Punch 1899-08-09: Vol 117

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Avaust 9, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 | j Uff ir Vy y yi! if Ay ty) his | f Kes Me Our Artist (who has strolled into a London Terminus). ‘‘ WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE? Is THERE A Panic?” Porter. ‘‘Paxic! No, Tuts Atn’r No Panic. Turse ts Excursionists. Terk TRAIN LEAVES IN Two Hours, sO THEY WANT TO GET A SEAT!” A DOG AND HIS DAY | much for marmalade and porridge. Mutton |trouble. Existence at the police-station 1 snceagg : a chop bone good, but better for a couple of | a blank. Too terrible to remember. Hope (Written on the spot.) | days’ keeping. | I bit somebody. Fancy I munched a pair 6 A.M.—Woke up the household by bark- | 10 A.M.—Exit master. Jumped up, and | of regulation boots. ing at the sweeps next door. Know them|came down rather roughly on the mat. 4 p.M.—Asleep. well. Never met a burglar. Fancy I| Chivied the cat. 5 p.M.—Asleep. should like them. | 11 A.M.—Taken up my position in the| 6 P.M.—Awokeina bad temper. Chivied 7 A.M.—First appearance of cook with-| flower-stand in the dining-room window. | the cat, and got through the backs of out her boots. Coming down stairs in the | Coign of vantage for barking at the pass- | some of the best books in the library. hope of passing master’s door without| ing policeman. Makes him so wild when 7 P.M.—Superintended the dishing-up of being caught. Barked. Row. Cook re-|I have no muzzle. He vows vengeance, | the dinner. Cleared some of the plates— ceived warning, and chivied me. Showed | calling me ‘‘ his beauty.’’ prematurely. fight, and went off with her boot-lace. 12 Noon.—Chivied the cat. .JANE‘having | 8 P.M.—Sent to rest in disgrace. Eat a few inches of leather and a couple| taken a letter to the pillar-box opposite, 9 p.M.—Eat my niuzzle. A piece of good of wired tags. Indigestible. managed toescape. Immediately arrested | work to wind up with, at any rate. Closed 8 A.M.—Went for the postman’s fingers.|and carried off, to ‘the * police-station.|my eyes, with a tranquil conscience. Missed them, but eat a letter. Caught it| Barked. Barked at a policeman—in my sleep! from the boys. Took refuge in my} 1Pp.M.—Still barking. . favourite corner. 2 p.M.—Still barking. 9 A.M.—Begged at breakfast. Don’t care} 3P.M.—Rescued. Brought back in FACE VALUE.—Good looks. a d a 4 Y) Jj a THE RECENT DECISION OF THE PoLicE CoMMISSIONER TO ALLOW NO MORE CRICKET IN THE LONDON STREETS HAS SERIOUSLY AFFECTED THE POSITION OF THE TooK’s Court ELEVEN. , Ir was A VERY CrAcK TEAM—SRE WINDOWS. — VOL. CXVI, G

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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“SUCCES D'ESTIME.” (At the Theatre Royal, Hague.) Actor-Manager De Staal. ‘Tax, I TAKE IT, I MAY INFORM THE AvGUST AUTHOR, WHO IS NOT PRESENT, THAT HIS PIECE Is A— AHEM—QUALIFIED Success ?”

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_ Aueust 9, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A MODERN MATERNAL DILEMMA. YounG HARRY BRETT—the tiresome boy !— Vows he’s engaged to VIOLET ; While ARTHUR, to complete my joy, Insists on marrying HILDA BRETT! He ’s one of quite the modern school, Assures me in a manner cool, Off-hand and hearty, That love will always find a way (Whate’er this gibberish may convey) ** Aut vi aut arte.”’ ’Tis true that ARTHUR ’S nearly nine, And all the others seven or eight, Yet these engagements, I opine, Are rather too much up-to-date. To all my troubles I’ve to add That Mrs. BRETT should give—too bad !— A children’s party: And this is what I want to know— Ought they to be allowed to go ? Ought Vi? Ought ARTy ?

