Punch 1899-05-24: Vol 116

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Ss S T | at | rt is d ie | ‘, In *% May 24, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘“WHO Is IT HOLDING FORTH TO youR HusBanD, Mr3. Brown?” GEORGE RAVES AB)UT HIM. Go AND ASK TO BE INTRODUCED.” ‘* THANKS ; BUT 1 HARDLY FEEL EQUAL TO AN INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATION THIS AFTER- yoon. J THINK I'LL STOP WHERE I AM, IF YOU ION'T MIND!” ‘*I7’s Proressorn SPARKES. AN INTELLECTUAL TREAT. Speak up, I am near thee, My distance I keep; Cannot see thee, nor hear thee, , In fact am asleep ; Speak up, I’m complacent, My silence is deep ; I’m away, though adjacent, In fact am asleep! If habit but quickens The spell of thy sting, M M slumber but thickens he point of the thing ; It is not thy rudeness, That isn’t the word ; It is not thy crudeness, Though that is inferred ; What rufties my hair, as Thou — to know, Is that, without whereas, Thou borest me so; Yea, all that I seize on As truly de trop, Is that, without reason, Thou borest me so. | Our second example is a revised topical / Version of The Creole Love Song. The | original, itself slightly coloured in the South- /ern manner, was found to be still further |colourable. We have accordingly added a | tone or two of rich sepia, with a coat of mahogany varnish. The title remains prac- | tically unchanged. | Tue Karrir Rum Sona. [ ‘Visitors are requested not to give drink to the narives ’—Notice at the Greater Britain Exhi- | bition. } | L smile all day at the Earl's Court mob, Till 1 ache, I ache, in my black, black nob ; I shiver and cough in the chill, chill rain, And ’tis U, I would I were warm again. Orvm! O Jamaica rum! tC c a The sort that they sell down south! brwiy DAVIE = | I me in the pit of my tum, aii or thee 1 pine in my large-sized mouth } | But O, if my feet had wings, To fly like a ‘possum far, In a sardine-berth to the ends of the earth, Where Dz Burrs and the deep bores are ; | Away where the rum-barrel blooms Says HIS CONVERSATION IS OPERATIC NOTES. Monday, May 15.—A fine performance of Tannhduser, with Susan STRONG as Venus, showing herself quite up to her name in every respect; while Frau GADSKI was an admirable Elisabeth. Conductor was, for the first time, Herr Dr. Muck. He’s first- rate, so far: going so well, indeed, where this WaGngr is concerned, that the Syndicate would be justified in “running a-Muck” for the whole Wagnerian series. The two Vans, Dyck and Rooy, did not impede the traffic, but, au contraire, helped the action and the music, and, not being overladen Vans, carried every one with them. “ Jupi- ter” PLancon excellent and impressive as Herman, the King—or, as Herbert Pocket said of Mr. Wopsle as Hamlet, he was) “‘ massive and concrete.” Altogether, a fine performance, and very | grand finale to Second Act. Royalty present: house crowded. Vive Vagner ! Thursday.—Die Walkiire, but we were jalkiire-ing off for Whitsun-tide, which, with Whitsun-time, waits for no man, and 80 must leave our brief comments on the Walkiire | until we can sit down to it quietly, here’s the Anglo-German travestie of this work entitled ‘* Hookurie- Walkiire” 2 | With balm for my thick, thick tongue; If only to breathe of its odorous fumes, COLOURABLE IMITATION. Or to die with a kiss on its bung ! [“ Witness. ‘The difficulty is that no sooner | Wil] no man give me the price of a grog does a song become popular tuan hundreds of other | }\oy the sake of the whites that I’m here to versions are published under tne same title. alo There are seven different versions of Zhe Lost 8? . : Chord.’ Lord Knutsford ‘Do they vary the title It’s dull work murdering Witson’s troop at all—say, The Found Chord, cr something of that With nothing to oil my sweet war -whoop ! sort?’ ‘No, my lord.’”—Report of the Selext Orum! O Jamaica rum! Committee of the Lords on the subject of Copyright.) The sort that they sell down south ! I pine in the pit of my tum, or thee 1 pine in my large-sized mouth PrompTep by his lordship’s hint as to the possibilities of a variation in title, trivial enough to be almost imperceptible, Mr. ; Punch hastens, in advance of fresh legisla- | But O if my feathers were fur, tion, to poblish modified versions of one or|_ The fur of a Polar bear, : two well-known songs under titles so closely To fiy where my wives in their bee-, bee- imitative that they might deceive even the hives j : original author. Are rending their back-, back-hair ! | Away where a Kaffir may bask | Quite nude on his native heath, And soak like a sponge at the up-tipped cask, Or lie like a log underneath | PRESENT YET ABSENT. (To a Garruleus Consort.) Like the flight of a wombat That swoops on a flea ‘“‘Nor annulation, but revision,” is the Thy tongue is in combat ery in Paris now, regarding the Dreyrus case. Quite often with me ; We can well believeit: for ‘‘ annulus” A two-fold arrangement— | means a little ri 1g, and annulation of course I am where thou art ; ‘the “wheels within wheels,” of which Yet my head, in estrangement, | DreyFus, France andthe world are heartily Is far from thy heart. sick. VOL, CXVI. Y

