Judge 1913-02-15: Vol 64 Iss 1635

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7" FEBRUARY 15, 1913 u ad d e PRICE, 10 CENTS eee LOVE!—A LESSON IN ANCIENT HISTORY

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Blonde and Brunette By Armand Both HIS is a nifty little picture. It’s simply stunning IN THREE COLORS. It’s hard to get an idea from this half-tone cut, how attractive a color proof of this is. Send 25c for an artist colored proof, handsomely mounted, ready to frame. ‘. Judge * * 225 Fifth Avenue s 223 Fai Ave. 3 New York Enclosed find “oO, '5ec) “ Special Note :—This is one of for which send me the sixty-two pictures in the ; eae at |‘ Judge Art Print Series. , Catalog % Send 10c for a beau- “_- ™~ tiful catalog, printed at Ee ene ee . on India tint paper SRE ee ~ in sepia. * Judge February 15, 1913. N 0. 1635 Vol. LXIV. Copyright 1913, by Leslie-Judge Company. Entered at the Post-office at New York as second-class mail matter. Cable address, ‘‘Judgark.” Telephone 6632 Madison Square. ; Published weekly by Leslie-Judge Company, Brunswick Building 225 Fifth Avenue, New York. / Washington Representative, Munsey Building, Washington, D. C. John A. Sleicher, President. Reuben P. Sleicher, Secretary A. E. Rollauer, Assistant Treasurer. 7 Grant E. Hamilton, Art Director. J. A. Waldron, Editor. c OF NN .T-E N T s§ Cover Design—Love!—A ‘Lesson in Ancient History ° ° ° . Sarka JUDGE'S Revue ° ° e Raymond Crawford Ewer Editorials: A Cub Reporter The Sense of Humor Brief Decisions Incandescent Burners William J. Lampton It Is To Dodge . ° ° ° Ruth Huntoon A Deal with Bill Dingle. ° - J. A. Waldron The Who’s Whosiers of the World Horace Dodd Gastit Not Legal Offenses ° ° ° George B. Morewood Abysmal ° ° Hubert Kotterman What the West Thinks about the East—What the East Thinks about the West Arthur Chapman The Modern Woman—Suffragette Snapshots = /déa Husted Harper JUDGE'S Letter Postal Cards, Laughs from Other Lands, Amusing Stories about Well-known Persons, With the College Wits, Stories With Smiles, Passing the Mustard, Up-to-date Humor and Verse by JUDGE’S Jesters. : Various Amusing Illustrations by R. B. Fuller, Zim, Held, Ralph Barton, C. W. Kahles, Ray Rohn, R. W. Manning, C. Batchelor, C. Erick son, Artigue, H. L. Connor, and others. SUBSCRIPTION RATES One year, or 52 numbers - - - - $5.00 Six months, or 26 numbers - - - 2.50 Thirteen weeks - - - - - 1.25 Subscriptions payable in advance by draft on New York, or by express or postal order. EvroPpeaN AGENTS—Wm. Dawson & Sons, Ltd., Kream's Buildings, London, E.C, England; Brentano's, Avenue de UOpera, Paris; Saarbuch's News Exchange, 16 Jom Street, Adelphi, London; 56 Rue de la Victoire, faris; 1 Clara Strasse, Mainz, Germany. Subscriptions and advertising for all the publications of Leslie-Judge Company wil be taken at regular rates at any of the above offices. Contributors must include a stamped and self-addressed envelope with al] manuscripts, otherwise return of the latter when found unavailable cannot be guaranteed. We receiv such material, submitted for publication, only on condition that we shall not be held sponsible for its loss or injury while in our hands or in transit. If JuDGE cannot be found at any news-stand, the publishers will be under obligation if that fact be promptly reported on postal card or by letter. BACK NUMBERS: Present year, 10 cents per copy; 1912, 20 cents ; 1911, 30 cents etc. The contents of JUDGE are protected by copyright in both the United States and Great Britain. Postage free in the United States, its dependencies, and Mexico. To Canadian Pre inces add 50 cents a year for postage; to all foreign countries add $1.00 a year. WESTERN ADVERTISING OFFICE: Marquette Building, Chicago, III. KEEP an eye out for the front cover of the Inauguration Number. If you want an artist-colored proof of this, send 25c right away —just as soon as you see the cover, as we will have only a limited supply of proofs. Editor of Judge. In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated.

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Tursish Treasury Constantinople THE ALLIES — "Ir WE ONLY KNEW HOW MUCH NONCY — Vf THE OLD CODGER HAD yea IN THAT SAFE WED KNOW sing ries : by ton, rick- stal order. m, B.C, , 16 John rmany. pany will Oe — nuscripts, : ' ‘ | We | Ve receive fe @ e held r )bligations 30 cents, and Grest lian Pro eat Hit iM if

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eee ee A Cub Reporter. S bw READERS of the dignified and somewhat exclusive New York Even- ing Post do not look to it for original humor. Yet the Post is getting gay ina vicarious way. A Post newsgatherer who is apparently very young and impressionable has been assigned to Albany, where his ingenuous wit may have full play. He sent a dis- patch to the Post on the eve of Governor Sulzer’s reception to the Legislature, re- cording that the Governor had so far de- parted from his original democratic sim- plicity as to wear evening clothes at the reception. It was in another direction, however, that the Post reporter gave loose to the humor that isin him. He declared that Governor Sulzer’s table at the reception would be strikingly homely in comparison with that of his predecessor, who had ten- dered, among other refreshments, ‘‘tur- keys from which by some magic dexterity the bones had been removed,”’ and ‘‘ices done in the verisimilitude of birds, ani- mals and fishes.’’ It is plain that the editor of the Post who passed this ‘‘copy’’ had a keen sense of humor and deliberately desired that his newspaper should get a new reputa- Judge T O tion. It is perhaps good for the future of the commonwealth that a Governor who would boldly fly in the face of Jeffer- sonian simplicity should be succeeded in office by a man less gastronomically ex- travagant and ostentatious. There may come a day when even this cub reporter for the Post will luxuriate in truffles and pate de foies gras, and in the meantime he will probably see a lot of boned turkey and assorted ices. Brief Decisions. OMEN who wear watches on the an- kle—this is said to be a new aber- ration of the fashionable — must not be offended if the average man is curious as to the time of day. The jail of a county in Kansas not being needed, it has been leased as a residence by one of that law-abiding population. There are counties elsewhere that might well make a study of Kansas sociology. The report from Germany that the stork is disappearing may be confirmed by local inference, here and there. As between a matinee and a bargain counter, most women would hesitate. » ¢ a >} The Sense of Humor. HE rear admiral of the American navy who so resented an unexpected attack from the rear by the goat ‘‘ Whisk- ers,’’ the mascot of the battleship New Hampshire, that he forthwith ordered al] sailors’ pets overboard lacks a sense cf humor. That the Navy Department is investi- gating this discharge from the service of the lively and amusing creatures that make the Jackies merry will probably be approved by most readers of the incident, as it surely will by every young fellow in the service. These mascots and pets are picked up by the sailors in various parts of the world, and they form a collection of live stock that would interest anybody. Indi- vidually they furnish amusement for Jack when he needs it most, and any breach of discipline—even to the butting of an ad- miral—of which one of them may be guilty is no doubt more than offset by their happy influence upon the more or less monotonous lives of the sailors. Of course the dignity of an admiral is a wonderful thing, but admirals should forget official pride in the presence of a goat, or at least keep an eye on this ec- centric and amusing animal.

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Incandescent Burners. HEN Orpheus went to Hades, Says classic history, To search among the ladies For fair Eurydice, Who was his wife, He failed to discern her, For lack of an incandescent burner. He wandered around through Hades In shadows black as night, And nowhere seeing ladies, Sought Pluto for a light. Mr. Pluto replied, With a smile like a crescent, **We have burners in plenty, But they’re not incandescent.”’ —William J. Lampton. « Awsk Hawkins.” BUSTLING American automobile manager, just returned from Lon- don, tells of an experience which illus- trates one characteristic of the leisurely Englishman that differentiates him from the hustling American. This sojourner in the British metropo- lis, of course, had business as his chief object; but his introductions were such that in his moments of idleness he had entree to some of the better clubs, at one of which he put up. Retiring rather late one night, he in- tended to rise early the next day to keep a business engagement, but over- slept himself, and, as he had forgot- ten to wind his watch, he hurried downstairs to discover whether he had trenched on his business time. Entering the lounging room of the club, he noted that the only person in sight was a tall Englishman, who had disposed himself in an easy chair in an attitude which suggested that long practice had made him an expert at resting. Going over to the English- man, the American apologized for asking him the question, and desired the time of day. “‘Aw—er—ya-as,’’ replied the leisurely one, with a yawn, waving his hand toward a door in which a servant stood. ‘‘Awsk Hawkins. He’s used to that sort of thing, don’t you know!’’ A Sign of Spring. *“*Oh, mother, spring is here!’’ ‘*How do you know, Willie? see a robin?”’ **No; I saw a bunch of ball players on their way to catch a train for the South.”’ An Unsatisfied Guest, Writing from his cell in the Asheville, N. C., jail, an inmate, who presumably had inside information on the subject, complained some years ago to a local newspaper of the crowded and unsanitary condition of the prison. ‘‘Buncombe County jail,’’ said he, ‘‘ain’t no fitten place for a gentleman ter stay.’’ A Memory. Pope—Scientists tell us the first birds in the world were winged reptiles. Tope—Scientists, eh? Huh! I’veseen "em myself! Did you A Shine. ‘*You say Motleigh shines with a re- flected light?’’ ‘Yes; he is a plagiarist.’’ A LA MODE. Mr. Misfit—‘‘ Yes, my dear, you are superbly gowned for the reception. How am I coated and panted ?’’ It Is To Dodge. ITH Sally’s hand in mine, I made concession— A weak surrender while the light was gone. ‘‘It takes,’’ I grant- ed her in full con- fession, ‘‘A woman, dear, to sew the buttons on. With sweet delight, she snuggled close a minute; But sanity, with dad, came down the hall. And so I hedged: ‘‘Without the women in it, We wouldn’t need the buttons, though, at all.’’ Had Built Before, Hipson—lI’ve nearly fourteen thousand dollars saved. Nipler—What are you saving for? Hipson—I’m going to build a_ ten- thousand-dollar house. —Ruth Huntoon. Adding Insult to Injury. The train stopped at a small station and the impatient traveler stuck his head out of a window to investigate the cause. ‘*Hey!’’ he called to an idler on the platform. ‘‘What’s the blooming train stopped for now?’’ ‘“‘Why, consarn ye,’’ retorted the native indignantly, ‘‘this is Boost- burg!’’ **So I see,’’ said the traveler, glanc- ing at the signboard; ‘‘but that isn’t answering my question.’’ Wanted To Know. Professor of biology—Are there any more questions on this subject? Freshman—Yes, sir. I’d like to know, if a clam is silent, what isa clamor? The man who makes a bluff at do- ing things never makes good.

