3.5.2: Act II

SCENE I

Enter Monsieur Take-pleasure, and his Man Dick.

Monsieur Take-pleasure.

DIck, Am I fine to day?

DICK. Yes, Sir, as fine as Feathers, Ribbons, Gold, and Silver can make you.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Dost thou think I shall get the Lady Happy?

DICK. Not if it be her fortune to continue in that name.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Why?

DICK. Because if she Marry your Worship she must change her Name; for the Wife takes the Name of her Husband, and quits her own.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Faith, Dick, if I had her wealth I should be Happy.

DICK. It would be according as your Worship would use it; but, on my conscience, you would be more happy with the Ladie's Wealth, then the Lady would be with your Worship.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Why should you think so?

DICK. Because Women never think themselves happy in Marriage.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. You are mistaken; for Women never think themselves happpy until they be Married.

DICK. The truth is, Sir, that Women are always unhappy in their thoughts, both before and after Marriage; for, before Marriage they think themselves unhappy for want of a Husband; and after they are Married, they think themselves unhappy for having a Husband.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Indeed Womens thoughts are restless.

Enter Monsieur Facil, and Monsieur Adviser, to Monsieur Take-pleasure; all in their Wooing Accoutrements.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Gentlemen, I perceive you are all prepared to Woo.

MONSIEUR FACIL. Yes faith, we are all prepared to be Wooers. But whom shall we get to present us to the Lady Happy?

MONSIEUR ADVISER. We must set on bold faces, and present our selves.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Faith, I would not give my hopes for an indifferent portion.

MONSIEUR FACIL. Nor I.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. The truth is, We are all stuft with Hopes, as Cushions are with Feathers.

Enter Monsieur Courtly.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. O Gentlemen, Gentlemen, we are all utterly undone.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Why, what's the matter?

MONSIEUR COURTLY. Why, the Lady Happy hath incloister'd her self, with twenty Ladies more.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. The Devil she hath?

MONSIEUR FACIL. The gods forbid.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. Whether it was the devil or the gods that have perswaded her to it, I cannot tell; but gone in she is.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. I hope it is but a blast of Devotion, which will soon flame out.

Enter Madam Mediator.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. O Madam Mediator, we are all undone, the Lady Happy is incloister'd.

MADAM MEDIATOR. Yes, Gentlemen, the more is the pitty.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Is there no hopes?

MADAM MEDIATOR. Faith, little.

MONSIEUR FACIL. Let us see the Clergy to perswade her out, for the good of the Commonwealth.

MADAM MEDIATOR. Alas Gentlemen! they can do no good, for she is not a Votress to the gods but to Nature.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. If she be a Votress to Nature, you are the only Person fit to be Lady Prioress; and so by your power and authority you may give us leave to visit your Nuns sometimes.

MADAM MEDIATOR. Not but at a Grate, unless in time of Building, or when they are sick; but howsoever, the Lady Happy is Lady-Prioress her self, and will admit none of the Masculine Sex, not so much as to a Grate, for she will suffer no grates about the Cloister; she has also Women-Physicians, Surgeons and Apothecaries, and she is the chief Confessor her self, and gives what Indulgences or Absolutions she pleaseth: Also, her House, where she hath made her Convent, is so big and convenient, and so strong, as it needs no addition or repair: Besides, she has so much compass of ground within her walls, as there is not only room and place enough for Gardens, Orchards, Walks, Groves, Bowers, Arbours, Ponds, Fountains, Springs and the like; but also conveniency for much Provision, and hath Women for every Office and Employment: for though she hath not above twenty Ladies with her, yet she hath a numerous Company of Female Servants, so as there is no occasion for Men.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. If there be so many Women, there will be the more use for Men: But pray Madam Mediator, give me leave, rightly to understand you, by being more clearly informed: you say, The Lady Happy is become a Votress to Nature; and if she be a Votress to Nature, she must be a Mistress to Men.

MADAM MEDIATOR. By your favour, Sir, she declares,That she hath avoided the company of Men, by retirement, meerly, because she would enjoy the variety of Pleasures, which are in Nature; of which, she says, Men are Obstructers; for, instead of increasing Pleasure, they produce Pain; and, instead of giving Content, they increase Trouble; instead of making the Femal-Sex Happy, they make them Miserable; for which, she hath banished the Masculine Company for ever.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Her Heretical Opinions ought not to be suffer'd, nor her Doctrine allow'd; and she ought to be examined by a Masculine Synod, and punish'd with a severe Husband, or tortured with a deboist Husband.

MADAM MEDIATOR. The best way, Gentlemen, is to make your Complaints, and put up a Petition to the State, with your desires for a Redress.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. Your Counsel is good.

MONSIEUR FACIL. We will follow it, and go presently about it.

Exeunt.