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\ "3" aaah — wae ) > SpoW,, = 3°03 eS j LONDON CHARIVARI. IMPERIAL BRUIN Drinks TO PEACE, COUPLED WITH THE HEALTH oF HER ImPERtAL Masesty Victoria, Empress oF INDIA. THE OR PUNCH,

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Mar 24, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TO THE QUEEN, For Her Masesty’s E1cutietH Brrrupay, May 24, 1899. Wuat can we say that was left unsaid, Lady and Queen, when the circled years, Set as a glory about your head, Won you worship above your peers ? No new thing, as your heart knows well ; Only again on a day of days Some of the gathered love we tell Deep in our hearts that lies always. Still with this for your unspoilt dower Tested of Time’s unerring gauge, Peace be yours of the evening hour Down the westering ways of age ; Still may the burden of life be felt Hardly at all in the years’ despite ; Slow may the long-drawn shadows melt Into the shade of the restful night. SOME PROBABLE AGENDA Of the Peace Conference now being held at the Hague. § 1. Declarations of war shall in future be abolished, as being calculated to wound the feelings of opponents. Hostilities shall be quietly and without undue fass commenced, as early as possible before the other side has had due warning or time for preparation. The initial advantage thus gained will tend to cripple the enemy and thereby bring about a more lasting peace. § 2. The term casus belli shall be discarded, both phrase and connotation being anti- qusated. The more modern “ pin-prick” shall be substituted, and deemed a sufficient cause for energetic reprisals by land and sea. § 3. A commission of 50 per cent. shall in future be paid upon all future war indemni- ties into the Pool or Imperial Treasury of Russia, that Power being the promoter of the Peace Conference. § 4. All further discussion as to the policy of the ‘Open Door” shall be dropped, as being calculated to lead to useless friction. § 5. The Great Powers shall first annex and disarm the smaller States, and shall then successively disarm themselves, England having the priority in this respect, as the remier naval Power, and Russia coming ast, as occupying that position in alpha- betical order. § 6. Every intending belligerent shall pledge itself to refrain from the use of bows and arrows, arquebuses, catapults, batter- ing-rams, cross-bows, Greek fire, chariots with scythes attached to the axles, and elephants-of-war. An infringement of this shall be reckoned as one point to the oppo- site team, with a further fine of ten points to the ee (see section 3). § 7. Every campaign shall be conducted according to the scoring principles of the game of billiards. Each victory to count a certain number of points according to the decision of the umpire, who shall be (ex officio) the Tsar: the game to be not less vad hag mage up, and the stakes to be id into the pool (see section 8). Marke to be Mr. W. t. vty , § 8. No persons under seven years of age, or over eighty, to be liable for conscription ; the enlistment of women to be discouraged ; and perambulators and other similar deadly | machines shall not be allowed in action | under any circumstances. | Fe 9. War correspondents to rank above veld: Marshals, and to be responsible for the plan of campaign in the inverse ratio of their age and experience. vy rer /C/AVULs RWEWLAg TVW 92 GRETA SAE ESAS ~a }} 4 Ls \INN Ly SS yy _ * Sees AbRAND 4,0 = EO os Wy, 4, ~ A DOUBTFUL RECOMMENDATION. Horsey Stranger (to Potter, who has just picked up a bargain at Tatts), *‘Smart Cop, you ’VE GOT THERE, Guv’NoR!” THING ABOUT HIM, I suPPOSE?” Potter (rather pleased). ‘‘ YES, I THINK sO. DoN’T KNOW ANY- Horsey Stranger (chuckling). ‘‘ WELL, I’VE SEEN ’IM "ERE REGULAR EVERY WEEK FOR THE LAST Two MoNTHS—THAT’S ALL I KNOW!” O THAT THEY, TOO, WERE MAYING! Dear EverGREEN OnE,—The charming appeal you once made for the “ Holiday omes”’ for sick and crippled and town- imprisoned children has not yet been for- gotten. It gave a splendid lift to lots of them right out into the green fields. I write now to remind you of this lest your own good deeds should have escaped your memory. I don’t know how money could be much better spent than in such a cause. See, I burst out into reminiscent rhyme: O that they, too, were maying, This once by woodland and down, Sick children with violets playing Away from the smoke of town! You May, Mr. Punch, and I May, and so does your Mr. Putt May (or we might when we | were younger), and why May not they? Let your good-hearted readers see to it