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NOT I guess that 's going some, Tommy.”’ Jimmie—‘‘ Gee! A Deal HE WARDER rattled the door of Dingle’s cell and told him there was a man outside with a permit to see him. ‘*What sort of aboob?”’ asked Dingle. ‘‘Idon’t care to see any geezer, unless it might bea fortune teller with a hunch in my favor or some old pal of mine.’’ ‘“‘This is a clergyman.’”’ ‘*Please convey a polite negative to him, if you please, my guardian angel. It’s not quite as bad as that!”’ **But he says he’s an old friend of yours.’”’ ‘An old friend, eh? And a preacher!’’ disbelief. **But what shall I say to him?’’ **Oh, show him in. I'll have a little fun, anyway.’’ The warder returned with aman inclerical garb, opened the cell door, let him in, closed the door and stood by attentively. Dingle looked at his caller, but gave no sign of recognition. **You don’t remember me?’’ asked the visitor. “—_” **Well, William, I re- member you. We were schoolboys together in Gin- gerville.’’ ‘“Gingerville?’’ ex- claimed Dingle, with inter- est in his tone. He looked closely at the preacher. “Can me for a simp if you aren’t Gus Weaver!’’ “Yes. Now—and for some time back—the Rev. Augustus Weaver.’’ with Dingle snorted A CRUSHING SO FAST. Tommy—‘* Oh, I dunno, By J. ALU Did you ever see me when I get started ?”’ Dingle. ‘*And you were the worst boy in school in Things Bill "“ALDRON. Dingle laughed. the old days! ‘Gus the Slick’ we used to call you. happen, don’t they?’’ **Yes, William. youthful morality !’’ **Oh, call me ‘Bill’! How’d you know I was here?’’ **Saw it in the papers.’’ ‘*And thought you’d come in and administer a little religious consolation—give me an earful of moral junk, eh?’’ The Rev. Augustus Weaver looked hurt. ‘‘No, William— or ‘Bill,’ if you prefer. I haven't seen you since we were boys. That is why I’m here.’’ Bill Dingle’s face showed that he was touched. He put out his hand silently. The handshake was genuine. The warder, satisfied, moved out of earshot. **And now, William, for old times’ sake, can I do anything for you?’’ “Not a thing. They caught me with the goods. I’m in for it. But when I get out, I’m going to turn over the new leaves in a whole moral library.’’ **Good ! But what brought you to this?’’ ‘It’s a funny story, and I don’t mind telling you.” Bill glanced at the warder, still out of hearing. ‘‘For some time I’ve been living without fatiguing labor. There are so many easy geezers to the acre—regular mutts—both in city and coun- try-——that it seemed foolish And in those days you were a pattern of wsGeOR?Y.

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us ed ut he od, for ey For or. aSy lar with thecolic. I could see traces on some of the bills of honest industry. Some of ’em were greased with a by-product of the cheese factory, and some of ’em had marks of blood—but he had just butchered and sold his hogs, he said. He counted out eleven hun- dred and fifty dollars with a motion as easy as though he was sawing wood. I tookit. The bargain was completed. But I didn’t care to rest at that. I saw him to the railroad station and put him on a train that didn’t stop until a couple of hundred miles out.’’ ‘‘Guileless farmer!’’ murmured the Rev. Augustus Weaver. ‘**I guess yes!’’ remarked Bill, with a strange ex- pression of face. ‘‘After he had got good and gone, L ealled on a lady friend and planned for the theater that evening. We went to dinner at the Oriole Res- taurant. I owed a bill there and paid it before we sat down. We’d hardly begun eating when an offi- cer came up and pinched me, and here I am!”’ ‘‘The farmer, then, jumped off the train and came back ?’’ ‘‘Wrong steer, Gus. The money was phoney!”’ Far from Home. A COSMOPOLITE. From Australia came the wool From which her suit was Paris made, And her hat came here from London, The aigrette is from Belgrade. And herself in U. S. A. to me to pass up opportunities. Geeks with more money than sense, I argued, ought to have less money and more sense, and I went to it to change the balance.”’ ‘**Were you a swindler, Bill?’’ *‘Oh, some folks call it that. I opined I was simply an ad- juster. Well, I had a gold brick that really looked the part. I knew a credulous and grasping gink out in the country He has slathers of coin and bit on everything going. I boarded two weeks on his farm last summer to kind 0’ analyze him. Really got to know him, I thought. Wrote him confidentially last week that I had a sure good thing, and he came to town with his trousers still in his boots. I offered him the gold brick for one thousand dollars, and intimated strongly that it was worth five thousand dollars. I sold it to him for a little to boot —a little to boot!’’ Bill laughed, but it didn’t sound that way ‘‘And he informed on you, of course, and here you are! Bad business, William!’’ *‘Waita bit. We’re a little ahead of the play. It wasn’t just that way about, but it was sure bad business, all right. I met him in his room at a hotel on Broadway. I hadn’t much money in my clothes, but I just emptied liquor and other things that taste good into him. He warmed to me like a fresh buci- wheat pancake. His eyes glistened when he saw the brick. ***T say, Mister Dingle,’ said he, dickery-like, ‘’ve ye got that music watch ye had on th’ farm last summer?’ I[had. It was a chronometer that struck the quarter hours. I got it somewhere easy, but it was worth hundreds. I told him I still had it. ‘Wall,’ said he, ‘I’ll give yeh a thousand dollars fer th’ gold brick an’ a hundred an’ fifty fer th’ watch—all in a lump. No swap any other way.’ ‘‘I saw there was no other way, and agreed. I calculated that I would be making quite a bit, anyway. I pulled out the watch and handed it to him. He already had the gold brick. He hemmed and hawed a little, and pulled out of his clothes somewhere—he must have had a pocket in his overcoat like a gunnysack—a wad of bills big enough to bandage an elephant From Old Ireland came her laces, And the fur is from Norway, The big dog she got in Russia, N elderly Englishman, who was a man of intelli- gence and good education, but of limited income, went South after his arrival in America, and accepted the position of drummer for a cake and candy factory, located in Atlanta, Ga. On one of his trips between Atlanta and Augusta, his train stopped at a small country town, and he got out and was walking back and forth on the platform. He had been too hurried to shave, and, while his whiskers were not long, they looked conspicuously white in the sunshine, A typical Georgia cracker approached him, and, peering into his face, remarked, ‘‘Stranger, I don’t mean no uffense, but you is de darnest, grayest old coon I ebber seed! Whar wuz you borned?’’ The Englishman straightened up and replied, ‘‘Sir, I was born in England.”’ The cracker looked at him in astonishment, with the final re- mark, ‘‘Ingland! Thet’s de furthest ter be borned frum home I ebber heerd tell on!’’ { WEN-ERY! 1 SAY | Ey YOu WILL NOT { | GO TO THE LODGE “, TO-NIGHT! © BW... 7 A VERY DECIDED BLONDE.

