Punch July 07-December 29, 1920: Vol 159

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Sracbury, Agnew & Printers, Whitetriars, London, EF.

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‘Punch Su KELY. GET A mmer Number—1920. )U’VE GOT A FINE DAY FOR IT.” LITTLE MORE OVER TO WINDWA

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: f Punch Summer Number —1920.

THE INCONSIDERATE BATHER.

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. ys i! | # . wa -')) \\ \ XG, \ , if \\ \ / en ne ull Come | SiG see = y ae *%$ OWING TO THE SHORTAGE 0} BATHING-MACHINES AT SHINGLESEA THE ACTION OF Mn. JONES, FROM SEA-VIEW —_——- —— eo r a ha — | a ve Ld — E ° 7s. srs =" —— . inatintithes ae - | me 5 ee ‘ ae or zy aNeER ee f SRA } . 1 ty | jie pei % - t ' t | \ | a Ne of mint 3) hs

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_ Punch Summer Number—1920. 1] | Me NY \\ > |S : 4 bi J Wy WE \/ \ ae) My BEACH HOTEL wetic€ Tut BUS Bie GOLF LINKS 14 tempovertly SUSPENDED , ~~ ranean ppeervewrvessicesy: coc itrr erate EE ~ eet \\ , £ ‘s (iif ~ ’ \ \ = t ; t f \\ o ~~ / ah ihe ’ Ny i . i \ Ay / i\ \ N ARN y ¥ as | 4 | THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS. | THE “FLAPPER SEAT” AND ITS HOLIDAY PROBLEMS. WON MRM IVOOAY NY SQA ‘ | | } | | ! i | | oe » i s ~ | ee TW lowe” ines Percy. ‘‘ DOES IT ALWAYS RAIN IN THIS GHASTLY PLACE ?”’ | Boatman, ‘‘ Lorn’ BLESS YER, NO, Sir, WuHy, ONLY LAST SUMMER A LONDON GENT WENT OME WITH SUNSTROKE.”’ }

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Punch Summer N umber—1920. = Gy = ae: ee a — > J 1) AT ASCOT SHE PLUNGES. (2) AT THE FINAL OF THE GOLF CHAMPIONSHIP SHE DETERMINES TO “THE FINISH.” ARRIVING EARLY SHE TAKES UP A COMMANDING POSITION. SECURE A GOOD VIEW OF

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| viene Punch Saninter Number—1920. Bid es es | POST-WAR UNREST. GRANNIE GETS OUT OF HAND. (3) SHE RUNS AMOK AT HENLEY. (4) SHE COMES ABOARD AT COWES.

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Punch: ‘Summer N umber—! ' 920. a ae Siasiiiticitcd NEW NURSERY RHYMES FOR OLD. “i ¢ sd H P aarti ‘a f f fn IM ¥ yk ‘FA . " AT uv ’ . SIMPLE SIMON PAID A FLYMAN “WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO, MY PRETTY MAID . “ly os nanan Sir.’ yee JUST HIS LEGAL FARE. VOING SAID. : : “ ’ os ‘ SAID THE FLYMAN TO SIMPLE Simon— ee ALONG IN AND BATHE WITH MRE. “ ” ‘ALAS ULD RUIN MY DRESS,’ SAID SHI : : 3 rn alta ar (P’RAPS WE'LL LEAVE IT THERE.)

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Punch Summer Number—1920.

NEW NURSERY RHYMES FOR OLD. “Mary, MARY, SLIGHTLY AIRY, How DO THE FASHIONS GO?” **SCRAPED-UP HAIR AND SHOULI AND VERTEBR&® ALL IN A hO

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, Its EYE WAS GREEN AS GRAS Ir FOLLOWED HER WHERE’'ER § THE SILLY LITTLE ASS,

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1 | | JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL AND FOOZLED FROM THE TEE; | SHE REACHED THE GREEN IN SEVENTEEN But HE TOOK FORTY-THREE. } | | } | | ‘ | ' i wee if A)\' ¥. oh hy | { pies * Saget . hy Ml \ ithe . aqiiiee = Fal = 7h tl) bee f <b Wie ber hes (4 + a Wee BOLE - ea) iY AL ae ont, VM Ni) 'g Perea | eee NY, | Wem) 7) Tt = at * tei. Pe ** PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” “T’VE BEEN DINING AND SUPPING AND DANCING BETWEEN.” ‘“* PUSSYCAT, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR HEAD?” “T SAT ON THE STAIRS AND I ” (*THar’LL po,”—Ep.]}

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WHY WITH ONE OF INDEFD FOR AN YOUR EYE ON THE NEW “BATHERS’ FRIEND” BRI SITE PERIOD. AT THE SAME TIME ATHIN THE —-YOUR CLOTHES. THE COST ber—1920. _ NOT KEEP COOL? TUBES YOU CAN REMAIN TOTALLY SUBMERGED PERISCOPE ATTACHMENT ENABLES YOU TO KEEP IS ONLY TWO GUINEAS,

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Number—1920. Punch Summer whee - pe A STIFF TEST FOR THE ENTENTE. (ENGLISH). Eyrer LADY OF UNCERTAIN AGE A RESTAURANT CAR OSCILLATING SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE.

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Punch Summer N AROMIO VT Nervous Gentleman. ‘‘ I Bevieve I’ To Our Lady Champion (without enthusias Nervous Gentleman. *‘I° Our Lady Cha mignon THE LINKS WIFl hold your love, my Susan, lightly Think not that my so firm affection fails, that I deem your That drew me Fear not that tl Whieh sti If round the links | recommend that Should A Gourer To HIS NEw ON BEIN wink not I Or face has grown swooning to | ose pure ar dours, O my sweet, war l recall th i unsi¢gh the altar-rails: e sun’s meri ian Vr go our several ways, It is a game, this goli—ah, what a pity! Where true love’s course is seldom smoo Where constant deviations from the pri tty Sunder the tracks that rightly should be one; You on the sea-beach, I amid the heather, Traversing totally divergent scenes— Only by mere chance should we come togethe: Save on the tees and greens. Rapture, I grant, would follow each reunion That marked our eighteen separate journeys’ ends After the horrid gaps in our communion Meetings like these would make a fair amends But there’ s a risk that we might both be minded To interchange salutes in lovers’ wise, And such a spectacle ere now has blinded A modest caddie’s eyes. "Number - 1920. UR PARTNER NEXT SET.”’ SPLENDID.”’ VERY STRONG PLAYER.”’ QUITE GOOD AT GETTING OUT OF THE Way,” THAT SEVER. INVITED TO PLAY A SINGLE WITH HER, Or, on the other hand, there might be quarrels you should underestimate your score ; lf, with a woman’s You made it sketchier sense of morals, twelve in lieu of twenty-four; Sy Your legend might arouse derisive laughter Or in a peevish moment I might let | all some expression which for ever after Both of us would regret. a : | lesides, the language of profound disp! easure In which I tell my clubs that they ’re to bla | Might shatter your ideal (and you, my treasure, Possibly say the like when off your game); Pefore each other, ever since our bridals, And we should loathe it if we caught our idols Ending in putty feet. | What if the links without you will be lonely ? What if the parting cuts you like a knife? We'll keep our mutual respect—the only Sound basis of the perfect wedded life: Though (as I mentioned) I shall sadly miss { know the hazards, and I think it best We should not stake our all upon the issue Of woes so as a test. you, ue | We've said no word a saint might not repeat ;

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Bia : Punch Summer Number-—1920. the question: at Whether 'tis nobler in Ly the mind to suffer — Or totake arms against a Sea of troubles . et aC Se x atiES 4 c.. ” aan =—NSSSSS FB = s a

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Punch Summer N umber—1920._ FIRST WICKET DOWN; OR, THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.

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Number—1920. Punch Summer OR, THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME. FIRST WICKET DOWN;

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Al aT GACT SN ALOIS TOT 4 i * ME re Sabaneta ted * FISHIN Punc h Summer N AN’ CATCHLN’ FISH 1 umber—1920. | SIR, TWO WERRY DIFFERENT 17 HINGS.”

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Punch Summer Number—1920. THE JUMPER. ACT I (A week elapses). ACT IL.

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Sib Tent la TR hey. Sins Se Lun gnc ames Herter fommagamanage sooipgersmtnen mp oe “ke, Punch Summer Number—1920. THE PAST. i FS nai cttn Pecan an. At eel is a ss. Rx “3 WINS 100 PENNIES — . , ETHELRED THE UNREADY SAYS Thomas of Epping, this week's winner in . aos SEA =" et oo heeske - BE PREPARED our Wolf's Head Competition Hengst and Horsa lande don tl e kast ‘ ps ~~ wee On Monday the King presented the East recemt p ire of the ramous exprorers Saxon Regiment with a mascot Ee , a } ~ I } | t i wd ROMANTIC ENGAGE. MENT HUSTLED BY PIRATES . if > Rosamond the beautiful Re Raids by the Danes are becomir vue Artiste who is to marry the Ear! of Stony Stratford Be sure to read Edgar | ong-i An unfortunate the-Jaw S powerful article on c servant problem in Denmark the Danish Peril in next Sun day's number 1& frequent on the coast of Suffolk olve the domest HIS MAJESTY GETS HIS FEET WET King Canute, whose witty reproof of t t } UNIQUE BOATING PARTY . Os ? © c us courtier ill ting Sar: > ig c ‘ } 1 . make Bim unere papular’ if sossibie, a xd ys beer ony —s and the Eight Kings had a delightful outing on the river Dee last week. The weather subjects and the tributary monarchs were unanimous in their praises of His Majesty's kindness and hospitality.

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Punch Summer Number — 1920. SOME CUTTINGS FROM THE ILLUSTRATED PAPERS OF THE PAST. ee ee Lae NE SEDER, Te Se ee r } } \ ! \ KING INVENTS CANDLE CLOCK HAPPY WARRIORS Our ingenious King with his newly Norman Tommies on the beach at Hastings enjoy a dip after the Late ee invented time-measurer battle : z Z Mr. Purkess, the charcoal-burner, who found the body of King Rufus. — ee ee } | | \RTUN — “ ‘ ‘ DOLE WELL-KNOWN SPORTSMAN INJURED FORTUNA TE CHURLS RECEIVE DOLE Sir Robert FitzHugh met with an accident in the hunting field a few days ago. We are glad The Earl and Countess of Bucklebury distributing to hear that he is making a rapid recovery bread to the poor last Thursday THE STRIKE IN THE LEATHER TRADE. SPORT-LOVING MONARCH TAKES A DAY OFF Pickets at work in the streets of Northampton The Roya! Hunting Party on the way to the New Forest

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Punch Summer Number—I1 920. a ff ¥ re Old Lady. “There's a dance at our hotel to-night, dear ; won't you come ? Young Lady. “I'd love to; but I didn't bring any evening frocks down here.” Old Lady. “Never mind that ; just come as you are.” Young Lady. “ Right-o, | will.” es ala RIS LEAP REE

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Punch Summer Number—1920. And, except for a trifling re-arrangement, she does.

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Punch Summer Number 1920. AT THE DERBY WITH BOTTICELLL oe ee ee ee

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AE LEED ee hf ca Punch Summer Number 1920. ct alltel, PP IP ON THE ° ~~ ae — eet cy et OM il, RIVER—WITH WATTEAU.

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Punch Summer Number—1920. a aE Soaeae THE ENTOMOLOGIST AND THE BUTTERFLY.

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~

Punch Summer Number—1 920.

‘ ’ ” “EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS. SOMEBODY OUGHT TO TELL THOSE KIDS NOT TO DO THAT I'M S’RE SOMEBODY OUGHT TO TELL THOSE KIDS NOT TO DO THAT f.: oe) > is, ma is °) (L- y »! } AL » 4 St “S / =/} by x) ——=—=>= ee => % - i ‘a St ied Tl —= ee i} a 2 ze > = —_— * ; o a _ ~~ 7\ | y to , af A 7 2 _S ~ {{ = ca ‘ i 7 mee ias = a CAN ti ~ ¢ —~—>. Dap Se i 3 a > Sar \ VO? LN KEY SS WHY DOESN'T SOMEBODY TELL THOSE KIDS NOT TO DO THA! ? THOSE KIDS OUGHT TO BE TOLD NOT TO DO THAT. ° . (=> < Va ye z VSy YX | u Uv Vil aise og fe Pal a Rn “2 Side | Ei = _— cy S74nPe *J2o, IF SOMEBODY DOESN'T TELL THOSE KIDS NOT TO DO THAT—— I KNEW SOMEBODY OUGHT TO HAVE TOLD THOSE KIDS NOT TO DO THAT.

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SILK SOCKS AND A WHICH HAD GROWN

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Punch Summer Number—1920. “THE YOUNG VISITERS” AT THE SEASIDE. — — =>— (3) She said to IIim, ‘‘ On, ves, LeT’s!” AND SANK IN A VERY SUPERIOR WAY ON TO THE SEAWEED, WHICH WAS WET AND GUEEN > Ze os 4b. H-Of 7 (4) AND, HAVING STARTED ON THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE, THEY NEVER LOOKED BEHIND THEM.

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eta: aaa penaet > | ROO * 7 r\)) } y ss "hy AES “or 4 A * ob NWO Y, | i > - Informative Fielder (to baisman who seems inclined t } nal ; ease 4 SUCK N es Oe » weigh the situation) ~ TuHat’s our, GRoRGR,” J alee % ad £

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} Punch Summer Number— 1920. | - jf ne c — : : se rd 5 mere en a ed rae Me i a Mis. > RAK. NOPE LTS. = : Abe tae ’ ai ‘et a % homed MS A ft ® D4 tt SY ee eae oe ys ‘pla (Ral SA aca Le : +S) Mr re bs ‘ , Je Life ¢ ‘ a“ ° - ; P| ; eA oa 4g F si Nd ? 8 j SY yey % [Fe : ¢ th : aa hf! Aye ; ¢ oc Ann | was the name which he had given to|intelligible at first, but as the days THE LEGEND OF HI-YOU. |it) shared their food, their sleeping}; went on seeming more and more I. | apartments, much indeed as did Hi-You, charged with an inner meaning to In the days of Good King Carraway | but he lived, or so it seemed to the| Hi-You, until at last he could interpret (dead now, poor fellow, but he bad a | other, an inner life of his own. In| every variation of grunt with which his pleasant time while he lasted) there | short Frederick was a soulful pig. small black friend responded. And in- lived a certain swineherd commonly! There could be only one reason for} deed it was a pretty sight to see them called Hi-You. It was the duty of} this: Frederick was a Prinee in d’s-j sitting together on the topof a hill, the Hi-You to bring up one hundred and| guise. Some enchanter—it was a com-| world at their feet, discussing at one forty-one pigs for his master, and this | mon enough happening in those days— | time the politieal situation of Milvania, he did with as much enthusiasm as the| annoyed by Frederick's father, or his| at another the latest ballad of the coun- work permitted. But there were times} uncle, or even by Frederick himself, | tryside, or even in their more hopeful when his profession failed him. In/|had turned him into a small black pig) moments planning what they should the blue days of summer Princes and! until such time as the feeling between'do when Frederick at last was re- Prineesses, Lords and Ladies, stored to public life. Chamberlains and Enchanters would ride past him and leave il. him vaguely dissatisfied with Now it chanced that one his company, so that he would morning when Frederick and remove the straw from his Hi-You were arguing together mouth and gaze after them, in a friendly manner over the wondering what it would be new uniforms of the Town like te have as little regard Guard (to the colours of which for a swineherd as they. But Frederick took exception) King when they were out of sight he Carraway himself passed that would replace the straw in his way, and being in a good hu- mouth and fall with great dili- mour stood for a moment list- gence to the counting of his ening to them. herd and such other duties as % “ Well, well,” he said at last, are required of the expert pig- * ‘well, well, well.” tender, assuring himself that if In great surprise Hi-You man could not be lively with looked up, and then, seeing that one hundred and _ forty - one it was the King, jumped to his companions he must indeed be - *- feet and bowed several times. | a poor-spivrited sort of fellow. them had passed away. There was a| “Pardon, Your Majesty,”’ he stam- | Now there was one little black pig for | Prince Frederick of Milvania who had mered, “ I did not see Your Majesty. | whom Hi-You had a speeial tenderness. | disappeared suddenly; probably this | was—I was talking.” Just so, he often used to think, would} was he. His complexion was darker| “Toa pig,” laughed the ling. he have felt towards a brother if this | now, his tail more eurly, but the royal} “To His Royal Highness Prince had been granted to him, It was not| bearing was unmistakable. Frederick of Milvania,’’ said Hi-You the colour of the little pig nor the} It was natural then that, having | proudly. curliness of his tail (endearing though | little in common with his other hundred} “I beg your pardon,’ said the King; this was), nor even the melting expres- | and forty charges, Hi-You should find|“ could [ trouble you to say that sion in his eyes which warmed the] himself drawn into ever closer com-| again?” swineherd’s heart, but the feeling that| panionship with Frederick. They would “His Royal Highness Prince Fred- | intellectually ‘this pig was as solitary} talk together in the intervals of acorn-| erick of Milvania.” among the huadred and forty others as Hi-You himself. Frederick (for that hunting, Frederick's share of the con- versation limited to * Humphs,” un- “ Yes, that was what it sounded like last time.”’

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ide ak i, PEP MRS Punch Summer Number—1920. _

eho ea . = umph!” said Frederick acai i-Y i thie assurance mph!" sai rederick again, “ Frederick,’ murmured Hi-You in|not eat them, the which assurane¢ Hum] 8 ca E agi eB l taderick no doubt, was peculiarly glad| ‘“ What did that one mean, Father‘ his friend’s ear, “this is His Majesty} Frederick, no doubt, was peculiarly gle

im | ive asked Amaril. King Carraway. He - me oe ~~ eA,” | id the King, as they were} : “That meant—er—that meant—well, ae oe caesar a pa id | tang Wg R 1 Lib ary, that’s {it’s alittle hard to put it colloquially “You don’t mean to tell me, said | show n into the Royal brary, = bdigesaar ray npn a ad oe gga. His Majesty, pointing to the pig, “anak } right. He turned to the Princess. “ My | but roughly ade a ges this is Prince Frederick ?” yr a surprise.” ture with his hand—* that we have | dear, prepare i ; “ae ‘ ‘ . . | r Jathar ’’ aai ar illv. | er—been having very charming weather “ It ig indeed, Sire. Such distressing| ‘“ Yes, Father,” said Amaril dutifully. | er—been having very cha g weather oT i incidents must often have occurred | within Your Majesty's recollection.’ “They have, yes. Dear me, dear &4 ine Ayn his,” said His Majesty drama | lately.” He frowned vigorously at the swineherd. “Exactly, Your Majesty,” said Hi- You. “Charming weather for the time of year.” ‘For the time of year, of course,” said the King hastily. ‘*One nat- urally assumes that. Well, my dear,” he went on to his daughter, “‘ |'’m

“ Humph,” ren arked Frederick, feeling it was time he said some- 4% thing, “ Hig Royal Highness says that he is very proud to meet so distin ‘uished a monarch as Your Ma- ure you will be glad to know ressy.”” aa jo AYR that Prince Frederick ' «Did he say that?” asked the x aS HANNS 3 has consented to stay with King, surprised. ” ee us for a little. You will ‘Undoubtedly, Your Majesty.” out a hand, “is a]give orders that suitable apartments “ Very good of him, I’m sure.” 1 | are to be prepared,” | ty Humph,” said Frederick again. | «Which one, Father?” said Amaril.| “ Yes, Father. What are suitable “ He adds,” explained Hi-You, “that! “The small black one, of course,’ | apartments ? 7 Your Majesty's great valour is only|said the King crossly; “the othe: is| The King pulled at his beard and excelled by the distinction of Your] merely his attendant. Hi, you, what 3 | regarded Frederick doubtfully. Majesty's appearance.” | your name?’ | ‘Perhaps it would be better,” the “ Dearme, ’ said the King, “I thought The swineherd hastened to explain} Princess went on, looking at Hi-You, he was merely repeating himself. It|that His Majesty, with His Majesty’s| ‘if this gentleman 7 seems to me very clever of you to under- | unfailing

: ing memory for names, had gra-| ‘Ofcourse, mydear, of course. Natur stand so exactly what he is saying.” ciously mentioned it | ally His Royal Highness would wish to “Humph,” said Frederick, feeling} ‘ You don’t say anything,” said the] retain his suite.”

that it was about acorn time again. 17 to his daughter. | ‘* Humph!”’ said Frederick, mean “ His Royal Highness is kind enough Princess Amaril sighed. |ing, I imagine, that things were look- to say that we are very old friends.” | ‘He is very handsome, Father,” she| ing up. “Yes, of course, that must make a/|said, looking at Hi-You. Ill. difference. One soon picks it up, no| “ Y-yes,’ said the King, regarding | Of all the Princes who from time to doubt. But we must not be inhos-|] rf | : -| Fre ck (who was combing himself | time had visited the Court none en pitable to so distinguished a visitor. | thoughtfully b ' | deared himself so rapidly to the people Certainly he must stay with us at the doubt, “there is perhaps | as did Frederick of Milvania, His com- ) € * 1} < , ry enry a] y | ; “wre y 1] ix ’ } ; ; ] Palace. And youhadbettercomealong|a certain elusive charm about him| plete lack of vanity, his thoughtfulness, , P fry it AY . ha Lat - ich :s, . ss . too, my man, tor lt may well be that] whiel | the intense reserve which so obviously without your aid some of His Royal| but ind the left ear) with

1 an untrained eye might miss, | Now the swineherd, who with in- to the Palace. | stinetive good breeding had taken the Now Her Royal Highness Princess | straw from his mouth on entering the | Amaril was of an age to be married. | Palace, was a well-set-up young fellow, | Many Princes had sought her hand, but | such as might please even a Princess. | There was silence for a little while| ' |in the Royal Library, until Frederick great that those who looked upon it| realised that it was his turn to speak, were blinded, as if they had gazed upon | “ Humph!” said Frederick. nad gegen pg ney ert “There! said the King in great +4 ) woul 8 likely| good humour. ‘“ Now, my dear, let me | to exaggerate. Wherefore Hi-You was | tell you what that means. That means | filled with a great apprehension as he|that His Ro ' we must remember that appear | indicated a strong character, his power Highness’s conversation would escape | ances in this case are only temporary. | us. Prince Frederick of Milvania—dear |The real beauty of Prince Frederick's | [ é me, dear me. This will be news for her | character does not lie upon the surface, | A | Royal Highness.” | or anyhow—er—not at the moment.” | ma So, leaving the rest of the herd to} “No, Father,” sighed Amaril, and | look after itself, as it was quite capable | she looked at Hi-You again. | ; of doing, Frederick and Hi-You went! 4 | in vain, for she was as proud as she was beautiful. Indeed, her beauty was so

yal Highness is delighte walked to the Palace, and Frederick. to | to meet so beautiful and Sotinamtaes re whom the matter had been explained,|a Princess,” He turned to Hi-You.| was, it may be presumed, equally stirred | « Isn't that right, my man?” ; oT ee Oe Within, although outwardly impassive. correct, “ Perfect ’ correct. Y . ajeaty *’ ; H j wmukeoen | ~n ec ly correct, Your Majesty. | of listening placidly to even the most wo at Be Fort yt ae ou see, my dear,” said the King] tedious of local dignitaries, all these bog as quite all|complacently, “one soon picks it up.| were virtues of which previous royal right, for that in any event she could | Now in a little while—” visitors had given no Bas eaten ace en Te . i sola

——

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, most these royal 20Vver ——_—<—<—<——e

Punch Summer Number—1920.

on dak amie ons Pr rince F red leigh eo 1 make a very pretty speech. True, this | was read for him, owing to a slight affection of the throat ee ee Chancellor pointed out, His Roy: bs Hig ness was temporarily suffering, but it would be couched in the most t pel rfec taste and seasoned at suitable functions such, for instance, as the opening of the| first Public Baths) with restrained erway Nor was there any | doubt th: if t he words were indeed the Prince’s own, as dictated to Hi-You} and by him put on paper for the Chan- | cellor. For Hi-You hims« i never left | the Palace. ‘My dear,” said the King to hi daughter one day, “have you ever | thought of marriage?” * Often, Father,” said Amaril. “T understand from the Chancellor that the people are expecting an an- | nouncement on the subject shortly.’ } i ‘We haven't got anything to an-|restore Frederick’to his ow: princely | yunce, have we? “It’s a pity that you were so hasty th your other suitors,” said the King oughtfully, “There is hardly a Prince | left who is in any way eligibl e. os “Except Prince Amaril gently The King looked at her |

Frederick,” said | suspic iously and then looked away again, pulling at his beard. “Of course,” went on Amaril, ‘“] don’t know what your loving subjects | would say about it.” | ‘‘ My loving subjects,” said t} grimly, “have been properly bre up. They believe — they ‘woe wl ithority ior believing— that they are sulfering from a disability of the eye- | sight laid upon them ive a wicked en- | see Princes chanter, under which they

as—er—pigs. That, if you remember, i vas this fellow Hi-You’s suggestion. | And a very sensible one.’ “But do you want »» Frederick as a son-in-law % “Well, that’s the question. In his | ‘until a pleasantly | his spell from the eyes of the people? ! top of her he { 7 \form., And | Princess i him at his work. | Hi-You came to the King with | sti re him to his earlier shape, and the | ; morrow. | your debt; lmony to speak to the Lord Treasurer lalone with |form in which I have known him so

| present shape he is perhaps not quite— | the water of the Public not quite—well, how shall I put it?” “ Not quite,” suggested Amaril. | “Exactly. At the same time I think Jaths, and all those bathing therein will be healed.’ “A striking notion,” said the King. “Indeed it was just about to occur to | that there could be no harm in the an-| me. I will proclaim to-morrow a public nouncement of a betrothal. The mar- holiday, and give orders that it be cele- | riage, of course, would not be announced | brated in the baths. T!

| ren in the even- ling, when they are all clean—I should Intil the enchanter had removed | ay ‘cured’—-we will present their Prince to them.” So it happened even as Hi-You had said, and in the evening the Prince, a “T am His Majesty’s subject,” said |model now Amaril dutifully. “That ’s a good girl.” a “Quite so. You have no objection to that, my dear ?”’ of manly beauty, was pre- sented to them, and they acclaimed him He patted the} with cheers. And all noticed how lov- ad and dismissed her. So the betrothal of His Royal High- ness Frederick of Milvania tothe Prin- | cess Amaril was announced, to the great | joy of the people. And in the depths | |

of the Palace Hi-You the swineherd| was hard at work compounding a potion | ich, he assured the King, would | wh Wii sometimes the Amaril would help IV, A month went by, and then news. He had compounded | the magic po tion. A few drops sprinkled | ingly the Princess regarded him and | discriminately on Frederick would re-| how he smiled upon her, But the King gazed upon the Prince as one fascinated. Seven times he cleared his throat and seven times he failed to speak, And the eighth time he said, ‘‘ Your face is strangely familiar to me.”’ ‘“Perchance we met in Milvania,’ said the Prince pleasantly. Now the King had never been in begged Hi- You.| Milvania. Wherefore he still gazed ‘All I ask is to be allowed to depart|at the Prince and at length he said, in peace. Let me have a few hours | “ What has happened to that Hi-You His Royal Highness in the} fellow ?” wedding could then be announced. ‘Well, my man,” said His Majesty, genially, ‘ this is indeed pleasant hear- ing. We will sprinkle Frederick to- Really, 1 am very much in remind me alter the cere- about the matter.” ‘Say no more,” “ You will never hear of him again,’ | said the Prince pleasantly. “Oh!” said the King. that they feast And some say that they feasted upon roast pig, but I say aon And some 1e of you, | say that Hi-You he id planned it all from I see your point. | the begir nning, but I say not. And some Yes, it is better that you should go.|s say that it was the Princess Amaril who But, befor fe you go there j is just one | pl: anned it, from the day when first she thing, yunder the im-|saw Hi-You i, and with them I agree. « long,andthen, when — is himself again, let me go. For it is not meet that I should remain “tes as a perpetual re- minder to His Royal Hight ness of what | he would fain forget.’ " Well, that ’s very handso1 ‘very handsom e indeed. And after ed. The people are pression that— er— an} For indeed | am very sure x hat whe n enchanter has—er—well, | Hi-You was a swineherd upon the hills you remember what you| he believed truly that the little black yourself suggested.” |pig with the curly tail was a Prince. “T have thought of | And, though events in the end were too that,’ said Hi-You, who] much for him, I like to think that Hi- seemed to have thought of everything.| You remained loyal to his friend, and And I venture to propose that Your) that in his plush-lined sty in a quiet Majesty should announce that a great| | part of the Palace grounds Frederick alchemist has been compounding a| p assed a gentle old age, chéered from potion to relieve their blindness. A few | ti me to tir drops of this will be introduced into | children. ' ne by the visits of Amaril’s A. A. M.

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FES ARE EOE a LS RRO SFE EEC” la entntlasaana ses j } i _ Punch A on, p,! Uncle. * Betty. “Or COURSE. Summer Number—1920. _ SO YOU BELIEVE IN DREAMS COMING TRUE, DO you, Betty?” Why, Last nNiGHt I preamt I'p BEEN PADDLING—AND I Hap.” RIGHT IN BRIGHTON, MY LAD

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Punch Summer N umber— 1920.

A CHAMPIONSHIP MEETING.

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HOLE.

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mer Number—1920. THE PICTURES.” A STUDY IN EMOTIONAL RECEPTIVITY. Punch Summer

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Punch Summer Number—1920. wai t Mal! 4 | A Hii > wy K tt i if yw \\ \ H \ i} ‘ 4 ' i hdl y hil PTT ay are ea My it H Hail libs ty (SLE BH Tn yi y Hi atta | A) 4) Maile itt if aay “THE PICTURES.” A STUDY IN EMOTIONAL RECEPTIVITY. bit lit . q 1H! ur A |

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| | ¢g E | || (x) || 2 : | NN) - a 4 oe i Z - ; lil : “ee |e) 2 B | (aie : Bll ; \5\| a @Zi = | i} @ | Ge i} ; c ga : | €il z | | gil o | | | | (O| & i & 3 1s} a . : ¢ || Z 7 1] || &

z v= tea ssiabiaaaasmeaeg Oe OY GS ae ee aa CRB ton SURAT ERS. Seb cas inet tio ne

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Number—1920. NMAC y ii LINES. Punch Summer SHAKSPEARE ON TRADE UNION a Act Ho! \ et ~ o> HEAR HIM a crow on without fully carried Management succes n the gr e for recognitio nbs, Romans, COUNTRYMEN “Frou Antony. i | " ‘ ; ere ee eee 4 wee CORIOLANUS REFUSES TO MODIFY HIS CONTEMPTUOUS ATTITUDE DEPUTATION OF STAGE-HANDS THREATEN TO DOWN TOOLS IF TOWARDS THE PLEBEIANS.

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ee ee ip es IHE OF! OUR VILLAGE PITCH. OR SMITH, WHO COMES FROM OUTSID! HE LEG STUMP © _Punch Summer Number—1920.

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Juny 7, 1920.) - (A deo LE A ft } WA \ \ tt pent pee Hy 4 An me TIMON. Anovut a month ago we lost our dog. ~ | a) Pr I can’t describe him, although I have tried from time to time; i, but Elaine, my | to pass unscathed. On the other hand, _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ! leditors and imissing-heir merchants, invitations to tea and tennis or dinner and dominoes, requests for autographs Timon nods and allows the postman } wife, said I should not speak in that} if the collection includes rejected manu- fashion of a dumb animal. He stands | scripts, income or other tax demand about two hands high, is of a reseda- notes, tracts or circulars, then I hear the green shade, except when in anger, and|low growl with which Timon custom- has no distinguishing marks except the| arily goes into action, and the next | postmen. He studies them closely. In absence of a piece of the right ear, | which was carried off by a marauding lrish terrier. Ile answers with a growl to many names, including that of Timon. He will also answer to a piece of raw meat, another dog or a postman. I do not know if dogs can be said to have a hobby; if so, Timon’s hobby is fact | should not be surprised if he comes to write a monograph on them some day. As soon as one of them has daringly passed the entrance gates of Bellevue, Timon trots forth like a reception committee to meet him. He studies the bunch of communications that the visitor bears in his hand. If they are moment the postman is making for the neighbouring county and taking a four- foot gate in his stride. Consequently it is to be anticipated that if the Olympic Games are ever held in our neighbourhood the sprint and the hurdles will be simply at the mercy o! our local post-office. They take no credit forit. It is simply prac- tice, they say. But, to return to the main subject, we have lost Timon. One month has passed without his cheery presence at Bellevue. Reckless postmen have made themselves free of the front garden and all colour has gone out of life. We have done everything to win him hack, We have inserted numerous ad- all right—cheques from publishers, vertisements in the agony columns of the newspapers: “If this should catch the eye of Timon,” or Timon. All will be forgiven;”’ but ap parently we have yet to find his favourite newspaper. We began with the well-known can- ine papers, trusting vainly that he might happen to glance through them some day when he was a bit bored on hadn’t an engagement. went through Zhe 7':mes, The Morning Post (he's strongly anti- Bolshevik), The Daily News (his views on vivisection are notorious) and other dailies, and then took to the weeklies. We had strong hopes for a time that The Meat Trade Review would find him Timon is fond of raw meat. But failure again resulted. We have now reached Syren and Shipping and The Lron Monge rs’ Gazette and——~— After that we * ’ I must stop here to inform you of the glad news. Elaine has just hurried in to tell me that Timon has replied and will be back to-morrow. How did we catch his eye? Well, of course we should have thought of it before. It was J'he Post Office Gazette. “Come back, | _J

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2 PUNCH, THE ROMANCE OF BOCKMAKINC. A VisiT TO PRYCE Messrs +} iqment i ti } quarter | \ ( commissionaire i q wide tf s ior us and, passing , ere 5 we are conironted | I nifcent eques in statue « k 3 1 Py ( the tounder ol the! i , Tr} usterpiec of the Post-( _ 1] . : » ginally ¢ Le N J , r 7 \\ . } » £2 r but iq Weer er ia lu a rite = weenie al ie t or € pP ' | ffer ot one thous bs . ‘ a rut g p, waived ] i e to ‘ Ee 0 t we see e | a A par € H e watch i & I ; ee ter e I Li Cc ( - I S teles ms A q *s &. i r Irs¢ $f } z tions Pryce ur-flung | i ip S g : y | s e it » Cn I : Hit ut | L, Chie ( { } : t ou! ! 5 in : fre the il forests of t ! of the future I 1] . iQ r Ibu Handicay I a ed cle I ’ S Viet B to the « e-s \\ My > VVe 4 | pt rble uirea ; lea e H D i —? Q ~oer , He i my ( ( ete ‘ ene ( L ¥ } . ; ni ‘ | the p stra i ~ 1 Ss spat i | | Le | \ W he l we ne \ : Le rié } i | kr t \ } (aa n ( | se t. Here 1 i » a ' c ( Or | { { biie i r ‘ t | W P j | ve pos ( H e ( H t ( Cel } ul pra , | | \ r i! ‘ t ul } of } } xf > \i i> ] ( ! | ot ¢ SO4 I ri al ( ft pre ali a i \ tthe Ba ga | f \ ex SS 11it Uashes usd , ; in aie Cc ind be ly IU'NLTD OR CHARIVARI. (Jury 7, 1920, | ei ntnains thateven the New Poor| !MPORTANT NEW BOOKS can scares bear to gras} PUBLISHED BY THE MARYLANDCOMPANY Here, { exal ple, is one ndred-t MQUINTING Hot E SQUARE, eight otlered gainst P I i hi aa | ur) bin Nove the Gimera stakes Phis we By Rizzio Darniey. inimais ne —— “geet 8S pt orm REINCA V4A4 - oO} HI inces are careiully abulated ¢ a card ie “ap t e side, and remember ng the form ' he s ed at Gatwick, one wonders, as With eightes liustrations ¢ I t man in the street would say, how | PUP paramount artcratt vellur ( simply standing in a Held ol 1 , i Beat ] f ir at Kempton Park, and ca ry ing elgnt-stone-seven. Here he h , ‘ I ’ , Ai rea fi l ( } paltry four-] nd penalty for the Wor-|* . . ter Wie ‘ 3 ndicap vet one can ia \ he} () { I i , ive S e about him By Harry Earonp H t i ( f Prvee can offer ‘J a mystery to the old iQ ¢ ed boo! LKE Ost It the U i not ] noun¢ I ] De | 1b courtes roar \ ‘ + three ilings pel r . c he way of s sting The é Cents ne | HE PE} ( MVAJES } ? + é ! LS ' \ mt gain Bas ' ’ J H. SrickHaAM WEED. ur rough t nit . g uning . ' Se In Marnuany-DrELeEy clot! ler tine , ne , : e nd the the expe tants, | * : IS po! sa ehnic la ‘ t | Ido being ce portuned to! be A nat } i I gy ] re i F } | l t l aite ( ' f £ e |} t M hi | ‘ | ot + " I { ’ j ‘ j 0a ( il 4 A Pa id q . ( By X. ‘ 1 f : 1 | f 1 ti i } } 7 ] ] ( ‘ | OU S ( fe] | ] \ medium of tructionandenlighte D : me r ilterary ve fentlie read¢ persotr \ s to thi LD ny ur Ul es at ni LuVE Y SATURDAY, \\ rT ’ T ' r \ \ n T ] t ug! i/ t | of . 1) } Dt. PETER a ed toin! The concluding ment NM Queen of He rnal of her p t —™ kingland Lp} rs in the currer y Ri | ap ( Cir / und ; : ae & 1] Ca} n ¢ oq g tiouse Squa he ] ‘ ( ( ray 3 Ref ence has a y nee } erout I ic In & preceding instaiment to the element should be entirely | riots at the Fitz Hotel and the flight « re I ud 16 not be ell to calli the Queen to Wimbledon in a tax I , “ The Cx st nad en] y 77 . Low DP} >} | rl CK-and-henle iriven by Sir Ph lip Phibl 3, alterwards t Lord Fountain of Penn.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 7, 1920. \ | 1] 1 | | | 1 | 1} | | | 1] i} i 1] || | | | | | | 1] | | | | L'ENFANT TERRIBLE. Youne Turs. “I WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR OUR NATIONAL HONOUR.” Outp Turk. “WELL, IF YOU MUST. BUT I WASH MY HANDS OF THE WHOLE | BUSINESS—UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU WIN.”

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1, OR THE LONDON Jury 7, 1920. CHARIVARI 4 q ,) ‘ i Golfer. “ Wuat’s THE MATTER, SANDY? AREN'T YOU GOING TO PLAY THIS AFTERNOON?” Sandy. “MAN, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD? I'VE LOsT MA BALL.” — on ~ — : ez eS Ko : at ze | effective at times. ‘“ Wot I mean by|cheap. It’s a lovely Rose du Barri ELIZABETH COES TO THE SALES. | sales is buyin’ clothes,” she continued ; | tricot and costs only———”’ ‘** ARE you goin’ to the Summer Sales | “ bargins, you know.” ‘“’ Qo’s rose doo barry trick-o when H this year, 'm?”’ inquired Elizabeth, sud-| ‘“ Yes, I know,” I answered; “I 've|’e’s at ome?” inquired Elizabeth. denly projecting herself on the horizon | seen them—in the advertisements. But | I translated hurriedly. ‘I mean it of my thoughts. I laid down my pen at once. t not possible to continue writing | Elizabeth desires to make conversation | at the same time. | ‘Certainly I shall, if I hear of a sale | of cheap crockery,” I replied pointedly “ ours badly needs replenishing.” i The barbed arrow did not find its mark. It may require a surgical opera- : | tion to get a joke into a Scotsman, but | ; i | only the medium of some high explosive | could properly convey a hint to Eliza- beth. “Oo wants to go to sales to buy things like pots?” asked Elizabeth scornfully, “ People who are always getting their pots broken,” I replied in italics. “ Well, everyone to their tastes,” she commented casually. I began to won- | der if even trinitrotoluol could be in- It is | if | | I never secure any.” |a pink knitted one. Exactly what I “Why don’t you, then?” |want. But what is the use of my even “ Because of all the other people, | hoping to secure it?” Elizabeth. | “Sharper elbows is wot you mean,” |afore the doors open, an’ when they | | a , nan } ; i J | “It’s chiefly a|do I don’t ‘arf know ‘ow to fight my | Let me go, m’m. | put in Elizabeth. ’ , act ! l wad . matter of ‘oo pushes ’ardest. My! I} way to the counters. love a sale if only for the sake o’ the| I'd reelly like the outin’.”’ scrimmage. A friend o’ mine ‘oo’s| | been separated from ‘er ‘usband becos | What could be simpler than sending an Those who getthebargains} “I'll get it for you,’ announced | |seem to have a more dominant nature | Elizabeth. than mine. They have more grit,| “You! But how?” ; | determination——”’ | “T’ll go an’ wait an hour or two I hesitated, but only for a moment. | |they was always fightin’ told me she|emissary to use her elbows on my | never misses goin’ to a sale so that | behalf? There was nothing unfair in |she ‘ll be in practice in case ‘er and 'er|doing that, especially if I undertook }old man make it up again.” | the washing-up in her absence. | “I'm not surprised that I never get Elizabeth set out very early on the | any bargains,” I commented, “although | day of the sale looking enthusiastic. |l often long to. Look at the advertise- pe equally enthusiastic, applied myself |ment in this newspaper, for instance. | to the menial tasks usually performed ‘Here's a silk jumper which is absurdly! by Elizabeth. We had just finished a

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| this the jumper, then ?’ | tricky jumper you wanted! | "ave it,” Juty 7, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI VARL | 5 lunch of tinned soup, tinned fish and tinned fruit (oh, what a blessing is a can-opener in the absence of domestics!) when she reappeared. My heart leapt at the sight of a parcel in her hand. “You got it after all!’’ I exclaimed. O thrice blessed Elizabeth! O most excellent domestic! For the battles she had fought that day on my behalf she should not go unrewarded., “T’m longing to try it on,” I said as | I tore at the outer wrappings. “ Well, I orter say it isn’t the one you told me to get,’’ interposed Eliza- beth. [ paused in unwrapping the parcel, assailed by sudden misgivings. ‘ Isn’t ‘Not that pertickler one. You see, it was like this: there was a great ‘orse of a woman just in front o’ me an’ I couldn’t move ahead of ‘er no’ow, try as I would. It was a case o’ bulk, if you know what I mean, an’ elbows wasn't no good. An’ ‘ang me if she wasn't goin’ in for that there very I put up a good fight for it, ’m, I did indeed, | We both reached it at the same time, sot ‘old of it together, an’—an’— when it gave way at the seams I let ’er said Klizabeth, concluding her simple narrative. It sounded convince- ing enough. 1| had no reason to doubt it at the moment. ‘The beast!” I said in the bitterness of my heart. “Is it possible a woman could so far forget herself as to behave like that, Elizabeth ?” ‘But there's no need for you to be disappointed, as I got a jumper for you arter all,” she continued. She took the final wrappings off the parcel and drew outa garment. ‘ There!” she remarked proudly, holding it aloft. The Old Masters, we are told, dis- covered the secret of colour, but the colour of that jumper should have been kept a secret—it never ought to have been allowed to leak out. It was one of those flaming pinks that cannot be regarded by the naked eye for any length of time, owing to the strain it puts on the delicate optic nerve. Bands of purple finished off this Bolshevist creation. ‘‘ How dare you ask me to wear that ?” I broke out when I had partially re- covered from the shock. “Why, wot’s wrong with it? You said you wanted a pink tricky one. It’s pink, isn’t it?” “Yes, it 7s pink,” I admitted faintly. “ An’ it’s far trickier nor wot the other was.” ‘You had better keep the jumper for yourself,” I said crossly. “* Nodoubt | It willsuit you better than it would me.” She seemed gratified, but not un- = —1f HK mh ib erp eae S ogg S77 wun ei Ny | NARADA HARARE HERA TT Propi ek YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF CAP ¥‘ New “ Blood.” *““WELL, YE SER, IT’S LIK I THOUGHT AS ‘OW I'D LIKE A CAP WI’ A 1] usually taken aback at my generosity. “Well, since you ses it yourself, 'm, p'raps it is more my style. Your com- plexion won’t stand as much as mine.” I was pondering on whether thie was intended as a compliment or an insult when she spoke again. ‘*T shan’t ‘arf cut a dash,” she mur- mured as she drifted to the door; “ an’ it might be the means o’ bringin’ it off this time.” “ Bringing what off, Elizabeth ? « Bringin’ my new young man to the point,’m. You see, ’e do love a bit o’ colour; an’ I knew 'e wouldn't 'ave liked the rose doo barry trick-o, anyhow.” ” “ Wanted, a General, plain cooking, gas fires, two boys 9 by 5.—South Streatham.” r (tothe rescue of his assistants, w/ ‘BE THIS—l’VE PRET TT 4 w have failed to satisfy customer). “ ARE )U DO WANT?” BOUGHT A MOTOR-BIKE, AND >KAK AT THE BACK,” A Remarkable Coincidence. “To-day is the birthday of Lord Durham and his twin brother, the Hon. F. W. Lamb- ton, both of whom are sixty-five.” Provincial Paper. “Prince Arthur is well fitted for the high post to which he has been called. He is the tallest member of the Royal Family.” Daily Paper. But itis only fair to his Royal Highness to say that he has other qualifications as well. From the recent debate on “‘ Doctors and Secrecy ” :— ‘If you begin to open the door you take away the sheet anchor upon which our pro- fessional work is based.”—-Daily Paper. We trust that the speaker mixes his Local Paper. Nothing is saidoftheir third dimensions. | metaphors, medicines more discreetly than his | | | | |

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| vited to a dance | vested a lot of money in dancing. That | is to say, they keep on paying dancing- | their business, keep on inventing new | of view, but it means that, in order to | nights a week as is physically possible ; | As soon as you had started a nice con- | versation with a lady a sort of roaring | was heard without; her eyes gleamed, | other end of the table who was probably | “ the only man in London who can do | made connected conversation quite difli cult. For my own part I went on eat ing, and when I had properly digested | q | roar overflowed, | the hot weather. | victims getting their money's worth. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C HARIVARL [JuLy 7, 1920, ON WITH THE DANCE, I nave been to a dance; or rather I have been to a fashionable restaurant where dancing is done. I was not in- there are very good reasons for that; I was invited to dinner. But many of my fellow-guests have in- instructors to teach them new tricks; and the dancing-instructors, who know tricks. As soon as they have taught | everybody a new step they say it is un- fashionable and invent a new one. This is all very well from their point keep up with them and get your money's worth out of the last trick you learned, it is necessary during its brief life of respectability to dance at every avail- able opportunity. You dance as many you dance on week-days and you dance on Sundays; you begin dancing in the afternoon and you dance during tea in the coffee-rooms of expensive restau- rants, whirling your precarious way through littered and abandoned tca- tables; and at dinner-time you leap up madly before the fish and dance like variety artistes in a highly-polished arena before a crowd of complete strangers eating their food; or, as if| thing for more than a few seconds, so|The most placid and dignified among | seized with an uncontrollable craving | for the dance, you fling out after the room, from which you return, perspiring | and dyspeptic, to the consumption of | an ice-pudding, before dashing forth to | | the final orgy at a picture-gallery, where _ the walls are appropriately covered with pictures of barbaric women dressed for That is what happened at this dinner. her nostrils quivered like a horse plan- ning a gallop, and in the middle of one of your best sentences she simply faded away with some horrible man at the the Double Straddle properly.” This | went on the whole of the meal, and it | I went out and looked at the little From the door of the room where the dancing was done a confused up- as if several men of powerful physique were banging a| number of pokers against a number of | saucepans, and blowing whistles, and | occasional catcalls, and now and then | beating a drum and several sets of huge cymbals, and ceaselessly twanging at innumerable banjoes, and at the same time singing in a foreign language, and shouting curses or exhortations or street cries, or imitating hunting-calls and the cry of the hyena, or uniting suddenly in the war-whoop of some pitiless Sudan tribe. It was a really terrible noise. It hit you like the back-blast of an explosion as you entered the room. There was no distinguishable tune. It was simply an enormous noise. But there was a kind of savage rhythm about it which made one think immediately of Indians and fierce men and the native camps one used to visit at the Earl’s Court Exhibition. And this was not sur- prising. For the musicians included one genuine negro and three men with their faces blacked ; and the noise and the rhythm were the authentic music of a negro village in South America, and the words which some genius had once set to the noise were an exhor- tation to go to the place where the negroes dwelt. protect their darlings from the precipi- tate seas. Some of them kept themselves as upright as possible, swaying slightly like willows from the hips, and some of them contorted themselves into strange and angular shapes, now leaning peril- ously forward till they were practically lying upon their terrified partners, and now bending sideways as a man bends who has water in one ear after bathing. All of them clutched each other in a close and intimate manner, but some, as if by separation to intensify the joy of their union, or perhaps to secure greater freedom for some particular], spacious mancuvre, would part sud- denly in the middle of the room and, clinging distantly with their hands, exe- cute a number of complicated side-steps in opposite directions, or aim a series which they would reunite in a passion- ate embrace and gallop in a frenzy lround the room, or fall into a trance or simply fall down. ithey lay still for a moment in the fear- | ful expectation of death, as men lie who To judge by their movements, many | fall under a horse; and then they would of the dancers had in fact been there, }ereep on hands and knees to the wall of vicious kicks at each other, after | If they fell down | and had carefully studied the best in-|through the whirling and indifferent | |some quite extraordinary things. | extraordinary postures. | joint for one wild gallop in an outer | | sometimes digenous models. They were doing No | two couples were doing quite the same| what any one couple would do next that there was an endless variety of Some of them shuffled secretly along the edge of the room, their faces tense, their shoulders swaying like reeds in a light wind, their progress almost imperceptible ; they did not rotate, they did not speak, but the tremor of a skirt or the slight stirring of a patent-leather shoe showed that they were indeed alive and in motion, though that motion was as the motion of a glacier, not to be mea- sured in minutes or yards. And some in a kind of fever rushed hither and thither among the thick crowd, avoiding disaster with mar- vellous dexterity; and sometimes they revolved slowly and sometimes quickly and Sometimes spun giddily round for a moment like gyroscopic tops. Then they too would be seized with a kind of trance, or it may be with sheer shortness of breath, and hung motion- | less for a little in the centre of the room, while the mad throng jostled and flowed about them like the leaves in Autumn round a dead bird. And some did not revolve at all, but charged straightly up and down; and| some of these thrust their loves for ever before them, as the Prussians thrust the villagers in the face of the enemy, and some for ever navigated themselves backwards like moving breakwaters to | ’ ic | rowd, Watching them, you could not tell Le out behind them and almost kneel in mutual adoration, and then, as if nothing unusual had happened, shuffle onward through the press; or,as though some electric mechanism had been set in motion, they would suddenly lift a foot sideways and stand on one leg. Poised pathetically, as if waiting for the happy signal when they might put the other leg down, these men looked very sad, and I wished that the Medusa's head might be smuggled somehow into |the room for their attitudes to be im- |perishably recorded in cold stone; it would have been a valuable addition to modern sculpture. the greatest misgiving and a strange young woman clinging to my person. The noise was deafening. The four black men were now all shouting at uproar of the finale; and all the dancers began to dance with a last desperate fury. in apology or anger more bodies buffeted one from the flank. It was like swim- ming in a choppy sea, where there is no mouth before the next one hits you. Close beside us a couple fell down Upon this whirlpool I embarked with | once and playing all their instruments | at once, working up to the inconceivable | Bodies buffeted one from behind, | and while one was yet looking round | time to get the last wave out of your | them might at any moment fling a leg |

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Juty 7, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Farmer (booming his land to inquiring stranger). “THAT THERE LAND BE WORTH DREE HUNDRED POUND AN ACRE IF IT BE WORTH A PENNY, WERE YOU THINKING 0’ Strange r. “OH, NO. It BE. with a great crash. I looked at them with concern, but no one else took any notice. On with the dance! Faster and faster the black men played. I was dimly aware now that they were stand- ing on their chairs, bellowing, and fancied the end must be near. Then we were washed into a quiet backwater, ina corner, and from here I determined never to issue till the Last Banjo should indeed sound. Here I sidled vaguely about for a long time, hoping that I | looked like a man preparing for some vast culminating feat, a side-step or a buzz or a double-Jazz-spin or an | ordinary fall down. The noise suddenly ceased; the four | black men had exploded. “Very good exercise,” said. * Quite,” said I. my partner A..F, 3. “We published yesterday a protest from an | eminent correspondent against the appoint- | ment of a British Ambassador to Berlin. ; We understand, nevertheless, that Lorp | D’ABERNON has been selected for the appoint- ment.”—Times, Sir WitL1AM Orpen is already at work, | we understand, on a picture for next year's Academy, entitled “ David defy- ing the Thunderer.” l’M THE NEW YTAX-COLLECTOR.” BUYING AN’ BETTLING HERE?” VANISHED GLORY. (The Life-tragedy of a Miliary Wag.) Time was I rocked the crowded tents With laughter loud and hearty, Librettist to the regiment's Diverting concert party ; With choice of themes so very small The task was far from tiring ; 5D ’ There really was no risk at all Of any joke misfiring. I found each gibe at army rules Appreciated fully ; I sparkled when describing mules As “embryonic bully,” Or, aided by some hackneyed tune, Increased my easy laurels By stringing verses to impugn The quartermaster’s morals. And so I yowed on my demob. To shun the retrogression To any sort of office job ; I'd jest as a profession And burst upon the world a new Satirical rebuker, Acquiring fame and maybe too A modicum of lucre. But vain are all my jeux de mol, No lip is loosed in laughter ; I send them to the Press, but no Acceptance follows after ; And if, as formerly, I try Satiric themes my gibe’ll 3e certain to be hampered by The common law of libel. In short, my hopes begin to fade; The yawning gulf has rent them Twixt finding subjects ready made And baving to invent them. Shattered my foolish dreams recede And pass into the distance, And I must search for one in need Of clerical assistance. “Sotprer Breaks Winpow anp Bours with Two CAKEs.” Daily Paper. | You can only do this kind of thing with | the refreshment-room variety. | “For Sceptie Throats use lodized Throat Tablets.”— Local Pajx r. This distressing complaint is the very reverse of “ clergyman’s sore throat.” “ Lapy wishes to Exchange, from 15th July | to 15th September, Young Englishman for | Young Frenchman.”— Daily Paper. We fear she is a flirt.

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ee eee panes Pee THE KING’S MESSENGER. | In Paris Geraldine’s mother sug- | gested that, as I was paying a visit to London, I could bring Geraldine out | . . | | with me on the return journey. She | also suggested that I might bring out associated with George Nesbitt. She | a new hat for her (Geraldine’s mother) | at the same time. Though being in| love neither with Geraldine’s mother | nor with Geraldine’s mother’s hat 1| had to take kindly to both, to further my | dark designs with regard to Geraldine. In London | inspected the hat, com- plete in box. It was immediately ob- vious that it and [ could never make the journey to Paris together. Thesight of me carrying a hat-box at the early | hour of 8 a.m. on Victoria Station would | have put Geraldine off. Geraldine is} very pretty, but she is like that. On reflection, the transport of the} hat from London to Paris seemed to me to be a matter eminently suited to} the machinery of our Foreign Office. | | Though the Foreign Officer is as formid- | able as a Bishop in his own cathedral, | he is, to those who persist in knowing him personally, a man much like one- self, fond of his glass of beer, ready to | exchange one good turn for another. It happens that I have assisted the F.O. to make peace much as I hs helped the W.O. to make war. sacred precincts | reminded my friend of this fact, and impressed upon him that the consolidation of the entente between Geraldine and myself was one of the most urgent political matters of the day. He was undiplomatic enough to ask how he could help I don’t want you to lose your awe of Diplomatic Bags, but there have been occasions when the Secret and Confi- | dential Despatch consists of little more than a personal note from one stron silent man to another, touching on suc! a relative's ri in| domestic subjects as, say, hat. It was eventually, if arduously, arranged that in this in | despatch should consist of itself... My fascinating manner of greeting Geraldine on Victoria Station did not betray the fact that I had seen that arch-villain, George Nesbitt, installed in our train, looking terribly import George doesn’t the hat stance the ant. want to marry any girl; | every girl therefore wants to marry | George I managed to hustle Geraldine | into our carriage and get her locked in | without her seeing George. But George | had seen her, and, not knowing that he | doesn't want to marry any girl and thinking that he wants to marry every girl, he firmly convinced himself (1 have | no doubt) that he was passionately in love with Geraldine as he travelled down to Folkestone in his lonely splendour. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON plain f | pleadin On the . but haps it is fairer to all parties to omit that part. At Boulogne I became inextricably mixed up with the Customs’ people ; Geraldine meanwhile got inevitably would, of course. Indeed, when at last I scrambled to the Paris train, with the | world! cord of my pyjamas trailing from my kit-bag, there was Geraldine installed in George's special carriage, very sympa thetically studying George's passport, wherein all Foreign Powers, great, small and medium-sized, were invited in red ink to regard George as It. George informed me that, being a King’s Messenger, he was afraid he dare not trust me, as a mere member of the public, to travel in the same car- riage as the Diplomatic Bag. must stay with them and keep an eye on Geraldine. George said that he would do that. In that case, I said, I would stay and keep an eye on the Diplomatic Bag. Geraldine being at lone end of the carriage and the bag g the other end George could very well keep an eye on both. The possibility of George's eyes wan- dering apart when he was off his guard made a fleeting impression on Ger- aldine in my favour. I stayed hen set about to make the self. Geraldine abetted. is a terror. I became n than ever to marry her, George and the Kina notwithstanding Ge ree h ywever eing at not tor vil Ge ree t + OSU I } m ot bim Geraldine 10re dagetermined got going. ‘For a knows yundedly handsome he is) “it is been some little satisfaction to be scl ellow like myself” (he how conti ‘ | ected as a Special Courier.” | explained the method of selection L gi “ He forced his way into the J and in an obsequious one, which you and I, Geraldine, would lessed oO it Au. ir of a bag to carry with him. If rather have sent his messages by post.” “The general public,” said George to Geraldine, “is apt to be very noisy and tiresome on railway journeys, is it not ?”’ Geraldine acquiesced, often She doesn’t do that, but when she does it is : - | extremely pleasant for the acqulescee. | pressed on with my explanation des- perately. “I can hear poor old George g in a broken voice that be had to get to Paris and dared not go by himself, So they listened to his sad | story and gave him a bag to see him |through, and it isn’t George who is taking the bag to Paris, but the bag which is taking George.” To prevent } him arguing I told Geraldine that you HARIVARL. I said 1| | But the F.O. have always wanted to (Juny 7, 1920. yer- | Greyhound badge, which he'll show | you if you doubt him, just as you can | ‘ell a stockbroker by his pearl tie-pin, which you can see for yourself. This | put George on his mettle. “To think that to me are entrusted |messages which may alter the map of | Europe and change the history of the But I mustn't let my conceit run away with me, must I?” Posi- ‘tively I believe Geraldine at that began | to play with the idea of doing what | George said he mustn't let his conceit jdo. Anyhow I had half-an-hour to |myself while she listened to the inner | histories of European Courts and flirted | with the Bearer of Despatches. I was lleft gazing at the bag. There was only one bag, but it was very bulky. The contents were a tight fit; something round, about a yaed in idiameter, about a foot and a half in depth. | |} “Are you looking after this bag of | yours properly, George?” I asked. “We shall be very angry with you if |} you go and lose it.” Something inde- tinable but intensely important in my tone caught Geraldine’s attention. “That is between me and the F.O.,” said George irritably. “ When I was talking to them about ” said I, “What have you to do with Foreign Office?” asked Geraldine. “ Little enough,” I said modestly. have my own business to see to it the am | have something to do with me. So I gave them the job of looking after your mother’s hat. or George who happened to drop in and offer to take the bag——” George snatched the bag, examined it hastily and then tried to conceal it | behind his own luggage. But Geraldine | be ashamed to adopt, begged for the | knows enough about hats to be able to | favo | spot a hatbox, when put to it, through | the King had known about it he would | all the heavy canvas and all the fancy labels in the world. So there was | there was little more to be done about }it except for George to go on doing special messenger with it. histories died down and, after a brief silence, George affected to go to sleep. I only woke him up once and that was to ask whether he cared to look after the rest of my luggage for me. When we got to Paris | explained to George that I had not meant to hurt his feelings; there was no fellow I | would more gladly entrust my odd jobs | to. Indeed Geraldine and I should want him to officiate in a similar capacity at the coming ceremony. A very satisfactory conclusion. I |nothing more to be said about it; and | | Had I known that they | | would send it along by any Tom, Dick | | The inner | {can tell a real K.M. by his Silver! got Geraldine: Geraldine got her full | — —_ — -~ _ ——-- aad Le

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| obey the word of the Lord, and the Lord's | punishment to him was to forbid him to go PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Small Boy. “Wo’'s THAT FAT MAN --- a shaw MOL Mt) fortune to sit on the bag in the taxi, what matter? Geraldine had acquiesced ; after that who cared what Geraldine’s mother did, said, thought or wore? “Lady Clerk wanted for office work, with an engineering firm, a few miles out of Leeds ; also able to cook and serve a luncheon for the principals.”— Yorkshire Paper. If you want a cook nowadays you must employ a little diplomacy. ‘During a discussion on over-crowded motor buses a member declared that on one occasion 110 persons were found ‘ clinging like bees’ to w car certified to hold 0.°—Provu.c:al Paper. Some of these might have been accom- modated in the bonnet. “In Nepal His Highness shot what ‘is be- lieved to be the record tigress. She was a most magnificent specimen, with a total length of 9 feet 7 inches—her body alone measuring 9 feet 5 inches.”—Indian Paper. The record, of course, consisted in the brevity of her two-inch tail. From Smith Minor’s Scripture-paper: “Abraham was the man who was very keen to go into the land of Israel but he did not into this land. There he sat on the heights of Abraham looking down on this land,” And paint in hues enamel-bright Scenes of Cathay for your delight. Two buzzards by a stream, So still that they might seem Part of a carving wrought in bone To decorate a royal throne. Two lovers by a mill, A picture sweeter still: Will Chen-ki-Tong in this pursuit Evade Pa-pa’s avenging boot ? Lotus and mirror-lake Esthetic contact make; No interfering dragon wags His tail across their travelling bags. Blue terraces of jade; Sherbet and lemonade Regale the overloaded guests ; They loose the buttons on their chests. Birds’-nests and shark-fin soup: I join the festive group ; My simple spirit merely begs A brace of fifteenth-century eggs. Pa-pa with heavy whip And crying “ Wolfe, Wolfe!” Waits near the laden ship. | i | | | ' Dap?” Dad. “Donr’r KNoW. HE LOOKS LIKE A PROFITEER,” MUST BE ONE OF THE EXCESS PROFITEERS?’ The cloud that hides the ivory moon . ; + aw ar eineeenteines ; : j GOLDWIRE AND POPPYSEED. Is singularly opportune. : | (A Chinese Poem. ' ; I mere ; ) Clamour of gilded gongs MASE © HOW, and then And shout of wedding songs. I seize my brush (or pen) I do not fail to notice that The ophicleides are playing flat. Peacock and palanquin, Lacquered without, within. This is the jasmine-scented bride | Resting her fairy toes inside. Joss-sticks and incense swect. The perfume of her feet Creates around her paradise, I also find it rather nice. A Chinese tale, you know, Works upward from below. The sense of mine is none the worse If taken backward, verse by verse. “ Frederick , 14, was summoned for failing to display a white front light on a bicycle and pleaded guilty. Policewoman - stated the facts, and was fined 5s.”-—Local Paper. Most discouraging. “Florists by the thousand for cutting. They are also nice for borders round grass- plots, along hedges, round shrubs, etc.” Dutch Bulb Catalogue, We should not dare to treat a British florist like this.

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Re gd PRO ys PE ry RE To aS eet a BG. wi a einen hme Sree sear | derstand, : ) Visit PUNCH, Bright Beginner (as CHARIVARIA. English comedians are great, Mr. Dovanas Fairnanks is reported to have told an interviewer. He nr already accepted an invitation, we un- the Law Courts a 1d | “THE hear Mr, Justice Da. ING ask, “* Wh is Mary Pickrorp ? * A turkey with four legs has been born in Purley. This att attention from the visit of PickFORD seems to have erably. empt to divert Miss Mary failed mis “The increased wages in the cater- ing trade,” says an employer, ow borne by the public.” How he came to think out this novel plan is what mystities the man in the street. > * There is one reason, we read, why tea cannot be sold cheaper. If “The P: fiteer ”’ not the right answer, it’s quite a good g 18 uess. * , . + . . No burglar seems to visit the houses of the protiteers, Perhaps they have a delicacy about dealing with people i in the same line of | seare business. llike that, only it | has done j says a Labour speaker. | OR THE pponent 18 sé ng). “DOES THE BALL COM ‘ . . | lor the seventh suecessive time, says | 1 news litem, there are no pris ners for} rial at Stamford Quart We! bul lldog | er Sessions. can only remind the Court that per severance * > 7 ] a } } at . It is fairly evident that the Americans )| fully realised the physical impossibility of having A ican bacon and Prohibi- tion in t wh country at the same time cas, says a cable message e by a plague » ol grass- LONDON CHARIV ARI is bound to tellin the end. | neglect of scientific research, | delivering haddock i jin the world. », | full-size wrist-watch. i n g hoppe Before Prohibition set in a little thing like that would never been noticed in Texas. i r 1e new rich, says a gossip, Only wear a sult once, There are others ty boy's skin should be well ter a holiday,” says a health- | ure WI Surely not, unless he | something to deserve it. tanned al vilé Cult iter. * ‘But why a Ministry of Mines?” asks a contemporary. The object, of | c eae is to put the deep- level poc ke t- hing is a much longer once. | (Juny 7, 1920. | ive been made Special arrangements h for expediting fish traffic on all rail- ways. Meanwhile it is to be regretted th: ut, owing to the nation’s persistent the self mental stage. ~ * New Jersey has a clock with a dial | thirty-eight feet across. country this would be the largest clock In America it is According to a medical writer, hearing | explosions. { | stand quite close to a man who has just | received his tailor’s bill. * > . * . Baby tortoises are being sold for tw | pence-| |Says a news item. One bricklayer de- Ke lared that he wouldn’t know what tod for exercise without his to lead about. * is still in the exper!- In any other | | ] } | | | | just a | The patient is advised to | halfpenny each in Kentish con | have | jean often be restored by a series of low | | } ' * } An extraordinary report reaches us operations of the CHaNceLLor | man machine-gun, a robin has deliber- | OF THE EXCHEQUER on a national basis. | ately built its nest in a local hedgerow. lend \from a village in Essex. It appears | that in spite of the proximity of several | | letter- boxes, a water-pump and a Ger | | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jutx 7, 1920. Wt “ = SX . My" a OS : THAT WE RNHARDI'S 7 4 BUT, TO PROVE WITH OUR BE YOU PRESENT LET ME at Spa Conference). ‘WE HAVE NO MONEY; BACK, GERMAN DELEGATE ANXIOUS TO PAY YOU ARE NEW BOOK ON THE NEXT WAR.”

Page 50

ase ie Loon stg = went a | | already accepted an invitation, we un- | “ | delivering haddock is still in the experi- derstand, to visit the Law Courts andj = Itis fairly evident that the Americans | mental stage. m | | hear Mr. Justice Daruina ask, “ Who/ fully realised the physical impossibility | * | is Mary Pickrorp ?’ | of having American bacon and Prohibi-| New Jersey has a clock with a dial | 7 i | 2) Bright Beginner (as CHARIVARIA. d . ° ; ° . ‘ | . : ’ Mr. Doveias Fairsanks is reported | can only remind the Court that bulldog | that, owing to the nation’s persistent to have told an interviewer. me |} tion in t A turkey with four legs has been | time. born in Purley. This attempt to divert attention from the visit of Miss Mary PICKFORD seems to failed erably. . hoppers. mis-| is being have “The increased wages in the cater- ing trade,” says an employer, “ will be borne by the public.” How he came Some « to think out this novel plan is what! onl mystifies the man in the street. + y weal R There is one reason, we read, why tea cannot be sold cheaper. fiteer” is not the right answer, it’s} culture quite a good guess, * a + No burglar seems to visit the houses | of the protiteers, says a Labour speaker. | asks Perhaps they have a delicacy about dealing with people in the same line business. OR THE LON DON For the seventh successive time, says He has} perseverance is bound to tell in the end.| neglect of scientific research, the self elr own country at the same | thirty-eight feet across. 1] , rte } . Western Texas says a cable message, | full-size wrist-watch. eaten bare by a plague of grass- | P | little thing like that would never have} can often be restored by a series of low been noticed in Texas. a suit | like that, only it isa much longer once. . Why “A healthy boy's skin should be well | Says a news item. oT ) ifenmmnad afta « at - we : 3 ’ } If “The Pro-| tanned after a h liday,” says a health- | clared that he wouldn’t know what to do writer. has done something to deserve it. . “But why a Ministry of Mines?’ a contemporary. The object, of | that in spite of the proximity of several | course, 1s to put the deep-level pocket- | letter-boxes, a water-pump ‘and a Ger of | searching operations of the CHANCELLOR | man machine-gun, a robin has deliber- |OF THE Excurguer on a national basis. | ately built its nest in a local hedgerow. CHARIVARL GOPET SEER rete “ “ret, nent is serving). “‘DokSs THE BALL COME TO ME NoW?” | Special arrangements have been made | a news item, there are no prisoners for|for expediting fish traflic on all rail- | “Tae English comedians are great,”’ | trial at Stan iford Quarter Sessions. We] ways. Meanwhile it is to be regrett« In any other |country this would be the largest clock * n the world. In America it is just a Before Prohibition set in a] According toa medical writer, hearing explosions. The patient is advised to stand quite close to a man who has just the new rich, says a gossip, | received his tailor’s bill. once. There are others * Baby tortoises are being sold for two- pence-halfpenny each in Kentish Town, One bricklayer de- | Surely not, unless he} for exercise without his to lead about. * . An extraordinary report reaches us from a village in Essex. It appears |

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PUNCH, OR THE

LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 7, 19209, x 4

THAT WE BUT, TO PROVE PRESENT YOU WITH OUR BERNHARDI'S

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ANXIOUS TO PAY YOU. NEW BOOK ON THE

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ao = te me |

Page 52

PETERS T OO Ee EN enn a pee ribacinte eR Bia. Wet to eas oral itiiatgeass: gM Sy eet 2

Page 53

Juty 7, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 13

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, June 28th.—Less than thirty years ago the prophets of ill foresaw ruin for the British shipping trade if the dock labourers got their “ tanner.” The “tanner ’’ has now become a florin, and‘ this afternoon the Peers passed without a dissentient voice the Second Reading of a Bill to enable Port and Harbour authorities to pay it. They were much more critical over the Increase of Rent Bill, and at the instance of Lord Minion defeated by a two to one majority the Government's proposal to deprive landlords of the power to evict strikers in order to pro- vide accommodation for men willing to | work. But the Government got a little of their own back on the clause author- ising an increase of rent on business | premises by forty per cent. Lord Sauts | puRY wanted seventy-five per cent. and haughtily refused Lord Astor's sport- | ing offer of fifty, but on a division he was beaten by-25 to 23. In the Commons Sir Freperick HALn | complained that slate and slack were still | being supplied to London consumers | under the guise and at the price of coal. What was the Government going to do about it? Mr. BripGeman replied that control having been removed the Gov- ; ernment could do nothing, and con- sumers must find their own remedy—a reply which drove Sir Freperick into such paroxysms of indignation that the SPEAKER was obliged to intervene. Mr. Kitey's gloomy vaticinations as to the disastrous effect of the Plumage Bill on British commerce met with no encourage- ment from Sir RoBert Horne. In his opin- ion, | gather, our foreign trade is quite safe, and the Bill will not knock a feather out of it. To Viscount Cur- zON's inquiry whether the Allies were going to proceed with the trial of the Ex-Kaiser the Prime MInisTER at first replied that he had “nothing to add.” On being twitted with his elettion-pledge he added a good deal. When he gave that pledge, it seems, he did not contemplate the possibility that Holland would refuse to surrender her guest,

“That's a better.”

Sir Ros and he had no intention of using force to compel her. Wint1am HonENZOLLERN, he considered, was not worth any more bloodshed. In that case the Govern-

MERE LNES zo Tone HONE RO «< /\ ACT MOURNER?” “T,” SAID THE WREN, “T, Wrepawoop Benn, I WAS CHIEF MOURNER,” “WHO WAS CHIEF ment would save a good deal of Parlia- mentary time if they were definitely to write him off with their other bad debts. Among other metliods of brightening village life the Ministry of Agriculture has lately circulated “rules for the

HALF MEASURES. ERT HORNE, PRESIDENT OF THE rummy get-up.

30anpD OF TRADE, AND Sir Eric Geppes, Minister or Transport (speaking logether). But perhaps he couldn't afford anything mutual insurance of pigs and cows.” The intellectual development of our domestic animals evidently proceeds apace. We have all heard cf the learned pig, but that the cow also should be deemed capable of conducting actuarial calculations does, I confess, surprise me. Having heard the latest feat of the Sinn Feiners in kidnapping a British General, the House evidently considered that it had better hurry up with the Government of Ireland Bill. Clauses 51 to 69 were run through in double- quick time. Only on Clause 70, pro- viding for the repeal of the Home Rule Act of 1914, did any prolonged debate arise. Captain Wepawoop Bewy pleas- antly described this as the only clause in the Bill that was not nonsense, and | therefore moved its omission. He was answered by the Prime Mrinistrr, who declared that no Irishman would now be content with the Act of 1914, and defended the present Bill on the curious ground that it gave Ireland as much self-government as Scotland had ever asked for, Sir Epwarp Carson’s plea that it was a case of “this Bill or an Irish Republic’’ was probably more convincing. Ina series of divisions the “Wee Frees” never mustered more ‘than seventeen votes. The author of | the Act of 1914, Mr. Asquir, was not | present at the obsequies. Tuesday, June 29th.—The estabiish- ment of a “National home”’ for the Jewish race in Pales- tine aroused the ap- prehensions of Lord SYDENHAM and other Peers, who feared that the Moslem inhabi- tants would be ex- ploited by the Zion- ists, and would en- deavour to re-establish Turkish rule. Lord Curzon did his best to remove these im- pressions, Authority in Palestine would be exercised by Great Britain as the Man- datory Power, and the Zionists would not be masters in their “ nat- ional home,” bat only a sort of “paying guests.” The conti- dence felt in Sir Her- BERT SAMUEL'S abso- lute impartiality as between Jews and Arabs was such that a high authority had prophesied that with- in six months the High Commissioner

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— — SL SS oe a ee ene: Boca cautioned a Sees ee SC A NTE anne —$—$—$——_——————— would be equally unpopular with both | races, In the Commons Mr. BaLpwix ex: | plained that the Inland Revenue | Authorities were taking all possible | steps to collect income-tax in Ireland | despite the obstacles placed in their| way by the local authorities. Where- | upon Sir Maurice Dockre tt, in his| richest brogue, summarised the Irish | | situation as follows: ‘‘ Is not the diffi- | culty that they do not know which | horse to back?” A Bill “to continue temporarily the office of Food Controller’ was read a first time. The House would, I think, be sorry to part with Mr. McCurpy, whose replies to Questions are often much to the point. He was asked this afternoon, for example, to give the salaries of three of his officials, and this "PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAI LIVARL [Juny 7, 1920, would involve three or four times that amount. Wednesday, June 30th.—The Lords discussed, in whispers suitable to the occasion, the Official Secrets Bill. As originally drawn it provided that any person retaining without lawful autho- rity any official document should be guilty of amisdemeanour. But, thanks to the vigilance of Lords BurnnaM and RippeE 1, this clause, under which every editor in Fleet Street might have found | himself in Holloway, was appreciably softened. Even so, the pursuit of “stunts” and “scoops”’ will be a de- cidedly hazardous occupation. The Press Lords were again on the alert when the Rents Bill came on, and objected to a clause giving the Lorp CHANCELLOR power to order proceedings | all from an office in Whitehall. By the Ministry of Mines Bill it is pro- posed to treat the mines in much the same way. Sir Eric Grppes’ scheme has yetto run the gauntlet of Parliamen. tary criticism. Sir Ronert Horne’s had its baptism of fire this afternoon, and a pretty hot fire it was. Miners like Mr. Brace cursed it because it did not go all the way to Nationalisation ; coal- owners like Sir Cuirrorp Cory, because it went too far in that direction. The voice of the mere consumer, who only wants coal cheap and plentiful, was hardly heard. The second reading was carried, but by a majority substantially less than the normal. Thursday, July 1st.—Unfortunately the House of Lords does not contain a representative of Sinn Fein and there- under the measure to be held in private.| fore had no opportunity of learning was his crisp reply: “ The Director of Vege- table Supplies serves | the Ministry without remuneration ; the post | of Deputy-Director of | Vegetable Supplies does not exist, and that of | Director of Fish Sup- | plies has lapsed.” Mr. Bonar Law shat- tered two elaborately- constructed mare's - nests when he announce ed that the appoint- ment of a British Am- | bassador to Berlin was | | made in pursuance of | an agreement arrived | at in Boulogne on the | initiative of the French Government, and that Lord D’ABERNON’s! “ THERE THAT ’S WHAT COMES 0’ ARGUING ALONG O° YOU: BRICKS OVER ME THREE "UNDKED!” the opinion of the do- | minant partyin Ireland regarding Lord Monr- EAGLE’S Dominion of Ireland Bill. ther Irish opinion, as ex- pressed by Lords Dun- RAVEN and KILLANIN, was that it would pro- bably cause the seeth- ing pot to boil over. Lord ASHBOURNE made sundry observations in Erse, one of which was understood to be that ‘Ireland could afford to wait.” The Peers generally agreed with him, and, after hearing from the Lorp Cuan- CELLOR that of all the Twp Irish proposals he had LAID FOUR name was suggested by the Forrian | Secretary. | am not betraying any confidence when I add that it will be no part of Lord D'Angernon’s new duties to establish a Liquor Control Board on the Spree. The Overseas Trade (Credits and Insurance) Bill was skilfully piloted through its Second Reading by Mr. Brivnceman. The House was much pleased to hear that only nine officials would be required to administer the | twenty-six millions involved, and that their salaries would not exceed seven thousand pounds a year—although two of them were messengers. But this temporary zeal for economy quickly evaporated when the Pre-War Pensions Bill made its appearance. Member after Member got up to urge the extension of the Bill to this or that deserving class, until Sir L. WorTuinc- | TON-Evans pointed out that, if their de- | mands were acceded to, the Bill, instead of costing some two millions a year, This time the Lorp CHANCELLOR was less pliant, and plainly suggested that the newspapers were actuated in this matter by regard for their circulations. Does he really suppose that the disputes of landlords and tenants will supply such popular “ copy” as to crowd out the confessions of Cabinet Ministers ? Constant cross-examination on the Amritsar affair, involving the necessity of framing polite replies to thinly-veiled suggestions that Monracu rhymes with O'Dwyer, is making the Secretary or STATE FOR Inp1A a little restive. The tone in which he expressed his hope that the promised debate would not be much longer delayed distinctly sug- gested that his critics would then be “ for it,” Two days ago the MunIsTER oF TRaNsPoRT expounded in a White Paper his elaborate plan for redistribut- ing and co-ordinating the activities of the railway companies—the North | Eastern excepted—and directing them | list. studied this contained the most elements of danger, threw out the Bill without a division. “A sinecure, whose holder is in re- ceipt of a salary of five thousand pounds per annum,” was Mr, Bonar Law’s description of his office as Lord Privy Seal. The House rewarded the modesty of its hard-working Leader with laughter and cheers. None of his pre- decessors has excelled him in courtesy and assiduity; as regards audibility there is room for improvement. Mr. Law rarely plays to the Gallery ; but he might more often speak in its direction. * The funniest game in the world is chicket.” Provincial Paper. We should like to hear more of this humorous pastime. A daily paper describes the contest at Henley for the “Silver Giblets.” It is rumoured that the Goose that laid the Golden Eggs has become a bimetal- ane

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IX ‘ as at rd rs th ng .N- he ad ed ut re- nd AR rd he ith re- SV iby Lr. he on, | = | Juty 7, 1920] | | | | has changed!” I said to myself. | can they be? | “exceptional ” is the only word to use. | Yet it was very remarkable to meet | June 25th. | who very obviously were lovers. Owing to the disposition of the seats they had | . “4 . | to separate, the girl subsiding into the | place beside the big man immediately ' man with a grey beard who was alone apart. |“ Let me change places with you. I | sit together.” | nothing,” he said. “Prix” torbyme with “fix’’) “in France | . + on Sunday. | luck this afternoon. | of new spapers. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 15 THREE EXCEPTIONAL MEN. Tr these men are types, how London But I fear not; I fear that them all on the same day, Friday, The first was on an omnibus. A big on the seat. Several other seats had only one passenger; the rest—mine among them—were full. At West- minster came up a youth and a girl in frontof me. At first he said nothing, and then, just as we were passing the scaffolding of the Cenotaph, he did | something which proved him to be very much out of the common, a creature} Reaching across and touching | the youth on the shoulder, he said, | expect you young people would like to| That was exceptional, you will agree. | He was right too; the young people| did like to sit together. I could see} that. And the more the omnibus rocked | and lurched the more they liked it. | The second exceptional man was a} taxi-driver. I wanted to get to a cer- | tain oflice before it shut, and there were | very few minutes to do it in. The} driver did his best, but we arrived just | too late; the door was locked. “That ’s a bit of hard luck,” he said. “But they’re all so punctual closing now. It’s the daylight-saving does it. Makes people think of the open-air more than they used.” As I finished paying bim—no small “Aan! D’ affair, with all the new supplements “WELL, he resumed, YOU K WOT YER GOIN’ TO DO —KNOW YoU’ ABAHT r c »” STANDING ON MY =?” FOOT { “I’m sorry you had the journey for “It’s rough. But never mind—have something on Com- rade forthe Grand Prix” (be pronounced known for most of the six years during which he has stood every afternoon except Sundays on the kerb between a lamp-post and a letter-box at one of London's busiest corners. Ihave bought his papers and referred to the weather fall that time, but I never talked with Don’t forget—}him before. Why, I cannotsay ; I sup- Comrade to win and one, two, three.’ | pose because the hour had not struck. After this I must revise my opinion | On Friday, however, we had a little con- of taxi-drivers, which used not to} versation, all growing from the circum- be very high: especially as Comrade | stance that while he was counting out differed from most racehorses of my | change | noticed a fat voluine protrud- acquaintance by coming in first. | ing from his coat pocket and asked him The third man perhaps was more| what it was. unexpected than exceptional. His un-| It was his reply that qualified him to expectedness took the form not of bene-|be numbered among Friday's elect. volence but of culture. He is a vendor|‘ That book?” he said—“ that’s Bar- A pleasant old fellow | chester Towers.” with a smiling weather-beaten face, grey I asked him if he read much. moustacheand a cloth cap, whom I have He said he loved reading, and par- I'm told it’s the goods Then you won't mind about your bad | | | | } | we were both at the Post Office.” ticularly stories. Mariz CoReEx11, Ourna, he read them all; but TrRoLLoPrEe was his favourite. He liked novels in series; he liked to come on the same people again. ‘But there’s another reason,” he added, “why I like Trontopre. You see Some day soon I am going to try him with one of Mr. WALKLEY’s criticisms. KE. V. L. From an article on the Lawn Tennis | Championship, purporting to be written | by Mlle. SuzANNE LENGLEN :— “Quelle journées ils était!” “ Mon dieu, comme était beau ! ” “C'est le partie le plus disputé.” Sunday Paper. We can only hope that the Entente is now strong enough to survive even these shocks.

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| 16 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL June 7, 1920,

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| Jony 7, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

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rt a es

Ss SBE oc tI

| | | | me, “purple and yellow and green.”

18

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —<n- (JuLy 7, 1920

PRISCILLA PAINTS. “THere was a lot of men in the boat,” said Priscilla from behind the table, where she sat daubing with little energetic grunts. “Oh, there were, were there?” I answered from behind The Times. Confident of arousing my enthusiasm in the end, she continued to issue tan-

talising bulletins about the progress of| colours or conventional shapes in a | work of art, but 1 do like things to be «It was an all-colour boat,” she told| recognisable; to know, for instance, when a thing is meant to be a man and I| when it is meant to be a boat, and when the great work. “A very nice kind of boat too,’ agreed. got any body at all.” I suggested weakly that perhaps the| much better than that of many of our | biggest man of all had left his body| modern maestri?. behind on the table at home. | suggestion was scorned. | | “No, he hadn’t never had any body | and what nots. at all, this man,” she replied. And then, as my interest seemed to be flag- ging again, “They all had faces ; and do you know why they had?” *T don’t, I’m sure.” “Because they'd eaten up all their greens.” Vanquished at last, I went over to visit the eupeptic voyagers. Seven in all, they stood in their bright boat on a blue sea beneath a round and burning sun. Their legs were long and thin, their bodies globular (all save one), and their faces large. They were dressed apparently in light pink doublets and hose, and on his head each wore a huge | purple turban the shape of a cottage | loaf, surmounted by a ragged plume. | They varied greatly in stature, but their | countenances were all fixed in the same | unmeaning stare. Take it all in all, it | was an eerie and terrible scene. “T don’t quite see how the boat |; moves along, Priscilla,” I said; “it | hasn't any oars or sail.” | It was a tactless remark | artist made no reply. I did | to cover my blunder. | “I expect the wind blew very hard | on their feathers,” I said, “and that | drove them along.” | “What colour is the wind?” in- | quired Priscilla. She had me there. I did not know. bebe It was a brown wind,” she decided. impatient at my lack of resource, and slapped a wet typhoon of madder on the page. There was no more doubt about the wind, “And is the picture finished now?” I asked her. “No, it isn’t finished. | drawn the pookin yet.” The pookin is a confusion in the mind of Priscilla between a pelican and a

I haven't |it is meant to be a pookin and when it “ And the biggest man of all hadn't} is meant to be a sun. The | tional it may not be, but there are none | very rosy| well as to the eye, and there seemed toucan, because she saw them both for the first time on the same day. In this case it consisted of an indigo splodge and a long red bar cutting right through the brown wind and penetrating deeply into the yellow sun. “Tt had a very long beak,” observed Priscilla. ‘Tt had,” I agreed. I am no stickler for commonplace The art of Pris- cilla seems to me to satisfy this test Strictly representa- of your whorls and cylinders and angles 3ut I also insist that a work of art should appeal to the imagination as to me details about this picture that needed clearing up. “Where were these men going to, Priscilla?” I asked. “They was going to Wurvin,” she answered in the tone of a mother who instructs her child.

and the| It savoured of the books of Mr. Conrap. my best |It reminded me not a little of those I confessed that fierce typhoon, with that bird of portent * And what do you think they was going to do there?” ‘IT don’t know.’ «They was going to see Auntie Isabel.” * And what did they do then ?”’ “They had dinner,” she cried enthusi ‘And do you know what they did after dinner?” ' ‘T don't.” “They went on the Front to see the fire-escape.”’ It seemed to me now that the con- ception was mellow, rounded and com- plete. 1t had all the haunting mystery and romance of the sea about it. It was reminiscent of the Ancient Mariner. | astically. strange visitations which come to quiet watering-places in the novels of Mr. H.G. Weis. When I thought of those seven men—one, alas, disembodied so strangely attired yet so careful of jelementary hygiene, driven by that in the skies, arriving suddenly with the salt of their Odyssey upon their brows at the beach of the genteel and respec- table Sussex town, and visiting a per- haps slightly perturbed Auntie Isabel, and afterwards the fire-escape, I felt that here was the glimpse of the wild exotic adventure for which the hearts of all of us yearn. It left the cinema standing. It beat the magazine story to a frazzle. , “And who is the picture for, Pris-

cilla?” I asked, when I had thoroughly steeped myself in the atmosphere. “It's for you,” she said, presenting it with a motley-coloured hand; “it's for you to take to London town and not to drop it.” I was careful to do as I was told, because I have a friend who paints Ex- pressionist pictures, and I wished to deliver it at his studio. It seems to me that Priscilla, half-unconsciously perhaps, is founding a new school of art which demands serious study. One

might call it, I think, the Pookin School. Ivor. WHEN CHARL. COMES OVER. Ir is said that Mr. Coaries Cuaptin, a prominent citizen of Los Angeles, Cal., has employed the greater part of the last few days in mopping his brow, sigh ing with relief and exclaiming ‘Gee!’ Mr. Cuaruin declares that missing the boat for England recently was the narrowest escape from death he has ever enjoyed. But for having been thus providentially prevented from visiting his native land in the company of Miss Mary Pickrorp and Mr. DovuGnas Fairnanks (better known as “ Many” and ‘ Doua.” respectively) he would have come back to the dear homeland all unprepared for what would surely have happened to him no less than it happened to his illustrious colleagues in the film world. Since his promised visit to our shores cannot long be delayed, he has already begun elaborate preparations for travel- ling in safety. He is growing a large beard and is learning to walk with his toes turned in. A number of his teeth will be blackened out during the whole of his European tour, and his hair will be kept well-ironed and cropped short. He has engaged a complete staff of plain-clothes pugilists to travel with him everywhere and to stand on guard outside his bathroom door. They will also surround him during meal-times to prevent admirers from grabbing his food to hand down to their children as heirlooms, He is being measured for a complete outfit of holeproof clothing, and his motor will be a Ford of seventeen thicknesses, with armoured steel win- dows, and fitted with first-aid acces- sories, including liniment, restoratives and raw steak. His entourage will in- clude a day doctor, a night doctor, a leading New York surgeon and a squad of stretcher-bearers. It has been suggested to him that a further precaution would be not to ad- vise the Press of the date of his arrival; but that he considers would be carry- ing his safety-first measures to a foolish extreme.

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—_— Swe Juuy 7, 1920, “PUN CH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARI. | ek STOP-PRESS NEWS. Observant Visitor, ‘‘ I SAY—EXCUSE Farm Hand, ‘* Wot, 1’vE KNOWE A TRAGEDY OF REACTION. Ir was a super-poet of the neo-Georgian kind Whose fantasies transcended the simple bourgeois mind, And by their frank transgression of all the ancient rules Were not exactly suited for use in infant schools. But, | holding that no rebel should shrink from frat ricide, His gifted bre ther-Georgians he suddenly defied, And in a manifesto extremely clear and terse Announced his firm intention of giving up free verse. The range of his reaction may readily be guessed N D | | | | he displays no undue apprel | have daunted a writer of more experience. Vhen I mention that for BrowninG his devotion he confessed, ithroned above the SrrwE.ts the artless Muse of “ Ban,’ Ana said that MARrINETTI was not as ) good as CRABBE. At first the manifesto was A boyish ebullition that soon would end in smoke; But when he took to writing in strict and fluent rhy: ) His family decided to extirpate the crime. treated as a joke, Two scientifie doctors declared he was insane, But likely under treatment his reason to regain; -~ } o he’s now in an asylum, where he listens at his meals 'o a gramophone recital of the choicest bits from Wheels. The Return to Woad. “The bride’s mother was handsomely attired in heliotrope stain.” Canadian Paper. 1E, BUT YOUR HAT IS KNOCKED IN.”* THAT FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEAR,”’ OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) WHATEVER else may be said about Mr. ArtHur ComptTon RICKETT as a novelist, it can at least be urged for him that iension of the too-facile laugh For example, the humorous possibilities (or perils) in the plot of The Shadow of Stephen Wade (Jenkins) might well | Stephen Wade iwas an ancestor, dead some considerable time before the story opens, and— to quote the old jest there was no com- | plaint about a circumstance with which everybody was well satisfied. The real worry over Stephen was twofold: first, | that in life he had been rightly suspected of being rather ‘| more than a bit of a rip, and secondly that his grandson, Philip, the hero of the story, had what seemed to him good cause for believing that Slep/en’s more regrettable tendencies | were being repeated in himself. Here, of course, is a theme capable of in may varieties of development ; the tragedies | of heredity have kept novelists and dramatists busy since fiction began. The trouble is that, all unconsciously, Mr. Compton-Ricketr has given to his hero’s struggles a fatally humorous turn. Philip's initial mistake appeared to | be the supposition that safety could be secured by flight. But it has been remarked before now that Cupid is winged and doth range. Philip dashed into the depths of Devon- shire, only to discover that even there farmers have pretty daughters ; seeking refuge in the slums he found that the exchange was one from the frying-pan to the fire. In short, |

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| | | | edified, 20) PUNCH, OR there him, til Well, y oO peace fc I ou can now see whether or bored by a we ll-mes add) wit M. Hewxrt Domerier, the aut German Headquarters accounted among the prop! ets, Before the Wat and when the Arde ) Belgium. ( Chat ley ible, by the enemy hordes ’’ and the | drawn to ~— 4, he stayed 1 Secretary to the Municiy val Con was recognised b the Git it was still a dangerous aa a eloquent preface tells us of DoMELIER h: - to endure while t cult dutie ‘he French who more than ample *opportun! ties and his eldest son, and : M. Domenier writes i of them w a& pen ‘* al Ip] ed , g il] N ) book that I have read puts before one more poignantly the mis- eries Which the in- habitants of invaded oie unceh — ar dui ‘the >) Ko the most ae ey agony. vith a cour age bey« nd all pratse but some few, giving way unde physical sutfering or moral temptation, foi got their nati bore them ¥ stress of ynality — Dom: . no pre- L think that even those of us who have definitely | made up our minds re garding the Hun and'|___ want to read no more For if it is primarily an in German methods, it and these LIER makes tence to spare. . is hardly 1} a rather devastating solenin ty of sty (Hurst anp BuackreT some of about hi idict THE (ny 11 1920, LONDON CHARIVARL land self possession, it is plain that ‘Mary loves th e busy ; ; | i the cdesuinhe you are likely to be amused, managing director; but Jim’s feelings are more difficult to | unin story. told (I should|fathom. In fact he is so long in mentioning his passion i that it is quite a relief when, on the last page but one, what vie, | publishers call the “love interest " suddenly strengthens and hor of Lehind the Scenes at\their engagement is announced, very suitably and to her _must also be | entire satisfaction, to the charwoman at the foundry. for he foretold the invasion } he edited a newspape! in| Open the Door won the two hundved and fifty pounds mnes had been “inundated | prize offered by Messrs. MELROsR, and without troubling local authorities had with-|to inquire into the merits of its rivals I Wholeheart lly n he wleville and acted as |commend the award. For some curious reason its leng ymis sion. This organisation |(one hundred and eighty thousand words—-no less) is in ans, but to be secretary of | sisted upon by the pl iblis! ers, but as a matter of fact Mis aa M. Mavrree Barrés in| Caruerrme C ARSWE LL’s novel would have been even more | the sufferings that M.| ‘remarkable if it had been of a less generous bulk, Her styl rying to carry out his diffi- lis beyond reproach and she has nothing whatever to learn remai ined in Charleville had | in the mysteries of a woman's heart. The principal scenes f see ith the ex-KAIsER ‘are placed in Glasg gow, and the Bannermann family are la ree ee el ——————1 stark before us. Ars. Bannermann was ) the next intent on world that «for all | practic al purposes she was useless in this Having been left a widow with two sons and two daughters she was incapable of managing the of them, let alone sueh easiest lan emotional com | plexity as Joanna, It lis upon Joanna that Miss Carsweu. has ;concentrated he but she is not | less happy in her anal ysis of the many lovers | who fell into the net of this seductive youn ndeed | | forces; | ;woman., sich : ea). “ AIN'T IT ASTONISHIN’, WILLIUM? | have not for many 2 AVE THOUGHT THEER COULD BE AS MUCH WATER AS THAT? es ‘ ont “YES; AN’ REMEMBER, MARIA, YE ONLY SEE WHAT’S ON TOP.” | day read a novel of ‘ EE j WC Bo __—J which the psychology m will \ welcome this book. | seemed to me to be so thoroughly sound. ment of Germans and ] iess a ‘ tribute to those who| I hope “ Miss M. LE. Francis” will take it as a compli held firm through all their misery and never gave up hope} ment when I say that Beck of Beckford (ALLEN AND Unwin during the darkest days. | should form part of the holiday equipment of all of us whos . brows are not too exalted t« 0 enjoy it. In her unostentatious I have before now met (in books) heroes who wore} w: ay Miss Francis knows how to provide ample entertain dungaree and Jjhad as setting a but never one who equalled the strictness of attentio managing director of Cupreou deals in a wonderful copper invented, and the book tells th fight against the othe: 1118 attractive, but Miss Una L. making “ shop" as interesting in real life, and Jim’s plans ; cuitous ways of the other di quite an exciting st ory. When Gore, powers, tnt t be excepted. Jim directors, of amalgamation with another Sketched in so few words the book's subject representing a brother on the board of ( upre and backing Sim through thick and thin to the limit of her 1 engineer-shop or a foundry, Robinson (HutrcHinson) in n to } ment, and she has nothing to learn in point of form. When we are introd iced to the Becks they are proud and poo having impoverished themselves in the process of removing cine, Limited, a firm which | a blot from their escute heon. Six John isa working farmer, ales which he himself has|and Lady Beck does menial duties with an energy that 1¢ story of his long and losing 10st servants of to-d: Ly would not care to imitate. The business. Jim is the] } who are all in fayour apple of their old eyes is their grandson, Roger, and the and much larger concern. | sto) \ tt irns on his strug ggle between pride and love. No true sounds un-| Franciscan need be told that he comes through his struggle ey eageneel nas & genius tor g col So quietly and easily does the tale run | vith flying colours. ithat one is apt to overlook the art with which it is told. But the art is there all the time. ‘in her novels as it usually is and enter rprises and the cir- rectors provide mate rial for I say “other directors,’ "Mary y usciie ou cai reet an ac juaintance ir head or by w aving aeql laintance ship. and nodding yor de pth of vour while you are cycling by Which you Ho me Ni les. smiling do depends on the In spite of her gracious reserve! And not, as you might uate on your proficiency as a cyclist.

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CHARIVARL 21 1) Channel Tunnel. PUN ‘CH, OR THE ‘LONDON: CHARIVARIA. We understand that it has now been decided that the Ex-Kaiser will travel to England for his trial by way of the A new coal war is anticipated by The Daily Express. The difficulty is in knowing where the last coal war ended and this one will begin. * We understand that the Government fixture card is not yet complete and they still have a few open dates for Peace Conferences (away matches) for medium teams. The world’s largest blasting-furnace lias been opened at Ebbw Vale. expected however that others will flare up imme- | diately the CHANCELLOR’s | proposals go through, * Militarism has created .dragon whose fangs will never properly be drawn,” announces a writer In a Sunday paper. This charge against Mr. Win- stON CHURCHILL'S dentist is, IN our opinion, most unkind, x The report that the Turks had appealed to the Allies to stop the new war | in Asia Minor turns out to | be incorrect. What the | Turks demand is that the pay 's Shall stop the Greek | nd of it. Showman, It is! “Don't | FIVE ROUNDS WITH THE BOXING KANGAROO WHEN YOU ‘VE FINISHED.” members of a well-known club in the City who inadvertently took away their own umbrellas have now agreed to exchange same, so that the reputation of the club shall not suffer. * A Warwickshire miner summoned for not sending his child to school is reported to have pleaded that he saw a red triangle danger notice above the word “school” and therefore kept his daughter away. “We must have support,” said the PosTMASTER-GENERAL last week. We can only say that we always buy our stamps at one of his post-oflices. * A little domestic tragedy was enacted in London last week. It appears that will not open until seven in the evening on Sundays. This seems to be another attempt to discourage early rising on that day. * 7 Two men have been arrested at Oignies, Pas de Calais, for selling stones as coal. We fancy we know the coal dealer from whom they got this wrinkle. Speaking at Shettield University last week, Sir Eric Gepprs said he hoped to see the day when there would be a degree of Transport. What we're getting now, we gather, can’t really be called Transport at all. A live mussel measuring six inches | has been found inside a codfish at New- castle. We expect thei if the truth was GET HIM TOO TAME, ProFEssor. He *s GOT l known the mussel snapped at the cod-fish and an- noyed it. soldier arrested at a told the police he be an impostor. ie | A market-gardener in Surrey is said to be the |;double of Mr. Winston | CHURCHILL. Since announcement it is stated been inundated with mes sages of sympathy. |says Mr. lhard work.” Still, | “ The secret of success,’ ' ro Go ‘I would like to take a great piece|a small boy, on being offered a penny of England back to America as a by his mother, who had just returned ouvenir of the happy time I have re- | from the winter sales, refused it, saying cently spent there,’ exclaimed Mary Pickrorp to a reporter in Bel- | gium. Arrangements, we hear, are now | being hastily made to offer her the| | whole of Ireland if she will take it away during this month. | pectedly from the theatre, discovered | two burglars at work in his library. It | is reported, however, that the intruders | With great presence of mind immedi- * According to a loeal paper a law yer living in Birmingham, returning unex ately retained him for their defence. —_ Several workhouses in the South of England now possess tennis-courts and bow ling-greens. It is satisfactory to note that preparations are at last being made to receive the New Poor. We are glad to learn that the two Miss } ; years is young. VOR, CLIX, that he was not allowed to accept money from strangers. tew York Y.W.C.A. a woman of thirty A more fair question When is a woman thirty age?” An official of the N inquires whether would be, “ years of ¥ * President C, University, because it Evior, of Harvard says Britishers drink tea feeds the brain. Our own opinion is that we drink it because we have tasted our coffee. So many servant-girls are being en- ticed from one house to another that several houses now display the notice, ‘ Visitors are requested to refrain from stealing the servants.” is Under a new Order pubiie- houses —| people would scorn to take advantage of another man’s secret. Wives, said the Judge of the Clerken- well County Court recently, are not so ignorant that they do not know what their husband's earnings ave. There i no doubt, however, that many work lwas Sydney Carton, the hero of The Tale of Two Cities. He is supposed to this | ithat the poor fellow has | Harris, ‘is | some men’s wives simply pocket the handful | of bank-notes their husbands fling them on Saturday night without stopping to count them. There were no buyers, it is stated, for fifty thousand blankets offered by the Disposals Board last week. it would take time, wear its adversaries down. * ‘ According to an official list recently published the Government employs over three thousand charwomen. The number is said to be so great that they have to take it in turns to empty Mr. Austen CHAMBERLAIN’S portfolio. We | have all along maintained that, though | the Board would |

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RS nett Netw hge Sar a

wicca aie oe PUNCH, OR some A CRICKET MANNERISM. article in Punch on the advantage { irmless m a cricketer ol some h puner- srr) f isin, giving Warner's habit of hitching up the side of his trousers and patting the] vround seven times with his bat.

5 . homely touch reminded me irresistibly of Rankin. Not tl uf Ranki 1 resempies regil Q, to field, an Bh nai Bi | ! | A wrITER commented recently in an | kin’s hands were in his pockets wher } to| he should have been presenting arms iI can only , | > i . . ] , = bli j ‘siving as an instance Mr. P. F.} Rankin, and love 1s blind. left | quite a good chap. We now come to the day of the! positive benefit from what lox THE

ass-hat, inspecting Rankin’'s | must have noticed that Ran- } ») [ like him myself. tis | Smallwick v. Littleborough match. lwick lost the toss and went out | bridge youth I met last week, raving | had | about Turner's “ Fighting Témeéraire.” | 1, as one of their players

LONDON CHARIVARL. | j | | | | differences are of presume that they all loved| men can be knocked prostrate by the Well, he is} most | [JuLy 14, ———— . 1920, PHILOSOPHERS. WE are all different, and often our the widest. Some trifling disappointment, while

others can extract comfort or even ks like | 'complete disaster—such as the Cam- | | Mr. WARNER even remotely in any other | not arrived, Rankin went with them as “ But I didn’t know you were inter- | | wa But Rankin has a manneris a sub e. ested in pictures,’’ I said. | one which is fairly harmless, too, as a We | three wickets for only ten} ‘Oh, yes, I’ve always been, in a] general rule. If on one occasion, of|runs, and then I went in. It was one| way,” he replied; “but it wasn’t till | which I will tell you, it had unfortunate | of my rare cricket days. I felt, 1 knew,|the rain ruined the first day of the | results. there was then a combination|that I should make runs—not much Varsity match that I ever had a real | oft circumstances lor whi Rankin wa m thar twenty, of course, but then | chance to get to the National G illery, | not entirely responsible. That much I | twenty is a big score for Littleborough.|and when it came down like blazes | now feel myself able to admit. At the} And I felt like t wenty at least iain on Tuesday I went back there. | time I could see nothing good ab Rankin w fielding at deep lor n,| Did you ever see such painting And | Rat it all c e tent; but they had no one the pathos of it too! And then that | fan resides in our village of Little | ( which is my special di frosty m ning scene in the same room! | borough, and is by trade what is known twenty days. Presently the| Why, Turner was too wonder! as a jobbing gardener. On Thursdays he | | ( 1d me a full pitch on the} How some of the other dampened | is my gardener, on Wednesdays Mrs. | leg sid I timed it successfully, and| enthusiasts tided over their loss I can | Dobbie’s gardener, and so on. Onjhad no doubt of having added four to} only guess; but this ardent one re- Saturday afternoons he plays cricket,| my s« hen, to my astonishment, |} minded me «¢ f the Shipwrecke dd Iinto- | Or at least he dresses in (among other|I saw a fieldsman running from the] mologist, and I placed him on a niche garments) a pair of tight white flannel | direction of the hedge. The next mo-| somewhere near that radiant soul trousers and a waistcoat, and joins the iment he had brought off a very credit-| And who was he? weekly game. able catch. | Well, he was the curator of his own Recently we met in deadly combat It did 1 . ; " : the neig ila f Smallwick. Awav into the unc the record of hbouring v ge ¢ hronicled past runs | these annual ec Kach village hints number ¢« ined in its heart that it has gained the greater { victories: each Is Inel to believe that

ma nis ins yment. When it did ee | “| ~~ - Rs — I o¢ = | but the poorest huts for shelter, dirty oO which hankin carries it t 1s useless se | , . fnvbe | i Ranki t , ! r A Selft-Starter and verminous, so that the discomforts or ankin to held at short sup, t iY | " : Ty . a ghee GS Iris moter and a Scots father,| Of the land were almost equal to the | stance, 16 Only time he did soa catch | ; : ¢ an | : : ; Sis. “theicrehaaee oe heodr-oguas CI A., Mr s ability for the | perils of the sea. struc im sharply in the wer chest ‘ ned ver rly.” 4 1: ‘ | 4 f r } P’ } ery ' = —- | Naturally, on his return to Calcutta | (and fell to the ground, of course) before New Ze i Pa | | BE Sat: ’ 4 : Satie’ tene to take hin} . | the curator was plied with questions. | © Had LIne )taKE HIS hands out ol his} } ay 4 “hs J . ae ; ; — | = 3 | How did he feel about it? Wasn't it po kets. When he Is batting e cl Sg} VWibs puare t pectator were | whos? 9 c P } iia Read ae ae. | paraded thousand Girl Guides, [,|2" @Wwful experience? If ever a man} one hand into his pocket between each |! “nee : : — leserved gs , Zs : Ands ee tea As | ; : ' | delighted the eye to see the companies march | deserved sympathy it was he. And so delivery. AS he wears a iarge Dattins ; . ‘ ssi? 1 } ba - , : hae 1S | with pr n and smartness, while the ear| forth. But he wouldn’t rise. | glove and his trousers are very tight] harmed and the marital spirit stirred by “ug 999 ‘ 1} > erty - . “spoon wip whee y) “Sympathy?” hesaid. ‘Good Heavens! | (as mentioned belore) this is a matte: i] i the pipes and drums | ld n't Ww unt tl WI l had | | 7 . 4 oe ‘ y do jan H l. Vy, i | } of some difficulty. In fact we usually vate ag ‘tl ti if “life. De | : th t , ’ ; F PEA Shot te tha tas , " fe ; s the attribute the smallness of his scores to | ©? 6 the idea, rT ime o my I e. (8) you know { ab | its unsteadying effect | during the night in that Korean hovel unsveadying eff ‘ } cor’ tj 1 ° . - | “ WW ( x | ke 4} Qnhk : “se ol r P . . , g { How he ever survived five years of | p re ld meke out the sultan’s Lf und five absolutely =n kind : militar srvice witl t being : "| Palace, from which the tired ‘ Hunter of the | bug. KB. V. L. Mila y service without eing shot lor | East’ was ne Ww unwinding his ‘nose of light.’” persistently carrying his hands in his ment of good order and military discip ) line, | can never understand,

| | | | organ Surely | Luminous Nose.” pockets while on parade, to the detri-} For furthe see — Magaz ine. LEAR’S

details of this remarkable | “Dong with the] | “Norice | Toronte to the public, that John —, ), will not be responsible for debt here- | after contracted by any one.” Canadian Paper. Very sensible of him.

| } ' | !

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LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 14, 1920, . 4 PUNCH, OR THE our | ome the hile ven } like | am- | — lee ma & S&S s= the | real | ery, LZes ere. | And | bnat | J) —w Sb fs ®@ be 2 SCs = oat te “OS wn ime ge ner, sus urs gan ship | ere nly | pas- | | | sed but | ts nt but ing | uirby | “te Orus the | 24298 * 2 Bar = = MEAN IT?” tALLY IT, ANYWAY.” RE OF .T “DO YOU PAI SUBJECT TO REVISION. 3 4 > fd S 3% hme Rs > aq a % o > fe mM n © . = =m & eo- an ted SG — ~ 3 aevo is = = 3 1 o ~ = 35 O DF ms =| >

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fn GE he 24 PUNCH, OR i ‘ oO g "a I i KA it sf > Al SANTAMINGOES. A Fancy. rhe santaming a kind of O tal bird believed by foolish sailor . . > nat Kast from the \ial anadi and north ot the Nicc bar You will come to Ev ning Island here tl Ssantamingoes wit Their wings are sunrise-orange and their tails are starlight blue You catch a santa ning and all your drea iS come true. ry *. ‘ »ract lay neo . ‘ } } ld hey ve a crest of flaming scariest and purpie-golden breast, And thei ice is like all ked tl nd their voice is Like all the mu bu ever you liked the best, : And their eyes are like all ( i t that ever vou hoped to find You catch @ santat! neo and \ i ll vet peace of mind, You won't find ed tre res, you n't get s en luck, Rant thi, ] Pr ‘ But things ‘ll ju go smoothly tha i to get WNenow stuct -" er ae itthn — ‘ +4 ‘ ‘ : [he little things that matter, the tru npery things that pl asc, You catch your santamingo and you re always sure of these. You don't get thrones and kingdoms, you don’t turn great snow you're just in tune with t e understood, hings, you know to te THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | You cateh * Capitalist who will [Juny 14, 1920 And wherever you chance to be ts liome and any old t the best When you've got your santamingo to keep your heart rest, If ever you've dreamed of a golden day when nothin; at all went wrong, Or a pal who'd want no tellings but would somehow belong, Or a place that said, ‘“‘] was made for you ell, s men tell you flat, santaml youl ‘ve sailed from the Mahanadi to north of the Nicobai I can’t find Evening Island where the santaming ure, | Though I’ve taken salt to put on their tails and all t } hunter should | Perhaps you can’t really catch them; but don't you you could ? H. 1 onsider finan cing Canadian oil fields Daily Pape 1 bh ++ end Ey gl sh theol > investigate propert | And do the clerical work, we suppose. From a description of the V.C.’s at Buckingham Palace “ There were a sergeant-major arranged in nine separate gt an attempt had been made to get old comrades together possible.”-—Provincial Paper. The reassembling of the bit of doing. uj as fa sergeant-major must have taken ngo and you'll find it all like that.

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Juny 14, 1920,] MY RAT. Iin visits me at least once every day. His favourite time is the hour of tea, when the family and staff may be ex- pected to be at home; but sometimes he honours us with an additional call at the luncheon hour. He emerges from his deep hole beneath an ivy root, takes the air up and down the paths of my rockery, glances in at the drawing-room | window, passes on to the back premises, and so home, There is nothing furtive about his movements. His manner is that of one who has purchased the mansion and its »ypurtenances but does not wish to disturb the sitting tenants. It is his luty to see that the premises are pro- perly eared for, but for the present he It is beautiful weather and the simple life out-of-doors contents him. Ile is a brown rat.

has no desire to take possession. I write of his sex with confidence because his urbanity is that of a polished gentleman of the Wwol ld; no feminine creature could evel lisplay it. A female rat who had bought the house would eagerly try to get in ind drive us forth. | I But not so my rat. He discharges the function of a land rd as considerately as he can; afte all, even a landlord must be allowed the rights of inspect ion of hisown property. At first 1 regarded him as merely in ordinary intrusive brown rat. I laid down poisonous pills composed of barium carbonate and flour. He did not take offence; he understood our human limitations. He showed by a } vunby cock of the eye that all to under- tand is all to pardon. His daily visits | continued without abatement. It has been suggested to me that we should await his regular calls with dogs, blood-thirsty terriers. I cannot | take so scurvy an advantage of his confidence, :

* * + + Ihave sinned. The fault is less mine than that of the High Court of Parlia- ment. I was bidden to study the penalties laid down for those who do not proceed to the destruction of their rats. When I weighed my landlord rat against five treasury notes I confess that in an hour of meanness I per- mitted the notes to tip the scale. I prepared phosphor paste and laid a trail of this loathsome condiment upon the path trodden every afternoon by my rat. He came as usual on the day after that on which I had basely planned his murder—Heaven forgive me!—that I might escape a trifling fine, and he deigned to partake of my hospitality. Twenty-four hours later, when duty summoned him once more at the hour of tea, his eye was dim and he staggered

PUNCH, OR THE

a la

“4 2 Coms “Savy < ae - Jack (to no e in diffi LONDON CHARIVARL 25

i ulties with the ide). “THE NEXT TIME YOU SPORTSMEN TAKES AN OUTIN’ TRY A NUMBER TWENTY-SEVEN BU

” Se

slightly in his gait. He was still able| to go his rounds, but since that tragic | afternoon I have seen him no more. My family eyes me with suspicion. They look for the rat, which no longer arrives at his accustomed hour. My cook has given notice. IJ alone bear the burden of the fatal secret. * * + * Saved! What care I for five paltry pounds now that our rat has recovered from his indisposition and has hastened to re-visit his property ? The phosphor paste, like arsenic, has added bright- ness to his eye and brought a beautiful lustre to his smooth brown coat. He!

has softened in his manner and tends towards friendship. There is less of the grand air, less assertion of the vast gap which yawns between the landlord | and the tenant. Presently, if I con- tinue to prove worthy of his condescen- sion, my rat will eat phosphor paste out of my hand.

From the obituary notice of an octogenarian : “ He was a kee a valuable collec n chronologist tion of shells.” Provincial Paper ; and possessed Picked up, no doubt, on the sands of time.

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wna ct We Nan So sg xpi eae acme we Silncaerpeng or ena ne Sey ee oenoars alma PUR NCH, OR The f h whi FREDERK and Versi He Tue scene is laid in the House Ww x Banpury has moved the rejection of the Poets sir THE LITTLE HORSE. llowing fragment is taken from the play David I we understand may some day be produced at the mpanion Hammersmith, as ac mece to L € \ » of C ommons, Nationalisation) Bill. Freperick BAnpvry speaking. But it stands to re If you propose to pay them just the same W hethet they write a little or a They won't write anything. There will not | Sufficient stimulus. human nature, And human nature 1 xangeable Do you imagine, Sir, that Wo ild nave produce d such Vv ul Ho large put, if t! Had been in operation at the tame?’ We should have se | no SHAKSPEARE. lt n of British poetry, e can't continue to co mpete 3 c With foreign countries. uable work, an out is age Bill eans the de Luse W ry Member. lam not ala Ni I am not a manufacture But ea d my bread these ve-and-lorty yei veating and sweat I know what sw Hon. Member You re not the oni Pp son W \ SW r Me t \ te | sweated more than you did OPEAKE! I do not think these cor i terruplions Chat what I utter is an honest word, \ plain, blunt, honest and straightforward w Neither adorned w co And tricks of languag Nor yet with fales and en te rhetoric worthless tlummery Like lawyers’ speeches. 1 am not a lawyer, { thank my stars that I am not a lawyei (nd can without a spate of parleying Briefly expound, as | am doing now, I'he whole caboodle. As for this here Bill, So far as it means Nationalising verse We shall s On the other ha mo lar With To write their poitry when and how they lil We will not have the Bill. Aset ITH, It was remarked, I think by Aris That wisdom is not \\ To which opinion, if we may include In that august and jealous category The Presiden he Board of [| | | am prepared most freely to When was tl ( upport it. nterferences the free liberty of work as it means rOTLE, ] + always to the tott subscribe. icre ever A more grotesque and shan ele Ss mocke ry Of the austere and holy principles Which Liberalism like an altar-f! I . os ' Has guarded throug oh the loose ee +} ee oe Since the early Forti Le Than this inept, thi s disingenuous This Oe disingenuous attempt To smuggle past the barrier of this House An article sO plai nly contraband As this unlicens'd and contagious Bill— Abraham Li KEATS or SHELLEY And, |} irrevere! yea THE ison, where Sir LONDON CHAR IV. ARI (Juny 14, 1920, | A ‘Bill which, it is not too much to say, Insults the conscience of the British Empire ? I will not longer, Sir, detain the House ; Indeed I cannot profitably add To what I said in 1892. Speaking at Manchester I used these words :— al If in the inconstant ferment of their minds The Krna’s advisers can indeed discover No surer ground of principle than this ; If we have he e their final contribution To t he most clamant and profound conundrum Ever prop: me for statesmanship to solve, Then are we watching at the bankruptcy Of all that wealth of intellect and power Which has made England great. If that be true \Ve may put Frints to our history But I for one will never lk suffrage i } aS An O Darip Lioyp GEorGE. Mr. Speaker na my ene in this discussion xcept to say how t much | deprec ui ra ntem} ute tone of many of the speakers e Honou ible Membe Wha j ufter all? he merest trifle! T met { no, not tipsy-cake No trickery in it! Really one would think The Government had nothing else to do But sit i listen to offensive speeches. How can tl orse, tl patient se, go on If people will keep dragging at the reins? Ile has so terrible a load to bear, \r righ n ront there 1s a great | a } ll, j t very tired, and it is raining. Poor little ] e! a yonder, at the top, | in the The pre nise of fair WwW eather, and beyond I y-appointed stable | barley, or whatever ‘tis uinbow sky, lendidl That horses « it, while smiling all around Stretch out the prairies of Prosperity, Corntields and gardens, all that sort of thing. That’s whe re the horse is cong But, you see The horse } as gol to climb the great big hill Before he gets there. Oh, you must see that. us cease this petty bickering ; Let us have no more dragging at What is this Bill when all Surely th the reins, is sal d and done? is House, st ively this mighty Which did so much for horses in the War, Will not desert this little horse at last | Because of what calumniators say— Newspaper-owners—IJ know who tl ey are— \ bout this Bill! No, no, of course it won 6. “ e will take heart and gallop up the hill, } We will cl wath up together nation, to the rainbow ; We will go on to where the rainbow ends 1 know where that is, for 1 am a Welshman. Itisa , eld, a lovely little field, Where there are buttercups and daffodils, And long rich grass and ver y shady trees. } Hold on a little, and the horse will get there, Only, I ask you, let the horse have rein That is my message to the 1 sritish 1 “Hold on! Hold fast! But do not An O ration hold too tight ! | alton. The Division is taken. Ayes have it. he RETR. aa

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| Juxx 14, 1920, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. x

Lal | | | | j j | |

g | APH ‘ ~~ Y. 3 f | wor ay 18 ot ye. \ \f \\) : ’ i ’ Oo A) i aN x 4 4 Dy : ~ _* THAT A DOL FAULT I I 4 B I'M ALJ \ ye. La LOVE-FIFTI EEN.’ No. Y 8 ON! 3 I No, REALLY, I'M } \ ( 4 IN THINK Piri ] N-LOVRE. | 7 an K— SP ‘ gi As ae ~y feo thr =~ ge ST, <D ey hye yt _ tet 2 rem ¥ ae * ee ans ~ « = canes y ~ " Bes af, val “i ey) FF aoe j | ~ er | Fh j i “1 | ors ’ ry T ” , | “You PpiG-HEADED BEAST, I aw. LOVE-FIFTEEN. WELL, CALL IT A LED. he - Ps . Bad “You'RE a Lian! You're Nor, FIrPTREN-LOVE.”

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28 PUN ‘CH, OR THE LONDON ¢ CHARIVARL {Jury 14, 1920. | ti | | «That's not a bad notion,” said |‘ Jolly good, Alan. However did you gi WORD CHAINS. | John, “and then he needn't have a|guess it? Has he won?” he asked | q | Sheila Davies and her brother had| wash until to- morrow. Miss Davies. * aie ae » £) cycled over to play tennis. They sat,} ‘I suggest,” continued Miss Davies, ss Of course not, said she; we with John and myself, on the steps and ies that we play at Word Chains.” haven't begun yet. a . watched the rain falling. | Davies bur ied his face in his hands I sat down ag uin hurriedly. ti | «As a matter of general interest,’’| and groaned “Then, continued Hien Tiaziee, “we ; | “ Sa i ae aes aHeantie 1 tek AE ge RE ae ; ‘ ook said Arthur Davies to me, “ when Ba It sounds fine, I said gallantly.) take turns, a jase. an Se word p man invites his friends and neighbor Wi at is it ? ae margarine’ and making a chain, each rE over to play tennis and it pours wl th| “Well, it’s really a sort of mind | word being connected in some vay e rain all the time, what is the correct) exercise. They rec mmmend it in those with the one before it. And whoever oi) thing for him to do?”’ |courses, you know,” said Miss Davies, can get to the word ‘hippopotamus’ | ¢ « As a matter of general interest,” Ij“ er—* it ‘stimulates a logical sequence | first has won,” 4 answered, ‘“‘the good host will send the|in reasoning and quickens the mental sg ne hippopotamus ? J asked John 5 ladies to play the piano, if any, and to! processes.” | “WON,” said Miss Davies sweetly. talk scandal. whether there is(>—————— | Her brother groaned again. s anyornot. He will himself con VAY = t wif | “Tl just give you an easy | t duct the men of the party to Gitrevs* fe | example,” went on Miss Davies | F billiard-room or the molds } WAN enthusiastically, ‘and then we'll | : room and offer them | cigaret tes | , y, begin. Take the words ‘fire’ | and whisky—if any. ‘i “Ah,” said Bais s, “then if # isn’t usual just to keep the: q sitting miserably on the st teps| fi watching the net float away | i John, on whose st teps we were | sitting, felt the need of speech. nave ps we he | a nibh — n lered,” said, turning to Miss Davies, | ‘how your brother ever got into such a nice family as yours. How do you keep so cheerful | with it always about ‘One cets@s« d to it said Miss Davies. | “] suppose so,” said John. | “ After all, we have the same in time,” Seeaisven Gat eta hares a: ay obi ale ate disaster in z but we manage to bear up. : | Davies rose wy Gy eee sort of family ei — | conduct me to tl bi r iard-room or the as tina m? lLamin “Asa matter o of ge neral inter- | | oF | need of a wash.” sake let enjoying ourselves.” “I am enjoying myself,” plaintively ; “I've been what I really think ¢ years.’ : “ Well, don’t r »it now. Thi ; miserable enough without havir cussions on Avtker | game at something “ — | * What al “We mi | play pato, goodness wanti ‘ Wanting shal ll we? said her out tennis?’ J id idea,” brother, A Ss ugs ge sted. Hp | est,” said J ) ) Miss Davi 1es S i | ig it the eet thi h| Punt it befi reseiting out to vi : ™ je it | or can it be left until some hours ; ; | after arrival?” Wh aces ’ | Miss Davies sighed heavily, | et | “If you two are going to sit here } thinking of clever remarks to make | ' about each other I shall gohome. F pretend we are yf your brother for | Let's all “lhe a | . ght get into bathing togs and | and‘ nigger.’ A good chain would be ‘ fire—coal = | Do you see? ; John and I made sounds ex- | pressing tha | Davies just went on groaning. | «Very well,” said Miss Davies, “we'll begin. Now don’t forget We sti art’ with ‘ margarine’ and jtry to get to ‘h lipp ypotamus, The great thing is to keep t word ‘hippopotamus’ in yout | mind all the time and keep try- ing to work towards it. Are you | ready ? Right! L'il start with . pre ase.’ ‘ black—nigger.’ it we thought we did ' “Greece?” | startled. “Yes, margarine | explained Miss Davies. | ‘Oh, Isee,” said John, “er— | oil,” | I thought seriously for a mo | ment. Salad, said John, looking orease greas « I sal l, looking groun i THE NEW RIVER “BELLE.” for approval. yG \ La iw t Hon " Pamela | “ Splendid,” said Miss Davies a a epee meee and ae ge wy 4 | ‘Now you, Arthur.” 1 tha H. age 2 a “J refuse— Oh, all right, be ftoa! | he said. ‘Where have we — —— ‘ salad ’"—er—' lobster.’ ”’ = hat they say about it ? irfully. ut it 1 a sple andid game,’ added Miss D wies eagerly. “‘ Let me LACS | explain it to you and you 'll see. First | f all we think of a word, such as— 5 Ss er— Ir irga c a ™ Why ax as ed J hn. | “It’s part of the game, of course,” | Sal id Miss Davies indignant} y. ‘Oh, I see—of cour se, of me!" said John. ‘Then we think of quite different, ‘* Hippop | “That another such as—— word ’ I suggested. said Miss Davies. ind bowed. I’m hanged!” tamus,’ s right,”’ I stood up : | © Well, said John. How stupid | on, Do you catch the idea, as it were ? We seemed to fall into the way of in a moment. Once we had tried |we progressed at a tre ic ae rate. Perhaps we are all very clever, ot perhaps it was really easier than it seems in the telling, but looking back | the conversation seems to have been simply brilliant. Well, here’s an idea of how we went | anyway, and you can judge for your- | selves (Davies, you remember, has just | snapped out ‘ Lobster ’’) :— tsa Davies (quick as Shri lightning) m John ” Whiskers. (A very subtle one, this.) Me. Beard. (Rather weak effort.)

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Jury 14, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Weaker received with groans.) Miss Davies (quick as another light- ug). CHARLIE Cnapuin. (Loud cheers ere and laughter, followed by a long pause while Jobn thinks.) At last:— | John, Mary Pickrorpb., Ve (after another pause). DovGias AIRBANKS, Davu und ‘that indicating with a wave of the 4 } There is a slight point while Miss Davies tells her brother | that he is not trying, and he says he} snows he isn't. Miss Davies gets back | on to the track amidst applause, how- * Broken Blossoms.” After this things went on for a long} time, hours and hours I should say. | remember that we mentioned among many subjects of interest sausage- | rolls, horoscopes, hair-pins, Cleopatra’s Needle and lung-wort. I must resist | the temptation to tell the whole ab-| sorbing story in detail, and skip rapidly | to the point where the chase reached | the following interesting stage :— | Miss Davies (still going strong). | Whale. | John (struggling hard but growing weak). Oil. Me (quite innocently). Grease. still ; | it has been forced on him). | we were after D. W. Guirrirns, hold-up at this| NE, Mister.” Davies (triumphantly). MARGARINE 1 looked at Miss Davies in embarrass- ment. Jolm gazed round pitifully. “ But,” he murmured weakly, “isn't | that where we started?” ““Of course it indignantly. ‘You've spoilt the whole game, Arthur.” “Well, I can’t help said her brother; “ l thought that was the word What was it, anyway?” is,” + 9? Iu, We all lool hard. ** Hanved if I know,” said John. ‘I'm sure I don’t,” I said. ‘Well, isn’t that ridiculous?” Miss Davies. ever, With :— | “Of course it is,” brutally; “I knew it from the beginning. You said it quick- ened the mental processes. Would memory be one of them ? 4 was ridiculous ‘ Let ’s go inside and have some tea, | said John. We crept quietly indoors. * Halfway through tea Miss Davies | teaspoon aloft. | waved her We looked at her and saw a great light shining in her eyes. “ Hip — hip — hippopotamus!” she shrieked. We all agreed that Miss Davies had won. ys suddenly said Miss Davies ced at the sky and thought said | said her brother | 242 « | Magnanimity. | There was once a satirical pup Who with newspaper rule was fed up, So he wrote bitter rhymes Which disparaged The Tmxs ut were praised in its weekly Lit. B 2 j Sit} The ¢ dian officials refused to allow her Lat he did not proopse to carry ‘ nal intention tom arry Captain ind the N \ iut horities declined to | vith the C dian decision.” 1 Daily Paper | But what we really want to know is i . ‘ i} where Tom and ’Arry come in. “ New York, Sunday. ] Minnehaha left here yesterday for Londor th fifty crates of American birds and i arse of animals Yr} were carried for the oppossum to n and for the beavers to gnaw.” | Dail Ni thin itures’ | Murror. g is said about the other crea- ag gage, | : ‘ 4 | From the time-table of a Hampshire | motor-service :— ‘The Fare: between any points on an | route will be found where the vertical line of | figures under the name of one of the points ; meets the horizontal line of figures which | terminates in the name of the other of the two | points between which it is desired to travel.” | The Hampshire Hog needs to be a very ‘learned pig.

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Ee ans ee RE Smee ie Fiat Tine OE nine Esothene ie rect SS sae | nee’ wine te Ree AERA sa te ARE Nn 30 PUNCH, OR THE Mother. Margaret. “WE'RE P Mother. “ Bur WHERE'S THE ‘WELL, DARI WHAT ARE YOU LAYING AT WEDDINGS BRIDI THE REEFS. Aut the grim rocks that stand guard about Scilly— Wingletang, Great Smith and Little Granilly, The Barrel of Butter, Dropnose and Hellweather— Started to boast of their conquests together, Of drowned men and gallant, tall vessels laid low While gulls wheeled about them like flurries of snow And green combers romped at them smashing in thunder, Gurgling and booming in caverns down under, Sending their diamond-drops flying in showers. “Oh,” said the reefs, “what a business is ours! Since saints in coracles paddled from Erin (Fishing our waters for sinners and herrin’) And purple-sailed triremes of Hamilco came To the Islands of Tin, we've played at the game, We shattered the galleys of conquering Rome, The galleons of Puinir that scudded for home (The sea-molluses slime on their glittering gear); We plundered the plundering French privateer, We caught the great Indiaman head in the wind And gutted her hold of the treasures of Ind: We sank a whole fleet of three-deckers one night (The drift of the sand keeps their culverins bright), And cloudy tea-clippers that raced from Canton — Swept into our clutches—and never went on. Come steel leviathans scorning disaster We scrapped them as fast—if anything faster. ;ROOM ?” I'm LONDON CHARIVARL, | (Jury 14, 1920, | ; } | } ! | | | | | } THE BRIDE AND Berry's THE BRIDESMAID.” Margaret. “Ou, THIS IS A VERY QUIET WEDDING.” So pick up your pilot and take a cross-bearing, Sound us and chart us from Lion to Tearing, And ring us with lighthouses, day-marks and buoys, The gales are our hunters, the fogs our decoys. We shall not go hungry; we grin and we wait, Black-fanged and foam-drabbled, the wolves at the Gate.” PATLANDER. | | | AWAY TO THE MEADOWS! AtrHouGH the cost of everything is on the rise there are | still a few good things that quite a little money can buy. | One pound, for example—or, if you prefer it, twenty shil- lings—can work wonders by taking (under the auspices ol the Children’s Country Holiday Fund) a London child away from our smoke and grime for a fortnight of country air and surprises, excitements and joys. The Fund (the Hon. Treasurer of which is the Earl, of Arran, 18, Buckingham Street, Strand, London) must not now be restricted because lodgings and railway fares are dearer. Last year the sum asked for each child was just half what is now required; but the increase is necessary. Yet even with the increase it is not great, considering the good that it can do! In spite of all the other claims of the moment upon his readers’ generosity, Mr. Punch trusts that this modest and most excellent ameliorative organisation will not be neglected. still alive or whether she has gone to Canada.” Provincial Paper. Why this “down” on the Dominion ? “The police are divided in their opinions as to whether Mamie is

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TO-DAY. GENEROUS 1 H CHURC CIALLY ESPE FUND.” — ~~ S. SSS weg oo PAN, Qo at . SSS tigk Se 2 - Is BE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juxy 14, 1920. > iY MUST 1 4 4 . 4 | RE Renter at amie PE y : WI RESTORATION re OUR PAL SEE, tos _ ie} eed Wir. i ——- eS il - ME THE PUNCH, OR THEI “LET IS FOR Joun Bout COLLECTION

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viet Sac ERRENRNA ana Nae a " _ — - ~ sro ea mer a REO te _ as saa wt re . ein - EN 1 0 ableathicd gery ee teenh e e e e i . - wpe ii

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( + U ike the ; t Jury 14, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 33 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, July 5th.—When the Ger- mans left Peking after the Boxer Re- bellion they took with them the astro- nomical instruments which had hung for centuries on its walls. How the} Celestial equivalent of Old Moore has managed to translate the message of the irs Without their assistance I cannot but the ¢ appear to be worrying, for, though it was specifically provided at imagine; ac es not od GENEROUS TE w ‘ VW EDGWOOD, APO CoLONEL rsailles that the instruments should 2 returned, China has omitted to sign the Peace Treaty. There the Statesman are t in JOHN REES. msion having been expressed lest France should prohibit the im- portation of silk mourning crépe oinjurean old British industry, “Would it | in his most makings of a gr > ea Some bppre ine quick to suggest a reme ly. ‘he a nsinuating tones, ‘ to tween silk and champagne?” not be possible,’ usked House, which is not yet posed “ Pussyfeet,”’ ipproving cheer, A certain General GoLovin pu iblished g entirely com- of him gave having statements re flecting on Mr. CHURCHILL’s conduct of the campaign in North Russia last year, that section { the House which is always ready to word of any foreigner as against at of any Englishman, particularly English ‘Min ister, at once sumed that the charges were correct. lhe Secrerary or State FoR WAR was in his place, with the light of battle in his eye, ready to meet his enemies in the gate. But by the time Mr. Bonar Law had done with them there was not much left of the charges. So far as the statements were true, he said, they merely repeated what was already ol any as- | i But the | shinese Governme nt | though and} b he Was | have a deal be-| And the} an} familiar to the House. Everybody; knew that the Government was help- | ing the anti-Bolshevik forces last year. | story that Mr. Cuurcnim1 had taken his orders from Admiral Kour- CHAK was both untrue and absurd. He had simply carried out the policy of the Government, a policy which, some hon. Members did | seem. to appreciate it, had now been | altered. Committee on Finance Bill saw the annual assault on the tea duty. ‘We are going to drop this duty directly we are in a position to do so,” said Com- mander Kenworrny, with his eye on the Treasury Bench. ‘“ Who are we ?”’ shouted the ae FO EI and it pre- sently appeared that “ we” did not in- | clude Sir “sonic M ACLEAN, but did | include WerEpDGwoop, who, as | becomes one of his name, was all for a fenerous tea-pot. | Undeterred by his failure over te | Commander Kenwortny next attac ked jars duty on films, complaining inter lala, “Mr. CHarnin taxed twenty | pounds for every thousand feet.” Mr. re HAMBERLAIN defended the tax on gen- eral gro but wisely avoided Mr. Cuartiin's feet, over which it is notori- ously easy to trip. the beer dut one more illusion. the Colonel 1s yunds, The debate on y shattered It is an article of faith with t ‘Wee Frees” that Sir GrorGE YOUNGER is the power behind the scenes, and that Mr. LLoyp GrorGE | is a mere marionette, who only exists to |do his bidding. Yet here was the auto- | crat yud brewer, that the | latest addition to the beer duty was the iggest surprise of his life Tuesday, July 6th,—The Lorp Cuan- CELLOR’s request for leave of absence in rder that he might attend the Spa Sa thence was granted. Lord CrEwr’s remark, that it was “a matter of regret the ‘ confessing, g | that the Government had to depend upon the noble and learned lord for legal assistance,” might perhaps have been less ambiguously worded. At any rate Lord BIRKENHE 1p thought it neces sary to allay any possibl airs pr shensions by adding that he would be accom- panied by the ATTORNEY-GENERAL, The gist of Mr. CourcH1ILL’s compre- hensive reply to allegations of waste at ‘hilwell was that there were not enough sheds to cover all the stores, and that to build additional accommodation would cost more than it would save. There was a pleasant Hibernian flavour about his admission that the goods, “ if they remained in their presentcondition, would, of course, deteriorate.” Who says that D.O.R.A. has out- lived her usefulness ? The Home Secre not | TARY announced that the sale of choco- lates in theatres is still verboten, so \the frugal ‘swain, whose “ best girl” |has a healthy appetite, may breathe |again. Mr. Cryngs, usually so cautious, was in a reckless mood. First he tried to |}move the adjournment over the Goro- |VIN revelations, and was informed by the Speaker that.a report of doubtful authenticity, relating to events that | hs appened over a year ago, could hardly be described as either “urgent ’’ or ‘* definite.” Next, on the Finance Bill, he shocked his temperance colleagues by boldly demanding cheaper beer. But, although he received the powerful support of Admiral Sir R. Haru, he failed to soften the heart of the CHANCELLOR, who de- clared that he must have his increased revenue, and that the beer-drinker must pay his share of it. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN turned a sympathetic ear to the bark of another sea-dog, Admiral Apatr, who sought a reduction of the tax on champagne, and mentioned the horrifying fact that even City Companies were abandoning its consumption. He received the un- expected support more of Lieutenant-Com- der KENWORTHY, } nan LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY GIVES AN INFERIOR IMITATION OF MR. CHARLES CHAPLIN, after their day's work and denounced an impost that would rob a poor man of his‘‘boy.” Eventually the Caancet- Lor agreed to reduce the new ad valorem duty by a third. He might have made the same reduction in the case of cigars but for the declaraticn of a Labour who declared that | Yorkshire mine rs always had a bottle |

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34 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, Thursday, duly sth In the absence of the Lorp CHancetnor the Gas Was the Member that this was becoming man's Budget from top to hottom Wednesday, Never 4 Lord HaLpanr’s power of clear think-| Unprr RCRETARY FOR AIR The wd an has bef “aricn | rth. was | Regulation Bill entrusted to July ng employed to better advantage than | n ingling of

i satistied we now | therefore appointed Committees to in

fluny 14, 1920, asked point blank whether he wag the reduction In tue bureaucracy during the last six in aid with replied that he was no

in his lucid exposition of the Duplicands been known to produce an explosion, | vestigate the stalls In seven of the and Feu-duties (Scotland) Bill. I would | | Departments. The number is unfortu not like to assert positively that all the | | nately suggestive | Peors present fully grasped the mo \\y ‘Tf seven maids with seven moj mentous fact that a duplicand was a} ~~» Swept it for half a yea ‘easualty”’ and might be sometimes | Deo y ~ 1 the Walr twice the feu-duty and someting hree th r * times that amount; but they unde And we know what the Carpe te) 10> | stood enough to agree that 1 was a )) ' very fearful wild-fowl and ought to be > if ai unnecessary mmount of heat } restrained by lav engendered by the del on | After this piquant hovs-d'« re the General Dy ns case the fault 1 lye settled down to a solid joint of national partly attributed to the INDIAN Serer finance, laid before them by Lord Mron rARY 8 Opening speech, “Come lou | ron, I am afraid they would have for thou art early up Line found it rather indigestible but for the rom. one ot the ine pol aut Cues sance pi wwided by Lord IncHcarg, wh | SHAKSPEARI but early risit al was positively skittish in his comments | We it ninster as elsewhere, is not ay ipon the extravagance of the Govern. | }< aducive to good temper, | nent, and on one occasion even in Members who thi ught with Sir Mp | duleed in a pun. In his view t vVarp Carson that General Dv had Ministry of ‘Transport was an entirely t been fairly treated resented Mr, | superfluous er ation, solely arising out MonTAGu’s insinuati thriat i that of the supposed necessity of finding a} ise they were condoning * frightful new job for Sir Enric Guppes. I sup | 3° Mr. Caurcuinn was more judie po e the Pamme Minister said, “ Here us, and Mr. Bonar Law did level i juare peg, look vou; let us dis st to kee p ins { llowers In t (ioy- | hole round it.” nment Lobby. But Sir A. Huser The Lonp CHANCELLOR'S reply | ‘ i ieED UI y TA \VESTON 8 reminder that by the iu uc rous but notaltocgether t , }tions issued by the civil auth ! to |} i adescription ol the Gove nent 1} | General Dyrr he was ordered { Ise | i xly of harassed and any Is ¢ ) » At (MAM ll force necessary No gathering of | mists did not altogether tally ' i | ons nor procession of any vill | subsequent picture of the CHANCELLOR | poy on ¢ eeasion Tord Loxnox- |: illowed, All gatherings will be fired | or THE Exe HHQUER “ alway , , DERRY ftly handled his material on confirmed them in the view that D posals iol expenditure made by nol ngle Peer obiected to the the GENERAL Was being made a scape colleagues in the Cabinet, Despit Reon M, ; ivoat. No fewer than 129 voted avainst a bes sag he 1 ae P _ Lord The proceedings in the Lower H ithe Government, whose rnin ye rity uld Vi IDLETON 8 motion by »\ be : » tively Mr. Sranro ave been very minute but for the} the Commons mace t propre | sstance of its usual foes, the Wee | h the Finance Bill, though t l'rees " and Labourite , good deal of justifiable eri Y eiaen Lait eainbiaia phraseology. The Srererrary « PHI o f . | S| ee ee oe ee Treasury admitted that there was « ire in a University in which thore not clause of which he did not un ly complete relig niolerance | ni » word, but wisely refused to spec plete religious equa Local Laps if Colonel Wrpawoop adva ced the | | Poor old Oxford! till the home of | remarkable proposition that‘ the wor) | / lost causes ’ apparently ers in the long run pay all the taxes,’ | Few st (1 ; a bul did not jump at ( aptain MLLiort / fammthiar * seer that of the cabby whe revarding suggest n that in that case it w ld / | hin dey off ea ane of his indlapateble righiasl save troubie il the CHANCELLOR were t Wf) ispent it each week in riding about the ¢ ty | levy ull the ta nthe working-cla 3e8 | | vith a fellow cabby in d { keep h " me | direct Wher ked to extend furthe | } pa Sunday Pape | relief to charities Mr. CHampent.ar | That ’s why they called him a busman | soughtadefinition of “charity.”” Would nd his holiday a busman’s holida | } ! i i it apply, for example, to * the soclahion . : | Do you remember the sad fate of a tain | of a small number of gentlemen in dis- | -— abe MaACUSI distinguished host« who found herself at tress obeying the law of self-preserva- | threatened that there would bea general | !duight left with only a few hogs and rly | tion in the face of world-forees which | 5 ! to entertain her pretty girl guests, and the | rike of Members of Parliament unless cir salarie but Mr, ONAR LAW seemed to be more amused than alarmed at the prospect re MxXcHRevER was threaten to sweep them out of exist- | t ence Il seem to hear Mr. Wilkins | Micawher reply, “ The answer is in the aflirmative. were increased CHANCELLA R O} The| The ripping property of tusks idden « or rent tiiat me rush to the cloakroom f{ pide I mending Keven known,

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| re | | rang | right | he City n com> | i } = bik ' corte elf | ' ry | snd the | Jury 14, 1920.) VAR-BASTERN \ RETURNING ENGLISH, circumnavigator re ports that the passengers on the boat a Japanese liner— coming from Yoko una to Honolulu were apprised of the } t fact that they were to have two Thurs lays, one linmediately following the her (and you can have no notion how long a second Thursday can be), wing to the crossing of the imaginary but very boring line which divides the two hemispheres. The official notice came from the captain's own hand, The ship had an American purser and in American chief steward, and there were many English on board, but the i gallant little commander preferred to tackle the linguistic problem unaided On Wednesday, therefore, the board had this announcement pinned to it \s she will be crossed the meridian of 180 to-morrow, so to-morrow again, ; Could, after the first blow, anvthing be clearer ? Meanwhile from Siam come the glad ‘ , . ; : | ludings that the British residents in| When he comes out (if there is any | PUNCH,

| } | | j j

Bangkok are to have a new paper. | truth in Boswrts.) he will make a pun. | OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Me 35

- 4 Vii », =) " ily ba * mM Va » re y JN iH} Art 1} . ~ tees “ aude! bn ho had — 1 guil |} Maximum Weight Minimum Performance yesterday to stealing a wallet, was sentenced Trade Pancr ” (ble ft . to three months’ hard labour, | 3 ; U ' Evening Paper | “Reason and instinet dictate the amoking bins per. |

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E Bi é : oy i j Hg J ; a i 4 j 4 7 | ne 4 ; { ¥ eS yh yt i A a 6S i x i 6 isn a 5 : f ¢ ( i 44 i | i] : : EY | ‘ & i = a y F Li ‘ 3 & 4 a i

| 36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JuLty 14, 1920,

— ’ . | sale > his arrs 3 j | mer began in real earnest. — We got in| and we know his arrangements in case OUR PASTORAL. lextra gardeners, worked like niggers|of rain. They're the only arrange- . if . } ; : ia ne ; ae o. : ape i | «furnoa, Melbuish,” I said, “ after | ourselves, and when the turf was in per- ments possible in our little village, and | all you had ideal weather for your Mid-| fect condition and the thyme was|it’s going to be a nightmare instead of . | . yy ’ . : , arr | summer Night's Dream yesterday.” |coming up on Titania’s bank we fixed |a dream if they have to be carried out.

| Jdeal,” said Melhuish moodily. “Really, if you'd picked the day 1¢| | couldn’t have been better. You want} peculiar atmospheric conditions for a) pastoral, don’t you ? Just enough sun, | not too much wind, temperature con: | | genial for sitting out-of-doors. You had | ‘em all,” Melhuish nodded. “Your garden must be looking like| fairyland too now with the roses out | and the trees in all their full summer greenery.” He nodded again. | seemed to know their own minds even the date and billed the county. « After that we all got nervous and went about consulting weather fore- casts. Old Moore prophesied heavy rains. The Daily Mail said a cyclone from New York was on the way. The weather - glasses jumped about and less than usual. Three days before the | date thunderstorms were reported all | over the country and a fowl was struck by lightning. But not a drop of rain came to our village.

“What a setting for j the Dream! It drew a crowd, of course?” “Yes, we drew the| | county.” | | I sighed regre tfully. | | « How I wish I hadu’t | | funked it, but with my | | lumbago I never dare | | risk damp grass and it looked so awfully like | rain in the morning.” | Melhuish suddenly | | got excited. ‘Lo ked | | like rain!” he said vio- | lently. “It did rain. | | It rained several drops. | I never saw such drops, Per- haps you didn’t hear the thunder?’’ | “My dear bean,” I said, “it was the thun- | der which put me vod ; Profiteer. = | coming to see you <b Hcg ey | Bottom and Mrs. Mel- as big as saucers | huish as Zitanza in the most idyllic | before the performance we debated the | | surroundings I can imagine.” | “ You wouldn’t have seen us in ar idyllic surroundings,” said Melhuis! He had relapsed into moodiness again. | I could see there was something serious | What happened, old friend?” gently. I said | glorious spell of sunshine in the spring, when the garden was a carpet of daffo- dils and it was a sheer joy to play about out-of-doors. Then the weather broke | for a time and we migrated to the Parish Hall. You know our Parish Hall?” | “Quite well. A little tin place on the | left from the rectory.” | “That’s it. It’s gota platform on | trestles at one end and a paraffin lamp | | |

in the middle. The Vicar placed it at our disposal when there wasn’t a Women’s Institute or a choir practice, j and on chilly nights he had the ‘ Bea- | trice stove’ lit for us. Then the Sum 1y | i. ' .;against any fool barometer. “We began rehearsing during that | “At the dress-rehearsal the night But we can depend upon Bottom to make a wise decision. He'll notify us and the boy-scouts will notify the audience. All we’ve got to do is not to grouse.’ “Cocklewhite said he would phone me the position of his leech at 9 a.m., and Lysander promised to report any change in the condition of the seaweed. I set our glass and Titania and I got | up at half-hour intervals during the night and tappedit. 1t refused to budge either way. “At dawn Titania looked out of the

WANT YOl I PAINT ME WITH A BOOK IN UNOBTRUSIVELY IN THE BACKGROUND IN CASI MY 'AND AND MY | window and gave a wild cry. ‘Red sky in the morning shepherds’ warning,’ she wailed. At breakfast Cockle- white phoned that his leech was dead, and he had strong suspicions it had died from atmo- spheric pressure. Al- most at the same j}moment Lysander sent word that his seaweed had gone clammy dur- ing the night. Half- jan-hour later came a clap of thunder and the drops of rain I men- tioned. I needn't go lon. You can guess the i rest.” Melhuish paused. “But the perform- ance came off, didn't it?” I said.

: | MIGHT WISH

| weather prospects until the moon rose. Lysander said his bit of seaweed which | he brought from Bognor was as dry as |parched peas and he would back it Cockle- | white, our prompter, said he didn’t want |to depress the company, but he had a leech in a bottle of water which rose for | fine weather and sank for wet, and he ; was bound to tell us it was like lead at the bottom at the present moment. | Hermia pointed to the heavens, ‘ Red sky at night shepherds’ delight,’ she |quoted, There was no getting aw ay from t | they were nose- he swallows: diving to a bird. ‘Hang swallows,’ | Oberon said ; ‘put your trust in mos- | quite es. Look at my eyelid.’ Se It’s no good talking,’ Theseus | Said; ‘nobody can tell until the morn- jing, and then it'll be up to Bottom to |decide by 11.30 whether it’s to be in- |doors or out. He's our stage-manager ; “Yes, in the Parish |Hall. It was a perfect day for a | pastoral,” }

A Clean Hitter. “J. —— carried his innings.”—Scotch Paper.

bath through the “Fishing near the bridge on Monday a schoolboy caught a chub with artificial fly weighing 2lbs. 150zs.”——Local Paper. | It is supposed that the unfortunate fish | was struck on the head and stunned.

“After long delays a new Polish Cabinet has been formed under Mr. Grabski. He would annex much Russian territory outright.” Weekly Paper. Pace SHaksprare, there would seem to be something in a name. “THat QUEER Fish THe SALMON. Some fish are ‘takers,’ some are not, but most salmon can be worried into talking.” Daily Paper. Whereas most fishermen chatter of their own accord.

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; has ould n to , but er. espa Bae sagt Jery 14, 1920.) PUNCH, OR TH E LONDON CHARIVARI UP NICELY—WHAT?” HARDING AND COX, (Being an inquiry into the two Candidates for the Presidency of the United States of America.) I wisu I knew some facts regarding The private life of Mr. Harvine ; I wish that I had simply stocks Of anecdotes of Mr. Cox. In U.S.A. (where both are resident And each one hoping to be President) Their favourite hymns, their size in boots, Their views on liquor and cheroots Are known to all; not Junius Ca/sar Is quite so much renowned as these are. In England, where they do not dwell, No one appears to know them well. One cannot say if Cox’s liver Keeps well upon the Swanee River, Nor whether Harprxe finds, when glum, Any relief in chewing gum. It may be that they both have good rows Of dental ornaments like Wooprow’s, The waist of Tarr, the RoosEvELT eye For pinking hippopotami. It may be Harprne had some flickers Of CLeveLanp’s spirit whilst in knickers, And Cox while yet a puling babe Dreamed tiny dreams of Lincoin (ABE); And both, although they knew they'd catch it, Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet ; Both may have been, when glorious youths, Too proud to fight or tell untruths. | | of I cannot say. I know they wrangle On points 1 dare not disentangle, That one of them ’s a Democrat And t’ other ’s not. And that is that, fowlin GEE On the upper floors of a shop in the Strand, between | Wellington Street and the Savoy, is a well-known maker g-pieces, who gave me a terrible start the other |day; and probably not me alone, but many passers-by who | chanced to look upwards at his windows. For he is at the moment advertising the most undesirable article in the | world, a commodity for which I can conceive of no demand | whatever. Yet there—the result of the caprice of adhesive cement or the desire of one letter of the alphabet to get level with its neighbour and be dropped too—the amazing notice is, in conspicuous white enamel :— ve | 4. SECOND HAND UNS. The Domest ic Problem Solved. “A Lady wishes to meet with a gentleman or lady to share her home as sole paying guest ; one with a hobby for gardening preferred ; every home comfort ; terms, £300 per annum.”—Sunday Paper. “The Hindus and Mahomedans are the two eyes of India, but have | long been engaged in a tug-of-war. have suffered, but now the wall of separation is broken down, and they | are coming together like sugar and milk, the bitter feelings between | them having been pulled out like a thorn. up biting each other for the future.”—Indian Paper. Or our contemporary wi metaphors. On account of this cleavage both EVor, We are desirous of entertaining, on the same terms, a lady (or gentleman) with a penchant for cooking and washing-up. | | They are advised to give | ll have exhausted its stock of

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a Seep =: Re ae ee Rin ee Iara aR RS Prints oe ue sense Meh gs eee otis ee An aged Spagna se ee Sota eae Ft Re Na | clock and it had stopped. a oe ee 38 A STORY ABOUT A CLOCK Ovr move-in took place in no furtive andestine our installation of ourselves in our semi-deta pe rformed well under the eye of the or cl fashion; ched was neighbouring public. Our furniture waited on the public thoroughfare until our new home was ready to receive it Small children played games on our sofa; enthusiastic acquaintances played tunes on our piano. In a a loc ul festiv: ul; took part. This is the man who took t! the clock. If the hard cho Diana least cl ck, word, our move-in Was everyone sad tale of the ce had been put t Say which she could sorrowfully part with, the clock would have stayed. | I had bewn put to the same alternative as to Diana or tl Diana would have gone. In fact, the clock out. That was mall ¢] enthusiastic acc my wite, to ne or the dismal 1e clock, | directly | was safely in Diana had all she cared about ; might play on > e ore, juaintances might pla und I might toil unrem t- thing else, for all Diana In, out she gone on the piano ' ngiy with every cared So, the clock being ent upon her lawful or unlawful pur poses \ departed he said some-| man ever came into the house while | | thing about my seeing to the clock. | a8 shifting the furniture in from the] I remembered that later on, but I re-| street. And, if you want to know, I membered 1 ng This is how [| ne ver had a cl k nor a Wie . lid it } nor a hot The man sat a little on my own | I} me fact of my p ending that Spec il I that t eon the pave i ther 1 eh thir 34 semi-detacheds ment) before he came ir I asked him | for people to move into these davs what he w ng there lor He g rt | ught to have put you wise from the} ip and cau side. Then I asked him | start that the whole tale was a fabri what he had come in for, and he! cation. said, “The clock I looked at the} | gave it a till stopped. He was no good shaking it; the y an noyed it. He said he had come to look ufter it. Hy then took coat, shake, and it olf his hat and his moved the fingers about ears to it to he ar its he asl ced me W y I said I hadn't been doing anythir to it he watched me doing th neg to everything else, and adopted an ex pression as if to say he didn’t belie me. He gave me the feeling tha a very inter didn't want to have anything more to do with me He said he should have to take the I asked him when he would bring it back. He said he didn’t know. & pessimistic view of it, | cheerfully if he would back. gave me a contemptuous | look and, without another word, taking the clock with him. Whe m Diana came back she asked where the clock was. I said it had art beating, and I had been do ng to it. fering person, an i that ! laa clock away, I asked him ever bring it went, | 1 said I d 1@ most expensive part) nes it} (By ul | 37 inhy He appeared to take | _PUN NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. asked Diana the man had ‘asked Diana, where ? know; gone “Gone in t taken it. “ What man? I was trying to move the sofa at the moment and I was inclined to be short spoken I said that the man who had taken it was, no doubt, the man whom Diana had gone forth to find and bid take away r clock. Diana said tha if the man had said that she had said td our clock away, Had the man said hat she had said he might take the T was in the was a liar. clock away ne answer gative Then the truth emerged. The man had stolen our clock. I had assisted the man to steal our clock, helping him to lift it off its perch and handing him nis bowler nay a he left. doesn't it ? admit, [ am sure, that it nere dible, tich could quite easily hap- pen to anyone, Isn't it? 'o be quite frank, 1 have improved | the story a bit. The clock wasn’t really stolen Was the man really taking it away to it? No; to tell you the truth idn't actually take it might away at all. as well own that no CURES WORTH MAKING. Medica Ei rpert , in its daily summary of Advertisements ' the who | The Tin i‘* News In recently appe al of an ‘will be glad to > calied attention to aslided of! cer ive a hundred pounds to any doctor, } rt hospital that can cure him ot oce ipation neurosis and | 3] writer's cramp A careful study of | ther newsp pers shows that offers of | | har me remuneration for cures are ned to those who have suf- fered from the War, but are made by civilians and officials of the highest | position in public life. We append a f w outstanding examples of the splen did opportunities now provided to psych =} ithological specialists —~ \ Cabinet Minister of massive phy- sique, pertect movable deter self-confidence and im- mination, who has had varied experience in different business i ullings and (up to a certain point) un varying offers five thousand | pounds to any professor of f deportment SUCCESS, | ox met are r ‘of the ‘Old } » 1920, {JuLy Nobi lity in re- duced circumstances who will impart to him suavity ca manner, tact and }| diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the als obstacle to his 1| achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed in making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will be doubled. \n Editor of thirty years’ experience as a journalist, first-rate linguist, deeply | versed in geography, C lanben! Muropean polities, ete., will give five hundred | pounds to any ments ul specialist, regis i tered or unregistered, who will cure irresistible temptation on all occasions, with or without provoca- tion, to utilise every incident, rence, calamity or disaster as a means of assailing and undermining the posi- tion of the Coalition Government in general and the Prime Minister in particular. A Member of Parliament, formerly attached to one of His Majesty's vices, is prepared to offer fifty pounds to any phrenologist who without in flicting undue pain will reduce or re move the Bump of Curiosity which at ihim of an occur- Ser- reason to bombard Ministers with irre levant questions contrary to the public | interest and calculates |} Maximum d to produce the amount of irritation | amongst Members who sit side of the House. even ou the sume } A Peer of great wealth, striking | physiogn NY, affectionate disposition | and wonderful general knowledge will pay the sum of t wenty thousand pounds psychiatric practitioner ucceeds 1n eliminating fre the microbe of filmolat of which have latter! infect his monument: al mind with trionic monomania highly deleterious to the best interests of the community. A neo- poet, disciple of reup, pacificist and vegetarian, will gladly pay five pounds to any psycho- pathic suggestionist who will extirpate from his subconsciousness the lingering relics of an antipathy to syncopated rhythms which retard his progress to- vards a complete mastery of the tech- nique of amorphous bombination, }to any who ym hig system ry, the ravages threatener . tio Georgian Another ‘‘ Substitute.” ‘For the first time on record snow has fallen at Albany, Western Australia lhe Food Ministry announces that this sur plus will therefore be available for home jam making.”—Provincial Paper “The Roman poets, all of them inveterate Cockneys, talk of the joys of the country, of purling streams and lowing kine and frisking lamps ~ Weekly Paper them. present impels him without rhyme or | And their verses oc casionally smell of |

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| Jury 14, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 39

iif HW hi | ii | i} if Ww ity i} i ll i ean wire eng eat — Go $- a ’ , Mg b oor GTI powstt Mrnntiie ‘ VHD DT pa —e— \\ ; ee I \ Nps = 4 — i wis Ko 7 ti aa Yh Pls SS ll Om ne ee = fr\ se Ke a —— | a A |’ Ses \ — RS: <L- ny ' WD wyypuyyavn nanan Wann |

(By Mr, Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) Rescue (Dent) is a story in the authentic manner of Mr. I was inclined to flatter myself that nothing in the plot JosErH Conrab at his unapproachable best. If it is true,| of The Silver Tea-shop (SvANLey Pauw) could possibly take as one has heard, that the book was begun twenty-five ~ by surprise, but I found towards the end that Miss years ago and resumed lately, this explains but does nothing | E. Evererr Green had contrived to slip in the real villain all to minimize a fact upon which we can all congratulate our nenspected while I, as she meant me to, was staring hard selves. The setting is the shallow seas of the Malay coast, | at the supposed one, so that there 1 must acknowledge myself where Lingard, an adventurer (most typically ( JONRAD) | defeated. With a stolen invention, an old gentleman found whose passion in life is love for his brig, has pledged him-|shot in his room, and a son under a vow to avenge. his elf to aid an exiled young Rajah in the recovery of his | father, the story provides plenty of thrills, and the “ Silver rights. At the last moment however, when his plans are|Tea-shop”’ itself has the fascination that business ventures at point of action, the whole scheme is thwarted by the|in books often exercise. It seems to be run on such lavish stranding of a private yacht containing certain persons| lines for the prices charged that I found myself looking

whose rescue (complicated by his sudden subjection to the| hungrily for its address. I wish the author had not re- | woman of the party) eventually involves Lingard in the loss | ferred to her hero as having “ mobile digits” and burdened of fortune and credit. Perhaps you can suppose what Mr. | her ingenuous story with anything s0 important as a pro- | Conrap makes of a theme so congenial ; how the tale moves | logue. By mi aking the villain’s deserted offspring not one under his hand in what was once well called that “smoky | baby girl ‘only, or even twins, but triplets, Miss Everrrr | magnificence "’ of atmosphere, just permitting the reader to| Green provides waitresses all of one family for the “ Silver | observe at any moment so much and no more of its direction. | Tea-shop,” and that, though a happy arrangement, is a little Of the style it would now be superfluous to speak. It has} toouncommontoadd to thelikelihood of an unconvincing tale, been given to Mr. Conran, working in what is originally a foreign medium, to use it with a dignity unsurpassed by When a book is succinetly labelled Love Stories (Doran), any of our native craftsmen. Such phrases as (of the pru-|at least no one has any right to complain that he wasn’t dent mate remonstrating with Lingard): ** What he really | warned beforehand of the character of its contents. Asa wanted was to have his existence left intact, for his own| matter of fact, human nature being what it is, I have little cherishing and pride;"’ or again, “The situation was too| doubt. that Mrs. Mary Ronerts Rinenart has hit upon a complicated to be entrusted to a cynical or shameless | distinctly profitable title. Indeed | believe that this has | hope,” give one the quick pleasure of words so delicately | already been proved in the Land of Freedom, from which the | and deftly used as to seem newly coined. Rescue, in short,| work comes to us, where (1 am given to understand) the | 18 probably the greatest novel of the year, one by which! vogue of sontinentat fiction is even on iter than with our-

| | Prospective Mistress. “ARE YOU A CONSISTENTLY EARLY RISER?” Maid. “Nor ane! Why, Mum, IN MY LAST PLACE THE MASTER'S PET NAME FOR MB WAS ‘THE EARLY wWorm.’” ° sone arena: na es its author has again enriched our literature with ‘wank of | 4 } OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, profound and moving quality.

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Boe kee SU NES en Bes STN | i } F che mae Ae ie mala ries Tia UE VATE SAAR AE eae GEA SA, RG EU TPA RNG PPA D+ aes Sere i } | i | i | selves. What the name does nothing to indicate is that the stories are almost all of them laid in or about hospital wards. For some, perhaps most, of the author's admirers this may serve only to increase the charm; for others, who prefer | their romance unflavoured with iodoform, not. Undeniable 0” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | {Juny 14, 1920, o oe | labour, but here it is perhaps out of place. His Mr. 7’re- venna, the mystical parson, friend of smugglers and of everyone who suffered from laws (unrighteous or righteous), is a great figure; and I shall not soon forget either his correspondence with Lady Evangeline Walrond or his super. | human kindliness of heart. If you want to get at the true | that she has a smiling way with her, and a gift of sympa- thetic enjoyment that carries off the old, old dialogues, even | flavour of Cornwall you have only to open The North Door, | imparting freshness to the tale of the patient 7 ertremis who persuades his attractive nurse into a death-bed mar riage, treatment that the slightest experience of fiction|a missionary to India, Perhaps | should have warned her to be invariably curative. the best of the tales is “‘ Jane,’ which tells very amusingly the results of a hospital strike that in actual life would, I imagine, have provided little humorous relief. By this time you may have gathered that what matters about RINEHART is not what she says but the way that she says it upon which hint you can act as fancy dictates I very distinetly feel that “* KarHarine Tynan” could have made a first-rate novel of Denys the Dreamer (CoLuLins) and have had plenty over for a good second if she had taken the! trouble. But her fluent 1 1 —_ with | | pen runs aw Ly paths that ere it parti- | cular, instead of de- | veloping el main | rs and situa- | 4 tions to an intelligible and satisfactory point. Denys is of a [rish family that has he aowl lead now! charact« ventie come down to very small farming. He dreams good, solid and rather Anglo- Saxon dreams of draining bogs on the sea-coast estates of Lord Lee mane, whose agent he becomes and whose daughter he loves from aia I a cthaieteictent great port that is to rival Belfast. Unexpected, not to say incredible, assistance comes from a Jew money-lender and his wife. The portraits of Mr. and best Mrs 1a) are the things in the book, and I hope Mrs. Hinkson will make a novel about these two admirable people so soon. e day Mrs. | Denys makes his own and his patron’s fortune and| A young clerk in an insurance office, who wanted to go as is the hero, if there is one, of Mrs. | ALICE Pi RRIN'S latest novel, The Vow of Silence (CASSELL) | 1 have never read*a book about India which made such an | |ambition seem more courageous, for it gives such a hot and | |thirsty picture of that country when Harold Williams | at last at it is positively uncomfortable to | fread it in Summet Harold and his brother and | sister missionaries live in a state of stuffy discomfort which lsoon undermines his health and leaves him | against the charms of Elaine Taverner, who has a jlarge cool drawing-room and dainty frocks, and a young soldier lover and an old seholar husband, and all the othe: reaches it tl weather. no defence ~\things we expect of hifi aoys | (es pretty young women A Hihewe) in Anglo - Indian | novels. Poor Harold, | consumed at once by | a zeal which makes him long to. save Hlaine 8 soul and a passion which makes | him embrace a parcel of h “1 naturally remains of his reason | and paves the way | for her marriage with lingerie, very loses the her love by ob) pingiy {pushing the elderly husband into the jaws | of a crocodile. If it | were more convincing ORIGIN ALI WAITER. AS YOU CAR 8 | it would be a painful eas alae S. i story—in some hands might have been a great one; as it is, Mrs. Perrin seeins for once to have missed her opportunity. | WSIRD lf the publisher of About Jt And About had told me on |the wrapper that Mr. D. WittovGupy has an excellent fund of literary reminiscence, on which he draws for the l - sure lives happily ever after with Hawn, who is the| modelling of a very pretty epigrammatical style, I should palest wraith of a girl, owing to the shameful neglect erjaiter reading the book, have agreed with him heartily. author, who is too busy putting large sums of mone the pockets of the principal puppets Coast of Ireland story a demoralisin is going about ; Indeed, 10 1 West The principal scenes of The Norti laid in the Cornwall of some hundred-and-th and 1 welcome Dr. Grevitte Macponaup as an i the Cornis} an expert in r. Cornwall, as all language and characte | Teaders of fiction know, has during the last few years beer | attacked again and again by novelists, and most oi | would do well to study Dr. Macponatp's romance and most | thoroughly to digest it, little to teach them, for his book is very indifferently con- | structed. It may seem ungrateful in these rather skimpy days to complain of a surfeit of matter, bat there is stuff in this book for two if not three novels. One cannot blame Dr. Macponxap for his indignation at the miseries of child- y into | What Mr. T. AG mount ol n icy Voor (CONSTABLE) are Liirty years ago, them In form, however, he will have Fisher Unwin does say about these short | essays, which embrace most of the subjects on which people have violent opinions, is that the author's “ point of view is that of the natural historian making an unprejudiced | examination.’” An unprejudiced man, I| take it, is a man | whose sentiments are the same as mine, and I happen to disagree with Mr. WiLLouGHry as profoundly as possible on several of the themes he has chosen. On fox-hunting, for instance, which he considers a more decadent sport than } bull-fighting ; and on Ulster, which he attacks bitterly by comparison with the rest of Ireland, for cherishing anti- quated political animosities and talking about the Battle of the Boyne. But will Mr. WrtLoverny not have been hear- jing of “the curse of Cromweti”? Let us rather agree to |be impatient with Yorkshire for her absurd tranquillity with regard to Winuiam THE First. I repeat that Mr. WILLoucHpy has a very clever style, but, bless his heart | he is as bigoted as [ am myself. ner

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ep on lent the yuld tily. hort ople yieW iced | nan } n to le on ; for than y by unti- le of ear- pe tO illity Mr. eart

Jury 21, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 41

CHARIVARIA. To judge by the Spa Conference it looks as if we might be going to have a peace to end peace. * > It will soon be necessary for the Gov- ernment to arrange an old-age pension scheme for Peace Conference delegates. [tis ditticult to know whom or what to blame for the exceptionally wet weather we have been having, says an evening paper. Pending a denial from Mr. Luoyp GrorGe, The Times has its own opinion as to who is at the bottom of it. Mr. Stanton pointed out in the House

A West Riding paper states that a postman picked up a pound Treasury note last week. It is said that he intends to have it valued by an expert. + * An engineer suggests that all roads might be made of rubber. For pedes- trians who are knocked down by motor- cars the resilience of this material would be a great boon. *” According to The Evening News a bishop was seen the other day passing the House of Commons smoking a briar pipe. We can only suppose that he did not recognise the House of Commons, ~: “ We can find work for everybody and

A pedestrian knocked down by a taxi in Oxford Street last Tuesday managed to regain his feet only to be again bowled over by a motor-bus. Lackily, however, noticing a third vehicle stand- ing by to complete the job, the unfor- tunate fellow had the presence of mind to remain on the ground. According to a local paper cat-skins are worth about 54d. each. Of course it must be plainly understood that the accuracy of this estimate is not ad- mitted by the cats themselves. * ‘re ” b “Too much room is taken up by motor-vehicles when turning corners,” declares a weekly journal. This is

f Commons that, un- r less increased salaries | ire given to Members, | there will be a strike. | Fears are entertained, | however, that a settle-| ment will be reached. | i “The Derry shirt- cutters,” says a news item, “ have decided to | eontinueto strike.’ The } Derry throat-cutters, on | the other hand, have} postponed striking to a more favourable oppor- trot bUnITY. * The way to bring | down the price of home killed meat, the Minis- try of Food announces oflicially, is for the pub- lie not to buy it. You | can’t have your cheap food and eat it. ) \ \1S THE WAY Harborough Rocks, L ¢ \\Ny em <a First Indian Cinef (of travelling s BACK TO Second Ditto. * 4 tow). “ BRorTueR BRLLOWING = THE CIRCUS. I know not. Ler ts Ask

+-Papoost THIS PALEFACE.”’ rr ja most unfair charge jagainst those self-re- ~ | specting motorists who | negotiate all corners on ithe two inside wheels | only. i * | An American named | J. Tuomas Loonry has | written a book to prove jthat SHAKSPEARE was really the Earl of Ox- ForD. We cannot help thinking that S#Hax- SPEARE, who went out of his way to prove that Ophelia was one of the original Looneys, has brought this on himself.

Fashionable Paris- |ians, Says ®& correspon- dent, have decided that the correct thing this | year is to be invited to WHICH Scotland for July. It i}may be correct, but it _______ won't be an easy matter

one of the few Druid Circles in the kingdom, has been sold. Heading-for- the-Rocks, the famous Druid Circle at Westminster, has also been sold on several occasions by the Chief Wizard. A gossip writer states that he saw a | man carrying two artificial legs while travelling in a Tube train. There is nothing like being prepared for all emergencies while travelling. “The ex- Kaiser,” journal, ‘* makes his own clothes to pass | the time away.” This is better than | his old hobby of making wars to pass other people's time away. : + . * . p rr | “ Danger of infection from Treasury hotes, says The Weekli Dispatch, | “has been exaggerated.” . Whenever ; We see a germ on one of our notes we pat iton the back and tell it to lie down. says an American |

everything,’ says a Chicago journal. But what about corkscrews ? 7 * How strong is the force of habit was illustrated at Liverpool Docks the other day when two Americans, on reaching our shores, immediately fainted, and only recovered when it was explained that spirits were not sold here solely for medical purposes. «“ Watches are often affeeted by elec- trical storms such as we have experi- enced of late,” states a scienee journal. Only yesterday we heard of a plumber and his mate who arrived at a jo simultaneously. * We sympathise with the unfortunate hotsewife who cannot obtain a servant because her reference is considered un- satisfactory. It appears she was only six weeks with her last maid.

if we know our Scotland. American women-bathers with an in- clination to embonpoint, it is stated, have taken to painting dimples on their knees. The report that a fashionable New Yorker who does not eare for the water has created the necessary illusion by having a lobster painted on her toe is probably premature. ‘ A Bridgewater, Somerset, man of ‘eighty (or octogeranium) has caneelled ihis wedding on the morning of the | ceremony. that kind and he will end up by being ia bachelor.

| There was a young lady of Beccles Whose face was infested with freckles, But nobody saw Any fatial flaw, For she had an abundance of shekels.

VOL. CLIN

le

A few more exhibitions of |

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— PUNCI THE GRASSHOPPER. 1] } i tas > Animal Kingdom may be divided

Pr . nto creatures which one can teed and creacvures which one cannot feed An ll als ch one cannot le ] ire nearly always unsatisfactory ; and t grasshopper is no excepto! Any who us tried leeding a grasshop} will agree with me. Yet he is one of the st interesting of British creatures. The / Britann is as terse and s ple as everat t “Grassh¢ ppers tsays, “are specially remarkable for their sal- tatory powers, due to the great devel ment of the hind legs ; and also for the striduiat I Ww ci is not ali Lys I attribute the male only I ns late grass ppers have a ! I hopping ‘saitatory | ers i Coit cy sul It Ss ¢ 3 t t € grasshop} stridulates by { c back legs together; but sis not the case For ne thing | ive trie t mvysell and riled i& e al noise; and for another, after « 1uSs t observa ns, I ive established lact that, t ch he does! ve S legs eve time he stridulates, / w@gs a i i éa ther, N $ a se \ ot I ct 4 n i at * i I friction between two back legs back legs are not touching words the grasshopper does his back legs together to pri ulatior , to put it quite short does not rub bis back legs tog lu aii, 1 } pe I have ma S quite clear. If not, a more cetaliledt t ment will be found in the | | I read to the Royal society 19: ’ | } ] Nevertieless 1 have always felt that

there was something fishy about t grasshopper s back legs I me should he wave his back legs about when he is stridulating M theory 1s t ij IS pureiy ad tine nervous excilement produced by the act of singir The same phenome can be observed in many singers public speakers. I do not think my

self that we need seek ior a nix re elab ate hyp thesis. The } peda i rita ~ f course Says ‘the stridulati nor s ng in the diid IS pre iced by friction of t hind legs against portions of th os or wing-covers Dutt 1b 1S . S t of statement whic the s ‘ thinks he can pass off on t pu with impunity Considering t st dulation takes place abc every ft seconds, I calculate that ti crass- hopper must require a new set of wings every ten days. It would be more i: keeping w the traditions of

public life if the scientific man sin ply L OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ec eB [Jury 21, 1920, |

confessed that he was baffled by this|thought that Lord Norrucuiirre had ’ } ' the @ isshopper s back legs. | forgotten about the crassh¢ pper, and Yet, as I have said, if a public speaker | then, when Mr. Luoyp GrorcE was ip mav fidget with his back legs while heja hole, Lord NORTHCLIFFE said, * Now s st i g, why not a pul lie grass- | we ll see if I am a grass} opper 01 not,” pm [The more 1 see of science and started stridulating at hig speed t e. strikes me as larce ribout Mr. Liuoyp GEORGE. \ crude stitic st ion. But if it were true it would But | t to have mentioned that | n the grasshopper had become the i have the auditory) a national and internatic nal organs on first abdominal segment, ce. It is w i | to think while “ the L tide have the auditory | that we might stop being friends with orga ri the 1 ot the first leg In } rance just bee iuse ¢ f & frassit pper; other w ; one kind of grasshopper | and, if Lord Nortnc.irre arranged for | ears W its stomach and the other | a new Government to come in, it might i] stens wit ts leg. Wi en a 8c:e! very well be called The (a } S mitted himself to that |G it would look | 1< é t he would hardly have | t history-books qua ta lit invention like the “ dramatic It is ba es leg exciting to think of an English lord \\ t : tie pre I we |! sing a gr ce al tag pper WwW the eallv u £ ng } { ! and months, se uv orass- nd that is the plac I very corner, drea ¢ abou bie g : per in modern politics. grasshoppers ... But we : st not \ t f stion is, Whv d \ir. | waste time over the fantastic tale We ypDG «GE call Lord NortTHcuirre | have not yet solved our principal prob- | c ype I think it was in ajlem. Why did Mr. Luoyp Gronrce call \ Russia that Mr. Luoyp/him a grasshopper—a modest friendly GFEORGI te ns nat L ra e Did he mean tO rasshoppel NORTHCLIFFE Was a grasshoppe And | suggest that Lord Norrneuirrt bears

@€ didn t leay tat that He said that} with his stomach or stridulates with | Lord Ni HCLIFFE was } nly a grasshopper but a something something beetle, ora grasshopping ere and l'here cy S ng there t its b ¢ t ng ive than | ’ oe much in the cusa- | \ ould I s ind Li ra Nol HCLIFFI ! } at the tin ict, so s | he has nev publicly | sponges ane stated that he 1s not a grass pper Perhaps! ull we know it may be true But | passage in the Prophet I know in whose wife's sister / captains are as the great sins e at a place where there} which ear p in the | was a n-maid whose young! day, but when the sur iN a gardener at Lord ivy, and their is not wn

L vn I { I ere wey are no the : in, I mean—that Lord! The Encyclopedia has a No HCl Et K it to heart terril ly. sentence “g All erasshc ppe rs are Veget- | No grasshoppers were allowed in the le feeders and have an incomplete garde it Gay fort no gi metamorphosis, so that the ruc- { st V S at il like grass Oppe [ é j cers are COonLENRWOUS ; if as tolerated In the house Ser } ent of emeraence f n the ¢ tal gardener used to come upon his eath. A. P.2 ship muttering in the West Walk grasshopper! He called me a grass ‘The Mayor gave details showing how the pp ME—a& GRASSHOPPER!’ The | Engineer's salary had increased from £285 g ur iener Said that his Lordship used to when hi on ae — awe ; present tu i } ’ nish uy il ab IS har t ] isa nd . ] ‘ stupid st | crisis we keep having with |, Po +13 - , . ye - hie n re France owing to Mr. Lioyp Grorce’s | w:: oh Gaetan | ea 2 “the V the Cemeteries Sub-Committee their il S ¢ iuct does make the story gratulations 1 Alderman upe! his nteresting The suggest Ss, vou see, : 5 Low I that Lord NorTHCLIFFI laylow foralong | We do not quite see why this parti ular | time, tilleverybody had forgotten about | sub-committee should have taken the | asshopper and Mr. Luoyp Grorce | initiative.

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| t = | .— : had | , and | as in | ' Now not,” | speed 7 crude | VC uld come ional | think with pper; | ed Tor | night opper | ne in | It is k rd pper hears | with | eetle, I'here than would | lopper ple’s | uth. | il nice Thy j pI} ers, | e cold | ey flee | , own But | restive | veget- | n plete siruc- \ the } Dat saved YE nsion see | EVIL COMMUNICATIONS. pon his | Tae Trevernone. “I’M GOING TO COST YOU MORE.” HovuseHouper, “ WHY ?” Tae Tecernone. “OH, THE USUAL REASON—INCRSASING ticular | ) the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juuy 21, 1920; INEFFICIENGY.”

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A QUESTION OF TASTE. once. A i The Wife. * You MUST GeT YOURSE) A STRAW ‘at, Git BOWLER DON'T j AT THE PLAY. “Frencu LEAVE.” Tue Mandarins of the Theatre, wi are no wiser than other mandarins (on | world and its machinery (rare virtue | the contrary), have been long repeating i does not creak, | the formula that the public won't look | at a War play. If 1’m not mistaken it will for many moons be looking at Captain Reeratp Berkevey’s Lrench eally justitiable }seems the most natural thing Rooty Tooty’s brigade then was rest- ing—if in the cireumstances you can call it resting. The rather stodgy Bri- | gade-Major’s leave being due, his wife Leave. He labels it a “ light comedy.” | has come over to Paris to wait for him. That ‘s an understatement. It is, as a] The leave being cancelled (and you could matter of fact, a very skilful, uproarious 1 see how des perately overworked Head- and plausible farce, almost too suc-| quarters was) there suddenly appears of the jokes because of the laughter at} landlady’s, a Mdlle. Juliette, of the the other two-thirds (and a little be-} Paris stage, with a distincily coming-on | cause of the indistinct articulation of | disposition (and frock), The uxorious | one or two of the players). Of course} Brigade-Major, weakly consenting to | when I say “ plausible” 1 don't exactly | the deception, suffers the tortures of the | mean that any Brigade Headquarters | danimed by reason of the gallantries of was run on the sketchy lines of Genera/|the precocious Stati-Captain and the | Archibald oot’s, or that the gallant | old-enough -to-know- better Brigadier. | author or anybody else who was in the} There is marching and counter-march- | beastly thing ever thought of the Great | ing of detached units in the small hours | War asa devastating joke, but rather arrival of the Brigade Interpreter with that if it be true, as has been rumoured, | Intelligence’s reports; sorrowful con- that not all generals were miracles of} viction in the Brigadier’s mind that ; Wisdom and forbearance ; that British | Juliette is Olya—Olga Thingummy, the | subalterns and privates sometimes put | famous German spy. Confusions; ex- | on the mask of humour; that Venus} plosions; solutions. | did wander, as the observatories pune-} That’s a dull account of a bright | tually reported she did occasionally} matter. The players were not, with | | | i! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVA Ri. 1 } : ceareeeenres me = — ) | i | cessful in that you can’t hear one-third | what purports to be a niece of the billet | JuLty 21, 1920, SEEM TO GO WITH A CAMEMBiI g in the|}admirable. I suppose the honours must ')| go to Mr. M. R. Morann’s excellently studied Brigadier—the most laughter- compelling performance I have seen on | the legitimate” for some years. But the | Mess Corporal (Mr. CHartes Groves), | the Staf/-Captain (Myr. Henry Kenpast), the Brigade-Major (Mr. Hyiron ALLEN), ithe Interpreter (Mr. Grorce pe War- }¥az) and the Mess Waiter (Mr, ARTHUR {1scoE)—all deserve mention in des- As for the “business” it was positively inspired at times, as when the Mess Corporal retrieved the red-hat (which the passionate Briyade- Major had kicked in his jealous tury) with an address which would have done credit to the admirable Grock. Miss Rexte Kenry had her pretty and effective moments, but somebody should ask her (no doubt in vain) to be less tearful in the tearful and just a little less bright in the bright parts—a little less tidgetty and fidgetting and out of key, in fact, I should say in general that authoi and producer (Mr. E:mLte Norwoop) would do well to watch the serious passages—alyays the danger-points in farce. As nobody on our side of the | patches. |}wander, into the orbit of Mars- | the exception of Miss Rente Kunsy, of | jthen /vench Leave is a piece of artisti | the star class and ([ don’t necessarily | selection. Its absurdity|say therefore) were almost uniformly |

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the le- ry) ave cK, and yuld less ttle title t of shoi 0D) 4 lous $ in the Wy H Tirst Newly-Rich. “It's A GREAT SECRET, Second ditto. ** REaLiy! ARE ECONOMISING JUST NOW.” THAT'S RATH footlights takes these seriously the folk on the other side must substantially dilute the seriousness. The tragically ittered, “‘O God!” at the end of the Second Act ruined an otherwise ex- cellent curtain. But I must not end on a note of censure. I was much too thoroughly entertained for that. Here's a quite first-rate piece of fooling, with dialogue of humorous rather than smart sayings. And humour’s a much rarer and less cheap a gift than smartness. ¥ Our Considerate Scribes. * Presumptious is a hard word that I would not readily apply to any man.”—Daily Paper. “PASSIVE PESSIMISM. BERLIN'S ATTITUDE TO THE SPAR ¢ ONDITIONS.” Sunday Paper. But, after all, Berlin does not seem to have taken them lying down. “At the start he made most of his runs by clever strokes on the leg side, but, once settled down, he drove with fin power.” Sunday Paper. Cricketers need to be amphibious in ae 1 ptladade ft pte Lt ditt ih ; - i - (a\\\ & Jun 21, 1920.} PUNC H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 45 Mss - BUT I MUST TELL YOU. ER INTERESTING, WE THOUGHT OF HAVING ONE, BUT a =. — — My HUSBAND HAS BEEN OFFERED A PEERAGE.” THEY'RE 8O EXPENSIVE AND WE SONGS OF AN OVALITE. THERE was a young man who said, * Hones Should never be tempted with lobs ; He would knock them about Till the bowlers gave out And watered the pitch with their sobs.’ There is no one so dreadful as FENDER For batmen whose bodies are tender ; He gets on their nerves With his murderous swerves That insist upon death or surrender. When people try googlies on SANDHAM, You can see he will soon understand ‘em ; With a laugh at their slows He will murmur, “ Here goes,” And over the railings will land ’em. I am always attracted by Harrison When arrayed in his batting caparison ; If others look worried He never gets flurried, But quite unconcernedly carries on. All classes of bowlers have stuck at these days. Their efforts to dislocate Ducat; Their wiliest tricks He despatches for six, Which is what they decidedly buck at. You should never be down in the dumps When Srrupwick is guarding the stumps ; His opponents depart One by one at the start, But later in twos or in clumps. “ Like father like son,” says the fable, And is justified clearly in ABEL ; No bowling he fears And his surname appears An extremely appropriate label. If I were tremendously rich I would buy a cathedral in which I would build me a shrine Of a noble design And worship a statue of Hirca, Our Sleuths Again. “His wrists were tied together with a piece of webbing, two bricks were in his coat pockets, and, most remarkable of all, the soles of his boots were found to be nailed to his toes . . . The police theory is that somebody ‘ owed the dead man a grudge.’ "—Provincial Paper. |

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aoe Sac a aa

coment annré

ee ea seas

_PUN ‘CH, AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL. Being specimens of the work of Mr. Punch’s newly-establ |.iterary Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate Press contri! op any subject and Over any signature [1].—Are WE GOING TO THE Docs? OR THE

chianat 41, es LON NDON CHARIVARI, 1920,

eee ms ie the manners of ‘th 6 mo shes rp agit: W hs is so ) busily engaged 1 kicking over the traces that formerly kept her in her mene place. Nowadays flappers who should still be in the schoolroom consider themselves called upon to teach their grandmothers how to conduct their lives; and, to complete | the chaos, the gri undmothers are eagerly lapping it up, and

eee

By Vice-Admiral (Retd.) Sir Boniface Bludger, K.C.DB. in the matter of dress and deportment ure even bet tering | | was standing the other day at the window of the only i the instruction, Sit ieillesse sanait ! xe | Club in London where they understand (or used to under- | Oh for a 1 prophet s tongue to lash our visionless leaders | stand) what devilled kidne ys really are, musing in post- into a realisation of the rocks on to which w ° are drifting! | prandial gloom on the v anished glories of this engl: und of | We need the scourge of a SavonaRona, but all we get is the | ours. “Ichabod!” I eried aloud to the unheeding stream | boom of a BorroMLey. of Piceadilly wavfarers; and echo answered, ‘ Bod.’ Gone are our country’s glories, What is wrong with us? Or what is wrong with me? O tempora, O mores!" \re we actually going to the dogs, or is it merely that the} = Club kidneys are going to the devil? Jeremran or Mrs. | ALL SORTS Gummidge—which am I? Let the facts attest and let | , — i Fi ~ | ; posterity decide; thank Heaven I shall not be there to he r takes all sorts to make the world, an the same to make | the verdict 7 a@ crew , ; ea \fter our half-baked victory over the Hun the popular It takes the es od an’ middlin’ an the rotten bad uns too; | watchword was “ Reconstruction. We have now enjoyed | I'he same 's there are on land (says Bill) you ‘ll find ‘em all } year and more of this “ building-up” process, an ‘d the n et| at sea ! ; ; | result is that houses for those that lack them are as s¢ arce| he freaks an fads an’ crooks an’ cads an’ ornery chaps as iced soda-fountains in the Sahara like me, In this work of restoration, we were told | voters and legislators would play a leading part part are they in truth playing? Their main object appar- ently is still further to embitter the Drink question, although if they would only put a little more bitter into our national beverage they might belp to lubricate matters, Is it not a | | | oi ic fact that t} lackness evidenced in everv phase | significant fact that the slackness evidenced In every phase Bee : } | | | | ;

| of industry manifests itself at a time when it becomes more | and more difficult to get a decent drink our progress is not so much to awe dogs sneak along on the padded paws o The crazy conditions to be obse the world are well matched by the state of anarchy that pre vails in the sphere of the arts » In this wg. as to the cats, wh y|' f Prohibition. rved in industrial Take mn isic, for exam ple. | | do not lay claim to more than a nodding eA Cran with Euterpe, and at a classical concert '¢ am afraid, al nodding character of the relation becomes espec ially mai ke d j Ti To me the sweetest fifleen-inch gun on plentiful. But gh to be able to say th 1 | wild asses who with thei jazz-hban Is **st impo er oul 1 1 and will not let us sleep” (slightly FirzGeRaLD) are nothing Music : taple nourishment the tender ee and in iny younger days the haun ting | | strains of “The Blue Danube’ assisted music in the world is the ro: ‘ a day when the visibility is good ‘and t I do know enous : } to amend my old frie nd} ol than musical Trotsky 3. | was once regarded ; as the many a bud ling | our women | Tt takes What A cl It takes the b An’ chaps as shirk an’ chaps as work ju It takes It takes It takes the grease The blacks an’ It takes all sorts to n It takes more kinds ¢ ft} You meet a man for all the bap Lo give t ; Jobs the skippers and th miates, i¢ orders an’ a chap to chip the plates s-bound ‘prentices—an’ 1 uddy plagues they be— like we the backs t oO, stiffs an’ deadbeats an’ the decen Che chaps a walways pull their weight an’ thei as never do; The sort the Lord they } Lhey be, | An’ crazy as made ‘em knows what bloomin’ use ib isical blokes wh hOLKS an ornery Chaps ihe me, a deal o’ sascars an’ fancy breeds—the Dagoes an’ the Dutch, The I calashees an’ the seedy boys an’ such the Chinks, the Jap and Portugee, ye ‘ler rs an’ half bred fe ll ‘VS al ad orner’ 5 an it ks j like me. ake the world an’ the same to make a crew people than there’s creete n the | 00: | | em all ashore (says Bill) an ei all at you find sea | : ‘ jut do me proud if most he crowd ain't ornery chaps | love-affair to blossom. But these mn n-stop stridencies of | ae P : t ewe Sane One: r ~; : ike me U. m. | the modern ballroom, even if they left a man with breath | . enough to propose, would effectually prevent the virl from | NYY ere: age, Pye wey | A! NITED FREE CHURCH. catching the drift of the avowal. You can't roar, “ Will you | | ab a . ves Mionruny Sreruown for Y <G MeN any \V be mine into a maiden’s eai as lt you were conversing | “~ fie eens oe a 0s ute ' : ! ’ r ove, Courtsh an arriage.’ from the quarterdeck, and if you did she'd only think vou | \ are gt doy: mere rs = : . Vnthem \nd it shall come to pa were eestatically emulating the coloured gentleman in the| Seoteh 1 orebestra wi ith the implements ot torture and the misguided | The organist seems to be a sympathetic soul. | voice, =i : re | tas } L will pass over in the silence ene such other| “The fees for Burial will in the futare be doubled, i rder bo meet | symptoms of national decadence as zigzag painting, whirl- | the increased cost of present-day living.”— Parish Magaziv | pool poetry, cinema star-gazing and the impossibility of | At this rate we shall soon be unable to afford either to live | procuring a sell. respecting Stilton hicn assuredly is not | or to die, and mus t try a state of su pence d animation. “living at this hour’’). Nor can I trust myself to speak of | . . i j the spirit of Bolshevism that seems to animate om go-| “As Lady as Stepping aboard she dropped a waterproof | } called Labour Party, though I comfort myself with the| ce <i re 6 : pair of the Queen's shoes, and Their Majesties | | laughed heartily at h advship’s di ’ : ski LOTe | conviction that this doctrine will 1 not w ash, any more than | a abe rah . ; Se Lad hiy discomfiture One of the ulo | will its authors, : I will conclude these few reflections by drawing atten tion | atehel with the aid of a boot-hook.” Scoich Paper. | Prepared for all eventualities. I the handy-man !

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he elr ate nd ng ers ig! the to live rproof | Lajesties | sailors *aper. i

| rHAT PRESSURE OF WORK ALLOWS HIM, AND THAT Ht

Jury 21, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

47

THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BUILT. tna € c 3 7 Lod “ 3 by i | = q, eos

y : Tavatts i a | © pee ler le. enc FP | «€s Ron * ter a } pcp iaals ert eae _ | %, fem PSB E ic ROS | HIS 18 THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BUILY WED \ } } | Mi Mi Y, ~~ ' j ¥ | VXI LZ (|) I 4 \U aren t/ha His 18 THE ARCHI iECT AND BURVEYOR WHO (AS BOON AS HE i HAS FINISHED HIS DI | SIGNS FOR THE NEW | rowN HALL, THE PRO ak : roseED CoUuNTY HOSPITAL, THE CATHEDRAL EXTENSION, THI BOROUGH POWER BTATION AND THE DRINKING-POUNTAIN, AND VROVIDED THAT NO MORE IMPORTANT COMMISSION TURNS UP) I5 “OING TO DESIGN THE HOUSE TO GO ON THE GROUND OF THE LANDOWNER WHO. \ eK eeelen ia ¢ YY wee i ape mo : |

PHIS 18 THE BULLDING CONTRACTOR WHO (PROVIDED CAN GET THE MATERIALS, WHICH IS DOUBTFUL, AND rik MEN, WHICH IS HARDLY PROBABLE, AND THE PRICK, WHICH 18 PRACTICALLY OUT OF THE QUESTION 18 GOING TO CARRY OLT THE DESIGNS, AS FINALLY APPROVED By rHik LOCAL AUTHORITY WHO } rad { ’ \ bed ee Ys ‘ i f . PHIs IS THE MER CHANT WHO (1 | PRICES ARE LEF' | ENTIRELY TO HIS DISCRETION AND i rime 18 OF RO IMPORTANCE, AND |} IF HE FINDS THAT, j AFIER ALL, IT 18 TO HIS ADVANTAGE TO SELL EN THI8 COUNTRY | RATHER THAN TO EXPORT, AND IF HE DOESN'T RETIRE IN THI MEANTIME, AS HE IS THINKING OF DOING) HAS CONSENTED TO TRY TO SEND MATERIALS THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF THE RAILW AY OFFICIAL WHO . a

OR CONTEMPLATED PESIGNS OF THE

BUILDING CONTRACTOR

MATTERS IN SETTLED BY THEY CAN ITED, DE- SIGNED, PASSED, CONTRACTED FOR, SUPPLIED ERECT THE Anpb THis? Tuls, MERCHANT | INCIDENTALLY,

Jonge ese — THIS IS THE LANDOWNER WHO (IF THE TALK OF A RAILWAY BEING MADE OVER THIS BIT OF LAND DOESN'T COME TO ANY- rHING, AND THE CoRPo- RATION CANNOT, AFTER ALL, BE INDUCED TO BUY iy AS A RECREATION- GROUND, AND NO ONE MAKES A BETTER OFFER) [IS WILLING TO SELL THE GROUND TO CARRY THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BULLY, - THis i THE LOCAL AUTHORITY WHO (IF *+| HE CAN OBTAIN DE- TAILS OF THE SEVERAL REQUIREMENTS OF THE COUNTY COUNCIL, PARISH COUNCIL, CRPNTRAL HovstnGAv- THORITY, MINISTRY OF HwaALTH, BOARD OF TRANSPORT, CONGESTED DisTRICTS BOARD, AND ANY OTHER DEPARTMENTS INTERESTED, EITHER NOW THE FUTURE) I8 GOING TO AND POSITIVELY FINALLY APPROVE THE AND SURVEYOR WHO. . THis Is THE RAIL : WAY OFFICIAL WHO ON THE SU PPOSITION rHAT THE CONGES \ TION ON THE LINE : WILL POSSIBLY BE RASIER LATER, AND rHAT THE SUPPLY OF GOODS WAGONS I8 VERY CONSIDERABLY LOOPS AND SIDINGS NOT YET SUGGESTED WILL BE CONSTRUCTED TO RELIEVE THE A REOKGANISATION OF THE RAIL, HIM ELSEWHERE, AS WILL PROMISED TO DO HIS BREST TO NECESSARY MATERIALS FO THE rit

is JACK.

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Soe Rg TE 48 CONVERTED CASTLES. Rvurat England, I learn, is rapidly changing hands—not for the first time, by the way, but we cannot go into that just now. Excellent treatises on feudal tenure, wapentake, the dissolution of the monasteries and the enclosure of common lands may be picked up dirt cheap at any second-hand bookshop in the Charing Cross Road with the words “Presentation Copy” erased from the flyleaf by a special and ingenious pro- cess. What is happening now is that farmers are buying up the big estates in pieces, and Norman piles or [liza- bethan manors are beginning to be too expensive to maintain, what with coal and the rise in the minimum wage of vassals and one thing [~ | and another. | | » “The stately home f] ng- | » | land \\ How beautiful they st od | \' 3efore the r recent owners \ Relinquished them for good,” as the poet justly ob serves. And even if| there is enough money to keep up the castle without the broad acres (though as a matter of fact an acre is not any | | broader than it is long) | there is no fun in hay- | ing a castle at all when | the deer park has been to Montmorency aaa eanaaieine on nounced “ Mumsie’’) Castle, and The Towers at Barley Melling ? In London the difficulty of dealing T with huge houses has been solved in a very subtle manner by turning them that under the portico of what used to be 105 Myrtle Crescent you discover two perfectly good doors, marked 105a and LODr. marked 105a the postman invaria Into the letter-box of the door ine PUNCH, OR into a couple of maisonettes apiece, so THE LONDON | along with an empty bottle that I want to get rid of I do not throw it down into an area, where it would make a most horrible crash, but softly into the ithick shrubs of the Crescent Gardens. This brings me back to the country again. There will not be enough of the new lrich to purchase a castellated mansion | apiece, partly because of the [Excess Profits Duty, which is crippling this | kind of enterprise, and partly because iso many baronial seats, romantic and picturesque in their way, are terribly On the other hand | you cannot expect a farmer who hap- ‘pens to be buying the fields round Badgery Mortimer to have any use for inge ] r the haunted picture- yn keep « under garaged. a at | divided into allotments | ; and the Dutch garden MODERN AND ANCIENT, | | is under swedes | } Cricketer.“ Yes, I cocws NE OFF THE SPLICE IN The question is then | THE BLIGHT! B ATHERED 1 what is going to happen | Father. “Ys, BUT HOW DID YoU GET ovT? WERE you « - LEE Boand PI | OR BOWLED, OR iaT?’ No, there hing to do and that is to se pl ces up into a& number of self-contained homes. gallery in the west wing. is only one t break the HISTORIC FLATS TO LET is the house-agents advertisement which I seem to see, and what you will actually find will be a sort of concentrated ham- let where modern improvements are CHARIV ARL [Juny 21, 1920, too. In the state-saloon, with a few trifling alterations, such as the intro- duction of a geyser and a sink, will live Mrs. Ponsonby-Smith, who will sniff a little at the Jeffries in their attic suite and the Mutts who live in the moat. But Mrs. Jeffries will have compensa- tions, because the air is really so much more bracing, my dear, on the higher ground, and on fine days one can walk about the roof and peep through the boiling-oil holes, while as for the Mutts they are protected, at any rate, from those bitterly piercing east winds and have an excellent view of the draw- bridge. A further advantage of residing at Soping Hall will be that you can do all bly | mixed with ancient grandeur and the puts the letters intended for 1058, and | white-haired seneschal is kept on to vice versd, but, as these are always | operate the electric lift. letters addressed to the last tenant but} Let us take, for instance. the case of two, it does not really very much matter.| Soping Hall. Both are desirable maisonettes, though! that untidy the tenants of 1054 have the sole en- about it which « joyment of the lincrusta dadoes in the ithe beauty of original dining-room. In some cases | Soping and Soping Monachorum there are as many as three maisonettes, | Soping b wi and the notice on the area gate says, “ 105c. Mrs. Orlando Smith,” where | it used to say simply “No norries.” | I never really understood that notice myself, for whenever I am walking stragelir arrangement letracts so largely from Soping Barnet, Little In Hall the billiard-room will be the village club, the armoury the black- smith’s shop, the housekeeper's room the place where you buy buttons and balls of string and barley-sugar, the cellars the village tavern, and very nice a 1g | i There will be none of} your shopping and pay your calls with- J out going out-of-doors on a wet day, and, if you like, have a com- munal dining-room or restaurant, where only those who have been re- cognised by the county should above the salt. And if your friends come to visit you in ex- pensive motor-cars they will have the privilege of passing through the great iron gates on the main road and up the large gravel drive planted on each side with the cedars of Leb anon which Roger de Soping brought back in his haversack from the Second Crusade. lam quite aware that sib THE GULI Y AND AUGHT, STUMPED | when federal devolution —____________!becomes really infec- |tious and every county insists on a | legislative assembly of its own it may ibe nee sssary to turn some of these and the rural civil service will also no doubt insist on having oflices compar- | parent bodies occupy in London. | this will not account for nearly all the | ancestral seats, and, in calling the at- tention of the Minister of Health and Housing to this little memorandum of mine, 1 would specially urge him to | note how it will solve some of the most difficult problems which confront him to-day. There will be a rush upon these potted villages, and that will ease the situation in towns and free a number of cottages for agricultural labourers too. There will be a rush, not only because of the advantages which I have already enumerated, but because all the people who live in Soping Hall will be able to put “ Soping Hall” on their note- great houses into Parliament chambers, | lable with the vast hotels which their | But | uv

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os « Jury 21, 1920,] PUNCH, OR THE acecneetannreataaet * Dauie (seeing the signpost). OR SOMETHING DANGEROUS.” “Sror, JENKINS paper, and, if they like to pay for it, two| If the Head had any sense—only you wyverns ranpant as well, and e¥eryone | can’t expect sense from Heads—he ‘d } uutside the cirele of their immediate | put up a notice at the school gates: friends will imagine that they have not |‘ Parents, Uncles and Friends are re- only bought the whole place but even | spectfully reminded that the cost of tuck become the possessors of the flock of | has increased three hundred per cent. wyverns that used to be pastured on the Home Farm. Three acres and a cow was all ver well in its way, but what about two vyverns and a flat? Eivor. TIPS FOR UNCLES. Deak Mr. Poxncu,—I am writing to you about uncles because you ave in a way a kind of general uncle. Uncles are much more useful than aunts, be- cause uncles always give money and wunts mostly give advice. the Head always says when he jaws our iorm, “I regret to see in this form a seriousdeterioration '’—I meaninuneles. Chey come down here and trot us round ind say what a luxurious place it is compared with the stern old Spartan lays. They know something, though. Chey ask us to have meals with them it an hotel, They take care not to face a luxurious house-dinner. And while ve dine they tell yarns about the hard- ness of the old days and how it tough- ened a fellow. And then, because about 1870 it was the custom to tip a boy five bob, they fork out five bob and tell you not to waste it. | since 1914.” Why, old Badham, my bedroom prefect, who was a fag in 1914, |turned up the other day and declared that then he could buy four pounds of strawberries for a bob, and that a fag could get enough chocolate for two bob | to give him a week in the sick-room. | Yet we have uncles coming down in trains(farefifty per cent.extra), smoking cigars (costing two hundred per cent. extra), cabbing it up to school (a hun- dred-and-fifty per cent. extra) and then | tipping as if the old Kaiser was still Only, as | swanking in Potsdam. Now Sutton minor, who has a posi- tive beast of a house-master and is prac- tically a Bolshevist, says that we ought to go on strike against the tipping system and demand a regular living wage from relations. He says that if a scavenger gets four quid a week a fellow who has to tackle Greek aorists ought to get eight quid a week. Sut I'm afraid a strike might aggra- vate uncles. It’s no use upsetting the goose that lays the silver eggs, so I thought it better to write to you, point- ing out that there was one luxury still at pre-war prices and that uncles should never miss a chance of indulging in it, sror' l THINK IT WOULD BE SAFER TO TURN BACK. TiTPTID., THEY MAY HAVE CATAPULTS and whenever high prices bothered them they should write us a bright cheerful letter enclosing a postal order—they ‘re still quite cheap. and leads a sad life, having only aunts, says that the only hope for him is in fixing a standard tip of Qs. 11}d. or, better still, 19s. 11{d., that women couldn’t help giving. their hands to the plough their pockets—and then the bitter ery of the New public schools, & Norici My wite and board, I will not be responsible for any ills contracted after this date, June 21, 1920, FRED “4 American Paper, 4 Nork Mee The undersigued wishes to state I had just cause to leave, but L left neither bed nor board as | furnished my own board, and the bed I took it Roxiz —,” Sane Paper, following day. being mune A good example of what Touchstone calls ‘ The lie with cireumstance.” *To-Nicut at 9.30, NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. For the first time in Calcutta.” Indian Paper. | Where was the Censor ? Chalmers major, who has read this | Yours respectfully, Bruce Turrivus. So hoping that all uncles will put | -[ mean in | Poor will cease in. our | Roxie M. ——, having left my bed | | | | | | | i

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J

(By a Student of Film Politics.) “cE te | ference of the Government to the wishes | perous namesake, Yet in spite of this |THE STATE AND THE SCREEN, | [Juny 21, 192% Bridegroom-Elect, “——~ AND WE WANTS TO HAVE THE HYMN, ‘THE FLAG THAT WAVED O'ER EDEN. of the people is fraught with formidable | dignified and convincing appeal no in- | possibilities. Already there are serious |vitation was sent to the one person Great satisfaction has been evinced | rumours of the summoning of a Special} whose presence at the recent proceed- Trade Union Congress to discuss the| ings at Holyrood would have lent them in film circles over the conferment of a| signal honour on Signor Pavane.t, the | outstanding Italian screen luminary. | The rank of Chevalier of the Crown of | Italy is equivalent to a knighthood in this country, and PAVANELLI's elevation is a gratifying proof of the paramount position which the cinema is assuming in Italian national affairs. But grati- fication is sadly tempered by the de- plorable lack of State recognition from which film-artists suffer in this country. The joint co-starring Sovereigns of the Screen, though acclaimed by the popu- lace with an enthusiasm unparalleled | in the annals of adoration, were allowed to depart from our shores without a single official acknowledgment of their services to humanity, No vote of con- | gratulation was passed by the Houses | of Parliament ; no honorary degree was conferred on them by any University ; no ode of welcome was forthcoming from the pen of the Porr Laureate. The discontent caused by the indif- desirability of direct action as a means of compelling the Government to aban- don their attitude of hostility to the only form of monarchy which the work- ing-classes can conscientiously support. It is further reported that Lieutenant- Commander Krnwortny, M.P., will seize the first opportunity to move the impeachment of Dr. Brinces. The in- dignation in Printing House Square has reached boiling-point, and it is reported | that the authorities are only awaiting the delivery of a huge consignment of small pica type to launch a fresh and final onslaught on the Coalition. The provocation has undoubtedly been intense. It was proved in an article of studied moderation and ex- quisite taste that the time had come to revise our estimates of bygone grandeur and substitute for the devotion to a Queen of tarnished fame and disastrous tendencies the spontaneous and chival- rous worship of her beneficent and pros-

a crowning lustre. The action or in- action of the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN inexplicable, except on the assumption that Queen Pickrorp’s engagement to attend the Spa Conference would have rendered it impossible for her to accept is the invitation to Edinburgh. None the | less the invitation should have been sent. Besides, the resources of aviation might have surmounted the difficulty. In any case this deplorable oversight has knocked one more nail in the coflin of the Prime Minister.

“At the fifth each played a magnificent tea shot. Hodgson again used his favourite spoon.”—Provincial Paper Obviously the right club for the pur- pose. “<THE TonGuE CaN No Man Tame.’ St. Peter.” Heading in Daily Paper. A clear case of robbing James to pay | PETER,

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Ye y Y SN ‘ SS N SS SS = ~ ‘OC6T ‘I A1A[—]JYVAINVHO NOGNOT AHL YO HONDa

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Juty 21, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 69 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, July 12th.—Viscount Cur- zon’s complaint about “crawling” taxi- cabs was ostensibly based upon the ob- struction thus caused to more rapidly SIR FREDERICK BANBURY SHOWS HOW IT'S DONE. “TO PRODUCE A SAVING OF ONE HUNDRED AND-FIFTY MILLIONS YOU MERELY HAVE TO HOLD THE HAT FIRMLY IN THE LEFT HAND rHUs.’ moving traffic. But I fancy that it was really due to an inherent belief that the motor-car is a noble creature, only happy when exceeding the speed-limit and dashing through police - controls, and that to compel the poor thing to | crawl is “agin natur’”’ and ought to be dealt with by the R.8.P.C.A. As usual much of Question- time was devoted to Russian affairs. Colonel Wepawoop wanted to know whether the Cabinet had approved a mes- sage from Mr. Cuurcuin. to the late Admiral KoncHak, ad- vising him howto commend his Administration to the Prime MINISTER, Who was described in the telegram as “ all-power- ful, a convinced democrat and particularly devoted to ad- vanced views on the land question.” Mr. Law, while provisionally promising a Blue- book on Siberia, declined to pick out a single message from & Whole bunch. The news that the Soviet Gov- Mr. Batpwix WITH HANDS AND FEET.” ernment had accepted the British condi- tions with regard to the resumption of trade and had thereupon been requested to conclude an armistice with Poland did. not seem particularly welcome to any section of the House. Those whom Mr, Stanton in stentorian whispers daily describes as the ‘ Bolshies ” evidently feared that the request had been accompanied by a threat, while others were horrified at the idea of re- cognising the present régime in Russia, and drew from Mr. Law a hasty dis- claimer. The House as a whole would, I think, have liked to learn how you can do business with a person whom you do not recognise ? The CHANCELLOR OF BHK EXCHEQUER refused to accept Mr.GrorcGe TERRELL’S proposal to reduce the Excess Profits Tax from sixty per cent. to forty, but, in reply to Sir G. Younazr—who “has such a way wid him”—promised that next year he would make the reduction. He admitted that it was in many ways an unsatisfactory tax, but the Govern- ment could not afford to part with it unless a substitute was provided. Some- body suggested “* Economy,” and Sir F, Banpury proved to his own satisfaction that the present estimates could be re- duced by a hundred-and-fifty millions. But unexpected support for the Gov- ernment came from Mr. Asquirn, who as the original sponsor of the tax felt it his duty to support it. There was a perfect E.P.D.mic of criticism, but it was brilliantly count- ered by Mr. Baupwin, who declared that the CuHancennor, far from leading the country down the rapids, “ was the one man who had seized a rock in mid- stream and was hanging on to it with hands and feet.”” The Amendment was rejected by 259 to 117, and the clause as a Whole was passed by 202 to 16. THE LIMPET OF THE EXCHEQUER. CHIEF “HANGING TO A ROCK PORTRAYS HIS | all Tuesday, July 13th.—Lord O’ Hagan was one of the Peers who helped to outvote the Government a few days ago on a motion excusing them of extrava- gance. Yet that did not prevent him fy i Mr. MORE.” Neal . “Your FARES WILL COST YOU to-day from saying that the War Office should be more generous in their finan- cial treatment of the Territorial Force, and particularly of the Cadet Corps. Naturally Lord Peer did not refrain from calling attention to this inconsistency —com- mon to most of the financial critics of the Administration— but nevertheless he made a reply indicating that the grants for the Territorial Force were being revised, presumably in an upward direction, since Lord O' HaGan expressed him- self grateful. TbheCommons, likethe Lords, ave all for economy collectively, if not individually. General cheers greeted Mr, Bonar Law's announcement that all war-subsidies —save that on wheat—were to be brought to an end as soon as possible, but then there were similar cheers for those Members who urged the substitution of ex-service

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SES TE aS a RTO 9 OR LE MENT ' men for the less highly - paid women | in various Public Departments. | perience of hearing from Lieut.-Com- | invented | in sending | gets | Colony | “ChineseSlavery’ when 5A PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Suny 21, 1920, ea l The House enjoyed the unusual ex- mander Kenwortny an apology—and a very handsome one too—for some- thing that he had said in debate about Colonel Crorr. It was accompanied by a tribute to his military efficiency which made that gallant warrior blush. | It only now remains for the Leader of | the National Party to reciprocate by | rescuing from the Naval archives some | | equally complimentary reference to the! services of Lieut.-Com- mander KENWORTHY. A new sport has been by Colonel It consists two tele- grams simultaneously to Paris, one vid London and the other vid New York, and seeing which there first. At present New York wins by twenty minutes. Mr. ILLINGWORTH excused himself from giving an immediate explanation on the ground that he had not had time to check the facts. No doubt he hopes that in the interim other Mem- bers will follow Colonel GUINNESS'S example and, by joining in the new pastime, bring grist to the Post-Office mill. Wednesday, July 14th. -Lord MinNer must have thought he was back in the era of GUINNESS. he found himself as- sailed on all sides be- cause the Chief Native Commissioner in Kenya y (late British East Africa) bad issued ~ni a circular instructing ~''**”' the chiefs to influence their followers in the direction of honest toil. INGTON described this as “ perilously near foreed labour;” His Grace of | Cantersery facetiously suggested that | the chiefs’ idea of influence would be the sjambok; and Lord Ewmorrt talked of “ Prussianisim.”’ Taught by past experience Lord Mit- NER did not make light of the accusa- tions, but set himself to show how little | real substance they contained. The | Chief Native Commissioner was “ not | @ Prussian” ; on the contrary the local | white population thought him too great | an upholder of native privileges. But | he was very keen on getting the black | DESIG? Lord Is- jescence he starts again. man to work, and had therefore issued this circular, which was open to mis- interpretation. ment would be issued shortly. Echoes of the Dyer debate are stil! reverberating through the Commons, and Mr. Montacu was put through a searching cross-examination regard- ing his relations with Mr. GANDHI. Apparently that gentleman has a very simple plan of campaign. Ile agitates more and more dangerously until he is threatened with prosecution. Then he says “ Sorry!” and Mr. Montacv begs An explanatory docu- | ——— —————s | garded as “a definite matter of urgent | public importance.” It is unfortunate that the Prog | MrnisTER was unable to get back from Spa in order to assist in the final sup- pression of his famous land-duties, | Most of the speeches delivered were made up of excerpts from his old orations | of ten years ago—that almost prehistorie lera known as the Limehouse Period— |and it would have been an object-lesson |in political gymnastics to see him ex- plaining himself away. The land-taxers made a gallant effort to frighten their oppo- nents away by chanting the “Land Song” in the Lobby, but it is supposed that the Gov- ernment supporters had copied Ulysses’ method with the Sirens, for enough of them re inained faithful to de- feat the land-taxers by 199 to 68. ’ Thursday, July 15th. Mr. NEAL’sannounce- ment that the proposed had been postponed un- til August 5th, in order not to spoil the Bank Holiday, was far from satisfying the House. Mr. CLyners pointed out that large numbers of B.C. 1920. ‘WHAT A TOPPING FROM THE OFFICE OF wea! THey Li WORKS N¢ him off. \fter a brief interval of qui- Just now he is once more nearing the imaginary line | that separates proper from impropa- Gandhism. The House was delighted to see Mr. Devrax and Mr. MacVracu back in their places. A little honest Irish ob- struction would be a refreshing change | | alter the feeble imitations of the Ken- worthies and Wedgwoods. SPEAKER could not accept the pro-| position that a speech delivered three weeks ago, in which an Irish official was alleged to have prophesied some dreadful things which as a matter of fact had not happened, could be re- NEVER LT A t IF THEY WAIT But the} the working - classes now took their long holidays in August. Mr. PALMER was of opinion that the working- classes could pay well enough; it was the middle-class that would suffer most; and Mr. R. McNett, following up this assertion, sug: vested (without sue- cess) that for the sake saan WORE of poverty - stricken a) YEARS. ; , % M.P.’s the Houseshould | adjourn before the fateful date Sir H. Greenwoop gave particulars of the Sinn Fein raid on the Dublin | Post-Office, but declined to give am |opinion as to whether there had been ‘any collusion with the staff inside. Judging by the promptitude and efli- _ ciency of the raiders’ procedure it seems highly improbable that postal officials | had anything to do with it. “Teach day the barometer scems to 'hie¢4l ; litte drop a lower, the rain seems to drop a little more persistent and wet.”—Provincial Paper. annoying. Nobody would mind a little dry rain. — increase in railway fares | It is this persistent wetness that 1s $0 | i } | | | | i | | | j | i j | | j i | | | | | i ——— ae

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Olt ns | in | is | wl iad | 10d | for | re- | de- | by | rth. | nce- | sed ares | un- | rder | ank | rom | use, | out | 8 of | ses | long | Mr. | nion | ‘ing: | well | the | ould | Mr. | wing | sug. | suc- sake cken | vould ulars | ublin | e = been rside. | | effi- | seems licials |

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Juny 21, 1920.)

Uy / Pe oh <a ErT ; ay ie ns P 4 Me EL ff? ttt Za kb” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Mie

Farmer. “1 WONDER WHAT SOME OF THESE LONDON FOLKS "UD SAY TO THIS?) Karm-hand. “ Zay? Tury’p ZA¥Y AS WE MUST BE MAKIN’ OUR FORTUNES OUT O° MUSHROOMS.”

TWENTY YEARS ON. pod Seats for my assent he pro- ceeded -: Wr were sitting in the verandah,| “The scene is laid in an undergradu- KMinestand I. On the greensward before | ate’s rooms. Ernest Junior and James us Ernest Junior and James Junior} Junior are discovered in négligé atti- (L am James) disported themselves as| tudes and the conversation proceeds became their years, which were respec- | something like this :— tively 1f and 18. In the middle dis-| “ Ernest Junior. What are you going tance, or as middle as the size of our | to do with yourself in the Vac.? lawn permits, might be seen themothers,| ‘James Junior. I shall go abroad, in of Ernest Junior and James Junior deep | spite of my choice of objeetives being in conversation, discussing, perhaps, | so terribly restricted. the military prowess of their lords,| ‘“ Ernest Junior. Why restricted ? though I rather fear I caught the word| ‘ James Junior. Well, 1 wouldn't say i this to anybody else, but to tell you the A loud differenee of opinion between | truth it is impossible for me to go to James I]. and Ernest IT. as to the|either France, Belgium or Italy. You “yumper” every now and then. possession of a wooden horse momen-|see my dear old father was in these | tarily disturbed the peaceful scene. It| countries during the first Great War, was left to Ernest and myself to settle| and if 1 were so much as to mention it, our incomparable wives being stillj|them he'd never stop talking. If J completely engrossed with the subject| were to suy that | proposed spending | of our military prowess (or of jumpers).|a fortnight in the Ardennes it would | When quiet reigned once more Ernest} let loose such a flood of reminiscence said, “ Have you ever looked twenty | that I should hardly get away before years on?” j next term begins. | “Practically never,” Lanswered. “It| ‘He gets alittle confused too at times. | is too exhausting,” | He told me the other day a long story “Tt is exhausting, but with my usual| about the relief of Ypres, and he also energy I doit allthe same,” said Ernest,| boasted of having himself captured a} Who is as a fact the world’s champion large number of Turks on the Somme. lotus-eater. ‘“ Last night I was pictur-| “ And it isn’t only that. My mother ing a little scene in the year 1940.) was a V.A.D. in France, you know.

| Some ing of Ypres and the Somme she‘d | begin about Rouen and Etaples.”’ I laughed, but without mirth, for I | did not really think this at all fumny. | And after all I might have said just the same about Ernest, if only I’d thought of it first.

“CHAR-A”-VARIA, The Manchester Daily Dispatch gives a most | distressing account of the bibulous hooliganism | which is becoming more rampant week by week amoug char-a-banecs trippers. THE patrons of the charabang Employ the most outrageous slang And talk with an appalling twang. Their manners ape the wild orang ; |'They do not care a single hang |For sober folk on foot who gang, | But as they roll, with jolt and clang, | For parasang on parasang, They cause a vulgar Sturm und Drang. They never heard of ANpDrEw Lana, |Or even Mr. Winiiam Srrane ; | They are, [ say it with a pang, | A most intolerable gang : 'In fact I wish them at Penang |Or on the banks of Yang-tse-Kiang— folk who use the charabang.

Shall I tell you of it?” And with-! And when the old man had done talk- | Discipline is going to the dogs.

“Wanted, a good, clean General, for pri- i vate.” Pi incral Paper.