THE POINT OF VIEW.—IV. Mr. Puncu, Str,—The ‘‘ Great Servant Question’’ is coming to a crisis. <As I said to a friend of mine last night, what young ladies in service want is more liberty. They must have time for biking and other amusements, and for ‘* walking out,’’—which is most important. As to ‘*no fringe ’’; well, I never heard such impertinence. And those hideous caps and aprons too! Why, if a young lady can't dress as she likes where's the use of being anything ? If you want to make your servants cheerful and obliging, don’t bother them with orders. Leave them to do everything their own way, and L think you will be surprised! It would be a good plan to take turns with them in the kitchen. Why shouldn’t the mistress cook the dinner three days a week, while the master might wash up and break the usual quantity of china? The cook could sit in the dining- room, where she might entertain her friends, whilst the table-maid might prac- tise her piano-lessons in the drawing- room. Where only one servant is kept,

there would be no difficulty, if the family set about the matter heartily, in amusing her for a few hours, if the weather pre- vented her going out with her young man. Yours, JEMIMA,

AT A GARDEN PARTY. Lady Vere de Vere (to distinguished foreigner). ‘‘ You MUST EXCUSE ME. I AWFULLY SILLY OF ME. I KNOW youR NAME KNOW IT's $O WELL, BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER YOUR Fave!”

THE FIRST OF THE SILLY SEASON. DEAR StR,—I see in one of your daily contemporaries that a horse, losing a shoe, knocked up a blacksmith, put out its hoof, and secured the necessary repairs. But this is nothing to what my black | poodle did during the recent hot weather. Apparently suffering from a headache, Ponto called upon a local vet, put out his tongue and paw, and subsequently paid for a ticket, in postage-stamps, for Paris, and stayed for three weeks at the Pasteur Institute. But the conduct of an animal friend of my cousin beats the record. The creature finding itself alone in the country, deter- mined to come up to town and have a good | time of it. It dined at a pleasant restau-

rant, managing to take its meal (literally) | under a table-cloth. Then it went to the Crystal Palace, and thoroughly enjoyed the exhibits of the Article Club and the paintings in the Picture Gallery. It also delighted in the Dream of Whitaker's Almanack. From Sydenham the adventu- | rous animal started for Earl’s Court, and not only descended the chute, but went |up in the Gigantic Wheel. It after this | attended a music-hall or two, and obtained admission and grilled bones at my cousin’s favourite club. | And to make the matter stranger, the | animal was onlya pig. Nota learned pig. | His education had been neglected. Yours rationally, CoLNEY, HATCH & Co., UNLIMITED. The Retreat, near Hanwell.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 9, 1899, / ‘7 us Me ‘aad j R) ; rile id, 1 i ae a Die | il we hy +) / , vi IN ; \ I\\d> ihe» {! it i \(i Ain Ly ef I / Wh Nii NN WNL phot py AU UINTANTeY 3H'\Na UP ALI 1) AY VAN NWI SZ KSEE SAE ¥ /4a- j \ i .", ’ eis4ne 0% ““MOTHER, CALL THE CATTLE HOME.” Mr. PoTTLETON INVESTED IN A HERD or Hie THEM AS AN ORNAMENT TO HIS PARK. Mr. +HLAND BULLO‘ KS FOR GRAZING, CONSIDERING PoTTLETON IS BEGINNING TO WISH HE HADN'T. 2 l INTERESTING ITEMS FROM INSULAR | REFUGES. (From Our Special Correspondents.) BURNLIP.