SCENE II

Enter the Lady Happy, with her Ladies; as also Madam Mediator.

Lady Happy.

LAdies, give me leave to desire your Confession, whether or no you repent your Retirement.

LADIES. Most excellent Lady, it were as probable a repentance could be in Heaven amongst Angels as amongst us.

LADY HAPPY. Now Madam Mediator, let me ask you, Do you condemn my act of Retirement?

MADAM MEDIATOR. I approve of it with admiration and wonder, that one that is so young should be so wise.

LADY HAPPY. Now give me leave to inform you, how I have order'd this our Convent of Pleasure; first, I have such things as are for our Ease and Conveniency; next for Pleasure, and Delight; as I have change of Furniture, for my house; according to the four Seasons of the year, especially our Chambers: As in the Spring, our Chambers are hung with Silk-Damask, and all other things suitable to it; and a great Looking-Glass in each Chamber, that we may view our selves and take pleasure in our own Beauties, whilst they are fresh and young; also, I have in each Chamber a Cupboard of such plate, as is useful, and whatsoever is to be used is there ready to be imployed; also, I have all the Floor strew'd with sweet Flowers: In the Summer I have all our Chambers hung with Taffety, and all other things suitable to it, and a Cup-board of Purseline, and of Plate, and all the Floore strew'd every day with green Rushes or Leaves, and Cisterns placed neer our Beds-heads, wherein Water may run out of small Pipes made for that purpose: To invite repose in the Autumn, all our Chambers are hung with Gilt Leather, or Franchipane; also, Beds and all other things suitable; and the Rooms Matted with very fine Mats: In the Winter our Chambers must be hung with Tapestry, and our Beds of Velvet, lined with Sattin, and all things suitable to it, and all the Floor spread over with Turkie Carpets, and a Cup-board of Gilt Plate; and all the Wood for Firing to be Cypress and Juniper; and all the Lights to be Perfumed Wax; also, the Bedding and Pillows are ordered according to each Season; viz. to be stuft with Feathers in the Spring and Autumn, and with Down in the Winter, but in the Summer to be only Quilts, either of Silk, or fine Holland; and our Sheets, Pillows,Table-Clothes and Towels, to be of pure fine Holland, and every day clean; also, the Rooms we eat in, and the Vessels we feed withal, I have according to each Season; and the Linnen we use to our Meat, to be pure fine Diaper, and Damask, and to change it fresh every course of Meat: As for our Galleries, Stair-Cases, and Passages, they shall be hung with various Pictures; and, all along the Wall of our Gallery, as long as the Summer lasts, do stand, upon Pedestals, Flower-pots, with various Flowers; and in the Winter Orange-Trees: and my Gardens to be kept curiously, and flourish, in every Season of all sorts of Flowers, sweet Herbs and Fruits, and kept so as not to have a Weed in it, and all the Groves, Wildernesses, Bowers and Arbours pruned, and kept free from dead Boughs Branches or Leaves; and all the Ponds, Rivolets, Fountains, and Springs, kept clear, pure and fresh: Also, we will have the choisest Meats every Season doth afford, and that every day our Meat, be drest several ways, and our drink cooler or hotter according to the several Seasons; and all our Drinks fresh and pleasing: Change of Garments are also provided, of the newest fashions for every Season, and rich Trimming; so as we may be accoutred properly, and according to our several pastimes: and our Shifts shall be of the finest and purest Linnen that can be bought or spun.

LADIES. None in this World can be happier.

LADY HAPPY. Now Ladies, let us go to our several Pastimes, if you please.

Exeunt.

SCENE III

Enter Two Ladies.

Lady Amorous.

MAdam, how do you, since you were Married?

LADY VERTUE. Very well, I thank you.

LADY AMOROUS. I am not so well as I wish I were.

Enter Madam Mediator to them.

MADAM MEDIATOR. Ladies, do you hear the News?

LADY VERTUE. What News?

MADAM MEDIATOR. Why there is a great Foreign Princess arrived, hearing of the famous Convent of Pleasure, to be one of Nature's Devotes.

LADY AMOROUS. What manner of Lady is she?

MADAM MEDIATOR. She is a Princely brave Woman truly, of a Masculine Presence.

LADY VERTUE. But, Madam Mediator, Do they live in such Pleasure as you say? for they'l admit you, a Widow, although not us, by reason we are Wives.

MADAM MEDIATOR. In so much Pleasure, as Nature never knew, before this Convent was: and for my part, I had rather be one in the Convent of Pleasure, then Emperess of the whole World; for every Lady there enjoyeth as much Pleasure as any absolute Monarch can do, without the Troubles and Cares, that wait on Royalty; besides, none can enjoy those Pleasures They have, unless they live such a retired or retreated life free from the Worlds vexations.

LADY VERTUE. Well, I wish I might see and know, what Pleasures they enjoy.