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| men for the less highly - paid women | in various Public Departments. | The House enjoyed the unusual ex- | perience of hearing from Lieut.-Com- mander Kenwortny an apology—and a very handsome one too—for some- thing that he had said in debate about It was accompanied by a tribute to his military efficiency 54 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a {[Juty 21, 1920, Colonel Crort. which made that gallant warrior blush. It only now remains for the Leader of the National Party to reciprocate by | more and more dangerously ur interpretation. ment would ke issued shortly. ing his relations with Mr. J rescuing from the Naval archives some | threatened with prosecution. equally complimentary reference to the | says “ Sorry ! services of Lieut.-Com- mander KenwortHy. A new sport has been invented by Colonel Guinness. It consists in sending two tele- grams simultaneously to Paris, one vid London and the other vid New York, and seeing which gets there first. At present New York wins by twenty minutes. Mr, ILLINGWORTH excused himself from giving an immediate explanation on the ground that he had not had time to check the facts. No doubt he hopes that in the interim other Mem- bers will follow Colonel GUINNESS'’s example and, by joining in the new pastime, bring grist to the Post-Office mill. Wednesday, July 14th. -Lord MILNer must have thought he was back in the era of “Chinese Slavery when he found himself as- sailed on all sides be- cause the Chief Native Commissioner in Kenya Colony (late British East Africa) had issued a circular instructing the chiefs to influence their followers in the direction of honest toil. LINGTON described this as His Canterbury facetiously suggested that | the chiefs’ idea of influence would be the sjambok; and Lord Emmorr talked | near foreed labour; ” of “ Prussianism.”’ Taught by past experience Lord Mut. tions, but set himself to show how little real substance they contained. The | Chief Native Commissioner was “ not | ; on the contrary the local | white population thought him too great | an upholder of native privileges. But | he was very keen on getting the black | a Prussian ”’ An explanatory docv- | a searching cross-examination regard- “and Mr. Montaav begs | man to work, and had therefore issued | garded as “a definite matte this circular, which was open to mis- | public importance.” unfortunate that Minister was unable to get back from Echoes of the Dyer debate are stil! | Spa in order to assist in the final sup- reverberating through the Commons, | pression of his famous land-duties, and Mr. Monraau was put through| Most of the speeches delivered were made up of excerpts from hisold orations of ten years ago—that almost prelistorie Apparently that gentleman has a very | era known as the Limehouse Period— simple plan of campaign. Ile agitates | and it would have been an object-lesson itil he is | in political gymnastics to see him ex- Then he | plaining himself away. The land-taxers made a gallant effort | It is GANDAL. B.C. 1920. oxo. “Wu " SUITABLE DESIGN FROM THE Orrice or Works—wni hin olf, Lord Is- | escence he starts again. ‘perilously | Grace of Gandhism. worthies and Wedgwoods. SPEAKER could not accept position that a speech delive: dreadful things which as a n fact had not happened, coule lack | OPPING IDEA! THky’Li Just now he} NEVER GLY A MORE f IF THEY Walt 3840 Years,” \fter a brief interval of qui-| adjourn before the fateful date. Sir H. Gregenwoop gave particulars . . ° * ° | , 2 a . 4 | 18 Once more nearing the imaginary line} of the Sinn Fein raid on the Dublin j that separates proper from impropa- | But the} | Post-Office, but declined to give an ns }opinion as to whether there had been The House was delighted to see Mr. | any collusion with the staff inside. Devnrx and Mr. MacVracu back in | Judging by the promptitude and efli- their places, A little honest Irish ob- | ciency of the raiders’ procedure it seems i pe struction would be a refreshing change | highly improbable that postal officials NER did not make light of the accusa- | after the feeble imitations of the Ken-| had anything to do with it. r of urgent the Prowe to frighten their oppo- nents away by chanting the “Land Song” in the Lobby, but it is} supposed that the Goy- ernment supporters had copied Ulysses’ method with the Sirens, for enough of them re mained faithful to de- feat the land-taxers by 199 to 68, Thursday, J uly 15th, — Mr.Nrat'sannounce ment that the proposed increase inrailway fares had been postponed un- til August 5th, in order not to spoil the Bank | Holiday, was fa) from | satisfying the House. | Mr. CLynxs pointed out that large numbers of | the working - classes | now took their long | holidays in August. Mr. | PALMER was of opinion that the vorking- classes could pay well enough: it was the middle-class that would suffer most; and Mr. R. McNett, following up this assertion, sug- vested (without sue- cess) that for the sake of poverty - stricken M.P.’sthe Houseshould the pro- 1 be re-} dry rain. “Tach day the barometer scems to drop 4 ed three | little lower, the rain seems to drop a little veeks ago, in which an Irish official | ™ore persistent and wet.”—Provincial Paper. was alleged to have prophesied some | It is this persistent wetness that is 80 1atter of | annoying. Nobody would mind a little aa:

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fares | 1 un- | yrder Bank | from } inion ‘king- - well . the would | Mr. | owing sug: sue- » sake ricken | should culars Dublin | ve an 1 been | inside. 1d efli- seems flicials ) drop a a little l Paper. t is $0 | a little | | | | Krnestand I. On the greensward before | ate’s rooms. gi > ae Kaa wt iA~” / xr sf 7 tA ppg rth /. rig y tf FF, et 7 - = “ Farmer. “1 WONDER WHAT SOME OF THESE LONDON FOLKS ‘UD SAY PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — TO THIS?) Karm-hand, “ Zay? Tury'’p ZA¥Y AS WE MUST BE MAKIN’ OUR FORTUNES OUT 0’ MUSHROOMS.” out waiting for my assent he pro- ceeded : “ The scene is laid in an undergradu- Ernest Junior and James James Junior| Junior are discovered in négligé atti- TWENTY YEARS ON. Wer were sitting in the verandah, us Ernest Junior and | (lf am James) disported themselves as} tudes and the conversation proceeds became their years, which were respec- | something like this :— tively 1} and 1s. In the middle dis-| “ Ernest Junior. What are you going tance, or as middle as the size of our | to do with yourself in the Vac. ? lawn permits, might be seen themothers| “James Junior. I shall go abroad, in | of Ernest Junior and James Junior deep | spite of my choice of objectives being | the military prowess of their lords, | though I rather fear I caught the word | | “ yumper” every now and then. in conversation, discussing, perhaps, | so terribly restricted. ‘ Ernest Junior. Why restricted ? “ James Junior. Well, 1 wouldn’t say | this to anybody else, but to tell you the A loud differenee of opinion between | truth it is impossible for me to go to James II. and Ernest II. as to the|either France, Belgium or Italy. You possession of a wooden horse momen-|see my dear old father was in these tarily disturbed the peaceful scene. It} countries during the first Great War, was left to Ernest and myself to settle! and if I were so much as to mention it, our incomparable wives being still|them he'd never stop talking. If completely engrossed with the subject| were to say that | proposed spending | of our military prowess (or of jumpers).|a fortnight in the Ardennes it would | When quiet reigned once more ? ——— Ernest | let loose stich a flood of reminiscence said, “ Have you ever looked twenty |that I should hardly get away before years on?” jnext term begins. “ Practically never,’ lanswered. “It| ‘He gets alittle confused too at times. is too exhausting.” He told me the other day a long story “Tt is exhausting, but with my usual| about the relief of Ypres, and he also energy I do it allthe same,” said Ernest,| boasted of having himself captured a who is as a fact the world’s champion | large number of Turks on the Somme. lotus-eater. “ Last night I was pictur- “ And it isn’t only that. My mother ing a little scene in the year 1940.) was a V.A.D. in France, you know. Shall I tell you of it?” ‘And with-! And when the old man had done talk- ing of Ypres and the Somme she'd begin about Rouen and Etaples.”’ I laughed, but without mirth, for I did not really think this at all funny. And after all 1 might have said just the same about Ernest, if only I’d thought of it first. “CHAR-A”-VARLA. The Manchester Daily Dispatch gives a most among char-a-banes trippers. Tue patrons of the charabang Employ the most outrageous slang And talk with an appalling twang. Their manners ape the wild orang ; | They do not care a single hang | For sober folk on foot who gang, | But as they roll, with jolt and clang, | For parasang on parasang, They cause a vulgar Sturm und Drang, | i They never heard of ANDREW Lane, |Or even Mr. Wintiam Srrane ; | They are, I say it with a pang, | A most intolerable gang ; In fact 1 wish them at Penang |Or on the banks of Yang-tse-Kiang— | Some folk who use the charabang. | “Wanted, a good, clean General, for pri- | vaie.”-—Provincial Paper, | Discipline is going to the dogs. | distressing account of the bibulous hooliganism | which is becoming more rampant week by week | |

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me an ; : pepncemercrepsrmssscsssas POINTS OF. VIEW. party of young men, being very obviously rich, at any rate for this night, had some of the best attendance in the res- taurant. Several waiters had been told off specially to look after them, the least and busiest of whom was little more than a boy—a slender pale boy, who was working very hard to give satisfaction. The cynic might think— and say, for cynics always say what they think—that this zeal was the re- sult of his youth; but the cynic for once would be only partly right. The zeal also had sartorial springs, this eventful day being the first on which the boy had been promoted to full waiter- hood, and the first therefore on which he had ever worn a suit of evening dress; which by dint of hard saving his family had been abletoobtainforhim. Wearing a uniform of such dignity and conscious that he was on the threshold of his career, he was trying very hard to make good and hoping very fervently that he would get through without any drops or splashes to impair the freshness of his new and wonderful attire. The party of young men, who bad been | at a very illustrious English school to- gether and now were either at a uni- versity or in the world, were celebrating an annual event and were very merry about it. For the most part they had, between the past and the present, as many topics of conversation as were needed, but now and then came a lull, during which some of them would look around at the other tables, note the prettier of the girls or the odder of the men and comment upon them ; and it chanced that in such a pause one of the notice with any attention the assiduous young waiter, Although not old enough to have given any thought to the anom- aly of youth (though lowly) attending upon youth (though gilded) at its m in this way—not old enough indeed to have pondered at all upon the relations of Capital and Labour or of the domi neering and theservile—bhe had reflected a good deal upon the cut and fit of clothes, and there was something about the waiting-boy’s evening coat that out raged his critical sense. Nor did the fact that the other's indifferent tailoring throw the perfection of his own into such brilliant contrast—the similarity between the livery of service and the male costume de lure fostering such comparisons — make lenient. “Did you ever see,” he asked his him any more waiting Johnnie's? I ask you. How can anyone, even a waiter, wear a thin Oo 5 [Jury 21, 1920, LONDON CHARIVARI, Tue manager had seen to it that the| they see straight ? diners happened for the first time to} neighbour, “such a coat-collar as that! like that? Don’t they ever see them- many of these piglets that I don’t selves in the glass, or if they do can’t|think the old sow would miss one, Why, it covers his i collar altogether.” | His companion agreed. “And the ishoulders! You'd have thought that iin a restaurant like this the manage- |ment would be more particular. By | George, that's a jolly pretty girl com- ling in! Look—over there, just under | the clock, with the red hair.”” And the waiter was forgotten, Only, however, by his table critics, for at that moment la little woman who had made friends |with the hall-porter for this express | purpose was peering through the win- dow of the entrance, searching the room for her son. She had never yet seen |him at his work at all, and certainly not in his grand waiting clothes, and naturally she wanted to. | “Ah!” she said at last, pointing the boy out to the porter, “there he is! At | that table with all the young gentlemen. | Doesn't he look fine? And don’t they ifit him beautifully? Why, no one would know the difference if he were |to sit down and one of those young | gentlemen were to wait on him.’ eds Ve Ee PIGLETS. WHILE waiting for proof-sheets of my book on The Dynamic Force of | Modem Art 1 thought I might get ; | certain amount of amusement out of a i little corres; } bour, Mr. aairyinan, i i | | | 1 | | pondence with my neigh- Gibbs, small farmer and j between whom and myself | letters had passed a short time ago on jthe subject ol lim »ved from the field below the study lwindow of the house that has been lent me by my friend Hobson. With this end in view I wrote to Mr. Gibbs as follows My pear Mr. it HOISY COW, since re- GIBBS, - ? |denly become tenanted again, this time by what or murrain of swine. vary. ten younglin : Their number Sometimes I count gs, sometimes as many as thirteen, and once I made it as much as fourteen. Did you know they were there, or are they acrop? Or is the field suffer- ing from swine fever, of which they are the outward manifestation? Anyhow, whether they are friends of yours or have merely just happened, as it were, they are distinctly intriguing. | My wife was remarking to me only yesterday how nice some pork would | be as a change from the eternal verities, beef and mutton, and I told her that if | she would look out of my window she | would see the pork running about, ‘simply asking for it. There are so seeins to yet a The field of | the uproarious cow has, I notice, sud- | appears to be a school, herd | Swine can’t count, can they ? But apart from food values they interest me as subjects for the Cubist, the Vorticist and other exploiters of dynamic force in the Art of to-day (1 fancy I told you in a previous letter that I am engaged upon a tome on this subject). Figure to yourself, mon ami, what delightful rhomboidal figures WynpHam Lewis and his school would make of these budding porkers with the sleek torso and the well-poised angular snout, and, having visualised their treatment of the theme, compare it with the painted efligies of such animals by GrorGe Morianp, which were merely pigs, Sir, and nothing more. No sym- bolism, no foree. You get me—what? But looking at these piglets from a | more intimate point of view, don’t you [think (if they should happen to be | yours, and you have any influence with | their parents) that something should be done about their faces? They have such a pushed-in appearance. Can this be normal? If so, it must seriously interfere with their truffling. But per- haps this is not good truffle-lunting country. I’m sorry if this is so, as 1 |could do with a nice brace of truffles |now and again. | Remember me kindly to our mooing | friend, and believe me, dear Mr. Gibbs, Yours sincerely, Arruur K. WILKINSON. How this early touch of Spring has got into the blood, to be sure. |'To this letter Mr. Gibbs replied thus :— | Dear Sir,—i cant make much of | your letter except a riglemerole about |pigs and dinamite and pictures but | what they have to do with one another i dont know if you want some pork why dont you say so strait out like mr | Hobson does i shall be killing one this | week shall i send you a nice leg and Yours obedient Henry Gipss, | remain | My reply, given in the affirmative, resulted in the arrival of a succulent- looking joint with a bill for leg of pork special 54lbs. at 2s, per lb. 11s. As the price too was rather special I | returned the bill with the following :— My pear Mr. Gisss,—What a rap- turous piece of pork! Lovely in life, land oh, how beautiful in death. I count the hours till 7.30 to-morrow. my letter with comfort. I have derived | great pleasure from yours. You appear |to have a strong leaning towards pho- |netie orthography which is very re- freshing and seems to bear the same relation to the generally accepted rules I am truly sorry you couldn't read | aah ie cae a loro aia aes era

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Jory 21, 1920 PUNCH, OR THE LONDO N CHARIVARIL. 57 . & > os 4 if i \\ jo Apa KA 6 | Countsy Posbnan, “1’m sorry, Ma'am, 1 skEM TO HAVE LOST YOUR POSTCARD; BUT IT ONLY SAID MURIEL THANKED YOU FOR ad) | THE PARCEI AND 680 DID JOHN, AND THEY WERE BOTH VERY WELL AND THE CHILDREN ARE HAPPY AND SHE'LL GIVE YOUR | MESSAGE TO MARGERY. THAT'LL BE YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER, I’M THINKIN’?” AS of the art that the modern dynamic} wouldn’t mind paying a bit extra for | eee Be | art (a favourite topic of mine, as you| something special like this pork which FLOWERS’ NAMES. x know) does to the academics of the late| these pigs was by Barnsley Cham- Lapy's Brpsrraw. of | nineteenth century. pion III i cant charge less. i dont) Unver two secret arching hedges ut | When the proof-sheets of my book} know who your specialist is but he} Masses of Bedstraw grow, ut | arrive | should be glad of your assist-|dont know much about pork the bests Silvery-white among the sedges, er | | anee in going through them. My ten-|the safest. please send ballance and Like drifts of fairy-snow ; rk | deney, | think, is to over-punctuate,|remain 2 Deep s the middle, fringed the edges; we und your proclivity would, I believe, Yours obedient, . Who sleeps there? Do you know? iis counteract this. Henry Ginss. |Do you? Or you? ae Mais rvevenons & nos moutons (muta- Sin eramn ntill ies. Miasuis baie aa Hark ! for the breezes know. oe mutandss, of course). The specialist not yet en decontrolled 80 Esolened “Oh, there my Lady § or lies ‘ who superintends my diet allows me to the | I wn ‘» with this brief but incis rn oan ae a Jf eerngre - eat pork at 1s. 9d. per lb.. but does not|- 4 ye — with this brief but ineis- | Adream mare ‘om . pril skies ; ve, | | approve of my indulgence in it at a|'Y® °° About her blossoms fall nt: | higher figure. If you will meet his} My pear Mr. Ginps,—I have never va long limbs and secret seichanie ork i views (and I am sure you will) I shall! met your friend from Barnsley, but am Db ll she pa jg . . Poked | absorb my full share of the dainty you | surprised that you haven't come across | Then— hat k fal wil elarion call! 1) | Rave provided. Otherwise I must re |my specialist, whose address is the ee ee ul roses pes flies a | j turn it with many exquisite regrets. | Local Food Control Office at Harbury. ~ ag seid ae . mie a ri Pesecatny.: ip- i | , Anticipating your favourable recogni-| Would you like to meet him? He is sseytenemmeamesiap asp sit ran ife,| & | tion of my specialist’s absurd prejudice, | very interested in pigs, also in milk and 1} | lL enclose a cheque for 9s. 8d. other things in which you specialise] “We have received from —— Manufactur Accept my word for it that I am expensively, so you would have lots to} ing Company, New York, makers of Distrue- ead | Yours ever most truly, talk about. no doubt. tive Stationery for Social Correspondence, brsneatatiege “K. We Rear as copies of their artistic Wall Calendars.” ved | Artuur K. WILKINSON, Yours sincerely, West Indian Paper. ei ceria Gibbs offered the follow- ; . — ris ILKINSON. 1 The calendars don’t interest us, but ee $ Py : The receipt in full, which reached me|}a few samples of the “ distructive anal : Deer Sir,—i thought being a friend|in reply, was very satisfactory. The|stationery” would come in useful for alae . of mr Hobson you was a gentleman as| pork was delicious. answering bores. sc i neereteneeennee .

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wa ni a a rns er ete et nae ame ne rae ——--- ase [JuLy 21, 1920, ee NOCTURNE. Or course I suppose I ought to be grateful for the opportunity of having a front seat at one of Nature’s romances, but I imagine she reaps more applause at matinées than at soirées. I know that I——-_ But judge for yourself. The dramatis persone were corn- crakes, neighbours of mine. The hero- ine—a neat line in spring birdings—I labelled “ Thisbe,” and she had evidently inspired affection of no mean degree in the hearts of two enthusiastic swains, Strong-i’-th’-lung and Eugéne. I know all this because Thisbe’s home is a small tuft of grass not distant from my bedroom, and her admirers wooed her at long range from opposite corners of my field. Now, as a cursory study of ornith- ology will tell you, the corncrake's method of attracting his bride is by song, and the criterion of excellence in C.C. circles is that the song shall be protracted, consistent and perfectly monotonous. To those who are un- acquainted with his note I would describe it as rather similar to the intermittent buzzing noise which an inexperienced telephone operator lets loose when she can’t think of a wrong number to give you. It has also points of resemblance to the periodic thud of the valve of a motor-tube when one is running on a deflated tyre. But there is no real standard of comparison, As a musical feat it is unique, and I for one am glad it is. It was night. Eugéne was in pos- session of the stage when I began to take an interest in the romance. I cannot say for how long he had sere- naded his divinity before I became} conscious of his lay, but I do know that thereafter he put in one anda half hours of good solid craking before he desisted. I then felt grateful for the silence, rolled over and prepared to get on with my postponed slumber. But Strong-i’-th’-lung decreed other- wise. With acontemptuous snort at his rival's performance he opened his epic. He was splendid, For one and three- ninths hours he descanted on the glories of field life, on the freshness of the night, on the brilliance of the June foliage ; for the next two hours he ardently- pro- claimed thesurpassing beautyofThishe’s eye, the glossiness of her plumage, the neatness of her claw, and he wound up with a mad twenty minutes of piercing monotony as he depicted the depth of his devotion for her. When he ceased, in a silence which was almost deafening, I could visualise Thisbe dimpling with satisfaction and undoubtedly filled with tenderness to- ward a lover capable of expressing him- self so eloquently. I turned over with a sigh of relief and closed my eyes in pleasurable anticipation of rest. But Eugéne felt it necessary to reply. I think his intention was to crake dis- belief of his rival's sincerity, to throw cold water on his burning professions, perhaps even to question the excellence of his intentions. But his nerve was obviously shaken by his competitor's undoubtedly fine performance, and he craked indecisively. At 4.30 a.m. I dis- tinctly heard him utter a flat note. At 4.47 he missed the second part of a bar entirely. Thisbe’s beak, I must believe, curled derisively ; Strong-i’-th’-lung laughed contemptuously,andat5.10a.M. Eugéne faltered, stammered and fled from the field defeated. The sequel I have had to build up on rather fragmentary data, but it appears that Eugéne fled as far as Pudberry Parva, and endeavoured to cool his dis- comfiture in a dewy hayfield. To him there came an old crone, the “ father and mother” of all corncrakes, who comforted him, cossetted him, and from a fund of deep experience offered him hints on voice production, She also gave him of a nostrum of toadwort and garlic, which mollified his lacerated chords, and she prescribed massage of the throat by rubbing against a young wi stem. | | Within two days Eugéne was back in my field. In tones that feigned to falter he craked a few bars to open the per- formance. Strong-i’-th’-lung at once rose fullof pitying confidence and craked for two and a half hours the song of the practically accepted suitor. It was a good song, and Thisbe seemed pleased, though I fancy she rather resented the note of assurance which he imparted to his ballad. Then Eugéne came on. Bearing well in mind all the instruction of his recant benefactress, hecommenced at11.45 p.m. such a maste: piece as has never before been heard in the bird world. His con- sistency of period was masterly, his | iteration superb and his even monotony incomparable. Crake succeeded crake | with dull regular inevitability. So far jas | know he carried his bat. He was still playing strongly when I fell on a | troubled sleep about 5.30... . The next day, walking through the jfield, I put up two birds which flew | away together, One was Thisbe. And | the other? Well, not Strong-i’-th’-lung. jt stumbled across him a little later, | dead without a wound. | “WANTED Music Master for 2 girls Mincing Machine.”—Local Paper. One way or another they seem deter- mined that the poor girls shall be “ put through it.” ; also SHOULD MILLIONAIRES READ HOMER? Tue recent discovery of a London millionaire, who not only lives in a small suburban villa, where his wife dispenses with servants, goes to bed at 7.30 p.m. and rises at 3 A.m., but reads Homer in the Greek, has caused a sensation. His endeavours to prove to a doubting world the truth of a favourite British adage is admirable; and his modest establishment only bears out what the millionaires keep on telling us, that, owing to high taxation and the abnor- mal cost of luxuries, they must really be reckoned as poor men. But his study of Homer provokes a difference of opinion. Our representative, in interviewing a venerable sociologist on the subject, vas told that the study of Greek for millionaires is, within proper limits, comparatively harmless, but that Ho- MER contains the elements of danger. “It is in Homer's apotheosis of heroism in human combat that the peril lies,” he said. ‘ Having regard to the part played in the past by finan- ciers in the wars between civilised nations, the security of the League of Nations will be threatened if the mil- lionaires of to-day come under the spell of that great poet, who, with all his ex- cellent qualities, directed his genius so persistently to the praise of warfare.” One of the millionaire class was next approached, and was asked what he thought of millionaires reading Homer, “Why not?” heasked. ‘Some mil- lionaires are great readers. I am one myself. There are not half-a-dozen of OpprpENHEIM’s I haven't read; and I like Hatin Caine—and Ernent Deti’s not bad. Who is this Homer? If he's any good I may as well order him.” “ Well, Homer was a poet, you know, a—"” “I’ve no use for poetry,” said the millionaire. “ A Greek poet, who lived———’’ “Greek. A Greek, did you say?” A shrewd look came into his eyes. “Some of the cutest devils I know are Greeks.” He pulled down a shirt-cuff and took a diamond-studded pencil from his waistcoat pocket. ‘ How do you spell it? With an H?” “POULTRY AND EGGS. Belfast or Neighbourhood.—Locum Tenency or Sunday duty wanted by well-known Rector during holiday.”—Jrish Paper. It looks as if he had been mistaken for a Lay-reader, “ Nothing is left of the knave of the church, but the choir still remains.”— Scotch Paper. We are glad they discarded the knave. —— ‘ :

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om ou t ncy ctor for rch, er. ave. Jury 21, 1920} BE ROON OWER!” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) Double Life (Grant Ricnarps) is a story that unblush- ingly bases its appeal on the love of almost everyone for a fairy-tale of good fortune. The matter of it is to show how a lady amateur, wife of a novelist, herself hardly knowing one end of a horse from the other, might make forty thousand pounds in a year on the Turf, without even her own husband so much as suspecting her activities. The thing isn’t likely, is indeed a fantasy of the wildest improbability ; but, told with the zest imparted to it here by Mr. Grant Ricuarps, it provides first-rate fun. Some danger of monotony there was bound to be in what is really a varia- tion upon a single theme. Though the author cunningly avoids this, I think it might justly be observed that he has made Olivia's plunges almost too uniformly successful. But perhaps not; after all, while you are handling fairy-gold, why he niggardly of it? The heroine's introduction to horse-racing comes about through the unconscious agency of her husband, who takes her with him on a visit to New- market in search of local colour for a “sporting’’ novel. The resulting situation reaches its climax in what is the best scene of the book, when Geoffrey, returning from a race that he has visited alone, but upon which Olivia, unknown to him, has risked thousands, recounts its progress in the best manner of realistic fiction, wholly ignorant of the true cause of what seems such flattering agitation in the listener. Altogether a happy if not very subtle story which I am glad that Mr. Grant Ricnarps could persuade himself to publish. Country Cousin (who suffers from his wife's elbow at each crossing). “OO! LAWKS, Maria! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 59 NEXT TIME WE’VE TO CROSS LEMME To write, as Mr. R. W. CuamsBers has written, fifty-two novels, many of them excellent and all readable, while still on the right side of sixty, is an achievement of intelligent industry that entitles any novelist, at the latter end, to take matters a little easily. The Moonlit Way (ArrLEetTon) has neither the imaginative qualities of The King in Yellow, the humour of In Search of the Unknown, nor the adventurous tang of Ashes of Empire, but it is a good live story that will carry the reader's interest to the last page. Mr. CHAMBERS is at his best when dealing with spies and secret service agents and scheming chancellors and the other subter- ranean apparatus of war and diplomacy; at his least interesting when depicting affluent young America on its native heath of New York bricks and mortar. The Moonlit Way deals with all these things and more. We are whisked from the Bosphorus to the Welland Canal on the heels of Germany's ‘“ War in the United States,” and French Secret Service officers, German saloon keepers and Sinn Fein revo- lutionaries jostle one another for a place in our interest. The novel-reading public knows that it is quite safe in buy- ing any story by Mr. CuAmpers, and, if it does not expect too much of The Moonlit Way, it will not be disappointed. Lately, volumes of individual memorial to dead youth seem to have become less frequent, Perhaps there was a suggestion that the making of them, or rather their publica- tion for the eyes of strangers, was in danger of being over- done. However this may be, I think that, quite apart from the appeal of circumstance, there would always have been a welcome for such a bright-natured book as one that Father Ronatp Knox has put together, mostly from diaries

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60 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Juty 21, 1920, and letters, about Patrick Shaw-Stewart (Couiins). Eton and Balliol will agree that there could be no biographer better fitted to record the life, as happy seemingly as it was fated to be short, of one who combined success with popu- larity at both these places, was caught by the War on the threshold of a wider career, served his country with very notable distinction and was killed in the winter of 1917. Though he met death in France, the most of Snaw- Srewart’s war-service was on the Eastern front; in particular he saw more than most soldiers of the whole Gallipoli adventure, to which he went as a member of that amazing company—surely the very flower of this country’s war contribution—the Hood Battalion of the R.N.V.R. Here he was the comrade of many of those whom England has especially delighted to honour: Rupert Brooke, Denis-Brownr, Cuartes Lister and others, all of whom figure in these vivid and most attractive letters ; from which also one gathers an engaging picture of SHaw-Srewarr himself, a generously admiring, humorous and entirely inde- pendent young Tory in a band of brilliant revolutionaries. In fine a hook (despite its theme of promise sacrificed) full! of laughter and a sin-| gularly charming char- acter-study of one who, in his biographer’s phrase, was assuredly “ not one of the passen- gers of his generation.” Miss Exta Sykes, after going with her brother and a camera on his special mission to Kashgar during the earlier days of the War, hasdetailedin charming fashion, under the title Through Deserts and | Oases of Central Lsia | (MACMILLAN), their| travels in lands. still} +s J] 4 ; almost unknown. Sir} ak Percy Sykes himself Eminent Botanist on scientific expediti hasadded somechapters » ae 7 eae . ‘ ; > ZOOLOGY INsTEAD OF BoTany? THis SEEMS BUCH AN INTERESTING SPECIMEN.” j pores bored and there war-student it is in its unassuming way very attractive, Captain Kermit RooseveLt made many friends while serving as a Captain with the Motor Machine-Gun Corps in Mesopotamia, and here he reveals himself as a keen soldier and a pleasant companion. In style he is perhaps a shade too jerky; his frequent failure to make his con- nections gives one a sense of being in the hands of a rather rambling guide. But the important points are that he is an engaging rambler, and that he can describe his experi- jences both of war and peace with so clear a simplicity that | they can be easily visualized. When the American Army arrived in France Captain RoosEvetT naturally wished to join it, and his last chapter is called “ With the First Division in France and Germany.” But for us the main interest of his book lies in the work he did with the British |in Mesopotamia, and to thank him for this would seem to | be an impertinence. Mr. Arxoutp Benyett’s Fiom the-Log of the Velsa \(CHatro) deals with some vague period before the War (dates are most carefully concealed), when the versatile author undertook ce: WN | tain cruises up and down Dutch canals, the | Baltic, French, Flemish and Danish coasts and Fast Anglian estuaries with companions about whom he preserves an | equally mysterious silence. (Was it secret service, wonder?) A delightful book. pro- duced with something like pre-war attention | |to «esthetic appearance | au pleasant quarto | with roomy pages faith- | | fully printed in a fai | bype. You ought to ECIALIST. jenjoy the owner's evi dent enjoyment (he was | m. “Dean we! Way pipn’r 1 vake cr on the history and customs of the district in order to allow himself the pleasure of referring affectionately to his hunting of the giant sheep—the Ovis poli—of the Pamirs. Between them they have given me a good deal of information, with a lot of really capital photographs, about a country——Chinese Turkestan—that one may have just heard of before, though it is impossible to be sure. Resisting a burning desire to pass on newly-acquired learning to the first listener, I will be content to say that a more readable volume of its kind has not come my way for a long time, and incidentally the country itself seems surprisingly desirable. For one thing it is free from the mosquitoes that spoil so many books of travel, while the people are peaceful, reasonably contented and not liable to jar on the reader's nerves, in the time honoured fashion, with spears and poisoned arrows. Even the yaks, that one had supposed to be fearsome beasts, are mild benevolent pacifists. The authors do not suggest that it is all Paradise, of course, though for the Moslem there may be something of that sort in it. “ Praise be to Allah! I have four obedient wives, who spend all their days in trying to please me,” said a Kirghiz farmer to Sir Percy. But even Paradise may be a matter of taste. If War in the Garden of Eden (Mcrray) cannot be num- bered among the books which must be read | ya serious fore never boring), his charmingly ingenuous pride of possession, his shrewd humorous and excessively didactic utterances about painters, pictures, architecture and female beauty, his zeal for water colour sketching and his apparently profound contempt of other exponents of the craft. Nothing could be less like (1 thank Heaven) the ordinary yachtsman’s recollections of his travels, and I get an impression that Mr. Bennett was not ill-pleased to leave most of the work and the technical knowledge to his skipper. “Crépe de Chine in oyster white will show th« top of the dress | embroidered to the knees in some unconventional design of black and | a deeper shade of white.”—Daily Paper. “The bridesmaid’s dress was of heavy white « répe-de-chine, of pale apricot shade.”—Prorincial Paper. CanxinG must have had a premonition of the modern fashions when he wrote in The New Morality, “ Black's not so black, nor white so very white.” From a booksellers advertisement :— ‘Mr. - has the way of when you finish one of his most in- teresting books that you really cannot help yourself by reading all.” Newfoundland Paper. Not being quite sure whether this is a compliment or not we have suppressed the distinguished author’s name.

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i ' | standing at the old price 3. | about the most sensible thing the bird | | sion, passengers can now travel from | ployers for five pounds | | ten | when not seven pounds a week | more Jury 28, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 61 CHARIVARIA. ‘Tue public will not stand for in- creased railway fares,” says a contein- They have had much porary. too A Mile End man writes to The Daily Express to say that one of his ducks laid four eggs in one day. It seems could have done ge them. As a result of a ‘ecent Tube exten- | the Bank to Ealing in thirty-five min- utes. It is further claimed that the route passes under some of the most beautiful scenery in England. . + Mersev shipyard ‘workers have ms ade A Newbury man has succeeded in breeding pink- coated tame rats. It is said that the Prohibitionists hope to exterminate these, as they did the green ones. oo A blunder of thirty million pounds in the estimates for British operations in Russia is revealed in a White Paper. It is expected that the Government will bequeath it to the nation. + ,* Owing to the high cost of material we understand that a certain pill is to-day worth £1 11s. 6d. a box. ++ The Sinn Feiners now threaten to capture one of en new battleships. | We sincerely hope that the Government will place a caretaker on board each | of our most valuable Dreadnoughts. | a demand on their em- { shillings a week | working and when working. This proposal todiseriminate ' between the men who | work and those who} don't is condemned in | advanced trade | union circles as savour- ing dangerously of capi- talism ‘One evening at Co- vent Garden,” says M. Aspet HerMant in Le Temps, will teach more correct behaviour than six months’ lessonsfrom f a certified professor o! TRUE “Your EEL POLITENESS. I THINK, Str?” finished playing. It was at first feared that they had overblown themselves. * * * . “A true lover of nature is nowadays very hard to find,’ complains a writer in a Nature journal. Yet we know a | golfer who always shouts “ Fore!” on slicing a ball into-a spinney. | = @ The two African lions which escaped | from the Zoo in Portugal have‘not yet been captured, and were last seen near the border-line of Switzerland. It is | thought that they are endeavouring to walk across Europe as a reprisal for “the flight across Africa by two Europeans. » *% * The Dublin Trades Council called a | one-day strike last week “ to secure the release of Mr. James LARKIN.” cessful was the strike, we understand, 1 that the United States | authorities havedecided that the presence of Mr. LARKIN at forthcoming celebrations of a simi- llar character would be | quite superfluous. * * + Speaking to an audi- ence of miners at Mor- | | DONALD Said he dreamed of a time when the miners ‘would govern the country. Not even | the miners, on the other lhand, would dream of lletting Mr. Ramsay MAcDONALD govern it. * * * ‘Does the Govern- ment realise,” asks a etiquette.” Opinion among the smart set is divided as to whether he means Covent Garden Theatre or Covent Gar- den Market. Por ~ The Bolshevists in Petrograd are finding a difficulty in the appointment of a public executioner. This is just the chance for a man who wants a nice steady job. = On looking up our diary we find that the Map Murxan is just about due to be killed again. We wonder if anything is being done in the matter. ~ ~ A German merchant i is anxious to get into touch with a big stamp- -dealer in this country. Our feeling is that the Postmaster-GENERAL is the man he Wants * * * We are asked to deny the rwnour that Sir Pitre Sassoon has been ap- pointed touring manager to the Peace Conference. eee A Lanarkshire magistrate the other day doubted whether a miner could re- member details of an accident which happened two years ago. It is said that the miner had vivid recollections of the affair as it happened to be the day he was at work It is urged that all taxi-cabs should have a coweatcher in front in case of accidents. We gather that the drivers are quite willing provided they are al- lowed to charge for anyone they pick up as an “extra.” * * > It is reported that the muzzling order may come into force again in South Wales. We understand that a dog which thoughtlessly attempted to bark in Welsh in the main street of Cardiff was responsible for the belief that rabies had broken out again. + + During a brass-band contest a few days ago three members of the winning band were taken ill just after they had newspaper correspondent, “that as re- gards the situation in Lreland we are on the edge of a crater or with a thun- derbolt over our We rather imagine that the Government, like the writer, isn't quite sure which, * * heads ?”’ . Oswestry Guardians have accepted an offer to supply Bibles to tramps. This is the first occasion on which the current belief that the tramp class is the ranks of the minor clergy has re- ceived formal recognition. = A bricklayer has been summoned for not sending his son to school. It ap- pears that the father, finding his boy could count up to twenty and wishing him to follow own thought further schooling unnecessary. his the need of the Government,” says an essayist, “we shall travel far.” not at twopence a mile, thank you. VOL, CLIX, So suc- | |peth Mr. Ramsay Mac- | nowadays being recruited largely from occupation, | ‘When the country really understands But | |

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i i Fi t ' Se na ee pa pe a ncn marron ee ermers-aee | | i i ; i | move along one pace afterr every word 62 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee [JuLy 28, 1920, A CRIMINAL TYPE. To-pay I am MAKing aN inno6£va- tion. as you mayalready have gessed, I am typing this article myself Zzi In- stead of writing it, The idea is to save time and exv BKpense, a also to demon- styap demonBTrike= =damn, to de- monstratO that I can type /ust as well as any blessedgirl lf I give my mInd toiT”” Typlng while you compose is realy extraoraordin: urrily easy, though composing whilr you typE is more difti- cult. I rather think my typing style is going to be different froM my u6sual style, but Idaresay noone will mind that much. looking back i see that we made rather a hash of that awfuul wurd extra- orordinnaryk? in the middle of a woRd like thaton N-e gets quite lost? 2hy do I keep putting questionmarks instead of fulstopSI wonder. Now you see i have put a fulllstop instead Of a ques- tion mark it nevvvver reins but it pours. the typewriter to me has always been a mustery£? and even now that I have gained a perfect mastery over the machine in gront of me i have npt th3 faintest idea hoW it workss% or in- stance why does the thingonthetop the kind of overhead Wailway arrrangement I haVe exam(@aaa ined the mechanism from all points of view but there seeems to be noreason atall do t£is in: it is Just lik real life. are all kinds oF attractive devisesand levers andbuttons of which is amanvel in itself, and does somethl5g useful without lettin on how it does iT. Forinstance on this machinE which is A mi/et a mijge7 imean a mi/dgt, made of alumium,, and very light sothat you caN CARRY it about on your £olidays (there is that £ again) and typeout your poems onthe Moon diately, keys for capITals and ordinay latters ; when you want todoa Capital you press down a special key marked cap i mean CAP with the lefft hand and yo7 press down the letter withthe other, like that abed, no, ABCDEFG how jolly that looks . as a mattr of fact th is takes a little gettingintoas all the letters on the keys are printed incapitals so now immmme- and then one forgets topress downthe SPecial capit al key. not often, though. on the other hand onceone £as got it down and has written anice nam e in capitals like LLOYdgeORGE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REmemBER TO PUTIT DOWN AGAIN ANDTHE N YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING LOOOK OF . or els insted of preSSing down the key marked CAP onepresses down the key m arked FIG WICH SPOILS THE THE HOLE PAGE . damn that &, it keeps butting | | whyit shouould | green instead of in black; | then there | i and there is onely one lot of and then insted of LLOYDG EORGE you find that you have written 3396% : 394:3. this is very dissheartening and £t is no wonder that typists are sooften sououred in ther youth. Apart fromthat though the key marked FIG is rather fun , since you can rite such amusing things withit, things like % and @ and dear old &| not to mention = and } and j and!!! i find that inones ordinarry (i never get | that word right) orresponden£c | one doesnt use expressions like (@@ and % % % nearly enough. typewriting gives you a new ideaof possibilities of the engli£h thE llook at % the to Be: and like the simple flowers of | england itis per£aps most beautiful Look atit cor language ; more i when seeen in the masss, oorOUra ao a oO Cc ¥ Oo > c 0 f/f f/f 0 0 0 0 2) © (/O 3) 0 ), oO o a oO oO o . o d © oO + A 8) 2] 0 0 /fO AA a) t o o °o © oO ° oa o © o oO n 011) HAHA © Pf | yo oO VvouwaAaWeY ea weaoo IO A 0/0 7A « 0 fA A how would thatdo for a BA I hrc 0M wallpaper ? it could be produced verery cheaply and itcould be calld the CHER RYdesigN damn, imeant to put all that in capitals. afraid this articleis spoilt now but butt bUt curse. But iam ;|perhaps the most excitingthing a£out | this mac£ine is that you can by presss- ing alittle switch suddenly writein redor [ donvt un- {t is done butit is very jollY? busisisness men us e the device a gre t deal wen bersof jderstanh how writing to their mem- PARLI Ament, in order to em- phasasise the pointin wich the£r in£us- tice is worSe than anyone elses in£us- tice . wen they come to WE ARE RUINED they burst out into red and wen they come to WE w WOULD remIND YOU tHAT ATtHE LAST ELECTION yoU UNDERTOOk they burst into GReeN. thei r typists must enjoy doing those letters. with this arrang ment of corse one coul d do allkinds of capital wallpapers. for (n- stance wat about a scheme of red £’s and black %’s and gReen &’s? this sort of thing £% © £ rs) £4 2) £% % & % &L&L&LE £& £ 1m» £% £% EES KELKLKLKLEE Manya poor man would be glad to fave that in his parLour ratherthan wat he has got now. of corse, you wont be ab?e to apreciate the fulll bauty of the design since i underst and that the retehed paper which is going to print this has no redink and no green ing either; so you must £ust immagine that the £’s are red and the &’s are green. it is extroarordinarry (wat a t erribleword!!!) how backward in ae more beautiful it seems MAny waYs these uptodate papers are 11 3 » wwwwilihi=j now how did that happen i wond er; i was experime nting ; if that is with the BACK SPACE key shall use it wat it is for 1 dont thing i | again. il wonder if i am impriving at ithiss sometimes i thing i am and | so metimes i thing iam not. we have | not had so many £’s lately but i notice ithat the vere have been one or two mis- | placed q's & icannot remember to write iin capitals there it goes again Of curse the typewriter itself is not wolly giltless Jike all macéines it has | amind of it sown and is of like passsions | with ourselves. i could put that into igreek if only the machine was not so | hope lessly MOde am. it’s chief failing is ithat it cannot write m’sdecently and instead of h it will keep putting that confounded £. as amatter of fact ithas |been doing m’s rather better today butthat is only its cusssedussedness and because i have been opening my shoul ders wenever we have come to an m; or should it be A m?~ who can tell; m’s different are very important & wfen one is bying a typewiter one sould make careful enquiries about theme; because it is things of that sort wich so often give criminals away. there is notHing a detective likes so much as a type riter an idioynq damit an idiotyncrasy . for instance if i commit a murder i sfould not thing of writing a litter give me away at once I daresay scot- land Yard have got specimens of my trypewriting locked up in some pigeon- hole allready. if they f£avent they ought to; it ought to be part of my dosossier. i thing the place of the hypewriter in ART is inshufficiently apreciated. Modern art i understand is chiefly sum- bolical expression and straigt lines. a typwritr can do strait lines with the under lining mark) and there are few more atractive symbols thaN the sym- bols i have used in this articel; i merely thro out the sugestion ‘I dont tkink i shal do many more articles like this it is tooo much like work? but I am glad I have got out of that £ habit; A.P.&. “PRISON FOR FLAT LANDLORDS.” Evening Paper. Good. But is nothing going to be done about the landlords with round figures? “With favourable sieiien, ‘Thatcham can look forward to a pre-war show this year.” Local Paper. Apparently Thatcham carries its eyes in the back of its head. little peculiuliarities like making in- | with an idiosxz | about it with this of all typewriters | becusa because that fool ofa £ would |

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\{ | 4 aah | ik \ \N i 4 \ N ‘ iN a be nd an yes SQUEEZE THE ~ PUNCH, \ ‘ \ i | | nee \ he wu ' ¥ th bh rp yA a z AS InpIGNant Lopaine-Hovuse Keeper. “AND TO OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jury 28, 1920, wil Wh) : NNN Ho. | NN ce th i Noe H 1~s N vil. Sn ; i { w ih “ fj ; y ray \ \ A SEA-VIEW OF THE SITUATION. THINK OF THAT THERE ERIC WANTING TO "EM.” POOR HOLIDAY-MAKERS: BEFORE I GETS AT

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wor wegen oecenes as 62 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A CRIMINAL TYPE. To-pay I am MAKing aN inno6£va- tion. as you mayalready have gessed, I am typlng this article myself Zz}1n- stead of writing it, The idea is to save time and exvBKpense, also to demon- styap demonBTrike= =damn, to de- monstratO that I can type /ust as well as any blessedgirl 1f1 give my mInd to iT”” Typing while you compose is | realy extraoraordinarrily easy, though composing whilr you typE is more diffi- cult. I rather think my typing style is going to be different froM my u6sual style, but Idaresay noone will mind that much. looking back i see that we made rather a hash of that awfuul wurd extra- orordinnaryk? in the middle of a woRd like thaton N-e gets quite lost? 2hy do I keep putting questionmarks instead of fulstopSI wonder. Now you see i have put a fulllstop instead Of a ques- tion mark it nevvvver reins but it pours. the typewriter to me has always been a mustery£? and even now that | have gained a perfect mastery over the machine in gront of me i have npt th3 | faintest idea hoW it workss% or in- stance why does the thingonthetop the kind of overhead Wailway arrrangement move along one pace afterr every word; I haVe exam @aaa ined the mechanism from all points of view but there seeems to be noreason atall do t£is . damn that &, it keeps butting in: it is Just lik real life. then there are all kinds oF attractive devisesand levers andbuttons of which is amanvel in itself, and does somethl5g useful without lettin on how it does iT. Forinstance on this machinE which is A mi/et a mijge7 imean a mi/dgt, made of alumium,, and very light sothat you caN CARRY it about on your £olidays (there is that £ again) and typeout your poems onthe Moon immmme- diately, and there is onely one lot of keys for capITals and ordinay latters ; when you want todoa Capital you press down a special key marked cap i mean CAP with the lefft hand and yo7 press down the letter withthe other, like that abed, no, ABCDEFG how jolly that looks . as a mattr of fact th is takes a little gettingintoas all the letters on the keys are printed incapitals so now and then one forgets topress downthe SPecial capit al key. not often, though. on the other hand onceone £as got it down and has written anice nam e in capitals like LLOYdgeORGE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REmemBER TO PUT IT DOWN AGAIN ANDTHE N YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING WICH SPOILS THE LOOOK OF THE HOLE PAGE . or els insted of preSSing down the key marked CAP onepresses down the key m arked FIG and then insted of LLOYDGEORGE you find that you have written 396% : 394:3. this is very dissheartening and £t. is no wonder that typists are sooften sououred in ther youth. Apart fromthat though the key marked FIG is rather fun , since you can rite such amusing things withit, things like % and @ and dear old & not to mention = and } and } and!!! i find that inones ordinarry (i never get that word right) cor orresponden£c one doesnt use expressions like @@ | y and % % % nearly enough. typewriting | whyit shouould | | gives you a new ideaof possibilities of | ithe engli£{h language; thE more i| j\look at % the more beautiful it seems | ito Be: and like the simple flowers of lengland itis per£aps most beautiful | when seeen in the masss, Look atit aorOrOUT Ura YaUAY YY DG 0D ff Hf ALA AP fp a o Go o o & Oo ° o o 0 Df © DM fH ff AA fp & oO a a o a oO o o g o j LH HAHAHA RH LRP *D | o”7roOr UvYaUvAa ATAU AY &Y Oo 0 ADD ff fA fA fA A how would thatdo for a BAThrooM wallpaper ? it could be produced verery cheaply and itcould be calld the CHER | RYdesigN damn, imeant to put all that in capitals. iam afraid this articleis spoilt now but butt bUt curse. But perhaps the most excitingthing a£out this mac£ine is that you can by presss- ling alittle switch suddenly writein redor green instead of in black; I donvt un- iderstanh how £t is done butit is very | joll Y? busisisness men us e the device a gre t deal wen writing to their mem- bersof PARLJ Ament, in order to em- phasasise the pointin wich the£r in£us- tice 1s worSe than anyone elses in£us- tice. wen they come to WE ARE RUINED they burst out into red and wen they come to WE Ww WOULD remIND YOU tHAT ATtHE LAST ELECTION yoU UNDERTOOKk they burst into GReeN. thei r typists must lenjoy doing those letters. with this arrang ment of corse one coul d do allkinds of capital wallpapers. for \n- stance wat about a scheme of red £’s and black %’s and gReen &’s? this sort of thing £% £% £E% ERE &KLA&LKLKELKE 1 £% £%ERES &KEKLKEEKEKE Manya poor man would be glad to fave that in his parLour ratherthan wat he has got now. of corse, you wont be ab?e to apreciate the full] bauty of the design since i underst and that the retched paper which is going to print this has no redink and no green ing either; so you must £ust immagine that the £’s are red and the &’s are green. it is extroarordinarry (wat a t erribleword!!!) how backward in MAny waYs these uptodate papers are wwwwiiiiiij=? now how did that happen i wond er; i was experimenting with the BACK SPACE key ; if that is wat it is for i dont thing i shall use it again. il wonder if i am impriving at thiss sometimes i thing i am and so metimes i thing iam not. we have not had so many £’s lately but i notice that theere have been one or two mis- placed q’s & icannot remember to write iin capitals there it goes again. Of curse the typewriter itself is not wolly giltless Jike all macdines it has amind of it sown and is of like passsions with ourselves. i could put that into greek if only the machine was not so hopelessly MOdern. it’s chief failing is that it cannot write m’sdecently and instead of h it will keep putting that confounded £. as amatter of fact ithas been doing m’s rather better today butthat is only its cusssedussedness and | because i have been opening my shoul ders wenever we have come to an m; or should it be Am? who can tell; little peculiuliarities like making in- different m’s are very important & wen one is bying a typewiter one sfould make careful enquiries about theme; because it is things of that sort wich so often give criminals away. there is notHing a detective likes so much as a type riter with an idiosxz an idioynq damit an idiotyncrasy, for instance if i commit a murder i s£ould not thing of writing a litter about it with this of all typewriters becusa because that fool ofa £ would give me away at once I daresay scot- land Yard have got specimens of my trypewriting locked up in some pigeon- hole allready. if they £avent they ought to; it ought to be part of my dosossier, i thing the place of the hypewriter in ART is inshufficiently apreciated. Modern art i understand is chiefly sum- bolical expression and straigt lines. @ typwritr can do strait lines with the under lining mark) and there are few more atractive symbols thaN the sym- bols i have used in this articel ; i merely thro out the sugestion I dont tkink i shal do many more articles like this it is tooo much like work? but I am glad I have got out of that £ habit; A.P.£. 4 “PRISON FOR FLAT LANDLORDS.” Evening Paper. Good. But is nothing going to be done about the landlords with round figures? “With favourable weather, Thatcham can look forward to a pre-war show this year.” Local Paper. Apparently Thatcham carries its eyes in the back of its head. ee [JuLy 28, 1920,

Page 107

re an jes

pera Bae ae ee

| , + | qc: ryt Ty ” | SQUEEZE THE POOR HOLIDAY-MAKERS: BEFORE I GETS AT ‘EM.

_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Joux 28, 1920,

7 \ LL Zz ‘* = oa ¥ eee ee + Lit 2 . “ * =z y Z " Co ga, Samy 7 Z i / 7 4 Vij, A) kee Po ae YH i sO eet . . ; < 3 ; Sf tL ha: Yif4// fe? ‘s ; j ; ma : Ua Vj Si tps CLI Z Soo Ses = SS S A SEA-VIEW OF THE SITUATION. Inpianant Lopaixc-House Kreerer. “AND TO THINK OF THAT THERE ERIC WANTING TO

Page 108

RAN ae 62 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juny 28, 1920, A CRIMINAL TYPE. To-pay I am MAKing aN inno6£va- tion. as you mayalready have gessed, I am typing this article myself Zz}1n- stead of writing it, The idea is to save time and exvBKpense, also to demon- styap demonBTrike= =damn, to de- monstratO that I can type /ust as well as any blessedgirl 1f 1 give my mind to iT”” Typlng while you compose is realy extraoraordinarrily easy, though composing whilr you typE is more diffi- cult. I rather think my typing style is going to be different froM my usual style, but Idaresay noone will mind that much. looking back i see that we made rather a hash of that awfuul wurd extra- orordinnaryk? in the middle of a woRd like thaton N-e gets quite lost? 2hy do I keep putting questionmarks instead of fulstopSI wonder. Now you see i have put a fulllstop instead Of a ques- tion mark it nevvvver reins but it pours. the typewriter to me has always been a mustery£? and even now that | have gained a perfect mastery over the machine in gront of me i have npt th3 faintest idea hoW it workss% or in- stance why does the thingonthetop the kind of overhead Wailway arrrangement move along one pace afterr every word ; I haVe exam @aaa ined the mechanism from all points of view but there seeems to be noreason atall whyit shouould do t£is . damn that £, it keeps butting in: it is Just lik real life. then there levers andbuttons of which is amanvel in itself, and does somethldg useful without lettin on how it does iT. Forinstance on this machinE which is A mi/et a mijge7 imean a mi/dgt, made of alumium,, and very light sothat you caN CARRY it about on your £olidays (there is that £ again) and typeout your poems onthe Moon immmme- diately, and there is onely one lot of keys for capITals and ordinay latters ; when you want todoa Capital you press down a special key marked cap i mean CAP with the lefft hand and yo7 press down the letter withthe other, like that abed, no, ABCDEFG how jolly that looks . as a mattr of fact th is takes a little gettingintoas all the letters on the keys are printed incapitals so now and then one forgets topress downthe SPecial capit al key. not often, though. on the other hand onceone £as got it down and has written anice nam e in capitals like LLOYdgeORGE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REmemBER TO PUT IT DOWN AGAIN ANDTHE N YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING WICH SPOILS THE LOOOK OF THE HOLE PAGE . or els insted of preSSing down the key marked CAP onepresses down the key m arked FIG and then insted of LLOYDGEORGE you find that you have written 396% : 394:3. this is very dissheartening and £t is no wonder that typists are sooften sououred in ther youth. Apart fromthat though the key marked FIG is rather fun , since you can rite such amusing things withit, things like % and @ and dear old & not to mention = and } and j and!!! i find that inones ordinarry (i never get that word right) cor orresponden£c one doesnt use expressions like @@ and % % % nearly enough. typewriting gives you a new ideaof possibilities of the engli£{h language; thE more i look at % the more beautiful it seems to Be: and like the simple flowers of england itis per£aps most beautiful when seeen in the masss, Look atit ovo qyvors#waeeaegeagavesvye eo 0 AA AAA AAA AA fp omyvaqoodngod’wgsngwe#sena a ao oe 0 AAA € 0 DADA AP A gvourOgWoaeagaWvaaY”Adsd MQ 90ND A AAA ALA f/f ao &Y &Y WY Y Oo oO «¢ 0 0 AAA A f/f yooesos a 0) 77 A A A how would thatdo for a BAThrooM wallpaper ? it could be produced verery cheaply and iteould be calld the CHER RYdesigN damn, imeant to put all that in capitals. iam afraid this articleis spoilt now but butt bUt curse. But perhaps the most excitingthing a£out this mac£ine is that you can by presss- | ing alittle switch suddenly writein redor green instead of in black; I donvt un- derstanh how £t is done butit is very | jollY? busisisness men us e the device a are all kinds oF attractive devisesand | gre t deal wen writing to their mem- bersof PARL]Ament, in order to em- phasasise the pointin wich the£r in£us- tice is worSe than anyone elses in£us- tice. wen they come to WE ARE RUINED they burst out into red and wen they come to WE w WOULD remIND YOU tHAT ATtHE LAST ELECTION yoU UNDERTOOK they burst into GReeN. their typists must enjoy doing those letters. with this arrang ment ol corse one coul a do allkinds of capital wallpapers. for (n- stance wat about a scheme of red £'s and black %'s and gReen &'s? this sort of thing £% £% EW EKEN &£& L£&LKEKE £% £% £% £%E% KLKELKEKLKE Manya poor man would be glad to fave that in his parLour ratherthan wat he has got now. of corse, you wont be ab?e to apreciate the fulll bauty of the design since i underst and that the retehed paper which is going to print this has no redink and no green ing either; so you must £ust immagine that the £’s are red and the &’s are green. it is extroarordinarry (wat a t erribleword!!!) how backward in MAny waYs these uptodate papers are wwwwiiiiiis={ now how did that happen i wond er; i was experimenting with the BACK SPACE key ; if thatig wat it is for 1 dont thing i shall use it again. il wonder if i am impriving at this} sometimes i thing i am and so metimes i thing iam not. we have not had so many £’s lately but i notice that theere have been one or two mis- placed q’s & icannot remember to write iin capitals there it goes again. Of curse the typewriter itself is not wolly giltless Jike all macéines it has amind of it sown and is of like passsions with ourselves. i could put that into greek if only the machine was not so hopelessly MOdern. it’s chief failing is that it cannot write m’sdecently and instead of h it will keep putting that confounded £. as amatter of fact ithas been doing m’s rather better today butthat is only its cusssedussedness and because i have been opening my shoul ders wenever we have come to an m; or should it be A| m?~ who can tell; little peculiuliarities like making in- different m’s are very important & wfen one is bying a typewiter one s£ould make careful enquiries about theme; because it is things of that sort wich so often give criminals away, there is notHing a detective likes so much as a type riter with an idiosxz an idioynq damit an idiotyncrasy. for instance if i commit a murder i s£ould not thing of writing a litter about it with this of all typewriters becusa because that fool ofa £ would give me away at once I daresay scot- land Yard have got specimens of my trypewriting locked up in some pigeon- hole allready. if they £avent they ought to; it ought to be part of my dosossier, i thing the place of the hypewriter in ART is inshufficiently apreciated. Modern art i understand is chiefly sum- bolical expression and straigt lines. @ typwritr can do strait lines with the under lining mark) and there are few more atractive symbols thaN the sym- bols i have used in this articel; i merely thro out the sugestion I dont tkink i shal do many more articles like this it is tooo much like work? but I am glad I have got out of that £ habit ; A.P “PRISON FOR FLAT LANDLORDS.” Evening Paper. Good. But is nothing going to be done about the landlords with round figures? “With favourable weather, Thatcham can look forward to a pre-war show this year.” Local Paper. Apparently Thatcham carries its eyes in the back of its head. es sal Piano e

Page 109

PUNCH, OR THE oN m \\ G4? 4 we -y 4 ‘t WOLZEE Lig LLC YUWI2YE mpg LEN ZZ det fF; y pp "3 4 Ce LA aa? f f / Wf), A : a 7 mg LAE es Soe i SEE A SEA-VIEW OF THE SITUATION. Inpianant Lopaixe-Hovuse Kreerer. “AND TO THINK OF THAT THERE ERIC WANTING TO SQUEEZE THE POOR -HOLIDAY-MAKERS: BEFORE I GETS AT 'EM.”

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fa pn nn aes [JuLy 28, 1920, 64 ; PUNCH, oR ‘THE LONDON N CHARIVARI. all others I | i } | | | } | | Outraged Batsman, “Janse, OL DO BELIEVE YOoU'’M BOWLIN' DELIBERA AY MOI GAMMY LEG.” Jarge (feeling that something ought to be said), “ Way, Wittyum, Of THOUGHT THEY WAS BOTH GAMMY.™ | | moral are the love-affairs of E lizabe th. | beth departed in a whirl of enthusiasm ELIZABETH GOES ON HOLIDAY. No butterfly that flits from flower to} and brown paper parcels I turned de- | ‘Piease, 'm, may I go for my ‘oli-| flower could be more elusive than her | jectedly to the loathsome business of | days a week come Thursday?” asked | young men. Our district must swarm | housework. Elizabeth. She was evidently labour-| with this tickle type. It is a form of labour which above | ing under some strong excitement, fot ‘Do you think it right to go off on she panted as she spoke and so far for- got herself in her agitation as to take up the dust in the hall instead of sweep- ing it under the mat. ‘ But you promised to go on your holiday when we have ours in Sept- ember,’ I protested, aghast. (You will shortly understand the reason of my dismay.) ‘1 don’t see how | can pos sibly manage . “I'm sorry, then,” 'm, but I aust take ‘en interposed Blizabeth with a | horrid giving-notice gleam in her eye which | have learnt to dread. You] | see, My young man is ‘avin’ ‘is ‘olidays then an’—an' "-—she drew up her lank form and a look that was almost humat came into he to go with ‘im,’ effable pride. Iam aware that t an unusual arrangement amongst engaged couple S in the class to which Elizabeth belongs ; face . ‘e's she finished with in his is not nevertheless I felt it was the moment for judicious advice, knowing how ephe- XY i | their arsked me} | | one appeal was useless, and with ja holiday with a diffidently. Im! E isn’t a stranger,” Elizabeth. ‘Which vou stranger?” I began broke in ‘K's my young man. . 1 man?” ‘My new young man.” ‘But don't you think it would be better if he were not such a new young lan | mg [ mean, if he were an old young | man—er—perhaps I ought to say you be |should know him longer before you go jaway with him, It’s not quite the } thing Why, wot’s wrong with it?” de- jinanded Elizabeth, puzzled. | girls I know spends their ‘olidays with young men, an’ then it doesn’t nothink. That's the best of it’s the first time I’ve eve admitted, “an’ I a charnee like this for cost them lit. But ; Deen arsked, ; she wouldnt an eer on lose a sigh | resigned myself to the inevit- os when, able: ten days later, Eliza- * All the | | }monster demanding meals at too detest. My méticry is to write a great writer. to become is a culinary expert. Should you command your cook to turn out a short story she could not suffer more in the agonies of composition than I do in inaking a simple Yorkshire pudding. one day I even hope to become | But what I never hope | My household now passed into a| condition of settled gloom. My nerves began to suffer from the strain, and I came gradua ally to regard Henr yas less of a helpmate and more of a voracious tre- quent intervals. It made me with him. He too was far from forbe this crisis. In fact we were disillusioned with each other. One evening I was reflecting bitterly on matters like washing-up when Henry came in, Only a short time before we should have greeted each other cordially in a@ spirit of “camaraderie and affection. Now our conversation was something like this :-— peevish uring 1D vetting

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| | dinner yet! 1 strained we were getting. into holes. Juty 28, 1920.] PUNCH, Henry (gruffly). Hullo, no signs of Do you know the time ? Me (snappily). You needn't be so impatient. I expect you've gorged your- self on a good lunch in town. Anyhow it won't take long to get dinner, as we are having tinned soup and eggs. Henry. Oh, damn eggs. I’m sick of the sight of ’em. You can see for yourself how unre- The thin yeneer of civilisation (thinner than ever when Henry is hungry) was fast wearing The subsequent meal. was eaten in silence. The hay-fever from which I am prone to suffer at all seasons of the year was particularly persistent that evening. A rising irritability engen- dered by leathery eggs and fostered by Henry's face was taking possession of me. Quite suddenly I discovered that the way he held his knife annoyed me. Further I was maddened by his manner of taking soup. But I restrained myself. | merely remarked, ‘* You have finished your soup, [ hear, love.” Henry, though feeling the strain, had not quite lost his fortitude. My hay- fever was obviously annoying him, but he only commented, “ Don’t you think you ought to see a doctor about that distressing nasal complaint, my dear?” [ knew, however, that he was longing to bark out, “Can't you stop that ever- lasting sniffing? It’s driving me mad, woman.” How long would it be before we reached that stage of candour? I was brooding’ on this when the front-door bell rang. ‘You go,” I said to Henry. 3 No, you go,” he replied. “It looks bad for the man of the house to answer the door.” [ do not know why it should look bad for a man to answer his own door, un- less he is a bad man. But there are some things in our English social system | which no one can understand. I rose and went to open the front-door. Then my heart leapt in sudden joy. The light from the hall lamp fell on the lank form of Elizabeth. | “You've come back!”’ I exclaimed. | “I suppose you didn’t expect to see me inside of a week,”’ she remarked. ‘I didn’t; but oh, Elizabeth, I’m so glad to see you,” I said as I drew her in. Tears that strong men weep rose to my eyes, while Henry, at this moment | emerging from the study, uttered an ejac- | ulation of joy (it sounded like “Thank | God!”’) at the sight of Elizabeth. ‘An’ 'ow ‘ave you got on while I’ve bin away?” she inquired, eyeing us both closely. “Did everythink go orf. orl right?” OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 65 — eee i Ire = OUR VILLAGE SOLOMON. First Rustic. “D’ YE ‘BAR NIGHT?” OLD Second Rustic (of matured wisdom). “I BEAN’T SURPRISED TO MYSELF, A-COMING THROUGH THATCH I OUT FIRE.’” THE SEZ Dappy Smiru’s COTTAGE WAS BURNT DOWN LAST WueEnN I SeES THE SMOKE ‘THERE'S SELDOM SMOKE WITH- 'a note of relief in her voice. I hesitated. a How was I to confess my failures and muddling in her absence and hope to have authority over her in future? Would she not become still more difficult to manage if she knew how indispensable she was? I con- tinued to hesitate. Then Henry spoke. | “We've managed admirably,” he said. “Your has been wonderful. Her cooking has absolutely surprised me.” I blessed Henry (the devil!) in that mistress moment. “Thank you, dear,” I mur- mured, Then Elizabeth spoke and there was “Well, I'm reerly glad to ‘ear that, as I can go off to-morrer after all. I ‘aven’t been for my 'oliday yet, like.” “What do you mean?” I gasped. “Well, you see, 'm, my young man didn't turn up at the station, so I went and stayed with my sister-in-law at Is- lington. She wants me to go with ‘er to Southend early to-morrer, but I thort as ‘ow I'd better come back ’ere first and see if you reerly could manage with- out me, for I ‘ad my doubts. "Owever, as everythink ’s goin’ on orl right I can go with an easy mind.” [remained speechless. So did Henry. Elizabeth went out again into the dark- There was a long pause, broken only by my hay fever. Then Henry spoke. ‘Can't you stop that everlast- ing sniffing?” he barked out. “It’s driving me mad, woman.” ness. “ RequineD an English or French resident governess for children from 30 to 45 years old, having notions of music.” Standard (Buenos Ayres). We are glad they have picked up some- thing during their prolonged juvenes- cence,

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AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL. Being specimens of the work of Mr. Punch’s newly-established Literary Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate Press contributions on any subject and over any signature. 1V.—Wuar’s Wrone with THe Drama? By Marcus P. Brimston, the gifted producer of “ Shoo, Charl ite ! “s I nave been invited to say a few words to readers of The Sabbath Scoop on the alleged decay of the British drama. There is indeed some apparent truth in this allegation. On all sides I hear managers sending up the same old wail | of dwindling box-office receipts and houses packed with | ghastly rows of deadheads. No “paper™ shortage there, | at any rate. Sometimes these unfortunate people come to me for counsel, and invariably I give them the same admonition, “Study your public.” There is no doubt that, with a few brilliant exceptions | (among which my own present preduction is happily en- rolled), the playhouses have recently struck a rather bad | patch. Useless to lay the blame either on the CanceLLor | oF THE EXCHEQUER or on the weather. going public what it wants and no consideration of National Waste or of Daylight Saving will keep it from the theatre. And that brings me to my point. | playgoing public of to-day, and what does it want? From the commercial point of view (and in the long run as in the short all art must be judged by its monetary | value) the drama depends for its support on what used to be known as the better-dressed parts of the house. Now- | a-days the majority of the paying patrons of these seats ' come from the ranks of the new custodians of the nation’s wealth, These people, who haye the business instinct very strongly developed, insistently and yery rightly demand value for their money; and the problem is how to give them value as they understand the meaning of the word. | My friend Mr. Arrnur Coins gives it to them in sand; but that is a shifting foundation ou which to build up a prosperous run. Those who, like myself, have studied closely the tastes | | and intelligence of this new force that is directing the des | yesterday, “ We want something a bit meatier than the dry | tiny of the modern theatre must have come to the conclu- sion that the essential factor in dramatic success is“ punch,” or, as our cross-Atlantic cousins would term it, ‘ pep.” The day of anwmic characterisation and subtle dissection of motives is past. really counts) has no desire to be called upon to think; it can afford to pay others to do its thinking for it. much to be said for this point of view. on us all far too many and too severe mental jerks; in the| theatre we may well forget that we possess such a thing as a mind. As a charming and gifted little actress said to me only old bones of Issen’s ghosts.” that something; | for flesh. In producing Shoo, Charlotie ! 1 have taken several hints from that formidable young rival of the articulate stage | known as the Silent Drama. There effects are flung at the { spectator’s head like balls at a cocoanut: if they fail to | register a hit it is the fault of the shier, not of the nut. My aim throughout has been to throw hard and true, so that | even the thickest nut is left in no d Well, I am out to provide oubt as to the actuality of the impact. Shoo, Charlotte ! makes no high-sounding | attempt at improving the public taste. _ eritie of The Sabbath Scoop pithily rema As the dramatic rked, it is just “one OR THE LONDON CHAR Give the play- | Whence comes the! The audience (or the only part that | There is | The War and its | effects (especially the Excess Profits Duty) have imposed | my present success certainly does not lack |

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| long feast of laughter and linge rie,” and its nightly triumph iis the only vindication it requires. The fundamental mistake of the British drama of to-day lies, in my humble opinion, in its perpetual striving after the unexpected. The public, such as I have described it, fights shy of novel situations; it isn’t sure how they ought to be taken. But give it a play where it knows exaetly what is going to happen next and you are rewarded with the delighted applause that comes of prophecy fulfilled, The thrill or chuckle of anticipation is succeeded by the shudder or guffaw of realisation. Father nudges Mother and says, * Look, Emma, he’s going to fall into the flour. bin.” “He does fall into the flour-bin, and Father slaps his own or Mother’s knee with a roar of triumph. After all, the old dramatic formule were not drawn up without a | profound knowledge of human nature.

| Let managers take a lesson from these few observations j and they will no longer go about seeking an answer to the riddle, “‘ Why did the cocoanut shy?” — ——< | THE BEST LAID SCHEMES. \ contemporary declares that the side-car stands unrivalled asa jmatchmaker. It would seem, however, that opinion on the sirbject is ju t unanimous We motored together, the maiden and J, | And I was delighted to take her, For, frankly, 1 wanted my side-car to try Its skill as a little matchmaker ; Though up to that time I had striven my best | Id more than a passing suspicion | The spark I was anxious to light in her breast Still suffered from faulty ignition. | We started betimes in the promptest of styles | lor scenes that were rustic and quiet | opened the throttle; we ate up the miles (A truly exhilarant diet) ; Till sharply, as over a common we went, Gorse-clad (or it iby have been heather), ‘The engine stopped short with a tactful intent l'o leave the young couple together. "T'was instinct (I take it) directing my course That named as my first occupation \ fruitless endeavour to track to its source The cause of this sudden cessation ; \nd so I had tinkered with tools for a space Kre [ thought of iny favourite poet, And said to myself, “Lo! the time and the place And the loved one in unison ; go it.”

have remembered man seldom appears | Alluring in look or in manner I might With a smut on his nose, oleaginous ears And frenziedly clutching a spanner ; Though down by the eycle I fell to my knees And ported my heart for inspection, | only received for my passionate pleas A curt and conclusive rejection.

“Gentlewoman, good famil sinall means, musical, de 4 . os : parish work, wishes to correspond with clergyman with view t ‘an helpmeet for him.’ ”—Chureh Times. ry ° ’ ° The Matrimonial News must look to its laurels. “The Picturedrome, —~, and a London Syndicate, in which are several gentlemen.” } Provinial Paper. | We do not profess to know much about the film-trade, | but is this so very unusual ?

Cinema, have been acquired by }

| j | | voted to } heing | | } | }

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| ae — —_ | _Juny 28,1920] ss PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 67 +h = acme sa Si ena ir Sanaa Scereiinee Ay } | 5a Lis | } j j | i to cing d by . MANNERS AND MODES. ade, oe eae P ey POST-WAR SIMPLICITY IN BATHING-GEAR.

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a se a i nn a nes ne a WAYS AND MEANS. I HAVE read somewhere that when | and/or if railway fares are increased it will cost a man travelling with his wife | and two children (the children being half-fares) as much as twenty pounds to take third-class return tickets to St. Ives. Presumably this refers to the Cornish St. Ives, and to show how serious the| problem will be for quite large families [ need only refer my readers to the | well-known poetical riddle which is generally supposed to refer to the Cornish St. Ives too. It will be seen | at once that in the case of a [—— septuagamist going to or} returning from St. Ives with his family the cost will be vastly greater, even if no | special luggage rates are leviable for the carriage of excess cats. Fortunately there is a / much nearer St. Ives in Huntingdonshire, and if I was going to St. Ives at all, with or without encum- brances, I should certainly choose that one. Asa mat- ter of fact the Huntingdon- shire St. Ives is a very pleas- ant place indeed, with a lot | of red-and- yellow cattle | standing about, if one may take the authority of the THE cricket-cap on the back of your head and covered your beard or what not with one hand; but a constant succes- sion of people all demanding the same thing would most certainly cause the booking-clerk to give way. It might occur to him besides that, since so many people insisted on giving their wrong ages for the pleasure of fighting in war- time, they had a perfect right to do the same for the pleasure of travelling in peace-time ; and in the case of the women his reputation for gallantry would be imperilled if he had the impudence to doubt their word. But would everybody be prepared to County Card Game in these matters. It is almost as pleasant as Luton, where there is a fellow in a blue smock with side-whiskers and a reaping-hook, and Leicester, which consists solely of a windmill and a house where Ricwarp III. slept on the night before the Battle of “Bosworth Field. Not a word about Ramsay Urchin (outside Club). “I BET IT WAS THE FAULT OF RIGHT.” ONDON CHARIV "IM ON VARL off just before the terminus, which hurts, the same objection arises as in the under- the-seat method; and in any case you are practically certain to be spotted not only by the officials of the railway com- pany concerned but with axle-grease. It is of course possible to travel with- out concealment and without a ticket either, merely discovering with a start of surprise when you are asked for it that you have lost the beastly thing, But this involves acting. It involves hunting with a great appearance of en- ergy and haste in all your pockets, your reticule, your hatband, the turn-ups of your trousers, The Rescue (for you cer- tainly used something as a book - marker) and _ finally turning out in front of all the other passengers the whole of your note - case, which proves that you can- not have been going to stay at the “‘ Magnificent” after all, and the envelopes of all the old letters which you were taking down to the sea in the hopes of answering them there; and even after that you have to give the name and address of some- body you don’t like (say Sir Eric Geppes) to satisfy the inspector. On the whole I think the best way is the one which I mean to adopt myself at the earliest opportunity. Let us suppose that you are going to Brighton. At Viec- toria Station you will pur- chase (1) a return ticket to Streatham Common, (2) a platform ticket. The plat- form ticket entitles you to walk on to the platform from which the Brighton train starts, and, when it is THE MACDONALD. But we are not taking about Ram- say MacponaLp and the County Card Game; we are talkirg about Sir Eri Geppes and his railway far»s, and talk ing pretty sharply too. What is to be done about this monstrous imposition ? And how are we going to show the Government that you cannot play about with ozone as you can with margarine and coal? If only all passengers were prepared to act in concert it would be easy enough to bring Sir Eric to his knees. The best and simplest plan would be for everybody to ask at the booking-office for a half-fare, stating boldly that his or her age was exactly eleven years and eleven months. It might not sound very convincing, of course, even if you had a red-and-black take up this strong and reasonable line ? I doubt it, and we must turn to the con- sideration of other economical devices. One plan which I do not honestly recommend is travelling under the seats of the railway compartment, like Paul Bultitude in Vice Versa. |] say this partly because the accommodation under the seats is not all that it ought to be, and even where there is no heating ap- paratus a tight fit for large families, and partly because you have to face the possibility that your tickets may be demanded on the platform at the other end. Nor doI favour the method in- variably adopted by people in cinema plays, which is to sit on the buffers or the roofs, or conceal yourself among the brakes or whatever they are under- neath the carriages. Unless you drop just moving out and all the tickets have been looked at, you will leap on board. is to accost the man who takes the tickets in a voice hoarse with fury. “Look here,” you will say, “I had an important business engagement at Streatham Common, worth thousands and thousands of pounds to me, and one of your fool porters told me a wrong platform at Victoria. What are you going to do about it?" Now you might think that the porter would reply, “Come off it, Mister; you don’t kid me like that,” or make some other disap- pointing and impolite remark ; but not a bit of it. Bluster is the thing that pays. First of all he will apologise, and then he will fetch the station-mas- ter, and he will apologise too, and after ~s [JuLy 28, 1920, This brings you to | , | Brighton, and all you have to do there |

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Rac | Ma ing Te jistrat ut (arrested Cit “SILENCE!” a bit they will offer you a seekiie tre in fi hack to Streatham Common, probably the one the Kine uses when 4. goes to the seaside. But you will of course | efuse to be pacified and wave it away, shy ing, ‘U seless, absolutely useless. Now Sat J {Lam in this awful hole I shall spend the night here. But [ shall cer- | tainly sue your Company for the amount | of the business that I have lost.” | That is what I mean to do, and with | | slight variations the can plied to almost any non-stop run. u ruse ra ap- i Now hat I have given the tip [ shall hope | to find quite a little crowd of disap- pointed business men round the station | exits at holiday time w and or if | railway fares are increased } nen OUR NATURAL HISTORY COLUMN. Letters to the Editor. THe Hype Park MonumMeEnr. Dear Str,—The experience of the Parisian seavenger who recently dis- covered a crocodile in a dustbin en- courages me to write to you on a similar subject. [ note with profound dismay the proposal to turn Hyde Park into a Zoological Garden. At least this is not an unfair deduction from the scheme to PUN CH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | | i i j ; day before). “CAN YER TELL ME WOT WON THE THREE-THIRTY ?” | Tout, V’y, THERE WASN'T NO SUCH ’ORSE RUNNING.” mcaeannemeesnenne cnet —— | inste al at «huge python in the ne inh bacon research to trace the reference. I have | ood of Hyde Park Corner. [ do not|the honour to remain, = fess to know much about snakes, but believe the python is a most danger- ous reptile, and I see it stated that ‘the pythons which have just arrived at Regent's Park are “ large and vigorous, already active and looking for Surely this suggestion, | threatening the safety of the peaceful frequenters of the Park, calls for a ni =| tional protest. Can it be that the} PREMIER is at the back of this, as of | every invasion of our rights ? Yours faithfully, MATERFAMILIAsS. | ; | 1 food.” monstrous P.S.—My son Says it is a pylon, not a python, but that only makes it worse, STRANGE EXPERLENCE oF A Hermit. It began to protest ; } On the ground that the speed was tlegal.” Dear Sir,—My grandfather, who} died ax ee errs , used to tell a story of | fam Sir, Yours faithfully, | a hermit who lived in Savernake Forest, | CGrorce Wasnixaton Cook. — | an extraordinarily absent-minded man | with a beard of such colossal dimen- : s } -eral of the feathered deni Commander K worthy said it had | sions that seve ral of the feathe rec deni- I been advocated in Lhe Times. zens of the forest took up their abode he Premicr ; I will be prepared to believe | in its recesses. ‘This curious phe no- ny thing of The Times, but really 1 do not }* menon was, [ believe, commemorated tink i it hus ever suggested tat.”-—Daily Mail. | ‘ : } in verse by an early-Victorian poet, but | Mr. Lioyp Gores is always ready to | . ’ [ have not been able after considerable | give The | PRESENCE Yours faithfully, Istporr Terron | (Author of The Growth of the Mous- | tache Movement, The Topiary Art as applied to Whiskers, and the article | on “Pogonotrophy” in The Hair- dressers’ Eneycloped.a). Mino in A Porpeac.e. The strictly incident, commemorate an illustrating the extent to which piscine intelligence can be de- veloped in favourable circumstances OF Dar though SIR, verses, the following not relevant to crocodile occurrence ‘There was an unlucky porbeagle Who was picked up at sea by On reaching the nest an eagle Times tink-for-tat.

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rere ne net TI i Soper more ort eae it Guest (to Fellor LOOKS RATHER FEARSOME.” | | REMEMBER, | REMEMBER. (Carefully imitated from the best mode except that it has somehow qot int metre and rhyme.) FouUR-AND-NINETY English winters Having flecked my hair with snows [ am ready for the printers, And my publishers suppose That these random recollections Of a mid-Victorian male, Owing to my high connections, Ought to have a fairish sale | } i i Comrades of my giddy zenith, Gazing back in retrospect, I should say Lord Brixton (Kenneth) Had the brightest intellect ; Though of course no age enfeebles James Kireudbright’s mental vim (Now the seventh Duke of Peebles I have lots of tales of Jim. | We were gilded youths toget her In our Foreign Office days; -Guest at garden-party wh Used to fish and tramp the heather | At his uncle's castle, “ Braes ;"” . 3 — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Fellow-Guest. “My DEAR, HE'S ONE OF THE FEW DECENT PEOPLE 4®RE—BELONGS TO AN OLD ENGLISH LABOURING FAMILY.” recall our wild elation One day when we stole the hat, \t the Honduras Legation, Of a Danish diplomat. | Jan es had scarcely any vices, His career was made almost When the ¢ Tuatemalan crisis Caused him to resign his post ; | He possessed a Gordon setter On whose treatment by a vet l once wrote The Times a letter Which has not been published yet. | Politics were dry and dusty, Still they had their moods of fun, As, for instance, when the crusty Yet delightful Viscount Bunn Broke into the Second Reading Of a Church Endowment Bill With a snore of perfect breeding Which convulsed the Earl of Brill. | Through my kinship with the Gortons — [ was much at Widnes Square ; People of the first importance Often came to luncheon there: GLADSTONE, Dizzy, even older Statesmen used to throng the hall; {dJuny 2°, 1920, q t Socialist), “I pon'r THINK sO, THANKS. HB | . cTes v : } } | PALMERSTON once touched my shoulder Which one I do not recall. Then I went to routs and dances | Ah, how fine they were, and how | Different from the dubious prances | That the young indulge in now; | There I first encountered Kitty, | Told the girl I was a dunce, But implored her to have pity, | And she said she would, at once. | | Eh, well, well! I must not linger | On those glorious haleyon days; | Time with his relentless finger Brings me to the second phase ; | Polities were always creeping i Like a ghost across my view— | I contested Market Sleeping | In the Spring of Seventy-Two. | GLapstone—[No, please not. Ep ts EVoE. | “ Briguron.—The - One minute sea, | West Pier, Lawns. Gas fires in beds.” | Advt. in Daily Paper. | | Thanks, but we prefer a hot-water | bottle.

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j | | | } | | THe Raparr. “ MY | ME TO FASCINATE ne PUNCH, OR THE HIM MORAL SUASION. OFFENSIVE EQUIPMENT BEING PRACTICALLY BYE.” WITH THE POWER OF MY LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jury 28, 1920. % Y , yy 1%. ¢\ vf Yb NIL, IT REMAINS FOR

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Juny 28, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI VARL. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. The re ply of the Soviet Government to the Spa Conference dk Lek ahh RY » Miaka LAU WN ST # mM THE INCOHERENTS, Mr. I was deseribed by Ke) “COMMITTEE ROOM (| \ We “= t) hy LOYD GrorGE as “incoherent; the sort of document that might be drawn up by a committee composed of Colonel Wepawoop, Commander Kunworrny, Lord Roserr Cxcr,, understood that these hon, Members intend to hold an indignation meeting to discuss Mr, Borromugy and Mr. Tuomas.” It is means—if any—-of refuting this charge. Monday, July 19th.—Opinions may differ as to the wisdom of the Peers in reopening the Dyer case, but the large | audience which assembled in the gal leries, where Peeresses and Indians vied with one another in the gorgeousness of their attire, testified to the public interest in At first the speakers made no attempt to “ hot up” their cold porridge. In presenting General Dyrr’s case Lord Finuay was the debate. | strong without rage. In rebutting it the Unper-Secretary For Lnpia proved himself a grave and reverend Sinwa, | without a trace of the provocativeness | displayed by his Chief in the Commons | Not until the Lorp CHanceLtor inter- | vened did the temperature begin to rise. His description of the incident in the | Jullianwallah Bagh was only a little less lurid than that of Mr. Montaav. The Peers would, I think, have liked a little more explanation of how an officer who admittedly exhibited, both before and after this painful affair, “ discretion, sobriety and resolution,” should be re- garded as having on this one day com- mitted “a tragic error of judgment upon the most conspicuous stage,” and may have wondered whether, if the stage had been less conspicuous, the critics would have been more lenient. For as long as | can remember the French have been partant pour la Syrie. Now they have got there, with a man- date from the Supreme Couneil, and have come into collision with the Arabs. As we are the friends of both parties the situation is a little awkward. Mr. Ormsby-Gore hoped we were not going to fight our Arab allies, and was sup- ported by Lord WinTERTON, Who saw service with them during the War. A diplomatic speech by Mr. Bonar Law, who pointed out that the French were in Syria on just the same conditions as we were in Mesopotamia, helped to keep the debate within safe limits. Tuesday, July 20th.—The Lords ton- tinued the Dyer debate. Lord MILNER confessed that he had approached the subject “with a bias in favour of the soldier,’ and showed how completely he had overcome it by finally talking about “ Prussian methods'"’—a phrase that Lord Sumner characterised as “ facile but not convincing.” Lord Curzon such methods, but would be guided by the example of “Clemency” Canning The Lords however, by 129 to 86, passed Lord FiInLAy's motion, to the effect that General Dyer had been unjustly treated and that adangerous precedent had been | established. The First CoMMISSIONER OF Works was inundated with questions about the pylon and explained that it had been designed by Sir Frank Barnes entirely on his own initiative. Its submission to the Cabinet had never been contem- plated, and its exhibition in the Tea Room was due to an hon. Member, who said that a number of people would be interested. Apparently they were. Asked if the scheme might be re- garded as quite dead, Sir ALFrep Monn replied that he certainly thought so. In fact, to judge by his previous answer, it was never really alive. There is still anxious curiosity re- garding the increase of railway fares, but when invited to “name the day”’ Mr. Bonar Law remained coy. Sug- gestions for postponements in the in- terests of this or that class of holiday- hoped that the Peers would not endorse maker finally goaded him into asking

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——————---—} sarcastically, “Why not until after Christmas ? ” Whereupon the House loudly cheered. Wednesday, July 21st.—Tactful man, Lord DesnorovuGH. In urging the Gov- ernment to call a Conference to con- sider the establishment of a fixed date for Easter he supported his case with a wealth of curious information, some of it acquired from the Prayer- book tables, as he said, “ during the less in- sensation sermons to which I have listened.”” You or I would have said ‘dull” tout court, and in that case we should not have deserved to receive, as Lord DressnorovuGcn did, the almost en- thusiastic support of the Archbishop of | CANTERBURY, In spite of this Lord Onstow, for the | Government, was far from encouraging. He quite recognised the drawbacks of the movable Easter, and agreed that it was primarily a matter for the Churches. But he feared the Noncon- formists might dissent, and displayed a hitherto unsuspected reverence for the opinion of the Armenians. Besides,what about the Dominions and Labour? And with Europe in such a state of unrest discord? With much regret the Gov- ernment could not see their way, etc. Whereupon Lord DerssnorovGH, who seems to be easily satisfied, expressed his gratitude and withdrew his motion In anexpansive moment Mr. Monract once referred to Mr, Ganbui as his ‘friend.” He did so, it appears, in the hope that the eminent agitator would wbandon his disloyal vapourings. But organise a boycott of the Prixcn o1 Wales’ visit to India, and, as Mr. MontTaaGu observed more in sorrow than in anger, “ Nobody who suggests dis- loyalty or discourtesy to the Crown can be a friend of any Member of this House, let alone a Minister.” the accuracy of some of the Prime Mixtster’s historical allusions in his post-Spa oration he would doubtless reply, “I don’t read history; I make it He was tart with the Turks, gratulatory | to the Greeks, peevish with the Poles and gentle to the Germans. The Ger- ; man CHANCELLOR and Herr von Sruons | were described as “ two perfectly honest upright men, doing their best to cope with a gigantic task.” Their country was making a real effort to meet the | indemnity; it was not entirely respon- _ sible for the delay in trying the war- ; criminals, and even in the matter of | disarmament was not altogether blame- | T worthy. The Bolshevists also were han- died more tenderly than usual. Their reply was “incoherent ” ought we to throw in a new apple of | the friendship is now finally sundered. | Mr. Ganput has been endeavouring to | If anyone were to take exception to rather than | 74 PUN CH, “OR, THE LONDON CH ARIVARL nner (Juny 28, 1920, impertinent ’ ‘it might have been drawn up by a WEDGWoob- KENWORTHY- Crecit- Borromiey-THoMaAS syndicate. Still they must not be allowed to wipe out Poland, foolish and reckless as the Poles had been. A well-informed speech was made by Mr. T. Suaw, evidently destined to be the Foreign Minister of the first Labour Cabinet. Having travelled in Russia he has acquired a distaste for the Soviet system, both political and industrial, and is confident that no amount of Bolshevist propaganda will induce the British proletarian to embrace a creed under which he would be compelled to work. Thursday, July 22nd.—The Peers held an academic discussion on the | AN ARABLAN KNIGHT AT HOME. Lorp WINTERTON, | League of Nations. Lords ParMmoor. Bryce and Hanpane, who declared i themselves its friends, were about as cheerful as Jon's Comforters ; Lord SYDENHAM was frankly sceptical of the success of a body that had, and could have, no effective force behind it: and Lord Curzon was chiefly concerned to dispel the prevalent delusion that the League is a branch of the British Foreign Office. The Commons had an equally un- ippetising bill-of-fare, in which Ireland | figured appropriately as the piece de | résistance. Sir JoHN Rees’ well-meant endeavour to furnish some lighter re- | freshment by an allusion to the Nauru j islanders’ habit of “ broiling their bro- {thers for breakfast’ fell a little flat. | he latest news from Belfast suggests that in the expression of brotherly love | Queen’ s Island has little to learn from Nauru. | A SCENE AT THE CLUB. I never liked Buttinbridge. 1 con. sidered him a vulgar and push ful fellow, He had thrust himself into menber. | ship of my club and he had forced his | acquaintance upon me. | was sitting in the club sinoking. room the other “day when Buttinbridge came in. His behaviour was character- istic of the man. He walked towards me and said in a loud voice, “ Cheeriob, old Sport!” I drew the little automatic pistol with which 1 had provided myself in case of just such an emergency, took a quick aim and fired. Buttinbr idg ge gave a convulsive leap, fell face downwards on the hearthrug and lay quite still. It was a beautiful shot-—right in the} heart. ‘The room was fairly full at the mo- | ment, and at the sound of the shot! several members looked up from their | newspapers. One young fellow—I faney | he was a country “member rec ntly de- | | mobilised—who had evidently watched | | the i inci ident, exclaimed, “ Pretty shot, Sir!’ But two or three of the older }men frowned irritably and said, “ Sh- | sh-sh!”’ Seeing that it was incumbent upon | me to apologise, I said, in a tone just | hearthrug | fancied I heard the report lof a firearm. i privilege and ask if I am right in pre- e | loud enough to be audible to all pre- sent, “1 beg your pardon, gentlemen. Then I dropped the spent cartridge | into an ash-tray, returned the pistol to my pocket and was just stretching out | my hand to touch the bell when old Withergreen, the doyen of the club, interposed, ‘Pardon me,” he said, “I am a little deaf, but almost simultaneously with the fall of this member upon the | May I claim an old iman’s suming a connection between the two } occurrences, and, if so, whether there | has been any recent relaxation of our time-honoured rule against assassina- tion on the club premises ? ate ear-trunipet, I said, ‘IT fired the shot, Sir, which killed the member now lying cee the hearthrug. I did so because he addressed me in a form of salutation which I regard as peculiarly objectionable. He called me ‘Old Sport,’ an expression used by bookmakers and such.”’ “Um! Old Port?” Withergreen. “Onp Sport,” I shouted more loudly. Then I stepped to the wr oy. irwee took a dictionary from among the books of reference, found the place - Ww deer and returned to the ear-trumpet. “T find here,” I said, for the benetit of the room at large, for all were now mumbled old $$$ —______ ny : : Tes sai AERA i ict ne em ee er ee

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ae} iain Aileen Accel kate ety epa aR Me ste a opto uy 4h ARS OTE PARTON Jury 28, 1920.} | PUNC H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 5 listening, though with some impatience, “that in calling me a ‘sport’ the de- ceased member called me a plaything, la diversion. If he had called me a | accurate but certainly less offensive.” At this point there stood up a mem- ber whom I recognised as one of the committee. ‘1 am sure, Sir,” he said, “that all present are agreed that you fired in defence of the purity of English speech, and that the incident was the outcome of an unfortunate attempt to relieve the financial embarrassment of the club by relaxing our former rigorous | exclusiveness. Speaking as one of the committee, | have no doubt that the affair will be dismissed as justifiable | honucide.” Having bowed my acknowledgments I rang the bell. When the waiter , appeared I bade him “Bring me a | black coffee and then clear away the | remains of Mr. Buttinbridge.”’ | 3 of Buttinbridge yelling, “‘ Wake up, old Sport!” THE PECULIAR CASE OF TOLLER. Toller first floated into public notice on the fame of Rodman, who by an i irony of fate is now all but forgotten. | Rodman, it may be remembered, was a | promising young poet during the first decade of this century. Out of a scan- dalous youth whose verses made their appearance in slim periodicals that ex computed, he was evolving into a repu table poet who was given a prominent the heavy magazines when he met with | his regrettably early end. Apart from | his poems he left no literary remains, | except a few letters too hideously un- grammatical for publication. The sole materials for a biography lay in the memory of Toller, who b luck happened to intimately. by a stroke of have known him By an equal piece of good fortune Toller had taken a course of mind train- ing and his memory was exceptionally retentive. His Life of Rodman achieved instant success, a far sreater than Rod- man's Collected Works. The undomes- ticities of a poet's life naturally excite greater interest in the cultured than his utterances on Love, Destiny and other topics on which poets are apt to dis- course. Toller, until then a struggling sportsman, which is here defined as} ‘one who hunts, fishes or fowls,’ he} would have been not necessarily more | Then [ was awakened by the voice | pired before their periodicity could be | ' position facing advertising matter in | * Now, MY Grocer. MAN, THE BUTTER OF IT WEIGHED ONLY FIFTEEN OUNCES.” Man, SURE, BUT WE TOOK ONE OF YOUR YOU POUND PACKETS OF BROUGHT US LAST WEEK-—EVERY PACKET Sim, WE'D PEA LOST OUR ONE-POUND WEIGHT: TO WEIGH It WITH.” } | | | Farmer's “WLLL, TO BR sw lisfy. His memory, continually stimu- lated by questions, gained further in The more he was asked the jmore he remembered, and so on in a | virtuous cirele. His Rodmaniana pro- | vided him with a comfortable income. | He removed from Earl's Court to lux- | urious chambers off Jermyn Street, from which he poured out article after article on the deceased poet. | Strength. Then suddenly, without warning, pro- | bably from overstrain, his memory gave way. Everything in the past, Rodman | | !ineluded, vanished from his mind. A | | his little pinnacle of fame and affluence. Judge, then, of my surprise when I passed him about a fortnight ago fault- lessly dressed and wearing an air of great prosperity. He showed of course not the smallest recollection of me. * How does Toller manage to live?” [I asked Cardew, who knows him better than I do. ee He still writes. ’ “What ‘Yes, he finds it an advantage. was the reply. Yu uu without a memory ?” | i see, since the fusion of the old parties | |} and the formation of new ones, the pos- greater calamity one could not conceive. | session of a memory is often a source | journalist, became all at once a minor} It was as though a violinist had lost ajof considerable embarrassment to a reenter literary celebrity, much in demand at | hand, a popular preacher his voice. His | leader writer. conversaziones and places where they | livelihood was gone. Much as his babble | political articles for a prominent morn- chatter, Sympathy for Rodman aroused | about Rodman had bored me I could not |ing paper. The proprietors consider curiosity which only Toller could sat- | but feel some sorrow for him, fallen from! bim a wonderful find.” Toller now does the

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76 BUCKLER’S. To acquire an estate is, even in these days of inflated prices and competitive house-hunters, an easy matter com- pared with finding a name for it when it is yours. It is then that the real trouble sets in. | Take the case of my friend Buckler. A little while ago he purchased a pro- perty, a few acres on the very top of a hill not too far from London and only ; half-a-mile from his present habitation, and there he is now building a home. | At least the plans are done and the ground has been pegged out. “ Here,” he will say, quite unmindful of the clouds emptying themselves all over us with all an enthusiast’s disregard for others, | and an enthusiast, moreover, who has his abode by, full of raiment—‘} setting his foot firmly in the mud,“ is where the dining- . will be. Here,”’ moving away a few ‘yards through the slush, “is the billiard-room.”’ Then, pointi the zenith with his stick, “ Above it” here you look up into the pitiless sky as well as the deluge will permit—* are two spare rooms, one of which will be And close ere,” room ng tow ards yours when you come to see us.” so forth. He then the way round the place, through brake fern wetter than waves, to indicate the position of the tennis-courts, and in of time you are allowed to return to the dry and spend the rest of the day in bor- rowed clothes. Everyone knows these Kubla Khans decreeing pleasure domes and enla ping upon them in advance of the builders, and never are they so eloquent and un- mindful of rain and discomforts as when their listeners are poor and condemned | to a squalid London existence for ever. 3ut that is beside the mark. It is the naming of these new country seats | that leads to such difficulties. That night at dinner the question arose again, « As it is on the top of the h leads course ill,” said a gentle wistful lady, “why not eall it | ‘Hill Top’? | name before. simple.” “So simple,” said Buckler, “ that my nearest neighbour has already appro- priated it.” “T suppose that would be an objec- | tion,”’ said the lady, and we all agreed. “Why not,” said another guest, “ call it ‘The Summit’? or, more concisely, just ‘Summit’?” : “Or why not go further,” said a frivolous voice, “and suggest hospit- ality too—and Buckler'’s hospitality is = by calling it ‘Summit-to- fat’?" I’m sure I've seen that It is expressive and ee of changes | OR THE LONDON Our silence was properly contemptu- ous of this sally. “Tf you didn’t like that you might call it‘ Summit-to-Drink,’” the frivolous voice impenitently continued. ‘“ Then too.” The voice’s glass having been re plenished (which, I fancy, was its inner purpose) we became serious again. “ As it is on the top of the hill,” said ithe first lady, “there will probably be a view. Why not call it, for example, ‘Bellevue’? ‘ Bellevue’ is a charming word.” «“ A little French, isn’t it?” inquired, “Oh, yes, it’s French,” she admitted. gut it’s all right, isn’t it? It’ quite nice French.” We assured her that, for a French yhrase, it was singularly free from i yropriet vy. someone s S | n- } ‘But of course,” she said, “ there's an Italian equivalent, ‘Bella Vista.’ |‘ Bella Vista’ is delightful.” “ | passed a‘ Bella Vista’ in Surbiton yesterday,” said the frivolous voice,“ and an errand-boy had done his worst with it with a very black lead pencil.” “ What could he do?” the gentle lady distended. ‘It is not for me to explain,” said the frivolous voice ; of the first word dissatisfied him and he substituted another. is choosing a name for a front gate.” ‘Tam all at sea,” said the lady plain- tively. Then she brightened. “ Is there no prominent landmark visible from the new she asked. “ It is so high there must be.” house 7 Our hostess said that by cutting down ltwo trees it would be possible to see Windsor Castle. | “Oh, then, do cut them down,” said jthe lady, “and eall it ‘Castle View.’ | Th it would be perfect.” During the panic that followed I made a sug ion. ‘ The best name for it,” iI , “is ‘Buckler’s.’ That is what the country people will call it, and so you may as well forestall them and be |resigned to it. Besides, it’s the right | kind of It's the way most of | the farms all over England once were | named after their owners, and where ithe owner was a man of character and force the name persisted. Call it ‘Buckler’s’ and you will help everyone, from the postman to the strange guest | who might otherwise tour the neigh- | bourhood for miles searching for you long after lunch was finished.” 5 * But isn’t it too practical?” the first lady asked. “There's no poetry in it.” Tact} tI i san name. CHARIVARL you would get all the Americans there | asked wonderingly, with big violet eyes | “ but the final vowel | The capabilities | of errand-boys with pencil or chalk | should never be lost sight of when one 28, 1920, “ [JULY “No,” I said, “there isn't. The poetry isinits owner. Any man who can stand in an open field under a July rainstorm and show another man where his bed- room is to be in a year's time is poet enough.” EK. V. L. TO ISIS. Ists, beside thine ambient rill | How oft I’ve snuffed the Berkshire breezes, Or, prone on some adjoining hill, Thrown off with my accustomed skill The weekly fytte of polished wheezes; How oft in summer's languorous days, With some fair creature at the pole, I Have thrid the Cherwell’s murmurous ways | And dared with lobster mayonnaise | The onslaughts of Bacillus Coli? Once—it was done at duty’s call My labouring oarexplored thy reaches; Chey said I was no good at all And coaches noting me would bawl Things about “angleworms and breeches ;”’ But oh! the shouts of heartfelt glee That rang on thine astonished marges As we bore (rolling woundily) | Full in the wake of Brasenose III. And bumped them soundly b irges. r | | | | the at That night on Oxenford there burst A sound of strong men at their revels, And stroke, in vinous lore unversed, Retired, if you must know the worst, On feet that swam at different levels, Nor knew till morning brought its cares That, while the cup was freely flowing, He'd sealed a flight of moving stairs And commandeered his tutor’s chairs To keep the college bonfire going. Immortal youth it was that bound Us twain together, beauteous river; And, though these limbs just crawl around That onee would scarcely touch ground, r And aleohol upsets my liver, Still, ina punt or lithe canoe I can revive my vernal heyday, Pretend the sky’s ethereal blue, The golden kingeups’ cheery hue, Spell my, as well as Nature’s, May- day. the The evening glows, the swallow skims Between the water and the willows; The blackbirds pipe their eveninghymns, A punt awaits at Mr. Tims’ With generous tea and lots of pillows, And of all girls the first, the best To play at youth with this old fossil; Then Isis, as we glide to rest Upon thy shadow-dappled breast, We'll pledge thee in a generous was- sail. ALGOL. : ere tee ODL II ERG ia

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| tions. A recent analysis of the waters | banes to Boscagel, Cadgerack and Flap- | District there are daily char-d-banc | } | ' Juny 28, 1920.) PUNCH, OR TIE LONDON CHARIVARL | 7 | Set OF at age | = See ‘a - IAA ae” Visivess, “Dip EVERYTHING COME FROM THE Stores Tuatr 1 onperep?” | Maid, “ Evernyruiuyx, Mum, ‘CEP? THE ’ADDICK, WHICH IS COMING ON BY ITSELF 1 nh. | | the lovely river Fallal to Gongor, famous | wise the situation is well in hand. On ENGLAND UNBENDS. | for the prehistoric remains of the shrine | Monday last Mr. Silas Pargeter, an old REPORTS FROM SPA AND SHORE. | of Saint Opodeldoe, and to beauty spots | resident, caught a fine conger-eel, weigh- ScaARGATE.—This famous Yorkshire}in the harbour like Glumgallion, ‘Tre- | Spa is now in a condition of hectic ac- | henna and Pangoftlin Creek. There are | tivity and offers a plethora of attrac- | also excursions in armed motor-char-a- ing fifty-six pounds, which he has pre- sented to the Museum. As Boreeambe is a good jumping-off ground for the Lake shows that the proportion of sapid ova-|perack. To-day visitors ean view the} excursions to the land of WorpsworrH loid particles and sulphuretted trinitro-| gardens at Poljerrick, where many toluene is larger than ever. Lieutenant | super-tropical plants, including man- Platt-Stithers’ stincopated anthropoid | eating cacti, ave growing in the most | shooter. | orchestra plays four times daily—in the | unbridled luxuriance. There is ‘a fine | early morning and at noon for the re-|sporting nine-hole golf-course on the} fand Ruskin, each passenger heing sup- plied with a megaphone and a pea- DOWN CHANNEL, lief of the water-drinkers, and in the|shingle strand at Grogwalloe, where| Tur chime of country steeples, | ns , | alternoon and evening in the rotating|the test of niblick play is more severe | The scent of gorse and musk, | Jazz Hall. Special attractions this|than on any links save those of the| The drone of sleepy breakers week include cinema lectures daily on |Culbin Sands near Nain. Among other | Come mingled with the dusk: | the domestic life of the Solomon Is-| attractive features are the brilliant dis-! = yuddy moon is rising | landers by Mr. Nicholas Ould; a recital] plays of aurora borealis over the Bay, | like a rive pomecranate husk. | on the Bolophone on Thursday by Mr. | which have been arranged at consider- ane Tertius Quodling, and, at the Grand | able cost by the Corporation in conjunce- The coast-wise lights are wheeling — | | Opera House, Pope Joan and The Flip-| tion with the Meteorological Society. White sword-blades in the sky, | Flappers. On Saturday the Stridear BorecausBe.——The demand for batk- The misty hills grow dimmer, | Golf Club will hold a series of compe- | ing-machines and tents continues to in- | The last lights blink and die | titions in rational fancy dress for the | crease, though the shopkeepers are com- Oh, land of home and beauty, | benefit of the Phonet ic Spelling Asso- | plaining of a decreasing spending power Good-bye, my dear, good-bye! | Cation. on the part of the visitors and a disin- PATLANDER. | | FaLLALMouTH.— Visitors to this ro-|elination to pay more than a shilling a = mantic resort are offered a wide field| head for shrimps. The practice of dis-| How to be Lonely though Married. E entertzinment and moral uplift. The} pensing with head-gear is also much] « Lonely Officer (married, with three child- steamer excursions embrace trips up resented by local outfitters, but other- | ren) wants Sealyham Terrier Dog.” —T'tmés. a

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Hi i} i} } i 78 PUNCH, | / | be, Conn ae | er: } Golfer. “ Let's SEE Caddie (fed up). “ DINNA FASH YERSEL MY DROMEDARY. | | I sex by The Times that dromedaries are on sale at sixty-five pounds apiece. In these days, when commodities of t afford to overlook bargains of whatever nature they may be. And it seems to me that a dromedary at sixty-five pounds is really rather cheap. For after all sixty-five pounds to-day | | is little more than thirty pounds in pre- | | war times. Co mnsidering their ti itling cost I am surpris d that more people do not possess dromedaries. Most of my neighbours during the past two years have built garages, but not one, so far as 1 am aware, has built a drome- dary-drome. I think I shall buy one of these attrac- tive pets if my pass-book encourages me. Cheaper than a motor-car and | far more intelligent and re esponsive to human affection, a dromedar y will add afford pleasant occupation for my leisure. It brings no attendant annoy- ance from the Inland Revenue authori- ties; there are no tiresome registration fees or regulations as to the dimensions of a number-plate. As long as I can remember I have lived in a state of uncertainty as to whether a 0 Soemetary has two homes | all kinds are so expensive, one cannot | i distinction to my establishment and | OR THE LONDON WHAT'S BOGEY FOR THIS HOLE?” ABOOT BOGEY. YE'VE |and a camel one, or a car neesil two humps | or one of its ts humps, t to attend in com- | j With one of land a dromedary one. these exotic qua li upeds tethered only a few yards away from the kitchen door | that condition of doubt need not exist in the future for more than a few mo- ments. In a good light it should be easy to count the humps or Then again a dromedary will i come for a walk on a fine — with- | out in volving ¢ yne inadog-fight. It will provide quiet yet healthful exercise for ithe two children. If it turns out that the type possesses two humps it will | be able to convey Edgar and Marigold at one and the same time, lelay and inconvenience. lt will be a protection to the house, | When we have gone to bed the faithful }creature will lie on guard in the hall, and no amount of poisoned liver thrust | through the letter-box will assuage its | ferocity or weaken its determination to |protect the hearth and home of its master against marauders, For the dromedary is not only a strict tee- totaler and non-smoker, but a lifelong vegetarian. Famous for its browsing propensities, a dromedary about the garden will save untold labour and expense, keeping the lawn trimmed and the hedges clipped. And indoors its height will serve me admirably in per lec tly « | hump. thus saving enabling me, while seated on its hump PLAYED FUFTEEN AN’ YE’ | | | | f | | a fJunty 28, 1920 RE NO DEILD yET—(aside) WORSE LUCK.” | | } } ] fort to a little whitewashing job which | will not brook further postponement, | I will look at my pass-book to-morrow. FLOWERS’ NAMES. Cout’s Foor. WHEN the four Horses of the Sun Were little leggy rm ngs, When they could onl y jump and run And hadn't grown their wings The Sun-God sent them out to pl Ly In a field one July day. Oh, the four Horses of the Sun The ay gi all oped and the »V rolled, They le ‘apt into the air for fun And felt so brave and bold ; And when they ‘d done their gallopings They d grown four splendid pairs of | wings. The Sun-God fetched them in again To draw his car of gold; But you can still see very plain Where each one leapt and rolled; For from each hoof-mark, every one, There sprang a little golden sun, And that same little golden flower People call Colt’s Foot to this hour. “The stove will stand by itself anywhere. It omits neither smoke nor smell.” Provincitl Paper. We know that stove.

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os gs of | : | Jury 28, 1920.] | ———————_ PUNCH, OR TI ak Cm Qu = | |i I et QW ~ Y SSSA —s Lady. ‘* WEL, I DoN’T KNow. [EK LONDON Lady. “CaN YOU SHOW ME SOMETHING SUITABLE CHARIVARL 79 veg levee FOR A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR A GEN@LEMAN?” Shopwalker. ‘‘ MEN’S FURNISHING DEPARTMENT ON THE NEXT FLOOR, MADAM.” THE GIFY IS FOR MY HUSBAND.” Shopwalker. “Ou, PARDON, MapaM. BarGAIN COUNTER IN THE BASEMENT.” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) Nor every regiment has the good luck to find for chroni- cler one who is not only a distinguished soldier but a practical and experienced man of letters. This fortune is enjoyed by The Gold Coast Regiment (Murray) in securing for its historian Sir HuGu Cuirrorp, K.C.M.G., from whose book you may obtain a vivid picture of a phase of the Empire’s effort about which the average Briton has heard comparatively little. G.C.R., the endurance and achievements of its brave and light-hearted troops, and the heroism and fostering care of its officers, make an inspiring story. Almost for the first time one gains some real idea of the difficulties of the East African campaign, that prolonged tiger hunt, in which every advantage of mobility, of choice of ground, ambush and the like lay with the enemy; and over very tough physical obstacles, as, for example, rivers so variable that, in the author's incisive phrase, they “can rarely be relied upon, for very long together, either to furnish drinking- water or to refrain from impeding transport.” It is inter- esting to note that Sir Huan, while giving every credit to the remarkable personality of the German commander, entirely demolishes the theory, so grateful to our sentimen- talists, that the absence of surrenders on the part of the enemy's black troops was due to any devotion to Von LeTtow-VorBECK as leader; the explanation being the characteristic German dodge of creating from the natives a military caste so highly privileged, and consequently un- popular with their fellows, that surrender, involving return to native civilian life, became a practical impossibility. Wiiielincneetntineneten The very strenuous compaigns of the} Much the best part, and a good best, of Sir Harry (Cottis) is the opening, which is not only delightful in itself but contains almost the sole example of a chapter-long letter (of the kind usually so unconvincing in fiction) in which I have found it possible to believe as being actually written by one character to another. The explanation of which is that this one is supposed to be sent to his wife by \the new Vicar of Royd, himself a successful novelist, on a | visit of inspection to his future parish. The efforts of Mrs. |Grant, at home, to disentangle essential facts from the |complications of the literary manner form as pleasant and human an introduction to a story as any I remember. The | story itself is one highly characteristic of its author, Mr. | ARCHIBALD MARSHALL, both in charm and truth to life, as | also in one minor drawback, of which I have taken occasion to |speak before. Nothing could be better done than the picture |of the household at Royd Castle, the boy owner, Sir Harry, | sheltered by the almost too-encompassing care of the three | elder inmates, mother, grandmother and tutor. When the | fictionally inevitable happens and an Eve breaks into this protected Eden there follow some boy-and-girl love-scenes that may perhaps remind you—-and what praise could be higher ?—of the collapse of another system on the meeting of Richard and Lucy. I will not anticipate the end of a sympathetically told story, which I myself should have enjoyed even more but for Mr. MArsHALL’s habit (hinted at above) of following real life somewhat too closely in the matter of non-progressive discussion. How I should-like him to lay his next scene in a community of Trappists! The Haunted Bookshop (CHAPMAN AND HAtt) is a daring, perhaps too daring, mixture of a browse in a second-hand

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——— 80 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 28, 1929

bookshop and a breathless bustle among international | stories about people who live in big country houses, a criminals. To estimate the accuracy of its technical details | subject that seems to have a particular attraction for the the critic must be a secret service specialist, the mustiest | large and ungrudging public which lives in villas. We have of bookworms and a highly-trained expert in the science | already several novelists who tell them very ably, and I feel and language of the American advertising business. Speak- | that some one among them has served as Miss Ena Mae- ing as a general practitioner, I like Mr.CuristorHEeRr Mortey| Manon’s model. The tale deals with the affairs of a showy best when he is being cinematographic; he hits a very] fickle cousin and a silent constant cousin who compete for happy mean with his spies and his sleuths, giving a nice|the love of the same delightful if rather nebulous young proportion of skill and error, failure and success, to both.| woman, and moves to its dénouement against a background There is a strong love-interest which will be made much of | of the great War, which Miss MacMaAnon has very sensibly and probably spoilt by the purchasers of the tilm-rights ; decided to view entirely from the home front. It contains and, though strong men will doubtless applaud hoarsely | some’ fine thinking and some bad writing (the phrase tell- and women will weep copiously, as the bomb in the book- |ing of the middle-aged smart woman who “ waved her foot shop throws the young lovers into each other's arms, I feel! impatiently” gives a just idea of the author's occasional that the book gives a more attractive portrait of 7:/anra} inability to say what she means), some quite extraneous Chapman, the plutocrat’s daughter, than ever can be material incidents and some scenes very well touched in. ‘The peo- ised in the film-man’s “close-up.” I am afraid that Mr.| ple, with a few exceptions, are of the race which inhabits Mortey will not thank me for praising his brisk melodrama | this sort of book, and, as we have long agreed with our at the cost of his ramblings in literature. But, if he has! novelists that “the county” is just like that, I don’t see the knowledge, he lacks iwhy Miss MacManon

7 — pagan mom not explain; and this is a pity, for| the easiest of literary feats, the good short sketch is in fact crema cacy nan ergy peer. have made her one of the most difficult. Now who should know this if Ase. } ! ooked at trom another| not Mr. Gatsworrny, and who am I that I should presume point of view, Anne may be taken as a mild piece of pri ypa-| to disagree? As a matter of fact I don't. Quite the con- ganda against divorce. I am glad it didn’t come to that. trary. * But naturally | shall oor no credit for that. 1 will a soo — a a cross-examining K.C. would | only add that Miss ASTON has not a majority mind, that ~t a a res es ng re Anne’s soul for me} she sees the sad thing more easily than the gay, that I like er of her story. her work best in her more objective moods, and that, like 90 many writers of perception, she finds the quintessence of

John Fitzhenry (Mus anv Boon) is one of those pleasant England's beauty in happy Sussex.

iol a OR RETR a BT es seated ae a sax Seely arr Ga Et Mace atbiogetss re

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cern = — @

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Avaust 4, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CILARIVARI. od Tie gs ee CHARIVARIA. only when there is no room for a vehi- precipice, Say escaped without injury. A provent is reported from India and astern Africa. Considering the amount of water which has recently escaped from clouds over here it is not surpris- ing to find that they are feeling the Psd *. pinch in other countries. * % * A corre spondent writes to a weekly paper inquiring when Sir Erie GEDDES was born. We admire the fellow’s re- straint in not asking “* Why ? + &% We understand that one wealthy | connoisseur has decided to give up buy- ing Old Masters in order to save up for the purchase of a railway ticket

the other direction to A more elaborate system of sig- nals is also suggested, notably two short squawks and a long groan, to signify “My pedestrian, [ think.” cle coming in pass. According to a Gounty Court judge it is the cluty ot every motorist who knocks down a pedestrian to go back and ask the man if he is hurt. But surely the victim cannot answer such a question off-hand without first consult- ing his solicitor. A great pilgrimage of house-hunters has visited the enormous marrow which is growing in an allotment at Ingate- We understand that in spite of many tempting offers from cinematograph companies the motorists have decided not to repeat the experiment. SOLVING THE HOLIDAY FARE PROBLEM. “ None but the rich can pay the fare”’ is as true at this moment as when the words were first penned. The reference, of course; is to the return fare, for the single fare of to- morrow is hardly more than we paid without complaint in years gone by for the journey there and back. How comparatively few people seem to be aware that the solution of the difficulty lies in not returning. Could

a stone, but the strong military guard | anything be simpler ? 1 Daily Mail points out that Lord | se nt to protect it t has | succes led up to Nobody wants to return. In pre- NortueutrFe has left Eng- Ee rR ae — paring for a holiday our ° As this 4 ee he ; land forthe Continent. Sir Wye '" me him) TR vw ¢ aes aad -— ibe pci bewcen Fa are ¢ concentrated Eri GeppES is said to yee Won when to go, where to have remarked that he oc 2 eS pe go and how to get there will catch his lordship *1 . Who bothers himself about inter coming back. when to come back, where to come back from, and A gentleman who = is how to do it? After all, about to travel to a South holiday-making is not to Coast resort writes to in- be confused with prize- quire what his position fighting. will be if some future Gov- fold That we have come back ernment reduces the rail- <e in the past has been due way fares before he arrives as much to custom as to at his destination, anything. Someone intro- % % duced the silly fashion of In view of the increased returning from holidays, railway fares there is some and we have unthinkingly talk of starting a Mansion acquired the habit. Once | House Fund to convey e we shake off this holiday Scotsmen home from Eng- Bags : we 3 convention the problem of : he Girl. “Isn't? THAT t. JONES BOWLING?” q j land before it is too late. i sie aia cl gaze ay se cali a the return fare is solved. » » The Enthusiast. “Yes. Tak oTurr DAY HE TOOK THREE WIckHErTs j : e : 4 ror six.” Just stay where you are Of the new railway The Girl, “How prraprer! I’p xo IDEA HE DRANK.” | and all wall be well. Booner rates it can be said that ia scien enaeseaiion pitta ane tas Or nen your friends or those who vO farthest will i ie worse, With reference ‘ the man who was seen laughing in the Strand the other day, it should be pointed out that he is not an English tax-payer but a Colonial who was catching the boat home next morning, #4 A Christmas-card posted at Farnham in Deeember, 1905, has just been de- livered at Ivyechureh. The theory is that the postal authorities mistook it for a business communication. * % one * [he monocle is coming into fashion once again, and it is thought that a motorist wearing one coggle will soon aha ala! be quite a common sight. In view of their unwieldiness and size it is being urged that motor chara- banes should. be required to carry a

special form of hooter, to be sounded a the present ‘ee to occupy | Sraiakn iting all attempts % A motor fire-engine dashed into a draper’s shop in the North of London last Tuesday week. We understand that one of the firemen with great pre- sence of mind justified his action by im- mediately setting fire to the building. A petrified fish about fifty feet long has been discovered in Utah. This is said to be the largest sardine and the smallest whale America has ever produced. * Building operations were interrupted in North London last couple of sparrows built a nest on some foundations just where a bricklayer was due to lay a brick the next day. Six tourists motoring through the mountainous district of Ardéche De-

partment fell a thousand feet down a week, when a} your employer (if your return is really considered desirable) will send a money - order. But that is their look-out. The point is that the return fare need not trouble you. And you can please your self as to what you buy with the money- order. Why all this outery then about the cost of travelling in the holiday season?

“HN, Lappas the voung Greek tenor whose début last season won him a host of fiends.” Daily Paper. As Mephistopheles, we presume. “Lost, Monday, July 19th, silver purse con | taining 10s. note and photographs ; also Jady’s bathing costume.” —Local Paper : Wrapped up in the “ Fisher,” no doubt. I once knew a bowler named Patrick Who, after performing the “ hat-trick,” Remarked, as he bowed His respects to the crowd, “Tt's nothing: Ioften do that trick!”

VOL. CLIX,

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3 LONDON CHARIVARI rH 62 PUNCH, talking about me having time on my BADLY SYNGED. hands? May the saints forgive you for Smith-Hybrows’ South London resi-|this blessed day to Mrs. Montgomery's dence. It is the day following the final | lecture on the Dadaist Dramatists, performance of the Smith - Hybrows’ |and the méringues and the American strenuous season of J. M.Syneordrama,|creams to be made for to-night’s undertaken with the laudable intention |Tchekoff Conversazione. Is it not of familiarising the suburb with the | enough for a girl to be destroy ed with real Irish temperament and the works | the play-acting, and the wind like to be of the dramatist in question. in my face the whole way and the rain Mrs. Smith-Hybrow is seated at the | falling, falling ? breakfast-table, her head buried behind Sits in her place and keens. the coffee urn. She is opening her letters and “keening’’ softly as she rocks in her chair. Mrs. Smith-Hybrow (scanning a letter). Will 1 be helping them with the sale of work? It’s little enough the | an like of me will be doing for them the | way I was treated at the last Bazaar, | when Mrs. McGupperty and Mrs. Glyn-|the blessed daylight away had | not Jones were after destroying me with | let fall upon him a sponge that I had the cutting of the sandwiches. And| picked out of the cold, cold water. was I not there for three days, from the Gertrude. It isa flapper you are, Dora rising of the blessed sun to the shining | Smith-Hybrow. of the blessed stars, cutting and cutting,| Dora. It is a flapper you will never and never a soul to bear witness to the| be again, Gertrude Smith-Hybrow, destroying labour of it, and the two|though you be after doing your queer legs of me like to give way with the| best to look like one. great weariness (keens)? I'Ilhaveno| Mrs. S.-H. Whisht! Is it the time call this year to be giving in to their|for loose talk, with the wind rising, prayers and beseechings, and I won’t| rising, and the rain falling, falling, and care the way the Curate will be after|the price of butter up another three- trying to come round me, with his eyes | pence this blessed morning ? looking at me the way the moon kisses | the drops of dew on the hedgerows | when the road is white. foll wed by Cy ril, ‘ [Opens another letter, keening the} Mr, S.-H, (staunching a gash in his while in a slightly higher key. chin). Is it not a hard thing for a man Enter Gertrude Smith-Hybrow. | to be late for his breakfast and the rain She crosses to the window and | falling, falling, and the wind rising, stares out. rising. It's destroyed I am with the Gertrude. There are black clouds in} loss of blood and no food in my stomach the sky, and the wind is breaking in| would keep the life in a flea. the west and making a great stir with | Sus in his place and opens his the trees, and they are hitting one on letters savagely. Cyril, a cada- the other. And there is rain falling, verous youth, stares gloomily into falling from the clouds, and the roads | the depths of the marmalade. be wet. | Cyril (dreamily), There’s gold and Mrs. S.-H. It is your mackintosh | gold and gold—caverns of gold. And you will be wanting when you are after | there’s a woman with hair of gold and going to the Stores. |eyes would pick the locks of a man’s Gertrude (coming to the table and | soul, and long shining hands like pale speaking with dull resentment). And| seaweed. Is it not a terrible thing that why should I be going to the Stores!a man would have to go to the City the way I have enough to do with a} when there is a woman with gold hair meeting of the League for Brighter} waiting for him in the marmalade pot Homes and a luncheon of the Cubist |—waiting to draw him down into the Encouragement Society? Isn't it a} cold, cold water? queer hard thing that Dora cannot be} Dora. Is it another spongeful you going to the Stores, and her with time| are w anting, Cyril Smith-Hybrow, and enough on her hands surely ? myself destroyed entirely waiting for [Suts in her place and begins keen- | the marmalade ? ing. yy hile she has been speaking [Cyril blushes, passes the mar- Dera has entered hurriedly, but- malade, sits down lanquidly and toning her jumper, ; selects an egg. Mrs. 8.-H. pours Dora (vigorously), And is it you, out the coffee and resumes her ing). Is it your father that will be miss- ing his train this morning, Dora Smith- Hybrow ? ‘Dora (rousing herself and selecting f’00)}~ They all three recommence keen- ing. Enter Mr. Smith-Hybrow Gertrude Smith-Hybrow, that will be keening. Te scene is the morning-room of the | the hard words, and me having to cycle | | . | breakfast-table making a noise like that Mrs. S.-H. (after an interval of keen- | It is my father that will be | | | | | missing his train entirely, and it is his} son that would this minute be sleeping | j | | | j [Avaust 4, 1990, aera a nice thing for the wife of a respect- able City stockbroker to sit at the of a cow that is waiting to be milked? Mrs. S.-H. (hurt). It is keening I am, Gertrude (passing him“ The Morning | Post’). Is it not enough that the price of butter is up another threepence this blessed day, and the wind rising, rising, and the rain falling, falling ? Mr. S.-H. 1 is destroyed we shall all be entirely. Cyril (gazing into the depths of his egg). There was a strange queer dream I was after having the night that has gone. It was on the rocks I was... Mr. S.-H. (glaring at the market reports). It is on the rocks we shall all be. Cyril. ... on the rocks I was by the sea-shore ... Dora (slightly hysterically). With |the wind rising, rising ? Cyril (nodding). . and the rain falling, falling. chorus drove up in a taxi, and the man that had the driving of it was eating an orange. The woman came and sat by the side of me, and the peroxide in her hair made it gleam like the pale gold coins that were in the banks be- fore the Great War (more dreamily). Never a word said she when I hung a chain of cold, cold sausages about her neck, but her eyes were shining, shin- ing, and into my hands she put a tin of corned beef. And it is destroyed I was with the love of her, and would have kissed her lips but I saw the park-keeper coming, coming out of the sea for tickets, and I fled from the strange queer terror of it, and found myself by a lamp-post in Hackney Wick with the wind rising, rising, and the rain falling, falling. He stops. The others stare at him and at one another in piteous inquiry. The women begin keen- ing. Mr. S.-H. seizes the re maining egg and cracks it vier ously. Mr. S.-H. (falling back in his chair). Damnation! The air is filled with a pungent nutter-of-fact odour, Dora, hold- ing her handkerchief to her nose, rushes valiantly at the offender and hurls it out of the window on to a flower-bed, The SYNGE spell is broken, Mr. Punch begs to thank the seven hundred and forty-three correspondents who have so thoughtfully drawn his attention to the too familiar fact that “there's many a slip ‘twixt the Cup and the Lipton.” ———_ And a woman of the} 1 OPN ED seetaed toe Fi Deeper i ecta cats an z : é & & = a

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___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avausr 4, 1920. \,jue — SS DNS A \ a te OF THE SEA. AND BETTER LUCK NEXT CUP THE BLUE RIBBON SIR THOMAS, “*BUT LEAVE A KISS WITHIN THE AND [very tactfully} L’LL NOT ASK FOR WINE.” TIME.” Coutumsia,. “ YOUR HEALTH, Sirk Toomas Lipton.

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prem oo i j } enna name = wennyong ma —————, [Aueust 4, 1920, 84 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ee Professional (to self-made man having his first lesson). “You 'vE HIT THIS ONE HARD } NEVER SEEN A BALL GASHED LIKE THAT BEFOR! Self-made Man, “WiLL, LAD, AH MOSTLY 10 GET RESU! NOUGH, SiR, AND NO MISTAKE. Wary, lv! rs FROM ONYTHING AH TAKES OOP.” THE SUCCULENT COMEDIANS. said about httle pigs, dead and ripe for the eater, had been said here and said AmonG the literary and artistic trea- | finally. But the living? That very sures of American collectors the manu- script of Lams’s essay on Roast Pig is eminent. I have seen this rarity, which is now in the strong room where Mr. Prerront Morean keeps his autographs safe equally from fire and from theft if not from the desire to thieve. Mueh did I covet in this realm of steel, and Lamb's MS. not least. The essay oceu- pies both sides of large sheets of fools- cap, written in a minute hand, with very few corrections, both the paper and the time occupied in transcription, if not also in actual composition, being, I should guess, the East India Com- pany’s. It is not, I imagine, the first changes had been made and the form was fixed; and its author, if he is in any position to know what is going for- ward on a planet which he left some six-and-eighty years ago, must have amused when he much money—thousands and thousan of dollars had auction the other day. been been given for it at » } } ° , . Reading the essay again, in the faded i | once more that everything that can be ink on the vellowing paper, I realised draft, but the first fair copy after all the | evening I was to find little live pigs working for their maintenance under conditions of which I had neverdreamed, in an environment less conducive, one would suppose, to porcine activity than any that could be selected. lt was at Coney Island, that aston- ishing permanent and magnified Earl's Court Exhibition, summer Blackpool and August-Bank-Holiday- Hampstead- | Heath, which New York supports for its pI r it In this domain of switch- backs and chutes, merry-go-rounds and beguilement. hing waves, vociferous and crowded and lit by a million lamps, I came sud- upon the Pig Slide and had a new | conception of what quadrupeds can do | consisted of an enclosure in which stood | heard that so | | uppet storey ; Cages, 1n each oft lor man. The Pig Slide, which was in one of } the less noisy quarters of Luna Park, | a wooden building of two storeys, some : . , = 1 three high. On the was a row of six or eight f which dwelt a little live pig, an infant of a few weeks. In five yards wide and ; ie middle of the row, descending to } | the ground, was an inclined board, with shooting - galleries, dancing - halls and | | ‘aised edges, such as is often installed jin swimming-baths to make diving | automatic, and beneath each cage was a | hole a foot in diameter. The spectators jand participants crowded outside the en- | closure, and the thing was to throw balls, | which were hired for the purpose, into the holes. Nothing could exceed the alert and eager interest taken by the |little pigs in the efforts of the ball- |throwers. They quivered on their little legs; they pressed their little noses against the bars of the cages; their little eyes sparkled ; their tails (the only corkscrews left in America) curled and }uncurled and curled again: and with reason, for whereas, if you missed—as was only too easy—nothing happened, if you threw accurately the fun began, and the fun was also theirs. This is what occurred. First rang and then a spring released the door of the cage immediately over the hole which your ball had entered, so that it swung open. The little pig within, after watching the previous in- firmity of your aim with dejection, if not contempt, had pricked up his ears on the sound of the bell, and now smiled a gratified smile, irresistible in infee- tiousness, and trotted out, and, with the smile dissolving into an expression of a bell i | ieee ab ietake

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os a gehac enapepeiid | Aveusr 4, 1920.) PU NC H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 85 Ordinary Artist (to Ultra-Modern ditto). “How TopPInGc THOSE KIDDIES LOOK WITH THE 8UN ON THEM! On, I rorcor—I mean THOSE THINGS SPLASHING ABOUT OVER THERE. Of CCURSE YOU DON'T SEE THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS ibsolute beatitude, slid preureby. (Twas here that I began to yawn down the plank to be gathered in at | THE MINISTERING ANGEL. g Behind a courteous hand), the foot by an attendant and re turned | Y ‘ci . am i w claimed, is an excellent} And how he thought his favourite pea | . } g ior ) eait y ’ | to its cage all ready for another such | G. i a Had found the soil too dry | ‘ TRETCHED prone upon i +0 1 of} , , . I udventure. ee pe ee eg ee | (And here I feared my yawns would be It was for these moments and their pain, 5 Apparent to his eye) concomitant changes of countenance An ache in every limb, mn litant changes ‘ounten ; 7 3 aie t] y T | Fell influenza having slain On fruit and blossom good and bad at you paid your money. To taste aad . the tr My customary vim, He rambled on unchecked, ie triumph of g we Bes es Bs us U Seb t I mused, disconsolate, about ntil his conversation had | only a fraction of your joy; the greater me ‘ [he ttern of mv pall Such curative effect art of nsisted in liberating a little ann egecyreeae. Sp) | Pa of it consiste 1 liberating a | WI lot T] te That the end it drove Pate af hen lo! 1 heard a step without lat in the end 16 drove away | prisoner and setting in motion so much | oe My k d | eestasy And Thomson came to call. SLY Weak despone ent moor peat A wae sie . : bate : I clasped his hand and blessed the day We do not use baby pigs in thisenter-} “Your ruddy health,” I told him, H : ume to do me good ' . ’ ; ; 1 | ’ ec ne wv ( > gO ° taining way in England. At the most “ mocks = ve hunt them greased. But when other \ hand too weak to grip ; : 7 +: “% tT - > TTR amt ra” beguilements weary we might. The| The tea-cup with its captive ox MORE DEARER Pt wus nor oe R.S.P.C.A. could not object, the little | And raise it to my lip aiey i sie gia “te woe us More dearer nor what they was? pets are so happy. And what a privi-}| To which he answered he had come eng ene : , . * ; | | , } ear, dear. lege is theirs, both alive and dead, to To bring for my delight ; Ee enchant creation’s lord. Red posies of geranium : From Young India, the organ of Mr. —— And roses pink and white. GANDHI “In order to give a lead in economy King , { f 101 g we 5 aie 5 “Tn our last issue the number of those in George and Queen Mary and a number of | I'was kind ot Thomson thus to seek receipt of . os given a aan This ia . : | m eceipt of relief is given at 500. S18 peeresses have decided not to wear plumes or To mitigate my gloom, printer’s devil. The number is 5,000.” tulle veils at the opening of Parliament.” > EE ee -" ae os es Pisin , 5 dusivaiien Pom. sut why did he pl coed to speak Mr. GANDHI ought to exorcise that devil. Very self sacrificing of His MAJEsTy Of how he'd reared each bloom, Seii-sacr ns S i [STY. rm . Tr y =” r = Telling in language far from terse “The tests were entirely satisfactory, and P ; ' the pilot manceuvred for a quarter of an hour ‘*My husband says I must leavee teo-night, On what his blossoms fed at height of 500 metres a a speed of 150 said a wife at Acton. ‘Oh, hee eceance’t givee And how he made the greenfly curse | saillin po yaa om: tonne ©... Agana you,..notice to quit,” said the magistrate.” The day that it was bred ? os tay Evening Paper. : This is believed to be the nearest ap- His worship seems to have settled the He told me how he rose at dawn proach to “ hovering that has yet matter with e's. To titivate the land been achieved by a machine.

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PUNCH, OR THE LON ‘DON CHARIVARI.

——_ | AuGustT 4, 1920.

| RE | me SS NITRATES. | Aut alone I went a-walking by the London Docks one day, | For to see the ships disch: arging in the bs wins where they lay ; And the e: urgoes that I saw there they were every sort and | kind, Every blessed brand of merchandise a man could bring to} mind ; |'There were things in crates and boxes, there was stuff in bags and bales, . There were tea-chests wrapped in matting, there were Eastern-looking frails, | There were baulks of teak and greenheart, there were stacks of spruce and pine, | There was cork and frozen carcasses and casks of Spanish wine, | There was rice and spice and cocoa-nuts, and rum enough was there | For to warm all London's innards up and leave a drop to| spare; But of all the freights I found there, gathered in from fa and wide, es | All the smells both nice and nasty from the Pool to Barking | side, | All the harvest of the harbours from Bombay to Montreal, | | There was one that took my fancy first and foremost of | | them all; | It was neither choice nor costly, was neither rich not rare | And, in most ways you can think of, it was neither here nor there, It was nothing over-beautiful to smell nor yet to see Only bags of stuffy nitrate—but it meant a lot to me. I forgot the swarming stevedores, I forgot the dust and din, And the rattle of the winches hoisting car And the rusty tramp wide, go out and in, before me with her hatches open And the grinding of her derricks as the sacks went overside; I forgot the murk of London and the dull November sky I was far, ay, far from England, i that gone by. na day S$ long I forgot the thousand changes years have brought in shi and men, And the knots on Time's old log-line that | since then, And I saw a fast full-vigger with her swelli: ave reeled

| And the steady trade-wind droning in her royals overhead, | Fleecy trade-clouds on the sky -line—high above the | ™.,. . : . Tropic blue And the curved arch of her foresail and the ocean gleaming | through ; | 1 rece alled the Cape Stiff weather, when your soul-case| seemed to freeze, - | And the trampling, cursing watches and the pouring, | pooping seas, And the ice on spar and jackstay, and the cracking, volle ying | sail, ' And the tatters of our voices blowing down the roaring gale 1 recalled the West Coast harbours just as plain as yester year— Nitrate ports, all dry and dusty, where they sell fresh wate: dear : Little cities white and wicked by a bleak and barren shore, With an anchor on the cliff-side for to show you where to moor ; ’

away | ng canvas spread, | | And the sour vel ¥ wine we tas sted, and the foolish songs we sung, | And the girls we had our fun with in the days when we were young ; And the dancing in the evenings down at Dago Bill's saloon, And the stars above the mountains and the sea’s eternal tune. | Only bags of stuffy nitrate from a far Pacifie shore | From a dreary West Coast harbour that I'll surely fetch no more; | Only bags of stuffy Le na with its faint familiar smell | Bringing back the ships and shipmates that I used to know so well; } | Half a lifetime lies between us and a thousand leagues of

sea, But it called the days departed and my boyhood hack to me. C. F. 5. ROSES ALL THE WAY. | FIRED by an Irish rose-grower’s pictures of some of his | beautiful new seedlings we are tempted to deseribe one or |two of our own favourite flowers in language similar to is OWN. | Lapy | This is an example of the way he does it Maureen Srewart (/ybrid Tea).—A_ gloriously-finished | globular slightly imbricated cupped bloom with velvety black scarlet j} cerise shell-shaped petals, whose reflex is solid pure orangey maroon without veining. An excellent bloom, ideal shape, brilliant and non | fading colour with heavy musk rose odour, Erect growth and flower jstalk. Foliage wax and leathery and not too large. <A very flor- ferous and beautiful rose. 21s. each.” Why not also these ? Davip (Hybrid Tory-Lib.).—A gloriously-finished true- blue slightly imbricated with-red-flag coalition rose whose | perfect exhibition-cross question-hostile-amendment sym- metry of form without blueing « x burning in the hottest Westminster Its smiling peach and cerise endear- ments terminating in black scarlet shell shaped waxy Berlin } 7 , | deep globular head with ornate decorative calyx retains its | } i | sun ultimata are carried on an admirably rigid peduncle. Equally | vigorous in all parts of Europe. Superbly rampant. Not ; on sale. AUSTEN (Tea and most othe things). This hottomless- cupped bank-paper-white - edged - and - rimmed - with - tape- pink-margin bloom, the reflex of whose never-fading < —m {notes is velvety black thunder-cloud with lightning-flash six-months-in-the-second-division ve nations, has never been known to be too full. It is supported by a landlordly stalk lof the utmost profits war - profits . . profits | rigidity A decorative, acquisitive and especially captivat- | ing and more than a popular Ls. excess mino} rose, somet already in £1. THOMAS (Ceylon and India Tea) This true the British bull-dog has a slightly globular | double-hemisphere-popular greatly-desiring-and-deserving- to-be-cupped bloom whose pearly preserved-cream flesh 1s | delicately flushed and mottled with tinned salmon and dried apricot. Rich golden and banking-account stamina, foliage deep navy blue with brass buttons and a superb fragrance of western ocean. Its marvellous try-try-try-again florifer- }ousness in all weathers is the admiration of all beholders Price hing | favourite Sir sport from rose no object From a weather forecast “ General Outloo! It appears probable that further expressions will arrive from the westward or north-westward before long, and that jattor a temporary improvement the weather will again become un- settled, with much ck ud and occasional rain. Evening Paper, In which event further expressions (of a sultry character) | may he expected from all round the compass.

PAL pay alberta SATS AR oe oi SPIES cnet: Qin

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me. 4 Act I.,

Lhe Tempest, ) THESE YELLOW SANDS TAKE HANDS.”

“COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS.” wot | a | — — om < —— — © Zi © =) b A © .’ — rn | — — Et | 2 | a _ _— — | =e i Zz | S ae a. F ee | Hy) Ln By SQA LLL WY

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| | | | QUEEN’S COUNSEL. Tur Fairy Queen shook her head in answer to my question. “ No,” said, “I have no favourite flower.” She had dropped in after dinner, as was her occasional habit, and at the moment sat perched on a big red carna- she tion which stood in a flower-glass on | lighted if 1 could assist you with any the top of my desk. “You see,” she continued, floating across to where | was sitting and lower- the trouble it would cause. Imagine they're all frightfully touchy. I daren't even sleep in the same flower two nights running.” ‘Yes, I see,"’ | said. | very awkward.” | lapsed into silence ; I had had a | worrying day and was feeling tired and “It must be about the room, pausing a moment on the mantel-shelf for a word or two with her old friend the Dresden china | shepherdess. Then she came back to | the desk and performed a brief pas seul on the shining smooth cover of my pass-book. my slender bank-balance and certain | recent foolishnesses. “Talking of favourites,’ J said interest in racing?” Instantly the Queen subsided on to | my rubber stamp damper, which was | fortunately dry. | ~“QOh, yes,” she replied, “I take a | great interest in racing. I love it. I | can give you all sorts of hints.’ | | | called a week or two earlier. I might | have been a richer woman by a good | many pounds. “And there are so many kinds,” continued the Queen earnestly. ‘“ Now in a butterfly race it's always best just to hold on and let them do as they like. It’s not a bit of use trying to make them go straight. Rabbits are better in that way, but even rabbits are a little uncertain at times. Full of nerves. But have you ever tried swallow racing ?"” “It's simply splendid. You give them their heads and you never know where you may get to. But, anyway, it doesn't really matter in the least after- wards who wins; it’s only while it's happening that you feel so thrilled, isn’t it?” I didn’t acquiesce very whole-heart- edly. I'm afraid my thoughts were YX the state of mind of the lilies if I were | to show a preference for roses. There's | suitable. always been a little jealousy there, and | | a little depressed. The Queen fluttered | anattered afterwards. I really had been ing her voice confidentially, for there | how I was going to make one hundred | were a good many flowers about—“ you | pounds do the work of two during the see it would never do. Just think of | next few weeks; but somehow I didn't | The | fixed on mine with an expression of the | artistic temperament, you know. Why, | gentlest interest and solicitude, | My mind flew instantly to} “ talking of favourites, do you take any | | I thought it was a pity she hadn't} a8 PUNCH, OR with my lost guineas. It had rather very foolish, « You look depressed,” said the Fairy Queen. “Can | help you? 1’m really extremely practical, You know, don’t you,” she leaned forward and looked at me earnestly, “that 1 should be de- advice ? I hesitated. Just before she came | had been anxiously considering as to quite like to mention such material matters to the Queen; it didn't seem | looked up and met her kind eyes ‘I wonder,” I said, still hesitating, whether you know anything about stocks and shares?” TI I E LONDON CHARIVARL. a [Avausr 4, 1920, making my fortune by such means, though I was a little anxious as to how I was going to make use of the infor. mation I was about to acquire, “T will ask Cousin Fred,” I decided (Cousin Fred being a stockbroker), and | smiled a little to myself as | thought how amazed and possibly amused my dapper cousin would be when he learnt the source of my knowledge. He might even refuse to believe in it—and then where should I be? I needn't have troubled. When I unfolded my rose-petals this is what I read m “* Stocks.—The white ones are much the best and have by far the sweetest scent, Shares. Always go shares.” R. F. HEART OF MINE. (Being a rather hysterical contribution “Stocks and shares,” she repeated | slowly, looking just a little vague and | puzzled And then—‘QOh, yes, of} course I do, if that’s all you want to] know.’ | I felt quite pleased now that I had | really got it out ‘If you could just give me a useful | hint or two I should be tremendously | grateful,” I said. Already thousands | loomed entrancingly beforeme \lready | I saw myself settled in that darling cotiave on the windy hill above Dac- combe Wood Already ‘l think T had better get a pencil and paper,” I dreadful. said. “My memory ‘'s But the Fairy (Jueen shook her head. “ L'll write it down for you,” she] said, ‘‘and you can read it when I m | gone. That’s so much morefun. But! lL don't ner 1 paper.” | | She drew a tiny shining implement | from her pocket and, picking up a | |couple of rose-petals which had fallen jupon the table, she busied herself with jafter she had gone; but when I came she went on enthusiastically, | feeling quite excited at the prospect of them for a moment at my desk, her mouth pursed up, her brows contracted | in an expression of intense seriousness. “There,” she said, “that’s that. And now show me ail your new clothes.” We spent quite a pleasant evening over one thing and another, and | forgot all about the rose-leaves until back to my empty sitting-room they shone in the dusk with a soft radi- ance which came, I discovered, from the writing on them. It glowed like those luminous figures on watches which were so entrancing when they first appeared. I had never realised before that they were fairy figures, I spread the petals out on my palm, ito see if they sounded hollow. jand has got into the habit of looking from our Analytical Novelist.) F'riday.— 1 suppose one never realises till one is actually dead how nearly dead one can be without actually being it, You see what | mean? No. Well, how blithely, how recklessly one rollicks through life, fondly believing that one is in the best of health, in the prime of condition, and all the time one is the unconscious victim of some fatal in- firmity or disease. own case. I mean, take my I went to see my doctor in order to be cured of hay fever. He ex- amined my heart. He made me take off my shirt. He hammered my chest; he rapped my ribs with his knuckles | don't know why he did this, but I think he was at one time attached to a detective for secret passages and false panels and fo on Anyhow, he suspected my chest, and he listened at it for so long that any miscreant who had been concealed in it would have had to give himself away by coughing or blowing his nose. After a long time he said, heart 's dilated. ‘ Your You want a complete rest. Don't work. Don’t smoke. Don't drink. Don'teat. Don’t do anything. Take plenty of exercise. Sit perfectly still. Don’t mope. Don't rush about, Take this before and after every meal. Only don't have any meals.” I laughed at him. I knew my heart was perfectly sound, much sounder than most men’s. I went home. I didn’t even have the prescription made up. Saturday.—Now comes the tragic thing. That very night I realised that he was right. There is something wrong with my heart. It is too long. It is too wide. It is too thick. It 1s out of place. It would be difficult to say eractly where the measurements — eect Sey yah eas

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— raat FR UCL ree IEE Fhe ore sas oo he hie NS) 1 cee cnpy te Avaust 4, 1920.) PUNCH, Sympathetic Old Lady. “ AND WHEN YoU hE YOUR EYES?” BERG } Longshore Billy. “T Expecr rm lare wrong, but one has a sort of sevse you ae ie, o that it is too large... A feeling . Somehow | before; I never even it was there but now I always | know that it is there—trying to get out | put my hand on it and can | feel it definitely expanding—like a foot- ball bladder. Sometimes I think it wants to get out at my collar-bone; sometimes I think it will blow out under my bottom rib; sometimes some other way. It is terrible I have had the prescription made up Sunday.—-The way it beats! Some- fast and heavy and em | phatie, like a bad barrage of 59's. For tunately my watch has a second-hand, | 80 that | can time it-—forty-five to the | half - minute, ninety-five to the full minute. Then | know that the end is near; everyone knows that the normal rate for a healthy adult heart is seventy-two. : very slow, feel swollen never felt felt that know can i this times very very Then sometimes it goes very dignified and faint, as when some great steamer glides in at slow speed to her anchorage, and the engines thump in a subdued and pro found manner very far away, or as when at night the solemn tread of some huge policeman is heard, remote and soft and eens OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — a —— SS WENT DOWN FOR But you see what I mean. Monday.—-How was it, | wonder, that all this was hidden from me for so long? And now what am [I to do? I ama doomed man. With a heart hke this last long. I have resigned [ have given up my work. I can think of nothing but this dull pain, this heavy throbbing at my side. My work—ha! Yesterday | met another young doctor at tea. He asked me if { I suid I did | cannot my clubs: there was any “ murmur,” not know—no one had told me. But after tea I went away and listened. Yes, there was a murmur; I could hear it plainly. I told the young doctor. He said that murmurs were not con- sidered so important nowadays. What matters is “the reaction of the heart to work.” By that test [ am doomed indeed, But the murmur is better. Tuesday l told Anton He says he has have Gre goroviteh Gregorski. a heart too Wedne sday. I have been learning | am worse even than In a the dining room things to-day. the doctor thought. book medical dictionary. reference there is a It says: * Dilata- tion leads to dropsy, shortness of breath I have got in and blueness of the face.” 1HE THIRD TIME THE WHOLE OF YOUR PAST LIFE OF COURSE FLASHED pip, Mum, pur I ‘ap ’EM SHUT AT THE TIME, 8O I MIssED Ir.” dilated—I mean dilatory, or as when-—| some of those already. I have never seen a face so blue. It in the early morning. Thursday.—The heart is bigger again to-day——about an inch each way. The weight of it is terrible to carry . I have to take taxis This even- ing it was going at thirty-two to the minute, ‘ Friday.—Last night, when I tried to count the beats, | could not find it. . . « It must have stopped. . . . Anton Gregorovitch says it 1s the end. . This is my last entry... . Saturday.—My face is very blue. It is like a forget-me-not it is hke a volume of Hansard. . . I shall go to the as | promised he can do nothing, but it will interest him to see how much bigger the heart has grown in the last few days. No more Sunday said it was much better It is undilated again After all | am not going to die. But the reaction to work is still bad. This evening | make it sixty to the minute is like the sea see doctor The doctor Monday.——Vhis morning's count was seventy-two. It is terrible. APH,

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a ar a en en a OT ee a N= a, rnin Aaeer—a ato eens — ————— - rarer merrreerearese: -- f

tit ttCri =<... ee eee

Mollve. “ AUNT juntie. “No, MY pear, Dipn'r yot THEREFORE COULD NOT GO TO HEAVEN? Mollie. “ Wrent DON'T CATS GO TO HEAVEN?” DO THEY GET THE STRINGR POR THE HARP FLOWERS’ NAMES. Suernernd's Pursi | THERE was a silly shepherd lived out at Taunton Dene (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer! | And oh, but he was bitter cold! and oh, but he was mean! The maidens vowed a bitterer had never yet been seen At | | | Taunton in the summer. i He lived to gather in the gold he loved to } ear it chink (Hey-nonny nonny-no for Taunton in the summer !), | And he could only dream of gold—of gold could think ; And all the fairies watched him, and they watched him with a wink At Taunton in the summer. only At last one summer noonday, when the sky was blue and deep (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer !), They made him him heavy-headed as he watched beside | his sheep | And all the little Taunton elves came stealing out to peep At Taunton in the summer. They opened wide his wallet and they stole the coins away | _(Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!), ~ | They took the round gold pieces and they used them for their play, ; They rolled and chased and tumbled them and lost them in the hay At Taunton in the summer. 90 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {[Auausr 4, 1990, | Nd 4 Oats . bea) | ow 2 a0 “4 )) Mais —Ti ne A AT THK CHILDRLN &S SERVICE THAT ANIMALS HADNT 4 AND | And when they 'd finished playing they used all their magi¢ powers (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!) ; | The silly shepherd woke and wept, he sought his gold for hours, | And all he found was drifts and drifts of tiny greenish flowers i At Taunton in the summer. More Work for His Majesty’s Judges. | ‘Potato disease has unfortunately made its appearance in the - listrict, the early and uttacked | The late crops are free from disease up to the present, and it is hoped by judicial spraying to save them.”-—Local Paper wecond early crops being seriously | From an interview with the Superintendent of Regent's Park “* People seem surprised,’ he said, ‘when T tell them that within a | fow minutes’ walk of Baker Street Station, and the incessant din of Marylebone Road, such birds as the cuckoo, flycatcher, robin and vren have reared their young.’ "—Observer. ae l'o hear of the cuckoo bringing up its own family in any | circumstances was, we confess, a little bit of a shock.

Idling, my dear fellow!’ was Mr. Jerome K, Jerome's decisive iunswer tomy question ‘What do you most like doing at holiday-time?’ ‘But if, and only when, Lam really driven to exertion, let mo have 4 1orse between my legs, a pair of oars, and a billiard-table, and | ask 1othing more of the gods.’ "— Answers. |} ! The next time Mr. Jerome indulges in this performance may we be there to see.

ae ed

ALO hart ae

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BELGIUM | \ SV“ss iy Vii LY nf / UY), mS THE LEAGUE OF YOUTH. War-weary Worup (at the Jamboree). “IT WAS NEARLY LOSING HOPE, BUT ALL YOU BOYS GIVES IT BACK TO ME.” ’ THE SIGHT OF

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SUPA w ma ee . eae err mmenrte ns ee —— es r — “ ——e ~- oe — s — sein yas arsnciemrne the Te a ne

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| j } ' | were about to discuss the Law of Pro- | perty Bill, which seeks to abolish the : distinction Avaust 4, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 93 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, July 26th.— When the Peers between land and other property, Lord Cave dropped a bomb- shell into the Committee by moving to omit the whole of Part I. Lords Hat- DANE and BUCKMASTER were much upset and loudly protested against the pro- posal to cut out “ the very heart and substance of the measure.” The Lorp CHANCELLOR was less perturbed by the explosion and was confident that after further discussion he could induce the CAvE-dwellers to come into line with modern re- quirements. Thirty-four clauses thus disappeared with a bang; and of the hundred and odd remain- ing only one gave much trouble. Objection was taken to Clause 101, granting the public full rights of access to com- mons, on the grounds zn- ter alia that it would give too much freedom to gip- sies and too little to golfers. Lord SALISBURY, who, like the counsel in a famous legal story, claimed to “ know a little about manors,” was sure that only the lord could deal faithfully with the Egyptians, but, fortified by Lord HALDANE’s assur- ance that the clause gave the public no more rights “~ and the lords of the | manor no less than they | had before, the House passed it by 42 to 29. | Mr. BripGeman, for the Board of Trade, bore | the brunt of the early questioning in the House of Commons. He sustained with equal imperturba- bility the assaults of the Tariff Re- formers, who asserted that British toy- | making—an “infant industry” if ever there was one — was being stifled by foreign imports; and those of the Free Traders, who objected to the Govern- ment’s efforts to resuscitate the dyeing trade. F The alarming rumours in the Sunday papers about the Prime Murvister’s state of health were effectually dis- pelled by his appearance on the Front “You David. The Mother of weak point in an adversary’s case and | to put his own in the most favourable | light. From the enthusiasm of his an- nouncement that the Soviet Govern- Opposition, a little weary-looking, no doubt, but as alert as ever to seize the ment had accepted our invitation to attend a Conference in London, one would have thought that the Bolshev- ists had agreed to the British proposals unconditionally and that peace—“ that is what the world wants ’’—was now assured. Abhorrence of the Government of Ireland Bill is the one subject on which all Irishmen appear to think alike. It is, no doubt, with the desire to preserve that unanimity that the Prime Mints- TER announced his intention of pressing the measure forward after the Recess “with all possible despatch.” But before that date it looks as if Irishmen would have despatched one Before and after this melancholy interlude good progress was made with the Finance Bill, and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN made several further concessions to the “ family-man.” Tuesday, July 27th.—The Lords re- jected the Health Resorts and Watering Places Bill under which local author- ities could have raised a penny rate for advertising purposes. Lord Sovuta- WARK'S well-meant endeavour to sup- port the Bill by reminding the House that Irish local authorities had enjoyed this power since 1909 was perhaps the proximate cause of its defeat, for it can hardly be said that the last few weeks have enhanced the reputation of Ireland as a health resort. Mr. Harmsworth ut- terly confounded the cri- tics of the Passport Office. Its staff may appear pre- posterously large and its methods unduly dilatory, but the fact remains that it is one of the few public departments that actu- ally pays its way. Last KNOW THE RHYME, ‘THIS LITTLE PIG WENT TO MARKET, AND THIS LITTLE PIG STAYED AT HOME'?” Parliaments. ‘Yrs, DAVID, DEAR. another. The little band of Nationalists had handed in a batch of private-notice Questions arising out of the disturbances in Belfast. Their description of them as the outcome of an organised attack upon Catholics was indignantly challenged bv the Ulstermen, and the SPEAKER had hard work to maintain order. The con- test was renewed on a motion for the adjournment. As a means of bringing peace to Ireland the debate was abso- llutely futile. But it enabled Mr. | Devin to fire off one of his tragical- | comical orations, and Sir H.GrEENwoop l to disclaim the accusation that he had |treated the Irish problem with levity. |“ There is nothing light and airy about me,” he declared; and no one who has | heard his pronunciation of the word | ‘“ Belfast ’’ would doubt it. GRANDMAMMA, THAT SAYS— WHY DO YOU MENTION IT? David. “Ou, I WAS MERELY WONDERING WHAT WAS TO BE DONE ABOUT IT.” year it spent thirty-seven thousand pounds and took ninety-one thou- sand pounds in fees. “See the world and help to pay for the War” should be the motto over its portals. It is, of course, quite proper that soldiers who wreck the property of civilians — albeit under great provocation — should receive suitable punishment. But a sailor is hardly the man to press for it. Lieutenant-Com- mander KENWORTHY re- ceived a much - needed » lesson in etiquette when Major JAMESON gravely urged, in his penetrating Scotch voice, that soldiers in Ireland should be ordered not to distract the prevailing peace and quiet of that coun- try, but should keep to their proper function of acting as targets for Sinn Fein bullets. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN dealt very gingerly with Sir ArTHUR FELL’s inquiry as to whether “any ordinary individual can understand the forms now sent out by the Income Tax Department?” Fear- ing that if he replied in the affirmative he would be asked to solve some par- ticularly abstruse conundrum, he con- tented himself with saying that the forms were complicated because the tax was complicated, and the tax was complicated because of the number and variety of the reliefs granted to the tax- payer. It does not seem to have oc-

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Rey on 94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ———— [Avaust 4, 1920, curred to him that it is the duty of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to make the tax simple as well as equitable. Is it conceivable that he can have for- gotten Apam Smrrn’s famous maxims on the subject, and particularly this: | “The time of payment, the manner of payment, the quantity to be paid, ought all to be clear and plain to the contri- butor, and to every other person " ? The House did not rise till half-past one this morning, and was again faced with a long night's work. In vain Sir DonaLp Macuean protested against the practice of taking wee sma’ Bills in the wee sma’ oors. Mr. Bonar Law was obdurate. He supposed the House had not abandoned all hope of an Autumn recess. said that the best of all ways to lengthen our days was to steal a few hours from the night ? Well, then, had not the poet | The Report stage of the Finance Bill was finished off, but not until the Government had experienced some shocks. The Corporation tax, intended | partially to fill the yawning void which | will be caused some day by the di: appearance of E.P.D.—on the principle that one bad tax deserves anothet condemned with equal vigour, but for entirely different reasons, by Colonel Wepawoop and Sir F. Bansury. They Wits “told” together against it and had the | satisfaction of bringing the Govern- ment majority down to fifty-five. The champions of the Co-operative Societies also put up a strong fight against the proposal to make their profits, for the first time, subject to taxation. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN declined, however, to put them in a privileged position as compared with other traders, but carried his point only by sixty-one votes. Wednesday, July 28th In spite of the limitation of Questions the Member for Central Hull still manages to ex tract a good deal of information from the Treasury Bench. This afternoon he learned Mr. Lona that the Board of Admiralty was not created solely for the purpose of satisfying his curiosity; and from Mr. Kenuaway that the equipment of even the most versatile Under-Secretary does not in clude the gift of prophecy. At long last the House learned the Government decision regarding the in | crease in railway fares. It is to come into foree on August 6th, by which time from should have returned from his revels. Mr. Borar Law appended to the an- nouncement a surely otiose explana- tion of the necessity of the increase Everybody knows that railways are being run at a loss, due in the main to the increased wages of miners and rail i giving a stimulus t apa nna way-men. Mr. Tuomas rather weakly submitted that an important factor was the larger number of men employed, and was promptly met with the retort that that was because of the shorter hours worked. Cheered by the statement of its Leader that he still hoped to get the adjournment by August 14th the House plunged with renewed zest into the final stage of the Finance Bill. Mr. Bor- TOMLEY, whose passion for accuracy 1s notorious, inveighed against the lack of this quality in the Treasury Estimates. As for the war-debt, since the Govern ment had failed to “make Germany pay,” he urged that the principal burden should be left for posterity to shoulder These sentiments rather shocked M1 Asguira, who, while mildly eritical of Government methods, was all in favour of “ severe, stringent, drastic taxation.” ee - “ A “a c= hema —— 7 BONAR LAW MR. PACKS HIS TRUNKS. Mr, CHAMBERLAIN repeated his now fa milarleeture to the House of Commons, which, while accusing the Government of extravagance, was always pressing for new forms of expenditure. In the study of economy he dislikes abstrae tions—-except from the pockets of the taxpayer. “Company's cowshed,” water is on to the im Datly Paper, house and ldvert, Now we know why our water is some times contaminated with milk. * One of the most striking of the collection of exhibits of fascinating interest fat the Imperial War Museum) is the Air Fores map ' | for carrying out the British plan for bombing | the most belated Bank-Holiday-maker | Berlin | 3,000 pounds each, are als Spor imens of the bombs, weighing » included in this jimuseum of war souvenirs with the object of | demonstrating the resources of the Empire and » its trade.” South Afi wan Pape r Motto for British traders : you don’t succeed, ( try, try trinitrotol- uene.’ jhas a disarming habit of introducing “Tf at first | ———aes, THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT, 1 went into the morning-room with a worried frown upon my brow. Kath leen was doing the accounts at the table. “ Kathleen,’ I said, “it's Veronica’s birthday on Wednesday and——" “What did you.say seven eighths were?" said Kathleen. “ last week.”’ “IT can’t possibly carry complicated calculations in my head from week to week,” I said; “ you should have made a note of it at the time. It's Veronica's birthday on Wednesday, and what do you think she wants?” But Kathleen was greengrocer’s book. I asked you enthralled by the “Have we really had eight cabbages this week?” she said, ‘ We must, | suppose. Green- grocers are generally near to nature. shut up her books, saying, dear?” I sighed, cleared my throat and began again, ‘It’s Veronica's birthday on Wednesday, and what do you think she wants ? She wants,” I said dramatie- ally, ‘a ‘frush’ from the bird-shop in the village. The ones that hang in cages outside the door.” “Well,” said Kathleen, “why not?” “Why not?” I became more than serious. ‘A daughter of ours has de- manded for a plaything a caged bird. Psychologically it is an important oe casion. Now or never must she learn to look upon a caged bird with horror. What I am thinking of is the psycho- logical effect upon the child's character. The psychological is * You needn't worry about Veronica's psychology,” said Kathleen. ‘ Veron- ica’s psychology is in the right place.” “ You misunderstand the meaning of the word,” I said loftily. ‘ Llowever, if you wish to wash your hands of Veronica’s training, if you refuse to cope with your own child, 1 must take it upon myself.” * Do,” said Kathleen sweetly ; listen.” honest ; they live Well, now,” she ‘“‘what were you sO “Tl It was Veronica's birthday. We were outside the bird-shop. The thrushes in cages hung around the doo: Veronica lifted grave blue eyes to me trustingly. “You promised me a frush, darlin’,”’ she said. Veronica is small for her name and |terms of endearment into her conver- sation, * You didn’t quite understand me," I said gently. “I said ['d think aboutit. “Yes, but that means promising, | doesn't it? Finking about it means pro- |mising. I fought you meant promising evn Be: ih MAAN RD Oa hs

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j Darlin’. The last word was a sentence | present, and we ‘Il all free come up here and the voices from behind, | all by itself, lund let it out—always an’ always an'|“ Must we wait until this gentleman Kathleen raised her eyebrows when | for ever an’ ever—right up till I’m a has ascertained his mind?” we came out with the bird in the cage. | hundred.” - * This isn’t quite the moment,” I said} “ Why stop at a hundred?” I mur- | with dignity; “it’s best to let her get | mured, recovering myself with an effort. Avaust 4, 1920.) e Daten My ty — as, ae ’ ; ° —— The Colonel, “ ANYONE MAY MISS THE TIDE OR GET STUCK UPON A MUD-BANK;} BUT TO LOSE THB MATCHES AND FORGET THE WHISKY I8 TO PROVE YOURSELF UNWORTHY OF THE NAMK OF * YACHTSMAN “Well, where do you want to book to?” The trains that stop at Down Street 6 (Sing willow-waly-O !) it first and realise afterwards.” But | could not escape Kathleen's eye. | ,, ) , : They run through Hyde Park Corner * Let's all go to Crown Hill now,’} “ | hope you feel small,” it said. | fast t] ° » . 3 . ° WS las as ney Can LO, said Veronica in a voice that admitted; I did. ere And trains at Hyde Park Corner that ] ] | | RHYMES OF THE UNDERCROUND. stop—(Oh dearie me!) I of no denial. ; ' ; : Ol aii ae re Contrariwise at Down Street are “ non- | C ere Oo rOW . ero a | * | 1 he f R “ver S: stop" as can be had hugged the cage to her small bosom I never heard of Ruislip, I never saw all the way, making little reassuring fa r 1, ew: i had There’s a man at Down Street Station | noises to its occupant. | ti mierground advertisements ha bu cosne these weliie ago brought it into fame; . . j atin. x To get to Hyde Park Corner—(Sing willow-waly-O !) “ Now,’ said Kathleen, “ hadn't you | better begin? Isn't this the psycho—| I've never been to Ruislip, I never yet you know what moment ?” i, have heard . And, as the trains go past him, ‘tis [ took a deep breath and began. The true pronunciation of ¢o singular a pitiful to see “Veronica,” ] said, “listen to me fora word, | Him beat his breast and murmur, “Oh aS pet soe or a dittle bird. ‘Sh ['d like to. go to Ruislip; I'd hike to dearie, dearie me!" ub She Wasn t listening to ine. She} feast mv eves SSS rac held up the little wooden cage, On “scenes ol svivan he auty that the “The Rev RS has accepted the po t opened the clasp of the door and, with onters advertise of librarian of Pussy House, Oxford.” a rapt smile on her small shining face, But, though I long to view the spot Local Pape was watching the “frush”’ as he soared while I am in the dark And will soon get to work on the eat into the air with a sudden burst of song.| ypoor i 5 A OUT its name I dare not face the | alogue. pueseeummn cmemerere:s We none of us spoke till he had van- : , booking-office clerk “Wantep—a middle-aged Witty Indian to ished from sight. Then Veronica broke | read Bengali religious books and capable of the silence, | Suppose I ventured “ Riz lip” and in| telling witty and fairy tales from 12 to 3 p.m,” “It's all my very own plan,” she said | answer to his “ Bh? Indian Paper, proudly. “ I planned it all by myself, | Stammered “ Ruse-lip, Rise-lip, Rees-| This might suit Mr. Ganpm. If not An’ all my birfdays I'm going to have! lip,” just imagine how he‘d say, witty, he is very good at fairy-tales. a ae 2 vs mre

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we 2 re en no ems aina niente NNN CN CLT CL ALOE ONC 96 PUNCH, | — re LA a tn a me en CRE ES Na | Yet now | said it all—in two halves, VADE MECUMS. it is true, and in two different shops; I HAVE invented a new sort of|but still I said it all. The first half | patience. It is called Vade Mecums.|cost me three front teeth, which fell | The rules are quite simple and all the| out while the outraged carrossver was plant you need for it isa‘* Vade Mecum” |ejecting me, the second cost me a traveller's handbook and a complete| large sum of money, because somehow ignorance of all languages but your|or other | found I had bought the own. Get one of these fascinating | vehicle in question. This I fancy must little classics, a passport and a single| have been occasioned by my turning to Boulogne, and you can begin at| over two pages at once, so that I sup- | once. pose I really said, ‘“‘ Mr. X., you are an The game consists in firing off (in| honest man; I will give you ten thou- the local lingo) every single phrase that | sand francs, but on condition that you occurs in the book. The only other | furnish splinter-bars and traces also for | rule in the game is that the oceasion | that price.” for making each remark must be rea-} Stillone must pay for one’s pleasures, sonably apposite. You need not keep|and once en route | made short work to the order in the book and no points | of the “ What-may-happen-on-the road” are awarded for pronunciation, provided | section. The sentence from which I that the party addressed shows by word | ant icipated most trouble was this: or deed that he (or she) has understood | * Postilion, stop. you. By way of illustration I will give | wheels is broken ; some account of my first experiments | is undone; | in this enthralling pastime. one of the horses’ shoes is come off.” As it happened I was able to start at | I got out all this (without having to | once—too soon, in fact, to be altogether | tell a lie too) and was just looking | comfortable. We had _ scarcely put | feverishly through the book to find | out from Folkestone before I got my | phrases to describe the ricketty state of chance. The sea was distinctly rough,|every other part of the vehicle when | but I just had time to open my Vadejthe off hind-wheel came in half, the Mecum at page 228 (sub-heading, “On| front axle snapped and the carriage | embarking and what happens at sea’’), rolled over on its side stone dead. and to read to a passing French} When I came to myself I found that I} | steward the first sentence that caught | was comfortably seated in a ditch, my | my eye. It was as follows: “The wind | driver beside me and my Vade Mecum is very violent; the sea is very rough ;|still open in my hand; so I had the | the waves are very high; the rolling of | gratification of being able to continue | the vessel makes my head ache; I amj|the conversation where I had left off. | very much inclined to be sick.” |«« We should do well,” I read, “to get After that 1 made no more progress | out.” | till we reached Boulogne; but from| ‘I willnot detain you long overtheditti the steward’s subsequent actions I | culties that I had with the “ Society ”’ But I feel I ought to mention judged that he had understood ; so 1 | section. | the business of the Countess, if only to was one up. _My Vade Mecum, like most of its} put intending players on their guard | kind, was unfortunately compiled many | There is a puzzling phrase which occurs | years ago and had never been brought|in answer to the observation, “ Pray | up to date. This, of course, saved me|come nearer the fire: I am sure vou | the expense of having to hire aero | planes or even motor-cars, but it landed A spoke of one of the some of the harness a spring is also broken and | must be cold.”” The proper answer is, | ‘No, I thank you. I am very well placed me in quite a number of difficulties at | here beside the Countess.” It took me the opposite extreme, as you will see. |a month to find a Countess, two to For instance, in order to polish off| meet her in the drawing-room of a | the heading, “ Of what may happen on | mutual friend, and four to recover from | the road,” I was compelled to obtain a} the hole which the irascible little Count | carriage. Judge then my joy when, on| made in me when we met next morning | reaching a carriage builder's, I dis- | on the field of honour. : | covered a whole section tucked away | in a corner of the book dealing exclu- | So I pass sadly and with tears of sively with that very topic. I can| chagrin to my ultimate defeat. 1 met my Waterloo, my friends, in the section think of no other conceivable circum- | labelled“ The Tailor.” Requests within stances under which I could have said,| reason I can comply with, for the fun “The wheels are in a miserable state;|of the thing. Eatables and drinks the body is too heavy; the springs are| suites of rooms and carriages, when too light ; the shafts are too short ; the| ordered on the lavish scale of my Vade pole is too thin ; the shape is altogether| Mecum, are not exactly cheap now-a- old-fashioned, and the seats are both|days. But it’s about the limit when OR THE LONDON CHARI een litasincoeiaiepeigeatl VARL [Avousr 4, 1920, SR TS AAA TASES AEE the savings of a lifetime in ordering several suits of clothes at once. And yet there it was as large as life, the accursed sentence that made me shut the book with asnap and come home:— ‘These coats fit me well, though the cut is not fashionable. I shall require also three pairs of trousers, three nan. keen pantaloons and four waistcoats,” If anyone feels inclined to try my patience—and theirs—I should like to mention that I have a nice annotated Mecum and a good second-hand earri- age for disposal at a very moderate figure. A VICTIM OF FASHION, LikE everybody else that one knows, | Kidger is an ex-service man. During | the last year of That war on the Con- tinent some time ago he had the acting | rank of captain, as second in command | of a six-mangle army laundry. When I knew him in pre-war days | he was an amiable character, with only two serious weaknesses. One of these | was an exaggerated fastidiousness about | clothes, and the other an undue defer- | ence to the dicta of the Press. A leader | in The Tailor and Cutter would make | him thoughtful for days. This fatal} concern about clothing amounted to a | mania where neckwear was concerned. | In pre-war days he wore the ordinary single, perpendicular variety of collar, | with sharp turn-over points, starched | and white to match his shirts. Before leaving England to join his} laundry, Kidger, with a magnificent gesture, abandoned his fine collection | of collars to his aunt, bidding her con- | vert them to some patriotic end. The} fond lady, however, fearing lest any- thing should befall her nephew if a hot sector of the line moved up to the laundry, preserved them carefully, and | Kidger was very glad to reclaim them | on his demobilisation. Oneunfortunateday Kidger’s morning paper contained one of those }'ashions for Men columns, where he learned that the best people were wearing only soft collars, as they couldn't stand being cooped up in starch after the freedom of uniform. Kidger felt that as an ex- army man it was up to him to maintain any military tradition, and he immedi- ately bought several dozen soft white collars with long sharp points. The fel- low in the shop said they were correct. A week later another expert men- tioned in print that no man who had any self-respect wore collars with sharp corners. Kidger is not a manual worker. He reduced his cigarette allowance and bought some round-cornered ones, white as before. And then his aunt | high and uncomfortable.” one’s Mecum expects one to squander directed the poor fellow's attention to wae Perens aE Ee ELT ENS APART My ¢ ‘ Lo at a el PRI Lh, Dare, leguaneiere a eck ah oo 2h te oe

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10 el- 2n-

2 PRT 85 Sy oEeN eee oe RR RRR

——_— Aveust 4, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARL.

Si

OO AOC a ay : SiR ca habe - ina all kinds | ance, himself “ The ( olonel, whieh stated | of pe ple were wearing oamenas shirts | | that none but the profiteer was wearing and sie s, the man who desired to! | white collars, and that you might know | retain or achieve that touch of dis- | the man who had done his bit by the| tinction which means so much must} | fact that he wore a blue one with at any cost wear white ones ; and that, | slightly rounded corners, accompanied | further, Society was frowning on the by a self-coloured tie of a darker shade,| slovenly unstarched neck-wear tied in a neat butterfly bow. This was a blow to Kidger, but he resigned from his golf club and laid in some haberdashery in aceordance with | “The Colonel’s”’ orders. Recommend- | word. ] relapsed temporary gentleman. Kidger began to show signs of neur- | asthenia. His stock of pre-war collars was exhausted, or rather eroded. His| | faithful aunt, however, remembered a} and him a| | | of the | } | ations would be too mild a neglected birthday gave saw the paragraph—most peremptory. dozen new ones, of the a paleo But in a rival paper “ Brigadier’ mene to save Kidger’s delicate neck. mentioned o nly three days later that | These, with his nice butterfly-bow ties, none but the most noxious bounder and tout would be found dead in a blue collar with a white shirt. Kidger saw looked re aie well, and Kidger recovered | | the truth of this at once; he had re | } | his old form. I warned him to keep to the police and Parliamentary news in the papers, ceptivity if not intuition, After a try- | but his eyes would wander. The result ing interview with his banker he bought was that he learned from “ Brigade several blue shirts. Major ” that the wearing of a butterfly Then the General who contributes | bow with a double event collar was a “Sartorial Tips” to several leading! solecism past forgiveness or repent-

and that its smart appearance was the deadly bait which caught the miserable bumpkin who ignorantly fancied that a man could dress by the light of nature. Kidger collapsed. His aunt volun- teered to sell her annuity and help him, but the innate nobility of the man forbade him to accept this sacrifice, His medical attendant tells me that he is now allowed to read only poetry, wearing a& swea meanwhile, and that arrangements are being made for him to join a sheep-farming cousir in Patagonia, ter W.K.H. A fieeiaiiiaies Annduneueind ‘The Government have found it impossible to proceed with the Government of Ireland before the Autumn Session.”-— Daily Paper.

“Clerk (Junior) Wanted for Spinners’ Office, 1617. ~— Yorkshire Paper. take it age « Junior,” we , 18 & misprint. useless | where collars are despised | and newspapers dernier: out of date. |

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a See Sane Ht W it ven ee eea«~,; | anium leaf, 98 PUN( ‘H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. EDWARD AND THE B.O.F. Ir was the first Sunday of the season, and the select end of Folkesbourne revealed in each carefully curled ger- in each carefully-combed blade of grass, the thought and labour expended by the B.O.F. (Borough of Folkesbourne). Upon the greensward stood orderly rows of well-washed chairs, each with B.0.F. neatly stencilled upon its back. On this day, however, and at this hour (12.30 p.m.) scarce a B.O.F. was visible ; each was hidden by a well-dressed visitor. And between the orderly rows of well-dressed visitors paraded or- derly pairs of superbly- dressed visitors. I was standing at the corner by the steps leading to the lower parade and thence to the beach and the rocks where the common peo- ple (myself on week- days, for instance) go to paddle with their children. I was wear- ing my new pale - grey suit which cost — but you will know more or less what it cost; I need not labour an unpleas- ant subject—and I was actually talking at the time to a member of the B.O.F. “This is last,” he was saying ; “the place res ally be- gins to look— Peace at exerting authority and restoring dis- cipline.. Edw ard turned at the sound of a stern voice. Possibly he might have put out his tongue—you never know with Edward. But, what was worse, far worse, he saw me. With a glad cry of “ Daddy” he rushed to me and, regard- lless of the fact that his front was covered with green slime, the result of going ventre d pierre over the rocks, he tlung his arms round my legs. I would gladly have sunk into the ground, All eyes were upon us, and remained, as I felt, upon me, even when a breathless nursery-maid had retrieved Edward and borne him seawards once more. NEO-TOPICS. THERE Was a young neo-DELANE Whose writing was frequently sane; But the name of Lioyp Grorge So uplifted his gorge That it threatened to swallow his brain, There was an adored neo-Queen Who ruled the whole world on the screen ; She simply knocked spots Off poor Mary or Scors, But she doubled the Dean. gloom of our There was an advanced neo-Georgian, Or perhaps we should say Georgy. Porgian, When asked to de- clare What his principles were, Heinvariably answered, * Pro- Borgian.” There was a great neo- Art critic Whose style was ex- tremely mephitic; And C&zANNE asdead dog, And Joun parasitic, Our Bloated Pluralists. “ Wanted, Organist. Small country church. Salary £20 Good lodgings. (Could be held with post Manor Farm ; permanent work ; Sundays free salary.) "—Church Tomes. It was at this mo- Mother. “It 18 VERY NAUGHTY TO TELL UNTRUTHS, Kitty. THosE WHO DO _ 2 : S80 NEVER GI ro Heaven.” “The Grimsby trawler ment that Edward ap- Sttneten thas toueneee r a ; Kitty. “Dipn'? you EVER TELL AN UNTRUTH, Mummy?” a 20 : peared. His route was neath Sa 4 e ze , George Grahame, Minister : iotner, ** NO, D t VER. “ the very centre of the ; cee ae ees Plenipotentiary in Paris, tee ? it nt Auify. “ WELL, YOU LL BE FEARFULLY LONELY, WON'T YOU, WITH ONLY to be his Majesty's Ambas lawn. He was wearing| Gronce Wasuixcton ?” ee eee a battered Panama hat, . Plonigotenti ry to the King a much-darned brownish jersey, and| One espec lally I had noticed, a ver y of the Belgians.”—Provincial Paper. ig ay . — ee | his nether man — or rather boy, for superbly dressed female visitor who had We really think the Government might Edward's years are but four — was} paused to witness the whole scene and f encased in paddling drawers made the same material as a sponge - bag Black sand-shoes completed his outfit and a broken shrimping-net trailed behind him, At the moment when Edward first caught my horritied eye a particularly well- groomed young gent le man of about his own caught Edward's eye in turn. Edward paused to survey this silken wonder with in- terest. Then, as if prompted thereto by the sight, he snatched off his hat and, casting it upon the ground, kicked it vigorously across the grass. The removal of the ‘hat was the last straw, for Edward's hairis provocatively red. My friend of the B.O.F. advanced | ‘ towards him with the intention of age g.| dreaded the comment which was now resuming her eee I felt I should overhear as she ae me— “ What a horrible child!” it would be at | the very least. But womenare str: ungely | unaccountable, even in so high ly civi- lised an atmosphere as this. T dis- tinctly heard her say,‘ What a darling!” The Horrors of Peace. “ WANTED | years old.” Boy for Butchering, Local Paper. Extract from a solicitor’s letter : “The sale of the above premises is now nearing completion and we expect to have the nveyance ready for execution in the course of a short period the length of which depends to some extent upon how soon we can obtain the execution of the Bishop.” about 15 ( have provided him with a torpedo-boat. “ The one thing which the Cabinet does not intend to do is to authorise the proclamation of marital law. It would engage far too many troops."—Provincial Paper. The Irish girls a are so attractive. “A friend of mine bought from a bookseller who was also, oddly enough, a bibliophile = self, a copy of Arnold's very rare book, Strayed Revetter, by A. He gave 6d, worth £5."—Book Post. Surely more than that! ne 13 “An Siiatiteeembiies pushed its bonnet through the window of a millinery shop.” Daily Paper. This intelligent animal (believed to be the female “of the Brontosaurus) was probably seeking a change of headgear. [Auaust 4, 1990, He treated van Goan | | as a growth of Milker on | ; ample | een xe ‘ ' : i H }

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ear. ENRON So NEN i tage atte RR YG Aan is om Sts = = = ‘ PUNCH, OR ' Aveust 4, 1920.] Cen Tripper. “1’Ve A BLOOMIN’ GOOD MIND TO REPORT YOU FOR PROFITEERING.” Old Salt, “Wuat YER TALKIN’ anouT?” Tripper, “ WELL, THEM SHRIMPS I BOUGHT OFF YOU. ONE OF EM’S GOT ONLY ONE EYE.” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) A much misunderstood man is Count Bernstorrr, for- | were all supposing him to be a bomb-laden conspirator, [ ratHerR wish that the publishers of Jnvineible Minnie | pulling secret strings in Mexico or Canada or Japan from (Hopper AND StoucnTon) had not permitted themselves to| the safe protection afforded to his embassy, really he was print upon the wrapper either their own comments or those | the most innocent of men, anxious for nothing but to keep of Miss ExisanetH Sanxay Honpina, the author. Because | unsophisticated America from being trapped by the wiles of for my part, reading these, I formed the idea (entirely | the villain Britisher. One has it all on the best of authority wrong) that the book would be in some way pretentious | —his own—in My Three Years in America (QSKEFFINGTON),. and affected; whereas it is the simple truth to call it the| Of course awkward incidents did occur, which have to be most mercilessly impersonal piece of fiction that I think I | explained away or placidly ignored, but really, if the war- ever read. There is far too much plot for me to give you} lords at home had not been so invincibly tactless in the | any but a suggestion of it. The story is of the lives of two | matter of drowning citizens of the United States, this simple sisters, I’rances and Minnie; mostly (as the title implies) of | and ingenuous diplomat might very well have succeeded, Minnie. To say that no one but a woman would neve he would have us believe, in persuading President WiLson dared to imagine such a.heroine, much less to follow her,| to declare in favour of a peace-loving All-Highest. As an through every phase of increasing hatefulness, to her horrid | essay in special pleading the book does not lack ingenuity, conclusion is to state an obvious truism, It is incidentally | and as an example of the familiar belief that other peoples also to give you some idea of the kind of person Minnie | will shut their eyes and swallow whatever opinions the is, that female Moloch, devastating, all-sacrificing, beyond | Teuton thinks good to offer them, it may have interest for restraint... As for Miss Honprna, the publishers turned | the psychologist. For the rest it is a very prosy piece of out to be within the mark in claiming for her ‘a new voice.” | literature, only saved occasionally in its dulness by the un- I don’t, indeed, for the moment recall any voice in the least | conscious crudity of the hatreds lurking beneath its mask like it, or any such method; too honest for irony, too de-| of plausibility. One of these hatreds is clearly directed tached for sentiment and, as I said above, entirely merciless. | against Ambassador Grrarp, to whose well-known book Towards the end | found myself falling back on the old fright-| this volume is in some sort a counter-blast. Neither a ened protest, ‘‘ People don't do these things.” I still cling | historian seeking truth nor a plain reader seeking recrea- to this belief, but the fact remains that Miss Horpina has a| tion will have any difliculty in choosing between them. haunting trick of persuading one that they might, Minor faults, such as an irritating idiom and some carelessness of| Mr. D. A. Barker, in J’he Great Leviathan (Lane), doesn’t form, she will no doubt correct; meanwhile you have cer-| merely leave you to make the obvious remark about his tainly got to read—* to suffer” would be the apter word— | having taken Mr. H. G. Wexus’s loose, tangential and, for this remarkable book, whose reception I await with curiosity. |a beginner, extraordinarily dangerous method as a model, HARIVARI. 99 | | i |merly German Ambassador at Washington. While we |

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100 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 4, 1999, ———_. but rubs it in (stout fellow!) by transplanting his hero to India, seemingly in order to have excuse for writing a passage which one would say was obviously inspired by that gorgeous description of the jungle in The Research Maq- nificent. Mr. Barker has enough matter for two (or three) novels and enough skill in portraiture to make them more coherent and plausible than this. The theme is old but freshly seen. Tom Seton, resolved to avoid risking for his beloved the unhappiness which his mother had found in the bondage of marriage, offers her—indeed imposes on her—a free union. How the pressure of The Great Levia- than (Mrs. Grundy—well, that’s not perhaps quite the who believe in telling you all about their characters and leaving you to pass judgment on them yourself, without expert assistance. It is a fine impartial method which succeeds in representing life and the indecisiveness of human nature very well; but such books somehow lack the glow of more partisan writings. In A Mouse with Wings (Conuins) she tells the story of a woman's lile from the time of her engagement until her son is a young man and she herself married again. Olga is a splendid creature, but, as Miss Lesnie cleverly lets you see for yourself, the belief in her own principles and their application, which is ithe essence of her character, alienates her husband and anc anne whole of the idea, but it will serve) drove her into the | makes something like a ninny of Arnold, herson. A Monse shelter of a formal marriage with a devoted don, I leave | with Wings is not only the sobriquet of Beryl, the cheerful you to gather. I don’t think the author quite succeeds in | young Suffragette whom he loves, but has its application also making Mary’s defection inevitable, nor do I see the signi-|to poor Arnold, who finds the courage to face life and a way ficance of the apparently quite irrelevant background of| out of it fighting in France. It is a nicely-written book | Indian philosophy and intrigue. But here's a well-written! with a little air of distinction, but, in case anyone should book, with sound posi- tive qualities outweigh- | ing the defects of inex- | perience. Captain Atan Bort (*Contact.’’) has a liter- ary gift of a high order, | the gift of getting the very last thrill out of his experiences while telling his tale in the simplest and most straightforward way. In Eastern Nights (Buackwoop) he de- scribes his adventures as a prisoner of the Turks, first in Damas- eus and Asia Minor and finally in Constan- tinople. The narrative, which is purely one of blame me foi hushing it up, I ought to men- “+ \ tion that both O/qa and Beryl would probably have admired Arnold a great deal m had he ‘found himself’ by way of Conscientious Objection re Lean testify that Mr. Zane Grey's The Man of the Forest (Hopper AND SrouGHTon) is a yarn told with con- siderable zest and with just that undercurrent of sentiment which sweeps large portions of the British public completely off its feet In this book the hero- th action, the action being supplied by the efforts, finally suecessful, of the author and various bro- ther-officers to escape from their most un- Ju Down Tlostess (fo hel CHOP-STICKS husband just Joux. You’ve spor ATMOSPHERE IN OUR RIVER BUNGALOWS. arrived from Town). “You've THE ine, Helen Rayner, and: her sister, Bo, leave Mis souri for their unele’s ranch in New Mexico; but before they reach their destination many and wonderful adven- FORGOTTEN THE PARTY!” attractive captivity, nevertheless offers a most vivid picture of the social fabric of the Near East and in particular of the attitude of the mélange of Oriental peoples that comprised the Turkish Empire towards the War in which they found themselves taking part, most of them with reluctance and all inefficiently. Apathy rather than calculated brutality was chiefly responsible for the hardships suffered by the prisoners of war of all nations who were unfortunate enough | From the point of view of an! to fall into Turkish hands. officer determined to escape, however, the prevalence of this quality was not without its advantage, officials (Turks and Germans excepted) with whom Borr and his fellow-oflicers had to do were heart and ready enough to assist an escaping prisoner if they did not happen to be too timid. And even the Turk was amenable on occasion to baksheesh. most fascinating book, Eastern Ni: Captain pro-Ally at Most of the! tures befall them. To escape from being kidnapped by some superb scoundrels they were hustled off to Mi/t Dale's home in the forest, and there they had for a long time to remain. Milt was one of nature's gentlemen, but as his boon companion was a cougar (whose uninviting picture is to be seen upon the paper cover), this forest home had its slight inconveniences. Mr. Grey, however, writes of it so admirably that he almost persuades me to be a camper-out, provided always that I may live in a cavern and not in a caravan. Cowboys, bandits, Mormons and other vigorous characters keep things moving at a terrific pace. But stir- ringly full of incident as this tale is, Mr. Grey never forgets that it is love that really makes the world go round. He is in short a born storyteller, with a style by no means to be despised, and I see no reason why his popularity should not , | : ival i kshees| Altogether a} continue to wax here, and ultimately to rival its American jhts is likely to win wide | magnitude. : {3 $ e on rn rr appreciation not alone for its literary merit but as a stirring | . - : S| reeord of the courage and resource, under desperate and | ) Another Geddes Promotion. trying conditions, of the Empire's soldiers. “Among celebrities who will watch British seamanship matched against American are Franklin D, Roosevelt, Assistant Secretary of the Navy, and Sir Auckland Geddes, British Admiral to the United States.”—Canadian Paper. Miss Henrverra Leste helongs to the school of novel ists

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mene

noble ES: Serie F we :

ee | «if the Government has effected much | most wanted at the moment is that the | Government should land on Ireland. | which are | | will be undertaken as | } soon as the property | | | WolfCubs at Olympia, | declared | a very tame affair for | | |

Avevust 11, 1920.) PUNCH, OR

THE LONDON CHARIVARL, 101

CHARIVARIA. «We doubt,” says a contemporary, by refusing to let Dr. Manntx land on Irish shores.” We agree. What is We feel that the time is now ripe for somebody to pop up with the sugges-

tion that the wet summer has been caused by the shooting in Belfast. Manchester City Council has de- cided to purchase the famous Free Trade Hall for the sum of ninety | thousand pounds. A thorough search | for the Sacred Principles of Liberalism, | said to be concealed some- | satisfaction should spread, Mr. Cuvr- children should be registered, Govern- ment officials point out that the ex- pense would certainly be out of all pro- portion to the advantage obtained, in view of the prevailing high prices of jam There is just this one consolation about the weather of late. So far the Government have not placed a tax on rain. ‘Soldiers are verv dissatisfied with the way in which ex-service men are now being treated,” states a Sunday paper. We understand that, if this dis- CHILL may call upon the Army to resign

After exhaustive experiments Signor owing to the failure of the Registrar to appear. It was not until the best man, who denied having mislaid the Registrar, had been thoroughly searched that the ceremony was abandoned. A burglar accused of stealing sixteen volumes of classical poetry was sen- tenced to a month’s imprisonment. The defence that he insane was evi- dently ignored. was The Westminster magistrate, the other day, described a prisoner as “a very clever thief.” It is said that the fellow intends printing this testimonial on his letter-paper. A man knocked down by a racing motorist in New York is reported to

whereinthebasement, | changes hands.

There is no truth| in the report that |, Mr. Luoyp GEORGE, | after listening to the grand howl of the} that it was anyone used to listen-

6X

have had both legs and an arm fractured, oT aye * ; A \several ribs broken, that and other injuries. Motorists in this country incline to the theory that it was the work of an amateur. \ Swiss guide re- cently discovered »a chamois within sixty feet of the summit of the Jungfrau. Only

ing to Mr. Drevin. RE SAP is RO PR RCo on receiving the most Soa = explicit assurance that “Kangaroos and = = the Fourth Inter- | Wallabies,” says a - —— = nationale would not be Colonial journalist, | —— held at Grindelwald “are about the only | A — . a consent to resume its tralian sportsman ean | sil = =< proper place in the i chase.’ Members of | (ae i ay: Beads landscape. the M.C.C. team de- | Sigs ata NS setts Mats fn THOSE PEOPLE BE, DONALD, DRESSED |} LIKE TOURISTS | clare that they expect ! diaaliiniloid | According to the to change all that | Marconi has failed to obtain any wire- | conductor of the Southern Syncopated | less message from Mars. Much anxiety | Orchestra the modern fox-trot has been Reports that the gold had been jis being felt by those persons having |evolved from a primitive negro dance | moved from the Bank of Ireland to this country for the sake of safety have caused consternation in Dublin. There always a possibility, the Irish say, that the Sinn Feiners might not lay hands on the stuff, but there isn’t chance in a hundred of it setting past Sir Eric Geppes. Was one | propos of the growing reluctance on the part of railway servants to take tips from holiday-makers, it appears that they are merely following the example set by the higher officials. We have positive information that only a week or so since Sir Ertc Geppes flatly refused to take a tip from The Daily Mail. While approving in principle of the friends or mining shares there. The youngest son of Sir Erxtc GEDDES golf. It is hoped by is mind off thoughts a polit ical caree) is learning to play this plan to keep | of A reader living in Aberdeen informs us that the last batch of Seotech relugees arrived from England last Thursday in an exhausted conditior “Cats are very poor swimmers, “states a writer in a weekly journal. This no doubt accounts for the exceptionally high infantile mortality among these in domestic pets. Last [bstock, Leicestershire, had to be postponed week a wedding at

proposal that the finger-prints of all a after the ceremony had already begun, called «The Blues.’ The theory that the Blues are the logical outcome of a primitive negro dance called the fox-trot is thus exploded A gentleman advertises for an ishand for men who are fed up with taxation. We can only say that Great Britain is just the very place

“Th must be con fe on good dressing.”- some ways the American woman, it can give we English points Mrening Paper. She might now extend her beneficence and include some points on syntax. ssed “The clergy had to work far more than forty-eight hours per day, but their pay was quite inadequate.” —Local Paper. We don’t see how it would be possible to give adequate remuneration for such

a feat.

VOL. CLIX,

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; j ? | N 2 j ( RITISH | a most violent and uncalled-for attack Napotron on Livina | », STATESMEN ;on @ popular favourite Per aps l PATES j } } io : f vi‘ ri b oo reticent } should say one who was popular, 101 Readers of the vivaci ul but t ret | favourites | e their dav. andr al y appearing in The Sunday Time i alas, favourites have t ’ ‘ i me ‘ 1 | may have noticed that the narrative is now } + ¢hi ++ k wa + ¢ ien al I ; e me | knew that he was conceal opul little p) t 1" { ‘ thn BET ead ga hiliel dows Sometimes they were urse. if people who live in a brand n: : is ‘4 very flattering Here one, written Ww i-t} vill ( se be nvile , Ne ef = . @ Dit by VIsSh hand ( it Prince at Dorothy into the oarce on ean t “a | . the Blood expect ner to look ‘ best hut Liter 1} , , Stella | My beautifu ther ? one like i ‘ re s oniy that NEUISHING + i } £- , there = cm, oe — rh want me to marr he daughter of a | Gray who can stand such a trial as that, | royal house, | f vill say “Yes? L wil i and perhaps t tout Frau Drusehki defy then We will be marned by the Arch ‘She, por thing 3 quite out of favowm i! h who marr and bur eautifull | ' but | shall neve need burvir because those } just now ardiy mentioned in polite se agp W Tie Lat ou ever dle | ’ |} society Quite under a cloud; in fact] ,, | ae rm . | Poor boy, I had to send him a nega }a greeting from Teplitz is the only 102 PUNCH, OR IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY. | MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY. Prot CARLYLE BISMARCK Disrarti—A New Brownina Porm | WAR pre tly pained to read, the ISALS | | é | other day, in one of our leading dailies | |

Now William Allen tive by the fifteenth groom in the third | phaeton, drawn bv a pau chestnuts which another of my one she gets Richardson name, if (there's a ridiculous long j Loa I suc you hke!) was saying only] ag on ‘ “ } 17} Cesstul adorers yesterday how grateful we should all} ‘ at BLO! feel to dear Dorothy, to mind the weather had given me. I noticed that when the square the che got baek to Gros venol who never SECTS : and cheers us up tnuts had turned to when all else fails.” “I must say don’t feel quite sure of William's sin-| The Sage of Chelsea. cerity, he is so very changeable, vou | know, and does pyar VS. THOMAS CARLYLE really care to be | trotting in seen in Dorothy's company iCheyne Row Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messimé | on was quite hanging her head about it loved to have me out of his not house in and and we had endless talks the desirability of ‘Yon Meg he he re silence

wee used to SaVv, Tol wll “7 live in harmony with all my | fused to eall me ' Maryot,”’ declaring it j neighbours, she simpered “Ah, ve | wa a Fre nehified name “yon wee | flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing | Meg is the cleverest girl in Scotland } manner of hers, “that’s verv easv toland the wittiest | do for colourl peopl At this 1 remember once that Ruskin was Caroline Testout turned quite pale andi there too, and we had a little breeze stuttered, ti Well. Dorothy (0O« W hat do vou 80, “ Hush think of the paintings of TURNER ? | MARGot / scream Ruskin ( patronisingly) hush, mv children,” said } the deep voice of the venerable Marshal Niel. He bores me Though vellow with extreme ol

d Ruskin (drawing in a long breath) age the old gentleman bore himself! Bores you? x P } . 1 ; . . proudly and his adress Wias Liossy ana Manrcot (with a slow smile) He pro clean We all have ow place in the| bably bores you too, only vou daren’t world. Let carping crities ae they please, say what! admit it vhether it is Dorothy in What would have happened I cannot had old CARLYLE showy American | offered me a draw of his pipe, while re our well-beloved Scotch rela- | marking laughingly, “ She's a wonder, they are|is Meg; she'll lead the world yet. ‘Hear,} One day he asked me what | thought murmured the other roses. fof his writing her gay gown or Liberty in her revolu | } | | tionary weal Imagine not dear our COUSINS, tions, or our Persian guests ali weleome, all beautiful.” | hear ! ‘ THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. lidentity, of dashing | Avaust 11, 1990, M ARGO loo jerky and over harged, CARLYLE nprove (Qwincing). | What must try to Is YOu! theory of au- thorship ? Maroor. I think one that everything that happen self must be interesting to hould assume | Lo one. | others CARLYLE (as though stag Why? Marco (simply) i wred hy a new idea) ‘ oneself is | > OCA SO precious, sO unique | asked him once what he really} ithought of Mr CARLY but he | changed the subject | Bismarck. It was in Berlin, when I wa evens | iteen, that I met Bismarck. It was at | the Opera, where, being a youn; inglish | girl, | was in the habit of going alone. | The great Chancellor, who was all un- | | CONSE ious that | had peneti ited his | while | ook me | watched me for a | between the Acts and then ov jon my way home and in French asked | ine to supper. | , > i Maraor (also in rene! But | am} not hungry. } SI ould always 2 Bismarck. In Germany vy: do as the Germans do and ea (with emipiasis) I do Manrcor (scathingly lw are aware that [am KBogh BisMARCK ung I could not catch about Bngland lyng | nderil you j (muttering omet crushed at his feet). But you are beau | tiful too! Some day you ill be a] }countrywoman of mine. Maroeor. How ? Bismarck. Beeause we shall make war on England and conquer it, and } it will then be our own and all of you will be our people and our slaves. At least we should conquer it Maroor. If what ? Bismarck. If it were not for a young | man who will then be Prime Minister. | It is of him we are afraid Marocor. What is his name? | Bismarck. AsQuirH Could prescience further go? Bis- MARCK then left me with another un- gainly effort at French ‘Anu revou, Vademoiselle.” But we never met | I was with Disragnii (who was one and he me many although he knew all about my friendship with GLADSTONE. me) not long before the end pave confidences the camps. me to repeat my last conver sation with Dizzy word for word Maroaor. You dance for you ? tired. Shall ] look

(Continued on page 104). again | P Disracli’s Last Days. of the few men who did not propose to | <A ayumdanceeest rs But then I have always | chosen my friends impartially from all My exact memory enables }

~ + SMe eRepURENRSRUNRREOIE in SS Sit idiecerwn:onad Wheel Ste AObainy Bit © yeu oer So: ot

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Pe eee renner il ORR nn 1920 ssf 11, AGI LONDON CHARIVARI.— PUNCH. OR THE ren SAA aN Say . S c\ A 4 \ ~~ wie. eh =x 5 5 » : NY \ AQT ? OS 177) " ve . ae ‘ N ' WY . - Miri q WY ty N \\ \\ % us SZ Wy NW ‘\ © A ; - , Ys NY \\ { ; Aa (= i MUSIC. tEAL THE | “I WISH THEY'D LET ME HEAR LADY.” THE Joun Be iu.

Page 150

| _ 1 | IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY. I was greatly pained to read, the other day, in one of our leading dailies | a most violent and uncalled-for attack | on a popular favourite. Perhaps | should say one who twas popular, for, alas, favourites have their day, and no | doubt this attack was but to demolish PUNCH, OR THE LONI the reputation of the setting star an Still ait eriti enhance that of a rising one. unnecessarily churlish; 1t only he plexion, the exuberance of hei presence, | but her very name was held up to ridi- cule, the fault surely of her god-parents There not unnaturally, quite a sensation in her circle over this attack Papa Gontier and Maman Cochet clasped each other's hands in sympathy and said, * What will ps ople say next ol us, a respectable and time | | Was cised not the colour of has been, tenet ee sateamiesnieneniagntttt ALAC CALLA OO on enaceaaniparapersemnngseneean — ~- com- | j best | to be a matter MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY. CARLYLE BISMARCK A New Brownina PorEM on Livinc Bririsu PROPOSALS DisRAELI NAPOLEON STATESMEN. Readers of the vivacious but too reticent serial now appearing in The Sunday Times may have noticed that the narrative Is now and then interrupted by a row of what Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILI versations with Mrs. Asquirm and JOWETI called (to the immense delight of the MasTER oP BaLLion) those dots."" Mr acquired the during one of hi con damned fabulous expense, sh certain of the omitted pas on of which is appended Punch has, at right to publ ALES, A se lect Many Admirers. No sooner was I in my earliest teens the cigarettes, than proposals began and had made up my mind as to of daily occurrence, so | that whenever I saw the fifth footman : lor the third butler stealthily approach- | Tronoured old couple, if they flout pretty | Ph | 1; ;in | g me | knew that he was conceal- ing a dellet dowr, Sometimes they were very flattering Here is one, written in the big boyish hand of a Prince of the Blood : popular little Dorothy Perkins “Of | | course, if people who live in a brand new red-brick villa choose to invite Dorothy into their garden, one can't expect her to look her best: but, after | and perhaps the stout Frau Druschki. just now—hardly mentioned in polite society. Quite under a cloud; in fact @ greeting from Teplitz is the only one she gets.” “Now William Allen Richardson (there's a ridiculous long name, if you like!) was saying only yesterday how grateful we should all feel to dear Dorothy, who never seems to mind the weather and cheers us up when all else fails.’ “I must say | don’t feel quite sure of William’s sin know, and does not really care to be seen in Dorothy's company Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messimé { was quite hanging her head about it all. “J live in harmony with all my neighbours,” she simpered. “ Ah, ves,” \ flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing manner of hers, “that’s very easy to do for colourless people j \t this | Caroline Testout turned quite pale and stuttered, “* Well, Dorothy does scream so.” “ Hush, hush, my children,” said the deep voice of the venerable Marshal 1 Niel. Though yellow with extreme old | i age the old gentleman bore himself proudly and his dress was glossy and clean. “ We all have our place in the world. Let carping crities say what tl they please, whether it is Dorothy in ; her gay gown o1 1. tionary wear, our showy American i cousins, our well-beloved Seoteh rela- tions, or our Persian guests—they are | : all welcome, all beautiful.” “ Hear. | 1 hear!’’ murmured the other roses. i i all, there’s only that languishing Stella |. Gray who can stand such a trial as that, | “She, poor thing, is quite out of fayou . ' cerity, he is so very changeable, you Liberty in her revolu- | | My beautiful, there is no one lke vou marry the daughter of a roval house, but if you will sav “ Yes” T will | def then We will be married by the Arch bishop, who marries and buries so beautifully but I shall never need bury ng because those | who marry you never die. | Poor boy, I 1 iad to send him a nega- | tive by the fifteenth groom in the third |phaeton, drawn by a pair of dashing |chestnuts which another of my unsuc | cessful adorers had given me. that when they { ; Ot I noticed back to Grosvenor Square the chestnuts had turned to ;Rreys. |The Sage of Chelsea, Tuomas CARLYLE loved to have me j trottin and out of his house in | Cheyne Row, and we had endless talks on the desirability “ Yon | wee Meg,” he used to say, lor he re | fused to call me “ Margot,” declaring it jwas a Frenchified g in of silence. hame “yon wee | Meg is the cleverest girl in Scotland land the wittiest.” 1 remembe RusKIN was | there too, and we had a little breeze. | Ruskin ( patronisingly). What do you | think of the paintings of TuRNER? — | Mareor. He bores me. RUSKIN (drawing B . i D ores Vou once that it a long breath). Maroor (with a slow smile). He pro- | bably bores you too, only you daren’t admit it. | What would have happened I cannot imagine had not dear old offered me a draw of his pipe, while re- j marking laughingly, “ She's a wonder, is Meg; she'll lead the world yet.” One day he asked me what I thought lof his writing. | CARLYLE DON . CHARIVARI. | j}me to supper. [Aucust 11, 1990, Mareor. Too jerky and overcharged, CARLYLE (wincing). I must try to improve. What is your theory of an. thorship ? Marcor. I think one should assume that everything that happens to one. self must be interesting to others. | CARLYLE (as though staggered by al new idea). Why ? MARGOT (simply). Because oneself is so precious, so unique. Ll asked him once what he really} thought of Mrs. Cartynr, but he! changed the subject. Bismarck. It was in Berlin, when I was seven. teen, that | met Bismarck. It was at | the Opera, where, being a young English sivl, | was in the habit of going alone. lhe great Chancellor, who was all un- conscious that I had penetrated his identity, watched me for a ng while | hetween the Acts and then overtook me | on my Way home and int Fre nel asked | Maroor (also in Frencl But | am i , j}not hungry. should | Bismarck. In Germany yi do as the Germans do and eat always} (with emphasis) I do. Marcor (scathingly). LT wonder if you are aware that I am Englis! | Bismarck (muttering something I could not catch about England lying | | } | crushed at his feet). But you are beau- | tiful too! Some day you will be a | countrywoman of mine. Maroaor. How ? | Bismarck. Because we shall make | war on England and conquer it, and | it will then be our own and all of you | will be our people and our slaves. At least we should conquer it if Maroor. If what ? Bismarck. If it were not for a young man who will then be Prime Minister. It is of him we are afraid. Marcor. What is his name Bismarck. ASQUITH. Could prescience further go vo? Bis- MARCK then left me with another un- gainly effort at French: ‘“ Au revorr, | Mademoiselle.’ But we never met} again. Disraecli’s Last Days. I was with Disragui (who was one | of the few men who did not propose to me) not long before the end, and he gave me many confidences, although he knew all about my friendship with GLADSTONE. But then I have always | chosen my friends impartially from all the camps. My exact memory enables | me to repeat my last conversation with Dizzy word for word :— Marcor. You look tired. Shall 1) dance for you ? (Continued on page 104). = a _ = —w Pm, ~. Natracare j ! E apes |

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are aes scence nttitanseaninaiialaite NC ceeatiiasiatiane eet tel Cll ene — [303 102 | PUNCH, MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY. PROPOSALS -—— CARLYLE BisMARCK DisraELI—A New BrowninGc Porm NapoLteon on Livina Britisy STATESMEN. IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY. I was greatly pained to read, the other day, in one of out leading dailies | a most violent and unealled-for attack }on a popular favourite. Perhaps I} | should say one who was popular, for, Readers of the vivacious but too reticent | alas, favourites have their day, and | no | serial now appearing in The Sunday Times imay have noticed that the narrative 1s now jand then interrupted by a row of what Lord setting star and | Raxpoipu CHURCHILL, during one of his con Still it | versations with Mrs. AsquirH and JowrrTt ht of the MASTER damned. dots.’* Mr: expense, acquired the h certain of the omitted pas ges, a select n of which 1 appended l enie > lti« > yo -parents. | cule, the fault surely of her god-parent | Many Admirers. | There has been, not unnaturally, | circle over} eee ‘ . an nad Papa Gontier and Maman 9 clasped each other's hands in} | sympathy and said, * What will people | tha say next of ws, a re specti tble and time- | | Honoured old couple, if they flout pre tty | | doubt this attack was but to demolish the reputation of the | enhance that of a rising one. | was unnecessarily churlish; it called (to th i cised not only the colour of her com- bas grsmny - ews ata plexion, the exuberance of her presence, tight { ¥ abli se 89 | but her very name was held up to ridi- | sa immense delig those criti- i No sooner was I in my earliest teens | quite a sensation in her | this attack ; Cochet | made up my mind as to the cigarettes, than proposals began o be a matte of daily occurrence, SO I saw the fifth or the third butler stealthily approach- ling me 1 knew that he { i that whenevel footiman OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARI. | identity se nde’ l. lj | D th P | “° “Of! Was conceal 1) ns * | popular Ittle “a . hive ¢ ’ gatillet d r. pometimes they were rse eo » ive In ¢ reer | cou pes: Po ge i = ; : . . ‘ very flattering Here is one, written i ! > f invi nv , new ret wick ; lia Choose to V ue in the big bovish hand of a Prince of | Dorothy into their garden, one can't) 1), Blood : . Hl 100M expect her to look her best: but, after | j | 1 | oii 1 +} | — | ra lls My beautifu Lhere } no one lke vou. all, there's only that anguishing ¢ OM ARs match ene bn, enaeedi Aan Bandiniee clink Gray who can stand such a trial as that, | royal house, but if you will say “Yes” L will and perhaps the stout Frau Druschki.” | defy them. We will be married by the Arch ‘ j i } wl rear i . aut all, “She, poor thing, is quite out of favour | ®!Shop, Who tha sand buries so beautifully = haat } | ; " } , 2 ; l Shiuaii bever th ed burs ng because thos« just now—hardly mentioned in polite | onves oer society. Quite under a cloud; in fact | EE 7 eet. : : r Dov, bhi to sen } é oa- a greeting from Teplitz is the only|”- ' ce ae ee . pr , 1 rays * |tive by the filteenth g 7 , : one she gets. ‘Now William pa ce eenth groom in the thire |phaeton, drawn by a pair of ichestnuts which another Richardson (there's a ridiculous lon name, if you like!) dashing ig Was Saving oO le | of my unsue- i ay g£ ul p yesterday how grateful we should ‘ail | cessful adorers Rade Grvon me. I noticed feel to dear Dorothy, who never seems | *?8t When they got back to Grosvenon to mind the weather and cheers us ip Square the chestnuts had turned to when all else fails.” “I must say [| 8'CY*: don’t feel quite sure of cerity, he is so very THomas CarLyYLE loved to have me know, and does not really care to be} trotting in and out of seen in Dorothy's company.’ | Cheyne Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messimé | on was quite hanging her head about it \ William Ss sin changeah le, you |The Sage of Chelsea. his house in Row, and we had endless talks the desirability of silence. ‘“ Yon |wee Meg,” he used to say, for he re- all. ‘J live in harmony with all my | fused to call me ‘ Margot,” neighbours, ; she simpered. 2 Ah, yes, l was a Fre nehitied flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing | Meg is manner of hers, “that’s very easy to | do for declaring it j name—" yon wee the cleverest girl in Scotland ’ and the wittiest.” peopl At this I remember Caroline Testout turned quite pale and | the stuttered, ** Well, Dorothy does scream so.””. *“*Hush, hush, my children,” said | the deep voice of the venerable Marshal Niel. Though yellow with extreme old j} age the old gentleman bore himself proudly and his dress was glossy and clean. “ We all have our place in the world. Let carping critics say what they please, whether it is Dorot} vir her gay gown or L tionary cousins, colourless once that Ruskin was e€ too, and we had a little breeze. Ri SKIN ( patronisingly). What do you think of the paintings of TuRNER? | MARGOT | He bores me. Ruskin (drav ing wma long breath) Bores you ? Mareor (with a slow smile). bably bores you too, admit it. He pro- only you daren’t 1| What would have hi appened I cannot jimagine had not dear old offered me a draw of his pipe, while re- -|} marking laughingly, “She's a wonder, }is Meg; she'll lead the world yet.” ‘Hear,|. One day he asked me what I thought }of his writing. iberty in her revolu- showy American | our well-beloved Scotch rela tions, or our wear, our Persian guests they are all welcome, ail beautiful.” hear!" murmured the other roses CARLYLE [Avausr 11, 1920. ee M. ARGOT. CARLYLE improve. thorship ? Maroor.. I think one should assume that everything that happens to one. self must be interesting to CARLYLE New idea) oo j jerky ae pe ve rcharged (wineing). I try to What is your the ry of au- must others. {as though sla Why? MARGOT (simply). lie red by a Because oneself is 1 So prec 10Uus, SO unique. l asked him once what he thought of Mrs. changed the subject. really Bismarck. It was in Berlin, when | teen, that | met ry gm 1, Where, being a youn girl, | was in the vas seven- v English ng alone. who was all un- pene trated his , Watched me for a i¢ while between the Acts and then ove on my way home and in Frenc! me to supper. Maroor (also in French But Tam} not hungry. Bismarck. In Germany y do as the Germans do and eat habit ol g The great Chancellor, conscious that 1 had asked | always; (with CMLPHASLS ) I do. MARGOT (scathingly | wonder if you | are aware that I am Englis! BisMARCK (muttering si could not catch about Eng ad lying | crushed at his feet). But you are heau- | BIsMARCK lt was at | | | | | CARLYLE, but he} took me i | | | | i should | | ul thing 1) tiful too! Some day you will be a | countrywoman of mine. Mareor. How ? Jecause we sl} ill make England and conquer it, and it will then be our own and all of you will be our people and our slaves. At least we should conquer it if Mareor. If what ? BISMARCK. BISMARCK. War on If it were not for a young | } man who will then be Prime Minister. | It is of him we are afraid. Marcor. What is his name Bismarck. ASQUITH. Could prescience MARCK then left me with gainly effort at French: “ Au Mademoiselle.” But we again. revou, Disraecli’s Last Days. I was with Disraeni (who was one of the few men who did not propose to me) not long before the end, and he gave me many confidences, although further go? Bis- | another Un- | never met | he knew all about my friendship with | But the n I have chosen my friends impartially from all the camps. My exact memory enables me to repeat my last conve rsation with Dizzy word for word :— Marcor. You look tired. dance for you ? o ‘ontinued on 0 pa ye 104). GLADSTONE. Shall I always | haste a ‘ ————e : a ee A a aig e7R SOR 2 8 cla ae SBS AIRS

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la ltt . . MAKES A Nik Dizzy. No, no M anGor (bright! 4) Let us be sensible | and talk frankly about yourapproaching ‘death. Have you any views as to vou biography ? Dizzy. Need there be one? Maroor. Of course Dizzy (earnestly). Would you write » You would be so discreet | had to refuse, but I am sure | r could have made a more amusing job | of it than Mr. Buckie has done, in spite of the love-letters. What a pity they didn’t entrust it to my dear EpmuND Gosse! : A Browning Poem. Here is a little poem that Brownine ; wrote for me on hearing me sav that when we were girls “ we did not know the meaning of the word‘ fast We all of us worship our Margot, She 's such a determined escargot. | Talks with the Dead. | The great Naro.ron had died many years before I was born; and how un just it is that the lives of really in-| |, teresting people should not coincide! But with the assistance of my beloved Oxiver Lopee I have had ‘many con- kE Ol } ms DON T If IN THE RKAILN | versations Wit in this manne MAnrGot in current English politics ? NavoLeon. O (Yes). MarGot What do you think of LLoyp Gror E | § NAPOLEON ‘4 4 ~ An opportunist on horse back Mareor. | love riding too. I met} most of my triends in the hunting-field | You should have seen me cantering into the hall of our town mansion. Who , Napotron, Asquits beyond a doubt | lo you think our greatest statesman ° | ia . a | Both Praro and Junius‘ Cxsar, whom my beloved OLIVER has also in- | it roduced to me, said the same thing BV. 1. ; rLOWERS’ NAMES. SOLOMON’s SEAL, On, lordly was King Sonomon \-stepping down so proud, With his negro slaves and dancing girls And all his royal crowd ; | His peacocks and his viziers, His eunuchs old and grey, | His gallants and his chamberlains |: And glistening array. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. — repo in Our first opened | Oh, blithesome was Kina SoLomon Do you take any interest | Avucust 11, 1990. a" Reynoidg - | . GUARDIN’ A TIN O° That burning summer day When lo! a humble shepherd: Stood silent in his way : Then stepped down kingly SoLomoy, And proud and great stepped he, And there he kissed the she) herdess— Kissed one and two and thiree Then proudly turned the peasant- | maid Pale as a ghost was she ‘ For all ye are Kinc SoLomon, What make ye here so free Oh, lordly laughed Kina SoLomoy, “Shalt be my queen,” quoth he; * These kisses pledged KinG So.oMon And sealéd him to thee. Then on went splendid SoLoMon And all his glittering band And the wondering white peasant | girl He led her by the hand; But in that place sprang flower- stems All green, for kingly pride, With the small white kisses hanging down With which he sealed his bride. ——— POF PIS GPO ARR RORIER to: ae Ne itrescnsenve rans Agee Meme Tash: iris

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eens mene nM aaa Tap: wry bd eres Soe, | something that had once been a photo- | graph, but which the ravages of time } it. But don’t leave it about.” and | am speaking for your own good. | Was casually deposited on your writing- table Aveust 11, 1920.} PUNCH SQUATTERS. Ursula came into the study, carrying had long since reduced to a faded and almost indecipherable problem. “Dear,” she said, “ you know this portrait of Clara's boy, the one in the sailor suit, from my writing-table? | was looking at it just now 4 [ interrupted her (it really was one of my rushed mornings). “I've been looking at it any time these fifteen years, I observed bitterly, “ watching it become every day more and more fly-blown and like nothing on earth. What entitles it to special notice at this moment ?” «“ Nothing—much,” said Ursula; but from the tone of her voice experience taught me that sentiment was only just out of sight. “1 was wondering whether to burn it——’’ * Good.’ “And then I thought that, as he was inarried the other day and is quite likely to have a boy of his own, it would be interesting to compare this early portrait.” “It would,” I assented grimly. Per- haps disappointment had made me brutal. “There's almost nothing, from the Alps at midnight to Royalty down a coalmine, with which it would not be equally safe and appropriate to com- pare it. Only, as I gather that this involves its continued existence for a further indefinite period, my one re- quest is that in the meantime you remove it. Shut it in the safe. Bury “Aren't you being rather excited about nothing ?”’ “No. This is a matter of principle, Fifteen years ago that photograph, un- lramed and in the first flush of youth, Perhaps you only meant to put it out of your hand for a moment while you attended to something else. But you know what the result has been. It has remained there, gradually establish- ing a prescriptive right. No doubt it has been dusted, with the rest of the room, seven times a week As “Six times,” said Ursula, smiling, but blushing a little too—I was glad to observe that. . and as often been replaced. Its charm for the observant visitor has, to put the thing mildly, long since vanished. I doubt if either of us would so much as see it had it not attained for me the fascination of an eye-sore. Yet it stays on, sirnply because no one has the initiative to take action. To put it concisely, it is a squatter.” OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 105 a ~ Sahih raae Navvy. “Wuy pon’r YER WEAR THEM BOARDS THE RIGHT WAY ROUND?” Sandwichman. “Wort IN ME DINNI R-HOUR? Nor mg!” * Don't be ridiculous.” ‘Tl was never more serious in my life. This speckled travesty, this photo- graphic mummy, is but one example out of many. Ido not know whether other homes resemble ours in the same tendency towards the mausoleum. But I strongly suspect it.” “What things are there besides this?”’ broke out Ursula, suddenly de- fensive. “Tell me a list of them.” “You forget, sweetheart, that as a professional literary man my time, especially in the morning, has a certain commercial value, but I will endeav- our to do as you ask. You would of course justly repudiate any comparison between your own artistic setting and those Victorian wherein the ‘drawing-room book’ reposed always in the same sacred corner. Yet in the matter of derelict articles we are millionaires, we are beset by squatters.” I could that Ursula was im- pressed, though she tried to conceal the fact. “ Professional literary men seem to be strangely under the dominion of one word,” she began coldly. houses see “ Bliza!” cried Ursula; “and I'm not dressed."" As she fluttered from. the room I had a distinct impression that she was not sorry for an excuse to break off the interview. 1 re-settled myself at my desk, smiling a little cynically. How long would the lesson last? Then I happened to glance towards the mantelpiece, beside which Ursula had been standing. There, hastily propped against the clock, was that detestable photograph. It still quivered in the movement of release, as though shaking its shoulders, settling down palpably for another de- cade. With an uncontrollable impulse I leapt up, seized the abomination and, flinging it on the floor, ground it to powder with my heel. In one word, the anti-squatting cam- paign had definitely begun. A. E. “Some five or six million years hence, therefore, it is prophesied, the earth will fall into the grip of an ice age. There will descend on all living things the blight of eternal cod.” Scotch Paper. Although the danger is not immediate it deserves the serious consideration of tinkled. At that moment a bell the Foop ConTRoLLER.

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Se PE cA PUNCH, OR TH SQUISH. (Being some notes on a bye-path im politics.) Tux Board of Agriculture has been biding its time. In | the fierce light of publicity which has been beating of late upon Mr. Liroyp GEorGE, Mr. Wriyston CaurcHiLt and 5 Eric Geppes the attempt of this rustic Ministry to assert itself has passed almost unnoticed. Our gaze has been fixed upon the London railway termini, upon W arsaw and upon Belfast; we have been neglecting Campden (Glos.). Yet in that town, I read, “the Ministry of Agriculture has completed arrangements for a commercial eourse in the State Fruit and Vegetable College to instruct students in the manufacture of preserved fruit products.’ | have considered the last part of the sentence quoted above very carefully in the light of the Rules and Regula- tions governing procedure in State Departments, Magna Carta, the Habeas Corpus Act and the Constitutions of Clarendon, and have come to the conclusion that it ‘making jam.” Prime MINISTER would say, that things are about to happen in preserved I am very sure, as the and ] fruit products; things will become very much worse then also very much sterner in jam. And if in jam why in jelly and in marmalade. Even at this moment in the} offices of the Board of Agriculture there are a number of} clerks, | suppose, sitting with schedules in front of them, | something like this No. of can- | No.of can- | Need can- | XO. 14 can- | No. of sin didates didates beer indates training waiting fully age —b ] ' training in trated ,- ms 1. Jam 1. Marmalad Porat i The pertect beauty of schedules framed upon this u is Only to be apprehended by those who realise that when they are filled in and added up correctly the figure at the hase of the vertical “ Total cal with the figure on the right of the horizontal “ Total column at the base. It is the haunting magic of this fact that gives to Government clerks the wistfu which they habitually wear, It is not a good schedule this, of course not an exhaustive one. After a month or so it will be dis covered with a ery of astonishment that no record has been kept of the number of candidates who are being trained in jam or jelly (combined) but not in marmalade, in jelly and marmalade (combined) but not in jam, and in jan and marmalade (combined) but not in jelly. And so a new and a greater schedule will have to be compiled. But even after that for a long time no one will notice that nothing has been said about the number of candidates who are being trained in jam and jelly and marmalade all combined and mashed up together, as they are at a pienic on the sands Of the many debatable issues raised by this new Goyern- ment project, in so far as it affects the spheres of jelly and jam, I do not propose to speak now ; I prefer to confine my attention for the moment to the fruit product which touche most nearly the home breakfast-table—namelvy. ma malade. There are three schools of thought in marmalade. There are those who like the dark and very runny kind with large segments or wedges of peel. There are those who prefer not a ¢ ouiplete, +S a clear and jellified substance with tiny fr agments of peel means | ode} | ‘column on the right is identi- | ul il lar-away look | E LONDON CHARIVARI. (Aveusr 11, 1990, = cusheinel - it aa ithe fly is enshrined in saben And there are some, I suppose, who favour a kind of glutinous yellow composition, neither reactionary nor progressive, but something betwixt and between. There can be very little doubt which kind of marmalade the State Marmalade School will produce, And then, mark you, one fine day the President of the Board of Agriculture will turn round and issue a onmuniqué to the Press like this :— “Preferential treatment in the supply of sugar for the purpose of conducting the processes of manufacture of fruit products will henceforward he given to those who possess the Campden diploma for proficiency in the conduct of the above-named processes.” And where is your freedom then? Cooks and housewives will be condemmed either to make State marmalade or to jmake no marmalade at all. Personally I am inclined to ithink that the President of the Board of Agriculture will go further than this. I think that encouragement will be igiven to those who take the State Marmalade course to ifollow it up with a subsidiary or finishing course of | treatment. | And in wasp treatment also there are three schools. | There is what is called the Cuurcutin school, which hits wasp }out right and left with an infuriated spoon. Then there is ithe Montacu school, which takes no provocative action, | but sits still and says, “They won't sting you if you don't |irritate them ;” it says this especially when they are flying jround somebody head. And lastly there is the Medium school, which, choosing the moment when the wasp is busily engaged, presses it down gently and firmly linto the marmalade, so that the last spoonfuls of the dish are not so much a fruit product as a kind of entomological preserve. ‘The last way, I think, will be the State way of \dealing with wasps, and a reward will probably be offered for the stings of all wasps embalmed on Coalition lines. The electorate has stuck to the Government through the Peace Treaty, through Mesopotamia, through Ireland and else’s ‘Nereus pong isinBe PAIS yeeros ite 1 | through coal | marmalade Can it stick t ss PPA SEER. AM deol ae vor them, is what [ ask, through VENS CONSCIA MALI. lt lightning flashed and flickered, roared th | thunder, Down came the rain, and in the usual way Pavilionward we sped to sit and wondei | Was this the end of play. In scattered groups my comrades talked toget |i ‘Their disappointment faded bit by bit, So soothing can it be to tell the weathe: Just what you think of it. But | 1 sat aloof as one distressed by \ painful tendency to droop and wilt ; Though none suspected it, I was oppressed }y \ conscience charged with guilt. I watched the pitch become a sodden pulp, a Morass, a sponge, a lake, a running stream, 3 What time a sad repentant Mea culpa Was all my musing’s theme. Mine was the cricket sin too hard to pardon In one whose age should earry greater sense ; On Friday night I'd watered all the garden, Thus tempting Providence. oN asserted that the Russian people would be permitted untrammelled to pork out their own salvation.’ "—Canadian Paper. And why not the Irish people too ?

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MGI. LT Oe al 7 aasecqeimeeaneee peieete Aveust I], a9 la 5 fs ‘3 = >, # ed)! Clas ; ¥ a | VY , ~i™ Sie VitrAgy | 1920.] PUNCH a ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE MAN WHO y. 3 “4 ? : 2 A¥PROPLANFS FULL, SEA, SANDS AND HOTELS FULL, WOULD GET TO THE SEASIDE.

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108 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL a [Auausr 11, 1920, |] went down with pneumonia. They THE COUNTER-IRRITANT. painted my chest yellow, and, when I Most men have a hobby. Timbrell- asked the Sister why, she said it was a Timson’s is to bear on his narrow | counter-irritant. That 8 what you want shoulders the burden of Middlg Europe. | to use now, my lad. Stand up to your He calls it Mittel-Europa. Lately he} little friend and beat him at his own has been sharing his burden with me. | game. “You know,” he said, frowning—he| “Buthow?’’Isaid. “ Tcan't. W hat always frowns, because of the burden—| he doesn't know about the gentle Czech “Tam rather uneasy about the Czecho- | isn’t worth a cussovitch. Rest Slovaks.” “ Cultivate a counter-burden, said “T'm not too comfortable about them | Brown, “ and make him eat it as he has myself,” I said truthfully. | made you eat his.” ‘« There seems to be a certain lack of | When I left Brown it was decided stability about their new constitution,” | that [was henceforth to be an authority said T.-T., “a—a—a—what shall Ij on Mittel-Afrika. The next evening I say?” | was purposely unoccupied in a corner “ A—er—um—a,” I put in. of the smoking-room when T.-T. came “Exactly; just so,” said T.-T. Hejin, frowning and bowed down by his then got into his stride and gave me| burden, to which apparently I had twenty minutes’ Czecho - Slovakism | brought no relief. when I was dying to discover whethei “Well, to-day’s news from Mittel- Hoszs had scored his two-millionth run. Europa is hardly ~ he began. ‘Scarcely glanced at it,” I said. “ As T.-T. talked my mind wandered | was so busy with the news from Mittel- away into regions of its own—Aunt| Afrika—Abyssinia, in fact.” Jane's rheumatic gout, my broken nib-| T.-T. looked surprised, partly, no lick, the necessity for getting my hair|doubt, because he knew as well as cut. But sub-consciously I reserved aj did that Abyssinia is nowhere near the courteous minimum of attention for| middle of Africa. Then he gained bal- T.-T., and said, “ H’'m” and “ Ha” with | ance and reopened with the remark that decent frequency. He went on and on,|“ The ineradicable weakness of the shedding several ounces of the burden. | Czecho-Slovak is I decided that Aunt Jane ought to have “ Just what I feel about a shot at Christian Science. [ said. ... very much the same plig “ Of course th the Poles,” said T.-T., emerging from a} fundamental cloud of Czecho-Slovakism and pausing to clear his meagre throat. “ Not half so f I felt it was up to me. “Of course,” | Abyssinians,’ I said, “the Poles don’t strike one as | Te being—er—very—that is s «Precisely. They are not,” said T,-T., as I knew he would. “ But I am very|and got as far as saying that he had relieved to see that M. Grabski | little respect for that gentleman’s ante- This was something new and sounded | cedents amusing. “ Grabski?”’ I said. “ What’s | happened to dear old— M. Paderewski was “ —_ the Ethio- plans, s it as re is in the Czecho a began T.-T. once more indamental as in the I said promptly. I’. was puzzled but obstinate. The burden, I think, was rather bad that jevening. He tried I broke in by comparing Grabski’s I mean, I thought | antecedents with the antecedents of | B'lumbu, the Abyssinian Deputy Under- Secretary of the Admiralty, much to the detriment of the latter. Then I launched out into a long and startling exposé of what I called the Swarthy Peril. I told T.-T. that the Ethiopians ate their young, and warned him that, unless he was careful, they would soon be over here devouring his own spectacled progeny. I told him about the Ethiopie secret plans for the invasion of Mexico as a stepping-stone to the subjugation of Mittel-Amerika. I hinted that Abys- sinian spies were eyerywhere—that even one of the club waiters was not! above suspicion. _ For thirty-five minutes I held T.-T. in his chair (may.the Abyssinian gods forgive me!). After the first three minutes he forgot his burden and never a word spake he. I am referring to the recent Spa Conference,” said T.-T. severely. “ Of course, how silly of me,” I mur- mured. , T.-T. gave me another twenty minutes of Poland. Then he released me, with a final word of warning against putting too much faith in M. Daschovitch. T! promised I wouldn't. T.-T. shook me cordially by the hand | and said, “It has been a pleasure to talk to such a sympathetic listener.” What led me to revolt was T.-T.’s hat-trick. Three evenings in succession he unloaded on me chunks of the burden. Probably he thought the third time | made it my own property. I asked advice from Brown, a man of commonsense. me with Grabski | Then I released him with a final warning against putting any faith at all in Gran’slim, the Abyssinian Assistant Foreign Secretary, and as we parted I said gratefully, “ It has been a pleasure to talk to such a sympathetic listener,” I don’t think T.-T. really believes even now in the Swarthy Peril, but the counter-irritant has done its work, ANOTHER GARDEN OF ALLAH. The Metropolitan Water Board announces an advance in the Water Rate I cannor fill the bounteous cup Munificently as of yore Because the water ’s going up (It didn’t at Lodore) ; No longer now ean I regale The canine stranger with a pail Drawn from my cistern’s store. Let Samuel the sunflower die, Let Gerald the geranium fade, And all the other plants that | Have hitherto displayed ; The virgin grass within my plot | May call for water—I will not | Preserve a single blade. | } Henceforth let Claude the cactus dress | My garden beds, who bravely grows Without a frequent 5.0.5. To water-can and hose I've cast these weapons to the void And permanently unemployed Is Hildebrand the hose. Within the house by words and deeds [’ve run an Anti-Waste Campaign; | On every tap the legend reads : “ Teetotalers, abstain !”’ While on each bath and tub of mine | L’ve drawn freehand a PLiMso.t line, Impressionist but plain. When upward mount my chops and cheese I fain must bend beneath the blow; I have to pay the price for these Whether I will or no. But here at least, by dint of thought, I feel that 1 can bring to naught The rise in HO. You'll find that I shall keep in check The gross expense of water when Domestic nettoyage a sec Rules my ancestral den. I, unlike Nature, don’t abhor A “vacuum "—to clean the floor: In fact I’ve ordered ten. _ “At Bremen ... the crowd seized the stalls in the market, and sold the goods at prices between 100 and 200 per cent. lower than the prices demanded.”—Provincial Paper. The correspondent who sends us the above cutting demands similar re ductions in English markets in order that he may live within his income “ During the Great War,” said Brown, minus two pounds a week. : —————=— sonata x way tenonelstletis 5 ORO a # see ia ped x Be x

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Leng see eee. tbs PRATER OI mo ‘ | most delicate literary taste rave over Aveust 11, 1920.) SRA} ™“Seonal SSS \ . q “EXCUSE ME, Sir--—-I’M DOWN HERE F¢ IND TELLING ME WHAT “Sorry ] can’T OBLIGE You. L’VE SW MY LANDLADY WRAPPED MY THE BEGINNER. Six months ago Maurice Gillstone’s flat was the home of unrest. Maurice was one of those authors who tire of their creations before completion. He would get an idea, begin to write and then turn to some other theme. lt made the domestic atmosphere difficult. You would go to call on the Ciillstones and find them plunged in despair. Maurice would gaze at you with a wild unseeing eye, pass his hand through his dishevelled hair, wutter “ The inspiration has left me,” and fling himself into a chair and groan. Mrs. Maurice would burst into tears. The flat was strewn with fragments ol manuscripts. Plays, novels, poems (none finished) littered the rooms in pro fusion ; a brilliant but isolated Scene i., Stray opening chapters of novels, de- tached prologues of mighty epics. ‘His beginnings are wonderful,” Mrs. Maurice would wail between her sobs ;* keen critics and men of the KAFFIRS STOOD aT PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 109 INCORRIGIBLES. REST CURI YESTERDAY ?’ ym A AND NOT ALLOWED TO LOOK ORN OFF NEWSPAPERS MYSELF. Tuts 1s J” SANDWICHES IN.” them; but if he can’t finish them, what's the use?” It was very sad. Then John Edmund Drall, the in- ventor of the non-alcoholic beverage which is now a household word and an old friend of the Gillstones, came along and tried to cure Maurice of his literary defect by the sort of ruse one would employ on a jibbing horse. He sent Maurice a bottle of his Lemonbeer and asked him to write an appreciation of that noxious fluid. «“ T have asked Maurice,” Drall con- fided to me, “to scribble a testimonial to Lemonbeer. It will kind of break the spell, and it wouldn't be Maurice if he didn’t turn out a perfect gem of literary composition. I know my Lemonbeer is really good and I know that Maurice is extremely appreciative. Maurice is under a spell. It must be broken. lif he can write a complete testimonial he will easily finish all those beginnings of his.’ The idea seemed sound. Well, Maurice drank the Lemonbeer and, in spite of an increasing tendency AT A SHRIMP I ( RIE! | NEWSPAPER, PERHAPS YOU WOULDN'T POR FEBRUARY 12 THA’ testimonial. He had, however, written but the first four words of it when he fainted. These words were ‘ Lemon- beer is the best ” Maurice would do anything for a friend, and, as I say, had actually written ‘* Lemonbeer is the best . . . after drinking a whole bottle of it. It was Drall's advertisement manager who said that in point of selling powe this testimonial was unsurpassed. ‘The finished completeness of the composi- tion,” he said, ‘shows sheer genius. Just four words. A word added or sub- tracted would ruin it.” When Maurice came to and learnt how brilliant he had been he simply put on his hat and walked round to a Film Agency to say that he was pre pared to write—-and complete—any number olf masterpieces. Since that day he has never looked back. Commercial Candour. “ ANTIQUE SILVER. Mr. --— invites all interested to inspect his fine stock which he can offer just new at ex- to swoon, did begin to write a gem of a | ceptionally low prices."— Daily Paper: '

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— —— m2 SLL STII THE FAIR. Look up, my child, the sirens whoop Shrill invitations to the Fair, The yellow swing-boats soar and swoop, The Gavioli organs blare ; Bull - throated brown, Compete to shout each other down. r show - men, ° bracken Behold the booths of gingerbread, Of nougat and of peppermints, The stall of toys where overhead Balloons of gay translucent tints | Fboat on the breeze and drift and sway: Fruit of a fairy vine are they. } | Within this green fantastic grot | Bright-coloured balls are danced and spun | On jets (“’Ere, lovey, ‘ave a shot”): A gipsy lk dy tends a gun, | | A very rose of gipsy girls, With earrings glinting in her curls Will marvels cease? This humble booth Enshrines a dame of royal birth. Princess Badrubidure, fi ‘Ks0oth. | The fattest princess on the-earth ; : 10 ee PU NCI » oR THE LONDON - N CHARIVARL $$ AvausT 1] 1920. Peggy. “Pease, Miss JupKIN, MUMMY SAYS WILL YOU KINDLY LET HER HAVE A LIITLI ANp MUMMY 1S AFRAID IT’S DYING.” Miss Judiin. “Tein your morHer I’M VERY SORRY, BUT THE ONLY BRANDY I'vi Peggy. “OU, THAT WILL DO SPLENDIDLY. It's A VERY OLD Goat.” Stor vd, And you shall good, The spotted horses bound about Professor Battling Bendigo (Ex ten-stone West) Parades the stage before his show champion of ‘Is England's manhood dead gone?” He asks; “Won't no one take on?” Who is this hero that appears, \ velvet tunic on his back, His whiskers ears ? curling round Diabolo, the Lion King Come, we will stand where kings have pinch her if you’re The brasses gleam, the mirrors flash, -| How splendid is the Round-About! | The organ brays, the cymbals clash, Their whirling platform, full of beans, And country girls ride by like queens. And swells his biceps and his chest ; \ big drum booms, revolvers crack : ‘Tis he who drew the jungle’s sting, BRANDY FOR OUR GOAT? It's vOT IS VERY OLD.” Lean dingoes weighed with secret grief And monkey humourists who ain't; Bears, camels, pards my dear, The wonders of the world are here PATLANDER. FOR T.B. Look ip, BELOW ZERO PATIENTS. + Ink in Nurses’ Pens Froze when Taking Men's Temperature.”—Canadian Paper. * CELLS the 3 Personally, we prefer having ours taken with a thermometer. “OFFENCES UNDER THE LIGHTING ORDERS At Thursday's petty session Emile was paid £1 for having no near side light on his motor car.”—Local Paper. |But ought foreign offenders to be favoured in this way ? and me bustling Taps © as “Richmond camp is a scene of activity from sunrise to reveille, or his | the Americans term it,”—Erening I’aper. | And after that the boy scouts would appear to have had a nice long day bo | themselves. cd = Boa ee ate cr * Sarpeatornas poet

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | | | Ses ou hi ae IF WINSTON SET THE FASHION — | \ Premier (entering Cabinet Council Room). “ WHAT—NOBODY HERE?” | Butter. “YOU FORGET, SIR. THIS IS PRESS DAY. THE GENTLEMEN ARE ALL ) FINISHING THEIR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES.”