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Who's STOR — William Walked- off, formerly Waldorf. An absentee landlord, formerly of Fifth Ave- nue, but now of Picca- dilly Circus, Great Bri- tain. Through careless oversight on the part of his parents, New York, and not London, became his birthplace in 1848, which error in taste he did his best to rectify in 1890, by emigrating to England, enduring with- out a murmur all the hardships and pri- vations of those early pioneer days on the frontiers of British society, showing a fortitude in the face of hunger, thirst, blizzard and frost worthy of his furbears in the pre-wampum period of American civilization. Prior to his departure, he thoroughly equipped himself for the or- deal by acquiring a thorough familiarity with the language of the country of his rebirth, with the result that upon his arrival there he was able to address the natives in their own tongue, which, WHAT Whosiers of By HORACE DODD GASTIT. taken together with the fact that he bore with him many trinkets of great worth, made him a valuable missionary in the noble work of British uplift. Enjoyed brief political career in the United States before leaving, going to the New York Legislature in 1878 and making a brief but unfinished sprint for Congress in 1884. Brought about many social reforms at Albany, introducing a style of deportment there from which many of his fellow-members from the rural districts were quick to profit, teach- ing them the uses of the pot-hat, the niceties of the demi-tasse, fifty-seven new ways of tying a four-in-hand cravat, and convincing them of the necessity of making their socks match their neckties in color scheme. As candidate for Con- gress, polled full vote of the New York Four Hundred and three others, who voted anonymously and whose names are there- fore unknown to posterity. Invented and constructed the famous Waldorf Inn, built on the south side of Peacock Alley, just off Fifth Avenue, where meals could S HE M Ade Shit tt A AAA A 4 ff “li yy F ARRIE D the World. be had at all hours of the day and night by the homeless and hungry, on credit, by merely tipping the waiter. Has dipped deeply into literature, writing several novels of life in Rome—Italy, not New York—and also that famous compilation of odds and ends so widely known as A N D HANG ASTRONOMY, ANYWAY.

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~ = LS SSS SSS SS ee SS SSS 2S eS = ear = Se ————— W HA T H E **Etc.’’ Purchased the Pell Mell Clarion in 1893, infusing a characteristic Ameri- can humor into his discussions of serious matters which has made him the envy of LOGIC IS LOGIC. Irate motorist—‘‘ Hey, you! get a hustle on. I don’t want to be in this heaven-forsaken region all day.’’ Farmer Kool—‘‘Wa-al, naow, keep yer head on! Hain’t I goin’ jest ez fast ez yew are ?’’ MA RRIE D Punch, Hall Caine, Bernard Pshaw and other purveyors of British wit. Is be- lieved to be in line for high social honors in celebration of King George IV.’s dia- mond jubilee in 1960, when he will prob- ably be made Juke of Harlem and the Bronx, where he has many landed estates. Meanwhile, he is ex-officio Chief Ameri- can Gold Stick-in-waiting-for-whatever- turns-up. Recreation, rent collecting. Address, care of Oscar, the Waldorf; or Pell Mell Circus, London, Eng. Innocent. 6s] TRY to think,’’ said Benham, ‘‘that woman is the equal of man and as well qualified to take part in political life; but it sort of jars that belief to get the reply I did this morning from my wife, when I remarked, on reading the returns, that Bingham ran ahead of his ticket, and she innocently inquired, ‘What was oro his hurry’ Her Diploma. ‘*She says she went abroad to finish her education. much.’’ ‘*She told me she had six new ways to fix her hair.’’ I wonder if she learned athe! LLAAELLELZZL 80}: ¢ AA by YY SS SS N X SS S\ \ ASNS WMA A SS SS NG SSN INS SAS SSS SAN WS ~ ~ NWS Would Never Do. MAN of an observant turn of mind was waiting in a drug store one day for a prescription, and he noticed that the only patent medicines on the counter were hair restorers. **I do that for business reasons,’’ con- fided the druggist. ‘‘People who buy that stuff have been fooled so often that they are naturally skeptical, and I don’t want to do anything that might spoil a sale. My front view is all right, but when I turn around and expose a bald spot on the back of my head, it is likely to set the customer thinking.”’ The Gungy Sage. Hank Stubbs he said to me one day, In his pecooliar, drawlin’ way— An’ I believe it, ev’ry whit— He says to me, wise-like an’ slow, ‘Folks wouldn’t ketch sech colds, I know, Ef they would jes’ slow up a bit!’’ Sine Qua Non. Mabel—Poor Mrs. Goldol! husband, they say. Mayme—Yes. The cook told her that she would not stay on the place with Mr. Goldol, so she fired her husband. Lost her

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a ee “RB FULLER PRESERVING THE UNITIES. Man—“‘ Say, what 's the matter with this train ?’’ Con—** Coupling broke."’ Man—‘‘ Where are we, anyway ?"' Con—*‘ Near Reno, Nevada.”’ A Transfer. MONG the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took up mission work on the East Side,’’ says a New York young woman, ‘was one to clean out which would have called forth the best efforts of the reno- vator of the Augean stubles. And the families in this tenement were almost as hopeless as the tenement itself **On one occasion I felt distinctly en- couraged, however, since I observed that the face of one youngster was actually clean. ***William,’ said I, ‘your face is fairly clean; but how did you get such dirty hands?’ ***Washin’ me face, ’ said William.’’ Truly an Optimist ! Old Ebenezer Ephraim Brown’s The cheerfulest man I know. He says he thinks the world’s all right— Consid’rin’ how things go! A Nautical Point of View. The captain of a certain Connecticut River schooner, though now more than eighty years of age, is nevertheless hale and hearty, with a resonant, stentorian, jovial voice—a sort of ‘‘Ship ahoy!’’ style that gives warning that the veteran sea dog is rolling up the street even when he is three blocks away. The captain has been ‘‘running’’ a river schooner ever since he was a boy. These schooners are usually towed up and down the river from the Sound by a tug, and as the tug some- times takes the schooner for even longer distances, the captain thinks and talks mostly in terms of tug and schooner. Re- cently, while going from the dock to his home, he overtook a maiden lady of some- what advanced years, whose corset string had become loose and was dragging on the ground. She being a well-known neighbor, the captain attempted to do her a kindness as soon as he saw that she was ignorant of the catastrophe. He began when she was several rods ahead of him, and he did it in the same tones in which he would hail a vessel near the horizon of the Sound: **I say, ol’ gal, yer towline’s adrift!’’ As She Is Spoken. Bonehead—Jones tried to make an ex- temporaneous speech at the banquet last night and blew up. He completely fell down on it. Marbletop—I see; spontaneous combus- tion, eh? A Reassuring Garb. Pat O’Leary had not led a strictly un- blemished career during his early life—a fact rather lacking in solace for him as he lay on his sick-bed at the Not Legal Offenses. Breaking into—society. Picking—your way. Stealing—hearts. Coining—money. Killing—time. Murdering—a part. Cutting—capers. Striking—a balance. Forging—ahead. Burning—daylight. Getting drunk—with ap- plause. Smuggling—billets-doux. Smashing—the record. Poaching—eggs. Trespassing—on our good nature. Shooting—the chutes. ; Cheating—the doctors. MODERN Taking—offense. EXCLAMATION. Converting—the heathen. Beating—time. — George B. Morewood, The mantle of charity has been worn threadbare in the sin-covering business. point of death. For a period of several hours, which were confidently expected by the sorrowing family circle to prove his last, Pat lay in an unconscious stupor. During this interval, in a strange and beautiful vision, he beheld the approach of a former friend, long since deceased. **Come, Pat,’’ beckoned the visitor. ‘‘Yertime has come. It’s back with me ye must be goin’.”’ ‘**And shure,’’ said Pat, detailing the incident to a group of friends at McNee- ley’s bar a few weeks later, following a marvelously rapid recovery, ‘‘Oi wor delighted to notice that he wore furs.’’ —Edward A. Barney. Overruled. At a Democratic caucus in a Western State—it was a long time ago and all those Democrats are dead—some one made a motion not in har- mony with the opinions of the presiding officer. That worthy gentleman was nonplused for a moment, but instantly recovered himself. ‘‘The motion requires a two-thirds vote,’’ he said, ‘fand the chair decides that VY \ A\\ } hy \ Uy \ Nd Uh sh 7p 4 Thi that many are not here.”’ THE WOMAN IN THE CASE.