—The weather here is truly seraphic, and reminds one of that usually attributed to the Garden of Eden. Thou- sands of tourists from the Midlands are mingling with our aristocratic patrons, among whom may be noticed the Duke and Duchess of CASA REALE, Prince BECCAFICO, the Earl of Strippit, the Hon. BROWN- JONES, Sir REGINALD and Lady RIPPER, and Doctor DIONYysIus DUNBER, of Chicago. A curious accident happened to one of our | fishermen yesterday. He was angling for | whiting when, to his great surprise, he | succeeded in hooking a lobster-pot, to the | great amusement of hundreds jassembled | on the pier. The Catch ’Em Alive Oh! | Company are playing to fair houses at the | Imperial Theatre. | royal harvest. Bedrooms are at a premium, CURDMOUTH. — Under the beneficent auspices of Phoebus Apollo, our hotel- keepers and landladies are enjoying a right and the absence of ‘‘ Norfolk Howards ’”’ in every domicile has been guaranteed by the Mayor and Corporation. That elegant steam-yacht, The Crocus, is now plying daily between this town and neighbouring ports. She generally boasts a full pas- senger list owing to the attractive strains of Signor GOBBONI’S string band and the courtesy of Captain LANDEMALL, her gallant commander. It is reported that the cousin of the chef of the GERMAN EMPEROR is staying at the ‘‘Cat and Candlestick,’’ and the Royal Ensign of the Fatherland is now freely displayed in the High Street. Every one who stayed away from here last Monday must have enjoyed Bank Holiday very much.: The residents didn’t. | tage be allowed to either side. was the fitting inscription in coloured oil lamps displayed last night over the entrance to the Music-hall gardens. It applied not only to the magnificent, dainty and serio-comic show supplied by Manager MICKLETHWAITE, but also to the honest money-making hand held forth by every inhabitant to the stranger, who wants well doing. Never before has he been so well catered for. An American citizen remarked on Thursday that the donkey in Woundburgh could not be equalled at Saratoga or Brighton Beach. The winkle season is now in full swing, and cabs and erabs are running neck and neck in the race for popular custom. Mr. ANGUS O’FLAHERTY, the celebrated Scottish tragedian, opened last night at the Terpsichore Theatre in The Delights of the Deuce. The vicar of the chief parish is suffering from lumbago. [We are unfortunately unable to print further communications from our correspondents this week owing to brain-pressure on vacuity.—Ep.] SUGGESTIONS FOR AN EXTRA TEST MATCH. (By a Thoroughly Practical Organiser.) THAT the first innings be played in England, and the second in Australia. That the eleven be sixteen, so that the choice may be larger. That the bowling be revised, and the old rules restored. That a Colonial not to be an Englishman, and an Englishman not to be a Colonial. That everything be equal, and no advan- That all the expenses be paid somehow, but gate money be abolished. That the best side be allowed to win on the plain understanding that both sides are equal. After a Visit to the Zoo. Uncle Jim. Well, ToMMY, which is your favourite animal ? Master Tommy. Oh, the yellypump was so large, and the hittipipopotimus had on an ugly mackintosh. I fink I liked the guinea-pig best. A REAL GRIEVANCE. Porter at Junction. ‘‘ Puew! . ALL THIS LUGGAGE REGISTERED IN ADVANCE AND NOT WOUNDBURGH.—‘‘ Welcome all guests’’ A BLOOMIN’ Trip po I GET FOR HANDLING IT.