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cn eee *

Aveust Ll, 1920.) ‘ PU}

H, OR '

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, August 2nd.—The rain that drenched the Bank-holiday-makers had its counterpart inside the House of Commons in the shower of Qu tions arising out of Mr. CHurcHILL’s article on the Polish crisis in an evening news- paper. Members of various parties sought to know whether, when the War Secretary said that peace with Soviet Russia was only another form of war and apparently invited the co-operation of the German militarists

Capt. Wipe Top Row (reading from left to right). Middle Low. woop Brynn (to Mr. pressing the views of the Government ; and if not, what had become of the doctrine of collective responsibility ? The Prime Minister manfully tried to shield his colleague from the storm, but the effort took all his strength and ingenuity, and more than once it seemed as if an unusually violent blast would blow his umbrella inside out. His principal points were that the article did not mean what it appeared to say ; that if it did it was not so much an expression of policy as of a “ hanker- ing ""—(‘‘ HankerinG, An uneasy cray- ing to possess or enjoy something "’ Dictionary) ; that he could not control

his colleagues’ desires or their expres- Aeieasesnsteees ‘HE LONDON CHARIVARL 113

sion, even in a newspaper hostile to the Government, so long as they were con- sistent with the policy of the Govern- ment; and that he was not aware of anything in this particular article that ‘cut across any declaration of policy by His Majesty’s Government.” : This does not sound very convincing perhaps, but it was sufficient to satisfy Members, whose chief anxiety is to get off as soon as possible to the country, and who voted down by 134 to 32 an attempt to move the adjournment.

Aseuirn). “Isn'? 17 Mr. G. R, THORN! } The Cater Secretary formally in- = <==

A LONG PARTNERSHIP. ABOUT TIME YOl man of C mumuttees), to fight the Bolshevists, he was ex- | troduced a Bill “ to make provision for the restoration and maintenance of order in Ireland.’’ Earlier in the sit- ting the Prime Minister had declined Mr. De VaLera’s alleged offer to accept a republic on the Cuban pattern, and had reiterated his intention to pass the Home Rule Bill after the Recess. Mr. T. P. O’Connor is a declared opponent of both these measures, but that did not prevent him from con- trasting the lightning speed of the House when passing coercion for Ire- land with its snail-like pace when ap- proaching conciliation. In fifty years it had not given justice to Ireland; it was to be asked to give injustice to

[reland in fewer hours.

TOOK THE GLOVES OFF AND HAD A GO AT Mr. Devury, Sir Donatp Maciean, Mr. Ciynes, Gen. Seery, Col. Wepawocp. The Spraker, Lieut.-Commander Kenwortny, Mr. Bonar Law, Mr. Luoyp GrorGe, Mr. Asquiru, Capt. WEpGwoop BEnNN. Bottom Row.—Mr, GrorGe Lampert, Mr, Wuitiey (Cha

Tuesday, August 3rd.—That genial optimist Lord Pre commended the Ministry of Mines Bill as being caleu- lated to restore harmony and goodwill among masters and men. According to Lord Gatnrorp the best way to secure this result is to hand back the control of the mines to their owners, between whom and the employés, he declared, cordial relations had existed in the past. Still, the owners would work the Bill for what it was worth, and hoped the miners would do the same. Lord Hanpanre said that was a” "EM YOURSELF? just what the miners had announced their intention of not deng unless they were given a great deal more power than the Bill proposed. But this lack of enthusiasm in no way damped Lord PEEL'S ardour. Indeed he observed that he had “never introduced a Bill that was received with any sort of en- thusiasm.”” Mollified by this engaging candour the Peers the Bill a Second Reading. I am glad to record another example of Government economy. To Mr. Gin- BERT, who desired that more sandpits should be provided in the London parks for the delectation of town-tied child- ren, Sir ALrrep Monp reluctantly but sternly replied that ‘in view of the gave

1 LL

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SPC SSS TET Sara EST PO as NE a Ay ee ee SEP es ! | seated for the consid tere in he| «lL PEE » prince! , »of the considerable expenditure involved he | Lord Peet, the principal purpose o did not feel justified in adding to the | measure. existing number of three. Dumps suggest dolefulness, but the| beer in the Commons. debate on the action of the Disposals Board in disposing of the accumula- | Thus Sir Bertram Fak, who was con- ordinary rules of evidence tions at Slough, St. Omer and Mr. Hore | no special marriage allowance, was spe- | 1! led off by attacking the recent report | cifically assured by Sir James Craia | of the Committee on National Expendi-| that the Admiralty will not prevent | anti-coercion speech which he has been ture, and declared that its Chairman, | men not | however, that it will not recognise a} years. where was decidedly lively. though a paragon of truth, was necessarily a mirror of accuracy Chairman himself (Sir F. upon | the Opposition Bench, replied | nonce with appropriate vigour in a | speech which caused Sir Gor poN Hewarr to remark that the passion for censorious ness was not a real virtue, but which greatly pleased the Party, in ledging compliments Sir FREDERICK stramed the brim of his tal es Labour acknow : whose severely | hat. After these star-turns the ‘walking gentlemen had i their chance. Sixteen times were they called upon to parade the Division Lobhies iby an Opposition which on j;one occasion | fewer than fifty-three votes ! Wednesday, August 4th One of the few Irish insti tutions which all Irishmen | unite in praising is the mail | service between Kingstown und Holyhead. Even the} Sinn Feiners would = think twice before cutting this link between England and Ire land. Yet, according to Lord | ORANMORE AND Browne, the | British Post Oflice has act ually given notice to termin- | ate the contract. He was'| assured, however, by Lord | registered no} } else- The | wife in every port | Banbury), ! ee, THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Aveust 11, 1996, Sir Hamar GREENWOOD made as good a defence of the Bill as Was possible in It was another day of rather small} the circumstances. But neither he nor anybody else could say how courts. however, one or two dicta of note.| martial, which are “to act on the will be sue- cerned because Naval officers received cessful in bringing criminals to justice f There were, witnesses refuse to come forward. Mr. T. P. O'Connor re-delivered the from marrying. I understood,| making off and on for the last forty Mr. DEvLIN was a little move up-to-date, for he introduced a reference fugust dth.—With lofty 'to the Belfast riots and drew from the - seme CHIEF SECRETARY an assur ance that the Bill would be as applicable to Ulster as to the /3 ie rest of Lreland. ‘ A Be hf! | | Mr. Asqurra denounced the . i uae ee vy tle ' | Bill with unusual animation, jand was sure that it would do more harm than good. Crom- wellian treatment Thursda needed a one on the Treasury Beneh. ‘ CROMWELL torted the Prive Minister The only unofficial supporter reat ivan Crew; but carried by 289 to 7] The House afterwards gave au Second Reading to the Cen- sus (Ireland) Bill, on the prin- ciple,as Captain MLLior caus- tically observed, that if you can’t do anything with the /people of Lreland you might at least find out how many iof them there are | Friday, August ¢th.—The remaining stages of the Coer- cion Bill were passed under \N YHEN | TOLD ‘In IN mh ORF THA ul MONEY the * guillotine.’ Mi Drevin ASNT RIGHT, HE SAYS, ‘'EKRE’s A READY RECKONER—work {declared that this was not If OUT YERSELF;’ AN’ BELIEVE ME OR BELIEVI WHEN I LOOKED at TH LAST YEAR’s.” |; Crawrorp that tenders for a new con | tract would shortly be invited and that, | whoever secured it, the efficiency of the service would be maintained. It was nearly eight o'clock the Ministry of Mines came on. hefore Lord SALISBURY thought it would be im proper to consider so measure after dinner : important al Lord CRAWFORD | | thought it would be still more lunproper | to suggest that the Peers would not be | | im a condition to transact business after | that meal. He carried his point, but at the expense of the Bill, for Lord Sauisbury, returning like a giant re freshed, induced their Lordships to} accurate, fe transform the Minister of Mines into a mere Under-Secretary of the Board | of Trade, thus defeating, according ‘o ME NOT, BUY |“ ericket,”’ and refused to play eep ROOK I POUND any longer: but it is only fair —!to say that he had not then seen oul artist's picture i |disregard of a hundred -and-twenty | vears of history the Duke of Nortu UMBERLAND informed the Peers that | | the present state of Lreland was due to | Bolshevism * At this stage the Chairman withdrew cole ; . | pluining of a head-ache without nominatyg ia Having diagnosed the} a suecessor, darkness set in and there were | disease so clearly he ought to have been | no lights. Along with the Chairman some forty people also left in a body, What hap- nothing more practical than the hold- |!" ned afterwards is not cleat a ' sel | ready with a remedy, but could suggest | Paper. Ing of mass meetings to organise Brit jish public opinion Meanwhile the Commons were en gaged in rushing through with the aid We don't wonder | baftled. Dean Mr. Puncn. the reporter was Re the author- j of the * guillotine ” a Bill for the re- | ship of SHakspearr’s plays, may I | storation of order in the distressful | quote from Twelfth Night, Act I, -} country | > > Mr. Boxar Law, usually so! Scene V.? ll into an ancient trap, and |, | declared that the Sinn Fein le Thank you. ‘Tis beauty truly blent, whose ved and white Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on.” aders had | | raised a Frankenstein that they can- } not control,” ; fa This is unquestionably bacon. neverthe- | less the Second Reading was | CROMWELL, but he did not see | yourself!" pe. | of the Bill, and even he “no | admirer,’ was Lord} | | 4 a 3 fe } NM ea tee oe i PEs

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] - ike: Ee: = eas | ce - Qo ITIN GY Uh » , y ais | Aveusr 11, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 115 | |= ———————————__ pay, rg | , ' : On me a look instinet with pride; | good supply of loose metal before enter- | miles of Whelksham as ‘a paradise for : re | }é : arr 3 geo But 1 would have them know 0 | ing the village, where most of the houses | baboon-faced Yahooligans. But these} ,, * eh : ae | : 4 That, while on Wimbledonian plains »- | | are protected with iron shutters. Hel- futile ebullitions of malice are powerless : he ehoula Bt I bef ses shdinin le Qin; Qilanecintenl allele f the My humble domicile remains, | ets route > re 3 verore » Cher re triumpha ‘ORTESS O € : ’ } : Se ee, eT eee Ee ' Ae sean | HAVE NO USE FoR EALING TRAINS, | ‘ reaching Cadbridge, where there is no} charabane in the Mastern Counties. al | ; Es : ; | Though still they come and go, | 8 | | danger of retaliation. But no route at present offers more | | Bottles may be discharged freely all} favourable or exhilarating opportunities | | . » > : , 1 — : Y ’ he ie P me, | along the Muckley road as far as Rud-|to the high-minded excursionist than Conversation of the moment in a | a: ° . ’ ‘ “gut A I | diham, but caution is needed at Bash-| the main Gath road from Serapston to City restaurant field Corner, from which a small band! Kinlarry. Excellent sport is afforded ReGuLAR CustomER (looking down 7 |} Of snipers has not yet been dislodged | just outside Stillminster,where Sir John | menu). “ Waiter, why 1s cottage pie | | though their ammunition is running | Goodfellow’s greenhouses ave within | never on now ? | Short. Passengers should be prepared | easy bottle-throw of the road and fur- WAITER. ‘ Well, Sir, since this ‘ere | to use all the resources of their vocabu- | nish a splendid target. On the whole, | shortage of ‘ouses we ain't allowed to | lary at Bargingham, where the i ihabi-! however, it is thought advisable to! make ‘em any more 4

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ee THE REVIVAL OF (Written after reading M [ am no skilful vocalist ; I have but an indifferent fist But there are instruments, To master They are the Fipple Flute, a word The Poliphant comes next, and third 116 PUNC] | the 5 THE FITTEST. | Francis W | Gawupin 8 “ Old English Instruments of Music , ) I can't control my mezza gola ; (Or foot) upon the Pianola I own, That fire me with a fond ambition for their names alone Apart from their august tradition. Suggestive of seraphic screeches ; The Humstrum—aren't they peaches , pertect | About their tone I cannot say Much that would carry clear con |“ viction, For, till I read of them t »-day, | I knew them not in fact or fiction. As yet I am, alas! without Instruction in the art of fippling, Though something may be found about | It in the works of Lear or Krprninc And possibly [ may unearth In Lecky or in LAURENCE OLIPHANT | Some facts to remedy my dearth Of knowledge be phant wing on the P But, now their pictures | have In Garry's learned dissertation So far as in me lies | mean To bring about their restoration Yet since I « learn all three And time is ever onward humming, | My few remaining years shall be Devoted wholly to humstrummin ‘annot That, re laid Upon my tomb it may be written “ He was the very last who played Upon the Hum Great Britain when my bones to rest trum in THE SPIDER LATELY we had occasion to consi ley the place of the grasshopper in modern politics. Now let us consider the place of the spider in our social life It seems to me that the spider is the most accomplished and in the most these parts some WAYS} sensible have In In my opinion a great deal too much fuss has been made about the bee. She is ing little thing, but | the spider is her superior in m: ANY ways. | Yet no one seems to write books or edu cational rhymes about the spider, It insect we 1 know is really a sti iking ex ample ol the well known hypocrisy the British race materialism of rhe bee is held up to | and | cause she | spider did not swat that fly, jnot to say messy, hy red, {. OR _ LONDON oung as a model of industry asi * and why ? Simply | ve manufactures food which we The spider 1s held up mestic virtue 0 like |happen t to the young as the type of rapacity, malice and cruelty, on the sole ground that he catches flies, though we do not pretend that we are fond of flies, and ignore the fact that, if the we should conveniently probably swat it ourselves. The real charge against the spider is that he doesn't make any As for the virtue and nobility of the bee, I don't see it. The way In which ble to accumulate all that honey massacring the unfortunate nly sire IS il at all is by males by the thousand as soon as she conveniently can, a piece of Prussianism justified on purely mate rial grounds, but is which may be scarcely consistent her high reputation for mo) lity and lovingkindness. If it could be shown that the bee collected all consciously 1 \ " hat honey with the idea that we should unnex it there might be something to be said for her « moral grounds ; but nobody pretend it. Now look at the spider. W@t&re told that as a comme) ial product spider silk » be yu ul if nots iperior to the best lk spun by the Lepid ypterous vith whom, of course larvee, *, you are familial wnnibalisti propensities ol impo sible to kee p wn one ina single receptacle nted the silk being used . . for textile fabrics.’ So th food for ws. | CHARIV ARI | ; | | has been found | iin eating, it comes to t “ spiders are useless because they eat each other, the bees | lo much the same thing (only whole sale), but it makes them ce useful. The bee therefi nnimercially rewe pl: Loe upon resp ctability, but the} | | voracity jmakes a | killed and eaten by her before o1 pid 0 Faugh! the hypo s smesick. My children | will to venerate the spide und is hee For, putt 4 iside the question ot moral values, look what the spider cun do What is there in the clammy honey comb to be compa ed with the delicate fabric of Indeed, : \ | single thought to should we Piven a comb if it in it? Do we become lyrical about We do not It case where greed and materialism have warped our artistic perceptions. Th itself from the draw- om ceiling to the floor by a silken hread produced out ol itself, more marvellous, he can climb up the| samme thread to the ceiling when | winding up the Lhe h mey the Ww isp s ¢ omb ‘4 IS a , spider can lowe Lge -} thread inside | | him as he goes, and so making pursuit | | umpossib le W! hat » And |i van the bee do t equal that how is it done ? | tt [Avousr II, 1920, en don't even hey The En ylopedia Britannica doesn’t know; or if it does it doesn’t let on. But the whole tedi- ous routine of the bee’s domestic potter- ing day is an open book to us. Agk yourself, which would you rather do, be able to collect honey and put it ina suitable receptacle, or be able to let yourself down from the top floor to the basement by a silken rope produced out of your tummy, and then climb up it when you want to go upstairs, just winding up the rope inside you? I think you will agree that the spider has it. It is hard enough, goodness knows, to wind up an ordinary ball of string so that it will go into the string- box properly. What one would do if one had to put it in one’s id-box | can't think. When my children grow up, instead of learning again ‘“Tfow doth the little bu M8 scan they will learn w doth the jolly little spid Wind up such miles of silk in her, When it is clear that spiders nies Are not so big as mine or Muin 3? The ¢ xplanation seems to be, rhey do not eat so much as 1 That will point the moral of moderation | you see. There w 2 a lot I car more verses, I expect ; » cram and diaphragm and possibly com- ing very soon. But weanust get on The spider is like the bee in this respect, that the male seen » have a most rotten time. For one thing he is | it | nearly always about two sizes smaller ithan the female Owing to that and to what The Eneyclopedia Britannea | humorously describes as ‘the creater a lot of t Britan- who ” of the female (there quiet fun in The nica), he is a ney oped very proposal of marriage. “ He makes bis advances to ite at the risk of his life and is not infrequently after” before or afte " ig brave spidei his m ] ; ut wey are engaged te good), ‘ Fully aware of the danger he | pays his addvesses with extreme cau- | Vicinity tion, frequently waiting for hours in her venturing to come to Males of the lryyopide before close quarters. | hang on the outskirts of the webs of the had had no honey | | | R | Still | novelists have even placed l¢ |" he is | for to| the se imaginative accounts If W e| said enough t ™ males and signal their presence to her by je rking the radial thre ads in a peculiar manner.” This is, of course, the origin of the quaint modern custom by which 1e young man rings the bell before at- tempting to enter the web of his beloved Conte mporary on record in which the male has “ waited hours in her vicinity before ventur- " but too paid to | have future @ in Grosvenor Square. SASS ing to come to close qui uters much attention must not be o secure that in coer Si feta ates cas iain Bee Ae Ii

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——

AbD ap ANGE apse Dee ae cree wee ~ ne

| Ibisspe ntbimvt | not go further ? ' } a sing Aveusr 11, 1920 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CI IARIVARL Skee Mh A a “You '’h <A SON WAY Ss An ~

~ fecre REALLY HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUI DEAR. How Yo ! AK TO THE COOK OR l V Pernars | WAS RATHER SEVERI Vy. M. Sevenn! Way, ANYONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO ME,” little more kindliness and respect will be shown to the spider in the nurseries of this yvreat impire, and a little less of it wasted on the bee, L have not ine Can we Can we not get a little the simpheity of spide ot In these latitudes the spider lives only for gut I shall not be content more of mto this heetie world ours ? season. “The young emerge from the cocoon in the early spring, | grow through the summer and reach ; Maturity in the early autumn. The sexes then pair and perish soon after

| coon, her co No winter; no bother about coal; no worry about the children’s education : ' the female has constructed How delicious ! just one glorious summer of sport, one wild summer of fly- catching and midge-eating, a romantic, not to say dangerous wooing, a quiet wedding in the autumn, dump the family in some nice unfurnished cocoon—and perish. Is there nothing to be said for that? How different from the miser- able bee, which just goes on and on, Worrying about posterity, working and working, fussing about. Yet all our lives are modelled on the hee’ s. A. P: HH. | | | | people, who also enjoy life, have their hinoverments recorded too ? ithe life} remain in town

DOW N-OUR-( Way KOU RT CIRCULAR. should not some of the other Lake this: William Devonshire moors During Mi Sikes’ Mrs Visil to Sikes will xn Mi Mrs. James Harris arrived in London from Southend. nxn Miss Miss Hirsch and Master Isaacson are among the guests at Vie and have Levi toria Park, where some highly successful children’s parties have been given. une pping is much in favout just now, and a large number of (public) house- heen arranged, Among those entertaining this week are Mr. Henry Higgins, Mr. Robert Atkins and Mr. Joho Smith part ies have “ne Mr. Henry Hawkins, Mrs. Hawkins, Mr. Henry Hawkins, junior, and Miss Hawkins left town on August 2nd for Hampstead Heath, for a day's riding A large bag of nuts was Hawkins not yet and shooting obtained. Mr has returned, 7 “LITTLE PROGRESS MADE. KING STILL DEFIANT. Daily Paper. Oh, dear! Who is the monareh ? ‘ \nother complication ! Which the nation ? We breathe again Kept up his end four hours or so The Leicester pro. ‘Another of the big round landlords of London is selling his estate, Sir Joseph Doughty Tichborne is s Doughty Estate of 14 acres.”——Hvening Paper. It recalls the ‘The Claimant’ would certainly have made ‘a big round landlord.” lling his famous Case * Here then is a local journalism, new developinent of serious Just an unpretentions but exceedingly well-printed village sheet, breath ing local atmosphere, emitting nothing that can possibly interest the natives.” Leacal laper. But we seem to have seen journals like this before. From Dutch bulb-grower’s cata logue : “Nothing but Infes out from my Nurseries with order only wl quality My terms ar being sent Cash

In matters of commerce this Dutehman | appears to be maintaining his country’s |

reputation

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yi aoe eet sce ssn aiiatanenaietaiaatsiiaaesanttattita | | | THE ANNIVERSARY. Ir began as quite an ordinary day. I read my paper at breakfast and Kathleen poured out the coffee. She wore that little frown between her eye- brows that means that she is thinking out the menu for lunch and dinner and hoping that Nurse hasn’t burnt Baby's porridge again. This is married life. Then I started in a hurry for the office, hurling a “Good-bye, dear” hrough the open window as ! passed. The 9.15 leaves little time for affection. That too is married life. It was the sweetbriar hedge that made me decide to miss the 9.15. It clutched hold of me suddenly and told me that the sky was very blue and the woods very green, and that the office was an absurd thing on such a day. [ went slowly back home round the outside of the garden wall. Someone was singing in the garden. and whistled a tune. over the wall face. ‘Hello!’ it said; “someone I knew A face appeared rather an attractive a long time ago used to whistle that tune outside my garden.” * Hello!” 1 said; “come out for a walk ?”’ ‘“‘T can’t come out at the bidding of young men on the highway. It done.” ‘“ Never mind. * Have I ever you ? fe isn’t Come out.” been “ Introductions went out years ago. Come by the side gate.” She came. She held a shady hat in her hand and walked on tip-toe “Sht’ seeine. I have a reputation, you know. | don’t want the Vicar to denounce me} from the pulpit on Sunday in front of | ~s | Baby.” “T will be quite frank with you,’ she went on, holding out her left hand with a dramatic flourish; “1 am married | —I have a husband.” for seats.” Without a word I went to the tele- phone. 1 gave a hollow groan; then, with a| manly effort, 1 mastered my emotion. | “I hope he's nice to you,” I said. | “No, he isn’t. He grouches off to} the office in the morning and grouches | back in the evening and reads news: | papers. He's just grouched off now.” | * The callous brute!" I hissed through | my teeth. } aT - ‘ - ’ ? | “There's worse than that.” she said | darkly. “No!” “Yes. To-day, to day is an anni versary, and he forgot it.’ The manner yas that of Madame Bernuarpr. * Anniversaries,” I said reassuringly, “are difficult to remember. They accu mulate so.”’ ? NCH, OR THE LO | | | I stopped introduced to * she cautioned ; “no one must | { ; | “I’ve had a lovely day,” she said “ Are you defending him?” she pro- tested. «“Er—no,” I said hastily. “The man’s an unmitigated scoundrel. He ought to be divorced or something. What anniversary was it?” “ Our wedding-day,” she said with a sob in the voice. “ Heavens!” I said. tardly ruffian!’ “ You wouldn't forget your wedding- day, would you?” “ Never!” I said hoarsely. “ You 're rather sighed. “ You're adorable,” I said readily, “How lovely! My husband never says things like that.” And she leant against my shoulder. We got on rather well after that. We had lunch in an inn garden, where could sweet and roses and where there were box hedges turned under magical spells nto giant birds. We discovered a stream in a wood with hart’s-tongue \fern growing along its banks. I picked | her armfuls of wild roses. “Oh, the das- quite nice,” she | you smell lavender and | peas ake up,” I said, ‘‘ because & husband forgot your ; wedding ay | “I'd love to be married to you,” she Sih 1 brazenly. [ turned aside to brush away a bitter teal It was al st dusk when we got back to the side ) | ‘Good-bye,’ she whispered. “Go away quickly | believe that's the | Vicar coming down the road.” rhen she shut the gate with gentle swiftness in my face. I walked round I ) the front door. She was in the hall. | “Hello!” she said; “I hope you had a good day at the office ? ‘Thanks,”’ I said: “pretty rotten,” nice young man He’s taking me out He's just going to ring up ‘I picked up such a lin the high road. to-night. The Right Order of Things at Last. “A Gentleman would be pleased to Recom mend his Butler in whose service he has been | three vears.”— Daily Paper. “To AMERICANS In Lonvox.—The — Cornwall, offers vou comfortable home while n this side; far away from the madding Daily Pape Republican prejudices respected. crown.” There was a hard-swearing old sailor Whose speech might have startled a jailer ; But he frankly avowed That the charabane crowd Would not be allowed on a whaler. NDON CHARIVARL ernie [Aueusr 11, 1990, - ee enn, THE PATIENTS’ LIBRARY. Tuovcu a West-End physician of repute, he must, I think, have had a course of American training, if rapidity of action be any indication thereof. Searcely had the maid ushered me into his study and [ had taken a seat than he came forward brusquely, looked lat me with the glowering eye of the Second Murderer, grasped a large piece of me in the region of the fourth rib and barked, ‘“‘ You're too fat Having been carefully bred I re- frained from retaliation. I did not tell him that his legs were out of drawing and that he had 4 frightfully vicious nose. But before I had time to explain my business he had started on a series of explosive directions: ‘ Eat proper food. Plenty of open air. Exercise morn- ing, noon and night and in between. Use the Muldow system. tonic.” He turned to his table and was, I suppose, about to draw a cheque for me on the local chemist's when I decided to say my little piece. “ Excuse me, Sir,” said T mildly, “I am not a patient.” The combination fountain-pen and thermometer almost fell from his hand. “Tam,” said I, “the sole proprietor and sole representative of the Physi- cians’ Supply Association. | gave your maid my card. led with a You need a lL have call thrilling offer of magazines for - your Waiting-room.” “What dates?” said he, a interest in his dark eye. “ All pre-war,” said [ proudly ; “ none of them are later than 1900 and some £0 back to 1880.” “ Not n.c.?” said he, with a look in which hope and disbelief were mingled. “No,” said I. “All are A.D but they include two Reports of Missions gleam of to Deep Sea Fishermen in 1885—yery rave. I'm sure they would mateh splendidly the Proceedings of the Royal Commission on Aniline Dyes which you have in the waiting-room.”’ “No,” said he firmly” “I have one of the most important practices in Harley Street. I likewise possess one of the finest collections of old magazines in the profession. That blue-book on Aniline Dyes is barely fifty years old. It was left me by my father, and I retain it simply through affection for him in spite of its modernity. But the rest go back to the Crimean vintage and earlier. When you haye some thing really old, come to me. But"— and he threw in a winning smile in his best bedside manner—* not till then.” [ am now in search of a young practitioner who is merely starting 4 collection. Iai = eae: 1 AEP IN IT as eee Spe eimete ore : :

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: A i Aveust 11, 1920.) ScEN}I { Flower Show Mother. “I DON’T CARE FOR THAT LITTLE FIGURI He’s Too GOT NO CLOTHES ON.” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) Ir sorrow’s crown of sorrow is as the poet says, il should be equally true that there is enough satisfaction in remem- bering unhappier things to ensure success for The Crisis of the Naval War (CassE.u), the large and dignified volume in which Admiral of the Fleet Viscount JeLuicor or Scapa, | G.C.B., O.M., G.C.V.O., reminds us how near the German submarines came to triumph in 1917, and details the various ways by which their menace was overcome. It is a solid book, written with authority, and addressed rather to the expert than to the casual reader; but even the latter indi- vidual (the middle-aged home-worker, for instance, remem - bering the rationed plate of beans and rice that constituted his lunch in the Spring of 1917) can thrill now to read of the precautions this represented, and the multiform activities that kept that distasteful dish just sufliciently replenished. I have observed that Viscount JELLICOE avoids any approach to sensationalism. His book however contains a number of exceedingly interesting photographs of convoys at sea, the most uninformed can appreciate. And in at least one feature of “ counter-measures,” the history of the decoy or mnystery ships, the record is of such exalted and amazing heroism that not the strictest language of officialdom can lessen its power to stir the heart. Who, for example, could Critical Little Girl (who has lately taken part in tableaux-vivants). “ How CAN YOU TELL WHAT CENTURY HE Is, Mormer? smoke-screens, depth-charges exploding, and the like, whieh | Aafia | § vat ae hit! Garden Ornament Section, EIGHTEENTH-CENTURY FOR MY TASTE.” He's lread the story of The Prize, and the involuntary tribute | from the captured German commander that rounds it off, | without a glow of gratitude and pride? Do you recall how | we would attempt to stifle curiosity with the unsatisfactory | formula, ‘‘ We shall know some day”? Here in this author- itative volume is another corner of the curtain lifted. Although he is still comparatively a newcomer, a book, | with the signature of Mr. Josern Huerousnerer is already something of a landmark in the publishing season. To this | repute Linda Condon (HEINEMANN) will certainly add, In many ways I incline to think it, or parts of it, the best work that this unusual artist has yet done. The develop- ment of Linda, in the hateful surroundings of an American ‘hotel-child,” through her detached and observant youth to a womanhood austere, remote, inspired only by the wor- | ship of essential beauty, is told with an exquisite rightness | of touch that is a continual delight. Mr. HerGmsHermer | has above all else the gift of suggesting atmosphere and | colour (ought I not in mere gratitude to bring myself to | say ‘color’ ?); his picture of Linda's amazing mother and | the rest of the luxurious brainless company of ber hotel existence has the exotic brilliance of the orehid-house, at once dazzling and repulsive. Later, in the course of her married life, inspiring and inspired by the sculptor Pleydon (in whose fate the curious may perhaps trace some echo of recent controversy), the story of Linda becomes aE |

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ecticcaamaaaass ina ' never relaxed. 120

PUNCH, OR THE LOND

ON CHARIVARL

fAveust 11, 1920,

less vivid, though its grasp of the reader's sympathy is In fine, a tale short as such go nowadays, | . : mn but throughout of an arresting and memorable beauty. he state of modern American fiction has, if | may say so with- out offence, been for some time a cause of regret to the judicious; let Mr. Hercesnemer be resolute in refusing to lower his standard by over-production, and I look to see him leading a return towards the best traditions of an honourable past. It is not an impossible conception that Sniping in l'rance | (Hurcuson) will still be available in libraries in the year | deadly-earnest big game | Major H. Heskern Pricwarp, | | D.8.0., M.C., his skill, —— | is stronger than his knowledge | of history. | a new class of shooting for him | to try his hand at, he will hasten 2020 a.p., and I can imagine the title then catching the eye of some enthusiastic sportsman, whose bent for game

| sailors of Spain, and of Spaniards, in particular the Valen. ‘cians and Catalonians. Signor InaXez’ method is distinctly discursive; he gives, for instance, six-and-twenty consecutive pages to the description of the inmates of the Naples Aquarium and is always ready to suspend his story for a lengthy disquisition on any subject, person or place that interests him. This puts him peculiarly at the mercy of his i transliterator, who has a positive genius for choosing the |wrong word and depriving any comment of its subtlety, jany well-made phrase of its distinction. Even plain narrative such as the following is none too attractive :— “The voluminous documents would become covered with

\himself with the dates in order that the end of the legal dust on his table and Don Esteban would have to saddle

Feeling that here is to acquaint himself with the| details and will discover that | Tera 0 may say so without the first of the essentials is a | H iaaksee et | N uminid offence, Mr. Encar Ri Bur- European war in full blast. | til i Pia unity ROUGHS reminds me a little of | Whether or not he will see his} a Wi ! x those billiard experts who, hay- | way to arrange that for himself, | I don’t know and, since I shall | not be present, I don’t care. | But in any case he will be ab- | sorbed in an eminently scientific | and indeed romantic study of | perhaps the most thrilling and | hunt ing there has ever been, and he will be left not a little impressed | with the work of the author, | energy | and personality. As to this last | he will find a brief summing-up | in the foreword of General Lord | Horne, and he will be able to} visualise the whole “blunder- | buss " very clearly by the help of |

procedures should not slip by.” What ingenuous person autho- rises this sort of translation ” ? ‘authorised If f{ ing evolved a particular stroke, | will continue it indefinitely, to | the joy of the faithful and theex- | asperated boredom of the others, To explain my metaphor, | gather that Mr. Burrovans, having “got set,” to an incre. | dible number of thousands, with an invention called Ja

im, is

now by way of beating | record over the advent John Carter in the red Mars. Concerning these ing volumes there is just say, that either you can read them with avidity or you cart read them at all. From casual observations I « is own ! ives of planet | WnaZ- | | | this to | certain | ynceive |

. Ss = —S | the test to be primarily one of a anne . ag ee ee pas = | youth, for honesty compels a »LAIKLEY, Of the late Lieut. b. oe nayy : f . | middle-age to admit a persona Hap, and of the camera. There | A are | failure. 1 saw the idea : for one | is undoubtedly much controver- ~ | thi "as ever a quarter | ial atter in the book ct } fhe An I s 8 WE WAVE ALREADY OVEI thing no egg was ever a quartet sial matter in the book, whic ; COME THE CHI ILEE WIS TEN assistants, axp |SO full of meat as the Martian must necessarily give rise to the| sia rue Fearsome ) WHICH GUARDED THE couRT- | existence of incom pre hensible most remarkable gun-room dis-| YARD. Wer Have » ) DESTROY THE ONE-EYED GIANT | thpyil]s .j » effect of cussions I can “= imagine| 48 THE BEAD » DRA ALE THE OUTER WALL, SWIM | thrills, _ heighten the < ct oath ttemh Meakhed Celene | oHE MOAT AND TH Horse, Courage. swerr tapy! |Wbich Mr. Burrovous has in- siout - heartec voionel,| yo . | l ARE PRACTICALLY SAVED prompted by his love for the |

vented what amounts to a new

plain soldier-man and his rooted dislike of all specialists, becoming very heated in the small hours of the mornin; | about the paragraph on page 97, in which a division un 1 + 'tU ¢ trained in the Sniping Schools is in passing compare band of “careless and ignorant tourists.” Sehor Inasez’ new novel, Mare N CoNnSTABLI ostensibly a yarn about spies and submarines, its hero a gallant Spanish captain, Ulysses Ferraqut, scion of a | line of sailormen. And there can be no doub anti-German sentiments of this stout fellow his impetuous passion for Frey: service of the enemy, did make | what the translator will persi meaning, One supposes, fuel. is an affectionat the is , even though t Talberg, a Delilah in the um store a tiny island with st in calling combustibles, But more fundamentally it @ song of praise of the Mediterranean anc dwellers on its littoral,

: especially the fiery and hardy | composing-room. |The War Lord of Mars (Mreruven). language, with a glossary of its own, thus appealing to a well-known instinct of b »y hood, but rendering the whole business of a more than Mere- dithian obscurity to the uninitiate. I have hitherto tor- gotten to say that the particular volume before me is called | I may add that it closes with the heroic Carter hailed as Jeddak of Jeddaks, | which sounds eminently satisfactory, though without con- | i | | veying any definite promise of finality. long | t of the proper |

Do Poultry Pay ? “Six Hens for sale, some laying 7s. each.”—Local Paper. You will find three of them as good as a guinea-fowl. * But the germ of Socialism or BZolshevism—however call it—has hardly entered the Polish working-class blood.” : Provincial Paper. | We fear, however, that it has got into our contemporary § Like to

anaes a Seen e maa, sath

Se SAN seni

hi lo

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; 4

| dent, “that it would take four days and nights, seven hours,

ns

Avaust 18, 1920.3 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 121

CHARIVARIA Tue grouse-shooting reports are com- ing in. Already one of the newly-rich has sent a brace of gamekeepers to the local hospital. eee . «“ A few hours in Cork,”’ says a Daily Mail correspondent, “ will convince anyone that a civil war is near. A civil war, it should be explained, is one in which the civilians are at war but the military are not. Lisburn Urban Council has decided to buy an army hut for use as a day nursery. It is this policy of petty in- sult that is bound in the end to goad the military forces in Ireland to re-

“T earn three pounds and fourpence - week,” an applicant told the Willesden Police Court, “ out of which I give my wife three pounds.” The man may be a model husband, of course, but before taking it for granted we should want to know what he does with that four- pence. Searborough Corporation has fitted up and let a number of bathing vans for eight shillings a week each. To avoid overcrowding not more than three families will be allowed to live in one van. “Three times four days,” says a Daily Express report, Parisian has

thrown his wife out of a bedroom win- are being imported in large numbers. It should be pointed out, however, that dachshunds are still sold in lengths.

A contemporary complains of the high cost of running a motor-car to-day. It is not so much the high price of petrol, we gather, as the rising cost of pedestrian,

The police, while investigating a case of burglary in a railway buffet, dis- covered a bent crowbar. This seems to prove that the thieves tried to break | into a railway sandwich. Mexican rebels have been ordered to stop indiscriminate shooting. It is feared that the supply of Presidential

prisals. * Who invented rail- | ways? "asks a weekly 1 paper. We can only | |‘ e say we know some- body who butted in later. “Mr. Churchill,” Says a contemporary, ‘has some friends still.”” It will be no- ticed that they are very still. “Tt may interest your readers toknow,” writes a correspon- fifty-two minutes and

| Candidates is in dan- | ger of running out. | “A Mancheste | octogenarian has just %\|married a woman of fameieet |cighty - six,’ says a Hh Ne ihe oe pxiges item. It should ry van “4 Hider p By \ be pointed out, how- ever, that he obtained her parents’ consent.

Although the old | penny bun is now sold | for twopence or even threepence it contains three times the num- ber of currants,” an nounces an evening paper. This should mean three currants | in each bun. | YS 4° ake} ie Se ~ Imsge4se_ A parrot belonging \to a bargee escaped jnear Atherstone in

Coloured grocery sugars, the Foop | ConTROLLER announces, are to be freed from control on September 6th. <A coloured grocery is one in which the} grocer is not as black as he is painted. A conference of sanitary inspectors at Leeds has been considering the ques- tion, “When is a house unfit for habi- tation ? The most dependable sign is the owner ‘s description of it as a “charming old- work 1 residence.” The Warrington Watch Committee, says a news item, have before them an unusual number of applications pawnbrokers’ licences. of any protest from the Sleeve Links and Scarf Pin Committee they will probably be granted. ne

VOL. CLIX,

| | } | for | In the’ absence | | | | | | stud ten seconds to count Exasperated Partner, “Look HERE—DON'T YOU EVER GET YOUR SERVICE INTO one day’s circulation | TE BIGHT « a , i. of 7 ” ’artner. ** N« MATTER ( “ACT ON T. UT WOUL sE SSOLUTELY of The Daily Mail. Partner ), AS A MATTER OF FAC DON'T sUT IT WOULD BE ABSOI I : : : UNPLAYABLE IF I rp Holiday-makers wait- ing for the shower to blow over should ‘praia Later reports point out that all certainly try it. F s now quiet, as the fellow has found his collar- “Who Will Fight For England?” asks a headline. To avoid ill-feeling a better plan would be to get Sir Ertc GEppEs to give it to you. A noiseless gun has just been in- vented. It will now be possible to wage war without the enemy complain- ling of headache. ‘Everyone sending clothes to a laundry should mark them plainly so that they can be easily recognised,” advises a weekly journal. It is nice to know that should an-article not come back again you will be able to assure yourself that it was yours. At the present moment, we read, dogs Warwickshire last week and has not yet been recaptured. We understand that all children under fourteen living in the neighbourhood are being kept indoors, whilst local golfers have been sent out to act as decoys. It is announced that a baby born in Ramsgate on August 6th is to be | christened “Geddes.” We are given to understand that the news has not yet been broken to the unfortunate infant.

The Result of a Leap-Year. ys he will not able to | proposals for engagements | summer of 1921.”—Local Paper * Bishop - $a consider any more till after the be An Ecno From Bisitey.—A musical correspondent writes to point out that sol-faists have an unfair advantage in the running-deer competition, because they are always practising with a

‘* movable Doh.”

Page 172

CHARI | OR THE LONDON aa PUNCH, | FROM SPA AND SHORE. | AMONG THE PEDESTALS. | | GRoGTOWN All available accommo-| THe rumour that a number of Lor | i dation has been monopolised by Glas | don s statues are to be moved to make | borough visitors, among whom this | room for new has caused many a marble | making { that Sn Monn has few friends in les Not the least and on gathered alarmingly | heart to beat faster Sixtv charabancs | a and the Riot Act} ALFrep resort is becoming more popular every yea! art ived on Monday } round ol calls | was read several times before the pas- | stone or bronze cir | sengers could be induced to desist from | uneasy George LIV. in Trafalgat | their badinage of the residents, most | Square. Uneasin body he has al- | with- | | | of whom have since retired behind t wavs known, riding there for eve)

wire-entanglements at Kelrose rhe] out anv st ips; but now his mind ts} municipal orchestra was subjected to a luneasy too If they take Fathe brisk fusillade of rock-cakes on Saturday | from Cockspur Street,” he argued very night: the conductol and several of the | naturally voy not me? instrumenta suffered contusions, | A few of the figures feel secure of} and thei pe riormances have since been | course Hut very tew Nelson on bis | discontinued This has not unnatur-|column has no fears; Nurse Cavell ally given rise to a certain amount of} too recent to tre mble: so is Abraham |} | dissatisfaction ymongst the visitor but | Lancolr But the others? They are | otherwise there has been no recruce lin a state of nerve uspense wonder- | | cones ol noting \ company of thely if t entence of bar hment is to | Caithne s Highlanders, with machine fal | rese ! nv disturbance of guns, are now encamped on the links, | the j suis, 7'y reste” is their | and sunshine is all that is needed to| mott | complete the success ol the seasol! Abrahatr Laine nhgave me a he ty KEGNESS On Tuesday the Mavor |! welcome nd extended an invitation | presented a jar of whisky, fifty year that is not within the power of any old, to the winning charabanc team | other graven imavein the city Take | in the bottle-throwing competition, and | a chair,”’ he said the subsequent COTY afforded muci Lad 1S8oO and ar { is ] ippose, the | | diversion \ notable feature at present | first Londoner to put that comfortable | ae ‘ is a large whale, which was washed g piece « | nit e to its proper use ashore in a gale about six months ag ‘How do you like being here?” The oldest inhabitants declare that | asked they have never known anything like! He said that he enioved The only | it, and it is certainly an unforgettable | blot on | pleasure was the fear Lhat experience to be anywhere within aj] the and he fund him Tin ’s leaps and bounds fall on mile of this apparently immovable dere- | therefore oped that Th liet Exeursions to all SUTTOUNCINGE | was p pres ne py places out of nose-shot are extremely! His immediate 1

popular, and the beach is practically | contrary, exhibited no serenity what deserted save by a few juvenile natives | ever, and I found ¢ inning and Palme | engaged in the blubber industry ton shive ith apprehension in | Mupwatn Spa.—Without the least | their frockeoat The worst of it was reflection on chalvbeates and the rest it l« iid vnothing toreassurethem : . it must be allowed that the most popu Here and re, however, a desire for . : lar bever age in Mudhall at present 1 locomotion was ¢ kpressed Dr. John that which dr: and not rife at all hours V8 Its virtue trom a cereal | son, in the enclosure behind St Hilarity is restive, | effort to enlist | he would object. to Clement a mune aed asked him if source and the

E : |

the daily collisions between the Hydro- | his time In the contemplation, from an pathic League and the Anti-Pussy-Foot- | unvas atable j : street to} Guards are steadily increasing and now | + position, of a fa ht BO Vy he perambuiation of which he devoted | compare Tayou! ibly with those of any many of his | ippiest hours,”’ other Midland heaith-resort | | ventured to agree : Nor, ‘continued the sage, "is it a A Bovlst (Massachusetts) farm labourer | ource of contentment to a man of in- 18 said to havt hes dentified a re £400,000 estate at starches have bet of the heir i te rit ; | “TILY Dundte, for whom | : _ : f i made for years, but nothing os is known at Dundee of such an estate.’ to observe an unceasing pro- Way to hostelry tl and prosperity out ot a ythical association with himself and be unable Americans on their i yartake of pi \ 4 { | P LAK pudding In a Daily Paper, | has made its name But this lucid paragraph s hould help | to clear up the m ystery. 3 : to correct the error.” lof anarble i that hardly | around you ; | statuary is owing to its difficulty | would jupon a carrot i delight Mr. | outside }moved into the House . Va Mghnbours, on the} wou n removal, ‘Sir,’’| le kil ’ nearly killed twice, and my wife wa ercome hody of local volunteers to control ‘ tel a , FP ' ~e ’ L, e Lexx ographer (45 DiS] with fright C. T. C. Gazette the exuberance of anti-Sabbatarian ! is made him), “ I should de-| ‘charabankers is meeting with un-|rive satisfaction from it \ man cannot ‘In a competition at Claygate, Surrey, expected support Ihe CASUAILIECS n be « Y dered a enviable who spend ul] | tres ch Idren caught 18S gre VT VARI. fAvaust Ls, 1920. Are you in So statuary general nh lave I made bold LO ash ‘Painting,’ said he, “ consumes] labour | not disproportionate to its etlect: but | fellow will hack half a year at a block | } to make something atone | resembles aon look at me The Look | value of | You not value the finest head eut But one effect of this Gens among the statues is Post should AsguitH. Cromwell, now Westminster Hall to be TOM) ul Pood, and

FLOWERS’ NAMES. MARIGOLDS As Mary was a-walkiny All on a summer day,

The flowers all stood curtse uy And bowing in her wa The blushing poppies hung tli heads And whispered Marky's nami \nd all the wood anemone Hung down their heads in shame The violet hid behind her leaves And veiled her timid face And all the flowers or holy was the plac e Only a little common flows Looked boldly up and smiled bowed «he To see the happy mother come A carrying her Child The little Child He ‘lo see the smiling flowe) And as He laughed the Marigold Turned gold in that same ti laugher aioud lor she was gay and innocent He loved to see her s« \nd from the splendour of His face She caught a golden gil

An Optimist. | “T have just cc mpleted atl on @ tandem, and can recommend f a holiday as the best I know of One inday in without exaggerat

ti } tour < = June | Daily Pape wlieved that they not have i It is } i been car ught ul the »V had not beet ms ‘rom a recent Admiralt | | would ereen Oras “Approval has been given for frocks to be issued to N.C, Officer and me (Royal Marines) during the current year, f alking out purposes only It is believed that His Majesty at | have received the order without enthu- mention Jolhes siasm, on the ground that no is made of anything being inside the frocks,

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Avaust 18, 1920 ‘ 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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JLAST. ONO I HAVE THE T, OWING TO 5 I MAJESTY, J YOUR TO DISTURB SORRY TO 'M SITES “] Sirk Auerep Monon. OF re ‘SHORTAGE DF 4 SHORTAG % 4 La i Lk pt ding that ‘ 4 INDEE , inclu OF SIGHTS, {It is understood that a number of London statue the Office of Works to make room for new ones | IIL, GEORGE s removed by to be at our ur in Cockap f Guonak ILL,

Ae ae Apa

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| 124 a neremaene A j | | j

‘Took the hooves Fluting thro

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He the ere ut, ] Or ne and ran art Of mi Rain, i one neath the scented pi Or where he, old father Pan, PUNCH, OR

v i | | ‘. ; | \ ee Oe / AN \ . \ & 4 AS i 4 | 2 f | é . i | j ! 4 { 4 | i ] | | i} | « by ‘ » IN vA oi - a om . - ee Y (—) \ - ~$ , I — 2 z | a . ) D = 3; | WEY | " | \\\\ f \\ | AW AY ; le | 7) a oP he : | ‘ —— | j ih . \ ' » S. c ry - ! 1 hha) es | ij tur | i ; i ' | j | A ON } ] y¢ O CA y DEATHERCOLD < BB: L cape train The test team of Australia being now | | Through the h of feast and | complete all correspondence on t! esub- | j ject of its exclusions must cease. We Ay he looked \ eves ¢ jade therefore do not print a nuh ber of Th t re | etters ask ng why there is no one named Geddes on t! e side I M e Parack % % Mr. Fexnper and Honps are said to re il ) Pebble Bay, ibe actuated by the same motto, “ For Goll bathe and boat | Hearth and Home.” Both are pledged Should you see a loaded shay, o return covered with “the ashes.” | In Lhe shalt , scarecrow goat | * * * Tell hi hat you hope (with me | In the recent Surrey and Middlesex Pan will shortly set him free | watch Mr. Sknet bewildered the crowd Pipe | ome to Aready. iby fielding as if he liked it. Hitherto } ———————- i this vulgar manifestation has | 1 Cone | ; an fined to Hrt1 aul NDREN. CRICKET NOTES | fircn and Heni , : ’ ; * % ’ PF. Warner LVOU ¢ Although so late in the s¢ York- | = tons of regret on his reture-/ shire has great hopes of a « rammed | tr first-class cricket. Among} Hirst, who has just joined side é € values not le ast a“ round robin j Hy Wa seen bowling at Eton nd Was n the sparrows at Lord’s, allof whom | secured at once he knows by name. In the score-book x & “ote ic ¢ ow = ‘ } | rm Fate is this entry in letters of gol There is a strong feeling in Worces- | Anno 6 Demini 47 rr rshire that a single-wicket match be- Lone m ; ' | } : } Yew | ong may he live to enjoy the ericket | tween Ler of Middlesex and Mr. Perrin ol others '

| ——l.

' j B i | & + 4 | | i | i ' | | | Fa

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eo ROC OeT 1) Sari nem ae a oe | Aveust 18, 1920.) AT THE PLAY. “THe UNKNowN.’ Mr. SomersET MavuGuam, wh cently intrigued and perhaps just a little > re scandalised the town with a most en gagingly flippant bout an accidentally bigamous beauty +) and piquant farce all PUNCH, certainly shows courage 1n launching so | | serious & disc USSION Us Th And in in a quite unlike ly interview (but then ull mk unlikely) he defends his right to discuss religt yn") quite openly on the stage. Of too. the silly season ern interviews are Course Wh y should anybody deny that religion lis to the » normally constituted mind, | whatever its doxy, es we tng * sub sget . an absorbing 1 inter r that the Wa yasn't made a breacl reticence ? Whether to making a perfectly good the point ol married Viear unxious to convict a doubting D.S.O | of sin) ask in a full drawing-room con taining the Vicaress, the Doctor and the tg mother and For have you fiancée, fathe stance, perfectly chi oy Aig [ am not so sure Nor whether the War has really added | to bereaved Mis. L ttle oad § bitter | “ And who is going to forgive Giod lf that kind ol ques tion is to be asked at all it might any added force have been asked, and with perhaps more jus } tice, at any time within the historica period be attributed by the Unknown Defend deliberate folly © hereas manly sport in the world, a“‘muddy,mad, stinking, bloody business,” loses the with Vicai faith of his vouth and says so, not bravado but with regret. The with dignity and restraint, but without much understanding and not without some hoary clichés; his wife, with venom (suggesting also incidentally clergy); the old Colonel‘ and his sweet nuns than u ipon John. The indecisive battle sways hither and thither. It i the Doctor who sums up in a compeo- Oe | i 1in a the barriers of British | For the War might reasonably | sound argument for the celibacy of the} always been | | ant thus starkly put upon trial to man’s | | No doubt, however, Mr. Mavenam| i would say the shock of war has (hke any other great catastrophe) tested the faith of many who are personally deeply stricken and found it wanting, while the whisper ol doubt has swelled the more readily as there are many to echo it Major John Wharton, D.S.O., Mé having found war, contrary to his ex pectation of it as the most glorious »} Colo | unselfish wife, with affection; and Sylt a, J hn's betrothed, with a strange passion, defend the old faith, Sy a to] the point of breaking with her lover and getting her to a nunnery—a_busi- ness which will in the end, I should guess, lay a heavier burden upon the OR THE LON mise which would shock the metaphy- sical theologian, but may suffice for the plain man, * God is mereiful but not omnipotent. In His age-long fight against evil we can help—or hinder ; why not help? The signal thing was Miss Haipke Wricut's personal triumph as Mrs Littlewood tation of an inte Cuarurs V. France adds another decent nel to his military repertory. This actol sien plays with distinction and with an art 1s so cleverly concealed as perhaps to rob him of of applause from the unperceptive. Lady Tree made a beautiful thing of the character of Mrs. Wharton, whose simple unselfishness was the best of all Mr. MavaHam's most a very fine interpre- Mr. resting character. ease of which the ®. } his due meed ‘DON CHAR IV ARI. Generous Stranger. “WILL YOU MAVE ANOTHER PINT? (No anst you 1 ANOTHER PINT?” Hodge. “ Dox’? ‘RE ASK ZILLY QUESTIONS, ORDER rr.’ enough ¢ cite passionate anti a very good O'MALLEY impossibly difficult Mr. and Mr. excellent. I piece ol acted part BasIL BLAKIST distinction. Majoi were am monotonously approving [ am not convinced that AM'S expe! arguments for the defence. Hianetr nobly restrained himself from making a too parsonic parson, yet kept the distinctive flavour to ex clerical behind me into clamorously derisive laughter ; work, a difficult, almost an sorry Mr. with RATHBONE'S on's Mr. iment has succeeded. “ Mr. ordinuary de eased Most extraordinuat y. maintained that it w that if he was only slightly dead did not hear the lorry Local Lo MauGH Paper. R. H. Miss a fine Doctor be BO 4 98 extra

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RE | people He studies the Weather Re-

126 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

“ Whic , | take it from me that rain enerateg | THE MYSTERY. } ] ll right 3 j 1e the George and I are two ordinary ll right. Is it fine then l in \ ‘ But isn’t a ev lone a low pressure | a No Heat being generated the air ports every day; I do occasionally. 1V | rises The result of that is that there He thinks he understands meteorology ; |is less pressure at Gann I don't. But lately I felt that I must} “And didn’t you say that B was : “Ts it fine then ? have some explanation of the weather, | high-pressure place | “I've explained already what hap-

| so I asked George to explain it | “Yes pens then. The air from B—— He said, “Certainly; it’s quit ‘Then } es the air co! x fron ‘Do we begin all over again now?” - ' tuft MM j . simple Take wind Wind is caused B manage t iy w-pressure sluul SiOre ics es by differences of pressu ‘ : i ‘T see W ty f i Here il | mo baht \ His piace, \ 5S al ays

“ What ts pressure ? W ho is press ng | planation, but it e too long | raining or just going to 1 what?” to } ird it now Suppose the air is “ Yes, if it starts by being t there, “Pressure is what the barometer|coming from B In a ti-cvclone, | as it did just now, I suppose it is tells you-—not the thermometer; y« ther | “What h ippens if it starts by being must keep the then ometer out of this “All right ] l suppose that cold ‘ Suppose it is very hot in London——" | “ t rushes over to A and fills uy 4 It rains. I ‘ve explained that. The “ Don't be ridict 1s. } the gap There is more p e i \j; cold air cant contain so 1 MOIS Well, suppose es verv he t 4 nd t ? F ’ ‘ place A—_" “Ts it fine t Don't begin that again. What about thermometer out of this B is colder t the air at A s before} had frightfully high press re at “It comes in indirectly But don’t! the air came { IB one tin keep interrupting If it is very hot I don't see “Yes, but it rains so mu t A that at the place A, the air at A rises You Wi ODV t t be.” more al more air rushes I BtoA see?” HH ; to fill up t gap caus ul No.’ | We c sing t int of e} ited Obviously it does. If y light alit being by the rain falling, and ve ou candle—— : Qe ¢ ‘ + . | haar get fri ‘ i, lk Dressl . ‘ 3 a Yes, ves. I do see that Don't tte ; t | stt t | Is Thr } begin about candles ve ns ! t tie yap, and t 1 5 et ng t ao wit concdensatior . Are there anv more } laces lr what we call ' \ SsoOriys n isture Whe! t ~ I I i! at \ whe re ougtit | ‘! I see. | t than when it is cold | “There is « place, D— “No. yo don't It isn’t quite Te qq | | inde sta i ti ; } VW ‘ happens there?’ simple as that. Now, the atoms: Why s the water con- | litions are favo hl the ushing from B t don’t go st ti de ondary a | rushing from | \ on't g é on of secondary depre ns there, but they travel in—in sort of ; : d ere ao \% ! “aiv v3 | hope vou ; PF } and round against the clock, hike that. |\ cold dav after the ny” gh they are called evclones. or denrescio hast mint % ‘ “thea j iN e. bile eve pre Yes. } r i! in' “Sir I ca Wine bett ia or low-press ire svsteme If they “ Voc ‘ i an t aS with the clock, like that, it is an ant ‘No. it +” A gel s one whor ‘ evclone.” “Tt ic py 4 ' = nten nay “Oh!” ‘ ’ oe OE Unfortunately I d not t whom . mae ae t te should be paid for t} t and * What do vou mear O} N { ‘ ’ ; t »_ ff ! : I~ Ni i : Yo Sani j was very spt definition Letter in Da } € “ What I said but go on.’ tat A . |We rather think the printe! mi a lmust | hand in it na Nx W suppose this alr-

Page 177

ING TO THE ARRANGEMENT NOTE 0! ITR Ow | WEDDINGS COME TO AN RE¢ TO AT COUNTRY iES MOSPHERE MESSRS. HARRID ATTEND AND FURNISH ro — a= <q - — maw — <f —- — — 2 ~ —s ~ —_— a — _ <4 THE HAS LED THEATR! APPLICATI OR VOLITY RMS ON PUNCH, BTAINI FRI Ht { 1 ULTY OI CONDITIONS OF YI SIMPLICITY CHORUS OF UE DIFF THE

IED

THE t }D CHAN ICT Avevust 18, 1920. WITH eis: eee EE

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PUNCI THE TRANSMICRATION OF BOWLES. i, OR THE LONDON CHAI friend Sir Hugh the Hairy, who, how- ever, did not seem particularly struck Liart.e Mr. Bowles was very happy | with the suggestion, but made a counter- as long as he was only second mechanic | proposal of maces on horseback at the at the garage of Messrs. Smith Brothers, of High Street, Puddlesby. It was when he became a member of the} : neighbouring lists in three days’ time. Before our hero knew what he was ibout he found that he had agreed. He m naa “ , ttle. CTE Puddlesby Psychical Society that his| got through a deal of heavy thinking troubles began. Up till then he had | been as sober and hard-working a little | man as ever stood four foot ten in his | shoes and weighed in at seven stone} four. But above all he was an expert in rubber tyres; he knew them, I had almost said, by instinct. The Puddlesby Psychical Society be lieves in the Transmigration of Souls. | : coming contest on his way home to his castle, but had fortunately completed his plan of cam- paign before he arrived, for the esquire of his enemy was awaiting him there, demanding to know the details of the He made the condi- tions suggested by Sir Hugh, merely idding that the maces must be smooth und not knobbed, as was customary in As I am not a member myself I’m | the better-class combats of that day. afraid that that is all I can tell you! He then began to make his prepara- | [Aucust 18, 1990. ARI. hole till there be no more breath in thy | vile bodie. Blow me hard and leally, | Blow an thou burst in ye blowinge,”” | Whereupon the trusty varlet blew, Thus it fell out that when the trumpet sounded and the Black Baron of Beay- maris, his foe, rode forth from his sable | | pavilion, armed cap-i-pie in a suit of | | highly-polished steel and bestriding a| black and rather over-dressed charger, | he saw through the chinks of his lowered | visor an object which he would un.- | doubtedly have mistaken for a diminn- | tive observation balloon if he had liyed a few centuries later. In short, Sir | Bowles, having been sufficiently in flated by his now exhausted esquire, | had inserted his valve-pin into the tube | (which he had tucked away and laced | | aboutit. It is a little | difficult at first sight, | perhaps, to see the | connection between | Transmigration and rubber tyres, but if| you will have patience I think I can promise to show you that at least. One night our Mr, Bowles came late from a home | meeting of the P.P.S., fell) ~ asleep at once and > had what he regarded | as ® ‘transmigratory is experience in a retro- | =e gressive sense.’ The} "7 world was not the} world he knew. He! perceived that it was ‘ sundown on the 8th] fo var ee See of August, 1215, that | 4 wmous : snaont ES 1 MI Seca >.” it *j hewas no longer plain | Perspiring American. “Gur! 1 THOUGHT YoU SAID ‘ GARGLE Bowles, but rather Sir | Bors the Bowless, Knight of the Artful Arm, and known to his intimates as “The Fire-eater”’; that he had just been | challenged to fight his seven hundred and forty-seventh fight, and (for the seven hundred and forty-seventh time) he had accepted. Hesoon added to the stock of his information the fact that, | as the challenged party, he had the | choice of time, place and weapons. } He was naturally a little perturbed at first, for the most formidable warrior that he ever remembered fighting was his little sister, whose hair he had pulled when they were children, and the big- gest thing he had ever killed was un- doubtedly the hen that he had run over onthe Boodle Road. He felt inclined, therefore, in the first flush of terror, to propose as the time 1925, as the place Puddlesby Football Field, and as the weapon, motor-tyre valve pins, at two hundred yards. He even got as far as mentioning these conditions to his tions. At first he was considerably | depressed by the entire absence of all rubber, until dire necessity compelled him to find a serviceable substitute in the shape of untanned ox-skins. These he carefully sewed together with his own knightly hands, coating the stitches over with pitch and resin. He was a good workman and did not fail to be ready in time, When the hour of combat arrived he vanished into the painted pavilion re- served for him at one end of the lists, ac- | companied only by his faithful esquire, Hastily he donned his suiting of re- inforced ox-hide, which covered the whole of his person from head to foot, and hung stiffly in folds all round him, Then, holding out a metal tube which was attached to the front of the cos- tume, he presented it to his esquire, saying in the vernacular of those stout times “Ho, varlet! Blow me down yon up like an association | football : and now } emerged upon the lists with a feeling of ela- . tion that he had not / experienced forseveral days. They approached | each other lt was | ~ Uf! | with some difficulty 2 | that our hero wielded | = | his mace, owing, first, | e | “4 | to the inflated condi 1! | tion of his right arm, Pa ! : land, sec yndly, to the d | unaccustomed weight rf yr lof the weapon. His 1) ] |hold also upon his | x lcurvetting steed was a little precarious, and ; . jhe hoped that no one | in the crowd would are we | notice the string that tied his legs together | 29% beneath the horse's belly. If the Baron was surprised at what he saw he made no sign, but, riding straight at his strange antagonist, he dealt him a mighty blow on the left) side of the head, which had quite an | unlooked-for result, The string which | attached our hero’s legs held, it is true, | but he naturally lost his balance, and, being knocked to the right, disappeared | temporarily from the Baron's view. | But the force of his swing was such | that, at the moment when he was head downwards under the horse, he still had enough way on to bring him up again) on the other side. No sooner had he | regained a vertical position than the | Baron repeated the blow on the same | spot and with the same result. a Then the same thing happened again | and again; and indeed Sir Bowles might | have revolved indefinitely, to the intense | delight of the distinguished audience, | had not the string broken at the thirty: | fourth revolution. me r es De a ec etpplO OIE Jp. « Sere $ — Ae ao

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eee Aveust 18, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 129

e 4 j | | } } =: | | Akt A ay 7 ‘ j ene \ ie j } began : glimpses of his adversary had | 1 suppe ae wan te poco a had | temporary got out of order at the first onslaught, | come straight trom a symposium on} “In the Heart of the Albrighton Country, | and he was in total darkness. More- | transmigration that made little Bowles | and i Girent railway eoainiuntesélon: ait over, he soon discovered that the|imagine he had been recurring to | Birmingham, Welyerhampton, Manchester, | | haughty Baron was taking all sorts of | previous existence. I myself should| Bristol and « northern and western | | liberties with him; was slogging him|have thought that the rules of ord, RC suf round the lists; in short, was playing | came required the reincarnation of Sir Evidently a case where evil communi- | polo with him. : | Bors to be a rather more bloodthirsty | ##!0nS corrupt ¢ od spelling, But apart from the physical and | and pugnacious person than our hero; | | mental discomfort of his situation he|and the sequel seems to prove that) From a feuilleton Was not actually hurt, and at length he | little Bowles thought thesame. I think| ‘Before the podgy dealer knew what had | felt himself come to rest. The Baron, | he felt he was not quite the man for | bape on ee ‘ oad poor yrs | worn out by his unproductive labours, | this sort of rough work, even in the| jor mouth to ss vnastens. Gs cee es tien i was thinking. | retrospect of dreams. (Anyway, shortly | defiantly Yes, I will,’ she panted.” So was Bowles. He was just saying jafter his painful experience he with- | Daily Paper. | i to himself, “ Thank heaven | thought | drew his subscription from the Pud-|And then, we suppose, she wrote to | of choosing smooth maces. A spike|dlesby Psychical Society and ceased | the PostMAster-GeNeRAL to complain | } would have punctured the cover in no! for ever to assist at their séances. | of the inefficiency of the service. i oa Pe ateenneeeeenes aS as Aa —- - — —_ - ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | CHARIVARL. {Aucust 18, Junior Partner of Firm (exem D.S.O., Mut AND YET DOD CHANGES IN CLUB-LAND. (By a Student of Manners.) THe Roman satirist sang of poets reciting their verses in the month of \ugust. find as fruitful a subject in the reno vations and decorations of Clubland. Clubs are strange institutions : they vO in for Autumn not Spring cleaning. Happily all Clubs are not renovated at the same time, otherwise the desti- tution of members would be pitiful to contemplate. Even as it is the tem- porary accommodation offered by thei neighbours is not unattended by serious | drawbacks. The standard of efficiency | in bridge and bilhards is not the same: the cuisine of one Club, though admir- able in itself, may not suit the diges- tions of members of another: the op- portunities for repose vary consider- ably. In short, August and September are trying months for the clubman who is obliged to remain in London. | But by October Pall Mall is itself again, and we are glad to be able to state that plea nm bUSt , mentioned twice in despatches f SPEAK THE LANGUAGE? I1 > . "S| If he were alive now he would | ine To duro he War, interviewing applicant for employment, a demobilised officer, and , i three ti ). “You say yor ERE THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS IN I'RANCE SEEMS TO ME YOU WASTED YOUR TIME ABROAD, SiR." in certain Clubs the amenities and com-| ing rumours about the future of the | forts available will be greatly enhanced. | Club may be given with due reserve For example the Megatherium, which | the first, that in the near future women is now in the hands of the decorators, is being painted a pale pink outside, a ~olour which recent experiments have shown to exert n to exert a peculiarly humanising llising influence on persons itable disposition. \ tuous dormit sump- ory is being erected on the top floor, where slow music will be dis coursed every afternoon, from three to seven, by a Czecho Slovak orchestra A root-garden is being laid out for the recreation of the statft of the numerous lifts has been keyed up to concert pitch Steam heat will be the basement to radia- every floor, and each room is being provided with a vacuum-cleaning conveyed from tors on apparatus, a wireless telephonic outfit and an American bar. The renovation of the library is practically complete, the obsolete books which cumbered its shelves having been replaced by the works of Denn, Barciay, WELLS, ZANE Grey and Bennerr. Three interest- f, and the velocity | will be admitted to membership; the second, that Lord Ascliffe has obtained a complete control of its resources; and the third, that its name will be shortly changed to “ Alfred's,” on the analogy of “ Arthur's.” From Smith Minor’s French Paper: “Translate ‘ La femme avait une chatte qui était trés méchante.’— The farmer was having a chat with thirteen merchants.’” “Archbishop Mannix . . . says he anywhere in England except to Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and possibly I ishguard. Daily Mirror. Another injustice to Scotland can go “ But this Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty incurable sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of divorce. Scotch Paper. And so many Scotsmen are incurably sane. } | j ! ;

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 18, 1920 7a ——=.- — Lae TJ s4 #2 r oa WW; oe fe~ ;) ) Le ¥ THE PROBLEM. POLAND {to Vr. LiLoyp (7 FORGE, organizer ft tite Human Chess Tournament). “HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY THE GAME? I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I WAS TO BE A QUEEN, BUT I FIND I'M ONLY A PAWN.”

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neo. vain” —_ silat ee , sepa ERM ctormincsaenin

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\ | | 18, 1920.] AuGusT —————— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI VARL 133 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, Auqust 9th—In an atmo- sphere of appropriate gloom the House of Lords discussed the latest Coercion Bill for Ireland. Even the Lorp Cuan- cELLOR could say little more for the measure than that it might possibly enable some of the persons now in cus- tody to be tried; and most of the other Peers who spoke seemed to think that it would be either mischievous or use- When Viscount Curzon renewed his anti-charabancs campaign and Sir Eric Geppes was doing his best to maintain an even mind amid the con- tradictory suggestions showered upon him, the Ministerial eye was caught by the red gleam from Colonel Werpc- woop’s shirt-front. At once the old rail- way instinct reasserted itself. Recog- nizing the danger-signal and _ hastily cramming on his brakes, Sir Eric ~ sg? | | EE, “FP 2M observed that it would be “a great oy A week ago the Peers decided by very small majority—28 to 23—that there should be no Minister of Mines, but only an Under-Secretary. Lord Pres. now sought to induce them to change their minds. His principal argument was that a Minister would only cost five hundred pounds a year more than a Secretary and would secure the “ har- mony in the coal-trade” now so con- spicuously lacking. The Peers evi- dently thought this too good to be true, GOING TO THE COUNTRY? **T think it would be a calamity if we did anything to prevent the economic use of charabanes.”’—Sir Eric Gevprs, First “* Banc.”’ Mr. Luoyp Groror, Mr. Bonar Law, Mr. Batrour, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, Mr. CHURCHILL | Second ,, Sir FE. Gepprs, Mr. SHorrr, Mr. Lona, Sir Roperr Horne, Col. AMERY. Third a Mr. Inuisaworru, Lord E. Tarsot, Mr. Fisner, Dr. Appison, Sir Gorpoxy Hewarr. Fourth ,, Mr. Ketxuaway, Sir M. Bartow, Sir L. Worraineton Evans, Sir A. G. Boscawen, Mr. Towyn Jones. Fifth ms Sir Hamar GreeNwoop, Mr. Batpwiy, Sir James Craic, Mr. Dents Henry, Mr. Neau. Sirth - Mr. Mostacv, Dr. Macnamara, Mr. McCurpy, Mr. Ian Macpuerson, Sir A. Monn, less. The only confident opinion ex-| calamity” to prevent the economic use |for they proceeded to reassert their pressed was that of the elderly Privy Councillor, who from the steps of the Throne ejaculated, “If you pass this Bill you may kill England, not Ireland.’ But despite this unconventional warn- ing the Peers took the risk. The event of the day in the House of Commons was Colonel WEpGwoon’s tie. Of ample dimensions and of an ultra- scarlet hue that even a London and South-Western Railway porter might envy, it dominated the proceedings throughout Question-time. Beside it Mr.Crat bE Lowrner’s pink shirt paled its ineffectual fires. of the charabances. Tuesday, August 10th.— As Lord Great Chamberlain, and therefore offi- cial custodian of the Palace of West- minster, Lord LINCOLNSHIRE mentioned with due solemnity the regrettable in- cident of the day before. Lord Curzon thought the offender (the Right Hon. A. CaruisLe) should be allowed to ex- plain his behaviour, and suggested that he should himself address to him a suit- able letter. Several noble lords—antici- pating, no doubt, that, whatever else came of it, the correspondence would fur- nish lively reading—said “ Hear, hear.” previous decision by 48 to 23. There was a big assemblage in the Commons to hear the Prine MInistTER’s statement on Poland. The Duke of York was over the Clock, flanked by the Archbishop of CANTERBURY on one ind Messrs. KAMENEFF and Krassin (who sound, but do not look, like a music-hall “ turn’’) on the other. Some facts bearing, more or less, on the situation were revealed at Question- time. Mr. Cuurcatnu denied that he had ever suggested an alliance with the Germans against Bolshevism, and, as we are keeping the Watch on the Rhine side

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134 with only thirteen thousand men three thousand more than it takes to | garrison London—perhaps it is just as well. He has, I gathered, no great opinion of the Bolshevists as soldiers. In his endeavour to describe the dis- gust of our troops in North Russia at being ordered to retire before“ an enemy they cordially despised’ he nearly dis- located his upper lip. For two-thirds of his speech the Prime MINISTER was the sober states- man, discussing with due solemnity the grave possibilities of the tusso-Polish crisis. The Poles had been rash and must take the consequences. We should not help them unless the Jol- shevists, not content with punishment, threatened the extinction of Poland's independence. Then his mood changed, and for a sparkling quarter of an hour he chaffed the Labour Party for its support of the Soviet Government, an unrepresenta tive self-appointed oligarchy. To make his point he even sacrificed a colleague LENIN was an aristocrat, TROTSKY a journalist. “ In fact ""—turning to Mr. OnurcHILL — “my right honourable friend is an embcdiment of both.” A brief struggle for precedence be tween Mr. AsquirH and Mr. ADAMSON ended in favour of the who doubted whether the best way t ensure peace was to attack one of the parties to the dispute, and proceeded to make things more or less even by vigorously chiding Poland for her aggres Mr. Crynes, while admittin that the Labour Party would have to reconsider its position if the indepen dence of Poland was threatened, still maintained that we had not played a straight game fron SLon. ’ Russia. Later on, through the medium of Lieut.-Commander Kenwortuy, com munication was established between the Treasury Bench and the Distin- | guished Strangers’ Gallery. Mr. Luoyp GEORGE read the terms offered by the Soviet to the Poles, and gave them a| guarded approval Wednesday, August 11th.—A Bill to prohibit ready-money betting on foot- ball matches was introduced by Lord | ;, GAINFORD (who pl ived for Cambridge | forty years ago) and supported by Lord MEATH, “a most enthusiastic player of a still earlier epoch. The Peers could not resist the pleading of these experts | und gave the Bill a second reading ; but when Lord Garsrorp proposed to rush | it through goal straightaway his course was barred by Lord BirrkenHeap, an efficient Lord “ Keeper.” A proposal for the erection at the public expense of a statue of the late Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN furnished oeca- sion for the Prore Mrxister and Mr. EX-PREMIER, | OR THE LONDON just | AsqurrH to indulge in generous praise | of a political opponent. Mr. Luoyp | GEORGE (with his eye on the Sovietists) | pointed out that, as this was “essentially to honour “a great Parliamentarian" Mr. Liuoyp GEeorGE) selected for special note among Mr. CHAMBERLAIN’s char- that he “no blurred acteristics had edges.” A humdrum debate on the Consoli- Fund Bill was interrupted by news dation 1 M the startling that France decided, in direct ¢ pp sition to the policy announced vesterday by the PriwE MINISTER, to give immediate recognition to General WranceL. Mr Lioyp GEORGE « xpressed his * and anxiety ze that there misunderstanding. ‘Te surprise and could only suppose unfortunate ] } rial been an ‘ A DISTINGUISHED STRANGER M. KRASSIN CONT! LATES TH | | t postpone | its holiday and adjourned till Monday i i } ' More Headaches for the Historian. | Messrs IKKAMENEFI ana KRASSIN, the | Soviet envoys, were inthe Disting Strangers’ Gallery during the Prime MINISTER'S speech ¢ n Poland last w sek ry word of Lloyd George. nt speak or under His lle ague do stand English, so Kras every few minut leaned over and whispered a translation int the other's ear.”— Star, “The 8 Hence these tears : “Tn conversation they seem to betray only a | dimuited acquaintance with English, but eve: } : : : | word of Mr. Lloyd Cx rge s utterance seemed le to them, Not only did they follow | him with eager inter but often with an jn ated comment.”—Krening Standard |} “The two did not exchange a single remart | durit g the whole of the Preinics peech .” ] | ' Cohn Ne * Kragsin could follow eve | viet envoy especially and | M. Krassin i | take more mterest in the seene than in the J | | seemed somewhat restless. el! words of the Prime Pall Mall Ge ette, speech, but this I heard attributed to tl } le f } +1 mcuit in followir @ bie d Minister.” CHARIVARL a Parliamentary country,” we did well | and the BEx-PREeMIER (with his eye on | give time for its | neuished | 1 appeared to } 18, 1920, a BLEWITT ON REAL PROPERTY. 229th ed., folio, 2 vols. (Sour and Taxwell, 85s.). ALL persons interested in this en- | trancing subject will welcome the new edition of Mr. Blewitt’s famous work, | |The book is one which should be found on every shelf throughout the country, and is undoubtedly, in its combination of erudition and artistic merit, one of the masterpieces of English literature, | difficult to take up when once you have }put it down,” and in this judgment most readers will, we believe, concur. It seems needless for us to say thing about so well-known a work, and to say anything new is, we Mr. Blewitt is invariably happy in his choice of subject, and | | impossible. It has been well deseribed by a more | competent critic as one which “it ig | }in this treatise on Real Property his | sparkling wit, his light style and clear- ness of expression do ample justice to the perennial freshness of his subject. | The reader is swiftly carried from situ- ntion to situation and thiill follows thrill with daring rapidity. The plot is of the simplest, but worked out with surprising skill, while the events are related with that vivid imagination which the subject demands. there that does not feel a glow of exal- he comes, upon reversion, into the pro- perty from which he has been long Mr. Blewitt treats this inci lent with a sense of romance and pic- uresqueness of language reminiscent excluded ? of the ballad of “The Lord of Lynn In its facts the ballad bears a striking resemblance to those so graph eally | described by our author, but in point 1of execution } f oetic inspiration which pervades Mr. | Blewitt's book. Nor is his work wanting in pathos. ere are few who will not sympathise with the hero when he diseovers that | tl e life-estate of the fair widow w hom | he adores with all the fierce yearnings lof his passionate soul is subject to a collateral limitation to widowhcod. Mr. | Dlewitt’s silence on the disappoiitinent | Which embittered his spint and the doubts which tormented his mind is more eloquent than any soliloquy ol Hiamiet, It is not however in description but in characterisation that Mr. Blewitt is pre-eminent. We know of nothing in | works of this nature to equal the skilful | psychological analysis, the sympathy lof treatment and the fidelity to nature with which the author draws line by line the character of Q. The description |of him as seised in fee simple is a touch jof genius. We can remember nothing lacks the true breath of | Who is! tution and rejoice with the heir when | ae bermenipe PS iY onc pees: eel

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| regardless of truth and honesty. | 18 very creditable to English scholar- | 228th edition. Avevsr 18, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. Trascible Golfer. **CONPOUND IT! WHAT AM PUTTING?” Caddie. “I THINK IT MUST BE T’OTHER in the English language to compare with this unless it be that brilliant passage in which Mr. Blewitt sketches in a few lightning strokes the character of Richard Roe, a man at once pugna- cious, overbearing, litigious and utterly The learned editors have rendered a great service to the cause of learning in publishing this new edition. The editing ship. The additional matter is a new note on page 1069, in which the reader is referred to an article in a recent number of the Timbuctoo Law Review, which, in fairness to the editor (of Real Property), is not, of course, quoted here. | The student will, we have no doubt, | feel himself fully recompensed by this | hew matter for the price of the new volumes and the depreciation of the “NEW MOTOR-BUS SERVICES. | And t} NERVES ON THE GREEN. Is THAT INFERNAL OIL-ENGINE OR SOMETHING GENTLEMAN'S 'EART, Stir.” GISH-JINGLE. The Tomes mn a recent article on events in the Film world announces the impending arrival in Europe of Miss Dororny Gisu, add- ing, however, that th is mainly under- taken for recreation Let others discourse and deseant Upon Mannix the martyr arehbish, Me rather it pleases to chant The arrival of Dorotny GisH. Among the élite of the Screen She holds an exalted posit.; But in Europe she never has been Hitherto, hasn’t Dororny GIsu. And it’s well to consider aright That she harbours the laudable wish For a holiday, not for the light Of the lime, does Miss Dororny Gisu. None the less with the wildest surmise Do I muse on the bountiful dish Of sensation purveyed for the wise 1e foolish by Dororuy GisH. Residents in the area between the county | Will vou strengthen the hands of LLoyp town and ping at cither place with the maximum of Provincial Paper, mconvenience so far as travel is concerned.” | j Just as in London. are now able to do their shop- | GEORGE Or frown on the poo Coalit. ? | Will you force profiteers to disgorge, ' Beneficent Dororny GisH ? - ACT Sharir THAT BEGINS THUMPING WHENEVER I ) Do you think that headmasters should swish Or adopt Montessorian rules, Jenevolent DorotHy GisH ? Will they give you an Oxford degree ? Will you learn to marmalade fs squish ar Will Kenworruy ask you to tea On the Terrace, great Dorotuy GisH? call Do you favour the Russ or the Pole? Will you visit the Servians at Nish? Ave you sound on the subject of coal ? Are you Pussyfoot, Dorotuy GisH? Are you going to be terribly mobbed When attending the concerts of KRrisH ? Are your tresses luxuriant or “ bobbed” ? Do tell us, kind Dororny Gis! Meanwhile we are moody and mad, Like Sau the descendant of Kisx, Oh, arrive and make everyone glad, Delectable Dorotnay GisH! “ Wanted, Lady Clerk ; one accustomed to milk ledgers preferred.” —New Zealand Paper. 3ut how does ore milk a ledger ?

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| | | 136 PUNCH, OR THE THE BLUE MOUNTAINS. A Sovra Inpran LoveEsona. Wuen the long trick’s wearing over and a spell of leave comes due The most ‘ll go back true ; There’s some that'll make for the Athol glens and some for the Sussex downs, There's some that'll cling to the country and some that ‘ll turn to towns ; But J know what I'll do, and I'll do it right or wrong ['ll just get back to the Blue Mountains, for that's where I belong. Athol’s a bonny country and Sussex is good to see, But it’s long since I left Blighty and I’m not what to be: And May in Devon's a marvel and June on Tummel And that may be most folk’s fancy, but 1% mine; to Blighty to see if their dreams are somehow isn't For I know what J like, and the Land of Heart’s Delight For me is just on the Blue Mountains, for that's where | feel right So 1'll pack my box and bedding in the old South Indian mail And wake to a dawn in Salem ghostly and grey and pale, And over by Avanashi and the levels of Coimbatore I'll see them hung in the tinted more; For I'll know I'm happy and I'll ma Of thanks for the going there. sky ke my m¢ sun on the Blue Mountains rning p! Lvel und me to be “he little mountain railway shall serve me for all I need, The littl t lway shall 3 f lI ] Crawling its way to Adderly, cra vling to Runnymede And the scent of the gums shall cheer me like the sight of a journey s end, And the breeze shall say to me shall hail me “ Friend,” While the clear Kateri River sings loyesongs in my ear, And L’ll feel “* Now I’m welcome here.” “ Brother’ and the hills home Clear in the opal sunset I shall see the Kundahis lie And the sweep of the hills shall fill my heart as the roll of the Downs my eye; And I'll see Snowdon and Staircase and the green of the Lovedale Wood, And the dear sun shining on Ooty good “ ; Vor J ‘ll have what J wanted, and all the worrying done, Because I’m back to the Blue Mountains and they and | are one, ; , and oh! but I'll find it There's peace beyond understanding, solace beyond desire For minds that are over- weary, for bodies that toil a tire, And over all that a something, a something tha * You know, It’s the one place of all places where the gods meant to » Well, the gods know what they know, and I wouldn't them nay, And Blighty of course is Blighty, but it's terri ibly far away, So I'll get back to the Blue Mountains, and the bettin g is, I'll stay. Hi B Says, say Cricket in Wails—A Howling bawled consistently for the Welsh Paper. Success, “KB. H. visitors, wickets of 168.” taking seven and I won't ask for} LON I used | junless it be that of ; fine, | lute ly ibe the means of | lidea of being nothing in particular, or else cricketer, | _ |keep both, as they again! Ah! but I’m| time he arrives at bricklaying maturity. | graduate in Commerce before being eligible, bi be taught that there is a crying need for a ‘DON CHAR LV AR L fAvaust 1920, WHAT TO DO WITH OUR BOYS. Asa sufferer from the prevailing complaint, house-faming, I have started a Correspondence Bureau, « potonsinly for | advising parents as to the pursuits their offspring should | take up, but really for propaganda purposes, the object bei ng the assuagement of this terrible evil. ( ‘onsequently my replies to inquiries are a this end. For instance, one mother wrote from Surbiton “My second son, Algernon, wishes to become a house and estate agent. Do please tell me if you think this quite a fitting avocation for one whose father is a member of the Stock Exchange.” [ replied, “Quite. There is no nobler, and incidentally there are few more lucrative occupations outside Bradford, a builder, in which the scope is abso- unlimited. I am enclosing a copy of last week's Builder and Architect, in which you will find some great thoughts expressed. Pray let pigencn read it. It may inducing him to perform great deeds for iingland’s sake.’ Another fond parent wrote: “Can you adyise an anxious mother as to a career for her only John William? He is at present eight and a-half years old, has blue eyes and fair hair and is a per- fect darling, so good and obedient, but he is firmly to be a lift-man when he grows up.” son, resolved I answered her soothingly thus :— “John Willie is rather young to have made a final de- cision, I think. Let his youthful aspirations run through the usual stages, iitesen. engine-driver, bus-conductor, sailor, ete. At fifteen or so he will have left these behind, und for the next few years will probably settle down to the a professional for good or evil, make blue eyes nor his fair hair give any choice will be, but I should let him may be useful to him. “If he should determine upon a career in Then he will suddenly, his choice. Neither his clue as to what that 1 work, I should take steps to have him initiated into the Art and Mystery of Bricklaying. At the rate we are moving the working-hours would probably be about eight per week, with approximately eight pounds per day salary, by the “It is difficult to say yet whether he would have to it would be necessary, as the best bricklayers, 1'm told, always carry a mortar-board, and there is a sort of caucus in these plummy professions nowadays that is anxious to keep outsiders from joining their ranks. But the country needs bricklayers, Let John Willie step forward when he is old enough.” To the mother who asked if I considered that her young: est boy would be well advised to adopt the Housebreaking | profession I wrote: “To which part t of this profession do you refer the ] Burgling branch I would ask, ‘ oe . I volving manual | | aa ll moulded to | | RRL en i RIE ER acre oe ae it probably | and will go on needing them for years. | ? If to} Has he the iron nerve, | the indomitable will, ¥ ve all has he the brain power for | this exacting craft? Can he stand the ex posure to the night air, the caine before an Assize jury, - the | rigours of the Portland stone quarries?’ If , let him | take a course of illustrated lectures at the cinema. “ If you refer to the other branch, the mere pulling down | of houses, I say,‘No! Athousand times, no!’ He “should — 2 - ps is Sek ————ao constructive, |

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eather — a PEE Raison : } hounds post ; of a Boroug this great of Aveust 18, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LON Little Girl (dow, her best ER PORT WINE FOR, not a destructive policy. drawing-paper and a tee-square at once, a! the noblest work of creation is (unless builder) an architect. still keep the home fires burning | and chimneys imply houses plan houses that will both authorities.’ Lady Jubb wrote more lucrative post, ¢ ficial pre ferred. I replied thus :— “So your son looks no higher than a Mastersh Well, well, ] suppose | things as hounds he, as well as another, of Master. as “But PLL 1 Kl 7h) Jil ‘DON CHARIVARL. i Lady Bountiful. Ro 29 Shail, rathe his implies chimneys from Totley Hall, Blankshire, to s that her elder son (seventeen beyond becoming Master of the | up, but that she was anxious t e should try for some ut I thoroughly approve ¢ fy try for something higher in and what official post 1 Surveyor ? or can be superior to that | Can you not persuade ice is what one chooses to make it, and that, a8 an autocrat, the M.F.H. is hardly to be ec Inpare d to the B.S., for P | few people foolish enough to remain within « . latter can with a breath damn a whole row of houses and | But nothing ’s touched the kit-ba | blast the careers of an army of builders with a word.” r-shot, the} We haven't any G THE QUININE I Gavi SH} ‘YS SHE 5 And so the propaganda procee If my efforts result in ever i ti ink, have earned my have the house. THE »1s fine and free, } ‘ 7 Civil abit | No sergeants shouting, * all day ’ No buttons to be polished, nm And nobody to tick you off beca s great to sleep beneath a rool na ‘o eat a daintier kind of grub t fo rise Oo mornings l not to have to pad i Intent on getting nowhere To realise no N.C.O. [o rob you of your beauty mgot: All this is great, of cou ® | oa | ing ‘reeants ust for n whereas the former can at the most scorch the | Obeying sergeants just tor tun i Wn) it £ ood CXCUse, e being erected I ., though I would TERRITORIAL erow your hair ; 1 €} rain outside, r-blokes proy ue, and when you wish th about vour chin b iIngy BUN OF raln, ' “Was iy ( DUCK ayvaln right Guard to-morrow e we are once more erier than before; tno war to win y yet for pane king troubles Wh

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| comfited, produces for the lucky expert l loaf ; a yr a a Sa il leas | leaf into the palm of your left hand. | against one of the mandarins of the 138 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR er, IVARL [Auaust Ls, 1920, A TASTE OF AUTHORITY. I nave often wished I were an ex- pert at something. How I envy the man who, before ordering a suit of clothes from his tailor, seizes the prof- fered sample of cloth and tugs at it in a knowledgable manner, smells it at close quarters with deep inhalations and finally, if he is very brave, pulls out a thread and ignites it with a match. Whereupon the tailor, abashed and dis- ; = : . | from the interior of his premises that | choice bale of pre-war quality which | he was keeping for his own use, I confided this yearning of mine to Rottenbury the other evening. Rottenbury is a man of the world and might, I thought, be able to help me. “My dear fellow,” he said, “in these days of specialis- ation one has to be brought up in the business to be an expert in anything, whether cloth or canaries or bath- room tiling. Knowledge of this kind is not gained in a moment.” “Can you help me?” I asked. “Ag regards tea, I can,’ he replied. “Jorkins over there is in the tea business. If you like I'll get him to put you up to the tricks of tea-tasting.” “T should be awfully glad if you would,” said I. “ We never get any decent tea at home.” Jorkins appeared to be a man of direct and eflicient character. I saw Rottenbury speak to him and the next moment he was at my elbow. “Watch me carefully,” said Jorkins, “and listen to what I say. Take a little | Rub it lightly with the fingers and | gaze earnestly thus. Apply your nose | and snuff up strongly. Pick out al strand and bite through the leaf slowly | with the front teeth, thus. Just after | biting pass the tip of the tongue be- hind the front teeth and along the palate, completing the act of degluti- tion. Sorry I must go now. Good day.” Now I felt I was on the right track. I practised the thing a few times before a glass, paying special attention to the far-away poetical look which Jorkins wore during the operation, At the tea-shop the man behind the counter willingly showed me numbers ADVERTISING FOR A NEW ADVERTISEMENT FOR THI of teas. I snatched a handful of that which he specially recommended and began the ceremony. I took a little into the palm of my left-hand and gazed at it earnestly; I rubbed it lightly with my fingers; I picked up a strand and bit through the leaf slowly with the front teeth. Just after biting I passed the tongue behind the front teeth and along the palate, completing the act of deglutition. So far as I could judge it was very good tea, but it would never do to accept the first sample offered; I must let the shopman see that he was up JMoths LE GRAND PENSEUR. (With apol gives to the late A uSTE Ropry.) trade. So I said with severity, “ Please don’t show me any more common stuff; I want the best you have.” The man looked at me curiously and I saw his face twitching; he was evidently about to speak. “ Kindly refrain from expostulating,” I went on; “content yourself with showing me your finest blend.” He went away to the back of the shop, muttering ; clearly he recognised defeat, for when he returned he carried a small chest. “ Try this,” said he, and I knew that he was boiling with baffled rage. I took a handful and once more went —— nauseating, but the man was obviously impressed. At the conclusion of m performance I assumed a look of satis. faction. “Give me five pounds of that,” said I with the air of a conqueror, Next time I met Rottenbury I told him of my success. Z | ‘Oh, Jorkins put you up to the trick, |did he?” “Hedid. He taught me to titillate, to triturate, to masticate, to deglute— everything.” * And with what result ?”’ “With the result that I have in my possession five pounds of the finest tea that the greatest experts have blended from the com- bined products of Assam and China,” “Tea?” he asked. “Yes, tea of course. You didn’t suppose that I was talking of oysters?” “Did I tell you Jorkins was a tea-taster?” “Yes.” “Well, then, he's not. He's in tobacco.” * aa * Alured,” said my wife, “T wish you wouldn't buy ithings for the house. That | tea is low-grade sweepings.” -. “Sir Otto Beit has returned to London from South Africa, where he turned the first sot of the new university.”— Daily Paper. Turned him out, we trust. “In a brilliant peroration the Prime Minister warned his hearers that a nation was known by its soul and not by its asses.” South African Paper. a Yet some of our politicians seem to think that England is not past braying for. “ The doings (or rather sayings!) ENTHUSIAST ON HIS HOLIDAY SEEKING INSPIRATION | im the Legislature we are wateh- UNDERGROUND Ratnway. ing with sympathy and some im- ; patience, much as a bachelor bears with the gambling of children who come to the drawing-room for an hour before dinner.” Weel ly Paper. And the worst of it is that the Legisla- ture is gambling with owr money. “Miss , director of natural science studies at Newnham College, Oxford, will preside. Daily Paper. We are glad to hear of this new women’s college at Oxford, but surely they might have chosen a more original name for it. A. G. J. writes: “Your picture of ‘Come unto these Yellow Sands’ in the number for August 4th explains for the first time the obscure following line, through the whole ceremony, It was ‘The Wild Waves Whist.’”’ Wis te Selena Ae SRR

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Oa en Se nase esa AMS LE YRS TOT GE IR es Aveust 18, 1920.] 3 Po OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 139 ae “| HAVE NOT SEEN YOU AT CHURCH FoR TWO SuUNDAYs, JOHN.” No OFFENCE YT’ YOU, BUT OI A-BIN DOIN’ T’ CHAPEL PASSON’S GARDEN, SO MISSUS THOUGHT WE'D BETTER GIVE ‘IM OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’'s Staff of Learned Clerks.) To review one of Mr. E. F. Benson’s social satires always | much as mentioned the word “ Cotswolds.”’ Michael Forth (ConstaBie) will doubtless convey a won- gives me somewhat the sensations of the reporter at the|derful message to those of us who are clever enough to special sermon—a relieved consciousness that, being pre-| grasp its meaning; but I fear that it will be a disappoint- sent on business, my own withers may be supposed pro-|inent to many admirers of Miss Mary Jonnston’s earlier fessionally unwrung. Otherwise, so exploratory a lash... Frankly I confess myself bewildered and unable to I seldom recall the touch of it more shrewd than in (Queen | follow this exeursion into the region of metaphysics; indeed Lucia (Hutcutnson), an altogether delightful castigation of |}I felt as if I had fallen into the hands of a guide whose those persons whom a false rusticity causes to change a| language I could only dimly and dully understand, All of good village into the sham-bucolic home of crazes, fads} which may be almost entirely my fault, so I suggest that and affectation. All this super-cultured life of the Rise-| you should sample Michael for yourselves and see what holme community has its centre in Mrs. Lucas, the acknow-| you can make of him. Miss Jounston shouldered an ledged queen of the place (Lucia = wife of Lucas, which | unnecessarily heavy burden when she decided to tell the shows you the character of her empire in a single touch) ; | story of her hero in the first person, but in relating Michael's the matter of the tale is to tell how her autocracy was|childhood in his Virginian home she is at her simplest threatened, tottered and recovered. I wish I had space to|and best. Afterwards, when Michael became intent on quote the description of the Lucas home, “converted” from | going ‘ deeper and deeper within,’ he succeeded so well two genuine cottages, to which had been added a wing at | that he concealed himself from me. right-angles, even more Elizabethan than the original, and | a yew-hedge, “brought entire from a neighbouring farm and Because I have a warm regard for good short stories and transplanted with solid lumps of earth and indignant snails | heartily approve the growing fashion of publishing or around its roots.” Perhaps, apart from the joy of the | republishing them in volume form, | am the more jealous setting, you may find some of the incidents, the faith-| that the good repute of this practice should be preserved healer, the medium and so on, a trifle obvious for Mr.| from damage by association with unworthy material. I’m Benson. More worthy of him is the central episode—| afraid this is a somewhat ominous introduction to a notice the arrival as a Riseholme resident of Olga Bracely, the | of The Eve of Pascua (Heinemann), in which, to be bru- Operatic star of international fame. Her talk, her attitude| tally frank, 1 found little justification for even such lon- towards the place, and the subtle contrast saggested by her| gevity as modern paper conditions permit. ‘ RicHaRD between the genuine and the pretence, show Mr. Benson at | Dewan” is admittedly a writer who has deserved well of | | books. his light-comedy best. In short, a charming entertainment, ! the public, but none of the tales in this collection will do

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| } | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. meee anything to add to the debt. The best is perhaps @ very “putting it on.” Mr. EVARTS understands, sentimentalises short and quite happily told little jest called “ An Im- less than most interpreters ; seems to know a good deal, pression,” about the emotions of a peasant model on seeing lhe story loses no interest from being set in the American herself as interpreted by an Impressionist painter. here hinterland of a few decades ago. All real animal lovers is also a sufficiently picturesque piece of Wardour Street | should get this book—they should really. medievalism in “The Tribute of the Kiss,’ and some . original scenery in “The Mother of Turquoise.” But be- If it be true art, as I rather think someone has said it ig, yond this (though I searched diligently) nothing; indeed | to state what is obvious in regard to a subject while worse, since more than one of the remaining tales, notably | creating by the manner of the statement an impression of “ Wanted, a King” and “ The End of the Cotillion,” are so | its subtler features, then Mr. Percy Brown, in writing preposterous that their inclusion here can only be attri-| Germany in Dissolution (MELRosE), has proved himself a | when I read what Messrs. Hopper anp Stoucuron’s official buted to the most cynical indifference. true artist. For in Germany about the time of the Armistice and during the Spartacist rising certain things happened It may be my Saxon prejudice, but, though most of the | which got themselves safely into the newspapers, and these ingredients of /rish Stew (SkerrinaTon) are in fact Lrish, | he sets forth, mostly in headline form. and though Mrs. Dorornea Conyers is best known as a | novelist who delights in traditional Ireland and traditional horses, | am bound to confess that I enjoyed the adven- tures of Mr. Jones, trusted employé of Mosenthals and Co., better than Mrs. Conyers’ stage Irishmen. “Our Mr. Jones” is neither a Sherlock Holmes not an Aristide Pujol, | neither a Father Brown nor a Bob Pretty, but nevertheless he is an engaging soul and we could do with more of him. Mrs. Conyers’ hunting [~~ chentéle may much pre- fer to read about the dishonesties of Con Cassidy and his fellow- horse copers and the simple but heroic O'Toole and his super- natural friends. but, as the average Irish hunting men cares little more for books than he does for bill-c illectors, his preference may not be of paramount im- | portance. In any case | 1 the Irish ingredients of Irish Stew would be easier to assimilate ae gical if Mrs. Conyers would refrain from trying to spell Eng lish as the Irish speak it -| | If the reader knows Ireland | it 1s unnecessary and merely makes reading a task, If spelling will reproduce nN single one of the multitudinous brogues that fill Erin with sound and empty it of sense. | On the whole Mrs. Convers’ public will not pointed with her latest sheaf of tales. But it who will give them their money's worth ' the reader does not know Ireland no amount of phi netic | be aisap- is Mr. Jones | I was, I confess, a little sceptical—you know how it is— reviewer said of Mr. Hau. G. by ants’ The Cross-Pull: « The best dog story since The Call of the Wild,” etc., etc. Well, I certainly haven't seen a better. Mr. Evarts’ hero, Flash, is @ noble beast of mixed strain—grey wolf, coyote, dog . = ; © The Cross-Pull is the conflict between the dog and the wolf, between loyalty to his master and mistress whom he brings together and serves, and the wolf whose proper busi ness is to be biting elks in the neck. Happier than most tamed brutes he is inyolved as chief actor in a round up of some desperate outlaws, among whom is his chief enemy and he is fortunate enough to serve the state while to a successful end his bitter private quarrel. | gets and deserves the kind of bite w far-seeing providence for the elk . an author really loves pursuing | srute Brent hich was planned by a .. You ean tell when THE PRUDE | but it provides an amusing and knows animals or is merely Beyond this Ger- many was a seething muddle of contradictions and crosgs- purposes, which, it is hardly unfair to say, are capably re flected in his pages. Mr. Brown is a journalist of the school that does not stick at a trifle, a German prison, for instance, when his dear public wants news. His crowning achievement was to persuade Dr. Sonr, when Foreign Minister, to send through the official wireless an account | of an interview with himself, which would, as } : :, 2 ~~] fondly hoped, help to ibamboozle British public opinion | the article appeared, so |} well had the author's | editor read between the llines of the message | that the journalist had ito run for his life. He | was particularly for- | tunate too, or clever, in | getting in touch with | the Kiel sailors who set Ch ithe revolution going, of the “scoop " inter- view variety, nothing POO ee come of it all, and we ave left at the end about as wise as we started. All the same, much of the book's detail is interesting, however little satisfaction it offers as a whole. NT LO Ann's First Flutter (ALiLeN AND Unwin) will not arouse | any commotion in the dovecotes of the intellectually elect, entertainment for those who can appreciate broad and emphatic humour. HAMBLIN has succeeded in what he set out to do, and my only quarrel with him is that I believe him to have & subtler sense of humour than he reveals here. Ann was grocer’s daughter, and after her attempt to flutter for her- self had failed she married Tom Bampfield, a grocer’s son. Tom had literary ambitions, and was the author of a novel which his father thought pernicious enough to destroy his | Strange however to relate, the novel failed to de- | custom, e (Sor) | When | but in spite of much ex- cellent material, mostly | seems to | Mr. R. A. | | | § | | 3 | | | : . g | 4 } | § | | | | | | | | ca oe stroy anything except the author's future as a novelist, and | when Tom did succeed in making some pen-money it was by means of a series of funny articles in The Dry Goods Gazelle articles so violently humorous that the author's father thoroughly appreciated them. add, is never illnatured. Even bilious grocers will not resent his jovial invasion of their kingdom. “City gunsmiths have Mr. Hampwin’s fun, let me | been busy these days furbishing up sports men's rifles for the * 12th.’"—Scotch Paper. Personally we use a machine-gun, a a — a _ - Li Ww ot p of

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atm mao sean NeBNIT 1 BONES.» STNG EE SIE a Soe SFBAEN tic 2 rR | — 1920.] PU NC Aveust 25, — CHARIVARIA. “Wat we have got to do,” says Lord RoruerMeERE, “is to keep calm and mind our own business, instead of worrying about the affairs of every other nation.” It seems only fair to point out that The Daily News thought of this as we ago as August, 1914, of bantams’ Gooseberries the size eggs, Says a news item, won a prize at the Deeside Horticultural Show. When we remember the giant gooseberries of a decade ago it rather looks as if the nation were losing its nerve. With reference to the messenger seen running in Whitehall the other day a satisfactory explanation has now been given. He was doing 16 for the cinema The average Scot, says an Anti-Pro hibition writer, cannot stand many Just a ti then, of course. stated, of both factions. We have constantly be secured when really worth uniting over. The 7 nes It kind of re sloping is said sidence for a tall man wit shoulders. A corre pondent asks in the press for a new name for char We wi use in calling them names aban: Seaside bathers are advised not te seaside visitor who could pay for sucl a#meal would naturally not have enoug! left to pay for a bathing-machine A Thames bargee was knocked dow: last week A well-known offered to publish his remark nightly parts 3 in fort The We sf a rate-collector on the head with a tele- use for these instruments. ‘* s Sir Ertc Drummonp has purchase the largest hotel in Geneva on behal drinks. Our experience supports this view ; but he can be stood a good many. A picture-paper gossip states that Mr. CHURCHILL enjoys very good health. uch of writer's cramp now and In a recent riot in Londonderry, it is a number of inoffensive neutrals were set upon and beaten by rowdies maintained that Irish unity can always there is something \ lighthouse is advertised for sale in to be just the 1 11 WeECKIY 1 we could think there was any enter the water after a heavy meal. The by & taxi-cab at Kingston-on-Thames firm has Dulwich man who struck in the ¥ Vest of H, OR THE LONDON _CHARIV ARL. 141 of the League of N: tions, ‘It is eaid that he has been taking lessons from Sir ALrrep Monp Following closely upon the announce. ment of the noiseless gun invented in New York comes the news that they have now invented some sound proof bacon for e xport to this ¢ ountry. It is stated that week said he the man who last stood the Rent Act uncle iinet hak me was eventually pinned down by some Knebworth. We are informed how- ever that the player who struck the ball still maintains that the engine-driver deliberately ignored his shout of “ Fore.” An amazing report reaches us from Yorkshire. It appears that a centen- arian has been discovered who is unable to read without glasses or even to walk to market once a week. The unveiling of one of the largest Peace memorials in the country is. to take place on Armistice day this year. We hear that both the Premrer and Mr. Winston CouRCHILL have expressed a desire to attend unless prevented by the War. Smart furriers, declares a fashion- paper, are pushing Beveren blue rabbit as one of the chic furs for the coming d 2 winter. The rabbit, our contemporary goes on to explain (superfluously, as it seems to us), 1s naturally blue. On a recent occasion a meeting of the Dolgelly Rural Council had to be postponed, the members being absent hay-making. Parliament, on the other hand, has had to stop making hay owing to the Members being country. away in the The Ministry of Food states that the period of normal supplies seems to come round in cycles of four Mean while the period of abnormal prices continues to come round in eyeles of lonce a week \ movement in favour | of postponing the cycle of payment | till we get the cycle of plenty is not receiving adequate upport years. provision trace labourers near Peter W ork [rishinen on the ground that the latter Agricultural borough have refused to | | | Ca : G » pounie-srxy | are troublesome, We always said that ali i i { |} DOUBLE-FPIVE NINI CENTRAI AND GET IT | sooner or later someone would come »| QUICK, LIKE THEY DO [fT ON THE PICTURES. lround to Mr. Lioyp Grorer’s view on 1 | friends 1 | his relatives } to be Antaretic expediti nis hortly very os 1ose who can stand all four sides need apply ; repol ted ut a poultry farmet th 8 | tin lfortune by giving his hens whisky te phone claims credit for finding some a and then - ting their eggs to » United Stat 1 A golf-ball ws peas bop mthrough|It is xpress train near fithe window of an VOL. CLIX and handed over to the care of organised We understand that only a northern wind | According to a morning paper another | } | England is making a this point A newspaper reports the case of a waiter who refused a tip. It is said that the gentleman who offered it is making a slow recovery and may be able to take a little The Growth of the Side-Car. ‘Moron Car CYCLES, &C., ArGyYLu.—2 Bedrooms and sitting-room, with attendance.” fish this week Scotch Pape r, ) “ BRIGHTON PALACE ELECTRIC RAILWAY. Prer anp Kemp Town Cars EVERY Five Years,” Tocal Paper inferred that the Transport has assumed control. Ministry of from the | with | ) / | |

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ttaneatehetncaan aaa tennant: AN APOLOGY TO THE BENCH. Humbly addressed to T. E. S. Ir ever. where you hold the Seat of Doom, I stand, my Lord, before you at the Bar, And my forensic fame, a virgin bloom, Lies in your awful hands to make or mar, Let it not prejudice my case, I pray, If you should call to mind a previous meeting ti When on a champion course the ot aay [ gave your Lordship four strokes and a beating I own it savoured of contempt of court, Hinted of disrespect toward the Bench That | should chuckle when your p tech was short Or smile to see you in the sanded trenc! But Golf (so 1 extenuate my sin) Brings all men level, lke the greens they putt on One common bunker makes the whole world k And Bar may scrap with Beak, and I with Scr-T?-N Nor did I give myself superior airs; p I made allowance for defective sig! ‘The bandage which impartial Justiec wea Leaves vou,’ I said, ‘‘a stranger to t hgh Habituated to the sword and scales, If you commit some pardonable blunder, If gl i remarked) “your nerve at moments fail With grosser ironmongery, where's the wond So may the Law’s High Majesty o’erlook My rash presumption; may the memory « Of how I won the match (and further took The liberty of mopping up the bye emember just a happy morning’s round, R ber just a | ng 1 Also the fact that this alleged old fogey Played at the last hole like a book and downed The barely human feat of Colonel Bogey. 0.8 IF WE ALL TOOK TO MARGOTRY. {[Mrs. Asquirn’s feuilleton, which for so many people has trans- formed Sunday into a day of unrest, sets up a new method of aut ing reminiscent works of the future which, but for the chro» is not in their present interlocutory shap I. From “First Arp to Literature.” By Edmund Gosse . . « Not the least interesting and delicate of my duties as a confidential adviser were connected with reminiscences which created some stir in the twenties. How it came about I eannot recollect thought that my poor assistance as a friendly too florid exuberance in eandour might not be of disservice to the book, and | aceapted the invitati ion The being by no means yet relegated to oblivio n’s du I am naturally reluctant to refer to it with such particu larity as might enable my argus-eyed reader and my own unworth Ly share therein, and therefore in the following dialogue, typical of mz uny between the author and myself, | disguise her name under an initial. VYuts custo- diet ? It we a Wi rK lineteen- , but it was censor of a volume sty shelves ] et? ild be grotesque indeed if one whose special mission was to correct the high spirits of others should himself fail in good taste. “2 PU} NCH, “OR. THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARI. | biography, in which the protagonist is, so to speak, both JoHnson and BosweE.. too Peels nm od Is being always imitated we may expect to see a general use of her lively methods; and as a matter of fact | I have been able already, through the use of a patent futurist reading glass (invented by Signor Margoni), to get glimpses of two forthcom tique of the moment might never have been written, and certainlv | to identify it | Mrs. A. (laying do wn the MS. w ith sy ta /). ; see nothing but blue pencil marks, and blue was never my colour. Why are you so anxious that I should be discreet? discretion is the better part of authorship. Epmunp (earnestly). It is your fame of which 1e best book ot remit to history as the writer of t in English. Mrs. A. (rita Jerve ur) ] don’t want to go down to | history. I want to stay here and make it. And you (with enu tion) you have cramped my style. I can t tl! ink why I asked you to help. Epmunp. Everyone asks me to help. It is my destiny, lam the Muses’ amicus curie. Mrs. A. Oh, blow Latin! (Lighting two cigarettes at once) ee ———- —_ . [I am thinking. If you adopt my emendations you will go down 7. scences ———— asian st 25, 1990, In- What's the go ul of reminiscences of to-day , by me, without | anything about L.G. ? Epmunp. Dear lady, it would never have done. Be rea- sonable There are occasions when reticence is in perative M: s a Reticence ! What words you use! (Celera desunt.) Il. From “A Week is Lovety Lucerne.” By dD. Lloyd Creorade. . » » Ido not say that the mountains hereabout are not more conside rable than those of our own beloved Wales, but as material to be employed in perorations they are far inferior. There is not the requisite mist (which may symbo- lise ignorance or obstinac y or any temporary disturbance or 3 position), later to be dispe lied by the strong beams of the | able to translate his ameliorative plans into action! attempt to link Radicalism and Coalitionism—how + un (represe nting either progress generally or prime-minis- | terial genius or pure Coalitionism). Other local features ] felt, however, I might find rhetorically useful, such as THor- WALDSEN’S Lion, so noble, so—so leonine, but doomed ever to adhere to the rock, how symbolic of a strong idealist un- The old bridge too, uniting the two sides of the city, as one can long could it endure? And soon. One's brain was never idle. = was while we were at Lucerne that Lord Rippe.t | ° 1 1 I had some of our most significant conversations. I | set ion down just as they occurred, extenuating nothing }and concealing nothing. |form to-day. Lucerne now has two lions—one of | free. Davip (surprised), I free? (Sadly) You forget GIOLITTI is coming. with your Italian and he will soon go. Tevu’s Chapel ? the word chapel. Let us go there. And Wi.iAM was he not a patriot? Did he not defy the tyrant? sure that in his modest conventicle I can think thousand eloquent things. Let us go there. Lord Ripe ut. My hero! my dauntless hero! = ' E. who acc “om plished a remarkable round of 17 to le ad the fi id.” This is believed to be the first occasion on which any has accomplished two holes in one shot. te) x ——= Lord RippELt (with emotion). You are in excellent them that Lord Rippery, But that is nothing to you. Try him Davip. You are a true friend. You always hearten me. Lord RippEwt (with more emotion). But you are 80 k of | Wonde rful, so wonderful! And now for to-day’s amusements. Where shall we go? U Pp Mount Pilatus or to WILLIAM Davip. There is something irresistible to a Welshman in TELL, I am of a V. L * Even with a round of 73 in the morning Ray fell behind Vardon, Provincial Paper. golfer

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Avaust 25, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 145 thing in return.” Angela is younger than I am, but she often thinks quite clever things like that, and they eome in very useful sometimes. We went to the summer-house in the garden to make plans. First we thought what would be the best pre- sent to give Father. Last Christmas we gave him a pipe, and he said that it was just what he wanted; it cost ninepence and was made like a man’s head, and you put the tobacco in a hole in his hat. Father lit it at once after breakfast, but two days after 1 saw Jakes the gardener smoking it. We thought at first that he had stolen it, and I went to Father, but he said that Jakes had thirteen children, and when a man was in trouble like that you ought to give up what you valued most to try to make that man happy, and that Jakes was awlully pleased when he gave him the pipe. You see that made it very difficult, as we had to get something that Father would like and Jakes too, as he still had thirteen children; and then I re- membered that Mrs. Jakes had once looked at a woollen jumper that I had on, and said that it would be just the thing for her Mary Ann, who had a deli- cate chest, and Jakes would be sure to like what Mrs. Jakes liked, or else he wouldn’t have married her. Of course a jumper wasn’t really the sort of thing that Father could wear, but I thought he might wrap his foot up in it when he next had gout, and besides I shouldn’t be wanting it much more myself, as the summer Was coming on. Angela said that she thought that would do well, and she wouldn't mind giving Father her jumper next month if he said “ Rabbits,” and it would do for Mrs. Jakes’ next little girl. So that was decided, and then we had to arrange the plan. The most import- ant thing was for us to wake before Father, so that we could wake him and remind him before he had time to say anything else, and Angela remembered that Ellen, that’s the housemaid, had an alarm clock, which she used to set at a quarter to six each morning. We waited until Ellen had gone down- stairs and then took it and hid it in Angela’s bed. Next morning the clock went, off. We were both rather frightened, and it was very cold and the room looked funny, as the blinds hadn’t been pulled up, but we put our dressing-gowns on. Then Angela said that she had heard that if you woke a person who was walking in their sleep they sometimes called out, so I took a pair of stockings from the basket that had just come back A it hl ihe “Look "ERE—THIS ARF-CROWN WON'T DO. “Bry! nor ir ’as! Ir AIN’T GOT NO MILLING ON ITS HEDGE.” I xnew 1’D FORGOTTEN SOMEFINK.” from the wash to hold over Father's A eeeeeeeeecneene mouth while we woke him. They were waiting to be mended and had a hole in them, but that didn’t matter much, as I screwed them up tight, and then we went into Father’s room. They were both asleep, and Father had his mouth open all ready for the stockings, which was very lucky, as I was won- dering how I could get them in. We crept up to the bed, and I know I shivered, and I think Angela did too, as I was holding her hand. Then she called out ‘ Boo’’ as loud as she could, and I stuffed the stockings into Father’s mouth, and then they both woke up, and everything went wrong. Mother thought the house was on fire and screamed, and it made Angela begin to cry. I quite forgot to tell Father to say ‘“ Rabbits,” and just pressed the stockings further into his mouth. Father struggled and made awful noises, and when he did get the stock- ings out the things he said weren’t a bit like ‘ Rabbits,’ and the only thing that he did say that I could write down here was that he thought he was going to be sick. The rest was dreadful. We were both sent back to bed, and that morning as a punishment we were not allowed into the dining-room until Father and Mother had finished their breakfast ; and Angela, who often thinks quite clever things, said that we had better not do “ Rabbits” again for a good long time. But after all it didn’t matter much as the weather got a great deal colder, and I wore my jumper a lot, and so did Angela. FLOWERS’ NAMES. Dame's De.iaat. THERE was a Lady walked a wood; She never smiled, nor never could. One day a sunbeam from the South Kissed full her petulant proud mouth ; Shelaughed,and there, beneath thetrees, Fluttering in the April breeze, Spread tracts of blossom, green and white, Curtseying to the golden light— The broken laugh of Dame's Delight.

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cccanasnnapitaaenisnaitie tt ll lll DA Ol | modeller’s art show the “glad eye” and features | with which “any man might fall in love,”) | Those days of a child’s undiscerning 146 PUN CH, OR THE L : a bells. ‘To-day-—-just see how her posi- FIRST LOVE AND LAST. tion has i Generally she nine It is pointed out by a contemporary that | by being married already. Then her the dressmaker’s waxen model has quite lost | 1over comes along to place her in awk- her old insipid air, The latest examples of the nil predicaments idl put ie te me end of inconvenience, very often only to make her realise that she prefers her husband after all. Or, on the other hand, the modern writer does not mind killing off, on the barest pretext, a husband who is perfectly sound in wind and limb and had never suffered from anything in his life until the lover appeared. The poor girl will tell you herself that it isn't natural. Then there is the compromising situation, Magazine editors clamour for it—in fiction, I mean. We find the Ix the days when I started to toddle I loved with a frenzy sublime A dressmaker’s beauteous model— I think I was three at the time; She was fair in the foolish old fashion, And they found me again and again With my nose in an access of passion Glued tight to the pane. But I thought they were gone past returning Till Time should go back on his tracks, But fervent devotion to wax ; Coulda heart, though admittedly restive, Reeapture that innocent mood At sixty next birthday? I’m blest if I thought that it could. But Art, ever bent on progression, Has taken the model in hand, And brought in the line of succession A figure more pleasingly planned ; Her eyes with the gladdest of glances, and passengers of .a large liner just in| order to leave the couple alone for a | while to get to.know each other better. | And not-until they find that they care g for one another after all does the rescue Her lips and her hair and her cheek | party arrive. It will cruise about, or| Can puncture like so many lances be at round the corner, for A bosom of teak weeks and weeks, so that it can appear on the horizon at the moment of the} a a , ~~, |urst embrace. This situation is so HARD TIMES OR HEROINES. | popular at present that it is surprising “On, Bertram,” breathed Eunice as | that there are enough desert islands to she glided into his arms, “if Ernest | go round. knew, what would he think?” anchor fAuGusr 25, 1920. because she strongly objected to the man her parents wanted her to marry, was flung with him on an iceberg that had only seating capacity for two, And when the iceberg began to melt—~— writers must at times manipulate the elements—it meant that she must either watch the man drown or share the same seat with him. The rescue party held off, of course, until the harassed girl was sitting on his knees, and then received the pair as they slid down, announcing their engagement. What do Lintend to do with Bertram and Eunice? I am undecided whether to place them in the vicinity of a volcano, which, unknown to Bertram, | Again, the lonely bungalow episode At this point of my story I admit} is pretty cheerless for the heroine. She | that | was held up. I myself couldn't help wondering how Ernest would re- begs to spend a week-end with friends} gard the situation. He was a perfectly |in the country. When she arrives at| good husband and, personally, I pre | the station there is no one to meet her. ferred him to Bertram the lover. I} After a course of desert islands this might get unpopular with my readers, | ought to arouse her suspicions, but she however, if they suspected this, so I| never seems to benefit by experience continued :-— ’ * Ernest can never appreciate you as \t the bungalow, reached in a hired | fly and a blinding snowstorm, she finds I do, dearest,” Bertram whispered | the whole household away. The four ee; “he is cold, hard, indiffer-| other week-end guests, her host and ent-— — | ot | hostess and their five children, the Again I paused. If Eunice had been | invalid aunt who resides with the the really nice girl I meant her to be} family, the three female servants and she would have asked Bertram what on|the boot-boy who lives in—all have earth he meant by saying such things | completely vanished. The only sign about her husband, and would have! of life for miles is the hero standing on told him the shortest cut to the front- |the doorstep looking bewildered and door, In which case she might never |troubled, as well he might, for he have got into print. | knows that he must spend the night The faet is the poor heroine of fiction |in a snowstorm to ayoid compromis- has a hard time of it nowadays. Some- | ing the heroine. one ought to write a treatiseon “How! And when the family return next to be Happy though a Heroine,” or | morning and explain that they went out uphold her cause in some way. Twenty-| to look at the sunset, but were held up five years ago she lived in a halo of | at a neighbour's by the weather, nobody romance. Her wooers were tender, | seems to think the excuse a little thin respectful and adoring; she was never| The heroine can never hope for a without a chaperon. Her love-story | tranquil existence like other people. I was conventional and ended in wedding read of one only recently who, just nocepts an apparently harmless invita- i: nena has eruptive tendencies, or to send heroine flung ona desert island, with the | them up in an aeroplane and break the one man above all others in the world | propeller in mid-Atlantic just as the res- that she detests as her sole companion. | cue party (including the husband)—— It is rather rough on her, but often still} What ? more rough on other people, as it may | about aeroplanes? Certainly not; but necessitate drowning the entire crew|1 know everything about heroines, Do I understand anything EVIDENCE. “Wuar’'s all this I hear about the Abbey ?” said my friend Truscott when L met him yesterday. Truscott has just returned from New Zealand and is for the moment a little behind the times. But he can pick up the threads as quickly as most men. “It’s in a bad way,” | told him. * All kinds of defects in the fabric, and there 's a public fund to make it sound again. You ought to subscribe “It may be in disrepair,” he replied, but it isn’t going to fall down just yet. | know; I went to see it this morning * But how do you know?” | asked, “You may guess; you can’t know.” “] know,” he said, “ because [| was told. A little bird told me, and there's no authority half so good. Do you re- meniber a few years ago a terrific storm that blew down half the elms in Ken- sington Gardens?” | remembered. I had reason; for the trunks and branches were all over the road and my omnibus from Chureh Street to Piccadilly Circus had to make wide detours. * Well,” Truscott continued, * some- one wrote to the papers to say that two or three days before the storm all the vooks left the trees and did not return. They knew what was coming. Birds do know, you know, and that 8 why I feel no immediate anxiety about the Abbey.” “ Explain,” I said. * Well,” he continued, “ when | was there this morning I watched a sparrow popping in and out of a nest built in @ niche in the stonework over the north door,”’ Pas TR ay — oe of FAIRE

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Avaust 25, — a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Nii & | | ht \ it it NG matt ' ' } i MANNERS AND MODES. THEN AND NOW ‘vom an Karly- Victorian “ Etiquette for Gentlemen.”—“ A GENTLEMAN CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL TO AVOID STEPPING ON A LADY'S 3 WHEY ABOUT TO GET IN OR OUT OF A CARRIAGE 4

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148 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THOUGHTS ON “THE TIMES.” (From a TRAIN.) Reauiy the news is very bad this morning. On the front page there are two Foreign crises and a Home one. On the next page there is one Grave Warning and two probable strikes. On every other page there is either a poli- tical murder or a new war. It is awful... Yet somehow I don’t feel depressed. I rather feel like giggling. An empty smoker in the Cornish express—empty except for me! Extraordinary! (~~~ And all my luggage in the right van, labelled for Helston, and not for Hull or Harwich or Hastings. That porter was a splendid fellow, so respectful, so keen on his work—no Bol- shevism about I gave him a shilling I gave the taxi-man a shilling too. That guard is a pleasant fellow also; I shall give him two shillings, perhaps half-a-crown. Yet I see that the railways are seething with unrest. [ have just read The Times’ leader. Everything seems to be coming undone... Persia, Mesopotamia, Egypt, India. This Bolshevist business . dreadful. The guard has got me a ticket for the Second Luncheon. A capital fellow. I gave him three shillings. Ab- surd. I have no more shillings now. Lam overdrawn. There is a financial crisis. But that, of course, is general. I see that Mr. Iselbaum anticipates a general smash this winter. A terrible winter it is going to be... no coal, no food. . We ought to be in by five, in time for a fat late tea Cornish cream . . ham. Tut . jam, Gwen PULSE, will be at the station, with the children, all in blue... or pink perhaps. looks! Superficial, of course; the har- vest 's ruined ; no wheat, no fruit. And unemployment will be very bad. And the more people there are unemployed the more people will strike ... Sounds funny, that; but true . Hope they ‘ve given us the usual table in the coffee-room, that jolly window-table in the corner, where one can look across the bay to the cliffs and the corn-fields and the hills . Only there's no corn, I suppose, this year.., And one has a good view of the rest of the room there . . . can study the new arrivals at dinner, instead of having to wait till afterwards. Dinner is much the best time to study them; you can see at once how they eat. And it is so much easier to decide which is the sister and which the fiancée of the young man when they are all stationary at a table. When you only see them rushing about passages in ones it takes days. All the usual families will be there, I suppose—the Bradleys and the Clinks, old Mrs. Puntage and the kids if they can afford it this year Very likely they can’t. I can’t, cer- tainly. But I’m going. “Not since the fateful week-end of How jolly the country August, 1914, when the destinies of — that hotel . . . like the cost of living, Up another five points to-day, I see, Bread 's going to be one-and threepence, But of course there won't be any bread this winter, so the price doesn’t much matter. But what about coal? and milk? and meat? ‘Several new sets of wage claims are due for decision within the next few weeks, and it ig possible that two of them at least may not be determined without a cessation of work.’ More strikes But not for a week or two. To-morrow there won't be any papers at breakfast; NATIONAL RESEARCH. Daity Qvesr, SENDS A SPECIAL COMMISSIONER TO OUR HOLIDAY SORTS TO DISCOVER WHICH HAS THE EVER WITH ITS FINGER ON TH} NICEST NECKS. Kurope were decided in a few hours, have issues of such gravity engaged the attention of the British race. fe Dreadful. I shall get some tennis to- morrow. I shan't be called. I shall get up when the sun is on my face and not before. I shall dress very, very slowly, looking at the sea and the sands and the sun, not rushing, not shaving properly, not thinking, not washing a great deal, just sort of falling into an old coat and some grey flan- nels. Then I shall just sort of fall downstairs—about half-past nine, and give the old barometer a bang. Then breakfast, very deliberate, but cheerful, because the glass went up ).4 pow). 20 in one’s pocket. when I banged it it always goes up at there won't be any letters. I shan't catch the 9.5. After breakfast I shall smoke on the cliff-—then some tennis. Most of the balls will go over the cliff, but when they have all gone one just slips down and bathes, and picks them up on the Way. Undress on the rocks no machines, no tents. Jolly bathing. Mixed, of course. This Tonbridge councillor is on about that again, I see | He ought to come to Mullion | Mixed bathing depends entirely on the mixture. He doesn’t |realise that. Of course, if he will bathe at Tonbridge . “In diplomatic circles no one is attempting to conceal that the situation is extremely grave.” Now which situation is that? That must be one of these world plots. Don't really see how civilisation can carry on more than a week or two now. Lucky I only took a single, perhaps. It was only two pounds, but I hadn't enough for a return. Never shall have enough, probably but no matter. If the world is coming to an end, might as punure | Well be in a good part of it at ne. |the time. And it would be sickening to be snuffed out with an unused return-ticket On the sands after lunch—build a few castles and dams and things for the children—at least, not altogether for the children, not so much as they think, anyhow. ‘Tea at the farm, with plenty of cream, possibly an egg No eggs this winter, I see; some question of non-unionists. Then a little golf before dinner—and perhaps a little dancing afterwards. Coffee, anyhow Then The Times arrives, all wrapped up, just as one is explaining about the seventh hole. It is all stiff and crinkly, and one spends a long time re- arranging it, flattening out the folds... And one never reads it. That's the fAuGusr 25, 1920, | best of all. A- P. H. - ct eee Cee” Sea peer ARTO Bas POA k } : i t : } $$ nt

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PERE RIN 25, 1920.) Ds oN ie a ba > xe i ~ ¥ eyo" The Chee rful Une, **¢ Club Grouser, “FINDING MY GAME! Why, L’VE JUST OFFERED TO SELL EVE The Cheerful One. “Yrs, 1 kNow. But YesTeRDAY YOU WERE «GIVING THEM by countless pilgrin feet. He has picked PRONE. lo the Editor of * Punch. [ am an architect (of forty- like to urant with everything in the world of building (or of being about t« build DIR three years’ standing) and I keep (tit ¢ Consequently anything new in ictional material interests me and in this connection [ would lke to usk you what is or what are Prone? I have only seen it (or them) mentioned const once, and from the context I gathe that the word “prone” stands for the plural of “prone” (as “ grouse” is the plural of “ grouse,” and as “house” might well stand for the plural ol ‘house’ nowadays, considering the shortage of dwellings), and that it (or they) is (or are) used either as a floor covering or otherwise in connection With working on the floor or ground. My reason for so thinking is con- | tained in the following interesting item, i culled from pape U: | “ There wor) do it e | He may be daily in the cloisters of | Westminster Abbey re-cutting the names on the flagged gravestones which have been worn a well-known daily news- is in London one man at least who hard every day and has to lay prone to SOe@ 1) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C1 NGRATULATIONS, OLD CHAP, ON FINDING YOUR GAME A‘ out many illustrict fe Te iw.” ames, and others are to The sex and species of this hard- worker preclude the notion of any oyi- parous act, and I take it that one “ lays prone’ as one lays a mat o1 strip of carpet, for the purpose of facilitating done on the knees or If [am right I should like buildes li labour that is stomach to get my » order some for his workmen absolutely at once. Anything which would help to defeat the Trade Unions in their fight against speedii ih up would be cially to the world, so perhaps you will be good enough to wu blessing, espe- architectural enlighten me on the nature of Prone, and where obtainable Believe Yours very gravely, Ongesimus Stone (F.R.1.B.A,). me, From an American book on * How and What to Read ed “Other great American short story writers include Bret Harte, Edward Everett Hale Frank Stockton, and Mary E,. Wilkins. With these may be included Thomas Hardy's ‘ Life’s Little Tronies,’ which are full of fan.” Mr. Harpy will be glad, no doubt, ae add this little irony to his collection. [ARIVARI. ” iAIN, RY DAMNED CLUB IN MY BAG.” AWAY.” THE KELPIE. THE scoffer rails at ancient tales Of lake and stream and river; The wise man owns that m his bones The kelpie makes him shiver Big salmon-flies the seoffer buys, Long rods and wading stockings Unpicturesque he walks in Esk With unbelief and mockings. “A viver-horse! O-ho, of course! And shouts with ribald laughter ; He does not see in his cheap glee The kelpie trotting after The storm comes chill from off the An eerie wind doth holloa; hill; And near and near by surges dreai The water horse doth follow \ snort, il Past prayer or human help he Comes never more to mortal door snuff ‘ jwough, enoug! : Who meets the wate -kelpie. “THE KING ARRIVES IN ASKED TO LEAVE Consecutive Headlines in “ The Daily Mirror.” SCOTLAND The habit of reading the headlines in our pictorial newspapers without glane- ing at the pictures beneath them is liable to create false impressions.

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iene nee it ein RTC AT THAT, | require pills.’ ements a te Mrs. Symons (wishing to draw attention ime-h Marrua; I CAN WRITE MY NAME ON THE PIAN Martha. “Fancy, NOW, YOU SPELLING IT WITH A ‘yY.’ TO A MAKER OF PILLS f** The Pill Trade has fallen on evil days; no ex-service men seem t A pill manufacturer su O BENEFACTOR of the British Tommy, So often sick in far unfriendly climes, What tears of sympathy are flowing from me To learn that you have fallen on evil times! Yea, to my mind 'tis little short of tragic That men no longer buy your potent spheres of mag nmoned for rates at Wi den Scarce less detested-than the Bulgar bullet Your bitter pellets of Quin. Sulph. gr. 5 Have often stuck in my long-suffering gullet, Leaving me barely more than half alive, Whulst the accursed drug, whose taste I dread, Hummed like an aeroplane within my throbbing head And what about Acetyl-Salicylic, And what of Calomels and Soda Sals? Existence had been even less idyllic Without those powerful and faithful pals ! Why, midst the fevers of the Struma plain you Furnished the greater part of Tommy’s daily menu. Or what of that infallible specific, Your Pil. Cathartic Comp., or No. 9, Whose world-wide influence must have been terrific Since first it found its footing in the Line ? The British Tommy took it by the million— Why should it fail to sell now he has turned ci ilian ? PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Kn wv we pe 7a er, to the amount of dust on the drawing-room furniture). * L.ooK [t is not base ingratitude that blinds him To recognition of an ancient debt, But rather that the sight of these reminds him Of painful days which he would fain forget, When life was one long round of guards and drills, Marches, patrols, fatigues and sick parades—and pills. Yet hear me, maker of the potent pilule : Although my days of soldiering are o’er, I'm fondly trusting that, when next I''m ill, you 4 Come to my rescue as you came of yore ; Meanwhile you'll understand that I, for one, tefuse to buy your wares and eat them just for fun. “In the high jump final, Landen (U.S.A.) was first with a jump of 6ft. 44in.; Muller (U.S.A.) and E. Keleend (Sweeden) died for second place.”—Provincial Paper. “T heard Lord Rosebery say : ‘ Your little girl has got beautiful eyes.’ [ repeated this upstairs with joy and excitement tothe family, who. « . said they thought it was true enough if my eyes had not been so close together.”"—Ertract from Autobiography of Margot Asquith, Her “I's” are generally rather close together. “The policy which should be adopted is first to take steps to prevent prices continuing to rise, and then to endeavour to reduce them until the purchasing power of the pound sterling is equal to the purchasing power of the dollar.”"— Financial Paper. Judging by the New York exchange good progress has | been made in this direction. ne ee SA SLLIRE CLR ELD scmaaecccmanan tab BE oe = eR 3 ‘a 4 eT Pi Sioa ee ee of 4 & Es = &

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OF PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avaust 25 THE *“ HOUSE”-BREAKER. OVERTHROW OF THE PARLIAMENT OF DEMOCRACY; A DREAM OF ACTION.” THE “COUNCIL

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 153

<a OS PE LL FR Ve pee 2 rp a Ay

GEORGE, JANE AND LENIN. Now that Soviet rule in England is apparently so imminent it seems to me that we ought to consider a little more closely the application of its practical machinery. The morning papers reach this village at three o'clock in the after- noon, so that nobody is in to read them, and when one comes back in the even- ing one is generally too lazy, but a couple of rather startling sentences about the coming Communist régime have recently caught my eye. “The people of England, like the people of Russia,” runs the first, “ will soon be working under the lash.”” And the second, so far as I remember, says, “Our rations will no doubt be reduced to half a herring and some boiled bird- seed, which is all the unhappy Russians are getting to eat.” Before these changes fall suddenly upon us I think we should ponder a little on the way in which they will affect our urban and agricultural life. Take the House of Commons. A very large and symbolic knout might occupy the position of the present mace,

and from time to time the SPEAKER en —~- — = A Cagis Mills SO WF

VU iu GZ \ Wie GY Ne “a : N SS Ly, 7 \ Mother. “*Youn cousin Jim HAS OFFERED TO TAKE YOU TO DINNER AND A THEATRE Daughter. “On, IT'S ALL RIGHT, BUT HE LOOKS 8O ROTTENLY RESPECTABLE,”

TO-NIGHT, AREN'T YOU PLEASED?”

could take it up and crack it. As this needs a certain amount of practice it will be necessary to select a fairly horsey man as Speaker, and the Whips, who will follow the same procedure, should also be skilled practitioners. I see no difficulty in applying the same method to commercial and factory life in gen- eral, still less to the packing of the Underground Railway and the loading of motor-omnibuses and trams. It is rather when we come to scat- tered rural communities that the system seems likely to break down. Take the ease of George Harrison in this village. When I first met George Harrison, and he said that he thought the weather was lifting, he was carrying a basket of red plums which he offered to sell me for an old song. On subsequent occasions I met him— 1. Driving cows. (At least I sup- pose he was driving them; he was sit- ting sideways on a large horse doing nothing in particular, and some of the cows were going into one field and some into another, and a dog was biting their tails indiscriminately.) 2. Clearing muck and weeds out of the stream.

3. Setting a springe for rabbits. 4. Delivering letters, because the postman doesn't like walking up the hill. Now I maintain that there would be insuperable difficulties in making George carry out all these various ac- tivities under the lash. Anyone, I sup- pose, under a properly constituted Soviet régime might be detailed as George Harrison's lasher, Mr. SMILLIE, Mr. G. K. Cuesterton, Lord Curzon, Mr. Crynes or the Duke of Norruum- BERLAND. Can you imagine Mr. CHEs- TERTON walking about on guard duty in a rabbit warren while George Harri- son set springes in accordance with the principles laid down by the Third Inter- nationale for rabbit-snaring? or the Duke of NorTHUMBERLAND standing in gum-boots in the middle of a stream and flicking George Harrison about the trousers if he didn’t rake out old tin cans at forty to the minute as laid down by the Moscow Code? Now [ask you. And then there is this half a herring and boiled bird - seed caine George Harrison has a sister of eighteen who kindly comes in to do cooking and housework for us every day. She thinks

| i ' i

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154 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

us frightfully queer, and if we bought some herrings and bird-seed and asked her to cook them for us I have no doubt she would oblige, but, though she doesn’t much care what we eat, there are a lot of things she doesn’t eat herself, and Lucerne is in Switzerland, and I am | fish is one of them. Porridge, which, I} in Lucerne. The moment I heard that suppose, is a kind of bird-seed,is another.| Mr. Liroyp GrorGE was coming to Not that Jane calls it eating, by the} Lucerne I felt that a new importance way. She calls it “touching,” and there | was added to Switzerland, to Lucerne, are any number of things that shedoesn’t|to me and, if I may say so, to Mr. fancy touching. She will touch enor-| Luoyp Grorce. But I felt that, if I mous platefuls of bacon or sausages or | didn’t do something about it, Lucerne almost any derivative of the domestic | and Mr. Ltoyp GrorGE would get away LUCERNE. O, every dog must have its day And ev'ry town its turn ; For fair is fair... and, anyway, Let’s talk about Lucerne.

pig, and the same applies to puddings | with all the credit and my part in the | | and cake. But beef and mutton she| affair would be overlooked. does not touch, nor margarine, and we} The question arose as to what to call have to be almost as careful that Jane} that “ something’? After a great deal | Harrison has plenty of the right things | of thought I decided to try you with ! to touch as about the whole of the rest!a short and simple “ Lucerne,” one of | of the family. ti wae ea ae = Now here again I auf think it would be quite h | possible to induce the } people of England in | our large industrial cen- | tres to ration them- selves on boiled herring and bird-seed. We should not use those - names, of course. The! advertisements on the} hoardings would say — THe Bountirut Har- VEST OF THE SPA BROUGHT TO THE BREAKFAST TABLE or Wurat MAKES THE Sky-

and to have at last a little uninter. rupted holiday. Probably he counts on the difficulty of getting at him there having regard to that terrible bit of the journey Bern—Luzern, which covers sixty miles, takes three hours and ip- volves twenty-four stops, even if you take the mid-day express. There ig a train in the afternoon (its number is 5666, and I warn you against it) which takes four hours, though it only stops twenty-four times also. The sinister fact is that all the trains on this route |stop as often as they can, which | attribute to that general wave of idle- ness which is to-day spreading over Europe. But number 5666 is worse than others; or else it is getting old and tired. I notice that imong the trains doing the return }«

ney there is no number 5666: I sup- pose it has just as much gps: as it can do to get there "ele wties and that it never does ¢ \return. : The PREMIER was not far out to count on this | protective element, and iit is still the fact that, jif you approach Luzern | carelessly, is ninety- nine to one that you | will spend the best years ‘of your young life on | that particulal stretch jof railway. But nowa- idays there is a back way round, by Basel. | Be quite firm in asking

* eg yo

| LARK so Happy? \for your ticket. If the ay , ticket man says, “You | Try Harrasy’s Hemp. ’ Bale?” or, “¥ A Sone in Every Wee Donald Angus, * PLease, Sink, WHAT TIME WULL IT 1 : ‘epee ee a SPooNFUI Literal Gentleman, “WuHen mean Basle?” say,“ No, 4 , 'T don’t. I mean Basel.” | But propaganda of that sort would | my reasons being that, if vi | you get down have no effect on Jane. She would!to the hard fact ! ts, there is no such simply say that she never cared to| place. | touch herrings and that she did not Try (as the G.P.O. suggests to dis- fancy hemp-seed | appointed envelopes)—try |} When I consider the cases of George | | and Jane L am bound to believe either | LUZERN, i | that the Russian moujiks (if this is still | Now don’t let us have any argument , J ‘ < : any argu nt | the right word) are more docile and about it, please [It makes no differ- tractable than ours, or else that the | ence how long y rae ou have called the place Soviet régime will need a great deal of |“ t

how many of you there adaptation before it can be extended | are. It is no good saying that English | to our English villages Or, of course, | people and French people call it | it may be possible that some of the|“ Lucerne ” and as victors the Entente| | minuter details of M. Lenry’s adminis- | bh ie right to impose their wishes | tration have not been fully revealed to| and it is n

»S ’ i 0a GUuOLING ¢ it! ritie ‘ } me. I shall find out about this no doubt me. Luzern nile itself ‘" mS yie when I return to London. In the] to satisfy myself that itis not mistaken | | meantime I am banking on George and | on the P int, I have obtained com Jane, whatever the Councrn or Actiox plete corroboration from the Amtliches | } may do, Evor Schweizerisches Kursbuch, an author ity The Old Order Changes. whose very name is enough to make “« He brightened up a lot when his moth you Bradshaw look silly and shut up | in-law arrived,” said an ey rr ies ie - avowed object of the PREMIER is

ae ee get away from people and polities | You have me and my friend, Aitliches | Schwee izerisches Kursbuch, beliind you. | Stick firmly to your point, and by ap- | proaching Luzern from the North you | will approach it by a real express which only takes two hours to do its sixty miles and hardly stops at all to take breath. So that finishes with Bern, as to the spelling of which, though you would personally like to see some more ‘e’s,” you now repose confidence in |me. Would you like me to quote my authority ? ... All right { won't |say it again if it frightens the children. In the old days of Peace, Luzern was | full of honeymoon couples, and when | Peace and honeymoons and all that | sort of nonsense were put a stop to, it | became full of German interned pris- loners of war. It boasts many first- | class hotels. One of them is patronised | by the Greek ex- Royal Family A little unfortunate; but still you cannot ex- pect to come and enjoy yourself in | Switzerland without the msk of running bcevmetinreiatinmaie - —$—— [Aueusr 25, 1999

sli et SGA ae. gee MEI A IF

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nee “* RE RE—CHUCK IT, into an ex-Royal Family every corner you go round, and, what is more, a | Royal Family that wouldn’t be ex- if it | wasn't foi you. It is a very go 1d hotel, and I recommend it for anyone who proposes just to pop over here. Get hold of L. G. while he is not busy and explain to him how thoroughly mis- guided all his policies are, especially as to the Near East. My idea is to group, wcording to subject and side, all those who intend to get hold of the Premier, while he is alone, and to have a quiet | chat with him. I have my eye on a large hangar on the other side of the Lake, which was built to house a diri- gible and ought to hold the bulk of those who want a word about Ireland, a place they could put right in five minutes if it was left to them. Deputations which | have some idea of declaring strikes, | general strikes and international strikes, | if matters are not arranged to their| liking, will he received between the hours of ten and twelve, and two and| four, at the Kursaal. Saturday after- | hoons and Sundays will be reserved for quiet walks. [am mapping out some | interesting routes, marking with a red | dot. the spots where the Premier is likely to stop and admire the view, and | een ;mensee, z Misst WHY CA N'Y YER LET US FIGHT IN PEACE?” where you can approach him quietly from behind and involve him in an argu- ment about Russia before he has time to get away. Image a Premier arrived at the end of all the beautiful sights to be seen locally, inured to all the magnificent scenery around him, and no longer attracted by the novelty of life abroad, longing, it may be, for just one touch of home. Then is the moment for the little sur- prise [ am keeping for him up my sleeve. ‘‘Come along to a place close i by,”’ I shall say to him, for I see my- elf with the whole business well in my hands now; “come along to a village I know, whose verv name will make you feel at home Just outside Luzern we stop at Meggen, but it’s not that. Kussnacht gets us well abroad again, and there is nothing particularly homely about [m- rth-Goldau, Steinen, Schwyz or Brunnen. In fact I can see my PREMIER getting suspicious and won- dering what new political move this may be, when suddenly there will burst upon his astonished gaZze— FLUELLEN. Let us leave him there, alone with his emotions, into whieh it would be impertinent to probe. I may tell you quietly apart that there is a differ- ence of opinion between me and Amt- liches Schweizerisches Kursbuch about this l’s, but, having been there and heard the name pronounced, I have refused to be taught how to spell a good Welsh name by a darned foreigner, If we are going to have any nonsense about it I have said that I shall stand out for the proper, full and uncorrupt spelling : FLLEWELLYN. name. * That,’ declared Mr, Lloyd George amid loud cheers, the most formidable challenges ever given to democracy. Without ‘is one of hesitation every Government must accept that challenge Certainly we will,’ retorted the Prime Minister.”"—Krening Paper. No wonder Mr. Luoyp GEORGE wants a holiday if he has begun to talk to himself. “A telegram from Par says: It is an nounced here that an agreement has been France, Great Britain and delimitation of the open Trovincial Paper, concluded bet wee Italy regarding t golf championship It will be noticed that onee more to have held aloof from the councils of the Allies. America seems He wants to ration the iit sc CNOA EBA al MOON

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“TO HIM THAT HATH...” Ir was Butterington who first put me up to the idea. I asked him a simple question about the habits of the Sigalion Boa, a certain worm in whose ways I was taking an interest at the time, and he at once replied that he himself was not in the fur line. «“ Whenever,” he went on, “I re- quire information on any subject [ apply to my bank. Why don’t you do the same?’ This opened up an entirely new pros- pect. To me my bank was an insti- tution which kept my accounts, issued money and, on occasion, lent it. It never entered my head that it was also ready to perform the functions of an inquiry office and information bureau. Previous communications from me had always begun, “ Sir, with reference tomy overdraft ” you know the sort of thing one generally writes to banks ; ex- postulating, tactful, temporising letters This time however I addressed them | Rejecting all mention | in different vein. of overdrafts as being in doubtful taste, I wrote: Sir,—I shall be greatly obliged if you will kindly inform me, at your early | convenience : (1) Whether it is a fact that the African rhinoceros has no hair on the hind legs ? (2) Whether, in the case of my back the first race, ‘any to on Short Time in the fourth, and Short Time not starting, I am entitled ing Pegasus in come’ to my winnings over Pegasus ? (3) Whether, after perusing seventeen | favourable reports from mining engi- neers and eighty-seven enthusiastic directors’ speeches, [ am justified in assuming that gold actually does exist in the Bonanzadorado mine? Yours faithfully, THESIGER CHOLMONDELEY BEAUCHAMP. After some delay they answered as follows : Str,— We have much pleasure in re plying to the queries contained in y favour of the 27th ult. :— (1) Yes; (2) Yes; (3) No. Assuring you always of our best en deavours in your service, We remain, Yours faithfully. per pro The Cosmopolitan Bkg. Corpn. C. O. SHIN} So far SO good left nothing to be desired, and _ its replies were certainly to the point. | began to think of Mr. C. O. Shine : to whether his first name were Claude or Clarence. we «+h, f . During the followin week, whenever [ became curious on any subject, I The Bank's manner | as ny personal friend and speculated as | made notes of fresh queries to pro- pound. After accumulating a sufficient number I again wrote to the Bank. I forget the exact points upon which I required information; one of them, I fancy, was the conjectured geologic age of the Reichardtite strata. Anyhow I got no answer to any of them. Instead, three days later, I received the following letter :— Smr,—We regret to announce that, owing to a clerical error in this office, your account was last month wrongly credited with acheque for £13,097 5s.10d. which was made payable to another client of the same name. Adjustments have now been made which reveal a balance on your account of £110 11s. 3d. an We trust that you will find it convenient to cover our favour. this overdraft at an early date With reference to your letter of the 19th inst. containing assorted inquiries, we be that we stances undertake to advise r to intimate g can in ino circuyn iclients on general matters which lie | outside t scope of our interests. | , . ‘ Yours faithfully, | per pro The Cosmopolitan Bkg. Corpn. CHARLES QO. SHINE. And this time C. O. §S. did not ‘in the plural. ice showed Butterington this even ‘remain l at o1 offensive communication ‘“ Well,” Siu d he, ’ of won't course they communications unless you have a balance.” answer That is the way rich men talk ‘IT am never without one,” I replied with dignity, “on one side or the other.”’ “There you differ from your name- ike, whose balance is clearly always side. Hence that first cindly letter, addressed to you in error.” on the right THE ROMANCE OF ADVERTISEMENT. Tue following items, culled from re- cent issues of The Daily Lure, show |where you should go to find really j interesting, stimulating and flat-catch- 1! £7 ] tices: | Partner, with not less than five thou- wanted for a wild-duck ve Island of Mull. Must be a 1constitution ; Gaelic speaker isand p unds irni in tl eli Ril ’ jand teetotaler preferred. | “*e % | Wanted, a cheap Desert Island, with 1 good water-supply and home com- y a Georgian poet weary of the |racket of Hammersmith. a! Complete suits of armour, guaranteed | bottle-proof, ten guineas each, suitable |for elderly pedestrians in charabanc areas “ex Madame Bogolubov, Crystal-gazer in OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL i seauanaquccen ee ordinary to the ex-King Constantine, is prepared for a small fee to advise in- tending explorers, prospectors or trea. sure-seekers as to suitable spots for excavation, oil-boring, ete. x * % Disused Martello Tower on the Irish coast, fifty miles from a police barrack, offered cheap as an appropriate basis of observation to psychic enthusiasts anxious to study the ways of lepre- chauns, banshees, etc. * ne Genuine portraits by Van Dyck, Ve- LASQUEZ and REMBRANDT must be sold immediately to pay a debt of honour, Price thirty shillings each, or would take part payment in pre-war whisky, xn Semi-paralysed Yugo-Slavy professor, speaking seventeen languages, will give lessons to neo-plutocrats in the correct | pronunciation of the names of all the | foreign singers, dancers and artists per- forming or exhibiting in London. a interested in edible fungi may be glad to take shares in a fungus plantation about to be started in the | neighbourhood of Toller Porcorum, Dorchester. Persons THE RETURN OF THE COLONEL. Housk, the enigmatic Colonel, WI | son’s right-hand man in France | When the Prestpenr was leading Peace’s great Parisian dance, returns to E journalist free-lance. Once again ype as a} He's a most sagacious person, indis- | posed to carp or grouse So we hope he'll be succes ful, aided by his tact and nous, In upholding Mr. WILson, ? ing down the House. t in bring- The Ubiquitous Scot. From The Times’ summary of news:— | * Our Constantinople correspondent, in & message reviewing the situation in Armenia, | states that the Armenians have captured the ancient town of Nakhitchevan, where a Tartan Government had been set up.” Small wonder that people complain |that no place is safe from Scotland's | | activities. Meanwhile there seems a| likelihood of a Tarzan Government being set up in the film world. | | From Mrs. Asquirn’s reminiscences: “ One day after this conversation he [the late Lord Salisbury} came to see me in Cavendish | Square, bringing with him a signed photo- graph of himself, This was in the year 1904, at the height of the controvers ver Protec tion.”—Sunday Times. As Lord Sauispury is generally sup- | posed to have died in 1903, Sir ARTHUR | Conan Doyie has been requested investigate the incident. ea RPPRA DOTY pay cna a ee MESON: CLLRS seer

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Avovst 25, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. : 157 | ‘= THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. | | ) | e a | j Tue LAST MAN WAS IN AND WITH ONLY SMITH, OF ALL PEOPLE, DROPPED HE STOLE AWA) ONE RUN WANTED— 4 CATCH | j | ; 4 7% { ry i a. é = = ° bi i d ALS git i) * 2 al wen. 5 3 rO LEAVE THE COUNTRY. Ss ‘ j x | : AFTER MANY YEARS HE RETURNED. “Goop HRAVENS, SmivH, I HAVEN'T “Yrs, | ONCE SAW HIM PLAY WHEN I was | z SEEN YOU SINCE YOU DROPPED THAT QUITE A LAD. ON THAT OCCASION HE HAD : CATCH AT THE CincLe.” THY. MISFORTUNE TO DROP A CATCH.”

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< silanes ainsi aetna A OLN arte CCNA Cnt Nt Rt aC

158 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i

[Aveusr 25, 1990,

obscurity of the plot at its most critical AT THE PLAY. moment. Enough that all ends well “His Lapy Frrenps.” with her firmly - expressed resolution Tue humours of the average farce | that in the future she will herself do all are so elemental that in the matter of | the necessary squandering. its setting there is small need to worry| Mr. Cuartes Hawrrry as James about geographical or ethnical con- | Smith was irresistible in most of the old siderations. Of course, if its locale is| ways and a few new ones. The play French you may have to modify its free- | would have gone poorly without him, dom of thought and speech, but with |in spite of the piquancy of Miss Joan a very little accommodation to national} Barry as a flapper, the fourth and proprieties you can eithertransplant the | final recipient of his chaste bounty. | setting of your play or you can leave| Miss Jesste Bateman as Mrs. James it where it was and make use of the| Smith had no chance till just at the convention that for stage purposes all | end with the turning of the worm. Frenchmen have a perfect command of |}To the part of Lucille Early the our tongue and idiom. But to take a! Karly frankly English novel by an English writer, adapt it, as Messrs. Nyrrray and Man- DEL have done, for the Am- erican stage with'an American setting, and then bring it over here and produce it with only one or two actorsin the whole cast to illustrate the purity of the American accent, 1s perhaps to presume rather too much on our generous lack of intelligence. However we have got Mr. Cuartes Hawrrey back again and that is what really matters. As a philanderer protesting innocence in the face of damnatory facts we know him well enough; but

as a couple, were designed to

here we have him innocent and ingenuous as an angel, yet hard put to it to convince anyone but himself of his guilelessness. A millionaire (dollars) with a wife of eco nomic disposition, who de clines to spend his money ; for him, he feels drawn to “T want to spread a lit

| tle sunshine.” | . James Smit : We J ay Oe, ee v1 | a course of knight-errantry : ir. Ci es Haw7 : ° } ca Miss Joan Barry. and rides abroad in search of damsels in pecuniary distress, with the! contrast with tl avowed object of “spreading a little|this case spending the money which ‘sunshine.’ the husband hadn't got—Miss ATHENE Tl — P . ill "1 = pes ral } : 11s que st, as you wil easly under- | + EYLER, WhO Was meant for better stand, was not a very difficult one for | thir a man prepared to be igs, gave a certain distinction, but aps “pressed ”* a little too much. by just any adventuress, and in the| Mr. James Carew, who played Edward neighbourhood of his various business- | Karly " imposed upon | per! was conspicuous as the sole branches, San Francisco, Washington, | male representative of the American Boston, he soon found a ready channel language in this American play. The for the employment of his superfluous | fleeting visions that we had of Miss Mona wealth. The natural affection, how-| Harrison as a refractory and venal ever, which his generosity inspired was | cook excited general approval. The not utilised by him, and you must try Ithree protégées of James Smith were to believe that, in spite of the most | only faintly distinguishable in their sinister appearances, he remained a| rather crude banality. faithful husband | The fun of the farce differed from With the methods by which he ap- that of most farces in depending less peased his wife’s suspicions I will not jupon situations than upon dialogue. trouble you, partly because I could} The First Act, with the situations still not follow them myself, owing to the|to come, was the best.

I have not had

the good fortune to read Miss Epguy. Ton’s novel, but one might be permitted to assume, from the excellence of much of the wit, that, whatever the play may in other respects have lacked of subtlety | or refinement, such defect was no fault | of hers. What Mr. Cxartes Hawrrry | himself thought of it all lcannot say, but | the play did not begin to compare, either | |

for irony or singleness of motive, with the last two in which he figured, The | Naughty Wife and Home and Beauty. He clearly enjoyed his own part, but it was rather noticeable that in his brief speech at the fall of the curtain he con-

fined himself to a personal acknowledg.- | ment of the public’s sympathy with | him in his illness and their loyalty throughout his career, and made no reference to the play or its authors. 0O,§,

A SUPER-SU RPRISE. I HAVE not seen the stalking By a rabbit of a bear, Nor yet an oyster walking Sedately up the stair; But a marvel as amazing Inspires these rhymes, For I've read a leader prais- | ing The Premier in The Times. | doggerel

A House-Warming. * Considerable dat by fire at Cotta mn Wed- nesday evening tairs, part | of the floor, doors, furniture, ete., were destroyed. e was done | - presided at » piano, and Mrs. presided the refresh- ments. ‘God save the King’ was | sung at the clo e enjoyable | day.”—Local Payne | The Labour “Council of Action” have kindly stated that they are “content to) REY, the Sn iths, the wile in | leave the French Governn ent to the French people.” They are however resery ing the right to leave the British | Government to the Bolshevists. “ We must repeat the Scots proverb that— * De lay S$ are dangerous.’ *__ Sunday Paper. Or, as DryDEN says in his Address toa Haggis, “ De’il tak’ the hindmost. “The proportion of sane to per in civilized countries is about to 300. | Canadian Paper. | Surely CarLyLE said something very like this years ago. sane persons |

Commercial Candour. ‘*RAINCOATS AT LESS THAN COST PRICE LASt 3 pays.”—Advert, in IP? wial Paper. | . | “Lady has Left-off Clothing ; privately.” | Provincial Paper.

Of course. That goes without saying ——

SETS s. To ae baie | ee St = MS

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av sta sm cosbeeintesctil RES 1920.] ——$$—__— Aveust 25, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ff q WY j AE TH | hf lal | } ¥ if HAY i hal HH) y") PUN NLL Trainer (to Irish apprentice who has finished among the “also ran”), ** WHY DIDN'T YOU HANG ON TO THE FAVOURITE ? Dipn't I TELL YOU YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE HE WAS AFRAID OF.” Apprentice. “Tuat’s gust rr, Sorr,. “Iwas THE WAY HE WAS 80 AFRAID OF ME, WHIN WE CAME INTO THE STRAIGHT, HE JUST FLED AWAY FROM ME,” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks THosr who appreciate the short story of quality will be] After the German Revolution of 1918, Karu Kavutsky, a pleasantly stirred by the announcement of IJsland Tales | prominent Socialist, was appointed by the new Government (Mitts AND Boon), a posthumous volume containing what} to examine and edit the documents in the Berlin Foreign is probably the last writing of the late Jack Lonpon. 1| Office relating to the outbreak of the War. His work was can say at once that these seven stories show his art| completed in time for the Peace Conference and would, he in one aspect of its best. Not here the Lonpoy, whom believes, if published at that time, have convinced the Allies some of us might prefer, of the strenuous adventure-tale, | that the new German Government ought not to be made with whom there was no respite till, at the end of anything | responsible for the sins of the old one. But it would also up to a hundred sinew-cracking pages, we won through to| have shown that the old Government was the main insti- the appointed end. That South Sea atmosphere, so insidi- | gator of the War, and that the German people, having ously appealing to the literary temperament (from Sreven- | danced to the tune, even if they did not call for it, deserved 80N to STACPOOLE you can see it at work) has steeped these|to pay the piper. For that reason, perhaps, the German tales in the lotus-leisure of perpetual afternoon, so that the | Government withheld Herr Kaursky’s revelations. Now action of them tends to become overlaid by slow retlective |he has published them on his own account, under the title, talk, old memories and the sense of ancient things. Most|Vhe Guilt of William Hohenzollern (Skerrinaton), A notable is this in the first, where the actual romance, quick,| more damning indictment has never been drawn. From human and haunting, does not so much as show its face till| the moment of the ARcHDUKe’s assassination the Kaiser after forty pages of old-time local colour, Perhaps of all|and his advisers determined to make it the pretext for de- the seven I myself would prefer the last— The Kanaka|stroying Serbia, and crushing Russia and France if they Surf,” a slight intrigue, but a perfect epic of such bathing | dared to interfere. BrismARCK once said that “never are 80 as, I suppose, can be understood nowhere but on these} many lies told as before a war, during an election and after enchanted coasts. To read it is to realise what a loss we|a shoot.” His own manipulation of the Ems telegram was | original for ourselves. I suppose no tribute to the power |of genius could be more eloquent. suffer in one who could put such jewelled loveliness on to | venial compared to the manner in which the German diplo- the printed page—and what another loss in not seeing the | matists, egged on by their ruler—whose marginalia on the i | | } | ; ; ’ t

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| 160

i ' | | | | |

| | | | | | |

|

despatches furnish the most amusing reading in the volume used all the arts of chicanery to deceive Europe as to their real intentions and to defeat the efforts of England on whose neutrality they confidently counted—to secure a peaceful settlement. Though primarily addressed to the German proletariat, Herr Kautsky’s book has its value for all of us—*“ lest we forget.” On page 103 of The White Hen read that the Duke laughed softly. ‘“‘It is just like a romance,’ he sighed happily; which was precisely where, without intending it, the Duke placed his d ical finger upon the weak spot in the whole business. Becau story was “like a romance,” and like nothin and filled with characters each and all pledge its unreality at all costs, here is that tale. ‘ which there is a generous allow- ance, turns chiefly upon the J2 serve

| | | | yroblem, when is a white hen less a hen than a jewel casket ? Answer, when she has swal- lowed,andiserroneously thought to have retained, a famous dia mond, upon which an impover ished but noble above French family had depended for | the dot that should enable their | daughter to wed a plutocratic | but-otherwise detestable suitor. | I take it you will hardly need telling that t the mo ment chosen by Romance, un- | der the expert guidance of Miss | Puytuis CAMPRELL, to bring | along an even more wealthy (seo nis 18 young American, mistaken (of | course) for bis own chauffeu and working such havoc upon the heart of the he when recovered the dian yine that, | the latter accidentally ond from its feathered cache,she very sensibly decided to say noth ' t Whereupon, becaus ing about it. e the other | characters,especially an unplea ant Duchess, were unaware that ( as the shop ann uncements say, > ~y Poultry was Down \gain, - a ears much profitable confusion resulted, though 1 co pugn the justice of the ducal verdict quoted above. So that, if vour taste jumps with that « Gra you als can “sigh happily ;”’ otherwise 4 ll perhaps on é adverb—and select a st ry less exclusiy man There is a spirit of Yorkshire and S} I sup e characteristic of Sub irbia and on tue its] rts otf ee large manufacturing towns there must-.exist lable blending of these two. To express the double flayour of this essence requires, I should say, & Subtle ind Ir ¢ elaborate method than Mr. W. Riney has attempted to us in A Yorkshire Suburb (Jenkins). He has imagined for the purpose ¢ f these sketches an archite sb, M j | who in planning most of the houses in the loc ulity has attempted to express in brick and stone the characters of their several occupants. This is a device which bec rather monotonous as u as {t mes ) 1@ book proceeds, besides imposing & Series Of strains which neither architecture 1 credulity can easily bear. Since these are rather superioi suburbanites, dialect is for the most part absent, and it is hard to feel (Mitts anp Boon) we | . | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ST [Aucustr 25, 1920.

| | |

lot, of | stint or measure

n} bis Appledore, and imagined myself drinking prim

that they are very different people from those who live about the borders of Manchester or London; a character like Mrs. Flitch, for instance, who is angelic to behold but a spiteful gossip at heart, is, alas! to be found anywhere, And where the dialect does crop out it does not seem to be dependent on suburban soil for its raciness. I don't | doubt the accuracy of Mr. River's Yorkshiremanship, but | I do think he has under-estimated the difficulty of localis. | ing the peculiar genius of villadom. |

Though billed by her publisher as a merci Mrs. Morpavnt is really (if you want to fling title about) an eclectic synthetist or synthetic symbdlist, | Her wicked people are prodigiously wicked, wickedness | pei sonified, in fact ; her good folk are noble-he arted without | I don’t personally think that anybody | ————— could be quite so con pletely and | gratuitously evil as good-looking | Charles Hoyland in The Little | | Soul (Hutcuryson); or, being ! | $s analyst, his kind of | so, could possibly be recom- mended, still less engaged, as | tutor to a sensitive uuth ; or, ged, tolerated for

being so | 63 | two days. He certainly could not hold down his’ job long enough to ¢é Tuy S pupil, | {nthony Clayton, by exchanging 1s uuls with him w the nose } of mad but perceptive Mrs. |

ster Diana she Diana | Clayton and sane This conspicuously: pers is the recklessly e is an | } i attractive ind 8o | } | | | | ble D» | McCabe, her app! inate, j \ | who first had to ff country | /}) | through helping a s-girl | j out of a difficulty and then (more | | on less) won the Wa revolu- | tionising bacteriolos some- |} thing like that. However, Mrs. | / MorbDaunt interests be iS so palpably inte! suse she | herself | | The scenes of L Con- | ik OF I ( EB?” | traband (JARROLDS laid in Wit A Ke |}the Devonshire of ne hun- Ee 09h years ago. It is, as its le suggests, a tale of smuggling, and it contains an | account of a hand-to-hand fight between the hero and the villain which I advise all members of the National Sporting Club to read. They may be shocked by the tactics of the villain, but at the same time they will see what a bout of | i fisticuffs meant in those days. Mr. J. Weare GIFFARD is . master of atmosphere, and I, at any rate, lived happily in e (and cheap) French brandy in the Beaver Inn tenant Perkins, who commanded the “ preventive men,’ sat in his tall-backed chair by the fireplace and kept ind ears open to detect anything that was suspicious. But he was not foolish enough to ask many questions about the French brandy. An excellent yarn, simply and straight forwardly told. .

‘A photograph of the Olympic games at Antwerp was trans! ritted yesterday to Paris, a distance of 200 miles, over a teleph wire. It | is in the nature of an experiment, and if it succeeds Messrs. Co < hold it promises of further day trips to the Continent,”—Daily Paper. | | Intending trippers must, of course, be proficient in the tight-rope wire

Lieu- | | his eyes | j } Dams,

to

-

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sac, eee September 1, 1920.) CHARIVARIA. A NewcasTLeE miner who was stated to be earning a pound a day has been find ten pounds for neglecting his children. The idea of waiting till September 20th and letting Mr. SMiuui neglect them does not seem to have occurred to Cl ee «Beyond gardening,” says a gossip writer, “ Mr. Smuu.1e has few hobbies.” At the same time there is no doubt he is busy getting together a fine collec- " > , tion of strikes It is said that AmMuNDSEN will not return to civilisation this year. If he was thinking of Ireland he isn’t missing any civilisation worth mentioning. A centenarian in the Shetlands, says a news agency, has never heard of Mr. Luoyp GrorGe. We have no wish to brag, but we have often seen his name | mentioned, Professor Prrrie’s statement that the world will only last another two | hundred thousand years is a sorry b!ow ito those who thought that Chu. Chin Chow was in for alongrun. Otherwise the news has been received quietly. “ Nothing useful is ever done in the House of Comm speaker ms,’ says a Labour He forgets that the cleaners are at work in the building just now. We are informed that at the Brick- laying contest at the Olympic Games a British brick! Ve fost easily PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL : | 161 of Americz by the Prisons’ Department things might tend to improve. “There is still a great shortage of gold in the announces a weekly paper. It certainly seems as if our profiteers will soon have to be con- tent with having their teeth stopped with bank-notes. country,” We regret to learn that the amateu gardener whose marrows were awarded the second prize for cookimg-apples at a horticultural show his bed. | A neck-ruffle QJUEEN originally worn by EnizaABetH has been stolen from a house in Manchester and he ‘ irom & house in snecnester and has not vet been recovered. Any reader noticing “The Porr Lav- | REATE,” Says a Weekly paper, * has not writ- ten an ode to British weather.” So that j can't be the cause of it. | 4 '—yvG_== A Wolverhampton GRAN? HO man weighing seyven- | PATHS teen stone, in charging | | COLD another with assault, | trae said he heard some- body laughing at him, sohe looked round. A man of that weight naturally would. SHOWER “There is work for everybody who likes to work, Says Mr. N. Grattan Doyie, M.P. { MOUNTAIN ToP =| | TEt | 2]- | : 3|- | - | 2/6 It is this tactless wav of rubbing it in 5 which annoys so many people. A contemporary has a letter from a correspondent who signs himself ‘ Tube Traveller of Twenty Years’ Standing.” Somebody ought to offer the poor fellow a seat. In connection with the case of a missing railway -porter one railway line has decided to issue notices warning travellers against touching porters while they are in motion. “The United States,” declares the proprietor of a leading New York hotel, “18 on the eve of going wet again.” A subtle move of this kind, with the object of depriving drink of its present | popularity, is said to be making a strong appeal to the Prohibitionists. One London firm is advertising thirty thousand alarum-clocks for sale at re- duced prices. There is now no excuse for any workman being late at a strike. & suspicious - looking = | person wearing such ~\Sew an article over her dé colleté should diately oe | lume , r yi communicate he ; with the nearest po my | ae || LCe-StLation. \ \ VAX | Hair tonic, declares the Washington Chief lof Police, ts growing in popularity as a bev- «4, ; erage. The danger of | been | widely advertised by ithe sad case of aChi habit has }al.: +) + oDLS SO man who dvank three shampoo cock tails and afterwards iswallowed a hair in I NEVER ORDERED 1 AND | won’r PAY FOR IT.” a aimnnensicemmmnatemaniea = His soup \ dress designe! says a Camomile | all ae Street dressmaker in The Evening News, | The mystery of the City gentlema: ‘must be bor We always think | who has been noticed lately going up this is an advantage |to publie telephones and getting imme points out that Mr. LL's earliest ambition Our contemporary A gossip-write WINSTON CHURCHI was to he an act is wise not to disclose the name of the man Ww o talked hin out of it. fixed it is im- n any quantity,” says a building trade journal. They . eard of our coal- ‘“ Whateve p ce | possible to get stone have evidentl | dealer, Nothing of } value has been gained by the War,” complains a daily paper. This slur on the O B.E. is in ] . + + shocking taste. A Sunday newspapel dep! ves that no means of checking is still spreading throughout the country. If only the yuld publish the amount there seems to br the crime-wave Whiel Government diate answers is now solved. It appears that he is a well-known ventriloquist with a weakness for practical jokes. “According to the the population of £5,621,000.” latest census return New York City is now Indian Paper. In dollars, of course, it would be con- siderably more “The R V il Dutch Mail steamer Stuyvesant will leave on Monday at 5 a.m. for Havre and Amsterdam. The tender leaves the Light | house Jetty at 8 a.m. punctually with pas West Ind Rather a mean trick to play on them } sengers.” Paner. | “The Chairman said the Council had never paid one penny for the the fire brigade,” viling and washing of Local Pape It is understood that while the noble fellows do not object to washing at reasonable intervals, they strongly de precate oiling as unnecessarily adding to the risks of their dangerous calling } i i i } H j is still confined to | : : /

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162 "PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. Li [SEPTEMBER 1, with delight ve rything smelt of the dear old briny: the | MR. SMILLIE’S LITTLE ARMAGEDDON. little boys running about with spades and pail the great | SHaLn she, the England unafraid, basketsful of fish; the blue jerseys of the red faced men | That came by steady courage through who, at rare intervals, toiled upon the deep At the far end | The toughest war was evé made of the platform I saw the reddest face of all. ¢) at of my And wiped the earth with Witi1am Two dear old landlord. 1 rushed to meet him : (Who. ; trikes us now s odd Ah me, ah me he inerusted pa peree ills of the Was . \ onrt { ttle god cle pot oirt me mn again. I took another mout ful of baeon a large) on S ( ut stood sere lf Bang! Someone was thumping on the r of my S er will ft \ | bathing-machine. What a glorious scent of rose from Cry “( ue!” on her kne lthe sea-washed floor! “ Are you coming asked a lo ke r gods of cheap | persuasive voice. “No, no, no!’ I shouted sly. “T] Sprea herself, a « } am going in What a dive! I never kne fore how | | na he pyr cing heel ( ] eMIil | superlatively vi iceful ny dives could be \ iv through | eee OT a are Ere | the breakers with a racing stroke Ove) my back, | a ae Se wien ios k ng fo mt — aut 1% on 3 4 this warm | should . ;Stay it} rhours am 1IOUTS ANC — Ps sei ‘ pa > e ; Sods Pah t Phat horrible incrusted paper b: again! J] ae, i* olted the remaining rasher | Thess ays see, howev The boat rocked gently in a glassy sé They were | the | ~ oer , . almost climbing over the gunwale in their ¢ ness to be And here I note what eaught. Lovely wet shining wriggly fellows; all the varieties | A rent in Labour's ‘ of the tishmonger’s slab and more. In season out, they | The priestly oracles disag didn’t care; they thought only of doing hor to my line. | And en a house No need in future for me to envy the little boys on the river- | Ruin occurs—ay! ther |bank who pulled in fish after fish when I never got a bite. | Alike { Labour and Be How delightfully salt the fish smelt! And sun drew | : out the scent of salt from the gently lappi ves It was ind anyhow I hope +t fall so quiet and estful Almost could | slumbered, | At or : of dawn Rig even as | pulled them in and in ana He jodels to the astor The waitress must have giggled. Onc n the ine | _ Lioyp GEORGE 1s bent crusted paper leered at me in all its horrible pink inerusti- | Nc 508 RO en ~ THOMAS’ ¢ ness. There was no -bacon left en my p But the } Nurses a scheme for saving SMILLIE's face be licious scent of salt still lingered. Alas, 1 liday Was | Why a oo j ovel | must speed me or I should miss thi 1 to town. | vt were ma, OE ms ‘Good-bye!’ I shouted to the manageres | shook her But. if he ; en iby the hand She seemed surprised. “* Su ppy time,” | And - P wit , I assured Nel l wish | could have it all O7* rain.” } \ hett ait 4 | She said something which I could not he: Sea-bathing 1} headpiec ; , ends to make me a little deaf. gotten anything—my pyjamas « r my shav- ng strop—would you be so kind as to send them on? A WHIFF OF THE BRINY., | Good bye a Something fluttered to the floor. The manager stooped. | As I entered the D.E.F. ¢ ' | BH Oa LO | oor. 1 ma c ) ae I I was just passing through the portals i marked me hie ( B VI , , , . | but tl ‘ OU Day orgotten this, she called i mi Lhe e cogel DUSINCSS bik ! a ’ . f just post ' It was the dear little square piece of paper which con- | just Ostp ei mv su rie j YD trey 4 . . ‘ lofty 2 \ el | } \ \ Lined my |! [ looked at it in amazement | vy guene OSS \« vt 1) “s t | | Zo me hry rege a 6a " . . What! | exclaimed—* only one-and-twopence for &| « LO if ’ a: ' t 7% \ ‘\ ( { \\ it | } } } rT re Ww a , hr | ach ‘On ) | »\ l ywn | would Shriny n-Sea be as .| poached ¢ ind bacon and all that salt flavour throw! | Novembe , | VeELV S@a-Datl ‘ = — —- Ing picnics on the san i tt \I » . me peo 1? Tdid ( ec Our Modest Advertisers. »all over wit thors awn ‘ 4 ) . : ; P me ail . ‘ na ple it J Inuropean lac (widow rather lovely, would hear from was her very own, not | Ar Officer or ( in in a similar position, with to keeping l clasped n ead mv inds | ‘ . | pa ! nial cc pondence.”—IJndian Paper. at the Inenu card A k nd waitres S ‘ ‘ | = —ememneeen ‘Poached egg and bacon 5 ly ‘A corres} I n the Air Force writes from Bangalore ‘:— While I ted | ; — | it ither amusing to notice the number of peo] : the English | A ‘ i | ~ | ‘ : ni | omn ty who h ne before seen an acroplan¢e ning up to | ‘Pp ( | | the aerodrome and gazir 1 wonder at the old buses.’ | All th . | Eve Standard, } j ' . ad ° . } - : : i] ven In | nglar ad this spectacle is still the opyect ¢ remark, ; | ; When the dish was brought I ; ly. Sadly 1] raised at thful of bacon cal “We really feel inclined to parody Kipling and say Swish !!! lhe exclamation.matr P One hand stuck in your dress shirt from to show he clin¢ : CHAM ACION-MarKs sig v the idenness aot) “5 Pymesiaes 3 with which the train swept into the statior [ leant a i sopdicame d your back, to signal, tax aga ss ; . int t leapt down Singapore Fvee Press. on to the platiorm and drew a ] = ae" m : é nga] : 4 : oe OG wre ihe sea In| We can only hi pe our esteemed contemporary will not huge whiffs the ozone rolled ir nowt | ale . . Us gurgled | feel this way again, : A —

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LONDON CHARIVARL. LOZ0 SEPTEMBER |, THE OR PUNCH, AD TO RUIN. i. - RO THE GAME?” “WHAT’S YOUR Mr, SMILLIE LABot RK NATIONALISATION,” FOR "RE “T’M OUT BY NATIONALISING STARVATION?” GOING TO BEGIN AH! AND YOU LABOUR, “

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164 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON THE ART OF POETRY. } itt ( w } S ‘ 1 é i re i { Poetry at ‘ i Wl | j t nat 3 ! lj. } aeivyerea i ! é ie { he ques | f t . | \ ) | ' ho ! r P roving nis mun i V ‘ y tl i trnpo wucenl P ! i ‘ } sur : A it e | ' La ( e y al 1) > I } ( " 1> n pa 7 +4 | y Wit his atte ptir ry) it SEPTEMBE! 1920 ‘ Ay PHUS e absence of (2 * It is: Leach , oui 1 Man to slope arjns re un- ; slo ye arms yo se a I ent \\ le l V { en We n thie rac n p in ( if hen you t p pin yourself, the ball di t t! District Railway. Still | is it seful if vou deliver a lon; ress t tudent. saving, “ H, L. Donerry yas a good player, and so ' RENSHAW, and I well remember the game between McLouGnanin and Wu WitpinG hit the ball over the t more | ften than McLouGHLIN di Those students who | led lectures more regul hers l yry there eof é vill i int € jus eu | t t have put tors theory ng 1c l was } ed tO i practicelrom nu iB My colle cue, so tar a I « vel makes one single attempt at } ctical ' sctane aS51stLance sm from oneof my d deal of plas piagiar Ile mal} es a for and even that is a minor Se aaah

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te Se a ath, lncevmasnen 1; 1000.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165 | — -—s - as | oy c! safe the principle and influence of theItalian Canzone, which simply means | having a lot of ios andiiie lines and a few six-syllable ones. Students will | reamembet that in our second lecture we | wrote a poem on that principle which | finished | Terood! in rdle—umt kKniferorstrife) | Where have they put my hat | That lecture was prepared on May 27th; } my colleague s lecture was delivered on | June Sth. It is clear to me that in the| interval—by what discreditable means | I know not he obtained access to | my manuscript and borrowed the ide a, | thinking to cloak his guilt by specious | talk about the Italian Canzone. The | j device of offering stolen goods under | new name is an old one, and will help | him little; the jury will know what to] think. Apart from this single piece of (second hand) instruction, what contribution does he ike to the student's know- | lledge of the Art of Poetry? He | makes no reference to comic poetry at all; apparently he has never heard of | the Limerick, and I have the graves | | doubts whether he can write one, though that, I admit, is a severe test [ am prepared however to give him a| public opportunity of establishing his fitness for his post, and with that end I propose to put to him the paca, problems, and if his answers are sat factory | shall most willingly modify |} my criticisms; but he must ‘write on one side of the paper only and number | his pages in the top right-hand corner. | 1) e Pr ble ms, {1) What is the metre ol :— | | the other grasshopper jumped righ er grasshopper’s ba (2) Fini sh the uncomplet ted Limeric given in my Second Lecture, beginning : | ( , \ I HAD ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ROUND B& ATURA ENTS ts young man who said ‘Hell! | Waitress, * THAT'LL BE ANOTHER TUPPENC! I don't think I feel very well."’ Cu 0 1 THOSE THAT ARE HOLLOW, YOU KNOW | 3) In your inaugural lecture y vu | Wa M--ONE OF THEM. THAT'LL BE FOURPENCI Is t true, Ol not, th it the great | ————— . ° _ a “~ 4 ; ~ ons =* a pes f - — emumeaneitis turnphs of poetical art often come! sent 4 poem to an Mditor, ending with | (11) rind ' oa suddenly ?"" The answer you give is| *#e nes , ; , most unsatisf wctory; give a bette one} The lier ered icheered again— | . \“ Carefully nee nd vue ibove so now, illt strating the answer fro pees It was the Pr WALES. | that they rhyine properly | own works (On July 20th the Editor writes and | (b) Do yOu a5 & mater oO principle . approve of these kinds r} ie? isavs that he likes t! e poem very much, j approve of t! e kinds ot rhyme? f t ‘ , ove of t ; nd wishes to print it in his August (¢ If e) xt, GO you appl ve ol them in t) Write a Ballade of which the | refrain is either “ r : . i) SHAKSPEARE, (ii) Worpswortnh, (ili) number, but would be glad if you « yuld ‘ | 4 (a) i tuation is extremels \ | A ” - PHELLEY, (iv) ANY seriou sLUSSIC . on make the poem refer to Mr. or Mrs a — \ rs Ww. | or l Dor GLAS FAIRBANKS instead of the — ‘ > Lhe | mpire is not what it was; |p RINCE, Hermust ive the pi ot by the i \ it Great World War,’ | or | firs ist to-morrow as he 1s gotng to| pre-war pr Rs. 40, Wh fiers? Perfect.” | | | y | 5 wo rarcnt Indian Paper, | (c) We lived to see Lord BirnkENHEAD press. Show how you W yuld recon ; l ; press your last verse. \ clear case of propheteering Nore.—Extra marks will be given | ; f P ‘ , ' ider thef llow ao acace - | ‘Or an attempt at (5) because of the} (6) Consider the lollowing passages From an li Labour manifesto:— | sbortage of rhymes to was. | (i) I] little p | “Jonp se cate. thawenee tiftable. may | 7 H 1 ; | : : ‘ (a) \ hat would you do In the follow | And if I } th ‘ t Paper. | ing circumstances? In May you have} She'll do me no harm. Remember what happened at Kilkenny

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166 THE PRIVILEGES PUNCI OF MAR {f, OR THE GOTISM. Something was said Punch \a eek a the adva I encer of | gt (or her) ow Jou A iB Ml ASQUITH 8! ! ulventures with t i ! i ” , friends, of fair fame t ! es u! t certain of the pitfalls incident to tl lout } en the aut raphe emote from his (or h i al il t h 1 da Ss 4 overtat hil I “Ol h } : e preat dang ediate | t f ‘ - : From “Tae Maroorist’s Ri SCENCES the Autho is lesniel I Have ] ( l ! i j deriv ] he j 5 i the i I i ‘ eli One of my dearest friends in the « is ,* , T)> | Mr. Sadrock I have known eleve i eM ~ time and have assurances trom a sy ssed, that but for me and my viva : 1} . } hey would neve1 have pulled throug! I : " "I afr ieee pie ferred Robert Elsmere to the Ilia while ng the same conversation he confessed to a | s10n 101 ces 0 Dissenters, which, he said, often | f ented sicoqgnil No hiographer can disregar such | t s, and we must revise our opinion of the great} 4 i es accordingly. BE. Vv. L. | : i » | Gent's } g Suit, Tennis Trousers, Sweat Black Silk | lad ly Paper. | . d j leat . | ‘ , Che revolutionary movement in Ireland seems to have reached even the fashions. ‘ LONDON LY Wed ; ported on reliable authority that General W gel has | to withdraw to the Cinema in compliance with the 1 rms of | j ! i armistice,” S fal an (Calcutta) | lt beheved that “Mary” and “Dove.” were greatly re- | } ° | | heved to be rid of so dangerous a rival. WV hie +} lemoralisation at so 0 ae 4 ond hotels to } bn tem 4lisation at some of our great Lond ! i ve |] € to reasonable s ce and cleanliness On ever I hear ! t meth t attendance and dirtv rooms As f clean | bathroom, they appear on the Ides of Marcl Sunday Paper. \t om ( tel we understand, they failed to remember the | Ide sf March and are now waiting for the Greek Kalends. cee

UNE Sins

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SWEATER, *“DO-IT-YOURSELF” AGE. FATHER’S HOME-MADE THE pound n~ —_ = - — am i — — me pe ed he A A ~~ wm 5 pe || | —9 1} | oy [—- i_ > — & ~- [a a o~ _— « — nr ~ | a4 a ‘ fed SEPTEMBER 1, 1920.)

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LONDON CHAR IVARL. [SEPTEMBER 1, 1920. 168 _PUNCH, OR THE | not appe al f yr youl sympathy, I merely wish to describe my position, the diffi- doubt be indreds of other children THE REVOLT OF YOUTH. We publish a few selected letters | from the mass of correspondence which | par illeled in mnection with the | holds 1 have three Silelagagy culties of which might no house- whose briefly has reached us in c controversy initiated by “A Parent” in The Morning Pos | characteristics may be thus eamiaadileat (1) Pamela, aged nineteen, is an Lat DATION, j | A LeGcuMiINnous i ultra-modern voung woman She hates adores SCRIA- BENEDETTO | polities of all shades but BINE, STRAVINSKY and SIR I confess I cannot share the iunxiety of the Parent who complains of the child of two and .-half years who addressed her learned | attire and parent as “ Old bear As a convinced | the art of ornamental objurg Montessorian I recognise in the appel- 2) Gerald, aged twenty-three, 1s war- lation a gratifying evidence of that self-| weary; resentful of ll beginf— Fe there sewildered Croce. She smokes cigars, W iS a pertect command of ation, authority expression which cannot Moreover derogatory too young. . is nothing in the phrase; on the contrary I am , assured on the best authorty, that it is a term of endearment ratherthan reproach all, as a Vegetarian I we But, : above | slcome | the choice of the term as an In- | dication of the growth ol the | revolt against carnivo? tality. If the child had called her parent a” kipper "’ or “ there would have able ground for resentment. But us bru- } in question | SAUCY | a silly old sausage’ | been reason comparison with a bean in- volves no obloquy, but rathe panegyric. the noblest of ve; exceptionally rich in protein, I The bean is one of vetables and is calories, casein, carbo-hydrates thymol, hexamy]l, salicylic ganate of popocatapet piperazine, dioxide, and perman This a] aac parent, if his learning | ears male | only endure my companionship on 5 the conditions that I smoke (which makes me ill); that I emulate the excesses of her lurid lingo (which makes me si juirm), and that I paint my face (which m on me look like a mode ‘rn Me ssalin i, Whi¢c h [am not). Gerald is prepared to vecept me as a “ pal,” provided that | play David to his Saul by regaling him on Sunday mornings with negroid melodies, which he punctuates with snorts on the trombone. If he knew that | went morning at an end between us. thony wants me to remain as I was and really am. So you see that ——} to lead not a dual but a life, and am only necessity of making it quadruple by the fact that my husband is fortunately dead. As Pamela ito early service all \ uld be Final ully, An- [ have triple spared the gracefully remarked the other | day, “Tt was a good t gs es poo! father that he went West ' bass in the | ivenly Oo sing | cho ir before we grew up In | leonclusion I ought to admit lthat my future is not thout | | prospects of alleviation Pamela | | has just announced her engage- | }ment to an archdeacon of pro- | nounced Evangelical views; | Gerald is meditating a pro- | longed tour in New Guinea with | Bolshevist mission Ant} ony | | contemplates neither matrimony | nor expatriation. I am, Sir, Yours respectf A Mtpp.e- h AGED MorTHer Tue Cry or THE CHILD AUTHOR was real, ought to have recog Sir,—As a novelist and dra- nised at once, instead of fool- | matist whose work has met with ishly exploiting a fancied griey ON ea high encomiums from Mr. J. L. unce. Yours farinaceously, OUR SPORTING PURIST Garvin, Mr. C. K. Sxorrer, | , ‘ i VAn i vin | JOSIAH VEDGELEY. | ‘ . : pore es Mr. JAMES DovuGLAS and Lord | | AX U! I r j mm ' Wor! : Howarp DE WALDEN, | wish to | [ne Orp Compraryt. j AN THE FOOTBALL SEASON wa ee a —— dectencentiumenil impress upon you wha Lt HiRk,—Some sixty years ag | was |“ bored stiff’ by any musie save of the | readers the hardships and restrictions rebuked by my lather {ton addressing | syn pated brand, and he di vides his him as * Governo Thirty years later}time between Jazz-dancing with the I was seriously offended with my own|d Ll teryour f a gloomy dean and son for calling me an “old mug.” Hej attend g meetings of pro Bolshevist in turn, though not by any means a | ext . learned man, has within the last few } 3) Anthony, aged twenty-six, is a weeks been irritated by his school-boy | soldi \ egular’’; restrained in son derisively addressing him as an | speec! x Vv it old-fashioned in his “old dud.” The duel be tween fathers tastes [his summer he spent his and sons is as old as the everlasting | leave fishing in Scotland and took with hills, and the rebels of one generation | him two books—the Life of Stonewall] become the fogeys of the next I have | Jaci ind the Bul é. It is hardly no doubt that in moments of expansion | nec: ssary to add that Gerald is not on the young Marceuius alluded to his | speaki 1g terms with him. august parent as “ faba antigua As for } ] nyself, Yours faithfully while anxious to keep with my wayward brood, I i er ae mae i é strain of accommodating my- sell to their varied requirements almost other Id »}more than I ean DENEX, in touch stand. Pamela can which the tyranny of parental control stillimposes on juvenile genius I recently cele brated my sevent birth- day, mv father and mother have t mily refused to provide me with either a} latch-key or a motor-bicycle. Owing to the lack of proper accommod ition in my nursery my literary labours are carried on under the greatest difficulties and hampered by constant inten from my nurse, a vulgar woman with limited vocabulary and no aspirates [ say though I might say much, of the jealousy of adult autnors the pusillanimity of unenterprising pub- lishers, the senile indifference of Parlia- ment. But I warn them that, unless the just claims of youth to economic and intellectual independence are speedily 4 nothing,

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Srememner 1, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, — 169 } i - ae _ “a — we me - “a } ; 4 uti ota aity poi mun ~ whit 3 iM! ve } : i 15 i ‘2 t} ed Hf - : i est Meinber (seeking free ac ¢ ft ri t of fre professional who is giving a lesson to another player). ‘ FUNNY | EVERY TIME I DRIVE THIS MORNING | SLICE LIKE THAT WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE CAUSI 4 ssional (afier deep thoug ‘WeELL, Sik, MEBBE 3 NO’ HITTIN’ 'EM RIGHT,” } | r edged, the children } ina r | Warm as a weleome the red of the til i Gon ee enes Sng WESTWARD HO! | wel 1} ce them by direct clion ¢ : : 1 | lage is, | 1 “OB 1 MES f iY es iittie w al ' + + ; tin t ruthless kind. The brain that JAM) sa te : es ane! Green are the pastures, and deep a eradle rocks the world rOuUDIe yol | Down in the combes little thatch-ce i| ’ Q ‘ j ‘ if } Yi dignantly, Pansy Bas RI : : - : ered Village 1 . \leet | ! on Station, G WW | — i) | 4 I i \ DoGGeREL SuMMARY R id q | ive follow 1 1 " Far s¢ é to A hn) iM \ UL cM Lhence Wop be not t lIked by ar wou . ia : oversy with interest and \ tere Wearing de ilised boots | * sf : bea ‘ i - . Fl et in up its progress , ! Railw ' : mist freal Clad in our countrified (Deeley-cu + ‘3 f 1 laby eC worst ines ll ie ( i We'll make a bold bid for freedom on } Mallaby) if . j | { ~ | is an old don so engt l Ss ira: i t ng his rule of ther Week } That he made quite a scen } We'll o’er the moor where the wavs ; vhen addressed as ** Old bea }Care ina e p n or on the s ps; never wea te to compla nid I | | 4 , | i +4 ; : deck Lunch at a prin ve pub | 1} eupon the d ples of Wt 8 Foot, | she nt us in vain | Loaf till it’s time to get back more 4 da chori of yelis | } } } : eee 4 t ; () f f Se son the ten-thirty af ou ; \nd they fell up A 3 P | Vith unfilial rage Exe | ty I | ; i t lv ‘ { } i i fe l ry : 1 ; : | ? aye ' [ . apiy Some he pouring arbtyimoo!} i: Li 1 Yours, (GFJALLIO JUNI i} Ours no ‘ { here you run up H pi ge eo ) | i] _—- iniauitou brooklet ‘i e ———— j it he toate Mis ; : Tempt us at ¢ t et out } Wa ’ Green! in hand, and endeavour to 1 9 ' SWITZERLAND AGAIN. |} Bills at the “ Royal” or * Grand, | hoc k | ttle I } ' Kj sitee Tenet sestonah witl i. brief | Blatant with pier and parade and ubi eart tions since the season began nes, | quitous . } | ist as In England. b ' } > . 1 } r_.3 1 } ,; : ,| No “silver sea ere the gaudy and | Well, there’s a programme for three Al i Married Woman, Was charged : - | } } | th ee anni her husband | middy come i weeks of heaven, shee | i inding t rae : } | na labourer, by st ing him with | We're for a eacerulier alr Bliss, uf you add to the scheme + Da tf toncues.”—J] Farm eggs and bacon and junket and pea Pape Breathing of e Ti Cobley and | } Devonshire | } . ' , i is Our Sympathy He might Widdicon | just as well have heen a bigamist Fai } CHARLES h Cream.

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THE LONDON CHARIVARL SEPTEMBER |, 1920

} } Customer fuen I WONDER U Two or three hundred yards behind the sandhills, which seem to be de | SAND SPORTS. serted but are really full of sudden hol- | lows, with embarrassing little bathing | tents in them, the village sports have just been held They took place in | > ee eae oT tee | Sloping grass held kindly len for t | occasion by Mi Bates This means | that you paid a shilling to enter th | field, whereas on other days vou can picnic in it or play cricket in it without paying anything at all. Mr. Bates is a kind of absentee landlord so fa) us on Tuesdays and Fridays, which for dinner It was an interesting aftern J for many reasons, most of all per- | haps because many of the yisit saw each other for

time clothes—in land clothes, I mean—an it is wonderful how much smarter some | of them looked than when popping red!

< WISps of halt erences at Lympne, | jred stars, usin we are concerned, for he is the butcher | at Framford, four miles away, and only | brings the proceeds of his butchery to the reason why on Mondays and Thur : curing an Olympic palm. days one usually has eggs and bacon truck me as being ged; dull events, like in a corner by the sack race and the egg

4 there Was a syst VM cun, “CERTAINLY, Sil ES UNTIL I'VE FINISHED MY I | capping according to the welg 1 age | of the potatoes I was unable t leter imine. I do feel confident, however, j that that girl with the yellow hair and the striped skirt to whom the first ors competed | prize was quite incorrectly awarded by any of | the judges had put some trea i , but |} But there, I will be magnamn , The postman was a great success | He had acquired a light Suit ol V alls,on which he had painted three large g, | hope, Gover! nt red ink, and with black cheeks la | floured nose footed it solemnly to the lap, and it was | music of the Framford Comrades | Band. He also ran underneath the g|lath at the high jump and tumbled d| down in trying to put the shot WI round the field children could be heard | asking, ‘What zs he doing, Muminy and, when they were told, “ Hush, | . + ; |dears, he's doing it for a joke thew eves danced and they tried for a moment - , es” } _ to control their emotion and then broxt t into shrieks of laughter. All the dith- cult open events which were not won e middle. | by a young man in puce-coloured shorts | } ‘ . . } . sea potatoes instead of eggs, but | were won by a friend of his in a yellow em of handi-'shirt. I have an idea that these two

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1920. SEPTEMBER I,

LONDON CHARIVARLI.

PUNCH, OR THE

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NSE. BUT ‘ 4 Sk ’ COMMON SSION Ol 7 vi} A SE IT’S NOT OF COURSE THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT; FOR THAT.” NONE THE WORSE IT’S EXPERIENCE, BY MY

6S ~ St. be es |i I] Ses | c 2 Ee an i ana.) 2 me) ms 4 | a: a oo Vw = ; 7 3 rr — — > ee — —_ < - . _— a z= Oo -— <- as pe ly a | | < | 1] oa

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ce een een Ee NR 1 nena nen

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———— it was als y emptied of its folk this pious | afternoon and was in fact holding aquatic | windy day, Competitors to leave start- | revels. Little fishing-boats with brown | ing post in wae attire, enter tent, | Sails were turning about a given mark very probably a comic man dressed up | Shy to enter with gusto into the local | SerrTeMBER 1, 1920. PU} NCH, “OR THE MODERN Ta . * Dips’: I Give you SOMETHING IN HIGH ’ STREET young men came from Framford andj people buy stamps at the post-office, | doing this kind of thing getting priz go rout g and| but, as you get bacon and spades and zes for it, just as Mi Bates | buckets and jam there, it is a pretty goes round selling his beef. | p ypular emporium, an Amidst all this fun and frolic, if you} of event went up to the top of one of the sand- | one. 1 { think my list should prove an attractive it runs as follows :— hills and looked across the blue bay t« HS lL. Pebble and Tent Competition.- the litt! you saw that | I To be run le seaport opposite, ‘athers of families only. if possible at low tide on a wet and sostume, strike tents, swim to a given point, return, pitch tents, dress land run to winning-post. emerge in bathing | [here were rowing races and diving le to the sea, compe | sprint over shing titions and a greasy pole and} oe i | i | | } | as a buoy | First Prize, a ham sandwich, with I have pondered deeply ovel these | real sand } Race.—Under ten. Com- | peti itors to start barefooted in rock- | por Is and race at the sound of a dinner- | be ll to nurses, have feet dried, put on } | | i twin feasts, and has occurred to me 2. Sock that, whilst land sports and sports are both of things in their way the real genius of a maritime and also that we water them very good , heither expresses | i shoes and stockings and run to row of visitors, if we are too| First bun down Points deducted for resort, buns at top of beach. wins. sand in games, ought to provide some suits ann | | socks entertainment in return. I have cor 3. Hundred Yards Paddle pile d therefore a programme of a . un “dl To be run get : the edge of surf. each Gala for next week, and have|dicap by position Tallest competitor Dash.— Han- rHIS MORNING?’ Artist. * Yus had a notice put up in the post-office |to have deepest station. Open to all window inviting entries. Not to be lifted clear many! ages and sexes Feet LONDON CHAR IV ARI. 173 | oP A, wee ‘MEY me 4 BUSINESS METHODS. , Mum. I've A BRANCH THERE.” of the water at every stride. Properly raced this is a fine frothy event, pro ductive of the greatest enthusiasm, espe cially if the trousers come unrolled 4. Sand Castle Contest.- Open to all families of eight. Twenty minutes time limit. Largest castle wins. contain real sea-water. Impromptu Picnic.—Ladies only Materials must be collected from the village shops, down beach and spread out at winning flag. For the purpose of this competition the sports must take place on a Thursday, when the weekly visit of the green- grocer coincides with one of the bi- weekly visits of the baker from Fram- ford. ‘Eggs and butter must be obtained at the Mill Farm, and you can do the rest at the post-office 6. Fifty Yards Hat Race.—Under five. Fathers to be seated in a row on beach. Competitors to remove fathers’ hats, run twenty-five yards, fill hats with sand, return and replace hats. In order to prevent any ill-feeling that might arise from the thou, ght that I had practised any of these races in private beforehand I have elected to be the judge vor. Moats must , nt brought Site ues: Sage: TT ee } i PES TY SER CL Medecioe SS

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CHARIV ARI. the remarkable and alar AT My ot BACK. : : : ure he had oy experi THE ROOM with ‘the tnhentios rad Dunmoral Avenue, allow the butcher’s boy to a ze aiaial and perhaps the cook nis mo uth open [September 1, 1990. | irming 1 J 1 ; the French-win iow, he | J & quiet ke, and uted himself and leaned ba than an | had ere) ipon him aware of a curious logs | he had bes ible to | » its widest extent When he mavenble lorce | i seen when the Potti nec and it was on y by it endous | i to kee p bi sense and +s ae cual effort of will that he hac esolutely refuse l that he } ee a —J un the bed smiled oy ( ioing he mor & so fe quiet DY the took hin f by an er dis cur: | rence, After the way lof her kind, Mrs. Pot- | grew's A ‘ irlotte | ttra y the {1 room Ww! LLL > Ul e @X- , ile ithe und 1 to l or char the J vil a Leu ‘ iff nd Line jy \ rew had des mi struggle t bust nep rri iousne VV hie sie lew m Sie * snattered bi epall iwination, buted npathy w i Potti- of slops uri ( uld nastication. climax. E n the yned Mr. Pr tLigre back } wa rec ya walled. ‘Ser >) The doc ars i to the! I 1S h, just of an ap j This, ot cou;rse s } ‘ 1S Pottigrew was shocked to see | and range of sweat \ grave professional bedside and beckoned Mr spi niheed to PS

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ARR tb i i ; extraordinary case, Sir, said the ‘ cl the door behind him, “is the outcome of e beyond the present scope of the medical profession. trong, firm teeth—a splendid set ung man do not ump out of his head of their ow eve of them, for any natural 1 He paused and lowered his voice as he cont Mr. Pottigrew, | veve reluc in the pos bility, that there >; n doub nha haunted house The previous le poor Mr. Acres. The room wl operating room. IHe died im ti ring gas t } elf pre} ratory to @€2 Mrs. Gamp Rediviva. U expenenced bottle fe l £40) t * Speeding the Parting Guest 41S proving an attract . tre, for L others have departed the edauring the We think it only kind to suppress the names ¥ demands for « apital whether for privat 1 « had been met « it f the sayin s of the te } Mr. Punch may perhaps be pern self given currency to a number of capi } i Hho | throe f the most ghastly terror of her history, the elements in the Irish nation will see an all-compelling ‘ ng the demon of strife Indian Pape Unfortunately they seem to be doing so only too d that, now-+that their unhappy count PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 75 HAD A RIS! NLESS IT WAS THE SPLASH ' ANOTHER WAR TO END WAR An address to the League of Natio lea i that j ! dering a scheme to tackle the rat plas Not yours to lure the lands of C or Crescent Back from Bellona where she bangs her drun Nor make this Hades, anyhow at present, ‘] he New lysi il ko till the sword gleams mig er that rhe Risen aT ian at the: an} surope, you Li notice, at the b es beck Confess now that the case of Mr. Lent Gets vou right in the neck So I have read with wondrous sa Feeling in this your hands are far from tied That you propose to emulate the acti Ot Ham lin’s Pip } P ed And though the task prove hard ind evel are From your crusade, I trust, you never cease Till you ve restored good will to every lardei And to each pantry pe Then, when the cocksure critic i crudens Pops you the question while his back he pats What have vou done? i { i last thank goodness, One ready answel Ra “Pur yin three one-act opera errom : a oan as @ typtich . . ."—Evening Paper. But what about the spelling of “Puceinni’? We fear jour contemporary has, after all, been caught triptyching. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL, I wife's labour-saving devices, ot HOW TO BUILD A HOUSE. yet tor eng aga age doe ee, THE DISSI ne only way to build house pro-| bath-room with a circular ba h hanging | Tu telep! perly is to employ an architect to build} by chains from the ceiling and a spirit | beginning bi it for you All the best houses are! stove under ul your pet invention. | built by architects—any architect will! Recall a pressing engagement, hake | tell you that But of course you will|the architect firmly by the hand ind} In an em always be allowed to say that you built pro! to come and see him next | member ny it, so it will come to the same thing Tuesday about details. In the interval The walls of an are covered with drawn public buildings wh has erected in every ¢ here are also a few ,] 1 Homes of England w in bis spare time While you are wal these with vour own scheme of the six-| one drawing-room, one study (with one sain, this time with a shade of weari roomed villa you propose to build round window), three bedrooms, one 8S In its tone. ‘* Chesterminster At last vou are ushered into the pre circula bathroom (with one circular} wants you - ence and unless a st pipe protrud bath) and one tool-shed to hold one tool, | | wasn't going away, becau © before ne from your waist« pocket suggests Kven so you will probably have to| Suzanne left me to visit her relatives in that vou are travel in somebody's | make concessiot Your window will| Middleshire 1 had yowed that noth ng wiiatoi you wll ~ hbably be asked be hex won sl and your bath square | would induce metodo so. But ( ester- to t down, and 1 even be given a But your worl sare over, Che archi | minster wanted me, What | ild that wretl« There difieulty inj tect will choose a builder and hetween | portend P pening your busine Che architect |them they will build your house during} ‘Tell them,” I declaimed to the | ( an eeatas lance Ww it you have come! the next « yea which you will spend | mouth pie 6 while | Instinclive | sed for and says quite ply, * You want!in lodging It is a long time to wait.|for the camera, “that I feel (y eatly to build a ho ( cert ni Dut y i will tind plenty of | honoured by their nVvitaty ind in I do eply amusement in oceasionally counting} other circumstances | | 1 have liow many reé pt rooms ? the number of bricks that bave been | bee n delighted to come forward as their This rather stagger You had | laid since last time And then in 1926,| Candidate. The Parliamentary history intended to have wy reception | as you si ke your pipe in yout study |of Chesterminster constitut ne of msatall. You never give rece ption nd va t ur hexagonal window,|the most romantic ch upte n the All vou wanted was a dining-room and uu will not covet the Paradise of Apam,| chronicles of England ; but just now I 1 drawing-room, and a study with aj the first gardener. lam busy writing verses for ni veek's round window over 1 hire pl ice . . — | Back ¢ hat, so , But it is evidently impossible to cor ‘Tf you will keep on talkin » your- fide this to the architec : il you can RHYMES OF THE UNDERCROUND. self y ul won f sl connected inter- do is to reply as naturally a8 You can \dolp Mint esid if Kew | rupted the voice, ‘You re thr-t ough About half-a-dozen And doe people Ought t » do Chesterminster.” Kight reception roon \ l In| , my -_ , “Are you Chelsea niner-seven-double urchitect And how many bedrooms”? Orr alas: P Ae SSeS Ww seven?” inquired a new voice, a little 1 ’ T " | ’ t olf] the ca | . dont really Know thout one Ther | * himaalf 4 eal | more distant but not so haus ty each Dah truce i bd nie: Pag ms | “No, nine—L mean nine vuble ['wenty bedroot yests the es etic iano seven-seven,” I replied. architect (there ire em n mur T"} » " lestination be | “Same thing,” said = the a of family). “ And did Ly a garage to} No golf RL SCL Pe | Chesterminster. “Stokelamptor ints hold two cars”? Rat ar ¢ in bea sucl mputation you.” by this time vou realise that you are} He ‘Il tra havond } tation. . « Toll them den bevan, hut my engaged in a game methis like | oratory was drowned by a rapid succes auction bridge and so fa ur Opponent | H inexceptionable t ion of small explosions, and out of has done all the over-calling | Ken liftn en KNOWN bo praise this unholy crepitation emerged a still Double two cai you ¢ ‘ \ folk cet nd cl small voice which said, “Is t citedly a Not giv ) praising er-much darling?’ Then I suddenly ren “ Five rey. Sage An . lenotl me ‘ bered that Stokehampton is Suzanne 8 ™ SAX Cars — | a We : = at Lite ma @ Grim relatives’ nearest town of call, <sarage to hold on pears | eas i - “They want you to come to-morrow the Architect, cont Ing deren! You ae : “¢ a lor the week end,” said Suzanne. “I cet of ‘e wrill e Hn { oe ‘ , 86 ON} ‘ idea , lied to them and said you were busy ons scale will c it you east twent Adolp! M who lives at Kex working, but they said you can have housand pounds Dov oT i = 4 ’ . ithe library to vourseH wheneve you honestly think it woul a hann at ¢} Ret to bed b PO C101 | WEES ES, GG spoke 30 nicely about you TERRE, ’ 1p av l ) | ived by half past seven | Chat 1 couldn't refuse to ring you up a Af th ' , | And é ed he'll go to Heaven, | Besides, [ want you to come, and the Alter this the aang to do 1s t | figs and the mulberries are in splon lid rat away as quickly as p ible It} Per ups | rone; I've never met | form.’ would bo pure bathos t st any| His like at Kew or elsewhere yet Suzanne knows that my idea of hich he has put up nce a gardenet cott | “Just hol hitect's office are! y CAN COMpose a letter at vour leisure, | it up,’ | beg rs of enormous | informing him that in view of the high | ich the architect cost ol

erials, etc., ete., you have} tory and, cut apital ol Kurope | decided to postpone the building of { on the statelier! your house, but you desire to build at| that keeps n (so that the yy ne grounds eye, at last fe

gardene) cur be gett ting you compare | int » order) containing one dining-roerm, “Don't ge

[SEPTEMBER 1}, 1999 MULATION OF SUZANNE. one bell rang just as 1 wag eakfast. “What is your number, pl pa HeASE / asked an imperious voice ergency ] neve can re. owb number ion a minute while I look ged. Feverishly | turned over the leaves of the telep) one direc. ting with a blunt finger the page containing the small advertisement 1y name before the publie yund and transmitted the desired information. » awayy said the voice

|

|

| | | j | | |

Bains PRLS me a f ' i

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CHARIVARL, LONDON THE ) \ PUNCH, OI 1920 SEPTEMBER THE QUESTION OF THE YACHTING CAP. DECIDED TO GO | oi) Hh D HARRY, HE SAID, AN h iA pl me) } Likkh EVERY OOK t i LO \ WJ DIUN"I CAP (} YACHTIN

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amenities a asta Nb en . anTi ' —- STUAD 6 a a : 178 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [SEPTEMBER 1, 1920, | | — —. - - — —-— ~ _ o — = . ST daeapiananemamgerebenstelt - ane an nace — — a enemas cae - CS RC 34 Fleaven is a garden full of fig-trees and “Then they didn’t spot anything?” | boy arrived. Before anybody could dis. | mulberry - bushes at the appropriate “No,” said Suzanne—“ no, | don't} cover whom the wire was addressed to, | season of the year. But it was raining | think so.” | Suvanne snatched it from the boy, tore homi | ; ; ane ate ¢ hard, and J abominate week-ends; and| After dinne: that night I was playing |it open, placed her hand in the region | Suzanne's relatives are well-meaning | billiards with Toby, who is Suzanne's | of her heart and exclaimed, ‘Oh, how | folk who always want to arrange your jaunt’s nephew-by-marriage. We had| provoking! Poor Percival’s } Bion ; " then day for you. the room to ourselves she turned it the right way up, looked | “No, Sazanne,” I said, “ emphati- “ Dull part of the world this,’’ he re- | unutterably foolish and meekly handed cally, no, I can’t think of aconvincing|marked. “ By the way, what about jit over to Aunt Lucy. It was from the | excuse at the moment, so you'd better | that malaria of yours ? old lady’s stockbroker and referred to | | say I'll be delighted to come. * But to- “What about it?’ I observed shortly. | some transaction or other in Housing morrow morning you'll get a wirefrom| ‘Comes and goes rather suddenly, Bonds.” me announcing that I'm sick of the | doesn't it?’ } “And what did Aunt Lucy say?” | palsy—no, malaria, which they know “Very,” I agreed. “It’s one of the | I asked. . S I sometimes get—and that'll give you | suddenest diseases ever invented.” | “Oh, she just looked the least little | a good ground for returning yoursél “*Inyented’ is a good word,” said! bit surprised,” replied Toby, “but she | to-morrow. Your three minutes ~~ ; ————— didn't utter. Suzanne had to em- is up. Good-bye.” With the inspiration still fresh upon me I wrote out the telegram and rang for Evangeline. “ Evangeline,” 1 said, “I may possibly be detained in bed to-mor row morning. In case that should happen ’’—-she never betrayed even a flicker of the eye, although she could, an she would, tell Suzanne some damning tales of late rising during her absence —“ please send | this telegram off before breakfast ; that is, before your breakfast.” Evangeline curtseyed and with- drew. I had spent my leisure mo- ments during the week teaching her the trick, as a surprise for Suz- anne on her return Next morning, as I lay in bed thinking out the subject of my next Message to the Nation, | was grati fied to notice that the rain had ceased and the sun was shining genially. I thought of Suzanne and the refreshing fruit in Suzanne's | relatives’ attractive gardens, Should | I go after all? I rang the bell | | “Has that wire gone yet?” [| asked. id Indeed I took it these two hours | back,”’ replied Evang | looked at my watch and grunted., | j J STREET ARAB'S EJACI YAH—SHR-R-RUP! li enune, “ Bring me a telegram-form,” I com-|Toby. “You're a bit of an inventor, | | manded, “and some hotter hot water.” | aren't you ? | So, having wired to Suzanne: *Mal-| ‘ What do you mean? Are you yen- | aria false alarm only passing effects of i . | tj} tu ing to Imply | overwork coming by the one - thirty | ’ | Perctvan,” I found myself at t | being nursed back to health on mul-|to breakfast in her travelling-clothes, | I | berries-and-cream administered by the | And that wasn’t all.” ‘l in ply nothing. | brace the muddiest of all thee cker es to hide her flaming cheeks.” | “ Well, what happened then?” “Then ? Ob, then the telegraph- hoy fished out another wire from | | his wallet. I took it, glanced at the | envelope and handed it to Suzanne, | This time she read it very g ngerly before exclaiming in a highly un- emotional voice: ‘Oh, how pro- |voking! Poor Percival's got one of his sudden attacks of malaria }and can't come. So, if i don’t | | mind, Aunt Lucy, I'll catch the | leleven-fifteen back.’ Aunt Luey } was very sympathetic and went up | to help her with her packing, which | was accomplished in a surprisingly | short time; as a matter of fact she | | had practic ully done it all before | | breakfast. Just as she was going | to drive off to the station up came | jan ther telegraph - boy Phat was | } your second wire, and Suzanne | i didn’t seem any too pl ed to re- | | ceive it. I’m not at all convinced,” | | concluded Toby, “that your wife | iwould make her fortune on the i stage.’ i “Do you think Aunt Lucy sus- | pects?’ I asked. | Bless you, no. The dear old | as ——! thing has the heart of a child.” Maybe, but I have my do thts. Su- | zanne’s aunt insisted on my staying | a week asa preventive against a nel yous | breakdown, and the tonic with which | . [ merely state | she herself dosed me several times a | ea-time | that this morning Suzanne came down | day was the most repulsive beverage | had ever tasted, effectually ruining | fe , | the savour of figs and mulberries. Can - icitous hands of Aunt-by-acquisition “Wasn't it?” I inquired weakly.|it be that Aunt Lucy is not only of | } Lucy. i Tell me the 4 , j ) or Tea | ; 1 Te il me the worst, & suspicious but also of a re engeful | Well, said to Suzanne a little} “All th igh breakfast,’ continued | nature ? | later as we strolled in the direction of | Tol } DY With relish ; ; : , ‘she was restless and the fig-trees,“ how did it go off—my | off her feed ‘eed, and appeared to be listening | declares that she could make her aunt Suzanne ridicules my doubtings und gate oe a ue | for , Something. Afterwards nothing| swallow anything. I wish she c yuld | a i, t iin did it very well, she | could induce her to leave the house, and| have made her swallow my tonic i replied; “I gave a most realistic ex- iI myself caught her surreptitiously | hibition of wifely concern, and the car | studying the time-table. Every time a KAMENEFF to Krassin (on applying | had just come to take me to the station step was heard coming up the drive she} for passports) “Cras ingens iteranmus | when your second wire arrived.” started to herfeet. At last a telegraph- @quor.”’ are RE MEE

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VR EN SepTEMBER 1, 1920.| Host. “Har a minute! I'LL LIGHT YOU TO THE GATE; IT’S VERY DARK.” Cheerful Guest PHA’ iL RIGHT | CAN SEE IN THE DARK Wuy, wHen I was In F1 pERs ——’" Host. “Yrs, ¥3 Y Ri N IN FLANDERS NOW—YOU 'RE IN MY CARNATION BED,” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, | (By Mr. Punch’'s Staff of Learned Clerks. | lv would certainly have been a thousand pilies if the] coming of Peace had deprived us ol anytn ne so ¢ eer Stimulating as ‘SAPPER CYrit His B ill-Dog Drummond ( HoppER all the old breathless invention as active as ever, while the pugnaciby to give it the tales of IND STOUGHTON }) SHOWS no stronger term-—is wholly unre strained, even by what might seem the unpromising at sphere of Godalming in 1919. It would, of course, be utterly | beyond my scope to give in barest outline any list of the] wild and whirling events that begin when Captain Lug! Drumm Tt his “ Bored ex-soldie: d selects the most encouraging of the answers to ’ advertisement and meets the w a cryptic but lovely lady, in the Carlton lounge. (Judg by « ntemporary fiction, what his reveal!) After that the affair almost instantly develops | into one lurid sequence of battle, murder, bluff and the ories could those wall L ow Kind oj ten-minutes-here-for-courtship which prove there is a gentler side even to the process of tracking ert of the engaging humour of the hero, [ experienced a mil | 1 : As usual, though less in this business than most, because | | , aa “e . s | sympathy for the arch-villains; and indeed they migh well feel some bitterness when, after being deseribed aS | the master-intellects of the age, the author required them | to conduct their most secret affairs in a lighted ground floor room with the curtains undrawn. Most of them turn | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 179 | judge by their ecstatically jubilant, | charitably leave it at that. bil sors ty Bus te iff out to be Bolshevists, or at least in the receipt of Soviet q ibsidies—though I see a well-known Labour Daily reviewed the plot as unconvincing. Odd! Anyhow, a rattling story. | I am aware that, in confessing to an entire ignorance of so-called Books of Artemas, | place myself in a minority so small as to be almost beneath notice. This certainly is how ee publishers regard the matter if one may ‘Artemas has written a novel! 7s. 6d. net,” on the wrapper of A Dear Fool (WesraLL). Well, 1 have read the novel carefully, even I trust generously, with the unhappy result that any one of the (knowing | how elusive and individual a thing is laugliter) | ean hardly ' ; bring myself to say how dull I found it, It is all about nothing—a jut the faet remains. preposterous little |plot for the identification, at a wildly inhuman reception, of an anonymous dramatist, revealed finally as the journalist hero who was nearly sacked for writing the play's only bad notice. In my day I have met both editors and ecrities; | }even dramatists. 1 don’t say they were all pleasant people ; |many of them were not. But—here is my point | prac- tically every one of them had at least sufficient of our common humanity to prevent them from behaving for one instant as their representatives do in this book, Let us Probably the next man I meet will have invited apoplexy over his enjoyment of the same pages that moved me only to an irritated bewilderment, You never can tell. |

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encntttabitats ine AE NL AND te sccehitiantaimnataaiinancaateintnn a niente ee | 160 I rather think that The Man with the Rubber Soles | and settling down to plant potatoes and tobacco in prosy| | (Hopper axp Sroventon) is Sir ALEXANDER BANNERMAN'’S | perity and peace, firstling, at least as far as fiction is concerned. If so, the eldest of a large family. For the author has not merely | the knack of telling a good mystery story in a tells 1} reauy keeps one interested until the last page is turned ; he it in a curiously dry matter-of-fact way that makes } | many others will share my hope that it may prove to be | in at i 5S 1 T am bound to make some reservation. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE, | From the title, Brute Gods (Heinemann), you may that Mr. Louis WILKINson’s new way that | homely topics in a vein of harmless frolic. In recommend. “PTEMBER 1, 1990. | } uess with novel does not deal his very serious work of an expert author and observer, U nsophisticated | startling adventures seem the sort of thing that might hap- | youth, if such there be in these day 3, should be kept away | pen to anybody. The story concerns the pursuit of a gang | from the affair between Alec Glaive and Gilii Collett. | | of men who are engaged in importing forged Treasury notes | Alec, a mere boy, was in a dangerously unsettled condition | n a large scale and uttering them through skilfully or-| when the lady crossed his path. His mother had upset a | ganised agencies, The police and various civilians ti there is no super-sleuth to weary us with machine-like prowess—run the [~ thing to earth, partly by skill} and partly by good luck, and the | civilians in particular wun have a tirring time doing it. Bombs, | Lutomatic pistols, eyen soldiers and a naturally in submarine, assish quite sustaining the in And a pleasant little | romance is really woven into the lot, not jusb pushed in any-| OW Altogether The Vian ritiii Rubber Soles is a most exce! terest. | I } lent story of its kind i ( ul} novel because plot ind treat- |} ment are alike ne und one can . fel prophesy that hen Sir] \LEXANDER BANNERMAN pro duces his nextling he between | not too happy family by eloping with a literary his | egoism of his father had been rendered even more r; the ppres more | sive and his sarcasm eve: ees ‘£. yen | acid thereby; and oman | Ae | Catholic priest, intent on se- | |curing a convert for his Order |had been plying bis young m with too exciting con ations |and too refreshing \ \part ifrom external circ tances | Alec was tending to q el with j}humanity at large, 30 he | went the whole hog, re ll | search of a desperate ideal than | by way of impetuou Mr | WILKINSON treats affair with deliberate, cold-blooded leven cynical analysi 1 his | portrayal of the snobbery and | humbug of the upper-middk if will find class, social and intellectual, i: . large and appreciative circl: lwhich his creatures move is | 4 1° ; of readers waiting to welcome it. | searching and disturbing. But, | |! ask myself, are people really [Three things charmed me llike that? Or rathez » there | particularly about Henry Eliza- | enough of these unnaturals, ex beth (Hurst anxp BLACKETT) ; pe ts, moral Bolshevists o1 whose remarkable second name! % 4 ¢.e \|whatever you like to call them, ‘ ' - , 1 ¢ ; » Cd&éarZ j ef 7 . | " as due to the fact that he w us| gt Oe i Se Ae SEOMR i to justily their presentation as a born in the same year as the} modern type? Always an op ; ear er ROMA AND PROSI ype: . Virgin Queen and that his father | - aes = timist, I think not; and I} bad hoped that he too would be | ~rvdg*- mo niodmaiine - notice that the autho: ves a a girl. In the first place he Ola ae B no less clever and a: more | became the greatest swordsman | oo - : . UT PERCHANCI . ‘nai ; ression of | - . gre * ordsman | yoy Gor SEEK THE HAND OF THE Prixcess? Br. |CMVincing impression of the| s mire ¢ { w t.} sable l i ’ Oo us age and was tf 18 abi H | S A PERILOUS ADVENTURI THou | normal, settled and |] sant | to add him to my fine collection | 4 BE REQUIRED (1EVE MANY DANGEROUS TASKS. {characters who are lental of Elizabethan heroes who have| !ss1 : ee 8 os to the plot. Make for yo irself achieved this honour. What} ¢/ “No I'm Gor TO MEND THE | the acquaintance of the charm- bem ol om MITCH ve . arn ns when twe i these . ds er icine Wilfred Vail and the most he of in tho radow' eine aE j : ; . : ‘ ‘ champions meet in those shadowy regions r ince |amusing and seductive Cockney artiste, Betty Barnfield, where all costume novels are merged l do not KnOW It , must be rather like the irresistible force and the immov ible object. In the second place H. FE. (no one could bette deserve these formidable init ing Lundy Island of have Lundy Island just is not lais) was given the job of piratical tenants, and I happened t Opposite me olten that a reviewer ias the Cuance OF { hac} I local colour with so littl pains And in the third place Mr. Justin Hunrty McCarrny informs me, on page 10) that his hero will “ gaze one da Thames should seem little bett biveit Hort as | read the book. It upon rivers to which tl! er than a pitiful rivulet As Henry never gets further from his native D: v | London in the course of this novel [ take it that this is a delicate allusion to t h than ( he poss bility of a sequel. l hope 16 Is so, and that I shall hear of Henry in days to come, after a trip or two with Raneicn or Drake, rebuild ing his manor tof Rragini : £ l nanor 0 TALINOON, whi 18 UU rtunatel and you there itely burnt to the ground, } But surel will admit, however pessimistic your views, that y be something in mine, Palmam Qui Meruit Ferat. h | } n Slovaks were greeted this afternoon by a - ladies, representing the Red Cross Society The war ins were presented with a package ind a chocolate bar, in recognition of Allied cause.” ulian Paper. containing sarees, valua e> Can GEORGE IN SWEDEN, s been enjoying the sights of Christia: iIrroundings,”— Morning. Paper i i now visit Stockholm and give Norway a tur man, no ties, will undertake any mission to anvwh Proviciail I M ’ , , . ily not where neck-wear is de requew a

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SES SepremBEeR 8, 1920 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL LSI | x 10 has a pre-GEDDES railw ty time-| As a result of the new rise in the CHARIVARIA. thle for sale, present owner having] price of petrol many of the middle-class Taree are rumours of Prohibition] no further use for it | have been compelled t » turn down thei: in Scotland. We can only say that if} | automatic cigarette-lighters. | Seotland goes dry 1t will also go South. | It is stated in scientifie circles that | Although we may appear to be a j the present weather is due to the Gulf | By an order of the Foop Controuuer | Strean Mis relieves Mr. Caurc HILL | little previous, we h e tf r ’ j 4\ on good - ; : 1 . f } 1] | ee has been freed from ail restrictions considerable responsibility authority that Mr. Borromiey isalreads ) 7 : Th ’ tig tty ; . i e - 3 regards us This drastic attemp | making arrangements to predict that ‘ lig Uh ‘ “a7 I try i} eng } vay ’ ‘ ¢ } , ‘ Bo » stem the prevailing craze for mati Rese. lengt \ bee's sting,” says the approaching coal strike will end be nony has not come a moment too soon. | Lil bits is onl e thirty-seeond of | fore Christmas uN ch Wi iteful for th We suppose it is due to pressure of | information be en we are being The various attempts to swim husiness, but the Spanish Cabinet ha t g we are al too busy to mea-| evele across the Channel having proved f : My it resigned this week for ourselve unsuccessful, we uw that interest is lagain being revived the proposed ” y | ' ‘ rn ‘ - ‘ ] Daily Mail is offering me bi0se Who 1 tain that nothing} Channel Tur i lred p unds for the best { \ rt Vrouw R issla Lve sul ] 1 \ ' ; w met [he cocked hat into ( tL nasty slap t face \ VS [t is wed , lor CLARI ' } } Mr. SMILLI: hopes nock the ¢ BR ! nt } i large co ' 4 of ) exch led 77 7 Pa ! { Governn { t competit ! i fl in order to pro i I | t } l unae 4 4 & F ; } has i run doy tiv hy a ti Asked } © CAT » Ca cl Wy \ fi l i with 1 Oorse | { pia sik * i ’ irt ! i He ist le Nas been Ie iound wu . valuable nile eo at Boston i) ‘ pe ‘ Linc here is h pe ) s resigi ut Live | ine the yr Lond 1 1) i of may - ; pap Ml Davis ) OSsttively thes n Ambas | { j | lor to | nota ‘ ‘ not 1 \ { toa | e Th j “ re t English tage « pap will | t . I ‘ ter] | to ( ‘ of t | LLIAN Rus l ‘ . ; po pro mn into ¢ 1 WHAT I8 ¥ i [ON f é LINTER i ; SELI ol Rockland, ( ; 3 d Lutiat 6 . | \ the Royal af . ei "“\H 4 ) t i SS I D. j ' ' 1 ‘ ae eported to NT el eae PSE IS ee es ae Pau y i | { mstabutary oft , 4 7 a at em sna ‘ \ rT ' +f it] { or Hered to sell her husband Lve \ i ‘i Litt fo Vis wit q ill if ho } | ; . | r ; ! thousand pounds. It is a great | Petrograd | doubt’ responsible r fifty per cer { 3olation to those of us who a i the lo whilst f ind ft | that the are fetcl 4 H ( ' i tive | bably wecount fo I el 0 1) pnearane f ii le » ely H | 1 t hi¢ \W ‘ j | Nig t co ii-mence in Oxi " { lspondent i ] ] f ‘ P n strike have ! le Vv cael i l if rk i iscovel 1 ma } t i ! Ss} introduced into fe ( Othe ) ‘ LW O { i 7 | ( gai at Gri ) laim that as the no 0 1 ple t t ke pe yy tec | ma thre i t i 4 " ; 1 1 } \ temporary reports the prospect | to enter them in the day book the first | waist-line elsewhere ¢ niy iat ’ I I her tor ai they thre WeeKS t ( 1Consio ee ee Sener | is if Mr. Sut , oir ; eo ‘ % as 1 Nit. OMILLIE 18 ng ‘ 3 it a ; “be : ' The Coal Strike lay for it after all } It is no beins Se pout ' - a " i ¢ ‘ ! Ii WW LI J Bi Aci vf P ; \ . , = ‘ + ' ¢ } ; .vew York me Lg states tha I Ce a ! t yUS \ ) i } ( Pregation ol a Ne \ Je ey Cl f ) | 1s 4 : ” | pelted the Rev. F. S. KoprmMann wit | Fron i 7 { : | efe5 his i disgracetul with eggs ati LLIE V hea eat Battlefields To t p nt price f Ly ‘ t i\ Land ann i cl 1, 1 ya Da Pare ; ° , ynict 1 , We have just heard of aS nar ) . - wut’ ittitiatietesieacients wiehe —_ a —

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TE EY TN ee 1R2 A COUP FOR “THE DAILY TRAIL.” We all k M ( kle brown holiday 1 @ tree pass Water RALEIGH A Vneri¢ klebre vn ? hoped | cklesea Wi Op LInisH lizard-broo i preci wn had picker vé Mi t peop eave well » Thal I BU rye Lh l« + ¢} toy cKIn L we { nt nea ! arp cull }) e.-* - { a t I 1) Ou t middle Lhe « la lot of i cklebre ‘ () ‘ I ait expected ta of 1 I Ving | ’ n VV ve bea ; ‘ iM 4 t ‘ i THE LONDON CHARIVARE. » te Coc klesea to! Italian lakes or} her delect lid Dave ae SEPTEMBE! with cream collar and e jumped for joy when I rec darling brooch on yout pict must have lost it at Cockl Holiday, but 1 didn't n Sundgys afterwards. I s} get what ] owe to The Da Couve tioned as to the } Miss Peckaby sighed been 1ISSInNY, she said \ Clarence" (Miss Peckaby isband * bought the | ne he 18 going to Opaz pul In when he Cul topazes are so dreadfully d ( \ s Peckaby recognis ‘ mie! a) y) Py p! 0} ot epresentat e ¢ / I Thy tone ( ( nad quant Patience reader! 1 l'o a pu { that Was istill | aon t propo etosimng \s perhaps inferred L’m content to leave it | longue than mine moan of dove . () the ipt te twiltlel I'wenty mn le ‘ er ce it i cKt i I the poet enc VW P nN CG ! You, I mean, accommodat cCnance iek \ ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

One SHILLING “ae | RECEIPT STAMPS Two PENCE Thue Ii a i] rio We | ' | | ] } 1} | | | HT L4 ie, J Af ' 4 > of Wy ie 4) i } . / | | | | 1 | } | ]

OUT OF THE FRYING PAN. | | | Wan Vererax. “THEY TOLD ME I WAS FIGHTING FOR DEAR LIFE, BUT I NEVER || DREAMT IT WAS GOING TO BE AS DEAR AS ALL THIS." |

nage nlasegela eisai e-eeinead ei Sonia ila Sp epi alae sa a

inna ite

<item itne aeni an

Page 234

ST . “ WHAT—WITH A THE HUMAN CITY AND SUBURBAN. ne idea and the name for it wer he invention of the ingenious Piggott. | first eal of the neophyte [ am endeavouring i ike his discovery Y | ; i ' , . ; hi am his initiate, and with the more widely | an Tee known. The game, which is healthy} and invigorating, can be carried on in| | any of the remoter suburbs, : where the irauin-service is not t o frequent. All that is required is a fairly long and i fairly straight piece of road, terminat- Ing in a railway station, and a suffici- ie ency of City men ol s ible age an i rotundity. The sel eme 18 b <i on the Herd instinct—on the ten tures to follow t ample if you are tency of most crea 1e@] leade ‘ For ex- walking down to yout early train, with plenty of time to spare steps, first to a smart walk, then to a brisk jog-trot, it is not in human nature, however you may trust your own watch, not to follow suit.