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A Useless « Gineration.” oad be SIR; by heck, you take this gineration an’ compare it to the ginera- tion we come into this world with, Cy, an’ it don’t amount to much—no, it don’t!’’ Uncle Ab Clovertop deliv- ered this philippie with em- phasis as he drew rein for a little talk with Uncle Cy Dodd when they met on the ‘“‘big road.’’ **I dunno but you are right, Ab,’’ agreed Uncle Cy. “I know I am right, Cy. You take it when you an’ me was fust married. My wife didn’t think nothin’ o’ makin’ all the butter from eighteen cows an’ doin’ all the pig work when we butchered ten or a dozen pigs. She’d pull out at about three-thutty in the mornin’ the year through, His Great Love. 66 Y sweetheart’s love, its depth and strength, [ measure by his letters’ length,’’ Confided little Dolly Gray. ‘*Well,’’ murmured Bess, ‘‘I can but say, Without the least intent to boast, Jack’s letters come by parcel post.”’ Qualified. ‘Our new dining-room girl is going to leave us to become a classic d1ncer.”’ ‘‘Is that so? Has she any qualifica- tions?’’ **Yes; she’s the one that brought the salad in undressed.’’ No Team Work. Barker—I wonder why Jarrocks and his wife are always at war with each other? Parker—Lays it to the fact that he runs his house like the city government —formed a board of estimate and control, and made the initial mistake of choosing the estimating as his part of the com- bination. Egg View Note. Ambrose Crosslots says: ‘‘Don’t git too thick with the feller whose wife is always runnin’ across the street with an empty dish in her hand.’’ Her Status. **Miss Lingerlong ought to be an easy catch for some one.’’ ‘*Easy catch? Why, she has been a regular epidemic for the past ten years!’’ an’ keep right at it until ten at night, tryin’ to be a real helpmeet to a man; an’ see how it is in this gineration. I was over to my son’s yesterday, an’ if his wife ain’t fussin’ for a girl, because she’s got ten summer boarders! An’ them an’ her four childern an’ two hired men an’ my son don’t make but eighteen in fam’ly, countin’ herself. My son is sellin’ milk now, so she ain’t no butter to make, an’ only fourteen or to sixteen milk cans a day to wash, an’ the garden to take keer of, with now an’ then the tedder to run a few hours when my son is rushed with his hayin’. An’ her fussin’ for a girl to help her! Wher you an’ me was married, our wives would of done all that an” helped with the barn chores for exercise. I dunno what the next gineration will be like, the way this gineration is go- in’, by’heck!”’ ‘I reckon you are right,’’ said Uncle Cy Dodd, as he gath- ered up his reins to ‘‘mosey along.”’ The Summit. **I’ve a-a-abandoned 1-liter- ary work,’’ said Simpkins. *“‘Why?”’ asked Dawkins. **Your typewriter didn’t get to stammering, too, did it?’’ **N-no,’’ replied the stutter- er-hopelessly; ‘‘b-b-but even if I g-g-grew t-to be f-f-famous, I e-c-could n-never go on the Chautauqua p-platform.’’ Extra Cautious. s¢ | UNDERSTAND,”’ impatiently said the ad. clerk in the newspaper of- fice, as the determined-looking colored woman finished her philippic concerning a certain person, ‘‘you wish to advertise that you will not be responsible |/// for any debts contracted by — Vie your husband, Erastus Snow?’’ **Dat’s it, mistah,’’ said the woman; *‘on’y jest add marriages, too!’’ Abysmal. A FLOWER among the maidens, She came within the car; Her face unmatched for beauty, A figure more than par. I sat, her charméd victim; The wildest hope had dawned— Alas for wiles of Cupid! Just then the maiden yawned. —Hibert Kotterman. Detrimental Suggestiveness. ‘I see you have disposed of, that fine horse you bought from the city.’’ **Yes,’’ replied the regretful milkman; **he hurt my business. He had been used for pulling a sprinkling cart, and stopped at every hydrant.’’ Data Desired. Mr, Baggy—lIf a cullud man was to call yo’ a liah, sah, what would yo’ do? a Mr. Slack—What size cullud man, sah? Unsocial. Todd—Married yet? Dodd—No; still Dutch treating. MISTAKEN IDENTITY. “What is your name, my pret- ty maid ?”’ “My name is Pearl, kind sir,”’ she said. “The Pearl of price,no doubt,” said he. “Oh, no—the other kind,”’ said she.

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NOTHING TO LAUGH AT. “What in the world do those silly men see so funny about one driving one’s own car?” , ‘2 Nee JUDGE looked over his glasses at the bevy of fair women who had appeared for jury duty. ‘*By reason of inadequate space,’’ he remarked, ‘‘you will not be asked to re- move your hats. Clerk, call the list.’’ The zlerk cleared his throat and read, ‘*‘Mrs. Gwendolyn Q. Makmakenforth.’’ A small man stepped forward. ‘‘Your honor,’’ he began. **You would not assume to be the lady?’’ the judge asked. ‘“‘By no means. present.’’ ‘A failure to attend, as stated on her summons,’’ remarked his honor, ‘‘makes her liable to a fine of twenty-five dollars for each day. It is furthermore stated that all jurors having a legal excuse for non-service must appear in person and present such excuse to the judge presid- But she cannot be ing.”’ ““Of which she is aware,’’ said the small man. ‘‘But an authority even greater than that of the court has de- creed she cannot appear in person; there- Will Be fore I, as her husband, come with her excuse.’”’ *“*She must appear in person!’’ thun- dered the judge. **But, your honor, the stork’’—— A sunny feminine smile illuminated the dingy courtroom as the panel of jury- women heard the hint, and a mammoth yell went up, ‘‘ Boy or girl?”’ THE SILENT PARTNER. So. The small man—Gwendolyn’s husband —smiled sadly. ‘‘Your honor,’’ he said, *‘it is one of each.’”’ ‘‘The lady*is extused,’’ announced the court, ‘‘for we wish it to be understood we can be as fair and impartial as any other voter.’’ No more excuses were offered, each woman wishing to serve such a noble and upright judge. —A. W. U. “A Mark the Archer Little Meant.” First citizen (reading newspaper on street car)—Biting jest in that Spanish item, eh? Second citizen—How so? First citizen (reading)—Why, ‘‘It is reported that Queen Victoria is suffering from influenza as well as King Alphonso.”’ One Reason. Knicker—The pen is mightier than the sword. Bocker—Yes; there isn’t any fountain sword.

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THE WESTERN UNION TELEGRAPH COMPANY — = Cae —— ' Sen moos f7~ 73 ~ A LIVE WIRE PERSONAL JUDGE'S LETTER Cut these out and mail them home when you write, or preserve them for your postal album OR. CUPID Fe Guc hr Lot 4 Ceart Ape Marna (Mi ntymoon é as 2 on * GOOD FOR WHAT PRESENTING HIS POSTAL CARDS. They are postal card size. they represent some of the m noted artists who contribute to JupGe, and will be appreciated as souvenirs when sent to friends or used as such BILL AILS YOl FOR SWEETS st attractive work of the

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% MODERN [isting Suffra HE RECENT labor report of France says that four million women in that country are working for a living at an average wage of fifty cents a day. The playwright Brieux has prepared a drama on the subject and predicts a terrible war between the sexes. The women would certainly be justified in fighting somebody without further delay. That ancient skull found in England proves conclusively, so the anthropologists say, that man had reason before he spoke. Well, well! What a revolution has taken place since those prehistoric days! The Century Company states that the sale of seri- ous books has increased en- ormously and the suffrage movement is responsible for it, as itis the women who are reading them. We have been told for a long time that women were the novel readers and that the magazines were published for them. Do the men read anything at aJl except the market reports and the sport- ing news? Edward Everett Hale was astrong opponent of votes for women and he would not he altogether happy to know how his famous story of ‘‘Ten Times Ten” is being applied in the State Nor- mal School of Indiana. A suffrage club of two hundred and fifty charter mem- bers has been formed, whose only pledge is to make ten converts each; then those ten must do the same, ad infinitum. Why don’t the anti-suffragists try this plan? But, come to think of it, they don’t have to, as the vast majority of women are al- ready ‘‘antis.’’ Still, the suffragists will ketch ’em ef they don’t watch out! Professor Ellen Hayes, at the recent in- tercollegiate socialist dinner, divided the whole civilized world into two classes— the socialists and the goats — between gette Sa-a By IDA HUSTED HARPER, whom there is a greatchasm. But if the socialists truly believe in all that brother- hood business, they’ll get over occasion- ally with a drink of water or something. A Chinese woman doctor, now lecturing in this country, tells a sad story about the way the men of her country are hen- pecked. Very likely! Women who are treated as half way between children and slaves, and taught to get what they want BRINGING HER MOUNTAIN TO MAHOMET. by deceit and cajolery, are just the kind who henpeck men if granted a little au- thority. Men are blind, indeed, not to see that, by holding women in this position, they themselves are bound to get the worst of it, in more ways than one. A good many people always seem to be in doubt, along at inauguration time, as to how the great Jefferson got up to the Cap- itol. Itis to be hoped the gentleman him- self knew whether he was afoot or on horseback on that auspicious occasion. A London physical-culture professor has announced that it is possible for every woman to have as perfect a figure as the [WOMANI pshots Venus de Milo. If it is to be so common as that, the most of them would prefer to look like somebody else. Possibly women as well as men may be at their best when fifty, but they will never give anybody a chance to prove it on them. | LJ The president of the New York Press Club, in talking lately to a woman’s so- ciety on suffrage, said, ‘Keep within the sex line. land the men behind me will never forgive you if you step outside of that line!’’ Is it anything like the bread line? And how are women to know if they fail to toe the mark exactly? They are as far now from what was origi- nally considered the ‘‘sex line’? as if it was at the equator and they were at the poles, and yet the men seem tohave forgiventhem. The truth is that there is just as much substance to the ‘‘sex line’’ as there is to the bound- ary line between the States. It is a remnant of that cir- cumference which was once supposed to inclose woman’s ‘‘sphere.”’ In all parts of the country the health officials are pro- testing because physicians fail to record certificates of birth. Women risk their lives to produce children; doc- tors do not take the trouble to register the births, and then preachers, editors and the rest of mankind condemn the women for race suicide. Perhaps if their babies were properly counted it would be found that they were supplying all reasonable demands. Just as this country is trying to make its women lengthen their dress skirts, Berlin has passed an ordinance that Ger- man women must shorten theirs. Really, if the lawmaking powers keep on at this rate, they will drive the women to trou- sers.