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Aueust 9, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. MR. WILFRED WOOLLAM, believing that I am not, save owing to some accident or blunder, ignoring Child Illa and Other Poems, by WILFRED WOOLLAM (Sheffield, J. A. Barn; London, SIMPKIN AND MARSHALL), ventures to ask if the volume duly reached me. Many influential journals, it appears, failed to receive their allotted copies, and Punch may have failed where neither the Spectator nor the Daily Chronicle—so Mr. WOOLLAM informs me—succeeded. I know not. On the Baron’s shelves are many volumes, and perchance on some inaccessible shelf Child Illa may be reposing, with the dust of eight months lying thick upon her. Step-ladders and investigation are alike un- necessary, I am glad to say, for Mr. WOOLLAM, with a generosity that does equal credit to his heart and his head, has sent me a fresh copy of his soul’s outpourings, which, at his special request, I now proceed to examine. It appears that in an ancient land, date uncertain (‘‘ when it boots none to know,’’ says Mr. WOOLLAM), a knight had been for seven years engaged in the seductive and mysterious cccu- pation of riding to and fro over the turf and by the surf. He was all alone, ‘‘ But letters from the king he bore And the mien of high degree,’’ just as on a celebrated occasion Miss Bolus went home in a flood of tears and a sedan chair. This knight never supped twice in the same place (‘‘ And never twice o’er festive board His smile or jest was thrown’’), but having supped, he saddled and flew—I retain in my prose as much as possible of the original poetry—sighing ‘‘ Not there,’’ while ‘*his steed’s hoofs cried, ‘The Past! The Past! The Past!’’’ which, I may remark in passing, is a cry that the merely mortal hoofs of no self-respecting earthly steed have ever emitted in my hearing. But then I never heard them say ‘‘ Proputty,’’ or anything else, so I daresay Mr. WOOLLAM is right all the same. However, the knight came to Child Illa’s castle and stayed there seven days. Child Illa, it should be noted, was a lady ; she had nothing to do with Childe Harold or Childe Roland, who to the dark tower came; she was a different sort of child altogether, and the mysterious knight fell in love with her—in fact, he went on loving her till, by a pine-roofed, lonely shrine, he told her his name was Dondelume. This didn’t startle her at all, for when the knight added that none knew it, and that ’twas seven years gone since one had called him Dondelume, she merely remarked, ‘‘ It will be known to fame.’’ Shortly after this there was a battle, though I can’t quite make out what it was about, and Sir Dondelume took part in it. Just before it began he received from Child Illa a curt message which made his face and his heart as clay. This message ran: ‘*My lady’s thanks to the stranger knight, Her compliments and good-bye.’’ Sir Dondelume spurred into the fray and per- formed the prodigies that are usually associated with medizval, armour-clad combats. Eventually, however, when The sun’s last ray showed ghastly-gay Stained banners, broken arms, Glad gallant knights, sad sickening sights: War’s horrors and its charms—eventually, as I say, Sir Dondelume was struck by an arrow, a style of weapon which it was seemingly unfair to employ, and died, after having received a final visit from Child Illa, thus bringing the poem to a somewhat unhappy conclusion. There are many other poems, but I cannot deal with all. I may mention, however, ‘‘ Mr. Smith,’’ of whom the author says : Of him no rich and kind papa, No scheming poor mamma afraid is; He’s lots of friends—is loved—yah, bah !— By two sweet ladies. Mr. WOOLLAM evidently has a hearty dislike for ‘‘ that beast, that dog, That four-legged SmirH’’ (note the crescendo of the epithets), and not without reason, for either of these two sweet ladies might have been Mr. WOOLLAM’Ss bliss, had not the four- legged one intervened. But a poet's lot is traditionally un- happy, and women often bestow their affections on strange monsters. There are 342 pages in Mr. WOOLLAM'S book. Most interesting and entertaining is the volume of Pickwickian Studies, by PERCY FITZGERALD, published by the New Century Press, thereby suggesting that here, at least, is a work which the new century, with its new types of men and manners, will not willingly let die. The labour bestowed by Mr. PERCY-VERING FITZGERALD on the details of so many Pickwickian scenes is amazing. Had CHARLES DICKENS confided the scheme, or scenario, of some of his most farcical situations to his keenly critical admirer, it is highly probable that many of them, including that of Mr. Pickwick in the spinster’s bed-room, would never have been written. The genius that gave Pickwick to the Yi fj ‘ WM by Yi Oy Yi Yj yy Gi Sy Vy, SS SS SSS Little Ethel. ‘‘Mr. Rich, WE’RE NOT ALL MADE OF DvsT, ARE WE?” Mr. Rich (benignly), “Yes, MY DEAR.” Little Ethel (triumphantly). **Ou, WELL, YOU AREN'T, ’COS*PAPA SAYS YOU SPRUNG FROM NOTHING !” world was above all rules except those that manage stage effect. Who for the first time in the full enjoyment of a comic situa- tion in Pickwick would have cared, at the moment, to inquire into the probabilities? Now, when all the scenes and charac- ters are so familiar to us, Mr. PICKWICK FITZGERALD'S Pick- wickian Studies sends us back to the book itself with freshly awakened interest. By the way, Mr. FITZGERALD recounts how Boots at the White Horse was played in 1843 at the Ipswich Theatre, and ‘‘ This,’’ says Our Percy-vering historian ‘‘ was, of course, our old friend Boots at the Swan, which FRANK ROBSON, later, made his own.’”’ ‘‘ FRANK’’ is a slip of the memory for ‘* FRED.’’ It was FRED. Rosson, ‘‘ Little RoBson,’’ who made one of his exceptional successes as Jacob Earwig, in the farce of Boots at the Swan, a character originally played, if the Baron remembers rightly, by KEELEY. The Crime in the Wood, as' bottled off by T. W. SPEIGHT, in twenty-one chapters (JOHN LONG, yes—decidedly long), had better have been left where it was, i.e., in the wood. It is a story that, years ago, might have served some dramatist as a melodramatic plot for the Adelphi or Princess’s, and before that, for the good old ‘‘transpontine theatres.’’ Had the materials of this story been adroitly dealt with, after the manner of Sherlock Holmes, and had the style been moder- nised, it might have served the purpose of beguiling a leisure hour. ° THE BARON DE B.-W. **OVER!’’ Now with this man I’ll make a match, For all report him-a good catch. He asked me on the popping-crease, And swore his love would never cease. FLORAL FAVOURITE AMONG PAWNBROKERS. —The Pop-py.