This is precisely

about six weeks hack When, on reaching the station ten

i, OR THE FURS tontish man wit! ;SLOULISH Man W ih | Jevons |} to expound his in as you suppose, and you observe the man in front of you looking at his} watch and suddenly quickening his | fully mopping his fore}

onstrated with

he said 6] didn’t ead and the inside of ' weir ‘But t Mr. Bluads partner in Bludyer, Spinnaway 4 , I said.

: : It mav be,” replied Piggott. “ But | Cail iim Fivaway. ] find it more have a stable And he proceeded vention to me. convenient name for each of my racers. Like so many great rS he had we . : . umbied upol he idea by Chance one Invent LONDON CHARIVARL.

| | know you were behind me. 1 was really | pace-making for ‘ Flyaway ’— there, over there.” And Piggott pointed to a} iron-grey whiskers | his hat, and looking incredulously at ithe booking-hall cloc!] senior | morning when his watch happened to be wrong but he had developed the inspiration with consummate art and| Sk} ill. 1t became his diversion, by means of the panto hn ime that had so success- deceived me—by dramatically shooting out his wrist, consulting his | watch, instantly stepping out and pre- ‘ : 4 ¢ a] stod ne "i | . - j what Piggott led me to do one morning | sently breaking into a run—to induce jany gentleman behind him who had reached an age when the fear of missing | ever, not to race the same one too fre- | |

(SEPTEMBER 8, 1920, Frank Reywoids trains has become an obsession t celerate his progress. “It is amazing,” he said, ‘ y knots you can get out of tlie veriest old tubs. This morning, for instance Flyaway has taken only a little over six minutes to cover seven furlongs. That's the best I have got out oi hin r r, but I he pe to do better with some of the others.” “You keep more than one in ti ing?” I questioned. “Several. If you like I some over to you. Or, better he added, “you might prefer to start a stable of your own. That would intro duce an element of competition. about it?” I accepted with alacrity. The very next day I made a start, and within a veek T had a team of ny own in train- ing. The walk to the station, which formerly had been the blackest hour o! the twenty-iour, I now | to with the liveliest impatience. Every VY me early on th road, ready to loiter until I found in my wake some merchant sedately making his way stationwards to whom I c ild set the pace. I always took care, how- wked torw ard morning wy

VaR aver

Page 235

! 1920. } — SEPTEMBER 8, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON @HARIVARL. quently or at too regular inter rals, and | take occasion to impress this caution on beginners. In the train on the way to the City Piggott and I would compare notes, carefully recording distances and times, and scoring points in my favour or his, It would have been better perhaps had we contented ourselves with this modest programme. Others will take warning from what befell. But with the am- bition of inexperience I suggested we should race two competitors one against the other, and Piggott let himself be| overpersua led. I entered my “ Speedwell,” a promi- nent stockjobber. Handicapped by the frame of a Lalstaff, he happily har- bours within his girth a susceptibility to panic, which, when appropriately stimulated, more than compensates for his excess of bulk. The distance fixed was from the Green Man to the station, a five-furlong scamper; the start t by mutual consent. Immediately on our interchange of | signals I got my nominee in motion. This is one of Speedwell’s best points : he responds instantly to the least sign, to the slightest touch of the spur, so to speak. Another is staying power. Be fore we had gone fifty yards I had got » be him into an ungainly amble, which he can keep up indefinitely. Though never rapid, it devours the ground. Piggott was not so lucky. . At the| last minute he substituted for the more eliable Flyaway his Tiny Tim, a dappe: tle solicitor, not more than sixty, who » the timorousness of the hare unites some of her speed. In fact, in his exce of terro1 + he sometimes runs himself to istill before the completion of the course. He suffers, moreover, from short & Stan sight and in consequence is a notori- On the morning in ously bad starter. question he failed for several minutes to observe Piggott’s pantomime, and Speedwell had almost traversed half the distance while Tiny Tim still lingered in the vicinity of the starting post. o r 1S Only by the most exaggerated gestures did Piggott get him off. Once going, however, he took the bit in his teeth and went like the wind. Soon I caught | the pit-pat of his footfall approaching. I pulled Speed well together for a su- preme effort. abreast. A terrific race ensued. Sc at the spectacle of the other's alarm, neck they ran. wear him down ? settled. a Old Dame (to visitor who has been condoling with her on a recent misfortune). * Ocn, I’m GEY ILL. I'VE BEEN CRYIN’ SIN’ FOWER THIS MORNIN’, AN’ I’M JUST GAUN TAE START AGEN AS SOON 'S I'VE SIPPIT THIS BICKER O’ PARRITCH.” | vet been run by Piggott or me. These “1 } But there were still two} } suddenly took fright and bolted. Inex- The station approach scintillated with each redoubled his exertions. Neck and | the flashing of spats as the Field breasted Could Tiny Tim last?|the rise. It Had he shot his bolt? Could Speedwell | so many fouls occurred that it was ob- vas a grand sight, though vious the race was off. But things be- Unfortunately the question was never | came serious when the entire crowd at- As they raced they overtook a | tempted to pass simultaneously through group of business men, youngsters of | the booking - hal orty or so, untried colts that had never | sprained a pastern and doors. Speedwell Tiny Tim sus- | | | | tained a severe kick on the fetlock. Both will require a fortnight’s rest be- 1 ; 7 . 7 _ ‘ } ' . , | * hundred yards to cover as his rival drew | tricably mingled with our pairthe whole | fore they can be raced again. wed | lot stampeded like a herd of mustangs. This will be a warning to us and to others too, I hope. Still, it will not deter us from racing in the future. Nor should | it deter others, for the sport isa glorious one and I hope it may become univer- sal in the outer suburbs. Piggott and I will be only too glad to give advice or any other assistance that lies in our power to those who contemplatestarting local clubs in and around London, eo Sere eee

Page 236

ene Oa SEA

pomempewarec en i.

WEDDING PRESENTS. Aut day long I had been possessed by that odd feeling that comes over one inacecountably at times, as of things little strange, interesting somehow different, so that I was not at all surprised to find the Fairy Queen waiting for me when | entered my flat It was a warm evening and she sat of the blind, lightly swaying to and fro in the tiny being @ perched on the tassel breeze that came dancing softly ovel the house-tops. I saw of her at the once one Lware presence of the Fairy Queen ‘ I made my very best 1 acknowledged it i indedly 1 smiled and s tingly. ‘ But how | be gan It’s about Margery and Max she continued. ook my head depre l was mueh astonished Margery and Max,” I echoed slowly ‘ But surely there's no need to ubout them. It's a most delightful They re blissfully I saw Margery only yesterday . “Qh, the engagement’s all right, said the Queen. “As a matter of it was I who really arranged that affai engagement. happy. | Ol course they think they did it them 1) selves it would people always do—but never have come off without ] Lhe trouble Is | ne NO don't know what t present You {f Margery always taken a great interest in and I do want then ing they'll really like difficult. They have all the essential things already: youth, health, fortune, love of course: and give them for a see I’m partici I ‘ve wedding ] | ; iki ond ¢ ner, to have some Pood — giving them motor-cars clocks of that kind. ] agreed lather and uni po tant thing Now can | As it happened I was ina somewhat similar predicament myself, though from rather different causes Is always |

PUNCH, OR b thing re bothered about his 0 it seems such a suitable thing for a wedding present People often give services, don't they ‘ go and r ht about Max,” she said} “Tt reathlessly. ‘‘ Margery says the only ’s all ng 5 badly illy smashing service He's rather So I shall order ['m very pleased ;

he wants frghtft is a | ne for him at once now ? And I'l} find Max.’ And she was off! before I could utter a sound. was evil is rt " i curisey and) fact | But it’s 80 | ‘Can’t you think of anything?” she! asked a little petu ntly, evid annoyed at my inadequacy | ook mv head | can i | i B tL Ww Y not find out trom the It's often done You i! would like and 1 ind him about he The Queen brightened p ‘What a good idea!” she said “T'll go at once. She 's very imp ilsive. She was back niu F ' Mil-aunh-pour, Hei cheeks aga looking pleased and excited. were hke pink rose leaves 4 \ | wht ask Margery what Max abs nothing | could not and would not do But this time when she returned it | lent that she had been less uccessi il It’s ' ird She stamped her foot, absurd she said, “ perfectly and a little. “I told 1 I would bestow upon Margery any- et she was smiling w he could possibly think of that | » lacked any quality of mind any charm that peauty, any . ly} ’ hould be he ‘ | muidd desire, Ssnould be Hers as a I assured him tl there was ’ : , : | for he And what do you think? He listened « te attentively and politely | Max nice manners—and then | he woked e straight in the eyes and} my : , ’ » | Thank’ you very muc! e said; ‘it’s trouble | m | hope you} wont think me ungrateful, but I'm

THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SEPTEMBER 8, 1990. NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN, THE CENTIPED! : centipede is not quite nice lives mm idleness and viée He has a hundred legs He also has a hundred Wives

And each of these, if she sury Has just a hundred « IOS And that’s the reason if \ pick Up ny boulde r, Stone [ see a thing like t | nodded | \ ( ! begat | I ir, ‘Without pre ‘Yes ?’ e Queen And knock it on the he eagerly \n f | see a thing Iw f ( ( ( a give I take a brick and sq s tt thal ust ral \ | In either case it’s d Wi) meat ad the! 1. P H (ues | , rl ht : L said a ite ere ought { © i ba bp ired legs . ‘ ‘ oe WE ‘ in | Siy . . ean { : al eyes | artis ost of them ! a The Que y*ked e thought- | hund the page, and did I | : ‘ ; alwa | I eg 1 ¢ r he He giving |“ ; the n ~ lite wrong. >» i Ai an hing she obec i ai F t the } i - WOVE said, ‘she li Know | j : | i hie () t er Yes she said i ditative er nic Another Impending Apology. Ch nk \V lL very ‘ | c about | uA S par! editeur du / ble Good-bye.” She was gone R. F | Lord I ansbury a toujours été lenfa her) et | j; bern i Ppaurti travailliste ang } — Gazette | VU : ik of the | Railway | Dep t dislocated his oe aw while va / Pape , } t } Sima cely furnished house, 1 Loca ’ It is expected that the c« mpany will | for neal married couple from Au t Ist } 2 ' . ey, | . ‘ disclaim lab ty | the aceident, on Fohann aos The o " i +} ‘he w= . e > the groun the rie awning in } 1s} We trust that no one encouradt them own tin e . accommodation.

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Page 238

188 PUNCH, ‘OR THE LON THE MUDFORD BLIGHT. Mary settled her shoulders against the mantel- piece, slid her hands into | her poc :kets and looked down at her mother with faint apprehension in her | eyes, " «7 want,’ London.” Mrs. Martin rustled the newspaper she remarked, “ uneasily to an accompanying glitter of | diamond rings. Mary's direct slightly disc yr d her, but she replied “ Well, d , youl Aunt Laura | has just asked you to Wir nbledon for a | fortnight in the Autumn.’ M wy did not move. “ I want,” she , continued abstractedly, “to Jive action amiably. in London. } Mrs. Martin glanced up at her | daughter as if discrediting the} authorship of this remark. “I don’t know what you are tl ink- | ing of, child,” she said : “but you appear to me to be | talking nonsense. Your father and I have no idea of leaving “ g Mudford at present ““T want,’ Mary went on in | the even tone of one | yp! tised | by a foregon e conclusion, “t »f0 and live with Jennifer and write things.” Mrs. Martin's gesture as she| rose expressed as much horror | as Was consistent with ma jesty. | “My dear Mary, she sai | coldly, ‘let me dispose of your | outrageous suggestion belore it | | goes any further. You Oo Imagine that said appear | t because you | have been earning a : hundred a year in the | during the War you are still of | independent means. Allow me | to remind you that you are not. Also that your father and I are | unable and unwilling to bear the | ‘Exe expenses of two establishments. |_™ ™ | Please consider the matter close: She swept from the room. whistled softly to d walke d to the desk and wrote a letter. And that's that,”’ So now to business. | will send vou some articles at the end of the week, couple of Air Force | Mary if shel hersell, then she}! finished. i¢ ‘DON CHAR VARI. [SEPTEMBER 8, 1920, « Disgraceful ! 2 anorted Cc olonel Mar- tin, throwing one crump led new spaper | after another into the waste-paper bas- ket. “Oug |if it weren't enough to find the beastly ithings all over the Club, without being L eoabetel with them at home, making | to go to} fun of the best people in Mudford. | Bolshevism! Fellow ought to be shot! Wish I w who he was and I'd do} 16 mys¢ ] l have another word of this poisonous stuff in my ih yuse, D'y Search ol ner si she complained papel have you noticed anythis oa ‘1 } | speak to us iately ? Of col sht to be publicly burned! Asis he 's W ay people Her mother started. ‘ What d mean ?”’ she inquired sharply Mary rose languidly. ‘“ However,’ | she added graciot isly, “T will put th ine ght for you next week, ] hay e several | sketcl hes that will do.” Mrs. Martin's incredulity, face registered in indignation and apo} in chrono logical ord er; ther snc eae gate clic ked and a& young man walked across thelawn. Mary loo wn at | her mother and spoke quietly. | “] think it is time you knew that 1] wrote those articles. One writes | about W hat one sees, and as long as I] |remain here I shall see Mudford | “Pardon me,” began the young man, uriving, “but is this Colonel | Martin’s house?” | Mrs. Martin made no effort | to reply and Mary r issured hin 4 | “It’s like thi The inued frankly. “I'm representing The | Da Rebel, and | ily inxlous to get certain ma ’ nformy paper. I was speak- } 4 y Adiatral Rogers 36 now fe ee told me l sho ld p bably get it here if I tried. He said he could only give me a guess himself and I had | bett r come to ate 5 Madam,” he bowed towards Mrs. Martin, ‘will you kindly | tell me if you are the! ve 3 Here Mat \ interp mother,” she said serenely 3 Mudford Bhi N not the is my father.’ [he young man wheeled on ner, | “Then you...?” he queried. M ry besit ited, questioning her mother with a ce, : on “My daughter,” replied Mrs a in a strangled Mi 5 I CAN HINK WIV sannot possil ly be the person the ne WEN I =e eo seek since she is not a me tbe oh nate ladles d ON Mudford resident. She lives in | coming out in next and stop it in time;”| London and is only staying here till and she wandered mournfully into the | to-morrow—at the latest.’ garden, | Mary smiled radiantly and sent a “Mary,” she sighed, sinking into a| wire later in the afternoon. The Gynecophobe. ; : rse 1 may ‘While crossing a field near B and for goodness sake be quick , because} be only my imagination, and yet,” she! gamekeeper noticed a dear comii I can’t stand this much longer.’ | hesitated, “ Admiral and Lady Rogers | direction and he took c ina ha When she had posted it * e retired | were » quite—quite formal t me yester- | _ to her 1 room and was no more seen till | | ds Ly. ; “ PantourmAID Wanted. afternoor 2}, 30 dinner. Mary balanced her tennis racquet on | galvanised iron, 50 ft. to 140 ft. long x 21 ft.” [hey were brig tht articles and, like|her outstretched hand and laughed eee measle - spots, they appeared rapidly | It’s the local Blight, I suppose. ” You | [t needs a girl with an iron constitution | after ten days or a fort: ught; unlike! and Beer wad ire about the onl} people | to support such a frame. | measles they seemed to be permanent, |left v ho h raven't been withered yet, and | | They dealt irreverently with Mudford | 7 re | | s ciety, draped in a thin veil of or theo alias material, and they signed them- | selves “ Blight.” the others are bound to think there’s | pid of of me— I didn’t think of that. I’m ; Sorry y. thing suspicious about you. Stu-| “For Sale, Clergyman’s Grey Costume | latest style ; also J umper, never | Irish I ape |The reverend gentleman (have aeeiaeel at the j pnee- appe irs tO} | rea —

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Re ABR ee Serremner 8, 1920. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C CHAR IV ARI

from all sides with ‘ ‘applications for! deflate too rapi dly “ The whole tone’ jumped over the moon, i * : — 2 a hr on. Lm enn nie unde 1 @ ry > ‘ <~ — f | e f i i e eee Ai! he aia i a ! ‘ e — ~ U wee (ae cing a ni rie j ( YOU BETTER TAKE A FRESH D ! I GAIN IN TH A PLA | SHALL AVI ) GIVE ‘EE OUT in | acconunodation I can — the |of the Market,” says my City Editor, | MOVEMENT iN THE MONEY MARKET. merry parties r lling 1 up in their thou- ‘‘ became distinctly cheerful, and ho2 Dear Mr. Puncn,—I have bee sands, booking every ccaitable ‘hou pauses to comment on the ont redeem- spending my holiday at a watering place, | flat or room, and even paying very ing feature: “War Loan remaining a place that fully deserves its epithet. | faney prices for the hire of a booth for | steady, 8413 middle My London daily has been my only | a house-party And thence to the shocking climax: entertainment, and towards the even ng | It may vive vou some idea of the Trade Returns were unable to balance } hours I have found myself wandering | nature of their “relaxation” when I say | properly, and Money (to be absolutely about the less familiar beats of it. 1 | that our old friend the Bank of England | outspoken and no longer to mince have become an intimate of the City | seems to have so fat forgotten herself as | matters) got tight palitor., and | hasten to inform you, Mr. | tostart making advances to the Govern- After this I was not p ised to read | Punch, that he has introduced me to a} ment. My City Editor, who is possibly of “Mexican Eagles rising on the an | side of the Gay Life which I have been | a family man, cannot bring himself to | nouncement of the new Gusher.” Nor missing all these years. I will set out | give letails e just states the fact,|a little later to find the announcement, | the tale of it, even at the risk of making | merely adding the significant comment | “ Stock Exchange Dull.” A very nat your readers blush. | that “the usual reserve of the Bank is| ural reaction. | It appears that recently a fe ling | rapidly disappearing.” |The effect of Yours ever, A Simpie WoestT-ENDER spread in the Market (and that all these | this example is appearing in the most : | goings-on should take place in a market | eee B agsacee * All attempts Professional Pride. adds, in my view, to their curiousness) | are now fai ing, here ports, lor example, Extract from a plumber’s account | | that a crisis had been reached in mone-|“to keep the » Fidue iary Issue within - ae tary restrictions and things might be | limits.” Reluctantly he mentions a es Oe 2 eased a bit. Apparently there 1s a | ‘considerably freer tendency in Dis- Wanted 9 Tile ter - | circle of people in the know, and by i count circles. : either yew of th = bat i the cost ? them it was immediately appreciated | Further he records a tendency to} Where they can be had and when can we | What this “relaxation” implied. The | over-indulgence in feasting. [| read of | get.”"—J:dian Paper. | first overt sign of something doing was | figures (I hardly like to quote this bit)}Can any of our readers oblige this | a “heavy demand for money,” a need | becoming “ improperly inflated.” Will| eager zoologist ? | which I fa Seek a ae quiet domes- | you believe me when I add that a sec a ees ad . i ticity, have felt from time to time. No} tion of those participating yin tl eb "a0, | men ence cadens C.B. hile last sone doubt the fast City set were filling their | whose one fear was, apparentiy, that It|) match at Brancaster. A large grey cow | | pockets before comme yncing a course of | would all end only too soon, povieen 2 swooped down, picked up his ball and flew “relaxation.” Ths next development | were he ard expressing th 1e apprehension, | away with it.”"— Newfoundland Paper. was that the Market was ap proached | to quote verbatim, “that they would Probably a descendant of the one whe

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190 PUNCH, afew asVAr ER, Betiy. “ Mumary 10 > THESE 1T Mothe luk pb MADE THE) Betty (afler muci eral ) Mr ON RUNNING DOWN TO BRICHTON. Wuewn [| consulted people about my nasal catarrh, “ There is only one thing » do,” they said “Run down to Brighton for a day or two as ta us Victoria The re [ was Informed that So I started running and got t was quite unnecessary to run all the } } ] way to Brighton. People walked to Brighton, yes; or hopped to Kent; but | they never ran. The fastest time t Brighton by foot was about eight hours, 4 but this was done without an overcoat Al or sult-case. Even on Saturdays they | said it was quicker to take the tr: sin | than to walk or t to hop. eo has sometimes been called London by the Sea or the Queen of | Watering Places, but in buying a ticket it is better to say simply Brighton, at the same time stating whether vou wish to stay there indefinitely or to be | repatriated at an early date. I once of the Western coast, and he told me that the refreshment-room was further jon. But I digress. aa One of the incidental difficulties in running down to Brighton is that the LONDON CHARIVARL DEPTEMBER &, 1920 8 es find them- | | Suit n there is the story ly ge cern food, EXCt After ali, t to | ieoueds: sees where very * sup yposing that the p » Ol mn velks in Brighton compares untayour- | firm to weperd Ki with the price of whelks centres : but t undeniably high. | some very large light-gree1 grapes warm this summer really a shop window, writers have made | over blast furnaces, and when I asked | l was considerably sul some more or less | prised ; however, to go 1 AS RrOssly eXagverated. f the shop without making a pu L ; ; cle f, ; ’ | }] | asked-a booking-clerk for two sun spots [ eventually bought one | these things are all by the way ; are | It was when I reached the sea-front at ingly smart in sahe “rt 1iom I met in Brig plus 4 bi eCHeES and Secchi, which is really the subject o! realised the secret ol as the word is understood tn the | t} ¢ prices I see no | suppose tremendous —————

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ONTROOTA LSOK Lr MNIHL I Load ‘THO ‘OZ6I ‘NOLLVYAHO NAO YoHINGA ‘2 WaAdNaLdaAGg & THVAT AIX r 1] AO HVHO HWAOAVA ‘NOGNOT ‘ALY AHL HO. NI adaorado rad éWVTALS Cogs ‘HONOd ad AIX TO dVvV LIS = W TTHUA » LI Saod LAA LYN I WANTITE HOIFT aor] au], MOH» ‘XNIBdg NVILdA9F Ws, Sue

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON > econ tren CHARIY ARI. | 1» Scout { has neg tled f fra i rokey rea and s¢ i femoral artery). “L woULD DRAG HIM INTO THK SHADE, STRIP HIM TO TI 18 LD WATER ON TIM AND PUT HIM INTO ISOLATION IF THERE WAS ANY ' Brighton’s charm It can be st 1} Aquarium, nor the people with Norman | RHYMES. OF THE UNDERGROUND. very iply Tt lye r the ) {|} profiles arriving in motor-cars at the| THe story has been told to you thinas one needn't do there hugest hotels. You can simply sit till | Of good A dolphu ; Minns of Kew, At le seaside resort T is!on the beach and cuss which of these | Whose virtuous way shave won renown Cockle there are a very ! { citing things you ntao frst And | From Barking (¢ reek to Aeton Town | } f things that opie do. ar hile vou sit still on the beac] ue l ay , ' j I nb thing bha pe pie a ti} \ bl it i be oh you can Now with that hero's blameless life is SOON as One gets to ( ockleham an | throw pe bbles into the sea. No one has | Contrast the eonduet of his wife resistible inclination seizes one not tolever thrown as many pebbles into the | Avoidance of evregious sins ] } " 1 " } ieee! lo them to-da [f anybody says it is| sea in his life as he wanted to, because | [, not t} ie way of Mrs. Minns B Got cay tor Dashing you say } ae ae ey an \ ell, you must | ny, aft lady, I regret to say bette boating And if they agree | decide but at Brighton you can ' | : a) Z 4 . 5 - \ While bent on shy pping every day, you wonder if, after all, golf... And|throw more than in any seaside piace | Make a err | A a \ ae * I come } } 1Kkes NO allempt to get it oe | so you preserve you ae Aro und | tha KNOW na, Nov FONG LO] . 1 ah f 7) j eS path. wr ace se tn Wash Céh lak aft th ete Ren Sled Bala | Between the hours of ten and four. er I dd oand stave tf jor a little Ink Ol wonde Lik ere 15 NO | m hara 1} ] f] ler] : . ; io harassed booking-otlice clerk» i while the evil dav But only for 1\;charge tor throwu pebbles into thei =, . : ; 4 ‘ 1 Veg , . 1 wR | PR hs 1 +] r| She makes irrelevant remarks, | i Little Very soon, for lack of alterna-|sea at Brighton. I should have thought | : , a * “Tha 6] ’ ; | And tenders, to the crowd's despair, tive suggestions, you are bound to bela low wall with irnstiie gates anc A pound-note { fay _ 3° Las i oun ote tol venny fare, ragged in and do something. i three or four shies a penny . . but I I ; — But at Bright n the number of t} ings | leave this commerce! il idea for the Town y enormous and so varied that | Council to work out not! Vhen IL had t] i . | pebbles into the sea I began days in rown a great | you can spend days and | |} doing them. On i; 4°e@ Sol many to nerve hundred compli-| myself for the struggle of returning. you | Over that struggle I prefer, as the say rods | ing a lraw a veil. Suffice it to say »run up to Brighton But whilst I made a curious and the pier alone there ething hke a cated aut needn't which fish in and 2 ] matic macnines work; there are er needan t g ts| that it is harder t listen. The sea | than it and motor- | was running hire, ich you needn't l 1S full of concel is to run down. up I rowing boats launches which you needn't of esha interesting discovery. I found that the . e. . | } , i] and the land is full of motor-brakes pe ll of Brighton had cured my cold. lost it in the soothing excitement mixed-bathe nor go and watch the pro- | of wondering what not to do next. This Or, what perhaps is even worse, Starts fumbling in a baggy She ‘ll step aboard pul +e Hi ghgate Chen check and double back again, And ask a dislocated queue If she is right for Waterloo, rain, | The liftmen, who, you recollect, Spoke of Adolphus with respect, Are pessimistic, even for them, About the fate of Mrs. M Where Gertrude Minns will go when she Departs this life is not for me, Or you, or liftmen, t I. Which you needn't board. You needn't I had fessional divers, nor the fish in the'is the true panacea vor. | o de cree And, any way, we needn't fret ; | She shows no sign of dying yet. | sane astm et Sesriem Ses dae eS

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irate NN PCN I CI LO TS ECAC ee

194 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE END OF THE SEASON. Tue letters of the alphabet were talking. , It's been a wonde rful season,” said S. “I’m very proud of it. Yes,” said C: “I don’t suppose & much interest was ever taken in cricket | t! before. The number of per ple able to } h has heen the ‘ spend time at a mat greatest ever known L, agreed. “Even on the middle days of the week he said Lord’s bas heen packed.” ! QO struck in Lord’s has been empty compared with the Oval. The Ovalites have lost mn opportunity of watching their heroes. ‘ Lord’s, forsoot When you say ‘their heroes’ you ‘But they are not confined to the Oval l have in also mine, said H ; some at Lord's too in fact, all ovei the country. It has been, all the best] crities say, an H year He ticked | them off on his fingers “ For purrey, | Honps and Hires ; for Middlesex, Hen preEN and Hearnt for Yorkshire, | Hirst and Houmes: for Notts, Harp sTAPF:; for Kent, Harpince and Hv a for Worcestei Y Howe. And ol them, he cide ,* are oc play for England in Australia It's eather in my cap, I can tell yo i went on And | ded the ence gement too. Ne ne is treated s« badly as I am, especially in Londo where 1'm being dropped all day long « forced into co pany wi ich | don t care about, Isn't that true? ‘Not ’arf!"’ said C, who is a (it al ol il Cor kney “ There!” said H ee” There's no doubt that our frien Lhe aspirate has aGqone it this veal said ‘T; * but some of us are not down hearted. Look at all my Tyiprsieys + We re quite willing to look at them said C, * but don't ask us to count them Meanwhile what about my Cook in the same county? And good old | | working Cor and Cox ? “Yes,” said L and What about Lancashire itselfi—almost at the top of the tree? And Lee of Middlesex H may have the greatest number of heroes, but we re not to be sneezed at And even his wonderful Hops couldn't win the champions! p It rested be- tween M and me. | 'm proud to be M’s next-door neighbouw It’s been a great season for me,’ and MAKEPEACE not far below h 1 hold MvuRRELE In special esteem.” Yes, ; t | ead ol } Hea? i A ] ; iso LW | 17 . » brothers named REF. eavens, t said R, “and if you continue RHODES at and RicHMonD in honourable ou will fin ie bowling the steady Russet runs to his he H's are! He doesn't claim, in BowLey, o7 ul } said M. “T admit to being nervous on | the second day of the last great match, but all’s well now. What a game that was! And it''s not only of Middlesex that I'm proud; if you glance at the i batting averages vi u will notice Mrap not a great way removed from the top } Nor, SUTCLIFFI mi the Jd ecm SA ies an, . Ayan

Brown be eins Dat or i said S, “ti 1 gallant littl

HAPPY UNC VA } ( Kee pC i evel imtest re +f ters - sult e ¢ t ll gh T’m. I’ve got the) ALN ; M i rt W Se | tna ‘G is) GUNNS ss \lt hae | FENDE! MEN and season ( I i sked One explain their silence Well,” said Z, interested me But very I i rOW Wi Rv thy uhh name. ‘t everything! B struck | he pe ahi si or W ARRI is si ) pr ry a { . Da « m, and the SHBY and} There are Good ' ] } L115 - MR » liable t Not SKEET 1 « Ly big cdanperot iptain Wo Fre luring t up once i places, and over two ith H, oi bi: SANDHAM and >and STEVENS and SeyMouR RUDWICK (Who,

haught wuinent,

SEPTEMBER 8, 1990. — — i } | * And mine's even narrows sighed | Xx If it weren't for Quatr: said Q

‘I should be in despair and pl: Vy nothing | > } ‘ — | but a quiet game of quoits now and ‘ again.” | e ‘H may have that | ne strims § said W, “but he breaks d hadly here and there. Where's his six-foot. six left-handed bowler and bat He ) |hasn’t got one. I have, 1 gh, in | WooLLey. And where’s his ster of

ithe game, practical and theoretical, in | Ls ‘ a harlequin cap? The wis captain | jany county ever had and the most | | . ‘ . 2 | lenthusiastic and stimulating? In short 4 i where is H's P. KF, Was NEI om | $ iwe re all 80 sorry to le se, | it © had | | 42 | isuch a slorious larewell pert thance ? | i Where? Ha!” ‘“T claim a share in the M diesex | |captain,” said P proudly. s he | ' inot a Plum? I hate gO g but I shall not be fruitle: ‘k how | ’ | PEACH is coming along ‘And who owns tlhe \ olisi | Captain, I should like t said ithe deep voice of D. N i entiol a Den'ron and a Durston at DOLPHIN | und a Dipper. It is somet to own DEAN; it is More to poss DUcat Isn't life yong to he \ dull fou \ I] vou till next May | : Oh, no,” s uid A, who t » had sp ken “We're going t llow { ] nglish team’s dol Os \ straha \ in won't t he \] Wi Oring | i CK ne Asnes Absol tel\ | LE Veet J V L, Another Irish Problem i Tuesda\ next I may expla fnesday next, and means t pe a ; GENEROSITY AT THE GROCER s: “ Pro- : vided you vet one bad egg 5, We |} will on your returning it ¢ 0 ito! ' | : ; From an engineer's let i We are exhibiting s ] \ £ | Machine at the Laundry Trade | We have often wondere ou icollars get those crinkied edg | } | rhe « efore decla gu nad nut up a formidable scor i eland | i ng 434 and Capt. G1 l | Cat M.A. Gree stpd M ae | Mia K. A. Lreland, c. & | ‘ve I Newnhan ] i 4) il t. Fol Eval af } Maj. Englefield, b. P oe | Lieut. Cambon not ot 15 | Ixtras bo Total for ickets misde M1 Oe, f ey ¢ } We thought from the start that some- | itl ing was wrong. |

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GepTEMBER §&, 1920 ‘\ pet Willie, Nx % a Ra. ~\\ ‘ ‘ sv \ — frig Willie "er ik ae

Nimrop he was a hunter in the davs of long ago, Y litel } { , +7] } f } x Caring little for things of state, little for things of shov 1} ’ ; , When the unenlightened around it squabbled lor wealit or laine Nimkop fled to the forests and g gave himseil up to Gan I've never been tris + 4 " y > | told wha UNE old Nimrop called Ow! ; a] s ¢ Or studied ne “Sportsmans he ra e scratchea I , ' Ss! uder-bone 1 } ~ | ’ ¢ } t what } aven t heard what he shot with nor even what game he } sSHew Rut | | 4 } ’ * ? +} ? | i ik _ nel Hut Know he was ftore-toretathe to tehiows like me ana vor \ 1, He stood to the roaring tiger, he stood to the charging gauw His was the love of the hunting which is more than the lus ol war; He knew the troubles of tracking, the business of camps and kits, ULE ale And the pleasure that pays for the pain of all—the 1 shot that hits. Now l ‘ve nowhere seen it stated, but I'm certain the thing oceurred, That when Nimrop came to his death-bed he sent |! } 1S rela tives word, And said to his sons and his people ere his spirit obtained release, | “You follow the trails I taught you and your ways will bring you peace.” f Wherefore—as now and to-morrow—when the souls of men were sick, | When wives were fickle or fretful or the bilis were. falling thick, —- CT

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 195

2. ‘DEED Bur PERSONALLY I CONSIDER TH MARROW 1CCH LUE AT HARVEST FESTIVALS.”

When the youth was minded to marry and the maiden with held consent, Heeding the words of Niarop, they packed their spears and Went to the scented Mornings, to the nights of the satin moon That can lap the heart in solace, that can settle the soul in tune: So they continued the remedy Nimrop of old began .| The healing hand of the jungle on the fevered brow of man. "hen—as now and to-morrow—mended and sound and sane, Flushed by the noonday sunshine, freshed by the twihght rain, Trailing their trophies behind them, armed with the strength of ten, Back they came from the jungle ready to start again. } Ye who have travelled the wilderness, ye who have followed the chase, Whom the voice of the forest comforts and the touch of the | lonely place ; | Ye who are sily to the jungle and know it and hold it good | Praise ye the name of Nimrop, a Fellow Who Understood. ah lala ' H. Bb.

| The House-Agent’s Forlorn Hope. |; “Two-aAND-A-HALF MILES From Station wirn Non-stop Trains.” | | Weelly Paper. A Tragic Coincidence. | “TEN PROFESSORSHIPS VACANT Ix Sypney Univensrry } Lausanne, Monday. ‘fhe giant British aeroplane G.F.A.T.L., from Cricklewood aero drome, London, landed at Blecherette, Lausanne, at 6-5 this evening.” Trish Paper. Did all the ten Sydney Professors fall out of it together ? | |

BA FS a Sy EL AE BRITE RSI mC ee re ere op me oer ener serge mist ener tr in <tr pm Hi ft ire Hi ; | 1 : it Sekar nacre i eS? tT TRON Sa

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|

196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [SEPTEMBER 8, 1990.

- ee

AT THE PLAY. “THe Prupe’s Fat.” Tuovan the hero is French and takes | to the conquest of her scruples and gave up his residence in an English cathe- | little suggestion of the rapture of surren- dral town in order to rectify our British prudery and show us how to make | love, there -is practically nothing here that is calculated to bring the cheek of modesty. It is true that from time to time Captain le Briquet kisses various outlying portions of his “ ange adoré, and his ultimate intentions are strictly respectable. You see, he was really just playing a as an elephant. It consisted in the correction of a flaw which he had found in the object of his worship, the lovely young Widow Audley, who had refused in his very presence to receive a woman, an old friend of hers, who had preferred love to re- putation. He, the gallant Captain, proposed to amend this error. By his French methods he would re- the Widow to such a of helplessness that she would con- The fact that he happened to be a bachelor, and perfectly tree to marry her, should not be allowed to stand way of his scheme. He would explain that the exigencies auce state sent to become his mistress in the of his vocation as a hunter of big game demanded a of liberty than within the bonds of matrimony. He would be “ faithful but free.” In the course of a brief month (the interval between the First and greater measure was pract icable i Second Acts, for we are not per- | | | | mitted to see how he does it) she ©¢?! has become as putty in his hands. 5 She consents to be his mistress, and is indeed so determined to adopt this in- formal style of union that when he produces a special marriage licence she is indignant at such a concession to the proprieties. But once again the Cap tain proves irresistible with his French methods and all ends well. Mr. GeraLp pu Mavrier was the him. His reappearances were always hailed as a joyous relief to the prevailing depression. Even Dean Carey—most delightful in the person of Mr. Ginpert HarE—became at one time a gloomy Dean; and Miss Luan Brarruwalre, who played very tenderly in the part of Mrs. Westonry (the lady who had lost her reputation), could not hope to be very entertaining with her reminis- cences of a lover whom we had never

had the pleasure of meeting.

sa blush to} but it is all very decorous | | i drama is indicate ito mistake him for a British Baronet. game. Big game was his speciality | The only person (apart from le Briquet) (Africa) and this one was to be as big! wl t]

} life and soul of the play, which would | have been a dullish business without | — Anyhow there was no sign of the alleged damage done to our moral stap- dards by the War. But nobody will Mrs. Audley again (treated naturally and with a pleasant artlessness by Miss Emity Brooke) did not take very kindly der. Further, the authors paid a poor compliment to English gentlemen by providing the Captain with a duil boor for hisrival. The contrast was a little too patent. Even so Mr. Frankiin DyaLe might perhaps have made the réle of of this very interesting play. we have to be taught how to behave by a Frenchman, to the detriment of our sritish amour propre, there is nobody who can do it so nicely and painlessly as Mr. pu Maurier. ‘ | Sir Neri] Moreton appear a little less f ve . Y > ”” impossible. But, however good he may Weppine Betis be in character parts or where melo- I BEGIN to suspect that the possible ui, he never allowed us exhausted. power of being staggered by the emer-

ng to the general 10 contributed 1 gence of an old wife out of t! € past Weddina Bells for Ame! ica career of (1) the hero, (2) his man- servant, (3) a poet-friend. True he only produces two old wives; but ' bigamist, one of them, being a able to intrude “in places’ (as the auctionee! Wis 8 Say) Owrn NArRgs), right away from him and then ap- parently divorced him for desertion (L told you the play was Ame turns up on the eve of his marriage to another. He ican), has barely re- future wife in ignorance of | vhen he has to start taxing his brains all over again in order to keep his past wife in ignorance of his future. eee quarrel on that ground with Mr. Bester and Miss Epernton, the clever authors | And if | situations of marital farce are becoming | Certainly we have lost the | But | Mr. Sauispury Fieup, who wrote | is not content with a single repetition of ! this ancient device; he must needs give us these intrusions in tripli- | cate, showing how they affect the two | The wife of Reainald ¢ rte (Mr. having first run covered from his failure to keep his | 3 past | past THE CAPTAIN *“ EXAMINES ARMS.’ The First Act went well enough tain eB i ue ss Mr. GERALD pu MAvURIER and was full of good words—not Nevii Moreton, Bart, Mr. Fraxkurs Dyati very subtle perhaps, but the kind tol 4} ’ : , : A . “ : < | gloom was the Dean’s wife played with | that invites intelligent laughter. Later u 1, | the most attractive grace and humour|th by Miss Nixa Boucicaurr. |too improbable for comedy and not \ note of piquancy was given to Mr. | boisterous pure farce pu Mavurter’s part by English a Broken” is perhaps not quite | were furnished by a love-sick poet (a the word enough for his broken!The two most disintegrating elements torrent as being broken by pebbles in|in the last century) and an English its bed. There were momentary hesi-|maid who could never have existed | tancies, and a few easy French words, | outside the imagination of an American. pSucn as pardon ’ pourquoi done ? c'est} 1 make no complaint of the fact that | permis ? alors, were introduced to flatter | in a chequered past she had married the comprehension of the audience ; but | both Carter's man-servant and the anti- ior the rest his fluency and at all junctures, even the most unlikely—was simply astounding. Few people, speak- quated poet; but I do complain that her Cockney accent was imperfectly it consistent both with her rustic origin ing In their native tongue, can ever have commanded so facile an eloquence. What chance had against him ? The action of The Prude’s Fall was supposed to take place in 1919, but its jatmosphere was clearly ante-bellum. You will naturally ask what Mr. Owen Nares was doing in this galley; and I cannot tell you. I can only say that he was very brave about it all. In

e play degenerated into something | unless we may speak of aj figure that should have been viewr jeu | (an apple-cheeked lass, we were told, | from somewhere in Kent) and her situa- a mere Englishman | tion as maid to a very smart American. | —

{PRN TARE TRNAS.

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er ee 2 ee TS ROBES smrre meee ny A fe TAPE anemone ae a eae iB eC CNN 1920. PUNCH, OR TH —— j SEPTEMBER 5, | Me => = Ss Se ff eet aie ae Se ' sense the only one of its kind in the play >; yet not serious enough to serve as a foil for i the general frivolity, for he } Stantly bringir was con- ghisown highsentiments ‘ . : into ridicile, and so burlesquing the Owen Nares that we love to take seriously On the othe hand Mi | Cooper, as Rosalie, his late wife, w ; untroubled by high sentiment: she was | content to be wa iZ | confident the obvious power of her charm to retrieve him from the altar-rails He to come into the very own heart never seemed j ' le nerself to ree tive in sett was not much el * the } Was hot much clearer than hei ‘ . } ior deserting hip dome of t | £00d entert (is that what they America? ) who dressed very perfect jand said a great many funny things all well within the range of his own, and ow ; ny iy nteligence. now 1 ! iy played the part with admirable restraint And we could ill have spared the hu- mours of Carter's man Jackson (Myr. W itt West), whose wide experience in matrimony, resulting in an attitude alternately timorous and prehensile to wards female society in the servants’ hall. as the source of many poignant ss : 1,3 | UNSCIZADIE, | Mr. DevERELL | | CARR had no difficulty in question, and her mo- | ver him} [| cal rules.” Th Was a& serious performance, | ge! eralisations. Miss Eprra Evans, as a mother-in-law manquée, vetti ; g ng fun out of the part of a Japanese house- boy, almost the only novelty which we the play. i down by ywed to the American origin of turned Carter was n who refused to perform a divorced man, attractive is protest against these there was something very to a golier) in is was one of many but the play had its +} there were one or good things said dull times too, and two lapses made in the pursuit of the I Fo: Casy laugh. instance :- Carter. “ Do you believe in God? Wills. “Good God!” (langhter Carter here kneels down to get somet cing from under the sofa Wills. “Are you going to pray?” (langhter) Personality, of ounts tor and both Miss Guapys Cooper Mr. Owen Nares have enough admirers to ensure a success for this rather moderate But triumph, I fear; for, after all, the play counts for something too and, though all the Faithful may be trusted to put in one appearance, | doubt if many out- side the ranks of the Very Faithful will turn again at the sound of these Weddina Bells. O. 8. course, C much, and larce, showed a} touch of real artistry ; and Mr. George | decided to have Mr. Robert Smillie’s painted in oils for Burt Hall, Newcastle. not &| ‘s "AROLD’S TURN FOR TH! [ 1 | j | | i | | ; i | } appears on Page Eleven.” tening reception,”-—L’recincial Paper, That sharp. There , Cnet . Shufarrdts COLLAI “Northumberland Miners’ Executive have A Other matter relating to the coal Daily Telegraph “DAY BY DAY. Well, did you get your gun and have a shot it the pheasants and the partridges yester- lay »* _ Scotch Paper, SC} 2nd. Naturally: the same gun with which | we knocked the grouse over in July. | “Temp, In SHapE.—Max. of past 24 hou | Hyderabad (Sind , 941-2.’ j Indian Pa } Good for the pinders 2 : | | : | *One Dog with fai tail came to mv house . Srimanta Dey's Lane, may be restored to | the owner on satisfactory proof | Statesman (Ca tita}. | ’ .s ] ‘ + ni | The evidence of a dog like that would of course be useless “The Cathedral Choristers received a “learn” them to should was a ‘ombe Florey Who wrote story, | The English Review Found it rather too blue And MASEFIELD pronounced it too gory. | young man ol ( such i uesome short ' t i i 7 4 a $ : ; ' i

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TO GENERAL Japanese Commande? OL. -n-( hief. j (The Tre famous commanders of old Were highly and duly extolled, But their names As a rule were excessively long Unlike that new broth of a boy, The Japanese General O1. _ as recorded in song, __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON (CHARIV ARI.

|

For we've bettered in numerous ways Those polysyllabic old da\ S, And the names that confounded the! sosch Were monosyllabic—like Focu ; Sut for brevity minus alloy Give me Generalissimo O1 NAPOLEON now is Nnapoo ,; ALEXANDER, THEMISTOCLES, too; And you could ni screen For Mintrapes, pluck Or the names of tl But y old bean, Troy ; 1e heroes ol , 1 there 's pienty ol [ picture him frug But in action a reg \ figure that might be compared With a Highland r, chi speer h, ular peach— h

room for an O1, . , t % nd space on the} |

ieftain or laird, | |thave said — [SEPTEMBER 8, 1990.

in the lat e summer and may lots aught [will need a spe mn at rest. widely distant as Bar- | battle sudorifie mouth and Great Yarmouth, Porthcawl | experience that I know, even more and Kylescue The be it noted, tween the porpoise and the cuttle-fish ; hence its local name of the porputtle i i | a great fighter and | An hour's at places as with a stoot is the most 80 than my contests with red snappers at | Mazatlan, in Mexico, or bat-fis} ; coasts ot Florida. | 18 necessary. is a cross be- ; ; SLUOL, A compl te cl} lange | have already spoken ot the eating K ig i 1 1 great delicacy, tasting rather like | qualities of the stoot, wl exceed 4 mixture ol i pilchard, the anchovy itho e of the tope. One 1s en ugh to and the Bombay duck | proy ide sustenance for a nall eoun- For tackle I recommend a strong | try congreg gation. Cooked en casserole, greenheart bamboo pole, like those used | o1 filleted, . or grilled i tuffed with feet in eighteen three hundred yards } | about Carlsbad plums, it is delicious And lastly it lends itself a | to curing or preserving. jumping, 4 oes bout hawser, with a h, anda limirably Strathspey four- Bottled stoot is

some reel sufficiently large to hold it.|in its way as nutritious as Guinness’s. Do not be afraid of the size of the hook The stoot-fish« cannot afford . — , . ma FLOWERS’ NAMES. » take any ks. Ido not wish to . mrt cdogmatise must be big enough ae Loxpox Priv to cover the bait fuere was a haughty maiden Who lived in London Town, vambers. as | we gems her shoes were laden, | And the stoot is ex- tremely voracious. Almost anything will do for bait, if one ren With gold her silken cown In all the that the stoot 1s a At different ab ve, , ‘ times | have! _ jewelled Indi ; In all clean feeder tried a large square of cor dot soap, a | . the scented Eas simulation paneake, three pounds of | Where the hot and spicy wind ' f the ref tough beefsteak or American bacon, o1 » lady of the best

ke T oy +. |Can vie with me,” said No ett Like Tue Mackixtosn, monarch of|a volume of Sir Henry Howorrn's ‘ pecan y ¥ “3 Moy, | History of the Mongols, and never with- |S COW She Walked through London . } . | ‘it Redoubtable General Or. 1 satisfactory results City | On arriving at the tee ing ground of * Oy) walls stand prey and tately ; antes th an atrikine a nam 1} ; A yOOW, With 20 SIRINE & Dan the stoot, « line well out from | Our city gates stand hig You d be sure of success if you came | +}, } at wit small howitzer. You | Our lords spend wide and | tly: ‘ac any) " cet a té To our shores, and might oer osetds W iNX10 y for the first bite; sud- | Our dames go sweeping | | Oo Stay tor the ni t ] ‘ . ; | at r l'o Elmwood { ay lor the 1 Bm, | denly tl hawser runs taut and there | Our heavy-laden barges me sit 0 you erage vO Poy, | Sa screa l ( ee Bu { do not | Float down the quiet fl I ‘resist " ne | 1 | : : rresistible General O1 | be ufraid of the | screaming. Inthe | Where on the pleasant ma ass ad armen a Cc | circumstances it tenn ¢ good sign. | Gay Pomens:teaom a4 — | ’ 4 > | Tide Whose name is so tunefully brief. | Plant the b f your rod or pole firmly |Ub, there's no place like London City, May your + ghar { peace, |! the socket fitted for the purpose in | AndI’mits crown,’ said None-so-pretty v « “ . lol} ; ; 1 } ih _™ » . . Like that of our good Captain eo | 242 MOTOr-S er boats and let the fish | The fairies heard her boasting . NY y »} t 1¥ 1c ricer , , "7 ‘ : | And no murmur, No orerera hobs 3 for about ; p ” a and then | And that they cannot bea Be raised over General O1' . some and strike hard The battle 13 | So off thev went a-posting he ww begu Be prepared for a series For charms to bind he everw im mm , ; OF treme! is rushes. You will see] nqy » th around her THE BRITISH TARPON. | ie atoot’s hues bulk daal + the | ney .Wove their spells sround her, ; ae he stoot’s huge bulk dash out of the The siden pink and wv By our Piscatorial Expert. | water: vou will hear his voice. whic} pa eee ther : Decree Pt ae a ORE US VONRO, WINCH I With hegre Th they bound I — read with great interest, tem-| resembles that of the gorilla. This And flower pr ne t ; ; . 5 d ( owers sprans Os ered by a little disappointment, the} 1 go on fora lon: ie: if the t TE ‘ : } \ . ms, f, ns © b for a long time: if the stoot| 41] white and pink, called None-so article of Mr. A. Mrrcnet.-Hepoces |} be full-grown it will take you quite | gf i LK i jUive retty, on “Big Game Fishing in British|an hour to bring him ilongside the Tl P ty I C . _ som . | oa oe wwongs! he Pride of dus 5 sondon City. Waters,” in The Daily Mail of deptem boat. [Then comes the problem of how ; ber Ist. He tells us « i Mis experiences|to get him in—the hardest of all. ; in catching the “ tope, a little-known| The gaff, if possible a good French A City pigeon swooped dow: rpg tes . " i . © t ] , 1 r ; fish of the shark genus which may be} gaffe. is ind sponse but mown pear bagely" rtd aseest yep ay eel caught this month at such places as a eee nese Herne Bay, Deal, Margate, Brighton and Bournemouth has captured r 74 specimens measu fifty yards of the shore Personally I have a great respect the tope and for the topiary art, I cannot help re ‘that MITCHELL - gretting ~~ Ramsgate, | 1, Where he} for but | Mr Hepces has omitted all/ are terribly sharp and a is not mention of another splendid fish, the | unknown in th stoot, which visits our shores every year | }a marine lif ring | feet long within two hundred-and- | ore og hi i < . failing thas + +-preservel resembling a , is a handy weapon at this f the conflict Strike the fish | on the head re peat tedly—bu | the ti: Ll | —until MND Da jy Paper. he avy niblic speed was It will hat of the bird the kilbin, | | be observed that the st on " stage o | and not the bi icklayer. never ; he is pars ily sed and then firmly by the metatarsal fin | by the medulla oblong y- ata, but keep your hands away from mouth. The teeth of the on a interesting tracting parties being Mr. Richard son of Mr. and Mrs. und a bouquet of pink carnat "— Welsh "Pay er. There has been nothing like this GILBERT wrote of * An attachment 4 la Plat For a bashful young potato, Church, on Mond last, a very con Idest wedding was s woes ised, the 10ns his stoot since 1S spec 1e8 Having got the fish on board vou

1 off the

ene eevee: oe see TEER TE

pers

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es PERNT nn | Serrenwen 8, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE Li | EAN PHOTOGRAPHIN ¥Y WIFI i & ¥ XI WoT YER MEAN WOULDN YT SH 5 THE KEST-! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’s tay f Learned ( } Miss Sueina Kayge-Smirn continues to be the chronicle and brief abstractor of Sussex country life.. Her latest | story, Green Apple Haryest (CASSELL), may lack the bril liant focus of Tamarisk Town, but it is more genuine and of the soil. There indeed you have the dominant qualit this tale of three farming brothers. Never was a book more redolent of earth; hardly (and 1 mean this ¢ * BD ane } } - : . ‘ ) Will you close 1b without an instinctive impulse to Wipe your } ‘ aad | 7 ? 13 boots Che brothers are J i, the eidest Ciem, the ofthe great farm of Bodingmares; Bob, the central character, whose dark and ¢ fortunes make the matter of the book, ‘ tragedy gives to it the at first puzzling title. There is too} much variety of incident in Bob's uneasy life for me to lall about i example 4 itedly in the position of his brother's labourer: and} } |P , githe cast also includes a pair of engaging lovers whom {j}eventually the agency of the car unites. INDON CHARIVARLE. is 199 QUITE MISTAKEN; I—I wouLpN’? BO SUCH A THING. rHE BEACH,” | the comical vagaries of a cheap car ab history has inevitably its dull moments, has many “ + that, while it more that are both amusing and full of a kind of charm ithat the funny-book too often conspicuously lacks, I think this must be because almost all the characters are such human and kindly folk, not the lay figures of galvanic ifarce that one had only too much reason to expect. For | the owner of the car is a curate, whose wile is sUup- ‘ | posed to relate the story, and George has to drive the Bishop lin his machine. Naturally one anticipates a little drearily) upsets and ditches and episcopal fury, linstead of won't tell you what unreliable well, I think I happens instead, but it is something at once far more I must not forget to mention that which } probable and pleasant. Indeed, to pass blackest ttractive peculiarities i ’ } = ‘ se over the lady would display on my part the ingratitude, since among her many a follow it In detail. [he tale is sad—such a harvesting of|it is expressly mentioned that she (be still, O | aping . f thin ach |] , in J green apples gives little excuse for festival—but at each | heart!) reads the letter-press in Punch, turn, in his devouring and fatal love for the gipsy, Hannah and most of al in his abandonment by her, adventures of the soul, now saved, now damned, he remains all in his breaking | } . , ' ‘ | Mrs. Epirn Mary Moore has devoted her great abilities to | proving in The Blind Marksman (Hopper anv SroveHron) a tragically moving figure. Miss Kayge-Smiru, in short,|how shockingly bad the little god’s shooting became to- has written a novel that lacks the sunshine of it | wards the end of last century. She proves it by the frus- | decessors, but shows a notable gatherin 73 1 +> A 14 ow. } taro 2 | Would you not have thought that at this date motor-cars | had de finitely joined umbrellas and mothers-in-law as themes in which no further humour was to be found Yet here is Miss Jessir Cuamrion writing a whole book, The Ramshackle Adventure (HoppER snp StTouGHTon | trated hopes of Jane, her heroine, who in utter ignorance | lof life marries a man whose pedestrian attitude of mind is | quite unfitted to keep pace with her own passionate and |eager hurry of idealism. She becomes household drudge to | ja master who cannot even talk the language which she | |speaks naturally, and discovers in a man she has known | jall her life the lover she should have married, only to lose } oi lO Pegler cto a hess msn ai

Page 250

200 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, him in the European War the ineflective hbushband—1 Here you have both Jane and whom I Was sincere} ittle of life and didn't even get } against Cupid looks black. 7 ’? because he asked so ver that-——badly left, and the case Mrs. Moore does what e can for him by blaming ou Victorian ancestors and their habits of mind; but I think it ly fair to add that, delightful as Jane is, she was 1 » for happiness any more than the people who enjoy noor health have it in them to be robust, and that, true 1) ich of the author's criticism 1s, she has not been able to give The Blind Mark , for his future improveme: very helpful ideas as to how he is to shoot is On ’ Mit [he Devil, in so far as I have met lim in fiction, ba tially been a highly successful intriguer on behalf of an n prepared to make the necessary bargain. Sir Ronaip Ross, however, to judge from the rather confused mediwval happenings in the Alps which are faithfully described 1 The Revels of Orsera (Mueray has of the intelligence of Mephistopliel An f tain Zozimo, deformed rathe L low opinion body but of great roman * 5 ee | 4 tic sensibility, appear i have exchanged hi ut urd presence { } or that of a rich and handsome 7 Count, and in this ¢ wooed the Lad [ {7 hit who e sake her fatlie had devised a whificent contestof suitors at Ande matt in the year 1495 Alter a great deal of pre liminary bungling the sup posititious Count, with the Deyil in VA wo t

dying dwarf as he : if the pl t of T') () le the elaboration | i’t ti aey pmne | a tory. Lams x4 ‘ 4 é Mr. Win chietly bec e } ! | but pa tly t ll acc ivic i Ta) . littl ’ ' sparing i his use t lite r ind last i no ’ ‘ p r - \\ ) omal ts ib t L, ndon ! I { he usually (in a novel t } f Champion of t lami FisHer | 5B ‘ the el unpior in qu t n, becar t t Stock Exchange, and, if you will accept my | follow his fortunes, I can promise you a flutte Mr. WILrerrorce’s nan unknown to m } exp rienced in tl es of the nin the art of ficti 1 like ( bilit ! I like | ira loes not |

I likely to | k prig | y training, Jack was n nt by nat oF tee especially his father and siste tful people. Altogetl r I find this a most pi

1920

m ‘ ne Si long 4 veve Jaced +} o the RELL ESS LIA i | j i ty n f ind + } ) 1)¢ ( 1 + | ) ;

te f '#) ; 1 } ry | i ; ty | | | ce enenenre renee

Page 251

ETE IRS ® SepremBer 15, 1920 t is such behavi CHARIVARIA. urages the PROHIBITION meetings in Seotlat d, | savas an official, have been attended by Upon readin fifty thousand people We have thought , n Seotland ) ne ‘ At an Oldbury wedding the othe ! y| a brick was tl rown at the bridegroon We are There is no excuse for this sort f thing | match recent! th econtettt 30 cheap \ { One of the Pacitic Islands ul General O1 so small that the House of Com-| message, ha nons could not be planted o1 { \ Mexico great p y. der pot Sa “Do hot | chefs use cooket bo ise the U1 sks a home journal. Our own opu » ! ) | ec { T | to | ' — r } t met mY ’ i ent by ( f r In I ] { tal Palace o } " , ! wt Ke wl atte e 1 { la 4p . il hian ci ec hy cat denied that he thy ! i ad to ha a if timpaled himself I | It Doe wreed, savs 1 thie oom 5 | } ui milk shall be tenpen Le} Not by us the War Office announces in South > 4 t British armoured train. 1 pointed out to these Arab PUNCH, OR THE LONDON should nol tailed in her t there were so many ilier “ee | hannel LX hove \\ ( ( n Sep \ it i I 1) r Londot ld to be } ‘ i l nae} post + it ed aft ~ po! medical { yt : j te iy me I f 1 a oe { ) | | «1 onl j ; it Arabs | allotment ern Mesopotamia have ipture Lie omplainant t should be} that, if tl l 1} ! ithat Mr. Sminatn CHARIVARI, 201 Doctors at Vicenza have threatened to strike. This means that people in that neighbourhood will have to die without medical assistance “ Chief Hailstorm ol the Texas | Rangers, has arrived in London. His brother, Chief Rainstorm., has. of eourse been with us most of the summet Girls, declares a well-known City caterer, are acquiring bigger appetites We somehow suispec | that the de nand for a return of the wasp Waist vad influential Interests be nad it Ihe wife of a i Liithe Warwickshi has recently ] resented lhe ’ husband with three haby hoys We understand ive missed ‘Xtra strike votes iwhiel e would have | obt ined | ud the hoy | " 1 | be nborn ilittleearhe: \ ( pordinal | { Cs 4 tron d Lond } ‘ flaooti, t i) ’ py hat during the Cp Nniuiid f f a house Hrek pped | nnoticed fror it hod and fell in it ito it } ct position iwith th ‘ ilt that the Lc ! emplo ent by bri | ( Co ! ! bn NK it fol the da cen i | tit re er 1) ‘ ! n | I | [ (y | tad i t} i ) BE I 4 \ ‘ t — \ ( ! CLARK vest ! Ll ( re { | j | ' ‘ nf \ Lin f t th l | } t ciplit i} , " | Ci 1 4 yt fal ' \y } ‘ | Especial el } | Li . ae ’ eT t ily t | During tl] Hamil j Chann ‘ n I tS) ally t lhot dri nd at t chicken, tl small bones of which I kept chewing, a ee ed to as & We ‘ | 4 strict vegetaria I Ifarnilt | , | metim Win | tor dinner, a ps fora lay.” “4 scotch Paper It is evident She should KIp t ( cken f I .e| wants us to be excited about her strict i . | vegetarianism Stach se ret Gnaeacanlalstied Seis NGAOS nee Sate aye ahem ighaiianrieatann ee!

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202 PUNCH, OR THE DOGGEREL. To tue Prue Mrsirer'’s St. Bernano Por Mux your native country hgured as the e ol ! port Paradise of spies and agents, and Kh f ere the hospitable chan lent | Ha 1 to Hlun () the queue of rash te moereryll took the ¢ ‘ Lanny before a loco itive climbed the RK ( ! ‘ fame had mentioned our toretathet cha nol ! of dog How they tracked e lonely t ehh | jleuthy snout Till beneath a bill owadriit the en } ‘ about Hi hye al i of eoid ore Ke ( | i} Loerie | lly lreke ‘ had gone t ey Called attention to ‘ ‘ eh th | Live bitte » ‘ oes | by Mill the monks of good St. Benxarp rit like hell Ru umd bore bu tT tive Ospice ere }) nto bed \; | apphed j | ) at | ene la shee tive He | ‘}) ! ! al ! ! | ; { | » the a / tL tel ( can trace Yi i «arn i we | Line ceetie | thy { ‘ " ‘ Wit ive of p | 1 a \ Let th | ( pu p Keep) pecker uy y Tih \ 1 1 | }? }) You shall puns ‘ iy } } ott bh pint Mi with } i ‘ i ‘ State And at AY hints i ¢ neal i yy Ye hall aniff at Winesi tt ‘ CURZON foet Vv Hhik t 4 ‘ | ‘ kno All the rule r i ( nm the ds ‘ now 1h m pool | i ‘ ere i ls etre ‘ | { { i uw i | () THE PRODIGIES. Wi Crrent i hoanal nd | I } OOne« been telling a le old ft ‘ “ul { | thre prococitu \ ou onl i / We knew t tL tine tulked [atu nad lareek int | anal were tor | ‘ pare } irre i | thought that least © Bl | We = ppen by D> bi l « t think | the morat of that or he remarked \« Ll me lho trate the hkwil Cor equence ot Beneve lence ! LONDON CHARIVARLT, SEPTEMBER 15, | But she came alive ay iin, said Mvacdne Live | in extenuation | And the wolf wi killed,” we ventured in def lou old story Still pel ted Drusilla, you couldn't « | ivngriny nal Then in the othe Cree ent on Claude } ( ering tial he had been left in le charg . e and had 1 usin to go out and leave it hmereyv of burglar vhat moral are we to draw fr { { he marred Prinee and lived happil (t wa \I t of them have that ort of moral,” bid | ‘ And they are every one of them devoid of copl of the most ob us kind no subtlety When / Wil ye wee ind poor Lou ol te bay Vi heartil over the adver I ( laude eemed touched Phere uit ‘ iD { I nm ce in of hen he conceded ! yuiibe effectivel treated iH \ ed we a kel V¢ ikly It wa Drusilla, the most a irining of t ( ft i undertook to sketeh us out an example nad \fte a short meditation Something like t} The tuation, of course, you have met with be emodelled you migrhyt ¢ ull it hit TRIUMPH OF VIRTUE; ‘ eT Bap Fainy Motiep \ certain King and Queen had one daught 1) they invited a large COMPANY ial t particularly mnportant and bad Lem pere ! gnified her annoyance in the usual manne | ittendants of the little Prince (hin { WOKS) We e preparing dolefully enous mired youl When the Fairy, with a p re ed that the spell would not take et at ‘ breathed ¢ ull ul had almost forgotter a Ute 1’) net had gro. noup But { ! ) voged it that the pell fell upon the | hen aD f wrod mh ma vr the ‘ ad irom an thy its i } ud i ! ‘ ( ur't he |] ree is! iM itched in tl M ‘ ippea ml bad wily men handsome, and | haar ul hoped that she would thus make nia monial affa ana live unhappily ever alle 1) he had reekoned without the di po Hien Prines a kinel good girl with an overpowe! aduly When pre mi to choose he replied firmal eno other than Prince Felix | | ‘ Hi ul mM eomed pathetic ana f ' needed refor biol o urgent! that i ' L tine Jol No one yvondered at her « at } course, the t t handsome and excellent | Ultimately the Fa broke her spell in a fit of n, but Lnoul ar ratilyit Prine ‘DD Lhan eve ral ould ny t \ e;p i mend Hla nit I j m™ i j j nee | 1) | I 1 1910 to 1916 1 van View in India | Deper ley through il en ind } { Ol} as was made clear in 191%. when an attempt was mack ‘ H ! Delhi ' Daily Mar é / Har nije | i It OunG like wh SuCCE a (S8Linie, 2 } 1920, | ungest, | | } i itu ht be } VO © sand | it as | | 1Oso ne ah | who i Liew ik leep pi NOUS ome e alla y had the co ola at her ood pera a med bats i 1y ried 22 TERE ON Te Pale NA idaeecm

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5 AIT ¢ THE PUBLIC Mn. Swinuie. “1 CAN'T BEAR TO THINK I MUST PUT THAT RIGHT; I MUST SEE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GCHARIVARI,—Serremner 15, 1920 OF YOUR THAT YOU y\ y } a OF - BENEFACTOR. PAYING SO MUCHL FOR DON'T GET ANY.” YOUR COAL 1} 1} i 4 i { +} $4 | +} | i | Hi | }; ' ‘t it i} ri i i} | | | 1} | | } | | i

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PUNCH, Ol] THE COAL CUP. of hacking large lumps of fuel out of epresented Lo Us} from day to day present demands, we find the mia ntopies | the ec write are roughly these (1) The prospects ball and the Cup Ties i stopped mining Lmongst blue-eved cats (4) Mesopotani i (6) The saleof 7 circulation during t! be almost Aas port ol england as then Of all these topics course, by far the most absorbing, lacs) sends Drices I } ahnost evervone has remarked how prevailing passion Ty THE LONDON CHARIVARL. la preliminary article 1 thre | sav from Wales, tha miners could hew j i | | ee reece ae , + ..¥ cricketers were matched for sporting patrons it ieht he revived hould have headlines in th | Pre ti banks where the wild I'\ ne flows | be giad | | It will be objected, of course

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1920.} SerTeMBER 15, | hewing of coal is not a spectacula | affair. YOu cannot pack sixty thousand spectators into a mine to watch a hew ing match, and even if you could the iting is bad; but that is just where ithe skill of the reporters would come lin. After all, we do not most of us see | the races on which we bet, nor the Golf Championship, nor even BECKETT and Weis. But there would should be turned in; the chances of every team would be discussed he current odds Wwol ld be quoted and, who ever won, the consumer would score, lot ¢ ‘ whilst the s hewers would be ongest come popular heroes and be ph bo graphed on the back - page tanding beside their hews. [ admit that the South of Ey and London in particular would have , gland very little share in these competitions, and we should depend for local interest mainly upon the promising youny coits Kentish from the 1? couid find out | our coals came from and follow from afai | the fortunes of our adopted teams; an | Cabinet Ministers, at any rate, coul | distribute their patronage and their | presence with tact over the various} area nvolved. MR. BALFOUR HEWS OFF A DURHAM $a bie ] eadline which seems to guest itself, and I should strongly uge the Prime MINISTER, who has re ned, [ hear, with a St. Bernard fron : : he Alps, to lose no time in selecting a mo ippropriate playmate PREMIER AT Té MR. LLOYD GEORGE PIT-PONY is the kind of thing I INYPANDYS PATS PET mean, an l ver’ hard also to say six times q ickly t { making i mistake. Obviously the result of all this would be that not only would the miners bé istified in asking for more money but | that the country would be able to afford | it; and similar competitive leagues, to supersede trade unions, would soon be i formed by other trades. One seems be articles | on the correct swing whilst hewing, and | the prope) stance, and how far the toes | nurseries But we from our dealers where | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA | peared in a daily paper, cradles for infants are t ming thing of the pa SNUG retreat tor mothers treasure, | to hear faintly the loud plaudits of the | onlookers as two crack teams of West- end road-menders step smartly into the ; 4 a .: «eee Ivor. Our Bolshevik Colonies. Married Shepherd, used hilly country and ili farm and station work, desires Situa yn would cook one or two men.” * The Don rion.” Welliv qton, N.Z | | * The Press,” Christchurch, N.Z “4 1 | “Miss ——, a soubrette, whose songs lean towards the voluptuous, sank ‘Somebody ‘ : Baby Her encore number, ‘ You'd Sur | prised,’ was even more so.” rHE CRADLE. which recently ap- THE According to at port PASSING OF Shall I pine as | repeat Rumour’s strange report, which says you ‘re \ irtually obsolete ? Shall these lips a doleful lyric Proffer at your ghostly bier, Or compose a panegyric Moistened with a minstrel’s tear? Me the theme leaves too unshaken, Though “some” father more or less; Better ‘twere if undertaken By my wife (a poetess) ; And, if I be asked, Why vainly Occupy, then, so much space ? My concern, I'll say, 1s mainly » RIVARI Hiv nel Ny e ifs t NStepre fo eninent ANTS TO K V¥ WHAT YO CHARGE FOR TAKING With the woman in the case Kor (Though ‘tis early vet Your departure may for eve botanist). “ PLeas Mister, Macau rwins ?” when she and you shall seve to crow Lay het proudest tri unph low . Yes, while men (1 Round her fin If her hand can't ih cradle rock m much afraid) ‘Il gers still be twirled, It may cease to boss the world. Commercial Candour. “Trate Householder clumsy why be manner? Fetch your sex clothing to me and be done in the ipproved style.” Dar " I per, i “Mons Fresh literary fame seems to be the Maurice Hewlett family circle Mr. Robin Richards, the famous readers with his fir LITERARY novelist t novel,”— Daily swindled in a md-hand Most HeREDITY. pending for son-in-law of the about to appeal to fiction Paper. No more of the old-fashioned Darwin and GALTON about and children, nonsense fathers eee ET STATE TR NE TNO eS BE CS NPA set TOS oe ass 8 mat

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| little poem by the} is stall possible to | exta Fliumpse of romance | qui t i.e generous mMeast peril and adver eens he youngest and perhaps the mos story begins | and her m mn Isabel Ma » Were just being L pe rpet ial bug mn and tsabel | cas d Margaret and R eas with whole plat millions of them na wherever they ne day John felt that fishermen saw n ackerel in a net Margaret with a | vho had not been trives to reach matui with the mackerel j the barristers, evervbod, lter and R pert and OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLE. ; | ae | i >} LADY's SLIPr! COUNTRY gossips, nodd anv a timid bae Tne Gladiatorial Spi | We

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. . — Survmumen 15, 1920) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 207 |

“EVERYBODY COULD BE LIKE us“ | | WHY MAKE A SIGHT | OF YOURSELF ?

-

ce 7am \ Sc aah Seger One Bo TT F FRIZOLIN’ Fixes THE HAIR Lime GLVE

DO YOU SUFFER FROM LACK OF BRAINS @ \F $0 — SEND PO. FOR 2/6 aN Te | X Paor X. BAX M. Room N vs\ 21 Storer's Couat |

Tue SECRET OF |

| sh pee =

Es Ty ‘aati —* PECK HAM | 7 ik AND AWAIT RESULTS, i & ore Sn ennaetee tama Mor “ASTOUN DIN c! | PRoF x. THE MAN WHO HAS (PRESS OFiNiON) | REVOLUTIONISED MFOICAL SCIENCE -

oe Rox Goon News | < f ron Wortent | YOR, N wh \ : i GM ey” F "EVERY WOMAN : . ce ae 4 MAN GE BEAUTIFUL CONSULTATIONS DA

PB gba san a } ) i

| | i ne A} 4 ' Ai a Bd € EY if

KS MADAME F T K i j i. ae ‘ i | MACPAME ROBINSON HOW TO FASC WATE | Hi DOCTORS DESPAIRED = } F j ‘Bi AMAZING STATEMENT } 6Y¥ X j WELL KNOWN LONDON (67S M’ SYD PORKER of Mages 250% GLADSTONE TEARACE ‘ TOOTING < ‘ “4 WAITES w— | **f AT) Twice THE man } \ J } aes 3 Wt AS « f ; Mme PORKER | PARWES'S FURPLE PILLS. (TAKEN For Lite)

THE PERSUASIVE POWER OF BEAUTY IN ART.

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Oriel, and since } and his wife have | rooms, e@Xce pt auring when their-son joins s holidays from V But our host is still | LI obstinate ‘ en the War has a ninish, ana 5 in

A DIFFERENCE OF CLASS. ,;, PUNCH,

jue to stare up at us with Ir is without doubt the most expen-| concentration that renders ve hotel on the front, and the palatial} unconscious of the frantic ning-room in wl we have just the sr Ll « i ) accompa inched 1s furnished and decorated inj}t » tug em towards the beac hat st mptuousiy fuxurious tvle to ent they ext nge a ich only wealth, untran melled by art. | qui \ is, and the mal able to attain Personally I cannot |] il oment the object if arge 1s too tak back

Ran over my child's b'loon.’” ye peats the other inexorably ‘‘ Least vays your chauffer did. An’ wher é ered | out to ver to stop you just is i | like , runaway railway tra j Rolls Royce CONSCIOUS OFT | is t ¢hoa ntira enn . Olt " entire COMpal y. Pp I wether and regards ; cuser | irably First | ’ve ‘eard of it,’ a vis. | Where was the balloon any In road | sp sé ‘ Yes t 1 j | etorts the othe i“ where it’s got eve oO » | | Road’s there for the cor venience of b’loon-fliers just as much as for motor-« L, K ere, that s 0 I t Ssavs the car-owns If the balloon g l ; ver own fault g e | 90 1n the road.’ 5 I} ts a nice i 4 suadeniy comes WU : nes } tron tie woma t )

Dailoons to ’ . able people, we are

na the ad rat I roborates he isbal en conceived { Wot \ even further enhan in? Prussia? nch by b hear Vv By t s time ; I uiy's diamonds Li i is gat ered on t | Cinquevalli-like dext ind 1s gazing up at pro by her husband in tagonists with g ‘ 3 S full load of peas on The ladv in the d is side of a fork \t prey mingled indig i man, somewhat fi alarn has leant el champagne, 1s STORK spouse nd iwswl spe a mous Cigar with a rently. but he s 5 iH band round it, while the lady, her dia- | ciga S t | gazes is- | with an impatie movement monds flashing in the sunshine, leans } tonishim« t the ac ng apparition Not on yer life,” he snaps back 1 her chair and regards witl before | won t get a cel tout o me supercilious eyes the holiday crowds ‘A | rag pursues newcomel Ho, won't we!” exclaims > that throng the pavement below lr entiess \\ lrivineg along hoth t Following her glance my attention is/ the front here iy piven irs nat car. | Wa ; suddenly arrested by the sti inge be It ain’t no good deny a lL took | de t = haviour of two passers-by, who have} the numb our | stopped in the middle of the pavement ‘“\W i ienving it?’ ex N ° and, alter exchanging some excited com- | cl s Kholis-Roves Who’s denving | the f+ 1s ments, are staring fixedly towards us. | anvthink 2 in § S From their appearance they would seem “Tt , ' sood t n’ to deny it te gal - ‘ to be a typical husband and wife of the} retorts th« t An’ it ain't good peopl S working-class on holiday, and it oceurs|denyin’ wot you did neether, ‘cos | ‘ve| pay f la § to me that, given the clothes and the xt my missus ’ere t prove it that wa) diamonds, ney might well be occupy- | What I t echoes the asto ished Re flecti ns tl feasipbu ths | ing the wicker chairs of the couple op- | mat ‘What did I do novel financial sch cut short by ite Pendantix: ¢ Soka ‘ > Ta j ian ae mvidently the oe O% Come Rat ver my child's b'loon,” states | the appearance at the top of the steps ody or something in the hotel porcl the accuser, fixing him with a pitiless |}of the hotel porter, who t 5 the

manent

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; j ; ' ' th PUNCH, OR SepremBER 15, 1920

THE LONDON CHARIVAR

I. 209

pi tlebit tf the disturbance tive Nnoids if a Supt ») gesture at arms specimen relig! ts his ¢ ray and sits | le envoth beneat S$ Nose or a moment | gloweripg across t md, and silence Come on, you re not allowe prior t @ pays no attention to her, | falls upon the scen¢ . silence broken ! e observe tiv es ( ! ipatien vith} at last by the ut\ the diamonds, | ! . , | I retorts the n the e brushing aside uri- |} who has resumed he grid pose in | i Is this Buckingham P : sting inte } ad col s his |the wicker-chau | ‘ ‘ ‘ , ' ! t ip ere PSS \ ( ha “ | «"Orrible 1) vie “ Observes, ad- | I i ' , | ‘ scends . ys i y , ' course) | I} * f! OO é j in J] OLISTILaT | I he con- | A : , ' t Conierred the ¢ ~ pip pan =} wt { Rolls Roves ciudes fi i the pavement ‘No one } : . j | | . Se ’ horse i Alf i ne he explodes i} ean’t close my mouth with ‘alf-crowns.” | , | . | ns indignantly to the comp brief space he stands scowling | Caligula the colt (a trifle sar ' ~s ° | \ . Hh ie A ‘ val! i; up al poreh as t ough challenging | Makes kings ol ckey, pure ber and | j + } | \ » on strike ill d sundi t perform this feat, | traine. i Deris ve ¢ ers nad count ri sithen. tak cf ~ fe by the arm, moves | ; ¢ 43} rs Sanity counts sé é yo! thmsste | ip y the crowd beto oft er and the still insistent No . . ‘ , bg } } } Il 1] ti the earher but the itel Classic censed Dballoon-owner bursts fo heach. ihe crowd} + OU FO . ! i , : } ¢fiill : . | = : = } in ln passioned detenee of his regretiully convinces i 1 , .» 7 : tie > enable right as a free-born Bi ment is at an end Journalistic Modesty. : m : Pv - . ry P re larly at afl ike or to buy half-crown balloor Rolls-Royce, seem- | [ was h ary : acm a } | f +} am ‘ f Lyceum first nights for a whole quarter of a | ® Spirit mo sit) } ) ) née mterest oO " ‘ I oves hin Simuitanes . ‘ ; jcentury. ... He delighted in the company © say im the chaimonds rises host. who are looking | of third-rat« people “iucing a coin from her vold t some zoological ! C. 4.8 we Sphere.” PEE SE MR dh NA “PRETO EES Ee iia SA tial el tetanic nt iii i “hina a lik hi ahetih ieh DASA i anh DB

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210 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 1 [ | ,' Tris Ba A . l \ GLADY i I FASHION AND PHYSIQUE Tue heightened statyre of women was | and bootmake t' 1 iavourite top in ul thropom rcles long before the Wai however, that they are not going tolandt rest content with their present standard | deve opment ol brain amon of altitude, but are invoking the re |surgent yout is evidenced sources of Art to render it even more} correspondence in 7 Von conspicuous We do not speak rashly it has been f i necessary or Without book The Evening News\a radical change in the st ynnounced on September 8th that}hats. B where there | Women are to be taller this autumn l eranial ( ension. » ‘ Nature may be in the Fall, but women made to 1 edy the def are on the rise The mode by whic sertion of a ¢ | he it} by this effect of elongation—so dear to}! whic 1 head of undersize Art is to be attained is deseribed in| fe ence WA iy ible to we detail by the Paris correspondent of} hat Aga to meet thet our contemporary as follows ltomers in whom the temp A fluffy and very high head-dress | the eranial 1 rion is habitu will be worn this autumn. The effect is} hat has been devised with obtained by the aid of pads, and adds lining for th nsertion of some inehes to a woman's stature | The ‘ Beverk nickel-plated Another type of coiffure is being adopted | at ng helmet, as it is called by some hairdressers, who leave the] found 1 large sal — hair flat and smooth round the face, | underg: ul lai and only make a sort of bird's-nest of | As a result of the revival of the ends, which stand well up so as to } t rised he extraordinary | manual Angels "’ controversy, in which Canon | with m« CHARIVARL nuinbe bon less hosters portraits of this! hensile lthe ch | | | autumn, our ih and the tb motor or opening i SEPTEMIES impanzee, has | by the] will be furnished by glo 1 Post to make | lation le: been noling of 4 ’ } will be | elbows ect by the in | aggressive the aid of | building refi iver- Jewish 18 already | pointin Balliol | Semitic lengthen the profile in an upward | Barnes has taken so prominent ' direction.” Nothing, however relation of fashion to the physique of the | DARWIN (vid sterner sex To s said about the] self is a ; correct this omission! Pictorial). hands wil | jand Mr, Borromiey has declared hi | & whole-hearted supporter of le his article in The Sunda | | be supple and and stronger I ibric, ran cum relieve the a N ) 8 | by a s\ ste! ‘ds Of cus sott in lt only rem ‘old water, | consequence of the pu Protocol and ( te to ch tubes and be more han ever, a type ot coat train on thi ot progressi » point of cont Lins to be ‘torevolutionary an ties, noses } and @ la Gre } ] ir reasons feet will be s re uplift in the inste perspinng A Hot Spell. From a story for boys :— was so intense tl from every paw.” i] | pene SPIN DAR * whe resembling 5 5A AOE tea

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Serrempgr 15, 1920

ee I eg ae pine — —_ a

° > —— I be 5 Sor ls vl ~ \ Wn . é oS SF oe a 7 > . —_ = a WOO SS h , . ~ r= WS Ol “a _ = y \ Z 8 ~ Sr |, y, Pp, ~_ Sa > | TE SOPOTAMIA Ze. x aS 25 LZR 1% S. NZ) ~ “TE A ? > 2 ~ on ae -

aT ry. rar 1} SNOWED UNDER. Tae Sr. Bernarp Pur (to his Master). “THIS SITUATION APPEALS TO MY HEREDITARY INSTINCTS SHALL I COME TO THE RESCUE?” Before leaving Switzerland Mr, Lioyp GRorRGE put hased a St. Bernard pup

eats A AS TT TA ae

Page 262

Page 263

SSmebantaastctt ta teats | SepremBer 15, 1920. Pt | INCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARI. f { | | i } i | i | | | | €) a ). PHis IS RATHER JOLLY, Wit A RELIEF IT I ) 5 rH} KEAI JAGGED & rT They whirl in a shimmering cloud They bask on my ledges and romp THE OLD WOMAN'S HOUSE ROCK, SCILLY.) >)" "SS iment ihe curled at the Soka OLD woman, old woman, old womat The perch on my chimneys and Old bulls in then whiskers and pomp said I, crowd ; And sleek hi » brides “"Tis a mighty queet place to | I'o nest a vy knee Yet others come visiting me building a home i And set their d chickens to rock on Than grey seal or bird I teeth of th orale wha the mothe Men come in the night from the sea A of the foam | Lap of t ( And utter no word. nothing in view | cL} Wet weed clings to bosom and hair; | 1@ sky Old woman, old woman, old woman,” Their faces are drawn; inot be « rful or healthy said I They crouch by the embers and stare iry It sounds ver ll, but it cannot | And go with the dawn Why don t you go inland ind rent | he pit ; | To sleep in my val len, the vell flow snug house, his mm be desolate spot ot a ing over them Witl ! wis n the garden i 1c 1) | ght Like a vreen lawn ~ ming boughs | With nothing to hear but the guille- PATLANDE! nan, old woman, old woma mot's cry = uid | | The sob of the surf and the wind sough- Labour Leaders on the Links. A garden have I at my hand | G et nd get vou a cat for your I nder a photograph in a London Ben sath: the:-ereen serail a TMA ANG pe pe a ee ee evening paper runs the following W 1 pathw: vys of glimmering sand | \, > ath " rossips for scandal ss ‘i it Secttaen of bee 1 | Tie T 101 ROSSI} intrtapeis ais ‘Mr. John Hodge and nother official pene a and tea, Iron and Stecl Founders Union enjoy a game | ere twinkle the star fish and there Old woman, old woman, old woman,” fof yolf after the Trade Union Congress at ; Red jellies unfold; | said | Portsmouth adjourns for the day. Our preturs rhe weed-banners ripple and flare | shows Mr. John Hodge Putting All purple and gold. No amber-eyed tabby may laze Some idea of the forceful and unconven \nd have I no poultry? Oh, come | (nd purr at my feet tional methods of our Labour leader When the Equinox lulls ; Jut here in the blue summei may be gathered from the attitude o The air is a-flash and a-hum davs Mr. Jonn Hopaer, whose club is raise With the tumult of gulls; well over his shoulder The seal-people meet.

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THE TAXATION OF VIRTUE. aid Peter. tili they | SHALL Wail send me the final notice Being his wile suid Hilda t lam ina position to know that he will not. In another week he will p thought ueht of income-tax saving that the has affected his nerves and that he can bear it no lor ve He wobbles like a for six weeks twice a ear, and ie while his family starves ‘“* Under our system of taxation Pet retorted, “the mnocent must suffe i “Tt falls alike on the mist and unjust,” | inte rposed Llow else would you have it? “Naturally [ 1 ld ave ihe unjust alone & repued | “Why not on the ust alone | asked, suddenly aware of the birt al an idea “Of course you Want exen plior * You miss my point. You grant that LaXation 18 necessary “For the sake of pyument, sala ; } atl Peter, I grant that, with reservations } “Since then there must be taxes, why | not have taxes that it would be a plea sure to pay not a pleasure to pay The current taxes are lL obj! ro Mr. CLANCY SERVIN’ ON Micnuarn? I'm 2 i5, 1996. ' | | | | Prer-ste yyy Hilt Wii Se ; ; cote : | ? t d Ve without | satisfaction to you Yo I pay eserval with pleas ire. Besice $, { ; l pool Now there is only one sort of tax|kind of virtue that will abide : it [T can imagine anybody paying | test The tax would be st. Sup ‘ giadly, and that would be a tax on his | pose that five pounds Was ipo! virtue | you for honesty. lf vo efused to pay stil ng alter y own ex-| how could you ever again claim to be | | ~ ed Peter | honest 4 You would be as I . oF wecoun Take, by valuing vour honesty at f » unds. | preference, yourself. You have virtues} No, you would pay and pa adily na are )? ad ol | My words were adaresst to Peter, | Hild vened, as } had antic ipated. but Hilda seemed the mort terested j Che ] é ulinitted,”’ said she, but |‘ It sounds well, but ho mld i is i he assessment value of the! raise the money ” She ASK vuEUeCn That would depend on | virtue Never mind that. You ave proud of| I replied. “The sobriety tax, for ex- | your virtues I turned to Peter again | ample, would be levied on a e et vou are somet ts troubled, | had not for some vears ber victet VK 5, DY fear that you! of drunkenness.’ may not really possess them after all} But how about the y ssessinent ty Virtues by; dont get fined for not having t) bs Inland Revenue would] fulness, unselfishness, kindhe nes Y . sten sel at ’ a ull those ? : | acdinit that Wout fi Exeept vai sala Hilda iCan you suggest anytoing | sKeu | Her 1OUCE would n rf be accepted | Peter. | If you had paid taxation for the pos * No,” he answered 1’) f session of a virtue, the receipt would be | couraging your rotten idea anynow \ guarantee that you did Possess that} “Could the revenue offici: feel peo- pa ticular virtue, and it would conse- | ple’s buinps td inquired Hilda reflec que ntl he nw source ot profound moral it vely |

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as sahigitel : SE NE scseieiinig OE tebe icnscm acca reissue “Sn . F O90) ) IING ee be , y r ‘ r nan } Sepremper 15, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CILARIVARI 215 | - ; es es - ms women os = rR SA ace RL Fa 8 aga os ate Ne i —y j i | | | | i Z j j i : i § i ' : q ' ' | i i i 5 } i 4 Se t i ; if ; i i 5 i} 4 fi i } | i} } | i i | } | it ‘ | i | | ; | ? | j . i | } i 1 7 I : Fish j Hie Fis BUT YOU'VE GOT TO FISH DRY TO « H | il i | imerican ki clu S YO KI EAL HOMESICK i i es — i" pnaamear ese Bol et i ‘ i i.’ said . le wouldn t/t} ‘ vy system tio || | “Tm afraid,” [ said, * peopl ler my system taxation would) yew RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. | stand 1 Faney Pet - become the measure of a inans moral | : | ‘| Ve irq) l ‘ said H ld T ( wortl i pe ple Who cid not pay | Put ( HAMELEON, | " , a . 7 al " ‘ / revenue officials would attribute a vi taxes would be simply out ot it. All} lun chameleon changes his colour; tue to ie taxpayer, and if he wanted! the plums would ro the highly-ta ved | He can look hike a tree ora wall ; to escape taxation they would require! men Their tax receipts would be cer- He is vimid and shy and he hates to j ’ | ' him to prove to them hat he lacked | tifieates « ‘haractel and the more they be seen, the virtue in question marned the more the Treasury would be | So he simply sits down in the grass and Thev would like doing that,” n thle to get out of them. So far from } goes green, tered Peter dodging taxation people would scramble And pretends hi nothing at all ‘Vy } { ] + a@ | ; ; ‘ " } You have found the solution,” 1) to pay it I wish I could change my complexion j saad to Hilda “If vou lnpute to a ‘ But how,” asked Hilda, “ would you To purple o orange or red: i person a virtue he does not possess hneimake the tay ect ipt HY) trustworthy iT wish | eould look like the arm of a probably denies that he has it, but he! testimonial ? Your rich man with one chai } i s really flattered and his denial is not} virtue would have a better rece ipt than) So nobody eve! ould know I was / i | Since Hy uld be willing to pay] your poor one with ten there j Ol e would rather pay than not “The virtues taxed would be SHOWD | When they wanted to put me to Att ; point Peter vrew tired of re-|on the receipt { replied, Jesicles, | ” i ! ~ } ed. } training from comment “| don't want pool and virtuous men would, as | have | ; : | j ‘0 > j } | | wish [ could be a chameleon | | you to suppose,” he said, that Iam tak-| suggested, get an abatement on their | 11 | p : | vd —— 9 And look like « lily or rose | Ing an nterest in your fatuous scheme,} virtue taxes, and the amount ol the/,. : , , } | } 1 1) } iI ‘d lie on the apples and peaches and it but doesn't it oecur to you that under} abatement would be shown on the re- | i . 1 ; ' } Li | ’ | pears, your systein it would be simply ruLNOUS ceipt SO It COU i easily ye seen Wirral . . , | } : 4 : ; But not on Aunt Margaret's vellowy i 0 have any virtues at all, and that the proportion & man was paying on is | Sai tj ] lai. } F . ” | chairs oniy people who would flourish would wealth and what on his virtues. | x P . . i +} . } } . | " ) ] + | | should have to be caretul of those be those who had no virtues ana were | * Look here, said Peter, aroused at i | not ashamed of it?” last. ‘do vou convey that the tobacco | Ihe chameleon s life is contusing; | ‘Fo one t hing,’ | replied coutidently, | duty would be paid hy pe ople who} He is used to adventure = pain oie i ‘ ‘ 7 } ’ |} Ry f ewer » eat t t ary j the taxes would be graduated in the | didn’t smoke ? a if ever he sat on Aunt Maggie's i ordinary way in accordance with means. | “It would amount to that,” I an- cretonne ep | i The slight st flicker of a conscience | swered, “assuming that abstention from | And found what a curious colouw he ‘d in Park Lane would be more heavily| tobacco were counted a virtue. Bey : , | muleted than the most blameless life in| “There mav be something m it after | | don't tink he d do it again. | ’ . | ' . j J | | Bermondsey. But the main point istall,”’ said Peter. ! i. Pe. |

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THAT TEA INTERVAL Berore the last ball of 1920 is bowled and the la bal in a first-class match falls (as wi e the Oval this very afternoon, September 15t is ild like

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

—~— DEPTEMBER 15, 1990. “From what I hear,” said the first bush. “the verything 's going up by leaps and bounds.” How is that?” asked one of its neighbours ‘It's due, L underst und,’ the first bush repli |

’ . : : 4 nytt Nyy . ‘ to scarcity of labour and partly to profiteering | to let i Gods of the Game know how ropose spene : . 3° ‘ox ; } “~ - ~ x00 err “i nt ‘ I fa me “]T don't see why we shouldn't participate, said another | he lolliowing winter in their interests, 50 ’ y Ede . . . } } , } e lo f 1991 +} ie ; ; ‘ bus ‘* Here we are. c yvered With truit, and its ist as season pride, and 1 was s ibly enthusiastic and complimentary, | nad the close ol IAS | yen such wholehea mi i Mierns | * . . . . 1 x” ; ‘ore Sa x But do look a po hands and arms | our torn ; Hornpy and Surewspury and Gract 9 » dol, erie \" sy ks : 1 1 > CK said the iady ‘We ve picked piac => hears well without the support of Hyson or Bo . ng ie : i . , | year er year, but we've never been so bad itched ul b centul cket and tea were s ing ‘ “ perore [t's extraordinars | can t account lidy suffe Ay But the attacks } 1 | i, thougi tea interval became ion and 1 ‘ : realise can eve ce ) parate the ga I mrre % : : . j . THE MOON-SELLER t cups ane hat bein: accept the probler — \ MAN came by at night with moons to erval at once less | lt f atk byle \ ns old and nev he ened { the lover of c1 ‘ i i s ithist It ( | ead wher | neard him ¢ uli { ri - | been working and intend to work throug he Hi his basket on the wall fo | } : What has t be done 1s (a) 1 ore € val That I might see inside | ibbreviated nd Keep e players on the field [t is And itch the little moons curl yand e length of it and the empty pitch 1 so depressing ne he touched rang softly like a | to the spectator, and it is the return to the p it 1s He pointed out to : » detrimental to the n of the game Ne Cre harvest ) = wit ) set lib batsmen ever wa nterrupti und | é Pale moons to , ere SNoWs gro t 1oticed a reluctance in certain members of t helding Red moons ! cto As for the watchers, they never fail to grow \ steadfast moons for n 1 ship \ is | u N Stil, as 1 have Lid, 1b 18 NOW recognised t tt craving e man w came \ » mar 1 ms tos for tea is as much a part of the pres ra g I ho came many ) "” ¥ Ope ed Is basket wide six-ball over, and the me has passed | P — —_ 1: i = Showed me the filmy crescent moons But somecvning Can be done to wuiate if and | seu 5 _ = y ’ mv efforts towards a : on the arg ‘ \na the plied discs (ike silver spoons) i ' hat push an ull the tide cricketer is not called in from the game to read his tel Cha ae ip SD SOS8, } ’ ! small sweet honey-moons to give i rid gram, but (as we have all se 50 oOlten) t rf + \nd : 6 cmt: Sharam = taken out to him, surely the precious fluid 30 1 This moon,” he said you will rememb \ sionately desiderates can be taken out t t At p [ts price is wealtl ntold sent, therefore all mv tft ughts are turned 1) 4 , | To rK 1 camp moon he vowed he stole to struction of some kind of v eeled waggor re . \y is ftly wl upped to keep it whi le fry 1} ‘ , , , , use at & WelL-KnOoW! estaurant in the Strand \ c [ heaped nis feet with gold } hiteen cups (two for the pires) and a i sug nd He changed, and said the moon might not be sold | milk can be conveyed, w the cont b Pread-and Then I was angry that with moons to sell butter, or shrimps or utever is eater PT PR i i PT ae oe thought he had the right the tea, on a lower sh i) rusher tot rT .. | 4h | i { 5 e | A ‘ To Keep that one Ih se who were lent to us ground at ») and pu | t " ’ | g i] 4.20 w \ Had written the brief notes they sent to us seriou jury to the 3 . | " _ | rious ey ' my idea t When it shone out at night moment; but am a wor mechar nd si ‘lad 1] | agen pot en See ad be glad I caught it to my heart and held it tight } if some properly qualihed : R0ORINSON mind—would take the work ove E. V. L | A DRT Oe Ree pe eee

| IN How I came to be able to understand the languag But I do understand it It is my | peculiar privilege to overhear all kinds of whispered ¢ n- | versation ivuage ol trees 18 a secret green speech in green shades—as | take my | rest underneath the boughs on a country walk. §S | I shall set down fully the result of these leaves-d yppings, | but at the moment I want to tell only of w! blackberry bushes saying last week. | at 1 heard som: THE MOVEMENT | They

Students Require clean, resvectable Board-R t to Share Bed.”—Provincial Pape should have lived in the days of Oc, the King of his bedstead ? ; 1 net Basan 1s a bedstead. During the past few weeks several parties of Afghan merchants at i ders have settled up their affairs and come into India being questioned by British poets in the Kh

Some day | entered this country by way of the Sissobi pass.” Indian Pa Some of our poets are not yiously curious, and W | hardly surprised to learn that the Afghans could not “ abide their question ‘

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CTIARIVARL. LONDON THE ) ‘ O} PUNCH, 1920 15, SpepTeMBE! ———— \ —————— be a _ “> = A ‘ oa one rr. \ (7 \ iAtaN 28 1. = _ _ ( ~~ Ay 7) } « AF . » ‘ ~ OX } ke on SA ‘ \ x ‘\ > — \

he at Na f i j Pe 4g S “4s / 4 ab. SG : “yr ~— | n = oe . a \ \ \ eV | S) A C@CK-AND-BULL STORY.

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Now w) next meal. for a week: five miles to Water Scots inns are all righ ‘ Yes,’ chimed in much As for me,” said loughby, looking at via dumbly for little like the fell ust of bread, a und you y “MacFadden it wonderful years, satishes me Ww WhO Sal the hap, ‘Isn't remarked Mac tically ‘| don't know said Wi ilk ALES, enth poetry, whose t rather than literary I always liked that | gut lunch | sure to be an hotel the | kely there ‘ll be noth whom he has adot bott! istes are sport with these beastly en en toot, re t ing ic k now he remembers his OMAR? how we get there. I am think ing of you three men, of} course she added | Stily *we girls clon't int we THE LANGUAGE i the muddle, now get : us out. you will sleep next night or eat your ‘the map shows it is only and Those little Sylvia, * ti slas- | re! gencies.”’ {SEPTEMBER PUNCH, OR THE LON ‘DON CHARIVARL = SS land aaavetenail hastily, Wire | at whie th Willough by sig Not [,”’ Il replied ‘You’ ve got us No. ] ‘Tue jolly part about an island | and say it 's for to-morrow aN ‘What I wanted to ask see re there are no towns and no rail- ‘And then,” said my practical wife, | whet ther perhaps you could be sq kind wavs,” said Willoughby, “is that you |“ we shall get to-day’s hot lunch cold] as to give us a bit of bread ; have thrills of excitement as to where| to-morrow, and a rapacious Scotch-| or something,” said Mac ingr woman will charge us for it twice} ‘ Of course one doesn’t expect land at} ovei |lunch in these places without Lochrie Bay to-morrow it will be nearly | I wish you would say J aewed not |} it beforehand.” lunch-time: but shall we get lunch ? Seotch, ”’ complained MacFad den. ‘And those that order bef ‘T can answer that,” replied Mac- | Sorry Kilt ie,” rejoined —hewg ‘and | dinna come,” she replied Fadden, whose grandfather was a Scots- | perhaps one of you two will deal with | perity. “A pairty of six orde man. and who was once in Edinburgh | the Scots woman.” iterday; then they telegrap! me of you| they me ind now t} vered iM. veFadden. “ Wil- job that needs ‘Teave her to me and n in to-day, and the time lang gor |thocht ye were the pairty at am | ‘What a shame!” mu the! Fadden sympathetically Ayvif they had turned up had their | paid for it too good lady there 's | interfere,’ ans\ i here loug! hy is no good “at a not half as lovable as | OM. oll iv 7 W ec i] send } eat when wire at once Come o and very eit] | hae days they sl! for But if ve eat their lunch it’s cauld but g So we ate he reason: ib ly i on good t ro Walking up | hall from the just ponte and 5} lvi orately ‘Awfulls | eta silly said, | | fees and the | | F r Wo ‘but rotten way oft lish You set sniggered; Sylvia reddened |it to Aphrodite. L5, hed audi bly. Will re 1920, won't!” you Was 1d cheese | tiatingly, l proper ordering ' ren and i some as- | “i 1Or Yes- af 5 Lo Say | re no | e Dy | i ‘ 4 * Mace- } i | il hey should neh, and said the | Twa | ve paid ef ye can them y, paid Lway th our iy 1@ steep I was yughby was push tes and ngel ib y about : , Svyivia nly then ilking Eng- nen she - 1 ¥ | says, ‘ Ih \ he Mrs : | res “You SEEM TO HAYE BEEN IN A GOOD MAN 5 rions. | , , 9 posed, “is the pressing) 0.) waxy wiaTaes ie date ‘TIONS. | Willoughby eally question. Phe 7 3 oe to | Maid. “ Firrren, a OLD—AND ALL TOLD wHat I THOUGHT oF ’em.” | M2€80s, Lr It be an hotel at Waterfoot dire aS le. ee aoa atest * _ty ot the same as en an as you say. Send telegram there Nex Lv t steamer dropped us | kn nalis h man savs it If I said, * Will asking for lunch for six. If there's no} into the ferry-boat off Lochrie Bay, and iyou be Mrs. Willoughby vould hotel, no reply and no lune! If there | our bicycles, more frightened than hurt, be different ; it would mean is we get ow reply and. our lunch. | but ich shaken, were hurled in afte Yes,” inte rrupted Syl rathe Willoughby can wire, because he learned) us. After five miles on a primitive | bre athlessly, “ that, Tommy d would all about telegrap! sin the arm road we arrived at the hotel very late. | be plain English, to which | « nye Within two hours came the reply | MacFadden, assuring us that if wela plain answer. I should say—— opened it, only kept quiet he would see us through | We had reached the brow of the hill | Will supply luncheon for six, 1.15) in spite of any Scots innkeeper, led the| I mounted my bieyele and hurried on. to-day way , . “Can you remember what your wire The landladv, a dour woman ip “1000 EGGS IN ONE WHISKER.” said Willo ugh iby l asked mildly peared Da Paper. | « Rather ‘Can you provide lun Good morning, Madam,” began Mac] A much worse case than that of Lear's } cheon for six at 1.15.—Willoughby.’” | politely fold man with a beard, who said it was “ Exactly. Can't you see, you silly Willy Mr. Willoughby ?” she| just as he feared. ass, how you 've muffed it? Read this.”’ | replied Willoughby read, while Syl il] «N full | “For all 4 Hele s best oughoy read, while Sylvia and No,” said Mac truthfully, assuming t all we know, Helen i Molly looked over and giggled. puzzled expression on kar as cae ‘die pect ot be ; it al % knows how to make the most of good | Hang it all! I suppose I ought to “ Weel, then,” resumed the lady, ad-|* nts: but. honest, n a do i think she have said to-morrow,” he sighed. “ Here, | dressing Sylvia. who happened to be | should have got the spple?’” oe . ; | Thompson, you and Hilda, as the mar-/ close behi nd, “will you be Mrs. Wil-! } . i mm : ' ried couple of the party, ought to deal 1Certainly not. That's why Paris gave

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PER RET = LT ETT

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

| we ee 4 Paes Ss ne

First Ancient (with morbid fear of growing deaf, breale ong silence), “‘Tuere—ir’s come at Last! Y« BEEN TALKING ALL THIS TIME AND I AIN’T HEARD A SINGLE WORD.” incient. ‘Bain’? BIN TALKIN’—-BIN CHEWIN’,” eran a gee ee a tT mcr neene nn ar ney eRe eee to a mere ae er | yut pepper in the ice-pudding, I could not clearly make out, | OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. el og gues eae gare ye ly ma | Rigi AES’ Sey ut the dreadful fact remained that, let your patriotism be (By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) ever so firm, you had but to accept one of green-powder’s | | Reavy I think that Rhoda Drake (Murray) must be tl ©} little dinners and next morning you were as like as not to | ; most preposterously startling story that I have read fon | hurl a stone into 10, Downing Street. As for the end—! | this age It makes you feel as if you had had a squib But no, I will stop short of it | exploded under your chair at a temperance meeting. After beginning placidly about persons who live in South Ken Frankly, what pleased me most about Affinities (HoppER |

sington (and are so dull that the author has to fill up with} anp Srovenron) was its attractive get-up ; pleasant, cherry- rn towards three-quarters through its decorous course it | pictorial wrapper, the whole, as catuloguers say, forming an plunges you head over ears into such tearing melodrama | ideal birthday present for a young lady, especially one at all as is comparable only to Episode 42 of “ The Adventures | apt to discover, however harmlessly, the aflinities that of the Blinking Eye” at a provincial cinema. I am left} give these five tales their title. As for the stories them- asking myself in bewilderment whether Mr. C. H. DupLey| selves, really all that need be said is to congratulate Mrs. \ ‘ ‘ i , . 1 Warp, D.S.0., M.C., can have been serious in the affair.|] Mary Roperts Rivenart on the ingenuity with which she ” no account, including Rhoda herself. Indeed, nobody | prise in reserve. 1 suppose it is because they come to ooks like mattering at all, and the whole tale has, to be} us from America that certain of the episodes turn upon rank, taken on a somewhat soporific aspect, when lo! incidents in the Suffrage struggle, tale-fodder that our own there enters a lady with a Russian name, no back to her| militant novelists have long happily discarded. Of the gown and green face-powder. If L said of this paragon | others I think I myself would award the palm to one that she made the story bounce I should still do less than | called “The Family Friend,” a genially cynical little comedy justice to her amazing personality. Keally, she was a of encouraged courts! ip, of which the end seems to be herald of revolution, whose remarkable method was to| visible from the beginning, but isn’t. Altogether, what I invite anyone important and obstructive to her house and might call a Canute; in other words a book for the deck- make them discontented. It was the work of half-an-hour.| chair, not too absorbing to endanger your shoes, however Whether the process was hypnotic, or whether she actually | close you read it to the advancing wave. ‘ ] f

| As I say, practically all the early characters are of little|can tell what seems an obvious intrigue yet keep a sur- | | minute descriptions of their drawing-rooms), somewhere |pie-coloured boards, swathed in a very daintily-drawn |

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|

i | j i | i j i } i ] i } oe mene oa oe

| ent that what Mr. C. C. Low1s doesn’t know at first hand | These, mostly taken from the air and of i

220 PU! NC H, “OR THE LONDON CH AR IV AR L Serremper 15, 1920 |

I think I should 5 dese ibe the dezsnain ristic quality | la hate chrontele of names and places U siabhe lly his bak of Four Blind Mice (Lase) as geniality. The scene of it|should be read with great deliber ration, | constant referenes ig Burmah—astonishing, when you consider the host of | to the maps and a lively recollection of personal experiences novels about the rest of India, that so few should employ|on the spot; but the civilian reader may still be content this equall, =a e setting—and it is quickly appar-|to skim the text and save himself for the photographs, exquis site technical about Rangoon is not likely to be missed. The tale itself is quality, form an amazing se ties , in themselves worth the a good-humoured little eomedy of European and native | heavy price. ; And who m inds heavy pric es when itrigue, showing how one section of the pop lace strove | ceeds are pledged to the service of as usual to ease the white man’s burden by flirtation and gossip, and the other to get the best for themselves by u limited roguery and chicane. The whole thing culminates he pro- wounded officers? . » something formance. By of human interest, for many of his pages are little more than | th

a desire to witness sueh a chastenin per- uuld be a sombre man indeed who col uld | no means the least merit of this book is | uf if con‘ains no new theories about education ———

ae Nee Aint asthe

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HOD 1 ret mRnpny Sine —— i cided to have SepremBerR 22, 1920.] PUN( anne CHARIVARIA. ‘Srrike while the iron is hot’ must be the motto,” says a business man Mr. Svinte, on the other hand, that it doesn’t so much matter says about i. 3 } Aad the iron being hot. A curious story reaches us from the Midlands. It appears that it had been to call out certain factory, but the had unfortunately mislaid his notes and| could I remember their deci der | grievance. Mi C B Cocuran has de- | nothing further | to do with the promotion of | | 'H, the workmen in a} strike-leade: it OR THE LONDON CHARI VARI. 221 staff of th re Misistrec of Tran sport tosleep at the office we think, if {t would be more wise, they remained wide awake. | | | | | A feature will he { of the new motor charabane he space for passengers’ lug- igage. This is just what is wanted, as }it so easily gets broken even if the icorks don’t come out \ message from Allahabad states hat the appointment of Mr. Wrsston CHURCHILL as sheng of India would |be very popular, Unfortunately they | omit to say where it would be popular, We feel that ho good can be done by rubbing it in like this. The Daily Mail is doing its best. We understand, by the way, that The Daily Mail has definitely decided not to offer a prize of a hundred pounds for a new world, but to leave the matter entirely in the Mr. Lioyrp GEORGE. hands of The Astronomical Correspondent of The Times suggests that the new sta may have been produced through a sun being struck by a comet ——— the question as to whether suns ought not to carry reat lights. This raises boxin itches owing to the} way in which contracts are} There is some talk of a series contin lly being broken. It | of week-end summers being has since been reported that | arranged for next year. several ur leading profes- | sional b s are endeavouring | [f necessary [ will walk to arrange a farewell dis-|} from John-o'-Groats to Land’s ppo nt End, distributing propaganda literature all the way,” an Mr. Evans, the American | nounced a well-known strike golf el pion, has invented a agitator at a recent conference ne’ ter. We appreciate Personally we do not mind if America’s effort, but all the he does, provided that when same : cannot forget her! he reaches Land's Kind he con ipat ird the League oI tinues to walk in t! Sian vat i direction ' Last week the largest nun \ccording to a wee ly jou he f Alpinists ever assembled inal the vt (ol camouflage met on the top of the Mat | played 1 most important part terhort If this sort of thing lin recent naval warfare. It woes On it 1s quite likely tha | of course quite an open secret t { ill have to be | that the Naval authorities are streng d }aware that one of our largest Dreadnoughts is somewhere 1 Colder weather is promised | & certain English harbou but and se season for Coun }o wing to the excellence of it cilor C1 K should commence jc amouflage, they have not \ i} ‘+ ¢) bye | i heen able to loca x Kais says 7 5 B ‘ oe 11S SEASON ¢ We now learn that it was lorning News, “ goes ‘ a : qiigiastts FERED HIM | merely through an oversight being kidnapped eee Tn : A 6a ____Ithat the pit ponies did ho [ | to be due to the presence Dri is Scotia! d's greatest Sir | 1 ecord their v tes at t s strike ballot t Ar gen o} an enterprising part said a Pr nist speaker at Glas f in curio-hunters g lr} in does not seem | The Journalistic Touch. ogis | ‘Shamming deat wned loudly.” \ ne in a weekly papel ; ! Paper. \\ Charlie Chaplin Tu t (Asked ld have, & OC rt | Our Critic t His feet,” is the nan, taking advantage of Its nig 1 Price, | «©The Seven Dea Fred . yy! \ ull trol p se lr rer ¥. This is a t tha I Roger $ emin guage at Billingsgate | The National Gallery with its th oo RE fitted to expl Oe raent c g to Sir E. BK. Cooprr, is much {| t isand p es is practically price- Sa a “ iat hes bet ts { 4 it used to be. Fish porters | less l I med This aa obably voice,” sco! Pa in i} Say Exeuse me a befo » | recounts ict that the h all pt wrter | j Some people ure ) Ka ting oe a lencth of obsolete | t | mvariabl to umbrellas as} 3 a . © ape ee ‘ Bride in apric Daily Pape : ; A new significance is added to the cal- } Pring [In the event of a miners’ st >| What Lys contem- | culation of one’s fruit stones—* This gements have been made for | porary, is fine weather. | year, next year, some time, never.

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to provide empiovment | dismissed, in deference t« ernment offices j

-UNCH, THE ASHES. A final salutation to the M.C.C. team perish in the event of a coal strike. from one who is destined t O sur that farest forth, a greater Argo, Unto the homeland of the woolly fleece, Soft gales attend thee! may thy precious cargo Slide over oceans smoothed of every crease So as the very flower, or pick, Of England's flanneled chivalry may not be + And thou, O gentle goddess H ygieia, Hover propitious o'er the vessel's poop ; Keep them from chicken-pox and pyorrhcea, Measles and nettle-rash and mumps and croup; See they digest their food and drink, And land them, even as they leave us, in the pink! Thou, too, whose favour they depend so much on (Fortune, I mean) in this precarious game, Oh let there be Or, if a few occur, accept the blame no blob on their escutcheon,

Do not. of course, abuse thy powers We'd have the best side win, but let that side be < rs, } ] . awaits them there while we are wheezing By empty hearths Yet Summer £ through bitter days and black;

we rejoice that, though we die of of freezing And cannot get cremated, all for lack Of coal to feed our funeral pyres, Still “in our ashes ‘yonder’ live their wonted fires THE MINISTRY OF ANCESTRY. As you are aware, Ministry of Ancestry, “ been in existence for a few months the profits have enabled the Government to said a prominent official of the although our depart nent has only take twopence ¢ ff the income-tax and | for t deserving clerks public opinion, from othe housands of Gov- ‘ Yes. into being ? Could vou tell me how this brillant scheme came “ The Chinese knew the credit for its re-discovery must be Cuthbert Shover, to necessary funds Here to Sir ibutions and practised it for centuries, ass igned who, owing to handsome conta

combined, of course, wit meritorious public service during the War, was offered a baronetey. | He refused it for himself, but accepted it for his aged | father, thereby becoming second baronet in three n onths. | He deplored the fact that his grandtsather was no longer | | eligible for the honour. Then we saw light. Why should | the mere accident of death prevent us fron honouring a| man if his family were prepared to contribute towards the | } satesfaction. country’s exchequer But these letters will give you a clearer insight into the working of the department.” The first letter was addressed to Miss Cannon, at Maid- stone. « DRAR MADAM, We have no hesitation in wuivising you to have a bishop in your family. lf, you say, your late maternal grand father was curate of Slowden, and was. aware, a Few purchases give greater “as \ as tar as you are man of exemplary character, we could make him a bishop without delay. Your home being in Kent, it occurs to us that the see of Carlisle would suit the Right « ght Reverend Prelate best The cost < { the proceedings, in cludi if a pre dated Conge ad’ Elave, hundred guineasr An archbishopric would be slightly more expen sive and, in our opinion, less suitable Amazing,” I said. would be eight

OR THE LONDON |to resign all interest in the vessel. | price one thousand, which includes a replica of

22, 1920, from a@ man who We say ‘* Naturally it would have been an advantage fo) CHARIVARI. SEPTEMBER Here is a letter wants to have had forbears in the Navy. “But so simple. : a your son, whom you destine for the Navy, to have had rela. tions in that service. But it is not too late to remedy this defect. ‘ ‘ By virtue of the powers conferred upon us by Aet of Parliament (Ancestry Act, 1922), we are prepared to give your sometime great-great-uncle William, who according to family tradition, always wanted to go to sea, a com- mission in the Navy, and the rank of lieutenant, together with appointment to any ship of the line—with t! e exception of the Victory—which fought under Lord Nretson. The making out the commission will be put in hand on the receipt of your cheque for three hundred guineas,’ ” “ Do you always give satisfaction ?” 7 Occasionally we have to disappoint For pe ple, | instance, this letter to a lady at Plymouth : “*We fear we cannot grant your request to reserve a berth on the Mayflower for your delightful ancestress, Mrs. Patience Loveday. The Mayflower is already overcrowded, and, owing to some ill-feeling raised in America, we decided Should you desire some other form of Puritan distinction how would you like to provide yourself with a non-juring clergyman as an ancestor? Wecould present any suitable departed member of your family to a Crown living, and supply yo order of ejectment, dated the anniversary of St mew’'s Day, 1662.’”’ “Judging from the address on this letter, ‘\. O’Finny, E\sq.,’ your jurisdiction extends to Ireland?” “Yes, Mr, O’Finny wants some persecuted ancestors. We offer to supply him with a member of his family con- demned to be beheaded by order of QuEEN ELIzanerTu, 1 with an Bartholo- the Great Seal of England; or, to have another member shot by order of CromweE.t, at half the price; or a sentence of hanging in ‘98. This would be three hundred only. We wivise him to take the complete set at a reduction, and have no doubt we shall come to terms.” “ Have you anything more expensive?” I asked timidly. “Rather. Here is our unswer to Lord—better not give the name, perhaps; the creation is recent. He wished for a Crusader, but we explained that the Crusades were not under Government. We offer to introduce his family name into our authorised supplement to the Domesday Book for five thousand pounds. | eal! it cheap at the money. Now what can we do for you?” ‘T must think it over,” I stammered. “Do. You will come back. Pair of Colours, now, for a great-great-grandfather. How would that suit you? Only five hundred. Or a place at Court in the Regeney ? Or, if you wish good business connection, a directorship of the East India Company? The whole of the past lies before you. Give your children a fair start in life, that 18 ( | what we say. Money is good, education is better, but distinguished ancestry is best of all.’”’ Stitches in Time. “The breeches on the line between Sini and Jhursagudha have now been repaired,”—Civil and Military Gazette. “The King has given Mr. William Armstrong, Director of ( riminal Intelligence of the Shanghai Municipal Police, authority to wear the Insignia of the Fourth Class of the Order of the Excellent Crop, conferred on him by the President of the Republic of China, recognit Times. We understand that extreme shortness of hair is not the hall-mark of the Chinese criminal world. ion of valuable services.”-

en era

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1s PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 22, 1920 wet . SATS | UNDER A CLOUD (WITH A GOLDEN LINING). | Comrape Lanspury. “THANKS TO MY FAITHFUL BROLSKI NOT A DROP HAS TOUCHED ME.” | [Loud crows from “ Daily Herald” lard.

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KINGS AND QUEENS. THERE are thirty-six of them In | ll, ranging from Wiouta14m I[., who severe.” toVICTORIA, vhois just “oood I first made their acquaintance in child- hood, when my grandmother gave t! me with the lauda ble object of tea ne history Each is a little wooden side there is a portrait she ing the face orso of the collar and u ippei port on mare h in question; on the other sid there is written a single word summi up his whole character By means of these royal blocks I Was | ti brought up to a sound historical sense | based on religion and morality At the age of seven I could and did boast that | knew the innermost souls of all the| : 4 - monarchs of England. I could say thei dates by heart, often doing so durin sermon time on Sundays, with a grace and ease that only lfeiong acquaintance with royalty could have bred I was} even able to triumph through that tricky period between the death of Ep warp IIT. and the accession of Exrza- BETH. I wonder if the late Lord Acroy | was as learned at tl at age: I am sure | if he could not say his dates back vVareds 1 could. It has always surp ised those who have endeavoured to teach me historv | 224 PU NCH, CHARIVARL [SEPTEMBER 92. block signifying a monarch. On one} \t Oxford l once 1 tach tomy work. | |} cookhouse stove), as tutors have subsided into a perma- member save that they we } idiev colour and connected lmen's demobilisation. Or iments I was e pected to ent . the usual details as to re! } iconnwbial felicity, the characte . man ina single word. I at »ishalled my wooden royalties bef n chronologic “al O ‘der and pi OCR deal al with the squadi n in rot 1: , The first name on my list was t ; .| the disciplinary sergeant-ma with a glow of pride that him with Wiiu1aM I. as “ se des enation of Tonks, the Mes (whom We had discovered ¢ j the bomb fell on the aerod) a home and a house o tinctls hap py. lt was perhay tunate that the quartermaster-se jan austere man from Renfrev have found, on perusing his den tion card, that he was to be down to posterity as “ avaric } ] _— gi} was also sorry to fn id the paar } so broad-minded, in a nasty g | about tne character given j man, who was, he assured me, t ; pi us Man in the squadr L Vear ago they came | privs ate life a dissenting m mister ute certainly was on the things inappropriate, but ther sol + er oe a ie aOR Cs

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ee eat + ae re —— Se ea CER eC Y no fault of mune Poor child! he had nee La | pained | coat

|} excelient charac P U} that of | English monarchs should have appeared | when I was pig ge of religion SepTEMBER 22, 19203

oe metriest at the moment the papers of a minister The light that my wooden monarchs |} throw on history is both interesting and } a modern, precious. For in-| stance, the designation of the first] Angevin king as “ patriotic” will su eaders of the Sruspss. ‘“‘ Patriotic” is a wide term and be ipplied to almost anything fron ufter-ciinner fl ig wagging to successful iugeling with Colonial stocks and shares A ae vet there are few who would scribed it as the besetting virtue of Hexrey I. But it was; his little block VS 80 Joun, again, was “mean.” Tam sorry ins

some cpt Dbiame Sreei ible tr: late Bishop | His views o7 ty of his baron- we are most entertaining. He some g of a wit, a good judge of food und wine, and would have made an ex- } cellent Fellow of an Oxford ¢ lege itis muc! regretted that he w s meal P a. VI. is “silly.” This is 2 hard judgment on san e pioneer of the \ ent ainst low back neve go frocks, bu ou ess he was sil! er t gs » ym wehs nad the mos ters Epwarp I. was just,” GEORGE LY.“ wose a pity that they did live long enough to display then Epwarp VI. was “ amiable \DWARD V., l like all with expect ms from their ] “] F uncie, Was * hopetul ! eed. TO he at CHARLES i]

Was “dissolute.” It was what Henry VIII. dissolved the monasteries being—the impertinent old poly : p ent oi p TA for my part I love CHarues for t affection that he bore little dogs, fo the chance saying on Sussex Is this England was a country well 1 hghting for. Alas! that he si uid have peen dl issolt ite. Be st of He is all my friet portraved with a jolly red ’ * +] } } . a. —— ind & mouth that positively yawns tor] pudding. His character, which is his chiel glory, is “ benevolent.” Who : : would not rejoice to have been the ob- ject of his regal philanthropy? Samcen JouNso himself did not hesitate to ac- cept the bounty of this kindly monarch, ugh, while his predecessor reigned, he great lexicographer had defined a “oor as “a hireling’’ paid ‘tor treason to his country Such are my friends the kings and queens of England. Happy state the child "OLIVER | spirit. ids is GEORGI LIL. | NCH,

oR THE

LONDON CHARIVARI. oe a5

The Super-Tramp. “ MabaM, IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE OF THAT I YOU GAVE ME HIS MORNING I SHOULD BE PLEASED TO PAY FOR IT.” who has sue! jesty to be his guardian Seiad the Channel I w wuld range ‘ ae nal Beas “+l, death a trys ing-piace With vulgar democra

To him li wil be a po! i the child for whom I land — up their sw re

”

A HOME FROM (An ictual HOME. incident.) 1 My fancy sought no English field, np, where cy can have no part, ana old comrades is What time my holiday drew near ; [ felt no fond desire to wield The shrimping net of yesteryear ; I found it easy to eschew All wish to hear a pierrot stating His lust to learn the rendezvous Of flies engaged in hibernating.

(I called it “ cross the: And pling nen there achieve ie thorou change Demanded by mv It might be that an a Would jog a failing inspiration, Suck up a bard and render rhyme Less difficult of excavation. A thorough change Foredoomed to fail ere half begun ! Though left England pressed In hot seep ek London was br: behind, my of me, her son; ught again to view By hordes of He et. out for pillage, When from the train I stepped into A flag day in an Alpine village Ah, barren quest,

.

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226 _PU! NCH, oR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [SEPTEMBER 22, 199%

} | i olin aining from doing anything so de- WIRE AND BARBED WIRE. | cisive as to call the girltoorder. Their BETWEEN: TWO STOOLS. THis was the telegram that, after | game is to be plastic under the fingers| [Dedicated to those high-minded and dis. much hesitation. I had written out at | of chance; the faintest breath of dubiety | P@5s!0nate leader-writers who, after pre facing . i, ra sig doe aan ™ “Yep omeae: a, their remarks with the declaration the side desk in the post-office and|cansway them. I had been in so many | pola no brief for—" extreme views of all con. carried to the main desk to despatch :— | minds about this thirty pound bet, which | proceed to show that the conduct ‘ that “ we of the ex-

Pactolus. London. I could not really afford, that there was tremust Is invariat ly explained, if not tified, St. Vitus carburetter stammer tyre scream | therefore nothing for it, after waiting |” the iniquities of the Coalition Government, } | | Sanguine. ithe two minutes that seemed to be I Ho“D no brief for Lexi You will obse arve t that it is unintellig- | ten, | ; to tear up the message, in the | Or Trotsky or their breed : ible. Decoded, it meant that I, whose | belief tl at the friendly gods again had | Their way of doing men in betting pseudonym is Sanguine, wished | intervened. For luck is as much an Is foreign to my creed to invest with Messrs. Lure, commis- affair of refraining as of rushing in | But, since to me Lioyp Gror GE is sion agents (not bookmakers, no, not} I therefore withdrew quietly from | A source of deeper dread, for a moment), whose telegraphic ad-|the conversation and scattered the | kor Bolshevistie orgies dress is “ Pactolus, London,” asum of ten j little bits on the loor as I did so. But} A great deal may be said pounds (carburetter) on a horse called | I did not leave the office. Instead, I ftckte brief for mh land 1 St. Vitus to win (stammer), and twenty | went to the side desk again and wrote pounds (tyre) for a place (scream). I | another telegram, which, with the neces had done this for various reasons, non¢ really good, but chiefly because every paper that I had opened had urged me |were still talking. My second tele ‘ i That tramples on its ki My heart once bled for Poland And groaned for Russia’ But, if to clear the t: WINSTON is given his feel that General WraxGel Were better downed and dead ’ } i: } sary money (an awtul 1ot), ] pushed LS SII

through the grating, where the girls

to do so, some even going so far as to| gram had no reference to horses—I dangle a double before me with St. Vitus | had done with gambling for the day 1s one of the horses. Nearly all had | but ran thus described St. Vitus as a nap, setting | P 1 hold no brief I sweat

ste ren s', Londo! the name not only in capitals but} Suggest you remind telegraph clerk on duty | lor militant Sinn Fei: vith a faithful asterisk beside it. lat this hour at this post-office that she per- | I really cannot bear it a De tole a elias f " ] out Herne Rav | cETt Having an account with Messrs. Lure | 24) CAIkS & 80 by ree egg , ; H ~ ae } When constables are s] und a liking now and then to indulge |“ °° *" Pee. oe But if you mention Carson f | i } ine (An i } ‘na i n a little flutter over a gee (Lam choos-| The girl, having ceased her chatier, | I feel that for the spr ing my words very carefully) I had | took the telegram and began feverishly | Of murder and of ars decided, after weighing the claims of | 2 count the words Phen he tapping | \ good deal can be s all the other runners, to take the advice | pene | slowed down and her brows con r} ‘ m "ee" . ‘See . | a i aantenlatk | I hold no brief Tol OMI I of the majority and back the favourite, | acted; she was assimilating thei 0 , : . ° ; : t ’ r for e miners’ cl although favourites acclaimed with stri-| meaning. Then, with a blush, and a iz ene mn ae ' ) » 1K highly dency by the racing expe ts oft the Press | ver) beco ng one, she looked at me 0 epee aoe mae * Peat ~~ Far? ‘ : e304. } , YY many ol l ys in unison have, I knew, a way of fail- | With an expression of distress and said p a. [ ne WW ° . . i ; . ay ut wnen " 1e a Ing In betting on races, however, | ‘Do vou really want this to go? ” : - SE Sua Dan: Fee ae ey, 7 The nature of those who have little | we pounds, for St. Vitus was un- | Our Decadent Poets. itters 7AES “ON " “he ordin. | ced ] c cto st therefore r . , . flutters on gees 18 cK mplex. The ordin- placed ius story niust tl refore re- | Extract from an Indian's petition: ary man, having written out his tele- | main without a moral. E.V.L. | ie 1a fatl ol : : . j i ee to | kK ait my id fathe | gram, on whatever subject it may be ——SS Ik kly 1 and is ¢ } whether it announces that he will} Notice in a Shop Window. | verse every da arrive before lunch and bring his clubs | “ Hats made to order, or revenerated.” . i " . . . - | “ge f 1 My i 1 Bb £ with him, o1 that, having umportant| Ah! that’s what’s wanted so badly} Ly ellber AP vigua [r, Kame fi havi . . é . : . 5 , 1 . ‘ 5 it I . ao With Aly ‘ sus business to detain him at the office, he | to-day for the headgear of the Highe: | he took plains to report it to his ¢ will not be home to dinner—gets it | Clergy | ant."-Deile Paser. | through as s t ossible > Mav | } wes i P t rough as SOON as = sible. He may | ay, be delayed by the telegraph girl S$ de- | been invited to become a member of the M.C.( tachment, but he would not be deterred. | te: hich leaves for Australia on Saturday. “A privately owned acroplau fly ing frou He would still send the telegram. But A fine all-round cricketer, Jupp is a useful} London to the Isle of Wight, descend a . —. 7 man to al te 1, but as he usu vy field Geld ear € 1 seven } ort i | those who bet are different. They are |. y team, but as he usually fields} field near Carnforth, seven miles nord | . en8 ‘ Brass cover-point his inclusion would not necessarily | Morecambe Bay The pro] Lif was Droge minutely sensitive to outside occur é] , pag “ny peat tie ka y ee cal tlema | a 1 Rakhee cur-} improve the side in its weakest point—viz,,| but the occupants, a lady and a genuiema rences ; always seeking signs and in- | the lack of cilfields,”—Daily Paper. escaped with a shaking.” -- Daily Pape terpreting them as favourable or un- Surely the fewer the better, if that ’s} The real shock came when the} found i favourable as the case may be; and | where the butter-fingers come from. out where they were.

AP RS PD

ANI Ais NS ee

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AEE MRED 4 Aan nine Tae —__——— SerpTEMBER 22, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 227 THE PRESS PHOTOGRAPH. | if fs Ly Z Fe 4 ' Jeg £50 k } i GETS HIs— PHOTO TAKEN FOR THE PAPERS TO ' } as ' } | | | | | | | ' | | | | | i | | } | | | | | u i BY INTRUDING A BALL AT THX CRUCIAL MOMENT,

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il |

THE LONDON CHAR ;

THE HANDY MAN. Tue men I most admire at the pre- sent time, though I take care not to tell them so to their faces, are the men who can do everything $y this I don’t mean people of huge intellectual attain- ments, like Cabinet Ministers, or tre- mendous physical powers, like Tarzan | of the Apes. It must be very nice to | be able to have a monst- to-heart talk Bs KRASSIN or to write articles for

the Sunday picture papers, and very nice also to swing rapidly through the tree-tops, say, in Eaton Square; but none of these gifts is much help when the door-handle comes off. I hate that sort of thing to happen in a house. 928 P U Ne H, OR

was one of specialisa tion based upon peace | and plenty, one simply sent for a door-handle | replacer and he put it right. But nowadays | | the Door - handle Re- | placers’ Union is ne bably affiliated to an a } amalgamation which is | | | : cus y F 1 » | discussing sympathetic ; action with somebody | who is striking, so no- | thing is done. This! means that for weeks | and weeks, whenever | one tries to go out of | the room, there is a loud | crash like a 9:2 on the | further side and a large blunt dagger clutched | melodramatically in the | right hand, and nobody | to murder with it.

The man who can do | everything | of man who can mend is the kind | | | | In the Victorian age, of course, which Mother { fir mly, to little daualter abou iy you cry, I'LL NEVER TAKE YOU TO A DENTIST'S AGAIN.” door, ‘and he came in and pointed this |t out. “It is not much use having elec- | f tric-bells,” he said, “that don't ring.” | I might have argued this point. [jt might have said that to press the button | | of a bell that time to reflect on whether one really }1 wants the thing one rang for, ard

does not ring gives one |< thereafter on the whole vanity of human || | and put together a large bookcase wl VARI. ang [SEPTEMBER 5 22, 1920,

e kitchen were blunt a went ind etched some kind of private grindstone | and sharpened them, and then told me | hat the apple-trees ought yanded, to be grease- which I thought was 4 thing | me only did to engines. And, ; when he | 1ad brought a hammer and some nails | vad collapsed as soon as The Outline of wishes, and so inculcates patience and | History was put 2 to it (I should like | i self-discipline. It is quite possible that it an Eastern yogi might spend many je years of beneficial calm pressing the | to buttons of bells that do not ring. But | I replied rather weakly, “ No, pose not “Til he said cheerily, ;o0n put that right for you,’ and about five minutes

later he asked me to p! ess one of the ‘

vf } , / should see him and [ sup- | for fear of the dilution of labow to have a tooth drawn), “ o know whether Canon sARNES can | xplain that), | was mere to ask } stop, in case the tramping men | strike lmnmed

But what impressed me most was | the part he took next day in the Rail way Carriage Conference, which curi yusly enough was on the subject of : | strikes There were 7 | several people n the carriage, and they were talking about W t they | had aone dul 0 the | railway strike last year, land what they would do if such at g hap pened again. I said ] should like to be a | station-master if poss ible, because they had | top-l vats and gre sucl | bear itiful ten : Only four or five trains seem to stop at ou station during the da nd there was a strike I suppose the number would be reduced to one or two And | thought it l be rather nice t spel the day wear top : hat and watering the ‘ow, Bert? nasturtiums in the little rock - gardens behind

' | a thing like a broken door-handle as | soon as look at it. He always knows which of the funny things you push or | pull on any kind of machine to make it | go or stop, and what is wrong with the cistern and the drawing-room clock. Such a man came into my house the other day. I call it my house, but it really seems to belong to a number of large people who walk in and out and shift packing-cases and splash paint and tramp heavily into the bathroom about 8.30 a.m. when I am trying to get off to sleep. They have also dug a large moat right through the lawn and the garden-path, which rather spoils the hum ance of these places, though it is nice to be able to pull up the draw- bridge at night and feel that one is safe from burglars. Anyhow, whether it is my house or theirs, the fact remains that the electric-bells were wrong. The man of whom I am jepeaking lives next-

buttons, and there was a loud tinkling | noise It seemed a pity that at the moment when the bell did happen to| ring there should be nobody to come and answer it. ; “Whatever did you do to asked “Tt only needed a little water,’ he said, and | had hard work to suppress | my admiration. The very morning before, feeling that I ought to take a hand in all this practical work that was going on about the place, I had filled a large watering-can that I found lying | about and wetted some things which someone had stuck into the garden, I have a kind of idea that they were carrots, but they may have been maiden- hair ferns. Somehow it had never occurred to me for a moment to go and water the electric bells Almost immediately afterwards this them?” J

man discovered that all the knives in the platform Watering, I said, was | quite easy when once one got into the swing of it But the man who could do everything seemed to know everything too, and he told me that station-masters were much too noble to strike. There were two | kinds of station-masters, he said, both wearing top hats, but one kind with full morning-dress underneath it and | the other with uniform. But neither kind struck. | Slightly nettled at his superior know- ledge, I asked him, “ What did you do during the Great Strike ?”’ “Oh, I had rather fun,” “TI controlled the signals at London Bridge.”’ If all the truth were known I expect that he is quite ready for Mr. SMILLIE Ss | strike; that he has a handy little pick in his bedroom and knows of rather 4 jolly little coal-mine close by. Evor —— | he sald;

eT argv —————

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z ro * 4 ° 2 5 SRE Se mense Te EYE en PO Se iA A, eRe —— | LOWERS NAMES. Foou’s PARSLEY In the village of Picking’s Pool Lived Theobald, the village foo! He had been simple from his b | But kindly as the simple eart! And in his heart he sang a son ve M: ry re all day loi f ~ lO; Ci woul Friday the people cai | Tol ul erood of Christ His T scattered flowers and | iInoss Aho it th And, when they knelt and pray vailed. Theobald saw the Mother, veile And bowed in a mother’s agon, a , Said he. lo find a solace for M ARY'S pair All the flowers were plucked a And Theobald wreathed it Pratt ul Se ‘It mourns like her,” said tl Mimwae Wise, When Holy Sat urday morning Back to the shrine went the vi ilag 6 foot of the humble cre he suffers more than the Cl ve a little dull Parsley, sere an: SEPTEMBER 22, 1920) PU NCI The hald seare hed the the lds and lanes Ss broke » folk 3s _OR ‘THE LONDON N_CHARIVARL 7 nut Y 0 WOULD WALK PROPERLY." nd lo! on the weeping Mother’ 5 ig weees aplet of flowers was gle aming now Theobald smiled secretly think he had soothed her agony. Ciiee Fool's Parsley : flowered amongst re HEADGEAR FOR HEROES. \ tem porar : heard of the hat ially designed f Mi. CLemencrav, has | decided that the | ler, the pper, the Hom , the ra Live loth « - and alt other he t present m or less in vogue leave much to be desired, and has therefore inaugu- ited a search for the ideal male headdress, } THe SMivun \ Phrygian model, l executed in red Russia leather. Special ‘features are the asbestos lining, the steam vents and the water-jacket, which combine to minimise the natural heat f the head. Embellished with an her- lald e cock’s-comb giles, it is a striking once ption. Tur Premier.—A semi-Tyrolean type in resilient chamois, which can be 'veadily converted to any desired shape, vith or without extra stiffening Its acs daptabiity a and the patent sound-proof iv-flaps make it particu larly suitable Ifo r travellers. Detachable edelweiss land leek trimming i | } } ‘ee Lin \n | cap of maintenance it material, warranted pre ssure of abnorm rai eve since ‘I eobald crowned his |} wad of the weare proof. Tue Wixi \ special elastic not to burst unde ul expansion of the Practically fool fore-and-aft derived from a Fre neh model of the Kirst kon pire period, the se . } ; verity of which is mitigated by the addition of little bells A novelty is the mouthpiece in the crown, which enables the hat to be used as a Inegapl elastic loop bh position. The why head several sizes t iis Tue Conan \ hive shape. Me diversity of shades garee of goblin blue one at need. An a tountain pen in ile to be worn on a 0 big for it. straw bonnet of be dium weight.. In a The special pug- material is designed to protect the wearer from moonstroke without obscuring the vision. Tur Warnen.— An easy-fitting crown carried out in harl lequin flan nel sur: mounts a full brim of restful willow- green. Fp ged laurel and St. John ated with the tail with intertwined s-Wort, and decor- eatinet of a Surrey fowl, it makes a comfortable and dis- tinguished headdress for a middle-aged , gentieman.

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230 PUNCH, OR THE Teacher. “Axd RUTH WALKED BEHIND THE REAPERS, PICKIN John (very virtuousiy). “ Presents.” A SHIP IN A BOTTLE. Ln a sailormen’s restaurant Rotherhithe way, Where the din of the docksides is loud all the day, And the breezes come bringing off basin and pond And all the piled acres of lumber beyond From the Oregon ranges the tang of the pine And the breath of the Baltic as bracing as wine, Ina fly-spotted window I there did behold, Among the stale odours of hot food and cold, A ship in a bottle some sailor had made In watches below, swinging South with the Trade, When the fellows were patching old dungaree suits, Or mending up oilskins and leaky seaboots, Or whittling a model or painting a chest, Or.yarning and smoking and watching the rest. In fancy I saw him all weathered and browned, Deep crows'-feet and wrinkles his eyelids around ; A pipe in the teeth that seemed little the worse For Liverpool pantiles and stringy salt-horse ; The hairy forearm with its gaudy tattoo Of a bold-looking female in scarlet and blue: The fingers all roughened and toughened and scarred, With hauling and hoisting so calloused and hard So crooked and stiff you would wonder that still They could handle with cunning and fashion with skill The tiny full-rigger predestined to ride To its cable of thread on its green-painted tide In its wine-bottle world, while the old world went on And the sailor who made it was long ago gone And still as he worked at the toy on his knee He would spin his old yarns of the ships and the sea Thermopylae, Lightning, Lothair and Red Jacket, With many another such famous old packet, LONDON CHARIVARI, — (Serresmer 22, 1920, | — UP THE CORN THAT THEY Lert, JOHN, WHAT PO WE CALL THAT?” | | i | | } And many a bueko and dare-devil skipper In Liverpool blood-boat or Colonies’ clipper The sail that they carried aboard the Black Ba Their skysails and stunsails and ringtail and all (nd storms that they weathered and races they won (nd records they broke in the d Lys that are done Or sometimes he ‘d sing you some droning old song Some old sailors’ ditty both mournful and long, With queer little curlyeues, twiddles and quay: Of smugglers and privateers, pirates and slavers “The brave female smuggler,” the “ packet of fame That sails from New York and the Dreadnought’s he name,” (nd “all on the coast of the High Barbaree,” And “the flash girls of London was the downfall of In faney I listened, in fancy could hear The thrum of the shrouds and the creak of the gear, The patter of reef-points on topsails a-shiver, The song of the jibs when they tauten and quiver, The ery of the frigate-bird following after, The bow-wave that broke with a gurgle like laughte And I looked on my youth with its pleasure and pain, And the shipmate | loved was beside me again In a ship in a bottle a-sailing away In the flying-fish weather through rainbows of spray, Over oceans of wonder by headlands of gleam, To the h urbours of Youth on the wind ota dren I C. F.5 “Hriaw Commissioner Pays Cavs. Jerusalem, August 27.—The High Commissioner visited sLerday afternoon the tomb of Abraham, Sarah, Rebecca, Isaac, Jaco und Leah in the Cave of Makpéla at Hebron.”— Kgyplian Maul. No flowers, by request

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1920 22 LONDON GHARIVARI.—Sepremper OR THE SE mee Se eee. an 2S = ~—-mee wate eae ieee a GREAT REPUDIATION. THE “ HERE, DON'T THE WHOLE SHOW. YOU SPOLL "LL OR YOI TRICK.” IT, HOP NEXT MILLIE. ON Mr COME MY TLL iL

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1a IN SRR ——*€ Sepremper 22, 1920.] PUNC M.F.H A “WHY THE DEUCE AREN'T ¥¢ KATIN’,” THE BEN AND THE BOOT, WuirHer in these littered and over- crowded should flee to escape the spectacle of outworn and discarded hoots? I should go to a mountain-top and amongst mountain- tops I should choose the highest. I should scale the summit of Ben Nevis. Yet it is but a few days since I saw on that proud eminence the unmistak- able remains of an ordinary walking boot. islands one It reposed on the perilous edge of a snowdrift that even in summer curves giddily over the lip of the dreadful gulf over which the eastern precipice beetles. There is ever a certain pathos about discarded articles of apparel: a baby's outgrown shoe, a girl’s forgotten glove, an abandoned bowler ; but the situation of this boot, thus high uplifted towards the eternal stars, gave to it a mystery, & grandeur, a sublimity that held me long in contemplation. How came it there ? The path that winds up that grey mountain is rough; its harsh stones and remorseless gradients take toll of leather as of flesh. a Yet half a sole and 1U WITH HOUNDS? a sound upper are better than no boot, and what climber but would postpone till after his descent the discarding of his damaged footgear ? Could it be, 1 asked myself, the relic and evidence of an inhuman crime? Was it possible that some party of climbers, arriving at the top lunchless and desperately hungry, had sacrificed their plumpest, disposing of his clothes over the cliff, but failing to hole out with this tell-tale boot ? Sut no, I bethought me of the price of leather. They would have reserved the boots, even at the risk of suspicion. Moreover, no one would ever reach that exacting altitude in a state of succulence. A glow of sympathy, a thrill of ap- preciation swept through me as I real- ised what was at once the worthiest and the likeliest explanation. Who shall plumb the depths of the affection of a true pedestrian for his boots, the companions and comfort of so many a pilgrimage? Who but the climber, the hill-tramp, knows the pang of regret with which he faces at last the truth that his favourite boots are past repair, the sorrow and self-re- H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | LHEY'RE IN THE NEXT PARISH BY THIS.” New Whip (rib-roasting very bad cub-hunter), “'TAtN’? BAPE TO GO NEAR 'EM WITH THIS 'ORSH; THEY MIGHT THINK 'E WAR YOR | proach with which he permits them to be consigned to Erebus ? I saw it all. As the Roman veteran | hung upon the temple wall of Mars the arms he might no longer wield, so hither came some lofty-minded climber, bearing in devoted hands his outworn and faithful boot, to leave it sadly and with reverence in this most worthy resting-place, here to repose at the end of all the roads it had trod, on the highest of all the native hills it had climbed, W. K. H, Another Impending Apology. “Mr, Roberts, Member of Parliament, has arrived, Mr. Roberts is a tall and well-built gentleman with a posing appearance,” Mysore Patriot, “Families supplied in 18, 12 or 6 gallon casks.” —~ Her ford brewer's notice, Where 's your DioGenes now ? “The dinner was in the House of Commons, and I sat next to Henry. 1 was tremendously impressed by his conversation and hia clean Cromwellian face,” From a famous autobiography. It was, we trust, the Cromwenn touch rather than the cleanness that was go | impressive.

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1 noe FSP RIN HP ieee RESO score 6 — Serremper 22, 1920.] ty, vA Ly, Dee Pad a y 7) 4, a f Ei? | P , M.F. H. “Wuy vue pevuce aren’r x THE BEN AND THE BOOT. WHITHER in these littered and over- crowded islands should one flee to escape the spectacle of outworn and discarded boots? I should go to a mountain-top and amongst mountain- tops I should choose the highest. I should scale the summit of Ben Nevis. Yet it is but a few days since I saw on that proud eminence the unmistak- able remains of an ordinary walking boot. if It reposed on the perilous edge of a snowdrift that even in summer curves giddily over the lip of the dreadful gulf over which the eastern precipice beetles. There is ever a certain pathos about discarded articles of apparel: a baby’s outgrown shoe, a girl’s forgotten glove, an abandoned bowler ; but the situation of this boot, thus high uplifted towards the eternal stars, gave to it a mystery, a grandeur, a sublimity that held me long in contemplation. How came it there ? The path that winds up that grey mountain is rough; its harsh stones ind remorseless gradients take toll of leather as of flesh. Yet half a sole and PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 4; tps, py 5) as : tps Mi i Vt LY ag 00 ay 2 ‘ 434 ' wr, 2 74 ‘ A 4 ‘ / x 7" Vin) Y / “WA A ; F ra t/, j / : t 1U WITH HOUNDS? ‘luEY'RE d IN THE NEXT PARISH BY New Whip (rib-roasting very bad cub-hunter). “'TAIN’? SAFE TO GO NEAR 'EM WITH THIS 'ORSE; THEY MIGHT THINK "E me Pe Gay ee a . ‘ / / “ f { hy) / ~ SK a ‘ty ¢ Pome / -_ ii Vv/q % oan mo UR, © . rHis.” a sound upper are better than no boot, and what climber but would postpone till after his descent the discarding of his damaged footgear ? Could it be, I asked myself, the relic and evidence of an inhuman crime? Was it possible that some party of climbers, arriving at the top lunchless and desperately hungry, had sacrificed their plumpest, disposing of his clothes over the cliff, but failing to hole out with this tell-tale boot ? But no, I bethought me of the price of leather. They would have reserved the boots, even at the risk of suspicion. Moreover, no one would eyer reach that exacting altitude in a state of succulence. A glow of sympathy, a thrill of ap- preciation swept through me as I real- ised what was at once the worthiest and the likeliest explanation. Who shall plumb the depths of the affection of a true pedestrian for his boots, the companions and comfort of so many a pilgrimage? Who but the climber, the hill-tramp, knows the pang of regret with which he faces at last the truth that his favourite boots are past repair, the sorrow and self-re- , be consigned to Erebus‘ I saw it all. As the Roman veteran hung upon the temple wall of Mars the arms he might no longer wield, so hither came some lofty-minded climber, bearing in devoted hands his outworn and faithful boot, to leave it sadly and with reverence in this most worthy resting-place, here to repose at the end of all the roads it had trod, on the highest of all the native hills it had climbed, W. K. H. Another Impending Apology. “Mr, Roberts, Member of Parliament, has arrived. Mr. Roberts is a tall and well-built gentleman with a posing appearance.” Mysore Patriot, “Families supplied in 18, 12 or 6 gallon casks," —IHer tford brewer's notice. Where 's your DioGenes now ? * The dinner was in the House of Commons, | and I sat next to Henry, I was tremendously impressed by his conversation and his clean Cromwellian face.” From a famous autobiography. It was, we trust, the Cromwenn touch | rather than the cleanness that was so impressive.

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a 234 _PUNCH, oR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ((Serreuen 22, 1920 + | : | f | 3 | ‘ t | : E } | } | | } ’ ' | , | | cunt Gardeier (tho has JUST Oeen | ee \ \LAISTER Hi HLA i Employer, “ Waar’s THar, Joun?” A. G. “WA, SITHEE, THA'S GI'EN MA ONE TA MONY, | f | Kimployer, “ You'Re Very HONEST, JOuN 1. G, “Ween, PHA SERS | THOAT Iv MID ‘A’ BIN A TRAS | He is extremely sw and slim, | | | WEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. [400 yo de MY RIGHT-HAND MAN. | THe Earwic. He scuttles up the path; ON glancing the other day through i How odd it is that our Papas He goes and burrows in your sponge | the only human column of my news: | ; Keep taking us to cinemas, } And takes one wild terrific plunge | paper—that headed “ Personal’ —I was | But still expect the sume old scares, | When you are in the bath jmuch intrigued by the advertisement } The tiger-cats, the woolly bears Or else—and this is simply foul— | of a gentleman who styled himself a The lions on the nursery stairs He gets into a nice hot towel | busy commercial magnate,” and who To frighten as of old ! \nd waits till you are dried |i announced his urgent need of a “right | i Considering everybody knows And ther when Nanny does your |hand man.” The duties of the post | | A girl can throttle one of those ea : i we ve not partie wularised, but their im While choking with the other hand | He wrrrqyles in and disappen | ports ance was made clear by the state- | ' | The captain ola robber band le tay in there for vears and ven) | ment th: uf ‘any solary ' within reason © | They leave one pretty cold. And errrawls about inside } would be paid to a really suitable person, | 1 The lion has no status now; ° At last, if you are still alive. | No, I dil not think of applying for | | ¢ Ine has one’s terrors, I'll allow, \ lot of baby ones arrive [the post myself; a twelve months’ The centipede, perhaps the cow But probably you ve died. ladjutancy to a dyspeptic Colonel had | But nothing in the Zoo; | i jk ne cured me of the desire to bottle- | The things that wriggle, yump ¢« | How inconvenient it must be! wash for anvone again, howevel lavish | crawl Chere isn't any Wav, you see ithe renvuneration, arn | thought to The things that climb about the wall, | To get him out again ; | mny self, it must evidently be a profitable | And I know what is Worst of all | 5e, when you want to frighten me |notion to employ a right-hand man, or | It is the earwig-— wyh! Or veally give me pain, why should this magni ie person be so Please don't go on about that bea: bs The earwig's face is far from kind | And all those He must have got a spiteful mind; Ts The pincers which he wears behind Are poisonous, of course : airy on the subject of salary? Would it not then pay me to engage somebody in & Similar capacity ? lon reased pro- duction, in spite of ‘Trade Union econo- burs al irs On the sta } iouldn’'t turn a tiny hain At such Victorian stuff : You only have to say instead, % mies, is emphatically a need of the And Nanny knew a dreadful one ‘THERE Is AN BARWIG IN your BEep moment. With a right-hand man a H Which bit a gentleman for fun And that will be enough, . my right hand when he wasnt at And terrified a } orse : t ! A. P. H my left) 1 could, I felt sure, increase

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1 PP gama? 1920. ] Sepremper 22, my own output enormously; and | began to plan out my daily work under the reconstruction scheme, I will call him “Snaggs"’; that will save me the trouble of having to write “my right-hand man” every time | want to refer to him; but when he enters my such economy of labour will not, of course, be necessary. service Snaggs, then, will arrive punctually at nine every morning—no, on second thoughts he will sleep in, in case an inspiration that needs recording arrives after I have gone to bed. (1 shrink from estimating how much wealth | have lost through going to sleep on my nocturnal inspirations, which the most | thorough search next morning never | avails to recapture; but a speaking: | | tube, with alarm attachment, running | | form us, | uished physician advocates the use of tomato-sauce as a hair-restorer. | fast, | reckon, Snaggs will have found me subjects for at least a dozen effu- | skeleton suggestions for the treatment into Snaggs’s room will alter all that.) His first duty of the day will be to | | wade through all the newspapers and | cut out any paragraphs that may serve as pogs for an article or a set of verses. My own difficulty in this respect has always been that I can never manage to get through more than one paper in a} working morning, and not all of that | | invariably my attention gets caught by some long and instructive but (for my | purposes) hopelessly unsuggestive dis- | sertation on Pedigree Pigs or The Co- | operative Movement in Lower Papua, and I consequently overlook many of those inspiring little “ stories’ that in- for example, that a disting By the time I have finished break- sions, neatly arranged with a few ofeach. I shall first decide which are to be handled in prose and whieh in ‘ | verse, and in the case of the latter shall | jot down a few words and phrases that | 1 . ; | will oby iously have to be dragged in as | line-endings. ‘Then | shall put Snaggs on to the purely mechanical drudgery of finding all the possible rhymes to these words (e.y., fascinate, assassinate, pro-Krassinate—you know the sort of thing that’s called for), and by the time he has catalogued them all | shall have dashed off most of the prose articles, which Snaggs will then pro ceed to type while | am engaged in the comparatively simple La sk of piec In this way | should easily be able to earn an ordinary week's takings in a morning. The next task will ke the placing of ing together the verse jigsaws. this material, and that is how Snaggs's alternoons will be spent. 1 have always had an unnecessarily tender feeling for editors, and often, alter laboriously giv- ing birth to an article, have concealed Mum, 1 ask YER AT ‘IS OWN GAMI PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHARIVARI, THE PHILANTHROPIST. VE PUT YOUR VRICER UP At VY ELS AJ LTO 1 ii iit, VROFPTIBRER a en —— | it in a drawer rather than run the risk} so far had the courage to moot. But | ° ‘ . | , . . . . j of boring anyone with its perusal,|that, ] am afraid, Would inspire him | Snagys, however, will be fashioned of with foolish doubts as to the stability | more pachydermatous material and will} of his princely salary daily make himself such a nuisance that} be best i, they ‘ll give him an order, and possibly a long contract, to pet rid of him. a@ proper system of hook keeping he;and enlarging the business and good- will also save me from the occasional | will of the private enterprise known as blunder of sending the same article to the same paper twice. My wife, to whom I have submitted | issued to guarantee Snagys at least his this brain-wave, says that the first job | first year's to employ Snaggs on will be calling on position should be practically gilt-edged. the Bank Manager to arrange about|So who the overdraft which neither of us has! basement floor | By | company, “ for the purpos | | Perhaps it will | before actually engaging Snaggs, | convert inveelf into a limited ‘of acquiring Percival Trumpington-Jones, Esq.” A uflicient will ‘ ' number of shares be ' crew ; that cone, the pro- coming in on the bargain

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART,. [SepremBer 22, 1990, AT THE PLAY. “Tre Datsy.” I miacine that the authors who founded this play on a Hungarian orig- inal regarded it as an ambitious piece of work. If so, they were right in the sense that they have attempted some- thing very much beyond their powers. In the view of the gentleman who ad- dressed us at the fall of the curtain (1 understand that he was one of the authors) it offered magnificent oppor- tunities (I think “ magnificent ’’ was the word) for the brilliant gifts of two of the actors. Certainly it covered a good bit of ground, what with this world and the next; for it started with roundabouts on the Heath, and got as far away as the Judgment Day (Hun- garian style?)—and fourteen years after. I may have a contemptibly weak stomach for this kind of thing, but I confess that I don’t care much for a representation of the Judgment Day in a melodrama of low life. Of course low life has just as much right as any other sort of life to be represented in a Judgment Day scene; but it ought to behave itself there and not introduce back-chat. Suicide Court, and that the object of The Magister, as the Presiding Judge was named in the programme, was to inquire into the record of the delin- quent and, if his answers were satisfac- tory, to allow him to revisit the scenes of his earthly life in order to repair any little omissions that he might have made in the hurry of departure. Un- fortunately the leading case was a bad I should explain that it was a special | she had not felt anything. This I sup- pose was the author's way, ingenuous enough, of reminding us that it was a case of spirit and not of flesh, what- ever our eyes and ears might persuade us to think of it. Already in a previous scene there had been the same old difficulty. While the man lay dead on his bed his spirit had been summoned by a Higher Power (indicated in a peep-show), and his corpse sat up, displacing the prostrate form of the widow, who had to take up a new position, without however ap- pearing to notice anything. It was still sitting up when the curtain fell, example of suicide. It had not been deliberate; he had simply killed him- self impromptu in a tight corner to avoid arrest for intended murder. Worse still, when he returned to earth after a lapse of fourteen years’ purgatory (between the sixth and rotten one and he had shown no signs of penitence, the revenant made very poor use of hishour. Returning to his wife she had taught their girl-child to regard him as a paragon of virtue, and most of this beautiful legend. You see, at the time of his death he had had no chance of making the child realise how bad he was, for the excellent reason that she had not yet been born, so he seized this opportunity of making good that omis- sion. As a practical illustration of the kind of man he really had been, he struck the child violently on the arm. We all saw him do it and we all heard the smack, but the child assured us that seventh scenes), for his record was a| whom he had brutalised, he found that | . . . . . . j his limited time was spent in correcting “The Daisy” YOU TAKE A FANCY TO ME?” (Mr. Caine). “Wat MADE Julia (Miss Merrarr). “1 pexxo.” (Sympat elu appreciation of hey wrnorance on part of andwence.) and incidentally was caught in the act of resuming its recumbent position when the curtain rose again for the purpose of allowing the actors to receive our respectful plaudits. Behind me I heard an American lady | Suggest that if they could somehow dis- | tinguish the spirit from the body it would be better for our illusions. To which her neighbour expressed the opinion that they would eventually manage to do that feat. I await. less hopefully, this development in stage mechanism. Meanwhile Mary Rose has much to answer for. The play began promisingly enough with a scene full of colour and human- ity, of humour and pathos. We were among the roundabouts, whose florid and buxom manageress, Mrs. Muscat (ad- mirably played by Miss Suzanne SuHeEt- i was too much sermonising. DON), was having a quarrel of jealousy with her assistant and late lover, “ The Daisy,” who had seen taking notice of Another. The dumb devotion of this child, Julia (Miss Mary Mer. RALL), Who could never find words for her love—she said little beyond “ Yuss” and “ T dunno’’—was a very moving thing; and the patient stillness with which she bore his subsequent brutality held us always under a strange fascination. For the rest it was an ugly and sordid business, relieved only by the coy con- fidences of the amorous Maria (played by Miss Gnapys Gorpon with a nice fun). Mr. Henry Care, as * The Daisy,” presented very effectively the rough-and-ready humour and the frank brutality of his type; but he per- haps failed to convey the devastating attractions which he was alleged to have for the frail sex: and } spasms of tragic emotion sec out of the picture. Apart from the painful crudity of the scene that was loosely described as “The Other Side,” the play abounded in amateurisms. For one thing there been sense ol is sudden med a little It began with an obtrusive homily on the part of an inspector of police, who went out of his way to admonish Julia about the danger of associating with “ The Daisy.’ Another instance was that of the bank-messenger, a person of such self-possession and detachment that he contrived to deliver a moral address while holding one foiled villain at the point of his revolver and gripping the other’s wrist as in a vice. Nothing again could have been more naive than the innocent home-coming of the domestic carving-knive, freshly sharpened, from the grinder’s just in time to be diverted to the objects of a murderous enterprise. Altogether, it was rather poor stutf, unworthy of the talent of many of its interpreters and of the trouble that Miss Epirn Crata had spent over its scenic effects. Perhaps the audience had been led to expect too much, for ‘The Daisy,” far from being the “ wee, modest’ flower of Ronert Burys, had been at some pains to draw preliminary attention to its merits. O. 5. The Bedroom Shortage. “That a woman ought to dress quietly and practically in the street is unquesti ‘* Times'’’ Fa n article. nable.” “As the harvest season this year is late, sport will not be general for at least two weeks hence, when grain crops may be expe ted to be in stook. For some time to come sheep will be confined to the low hill sides and — lands and turnip fields, and a few good bags were had there yesterday.”—Scotch Paper. We still prefer the old-fashioned sport of partridge-shooting.

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nl SeprTEMBER 22, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 3 937 Te ere i i | ; , | . } Mi gpI ee a WAR AND SCIENCE. Greek Officer. “CaN’Y YOU THINK OF SOMPTHING QUICK? Archimedes, “SCIENCE 18 NOY TO BE HUSTLED, GENERAL | HINK OUT A FANCY SCHEME.” SPANISH LEDGES. E SCILLY. Tue bells of Cadiz clashed for them When they sailed away The Citadel guns, saluting, crashed for them Over the Bay ; With banners of saints aloft unfolding, Their poops a glitter of golden moulding, Tambowrs throbbing and trumpets neighing Into the sunset they went swaying. But the port they sought they wandered wide of | And they won't see Spain again this side ot Judgment Day. | For they ‘re down, deep down, in Dead Man's Town, Twenty fathoms under the clean green waters j | No more hauling sheets in the rolling treasure fleet No more stinking rations and dread red slaughters ; | No galley oars shall bow them nor shrill whips cow the | Frost shall not shrivel them nor the hot sun smite, | No more watch to keep, nothing now but sleep— | Sleep and take it easy in the long twilight. | The bells of Cadiz tolied for them Mournful and glum ; Up in the Citadel requiems rolled for them On the black drum ; Priests had many a mass to handle, Nuestra Sefiora many a candle, And many a lass grew old in prayi . For a sight of those topsails homeward swaying— / But it’s late to wait till a girl is bride ot | A Jack who won't be back this side of : Kingdom Come. Tut ARMY IS WAITING AND THE ENEMY APPROACHES.” GET YOUR ARM TO DO A LITTLE PLAIN FIGHTING WHILE I | But little they care down there, down there, Hid from time and tempest by the jade-green waters ; | They have loves a-plenty down at fathom twenty, Pearly-skinned silver-finned mer-kings’ daughters. At the gilt quarter-ports sit the Dons at their sports, | \-dicing and drinking the red wine and white, While the crews forget their wrongs in the sea-maids’ songs \ } ] And dance upon the foe’sles i: e grey ghost light. 2 REL aE PATLANDER. } | “REMARKABLE OVAL SCORING.” } Evening Paper Contents Bill. We have made some remarkable scores of that shape our- elves in the past, but we never boast about them. ! “He believed that the English pronounces 1 in the streets of Londen | in, say, 200 years’ time, will be much different, if not unintelligible, © the man of to-day.”— Daily Payx r, | Just like the English in some of our newspapers. ‘* The Secretary of State for India is not persona grata either to ithe British House of Commo or to the British public, That is | the old-fashioned English of it.”--Banygalore Daily Post, It would be interesting to see the old fashioned Latin of it. P } «Will any Lady Recommend ¢ try Home of the best where 2 precious Poms can be happy and would be looked after for 6 weeks? Surrey preferred.”— Morning Paper. Think of their disgust at finding themselves boarded out n Sussex or Kent. “Young Hungarian Lady with Fnglish and German knolidgement Pestes Lloyd, Laugh and the world laughs with you; Sob and you sob alone. ants sob with English or American Organization.” Sci NNR ER A STI MEER RC nee

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PUN CH, A WAY OUT OF THE PRESENT UNREST. « A penny for your thoughts to Kathleen. “T like that,” said Kathleen indig- nantly. “A penny was the market value of my thoughts in 1914. Why should butter and cheese and reels of cotton go up more than double and my thoughts stay the same?”’ “ Twopence,” I offered. “T said more than double,” she marked coldly. I plunged. sin Done hy “T'll put it in the collection bag for you next Sunday,” I added hastily. «“ Well, I was thinking of Veronica's future. I was wondenng was going to be.’ “ When ” I said re- I said. ‘ Sixpence,” what she we went to Palace,” I said gently, “I rather gathered that she wanted to be the proprietor of a merry-go-round. They were dragons with red-plush seats.” the Crystal ‘She might go into Parliament,’ said Kathleen dreamily; “I expect women will be able to do everything by the time she’s grown up. She might be a Cabinet Minister. I don’t see why she shouldn’t be Prime Min- ister.” ‘Her hair’s just about the right | | arrange it.” length now,” I said. “ And pethaps| § he heaved a sigh of relief and ran she could give me seiioaie’ employ- y off to ae he clad news to the butter- ment. I wouldn’t mind bei sing Minister | flies and hollyhocks of Transport. There’s quite a good | So th at’ S settled. salary attached. But of course she may I think we 've ma le a Wise decision have ideas of her own on the subject.” | After all, what’s a witch or two, o1 Feeling curious, | went in search of} even a temporary existence as a frog, Veronica. I found her at a private | compared with a coal strike ? dance given by the butterflies and | hollyhoeks at the other end of the lawn THE WAIL OF THE WASP. When she saw me she came to meet me and made her excuses very politely. as We 've just been wondering what you ‘re going to be whe nm you 've stopped being a little girl,” I said. “Me?” said Veronica calmly. “Oh, I’m going to be a fairy. You don't want me to be anything else, do you?" she added anxiously. Even the Prime Minister's post seemed suddenly quite flat. “Oh, no,” I said. “TI think you've made a very good choice.” was not quite satisfied. “T shall hate going aw: ay from you, she said. “Couldn't you come too? , “ Where?” To Fairyland.” “Ah!” I said, thinking about if we didn’t like it ““N-no, I don’t fink so. heard of anyone doing that. But you ‘nh love it,’ went on earnestly “You'll be ever so tiny and you can draw funny frost pictures wiv But she “that takes Could we come back some I've never she rain- OR T HE LONDON bows eal fold up Sows “rs into bade ‘coil splash dew - water everyting at night and ride on butterflies and help the birds to make nests. Fink what over fun to —* bird to make a nest! You ll love it “Ts that all?” I said sternly. Are you keeping taste ing from me ? What | about witches and spells and being | turned into frogs? I’m sure [ remem- ber that in my fairy tales.” “Oh, noth that matters,” said quickly. ‘“ You can always fell a witch, you know, and we'll keep out of their way. An’ if a nasty fairy turns you into a frog a mice one will hing } , lg Sie always turn you back quite soon. It’s all right. You mustn't worry about that. There won't be any fun if you don't come too, darlin’, she ended shamelessly ] considered ‘ Veronica,” I said at last, “is there such a thing as Ireland in Fairyland? Is t an exchange that won't keep steady ? Is there any labour trouble ?”’ She shook he ‘rT he ad. here ‘I’ve never heard of anyfing that sounded like those,” she said; “I'm sure there isn’t.” ‘That decides it,’ I said. “ We'll all come. As soon as you can possibly Wuen that I was a tiny grub, And peevish and inclined to blub, Mother, my Queen, My infant grief you would assuage With promise of the ripe greengage And purple sheen Of luscious plums, “ When Autumn comes.” The Autumn days are flying fast ; Across the bleak skies overcast Scurries the wind; Where are those plums of purple hue, Mother? I only wish that you Had disciplined My pampered youth To face the truth. The time for wasps is nearly déne, And what is life without the sun, Mother, my Queen ? | Dull stupor numbs your royal head Torpid my sisters lie—or dead Come, let me lean Back on my sting CH AR IV ARL (Sars TEMBER ™ The eee 1920. ) SUCCESTIONS FOR A CENERAL PAPER. (For the benefit of the Eraminers in the Oxford School of English Literature.) (1) Compare, in respect oratory, (a) Dr. Sovrx with “ Woopnine Witurr,” and (6) Dr. Micharn Furse (Bishop of St. Albans) with the Jupr. cious Hooker. (2) Give reasons in of pulpit support of Mr, Brv ERLEY NICHOLLS’ emendation of the lines in The Ancient Mariner The wedding guest he beat his breast, For he heard the proud Sassoon (3) Re-write “Tears, idle tears” in | the style of (a) Dr. Jonnson, (b) Can. | LISTHENES, (c) the Srrweuxs, (4) What do you know of Casa- NOVA, Karsavina, CAGLiostro, KEnnepy | JONES, Captain PETER Wricut, Ep- sTEIN, ECKSTEIN and Ernsrers? When | did Sir Outver Lone say that he would | not leave ein Stein unturned until he | had upset the theory of Relativity? (5) Give a complete list of all the | poets, major and minor, at present re- siding on Boar's Hill, and trace their influence on the Baconian controversy. | (6) Distinguish by psycho-analysis between (a) SypNEY SmirH and Srpyey | Ler, (6) Georar Merepiruand Groroe Rosey, noting convergences as well as | divergences of mentality, physique and sub-conscious uplift. (7) Would Jason, iled in the | Argo, have laid an embargo on Mareot as passenger or supercargo ” Estimate the pre ybable results of her introduction | to Medea, and its effect the views | who Su on and translations of Professo GILBER? | Murray. (8) What eminent Georgian critic | said that TENNYSON Ss vreatest work was his Idols of the een ¢ (9) Estimate the effect Recon- | struction if Mr. Borromiry were to | devote himself exclusively to theological studies, and Mr. Wexts were to take up his abode permanently in Russia. Another Impending Apology. “Fire at Carinpren's Home Lapy Henry Somerset’s Work.” Daily Paper. From a Pimlico shop window: “ GENTLEMEN'S Wark RoBES BovGuHt.” Apparently not worth a ‘“d ‘ Professor the pian _ wh » is trying to complete 110 ‘hours’ continuous playing, completed fifty-five hours on the first day.” Cologne Post. That makes it too easy. “Mme. Karsavina is taller than Pavlova, but has an equally perfect figure. The Groeks would have bracketted her with Venus and Aphrodite.”—Provincial Paper. two last have, ot course, heen And end the thing. constantly bracketed.

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PUNCH, OR THE Sepremper 22, 1920 Golfer (very much off his game). “ OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) Nor for a long time have I got so great a pleasure from any collection of short sketches as now from Miss ANNE Dove.as Sepawick's Autumn Crocuses (SecKER). Not only has the whole book a pleasant title, but each of these stories is happily called after some flower that plays a part in its development. sound of such a description applied to art so modern as that of Miss Sepawick. You know already (I hope) how wonderfully delicate is her almost passionate sensibility to the finer shades of a situation. It is, I suppose, this quality in her writing that makes me still have reminiscent shivers when I think about that horrible little bogie-tale, The Third Window; and these “Flower Pieces’’ (as 1860 might have called them) are no whit less subtle. 1 wish I had space to give you the plots of some of them; “ Daffodils,” for instance, a quite unexpected and thrilling treatment of perhaps the oldest situation of literature; or “Staking a Larkspur,” the only instance in which Miss SepDewick’s gently smiling humour crystallizes definitely into comedy ; or “* Carnations,” the most brilliantly written of all. As this liberty is denied me you must accept a plain record of very rare enjoyment and take steps to share it. Chief among the Secrets of Crewe House (HoppER AND SrouGuron), now divulged to the mere public, are the marvellous efficiency and superhuman success achieved by the British Enemy Propaganda Committee, which operated o— LONDON CHARIVARI, 239 I am aware of the primly Victorian | does ~~ te o bial Wy PUM Gy Naik earn Gs ALAA watt Ne “HUN SUNN HT Dy UP My ppt ay NR ONE ROUND NEARER THE GRAVE.” in Lord Crrewe's London house under the directorate of Lord Nortucuirre. “ What is propaganda?” the author asks himself on an early page, and the right answer could have {been made in four letters: Apvr. It is endorsed by the |eulogistie manner in which the Committee's work is written | up by one of them, Sir Campreni Srvart, K.B.E., and illustrated by photographs of Lord Norrucuirre (looking | j ; ' : ; » | positively Napoleonic) and of the sub-supermen. As in all good article is best advertised by truth; Committee, with admirable conciseness and no little in- genuity, so promulgated that it could no longer escape notice even in the Central Empires. Not the least of the Committee's difficulties and achievements was to get the truth of our cause and policy so defined as to be susceptible of unequivocal statement by poster, leaflet, film and gramo- phone record. Sir CamMpreLL Sruart perhaps tends to underrate the rival show, the German propaganda organi- zation, whose work, if it did Germany little good, has done and is still doing colossal harm to us. Also he tends to forget that Lord Hate and his little lot in France at any rate helped the Committee to effect the breakdown of the German moral in 1918 and so to win the war, I feel that Miss Marcarer Symonps had a purpose in writing A Child of the Alps (Fisuer Unwsy), but, unless it was to show how mistaken it is, as Basil, the Swiss farmer, puts it, “to think when thou shouldst have been living,” it has evaded me. The book begins with a romantic great achievements, the main principle was a simple one. A | and it was the | truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth which the |

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| thirty years ago.

240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. thy [SEPTEMBER 22, 1990.

marriage between an Englishwoman of some breeding and a Swiss peasant who is a doctor, and tells the history of their daughter until she is about to marry Basil, her original sweetheart. J cannot be more definite or tell you how her first marriage—with an English cousin—turned out, because Linda's own account of this is all we get, and that is some- what vague. A great many descriptions of beautiful scenery, Swiss and Italian, come into the book, and a great many people, some of them very individual and lifelike; but the author’s concentration on Linda gives them, people and scenery alike, an unreal and irritating effect of having been called into being solely to influence her heroine, and that lessens their fascination. Yet it is a book which makes a distinct impression, and once read will not easily be for- gotten. It seems a strange comment to make on a new volume of a “First Novel Library,” but A Child of

indeed, and in The Foolish Lovers (Conuins) he is at his best. The Ulsterman is seldom either a lovable or an interest. ing character. He has certain rude virtues which command respect and other qualities, not in themselves virtues —such as clan conceit and an intensely narrow provincialism—that beget the virtues of industry, honesty and frugality. But to the philosopher and student of character all types are inter. esting, and Mr. Ervrne’s skill lies in his ability not merely to draw his Ballyards hero to the life but to interest us in his unsuccessful efforts to become a successful writer, It is merely clan conceit that drives him forward in the pursuit of this purpose, for circumstances have clearly intended him to carry on the grocery business in which the family haye achieved some success and a full measure of local esteem. The MacDermotts never failed to accomplish their purpose ; he, as a Mac Dermott, proposed to achieve fame as a novelist,

the Alps, as you will realise Por if you have been reading novels long enough, is al- most exactly the sort of book its title would have suggested had it appeared These wrapper - artists should really exercise a little more discretion. To depict on the outside of a book the facsimile of a cheque for ten thousand pounds might well be to excite in some readers a mood of wistfulness only too apt to interfere with their appreciation of the contents. Fortunately, Un cle Simon (Hurcntrson) is a story quite cheery enough even to banish reflections on the Profiteer. A middle aged and ultra-respectable London solicitor, whoee thwarted youth periodically awakes in him and insists upon his indulging all those

follies that should have} heen safely finished forty tianlian he ° odd years before—here, you | Aenlienae ton: Pail. * Bene will admit, is a figure simply | shia bursting with every kind of possibility. Fortunately, more- | over, Marcarer and H, pz Vere Sracroone have shown | themselves not only fully alive to all the humorous chances | of their theme, but inspired with an infectious delight in| them. It is, for example, a singularly happy touch that the wild oats that Uncle Simon tries to retrieve are not of to- day but from the long-vanished pastures of mid-Victorian London. Of course such a fantasy can’t properly be ended. Having extracted (as I gratefully admit) the las entertainment from him, t} ; Simon up and go home. As a small literary coincidence I may perhaps add that it was my fortune to read the book in the very garden (of that admirable Shaftesbury inn) which, | under a transparent disguise, is the scene of U restoration. last ounce ol A > | 1@ authors simply wake Uncle . " cle SeMoNR 8 =a } *: } Nat rally this enhanced my enjoyment of | sportive little comedy, which I can most cordially commend. | = ' Mr. Sr. Jony G, Ervinris a versatile author who exhibits | that unevenness of quality which is generally the besetting sin of versatile authors, When he is good he is very good |

It was quite simple. But it ng turned out to be not at all | |simple. The quite provin- cial young Mac Dermott can- | Inot make London accept | jhim at his own valuation |

and his novels are poor stuff, | His wife, loyal to him but still more loyal to the | Mac Dermotteclan intowhich | she has married and which now includes a little Mae. Dermott, is the first to re- | cognise that her husband | had best seek romance in | the family grocery busi- | ness. Then the J/ac Dermott himself, with that shrewd- | ness which n be late in coming to an Ulsterman } but never fails him alto | sether, reali too and} ithe story is finished, | | The matin ect of the | characters in The Courts of | | Idlene Ss { \W ARD Loe K) was ito amuse thi lves, and | as their spri sations were olte conyers | punetu- | ¢ , , rerite ; » it | OLD ARE rou?” | ated by laus I take it |

that they succeeded. To give Mr. Dor p YATES banter; but me three | hundred pages of such entertainment tend to create a sense of surfeit. ‘he first part of the book is called, “‘ tlow some passed out of the Courts for ever,’ and then comes an interlude, in which we are given at least one stirring war- incident. I imagine that Mr. Yares desires to show that, | although certain people could frivol with the worst, they could also fight and die bravely. EEN AND UNMARRIED his due he is expert in light The second part, “ How | Others left the Courts only to return,” introduces a new set of people but with similar conversational attainments. Mr. Yates can be strongly recommended to anyone who thinks that the British take themselves too seriously.

A Burning Question. | ‘ The Germans have singed the Protocol,”—C iin pavertiieer, | A Master of Deduction. | At 11.30 last night a black iron safe, 22 inches by 15, w: found | ry the roadside at Leaves Green-road. Keston When m Lit was found that the bottom of the safe had been cut out, A burglary! suspected,” — Evening Paper.

mere? <5

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sc ARSON

Loman nea

[seen Serre mper 29, 1920.] PU NC A, OR THE LONDON CH AR LV AR [. w41 |= ——_——— (eine me re _ —— — — | But what does he think we pn a” a ‘The English hoes Use Wot ld n sis } iWnK ‘ Iih j st 3 Ou lmKke aN | CHARIVARIA. Tube ? idea! home,” says an American journal. | An epidemic of measles is reported Possibly, if people only had one. iin the North It seems that in these ‘* Primroses have been gathered at ” out in sympathy or in spots. even this seems to have failed we think | one week from Berlin streets. It is now | it is time to drop these attempts to} suggested that the London police might . i] ae ’ cane : . : i draw the Porr Laureate be taken off duty for one night in order ? + | to give the thief a sporting chance. days of strikes people are either coming fare Welwyn, "says The Evening News. As Three statues haye been stolen in | | | | The secret of industrial peace, says ia sporting , paper, is more entertainme!

i for the masses. We have often won Glasgow licensees are being aceused | | dered what our workers do t o while} of giving short whisky measure. It is It is not true, s Lys an official report, | away the time between strikes. [aren said that in some extreme cases |that Scottish troops are being sent to | i | the y paint the whisky on the glass|Ireland. We are pleased to note this “The cost of living for working-class | with u cal | hai by Sh. indication that the bagpipes should only families,” says Mr. C. A, McCurpy, the | he used in cases of great emergency. | Food ¢ ‘ontroller, “will probably increase} Mice, says Mrs. Greive, of Whins, | by 9s. 6d. a week at Christmas.” That | hate the smell of mint So do lambs “ What does the Mexican President is, of course, if Christmas ever comes & stand for?’ asks The New York Glob * Coal strike rn » coal strike whys Probably bec i ise the Pre sidential chair | We understand that [ Z nisi T ip Sg Be es race Fay 3 80 thorny Dean Ince has been | — porters at Liverpool | Street with more respect in futu

says, the public must hang together. | the country. re

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eae | bo | | PUNCH, OR THE (Lines written under the threat of a Coal-strine You for whose Mass by immemorial use When Autumn enters on his annual cycle, We offer up the fatted goose Mid fragrant steam of apple-juice, Hear our appeal, O Michael! Sir, do not try our piety too sore, wrench how cruel! Her whom we prize all geese before Bidding us sacrifice—a The one that lays that precious ore, Our priceless daily fuel. Her output, as it is, shows want of will To check the slackness growing rife and rifer; And it would fall far lower still (Being, indeed, reduced to m/) If they should go and knife her. , | | ] Yet there are men who press the silaughterers ¢1 In sympathetic language, talking loosely ; Among them Mr. Gostinc—shame That anyone with such a name i 1 ' Should cackle so ungoosely ! Not in your honour would that bird be slain If they should kill her But for then An object palpably profane (That is to say, political). and the hour is eritical— ] thy ; own ends, thus to gain Defend her, Michael! you who smote the crew Of Satan on the jaw and stopped their bluffing ; So, if you see her safely through, We'll give you thrice your usual due Of other geese (with stuffing). O.5 BRIDGE CONVENTIONS. THE game ol Auction jridge may be divided into three species. There is the one we play at home, the which we play at the Robinsons’, the third played at the high table at my club. The three games are peculiarly distinct, but I have only BP! second and that is recently discovered, at some expense, that each one has its particular conventions. At home, if I venture a light no-trump, and Joan, sitting on my right, exclaims well out of turn, “ Oh! father,” we all know that Joan has the no-trumper, and the play proceeds accordingly. At the Robinsons’ it is different. Suppose I make a vall of one spade and the elder hand two hearts, and my partner (let us suppose he is Robinson) passes, and | sav “Two spades,” and the elder hand says “Three hearts,” and Robinson bellows “No,” I at once realise that it would be extremely dangerous to call three spades, These two typical forms of convention are quite clear and seldom lead to any misunderstanding. But the high table at the club is different, and, if I might savy so with all diffidence, the conventions there are not so well defined. In fact they may lead to terrible confusion. | speak with confidence on this point because I tried them a few days ago. Three disconsolate monomaniacs wanted making up, and I, dwelling upon the strong game I had recently been playing at home, threw precaution to the winds and made them up. My partner was a stern man with a hard blue eye and susceptible colouring. After we had cut he in- formed me that, should he declare one no-trump, he wished to be taken out into a major suit of five; also, should he! LONDON CHARIVARL, ee [SEPTEMBER 29, 199 Sanaa ea ae oaient =e, 4 | j . 5 =e idouble one no-trump, he required me to declare without | fail my best s He was going to tell me some more | but somebody interrupted him. hen we started what ap- peared to be a very ordinary rubber. sult. My partner perhaps was not quite at his best when it was my turn to lead; at least he never seemed particularly enthusiastic about anything I did lead, but otherwise— | well, I might almost have been at the Robinsons’. Then I searched feveyishly for my best suit. two—four diamonds to the eight ; four hearts to the eigh A small | drop of perspiration gathered upon my brow. Then I saw thes, whereas I held the two, three, five of hearts, I had ithe two, three, six of diamonds. I called two diamonds. } : jsuddenty he doubled one no-trump. | Breathing a small prayer, This was immediately doubled by | | the original declarer of no-trumps. My partner said “ No,” my other opponent said “ No,” and I, thinking it couldn't be worse, switched into my other best suit and made it two | The doubler passed and I felt the glow of pride which comes to the successful strategist. This was frozen hearts. instantly by my partner's declaration of two no trumps. If Mr. Sminure were suddenly transformed into a Duke I am certain he would not look so genuinely horror-struck as my partner did when I laid my hand upon the table. | Yet, as I pointed out, it was his own beastly convention, | so I just washed my hands of it and leaned back and watched him hurl forth his cards as Zeus thunder-bolts about. Then, of course, the other convention had innings. hurled the to have its My partner went one no-trump and | began to look up my five suit. In the meantime the next player on the declaring list doubled the no-trump. This was very confusing. Was he playing my partner’s convention and | asking his partner for his best suit? I hesitated; but | orders are orders, so, having five spades to the nine, I | declared two spades. My left-hand enemy said * No”; my |partner said ‘No’; and the doubler lagain. This time my partner, being Dummy, hurled down all his thunder-bolts—thirteen small ones—at once. When it was all over he explained at some length that he did not wish ever to be taken out of an opponent’s double. I expect this was another convention he was going to tell me about when he was interrupted in the overture to the rubber. Anyway he hadn't told me, and I at some slight cost —five hundred—had nobly carried out his programme. When eventually the final blow fell and we, with the aid of the club secretary, were trying to add up the various columns of figures, the waiter brought up the evening papers. I seized one and, looking at the chief events of the day, remarked, ‘ StevENsoN is playing a great game.” My late partner said, “ Ah, you’re interested in billiards. I adinitted the soft impeachment. “ Yes,” he said dreamily, “a fine game, billiards; you never have to play against three opponents.” I have now definitely decided that playing my 2 handicap game at the Robinsons’ and my plus 1 in the home cirele is all the bridge I really care about. Another Impending Apology. “ Man’s original evolution from the anthropoid ap reasonable hypothesis, especially when we think of savages who inhabited these islands when Julius Cesar landed on — shores, and our present Prime Minister.”— Church Family Newspaper. , becomes a the semi-naked “The contemplated aerial expedition to the South Pole will — in October. Aeroplanes and airships will be used, and the object © the trip is to study magnetic wages.”— Irish Paper. | Incidentally it is expected a new altitude record may be | achieved, well, he doubled | aa Piatdationts + ty ose ONE Bat WEP ETE RP ERE ©

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LE TIGRE! India after big game. ] “TIENS! Boru (together). (M. CuemEenceav has just sailed for PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Srpremper 29, 1920. ae

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The Wife (peeved at husband going off to footba match on Wie annivers wy of Ueir weddiag-day), ‘*’AVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHat AYPENED THIS DAY SEVEN YEARS aGo?”’ The Husband, ‘* Forcotren? Nort LikeLy, OLD Girt, Wy, THAT was THE DAY Bourton Rovers Bear Aston UNITED FIVE— NOTHING,”’ NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. When he goes to the sea he has nething | m . to pack, THe SNA. — | Tue life of the snail is a fight L agalnst SEPTEMBER IN MY CARDEN. THERE are few things I find so sorrowful as to sit and smoke and reflect (nd he cannot be caught in a shower. odds. pe all there is something attractive | 4, the splendid deeds that one might Though fought without fever or| \ d “2 i ; ; have been doing if one had only had flUummo hy evga ance move in a minute, |the chance. The Prove Minister feels Waulaek: tevin one of thee gasteropods | \nd it's something to have such a very like this, I suppose, when hy remembers how unkind people have pre vented him from making a land fit for small flat That nobody else can get in it. | But | Which have to proceed on stomachs, Just think how ; . tne heroes to tis 1s What causes such numbers you d hate to go round | live in, and I feel it about my garden. on vour own. a ol snails There ean be no doubt that my garden lispecially if it was guminy, ‘ee io throw themselves into abysses : is not fit for heroes to saunter 10; the And wherever you travelled vou left on ihey are none of them born to he | only thing it is fit for is to throw used : 4) ] | ° ’ . a stone definite males |matehes about in; and there is indeed i tn a a me | his bac k, And that is a w vonderful power ; {The unlucky age. “MOTHER OF 13 HAS TRIPLETS.” Daily Paper, The horrid imprint ot yout tummy l | And none of the “a de finite misses. la certain advantage in this Some Wherever you hid. by that glutinous |. y cannot be certain which one of a | people's gardens are so tidy that you eh pair |have to stick all your used matches | Some boring acquaintance would Is the Daddy and which is the | very carefully into the mould with the follow Mumuny ; | result that next year there is a shrub- And this is the bitter complaint of the And that must be even more awful to | bery of Norwegian unen ee ee sane a bear The untidiness of my garden is = | Who is pestered to death by the} Tha” walking about on your tummy.|to the fault of the previous tennis eeallow. : A. P. H. Nevertheless one can clearly discern | But remem! c uaietin bia how through the litter of packing - cases Hh iC! y i aries his mouse on which completely surrounds the house that there was originally a garden there. [ thought something ought to he | 24 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Serre nse 29, 1920, | ——————— ALCOR

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| they left. SerremBer 29, 1920.) done about this, so I bought a little book on gardening, and, turning to September, began to read. “ September,” said the man, ‘ marks the passing of summer and the advent of autumn, the time of ripening ruddy- faced fruits and the reign of a rich and gloriously-coloured flora.” About the first part of this statement I have no observation to make. It is probably propaganda, subsidised by the | Meteorological Office in order to per- | suade us that we still have a summer; it has nothing to do with my present theme. But with regard to the ripen- ing ruddy-faced fruits I should like to point out that in my garden there are none of these things, because the previ- ous tenants took them all away when Not a ruddy-faced fruit re- mains. As for the rich and gloriously coloured flora, I lifted the edges of all the packing-cases in turn and looked for it, but it was not there either. It should have consisted, I gather, of “ gorgeously-coloured dahlias, gay sun- flowers, Michaelmas daisies, gladioli and other autumn blossoms, adding bright- ness and gaiety to our flower-garden.”’ “Gaiety’’ seems to be rather a strong point with this author, for a little further on he says, “ The garden should be gay throughout the month with the follow- ing plants,’’ and then follows a list of about a hundred names which sound like complicated diseases of the internal organs. I cannot mention them all, but it seems that my garden should be gay throughout with Lysimachia cleth- rovdes, Kniphofia nobilis and Pyrethrum uliginosum. It is not. How anything can be gay with Pyrethrum uliginosum | cannot imagine. An attitude of rever ent sympathy is what I should have expected the garden to have. But that is what the man says. Then there is the greenhouse. “ From now onwards,” he writes, “the green- house will meet with a more welcome appreciation than it has during the summer months. The chief plants in flower will be Lantanas, Campanula pyramidalis, Zonal Pelargoniums,” and about twenty more. “Oh, they will, will they?” I thought, and opened the green- house door and looked in. Against the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 245 FINGERS.” ‘ Thoroughly serub the base and sides of the pots, and see that the drainage- How | “s-p9 | holes are not sealed with soil. it thrilled the blood! “Damp the floors and staging every morning and afternoon, and see that wall there were two or three mouldering | the compost is kept uniformly moist.” peach-trees,and all over the roof and floor ariot of green tomatoes, a fruit which even when it becomes ruddy-faced I do not particularly like. But what was even more bitter t me than all this ruin and desolation was the thought of the glorious deeds I might have been doing if the garden had been all right. Phrases from the book kept flashing to my eye. What a fascinating pursuit! “Feed the plants once a week with liquid manure.” It went like a clarion In a single large | call to the heart. pot stood a dissipated cactus, resem- bling a hedgehog suffering from mange. And here I was condemned to ennui and indolence when I might have been »| sitting up all night dosing the Zonal Pelargoniums with hot beef-tea and taking the temperature of the Campan- ula pyramidalis, Even with the ruddy- » | faced fruits there would have been plenty to do. Mistress. “So 1v'S THE CHAUFFEUR THAT'S GOING I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE BUTLER WAS THI Cook. “THat was so, Mum; put Mr. WILLOUGHBY LET ME Mary? TO BE THE LUCKY MAN, FAVOURED ONE.” SLIP THROUGH His ‘Wooden trays with open lath bot- toms made to slide into a framework afford the best means of storing apples and pears. The ripening of pears may be accelerated by enclosing them in bran or dry clean sand in a closed tin box.” | It did not say how often one was to clean out the cage, nor whether you put groundsel between the bars. I told the man next door of my sorrows. “Well, there’s plenty todo,” he said. “Get a spade and dig the garden all over. Dig it all over indeed when I ought to be plucking nosegays of Lysemachia clethroides and Pyrethrum uliginosum to put in my buttonhole! I prefer to dream my dreams. EVoE. ‘ | a ‘a / | a!

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| | j H | i en Se mae 246 PU NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 29, 1990, THE CABMAN AND THE COIN. “We must wait a minute or two for Sir Charles,” said our hostess. “ Every- one elseis here,” and she beamed around the room. The various mauvais quart d’heure dialogues that this speech had _inter- rupted were resumed, most of them switching on to the question of punc- tuality. And then a cab was heard to stop outside and after a minute or so, presumably spent in financial trans- | actions, the bell rang and the knocker | our | help it. | general ; knocked. “That's Sir Charles,” said our hostess; “there he is;” and a few moments later the guest we all awaited fervently was in the room, full of apologies. begs “Never mind why you ‘re late,” said hostess, “T’m sure you couldn't Now we'll eat,” and again a dozen Londoners fell into ark- approaching formation and moved wards repletion. The party was familiar enough, afte: certain solvents of speech had applied, for conversation to and during the once been bec ymme entrée we were , all listening to Sir Charles telling the famous story of the eminent numisma- tist who, visiting the British Museum, was taken for a thief. By way of making the narration the more vivid he felt in his pocket for a coin with which to illustrate the dramatic crisis, when his expression became suddenly | alarmed and fixed. | infernal idiocy ! “Good heavens!” he said, fumbling nervously all over his clothes, “1 ‘ve given it to the cabman. Of all the [ knew I should. I had a presentiment that I should get it muddled up with my other money and give it away. “ What was it?” he was asked. “ Was it something very valuable ‘ “ Was it a rare coin?” Murmurs of sympathy made a low | accompaniment. “Tt was a goldmohur,” said Sir Charles. “A very beautiful coin of the Moguls. I keep it as a kind of mascot. I've had it for years, but left it behind and it reached me from India only this morning. Having come away without it I sent a cable for it to be forwarded on. And now! It’s the rottenest luck.” “ What was it worth ?” our hostess asked. “Not very much. Thirty pounds perhaps. But that isn’t it. The money is nothing—it’s the sentimental asso- ciations that make the loss so serious.” * Well,” said a practical man, “ you needn’t despair. Ring up Scotland Yard and ask them the best thing to do.” , — «Did you take the i ber ?’’ some one asked, “Of course he didn’t,” cabman’s num- our hostess replied. ‘“ Who ever does a thing like that?” «“ Asa matter of fact,” said Sir Charles, “T sometimes do. But this time, of course, I didn’t.” He groaned. “No, gone for ever. The cabman will it’s gold and sell it. I wouldn't trust your modern taxi-chauffeur with anything. “Tf you would feel any happier, our hostess, “do tele sphone now.” ‘No,’ said Sir Charles, ‘no. It’s no A coin like that would never be surrendered. It’s too interesting; even acabman would realise that. Umbrellas they ‘ll take back, of course—umbrellas and bags, but not a goldmohur. He'll either keep it to show his pals in public- houses or have it fixed wp as a brooch for his wife.” As Sir Charles finished speaking and once more turned gloomily to his neglected plate the knocker was heard it § see ” said use. again to knock, and then one of the maids approached her mistress and spoke to her in low tones. Our hostess bry ghtened. “ Now, Sir Charles,” she said, “ perh: aps you oH revise your opinion « f our taxl- drivers. Tell Sir Charles what it is the maid. ‘Tf you please,” ,’ she said to the maid began, “there’s a cabman at the door. He says he brought a gentleman here and——” Here she faltered. Robins,” said her mistress. “Tf you please, I don’t like to,” the girl. oti pe ey ‘I should like to hea said Sir Charles. “ Well,” said the maid with of courage, “ he s ‘Go on, said it exactly,” a burst says there’s a gentle- who bilked him—who passed a piece of bad money on him in the dark. Here it is,” and she handed Sir Charles the ‘And says if he get an honest shil- ling i in exch: ange for it he'll have the law on hin E. V. L. man here who goldmohur. doesn’t THE KNELL OF THE NAVY, is a remarkable fellow. His duties on board this ship are to fly once a week off the deck, revolve twice round the and sink thankfully down ep the water, where we haul him out by the breeches and hang his machine up to dry on the fo’e’s'le. By per- forming these duties four times a month, he leads us to believe he is preparing the way for the ultimate domination of Air Power. We of the Navy are obsolete, and our bulls are encrusted with the Harwich barnacle. The argument proceeds on these lines: Spor yner masts Se One day there will be another war— perhaps to-morrow. We of the N; avy, coalless and probably by that time rum. less as well, will rush bh lindly from our harbours, our masts decked with Jolly Rogers and our sailors conyulsed with hornpipe, toseektheenemy. But, alas, before the ocean spray has wetted our ruby nostrils we shall find ourselves descended upon from above and bombed promiscuously in the middle It will be all over inside a nautical second. The sky will be black with hos- tile aircraft, and there will be lead in the stew and bleeding bodies in the bilge. Hollow laughter ‘will sound from the bridge, where the Captain \ oe find the wheel come away in his hand, and the gramophone will revolve pre on @ jazz rune because no one will be alive to stop it. When all these things oceur we of the Navy will know that our day is past and done. : Why our Mr. Spooner is markable fellow is because he ean sit deep in an easy-chair and recite these things without turning a single hair on his top lip. Of course he realises that the work of the Navy must until the crash descends. But it is rather unsettling for us. It seems to give us all a sort of impermanent feel- ing. Quite naturally we all ask what is the use of keeping up the log and painting the mapt Why isn’t all the spare energy in the ship bent to polish- ing up our boat-drill? or why aren’t the people who can afford it encouraged to buy unsinkable waistcoats? The Ad- miralty must know all about it if they are still on speaking terms with the Air Ministry. It’s a beastly feeling. Yesterday a formation of powerful watch. go on— aeroplanes, which Spooner called the | came out from the and flew round us, and simply “ Clutehing Hand,” land prodded us with their propellers as we | lay defenceless on the water. The bogey is undoubted] spreading. The Admiral came aboard this noon to inspect our new guns. yawned the whole time in his beard and did not ask a single question. We suppose he realises that the whole busi- ness is merely a makeshift arrangement for the time being and not worth both- ering about as long as the brass is pol- ished and the guns move up and down easily. Well, as far as we are concerned it only remains for Number One, w ho has a brother in the Air Force, to cancel his winter order with Breezes, the naval tailors, and we shall all go below and pack our trunks and get ready to hand the ship over to Spooner. If the Navy of the future must be under water there is no particular reason why we should | be there too. —_——— a alter- He | et AGRO a RMN 2 ALLE yee RRR INTRO RAI ETN lemon

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Wy oe NS Ne \ Nh Vag @ His ile V2 “ip ON in Ah Y AY fy. ff AY; ——— — é + ! : } Y) _ —_—— —— MANNERS AND MODES. FASHIONABLE METEOROLOGY FOR MICHAELMAS. BRITISH ISLES: TEMPERATURE, WARM TO CHILLY (ACCORDING TO TASTE). ne

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248 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [SEPTEMBER Jarvey. “ YE"RE ON Mick. THE WRONG SIDE AV YERE ROAD, MIckK.” “SURE THE COUNTRY'S OUR OWN NOW AND WE CAN DHRIVE WHERE WE THE CONSPIRATORS. 1. My pgEAR CHARLES,—You continue to | ask me what I am doing, and why, and when I am going to sign the Peace, like everyone else, and return to honest work. The answer is in the negative. Though I am very fond of peace, I don’t like work. And, as for being honest, I tend rather to politics. Have I never told you that I take a leading part on the Continent in the great Class War now raging? And, by the way, has anyone let you know that it is only a matter of time before the present order of society is closed down, the rule of the prole- tariat established and people like Charles set on to clean the streets or ruthlessly eliminated ? : LENIN began to worry about you as long ago as 1915, and you know what happens to people when Lenin really starts to worry about them. He wasn’t satisfied that enough violent interest was being taken in you; the mere Social- ists he regarded as far too moderate and genteel. As for their First and their Second International—he wanted some. thing thoroughgoing, something with a bit of ginger to it. So at the Zimmerwald Congress on the 5th September of that year all the out-and-outs unanimously declared war to the knife agin the Gov- ernment, whatever and wherever the Government might be. How many long and weary years have you waited, Charles, to be told what Zimmerwald- ianism might be—a religious tendency, a political aspiration, a valvular disease of the appendix or something to do with motor-cars? Ah, but that is as nothing to the secrets I am going to let you into, to force you into, before I have done with you. . [t was not until well into 1918 that I myself began to worry about Lenry. He had left Switzerland by that time, having got tired of the jodelling Swiss and their infernally placid mountains. When the revolution broke out in Russia he felt it was just the thing for him, and his German backers felt he was just the man for it. So Lenin, whose real name isn’t Lenin, went into partnership with Trotsky, whose real name isn’t Trorsky, and set up in business in Moscow. But the thing was too good to be confined to Russia ; an export department was clearly called for. It was when they began in the “off-licence” trade, in the “ jug-and- bottle” business, that they ran up against your Henry. LIKE,” With the view of upheaving Switzer- land, Lenin and Co. sent a Legation to | 29, 1920. | its capital, the principle being, no doubt, | that before you cut another people's | throat you must first establish friendly | relations. This Legation arrived in May, 1918, when we were all so oceu- | pied with the War, making returns and | indents and things, that it hoped to pass unnoticed. But there was some- thing about that Legation which caught the eye; it had not the Foreign Office look about it—smart Homburg hats, washleather gloves, attaché-cases with majestic locks, spats . there was something missing. It looked as if it might be so many Anarchists plotting a bomb affair. And that’s what it was. I suppose you will say I am inventing it when I tell you that it used to sit round a table, in the basement of an Italian restau- rant, devising schemes for getting rid of people (especially people like Charles) en bloc ; that it didn’t provide t he Italian restaurant-keeper with as much money as he thought he could do with; that the Italian restaurant-keeper came rr yund to see us afterdark ; wouldn't give hisname; came into the room hurriedly ; locked the door behind him ; whispered “ H’st! and told us all about it. It requires an a

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Lk i Tg mers PENRO ETH OF 3 ' Italian to | perly ; but this fellow was better than the best. I couldn't go to a cinema | for months afterwards because it lacked the thrill of real life. We were so impressed with his per- formance that we asked him his trade. He dropped the sinister, assumed the bashful and told us that he was an illusionist and juggler before he took to ' restaurant-keeping and sleuthing. He juggled four empty ink-pots for our entertainment and made one of them disappear. Not quite the way to treat a world-revolution; but there! This SepreEMBER 29, 1920.) was all in the autumn of 1918, when we were naturally a bit above our- selves. Switzerland has four frontiers—Ger- man, Austrian, Italian French. Lenin's Legation had opened up, modestly and without ostentation as becomes a world’s reformer, a distri- buting office on each one of the four. Somehow I could never work myself up to be really alarmed at jolly Anna BALABANOI r, but I fancy she has done as much harm since as most people achieve here on earth. Her job to work into Italy; but in those days, when war conditions still prevailed, she couldn't do much more than stand on the shores and Was of the Lake of Lugano and scowl at} the opposite side, which is Italian. Do} you remember the lady’s photograph in our daily Press? If so you will agree with me that even that measure was enough to start unrest in Italy. . . Charles, my lad, let us break off there and leave you for a week all of a tremble. | In the course of these Sensational Revel- | ations we are going to see something of the arrangements made for the break- up of the old world, which, with all its faults, we know we still love. The pro- cess of reconstruction is not yet defined, | and will probably not be attempted in our In any case, when things arrive at that stage, there will be no Chules and, I am still more sorry to say, no Henry. time. Now, whatever you may think about it, | for one am not prepared to be scrapped and to become part of a dump | of oddments waiting instructions for | removal from a Bolshevist Disposals Board. You know what these Disposa Boards are: one’s body might lie out in the rain for years while the minutes were being passed round the Moscow | Departments. I have worried myself to death about it, and now I am going to| Worry you. I am going to make your flesh creep and your blood run cold. No use your telling me you don’t care what is Coming along in the future, provided | ; you can be left in peace for the present. | | J shall tap you on the shoulder and shall whisper into your ear the resolutions re yi > c wt 1.7) hd unre“ I “ty ey 7 ( er, “WHEN YOU SEE A MOON LIKE THaT, T AKE YOU FEI A LIT BIT SENTIMENTAL? ” P.O. “No. Stn, 1 can’t say tr po. THE ON’Y TIMI I'VE ‘AD FI 1 LOOKIN’ PINTS 0’ BEER.” regard to you as recently Vi so nervous that you daren’t } 1? F anaes the end of Juiy last at Moscow. NaKe VOU get into hed, and, once in bed, daren’t £ vet out agam | expect to have you mad in about three weeks, and even then I shall pass more copies ol this paper, with more revelations in them, through the bars of your asylum window. \ll that for sixpence a week is not expensive, 15 it I deai C} arles d Yours ever, Henry. (To be continued.) DOESN'T it LOPrPY NOW 18 SOMETINES WHEN Commercial Candour. 6 14 stones, ¢ if | This do tright. esn t The above Neu ' a matt Mi OuIveR LODGE. sy" ( oats Zealand Star. commends his Butler 15-1, Six rind Payne r. off, years paces, regularly ridden b iched in wind.”— Weekly Paper. will last up } if the mare is all aan sai anaemic i tin rattles {1 \j | 1 1 | : | H

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Golfer (to old lady who has established herself on the border of t RATHER DANGEROUS TO SIT THERE?” Old Lady. “OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH—BUT TO JAMES IN THE BATH. Witnovut the bolted door at muse I stand, My restive sponge and towel in my hand. Thus to await you, Jimmy, is not strange, But as [ wait I mark a woeful change. Time was when wrathfully I should have heard Loud jubilation mock my hope deferred ; For who, first in the bathroom, fit and young, Would, as he washed, refrain from giving tongue, Nor chant his challenge from the soapy deep, Inspired by triumph and renewed by sleep ? Then how is this? Here have I waited long, Yet heard no crash of surf, no snatch of song. James, | am sad, forgetting to be cold; Does this decorum mean that we grow o I knew you, James, as clamorous in your bath As porpoises that thresh the ocean-path . Oh!as you bathed when we were happy boys, You drowned the taps with inharmonious noise ; Above the turmoil of the lathered wave How you would bellow ditties of the brave! How, wilder that the sea-mew, through the foam Whistle shrill strains that agonised your home. In the brimmed bath you revelled; all the floor Was swamped with spindrift ; 7 ld 4 underneath the door The maddened water gushed, while strong and high Your piercing top-note staggered passers-by, But now I hear the running taps alone, , A faint and melancholy monotone ; PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— [Sertewuen 29, 1929, | ON A eee Ve a ae ) \ (eae a! ee isl iis: ae i hh if i : = oc IIH Rell dee Ad ri (|) mh ies aii a al | 4 e fairway). “Excuse ME, MApDAM, BUT DO YOU KNOW I? Is BIT OF MY NEWSPAPER.” mens " scaciarenaatianatietateiaitadaiaasanendiins : meal | Or just a gentle swirl when sober hope Searches the bath’s profound to salve the soap, Sadly I kick the unresponsive door ; Youth, with its blithe ablutions, is no moi W.KH | IN A GOOD CAUSE. Amona the minor charitable organisations of Lo the least admirable and useful is the Santa Clat . lon not | is Home at Highgate, which the two Misses CHARLES ive been administering with such devotion and success since 1891 Its modest aim is to keep open twenty beds for small children suffering from hip and spinal disease, and to give them such treatment as will prevent them becoming hope- less cripples; and this purpose hitherto has been fulfilled | no one can say exactly how, but with help not only from | known friends but mysteriously from the ravens To-day, | however, the high cost of living has set up a very serious | obstacle, and debt and failure seem inevitable unless five ] | hundred pounds can be collected quickly. Any reader of | Punch moved to bestow alms on as sincere and deserving & « work of altruism as could be found is urged to send a | donation to Miss Caarxes, Santa Claus Home, Cholmeley | Park, Highgate, N.6. “Although its run in the evening bill must necessarily be limited should 1 yitinue to Paper. | | to two weeks, steps will be taken to remove it to other quarters it prove to the taste of the public. That failing, wt 1 be given at the — - Theatre f w a serves of matinées.”—Daily The italics are ours, though it is not really our funeral, las we never go to matinées. een st a ooo,

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a acca ere ——_—__—_— sa ii | _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Serremnen 29,1920. si | poinialapiiernnininnsmentiriah- nettle ain linn / SSS ‘ ‘; NS ; ah SS ] — VY ‘ 4 | | SALVAGE. Oxp Kina Coan (to his champion). “HAVE YOU SAVED THE SITUATION?” | Mr. Swim. “WELL, BETWEEN OURSELVES, I WOULDN'T QUITE SAY THAT; BUT I'M | HOPING TO SAVE MY FACE.” a

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ROGER REN GH GE (aU SepTeMBER 29, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV: THE RETURN FROM THE HOLIDAY. DK THE At last SHRIMP TEST. we have an explanation ol a | . ; ' } | good deal of the social and industrial unrest of recent months. Since April there has been a serious shrimp short age How far this is responsible for dis satisfaction among the miners and othe: workers it is impossible to say; | in other circles of society this shrimp shortage has been responsible for much. From golf-courses this summer has | come a stream of complaint that the game is not what it was. Sportsmen, again, have gone listlessly to their task and have petulantly wondered why the bags have been so pc OF. House-part ICS have been failures. In many a Grand Un- doubtedly this grave news from the North Sea is the explanation. What can one expect when there are no shrimps for tea ? For the eating of shrimps is more than a Stand nerves have gone to pieces. assimilation of nourish- ment, more even than the consumption of an article of diet which is beneficial to brain and nerve After all, the oyster or the haddock serves equally well for those purposes. But before one eats a shrimp a certain deftness and delicacy of manipulation are needed to effect the neat extraction of the creature from its unpalatable cuticle. Not so with the haddock. Shrimp -eating is something more mere tissues centres. but | EVOCARE GRADUM Hoc OPUS HIC | , , + ithan table cde portment; it is a test of} | mat i al | iow to the The man wl faire, qualities so welfare of the nation. 10 can efficiently prepare | shrimps for seemly consumption, chat- iting brightly the while with fair iowing neither mental Lress, can be relied upon his | neighbo r and s} nor physical dis to comport himself with efficiency whe- ther in commerce or statecratt. | | Watch a man swallow an oyster, and | how lafter the operation than you knew be- much more do you know of him \fore? But put him in a Marchioness’s a shrimp before lhim, and the which ltackles the task will reveal the sort of stuff he The shrimp test is one before which | physically have broken ldown, while the seemingly weak have drawing room and set Inanner in he is made of. strong men displayed amazing fortitude. sc days, when it behoves every man among his best, we view this famine in shrimps with grave concern, and we trust that the Board ff Agriculture and Fisheries is alive to the significance of this crisis. In the us to be at Publisher’s Column, “ Colonel Repington's Diary, New Booxs tevelation of St New Fiction. The Autobiography of Judas Iscariot.” Scotch Paper, The John. LABOR And Maraor next week. RAINY MORNING, As I was walking in the rain I met a fairy down a lane We walked along the road together ; | soon forgot about the weather He told me lots of lovely things: The story that the robin sings, And where the rabbits go to school, And how to know And what to If bogles ever bother you. i fairy pool, say and what to do The flowers peeped from hedgy places And shy ok faces, And furry creatures all the way Came popping out and said * Good- the raindrops from their aay. But when we reached the little bend Just where the village houses end He seemed to slip into the ground, And when | looked about | found The rain was suddenly all over And the sun shining on the clover. R. F. Parochial Humour. “Councn OvTING All arrangements for the outing were made by the Hon. Sec., and we are grateful to him for a very happy day. A walk to Church, cricket, tea and a game of bounders formed the programme.” Parish Magazine. rHis Paren. Boner fy dees, Grar,” The Chaldren’s New spaper, * PRONUNCIATIONS IN tona fides Grasse The idear!

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2n4 = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI a [SEPTEMBER 20. 1920, ~ en oo — j } ~ | | | 2 —— | | a AL o> 5 | J ; é 4 Lc Ahiyon of a ¥ Vj: JD Foi Pa hie. oS q rE A | Kiagge hte AP Y | } SS a y ; f\ | ae : | | } Enlightened Yokel (eaplaining the picture in a hoarse wlasper), “Tun BLew bY THE ZEEE, JEM, A rm i 1k CORN, BURKE NUFI AN THE BIT O BROWN 1) THke CONNER BURT MI THAT MUST BI rh ol GhYsEI KKSELE ! | : promise. Billie should fill his pail with | men the ease with which Bilhe's pram ) Q Tt 4 ? Q a8 \ MIRIAM PWO BABIE pretty pebbles and take them to London | and Billie's cot and Bilhe’s bath could |} Tat last morning at Easthaven,|in the puffer-train. I demurred. The| be balanced upon their vehicle But Miriam, alone of us three, preserved fishermen already complained that the | the climax came when, M ii having south-easterly gales were scouring their | softened the heart of one of them, we her equanimity, | had arisen with th lurk, having my own things to pack, to| beach away. Moreover, as | explained | were held up in a block at Oxford | say nothing—though nothing was not|to Miriam, ere long it would devolve| Circus, and Billie, d propos of nothing, | the only thing | said—of Billie’s pram | upon me to carry the dressing-case, | drooped his under lip and broke into a |} and Billie’s cot and Billie’s bath 1} Billie himself and—as likely as not roar | wished afterwards I had let the iatk | the deck-chairs and the tea-basket. “Billie wants the sea-side! Bilhe | vise by himself: if I do heavy work Why increase my burdens by a hundred-| wants Mr. Moy! | before breakfast I always feel a little| weight or so of Kasthayven beach ? I suppose Miriam did he best, but depressed (“snappy is Miriam's crude} It ended by her admitting I was per-| he was not to be quieted, and old ladies | synonym) for the remainder of the ifectly right, and—by Bilhe filling his pail with pretty pebbles. the cruel, cruel parent. | frowned L still had that feeling of depression | upon Miriam. when we returned to our rooms for an “Will nothing stop the child?” early luncheon (there’s nothing I so detest) ; in ommnibuses peered reproaches at me. | day. | As to Billie, his first farewells went off admirably. He blew a kiss to the lighthouse, that tall friend who had “ There ’s a smut on your nose, dear,” winked at him so jovially night after night. And it was good to hoisted aloft pale blue jersey alter which we discovered that was all she replied. 1 rubbed my nose; see him] Miriam thought I had told the man to I also ground my teeth. goldi jeall for the luggage at 12.45, while | I was still wrestling on the pave- locks and small wild-rose face—to hug | thought that Miriam had told the man|ment with the pram, the cot and the his favourite fisherman, Mr. Moy, of} to call for the luggage at 12.45. rest of it, when Billie's cries from the grizzled beard and the twinkling And then we had to change twice, within the house suddenly ceased, Had cyes. and the trains were | But when the time came for Bi he to| Miriam insisted Say ood bye to the beach he refused | Daily Lire ) crowded, aad! the poor little chap burst something ¢ on looking at The|I hurried indoors and found bim—all smaker, and Billie insisted | sunshine after showers—seated on the point blank on not looking at Mother (1008e. bh floor with rocking-horse and Noahs “Billie wants l« , ” . ) keep it,” he voci- At. Liverpool Street station | kept | ark and butche s shop grouped around ferated. my temper in an iron’ control while} him. Miriam, woman-like, was all for com- pointing out to quite a number of taxi He's quite good now he's got his aR RE omens

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CR INTE OLY I A ALD ree ee intoa chair. Whataday! But litth ? ~ by little, shelf upon shelf, I ‘ he hooks month bee wie ] had not see n for] LAMB, my Eliza-|} row of STEVENSON 1 did aware of t a whole bethans, not want to read if was enough to on their back , to take and handle it ny old green-jacketed Brown1nG, for instance. | | And the small red Mereprrus all needed | rearranging A little later I turned round to see Miriam standing feast one s eve down a volume in the doorway Re ! morse seized me; I put an arm about | ‘Tired, old thing? } | dow ‘ ‘ Ac gown wh my her, with She lo« half-smiling hook ; and she looked up again “He quite good now he mot hh , } LOVs, sii¢ iid and KIS ed ine VERY PERSONAL, Jus t ee What it looks hke wit lmyname in it, | have been making a diary of my doings (some real, som imaginary) in the approved languag: and Personal column James Milfly. This is hor i of the Society lam Mi it look ‘ Yesterday was the fortieth birt] }of Mr Milfly. He passed it quietly at the office and at home Ne congratulatory messages were received and no replies will be sent : Among the outgoing pa | the paddle Jam ssengers on teamer Tortoise, on} Tuesday, was Mr. James Milfly. He | | returned to the «,) potent mainland the SINE | evening, and will be at Southsea fe } i } days longer, after which, unle he can} hink of an adequate excuse, lit will} return to town ‘Mr. Jame Milfly, who recentl A] in ¢ i i , | sustained a laceration of the hagres bngu (Me Hh Pitt AME AGE AS | while cleaning his safety razor after = wear on his of the | Blimpham Horticultural Society, won | Use, pas sed another good night injured member is healing satis! } and no further bulletins “The The } bis wile iwatch-chain the wuthonty to actorily, bronze medal will be issued.” performance of The Bibulous | Butler at the Corinthian Theatre last witnessed by Mr | Milfly and party, ; by his exhibit of a very large marrow lat the society's recent show.” ‘ Maria, Mis her son-in-law, Mi night was Murdon, is visiting James Milfly. Hei likely to be a lengthy one,” Milfly will spend the greater part of to-morrow In London. No letters will he Try this for yourself. | | James | who occupied two | seats in the eighth row of the pit | tary : ‘Mr. James Milfly Is & guest for the | “Mr. James week-end at Acacia Lodge the residence of his old | } Albert Purges. shooting Wa , Clumpton, | friend, Mi Excellent sparrow enjoyed alter tea on Saturday in the famous home from which the lodge “Among forwarded.” You have no lidea What a sense ol pomp and well-fed coverts derives its title.’ those unable to be present inportance it gives you. —=—= ‘Ture WEATHER | at the Duchess of Dibdale rece pt nn a generally night frost - is the fowe |, on Friday was Mr. Jame Milfly, no | cast for the next 24 month om having reached him. Provincial Paper. “Mr. James Mj Ifly has been granted | I he best news for a long time a Surreunen 29, 1920] __PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR IVARL 250 sore," he a saan me, hs anal echoing ha Sp something Miriam had just said Ogg I reached my study and collaps | . a How to Brighten Village Life. of the day school has sssisted by the “The exterior paint been comple ted by the Viear caretaker, Theie appearance is greatly im proved a a result.” —/’rovenctal Paper “ HOTEL DINING- ROOM Open ro N Resins with OncuksTral ACCOMPANIMENT.” Jerveey Pape Residents, understand, need only bring their mouth (and other) organs, Wanted, ‘Cello (could reside in if desired),” Provinctal Paper, The housing problem solved at last. Smith Minor says he would rather | he called Smith Secundus | pleasanter sound about that qualifica tion just now There is a | | } | | j | | i Atay reese | | | i | q | | 7 Ht | | : |

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256 tn [SEPTEMBER 29, 1990, AT THE PLAY. “A Nicut Ovt.” Everypopy except myself seems to recall the fact that the late farce of this name, adapted from L’ Hétel du Libre Echange, ran for five hundred nights before it expired. Some restorative music has now been applied to it and the corpse has revived. Indeed there are the usual signs of another long run. The trouble is that nearly all the cast at the Winter Garden Theatre seem to| think that, if the play is to run, they| must run too. They don’t keep still | for a moment, because they dare not. Even Mr. Lestre Henson, whose fun would be more effective if he didn’t try so hard, feels that he must be at top pressure all the while with his face and his body and his words. Yet he could well afford to keep some of his strength in reserve, for he is a born humourist (in what one might perhaps | call the Golliwog vein). But, whether | it is that he underrates his own powers | or that he can’t contain himself, he| keeps nothing in reserve ; and theothers, | less gifted, follow his lead. They per- | sist in “pressing,” as if they had no} confidence in their audience or their} various authors or even themselves. One is, of course, used to this with | singers in musical comedy, who make | a point of turning the lyrics assigned | to them into unintelligible patter. Per- | haps in the present case we lost little | by that, though there was one song (of | which I actually heard the words) that | helps to keep the sacred flame of the| Ye watchers of the wind and rain, seemed to me to contain the elements | of a sound and consoling philosophy. It ran something like this: For you won't be here and I won't be here | When a hundred years are gone | But somebody e!se will be well in the cart* | | And the world will still go on Mr. LEsuiirz Henson, as I have hinte L,| allowed himself—and us—no rest. His | energy was devastating; he gave the} audience so much for their money that in the retrospect I feel ashamed of not | having paid for my seat. for him may need acquiring; but, once acquired, thereis clearly no getting away from it. Perhaps his most irresistible | moment was when he laid out six policemen and then meekly surrendered to a female constable who led him off by the ear. Mr. Frep Leswie (a name to conjure with!) was almost fiercely emphatic | in the part of Paillard, and I preferred One's taste | } | the relatively quiet methods of Mr. | Austin MELForD, who did without italics. Mr. Rapa Roperts was droll | As a waiter; and it may have been mv | fault that I found Mr. Davy Burnasy| rather unfunny in the part of Matthieu. nae } i | i * Or, alternatively, soup | This PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Of the ladies, two could sing and two, or even three, could act (Miss Laity Sr. Jonn could do both); nearly all had good looks and a few of them were pleasantly acrobatic. The scene of the Hotel Pimlico, with an alleged private sitting-room on one side, an alleged bedroom on the other, and a hall and staircase in the middle, was extraordinarily unconvincing. The partition walls came to an end at quite | a long distance from the front; and, | with the general company spreading | themselves at large over the whole width of the foreground, it was very difficult to entertain any illusion of that privacy which is of the essence of the cabinet particulier. I say nothing of the bedroom, whose tenancy was frankly promiscuous. The fun, of course, is old-fashioned ; if one may say it of a French farce, it is Victorian. Apart from a few topical allusions worked in rather perfunctorily there is se urcely anything said or done that might not have been said or done in the eighties. But for a certain type of Englishman there is a perennial at- | traction in feeling that at any moment | the proprieties may be outraged. That | they never actually are outraged does not seem very greatly to affect his pleasure. He can always console him- self with easy conjecture of the wicked- ness of the original. So there will never be wanting a public for these Noctes Parisiane. ; Let all | us hope that somehow it Entente burning. Vivre Minneranp ! O.S. BETTERING THE BANYOROS. (By a Student of Anthropolog 4.) Sir JAMES F'RAzER’s luminous résun of the investigations of the Mackie Expedition amongst the Banyoros has | only one defect. He omits all reference to the subsequent and even more fruit- ful visit of the Expedition to the adjoin- ing Noxas tribe, whose manners and customs are of extraordinary interest. remarkable race are noted not merely for their addiction to the dance, |the agreeable spectacle When, on a bright and sunlit morn, I rise refreshed and finely fettlec Your cue is not to cheer but warn: but for the kaleidoscopic rapidity with which thedancesthemselvesarechanged | from to Only a few} years ago the entire tribe were under the spell of the Ognat, which in turn gave | place to the Tortskof and the Zaj, the | last named being an exercise in which violent contortions of the body were | combined with the profoundest ‘melan- choly of facial expression. Curiously enough the musicians who are : season season. em- | ] . ° . . ployed at these dances are not of indi-| Ay, if I held untrammelled sway genous stock, but of a negroid type and are imported from a distance at high | Like djinns, until you ceased to say: | salaries The literary gifts of this singular tribe are on a par with their saltatory talent, but are at present mainly occupied in the keeping of personal records, led therein by a chieftainess named Togram, in which the conversations, peculiarities, complexions and dresses of their friends are set down and described with ferocious bonhomie. The tablets containing thes records are then posted up in a uous places of resort, with the most stimulating and entertaining results. It is noteworthy that the ruler of the country is not chosen from the dane- ing or Bunihugoro section of the com- munity, but from the powerful Renim clan, who devote themselves intermit- tently to the task of providing the country with fuel. The chieftain wields great power and is regarded with rever ence by his followers, but is in expected to devote h lf entirely to their interests, and if he fails to satisfy is promptly replaced by a more energetic leader. As the great bulk of the community yield allegiance to an hereditary sovereign of strictly defined powers this interesting country offers turn imnse a state in | which the dulness of constitutional government is happily tempered by the delights of industrial dictatorship. TO CERTAIN CAUTIOUS PROPHETS. | (Sv ygested by the al nvariable fi rm of the last sentence ti Weather Re port.) Forgive me for becoming nettled By your monotonous refrain “The further outlook is unsettled.” ok Is 1 nsettled j * The further out] They are too rare, these haleyon days, When earth’s a paradise rose-pet- alled, For you to chill us with a phrase: “The further outlook is unsettled.” Too often have I shirked the goal At which (as Scotsmen say) I ettled, Discouraged by your words of dole: “The further outlook is unsettled.” For instance, lately I resigned A trip to Shetland to be shettled ; Your menace made me change my mind: “The further outlook is unsettled.” Henceforth I'm going to defy You and your breed, inert, unmettled, Who chant that sad Cassandra cry: “The further outlook is unsettled.” I'd have you bottled up and kettled “ The further outlook is unsettled. ———————— ——

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oo PUNCH, OR SerreMBER 29, 1920.] THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i } } { t ANS RENE MABE DI o a% 4 ; . : on be - ; ? re - *. AN nn net 7“ _ A “Zh M7 4{ fe it yf - Jt j CTL | AND ON ri MAJOR-GENERAIT P THE X AT THE BRIGHTON FRONT IN 1918— ROAD IN 1920.