MADAM MEDIATOR. If you were there, you could not know all their Pleasure in a short time, for their Varieties will require a long time to know their several Changes; besides, their Pleasures and Delights vary with the Seasons; so that what with the several Seasons, and the Varieties of every Season, it will take up a whole life's time.

LADY VERTUE. But I could judg of their Changes by their single Principles.

MADAM MEDIATOR. But they have Variety of one and the same kind.

LADY VERTUE. But I should see the way or manner of them.

MADAM MEDIATOR. That you might.

Exeunt.

SCENE IV

Enter Monsieur Adviser, Courtly, Take-pleasure, and Facil.

Monsieur Courtly.

IS there no hopes to get those Ladies out of their Convent?

MONSIEUR ADVISER. No faith, unless we could set the Convent on fire.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. For Jupiter's sake, let us do it, let's every one carry a Fire-brand to fire it.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. Yes, and smoak them out, as they do a Swarm of Bees.

MONSIEUR FACIL. Let's go presently about it.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Stay, there is a great Princess there.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. 'Tis true, but when that Princess is gone, we will surely do it.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Yes, and be punish'd for our Villany.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. It will not prove Villany, for we shall do Nature good service.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Why, so we do Nature good service, when we get a Wench with Child, but yet the Civil Laws do punish us for it.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. They are not Civil Laws that punish Lovers.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. But those are Civil Laws that punish Adulterers.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. Those are Barbarous Laws that make Love Adultery.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. No,Those are Barbarous that make Adultery Love.

MONSIEUR FACIL. Well, leaving Love and Adultery, They are foolish Women that vex us with their Retirement.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Well, Gentlemen, although we rail at the Lady Happy for Retiring, yet if I had such an Estate as she, and would follow her Example; I make no doubt but you would all be content to encloister your selves with me upon the same conditions, as those Ladies incloister themselves with her.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Not unless you had Women in your Convent.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Nay, faith, since Women can quit the pleasure of Men, we Men may well quit the trouble of Women.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. But is there no place where we may peak into the Convent?

MONSIEUR ADVISER. No, there are no Grates, but Brick and Stone-walls.

MONSIEUR FACIL. Let us get out some of the Bricks or Stones.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Alas! the Walls are a Yard-thick.

MONSIEUR FACIL. But nothing is difficult to Willing-minds.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. My Mind is willing; but my Reason tells me, It is impossible; wherefore, I'le never go about it.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Faith, let us resolve to put our selves in Womens apparel, and so by that means get into the Convent.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. We shall be discover'd.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. Who will discover Us?

MONSIEUR ADVISER. We shall discover our Selves.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. We are not such fools as to betray our Selves.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. We cannot avoid it, for, our very Garb and Behaviour; besides, our Voices will discover us: for we are as untoward to make Courtsies in Petticoats, as Women are to make Legs in Breeches; and it will be as great a difficulty to raise our Voices to a Treble-sound, as for Women to press down their Voices to a Base; besides, We shall never frame our Eyes and Mouths to such coy, dissembling looks, and pritty simpering Mopes and Smiles, as they do.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. But we will go as strong lusty Country-Wenches, that desire to serve them in Inferiour Places, and Offices, as Cook-maids, Laundry-maids, Dairy-maids, and the like.

MONSIEUR FACIL. I do verily believe, I could make an indifferent Cook-maid, but not a Laundry, nor a Dairy-maid; for I cannot milk Cows, nor starch Gorgets, but I think I could make a pretty shift, to wash some of the Ladies Night-Linnen.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. But they imploy Women in all Places in their Gardens; and for Brewing, Baking and making all sorts of things; besides, some keep their Swine, and twenty such like Offices and Employments there are which we should be very proper for.

MONSIEUR FACIL. O yes, for keeping of Swine belongs to Men; remember the Prodigal Son.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Faith, for our Prodigality we might be all Swin-heards.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. Also we shall be proper for Gardens, for we can dig, and set, and sow.

MONSIEUR TAKE-PLEASURE. And we are proper for Brewing.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. We are more proper for Drinking, for I can drink good Beer, or Ale, when 'tis Brew'd; but I could not brew such Beer, or Ale, as any man could drink.

MONSIEUR FACIL. Come, come, we shall make a shift one way or other: Besides, we shall be very willing to learn, and be very diligent in our Services, which will give good and great content; wherefore, let us go and put these designes into execution.

MONSIEUR COURTLY. Content, content.

MONSIEUR ADVISER. Nay, faith, let us not trouble our Selves for it, 'tis in vain.

Exeunt.

Work Cited

Cavendish, Margaret. The Convent of Pleasure. Plays, never before printed, edited by Mary Mark Ockerbloom, 1668. Accessed 29 June 2026. (Public Domain).