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66 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Aucusr 9, 1899. Ny Tn). / / } ' Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage). ‘Don’t You KEEP A BRUSH FOR THAT WoRK, PorTER?” Porter. ‘‘No, YER Honour. Ovr ToNGVEs Is THE ONLY INSTHRUMINTS WE'RE ALLOWED. BUT—THEY'RE AISY KEP’ WET, YER Hoyork!” [Hint taken. “LET US GO HENCE.” LET us go hence, my tongue! they would not hear Not though we tempted them by talking sense; Even a new joke would not draw a cheer ; Let us go hence! The SPEAKER'S pew is empty; gone the mace; Gone, too, the lone hat of the last M.P.; Let us go hence, my tongue! it is no place For you and me. For now the politician's pulse is stirred, He pants for other gayer scenes than this ; Northward he moves to give the early bird A safety miss ; All ways he radiates to summer seas, A bucket and a spade in either hand, To build his castles in unclosured ease Upon the sand. Though Oom be obstinate as any swine, Though all the hounds of war be ripe to slip, No less our friends will practise in the brine Their daily dip. The Primate may pronounce the censer’s use Improper save for sanitary needs, No less our vagrants on the air will loose Their lightish weeds. The lagging Season lurches out of mind Where limbo waits it, easy to forget ; Silly it was, and now there looms behind A sillier yet. The giant gooseberry renews its strength ; | The monster serpent, comatose in caves, Lithely unravels all his lustrous length And rules the waves. The publishers sit by the running brooks Or wait till autumn for the leaves to fall ; Meantime we pass from undistinguished books To none at all. Solitude settles on the torpid town ; A paltry million*here and there remains ; Almost alone the cracksman satnters down Suburban lanes. Hunger and Duty and the burglar’s aim— Mere Art for Art’s sake—hold their prisoned prey ; Only the ornamental workers claim Their meed of play. ** Peace!’ cries the minor bard, and folds his wings ; Round at the Hague the Huis-ten-Boschers cease ; Peace is their prayer, peace even from the things That make for Peace. AT GOODWOOD. Miss de Courcy (the famous Polynesian Soprano). Why is there a ‘* birdless grove ’’ here ? | Lord Chesterfield Smith (gallantly). Because the birds knéw | that a syren was in the neighbourhood. Brute of a Bookmaker. Any price Bird of Paradise ! Peruaps.—If things go right in a Chamberlainic direction, Johannesburg may be renamed Joechamberlainesburg or simply Joe-hannesburg. :