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| he puts on a black tie. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. neers [SepremBer 29, 1990, PIGS. “ Pias pays,” said Mrs. Pugsley. “So I have heard.” “Pigs always pays; but Pugsley’s pigs pays prodigious.” I rejoiced with her. “Took ‘em up sudden, he did; and now that interested! You'd never think that pigs ‘Id twine themselves round a man’s heart, so to speak, would you?” “No.” “That's how it is with Willum. Reads nothing but about pigs; they ’m his only joy. In partnership with Uncle Elioverthem. First time Uncle Eli took to anything wholesome in his life. When Willum loses a pig he’s that low that Wonnerful !”’ Farmer Dodge scratched his head. “ Well, I’ve been asked to loan out most things in my time, but never pigs before. Where be taking them?” «“ Home.” “That ’s a matter of better than two miles. Have 'ee thought of the wear and tear and the loss of good lard? No, Uncle Billy, I won't fly against the will of Heaven. If pigs had been meant to go for walks they'd have had legs according. Their legs bain’t for walking; they ’m for hams.” Uncle Billy drew near and explained. Farmer Dodge grinned. “To do down your missus? Well, I like a jest as well as any, and to put females in their place is meat and taties to me; but ‘tis a luxury, and It was. I knew Willum, otherwise Uncle Billy, and something about histastes. | 9” I had the pleasure of meet- | / & ing him on the foreshore that afternoon. No doubt he was studying pigs; but the title of the book he had in his hand was Form at a Glance. ‘ Pig form, I presume,” said I politely. “Now then, Missie,don’t go giving me away. All’s lovely at home. Me and Uncle Eli has clubbed to- gether to buy racing tips. brain. Doing very well, we are. Sure, I can’t tell the missus, and she a Ply- mouth Rock.” “Tsn’t it Plymouth Sis- ter?” “Maybe; but I think there's a rock in it some- | y s SN Bx “iger’s Sodger 's got THI Bridegroom (twenty minutes THING 'S OVER.” _@ late, excitedly, to Verger) == tion, ‘“ would I let you be taken mileg in this heat to see the finest pigs ever littered? No. ‘Tis not for my wife to go to see pigs, ‘tis for pigs to come to see my wife. Here they be. That's Spion Kop, the big black one—ealled because ‘tis the highest mountain in America and he’s to make the highest price. The pink one is Square Measure, for he'll eat his own size in day. That’s Diadem—no, Diadem lost lost to us.” meal any it's not; I should say Diadem’s Uncle Billy lifted his hat reverently. “The ginger one isComrade —a fine name.” “Why, ‘tis a little sow.” | “And what better comrade than a blessed female, my loving dear, and Fee “ Don'T TELL MI who'd know that better than me‘ ————j_ Don’t you go mixing | me up with the pigs, Wil- | lum; I won't have it. | What's the name of that | perky black one?” “Mount Roval,” said | Uncle Billy. «1 ma Kia's man and like to respect they set over me. Royal | just means one of the | Kina’s family The parade was dis- missed; the herd returned to its home and Uncle Billy paid the cost of wear and tear. He sat smoking that evening in ast ite of bliss- ful content. All had gone | vell ; vaded_ black | moment was over. Mrs. | Pugsley knitted furiously | in silence. ‘Now what n turning mind of the di ‘ight you | be over ) asked where. Anyway we agreed when we married to keep our purses in the same drawer, and mine's bulging.” “You are a brave man, Uncle Billy see your pigs?” “A thought that wakes me at night We keep ‘em out in the country, I'd have you know. There, why take a fence before you come to it ? , There ‘ll be wisdom given.” distinct. “ Willum,” said Mrs. Pugsley one day, “to-morrow I’m coming to see they pigs of yours; bless their fat sides!" “You shall, my tender dear,” said Unele Billy. “Yes, to-morrow noon you ‘ll see the blessed things.”’ Almost at dawn he presented himself at Farmer Dodge's and astonished that good man by asking to be allowed to hire a few pigs for the day. What about the day she will want to| Apparently there was, but the address from which the wisdom came was in- | |luxury is what you like but can do without.” In the end Unele Billy drove a bar- }gain by which he secured the use of | Six pigs for a few hours and paid three jshillings per pig. For three-and-six he .jalso hired the help of a boy to drive jthem; as he remarked, he could have |had more than another pig for that | jmoney, but it would be warm work for him alone. The inhabitants of the houses on the terrace of the little sea-side town where | the Pugsleys lived were thrilled at noon | by the arrival of a small herd of swine. The animals looked rather tired but settled down contentedly in the front- garden of No. 3. Mrs. Pugsley, hearing their voices, came to the door. “Why, Willum, I was just making ready to come out with you to go and see them.” j “My tender dear,” he said with emo- yours Uncle Billy. “ Pigs.” ** Couldn't do better.” | in that | “ Andtheirnames. Maybe you won't christen any more until after the | Cesarewitch.” | She folded up her knitting and went | to bed, leaving Uncle Billy When he recovers out Uncle Eli and said | “Eli, she’s known all She | knowed when I was driving they brasted pigs here in the heat She's never | been took in at all And thats @| , ” i woman. That’s what married me. | | | is if turned } to stone. i he sought | lan: aiong. “It would be wrong to enter upon p litical questions in these pages, but there can be nd | harm in suggesting that prayer should be made as much for our rulers at Westminster as for people in Ireland. The Collect with certain alterations, for Those at Sea W puld | seem especially suitable.” Evetei Du esan Very neatly and clerically put — Gazette. SORE TE RIE Pen Rea

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penn Tid PUNCH, OR THE \ z a af a Snecma inves A Ger wr em hee Le = ' ey % He (By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) UNDENIABLY ours is an age in which fond memory fills not only the heart of man but the shelves of the circulating libraries to a degree bordering upon excess. But, let reminiscences be even more frequent than they are, there would yet remain a welcome for such a book as Mr. W. H. MALLOcK’s attractive Memoirs of Life and Luaterature (CHAPMAN AND Hat). The reason of this lies not more in the interest of what is told than in the fact that these memories have the advantage of being recalled by one who | is master of a singularly engaging pen. Nothing in the book better displays its quality of charm than the opening chapters, with their picture of an old-world Devonshire, and in particular the group of related houses in which the boyhood of the future anti-socialist was so delightfully spent. Gracious homes have always had a special appeal to the author of The New Republic, as you are here re- minded in a score of happy recollections. Then comes Oxford, and that meeting with Swiyspurne in the Balliol drawing-room that seems to have been the common ex- perience of memoir-writers. Some entertaining chapters give a cheerful picture of London life when Mr. MALLock entered it, and Society, still Polite, opened its most exclusive doors to the young explorer. The rest of the book is devoted to a record of friendships, travel, an analysis of the writer’s literary activities, and a host of good stories. Perhaps I have just space for one quotation—the prayer delivered by the local minister in the hall of Ardverike : “God bless Sir John; God bless also her dear Leddyship ; bless the tender youth of the two young, leddies likewise. We also unite in begging Thee to have mercy on the puir governess.” A book of singular fragrance and individuality. a Smith (member of bowling club). “Do you KNOW THESE BALLS COST FIVE GUINEAS EACH?” Jones (golfer). “By Jove! I nopr you DON’T LOSE MANY IN THE ‘ ROUGH,’” CHARIVART 259 The Victorians used to talk, perhaps do still, about the | lure of the stage; but I am inclined to suppose this was | as nothing beside the lure of the stage-novel. All our | writers apparently feel it, and in most cases their bones | whiten the fields of failure. But amongst those of whom | this certainly cannot be said is Mr, Horace A. VACHELL, | whose new book, The Fourth Dimension (Murray), has | both pleased and astonished me by its freedom from those | defects that so often ruin the theatrical story. For one | thing, of course, the explanation of this lies in my sustain- | ing confidence that I was being handed out the genuine stuff. When a dramatist of Mr. VACHELL’s experience says that stage-life is thus and thus, well, I have to believe him. | As a fact I seldom read so convincing a word-picture of | that removed and esoteric existence. The title (not too happy). means the world beyond the theatre, that which so many players count well lost for the compensations of applause and fame; and the story is of a young and pheno- menally successful actress, Jess Yeo, in whom the claims of domesticity and the love of her dramatist husband are shown in conflict with the attractions of West-End stardom and photographs in the illustrated papers. Eventually— | but I suppose I can hardly tell that without spoiling for | you what goes before the event. Anyhow, if I admit that the ending did not inspire me with any sanguine hope of | happiness ever after, it at least put a pleasant finish on an attractive and successful tale. In the Mountains (MacmtLuan) is one of those pleasant books of which the best review would be a long string of quotations, and that is a very complimentary thing to say about any novel. Written in diary form, on the whole successfully, it tells little of doing and much of being, and a great deal more of feeling than of either. It 1s scarcely | i | } | i | | i | } ———— ————— :

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) i { : . 4 i fi i ) | | } ; : Ee | siveness together are just sufficient but so slight that they | left me wondering whether 260 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [Sevremper 29, 1990, necessary after that to add that it is discursive. As a| The title of Gold Must be Tried by Five (Macunttay) matter of fact I found that for me that half of its charm] might be called axiomatic for the precise type of fiction | which did not lie in being whisked off, as it were by magic, | represented by the story. Because, if gold hadn't to be tried to sit in the sunshine of Switzerland lay in its author’s|by fire, you might obviously marry the hero and heroine reflections upon subjects quite unconnected with her story, | on the first page and save everybody much trouble and and as far apart from each other as Law's Serious Call and | expense, Mr. RIcHARD AUMERLE MAHER, h wever, knows the effect of different kinds of underclothing on the outward | his job better than that. True, he marries his heroine early, demeanour of the wearer. From the human document | but to the wrong man, the Labour leader and crook, Wii] point of view it is as a picture of the convalescence of a| Lewis, who vanishes just before the entrance of the strong soul sick with grief that In the Mountains deserves atten- | but unsilent hero, only to reappear (under an alias) in time tion. I cannot imagine that anyone who has eyer got well! to get shot in a strike riot. Mr. Maner’s hook coines, again after sorrow will fail to recognise its truth. The little | you may already have guessed, from that great country mystery and the slender love-story which hold the discur- where they have replaced alcohol by sugar, and whiere (per- ’ ‘ haps in consequence) heroines of such super-sentimentality shall not even be hinted at here. For the rest the book is!as Daidie Grattan have no terrors for them. Personally ] whimsical, thoughtful, sen- rm >| found her and timental by turns and, in spite of ‘ts tolerance, a shade superior; with now and then a phrase which us her exploits on burning ships, besieged | mills and the like a trifle | sticky. For the rest you | | have some interesting de- i tails of the workings of th | a blushing cheek would de- | serve the Garter motto’s rebuke; in fact it resembles | paper industry; a style that ito the unfamiliar eve is at | ltimes startling (as when, more than anything else on on page 282, the hero's head | earth what the “German | snapped erect and lots | garden” of a certain “ Eliza- }and lots of | . As for] beth’ might grow into if lthe ending, to relieve any | she transplanted it to a apprehensions on your part Swiss mountain-top. let me quote it. ‘ Taking | -—_--—_-—- —- her swiftly in his arms, he Peregrine in Love (Hop- | questioned: ‘ifas the gold DER AND STOUGHTON) is a icome free from the fire at story whose sentimental | last, my darling?’ ‘Gold title does it considerably | lor dross,’ she whispered as less than justice. It gives | }she yielded, no indication of what is | wn. | e ° j really an admirably viva- | Te Bot | io seat Mie Tn . cious comedy of courtship | waa ee | 3 Mi and intrigue, with a colonial | THUEN) Is ¢ 1 to a setting that is engagingly | igreat extent the de novel. Miss C. Fox Sarru | | velopment of iw Ker seems to know Victoria | tucky lad into an attractive and the island of Vancou- | ; Jand ‘resourceful man ; hut 2 * ‘ VOorR { J 'T J ) >» ¢ {i} . »* "7 ver with the intimacy of VORRIES OF THE DARK AGES | its chief interest lies rather long affection; her pen- | ogg eful Knight (x —penligncon toast his way at a stra qe 08 tle). Twith his train Whe ‘ * 3: “Ou, CONFOUND WISI D READ THE NOTICE BEFORE LEV . eee pictures and her idiom are | ; Auksr iggy ob niceccggpeinet ee ie > ; ces BLEW | Victor McCa / arrived pee | THE HORN. I DON’T FEEL A BIT LIKE FIGHTING GIANTS TO-DAY, AND |. 2 ; p both of them convincingly | Besiprs I PROMISED 10 BE HOME EARLY FOR DINNER.” in Kentucky and took Boone genuine. The result for ~~~ ~~ __ Sahat Tala i, eT ae Wellver under his wing the reader is a twofold interest, half in seeing what will| became obvious enough that he was bent on istruct- be to most an unfamiliar place under expert guidance, half | ing his own life as well as moulding Boone’s. MeCulloway, in the briskly moving intrigue supposed to be going on}when the seal of his past is broken, turns out to he there. I say “supposed,” because, to be frank, Miss Fox | Sir Hector Dinwiddie, D.S.O., K.C.B., a tradesman’s son Situs story, good fun as it is, hardly convinces like her | who was generally believed to have killed himself in Paris setting. You may, for example, feel that you have met|I must assume that Mr. Caarntes Nevitir Breck intended | before in fiction the lonely hero who rescues the solitary | us to recognise in Sir Hector a certain General whose name | maiden, his shipmate, from undesirable society, and falls | acquired a painful notoriety not so long ago. T! in love with her, only to learn that she is voyaging to meet |may form what opinion he likes of the her betrothed. At this point I suppose most n vel-readers| this, but there can be no question that the author has would have given fairly long odds against the betrothed in|drawn a fine character. At the outset his style is so] question keeping the appointment, and I may add that} jumpy that the story is difficult to follow, but presently ‘ y i . - i? * . ‘ ' £ they would have won their money. Not that Peregrine was | its course grows clearer and I fancy that you will follow It going to find the course of his love run smooth in spite of | this; being a hero and a gentleman he had for one thing to try, and keep on trying, to bring the aflianced pair together, | and thus provide the tale with another than its clearly pre- | destined end. Of course he doesn’t succeed, but furnishes capital entertainment for ever and proves that Mr. Pune e reader eood taste of all } keenly, as [ did, to the end - —————EE —— = Strenuous Life in the West. | * At a charity concert at Clifton recently nearly 200 glass tumblers | the attempt | disappeared in the @urse of a week." —Daily Pape : ; ybody concerned, Very deplorable, of course. Still, towards the end of the sixth h’s “C.F, S.” can write prose too. | consecutive day would the audience be fully responsible? ~~ arr cancer tee penne tare

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Ocroper 6, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261

CHARIVARIA. “ Motorists,” says a London magis- trate, “cannot goabout knocking people down and killing them every day.” We agree. Once should be enough for the most grasping pedestrian. “A Kensington lady,” we read, “ has just engaged a parlourmaid who is only three feet seven inches in height.” The shortage of servants is becoming most marked. recently stated that he had a cousin who knew a miner who... but we fear it was only gossip. “It is possible for people to do quite well without a stomach,” Says a Parisian doctor. Judged by the high prices, we know a grocer who seems to think along the same lines. = & ‘ bd * . Special aeroplanes to carry fish from Holland to this country are to run in

the winter. The idea of keeping the

each, admitted that he had smoked twenty-six of them. Weare glad to learn thatno further punishment was ordered. The Waste Trade World states that there is a great demand for rubbish. Editors, however, don’t seem to be moving with the times. Off Folkestone, a few days ago, a trawler captured a blue-nosed shark. Complaints about the temperature of the sea have been very common among

A play called The Man Who Went to Work is shortly to be produced in the West End. It sounds like a farce... , A police-sergeant of Eal- ing is reported to have sum- moned six hundred motor- ists since March. There is some talk of his being pre- | sented with the illuminated addresses of another three | hundred.

All the recent photo- graphs of Sir Ertc GeppEs show him with a very broad smile. “And I know who he’s laughing at,” writes a railway traveller. * * * With reference to the Press controversy between Mr. H.G.Wetusand Mr. Henry Arraur Jones, we under- stand that they have de- cided to shake hands and be enemies. “In New Zealand,” says a weekly paper, “ there is a daisy which is often mis- taken for a sheep by the shepherds.” This is the sort of statement that the Pro- hibitionist likes to make a note of.

increased fare). “RIGHT-O, Ma,

> bathers this year,

“No one has yet been | tual murder,” | ture-goers’ Journal. It cer- | tainly does seem a pity that our murderers are so terribly sence of a cinematograph man. * _ | The Daily Express states jthat Mrs. BaMBEeRGER has ' decided not toappeal against i her sentence. If that be so, ithis high-handed decision will be bitterly resented by | certain of the audience who | were in court during the trial land eagerly looked forward to the next edition. k * found his ithat he toads in garden last week. We can only suppose that they were there in ig- norance of the fact that he took in The Daily Mail. * | <A pike weighing twenty- | six pounds, upon being hook | ed by a Cheshire fisherman, | pulled him into the canal. Bus Conductor (after passenger's torrents of invective on the subject of | His escape was much re- I'LL TELL 'RM EVERYTHINK YOU 'VE SAID WEN I TAKES THE CHAIR AT THE NEXT DIRECTORS’ MEETING.” gretted by the fish, who had

* * % A statistician informs us that a man’s body contains enough lime to white- wash a small room. It should be pointed out however that it is illegal for a wife to break up her husband for decorative purposes. The Manchester Communist Party have decided to have nothing whatever todo with Parliament. We understand that the Premier has now decided to sell his St. Bernard dog. “There are no very rich people in Eng- land,” says a gossip-writer. We can .

ee Only say we know a club porter who fish long enough to enable them to cross under their own power has been abandoned, rm + An Ashford gardener has grown a cabbage which measures twelve feet across. It is said to be uninhabited. The Rules of Golf Committee now suggest a standard ball for England and America. The question of a standard long-distance expletive for foozlers is held over. A youth charged at a police-court in the South of London with stealing five

hundred cigars, valued at threepence

decided to have him stuffed It is possible that Mr. Tom Mann, the secretary of the A.S.E., will shortly retire under the moured that members have started to

| successful in filming an ac- | states a Pic- | self-conscious in the pre- { | | | * : A Daily Mail reader writes | | to our contemporary to say | forty - two | age limit. It is ru- collect for a souvenir strike as a parting tribute.

The Ethiopian Again. “COAL STILL BLACK,” Heading in * Church Family Newspaper.’ “ The output in the first quarter this year was at the rate of 248,000,000 million tons a year. It fell in the second quarter to 232,000,000. Between and beyond these lines there is an ample margin for bargaining.” Evening Paper. Abundantly ample.

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PUNCH, OR THE Se LESSONS FROM NATURE. To an AutuMN PRIMROSE. “If this belief from heaven be sent, If such be Nature’s holy plan, Have I not reason to lament What man has made of man‘ Wordsworti. >” Sympor of innocence, to Tories dear, Whom I detect beside the silvan path Doing your second time on earth this year That I may cull a generous aftermath, Let me divine your reason For thus repullulating out of season. Associated with the vernal prime And widely known as “rathe,” late ? Was it the lure of so-called ‘‘ Summer-time,” Extended well beyond the usual date ? Our thanks for which reprieve Are Smituie’s, though they didn't ask his leave. why blo mm so Rather I think you have some lofty plan, Such as your old friend Worpswortn loved t sing ; That for a fair ensample set to Man You duplicate your output of the Spring; That in your heart there lodges Dimly the hope of shaming Mr. Honpees. Ah! gentle primrose by the river's brim! Like Peter Bell (unversed in woodland lore), He'll miss your meaning; you will be to him A yellow primrose—that and nothing more ; He'll read in you no sign Of Nature’s views about the datum-line. O.5. THE MINERS’ OPERA. Anout a week ago, when they took Titterby away to the large red-brick establishment which he now adorns, certain papers which were left lying in his study passed into my hands, for I was almost his only friend. It had long been Titterby’s belief that a great future lay before the librettist who should produce topical light operas on the GILBERT and SuLLIVAN model, dealing with our present-day economic crises. The thing became an idée fire, as the French say, or, as we lamely put it in English, a fixed idea. There can be no doubt that he was engaged in the terrible task of fitting the current coal dispute to fantastic verse when a brain-cell unhappily buckled, and he was found destroying the works of his grand piano with a coal-scoop. Most of the MS. in my possession is blurred and undeci- pherable, full of erasures, random stage-directions and marginal notes, amongst which occasional passages such as the following “ emerge” (as Mr. Sminuie would say) :-— * Secretary. The fellow is standing his ground, He's as stubborn and stiff as a war-mule. Minister. A Means will be found If we look all around To arrive at a suitable formula. Chorus. Yes, you've got to arrive at a formula.” Difficult though my task may be I feel it the duty of friendship to attempt to give the public some faint outline of this fascinating and curious work. Seenarios, dramatis person@ and choruses had evidently caused the inordinate trouble, for at the top « f one sheet I find ee ee “Act I, Interior of a coal-mine. Groups of colliers with lanterns and picks (? tongs). Enter Chorus of female consumers.” | Then follows this note: “Mem. Can one dance in coal-mine ? | Ln ok up COAL in “ Ency. Brit.” | ] Also CELLAR FLAP ;”’ and later on, at the end of a passage which evidently de- scribed the dresses of the principal female characters intro- | duced, we have the words : “ BRITANNIA. ANARCHY. ? gumper, bobbed hair. ? ved tights.” Nothing in this Act survives in a legible form, but in Act IT. we are slightly more fortunate: “Sceng.—Dx wring Street (it begins). Enter mixed Chorus of private secretaries, female shorthand writers and te- presentatives of the Press, followed by Sir Roperr Horner, Mr. Roperr Witwiams and Mr. Survie.” What happens after this I can only roughly surmise, but most probably Mr. Smr.Lre proves false to Britannia and flirts for some time with Anarchy, egged on by Mr. Wiutams | and urged by Sir Rosnert Horne to return to his earlier | flame. At any rate, after a little, the handwriting grows clearer, and I read: “Mr. SMI_yie (striking the pavement with We mean to strike. his pu k). Chorus. “ He means to strike, he means to strike, Rash man! Did ever you hear the like Of what he has just asserted ? Living is dear enough now, on my soul, What will it be when we can’t get coal? Prim® MINISTER (entering suddenly). This strike must be averted. ’”’ There seems to have been some doubt as to how the Prime Minister's entrance should be effected, for at this point we get the marginal note: “ ? rom door of Ne. 10. 2 On wings. ? Riding St. Bernard Dog.” But the difficulty was evidently settled, and the Chorus begins again: 4 Trap door. “Oh, here is the wizard from Wales— The wonderful wizard from Wales, The British Prime Minister, | Mr. Witxtiams. Subtle and sinister. Chorus. Oh, no! That is only your fancy. Disputes he can manage and check; All parties respond to his beck. Mr. Witziams. He talks through the back of his neck! When he talks through the back of his neck We call it his neck-romancy.” Chorus. | Of the arguments used by Mr. Luoyp Georce after this spirited encouragement no record remains but the following | passage : “My dear Mr. Sanur, We value you highly Howe’er so ferociously raven you. We must find a way out, And we shall do, no doubt, If we only explore every avenue. Chorus. Yes, please, do explore every avenue. N [Exeunt Mr. Ltoyp Grorar and Mr. SMILLIE ari | author in-arm, R. (? followed by St. Bernard) and return C. Exeunt L. and return C. again, and so on. | ai et A get nae gun J a Fa SI PER ENT EIR INO, Pe a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON: CHARIVARI.—Ocrorer 6, 1920 A PROSPECTIVE JONAH? YOUR A MAN OF SOMETIMES WONDER WHETHER TO FIND A BETTER OPENING.” I Pur Caprain (to Sir Ertc Geppes). “ ABILITY OUGHT NOT | | {it is rumoured that the Ministry of Transport is to have a limited existence. }

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| ! | | | wards and outwards, indicating increased production of coal.” | too thick for cor At PUNCH, OR- THE 1 Lady. “No cop LEFT, ALWAYS KEEPS A BIT Mr. Brown?” Fis UP MY SLEEVE FOR REG’LAR CUSTOMERS.” Chorus. Oh, have you explored every avenue?” Apparently they have, for later on we get “ Prime Minister. Then why should you want to strike When the Government saves your faces : You can get more pay when you like On the larger output basis.” And the Chorus of course chimes in : “They can get more pay when they like On the larger output basis.” And there is a note at the side: “ Chorus to wave arms 1 p- It seems to have been at some bably in Act IIL., that Titterby went, if I may put it so vulgarly, off the hooks. I think he must have got on to the conference between the mineowners and the represen- tatives of the time after this, and pro- niners, and struggled until the gas became any rate, after several unreadable pages, the following unhappy fragment stands out clear: ‘ My. S MILLIE stali lands iwvrese ié, 77 indej throual his } ivy Chorus of Mineowners (pointing at him). Ruffled hai requires, [ ween, Something in the Or else in the LH Ww shall we devise a balm Mr. Sminuie's locks to calm? Hullo! here comes the Datum-Line! brilliantine pomatum line. Monde? ONDON Cc HARIV. ARI [OcroBErR 6, (confidentially). “Wert, Mrs. Snipps, I'LL oBiicE you. | E nter ? comic. Didone Li ane. ? check trousers. (? can Datun- hi be p » ? red whiskers.)”’ rsonified ? Nothing more has been written, and it must have been at this point, I suppose, that Titterby got up a his piano. It all seems very sad. it | oma d i Ivor | CONSOLATION. | You may be very ugly and freckledy and small | And have a little stubby nose that’s not a nose at all; You may be bad at spe ling and you may be worse at sums, | You may have stupid fingers that your Nanna says ar thumbs, And lots of things you look for you may never, gut if you love the fairies—you don’t mind. never find, You may be rather frightened when you read of wolves and bears ‘ , Or when you pass the cupboard-place beneath the attic stairs ; } You may not alwa | That seems so n You mavy feel But if the Lys like it when thunder makes uch, much bigger than little girls rather lonely when you waken in the night, fairie it’s all right. } Ss love yo “| trust it may be sufficient to convince readers that Mr continued at foot of next column.”’ + the rest | At last the ever-recurring problem of where to put the rest jof Mr. Cuesterton has been solved. Ti Mas tl ar ta OATS a eS «

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. Octoner 6, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 265 i THE LITTLE MOA - Sinai l l { (and how much it 1s). va : I wave been reading a lot about \ i Polynesia lately, and the conclusion 7 has been forced upon me that dining out F in that neighbourhood might be rather confusing to a stranger. Imagine yourself at one of these Antipodean functions. Your host is seated at the head of the table with a large fowl before him. Looking pleas- antly in your direction he says :— « Will you have a little moa?” Not being well up in the subject of exotic fauna you will be tempted to make one of the following replies :— (1) (With Alice in Wonderland in your mind) “ How can I possibly have more when I haven’t had anything at all yet?” (2) “ Yes, please, a lot more, or just a little more,” as capacity and appetite dictate. (3) “ No, thank you.” The objection to reply No. 1 is that it may cause unpleasantness, or your host may retort, “I didn’t ask you if you would have a little more moa,”’ and thus increase your embarrassment. No. 2 is a more suitable rejoinder, but probably No. 3 is the safest reply, as some of these big birds require a lot of mastication. In the event of your firing off No. 3, your host glances towards the hostess and says— i “Oo, then” (pronounced “ oh-oh”’), } To your startled senses comes the immediate suggestion, “Is the giver of the feast demented, or is he merely t rude ?”’ ; Just as you are meditating an excuse for leaving the table and the house, your hostess saves the situation by saying sweetly, “Do let me give you a little 00, playfully tapping with a carving- knife the breastbone of a winged crea- ture recumbent on a dish in front of her. It gradually dawns upon you that you are among strange birds quite out- ' side the pale of the English Game Laws, and that you will have to take a sport- ing chance. While you are still in the act of wavering the son of the house says, “Try a little huia.”’ If you like the look of this specimen of Polynesian poultry you signify your acceptance in the customary manner ; otherwise, in parliamentary phrase- ology, “ The Oos have it.” For my own part I fancy that, unless or until some of these unusual fowls are extinct, I shall not visit Polynesia, but rest content with Purley. Our dinner-parties may be dull, but at least as knows one’s way about among the dishes. VRE ORRE Sees eS NY . Rf P \ 4 rit SS eas Sud! np ‘i: Mie A \W ac SN Eb Ss if Te MG ‘aS =! , . : ‘ yy | oa I Sz DAW ZONA SOA _ tig. $ 7 - — \ awe ; - , . eS ae oa } 2 fr Wye ay ? WM Wy ! é Fed-up Owner (to holiday Artist). ‘CHARMING, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY—CHARMING WITH ONE IMPORTANT OMISSION, YOU'VE FORGOTTEN TO PUT IN THE NOTICE ON THE TREE.” A BALLAD OF THE EARLY WORM. Tue gentle zephyr lightly blows Across the dewy lawn, And sleepily the rooster crows, ‘“ Beloved, it is dawn.” But not for long does sorrow seize The subterranean mind, For father grows another piece In front or else behind. And now he’s up before the dawn, Long ere the world has stirred, And eats his breakfast on the lawn Before the early bird. The little worms in bed below Can hear their father wince, While, up above, a feathered foe Is busy making mince. When the Young Lead the Young. “ Lady Nurse or Nursery Governess (young) And try to pull him back; wanted for post near Ventnor, I.W., for boy It makes their little cheeks turn pale | 24 years. Experience, similar age, and happy To hear his waistband crack. disposition essential. -- Weekty & aper. In vain they seize his slippery tail “Oxford, Tuesday. The Royal Commission on Oxford and Cam- bridge Universities began its Oxford session this afternoon in the Extermination Schools.” Daily Paper. They draw him down and crowd “around ; Their tears bespeak their love ; For part of him is underground Absit omen ! And part has gone above.

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| | . | 266 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroner 6, 1920, THE CONSPIRATORS. Il. My pear Cuarves,—The Third Inter- national is not a Rugby football match. It is a corporation of thrusters whose prospectus announces that it will very shortly have your blood, having first ac- quired exclusive rights in your money. Have you two acres andacow? Have you seven pounds three and threepence in the Post-Office Savings Bank? Have you any blood? Very well, then; THIS CONCERNS YOU. : There was a meeting of shareholders in Moscow as recently as July last. The Chairman said ; “ Gentlemen—I beg your pardon, Comrades,—I am happy to be able to report promising develop- ments. Our main enterprise in Russia, for technical reasons with which I will not now trouble you, is not for the mo- ment profit-producing ; but we have been able to promote some successful ventures abroad. In all parts of the civilised world—and Ireland—we may anticipate a distribution of assets in the near future.” And among those assets to be parcelled out are, I may say, your acres, your cow, your savings and your- self. There followed a meeting of the Executive Committee (I wish they would avoid that tactless word “ execu- tive,” don’t you?). Simple and brisk instructions were drafted for foreign agents, bidding them get on with it and not spare themselves, or in any case not spare anyone else. These were inscribed on linen, which was folded over, with the writing inside, and neatly hemmed. Shortly afterwards a number of earnest young men wearing tall collars and an air of exaggerated innocence sought to cross various frontiers and were sur- prised and offended when rough and rude officials stole their collars and set about taking them to pieces. I hate to speak slightingly of anyone, but these world-revolutionaries have no business to be so young. According to my view a professor of anarchy and as- sassination ought to be a man of middle- age with stiff stubble on his chin. He has no business to be a pale and per- spiring youth, tending to long back hair and apt to be startled by the slightest sound when he is alone. And what a lot of them write poetry, and such poetry too! That is the manner of the man who is going to seize your house and usurp your cow, while you will be lucky if you are allowed a place on a perch in your own fowl-house. We had an opportunity of seeing | | them in procession when a consignment | of these world-revolutionaries drove off in state from Berne about the time of | the Armistice. I told you, last week, 1 that we had a Legation of them, very | | kindly lent by the Moscow manage- | ment, and I also told you that our talian juggler had let us into the secret of their midnight lucubrations, of which we had duly informed the officials inter- ested in such matters. We had front places when the motor lorry called for them and the military escort arrived to assist all the passengers to take, and keep, their seats. Into the lorry were packed the Minister Plenipotentiary and Envoy Extraordinary, the Chargé d’ Affaires, the First Secretary, the Second Secretary, the Third Secretary, the Legal and Spiritual Advisers and the Lady Typist. Their features were not easy to distinguish ; when the Bol- shevists assume dominion over us they will not our soap. One or two fell out, but were carefully re- placed by willing hands and bayonets ; and so home. Now that is a sight you don't often see: a Diplomatique Corps being re turned to store in a motor lorry. The disappointing thing about them was that, for all their fiery propaganda and for all their drastic resolutions, never a one of them produced so much as a squib-cracker. The only people to derive any excitement from the affair were the small children, who took it for a circus. The best they could do for us was a general strike. What all this had to do with trades or unions nobody seemed to know, least of all the workers. But there was an attractive sound about the then novel phrase, “ Direct Action,” and it gave a sense of useful business to that otherwise over-portly word, “Proletariat.’’ And theloca! politicians, nationalize promised good jobs in LENtIN’s millenn- lum, made great use of the phrase, “ Dictatorship of the Proletariat.” Thus many an honest workman joined in under t that it meant an extra hour's holiday on Saturdays, an extra hour in bed on Mondays and an extra bob or two of wages. — 1; f ie behef While it lasts, even a bloodless revo lution can be very tiresome; almost as disquieting as a general election. Every body who isn’t revoluting is mobilised to keep the revolution from being mo- lested. There are no trams, because the drivers are demonstrating ; no shops, 4] because the shopmen are mobilised ; no anything, because everyoneis out watch- ing the fun. So you go into the square to watch also. You see little groups of revolutionaries looking sullen and la- boriously class-hating. You see a lot of | soldiers looking very ordinary but try- ing not to. The niff-raff scowl at the | soldiers, who are ordered out to shoot ' at them. The soldiers scowl at the riff- raff at whom they are ordered not to shoot. And, for some reason which the experts have not yet fathomed, it always pours with rain. a When we had succeeded in persuad- ing the soldier who was posted to guard our hotel that we were not the prole- tariat and might safely be let pass, we found a gathering of inside- knowledge people discussing the situation. The Government ought to have known all] about it long before—how the Bolshey- ists were stirring up trouble. “They did,” said we; “ we told them.” There was a Silence at this, but a smile on the face of the audience which we at first mistook for incredulity. We referred darkly to our private information, de- rived, as I told you in my last, from the Italian juggler. ‘“ Did he do juggling tricks with your ink-pots too?” asked the French element. ‘“ How much money did you give him ?” asked all the other elements. “ And | suppose he also told you,” said the Italian officer, “that he had no confidence in his own people and that the British alone enjoyed his respect ?” At this moment the Americans came in and asked us to quit arguing and attend while they told us how they had unearthed the great plot. When together we reckoned up the Italian juggler’s net takings we realised that it is an ill revolution which one any good. brings no Yours ever, Henry. (To be continued.) CUBBIN’ THRO’ THE RYE. d incident vided, one ing among Suggested by a recently report in the Midlands, when a pa part getting out of hand and run standing crops. | Gin a body meet a bod Cubbin’ thro’ the rve, Gin a body tell a bo ly « Seed ’em in full cry, } Useless then to blame the puppies, Useless too to lie Whippers-in can't always “em, Even when they try. stop Gin a body meet a body Cubbin’ thro’ the rye, What a body calls a body Dare I say : eB Farmers get distinctly stuffy, Neither are they shy, And Masters, when they rattled, Sometimes make reply i re really Brave News for Pussyfoot. “ A good many Church-people at home have been pressing teetotalism, and are now press- e that they ing Prohibition, and it is possi! may succeed about the time when the moon grows cold.”—Weekly Paper. a ag a RII anaes B28s bes ETT AR tina 2k

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APART ENRON THE MAN YOU GIVE A GAME

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| 268 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocroser 6, 1990, THE MYSTERY OF THE APPLE-PIE BEDS. (Leaves from a holiday diary.) I. An outrage has occurred in the hotel. Late on Monday night ten innocent visitors discovered themselves the pos- sessors of apple-pie beds. The beds were not of the offensive hair-brush variety, but they were very cleverly constructed, the under-sheet being pulled up in the good old way and turned over at the top as if it were the top-sheet. I had one myself. The lights go out at eleven and I got into bed in the dark. When one is very old and has not been to school for a long time or had an apple-pie bed for longer still, there is something very uncanny in the sensation, especially if it is dark. I did not like it mind. But the Barkers had two, and the Barkers are a respected middle- aged couple, and nobody could possibly make them apple-pie beds who did not know them very well. That shows you it can’t have been me—I—me—that shows you I couldn't have done it. I have only spoken to them once. annoyed. He has rheumatism and went to bed early. Mrs. Barker dis- covered about her bed before she got in, but she didn’t let on. She put out the candle and allowed her lord to get into his apple-pie in the dark. I think I shall like her. They couldn't find the matches. I believe he was quite angry. Iv. Denys and I suspect Joan. They They say Mr. Barker was rather —=== unanswerable problem is, who could have dared to make the Barkers’ apple- pie beds? And the answer is, nobody except the Barkers. And there must have been a lady in it, it was so neatly done. Everybody says no man could have done it. So that shows you it couldn't have been |me—I—myself. . . VI. I suspect Mr. Winthrop. Mr. Win- throp is fifty-three. He has been in the hotel since this time last year, and he makes accurate forecasts of the weather. My experience is that a man who makes accurate forecasts of the weather may get up to any devilry. And he protests too much. ‘He keeps coming up to me and making long speeches to prove that he didn’t do it, at all. My young brother-in-law, Denys, laughed immoderately in the other bed at my flounderings and im- precations. He did not have one. I sus- pect him.... ; Ul. wn We Naturally the hotel fae ; is very much excited. he It is the most thril- i ling event since the; /“% mixed foursomes. No- ; thing else has been dis- cussed since breakfast. Ten people had beds | and about ten people | are suspected. The | really extraordinary | thing is that numbers | of people seem to sus- pect me! That is the worst of being a pro- fessional humourist ; 4 y, J wlan race ~ * RiGut-o, IF YER WANTS A FIGHT I'M READY. 0’ GLOVES, AN’ YOU 'RE } THE YOUNGEST, I'LL BE A SPORT AN’ AS WE'VE ONLY ONE PAIR AN’ LET YoU —— But I never said he did. Somebody else started that rumour, but of course hethinks that I did. That comes of being a professional humourist. But I do believe he did it. You see he is ; fifty-three and doesn’t ‘4 1 dance, so he had the y} | whole evening to do it in. To-night we are go- ing to have a Court of Inquiry. ... VII. We have had the inquiry. I was judge. [ started with Denys and Joan in the dock, as I thought we must have somebody there and it would look WEAR 'EM.” : better if it was some- everything is put down to you. When I was accompanying Mrs. F. to-day she suddenly stopped fiddling and said hotly that someone .had been tampering with | her violin. I know she suspected me. Fortunately, however, I have a very good answer to this apple - pie bed charge. Eric says that his bed must have been done after dinner, and I was to be seen at the dance in the lounge all the evening. 1 have an alibi. Besides I had a bed myself; surely they don’t believe that even a pro- fessional humourist could be so bursting with humour as to make himself an ' apple-pie bed and not make one for his brother-in-law in the same room! It ‘ would be too much like overtime. But they say that only shows my cleverness. . . ; Ul. Then there is the question of the Barkers. Most of the victims were young people, who could not possibly jare engaged, and people in that state | are capable of anything. Neither of | them had one, and they were seen slip- | ping upstairs during the dance. They |say they went out on the baleony—a | pretty story.... v. I suspect the Barkers. You know, |that story about Mrs. B. letting Mr. |B. get into his without warning him was pretty thin. Can you imagine an English wife doing a thing of that kind ? If you can it ought to be a ground for divoree under the new Bill. But you can’t. : Then all that stuff about the rheu- matism—clever but unconvincing. Mr. Barker stayed in his room all the next morning when the awkward questions were being asked. Not well; oh, no! But he was down for lunch and con- ducting for a glee-party in the drawing- room afterwards, as perky and active as a professional. Besides, the really ' body in the family. The first witness was Mrs. Barker. Her evidence was so unsatisfactory that I had to have | her put in the dock too. So was Mr. Barker's. I was sorry to put him in the dock, as he still had rheumaties. But he had to go. So did Mr. Winthrop. I had no qualms about him. For a man of his age to do a thing like that seems to me really deplorable. And the barefaced evasiveness of his evidence! He simply could not account for his movements during the evening at all. When I asked him what he had been doing at 9.21, and where, he actually said he didn't know. Rather curious—very few people can account for their movements, or anyone else’s. In «most criminal trials the wit- nesses remember to a minute, years after the event, exactly what time they went upstairs and when they passed the prisoner in the lounge, but nobody — 1 A SARE AES CL Eade a hae Lal,

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WRG A TO Ste a ee ae Ocroner 6, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THR LONDON CHARIVARL. — e 269 | seems to remember anything in this affair. No doubt it will come in time. | The trial was very realistic. I was able to make one or two excellent ju- Right at the beginning I said to the prosecuting counsel, ** What san apple-pie bed?” and when he had 1 cial } kes. ¢ ‘You mean that the bed was not in ipple-ie order ?”’ Ha, ha! Eve rybody aughed heartily. ‘ Vill. In my address to the jury of matrons I was able to show pretty clearly that +} . ] 1 ke crime was the work of a gang. I proved that Denys and Joan must have | done the bulk of the dirty work, under the tactical direction of the Barkers, who did the rest: while in the back- ground was the sinister figure of Mr. Winthrop, the strategical genius, the lurking Macchiavelli of the gang. The jury were not long in considering their verdict. They said: “ We find, your Lordship, that you did it yourself, | With some lady or ladies unknown.” a ee That comes of being a professional humourist. . % IX. I ignored the verdict. I addressed the prisoners very severely and sen- tenced them to do the Chasm hole from | 6.0 am. to 6.0 P.M. every day for a week, to take out cards and play out every stroke. ‘“ You, Winthrop,” I said, “ with your gentlemanly cunning, explained 1 said with a meaning look, | THE END OF THE SEASON, Sympathetic Friend, “Wri, YOU'VE LAID HER UP NICELY FOR THE WINTER, ANYHOW.” | your subtle pretensions of righteous- ness " But there is no space for Sous oe 7 \s a matter of fact the jury were quite right. In company with a lady | who shall be nameless I did do it. At | least, at one time I thought I did. Only | we have proved so often that somebody else did it, we have shown soconclusively | that we can’t have done it, that we find | ourselves wondering if we really did. Perhaps we didn't. If we did weapologise to all concerned except, of course, to Mr. Winthrop. [ suspect him. A: P. i. MIXED METEOROLOCICAL MAXIMS. (By a Student of Psychology.) WuHen the glass is high and steady For domestic broils be ready. When the glass is low and jerky Then look out for squalls in Turkey. When the air is dull and damp Keep your eye on Mr. Cramp. When the air is clear and dry On Bon WruuiaMs keep your eye. When it’s fine and growing finer Keep your eye upon the miner. Pr When it’s wet and growing wetter "Twill be worse before it’s better. When the tide is at its ebb Fix your gaze on Stpney WEBB. When the tide is at high level Modernists discuss the Devil. Floods upon the Thames or Kennet Stimulate the brain of Benner; While a waterspout foretells } Fresh activities in WELLS. When it’s calm in the Atlantic Gooseberries become gigantic. When it’s rough in the Paeifie Laying hens are less prolific. When the clouds are moving larao There is no restraining Marcor When their movement is con brio "Ware Cutozza Money (Lio)! When the be is bright but spotty Diarists become more dotty. When the sun is dim and hazy Diarists become more erazy. When the nights are calm and still Faster travels Garvin's quill. When the blizzard’s blast is hissing REPINGTON is reminiscing. If you ponder well these lines You can read the weather signs In accordance with the rule 3inding both on sage and fool :-— Anuthina in mortal ken May befall us anywhen. Commercial Importunity. “Services! Dozens other cars available, £1,500 to £50. Call and insult us.” Motor Journal, More Visions of the Unseen. “The roads are peculiarly situated, and are dangerous not only because they are main cross roads, but also on account of the hidden view they afford of each other.”— Local Paper. | ; i i 1} i j i} 1 t i i / j i] | i | |

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| / : i ; j : 4 } it ; ie rata | 270 et TENA LI SUE ES = ore merce ae Ay i | aoe WS SS | WX NN | | t A > j u | : | \ = \ | ; r t ue mA Aid i | } | | i \ i \ {Za T } i 1 Teacher. “AND WHAT DOES ff MEAN?” THE DEVOTED LOVER. {* Loiterers will be treated as trespassers.” -Notice on Tube Station. No longer laud, my Jane, the ancient wooer Who for the favours of his ladye fayre Would sally forth to strafe the evil-doer Or beard the dragon in his inmost lair ; Find it no more, dear heart, a ground for stray tiffs Because, forsooth, you can’t detect in me A tendency to go out whopping caitiffs Daily from ten till three. He proved himself in his especial fashion, Daring the worst to earn a lover's boon, But I, no less than he a prey to passion, Faced risks as great this very afternoon, When at the Tube a long half-hour I waited (In fond obedience to your written beck) Where loiterers, it practically stated, Would get it in the neck. The liftmen who from time to time ascended To spill their loads (in which you had no part) Regarded me with eagle eyes intended To lay the touch of terror on my heart; But through a wait thus perilously dreary My spirits drooped not nor my courage flinched ; “She cometh not,” I merely sighed, “ 1'm weary And likely to be pinched.” : You came at last, long last, to end my fretting, And now you know how your devoted bard + . wd > . Faced for your sake the risk of fine or getting PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Ocroner 6, 1920. ——» An unaccustomed dose of labour (hard); Ly | ’ BAR. 10 gm Pupil (after mature deliberation), “ Fume-Fusr.” Harbour no more that idiotic notion That love to-day is unromantie, flat ; Gave Lancelot such a proof of his devotion Did Galahad do that ? PAMELA’S ALPHABET. Scene. Pamela's father, in one armchair, is making a praiseworthy effort to absorb an article in a review on “ The Future of British Finance.” In another armchair Pamela's mother is doing some sort of mending. Pamela herself, stretched upon the hearthruq, is reading aloud interesting extracts from a picture-book. A Domestic INTERIOR Pamela (in a cheerful sing-song). A for Donkey Dicky. Her Father. What sort of dicky ? Pamela (eramining the illustration more closely). All ugly black, bissect for his blue mouf. Her Mother (instructively). Not blue; yellow. a beak, not a mouth. f Pamela. I calls it a mouf. He's eating wiv it. (Wits increasing disfavour) A poor little worm he's eating. Don't like him; ‘he's crool. (She turns the page hurriedly and continues) C for Pussy; D for Mick. [This is the name of the family mongrel. That the picture represents an absolutely thoroughbred collie matters nothing toPamela. She spends some time im admiring Mick, then rapidly sweeps over certain illus- trations that fail to attract. Pamela (stopping at the sight of a web-footed fowl, tri- umphantly). G for Quack-quack. - B for And it's

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= : 2 @\ : x NAL RY / 8 ; Way / 3 LZ as AE = ‘ . » a) THE PRINCE COMES

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Octroser 6, 1920.] we PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ‘ 273 | ae | Ee \ \ \ ee «)) Vana \ hy Gok — a \) | y F >. z Uy /, y, = Wij \ ; a Me & ZA rt eee Sa ‘aoe Ez - “ I — SS ae | A A Ns eEaN| | Zz AM". PA A A BZ Nh, ZAI he 2 E42 } \“Y7 Ys Ye . MORE OUTLINES OF HISTORY. Sailor. “Wr HAVE JUST SEEN SOMI Columbus. “Was THERE ANY CHEWING-GUM?” Columbus, “THen 1T MUST BE THE West INDIES WE'RI Her Father. Oh,come, Pamela, that’s not a quack-quack ; that's a goose. It makes quite a different noise. Inticipating an immediate demand for a qoose’s noise he clears his throat nervously. | Pamela (with authority). This one isn’t making any noise. | It’s jus’ thinking. (Her father accepts the correction and | swallows again.) H for Gee-gee. Stupid gee-gee. Her Father. Why stupid ? Pamela. ’Acos its tail looks silly. Her Father (glancing at the tail, which bears some resem- blance to an osprey's feather). You're right; it does. Her Mother. I wonder whether it's wrong to let children get accustomed to bad drawings ? Her Father. Pamela doesn't get accustomed—she criti- cises. If it weren’t for a silly tail here, a stupid face there, her critical faculty might lie for ever dormant Pamela (having turned over four or five pages with one grasp of the hand, as if determined to suppress the unsatis- factory horse). R for Bunny. Her Mother. No, dear, Rabbit. R for Rabbit. B for Bunny. Pamela (gently). No; Bis for Dicky. The ugly dicky wis the blue mouf, Her Father (rashly). The blackbird. Pamela (conscious of superior knowledge). That isn't its name. That’s what it looks like, all black; but its name is Dicky. B for Dicky. Her Father, Well, have it your own way. What does S stand for? ‘ Pamela (turning to the likeness of an elderly quadruped, with great assurance). Baa-lamb! Her Father. Sometimes we call baa-lambs sheep. Pamela. I don’t. Her Father. You will when you grow older. ORANGE-PEEL AND B ANANA-SKINS FLOATING ON THE Sailor. “No, Sir.” COMING TO, AND I’p HOPED IT WAS GOING STARBOARD, Sir.” ro BE America,” till next birfday. (Pushing her book away and assuming an air of extreme infancy) Tired of reading. back, please ! Her Father ( firmly taking up his review again). Not just now. I’m busy with a picture-book. [A reproachful silence falls upon the room. Pamela (presently, in a mournful chant). A for Don-key. B for Dicky —— Want a piggy- The Scene clo fs. FLOWERS’ NAMES. Crow’'s-Foor, Have you noticed that the splendid dreams, the best dreams that there are, Come always in the darkest nights without a single star? When the moonless nights are blackest the best dreams are about ; [’ll tell you why that should be so and how I found it out. There's a bird who comes at night-time, and underneath his wings, All warm and soft and feathery, lie tiny fairy things; He spreads his wings out widely (you see them, not the dark) | | And you hear the fairies whispering, “ Hush! hush!” “I'll tell you!” “Hark!” The bird is black and feathery, but his feet are made of gold ; He chiefly comes in summer-time, for fairies hate the cold ; And if the nights are velvet-dark and full of summer airs He lingers till the sun creeps up and finds him unawares. And so you'll see in summer-time, when all the dew is wet, The footprints of his golden claws maybe will linger yet ; The little golden flower-buds will gleam like golden grain, Pamela. I won't be any older, not for ever so long. Not And if you pick and cherish them perhaps you ‘Il dream again.

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——— 274 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Octoser 6, 1920, a ** Lost, a pure black Pekinese dog, wearing a silver badge marked ‘Cherub.’ Hands “HIAVE YOU EVER BEEN UP IN AN AEROPLANE, GRANDPA?” “No, MY BOY—NOT YET.” ge. ——— os - —————— amma HONOURS EASY |might so easily have left it open. | Mr. Bathurst coughed People aren't. so mercenary as all that.| “That is so?” his wife persisted. | Sew weary lone vs we __ | It stands to reason that anyone staying “Well,” said Mr. Bathurst, after NOT very jong ago the can itd th EP ge ee "ene Oi, s ; : ah , le | advertisements appeared in the same |*® 8" hotel hke this and bringing a] helping himself to another egg, “ let us } 7 P : +. 4,.,| dog with them—always an expensive | hope so, at any rate.” . wath } hay tt, | — ChE WV ch ‘ : ‘ | , I € « t a . | column of The Southshive Datly Gazetts ie tn cal a a TS a “Tt’s 1 mere hove.” said thing t it ind valuing 1t enoug to} ts gone beyond mere hope, sal | } advertise its loss, would behave pro-|his wife triumphantly. “ Listen to reward offered. F. B., Grand Hotel, Bright. | POY When the time came. | this;”’ and she read out the sentence bourne.”’ “| don’t know,” Mr. Bathurst replied. ifrom the second advertisement, “*No ‘* Found, a black Pekinese, wearing a silver * Does nyt] ing stand toreason? The! reward required.’ There,” she added, badge marked ‘Cherub.’ No reward required. | ordinary dog-thief, holding upan animal | “isn’t that proof? I'll go round to Phe Limes, Cheviot Road, Brightbourn to ransom, might be deterred from re-| Cheviot Road directly after breakfast II | turnir g it if no mention of money was |and say how grateful we are, and bring | On the same morning the paper was made. You remember we decided on the darling back.” j opened and scanned almost simultane j th at III. | ously by Mrs. Frederic k Bathurst inj “Oh, n I don't think so. Z ul Meanwhile at “The Limes ” Mr. } the sitting-room which she and he: }merely had your way again, that was! Hartley Friend was pacing the room | husband occupied at the Grand Hotel,/ all. I was alwavs against offering a| with impatient steps. and by Mr. Hartley Friend in the lreward. And the word ‘handsome’ too.| “Ido wish vou would try to be less morning-room at “ The Limes.’ |In any case I never agreed to that | impulsive,” he was saying to his wife. ‘l“ Anything in the nature of business to leave “Oh, Fred,” exclaimed Mrs. Bathurst. | Y: ; “Cherub has been found. He's all| Mrs. Bathurst continued. “I knew it safe at a house called ‘The Limes,’ in| in some curious way—in my bones, as Cheviot Road. Isn't that splendid ? ’ they say—that the fineness of Cherub’s iputthatin later. Another thing,” | | you would be so much wiser ito me.’ | «What is it now?” Mrs. Friend asked mocence, its radiant friend- | with perfect placidity | “ Very good news,” said her husband nature, its in } a 7 mean *9 ty +y +* mi: 7? . ‘“s § Bee told you not to worry. liness, would overcome any sordidness| “This dog,” said her husband, “ that ee It +e direct answer to prayer, | in the person who found him, poor dar- | fastened itself on you in this deplorable said Mrs. Bathurst. “ But— ” jing, all lost : : n a t and unhappy. No one | way— whatever possessed you to rush But wnat . her husband ingu red. } who nas deen much with that simple | into print about it > bey me jut I do wish you had taken my | sweet character could fail to be the “Of course I rushed, as you say. advice ‘Yr anv rewar | cant ey are mm.: ° , > womes | ice not to offer any reward. You | better for it. Think of the feelings of the poor woman Aa een

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ad ee ed Ocroser 6, 1920.] _FUNCH, OR THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARI. 275 who has lost her pet. It was the only kind thing to do.” «“*Poor woman’ indeed! I assure you she's nothing of the sort. One would think you were a millionaire to be ladling out benefactions like this. | «No reward required.’ Fancy not even | asking for the price of the wilvertise- | | ment to be refunded!” “But that would squalid.” have you. Justice isn’t squalor. It ’s—it’s justice. As for your ‘poor woman,’ listen to this.”’” And he read out the Bathurst advertisement with terrible . i jemphasis on the words “ Handsome | | reward offered.” “ge —-‘ handsome ” . . . . i | “Yes, [ hear,” said his wife amiably ; '“but that isn’t my money.” idea of making “T hope you don’t suppose it’s mine,” said her husband. “ But there is such a thing as common sense. Why on earth the accident of this little brute the expense of an advertisement and a | certain amount of food and drink I'm | hanged if I can see.” | «Well, dear,” said his wife with the | same amiability, “if you can’t see it | | can’t make you.” IV. | A few minutes later the arrival of “a lady who’s come for the Peek” was announce d. | “No,” said Mr. Friend rose, “leave it to me. i it as his wife I'll deal with . The situation is very delicate.” | “How can I thank you enough,” be- | gan Mrs. Bathurst, “for being so kind |} and generous about our little angel ? | My husband and I agreed that nothing | more charmingly considerate can ever | have been done.” | At this point Mrs. Friend followed | her husband into the room, and Mrs. Bathurst renewed her expressions of | gratitude. * But at any rate,” she added to her, “you will permit me to defray the cost of the advertisement ? I could not allow you to be at that expense.” Before Mrs. Friend could speak her husband intervened. “No, madam,” he said, “I couldn’t think of it. Please don’t let the mention of money vulgar- | ize a little friendly act like this. We | are only too glad to have been the | Neans of reuniting you and your pet.” KE. V. L, “ Rufford Abbey is, of course, a wonderful old place, and all the front, from gable to gable, is genuine te nth-century, built m 1159.” Sunday Tones. [t looks as if the ea’ canny idea was been 80 | “*Squalid!’ I’ve no patience with | “Do you hear that | following us home should run us into | . } :Y t i i} “ t , | \ | } | | | | | | \ | hood, where a strike AT THE PLAY. « FAVERY Woman's PrIviILEGR.” Wuen Dahlia refused the hand of a wealthy middle-aged nut, with faultless knickerbockers and a gift for lueu- brated epigrams, preferring to throw in her lot (platonically) with a young and penniless social reformer, we took no notice of those who feared a scandal (*‘ scandals are not what they were,” as she said), nor of the girl’s assertion that she had no use for the alleged romance of marriage. We were con- fident that the little god whose image, with bow and arrow, stood in the garden of Dahilia’s ancestral home, would put things right for us in the end. Yet we were not greatly annoyed when he made a mess of his business and married her not so new as we thought it. a to the wrong man; for in the mean- ~ - ~ } > ~~ - —~. o a -” ~ ~ ~ ~ Lady ith Pram (iho has been potting out fo ne mer the beautu of the me our- threatened). “Tuat’s ONE oF Tae ’Or ’Kaps.” time such strange things had been allowed to occur and the night man had proved such a disappointment that we didn’t much care what happened to anybody. It was the rejected lover, Mortimer Jerrold, who conceived two bright ideas |for conquering her independence of mind, apparently for the benefit of his rival. First he contrived to get Harold Glaive, the young socialist, selected as a candidate for Parliament, hoping (if I read the gentleman's motive rightly) that his probable failure would touch the place where her heart should have been. This scheme did not go very well, for he was chosen to contest the seat held by Dahlia’s own father (which caused a lot of trouble), and in the result beat him. Meanwhile Jerrold had had an alter- SSSR a TS SE OI | | t | | | rer agen) eget a Oma sneteninerme sateen smaininsnsinntna

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| made a show of assaulting her modesty | marry him. 276 native brain-wave. He thought that if he pinched the latchkey of Dahlia’s Bloomsbury flat, broke in at night, and he could prove to her that she was only a poor weak woman after all, Nothing, you would say, could well have been more stupid. Yet, according to Mr. Hastinas Turner's showing (and who were we to challenge his authority ?) it came off We were, in fact, asked to believe that a girl who had protested her freedom from all sense of sex was suddenly made | conscious of it by the violence of a man whose advances, when decently con- ducted, had left her cold; and from that moment developed an inclination to An assault by a tramp or an apache would apparently have served almost as well for the purpose. If this is “Every Woman’s Privilege” it is fortunate that so few of them get the chance of exercising it. Miss Maniz Lone herself came very well out of a play that can hardly add to the author's reputation. Her per sonality lent itself to part which demanded a blend of feminine charm with a boyish contempt for romance. And she had a few good things to say. It was not Mr. Hauuarn’s fault if he failed to win our perfect sympathy for a hero whom the heroine addressed as “Spats.” As for Mr. Basin Ratunonr, who played the part of Harold Glaive, I cannot imagine why he took it on. Apart from his timorous declaration of love, conveyed on a typewriter, there was no colour in it, and nothing what ever toshow why his passion petered out I think that the author, in his surprise at the success of //arold’s rival, must have forgotten all about it. Mr. Hernerr Ross was excellent as Dahlia’s father, a pleasantly futile baronet under the thumb of a sour-tongued managing female, an old-fashioned part in which Miss He.en Rous has nothing to learn. Miss Vane Fratnerston, as the lady who finally absorbed the baronet, did her little gratuitous piece all right. I cannot get myself to believe that all these intelligent actors are under any illusion as to the merits of the comedy. With the best wishes in the world for the success of Miss Martie Léur's enterprises, | am bound to re gard it as yet another instance of a play where the attractions of the leading part have a little deranged the judgment of the actor-manager. O.S. a “Tue Crossina.” Mr. ALaernon Buackwoop and Mr. Bertram Forsytu (assisted by Mr. Donatp Caururor) present to us in The Crossing a certain Mr. Anthony Grimshaw, a princely egotist of the pootic-idealist type who gets up on the o- hearth-rug and says to his family, “1 am a humanitarian before everything,” and things like that, and then wonders why his wife is estranged from him. He has a daughter, Nixie, who is not old enough to know how bad all this is, and together they hear the wind singing glees without words (or in Volapuk, but anyway not intelligible to us poor normais), a thing Mr. ALGERNON Buack- woop has been doing or pretending to \do for years without once taking me in. Anthony is run over and (as we say) \fter an extraordinarily tiresome conversation in the morning-room with his friend and his son and his mother (who are also what people call dead) it dawns upon him that something odd has happened to himself also. His wife and two children, after dies. his {SO called) lenaervoes Richard Petafor (Mr, Huperr Harpe), the apostle of Materialism and Physical Exercise, trying to convert Antony Grimshaw (Mr. Her BERT MansHauy.), the believer in Mysticism and Armchairs. death, become blissfully happy and set to work to finish his book, that being, as they think, his wish. Well, 1 won- der. At any rate in death (as we say) he was not divided—from his egotisms. One knows well enough, alas, how the temptation to spiritual drug-taking has grown as the result of the accumu- lated sorrows of these past years, but it is not well that such a treatment of the eternal question should be taken seriously. Is this sort of thing really better than the harp-and-cloud theory ? It is not. One looked in vain for any trace of real vision, any true sense of the height and depth of the problem. Mr. Marsan struggled quite man- fully with the part of Anthony, and of course he had his moments. I hope so good a player is not developing the -UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | ableanticipation than one sits down with s ee [Octoner 6, 1990. “actor's pause,” of which | detected signs. Miss Irene Rooker had nothing in particular to do and did it very well. Mr. Hupertr Haren as the impenitent profiteer from Lancashire. inthony's brother-in-law, was better suited than [ have seen him for some time, and provided the very necessary relief. The precocious children infuriated me, but that is purely temperamental The actors who played the parts of those who had * crossed ” were wrapped m such an atmosphere of gloom, to the strains of such meretricious music that (on the evidence) I can only advise people to defer their crossing as long as possible ; a thing they will doubtless do, even if they havea friendlier feelir religion than I can comn am afraid I proved a bad ¢ to the new land. ... I] ullor. TT, TWO STUDIES IN CRITICISM (Werth grateful acknowled MUSICAL pments to The Times" and * The Morning Post.” : | We had quite a hectic time at the | Philharmonic [ nearly wrote the Phillemonade—concert last night, what with two Czechs, Dabcik and Ploffskin, | slabs of WAGNER, and Carl Walbrook's Humorous Variations, “The Quangle Wangle,” by Carl himself, If the honest truth be told, we sat down to the Variations with no more pleasur conducted in the dentist's chair, preparatory to the application of gags, electric drills and | other instruments of odontological tor- ture. (Strange, by the way, that no modernist has translated the horrors | of the modern Tusculum into terms of | sound and fury!) But we were most | agreeably surprised to find ourselves | following every one of the forty-nine | Variations with breathless interest. Mr. Walbrook is indeed a case of the de- | formed transformed. We found hardly | a trace of the poluphloisboisterous pom- | posity with which he used to camou- | tlage his dearth of ideas, His main | theme is shapely and sinuous, and its | treatinent in most of the Variations | titillated us voluptuously. But, since it is the function of the criticto criticise, let us justify our rdle by noting that the | scoring throughout tends to vlutinous ness, like that of the pre-war Carlsbad plum ; further, that a solo on the muted | viola against an accompaniment of sIXx- teen sarrusophones is only effective if the sarrusophones are prepared to roar like sucking - doves, which, as Lear would have said, “they seldom if ever do.” Still, on the whole the Variations arrided us vastly. : It was a curious but exhilarating experience to hear the Bohemians, the ne

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—————____PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL = | 2 & 5 Z ee ee A NE Rein ae ss 1 OR NEE ee eng | THE DREAM OF BLISS. |

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PUNCH, OR THE oe ny) | Ty ta 4 iy If (AQ ~ _ re YJSRiIOG« Fussy Old Party (who likes to make sure). “ Ani YOU CERTAIN YOt Driver (to Conductor). “’Err, BILL, WE ake CARELESS. SOMEONE MUST LOOKING.” HAVE | | | Sane . | | % . a os . 7 rH + Net 3 . J playboys of Central Europe, interpreted | occasion served for the launching under in the roast-beef-and- plum - pudding | favourable circumstances of what con- style of the Philharmonic at its beefiest | stitated the chief landmark of the pro- and plummiest. Dabgik survived the | graimme—a set of orchestral variations treatment fairly well, but poor Ploffskin | with the quaint title of “The Quangle was simply stodged under. But they} Wangle,” from the prolitic _ pen of were in the same boat with Rrcnarp| Mr. Carl Walbrook. © It is satisfactory the Elder, whose Venusberg music was | to be able to record the gratifying fact given with all the orgiastic exuberance | that this work met with cordial accept- of a Temperance Band at a Sunday-|ance. In the interests of serious art, School Treat, recalling the sarcastic | the borrowing of a title from one of the jape of old Hans Ricuter during the! works of a writer so addicted to levity rehearsal of the same work: “ You play | as Epwarp Lear may perhaps be depre- it like teetotalers—which you are | cated, but there can be no doubt of the not.” Yet the orchestra were lavish | ingenuity and sprightliness with which of violent sonority where it was not} Mr. Walbrook has addressed himself required ; the well-meaning but unfor- | to, and accomplished, his task. If we tunate Mr. Orlo Jimson, who essayed | cannot discover in his composition the the “Smithy Songs” from Svegfried,| manifestation of any pronounced indi- being submerged in a very Niagara of | viduality or high artistic uplift, it none noise. WAGNER'S scoring no doubt is | the less commands the respect due to “a bit thick,” but then he devised a| the exhibition of a vigorous mentality special “ spelunk” (as Bacon says) for |combined with a notable mastery of his orchestra to lurk in, and there is| orchestral’ resource and mellifluous | no cavernous accommodation at the|modulation. At the conclusion of the Queen’s Hall. performance Mr. Walbrook was con- strained to make the transit from the artistes’ room to the platform no fewer than three times before the applausive zeal of the audience could be allayed. The remainder of the scheme was copious and well-contrived. Pleasur- able evidence of the friendly interest shown in the fortunes of the Czecho- Slovakian Republic was forthcoming II. Though fashion considers September as an unpropitious time for the produc- tion of novelties, the scheme arranged for the patrons of the PhilharmonicCon- cert last night, under the direction of Sir Henry Peacham, was successful in bringing together an audience of emi- nently respectable dimensions. The PINCHED 0. ——— GO TO. TUNBRIDGE WELLS?” THE NAME-BOARDS WHEN V WER composers of that interesting race— Messrs. Dabcik and Ploffskin —of which it may suffice to say that the temperamental peculiarities of the Bohemian genius were elicited with conspicuous brilliancy under the inspir- ing direction of Sir Henry Peacham. In a voeal item from Svegfried, Mr. Orlo Jimson evinced a sympathetic appreci- ation of the emotional needs of the situ- ation which augurs favourably for his further progress, and the powerful support furnished him by the orchestra was an important factor in the enjoy- ment of his praiseworthy efforts. An almost too vivacious rendering of the Venusberg music brought the scheme to a strepitous conclusion, It may, how- ever, be submitted that so realistic an interpretation of the Pagan revelries depicted by the composer is hardly in accordance with the best traditions of the British musical public. “There is no such thing as infallibility i rerum nature.”—Provincial Paper. Nor, apparently, in journalistic Latin. “ Reward.—Bedroom taken Tuesday, 27th, between Holborn and Woburn-place. A basket and umbrella left.”—Datly Paper. We compliment the victim of this theft on his courtesy in calling the thieves attention to their oversight. —_—_—

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Seed Ocrozer 6, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) Tue long-promised Herbert Beerbohm Tree (Hurcntixsos), than which I have expected no book with more impatience, | turns out to be a volume full of lively interest, though rather an experiment in snap-shot portraiture from various angles than a full-dress biography. Mr. Max Brersoum has arranged the book, himself contributing a short memoir of his brother, which, together with what Lady Tree aptly calls her Reverie, fills some two-thirds of it with the more intimate view of the subject, the rest being supplied by the outside appreciations of friends and colleagues. If to sum up my impression of the resulting picture it bein the word “ happiness.” ] were would Not without reason did the TREES name a daughter Feticiry. Here was a life spent in precisely the kind of success that held most delight for the victor—honour, love, obedience, troops of friends; all that Macbeth missed his exponent enjoyed in flowing mea- sure. Perhaps TREE was never a great actor, because he found existence too “full of a number of things”; if so he was something considerably jollier, the enthusiastic, often inspired amateur, approaching each new part with the zest of a brief but brilliant enthusiasm. I suppose no popular favourite ever had his name associated with more good stories and wit, original and vicarious. Despite some enter- taining extracts from his commonplace book I doubt if this side of him is quite worthily represented ; at least nothing LONDON CHARIVARL 279 ‘EM FOR ME.” | In the prefatory chapter of | Mr. ARNOLD | tackling his theme on strictly scientific principles. Our Women (CAssELL) 3ENNETT coyly disclaims any intention of The | warning is perhaps hardly necessary, since, apart from the duty which the author owes to his public as a novelist rather than a philosopher, the title alone should be a suffi- cient guide. One would hardly expect a serious zoologist, for | instance, in attempting to deal with the domesticated fauna, | | to entitle his work Our Dumb Friends. The book is divided |in the main between adjuration and prophecy. As a result of their emancipation from economic slavery, Mr. BENNETT |expects women—women, that is to say, of the “ top class,” las he calls it—to adopt more and more the réle of pro- |fessional wage-earners; but at the same time he insists j thas they do not as yet take themselves seriously enough |as professional housekeepers. How the two functions are \to be combined it is a little difficult to see, but apparently | women are to retain a profession as a stand-by in case they |fail to marry or to remain married. At the same time | Mr. Bexnetr takes it for granted that woman will never poctencsrs her position as a charmer of man, or even the luse of cosmetics and expensive lingerie. Speaking neither las a novelist nor as a philosopher, I cannot help feeling that Mr. Bennett is tco apt to consider the things he | particularly likes about women to be eternal, and those |that he does not like so much to be susceptible of alteration and improvement. Anyhow, it looks as if Our Men were | going to have rather a thin time. here quoted beats Lady TrEr’s own mot for a mendacious | newspaper poster—Canard d la Press. Possibly we are still to look for a more official volume of reference ; meantime the present memoir gives a vastly readable sketch of one whose passing left a void perhaps unexpectedly hard to fill. Miss Beatrice Harrapen calls her latest story Spring Shall Plant (HoppER AND StouGcuton). She might equally well have called it The Successes of a Naughty Child. ‘Certainly it is chiefly concerned with the many triumph-

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280 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. a [Octoser 6, 1920, ant insubordinations of Patuffa (whom I suspect of having been encouraged by her too challenging name) both at home | and at the various schools from which she either ran away or was returned with thanks. This is all mildly attractive if only from the vivacity of its telling; but I confess to having felt a mild wonder whether a child’s book had not got on to my table by error—when the grown-ups suddenly | began to carry on in a way that placed all such doubts at | rest. There was, for example, a Russian lady, godmother ! mise much more rest- | . | ful reading than a | book | of Patuffa, who escaped from somewhere and established herself, with others of her kind, in an attic in Coptic Street. My welcome for this interesting fugitive was to some extent shaken by a realisation that she was (so to speak) a refugee from the other side and, in a sense, a spiritual ancestress of Bolshevism. Miss Harrapen would however object, and justly, that the clean-purposed conspirators of the earlier revolution had little in common with the unsavoury individuals who at present obscure the Russian dawn. Soon after this, Patuffa’s papa begins to go quite dreadfully a ever dropping into mere mawkishness. A great pity, I think, that it was not published rather as based on childish | memories than as the actual printed script of a prodigy, Moon Mountains (Hurst AnD BuackeEtt) is a story which with the best will in the world I found it impossible to regard wholly seriously. The greater part of the scene is laid in Darkest Africa, where the father of the hero, Peter (my hope | that the Peter habit had blown over appears to have been | premature), disappears at an early stage. Tho subsequent | course of events reminds me of the words of the musical- comedy poet, popular in my youth, who wrote, “It were better for you rather not to try and find your father, than to find him ’’—well, certainly better than to find him as | Peter found his. Perhaps it would not be unfair to suppose that Miss Marcaret Peterson had at this point her eye already firmly fixed upon her big situation. Certainly the course of Peter is rather impatiently and spasmodically sketched till the moment when matters are sufliciently ad- | off the rails, even to the extent of wishing to elope with her governess and even- tually losing all his money and shooting himself. There was also a famous violinist iv —well, you can see already that Patuffa's vernal experiences were on generous lines. It is to the credit of } all concerned that she | and her story retain | an appreciable charm under adverse con- ditions. Nothing, one would imagine, could pro- Np» that concerns = itself with such things as christening robes for caterpillars, the Clerk. “BEG PARDON, SIR NAME . BUT THERE "5 A GENTLEMAN OUTSIDE WHO SAYS THAT YOU'VE ROBBED HIM OF ALL HE HAD.” Turf Accountant. “WELL, WHAT’S HIS NAME? How am I TO DISTINGUISH HIM IF HE DOESN'T SEND HIS NAME IN?” vanced to ship him also to Africa, in company with an elderly hunter of but- terflies named Mellis, | Their adventuresform |the bulk of the tale (filled out with some chat about elephants, 'and a sufficiency of | love-making on the |part of Peter), and I suppose I need hardly tell you how one of them, poor Meilis, is immediately captured and brought before the terrible white king lof the hidden lands, inor how this same monarch, a really dreadfully unpleasant person, turns out to be—— Precisely. So | there the tale is; little ASK HIM TO GIVE YOU His dyeing blue of white chickens and searches among Californian | lilies and pine-trees for the soul of a hog unseasonably de- funct. | believe anything just because it is told it should, the peace- | But, since this most uncharitable age refuses to ful pages of The Diary of Opal Whiteley (PurNam) are unfor- tunately fussed over with a controversy that no one who reads them can quite escape. Miss WuHITELey’s diary is pre- sented with every circumstance of solemn asseverat ion as the unaided work of a child of seven, only now pieced together by the writer after quite a number of years. If you care to throw yourself into the argument you will certainly find heaps of reasons for thinking unkind thinks, as the write: would say, of the truth of this claim, particularly in the completeness with which every incident is carried through various stages to its literary finish; but, if you will be ruled by me, you will try to forget anything but the book itself, with its quite charming pictures of many animals and one little girl, their understanding friend. The quaint idiom in which the diary is supposed to have been written (or, of course, was written) adds to thedelight of a rather uncommon feeling for nature at its simplest, while the scrapes for which | the small heroine receives (or, you may say, is alleged to : receive) well-deserved punishment p reserve the book from its kind; and if you have no rooted objection to characters all of whom behave like persons who know they are in a | more incredible than, | 1I dare say, most of | book there is no reason why you should not find it at | least passably entertaining. Mr. F. Brerr Youna’s manner of presenting The Tragu Bride (SeckEr) is not free from affectation, and this is the more irritating because his literary style is in itself admir- ably unpretentious. But having recorded this complaint I gladly go on to declare that his tale of Gabrv lle Hewish has both charm and distinction. I protest my belief in Gabrielle both in her Irish and English homes, but my protest would have been superfluous if Mr. Brerr Youne had not almost super-taxed my powers of belief. So also with Arthur Payne ; he is a fascinating lad, and the battle between his mother and Gabrielle for possession of him was a royal struggle, fought without gloves yet very fairly All the same I caught myself doubting once or twice whether any boy could at ‘the same time be so human and so inhuman. It is to Mr. Brerr Youna’s credit that these doubts do not interfere with one’s enjoyment of his book, and the reason is that he is first and last and all the time an artist. sn

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OcroneR 13, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 281

CHARIVARIA. Mr. R1azanovy, the successor to Kam- ENEFF, is now residing in Grosyenor Street. Several readers have written to ask us how his name is pronounced. Wrongly, we believe, in nine cases out of ten. se We have been given to understand that that versatile pair, the Two Boss, are contemplating a tour of the music- halls in the mining district, where they are sure to be given a rousing reception. * * According to T: he E vening News two miners recently played a quoit match for a hundred pounds. In all probability

they are now agitating for the two shil- The ex-Kaiser is reported to have made his will. He has bequeathed his trial to his youngest grandson. ae It is proposed to make Poole a first- class port, at a cost of £3,750,000. We cannot help thinking that hidden away in some Government office is a man who could do it at treble the cost. A London firm of pastrycooks have purchased two obsolete tanks from the Disposal Boards. They are said to make excellent utensils for flattening pancakes. o< A dainty little invention has just been tried by the Bolshevists, which consists of a method whereby boiling water from

sons to a women’s class in knitting. It is said that his treatise on How to Crochet a Burst Bath-Pipe is likely to become a standard work. Se In taking away a safe containing six thousand pounds from a Fenchurch Street office, burglars broke down a door with a thick glass panel. The pro- fession is of the opinion that the blame for this lies with the firm. They had locked the door. i * The Daily Chronicle informs us that a New York couple who were engaged in 1868 have just been married. But surely the wonder is that they were not married long before.

lings’ increase to enable them to have a little side bet. * “We cannot choose how we will be born,” says a medical writer. No; some are born poor and others are born into a miner's family. * & , * . “Where stands Eng- land to-day?’ we are asked. While travelling in the Tube we have often thought that most of it was standing on our feet. “With the outgoing of September we face once more the month of October, with its falling leavesand autumn gales,”

Cal! ] MN th

THE MORNING TOILET. “On, Loox, Mummy! THere's WILFRED DOING HIS HAIR FROM MEMORY.” A woman has told the medical officer of Burn- ham that rats so like the poison being used that they come out of their holes for it while it is being put down. We always make our rats stand up and beg for it. A domestic servant was recently blown out of her mistress’s house through the too liberal use of paraffin whilst lighting fires. Luckily, however, it was her day out, so no complications ensued. , . On being asked his re- cipe for keeping young, a | well-known physician re- . |fused to reply. In view ! of the increasing number

States a writer in a daily paper. This, we understand, cording to precedent. is ac- A Glamorgan collier, summoned for income-tax, stated that he earned eleven pounds a week and wanted every penny of it. It is said that he is saving up to buy a strike of his own. A live frog is reported to have been found in a coal seam at a Monmouth- shire colliery. It seems to have been greatly concerned at haying missed the previous strike ballot. With reference to Mr. SPENDER’s inter- view with Mr. Luoyp Grorce we regret that no mention is made of the exact date when the Prime MInisTER will declare the New World open. Since it has been so well advertised we understand that the banned poster, “The Unknown,” is shortly to be re- named “ The Very Well Known.”

the ship's boiler can be pumped on’ to sailors who do not obey their officers. It is said to be just the thing to keep their minds off the idea of mutiny. “T have all the qualifications for a post in some Government office,’’ writes an Unemployed Ex-Soldier in a con- temporary. It is to be hoped that this drawback will be overlooked if his other disqualifications are sat isfactory. Washable hats for boys is one of the new inventions at the Leather and Shoe Trade Exhibition. Small boys are now going about in fear that the next dis- covery will be a washable neck. Six bandits entered the Central Café, New York, the other day and took one thousand pounds from the diners. The ease with which they did it suggests that they were mistaken for waiters.

A plumber in Aberdeen is giving les-

of precocious authors, the question again arises, ‘“‘ Should a doctor tell?” The Daily Express states that there is very little demand for champagne to-day.” We fancy this is due to the fact that a number of people are saving up to buy coffee at Messrs. Lyons’.

‘‘The Passionate Spectator.” We are asked to say that the above title of a book written by Miss Jane Burr and published by Messrs. Duck- WoRTH (it is described on the wrapper as “an entirely unconventional novel founded on original and ultra-modern views concerning life and marriage”) has nothing to do with our respected contemporary.

** GOVERNMENT'S STRIKING ATTITUDE. Waltine TILL THe Carn JumBs?”’ Nigerian Proneer. Personally we always try to get out

when this seems to be imminent.

VOL. CLIX, ¥

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rn 282 PUNCH, OR THE _LON ‘(DON CHAR IV ARI. Odinenies 4 13, , 1990, LA ekcsss\\|\|. ee PRESS as it is proving in _ F wee to- | and it must be infinitely thorougl TO OUR PLAY-MAKERS. f rough and day, and the conduct of that unhappy infinitely systematic, so that, side by [The Daisy and The Crossing, which both | country’s affairs is now plunged in alside with the eontinuor iS grievances of | dealt with the life after death, have come to| chaos so profoundly chaotic that it has | all dissatisfied parties, w an untimely end; and, in deference to public ill be the cer- become a gross misuse of language to} tain assurance that those grievanes: i “Sie ’ Ze « - i i t au thos grievances feeling, the heroine of Every Woman's Privt- fai age . Br 3 : ‘ r 1em affairs at all. Out of all this | will in strict rotation b madin lege has been furnished with a fresh fiance. call them affa ded tesa let rotation e remedied, W . r I sj welter and confusion two salient facts “The objection will, of course. be HEN In my stall at eve 1 sit are seen to emerge :- raised that these conti ‘(1) No two Englishmen are agreed | of government will involve a certain upon a settlement that will at the same | amount of disorder: that ; tual langes (And these remarks would still apply, changes Perhaps with greater force, were I British Empire. (2) No two Irishmen are either. ‘ At the same time the number of sane | inconvenient ; that everything, in fact. The views of parties who have“ crossed” | 40d carefully conside red plans for the | will bein a muddle. But by how mueh (Meaning to Jordan's further shore), | Zovernment of Ireland was never so} is not well-organised (+ - € yi? t muadcdie to be pre- Those, as they say, who've “gone | #reat as it 1s to day. When will our | ferred to unsystematic anarchy? And alterations in the personnel of the judi- I want a mirror held to life, cature. civil aly and police will ‘a But not the life beyond the tomb. 2 ; tila one system Kh} ate » P a | “+ ’ = ‘ ! Accommodated in the ] 1b) : time sat isfy the just aspirations of [re = | wil scarcely be working before it a | Worn with the long day’s dusty strife, land and preserve the integrity of the | superseded by another; that the rapid | Task a brief surcease of gloom ; | j | before.” incompetent Cabinet perceive that the|as each type of government recurs in But not (unhappily) been “ lost "— only way « f warding off the stain of | due course will it not be found to work | They make me ill; they decompose perfidy which dogs their footsteps and | more simply and satisfact milly ? My vital essence at its fount threatens to overwhelm them is to make «To those who shrug their shoulders (Excepting Barrie's Mary Rose, use of all these plans? I put aside for | and say that a series of k leidoseopie But then, of course, he doesn’t count), | the moment the most violent proposals | changes in Irish administration would of the extremists on either side, such as | never be ap proved by the good sense that of the annexation of England bythe | of the British electorate | can only Sinn Fein Empire and that of the de-| urge that it is precisely this attitude portation of all lrishmentothe Andaman | of intolerance towards and ignorance |Islands and the re-colonisation of the | of Irish psychology which has rendered country with correspondents to thedaily | our behaviour to Ireland for so many press ; but between these two extremes | centuries a by-word not only throughout there surely lie innumerable solutions | Europe but the whole ae me the life that quick men lead, f which I know the hopes and fears ie than those of shadier spheres; | And, if at first you don’t succeed, If you should hear the critics croak, ‘As to your heroine's choice, you err, Just hand her to the other bloke civilised world — That’s what they did with MARIE} which both can and ought to be em-|and the United States of America. LOnR. |ployed. I will only name here a few “T am, Sir, yours, ete.” : lof 2m °— So shall creative art suggest | of them : Through some accident or other A world where people may revise | AsquitH autonomy. eithe 2 co “ 1 epee, foll a ; . > 1Lhe) iOCWUSe Dave not OLLO i Their silly past, and realise Dominion Home Rule. cilia ith aeantathed rules of (anal Those second thoughts which are the DUNRAVEN autonomy, exeocoy chet, Aepampgpameet gangstas , GREY autonom, petition, such as writing on one side of | O86 | = 5 a° 1 ‘ : ; megs | Where, having seen the larger light, Red autonomy. tie Natio ark 1Clul a ol : ave ‘ . = 2 ‘ ¢ . il or é | A perfect liberty to hedge Government by Dhail Eireann. the National Liberal Club, or o Bars And swap the wrong man for the right Government by Dhail Ymaill. ae apenas ae Spe since The Tis J c. & Mineey Wasin's Peivilene.” Administration by the L.C.C. son has not yet appeared in fhe hese - 0.8 Clan warfare . or in The Westminster Gazette either. | “And there are infinite shades and Feeling it a pity, rinets that any YET ONE MORE PLAN FOR IRELAND. | variations of all these. helpful suggestion should be lost at a | “Every one of the policies I have | tme when never in the annals of Irish named, and as many more as possible, misgovernment has vacation vacil- should now be adopted at once, one lated so vacillatingly as it does to-day, after the other, I suggest, for quarterly I have repeated my strong but simple periods and in alphabetical order. proposals here. 3ut let there be no mistake. They must be strictly enforced. It must be FEELING rather lonely because almost everybody had entered for the great Irish Problem Competition in the morn- ing and evening press except myself, I sat down and wrote the following solu- tion, which I posted immediately to the i it ) | 4 i “ Fie eagtae si ‘Clever forgeries of Fisher notes are j rs he rs £ lt: . " Editors = a Time ’ and of The Wy est impossible for Lrishmen to come to} circulation in St. Pancra | _ - , . ; + nring } riod i1um- sprog cg , England in the future and say to her,|, L4st night, during the busy period, a nun “Sir "—I began indignantly, for I +a ber of publications in the Kentish Town dis- as they have so often said in the past, | |" Bo ccqneire se sey eae 1 Paper qe ’ ‘ ’ trict were victimised. ven aper. You made us promises which, when 4 i ; K » Tows ‘ } ¥ that mMNtisi oWD we leant on them, proved a broken We had no idea that Kentish 20 should have pre ferred of course to have reed and turned to dust and ashes in | W@S such a literary centre. started off with “Comrade” or“ Brother,” | our mouths.’ i . . . J or even, since I was writing from the| noticed all the best ae ipe titors be ein like that. In these Bolshevistic days [| | “One of the bitterest reproaches that ‘Even Paris seems willing ary ay ir heart of the country, have opened with | is hurled, and hurled justly, at British San.» fam Enetias $0 the lenge oT ae sted “ Eh bor,” as people do in dialect novels, | maladministration is that through all pede » ccpthnes gerd "I bis is a8 excellent but, fearing I might be disqualified, [| the } seeming variations of misgovern- itt, nek ool s to endan . } Mw »f : length. not so long as to endanger the chic of began, as I say, “Sir,” and went ment there has been in fact no change. | the costume, nor so short as to be unbecoming much as the other statesmen did : — Dublin Castle remains where it did. |” either sense of the word.”"—Fas/non 0 a In all the lengthy annals of this | This must be altered atonce. The site of | We refrain from any speculations as Government, vacillation between weak- | Dud blin Cc astle must be mor ved every three the pre V10 us length of t hese skirts be- ness and tyr: nny has never proved so | | months. There must be infinite ¢ hange, | fore the *‘ few inches ” were added. on, ew eRe —= PM OED xs eugene ae —

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d | ———— ———— peat nn Sen te ae a = ee ites eee 4 OS® * » ei -ewrt tt titted Fax SS te Se RT, “ orstetye* # gy 1 > (a one rs ee Se Bis Y aNeve ee ‘ ‘ ‘eer ae pf Boutsrevist. “YOUR ATTIPUDE TO BE FRIENDS.” “rt oo ae wher oN >9m me ee PORTS ae See ie etd Pe . te snvet F — (emt OTL AL.- wis! THE CONVINCES ME, POLISH HUG. KAMERAD, : > 6 Ss ‘ ‘ MP RRR ROS Ae PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Ocrower 13, 1920 =e Siete oe 7 pico of THAT Pail ae Be aa erbh RSE +% mf, anf Pen oot AG reer “ ase ad WE WERE Bite MEANT “—"

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR ne [Ocroner 13, 1990, IN THE POCKUT.” | | ELIZABETH OUTWITTED. | “Awn’ when I dies they give me| | fifteen pounds on the nail an’ no| waitin’,” said Elizabeth triumphantly, | | as she explained her latest insurance | scheme. “On what nail?” I asked distrust- fully. I not understand why | Elizabeth felt justified in paying six- pence per week for a benefit fraught | could with so little ultimate joy to herself. | But she is the sort of girl that can| never resist the back-door tout. She | is constantly being persuaded to buy | something for which she pays a small | weekly sum. This is entered in a book, | and the only conditions are that she must continue paying that sum for the rest of her natural lifetime. On these lines Elizabeth has “ put | in” for many articles in the course of her chequered career. She has had fleeting possession of a steel engraving of QUEEN VicTortiA, a watch that never | would go—until her payments ceased | | —-& sewing-machine (treadle), a set of | vases and a marble timepiece. The | timepiece, she explained, was destined for “the bottom drawer,” ‘A gremmertione to play, you | know. “Where will it play?” I asked feebly. jthe place up. My friend ‘as ‘ers goin’ which she| all day long.” of = monercamcomareaee ee Willium (having at critical stage in four-handed game undertaken to spot the red), “'Tis ALL OveR, GEARGE had begun to furnish from the moment a young man first inquired which was her night out. As all these things were taken from her directly her payments fell off, I thought I had _ better give her the benefit of my ripe judgment. “I }shouldn’t buy anything on the instal- ment plan, if 1 were you,” I advised. i ** Some people seem to be made for the |system, but you are not one of them.” “But I ’aven’t told wot I’m buyin’ now,” she said excitedly, putting a plate on the rack as she spoke. I ought to say she meant to put it on the rack: that it fell two inches short wasn’t Elizabeth's fault ‘It was cracked you afore,” she mur oe YH, can be consigned to dwell in the bowels of the earth. Every noise which in the kitchen, from Elizabeth's bad- arises mured mechanically as she gathered up | the fragments. 1 week an’ | gets a grammerfone.” ‘A what?’ I gasped. Ere,” she said, waving a compre- hensive hand; “ an’ it won't ‘arf liven | inage with the butcher's boy to the “ Yes, I pays a shillin’| raucous grind of the knife-machine, echoes through the house where | work. Thus, although Elizabeth kept the kitehen-door shut, I found myself com- pelled for one-half of the day to e nsider an insistent demand as to the ultimate destination of flies in the winter-time. The rest of the day the gramophone gave us K-K-K-Katie. (Elizabeth had id the study only two records to begin with.) { | } } ' | | MY HAND BE stcck | | eerste ——— I stifled a moan of horror, for I am |} one of the elect few who loathe gramo- phones, even at their best and costliest. | “ Elizabeth,” I cried, tears of anguish | rising to my eyes, “let me implore you | not to get one of those horr—I mean, | not to be imposed on again.” “T’ve got it,” she announced. “I} meantersay I’ve paid the first shillin’ | an’ it’s comin’ to-morrow. I ‘ave ita} month on trial.” The month certainly was a trial— | for me. Ours is not one of those old- | fashioned residences with thick walls | that muffle sound, and where s« rvane en en eee NDS ecceaRNNe EI:

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Bt —_ Ocroner 13, 1920.] I became unnerved. My work suf- fered. . It began to trickle back to me accompanied by the regrets of editors ; and to writers the regrets of editors are the most poignant in the world The situation was saved by the most up-to-date tout of the whole back-door He persuaded Elizabeth to go} tribe. in for Spiritualism. Do not misunder stand me. You can be a Spiritualist and also keep a gramophone, but, if you are Elizabeth, you cannot keep the two running at the same time if you must pay a shilling per week for each. When she sought my opinion I strongly advised the séances, which | said were cheap at the price ; indeed I thought they were when the gramo- phone departed. It was now Elizabeth's turn to be come unnerved. She has a mind that is peculiarly open to impressions, and communion with the spirits unbalanced her. She justified her expenditure of a shilling weekly by placing the utmost faith in them. ‘I ‘ad a message from them there spirits larst might,” she informed me one day, “an’ they tell me I must change my ‘abitation.”’ “What do you mean?” I startled. “T put a message through, arskin’ asked, them when I should get a settled young | man, an’ they told me that the fates are agen me in my present dwellin’, so if you'll please take my notice from [ will not go through the sickening formula. very housewife must have heard it several times at least in the past year or so. I accepted Elizabeth's resignation and began to concentrate on newspaper announcements. But | took an utter dislike to the spirits and listened with cold aloofness when Eliza beth began, ‘*T was talkin’ to the spirit of my young man larst night ‘ “I didn’t know you had the spirit of any young man,” | interrupted. “Yes, L'ave. I mean Ned Akroyd, ‘oo was drownded.”’ Now I have never believed in the alleged drowning of the said Ned. The hnews—conveyed to Elizabeth by his mate—that he had fallen from a ferry boat near Eel Pie Island seemed uncon vincing, especially as it happened shortly after Elizabeth had lent him fifteen and-six, ‘I ‘ad quite a long talk with ’im,” she went on. “Next time I'm goin’ to arst ‘im about the fifteen-and-six ‘e borrowed, an’ see if I can’t get it back some'ow.” How the spirit would have considered this proposition is still uncertain, for Klizabeth never returned to the séances. She came to me one day in a state of PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL "935 Ss - os a Ie ~~ | | | | | ——— Wife (to / violent agitation. “ I see Ned Akroyd iwhen I was out larst night,” she began, ‘an’ would you believe it, 'e’s no more dead than Lam, the wretch!” “ Well, aren't you glad?” | inquired, “Glad, an’ ‘im with another girl an’ pretendin’ all the time not to see me! Men are ‘ounds, that 's what they are. An’ I ‘ll go to no more seeonces, They re a swindle.” “They were wrong about telling you to change your habitation too, weren't they?” I suggested insinuatingly. “Course they were."” Suddenly her face brightened. “I'll be able to ‘ave the grammerfone back now,” she said. At the moment I am writing to the sounds of K-K-K-Katie, which, I fear, is giving me rather a syncopated style. usband being bundled in as tvain mores of), “ Dip ye GET RETURN TICKETS?" Husband, “Noa (puff)—pipn'? "AVE TIME.” But if the Editor is k-k-k-kind he will not banish me from P-P-P-Punch for this reason, as anyone can see my inten- tions are g-g-g-good Stay! A-A-A-Aatie has ceased and I can think lucidly. An inspiration has come to me. Has not Elizabeth in her time wrought havoc among my crock- ery? The hour is ripe for me to retaliate. To morrow at dawn I shall examine the gramophone records and—they will come in two in my hands. It will be the first time I have broken any record. “MISUSE OF RESEARCH GRANTS, By Prorrssor - . F.B.S.” Sunday Paper Poster, We refuse to believe it.

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| the whole of their | you find incendiary | for epoch - making | nothing. | left, | don’t fall | then a thousand willing hands will be | stretched forward to pull them off. ' Close the doors so that we | overheard, and I will tell you. | they prefer to call it, | proud of the noise | all that I want | halfpenny a day, runs to six pages, is | contains no advertisements. j i ' | in the centre of the first page. | being the easy thing for the printer to | “ make-up,” { | number, 286 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. en ——., [Octose R 13, 1920, THE CONSPIRATORS. 111. My pear CHarLes,— Essential to that millennium which our restless revolu- tionaries are after is your head on a | charger and my head on a charger; pro- | vided both heads are present it may | he the same charger for all they care. When you think of the importance which we of the detested middle classes attach to our heads and the regrettable | violence we might exhibit towards who- | ever called at our houses to collect them, ' then it seems to me you must confess to a sneaking admiration for the bravery of the turbulent minority in attacking so big a problem. But when you get the inside details of their schemes you find that dis- cretion is not only the better part but valour. For arms speeches ; for am- propaganda, and action you have In that “ nothing” lies their main ingenuity and strong hope. If they can prevail on the masses to do munition, viperish | nothing, at the right moment, and to go on doing nothing till there is nothing then, say they, they will have civilisation under; and if our heads off of their own accord how I know all this. vannot be l buy —“ organ ” being rather ~and there I read to know. It costs a You ask me their continental newspaper well printed and brightly composed and There is generally a picture in thick black lines Blood “feature,” the picture generally deals with the cutting off of heads. If it refers to the past, you and I are cutting off the worker's head, severing from : | fine muscular body a noble head with | a halo to it. | the worker is having our heads off, | severing from a fat and uncontrolled corpus a most unpleasant excrescence If it refers to the future, in a very shiny top-hat. To run a daily newspaper of that without advertisements and for subscribers of whom the larger like myself, omit to pay their | half- -penny, is not easy business. In fact it is not business at all. The question being raised as to where the money came from, the producers tried to allay our suspicion by making a great show of an appeal for help. The pub- lished results, which I give you in their English equivalent, were much as follows: —~ £2. a. B. de M. 6 0 Z. X. 5 0 Ide. 5 O U. W. 5 0 A Fre sso Bel who is ‘ashe ume d of France . 4 6 Young Communist 4 0 Thre e young Communists 8 6 ‘ Great Britain ’’ (collection) 3 8 Disgusted . 2 6 Association of Women F ighters rs for Justice. . . 2 8 Sf) FES : weed 1 0 Down with C apital : 9 One Who will stick at Nothing 3 23 0 Previous lists ©. . . « . 36 @ & £16 9 8} The grand total of sixteen pounds, nine shillings and eight-pence three- farthings shows a magnificent spirit, but wouldn't keep much more than a couple of square inches of the front page alive for more than one day. Reverting, then, to the more pressing question of the removal of our heads, who is paying for the operation ? He is a heavy-built octopus sort of man of about forty-seven ; a red cheery complexion, rather more fat than mus- cle, long grey hair tending to curl at the extremes, and followed about by a lady who acts as his secretary, calls him “ Master” and adores the ground he walks on. They are married, but not, I should hasten to add, to each other ; none of your dull orthodox prac- tices for them. About his profile there is an undeniable something which makes his head a suggestive model for sculpture. It is framed in a large, white, soft silk collar, which falls grace- fully over the lapels of the coat and i Lam told, of a mode much worn among the élite of the anarchist and atheist world. L've a friend here inthe law-and-order business who thought that, having re- ported all the movements of this Master of the Black Arts, he might find it worth while to make his acquaintance in the flesh. Indirect enquiry elicited that the desire to get into touch was reciprocated, the attentions of the police being insufficient to satisfy his sense of importance. So the meeting was arranged, and I was allowed to come along too, We were received in great state in a special suite of the local hotel de luxe. The Lady Secretary was there, over- flowing with “Masters” and “ Sirs, and obsessed by the fear that her idol might not do himself justice in our presence. A very touching instance of human devotion: the fifth instance in his case, | believe. pen as eee This is the gentleman who finances the propaganda of destruction: we asked him if that was not so, and he answered, ‘“ Why, of course.” Had we any fault to find with his protégé, the admirable hs alfpenny daily? We had noticed that its news was punctual and exact. Then of what did we complain { ? “Of a certain exaggeration in the leading articles,” said I, rubbing the back of my neck and wondering how long it would be there to rub and I to rub it. “ But what newspaper leaders are not exaggerated ?”’ he asked. “Your editors should not be paid to twist everything into an irritant,” | protested. “Of which of your great English dailies is the editor not paid to twist, as you put it?” he asked. | knew that I had right on my side and he had not. But still somehow I seemed to be in the wrong all the way. So my friend took the matter in hand, He didn’t argue. He just drew his chair up to the Master’s and asked him to tell us all about himself, how he came by his great ideals, what was the future of the world as he foresaw it and how he meant to arrange the universe when at length he took over ? The Master, gently smiling his ap- preciation of this recognition of his Ego, gave voice. To the lady it was all, of above criticism : sublime, adorable. To me the frankness of it and the un- pudence of it was, I confess, amusing. course, The world is out of joint ; how good ‘twill be When Heaven is sacked and leaves the job to me! An agreeable, if wrong-headed, crank, was my summary. And this or something like it was my friend's :—* b. U.S.A. of ing. parents, 9.5.78; tinned meat business, Chicago; 6 months’ h.]. for frauds in connection with packing ; went to Mexico, but left to avoid prosecution for similat frauds on larger scale; prison in Belgium, France and England in connection with illegal dealings in rifles (? for Germany) ; apparently liable to more prison in U.S.A. for crime unknown, if returns there; won’t say where he gets his money from, but doesn't § seriously pretend it is his own.’ And when I came to go back over the Master’s two hours’ chat about himself, those are about the facts it all boiled down to. Yours ever, (To be continued.) Henry. “ £40.—Handsome Black Silk Golf Goat (large size).”-——Jrish Paper. The very thing for the butting-green. — ce SOA HE ATE ARS APRONS

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a aici

a

Octoper 13, 1920.} PUNC H, OR THE NiL DESPERANDUM. LONDON C

~_ “J SEMI-FPINALISTS,

The Tierra del Fuego Championship. Tas Mr. WINNER Port-HUNTER,

Mr. Porr-HUNTER IN FATAL DIFFICULTIES IN THE SECOND ROUND. FOURTH ROUND.

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ee R THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocronrr 13, 1920, THE KORBAN BATH. { Korban—“ It is a gift” such language) Hlebrew jor some With some reluctance I return to the subject of baths. I went into the matter of bathrooms pretty carefully a few months ago, but since I have been in this hotel I see that there are one or two aspects of hotel bathing which still require attention. To begin with, there is the question of the Korban or free bath. It is, of course, a scandal that a bath should be an extra, and an eighteen-penny one at that. for? Weare not charged extra for smoking in the smoking-room or drawing in thedrawing-room; why should we be bled for bathing in the bathroom? At the same time this practice does provide the visitor with the wholesome sport of Korban bathing. The object of the game is, of course, to have as many baths as possible which are not put down in your bill; and many are the stratagems which are employed. The true sportsman attempts the feat just before dinner, because at that time there are sentries posted in every corridor. Osten- sibly they are maids waiting to assist any lady who has a crisis while dressing, but no real pre- tence is made that they are there for any other purpose than to charge you for as many baths as possible. On my corridor there is a post of no fewer than three sentries, and it is extremely diffi- cult to evade them. The only thing to do is to get to know three | nice ladies on the same floor and arrange for them to have a dress- ing crisis simultaneously and go on having it for about a quarter- of-an-hour. - This needs a good deal of organi- sation. However smoothly the opera- | tion begins, one of the dressing crises | nearly always collapses too soon, and the sentry catches you on your return | journey. For the lady visitor the problem is comparatively simple. I should men- tion that it is a perfectly legitimate manceuvre to get your bath put down | to somebody else if you can do it; and | the crack lady-player usually wraps | herself in an unobtrusive bath-wrap, | shrouds her head, modestly conceals her face, slips into a friend's room to borrow some Créme-Limon and, after an interval, rushes noisily out of the friend’s room to her bath, which, with any luck, is charged to her friend’s account. | | After all, what is the bathroom | “NEVER YO! | Mike A CAMEI "TAIN'T NEARLY AS LONG AS ALL THAT.” The beginner at the game contents himself with less complicated ruses. Sometimes he his bath late at night, when the sentries have been taken off; but, as the lights go out en masse at eleven, even this operation has to be carefully timed. There is nothing much gloomier than a bath by candle- light, except perhaps a bath in the dark. Hundreds, however, of both sorts are endured in this hotel. The more brazen or the more timid simply walk into the bathroom fully dressed during the day, carrying a num- ber of dirty golf-balls in their hands, and towels in their pockets and sponges has MIND IF 'E DID SAY YOU'D GOT up their sleeves, and issue later fully dressed with clean white golf-balls in their hands. It is generally thought, however, that this device is just a little | mean it’s not exactly—you know what I mean. ; The Korban Bath Rules will probably remain unwritten for many a day, but | earnestly hope that before next summer the traditions and etiquette of bath- warlare as between individual hotel- visitors will be codified and issued in an intelligible form. At the moment the most extraordinary confusion pre- vails, and no one can tell whether any particular stratagem will be hailed with applause as a bold and legitimate operation of war or universally con- demned as a barefaced piece of bath- hoggery. Recently, for example, an Davin Forse fm A NECK extremely courteous, not to say gallant, old gentleman was severely lectured by a lady for digging himself in on the mat and maintaining his position there till she emerged. She stated with, I think, considerable force that she had passed the age when a lady likes to be seen coming out of a bathroom with disordered locks ; she also said that he was ruining her chance of a Korban bath by drawing attention to the fact that there was somebody inside. He replied with equal force that, whenever he considerately withdrew from the mat in order to let a lady escape unseen, some less scrupulous combatant (usually one of his own daughters) immediately rushed the position, and he was not going to be had in that way again, though as a matter of faet, while they were arguing the mat- ter out, somebody actually did this, so he was. ; Now what is the way out of this dilemma? The only solution I see is the Sponge System, by which. every competitor puts down a sponge, as one puts down a ball at the first tee. In this way definite claims can be staked out in rotation without conges- tion of the avenues of approach. I hope this system will be gener- ally adopted next summer and, if it 1s used in conjunction with my Progress Indicator (which shows by a moving needle what stage the person bathing has reached), it ought to work very smoothly. But there must be no hanky- panky, no sharp practice with caddies ; every sponge must be put down by one of the players in person. And there must be none of that regrettable collusion between husband and wife which has brought such discredit on the —i present system. : There was a very bad case of this the other day. A certain wife used to entrench herself in the bathroom early and remain in it till her husband—a heavy and persistent sleeper—arrived. When you rattled angrily at the door- knob she said very sharply, “ Who 1s that?” —in itself a sufficiently disturbing thing. Even in the present days of shamelessness and crime there are few men who care to confess openly that they have angrily rattled at the bath- room door. If you said sheepishly, “ It is Smith” or “ Thompson ° or “* Lord Rumble,”” a heavy silence fell, broken only by those gentle watery sounds which: it is so maddening to hear from without. When her husband arrived and answered the challenge with “It is I, Arthur,” sounds of feverish activity a earner

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NEREIEME pt CA: PRIE int SILI:

Ocroner 13, 1920.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CUARIVARL

289

| | | | SANE PSS Sa S : iusband got his bath. the door and beheld Smith or Thompson or Lord Rumble or nobody. And seven times she bolted back into the burrow She remained undefeated. Her I wonder what devilry she would be up to under the Sponge System. A. P. H.

A Novelty from the Past. ‘ANTIQUE, over a hundred years old, oak sideboard, brand new... . Apply after 6.30.” Evening News. Surely after this candour there is no help to be got out of the twilight hour “Mr, Robert ——, who is now manager, entered his late employer's service three or four months after he commenced, and re mained with him until he gave up.” Local Paper. “They have their exits and their en- trances '’—the former in this case being

the more satisfactory.

I—_—”

WHEN AND IF. (It is rumoured that Mr. Batrour is shortly going to the House of Lords.) Wen Barrour goes to the Lords— For the Upper Chamber's adorning— The Lower House, if it has any nous, Will have solid reason for mourning; For he has no axes to grind ; His strategy injures no man, And his keen sword play in the thick fray sy to friend and foeman. of the Is a | When Batrour goes to the Lords, To strengthen that gilded muster, Twill be sad and strange if he has to change The name he has crowned with lustre; For already there's “ B. of B.,” A baron of old creation ; And Whittingehame is an uncouth name For daily pronunciation. If Baurour goes to the Lords, Will the atmosphere, I wonder, With the placid balm of its dreamful calm Bring his nimble spirit under ? Or will he act on the Peers Like an intellectual cat-fish, Or startle their sleep with the flying leap A COAT OF WHITEWASH WOULD SOON PUT THAT RIGHT.”

Of a Caribbean bat-fish ?

If BaLrour goes to the Lords— But can the Commons spare him ? Jesides I'm sure that a coronet’s lure Is the very last thing to ensnare him; And I'd rather see him undecked With the gauds that merely glister, In the selfsame box with Prrr and Fox And GLapstone—a simple Mister. Still if he goes to the Lords, Whatever his style and title, For the part he has played in his country’s aid ‘Twill be but a poor requital ; For he never once lost his nerve W hen the outlook was most alarming, And always remained, with shield un- stained, Prince Artuur, the good Charming. Prince “Mrs. Hawh vould be glad to employ a | Wren for domestic work.” Advt. in Daily Paper. Will she have to “ live in” ? “Tf it be true, as Suenuey said, that ‘a thing of beauty is a joy for ever,’ the good people of Roydon are to be congratulated on the new bridge over the River Stort.” Local Paper. But, supposing Kears, for instance, said it, will that make any difference ?

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290 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Enlightened Ministe: “] CANNA UND! CHARIVARE. RSTAND YOUR OBJECTION TO DANCING, Mr. McTayisu, We wave an AUTHORITY FOR It. Davip HIMSELF DANCED,’ Elder. “ Ay, BUT NO Wl’ A PAIRTNER.” gifts you get published by The Atlantn | “ Priscilla,” [began a; n about | PRISCILLA FAILS TO QUALIFY. Vonthly, with a preface by Viscount | three yoars you will be seven years old “So it runned out of its little grassy | Grey. But I doubted whether Priscilla | and quite a big girl What will you place and went all round the garden,” | had them. I thought I would try |play at then?” said Priscilla, emerging suddenly in Priscilla,” 1 said, “ be little girl | ‘Oh, L san't play at » said pink from under the table lagain and tell me what flower you like |“ I sall go visiting and ypping “What are you playing at n ww, | best Anything e dea - aes Priscilla?" I inquired Woses ‘Oh, ves, I sall have a knife “T'm a little pussy-cat.” | “What do the roses say to each \ pocket knife ? nse And what is this?” l asked, point potner when you aren t there im : No, not a pocket kt ie i knife to ing to the waste-paper basket which Oh, they don’t say anyfing,” she] cut meat wiv, of com she had planted beside my chai |} said with great contempt I had forgotten this goal videnly “Tt’s the pussy-cat’s basket of milk. | oem was bad desires It's to drink when she's firsty,’’ she = Priscilla,” Ll continued, “what do \nd won't you go lon in the — ly mu call the dog next-door ?”’ {big woods with me and me the I sighed. It did not appear to me} Bill,’ she said; “but it’s runned | names of all the flowers and what they | that the child’s education was proceed way.” laure thinking about ? ing upon proper lines, IL had been ‘There you are!" IT exclaimed, turn ‘ Yes,” she replied rathe oubtfully reading portions of the diary of Miss|ing to the child's mamma ‘Bill, in- |“ Ave there beasts in the woods?” Ora, WHITELEY, written when she was | dee d' If she were be ing properly edu “Only rabbit 3, I think seven years old, a work which has just|cated she would be e alling if Jupiter ‘We must be very caret then, ‘cos lifted for America the C hild authore 33 | Ag smemnon Wileox by now. . Does she! thev ‘re very wild creat iren't Cup. I had hoped to find in Priscilla | © ver speak to you at all of the star they?” some faint signs that the laurels lost| gleams amongst the thw thes leaves ” ‘Oh, not very wild.” by Miss Daisy Asnrorp might be} ‘Il don't think there are any star ‘Will you buy a gun at the gun-sop wrested back The latest feature in| gleams amongst the cabbages in this! and soot them and we take them home | nursery autobiography, so far as I} garden,” she replied. ‘ Only slugs land eat them ?” could gather, was to have a profound | ‘I don’t care,” I said; “the fact | Bless the child, [ thought, there objective sympathy with vegetab sles | remains that Priscilla ought to be con-|seems to be no getting her away from and a faculty for naming domestic ani |stantly wondering what the cabbages | this eating business. mals after the principal figures in class- | do say to each other when they have ‘ Priscilla,” I began again, “in the ical mythology. If you have these! lonesome feels at night.” woods there is a great big lake, with ——a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocronm 13. 1920 ‘ wi \ ? ‘SP cS \ i, ~ — : ———~ = % = —>= THE EXPERTS. HEAD!’ CUT THE iS A MORE Asquira. “GIVE HIM HIS Grey, “TELL HIM YOU'LL Moruey. “WHAT YOU WANT STRING POWERFUL SANITY!” IN A COUPLE OF YKARSI”

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PELE RPA NEE. ———————— Octroser 13, 1920.) SS SSS SQ RAN OAD Wee NYY AY Ny —. SNS ~Y o — —as hes ee ~~ ——, 5 te Cres. fe Ravt | | First Bookie. “I Musv "AVE TAKEN TWO 't ' ; , . ” | Second Bookie. ““FRoM ME MOSTLY. | trees and rushes all round it, and there | are water-lilies floating about and | | forget-me-nots at the edge.”’ Now, I thought, we shall perhaps have something about the lullaby songs | of the trees and the willow that does sing by the creek | * Ave there fiss in the lake?” inquired | Priscilla. “Yes,” I said, “beautiful shining fish.” | “And sall we catch the fiss and put them on the fire?” “I suppose we might,” I admitted. “ And will they sizzle?” “Araminta,”’ I said, “the child is hopeless. She has no soul. She will never be a great authoress. The Cup | must remain in Oregon, and Priscilla | will never tell the world how the wind did go walking in the field, talking to the earth voices, with a preface by Sir AuckLAND Geppes or Lord REap1Na. She thinks about nothing but her food.” “ Perhaps you had better try again after she’s said her prayers,” suggested Araminta. “She may be feeling a little more soulful then.” — I attended the ceremony, which was performed with the utmost decorum and gravity. When it was ended Priscilla PUNCH, OR THE | announced, i She has no bent for literature. lh ll i) ENERY Tin } i I can’ NDRED QUID TO-DAY. MARVELLOUS! “T said them very somnly and in rarver a low voice, didn’t I?” she and then went off into surgles of laughter. | determined to make one last des- pairing effort. « Priscilla,’ IT asked, “ which of your books do you like the best ?”’ “The Gobbly Goblin,” she said. «“ Araminta,” I cried, “I give it up. There can never have been any great authoress, young or old, who started with such a materialistic mind.” ‘“Youforget Mrs. Beeton,” she replied. Evor. COLD COMFORT. (It is stated that M. KaMENEFF, on his favour with the Soviet Government, has been appointed Commissar at Taganroq.) Upon the mighty wheels of life I’m but a very little cog, And, when engaged in active strife, Always the under-dog. No honours yet have come to me (My name is Ebenezer Blogg) ; I haven't got an O.B.E. looked up. Nor yet the Dannebrog. LONDON CHARIVARI. return to Russia, having fallen out of f THINK WHERE THE MONEY COMES FROM.” A taxi-man the other night Called me a measly little frog; It's true that in respect of height I can’t compare with Oc. At school I was the whipping-boy Whom every master used to flog Although I took no stealthy joy In pipes or cards or grog. The only time that I bestrode A horse, like Gilpin all agog, The creature bolted from the road And plunged me in a bog. I never learned to sing or dance, To bowl or bat, to stick or slog ; The only time I crossed to France [ struck a Channel fog. I'm old and poor and rather deaf; 1’m often very short of prog ; Yet still I grudge not KAMENEFF His post at Taganrog. Our Modest Advertisers. tive gentleman's Residential Kstate.’’ There was an American “ Datsy’ Whose Diary set people crazy ; Some called it a fake— A most venial mistake, For Opals are apt to be hazy. To be Sold, small unexceptionally attrac-

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294 yy if iif Yo VAs MY, GI! 4 4 Ags ; A \h N) On| ¥) \ Humble Guest (at Profiteer’s castle). “WHat THE DEUCE I8 THIS?” Magnificent Flunkey. ‘THE TEMPERATURE OF YOUR BATH-WATER, Sir.” a \\ yen THE MINISTRY FOR HEROES. January Ist, 1920. To the Ministry of Pensions. When demobilised on 5th November last I applied for a disability pension. | Having received no official communi- | cation on the subject, may I inquire, please, how the matter stands ? M. C. Broke, Capt. February 1st, 1920. To Lieut. C. M. Broke. I am to acknowledge receipt of your letter of 1/1/20, and to say that you will receive a further communication from this Department in due course. CutTsBert Rutt, for Ministry of Pensions. March Ist, 1920. To the Ministry of Pensions. Re your letter of February Ist, may | I inquire how the matter now stands, | please? (My rank, by the way, is | captain, and my initials are “M. C.” | not «(, M.” I hope you won't mind | me mentioning it.) M. C. Broke, Capt. April Ist, 1920. To Mr. M. Brake. | Iam to acknowledge receipt of your letter of 1/3/20 and to request that you will be good enough to state the date upon which you last received a pay- ment on account of your pension. CuTrHpert Rett, for Ministry of Pensions. April 2nd, 1920. To the Ministry of Pensions. Replying to your inquiry of yester- day, I have not received any payment —not a bond, not a rouble, not a bean. That, between ourselves, was my idea in initiating this interesting corre- spondence. May I direct your attention to my signature ? M. C. Broke, Capt. May 10th, 1920. To Second-Lieut. J. Brooke. Your letter dated 2 4/20 has been duly received. I am to ask whether you are (a) demobilised ; (b) disem- bodied; or (¢ ) still serving ? CutTHBErtT Rutt, for Ministry of Pensions. May 11th, 1920. To the Ministry of Pensions. I was so glad to hear yesterday that my letter of the 2nd of last month had been duly received. I was be- ginning to get quite anxious about it. In reply to your inquiry I have the honour to state (again) that I was (a) demobilised. I mentioned this, you know, last January. But perhaps you have forgotten? It is rather a long while ago. M. C. Broke, Capt. P.S.—I don’t mind a bit how you spell my name and all that. But our postman is getting wild. And you know what workers are. June 30th, 1920. To Mr. C. Bink. I am directed to acknowledge your letter of 11/5/20. In order to facilitate this Department’s investigations into your claim, please say if you are in possession of Army Form Z. 3. Curnpert Rutt, for Ministry of Pensions. July Ist, 1920. To the Ministry of Pensions. Yes, I am in possession of Army Form Z.3. Ido hope this will facilitate your Department’s investigations. Not for my sake. But I enclose last quarter's accounts from my landlord, butcher, baker, ete. Perhaps you will be good enough to guarantee my credit? You know how impatient these vulgar fellows are. M. C. Broxe, Capt. P.S.—I think I like “ Bink” the least teil I

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sito renerermee Ocroper 13, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 295 of my new names. But perhaps you will think of a better one for my next letter. August Ist, 1920. To Mr. M. Brooks. Your letter of 1/7/20 has been duly received, and I am to inquire whether you submitted a claim for disability pension at the time of your demob- ilisation. If so, please state date. CurHBert Rott, for Ministry of Pensions. August 2nd, 1920. To the Ministry of Pensions. With reference to your letter of yes- terday, the answer is in the affirmative. By the way I think we went into that little matter too last January. But, of course, you can’t think of everything. Excuse me mentioning it. Do you} think you could get my pension through by the 30th inst? It is my birthday, | and I would like to have my boots soled and heeled. M. C. Broke, Capt. August 30th, 1920. To Mr. N. Brock. With reference to your application for | disability pension I am to request that you will furnish this Department with a full statement of the circumstances un- der which you were wounded, giving the following particulars :—Christian and surname (in block letters); regiment ; whether (a) demobilised; (b) disem- bodied; or (c) still serving; whether (a) shot; (b) bayoneted; (c) gassed; | (d) shell-shocked; or (e) drowned; Christian and surname (in block letters) | of batman, stretcher-bearers and O.i/c hospital ship. Curnpert Rurr, | for Ministry of Pensions. | September 8th, 1920. To the Ministry of Pensions. Under medical advice I am to cease corresponding with your admirable De- partment. It seems a pity, since we have got to know each other so well. | have decided therefore to place the matter in the hands of the Miners’ Federation. I do not think I have men- tioned the fact before, but I was employed a8 a miner when I joined up in ‘14. M. C. Broke, Capt. September 9th, 1920. To Captain M. C. Broke. I am directed to inform you that you have been awarded a disability pension at the rate of five hundred pounds per annum. A draft for the amount due, including arrears from 5/11/19—date of disembodiment or demobilisation—was despatched to your address this morning per King’s Messenger. _ [have the honour to be, Sir, Your humble and obedient Servant, CuruBert Rurrt, for Ministry of Pensions. “ONE CROWDED HOUR OF GLORIOUS LIFE.” A BIT OF TOBACCO-ASH IN YOUR EYE, YOUR REEL JAMMED, ONE A LOOP OF YOUR LINE AND THE BIGGEST SALMON YOU EVER SAW ON THE OTHER END OF IT, NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. THE GLOW-WORM. Tur little glow-worm sits and glows As brilliant as the stars, But you are wrong if you suppose That he will light cigars. In fact, he seems to be exempt From Nature's general plan ; He never makes the least attempt To be of use to Man. And if you think that it requires A scientific brain To understand his tiny fires Then you are wrong again. The meaning of his shininess Is fairly clear to me; It is intended to impress The future Mrs. G. OF YOUR LEGS THROUGH No doubt you think it is his nose Which gleams across the glen ; Well, it is not; the part that glows Is on the abdomen. And very likely that explains Why all these millionaires Buy such expensive shiny chains To hang about on theirs. The Editor who read these lines Has quite a different tale ; He says it is the she that shines To captivate the male. He has a perfect right to doubt The statements in this song, But if he thinks I'll seratch them out He’s absolutely wrong. A. P. H.

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rT. [Ocroner 13, 1999, 296 "PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ne err eee —— vutnndngeeca eee, FOR OURSELVES ALONE. “Oh, no,” said the Vicar; “ please don’t let me drive you away. Asa matter of fact, since there are so many here | Our hostess had taken us over to “Sheltered End,” the| won't stay myself. But I wonder,” he addressed Mrs pleasant country home of Mrs. Willoughby Brock, to play Brock, ‘‘as I am here, if I might use your telephone for tennis. As however there was only one court and quite a| moment ? number of young and middle-aged people were standing near} “‘ Of course,” said she. | it with racquets in their hands and an expression on their ees Thank you so much,” he replied; “yes, I know where | faces in which frustration and anticipation fought for supre- | it is,” and with a genial and courtly salutation he moved | macy, it followed that other beguilements had to be found. | off in the direction of the house. | My own fate was to fall into the hands of Mrs. Brock, whose] “ Such a true neighbour!” said Mrs. Brock. “Ah! and | | greatest delight on earth seems to be to have a stranger to| here is another,” she went on. And along the same path, | whom she can display the beauties of her abode and enlarge | where the Michaelmas daisies were thickest, I saw a massive upon the unusual qualities of her personality. She showed | woman in white, like a ship in full sail, bearing down upon | and told me all. We explored the estate from the dog-kennel | us, defending her head from the gentle September sun with to the loggia for sleeping out “ under the stars," from the | a red parasol. “This,” Mrs. Brock hurriedly informed me, | pergola to the library ; from the sundial to the telephone, | is Lady Cranstone, who lives in the house with the green “the only one for miles;" and as we walked between the| shutters at the end of the village. Such a dear person! | purple and mauve Michaelmas daisies in her long herbaceous ! She’s always in and out. The widow of the famous scientist, en Cancer se “| you know.” Admiral butterflies ' among the myriad little clean blossoms, she said how odd it was that some peo- ple have the gift of attracting _ friends and others not; and what a strange thing it is that where one person has to toil to make a circle others are automatically surrounded by nice | creatures; and asked | me if I had any views as to the reason, but did not pause for the reply. It was a warm mellow day—almost the first of summer, I didn’t know ; but what does it matter? | By this time the | | de ul person was | within hailing dis- | |tance, but she flew no signals of cordial- lity; her demeanour | rather was austere }and arrogant. Mrs. | | Brock hurried _ to- wards her to assist | her to her moorings, and I was duly pre- baad i | “T didn’t intend | Ito come in again | | to-day,” said Lady | | Cranstone, whose | | features still success fully failed to give to | the stranger any In- : ; . ‘ : | according to one’s | dication of the be- | senses, although | nigr ty that, it was | | nearly the last, ac- | suggested, irradiated | | cording to the calen- er . ther being i > ‘WHATEVER WILL YO In) RANDPA, WHEN YOU RE TOO OLD FOR ARDENING ? | > dar—and Mrs. Brock , : 5s “ But you are al- | j ‘I expect I'iu stant Gotr. Bur I Hope I SHAN’T LIVE AS LONG AS THAT. ‘ i was so happy to be : é Nat ati ~ mG (eerie = Dee Be ee TT ae welcome,” | | ina monologue that I could enjoy the garden almost without | said Mrs. Brock. “ Lady Cranstone,” she continued to me, | interruption. For a two and a half years’ existence it cer- | “is kindness itself. She makes all the difference between | tainly was atriumph. Here and there a reddening apple | loneliness and—and content.” | shone. The hollyhocks must have been ten feet high. “ Ah! herecomesthedear Vicar,” said Mrs. Brock suddenly, and, rising up from a rose which I was inhaling (and I wish that people would grow roses, as they used to do years ago, nose-high), 1 saw a black figure approaching. Lady Cranstone picked a rose and pinned it in her mon- | | umental bosom. “I don’t know that I had anything in | j | particular to say,” she remarked. “ I chanced to be passing ‘and I merely looked in; but since I am here perhaps you | would allow me to use your telephone i | Hy ii i “He is such a charming man,” Mrs. Brock continued,} Mrs. Brock beamed her delighted acquiescence and the “and devoted to me.” | frigate sailed on. “ You’ve no idea,” said Mrs. Brock, “ what “Good afternoon,” said the Vica: bag H Ww exquisite those |a friendly crowd there is in these parts. I don’t know how delphiniums are!” he added after introductions were com-| it is, but this little place of mine, modest t! ugh it is, and plete ; “such a delicate blue! I should not have intruded unassuming and unclever as I am, is positively the very | had I known you had a party "—he waved his hand to-| centre of the district. It’s like a club-house. How strange | wards the single tennis-court, around which the wistful|lifeis! What curious bywavs there are in human sympathy!” racquet-bearers were now (as it seemed) some thousands | This being the kind of remark that is best replied to strong, “but it is always a pleasure”—he turned to me—| with an inarticulate murmur, I provided an_ inarticulate “to be able to walk in this paradise on a fine day and|murmur; and I was about to make a further and more appreciate its colour and its fragrance. I find Mrs. Brock | determined effort to get away when a maid-servant ap- so valuable a parochial counsellor too.’ proached with a card. r : “I think,” I said, not in the least unwilling to be tactful, Mrs. Brock took it and read the name with a little ery of “T will see what the rest of our party are doing.” satisfaction. “Lord Risborough,” she said to me. ~ At PR Eee

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en ore ap- ; of | And then, “ Where is his lordship?” she asked ; but the} ee Ocroper 13, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART —gg7 | “]T DO HOPE YOU’LL BE ABLE TO COME TO THE Mornenrs’ WE CHEF TO COME AND GIVE US A LECTURE ON ‘THe Decay or Cook! “Not ro ME, Mum. I ALLUS GIVES MINE TO THE PIGS WHEN last! How nice of him to eall. They live at Risborough Park, you know. I always said they would never con- descend to dignify ‘Sheltered End’ with their presence ; but I somehow knew they would.” She purred a little. it 1% | girl’s revly was r ial: ewe bh] girls reply was rendered unnecessary by the nobleman | | (Messrs. Sweet AnD MAXWELL) and the Editor of Williams’ i ; a himself, who advanced briskly upon Mrs. srock, hat in hand. | “T trust,” he said, “that you will pardon the informality | of this visit. Lady Risborough is so sorry not to have been | ible to call yet, but—but——_ Yes, I was wondering if you 'd be so very kind as to do me a little favour? The fact is our telephone is out of order—most annoying—and 1]| wondered if you would let me use yours. I hear that you! have one.” — ; 2 “T will take you to +” said Mrs. Brock. “ Most kind, most kind!”’ his lordship was muttering There was no difficulty in making my escape now Mr. Punch desires to express his sincere regret for an injustice done, though without malice, to the Publishers | Real Property, in an article that appeared in the issue of August 18th, under the title, “ Blewitt on Real Property.” The new edition of Williams’ Real Property contains a large amount of fresh material and represents considerable labour spent over the careful revision of the previous edition. “Atla.m., unint rrupted rifle fire and bomb explosions were audible. It is re ported that a French officer was then addressing the crowd."’ Times of Malaya. sergeant-major must look to his laurels. Our old is F SY ‘ \e.. 3) 4 ws); afi, LFARE MEETING ON WEDNESDAY We'VE PERSUADED A FAMOUS ry.’ IT SHOULD BE MOST HELPFU! IT GETS THAT FAR.” THE PEERLESS PROVINCIAL. [A London paper learns from a West End tailor that many people n the North and Midlands now achieve a higher standard of dreas | han the ‘‘ man about town.’ Ir perchance you would gaze upon those whose array 's Of impeccable texture and cut It is futile to go to Pall Mall or the Row, Now the haunt of the second-rate nut: Take a train (G.N.R.), for example, as far As Cleckheaton or Cleethorpes-on-Sea, Where each male that you meet, from his head to his feet, Follows Fashion’s most recent decree. A legitimate claim to sartorial fame Can be made by the locals at Leek, Whose apparel is apt to be ruthlessly scrapped After having been worn for a week ; Trousers bag at the knees in no town on the Tees, And the Londoner has to admit That he cannot compete against Bootle’s écte, And that Percy of Pudsey is ir. Wigan's well in the van, for her sons to a man Are the ultimate word in crayats And are said to outdo even Cheadle and Crewe In the matter of collars and spats ; But the pick of the lot is the privileged spot Where the smart set, the quite comme il faut, Have a mentor and guide who is famed far and wide As Bertie the Bridlington Beau.

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298 PUNCI I, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PASSING OF ALFRED. Alfred is dead and with him has gone John’s last efforts at making and train- ing pets. It has simply been one dis- appointment after another. There was Charles the monkey. Charles could write his own name with a pen and digest the creamiest shaving-stick with- out making a lather. There was Joey, the billy-goat, such an entertaining fellow, who could pick up and set down anything with his horns from a basket to a dustman. And then there was Livo—immortal Livo, There never was such a down-at-heel and unscrupul- ous young ruffian of a mongrel terrier as Livo, nor one that more completely con- vinced people that he was a gentleman of blood and a pure-souled spiritualist. Of course there were heaps of other pets as well, but just as they seemed about to reach that stage of human in- telligence so earnestly desired by their young master they all suddenly died, even as Alfred, the last of a long list, gave up the ghost yesterday. Alfred was a trout. Not your ordinary fly-jumping kind of trout, because there is never anything ordinary about John’s pets. Alfred, for instance, had not lived in water for three months. He simply had no use for the’stuff, and,’ as -for jumping at a fly, his nerves were far too good for that sort of thing. His attachment to John was com- plete. He would take food from no one else and the presence of his eight- year-old master in the long grass was sufficient to bring him erect on his tail, where he would wag his fins and make strange noises in cordial welcome. . In many respects he was the most superior pet John has ever had. He could affect boredom and his exhibition of the glad eye was considered by John’s eldest sister to be positively deadly, It is, in fact, true to say that his keen desire to adopt as many human habits as pos- sible often led us to mistake him for one of ourselves. John, however, was not quite satis- fied with his pupil until one bright morning last week when Alfred dis- played the first signs of having acquired the Directional Wriggle. Strange as it may sound, this very human trout actually wriggled after John for a dis- tance of five yards. Three days later he pursued his master to the village post-office and beat him by a short gill. Yesterday, however, Alfred excelled himself. John had left early for the stream, and being in a hurry took advantage of the thin plank crossing. Now the plank is very slippery and had | been placed over the spot where the | leading players."—Kvening Paper. John crossed it} Mr. Punch wishes his old consort more carefully enough, but looking back for | power to her elbow. stream is deepest. a second he suddenly noticed that Alfred was following him. Before he could raise his voice in protest the trout had mounted the plank and was wriggling across it. Then, horror of horrors! in the middle of the plank the wretched fish suddenly lurched, lost its foot- ing, plunged into the water and was drowned. FLOWERS’ NAMES. Wat tHe Farrmes Wear. Ir only you walk with an open ear And watch with an open eye, There's wonderful magic to see and hear By silently passing by ; In meadows and ditches, here and there, You'll find the clothes that the fairies wear. You can see each golden and silvery frock In Lady's Mantle and Ladysmock ; There’s Lady’s Garter (which, I sup- pose, They wear with the cowslips called Hose-in-hose) ; The solemn fairies who ride on owls Shroud their faces with Monkswood cowls ; And there's other things besides fairy dresses— There's Lady's Mirror and Lady's Tresses. Bachelors’ Buttons must be for elves Who have to do up their clothes them- selves ; And the tailor fairies use Fairy Shears, Long cutting-grasses that grow meres ; And they mend their things with the Spider-stitches, Faint white flowers that you find in ditches, ’ And Shepherd's Needle, which you'll see plain . In every meadow and field and lane; And when they 've used them they grow again. by If only you-walk with an open ear And watch with an open eye, There's wonderful secrets to see and hear By silently passing by ; In meadows and ditches, here and there, You'll find the clothes that the fairies wear ; And if you look when they think you 've gone E ‘ Perhaps you ‘ll see them trying them on. _ “The whole of the United States is intensely interested in a baseball scandal revealed a few days ago. The Grand Judy, which is now investigating the charge, has already indicted eight of the ST [OcToner 13, 1990, ee ———veaneen ROBBERY IN COURT. THERE would seem to be some need for watchfulness in our Courts of Justice lest the customs and privileges which to so great an extent have made them what they are should be allowed to | lapse. Ll A great sensation was caused through. out the legal profession the other day when it was reported in the Press that a witness, in giving evidence, made the following remark :—* It goes in one ear and out of the other. Perhaps that is because there is nothing to stop it.” The report stated that laughter fol- lowed, and, if that was indeed the case, then we have no hesitation whatever in characterising it as a most unseemly outburst. __ If witnesses are to be permitted with impunity to snatch out of the Judge's mouth the jokes which naturally arise out of their evidence, our whole judicial system will be imperilled. In offering an explanation as to why “it goes in one ear and out of the other,” the witness committed a grave breach of etiquette. That explanation, if made at all, should have been made by the Judge in the first place. Or if, after due opportunity had been given, his Lordship showed no desire to avail himself of the opening, then the privi- lege should have fallen to the examining counsel. If he in turn waived it, it | should have been open to counsel on | the other side to snap up the chance. We fail to understand how such a remark, coming from a witness, could have been allowed to pass without rebuke from the Judge or protest from the counsel, or some attempt at least to maintain order on the part of the | usher, THE CHANTRY. GReEY dust lies on his battered face; The glories of his shield are dim; Half vanished are the words of grace Beseeching pity and peace for him Along the Purbeck rim. His hands are folded palm to palm (Some fingers lacking on the right), And at his peakéd feet the calm Old lion shows he fell in fight, As best became a knight. The ivy shakes its tattered leaves Where once he saw the painted pane; The brooding, scurrying spider weaves Where cloth of damask dyed in grain Will never hang again. With missal propped upon his helm For him no drowsy chantor pleads ; But blackbirds in the darkening elm Sing plain-song, and the Abbey meads etell their daisy-beads. " DMS. eee

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ll ni Me ~ we u y r= = 4 & . aaeseien ee T, Mum? I pipn’r asK YOU WHY YOUR LAST GIRL LEFT CHARIVARLI, 299 you.” 4) ’ 7 ‘ ; ’ | . : | Ocroper 13, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | we + | Lady. “AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST SITUATION?” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’'s Staff of Learned Clerks.) IT am as arule very strongly against the form of pedantry whenever a new writer that hastens to ery “ imitation finds himself impelled to a theme of the same character as | that already associated with an old-established practitioner. But in the case of The Lost Horizon (Mrtuuen) I find myself overwhelmed. Consciously or unconsciously Mr. G. Cotpy Bortry has produced a story that in matter and treatment is so palpably a reflection of JoserH Conrap that the likeness simply refuses to be ignored way a good story enough—an affair of adventure in South America and on the high seas, with a generous sufticiency of oaths and blood-letting ; a tale moreover that gives evidence (in spite of that distressing echo) of being written by one who takes his craft with a becoming dignity of purpose. One peculiarity of the Master has not only been borrowed by Mr. Bortey, but exaggerated to his own undoing: | mean the trick of introducing a character or group of char- acters so clogged and obscured by the adhesions of the uncommunicated past that not till this has been gradually flaked from them do they emerge as figures in whom it is possible to take an intelligent interest. In the present instance this process is delayed for more than half the book. As for the intrigue, that concerns a group of cut-throat Europeans, who, having been ruinously involved in a South American revolution, are now further plunged into the plots of a scoundrelly African magnate and his conspiratorial gang. For myself, I parted from them all with a feeling of regret that they had not explained themselves earlier as the entertaining villains that they turned out to be. It is in its] Manhood End (Hurst ano Brackett) is the title, not very cheery, that Mrs. Henry Dupenry has given to her latest novel, a simple and quite human story of country vicarage life, told sympathetically, but in too many words for so slight a theme. The publishers are at the wholly superfluous pains of urging you as a preliminary to read the “turn-over of cover.” Don’t! All you will find there is a synopsis of the plot, just sufficient to destroy the slender thread of your interest in its development. And I must record a protest against the entirely unneeded Prologue, in which total strangers sit round at a churchyard picnic on the graves of the real protagonists, and speculate as to their history. The tale itself is placed in Sussex (why this invidious partiality of our novelists ?), the actors being for the most part clerical. The main interest is centred in the matrimonial trials of the Rev. Frederick Rainbird, whose bride, having married him in haste, repented at leisure, eloped with the promising brother of a neighbouring parson, repented more, returned to domesticity, ran away again, and so on, da capo. Perhaps really these simple but not short annals have a flavour that I have failed to convey. Mrs. DupENey writes easily, but should avoid the snares of originality. To say of her heroine’s morning appearance at the breakfast table, that she ‘stood in the tangle of a delicious coffee smell,” may convey an impression, but at a ruinous expense of style. Michael Winter, hero of The Black Knight (Hutcnixson), by Mrs. ALFRED Srp@wick and Crospre Garstin, had led a nice easy life till his father’s nefarious schemes crashed, bringing down in a common ruin half the small investors in the country. Left penniless, he changes his disgraced

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300 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 4 [Octoper 13, 1920, name and goes out to Canada to make good. There, on the prairies, he puts in some hard honest work. But, in his haste to be rich, the Black Knight, as they do in chess, after moving straight, moved obliquely. In order to make a coup out of a Wall Street cinch he helped himself to the money of the bank of which he was cashier. Other people who shall be nameless have done this sort of thing before, and, after returning the “borrowed” cash, have enjoyed a stainless prosperity. But Michael, through a motor-car accident, just failed to put it back in time, and had to do two years. But he had made a fortune, and on emerging from prison returned to Europe to enjoy it. There he rescues an innocent English girl from a shady Parisian environment and marries her. By chance she learns the secret of the source of his wealth and leaves him. statement of fact on page 301, seven lines from the bottom which corroborates that on page 279, also seven lines from the bottom, with Weathershaw’s dramatic accusation, you will understand what I mean and you will be left in con. siderable doubt (as I was) of what the author means.’ Does he suggest that Sir Cheville was never murdered at all? After so much excitement that would be a sad pity. Winxpvus) generously label it ‘an enthralling story of domestic and stage life.” ‘ that the domesticity supplied by the hero's family and their quite uninteresting hesitations between town and suburban residence are entirely nebulous and illusive, that the stage as background has no significance one way or ee, The publishers of The Amorous Cheat (Cuatro anp To which my comment must be, In order to appease her scruples and recover her he signs away his goods for the benefit of his father’s cre- ditors. What might have been a too sugary conclusion is saved by a pleasant touch of corrective irony in the very | last line, where his wife ex- presses a very human satis- faction on finding that her best necklace was not in- cluded in the noble sacrifice. | I hope I shall not be sus- | pected of flattering Mr. Punch’s “ Paruanper” if I admire the excellence of the Janadian section, obviously | contributed by Mr. Crospir | Garstixn, who has knocked | about most of the world marked red on the maps. Here his humour and vitality are at their keenest. The rest of a well-told tale I attribute to Mrs. ALFRED Smwewick, with the exception of a pugilistic episode, for which I imagine that the male fist was called in to supplement her proper in- experience. I do believe that I have caught a detective napping; a A TELEGRAM STRUCTIONS.’ ” “My DEAR, I Fer | OUGHT NEVER TO HAVE TAKEN THE HOLIDAY. ScaRcELY HAD I SET FOOT IN MY APARTMENTS WHEN I WAS HANDED FROM SARAH :—‘ PARROT LAID AN EGG. other, but that the impro- priety upon which (I must say frankly) the appeal of the book seems to depend is given without stint, in a measure that certainly may, for some readers, justify the publishers’ epithet. You will understand therefore that I experience a little natural hesitation about suggesting the intrigue. It is certainly of the simplest—a mere ques- tion as to whether Vdward and Vivian, casual acquaint- ances of a restaurant, shall or shall not spend a sequence of week-ends together. The lady is described as on the stage, but she might as well belong to a guild of art- needlework. Mdward is the only question of importance, and the week-ends; if you ponder the significance of the | title you can probably guess the rest. To be honest I | ought to add that Mr. Bast | CREIGHTON wields an easy- | flowing pen, and that 4 } least one chapter certainly is wickedly entertaining, in the style of what we used to WIRE IN- " WIRE 1 call “ Continental ’’ humour. real private detective, one of the great infallibles of fiction. Mr. J. S. FLercuer’s Exterior to the Evidence (Hopper AND Strovenron) is one of those thrills in which any of the | characters might have committed the murder and there is every reason, at times, tosuspect that they have all had a hand in it. Over the moorland there ran a path, and at a spot known as Black Scar it came perilously near the edge of a | forty-foot drop, with rocks at the bottom. Over this precipice went Sir Cheville Stanbury at midnight, a very odd cir- cumstance considering his life-long familiarity with the path. Weathershaw, the great detective called in to investigate the matter on behalf of one of the suspects, took a line of his own and eventually hit upon someone you and I would never have thought of. We have this excuse, that we had j had Weathershaw. secret of this enticing affair, but I must dispute the detec- tive’s identification, on the last page but one, of the man responsible for Sir Cheville’s death. no idea of his existence until he was hit upon ; but no more T . . Now I am not going to give away the If you compare the To sum up, not a noyel for | family reading or for the fastidious. The others may even be enthralled. The Diary of a Sportsman Naturalist in India (Lane) contains an excellent collection of sporting anecdotes, and dip where you may you will find none of them trivial or tiresome. Mr. E. P. Sresprine states that his purpose in selecting material from his note-books was “to emphasize the necessity which exists of affording protection to the game and other animals of India,” and, shy as some of us are of purposeful books, there is no reason to be scared by this one. In the first place Mr. SreBsine's purpose 1s one which will generally be commended, and in the second he achieves it in an absolutely unobtrusive manner. To sports- men, and especially to those who have enjoyed the good fortune of shooting in India, this volume will be extremely welcome. The only cumbrous thing about it is its title. Add that Mr. Srrsprne is as profuse in his illustrations as he is happy in his choice of subjects. ————— Se cL

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PE A rape HET Ocroner 20, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 301 CHARIVARIA. «“ WHENEVER I am in London,” writes an American journalist, “I never miss the House of Commons.” Nor do we, | during the Recess. “Tf Lord Krnyon wishes, I am pre- pared to fight him with any weapon he chooses to name at any time,” an- nounced Sir CraupE CHAMPION DE CresPiany recently to a representative of The Star. In sporting circles it is thought that, in spite of his recent declaration, Mr. ©. B. Cocnran may consent to stage the encounier. water over them. Cats on night duty are now putting a kindlier interpreta- tion on the treatment they receive. An employee at a coal-mine in Ohio is reported to have died from overwork. There is consolation in the fact that this could not possibly happen in Eng- land. Three Glasgow workmen have started on a walk to London. With the possi- bility of a vote in favour of a dry Scotland we suppose they started early to avoid the rush. * * very doubtful whether trouble,” bewails a writer in the “Picture” Press. Still, in our opinion it’s the only thing worth living. On two separate occasions last week a cat entered one of the largest churches in Yorkshire whilst a wedding was in progress. This supports our belief that feline society is contemplating the in- troduction of more ceremony into their own marriage system. Ex-sailors on the reserve need not be ‘ } alarmed by the repeated rumours that | a surprise mobilisation of the Fleet may be ordered very shortly, as we now have it on good authority that, in order to At the Air Confer- ence last week Lieut.- Colonel Moors - Bra- Bazon, M.P., said the Government should appoint experts to control the weather. It looks as if The Daily Mail was not going to have things all its own way. “The object of Po land,” says M. Doms- SKI, peace, hard | work and production.” These were at one time the object of England, and she still hopes to get peace. ‘is Mr. Pt SSYFOOT JOHNSON told a Glasgow audience that he is no kill-joy, but smokes cigars. It is has away.’ We can only add that the price of apples is enough to keep any- body away. “What is a Penny Roll?” headline. pence.” asks a The answer is “ Three half- al . The average boarding-house, says a £0Sssip writer, is not what it seems. No, unfortunately it is what it is. We understand that the world’s record fast has been accomplished by a Scotsman, who has succeeded in re- maining in Prohibition America for seven months and three days. ” ‘ 5 . South Sea Islanders, when greeting friends, says Tit Bits, fling a jar of VOL. ¢ DIPLOMACY. ensure its complete suecess, plenty of no- i them beforehand. fonder than men are of morbid stage |plays. Weddings also have a greater fasci- nation for them. x 3 be reported to have in- vented a record communication with the other world As a final experiment an attempt is to be made to get into touch | with the Porr Laur | BATE, | * 2 ‘ee ; | The motor-car of | polished steel and no paint - work is the also said that he has Mistress. “ NORAH, WILL YOU TRY TO HAVE THE STEAK A LITTLE MORE UNDE! | latest innovation. It been seen going the} PONE?” is said that this will . . oa fhe le , 27 és ' thd UI > | a Z ‘ pace playing domin- Norah (bristling up). “Is 1f FINDING FAULT YE ARE% do away with the ob " ° , mT * aro t ark tT 5 ver _ or" ory . — rOR ol ; ow . - oes. Mistr: Ou, No, No! I MERELY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICER FOR ¥ jection of pedestrians NOT TO REMAIN OVER THR I sO LON ¢ oe Be tons theres bans De _—_—!that under present |says a sporting paper. A dear old lady } ° ‘or >: ithinks he might get over the difficulty by dropping him a letter. It is reported that the captain of a village fire brigade recently declined to call his men out to a fire because it was raining. Unfortunately the owner lof the fire was too busy to keep it going till the first fine day. A clerk employed behind the counter at a post-office in the South of England recently rescued a young girl from drowning. In order to show their ap- preciation of the young man’s bravery, residents have now decided to ir stamps at his post-office. * > local purcha se thie ‘Life is uncertain and often full of “An apple a day keeps the doctor | J CK DEMPSEY can meet Jess WILLARD, | conditions one cannot be knocked down without soiling one’s clothing. “ Water,” an official of the Metropolitan Water Board, “costs far SaVS with whisky, we believe it costs about eightpe nee a time. The Music of the Future. ‘MusicaL INSTRUMENTS. For Sale, one small Economie Roller, 1 Brown's triple action Roller, 2 Eastern duce Roll Breakers, 1 Updraft Sirocco Dryer 1 Souter’s Ceylon Pe per. working. 1 Saw Mill, good order, roll Breaker, fair order.” £400,000 at Aix-les-Bains. The lucky player, who was educated at Har- row . "Daily Paper. The italics are Mr. Punch’s. } “Mr. —— won Are our public schools beginning to advertise? Mr. T. A. Epison is | itice will be given to | Women are said to | machine to | too much to waste to-day.” Adulterated | Pro- | all the above in good order and can be seen | j |

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——— ne PUNCH, OR THE FALLING PRICES. (With grateful acknowledgments to the Commercial Statistician of “ The Times.”) Sap is the sight, but not so strange, When the dead leaf to earth declines : I have observed this annual change As one of Autumn’s surest signs; But oh, how very odd it is ‘ To mark the falling prices of commod Lie One had supposed the boom of War (Still raging with the desperate Turk) Whose closure seemed past praying { Would carry on its hideous work And swell for years and years The bulging waistcoats of om i prohitec rs. But lo! a lot of useful Within my modest range have come; wares - I hear, are sold (in pairs) At three-tifteen And you can even Dittos as low as thirteen pounds tl l'rousers, a paltry sum ; el J; I can afford a further lump Of sugar in my cocoa—yes, And cocoa too is on the slump, Its “second grade” now costs me le: And green peas (marrowfat) Are down to fowrpence. I can run to that And, though my coffers, sadly thinned, May not command a home-killed ham, And though the fees for pile hards (tinned) And eggs (to eat) and strawberry-jam Are still beyond my means (The same remark applies to Yet And arrowroot and pines (preserved)— ’ 1 am glad to think These, and a soul not yet unnerved, butter beans) ; milk (condensed) and salmon (“pink ”’), A ‘ vi] * easier, Shall keep Ine going strong, Now that the price of boots is not so long. O. Ss ’ GONE AWAY! to me that our local Hunt wants waking up In some places, l believe, there are still people who “cheerily rouse the slumbering morn” by hunting the fox or the fox-cub, and, if one cannot let slumbering morns lie, there is no jollier way of rousing them. we hunt the 8.52. from a high place, you can see our bowlers and squash hats just above the hedgerows bobbing down to the covert side. That one bobbing last is me. As we trudge homeward under the star-lit skies all our racy anecdotes are of the fine fast runs we have had with the 8.52, the brave swinging of the tail carriage, the heavy work over the points, the check and find again at East Croydon main.... Those who arrive early at the meet in the morning (but, as I have hinted, I am not one of these) stroll about the platform, I am told, talking of the rare Ir seems But in our village | old times when the 8.52 used to be the 8.51, pulling out their watches every now and then and saying to . the station-master, “She's twenty-five seconds late,” ' for all season ticket-holders have special permission from the rail- way company to put trains into the feminine gender. This is a slight compensation for having to pay again when Morning after morning, if you watch | a LONDON CILARIVARL [Octoren 20, 1990, they are challenged and can only pull out a compliment pass to the Chrysanthemum Show. As for myself, no one can say that I lack the sporting spirit, and if Iam late in the field it is because there not enough noise and bustle about our Hunt. It needs, | }submit, the romantic colour and pag | ary eantry that fire an revocably from his | Englishman's blood and rouse him ir |} marmalade. In this char ingly at office, [ have laid certain preliminary pre Enderby and Jackson. the 8.52 in our vill connection, as we say so our p sals before | \ lot of the sportsmen who hunt i ige do so in motor-cars, which is hardly playing the game. Of the stout-hearted fellows who follow on foot, both Enderby and Jackson pass in front of my | house and may be discerned dimly through a gap in the hedge, which was probably made for that purpose by the | previous tenant. Or it may have been hee: » the gate- | datch sticks and he did not jump well. Enderby asserts | |‘that ny house is nine minutes from the station, and Jackson | Says it is six, and therein lies the whole difference between | optimism and pessimism. All I know is that, if Ig uther iy | | hat, coat, Times, stick, pipe, tobacco and matches and put as | | many as possible of them in appropriate places just after | | Enderby has passed the gap, I catch the 8.52 nicely. If] | do these things just after Jackson has passed | catch it | nastily, just about the rear buffers. My proposal is that | | Enderby and Jackson should encourage me a little by } _ 2 | | Wearing searlet coats, so that I can see them twinkling | | | j more brightly through the ge, and if they both with hunt- | I have pointed out that a“ View halloo” from | | gap in my _ hee | Enderby, followed by w stirring | ; res | will do this L will promise to provide them ing horns. Fantivvy, Tantivyy, Tantivvy Ira la, Tra-la, Tra-la’”’ from Jackson, will, if any power on earth can do it, bring } me from my toast in time for my train in t rning, | have explained to them that nothing can be pleasanter or more beautiful for the baker, the butcher and the grocer to look at every morning than Enderby and Jackson dressed in pink, with a despatch-case in one hand and a hunting- horn inthe other. There must be other sportsmen situated as I am, and I should like to see all the little lanes stream- ing with pink coats; and it would be very nice too if they all brought their dogs to see them off, as some do already. | am quite prepared to admit that neither Enderby nor Jackson sees eye to eye with me in this matter. They argue that ample notice is given of the imminent arrival of the 8.52 by the express train which passes through the cutting at 8.43, and is popularly known as “ the warne! | have replied that I cannot hear express trains when | am eating toast, and that the only warner I recognise is Pi.uM WARNER, who cannot by any stretch of language be called an express train. There the matter rests at present, and | suppose in a few days I shall miss the 8.52 again. Happily I have now found out what to occurs. Enderby and Jackson believe that the next train is the 10.15; but that is their narrow-minded parochialism, They are quite wrong. About ten minutes after the 8.52 has gone away another perfectly good train steals panting from the undergrowth. When one has missed the 8.52 one cannot wait on the platform till 10.15, nor, on the other hand, having waved an airy good morning to the butcher, the baker and the grocer as I trotted along, can I very well go back and undo it. And then the derision at home, the half-drunk stirrup-cup of coffee standing tepid and for- lorn. But, as I say, the 9.5 is a perfectly sound train. It is quite true that it goes to Brighton, but the weather has been very warm of late. I hate these splits in the local | Hunt, but there it is. Evor. do when this ———

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0, 1920. 9 OCTOBER LONDON CHARIVARI PUNCH. OR THE — AVY i\ \ V4, HA FAS \ } \\ MAN \ IN } { Ih \¥ VAY ' i/ \ Ata hy \ t \ I \ : ‘ f iN ‘ | } »: / ayy ‘\ WA \\ \ ag RY Vy \ \ iS THIS.” LIKE IMPLEMENT AN CIVILISATION.” OF OLD SISYPHUS NEVER HAD POOR SOURCES . vt BONAR. Rl 7 4 * THE “STICK TO Ft, Mr. Lrorp GEorGe.

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PUNCH, OR TH E LONDON CHARIVARL, [Ocroner 20, 1990, Se —- x sane N NSS DSSS SS 7G tips Kai \ SSTEM ALS Yi Sa EEN » SARS A. NERA HN A{RRRANVSOA.OSARAS AEA AAV a : SS . : RASS SS S » Q SS SS ~ SS : SOS. EAA SSA SSF SASS wy eS YY SAHOO. ALAV SA MAAARRGARAAA WMA SSE Vr ©naagag%gny SSA s°“@4“Q7q“y > TWAT CN \ \Wiaaen a \\ . y AN ¥ WAY wh Wiss \\ \ \ \ mAs Sa) \ \ a aks N\\ \ \Fkanke it Yai; \ \\\ WAY \\ Teynold ‘ HIGH LIFE ON THE UNDERGROUND. Lady (to. tiresome individual). “I'v THaT’s MY STATION, NOT YOURS.” Tut The Individual. “ Anrem! or, WAR TO THE KNIFE (AND Fork). (Being further Extracts from a certain Diary). August 4th, 1914.—Declaration of War. I hereby take a solemn oath not to relax my efforts to win this struggle for England, even if it costs me my last drop of ink. Began my series of powerful articles by calling for Krrcnener, of whom I now, if guardedly, approve. Lunched at the Carlton and dined at the Ritz to let all the world see that I am not downhearted. ,y % » Spent the morning at the War Office, showing everyone how the work there ought to be done. Then to Downing Street to put things right there. Lunched at Claridge’s with six Lead- ing Ladies, all of them cheery souls. ue Week-ended at Melton. Some good ALREADY TOLD YOl BaRONESS, HAMMERSMITH IS TH I PRESOOM ?” tennis and bridge. Fear that none of our generals really knows his job. a [ have been wondering to-day if any other military journalist could possibly know such a lot of the Smart Set, and £0 intimately as I do. I am extra- ordinary lucky in having all these nice people to fall back on when I am worn out with War-winning and Tribunal duties. * x Wrote a wonderful article on the importance of dressing up some one to look like HinpensurG and dropping him at night by parachute from an aeroplane into the German lines near Head-Quarters. It would have to bea biggish man who can speak German well—Mr. Cuesterton perhaps, but I have never met Mr. CHESTERTON, as he seems never to lunch or dine at the NEXT BUT ONE, Ritz; or even Lord Haupane. Once safely landed (my article goes on to 5 COURT, explain) he would make his way to Ger- man H.Q., being mistaken for the real Hinpensure, kill hin orders to the Army which would quickly put the Germans in our power. that no one else has thought Strange of this. * 2 be the only truth in my embarrass- It is very awkward to man in London who has the him. Relieved some of ment by a glass or two of remarkable 794 brs r 1794 brandy. ssa de Wiyston came to Carryon Hall to dine and we discussed his future. I mapped out the next six months for him very carefully, and he promised to . | follow my counsel; but I am afraid that Lady RaNDOLPH may interfere. *» ns * My Hixpensvure article not in The Times yet. Cannot think what 18 coming to journalism. And NogT#- CLIFFE calls himself a hustler. ind then issue ee, | | | } | | SancLe RES EE TRE

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Ocroser 20, 1920.] Bs U NC H, _OR THE LONDON _ CHAR IV ARI. 305

Sent for ‘the PRIME Meseeven and gave him a piece of my mind. He ei i 4 ‘ £ »> are weld ‘ vd y C: . = three times as strong as we are,jincluding Lady Cun ARD and Lady ‘sSauy or Live axp Dean Fanw Srock. and some very desirable results might} Diana Manners. The Princess of X. 6 Steers in milk and in Calf.” follow. ~* % was present and I found her intelligent. Local Paper. : r } Afterwards to Lady Y.’s for bridge. Sent for NorrHcuirre and told him} 4, Z i | hats bid ‘ “Tn the second part of the programme Miss that unless ny articles are treated with The cards were mat ut we had some | _ was associated with Mr, in ‘1t was eae | wonderful rubbers, the four best players | a Lover and His Last,’ "Australian Paper. } more respect I cannot go on and the vidag lis Medinet peneniidl r ; 1 zonaon being conce ,, > ssh " "a | War will be lost. He seemed to be : Let us hope she will remain so, sn | impressed, but you never know. Lunched at Claridge’s with Lady | Cunarp, Lady Diana MANNERS and | Gkorce Roney, We wereall very witty. In the afternoon saw RoperTson at the W.O. and told him of my dummy soldier idea. He roared with delight. sn Wrote one of my best articles, on the importance of either L. G. learn- My eating article not printed. Prac- | At heart, no doubt. But how many ing French or CLEMENCEAU learning | tice, however, is more than precept, have found to their cost that it is in English, Very depressed all day; have} and I shall continue to do my bite. fact another organ which affords the lost my appetite, | (To be continmed) E. V. L. | ultimate test of sailorship. Wrote one of hei best articles, on “Rejoicing in a measure of freedom after the import: ince of eating and drinking | the harassing restrictions of the war, Scotsmen and being merry dean great national |#re not eager to thrust their necks into the : ' . nose again Daily Paper. crises. Urged among other things the| ai +s ee . ie They prefer, we imagine, to thrust the addition of restaurant cars to all trains, : , Ui even those on the Tubes. It is mad- | "05 of the bottle into their necks. ness to encourage seriousness, as The Times is doing. “Every British voter on the sea coast is at x" % heart a sailor.”—Daily Chronicle.

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| seta silsseetausthaet eterna nA 306 PUNCH, CHECK BY THE QUEEN. I wap never before seen the Fairy | Queen in such an agitated condition. She came dashing in, her cheeks glow- ing, her eyes aflame, her tiny form | positively quivering with indignation and excitement. In her hand she held a small scrap of paper, which she waved about in a frantic manner just in front of my nose. “ Look,” she said, “look! My Press Agency sent it me this morning. Did you ever hear of such a thing? It’s outrageous, it’s incredible, it’s | Oh, don’t sit staring there as if it didn’t matter. suggest something ? «* Your Majesty, é Can't you say > something [ said humbly, for | one has to be a little careful when dealing with incensed Royalty, “1 haven't been able to read it yet.” “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said with quick contrition ; “ 1 'm afraid I’m apt to get a little carried away when I’m upset. But surely this is more than anybody could be expect di to stand mortal or immortal.” She settled down on the desk in front | of me, spreading out the crumpled bit of paper on the blotter and holding the ends down with her little hands. “There,” she said-—“ read it.” this is what I read: And ‘*M—’s Fatmny Rino Drstrover After prolonged experiments we have suc ceeded in producing a preparation which checks the growth of unsightly rings on Lawns, &. Two pounds of the Destroyer per square pole is sufficient for a single dres ing. Full particulars with each consignment.” “*Unsightly '!” said the Queen in a trembling voice. “Do you see that ? and she pointed to the offending word with a tiny forefinger. experiments ' too. Do you know, | remember now that [I have had com- plaints from some of our Garden Settle- ments about discomfort; but of course I never dreamed of anyone doing it on purpose. Do you think—oh, do you think "she looked at me with tears in her bright eyes—‘ that it’s really true that human beings are beginning to get tired of us? That we're ’-—she dropped her voice and I saw that she could hardly get out the next words “ out-of-date?” Her falling tears made tiny marks on the blotting-paper. : “ Of course not,” I said stoutly. “On the contrary, you 're coming in stronger than ever. Why, one might almost look upon you as one of the newest fashionable crazes, like motor-scooters and cinema stars and indiscreet me- moirs."” I hardly knew what I was saying, it was so dreadful to see her cry. voi Prolonged THE LONDON CHARIVARI. it. 20, 1920, [OcroBEr “Oh, I hope not,” she said, half- laughing and hastily dabbing her nose with a ridiculous atom of swansdown which she produced from a minute reticule. nouncement, them.” could ZO. The Queen amused herself meanwhile by balancing on the letter-scales. She seemed almost happy. I heard her murmur to herself, ‘Dear me. Two ounces. I shall have to start dieting. No more honey Pe “There,” I said presently, end | them that, and we shall see what we shall see.’ This is what I had written: “We, Titania, Queen of Fairyland, Empress of the Kingdom of Dreams, Grand Dame of the Order of Absolute Darlings, ete., ete., beg to draw the jattention of Messrs. M to the en closed paragraph, impinging gravely on | | the ancient and indisputable rights and | | prerogatives of ourselves and our loyal | subjects, which appeared in their recent | seed catalogue. We feel that the inclu sion of the aforesaid paragraph must be |due to some oversight, since Messrs. M can hardly be unaware of the fact that it is only owing to the co-operation of ourselves and our subjects that they are able to carry on their business with success. Weare unwilling to resort to extreme measuresyput unless the para- graph is immediately withdrawn we shall be obliged to take steps accord- ingly, in which case Messrs. M are warned that the whole of next year's flowei crop may prove “an complete failure. Given our Royal Hand and Seal. Trrania R.”’ The Queen seemed very pleased when I read it over to her. “It's pe rfectly splendid,” she sald, clapping her hands. “ How silly of me not to have thought of it; but I was so distracted. Won't it make them sit up? And of course we could do it easily, though it would be rather dread- ful, wouldn't it? I shall have it copied }out the minute I get home and sent off to-night. By the way” (a little anxi- | ously ) “ there aren't any split infinitives | jin it, are there? My chamberlain’s rather peculiar about them—they make him ill. Extraordinary, isn’t it? But don’t tell anyone—I never quite understand myself what they are or where they split, though it certainly does sound very uncomfortable.” : I reassured her on that point. “Oh, then that’s all right,” she said; “and I don't think even he would ever utter and under « As to these gentlemen,” I continued, | my cheek, lighter than th. pointing contemptuously to the an-|butterfly's wing, softer than the tip of ‘we 'll very soon settle baby’s finger, sweeter than the perfume I seized a sheet of paper and | of jessamine at night. F began scribbling away as hard as [} r have thought of ‘impinging’; it’s lovely, Nor does a man of us cry “ Shame!” It is not honour, wealth or fame— Why is it, then, we don't ~ a - es re isn’t it? Thank you very much indeed.” she added, as she folded up the ' f aper and slipped it under her girdle, : You are a most helpful person. I really . ” 4 think I must I felt a touch on > CATESS of a or & moment | the Queen continued to flutter close about me, radiant and shining. I shut | my dazzled eyes for an instant. When 1 opened them she was gone. I can't help wondering M will do. They ‘ll be rather rash | if they persist. And yet it a little Well, dow what Messrs. does doe n't it? seem R, F. NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN, THE Bri | NEVER, never could ad: The virtues of the be« I thought she seemed a dreadful | prig When IL was small, and now I’m big I see she is a hype crite And so, of course, are we. It’s true she rushes to and fro | With business promptitude | But what about the busy ant? Oh, let us clear ou ds of cant Why is it that we love her so? She manufacture ji But not for us. If it were shown She organised the fea For us to eat, one} About her virtue; but She does it for herself alone The greedy little beast ! ‘ , | agree you see, So grasping is the little dea That every now and thi She readjust 3 the ration scales By simply. murdering the males, With many a base, maliciou At “idle gentle men 5 jeer Though every man woul If there is one high hope for which He labours on at fever-pitch own He wants to be a drone. ab! or This horrid little prude Why don’t we cast the foullest slur On such a Prussian character? Jecause, as | remarked before, She man ufactures food. [he world is full of beasts, my son, And I know two or three That any parent might employ To be a model for their boy, 3ut take my word, we ‘ve overdone The insufferable bee. A. P. H. cnn ee aaa i Rei: SPOTS

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~~ S wrerw | peer crecmrnaen SL ab AES ITP pre STG AS OcTrosnerR 20, 3) JA\ i[ VN ING 1920.) t—— é 5 ye ‘ agfes, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE NEW POOR. 1 NEVER SHOULD RIDE IN A BUB—

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-~iieitacenareasininatesacincastitairsaiain connate tse at sntaahetasntasss-saisi aii msnann rane

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308 PUNCH, OR

THE

VARI. [Ocrober

THE CONSPIRATORS. IV. My pear Cuaries,—The other even- ing I was sitting at an open-air café whose coffee is better than its social reputation. To be exact it is a low haunt. I always go there and have a cup of coffee in a glass when I am

“T am now a Young Socialist,” said my friend with great pride. The Young Socialists are the worst communists there are. « Really 2” said I; “ the last time we had a chat you were an ardent German Monarchist.” He produced his Matriculation card ; it wasn’t in his proper name, but, as he

wondering what to do next and feeling | explained, one name is as good as an- it is about time something was happen-|other and he has had so many from | ing. and sat down at my table. To confess | | Say One of my acquaintances came] time to time that now he cannot rightly . Lan) . which is his own. I asked him LONDON CHARI | | ' | sound plausible, he expound la scheme the truth he has once been a pickpocket, | to elaborate the Young Socialists’ pro- the sort of professional who followed | gramme of murder and sudden death, a the trade in the old dull days of peace for the excitement it furnished. He himself to return to his normal work, since by contrast it is so very tame. | For a time he was stranded, but now! the international spiracy business provides | him with just the sport con-{ he was looking for. 2 After a little conver- sation about pocket-pick- ing, as it used to be in the old days, he asked me if I was inter- ested in communist plots. | I said I was interested in anything. He looked round the café to see that all was well, leant across the table and asked me if 1 was not particularly interested in communist plots. “Yes,” I whispered, ‘as long as it’s a plot I’m interestedinit,even though it is a communist one.” gor rd

isubject which, as a proposed victim, | had a morbid fascination for me. has since served in the Foreign Legion, | said he knew nothing about that ; and says that now he cannot bring | He their | | | everlasting talk bored him and he never attended the public meetings. It was} the committee work which interested hi m FOR INSOMNIA. MESMERISE

He grew suspicious; why was I so interested? There is always a lot of whispering and mutual suspicion about on these occasions. letters I was writing to you on the sub- ject. This made him more than sus- picious ; positively hostile. Who was this Charles? he wanted to know. I told him all about you; explained that you were a good friend of mine; quite all right-——one of us. He rather took to the description of you, dropped all signs of doubt or anxiety and wondered if we couldn't get hold of you to come and take coffee with us one évening? You may rest assured, Charles, that there is now one café in Central Europe where you are regarded as a first-class fellow, even though your acquaintance has yet to be made ; bon camarade ; not above picking a pocket or two yourself in a moment of enthusiasm. You must come here and show yourself one day. You need have no fear. We never pick each others’

pockets ; it isn't considered etiquette. |

|

YOURSELF, 20, 1920, door for the committee assembled inside. And, when he thought the friendship was sufficiently advanced, he poured forth his inmost heart to that door- keeper. He said that Young Socialism was to him the breath of life, and the tragedy was that he was always kept on the outskirts of it. He said he would give anything to take part in a com- mittee meeting, or anyhow to ones at it;

hear the | great and, to ike this | of Young Socialism of his own, which was far more drastic and blo “thirsty | than anything that had yet occurred to any committee. The door-keeper didn t believe there could be anybody who really cared all | that much for communism: for his part he kept the door because there was money to be made easily that way. At the next committee meeting he made more money and made it << | more easily, and my friend =jwas safely locked up in =| the cupboard before the | committee arrived. What | with the heat side, the | lthought that the door- | | keeper might | re cun- | tining than had appeared | jand a persistent desire to | sneeze, he q stioned all | the time whether he was the right mal the right place. The ( nmuttee | meanwhile did little more than vote its 1 salaries from the central fund and quarrel amongst its¢ If who } should be treasurer Later proc ecdINgS Ol the committee, as noted in the

He told me about the first committee meeting he attended. He wasn’t a member of the committee at the time, I told him of these | a fact which put difficulties in the way of his attending the meeting, as it was held behind closed doors. All the doors were closed and locked, including the cupboard door. He was in the cup- board. I wondered what they would have done to him if they had found him there. He told me he had had plenty of time to wonder that himself when he had once got himself locked in. * Begin at the beginning,” said I. It was a question, first, of getting | round the door-keeper. He made friends with that door-keeper, took him out to supper, gave him a kirsch with his coffee and a cigar with his kirsch. He told the door-keeper that he was the most distinguished door-keeper he had ever met. He encouraged him to go through his ailments and his grievances and was visibly distressed by the recital. He got in the habit of sitting with the door-keeper while he was keeping the

When | the question turned on finding some- | one trustworthy and competent to | take secret instructions to c mrades in | France and England, my friend very nearly burst forth from his shelf to say to them, I’m your man!” He restrained himself, however, and thought out a more elaborate scheme | than that. He secured a front seat at the next public meeting of the section, applauded vigorously when the President referred to the need of more briskness in France | and England and asked for a private interview after the meeting was over. | In a few well-chosen words he offered | his services to run messages over the frontier. Off his platform the President | was quite a practical man and, though | he didn’t use these words, he indicated | to my friend as follows: “If you area genuine blackguard the police won't let you go; if you are not a genuine black- | guard you are not really one of us.” My friend said that that would be all cupboard, were more interesting

——

ROME A REORT, ee, earns

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SEAPORT EP REOR F Ce ay Pe RL ete OcrToBER 2), PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 309 Profiteer Host. “I'M AFRAID WE'LI Profiteer Guest. “Ou, right, and they agreed to meet later on. He then went to the police and ex- |“ plained that he was about to be en- trusted with important letters fo carry | over the frontier, if they would afford the necessary facilities. The police also were practical and, without wishing in any way to hurt his feelings, raised the question of his being genuine. Genuine was, of course, the very last thing he was claiming to be, but he understood what they meant, said that that would be all | right and arranged a later appointment. He then called on the President and found him duly suspicious. “T’ve had a talk with the police,” | Said my friend, “and I’ve told them all about you and your messages, and they | are going to give me the facilities and [ am going to give them the messages.” This was the first occasion on which the President had had to handle the plain truth, and he didn’t know what to do or Say next. “Give me some dud messages, of course,” said my friend, and the Presi- dent, thinking what a bright young Socialist this was, complied. MIND ROUGHIN’ IT; TO DRINK THE FIZZ OUT OF FORT GLASSES.” WE'RE ALL SPORTSMEN, | | ral — TAKE IT. then went back to the police. I’ve had a talk with the President,” said he, “and I’ve told them all about you and your interest in the messages, land here the messages are; and you ineedn’t worry to ithey are dud.” The police had also got so unused to the truth from such quarters that they were taken aback when they met it. «And now have I your full confi- »” said he, and they said that he He then me | | read them because dence ? might take it that he had. went back to the President. “(Good morning, Mr. President,” said he. “I have given your messages to the police and told them they are dud messages, so that now I have their full confidence and can move about as I like. Give me the real messages and I'll be getting on with my journey.” Throwing precaution to the winds, ithe President wrote out the real mes- sages in full and handed them to him. “Come, come, come,” said he, “ you must be more careful than that,” and he told him what he ought to do to make sure. He did it. My friend then proceeded to the frontier, where, by arrangement, he was arrested. In the inside pocket of his inside coat a bundle of messages were found. The police nodded at him. “Yes,” they said, “here are the messages all right. We don’t know that they help much, but we suppose that we mustn't blame you.” “Come, come, come,” said my friend, “if you doubt me, search me.” They did so, and, written on linen and sewn into the lining of his coat, they found some more messages, which really did help them. Yours ever, Henry. (To be continued.) Relatives without Antecedents. “Youtrurut Hostresses.—A few years ago when a bachelor entertained he invited his aunt or his mother to act as hostess for him. Now he asks his grand-daughter.”—Daily Paper. “ Ostensibly £it was a move to check the ever-rising cost of living, and in a way not fully realised by the public £it was a method of riveting control on the industry.” Evening Paper. With money flung about like this the cost of living is bound to go up again.

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Formerly a sergeant of police ; Dipped our Reggie's digits in a pan Filled with printers’ ink and oil and grease, Pressed them on a card and soothed his moans, Saying “ Diddums ”’ in official tones. Mother stood and gazed upon the thing, Lovingly as doting mothers do ; Asked, * Does Reggie's hieroglyphic bring Memories of famous men to you— Men who, having made their lives sublime, Left their thumb-prints on the sands of time? “ Will it be his destiny to write Or to earn a living with his brains ? Will he share a ‘loop’ with Graname Wurrr ? Do his ‘ arches’ pair with those of Bars ? Is there similarity between Reggie's ‘ whorls’ and those of M. Massixr?”

_ _

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

[OcToner 20, 1920,

>1 1 Deyews ae \ . Pe | — a } Carace 0 —— ‘ BigOU FLAT | GARAGE FoR | =| ae } wnt £17S sine - CAR | ™ | y) kease 3 years C&D WATER Lain om | x 3s | PREMIUM | ae as | $85 SO> 1 2e |} PREMIUM | od | £20000 | Prim £ $000 ‘Ce Ue ’ 7 | let, | £3500 »| seece Pant. | StL GaTFoL “be : —e | = | | PED-A-TeRRe | } SAT ait Qe } o> | | . | Da KTeen yi 1g | | $288 4 | 2 S7a9 _ ] } | x _— ¥ ‘ | wl Li W | | iF i} i] {}\ || | { | | | ' } i] i | | SINISTER SIGNS FROM SOUTH KENSINGTON. Alarmed Ho: lgent. “ MADAM, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PARTNER?” Client. “] WAS JUST GIVING PARTICULARS OF MY FLAT, WHICH | AM ANXIOUS TO LET, AND WHEN l SALD, ° No PR ~D | HK CRUMPLED UP AS IF HE'D BEEN sHoOT.” | ra ae ee _ a - SI JEUNESSE SAVAIT. (The taking of finger-prints of all new-born babies is advocated. These will be useful for identification at trials, ing ts, ete since the pattern of the print does not change from the cradle to the grave.] Wirn paternal pride I used to glow | Operator coughed behind his hand, When the neighbours dropped their pleasant hints | Moved his feet and shook his hoary head, How like Daddy Reginald would grow, Thrust his fingers in his bellyband, But to-day they took his finger-prints ; Then at last reluctantly he said, Now I ain convinced they spoke in haste “T've encountered in the course of biz Such expressions show a lack of taste. Many prints that much resembled his. Operator was a kindly man, “One, I mind me, such impressions made ; P’r’aps you never heard of Ginger Hicks, Him what done in uncle with a spade Down in Canning Town in ninety-six ? Ginger was a wrong ‘un from the fust ; As a child he bellowed fit to bust. “Then there was another, something like, Got a lifer seven years ago ; Surely you remember Mealy Mike, Robbery with violence at Bow ? Michael's thumb-print, though of large: size, Was the spit of Reggie’s otherwise. * Then again his lines could be compared— Mother snatched her precious up and fled, Pausing once to ask him how he dared Put such notions in um's little head. Her departure mid a storm of kissing Put the lid on further reminiscing.

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1920 1), » CHARIVARI.—Ocroser LONDON THE OR PUNCH, | eo LAMP. iR'S MING ’ 4 THI: ALADDIN AND SLAVE KNOW. “I ME. UGLY.” SUMMONED BE THINK YOU I REALISI LAMP. THE OF BUT THE I AM THE GENIE. Mr. SO 'D YOU 7 4 DIDN'T I “YES, SMILLIE. toe a eee

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OctoserR 20, 1920.] TI “Yxs, MIGHT BE CAPSIZED—WHAT?” A NICE LITTLE BUS, Bur I SAY, THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY SHOCKER. © John Antony Grunch was one of the mildest, most innocent men I ever knew. He had a wife to whom he was devoted with a dog-like devotion ; he went to church; he was shy and reserved, and he held a mediocre position in a firm of envelope-makers in the City. But he had a romantic soul, and whenever the public craving for envelopes fell off —and that is seldom—he used to allay his secret passion for danger, devilry and excitement by writing sensational novels. One of these was recently published, and John Antony is now dead. The novel did it. : Yet it was a very mild sort ‘shocker,’ about a very ordinary murder. The villain simply slew one of his typists in the counting-house with a sword-umbrella and concealed his guilt by putting her in a pillar-box. But it had “ power,” and it was very favour- ably reviewed. One critic said that “the author, who was obviously a woman, had treated with singular delicacy and feeling the ever-urgent problem of female employment in our great industrial centres.” Another said that the book was “a brilliant burlesque of the fashion- able type of detective fiction.” Another of AE LONDON CHARIV AR I, 313 OLD TOP, THE FOOTBOARDS ARE DEUCEDLY LOW, wrote that “it was a conscientious analysis of a perplexing phase of agri- cultural life.” John thought that must refer to the page where he had de- scribed the allotments at Shepherd's Bush. But he was pleased and sur- prised by what they said. What he did not like was the inter- pretation offered by his family and his friends, who at once decided that the work was the autobiography of John Antony. You see, the scene was laid in London, and John lived in London; the murdered girl was a typist, and there were two typists in John’s office ; and, to crown all, the villain in the book had a boar-hound, and John him- self had a Skye-terrier. The thing was as plain as could be. Men he met in the City said, “ How's that boar-hound of yours?” or “I like that bit where you hit the policeman. When did you do that?” “You,” mark you. Old friends took him aside and whispered, “ Very sorry to hear you don’t hit it off with Mrs. Grunch; I always thought you were such a happy couple.” His wife’s family said, ‘ Poor Gladys! what a life she must have had!” His own family said, “ Poor John! what a life she must have led him to make him go off with that adventuress!” Several people identified the Crook, the Secretary of the local | Mothers’ Welfare League, of which | John was a vice-president, The fog of suspicion swelled and | spread and penetrated into every cranny | and level of society. No servants would come near the house, or if they did they | soon stumbled on a copy of the shocker | while doing the drawing-room, read it voraciously and rushed screaming out of the front-door. When he took a parcel of washing to the post-office the officials refused to accept it until he | had opened it and shown that there were no bodies in it. The animal kingdom is very sensitive | to the suspicion of guilt. John noticed that dogs avoided him, horses neighed at him, earwigs fled from him in horror, caterpillars madly spun themselves into COCOODS as he approached, owls hooted, snakes hissed. Only Mrs. Grunch re- mained faithful. But one morning at breakfast Mrs. Grunch said, “ Pass the salt, please, | John.” John didn’t hear. He was read- ing a letter. Mrs. Grunch said again, | “ Pass the salt, please, John.” John was | still engrossed. Mrs. Grunch wanted the salt pretty badly, so she got up and fetched it. As she did so she motiond |

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\ Mus. | “THERE Bi Rovuse's, OVER AGIS THE CHURCH I BELIEVE BHI that the handwriting of the letter was | had been done with some pointed instru the handwriting of A Woman. Worse, | ment, probably an umbrella. it was written on the embossed paper of After that The Daily Horror rang the Mothers’ Welfare League. It must|}up and asked if he would contribute | be from Miss Crook. And it was It | an article to their series on “Is Bigamy } . - was about the annual outing | | “Ah,| Worth While?’ (1 am afraid} Having had enough rushing for one | that “Ah, hat” doesn’t really convey|day John walked slowly out into the | to you the sort of sound she made, | street, trying to remember the various but you must just imagine.) “ Ah, ha!| ways in which his characters had com So that's why you couldn't pass the } salt!” | Mad with rage, hatred, fear, chagrin, | ba!’ said Mrs. Grunch. He threw himself over the Embankment wall into the river, but fell in adinghy which hehad not nolice d; pique, jealousy and indigestion, John | he bought some poison, but the chemist | rushed out of the house and went to the | recognised his face from a photograph office. At the door of the office he met | in the Literary Column of The Druqqist | mitted suicide | oneof thetypists. Heheldthedoor open | and gave him ipecacuanha (none of you | for her, She simpered and refused to go | can spell that) ; in front of him. | rage, hatred, chagrin and all those other | things, John made a cross gesture with his umbrella. With a shrill, shudde | ingshriek of “Murder!” thegirl cantered | violently down Ladgate Hill and was | never seen again. Entering the office, | John found two detectives waiting to ask | him a few questions in connection with the Newcastle Pig-sty Murder, which trying to open the big blade, and gave it up Desperate, he decided to go home. At Victoria he was hustled along the platform on the pretence that there is more room in the rear of trains. Finally he was hustled on to the line and elec- trocuted., And everybody said, “ {So it was true.” A. P. H. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR DO PUT UP [Ocrons k 20, 1920, IVARI. WITH LODG! Commercial Candour. From an Indian trade-circular: ill Profit and making a Big “We belleve in making selling Kivery body rather tl Profit and selling only a I's “Wanted for Tea Estat mate Superintendent.” good eli Paper. We could do with one here, too. WANDERING JEW WANDERFUI “THe THURSTON Ad t And still the wander grew r Pay.” t Daily Paper. KE. Tempus “When the Prime Minister i Mr, | ovatio fas ao led them We he thought of cutting | vation Was accor’ seing still mad with|his throat, but broke his thumb-nail| Ths tends to confirm the accompanied by Lloyd George, appeared a magnificent . Paper, statements in the anti-Coalition Pr that the Prue Minister was beside himself, From examinatior at a girls’ school : (uestion. Why are the days in summer . 9 longer than those in winter Answer. Because they are an paper warmer and therefore expand.

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its he er er peeenanen aaeem rnn | hound to lead one into all sorts of| | best) ofall. Not that we, who constitute his family, would object to his theone | What with the price of everything ju | now and " She then went on to | bieeps-training (we won't allow him to | do the more rowdy muscular exercises jin the living-room), remarked, “ But | wi hould we be subjected se why should we be subjected to these | eternal trammels of civilisation? Isn't i ‘ ‘ the open country man’s rightful herit | the select boarding house where we | stayed last year and met such nice | people,’ went on Mother, ignoring Ernest “It's five guineas a week each now THERE is no doubt that Ernest Was to blame | know, of course, that he meant well. But a passion for fresh ERNEST EXPERIMENTS. | | air, unless it is checked in time, 1 trouble. You see, Ernest suffers so from theories. He has theories about eating, | sleeping and waking, talking and think ing; but those on fresh air are the worst (or perhaps I ought to say the if he didn’t get us involved in them a well: but that is exactly what doe happen. There was, for example, the camping out proposition, It bevan with Mothe: sitting at a table one evening in the early autumn and jotting down figures. Her broy, was troubled. ‘ We really can't afford a holiday this year, girls,”” she said “though | uppose we shall have to speak with hostility of things like the Government and Sir Eric Greppes, though she is a peaceable woman as a rule Whereupon Ernest, who was at th open window engaged in a little quiet age? p ‘I see the prices have gone up at “ Monstrous,” put in Ernest again “Five guineas a week just to breathe the pure air of Heaven.” said Mother, “though | suspect the | eS — meat isn’t Mnglish.”’ i Thus you are able to camp where you Lirnest laughed sardonically. “Now| will; throw off the shackles of con- let me tell you of my plan,” he said, taking a newspaper cutting from his pocket. “ Here 1s my solution to the holiday problem, and it certainly doesn’t cost five guineas a week. Why not vention “It may be all right for throwing off the shackles of convention,” remarked Mother, “ but nothing would induce me to undress in a thing like that.” adopt it?” « But when it's erected it ‘s perfectly a Why , it’s an umbrella,” commented | solid : Mother, feeling for her ‘glas seh) “ But “So am a said Mother, id and I like | surely you don't expect it to rain all the | room to turn round. No, Ernest, I am as time ?’ | fond of fresh air as anyone-—-you know “That is not an umbrella, it is an| Il always have my bedroom window open illustration of a portable tent,” ex- lat least two inches at night—but air is plained Ernest. “The canvas folds|not everything. Give me a comfortable up and can be carried in the pocket, hed and good catering if I am to go on while the pole also folds and 1s con- | holiday and enjoy ib. You can please vertible into a walking-stick by day. | yourself.” j | Nahi “WeL., BE RIGHTS It's MY B “Oh, they give you more than that, | DONE A WUNNERFUL DEAL OF 'ORSE-CLIPPIN'.” | A wes MiNis . | / ‘Lucky TO FIND A HAIRDRESSER IN A SMALL VILLAGE LIKE THIS.” .N'B BUSINESS AND 'BE’# AWAY; BUT I'v That is the mistake Mother made. Ernest ought not to be allowed to please himself. He doesn't know what is good for him. And, when he de parted on his walking tour accompanied by his tent, his sponge bag, @ copy of Omar KuayyAm, but very little else, Mother felt uneasy “ What will happen if you get your feet wet?" she asked. “I’m sure you ought to take more things with you, ernest.” “What more do I want?” he de- manded, “‘A loaf of bread beneath the hbough——’ "’ “A loaf of bread indeed!” echoed Mother. “ Fiddlesticks! Mind you get at least three good meals a day.” She Ocrover 20, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 315

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Ni | 1 | 316 CHARI ames =") |) mont / / ee 7 ft a IAFF a / ae, MD A SOL a kbbdh ms aa) a, nae aah: fd ba el he Ce: ag FS SS iis Mee * SornRyY “Yrs. THE WRITIN’ ON THE WALL.” rO HEAR YOUR HUSBAND THE TROUBLE IS HE BE AN S LAID UP AGAIN, OLD MAN, — en [Ocroser 20, 1920, Mrs. AND HE Griccs.” WILL TURN A DEAF EAR TO then gave him the address of the board- ing-house where we had finally decided to spend our holidays and told him to| send her a wire at once if he got a cold in the head. * * » * x It was the hour of dinner at Select Boarding Establishment (sep. tables, 3 mins. sea, elec. It., mod.) where we had spent ten days of our entirely select holiday. Everyone was assem- bled in the lounge hall waiting for the| gong to announce the meal. Mother, basking her soul in the atmosphere of gentility, was chatting with the half- sister of a bishop, who was just re- marking that Mother must call on her in town, when a strange fracas was heard at the back of the hall; a mo- the | jment later a strange figure thrust itself | in our midst and looked wildly round “ }irnest!’ ‘murmured Mother faintly. | She was a wise woman to know her | own child under the circumstances. | Perhaps she identified the tent-pole to | which he was still clinging. Otherwise | he was scarcely recognisable. His hair was wild and unkempt, his clothing torn }and damaged. His boots clung to his | feet by the uppers only and were held together by fragments of a sponge-bag. “ Mother!” said Ernest, singling her out from amongst the gay throng. The moment was dramatic. “ 1—] was arrested,” went on Ernest. He spoke in a purely conversational tone, but it’s surprising how far the human voice will carry at times. Every- including the lift-boy and the Belgian waiter, seemed to hear that remark. “ Arrested?” whispered Mother in reverberating tone-waves “Yes. How was I to know that | | had pitched my tent on private pro- | perty and was unwittingly trespassing? | They would have prosecuted me if I | hadn't = * You had _ better up to my room and explain there interposed Mother ; and we followed her, a broken | come woman, to the lift. People fell aside | to make a passage for us. Mother held up until e got to her own room. Then she sat down and | cried. “ Why did you disgrace us like | this?”’ she asked at last of Ernest. | “Was it necessary tor you to come | here? 4 : ‘I had to,” said Ernest ipologeti cally. ‘ You see I hadn't any money.” Mother looked up quicl “ But | what of the extra ten pounds | insisted on your taking with you In case ol emergency ?” | Ernest appeared slightly shame- “ Well, asses hauled me up for trespa left me in the charge of faced. when those fatuous ssing they t gamekeeper while they ‘phoned for the police. I induced the chap to let me go and I had to square him with at ner,” el There was a long paus Mother's | mind seemed to be work it abstruse calculation. Then she dried her eyes and looked up with the triumphant | ; ts the last some smile of the woman who word and wins her point ‘And so, Ernest,” she said cost you five guineas a week 1 “it did »‘ breathe +, the pure air of Heaven’ after all, PRAWLING’S THEORY. (By a Student of Jargon.) By the courtesy of Professor Praw- ling, F.R.S., who has supplied us with the MS. of his recent lecture Psycho-Economical Society, we are In a position to give our readers a full account of that masterly and epoch- making address, of which, strange to say, no adequate notice has so far ap- peared in any newspaper. _ Professor Prawling's credentials, we may premise, are of a nature to inspire the utmost confidence His father, Theodore Prawling, was the inventor of the speedle, that remarkable imple- ment, fully described by Punch in the early seventies, which rendered possible the emulsification of all gelatinoid sub- stances and revolutionised the mar- malade industry. He is duly com- memorated by the fine statue which is one of the principal features of Dundee. His son, however, has even greater before the ——

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Ocroser 20, 1920.) a ae nt "end a i J ————f eae : dle Z tify ty Gy Uy Z V4 ty, Yyi.4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ary “] TRUST YOU'LL EXCUSE ME MENTIONING IT, MY GOOD FELLOW, BUT THAT I8 THE OF THE ROAD.” RIGHT ENTRANCE—ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE claims on our respect and admiration. | Educated at the High School, Crieff, and the Universities of Glasgow, Upsala, the Sorbonne and Princeton, he is gene- rally recognised in the United States ; as the foremost authority on Pado- logical Gongorism and the cognate science of Mendelian Economics. rhe problem with which he grapples ' in his latest contribution to these fas- cinating studies may be tersely summed | Up in a single sentence: Can a healthy metabolism be superinduced on an economic system already showing symptoms of extrinsic conglucination ? Professor Prawling is of opinion that | 1t can, but only if and when the evils of ¢o-partnership and co-operation have | been neutralized by adiastolie synthesis. To compute exactly the extent to which these evils have been developed he has | devised a syncretic abacus, in which, | On the principle of the spectroscope, J | the aplanatic foci are arranged in fluorescent nodules each equidistant from the metacentre. With a frank- hess that cannot be too highly com- mended, Professor Prawling admits that this instrument is founded on Benruam’s Panopticon. But the devia- tions from BentHam and the ex- pansions of his machine are far more practical economics, which, whether we remarkable than the resemblances to it. Prawling—if he will allow u§ the fam- iliarity—is not a utilitarian. His aim is to re-establish our textile pre-emin- ence by reconciling monistic individual- ism with the fullest solidarity of the He is meticulously careful in stressing the point that the demareations arrived at by the use of his abacus are not absolute, but con- ditioned by Erystrety’s theory of rela- tivity. The ancillary industries, each moving in its orbit, whether jurassic or botulistic, must be placed on a con- tractual basis with liberty of prefer- ential retaliation. Thus the whole in- dustrial polyphony is linked up by enharmonic modulations, and throm- bosis—or, at any rate, conglucination of the central ganglia of commerce is reduced to negligible dimensions. At this juncture it is well to point out in the interests of clarity that regurgita- tion can only be avoided by a rigorous adhesion to the canon of CrirrENDEN— that the unit of nutrition must vary inversely with the square of dilution. It will thus be seen that by the logical application of a few simple and easily apprehended principles Professor Prawling has built up a great edifice of social complex. regard it in its subliminal or its prag- matic aspects, cannot fail to have influ- ence on the dynamies of International Industrialism. One word more. The conglucination theory appeals with especial force to Punch, because it reminds him of the kindred and remarkable speculation on Snooling discussed by him many years ago. The new theory, like the old, deserves to be treated “in no spirit of sedentary sentimentalism, but in its largest and most oleaginous entirety. It is no plan for fixing hat-pegs in a passage, nor is it a mode of treating neuralgia with treacle.”” How true and appropriate this is. Mutatis mutandis we may add the further statement that it is “the truest and tenderest thesis that can occupy the most caleu- lating cosmopolite.” The corporate pursuit of a granulated conglucination is perhaps the highest achievement of which the present generation is capable. More Impending Apologies. “ Cardinal Dubois, Archbishop of Rouen, has been translated, as most of us expected, to the Archbishopric in Paris. Being a very distin- guished man of letters, the Académie Francaise would like to include him among the Immorals, but, alas! they are ‘ full inside.’ ” Evening Paper.

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HEADLINING. Tue thrilling incident of the stray cat at “Chez Nous” is never likely to get into the newspapers. On the other hand, lots of incidents which do get in never deserve to. It’s all a question | of head-lining, which is the bluff by | which the public is induced to read matter it would otherwise skip. The affair began while I was in the City. I learnt afterwards that Marjorie (my wife) was crooning to her needles the unmetrical jumper lullaby, “ Six purl, eight plain; then the same all over again.”” Anyhow she was knitting, when she suddenly found herself look ing into the wistful eyes of a tortoise- shell cat which had appeared-—merely | appeared. \s she told me, she softly exclaimed, “A cat!’ (right first time); then, } because it looked so wistful, she directed | the maid to set before the creature a saucer of milk. In fact— HOMELESS BLACK-AND-TAN, LUCKY CHANCE CALL, TOOTING GOOD SAMARITAN. When I arrived home, Marjorie ran into the hall to give me one of her smo ith evening kisses. I stepped for- ward to exchange it for one of my stubbly ones when——— “Oh, Jack,” said Marjorie, “vou ‘ve trodden on her!” “* Her” ” I said. ‘ Who’s ‘her’?” “ The dearest little tortoiseshell stray cat,” replied Marjorie. ‘“ You really might have been more careful.” “T say, that’s rather unfair,” I said. ‘I stagger home tired to the teeth after a particularly thin day in the City, followed by a sardine-tin journey, | and my own wile turns on me in favour of the first outcast cat that comes along. [t's enough to drive a man to dope.’ Or, as the headlines would have it :— NEAR BREAKING-POINT. STRAIN OF BUSINESS LIFE. } ORIGIN OF THE DRUG HABIT. | After a bath and a change I felt better, and came down to dinner hum- ming a sentimental ballad in Marjorie’s honour. But the word “love” died on my lips when I saw that in the lap | of Marjorie’s pretty pink gown reposed | the stray cat. The colour-clash and | the misapplication of caresses which | should have been my monopoly threw ime back with a jerk to a state of bearishness. “Surely you're not going to keep that animal?” I asked. * Of course I am, as long as she likes to stay,” said Marjorie. “She's very | fond of me, aren't you, pussy ? Fonder | than my husband, I 'spect.”

“TI know these stray cats,’ I said. “ Stiff with microbes. Tribes of mangy lovers prowling round the house. A nest |of kittens in my top-hat. I know.” “Poor li'l pussy,” cooed Marjorie. * Don’tum listen to the big coarse man.” “Coarse be——” In other (and more suitable) words HUSBAND'S PROFANITY. MASK OFF AFTER TWO YEARS. PEEVISH ABOUT WIFE'S PET. Marjorie said coldly that she didn't know [ had such a temper. I

said |hotly that I didn’t know she could be | so infantile We went on discovering things we hadn't known about each other: THE TESTING TIME IN CONJUGAL FELICITY, IS IT THE THIRD YEAR? Dinner was an ordeal. I felt: miles A great gulf filled with black-and-vellow cat lay between us. Once only the topic of the beast apart from Marjorie. arose (on the subject of fish-bones) and just as I was becoming big and coarse again the maid entered with the joint. She must have heard what I said. SHOULD SERVANTS TELL? BACKDOOR SCANDAL, Still, the meal itself was a cheering one, and, after Marjorie had risen, the sentimental ballad mood gained on me again. After all, what was a stray cat compared with one’s marriage vows ? If the dear girl wanted to keep the thing we tvould have it vetted, definitely named, and warned as to followers. " Marjorie’s voice interrupted my amiable planning. ‘ Puss, puss,” she called. 1 joined her and stated my decision to relent. * But she’s vanished,” said Marjorie She had. And she has never come back. Ah! those stray cats. NINE LIVES—SPENT WHERE? FOUR-FOOTED NOMADS. FICKLE FELINE FRIENDSHIPS. * Took here, old girl,” I said, “I take back all I said about your little friend. [’m with you that she was the dearest, |most hygienic, most moral cat that ever strafed a mouse.” * Perhaps it’s all for the best that she’s gone,” said Marjorie. The dear girl inclined her head to- wards my shoulder. Well, well. WHAT EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO KNOW IS KISSING DYING OUT? PRACTICIANS SAY “NO.”

More Precocity. “Unfurnished Rooms wanted (two or three), with attendance ; one child, 4} years ; at busi- ness all day.”—Provincial Paper.

318 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL } | | | | | fOcrosper 20, 1920. LOVE'S HANDICAP. A daily paper points out that find their sweethearts in print, ar the hope that when “a real man he may be as brave and tender. Wi ex] ses sch ind clean-living,” as these heroes of fict Dear lady, put down for a minute |

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That book which you eagerly sca l, Intent upon finding within it — Your perfect ideal of a man; [ts pages reflectively closing, Consider a moment the strain Your standard may soon be imp Upon some susceptible swair Those heroes whose fortunes you { | ‘ve noticed are able to show The unparalleled charms of \ pollo The muscles of SAMSON and C > But he who comes seeking to W , May have, for supporting his p A palpable shortage of sinew And beauty distinctly C 3 And, unprepossessing in mien, he May also lack some of the a With which Saccharissa the T'y y Was wooed by Sir Marmaduke, B His tongue may (conceivably) st His heart (not impossibly) qu And in stress of emotion his grammat May even develop a shake. But pause ere you “spurn his ad dresses ;”’ His merits may still be as | As the sort that your hero po seS, Though they leap not so quick t eye; At the least,+you've the cor t of knowing, Since his heart at vo placed, That in one thing at least he is showing A wholly impeccable taste

How Some Advertisers ‘*Tell the Tale.”’ ‘We spin the yarn oursel ve Pera y ) ; fdvt. wn Dai i “<“FULL TERM.’ AN IMPRESSION AT CAMBRID I watch the faces of the ‘me: in many cases, jumping from their trains ; from the north, the south, the east, the west they

come, and they come not alone but 1a ferentes—they carry tennis-racquet Lf- sticks cycles, sidecars, kitbags, g! tor igs trunks, hold-alls.’’ Hefty chaps, these post-war under- graduates. Evening Paper. “ Question.—How much has the time tor crossing the ocean been shortened si the day of Columbus? r. E. C, Answer.—Idaho is a North American Indian ‘Gem of the Mountains’ or ” word meaning ‘Sunrise Mountains.’ st Boston (Massachusetts) Herald. We hope that T. E.C. isn’t going to be put off with such a simple device as this.

Ti —th cons mak blin| vigo page like life brie! You aby: hat, first Lon intri seas whi and in it vers of x bow of \ self prot neec whe

en

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———————————— Ocrcerr 20, 1920.) ——— " ————— _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VERY WELI Injured Party. “It's BUCH A GOOD SHOT WITH A ) SAY WOT 'ORRIBLE LANGWIDGE, BUT ‘APPEN YOUR AIN'T MISSIS OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) Tere is certainly this to be said of Mr. Hua Watro.t —that, having devised a tale of gloom, he allows no weak consideration for his readers’ feelings to deter him from | making the worst of it. I write, having but now emerged, | drawing-room on her “‘ At Home day,” no other guests had | vet arrived. \from M) ithe culprit to another room, or at Surely therefore (save for peremptory orders WALPOLE) she might somehow have removed least denied herself to subsequent callers, who included (of course) the most influential and scandal-mongering of the parish ladies. That is the kind of rather piled-up agony that made me blinking a little at the familiar sunlight (yet oddly in suspect Mr. WaLPoLe of letting his fortitude get at times the vigorated too), from a perusal of the four-hundred-and-seventy | better ot his commonsense. But he has written a big book. pagesof his Captives (MacmiLian). Of course I have nothing | - like space to detail for you its plot. Summarised, it tells the | Mr. E. F. Benson, of whom it might justly be said that life of a young woman, Maggie Cardinal, whom one may | he produces not books but libraries (and the quality of his briefly call the bemused victim of religions—and selations.\colag under these circumstances remains for me amongst You never knew any well-intentioned heroine who had such| the literary wonders of the age), has been at it again. : | Hardly have I finished laughing over Queen Lucia, when I find him claiming a wholly different interest with a volume of personal recollections called Our Family Affairs (CASSELL). | By its theme and treatment this is work standing naturally la little outside criticism; but I can say at once that Mr. seaside parish with its spiritually-dead atmosphere, in| Benson has never written with a more sympathetic charm which Maggie's hopeless married life is spent—all these} than in these pictures of the childhood of himself and his and more are realised with an art that is almost devastating | sister and brothers ; of the various scholastic and ecelesiasti- in its unforced effect. Sometimes I hoped that such uni- | cal homes to which the increasing dignities of that rather versal drabness was too bad to be true; one caught touches | alarming parent, the Archbishop, transported his family; of manipulation, times in which these poor Captives seemed | and (quite the best and most attractive portrait in the col- und less by the chains of circumstance than by the wires | lection) of the mother whom all of them united to adore. of Mr. Watrone. The queer result was that I found my- | There is an actual photograph of her here, taken at the age self believing in his compellingly human characters, but | of twenty, which goes far to explain how she came to be Protesting that such unbroken misfortune could not, 'the heroine of the story; the lurking gaiety and laughter of need not, have encompassed them. To take an example, | it quaintly foretelling the great ecclesiastical lady who, on when Maggic’s “tipsy” uncle was shown into the Vicarage’ one oecasion when the Archbishop was absent, could an- etcetera rigs abysmal luck with both. Her clergyman father, a bad hat, who spared us his acquaintance by expiring on the first page; her semi-moribund aunts in the‘r detestable London home; the circle of the Inner Saints, with their intrigues that centred in the ugly little meeting-house; the or | |

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cecenssesnantnar a 320 PUNCH, OR THE LON {DON CHARIV ARL [OcronerR 20, 1920, | heiress to marry An-} | thony and, worse ed | that, that he has called | | her best to pay then | dance as a peasant girl | gon, which brings about a s nounce to her enraptured children that family prayers should be remitted, “as a treat!" Schooldays at Wellington ; Cambridge; some topical memoirs of the Georgian régime in Athens, and (what will interest many readers most of all) | ( the history of the origin of that famous lady, Dodo—these are but a selection from the contents of a volume that should find hosts of friends. The Girl in Fancy Dress (Hopper and SrouGuHTon) was so very much disguised in one way and another that Anthony, the hero, when he asked her to marry him, even for the second time, was taking considerable risks. The speed of the affair must also have been bewildering. Cynthia, the heiress, arrives on a Thursday to stay with his people, but, having tumbled out of a motor-car into a wet ditch on her way, she is dressed, rather like a stage coster-girl, in garments borrowed from a cottager. Naturally, as of course a nursery-governess is much more likely than an heiress to look like that, Anthony’ s people mistake her for a poor country cousin who is also expected, | prises and Cynthia, discover- ing that her host and | hostess and their dreary | daughters intend the her “the goose with the golden eggs,” fosters the mistake and dos all out. She leaves on the following Tuesday, but before that Anthony has taken her to one! and she has talked to him at another dis guised as a green domino, and he proposed to her as his has cousin and withdrawn | TACT IN TIMi his declaration when he | King Alfred (to shopman). “An! finds she isn’t. Next he| ©™°cKs. How ane THEY SELLING sees her as ul 7 izle nun on THEM, Your MAJEsry. in amateur theatricals, |— and then comes his final meet ng ; with h er in her r proper pe tisfactory ending for everyon: but Cynthia's other lover. don’t say that all these things couldn't have happened ; don't. Mrs. J. own, and Cynthia, a S$ poor re ‘lation of one of the anxi ously best families in a little country town, provides some amusing situations—for the reader. If the shade of Rospert Lovis STEVENSON i je alot of its rights and its copyrights, Mr. JEFFERY P, ARNOL may look to be hauled up before the Recording Angel, on his | arrival, in the matter of his Black Bartlemy’s Treasure | (Sampson Low), which he might just as well have called | Black Bartlemy’s Treasure Island and have done. Never was such frank adoption of ideas; and yet no God-fearing, adven- ture-loving Englishman will regret it. For all my devotion to R. L. 8. I hearti ly enjoyed this elaboration of his idea, | split me (to quote the thorough- going language of it)—split me crosswise else! There are forty-seven chapters and : bloody fight in every one of them, save in the dozen set apart for an interval of refreshment and romance in the } Shopman. “ THey ’Ri SELLING LIKI | isibilities of being his h eiress. l only say that as a rule they | doubt whether anything even temporarily unple ia $0 Apart from that, the bright bustling action of | much as suggests itself ; for ‘ E. Buckrosr’s stoty has a cheerful charm of its | discovered that, in a world still struggling with stale peace- bread, her pink sugar-cakes are not ‘only cheerful to cook 4 mnidillle. Nay, but was not the primitive romance a gentler combat, itself, between Martin ( ‘onisby and Lady Joan Bran don, marooned, solitary, upon the Island where th y did find and lose) a treasure even greater than Black Bartlem y's? | eo having “ consorted with pirates and like rogues” and having “ endured much of harms and dangers, as batt] $ Dattie, shipwreck, prison and solitude,” it seemed we had sighted happiness at last. But even at the very end things took | an ill turn and our Mariin, our dear Martin, is left stranded | and in sorry plight. Yet must there be a sequel to this Had he been left to die on the Island he could not told us his story thus far; the tale is yet to finish. have moreover his last word is th May I be there to hear! I rather think that the lady who elects to write under the name of O, Dovatas did less than justice to the peculiat quality of her own gifts in calling her last story Penny Piain (Hopper anp StouGcuton). Because really such con fecti ionery as. this, covered inches deep with the sweetes! and smoothest and SG) rue of sugar, could never in these days be bought for many | pennies, while as for | plain Most o! the plot (which really isn’t at all the righ word for such caramel stuff) takes place in a ismall Scottish tow where lives a family ( lbook-children |mothered by an eld hit | sister named Jean, all of i them rich in char-r-rm | but poor in cash. To ithis town comes, first, a pleasant single lady with a lord for her brother; secondly an aged man full of money and, because tt e farnily (and the tale) is what it is, Jean, in fewer chap ters than you would j easily credit hasclasped | the young lord to her bi east an di is saying t! 1e correct things to the family lawyer of the aged man concerning the respon- So there you have it. I SER YOU STOCK MY PATENT CANDLE HOT - I MEAN THERE'S QUITE A ‘O. Dovanas” has apparently | but like ly to proves highly remunet rative. A Chnhedin. ‘The —— Manufacturing Co. (The Profiteoring Stranglers).” Advt. in Provincial Paper. “Wanted, 1,©00 pairs running shoes for local expeditionary force jabout to be organised.” North China Dail y News. | be from 1574 to 1 years.” The wise commander always prepares for a retreat. The limits of age for entrance to the [Royal Air Force] college will Daily Paper. “ Perey - has recently joined the R.A.F, He is onl) 199 years | of age. ”"_Local Paper We are sorry for Percy, who will probably get the “ push” as soon as the authorities find out that he has exceeded their very liberal age-limit. er Oc — —_— So & CO hear in th M unlu the pone W | heen | We ' who | him | “ min day Llor atel by t T Cov user Me: Con 1 Hal tho nite wee con und STO ply 7 to Bla sto late ide; the jur ab Br we pal out thi shi his as po off Cal

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AS —————— OcTOBER ~/, ee CHARIVARIA. Some idea of the evils consequent on a coal strike can be obtained when we hear there was talk of a football match in the North having to be cancelled. Mr. Luoyp GEorGE is certainly most unlucky. As a result of the coal strike poned, We are assured that everything has | been done to safeguard our food supply. | We ourselves have heard of one grocer lwho has sufficient fresh i him for many months. eggs to last " Large numbers of South Wales miners left by train yester- | day for the seaside,” says “yf Lloyd's Ne: Unfortun- ately they did not travel by the Datum Line. The Opera House at Covent Garden is to be used as a cinema theatre. Meanwhile the House of Commons remains firm. The Daily Mail Prize Hat has now been chosen, though it is not yet defi- nitely decided whether the wearing of it will be made compulsory. If it we understand that Mr. Wrv- ston CuurcniLy will ap- ply for exemption Is, * Thieves have broken in- to the railway station at | Blaenau Festiniog and | stolen a quant ty of choco- | late. Apparently with the L_ idea of confusing the police, they the name of the station behind them THIRTEEN ? ” left the New World has again been post-| 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | know of, | Beity. “Don'? pi | } |for hours and hours CHARIVAR . “4 " “ R insides of some puff pastry that age for a man to jmarry?” asks Miss Gertm Wenr- WoORTH-JAMES. The answer is, Not vet. An American has invented an “= ; , plane capable of remaining in the air While addressing a meeting of miners ‘ This is nothing to | an extremist declared that the idle rich Mr. Asqurrn’s Irish solution, which is | were the cause of all industrial troubles suaranteed to remain in the air for years | It has since been reported that several and years lof the audience immediately proceeded | home and told themselves off in front tired of | of a mirror. says a writer in The | Brides tting rather Harris's lilies, Daily Graphic [t isonly natural that} We understand that the miners brides should become rather bored if| greatly desire that Ireland will remain they always wear the same sort of quiet for a short period, and thus re- flowers every time they ‘re married. |frain from distracting publie attention ’ | from their cause. Mr. E. Van Incex, a New York | merchant now in London, boasts that! “Lord Northeliffe,” says The New eerie York World, “is always in advance of public opinion.” ‘This is a fitting rejo nder to those who tell us that he is always be hind The Times. We cull the following from a speech of Senator Harpina: “ As I note the corntields I am reminded land and plant and culti- vate the fields in order to We would remind the Senator that, with the Elections draw ing daily nearer, the habit of making such sweeping grow crops.” and unguarded statements as the above is extremely danger us, spMA, I S \ WELVE TIMES im We advise all readers to Do yot I » Wei WHAT Alt IWELVE TIMES , stick to their own particu 1 ” r newspaper, asi len SILLY, GRANDMA, THERE ISN'T 8UCH A THING lar newspaper, as 1 sudden change which are being so care It may bej fully compiled at the present moment } et SA IPS SIP i ET might upset he has crossed the Atlantic one hundred | “ net sales’ Ssixty-e shit and g Pri Limes. against the hibition laws, but we _ Twenty-one persons have been in- | fancy it would be cheaper if he kept a} The up-to-date song-writer, says a Jured as the result of the explosion of | few bottles of the stuff in New York. musical journal, must strike a sad and a bomb in a first-class carriage on the | jsoulful note this season. We are Brazil Central Railway. The culprit,| A medical man advises people to use | already engaged in writing “ The Scots we understand, has written to the com- dried milk on health grounds. We have| man’s Farewell to his Corkscrew.” pany expressing regret, but pointing | felt for some time that what was a out that no seat was available in a{ wanted was a really good waterproof} A theatrical writer informs us that third-class carriage, | milk. The Laughing Husband will be revived ithis year. Not in our suburb, unless A ship's cook has been fined twenty | Mr. E. A. Dovse has spent forty-| the cost of living drops considerably. shillings for refusing to join his ship, | two years in a Cheshire post-office. It [Se his excuse being that he had seen a rat|is only fair to say that the young lady} “The modern Hydra, embracing innumer as big as a cat in the eabin. It was|behind the counter didn't ‘notice him pr Ie he the ee ee ss ae Pointed out to him that only ship's | standing there all that time. ee ; he olluntioate Apmiaticks dupe sae officers are entitled to see rats n the | another to upset the appleca .” cabin. A Hertfordshire farmer, says The Financial Paper. | Daily Mail, has counted one hundred Classical students will, of course, re- A company has been formed at}and twenty-three grains of wheat in| member how cleverly Hercules made Stockholm for storing wind power. | one ear. Our contemporary has not|use of this habit of the lydra to secure There should be a great demand for the vet decided what can be done about it.| the apples of the Hesperides. [eee epitaitaiiidniiathininetii tans a RRS “Speer eee ERA thepetpsenctncntasnninianetctneataanmatsint VOL. chix, that we still plough the | the

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/ 399 TING > oN > ' . , — ‘ : 2 eee | | ae PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. Ocroper 27, 1920 ‘ ' / rticle All reference to the necessity You know the tale mi , | { i ae : ett it i ‘ sp ction to Pathetic 5 X 7 or immediately beheading AsqurrH | p r 1 “ wel eres: Bucperape mitted yesterday Was comforted by " 2 round 1 ‘ to put Phree wormlets fought t ! lunch at the Carlton with Doris Kean! Orde f the Day Pa and the Early Bird rs i WER IS OVE iI can rest a| Hts morats were so ( : could win wars, lhe l, iny pen wv d sone bicarbonate of soda. | i! i] : ¢ 4 ; ; 1 have done it. i a Our Courtly Contemporaries. 1 A\rmis med Spent the dav in ‘* The Earl of Athlone walked L. G. came p t ( v i{ nd A ae re f “eH : . I ha imphal procession trom poets ; heavily masked Ave ; bs? sane ; : . A ira staul t, at each of | cellent We} ned , cel ent dint er ne equally ‘ ch | uiled with applause advice, and he left eartened , High-backed chair of 1 + Pa x % # 1 1660."-—Advt. in Daily Pa feached Versailles i let tl | : : ; il i et the news} } ’ | Dined at Lady R D pn’s. A ° he A Wisthle aunckebiing : We don’t question its genun it crowd there | ne verv gay } tage ie bs ning Uj | infe1 that it has been » | amusing: but Wr | Restoration | INSTON a oe oe | was our hostess { j 3 va na castigated rel for President WILSON but some 1. } him badly. Lady Junzet said that with | t} } } h Al habeas. ed Hot : at wit t £ ist have prevented his comin: ; ht , nie. n ‘ ene ' =" : m apart = er what they begin] Lunched at Paillard’s and dined at > © talk about, ever Cabinet Mi | J we ,ey LDIne iW ai a Gay amnaima P 1 1 i | ‘alge ioe ed . . |! ruc aw an amusing Palais Royal} Would suit a large family 1 e | , it all comes back to food j fa cet be short-tempered in the morning

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a [OcrosEr 27, 1990, A LETTER TO THE BACK-BLOCKS. Dear GINGER,—So you have bought a very promising little gold-mine from a rollicking Irish nobleman called Pat rick Terence O’Ryan, who is retiring | on Mayo to take up the paternal estates. | not an original remark. H-m!—have you? And you think you| yourself will be retiring home presently on the proceeds of the said mine? H-m ! again. There is a certain familiarity in your description of the gentleman. Tell me, has this Hibernian philanthropist a slight squint, a broken nose and a tendency to lisp in moments of excite- ment ? I think I see you nod. Ginger, I once bought a mine from that man. His name was Algernon Maddox Cholmondely then, and he was homeward bound to assume the ances- tral acres in Flint. He escorted me he had put it there with a shot-gun an old “ salter’s”” trick, but new to me at the time. You are not likely to be | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —————_ PEOPLE WE ADMIRE. THE HERO WHO KEEPS UP HIS ARMY EXERCISES, STRIKE OR NO STRIKE. dox O’Ryan-Cholmondely again, but, if} to me. But you know me, Ginger, im- you should, remember me to him, please | petuous, chivalrous, brave ; 1 simply with the business end of a pick-axe. | couldn’t stand there and watch a de- Always delighted to keep in touch with | fenceless woman—moreover a_ good- | old friends. Ginger, you never can tell. One of ow ; George Bernard, unless I err—thought of it before I did; went away into the wilderness, wrapped his grey-matter in wet Jaeger bandages, subsisted on a diet of premasticated grape-nuts and produced this aphorism. And there's a world of truth in it, my son. You certainly never can. One fine morning last August (yes, there was one), I stepped out of my diggings in an obscure Cornish fishing- village to find a gentleman busily en- gaged strangling a lady on the cliff side. He had her by the throat and was brainy boys igradually forcing her over the edge. down the hole and displayed visible} Once in | gold sparkling all along the reef. | week after he had gone I found that Bristol I interposed in a | . A| slogging contest between husband and wife and was very properly chastised for my interference, not only by the} happy pair but by the entire street,| between the eyes—a_ straight This is| like that. | villain | looking woman—foully done to death I flung myself upon the about it. that is to say I spoke to him i * Oh, dash it, old bean,” I said, “draw it mild!” Somebody shouted something behind | me, but I didn’t catch its purport for | the sufficient reason that at that mo- ment the long-suffering cliff gave way and we all went overboard, all three of us, he, she and it—me. Fortunately the drop wasn't terrific not more than four feet or so—and | the tide happened to be in at the time, which was very decent of it. My first thought as I came to the surlace—or, at any rate, one of my first thoughts— was “ What of the woman?” I struck out for the poor creature. At the same who had valuable bets laid on the event. | hander. . . = - ? al ‘Ty’ seeing Patrick Algernon Terence Mad-! That, you say, should have been a lesson moment she struck out for me, and, . 4 .} . ' what is more, she got me too, clean | left - | ere vee “ Out of my way, fathead!” she hissed

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as TS PUNCH, OR THE 1 | Octoser 27, 1920.] ——— ae went on for the shore under her own steam at about forty knots an |hour. I was washed up myself, along | with a quantity of other jetsam, a few | minutes later, to be met by a small! | furious man with a heliotrope com- | plexion and white spats who wagged bunches of typescript under my nose | and informed me that I had absolutely | ruined about twenty million feet of the | Flickerscope Company’s five-reel para i lyser, “The Smuggler’s Bride.” : Of course you say that you saw W hat 'was coming all along. Of course you did. But wait a moment. Yesterday afternoon I was strolling down a certain fashionable street when aloud explosion occurred in a near-by i shop and a cloud of acrid grey smoke came rolling out. Being by nature as inquisitive as a chipmunk I was on the} |pomt of shoving my head round the| door-jamb to see what was up when| ‘caution prompted me to turn round. | Yes, there they were, of course, a tall, thin youth winding away at a cine vamera like an Italian at a barrel-organ, | and beside him a heavy-weight Israelite, dancing a war-dance, waving bunches | of typescript and howling at me to| | stand clear. I had very near ruined a| | further mile or two of film. | I sprang out of range, and then, wish- | | ingtoatone for my previous blunders and | | prove that I really had no malevolent in- | tentions towards a struggling industry | I went round and assisted the caracol- | | ing producer in stemming the crowd Among others I stemmed a pushful | | policeman. I didn't notice he was a} | policeman until he was biting the dust, | | with my stick between his legs. How-| | ever an instantaneous application of | palm-oil made it all right between fey }and he squatted half-stunned on the} kerb, nursing his brow with one hand | my five bob with the other and took no | | further interest in the proceedings. And | very interesting they were, too. | as | rT Three masked men dashed out of the | shop laden with booty and were pursued | | by a fourth, whom they knocked on the | head and left lying for dead on the pavement. Most realistic. The crowd, led by me, cheered like mad Then | the thieves jumped into a waiting car and were whirled away. That done, the photographer and his step-dancing friend leapt into a second car and were whirled away also. Once more we cheered. I made a short speech to the effect that everything was all right with the British Cinema business and, after leading a few more cheers for mnyself, came home. * Well,” you say, “all very jolly and $0 on, but what about it?” °° There's this about it, old compan- tically no hope. lon, just this, that I am very probably ONDON CHARIV Mistress. “WOULD YOU LIKE TO G Mabel. “I sm GOING ovT.” | spending a meditative winter in gaol. | The charge is that I did aid and abet | a peculiarly ingenious gang of desper- | adoes to blow a jeweller’s sale, knock | the jeweller on the head and get safely away with the stuff. I even ac- cused of obstructing the police. An inspector has been round to see me this morning and he tells me there is prac- He advises me, as between friends, to make a clean breast of it, return the boodle, betray my ac- complices, plead mental deficiency and trust to the clemency of the Court. It’s pretty rough, after making all arrange- ments for spending a cheerful Christmas in Algiers, to have it changed to cold porridge in Parkhurst or Princetown. Of the two I hope it'll be Parkhurst, for Princetown, so habitués tell me, is no place for a growing lad when the wintry winds do blow. am ) OUT Thine, de profur dis PATLANDER. MapEL?” THIS AFTER NOON, Rhymes of Unrest. There was a young miner of Ayr Who gave himself up to despair ; For he said, “ If we're paid On our ‘ get,’ I’m afraid That I canna ca’ canny no mair.”’ «“ Strike while the tron is hot,” Said the wise old saw of old: But the miners say, “ What rot! Strike while the weather's cold.” “The art of decoration is alien to painting in this—that you must mix your colours with your brains.”—Daily Paper. We await a reply from the intellectuals of Chelsea. ‘« There is one building now being erected, within a few miles of Manchester as the cock crows.'’—Provinctal Paper. We are unfamiliar with this method of mensuration. 13744 iif ; tian bil ti +i }} it Gee Hi] id] hii

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| 326 PUNCH, OR THE, LONDON CHAR RIVART. ABOUT CONFERENCES. | We may not have coal, but we can : have conferences. A conference is the most typically English thing that there is. The old Anglo-Saxons had them and called them moots. Why they called them a silly name like that, when “conferences” would have done just as well, one can’t imagine; but they had their notions and stuck to them. They would have called Parliament a moot; in fact they did. They called it ' t Sarcastic beggars, | a moot of wise men. og these Anglo-Saxons! The advantages of having a con ference about everything are almost too numerous to explain. For one thing, suppose Smith is coming to see you at 2.30 P.M. “Tt’s no use his waiting now,” you say. “I’ve got a conferenc« at 3. Tell him to come back at 5.30.” | And when he comes back at 5.30 of | course the conference is still going on, so you don’t have to see him at all. There is nothing again that makes you feel so deliciously important as being at a conference. The tot al output of conferences in this country during one yea been computed yet, but it is su pposed | world, except Red India. If there were to be a | ferees, whatever they are called, in England, it is impossible to say what would happen. But it might be possi- ble to lay down a datum line—a shilling extra for the first million words two hundred and fifty million per shift, and two shillings more for every million will never be neces c t mfer are so fond of conferences that ey will never down chairs. And no wi nder. ij}man can hew coal, and only a very { I Only a very strong reckless one can make a speech, | jalmost anyone can confer if he has a | large enough ash-tray; an | there seems no reason why more people shouldn't ‘has never to exceed that of any country in the} strike of conferents or con- | above | words above that. Fortunately this sary, for pe ple who | (Ocronms 27, 1920, | MORE SECRET HISTORY, According to a report in a t daily paper, at the recent Peace Conference hx Idat Spa. wher | the delegates were royally en tained n the } matter of hotel accommodation, n ‘ j the cigar bill (which has been sent in to the | League of Nations and sent it again) jamounted to three thousand two hundred jpounds. What the delegates could n moke | the y seem to have taken awav with tl | ris sweet darkish ti s like these | to see a | Rent in the veil which k . public blind, | ; ; And thus obtain a pretty s l idea F ied : ae Of what goes on behind ; bass | lo note how quite an innocent report ‘Il Reveal apparent trifles which befall, Proving that men whom we si pposed imm ri il Are human after But here, while I can hardly eall you | confer. Kverybody is interested in| blameful | For smoking “free” cigars with so much zest, and the British public oug ht to be admitted t this kind of thing. One | Frankly I feel ‘twas little short of You may be a leader of quite an insignificant body | | confe rences, whatever they are about | j j | is always reading in the paper sound commonsense or the tr that the] aditional | shameful To VO and j th the st £ ana pincen ne rest of workers, like the Nutcracker- ‘Teeth | sense of fair play of the great British I can forgive your huge hotel expenses ; Makers’ Union, but you rub shoulders) public will support the miners in any | . . . . oe Agee beef was rightly of a super-cut ; | at a conference with men whose names | just claim; but this claim is not just or | eet "Be. sy t] | , nodicum of wine aoes whet i are a household word throughout the} just isn't, or something of that sort. 14 ses38 —T * sen S, whole of Great Britain, amongst those | But how do they know what the great Ry t ‘tt ' ' o4 ut those cigars ub, tut! who have houses. The distinguished | British public will feel about it ? They eS and the undistinguished lay their heads jaren’t there, are they? together; the spat-wearing get their] be representatives of the G.B.P. on all feet mixed with the non-spat-wearing ; | The re ought to | view, For there’s a finer aid to meditation, | Muchmoreappropriate,inmy humblk |these conferences. The sy ought to be] you, about this spat-wearing business When Nation nestles check by jow!l likely one of them would have found for it may simply mean that the uppers|out what a datum line is, are very badly worn, or that only that |'There’s a man who very bright pink pair of socks came|train witl home from the wash this week, or even | thinks he that there areno socks underneath at all. But anyhow, at a conference, Tor, Dick and Harry hobnob with Bob James and George, and all are equal, | and having a lot of representatives from the public on them all, and paying them except perhaps the chairman, who has | two more pens in front of him and | well for it, one could a much larger ash-tray. Mr. Bevin|the unemployment and Sir Ertc Geppes smile affably across at each other, and the Priwe | be brought to see that this is the only Minister and Mr. Cramp find out how much they have in common, such as} consistent with the Anglo-Saxon sense love of poetry and pelargoniums. The} of justice, and capable of leading to a mine-owner offers the miners’ repre-| satisfactory Exploration of Avenues, sentative a cigarette, and the miners’| Finding of Bridges and Discovery of representative says to the mine-owner,} Ways Out, we may all achieve our life’s | } | though there is rather a fake, sony, er nagobagely rota, like jurymen. Very | anyway me in the morning who snows, but unfortunately he gets out at Croydon so we haven't found out yet. By having a lot more conferences problem for the statesmanlike course, a “ Many thanks, old boy; but I'll have | ambition some day and open the morn- one of my own.” And after it is over| ing paper to find that we are being read they all go out and stand arm-in-arm in | a long row to be photographed for the 4 ILLIAMS, Mr, Liuoyp GrorGcr, Mr. papers, and are read next morning from | J. H. Tuomas, Lord RippEtt,” and so | left to right. It is the ambition of|on and so on, till you come at last to | every properly constituted En glishman | « J. Smith, E % R. B. P.,” smiling the | to wake u ip some morning and find that | widest of all. R.B.P.’s, I think, should his ag is being read from left to| wear a disting nce oy ‘mark a single right; but how few “succeed. vor. Spat per haps. Nation, comes up in the} 1 practically settle | | winter If the Government can only ind thesolecourse | at last from left to right. “ Mr. Roprrr | j | with And far, far cheaper too So, if you’d really slay Bell i's bow- wows, ; | Might I suggest your vicious ways should cease, | And that in future you conduct you pow-wows Over the pipe of peace ' An Affectionate Diminutive. ‘Lord Buxton, who retired this summer |from the post of High Comm ner and | Go ernor General of South Africa, has been | made an early.” —Daily Paper. A correspondent, referring to Mr. Punch’s quotation (from an Australian paper) of the title of a song, “It was a Lover and His Last,” suggests “ Ne suitor ulira crepidam.” On the coal strike :— “We look to the Government to keep all | doors open We look to th put to keep j | cool.”-——- Westminster Gazette | The pub lic should have no difficulty in doing its part if the Government do | theirs.