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LAUGHS FROM OTHER LANDS His by Right. “Aber Herr Doktor, wie kénnen Sie sich so etwas erlauben!’ “Oh, ich verlange nur, was mir zukommt. Seit drei Tagen vergessen Sie regelmiissig den Zucker zum Kaffee, da muss ich mir doch anderswoher was Siisses nehmen!”’ ‘*But, doctor, how can you presume to do such a thing?’’ **Oh, I only demand what is coming to me! For the last three days you have forgotten the sugar for my coffee, so I must get my sweets elsewhere.’’— Meggendorfer Biaetter (Munich). The Suffragette’s Retort. Male (sitting in crowded tram car)— Pardon me, madam, but you’re stand- ing on my feet. Standing suffragette—\f you were any- thing of a man, you'd be standing on them yourself.—Punch (London). doGaarp] A Disappearing Act: **Oh, aunty! My cake dropped right ? down the dog!’’—London Opinion. The Explorer’s Confession. “Dans le Bas-Ouranghi, nous avons été obligés de manger une mére et ses deux filles !"’ “Vous avezeu le courage de manger aussi la mére !” : ** Je ne voulais pas la séparer de ses enfants,” **In lower Ouranghi we were obligea to eat a mother and her two daughters!’’ ‘“*You had a nerve to eat the mother also!’’ ‘*I did not wish to separate her from her children!’’—Le Rire (Paris). The Gallant. Schiedsrichter: “Die Dame, der Sie den Kuss raubten, hat sich bereit erklirt, von einem Strafan- trag abzusehen, wenn Sie sie jetzt um Verzeihung bitten und Ihr Bedauern iiber das Geschehene ausdriicken !” Herr (zu der beleidigten Dame): “Ja, um Vere Zeihung willich Sie bitten—aber bedauern, dass ich Ihnen den Kuss vregeben, gniidiges Friiulein— das kann ich als ehrlicher Mensch nicht!” Judge—‘‘The lady from whom you stole a kiss declares herself ready to waive her demand for punishment if you will now ask her pardon and ex- press your regret for what has hap- pened.”’ Gentleman (to the offended lady)— **Yes, I am willing to beg your par- don. But to regret that I gave you the kiss, dear madam, that I cannot!’’— Fliegende Blaetter (Munich). Comfort, at Least. . A suggestion for the use of the pres- ent-day voluminous fashion in furs.— The Bystander (London). Hotel clerk (suspiciously, to prospective guest, whose bag has come apart, thereby disclosing a strange contrivance)—May lI ask what that queer thing is? Prospective quest—This is a new patent fire escape. If your hotel caught fire, I could let myself down from the window so easily—see? Hotel clerk—Exactly! Our terms for guests with fire escapes are invariably cash in advance.—Sketch (London). The Psychological Moment. Growler (to distressed harrier)—-‘‘ Keb, sir?’’—Punch (London).

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using Stories About ggggggqeeneeeeTTTTNSTOeONTTTCNTTE Well-known Persons. w if] The Youth and the Bear. U th : se eS. Christy Mathewson, veteran twirler of the New York Giants, who recently returned from a hunting trip ona North | 2 Broadwa Limited y Carolina preserve, is telling the follow- ing to his friends: | w e “ ad trailed a bear one night and nats our camp, our eared being a Between New York and Chicago to pick up and follow the trail the first i e next morning. When we _” : It leaves Pennsylvania Station, in the heart of New York (one block from Broadway at 32d Street) at 2.45 P. M. to-day. Connecting electric train leaves Hudson Terminal (five minutes from Wall Street) at the same time. It arrives Chicago, Union Station, at 9.45 to-morrow morning. woke, we found that one of the youth- ful members of our party, who was on his first hunting expedit on, had dis- appeared. “His gun was gone, and we knew that he had gotten the ‘jump’ on us. We finished a hasty breakfast and were just starting from the camp when we heard a crashing through the thick brush about thirty yards from the camp. “Several of us threw our guns to our shoulders, expecting to get a glimpse of Mr. Bruin. Imagine our surprise when our youthful friend, minus his gun and with his clothing badly torn, because of his long run through the woods and brush, burst into the opening. “Did you get the bear?’’ one of us shouted to him. “Get him!’’ he exclaimed, slowing down considerably. ‘‘Get him! For God’s sake, open that door! I’m bring- 7? ing him home alive! One On Harahan. The late J. T. Harahan, former presi- dent of the Illinois Central Railroad, was fond of telling the following story of personal experience. “I was sitting in my office, one day, Returning, it leaves Chicago 12.40 P. M., and arrives New York g.40 next morning. It is all-steel, all-Pullman with parlor-smoking or club car, drawing-room sleeping cars, dining car, compartment cars, and observation car—all of the newest and brightest design and electric lighted. It has a library of best current literature, and the latest periodicals and newspapers, terminal telephones, a bath, barber, ladies’ maid and mani- curist, a stenographer, and a trained crew picked for their efficiency. It is The Time Saver de Luxe It makes the over-night run at comparatively low speed over a rock-ballasted smooth-riding road- way which is the short line between New York and Chicago—the best guarantee of promptness and comfort. The dining car service is excep- tionally high grade. It presents Pennsylvania Railroad service in its very best form—a service that has been the standard of America for more than half a century. It is the most convenient, comfortable, complete, and reliable service between New York and Chicago. when a burly Irishman entered and said brusquely, ‘Oi want a pass to St. Louis. ceeewee = PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD SS SS BSS SSS SSS SSS SSS SaaS See eeeegeagetes “*That is no way to ask for a pass,’ Isaid. ‘You should introduce yourself litely, i . Weare? we back inanhourendy — WW OGOOOTOTTTTTTTUTTTT0T0NT0000000 “At the end of the hour, back came In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated.

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“I hear it called — e machine with the human-brain; ™® IcallitThe machine | He was speaking of the Remington Adding and Subtracting Typewriter (Wahl Adding Mechanism) This machine does some- thing that only the brain, directing the hand, has hith- erto been able to do—that is, write and add (or subtract) on the same page. But this is not all. It does such work more eastly, more rapidly, and more accurately than the human brain has ever performed similar labor. Thus the machine is /u- man in what it does and super-human in the way it does it. Iilustrated booklet sent on request Remington Typewriter Company (Incerporated) 325-331 Broadway, New York Branches Everywhere the Irishman. Doffing his hat, he in- quired, *** Are-re yez Mr. Harahan?’ “"° om,” ***Me name is Patrick Casey. Oi’ve been wor-r-kin’ out in the yar-r-ds.’ ***Glad to know you, Mr. Casey. What can I do for you?’ ***Yez can all go to thedivvle. Oi’ve got a job an’ a pass on th’ Wabash.’ ”’ Made in Germany. Mary Garrett Hay, new head of the woman-suffrage party and who was un- til recently the president of the New York State Federation of Wome: s Clubs, has traveled in every State but two. She brought this from Milwaukee: ‘*Wilhelm Neuman, a young clerk, had come to an excellent position in Amer- ica. Immediately upon getting settled, he has new visiting cards printed, read- ing William Newman, and he tacks one on the door of his room in the boarding house. **A friend, one from his home town, is about to visit him, rcads the visiting card in great astonishment, and decides not to pay the visit. ‘Before leaving the door, however, he quickly pulls out his pencil and writes clearly under the name, ‘Made in If Ifs and Ands. If ifs and ands Were tools and hands, Our breakdowns we could master; If tires and shoes Were like the news, Our cars would travel faster. She Had One Kind. They were studying sound waves in physics. The teacher needed a violin bow to perform a certain experiment with, so he asked, ‘*Miss Rice, have you a bow?’’ ‘*Er—it depends upon what kind you Germany. mean.”’ The “Road Hog’s” Fate. The ‘‘road hog’’ has some fun on earth, But mark my words right well! When he gets through ‘‘road scorching’’ here, He’ll ‘‘scorch’’ again in—the place where such folks dwell! Contradictory. Way—I suppose you’re still calling on a certain young lady. Lay—I’m still calling on an uncertain young lady. ‘ + 4 \% «oem he ,* lA, ty 7 of i ill y ZS (tb Sets EKG a he J ROK KOT OA Mh F To The: Fj . , Bride { Drink tothe health / of the bride in the very essence of purity and health- »’ fulness—the cham- pagne that is near- est like her— Iesztra Dr Champagne . bright and sparkling, full of the joy of life, exquisite of bouquet, the sole choice of the connois- seur. If Cook’s had the import duty and ocean freight to pay that foreign champagnes must, it would probably cost you more than they do. Sold Everywhere an Served Everywhere American Wine Co. St. Louis, Mo. 15m 7 +f Way ¥, p AY LOL OUD, A Happy Marriage Depends largely on a knowk edge of the whole truth about self and sex and their relation life and health. This knowledge does not come intelligently of it self, nor correctly from ordé nary everyday sources. SEXOLOGY (illustrated) By William H. Walling, A. M., M. D., imparts in a cleat whole some way, in one volume : Knowledge a Young Man Should Have. Knowledge a Young Husband Should Have. Knowledge a Father Should Have. a a Father Should Impart to His Son. Medical Knowledge a Husband Should Have. Knowledge a Young Woman Should Have. Knowledge a Young Wife Should Have. Knowledge a Mother Should Have. Knowledge a Mother Should Impart to Her Daughter: Medical Knowledge a Wife Should Have. All in One Volume. Illustrated, $2 postpaid Write for “Other People’s Opinions,” and Table of Contents PURITAN PUB. CO., 792 Perry Bidg., Phila., Pa In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated.