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevsr A FREE HAND! HARTHUR B. (to the Butler). ‘‘WELL, THANK ’EVINS, MR. SALISBURY, THEY ’VE ALL LEFT THE ’OUSE!” JOE (the Buttons). ‘* NOW WE CAN DO JUST AS WE LIKE, AND NO QUESTIONS ARST.”’

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—_— — — m™ 0 t d y fe t t t a,

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Aveust 9, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69 P over you but taik it in good part and do not cherrish angry Pt Lean felines and do not hit him for doing what he canot help, unless ae its one of the littul fellers then of coarse I shood joly well smak eee ae SON his hed. - pele Te ~~ Swimming.—A plessent parstime mutch in voag wenever thers enuff water to do it in I saw a feller jump orf the Peer at Shrimpington but I think he was an ass dont you it was 200 feet high or 20 feet I forget witch Strike out bolely and with conphidinece Larst harf I was striking out bolely -wen I hit RAWLINSON minor on the noce he sed you clumpsy rotter what are you doing I sed shut up young blob-face or Ile give youa joly good liking arfter school Ass England is an Iland suroundid by water every Brittish boy shood lern to swim. FINIS—THE END—THATS ORL. PATRIOTICS. (From a Traveller’s Log-book.) I.—THE LONDON Bus. O SHADE of Shillibeer, The Bus’s pioneer, Return again to London Town and note our modern traffic ! Come back and take a ride, Sit, as of old, inside And at our sixty years’ advance your joy will be seraphic ! Mark, how when Fahrenheit Reads ninety, we sit tight Within a box on wheels, whence draughts are carefully excluded ; How we progress along, An ever-hurrying throng, Five miles an hour, which almost is a faster pace than you did! At night the feeble ray “TWO LITTLE DEMOISELLES FROM SCHOOL.” Of one oil lamp will stay . The passengers from wasting time and money o’er the papers ; First Little Demoiselle. ‘‘I DON’T WANT TO BE MARRIED, AND I And then in exit rash, DON’T WANT TO BE AN OLD MAID.” Against the roof you ’1] smash Second Little Demoiselle. ‘‘ THEN GET MARRIED AND BE DivorceD!”| Your topper, which is good for trade—so say the silk-hat shapers ! FROM A BACHELOR UNCLE’S DIARY. Note, too, our lovely roads - = m vr Paved in all kinds of modes— ‘THIS post brings last instalment of my nephews ensyclo- They’re up-and-down (more often ‘‘ up’’) and full of sweet ppeajer.’ Seems to treat several subjects within very limited surprises ; space. Glad my small remittance appears to have been appre- With pleasure will you jump, ciated.”’ For instance, as you bump DEAR UNCLE CHARLEY,—Thanks orfly for your jenrous tip | to Kensinct Notting Hill o’er holes of different sizes. witch I devided between me and STINKER acording to seeny- OS OF ee oer eee : ourorrity I meen that ass Ime a yeer older I took a trifool maw As for electric trams, than him I bort that Criket batt its a stuner Hoping youle like 7 They ’re nasty foreigns shams, ‘ the inklosed, Your affeckshunt nephew Max. |Andso’s an awning, waiting-room, or correspondence-ticket ; P.S.—The price of this wurks a bob We maik the littul fellers JOHN BULL prefers to rush (Like football-scrum) and crush— rite it orl out and give them 3d this shows a hansom prophet. The stuffy, lumbering London Bus has precious few to lick it! Riding.—You do it with a hoarse and a saddel and bridel and stirps Wen it trots you rice jently and then come down agane holding on well by the hoarse’s hed and if nessesary by the saddel ass well Wenever you fall orf mind he dussent step uppon you Riding is mutch reckomended for the liffer but shood not be indulged in to eggsess ass it herts orfly afterwoods. Shooting.—This seams dangerus at ‘first becos the beginer will freequently let off his gun without meening to and wen it hits a keaper thers an orfle row but you must Percyveer and orl diffeultys will be smounted The Cartrige shood never be put in the hole at the top and ramd down as formally but now thers a hinge and you lode from there and not from the muscle of the gun You shut one eye and look along the barl ass you aim at the vicktim then shut both eyes and pull the trigur it maiks an orfle row thats the wurst of it Its not a bad doge to wate till annuther feller shutes at a cuffey of birds and then fire too and say thats my bird I think Praps the feller will look sick but that dussent matter This is only reckermended to the kneeofite ass the eggspurt will find it unnessry. Skating.—This is an eggsillyrating tho slipry sport One of our fellers can cut 8es at least he ses so but its rarther funy that he ses he carnt do it wen ennyones looking This creeates distrussed I dont bleeve mutch in fellers who can only do things wen no ones looking do you You begin by holding on to anuther CAM feller if heal let you and then you strike out furst one foot and ODD MAN OUT. then the uther till you fall down then you get up and do it agane A Genuine Peace Conference. till your profishent Grone up peeple orlways look sollum wen| Tp, newspapers say that Mr. McKinley and Sir Wilfrid Laurier will meet their skating but this is purely opshonal. while both are on holiday, and that “they will settle the Alaskan matter off Sliding.—Is like skating You taik a run then stick your feat} hand.” Mr. Punch ventures to submit a simple method of arbitration not together and slide If you fall sum uther fellers shure to fall | suggested at the Hague.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 9, 1899.