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_FUNCH, yk THE 1 v se «ov ONDON CHARIVARI. net eeeeteeete ‘GER ARE YOu GOING TO KEEP bast . vy ? pats THE TUMBRiL, - TRANSPORT: PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.

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328 _PUN CH, OR THE LON ‘DON CHAR ho turned him out was a patriotic and THE CONSPIRATORS. hr admirer of the wine of the V. country. My pear Cuaries,—-Let me remind Our Little Man had no vulgar idea you that the Bolshevist c nspirator | of getting the secret out of him by has to stir up conflagrations in other|making him drunk. If there was a | countries without leaving his own. | secret 1t wouldn't be in the door-keeper Passports and things are put in to | But he and that door-keeper got to make it more difficult when he comes] drinking together and the door-keepet to getting his inflammable material and | did all the paying; the drinking and | directions for use over the frontier. | the paying went on by = ssive de- So he has to invent a way over the! grees till the door keeper obstacles. aa The first prize is awarded to ¥ on ay the following: Secret instruc- tions are printed in Arabic and the pages containing them are bound up in a five hundred had no money {OcTroBeR 27, 1 120. ai, IVA ARI. ion a safe. Our Little Mai wn Sheets divulged that he was in reality mercial traveller in safes; if the doo; keeper would get his employer to buy one of his safes the Little Man w yuld forgive him his debt by way of com- mission. He felt surethat the Head of the Office had a weakness for nu com . pre Cau tions. Che door-keeper, now et! ithusi | astic, said he should just think he had | The Little Man felt he was vettin i warm, The door-keepet put the dea through and prevailed upon his master to instal a really safe safe in the office, instead of the old one. You had only to look at it to see it was impregnable by fire, water or the King’s Ene — | | page book in that language. The mies. But one set of keys stayed | courier, an Oriental, carries this with the Little Man. book openly in his hand when | The drinking (by bot! und | | he presents himself at the fron the paying (by the door-keeper) | tier. It is ten to one that an| | were resumed. When the debt innocent - looking book, thus | lwas again large enough the carried, will not be suspected ; Little Man imposed new terms a hundred to one against there \ | This time he wanted to see the being an official capable of read- Head of the Office himself, to | ing it; five hundred to three | | put further deals throu; The | against that official trying one | | door keeper thought deeply, but | of the guilty pages, if he is there | bye see no harm in this. The and duly suspicious. Yet, with | Little Man was thus introduced | | a hundred and sixty-six thou- \iabo the presence, and st irtled | sand chances against it, our | it by pointing to thes und Little Man got hold of those} / |offering to do burglar on it any | instructions. Inight of the week. The Head | The Sherlock Holmes of fiction | was manifestly concerned | is a gaunt figure, with a hatchet “We have here,” said the | face, spare of flesh. Our Little Little Man, producing two for | Man is a chubby lad, standing midable slabs of steel hinged | about four foot ten in his stock together and leaving room be | inged feet, rubicund and corpu- tween them when locked for a lent, and he wears a mackintosh wad of papers only we have with a very mackintoshy smell | here a special strong box exactly | in all weathers. He never did a | suited for the storage of you day's work, and he never means | bank-notes. Put them in this to try, but he is & genius at get- > box, and the box in t sale } ting it out of others. Some Say } — Ceirvfraset, land then you really are ahea l of | he is of Swiss origin, some say yi | your enemies.” | he is American, and some say | _ Gules, “T DIDN'T 'ARDLY AGREE WI" THI VICAR IN WO1 ‘ The Head bought He gave | that surely he must be Chinese : & SAID ABOUT THEM EARLY MARTYRS BEIN’ THROWN TO THE | 4}. Little Man less money than he was never certain himself un- | aes o Saas wlenrs Se ae ee ee ee had spent on the strong box | til Czecho-Slovak was in vented, | fithes aie a » ‘on comveonsunr epee exam 20." land the Little Man gave him | and he plumped for that. He! ica ' less keys than he was entitled to | has the degree of Master of Arts; what |and only astill almighty thirst left. The} The anaking and the debt were re | arts I don’t know; probably the black | Little Man left him with his thirst for| | cumad. and, when it came toa question ol | ones. His inner knowledge of the hu-|a few days, until it became intolerable, | settlement for the third time, the Little man species seems to give him plenty | and the door keeper insisted that some-| Man pointed out to the door-keeper that, | to laugh at. He notices everything, | thing simply must be done about it.|if he hadn't the money to repay, then | forgets nothing, and there is never a |The Little Man regretted that he could| he must steal it. He now divulged weakness j in aman but he is on to it.| not give the necessary money to finance | that he was not really a broker, but a | He made up his mind that those secret | further orgies, but he would gladly breaker of safes and strong boxes. He instructions were passing and set about —— it. Four nights got the door- |handed the door-keeper a key of his | to find how they — img gre they 1 his debt, and our Little | keeper well i Man then “ei to talk about repay- the beginning, so he bees in at the end.| ment. The door-kee yper said he had no He called in person, as & commercial; money; the Little Man said he must traveller, at the suspected office of| get it. Off whom? His employer. destination, and in the short time avail- How was the door-keeper to get his able ascertained that the door-keeper | employer's money off him? By selling were. He was too laz » begin a employer's safe. In the sate w vuld be found the strong box. In the strong box would be found some notes of high value, unless he was very much mistaken So the door-keeper went and ope! ed the safe and returned. And the Little Man opened the strong box, and he twas

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a Ae Ocroser 27, 1920.) PUN

$ PE aA ia — <j

| note there; just half-a-dozen pages torn out of a book printed in Arabic. | strong box one on the lid for itself, with | first time at the Little Man’s expense, Man returned to the door-keeper with | the strong box, now capable of being | graphs had been developed, printed and | However, he said he had a friend who | the office and put back the strong box,

very much mistaken. There was never a He was so angry that he gave the the result that he couldn't lock it again. could lock or unlock anything, and he la * . left the doorkeeper drinking, for the while he took off the box to be repaired by his friend. The latter happened to be in the next room with a camera. The pages were photographed; the Little re-locked ; the door-keeper returned to locked, into the safe, which he also locked, and was w iping the sweat off his forehead and congratulating himself that no one was the worse, when he was startled to find a policeman had been watching him all the time. But he proved to be a very amenable policeman. He said he would take no action before he and the door-keeper had had time to talk it over next day. By the time that talk came the photo-

CONCENTRATION. translated. But the policeman did | not wish to bore the door-keeper with the tiresome details. To put it quite shortly the policeman thought it was a most excellent crime, worthy of repe- tition at intervals. Yours ever, (To be contin ued.) Henry.

NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. Taz — I never know why it should be So rude to talk about the ———. What funny folk we are! I think we've got the jealous hump Because we see we ‘ll never jump So skilfully and far. For, if one’s nibbled by a gnat Or harvest-bugs or things like that, One seldom keeps it dark ; One may enlarge upon the tale If one is gobbled by a whale Or swallowed by a shark ; But if you speak about the bite Of this abandoned parasite You ‘re very, very rash ; So sure is it to raise a frown I dare not even write it down ;

I simply put a ——.

None but an entomologist Will quite admit the things exist, And generally they insist On using other names ; For, when at night Professors leap Out of their scientific sleep Because these little devils keep Playing their usual games, They never shout, “ A something, something, something 99 It seems to be (The word is never used, you see, Except by artisans) ; No, as they fling the bedclothes high They give a wild but cultured ery, “Confound it! Botheration! Hi! A Pulex irritans !” A. P. H. Our Ruthless Motorists. “Triumph 1920 4h p Model H, also Baby, both brand new ; sacrifice, £5 off each.” Motor Journal.

“It was intended to hold mock trials in order to familiarise women with court proce- dure and ‘ legal shibboleths.’ When I saw her to-day, Miss - ‘techniaclities’ would have word.” —Hvening Paper. said that a better

been We hate to contradict a lady, but we cannot agree.

ee

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Aggrieved Profiteeress (studying prot Like AS NOT ME AN’ YOU'D BE THE ROSES, OR SOMETHINK.’ WORKING FOR PEACE. (Extracts from the Diary of Mr. Joh Robert Boffkins, Trade Union Leader Monday.—Rose with a heart over- flowing with love towards my fellow- men. Industrial strife must cease Strikes are a barbarous and _ futile method of redressing wrong. Rather think that an increase in wages of two | shillings a day would appeal to our | members. | members they | bitter end. Must inquire. Tuesday.—Have contirmed my opinion that a two-shillings’ increase would ap- peal to our members. They all seem enthusiastic over the suggestion. They appear to be under the impression that the idea is their own. It is not. It is mine. If it materialises I shall be most popular. But I am all for peace. A strike is out of the question. spare no effort to prevent one Wednesday.— Presented formal de- mand to employers to-day. Told our must be firm to the The two-shillings’ increase is their strict due, and united front, the grasping capitalist will | be brought to his knees. night and day for peace. Thursday.—Pointed out to the em- I shall | Am working | thei PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. tpns Of th Peerage). “Wer, 1 pon’? SEE AS WEARIN’ CO! , if we present a | fOcroBEeR 27, 1920. THEY I Y CAI TO LOOK [A ONI rHIS MINUTE IF ALL OUR ANCESTORS ’ADN'T A-BEEN ¢ rt OFF IN [ they five way We can make no con aeie LS i oe . Bist cession My whole energies are con A GUIDE TO GREATNES d on preventing a strike. ‘T'old I unless they remain will them national calamity spell ruin to the The pos 3) irm the emplovers A strike would be a and might I aay crush country bility of a strike jlooms larger. Can nothing be done to a event it? Informed the employers | that we declined to abate one iota of our claim “All or nothing” is mott ot to. Also refused to go to arbitration. Warned means s the employers tarvation for women dren. The prospect Saturday.—T that a strike and chil appals me to be determined on a ottered the strike, men two shillings if they | will consider the question of working | five days a week instead of four. We refused their offer and demanded that should be conceded uncon- ditionally by failing which } oul — noon, our members wot ild ce ase Later.—The strike | Heave that I did everything to prevent it which human being could do Th 1@ Ca Wwol k. has commenced, n know pitalists seem to have made up salen tes onic abet war perwows upon the country. The spec tacle of little children starving causes ployers that a strike is inevitable unless! me acute distress our | rhe employers, whoseem | have | and all its Mr. JAcon EpstTetn maint t man to be a creat ead an orderly domesticated [ courtrD the Muse as a » [mmured in a Bloomsbury And yearned for the For fees fat ; But editors, far The worth of the pea is that | At their feet, had ; The same with indelicate | But »« The sweetest and neatest of L found, after peering Or imparting : that were req from dis way ol} spousing, a a tatel That spire, In a truly remarkable fashi: My s i] 0 the ul W ith ce lesti Serenity reigns in the hou l've cancelled my Kate My lyrieal efforts are now sold eruds } | At a simply phenomenal ra And, whether I'm laying the lu Or bathing the babes, I 1 | The job as a cushy one I kn Vi The way to succes ed as ih hard kudos of Wi i polish to knives, I could scribble with frenzy and pass breaking of coal would in senoid year or two late

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LONDON CHARIVARI. —OcToBER 27, 1920. OR THE PUNCH, OF JUSTICE. 5 ’ Ah SCALE «“T WANT TO KEEP THE BALANCE. YOU THE TOGETHER.” BOTH THEN, BEGIN—AND THEN PERHAPS I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.” NOW Siz Ropert Horne. Tue * BO. MINER.

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nl Ocroser 27, 1920.) nnn PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ne 333 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Tuesday, October 19th.—A start was made with half a hundred Questions, and, considering that most of them had been in cold storage since before the Recess, it was surprising how fresh they remained. Persia and Mesopo- tamia—not to mention Ireland—are not vet ratified; the cost of living con- tinues to rise, and the ratio of un- employment has alarmingly advanced, especially in the case of ex-service men. These last are to be found work in the building trades, with, it is hoped, the assistance of the trade unions, but, if that hope is disappointed, then with- out it. The country requires half-a- million houses built. “Here are men who could assist,” said the Priwez Minister,‘ and we propose that they should be allowed to assist.”’ Over a prospect al- ready sufficiently bleak there broods the shadow of the coal- strike. Sir Ropert Hornk, in presenting the case for the Goy- ernment, was admir ably clear but, perhaps naturally, a little cold Only when the new lighting arrangement had flooded the House with artificial sun- shine did the Minister warm up a little and hint that a way of peace might yet be found, é I wonder if it was Aw La PLC, GREEN I began his plea for the miners with the admission that they had only dropped the demand for the reduction of fourteen shillings and twopence in the price of domestic coal when they discovered that “the money was not there.” Anyhow the laughter that en- sued served to put Members into a good temper and to cause them to lend a friendly ear to his suggestion that the two shillings advance, though in his be “temporarily ’’ conceded, pending the establishment of a tribunal which should permanently settle the condi- tions of the mining industry. The in- crease of output whieh everyone desired would then be brought about. Most of the speakers who followed Seemed to think that Mr. Brace had Sown the seed of a settlement. It was left to the Prime Mrvister, who evi- —_—,... still unsettled; the Turkish Treaty is| ) view only “dust in the balance,” should | dently did not relish the task, to awaken the House from its beautiful dream. He pointed out that to accept the proposal would be to give the miners what they had originally claimed, without any guarantee that the greater output would be forthcoming. If it were not forth- coming and the two shillings were taken away, what would happen? “A strike,” * Precisely,” said Mr. Luoyp Grorae; only it would have been provoked by the Govern- ment instead of by the miners. He was not prepared to do business on those lines. cried someone, And so.the debate came to an end by accident or artifice that Mr. Brace} Question. rather than a conclusion Wednesday, October 20th.—The Peers i] plunged into the morasses of the Trish ». “Annan! GET OUT WID YEZ AND LET TH Lord Crewe asked for an official inquiry into the alleged “ re- prisals ” and particularly instanced the attacks upon the creameries. Rather than that Ireland should be “ pacified ’ by such methods as these he would see her engaged in civil war, “fairly con- ducted on From these words it may be gathered that his lord- ship's knowledge of civil war is happily not extensive. Furnished with a voluminous brief from the Irish Office, Lord Curzon made a long reply, the purport of which was that many of the reprisals were bogus, many were actions under- taken in self-defence, while the rest were generally due to men “seeing red” after their comrades had been brutally murdered. The Government did not palliate such cases, and had instituted inquiries and taken disciplinary action against the offenders, when known ; both sides.” but they were not prepared to set up a public inquiry such as Lord Crewn had demanded. It would only substi- tute “a competition in perjury” for the present ‘competition in murder”- a somewhat infelicitous phrase by which, as he subsequently explained, he did not mean to imply, as Lord PaRMooR suggested, that police and rebels were engaged in a murderous rivalry. Simultaneously the House of Com- mons was engaged upon an identically similar debate. Mr. Arraur Henper- SON Was as lugubrious as Lord Crewr lin presenting the indictment and dis- | tinctly less adroit in selecting his facts His theory was that the Government | had proyoked the Sinn Fein outrages by its treatment of the people. Why, women had been prevented from taking their eggs to market! Sir Hamar Green- woop spoke from the brief as Lord Curzon, but threw far more passion and vig ur into its recital. There had been some reprisals, he admitted, but they were as no- thing compared to the horrors that had pro = voked them; and he protested against the that ‘the heroes of yesterday the R.L.C, is mainly same novion recruited from ex-ser- had turned murderers, As for the creameries, he s had never seen a tittle of evidence that they | had been destroyed by servants of the | Crown, and he warned the House not to believe the stories put out by the propaganda bureau of the Lrish Repub- licean Army. He was still a convinced Home Ruler an Ulster hot-gospeller had accused him of being a Sinn Feiner with a Papist wife !——but the first thing vice men into E LADY PASS. That they were doing, and there was no case for Mr. Henperson’s “ insulting reso- lution.” The Opposition for the moment seemed stunned by the CHIEF SEcRE- TARY's sledge-hammer speech, No one rose from the Front Bench and Lieu- tenant-Commander Kenworthy had to overcome his modesty and step into the breach Later on, Lord Rospert Crcru, on the strength of information supplied by an American journalist, supported the demand for an inquiry. and end the rule of the assassin. to do was to break the reign of terror | i Wh bidi Ht Ht

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334 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Harassed Secretary So did Mr. Asquir, on “the aaah that it would be in the interests of the Government of Ireland itself; but this argument was obviously weakened by Mr. Bonar Law’s reminder that in 1913 and 1914 Mr. Asguirn himself had deprecated inquiries in somewhat simi- lar circumstances. The Government had a very good division, 346 to 79; but there were many abstentions. Thursday, October 21st.—It was, no doubt, by way of brightening an unutterably gloomy week that Mr. L’EstranGe Manone, who has not hitherto been known as a humourist, | invited the Government to intercede at Washington for the release of the notorious JAMES LARKIN, now languish- ing in an American gaol. Inasmuch as LARKIN had been convicted for having advocated the overthrow of the United States by violence, Mr. Harmsworrs did not think H.M. Government were called upon to intervene. Mr. MaLonr understood from this that the Govern- ment had no sympathy with British subjects in foreign lands, and so he got another laugh. Commander Betuarrs thought it would be a good idea if the League of Nations, pending the discharge of its more important functions, were to offer rewards for world-benefiting discoveries such as a prophylactic against potato- blight. Sir Jonn Rees saw his chance and took it. “ Does the League,” he in- | quired, “ declare to win on Phosphates, | Fs Cy J q’ , Af? Z 1/7, tf inter, fy Peace or Potatoes ?””—thus supplying proof positive that he owes his precise pronun ciation to past practice with ‘prunes and prisms.” It was rather impudent of Mr. Apam- son, who has just been instrumental in throwing out of work some hundreds of thousands of his fellow-citizens, to ini- tiate a debate on unemployment. Most of thespeakers endeavoured to throw the blame on “the other fellow ’"—the Gov- ernment on the trade unions, the trade | unionists on the employers, and the em- ployers on the Government. A welcome exception was Mr. Hopkinson, who boldly blamed the short-sighted selfish- ness of some of his own class. Employés would not work their hardest to “‘ make the boss a millionaire.” Asa fitting finale to an inconclusive debate the Prive MINISTER announced that in order to force a settlement of the coal-strike the railwaymen—Mr. Tuomas, appar- ently, dissenting—had threatened to join the unemployed. Our Erudite Contemporaries. “Willard was game and well trained, and in stature he was Goliath to the Daniel of Dempsey.”—Evening Paper. A Davip come to judgment ! “The rate plague has deve loped to an alarm- ing extent in Thanet, and considerable anxiety is felt, especially as there appears to be no effective preparation of poison to exterminate them.”— Evening Pa; er. CHAR LY ARL. . “I SAY, YOU NEEDN'T MAKE BUNKERS, And Thanet is not the only place. (Oc: TOBER 27, 1990. - Z3 ey if ~—e- \. WAN \ mare AY? \ Lath) 7 ' VEE (/ YOU KNOw.” THE TYPE-SLINGE] Birine and keen as any razor The fluent pen of Lovar Frasei And swift as arrows, thick as hail, His outbursts in The Daily Ma Exposing in impassioned phrase The Premirr’s wild and wicked ways. And yet the Premier doesn’t No, not a bit—the pachyderm! But goes about with cheerful mien, As if such things had never bee! squirm, So Lovat Fraser grows emphatic In efforts to be more dogmatic, And down the column, once a week, His shrill italics fairly shriek. But does the Premier bow his back And go and give himself the sack? Not he. Indeed, for all he troubles, His critic might be blowing bubbles. It’s up to Lovat Fraser now To make an even bigger row ; L’d like to see the sturdy fellow Write articles that simply bellow. I think the Premier might perhaps Shiver and possibly collapse Ir LovatT GOT TO WORK IN “CAPS.” The Black Swan of Avon. “A NatiIvE DraMa Entitled ‘Tau vere ki pani’ (Popularly known as Merchant of Venice, but beautified and enlarged to local taste), Inter- spersed with Popular pours ues, latest Songs, etc. Will (D.V.) be rend ered by the —— Guild.”— West African Poste 1@trea*oco a Ss = oo =—-> 75 = @& a ee ee ee ee ee ee. ee Saree ee a ee EE ll nl lL ll

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TEE Ocroser 27, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE REVIVAL OF OLLENDORFF. From the memories of my mid-Vic- torian childhood, before the instruction of a governess had reached @ point at which the plunge was made into a pre- | paratory school, three names emerge | with remarkable distinctness. ‘ Little Arthur,” from whom I derived my | eatliest knowledge of the History of | England; “ Henry,” by whom I was grounded in the rudiments of the dead Latin tongue (but who must be care- fally distinguished from James Henry, the Virgilian, who in turn had nothing whatever to do with Henry JAmes the novelist), and OLLENDoREF, the illustri- ous author of a series of manuals for the teaching of living foreign languages. OutENvDorrF®, | fear, is not even the shadow of a name to the present gener- ation. There is no mention of him in The Encyclopedia Britannica or in Chamber's. and in MENDEL’s voluminous Conversa- | tions-Lexikon there is only a brief refer- ence to the Ollendorffian method, but no account of the man or his history. Yet he must have existed; OLLENDORFF as students of SHAKSPEARE have endea- voured to reconstruct the man from his | plays so I feel sure that the character | of OLLENDORFF, his interests and poli- ties, might very well be reconstructed from a study of his dialogues. One must admit that his Teutonic patrony- mie is an obstacle to his revival, but that difficulty can be surmounted by the adoption of an alias. For example, by the omission of one of the “ f’s ” and the transposition of one other letter his name, read backwards, becomes Frondello, which is at once euphonious and void of all racial offence. The Ollendorffian method, it may be noted for the benefit of the ignorant, did not merely depend on the employ- ment of question and answer; it aimed at conveying information drawn from the homely affairs of daily life and the relations between persons belonging to different trades and occupations. “ Have you,” OLLENDoRFF would ask, “ the hat of the gardener’s son?’’ And when this had been duly and correctly trans- lated into German or French the pupil proceeded to the answer, “No, but I have the boots of the grocer’s brother- in-law,”’ I think OLLENDorrF built better than he knew: or perhaps he did know. A strong vein of Socialism runs through all his examples, which seem to show a lively appreciation of the Communistic Principle. To him there was nothing Wrong or dangerous in this mutual interchange and enjoyment of property. Le Even in his own country | he seems to have lapsed into obscurity, | cannot have been a mere symbol. And | | He drew no hard-and-f: meum and tuum. i thinking that, at a time when so much Shabbily-dressed person, “I'VE LOST THE OVER THERE.” Attendant. “I musT ASK YOU YOU INDICATE I8 QUITE NEW.” TO FIND THE TICKET, SIR, PLEASE, I Tuat’s IT LICKET, BUT LEFT A HAT. THE HAT THAT ist lines between We cannot help depends on the fusion of classes, a new edition of these immortal dialogues, brought up to date so as to meet the exigencies of the new poor, the new rich, the old aristocracy and the new plutocracy, would be fraught with the most salutary results. The following are some crude sugges- tions of the lines on which the revision might be carried out :— “Have you the leathern waistcoat of the taxi-driver ?’’—*“ No, but I have the reach-me-down trousers of an in- ferior quality to those worn by the village postman.” “ Have you thesmooth-running auto- mobile of the prosperous grocer ? ""— “No, but I have the loan of the push- bicycle of my former under-gardener’s uncle.” “Are you going to marry the beau- tiful daughter of the shoemaker ? "— “Yes, and her brother has just become engaged to the widow of my cousin the marquis.”

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J | tunately the effect of t) | | viding the enough critic to agree with me in think- ing that this is the best play he has so far given us. as new as that of his sacrificing his lightness of touch and his produced a serious scheme. Act was the weak spot in the play; that the others were brilliant, this one, for and delayed the action. this because they are sentiment. Yet it 536 a UI NCI AT THE PLAY. “Tur Romantic AGE.’ I work that Mr. Anan Minne isa good Not that the idea of it is Mr. Pim or his Werzel-Flimnmery, but because, without sense of fun, he has, for the first time, People will tell you that his Second but that its first half, was tedious They will say familiar humour, but not A. M.'s with his was in this middle} Act that he gave us the best passage « f all, in presenting the philosophy of his with | pedls ur, Which had in it some ‘thing of the dewy scene in the wood (* freshness of the early morning norning sat seven, Pim There was no ere, for said en pas real delay in the the pedlar was pr! hero with the argument vithout which he could persuaded the lady to yield; have made her understand that Romance is not — to the period, or any age, so na as Pippa not Mr. i sant). action never | ave could never | trunk-and-hose | med, of chivalry, | but is to be Niwa wherever there is a true companionship of hearts. Unfor S passage Was a little spoilt by what had just gone ] 4 | before—a rather slow and superfluo | of the audience imagined t j j i | | idiot and somée scene with the village itthe author was still marking time Mr. Mune has an individual manne go distinct that he can Well afford t acknowledge his debt to Sir James 3ARRIB. As in Mary Rose, so here| (though there are no supernatural forces at work) we have the sharp contrast between commonplace life the rest, and the life of Fairyland, as coming within the vision of And we Midsummer-madness that overtook the company in Dear Brut that it wasn't natural enough for] Melisande, under the moonlit Midsummer Eve, to imagine, | | | as lived by one only were reminded too of the when she chanced upon a gentleman in i fancy dress of the right period, that at last she had realised her dream of hero of she was stark | Midsummer-mad to suppose, when she | met him early next costume unchanged, a} romance ; but t Inorning W ith his | rat he would kee p| it on till he came to te cape aah 1e family and then, still wearing it, waft he: off | to Faerie. But not even Barrie has ever made a better scene than that which showed | I won't say | « fascination of al} |much stress at t Le “OR THE “LON us the MiMteclamanent of when she is confronted with her blue- and-gold hero of roma formed into a man, his air of the last humour of nee now trans plain Stock Exchange banality en} anced by word in golf suiting this made conventional conversation with real effort to conceal her of the bathos of the situation, was very periect. of the mate 1 scene, 1n lich she out any sense The relatively simple humow h-making mother—not so simple, all the same, as its spontaneity appear had the which one expects of Mi this was far the made it distinction MiLNE; but funniest feature in the ° | play. Mr. A HN hf). *Were DON'T THINK iH ¥ I IN rt It would ve be CUS\ itter to ike cheap fur s Mark Twain did 1 Yankee at the ¢ Aang Ai ‘ { the pular view of the Age of Romance, but 4.A.M voided = that »byious lure. Indeed, in his natul il anxiety not to be taken his first too seriously in attempt to be serious, he rathet tended to make light of tis own theory aying a little too he end on the culinary aspect of conjugal felicity [ am not sure that Mr. Artruur WontTNER (to whom m : . my best wishes of modern romance, | rhis new m | ip) quite realised, us doublet and long hose, my idea f a figure of medieval romance. In free to confess that I dis Melisande and preferred But perhaps act | am agreed with him in his golf-clothes that Was part of the idea, and Mr. | NDON _ Cc THARIV AR 5 the visionary Mir, NE | | | other-worldly person in | the only one in desperate earnest Tl e | . ; Was never too preciou {October 27, 1920 meant me to feel like that Miss Barnara Horre's Mei; | difficult part, because she was the only the play and Was very cleverly handled. In YS exalted moments of poetic rapture she s, and when called upon for a touch of correct was quick to respond Miss Lorriz VENNE laid lout in her inimitable way f ' broad i iterpretation of the \ nary’ ;very earthly mother; indeed once or jtwice she almost laid hersel| it of the picture ; but she stil remained sistible. Asa pair of | urted }young lovers Miss Dor THY ind Mr. Joun Wi.wiams p! well in parts that LETLEY were not nearly so ASV as they Was the dry h imour of NI Br MLEY DAVENPORT, as +] must have mi uls) and t e open-air chart f Mr NICHOLSON’S performance i hed? Susan, the pe lar, In a i omy itetul con pu ments ein ( $f d cast as ever penacaral ind l—the spirit of an author PRISCILLA AND THE PR ATR. When you have been by Cyn t t chureh-dooi s iiterwards na ht ot p ry P) tat sight (ot coi \ t lwa seta Pris ttoc t rrangement but M By ‘ Gore had ay ne ward ) want | } freeaom {I right), you may think to Faithless One that you hay | proof of your indifference t But you mustn't dash off to A iter your wedding with t! red ntention of being eaten by v men o1 wilder beasts, because, if j that you give your scheme away and ( thea will have the satisfaction ol nowing it he has driven you to caesperate COUTSeS Yet that 8s What } Bei ey Si t Gore did (hewas the “ Profligate oO! esas saphena: he never gave ny 1.1 noticeable After this on of pr itligacy strain on my jfelt prepared for anything, and was not in the least surprised to find him, six years older and still intact, on the ¢ jauthor, ' terrace of the Hotel Casa Bellin by the dear old Lake Magguore, which, as the programme advised me, is in Italy It natural thing in the world that the Miss Laura Wupia, should have collected Priscilla and Cynthia the latter in third-rate millionaire husband whom she loathed) at the same address. It was at juncture ‘ shores of “ae : ‘ seemed, too Ce Tost tow ol i this looked \ i tive ol a aenwns & + 2 Tea r.~)

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Ocroven 27, 1920] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. — SRS SDA MAOH BE ASE WASS FAQ bien a 5 er SP Va : “+ 4 ws me. SOY + f mer ik} i407 hE’ : ie % \ ni K ray AaB Ai =” Diner. “1 say, WAITER, I'VE ASKED THREE TIMES FOR POTATOES.” Waiter (still under the influence of military discipline). “Bea parpon, Sir, put I’M TOLD OFF TO CONCENTRATE ON THE CARBAG Bensley Stuart Gore was inspired with | MonD got very little colour out of the| Holly logs will burn like wax, |a@ Great Thought. In order to set} part. For the rest, Mr. H. pk Lanae, as | You should burn them green ; | DP _ . } 1 1 ‘ ; Priscilla free (1 ought to say that he! the millionaire, got a certain amount out | Elm logs like smouldering flax, hadn't recognised her) he would elope of the subject of his wife’s indigt stion, No flame to be seen | with Cynthia. How Priscilla set out| which was a sort of lett-motif with| Pear logs and apple logs, to frustrate this noble sacrifice and! him: but most of the colom seemed | Thev will scent your room: | | secure her husband for herself: how! to have gone into the scenery, admir-| Cherry logs across the dogs | She bribed the caretaker to lock him up|ably designed and painted by Mr. Smell hke flowers in bloom | with her in the “ Bloody Turret’ of| McCLerry and Mr. Wavrrr Hany. But Ash logs, all smooth and grey, | an adjacent ruin; how subsequently, at 0.8. | Burn them green or old; 2 A.M., in the public lounge of the hotel, | ‘ URN.” Buy up all that come your way, | i . Ss TO B , : : she tried to work upon his emotions by | LOGS TO BURN They 're worth their weight in gold . } y | . - ~ « | appearing in a black night-dress (surely | * Logs to burn ; logs to burn ; is i oe nance vulgar form of allurement | Logs to save the coat a tu “GIRL EYE-MAKER.” Speco by now even in the suburbs,| H{[ErE’s a word to make you wise } Picture-title in Daily Paper, | Or, anyhow, 1s not so fresh] aring as! ; thie « i . ; | i “Agi ' ot s¢ freshly daring a When you hear th wood-man’'s cries: Perhaps we ought to mention that the she seemed to think it), I will leave} Neyer heed his usual tale | itt ” , i; Wever heed nis USUal Lait TT. he akes are rtificial t**olad yout ‘ . ‘ j eyes 8 1@ MaKe a uri iclai, nO & aa. gyy vO Imagine. Even Miss Irts Hory’s| That he has splendid logs fon sale, & hice soit voice and yleasa liner > ‘ 4] . ] — | } could ’ pie sant catineries} But read these lines and really learn | Our Discreet Press. wd not quite carry off this rather} The w kind f logs to burn | | . . , % ’ | he proper KINCS ¢ I iogs be | Mystery surrounds the Russo-Polish peace | | machine-made trifle. If anything saved | a ti Ty tral | | it . : 4 . A 5 “apy : - + negotiations at Riga According to a ( entral } Pe » It was the acting of Mr. Frank} Oak logs will warm you well | News message from Warsaw Marshal Pilsudski ; Denton as Jimmy Ie rde. Starting a | lf thev ’re old and dry: {has had a conference with ????779???, the Pre- | Bensley’s “best man,” he missed the} Larch logs of pine woods smell, | mier, as to whether demobilisation should take sb ' 4 Set ‘ : | place shortly.” —Kvening Paper. | Wedding ceremony through going to th: But the sparks will fly. | place sho ig Paper | Wrong church, but after that he stuck} Beech logs for Christmas-time, , ; Tree) | clos . : 40 | ‘ | ‘When he [Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree} | Close to his friend for the remainder of | Yew logs heat well; : | was prepared to play Martin Chuzzlewit he | the plot, and greatly endeared himself} ‘“ Scotch” logs it 1s a crime | wrote to me (ar ‘ ss explained to others) to the audience by the excellent wav | For anyone to sell | that he was going to present Mr. Micawber as | Im which he played the silly ass. . Birch logs will burn too leak: ‘a sort of fairy Sunday Paper. As for Be nsley himself, you might | Chestnut scarce at all; | We suppose if Sir Hervert had staged | have thought that he had a sufficiently | Hawthorn logs are good to last David Copperfield he would have cast chequered career, yet Mr. Cyrin Ray- | If cut in the Fail. himself for the husband of Mrs. Harris. |

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338 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 27, 1920, THE PRIVATE FILM. most recent and perhaps the most ter- rible development of the Cinema by an Representation. In fact they can go on arguing during the Whips of Sin which My attention has been drawn to the | will follow. As for the public man, it won't take him two minutes to be filmed making the | | | | ing you in any action you may desire. ; ment, | writing a letter, which can be closed | action can be followed by the letter itself | what this means to a prospective Can- i . ° | didate when he goes to a constituency | | | | | | | | | is their advertisements which make the | | } | | | | stituents must see and know you before advertisement, from which I take the following extracts :— complicated gestures ; and it won't take “HAVE YOUR OWN FILM TAKEN, |him any time at all to compose it, Tue most Mopern Meruop or Gatnina | because the private secretary will do PusLIciry. that ; and the private secretary will be To Members of Parliament, Mayors, able to make sure that his joke about Lecturers and other Public Men and JEROBOAM is not turned into * joke Women about JEHOSHAPHAT at the last minute, or simply shelved in favour of a perora- tion on rainbows. After the speech the M.P. can be filmed opening a flower- show and, if necessary, writing a cheque to the local hortiphilist society, which cheque can be thrown on the screen amid loud applause, but need not, of course, go any further. speech, unless, of course, he has any very “TheCinema has become the cheapest, the surest and most rapid road to pub- licity. It is estimated that a third of the population attend the Cinema once a week. Messrs. Mump and Gump have therefore fitted up a special studio for film work, in which you can now have your own film taken, represent-| ‘There is one other point, but it is rather a delicate matter: Messrs. Mump and Gump say to the prospective Candi- date, “ Your constituents must see and know you before you can hope for their vote.” Are they quite right? I have seen a good many Candidates in my This method of publicity is specially recommended to Members of Parlia- For instance one can be filmed down and handed to a messenger, which time, and I can think of some to whom being thrown on the screen. rT should have seid. “ - Think Your constituents must never see you if you hope fora single vote.”” | mean, when one looks round the present House of Commons, }one really marvels how .. . But per- ' , a Fe | haps | had better not go on with that. you can hope for their vote. TheCinema | where he is unknown. He takes with him twenty or more films. Your con- introduces your personality and your | policy. “Your film will cost you First reel . . . . Three guineas. Each extra reel. One guinea.” kind never need be seen by his con private secretary, uniformed and_be- ribboned, and the film does the rest. Then I rather resent the assumption The more I see of business-men the| that Members of Parliament, Mayors, ess they seem to me to know about | | ] Lecturers and business. I never read an advertise- | I I Actors are the only people who require publicity. I should have thought that those who spend their time writing things in the public Press, which are read by the publie (if anybody), might have had at least the money. It only shows . . . However.| courtesy title of Public Man. Anyhow, Messrs. Mump and Gump, for instance,|I am going to have three guineas’ have scarcely skimmed the surface pos-| worth. The only question is, what sort sibilities of their brilliant notion. This | of picture will most thoroughly “ get” invention is going to make polities tol-| my personality before a third of the erable at last. No man minds being] population once a week? The moment in the House of Commons; it is being| when I am most characteristic is when in his constituency which is so dreadful. | I am lying in a hot bath, and to-morrow And now he need never go there. is Sunday; but I doubt if even a sixth For instance, when the constituency is | of the population would be really keen tired of the letter-film, he can be filmed | on that. I don’t mind writing a letter making a speech, which can be taken| or two, only, if it meant an extra reel down and handed to a typist, which | every time 1 decided to write it to action can be followed by the speech | morrow instead, it would be rather a itself being thrown on the screen i ro in | costly advertisement. instalments. The constituency will Really, I suppose, one ought to be enjoy this, because it will take much | done At Work in His Study; but less time to read it than it would to] even that would require a good deal of listen to it, and they can argue out loud | faking. nent without thinking, “How much etter I (or even you) could have done that!’’ Yet they will tell you that it Ought one, tor instance, to about the meaning of Early Eng! lf , aning of Karly English | remove the golf-balls and the cocoa-cup phrases like Datum-line and Functional | (and the rhyming dictionary) from The |The point is that a Candidate of that | stituents now \ handsome young | Desk? Then I always write with a decayed pencil, and that would look so bad. Messrs. Mump and Gump would | have to throw in a quill-pen. And I | have no Study. I work in the drawing. room, When the children are not play ing in it. To go into The Study | simply walk over to my table and put up a large notice: “THe Srupy. Do NoT SPEAK TO Me. [ am THInkinc.” Do you think that had better be in the film ? Or I wonder if a Comic would be | more effective—a Shaving reel or a | Dressing reel? It is the small inci dents of every-day life that one should | look to for the key to the character of a Public Man; and once a whole third of the population had seen for then selves what pain it gives me to put links and studs and all those things in | a clean shirt, they would u the strange note of melancholy which | runs through this article. But of course an author should have | several different reels corresponding to the different kinds of work which he | wants to publicitise. (That is a new word which I have just invented, but | you will find it in ciiaaties use in a} month or two.) People like Mr. Beno | will probably require the { ll politician's jration of twenty or more, but the o jdinary writer might rub along with four or five. | When his Pug, Wog and P is on | the market there will be a Fa v reel, jin which he is pretending to be a tree and the children are climbing it. And when he has just published Zhe Cru of the Cow: or, Seven Hi t Sea, lee will be seen with an intense expression | tying a bowline on a bight or madly hauling on the throat - halyard—at Messrs. Mump and Gump's specially | equipped ponds. And for lis passionate romance, The Borrowed Biide—— But I don’t know what he will do then | And even now we have not exhausted the list of Public Men. There are clergy men. Don’t you feel that sermons might be thrown on the screen | and left there ? A. P; 3. me ol those | The Merry Bishop. The Dean of Carr Town with a critical frown To the jests of St. Albans’ gay Bishop demurs ; But the Bishop denies the offence and implies 'Tis the way of all asses t at FuRSE. » nibble “ Harvest Festival celebrations took place at St. John’s Church on Sunday evening, when | the choir rendered the anthem ‘ Praise the | young ladies of the choir.’ "— Yor/ e Paper. | And we have no doubt they dese: ved it. |

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Ocroner 27, 1920.) ————————— focal ans

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 339

iViC ese —

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| j | } ' | ail “ — Sa oll } = ] j j | ee } <i} | wwe 1 | Bulehi f se ( , AN y Anp I « IN BY NOW Abi A BIT OF "ORSEFLESH WHEN I srt Cit “Fs AND SO OUGHT YOUR ¢ rOMERS TOO.” | ror creeps upon the reader, only to be explained and OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. sili The Romantic | (By Mr. Puneh’s Staff of Learned Cleri med on the last page. To be : f an ugly, a detestably ugly book, but of its cleverness | How you regard Mis M Ne} latest st \ / there in be no questio : regard Miss MAY SINCLAIR S late - a re can be ho question. | Romantic (Couurs), will entirely depend upon your attituds towards the long-vexed question of the permissible in art [t would appear that Mr. A. E. W. Mason is another of | If you hold that all life (which in this association generally | those who hold that the day of war-novels is not yet done. | means som thing disagreeable) a ite legitimate province and Anvhow, The Summons (Hopp! R AND SrTouGuTon) shows that genius can transmute an 1 ily study of morbid patho-| him dealing out all the old familiar cards, spies and logy into a romance, you will admire the force of this vivid] counter-spies, submarines and petrol bases and secret ink. little hook ; otherwise, I warn vou frankly, you are like to be| It must be admitted that the result is unexpectedly repelled by the whole business. The title, to begin with, is} archaic. Perhaps also Mr. Mason hardly gives himself a fair }an irony as grim as anything that follows, in what sense|chance. The “summons” to his hero (who, being familiar | you will find as the story reveals itself. The Romantic is| with the Spanish coast, is required when War breaks out |% picture—what do I say? a vivisection—of cowardice, | to use t ; Seen through the horrified eves of a woman who loved| delayed, and all the non-active service part of the tale the subject of it. The scene is the Belgian battle- suffers from a very dull love-interest and some even more helds, to which John Conway, being unfitted for active| dreary racing humour. Archaic or not, however, Hillyard’s service, had taken out a motor-ambulance, with Charlotte | anti-spy adventures, in an exquisite setting that the author Redhead as one of his drivers. All the background of this] evidently knows as well as his hero, are good fun enough, part of the tale is wonderfully realised, a thing of actual} But and unforgetable experience. Here gradually the first | and tragedy of Conway is made clear, though shielded and|of \ | Gnored as long as possible by the loyalty of fellow-worke rs| the uly who first sends by car to the local paper the story | and the obstinate disbelief of the girl. Perhaps you think | of her end and then waits to confirm this by telephone am making too much of it all: treacherous nerves were | before making it true, left me incredulous. I’m afraid The | the lot of many spiritually noble men in that hell. But | Summons can hardly be said to have fot nd Mr. Mason in little by little conviction of a deeper, less understandable, | his customary form. his knowledge for submarine-thwarting) is too long the home scenes had (for me at least) a lack of grip onviction by no means to be looked for from a writer C fr. Mason’s experience. His big thrill, the suteide of li

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340 PU NC H, OR THE L “To write another person’s life- history in the | first person, and yet give to it the verisimilitude of a genuine autobio- graphy, would under ordinary circumstances be a difficult if not impossible undertaking.” So Mr. C. E. GouLpssvry tells us in a note to Reminiscences of a Stowaway (CHAPMAN AND Han L),and most of us w ill cordially agree with him. reading this volume of reminiscences, I think you will also agree that Mr. Gouupssury has acquitted himself admira- bly of a most difficult task. The man into whose skin, if I may so express it, he has tempor: arily tried to fit himself was Mr. ALEXANDER DovuGcias LARYMORE, adventurous career as a stowaway in an “

old iron tub,” and

But, after | who started his | ONDON CHARIVARL. (Ocr TOBER 2%, 1920,

‘Tsheat fiction was a psiistettio of an opérs \ wa ffe Labow |Government in action, addresses himself, in The Monste (HerneEMAnNy), to a more serious theme. His m nster is the factory system, and if I say that this witty novel will pro | vide the ignorant and comfortable with instruction as well | as entertainment I hope I shan’t have done him any

bith ) irm The author, while making his »oints against the system notes truly enough that the risen ranker, the one » had | been through the dreadful mill, with its ninety-hour working | week for childre mn, became the hardest master during that vonderful period of the Manchesterising of England which laid the train for the explosions of our present discont

nts eventually became a of Jails in India. For] He reminds us also of that admirable pe n ibout nearly forty years Mr. Gou.tpsspury was Mr. LaryMorr’s|every ten years for the last hundred or so in the Hous intimate friend, and has had sufficient data at fee Sapenel ji the same fervour and conviction, to the effect that to do justice to what was a remarkably full and interesting | any change in conditions or wages would surely mean th life. Possibly those of us who retain a tender spot in our | complete ruin of the country. A comforting speech, that hearts for stowaways may regret that Mr. Larymore grew | Perhaps Mr. BLEACKLEY, presenting three generations fro: tired of the sea; but his adventures were as numerous and Pe ‘terloo to the Jubilee of QUEEN VicTORIA, covers too muc} amusing-on land as on ean i j ground for full effect water, and they are | Bie? WE Whit | but he has pleasantly . | Ci Il Wi | . : also valuable for the 44 ane gilded a \ mn) strong light they throw 1 | pill for pleas peopl on the India of some | | Good luck t yearsago. Mr.GouLps- BURY has at once pro I did not take the ) }) vided a lasting tribute | Hishers’ sta to the memory of his | | Pengard A Vern friend and written a | | UEN) was “er ly un book which both in | |like Mr. Stravs's p. style and matter would | l vious stori as a re be hard to beat. | commendat ow | ever alluy was Are you a victim to | intended to | he the Tarzan habit? Per- | is good and vable haps your eye may have | = |work to his credit. | been caught by the | Z J oe f | doubt, indeed, if he word on bookstalls as} ye | has vet writt book the generic title of an | <_< oe” a | more acceptable to the increasing pile of} Z iS cas. | novel - read public volumes ; but knowing, | than this t ue like myself, that all The King. “ LooK HERE—THIS THRONE WON'T DO; IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR | tion, myste l won things explain them-| “® 7 100K Dicsiviep ty It.” lderful adventures ° : : The Artificer,“1'mM sorry, your Magrsry THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE, selves in time, you way I GoT Ir IN MY "EAD THAT YOUR MAJESTY ORDERED A LOUNGE THRONE.” (again | quot m the have been content to ~~ scsihetajeaneietiasnmentesanta anne ie aS ; ‘ ———— paper wrapp Pos leave it at that. Meanwhile, however, the thing has con-|sibly in a so-c called mystery book the author ought to have tinued to spread, till on the wrapper of Tarzan the Un-| his readers guessing all the time, but if I was not perpetually tamed (METHUEN), which now at last finds me out, its publishers are able to number its devotees in millions. of course the outstanding fact about such popu ila rity is that in face of it any affectation of superiority becomes ~— rly silly. One has got to accept this creation of Mr. Encar Rick BurrovuGus as among the definite literary phenomena of our time. In the immediate spasm before me Tarzan | (who is, if you need telling, a kind of horribly exaggerated Mowgli after a diet of the Food of the Gods) is re presented as placing himself at the disposal of the British forces in Kast Africa, and attacking the Germans with man-eating lions. The rather chastening feature of which was my own unex pected enjoyment of the idea. Even, for one disconcerting moment, like the persons in the admonitory anec eee 3 who taste opium “ just for fun,” I began to feel that perhaps However it passed, and the temptation has not returned Meanwhile the real nature of sinister possession or monstrous, just now from solution as ever. Tarzanism, whether some simply the age-long appetite for the | a little out of hand, remains as fa) Mr. Horace bK | BLEACKLEY, whose last excursion int » poli engaged in this rather exhausting pursuit I was, at any rate

intrigued. Pengard, who is also Sylvester, and yet is neither the one nor the other, may be too much for your saner | moments of credulity. But Mr. Srravs tells his queer story | so plausibly and with so light a touch that even though you | may affect to scoff at his dashing improbabilities you cannot escape their attraction. Indeed Mr. StrraAvs’s adve nture | into fields hitherto strange to him has been so successful | that I am inclined to ask him to continue cultivating them ns | Life’s Little Contradictions. | “Now mind, you know, if I kill you it’s nothing but if | you kill me, by Jingo, it’s murder.” This r < was | }put by Jonn Leecn into the lips of a small Sp Con- | i stable, represented as menacing a gigantic ruffian, and was }not, as you might think, addressed by a Sinn Feiner to a member of the Royal Lrish Constabulary Messrs. W. H. Smith & Son. Mr. Punch wishes to offer the most sincere congratula- | i tions to his old friends on the occasion of the centenary | lof their firm.

1} amet. ga tne

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i Novemper 3, 1920.) LETT ET TTI nents ——————— CHARIVARIA. “Arrer all,’ asks a writer, “ why shouldn't Ireland havea Parliament, like land?” Quite frankly we do not like this idea of retaliation while more humane methods are still unexplored. NCH, OR THE LONDON CH ARIVARL In connection with Mr. Prixaur’s recent visit to Lreland we are asked to say that he was not sent there as a reprisal. Mr. Grorar Lanspury recently told a Poplar audience why he went to “The miners’ strike,” says a music- hall journal, “has given one song-writer the idea for a ragtime song.” It is only fair to say that Mr. Sminiie had no idea that his innocent little manceuvre would lead to this. of Jutland. Indeed the impression i have to be cancelled. : | We are asked to deny _— } ~ that, following wpon the; | Lib) publication of Mirrors of | ' Downing Street, by “A Gentleman witha Duster,” Lord Kenyon is about to dedicate to Sir Chaupr /Cuampion pe Cresprany labook entitled 4 Peer with a Knuckle D ste “Mr, Lloyd George seems | “a to have had his hair‘ bob- | |bed’ recently,” says a} | gossip-writer in a Sunday | |paper. Mr. Hopeus still | A Rouus-Roy the possession of Edward |“ Fischer, in New York,” says a news item, “were found to contain only tobacco.” Very rarely do we come across a case like that in England. “ Water,’ says a member of the L.C.C., “is being sold at a loss.” But not in our whisky, we regret to say. What is claimed to be the largest Shell ever made has been turned out by the Hecla Works, Sheffield. It may Shortly be measured for a war to fit it. A taxi-driver who knocked a man down in Gracechurch Street has sum- moned him for using abusive language. It seems a pity that pedestrians cannot Australia many years ago. No expla- nation was offered of his return. A coal-porter summoned for income- }tax at West Ham Police Court said that his wages averaged eight hundred pounds a year. We think it only fair gaining ground that this battle will} “The thief,” | | sticks to the impression | ms that it was really two- | we bobbed. | “Cigars discovered in Pe canadian be knocked down without show ing their | temper like this. After mont hsofexperiment at Thames | Ditton the question of an artificial limb | of light metal has been solved. It is | Said to be just the thing for Tube- travellers to carry as a spare, ee VOL. CTX. to say that there must be labouring The Admiralty does not propose to} men here and there who earn even less publish an official account of the Battle | than that. | * r says a weekly paper re} ort, “¢ ntered the house by way of 341 A reduction in prices is what every housewife in the land is looking for, says The Daily Express. It is not known how our contemporary g hold of this idea. a There is no truth in the report that The Daily Mail has offered a prize of a hundred pounds to the first person who can prove that it has been talking through its prize hat. Fe “What should The Daily Mail hat be worn with?" asks an enthusiast. “ Characteristic modesty” is the right answer, migrants to Canada, it is stated, now include an increasingly large proportion of skilled workers. Fortu- Vy | ap SS - A cp fResses ALE ANI SINC! } cl the front-door.”” We can only suppose that the burglars’ entrance was locked at the time. A small boy, born in a Turkish harem, is said to have forty-eight step mothers | living. Our oflice-boy, however, is still undefeated in the matter of recently defunct grandmothers. The number of accidental deaths in France is attaining alarming propor- tions. It is certainly time that a stop was put to the quaint custom of duelling. A rat that looks like a kangaroo and barks like a prairie dog is reported in Texas. savs T'he Columlia Record. We ean only say that, when we last heard that one, it was an elephant with white trunk and pink eyes. “Why do leaders of the Bar wear such ill-fitting clothes?” asks a con- temporary. their brief bags. FARVER WAS KNOCKED OVER BY j nately, thanks to the high | wages they earn at home, | we are not losing the ser- | vices of our skilled loafers. \ | A burglar who was re- \ iN | cently sentenced in the Glasgow Police Court was ‘ | captured while in the act ih of lowering a chest of TA drawers out of a window with a rope. The old Jy method of taking the house home and extracting the furniture at leisure 1s still considered the safest by |conservative breakers. 1} | y house strange house at Grimsby, a man told the police who arrested him that he was looking for work. It was pointed out to him that the usual place for men looking for work is in bed, not under it. In a recent case a Hull bargee gave his name as AurainA Swass. Never- theless the Court did not decide to hear the rest of his evidence in camerd, Acyelist who stopped to watch a stag hunt near Tivington Cross, in Somer | got Found under a bed in a | set, was tossed into the hedge by the | stag. On behalf of the beast it is claimed that the cyclist was off-side. “The Czecho-Slovaks will shortly be able to see the successful play, ‘The Right to Stroke.’ *—Evening Paper Good news for the local pussies. “The first annual dinner of the Club was held in the Club Rooms on Saturday evening, a large number sitting down to an excellent coal collation.”—Lecal Paper. times. A sly dig, we presume, at | Surely a little extravagant in these epee ee } | |

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342 PUNCH, OR THE THE POET LAUREATE AND HIS CERMAN FRIENDS. “Prisoners to a foe inhuman, Oh, but our hearts rebel; Defenceless victims ve are, in claws of spite a prey, * * . * Nor trouble we just Heaven that quick revenge be done On Satan’s chamberlains highseated in Berlin ; Their reek floats round the world on all lands neath the sun Tho’ im eraven Germany was no man found, not one With spirit enough to ery Shame!—Nay buat on such sin Follows Perdition eternal and it has begun.” The Porr Lavneare, in“ The Times,” November jth, 1918. “The letter fof reconciliation from Oxford Professors, etc., ‘ to their fellows in Germany is written .. . with the recognition that we have both of us been provoked to ‘animosities’ which we desire to put aside The commonest objection was that the action was ‘premature ’—my own feeling being that of shame for having vainly waited so long in deference to political complications, and that shame was intolerably increasing ... It is undiscerning not to see that at a critical moment of extreme tension they {the German Professor allowed their passion to get the better of them.” The Porr Laureate, in “The Times,” October 27th, 1920, ‘The author of the following lines fears that he has failed to d full justice to the metrical purity of the Master's craftsmanship SUCH people as lacked the leisure to peruse My scripture, one-and-a-quarter columns long In The Times, may like me, as having the To prosodise succinctly my private views. Did I ery Shame! in November, 1918, On those who never cried Shame! on the lords of hell? Rather the shame is mine who delayed to clean My soul of a wrong that grew intolerable. nit ol song, { a4 What if our German colleagues, our brothers-in-lore, Preached and approved for years the vilest of deeds ? Yet is there every excuse when the hot blood speeds We too were vexed and wanted our fellows’ gore, Saying rude things in a moment of extreme tension Which in our calmer hours we should never mention Dons in their academic ignorance blind, With passions like to our own as pea to pea, Shall we await in them a change of mind? Shall we require a repentant apology ? Or in a@ generous spasm anticipate The regrets unspoken that, under the heavy stress Of labour involved in planning new frightfulness, They have been too busy, poor dears, to formulate ? Once I remarked that on German crimes would follow ‘Perdition eternal’: Heaven would make this its care, Nor need to be hustled, with plenty of time to spare Those words of mine I have a desire to swallow, Finding, on further thought, which admits my offence, That a few brief vears of Coventry. of denied Communion with Culture—used in the Oxford sense Are ample for getting our difference rectified. What is a Laureate paid for, I ask The Times, If not to recant in prose his patriot rhymes? [ stamp my foot on my wrath’s last smouldering ember, And for my motto | take “ Lest we remember,’ OLS THE SUPERFECTION LAUNDRY. I Let myself into my flat to find a young woman sitting oh one of those comfortless chairs designed by upholsterers for persons of second quality who are bidden to wait in the hall. * You want to see m«e I inquired. “ Yes ; what is it?” “T have called, Madam, to ask if you are satisfied with your laundry.” ; “Far from it,” I said. “It is kind of you to ask, but why?’ LONDON CHARIVARI, [November 3, 1920, ‘* Because I wish to solicit your custom for the laundry [ represent.” “ What faults do you specialise in?” J inquired, “| beg your pardon, Madam?” * Will you send home my husband's collars with an edge like a dissipated saw ?”’ ~ The young woman's face brightened with comprehension “Oh, no, Madam,” she replied, est care with gentlemen’s stand-up collars.”’ “Will you shrink my combinations to the size of a doll's?’ \n expression of horror invaded her countenance. “The utmost precaution,” she asserted, “is taken to prevent t] shrinkage of woollens.”’ “Is it your custom to send back towels reduced to two hems connected by a few stray rags in the middlk The young woman was aghast. “All towels are handled as gently as possible to avoid tearing,” she replied id iow about handkerchiefs ae l asked s] dislike t find myself grasping my bare nose through a hole in the centre. “ We exercise the great The suggestion made my visitor laugh. “Are you in the habit of sewing nasty bits of red thread, impossible to extricate, into conspicuous parts clothing ?’ “Oh, no, Madam,” she asseverated: “no linen is allowed to leave our establishment with any disfiguring he ‘You never, | suppose, return clothing dirtier than when t reached you?” I proceeded, Suppressed scorn that | could believe in such a possibility flashed momentarily from her eyes before she uttered an emphatic denial. “ Nor do you ever perhaps send home garments belonging |to other people while one’s own are missing?’ ‘Never, | can assure you, Madam,” | * Does the man who delivers the washing habitually turn | the basket upside down so that the heavy things below |} crush all the delicate frilly things that ought to be on top?’ She seemed ineapable of conceiving that such perverted creatures could exist “Do they never whistle in an objectionable manner while waiting for the soiled clothes ? Whistling on duty is strictly forbidden, Madan * Well, all these things I have mentioned my laundry does to me, and even more, and when I write to complain they aisre gard mv letters.” ‘We rarely have complaints, Madam, and all su prompt attention, receive I can give references in this street—in this block of flats even “ Well,” said I, “if you like to give me a card [ am willing to let you have a trial.” The young woman opened her bag with alacrity and i handed me a card “The Superfection Laundry,” I read with amazement “Surely there must be some mistake ?”’ “Are you not Mrs. Fulton?” asked the young woman. “No, you have come w floor too high, Mrs. Fulton lives in the flat below me.” ‘I must apologise for my call, then; I was sent to see Mrs. Fulton. But all the same may we not add u to the list of our customers ? 1 said. “May I ask your reasons, Madam?” * Because the laundry I employ at present is the Super: fection.” “ linpossible,”’ The Church Militant in the Near East. “ Resht was bombed by Red aeroplanes on September 28 and 30 one of the machines was forced to descend on the latter date some 6 miles to the north of the town. The pilot and observer were taken by the Cassocks.”—Kvening Paper.

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—~NOVEMBER 3, 1920.

- SRSEESLE DENRA LSS SSS SN SST Senate ial

= as = < | — ~- oa | i—< — i 4 _~ ~ Be i — ~ = _—

’ 4

PUNCH, OR THI

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cneiaiinsaisnenss ent en ACTON eC tae Dattani i i a — 342 PUNCH, “OR THE L [NovemBer 3, 1920, ON NDON CHARIVART. THE POET LAUREATE AND HIS CERMAN FRIENDS. “Prisoners to a foe inhuman, Oh, but our hearts rebel; Defenceless victims ye are, in claws of spite a prey. * . * * * . > Nor trouble we just Heaven that quick revenge be done On Satan's chamberlains highseated in Berlin ; Their reek floats round the world on all lands neath the sun: Tho’ in craven Germany was no man found, not one With spirit enough to cry Shame !—Nay but on such sin Follows Perdition eternal . and it has begun.” The Porr Lavreare, in “The Times,” November 4th, 1918. “The letter fof reconciliation from Oxford Professors, etc., fellows in Germany’ ‘to their is written . . . with the recognition that we have both of us been provoked to ‘animosities’ which we desire to put aside... The commonest objection was that the action was ‘ premature ’—my own feeling being that of shame for having vainly waited so long in deference to political complications, and that shame was intolerably increasing . It is undiscerning not to see that at a critical moment of extreme tension they [the German Professors allowed their passion to get the better of them.” The Porr Lavreare, in “The Times,” October 27th, 19.20. The author of the following lines fears that he has failed to do full justice to the metrical purity of the Master's craftsmansh)j SucH people as lacked the leisure to peruse My scripture, one-and-a-quarter columns long In The Times, may like me, as having the gift of song, prosodise succinctly my private views. Did I ery Shame! in November, 1918, On those who never cried Shame! on the lords of hell ? Rather the shame is mine who delayed to clean My soul a wrong that grew intolerable, What if our German colleagues, our brothers-in-lore, Preached and approved for years the vilest of deeds? Yet is there every excuse when the hot blood speeds ; We too were vexed and wanted our fellows’ gore, Saying rude things in a moment of extreme tension Which in our calmer hours we should never mention. Dons in their academic ignorance blind, With passions like to our own as pea to pea, Shall we await in them a change of mind? Shall we require a repentant apology ? Or in a generous spasm anticipate The regrets unspoken that, under the heavy stress Of labour involved planning new frightfulness, They have been too busy, poor dears, to formulate? Once I remarked that on German crimes would follow ‘Perdition eternal’’; Heaven would make this its care, Nor need to be hustled, with plenty of time to spare Those words of mine I have a desire to swallow, Finding, on further thought, which admits my offence, That a few brief years of Coventry, of deni ied Communion with Culture—used in the Oxford sense Are ample for getting our difference rectified. What is a Laureate paid for, L ask The Times, If not to recant in prose his patriot rhymes? { stamp my foot on my wrath’s last smouldering ember, And for my motto 1 take “ Lest we remember.” 0.8 eb THE SUPERFECTION LAUNDRY. I Let myself into my flat to find a young woman sitting on one of those comfortless chairs designed by upholsterers for persons of second quality who are bid len to wait in the hall. “You want to see me?” I inquired. “ Yes ; what is it?” “T have called, Madam, to ask if you are satisfied with your laundry.” “Far from it, "IL said. “It is kind of you to ask, but why?” “ Because I wish to solicit your custom for the I represent.” “What faults do you specialise in?” “1 beg your pardon, Madam?” laundry I inquired. like a dissipated saw?” The young woman’s face brightened with comprehension “Oh, no, Madam,” she replied. “We exercise the est care with gentlemen’s stand-up collars.” “Will you shrink my combinations to the node doll's?* An expression of horror invaded her countenar “The utmost precaution,” she asserted, “is taken to pr vent the shrinkage of woollens.’ “Is it your custom to send back towels reduced to twe hems connected by a few stray rags in the middle ? The young woman was aghast. “All towels are as gently as possible to avoid tearing,” she re plied ‘ How about handkerchiefs?” I asked. “TI dislike to find myself grasping my bare nose through a hole in the centre. + yreat an dled The suggestion made my visitor laugh. \re you in the habit of sewing nasty bits of red thread, impossible to extricate, into conspicuous parts of one’s clothing ?”’ she asseverated ; “no linen is allowed “Oh, no, Madam,” 1] to leave our establishment with any disfiguring marks ‘You never, I suppose, return clothing dirtier than wher it reached you?” | proceeded. Suppressed scorn that | could believe in such a possibility flashed momentarily from her eyes before she uttered an emphatic denial. j * Nor do you ever perhaps send home garments belonging ;| to other pe ople while one’s own are missing Si | “Ne ver, | can assure you, Madam. 1 De 0s the man who delivers the washing habitually turn the basket upside down so that the heavy things below crush all the delicate frilly things that ought to be on top?’ She seemed incapable of conceiving that such perverted creatures could exist. *Do they never whistle in an objectionable mannet vhile waiting for the soiled clothes ?”’ ; Whistling on duty is strictly forbidden, Madan ‘Well, all these things I have mentioned my laundry does to me, and even more, and when I write to complain they disregard my letters.” ‘We rare ly have complaints, Madam, and all such receive prompt attention. I can give references in this street—in | this block of flats even.” | « Well,” said I, «if you like to give me acard I am willin to let you have a trial.” The young woman opened her bag with alacrity and handed me a card The Superfection Laundry,” I read with amaz ‘Surely there must be some mistake ?”’ ‘Are you not Mrs. Fulton?” asked the young woman. ‘No, you have come w floor too high, Mrs Fulton lives in the flat below me.” ‘I must apologise for my call, then; I was sent to see Mrs. Fulton. But all the same may we not add you to the list of our customers ? »” I said. * May I ask your reasons, Madam ?’ ‘ Because the =a ] employ at present is the Super- fection.’ ‘ Impossible The Church Militant in the Near East. “ Resht was bombed by Red aeroplanes on September 28 and 30 one of the machines was forced to descend on the latter date some 6 miles to the north of the town. The pilot and observer were taken by the Cassocks.”—Evening Paper. “ Will you send home my husband's collars with an edee A © n i|

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pmamnrarseesitar ti tae mea —————— ee) || lv, ay hy — Sie 3 Ni VAAN Say | “=z! 4 Se a sa ee RNOP ESS, emer iit | Ry a ' ae Bie oS ee a \2 hj Koh WANA e 1 / J waawWV\ — = : fi i Fem w\\\7! , aN eee ——- 3 ie» t Ld Sie) IS een vt vA roa Wes, \EORRAIW Al 2 . —-=\\ - . | 1 ¥ TiN. ~ we le pn . Sys Se Sess SESS es WSS. > SSS \ SSS SSS ae OUR VILLAGE SIC PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemper 3, 1920.

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insists ncasigaaaesinsatiialiassanitiatlls Ate A IN annette anit st erreur as ee eee — eee ne } good dog. 344 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVA RI. os [NoveMBER 3, 1920, The Guest (exasperated with waiting). “ I’'vE A GOOD MINI PROOF POSITIVE. Tris kind of thing had been gx on morning after morning until I was | quite tired. They. You ought to get hold of a good dog. It is extraordinary how many things|/end. He re] The postman provoked my old one s« g i then. I. Yes, I did. | when the dog was away for the week- was a . great week - ender, one ought to get hold of in the country. | and he always came back from week- Sometimes it is a wood-chopper and | ends with more and more pieces out of . | . } | sometimes a couple of hundred cab-|his ears until at last they were all | bages, and sometimes a cartload of| gone, and he couldn’t hear us when we manure, and good hens. I find this very exhausting to the grip. I. What for? They. To watch your house. I. I do not wish to inflict pain on a What kind of a dog ought sometimes a few it to be? They. Well, a mastiff. I. Isn’t that rather a smooth kind of | dog ? If I have to get hold of a dog, I should like one with rather a rougher surface. They. Try an Irish terrier. I. Thave. They fight. They. Not unless they re provoked. I. Nobody fights unless he is pro- voked. But more things provoke an Irish terrier than one might imagine. called him. sorts. You might have a Chow or an Airedale ¢ ra boar-hound. I. Thank you, I do not hunt boars. Besides, all the dogs you mention are very expensive nowadays. In the War it was quite different. You could col- lect dogs for practi sally nothing then. My company used to have more than a dozen dogs parading with it every day. They had never seen so many men so willing to go for so many k ng walks before. They thought the Mil- lennium had come. A proposal was made that they should be taught to form fours and march in the rear. But, like all great strategical plans, it was stifled by red tape. After that rO DRIVE OFF, BUT I’M AFRAID OF HITTING The Hostess. “HiT HIM WHERE YOU LIKE, DEAR—IT'’S MY HUSBAND,” much that it bit the letters out of his|the point. going | hand and ate them. They. Well, you didn't get any bills, Bills always came They. Well, there are plenty of other | THAT IDIOT IN FRONT | Lhey. getting from If you really want a good away | cheap dog——— | J. Ah, I thought you were coming | that. You know of a good cheap dog ? | They. The gardener of my sister-in- | law’s aunt has an extremely good cheap | dog. I. And would it watch my house? | They. Most intently. That is how Trotsky came to us. | Nobody but a propag | would say that he is either a mastiff or reckl SS wndist a boar-hound, though he once stopped | when we came to a pig. I don that. What I do mind is then now that they have palmed him ¢ tf on 'me, “I saw you out with youl ' t mind saying, what- 0» tied up to the kennel at the ba k? There seems to be something ab animal's tail that does not go with its | back, or about its legs that does not go with its nose, or about its eyes t! not go with its fur. to say. And the eyes are a different | colour and seem to squint a little say that one of them is a wall-eye. I | think that is the one he watches the | lever-it-is yesterday,” or “I did not | know you had taken to sheep-breed- | ing,” or ‘* What is that thing you have | wut the | at does } If it is fur, that is }

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| | think?” | my mind,” | licence at once.”’ | ernment certificate, can you? November 3, 1920.] Heenan ene ee | house with. Personally I consider that | they are very handsome eyes in their | own different lines, and my opinion is | that he is a Mull-terrier; or possibly a | Rum. Anyhow he is a good dog to get hold of, for he is very curly. The village policeman came round to | the house the other day. I think he | really came to talk to the cook, but I | fell into conversation with him. | “You ought to be getting a licence for that dog of yours,” he said. “What dog?” I asked. “Why, you've got a dog tied up at the back there, haven’t you?” he said. | “Havel?” said And we went out and looked at it together. Trotsky looked at me with one eye and at the policeman with the other, and he wagged his tail. At least Iam not sure that he wagged it; “shook ’’ would be a better word. “ Where did you get it ?’’ he inquired. | “Oh, I just got hold of it,” I said airily. “It’s rather good, don't you He stood for some time in doubt. “Tt’s a dog,” he said at last. I shook him warmly by the hand. “You have taken a great load off I told him, “I will get a This will score off them pretty badly. After all you can’t go behind a Gov- EOE. THE CRY OF THE ADULT AUTHOR. The “ Diarist ” of The Westminster Gazette, | in the issue of October 2 5th, utters a poignant eri de cur over what he regards as one of the great tragedies of the time—the crowding-out of the “ genuine craftsmen ” of journalism and | letters by Cabinet Ministers, notoriety ge and, above all, by sloppy infant prodigies mn rs | Ou, bitter are the insults And bitter is the shame Heaped on deserving authors Of high and strenuous aim, When all the best booksellers Their shelves and windows cram With novels from the nurse ry And poems from the pram. In recent Autumn seasons Writers of age mature (From eighteen up to thirty) Of sympathy were sure: Now publishers their portals On everybox ly slam Save novelists from the nurse. . And poets from the pram. Unfairly Winston CuurcHie Invades the § Sunday sheets ; Unfairly Mrs. Asquita With serious scribes competes ; But these are minor evils What makes me cuss and damn Are novels from the nur: ery PUN \CH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL, sip 9%? HOME, Is Mrs “SHE Caller. “ JONES AT Cook-General. SHE’ N GIVIN’ Is, BUT SHE S JUST BI ME NOTICE.” And poems from the pram. When on the concert platform: The pr digy appears L do not grudge his welcome, The clappings and the cheers ; But I can't forgive the people Who down our throats would cram The novelists from the nursery, The poets from the pram. I met a (once) best seller, And I took him by the hand, And “ How’s OpaL WHITELEY And how does Dartsy stand ?”’ He answered, “I can only See sloppiness and sham In novels from the nursery And poems from the pram.” asked, If I were only despot, To end this painful feud I ‘d banish straight to Mespot The scribbling infant brood, AIN'T | "ARDLY IN A FIT STATE TO SEE ANYBODY. rer bar the imports ation, By that hustler, Uncle Sam, Of novels from the nursery And poems from the pram. From an account of Sir J. ForBEs- Ropertson’s début : “It was the audience on Gabriel, Rossetti burne.”—-Provinci The archangel was a great catch. interesting to remember that in that occasion were Dante, id Algernon Charles Swin- vb il Paper. “ When the Royal Cream horses were dis- persed from the royal stables, one or two golf clubs made an endeavour to get one of these fine animals, and Ranelagh and Sandy Lodge were fortunate to secure them. The horses look fine on the course behind the mower.” Evening Paper. Shoving, for all they are worth. we suppose,

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—nasstiiansesnaamncainaiineit 346 PUNCH, OR THE EUCLID IN REAL LIFE. Ir it was not for the paper-shortage I should at once re-write Evcwip, or those parts of him which I understand. The trouble about old Evciip was that he had no soul, and few of his books have that emotional appeal for which we look in these days. My aim would _ be to bring home his discoveries to the | young by clothing them with human | interest; and I should at the same | useful in everyday life. time demonstrate to the adult how often they might be made practically When one | thinks of the times one draws a straight | line at right angles to another straight line, and how seldom one does it Ev- cLip’s way .. . every time one writes ae Well, let us take, for example— Book UI., Proposrrion 1. PropLEM.—To find the centre of a given circle. Let ABC be that horrible round bed where you had the geraniums last year. This year, I gather, the idea is to have it nothing but rose-trees, with a great big fellow in the middle. The question is, where is the middle? I mean, if you plant it in a hurry on your own judgment, everyone who comes near the house will point out that the bed is all cock-eye. Besides, you can see it from the dining-room and it will annoy you at breakfast. C E Construction.---Well, this is how we go about it. First, you draw any chord AB in the given bed ABC. You can do that with one of those long strings the gardener keeps in his shed, with pegs at the end. Bisect AB at D Now don’t look so stupid. We've done that already in Book L., Prop. 10, you remember, when we bisected the stick of nougat. That's right. Now from D draw DC at right angles to AB, and meeting the lawn at C. You can do that with a hoe. Produce CD to meet the lawn again at K. Now we do some more of that bisect- ing; this time we bisect EC at F. Then F shall be the middle of the bed; and that’s where your rose-tree is going. Proor ???— Well, I mean, if F be not the centre let some point G, outside Riseeesepenepassenreesteemenenn the line CE, be the centre and put the confounded tree there. And, what's more, you can jolly well join GA, GD and GB, and see what that looks like. Just cast your eye over the two tri- angles GDA and GDB. Don't you see that DA is equal to DB (unless, of course, you 've bisected that chord all wrong), and DG is com- mon, and GA is equal to GB—at least according to your absurd theory about G it is, since they must be both radii. Radii indeed! Look at them. Ha, ha! Therefore, you fool, the angle GDA is equal to the angle GDB. Therefore they are both right angles. Therefore the angle GDA is a right angle. (I know you think I'm repeat- ing myself, but you'll see what I'm getting at in a minute.) Therefore the joke and this is the cream of therefore—really, I can't help laughing—therefore the angle CDA is equal tothe angleGDA! That is, the part is equal to the whole— which is ridiculous. I mean, it's too laughable. So, you see, you rose-tree is not in ithe middle at all. In the same way you can go on planting the old tree all over the bed anywhere you like. In every case you'll get those right angles in the same ridiculous position—why, it makes me laugh now to think of it and you'll be brought back to dear old CE. And, of course, any point in CH ez- cept F would divide CE unequally, which [ notice now is just what you ‘ve done yourself; so F is wrong too. But you see the idea ? What a mess vou'’ve made of the bed ! , Book I., Prorosrrion 20. THEOREM.—Any two sides of a triangle are together qreater than the third side, Let ABC be a triangle. B Cc Construction. — You Know the eleventh hole? Well, let B be the tee, and let C be the green, and let BC be my drive. Yes, mine. Is it dead? Yes Now let BA be your drive. I’m ufraid you've pulled it a bit and gone into the road by the farm. You can't get on to the green by the direct route AC because you ‘re under ithe wall. You'll have to play further LONDON CHARIVARI, up the road till you get opposite that gap at D. It’s a pity, because you ‘ll have to play about the same distance, only in the wrong direction. Take your niblick, then, and play your second, making AD equal to AC. Now join CD. I mean, put your third on the green. You can do that, surely? Good. Proor.—There, I’m down in two. But we won't rub it in. Do you notice anything odd about these triangles? No? Well, the fact is that AD is equal to AC, and the result of that is that the angle ACD is equal to the angle ADC That's Prop. 5. Anyhow, it 's obvious, isn't it ? The angle BCD is But steady on, g greater than its part, the angle ACD you must admit that? (Look out, there ’s a fellow going to drive And therefore the angle BCD Oh, well, 1 can’t go into it all now or it will mean we shall have to let these people through ; but if you carry on on those lines you'll find that BD is greater than BC. | mean you 've only got to go back to see that it mast be so, won't vou? Very well, then, don’t argue AD is equal to AC; it had to be, you remember. ; Therefore—now follow this closely the two sides BA and AC are together greater than the third side BC That means, you see, that by pulling your drive out to the left there you ; cover. You 'd never have guessed that you?) But old EKvewrp did. Come along, then; they ‘re putting. would 1 | | jyours ... A. P. Our Candid Candidates. From an election address : “Should I get returned as your re] tive you will have no cause for regret when my term of oflice expires.”-— Provincial Paper. “The strike of the mechanical staff of the Karachi Daily Gazette’ has ended Evening Paper. We wondered why everybody looked sO pleased in London that day. “Since her treatment with the monkey gland Miss Ediss has received enough compl mentary nuts to stock a market garden. An ornate basket of monkey nuts fills a promiment place in her room, and two cocoanuts t ed up with coloured ribbon strike the eye of the visitor.”"—Sunday Paper. In that case we shall postpone our in- tended visit until Miss [piss is herself again. where you played your third and you'll | [NovEMBER 3, 1920, | | | | But BD is equal to BA and AC, for | gave yourself a lot of extra distance to | You must be more careful at this hole. | l think it’s that right shoulder of |

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Novemper 3, 1920.} __PUNCH, _OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

Tig Maid 7 ’ iy: 4 ins it . a) 'G ee \ . = fh r Le se FN AA f -™® fi] i iit ad Bath ASS fo PZ \, de Wir Ue f ie { or , Kp iB REP 1b ts “ea ’ %, BA > f Vi rAaAN *y Fi, Pr es Ng SAL : ii xy / i Y & ”. San | 7, y j ] 7, ‘ .) oe M4 “s } \ .% ay : Y st] | of) > e , os ' Lz | Pat 3 is ae ¥ ld yy? A . a q A Cak . | a * 4 Ve) APtogee | a | mf 2 W a Lie MA ty," e b 4 c Y \ “Uy f . Ny f. . this y 4 | / i 24 f i\\ { } i i

MANNERS AND MODES. NOW THAT MEN’S ATTIRE IS SO COSTLY WHY NOT TAKE A LEAF FROM THE LADIES’ BOOK OF FASHION AND LET THE TAILORS HAVE DRESS PARADES OF THE LATEST DESIGNS? ete

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348 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [NOVEMBER 3, 1920,

THE CONSPIRATORS. VI. My pear CHaries,—I was talking to the Editor the other day about this correspondence of ours which we are conducting in the public Press, thus saving the twopenny stamps and avoid- ing the increased cost of living which is hitting everyone else so hard. “This ought to be put a stop to,” said he.

vanity and secure their goodwill) were victorious and content they were to be made to believe by advertisement that with a little trouble they could become even more victorious and more content. The Katser and Imperialism had been disposed of; it only remained to get rid of Capitalism and Charles. The sub- terranean campaign was developed, and that is what our conspirators have since been so brisk and busy about. | turned up they were always just on their way to England; either they hada poor sense of direction or, being bad sailors, | were afraid of the crossing. There was never any knowing in what corner of the earth they would next be appear- ing; in fact the only country which those Chinese Bonds seemed to haye | successfully avoided was China. The first time we heard of them, I

That was the programme; but it is} will admit that we were thrilled. A They gave a touch of reality to an otherwise

“That is just what I have been saying since 1918,” I re- plied; “but the question is what to do about it? When] | you get down to it, the word ; ‘Bolshevist’ is but the Russian } for ‘advanced Socialist,’ and i b there is nothing to prevent Me Socialists, whether they be ad- vanced or retarded. How then are you going to put a stop to ‘ J0olshevism ?”’ Q *“T was thinking of the cor- respondence,”” the Editor re-| | plied. Y So I stopped talking to him} } and sat down to write my last letter to you on the subject. 5 To resume: In the summer of 1918 the German War Lords N began to have their doubts of} *% a Pax Germanica and saw signs rather of a Wash-out Ger- manicum, Things looked ill] ; with them, so they consulted their doctor, a certain person who ealled himself “ Dr. Help- us” by way of a jest. He proved more successful as a ~ Se

business man, however, than : he was as a humourist. He J} advised that the “ War of | World Conquest” was not 2 i likely to produce a dividend, because its name was against it. Cut out * Imperialism” substitute another word, with just as many syllables and no less an imposing sound, * Pro- 'Ert

letariat”’; call the thing “Class| ’#'s s7™ Warfare”; advertise it thor- oughly and attract to it all the political egoists of disappointed ambition in the various countries of the enemy, and the German War Lords would find it no longer necessary to crush all existing | nations, since all existing nations would then set about to crush themselves. The idea was voted excellent, and the | trial run in Russia gave complete satis- | faction. But not all countries were so imme- diately suscept ible to the idea of a World | Revolution. Victory hath its charms and does not predispose a people to com- plain; so where the Masses (invested with a capital “M” to flatter their TRAINS

a)) Nth uf Nor THE CULT OF FACE-READING., cinema hal . “SEE wot ’E’S SAYING, I Y THE O!} E AND WON'T BE ABLE TO GE a pro rraml

And so at last to the Chinese Bonds. Oh, those Bonds! How some people abroad have learned to urse the very mention of them these ist many months! I don’t know where that tiresome man, Litvinorr, first got them from, but my poor friends, whose business all this is, were running after Some- times they were in Russia, sometimes they showed up in Denmark, sometimes they got scent of them in Germany, and Lam told it is the merest fluke that the Bonds did not come to Switzerland for Chinese c ' Li them at least ten months ago.

the winter sports. And wherever they : : <cieceecieiraaiintmend 206 Near £0 whose ve Which required money. welfare of those Bonds should be. And | over-hairy and unconvincing narrative of conspiracy. The time bored, the sixth time irri tated, the seventh time infu ated, and the eighth time we said to our informant, * Now look you here. We appreciate | the excitement of your myste1 | second time we were told of | them we were ple isurably | moved. So it was true, afte: all, about those Chinese Bonds? | The third time we heard of them we were satisfied: the | fourth time we heard of them we were Indifferent: the fifth | | ious presence and the soothing | effects of your hushed voice, and as long as you care to go on reyealing your secrets we | will listen. You may speak of finance and you may even | touch upon British bank-notes | forged by the Soviets; you | |may go so far as to diy Ige | some new forms ol script In | volved, getting as near as even, | say, Japanese Debentures ; but if you so much as mention | China or its Bonds to us again we will wrap you up in a parcel |

land post you to Moscow with a personal note of warning to | LENIN as to your in! know jledge and the dang s pub- | | licity you are giving | For ourselves we wrote ny | ja learned treatise on the sub- Em’ty? | ject and sent many a thousand WE TO | ' | memos home to those authori- | earts the | after many months of this correspon- | i call- dence someone in the what-d yo it office suddenly sat up and took notice and wrote to us as follows « His | Majesty's Principal Secretary State | for Thingummy has the honour to| inform you that rumours have r* iched his ears concerning the existence ol certain bonds, alleged to be Chinese, in the hands of Bolshevist agitators coming or intending to come to this country. You are requested to ascer- | tain and report what, if anything, 13 known of these Chinese Bonds.’ [ could have made a story for you of

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———————————— November 3, 1920.) __PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 349 Nervous Fishmonger (on his dignit Pariy. “ARE YO Nervous Party. “Yrs—-B the uses to which the Bonds were put | in other countries and newspapers as | well as your own. But that painfully honest journal, The Daily Herald, has | anticipated me. And anything more you want to know about the eonspir- acies or the conspirators you may now, as I judge from reading your Press, experience for yourself. So upon that these letters may end. I would like to have concluded by a protestation that, | In making these frank statements as to the working of, and against, the Conspi- _ ators, 1 personally draw no pecuniary | benefit of any sort, not a sovereign, not a bob, not a half-penny stamp. It is perhaps better, however, to anticipate | discovery by owning up to the fact that my frankness is being paid for at SO Many pence per line. | Yours ever, (Coneluded.) Henry. | as SPiTara FOR A PROFESSOR OF TANGO; | “Withil tetigit quod non ornavit.” — = ) U SURE THAT LOBSTER’S ALL RIGHT?” y). “Quire RicHT, Sir, IF IT 1sN'T WE SHALL UT SHALL J BE HERE TO-MORROW?” THE CAGE. | small lonely figure, pathetic in the} ; } but he struggled | to bear himself bravely. He could not | move his eyes from the stern white| face that seemed to fill all the space in| lfront of him. About that cold mina- tory figure, which was speaking to him He felt weak, ill, in such passionless even tones, clung an atmosphere of awe ; the traditional robes of office lent it a majesty that crushed his will. He knew he was being addressed, and he strove to listen. His brain was a torrent of thoughts. And so his life had come to this. It was indeed the final catastrophe. That was surely what the voice meant—that voice which went on and on in an even stream of sound without meaning. Why had he come to this—in the flower of his life to lose ceitiges He stood in the packed building, a| thought sped like ra . sa ae Dy dees ‘ pare . » isolation that shut him off from the| pitied him. The others were indifferent. warm humanity of the watching crowd. | To them it was merely a spectacle. its chiefest gift, Liberty ? ~— ts : *AT ay it iN Nea yee > ; HERE TO-MOLROW BE spaces of his brain fire. The people did they care? A few perhaps Up and down the behind Suddenly into his mind crept the The voice had stopped. The abrupt cessa- tion of sound whipped his quivering nerves. It was like the holding of a great breath. He gathered his forces. He knew that the huge concourse waited. A ques- tion had been put to him. It seemed as if the world stood still to listen. He moistened his lips. He knew what he had meant to say, but his tongue was a traitor to his desire. What use now to plead? The sound- He thought consciousness of a vast silence. lessness grew ink lerable. he should cry aloud. And then “T will,” he said, and, looking side- ways, caught the swift shy glance of his bride.

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: : 1 id | 350 as frau. 420 The Master Plumber, “1'v1 NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. THE SPONGE. THE sponge is not, as you suppose A funny kind of weed He lives below the deep blue sea, An animal, like you and me, Though not so good a breed g And when the sponges go to sleep The fearless diver dives ; He prongs them with a cruel prong And, what I think is rather He also prongs their wives. wrong For I expect they love their wives And sing them little si mys, And though, of course, they have no! | heart part Especially with prongs | know you ‘d rather not believe Such dreadful things are done: Alas, alas, it is the case: And every time you wash your face You use a skeleton :, Your finger and your thumb, And tear the nice new sponge in two, As I have told you not to do, Was once his oseculx m | Link It hurts them when thev ‘re forced to 4 . ition is doomed to failure. And that round hole in which you put | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, nr (yt teas OVER A JOB IN is why I seldom However blac] it use my flaanel if | must, wash, [ am, ough even that, to be quite just, Was once a little lam! Ack. i. © ial. HOW TO MISS THE MISSING LINK. We understand that an expedition | will shortly leave the United States for Central Asia in search of the Missing “ Aeroplanes, motor cars, camels nules and all of means locomotion | found suitable will be used by the an- thropologists, : scientists’ taking part We that opposed to all the traditions of explora- predict We cannot doubt that the Missing Link possesses a sense of smell keen enough to detect a camel or a Ford car while yet afar off. His regrettable elusiveness is more likely to be established than overcome when he beholds mules and anthro- pologists, attended by aeroplanes and motor-cars, and possibly whippet-tanks, motor-scooters and phrenologists. Even if there are only nine or ten of each the adventurers miss the Link after all. ALL , | present quest were to be follow ichwologists and other | an enterprise so} f[NoveMBer 3, 1920. ME LIF! THAT LAD’LL GO I Another aspect of the expedition | should be borne in mind. ‘The pro- | gress through the jungle of su Ve cles | land personnel would Cause | like consternation amon; | fauna, whose limited intellig reasonably fail to distinguis! | cession from a travelling mer i+ { hese days of unrest 1s it right, Is 1t ex pedient, thus to stir up speci red? | ! , , + " |} It would be indeed deplorable uf the ] search party got up to trace thi Missing Link expedition. | Surely the old methods of t! are still best. Simply equipped | with an elephant-rifle and a pith helmet, | let him plunge into the bush and be lost to sight for a few years. Whereas the Missing Link may be relied remain resolutely beneath his the sight of a sort of a Lord Mayo 3 | Show wandering among the vegetation, | the spectacle of a simple-looking trav- leller in the midst of the lonely forest | would rather encourage the creature to | emerge from its place of retreat Then nothing would remain but forthe | explorer to advance with out stretched | } | ' »explorel the on to rock at | } | | | . i ) 1 | variety it will be enough to ensure that | hand (preferably the left), and ¢ xclaim, | “The Missing Link, I presume - a oe

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} | { e % y mm A CLOSE CORPORATION. Ex-Servick Man (unemployed). “IF YOU'RE SO SHORT OF LABOUR, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME ON?” ae ‘die witdwn ia ee Trape Uston Orrictar. “MY GOOD FELLOW, BRICKLAYING REQUIRES YEARS AND YEARS OF APPRENTICESHIP.” ae Hoese Ex-Service Man. “SO DOES SOLDIERING; BUT THEY WEREN'T SO PARTICULAR WHEN THERE WAS WORK TO BE DONE AT THE FRONT” ee eee a ——— _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemper 3, 1920. Be ee weak ) a oer Ct Wi iannar SUSPENDED | ie’, | | p ee A sll FOR WANT OF Rt | \] | | | = 10 LABOUR. | | aa) ) NEED AppLy HNO Ex-Service men | Be fe in Ri « Fr): ny hs Hy AS SS Chi ith a \ cin AY pee ; Sy Aa ‘ie Vy j j 1 | 4) WL, j ( % Ye, d | } Whe Ae: peel } | ' 4 Hit) | orc t j ! 4 us if if , ‘ NY ¥ aF if: ill. ] * j AVY YD a i | aren ‘d aj tt | | F ‘ty f A | ; MY ; y « f . ‘EPR ae | i | | PEAY ics ‘ | ( i u ‘ i tf he hae | 2-47 F ‘ 46, h Bh oT TH Lb

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——— aan ONDON CHAR Novemper 3, 1920.] PU SS oe | ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | Monday, October 25th.—Sir Putir ' Lnoyp-GreameE, the newest recruit on ithe Treasury Bench, already answers Questions with all the assurance of the lother Luoyp G. His readiness in re- ferring the inquisitive to other Depart- ments and in declining to go beyond | his brief—witness his modest refusal to ‘discuss in reply to a Supplementary Question the possibility of imposing a tariff in this country—suggests that somewhere behind the SPEAKER’s chair there must be a school for Under-Secre- taries where the callow back-bencher ‘js instructed in the arts and crafts re quired in the seats of the mighty. For this purpose I can imagine no | better instructor than the Arrorney- GeneraL, who combines scrupulous politeness with an icy precision of lan- guage. Take, for example, his treatment of Mr. Pemperton Binwurna's defiant inquiry if it would now be “ compatible with the dignity of the Government ” to say that intention to bring the War-criminals to trial. “ No,” Hewanrt in his most pedagogic manner, there had never been any A GOVERNMENT R Sir ECRUIT. LLoYp GREAMI -} . : : . Parliame ntary Sec retary to the Board f Trade PHinip “it cannot be compatible with anyone's | dignity to make a statement which is i manifestly untrue.” Government of Ireland Bill. But the malignant sprite that has hitherto foiled every effort to pacify Ireland again in- tervened, and the House found itself called upon to discuss the Emergency Powers Bill. The measure is a peace- time successor to D.O.R.A. (who in the Opinion of the Government is getting & little passée) and, perhaps naturally, ceteris AS SE NCH, OR THE L replied Sir Gorpon | agp This week was to have been devoted, | de die in diem, to getting on with the| met with little approval. Mr. Asqurrn, IVARI, 353 while admitting that something of the kind might be required, took exception to the vagueness of its drafting. “What is ‘ substantial’?” he inquired. “ Ask SOMETHING “SUBSTANTIAL.” Mr. Wiit THORNE, ithem another!’ Mr. Winn Trorne | joyfully interjected. ‘ What is ‘sub- stantial’?” repeated the Ex-PREMIER ; whereupon the Coalition with one voice replied, “ Witt THorNR.” With MINISTER managed t out of its hostile mood and to satisfy the majority, any that the measure was neither provocative no! consummate skill the Prime ; ve get O al rate, action” mentary confront country with the alternatives of starva- bodies might tion or surrender. Tuesday, Octobe In these 1 VPOth. ithe smallest occasion for merriment. | There was great laughter when Colonel | Yare, the politest of nen, inadvertently lreferred to Sir ARCHIBALD WILLIAMSON jas “the right honourable gent,” and it broke forth again when, in his anxiety to tout court as “the right honourable.” soldiers in Ireland, over a million pounds a month. But Mr, Cuurcuit. took the cheery view that after all they had to be somewhere, and would cost nearly as much even in Great Britain. They would cost a good deal more in Mesopotamia, where we have a hundred thousand troops (British and Indian), and the cost is two and a half millions a month. Sir Winu1M Joyn- sonx-Hicxs could not understand why costing the House | inopportune, but a necessary precau- | tion against the possibility that “direct | on the part of extra-Parlia- | the | ] troublous times the House gladly seizes | make no further slip, he addressed him | There are some fifty thousand British | we should spend all this money “ merely to hand the country back to the rebels.” Mr. Cuurcainy said he had heard no- thing about handing the country back to the rebels; from which it may be inferred either that he is not admitted into all the secrets of the Cabinet or that he draws a distinction between “rebels” and “ persons who object to British rule.” The Press campaign in favour of a nickel three-halfpenny coin has not sue- ceeded. In Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's opinion it would not be a coin of vantage. Among his objections to it may be the }extreme probability that the present | Administration would promptly be nick- {named (1 will not say nickel-named) “the Three-half-penny Government.” Owing to a number of concessions announced by the Home Secretary the Emergency Powers Bill had a fairly smooth passage through Committee. Objections were still raised to making an Emergency Act permanent—it does sound rather like a contradiction in terms-—~-but the ArTrorNney-GRENERAL skilfully countered them by pointing out that it was only the framework of the machinery, not the regulations, that would be permanent. One can imagine the bold bad baron who set up a gallows to overawe his villeins comforting ob- jectors with the remark that after all it was merely a framework—quite useless j without a rope | | | | | BOLD Sir Gonvon Hewant, ‘‘ MERELY A FRAME- THE BAD BARON, WORK—QUITE USELESS WITHOUT A ROPE.” Wednesday, October 27th. — Much pother in the Lords because the First Commissioner oF Works had set up a Committee to advise him with re- gard to the preservation of ancient —— |

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354 PUNCH, : OR THE LONDON CHAR monuments, including cathedrals and churches, without first consulting the ecclesiastical authorities. Lord Par- mooR moved a condemnatory resolu- tion, and His Grace of CanreRBuRY, after renouncing Sir ALyrep Monp and all his works, declared that, so far as religious edifices were concerned, the proposed Committee was a superfluity of naughtiness with which he person- ally would have nothing todo. Lord LyTron, with that delightful free-and- easiness which characterises the atti- tude of our present Ministers towards their colleagues, observed that he could have sympathised with the objectors if it were really intended to place cathedrals under Sir ALFrep's care; but it wasn't; so why all | this fuss ? Lord Crawrorp, while sharing the Opposition’s dishke 4 | of restorers, from VIOLLET-LE- |/||/) | i| | i | Duc tothe late Lord Griwtrnorrr, | could not admit that in this mat- | ter the Office of Works had been }// guilty of anything worse than a | want of tact. Lord Parmoor in- | sisted on going to a division, and ‘hi carried his motion by 27 to 17. |Mifl Despite this shattering blow the Wi Government is said to be going Hi on as well as can be expected. 1h What happened at Jutland? After four years’ cogitation the Admiralty does not appear to have emerged from the state of uncertainty into which it was GrEENWOoD's emphatic declaration that he was not going to accept the state- ments even of English newspaper correspondents against the reports of officials “for whom I am responsible and in whom I have confidence.” Assuming that the House of Com- mons is, a3 1t ought to be, a microcosm of the population, it will be some time before this country goes “ dry.’” Mem- bers of all parties pressed upon the Prime Mruistrer the necessity of re- laxing the regulations of the Liquor Control Board. His suggestion that an informal Committee should be set up to make recommendations to the| TH l iean do more. dae OLD CHURCHES RESTORED C; | 4 KCCLESIASTICAL SPECIALIST. || Compron MAcKENziIF a VARI. THE DOWNING OF THE PEN. A LirtLe difference of opinion on the moral aspect of strikes which has been ventilated in The Daily News has caused one correspondent to write: “ Let us suppose that Mr. Sinas Hocking regards the serial rights of one of his novels as worth £250, Suppose I offer him £100, What does he do? He withholds his labour; and quite right too!’ But does this an: logy go far enough ? It would be a simple matter, for which we might easily console ourselves, if the author in question mere ‘ly withheld his own labour. But if aco 8 1920 he followed modern strike tactics he would alling in aid the services of his brother Josern, he would en- deayvour by peaceful persuasion to induce Mrs. Asgurru, Mr. Arnoup | Benner, Mrs. Exinor Guiyn, Mr. and others |) UI MNIRCATHEORALS RENOVATED . VN |))| ALL REPAIRS PROMPTLY Ml A EXECUTED. il APPLY : ALF. MOND, | ii | vor me Bree Ih o me | Wh \ a mult MMI Was in charge of the to withhold their labour also, Picketing would follow, and Lon- don would be stirred to its depths by the news that Sir Hane Cawe was on duty outside the establish. iw ment of The Sunday Pictorial, iit and that Miss Evrae. M. Deu q iad on the doorstep of the \malgamated iF YOU WANT. A PYLON plunged by the first news of the battle. In February last Mr. Lona announced that the official report | || would be published “ shortly,” but then the German sailors began to publish their stories, and these == tory of the War to unravel the tangle and inform Lords Jentiicon and Beatty (who, according to Sir James Crala, are quite agreeable to the pro posal) exactly what they and their gal- lant seamen really did on that famous occasion. Thursday, October 28th.—There being no Labour Party in the House of Lords the Emergency Powers Bill passed through all its stages in a single sitting. Even Lord Crewe did not challenge its necessity in these troublous times, but Lord Askwith was a little alarmed at the possibility that “an unreasoning Home Secretary ’—as if there could ever be such a monster!—might be over hasty to issue Orders in Council, and so exacerbate an industrial dispute. A long list of “ reprisa! " Questions mercifully curtailed by the time-limit ~wan ehiedy remarkable for Sir HAMAR — Press. Sympathetic strikes would de velope. The newspaper-vendors would rise and demand that The « Daily Mirror feuilleton be sup pressed, thus plunging the coun try into an agony of suspense, and railwaymen would cease work at the sight of any passenger im mersed in the most recent instal —- - ——— — —— not very unnaturally diferstiio ALF: MOND & ®, BUILDERS . So now Mr. W. W, Jacon My Lords have decided to leave Ss wl dress mass meetings at t! Sir Junran Cornerr’s Naval His- A PILLAR OF THE CHURCH, Government was received with cheers, and there was much amusement when Mr. Borromi.ey and Lady Astor, who do not, | gather, quite see eye to eye on this subject, promptly nominated them- selves for membership. As the Prime Minister is popularly supposed to be not averse from appear ing in the limelight, especially when there is good news to impart, it is pleasant to record that he left to Sir Ronerr Horne the congenial task of announcing that an agreement had been reached with the Miners’ Federa- tion, and that the coal-strike was on the high road to settlement. The terms, as stated, seemed to be satisfac- tory to all parties, and the only mys tery is why the negotiators should have required the stimulus of a strike before they could arrive at them. ment of the ome Bits serial story. W W JACOBS would ad ¢ Docks, and Mr. Himarre Beitoc would embark on a resolute thirst-strike. At the same time daily would compete in offering solutions of the problem. One would say, “ Kor goodness’ sake give him the extra pal try one hundred and fifty pounds and let the country get on with its and another would suggest a compro- mise at one hundred-and-tifty conditional upon the author's output, Far from the simple withh — of his labour by a single novelis turmoil would ensue as would not only shake our intellectual life to its found- ations, but would keep the PRIME MINISTER engaged in the exploration of interminable vistas of avenue. new spapers work;"’ guineas, such a Mixed Education. “Formerly a student at Lady Margaret t Hall, Oxford, her husband is a Fellow of Balliol College.”"— Local Paper. | \\ \| ss.

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ae - - a a aE NovEMBen « 8, 1920.) Prospective Silter (with unconventional past). Artist, “Guap TO Hearn THAT, IT at ~] “T ALWAY THE SUBSTITUTE. Sweets are replacing aleohol,—Vude Papers pa As more and more the god of wine _ Grows faint from want of tippling, Nor round his path the roses shine, Nor purple streams are rippling ; As usquebaugh and malt and hops No longer much entice us, We crown anew with lollipops, With peppermints, with acid drops, The nobler Dionysus, Bright coloured as his orient car Piled high with autumn splendours, The pageants of the sweets tuffs are At all the pastry-vendors From earliest flush of di iwn till eight The Maenad nymphs in masses With lions’ he ‘lp upbear the f freig h t Of marzipan and chocolate And stickjaw and molasses. The poet from whose lips of flame Wine drew the songs, the full sighs, Performs the business just the same When masticating buil’s-eyes ; The knight who bids a fond “ Farewell, Love 's large, but honour 's larger! Shares with the Lady Amabel One last delicious caramel And leaps upon his charger. WAYS TRY TO MAKI PUNCH, on THE LONDON CHARIVARI, cose 355 YOU GHT SUCTL WONDERFUL CHARACTER INTO YOUR PORTRAITS. MY RUBIES | | | | | | | | j } creatures only sought the kind of “ ithe domestic hearth. rs’ PORTRAITS A MIRROR OF THETR PAST Lives.” The rake inured to eard-room traps, Yet making fearful faces Beeause his foes, perfidious chaps, Have always all the aces “Ruined! the old place mortgaged ! faueh !’ (The guttering candles quiver) Instead of draining brandy raw Clenches a jujube mn his jaw And strolls towards the river O happier time that soothes the brain And rids us of our glum fits (Eliminating dry champagne) With eandy and with comftits! The oak reflects the firelight’s beam In song the moments fly by Till the old squire, his face agleam, Sucking the last assorted cream, Toddles away to bye-bye von. From a P.S.A. notice “Subject: *A Renewep Worn No Sorrow No Pain No Death.’ No Colleetion,”— Local Paper. Che last item sounds almost too good to be true “The proposed changes were discussed with the captain of the England side and one or two prominent crickets who had visited Australia.”—Eapensive Daily Paper, Hitherto it had been supposed that tlhese cheerful little that you get on asic % :

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| * and they they go on strike,” she said to the Brown Owl. « PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. NOVEMBER ) 1920. A STRIKE IN FAIRYLAND. Tut fairies were holding a mk “They grumble when we send the rain,” said a Rain-fairy grumble when we don’t g “And we get no thanks,” sighed a Flower-fairy time we spend getting the flowers ready and washing the faces and folding them up every night ! ‘As for the stars,” said a Star fairy, “we might ju " well leave them unlit for all the gratitude we get, and it such a rush sometimes to get all over the sky in time. They don't even beheve in us. We wouldn't mind anything if they believed in us.” " No,” agree a lot of trouble to get just da Rainbow-fairy, “that's true. I take suel the right colours, and it ly is tO be done so quickly. But wouldn't mind if they believed inus ‘“T wonder what they'd do,” said the () een, “il no one} believed in them «They ‘d go on strike said the Brown Owl (he wa head of the Mimi try of Wisdom) se I'he \ strike if they don’t lke anything.” “Then we'll determination They all cheered, except the Flower-fairies * But the flowers,’ they said, “they ‘ll get so dusty wit] no one to wash them. and so tired with no one to fold them up at nights.” “T hadn't thought of that,’ always LO go on strike said the Queen with great said the Queen \W hen how do things get done ?”’ The Brown Owl considered for a moment and everyone waited in silence. “ Of course there are sometimes blacklegs, i “I don't know what blacklegs are,” cheerfully, “ but we ‘Il appoint some.” he began said the Queen And she did. YER OWN FIC} “Is that all?’ Someone out said the » request , 1) “Is that all “You ought to talk ever so 1 Brown Owl » a fairy was sympathetic strike A LUMP UGLIER.” aid the (Jueen ht to have ‘The ott sent Lo syinpathetic st ilways do tl the Court ol uid the Queen. fath more, 4 aid the Bro “Yes, but they can’t help it, can they | kindly Lo gossip with tl ic fle wel And so the trike beg in th None of the birds who wn 30 hard in that he was as hoarse as blackl it his efforts to make the next n eg fairies had a hard time too. They fh& crow 4, as they usualls evening sang except one | ttle b } flew round with them acorn cups ot dew and } ponges and washed their faces and folded and kissed them good-night “ But what “We ‘re portantly ; “n on Meanwhile the st strike,” he matter ? said for oul selves, but for The Brown Owl had heard them say t of the fairies sat rest ; said the flowe ! one ; t Fr ] mournful, awaiting developments. Then a Thought-fairy flew in. into your heat terrible shocks sometimes ‘I’ve been all over the world,” she said I Li ‘and it’s much better than you think believe in us and of the othe post ru lent Thought tn and know just what you think (ue Jueen ov Robin, ta minute ‘ } i She paused dramaticall) “Yes?” they said eagerly. * All fathers of little girls believe in us.” The Queen shook her head. “They only pretend,” she said. nen thre \ tledown petals Liries im and rather ; can see They get ul hlessly, | ttle girls . ¢ # + ‘ 4 | | . er | | | BEG ees ; |

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ee eo ee ee ae " eters eens statnernsnesteg pet Reales - f ey Novemper 3, 1920.} : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 357 | } } ; } i | j | | } | | — TSA Salesman. “lv 18 POSSIBLE THAT IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT OUR CAR WAS DRIVEN UP ALL THE FLIGHTS OF STEPS aT THE Crystan Panace.” Inquiring Visitor. “Wr_i—rern—nor mecn. You ser, I Live IN A BUNGALOW.” | “No, that’s just it,” said the Thought-fairy “They | us = ' THE OPENING RUN. | | pretend to pretend. They never tell anyone, but they really} \ believe.” ; He rain-sodden grass in the ditehes is dying \ “Then we ‘ll end the strike,” said the (Jueen The berries are red to the erest of the thorn ; j | Here the Brown Owl bustled in, carrying a little note- ( oronet deep where the beech-leaves are lying book. . he hunters stand tense to the twang of the horn ; | “I’ve found out lots more,” he said excitedly. “ We Where rides are refilled with the green of the mosses, | must have an executive and delegates and a ballot and a All foam-flecked and fretful their long line is strung ; union and a Sankey Commission report and a seale of the | You can see the white gleam as a starred forehead tosses, ; - | , T; oP . ’ ‘ ‘ ‘ | , cost of living and a datum line and v" |} You ean hear the low chink as a bit-bar is flung | “But the strike’s over,” said the (Jueen “It was | misunderstanding.” The world’s full of musie. Hounds rustle the rove | Through brushwood and fern to a glad “ Gone away Se hae I “Of course,” he said huflily. “ All strikes are that, but With a “Come along, Pilot !”’——one spur-touch and over— | S correct to carry them on as long as possible.” The huntsman is clear on his galloping grey ; “And the blacklegs are to have a special reward.” | Before him the pack ’s running straight on the stubble ui ’ ” j ’ + ’ P | |’ *That’s illogical,” muttered the Brown Owl. | * T'oot-toot-too-too-too-oot ! “ Tow-row-ow-ow-ow {"" He was right, of cours » but things are illogical in| The leaders are clambering up through the double ie yy , - | Fairyland. lhat’s the nicest part of it | And glittering away on the brown of the plough. i The front rank, bands down, have the big fence’s measure ; “Fears are entertained that the chalice, which is of | have been brok It, may en up and investments profaned.”—Datly Herald, The faint-hearts are craning to left and to right; low The Master goes through with a crash on “ The Treasure ;”’ | We should have thought that our Communistic con The grey takes the lot like a gull in his flight; temporary was the last paper that would have considered | There 's a brown crumpled up, lying still as a dead one; Mvestinents sacred. | ‘There's a roan mare refusing, as stubborn as sin; 7 ; i While the breaker flogs up on a green underbred one K.T. B and T. W. H both of Liverpoo!] who were 1m] company with Mr. I, about fifty one mile And smashes the far-away rail with a grin. in the car, agreed that the peed wa . san hour. On the gratient and at the turn it was The chase carries on over hilltop and hollow, hot safe to trave! faster.”- | | The life of Old England, the pluck and the fun ; One of those examples of “Safety First” which we are | And who would ask more than a stiff line to follow ; always pleased to chronicle. : | With hounds running hard in the Opening Run? W.H.O. Provincial Paver

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358 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 3, 1990, IN PRAISE OF THE PELICANS. | Tue pelicans in St. James's Park On every day from dawn to dark Pursue, inscrutable of mien, A fixed unvarying routine. Whatever be the wind or weather They spend their time in peace together, And plainly nothing can upset The harmony of their quartet. Most punctually by the clock They roost upon or quit their rock, Or swim ashore and hold their levée, Lords of the mixed lacustrine bevy ; Or with their slow unwieldy gait Their green domain perambulate, Or with prodigious flaps and prances Indulge in their peculiar dances, Returning to their feeding-ground What time the keeper goes his round With fish and scraps for their nutrition After laborious deglutition. Calm, self-sufficing, self possessed, They never mingle with the rest, Watching with not unfriendly eye The antics of the lesser fry, Save when bold sparrows draw too neat Their mighty beaks and disappear. Outlandish birds, at times grotesque, And yet superbly picturesque, Although resignedly we mourn \ Park dismantled and forlorn, Long may it be ere you forsake Your quarters on the minished Lake ; | hues And ways that startle and amuse, | You constantly refresh the eye And cheer the heart of passers by, > Undeviatingly urbane, And lending London's commonplace A touch of true heraldic grace, RING IN THE OLD THERE 1s a of London hospitals, asks to see the sec retary, presumes (as | any further parley hands to the startled tune of five hundred pounds. He then vanishes without giving name or ad dress. This unknown dressed in top-boots, riding breeches of honourable antiquity, a black coat green with age and a “Cup Final” cap. At the same time (this too on The Times’ authority) there is an oddly and obso- lescently attired lady going about who also makes London hospitals her hobby She begins by asking the secretary if she may take off her boots, and, receiv- ing permission, takes them off, places For there, with splendid plumes and | Untouched by years of shock and strain, | shabby-looking man who (I read it in The Times) rings the bell | is always a safe thing to do) that the establishment is grievously in need of funds, and without | but gratified official bank-notes to the | benefactor is | her feet on an adjacent chair and hands him two thousand pounds, The result of the activities of these angelic visitants is that all the other | hospital porters have had instructions from their eager and hopeful secretaries |to be careful to be polite to any and |every person, even though he or she |should be in rags, who expresses the faintest desire to enter on business ; solicitous, welcom- ing, cordial; while all the secretaries are at this moment polishing up their smiles and practising an easy manner with ladies in last century costumes who put sudden and unexpected requests. The ‘Times, in limiting the effect of these curious occurrences entirely to more than polite hospital servants, seems to me to lose Surely the con more wide-reaching a great opportunity sequence 5 will be ithan that? To my mind we may even go so far as to hail the dawn of the golden age tor old clothes ; for in the fear that shabbiness may be merely a whimsical disguise or the mark of a millionaire’s eccentricity the whole world (which is very imitative and very hard up) will begin to fawn upon it, and then at last many of us will enter the earthly paradise : But the gentleman who puts ease before el vance and the lady who pre fers comfort to convention have got to u work a little harder yet They must } not fold their hands at the moment hunder the limnpression that their labours | ure done The support of hospitals is humane and only too necessary, and | ull | ir to them tor their generosity ; | but othe sp! eres of action await ex | id hoped that the War was going r » reform ideas on dress and make } thir more sunple for those whose beeen t knees go baggy so soon and re i}main thus fo 0 long ; but, like too many of the expectations which we used ito foster, this also has failed. It is | the efore the benign couple who must }earry on the good work. Let them, if | tl ey really love their fellow-creatures, igo to a wedding or two (having pre- viously given a present of suflicient | Value to ensure respect) and display | tl ei careless garb among the guests, jand then in a little while old garments | would at these exacting functions be come as fashionable as new and we should all be happier. ked to a wedding last week, and should have aecepted but for the great Smart Clothes tradition. If The Times’ hero and heroine were to be come imaginatively busy as I suggest, I was as I could go to all the weddings in the world. (Heaven forbid!) Receptions, formal lunches, the laying of stones, the unveiling of monuments, private nee, these ceremonies, now so full of terrors for any but the dressy, could be made endurable if only the gentle. man in the black coat green with age and the lady with the elastic sides would show themselves prominently views and receive conspicuous attentions And then, if any more stat t ues were needed for the police to keep their waterproofs on, one of them should be that of an unknown philanthropical gentleman who wears venerable top- boots, and another that of a philan thropical lady who would rather be without any boots at all, and the inscrip tion on the pedestals would state that their glorious achievement was this: They made old clothes the thing See EV. L THE OLD BEER FLAGON. (Many old English flayons are adorned inside with qrolesque figure sof animais.) Wirrin my foaming flagon There crawls on countless legs ’ lle eee +4 4 DL Db oe eee ORS a ee oe ss Eee CF A lazy grinning dragon mn . } } That wallows in the dregs; Of old I saw him nightly s Look up with friendly le: } . . ' As if to hint politely, ; **T share your taste in beer! } Through merry nights unnumbered — | : (From Boxing Day to Yule) F He'd greet me, ere | slumbered ; From out his ambei p But now he is beginnu To look a trifle sti His smile, onee wide and winning, Has undergone a char | No more, as pints dimit = (1 wish the price gr | He hails me at the tin With wonted cheerin " lor, as I drain my mel Allowances of ale, | yé He seems to sigh, * Old f \ hg Well Pr SSYFOOT preyall A Fre = | th re Commercial Candour. hi i * Cleaning and pre ng suites, $3. Dyeing | f and pressing suits, $6, Clotl returned | a looking lke now.” ' fa Advt. in ** Standard" (B lives) b . 14 ec From an election address k “Asa woman and a ratepaye realise the paye ‘oidable t importance of eliminating all unavoidadk expenditure in Municipal undertakings P i | Laper. ti We trust she will be elected and show fi how it's done. n t “ After an interval of seven years, the r ‘ Beasts’ Ball, a pre-war popular annu il event t in aid of the Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, is to be held at the Guild- c hall, on Wednesday, November 10 lickets 8 can be obtained from Mrs, Bushe- Fox and : from Mrs. Wolf.”—Cambridge Review. ; It sounds just like Uncle Nemus. ‘

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Novewwer 3, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 359 Se - > . en ps ee tS ee . ECHOES OF THE COAL STRIKE. ring apour? THERE AIN'T NO RACING,’ ’ “WHAT'S THE KID si leminently desirable parts of residential London, affect one OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, 1 ke portions ot some monstrous stone fronted edifice, im i (By Mr, Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) pressive but repellent. I have some curiosity to see, with “Two households, both alike In dignity . oe | isk Mr. (GALSWORTHY'S help, how the kor ité castle stands you, could the novel, of which this quotation is the text ithe di integration of 1914-18 have been written by anyone but Mr. Joun Ganswortuy Actually indeed the disputants belong to two branches off What with the scientists who explain things on the the same family, that grim tribe of Forsytes, whom you! assumption that we know nearly as much as they do and remember in The Man of Property, and of whose ec llective | those who explain things on the assumption that we know history the present book is a further instalment (not, |} nothing, it is very difficult for you and me to persevere 1n fancy, the last ce should certainly advise anvone not already | ow original determination to learn something But lL have familiar with the former work to get up his orsytes therein | always felt that Sir Ray LANKESTER 1s one of the very few before attacking this: otherwise he may risk some dis-|who do understand us, and I feel it still more strongly now couragement from the plunge into so numerous a clan. /that I have read his Secrets of Harth and Sea (MeTruven). known for the most part only by Christian names, with | He is instructive but human; he does not t ike it for granted ns, but he does their complex relationships and the mass of bygone hap ithat we know what miscegenation meat penings that unites or separates them. This stage of the | eredit us with a little intelligence And he realises how tribal history is called In Chancery (HetseMany), chiefly | many arguments we have had about questions like “ Why from the state of suspended animation experienced by the | does the sea look blue?" Per sonally lL rushed at that how middle-aged Soames (** Man of Property”) with rega d| chapter, though I must say that L was a httle disappointed to his never-divorced runawav wife Jrene. Following the] to find that the gist of his answer was “ Because water ts ruling Forsyte instinet, Soames wants a son who will kee p | blue ' You see, if you had a tooth glass fifteen feet high together and even increase his great possessions, while} and filled it with water But you must find out for continuing lls personality The expiring generation, repre yourself Then I went on to the chapter on ( oal, and sented by James, is urgent upon this duty to the family i discovered that “it is fairly certain that the blacker coal a may imagine what Mr. GauswortHy makes of it all. which we find in strata of great geological age was 80 pro- hese possessive persons, with their wealth, their hatred | duced by the action of special kinds of bacteria upon peat- and affections and their various strongholds in the more {like masses of vegetable refuse I wonder if Mr. Smiuire ays sweetie Cor nearer cae

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| coronation would never 360 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 3, 1990, | knows that. It might help him to a sense of proportion. The author is constantly setting up a surprising but stimu- lating relation between the naturalist’s researches and the problems of human life, as when he observes that “the ‘colour bar’ is not merely the invention of human prejudice, but already exists in wild plants and animals,” and in his remarks on mongrels and the regrettable subjection of the males of many species. There are chapters on Wheel Animalcules, Vesuvius, Prehistoric Art—everything—and all are admirably illustrated. A fascinating book. The Diary of a Journalist (Murray) is a volume of which the title is its own sufficient description, save that it leaves unsuggested the interest that such briskly written and comprehensive comments as these of our old friend, Sir Henry Lucy, must command. His book differs from most of those in the flood of recollections that has lately broken upon us in being a selection from “impressions of the “ ————— worth it. Catherines, whether they marry or are given in marriage, or do anything else, are really stationary; and. since the persons of a story, if it is to be worth telling must move in some direction, Mr. Hixton will be well advised in future to choose a different type of heroine, | want to say too that I don’t believe that it is either so easy or so profitable to become a well-known pianist “not in the front rank” as he seems to imagine it is. I wish ] could think that no one else would believe him. It seems rather a bright idea of C. Nina Boyze to dedicate ‘“‘to Thea and Irene, whose lives have lain in sheltered ways,’ a seven-shilling shocker about ways that | are anything but sheltered. Perhaps the sheltered in general, | and THea and [RENE in particular, will take it from me that the villainies of Out of the Frying Pan are much larger than life or, at any rate, much more concentrated, and that pseudo-orphans like Maisie usually have a better chance moment written without knowledge of the ultimate result.”’ of getting out of frying-pans into something cool than In these stray moments between the years 1885 and 1917 I find at least two examples in which this ignorance of the final event adds much to the interest of the immediate record—the startling forecast of the ex- Katser’s destiny, entered in the Diary under November '98; and the mention, long before the actual illness of Kina Epwarp de- clared itself, of the growing belief in cer- tain circles that his take place. It is at once obvious that not even “Tony's” three previous volumes have | by any means exhaust- | ed his fund of good stories, the scenes of which range from West- Knight (to his henchman) FORGOTTEN ANYTHING ? Henchman, “It’s THE PORTRAIT OF TO TAKE INTO BATTLE WITH you, Sir.” Knight. “Dip 1? Wet, I must r’ BACK. ONE NEVER KNOWS—IT MAY BI ‘““ EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, PERKINS? YoU HAVEN'T Wuat’s THAT? the author allows her heroine. I also submit that there was nothing in Maisie's equipment to suggest that she would have been quite so slow in separating goats from sheep. But let me say that Tara and IRENE have had dedicated to them an exciting and amusing fritto misto of crooks, demi-mondaines, black- | mailers, gamblers, ' roués, murderers, re- | ceivers and decent con- | genital idiots of allsorts. The characterisation is tg adroitly done and the sn CEN | workmanship avoids that slovenliness which makes nineteen out of twenty books of this kind a weariness ol spirit to the perceptive. >” YOUR LaDy, SIR, THAT YOU PROMISED EN KEEP MY WORD. FASTEN IT ON MY USEFUL IN CASE OF A REVERSE.” minster to Bouverie Street, and round half the stately (or, at least, interesting) homes of England. Of them all—not forgetting Disrarti and the peacocks and a new W. S. GILBERT—my personal choice would be for the mystery of the Unknown Guest, who not only took a place, but was persuaded to speak, at a private dinner given by Sir Joun Hare at the Garrick Club, without anyone ever knowing who he was or how he came there. A genial lucky-bag book, which (despite unusually full chapter head- ings) would be improved by an index to its many prizes. Mr. James Hutton is very young and very clever. If, as he grows older, he learns to be clever about more interesting things he ought to write some very good novels. Catherine Herself (Uxwns) has red hair, but then she has a rather more red-haired disposition than most red-haired heroines have to justify it, so this is not my real objection to the book. My quarrel is that, though I cannot call it an ugly story without giving a false impression, it is certainly a quite unbeautiful one, and at the end of its three hundred and more pages it has achieved nothing but a full-length portrait of an utterly selfish woman. Mr. Hinton has dissected her most brilliantly; but I don’t think she is I wonder if Maisie with such a father and mother would have been such a darling. Perhaps Professor Kart Pearson will explain. The Hon. William Toppys (pronounced “Tops’’), brother of Lord Topsham, left Devonshire and retired to an island in the Torres Straits. There he married a Melanesian woman and became the father of a frizzy-haired and coffee- coloured son. It is a little strange to me, who think of | Mr. Bennet CoppLestoneE as Deyonian to the tip of his | | pen-finger, that the Hon. William is not rebuked for so shamelessly deserting his native county. Instead he 1s 'almost applauded for his.wisdom, and this despite the fact that he quite spoilt the look of the family tree with his exotic graft. For in the course of time his son, insularly known as Willatopy, inherited the title and became twenty-eighth (no less) Baron of Topsham. Mr. CoppLEstone does not realise the vast difference between light comedy and broad farce, but apart from this substantial reservation I can vouch that his yarn of Madame Gilbert's Cannibal (MURRAY) is deftly spun. Should you decide to follow the famous | Madame Gilbert when she visits the island where the twenty-eighth baron lived you will witness a lively and unusual entertainment. ‘ | te sa 2 a a a a a oe

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CHARIVARIA. Now that the Presidential elections are over it is hoped that any Irish- Americans who joined the Sinn Fein murder-gang for electioneering ur- poses will go home again. Owing to pressure on space, due among other things to the American election, the net sale controversy in one of our contemporaries was held over on Wednesday last. We are quite sure that neither Senator HARDING nor Mr. Cox was aware of his responsibility in the matter. Lord Howarp DE WALDEN says, “ I would rather trust a crossing-sweeper duced what they describe as a three- quarter one-step. It will soon be im- possible to go to a dance without being accompanied by a professional arithmetician. , .. It seems that high prices have even put an end to the chicken that used to cross the road. “Only through poverty,” says Mr. Maurice Hew tert, “ will England thrive.” Asa result of this statement we understand that several profiteers have decided to get down to it once again. ‘ A Japanese arrested at Hull was

found to have seven revolvers and two eral college professors of America quite readily admit that they never thought of that one. —< A corresponent writes to a contem- porary to say that he wears a hat ex- actly like The Daily Mail hat, and that he purchased it long before The Daily Mail was started. The audacity of some people in thinking that any- thing happened before The Daily Mail started is simply appalling. + x Three stars have recently been dis- covered by an American. No, no; not those stars, but stars in the heavens.

with an appreciation of imusic than a man who | comes from a public school.” We agree. The former is | much more likely to have been a professional music- ian in his time. The mystery of the Scot- tish golf club that was re- cently inundated with ap- plications for membership is now explained. It appears that a caddy refused a tip of sixpence offered him by one of the less affluent mem- bers, and the story some- how leaked out. ae At one Hallowe'en dinner held in London the haggis was ten minutes late. It is said that it had had trouble , with a dog on the way and had come off second best.

* The man who was heard

Mrs. Jones. “You ’p SEE IN THE PAPERS, JOHN, ABOUT * * TION IN FAVOUR OF THE WIFE GOVERNING THE HOME.” Mr. Jones. “ WELL, CARRY ON, DEAR.” THE AGITA- in his memoirs. We have light whilst travelling after dark. ae * A small island was adver- sailor to take with him when crossing the Channel on a rough day. . , declares, ‘that electric light © ” in more eggs. never have the real actinic taste of the natural egg. An American inventor has devised a scheme for lasso-

last week to say that he had no idea that Mrs. Asquitu had published a book of memoirs has now, on the advice of his friends, consented to see a doctor. * The clergy of Grays, in Essex, are advocating the abolition of Sunday funerals. It is said that quite a number of strict Sabbatarians have a rooted objection to being buried on the Sabbath. : According to an evening paper haw- thom buds have been plucked at Hornsey. We don’t care. x * ., A Liberal Independent writes to ask ifthe Mr. Luoyp Grorar, who has been elected Lord Rector of Edinburgh University, is the well-known Prime Minister of that name. + *

A firm of ete of music publishers have pro- thousand rounds of ammunition on him. It was pointed out to him that the War was over long ago. A contemporary refers to a romance which ended in marriage. Alas! how often this happens. The United States Government has decided to recognise the present Mexican Government. Mexican bandits say they had better take a good look at them while there is yet time. A Prohibitionist asserts that Scot- land will be dry in five years. Our own feeling is that these end-of-the- world prognostications should be pro- hibited by law. + » An Oxford professor has made him- self the subject of a series of experi- ments on the effects of alcohol. Sev-

ing enemy submarines. This is a de- “ Whilst returning to camp one night | I walked right into a herd of elephants,” | states a well-known explorer | always maintained that all | wild animals above the size ! of a rabbit should carry two head-lights and one rear- |

tised for sale last week. Just | the sort of thing for a bad | “ Everyone knows,” a | writer in The Daily Mail | in the poultry-house results | There may | be more of them but they / cided improvement on the method of | just sticking a pin into them as they whizz by. * " Since the talk of Prohibition in Scot- | land, we are informed that one concert singer began the chorus of the famous Scottish ballad by singing “ O ye 'll tak the dry road.”

From an article on “Bullies at the Bar” :— “ He who had read his ‘ Pickwick ’—and who | has not ?—will never forget the trial scene where poor, innocent Mr. Pickwick is as wax in the hands of the cross-examiner.” Provincial Paper. We regret to say that, in our edition, Mr. Serjeant Snubbin omitted to put his client in the witness-box, and con- sequently Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz never had a chance of showing what he could do with him.

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i } i i { Pi 362 PUN ‘CH, OR THE LON ‘DON CHARIVARL [Soveusen. 10, 1920. BEFORE THE CENOTAPH. NoveMBER 11tTu, 1920. Nor with dark pomp of death we keep their day, Theirs who have passed beyond the sight of men, O’er whom the autumn strews its gold again, And the grey sky bends to an ei arth as grey a SR = en began to take its place “% my mind along with the sea- serpent and similar figures of marine mythology. I was frankly hurt; I ceased even to raise my hat when passing the Admir alty Offices on the top of a bus. That was a month or two ago; again now. everything is all right I once more e xpe rience the old ple asing thnill | of emotion when riding down Whitehall. I have come to | i But we who live are silent even as they see how ungracious my recent attitude was. While the world’s heart marks one deep throb; and A chance meeting with Bunbury, late sub-Loot R.N.V.R, | then, and a sometime shipmate of mine- Bunbury and I had | Touched by the gleam of suns beyond our ken, squandered our valour recklessly together aboard the T yne | The Stone of Honour crowns the trodden way. | drifters in the great days when Be lon: a wore bell-bottoms— | Above the people whom they died to save sre to bring ae head- -to-wind. EP . | Their shrine of sleep is set ; abideth there ls 161 ‘ a gee per aout, —— a he non- | No dust corruptible, nought that death may have: ulhiment of our early dreams ; spoke rather bitterly But from remembrance of the days that were ‘And there are fourteen millions somewhere belonging Rises proud sorrow in a resistless wave to “$0 i concluded mutinously. That breaks upon the oe) sepulchre. D. M.S. Bunbury regarded me with pained surprise Really, | OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY. Prize- Money. Tue really intriguing thing about Naval prize-money is the fact that no one knows exactly where it comes from. You don’t win it by any definite act of superlative daring I mean to say, you don’t have to creep out under cover of darkness and return in the morning with an enemy battle- ship in tow to qualify for a modicum of this mysterious treasure. You just proceed serenely on your lawful occa- sions, confident in the knowledge that incredible sums of prize-money are piling themselves up for your ultimate benefit. 1 suppose the authorities understand all it; nobody else does. One just lets it pile. gratifying thought. During the more or less stormy times of the First Great War, we of the Navy were always able to buttress our resolution with golden hopes of a future opulence denied to our less fortunate comrades in the trenches. the struggle was going particularly badly for us—when, for instance, a well-earned shore-leave had been unexpectedly jammed a tin of condensed milk had overturned into somebody's sea-boot cheerful about It is a most we used to console each other wit! reminders of this accumulating fruit of our en- deavours. “Think of the prize-money, my boy,” we used to exclaim; “ meditate upon the jingling millions that will be yours when the dreary vigil is ended ;” and as by magic the unseemly mutterings of wrath would give place to purrs of pleasurable anticipation. Even we of the R.N.V.R., mere temporary face-fringes, as it were, which the razor of peace was soon to remove from the war-time visage of the Service—even we fell under the spell. “ Fourteen million pounds!” we would gurgle, hugging ourselves with joy in the darkness of the night -watches. In the months immediately following demobilisation I was frequently stimulated by glittering visions of vast wealth presently to be showered upon me from the swel- ling coffers of a grateful Admiralty. During periods of more or less temporary financial embarrassment I would mention these expectations to my tailor and other rest- less tradespeople of my acquaintance. “a N , shis Fourteen millions —prize-money, you know,” I would say confidentially ; “‘may come in at any time now.” I found this had a soothing effect upon them. ‘ As the seasons rolled by, however ran their appointed courses and again the primrose pranked the lea unaccompanied by any signs of vernal actiy ity on the part of the Paymaster-in-Chief, these visions of mine became less insistent. I was at le ngth obliged to confess that another youthful illusion was fading; ; as summer and winter prize-money Whenever old sea-dog,” he said, “this won't do. Never let the | engine-oil of discontent leak into the rum-cask of loyal | memories, you know. Now listen to me. Two years ago | you and I wore the wavy gold braid of a valiant life: we | surged along irresistibly in the wake of NELson; we kept the watch assigned. Does not your bosom very nearly | | burst with pride to call those days to mind? “It does. | | What then? Has it never once occurred to you that the | last remaining link between us and the stirring past is | this very prize-money you are so eager to soil with the | grimy clutch of avarice? Don’t you realize that this alone exists to keep our memory green in the minds of our old | leaders at Whitehall? Picture the scene as it 1s | mentions the word ‘ prize-money.’ Immediately the Lords lof the Admiralty reach for their record files and begin | | turning over the pages. They come upon the names of | | John Augustus Plimsoll—yourself—and Horatio Bunbury |—me. ‘Ah,’ they exclaim fondly, ‘two of our old gun- room veterans—when shall we look upon their like Then they get up and go out to lunch. ‘A month or so later the same thing occurs; once more | our names leap out from the type-written page. ‘ Brave | boys,’ they murmur, ‘ gallant lads! What should we have done without them in the dark days? They shall have their prize-money this very—why, bless my soul, if it isn’t one o clock ! es | “Surely,” pursued Bunbury earnestly, “ you ap — iate | the fine sentimental value of this one last tie? As long | as our prize-money is in the keeping of the Service we can | still think of it with intimate regard ; we can still call our- selves Beatty's boys and hide our blushes when the people | sing ‘Rule, Britannia.’ You must see that this i is the only | large-hearted way of looking at the matter.” | 1} Someone | . »)? again ? ‘Bunbury, old sailor,” I said, swallowing a lump in my throat, “you have done me good; ashamed of myself.” * * There can * no doubt that Bunbury is right. Iam so convinced of it that when next my tailor inquires anxiously what steps are being taken for the distribution of prize- money I shall put the matter to him just as Bunbury put itto me. He is certain to understi und. you have made me feel Commercial Candour. “The newest fashions are now being displayed in - | salons, so that it is an easy matter to select an entire Ww! with the minimum of ease."—Evening Paper. ’s new dress nter outht “Sir Harry Johnston's ‘The Gay Donkeys’ edition in London.’ "—Australian Magaz ine. A clear case for the $.P.C.A. (Society for the Prevention | of Cruelty to Authors). has passed its fifth ——$—$——

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, —NOVEMBER 10, 1920.

{i REPUBLICAN. /// FIL) | 7 RECTION = / fii | CHART ~~ ir } } ANGLO-SAXON WOTE: © ayasteree | GERMAN VOTE.- «¢ *3eqye hae, i a ITALIAN VOTE s" RUSSIAN_G Pou = ~ yg / Me LITHEBN AW OYE - , AN WF. y

8 2 ‘ Nin) li CLA WOE. ENCOURAGE HOME INDUSTRIES. Lonp Rovear Ceci. “I TRUST THAT AFTER ALL WE MAY SECURE AT LEAST YOUR QUALIFIED SUPPORT FOR OUR LEAGUE OF NATIONS?

—___—

uw T 9” | U.S.A. Prarstpent-Evect: “ WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH wien pets:

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Stout Gentleman (overhearing political discu WE'RE ALL IN THE SAMI AND LET ME TELL YOU _UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS. I ruink the time has come for me to follow the example of so many other people and offer to the world a few pen pictures of prominent statesmen of the day. I shall not call them “ Shav- ing Papers from Downing Street,”’ nor adopt the pseudonym of “The Man with the Hot Water (or the Morning Tea),” nor shall I roundly assert that I have been the private secretary, the , doctor, the dentist or the washerwoman ' of the great men of whom I speak. Nevertheless I have sources of informa- tion which I do not mean to disclose, except to say that heavy persons who sit down carelessly on sofas may un- knowingly inflict considerable pain, through the sharp ends of broken springs, on those beneath. I shall begin naturally with Mr. | Lioyp Grorce. There is probably no statesman of | whom such widely different estimates have been formed as the present Prime Minister of Great Britain. I have heard him compared with TuemisTocues, with | MACCHIAVELLI, with Mrraseau (I think | it was Mrrapeav, but it may have been & —_—s\ a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — [November 10, 1920, ion). * Look BOAT.” HERE, MY GOOD FELLOW-—I Politician. “ LuMME, GUV’NOR, YOU'D BETTER COME IN THE MIDDLE OF IT THEN.” one of those other people beginning with “Min French history. Almost everybody in French history began with an“ M,” like the things that were drawn by the three little girls in the well), and even with the younger Pirr. | have heard him spoken of as a charla- tan, as a chameleon, as a chatterbox, and, by a man who had hoped that the Kartser would be hanged in Piccadilly Circus, as a chouser. Almost all of these estimates are thoroughly fallaci- ous. Let us take, for instance, Mac- CHIAVELLI. It was the declared opinion of MaccHiAveui that for the establish- ment and maintenance of authority all means may be resorted to and that the worst and most treacherous acts of the ruler, however unlawful in themselves, are justified by the wickedness and treachery of the governed. Has Mr. Lioyp GrorGE ever said this? He may have thought it, of course, but has he ever said it? No. When one of Casrruccio CasTracani (unfinished, and can you wonder ?), and was very "VE BEEN naturally put to the torture in 1513, it! ished speaking. LISTENING TO YOUR MENTS ; will be seen how hopelessly the parallel with Mr. Liuoyp GreorGe breaks down. turn then to the have read somewhere of Let us Pirr I younger the younger Pirr that he cared more | for power than for measures, and was ready to sacrifice great causes which he had sincerely sympathised rather than raise an opposition that might imperil his ascendency. That is just the kind of nasty and long- winded thing that anybody might say about anybody. It was by disregarding | with ! this kind of criticism that the younger | Prrr kept on being younger. from this, does Mr. Lioyp GrorGE quote Horace in the House? Never, thank goodness. How many times did WiniiaM Pirt cross the English Chan- nel? Only once in his whole life. That settles it. The predominant note —I may almost say the keynote—of the Prime Min- ISTER’S character But apart has never been statesman before or When he rises to speak in the House all eyes are riveted on him as though with a vice until he Even when he has is rather a personal | considers that besides this dictum Mac-| magnetism such as CHIAVELLI wrote seven books on the art | exercised by any of war, a highly improper comedy, a life | after. has fin- | the Bak wh the 10, | str sh | Gr | his thi | Mi | Cel ab Ht an aaa oft Os SC” a ee ee ae ee he At

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ae ee finished they sometimes have to be removed by the Serjeant-at-Arms with ia chisel. His speeches have the moral ‘fervour and intensity of one of the Minor Prophets NaHUM or Amos, in the opinion of some critics, though I | personally incline to Maacui or Ha- \paxkuk. This personal magnetism which Mr. Luoyp GrorGeE radiates in the House he radiates no less in 10, Downing Street, where a special lradiatorium has been added to the breakfast-room toradiateit. Imaginean | April morning, a kingfisher on a woody | stream, poplar-leaves in the wind, a shower of sugar shaken suddenly from a sifter, and you have the man. It has been said that Mr. Lioyp |Grorce has quarrelled with some of | his nearest friends; but this again is a | thing that might happen to anybody. iMr. Luoyp Grorce may have had ieertain slight differences of opinion lwith Lord Norrucnirre, but what | about Henry VILL. and Wousry? and | Henry V. and J'alstaff? and Henry ILI. }and Tomas A Broker ? | Talking of Tuomas A Brecker, rather la curious story has been told to me, | which I give for what it is worth. It is stated that some time ago Mr. Liuoyp | GrorGe was so enraged by attacks in | a certain section of the Press that he | shouted suddenly, after breakfast one | morning in Downing Street, “ Will no | one rid me of this turbulent seribe?” | Whereupon four knights in his secre | tarial ‘retinue drew their swords and | Set out immediately for Printing House | Square. Fortunately there happened | to be a breakdown on the Metropolitan | Railway that day, so that nothing un- toward occurred. I sometimes think that if one can | mMagine the eloquence of SavonaROoLA | blended with the wiliness of Unyssrs | and grafted on to the strength and firm- ness of OLIverR CromWELL, we have the | best historical parallel for Mr. Lrioyp GEORGE, It ought to be remembered that the grandfather of Otiver Crom- WELL came from Wales and that the ROTECTOR is somewhere described us * Oliver Cromwell alias Williams.” Something of that old power of dis- pensing with stupid Parliamentary Opinion seems to have descended to our present Prime Minister. There 8 One difference, however. OLIVER Cromwew’s famous advice to his fol- Owers was to trust in Divine Provi- dence “and keep your powder dry.” Mr. Lioyp Grorcr puts his powder im jam, K. Our Patient Fishermen. “) . Fi Mr. ——, Jun., had another salmon on the havon Water. This is the second he has x7” ‘Ma. Ma, AVE YOU ANY MATCHES - — a — ‘fr0 “PDon’y TURN YouR ’EAD AWAY, MY LORD. WuHy, Dt nin’ THE WAR YY WAS ALL NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. The WHALE. Arr.—" The Tarpaulin Jacket.” Tue whale has a beautiful figure, Which he makes every effort to spoil, For he knows if he gets a bit bigger He increases the output of oil, That is why he insists upon swathing His person with layers of fat. You have seen a financier bathing ? Well, the whale is a little like that. At heart he’s as mild as a pigeon And extremely attached to his wife, But getting mixed up with religion Has ruined the animal's life. For in spite of his tact and discretion There is fixed in the popular mind A wholly mistaken impression ee Secured since the flood.”—Scotch Paper. That the whale is abrupt and unkind, And it’s simply because of the prophet Who got into a ship for Tarshish But was thrown (very properly) off it And swallowed alive by “a fish.” Now I should not, of course, have con- tested The material truth of the tale If the prophet himself had suggested That the fault whale. creature at was a But the prophet had no such sus- picion, And that is convincing because He was constantly in a position To see what the miscreant was. And this is what punctures the bubble, As Jonan, no doubt, was aware : “A fish" was the cause of the trouble, 3ut the whale is a mammal. So there! A. P. H. aa aan

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| « What | you ? | you the steps.’ 366 PUNCH, OR. THE LONDON CHARIVARL $e {[NovemBer 10, 1920, THE LIGHT FANTASTIC. “ DANCERS are born, not made,” John. «“ Some are born dancers,” corrected Cecilia, “ others achieve dancing.” “Well, I’m not going to have it thrust on me anyway,’ retorted John. “T never have liked dancing and I never shall. I haven't danced for years and years and I don’t intend to. I don’t know any of these new-fangled dances and I don’t want to.” “Don’t be so obstinate,” said Cecilia. you want doesn’t matter. You ’ve got to learn, so you may as well give way decently. Come along now, I'll play for you, and Margery will show said “If Margery attempts to show me the steps I shall show her the door. I won't be bullied in my own house. Why don’t you make your brother dance, if somebody must?” said John, waving his arm at me. “ Come on, Alan,” said Margery ; can't waste our time on him. show him how it’s done.” “ My dear little sister,” “we Come and I said sweet- ly, “ I should simply love it, but the fact is—I can’t.”’ “Can't,” echoed Margery. “ Why|‘ not?” “T hate to mention these things,” I explained, “ but the fact is I took part in a war that has been on recently, and I have a bad hip, honourable legacy of same.” “Oh, Alan,” said Margery, “ how can Your hip’s absolutely fit, you know it is. You haven’t mentioned it for months.” ““My dear Margery,” I said, draw- | ing myself up, “1 hope your brother | of the night knows how to suffer in silence. But if you suppose that because I don’t complain Great heavens, child, sometimes in the long silent watches “Well, how about tennis, then?” said Margery. “ You've been playing all this summer, you know you have.” “ All what summer?” I asked. “That ’s a good one,” said “T bet she can't answer that.” “ Don’t quibble,” said Margery. “ Don’t squabble,” said Cecilia. “ Yes, stop squibbling,” said John. “I’m not quabbling,” said I. John and I leaned against each other and laughed helplessly. “When you have finished,” said Ce- cilia with a cold eye, “ perhaps you will decide which of you is going to have the first lesson.” “Good heavens,” said John tragically, “haven't they forgotten the dancing yet 7 9 ” John; “We may as well give way, John,” I said; we do.” “T suppose not,” said John dismally. “Very well, then, you're her brother ; you shall have first go.” He waved me politely to Margery. “Not at all,” I said quickly. “ Brothers-in-law first in our family— always.” “Could we both come together?” asked John. “No, you can’t,” said Margery. “Then we must toss for i John, producing a coin. Tails,”’ I called. “Tails it is,” said John, walking across the room to Margery. And the lesson commenced. “we shall get no peace until T ss a. RF to the sight chainde $ to the left, two steps forward, two steps back- ward, twinkle each way is “ Five shillings’ on Twinkle, please,” I interrupted. Margery stopped and looked at me. “You keep quiet, Alan,” shouted Cecilia, cheerfully banging the piano. “T shall never learn,” said John miserably from the middle of the room, “not in a thousand years.” “Yes, you will,” encouraged Margery. ‘Just listen. Chassée to the night, chassée to the left, two steps forward, two steps back, twinkle each way— “Take away the number you first thought of,’ I suggested, “and the answer ’s the Louisiana Glide.” “To finish up,” said Margery, “ we grasp each other firmly, prance round, two bars . “ That sounds a bit better, . then waltz four bars, Margery, “and that’s all. now. They came on... . “Good,” said Margery as they finished up; “he’s doing it splendidly, Cecilia.” John beamed complacently. “T got through that last bit rather well,” he said; “pon my word, there ’s more in this dancing than I thought. I quite enjoyed that twinkling business.”’ ‘ Have another one,” I suggested. “Don't mindif Ido,” saidJohn. “May I have the pleasure?” with a courtly bow to Margery. They re- commenced. “That's right,” said Margery; “now two forward.” “I must have a natural genius for dancing,” said John, conversing easily ; “I seem to... Do we twinkle next? “Yes,” said Margery. “I seem to fall into it naturally.” “ Look out!” shrieked Margery. I don't know exactly what happened ; I rather think John got his gears mixed up in the twinkling business. At any rate, one of his feet shot up in the air, ” said John. ” continued Come on, said | he made a wild grab at nothing and tripped heavily backwards into m hearth. The piano was drowned j general uproar. John arose with difficulty from the ashes and addressed himseli haughtily to Cecilia. “T can understand that these two,” he said, waving a black but con- temptuous hand at Margery and my- self, “should scream with delight. Their whole conception of humour is | bound up with banana-skins and orange-peel. But may I ask why you should have hysterics because your husband has fallen into the fire plac e?” “*You se emed to sang naturally,’”’ I quoted in a ~ voice. “Darling,” sobbed Cecilia, “I am trying—please—if only you would take | into it so She dabbed her eyes and wept help- | lessly. walked to the door. “If you want my opinion of dane- ing,” he said bitterly, “I think it’s a low pagan habit.” ~ «* Twinkle, twinkle, little star,’” Margery. « Bah! door . sang ” said John, and banged the THE NEW UTOPIA. Suggested by Mr. J. H. THomas’s book, just out, with a Red Flag on the wrapper.] O EnGuanp, with what jo} I hail In THomas’s entrancing tale, When Labour Rules. There will be no more feudal fools ; The Kine may stay, if he behaves, When Labour rules. Workers, in Downing Street installed, Will never think of downing tools; Strikes clearly never will be called When Labour rules. The hand of brotherhood that knits At present Tom and Dick with Jules | Will be extended to good Fritz, When Labour rules. The vile capitalistic crew Of human vampires, ghouls Will vanish in the boundless blue When Labour rules. sharks Our children will be standardized In psycho-analytic schools, And brains completely equalized When Labour rules. O Paradise!- O frabjous day! When ‘neath the flag of flaming gules | When Tomas rules. The master-hand that calms and cools | Labour shall hold unchallenged sway— | that piece of soot off your nose "| John rubbed his nose quickly aa | | | } } | There will be no more serfs and slaves; | | | |

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——— Novemper 10, 1920.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL, 367 FoLLOWING oF Tu THE ENORMOUS SUCCESS Datuy Mam watT— WE LOOK To Tue Times CRAVAT— —THE CHRONICLE QUILTED BAGS— (72 “2 ™ . Det ff: An Bs ae Mar?” \ ™. y/o ee a! 7 f — &- Y a { iy MANNERS AND FORWARD ANXIOUSLY — Jue HERALD PATENT SABOTS. —TuHE TELEGRAPH COAT— | | MODES. |

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368 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— [NoveMBER 10, 1990, CENF AND THE LEACUE OF NATIONS. “Genf,” like “‘Genéve,” is the Swiss for “ Geneva.” It was selected, nearly two years ago, as the seat of the League of Nations. In a few days the League arrives; and I doubt if any person, firm, company, corporation or league, having provided itself with a seat, ever waited so long before it came and sat upon it. You will remember a learned treatise of mine in these pages on the subject of Lucerne, written in August last, when our Prime MinisTer came and sat there. I make my living by writing up the towns of Switzerland as one by one they get saton. As there are not more than half- always brimful of International Unions, Leagues, Congresses and Conferences. The lake is navigated in the season by a fleet of sizeable steamers, and one of these, a two-hundred tonner, used to call every morning of the season at the little pier outside my house to take me to business, and brought me back again every evening. By the pier rests an old, old man whose only duty in life it is to catch the hawser as it is thrown from the incoming liner. . Twice a day for four months that hawser was thrown for the old man to catch, and twice a day for four months he missed it. I spoke to him about this on the last do in similar circumstances. Stepping out of the station exit it will hurry off to its hotel. But when Leagues go to hotels they buy the darned things outright. I don’t know what they do about notices on the walls ; alter some and remove others, no doubt. The in- ternational delegates will be requested to ring once for the political expert, twice for the military expert and three times for the naval expert. If my old man gets the last-named job they will have to ring rather more than three times if they want him to come up at and discuss schemes for once read- | justing the various oceans. day, and he showed a fine courage | As to the other usual decorations of a-dozen eligible towns in Switzer- land, and as we shall have exhausted two | of them in less than half a year, the liv- ing | make is a pre- carious one; in other words I shall soon be dead. Well, well! A short lifeand a merry one, say I. You must admit a touch of subtle mer- riment in that word “ Genf.”’ To get to Geneva you provide your- self with a passport, a book of rail and steamer tickets, a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car, a ticket for a berth in the sleeping-car and a ticket for the re- hotel bedroom walls, the notice will be removed which in- | forms all concerned that the manage- ment will not be held responsible for valu- | ables, unle ss «these | be deposited in the office safe, though this will not be in- tended to indicate that the new man- agement has doubts | as to the safety even | of its own safe The “ Hotel Na- tional,”’ which is the hotel in question, was in process of complete reconstruc- tion when the pur- chase took place. A bathroom has been annexed to every room, Presumably sistration of your um every international J e The Profiteer’s Wife. “Heavens! MARGARET HAS ELOPED WITH THE CHAUFFEUR A “1 luggage. In short, ; oes delegate will have a by the time you are eae ite allotted to hi Dy ~ me y wep The Profiteer.“ Wuar! Nor rue new Rouis-Roycr?” suite « ch oe in France you will nation. The question have had pass through your hands one| which nothing can depress. Next} 1 ask myself is this, Will he put himself passport and eleven tickets; and the first thing you will doupon settling down into the French train is to compete and intrigue to get a twelfth ticket for your lunch. You will find that this useless ticket will follow you all the way to Geneva and will always assert itself when you are accosted by a ticket in- spector. I even know a traveller who arrived eventually at the Swiss frontier with no other paper of identity or justi- fication; for a passport which should have given his name, address, motive for travelling, shape of mouth, size of nose and any other peculiarities, he could only tender documentary evidence of his having eaten the nineteenth lunch of the first series of the day before. Two things catch the eye about Geneva. In the first place it is on a lake, and in the second place it is season he means to try again. naval expert to the League. Turning from the lake to the in- ternational delegates, who abound in Geneva, it is to be noted that the last lot here were the International Congress of Leagues of Women. agendum was to pronounce their com- plete independence of men. One of these delegates went for a row on the lake and fell in. again by a man. rr ° . | . ° Their main} out in the corridor. As he}in the room and his secretaries in the will be out of a job in the interval I am | bathroom, or himself in the bat! plotting to secure for him the post of | and the secretaries in the room | the answer I make to myself is room And is fol- lows: The delegate will appoint the | room to be his room and the bathroom |to be his bathrfom and will leave his things secretaries to make the best of The suggestion }you will probably make is that there are more suites of rooms than nations; 'that I must leave you to work out for ‘ She was pulled out | | 1s ascertainable, but no one seems able yourself. The number of suites of rooms You will find that Geneva was nomi-| to inform me how many nations there nated as the seat of the League in the}! are. Personally every time I pick up Peace Treaty of Versailles. Ever since, |a newspaper I seem to discover a new the people of Geneva have been busy con- jecturing what the League of Nations will do upon its arrival in Geneva. | one. However that may be, the nations are now all formed into their League, It} and may the best one win the Cup will do exactly what you and I would} Final, say I! F. ( ). L.

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—— Don't ‘¢ look luvly in “iS Unifernc? } e : a : } do like, a play wiv = : foe ea bil of fiohiin m if Cam) e* i ¢- re Take is bhiakuw vVame, / 5 Ss 3 - aon; oer ' : Sergeant, g iS ‘aw cul Dhinkin’ | FOR THE CHILDREN. Mr. Punch comes once more, hat in hand, to beg for help ma good cause. This time he asks the generous aid of his readers on behalf of the Victoria Home at Margate, of which er Majesty the QuEEN is Patroness. This Home cares for invalid children, from very little ones of only a few months old, to boys of twelve years and girls of fifteen. stay, on an average, for the best part of a year, during Which they receive careful medical attention, and have all their needs tended, body and mind. Many of them have | lost a leg or an arm and nearly all have some bandaged November 10, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION. There is room for between fifty and sixty of them and they | not Gom fe Makes yer Feel all — ies Shiveryke wher ‘e cd Waves ‘is Sword an’ llimb, yet, with these disabilities, they contrive to learn the duties of a loyal Scout and are very proud of their uniform. The cost of drugs, of surgical dressings and all house-keep- ing necessaries has risen enormously and the Home is compelled to plead for further help. Mr. Punch invites his readers to send for a report and see for themselves the very touching pictures which it gives, in an admirable set of photographs, of the life of these children in their happy surroundings. All communications and gifts should be addressed to the Secretary of the Victoria Home for Invalid Children, at 75, Denison House, Vauxhall Bridge Road, S.W.

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} 1 | / | | / | —

370 PUNCH, OR

. wo > ‘ . ’ } |} number of quires of “returns” of last week's Pu esherls | Gazette. It is insignificant. * * * An analy sis of the miners’ votes in the Lancashire « ) ilfield proves that there were as many men in favour of rejecting The Chowbent and Che querbent Chronicle. It is ma * * It is estimated that, if three more distinguished stat }and another woman of letters can be prevailed upon to write | piquant reviews of Mrs. AsqurrH's autobiography, the sale | of the work will probably greatly exceed the numbers of }copies of the latest Blue Book issued by H.M. Stationery | Office. It is unthinkable. * * & It is confidently expected that, if the protests against a certain cinema plot can be sustained for a few days longer, }as many people will go to see the show in the first week as there are feet in the film—without counting those who will sneak round for a free view of ‘The Stage Door of the Diadem Theatre.” ficent smen

It is good business.

“An ex-Army officer was charged with stealing cooks valued at 51/- from Messrs. ——'s,”—Sunday Paper.

At that price they must have been very plain cooks. the Government proposals as would have provided ten readers | | for each copy sold (not merely printed) of the last issue of | |

| ||

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—_—_— a Rn = me: . - SRE RT tC er eoentarn=samearee — PU NCH, OR, THE | LONDON Cc HARLY. ARI.—N i It a H ii aul if mt | 4 Ee Ny Ai Ms i) Gy OV EMBER 10, 1920. THE SHRINE OF HONOUR. “WHO GOES THERE?” “T HAVE NO NAME. I DIED FOR MY COUNTRY.” “PASS, UNKNOWN WARRIOR.”

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( \) @ seBSee8R88 -"- “2325 ES SPRESESZEBESE 3 2E5 Renee ye, 4 YY RBe@esaeksstke BOSMOE ESE SH ARO SZS.8 BOS Saas 4 p ’ ? RARER tr De Hes or EMOREAU MA rN T ATE NR AREAERSR I ARC ERROR NM a A nant AAR Ge MN a

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—_— November 10, 1920.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 373 —_——— ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, November 1st.—In response to a renewed demand for the Admir- alty’s account of the Battle of Jutland the Prime Minister made the remark- able statement that it was very difficult | to get “an official and impartial ac- ' count,” but he added that the Govern- 'ment were willing to publish all the | reports and despatches on the subject 'and leave the public to judge. ' | Who shall decide, when Admirals disagree ? Why, Junian Consett, or the great B.P, | Owing to the unexpectedly rapid | passage through Committee of the | Government of Ireland Bill last Friday, the way was cleared for a number of | British measures. Although dealing with the most diverse subjects they | were alike in one respect—without ex- jeeption they incurred the hostility of iSir F. Bansury. Whether it was a | proposal to reduce the dangers of em- | ploying women in lead processes or to 'give married women in Scotland the | same privileges as their English sisters (including the duty of supporting an | indigent husband), or to hold an Em- | pire Exhibition, or to set up Juvenile | Courts, the hon. baronet found reason | | for opposing them all. | Once or twice he secured the support of Sir Jonn Rees, but for the most | part he was Athanasius contra mundum, | Inaintaining his equanimity even when | Mr. Hoce advised him to “marry a “ATHANASIUS CONTRA Ml INDUM.” Sr Freperick Bansvury, Scotswoman,” or Lad y Astor expressed ier regret that he had not women, in- stead of bankers, for his constituents. The Government had no reason to efforts every Bill went through. striking thing in Lord **No supporter of Mr. Asquiru.” Lorp LOREBURN, ithat he was “no supporter of Mr. AsQvul rH. He endorsed, however, his former chief's demand for an inde- | pendent inquiry into the reprisals, but | his motion was defeated by 44 to 13. | Ever since Sir W. Joynson-Hicks | defeated Mr. CoHuRcHILL at Manchester lhe has felt it his duty to keep on his ltrack. Convinced that our policy in Mesopotamia 1s due to the War Miy- ISTER'S megalomania he is most anxious to bring him to book. The prospect of a Supplementary Estimate for the Army seemed likely to furnish the desired occasion. But when he pressed Mr. CHURCHILL on the subject the alleged spendthrift airily replied that there was no hurry; “I do not immediately re- quire money.” 74d The gloom of the daily Irish cate- chism was a little brightened by an interchange of pleasantries between Mr. Stanton and Mr. Jack Jones. On this occasion the latter had rather the best of it. ‘ Golliwog!” he shouted in allusion to his opponent's luxuriant chevelure. Mr. Stanton could think of no better retort than the stereotyped «“ Bolshie!”’ and when Mr. Jones re- joined with “ You ought to be put into Madame Tussaud’s"’ Mr. STANTON was reduced to silence. But is it not a scandal that these entertaining come- dians should only get four hundred a year? ‘On the Agriculture Bill Sir A. Grir- aaa complain of his activity, which may indeed have prevented the intrusion of more dangerous critics; for despite his | Board for Wales. Tuesday, November 2nd.—The most FITH- Boscawen was faced with an urgent demand for a separate Wages First he wouldn't; it would be “an exceedingly inconvenient and expensive arrangement.” But the LorEesurn'’s| Welshmen were so insistent that he speech upon lrish affairs seemed to me changed his mind,and when the vigilant to be his uncompromising declaration | Sir FREDERICK BANBURY challenged the new clause on the ground that it would impose a fresh charge on the Exchequer Sir ARTHUR was able to convince the SPEAKER that, though there would be “additional expenditure,” there would be no “fresh charge.’ Such are the nice distinctions of our Parliamentary system. 4 Wednesday, Nove mbe) 3rd,— When Mr. CuvRCHILL, some sixteen years ago, crossed the floor of the House, his manc@uvre was regarded as a portent, and men talked of “a sinking ship.” It cannot be said that Lord Henry BentTINCK’s sudden appearance among like the same sensation, even though he was joined a little later by Mr. OswaLp Mostry. Lord Henry has always de- rived his political opinions rather from | his heart than his head, and has lately | developed a habit of firing explosive | Questions at Ministers from his eyrie behind their backs. They will probably find his frontalattacks lessdisconcerting. aw W he, “OLD GOLLIWOG.” Mr. C. B. Stanton (As viewed by Mr. JACK JONES), While Lord Henry was in the House, off and on, for thirty-four years before discovering that he was on the wrong side, Mr. Mosuey has made the same dis- the Labour Members created anything | aerate aumpenr neste ee aoe ae eee astnner mer seinen one ene

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374 PUNC H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ees [Novemuer 10, 1990, covery after an experience of barely as many weeks. From his new perch he inquired this afternoon if Government cement was being sent abroad, to the detriment of British builders. Dr. Appison contented himself with pro- | fessing ignorance of any such transac- | tion. A less serious Minister might have replied that the Government needed all their cement to mend the cracks in the Coalition. News that the coal-strike was over reached the House during the evening. Mr. BripGeMan, always cautious, “ un- derstood” that the men had _ been “recommended” to go back to work. Mr. Apamson, fresh from the Confer- ence, was much more downright. “The strike,” he said, “ has been declared off, and the men return to work.” So that ’s that. Thursday, November 4th. — Lord Sauts- BURY’s complaint that the Government’s pol- icy in Egypt was shrouded in morethan Egyptian darkness brought a spirited re- ply from Lord Cur- zONn, Who declared that every stage in the ne- gotiations had been fully revealed in the Press. If no definite decision as to the fu- ture government of the country had been published that was simply because the Cabinet had not yet had time to make up its collective mind. Judging by Lord Mut- | NER'S subsequent ac- | count of his Mission, it would appear that | the process will be long and stormy. |The Mission went to Cairo to sound | the feeling of the Nationalists, but for | all practical purposes they might as | well have stopped in London, where they ultimately interviewed ZAaGHLUL Pasna and his colleagues, and obtained information which materially altered and softened their previous views. The | best Nationalists were not anti-British, | but simply pro-Egyptian. Lord Mi.- NER’S final appeal, that his piece should not be hissed off the stage before it had been heard, sounded a little ominous. Mr. L’Estrrancr MAvLons is not very popular in the House of Commons just now. When he rose to address a “ Sup- plementary ” to the War Minister he was so persistently “ boo-ed”’ that the SPEAKER had to intervene to secure him a hearing. Mr. Lowrner probably repented his kindness when it appeared that Mr. Matong had nothing more urgent to say than that Mr. CaurcHILL would be better employed in looking after the troops in Ireland than in re- viewing books for The Daily Mail. For the third day in succession Mr. T. P. O'Connor essayed to move the adjournment in order to call attention to what he called “the policy of fright- fulness” in Ireland. This time the SPEAKER accepted the motion, but the ensuing debate was of the usual incon- clusive kind. Mr. DEVLIN gave another exhibition of stage-fury. He objected to the word “ reprisals ” being used for the “infamies”’ going on in Ireland, declared that the Government were responsible for all the murders and pro- phesied that the present Carer Secre- A wh, a “Old Mother Goose was delighted when she saw what a fine bird her son had provided her with.” Waves anp Sim A. GrirritH-Boscawen, | rary, “with all his outward appearance |of great masculinity,” would fail, as | BaLrour and CromwetLt—the House enjoyed this concatenation—had failed before him. In points of detail Sir Hamar GReen- woop conceded a little more to his critics than on some former occasions. He undertook to consider whether the Government should compensate the owners of creameries or_other property | wrongfully destroyed ; and he admitted | that some constables had exceeded their duty, nine of them being actually under arrest on various charges. But on the main point he was adamant. Quoting the remark of a police-sergeant at Tralee, “They have declared war upon us and I suppose war it must be,” the Carer SECRETARY said in his most emphatic tones, ‘ War it will be until assassina- tion stops.” — LS STUTTFIELD AND THE REDS. Stuttfield was nothing of a Neno. He would never have fiddled while Rome burned. He would have been more likely to imagine that Rome was burning when there was really nothing more going on than a bonfire. He is one more example of the pernicious influence of sensational literature upon a nervous temperament. It all began through Stuttfield find- ing a copy of The Daily Blast in a rail- way carriage last June. This journal is printed on white paper, but the ten- dency of its contents is ruddy—that is to say, it has “ Red” leanings a revelation to Stuttfield « Are people allowed to say such things?” he asked me in horro1 “ My dear fellow, no | one takes it seriously,” | It was I said. “Don't you |} worry.’ vie But Stuttfield did worry. The Daily | Blast had the same effect upon him asa snake has upon a rab- | bit; it terrified him, yet he could not run away from it. In fact he became a regular subseriber and con- | tinued so despite some | rumours that 16 Was supported financially by the Rougetanians rumours which re- quired, and received, | a great deal of ex- | planation. Then, through the offices of his man-ser- | vant, he obtained a} copy of T) é Volcano. The Volcano appears to be in advance of The Daily Blast in its ideals, and im- | mensely so in their expression. But here again I assured Stuttfield that no | one took them seriously. “ I don’t sup- | pose they take themselves seriously,” | [ assured him. “They want to sell | The Volcano, that’s all.” “ Yes,” said Stutttield, “ but they do sell it, and people read it.” | ‘I expect the circulation’s about | two thousand a week,” I said consol- | ingly. But Stuttfield, as I could see, | was not consoled. I met him at intervals after that, | and on each occasion he seemed to be | more obsessed with the notion that | the “ Reds” would overwhelm us all | shortly. “ Russia is Red,” he whispered ; he always whispers now for fear of bemg overheard by a Red agent, though | nes eg"s & tee Gun tn i, Die

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November 10, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, there was not very much risk of that in St. James’s Street. “And what about India and China?” “Red, black and yellow—the Zingari colours,” I said ribaldly, and Stuttfield left me in disgust. Then I heard from a friend that he had sold his cottage at Redhill. This was a bad sign, and I went to see him. I found him much worse. “You've taken an overdose of The Volcano,” I said. He seized my arm with trembling fingers. “The Red Revolution is upon us,” he hissed. Ilaughed. “Don’t you worry about the Red Revolution. You come out to lunch.” He would hardly be persuaded. Clubs and restaurants would be attacked first, he thought. If we lunched together it | had better be in an eating-house in Ber- mondsey. ‘I have a disguise,’’ he said, and disclosed a complete proletarian outfit. “Well, I[haven’t,” Isaid. ‘“ Not that these clothes of mine will lead anyone to mistake me for a capitalist. But, so | far as lunch goes, hadn’t we better be | killed by a Red bomb at the Fitz than by tripe in Bermondsey ?”’ Stuttfield could not but admit the | sense of this, so we started out. It is widely recognised that Flag) Days, however admirable their objects, have been a little overdone. But it was | sheer bad luck that brought Stuttfield | face to face with a flag-seller just as we | were entering the Fitz. She came at| him with a determined aspect and began “The Red Cr——” It was enough. Poor Stuttfield was across the pavement and into a taxi before I could stop him. There was nothing for me to do but follow him. “Where are we going?” I asked. “Waterloo,” he answered through blanched lips. I could get nothing more from him. At Waterloo he sprang out, leaving | me to pay the cab, and disappeared into the station. I followed as quickly as | could, but he was nowhere to be seen. “ Where would he go to hide from the Reds?” I asked myself. Suddenly | had an idea about his destination. I was right. In the foremost carriage Ifound him. I tried to persuade him to come out, but he clung to the rack. So I left him. I have not seen him since. I hope he feels safe in the Isle of Wight. | “You can burn your slack cook in oven in our ——— Grate.”—Advt. in Daily Paper. But now that the coal strike is over we shall try to put up with our cook a ~~ Sos RS > Nowe al SSS Ss awe SAAS GA Our Reverend Spoonerist (calling at the Deanery). “Is THE BEAN DIZzy¥ a ee FLO i : pl) - ATSMt Le 9” little longer. Nitiientictensnetesmtisiis “ WALLASEY’S LOW FIGURE. Poputation Jump—From 21,192 ro 99,493 in 28 Days.” Liverpool Paper. We do not know why this should be described as a “low figure.” To us it seems remarkably good going. “The weather forecast for Sheffield and district for the next twenty-four years 1s as follows :— Wind southerly, light, freshening later; cloudy or overcast ; probably some rain later ; visibility indifferent to fair; mild.” Yorkshire Paper. It is hoped however that some improve- ment may be shown in 1945. Puck’s Record Eclipsed. “ For five minutes I was in the Mercantile Marine and the Navy. During these five minutes I made a complete circuit of the globe.”—Letter in Welsh Paper. “The pruning-fork is being applied in order to bring the staff within the capacity of the accommodation.” —Proviucial Paper. After which harmony will be restored by means of the tuning-knife. “It did one good, on entering the Queen’s Hall last night, to find every seat in the building, even to those at the back of the restrum, occupied by the London Symphony Orchestra.” —Evening Paper. An audience is often so distracting.

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Client. “OH, THAT MUST BI THE MOTHER-IN-LAW MYSTERY. In a provincial paper I find the fol- lowing passage : *“ Counsel stated that the was in court. Later he that he had made a m oner’s mother-in-law. A general laugh through out the court followed correction,’ ” prisoner’s mother informed the Judg stake ; t was the pris lth We have here in a nutshell the case for traditional communal humour, and once again we are set to wondering why except possibly to allay some whim- sical twinges of self-respect—drama- tists ever try to invent new jokes > t all. Even more are we set to wondering why this particular joke never fails. In the present case the injustice done to an honourable class of women lovers with their loves (for that is how these relationships begin) — was the greater because no doubt, when the laughter had subsided a little, every eye sought for the lady in question. Nor- mally we have not the opportunity of visualising the butt at all. It is enough that she should be mentioned. Nor would any grotesque details in her cos- tume or physiognomy make the joke appreciably better. It requires no such assistance; it is rich enough without them ; to possess a married daughter is all that is necessary to cause gusts of joyful mirth. | | | Fortune-Teller (to client), “A DARK MAN ’ asking her to sta -that is to say, those who provide | [Ek LONDON CHARIVARL, [November 10, 1920, I } E: HAS BEEN HOVERING ABOUT YOUR PATH FOR THE LAST MONTH,” | THE AGENT WHO’S BEEN WORRYING ME TO INSURE MY LIFE,” ai “ae } f: ly , That it is not the lady herself who|discovery that, whereas the humour lis funny could——no matter how Gothic that surrounds and saturates the idea |her figure | il relative } ; j +4 ac | by pia in ng laugh- tal be proved in a moment |of a wife possessing a mater? the witness-box and | is inexhaustible, there is n her relationship to|able about the mother She would say,“ I} A wife can talk of her hus s mother lam her mother,’ and nothing would | all day and never have the reputation | happen. gut if the question were, | of wit, whereas her | | “What is your relationship to the pris-|but to mention her mothe: joner?”’ and she replied, “I am_ his|the rival of the Robeys. | mother-in-law,” si As for fathers-in-law, low comedians would starve if they had to depend on g her i ) te isband, | ithe prisoner's wife. ban a has d he is | lusband des would split. Simi larly one can imagine that if the hus- |band’s reply to the counsel's question, |the help that fathers-in-law give them. “ Who was with you?” had been, “ My! Fathers-in-law do not Nor do wife was with me,” there would have |brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law, except | been no risible reaction whatever; but |as facts; but the joke is that they can | if the reply had been,“ My wife's mother|be far more interfering (interference }was with n the place would have|being at the root of the matter, 1 take Of course the true|it) than anyone in the world. It 1s artist in effect would never say, “ My {the brother-in-law who knows of ab- wife’s mother,” but “ My mother-in- | solutely safe gilt-edged investments jlaw.” Itis the “in-law” ; s to be exquisitely a eXist ie,” been convulsed. | | that is so|(which rarely sueceed), and ha using and irresistible. | helped while waiting for something to But both would be the same person :|turn up; it is the sister-in-law who is the gravest thing on earth, it might be, | so firmly convinced that dear Clara inevery other respect—even sad anddig- (her brother's wife) is spoiling the chil- nified but ludicrous because her daugh- | dren. But both escape; while many ter happened to have found a husband. really charming old ladies, whom To inquire why the bare mention of | their sons-in-law are devoted, continue the mother of a man’s wife should|to be riddled by the world’s satirical excite merriment is to find oneself in-| bullets. | What is to be done about it? Nothing. Only the destruction of the institution of marriage could affect it. E. V. L. m to stantly deep in sociology—and in some of its seamiest strata too. While ex-| ploring them one would make the o al

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Novemper 10, 1920.} —_— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON — —_ MY APOLOGIA. (Lines accidentally omitted from a notorious volume of Memoirs.) Ir life is dull and day by day } I see that wittier, wiser | England where I was wont to play (Being as bold as I was gay) Keep passing rapidly away all through the German Kaiser ; If caste declines and Vandals Go practically everywhere From Cavendish to Berkeley Square, And dowdy frumps without the “air” Monopolise the scandals ; There is but one thing left to do— | And what’s a sporting flutter worth / Unless one takes a risk or two ?— '“J'll shock the world,” “anew,” And (ultimately) did so through | The firm of TxHornron Butter WORTH. | Two worlds indeed. The mighty West | | Poured out her untold money | To gaze upon my palimpsest ; : I think that Codex A was best, | But parts of this have been suppressed ; | Publishers are so funny. And now rings In well-bred speech and argot ; | At mild suburban tea-makings my fame through London |The postman knocks, and poor dear | things Tear wildly at the parcel-strings When Mupie gives them Marcor. | Pressmen have tried to make a lot Out of a certain instance | Of mild misstatement as to what | Happened in 1914. Rot! All I can say is that my plot | Hasmuch more verve than Winston's. Well, never mind. The work is done; | People who do not need it | The wit, the fire, the force, the fun, | The pathos—let them simply shun | This frightful book, shout “Shame ! and run; Nobody 's forced to read it. a aS ae Evor. NOMEN, OMEN. (By our Medical Correspondent.) No one who is interested in the possibilities of psycho-therapy can view Without serious misgiving recent ten- cies In artistic nomenclature. Some of us are old enough to remember when trend was in the direction of talianisation; when Foumy became ignor Four; Campsenn., CAMPOBELLO, and an American from Brooklyn was tta:'sfsrmed into Broccotrs1. The Vogue of alien aliases has passed, but it may return, and it is to guard against nn If Souls” are not the things they were, | I thought, | CHARIVARL Palit ] aa Dentist (after preliminary wrspection). YOUR TEETH ONLY HALF STOPPED.” Patient A GOOD LICK IN T Jaw.” the formidable and deleterious results of its recrudescence that the following sug- gestions are propounded, not merely in the interests of Gongorism or of an intensive cultivation of syneretic euphuism, but in accordance with the most approved conclusions of psycho- analytic research. It may be urged—and the objection is natural—that there can be little danger of a relapse in view of the heroic and patriotic adhesion of some of our most distinguished artists to their homely patronymics. No doubt the noble example of Cxara Burr and Carrie Tus is fortifying and reassur- ing, and there are also clamant proofs that denationalisation is no passport to eminence. But it would be foolish ‘ |e XTRAORDINARY “AH, THAT WERE T’OOTHER DENTIST. Corl QE THERE 'S Fe Sallis My % rHING ONE OF T’ LAAD 'URT ME, SO AH GAVE "IM to overlook the existence of powerful influences operating in an antipodal direction. 1 confess to a feeling ap- proaching to dismay when I study the advertisement columns of the daily papers and note the recurrence, in the announcements of impending concerts, of names of a strangely outlandish and exotic form. In a single issue I have encountered Krish, ArrAv, Kouns and Dina Gitty. The Christian names of some of these eminent performers are equally momentous and perturbing, ¢.g., Jascua, Korza and Urr. My grounds for perturbation are not imaginary or based on the hallueina- tions of a hypersensitive mind. They are prompted and justified by the notorious facts, established by the ee en etc ereanonensceaniouavesanieneaieain eee ASCOT GE DNA A INE i hil na Da acme lea i sauattttensigs eaneeiastinamannnidaiieieninncini

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378 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [November 10, 1990 leading psycho-analysts, that, just as mellifluous and melodious names exer- cise a mollifying influence on the ac- tivities of the sub-conscious self, so the possession or choice of strange or fer- ocious appellations incites the bearer, if I may be permitted to use so common- place a term, to live up to his label. It is therefore with all the force at my command that I entreat and implore singers, players and dancers to think, not once but twice or thrice, before they yield to the fascination of the unfamiliar and adopt artistic pseudonyms caleu- lated to intensify the “urges” of their primitive instincts. It is not too much to say that a singer who deliberately assumes the name of Pongo, Og or Botuloffsky runs a serious risk, in vir- tue of the inherent magic of names, of developing qualities wholly unfitted for the atmosphere of a well-conducted concert-hall. I believe that the question of estab- lishing a censorship of artists’ names has been seriously considered by Dr. AppIson, in view of its bearing on pub- lic hygiene, and that he estimates the cost of staffing the new department as not likely to exceed seven hundred and fifty thousand pounds a year. Still, in these days when State economy is so needful, 1t would be better if the desired effect were attained by the pressure of enlightened public opinion rather than by the operations of even so inexpensive a department as that contemplated by the Minister or Hearn. IN FLANDERS FIELDS. THEsE famous verses, which origin- ally appeared in Punch, December Sth, 1915, being the work of a Canadian officer, Lieut.-Colonel McCrar, who fell in the War, have been subjected to so many perversions—the latest in a letter to The Times from a Minister of the Crown, where the closing lines are misquoted as follows: “Tf ye break faith with those of us who died, We shall not sleep, though poppies bloom in fields of France ’’- that Mr. Punch thinks it would be well to reproduce them in their correct form :— In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below, We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now we lie In Flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from failing hands we throw The torch ; be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow In Flanders fields. AT THE PLAY. “ Pepora.”’ Ir may or may not be well that the War has modified our estimate of the value of life; but it is a bad thing for the legitimate drama. And in the case of Fédora the bloody régime of Lents has so paled our memory of the terrors of Nihilism that Sarpovu’s play seems almost further away from us than the tragedy of Agamemnon. In our callous incapacity to be thrilled by the ancient horrors of forty years ago we fall back on the satisfaction to be got out of the author's dexterity in the mechanics of his craft. And here the critic’s judgment is also apt to be more cold-blooded. He recog- nises the crude improbability of certain details which are essential to the tragic development of the play. The death of Count Vladimir (accented on the first or second syllable according to the tempo- rary emotion of the speaker) was due to the discovery of a letter in an unlocked drawer where it could never possibly have been thrown, being an extremely private letter of assignation. The death of Fédora, again, was the direct result of | a letter which she despatched to Peters- | burg denouncing & man who proved, in | the light of fresh facts learned a few i}minutes later, to be the last (or last but one) that she would wish to injure. ‘It is incredible that she should not have hastened to send a second letter withdrawing her charge; “ instead of which” she goes casually off on a honeymoon with his brother, and ap- parently never gives another thought to the matter till it is fatally too late. However, 1 am not really concerned at this time of day with the improba- bilities of so well-established a tragedy, but only with the most recent interpre- tation of it. And let me say at once that, for the best of reasons, I do not propose to compete with the erudition of my fellow-critics in the matter of previous interpreters, for I bring a virgin mind tc my consideration of the merits of the present cast. Fédora is the most exhausting test to which Miss Marre Lour has yet put her talent. The heroine’s emotions are worked at top-pressure almost through- out the play. At the very start she is torn with passionate grief for the death of her lover and a still more passionate desire to take vengeance on the man who killed him. When she learns the unworthiness of the one and the justifi- cation of the other those emotions are instantly exchanged for a passionate worship of the late object of her ven- geance, to be followed by bitter remorse for the harm she has done him and terror of the consequences when he comes to know the truth. And so to suicide. I will confess that I was astonished at the power with which Miss Line met these exigent demands upon her emotional forces. It was indeed a re- markable performance. My only re- servation is that in one passage she Was too anxious to convey to the audience the intensity of her remorse, when it was a first necessity that she should conceal it from the other actor on the stage. It was nice and loyal of Mr. Bast, RatHRone to behave as if he didn’t notice anything unusual, but it must have been as patent to him as to us. Of his Loris I cannot say too much in admiration. At first Mr. Rarasone seemed a little stiff in his admirably- fitting dress-clothes, but in the last scene he moyed through those swift changes of emotion—from joy to grief, from rage to pity and the final anguish and horror—with extraordinary imag- ination and resource. Of the others, Mr. Auuan Aynezs- worTtH, as Jean de Siriex, played in a quiet and assured undertone that served to correct the rather expansive methods of Miss Exuis Jrerrreys, whose humour, always delightful, af- forded a little more relief perhaps consistent with the designs and her own dignity as a great lady in the person of the Countess Olga. O.5. Lhan Was hom authors A Matinée in aid of the Great Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Children will be given at the Garrick Theatre on Wednesday, November 17th, at 2.30, when a comedy by Mr. Louis N. Parker will be presented, entitled, Pomander Walk (period 1805). It is hoped that at the Alhambra Matinée on November 16th one thou- sand pounds will be raised to complete the special pension fund for actors, which is to be a tribute of affection to the memory of Mr. SypNrY VALENTINE, who, in the words of Mr. McK«ynet, “did more for the rank and file of the theatrical profession than any actor, living or dead.” ‘‘The Dog it was who Died.” “At Dovey Board of Conservators at 3armouth it was decided to ask Major Dd. Davies to hunt the district with his otter hounds, and failing this the water bailiffs themselves should attempt to stamp them out.”— Welsh Paper. Major Dp. Davies’ answer is not known to us, but we assume that he said, «“ Well, I’m Dd.” “Royal Surrey Theatre. Grand Opera To-night, 8, Cav. and Pag.”—Daily Paper. More evidence of the paper-shortage. ree a wt 2. & abs Oe

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Se ———_____—_—_—_- November 10, 1920.| ——————— Ee ose tenetinas ——— oa a

<— Affluent Sportsman (after a long blank draw). “Now 1 ner yor Friend, “Dow’r vot

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (Dy Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) I do not think that even the most phlegmatic of English- men could read Francis and Riversdale Grenfell: a Memou (NELson) without a quickening of the pulses. This is not to suggest that Mr. Jonn Bucuan has sought to make an emotional appeal—indeed he has told the tale of these devoted brothers with a simplicity beyoud praise—but it is a tale so fine that it must fill the heart, even of those who were strangers to them, with joy and pride. I beg you to real the memoir for yourselves, and see how and why it was that these twin brothers, from Eton onwards, radiated cheerfulness and a happy keenness wherever they went. “Neither,” Mr. BucHan writes, “could be angry for long, and neither was capable of harshness or rancour. Their endearing grace of manner made a pleasant warmth in any society which they entered ; and since this gentleness was jomed to a perpetual glow of enthusiasm the effect was triumphant. One’s recollection was of something lithe, alert, eager, like a finely-bred greyhound.” Those of us who were not personally acquainted with Francis and RiverspDaLe GRENFELL will, after reading this Memoir and the Preface by their uncle, Field-Marshal Lord GRENFELL, seem to know them intimately. Francis won the first V.C. gained in the War, but when he read the announce- ment of it in The Gazette his brother was already killed and his joy of life was quenched. ‘I feel,” he wrote to his uncle, “that I know so many who have done and are omg so much more than I have been able to do for England. I also feel very strongly that any honour

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON (

mu ; VN W THINK WE MIGHT MAKE A CERTAINTY OF It IF I Lit ONE TOO?” j

Sees hoc ais . SS WS § DAAM CY OL E’LL FIND AS SOON AS | LIGHT ONE OF MY HALF-DOLLAR CIGARS.”

In that spirit he met his death a few months later. In work and sport, in war or peace, the twins were ardent, generous and brave, jand their deaths were as glorious as their lives were gracious and radiant. The profits of Mr. Bucwan’s book are to be devoted to the funds of the Invalid Children’s Aid Association, in which the brothers were deeply interested. There are certain tasks which, like virtue, carry their reward with them. No doubt Miss ELeanour Sincuarr {0HDE would be gratified if her book, A Garden of Herbs (Lee Warner), were to pass into several editions—as | trust it will—and receive commendation on every hand—as it surely must—but such results would be irrelevancies. She has already, I am convinced, tasted so much delight in the making of this, the most fragrant book that I ever read, in her delving and selecting, that nothing else matters. Not only is the book fragrant from cover to cover, but it is practical too. It tells us how our ancestors of not so many generations ago—in Stuart times chiefly—went to the herb garden as we go to the chemist’s and the perfumer’s and the spice-box, and gave that part of the demesne much of the honour which we reserve for the rock-garden, the herb- aceous borders and the pergola. And no wonder, when from the herbs that grow there you can make so many of the |

lenitives of life—from elecampane a sovran tonic, and from purslane an assured appetiser, and from marjoram a pungent tea, and from wood-sorrel a wholesome water- gruel, and from gillyflowers “‘ a comfortable cordial to cheer the heart,” and from thyme an eye-lotion that will “enable one to see the fairies.” Miss Roxpe tells us all, inter-

a nisl einai icine ca cbin ita asian aR Tt A RCA AA ALLA AA AAA AT

Amman OAM AM pneu

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380 PUNCH, OR THE mingling her information with mottoes from old writers and new. Sometimes she even tells too much, for, though she says nothing as to how lovage got its pretty name, we are told that “lovage should be sown in March in any good garden soil.” Did we need to be told that? Is it nota rule of life? “In the Spring a young man’s fancy * To my mind, amongst the least forgettable books of the — year will be that to which Mr. Seron Gorvon, F.Z.5., 1a8 given the title of The Land of the Hills and the Glens (Cassevi). Mr. Gorvon has already a considerable repu tation as a chronicler of the birds and beasts (especially the less approachable birds) of his native Highlands. The present volume is chiefly the result of spare-moment activities during his service as coast-watcher among the Hebrides. Despite its unpropitious title, [ must describe it without hyperbole as a production of wonder and delight. Of its forty-eight photographic illustrations not one is short of amazing. We are become used to fine achievement in this kind, but I am in-f clined tothink Mr. Gorpon goes one better, both in the “atmosphere” of his mountain pictures and in his studies of birds at home upon their nests. To judge, indeed, by the unruffled domesticity of these latter, one would suppose Mr. Gorpon to have been regarded less as the prying ornithologist than as the trusted family photographer. I except the golden eagle, last of European autocrats, whose greeting appears always as @ super-imperial scowl. Chiefly these happy results seem to have been due to a triumph of patient cam- ouflage, concerning which the author suggests the | #4442. interesting theory that birds do not count beyond LONDON CHARIVARI. MARTYRS OF SCIENCE :—THE INVENTOR OF TOFFER. [Novemper 10, 1920, iconoclastic, almost violently individual. Plot, I fancy sel. dom troubles Mr. Douaas greatly ; it happens, or it Anas not. Meanwhile he is far more concerned in fitting a double meaning (at least) to the most simple-sounding phrase. To | sum up, They Went is perhaps not for idle, certainly not for unintelligent, reading ; for those who can appreciate cord in a strange guise it will provide a feast of unfamiliar flavours that may well create an appetite for more That clever writer, Mr. A. P. Herpert, would lightly describe his story, The House by the River (Mernuvy N), as a “shocker.” But there are ways and ways of shocking. | He might wish to show us the embarrassments of a fairly respectable member of the intellectual classes, living in a highly respectable environment, when he finds that he has | committed homicide ; and he might make the details as grue some as he liked. But there was no need to shock the sensitive when he made his choice of the circumstances in which the poet, Stephen Byrne, inadvertently throttles . ; ————————— his housemaid. It is a| tj) | fault, too, that his scheme = s only interests him so faa t ZKt | as it concerns Sty phen and \\ 5 aes = \ |his society, and that the - = Ne | horror of the tragedy from : what one may loosely call 7” the victim's point of view does not seem to affect him at all. Otherwise, « jeven for the sake of brey ? | ity, he could not so flip = pantly refer to the hody, | ~ ¢) | Sewn in asack and thrown | ‘eo Be. - jinto the river, as just doc” |‘ Eliza.” He may argue hea? that he never thought of | —~- *« | the corpse as a real one | SS and that the whole thing pat] was merely an experiment | in imaginative art; but | = |his details are too well | ) jrealised for that, and so | ——— Si |is his admirable picture | of the society of Ham- | merton Chase, W., a thin unity, «.¢., if two stalkers enter an ambush and one sub- is immediately relaxed. Should this be true, I can only spread of higher education increases his difficulties. you have some previous knowledge of his work, I almost graph. For one thing the mere exuberance of his imagina- tion is a rare refreshment in this restricted age. His latest book, with the stimulating title of They Went (Cuarman one else could have created this exotic city with its painted palaces and copper-encrusted towers, a vision of sea-mists and rainbows ; or peopled it with so iridescent a company ——the strange princess; the queen, her mother; the senile king who should have been (but wasn’t) her father; Theo philus, the Greek artist ; the philosophic old Druidess, and the dwarfs who “chanted squeaky hymns amid sacrifices of mushrooms and gold-dust.” Perhaps this random quota- tion may hint at the fantastic nature of the tale; it can give no idea of the intelligence that directs it, mocking, sequently emerges, the vigilance of the feathered watchers hope that Mr. Gorpon will get in another book before the I should be inclined to call Mr. Norman Dovanas our only example of the romantic satirist, though, unless despair of condensing the significance of this into a para- and HAL), is an admirable example of this. Certainly no disguise for a riverside neighbourhood easy to recognise. | { could never get myself quite to believe that Stephen's | friend, Egerton, accessory after the fact, would so long and so tamely have borne the suspicion of it; but for the rest Mr. Hernerr’s study of his milieu shows a very intimate observation. If his Stephen, in whom the highest poetie | talents are found tainted with a touch of coarseness, may not | always be credible, the passion for self-expression which leads him on to versify his own experience in the form of a mediwval idyll, and so give himself away, is true to life. But my final impression of Mr. Herpert’s book—bhe will perhaps think I am taking him too seriously——is that his many gifts and notably his humour, whose gaiety | prefer to its grimness, are here exercised on a rather unworthy theme. Fashions for Proxy-Fathers. “The bride entered the church on the arm of Mr, T. , of Happy Valley (who acted in loco parentis and was charmingly vttired in crepe-de-chine).”——South African Paper. “Ts there anyone amongst the thousands of men who will benefit who will be some an (please let the word remain, Mr. Editor) a8 not to show his appreciation in the same way ?"-—Educational Paper. Personally we think the Editor was a little too complaisant. ee — tod 8 FE 25s 28235 _ nig Ss shi =s=8Ee°38. CL 3 2s 0 7 £2. Tacs = eoefs4 = ~sa_lUccrlhUc—

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a NovEMBER 17, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE —— CHARIVARIA. [risrumoured that a gentleman who a miniature two-seater car at the Motor Show last week arrived home one night to find the cat playing with it on the mat. It appears that nothing definite has et been decided as to whether The ily Mail will publish a Continental edition of the Sandringham Hat. The matter having passed out of the hands of D.O.R.A., the Westminster City Council recommend the abolition of the practice of whistling for cabs at night. Nothing is said about the cus tom of making a noise like a five shilling tip. ane p | We shall not be sur- ised if Mr. AustTEN HAMBERLAIN becomes the Viceroy of India, says & gossip - writer. 6 warn our contem- porary against being elated, for it is almost certain that another Chancellor of the Ex- chequer would be ap- pointed in his place. * + During the Lord Mayor's Show last week we understand that the Lorp Mayon’s coach- man was accompanied by the Lorp Mayor. * * The licensee ofa West Ham public-house has just seer a parrot which is trained to imi- “7 gay, Dap LONDON CHARIVARL 381 taxpayer going about incognito, ; « * The cackle of a hen when she lays an egg, says a scientist, is akin to laughter. And with some of the eggs we have met we can easily guess what the hen was laughing at. The National Collection of Microbes at the Lister Institute now contains eight hundred different specimens. Vis itors are requested not to tease the germs or go too near their cages. A large spot on the sun has been seen FINISHED WITH I,’ by the meteorological experts at Green- wich Obser vatory. We understand that it will be allowed to remain. Small Boy at Tailor’s (to father, who seems to be impressed with “ Jazz” tweed), GO BLOW. REMEMBER WHO'S GOT TO WEAR I tate the bagpipes. The bird's life will | of course be insured. * Ireland will have to be careful or she will be made safe for democracy, like the other countries. * Upon hearing that Mr. Wu. Brace had accepted a Government appointment several members of the I ur Party said that this only con- firmed their contention that his mous-| tache would get him into trouble one day, nets Mrs, Srackvoon O'Deut warns girls against marrying a man whose head is tat the back. The best course is to get one with a round head; after! Marriage it can be flattened to taste. | x x | A man who persistently refused to give any information about himself was Temanded at the Guildhall last week. eee Mr. Raymonp Forsprk, of Chicago, states that twelve times more murders committed in Chieago than in But, under Prohibition, Satan find idle are London. is bound to hands. mischief for Canon F. J. Meyrick, of Norwich, is reported to have caught a pike weigh ing twenty-five pounds. In view ol the angler’s profession we suppose we must believe this one. * + * A curate of Bedford Park has had his bieyele stolen from the church, and as there were a number of people in the congregation it is difficult to know whom to blame. “ Shall Onkie Live?” asks a Daily Mail headline. We don’t know who he is, but he certainly has our permis-| sion. We cannot, however, answer for Mr. Bop W1uniaMs. VOL, CLIX, x RE eee Oe eee ee With reference to the complaint that a City man made about his telephone, we are pleased to say that a great im- provement is reported. The instrument was taken away the other day. Discussing the remuneration of Cabi- net Ministers a contemporary doubts whether they get what they deserve. This only goes to prove that we are a humane race. Hatters say that the price of rabbit skins is likely to ruin the trade. Mean- while the mere act of getting the skins is apt to ruin the rabbit. ¥ ‘ “Mine,” says General TownsHenn, “was a mission Which NAPOLEON would refused.” We loubt, however, if Lord NORTHCLIFFE is to be drawn like that. Dr. E. Hatrorp Ross, }of Piecadilly, is of the }opinion that coal con- j tains remarkable heal ing Quite a number of people con template buying some of the stuff. powers. “What does milk usu ally contain?” asks a We can only say it wouldn't be fair for us to reply, as | \ eekly paper. we know the answer. beeceer acta | An Indomitable Spirit. | “Mr, tank held | VI only Spirit during the | te climb and not satis- | fied with climbing up Snow 1 drove down again.” r AFTER YOt whe don Mr, the Votormga Paper. | “Wy | pipn't By Horatio ro tHe Ban, Bottomley.” ‘John Bull" Poster. Perhaps it was after hours. “This upset Mr. Chesterton, a beer-eating Englishman,” patriotic Sunday Paper . We deplore the modern tendency to pry into the details of an*Author’s dietary. ' “ What the word was intended to mean was that every man should have to betrTcOshrdluesthafaodf{abadofgarfaf,” Local Paper. We have long suspected this. Democrac y MILAWAUKES Fourteen cases of whiskey, a large quantity of brandies, gin and wines i were found stored in a bathhouse. It will be presented to the federal grand jury for action.” Canadian Paper. 'Not the obvious form of ‘direct ac- tion,” we trust rons

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382 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON “CHARIVARI. HOW TO VITALISE THE DRAMA. A hint of what might be done by follow- ing the example of the Press. {* More than one actor-manager during the past few months has been searching rounc frantically in his efforts to find a new play.” The Times Oh, have you marked upon the breeze The wail of hunger which occurs When starved theatrical lessees Commune with hollow managers ? “ Where is Dramatic Art?” they say ; “Can no one, no one, write a play?” I cannot think why this should be, This bitter plaint of sudden dearth ; To write a play would seem to me Almost the easiest thing on earth. | Sometimes I feel that even I Could do it if I chose to try. What! can this Art be in its grave Whose form was lately so rotund, Whose strength was as a bull’s and gave No sign of being moribund ? I'm sure my facts are right, or how Do you account for Chu Chin Chow ? |“ Humanum est sum: humani nihil alienum a me puto.” As for the gods, their judgment shows No loss of flair for grace or wit ; We see the comic’s ruby nose Reduce to pulp the nightly pit, Whose patrons, sound in head heart, Still love the loftiest type of Art. and Nor should the playwright fail for lack Of matter, if with curious eyes He follows in our Pressmen’s track, Who find the source of their supplies In Life, that ever-flowing font, And “give the public what they want.” If authors, moving with the times, Would only feed us, like the Press, On squalid “ mysteries,’ ugly crimes, Scandals and all that carrion mess, I see no solid reason why Dramatic Art should ever die. O.S wm. UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS. [l.—Mr. Wixston Cuurcuiy. Ir it be urged that a few trifling in- accuracies have crept into the sketch which is here giggn of a great states- man’s personality I can only say, errare,” and “ Home These two Latin sentences, I find, in- variably soothe all angry passions ; you have only to try their effect the next | time you stamp on the foot of a stout man when alighting from an Under- ground train. Of all the present-day politicians, and indeed there are not a few, upon whose mantelpieces the bust of NapoLEon Bonaparte is displayed, Mr. Winston CHURCHILL is s probably the most assid- uous worshipper at the great Corsican’s shrine. How often has he not entered his sanctum at the War Office, peering ,| forward with that purposeful dominat- ijing look on his face, and discovered a few specks of dust upon his favourite effigy. With a quick characteristic motion of the thumb resembling a stab he rings the bell. A flunkey instantly appears. “ Bust that dust,” says the War MINISTER. And then, correcting himself instantly, with a genial smile, ‘I should say, Dust that bust.” But Naro.non’s is not the only head that adorns Mr. Winston CHURCHILL'S room. On a bookshelf opposite is a model of his own head, one may sometimes see in the shop windows such as of hatters, and close beside is a small private hat-making plant, together with an adequate supply of the hair of the rabbit, the beaver, the vicuna and similar rodents, and a quantity of shellac. Few days pass in which the War MINISTER does not spend an hour or two at his charming hobby, for, contrary to the general opinion, he is far from satisfied with the headgear by which he is so well known, or even with the Sandring- ham hat of The Daily Mail, and lives always in hopes of modelling the ideal hat which is destined to immortalise him and be worn by others for centuries tocome. The work of a great states- man lives frequently in the mindful brain |of posterity, less frequently upon it. Other mementos which adorn this remarkable room at the War Office are a porcelain pot containing a preserve of Blenheim oranges, a framed photo- graph of the Free Trade Hall at Man chester, a map of Mesopotamia with the outpost lines and sentry groups of the original Garden of Eden, marked by paper tlags, and a number of lion-skin rugs of which the original occupants were stalked and killed by their owner on his African tour. In his more playful moments the War Mrn- ISTER has been known to clothe him- self completely in one of these skins and ferociously from behind a palm at an unwelcome intruder. Of the man himself perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic is dynamic energy. famous growl Whether other people’s energy jis ever dynamic I do not know, but undoubtedly Mr. Winston CHURCHILL'S is; he dominates, he quells. He is like } one of those people in the papers with |zig-zags sticking out all over them | because they have been careful to wear an electric belt. He exudes force. times one can almost | | } | j | i | | | Some- hear him crackle As a politician it is true he has not yet tried every office; he has not, for instance, been Chancellor of the Ex- chequer, though his unbounded success (Novemser 17, 1920, what his capabilities as a C are. But as a soldier, a pi t polo-player he is rapidly gaining pre- eminence, and as an author nalist his voice is already like amongst screech-owls. (I admit that that last bit ought to have be: but I cannot remember wh for a screech-ow]l is. ancellor and jour- nin Latin, at the Latin I have an idea that it increases in the genitive, room: whilst the floor is littered wit volumes that have been sent to him for review, his desk is equally littered with proots of essays, sermons, leaders and leaderettes for the secular and Sunday Press. As a novelist he has scarcely fulfilled his early promise, but it is on record that he was once introduced to a stranger from the backwoods, who ‘Am I speaking to the statesman or the author ‘Not or, but replied the Secrr- TARY OF STATE FoR Wak, with asimple dignity like that of Sr. AvuGustine. To poetry he is not greatly att wched, preferring to leave this field of to his staff. When asked for favourite passage of English verse he has indeed been known to cite a single line from Mr. Hitarre Bevioc’s Modern Traveller— asked ignorantly, and,” letters lis “That marsh, that admirable marsh!” which is far from being Mr. Bre.uoc’s most mellifluous effort. We feel bound to ask what is most likely to be the next outlet for Mr. CuuRCHILL’s ebullient activity. Re- membering that bust upon his mantel- piece it is hard tosay. There who consider that, prevented by sluggishness of our chance of commanding an army in the field, he may turn his strategic mind at last to the position of Postmaster- General. are some times trom man better fitted than he to make our telephones hum. K. « A,—-Comme vous voudrai.—P.” Agony Colwmn in Daily Paper. Taking advantage of “ P.’s" kindness we may say that we preter “ warez. ‘A Tree Fisuine Si Lady is surprising everyone with her skill as an angler and a shot. Last Friday, I ghing 2zlb. oon she got asmall aim told, she caught two trou and 3}lb. And on the same afternoot a right and a left hit at a roebuck with four-bore gun! Daily Paper Not caring to believe that she mistook a roebuck for an elephant, we are glad to note that the epithet “true 1s only applied to the “fishing” part ol the story. in sthe Duchy of Lancaster amply shows the | the | If he does there can be no |} possibly I may be thinking of dormice.) | Anyhow, to return to Mr. Cuure HILL" 's | | | j | bn it quite | | | | | ry 1 | g-sticker and & swan’s |

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rer ————————— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemnen 17, 1920. 4 vt i We th | aM | pir i Hi a I 9 r ' Witt Ja ¢ / » ,' / / « 4 it ’ ¢ Wei sé Hl py ’ ; i) ph Va yal ' Wess a 3 AES Sc SAAS THE ABYSMALISTS. British Extremist. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?” eer Voice or Russian Bousuevist From BeLow. “DIGGING A GRAVE FOR THE niggas Barrisa Extresust. “THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO; BUT HOW DO YOU GET OUT: Voice rrom BeLow. “YOU DON’T.” ty Ste mere seam

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eee ee eet OE PUNCH, OR THE LONI | te \ | TIVE French Visitor (inspecting artificial silk stockings). “Som?” CONTEMPORARY FOLK-SONCS. ‘Tae GRAVE OF THE Boorzn-waw-zeE.” The following folk-song is believed to be a local (and adult) version of the ballad which, according to The Times, is now being sung by Communist children in the Glasgow Prole tarian Schools, with the refrain : * Clase-conscious we are singing, Class-conscious all are we, For Labour now is digging The grave of the Boorsh-waw-ze." The metre is a bit jampy, and so are the ideas, but you know what folk-songs are. } Look, we are digging a large round hole, With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee- haw hee ! To put the abominable tyrant in The Minister, the Master, the darin ; And never a bloom above shall blow But scarlet-runners in a row to show That this is the waw-ze, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-a ! honk ! Man- qrave ¢ f the Boorzh ees Honk, | Who do we put in the large round hole, With a Hey and a Ho and a He haw-hee P The blackcoat, the parasite, the keeper of the laws, Who works with his head instead of with his paws ; The doctor, the parson, the pressman, the mayor, The poet and the barrister, they ‘ll all be there, Snug inthe grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! .:. Honk, honk ! Dig, dig, dig, it will have to be big, With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee- hau ee ; One great cavity, and then one more For the bones of the SECRET’RY OF STATE FOR War; The editor, the clerk and, of course, old THOMAS. We wring their necks and we fling them from us Into the qrave « f the Boorzh-waw-ze, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-il . . . Honk, honk and line, With “a Hey and a Ho and a Hee- haw-hee ! Peace Brotherhood, that’s our But nobody, of course, can co-exist In the same small planet witha Com- munist ; ON CHARIVARL | [NovemBer 17, 1920, } ———— er i tC} ON PARLE FRANCAIS Shopman (formerly of the B.E.F'., resourcefully). “ Wei, SCARCELY, MADAM; SHALL WE SAY ‘SOI-DISANT’? Man is a brotherhood, that we know, And the whole damn family has got to go Plomp in the grave of the L rzh waw-ze, With a Hi ti-tiddle 2 ae HI nk honk ! Too many people are alive to-day With a Hey and a Ho and a Hi haw-hee ! Red already is the Red, Red S« With the blood of the brutal b Waw-zZe, And that’s what the rest of the globe will be Believe me ! > We'll stand at last with the Red Flag furled* In a perfectly void vermilion \ | With the citizens (if any) \ have not been hurled Into the qrave of th Boo j a 2f, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i . . . Hon honk ! A. P.H * Nore In the Somerset ver the wort is “snfurled,” which makes be scans even worse than the rest of | ong I have therefore followed the Glou rst tradition. tter sense but \\

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Novemper 17, 1920.) SOURCES OF LAUGHTER. «Tr will have to be a great deal funnier than that before it’s funny,” said George. i This represented the general opinion, though Edna, who has a good heart, rofessed to find it diverting already. Te ietunately she has no sense of humour. Jerry, the writer, claimed exemption on the ground of being the writer, though he did not see why his article should not remove gravity (as they say in The Wallet of Kat Lung) from other people quite as effectually as the silly tosh of A. and B. and C., naming some brilliant and successful humorists. The company then resolved itself into a Voluntary Aid Detachment. When they met again at tea Edna made the suggestion of a sprinkling of puns. “We've got rather beyond that, I think,” said the victim with dignity. “T'’m not so sure,” said George cruelly, ‘that you can afford to neglect any means. Some people laugh at them even now, in this twentieth century, in this beautiful England of ours.” “And I can tell you why,” broke in Raymond eagerly. He took from his _ a well-known Manual of Psycho- ogy and whirled over the pages. “ Meanwhile,” said George learnedly, “Berason may be of some assistance to you. He knows all about laughter. He analysed it.” “Why couldn't he leave it alone?” said Allegra uneasily. “ He defines laughter,” said George, “as ‘a kind of social gesture.’ ”’ “Tt isn't,” said Allegra rashly., ‘At least,” she added, “that sort of thing isn't going to help Jerry. Do give it up. “Well, then, here's something more practical,’ said George. “ Listen. ‘A situation is always comical when it belongs at one and the same time to two series of absolutely independent events, and can at the same time be interpreted in two different ways.” “I should think,” said Edna brightly, “that might be very amusing.” She remarked later that it made it all seem very clear, but even she showed signs of relief when Raymond inter- rupted, having found his place. “ Here we are!” he exclaimed. ‘ The book says that the reason a pun amuses you—— "’ “Tt doesn’t amuse me,” said most of the company. “But it does—it must amuse you. It's all down here in black and white. Listen. The reason a pun amuses you 18 as follows: ‘It impels the mind to identify objects quite disconnected. nna PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA XA ame \ , Pe RIVARL an ae —— as ee ee - ee The Fisherman, “1 SUPPOSE THIS RAIN WILL DO A LOT OF Goop, Pat?” Pat. “Yr MAY WELL SAY THAT, SorRR. AN HOUR OF UT NOW WILL DO MORE GOOD IN FIVE MINUTES THAN A MONTH OF UT WOULD DO IN A WEEK AT ANNY OTHER TIME.” This obstructs the flow of thought; but this is too transient to give rise to pain, and the relief which comes with insight into the true state of the case may be a source of keen pleasure. Mental activity suddenly obstructed and so heightened is at once set free, and is so much greater than the occa- sion demands that-——’ "” “And is that why we laugh at things?" said Allegra sadly. The heavy silence which followed was broken by the voice of Mrs. Purkis, the charlady, who “comes in to oblige,” and was now taking a short cut to the front gate, under Cook’s escort, by way of the parsley bed. This brought her within earshot of the party, who were taking tea on the lawn. When Mrs. Purkis could contain her mirth so as to make herself understood, her words were these: “I dunno why, but when I see ‘im stand like that, staring like a stuck pig, I thought I'd died a-larf'n, I dunno why, but it made me larf ve She passed, like Pippa. « Listen to her,” said Allegra in bitter envy. “ She doesn't know why,” And Allegra burst into tears. What’s in a Name? “* A Recital’ will be given by Miss H. E. Stutter (the well-known Elocutionist).” Local Paper. 4 | | : | p i | ' ‘ : ’ | i i : | ; { 1} i ' ; t ' :

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| a Horse Show. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. a [NovemBER 17, 1990. AT THE BLOATER SHOW. Tue last time I was at Olympia— as everybody says at the door—it was But this time it is much the same. There they stand in their stalls, the dear, magnificent, patient creatures, with their glossy coats and their beautiful curves, their sensitive radiators sniffing for something over | the velvet ropes. Panting, I know they are, to be out in the open again; and | yet I fancy they enjoy it all in a way. It would be ungrateful if they did not ; | for, after all, the whole thing has been arranged for them. The whole idea of | the Show is to let the motors inspect the | town, I should say, but quite at home | | bloaters—and not what you think. (You don’t know what bloaters are? Well, I can’t explain without being rude.) All the year round they can study ad nauseam their own individual bloaters ; but this is the only occasion on which they have the whole world of bloaters paraded in front of them for inspection. Now only can they compare notes and | exchange grievances. And how closely they study the parade! Here is a pretty limousine, a blonde; see how she watches the two huge exhibits in front of her. They are very new bloaters, and one of them —oh, horror !—one of them is going to buy. He has never bought before; she knows his sort. He will drive her to death ; he may even drive her himself ; he will stroke her lovely coat in a fami- liar, proprietary fashion; he will show her off unceasingly to other bloaters till she is hot all over and the water boils in her radiator. He will hold forth with a horrible intimacy and a yet more horrible ignorance on the most pri- vate secrets of her inner life. Not one throb of her young cylinders will be sacred, yet never will he understand her as she would like to be understood. He will mess her with his muddy boots; he will seratch her paint ; he will drop tobacco-ash all over her cushions—not from pipes; cigars only. There—he has bought her. tragedy. Let us move on. Here is a little coupé—a smart young creature with a nice blue coat, fond of It is a | in the country. She also is inspecting two bloaters. But these two are very shy. In fact they are not really bloaters at all; they are rather a pair of nice-| think it is. mannered fresh herrings, not long mated. The male had something to do with that | Good afternoon. “Thank you. . war, I should think; the coupé would help him a good deal. The lady likes her because she is dark-blue. The other one likes her because of something to do with her works; but he is very reverent and tactful about it. He seems to know that he is being scrutinised, | And what I really want is a cabriolet. we won't go up to the gallery; there is for he is nervous, and scarcely dares to speak about her to the groom in the top-hat. He will drive her himself; he will look after her himself; he will know all about her, all about her moods and fancies and secret failings; he will humour and coax her, and she will serve him very nobly. Already, you see, they have given her a name—‘ Jane,” I think they said; they will creep off into the country with her when the summer comes, all by themselves; they will plunge into the middle of thick forests and sit down happily in the shade at midday and look at her; and she will love them. But the question is—— Ah, they are shaking their heads; they are edging away. Sheistoomuch. They look back sadly as they go. Another tragedy. . . . Now I am going to be a bloater my- self. Here is a jolly one, though her stable-name is much too long. She is nothing but oleo-plugs and graphite- grease up there. That sort of thing spoils the romance. Ah, here is dear Jane again! What a pity it was—— Hallo, they have come back—the two nice herrings. They are bargaining—they are beating him down. No, he is beating them up. Go on—go on. Yes, you can run to that—of course youcan. Sell those oil shares. Look at her—look at her! You can’t leave her here for one of the bloaters. He wavers; he “Such a lovely colour.” consults. Ah, that’s done it! He has decided. He has bought. She has bought. They have bought. Hurrah! A. P. H. THE PREMIER'S METAPHORS. SomE time ago the Premier beheld the sunrise upon the mountains, and now he has plunged his thermometer into the lava to discover that the stream a Saloon-de-Luxe, and she only costs | is cooling—indicating comfort, let us £2,125 (why 5, I wonder — why not | hope, to any who may be buried beneath 6?) I can run to that, surely. At | it. Only by an oversight, we under- any rate I can climb up.and sit down | stand, did he omit to mention in his on her cushions; none of the grooms is looking. That is the sort of car I love. like the lady herring; I } don’t approve | of all this talk about the insides of | Mr speech at the Guildhall that the chamois Dark-blue, I see, like Jane. | is once more browsing happily among I am | the blooming edelweiss. But in continuing his lofty metaphors Luoyp GEORGE will find himself things; it seems to me to be rather| confronted by no small difficulty when indecent—unless, of course, you do it} dealing with the glacier. What can he very nicely, like that young herring. | say that the glacier is doing? When you go and look at a horse you|do something. don’t ask how its sweetbread is arranged, or what is the principle of its liver. Then why should you . . .? Well, here we are, and very comfort- able too. But why does none of these cars have any means of communication between the owner and the man next to the chauffeur? There is always a tele- phone to the chauffeur, but none to the overflow guest on the box. So that when the host sees an old manor-house which he thinks the guest hasn’t no- ticed he has to hammer on the glass and do semaphore; and the guest thinks he is being asked if he is warm enough. Otherwise, though, this is a nice car. It is very cosy in here. Dark and quiet and warm. I could go to sleep in here. * ‘ 7 x: “ What? What’s that? No, I don’t really want to buy it, thank you. | just wanted to see if it was a good sleeping-car. As a matter of fact I 3ut I don’t like the colour. A pleasant gentleman, that. I wish I could have bought the Saloon. She would have liked me. So would he, I expect. Well, we had better go home. I shan’t buy any more cars to-day. And It must is. One may take in hand the ice-axe of resolution and the alpenstock of en- terprise and pull over one’s boots the socks of Coalition, but the glacier re- mains practically unchanged by these preparations. It would be of little use to declare that its uneven surface is being levelled by the steam-roller of progress and its crevasses filled in by the cement of human kindness, because the Opposition Press would soon get scientists, engineers and statisticians to establish the absurdity of such a claim. And to announce that the glacier is getting warmer would create no end of a panic among the homesteads in the valley. Unless he is very, very careful Mr. Liuoyp GrorGe may make a grave slip in negotiating the glacier Then the “awful avalanche” has not yet been dealt with. A few helpful words on the direction this is likely to take and the safest rock to make for when it begins to move might be wel- comed by the Premter’s followers. He may argue that it is folly to meet trou- ble half-way, but on the other hand, if he does not speak on this subject soon, the opportunity may disappear. Let him avoid the glacier if he chooses; he cannot (so We are informed) escape the avalanche. A glacier is of no rhe- | torical value if it merely stays where it | | | | ' I

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x INES Wy -: Z Dec raed QQ SEVENTEENS.” “Bye-ByE! SER YOU AGAIN 800N.” WE MUST HAVE ONE.” ity “TWO COLLARS, PLEASE “ CHEERIO !” &, fe > 4 B ‘ei z >) | 3 sity : \\\ \\ Vy ; i K\ AW! S$ AGAIN, PLEASE “ SAME PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TREATING UNDER PROHIBITION. i. “THINK I’LE HAVE A COLLAR.” “WHat’s yours?” “HELLO, OLD FRIGHT—HAVEN’T SEEN YoU Yor acres!” “Now you must HAVE ONE WITH ME. ae ABOUT AN EVENING SHIRT?” No, No—1r’s 100 RARLY.” “THR SAME AGAIN, THEN?” “WELL, PERHAPS A SOFT ONE THIS TIME.” Novemser 17, 1920.) Ww Se el

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388 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 17, 1990, THE SAYINGS OF BARBARA. THE man who sets out to expose popular fallacies or to confound time- Lenoumel legends is bound to make enemies. The latest legend I have been privi- leged to explore is not the product of superstition and slow time, but a deliberately manufactured growth of comparatively recent origin. It is cori- cerned with Barbara, not the impersonal lady who figures in the old logic-book doggerel, but an extremely live and highly illogical person to whom for half a decade I have had the honour to be father. It is also concerned with Barbara's Aunt Julia and, in a lesser degree, with Barbara’s mother. tea and was chatting in the drawing- room with Suzanne (who besides being Julia’s sister is Barbara’s mother and my wife) and Barbara (whose relation- ship all round has been sufficiently indicated). The drawing-room door was open, and so was that of my study on the opposite side of the passage, where I was coquetting with a trifle of work. The conversation, which I could not help overhearing, was confined for the most part to Julia and Barbara, and ran more or less on the following lines ;— Julia. Where’s Father, Babs ? Barbara. In the libery. Julia. Working hard, I suppose ? Barbara. Yes. .Julia. Or do you think he’s sleep- ing? (No answer.) Don’t you think “You ought to hear what your daughter has been saying about you,” said Julia. ‘ “Oh, and what does Barbara say?” I asked. ¢ “She says that when Father sits in that stuffy little room of his he usually writes in his sleep. She really does take the most amazing notice of things, and the way she expresses herself is quite weird.” “So Barbara says I write in my sleep?” “Yes, you heard her, didn’t you, Suzie? Oh, and did I tell you that the other day, during that heavy thunder- storm, she said that the angels and the deyils must be having a big battle and that she supposed the angels would From the time (just over three years ago) when Barbara first at- tempted articulate speech I have been bombarded with reports of the wonderful things my daughter has said. In the earlier years these diverting stories, for which Julia was nearly always cited as authority, reached me | through the medium of the Field Post-Office, and, being still fairly new to fatherhood, I used proudly to retail them in Mess, until an addition was made to the rule relating to of- fences punishable by a round of drinks. On my brief visits home I would wait ex- pectantly for the bril- few daa Y"_ffh LEE” {aaa SN f ¥, a és 4 UD rer: ta at} } Dj \" j ¢ ie ee \ ff if | f | ff PP Magistrate. “But, Mr. GoLpsTein, WHY DO YOU HAV& YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR BUSINESS IN YOUR WIFE’S NAME?” Mr. Goldstein. “Wr, you sex, I’M NOT A BEESNESS MAN.” PrAarye ry or soon be going over the top?” —_ “Come here, Bar- ey bara,” I said. 4 | Barbara, who at her y ; too fond aunt's request Ay i had been granted the privilege of taking tea in the drawing-room, stuffed the better half of a jam sandwich into her mouth and came. “Do you see those rich-looking pink cakes?" I asked her. “You shall have one as soon as we've had a little talk.” “The biggest and pinkiest one?” de- manded Barbara. “Yes. Now tell me —don’t you think that people ought always to speak the truth, and to liant flashes of humour or of uncanny intelligence to issue from Barbara's lips, and her failure during these periods to sustain her reputation I was content to explain on the assumption that I came within the category of casual visitors. But I have now lived in my own home for over a year, and Barbara and I have become very well acquainted. She talks to me without restraint, and at times most engagingly, but seldom, if ever, does she give utterance in my hearing to a jeu d'esprit that I feel called upon to repeat to others. Nevertheless until a few days ago I was still constantly be- ing informed—chiefly by Barbara's aunt and less frequently by her mother—of the “killing” things that child had been saying. I grew privately sceptical, but had no proof, and it was only by acci- dent that I was at last enabled to prick the bubble. Julia (who besides being Barbara's aunt is Suzanne’s sister) had come to father’s probably asleep half the time he’s supposed to be working ? Barbara. Probly. What you got in that bag ? Julia. 1 expect that big armchair he sits in is just a weeny bit too comfy for real work. Barbara. I’ve eated up all those choc’lates you did bring me. Julia, Perhaps we'll find some more presently. Do you think Father writes in his sleep ? Barbara. Yes, I fink he does. Julia. Listen to her, Suzie. I expect really he only dreams he’s working. Don't you, Babs ? At this point I thought it advisable, for the sake of preserving the remnants of my parental authority, to come in to tea, Julia was handing Barbara a packet of chocolate, and greeted me with an arch inquiry as to whether I had been busy writing. I replied with a hearty affirmative. be especially careful not to distort the remarks of others?” “Yes. Can I have the one with the greeny thing on it?” “ Certainly, in a minute. And don't you think that women are much more careless of the truth than men?” “Yes. Can J———” “Do you love your Aunt Julia?’ ‘¢ Yes.” “ Why?” “Cos she always has got choc’lates in her bag.” “ But don’t you think it's much more important to have the truth in your heart than chocolates in your bag?” “ Yes. cake?" I released and rewarded her, and Julia prepared to speak her mind. Fortunately, however, just at that moment my brother Tom, who 1s Barbara's godfather, came in. “ Why, what a big girl we're get- Now can I have my pink ntl

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—————— November 17, 1920.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON c HARIVARL ah el Small Boy (much impressed). “Tur TICKET-COLLECTOR SAID ‘GOOD EVENING’ Mother. “Yes, DEAR, HE ALWAYS DOES. TRAVELLED ON THIS LINE FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.”’ o AN INCENTIVE TO VIRTUE. — | ting!” he observed to Barbara in his best godfatherly manner. “1 suppose | we shall soon be going to school?” “Oh, no, not yet awhile,” I inter- | posed. “The fact is she’s already far | too forward, and we think it a good | thing to keep her back a bit. You'd | never believe the amazing remarks she |makes. Just now, for instance, we | happened to be discussing the com- | Parative love of truth inherent in men | and women, and Barbara chipped in and told me she thought women were far more careless of the truth than men,” “Good heavens!” said Tom, who is a bachelor by conviction. “ She cer- ‘ainly hit the nail on the head there.” “Yes, and she added that she herself prized truth above chocolates.” ‘It sounds almost incredible,” gasped om, 3 Doesn't it? But ask Julia; she heard it all. And Julia will also tell you what Barbara remarked about my work.” But Julia, who was already gather- ing her furs about her, followed up an unusual silence by a sudden departure. From what Suzanne has since re- frained from saying I am confident that I’ve broken the back of one more legend, and saved Barbara from the fate of having to pass the rest of her childhood living up (or down) to a spurious halo of precocity. Another Impending Apology. “ DEPARTURE OF THE LigutT.-GOVERNOR. Entruvusiastic ScEeNEs.”’ Channel Islands Paper. “ Indeed, it is simple to understand why the Canadian portion of the audience almost rise from their seats when Fergus Wimbus, the ‘Man,’ says, ‘ Canada is the land of big things, big thoughts, bing hopes.”—Provincial Paper. Not forgetting the “ Byng Boys” either. TO DAD.” AND PERHAPS, IF YOU'RE GOOD, HELL SAY THE SAME TO YOU- WHEN YOU 'VE MUSICAL CARETAKERS. “A papy is willing to give a thoroughly- good Home to a Granp Piano (German make referred), also a CorraGE, for anyone going abroad.”—Morning Paper, A Gramorpuone of small to medium age can be received as p.g.in select Rest- DENTIAL Hore. Young, bright, musical society. Separate tables. Witt any Lapy or Gent Leman offer hospitality on the Cornish Riviera for the winter months to an EX-SERVICE Cornet suffering from chronic asthma (slight) ? Baa-prres (sisters) in reduced cireum- stances owing to the War, seek sit. as Companions or Moruer’s Hers, town or country. From a list of forthcoming pro- ductions :— “THeatTRE Royat,—. Boo Early.” Se EER EEE, 2 satin nnianecn eaten etapa ipa Nit

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 17, 1999, WHEN the docks are all deserted and the derricks all are still, And the wind across the anchorage comes singing sad and shrill, And the lighted lanthorns gleaming where the ships at anchor ride Cast their quivering long reflections down the ripple of the tide, Then the ships they start a-yarning, just the same as sailors do In a hundred docks and harbours from Port Talbot to Chefoo, Just the same as deep-sea sailormen a-meeting up and down In the bars and boarding-houses and the streets of Sailor- town. Just the same old sort of ship-talk sailors always like to hear— Just the same old harbour gossip gathered in from far and near, In the same salt-water lingo sailors use the wide world round, From the shores of London river to the wharves of Puget Sound, With a gruff and knowing chuckle at a spicy yarn or so, And a sigh for some old shipmate gone the way that all men go, And there's little need to wonder at a grumble now and then, For the ships must have their growl out, just the same as sailormen. And they yarn along together just as jolly as you please, Lordly liner, dingy freighter rusty-red from all the seas, Of their cargoes and their charters and their harbours East and West, And the coal-hulk at her moorings, she is yarning with the best, Telling all the same tales over many and many a time she’s told, In a voice that’s something creaky now because she's got so old, Like some old broken sailorman when drink has loosed his tongue And his ancient heart keeps turning to the days when he was young. Is it but the chuckling mutter of the tide along the buoys, But the creak of straining cables, but the night wind’s mournful noise, Sighing with avising murmur in among the ropes and spars, Setting every shroud and backstay singing shanties to the stars ? No, the ships they all are yarning, just the same as sailors do, Just the same as deep-sea sailors from Port Talbot to Chefoo, Yarning through the hours of darkness till the daylight comes again, But oh! the things they speak of no one knows but sailor men. C. F. S. \|

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ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemrer 17, 1920. WZ : , . " iY LG, Y LLL al ASG AL = a, y ee) —- —_—— P - ———— j s * YM By —— ~ = RS = > * x : - ee == = Se fen >= Sin | en — | nec got SSS S } —— ~~ | | wat —— " Se. el WORTH A TRIAL. Unsterman. “HERE COMES A GIFT-HORSE FOR THE TWO OF US. WE'D BEST NOT LOOK HIM TOO CLOSE IN THE MOUTH.” Sournern Intsuman. “I'LL NOT LOOK AT HIM AT ALL.” Unsterman. “OH, YOU'LL THINK MORE OF HIM WHEN YOU SEE THE WAY HE __ MOVES WITH ME ON HIS BACK.” Pa 14 ; aa sa ay ee : i4 ia } j | 4 / ! id { ) j | | 4 i il iH 4 | 4 | ; # Seance enenonnatente nena if eect RIA PC oo seers eee

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November 17, 1920.) —_—— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ‘CHARIVARL. 393 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, Monday, November 8th.—To allay the apprehensions of Sir Joun Rees the Prime Minister informed him that the League of Nations can do nothing except by a unanimous de- cision of the Council. As the League already includes thirty- seven nations, it is not ex- ted that its decisions will hastily reached. Now, per- haps, the United States may think better of its refusal to join a body which has secured the allegiance of Liberia and of all the American Republics save Mexico. The daily demand for an impartial inquiry into Irish “reprisals” met with its daily refusal. The Priwe MINISTER referred to “‘ unfortunate inci- dents that always happen in war ’’—the first time that he has used this word to describe the situation in Ireland—and was confident that the sufferers were, with few exceptions (Mr. Deviix, who complained that his office had been raided, being one of them), ‘‘ men engaged in a mur- derous conspiracy.” Hedeclined toham- per the authorities who were putting itdown. Taking his cue from his chief, Sir Hamar Greenwoop excused his lack of information about recent occurrences ez HE EZ 3 CF Aw i, , OBERLEUTNANT KENNWURDIG INSPECTS THE REICHSTAG (IN THE IMAGINATION oF GENERAL CROFT), with the remark that “ an officer cannot draw up reports while he is chasing as- Sassins.” Tragedy gave way to comedy when Lieutenant -Commander KEn- WORTHY observed that the proceedings were“ just like the German Reichstag during the War.” “ Were you there ?” smartly interjected General Crorr. The Government of Ireland Bill hay- ing been recommitted, Sir Worruine- TON Evans explained the Government's ti eet. ‘SECOND CHAMBER’ | “TWO BY TWO.” Sm E. Carson anp Mr. Devuin. expedient for providing the new Irish Parliaments with Second Chambers. Frankly admitting that the Cabinet had been unable to evolve a workable schéme an elected Senate would fail to pro- tect the minority and a nominated Senate would be “ undemocratic '’—he proposed that the Council of Ireland should be entrusted with the task. Having regard to the probable com- position of the Council—half Sinn Feiners and half Orangemen—Colonel GUINNESS feared there was no chance of its agreeing unless most of them were laid up with broken heads or some other malady. Sir Epwarp Carson, however, in an unusually optimistic vein, expressed the hope that once the North was assured of not being put under the South and the South was relieved of British dictation they would “shake hands for the good of Ireland.” The clause was carried by 175 to 31. On another new clause, providing for the administration of Southern Ireland in the event of a Parliament not being set up, Mr. Asquita declared that “this musty remainder biscuit” had reduced him to “rhetorical poverty.” Perhaps that was why he could get no more than ten Members to follow him into the Lobby against it. Tuesday, November 9th.—In sup- porting Lord Parmoor’s protest against the arrest, at Holyhead, of an English lady by order of the Irish Executive, Lord Buckmaster regretted that there was no one in the House of Lords re- sponsible for the Irish Office, and con- sequently “ they were always compelled to accept official answers.” A strictly official answer was all he got from Lord Crawrorp, who declared that the arrest had been made under the autho- rity of D.O.R.A., and gave their Lordships the surely oti- ose reminder that “ conditions were not quite simple or nor- mal in Ireland just now.” Mr. Suorrr has formed his style on the model of one of his predecessors in office, who used to be described as the Quite-at-Home Secretary, and he declined to share Colonel Burn’s alarm at the preva- lence of revolutionary speeches. Hyde Park, he reminded him, had always been regarded as a safety-valve for discontented people. Even Mr. L’Estraner Matone's recent reference to Ministers and lamp-posts did not at that moment disturb him. The new Ministry of Health Bill had a rather rough pass- age, and, if the voting had been in accordance with the speeches, it would hardly have secured a second reading. Particular objection was raised to the proposal to put the hospitals on the rates. Mr. Myers, however, was sarcastic at the expense of people who thought that “rates and Ww: fy. A t=. , THE OLD SHEEP-DOG,. Mr, Asqurrn. “Tur-rur! To THINK THaT ’ I COULD ONLY ROUND UP TEN OF ’EM!” taxes must be saved though the people perished,” and declared that there was plenty of war wealth to be drawn upon, Lieut.-Colonel Hurst objected to the term “ working-class” in the Bill. It caeepenpp nainacencenatiargn Tana LOTT ee TSE ooo ramen sens _serereneseer Seas 1 A APP A ACEI

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| 394 j | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a [November 17, 1920, would encourage the Socialistic fallacy that the people of England were divided into two classes—the leisured class and the working class; whereas everybody knew that most of the “leisured class’’ had no leisure and many of the “ working-class” did no work. Wednesday, November 10th.— The Peers welcomed Lord Buxton on his advancement to an earldom, and then proceeded to discuss the rights of the inhabitants of Heligoland. Having been handed over to Germany against their will in 1890, they hoped that the Treaty of Versailles would restore them to British nationality. On the contrary the Treaty has resulted in the island being swamped by Ger- man workmen employed in destroying suspension of Mr. Fisner’s new Act, was informed that the Prime MINISTER could conceive nothing more serious than that the nation should decide that it could not afford to give children a good education. Any doubts as to the suitability of Armistice Day for the Third Reading of the Government of Ireland Bill were removed by the tone of the debate. The possibility that the “Unknown Warrior” might have been an Irishman softened the feeling on both sides, and though Mr. Apamson feared that the Bill would bring Ireland not peace but a sword, and Mr. AsquiTH appealed to the Government to substitute a measure more generous to Irish aspir- ations, there was no sting in either of their speeches. The Prime Minister, THE GREAT IDEA. Perkins has got hold of a brilliant idea. He explained it to me in the Tube yesterday. “Our little world,” he said, “is turned topsy-turvy.” “ Knocked absolutely sideways,” I replied. : : “Those who were rich in the old days,” said Perkins, “ haven’t two six- pences to rub together, and the world’s workers are rolling in Royces and having iced méringues with every meal. What follows?” “ Indigestion,” I said promptly. “Everybody,” he said, ignoring my jeu dWesprit, “feels like a fish out of water, and discontent is rife. The newly- poor man wishes he had in him the stuff the fortifications. Lord CRAWFORD considered that the new electoral | law requiring three years’ | residence would safe- guard the islanders from being politically sub- merged, and wisely did not enter into the ques- tion of how long the is- land itself would remain after the fortifications had disappeared. In the Commons the INDIAN SECRETARY under- went his usual Wednes- day cross - examination. He did not display quite his customary urbanity. When an hon. Member, | whose long and distin- guished Indian service began in the year inwhich | Mr. MontraGcu was born, | ventured to suggest that TE gay:* He,” “Now, SERIOUSLY, Mr. WIGGINS, CAN YOU RECOMMEND THE LAMB THIS WEEK?” “Wet, Ma’aM, IT ALL DEPENDS WHAT YOU WANT IT FOR. WERE THINKIN’ OF EATIN’ IT, SPEAKIN’ AS MAN TO MAN, I SHOULD of which millionaires are made, and the profiteer sighs for a few pints of the true ultramarine Nor- man blood, as it would be so helpful when deal- ing with valets, game- keepers and the other haughty vassals of his new entourage. And that is where my scheme comes in. There are oceans of blue blood surg- ing about in the veins and arteries of dukes and other persons who have Al; absolutely no further use 2s for such a commodity, Hit and I’m sure lots of it could be had at almost less than the present price of milk. So what is to prevent the success- ful hosier from having Ir you he should check Mr. Ganput’s appeals ' to ignorance and fanaticism, he tartly _ replied that ignorance and fanaticism were very dangerous things, “ whether / in India or on the benches of this , House.” Mr. Stewart expressed anxiety lest ‘under the new arrangements with Egypt the Sudan water-supply should | be subjected to Egyptian interference. Mr. HarmswortnH was of opinion that for geographical reasons the Sudan _ would always be able to look after its own water-supply; vide the leading case of Wolf v. Lamb. Thursday, November 11ih.— The Prime MINISTER was in a more aggres- sive mood than usual. Mr. Devuiy, , who was noisily incredulous as to the | existence of a Sinn Fein conspiracy with Germany in 1918, was advised to | wait for the documents about to be pub- | lished. To make things even, an ultra- | Conservative Member, who urged the while defending his scheme as the best that could be granted in the present temper of Southern Ireland, did not bang the door against further negotia- tions; and Sir Epwarp Carson said that Ulstermen were beginning to re- alize that the Parliament thrust upon them might be a blessing in disguise, and expressed the hope that in working it they would set an example of toler- ance and justice to all classes. Barely a third of the House took part in the division, and no [rish Member voted for the Third Reading, which was carried by 183 votes to 52; but, having regard to the influence of the unexpected in Irish affairs, this apparent apathy may be a good sign. After thirty-five years of acute strife, Home Rule for Ireland is, at any rate, no longer a party question. Jones minor wants to know if the letter “'T,” used to designate the new super-bus, stands for “ Targurnivs.” the real stuff coursing through the auricles and ventricles of his palpitating heart, since transfusion is such a simple stunt nowadays?” * And I suppose,” I said, “ that you would bleed him first so as to make room for the new blood?” “There you touch the real beauty of my idea,” said Perkins. “The ple- beian sighs for aristocratic blood to enable him to hold his own in his novel surroundings; the aristocrat could do with a little bright red fluid to help him to turn an honest penny. So it is merely a case of cross-transfusion; no waste, no suffering, no weakness from loss of blood on either side.” [ gasped at the magnitude of the idea. “I’m drawing up plans,” Perkins continued, “for a journal devoted to the matter, in which the interested parties can advertise their blood-stock for dis- posal, a sort of ‘Blood Exchange and Mart.’ The advertisements alone would pay, I expect, for the cost of production. Pe ee ee ee

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i November 17, 1920.) ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 395 See,” he said, handing mea slip of paper, «these are the sort of ads. we should This is what I read :— «Peer, ruined by the War, would sell one-third of arterial contents for cash, er would exchange blood-outfits with successful woollen manufacturer.—5016 Kensington Gore, W. “To War Profiteers. Several quarts of the real cerulean for disposal. Been in same family for generations. Pedigree ean be inspected at office of advertiser's solicitor. Cross-transfusion not ob- jected to. Address in first instance, Barr., 204, Bleeding Heart Yard, E.C. “Public School and University Man of Plantagenet extraction would like to correspond with healthy Coal Miner with view to cross-transfusion. Would sell soul for two shillings.—A. Vane- Buupyer, 135, Down (and Out) Street, West Kensington, W.” “Makes your blood run cold,” I said, handing back the paper. “Not it,” he said, detaching himself from the strap as the train drew into King’s Cross; ‘not if the operation ’s properly performed.” A TRAGEDY IN BIRDLAND. I. Percy is a partridge bold Who in Autumn, so I’m told, Dwells among the turnip roots And assists at frequent shoots, Really I have seldom heard Of a more precocious bird ; Possibly his landlord's not What you 'd call a first-rate shot, And his pals, though jolly chaps, Are not quite so good perhaps ; Still, he thinks their aim so trashy That, I fear, he’s getting rash. He Even perches on the end Of the gun my poor old friend Bill employs for killing game. True he 's very blind and lame, And he’s well beyond the span Meted out to mortal man, And his gout is getting worse (Meaning Bill, of course, not Perce) ; Still, if he won’t mend his ways, One of these fine Autumn days I’m afraid there’s bound to be Quite an awful tragedy. He'll be shot—I’m sure he will (Meaning Percy now, not Bill). II. Weep, ye lowering rain-swept skies ! In the dust our hero lies. Weeping-willow, bow thy head! fur precocious fowl! is dead. Sigh, thou bitter North Wind, for erce the Partridge is no more! Now, as long as he was ready Just to sit, sedate and steady, if wat, = | | die A New Landlord. “GeorGE, BILLIARDS WILL BE EIGHTEENPENCE A HUNDRED.” Potman, “TuHat’s MORE'N THEY PAID BEFORE, SIR.” New Landlord. “WHat pip THEY PAy?” Potman, “WrELL, IT WaS A BOB, BUT THEY MOSTLY SNEAKED OUT THROUGH THAT DOOR.” On the barrel of the gun Little mischief could be done; But on that sad morn a whim Suddenly seized hold of him; "Twas the lunatic desire To observe how shot-guns fire ; So he boldly took his stand Where the barrel ended, and, All agog to solve the puzzle, Poked his napper up the muzzle. Well, the weapon at the minute Chanced to have a cartridge in it, And it happened that my friend Bill was at the other end, Who with calm unflurried aim Failed (at last) to miss the game. With the tragic tale of Percy’s Death I meant to close these verses, But we see quite clearly there, too, Other ills that Bird is heir to. He has also lost, you see, Individuality ; Perce the Partridge, named and known, With an ego all his own, Disappears ; and in his place There remains but “ half-a-brace.” Situations to Suit all Ages. “Lady-Typist (aged 1920) required for in- voicing department of West End wholesale firm.”—Daily Paper. “ Wanted, capable Person, about 3 years of age, to undertake all household duties, country residence.”— Scottish Paper. “Dick Wurrrmcron, 1920. And, last of all, here is Dick W Phittington, otherwise known as Alderman Roll, Lord Mayor of London.”—Evening Paper. But for the headline we should never have recognised him.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. eS [Novemper 17, 1990, os j ike The Beginner. “I Hope TO HEAVEN I'VE GOT THE LABELS ON THE RIGHT STICKS, OR I'm DONE!” 4 / Wy 7 b Pay CS NOL LIZZ LiL LAPD a Se a - AY fy ss eae ~ ~~ — os dl 7 / Pi 4 oo ea | th I seat lee. : 7, dl ut pert a. BEAU BRIMACOMBE. “ Wet, Uncle Tom,” I said, leaning over the gate, “ and what did you think of London ?”’ On Monday morning Uncle Tom Brimacombe had driven off in his trap with his wife to the nearest station, five miles away, and had gone up to London for the first time in his life, “to see about a legacy.” “Tunnon! mai laife. It’s a vaine plaace. Ai used ‘think Awkeyampton was a big town, but ai’m barmed if Lunnon dawn’t beat un. « As you knaw, Zur, us ‘ad to get up and gaw off "bout three in th’ morn’n, and us got upalong Lunnon ‘bout tain. Well, the waife knew ’er waay ‘bout, laike; ‘er’s bin to Plymouth ‘fore now. Zo when us gets out of the traain us gaws inzaide a sort er caage what taakes us down a ‘awl in the ground. Ai was fraightened out me laife. ‘ Yer,’ ai sez, ‘wur be us gwaine then?’ “* Dawn’ee ax no questions, me dyur,’ sez the waife, ‘or ai ‘ll vorget ahl what the guard in the traain tawld us.’ “ Well, baimbai the caage stops gwaine down and us gets out, and ai ’m blawed if us wadn’'t in a staation ahl below the ground! Then a traain comes out of anither ’awl, and befwer us ’ad zat down proper inzaide un, 'er was off agaain, thout waitin’ vur watter nor noth’n’. Well, we zat us down and thur was tu little maids a-vaacin’ us what ‘adn’ mwer’n lef’ school a yer’tu, and naw zinner do they zet eyes on me than one of ’n whispers zimmat to tither and they bawth starts gazin’ at my ‘at and laaf'n’. * Well, ai stid it vur some taime and at laast ai cuden’ a-bear it naw longer, so ai says to the waife,‘ Fur whai they’m laaf'n’ then? What’s wrong wi’ my ‘at?’ “* Dawn’ee taake naw nawtice of they,’ ’ersays. ‘ The little ’uzzies ought to be at ’awm look'n’ aafter the chicken, ‘staid of gallivantin’ about ahl bai thur- salves. Yure ’at’s all raight.’ “Ai was wear’n’ me awld squeer brown bawlerat what ai wears to Laan- son market on Zat'dys. “Well, zune us gets out, though ai caan’t tall’ee whur tu ’twas, and ai caan’t tall’ee what us did nither, vur me ‘aid was gwaine round an’ round and aachin’ vit to burst. But us vound the plaace us was aafter and saigned ahl the paapers wur the man tawld us tu. Then, when us gets outsaide, the waife, ‘er says, ‘ Look’ee, me dyur, thur’s a bit of graass and some trees ; us ‘ll gawn zit down awver there and eat our paasties.’ “ Maighty pwer graass ‘twas tu, but thur was seats, so us ait our paasties thur, and us bawth started crai’in when us bit into un. They zort ’er taasted of ’awm, laike. “Then ahl't once the waife, ’er says, ‘Pon mai word, thur’s a man taak’n our vottygraff.’ And thur 'e was, tu, with a black tarpaulin awver ’is ‘aid! ‘Come away, me dyur,’ says she; ‘ai’m not gwaine to paay vur naw vottygraffs. Ai ’ad one done at Laan- son ‘oss shaw when ai was a gal, and | it faaded clean away insaide a twelve- month.’ Zo us gaws back along the staation agaan and comes ‘awm just in taime to get the cows in. “Well, next evenin’ ai went down | along ‘The Duke’ to tall ‘em ahl "bout | Lunnon, but when ai gets insaide they ahl starts shout’n’ and bangin’ thur mugs and waay'’n the paaper at me. ‘What’s come awver yu?’ ai axes un; ‘yume ahl gone silly then ?’ “*Theym bin and put yure vottygraff in the paaper, Uncle,’ says John Tonkin, and ‘awlds un out vur me to look. And thur, sure ‘nuff, ’twas, with the waile in tu! So ai gets un to let me cut'n out and keep’n. Yur ‘tis if ‘eed laike to see un.” Uncle Tom fumbled in his pocket, drew out a cutting and handed it to me. There surely enough was a photo of him and “the waife,” sitting on a public garden-seat eating pasties and under- neath the legend— “SUITS YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE. An old couple snapped in Hyde Park. The gentleman, smart though elderly, is seen wearing a brown model of The Daily Mail hat.” \\ | ee 88232 ‘S228 ges 9> —

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SAPD "AIT Na APTOS — NovemBer 17, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ————— CHARIVARL. THE CYNOSURE. Awonc the passengers on the boat was a tall dark man with a black mous- ltache and well-cut clothes who spent | most of his time walking the deck or | reading alone in his chair. Every ship | has such recluses, who often, however, are on the fringe of several sets, although members of none. But this man re- mained apart and, being so determined /and solitary, he was naturally the sub- ject of comment and inquiry, even more of conjecture. His name was easy to discover from the plan of the table, but we knew no more until little Mrs. King, who is the best scout in the world, Lrought the tidings. “T can’t tell you much,” she began breathlessly; “but there’s something frightfully interesting. Colonel Swift knows all about him. He met him once in Poona and they have mutual friends. And how do you think he de- scribed him? He says he’s the worst liver in India.” There is no need to describe the sen- sation created by this piece of informa- ition. If the man had set us guess- |ing before, he now excited a frenzy of | curiosity. The glad news traversed the 'ship like wind, brightening every eye ; jat any rate every female eye. For, | though the good may have their reward | elsewhere, it is beyond doubt that, if public interest is any guerdon, the bad get it on earth. Show me a really bad man—dark- complexioned, with well-cut clothes and a black moustache—and I will show | you a hero ; a hero a litte distorted, it is | true, but not much the less heroic for | that. Show me a notorious breaker of | male hearts and laws and—so long as , she is still in business—I will show you | aheroine; again a little distorted, but , With more than the magnetism of the | Virtuous variety. ' j For the rest of the voyage the lonely passenger was lonely only because he pre ferred to be, or was unaware of the agi- | tation which he caused. People walked | for hours longer than they liked or even | intended in order to have a chance of | Passing him in his chair and scrutinis- ) Ng again the features that masked such | depravity. For that they masked it /camnot be denied. A physiognomist | looking at him would have conceded a | Certain gloom, a trend towards intro- | Spection, possibly a hypertrophied love of self, but no more. © Physiognomists, however, can retire from’ the case, for they are as often wrong as hand-writ- mg experts. And if any Lavater had on board and had advanced such a theory he would have been as un- Popular as Jonan, for the man’s wicked- hess Was not only a joy to us but a sup- Petree AFTER THE BALL. “ The Spirit of Jazz.” “Taxi!” Taxi-Driver. “Sorry, Srr—Ove Nick ’as JUST COPPED >» TTT WT teoll ME,” port. Without it the voyage would have been interminable. What, we all wondered, had he done? Had he murdered as well as destroyed so many happy homes? Was he crooked at cards? Our minds became acutely active, but we could discover no more because the old Colonel, the source of knowledge, had fallen ill and was in- visible. Meanwhile the screw revolved, sweep- stakes were lost and won, deck sports flourished, fancy-dress dances were held, concerts were endured, a Colonial Bishop addressed us on Sunday mornings and the tall dark man with the black mous- tache and different suits of well-cut clothes sat in his chair and passed serenely from one OPPENHEIM to an- other as though no living person were within leagues. It was not until we were actually in port that the Colonel recovered and I came into touch with him. Standing by the rail we took advantage of the liberty to speak together, which on a ship such propinquity sanctions. After we had exchanged a few remarks about the clumsiness of the disembarking arrangements I referred to the man of mystery and turpitude, and asked for particulars of some of his milder offences. “Why do you suppose him such a blackguard ?” he asked. “But surely I began, a little disconcerted. ‘“He’s a man,” the Colonel con- tinued, “that everyone should be sorry for. He’sa wreck, and he’s going home now probably to receive his death sen- tence.” This was a promising phrase and I cheered up alittle, but only for amoment. “That poor devil,” said the Colonel, “as I told Mrs. King earlier in the voy- age, has the worst liver in India.” E. V. L.