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iter. What the West Thinks About the East : That Congress ought to pass a law mak- ing it a misdemeanor to call any ranch a “farm.”” That there are 3,987,654 parrots in New England, owned by that many old maids. That every man hailing from east of Kansas ought to be in the permanent care of a ‘‘dude wrangler.’’ That every man with side whiskers and adiamond ring is of necessity a more or less bloated bondholder. That every Wall Street broker sleeps ona mattress stuffed with thousand-dollar bills. That every Eastern home ought to be papered with worthless Western mining stock. That people in New England are still wearing chimney-pot hats and burning witches. That the literary publications of the East are chiefly matrimonial journals and mail-order catalogues. That the Eastern visitor calls for mixed drinks just to confuse the Western bar- tender. What the East Thinks About the West : That the lights are never turned out, but are shot out every night by boisterous cowboys. That hardware dealers sell about eight- een dollars and thirty-five cents’ worth of revolvers to every dollar’s worth of cook stoves. That the women are all cowgirls and can perforate a tomato can four shots out of five when it is tossed in the air. That all the school teachers in the West have migrated there solely with the idea of marrying cowpunchers. That cattle rustling is still the most flourishing industry west of the Missouri River. That an Indian can be found lurking behind every clump of sagebrush visible from the transcontinental trains. That Buffalo Bill discovered all the country west of Dodge City, Kan., and the only reason he didn’t have himself declared king was that he was too busy shooting glass balls. That everybody in the most refined Western circles says ‘‘thar’’ for ‘‘there.’’ —Arthur Chapman. The Bachelor. He used to send a valentine When he was young and sentimental, But always picked some maid divine Who didn’t care a continental. One Man's Meat Another's nee “If meat goes higher I shall starve,’ ms The melancholy person cried. If meat were free I'd never carve!’’ The vegetarian replied. re ig We jes Warren & Wetmore O "Cg et eet ‘ 2 i cae Architects -- > ego =" * THE TERMINAL CITY THE GREATEST CIVIC DEVELOPMENT EVER UNDERTAKEN—INCIDENT TO THE NEW GRAND CENTRAL TERMINAL IN NEW YORK CITY, WHICH WILL BE OPENED FEBRUARY, 1913 and specialty shops. In short, practically every sort of structure and enterprise incident to the modern city. This vast undertaking comprehends the erec- tion of a great Terminal City, complete in itself, a city within a city, occupying an area f thirty city blocks, in New York City. of thirty city blocks, in Ne o y The features are all in addition to post office, express buildings and other natural adjuncts of the up-to-date terminal—to expeditiously handle diverse traffic. It will embrace hotels and modern apartment houses, convention and _ exhibition halls, clubs and restaurants, and department stores The Newly Completed Grand Central Terminal Through and suburban traffic occupy different levels, approached by inclines, avoiding stair- ways, so that each level may be reached with- out confusion. Incoming and outgoing traffic is segregated and the two currents of travel separated. Every facility is progressively arranged so that no step need be retraced, no time need be lost. There are 33 miles of track within the Terminal, which will hold over 1000 cars at one time. Will provide every detail essential to the com- fort and convenience of its patrons. The Terminal itself is the physical embodiment of the latest and the highest ideal of service. Its adequate description is impossible here. It must be seen to be fully appreciated —or indeed to be completely comprehended. The main Terminal Building alone is 722 feet long and 301 feet wide on the surface, and half again as wide below the street level. It will accommodate comfortably 30,000 people at one time. Dedicated to the Public Service, February, 1913. [ITITITITITITITITITITITITIIINIIIIIDIIIIIIT IIIT IIIT IIT Deen nnn es In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. AGENTS AGENTS SALESMAN GENERAL AGENTS MANAGERS ROAD MEN YOUNG OR OLD MAKE MONEY HERE NEW BUSINESS START NOW—TODAY NEW BUSINESS JUST OUT P THE DEAD ONES. AWAKE! START WITH THIS NEW INVENTION THE 20th CENTURY WONDER Get started in an honest, clean, reliable, permanent, money-making business. Sold ona money-back guarantee The Blackstone Water Power Vacuum Massage Machine For the Home. No Cost to Operate. Lasts Life-Time ' No Oompetition, New Field, New Business. Price within reach of all. That's why its easy to sell. Endorsed by Doc- torsand Massures. Removes B Blackh — homotes, Wrink- les, rounds out an pert of the face or body, brin, Natures beauty. Almost instant re ef can be given all kinds of S ~ A. = as Rheumatism, § Neu ga, and many times a permanens cure. A demonstration convinces the most skeptical person. Sales easily made. Read On! What Others Do, So Can You. Parker writes, sold sigh t machines first day. Margwarth, says, I am making $19.00 per day. ermerhorn, eight dozen machines first month. haffer writes, am selling four out of five demonstrations. Vaughn, orders one dozen, four days later wires “‘ship six dozen by first Express."’ Lewis, — four first hour. Men, women, every - rr No guperioges eapaeate. Protected territory to active workers. OF pate nts. Big book ent aay — hy ' Postal wil do." A'p of poanty » Health” Address, a ow, toda stal w eavagicn aw syou. ress LACKSTONE Mra © Ss Mercaith TOLEDO, OHIO

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“We make so many claims for our Mennen’s Shav- ing Cream, that they almost seem ridicu- lous—but the pleasant fea- ture of it is, we can back up every one of them.” Put our cream to the test, and prove for yourself that it will do all we claim for it, and even more. Mennen’s Shaving Cream solves al! the big and little troubles of shaving. Try it at our expense— write today for a free sample. Gerhard Mennen Co., Newark, N. J. Mennen’s Shaving Cream Lp Makers of the celebrated Mennen’s Borated Talcum Toilet Powder DURBAR GEMS Wonderfully brilliant. Pure white. Constructed by the Oxy-Hydrogen Furnace. Will cut glass, stand acid and fire tests like real diamonds, Have no foil or backing. Set only in 14k Gold Mountings. Brilliancy uaranteed 25 years. Sent on Approval or by registered mail on receipt of price. Money cheerfully refunded if not satisfac- tory. Send for booklet. Dept. B MAIDEN LANE SALES CO. -50 Maiden Lane, New York E are not egotistical in the belief that we have a won- derful instrument in the chning Rea PLAYER NO “With the tone you can't forget" It is not alone what we think, but what others tell us, that makes us justly proud of the repu- tation the instruments have made. Quality instruments, such as the Behning, always merit enthusi- astic admiration and confidence If you are interested, write us and we will notify you, where in your town you can see and hear the Behning. $750, Style 10 $800, Style 24 $850, Style 28 $900, Style 32 Cash or convenient terms. Liberal allow- ance on old pianos. Booklet on request. 425 FIFTH AVENUE, N.Y. Entrance 38th St. BEBNING PIANO CO. —— Extravagance. here was a young lady, and wasn’t it quaint? She laid out a dollar on powder and paint, With a pencil of bismuth her eyebrows to trace, And all for the purpose of making a face! Matrimonial Arithmetic. Said Ned to Tom, ‘‘’Tis cheap to wed, For two are one, when people marry.’’ ‘I know,’’ said Tom; ‘‘but look here, Ned, "7 There may be one or more to carry! An Unfortunate Slip. ‘Oh, doctor, my husband is to give up smoking during Lent! Isn’t that lovely of him?”’ **Yes, madam, and very necessary to his health. I ordered it.’’ “The brute !’’ “Judge” Complimented. ANY letters have been received by JUDGE complimenting it on the stand it has taken on the maintenance of the integrity of the patent laws, and es- pecially upon the telling cartoons on the subject JupGE has published. ‘Work of this kind,’’ says a prominent manufacturer, in writing of JUDGE’s car- toon, ‘‘Don’t Dynamite This Monument,”’ ‘‘will be of material aid in educating the public as to what alterations in the pres- ent patent laws would mean.’’ ‘‘Just a word of appreciation of the cartoon in JupGE,’’ says another man of world-wide note, referring to the same picture. ‘‘It will have more effect than pages of argument.”’ **If more of our influential journals and magazines would follow JuDGE’s exam- ple,’’ writes another well-known man, ‘and manifest a substantial interest in this subject, I am satisfied that great good could be accomplished.’’ Lack of space alone prevents the print- ing of other expressions complimenting JUDGE on this subject. Ode to Woodrow Wilson. To the tune of John Brown's Body. Whoever starts a panic, no matter who he be, We will have to hang that person on a ‘*sour apple tree’’; We must hang him ‘‘high as Haman, by the President’s decree, When Woodrow Wilson reigns. ’? So be careful everybody of what you do and say, For a panic may be started in a very simple way; If we talk too much or glibly, there may be the ‘‘deuce to pay,”’ When Woodrow Wilson reigns. Then be careful, Mr. Wilson, too—be careful lest you bring, By unwary words and actions, on your- self the very thing That you threaten panic makers, who, you say, deserve to swing, When Woodrow Wilson reigns. —New York Herald. A Modern Twentieth Century Hotel Hotel Imperial Broadway at 31st and 32d Streets New York City OR convenience of location—one block from Pennsylvania Station, within six minutes of new Grand Central Terminal, convenient to the 32d Street Station of the Hudson River Tubes (just across the street), also to the new Shopping district and Theatres For excellence of cuisine and effi- cient yet unobtrusive service For refined, comfortable and luxu- rious surroundings For its atmosphere of hospitality and the desire of its management to cater to the comfort of its guests In short For a hotel charging moderate rates, yet offering the utmost in service and comfort, Hotel Imperial cannot be excelled. RATES: Rooms with use of bath, - $2.00 and up Rooms with connecting private bath, $2.50 and up ROBERT STAFFORD COPELAND TOWNSEND Proprietor Manager HAVE YOU TRIED SCHULTZ GINGER ALE for Particelar People From your dealer or sent direct CARL H. SCHULTZ 430-444 First Ave., N.Y. City HOTEL EARLINGTON (FIRE-PROOF) 27th Street, West of Broadway NEW YORK EUROPEAN PLAN RATES $1.00 Single. $2.00 Parlor; Bedroom and Bath Within Five Minutes of Shopping and Theatre Districts. Absolute Quiet at Night LARGE SAMPLE ROOMS NEW MANAGEMENT E. W. WARFIELD, MANAGER In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated.