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Jes ) magnificent Gully that divides the two r tin mye lea of the Artist regrets he is unwhle to give (Ou r

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Avevst 9, 1899] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 71 ————— = TRIALS OF A NOVICE. **Say, MISTER! ArE you FLY-FISHING oR ’EAVING THE LEAD?” Unfeeling Passer-by. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | ARTHUR on question of creating new judge. |Mr. GEDGE’sS eagle eye discerned his ExrracTep FROM THE Diaky oF Tosy, M.P. | opportunity. Hunted up notes of discarded House of Commons, Monday, July 31.— | speech; brought them down to House, and Mr. GEDGE has no confidence in the LORD | looked forward to a pleasant evening. CHANCELLOR, regarded as a dispenser of| Then comes the bland SPEAKER with the legal patronage. Himself a family man, he | abhorred shears and cuts him up on points thinks the virtue of family affection may | of order. be carried too far. Hence his desire to} Again and again he returned to the interpose to-night in debate on proposal|attack. Ever the shears closed with to create a new judge. |swift snap. At length Mr. GEDGE dropped “All very well,’’ said Mr. GEDGE. ‘‘ No | back in his seat, defeated, oppressed with objection to increasing strength of the! expectation that the LorD CHANCELLOR, bench. But with whom is to rest the|thus delivered out of his hands, would appointment to sodeéSirablea preferment?’’ | beat his own record in the appointment The SPEAKER, smelling a rat, blandly | to the new judgeship. suggested that before the line of argument; ‘‘ Rather hard on GEDGE, I must say,”’ were pursued it would be necessary to|observed SARK.- ‘I like his bull-dog show its relevancy. | tenacity. House may laugh at him or yell. “Exactly, my Lud,’’ said Mr. GEDGE, | SPEAKER may rule him out of order; if he momentarily led astray by the judicial tone | thinks he’s on the right tack he comes up of SPEAKER'S remarks. ‘‘ It stands thus. If| serene, indomitable. Never has had quite this new judge is to be appointed by theLorp | fair play. House from beginning insisted CHANCELLOR, some of us might have want|on regarding him as a joke, and keeps it of confidence in the LORD CHANCELLOR."’ | up. If they would only listen to him they The SPEAKER was now convinced. He} would find he usually knows what he’s not only smelt the rat. He saw it moving | talking about, and puts his case well. in the alr. Reminds me of another legal luminary, at be said, ‘‘ is too remote.’’ _ | Whose fame lives in a couplet : the _ this, on Mr. Gupos, who, early 1M | Persuasion - his tongue whene’er he talks, J Ssion, prepared a few remarks on | And he has chambers in the King’s Bench Walks. general subject of LoRD CHANCELLOR'S | distribution of patronage. For long time | hotice of motion on subject stood on paper| Tuesday. — Nemo me impune lacessit : inhis honoured name. Had no luck at the | which, freely translated, means ‘ The ballot; seemed as if opportunity had fled; | Lords had better not touch Tim HEALY’S when here comes this motion by PRINCE |Bill.’’ Unmindful of their doom, they es Business done.—Quite a lot. riddled the Dublin Corporation Bill, which a few weeks ago TIM triumphantly carried through the Commons. To-day it comes back almost unrecognisable by its anguished parent. Nota time for idle tears. Must stir up Commons to revolt against the tyranny of the other chamber. In vain CARSON urged that if Lords’ amendment be disagreed with Bill will be lost. TIM recalls the fine scene in CORNEILLE’S play, where Horace laments the disgrace he insists has been brought upon his name by the flight of his son in combat with the Curiaces. ‘* Que vouliez-vous qu'il fit contre trois?’’ asks Julie. ** Qw’il mouriit, ately responds. ** You ll kill your Bill if you insist on this course,’’ said CARSON. ‘* Let it die,’’ said TIM. In vain EbWARD CLARKE, shocked at prospect of affront to an assembly that numbers in its ranks two archbishops and four and twenty bishops, called upon the Government to come to the rescue. Ministers stood aside and let Tim fight it out untrammelled by the Whips. Members in both camps, delighted at opportunity of giving the Lords what Dick Swiveller’s friend, the Marchioness, used to call ‘‘a wonner,’’ trooped into the lobby, guided by the light that flashed from TIM’s sword. When figures announced it was found that the Lords had been beaten by more than three to one. Business done.— Merrily mopping up work of the session. ” the old man passion-