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$e En — 398 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, _ [Novewnen 17, 1920, A VACILLATING POLICY. Wuen the Man of Insurance made his rounds I “ covered’ my house for a thousand pounds ; Then someone started a fire in the grounds At the end of a wild carouse. The»building was burnt; I made my claim And the Man of Insurance duly came. Said he, “ Always Our Company pays Without any fuss or grouse ; But your bome was rotted from drains to flues; I therefore offer you as your dues Seven hundred pounds or, if you choose, A better and brighter house.” I took the money; I need not say What abuse I hurled at his head that day; But, when he began in his artful way To talk of Insurance (Life), And asked me to take out a policy for My conjugal partner, my cordium cor, “No, no,” said I, “Tf my spouse should die We should enter again into strife ; You would come and say at the funeral, ‘Sir, Your wife was peevish and plain; for her I offer six hundred or, if you prefer, A better and brighter wife.’ ” THE HAPPY GARDENER. (Extracts from a Synthetic Diary a la mode.) November 11th.—Now is the time to plant salsify, or the vegetable oyster, as it has been aptly named from its crus tacean flavour so dear to herbaceous boarders. This may be still further accentuated by planting it in soil containing lime, chalk or other calcareous or sebaceous deposits. Hedgehogs are now in prime condition for baking, but it is desirable to remove the quills before entrusting the animal to the oven. But the hedgehog cannot be cooked until he is caught, and his capture should not be attempted without strong gloves. Those recently invented by Lord THanet are far the best for the purpose. It is a moot point among culinary artists whether the hedgehog should be served en casserole or in coquilles; but these are negligible details when you are steeped in the glamour of pale gold from a warm November sun, and mild air currents lag over the level leagues where the water is but slightly crimped and the alighting heron is lost among the neutral tints that envelop him, Though the sun’s rays are not now so fervent as they were in the dog-days, gardening without any headgear is dangerous, especially in view of the constant stooping. For the protection of the medulla nothing is better than the admirable hat recently placed on the market by the benevo- lent enterprise of a great newspaper. But an effective substitute can be improvised out of a square yard of linoleum lined with cabbage-leaves and fastened with a couple of safety-pins. As the late Sir Anprew CLark remarked in a luminous phrase, Nature forgives but she never forgets. The com- plete gardener should always aim (unlike the successful ournalist) at a his head cool and his feet warm ; and ere again the noble enterprise of a newspaper has provided the exact desideratum in its happily-named Corkolio de- tachable soles, which are absolutely invaluable when roads are dark and ways are foul, when the reeds are sere, when s- (A Warning against dealing with Disreputable Companies.) all the flowers have gone and the carrion-crow from the vantage of a pollard utters harsh notes of warning to all the corvine company round about . . Shod with Corkolio the happy gardener can defy thege | sinister visitants and ply the task of “heeling over" broccoli | towards the north with sar impunity. The ravages of stag-beetles, a notable feature of late | seasons, and probably one of the indirect but none the less disastrous results of the Land Valuation pclicy of the Prime Minister, can be kept down by leaving bowls of caviare mixed with molasses in the places which they most frequent, This compound reduces them speedily to a comatose condi- tion, in which they can be safely exterminated with the aid of the patent hot-air pistolette (price five guineas) re- cently invented by a director of one of the journals already alluded to, But tout lasse, tout casse, tout passe; and while the king- fisher turns his sapphire back in the sun against the lemon- yellow of the willow leaves, and the smouldering russet of the oak-crowns succeeds to the crimson of the beeches and the gold of the elms, we shall do well to emulate the serene magnanimity of Nature and console ourselves with the re- flection that the rural philosopher, if only assured of a sym- pathetic hearing in an enlightened Press and provided with a suitable equipment by the ingenuity of its directors, may contemplate the vagaries of tyrannical misgovernment with fortitude and even felicity, A SARTORIAL TRAGEDY. [To be fashionable one must have the waist so narrow that there is a strain upon the second button when the jacket is fastened.” Note on Men's Dress.) GARBED in the very height and pink of fashion, To-day I sallied forth to greet my fair, Nursing within my ardent heart a passion I long had had a craving to declare ; Being convinced that never would there fal! so Goodly a chance again, | mused how she Was good and kind and beautiful, and also Expecting me to tea. And after tea I stood before her, feeling Now was the moment when the maid wou My buttoned jacket helpfully revealing The graces of a figure trimly svelte, But, all unworthy to adorn a poet Who'd bought it fora fabulous amount, Just as I knelt to put the question, lo, it Popped on its own account. ld melt, The button, dodging my attempts to hide it, tolled to her very feet and rested there, And when I laid my loving heart beside it She only smiled at that incongruous pai Smiled, then in contrite pity for the gloomy Air that I wore of one whose chance is gone, Promised that she would be a sister to me And sew the button on. A Test of Endurance. “The dancing will commence at 9 p.m. and conclude at 2 p.m. Anyone still wanting tickets may procure same at the Victoria.” East African Laper. For ourselves, after seventeen hours’ continuous dancing, we shall not want any more tickets. From a parish magazine :— “A nation will not remain virulent which destroys the barriers which protect the Sunday.” We are all for protecting the Sunday, but we don’t want to remain virulent. It is a terrible dilemma. sesame =

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—_—— — November 17, 1920. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL, 2 ‘ Cele Sy 4 Af Srrvation: Burglar caught red-handed. . “THe sonce o' rue rELLER! ’E PRETENDED TO BE MY ’UBBAND AND CALLED ovT, ‘I[?'s ALL RIGHT, DARLIN’ —IT's Iy WAS THE WORD * DARLIN'' WOT GIVE 'IM away.”’ (By Mr. Punch's taf] of Learned Cl rks.) ithe hand | will ask vou to guess, Characters: one Church OUR ae OFFICE | I read Inisheeny (Meruvuen), as I believe I have read | -OFF 3 levery story by the same hand, at one sitting. Whose was | In looking at the title page of John Seneschal Vargaret\ of Lreland parson, drily humorous, as narrator; one lively | (Hopper anp SrouGHron) no lover of good stories but vill} heroine with archwological father, hunting for relics; one } ' " | ' 1 * } | be saddened by the reflection that the superscription, “ by | schoolboy; one young and over-zealous R.L.C. officer on the | Acres and KNarrron Castue,” is there seen for the last | look-out for coneealed arms ; poachers, innkeepers, peasants, time. ‘The double signature, herald of how much pleasure|ete. Action, mostly amphibious, passes between the main- | in the past, is here attached to a cheerfully improbable but | land of Western Ireland and a small islet off the coast. | well-told tale of the after-war about a returned soldier who| Will the gentleman who said “ GrorGE A. BiremincHam ” | Was mistaken for his dead fellow-prisoner and hailed as son, | kindly consider himself entitled to ten nuts? 1 suppose it heir and fiancé by the different members of the welcoming | Was the mention of an islet that finally gave away my simple | group in the home that wasn’t his. The descriptions of | secret. Mr. “ BrrminGHAM”’ is one of the too few authors | this home, by the way—a house whose identification will| who understand what emotion an island of the proper size | be easy enough for those who know the beautiful North-|and right distance from the coast can raise in the human | Dorset country—are as good as any part of the book. If you} breast. Inisheeny delightfully fulfilled every condition 1n | | protest that the resulting situation is not only wildly im-|this respect; not to mention sheltering an illicit still and | } ; . , . | probable but becoming a stock-in-trade of our novelists, [| being the home of Keltic treasure. Precisely in fact the | must admit the first charge, but point out that the author s|right kind of place, and the sort of story that hardly any- | here secure originality by making the deception an unin: | one can put down unfinished. I am bound to add that, | | tended one. ~ John Tempest, who in the hardships of his | perhaps a hundred pages from the actual end, the humour | | escape has lost memory of his own identity, never ceases | of the affair seems to lose spontaneity and become forced. | to protest that he is at least not the other John for whom | But till the real climax of the tale, the triumphant re- | | the members of the Seneschal family persist in taking him | turn of the various hunters from Jnisheeny, 1 can promise | —~a twist that makes for piquancy if hardly for added prob- | that you will find never a dull page. ability. However, the inevitable solution of the problem provides a story entertaining enough, though not, I think, There were moments in The Headland (HrinemMany) one that will obliterate your memory of others, incomparable, | when, with Roma Lennoz, the “ companion " and heroine, | from hands to which we all owe a debt of long enjoyment. |‘ shivered, feeling that London, compared with the old |

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400 PUNCH, OR THE L house on the Headland and the family inhabiting it, was a clean place with a clear atmosphere and inhabited by robust, sane, straightforward persons. You felt homesick.” Cornwall is notoriously inhabited by queer people, and the Pendragon family was not merely queer but hereditarily rotten and decadent: the old father, who burns a valuable old book of his own to appease his violent temper; the granddaughter a kleptomaniac; the son of forty addicted to hideous cruelties. Unpleasant but well drawn, all of them. Mrs. C. A. Dawson Scorr has powerfully suggested the atmosphere of the strange and tragic household, mourning its dead mistress ; and she understands the peculiar quality of the Cornish people and the Cornish seas. I have not read her other novels, but, if she will promise to wrestle with one or two rather irritating mannerisms, I will promise to look out for her next one. I have no prejudice against the Wellsian triplet of dots, but really Mrs. Scorr does overdo | it. And a good deal of her quite penetrating psycho- | thingummy was spoiled for me by her trick of conveying | nearly every [Novemper 17, 1920, enthusiasm for Apranam Lincoun was kindled by Mr. Jown DrinkWATER's romantic morality play can profitably take up Mr. Irvinc Bacne.er’s A Man for the Ages (Constant) for an engaging account of the early days of the great Democrat, They will forgive a certain flamboyanco about the author’s preliminaries. Hero-worship, if the hero be worthy, is a very pardonable weakness, and they should | certainly admire the skill and humour with which he has | patched together, or invented where seemly, the story of lanky Ang, with his axeman’s skill, his immense physical strength, his poor head for shopkeeping, his passion fo; books, his lean purse and “shrinking pants,” his wit, courage and resource, A romance of LE interest and plausi bility is woven round young Lanco~n’s story. Perhaps Mr. BacneLLer makes his hero speak a little too senten tiously at times, and’ certainly some of his other folk say queer things, such as, “ What so vile as a cheap aristocracy, | growing up in idleness, too noble to be restrained, wit! every brutal passion broad-blown as flush as May?" What | | } | impres- sion and reflection of her characters through an impersonal “ you” or “one.” This means an economy of words and for a short time a certain vividness, but it soon becomes tedious. One knows what a tangle you get into if one starts using “one’s” and “you's” in your letters; and you find that the author has been caught once or twice. However, the story is good enough | to survive that. The title of The Lady | @ of The Lawn (Jenkins) | has “the ornament of | alliteration,” but be- | yond that there doesn't | : ING. AN ILL SITE seem to be any parti- Il FEAK.” WORRIES OF THE MIDDLE AGES. Mounted Gentleman (who has come to grief wn a morass), “Iv I escape THIS peniL I surrose 1 SHALL HAVE TO BUILD A CHURCH HERE AS A THANK-OFFER indeed! 'The picture o pioneering America in the thirties is a fresh and interesting one, To few of those who visit Switzerland, with its incomparable moun. | tains, can it have oc- | curred that, once a man | is kept there against | his will, it can be a | prison us damn ible as any other ; possibly even more damnable by rea son of those same inevi table mountains. Brit ish prisoners of war in- terned there knew that Mr. R. O. Prowse, in A Gift of the Dusk (CoLLins), speaks with subtle penetration for those other prisoners, interned victims of the | | cular reason why Mr. W. Ritry should have chosen it Certainly in his story there is an old lady who spends more of the winter on a lawn than any old lady of my acquaintance could be induced to, even with rugs and a summer-house to make up for the comforts of the fireside ; but Miss Barbara and her site really have not so much to do with the tale as its title seems toimply. The love affairs of a young officer who, while blind from wounds, fell in love with his nurse to the extent of becoming engaged to her and didn’t recognise her when they met again, are Mr. Ritey's real concern. Hric, who is quite as priggish as his name suggests, falls in love with his sweetheart, as a lady of leisure, all over again, and goes through agonies of re- morse on account of his own faithlessness to her as a nurse. Marion or Constance, for she uses two names to help the confusion, lets him suffer a while for the good of his soul, but the happy ending, the promise of which is breathed from every line of the book, is duly brought about. His publisher asserts that “there is no living author who writes about Yorkshire as does Mr. Riney.” I daresay he is quite right, but at least as far as the present book is concerned | don't think that I should have bothered to mention it. Those—and I suspect they are many—whose first real dreadful malady. Of | necessity he writes sadly; but yet he writes as a very | genial philosopher, permitting himself candidly “ just that little cynicism which helps to keep one tolerant.’ He is of the old and entertaining school of sentimental travellers, but he is far from being old-fashioned. The story running through his observations and modern instances is so frail and delicate a thing that [ hesitate to touch it and to risk dis- turbing its bloom. All readers, save the very young and the very old, will do well to travel with him, from Charing Cross (‘‘ I have a childlike fondness for trains. I like to be in them, I like to see them go by’) to the peaceful, almost happy end, at the mountain refuge by the valley of the Rhone. They will not regret an inch of the way; and they will derive some very positive enjoyment from the picture of that most melancholy hotel where the story is set. A New Safety Model. “ Lady’s strong cyclo, 23-in. frame, 28 wheels.”"—Cycling. From an account of the M.C.C. team’s match at Colombo: * When the unlucky thirteen was reached, Hobbs, who was sleeping finely, fell to a great catch at mid-on by Gunasekera.”—Ceylon laper. Happily Hopes appears to have waked up when he got to Australia. nn a _ acess ane een

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pr MT OCLC CHARIVARIA. No sooner had the League of Nations met at Geneva than news came of the nding retirement of Mr. CHar.ie naPLiIN. We never seem to be able to keep more than one Great Idea going at a time. “Fave you read Mrs. Asquith’s Book?" asks an evening paper adver- tisement. “What book?” may we ask. * * “In our generation,” says Dean Inar, “there are no great men.” It is said that Sir Eric Geppes will not take this lying down. Novempen 24, 1920) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL, | “ After all,” says an evening paper, “the Coalition is only human.” The Times, however, is not quite so sure about it. 4 * It is said that Mr. Borromury is about to make a powerful announce- ment to the effect that the present year will be nearly all over by Christmas, In connection with the Ministry of Health Bill, we read, not a penny of additional expenditure or expense will fall on the ratepayer or taxpayer. People are now wondering whether the Government thought of that one them- selves. Since the Gloomy Dean's address at Wigmore Hall it is sug- (SO gested that the world fi! should be sold to defray Wi ot expenses while there is yet time. a “What is wanted to- day,” says Mr. H. M. Riopen, “is a Destruc- tion of Pests Bill.” “Jaded Householder” writes to say that when this becomes law any- body can have the name of his rate-collector. “M. Reais, the new Greek Premier,” says The Evening News, “ig a regular reader of The Daily Mail.” We had felt all along he was one of us., y * es *SHALI “ Dendrology,”” says , *NoT 1 a contemporary, COT EEE Ciciicinheieehdecmin admirable pursuit for women.” We| seem to remember, however, that one of the earliest female arboriculturists made a sad mess of it. * According to the U.S.A. Bureau of} Standards the pressure of the jaw during | Mastication is eleven tons to the squar inch. Hf this is propaganda work on behalf of the United States’ bacon in- dustry we regard it as particularly crude. a os o A Sioux City millionaire is said to have paid two hundred pounds for a goat. He claims that it is the only thing in Towa that has whiskers and isn’t thirsty. ss “Mr. Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, has just visited Edin- burgh, his birthplace, after an absence of fifty years,” says a news item. We can only say that if he invented our telephone he had reason to keep away. ee a VOL. CLIX, Balls made of newspapers soaked in ee - » AS ON \ Wee I pusT THE BRICKY-BRACK, Mum?” 0-DAY, Nonat | pON’?T THINK WH oil are said to be a good substitute for coal. It determined to get a good circulation seems as if newspapers are somehow, Cars that run into four figures were to be seen at many stands at the recent Motor Show way motor-cars run into a8 many figures as get in their way. In the ordinary It appears that the man who was knocked down in Charing Cross Road by a motor-scooter was one of the middle class, and so could not afford to have it done properly by a motor-car. It is rumoured that a Radical paper is about to offer a prize of one hundred pounds for the best design for a Daily Mail halo. A man charged at the Guildhall ad- mitted that he had been convicted sixty-seven times. Indeed it is under- stood that he has only to say “ Season” to be admitted to any police-court. “ Pussyfoot beaten,” announces a headline. We hear, however, that he intends to have another try when the water-rate is not quite so high. A Streatham youth has been fined ten shillings for causing a disturbance by imitating a cat at night. He said everything would have gone off well if somebody had not made a noise like a policeman. “All men are cowards,” declares a CAN AFFORD Ir.” lady-writer in a weekly journal, Still it should be remembered that one of us : —~ married the lady who is now known as * Mrs. Grundy.” In describing a storm a local paper recently stated that waves seventy feet high lashed themselves to fury against the rocks. We have always been given to understand that waves never exceed fif teen feet, but wesuppose everything has gone up since the War. ‘* When is the Gov ernment going to com mence operations in with Channel Tunnel ?” asks a correspondent in a daily paper. We under stand that unless the } English homing rabbit, recently released at Calais, puts in an appearance on this side once again, the idea will be abandoned as impracticable. connection High Life Below Stairs. “Head Laundress wanted, titled lady.’ Irish Paper. This is what results dirty linen in public. from “L'AMITIE, FRANCO-ANGLAIBSF Un Té.tonamue pu nor Gronae Ie A M. MILLrnanp,” Le Figaro The attention of the PostmMasTER-GEN eERAL should be drawn to the unusually long delay in delivery “The Rat Catcher then said ‘ Look behind.’ I looked behind, and there on the seat was strapped a larger cake. This contained 145 live rodents,”—-Local l’aper. And now the pie with the four-and- twenty blackbirds must take a back seat. also the | washing | FCT LL IE TEES TUE

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402 PUN CH, OR BELLES OF THE BALL. A FOOTBALL eleven composed of work- girls from a Lancashire factory recently journeyed to Paris to play a team of French female footballers. With wo- men forcing an entry into the ranks of minor professions, such as the Law and Polities, it is doubtful if even the sacred precincts of professional football can now be considered safe, and Mr. Punch wonders if he may soon find himself reading in the Sporting Columns of the Press paragraphs something in the nature of the following : Kitty Golightly, who has the repu- tation of being one of the fastest young women seen in London this season, has now definitely thrown in her lot with the Tottenham Hotstuff. Her forward work is likely to cause something in the nature of a sensation. a The dropping of Hilda Smith from the League team of Newcastle United has been much criticised by football enthusiasts throughout the country. We are, however, in a position to state that there has been trouble between Hilda Smith and the Newcastle Direc- tors for some time past. It appears that Newcastle's brilliant full-back objected to wearing the Newcastle jersey, on the plea that its sombre colour- scheme did not suit her complexion. She pointed out that Fanny Robinson, the New- sastle goal-keeper, wore an all-red jersey and that, as the shade chosen was most becoming to anyone with dark hair, she (Hilda Smith) claimed the right to wear red also. The Newcastle Directors replied that under the laws of the Football Association the goal- keeper is required to wear distinctive colours from the rest of the team. That being so, Hilda Smith would only consent to turn out in future on con- dition that she should play in goal, and as the club management would not agree, to ‘displacing Fanny Robinson the only thing to be done was to leave Hilda Smith out of the side entirely. * * What would have been a very seri- ous misfortune to the team chosen to represent England in the forthcoming International against Wales has only just been averted. But for the common- sense and good feeling of all concerned, Dolly Brown, the English captain, might have found herself assisting the Welsh side instead of her own country’s eleven. Not long ago this brilliant back became engaged to a Welsh gentleman from Llanfairfechan and the wedding had been fixed for Thursday next. Under the present state of the British Constitution a married woman takes on i Swift retorted. Mr. the nation: lity of her lesharsd, and had the marriage been solemnized before the International Match on Saturday Dolly Brown would have been ineligible for England and available for Wales. On this being pointed out to her she at once consented to postpone her mar- riage, like the patriotic sportswoman she is, and in the meantime legislation is to be rushed through both Houses of Parliament to alter the absurd state of the law and retain for England the services of one of the finest backs that ever fouled a forward. se * Mr. Ted Hustler, the popular chair- man of the Villa North End Club, has been away from home for some days, rumour being strong in his native city that he has gone to Scotland after Jennie Macgregor. On our representative call- ing at Mr. Hustler’s house this morning to inquire if it really were true that Mr. Hustler has for a long time had his eye on Jennie Macgregor, Mrs. Hustler, the charming wife of the chairman, was understood to reply that she would like to catch him at it. *» ns The regrettable incident at Stamford Bridge on Saturday last, when Gertie Swift was sent off the field by the referee, is to our mind yet another example of the misguided policy of the League management. Gertie wen was THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARI, strongly reprimanded by Mr. G. H.| W histle ar, the official in chs arge of the | match, for an alleged offence. Gertie Whistler warned her. Gertieagain retorted. Mr. Whistler | then ordered Gertie to retire from the game. Whilst we quite agree that a| referee must exercise a strong control it is perfectly obvious that no self- respecting woman player is going to allow any mere man to have the last word; and the sooner the Football Asso- ciation realise this and dispense with the services of all male referees the better for the good of the game. xe Our arrangements for a full report of the English Cup Final are now com- pleted. Our fashion experts are to journey to London with both teams, and a detailed description of the hats and travelling costumes worn by the players will appear in an extra special edition of this paper. We understand that the two rival elevens are to turn out in silk jumpers knitted in correct club colours by the players’ own fair hands during the more restful periods of their stren- uous training. A Casual Family. “Small house or flat required; one child (off hand) ; any district."—Daily Paper. [NoveMBER 24, 1990, INCREASED OUTPUT. Al comparative study of incent labour.) THE miner's réle is not for me These manual jobs I always shun; In the bright realm of Poesy My thrilling daily task is done. | My songs are wild with beauty. This | is one. Yet has the miner, not the bard, A life that runs in pleasant ways; | His labour may be pretty hard, But, when compared with mine, it pays. | Scant the reward of my exhausting days. | I bear no grudge. I don't object To watch his wages soaring high If, as I’m told, we may expect To see him resolutely ply His task with greater vigour, So must I, ’ Up, Muse, and get your wings un- | furled ! } My rhymes at double 3} eed must flow ; Now, from this hour, the astonished | world Must see my output daily grow. | And why? I want some coal—a ton or 80, | Coal is my greatest need, the crest And pinnacle of my desires ; And as I toil with feverish zest "Twill be the dream of blazing fires | That spurs me tomy labour and inspires. I wonder if the miner too Has visions in his dark abyss Which urge him on to hack and hew ry’ 41 That he may so achieve the bliss buying great and deathless songs (like this). Commercial Candour. Notice in a Canadian book-shop “It often happens that you are unable to obtain just the book you want. We specialise in this branch of book-selling.” “Observing a straw stack on fire opposite her house a woman removed her baby from the bath and poured the bath water on to the flames.”——Evening Paper, What we admire is her presence of mind in first removing the baby. “Mr. and Mrs. John —— wish to return grateful thanks to all who so kindly contri- buted to their late great loss by theft.” Local Pape Always be polite to burglars. You never know when they may call again. We understand that Smith minor, who in an examination paper wrote margot, instead of margo, as the Latin for ‘the limit,’ has been reprimanded severely by his master. \\

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemner 24, 1920. THE LAST STRAW. Tue Camet Driver. “NOW, WHICH HUMP HAD THIS BETTER GO ON?” Tue Camex. “IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME. IT’S BOUND TO BREAK MY BACK ANYHOW.”

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| getful of the griddle cakes rapidly being J THE LONDON CHARIVARL [NovEMBER 21, 1920, Old Josh (who has just purchased stamp) UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS. III.—Sir Eric Geppss. Waica is boyhood’s commonest am- bition, to run away to sea or to be some- thing on a railway line? And how few, when they are grown up, find that they have realised either of these de- sires! The present Minister of Trans- port has freely confessed to his inti- mates that more than once, when he was floating paper-boats in his bath or climbing a tree in the garden to look out for icebergs from the crow’s-nest, he felt in his child’s heart that water was the ultimate quest, the adventure, And yet for many a long the gleam. year railways entranced and enslaved him. Often he would sit for hours, for- burnt to a cinder, and gaze at the puffs of steam coming from the spout of the | kettle or the quick vibrations of its lid, planning in his mind some greater and better engine that should be known | perhaps as The Snorting Eric, and be enshrined in glass on Darlington plat- form. Once, when he had bought a small model stationary engine and the methy- lated spirit lamp had by some accident . * WOULD YER MIND A-STICKIN’ OF IT ON FOR set fire tot he carpet, he was found after the conflagration had subsided stand- ing serenely amongst the wreckage. When challenged as to its cause, “I cannot tell a lie,’ he replied calmly ; “I did it with my little gadget.” few months later he and the present Ambassador of Great Britain at Wash- ington had constructed a double line of miniature tracks, which connected all the rooms on the ground floor of the house and considerably interfered with the parlourmaid’s duties. known to the family as the Great Auckland Railway. Another favourite hobby of the young engineer was to lie on his back and watch the spider | Spin her web, comparing the results with a railway map of Great Britain. It was seldom that he went to bed without having learnt at least a page of Bradshaw by heart. Going from strength to strength this apparently dreamy lad had climbed the giddy rungs of fame until, at the out- break of war, he stood with the ball at his feet and the title of Deputy General Manager of the N.E.R. It was he who had invented the system whereby the handle of the heating apparatus in rail- ME, MISSIn? O1 BAIN’T NO SCHOLARD.” OFF or ON without any consequent in- filtration of steam, thereby saving passengers from the peril of death by suffocation. It was he who, thumping the table with an iron fist, had insisted vehemently that caged parrots tra- of speech, be compelled to pay the | ill fare. It the greatest economies that the line had ever known by using rock-cakes which had served their term of years in th refreshment-room as a substitute for ithe keys which hold the metals of the permanent way in their chairs. In the summer of 1914 he was about to adopt a patent device for connecting the oflicial notices in compartments with gramophones concealed under the seats in such a way that when humour- ists had by dint of much labour made the customary emendations, such as * Ir IS DANGEROUS TO LEAP OUT OF THE winpows,” “To sTOP THE RAIN PULL DOWN THE CHAIN” and “To EAT FIVE PERSONS ONLY,” a loud and merry peal of laughter should suddenly hail the completed masterpiece. Armageddon supervened, and the rest was he who effected one of | } velling in the rack should, if capable | of Sir Ertc Geppgs’ career is history. way carriages could be turned either to When a new and sure hand was needed |

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November 24, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL at the Admiralty, Mr. Lioyp Grorcr was not long in making the only suit- able choice. Sir Ertc Geppgs’ bluff hearty manner, positively smacking, despite his inland training, of all that a viking ought to smack of, had long marked him out as the ideal ruler of the King’s Navy, and his name was soon known and feared wherever the seagull dips its wing. Underneath the breezy exterior lay an iron will, like a | precipitate in a tonic for neurasthenia, and scarcely had he boarded the famous building in Whitehall and mounted his quarter-deck (Naval terms are always used at the Admiralty, the windows being called “ port-holes”’ and the stair- cases the “ companion”) than victory began to crown the arms of the Senior Service. But peace ne less than war finds an outlet for the energies of the old sea- dog, and the veriest hint of a railway strike finds him ready with flotillas of motor lorries in commission and him- self in his flag char-i-banc, aptly named the Queen of Eryx, at their head. Lever, marlin-spike or steering wheel, it is all one to the brain which can co- ordinate squadrons as easily as rolling- stock, to the man who is now some- times known as the Stormy Petrol of the Cabinet. Yet even so the sailor is strongest in him still. It not generally known that Sir Eric has already cocked his weather eye at our inland waterways as an auxiliary line of defence in case of need. Experience | has taught him that it is even now | quicker to travel, let us from | Boston (Lines.) to Wolverhampton, by | river and canal than by rail, and the | | is Say, future may yet see Thames, Trent and Severn churned to foam by motor barges of incredible rapidity, distribut- ing the nation’s food supplies. This is one of the things that the Ministry of Transport has, so to say, up its sleeve, and is alone a sufficient answer to those who suggest that this Ministry has outlived its hour. There is a grim Norse spirit amongst its officials, inspired perhaps by their chief- tain’s name, and already the plans for a first-class Pullman galley are under | way. As LonGrEeLiow sings :— “ Never saw the wild North Sea Such a gallant company Sail its billows blue; Never, while they cruised and quarrelled, Old King Gorm or Blue Tooth Harold, Owned a ship so well apparelled, Boasted such a crew.” K. ‘Mr. P. G. H, Fender, the Surrey cricket captain who has gone out with the M.C.C team to Australia, is preparing a book on the tour, for which he has chosen the title of * Defending the Ashes.’ "— Weekly Paper. Quite the proper function for a FenpeEr. a Tailor (to yokel who has brought suit back). “Wat's wrona? Don’? THEY PIT?” Yokel. “Ow, AY, THEY FIT ALL RIGHT, BUT (pointing to fashion-plates) wor's USE 0’ THEY PICTURES IF YOU BAIN’T GOIN’ TO BIDE BY UN.” ELFIN TENNIS. Once in a fold of the hill I caught them— All by my lone was I— Out on the downs one night in Autumn, Under a moonlit sky. There on a smooth little green rectangle Sparkled the lines of dew ; Over the court with their wings a-spangle Four little fairies flew ; Skeleton leaves in their hands for racquets (All in a ring around Brownies and elves in their bright green jackets Watched from the rising ground). Then, as I crept up close for clearer Sight of the Fairy Queen, Oberon, throned on a toadstool near her, Carolled out “ Love fifteen.” Over a net of the fairies’ knitting (Fine-spun gossamer thread) Smallest of tiny puff-balls flitting Hither and thither sped. So for a minute I watched them, shrink. | ing Low in the gorse-bush shade ; Then, like a mortal fool unthinking, Shouted aloud, “ Well played !”” Right in the midst of an elfin rally Sudden I stood alone; Far away over the distant valley Fairies and elves had flown.

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406 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. eens [November 24, 1920, A D’ANNUNZIO DIALOGUE. [From which will be perceived not only that telephonic communi- cation exists between Fiume and Lucerne, but also that there ts an easy way out of the difficulty with Greece if only the League of Nations will utilise the instrument that lies to their hand.) D’ Annunzio (testily). Hello, Lucerne! Hello! Is that the Greek Kina ? Confound this buzz! Is that you, Tino? King Constantine. Speaking. What do you want? I’m packing up my grip. D'Annunzio speaks. Attend the trumpet’s lip. Snatching a few brief moments, ConsTANTINE, Out of my business morning—eight to nine, Composing epic poems; nine to one, Consolidating our position in the sun (Sweet Alexandrine !), breakfast, bath and post, A raid or two on the Dalmatian coast, Speeches, parades and promulgating laws Which, beimg published to my followers, cause Loud cries of “ Author!" and sustained applause; D’ Ann. Such is the round of toil that leaves not limp Fiume’s favoured Pontifex et Imp.— I thought I'd ring you up. King Con. Well, well, what is it? D'Ann. | hear you are proposing to revisit Athens. King Con. Well, if I am, what’s that to you? D'Ann. This, that, whilst gazing at the local blue The other day, I hit upon the plan Of conquering the Mediterranean, Including the Aigean and the finer Portions, most probably, of Asia Minor, And holding them as provinces beneat! Fiume and my own imperial wreath. King Con. Go on, then, dash you. D’ Ann. I shall soon begin ; But I decline to have you butting in. Tyrants there still may be, but not the sort Disearded from a philo-‘Teuton Court ; The tolerant warmth that sheds a kind of lustre Over a stout Ausonian filibuster Does not extend to thoroughly bad hats Like abdicated Hellene autocrats. And, if the Allies feel some slight reserve About resisting your confounded nerve, I, GABRIELE, do not. You may be A kind of subject satrap under me ; [f not, look out. You shall have cause to know The singing eagles of D’'AnNuNziIo. King Con. I'll think it over. D’ Ann. Do so swiftly then ; Meanwhile good morning; I must see men Also the Muse. some She waits upon my pen. Rings off. tire oN SS ie PE I A Evor. “How many cocktails are there? ‘William,’ the mixer at the Royal Automobile lub, who was for eayrs at the Hotel ecil, states that he can produce some 70 varieties without repeating himself.” Daily Paper. And did the author of the above paragraph try them all? * Towards the sonclusic m of the meeting Miss Dolly - sang the | solo ‘The City of Light’ in a very able style, and, as Mr. —— men tioned in a vote of thanks, which he proposed, seconded and si upported to the Chairman, speaker, accompanist, and soloist, herself.”—Local Paper. We understand that the Gasworkers’ Union has remon- strated with the orator on his excessive output. she excelled XY THE SNIPER. Brackley is a good fellow, but I loathe him. How would you like it if you were tied to work and every now and then a man came up to you in your club and said, “Old man, do come aw ay with me to the Pyrenees and shoot jummel,” or “Can’t you spare a month, old fellow, to come stalking ibex in “Montenegro with me?” or “ Look here, you're just the chap I want to run over to Alaska with me for a pot at the grizzlies” ? Just a fortnight ago Brackley came and told me of a lelightful rough shoating he had rented in an obscure corner of Ireland. According to him it was a congested snipe area. You could not see the pools for wild-duck. The honking of wild-geese kept one awake at night. The drawback to the estate was that you were always tripping over hares. “You won't be safe there,’’ I said to Brackley. “I’m safe anywhere,” said Brackley. “ Work it on system. In Arabia send the mullah a bottle of brandy. On the Continent stand the local mayor a bottle of wine In Ireland ask the priest up to drink whiskey with you in | the evening. So long as the authorities have their thirst relieved there’s never trouble. Now just come for a fort- night. There'll be crowds of snipe. I’m told there are woodecock too,” I was adamant. ‘ Weil,” sighed Brackley, how I get on.” When his posteard arrived it ran :— “T’ll send you a card to say ‘To-day * Ballina Ten brace snipe Four landrail. One brace partridge. Three wild-duck. Nine har One woodcock. “What ho!” Isn't that an aggravating card to get ~— you are deep | in the most elusive and evine chase of all—the money hunt ? | I wrote Brackley a scornful postcard :— “Go on with your baleful schemes. Wallow in slaughter. Roll in blood. Devastate the district. As an honest hard- working Englishman I regard you with utter con- tem Dp Three days later Brackley slapped me on the back in our club. “What are you doing here?” the snipe have gone on strike.” “All your fault,” he grumbled. “ About half-an-hour after | got your infernal postcard six outsize Republican | soldiers called on me and gave me just ten minutes to get | a car and drive to the station. I'told them what a silly fool you were and that it was one of your wretched jokes; but you can’t expect an Irishman to see a joke. | rong to explain it; I said that you referred to my exploits as a | sniper; and they replied that sniping was their department and nobody else's. } “Don’t tell me I said. “So I decided to come home and arrange for some shooting | in a place where there's a bit of peace. I’m thinking of going after the ongdu antelopes in Somaliland. You can't spare three months, can you?” “Why didn’t you face it out?” I said, knowing that Brackley had spent four years and two months of his life shooting Huns. “ Not worth while. I could have had a guard, of course. But you can’t expect decent snipe- shooting when there's a lot of promiscuous firing going on in the district. The snipe is a peculiarly nervous bird, you know.” Ne \\ 7 ig Mey)» ? a sae SS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE, Novemper 24, 1920.]

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408 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ST [NoveMBER 24, 1990, = eencen qt Porter. “Do you WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER, OR \ iy A FOOTNOTE TO THE “BAB BALLADS.” {The Vice-Chairman of No, 1 Committee | of the League of Nations, dealing with general | organisation, is Mr. WeLurscton Koo, the distinguished Chinese diplomatist.} SERENE and Celestial Sage, How well you revive and renew The delights of an age when good “ Bab” was the rage— Eminent Wetuineton Koo! For I feel, though I may be a fool, You were reared in remote Rum-ti- Foo, Maybe suffered at school its episcopal rule— Tolerant WeLuinaton Koo. Next I see you adorning the scene In the city of fair Titipu, Garbed in green and in gold, very fine to behold— Sumptuous WeLLineton Koo. Then you probably met Captain Reece And all his affectionate crew, Who knew no decrease of their com- fort and peace— Nautical WeLuincron Koo. Clonglocketty Angus McClan I fear was withheld from your view; That unfortunate man was not fated to scan Fortunate Wenuincron Koo. SNe $e ; MLD dt away ce 9” VICE-VERSA ; 3ut my reason instinctively tells It was you who contrived to imbue With his knowledge of spells John Wellington Wells— Magical WeLuincron Koo, * Morality, heavenly link,”’ I’m sure you will never taboo, Though to it I don’t think you'll “ eternally drink ”’— Temperate WELLINGTON Koo, It is rather malicious, I own, To play with a name that is true, But I hope you'll condone my irrev- erent tone— Generous WELLINGTON Koo. * Roya ExiLes. Some archdukes have become clerks, and many have become governesses and ladies’ maids.”—Tasmanian Paper. For these last two posts, their arch- ness would, we think, be an irresistible qualification. ** Nurses WANTED. 540 Hours Working Week. Extra pay at special rates for any time worked in excess of ordinary working hours.”’ Provincial Paper. The generous provision for “ overtime” makes the above offer unusually at- tractive. IF THEY WERE AT SCHOOL. (That is, if the House of Commons were like our School Debating Society —as indeed it is—and if its proceedings were reported with the incisive brevity of our School Magazine —and why not ?) On Wednesday the Society held its 2,187th meeting. There was some regrettable rowdiness during Private Business, and A. Mosrexey (Collegers) had to be ejected for asking too many questions. Members must not bring bags of gooseberries into the debates. In Public Business the motion was :- “ That in the opinion of this House Science is better than Sport.” D. Liuoyp Greorae, Proposer (School House), said that Science had won the War, and quoted Wireless Telegraphy and Daylight Saving to prove this. The most successful Generals had had a scientific training. His uncle had met a General who knew algebra and used it at the Battle of the Marne. Only two first-class cricketers had ever been in the Cabinet. Three scientists had. The earth went round the sun. The moon went round the earth. Rivers flowed into the ocean. An improving speaker, who is in- clined to be carried away by his en- thusiasm. Too many metaphors. —————-—— —- ans ef rr

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November 24, 1920.] —_—— H. Asquitx, Opposer (Collegers), said that the speech of the hon. Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, as ineffective as they were insincere. | Never in the whole course of his career | had he encountered a subterfuge so transparent, a calumny so shameless /as the attempt of the Hon. Prop., he might say the calculated and cynical | attempt of the Hon. Prop., to seduce from their faith the tenacious acolytes of Sport by the now threadbare recital of the dubious and, on his own showing, |the anemic enticements of Science. The War had proved that Science was | no good. This speaker is steadily improving, but he has a tendency to a “ fatal fluency,” and he must beware of high- sounding phrases. Also too many passages in his speech sounded like quotations. A. Bonar Law, Seconder (Com- , moners), said that the War had proved | that Sport was no good. Gas had been invented by Science. He pointed out | the importance of astronomy in navi- | gation. A rapidly improving speaker. But | he must not mumble. KE. G. Preryman (Hodgeites) said | that farming was both a science and a (sport. The canal system of Great Britain had been neglected. Some neat little epigrams. | Lestre Scorr (Collegers) said that | his father was a lawyer. Science had | been used in the Russo-Japanese War. This speaker was not at his best. { Perhaps it was the gooseberries. | Leste Winson (Hittites) said that | his Christian name was the same as | the previous speaker’s—(Laughter)— _but his views were very different. | (Loud laughter.) He would like to | ask the House which had done most | in the War—Tanks or Banks. The speech of the evening. Witty | and well-argued. But he must not | fidget with his waistcoat-buttons. W. 8. Cuurcnin (Hivites) said that this was a revolutionary motion. Sport | and Science must stand together. True sport was scientific and true scientists | Weresportsmen. (Applause.) Together | they would stand as an imperishable | bulwark against the relentless tide of | Socialism. Divided they would fall. A steadily improving speaker, but he must not recite, H. A. L. Fisner (Collegers) was in favour of Proportional Education. He must not lecture. E. Geppes (Perizzites) said he did not mind what game he played. Rug- os Soccer, Hockey, Cricket, Lacrosse, ounders—he was equally at home with all of them. ; An improving speaker. ree He must PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 409 \ \ tendo iil FO OS 2S M i A {!! a Asattrs tritrs — \ AN “IMPASSE” AT OUR HOTEL, OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEKAKING TERMS, FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS. not speak at the roof; there is no one there. F. Banpury (Sittites) must not goon and on. A. Monp (Moabites) must not fidget with his feet. H. D. Kina (Hivites) said that sailing was scientific. He has not been heard before. R. Kenwortny (Day-boy) must not be heard again. R. Brace wheedle. Apamson (Coalites) must not shout. A. Apprson (Collegers) was inaudible where we were. ; E. Carson (Jebusites) was inaudible (Coalites) must not everywhere. not miss much. He must speak up. W. Bewyw (Amalekites) was invisible. A. Batrour (Stalactites) was insen- sible. But why not sleep in the dormi- tory ? H. Cecin mi. (Parasites) must not preach. J. Devitn (Meteorites) said that Ire- land was a nation, But he must not get excited. R. Ceci ma. (Collegers) must not eat while he is speaking. Otherwise a gentlemanly speech. The President summed up and the Motion was carried by 12 votes to 11. A. P. H. But we gather we did | - a (| i | pa ; : bf fi a} i bi a ; ie ad :

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cet 410 PUNCH, OR THE LONI i AS) iv edagens LOI! THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR * LADIES AND GENTS, I ’OPE YOU WILL LET ME ‘AVE YOUR KIND ATTENTION WHILE I GIVK A RENDERING OF ‘ RULI | THE NATIONAL SONG OF BRITAIN, ACCOMPANYIN’ MYSELF ON THE ‘ARP, WICH I LEARNED | OF OCCUPATION IN THAT REMOTE AND BARBAROUS ISLAND.” [November 24, 1990, orl sAMPHI THEATR THEREABOUTS. BRrIraNnnia,' TO PLAY WEN I WAS SERVIN' IN THE ARMY A DIFFICULT CASE. Dear Mr. Puncu,—This is one of those social problems which end by asking what A should do, only in this case | want to know what you would do. It happened on the first day of my leave, just after I had, as is my custom on this day, had my hair cut and other- wise made beautiful at a place in Bond Street. (I am afraid this sounds as if I was a rich man, but really I am a Naval Officer.) I was wearing—well, that would not interest you, but it really was rather a pleasant suit, with a hat which even The Daily Mail could not improve upon. Briefly, I was strolling along in a perfectly contented frame of mind when a horse, drawing a van, chose to fall down right alongside me. In a moment of rashness and chivalry —have I said that the horse was being driven by a girl?—I promptly sat on the brute’s head, an act which I had always been told is the correct thing to do, though, I should imagine, discour. aging for the horse. In my haste I sat down with my back to the yan, so was unable to gauge the progress of the refitting work which was going on. ak In an effort to convey to the crowd, which had, of course, collected, that I was in no way embarrassed, nay more, that I was well accustomed to sitting on horses’ heads in the middle of Bond Street, I lit a cigarette and tried to look blasé, no easy thing to do in the circumstances. Small boys made tactless remarks about my personal appearance and eccentric habits, but I ignored them, feverishly thinking that this adventure would necessitate an early visit to my club. I had just decided what brand of cocktail would best meet the case when I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked up at a vast blue expanse which I realised later was a policeman. “If you've quite finished with that there ‘orse you're sitting on, young man,’ he said, “the leddy wants to take it ’ome.”’ The crowd chuckled and I rose hurriedly. Unfortunately, so did the horse, urged on, possibly by the cries and kicks of several willing helpers, or possibly by the sight of his mistress, who had come up, I hoped, to thank me. Not only did the horse rise, but he rose at full speed and without giving me time to get my foot off the rein on which I was unwittingly standing. My leg shot into the air and I lost all sense of direction for a few seconds. Then a slight shock, and I found my- self clasping the “leddy”’ firmly round the neck. At this juncture my aunt appeared. My aunt, I should explain, is nothing if not dignified. She is built on the lines of a monitor, bluff in the bow, broad in the beam, slow and majestic of movement. Her lips were moving feebly when I saw her, but she uttered no sound, uncertain, I suppose, whether to intervene or to pretend that I was in no way connected with her. Paralysed by her arrival, I saw her slowly take in the scene. Her eye wandered from the policeman to me, from me to the unfortunate girl to whom I still clung. I could see her jumping—no, moving ponderously— towards the wrong conclusion. Mr. Punch, what would you have 49 J done? yours faithfully, An N.O. (Your first thought should have been for the girl, whom you had clearly com- promised in youraunt’s eyes. You should at once have introduced her to that lady as your long-lost fiancée. Later in the afternoon you could have called on your relative and told her that you had mislaid the girl again—this time irretrievably.— Eb. }

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_ . ee ergsoe ae: z Fe ceed = saa SETS TD SST SS a, sameness linen eimiaestnnst i utesr~ ttmtinguantionnntniitte enteigeeig retesnptomeingnatnngpanin rae ene atop mpaaiertiarectlien ned ~ sp weeeemnnmnieanneatatinamancmner tii ——— ” ~ ean 2 i ab om me scenester stcmmtmensateseaiiins sie tsetse et ERAT NCCC CT ALLL LO OL a semen eaters en ne terme mere . ceesifeinanene tomate atheneintarntnien tert oe _nevgnpenpaemeeestresat 7 nest so einen etcetera eset mee een tte emt UR OCTETS pneiectreenneeences a sain nnnicnntinrneteneaan tate ppectane seubiaiiniiiass.laniaiadagpieamnen scion 2 rine _ ac-sipanithinaereesnansistetaaiataasryarecmntimenarysiinant nln nti ites encarta we ee RE CCC CLL CC ent e-em ~seninsnensennht en dincientgitaet ite ttt CTC LAO OCC Oe te — uc ey Ss > i) I'M THE BIRD OF WISDOM.” % A \\k \) . RN Sa : ; Lignin N " = \\' \ AN ——— ty \ , ue ; « iin ¢ ~ = am 1y\\' \\\V\ is ~ \ we CANN \N \ WS § I’M NOT A PARROT. be y THE FOLLY OF ATHENS. ATHENA (to her Owl). “SAY ‘TINO’!” THe Own. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemner 24, 1920. “YOU FORGET YOURSELF.

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TS Novemper 24, 1920.] —_—_- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — on ee eRe et enn 413 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, Monday, November 15th.—To induce the House of Lords to accept a measure for the compulsory acquisition of land ig analogous to the process of getting butter out of a dog's mouth; and it is not surprising that Lord Pex essayed the task of getting a second reading for an Acquis- ition of Lands Bill in rather gingerly fash- ion. When one re- membered a racy cor- respondence in the newspapers over cer- tain Midlothian farms one could hardly have been surprised if the Laird of DaLMENY had reappeared in the arena, flourishing his claymore. But, alas! he still remains in re- tirement, and it was left to Lord SumNER to administer some sound legal thwacks and, in his own werds, to “dispel the mirage | which the noble Vis- | count raised over the sand of a very arid Bill.” He did not op- | pose the Second Read- | ing, but hinted that if | ever it emerged from Committee its own draftsman would not know it The Prestpent or tHe Board oF Trak must regard Monday with rather mixed feelings. That is the day on which Questions addressed to his Department have first place on the Order paper ; and accordingly he has a lively quarter- of-an-hour in coping with the contra- dictory conundrums of Cobdenites and Chamberlainites. On the whole hetreads the fiscal tight-rope with an imperturb- ability worthy of Buonpiy. A Tariff Re- former, indignant at the increased im- ports of foreign glass-ware, provoked the query, Does my hon. friend regard bottles as a key-industry ?"’ Anda Wee Free Trader who sarcastically inquired if foreign countries complained of our dumping cement on them at prices much above the cost in this country was promptly told that “that is the very reverse of dumping.” Sir DonaLp MacLean was rewarded to-night for all his uphill work as leader of the Wee Frees before—and since ~Mr. Asquirn's reap yearance. On the Financial Resolution a the Ministry of Health Bill his eloquent plea for the harassed ratepayers received an almost suspiciously prompt response from Mr. Pirtrcenneneenneectenennsieennees MAS WITH ALL THEM BEFORE I 100K 'kM ON?” Bonar Law, who admitted that it was inconvenient to drive an “omnibus” measure of thiskind through an Autumn Session, and intimated that thirteen of its clauses would be jettisoned. An appeal from Lady Asror, that the cA MINISTRY ie of HEALTH } | THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS. Conductor Avpison (to Driver Law) PASSENGERS ON TOP ? WELE, Government should not “ economise in health,” fell upon deaf ears. Dr. Appt- SON not only enumerated the thirteen doomed clauses, but threw in a four- teenth for luck. BRER RABBBIT IN HIS ELEMENT, Lonp CURZON, rake history, ancient and & vee uf With) On A | “What, You can’t Ger ‘ome py Curis WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME Tuesday, November 16th.—I don't sup- se Lord Crewe and the other noble srds who enlarged upon the theme “ Persicos odi"’ expected to embarrass the Foretan Secretary by their cross- questioning. Persia is to Lord Curzon what “de brier-patch” was to Brer Rabbit. He has been cultivat- ing it all his life, and knows every twist and turn of itscomplicated i modern. The gist of his illuminating lee- ture to the Peers was that our one aim had been to maintain Per- sian independence with due regard to British interests, and that it now rested i! ww Su 1 ctkataagite pm cS RS SENET TOC TES SSS SST tains sneigileeiincainitimiultiintticcaicbaasieiitinia bata ta ai nme nara ott with the Persians themselves to decide their own destiny, Hopes of a relaxa- tion of the passport restrictions were a little dashed by Mr, HARMSWoRTH'S an- nouncement that the fees received for Brit- ish visas amounted to some fifty per cent. more than the cost of the staff employed. The Government will naturally be loth to scrap a Department which actually earns its keep. The War MINISTER Was again bad- gered about the hundred Rolls-Royces that he had ordered for Mesopotamia, Now that we were contemplating with- drawal was it necessary to have them ? To this Mr. Cuurcuiiy replied that the new Arab State would still require our assistance. A mental picture of the sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobiles de luxe presented itself to Mr. Hoaar, who gaye notice that he should “ re- duce” the Army Estimates by the price of the chassis. A little later Mr. Cuvurenint came down heavily on an innocent Coalitionist who had proffered suggestions as to the better safeguard- ing of the troops in Ireland. “ Odd as if may told him, “ this aspect of the question has engaged the attention of the military authorities.” In the course of debate on the Agri- cultural Bill, Mr. Acuanp hinted that Sir F. Banpury, one of its severest critics, was out of touch with rural affairs. Whereupon Mr, Preryman came to the rescue with the pererret revelation that the junior Member for the City of London, in addition to his 8eOorn, he yocations as banker, stockbroker and soap geome Soros teats Pas! 2 a : ea r. ———————————— neem naan aaa ntti tnapilihastiigtaaitibi simpli snetiiaiasanaiee i " SIS nate TIT RIT SSS eee

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_ confessing that his ar- | said very little about | cutting down the staffs. | This way of treating the | matter dissatisfied the ee 414 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | railway director, had on one occasion carried out the functions of “ shepherd to a lambing flock.” The right hon. Baronet, who is known to his intimates as “ Peckham,” will have Mr. Prery- MAN to thank if his sobriquet in future is * Little Bo-Peep.” Wednesday, November 17th. ~The Lords, having welcomed the Bishop of DurHAM—a notable addition to the ora- torical strength of the Episcopal Bench proceeded to show that even the lay peers had not much to learn in the matter of polite invective. Lord Gar- FORD invited them to declare that the Government should forthwith reduce its swollen Departmental staffs and in- cidentally relieve our open spaces from _ the eyesores that now disfigure them. Per- haps he laid overmuch stress upon the latter part of his motion, for the Ministerial spokes- man rode off on this line—Lord CrawrorD tistic sensibility was outraged by these “ hor rible hutments’’—and malcontents, who voted down the Ministry. The Front Opposition Bench in the Commons was almost deserted at Question - time. Pre- sently the appearance of Lieut.-Commande: KENWORTHY in unusu- ally festive attire fur- nished an explanation. After forty years of bachelorship and four | of fighting, Wepaewoop Benn is Bene- dict indeed; and his colleagues were attending his wedding-festivities. The SecrRETARY TO THE ADMIRALTY | has not yet attained to the omniscience in Naval affairs that his predecessor acquired in the course of twelve years’ , continuous occupancy of the post. But | Sir James Craic can handle an awk- ward questioner no less deftly than “Dr. Mac.” Witness his excuse for not replying to a “ Supplementary ” :— “The hon. and gallant gentleman must understand that I attach so much im- portance to his questions that I wish to be most punctilious in my answers.” Who could persist after that ? Mr. Bonar Law stated that the treaties by which Great Britain and France were responsible for constitu- tional government in Greece came to an end in August last. Consequently the two Powers have “a completely free hand” in regard to the Greek Monarchy. But he begged to be ex- cused from saying in what manner that “free hand’ would be. used if Trxo should think of returning. Thursday, November 18th.—In the Lords the Acquisition of Land Bill had most of its teeth drawn. Lord SuMNER was the most adroit of the many operators employed, and he used no fas. The usual dreary duel of Nationalist insinuation and Ministerial denial in re- gard to Irish happenings was lightened by one or two interludes. Mr. Jack Jones loudly suggested that the Gov- ernment should send for General Lv-! trating the dusty panes of the windows. AMOR TRIUMPHANS. (Afier the Pompeii mosaic.) DENDORFF to show them how to carry out reprisals. “He is no friend of mine,” retorted the Cuter SECRETARY, with subtle emphasis. Later he read a long letter from the C.-in-C. of the Irish Republican Army to his Chief of Staff discussing the possibility of enlisting the germs of typhoid and glanders in their noble fight for freedom. The House listened with rapt attention until Sir Hamar came to the pious conclu- sion, “God bless you all.” Amid the laughter that followed this anti-climax Mr. Devin was heard to ask, “ Was not the whole thing concocted in Dublin Castle?”’ Well, if so, Dublin Castle must have developed a sense of humour quite foreign to its traditions. Perhaps that is the reason why the Pame Min- ISTER, earlier in the Sitting, expressed the opinion that “things in Ireland are getting much better.” | ' Wirn Ma. Poncu’s pest wisnes To Caprain WEDGwoop BENN. [November 24, 1990, THE BOOT MYSTERY. DRAMATIC SCENES AT BILBURY QUARTER SESSIONS. COUNSEL FOR PROSECUTION ARRIVES FROM Lonpon. THe Procerepincs. Norges ON THE LEADING PERSONALITIES IN THE GREAT Drama. PrisONeR ADKINS’ AWKWARD ADMISSION. Norre.—The author is surprised, not to say pained, at the conspiracy of silence on the part of the daily Press, as a result of which he is left to write this matter up himself, However cae A SOMBRE court-house of Quarter Sessions, the light with difficulty pene- On the so-called Bench sits the Bench so-called: in point of fact there are half-a-dozen ripe aldermen sitting on chairs, in the midst of which is an arm-chair, and in it Mr. Augustus Jones, the Recorder of Bilbury. Born in 1873 of rich but respectable parents; called, with no uncer- tain voice, to t! 1894 ; of a weighty cor- pulence and stormy vis- age, Mr. Jones now set- tles himself in his arm- chair to hear and deter- mine all this business about Absalom Adkins and the Boots. How | admirably impressive is | Mr. Jones's typically English absence of hys- teria, his calm, his rest- fulness. Indeed, give Mr. Jones five minutes to himself and it is even betting he would be fast asleep. The Clerk of the Court with awful dignity suggests getting a move on. Mr. Blathwayte who, as well as Clerk of the Court is also Town Clerk of Bil- bury, was born in 1850 and, having survived the intervening years, now demands the production of the prisoner from below. Looking at this dignitary | one gets the poetic impression of a mass | of white hair, white moustache, white whiskers, white beard and white wig, with little bits of bright red face ap- pearing in between. From a crevice in one of these patches come the omin- ous words, of which we catch but a sample or two: “. . . Prisoner at the bar... for that you did. . . steal, take and carry away .. . pairs of boots . . . of our Lord the King, his crown and dignity.” , At this moment there arrives in court e Bar in

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| i ; } | | | } | a sinister figure wearing the wig and ae November 24, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE ne EE enal LONDON CHARIVARL oe 415 i= Vicar. “*I UNDERSTAND FROM Darby. “Eu, wHar? WHat Joan, “’E says 'R gown so much affected by the English Persons IN THE DRAMA (sO FAR). Mr. Augustus Jones. Recorder. Born in 1873 Mr. Joseph K. Blaythwayte. Clerk of the Court. Born in 1850. Absalom Adkins, of uncertain age, supposed boot-fancier, Cur Lord the King, whose peace, crown and dignity are reported to have been rudely dis- 7” the alleged activities of Absalom Bar. Plainly a man of character and of moment ; obviously selected with great care for this highly difficult and delicate matter. His features are sharp, clean- cut. One feels that they have been sharpened and cut clean this very morn- ing. In his hand he holds the fateful nef, pregnant with damnatory facts. He makes his way into the pen reserved For Counsel only.”” The usher locks him in for safety’s sake. ho is this strong silent man, this robed counsellor trusted with the case of the Crown ? Who is it? It is I! Born in the year—but if I’m to tell my life story it’s a thousand pounds I Want. Make it guineas and I will in- clude portraits of self and relations, With place of birth, inset. ia UNDERSTANDS FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOU RE THE DOCTOR THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS HEARING BETTER WITH THIS FAR.” ’s "E SAY, JOAN?” The scenario scene?) is now complete. Leading characters, minor characters, chorus, supernumeraries and I myself are all on the stage. Absalom Adkins, clad in a loose-fitting corduroy lounge suit and his neck encased in a whitish kerchief, rises from his seat. Mr. Jones, the Recorder, does much as he was doing before— nothing in particular. Counsel for the prosecution re-reads his brief, under- lines the significant points, forgets that his pencil is a blue one and licks it. On a side-table, impervious to their sur- roundings and apparently unconcerned with their significance, sit the crucial boots “How say you, Absalom Adkins ” —such the concluding words of the Clerk, the finish of the prologue which rings up the curtain on this human drama — ‘how say you? Are you guilty or not guilty?” “Guilty,” says Absalom, and that ends it. Later a large and enthusiastic crowd outside (had there been one) might have seen a man with clean and sharp-cut features carrying a bag in one hand and an umbrella in the other, stepping "EARING BETTER WITH THAT THERE.” lightly on to a Bilbury corporation tram, station bound. This is the counsel for the prosecution (still me), his grave responsibilities honourably discharged, hurrying back to the vortex of metro- politan life. F. O. L. From a stores catalogue :— “THE WRINGER, Guaranteed for one year—Fair wear and tear excepted.” There is always a catch somewhere. “A consignment of Rumanian eggs has arrived in this country. This shipment, which is the first to arrive since the war closed this source of supply in 1914, consists of 100 cases, each containing 1914 eggs.”—Scots Paper. teferring, we trust, to the number and not the vintage. “Contracts, Tenprers, &e. The Great Northern Railway Company. } from String Allegro moderato Quartet, No. 2, Borodine. Notturno ......... 3D STORES CONTRACTS.” Daily Paper. It is generally supposed that the com- pany entertains the idea of attempting to “soothe the savage breast” of the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT.

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416 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——_ [November 24, 1990, THE LETTERS ! NEVER POST. I met a philosopher the other day— he is not a philosopher by profession, but an architect—who told me that, when annoyed by the anomalies and petty red-tape restrictions of life or irri- tated by incompetence and incivility, or even when he feels that he can amend somebody else's error or propose an im- provement, it is his habit to write a letter expressing his indignation or em- bodying his suggestions. After remarking that he must be kept very busy I asked him what kind of replies he got. “Oh, I don't get any replies,” he said, “ because, you see, I don’t send the let- ters; I only write them and then I tear them up.” This is how I knew that he was a philosopher. I propose to take to philosophy myself. To a Taxt-Driver. Dear Srr,—(You must understand, as must all the people that I address in these epistles, that by “dear” I do not necessarily imply any affection. I employ the word because I am too old to care about breaking down harmless conventions; but I might claim in the present connection that it has more than one meaning. That indeed you will see, if you read on, is the main point of this letter.)—Dear Sir, then, you may remember me. I am the fare who hailed you on your rank at the corner of Fulham Road and Drayton Gardens last Tuesday evening at a quarter to six, and told you to drive to the Marble Arch. You put down the flag and then jumped off the box to wind up the starter. It failed, and after several attempts you had to examine the machinery. I suppose that six minutes were occupied in this way, whether because you are a bad me- chanic or a careless fellow or because the engine is defective, I cannot say ; all I know is that I was in a hurry and that the flag was down, but we were not moving. If you had not put the flag down I should have got out and taken another cab; but I felt that that would be unfair to you. When, however, at the end of the journey I paid you without adding any tip, and you re- ceived the money with an offensive grunt, I wished that I had been less considerate. It is because nothing that I could have said then, in your horrid hostile mood, would have convinced you that there is any injustice to a fare at all in putting down your flag before you are ay, started, that I am writing this etter. My hope is that quiet perusal may demonstrate that the fare has, at any rate, a grain of logic on his side if he looks upon himself as defrauded. We don’t, you know, take your cabs for the joy of sitting in them, or for the pleasure of watching you struggling with a crank, but to be conveyed quickly from place to place. It is wrong to ask us to pay for the timesspent by you in persuading your engine to behave, and it is indecent to become abusive when weact on that assumption. If I had not been so busy I should have refused to pay at all and forced you to summon me; but who has time for such costly formalities? And I might haye had to lose my temper, which I have not done (much) since I read an article by a doctor saying that every such loss means an abbreviation of life. Life in a world made fit for heroes may not be any great catch, but it is better, at any rate, than passing to a region where one is apparently liable to be in con- stant communication with mediums. One other thing. I have just re- turned from Paris, where, amid much that is unsatisfactory and besmirched by Peace, taxis remain trustworthy and plentiful. The price marked on the meter is that which the fare pays, and any number of persons may ride in the cab without extra charge. Nothing exceeds my scorn for the English taxi- driver who demands another ninepence for an additional passenger, even though only a child—nothing except my scorn for the cowardly official who conceded this monstrous imposition. To AN ADMINISTRATOR. Dear Sir,—May I implore you to authorise the instant removal of the buildings in the St. James’s Park lake? During the War we who find on the suspension bridge, looking West, the most beautiful late afternoon view in London, were content to endure the invasion. But we have passed the second Armistice Day, and still the huts remain, and still there is no water, and still the enchanted prospect is denied us. After all, this lake is part of London, and London ratepayers should be entitled to their city’s beau- ties as well as its necessities. To A Prerry Gret. My Dear,—I want you to be a little more merciful. The other day, when your father, over the eggs and bacon, was reading out the news from Greece, with the defeat of VEN1zEL0s, you said lightly that exile didn’t matter very much because VENIZELOS was a very old man. You then returned to the absorbing occupation of identifying Society people, reading from left to right. Now Venize.os is fifty-five years of age, and I cannot allow the in; but you are at it all the time. There —=—= term “ very old” to be applied to him without protest; I am too nearly his contemporary. ‘Getting on,” if you like, ‘ mature,” “ripe,” but not «“ very old.” You must keep that phrase for the people who—well, who are very old, To A HABERDASHER. Dear Str,—When I came to put on the collar that I bought from you yes- terday (I am the tallish customer who takes sixteen and a half by two and was in a hurry to get home to dress) I found that your young man’s finger-marks were on it. Why don’t you make your assistants wear gloves when they han- dle collars ? é To A Minister or Reniaion. Your Far-FROM-SERENE GLOOMINESS, —Won’t you one day be a little cheer- ful, and wrong? Won't you send out a lifeboat to the wreck instead of watch- ing her through your smoked field- glasses as she sinks? What you seem to forget is that most people at times are their own Gloomy Deans: someofus too often; and there can be too much of a good thing. Hopelessness butters no parsnips and it is a mood not to be encouraged or the world would be as bad as we then think it. Gloomy- deaniness, though salutary for brief in- tervals, should be sparingly indulged is a Chinese proverb which says, “If you can’t smile don’t open a shop;” and, after all, St. Paul's Cathedral is in a manner of speaking a kind of shop, isn’t it ?—the goods, at any rate, should be obtainable there. The phrase “ there is no health in us” does not constitute the whole liturgy. Down with facile optimists by all means, but, my dear Sy _—— EK. Vy. L. NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. THe ERMINE. THE ermine is not quite as grand as he sounds ; As a rule he is shot if he comes in the grounds ; You have seen him about by the mul- berry-tree, Though I very much doubt if you knew it was he. He is shot with a gun and hung up by the throat, For the ermine, my son, is the same as the stoat ; So when Auntie has got just a little more ermine You can tell her (or not) she is covered with vermin. A. P. Bi Another Impending Apology. “Col, was unable to be present, and altogether the event was highly successful, } Local Paper. ee

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_ PUNCH, OR THE Novemper 24, 1920.] ere LONDON CHARIVARI. First Pugilist. “You ’R& STANDING ON MY FOOT.” MORE NOTES FROM A SYNTHETIC COUNTRY DIARY. November 20th.—I have been much struck this morning by a remarkable instance of protective mimicry on the part of a grey squirrel, which assumes attitudes and adopts gestures which at a little distance render him almost indis- tinguishable from a small monkey. Warurre’s Selborne throws | no light on this strange phenomenon, which I can only | explain as a result on the animal world of the now fashion- able Tarzan cult, which so happily reconciles the old hostility | between apes and angels. 5 Of the habits and customs of the hedgehog mention has | already been made in these notes. It may be added that the whistle which these interesting creatures emit from time to time resembles the timbre of a muted piccolo, and their employment in a mixed orchestra is well worth the con- sideration af our younger and more enterprising composers. Another animal which shares with the hedgehog the de- fensive faculty of rolling itself up in a ball is the “pill millipede,” a myriopod with seventeen pairs of legs, but fortunately exempt from the necessity of wearing trousers, Which at present prices would impose an exorbitant demand On its resources. As winter draws on the evolutions of birds great and small are a never-ending source of surprise and delight. Many hooded crows are now to be seen consorting with the tooks in the field and swelling the sable multitude that flies at evensong towards the park trees. And great con- Sregations of plovers, curiously self-sufficing in their ability to dispense with the services of any feathered parson, lend ‘colour and subconscious uplift to marshland scenes, which Would otherwise look extremely triste. Ce enrnnen Sa = pS Ye \\ Wess Second Pugilist. “WELL, WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO ABOUT IT?” First Pugilist. “I'LL show you wuar [’LL DO ABOUT IT—FOR A PURSE OF TEN THOUSAND POUNDS AND THE CINEMA RIGHTS.” Small indigenous birds, such as titmice, chipmunks, pipits and squinches, are constantly seen in coveys or even bevies just now. A party of pipwinks visited my copse yesterday afternoon, and indulged in delicious morceaux of melody before the red sun sank starkly below the horizon. . ! As long as the weather remains open I find it a good plan to plant flowers and shrubs which bloom in the spring. | Proticipation is a cardinal asset in the outfit of the judicious gardener, and no time should be lost in completing the | spring beds, as the cost of hair-mattresses is going up by leaps and bounds. The Plague of Dots. THERE are decimal dots which we can’t do without In spite of Lord Ranpotrn’s historical flout ; There are dots too, with dashes combined, in the mode Familiar in Morse’s beneficent code ; While some British parents good reasons advance In favour of “dots” as they 're managed in Francs. Sut as for the writers disdainful of plots Who pepper their pages with plentiful dots, They must not complain if the critics of prose Disapprove of a practice which savours of pose, And, searching around for an adequate ér, Proclaim it a sign of a brain that is dotty. From an article on “ Back to Germany ” :— “The quiet, old-fashioned restaurants, where in the old days I have | seen field-marshals’ batons hanging up in the cloak-room, know them no more.”—Daily Paper. Nowadays the German Field-Marshal takes his baton into the dining-room to stir his soup. centimeter pi atcha at AA An ean sini as Rp eriltihmalinei ibn sibeTabisadalapesiaiiat tian atin samen aes

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ctssaliiaatstitlsiiedbiliiitttintnataiiltnLtitt tA!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 24, 1990,

AT THE PLAY. “Witt You Kiss Me?” Even before the era of Prohibition (there were cocktails in this play) strange things must have happened in | “God’s own country” under the banner

of the Bird of Freedom. But never so strange as the effects you get on the stage when very English people play at being Americans. You have to be rather young and unsophisticated if such phrases as “ He's putting it over on us,” or “I’m not going to stand for that,” generously peppered about the dialogue and recited in the purest of English accents, can persuade you to believe that you are getting the real local stuff. At the same time you accept cheerfully the most farcical con- ditions on the vague assumption that all things may be possible over there. So, when John W. Brook, of Fifth Avenue, millionaire, engaged the services of Alexander Y. Hedge, plenipotentiary representative of an Efficiency Company, to intro- duce economic reforms into his motherless household during his temporary absence, we regarded it as a most reasonable experiment. And for a time it made excellent fun. But after a while it began to wear thin for lack of fresh stim- ulus, and by the end of the Second Act there was a general feeling in the audience that something would have to be done about it. The same thought seems to have occurred to Mr. Crrm Harcovrrt, the author, and he started, a little late in the day, to introduce an element of sex-romance into what so far had been an absolutely bloodless proposition. But at first it was with sinister intent that Brook's elder daughter made advances to Alexander Y. Hedge. As soon as she could induce this monster of inhuman- ity to become a prey to her charm she would repulse him with scorn, and then he would have to go. The children’s allowances having been cut off on the ground that they did nothing to earn them, she offered her services as his paid secretary. “ Pro- pinquity” did its work and she was soon in a position to offer him the privilege of an experimental kiss, thus incidentally justifying the dreadful title of the play. The first, delivered on the cheek, was a wash-out; but the second, pressed home on the lips, had the desired effect. | Then she turned and rent him, telling him exactly what she thought of his treatment of the family. He replied with an eloquent philippic directed at

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the vices of a bloated aristocracy (this was the ante-bellum age, before things had been made so much safer for demo- cracy). Almost before the applause of the gallery had died down, the father burst upon the scene, furious at the re- port that this hired commercial had been making love to his daughter. Explanations follow which appease his wrath, and he is further mollified by the statement that the Master of Efh- ciency had cut down the expenses of his ménage by some nineteen thousand dollars. But why, when his feats of economy had all the time been the matter of his offence in the children’s eyes, the announcement of the total! < STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY, stride in obedience to Alexander Y. Hedge (Mn. DonaLp CaLrurop). should have favourably affected the girl’s heart I cannot say, and I don't think anybody else can. Yet the fact remains that the next moment she undertakes to marry the object of her previous loathing. To have arrived naturally at such an end would have meant a couple more Acts, in which the man Hedge might have had time to live down the evil effects of his efficiency. But with so much economy in the air the author appears to have caught the infection of it and economised in his processes to save our time. That is the kindest excuse | can find for him. As for the moral, it would seem to be that, if (as is more than probable) you have no copy of the works of ARISTOTLE in your Fifth Avenue library, and imagine, never having heard of the happy mean, that virtue lies in one of

vw Butler (Mr. C. V. France) lengthens his

two excesses—an excess of idle luxury or an excess of efficiency—the former is the one to choose. Mr. Donatp Canrurop as Hedge bore the burden of the play with a high hand that had a very sure touch. It was extraordinary with what alertness and confidence he commanded every situation—-except, of course, the absurd climax which nobody could hope to handle. Mr.C. V. France, as the Eng- lish butler (ex-clergyman) who had taken a long time to learn how to dis- figure his aspirates (out of deference to the American legend), gave a very fresh and attractive performance. Some of the best things in the dialogue—not always very humorous—were given to little Alice Brook (aged 14), one of those precocities for which

America has always held the world’s record. I don't know, and | should not think of asking, Miss | Ann Trevor's age, but she looked | to me a little old for the part of | this child, however precocious. Miss Marsorre Gorpon played | with intelligence as the elder sister, but never for a moment suggested a New York atmosphere. Indeed she adopted just the mincing kind | of speech which out there is held | to bewray the “ Britisher.” The only performance that made any real pretence of being American was that of Mr. TurnBULL as the man- uger of the Efficiency Company. Still, after all, local colour is no great matter so long as you get some recognisable aspect, though farcically presented, of human na- ture; but the trouble with this play is that while our sense of the probabilities is never too much outraged so long as the chief char- acter is just a piece of inhuman machinery, the author lapses into the incredible the moment he tries to introduce a little humanity into his scheme. However, I have perhaps taken things too seriously, instead of being properly grateful for some very good entertainment. 0. 5.

Fashions for Men. “Miss —— takes Orders for Knitted Skirts, Jerseys, and Hats to match. Also, Gent.'s Cardigan Coats and Hand-Painted Blouses. Scots Paper. “The Rev. W. E. —— based the subject of his discourse on ‘The Foolish Virgins.’ A large number were present.” South African Paper, We trust they were edified. “ The discovery of Saturn’s rings was made by Galileo in 1610 through his little refractory telescope.” — Welsh Paper. The difficulty with this kind of instru | ment is to make it shut up.

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PUNCH, OR THE Le November 24, 1920.) ————— ——— ALWAYS, WHEN GOING INTO KENNELS, FILL HIS PO OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) INeviTaBLy one’s first thought on sighting A Naval History of the War (Hopper anp StovauToy) is that he must be a brave skipper indeed who would take out a lone | ship, however excellently found, to cruise such controversial waters. But Sir Henry Newsort is an experienced hand, and, though (so to speak) one finds him at times conscious of Sir Junian Corser on the sky-line, he brings off his self-appointed task triumphantly. To drop metaphor, here is a temperate and clearly-written history, midway be- tween the technical and the popular, of a kind precisely suited to the plain man who wishes a comprehensive réswmé of the course of the War at sea. For this purpose its arrangement is admirable, the story being presented first im @ general survey under dates, then in special chapters devoted to episodes or aspects, e.g., Coronel and the Falk- lands (that unmatchable drama of disaster and revenge), the submarines and their countering, and finally Jutland. Throughout, as I have said, Sir Henry, having one of the st stories in the world to tell, is at pains to avoid any- thing that even remotely approaches fine writing. Only once have I even detected the literary man, when, in describ- ing the strange finish of the Kénigsberg, he permits himself the pleasure of calling it “the sea fight in the forest.” For the rest, the “strength and splendour” of England's greatest naval war are left to make their own impression. I shall be astonished if such a book, having figured brilliantly as a present this Christmas, is not treasured for generations as INDON CHARIVARL | oe 419 EXCITING EXPERIENCE OF A NEW M.F.H. WHO HAS BEEN ADVISED BY A FRIEND THAT HE SHOULD CKETS WITH BISCUITS. The name of Mrs. BeLLoc Lownpks on the outside would | alone have made me open From the Vasty Deep (Huten- | INSON) with a pleasant anticipation of creepiness, even without the generous measure of bogies depicted on the coloured wrapper. Having now read the story, | am bound to add (and I can only hope that Mrs. Lownpes will take iny admission for the compliment that it really is) that the net result has been one of slight disappointment. Briefly, I continue to prefer the writer as a criminal, rather than a psychic, * Fat Boy.” After all, once grant your ghost and anyone can conjure it, with appropriate circumstance, at the proper moments. Wyndfell Hall was full enough of ghosts, all ready to appear at the voluntary or involuntary instance of a young lady named Bubbles, who was one of the Christmas house-party and the owner of a rather un- comfortable gift of spook-raising. But beyond making themselves an occasional nuisance to the guests I couldn't find that the phantoms did anything practical to help along such plot as there was. Even the quite palpable fact that the host was at least a double murderer came to proof by the ordinary process of law rather than by any supernatural revelation. Before this I have gratefully owed to Mrs. Lownpes the raising of my remaining hairs like quills upon the fretful porcupine, but the ca’-canny bogies of her present story are too perfunctory to excuse even a shiver in any but the most unsophisticated reader. It may, I suppose, be accounted for righteousness to Major-General Sir Arcu1BpaLD Anson that in About Others and Myself (Murray) he is so little of an egotist as to a work of family reference in hundreds of British homes. convey searcely any impression of what manner of man he —— — ssneunictann stains iaesiaatiiiiliaesay aiaiiieiainmmeiassamtiasiinmtitetit tilt CAN Te a ——

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oe 420 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ————— [NovemBer 24, 1920, is or what he thinks of this or that. Much more clear from her quoted letters is the character of his grandmother, who vainly tried to keep the over-gallant First Gentleman of Europe out of mischief. Our autobiographer gives us a plain, blunt, not to say bald record of what must have been an interesting life. He was at Eton under Krate; a cadet at Woolwich, where he saw a gunner receive two hundred lashes; a gunnery subaltern in the Crimea, where he saw many queer and unedifying things; a successful administrator in Madagascar, Mauritius and Penang, and finally Governor of the Straits Settlements, with a K.C.M.G. and honourable.retirement to follow. But he is a man of action rather than words, and his faculty of observation is but too often exercised upon such slender matters as that “ Poor Captain Powlett met with a misfortune on the way Mr. B, Bennion follows the vogue for confidentially de- scriptive covers in announcing, as a title to his volume of angling reminiscences, that The Trout are Rising in England and South Africa (Lan®) and suggesting that here is ‘a book for slippered ease.” One is certainly warned not to expect anything very strenuous in its course, and indeed so placidly flow its waters that few, perhaps, but devotees of the craft will follow it to the end. Not but what there are meta- phoricat trout in it, too—enticing descriptions of bits of rivers, for instance—but on the whole they are easy- going fish that come to bank without showing very much sporting spirit. Here is no manual of precise information, though even old fishermen may gather a hint or two; nor yet a guide-book to the trout-streams of two continents; not even a collection of good stories, though anyone may to Kedah. His servant laid the dinner things on the deck of the gunboat, then went below for something and, coming up again, accidentally walked into the mid- dle of the crockery and glass, causing considerable destruc- tion.” Also, I think he quotes his testimonials — those never very candid and always very dull documents— much too freely. The best of the book is con- cerned with his administration work in Penang and district, where on the evidence he seems to have kept his end up with skill and no small zeal for good government, The title of Lady (Laura) TROUBRIDGE’S new novel, O Per- fect Love (MrTHven), applies to her V.C. hero only; with his wife it is a case of O Very Im- perfect Love. Jean Chartres isa common product of the age, the sort of girl that insists on “ hav- ing a good time” and “ living her life’ and “being herself’? (how well one knows the jargon!). Less common, let us hope, is - the woman who would desert her husband, as Jean did, be- cause the injuries he had re- WEALTH AIN'T SPOILT ’ER.” “T RAR SHE'S 'AD A LEGACY 0’ TWENTY POUNDS LEFT ER.” “Yrs, SHE 'AS. BuT ONE GOOD THING ABOUT 'ER IS, 'ER come across some old friends in it. The author's yarns indeed are numerous and, on the whole, as an angler’s yarns should be, picturesque. If he does seem to enjoy the rather feeble joke or incident as much as the other sort, that may be natural in a book of ease, whether slippered or not. Indeed one half sus- pects it is as a book for his own ease that the writer is mainly considering it, yet, taken in the right spiritand especially if you are an enticer of trout, it may be for your ease too. Of course, if you are not an angler and if your spirit is not right, the | slipper may not tit. In the course of a long study of detective fiction I have never met any sleuths with a gift of loquacity like that of Messrs. Corson and Gibbs, who during the first part of In the Onyz | Lobby (HopDER AND StouGHrToy) | make futile efforts to trace the murderer of Sir Herbert Binney, proprietor of Binney’s Buns. Sir Herbert had gone to New York to persuade his nephew to become the manager of an ceived in the War prevented him from giving her the kind of life for which she craved. Foolish rather than vicious, she drifts into a relationship which could have had only one conclusion, if her lover, tiring of platonics, had not prema- turely pressed his demands. Thoroughly scared by his violence she runs away and finds sanctuary with the “per- fect love” of the title. In this happy solution she had better fortune than she deserved. It is not every woman who has the good luck, when rushing blindly out of the House of Peril into the wintry night (in a ball-dress), to find—what had apparently escaped Jean's memory for the moment—that her faithful husband’s estate is in the imme- diate neighbourhood. Though Lady Trovsringe’s sense of style is not impeccable she can tell a good tale; her dialogue rings true and her characters are well observed. The trouble with most authors of Society novels is that either they know their subject but can’t write, or that they can write but know nothing of their subject. Lady Trousrince is one of the very few writers in this kind who both know their world and how to portray it. American branch of a Binney Bun factory, and, on returning late at night to his apart- ment-house, was stabbed to death. Fortunately Miss CaroLtyn WELLS seems to have grown as tired of them as [ did, and they give way to one Pennington Wise (whose name did not prepossess me in his favour) and his assistant, Zizi. This couple have the authentic sleuth-touch, and their detection of those implicated in the murder is a very ingenious piece of work. There isso much padding in this book that if Sir Herbert had worn a tithe of it no stabber could even have scratched him; but with judicious skip- ping it will wile away two or three idle hours. And, as I | said, the solution is a really skilful piece of work. Extract from an account of the unveiling of the portrait of Mr. ~ Pe, — “Tt was a happy idea to unveil the portrait in a neg PO . om.” vocal aper. But after the LevernutME-Jonn episode we ought to have been told whose was the happy idea, the artist's or the sitter's ? — Cm Lefts IT Wet lan anc the Lit oes se 6 wwe ere pewes © ty a ee A

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Cae December 1, 1920.) —_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 421 —_ CHARIVARIA. Accorvine to The Evening News, lambs have already put in an appear- ance in Dorset. People who expect the Port Laureate to rush to the spot will be bitterly disappointed. we «“ What was a golden eagle doing in Lincolnshire ?” asks “ L. G. M.” in The Daily Mail. We never answer these personal questions. — The Public Libraries Committee of West Ham has declined to purchase The Autobiography of Margot Asquith. It would just serve them right if the publisher sent them a copy. is being organised. It is hoped that this habit will ultimately bring down the high cost of travelling. The Hammersmith Council, says a news item, has placed an order for tiles in Belgium. Another shrewd stroke at the Sandringham hat. “Trade combinations,” declares Sir Rosert Horne, “are not responsible for the increased cost of living.” We agree. The struggle for our last shil- ling between the dogged -as-does-it butcher and the grocer who never knows when he is beaten is @ outrance. Next year is Census year, and people are kindly requested to be born early “ My lodger,” said a complainant at Clerkenwell Police Court, “ threatens to tear me up into pieces.” It was pointed out to him that this would be a breach of the law. During a duel on the cliffs near Boulogne one of the combatants delib- erately fired his revolver into the sea, whereupon the other immediately fired into the air. There seems to be no end to the dangers which beset submarine- sailors and airmen. A few days ago an angler at Southend- on-Sea fished up a silver chain purse containing four one-pound notes. His claim that a large leather wallet con- taining several fivers and a diamond Sir R. Bapen-PowELL recently declared that men contemplating matrimony would do well to notice whether their prospective brides gave an inside or an outside tread. We still maintain that the safest course is to remain sin- gle and not be trodden on either way. * £ * The report that a British soldier has re- cently discovered a gen- wine specimen of a small war, in which Mr. Winston CHURCHILL had no hand whatever, is now regarded as un- trustworthy. A Scotsman knocked down by a car in New ; ME AHT.” York was given a glass Son, “MUYVER, TELL ME OW FARVER GOT TER KNOW YER.” Mother, “Ose DYE I FELL INTO THE WATER AN’ 'E Son (thoughtfully). “H’m, THET'S FUNNY; 'E WON'T LET ME LEARN TER SWIM.” JUMPED IN AN’ FISHED jring broke the line and got away after a terrific struggle is being re- ceived with the usual caution. The many critics of the PostmastrrR-Gen- ERAL should remember that telephones are all right if people would only let them alone. Our heart goes out to the veteran philoso- pher who, when caught climbing apple-trees in a farmer’s orchard, pleaded that he had been tampering with a thyroid gland. * * Five million typhoid germs, the property of Mr. Joun GIBBON, are said to be at large in of water and quickly regained consciousness. He is now making inquiries concerning the num- ber of times one has to be knocked down in order to get a drop of spirit. * %& Sea-gulls have been observed near the Willesden public parks. It is assumed that they didn’t know it was Willesden. * * A clothing firm adve-tises suits to fit any figure. It is not known what eventually happened to the man who asked them to supply him with a suit for a figure round about thirty shillings. An express train recently crashed through the closed gates of a level- erossing in Yorkshire. As the driver did not pull up in order to see what damage he had done, it is supposed at he was originally a motorist. Another walk from London to Bri ghton eee in order to avoid the rush at the last moment. A new bathing-suit invented by an official of the Royal Army Clothing Department is claimed to make drown- ing impossible. It is said to fill a long- felt want among young kittens. Should this bathing-suit fail to save any person from drowning he can call at the office and have his money back. We are asked to deny the rumour said to be current in Manchester to the effect that the Pruwe MixisTER was contemplating publishing a Northern edition of his New World. “To be happy, marry a brown-eyed girl,” says The Daily Graphic. A cor- respondent writes to say that he mvari- ably does. Philadelphia, according to The Daily Express. One of them is said to have got away disguised as a measle. According to The Daily Mail a panic was recently caused in a Manchester tea-room by a rat which took refuge in the leg of a gentleman’s trousers. This may not mean that the need of a new style of rat-proof trouser has attracted the interest of Carmelite House publi- city agents, but we have our apprehen- sions. “Hard work will kill no one,” de- clares a literary editor. Most people, of course, prefer an occupation with a spice of danger about it. “ Madame ——-, Dressmaker, Milliner, and Ladies’ making paths, tree lifting; planting ; would suit nursery.”"—Provincial Paper. But would she do plain sowing ? VOR. CLIX,

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ay nee THE STANDARD GOLF-BALL. I po not want a standard ball, So many to the pound; Whether its girth is trim and svelte Or built to take an out-size belt, I hardly seem to care at all So long as it is round. But it appears to my poor wit That we might well contrive A means by which the merest babe Would hold his own with Mircne.tr (Abr), If we could have a standard hit (Especially the drive). I want a limit made to bar The unrestricted whack (A hundred yards I think should be The length on which we might agree), And if you pushed the ball too far You'd have to bring it back. And I should love a standard Jie. A ball inside a cup Or latent under sand or whin Hampers my progress toward the pin It would improve my game if | Could lift and tee it up. But most, when tongues of golfers way, Talking their dreadful shop Of rotten luck and stymies laid And chip-approaches, TayLor-made Oh, then I want a standard gay To make the blighters stop. O. 5. THE LANGUAGE FOR LOGIC. “ Very well,” I said, “if Jones is laid up I'll go round myself.” Our French visitor chuckled quietly and then shrugged his shoulders by way of apology. “ Pardon,” he murmured with the most disarming polite- ness, “ but your English language it is so veray funny, and I ‘ave not yet become quite used to it. Is it not that it lack the accuracy, what you call the logic, of the French?” * Indeed,” I said, without the least interest. But my wife was all enthusiasm. She clapped her hands in delighted agreement. ‘“M.du Val is quite right, Dickie,” she said. “ We are a frightfully illogical lot, aren't we? | mean, the French are able to say just exactly what they mean.” “Your reinforcement, Madame, it completes my victory,” replied the Frenchman with a graceful gesture. “ Voyez, M'sieu’,” he added, turning to me, “ you ‘ave just said zat your friend is laid up, when the unfortunate truth is zat j is laid down, and because of zat you will encircle, sur- round, make a tour of your person.” “There, you see,” said my wife flatly, “it's all utterly illogical. Think how logical the French are.” ; “ Well, let us work it out,” I said in hearty agreement. “As a start I solemnly declare that the French are not so logical as they don’t think.” “ As they don’t think?” repeated my wife in surprise. “Ah!” I retorted, “ you are not so observant as you might not be. I was merely giving you a little French idiom, ‘logically’ and ‘ accurately done into English.’ " “ Mister,” I next asked our ally, “ your visit to England, will she be prolonged ?” 422 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {[DecemBer 1, 19920, * Who's the lady?” interrupted my wife. “M. du Val’s visit, of course, dear,” [informed her. “ You forget that the French are particularly logical with their genders.” “ M’sieu’!”” murmured the guest, rather puzzled. “ T asked,” I went on for M. du Val’s edification, “ because if you stay long enough you may have the pleasure of meeting the parents of Mistress my wife. They are coming to the house of us next month. His father is extremely anxious to see her daughter, whom he has not seen since his wedding ——” * Whom in the world are you talking about ?”” muttered my wife. “Monsieur will readily understand,” I said wickedly, “that I allude to my wife and their parents. : will bring his brother with them.” “* Her,’ you should say,” my wife put in with the suspicion ofasnap. ‘ There’s only Johnny and me.” “Tt was of Johnny I spoke,” I assured her. “ And, by the way, if you haven't heard the latest gossip it may in- terest you to hear that the young rascal has formed an attachment, and is very proud of her fiancée. She is an awfully pretty girl and quite athletic as well—in fact, his arm is not nearly so small as Johnny's isn’t, and his carriage is perfect. Their eyes are lovely, while a poet would rave about his. sweet nose, her rosebud mouth and their longs blacks hairs. Their shoes———”’ “Oh, stop!” cried my wife. “ You’re muddling me all up. Are you talking about Johnny or——” “Name of a pipe, my cabbage,” I said, determined to give her logic with swear-words and endearments as well, “where has your reasoning gone to? Any logical French- man would tell you at once that I wasn’t talking about Johnny, but about her girl. As I was saying, their shoes have each a dinky Gibson bow on her.” “ M’sieu’,” reflected M. du Val in his polite way, “1 begin to think zat you are getting ze advantage over me.”’ “Don't take any notice of him, Mosseer,” pleaded my wife indignantly; * he’s only pulling your leg.’ “Pulling my ?” The Frenchman cogitated for a minute; then he understood afd smiled in a superior way again. ‘All the same,” he murmured quietly, “we French ‘ave not all ze illogicalness, n'est ce pas?” “Not quite all,” I cheerfully agreed. “ By the way, would you like to come with us this afternoon to the great Review in Hyde Park? Her Majesty the Kine will be there, also the QUEEN and very likely His Royal Highness Princess MaAary——”’ | hope they “1 come wiz muchness of pleasure,” assented our guest very hurriedly. Then, being a thorough little sportsman, he added with a bow :— “If M’sieu’ could persuade ‘er wife to wear 'is new ‘at, so veray charming?” Another Apology Wanted. “AN ATTRACTIVE EVENT AT -— CHAPEL. Lapy ABSENT For First Time For Firry Years.” Provincial Paper. “Dogs frequently go straight to destruction in this way, but an official of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Animals told an Evening News representative he did not think they had suicidal intentions.” Evening News. If they had there would be less need for the Society. “ Persian Rugs for Sale by gentleman recently returned from Persia; various designs, old and modern; no dealers; preferably after six evenings,” — Daily Paper. ; This gentleman seems to have brought back with him the methods of the Oriental bazaar. Six evenings is about the average time for adjusting a bargain.

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| i j i ’ ’ : | | | : | | | renowned as a horseman. 424 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [December 1, 1920, , SP bain rT aa hres 4% Ps ae o NATTA RITES Sssteea 1 Hate, WW ae TER Cie ea UTR mae WL Ra eg pee ESP EE Wt | KIM (et ae ~ | HL —— ; "hk, : ‘ 1 Parent (afier tour of inspection of Art school). “Yes, | ruink THIS WILL po, I’LI SEEMS GOOD,” Fails gg ees EPP UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS. [V.—Dr. Appison. Tue ridiculous tradition of govern- ment by K.C.’s has for some time past been broken down, and quite a number of our present Ministers have never taken silk in their lives, except from cocoons in a match-box. There is at least one business man in the Cabinet, and even the Lorp CHANCELLOR, great lawyer though he is, is almost equally “He sits | the Woolsack,” a hard-riding Peer has | said of him, “almost as though he were | part or i.” Of this tendency to break away from the Bar Dr. Appison is one of the plea- santest examples. We Englishmen surely owe as much to our great physi- cians as to our great lawyers, and in some cases indeed the fees are even higher. After the Demosthenic periods and Ciceronian verbosity of some of our previous rulers Dr. Appison’s bright bedside manner with an ailing or mori- bund Bill is a refreshing spectacle. The shrewd face utder the shock of white hair is too well known to need descrip- stethoscope, are equally familiar. Nor is there wanting in Dr. Appison that touch of firmness which is so necessary to a good practitioner and in his case comes partly, nodoubt, from his Lincoln shire origin, for he was born in the county which has already produced such men as Sir Isaac Newton, the late Lord Tennyson, M. Wortn of Paris, the present Governor of South Aus- tralia and Herewarp THE WAKE. None but the robustest of officials is allowed to direct the affairs of the new Ministry of Health. The patron saint of its Chief is St. Pancreas and his eu- pepsia is reflected in his subordinates. His junior clerks whistle continuously, his liftmen yodel, his typists sing. Of his own official methods I have been privi- leged to obtain the report of an eye-wit- ness. Let us suppose that, as frequently happens, a deputation of disappointed house-hunters has arrived to see him. Leader of Deputation. We want houses and we won't wait. Dr. Addison (tapping his forehead and glancing significantly at his Private Sec- \ ~ = =“ ~ SEND MY DAUGHTER HERE, YOUR VENTI! \N tion. The small black bag and the slight | retary). Tek, tck! That’s very serious. bulge in the top-hat, caused by the} Wallis Mi Shall we feel the pulse ? Leader of Deputation) tts hishand out. Private Secretary takes out his watch. pse. Dr. Addison. Do you take much walking exercise ? Leader of Deputation. No. Dr. Addison. Ah, 1 thought as much. ‘ After breakfast walk a mile After dinner rest awhile.” What you need is a good sound const tutional every morning. houses, of course there is no objection to your looking at them. But keep on walking, mind; don’t loiter. And come back to me in a month’s time and we'll see how you are then. Exit Deputation, lookiny jhtly dazed. Almost equally successful is Dr. Ap- DisoN’s professional method in dealing with representatives of the Building Trades Unions. A bricklayers’ leader, let us say, has expounded at great length the technical difficulties which prevent rapidity of construction. Dr. Addison (softly and suddenly). Take a deep breath. (Bricklayer takes Sirty SCC nd CLApPSE f you seé any att su et es = os

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December 1, 1920.)

———— Ss it.) Say ninety-nine ! (Bricklayer tries hard.) Where do you feel the pain ? Bricklayer. In the shoulders and arms. Dr. Addison. Tck, tek, we must go easy. Don't take it too quickly, and we'll have you right again before the year’s out. Try three bricks a day and come and see me in a month’s time. These, however, are not the only methods by which Dr. Appison has

PUNCH, OR THE LON

attempted to remedy the crisis. At his} suggestion a permanent sub-committee | of the Cabinet, called “The Happy | Homes for Heroes’ Panel,’ was ap- pointed, and it was during one of its sessions that the bright idea of Hous- ing Bonds was originated, 1 believe by Sir ALrrep Monp. If the campaign has not met with the success which it deserves, the cause is probably to be found in the slightly unfortunate title whose assonance suggests to the public mind the “‘ House of Bondage” in the Psalms. It would have been better, |

think, to adopt Mr. Austen CHAMBER- LAIN’S suggestion, which was “ The! Cosy Cot Combine.” However, things are not as bad as | they might seem, and outside one large | suburb the other day I observed a gang | of bricklayers actually in operation, | anxiously hovered over by a clerk from | the Ministry, thermometer in hand. Ithink I have forgotten to mention in | this brief sketch that Dr. Apprson has | aframe of iron. Since I have said it| of all the other Cabinet Ministers of | whom | have spoken, I ought certainly | to say it of Dr. Appison too. Like} Mr. Liuoyp Groras, like Mr. Winston | Cuvrcuitt, like Sir Er1c Gepprs, the Minister or HEALTH AND HovsinG has a frame of iron. All that he really needs is the concrete. Kk.

ELEGIA MACCHERONICA. [We print as it reaches us this strange in- coherent ejaculatory effusion, signed ‘‘ A Lover of the Old Italian Opera.’’ With the general spirit of this valediction it is possible to feel a certain amount of sympathy, but the author 1s Clearly inaccurate in including amongst the bygone glories of the institution which he deplores places, persons, musical and even culinary features which are by no means obsolete. We confess also to grave misgiving 48 to the purity of the writer's style, which in some lines seems to smack more of the debased Anglo-Italian of Soho than the crystal-clarity of the Tuscan of Carducci. } O TEMP! passati ! PAGANI, FRAscaTI, Mascaani, SGAMBATI O Asti spumante! O scena cantante! Polenta, risotto, O contra-fagotto! Sordini, spaghetti, BExxint, confetti.

O cioppo dal grillo! ee

ALL TIP-TOP AN’ PRE-WAR, MIND YER.”

SSSA WTAE

u (showing acquaintance his house,“ ancestors,” etc ). “An ! AN’ THEY ‘RI

Barbiére, “* Di tanti,” O fiaschi di Chianti! O dolce solfeggio! O caro arpeggio! Salsiccia con veggio! O lingua Toscana! O boeca Romana! O voce di petto! Rigoletto, Masetto, Stringendo e stretto, O notte di festa! EF, poi mal di testa. O Caffé di Garrt! O Pasta! O Parti! O Parti! O Pasta! O Brava! O Basta! O danza San Vitro! Clemenza di Tito,

CamiLLo Boito, Sarastro, “ Qui sdegno,” Da capo, dal segno, Anant, ALBONI! TrREBELLI, GARDONTI! O coloratura ! O bella bravura ! O “Salve dimora!”’ O Norma, Dinorah ! O lunga cadenza Senza desinenza, O tempo rubato! Strumenti a fiato! O pingue contralto! O ponte di Rialto! O basso profondo! O fine del mondo! O “voi che sapete ! ”"— PER SEMPRE VALETE!

<crage mapmasennsintaei PSE Seas.

one SES

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426 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON RACING AS A BUSINESS. {The kind of article which one may confi- dently look for in the sporting columns of a penny newspaper at this time of the year.) From the very beginning of the season | have insisted that our objective should be “the winter’s keep.” Those who have stuck to me all along and played my system are on velvet. During the flat-racing year I have given ahundred-and-fourteen selections. Let me just tabulate the results; I like tabulating, for it fills my column in no | time. Selections. Won. Second. Third. Unplaced. 114 5 8 1 100 N.B.—Non-starters neglected. The above is a statement of which I may well be proud. I assert with con- fidence that few sporting journalists can show anything like this record. Certain captious correspondents like ‘O. T.” and “ Disgusted ” have pointed out that my selections during this period show a loss of £104 9s. 114d. on a flat stake of £1. All I can say is | that people who bet increasing stakes are increasing, while people who bet | flat stakes are—— Well, that disposes 'of “ Disgusted ”’ and “Q.T.” My readers know that my system is to have the minimum stake on the losers and the maximum stake on the winners. We shall never attain that abstract per- fection, but we should keep this ideal before us. I believe in idealism ; it pays. Take yesterday's selections, for in- stance. Here they are, with results tabulated : 1:00 Breathing Tim Unplaced, 1:30 Taddenham Unplaced, 2°00 Aminta I. Unplaced 2°30 Giddy Gertie . . Non-starter. 8.00 Transformation . 3.80 Likely Case Won—20 to 1 on. That I consider a highly successful day’s racing, provided your stakes were proportionally placed; and here again I must insist on my principle of maxi- mum and minimum stakes. Let us suppose, as naturally most of my readers did, that a backer went to the course with a bookmaker’s credit of twenty thousand pounds and a thou- sand or so spare cash in his pocket Being a shrewd man he would place £1 on Breathing Time to win. (I daresay even “QO. T.” and “ Disgusted” did me the honour of following me so far.) On Taddenham, true to my principles, our backer would raise his stake to £1 10s. Aminta I. would carry £2, or £2 10s. if he were punting. But I cannot too strongly discourage this habit of making violent increases in stake ; gambling. Much better put on only £2 with a safe bookmaker, such as Mr. Bob Mowbray, of Conduit Street, whose advertisement appears elsewhere in our columns. Unplaced. it is almost To proceed, our haar finds to his relief that Giddy Gertie is a non-starter and retires to the refreshment bar for a bracer. The 2.30 race being run off he returns to the Ring for the serious business of the day. After examining Transformation in the paddock and lis- tening to the comments of the knowing ones—“ Too thick in the barrel,” ‘‘ Too long in the pastern,” ‘“‘ Too moth-eaten in the coat ’’—he will exercise caution and, instead of “ putting his shirt” on Transformation and plunging to the extent of, say, £5, will put up not more than £3 10s. and await the result with calmness. When Transformation is re- turned unplaced (or, as “QO, T.” “ Disgusted’ would say, “also ran’’) our backer is not abashed. Taking full advantage of his credit he places his twenty thousand on Likely Case, to- gether perhaps with the odd thousand or so in his pocket, being careful, how- ever, to ascertain that his return ticket is still safely in his possession. Our backer is shrewd enough to under- stand that thisisa case forthe maximum stake. Strong in his faith in my prin- ciple he sees Likely Case win with little surprise. Returning to Town that evening he re cords his day’s dealings in this manner; and Lost Won. a Ve £ s. d. Breathing Time . 1 0 O Taddenham 110 O Amintal. . 2 9 8 Giddy Gertie Transformation 810 O Likely Case. -- 1,000 0 0 Expenses : Re turn ticket entrances, three double Mme. tte... « 2:04 ~—— 10 O 4 1,000 0 0 10 O 4 salance . £989 19 8 I may mention that the official S.p. of 20 to 1 on Likely Case is distinctly cramped. On the course it was possible to obtain more generous terms and lay only 19 to 1 on. Thus one sportsman by careful ob- servance of my principle has stacked up a goodly array of chips towards his winter's keep. All this goes to show that if a man will bet sanely and avoid “ going for the gloves” he can make a modest competence on the Turf. * This afternoon the Vale Selling Plate of 300 sovs. is down for decision. To fill my space I cannot do better than give a list of PROBABLE STARTERS AND JOCKEYS. st. lb. Mayama . .. 9 7 Digby. Avignon. . . 9 8 Harris. Wise Uncte . 8 7 Holmes (O.) PERIWIG . 7 7 Benny. Beatts ... 7 O Peters, In Senperios, W weign- for-age races CHARIV AR L [DrceMBER A 1920. and so on | make it a rule to give 2 only one selection, but in a struggle of this importance I expect to receive a little more latitude. Of these, then, I take Mayana and Periwig to beat the field At the same time I feel strongly that Wise Uncle's form at Kempton was not correct, and that he will nearly win, if he can beat Beatus, who seems to be | let in nicely at 7 st. All the above will be triers, but it is doubtful whether any amount of trying will enable them n to | beat Avignon, whose chances I aim con- tent to support. I conclude by wishing my readers a good time over this race, NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. THe Worm. wn THE worms, worms, They keep on eating earth, And always in the grossest terms Complain about their birth They have no eyes, they have no eyes, They cannot read a book ; 1 wonder if they realise What dreadful things they look the worms, the wrigely The trowel cuts them quite in hall, It is a bitter cup; They give a sour sardonic laugh And sew the pieces up ; They sew them up and wind away With ‘see ming unconcern, But oh, be care ful ! one fine day I hear the worm will turn. And though Idon’t know what | know what reptiles are ; They love to make unpleasant scenes When people go too far ; However calm he seems to be When only cut in two, [f you go cutting him in three I don’t know what he’d do! ALP, Effect of the Greek Imbroglio. “ Asked why The Daily Mail had been asked to send a representative, Mr. MacSweeney stated that Mr. MacCormack had cancelled an agreement with his agent, which meant the cancellatino of a number of provincial engage- ments.”— Daily I it means, ’aper. “AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ) "0 ce 25 MARGOT ASQUITH. j POLY. PRIC | With 43 Illustrations. A Noan's ARK | With a real educational interest. Education | without effort. Containing 25 animals, all | perfectly drawn.”—Advt. in Glasgow Paper. | Not at all a bad dese Hiption. “The Oxford University forwards created a very favourable impression against Major Stanley’s XV. at Oxford yesterday, and were not to blame for the defeat of the University by 2 placed girls . , ."—Daily Paper. Here’s to the maidens of STaNLey’s XV.!

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a ) Deceworn 1, 1990) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MELLO SMITH YOU DONT MEAN TO SAY — - THE HANDY LITTLE CAR.

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, and punitive. the orchestra does its job and to put the | 428 PUN ‘CH, _OR a, THE LON ‘DON CHARIV ART THE PLACE OF THE TROMBONE IN THE BAND. Wuen I speak of the place of the trombone in the band I am not referring to his site or locality. That is for the conductor to settle. M y purpose is to give an intelligent reply tothe oft-quoted | query, “ Why the trombone ?’ Everybody knows that it is not in the band for musical purposes. It is not a musicalinstrument. The man whocould | extract music from a trombone could get grapes out of a coal-mine. No, its raison d’étre is mostly critical It is there to see that fear of a hectic hereafter into the man | who is out of step with his fellow- con- | spire ators. pe | the difficulties of con- The uninformed}! have a vague idea that the conductor should do that with his little stick. But I put it to | you, what use would a | little stick be against a | man likethe big drum? | A meat -axe would have some point, but | ducting with a meat- axe will be obvious to even the least musical. | When the French | horn, in the throes of | aliverattack, sees sup- plementary spots on the score and plays them with abandon, or when the clarionet (or clarinet), having ipadvertently sucked | down a fly which in an adventurous mood Press Photographer (to perfect stranger pe pular personage). * DELSSOHN’S or GLUCKSTEIN's “* W edding | | March.” The effect on an orchestra is immediate and immense. Somewhere behind each of these stiff shirt-fronts beats a heart that thrills at every sug- gestion of romance. - It is well known that, when at intervals during a per- formance they retire through the man-| breakfast in unmareelled hair, of the hole under the stage, it is to imbibe|man dropping cigarette-ash on the best another chapter of Ermer M. Deu or}carpet, of double lof “ Harried Hannah, the Bloomsbury | family, Bride.” And-so the lingering embrace | his wandering off to golf or t lof the lovers sets them tingling and | and a host of other | they tackle the “ Wedding March” at| A reaction takes place among the ithe double. The clarionet (or clarinet) | audience. Men who had been a moment | wipes the tears from his eyes and puts | before estimating the price of a diamor a sob in his rendering; the cornet un-| ring turn their thoughts to two-strol perform the marriage ceremony there and then. But the trombone introduces the hard practical note, the nece ssary Col rective. to remind the audience of mar it is lived in real life, of the girl at lage US income-tax, of her incide ntals. His monotonous grunt is used | of his, of her bills for frocks. of | iswallows his mouthpiece and, 2d vee ge: oe and girls deci de that ‘his under-jaw well jutted out, decide love i in a cottage is an over- ri ed pas ee ck ws ~ | time “especially when ‘f pewagian: ysorg the cot- Ly | tage and decide to Wait a few vears till a | house or two has been built. | That is the chief | function ot the trom. | | bone to pursue those | who are wand ein lthe clouds and bring them to eart!] hoa crash. The Triumphs of Art. ‘Woman S : IN THE KR Botsuevisy | Times” *‘ Rhodes bowled Ryder for a duck, and off h |very next ull he got Moyes sma! by Dolphin at } while arranging group on departure of : ' { 1 ] , AND CHEER.’ HoLp YOUR HAT UP has strolled into one of those little holes in the instrument, coughs himself half out of his evening clothes, does the con- ductor forsake his air of austerity and use language unbefitting a solemn occa- sion? Does he pick up his music-stand and hurl it at the offender? He does not. It would be a breach of etiquette. He simply signals to the trombone, who promptly turns the exit part of his instrument on the culprit and gives a bray that makes the unfortunate man’s shirt-front crumple up like a concertina. That is discipline. Then again the trombone is employed as a sort of brake when in a moment of excitement the rest of the orchestra has a tendency to overdo things. For example, all will remember the | throbbing moment at the end of the drama, where the hero and _ heroine, murmuring ‘At last!" fall into each other's arms and move slowly off the ___!|DonPrHIn must have |to put a jerk in it; the piccolo pickles | ‘the long arm of coincidence.’ with furious enthusiasm; the ‘cello puts his instrument in top-gear with his left “Letrs Crash wu Pores hand and saws aw: vy violently with the} ,, ? , Japan ( ’ other; the triangle, who has fallen | No, don't let’s, cnr whe into a Euclidian dream, sits | eiAiteies wets vm eR titan eacine tale up and gets a move on; the stevedore | w; inter yeste day .”—Daily haw, —no, no, that is the next chapter ae ; | acquired ‘ aoe $s seasons seem to he hopelessly intermingled. oatting oboe, the French horn, the kettledrum, tie the euphonium, the timbrel, the hautboy ashes—all get a g proscenium, the , the sackbut-and-| « Htl.—S. asp. Magnificently equip grip of the ground | ped.”—Daily Paper. with both feet and let her go. | Patronized by the late QueEN CLEOo- They try to depict golden lands of} papas. , radiant sunshine, where beautiful “To Ler, Furnished Bedroom, beard couples stroll hand-in-hand for ever}, ptional, terms moderate.”—Local Paper. and the voice of the turtle repk aces | Would suit almost any young shaver. that of the raucous vendor of the racing | edition. “A telephone call office has been opé ned at If they were allowed to have their | Mumps Post Office."—Oficial notice way the effect on the unmarried portion] Sunscriper. — Can of the audience would be to send them | Mumps? rushing out of the the atres and dragging | Orrerator.—No, but I have got a you give me stage whilst the band starts up MEn- registrars out of a sick-bed in order to} bad cold if that is any use to you. i : 3 3 0 Oo rs 2 = Bf ees i eal le

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NL EEE ii ots ali ai Has A 6 a Decemper 1, 1920.) PUNCH, OR URS \ Ve N \\ MY WEATHER-GUIDE. 4 WAS admiring Cripstock’s baro- meter. “Take it,” he said. “My dear Cripstock!” I exclaimed, as I pulled it from the wall. more of gratitude than of generosity. I have fastened it in my hall at the regulation distance from the hat-rack and between the assegais. It will be mice company for the dinner - gong, which it faces. I purposely did not place them side by side, for fear of any error in tapping. These delicate contrivances do not readily settle down in a new home, and for a week I ignored the barometer. This may have seemed unfriendly to a newcomer, yet surely it was kind not to observe any faults it might display during its novitiate. When on the Satur- day morning I serutinised it for the first time I saw it pointed to “Stormy.” 1 hastened over breakfast in order to get into the garden in time to fix up the starboard fence. After working fever- ishly for three hours, glancing at the sky at frequent intervals, I heard the Stet: “My dear fellow!” he replied, in tones | \ eh eRe re — wea WW \ N \ \\ \\ AY \\\\ ‘ atta \\ ‘ \\ at INGS YC HERI ie All clear ” signalled from a | window, the needle having swung round | to “Set Fair.” | There it remained for several days, a |} marvel of accuracy. My poor umbrella | began to wear a look of neglect, but |my walking-stick was jubilant. “ det Fair’ it was again on the Friday, and again I set out with my happy malacca. On my return wet through I had another proof of the excellence of my faithful aneroid. Its needle pointed imperatively to “Change.” This, in fact, I had already decided to do, but to a less careful man the.instruction must have been of inestimable advantage. LAND. another of the OUR “PROMISED” (An “explanation” of Premier's election “ promises.”’) My emotion I well can remember O’er a ‘‘ promise " that somewhere I ‘d seen One night, away back in December Anno Domini 1918. Happy tears in my orbs began wellin’ As I read how the England-to-be Would become a fit messuage to dwell in \ \ ANY\\\ \\\ “FORCE OF For heroes like me. AY *aBIT.” Refreshed by an access of ardour I returned to my business in town; But, as life seemed each day to grow harder, [ despaired of its joy and its crown; Till, fed up with a “tale” for poor Tommies, My temper I finally lost, And pronounced that oracular “ pro- mise A palpable trost. But I’ve tumbled at last to my error; For, although I am far from content, I know that this era of terror Is just what the Government meant ; When through England so bell-like and clear rose That eager, that passionate vow ; Since none but a race of real heroes Can live in it now. Commercial Candour. “ SirvaTions WANTED. Housemaid, unscrupulously clean.” Melbourne Argus. “Mr. Arthur Henderson, M.P., ha: added 24 stones to his stature since he left the nursing home in Leeds.”—Daily Mail, And three cubits to his weight.

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428 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [DecemBer 1, 1920 THE PLACE OF THE TROMBONE IN THE BAND. Wuewn I speak of the place of the trombone in the band I am not referring to his site or locality. That is for the conductor to settle. My purpose is to give an intelligent reply tothe oft-quoted query, “ Why the trombone?” Everybody knows that it is not in the band for musical purposes. It is not a musicalinstrument. Theman whocould extract music from a trombone could get grapes out of a coal-mine. No, its raison d’étre is mostly critical and punitive. It is there to see that the orchestra does its job and to put the fear of a hectic hereafter into the man spirators. l The uninformed| | have a vague idea that | i the conductor should do that with his little stick. But I put it to} | you, what use would a | | little stick be against a man likethe big drum ? A meat -axe would have some point, but the difficulties of con- ducting with a meat- axe will be obvious to even the least musical. When the French | horn, in the throes of | a liver attack, sees sup- | plementary spots on | the score and plays} them with abandon, | _ or when the clarionet | (or clarinet), having | ipadvertently sucked | down a fly which in | an adventurous mood | | | | | DELSSOHN’S or GLUCKSTEIN’s “ Wedding March.” The effect on an orchestra is immediate and immense. Somewhere behind each of these stiff shirt-fronts beats a heart that thrills at every sug- gestion of romance. - It is well known that, when at intervals during a per- formance they retire through the man- hole under the stage, it is to imbibe another chapter of Eruent M. Deu or of “ Harried Hannah, the Bloomsbury Bride.” And so the lingering embrace of the lovers sets them tingling and they tackle the ‘“ Wedding March” at the double. The clarionet (or clarinet) wipes the tears from his eyes and puts a sob in his rendering; the cornet un- swallows his mouthpiece and, getting who is out of step with his fellow-con- his under-jaw well jutted out, decides! love in a cottage is an over-rated pas perform the marriage cerem and then. But the ony there trombone introduces the rective. to remind the audience of marria | family, of his, of her bills for frocks. of his wandering off to golf or the club | and a host of other incidentals. | A reaction takes place among tl |audience. Men who had been a moment before estimating the price of adiamond ring turn their thoughts to two-stroke motor-bicycles, and girls decide that \ ge as it is lived in real life, of the girl at | breakfast in unmareelled hair. of the | . ° | | man dropping cigarette-ash on the best | rcarpet, of double income-tax, of her | Press Photographer (to perfect stranger while arranging qroup on depart popular personage). “ Hop YOUR HAT UP AND CHEER.” 5 | time—especially when (if lyou can’t get the cot- | tage ‘** Woman ScuLrror IN THE Kr BoutsHEvist | ‘“ Times” he ines * Rhodes bi i Ryder |for a duck, and off his very next t I.4-DowD- 20 Moyes smart! by Dolphin at p Iri Paper. bump | ture of sion? Does he pick up his music-stand and hurl it at the offender? He does not. It would be a breach of etiquette. He simply signals to the trombone, who promptly turns the exit part of his instrument on the culprit and gives a bray that makes the unfortunate man’s shirt-front crumple up like a concertina. That is discipline. Then again the trombone is employed as a sort of brake when in a moment of excitement the rest of the orchestra has a tendency to overdo things. For example, all will remember the throbbing moment at the end of the drama, where the hero and heroine, murmuring “ At last!’ fall into each other's arms and move slowly off the stage whilst the band starts up MEn- has strolled into one of those little holes | to in the instrument, coughs himself half | with furious enthusiasm; the ’cello puts out of his evening clothes, does the con- | his instrument in top-gear with his left ductor forsake his air of austerity and | hand and saws away violently with th use language unbefitting a solemn occa- | other ; put a jerk in it; the piccolo pickles the triangle, who has fallen perhaps into a Euclidian dream, sits up and gets a move on; the stevedore —no, no, that is the next chapter—the oboe, the French horn, the kettledrum, the euphonium, the proscenium, the timbrel, the hautboy, the sackbut-and- ashes—all get a grip of the ground with both feet and let her go. They try to depict golden lands of | radiant sunshine, where beautiful couples stroll hand-in-hand for ever and the voice of the turtle replaces | that of the raucous vendor of the racing | edition. If they were allowed to have their way the effect on the unmarried portion of the audience would be to send them DoLPHIN must have acquired “the long arm of coincidence.’ “Lerrs Crash wW@n Pores Japai No, don’t let’s. “Autumn made a lightning spring into winter yesterday.”— Daily Paper. England’s seasons seem to be getting hopelessly intermingled. Htl.—S. asp. Magnificently equip- ped.”— Daily Paper. Patronized by the late QuEEN CLEo- PATRA., “To Let, Furnished Bedroom, beard optional, terms moderate.”—Lox al Paper. Would suit almost any young shaver. vad telephone call office has been opened at Mumps Post Office.”"—Official notice SuBSCRIBER. — Can Mumps ? you give me rushing out of the theatres and dragging registrars out of a sick-bed in order to | Orrrator.—No, but I have got a bad cold if that is any use to you. and de e to | wait a few years till a house or two has been | built. That is the chief | function of the trom- | bone—to pursue those | who aro wand o in lthe clouds and bring | them to earth with a crash. The Triumphs of Art. | —aee, hard practical note, the necessary cor. | His monotonous grunt is used Li 0 ee ees ee Ss ee hm eC eC

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———— December 1, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, ANY | Wi Y 44 );/ Nae RNS ANd F \\ “WELL, AND W MY WEATHER-GUIDE. 4 was admiring Cripstock’s baro- meter. “Take it,” he said. “My dear Cripstock!” I exclaimed, as I pulled it from the wall. “My dear fellow!” he replied, in tones more of gratitude than of generosity. I have fastened it in my hall at the regulation distance from the hat-rack and between the assegais. It will be mice company for the dinner - gong, which it faces. I purposely did not place them side by side, for fear of any error In tapping. These delicate contrivances do not readily settle down in a new home, and for a week I ignored the barometer. This may have seemed unfriendly to a newcomer, yet surely it was kind not to observe any faults it might display during its novitiate. When on the Satur- day morning I serutinised it for the first time I saw it pointed to “Stormy.” I hastened over breakfast in order to get into the garden in time to fix up the starboard fence. After working fever- ishly for three hours, glancing at the sky at frequent intervals, I heard the neice \ VX \ \N Ae Reese \ \ \ iN \ \ HAT BRINGS YOU HERE AGAIN?” | « All clear” signalled from a back | window, the needle having swung round ito “ Set Fair.” There it remained for several days, a marvel of accuracy. My poor umbrella | began to wear a look of neglect, but | my walking-stick was jubilant. ‘“ Set | Fair’ it was again on the Friday, and again I set out with my happy malacca. On my return wet through I had | another proof of the excellence of my faithful aneroid. Its needle pointed imperatively to “Change.” This, in fact, I had already decided to do, but to a less careful man the.instruction must have been of inestimable advantage. OUR “PROMISED” LAND. (An “ explanation” of another of the PremieEn’s election “ promises.’’) My emotion I well can remember O’er a “promise” that somewhere I ’d seen One night, away back in December Anno Domini 1918. Happy tears in my orbs began wellin’ As I read how the England-to-be Would become a fit messuage to dwell in For heroes like me. NANA dad NY eal —— TR CAN \ AAA WY : \ @ \ \ h i PAIS AN AN Wi \ \\ NK \d AS “FORCE OF ’ABIT.” Refreshed by an access of ardour I returned to my business in town ; But, as life seemed each day to grow harder, ; I despaired of its joy and its crown; Till, fed up with a “tale” for poor Tommies, My temper I finally lost, And pronounced that oracular “ pro- mise A palpable frost. 3ut I’ve tumbled at last to my error ; For, although I am far from content, L know that this era of terror Is just what the Government meant ; When through England so bell-like and clear rose That eager, that passionate vow ; Since none but a race of real heroes Can live in it now. Commercial Candour. “ SirvaTions WANTED. Housemaid, unscrupulously clean.” Melbourne Argus. “Mr. Arthur Henderson, M.P., ha: added 2} stones to his stature since he left the nursing home in Leeds.”—Daily Mail, And three cubits to his weight.

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430 _PUNCH, 0 THE BROWN LADY. WE were talking of the sex, the dark and the fair, and “Give me,” he said, “a brunette every time.~ But | seldom one meets them now!” I expressed surprise at this. “Yes,” he said, “it is so. Plenty of women with dark hair, but not dark skins. The true brunette is very rare.”’ «“ T know one,” I said; “ probably the most perfect brunette in London.” “ Young ?’’ -he asked. « Yes,” I said. “Could I—would you take me to | see her?” he asked. “ Certainly,” I said. “ When?” he asked. “ Now,” I said; “this afternoon. But we must hurry. Her servants have orders not to let anyone in after four.”’ *“ You're sure she won't mind?” he asked. “ Absolutely,” I said. “My friends are hers. I’ve introduced lots of people to her and she's delighted.” He smiled blissfully. Having obtained a taxi I gave an how address in Regent's Park, but told the | HOW TO Al ‘* She loves sweets,” | explained, “They all do,” he replied, with the sententiousness of gallantry, as though | speaking from abysmal depths of know- ledge. “Yes, but she has a more catholic taste than most,’ I said. “She’s the only brunette—or, if it comes to that, the only blonde—I ever knew with a weakness for—well, I'll make you guess.” ‘ “ Preserved ginger?” he suggested. ‘* No,” I said. « American pop-corn ?”’ “ Not that 1 know,” I said. “Tell me,” he replied. “Condensed milk,” I said. “Good Heavens!” he exclaimed. “Condensed milk? That's the oddest thing I’ve ever heard.” “That's what I'm getting,” I said; “and it won't injure your chances with her if you take her a pot of honey.” ** But I don’t know her,” hesubmitted. “It doesn’t matter,” I said: “she’s the most unconventional creature in the world—just a child of nature.” R THE LONDON CHARIVARL. driver to stop at a shop on the way. PRACT NOTICE. “She ’s a Canadian, you see,” [ added “Oh, a Canadian,” he replied, as | though thatexplained everything. “And, by the way, what ’s her name “She lets me call her Winnie,” I said. ‘And what do I call her?” heasked. “ Well,” I said, “if I were you I'd | call her Winnie too. She'd love it.” | “This is extraordinarily interesting,’ | he replied. “ But you know I’m far | too shy to do a thing like that.’ Wien, however, the time came and we were shown into Winnie’s drawing- room in Mappin Terrace and the most adorable brown bear in captivity came lumbering towards us, he called her Winnie as naturally as her keeper does or any of the Canadian soldiers whose mascot she was, and he held the honey- pot for her until her tongue had ex- tracted every drop. She then clawed at his pocket for more. “T told you she'd like you,” I said. “Isn't she a pet? And a brunette all right? I didn’t deceive you.” “She's perfect,” he said. “ Abso- lutely the Queen of She-Bears.” And so say all good Zoologicians. “ Delicious!” he murmured. kK. V. L. Nae Ws I

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I.—Decemper 1, 1920.

A GERMAN INVASION. Herr Noan (to Frau Noah). “HERE WE ARE AGAIN—JUST HAPPENED!”

AS ‘ 5 IF

NOTHING

HAD

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“pb ltl a al i soaemenilnnen lanier enn aS ian: ean PRN nan Rape SENSIS RaRAI Ae -aateyom- nanotubes reat eS Sas:

ee ee ean

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eee | Mon | nately one’s | | not & Hous« | havin out b as the —————ee a Ss a le oe

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paar see Ne eee PUNCH, OR TI LK; December 1, 1920.) en 1 LONDON CHARIVARL 433 ——— antly produced a letter from his former ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, chief ae “my dear Lord Chan- Monday, November 22nd.— Fortu-| cellor” that “ Ulster” had come round nately or unfortunately; according to| to the view that “the best and only one’s point of view, this deponent was | solution of the question is to accept not a spectator of the fight in the} the present Bill and to endeavour to House of Commons this afternoon, work it loyally.” having been himself previously knocked| For the rest he minimised the temp- out by a catarrhal microbe possessing, | orary partition of Ireland and laid stress as the sporting journals say, “ a remark- |on the ultimate union to be effected by | ‘ 4 a a | the Council of Ireland: magnified the —e wo GY ips ie : | financial advantages—seven millions is ee (gt ae exe i. TROLS } Te i SN tg ee ag the sum he reckons Southern Ireland OF ee ee ee flrs Le tens | lin will ultimately have to play with—and hinted that they might be further stretched ‘if peace were offered to us by any body which was qualified to | speak for [rish opinion.” Hor a time little encouragement came Ta from the Lrish Peers. Lord Dunraven } moved the rejection of the Bill, on the iground that there could never be per- manent peace in Lreland until moderate opinion was behind the law, and that moderate opinion would not be satisfied without full financial Lord WILLOUGHBY DE Brokkr spoke as an unrepentant Unionist, and Lord Cran WILLIAM bluntly declared that the Irish | were one of those peoples who were ihe: junfit to govern themselyes and who had got to be governed. | The Dukeof Angrcorn, as an Ulster- IA LECTURE TO THE UPPER scHoot. |'2, supported the Bill, and Lord Hat. RR TERN EL | DANE gave an elegant exhibition of the military exercise known as “the balance |able punch.” He therefore gives the} step without advancing.” It was not | fracas an honourable miss. ithe Bill he would have drafted, and the | The Tariff Reformers were horrified | Government must pass it on their own | to hear from Sir Ropert Horne that| responsibility, Still he thought it nearly four hundred thousand pounds’ | should be given a chance. worth of clocks had been imported from In the Commons Sir ARrcHIBALD Germany this year. They were quite] WiLLIAMSON gave an account of the re- under the impression that when we]! markable transmigrations of the Egypt- wound up the Watch on the Rhine] ian G.H.Q., which within a few weeks clocks were included. was located at the Savoy Hotel, the They were still more surprised to} Abbassiah Barracksand the Eden Hotel. learn that without further legislation |‘ Each move was made from motives it is impossible for British parents,|of economy.” Sir ALFrep Mownp 1s when purchasing toys for their children, | understood to be most anxious to know to be sure that they are not the pro-|how this game is played. He can ductions of our late enemies. It would| manage the first moves all right, but appear that the famous label, “‘ Made in| never achieves a winning position. Germany,” which did so much to ad- Wednesday, November 24th -Those vertise the products of the Fatherland} who were fortunate enough to hear before the War, has now outlived its| Viscount Grey's speech on the Govern- usefulness; but the goods are coming| ment of Ireland sBill speak of it as on along just the same. a par with that which he delivered Tuesday, November 23rd.—Lord Birk-|as the spokesman of the nation on ENHEAD's complete recovery from his} August 3rd, 1914. To me it did not recent ear-trouble was attested by the} appear quite so plain and coherent; but easeand mastery of his speech in moving | who can be plain and coherent about the Second Reading of the Government | the Irish Question? Lord Grey thinks, of Ireland Bill. Some men in this situa-|for example, that if the Government tion might have been a little embar-| made a more liberal offer to Nationalist tassed by their past. But Sir Epwarp| Ireland the pressure of moderate opinion Carson’s erstwhile “ galloper”’ neither | would put an end to murders and out- forgot nor apologised for his daring|rages. But how would that moderate feats of horsemanship, and triumph-| opinion be able to overcome the ter- control. ——_—— rorism of the secret societies, which, as Lord Brycr told the Peers, have dogged every Irish patriotic movement since the eighteenth century and which will admit no compromise with the hated invader ? The debate was neatly summarised by Lord RissiespaLe, who said, “ We are all Home Rulers, but each of us thinks the other fellow’s brand is wrong.” The state of Ireland was at that moment being debated in the Commons, when Mr, Asqurru found himself sad- dled with the introduction of a motion which, while nominally blaming the [rish Executive, really accused the sol- diers and police of attacking the lives and property of innocent people. The awkwardness of the situation was re- flected in the terms of his indictment. At one moment the charge was that houses asd creameries were destroyed “without discrimination” between in- nocent and guilty; at the next the House was asked to note “ overwhelm- ing evidence of organisation.” His only suggestion for a remedy was that we should get into touch with “the real opinion of the great bulk of the Irish people,” but he did not indicate how it was to be done or what the opinion would be when you got to it. Sir Hamar GreENnwoop is quite clear that you won't get to it until you have crushed the murder-gang which is ter- rorising the great mass of the Southern Irish people, not excluding “ the intel- lectual leaders of Sinn Fein,” ff “Tf ‘, “The balance step without advancing.” Lorp HALDANE, Colonel Joux Warp cleverly re- modelled the resolution into a vote of thanks to the servants of the Crown in Ireland for their courage and devotion, and this was eventually adopted by 303 votes to 83. Thursday, November 25th.—For the i fi ee oes anmeossaneetenee| ar MOO 80 I. es

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434 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. eines, [DecemBER 1, 1920,

first time in its history the House of Lords gave a Second Reading to a Home Rule Bill for Ireland. Up to the very last the issue was in doubt, for Lord Mipieton’s motion that the debate should be adjourned for a fort- night, in order that a more generous financial scheme might be produced, attracted two classes of Peers—those who are resigned to Home Rule, but want a better brand, and those who won't have it at any price or in any shape. On the steps of the Throne sat the Prime Minister, whose humility in going no higher will doubtless receive favourable comment in Welsh pulpits. He was accompanied—lI will not say

shepherded—by Sir HamAR GREENWOOD and Sir Epwarp Carson. What signals, if any, passed between this triumvirate and the Woolsack I cannot say, but the fact remains that, after a brief chat with the Lorp CxanceLior, Lord Curzon came down heavily against the motion. An adjournment would be useless unless it produced peace. But could Lord Mipueron guarantee that even the most complete fiscal autonomy would satisfy Sinn Fein? If later on, when the Irish Parliaments were in operation, a demand came from a united Ireland, the Government would give it friendly consideration. Lord Mipie- Ton’s motion having been rejected by eighty-six votes, and Lord DunRAvEN’s by ninety, the Second Reading was agreed to without a division. In the Commons a final attempt to defeat the Agricultural Bill was made by the Farmers’ Party. Mr. Courr- HOPE declared that the Bill would

produce only doubt and uncertainty, whereas the farmer needed confidence, | a plant of slow growth (as we know on the authority of another statesman), which would not flourish under bureau- cratic supervision. Sir F. Bansury said the measure must end in national- isation, and he would prefer national- isation—cum proper compensation, of course—straight away. The surprising statement by a Labour Member, that the farmers had subsidised the nation to the extent of forty millions a year by selling at less than world-prices, may have helped to placate their champions, who had not quite realised what generous fellows they were, for only a dozen stalwarts carried their protest into the Division Lobby.

“Learn to be independent of domestics. In four months I undertake to train any young girl of good family, and willing to learn, as a thoroughly competent and economical Plain Cook. Live in as one of family. Three maids kept, Mrs, ——.”—Church Times. The advertiser seems to fight shy of her own medicine.

IMPROVING “HANSARD.” Ir Hansard would only introduce a little brightness into its bald and un- convincing narrative of Parliamentary procedure it would provide reading- matter which would grip the heart and stir the emotions, winning many new readers from the students of fiction and other light literature. Hansard will otherwise never find it worth while to organise sand-castle competitions for the little ones about its certified net sales. It suffers under the disadvantage of having no sporting expert, no front- rank descriptive writer and no specialist in the humanities (sometimes known as a sob-artist) on its staff. That is why

Lord Curzon.“ Lord W1LLOUGHBY DE BROKE still remained a magnificent relic of the Old Guard.”

it reports a soul-stirring incident in the following terms ?— “ Mr. X. struck out, and unintention- ally hit an hon. member (Mr. Y.), who was sitting in close proximity. Grave disorder having thus arisen, Mr. Speaker rose and ordered the suspen- sion of the sitting under Standing Order No. 21.” How differently the thing might have been done if put into competent hands. Would not something like the follow- ing (though far short of perfection, we admit) have been more acceptable to the general reader ? — Mr. X's erstwhile florid face paled. An ugly look invaded his features of normally classic beauty. Flinging off his braided morning-coat he flew at his opponent. Parrying with his right he brought his left well home

with a middle-and-off jab, tapping the claret—a pretty blow, whose only defect was that it struck the wrong face. Other honourable Members hastened to join the mélée. Pince-nez flew in every direction, toupées were disar- ranged, dental plates shook to their very foundations. The opposition pack worked well, displaying brilliant foot- work, tackling low and dodging neatly the dangerous cross-kicks of their opponents. The heel-work, while above 47 average, was too often below the elt.

Meanwhile the only lady Member present sat pale and bright-eyed, a silent spectator. Her mind, working rapidly, | sensed an impending catastrophe. What | could she do to emphasise the woman's | point of view? At the sight of blood | she nerved herself with a supreme | effort to remain in her place. Then, springing to action, she tore her dainty handkerehief into strips with which to provide the bandages which it seemed would inevitably be needed. At last silence reigned. The collar- studs were collected from the floor of the House and the few remaining Members breathlessly awaited the re- sumption of the sitting. As the hon. Member apologised every throat was dry, but most of the eyes were moist. The gracious acceptance of the apology moved strong men to weep aloud until called to order. And there, in the background, sat she whose woman's wit had shown the better way.

Commercial Menace. “Taxis for Hire. Boats and Trains met. Picnic and Wedding Parties promptly attended to and executed with reliability.”

“There were only 67 persons enjoying annual incomes of £200,000 or over m 1918, upon whom a tax of about £28,000,000 was levied.” — Daily Paper. What are we coming to! “THE GARDEN. Viotins.—For sale, several second-hand Violins.”—Local Paper. They should harmonize well with the violas in the next bed.

“Mr, —— (the bride’s brother) was at the organ, and played the ‘ Bridle March ’ (Lohen- grin).”—-Local Paper. While the happy pair were on their way to the halter. “ An advertisement in a morning paper for 20 laborers to do store work resulted in 400 applicants assembling in front of the Peter- sham P.O., where the advertiser had promised to meet them. To their intense disgust he failed to materialise. The general opinion 1s that the advertisement was a hoar.” Australian Paper.

A frost anyway.

im todos ash aft.

S < & Y = & g

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a Matai ad wanes ad eT December 1, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. =. | A SIXPENNY-BIT—PLAIN. “G.B.R.L.” G.B.R.L.’s are an old - established convention in my family. Joan and Pauline (‘‘ Porgie”’ libentius audit) are exceptional authorities on the animal world in general; exceptional, at any rate, for their years, which respectively total four-spot-six and two-spot-five. They confound their parents daily with questions relating to the habits of mar- mots or the language of kiwis. But they never talk about “lions,” toué court. A lion is, ex-officio and ipso facto, a Great-Big-Roarin’-Lion—always has been: in short, a G.B.R.L. : It reminds me of a man | know who was made a G.B.E.; but that's another story, and Joan wouldn’t see the joke of it anyhow, though I know she would smile politely. But in this matter of lions, from which I am tending to digress, the old G.B.R. convention has just been weighed in the balance and found wanting. It came about in this wise. Joan’s and Porgie’s Uncle Barney (his nose is rétroussé, if anything, only he had the misfortune to be born on St. Barnabas’ Day) de- parted the other day for Afric’s sunny shores—for Algiers, in fact—to nurse a tedious trench legacy. This, of course, was a matter of great concern to his nieces, In whose eyes he is distinctly of rsiflage and taste in confectionery. went into the nursery on the fateful Morning to break the sad news. My ee persona grata, owing to his command | UU fi THE USES OF GESTURE. ONE WBIRD PENNY—WITH APLOMB. daughters were at breakfast and I was just in timeto hear Joan's grace, “ Thank God for our b’ekfas’—and do make us The extremely sanctimonious tone in which this was delivered, com- bined with the melodramatic scowl which marred the usual serenity of Porgie’s countenance, convinced me that the morning had commenced in- auspiciously and that it would be well to gild the pill which I had to ad- minister. «“ Hallo, stout women,” I said cheer- fully. Joan looked politely bored but made no reply. “Not ‘tout wimmin,” said Porgie heavily and uncompromisingly. Ob- viously it was too early in the day for any of that sparkling back-chat for which my daughters are so justly famed. So I got down to hard tacks at once. “Your Uncle Barney,” I said, “is going to Algiers to-day.” ~ Texplained that Algiers was in Africa, where the black men come from. Joan was mildly intrigued. She opined that her Uncle Barney would follow the local customs (as she understood them) and wear no clothes. I said I doubted if his medical adviser would approve of his carrying international courtesy to such an extreme. Joan was frankly dis- appointed. So I tried again. — “TI expect he'll see some lions in Africa,” I suggested. Joan’s interest revived. “ Great-big- good.” | roarin’-lions,” she corrected me. Porgie expressed herself, as usual, in precisely similar terms. “Yes,” I said feelingly, “ great big roarers. I expect they'll eat him up quite soon.” Joan looked deeply concerned at this callous prediction, and the corners of Porgie’s mouth drooped ominously. ‘] don’t like roarin’ lions,” said Joan. “Don't nike roarin’ nions,” said Porgie. “ Are they in cages ?”’ suggested Joan hopefully. This was an excellent idea. “Of course they are,” I said with great heartiness. - Joan was not satisfied. ‘“ Will they roar when they see Uncle Barney?” she inquired. This gave me my chance most unex- pectedly. ‘I should just think they will,” I said. “If they see him dressed like your black men, they'll roar till the tears pour down their cheeks.” “T’spect they 'd be laughing at him,” said Joan, gracefully helping me-out. “I ’spect so,” I replied. “ T see,” said Joan comfortably. «“ T see,” said Porgie. So G.B.R.L. has come to have a new and a more genial significance, thanks to Uncle Barney. “Vacant Possession, through sickness.— Capital Chop, with good living accommoda- tion, in best business position.”—Daily Paper. Purchaser will acquire a steak in the country. Se ee SEO 5 io ay “ssl in albania ia a es cae aN SGA AAC Tae a oats nes

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436 \ Be lyarks etlite —— Fanny (thoroughly proficient). “OH, THAT'S AN EASY ONE, I’LL ‘MUVVER, THIS IS 'EAVEN!’” LORST LOOK AN’ SAY, PUNCH, OR = [k LONDON OHARIVAR, [DeceMBER 1, 1920, — ——— i hy ANOTHER CHILD ACTRESS. Mrs. Bluff (a popular pauper). “ Now, Fanny, WHat‘. INTO THE KIND LADY'S DRORIN’-ROOM? ” YER SAY WHEN I TAKES YER PUT ON A BEWTIFUL Mr. Punch’s Misquotations. Of a prima donna who sang in a private drawing-room : “ At a party she gave what was meant for mankind.” (GOLDSMITH). “Far-Pretcuep Hrerrinc. “The steam drifter Bruces landed at Buckie to-day the furthest-fetched catch of herrings on record. The herrings were caught on the Yarmouth grounds, over 4000 miles distant.” Scotch Paper. The last detail seems as far-fetched as the fish. “Lost, in Paragon Street or Station, Black Dog with purse, money, eyeglass and papers ; name and address inside.—Reward returning same.”— Daily Paper. But suppose vivisectionist ? the finder is an anti- There was a young lady named Janet, Who committed high treason in Thanet; She dressed up her cat In a De:ly Mel hat, And was promptly fired out of this ONE TOUCH OF DICKENS. Know1ne that there was everything jin my appearance to command respect, I went into the manager's room with confidence, Lean and brown and middle }aged, in a tweed coat and grey flannel | trousers, which, though not new, were | well cut, I felt that I looked like one from banks. There was no trying for effect, no effort, no tie-pin. The stick | I carried was a plain ash. The pipe, | which I removed from my mouth, had no- silver mounting. Ah, but it showed |the tiny mother-of-pearl star which stamped it as a Bungknoll. There was | going to be no difficulty here. **Good morning,” I said. to trouble a busy man over a small matter, but I wish to cash a cheque for ten pounds.” He was a quiet, capable-looking man with a rather tired expression. “The cashing of cheques,” he said, laying down his pipe, “is one item of our duties.” “ Unfortunately,” I continued, “I have run short of money. I bought a rather good print in a shop down the road and it has left me without any. I can give a cheque on Bilson’s, but banks in town close to-morrow and it would mean waiting three days, so I lope that you will be able to * You can bring someone to the identify you, of course”?”’ he said, reaching for a bell. ‘lam sorry tosay that lam unknown here. I am all right at the hotel, but I don’t like to ask the pe ple for |money. I have brought only a small |bag, and what with the races and so forth I might expose myself to a dis- ¢ | | agreeable refusal.” “Yes,” he said, “you might. But I’m afraid I can’t eash a cheque for | | you without an identification. 1 ‘Ilsend it for collection if you like.” “But that means waiting for days, and I haven't a shilling left. I came here for a week to look at the country about your town—a beautiful little town.”” I added this diplomatically. “Do you think so? I consider it a hole. But I don’t know much about it as I'm only here for a week. However, I’m sorry I can’t help you except in the way I mentioned.” “ But look here—do I look like the kind of man who plays tricks? Here is my card and my club address. And | letters ’"—I tore one out of an envelope, |but it was the one from Mosbyson’s reminding me that they had already applied twice for payment—“ but letters are of little use to identify one.’ “They are,” he agreed. accustomed to put in and take out sums | | | | | planet. “The fact is, among other things I tea a oc: S ra)

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Brel cierice shay Wit es ga Decemper 1, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | Lady (to applicant for situation « have just caught sight of. It may be snapped up at any moment, like the} one I snapped up yesterday.” “Let it go. It’s probably a fake.” | “Which one?” I said hotly. “The | /one I bought yesterday or the one I'm | | going to buy?” | “Both. ButIcan’t cash your cheque.’ | “But look at the mess I'll be in. | | Would you have me pawn my watch? "’| “T would not; neither would I have | | you not do so, if you take my meaning.” | | “Isee,” I said bitterly. “In plain | | words you are indifferent to my fate.” | He smiled slightly and reached for a | match to re-light his pipe. My blood was up. I would not be defied by this man; at least, not com- pletely. “ Very well,” I said coldly, “1 will leave my cheque for ten pounds ; With you and take only a couple on account,” “T couldn't do that either.” “ Well, a pound will have to do then.” Ro.” “Then,” I said in despair, “ we come to the ridiculously small amount of eighteenpence. Ha, ha!” “And that,” he answered, “ would be equally objectionable.” I started. “Come,” I said, “you are human after all. You can quote at random from Dickens, You read him?” ee s cook). “Have want to buy another print which I | CHARIVARI. YOU BEEN ness pursuits.” at the clock. “ Who was Mrs. Chickenstalker?”’ I He looked anxiously |asked sternly. “She kept a shop. In The Haunted Man.” ‘Whom did Mr. Wopsle marry ?’ “Nobody. But hadn't you better see about your watch?” “Not yet. How many glasses of punch did Mr, Pickwick drink on One Tree Hill?” ‘Depends on how you count them. I make it eight.” “Correct. Look here—have you thought about the bagman’s story—the first one? He says it is eighty years since the events he relates took place, and that would carry it back to 1747. And yet the traveller damns lis straps and whiskers. Why, if he’d worn strapped trousers and whiskers in those days he’d have had a mob after him.” “Yes, and he wouldn’t have been driving a gig on Marlborough downs. He'd have been riding with pistols in his holsters, wrapped in a horseman’s cloak and wearing a plain bobwig. I’ve thought of that too.” “IT see you have. But another : « Let me. Can you account for this? Martin Chuzzlewit left Mr. Pecksniff’s there ’s ACCUSTOMED 10 HAVE Cook. “IN THESE DAYS WE NEVER SPEAK OF HAVING PEOPLE ‘UNDER Us.’ Bur I HAVE HAD COLLEAGUES.” A KITCHEN-MAID UNDE! ou?” ;of November to be on the safe side. | He stays five weeks in London and | then goes to America—say another five j}weeks. Then, after a week in Major | Pawkins’ boarding-house, he goes to a | place which is identified as the original site of Cairo, Illinois—say another | week. This would land him there at \the end of February, when everything lis frozen stiff. But they travelled down the river in a heat that blistered every- thing it touched.” “No,” I said jealously, “I have not thought of that. Wonderful, isn’t if, how one likes to catch Dickens in a mistake? Like having a joke on a good old friend. “Exactly,” le said ardently, I had more time “If you're free and dine with me at the ‘Bull.’ At about eight, if you can.” “I'd like to very much. I'll come.” “T’ve thought of two more,” I said; “ but I'll go now, as you must be busy, so good-bye for the present. A bit before eight.” “I'll be there. I am rather busy just now. Good morning.” He rang the bell. ‘Ob, Mr. Jounce,” he said to the underling who appeared, “ will you please cash this gentleman’s cheque ?”’ “T wish “Ido. When not engaged in busi- | house in the late autumn—say the last this evening come | | | Thanks. | ne Sips cece cageaceaipesbatlinia sie ies apa eer cute anpainanetnanesitacie ti scicidasy uilaalinaeiiamen: oii abasic eialiateiaiacc alli cinaailint tie itlntgtaetntemnatcacecseiy ts ata mnt tr pee “oh Seep cnt al pe el a i i petit che a Ee A eter | ; i ia i ; } “4 if ae ia ; Pd ; hi ie Hl a ; iq } if : sf if i | ili ne tal ai baht

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438. AN UNLIKELY STORY. I am hoping very much that this story will, as Agony Column advertise- ments put it, meet the eye of a certain Professor at a certain Academy of Music. Of course I might tell it to him myself, as he happens to be my Professor, at least from 7 to 7.45 on Friday even- ings; but it is a story which involves a great deal of explanation and, well things on the whole get believed better in print. To be quite frank I did begin telling him at the time, but I saw that the first two words had destroyed his faith in the rest of it. I don’t really blame him, for it began with “my cleaner,” and 1 don’t suppose that he has the ghost of an idea that, if you teach cooking, as I do, under the London County Council, they kindly keep a charlady to wash up for you and so on, and they call her a “cleaner.” The Professor is a very bad listener. I might have managed to explain to him what a cleaner is, but I never could have made him see why she was having tea with me, so I gave it up. Really it is so simple. She lives at Cambridge Heath; I live at Croydon, which doesn't countrified but is really so mueh nicer that no Croydon people who knew Cambridge Heathers could help asking them to tea at least once a year, when the garden was at its best. My cleaner’s sound as she makes the garden seem at least four times its usual size by sheer ad- miration; but this year, just as she was getting into her stride, it began to rain, and we had to seek refuge by the piano. We sang ‘“ Where the Bee Sucks” and “ Anmie Laurie”’ very successfully, and she at last unthawed to the extent of remarking that she would give us a “chune,” though she “hadn't stood up”’ to sing by herself “for donkey's ears.” Stipulating that someone should help her out if the need arose, she investi- gated the inside of the piano-stool where the music lives, looking for a suitable song, and made, to her horror, the dis- covery that among all the odd pages it contained there was not one that had ever adhered to a piece called “The Maxeema,” nor yet to a song which asks how someone is “ Goin’ to keep ‘em down on the farm now they ’ve seen gay Paree?” [ The painful incident was passed over at the time, “The Long Trail" being discovered at the bottom of the pile and satisfactorily negotiated, and I forgot all about it until the next Friday evening, when, just as I was about to shake the dust of Cambridge Heath off | | visit is always very delightful, because | | i PUNCH, = my shoes, my cleaner, rising from her scrubbing, wiped her hands on her apron, produced two large limp sheets of white paper which resolved them- selves into the music I ought to have had and hadn't, and pressed them upon me with all the eagerness of a more than cheerful giver. A kind of panic seized me, for on Friday evenings I make the Academy of Music as it were a half-way house on my way Under the cleaner’s kind and beaming glance there was nothing to do but put them into the attaché case in which | carry my music and try to believe that, wonderful man as he is, even my Professor wouldn't be able to see inside it when it was shut, in fact that it only rested with me to be quite sure that in his presence [ only took out Chopin and not the gentleman who was interested in farm- ing. And I managed nicely. I took out the “ Nocturnes” and shut the case up home again before the cleverest (and nicest) of Professors could have guessed the company they were keeping, and he was graciously pleased to nod, instead of shaking his head, for most of the three-quarters of an hour. He really must have been pleased with me, for at 7.45 he told me that I marked improvement, and then kept ime till 7.49 while he explained that a | flair for the best of music such as I ex- | hibited was both uncommon and, from a Professor's point of jing enjoyable. At 7.50 | blushful | case. «“ Allow my Professor, reaching for it to replace Chopin; but I snatched it up before he could get it. Like most truly great men he is a little absent-minded, and he didn’t seem to notice anything, but just held out his hand in farewell. But when my Pro- fessor shakes hands it means niore than that; it means benediction, recognition, salutation—lots of things; for it is rumoured at the Academy that he never bestows that honour on any save those whom he regards as kindred spirits, acolytes at the altar of Music, per- sonalities, not pupils. exceed- he, benign, I we approached the attaché- view, me,” said And then my attaché-case opened itself quietly, after the manner of attaché-cases, and laid “’Ow’'re you goin’ to keep’em?”’ and “The Maxeema” right side up, and their names in such large print too, like an offering at his wonderful feet. Trembling at the knees I said :— “My cleaner gave them to me.” But he looked at me and went on looking, and that is why I hope so very much that he will read this very un- likely story. showed | LONDON CHARIVARL ey 1, 1920. PAY MORE FOR M.P.’S. (A perfectly horrible prospect.) Iv I were a Member of Parliament On a most inadequate stipend, p in an attic and worn and spent And wondering how to pay my rent, And sucking an old clay pipe end, [’d write to Bonar and Mr. Grorcar, Or the party Whips that ran ‘er ‘Unless you want me to steal o1 You must make those Treasury ) disgorge forge ae A thousand at least per annum, “Put it at that and make it free From AusTEN CHAMBERLAIN’S taxes, For the glory withers that used to be The sole reward of a stout M.P As the cost of everything waxes “ What-not and Coalitionist Equally crave the shilling For a pot of beer or an ounce of twi As they trudge to their homes through the mire and mist | From the long day's lobby-filling. * Radical joins Conservative In a concord wholly heart Wanting to know if the Stat An adequate wage upon whi And so does the National Party | | } “ And the boots of the Labour M: bers creak And a terrible ghastly pallor is On the Wee Free face asit tries to speak ; } But ah! what a change to ea inken | cheek If you put a bit more on our salaries! | “Shibboleths old to the wind we'd fling | And turn to the task that presses ; Sound reforms would go with a swing And we might have a chance of length- ening Those fearfully short recesses. “There'd be the chance to show your tact In welding the hostile sections ; Sworn and sealed in a mighty pact We'd put on the books the world’s best Act Abolishing all elections.” vor. * This beautiful opening line is not original. It is borrowed, with due acknowledgments, from a once famous music-hall song. From an article on “ History with- out Tears ” :— “There is no book that gives one a more comprehensive idea of the character of the Byzantine Empire, of the reasons for its decline and its disappearance, than Scott's ‘Count Robert of Sicily.’” Except perhaps Wrongfellow’s “ King Robert of Paris.” bins 6 alll St tic for

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*. R t i a December 1, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE aia Boy. “ First-RaTE, THANK YOU. BAID, ‘CaP, HALF-A-CROWN, PLEASE.’ ” LONDON CHARIVARI, 9 Sportsman (who has mounted boy for his first hunt in Ireland). “Wnt, HOw DID You GET ON?” I'LL GO IN A HARD HAT NEXT TIME, THOUGH, A FELLOW CAME UP TO ME AT THE MEET AND OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) A New novel by Antuony Horr certainly deserves in these days to be considered a literary event of some im- portance. His Lucinda (Hurcuinson) seems to me both in plot and treatment equal to the best of his work; as dignified and yet as lightly handled as anything he has given us in the past. The plot (which I must not betray) 8 excellent. From the moment when Julius, the narrator, making his leisurely way to the wedding of Lucinda, is passed by her alone in a taxicab going in an opposite direction, the interest of the intrigue never slackens. Into an epoch of rather “over-ripe” and messy fiction this essentially clean and well-ordered tale comes with an effect very refreshing and tonic. ANnTHony Hope's characters a8 ever are vigorously alive; in Lucinda herself he has drawn a heroine as charming as any in that long gallery that now stretches between her and the immortal Dolly. In short, those novel-readers who are (shall I say ?) begin- ning to demand the respect due to middle age will enjoy in these pages the threefold reward of present interest, retro- spection and a comforting sense that the literary judgment of their generation is here triumphantly vindicated in the eyes of unbelieving youth. What could be more pleasant ? It is a delight to welcome the Life of Mrs. R. L. Stevenson (Cuarro anp Winpus), not only for the excep- ional attraction of the environment in which she lived for many years, but because under any circumstances she Would have been a remarkable woman. Once, when asked ee to write her own life, she refused because it seemed to her like “a dazed rush on a railroad express;"’ she despaired of recovering ‘‘ the incidental memories.’ So it fell to her sister, Mrs. VAN Dre Grirt Sancuez, to undertake the task. A difficult one, for there was always the fear that the per- sonality of Mrs. StevENSON might seem to be overshadowed by that of her husband. But the author, in giving us many interesting details about Ropert Louis STEVENSON, has been careful to select for the most part only those in which his wife was closely concerned. ‘In my sister's character,” she writes, “there were many strange contradictions, and I think sometimes this was a part of her attraction, for even after knowing her for years one could always count on some surprise, some unexpected contrast which went far in making up her fascinating personality.” Contradictions undoubtedly were to be found in her; thus during her later years Mrs. STEVENSON intensely desired quietness and peace, and yet her love for change of scene never seemed to abate; but she was constant in her devotion as a wife and in her staunchness as a friend. Some excellent illustrations are included in this volume, and the only fault I have to find with it is that it lacks an index. In selecting his hero for No Defence (Hopper AnD Srovcrton) from the mutineers at the Nore, it may be admitted that Sir Gmpert Parker displayed a certain originality. With regard to the clow of his plot, however, I can hardly say so much. Melodramatic young lovers have (in fiction) gone to prison and worse rather than employ a defence involving distress to the ladies of their choice, from ages untold. Dyck Calhoon did it when he was cost a a

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440 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR IVARL ee [December 1, 1920. wrongly indicted for the killing of Erris een who was a traitor in the pay of France and incidentally the father of the heroine Sheila; though she knew nothing of this and would have been badly worried if the hazards of a defended murder case had brought it to light:. Do you call the motive sufficient? No more do I. However, Dyck goes to prison, emerging just in time to join the fleet and became a successful rebel under the Naval soviets esta- blished by Ricuarp Parker. Subsequently he takes his ship into action on the legitimate side, earns the quasi- pardon of exile on parole in Jamaica, finds a fortune of Spanish treasure, quells a black rising, is cleared of the murder charge (by the wholly preposterous arrival in the island of the now aged lady who had really done the deed —exactly like the finale of a GruBert and SULLIVAN opera) and marries the heroine. A breathless plot, by which, a —— Setma LacerLér, whose great novel, Gosta Berling, was awarded the Nobel Prize, and the Norwegian, Kyur Hamsun, whose extremely unpleasant book, Hunger, was published in this country a score of years ago, few if any of them have been made accessible to the average English reader. Now the Gyldendal Publishing Company of Copen- hagen has undertaken the neglected task of producing English translations of the best Scandinavian fiction, the latest of which is Guest the One-Eyed, by the Icelandic novelist, Gunnar Gunnarsson. It is not a particularly powerful narrative, and is marked by the characteristic inconsequence that tends to convert the Scandinay ian novel | into a mélange of family biographies; yet the author has been successful in weaving into his chapters some of the beauty and magic of his native land, lovely and forbidding however, my own pulse re- mained unquickened. To be brutally frank, indeed, the telling seemed to me wholly lacking in precisely the qualities of dash and erescendo required to carry off such a tale. Costume ro- mance that halts and looks backward soon loses my following. Airedales and collies, ac- cording to Lieut.-Colonel E. H. RicHarpson, are notable for a truly remarkable and admirable characteristic. They would honestly rather be at work than just playing round. All the same, no one guessed beforethe War what they, and many other kinds of dogs, were able and wil- ling to do for their country in emergency on guard and sentry duty, and, most of all, as battle-field messengers. Moreover it took the genius of the man who of all the world knows most of their mind to discover it. His book, British War Dogs — = LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI, by turns, and the charm and i simplicity of its people. So = 7when he makes Orman Orlygsson fling away the strenuous work of ten years and a promising career as a | great violinist to return to | a pastoral life on his father’s Iceland estates, the step seems neither strange nor unnatural. So with the per- | fectly villainous Sera Ketill, who at the culmination of unparalleled infamies sud- | denly repents and becomes the far-wandering and well- | beloved Guest, we do not feel anything strained in the author’s assumption that in Iceland, at any rate, such things easily happen. (west the One-Eyed is not a note- | worthy novel in the sense | that Gosta Berling was. | Yet one would not have missed reading it. | * Pig It is interesting to watch | heredity at play. Given | the inclination to write, | what kind of a first book should we get from the son of one of the most cul- (SKEFFINGTON), is neither very brilliantly written nor parti- cularly well arranged (it contains quite a lot of repetitions and a system of punctuation all its own), but it is of more than average interest. The author details the training of war-dogs —literally “all done by kindness ’—and records many thrill- ing exploits and heroisms of his friends. Further, he states at some length some rather attractive views on dog meta- physics, of which one need say no more than that, if you wish to. believe that your four-footed pal has a soul to be saved as well as a body to be patted, here is high to support you. I think what one misses pages is the dog’s own story. Without it one never see ms to get quite to grips with the subject. What were Major's thoughts and feelings, for instance, when carrying a message twelve miles i in an hour over all obstacles, dodging the shells as he ran? Not even Colonel Ricuarpson can find a way to get a personal interview out of him. authority all through these All the Scandinavian countries have in the last twe nty- five years produced novel-writers of power and distinction, but with the single exception of the Swedish authoress a tured and sensitive classi- cal scholars and translators of this or any day and from the grandson of the painter of the Legend of the Briar Rose? | The question is answered by Mr. Dents Mackatu’s What | Next ? (Joun Murray), which on examination turns out to be a farcical novel. The story has certain technical weak- nesses, but these are forgotten in the excitements of the chase, for the main theme is the tracking down of a coarse | capitalist who defrauded the hero of his fortune and did something very low against England. With the assistance of a new character in fiction, a super-valet, justice is done and we are all (except the coarse capitalist and his son) extremely happy. Mr. Mackart has invented some excellent scenes and he carries them off with gaiety and spirit. In his second book (and for the answer to What Next? we shall not, I imagine, have long to wait) he will amend certain little faults, not the least of which is a tendency to give us the most significant events in the form of retrospective nar- rative instead of letting us see them as they occu “‘ Bedroom Suiteand a reasonable Piano Wanted.”—P? ial Paper .| It mustn’t be “ overstrung.”’ =" Es res 7 " —— ges yi Aeattnta coded De \ meee so onpmrir> ag hy of

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— December 8, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDO CHARIVARIA. Lorp Rrmpe 4, in giving his impres- sion of President W1Lson, says that his trousers and boots were not in keeping with the smartness of his appearance above the table. This is where the trained habits of jourfialistic observa- tion come in. In answer to many inquiries we are unable to obtain confirmation of a rumour that Mr. CuHarure Cuarpuin’s contemplated retirement is connected with an invitation from Mr. Horatio Borromuey to enter the arena of British | politics. According to an evening paper the Westminster has “one son, > aboy.” On the other hand the Duke himself has two daughters, both girls. Over two million Chinese pigtails have been import- ed into the United States, where they will be used for straining soup, declares a Washington correspond- ent. The wartime curtail- ment of the moustache, it appears, has done away with the old custom of straining the soup after it comes to table. A police magistrate of Louisville, Kentucky, has been called upon to decide whether a man may marry his divorced wife’s mother. In our view the real ques- tion is whether, with a “i W “ty Matriage tie, it should not be made compulsory. Pa * “This morning,” says a recent issue of a Dublin paper, “ police visited Young Ireland ofiice and placed arretss- ssshrrr rr rr r h bfad mb shs under arrest.” Suspicion «was apparently aroused by his giving his name in the Erse tongue. ott * Enormous damage, says a cable, has n done by a water-spout which struck Tangier, Morocco, on Saturday. We note with satisfaction, on the other hand, that the water-spout which re- cently struck Scotland had no ill effects. * Every hotel in London taken over by he Government has now been given up. The idea of keeping one as a memento Was suggested, but Sir ALrrep Mono decided to throw in his hand. VOL, CLIX, N_ CHARIVARL. 44 _ Asked his profession last week a man is reported to have answered, * Daily Mail Reader.” + While a fire was being extinguished at Boston, Mass., recently the hose burst into flames. A country where that sort of thing occurs can afford to take Prohibition lying down. A Constantinople message states that a Turk named Zorn Meumep is one hundred and forty-six years of age. This is said to be due to the fact that for the last century or so he has kept a pot thyroid which he takes about on a chain. We have no wish to east any retlec- lady who has just become Duchess of | tion on the courage of the Prohibition Diary has been shelved for the present, owing to the difficulty of procuring actors for the more dangerously acro batic incidents. An old lady writes to us with refer- ence to wild-cat taxation that she has | always advocated it, but that she has understood that the difficulty was to determine the owners hip of these unfor- tunate vagrants. The new houses when ready, says a North of England Town Clerk, will only be let to those people who are married. We have felt all along that there was some catch about Dr. Appison’s hous- ing scheme. To a discreditable alien souree has "HAT IS YOUR H, "IM—’E'S LITTLE BROTHER CRYING A REG’LAR PESSIMIST, ‘E Is.” anout?” been traced the seandalous rumour that the disappeat ance of the summit of Mont Blane is due to certain Mr. Luoyp } GuorGE, who wished to } present their hero with jsomething in the nature | Ola permanent peroration. wimirers of \s a partial remedy for |the overcrowding at Ox- ||} ford, it is suggested that the University should come into line with Bat- tersea by making a rule that lost causes will not be kept longerthan threedays hefore being destroyed. x ‘IT was the anonymous person \ ho walked down Harley Street and counted the number of open win- | j | j j ! | j j | 'dows,”’ confesses Sir St view to securing the sanctity of the| ists, but we can draw our own conclu- | Criar Tuomson, M.D. So now we can sions from the fact that we hayen’t| concentrate on Junius and the Man in noticed them rushing to Ireland. A Denver newspaper points out that the “ Wild West bandit ’’ has died out. Our own impression was that he had got a job as a waiter in London. Things are settling down in America. A news report states that WILLARD Mack, the actor, bas only been divorced three times. * x « We have an innate modesty about advertising ourselves,” said Sir RoBERT Horne at the International Advertising Exhibition. A certain colleague of his in the Ministry is reported to have said that Sir Ropert can speak for himself in future. We understand that the idea of produe- ing a filmed version of Mrs. AsQuITH’s ithe Tron Mask. becoming much more polite, we read. They now catch pedes trians sideway s, instead of full Motorists ure on. According to an official of the R.S.P.C.A., as Punch informed us last week, dogs do not possess suicidal tendencies. Yet the other day we saw an over-fed poodle deliberately loitering outside a sausage factory. “The number of curates who seem to be able to find plenty of time fo: golf is most surprising, vorre- | spondent. We suppose the majority | of them employ vicars. | writes a corre- s | Spanish toreadors are on strike for a } higher wage. There is talk, we under- stand, of a six bull week. = SN DE SRS ESE SDI ia 2 SER REIS NBT iti hi

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442 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL eee [DecEMBER 8, 1920, THE DARK AGES. (Being reflections on the pre-press period.) [In The Times of December 2nd Lord Norruciirrr traces the history of the English Press from the appearance of the first news- paper uttered in English— A Corrant out of Germany,” imprinted at Amsterdam, December 2nd, 1620—and finds some difficulty in understanding how civilisation got on as well as it did through all those preceding centuries. To-pay (December 2) we keep, with cheers, The Tercentenary of the Press! Probing the darkness of the previous years I try, but try in vain, to guess How anybody lived before the birth Of this the Very Greatest Thing on Earth. You’d say it must have been a savage life. Men were content to eat and drink And spend the intervals in carnal strife With none to teach them how to think; They had no Vision and their minds were dense, Largely for lack of True “ Intelligence.” When a voleano burst or floods occurred No correspondent flashed the news; It came by rumour or a little bird, Devoid of editorial views; No leader let them know to what extent The blame should lie upon the Government And yet, when no one knew in those dumb days Exactly what was going on, Without reporters they contrived to raise The Pyramids and Parthenon ; Conrucius preached the Truth, and so did Pavt, Though neither of them got in print at all. It sounds ineredible that, when in Greece The peets sang to lyre or pipe, When Homer (say) threw off his little piece, Nobody put the thing in type; Even in days less barbarously rude Vinci, it seems, was never interviewed. And how did Danre manage to indite His admirable tale of Hell, Or Bvowarrori sculp his sombre “ Night” Without the kodak’s magic spell— No Press-photographer, a dream of tact, To snap the artist in the very act? Poor primitives, who groped amid the gloom And perished ere the dawn of day, Ere yet Publicity, with piercing boom, Had shown the world a better way; Before the age—so good for him that climbs— Now culminating in the Norrnucuirrr times. EEE Nae atte O. §. How to Brighten the Weather Forecasts. “ Mild and hazy conditions with increasing haze and cloudiness for an unfavourable change in the weather of heliot rope georgette over pale blue.’’—New Zealand Paper. We commend this to our own Meteorological Office. Of the Bishop-designate of Manchester :— “Head master of an important public school while yet in his teens . . . a permanent figure in social and religious movements , . the author of ‘ Men's Creatrix.’”"—Provincial Paper, We knew Canon Tempe had had a remarkable career, but confess that these details had hitherto escaped us. OUR LUCKY DIPPERS. tions of the extraordinary congruity between the prizes and the age, sex and station of the recipients. Mrs. Sarah Boakes, who received the colossal equestrian bronze statue of Lord THANET, weighing three hundred tons and valued at five thousand guineas, told our representative that the idea of getting one of the big prizes never entered into her head, and added, “I did not sleep a wink last night; the statue was in my mind the whole time.” Mrs, Boakes, an attractive elderly lady of some seventy-five summers, is engaged at a laundry at East Putney. The haulage of the statue to her home at 129, Arabella Road, |S.W. 15, is likely to be a costly affair; but Mrs. Boakes has {made an application for a grant-in-aid to the Ministry of | Health and has received a sympathetic reply from ‘Dr. Appison. The cost of reconstructing her house to enable the statue to be set up in her parlour is estimated at about £4,500. Mr. Jolyon Forsyth, who won the African elephant, is | a stoker on the South Western Railway and lives at Wor- |plesdon. He applied to the Company for a day’s leave in ‘order to ride his prize home; but his request was most j unwarrantably refused, and the matter is receiving the | earnest attention of the N.U.R. Mr. Forsyth informed our | representative that his wife keeps a small poultry run, and hopes that she will be able to make room for the new visitor without seriously incommoding her fowls. Failing that, he thinks that employment may be found for the elephant on the Worplesdon Links, either in rolling the greens or irrigating them with its trunk. The claims of the animal to an unemployment allowance are being considered by Dr. MACNAMARA. Gladys Gilkes, a bright-eyed child of six, living with her parents at 345, Beaverbrook Avenue, Harringay, who re- ceived a Sandringham opera-hat, is enduring her felicity with fortitude. “I have never been to the opera yet,” she naively remarked to our representative, ‘but my brother Bert plays beautifully on the concertina.” Great interest has been excited in the neighbourhood of Tulse Hill by the success of Mr. Enoch Pegler, the winner of the three-manual electric cathedral organ with sixty-four stops, the most sonorous instrument of its type yet con- structed by Messrs. Waghorn and Fogg, the famous organ- builders of Penge. A special piquancy is lent to the episode by the fact that Mr. Pegler, who is seventy-nine years of age and has long been a martyr to rheumatoid arthritis in both hands, belongs to the sect of the Silentiary Tolstoyans, who discountenance all music, whether sacred or profane. Mr. Pegler, it should be explained, authorised his grandniece, Miss Hester Wigglesworth, to put in for the Lucky Bag in his name, but, on the advice of the family physician, Dr. Parry Gorwick, the result has not yet been broken to him. Meanwhile, thanks to the tactful intervention of Sir Eric Geppes, the instrument has been temporarily housed in the Zoological Gardens, where daily recitals are given at meal- times by Dr. Cuatmers MircHett and other powerful exe- cutants. Unfortunately the organ was not yet installed at the time of the recent encounter between a lion and a tigress, otherwise the fatality would, in the opinion of Sir FREDERICK Bripce, have almost certainly been avoided, i | | | | j | j | i j | | When that my Judith sticks her slender nose In things whereon a lass doth ill to trench, An ever-widening breach my fancy shows, For this is but the thin end of the wench. FurtHer and final particulars of the drawings from the | Lucky Bag at the Purple City are replete with illustra. | Bh i har a aac ae aaa Soo ; |

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I. i. 46. IT. POLICY, ' 4 WILL J Ag ne I 4 Hexry \ Ne : ‘ 4 O! IT HE R.” ’ 4

GARTE

ANY CAUSE KNOT OF HIS

3 | 1 for) — oo = an a a >) Ye ww | ey jem _— iso <j = oO Zi © =) Zi = Ll TO ORDIAN AS HIM ( FAMILIAR LABOR OMNIA VINC “ TURN THE PUNCH, OR THE

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PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIV ART. (Dec EMBER &, 1920, 3 { fl a ik ji! } ii sli ik i \a ow! 1} | ae | \ | \ \ \ | \ | i i | Frank ~ FRtanelds The Girl. “1 DON’? THINK YOUR FRIEND CAN BE MUCH CLASS.” The Boy. “Wuy? > Wat's, THE MATTER WITH HIM | The Girl. “Wei, WHEN | INTRODUCED HIM TO MY FRIEND, SHE, OF COURSE, SAID, ‘PLEASED TO MEET YOU,’ AND HE § . Gaanret dD. UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS. V.—Tue Sizzues. [ cannot help it, but this article has got to begin with a short historical disquisition. Many people are puzzled to know why Lord Hueu Ceci. wears that worried look, and why Lord Ropert also looks so sad. Yet the explanation is sunple enough. It is because nobody can pronounce their surname. “Cessil,” says the man in the street (and being in a street is a thing that may happen | to anybody) as he sees the gaunt care- | worn figures going by. And when they | hear it the sensitive ear of the Crcius is wrung with torture at the sound. They wince. They would like to button- hole the man in the street and explain i to him, like the Ancient Mariner, all | about David Cyssell, the founder of | their line. David Cyssell, it seems, though he didn't quite catch the Nor- man Conquest and missed the Crusades, } and was a little bit late for the Wars , of the Roses, was nicely in time to get , a place in the train of Henry VIIL., which was quite early enough for a young man who firmly intended to be an ancestor. When he died his last words were, ‘ Rule England, my boys, but never never, never let the people call you ‘ Cessil,’”’ him dutifully Marquises and and his sons obeyed by becoming Earls and all that kind of thing, so that the trouble did not arise. But, of course, if you don’t happen to be the eldest son, the danger is still there. And it is this danger which has led Lord Hucur Crem to withdraw himself more and more into the com- pany of ecclesiastical dignitaries, who are accustomed to pronounce quite hard words, like chrysopras is and Abednego without turning a hair, if they have one, and Lord Roserr Crcin to confine his attention to the League of Nations, where all the people are foreigners and much too ignorant to pronounce any English name at all Personally I hold that, if it were not for this trouble about hearing their name said all wrong by people on omnibuses and even shouted all wrong by news- paper sellers, one of the Cecins might become Prime Minister some day. As it is they wear a look of sorro martyrdom, as if they were perfectly ready for the nearest stake; and 1 look, combined with their peculiar sw 3 name, has caused them to be not in 4 aptly known as The Sizzles. How very | 3 much better would it have been, my | 3 dear reader, if their great ancestor had | been simply called * David,” so that 3 they could have had a sunny simile and 3 not so many convictions. It is customary in speaking of the Sizzles to include some mention of thei more famous relative, Mr. Arruur BAL rour. Very well, then. Mr. ArrHur Batvour Born in 1873 the future Vice-Pres! dent of the Sheffield Chamber of Cc merce, Master Cutler and Chairman o the High-Speed Alloys Company, Lim ited, Widnes—— Editor. What the deuce are yi talking about ? Author: Llike that. It comes straiy out of What’s Which ? Editor. wrong page. i eipemer ome bias { Well, you must have got the

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———- Decemper 8, 1920.] ——_——_— Author. Why, you don’t mean to say there are two Artuur Batrovns, do you? Editor. I do. Author. Aren't you thinking two Winston CHURCHILLS ? Editor. No, I'm not. Author. Well, perhaps L’d begin again. f the Mr. Anruur Bautvour, Born, as one might say, with a silver niblick in his mouth and possessed of phenomenal intellectual attainments, Mr. Artuur BaLrour (the one on the other page) was not long in settling down to his main life-work, which has been the laying out of University golf curricula. (Is that better ?—Kditor. Much In spite of this preoccupation he has found time for a remarkable num- ber of hobbies, such as politics, music and the study of refrigerating machines, though the effect of all these various activities is sometimes a little confusing for those with whom he works. When consulted on a burning topie of the hour he may, for instance, be on the point of inventing a new type of ice- bucket, so that the interviewer is forced to go out quickly and fetch his fur overcoat before he can talk in comfort. Or he may be playing, like Sherlock Holmes, on his violin, and say, “ Just wait till [’ve finished this sonata.” And by the time it's finished the bother about Persia or Free Tr: quite forgotten. Or, again, Mr. Bat- FOUR may be closeted with Professor Varvon, Doctor Ray or Vice-Chancellor MircHen at the very moment when the Nicaraguan envoy is clamouring at the a Or, ) ie 18 Batrour has sometimes been called Mr. Arthur Baffler. Puzzling, however, though he may be in many of his poli- tical manifestations, his writings are like a beacon in the gloom, and some day these simple chatty little booklets will surely gain the wide public which they deserve. ‘The Foundation of Bunkers,” “A Defence of Philosophie Divots” and * Wood - wind and Bras- sles’ should be read by all who are interested in belles lettres. And his latest volume of essays deals, I believe, with subjects so widely diverse and yet so enthralling as “ Booty and the Cri- ticism of Booty,” “ Trotsky’s View of Russian World Policy,” “Quizzical Re- search " and “The Freedom of the Tees.”’ The real pity is that with all his many and wonderful gifts Mr. ArrHuR Batrovr has never felt the fiery enthu- siasm of his Hatfield cousins. He re- mains, in fact, a salamander among the Sizzles. K. better | It is for this reason that Mr. Arruur | ‘CHARIVARL i\ Retired Dealer in Pork. “How Artist. “Fiery prounps.” Retired Dealer. “ RiGut-o, ro MATCH?” TRIUMPHANT VULGARITY. A writer in The Atheneum, discussing modern songs, observes that in the happy days of the eighteenth century ‘‘even the vulgar could not achieve vulgarity ; to-day vulgarity is in the air, and only the strongest and most fastidious escape its taint.’’ The accompany- ing lines are submitted as a modest protest against this sadly undemocratic and obscur- antist doctrine. | In davs of old, when writers bold Betrayed the least disparity Between their genius and an age When frankness was a rarity, An odious word was often heard From critics void of charity, Simplicity or clarity, Or vision or hilarity, Who used to slate or deprecate The vices of vulgarity. Now COULD YOU DO ONE OF ME MUCH DO YOL WANT FOR I . A RECLINING POSITION, But now disdain is wholly slain By wide famiharity Which links the unit with his age In massive solidarity; No more the word is used or heard, No, no, we call it charity, Simplicity or clarity, Or vision or hilarity, But never slate or deprecate The virtues of vulgarity. An Object Lesson. “ Nothing is so suggestive of a faulty educa- tion than a lack of grammar,’’—F1ji Paper. “ The Vicar was born in Ireland, and lived there many years, and the problems of the Irish are no difficulty to him ”’ New Zealand Paper, That's the man we want over here. prem ne wanton ou Ha ay mre Sacre ome ce em egies eens aetna ses sents ae as Sutt a oe, stn anguroranaa —

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446 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DeceMBER 8, 1920. PRISCILLA PLAYS FAIRIES. UNREHEARSED dramatic dialogue comes quite easily to some people, and so does a knowledge of the ways of the fairy world, but I am not one of those people. Also I was supposed to have a headache that afternoon and to be recovering from a severe cold. Also I was reading a very exciting book. I cannot help thinking therefore that the fairy Bluebell was taking a mean ad- vantage,of my numerous disabilities in appearing atall. She rattled the handle | of the door a long time, and when I had | opened it came in by a series of little | skips on her toes, accompanied by wag- | gave a slightly higher | flatly and rather noisily | doing, Priscilla ? ; you were a very poot and pulling it very hard). there's a glings of the arms rather in the fashion of apenguin. Every now and then she I (affecting to simulate the natural gratification of a poor old man suddenly smothered in vegetables, fruit and liquid preserve). How perfectly delicious ! She. And you want to go to sleep again. (I go. She (pulling my ear again). And you sawed a dragon coming up the drive, and the sofa was the dragon. I. Alack, alack! I see a dragon coming up the drive. What shall I do? I must telephone to the police. She (quickly). Did the police have a tuncheon ? I. Yes, he did. She. Shall I be the police ? I (cautiously, because a “ tuncheon” necessitates making a long paper roll out of * The Times”’), I am afraid the tele- She. Down its neck. I (feeling that the immediate peril from the dragon's assault is now prac- tically over and wishing to return the fairy’s kindness). Shall we pretend that the sofa is where the Fairy Bluebell lived, and I built her a little home with flowers, and these cushions were the flowers, and (rather basely) she went to sleep in it ? She (with sparkling eyes). Yes, yes [I remove the potatoes, the plum the honey and the head of the dragon and manufacture a grotto in which the Fairy Bluebell r clines with closed eyes. It ap pears to be a suitable mom nt for returning to my book. She. And suddenly the Fairy Blue and descended jump on her feet. She wore a new frock, with frills. I. What are you She. I’m the Fairy Bluebell dancing. Don’t you like my dapeing ? I. 1t’s beautiful. She (rapidly). And old man who had a lot of nasty work to do and you were asleep. I (feeling it have been much and composting myself to slumber in my chair). Honk! She (pinching my ear , might worse err Guip!” Her Husban HIM TWENTY-TW And you woke up and “| do believe dear little said, Mrs. McNicol, “Founp a POUN’ NOTE IN THE STREET, i (sadly). “AY, BUT O AN’ SAXPENCE.” McTAVisH SAW MI Dona’ ? PICK Ii j bell woke up, and what jdo you think wanted ? | I (disillusioned). 1 can’t think. She. She wanted to be readen to. I (resignedly). what did I do? She. You said, “11! | |read about Tom and the otter.” I (hopefully). 1 don't know where it is. She. Ithinkit’sinthe dining - room, and the Fairy Bluebell couldn't she And get it herself because she was only a little girl really. As I say, there are a lot of people, and many of them, readers of this paper, who understand all about fairies. | want to doubt less, THAT'S up, AN’ I ow! fairy dancing.” I (emerging vik m repose). W hy, I do | believe I heard a fairy dancing, or (vin- | dictively) can it have been another ton of coal coming in? She (disregarding my malice). And you said, “ Alack, alack! I do want somefing to eat.” I. Alack, alack! I am so hungry. She ( fet hing a large « u shion from the sofa and putting it on the top of me). Lumpetty, lumpetty, lumpetty. I. What’s that, Priscilla ? She. Bitatoes pouring out of a sack. (Fetches another cushion and puts it on the top of the first.) Lumpetty, lum- | petty, lumpetty. I. And this? She (opening her eyes very wide). Red plums. (Fetches another cushion.) Limpetty, limpetiy, limpetty. I, What’s that ? She. Lovely honey. mY phone had broken down, so the police jdidn’t hear. How I wish the Fairy Bluebell was about! j She. And so the Fairy Bluebell came and cut off the dragon’s head and gave it to you. | Fetch s a fourth large ¢ ushion and adds it to th I. But why dragon's head ? She (enigmatical/y). You had to have it, } pte, should I have the (The poor old man resigns himself to his increasingly glutinous fate. She (fetching a waste-paper hasket and returning to the sofa). Limpetty, limpetty, limpetty. I (faint but inquisitive). Whatever are you doing now, Priscilla ? She. Poisoning the dragon’s body. I. Poisoning it ? § She. Yes, wiv a can. I. How ? ask them,as one poor old hard-worked man to another, whethe this is the proper way for a fairy to behave. There seems to be a lack of delicacy—and shall I say shyness? about it. wee Se Evol Our Tactful Orators. ‘* At the close they asked President who was in the chair, to present a very hand some umbrella to Mr. ° In a few well-chosen words the Chai: said he trusted that Mr. -—-, while journey ing through life, would be successful in ward ing off many a shower with his umbrella, but they all hoped they would be showers of good will."’"—Trade Paper. “This is great fun and mystifies your friends. 3uy a few and you will be the cleverest fellow im your district. Our leaders are ‘Stink Bomb’ (make bad smell when broken). Re. 1 a box. ‘Sneeze Powder’ (makes everybody sneeze when blown in the air) Re. 1 a bottle.” Advt. in Indian Paper. Who says the East humour ? has no sense ol 2 ep the

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at Deceper 8, 1920.) PUNCH, OR —————————————— ————— THROUGH THE GOAL-POSTS; OR, THE END OF A PERFECT SCRUM.

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448 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL er [DecemBer 8, 1920, THE WHITE SPAT. WHEN it is remembered how large a part has been played in history by revolutionary and political songs it is both lamentable and strange that at the present time only one of the num- erous political faiths has a hymn of its own—‘“ The Red Flag.” The author of the words owes a good deal, I should say, to the author of * Rule Britannia, ’ though I am inclined to think he has gone one better. The tune is that gentle old tune which we used to know as “ Maryland,” and by itself it rather suggests a number of tired sheep wait- ing to go through a gate than a lot of people thinking very redly. I fancy the author realised this, and he has got over it by putting in some good power- ful words like “scarlet,” ‘“ traitors,” | “flinch” and “dungeon,” whenever | the tune is particularly sheepish. The | effect is effective. Just imagine if the Middle Classes Union could march | down the middle of the Strand singing that fine chorus: } “Then raise the scarlet standard high, Beneath its shade we'll live and dic; | Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer We'll keep the Red Flag flying here.” Well, I have set myself to supply some of the other parties with songs, and I have begun with “The White Spat,”’ which is to be the party-hymn of the High Tories (if any). I have written it to the same tune as “The Red Flag,” because, when the lion finally does lie down with the lamb, it will | be much more convenient if they can bleat and roar in the same metre, and I shall hope to hear Mr. Roperr Winuiams and Lord Roserr Ceci. singing these two songs at once one day. I am not wholly satisfied with “The White Spat,” but I think I have vaught the true spirit, or, at any| rate, the proper inconsequence of these | things :— j j i THe Ware Spar. Air—Maryland, The spats we wear are pure as snow— We are so careful where we go; We don’t go near the vulgar bus Because it always splashes us. Chorus. We take the road with trustful hearts, Avoiding all the messy parts ; However dirty you may get We'll keep the White Spat spotless yet. At night there shines a special star To show us where the puddles are ; The crossing-sweeper sweeps the floor— That's what the crossing-sweeper's for. Chorus. Then take the road, ctc., ete. I know it doesn’t look much, just written down on paper; but you try singing it and you'll find you 're carried away. Of course there ought to be an inter- national verse, but I’m afraid I can’t compete with the one in my model ;— ‘Look round: the Frenchman loves its blaze, The sturdy German chants its praise ; In Moscow's vaults its hymns are sung ; Chicago swells the surging throng.’’ This is the best I can do:— From Russia’s snows to Afric’s sun The race of spatriots is one ; One faith unites their alien blood— “There ’s nothing to be said for mud.” Now we have the song of the Wee! Frees. I wanted this to be rather pa- thetic, but I’m not sure that I haven't overdone it. The symbolism, though, is well-nigh perfect, and, after all, the symbolism is the chief thing. This goes to the tune of “ Annie Laurie”: Trae Orv Brack Bro.nry. Air—Annie Laurie. Under the Old Umbrella, Beneath the leaking’ gamp, Wrapped up in woolly phrases We battle with the damp. Come, gather round the gamp! 16 1s pre-war ; And beneath the old Black Brolly Chere ’s room for several more. Opserve, Shameless calumniators Calumniate like mad ; Detractors keep detracting ; It really is too bad ; It really is too bad. To show we 're not quite dead, We wave the old Black Brolly And hit them on the head. Then we have the National Party. I am rather vague about the National Party, but I know they are frightfully military, and they keep on having Mass Rallies in Kensington—complete with drums, I expect. Where all the masses come from I don’t quite know, as a prolonged search has failed to reveal anyone who knows anyone who actually a member of the party. Every- body tells me, though, that there is at least Brigadier-General (Tempy.) mixed up with it, if not two, and at least one Lord, though possibly one of the Brigadiers is the same as the Lord; but after all they represent the Nation, so they ought to have a song. They have nothing but “Rule Britannia” now, I suppose. Their song goes to the tune of “ The British Grenadiers.”” J have written it as a duet, but no doubt other parts could be added if the occasion should ever arise. 1S one Tae NATIONAL. Air—The British Grenadiers. Some talk of Coalitions, Of Tories and all that ; They are but cheap editions Of the one and only Nat. ; Our Party has no equals, Though of course it has its peers, With a tow, row, row, row, row, row, For the British Brigadiers. You have no idea how difficult it is to write down the right number of rows first time; however I daresay the General wouldn’t mind a few ones. We represent the Nation As no one else can do; Without exaggeration Our membership is two We rally in our masses And give three hearty cheers With a tow, row, row, row, row, row For the National Brigadiers. extra | There could be a great deal more of that, but perhaps you have had Of course, if you don’t think the | poetry of my songs is good enough, I | shall just have to quote some of “The International ”’ words to show you that | it's the tune that matters. , | Here you are :— | enough. | “ Arise! ve starvelings from you nbers, | Arise ! ye criminals of want For reason in revolt now th And at last ends the age of If people can get excited singing that, my songs would send them crazy Then there is the Coalition | have had a good deal of difficulty about thi j but I think that at last I have hit the |right note; all my first efforts were too | - me : |dignified. This goes to a darkie tun [Tne Presanp Mani Air—Camptown I Down-town darkies all d Doo-dah, doo-dal There never was a hoss like the piebald mare, Doo-dah, doo-dah day One half dark and the other |} ] Doo-dah, doo-dah Two fat heads and a great | tail } Doo-dah, doo-dah Chorus. Gwine to run all nigh Gwine to run all day! I put my money on the | l mare Because she run both wa Little old Dave he ride dat hoss, Doo-dah, doo-dah Where ’ll she be if he takes a t Doo-dah, doo-dah d De people try to push him ot Doo-dah, doo-dah De more dey push de more he scoff, Doo-dah, doo-dah da Chorus. Gwine to run, &c. Over the largest fence the y boun 1, Doo-dah, doo-dah Things exploding all around, Doo-dah, doo-dah day ' One fine day dat hoss will burst Doo-dah, doo-dah | But little old Dave he'll walk in first, Doo-dah, doo dah d ay ! Chorus. Gwine to run, &c. Once again, merely written down, the words do not thrill, but I hope none of the parties will definitely reject these hymns till they have heard them actu- ally sung; if necessary I will give a trial rendering myself. The other day, when we were play- ing charades and had to act L, we $$ sua tracann aaae ee oS ines sage peer ts Cs ¥ ae | ‘ t) Lett til | io am" i

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a PUNCH, OR THE Profiteer Host. ‘Wor D’ YER THINK OF MY OAKS?” | did Lloyd George and the | and the people who were | Coalition sang the above song with | really wonderful effect. It is true that | the other side thought we were acting Coalition ; acting the i that must have been because of some- | thing faulty in our make-up. The sound of this great anthem was sufficiently | | impressive to make one long to hear} | the real Coalition shouting it all along | Downing Street. It is a solo with chorus, you understand, and the Coalli- | tion come in with a great roar of excite- | ment and fervour on Doo-dah! Doo-dah! Yes, I like that. A. PH. “MorE THAN Micon SALE. Waste! Waste! Waste! Newspaper Poster. contemporary. “The man in custody has been identified | 48 the result of the efforts of the Birkenhead five stag.”—Liverpool Paper. Avariation on the old-fashioned sleuth- | hound. - From the report of aspeech by Admiral Sir Percy Scorr :-— “He might say that when the Germans Were demolarised at the Battle of Jutland. ..”’ Scottish Paper. This confirms our impression that, whatever happened at Jutland, we cer- tainly drew the German Navy’s teeth. | exploding suns ? | questions put by Professor A. W. Bick- | Legion and the Gadarene Swine, but | In mercy we suppress the title of our LONDON CHARIVARI, Protiteer Guest. “ Birr or QUESTIONS. How did mankind get to all corners of the earth? and what is the cause of > These are among the ERTON, of the London Astronomical Society, and they would be solved, it seems, if our learned men would only band themselves together. I have no wish to hamper the good work, but a moment's reflection suggests a number of other questions simply asking to be answered. For instance, what happens when an irresistible force meets Sir Ertc GEDDES? And why is it that while we hear of thousands of people losing their um- brellas we have never yet heard of a singlecase wherea man openly admitted that he had found one ? And is there any reason why the modern novel should not end happily, instead of the hero and heroine always marrying at the last moment. And how does it happen that Thanet is the best holiday-place in this country and enjoys more sunshine than any other resort ? And could not The Daily Mail ex- tend the same sunshine privilege to other parts ? : And what makes a music-hall audi- ence laugh when a comedian changes his hat and mutters the mystic word, « Winston ” ? And who is the gentleman referred to? ’ + “ { MRL DAMTRL GE = = - i iN _ ies ¥ - ~ ALL RIGHT, WHERE D’ YER GET 'EM?” And why is it that nine-tenths of the coon-singers on the halls are always wanting to get back to their dear old homes? And who is stopping them in their noble desire? And is there any explanation why all these singers seem to have their homes in distant Alabam, where the roses keep on climbing round the door, just close to where the cotton and the corn are growing all the year round, only later in life to leave the dear old place to take up music-hall work here, and then spend the remainder of their lives telling us of their passionate determination to get away back to the old folks ? And would I be right in my surmise that very few homes in Wigan have roses round the door or stand in fields of growing cotton and corn or reek of new-mown hay ? And why is it that, when you tell a man there are so many million stars in the skies, he will believe you, but the moment he sees a notice on a gate bearing the words “ Wet Paint’ he puts his finger upon it just to find out for himself? And why did Mrs. Asquira——_ But perhaps that will be enough for the Professor to be going on with. Commercial Candour. “My Studio is the most up-to-date and my methods of photography just a little bit different.”"—Canadian Paper.

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448 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ee [DeceMBER 8, 1920, THE WHITE SPAT. WHEN it is remembered how large a part has been played in history by revolutionary and political songs it is both lamentable and strange that at the present time only one of the num- erous political faiths has a hymn of its own—“The Red Flag.” The author of the words owes a good deal, I should say, to the author of “ Rule Britannia, ’ though I am inclined to think he has gone one better. The tune is that gentle old tune which we used to know as “ Maryland,” and by itself it rather suggests a number of tired sheep wait- ing to go through a gate than a lot of people thinking very redly. I fancy the author realised this, and he has got over it by putting in some good power- ful words like “scarlet,” ‘ traitors,”’ “flinch” and “dungeon,” whenever effect is effective. Middle Classes Union could that fine chorus: “Then raise the scarlet standard high, Jeneath its shade we'll live and die; Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer We'll keep the Red Flag flying here.” Well, I have set myself to supply some of the other parties with songs, and I have begun with “The White Spat,” which is to be the party-hymn of the High Tories (if any). I have written it to the same tune as “ The Red Flag,” because, when the lion finally does lie down with the lamb, it will be much more convenient if they can bleat and roar in the same metre, and [ shall hope to hear Mr. Roserr Winurams and Lord Rospert Ceci singing these two songs at once one day. I am not wholly satisfied with “The White Spat,” but I think I have caught the true spirit, or, at any rate, the proper inconsequence of these : things :— THe Waite Spat. Air—Maryland, The spats we wear are pure as snow— We are so careful where we go; We don’t go near the vulgar bus Because it always splashes us. Chorus. We take the road with trustful hearts, Avoiding all the messy parts ; However dirty you may get We'll keep the White Spat spotless yet. At night there shines a special star To show us where the puddles are ; The crossing-sweeper sweeps the floor— That’s what the crossing-sweeper’s for. Chorus. Then take the road, etc., ete. I know it doesn’t look much, just written down on paper; but you try singing it and you'll find you're carried away. Of course there ought to be an inter- national verse, but I’m afraid I can’t compete with the one in my model:— ‘* Look round: the Frenchman loves its blaze, The sturdy German chants its praise ; In Moscow's vaults its hymns are sung ; Chicago swells the surging throng.”’ This is the best I can do:— rom Russia’s snows to Afric’s sun The race of spatriots is one; One faith unites their alien blood— “There ’s nothing to be said for mud.” Now we have the song of the Wee Frees. I wanted this to be rather pa- thetic, but I’m not sure that I haven't overdone it. The symbolism, though, is well-nigh perfect, and, after all, the Sy mbolism is the chief thing. This goes to the tune of “ Annie Laurie” :— THe Oxtpv Brack the tune is particularly sheepish. The | Just imagine if the | march | down the middle of the Strand singing | BROLLY. Air—Annie Laurie. Under the Old Umbrella, Beneath the leaking gamp, Wrapped up in woolly phrases We battle with the damp Come, gather round the gamp serve, it is pre-war, And beneath the old Black Brolly There's room for several more. Or | Shameless calumniators Calumniate hke mad; Detractors keep detracting ; It really 0 bad ; It really is too bad. To show we're not quite dead, We wave the old Black Brolly And hit them on the head, Is t Then we have the National Party. I am rather vague about the National Party, but I know they are frightfully military , and they keep on having Mass Rallies in Kensington—complete with drums, I expect. Where all the masses come from I don’t quite know, as a prolonged search has failed to reveal anyone who anyone who is actually a member of the party. Every- body tells me, though, that there is at least Brigadier-General (Tempy.) mixed up with it, if not two, and at least one Lord, though possibly one of the Brigadiers is the same as the Lord; but after all they represent the Nation, so they ought to have a song. They have nothing but “Rule Britannia” now, I suppose. Their song goes to the tune of “ The British Grenadiers.”’ J] have written it as a duet, but no doubt other parts could be added if the occasion should ever arise. knows one THe NATIONAL. Air—The British Grenadiers, Some talk of Coalitions, Of Tories and all that ; They are but cheap editions Of the one and only Nat. ; Our Party has no equals, Though of course it has its peers, With a tow, row, row, row, row, row, For the British Brigadiers. You have no idea how difficult it | } | | is to write down the right number of rows first time; however I daresay the General wouldn’t mind a few extra ones. We represent the Nation As no one else can do; Without exaggeration Our membership is two, We rally in our masses And give three hearty cheers, With a tow, row, row, row, row, row For the National Brigadiers, There could be a great deal more of | that, but perhaps you have had enough. | Of course, if you don’t poetry of my songs is good enough, I shall just have to quote some of “The International” words to show you that it's the tune that matters. Here you are :— “ Arise! ye starvelings from your Arise ! ye criminals of want For reason in revolt now thunder And at lust ends the age of cant.” think the | If people can get excited singing that, | my songs would send them crazy. Then there is the Coalition had a good deal of difficulty about this, but I think that at last I have hit the right note; all my first efforts were too dignified. This goes to a darkie tune THe Presatp Mari Air—Camptown J Down-town darkies all di Doo-dah, doo-dah There never was a hoss like the piebald mare, Doo-dah, doo-dah day! One half dark and the other half pale, Doo-dah, doo-dah Two fat heads and a great big tail Doo-dah, doo-dah da },+ Ul, Chorus. Gwine to run all nig Gwine to run all day I put my money on the piebald mare Because she run both wa Little old Dave he ride dat h Doo-dah, doo-dah Where ll she be if he takes a toss? Doo-dah, doo-dah da De people try to push him off, Doo-dah, doo-dah, De more dey push de more he scoff, Doo-dah, doo-dah day ! Chorus. Gwine to run, &e. Over the largest fence they bound, Doo-dah, doo-dah Things exploding all around Doo-dah, doo-dah day! One fine day dat hoss will burst, Doo-dah, doo-dah 3ut little old Dave he'll walk in first, Doo-dah, doo-dah day! Chorus. Gwine to run, &c. Once again, merely written down, the words do not thrill, but I hope none of the parties will definitely reject these hymns till they have heard them actu- ally sung; if necessary I will give a trial rendering myself. The other day, when we to were play- act L, we ing charades and had | have | $$$ ea "een i, My yb oy Bate 4 {i =r-

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————————— THE LONDON CHARIVARL Profiteer Host. “Wor D’ YER THINK OF MY OAKS?’ did Lloyd George and the Coalition; and the people who were acting the Coalition sang the above song with really wonderful effect. It is true that} the other side thought we were acting | Legion and the Gadarene Swine, but | that must have been because of some- thing faulty in our make-up. The sound (of this great anthem was sufficiently impressive to make one long to hear'| | the real Coalition shouting it all along} | Downing Street. It is a solo with chorus, you understand, and the Coali- | tion come in with a great roar of excite- | ment and fervour on Doo-dah! Doo-dah! Yes, I like that. A. P. H. “MorE THAN MILLION SALE. Waste! Waste! Waste! Newspaper Poster. | In mercy we suppress the title of our contemporary. “The man in custody has been identified a8 the result of the efforts of the Birkenhead ve stag.” —Liverpool Paper. _ Avariation on the old-fashioned sleuth- hound. From the report of aspeech by Admiral Sir Percy Scorr :— ; “He might say that when the Germans Were demolarised at the Battle of Jutland...’ Scottish Paner. This confirms our impression that, | whatever happened at Jutland, we cer- | tainly drew the German Navy’s teeth. ‘i ’ Profiteer Guest. “ Brr or QUESTIONS. How did mankind get to all corners of the earth? and what is the cause of exploding suns? These are among the questions put by Professor A. W. Brck- ERTON, of the London Astronomical Society, and they would be solved, it seems, if our learned men would only band themselves together. I have no wish to hamper the good work, but a moment's reflection suggests a number of other questions simply asking to be answered. For instance, what happens when an irresistible force meets Sir Ertc GEDDES? And why is it that while we hear of thousands of people losing their um- brellas we have never yet heard of a single case wherea man openly admitted that he had found one ? And is there any reason why the modern novel should not end happily, instead of the hero and heroine always marrying at the last moment. And how does it happen that Thanet is the best holiday-place in this country and enjoys more sunshine than any other resort ? And could not The Daily Mail ex- tend the same sunshine privilege to other parts ? : And what makes a music-hall audi- ence laugh when a comedian changes his hat and mutters the mystic word, « Winston ” ? And whois the gentleman referred to? ALL RIGHT. WHERE D’ YER GET EM?” And why is it that nine-tenths of the coon-singers on the halls are always wanting to get back to their dear old homes? And who is stopping them in their noble desire? And is there any explanation why all these singers seem to have their homes in distant Alabam, where the roses keep on climbing round the door, just close to where the cotton and the corn are growing all the year round, only later in life to leave the dear old place to take up music-hall work here, and then spend the remainder of their lives telling us of their passionate determination to get away back to the old folks ? And would I be right in my surmise that very few homes in Wigan have roses round the door or stand in fields of growing cotton and corn or reek of new-mown hay ? And why is it that, when you tell a man there are so many million stars in the skies, he will believe you, but the moment he sees a notice on a gate bearing the words “ Wet Paint” he puts his finger upon it just to find out for himself ? And why did Mrs. Asquira——__ But perhaps that will be enough for the Professor to be going on with. Commercial Candour. “My Studio is the most up-to-date and my methods of photography just a little bit different."—Canadian Paper.

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450 PUNCH, OR a THI i LONDON CHARIVARL [December 8, 1920, ~ _ f a/4 a i/. ‘=. bk ba) Hostess. ‘* WHAT Guest, ‘I Know. GOING ALREADY? Wuy, But I'M DEAD TIRED A NOTE ON THE DRAMA, “ Flamlet was not a business man.”—Mr. A, B, Wark Hap he but learned the useful knowledge And that essential grasp of things Which training at a business college (If diligently followed) brings, We should have had, no doubt, A Hamlet with the “ moody” Dane left out. He'd not have stalked in gloomy fashion Nor wanted to soliloquise, But rather, undisturbed by passion, He would have sat Napoleon-wise, Chewing an unlit weed And talking down the telephone (full speed). Planning a “ book” to suit his players, He would have sought a theme less grim, For tragedies are doubtful payers ; Revue would be the stuff for him, Scanty in dress and plot, With dancers featuring the Hammy Trot. He missed one glorious proposition The money would have come in stacks If he had shown the Apparition For half-a-crown (including tax), And, though 'twas after eight, Added a side-line trade in chocolate. At other stunts we find him lacking ; Thus, when he met Laertes, he ~_ \) a i “ . } , An / > 5 ONLY THREE O'CLOCK.” AND I'vi GOT TO BE UP ERARLY FOR A ‘ DEJEUNER DANSANT.'” Did not secure a proper backing Nor nominate the referee ; And, what was even worse, Did no finessing for a bigger purse. Had Hamlet made it his endeavour To seize each chance of lawful gain, Certain it is that there would never Have been a doubt that he was sane; And then perhaps Act Five Had left some people—one or two—alive. Christmas and the Children. With the approach of a Festival that is dedicated to the joy of children, Mr. Punch makes bold to plead the cause of the less fortunate among them. The Queen's Hospital for Children, once known as the North-Eastern Hospital for Children, is the only one of its kind in this part of London and serves a poor district with a population of half- a-million, Its claim upon the generosity of more favoured Londoners is as strong as its lack of funds at the present moment is serious. It has one hundred-and-seventy beds, and during the last year has cared for eighteen hundred in-patients and sixty thousand out-patients. Mr. Punch is certain that, if the children of the West-end understood the suffering and needs of these other children of Bethnal Green, they would want to help them by forgoing some of their Christmas toys. Gifts should be addressed to the Secretary, T. Guenton-Kerr, Esq., Queen's Hospital for Children, Hackney Road, Bethnal Green, E.2.

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LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 8, 1920. , 4 ANY OF * : ! NN “Wve Soe ay A, AW Wa “ \ \\ \' \ "\ oa n s/ N NY \ ‘—— See sR IF THE RO ___ PUNCH, OR THE WONDE

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——— December 8, 1920.] —_— —_—— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 453 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, November 29th.—Some time ago Lord NEwTon was appointed Chair- man of a Committee on Smoke Abate- ment. It took enough evidence to fill a Blue-book a couple of inches thick, and, at the request of the Government, furnished an interim report. Supposing, not unnaturally, that its valuable recom- mendations would be adopted in the Goy- ernment’s housing schemes the Com- mittee was disgusted to find that, save for an emasculated summary in “a dis- mal journal called Housing,” no notice was taken of its report. Lord Newton is not a man who can safely be invited to consume his own smoke, and he made indignant protest this afternoon. A soft answer from Lord Sanpuurst, who assured him that the Government, far from being unmindful of the Committee’s labours, had already equipped some thousands of houses with central heat- ing, temporarily diverted his wrath. Thanks to the Sinn Feiners, the Public Galleries of the House of Com- mons were closed. Thus deprived of all audience save themselves and the re- porters the most loquacious Members were depressed. Bombinantes in qur- gite vasto, their arguments sounded hollow even to themselves. With an obvious effort they tried to carry on precated—as “ the usual Monday fiscal debate.’ This time it turned upon the Vi, “His conscience now quite clear.” Sir J. T. AGa-GAaRDNER. large imports from Russia in 1913. One side seemed to think that similar imports would be forthcoming to-day but for the obstructiveness of the what the SPEAKER described—and de- | | was confident that Russia had nothing to export save propaganda. The con- troversy was beginning to pall when by a happy inspiration Mr. Ronanp McNe1, with mock solemnity, in- THE DEFENDER OF ESCORT. Sir CHARLES TOWNSHEND, KUT—WITH quired if the last egg in Russia had not been eaten by a relation of the Secre- TARY OF STATE FoR War. A long-standing Parliamentary tradi- tion enjoins that the reply to any Ques- tion addressed to the CHAIRMAN OF THE Kircuen CommirrteeE should be greeted with laughter. By virtue of his office he holds, as it were, the “ pass-the-mus- tard” prerogative. Members laughed accordingly when he replied to a ques- tion relating to the number of ex-Service men employed by his Committee; but they laughed much more loudly when the hon. Member who put the original Question proceeded to inquire “if his conscience is now quite clear,” and Sir J. T. Aca-Garpnekr, looking as re- spectable as if he were Mrs. Grundy’s second husband, declared, hand on heart, that it was. The House gave a rather less sten- torian welcome than might have been expected to Sir Cuartes TowNsHEND, who was escorted up to the Table by Mr. BorromiEy and Colonel Crort. Perhaps it was afraid that cheers intended for the defender of Kut might be appropriated by the Editor of John Bull. : Encouraged, I suppose, by the empti- ness of the Ladies’ Gallery, it then pro- ceeded with great freedom to discuss a proposal for the employment of women British Government, while the other and young persons “in shifts.” Tuesday, November 30th—The Ex- Crown Prince or Prussia will be tre- mendously bucked when he reads the report of to-day's proceedings, and dis- covers that there is one person in the world who takes him seriously. Sir Freperick Haut has been much dis- turbed by the reports of Hohenzollern intrigues for a restoration, and begged the Government to send a protest to the Dutch Government. But the Fat Boy of Dulwich quite failed to make Mr. Bonar Law’s flesh creep. Mr. Batpwin is the least perturb- able of Ministers. Even when Major Epwarps invited him to elucidate the phrase “a working knowledge of the Welsh language ""—* Does it mean hav- ing an intimate acquaintance with the literary works of Darypp ap Gwr.ym or the forgeries of ‘Iolo Morganwg’?” —he never turned a hair. Modesty not having hitherto been regarded as one of Mr. Caurcai.’s most salient characteristics I feel it my duty to record that, on being asked when he would introduce the Supple- mentary Army Estimates, he replied, “IT am entirely in the hands of my superiors.” Wednesday, December 1st.—That Hebrew should be one of the official languages of Palestine seems, on the face of it, not unreasonable. But, according to Lord Trrowen, to compel the average Palestinian Jew, who speaks either Spanish or Yiddish, to use clas- sical Hebrew, will be like obliging a THE FAT BOY OF DULWICH. Sm Frepenick Hay, user of pidgin-English to adopt the language of Appison. He failed, how- ever, to make any impression upon Lord Crawrorp, who expressed the hope that the Government's action ck Si RS Dillan ali te nan Oso ene en nn Ben era eee ne i ER ES RRR OS AR weconaetinensiameretrers i a a a aT TT ~

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454 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DecemBeErR 8, 1920, Gelfer, “ Haye You Aged Caddie. “1 HeERD YE would help to purify the language. Sir HerBpert SAMUEL is determined, I gather, to make Palestine a country fit for rabbis to live in. The Government of Ireland Bill had a very rough time in Committee. The Lorp CHANCELLOR managed to ward off Lord Mip.eton’s proposal to have one Parliament instead of two—‘‘a blow at the heart of the Bill’’—but was less successful when Lord Oray- MORE AND BrowNE moved that the Southern Parliament should be fur- nished with a Senate. The Peers’ natural sentiment in favour of Second Chambers triumphed, and the Govern- ment were defeated by a big majority. The Office of Works has been lending a hand to local authorities in difficulties with their housing schemes. But when Sir Atrrep Monp brought up a Supple- mentary Estimate in respect of these transactions he met with a storm of indignation that surprised him. “The road to bankruptcy,” “ Nationalisation in the building trade,” “ Socialistic pro- posals '’—these were some of the phrases that assailed his ears. Fortified, how- ever, by the support of the Labour Party —Mr. Myers declared that his action EVER SEEN A WORSE PLAYER?” No ansier. VERRA WEEL THI ‘Havi THENKIN' “T SAID FURRST Time. I Was JEST had been “the one bright spot in the whole of the policy ”—Sir ALFRED challenged his critics to go and tell their constituents that they had voted to prevent houses being built, and got his Estimate through by 190 to 64. Thursday, December 2nd.—Thanks to the free-and-easy procedure of the House of Lords the Government began the day with a victory. Lord SHanpon had moved an amendment, to which the Lorp CHANCELLOR objected. But he did not challenge a division when the question was put. Lord DonovuGHMorRE, most expeditious of Chairmen, an- nounced “the Contents have it,’’ and the matter seemed over. But then the Lorp CHANCELLOR woke up, and said he had meant to ask for a division. *“ All right,” said the CHArRrMAN; “clear the Bar,” and when the white-wanded tellers had counted their flocks it ap- peared that the Government had a majority of three. I do not suppose anyone will say of Lord BirKENHEAD, as a celebrated judge is reported to have said of one of his predecessors, “Ere comes that ‘oly ‘ambug ‘umming ’is ’orrid ’ymns;” but housing “Fro YOU EVER SEEN A WORSE PLAYER? ABOOT IT.” he is evidently a student of hymnology, for he referred to the Government vic tory as this “scanty triumph” and fo. a long time did not challenge any more divisions In the House of Commons an attac! upon the new liquor regulations - pieces of Toss impertinence * accore Mr. Maceuisten—found nx favour with the Priwe Minister. Mr. McCurpy announced that he had re ing to duced the price of wheat to the millers | and hoped that “in a few weeks” the consumer might begin to receive the | benefit. The CHANCELLOR OF THE Ex CHEQUER excused the delay in publishing | the Economy Committee's reports on the ground that the Mryisrer or Muni TIONS was “at sea,” inevitable gibe that he was not the only one. Sir Ertc Gepprs, with a judicious compliment to the motorists for setting “an extraordinary example of voluntary taxation,” got a Second Reading for his Roads Bill; and Sir Gorvon Hewart with some difficulty induced the House to accept his assur ance that the Official Secrets Bill was meant for the discomfiture of spies and not the harassing of honest journalists. and elicited the |} | j | | ~t & 4, = Bs *, oe 3& % Ay # { ia Al mS]

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ee ——— December 8, 1920.) EO — —

PUNCH, OR THE Fingis your temper as your hand-forged | iron ! clerical. | discovered his and his fellow-workers , Once only, when your toe received the | deliberate processes vourself. If so, eH | niblick, } permit me to draw your attention to The word I saw your lips frame was| Nep Warp’s London Spy, which wa not biblic. Upon the links as perfect in address As in the pulpit, just as you are seen In life to play according to the Book, Sotoo, midall the hazards of thegreen, You teach us by example not to press | And how to shun the faults of slice and hook. Treating the ball as if it had a soul, ne safe direction, ow best it may keep up its given ré/ Indeed your daily round’s sermon, " '8o, till life's course i | aWait Your well-timed counsel. . you by me Miifaugh at all the baffling strokes of Fate a model s traversed, I'll If I have And lay the bogie of Despair a stymie.' length of the church than a couple of you determine | fand indeed at all the “ with lumps of | gade; ; otherwise than however | | | | | | | | their booty.