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ay om atre With the College Wits. A little co-ed, now and then, Is relished by the best of men. —Columbia Jester. Ungrateful. There was a man who loved the bees; He always was their friend. He used to sit upon their hives, But they stung him in the end. —Cornell Widow. The Ready Reply.— Disgusted pater (reading report of his son’s poor stand- ing)—See here! Your standings are much lower than they were before Christmas! Son—Yes, pop; but, you know, every- thing is marked down after the holidays. —Yale Record. A Disappointment.—‘‘Do you know fa- ther’s a retired man?”’ asked the charm- ing lass. “No,’’ replied the love-smitten youth, insurprise. ‘‘But if that’s the case, he might be able to give me a boost finan- cially, dearest.’’ “It is hardly possible that he can give you a boost of any kind at present. I merely meant that it is eleven-thirty, and father has gone to bed.’’—Stanford Chaparral. Candid.—Time—Ten-thirty p. m. She—Do you really mean that you would put yourself out for my sake? He—I certainly would! She—Then please do it, as I’m awfully tired!— Wisconsin Sphinx. Both Proper.— D. C. A.— Which is proper—‘‘Green Old Age’’ or ‘‘Ripe Old Age’’? P. B. A.—Both; but the latter signifies a fruitful career!—Dartmouth Jack 0’ Lantern. Not Used to "Em.—‘‘ Why not introduce & cow in our next production?”’ “Impossible! The milkmaids in the chorus would frighten her.’’ — Pennsyl- vania Punch Bowl. Cross-examined.— Wife (two a. m.) And when did you first notice the change in your sick friend’s condition? Hubby (absent-mindedly )—Right after the fourth cocktail, m’dear!— Stanford Chaparral. ; Prof. Weathersby—Mr. Crocker, give the definition of a lady. Crocker—A feminine biped is a lady. Maples (butting in)—Professor, that might be a hen.—Mississippi College Magazine. Sliced Oranges with a dash of Abbott's Bitters are Snes and healthfl. Sample of bitters by mail, ¢ts.in stamps. C.W. Abbott & Co., Baltimore, Md. In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE, It will be appreciated. - -—— — - - - -~— Dont Admit Light Decayed Beer in Your House ~~, LL” You must drink beer not only made ; pure, but kept pure. , Purity exceeds all other costs in our - brewery. We even filter the air in which Schlitz is cooled. We scald every tub, keg and barrel, every pipe and pump, every time we use it. Then, instead of putting pure beer in light glass bottles we use Brown Bottles. Light starts decay even in pure beer. Dark glass gives the best pro- tection against light. The Brown Bottle protects Schlitz purity from the brewery to your glass. We began in a hut, sixty years ago. Today our agencies dot the earth. Our output exceeds a million barrels a year. More and more people each year are drinking Schlitz. e Why don’t you, too, drink 0 only pure beer — Schlitz in Brown Bottles? See that crown or cork is branded “‘Schlitz.’’ : The Beer en That Made Milwaukee Famous, c— 15 Days’ FREE Use |[aruanta's muon pottar nore. 7 tc a The Stopping Place for THE Southern 4 ¥ Tourists Golf and Southern Red Cedar Chest ! ects furs and woolens from oe Auto Roads tL e RA C B mice, dust and damp, 15 daysfree trial. Freight prepaid. Ueetul and beautiful in every home. Low factory prices. i tar OT dk) A A Fine paid, to you. Write TODAY—NOW. Climate Offers the Best in Hotel Life Piedmont Red Cedar Chest Co., Dept. 27, Statesville, N.C.