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72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. tc [Aveusr 9, 1899, Wii ' “HOW GENTLE LOVE THE SOUL TRANSFORMS!” Lizzie. "Arry. “Yus. ‘On, WoT A LOVELY PLACE ’AMPSTEAD Is! *"AMPSTEAD ’UD BE ORL RIGHT IF PEOPLE WOT YER MEET "ERE ON A BANK ‘OLERDAY.” Atn’t IT, ’ARRY?” IT WASN’T FER THE NARSTY COMMERN THE GREAT—UNKNOWN. In London you may ever find Great Britain’s ‘‘lions,’’ from the latest Financier to the men of mind, The best and greatest. Some great men always must and will Be recognised by lounging gapers, Thanks to the comic and the il- -lustrated papers. At B-bs, Lord S., or ARTHUR B., The ill-mannered crowd will stare un- duly; They know their B-RNs and Jory C., And even H-L-yY. While some, of whom the public talk, In various ways of light and leading, By kinder fate unnoticed walk Through crowds unheeding. Of folks who study those they meet ’Tis known to very few behoiders How many great men in the street With them rub shoulders. For instance, there ’s your vis-a-vis Inside a ’bus or third-class smoker— A statesman, whom you took to be Some sort of broker ! That stolid-looking lump of clay— Is X., detective, London’s smartest ! That shabby clerk—is JONEs, R.A., The well-known artist! The pushing person you rebuke, On whom you pour your wrath’s full vials— May chance to be the noble ‘‘ Duke Of Seven Dials !’’ The stranger with the queer-shaped head And not the snowiest of collars You try to snub—is Doctor Z., The prince of scholars ! In this a pretty moral lies. Of seeming scallawags a few are, It may be, great men in disguise— As great as you are. Then be less haughty and constrained, Discard the stiffness of the steeple ; Some unawares have entertained— Distinguished people. Reader, it even well may be That somewhere, though you did not know it, LOOKING AHEAD. 1900. The London University success- fully established in the Imperial Institute, 1901. Branch Establishment of the Royal College of Surgeons located in the School of Mines. 1902. Royal College of Physicians annex Diploma Gallery of R.A. for a lecture-hall, 1904. British Museum put at the ser vice of the Governing Body of the new Technical Knowledge Society. 1906. Passing of the Act for Improving the Condition of the Public by utilizing Places of Recreation in the Cause of Pro- gress. Short Title, Abolition of Cakes and Ale Bill. GUP FROM GIB. SOME time ago the morning papers pub- lished a home letter from a young Guards- man at Gibraltar. Here is another from the same shrewd observer. His spelling is hazy, but his glance is keen. Barracks, Gibraltar, Monday. My DERE MAIMIE,—Sumwuns gon and printed the letter I sent you and now the Generuls and Guverners that I told you about are orl orful mad and I feel just like wun duz wen wuns swollerd orl the shooger and Nurs cums along. Thare ar sum Orful Big secrits here and thay ar told to orl the furrin peeple that cum here to look at us just so’s to friten them. Tuday I am playin at Tom Tiddler’s Ground, its a drefful funny game. Istop in a place corld Gard and a lot of sentrys stand outside pertendin to stop the Span- yards from runnin onto our ground when nowuns lookin. Thay no its onely play coz nowun wood cum heer in the Summer if he hadent got to but it dont do no harm coz the sentrys hav onely got old guns to play with that carnt go orf. Thare ar a grate lot of Mareens heer sumtimes, thay say this is a orful nice place but thats only coz the Guverner told them so and o corse thay berlievd him, thayd be orful clevver peepel if everiwun dident orlwase go tellin them silly storys. Orl sorts of things gro heer. The ensines lyke this place a lot coz moostarches gro heer just as qwick as mustard and kres Sum hav got horrid funny wuns ime goin to send yoo pikchers ov them with thare names underneeth as soon as I lern to dror proper. I think it wos a drefful mistake bildin Gibrorlter heer it ort to hav bin put up at Earls Cort sumware in the shade. I sharnt put my name at the end of this coz ime orful yung and onely just joind and ort to be sittin still sayin nuffin. But its orl qwite troo. POST CARD TT TMS ADDRESS Oniy To BE WaTrEN Ort THs SIDE Pw Lets boar, 37 hn THE EFFECT OF A Fortnicut’s HouiDA y IN You ve had the luck to meet with ME, The blameless Poet! - a WALES ON YOUR SPELLING. ad om tt 2 sa Prerzt ost #ftm om