Se ee fe: ae

LONDON CHARIVARL

Dean Mr ‘ “ Charivaria, Even should you hack the ball from | gentle fun at the leisurely bricklayer, out the spherical, , Or find it near the pin mire on, Your language is not Puncn,—You are fond, in of poking some of your ca canny ” bri- but the bricklayer has come in | hope, , that you don’t think you have or the thickest of your fire.

published as long ago as L699. In that work is the description of a visit to St. | Paul's Cathedral when it was building. | \ passage in this description runs thus: | j | ] } “We went a little further, where we observed ten men in a corner very busie about two men’s work, taking so much care that everyone should have his due | proportion of ‘the labours as sO many | thieves in making an exact division of | The wonderful piece of | difficulty the whole numbet had to per- | form was to drag along a stone of about three hundredweight in a carriage, in order to be hoisted upon the moldings of the cupola, but they were so fearful of despatching this facile undertaking with too much expedition that they were longer in hauling about half the ;

” lusty porters, I am certain, would have been carrying it to Paddington without resting of their burthen.” Shall I refrain from remarking that there 1s nothing new under the sun? I will. Yours, ete., L. V. E

NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. THe BARNACLE. (A Sort of er Shanty ) OLD Bill Barnacle sticks to his shi , s | | He never is ill on the stormiest trip; Upside down he crosses the ocean If you do that you enjoy the motion. Barnacle’s family grows and grows ; £ Little relations arrive in rows; And the quicket the barnacles grow you know, The slower the ship doth go—yo | o! Thousands of barnacles, small and great, Stick to the jolly old ship ol State; So we mustn't be cross if she seems to crawl } Loos at all APH It’s rather a marvel she ————

“ Priests preach the want the Anglican Church, but many, I to say, do not practise what they preach.” Letter to Daily Paper. Is not this carrying the reactionary spirit a little too far? am sorry f brotherhood in

archaea mer gestern tro onesie ar vraoommmettienan— weit rE IN SEE RES 1 IIE LTS AM, acre

PDR Ss PA AMIE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

{[DeceMBER 8, 1920,

AT THE PLAY. “THe Dragon.” Some day, no doubt, plays like Mr. Wuand The Dragon (by R. i. Jerrrey) will be forbidden by the League of Nations. Meanwhile let us allow our- selves to be diverted by the motiveless villainies of crooked cruel ‘ Chinks”’ like Wang I’u Chang, who sold opium at a terrific profit in Mayfair, hung his servants up by their thumbs and be- longed to a Society of Elder Brethren, as to whose activities we were given no clue, unless indeed their job was the kidnapping of Younger Sisters for Wicked Mandarins. For Jack Stacey, who opened the Prologue in Loolong with head in hands and moaned invocations of the Deity (a version doubtless of the well-known gambit, “‘ Hell!’ said the Duchess ”’), had his little daughter kidnapped at birth or thereabouts (by Wang Fu, as it happened), and never saw her again till, after eighteen years of opium-doping— between the Prologueand the First Act— he called upon the same Wang F'u (just before dinner) with a peremptory mes- sage from a very bad and powerful mandarin that if little Miss Che Iu were not packed off to China by eleven that same evening the Elder Brethren would be one short by midnight. Che Fu, I ought to say, passed as Wang's daughter, but was so English, you know, to look at that nobody could really be- lieve it. Of course Jack didn’t recognise her as his own daughter, but equally of course we did, and knew that she would be rescued by her impetuous boy-lover and restored to her real father; but not before great business with opium pipes, pivoting statues of goddesses, inopera- tive revolvers, gongs, strangulations (with gurgles), detectives, rows of Chinese servants each more rascally (and less Chinese, if possible) than the last, and over all the polished villainy of the inscrutable Wang I’u Chang. Mr. Jerrrey’s technique was quite adequate for this ingenuous kind of thing. He achieved what I take to be the supreme compliment of noisy hush- ings sibilated from the pit and gallery when the later curtains rose. action halted a little to allow of rather too much display of pidgin - English and (I suppose) authentic elementary Chineseand comic reliefs which filled the spaces between the salient episodes of the slender and naive plot. | couldn't help wondering how Jack Stacey, whom we left at 10.45 in a horrible stupor, shut away in a gilded aleove of Wang Fu’'s opium den, could appear at 11.30 at Lady Handley’s in immaculate evening dress and with entirely unruffled hair,

Perhaps | having in the meantime cut down and restored to consciousness two tortured Chinese and heard the true story of his daughter’s adventures. This seems to be overdoing the unities. And I won- dered whether the puzzled look on young Handley’s face was due to this same wonder or to the reflection that if he had shed one undesirable father- in-law he had let himself in for another. For, needless to say, they had all met in the famous opium scene when Stacey was naturally not at his best. Mr. D. Lewin MANNERING was suit- ably sinister as Wang Fu; Mr. Tarver Penna’s Ah Fong, the heroine’s cham- pion, made some very pleasant faces and gestures and was less incurably Western thansome of his colleagues; Mr. Cronin Winson’s Jack Stacey seemed a meri-

THE MODEL FLAPPER (CurINessE sry.r). Mr. D. L. Mannerina. Miss Curistine Si.ver. Wang F'u Chanq Che Fu . . torious performance. The part of Che Fu made no particular demand on Miss CurisTINE Sitver’s talent, and Miss Evapneé Price faithfully earned the laughter she was expected to make as | Sua Se, the opium-den attendant. Leave | your critical faculty at home and you will be able to derive considerable en- tertainment from this unambitious show. i

Fashions in Hand-wear. “Amusing contrast is seen in the Riviera and winter sports outfits now on view, with filmy lace, shimmering silks, and glowing velvets on the one hand and thick wool and the stoutest of boots on the other.” Weekly Paper. From a feuilleton :— . . « She was startled by a low sibilant whisper, ‘I've caught you, my girl!’ ”’ Daily Paper.

Try and hiss this for yourself.

THE BARREL OF BEEF.,. westward on the flood. Astern of us, knee-deep in foam, stood the slim column of the Bishop lighthouse, a dark pencil mark on the cloudless sky. To the south the full Atlantic piled the black reefs with hills of snow. Ahead the main islands humped out of the Polsue was forward picking up the marks and carrying on a running com- of dark fluid. attention. ‘er on the corner o' Great Minalte! a tremor of excitement in his voice.

Billy John fished the conger gaff from under the blue and silver heap of mackerel in the well and climbed labor- jiously on to the little half-deck. we were after some sort of flotsam, | blue sea like a school of basking whales. | [ had the tiller and Uncle Billy John | We were dawdling home from the | mentary, punctuated by expectorations | Suddenly something away on the port bow attracted his | He rolled to his feet, stared | for some seconds and shouted, “ Hold | I did as I was bid and sheeted home. | So | could not see what, because Billy John’s | expansive back-view obscured the pros- | pect ahead, but from his tense attitude | I judged that it appeared interesting. He signed to me to come up another couple of points, took a firm grasp of the gaff and leaned over the bows |Then with a creak of straining tackle land a hiss of riven water a gig lus. Was on She swooped out of the blue, swept by not two fathoms to wind- vard and with a boat-hook snapped up the treasure trove (it looked suspiciously leaping like a live thing under her press of canvas. She seemed full of headed men of all ages and was steered by a brindled patriarch who wagged his vermilion beard at us and cackled loudly. I roared with laughter; I had seldom seen anything so consummately slick in my life. influences. He bellowed, he spat, he danced with rage. He cursed the gig’s company collectively and singly, said they were nothing better than common pirates and that they lured ships to des- truction and deyoured the crews—raw. The gig’s company were’ delighted ; they jeered and waved their caps. Billy John trembled with passion. “Who stole the bar'l o’ beef?” he trumpeted through his palms. ‘“‘ Who— stole—the— bar'l—o’— beef ? Hoo hoo!” This last sally had a subduing effect on the gig’s company; they turned

red- } Billy John roared too, but from other like a small keg) right under our very | snaps al noses as adroitly as a lurch hare. She ran on a cable's length, | spun on her heel and slipped away down the sound, a long lean craft,

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December 8, 1920.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

| ' | | | } | } | from St. Helen's, 0’ course; deddn’ you | 8ee their red ‘eads ? eaded over on Helen's great-grandfather the Devil.” ' | &y to compete with they ; we eddn but | Children to ’em.” “Smart! By dang you ’ve said it! Any- CHILDREN’S PRESENTS. Mother. “Isn’? 1 A PERFECT GEM, DAR Son. “WouLpN’T BE SEEN DEAD WITH TRAILING WHEELS?”

their faces away and became absorbed | in the view ahead. Billy John sat down with a grunt of satisfaction. “That settled 'em,” he | grinned. “They dunno who did steal | the bar’l to this day, and each wan do suspect t’other.” — “ St. Martin’s islanders?” I queried. Billy John shook his head. “ Naw, They ‘re all red- take after their “They ‘re pretty smart, anyhow,” said I, x Billy John threw up both hands. thin’ in the way o’ honest work they do leave to us poor mainland grabbers ; they don’t unnerstand it; but come a bit o easy money in the way of wreck- age and we might as well stop bed as “What about this barrel of beef?” asked, Y Billy John chuckled. “Comed to pass years ago, Sir. There was a party of

us over ‘ere crabbin’. My brother —

9” LING ! IT. I ask YOU, Zackariah ’ad married a Helen’s wuin- man, and a brear great piece she were too. They was livin’ on Helen’s upon Lower Town beach, and we lodged with ‘em. “Wan mornin’ before dawn along comes great Susan in her stockined feet. ‘Whist !’ says she, ‘rouse thee out an’ don’t make no noise; I think I heerd a gun from Carnebiggal Ledges.’ “We sneaked out like shadows, got the boat afloat and pulled away, mufflin’ the oars with our caps. We got a fair start; nobody heerd us go. It weren't yet light and the fog were like a bag, but we got there somehow, and sure enough there were a big steamer fast on the rocks. Great Susan were right. Oh, I tell you t’eddn guesswork with thev St. Helen’s folk; male or female they got a nose for a wreck, same as eats for mice, There was a couple o’ ship’s boats standing by on her port side full o’ men. «“¢Where in ‘ell are we?’ shouts ’er skipper as we comed nosing through the fog. ‘I ain’t seen the sun for two days.’ CHRISTMAS,

1920. WHERE'S THE H.P. CYLINDER THAT DRIVES THE CRANK-PINS ON THE

wonderin’ ‘ow we was to plunder she, with them in the road. Time went by and there we was still chattin’ about the weather an’ suchlike damfoolery. Every minute I was expectin’ to see the Helen’s gigs swarmin’ out, and then it wouldn't be pickin’s we'd get but leavin’s. “«’Ere,’ whispers I to Zakky, ‘scare ‘im off for God's sake.’ “<T'll ‘ave a try,’ says ‘e. ‘Say, Mr. Captain, the tide’s makin’. She do come through ‘ere like a river and you'll be swamped for certain. Pull for the shore, sailor.’ cia Will you puot me captain. “«*Naw,’ says Zakky. after my crab-pots; but nephew wid 'e. I'll send my the boy, and the lad takes ’em off into the fog. ‘Now for the plunder, my dears,’ says Zakky ; and we makes for the ship. “But Lor’ bless you, Sir, she were already plundered. While we was

« We told en and lay by chattin’ and chattin’ away on her port side four n?’ says the }

‘] gol to be | “* Keep ‘em lost out in the Sound for | a couple of hours, son,’ he whispers to | |

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458 PUNCH, ‘OR THE LON ‘DON CHAR IVAR L [DecemBer 8, 1920, Helen’s gigs’ crews had boarded her | quietly from starboard and was eatin’ through her like a pest o’ ants. They'd come staggering on deck—fathers, sons and grandfathers—with bundles twice as big nor themselves, toss em into the gigs and go back for more. As for us, we stood like men mazed. I tell you, Sir, a God-fearing man can’t make a livin’ ‘mong that lot; they'll turn a | vessel inside out while he’s thinkin’ how to begin. 3y-’meby they comed on the prize o’ cholan —a bar’) o’ beef. My word, what an outcry! ‘I seed ‘en first!’ ‘Naw, you deddn’; hands off!’ ‘ Leggo; ‘’s mine!’ Quarrellin’ ’mong them- selves now, mark you, beef bein’ as scarce as diamonds in them hard times. Old Hosea—the old toad that you seed steerin’ that gig just now—he puts a stop to et. ‘ Avast ragin’, thou fools,’ says .} “ coastguards will be along in a minute and then there'll be nothin’ for nobody. Set en in my boat an’ I'll divide it up , equal on the beach.’ “ They done as they were told, and away goes old Hosea for the shore, fol- lowed by gigs loaded that deep they could hardly swim. Seein’ they hadn’t left us nothin’ but the bare bones we pulled in ourselves shortly after, and my dear life what a sight we did behold! Fellows runnin’ about the fog on the beach, for all the world the other like shadows on a blind, cursin’, shout- | in’, fightin’, tumblin’ over each other, | huntin’ high and low, and in the mid- | dle of ’em all old Hosea crying out for beef like a wumman after | her first-born. Somebody ’d it! | Mercy me! we mainl: unders lay on our | oars ‘and laughed till the tears rolled | out of us in streams.” | Who did steal it ? | I asked. Billy John nod led | great Susan, o’ course They ‘d forgotten livin’ right upon the beach—wan their own breed. Susan stalked en | | through the fog an’ had en locked in} | her own house before they could turn round. And many a full meal we poor honest mainlanders had off it, Sir, take | it from me.” PATLANDER. his bar’l stole Do you know ?’ J I do, Sir. Why, | she, io’ Our Cynical Municipalities. ‘** Schemes for the relief of the unemployed at ——— include the extension of the cemetery,” Daily Paper. ‘*The constable went to the doorway and found two men, who, when asked to account for their movements, suddenly bolted in different directions, pursued by the , constable.’’— Welsh Paper. | A worthy colleague of the Irish police- | man who in a somewhat similar di- i lemma “ surrounded the crowd.” ,. warehouse VIGNETTES SCOTTISH SPORT. (By a Peckham Highlander.) O BRAWLY sklents the break o’ day On far Lochaber’s bank and brae, And briskly bra’s the Hielan’ burn Where day by day the Southron kern through the bonnie Or Comes busking brake Wi’ rod and creel o’ finest make, And the artfu’ Wi’ a’ the newest kinds o’ fli es, Nor doots that ere the sun’s at rest trout le $ rise in | He'll catch a basket o’ the best. For what ’s so sweet to nose 0’ man As trouties skirrlin’ in the pan Wi’ whiles a nip o’ mountain dew Tae warm the chilly Saxon through And hold the balance fair and right | | jAn« : | Twixt intellect and appetite ? But a’ in vain the Southron throws | Abune each trout’s suspectfu’ nose \His gnats and coachmen, greys and] brouns, : And siclike gear that’s sold in touns, | And a’ in vain the burn he whups Frae earliest sunrise till the tups | Wi’ mony a wean-compelling “ meeeh! ; ‘er : Announce the punctual close of day. Then hameward by the well-worn | track | Gangs the disgruntled Sassenach, | And, having dined off mou ntain sheep, Betakes him moodily to sleep. And “ Ah! saber Im |! A clansman kilted to the kr Wi sporran, plaid and buckled shoe, — Caledonian whuskers too! Would [ could wake the pibroch’ ' nroes ” he cries icht be ee, ae t lA And live on parritch and peas brose (nd spurn the ling wi’ knotty knees, | The dourest Scot fra Esk tae Tees! For only such, I'll answer for ’t, | Are rightly built for Hielan’ sport, "| Gan: stalk Ben Le di’s antlered stag Fr scaur to scaur and crag tae crag, Cr: a ing like serrp nts through the grass | On waumies bound wi’ triple brass ; | Can find themselves at set o’ sun, Wi’ sandwiches and whusky gone, | And twenty miles o’ scaur and fell | iF ra Miss MeOstric hy’ ~ hot el, | Yet utter no revilin’ word Against the undiminished herd Of antlered monarchs of the glen That never crossed their eagle ken : But a’ unfrettit turn and say, ‘Hoots, but the sport ’s been grand the day!’ For none but Scotsmen born and bred, When ither folk lie snug in bed, Would face yon cauld and watery pass, The eerie peat-hag’s dark morass, Where wails the whaup wi’ mournful screams, Tae wade a’ day in icy streams An’ flog the burn wi’ feckless flies Though ilka trout declines tae rise Then hameward crunch ¥ wi’ empty y snail Tae sit and hark wi’ unquenched zeal Tae dafties’ tales o’ lonesome tarns Cramfu’ o’ trout as big as barns.” E’en thus the envious Southron girds Complainin’ fate wi’ bitter words For a’ the virtues she allots Unto the hardy race o’ Scots And when the sun the brae’s abune He taks the train to London toun, Vowing he ne’er again will turn Tae Scottish crag or Hielan’ burn, But hire a punt and fish for dace At Goring or some ither place ALGOL EFFECT AND CAI SE. THE bell was knelling : dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong Inside the Hall there was 1 thing | but gloom. Suddenly the echoes were startled by |a loud knocking on the door: rat, tat, | tat, tat, tat, tat, ratta, tatta, tatta, tatta, tat, tat. | Who could it be ? | The old servitor shambled to undo | the bolts. As he opened the door the wind rushed in, carrying great flakes of snow with it and an icy blast pene- trated to every corner of the | There followed a man muffled up to the eyes in a vast much red a red scarf ( not so s pink, salmon co | he proceeded gradually to unwind, 1% eth the feature of Mi } |vealing at len | James Tod Brown, the senio part lof the firm of Brown, Brown & Brow! of Little Britain. Save for a curi nervousness ol speech W hile cau him to repeat every remark several times, Mr. James Tod Brow wa \ typical lawyer, in the matter of ability far in advance of either of | partners Brown or Brown. ‘Dear me,” he said, “dear me, deat me! This is very sad, very sad—very | sudden too, very sudden And what tut, tut, dear, dear, let me see—what was the cause of—ah What was the cause—what was it that occasioned the how did your master come to die? Yes, how did your master come to die? * 7K cad * “ Whatisit allabout?” asks the reader. Well, as it may appear ; the madness ; a story by one of the popular nein authors in America, to whom 1 American editor has offered twenty nao a word. At the present rate of exchange such commissions are not to be trifled with. there is method 1 most “ Wanted, experienced Parlourmaid for 4 good home, where the household does not | change.”—Local Paper. appnnnity “no washing.” ‘ ; mae it 1s not quite $0 pte for this is a passage ts | 6 PRAT ALLE a & g | te’ a ee “teed ai

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DME pagan fag $5 ah SOC Hm rg mae itis it So ; Novell «Yen rae ot Soe ae i i § ie & & December 8, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 459 Cheerful Sportsman. “Wc.10, OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) Mr. JoserH HeRGESHEIMER, for whose work as a novelist I have more than once expressed high admiration, has now brought together seven long-short stories under the} collective title of The Happy End (Hervemany). Lest however this name and the little preface, in which the writer asserts that his wares “have but one purpose—to Bive pleasure,” should lead you to expect that species of happy ending in which Jack shall have Jill and naught shall go ill, I think a word of warning may not be wasted. In only three of the tales is the finish a matter of conven- tional happiness. Elsewhere you have a deserted husband, who has tracked his betrayer to a nigger saloon in Atlantic City, wrested from his purpose of murder by a revivalist hymn ; a young lad, having avenged the destruction of his home, returning to his widowed mother to await, one sup- poses, the process of the law; or an over-fed war profiteer stricken with apoplexy at sight of a boat full of the starved victims of a submarine outrage. You observe perhaps that the epithet « happy ”’ is one to which the artist and the casual reader may attach a different significance. But let not any- thing I have said be considered as reflecting upon the tales themselves, which indeed seem to me to be masterpieces of their kind. Personally my choice would rest on the last, « The Thrush in the Hedge,” a simple history of how the voice of a young tramp was revealed by his chance meeting with a blind and drug-sodden fiddler who had once Papre! I SBE YOUR LATE COLLEAGUE | create a possible but not actual figure like Potter and, using played in opera—a thing of such unforced art that its con- HAS GONE ON AHEAD,” cluding pages, when the discovery is put to a final test, shake the mind with apprehension and hope. A writer who can make a short story do that comes near to genius, If you wish to play the now fashionable game of news- paper-proprietor-baiting you can, with Miss Rose Macaunay, it for stalking-horse, duly point your moral; or, with Mr. W. L. George in Caliban (MeTHvuEn), you can begin by mentioning all the well-known figures in the journalistic world by way of easy camouflage, so as to evade the law of libel, call your hero-villain Bulmer, attach to him all the legends about actual newspaper kings, add some malicious distortion to make them more exciting and impossible, and thoroughly let yourself go. Good taste alone willdecide which is the cleaner sport, and good taste does not happen to be the fashion in certain literary circles at the moment. Of course Mr. Grorae, being a novelist of some skill, has pro- vided a background out of his imagination. The most interesting episode, excellently conceived and worked out, is the only unsuccessful passage in Lord Bulmer’s life, the wooing of Janet Willoughby. The awkward thing for Mr, GerorGE is that he has so splashed the yellow over Bulmer in the office that there is no use in his pretending that the Bulmer in Mrs. Willoughby’s drawing-room is the same man in another mood. He just isn’t. Incidentally the author gives us the best defence of the saffron school of journalism [ve read—a defence that's a little too good to believe; and some shrewd blows above (and, as I have hinted, occa- sionally below) the belt. ee 1 SLATE BS airy pier tem i, tig ig ales eit

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460 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {[DecemBeEr 8, 1920,

I want to give the epithet “lush” to The Breathless Moment (Lane), and, although the dictionary asks me as far as in me lies to reserve that adjective for grass, I really don’t see why, just for once, I shouldn't do what I like with it. Lush grass is generally long and brightly coloured —*luxuriant and succulent,” the dictionary says—and that is exactly what Miss Muritet Huine’s book is. She tells the story of Sabine Fane, who, loving Mark Vallance, per- suaded him to pass a honeymoon month with her before he went to the Front, though his undesirable wife was still alive. In allowing her heroine to suffer the penalty of this action Miss Hine would appear, as far as plot is concerned, to discourage such adventures. But Sabine is so charm- ing, her troubles end so happily and the setting of West Country scenery is so beautiful that, taken as a whole, I should expect the book to have the opposite effect. The picture of a tall green wave pro- [> 3. w.. -u.. .4 vm pelling a very solid rainbow, which adorns the paper wrap- per and as an advertisement has cheered travellers on the Tube for some weeks past, has no real connection with the story, but perhaps is meant to be symbolical of the book, which, clever and well written as it is, is almost as little like | what happens in real life. The Uses of Diversity (Mn- THUEN) is the title of a little volume in which Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON has reprinted a selection of his shorter essays, fugitive pieces of journalism, over which indeed the casual reader may experience some natural bewilderment at find- ing, what is inevitable in such work, the trivialities of the day before yesterday treated with the respect of contemporary regard. Many of the papers are inspired by the appearance of a particular book or play. I can best illustrate what I have said above by a quotation from one of them, in which the MORE WORRIES OF GAMEKEEPER.” The Goat. “Wri, I’m THE

The Goat. “Wo arr you?” The Man (greatly disturbed), “Wao? Mr? I—I’m THE NEw OLD BILKS THE SORCERER TOOK TO POACHING LATELY, AND I WAS FOOL ENOUGH TO CATCH HIM AT IT.” constitutes himself the annalist of the family, its private affairs and its professional business in the commerce of literature and art. notwithstanding that its members are little involved in furious adventures or thrilling romance, is established at | t The right of the family to its annals, | once by the very remarkable character of the Reverend | Thomas Grey. The duty upon you to read them depends, | as the prologue hints, upon whether you are greatly interested in life and not exclusively intent on fiction. | When I realised that I must expect no more than an | account, without climax, of years spent as a tale that is | told, I accepted the conditions subject to certain terms of my own. The family must be an interesting one and not too ordinary; the sons, Thomas (whose creed was “ Givi yourself,” and whose application of it was such that it usually wrecked the person to whom the gift was made) dg RESINS | Dick the artist, and John the novelist, must be very muc! alive; if the big adventures were missing the little pro blems must be faced; the ques tion of sex must not be over =| Jooked; and of humour none of the characters must be de void, and the historian himsel! must be full. Mr. Niven failed me in no particular, Miss F. E. Mirus YOUNG, in Imprudence (HoppER and STOUGHTON), is not at the top of her form, but a neat and effective finish makes some amends for a performance which is, like the wind in a weather report, mainly moder- ate or light. The heroine, Pru dence Graynor, was the child of her father’s second marriage, LY # 4 \iand she was afflicted with a by 1," Mes ON, THE MIDDLE AGES. and one quite detestable half- brother. This battalion was it submitted to her orders and caprices in a way incompre- hensible to Prudence—and inci- LATE GAMEKEEPER. YOU SEE,

author wrote (d propos of the silver goblets in Henry VIII. at His Majesty's) that he supposed such realism might be extended to include “a real Jew to act Shylock.” For those who recall a recent triumph, this flight of imagination will now have an oddly archaic effect. It is by no means the only passage to remind us sharply that much canvas has gone over the stage rollers since these appreciations were written. Unquestionably Mr. Cuesterton, with the unstaled enter- tainment of his verbal! acrobatics, stands the ordeal of such revival better than most. Even when he is upon a theme so outworn as the “ Pageants that have adorned England of late,” he can always astonish with some grave paradox. But for all that I still doubt whether journalism so much of the moment as this had not more fitly been left for the pleasure of casual rediscovery in its original home than served up with the slightly overweighting dignity of even so small a volume. In A Tale That Is Told (Couuis), Mr. Freperick Niven throws himself into the personality of Harold Grey, who

is the youngest son of an “eminent Scottish divine,” and

: dentally tome. The Graynors and also the Morgans were of “influential commercial stock,” and both families were so essentially Victorian in their out- look and manner of living that I was surprised when 1914 was announced. The trouble with this story is that too many of the characters are drawn from the stock-pot. But l admit that, before we have done with them, they acquire a certain distinction from the adroitness with which the author extricates them from apparently hopeless situations.

Praise from ‘‘ The Times.”’ “WantED.—Six White Leghorn Cockerels; 6 Black Minorca Cockerels, Must lay eggs.’’—Times of Ceylon.

“A dreamy professor in a dim romantic laboratory may light upon a placid formula and, like Aladdin, roll back the portals of the enchanted fastness with a tranquil open sesame.”— —— Magazine. But why should his laboratory be dim when he has Ali Baba's wonderful lamp to light it ?

battalion of elderly half-sisters | commanded by one Agatha, and |

at) fee haga ing wi sal mite piaSaper pernepesmcee terre

eo wo’ <a — © @ EP he — 2 oe bee bet Oo fed ~

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Oe ih $$ ___—_____. Tah Ww 5 992 DTTAYCY * > m , ms a 2 3 “9 LL mnstientalonitatigiietianin Deceuven 1, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 461 | Bolshevist wireless message, when| assigned is the depressi f pre CHARIVARIA. Lent left Petrograd for Bo nh) assigned is the depressing effect of the i mg i JENT etrograd for Moscow. We! Dean. ApparENTLY the official decision not | can well believe it. 7 : A 8 ANITA Saale 5 $0 19800 . age sn cet = -_ ia oe ; Of several hats caught up in a recent for journeys of less than one hundrec [he Bolshevists now forbid men to whirlwind it was observed that the lim - ; } i : » ine ‘anienca all ‘ = “ 2 c at t ' | miles will inflict some inconvenience | walk through the streets with their! one with the largest circulation was a i on the public. Several correspondents hands in their pockets. Hands in other! « Sandringham.” . point out that they will be obliged to| peoples’ pockets every time is their fan | travel further than they had intended. | motto. A judge has decided that it is ultra 4 i ‘ 4 7 i t | i 4 } ia ce «te vires for a municipal body to run a | oa A newspaper correspondent describes A palpitating writer in a Sunday | public laundry. Apparently this is to i | Cuartin CHAPLIN as being an amusing} paper asks if the summit of English! remain a monopoly of the Royal Courts 14 ’ | companion in private life. We always | life is being made a true Olympus or a} of Justice. : \ a | suspect a popular comedian of having | rooting-ground for the swine of Ept- ; | his lighter moments. curus. Judging by the present exor-| “The telephone,” we are told, “ was | ' - bitant price of a nice tender loin of| cradled in a dead man’s ear.” As far | 7 > os wo ?* awa « i ° * | e i | “For twenty years, says a contem-| pork, with crisp crackling, we should} as we can ascertain the other end of ' | rary, “Superintendent Spencer of | say the former. ours is still there. | Scotland Yard has been watching the | Brey * 2 . j . J “ i! | King. We hasten to add that during! A West Norwood man who de Seventy is suggested by the London | all that time His Ma- per eee ea ee ———— County Council as the | JESTY has never done : age limit at which ! janything to excite ‘i | coroners should retire. | P | suspicion. Complete justice can- ae not be done as long as | 1 | This year’s Oxford | and Cambridge Rugby match is said to have been the most exciting in the memory of the oldest undergraduate. According to The | Daily Expresstwenty- five thousand Goy- ernment officials are on strike in Austria. People are asking why we can't have this sort of thing in Eng- land. ’ | Official kissing at Presidential functions is now discontinued in France and visitors must shake hands in future. These curtailed amenities are still an improvement on the Mexican custom of exchanging revolver shots. “Hats,” says The Times’ fashion head.” We have always regarded this as the best place to wear a hat on. White spats are to be fashionable this winter, we read. In muddy weather, however, the colour-scheme may be varied. Only the other day we saw one gentleman wearing a beautiful pair of Dalmatians. So many singers want to run before they can walk, says Mr. Ben Davies. ith some singers whom we have heard, the ability to dodge as well as run would be an advantage. ~ L Loud cheers were given, sayS a Ot renitenee correspondent, ‘are worn well on the | orn prasomerareasn POKER-PLAYER’S SECRET MAKE-UP OUTFIT. Disquises your el -and-sixpence post free in plain wrappé Will pay for itself many times over x] ution when you hold a fat hand. there is anything in | the shape of identity lof interest between oner and the the cor co pse | “The natural posi | tion of the eyeballs in $1 ‘ep, Says a corre- spondent of The Daily | Mail, “is turned up | wards.” The practice | of leaving them stand i] tumbler of | water all night should he particularlyavoided fa 7 Mp jing in a iby heht sleepel 3. | os F | We are asked to 'deny the rumour that scribed himself as a poet told the that he had twice been knocked down by a motor-cyclist. Our opinion is that he should have given up poetry when he was knocked down the first time. magistrate Mr. Wiyston CuurcniLt cannot be in two places at once, says The Bristol All the same it Is a | | | } | } | | } | Eve ning News. dangerous thing to put lim on his mettle like that. Many people remain oblivious of the approach of Christmas until the appear- ance of mistletoe at Covent Garden. We don’t wait for that; we go by the letter announcing the discovery of prim- roses in Thanet. Measures to arrest the subsidence oi the dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral have again become imperative. The cause appearance in The Daily Mail of a} the Porr LauRKATE 1s entitled to draw ithe unemployment donation | } | Theatre-Fashions in Malta. * The House was full to its utmost capacit | the elegant night dresses and toilettes of the | ladies presenting a fine aspect "Malta Pape | “Ve Olde —— Hotel. Hot 1 Cold Sheets.” Daily Paper. | Produced, we assume by a watel hottle and ¢.). | (h. } “Ta ' ' } Dry CHAMPAIGN IN POLLING IN EpInsurcH. Provi the Scots seem al Paper. | Judging by the results, j still to preter the local vintage | There was a young high-brow of Sutton | Who lived on hot air and cold mutton; He knew not of GROCK, But he idolized Brock ' la don’t mean the sculptor, but CLur- TON). | VOL, CLIX,

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> PUN ‘CH, OR THE L ONDON CH ARIV ARL [DECEMBER 15, 1920, TO THE LION OF LUCERNE, Tixo, before you went away To crouch behind a sheltering Alp, How strong the limelight used play About your bald, but kingly, scalp! And now, emerging from the shelf (A site where Kings are seldom happy), You must be pleased to find yourself Once more resilient on the tapis Over your past (Out, damnéd spots!) With lavish bucketfuls you paint The whitewash on to clean its blots And camouflage the Teuton taint; From WitwiaM and the family tie Protesting your unbridled freedom, *I know you not, old man,” you cry, ‘Fall to your prayers—you badly need For Athens, to your great content, Calls you to be her guiding star (Only a paltry one per cent Wanted to where you are And you've agreed to take it on, Jumped at the prospect Fate discloses And thought, “ With VENEzELos gone Life will be one long bed of But mark the Forgetting, That England, Might have a word to say to Might, if for love of your fair Greece should decide again to Conceivably withdraw supplies And cut with Roar Joud, O But lo, Britannia’s shore Another Lion takes his turn And gives a lout ier Meaning, “ It suit m To subsidise two | ’ ' em leave you roses oversight you made, you waxed so whom you while fat, betrayed, that; eyes wobble, once her oft half an obol, Lion of Lucerne! upon rather roar: views beano, And Greece will therefore have to ec} Between her tummy her aoesn t sorts of 10o0se and TINO. O.S. ABOUT GOLF. GOLF is ebviously the worst game in the world. I doubt indeed whether it is a game at all. It is played with a ball, about which, though much, I will say little. have a heart of oak o1 go through a 16 I could say I will not decide whether it should heart of gold, whether it should a plate-glass window, whether it should sink like the German ges or float like the Brit- ish. Enough, if not too mu standard ball. Golf is also played with inch ring o , has been said about the a number of striking implements more intricate in shape than those used in any other form of recreation except dentistry. Let so much be agreed. Now, quite plainly, the essential idea under ly ing all games played with a ball, whether a elub, cue be added or no, is that some interference “p35 take place with the enemy's action, some thwarting of intent. In Rugby football, to take a case, w! used, it is permissible to seiz stick, mallet, bat or his purpose or ere no mallet is »an opponent by the whiskers and sling him over your right shoulder, afterwards stamp- ing a few times on his head or his stomach. him badly. form, to the g This thwarts The same principle applies, though in a milder game of cricket, where you attempt to beat the poiepr sip s bat with your ball, or, if you have the | vat. to steer the ball between your adversaries, or at least to make | | them jolly well wish that you would. Even with the baser and less heroic ball games, like and billiards, where more than one ball is used la time, action inimical to the interests of the oppe ynent’s ball is permit ted and encouraged. Indeed in the good old a Lys of yore, when croquet was ine so strictly Sclentific, a | | ere ne uet ' lshrewd sudden stroke—the ankle shot, we called it, for, after all. the fellow w: is probably not wearing boots—well, |] Praveen you remempbet it; and I have once succeeded in | paralysing the enemy’s cue arm with the red; but this ) | ° ineeds a lot of luck as well as strength, and is not |to be practised by the beginner, especially on public tables | We come then to golf, and see at once that, wit! itl e and cowardly exception of laying the stymie, a stroke again he miserabl jthere is no stroke in this game that fulfils the proper con- i ditions which should | use ol involving the spherical objects with or without instruments of pereuss on. And yet we read column after counters and desperate strugeg govern athletic contests | column about fierce en- sles between old antagonists, | when as a matter of fact there is no struggle, no encountei all. Against no other ball game but golf, unless - rhaps it be roulette, can this accusation be laid. Ask a mar happened last Saturda “| went out, ‘havens, enti el $ if he was the British, Expeditionary Force, “in 41: il came smiles triumphantly; you | hospital ship, the cheering crowds 9 in 39.” | beat fellow or not he hardly remembers, j; there was in fact no particular reason why the other fellow should have been there home” he see the the other | Golf matches ought to be arranged, and for my part I shall arrange them in future, as follows: He, Can you play on Saturday at Crump ? I. No, I’m not playing this week He. Next week then ? I. Yes, at Blimp. He. 1 can’t come to Blimp. | J. Well, let’s play all the same. Your score this weel lat Crump against mine next week at Blimp, and we'll hay tive bob on it. [’m not quite sure what his retort is, but you ta pount. lt is manifestly absurd to drag the psycho joe gical element into this cold-blooded mathematical pursuit | my After a a that England has done and come through in the last few years, is a man in baggy knickerbockers, with tufts ion the pte of his garters, going to be daunted and foiled } | just because a man in slightly baggier knickerbockers and | with slightly larger tufts on his garters has hit a small white pellet a little further than he has? Hardly, I think. That is why, when I read long letters in the principal daily papers about the expense of this so-called game, and calculations as to whether it can be played for twenty-five shillings a time, I am merely amused. In my opinion, if the relatives of members of golf-clubs cannot afford to support them, these institutions should either be closed or the inmates should be provided with some better game, like basketball. That is what I feel about gol! All the same, if Enderby really thinks and believes that because in a nasty cross-wind I happened to be Ssliclns a and didn’t know we lfth, bealked and lost a ball at the and he holed twice out of bunkers and certainly me by sniffing on the fifteenth tee, and laid a mark you, of places at the seventeenth, that I can’t beat him three times out of five in normal conditions and not with that appalling caddy—— well, I the course stymuie, ; t } ll suppose hallucinations, mustn’t one ? Evoer. Whether he | bee Luse | less than | one must do one’s best to relieve a fellow-creature of his | 7 4 iA | : —

Page 521

SR SO RROROR! AET EL RR R:

ALLOY HAS MORE ‘Tt SHILLING. i.” fy y) E BOBLI 7 4 Tt NEW POWE MEAN.” ‘ 4

THE

YOU

IS PURCHASING = . ee — wick 4 >) - de \ \ — ASAE AEESENSS WO H Britannia (counting her change). “ WHAT'S THIS?” Our Mr. CHampernary. THAN

T ——— — 1 ttt ~ MADAM, JAKNESS, = v — ' _ = an | a ec = = “os — ! n= es . : aa . = < — = ns — x a — 3} ae | —_ a E 1} o acs a if a FR if an ue a 1} © — 1 “ PURCHASING OLD, BUT ‘ 4

THE Britannia.

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v ™— ~ ~ . ne, = ~ ~ — ~ ~ ~ ~ = Host (oy vay of kee; s guest § mind off lit late of tf Guest. “ WHAT WITH THIS MUD, AND Yot |days of Jim Corperr no more polishec jexponent of the fistic art has ident sends us | th ring than OUR HEAVY-WAITS. Our Boxing Correspor our Bombardier Billy. the following gloomy forecast. Wehave! Thunders of appla ise greeted his ap- pointed out to him that Mr. Cocuran | pearance in the as recently made a detinite contract | night oraced ‘mystic square ” last i He flashed round his ponderous | for a meeting between Dempsry and | opponent, ing CARPENTIER. Our Corre spol dent replies | purity of his style, the accurac \ of his} that this does not affect his attitude, | hitting, the brilliance of his foot-work. und urges us to publish his predic-|He held the vast audience spell-bound. tions of further de lay. We do sounder} BECKET? won esmerising him with the on a knock-out in the protest. second round. Paris, December 22nd, 1920 M. Des- CHAMPS (CARPENTIER’S Manager) denies all knowledge of any agreement with Mr. CocHRAN. Mail points out the fearful tension the New York, December 24th, 1920.—Mr. peace of Europe is undergoing through C. B. Cocnran says that Descuamps|the continued must be dotty. London, August 11th, 1924—-My.| Lovat Fraser in a powerful article| (written entire/y in italies) in The Daily \ differs nce bet ween He (C. B.) is returning | Messrs. Cocnuran and DrscHamps, and by the Mauretania to-morrow. ldemands to know what the Premier London, April 17th, 1923.—As Mr.| is doing about it CocHRAN and M. Descuamrs have not} Lond on, August 24th, 1924.—Mr.| . 4 i yet come to an agreement the fight for} Luoyp Grorer, acting under Mr. Lovat the World’s Heavy-Weight Champion-| Fraser's orders, has gone to Lympne| ship is indefinitely postponed. Jor| (kindly lent by Sir Prin Sassoon), Beckett meets Bombardier WeLts| where he will be joined by Mr. Cocnray, | to-night at the Circle. | M. DescHamrs and M. Mrnueranp. Loudon, April 18th, 1923.—Since the | > London, Septe mber 30th, 1924.—The | | 1} 464 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (December 15, 1920, Whole civilised Wo ld will re hear that the differences betwee! C. B. Cocuran and M. Descu have at last been amicably settled. 1 great fight for the world’s heavy, championship is fixed to take 7 lace ; Olympia on November 17th. Demrst is to receive £100,000, Carrenru £75.000. London, October 4th, 1924 Lt: } ) i }that Olympia was already booked | Novembet tor Thu Daily Ma s Id Pyjama Exhibition, and Mr.C. B. Cocu tAN has to-day issued a communiqué to | the Press Association to the effect that the contest will be held definit« ly Ins (Channel Islands) on December 23 He has hired the entire Cunard and | White Star Fleets for the day, and thos who cannot find standing room on the* land will be provided with seats and telescopes in the ships’ riggings. All will be welcome at fifty guineas a he New York, Octobe 6th, 1924.,—DEmMP SEY denies that he is meeting CARPF> riER on December 23rd. He laughs at | the idea of fighting for £100,000 “ Heaven knows Iam not mercenary,

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tana December 15, 1920.) y he says, “but there’s such a thing as a living wage.” London, October fth, 19:24. to our reporter yesterday, says that he and will in future concentrate on per forming seals. London, October 10th, 1924.—A sensa tion was caused at the Circle last night into the ring and offered to fight anyone living to a finish for five pounds and a pint of beer for the sheer fun of the thing. Thedisturber, who wasobviously out of his senses, was quickly removed His identity has not so far been estab- lished, but he is thought to bea fighter of theold school escaped from confinement No authoritative announcement has been made as to who will Mr. Cocuran’s extensive boxing en- gagements, but rumour is busy with the name of Mr. Manuapy-Drxruey. New York, January 31st, 1925. Mr. W. Brapy, the veteran fight-pro- assunie GrorGES CARPENTIER to meet at Ha | yana, Cuba, on Easter Monday, 1925 | Dempsey will draw £200,000, Carrer TIER £150,000. New York, February Sth, 1925. Mr. Tex Rickarps (promoter of the JEFFRIES - JOHNSON contest) now come forward, stating that Dempsey and CarPENTIER have signed a contract has Shrove Tuesday, for a quarter-of-a- million each. New York, February 19th, 1925 Mr.C. B. Cocuran, who arrived on the two champions have contracted to meet under his management at Tristan d’Acunha on Good Friday for half-a- million each and a percentage on the popcorn and peanut sales. New York, March 3rd, 1925.—With the view of lifting the national depres- Mr. Henry Forp, whose successes as to bring about a conciliatory meeting between the rival promoters. New York, July 12th, 1925.—Mr. prayers of the Rey. WrniAmM Sunpay, have at length borne fruit. Messrs. Brapy, Cocuran and Rickarps have consented to talk matters over. The White House has been placed entirely at the disposal of the promoters, their families, secretaries, legal advisers, ete. Washington, D.C., July 20th, 19:25. r. Henry Forp’s “ Peace Party” has hot proved an unqualified success. Battle royal broke out among the dele- Nectarine PUNCH, OR THE Mr. | C. B. Cocuran, in an interview granted | has done with fight-promoting for ever | when an old man jumped unannounced | moter, has signed up J. Dempsey and | Fol- lowing Mr. W. Brapy’s announcement, | with him to fight at Nome, Alaska, on | Aquitania this morning, says that the | sion consequent on the hitch in the} world’s championship arrangements, | a mediator are celebrated, is labouring | Henry Forp’s efforts, fortified by the| | | | } entrant in a Novice Coni} KEEP Second (to stout THE BELL GORS RUSH AT 'IM AN’ | , r ” Fg POF A % V2 , 2 elilvon}). + Now, DON FORGET FLITTIN’ IN AN’ OUT LIKE BITS O° AS SOON AS FORKED Cocuran and Rickarps have been taken ito hospital, but are not expected to re- leover. The White House is in ruins. PiGHt. The fight for Tor GREAT Geneva, July Lth, L960. |the Heavyweight Championship of the overbalanced World, held under the auspices of the | League of Nations, took place yesterday | before a gigantic crowd. Dempsey, who | now wears a flowing white beard, was | wheeled into the ring in a bath-char. | CARPENTIER, now wholly bald, appeared | on crutches and was seconded by two l trained nurses and his youngest grand- cates at noon yesterday. Messrs. Brapy, | son. Both champions were assisted to ltheir feet by their supporters, shook | hands and immediately clinched. In this clinch they remained throughout the entire round, fast asleep. At the open- ing of the second round they attempted to clinch again, but missed each other, the mat. Neither could be persuaded to get up, and consequently both were counted out. It is therefore impossible to Say who won or who lost, and the Heavyweight Championship of the World remains as Open a question as ever, PATLANDER. and went to © Sermatinte sei sik eae a aa Sacicadeatectanananns NR Re AR EASE Se I

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PUNC H, [December 15, 1920, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL EVE VICTORIOUS. “ AREN’? girls funny, Uncle Alan?” said Christopher. Christopher,” I answered, “ girls are the very dickens. You can’t trust Never have anything to do with girls, my boy.” “I’m not going to,” said Christopher. This is what we said to each other If either of us had thought But that’s the usual ‘em. afterwards. of it before way, of course. Christopher and I were sitting by the fire. We were very peaceful and happy together, pretending to look at a book but really doing nothing at all. Then Dorothy came into the room. Dorothy is Christopher's cousin and six years old. Not that her age matters six, sixteen or sixty, they are all the same “ What Dorothy “ Nothing,” contentedly ‘I wanted you to come and play with 9. are you doing inquired murmured Christopher me. Christopher shuffled uneasily and | came to the rescue. “ Not now, Dorothy,” | said ; * we} ** Cooee! a voice from the far-away. We laughed guiltily to our- selves and settled downinthechair. The scheme proceeded according to plan. Aftersundry sn ieks and screeches and whistles Dorothy grew impatient and adopted bolder tactics. ‘You can’t find me,” she called hope- fully | felt that i couragement came + t was time for a little en- “]T wonder where she can be?” I said loudly. There was a long silence. At last “ Look under the armchair in the hall,” she ealled. Christophe and I smiled to ourselves. Then suddenly we heard her creeping towards t] I blame Christopher ifor what f She |. Dorothy grew despr rate. 1 COO! oll wed s co whispered eX- itedly nm. * Chere We ime to think. was ho } ] 4 Christopher’s fault for gett “Come on,” I said desperately. We | crawled out and stood up. , | “ What on earth——” began Cecilia. | I managed a watery smile. “ Herve we are,” I said to Dorothy. Dorothy looked at us in surprise. “You are untidy,” she said. “ What- ever have you been doing?” | Christopher swallowed indignantly “We were playing ‘ Hide and Seek’ with you,” he said. “Oh, I stopped playing a long time ago,” said Dorothy. “I’m reading F now.” She turned to our book again ce Cecilia began to laugh. # “Come and have a wash, Christo A ridi- | beginning what we said to each ot slipped rapidly undet the table. culous thing to do, of course: So undig- nified. I kick myself when I think of] it, but at the time-— Well, it was ng excited. | pher,” I said in a strangled voice, and we moved off sheepishly. | a* | “Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan? | | said Chi istopher. girls une Well, | told Vou at “Christopher,” L answered, “ \ ithe very . HICH EXPLOSIVE ART. Post has been cor ing The J ing luc i So there we were squashed under the | vigorous campaign against singers w! | ? t . ‘ re le t | table when the door opened and Dorothy | P= with careful and prolonged tra | j “ lar by bhi pasmodic and declamat | appeared. : 3 the t of ** gaspers.” : “T don’t believe —*’ she began, and ’ ive , ” yy oung to I ‘ful aims are too comfortable. Come and have a| then stopped. “Why, thev’re not here,” | O# = ies hacen eg — look at this book with us. she gasped. Andthen Christopher spoilt | \ . fancy names like Joan an Dorothy looked at me as though she | everything by spluttering I strangled Jasper, ae : had just realised my presence ihim at onee and we hoped that [ hope vou '] read (and duly heed . : : : : | r Vornina Post uvo »“oas 1 want Christopher to come and| Dorothy hadn't heard. We saw her Lhe Morning £ ost upon the * gas} play with me, she repeat “ ne B hm eandn e very still by the door. |; ot the “fag” that is turned A hristophe r has a fine old-fashioned I ven they ved quickly round the | ough that often proves a rasp lea of a host’s duty to his guests. He} table to the fireplace. Christopher and | 7- 4 . | ‘ Rofl cigs ; i ise | Upon the larynx; here the nou stifled a yawn and slid from my knee | held our breaths and d. Wesaw ree “d ’ wee : } Denotes the human, singing «All right, Dorothy, he said. “‘What|that Dorothy w pulling our chal shall we play ? }round to face the fire. Then she sat | Rome was not builded in a day, Dorothy skipped like a young lamb jherself in it and all we could see was Nor even row-boats (teste CLAs! Hide and Seek,” she sang. “I’ll go| the back of the cha | No more are voices which will s . : i Th ' 1 : and hide. Don't look till I call There was a great silence. Christo Unlike the organ of the gasp She danced gaily and triumphantly |pher and I looked at each other and out of the room. | decided that something must be done. Attorneys need, before they start Now I don’t mind being snubbed and I cleared my throat quietly. “Cooee! Five years of training, but the | if l a spot of a child who ought to have been kept in the nursery Of it certainly shouldn't trouble about course s | | | fluted le ud voice Dorothy began to sing a hymn in a} | Who grudges one to vocal art Will end, as he began, a gaspe . . » | 1 Wherefore, ye men and maids w! ridiculous even to begin explaining, isn’t} And then Cecilia came into the room. SR ll de ‘ : , » | . ‘ : . . . : chi nt, it? The thing’s obvious No, I felt} Now Cecilia is Ch istopher’s mother ; , ¢ ‘ " | P } , Refrain at all costs from exasper- that Dorothy should be taught a lesson; | and my sister. You will understand that ) : 7 ‘ " | . , : lating The Morning Post, which ean't that is all. I thought it would be good | neither Christopher nor I would care ie ‘ | ; ’ z | a8) le the methods of the ga yp | for her. | to appear ridiculous in front of her. So : | “That settles Dorothy,’ I said delib- | we ke pt quiet | ae om | erately. ‘“‘ Now we can go on reading.” | “ Hallo, Dorothy,” said Cecilia; “all | Another Impending Apology. ae But she wants me to go and look | by yourself? W here 's Christopher ? xg ,. a Hall was filled last night | for her,”’ explained Christopher. | “I’m reading Christopher's book,’ | people, with Scottish song—and with " ” | y we } “Then let her want,” I said shortly. | said Dorothy, ignoring the question. | Perhaps nothing but th Urpheus (nol “ Wecan't always be—— Christopher, |“ May ] | could have done that.""— Si ob we'll havea game with Dorothy. We'll! “Ofcourse, dear,” said Cecilia, sitting | TH: J ; - . ; aw iH JAPANESI SUDGET | stop where we are and let her look for|down. There was a lot more silence. v 1 | herself. lit grew very hot and uncomfortable The Cabinet has approve “ the Budge j Christophe chuckled. “ She ‘ll be | under the table. which totals 1.562 million ven (about 2s.).” awfully angry,” he said uncertainly. “Whatshall we do, I nele?” whispered | Jersey Paper. rn oT os hig é, Good!” said I. | Christopher. | Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, please copy. ! —_ —» 7

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE POWER OF SENTIMENT. PUNCH, a DecempBer 15, 1920. | ! | ' | | | | | |

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468 | Of that total, nine are places | where men can buy things to | | manage to PUNC H, OR THE LONDON CHAR IVARL (Dacumne rk 15, 1920, LITTLE BITS OF LONDON. Bonp Srreer. I Finn it very difficult to walk slowly | down Bond Street as one ought to do ; | I always feel so guilty. Most of the people there look scornfully at me as if I belonged to Whitechapel, and the rest look suspiciously at me as if | belonged to Bond Street are neither enough. good enough nor bad tense expression of a man who is merely using Bond Street as a thoroughfare, because it is the way to his dentist—as indeed in my case it is. Bat recently | I did saunter in the proper way, and 1 took a most thrilling inventory of the|c principal classes of shops, the results of | which have now been tabulated by my statistical department. ‘eee For instance, do you know how many shops in the street sell things for ladies to wear | (not including boots, jewe llery No? Well, there are thirty- three. Not many, is it? But then there are| twenty-one jewellers (includ- | ing pearl shops) and eight boot | and/or shoe shops; sothat,with | two sort of linen places, which | may fairly be reckoned AS | female, the ladies’ total is sixty- four. I only counted a hun- dred-and-fifty shops altogether. or shoes) ? wear, and ten are places where they can buy things to smoke ; I have charitably debited all the cigarette-shops to the men, My clothes | So I hurry through with the | ‘other with gold-tips and silver-tips, | cork-tips and velvet-tips, rose-tips and | lily- tips. There is only one book-shop, | of course, but there are about nine pic- ture-places. How they all exist ? | It is mysterious. | Especially when you consider how | much trouble they take to avoid attract- | ing attention. There are still one or 1 ao two window-dressers who lower the | whole tone of the street by adhering to the gaudy-overcrowded style; but | the majority, in a violent reaction from that, seem to have rushed to the wildest | | | extremes of the simple - unobtrusive. | They are delight ful. | think, those re- pease little windows with the chaste vurtains and floors of polished walnut, in the middle of which reposes deli- icately a single toqu { even the ones where the cigar- Father. “Look were, Bruty, Mr. Smire CALLED ettes are tipped with rose-| OFFICE THIS MORNING ABOUT YOUR FIGHT WITH HIS ‘ ' TERDAY.” leaves and yiolet-petals. But ‘ ; Son. “Dip I HOPE YOU GOT ON AS WELL AS even if I do that and give the! men the two places where you can buy guns and throw in the one garden-seat shop, we are left with the following result :— FEMININE SHops. Mascutixe Snors. | highly-decayed bank in the dimmest eee? oe - 9) cathedral town. On the dingy screen |a eweller 1 Toba 10) which entirely fills the window is written Boots and Shoes . 8 Motors . » oi. aS, : CER Gans Mikes 'S ene » | Simply in letters which time has almost Dog Bureau. . . 1 Garden Seats 7: erased, ——- —— Pictures.” No- —~ . - | thing could a less enticing. Yet in- 65 31 From these figures a firm of Man-|1 | chester actuaries has drawn the start- ling conclusion that Bond Street is more used by women than by men. It may be so. But a more interesting | question is, how do all these duplicates carry on, considering the very reasonable prices they charge? At one point there are three jewellers in a row, with another one opposite. Not far off there are three cigarette- shops together, madly defying each . } e, a single choco- ! BOY grocers and a poulterer There is even a fish-shop—you didn’t know that, did | you? I am bound to say it seemed to | have only the very largest fish, but they | were obviously fish. Anyone can go shopping in Bond Street. I knew a clergyman once who went in and asked for a back-stud. He lwas afterwards unfrocked for riotous living, but the stud was imag d. You can buy a cauliflower in Bond Street if you know the ropes. There is a shop which merely looks like a very beautiful florists. There are potatoes In the window, it is true, but they are “| inside there is no trace vegetable. But ask facetiously for a cauliflower (as ] did) the young lady will disappear bel 1d and actually return with a1 cauliflower (de lure, of course house’ ones ol a common if you erToul proul | I remember few more emb \\ | rassing episodes. %, And if you like to Int ure at DA1a@ | the magnificent provis 1-mel ehant’s he too will conjure uy from the magic cellars bo | . i: 3 } Oe cream and metal-polish ind all —\ those vulgar groceries WV hich | make life possible. That is the } | secret of Bond Street. Beneath | that glittering display of | | urious | Vast trivialities there reserves of solid prosaic necessaries, only waiting to b asked for. A man could ] | exclusively on Bond Street. | |don’t know where you | buy your butchers’ meat, but | | havea proud faney that, il you ng t | | went in and said somethi one of thosesleek and sorrowfu | je ~wellers, he too would vanish underground and blandly re- — . turn to you with a jewelled I pip. jae i steak or a plush chop. ) } i Al rH YES- Some of the pic- } late ora single pearl. There is one window which suggests nothing but the obscure branch of a | side, I daresay, fortunes are made daily. noticed no ft of this method at the Advertisers’ Exhibition; they might | give it a trial. Now no doubt you fondly think that Bond Street is wholly devoted to luxuries ; perhaps } you have abandoned | your dream of actually buying some- | thing i in Bond Street? You are wrong. |To begin with, there are about ten places where you can buy food, and, though there is no pub. now, there is a café (with a licence). There are two ture-places are among the most modest. | | Many years ago, they tell me, there was a butcher in Bond Street. Per haps you dealt there. For my part | | | |}was not eating much meat in those days. But I can imagine his window pertect little grotto of jasper and onyx, With stalactites of pure gold, and in the middle, resting on a block of Arctic ice, an exquisite beef- sausage, I wish he would come back. It is difficult to realise that there is anything but shop-windows in Bond Street, but I like to think that, up there in those upper storeys which one nevel sees, there does dwell a self-contained little community to whom Bond Street is merely the village street, down which the housewives pass gossiping each morning to the greengrocer’s or the fishmonger’s and neyer purchase anj pearls at all. When the butcher comes back I think genuine I shall ven them. A. P. H. a Ne sts ia Mt Lee a2 eS - 3 vg a i 10a ute peg

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Fa E i . ar 8 OY 9 at rae et ; December 15, 1920.] a ———————— PUNCH, THE or | } | LONDON CHARIV ARL 469 Joan (whose mother has just bou THEY MAKE MY SWEETS SO HATRY.” ) vit no Piceadillv, but that] ‘ Besides,” she « ned in a conf THE SAD CASE OF EL GRECO lots of people seem never to hav | tee aaed aE nad Madeaiaeseeaiaes | It was at the National Gallery, situ nown that he has been exhibiting him | where that there 's just tonht whether ated on the north side of Trafale self all this time in Trafalgar Square | ihe dietnebel people on purpose or be- | Square, that [ first made the acquai I’m sure Mrs. Ble ood didn’t, |cause there was something wrong with | | ance of one Domenico THEoToOcOPULL, | f 1 she tackled t the|his eyes. If It t was astigma- | &% Native of Crete, who probably pe-1C : - the other a ltism [ would ins st on taking Muriel to | — his own people wanted him to «OT vou've been to Burling-|an oculist. I wonder what you think.’ | be a stockbroker or something—set up| ton House she began, and she was| I raised my tea up sug sgestively. as @ painter in Spain, and was dubbed |in such a hurry to get first inn ngs that Mrs. Bletherwood gasped “ Ve by the Dons * El Greco,” as you n ght lshe didn’t eive me time to say that I| don't mean that he nit sa | “Scottie.” hadn’t v« ‘but that | meant to go on | “ Like a fish, L said. For years I hi te been rather tickled | my first free day that wasn t loggy. “Oh, how too disgraceful!” she ex by his manner of de ‘picting Popes i ‘Don't you ‘love those quaint ‘ El! claimed. “ Fancy their having his pic Saints as if they were reflected in elon- | Grecos'?””’ she went on. ‘He "s quite | tures there at all. Su religious sub gating mirrors labe lled, * ‘ Bef ye Di acl fe discovery, don’t vou think ? My | jects too. [ shall warn ‘Mu riel at once when at the Toreador Restaurant.” quite lately I hardly ever met anyone But unt who |) sO ad even noticed him, I felt heard that he Wis consicde rec one of the most ee Spanis shy painte rs, past and present, w! are on y Hous e, iew just now at old And what surprises me is not ti THEOTOCOPULI should attrac S | i Burlingto) | daughter Muriel, who h ype s to get Sla le ewan soon how, the into 11 ’m so thankful y« says she | Have I di OPi me a V¥ doesn’t see he w anybody can see people | Doms nico THR quite _ ed on the old chap’s account { a ‘ferently fron ithe wi Ly ' people. And vel I don’t ‘i doceing? saw Perhaps ; but [ ie that [| Miss Muriel Blet e! KnOW vreatel quite like the idea ot Mi wiel seeing me j him ag ition that, althoug sh she’s so clever. | ———=— I could not help thinking that In| «gun Sets This Mon \Irs. Bletherwood's case the El Greco’ treatment would be an admirable cor- | | I 2 no Lil“ Kl Greco 5 prevented mt from doing Just as in London last | vective to a certain lateral sive. smnartn m. yu told me Wednesda rors SS NLRB EN —

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| cannot sleep. | try the remedies suggested by your PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAI Vicar’s Wife. “THe VICAR WAS ASKING ONLY THIS MORNING WHY YOU WEREN'T IN Latest Inhabitant. “WLLL, YOU SEE, IT DOES SO CUT INTO ONE’S SuNDAYS.” ULV Al. {December 15, 1920, THE HABIT OF ATTENDING CHURCH,” CURES FOR INSOMNIA. | Moaswbile I ran through the names a , | of my friends alphabetically and emp- THE following correspondence, clearly | ¢igq the feathers from my pillow, re- intended for the Editor of The Daily | placing them with hops. Sometimes Ailmeni, has found its way into our}, hop got mixed up in a “deep long letter-box. Another example of post-|}reath,” which was rather pleasant. office inefliciency. Every few minutes I left my friends’ Sir,—As a regular reader of your |names to say to myself, ‘‘ 1 am terribly valuable journal I am always deeply | sleepy,” or “I am falling asleep;” this interested in the views of your readers| was wrong, as the boiled onions had as expressed in its columns. The recent | not had nearly five hours. letters on the cure of insomnia haye|all my muscles” interested me particularly. “« Relaxing was rather awkward, Although | as one hand was filling the pillow with I have read your paper fea many years, | hops and the other was “ holding a wet always eaten standard bread, study| sponge,” which would drip water on most diligently each morning my lesson|the sheets. Another difficulty was on Government wobble and waste, grow |‘ wafting myself in an imaginary aero- sweet peas, keep fowls, take my holi-| plane” to bring about “a state of ob- days early (in Thanet) and read the|livion and coma,” which I might per- | feuilleton, in short perform all the duties | haps have done more easily by putting | of an enthusiastic loyal Englishman, I} the hops to another use. Yesterday I decided to} I had to cut out the “recital of the Litany,” partly because my iriends’ names had only got as far as George (Lloyd), and also because, being a Non- conformist, I don’t know it. (I must learn it now the feuilleton is finishing.) But the most annoying part of the business was to find that, after all this readers. After inviting sleep with “a dish of boiled onions” | found that I must go to bed “ without having eaten anything for five hours or so.””. This meant sit- ting up very late, but I found the time our” (whatever the weather conditi Even this did not work, for by that time the milkmen and newsboys were |heralding the dawn and kept my brain too alert. As a final effort, do you think you could produce a nighteap model of the Sandringham, or is it quite impossi- ble for one who reads your pap.. to be anything but wideawake ? ns). THE PERFECT PARTNER. THERE are, my Mabel, men who vow The perfect wife is theirs Because she smoothes the ruffled brow And drives away their cares ; While there are others hold the view That she is best who ‘ll pay Some trivial attention to Her promise to obey. Well, let each babble in his turn About that spouse of his; Not knowing you, how could they learn | What true perfection is? | Of all your sex you stand most high | By far and very far Who mid your Christmas gifts can buy useful for taking “deep long breaths.’ elaborate preparation for sleep, I was A smokeable cigar. | Senge pes cy

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> ¥ IVA] > . LONDON CHAR PUNCH, OR THE I. ~—DrcemBeEr 15, 1920. } ’ Ah Vy . ' y > oe. Tuy IN| id DBM AMAVIG gia LL a ~ ECONOMISTS. 1 4 THI: ba e Coalition Golf Clu Th SCENE. HAVE CADDIES?” 1 WE « DARE Mr. Bonar Law. WITH ALIVE PLACE IS THE OBSERVED. 7 4 NO. WE ARE ‘“ NO, Mr. Lioyp Grorae. ELECTORS.” + "Poster of Anti-Waste Press.} [* Wate h your M.P.!

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eae iTex t ‘ “Mike Liens Alb rata ogds 1920.) Sir D. MACLEAN, Mr, | Monday, Decembe 6th.—* | never governed Lreland and never w }said Lord Mrpneron to- day. certainly from a good many of the speec hes made | in Committes on the Government | Ireland Bill. c onspic uous by its Ho PUNCH, Logic JO 1C It abse nce Re ‘presentatives of South em Ireland have been clamouring | §reater financial control, but they quite | changed their tone when Clause 24, abling the Irish Parliaments to needed 4 asurtax upon residents in Ireland, came | essayed to root it up in order t While professing ered greatest confidence in the desire of the fellow-countrymen to treat them fai rly ‘| Lords Drogue DA, SuIGo and WICKLOW in thinking agreed j up for discussion. logic still makes deletion of the whole clause. Trish Peers again obje cted ; desired to preserve for the [rish P arlis i- be d joke of Lord SPENCER 8, ments power to remit Imperial taxes, on the off-chance that some day might be exercised. their point. nee. that this was too dangerous &® power to entrust to them; it would breed absenteeism and drive capital out of the country. Lord Fixnay, to whom as a Scotsman appeal, was for the But for And they carried the >V of OR THE LONDON CHARIVART ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. MAT } é j 4 - y y \ ie = VV 4 “ >") q ce i ei aad \ . pd. Ve r Se After the Paint by W. Denpy SapLerR Mr. G. Lampert, Me. G. R. Toorne, Mr. Asquira, Mr, AcLAND, GENERAL St A According to Lieut.-4 the pe the has ‘olonel Crort however how to call a i neils British tee something more picturesque, at ror | tion, On the strength of a rumour that the} Hinpiir ann yuunced his intention | its progress towart ds fruition. The Prime In the Commons Vise | Minister, however, gave no encourage + +} ment; but Sir JoHN | Nor did he sé kK F | | ather O' FLANAGAN was * over a question put by Di regarding the “daily mail se between one of his be! the Scottish mainland. The the joke and small blame to quite fi failed to ap preciate had been until his ne th e| L rd | ,INCOLNSHIRE moved the rejection ot HO Bill. Adapt ing an made in another place” a generation ago, he it |observed that this was no more an agricultural Bil ll than he himself was lan agricultural labourer. He knows the subhnor him hours mut spade a spade, id was | Ofhice are proc ired from the United | h » treated the measure and its authors | States. As one who has suffered I can | i all the resources of a varied vocabu only hope that Anglo-American friend- | lary. Possibly his brother peers, while of | ship, alre: ady somewhat stra ned by the | enjoyi ng his invective, thought that bacon episode will survive this revela-|it had been a little bit overdone, for |of the subsequent speakers only Lord of tunt CURZON pressed upon the Government the desir- one ment to his well-intentioned onhe ability of licensing side-car combin itisfv Lieut.-Commander | tions as tax1 cabs. The idea might, sn teesaboncs ‘s curiosity as to whe -| feels, appeal to a Coalition Govern Barro for the Home lon the bridge,”” beyond saying “that is | Off tice hinted at the existence ol “serious what we want to find out.” objec tions. Tuesday, December 7th.—After a Collective ly the House has an infan- | week's interval for reflection and study tile mind. It went into kinks of laughter MuRRAY vice oved islands and of how funny he tered | | -|seed of Irish peace had been planted in | voting against the Bill, the others being | ' i 7 Downing Street, Mr. Hoacr promptly | of opinion that parts of it were, not ex- | » observe cellent perhaps, but ul le ist t lerable. pneecnariar~storeurisssass-wemswasetrasa—. tard

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i i ; PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. in stage-whispers, “ Daily Mail!” “Daily Mail!” Then a wan smile broke over his own features. It has been stated in certain news- papers that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN has re- fused the Viceroyalty of India in conse- quence of the weak state of his health, and that for the same cause he is likely | to vacate shortly the Chancellorship of | the Exchequer. All I can say is that on the Treasury Bench he betrays no outward sign of this regrettable debility when dealing with critics of the Treas- ury. It is not easy to puncture the @s tripler of Mr. Borromuey, but two words from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN did it this afternoon. Sir Ropert Horne got a second read- [DecemBer 15, 1920. have up a certain newspaper for breach of privilege in endeavouring to dictate to Members how they should vote. He obtained leave to move the adjournment and would doubtless have provided the peccant journal with a valuable free advertisement had not Mr. LowTHer, reckless of his reputation for infalli- bility, suddenly remembered that mo- tions for the adjournment were intended for criticising the Government and not for rebuking irresponsible outsiders. At his request the gallant Major withdrew his motion, and The Daily — lost its advertisement. Invigorated by this episode the House —or what was left of it—resumed the ing for the Dyes Bill,a NEARS measure which he com- { act mended as being neces- | |} ly eport stage of the Ministry of Health ial os little Bills.’ Mr. Pemberton Briuinc had another solution for the difficult, and asked, “ Why not pass them all ad hoc?” meaning, it is supposed, “ bloe.” Well might the Pamre Minister re- mark at Question-time that he welcomed the attacks of a certain section of the Press on the “ Wastrels” because then he knew the Government was all right Mr. GrorGeE LAMBERT made a liv: speech in support of his proposal ‘“ration’’ the Government to a sum of £808,000,000—the amount Mr. Cuam BERLAIN had said would suffice for a normal year. But his criticisms were too discursive to be really dangerous, and his condemnation of “sloppy Social! arp, | sm” put up the backs AG {4 Va Vas en ly t t | of the Labour Party y; | The CHANceLLor 01 oO} . he sary to protect what is | | PRowtc® 4 Va |THE EXCHEQUER re- a key-industry both in Fim BY V7 minded the House that | peace and war. Dye- + si a iy |when he talked of a | stuffs and poison - gas > — ei) ) |*normal Budget" he are, it seems, inextric- M9 | | had been careful to add, | | ably intermingled, and ( p j ‘but not this year, next | | unless the Bill is passed ip YY, |vVear or the yea we shall be able neither i ip y which sounds sus] to dye ourselves nor to 2 _ fously like the nursery poison our enemies. SF //j, \formula, “This year, Wednesday, December ipo” / {next year, sometime 8th. — The Agriculture Hi / | NEVER. Billfound one thorough- " Uy, Still the great majo going supporter in the i, f Yih SOY, ity of the Members we Duke of MARLBOROUGH, a Lf yl only too anxious to b an ‘ owner- occupier ”’ \ KN 4 convinced, and passed so enamoured of Goy VY ANA by a huge majority the ernment control that 5 ee _— — ~ |“ blanketing” amend he desires to see the 2 ee ment of Sir GopFREY whole of the ditches 2 == Couuiss in favour of | and hedges of England | nee cS er: S= economvintheabsti | administered out of | - SSS | I don't know how thisis public funds; and a host | Actor-Manager of Touring Company. “Coxrounp our tuck! Tur Leapixc | to be squared with the | of critics, friendly and} Lapy Has DESERTED US IN OUR HOUR OF NEED—ELOPED WITH THE OSTLER | PRIME MINISTER'S ttherwise. Lord Cuap- FROM YONDER PUBLIC-HOUSE—ON THIS OF ALL EVENINGS, WHEN THE AUDIENCE | theory that it isthe busi LIN, though he thought Pie ces nneres aeltic nstucatar name aime a oa ness of the Government the Bill one of the duced, declined to Second Reading; that it would make very little difference one way or the other; Lord Rissves- DALE, as an old-fashioned Free Trader, would have nothing to do with it; Lord Lovat was of opinion that as an insur- ance for our food supply it would not compare with a Channel Tunnel; and Lord BucKMASTER feared that it would rather strengthen than allay thedemand for land nationalisation. The Govern- ment approached the division in some trepidation and were the more rejoiced when, in an unusually big House, the Second Reading was carried by 123 votes to 8&5. But SPEAKER vote against for the the self-sacrifice Commons of Mr. would have | made themselves ridiculous this even- ; ing. Major ArcHer-SHEe wanted to > worst ever intro- | Bill. the | the brevity of some of the Lord Harris believed | Sir RowLanp i | j ' | | | speeches BLADES set a good ex- ample to new Members by making a “maiden” effort in a minute and a} half. But his record was easily beaten by Mr. Sexton, who found ten seconds sufficier the fact that the House was trying to legislate in the small hours was suffi- cient proof of the necessity of extending the laws of lunacy. it for expressing his opinion that “Se arqumentum circumspice,” he might have said as he gazed upon the recumbent and yawning figures around him. Thursday, December 9th.—Mr. Bonar Law enumerated a portentous list of measures which the House of Commons must pass if it wants to enjoy its Christmas holidays in peace. Lord Hvuau Cecit wanted to know what was the use of reguiris The debate was remarkable foi ‘to see that the population is co: tented.”” That sounds a little lke | a policy which did not | work out cheaply Friday, Decembei €l ClUrcenses — 10th With the hai ol | strange to impart the Prime Mivistri informed the House of Commons to-day | that in regard to Ireland “the Gover ment are determined on adouble policy. The novelty presumably consists in putting those old stagers, conciliation |fashion, into double harness. Martial! jlaw is to be introduced in cert ithe most disturbed districts, and at the | same time such Sinn Fein M.P.’s as are | not - ain ol on the run” are to be called into | conference. On the face of it the pros |pect looks unpromising, but happily | Ireland is essentially the place where | passing “all these foolish | nothing happens save the unexpected. | one who has something fresh and | and coercion, hithertoonly tried tandem- | pS Yume or Di \\ ~ se sp eed i: i i ihe

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| Macdonald. “Man Sanpy, ARE YE BOGGIT?” Sandy. “Ay, Macponaup, I’m Boarr,” Macdonald, “Yr CANNA GET OoT?” Sandy. “I’M NO BIDING HERE FOR THE PLEESURE 0O’r!” Macdonald, “1 poor yE’D LIKE FINE TO ComE oor?” Sar “Ay. T WOULD THAT | Macdonald. _“WEEL, ’TWAD BI A CHRISTIAN ACT TO PI ¥ oo BUT ERRA DEEFFICUL' UNLESS Yt i sc FOR YOUR RED COO | MAKING THE LAW PopuLan, — |! Murnborough Cathedral. | While it is) WEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. | t expected that his Majesty Ss engage a A WRITER in an evening: ) temporary | ments. will permit him to be present Tue LossTer | complains that one has some ditticulty ction of this character is’ fraught Tue lobster is an oblong crab | in finding the notices to jurors in the] with more than common interest, since With one or two antenna | ReWSpapers. lit must be seldom that the Royal House I faney life would be less drab We have often thought that mor finds itself in such conflict with the} if people had as many prominence might be given to the/ Church as to resort to the arbitrament | [I think he se Ae ae | Law Notices generally. Printed in the! of the law. sick ah g) vs " ae il, wmallcst type and ab »breviated wmost} We see no reason why some legal | ls a hee ‘ ete s | beyond und prancing, they are by NO | eng igements should not be boldly dis- | It m + : aoe “cage a ol eer ‘ , | Played, the more read 'Y to catch the | = a am an advantage to hand |). 4er’s eve. Why not the following:—| He rubs away like anything, the department over to a smart para- | LA A <A E , And you should see his face ! d } graphist ? Re aders mig! ht then be | Roya, Courts or Jusrics | Alas, he thinks that | can sing; entertained by some thing like the | R ) following : AL Courts oF JusTict But that is1 the case Vi . YOU MUST NOT MISS THIS! He’s verv sens ea ands isitors to the Law Courts to-d: vy Chancerv Court No. 29. \ last pa i ig He should on no account fail to look in at “Raf ] ‘ie nd that is wl Ki . LOT! Hy ANROWS lit j } Lna it ls W 1V Ing’s Bench XII1., which is one of| ae | ; \ PH th 7 . | Mr. Justick How ina } He goes so very red a € cosiest of our beautiful Courts of ; sti : : ink trea? ma Company, Ltd. } Justice. Here will be continued the| Binks v. Arcana Cinema Com]

: | } lan i “Your System appealed to me as a rationa scintillating contest between Sir An: As one of the leading comedians of | r5 - + in 0 008 . mm ) ee 4 fmmenutis Of exercise ib undue ru rhe fipony Prius, K.C., and that rising young | the day Mr. Tw Binks never fails tO} T started on the 1 Warch. 1930. 1 wa | barrister, Terry Blee-Smart, K C. | create roars of laughter, and with Mr.}ihen in my 75th year, and now within onl } "63 r “allied On itwo. ths o om } e BS e —reetlleal probable that the cross- | JUSTICE HowlLinG nb ay be relied upon | two months of « mpl ng th oth ‘ aut nm Sunday ape. 1 examination of the humorous butcher} to put u 1p a show provoci ative of never- will continue through most of the day. | failing mirth. he first case on the list in the | CHEER YourRsELF Ur! ADMISSION FREE! Lord Chief’s Court to-d: Ly is no other Whether it’s wet or whether it 's fine, than The King v. Lhe Dean and Chapte | Visit Chancery Twenty-nine. etter i ee [f he keeps it up he shoul d be a centen- r

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476 PUN (CH, OR THE LON ‘DON CHAR IVAR 1. (Dace EMBER 15, 19% 20. THE OTHER HALF. I was sitting by Anderson’s fire the other day when his telephone bell rang. He made the usual insincere exclama- tion of disgust—as insincere as the horror we simulate when a bundle of letters is brought into the room, to have letters and to be called up on the telephone being really adventures and therefore welcome; and he then crossed the room to answer the call. «Shall I go?” I asked, thinking that he might prefer to be alone. “Oh, no,” he said, and | I was not trying to overhear, couldn’t be helped. This is the conversation (his half) that I heard :— ‘ Yes.” “ Speaking. remained, but it Who is it?” “QOh, I’m so glad! I was getting horribly nervous. How is he?” “Good Heavens! I was afraid he might be. What do you think?” “Of course I must trust you. But we must never let my wife know.” “T’'ll think about it and let you know.” “ Quite likely. let you know. She can't be absolutely alone anyway. There must be another some time.” | I'll go into that and | ‘**Good Heavens! I was siceia he might be. What do you think?” “IT think we had better put an end to him.” “Of course I must trust you. But we must never let my wife know.” ‘Shall I be looking about for an- other?” “T’ll think about it and let you know.” “Perhaps a totally different breed would be better; not another Peke. There 'd be fewer unhappy associations then, don’t you see ?”’ “ Quite likely. let you know. alone, anyway. some time.” ['ll go into that and There must be another “ Yes.” “And what do you propose to do now ?” ‘Oh, I'll give him poison.” ‘You're sure it will be painless?” “ Quite.” ‘I wouldn't have him suffer for any- thing.” “That will be all right.” “Thank you very much. I shall tell my wife he died in his sleep. Good- bye.”’ E. V. L. THE MOUNTAIN AND THE PROPHETS. My pear CHaAruEs, — At there is, and was long before Geneva the ar- “And what do you propose to do| rival of the League of Nations, a moun- now ? “ You're sure it will be painless?” | tain. There are many mountains in | Switze rland, but Geneva’s private “T wouldn’t have him suffer for any- | mount: ain happens to be in France. It thing.’ “Thank you very much. [ shall tell my wife he died in his sleep. Good- bye.” What, I wonder, would you have made of that? Some telephone con- versations are easy to construct, but this to me was a puzzle. What had Anderson been up to? It must be an awful moment, I hive often thought as I read divorce and other cases, when a friend is suddenly turned into a wit- ness; and I had the feeling that that might be my lot now. Those clever cross-examining devils, they can get | anything out of you. If Anderson had | known who was ringing him up he would probably (so I reasoned) have | got me out of the room; but, having once started, he decided to brazen it out | as the less suspicious way. As so often hs appens, however, wrong. This is the whole conversation : | Ts that 1260?” | “ Yes.” | «Is Mr. Anderson there ? “Speaking. Who is it?” “ Harding, the veterinary surgeon.” “Oh, horribly nervous. = He ’s worse.” I was innocent How is he?’ } | tier controls ; } | is called ‘The Saléve,” a nasty name, but not of my choosing. If, being in Geneva, you want to go up The Saléve (as I personally do not) you have first to get your passport off the police. The police are always a little difficult about passports, but, if you mention the name of The Saléve, you will find them easier. You have next to obtain the French visa in order to get out of Geneva: then the Swiss visa in order to get back again. Thus provided you have to compete with a complicated and long-drawn process of trams and fron- even so you find yourself at the bottom and not at the top of The Saléve. Being a busy (or shall we say idle ?) man yourself, you will thus understand the reasons of my policy; if the moun- tain will not come to MAHomep then ManoMED and the mountain are best kept apart. The inhabitants of Geneva have long been contriving, intriguing, I will even say complotting, to get meup The Saléve. My doctor, having made me thoroughly interested in myself, got on to the sub- | ject of exercise; when my banker passed I’m so glad! I was getting from the subject of interest on over: | drafts to the advisability of my seeing the great Geneva view, it was un- She can’t be absolutely | doubtedly blackmail; and as for my dentist—well, you know what dentists are and what mean advantages they take. But this one, I think, over- stepped the limit when he allowed the crown of my tooth to remind him of the crown of Mont Blanc; paused in fixing the former to descant on the beauties of the latter; told me that from The Saléve I should get a better view of the latter than he, where he was, was getting of the former; asked me almost simultaneously if he was | hurting me and if I had been up The | Saléve, and told me that I must go up |it and (which I took to mean “ or )| that he might have to hurt me. That was the most critical moment in the whole Battle of The Saléve: the military critics are unanimous that I should have then said, “I will go up,’ had I been in a position to say any- thing at all. Saved by the gag, I have | won the war against the Genevois | I have taken the standpoint of the | prophet, who, as you know, is not with- out honour abroad—a prophet with the policy outlined above. When a p op! iet of my sort decides on a policy, and that | policy consists of doing nothin takes a lot of shifting, even on the flat. And there the matter and I remained, when there arrived from England, or about November 15th, a positive cloud of prophets, intent on the League of Nations. The busiest figure among , , fy he on them is the secretary of one of the | delegates. Pretending to be my best friend he sought the occasion of a | heart-to-heart with me. I took it he wanted to discuss Nations ; it appeared he wanted to discuss mountains. Lhoped he was considering them generally in mass, possibly with the view of making a League of them. He was thinking | in the particular, and you can guess what particular. He was beginning to think of wanting to go up It. In an effective speech, which brought tears to my eyes but merely gave him an opportunity to fill and light his pipe, I put all the “cons” before him, par- ticularly the passport part. As a man speaking with the authority behind him of a world leagued together, he detailed all the “ pros.”” We must act together, he and I; he would assemble the pro- phets, I the passports. I refused to be bullied by him. He named some major prophets, whom I should find it more difficult to with- stand. His propaganda amongst them | apparently began at once. Mark the | | | sequence of events :— On Tuesd: ay, November 16th, His Majesty's Minister-Ple nipote ntiary and Envoy - Extraordinary in Switze rland assembled the British element to dinner. | I have reason to know that he had al- EEO | wi de to de th th

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PUNCH, a DECEMBER 15, 1920, oo _ | ready been approached by the secretary. | The Crown of Mont Blane was freely | | discussed and curiosity was aroused as | | to the identity, the desirability, even | | theapproachabilit ty of the nearer moun- | tain. On Wednesday, November 17th, Ir: an | into Lieut.-Col. Sis Highness the JAM | Santpof NAwANAGAR—“ Ranaut,” in brief | He was standing at the entrance of his | hotel in significant meditation. The} entrance of his hotel looks upon The | Saléve and past it to the Crown of | Mont Blanc. And that was where he| looked. | On Friday, November 19th, I found the Right Hon. G. N. Barnes walking along the Quai de Mont Blane in th 1 | fatal direction. His eyebrows pointe a | \relentlessly upward. On Saturday, November 20th, “" |Banrour arrived. The secretary began | to talk about a date for our excursion. | | OnSunday, November 21st, I became | involved in conversation with Lord} Ropert Crcit in his room in his hotel. | He moved towards the window, and as | he did so Armenia, Vilna and all the} | Powers that want to come into the | League and all the Powers that want to stay out of the League faded leona | | his mind, and he ealled attention to} ithe Crown of Mont Blane and fixed | his eagle eye upon the mole-hill in between. On Monday, November 22nd, the | | Secretary came to me and ordered me} | to provide passports, duly visaed, for | The Saléve party—seven in all, myself ‘ineluded. 1 told him that I would ap- peal direct to the delegates themselves, with whom I had already done some defensive propaganda on my own. He} told me it was nothing to do with the delegates; it was the delegates’ ladies Fool that I was, I had never thought of them ! That night I wrote in my diary: “ At | | | | oR” THE LONDON CHAR IV. ARI

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Geneva the reisa mountain. It is ealled The Saléve—a nas sty name for a nasty ‘Hurzto. Brown! | Y RUNNING UP acatns? you. H MA HE WORLD IS i}mountain. On Saturday I shall be on} ) BE soRE! the top of it. I always knew that} “VY-y TERRIBLY SMALL, ISN'T 1 the League ol Nations would make | = =o — —— trouble.” } Blane W ill witness my defeat, and the | Enough Said. On Tuesday, November 23rd, I sent | whole range of the Alps will look on in | “Sir Henry P eee the close forhavius an emissary among the ladies to per- silent contem pt. ; | made the les ture some what st shorter than usual suade them that the summit of The| On Wednesday morning, November | Sir Donald ——~ said x orth cheeaaie Saléve was loathsome. The emissary 24th, I met Mr. Batrour crossing the ret be hed been abl s to do,”— a Yaa succeeded in establishing this point by Pont du Mont Blane. He was looking | contrasting it unfavourably with the | at It with that dreamy smile of his, | | p. Dec, 8 }Crown of Mont Blane. “The ae which seems to laugh at the littleness| The Ministry « — — ew — i thanked the emissary cordially for her|of man and the futility of his policies. sage oe yg a aah weg ee aie ail } Most interes ting information and said | That finished me. Mont Blane I have left The Saléve wh 4th- to witness if I Henry. | they woul Ts steps to see the C rown! On Wednesdaynight, November 2 | of Mont Blane more ne arly, even if thos 25th (read your paper | Steps had to be up The Saléve. {i e); the aa | Phat night I wrote in my diary: joff . 9 “For a year I have fought and won, | it is. What does it matter now: | but on Saturday the Crown of Mont y oc gna

119 railway eng | Spanish railwa i} : handed personally by a duly F | fel] | sentativeof thefirm making 1ere | The engine s may, however the offer.” lers needed by the Tenders must be woredited repre Times. ye done up in a parcel and sent by post in the usual manner.

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-_ SS Ls Indian Servant (as telephone continues ringing). “Ou, SAR, DO NOT BE 80 ANGRY, PUNCH, OR - . tt ——— tao ee THE ARRIVAL OF THE MANX BALLET. Tue first visit of the Manx Ballet to London is undoubtedly the most out- standing feature in the annals of chore- graphie and corybantic realism since the historic premiére of the Botocudo Troupe on September 31st, 1919. And it is all the more welcome as an indica- tion of the emergence of a native school, fully equipped in technique and scenic resource and, above all, imbued from start to finish with a high sense of the paramount importance of psycho- analysis in eliminating all supra-lim- inal elements from the mimetic drama. The most orchestro- ambitious as well as the | most suecessful item in the programme | presented on Saturday night at the Colossodrome was The Cat of Balla- salla, that wonderful old Manx legend of the Princess who was turned into a cat by the enchantments of the Wizard of Dhoon and subsequently sentenced to decaudation by the cruel Seandinavian invader, Macnus Bar- Fop. The scene of the trial in the great synclinorium of Greeba Castle exhibiting contemporaneous carboni- ferous tuffs, argillaceous rocks with choriambie fossils as well as later dolerite dykes, amid which the feline soft N\ trated with miraculous agility by Miss Agneesh Crannoge—compares favour ably with the most ambitious enormi ties ever perpetrated by the genius of Baxst, DIAGHILEy, or even CocopriL.o, the Sardinian neo-Gongorist The music, which is chiefly founded on Manx folk-songs, developed and adapted by Mr. Orry Poolvash, is richly sug- gestive of the psycho-analytice basic aroma Which pervades the entire scen- ario. The absence of a Coda in the funeral March which concludes the ballet is an exquisitely pathetic touch which could only have occurred. to a composer of genius. The orchestration is sumptuous and sonorous, the usual instruments being supplemented by two Glory Quayle-horns, a quartet of Laxey- phones with rotating C and © sharp crooks, a Manx harp with three strings, and a Miaowola, which gives out the Death Motive of the Princess at the various crises of the drama in tones of sublimated anguish and intensity. We have only space in this brief pre- liminary notice to remark that the pro- gramme includes a humorous extrava- ganza entitled The Quirks of Quilliam, in which a grotesque pas de quatre for the Deemster, the Doomster, the Boom- ster and the Scrabster, forms the central THE LONDON CHARIVARL. Tae SAWIB Is ¢ [Decemner 1, MING VERY QUICKLY, I TRLL You,’ episode; and ends with a satiric sketch, The Golden Calf of Man, apparently aimed at the extravagance of Lancashire trippers, who are pursued by demons into Sulby Glen, and released, to the | sound of sea-trumpets, by the beneficent intervention of Lord Greeba on their | promising to evacuate the island. COLFING “‘IFS.” Ir you bring your own lunch And frugally munch Your sandwich and cake For economy "s sake; If you strictly abstain Krom sloe-gin and champagne, Never touching a drop Save perhaps ginger-pop ; If you 're clever enough To keep out of the rough, If you don’t slice or hook Into pond, dyke or brook Your new three-shilling ball, And, best saving of all, If you carry your clubs, You can pay heavy “ subs.,” Fees for entrance and greens, Without straining your means, And, though you're a middle- Class man, not a peer, Agree with Lord Rroprnn That golf isn’t dear. Bet ACR SE RRR ogee 4 CREE Aap LI

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0, “DORR CRs co”, SATE ARON TAINS IIE oe | | } | | humour would be a dark and dreadful task ; | upon the sudden tripping-up of the reader in his moment | Novels (LANE), and I can only deseribe it in that pet DecemBper 15, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE Le a N diy aes _ Cheery Sports “HAD SIX FALLS IN TWO DAYS, HAVE YOU Pues THINGS ALWAYS COME IN CYCLES.” Rough Rider. “MIxk skeM TO COME IN MOTOR LORRIES OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Puneh’s Sta of Learned Clerks.) Tue news that Mr. Sterugn Leacock has published a lresh series of burlesques will, | do not doubt, add to 1 Christmas jollity of a vast crowd of laughter-lover name of it is Winsome Win and other Ne Vi phrase | of the house-agents as “examined and strongly recom mended” for the merriest five-shillings’ worth that I have enjoyed this long time. If ever a volume demanded to be N nits, i j AG iy} LH bale, 0. PHM RMT MT | Aiallt, 7 PWN | HH INDON CHARIVARL a 7 gh" NRT i ' &, ee 7 } I _ ry } vr ips par inl LUCK 'S BOUND TO CHANGE BOON, Your > Wen CHEER UP, tréillery War Commemoration Book Messrs In The Royal 1G. Benn ANp Sons have produced a noble volume worthy of the great record of the Royal Regiment. To the energy and enthusiasm of Mrs. Amprosk Dupiey is largely due he collection of the fine material which Major General and Sir Herperr Untacke has here set out in fair order proportion. Personal diaries dealing with various phases of the War on all fronts or with the daily routine of batteries | are here interspersed with articles and poems of a more | purely literary quality and with original illustrations, largely the work of Gunner-officers and extremely well reproduced, read aloud over the Yule log here itis. Which of the eight (mong the most notable contributors are Brigadier General novels is the most irresistible must remain, | suppose, a} J H. Moraan, Major V. R. Burknarpt, D.5.0., Major The | matter of individual taste; for myself I found the opening| Master of Brtuaven, Captain Victor Wavronp (the last chapter in the title-tale the funniest thing in the collection, i two killed in action), Captain GILBERT Hourpay, Captain H, and that not forgetting the billiard match in the detective | Asqurrn, Lieut. Ropert Nicnons, Lieut. Gu.pert FRANKAU, Story, a contest that I defy anyone to follow without | Gunner Mears, the Hon. Nevinue Lyrron, M1 To attempt analysis of such happily unforced} Power, Mr. W. Rornenstrety, Miss Lucy Kemp-Weicn but [incline to}and Mr. C. Crark. Punch is represented by several think that, more than most, the fun of Mr. Leacock (to be | artists, including Captain E. H. Samranp, M.C., and Lieut. Watts Minus (both of the Regiment), who have . ng xecurate one should, I suppose, say Dr. Leacock) depends | contributed some delightful colour-sketches, very faithfully tears. of fancied security. The cliché, with its deceptive appear | observed. . ance of solid and familiar ground, conceals an unexpected | volume have been reprinted from the pages of trap. Thus Winnie, the thrown-upon-the-world heroine, | There are brief records of those members of the Regiment asked by the family lawyer how she proposes to gain a who won the V.C., many portraits ol! livelihood, replies in consecrated phrase, “ I have my needle.” | Artillerymen,” and a Roll of Honour of fallen officers, But I grow pedantic ; | numbering 3,507. Lack of space alone prevented the in- clusion of the names of the 45,442 Other Ranks who gave Every Gunner who does not Representative * Let me see °Y Ftd Says the lawyer. far more important than the method of this little book is its gift of seasonable entertainment, for which we need only wipe our eyes and be grateful. their lives for their country. possess this splendid memorial work should have it given SEPTIMUS | Many of the poems, too, that appear in the | Punch. | | | GCSES Se ee ee tee ne cere ans

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180 PUNCH, OR THE _ LONDON CHAR IV ARI —__(Decewmen 15, 1920, » him this CRusletenes by some proud eialion oO ‘flail | Pierce’ s leone yisa pe cate hella most ple seantly told. and Like the Regiment, it should go Ubique. |it is not Mrs. Conyers’ fault, but her misfortune (and ours | that novels which describe the lighter side of Irish life When Mr. Ropert Cuampers decides to give his neurotic | even with the tenderest humour, are more likely just now New York society women a miss, and exploit his more | to make one sigh than smile. imaginative and adventurous vein, I always know that I) —-- am in for a late night and an extra large gas bill. Like! I do not know whether The Scar (Hopprer axp “cogan the British soldier Mr. Cuampers does not carry the word | TON) first saw publication in any of our popular dailies impossible” in his vocabulary. Why should he, since he | from internal evidence I should be yee inclined to su can give the semblance of reality to the utterly unbelievable? | | pect it. At least Miss Rusy M. Ayres has written Then one mutters, ‘‘ What utter rubbish!’’ and sends round | admir: able example of the class of tale, beloved of our seria to the bookseller to enquire if by any chance there is a ‘public, in which new every morn ing are the tribulations « sequel coming out. In The Slayer of Souls (Hopper anv | the elect, only to vanish with startling suddenness in th: SrovcutTon) Mr. Campers is at his best and most im-|last days of June or December. For example, Mark, tli possible. A race of dreadful magicians, the descendants of; hero, begins as the misunderstood son of one of thos: the Old Man of the Mountain, who have been multiplying | widower-fathers who in such stories dwell for ever behi and acquiring extraordinary psychic powers in the interior | the locked doors of studies, leaving in this instance Mar) of China for centuries, come forth to do battle with the} be the victim of an aunt whose lack of sympathy approach: United Secret Service for the souls of men. They have! the pantomimic. All the —* results follow, even tot inspired the Hun, and the [— ee 2 = lisition by Mark of Bolshevik has been their faithful hound, which t tool. Fortunately a beat- least experience of sen tiful young American girl, mental fiction would hay who was brought up in caused any insurance co theirmidstand has learned |pany to refuse on sight all their grizzly powers and |\When therefore A (as it seems) a bit more, is | Midian, following her ap on theside of the “ forces of {pointed course, effac: law and order.” The strug this friend-of-man, I c¢ gle is titanic, for these fess that my grief was magicians can slay and be 'some extent tempered by slain corporeally and incor- poreally with equal ease. I do not need to tell you W ho wins out, but neither will [ intimate how it is done. [ can only say that I envy anybody who is for- tunate enough to have a long evening before him and The Slayer of Soul at his elbow, still unread / recognition of the in evit able. Of course, ! l eve er, Mark does not x ;main for long in what | | might call these dog-day lof his young affection love, strong, passionat: and not too slavishly r } A stricted to a single object ' oon has his world going he. os, Pe 4 : ‘ ; 'round as fast as the mo a ce 'exacting reader could de | Christmas Card Artist {of the Old S . *“GoopD HEAVENS! ( I i k BI >” In Uncle Pierce's Leqacy 3 4 A sire. For the decor een Sage o details of this delirium | THEA CONYERS gives us once more all that we have learned | need only add that, if you want them, you know w! to expect of her novels: the friendly, witty, blundering ser- | to go to find then vants; the hunting society in which wealth and poverty, | breeding and vulgarity, cheerfully rub shoulders; the de- Had I been asked to godfather Smith and the Phava scriptions of the wistful beautiful West of Ireland in autumn | (ArrowsmirH) I should have refused to stand, unless it and winter; and above all the horses. Added to all this|name was changed to “ Barbara who Came Back,” for + there are Sinn Fein raids, real and imaginary, to bring|tale of Barbara is by far the best in this book of s things up to date. A rather unconvincing plot, with a| stories. It would be boastful—as well as untrue—to say dash of Great Kaxpectations in it, yet offers a situation|that I have read all of Sir H. Riper HaGcarp’s many which has plenty of amusing possibilities. Honor and Evie | books, but as far as my experience of them goes I find Nutting, two middle-aged spinsters, find themselves the] delightfully fresh quality in this tale. It may be old- | possessors of eight thousand a year, on condition that they | fashioned and over-sentimental, but in spite of these defects spend it all. That sounds, of course, a very pleasant|it has a very definite charm, and its conclusion makes arrangement; but they have been struggling for years to|curious and legitimate appeal to the emotions. All the make ends meet and economy has become a habit. The} other stories are well up to standard, and it is an ) end of the first quarter finds them sending Harris, the|that an author who has written so much still shows n English manservant, in haste to buy a frying-pan with the | symptoms either of weariness or vain repetition. last unspent three shillings and sixpence. That the Uncle| Pierce of the title should be really a brother, that characters Those who appreciate Miss C. Fox Sarrna’s familiarity should change their names without rhyme or reason from | with the ways and moods of sailormen and her flair for the paragraph to paragraph, and that inverted commas should | true sea- tang will welcome the new collection of ae make their appearance just anywhere—all this, I think,} which she has brought out under the title, Ships and Fi is the author's clever way of suggesting an atmosphere | (ELKm Matuews). Most of these verses have appeared in of Irish irresponsibility, and it is quite successful. Uncle} Punch, and no further commendation is here needed es p Be E He 6 REPERRRM UTES = yt ers og ERRNER PRS cmt gasoter 9%

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REC RE eNTR Re ees AEE hg Sein ppt PRP senate ee December 22, 1920.] CHARIVARIA. Ir is pointed out that the display of December meteors is more than usually lavish. Send a postcard to your M.P. about it. Mr. Lioyp GrorGeE recently stated that the first prize he ever won was for singing. It is only fair to say that this happened in the pre-NoRTHCLIFFE era. An elderly Londoner recalls a Christ- mas when the cold was so intense that in a Soho restaurant the ices froze. There has arrived at the Zoo a bird the table, but unable to fly. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 481 chester Guardian, expect to be paid fifty pounds for a motor smash. It seems an injustice that ordinary pedestrians should have to take part in this sort of thing for nothing. * The continued disappearance af note- paper from a well-known club has now been traced to a large female cat, and most of the paper has been recovered from her sleeping-basket. It is thought that she was probably preparing to write her memoirs. * + * . . A burglar who broke into a private house near Hitchin helped himself to akin to the partridge and excellent for ! a good supper before leaving. It is pleasing to learn, however, that, judging little to set the ball of discontent into motion once again,” states a writer in the Sunday Press. This being so, is it not rather unwise to let Christmas Day fall this year on the workmen's half holiday? . , We question the wisdom of drawing | the attention of Parliament to the | silence of the Porr Lavrgeatr. If he | is goaded into breaking it we shall know whom to blame. “Tf people at home only knew how grateful we are for anything that is sent us,” writes a lady from the island of Tristan d’Acunha. If they are as easily pleased as that, the idea of send- ing them Lieut. -Commander The very thing for the estate of a sporting profiteer. * * , . * . “What is the best fire pre- ventative?’’ asks a weekly journal. The answer is, the present price of coal. * %& The National Rat Campaign this year, we are told, was a great success. On the other hand we gather that several rats have threatened to issue a minority report. “There is nothing so enjoy- able,” says a newspaper cor- respondent, “as a trip across the water to Ireland.” Except, of course, a trip back again. _ Anumber of Huns are receiv- ing Iron Crosses through the post inscribed “Your Father- land does not forget you.”” How likeGermany! She won't even encouragement. It is with the deepest sorrow that we record the death of F. H. Townsend, which occurred, without any warning, on December 11th. Their personal loss is keenly felt by his colleagues of the Punch Table, to whom the fresh candour of his nature and his brave gaiety of spirit, not less than his technical skill and resourcefulness, were a constant delight and will remain an inspiration. As Art Editor he will be greatly missed by the many contributors who have been helped by his kindly counsel and Of the gap that he leaves in the world of Art they are sadly conscious who followed and appreciated his fine work not only in the pages of Punch but in his book-illustrations and in those appeals for charity to which he always gave freely of his best. To his nearest and dearest among the wide circle that loved him we ask leave to offer the sympathy of friends who truly share their grief. we mourn a life untimely closed, and great gifts lost to us while still in their fulness ; but we take comfort in the thought that death touched him with swift and gentle hand, and that he died with har- ness on, as a man would choose to die. With KEeNwortuy should not be lost sight of. “The Hexathlon,” we read, “is a form of contest new to this country.” Mind you get one for the children at Christ- mas. A new type of American war- ship is expected to be able to cross the Atlantic in a little over three days. It will be remembered that the fastest of the 1914 lot took nearly three years. them to wear trousers. fortunately it is impossible to offer to accommodate them all them Scottish. allow bygones to be bygones. “ Let Christmas come,” says a con- temporary headline. We have arranged to do so. * x k A Minneapolis judge rules that a man has the right to declare himself head of the household. Opinion in this country agrees that he has the right but rarely the pluck. _ “My faith in the League of Nations isnotshaken,” says Lord Ropert Ceci. This is the dogged spirit which is going to make this country what it used to be. “Tt may yet be possible,” according to the Water Power Resources Committee, “to harness the moon.” This of course would depend upon whether Sir Eric GEppEs would let them have it or not. Cinema stunt actors, says The Man- VOL. CLIX, | by the disordered state in which the | pantry was left, the Stilton cheese must | have put up a splendid fight. * It was most unfortunate that Mr. « Farry” ARBUCKLE’s visit to London should have clashed with the Cattle Show at the Royal Agricultural Hall. : * During a recent revue performance in London the conductor accidentally turned over two pages of music at once and the orchestra suddenly ceased play- ing. Several words of the chorus were actually heard by those sitting in front before the mistake could be rectified. Green peas in excellent condition, saysa contemporary, have been picked at Pentlow, Sussex. It serves them right. « Although Labour extremists are now much quieter it would take very Thames. Well, what did they expect ? Flamingoes ? Mr. A. B. Warkury has remarked that a prejudice against actors is as old as the stage. It is satisfactory to think it may be removed by a change of pro- fession. “TI never dreamed of anything like this when I invented the telephone,’ said Dr. Bett after a demonstration. Neither as a matter of fact did we when we hired ours. Owing to the fact that Dr. Bent has experienced no during his stay over here, it is thought that the American genius who invented revues may now risk a visit to our shores. ce Large numbers of Filipinos | are resisting an edict requiring | Un- | in the ranks of the Chicago | Riverside residents remarked | that just before the cold set in | large flocks of seagulls passed up the | that it is no older and that in many cases | } | unpleasantness |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [December 22, 1920, “THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.” Ix ArrecTionATE Memory or F. H. Townsenp. Onxy a few days before the sudden tragedy which took | from us our colleague of the Punch Staff, he made me a small request, very characteristic of his kindly heart. It | was that I should put in these pages a notice of The | Christmas Spirit, the illustrated annual published in aid | of the work of Talbot House (“ Toc. H.”), in which he had | taken a practical interest. In carrying out his wish I want | not only to plead in behalf of a good cause, but also to | associate this appeal with the memory of one with whom | for over fourteen years I have worked in close and happy | comradeship. | In case any reader of Punch has yet to be introduced to | the idea of Talbot House, let me explain that its purpose | is to carry on in peace-time the work that was done by the | original “Toc. H.,” which from 1915 to 1918, under the |} management of the Rev. P. R. Crayton, M.C., Garrison | Chaplain, provided the comforts of a club and rest-house at | Poperinghe for soldiers passing to and fro ir the deadly | Salient of Ypres. Its objects—I quote from The Christmas Spirit—are : | “(1) To preserve among ex-Service men and to transmit | to the younger generation the traditions of Christian Fellow- ship and Service manifested on Active Service. (2) To offer opportunities for recreation and the making | of friendships to thousands of men who find life a difficult | salient to hold. | (3) To provide opportunities for men of all kinds to come together in the Spirit of Service, to study, to discuss and, | if possible, to solve the problems of their time. | (4) To offer the help and happiness of club life at a low | rate by establishing clubs in many centres throughout the i i | country as the focus of the brotherhood.” | The noble work done by Talbot House in Poperinghe and | Ypres was gratefully recognised by the scores of thousands of our troops whose needs it served in those hard days, but | it was only when the War was over that its story was made | known to the public at home in Tales of Talbot House | (Cuatro AND Winbws), which received a warm welcome in | the review columns of Punch. This was followed recently | by The Pilgrim's Guide to the Ypres Salient (Retacn), a | little book compiled and written, as a labour of love, entirely | by ex-Service men. Besides being actually a present-day guide to the Salient, it contains special articles illustrating | the life that was there lived during the War by various | branches of the service. And now we have the annual of “Toc. H.”—The Christmas Spirit—to which the Prixce or | Waxes has given a foreword and a host of brilliant authors | and artists have freely contributed. Here are Rupyarp | Krenursc, SrerHen Granam, G. K. Curstrerton, E. F. Ben- | son, Ian Hay, Grupert Frankav, W. Roruenstery, “Spy,” Derwent Woop, Hearn Rosrnson and, of Punch artists, | F. H. Townsenp, Lewis Baumer, G. L. Stampa, GEorGE | Morrow, G. D. Armour, E. H. SHeparp, “ FouGassr,” | Wanuis Mmus and H. M. Bareman. | The four contributions of F. H. Townsenp include a | “first study ” for a drawing that appeared recently in Punch jand a delightful sketch of “The Christmas Spirit,” as | typified by a St. Bernard dog from whose little keg of brandy a traveller, up to the neck in snow, is reviving | himself. | Out of the great scheme in whose aid this remarkable | annual has been published have already sprung two Talbot | Houses, one in Queen’s Gate Gardens, and one in St. George's | Squaré. There is still need of a main headquarters in London | and hostels for its branches, more than sixty of them, spread j all over the country. ‘“ ‘Toc. H.,’” says its Padre, “is not a charity. Once opened our Hostel Clubs are self-supporting, as our experience already proves. In Edinburgh, Liverpool, Manchester, Bristol, Newcastle, Birmingham, Leeds, Shef- field, two thousand pounds will open a house for which our branches in each of these places are crying out. It is only the original outlay, the furniture and the first quarter's rent, which stands between us and a whole series of such houses in the great provincial centres. Fifty pounds will endow a bedroom, where a lad can live cheaper than in the dingiest lodgings, and know something better of a great city than that it is a place where all evil is open to him and all good is behind closed doors. . . . ‘Toc. H.,’ we repeat, is not another recurrent charity. It is a wise way of helping to meet our debt of honour; it is a living and growing memorial, charged with the task of making reincarnate in the younge: world the qualities which saved us.” Punch ventures to add his voice to this claim upon our honour and gratitude; and, if I may, I would like to make appeal to all who loved the work of our friend who is dead, that they should send some offering to this good cause as a personal tribute to the memory of a man who, in his own form of service, did so much to cheer the hearts of our fighting men in the dark hours that are over. Contributions should be addressed to the Rev. P. B. Crayton, M.C., Effingham House, Arundel Street, Strand, W.C. 2. O. 8S. THE FAIRY TAILOR. Srrrixc on the flower-bed beneath the hollyhocks [ spied the tiny tailor who makes the fairies’ frocks ; There he sat a-stitching all the afternoon And sang a little ditty to a quaint wee tune: ‘Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves, Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves, White for the pixies that dance upon the green, sut where shall I find me a robe for the Queen? ” All about the garden his little men he sent, Up and down and in and out unceasingly they went : Here they stole a blossom, there they pulled a leaf, And bound them up with gossamer into a glowing sheaf. Petals of the pansy for little velvet shoon, Silk of the poppy for a dance beneath the moon, Lawn of the jessamine, damask of the rose, To make their pretty kirtles and airy furbelows. Never roving pirates back from Southern seas Brought a store of treasures home beautiful as thes« They heaped them all about him in a sweet gay pile, But still he kept a-stitching and a-singing all the while ‘Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves, Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves, White for the pixies that dance on the green, But who shall make a royal gown to deck the Fairy Queen ?” R. F. ‘* Unless he wishes to raise a hornet’s nest about his ears we would advise him to let sleeping dogs lie.’’—Local Paper. Personally we never keep a dog that harbours hornets. From a concert-programme :— “Fantastic Symphony.,.Berlioz in a Vodka Shop......Bax.” Birmingham Pape This should help to combat the current opinion that BERLI0z is dry. a ‘ “Sir Johnston Forbes-Robertson said there were, in certain place some forms of light entertainments which, to say the least, wanted carefully watching.”—-Daily Paper. At present, we gather, the wrong people do the watching. YX ~ Settee LST REE ae ORT REESE te ORS LANIER CE eer auEs ERE SE

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ee ee met:

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[DeceMBER 22, 1920.

Me,

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OO Man of Wealth (to his son just home for the holidays). “AND WHY DON'T YO! OTHER BOYS *AVE GOT ONE.”

aad _——" = == eae ———e - . ~ + YN | Nich RRA iy we SN COAT? NONE OF Ti and “Ouf” and “ Ur-r,” though they realised how inadequate they were. And then one day, one very cold ,%, day, inspiration came to the frenzied brain of a’'genius, and he wrote down that single exquisite heart -cry and hurried it off to the printer. People knew then that the supreme mating of sound and sense, which we have agreed to call poetry, had once more been achieved. But I have wandered a little from the Serpentine. Has it everstruck you what people who bathe in the Serpentine on days like this are like during the rest of the year? Suppose it is a balmy spring morn- ing, a mild temperate afternoon in early summer, a soft autumn twilight when everyone else is happy and content, what are they doing then? Positively bathed in perspiration, groaning under the burden of the sun, mopping their shining foreheads and putting cabbage- leaves under their hats. And then at last comes the day they have longed for and looked forward to all through the twelve-months’ heat-wave, a beautiful

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AR MOLE EY OMA IFS Pelee Fr we REALS

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en GR me oe seer Seber sa amaze, a ee ea eee ee _— December 22, 1920.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. day forty degrees below the belt. They spring out of bed and fling wide the easement. That is what they intend to do, at least. As a matter of fact, of course, it is stuck, and they have to bash it out with a bolster, sending the icicles clinking into the basement. “Delicious!” they say, leaning out and breathing deep. ‘Then they chip a piece of ice out of the water-jug with a hammer, rub it on their faces and begin to shave. ‘They shave in their cotton pyjamas, with bare feet, humming a song. Then | they put on old flannels and a blazer, wrap a towel round their neck, light a cigarette, pick up a mattock and stroll to Hyde Park. When they get there they feloniously break the Kina’s ice. | Then they “ugh.” The mere thought of these people ughing with a great splash into the Serpentine makes me feel ill. When I think of them after- wards sitting lazily on the bank and_| letting the blizzard dry their hair, | basking in the snow for an hour or two} and reading their morning paper, and | every now and then throwing a snow- ball or a piece of “ugh” into the water, I hate them. Nobody ought to be allowed to bathe in the Serpentine on days like this except the swans, who paddle all night to hold the ice at bay. { wonder if I could get a swan and keep it in the water-jug. Half-past eight? Yes, I did hear, thank you. I am really going to get up very soon now. What I am going to do is to make one tiger-like leap—tiger-like leap, I say —for the bathroom door and turn the hot-water tap full on until the whole of the upper part of the house is filled with steam. Tam going to do it this very moment. I—yes—ugh. Now I come to think of it a tiger- like leap would be quite the wrong idea. lam glad I did not do it. Tigers are not cold when they leap. “Tiger, tiger, burning bright.” ‘Tiger, tiger What did you say? A quarter to nine? What? And the water-pipes frozen? Are they? Thankugh. : K. “WIDOW KISSED BY BURGLAR. ADVENTURE wiTH A Sorr-Vorcep GIANT. The gurglar took nothing away with him.”’ Scots Paper. “Gurglar” seems the mot juste. ee CLUB. Monthly medal competition. Returns:— Gross. Hep. Nett. F. Slicer. . . 92 8 84 W.H. Putter , 103 16 87” Provincial Paper. If only the Judicious Hooker had been playing he might have downed them PRETTY FISHES.” ee ee ig SR AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM. Mother (trying to calm her lachrymose offspring). “'Ere, ALBERT ZN. SN WV LOOK AT THE both. NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. Tue Pic. Tue way in which he eats and drinks Is so extremely crude That nearly everybody thinks The pig enjoys his food. But when I see how very fast, Without one single chew, He gobbles up his huge repast, I’m sure it isn’t true. Far nobler than your Uncle Joe, Who simply sits and sits, Revolving, gluttonous and slow, The more attractive bits; Far nobler than your Uncle Dick, Who likes the choicest food, And, if he doesn’t have the pick, Is very, very rude; The pig has not a word to say To subtleties of taste; He eats whatever comes his way With admirable haste. In fact, the pig may well resent The insult to his line When certain of the affluent Are said to eat like swine. A. P.H. “None are much better than others, and some are much worse.”—New Zealand Paper. We fear the writer is a pessimist. 1B 3A DUANE Sn SMe PTE FSS SOS NETS LS LOLI

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| j 486 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [DeceMBER 22, 1920. TAFFY THE FOX. [Mr. Horatio BorromLey has complained of the war-time efforts of the Porr Laureate, and desires the appointment of a national | bard whose mind is more attuned to the soul of the British nation. Recent political events are not of course a very inspiring subject for serious verse, but we have tried to do our feeble best here in faint imitation of one of the manners of Mr. Jonny MASEFIELD.]} Sare and snug from the wind and rain In a thick of gorse with a tranquil brain The fox had slept, and his dreams were all Of the wild Welsh hills and the country’s call ; He slept all night in the Wan Tun Waste, He woke at dawn and about he faced, - He flexed his ears and he flaired the breeze And scratched with his foot some poor wee fleas ; He sat on his haunches, doubted, stood ; To his left were the lairs of his native wood, The deep yew darkness of Cowall Itchen ; He flaired, I say, with his nostrils twitching Till he smelt the sound of the Fleet Street stunt And over the hillside came the Hunt. a * * * * Over the hillside, clop, clip, clep, And the dappled beauties, Ginger and Pep, Live Wire, Thruster, Fetch Him and Snatch Him, They were coming to bite him and pinch him and scratch him, Whimpering, nosing, scenting his crimes, The Evening News and The Morning Times. “ Yooi! On to him! Yooi there!’’ Hounds were in; He slunk like a ghost to the edge of the whin ; . Hark! ci Hoick!” seed were on his trail. x * The heugionain: "Alfred, rode The Mail, A bright bay mount, his best of prancers, Out of Forget-me-not by Answers. A thick-set man was Alf, and hard, He chewed a straw from the stable-yard ; He owned a chestnut, The Dispatch, With one white sock and one white patch ; And had bred a mare called Comic Cuts ; He was a man with fearful guts. So too was Rother, the first whip, Nothing could give this man the pip ; He rode The Mirror, a raking horse, A piebald full of points and force. Adil that was best in English life, All that appealed to man or wife, Sweet peas or standard bread or sales These two men loved. auey hated Wales. *: x * The fox burst out with a flair of cunning, He ran like mad and he went on running ; He made his point for the Heroes’ Pleasance, By Hang Bill Copse, where he roused the pheasants They rose with a whirr and kuk, kuk, kukkered ; The fox ran on with a mask unpuckered By Boshale Stump and Uttermost Penny, Where the grass was short and the tracks were many. He tried the clay and he tried the marl, A workman's whippet began to snar! ; Into the Dodder a splash he went, All that he cared was to change the scent, And half of the pack from the line he shook By palling whut 3 in the Beaver Brook. He swerved to the left at t May wiiea Soret, With an eye to sheep and an eye to drains ; | By Old Cole Smiley and Clere St. Thomas, Without any stops and without any commas ; At Addison’s Cots he went so quick, He startled a bricklayer laying a brick ; He ran over oats and he ran over barleys, By Moss Cow Puddle and Rushen Parleys ; By Lympne Sassoon and Limpet Farm He scattered the geese in wild alarm ; He ran with a pain growing under his pinny Till he heard the sound of a war-horse whinny, And tried for an earth in the Tory Holts. ** * * * x The earth was —— It was barred with bolts. He senet again and he asin hei Valley, By Paisley Shawls and Leamington Raleigh ; His flanks were wet, he was mire-beslobbered By Hatfield Yew and by Hatfield Robert ; He tried a hen-coop, he tried a tub, He tried the National Liberal Club— A terrier barked and turned him out. ‘ * » He tried the pot of an old drain- open. It was ‘much too vuinl. “With a bursting iets He thought of the home where he made his start ; His flanks were heaving, his soul despairing, He flaired again—he was always flairing _ To find the best way of escape and nab it, He couldn’t get out of this flairing habit ; He felt at his back the fiery breath Of the Kill Gorge pack that had vowed his death ; He turned once more for the shelter good Of the Wan Tun Waste and the dark yew woed, The deep yew fastness of Cowall Itchen And the scuts and heads of hens in his kitchen. The hounds grew weak and The Mail was blowing ; Rother said, “ Alf, this is bad going!” Past Pemberton Billing, past Kenworthy, He shook them off, he was damp and earthy ; By Molton Lambert and Platting C lynes—— But I can’t go on with these difficult lines. The night ae down and the band was my Alfred ‘and Rother were tucked in bed ; The cold mogn rose on a fox’s snore And everything much as it was before. Evor. Our Erudite Contemporaries. “* Her feet beneath her petticoat like little mice peep in and out. Yes, but when Bobbie l didn’t wear Louis heels and extremely short skirts.” Any more than they did when Sir Jonn SuckLine apostro- phised the “ wee, sleekit, cow’rin’, tim’rous beastie.” Our Sleuths. ‘* A Sheffield firm of solicitors have, this week, had stolen from one of the pegs in the hall an overcoat belonging to one of the principals. The solicitor concerned is of the opinion that someone removed it between his arrival at the office the other morning and going to find it in the evening, when it was anaes "— Provincial Paper. The Senéringham Hat. “Many women are making surprise presents of hats to their hus- bands, and will take great pleasure in seeing them worn for the first time on Christmas Day.”—Daily Mail. We understand that it will be the quietest Christmas on record, many family men having decided to spend the day in the seclusion of their own homes. Burns wrote that the lassies of Scotland | —Ladies' Paper. | EES TO Joh ORRIN SENG ESS

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SE ALL TT CELT LE EES a a I a

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487 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, DeceMBER 22, 1920.)

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8 / / — > aS Bas ee sce pena 2 - Bat OTP ser aM RE TAY NCR SMa RE ly —ABOUT SWITZERLAND IS—

—THE COMPLETE CHANGE—

Fis 1a Nii og

—-NEEDLESS DRESSING-UP.” —AND ALL THAT—

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| “* You want me to get some 488 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [DeceMBER 22, 1920. | Sprightly Act ? THE HUMOURIST. “ Here's Alan,” said Cecilia ; “good.” “ Really,” I said, stopping and bow- ing slightly in several directions, “I am touched. Such a reception.... I find no words me “Don’t be funny,” said Margery cut- tingly, “we shan’t laugh. What we want to know is what are you going to do?” «“ Well,” I said, “I did think of sitting by the fire and—er—just watching it burn.” say—— Then what are you going to do, anyway ?”’ “ Well, we thought at first we'd do a play, but there were difficulties in the way.” “Too true,” I said; act to begin with.” “Speak for yourself,” said Margery. “ Pardon, Miss Thorndike,” I apolo- gised. “ No, the difficulty is that we haven't really room for theatricals. We should have to use the drawing-room, and by the time you ‘ve got a stage and scenery “none of us can “Nothing. I never heard of such a horrible idea.” | Don’t be a pig, Alan,” said Margery. | * Really, Cecilia,” I said, “let me plead with you. Not a costume con- cert party, please. A simple glee per- haps—just four of us—in evening dress; or even a conjurer. I'll agree to any- thing. But not, not Pierrots, Cecilia.” “ Pierrots it is,’ said Cecilia defiantly. “Then I wash my hands of it. To think that our family ——” “You can wash your hands if you like,” said “Oh, dear,” said Margery, * please don’t be dense. I mean, what are you going to do at the show?” [ passed my hand over my eyes. “I’m. sorry,” I said; “T’m afraid I don't. . Have I been to sleep for ten years or anything?” “Tell him,” said Margery impatiently. ‘ You'll have to start right at the begin- ning. ’ | sat down expectantly. “Well,” began Cecilia, “Christmas is coming and we shall be full up.” «“ Of course, of course,” I murmured deprecatingly. medicine ready for you?” “T mean the house will be full up,” explained Cecilia coldly. “The point is we must arrange something be- forehand—-some sort of en- tertainment.”’ *“ Good heavens,” I said, “you're not going to hire the Sisters Sprightly or anything, are you?” ‘No, we are not,” said Cecilia; “not the Sisters Doris. ‘Bur, Jimmy, | Wien \\ y Ye THOUGHT YOU CAME 70 BUY Sprightly nor the Brothers} ror Dappy?” Bung. We are going to do Jimmy. “Yrs, 1r’s ALL RriGuHT, Sis, I I DOING it ourselves.” MY ENGINE LAST CHRISTMAS; I THOUGHT HE'D LIKE SELF THIS YEAR.” “What —a_ Sisters Hx M'NOPOLISED ONE tainly going to take part.” guing with Cecilia. “ Then tell me the worst,” I begged; “what am I to be? Can I show people to seats, am I the | good - looking tenor with gehtlemanly features long hair?” “We thought of making | their or anda Cecilia. I buried my head in my hands and shuddered. At this moment John came into.the room. “Talk ing about the ‘Merry Mag gots’?” he said. “ Splendid idea I’ve just been thinking over, and what we must dé cide on first of all is who is to be the—the humourist He's the really important man; must be really first-class.’ 2 We've also i cussing it,” I said quickly, ‘and we came to the con- someot been clusion that there’s only one man for the job \ A PRESENT self. John nodded coMmpia- cently. FOR HIM- say so, because I was going Have a little shame, Cecilia. What will Christopher think when he sees his mother in a ballet skirt, kicking about all over the draw- ing-room ?”’ “He'd think I looked very nice,” said Cecilia hotly, “if I was going to wear one; but I’m not.” «“ Not going to wear a ballet skirt?’ [ said. “You surely don’t mean to appear in——-" “ We're not Sprightly turn gery ; “ nobody but you.” “Then I give it up,” I said help- lessly; “I quite understood you to going to do a Sisters at all,” shouted Mar- ever thought of them and rooms for changing, well, there's simply no space left for the audience,” explained Cecilia. * That ’s no objection at all,” I said; ‘rather an advantage, in fact.”’ “ And anyhow,” continued Margery, “we haven't got a play to do.” “And so,” said Cecilia, “we've de- cided to have a concert party.” ] gasped, “ Not a concert party,” I implored. *Yes,”’ said Cecilia, “a costume concert party. It isn’t any use groan- ing like that. It’s all arranged. Sheila and Arthur Davies, Margery, John, you and I are in it. The question is what are you going to do?”’ ~~ it myself. It’s my belief that f to suggest I know the futility of ar- | Cecilia; “we should prefer | it, in fact; but you are cer- y ! you the funny man,” said | of Cecilia’s, isn’t it? | “T’m glad to hear you | I should be a devilish funny fellow if I | hadachance. I’ve just tried a few jokes on myself upstairs, and I’ve been simply roaring with laughter. Haven't enjoyed myself so much for years.” “Splendid fellow!” I said heartily ; “you shall tell them to me later on and I'll roar with laughter too. Cecilia, put your husband down for the funny man.” «* H’m—humourist,” corrected John with a slight cough. “* Humourist,’” I agreed; thank goodness that’s settled.” “ But,” said Cecilia, “ you said you were going to do a dramatic recitation.” “and = SW ORES R CAR TRIER POAC Se

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ae ot PEER pe ta rye — “So LONG, OLD cHaP! | “SoTam,solam,” said John; “I’m going to do that my dear Cecilia. as well. ment and have them sobbing into their | handkerchiefs the next. I’m going to | do it all, Cecilia.” “So it appears,” said Cecilia; “ it hardly seems worth while to have any- body else in the show.” Ei Now, now,” said John, wagging his forefinger at her, “ no jealousy. ought to be glad to have someone really good in the party. Good funny men aren't to be found just anywhere.” “ But we don’t know that you ave a | good funny man,”’ said Margery. “Of course you don’t,” said John; pa ‘ve never had a chance to prove it. For years I have been kept in the back- ground by your family. I’m never | allowed to make a joke, and if I do nobody laughs. This is my chance. [’m going to be in the limelight now. I shall be the life of the party, and it’s | ho good trying to stop me. In fact,” he finished confidentially, “ I shan’t be surprised if I take it up professionally. You should have heard me laughing | Upstairs,” | _ PUNCH, OR ‘THE Contrast, | Laughter and tears. | | Double them up with sly wit one mo- | You | renee LONDON CHARIVARL, . ea Xi) x \ a. i’:: ory ro Cuantinc Cross.” ee = cI ged boy Noe K! Estas |= ~7 Lt 7 - % el bas i " SS = vat fas™an” rat “Hospirat, I presume.” Se = sons | “But, John,” began Margery. | “Sh—!” said Cecilia; “it’s no use arguing with him while he’s in this | mood, That’s all right, John. You shall be everything you like. But as | you ’ve selected such a lot of parts for | yourself perhaps you'll suggest what we can do with Alan. « Ah,” said John; “Alan! Yes, he’s a problem, certainly. If he had any I’m not sure that we want Could he do a clog-dance, | | voice, how. | him at all. ido you think ?” | « Don’t wort y,” L interrupted ; “ I ‘ve | thought of a fine part for me. All the ibest concert parties have a chap who |sits in the corner and does nothing but |look miserable. I could do that splen- | didly.”’ “That's quite true,” said John ap- |provingly; “it tickles the audience, | vou know, to see a fellow looking glum | while everyone else is having hysterics at the funny—at the humourist. It isn’t as easy as it looks, though, Alan. I shall keep saying things to make you laugh, you know. You'll find it jolly difficult to keep looking miserable once I get going.” ; “Not at all,” I said. “That is, T| shall try not to listen to you being | funny.” John looked at whether it was worth following up. He decided it was not. “T daresay he'll do,” he said loftily to Cecilia; “‘ the fellow has no sense of humour anyway.” Commercial Modesty. “This system develops such valuable quali ties as: — Forgetfulness —Mind Wandering — Brain Fag —Indecision — Dullne —Shyness 7 imidity Weakness of W ill Lack of System — Lack of Initiative Indefiniteness Mental Flurry.” Advt. in Sunday Paper, 8 ~ ‘Jt is announced that, starting with next ‘Ways and and ‘ Common will be amalgamated,’’ Evening Paper. Will the Government please note? week, mean Sense’ “ Army biscuits, suitable for bed-chair cash- ’s Auction Sale.” Provincial Paper. ions, 3s. reserve. me and considered | | | | They seem to have lost something of | their war-time hardihood, |

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OR THE LONDON

’ Small Boy, “I say, 1sn’?

PUNCH, . [DecemBer 22, 1920.

Yay WT ou f i ee a ge oeds. 4 ry

PUSS AT THE PALACE. The Daily Telegraph, in a report of the Cat Show at the Crystal Palace, remarks that ‘the cat has ‘come back’ as a hobby.’’} O aut ye devoted cat-lovers, Ere spending the cheques you have cashed, Leave a trifle for tickets to enter the wickets That ope on the Temple of Pasht. For to-day in the Palace of Paxton Cats gathered from every zone Manx, Persian, Sardinian, Chinese, Abyssinian- Are now being splendidly shown. | The names of the winners and owners

Inspire me with joy and delight ; E.q., Blue-eyed Molly, John Bull (Madame Dolli) And Snowflake, the champion white. | And then the adorable kittens ! Too high-bred to gambol or skip, With names that are mighty, like Ingle- wood Clytie, Or comic, like Holme Ruddy Pip. It is pleasant to learn Mr. SHake- SPEARE’'S Success with his Siamese strain, J For his namesake the poet, so far : we know it, Held ‘ poor, disdain. harmless” puss in Yes, the eat h hobby, Oh, let us be thankful for that, For it might be the coon or the blue- nosed baboon, Or the deadly Norwegian rat. is “come back” as a

THE FINE OLD FRUITY. WrsE merchants must be kind men. So many of those who have sent me their circulars this Christmas-time have announced that they are “ giving their clients the benefit of some exceptionally advantageous purchases which they have made.”’ But it is not the humanity of wine merchants of which I wish to speak. It is the intriguing epithets which they apply to their wines. And I have enter- tained myself by applying these to my relatives, an exercise which I find attended by the happiest results. “Fine old style, rich,” is, of course, obvious. It applies to more than one

of my Victorian uncles. ‘“ Medium rich” to a cousin or so. More subtle is HARIVARL — } round.”

Ih face i |

“medium body.” This must be Uncle Hilary; he takes little exercise now- udays and his figure is suffering. Soon he will be “full-bodied” or “full and “ Elegant, high class” is my Cousin Isabel. “Pretty flavour” also is hers. ‘Fresh and brisk” is Aunt Hannah. And could anything be more descriptive of Aunt Geraldine than “‘ delicate and generous ” ? For “ great breed and style” (used, I see, of a claret) I should, I fear, be obliged to go outside the family; and “ recom- mended for present consumption and for laying down ’’I only mention be- cause it leaves me wondering to what other uses a fine fruity Burgundy could be put. But here is a noble one: “ Of very high class, stylish, good body and fing character.” I have tried this on several relations without being entirely satisfied about it, and I have finally decided that I shall keep it for myself.

“Only a few visitors braved the first fall of the snow yesterday and adventured as far as the Zoological Gardens. They found there a depressed-looking collection of animals in the open-air cages, but a perfect holocaust of sparrows.” —Sunday Paper. The sparrows must have been enough, anyway. vyarm SS ee igri cat 2 Porat a pYyLargrerey lar aS ae 2 POMS TH ALGO EOD cae eed Sma P PhS, EER SRS Sih Sat

“|

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esrenerapnpeensenarancer . SET SE ENE EL ne a aie ee: > . TO YOUR HEAL PASS ME N LET RDU ’ 4 4 LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 22, 1920. 7 4 NCH, OR THE r J PU AL RS he HE wis gt mans

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OLDE EE RMSE IID Rs Rei alps abhi Bx

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LNRM CR TE ILENE teen tens Sa Neen 25 AGM (BTL TD, Puonmen 2, 1990) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL aw essayed “ little by little” xdge him-|} i ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. self into their midst. oe Wie _ Coamaiana ‘ Monday, December 13th.—Since the If the Opposition desired a really Tuesday, December 14th.— Despite House of gn taping veda its teeth | satisfactory discussion on the origin of| the protests of Lord Braye, who de- and bolted with the Gover nment of} the fires in Cork it should have chosen| manded full self-determination for Ire- Ireland Bill the Lorp Cuancettor has | some other spokesman than Lieut.-| land, the Peers gave a Third Reading to practically thrown the reins on the|Commander Kenwortuy. The hon.| the Government of Ireland Bill. Lord | was left by these “Burnt Cork creature's neck and confined himself to occasional mild re- monstrance when it kicked over the Government traces. The most he could do when rival amendments were put forward was to secure the passage of the less objection- able. Thus when Lord SHan- pon, for purely sentimental reasons — Ireland knew him as “a most susceptible Chan- CREWE so far modified his previous attitude as to con- gratulate the Government on | having held on their course in the face of the discourag- ing events in Ireland, and to express the hope that the | measure would be worked for | all it was worth, though, in his lordship’s estimation, it | was not worth much. The Ministry of Health PSOE AREY MINS rere rtey Bill found the Peers in a | much less accommodating mood. Lord Srracute moved its rejection, chiefly on the | ground of the financial strain cellor—desired that the uni- fying body should be called a Senate Lord BrrKENHEAD laughed the proposal out of court with the remark that 44, * , ; “a man might as well pur- / ZA. \t would impose upon local | chase a mule with the object Ze authorities, and was sup- | of founding a stud,” and per- 2 ported by Lord Ganway, | suaded the Peers to accept who thought it an insult to | the word “ Council.”” He was Awl, Parliament to bring forward at first inclined to oppose so ambitious a measure at | Lord WickLow’s amendment The Lor ( ELLOR, “AND TO THINK IT WAS THE BEST IRISH the fag-end of the Session. | Limes Lord Curzon vainly en- providing that neither Irish Parliament should take private property | and gallant gentleman was less aggres- | deavoured to avert the coming storm without compensation; but when he! sive in manner than usual, but even|by accepting a suggestion that the | found that an old Home Ruler, Lord| so he encountered a good many inter-| Bill should be carried over till next Bryce, was in favour of imposing this|ruptions. He was answered in a|Session. The majority of the Peers curb on Irish exuberance he, as “a very | characteristic speech by Mr. ChaupE} were out for blood, and they defeated | LowrHer; and the debate as a whole|the Second Reading by 57 to 41. Dr. young Home Ruler,” gracefully with- ge drew his objection. = er rose much above the leyel where | Anptson, from the steps of the Throne, gloomily watched the Sir Jonn Barrp re- vealed the names of the = > : : ts overturn of his omnibus. members of the Central Z | waciney, pce ap 6 3 Control Board (Liquor Traffic). The muffled groans that followed the announcement of the first of them, Mr. Warers- BuTLER, were quite un- called for, as I understand that the gentleman in question preservesa strict lnpartiality between the two branches of his pat- ronymic. Sir Ertc GeppEs was not too sympathetic to lowing the example of his distinguished namesake, he is going to write to The Spee tator about Lord STRACHIE. So many of the Com- | mons appe ared to have | anticipated the Christ- mas holidays that Ques- | run through pace. Mr. was 10 tions were at a great Hoaaz, however, his place all right to know how it was, alter all the protestations of the Gov- the complaints of over- crowding on the subur- ban railways; but I can- not think that Mr. Mar- TIN had fully thought out ernment, that an official motor-car containing an officer and a lady had been seen outside a toy- shop in Regent Street. the consequences of his suggestion that the right hon. gentleman should take a trip one night from Aldgate to Barking and see for himself. Imagine ™4DE!” the feelings of the strap- Driver Ccrzon, “Mu? “Mark how a plain tale shall set you down,” said Mr. Cuurcuitt in effect. The officer was on his way from an outlying branch of the War Office THE END OF THE OMNIBUS. Conductor Appisox. “A NICE OLD MESS YOU VE BEEN AND GONE AN Ir you HADN’T BEEN SO LATE IN TURNING OUT if THINGS 80 FINE.” to an important confer- hangers when Sir Eric sHOULPN'T HAVE HAD TO CUT Bo saa i a a SDE ei EPPS CSW TIO ATLL S HIN po weer : 4 i ii i a} Ba) bg uy a! if is t as basins 5 et SS Fo Paes MR tin Ee ARRAS OA

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ee enna anecaassar antiaasenadl ana -nahaietashienretd : 7] : j eae lari 494 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [DeceMBeR 22, 1920. Dealer. “WELL, THERE SHE I8, GuUy'NOR, AN’ ence in Whitehall ; the lady was his pri- ; vate secretary ; the natural route of the | carwas vid Regent Street, and the officer had merely seized the opportunity to pick up a parcel. A Supplementary Estimate of six and a-half millions for the Navy gave the economists their chance. Mr. G. Lam- BERT could not understand why we were | employing more men at the dockyards than before the War, and suggested that | three or four of the yards might be sold. This proposal was received with singu- | larly little enthusiasm by most of the Members for dockyard constituencies ; | but Sir B. Fatie (Portsmouth) hand- + ' somely remarked that Chatham might well be leased for private enterprise. The Member for Chatham was not pre- sent, or he would, no doubt, have re- turned the compliment. Wednesday, December 15th.—A less adventurous Minister than Mr. Cuur- CHILL might have funked the task of justifying to a House of Economists a Supplementary ArmyEstimate of forty millions. But he boldly tackled the job, and proved to his own satisfaction that half the liability was a mere book-entry, and the other half inevi- a. table, in view of the Empire's commit- ments. Sir CHarLes TOWNSHEND, in a maiden speech which in the more flamboyant passages suggested the collaboration of the Eprror of John Bull, announced his intention of sup- porting the Government “for all I am worth,” and proceeded to demonstrate that their policy in Mesopotamia had been wrong from start to finish. Thursday, December 16th.—1 don't know whether the current rumours of the Prime Minister's delicacy are put about by malignant enemies who hope that Nature will accomplish what they have failed to achieve, or by well-mean- ing friends who desire to convince the Aberystwith Sabbatarians that Sunday golf is essential to his well-being. In his answers to Questions this afternoon he showed no signs of failing powers. When Mr. Brnuine accused him of breaking his pledge that there should be no more secret diplomacy he modestly replied that that was not his but Presi- dent Wutson’s phrase; and a little later he informed the same cocksure ques- tioner that a certain problem was “not so simple as my hon. friend imagines YOURS AT A ROCK-BOTTOM PRICE.” Farmer. NOA, THANKER. I ONLY GOT POUND NOTES ON ME, YE SEE, AN’ I DOAN’T WANT TO BREAK INTO ANOTHER.” most problems are.” An inquiry about the Franco-British boundaries in the Holy Land led the Prime Minister to observe that the territory delimited was “the old his toric Palestine—Dan to Beersheba.” It was, of course, a mere coincidence that | the next Question on the Paper related io the destruction of calves, though noi the golden kind. The quarter-deck voice in which Rear-Admiral Apa thundered for in formation regarding the Jutland Papers so startled Sir James Crate that, fear- ing another salvo if he temporised with the question, he promptly promised immediate publication. Despite a characteristic protest from Mr. Devuiiy, who, as Mr. Bonar Law observed, treats his opponents as if | they were “not only morally bad but intellectually contemptible,” the House proceeded to consider the Lords’ Amend- ments to the Home Rule Bill, and dealt with them by the time-honoured device of “splitting the difference.” “MALESWOMAN WANTED. — Competent to take charge of Millinery establishment.” Trade Paper. A sort of Mannequin, we presume. res (fA PROS LD a a no ase ee gE i Re RATES A

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December 22, 1920.] PUNCH, OI t THE LONDON CHARIVARI 495 atl oro tly se | T sap ABOUT GETTING YOUR FEET WRT. ONE Bur REMEMBER SHE MUST BE CAPABLE AND PLAIN " 44 «“y 4 ( Vir AS y 5 EB 4 e The Viking’s Wife (to husband, who is setting off to raid the coast of Britain). “Goop-sye, SIGURD DARLING. AND, BY THE WAY, I'M GREATLY IN NEED OF NOT LIKK THE HUSSIES YOU USUALLY FETCH.” Don’? FORGET WHAT A COOK-GENERAL, IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE ] | A FOUL GAME. s It is Christmas, and here is a nice ‘little cricket story for the hearth. The | funny thing about it is that it is true. | And the other funny thing about it is that it was told to me by a huge Rugger | Blue called Erie. (1 understand people | ¢an change their names at Confirma- tion. Why don’t they ? ) It was in a College match—not, I | gather, a particularly serious one. Eric and his friend Charles were playing for Balbus College against Caramel College. | Caramel had an “A” team out, and Balbus, I should think, must have had about a “K” team . anyhow, Eric and Charles were both playing. Erie, as he modestly said, doesn’t bat much, and Charles doesn’t bowl much. Eric said to Charles, “I bet you a fiver you wont get six wickets.’’ Charles said to Eric, “ All right; and I bet you a fiver you won't get a hundred runs.” Then began a hideous series of in- | trigues. Caramel were to bat first, and | Eric went to the Balbus captain and | Said, “ There's a sovereign* for you if Charles doesn’t go on to bowl at all.” “Very well,” said the captain, with a glance of sinister understanding. “Wouldn't have anyhow,” he added as he pocketed the stake. Then Charles arrived. | * This is a pre-war story. “ Two pounds,” said the captain. “ What for?” said Charles. “ For ten overs—four bob an over.” ‘©It’s too much,” said Charles; “ but there's a sovereign for you if Eric goes in ninth wicket down.” “Very well,” said the captain, with a glance of devilish cunning. “ It’s only one lower than usual. Thank you.” Acting on intuition and their know- ledge of the captain, Eric and Charles then hotly accused each other of bribery. Both confessed, and it was agreed to start fair. Charles was to bow! first change and Eric was to bat first wicket. The captain said he would want a lot of bribing to go back on the original arrangement, especially if it meant Charles bowling, but he would do it for the original price; and, as he already held the money, Eric and Charles had to concede the point. By the way, I am afraid the captain doesn't come very well out of this, and I’m afraid it is rather an immoral story; but my object is to show up the evils of commercialism, so it is all right. Pallas Athene came down and stood by the bowler’s umpire while Charles was bowling, and he got five wickets quite easily. It was incredible. The Caramel batsmen seemed to be para- lysed. Then the last man came in, and the first thing he did was to send up a nice little dolly catch to Eric at cover- point. Eric missed it. When I say he missed it I mean he practically flung it on the ground. Indeed he rather over- did it, and the batsman, who was a sportsman and knew Charles, appealed to the umpire to say he was really out. Pallas Athene grabbed the umpire by the throat, and he said firmly that no catch had been made. Then the batsmen made a muddle about a run and found themselves in the common but embarrassing position of being both at the wicket-keeper’s end. The ball had gone to Eric and he had only to throw it in to Charles, who was bowling, for Charles to put the wicket down. But in one of those flashes of inspiration which betray true genius he realised that in the circumstances that was just what Charles would not do. Direct action was the only thing. So, ball in hand, he started at high velocity towards the wicket himself. He was a Rugger Blue (I told you) and a three-quarter at that,so he went fairly fast. However, the batsman saw that he had a faint hope after all, and he ran too. It was an heroic race, but the batsman had less distance to go. Eric saw that he was losing, and from a few yards’ range he madly flung the ball at the wicket. He missed the wicket, but he hit Charles very hard on the shin, which was something. I fancy he must have hit Pallas Athene as EAA MIMD GNT a PT

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eT eee eae et 496 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DecemBER 22, 1920. well, for with the very next ball she gave Charles his sixth wicket. By this time the game had resolved itself into an Homeric combat between | the two protagonists, of which the | no!” he eried. main bodies of the Balbus and Caramel armies were merely neutral spectators —neutral, that is, so far as they had not been hired out for some dastard ser- vice by one or other of the duellists. When Eric went in it was clear that Juno had come down to help him, for he made three runs in eight balls with- out being bowled once. Then Charles came in. His first ball he hit slowly between mid-off and cover, and he called for a run. All unsuspecting, Eric cantered down the pitch. When he was half-way Charles seemed to be seized with the sort of panic which sometimes possesses a batsman. “No, “Go back! go back!’ And he seuttled back himself. Juno | fortunately intervened and Eric just got home in time. But he realised now what he was up against. His next ball he hit towards mid-wicket, and shout- ing “Come on!” he galloped up the pitch. Charles came on gingerly, ex- pecting to be sent back, but Erie duly passed him; he then turned round and just raced Charles back to the wicket- keeper's end. Charles was only a Soccer Blue (and a goal-keeper at that), and Eric won. “ After that,” said Eric with his usual | modesty, “it was easy.” Eyewitnesses, | however, have told me more. Juno dealt with the Caramel bowlers, but Eric had to compete with Charles. And Charles resorted to every kind of devilish expedient. Nearly all the Balbus bats- men were bribed to run Eric out, and | whenever he hit a boundary Erie had | to stop and reason with them in the middle of the pitch. Sometimes he tried to outbid Charles, but he usually found that he couldn't afford it. So he col- lared the bowling as much as possible and tried not to hit anything but bound- aries. Juno helped him a good bit in that way. When he had made seventy he got a ball on the knee. Charles ran out and offered to run for him, but Eric said he could manage, thank you. Then Charles went and walked rapidly up and down in front of the sereen; but Eric wasn't the sort of batsman who minded that. At about ninety, Eric’s knee was pretty bad, so he called out for some- body to run for him—znot Charles. Five of Charles’s hirelings rushed out of the pavilion, but the captain said he would go himself, as that wasn’t fair. Besides, he had money on Eric himself. At this point I gather that Pallas Athene must have deserted Charles al- together, for he seems to have enter- tained for a moment or two the ignoble notion of tampering with the scorer. I am glad to be able to say that even the members of the Balbus College “ K.”’ Team, eaten up as they were by this time with commercialism, declined to be parties to that particular wickedness. With every circumstance of popular excitement Eric’s hundredth run—a mis-cue through the slips—was finally made, scored and added up. In fact, he carried his bat. “So you were all square,” I said, not without admiration. “ By no means,” said Eric. “ It cost me forty shillings.” « And Charles?” “It cost him seven pounds.” A.P.H. ““ SUGGESTIONS.” A WARNING. ENTERING as we are upon the season of games, it might be well to utter an urgent appeal: to hostesses not to play “ Suggestions.” ~For “ Suggestions,” though it may begin as a game, is really a wrangle. Under the guise of a light-hearted pastime it offers little but opportunities for misunderstanding, general conversation, allegations of un- fairness, and disappointment. “ Suggestions’ ought to be played like this: You sit in a semicirele and the first player says something—any- thing—a single word. Let us suppose it is (as it probably will be in thousands of cases) “ Marcor.” The next player has to say what “ Maraor”’ suggests— ‘reticence,’ for example—and the next player, shutting his mind completely to the word ‘“ Margot,” has to say what “reticence” suggests — perhaps Grimaud, in The Three Musketeers— and the fourth player has to disregard “reticence’’ and announce whatever mental reaction the name of Grimaud produces. It may be that he has never heard of Grimaud and the similarity of sound suggests only Grimaxpr the clown. Then he ought to say, “ Grim- ALDI the clown,” which might in its turn suggest “melancholy” or “ the circus.” All the time no one should speak but the players in their turn, and they should speak instantly and should say nothing but the thing that is honestly suggested by the previous word. At the end of, say, a dozen rounds the process of unwinding the coil begins, each player in rotation taking part in the backward process until “ Marcor” is again reached. That is how the game should be played. This is how it is played :— _ First Player. Let me see; what shall I say? Various other Players(together). Surely there's no difficulty in beginning? Say anything,” ete., ete. A Player (looking round). Say * fireplace.” ‘ First Player. But that’s so silly. Master of Ceremonies (who wishes he had never proposed the game). It doesn’t matter. All that is needed is a | start. Another player. Say “ Maraor.” (Roars of laughter.) All. Oh, yes, say “ Marcor.” First Player. Very well, then ‘“ Maraor,” (More laughter.) Second Player (trying to be cleve) “ Reticence.” (Shouts of laughter.) Other Players. How could “ Maraot suggest “ reticence ”’ ? M. C. Never mind; the point is that itdid. Now then—and please everyone | be silent—now, then, Third Player ? Third Player. “ Audacity.” — M. C. I'm afraid you're not playing | quite fairly. You see “reticence” can- | not suggest “audacity.” The First Player's word not impossibly might Could it be that you were still thinking of that ? Third Player, I’m sorry. But “ret cence’’ doesn’t suggest anything. Other Player s(toys ther).Oh, ves, it does “silence,” “ 'Trappists.” M. C. If a word suggests notiu whatever to you, you “ Blank mind,” Third Player. Ah, but I’ve thought of something now—* reticule.”’ (Roars of laughter.) M. C. It’s all right. That's how the mind does work. Now, next playe: Fourth Player. Have I got to say something that “reticule” suggests ? M. C. That’s the idea—yes. A Player. Say “ vanity-bag. Another Player. Say “ powder-puff.” (Roars of laughter.) M.C. Please, please—eitherthe game is worth playing or it isn’t. If it is worth playing it is worth playing seri- ously, and then you can get some very funny effects—it’s a psychological exhi- bition; but if other players talk at the | same time and try to help it’s useless. | Now, next player, please. The word 1s | “‘ reticule.” Fourth Player (after a long silence). | Say “ grumpiness,” “ oysters,’ should ‘‘ Bond Street.”’ Fifth Player. Ah, “ Bond Street”! That’s better. That suggests heaps of things. Whichshall I choose? “Choco- | lates”? No. “Furs”? No. “ Dia- | monds"’? No. Oh, yes—* Old Masters.” | M. C. (with resignation). But you | know you mustn't select. The whole | point of the game is that you must say | Bits Sa SEA >

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' Seaton ERED Ped it Pace tee eee SOVST OEE HH: : . e i t 1920.] December 99 may Fruiterer. ** Royaury = = os saceareneicrnewereenre | What comes automatically into your | | mind as you hear the word. Fifth Player. 1’m sorry. Shall I go | back to “diamonds”? — . M.C. No, you had better stick to “Old Masters.” Fifth Player. “Old Masters.” Sith Player (deaf). What did you | | 8ay— mustard-plasters ” ? i uth Player. No; “Old Mastevs.” | | Sixth Player. I’ve heard of new men and old acres, but I’ve never heard of Old Pastures. What are they ? Fifth Player (shouting). ; No, no;] “Old Masters.” Pictures of the Old | Masters—Rapwakn, Trrran. Sixth Player. Ah, yes! “Old Masters.’ Well, that suggests to me- Yes (trrumphantly), “the National Gallery.” Ne venth Player (who has been waiting sternly). “ Trafalgar Square.” Eighth Player (instantly). “ NELson.” Ninth Player (even more quickly). | “ Netson Keys.” M. C. (beaming). That's better. It’s going well now. Tenth Player. “Englandexpocts——" | Ninth Player. No, you can't say that. I could have said that, but you can’t. Tenth Player. Why not? Ninth Player. Because “ NELson ” is! 18 ‘ISSELF, MADAM, COULDN'T W gh : nin. | Tenth Player. If you ‘d said “ Krys” |l might have done. But you said ‘“Netson Keys,” and the “ NELson” OR THE LONDON CHARI VARL. an w\) Wa } ¥ oY ISH FOR A BETTER | Newly-rich Matron. “Writ, 1f Royatty caN Bite '&M I s’pose I can, I'LL ’AveE 17.” all over and done with. Thenew name ;‘* Nenson Keys.” You ought to have ght of something connected with toOU Isn't : } ] ee 9 touched a spot. that right ? W.C. Quite right. It’s the only way | to play. But may I once more ask that there should be no talking? We shall} never be able to unwind if there is. Now, please ‘s England expects “ Eleventh Player. “ Duty.” Tu elfth Play aie Bore.” Thirteenth Player. “The Marne.” (Cries of astonishment.) Various Play rs. How can “ bore” suggest ‘the Marne’? M. C. But it did. Twelfth Player. How did it? for fun I'd like to know. Thirteenth Player. Well, when I was on the Marne I used to see the marks on the ground made by them. Twelfth Player. By who? Thirteenth Player. The wild boars. (Iioars oj laughter.) Twelfth Player. But I meant that is a bore—b-o-r-e. You mustn’t mind. Just ( ne ant nm EP ROOD ET SEITE BOD PN oe ener isso pasate PINEAPPLE THAN THAT.” It’s what you think—not what is—in this game. But really we're in such a sntisigg horas songeeeeo eB Crs RR muddle, wouldn't it be better to begin | again? You all know the rules now. | Hostess. Perhaps “Clumps” might | be better, don’t you think ? M. C. Just as you like. ‘“ Clumps,” then. The Deaf Player. What is the word now ? A Player. We're going to play “Clumps ” instead. The Deaf Player. Mumps in bed ? I’m sure I don’t know what that sug- gests. That's very diflicult. But I like this game. It ought to be great fun when we unwind. (They separate for “C/ imps.’’) BE. VY. L. Headline to an article on ladies’ fashions : Hy Down.” “SpockKines ( This should make the hosiers pull up their socks. reasons, humanity, made the Eugenist favour s« hemes for abolishing the eugenist.”—Daily Paper. We are inclined to agree with the C. (frantic). It doesn’t matter. layts iaey 3 M. | “ Several besides the claims of | | | Eugenist.

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Peas SH SOA me 498 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [DecemBer 22, 1920, 4 \\ Ni SS ‘a Ss WN ~ + ‘ om fe — . *s A AT A FAT STOCK SHOW. “THry'RE TWO SMART 'OGS, I ADMIT. You KNOW YERSELF IT DON’T? PAY ANYONE Ber LOOK AT THE PR » FOOD-STUFFS. 10 FEED THESE DAys.” MISPLACED BENEVOLENCE. Dear Mr. Puncu,—From your earliest | years you have preached sound and wholesome doctrine on the duty of man | to birds and beasts. Indeed, I remember | your pushing it to extreme lengths in a poem entreating people not to men- tion mint-sauce when conversing with alamb. Still, 1 wonder whether even you would approve of the title of an article in Nature on “The Behaviour of Beetles.’ Of course I know that “behaviour” is a colourléss word, still I am rather inclined to doubt whether beetles know how to behave at all. I may be prejudiced by my own experi- ences, but they certainly have been | unfortunate. They began early—at my private school, to be precise. I shall SS never forget the conversation I had, when a new boy, with a sardonic senior who, after putting me through the usual catechism, asked me what 1 was going to be. I replied that L had not yet decided, whereupon my tormentor, after looking at my feet, which I have never succeeded in growing up to, observed, “ Well, if 1 were you, I think I should emigrate to Colorado and help to crush the beetle.” Later on in life I was the victim of a cruel hoax, carried out with triumphant ingenuity by a confirmed practical joker, who with the aid of a thread caused what appeared to be a gigantic blackbeetle to perform strange and unholy evolutions in my sitting- room. Worst of all, I was victimised by the presence of a blackbeetle in a plate of clear soup served me at my club. I backed my bill, but it was too late, for I am very shortsighted. No, Mr. Punch, I am prepared to dis- cuss the Ethics of Eels, the Altruism of Adders, the Piety of Pintails, or even the Benevolence of Bluebottles, but (to deviate into doggerel)— ; ‘¢ Lot Lanxesrers, Lussbocks and CHEATLES Dilate with a rapturous bliss On the noble behaviour of bectles— I give them a miss.”’ I am, Mr. Punch, with much respec! Yours faithfully, PHILANDER BLAMPHIN. THREE TRACEDIES AND A MORAL. | THERE was an imperious old Sage | Who upheld the dominion of Age, sut his son, a grim youth, | Red in claw and in tooth, | Shut him up in a chloroformed cage There was also a Child full of beans Who bombarded nine great magazines, 3ut not one of the nine Ever published a line, | For the Child was not yet in its teens. rhymes, A Matron who railed at the crimes Of designers of frocks Who in smart fashion “ blocks” Left middle-age out of Th? Times. The moral—if morals one seeks [n an age of sensation and shrieks— Is this: Even still Things are apt to go ill With old, young and middle-aged freaks. Our Erudite Contemporaries. “The Grecian women were forbidden « trance to the stadium where the [Olymy zames were being held, and any woinan f { therein was thrown from the Tarpeian 1 Canadian L’ajx “The French are thinking of building straw houses to remedy the present housing crisis.” The first straw house has already been built at Montargis.”—-Hvening Paper. Where, presumably, they are trying it on the well-known local Dog. “ Negotiating-the intricate traffic of the Cit is just the car for the owner-driver.” Financial Dapei Our chauffeur agrees. He wouldn’t undertake to drive it down the village street, let alone the City. ‘Ts SINGING ON THE DECLINE? A Great TEeNor's ADVICE. ‘Never FicHt AGAINST THE Brass.’” Morning Paper. [t is, we believe, the experience of most impresarios that great tenors almost invariably fight for the brass. There was thirdly, to round off these was quite easy, the engine being responsive to the slightest touch of the steering wheel. It says /le Sei NLL a LARS REG CE RIES 2 ' : ‘ RELL LLC LS LILI EATON SEL Ae BPI BAPE NETH Sar RTE LF TER PE ies

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BD oa a, PORE R INES ee RTS ati December 22, 1920.) aA, GRamm SewBisymas BAzZAA Re “i ————— RES TN ON ys pri " 4 “Quick, Mummies! Come OUR BOOKING-OFFICE., (By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.) So charged is it with liable-to-go-off controversy that I should hardly have been astonished to see Mr. H.G. WELLS'S | latest volume, Russia in the Shadows (HoppER AND STOUGH- TON), embellished with the red label of “ Explosives.” Prob- ably everyone knows by now the circumstances of its origin, and how Mr. We tts and his son are (for the mo- ment) the rearguard in that long procession of unprejudiced and undeceivable observers who have essayed to pluck the truth about Russia from the bottom of the Bolshevist pit. What Mr. Wexus found is much what was to be expected : | red ruin, want and misery unspeakable. ‘The difference between his report and those of most of his forerunners is that, being (as one is apt to forget) a highly-trained writer, he is able to present it with a technical skill that enor- mously helps the effect. Our author having been unable to deny the shadow, like everyone else save perhaps the pre- posterous Mr. Lanssury, the only outstanding question is Who casts it. The ordinary man would probably have little hesitation about his answer to that. Mr. Wexts has even less. He unhesitatingly names you and me and the French investors and several editors. Well, I have no Space for more than an indication of what you will find in this undeniably vigorous and vehement little volume. But I must not forget the photographs. Some of these, of de- vastated streets and the like, have rather lost their novelty. Unfortunately, however, for Mr. WeLLs as propagandist he has also included a number of the most revealing por- traits yet available of the men who are hag-riding a once great nation to the abyss. I can only say that for me those portraits put the finishing touch to Mr. WELLS’s argu- ment. They extinguish it. The pictorial wrapper of A Man of the Islands (HuTCHIN- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Kae Sa AND HELP Bot CHARIVARL SSS = SAS = = ~ = y é Ss ¥ Se = Ss 4 a Tr ~ ~ SS ~ SS {BIE—HE'S FALLEN INTO tHE Lucky Drp.” SON) is embellished with a drawing of a coffee-coloured lady of a respectable-looking gentleman in a beard. In printed synopsis that occupies the little tuck-in part of the same Wrapper you are promised “ an entrancing picture of breaking seas on lonely islands and tropical nights beneath the palms.” before. Lest however you should suppose the insularity of this attractive pen-artist to be in danger of becoming over- it, the rest being filled with bearing such titles as ‘“‘ The Queen’s Necklace,” stories of varied setting “The the head of “ Financial Measures.” fair to add that the half-dozen Sigurdson adyentures—he was the Man of the Islands, a bearded trader, murderer, pearl thief and what not—seem to me a group of as rattling good yarns as of their kind one need wish to meet, every far above pot-boiling status. I could wish (despite any- thing above having a contrary sound) that Mr. StacrooLe had given us a whole volume with that South Sea setting that so happily stimulates his fancy. Mr. S. P. B. Mats has not yet extricated himself from the groove into which he has fallen. It is not a wholesome groove, and even if it were I should not wish an author of his capacity to remain a perpetual tenant of it. Blind (Grant Ricwarps) we are given the promiscuous amours of a schoolmaster, a subject which has apparently a peculiar attraction for Mr. Mais. Jimmy Penruddocke, until he was offered a mastership at a public school. The school rather than Jimmy has my sympathies. There was one with some original and thrilling situation that lifts it | In Colour | who tells the story, left the Army and could not find a job | in a costume that it would be an under-statement to call | curtailed, also (inset, as the picture-papers say) the portrait | the | In other words Mr. H. bE VerE STACPOOLE as | done, I will say at once that the six tales from which the | book takes its name occupy not much more than a third of | 30x | of Bonbons,” and the like—all frankly to be grouped under | This said, it is only j | | | } | } } a NEDA TENANT YS POTPTE pean aes acy wi UN — pees ir Sep ee ett eet den ean A rine os neces RA AEP TTR ETI TE REIT sacepe a

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un SAR AUER apiDURIRTERRCERRUEPSTIRNSENIERENNS OES 500 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [DecemBER 22, 1920, nothing peculiarly alluring about this philanderer to account for the devastating magnetism which he exerted upon the female heart. To describe all this orgy of caresses could hardly have been worth anyone’s time and trouble; certainly it was not worth Mr. Mais’s. I say this with all the more assurance because, greatly as I dislike the main theme of this novel, there are many good things in it. There is, for example, Mark Champernowne (Jimmy's friend), a finely and consistently drawn character, and there are descriptive passages which are vividly beautiful and also some delightful gleams of humour. I think that when Mr. Mats’s sense of humour has developed further he will agree with me that a man who loved as promiscuously as Jimmy and then wrote over three hundred pages about it could, without much straining of the truth, be called a cad. For many reasons I could wish that England were China. It would be nice, for instance, to address the Home Srcre- TARY as “ Redoubtable Hunter of Criminals” and to call for-Chelsea. It is typical of Mr. Ontson’s care that, though one would in such a situation nine times out of ten be safe in backing Art for the double event, he makes so even a match of it between Hubert and Ralph that he leaves the | heroine ringing the door-bell of the one immediately after | kissing the other. You observe that I was perhaps reall) more interested in the contest than my opening words would suggest, but it was always in a detached story-book way ; except in the case of a mildly unsympathetic secretary, represented as having spent too much time in the contem- plation of other persons’ affluence, also as owning an expensive-looking stick that made him long to be as rich | as it caused him to appear. I hate to think that there can have been anything here to touch a chord in the reviewing breast, but the fact remains that Mr. Burnham stands out for me as the only genuinely human figure in the book. Blessed, no doubt, is the nation or the man without a history, but blessed too is the biographer who has something the Board of Exterior Affairs (if we had one) “ Wai - wo - poo.” should like my house also to be named “ The Palace of the Hundred Flowers.” Ithink there are about a hundred, though I have not counted them. But in China it is above all things necessary to be an ancestor, and this may lead to complica- tions if Mr. G. 8. DE Morant, who appears to be much more at home with the French and the Oriental idiom than the English, is to be trusted. In the Claws of the Dragon (AtLEN AND Unwin) describes the experi- ences of a young lady ” GooD. Artist (condescendingly). “I pip THIS LAST SUMMER, IT REALLY ISN’T MUCH Candid Friend. “No, tf CERTAINLY ISN’t, But wHO TOLD you?” definite to write about Mr. C. Carisue Tay- Fare _ . . LOR, in putting together American naval philoso have felt this keenly, for rarely can a man whose work was so im portant that he simply graphy have done so that help to fill up a book. The Admiral not only foresaw the great War before 1914; finite details of it—for Italy to Western civili- render of the German named Monique, who married the Secretary to the Chinese Embassy in Paris and was obliged, after visiting her re- lations-in-law, to reconcile herself to the introduction of a second wife into the family, in order that their notions of propriety might be respected and an heir born to the line. When she had consented she returned to Paris and wrote the following cablegram from her own mother’s house: “You have acted as a good son and a faithful husbarrd. Bring back with you the mother of our (sic) child.” And so, the author evidently feels, it all ended happily. His book is an interesting and amusing presentment of an older civilisation, but if it won't strain the Entente I am bound to say that I disagree with his conclusions. I fear it may sound an unkindly criticism, but my abiding trouble with Broken Colour (LANE) was an inability to get any of the characters, with perhaps one exception, to come alive or behave otherwise than as parts of a thoroughly nice-mannered and unsensational story. Perhaps it was my own fault. Mr. Haronp Outson (whose previous hook I liked) has obviously, perhaps a little too obviously, done his best for these people. It is a tale of two rivalries : that for the heroine, between the penniless artist-hero and a und-full other; and that in the breast of the p.a.h., tween the flesh-pots of commerce and the world-well-lost- fleet; yet in himself, though the writer draws an attractive picture of his his Lufe of Admiral | Mahan (Murray), the | pher and prophet, must | had to have a_ bio- | few things of the kind | he even suggested de- | instance, the loyalty of | sation and the final sur- home and religious life, he was only a kindly Christian | gentleman who lectured to a few naval students. This is not the stuff to turn into a thrilling life-story, yet his studies on Sea-Power in relation to national greatness | must certainly be reckoned among the prime causes of world- | war. They set the Germans trying to outbuild the British | fleet; more fortunately they were an inspiration to naval enthusiasts in this country also. Mr. Tayzor has a pleasant chapter describing the immediate recognition and welcome his hero received in England, while it has taken quite a number of chapters to do justice to all the written tributes to his genius that the energetic author has collected. Per- | sonally, if ever I had been in doubt about it, I should have been quite willing to take that genius for granted some time before the end, and could indeed recommend thevolume much | more happily if it were reduced by about half. It will be | valuable mainly as a necessary work of reference. Our Well-Informed Press. “At Kensington Palace the ground frost registered 9 deg. Fahr., which represents 23 degrees below zero.”—Evening Paper. “Writs Hits Back at Cuurcnint.”—Sunday Paper. Not the Bombardier, as you might think, but Bert WELLS. Se TH 2 Sats OP eS PEPE Tt REND ee wit Jui thi ant we he

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eae are). Seenberey a PR SPE Sot SH TNR ee December 29, 1920.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 501 | —_— —_— CHARIVARIA. No newspapers were published on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. We did not begrudge them their holiday, but we do think The Daily Mail might-have issued occasional bulletins respecting the weather at Thanet, as we consider three days is too long to keep their readers in suspense. The most popular indoor game this winter seems to be Battledore-and- Juttlecock. pene A woman informed a London magis- trate last Tuesday that her husband thrashed her at Easter, Whitsuntide famous dancer before, is not likely to be accepted. “2 ; * Like a soothing balm just before the old year dies comes the intimation from Mr. Lovar Fraser that there is a bright side to things. With reference to the opening of the pantomime season it is reported that a couple of new jokes have been found nesting In a Glasgow theatre. * * ‘ ex ! Psychologists are inclined to attribute the recent night stampede of sheep in the Midlands, when thousands of them jumped their hurdles, to the influence of a large number of people concentrat- persuade Sir Eric Geppes to disguise himself as an Eton boy during the holi- days to see how it feels. It is now admitted that the plum- pudding which was badly mauled by a | small boy in the Hoxton district on | Christmas Day began it by inviting his | assailant to “come on.” — ‘+ | D’Axnvnzio is reported to be coming | to a more reasonable frame of mind. | Apparently he is disposed to allow Italy a certain measure of independence. People step out into the road and never look to right or left, says a Lon- don coroner, This makes things far too | and on August Bank Holiday. Our thoughts were constantly with her during the recent Yuletide festivities. *. - Readers should not be alarmed if a curious rustling noise is heard next Saturday morning. It will be simply the sound of new leaves be- ing turned over. In view of the pos- sible increase of their salaries it is not the intention of Members of Parliament to solicit Christmas - boxes. Householders, _ there- fore, should be on their | guard against men pass- | ing themselves off as | M.P.s. | Ourattentionisdrawn to the fact that the lat- OUT OF DATE THAT WOMAN IS. OUR GOGGLERS. First Girl in grandmotherly spectacles (to second ditto), “ How FRIGHTFULLY FANCY—LORGNETTES | ” ~asy for motorists. Dr. A. Granam Bena, | recently told a Derby audience how he in- vented the telephone. | We note that he still refuses to say why. | Weare informed that, | on and after the Ist of | January, Mr. Caurca- | ILL cannot undertake | to refute the opinions of any writer who has A scientist has suc- ceeded in putting a pea old method of drowning it in a plate of soup should now be a thing of the past. General TownsHEND est photograph of Mr. Luoyp GrorGE shows him to be smoking a cigar with the band on. We can only say that CromweLt wouldn't haye done it. Our magistrates appear to be made of poor stuff these days. A man named SNAIL was last week summoned before the Feltham magistrates for exceeding the speed limit, yet no official joke was made. { Mr. Justice DarninG never gets a real chance like this ? * * A New York policeman has been arrested in the act of removing a safe from a large drapery store. It is said that upon being seen by another police- man he offered to run and fetch a burglar. * * Mme. Detysia has been bitten by a dog in New York. The owner's, de- fence, that the animal had never tasted Incidentally, why is it that} ing on a well-known remedy for sleep- | lessness. * oh | that rabies does not Our opinion is that It is stated exist in Ireland. ( it wouldn’t be noticed if it did. Very few English Christmas customs, we hear, are prevalent out in tussia. We have always felt that the custom of clients giving Christmas-boxes to their lexecutioners will never become very popular. It is rumoured that the repeated assassinations of General Vita have made it necessary for him to resign his position as Permanent Chief Insurgent to the State of Mexico. The Morning Post has remarked that nowadays the Eton boy is often reduced says that with seventy thousand men ihe could have conquered half Asia. But then he might have lost Mr. | Horsrio BorroMLey. * ‘ What we want now is something to make the world safe for those who made the world safe for democracy. There is now on the market a new patent contrivance which gives warn- ing when the contents of an oven are on the point of burning. We have secured a sample, but unfortunately our cook still relies on her sense of smell. k « Leather is now much cheaper,” we read. Yet we have noticed no drop in the price of restaurant steak. nitions will enter upon its second yeal It is hoped to to travelling third-class. of winding up. VOL. CLIX, Dp not been officially re- | cognised as a best seller. | to sleep with electro- | | magnetism. Theclumsy | On January Ist the Ministry of Mu- | 18 i ars sons PEG IIE NE atta” tink nettle ectetpierpeer ein

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j enccaeeamnsanecianasices PUNCH, OR THE LONDON - CHARIVARI icmestin 29, 1920. — nae THE HAPPY HOOTS. And here we are again :— What a jolly noise! Much better than | Yous, it ic nessly bereits now. In March 20th.—G. started accounts. bells, realty much moreaccurateas an ex. | ‘ten minutes we shall hear the bells—I} March 29th.—Knocked off smoking. gon ears atretngs. wegen peers | | mean the hooters. I wonder if there} That shows it was no mere flash-in- ‘And oa to bore T tact sche tian | were hooters when TeENNysoN wrote] the-pan, doesn’t it ? a dreadful year, really sate s “aaa | those popular lines about ringing in the And we went on like that. - Look at | New Year. Very likely he didn’t hear | this :— them if there were, as there’s nothing | to show that he ever really stayed up | late enough to see the New Year in. It’s a pity, because the hooters would | have fitted in to that poem most beauti- | fully. The hooting idea is just what is | wanted to give a dramatic contrast to | the sugary ringing business. “ Ring out the false, ring in the true” June 6th—Gave up smoking. June 7th.—Only one pipe since yes- terday. June 30th.—Cut myself down to four pipes a day. Sale 1st-9th.—G. keeping accounts ; knocked off smoking. But I wonder why I kept writing i down. Even in September, you see, | doesn’t convince somehow; it’s t00| wasn’t taking it for granted | impartial. One doesn’t say to the foot- September 29th. sg oy Not | man, “ Show the Rector up, please, and king thi sales eee ns | show this blackmailer out,” even at the | S™0%"8 _ 5 Siac vagal ee | Lyceum. One says, “ Kick this black- system of accounts. i 4 . . . hearted hound out,” and the footman| It looks like bragging, doesn’t it ? | realises then that you have something But I don’t think I can have meant it against the fellow. Just so one doesn't that way. Still, it is rather marvellous, gather from the above line that the when you come to think of it—here we coat has any strong preference as be-| re, alter all these months, twelve of | tween the false and the true, except|them, and we still stick doggedly to | that there is no good rhyme to “the the same unswerving resolution. No- false,” unless you can count “ waltz”; thing can alter it. That's what I call | but what about— tenacity of purpose. Hoot out the old, ring in the new; You don’t think I’m serious? But ~ ot | Hoot out the false, pag the true? Iam. I’m just as serious as I was | Magnificent! Ther e ‘’s some sting in|last year. This year I shall give up that; it “ gets over,” and it brings the smoking. Only I think you ought to | whole poem into har mony with modern | give up your hot-water bottle in sym- | practice. pathy. You won’t? No, I know you Come on, we’d better have another| won't. You’re a slave of the bottle, dance before the great moment. I]yousee. It doesn’t do you any harm? wonder if TENNYSON ever saw the New] Oh, yes it does. It makes your back- Year in at two guineas a head. I don’t bone flab by, and it makes you suscepti- | expect so. For that matter it’s the| ble to colds, and it gives you chilblains, | first time we ‘ve done it at an expensive} and, anyhow, it’s morally pernicious, | - public “ Revel” ourselves; but then | because it’s an indulgence If 1’d this is the first year we've been abso-| known you were a _ hot-water-bottle lutely bankrupt. Up till now we’ve|woman before we were married . been rather well off, and have cele- | However, we needn't go into that. But brated cheaply athome. Do you realise|if you won't give up your bottle I that this is our wedding-day? I be-|shan’t give up smoking after all. lieve you'd forgotten; women never} Look, they ’re “grt ng the windows. remember these things. Yes, it's six} We shall all catch cold. Can you hear And this 1s the} anything ? J ean hear those people years... Six years. first year we've been bankrupt. Alljeating. What a draught! Can you the same, as I say, it’s the first year| hear anything? I can hear the eaters Here comes Father we ‘ve come out and had a jolly good | quite plainly now. supper. Reckless? Yes, I’m afraid|Christmas. I believe he is going to we are. But we've caught it from the]! give us all gifts. Government ... However, to-morrow} Can you hear anything yet? I have we ‘ll start a new cheque-book, been given a diary. What have you Have you made your resolutions yet?| got? Another diary? Is yours for I have. Do you remember this time | 1921? So ismine. How dull! Christ- last year ‘ You said you'd keep ac-| mas will be on a Sunday next year, I counts, and I said I wouldn’t smoke 80 | See. So will our wedding day. I hope much. And all the year through our | you ‘ll remember it this time. And resolution has never wavered. I’ve got | | they have arranged for the Spring to evidence of that. Look at my diary.| begin on March 2ist. Think of it! Here we are :—~ | Spring—in less than three months! January Ist.—G. started keeping ac- There they go. counts. Gave up smoking. | Hoot out, wild hooters, to the wild sky! that last one, I mean. No money, no clothes—nothing but rates and dentists and small accounts respectfully sub- mitted for our esteemed favour. One long crisis. But we kept the flag flying. This year—— Hallo! somebody ’ s going to recite. | What do you think it will be? You" 1 | never guess. Yes, you're quite right. Ring out a slowly-dying cause And ancient forms of party strife. That sounds like a bit of Governmen propaganda. Disgraceful, I call it. If [I was a Wee Free- Ring in the nobler modes of life, With sweeter manners That’s a hit at somebody, too. ] shouldn’t wonder. Somebody must h written a topical verse for the occasion. hose people are still eating. I expect they are doing Hog-money, or whatev ae : Are you still as obstinate as ever about that hot-water bottle? Ve y well, then, I shall now have the first smoke of the New Year. Oh, no; we've to do Auld Lang Syne first. can smoke while I’m singing. | “Should auld acquaintance .. . Do you know any of the people here? No? Do you ever want to see any ol them again? No? Never mind, they’ all paid a lot of money to hold ou hands; let them have their money's | never worth “A right gude willie-wau ’ WwW aiter! One large willie-waue ple: ase, and a small pint stoup... D you realise that this is the only n iL iit in the year when you can get a willie- waucht at this hour? What a world! Six years. Do you see that nice couple over there? I bet they hav: been married as long as we have. re d I bet they ’re not so bankrupt. This is going to be a dreadful year. I can see that at once. But we'll keep the flag flying. Ah, here come the Thank you, waiter. Well, my dear—a cup of kindness with you. Here’s luck! A. P. H. willie-wauchts Natural History on the Football Field. “St. Columb’s Court and North-End m« The Farm, when St. Columb’s Court wer victors by three goats to one.”—Irish P “ Harry —— (19), described as a comedia was bound over in £5 for six months the rug, the property of Hilda - Provincial P It seems that Harry was not the only comedian in court. XN t f I ERO RAT EIE ESE OP A eae Se cwegy RNAS: SE ere ee

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SONORA eer nol see een PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Deceupen 29, 1

4

CEMBER 29, 1920,

| A BOXING NIGHTMARE.

Tut Goop Farry Groraixa, “I WAVE MY WAND—UTOPIA DOTH APPEAR... (extemporising) SOMETHING'S GONE WRONG. O DEAR! O DEAR!

a go creel cpr a icin am and

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nea) we ees Pt steer oer reat mee Renae he iy Nor rt See ET EE Ae nats sD ei ayy epee EIN AAI BP AER: IEE <P ovee, ta O Sa

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| time, then ?”’ I inquired. | ever since I was turned fifteen, an’ you ee nee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [DeceMBER 29, 1920, Se HOTT TNH] TU b\ ~ \ iy . ' yi } = ’ sar. eg = i Jr, — Mitte . iy ty 'Pe Tre; - I | it } | a —— | Tine , ‘ rer WT “Te a a ee enengains TNS iene Post-War Sportsman. “TH HOUNDS ME ET ON THE LAWN TO-MORROW, MY DEAR. WE MUST GIVE THEM A STIRRUP-CUP.” Wife. “I HOPE THE CHEF KNOWS HOW TO MAKE IT, the rest of it.” Cheeryble in his most ELIZABETH’S CHRISTMAS. “1 've always thort ‘ow I'd love to ‘ave a reel nice Christmas,” remarked Elizabeth “a jolly prope! kind o’ one, you know, ‘m.” ‘Don't you find Christmas a pleasant | * Well, you see, ’m, I bin in service know wot Christmas in service is. An | extry tip, I will say, but a lot of extry work to go along with it—and wot washin’ up! Some’ow it orl seems so different in books an’ on the pictures.” She sighed as she spoke and a look | that was almost human er pt into tl e| arid region of her countenance. A feeling of compunction swept over me. Was it possible that this poor simple girl concealed depths of conviviality in | her nature and a genial disposition which I, in common with all her former employers, had carelessly overlooked ? 1 will admit that this unexpected phase in Elizabeth's character touched and interested me “ Elizabeth,” I cried in a sudden glow | of enthusiasm * you shall have your jolly Christinas—1 will provide it. ‘You | shall have your turkey, plum-pudding, mince-pies, crackers, mistletoe and all beneficent mood could not have felt more expansive than I did just then. “You can invite your friends ; we shall not be at home, so you will have the place to yourself.” * Lor! she ejaculated. mean it, ’m?”’ “I do, Elizabeth Let me know the sort of Christimas you 've always longed for and 1'll see that you get it.” D'ye reerly » She drew up her lank form and her face shone. “ Well, ’m, I don’t know where you get ‘em, but for one thing | ’ve often thort as ‘ow I'd like to ‘ave a festlebord.” “What’s that?” I asked, puzzled. ‘Ts it in the Stores’ list ? ‘TI don’t know, 'm, but there ’s always a lot about it in the books. at Chnstmas-tide they always gathers | round a festlebord and re jolces | began to ‘e light. ‘festal | tra “ You mean W hen | the Squire’s son comes ‘ome repentant “There ’s my sister-in-lor ‘ud like come—'er that I ’aven’t been on s} in’ terms with for five years—but s shan’t.. An’ my friend isn’t comin’; | see to that. arter the things she s: about me to my young man’s cousi! sorcy baggage! As for my two aw they don’t set foot under the same r as ine arter the way——” “ Never mind about the people yor not inviting,” I broke in; “ we do: need a list of them. Who do you want to come?” “ Well, Mrs. Spurge, t char—a real nice lady, as you kno ‘m. Then I’d like to arsk I: lly, t sister of the cook wot lives in the ‘ there ’s at the corner with red ‘air; an’ there Mary Baxter. An’ isn’t it lucky 1 sailor-brothe will be ‘ome for the fi 12 In ten years ? Can 'e come ti mm? E.'s been round the world twic« | “In that case, Elizabeth, he certainly ; ought to be invited. He may even hay ireturned home repentant, so you will : : . lhe able to re joice at the fest L board aL , i 1,| proper style.” 1’) t | i Seca. fe 1% 34 9 ll see to tha | let you have a h, ’m, isn’t it luverly? I w me... si 1 . A ’ ) ' ‘1...:- Squire's son as well, but unfortunately | arf have a beano this Christmas. W the only ones I know are not repentant |a time we'll ’ave, wol a time!” 4 } ] el as yel \nd now tell me which of | * your fmends you would like to invite.” ! Fon my part I did not pass a vers riper ae CE TE nein SAP re 3 e Bs 3 » Pei a ae i S 5 3 i = § o

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EPCS Peet caer:

pam DEcE EMBER 29, 1920.] PUNCH,

blithesome Christmas. Henry’ s aunt, who invited us, is rich, but she is also | dull, and several times I found myself | rather envying Elizabeth. While Aunt Jane nodded in her chair, Henry and I “xeerag those boisterous revels of Elizabeth and her friends, their bound

less asorly their unrestrained gaiety. We imagined them too gathered round | the sailor-brother, listening with rapt | delight as he told them stories of the far-off had known Henry sighed then and said there were times when he envied lower classes their capacity for enjoy- | ment. When we returned home Elizabeth greeted us with beaming countenance. | }«] ‘ope you ‘ad a good time, “T know J ’ad.” “Then it thought wonder-lands he the so-called | * : she Salad >; | really was as nice as you it would be, Elizabeth ? | “Tt was first-rate, ’m. Least | orl went well until arter dinner, when} | we begins chippin’ each other and ends M\ sailor- chaflin’ Polly | arskin’ why sl she told ’im then

uA x Wily dS | in ‘avin’ a few words. | brother started it by |about ’er red ‘air an” | didn’t cut it orf, an’ | that if’e’d such an objection to red s | wondered ’e didn’t cut | | Arter that one thing led to another; we took sides an’———”’ “Oh, Elizabeth, you don’t | Say you quarrelled?” J interrupted sor- | | rowfully. } “Oh, no, it wasn't quarrellin’, ’m— |} just bargin’, you know. Any’ow it | ended in Polly an’ Mary an’ my brother | goin’ off early. I was chilly to Mrs. | | Spurge owin’ to ‘er ‘avin’ | di idn’t bel leve my sailor- brothe rd ever | been further than W: apping in a coal barge. I shouldn't ‘ave again that evenin’ if the brought us together again like.”’ ‘What book?” I asked, bewildered “One of yours that 1 got out of tl e| "ls own nose orf

‘ mean to said that she} spoke to er} } ’ ate book ‘adn’t friendly, | study, ’m. Oh, wot a book! Sorter} ghost story in a manner o’ speakin’. [| laughed an’ I cried over it, turn about. | So did Mrs. Spurge. You see we read | bits out to each other—kep it up till] | three o'clock in the mornin’, we did ; It was luverly !”’ _ “And what was the book called?” I | inquired, | (Ber “Tt’s called A Christmas Car'l, ba | by Mr. Dicxines. Why didn't . body tell me about it afore? It’s far better ’ n the pictures. ‘Just like | ‘eaven,’ Mrs. Spurge said.” “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, | Elizabeth. a “It! s the ‘appiest Christmas I ever ‘ad,’m. That there Mr. a one! ’E do know wot’s wot in festle- bords.”’ And “OR Inquirer who fell amor | THERE Was < an old man who said, Can I link the To-Be with the Now? Dick1nas is} But in spite of this Ni Sut tl You ve been reading Dean INGE you re _THE E HOW, WHY AND WHAT. the Tragedy of the Conscientious 1 Philistines.) ‘How ey said, ‘ ‘ Poor old thing! not high enough in the brow.” said, check he “Why | | Is my Ego the same as mj 1? LONDON CHARIV ARL aot

Ff »* L tient. “My MISSIS SENT ME FUR A BOTTLE O MEDICD } SH IT KEEPS HER AWAKE O n1s. I says, ‘ \ E NOBBI » LI \ I ) LIE AWAKE AN’ (¢ } So they put him to bed And placed ice on nis head | Till the cerebral storm had passed by. + them, What oy, } Now I’m told he is asking has psycho-analysis got ‘ And they answer, “ N.E. If you ‘re not an M.D., Or a novelist | Use minus a plot.’

800 German pianos arrived at n Saturday.” Daily Paper. “A cargo of the Tyne from Hamburg

Another key industry in danger. Piniella tata St ee able seni Yh PAA NEG ATE ES

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| summer and winter time. PUNCH, OR THE LO NDON CHARIVARI. UNFINISHED DRAWING FOR THE FIGURE OF THE LITTLE GIRL WAS SKETCHED ON THE ILLUSTRATE 18 NOT KNOWN, MAYBIRDS. I CAN see some justification for keep- ing peacocks, especially if you have shaven lawns and terraces and sun- dials, though sundials, I imagine, are rather a nuisance now-a-days, because of the trouble of having them reset for Peacocks at any rate are beautiful, and, if their voices are apt in England to become a little hoarse, that is only because they screech when the weather is going to be bad. The pheasant is also a useful and beautiful fowl. One may put down bread-crumbs to attract the pheasant to one’s garden when he is alive, or to one’s plate when he is dead. But I can see no justification what- ever for keeping maybirds, for they are neither useful nor beautiful. Per- haps you do not know what a maybird is. I have five maybirds. I have them because people here would keep saying to me, “ Look at the price of fresh eggs, and how much nicer it is to have your own.” It is a curious thing about the country that people are always giving one disinterested advice in the matter of domestic economy. In London it is different. In London people let you take a twopenny bus ticket to West- minster instead of walking across the Park, and go toruin in your own sweet way. They rather admire your dash. ““PUNCH” MORNING OF HIS DEATH, these things. So I went to a man and confessed to him my trouble about fresh eggs. “I see,” he said; birds.” ‘““No, I don’t,” I said; * I want hens.” “Tt’s the same thing,” he told me. “ How many would you like? ” = Five, * 1 said. I thought five would be an unostentatious number and make it clear that I was net trying to com- pete with the wholesale egg-dealers. He segregated five maybirds and ex- plained their points to me. It appeared that one of them was a Buff Orpington and three were white Wyandottes and one had no particular politics. I should say now that it was an Independent. It has speckles and is ‘you Want may- the one that keeps getting into the | garden. lL asked him when the would begin to enter upon their new duties, and he said they would do so at once, ‘“ What is their maximum ¢ velocity?” 1 inquired. «They ‘ll lay about three eggs a day between them,” he ; birds.” ” Why between them ?”’ But I consented to buy his birds, and he said if I liked he would run round to my garden at once and run up a hen- creatures ' a4 oo-layin sald, “these fy | enquired. BY THE LATE F. / H. TOWNSEND. LEGEND WHICH Tar THIS PICTURE WAS TO house and a hen-run for me. seemed rather a word with him, I said, “ Yes, by all means.” He came round that evening and hewed down an apple-tree under the light of the moon to make room fi “Run he brought a large roll of wire-netting and the next day he built a wooden house, and the day after that he brought his five maybirds, and the day alte: that he came round and asked for some cinders. He sprinkled these all over the enclosure, and I watched him whil he worked. ‘“ What is that for?” 1 asked. They want something to serateh in when they run about,” he explained ‘ Exercise is what they need.” = They seem to be scratching already | but they don’t seem to be running,” | “ Wouldn’t it have been bette | to put a cmder-track all round the jedge and train them to run races round it?” He said that he hadn’t thought of that, but I could try it if I liked. Ther he gave me a bag of food, which he said was particularly efficacious f 'maybirds, and produced his bill. All this happened about a month ago, and for the last four weeks the prin- cipal preoccupation of my household has been the feeding of these five birds. | . j said, o 1 have had to lay a gravel-path from ie 7 | [DecemBer 29, 1920, | the maybird-run, and in the morning . x + x

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Pe ee PGT OEE, a * Se ee ee DecemBer 29, 1920.] Nurse. “ LIrrLe GENTI Huge bowls of hot food are constantly being mixed and carried to them, with- J | | | } | | | out any apparent consciousness on their part of their reciprocal responsibilities. What I mean to say is that there are} no eggs. The food which they eat re- sembles Christmas-pudding at the time when it is stirred, and I have suggested that a sixpence should be concealed in it every now and then—sixpence being apparently the current price of an egg —in order to indicate the nature our hopes. [ have made other valuable sug- | gestions. I have suggested putting an anthracite stove in their sitting-room, and papering the walls with illustrations representing various methods of mass production, ordinary methods having failed. I notice that cabbages are sus- pended by a string across the top of the parade-ground in order that the birds aw . . . . / may obtain exercise by springing at | them. The cabbages are eaten, but I do not believe that the birds jump. I believe that they clamber up the wire With their claws, walk along the tight- PUNCH, 0 .EMEN, Master ERIC, LEAVE THE LAST to sustain the weight of the traffic. | of | : R THE LONDON CHARIVARL MINCE-PIE TO THEIR SISTERS.” sary nourishment of maybirds, and is | teeth. |kept in an outhouse, was attacked by Sometimes, as I think I have men-|rats. I was told that I must do some- ltioned, the one with speckles escapes |thing about this. I buttered some linto the garden, and I have several | slices of bread with arsenic and laid \times been asked to chase it home. | them down on the outhouse floor. The Nothing makes one look more ridiculous | rats ate the bread and arsenic and went | than chasing an independent maybird of |on with the corn. Unless a great im- | no particular views across an onion bed. prevement is manifested in the New The rest of the animals appear to spend | Year I have decided to butter the may- 1 . | most of their time in walking about the! birds with arsenic and place them 1n | lrun with their hands in their pockets | the outhouse too. Vor, looking for things on the ground. | But every now and then one or other of them makes the loud ery which 1s usually associated with successful egg- produet ion; thew hole household troops Cyclone in the Channel Islands. ** Merl Harbour Office, Jersey OROLOGICAL NOTES Wind - E.W.E. Bree Paper ibeaming with anticipation along the sravel-path; and it is then discovered “To get away, the man 1 t have jumped 14} > i 1. : , y g away, U ; j ] that the Butl has knocked one ol the | from a height of about ten feet to the gr und | Whites off her perch, or that one ol | then across a garden, and over a wall about ithe Whites has seratched a cinder on | eight feet high into a lanewa) lrish Paper. | | which the Buff had set her eye, or that | Some “lep,” as they say in Ireland. ithe Independent member has made a | bitter speech which is deeply resented| “In the House of Lords on Saturday - ‘oal here ar iring ds Continuance Bill | was) rea |by the alition. But there are no | expiring Lord ti \ | by the Coalitic a third time and passed. Provincial Paper. | eggs. : About a week ago the corn which Trust the Peers for looking afte them- d a \ K ag ; | apparently forms a part ol the neces- | selves. ! . j | we mes RIE pa oenun eave tev nerve Tune Lat

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C Hi ARIVAR I. (Dac CEMBER 29, 1920, Child (saying prayers). “No, Governess. LETTERS | NEVER aatie 17 | made some good resolutions ; suggest is that an ounce of careful list- CONCERNING GOOD RESOLU To THE GIRL AT THE THE it comes TIONS. E.XCHANGE. New Year is upon us and with the determination to mend our bad habits and make serious efforts to turn over a new leaf. Perhaps you have already thought of this and have perhaps, on the other hand, you cannot think of anything amiss that needs correcting. In this case will you let me help you? In every other respect you may be per- fection, but as an ee operator, which is the only capacity in which (alas !) I know you, you are often lack- ing. I have no doubt that you are charming in private life and that we should get on famously if we met at dinner; but you have an irritating way of giving me the wrong number, which I do most cordially hope you will lose during 1921. When I protest, you merely say you are sorry, but what I ening at first is worth tons of sorrow later. Kingston doesn’t really sound a bit like Brixton, and yet yesterday, when I asked for a Kingston number, you put me at once on to the s number in the other suburb. Con- stantly when I say I want 2365 you Same give me 2356. To give you your due “GIVE US THIS BUTTER.” DAY OUR DAILY DEAR—NOT Child are ‘ahs. you but .. Another thing. Sometimes, when you ring me up and | answer, all you do is to ask, ‘‘ Number, please,” as though I had rung you. (It is then that I feel most that I should like to wring you.) When I reply, “ But you rang me,” you revert to your prevailing regretful melancholy and say, ‘Sorry you were troubled,” and before I can go de »ply into the question and discover these things occur you ring off. I will APGEN SOITy ; how Can’t you make an effort during 1921 not to do this ? : f gladness. Sometimes [ am perfectly pom you don’t ring up the number I want until after you have asked me once or twice if they have answered. Isn't that so? “I'll ring them again,” you say with a kind of resigned adventurousness; but, knowing as I do that they have been waiting for my call, I am not taken in. But what I want to know is—what were you doing instead of ringing up at first? I suppose that these secrets will never be penetrated by the ordin- ary subscriber outside the sacred pre- cincts; but I wish you would give me fewer of such problems to ponder dur- ing the year that is coming. P.S.—Have you ever considered, with proper alarm, what would happen to a cinema story if a wrong number were Let it be a year « wet SSE vara we BREAD-AND-BUTTER.” ‘* MARGE, THEN.” Sse by the operi ator, or if delay whatever occurred ? make you think. woy To a Racine that good JOURNALIST. I suggest among your New Year the decision not to allow your readers to participate in you special information as to which hors will come in first. Tell them all you like about yesterday's sport, but dangl no more “security tips’’ before t diminishing purses. If they must bet —which of course they must, as betting is now the principal national industry —let them at least have the fun of selecting the “ also-ran” themselves. To Many an Eptror. In contemplating your 1921 pro- gramme of regeneration could you not make a vow to dispense with all head- lines that ask questions? Probably you never see the paper yourself and there- fore have no feeling in the matter, but I can assure you that the habit can be- come very wearisome. ‘ Will it freeze to-day?” “Can Beckett win?” “ Will Hobbs reach his 3,000 runs?” “Are the Lords gding to pass the Bill? Won't you make an effort to do with- out this formula? It is futile in itself should resolutions you and has the unfortunate effect of raising This should ROSS EEO, ea) ee

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a ae PUNCH, 0 R ‘ T HE LONDON CHARIVARL 509 | } ' } } } | i | | : Neighbour (bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast), ‘‘You'RE WANTED AT 'OME, CHARLIE, YER WIFE'S JUST PRESENTED YER WITH ANOTHER REBATE OFF YER INCOME-TAX.”’ what surely are undesirable doubts as to whether journalists are any more sensible than their readers. lo Oxe Eprror ix ParticuLar No comie hats in 192], please. To tHe P.M.G. Phere is, as everyone (except possibly Who pr lesses to hate letters So much aS p that he wishes that they cost a shilling a-piece to send) will agree, one good La resolution which above all others you! should concentrate upon for 1921, and that j With so many comparatively unneces- i things still untaxed, it never should lave been sacriticed. To a Pork BurcueEr. ‘ ; , mong the problems of this latte: day of diseontents few are more press- In g than speculating as to why sausages and pork - pies have so degenerated. nder the malign influence of Peace, have sausages tasteless and pork-pies nothing but pies with pork m them; the crust chietly plaster-of- Paris, and the meat not an essential become | pri , J | z Mr. Austen CHAMBERLAIN and the cynic Raabe i} some at least | serve during 1921 Is to get back our penny postage. | | | | | 1 1 before 1921 becomes 1922—twelve whe ment stand that after a great war a certain } terioration must set in, but I fail to see why sausages and pork-pies, if made ; 1} au ail, | 1» jade | j ever, € pecially as you get such a long ‘e for them. Couldn’t you- trv in 1921 to make them with "| wouldn't of the old care? To a CABINET MINISTER. Might not the papers be rather a nice one ? It is quite a vow against writing for to ob- on the one’s duties to the State ecards that l (not too inadequately paid for) ought ] +] elide to be sufliciently exacting to preciude | all. + rage TE of dignity too, although drag that in. alism at There 's a question to hesitate To rHE PoLIcEe Couldn’t you I an } ! rht gentleman) arrange thi rHE C address- months—a simple device is made for taxis by which a square of red glass ie ; : can be slipped over one of the lamps at night to indicate that the cab is free? should not be made as well as} | you had any interest in you | | | | | | ' t of half-cooked cubes. I can under- | enormously increased. To a Taxi-Driver. You will perhaps note what I have Police. If work you just said to the Chief of t would, of course, long since have fixed up something of the kind for yourself But let that pass. All | am si ggesting to you as a 1921 amendment 1s that you should bank in a more acé part of your clothing Waiting fe change in this weather (especially wit! the flag still down) can be an perating experience. \ CXAS- la resolution during the coming year to keep your money nearer the rlaee ——————— B.YV.! How to deal with Windbags. “The address was punctured throughout with cheers.”—-West Indian Pa “There would be a grand dinner and 1 and splendidly-dressed ladi look at, and things to eat that strang twisted the girls th paws when they tried to tell about Weekly Paper. the deaf-and them Mem.—Never try to talk | element, soft and seductive and fused! I’m sure it wouldn't really be difficult, |dumb language after dinner : ' } oF H ' } ; 4 i i | i : 4 d | » 4 on aN (Ni ee pa ete re eee eee

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510 PUNCH, OR TI THE BARKER THAT MISSED FIRE. On hearing a shuffle of feet in the porch and the clearing of little throats, I exclaimed, “ Those carols again!” If between “those” and “carols” I in- | serted another word, I withdraw it. I went into the hall and barked like a dog. I have often said that, if anyone | could earn.a hundred pounds a week | on the stage by barking like a dog, I could. Children like to come to my house to tea merely for the thrill of listening to my imitation. I used to flatter myself that I could bark like a | dog even better than NeLson Keys can imitate GERALD pu Maurier. I hardly gave the carol-singers time even to mention Royal David's city before I barked. Instantly one pair of little feet scuttled away towards the gate; then a voice called, “ Don’t be silly, Alfy ; come on back.” Two small girls stood at the front- door as I opened it. One of them smiled up.at me and said, “ He thinks he’s going to be bit.” She appeared to be amused by the idea. Down by the gate was a small muffled figure | carrying a Chinese lantern. ‘Come on | back, Alfy,” she called again, “and let's sing to the gentleman. You see,” she explained to me in confidence, “ he's got addleoids and can’t sing loud, so we let him hold the lantern.” I was beginning to feel sorry that I had played a trick on such inoffensive children and was about to assure them that my savage bull-terrier was safely locked up in the kitchen when the brave little lass began chattering again. “ My dad keeps dogs—all sorts,” she told me, ‘‘and sells them to gentlemen. So I’m used to dogs.” Then she turned once more to the lantern-bearer and commanded, “* Now come on and sing, Alfy. It ain't a dog at all; it’s oniy the gentleman trying to make a noise like one.” **Rod Iron Red Mail Bird, year old; good breed; 16s.’’—Provincial Paper. We fancy it must be an armour-clad rooster of this species that, crossed with a Plymouth Rock, was respon- sible for the reinforced-concrete chicken that we met at dinner the other night. “When once the exchanges of the world have righted theimselves—and that is bound to come about later—then will follow such a in the trade of the country that will exceed. the expectations of the most sanguinary optimist.” sooner or reaction Trade Paper We think this must be intended as a hit at Trorsky. 29, 1920. ‘ERE COME SOME MORE 0’ THEM PRE-WAR BLIGHTERS NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. THe Oyster. THE oyster takes no exercise ; I don’t believe she really tries ; And since she has no legs I don’t see why she should, do you ? Besides, she has & lot to do She lays a million eggs. . At any rate she doesn’t stir; Her food is always brought to he But sometimes through her open |i) A horrid little creature slips Which simply will not go; And that annoys the poor old girl ; It means she has to make a pear! It irritates, you know ; So, crooning some small requiem She turns the thing into a gem. And when I meet the wives of Earls With lovely necklaces of pearls It makes me see quite red ; For every jewel on the chain Some patient oyster had a pain And had to stay in bed. F To think what millions men can make Out of an oyster’s tummy-ache! 4.2. B. John’s Wood, Tues * At - Hall, St. auction, stock of a Furrier.—Cats. free.” Advt. in Daily Pape A case of adding insult to injury. :

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One net emroRe eae Rp retncmeet: IVARL—Decemner 29, 1920 ) 7 hI] 4 nae — — ~e = ~ ~ —~ need — ys 4 — 7 _ i LONDON CHAE e*%. a ne eee A . «~~ \ « 3 > j 4 / Zi f f Z } / A / : y Yo MAY FP LIABILITIES MY JUEATH e Rk AND SON. be ‘no — ~ as — —_— —_ ~ —_ a oa = ~ —_— Me — oh ew es Z. — SENILE Optimist. THEM!” WORTHY OF JUVENILE BE Pt TURN SOMETHING'S SURE TO SIR. RIGHT, ALL “THAT'S Dirto.

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PU ae, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [DecemBER 29, 1920. Mr THE New YEAR TRADE I'LL sEE IF I CAN Mr. Bonar Law (Manager). “OR SOME Mr. Bonar Law, Mr. Liuoyp Greorar, Mr. Suortrr, Mr. CHAMBERLALN Monday, December 20th.—As the re- sult of being tossed backwards and forwards between the two Houses the Government of Ireland Bill had already lost most of its awkward corners. The last two were rounded off to-day, when | the Government secured that Southern [reland should have three years, instead of two, in which to make up her mind whether to accept or refuse the prof- fered Parliament, and that in the mean- time only a joint resolution of both Houses should prevent the Act from coming into operation. Lord Mipie- Ton pressed hard for a retention of the Lords’ veto, but was thrown overboard by Lord Crewe, who was greatly im- pressed by the Lory CHANcELLOR’s reminder that within three years there must be a General Election. In the Commons Sir Ropert Horne performed his customary Monday dance among the fiscal egg-shells. He de- clined to give an estimate as to the number of British workmen unem- ployed owing to the importation of German goods—“ no man who breathes could do it'’—and judiciously evaded acceptance of Sir Freprrick -HaLu’s a "T GIVE YOU A GOOD LONG HOLIDAY IN AT THE Luioyp Grorae (Chairman). “ You’vE WORKED SPLENDIDLY UP TO CHRISTMAS, AND IF YOU MILLENNIUM STORES. THE OTHER TIME.” Mr. NEAL, Mr. CHURCHILL, suggestion that one reason why Teuton manufacturers were snapping up Do- minion contracts was that their em- ployés worked eleven hours a day. The close of one of the longest and weariest sessions on record finds the Government in a penitent mood. How |long willit last? The Prime Mrxister | told one of his supporters that he hoped |next year’s programme would be less exacting, and immediately promised another measure dealing with dumping and exchange; and when Sir F. Ban- BuRY helpfully suggested that the surest way toavoid an Autumn Session would be to introduce fewer Bills Mr. Bonar Law turned on him with the retort that “‘a surer way would be to introduce none.” An amusing duel between well - matched opponents took place over liquor control. Mr. MacguisTen, whose voice, at once insinuating and penetra- tive, has been likened to a corkscrew, urged that the bond-fide frequenters of public-houses should be consulted in the settlement of the drinkregulations. The present arrangement, in his view, was like entrusting the regulation of the "LL PUT YOUR BACKS INTO IT FOR AUTUMN,” Sin Eric Greppes, Sir Roperr Horne, Churches to avowed atheists. Lady Astor made full use of her shrill trebk in retorting that it was the “ victims wives of Mr. MacquisTEN’s protégés who ought to have the last word. | herself had it in the series of incredulous | Oh’s!”—uttered crescendo on a rising |scale and accompanied by appropriate gesture—with which she received Mi MAcQvuIsTEn’s confident assertion that the working-men’s clubs are the enemies of “the Trade.” Supplementary Estimates produced a good deal of miscellaneous informa- tion. On the Vote for Road Transport of tar-spraying and told a melancholy story of a cow that skidded with fata! results. He was backed up by Sir F Banbury, who said that he had found the ideal pavement in soft wood and awakened memories of an ancient jest by suggesting that something might be done if he and the MINISTER 01 TRANSPORT were to put their heads together. Tuesday, December 21st.—Sir WILLIAM Davison thundered against the Honx -by which apparently she meant the She | Colonel Mitpmay attacked the system | VTE OG TA EAN EEN MRE TD ene MOIR BERRY AY 7945 ¥

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PRY Tren SPER heen Sia se er me fl NESE RAL yes i ile ne SRR i D4 | been blown off the Treasury Bench, Mr. | Ment was erected to a man who turned a blind eye to orders?” quent about ‘squander-mania,” but he —_—— E LONDON CHARIVARL . NCH, OR TH — hae Mt bey ag y My ral he Ag f 4 Ui Old Sea-dog (to nervous passenger). * Rout > Sue cay Rout! D’ ye SEE THEM MARKS ON THE WALL? THAT'S OUR FEET. sage ee ere See to a | be “re pg: joer varie his expenditure, by the delivery of neil “ae Te tele big aes yest hes ah Sir Tne vlc pa i‘ = us ” ( on re over y oy chiels it would be AIRD explained that it was} bad for the Service. impossible to know beforehand what sort | The Lords’ amendments to the Com- of speech was going to be delivered. But | mons’ amendments tothe Lords’ amend- ace fe haar igaaabie this paltry ments to the Government of Lreland agg ot the regulations pro- | Bill were agreed to. Sir L. WorTHING- vide, he boomed, ‘that the objects of | TON-EvANs thought to improve the oc- the meetings must be specified?” For- | casion by a neat little speech expressing tunately forthe Minister, who had nearly | goodwill to Ireland, and, much to his surprise, found himself in collision with the SPEAKER, who observed that this was not the time for First Reading speeches. It was rather hard on Lord PEEL, as the grandson of the great Sir Roper, to have to sponsor the Dyestutfs Bill. He frankly described it as “a disagree- able pill.” Lord Emmott andother Peers showed a strong disinclination to take heir medicine, but Lord MouLTon said that the chemists—naturally enough— were all in favour of it, and persuaded the House to swallow the bolus. In the course of an eleventh-hour effort to destroy the Agriculture Bill Lord LincoLNsHiRrE described the PRIME Minister's Christmas motto as Tax Vobiscum; and the success of his jape served as a partial solace for the defeat of his motion. Hoacr came to the rescue. “ Is it not a fact,” he inquired, “that the monu- The strange case of Lord Roruer- MERE and the Committee on Public Accounts was further investigated. The Committee had reported that a certain Stationery contract for the Air Ministry had been extravagant and improper. The Arr Minister at the time was the noble Lord who has lately been so elo- has since, in a letter to the Press, de- clared that he never signed or initialled the order. Lieut.-Colonel ARCHER-SHEE and Mr. Ormspy-Gore sought the Opinion of the Treasury on the trans- action, and Mr. BALDWIN replied that it was certainly usual for a Minister to A WARNING FROM THE SKY. [The latest form of ma + is a trinket model of the sign of the zodia nder which one was born. ‘Twas Caution bade me: “Think a while ; Calm thought may } You've only seen her g ila style And very best behaviour: What though her form ’s planned And rightly you adore it Her character ’s an unkné land, You'd better first explore it.” ve your saviour; wn Wil But such exploring baffled me— She had, to my vexation, No younger brother I could fee For stable information Until at last I noted (worn Mid baubles weird and various) A mascot which announced her born 3eneath the sign Aquarius. An ancient tome declared how this Implied that, though a beauty, The girl was careless, slack, remiss And negligent of duty; I stilled in time my cardiac stir And ceased my adoration, Thanking my lucky stars and her Explicit constellation. — ie AGNI IO WORE. NENT nema trite

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514 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DeceMBER 29, 1920, AT THE PLAY. “Perer Pan.” Peter Pan, the play, must by now have long overtaken the age of Peter Pan, the boy; but, like him, it never grows any older. The cast may change, but that seems to make hardly any difference. The new Peter (Miss Epna Best) is as good as any of them. Graceful of shape and lithe of limb, he is still essentially a boy, the realised figure of Barrik’s fancy; a little aloof and inscrutable; romantic, too, in his very detachment from the sentiment of romance that he provokes. Miss Frepa Goprrey, the new Wendy, would have seemed good if we had not known better ones. To be frank, she looked rather too mature for the part; she needed a more childlike air to give piquancy to her assumption of maternal responsibi- lities. It was pleasant to see Mr. Henry Arntey unbend to the task, simple for him, of playing Captain Hook and Mr. Darling. One admired his self-control in refusing to impose new subtleties upon established and sacred tradition. Of familiar friends, age has not with- ered the compelling charms of Mr. SHEL- ron’s Smee, nor, in the person of Mr. CLEAVE, has custom staled the infinite futility of Slightly. I was glad, too, to find Miss Sypm CaruistE back in the | part of Mrs. Darling, which she played most appealingly. The lagoon scene was cut out this year; perhaps it was thought that there is enough lagoon in London just now. I could more willingly have spared the business of Mr. Darling and the kennel, the one blot in the play. My impres- sion of this grotesquerie has not changed since I first saw Peter Pan. Among new impressions was a feel- ing that the domestic details of the} First Act are a little too leisurely, so| that I appreciated the impatience of my little neighbour for the arrival of Peter Pan, whose acquaintance she had | still to make. Also from the presence | of children in my party I became con- | scious how much of the humour of the | play—its burlesque, for example, of the stage villain—is only seizable by children who have grown up. Barrie | wrote it, of course, to please the eternal | child in himself, but forgot now and} then what an unusual child it was. O. §. On Wednesday, January 5th, 1921, | at 3.30 and 8 p.m., in the Hall of the Inner Temple, the “ Time and Talents” Guild will give a series of “ Action Tab- | leaux,” dramatised by Miss Witson-Fox, | in illustration of the history of South- wark and Old Bermondsey from Saxon times to the present day. There will be singing, in character, by the Stock Exchange Choir. The profits will go in aid of the Settlement in Bermondsey, which has been carried on for twenty- one years among ‘the factory girls by members of “Time and Talents,” and to-day includes a Hostel, Clubs, a Coun- try Holiday Fund and a cottage in the country. Applications for tickets may be made to Miss Wixson-Fox, 17, De Vere Gardens, Kensington, W. 8. THE GREAT RESOLVE. ‘*When Chu Chin Chow reaches its 2,000th representation on the 29th, it will have run for 1,582 days, 26 days longer than the War.” Sunday Tumes.) BEHIND its pendent curtain folds We know not what the future holds ; We only know that worlds have gone Since Chu Chin Chow was first put on. Mid all our stress and strife and change This strikes me as extremely strange ; [ think when plays go on like this There ought to be an artistice. But, when we have another war After the peace we ’ve toiled so for, And empires break and thrones are bust And nations tumble in the dust, And culture, rising from the East, On tottering Europe is released, And Chinamen at last shall rule In Dublin, Warsaw and Stamboul, | Soon as the roar of cannon ends And all men once again are friends, I must fulfil my ancient vow And go and visit Chu Chin Chow. ST. CECILIA OF CREMONA. Punch has no desire to plunge into the controversy which has arisen over the employment of women in profes- sional orchestras, especially as the cause has already been practically won, and here, at any rate, the saying, “ What Lancashire thinks to-day England will think to-morrow,” has fiiled to justify itself. The example of Manchester is not being followed in London, and what is deemed advisable for the Free Trade Hall in one city is not to dominate the policy of the Queen’s Hall in the other. But without going into the argu- able points of this latest duel of the sexes, Mr. Punch, already in the last | year which completes his fourth score, may be allowed to indulge in an old man’s privilege of retrospect and inci- dentally to congratulate the ladies on the wonderful and triumphant progress they have made in instrumental art since the roaring ‘forties. For in the ‘forties women, though still supreme on the lyric stage, had hardly begun to assert themselves as executants, save on the pianoforte. Punch well remembers Liszt—with the spelling of whose name he had considerable difficulty—in his meteoric pianoforti- tude. But the young Witma Nervpa, who visited London in 1849, escaped his benevolent notice. She was then only ten. It was not until twenty years later that, as Madame Normay- NeErRuDA, she revisited London, proved that consummate skill could be com- bined with admirable grace in a woman- violinist, took her place as a leader of the quartet at the Monday “ Pops,” upset the tyranny of the pianoforte and harp | as the only instruments suitable for the young person, and virtually created the professional woman-violinist. Indeed, she may be said to have at once made | the fiddle fashionable and profitable for | girls. | On its invasion of Mayfair the pencil of Du Maurier furnishes the best comment. Before 1869, woman- violinists were only single spies; now they are to be reckoned in battalions. And they no longer “ play the easiest passages with the greatest difficulty,” as was once said of an incompetent male pianist, but in all departments of technique and interpretation have fully earned Sir Henry Woop’s tribute to their skill, sincerity and delicacy. When the eminent conductor goes on, in his catalogue of their excellences, to say, “They do not drink, and they do not smoke as much as men,” he reminds Mr. Punch of two historic sayings of a famous foreign conductor. The first was uttered at a rehearsal of the Venusberg music from J'ann- héuser: “ Gentlemen, you play it as if you were teetotalers—which you are not.” The other was his lament over a fine but uncertain wind-instrument player: “ With —— it is always Quench, Quench, Quench.” ; Mr. Punch is old-fashioned enough to hope that, whether teetotalers or not, the ladies will leave trombones and tubas severely alone, and confine thei: instrumental energies mainly to the nice conduct of the leading strings- the aristocrats of the orchestra, the | sovereigns of the chamber concert. From a butcher's advertisement :— “SpecriaL Pre-War Pork, SAUSAGES.”- While all in favour of old-fashioned Christmas fare, here we draw the line. AND BEEF, Local Paper. “7 Enough butter to cover 265,000,000 slice of bread was produced in Manitoba this year. Of 8,250,000,000 pounds produced, 4,100,000 has been exported.’’—Canadian Paper. Thirty-one pounds of butter to the slice is certainly the most tempting induce- ment to Canadian immigration we have yet noticed. ' i 5 i : ue

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December 29, patent i \ ay ; ; | THE | een jos saith i ee a cnareesnieasseseteinentiinenatee __PUNCH, or rn) LONDON CHARIVARL 515 | NSPIRED MUSICIAN AND THE CHRISTMAS HAM.

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THE PUNCH, OR LON DON. [December 29, 1920, -CHARIVAR I. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, (By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Cleri:s.) I can’t help thinking that Mr. H. G. Hrpperr has not chosen altogether the nght name for his second volume of | theatrical and Bohemian gossip, A Playgoer’s Memories (Grant Ricuarps). It is not so unsophisticated as the title had somehow led me to expect. Indeed “ unsophisti- | ( cated” is perhaps the last epithet that could justly be applied to Mr. Hissert’s memories. I fancy I had unconsciously | been looking for something more in the style of my own | ignorant playgoing. ‘“ How wonderful she was in that I rather wonder, however, that Messrs. HEINEMANN did not suggest to her that these heterogeneous pages would furnish excellent material for the experiment. I have discovered that Miss Peccy Wesuina has quit a remarkable talent for making ordinary places and pe me seem improbable. She achieves this in Comedy Corne (Hurcuinson) by sketching in her scenery quite compete ntly and then allowing her charac ters to live lives, amongst it, so fraught with coincidence, so swayed by the most unlikel sly impulses, that a small draper’s shop, a West End “ Hattery”’ and an almshouse for old actresses become the most extra- was, I think, its almost entire absence and the exceedingly unhappy nature of its (HEINEMANN) of highway, spec d of a half-mile relay race. lam not going to reveal ! | scene with the broker’s man,” or“ Do you remember the! ordinary places on earth, where anything might happen | opening of the Third Act Not thus Mr. Hissperr. For} and nobody would be surprised. Winnie, her heroine, be- | | him the play itself is far less the thing than a peg upon| haves more improbably than anyone else, but she is such a | | which to hang all sorts of tags and bobtails of recollection, | dear little goose that most amiable readers will be quite | financial, technical and just not scandalous because of the} glad that she doesn’t have to suffer as much as such geese | | discretion of the telling. His book is a repository of would if they existed in real life. You ean see from this | | theatrical information, but the great part of it of more) that it is one of those books that are full of real niceness | | absorbing concern for the manager’s-room or the Bae! br goodwill, and it has besides plenty of plot and lots of | door than, say, the dress | interesting characters, an d | circle. But I must not be | yet somehow it gives y | wanting in gratitude for | the feeling of being out o | the entertainment which, focus. You read on, eXx- | for all this carping, I cer- pecting every moment t tainly derived from it. As | clever Miss WEBLING will an expert on stage finance, }give things a little push for example, to-day and jin the right direction and forty years back, Mr. |}make them seem tru Hissert has revelations jand, while you are r that may well cause the |ing and hoping, you ¢ least concerned to marvel. | to the happy ending. And there is an appendix, which gives a list of Drury Should you enter The Lane aaa te mga with | Gates of Tien (Hop- | casts, for half a century, | DER AND STOUGHTON) you including, of course, the | will not regret it, but | incomparable first one; possible that you may b but that is not a memory -as l was—a little breat of this world. A book to less before the end of this | be kept for odd references | (uy pa piu NEGLIGENCE ON THE PART OF AN EDITOR oF AN | Yehement story is reached | in Swo senses. ILLUSTRATED PAPER. IMPENDING LIBEL ACTIONS, he average tale of crin 5 CAPTAIN Eric BLIGHTMAN, WHOSE Basen Suir, ex-uEavyweicur | 28ls and detectives Is not } What most interfered | excagement Tro Lapy Sarau Hut CHAMFION OF STEPNEY, WHO Is To | apt to move slowly, but | with my peace of mind | #48 JUST BEEN ANNOUBCED. H id en Ae Se CORKERY- here Mr. Leste Howarp m1 ACKETT FIGHT ON FRIDAY. ‘ : | over The Happy Highways GORDON maintains tli | confused and uncharted lanes. Indeed, | am wonderin now if the title may not have been an instance of bitte irony on the part of Miss Storm Jameson. Certainly a more formless mass of writing never within my experience masqueraded as a novel. There are ideas and retlections —these last mostly angry and vaguely socialistic—and here and there glimpses of illusory narrative about a group of | young persons, brothers and a girl-friend, who live at Herne Hill, attend King’s College and talk (oh, but interminab ly) the worst pamphilet-talk of the pre-war age. It is, I take it, a reviewer's job to stifle his boredom and push on resolutely through the dust to find what good, if any, may be hidden by it. I will admit therefore some vague interest in the record of how the War hit such persons as these. Also (to the credit of the author as tale-teller) she does allow one of the young men to earn a scholarship, and for no sane reason to depart instantly thereupon before the mast of a sailing-ship; also another, the central figure, to fall in love with the girl. The book is in three parts, of which the third is superfluously specialized as “chaos.” Whether | Miss Jameson will yet write a story I am unable to say; hi A r | | | mystery except to say that Tien T’ze was a Chinese organ isation which perpetrated crimes, and that Donald Cra | Kyrle Durand—his secretary (female) and cousin—and ; : , Darr | MacIvor, superintendent of the Criminal Investigation D: partment, were employed in tracking it down and smashing it to pieces. Never have I met anyone in fiction (let fact alone) so clever as Kyrle in getting herself and her friends out of tight places. When Craig and MaclIvor were so | beset by Tien T’ze that their last hour seemed to have come | found myself saying, “It is time for Kyrie to emerge from her machine,” and she emerged. In a novel of this genre it is essential that the excitement should | never fall below fever-heat, but Mr. Gorpon’s book does better than that; its temperature would, I think, burst any ordinary thermometer. “The Vicar’s Study Circle is now engaged in considering th teaching of what is known as the ‘ Higher Criticism.’ All interest 1] are invited to attend, whatever sex they may claim to possess.”’ - Parish Magazine | The Vicar evidently possesses the open mind so necessary | for discussions of this sort. 2A ROR IN

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ce 2 geen gic laa i

SANS iia yee

sneer LONDO —_—_— Decemper 29, 1920.} PUNCH, OR THE N CHARIVARL.

| = : F | | BexWARd Parreipat AS WE SEE OTHERS: A CANDID APPRECIATION OF U.S.A. Tue liner de luxe had swung in past Sandy Hook, and the tender had already come alongside with its mail | and Press-gang. There ensued a furious race to interview the most distinguished passenger, and it was by the repre- | , Sentative of The Democratic Elevator, who got there first, that the Sage, in the very act of recording the emotions | | provoked by his first sky-scraper, was abordé. | “Mr. Punch, I guess?” said he. “ Pleased to meet you, Sir. And what do you think of the American nation ? “Shall I tell you now,” asked Mr. Punch, “or wait till I’ve actually seen it?” | “Right here,” said the interviewer, and drew his note-book. “Well,” began Mr. Punch, “I think a good deal of it—I mean, I think a good deal about it And it | I necause | | nearly always makes me smile. Of course you won't understand why it nearly always makes me You don’t appreciate our humour, and therefore you say that we haven't haven’t any. So you'll never unde | We don't see fun in the same things. | any. And if we don't appreciate your humour that proves again that we ‘ stand why it makes me smile, sometimes gently and sometimes rather bitterly, to think about your ration; but 1’ tell you just the same. “In the first place, what you call ‘ America’ is only a small fraction of the American continent, not even as large as British North America. And in the second place what you call your ‘nation well, person once said of it that it isn’t really a nation at all, but just a picnic. I won't go so far as that, but | I hardly suppose you will be much better pleased if I call it a League of Nations. That is a phrase that you | hate, because your President Wixson loves it. “ By the way, I must be very careful how I speak of your President, because you ‘re subject. You allow yourselves to abuse him as the head of a political party, but if other nations so mm question his omniseience he suddenly becomes the Head of a Sovereign State. An English Cabinet Minister onc some rude so sensitive on that

+} | } ; P , " : 4 -> . : . ‘4 ’ . a+ ‘ « . * a wit I j I resident of the day, and when at the end the Englishman very quietly said, 1 am in lined to agre ib! Oo | the American turned on him in a fury, saving: ‘Sir. l didn't come here to have my country INSULLEC be, ‘“ However, to return to your League of Nations. In England (where I come from) they are just now re- | Viving a play by Mr. Israrn ZANGwin, in which, if I recall it rm c Melting Pot into which every sort of fancy alien type is thrown, and turned out a pattern American citi ; member of a United Family. I wish | could believe it. | through the Melting Pot, remains a German: that your [rishman, however 1.41 rightly, he makes out your much he Americanises himself for

untry to be the | [t seems to us that your German, even after passing | ne

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518 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, _ [Dacemner 29, 1920, purposes of political_power and graft, remains an Irishman. -You never seem to get together as a nation, except | when you go to war, and even then you don’t keep it up, for you're not together now, although you're still at | war with Germany. The rest of the time you seem to spend in having Elections and ‘placating’ (I think that's what you call it) the German interest, or the negro interest, or the Sinn Fein interest. “ And this brings me to the point that makes. me smile most of all—when it doesn’t make me‘ weep. Isn't it a pathetic thing that a really great and strong people like you should be so weak and little as to let your Press sympathise blatantly with the campaign of murder in Ireland; to suffer that campaign to be actively | assisted by American gunmen; to look on while it is being financed by American money, here employed in con- | junction with the resources of that very Bolshevism which you take care to treat as criminal in your own country ? | “Isn't it pitiful that you should regard reprisals (hateful though they may be) as worse than the hideous | | murders which provoked them; forgetting your own addiction to lynch law; forgetting too (as some of our own people forget) that the sanctity of the law depends as much upon the goodwill and assistance of the populace as it does upon the police, and cannot else be maintained ? “Indeed your memory is not very good. Your Monroe Doctrine, which insists that nobody from outside shall interfere with your affairs, escapes you whenever you want to interfere with other people’s. You even forget, at convenient times, your own Civil War. Just as there was not a protest made by you against the methods of our blockade of Germany for which an answer could not be found in some precedent set by you in that War of North and South, so now the best answer to your sympathy with the preposterous claims of an Irish Republic | is to be found in those four years in which you fought so bloodily to preserve the integrity of your own Union. “Yet you let men like De Vauera go at large proclaiming the brutal tyranny of the alien Saxon and advertising his country as a Sovereign State—all because you have to ‘placate’ the Irish interest. I should very much like to hear what you would think of us if at our Elections we ran an Anti-You campaign and even made Intervention a plank in our platform (as one of your Parties did) for the sake of ‘placating’ the niggers or the Cubans or the Filipinos or any other sort of Dago in our midst. “Of course we are told—and of course I believe it—that the ‘ best’ American sentiment is all right. But, if so, it must be cherished by a very select few, or they would never tolerate a condition of things so rotten that, unless your coming President ‘finds some cure for it, you are like to become the laughing-stock of Europe. I am almost tempted to go into the Melting Pot myself and show you, as none but an American citizen would ever be allowed to show you, how it is to be done. Unfortunately I am too busy elsewhere, putting my own country right. ‘But to conclude—for I see that we are drawing close to the landing-stage—I do hope that in my desire to be genial I have not been too flattering. No true friend ever flatters. And in my heart, which has some of our common blood in it (notoriously thicker than water), I cannot help loving your country, and would love it better still if only it gave me a better chance. Indeed, 1 belong at home to a Society for the Promotion | of Anglo-American Friendship. More than that’”—and here the Sage was seen to probe intg a voluminous and bulging breast-pocket—I have brought with me a token of affection designed to stimulate a mutual cordiality.” “ Not a flask of whisky?” exclaimed the representative of The Democratic Elevator, suddenly moved to animation “ No, not that, not that, my child,” said Mr. Punch, “ but something far, far better for you; something that gives you, among other less serious matter, a record of the way in which we in England, with private troubles of our own no easier than yours to bear, and exhausted with twice as many years of sacrifice in the War of Liberty (whose colossal effigy I have just had the pleasure to remark), still try to play an honourable part in that society of nations from which you have apparently resolved, for your better ease and comfort, to cut your selves off. Be good enough to accept, in the spirit of benevolence in which I offer it, this copy of my One Hundred and Filty-alinth Volume.” te BR tee aig: ee BPN SO ee agg

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