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Do you know a little baby just like this? Its jolly little laugh is always sweet to hear. The Bugville Book is the very thing for it. Make this baby happy with a copy. There are over 70 pages of the Ad- ventures of the In- habitants of Bug- ville—an endless source of entertain- ment. Even grown- ups will like it. We'll send this to you for just 10c. Judge 225 Fifth Ave. New York Stories with Smiles. Slight Misunderstanding.—A man who lisped had bought some pigs, and he asked a neighbor for the use of a pen a few days. “*IT have jutht been purchathing thome thwine—two thowth and pigth. I want to put them in-your pen till I can fikth a plaith for them.”’ ‘*Two thousand pigs!’’ exclaimed the astonished neighbor. ‘‘Why, my pen will hardly hold a dozen!’’ **You don’t underthtand me, Mithter Bent. I don’t thay two thouthand pigth, but two thowth and pigth.’’ *‘I hear you,’’ said Mr. Bent. ‘‘Two thousand pigs! Why, you must be crazy !”’ And then the lisper gave it up.—Coun- try Gentleman, Up Against It.—-‘‘I suppose you’re very happy now that you’re elected mayor?”’ **Well, [can’t say thatI am. I thought I would be, but it hasn’t worked out that way.’”’ ‘*But you got such a splendid vote. It ought to make you feel happy to think the people have such confidence in you.’’ ‘*That is cheering, of course. It is fine to know that the majority of the people believe in you. Still, I’m not altogether contented. ’’ ‘‘I can’t understand it at all. Here you’ve been elected to the highest honor in the community; you have splendid op- portunities to do good work; you may graduate from this position to broader service for the State, and possibly from the State to the nation. You ought to be happy if any one is.’’ ‘‘I know it. But I’mnot. The fact is, Iam up against it. I have four political managers who did splendid service for me, and each one demands the same job.’’— Detroit Free Press. Wouldn’t Use Slang.—Donald had been to Sunday school and on coming home was asked what he had learned. The lesson was the story of Joseph and the small learner was evidently very full of his subject. **Oh,’’ he said, ‘‘it was about a boy, and his brothers took him and put him in a hole in the ground; and then they killed another boy, and took the first boy’s coat and dipped it in the blood of this boy, and’’—— **Oh, no, Donald, not another boy!’ his sister interrupted, horrified. But Donald stood his ground. ‘*It was, too,’’ he insisted. Then he added, ‘‘The teacher said ‘kid,’ but I don’t use words like that.’’—Woman’s Home Companion. Waited Too Long.—‘‘I don’t often dine away from home,’’ confided a friend, ‘‘and when I do I am careful. But I had an experience at a restaurant the other night that was a new one to me, and that’s why I’m handing it to you. ‘*When I entered the dining-room, some- body relieved meof my hat. When I left, I asked for that hat. The waiter said, ‘**What kind of a hat was it, sir?’ ‘**A brand-new one,’ I replied truth- fully and anxiously. ‘**1’m afraid there’s not much chance for you, sir,’ grinned the menial. ‘All the new hats have been gone for fifteen minutes at least!’’’— Cleveland Plain Dealer. | Relief For Rupture Without Operation We Allow A 60-Day Test— Entirely At Our Own Risk—To Prove It No longer any need to drag through life at the mercy of leg, strap and spring trusses. No reason in the world for letting them force you to undergo a dangerous operation. Away With Leg-Strap and Spring Trusses So faras we know, our guaranteed rupture holder is the only thing of any kind for rupture that you can get on 60 days trial—the only thing we know of good enough to stand such a long and thorough test. It’s the famous Cluthe Automatic Massaging Truss— made on an absolutely new principle —has 18 patented features. Self adjusting. Does away with the misery of wearing belts, leg-straps and «pring». Guar. anteei to hold at all times—including when you are work. ing, taking a bath. etc. Has relieved in case afier cage thac seemed hopeless. Write for Free Rook of Advice —Cloth-hound, 104 pages Explains the dangers of operation. Shows just what's wrong with elastic and spring trusses, aud why drugstores should no mo allowed to fit trusses than tp perform operations Exposes the humbugs sh. ws how old-fashioned worth less trusses are sold wade false and misleading names Tells all aboutgths care and attention we give you Endorsements from over 5000 people, ip. eladiag physic jans wr te to-iay—find out how you can prove every word we say by making a 00 day test without risking a penny Box 126 — Cluthe Co., 125 E. 23rd St., New York t City CASH IN YOUR SPARE TIME! It you have spare time for sale we will buy it! We pay big money—good American Dollars—and back our ugents to the limit. Write at once for the greatest offer ever made by any tailoring concern on earth. 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ion way with 4ICACO PORTED n FRAN LYING! hires acid and “4 iin is ny style al prices Seventh el + af IN THE NEW PIRE-PROOF NEW YORK ‘i NAVARRE SEVENTH AVENUE AND 38TH STREET BUSINESS MEN _—‘ FAMILIES Maximum of Luxury at Minimum of Cost ACCESSIBLE—QUIET—ELEGANT Theatres, and Clubs. 300 Feet West of Broadway. EUROPEAN PLAN $1.50 per Day WITHOUT BATH ; Suites $3.50 and upwards SEND FOR COLORED MAP OF NEW YORK EDGAR T. SMITH, - Plaza Hotel, Chicago, under same management Within Five Minutes’ Walk of Shops Largest in New Dutch — Rooms. Cars pass Hotel Car Railroads. $2.00 per Day WITH BATH Managing Director TOURISTS Hotel Punta Gorda PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA A beautiful resort situated on the Gulf Coast, 300 miles south of Jackonsville. An elegant location to spend the win- ter months. It has the finest fishing and hunting in Florida. Hotel entirely remodelled and renovated and refur- nished. Very moderate rates. This is considered one of the finest resorts in Florida. For further information address RAY PAYNE, Manager Punta Gorda, Florida. RG @moh Gems r like diamonds. Brilliancy guaranteed tok Stand file, acid and fire like diamonds. EY paste, foil or backi mountings. , About -30th the marvelous s synthetic gem—wi ice of diamon in no glass. not an ii t and to Sent C. 0. D. subject to examination. today for our 4-color catalog DeLuxe, it’s free. Remoh Jewelry Co., 626 Washington Ave., St. Louis LOX Have no Set only in 14 karat | wold cut glass. Guaranteed AT HOME few gente er day will buy it. needed. ‘rite for particulars. BILLIARDS Have your own + Billiard and Pool Table. A No special billiard room E. T. Burrowes Co., 249 Free St., Portland, Me. Passing the Mustard What He Feared.—‘‘Old Beasley’’ has turned over a new leaf. He told me that he meant to keep himself from ever ut- tering a word that would subject him to criticism.”’ ‘Qld Beasley! The law?’’ ‘‘No, The dictagraph!’’ — Cleveland Plain Dealer. Cowboys.—‘‘I see Portuguese cowboys have been fighting with smugglers.”’ **I thought all the cowboys in the world were working for moving-picture outfits. ’’ —Denver Republican. The Style.—‘‘How does your new type- writer do?’’ ‘*Well, she leads the simple life in spelling.’’—Baltimore American. What's he afraid of? Unnecessary.—Mr. Wylkyns—Did you give the cook a letter of recommendation when she left? Mrs, Wylkyns—No. I asked her if she wanted one, and she said she could write a much better one herself.—Somerville Journal. The New Way.—Hungricus—Let me have some scrambled eggs. Waiter—Yessah, yessah. have ’em scrambled—a or—— Hungricus—No; a Springfield Union. To Be Developed.—‘‘ What is going on?’’ asked the terrified stranger in Central America. **Revolution,”’ uniform. ‘*Who is the leader of the rebels?’’ *‘Don’t know yet. That’s what this fight is about.’’— Washington Star. Pertinent Query.—‘‘He who puts -his hand to the plow,’’ screamed the cross- roads orator, How’ll you la Delmonico la parcel post.— replied the man in the ‘must not turn back! ‘*What is he to do when he gets to the end of the furrer?’’ asked the auditor in the blue jeans and overalls.— Youth’s Companion. The Unexpected.—‘‘Did you make a hit with your speech at the banquet last night?’’ ‘‘I guess so. I forgot what I intended to say and said what I ought not to have said.’’—Detroit Free Press. Why.—Mrs. Yeast—There’s my friend Mrs. Hiflier. She moves in the best so- ciety. Mrs. Fussandfeather—Yes; I suppose she finds it cheaper to move than to pay rent.—Philadelphia Telegraph. Short and Thin.—‘‘Use short words; they are the kind to use.’’ ‘*T know,”’ said the henpecked husband; ‘*and thin words—the kind you can get in edgewise.’’—Pittsburgh Post. Between Girls.—Agnes—What foolish things a young man will do when he’s in love! Ethel—Oh, Agnes! I’ll proposed !— Boston Transcript. bet Jack’s Borrowed.—‘‘The points in Bink’s speech were well taken, I thought.’’ ‘*Yes; most of them from other men.’’ —Buffalo Express. ii ri Old Overholt Rye *‘Same for 100 years”’ Approved by connoisseurs a centu ogo—cholee of refined tastes ever aeak, e whiskey that is as today as then, with th 7 Mahe ~ come Sete Save lavor and a at home or club. Distilled cnet and Toted under government supervision. A. OVERHOLT & CO, Pittsburgh, Pa. ili Pears Pears’ Soap makes white hands, gives clear skin and imparts fresh- ness to the complexion. A cake of Pears’ is a cake of comfort. Comfort by the cake or in boxes, | $8 yAn a eltlam ih Free e Sample Line You can do aswell. Just go and pick up $5 an hour with a oi tineot ry Fon — Clothes — FT shipped™Expres tripe rr) lutely free. We've real ‘‘goods.’’ Everythi WANTED—SALESMEN AND SALESWOMEN Hundreds of good $5,000.00 a year. 3 ones them. We will teach you to bea Saleswoman by mail in eight ad aotTaas Fer ier. Write Today for h rn ri monials from hund: Rod me ond Samet 4 or file Calas Dontane: leo lie of coed pecitzons coon, Add: from $1,000.00 lormer ex to get hah ini Selccman In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. Chicago New York KansasCity SanFrancisco New Orleans Toronto

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gant ~ \ bart we o Saar ; ADVANCE OF “THE GRAND ARMY {| ae ae. - ee ee em arat name fills more pages in the world’s solemn history than that of any other mortal. The advance of his Grand Army into Russia is the turning point in his career and marks the beginning of his downfall. The picture shown herewith from Ridpath’s History, the original of which was displayed at the World’s Fair at Chicago, marks but ONE EVENT out of THOUSANDS which are fully described in the world-famed publication Ridpath’s History of the World We have shipped this splendid work to delighted readers living in every state of the Union, and every purchaser is more than satisfied. The English. speaking world has endorsed this as the only History of the World worth having. We offer this great work brand new, down to date, beautifully bound in half-morocco, At a Very Low Price and on Easy Terms! We will name our price only in direct letters to those sending the coupon below. Tear off the coupon, write mame and ad- dress plainly and mail now before you forget it. Dr. Ridpath’s widow derives her income from his History, and to print our price broadcast for the sake of quickly selling these few sets would cause great injury to future sales. Send coupon today, (President McKinley said: ‘“‘I am familiar with the merits of Ridpath’s History of the World, and cordially commend it to the scholar as well as to the plain people generally.’’ President Warren, Boston University, said: ‘‘I should be glad to see it placed in the library of every young person in the United States, as ”~ ; . — A ~ t > and even in the English-speaking world.” | & a oe E will mei i i ‘ “ fp “ tes Mail free a Bishop Vincent boon autiful 46-page 00k let on hi said: “‘Ridpath’s History is in clear and : every repder Reet. to agreeable style, comprehensive in treat- tn who mails ue ci ) j ’ - t ment, readable type and admirable > fe teins perenne It con- illustrations. This set of books is a permanent col- ~ - Cesar Meet of Socrates ; Z > ; , apoleon, Shake. lege chair of general history in one’s own house."’ William J. Bryan said: ‘‘Dr. Ridpatk’s History of the World is a lasting monument tof 9 massive other great the author's intelligence and industry, It] yolumes . . is thorough and comprehensive and will weight “ é ral a 4,000 double column pages. be a permanent help to an increas- . — . ing number as a reference library.” | 60 Ibs. a 2,000 superb flustrations, THE REASO for Dr. Ridpath’s enviable position as an historian is his wonderfully beautiful style, 4 > style no other historian in any generation has ever equaled. He pictures the great his eS torical events as though they were happening before your eyes; he carries you with him to see the battles of old; to meet kings and queens and warriors; to sit in the Roman senate; to march against Saladin and his dark- skinned followers; to sail the southern seas with Drake; to circumnavigate the globe with Magellan; to watch that thin line of Greek spearmen work havoc with the Persian hordes on the field of Marathon; to know the past as you know the present. He combines absorbing interest with supreme reliability and makes the heroes of history real living men and women, and about them he weaves the rise and fall of empires in such a fascinating style that history becomes as absorbingly interesting 4% WESTERN NEWSPAPER ASSOCIATION H. E. SEVER, President 140 Soe. Dearborn Street, Chicago sample pages of Ridpath’s Mistery of the Werld, containing photogravures o .?) QD Napoleon and Queen Elizabeth en ne als hy SE > the greatest of novels. Hundreds who read this have decided to buy Ridpath some day; ee eee ee tcl diet t SURGE veda now is the time. No need for us to tell you about Ridpath. The English-speaking world has pronounced this the only history of the world worth having. It is e& Name seededeoes sovess pusocenaennesynserey “ dorsed by Public Men, Educators, Business Men, the Clergy and everybody , who knows history. 3 SEND COUPON TO-DAY CC ee eee