that the Fund at 37, Norfolk Street, Strand, which sends these children into the sweet air for a day, or a fortnight, or more in the case of invalids, shall not fail for want of their sympathy. A Lover or CHILDREN. SUNDAY PAPERS, S1zr,—Why not stop all Sunday Papers ? I get away on Saturday, midday, and don’t want to hear or see any more of business until Monday morning. As long as no one in the same line as myself sees a paper, no one can steal a march upon me, except by private information, which he can get any day of the week. I don’t care a dump for what happened on Saturday after business hours, and as to reports of operas, plays, and such like matters, surely it is much better to have it all fresh on Monday? Yours, Far FROM THE Mappine CrowD.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 24, 1899, a WNW - 4 Y } es ‘inn Wy | ‘ mer YA ao . Mistress, ‘‘ WELL NOW, WHAT CAN YOU COOK?” Mistress, ‘‘ WHat anout Evrress?” Applicant, ‘* Mistress. ‘CAN You DO A VOL-AU-VENT?” TALK ABOUT A VOLLERVONG, BUT IT FELL THROUGH,” = — Yes, I in Wi £8 |/ Ml ea ; ari | Hi } iS | eee Sg NG “4 \ = aN island N a i by ) ‘ { U } IT t ' oP a Oe A — al ogee Mil — 2 —— —— —— a Applicant. ‘On. I CAN COOK ANYTHINK, Mum.” CAN DO OvTRAYS, Mum.” Applicant (doubtfully), ‘‘ WELL, MuM, IN MY LAST PLACE THERE WAS ONCE SOME AN EXPERIMENT IN SWINBURNIAN RHYTHM. Crovup-canopied, clad in the curtain of crimson, that Spring’s ruddy sunshine suffuses at daybreak, The top of the pine-covered mountain arises, eternal, unbending, rock-helmeted, lone, The dark purple pall of the cloud hovers over it, silent, deep- throbbing, that soon, haply, may break, With echoes full resonant, rich and harmonious, tuned to the music of ocean’s soft moan. Yet not from the mountain, nor lightning fork vivid, nor deep- throated thunder in full diapason, Nor pine tree, with scent like the incense-charged fane, giving semblance of altar and chancel and nave, Awoke on the lyre the wild chord of devotion (the instrument rapturous solitude plays on), Nor yearnings and strivings perplexing, bewildering—the form and the key and the harmony gave. Nor was it the Sea with its rumble and ripple, its breakers and shingle advancing and ——e Its fickle, flecked foam and its deep purple hue (that reminded the Greek of his resinous wine), That this lyric inspired, ah! not therefore I chaunted in fury and frenzy these verses appalling, But solely and simply to make the experiment how many words I could cram in a line. Tue DistinevisHInc FEATURE oF THE First MatTcH OF THE Lonpon County Cricket Cius.—Grace before and after meet. AN APPARENT DIFFICULTY. | Somesopy asked Mr. New Forsytu, of Covent Garden, how it | could be arrived at that every one should be in time for the Opera, at the commencement, so as not to disturb any one during an act? NEIL Forsytx didn’t know: he was puzzled. We would suggest begin earlier.and play a lever du rideau firat. What piece? That's the affair of N. F., and of his Directors. Why not revive the ballet ? Only, open the entertainment with it. This suggestion removes a | lot of difficulties. | But there’s something more important still. Save quite three- quarters of an hour in the whole performance by not allowing more than “ ten minutes for refreshment” between the acts. | Singers are not more exhausted with their efforts than actors; besides, it does not frequently happen that those principals who finished Act. II. are the first to appear when the curtain goes jup on Act. III. They would have, as a rule, the ten minutes’ wait | and a chorus, at least, before they need leave their dressing-rooms. | No. There’s alot of time wasted at the Opera, and only the boredom of lounging in lobbies to fill it up. | “Epea Prerdenta.”—By means of the most recent discovery in | wireless telephony, words spoken by a person sending a messege | can be photographed as they are on their way in the air! This is indeed a “ Soon View.” Natura remark of a Shareholder in the London, Brighton & | South Coast Railway on learning the projected improvements at Victoria Station.—‘* Good, eh ?”

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See ee + ~ LL PUNCH, OR THE LONDoy CHAR — ANDO) CHAE Ae 1! ih bien | js] | i Ve iy ‘¥ om nh WRIT Wid if ZO |\\\\! iWATUNT TT TT; l TT AUN TY NIM 7 HATHA il if TA a Tae TTI nn I AETV MN —— | DATTA un il — NL Wn SE AVE! VICTORIA, RiGI i ett,

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el 2 NDOY CHARIVARI.—May 24, 1899. )we th lah | deat — if | a ae | AMT UU a tet iT eigen) awl HIT) A fees [7 WM TTT AAT I){ WS . Z| 1] VAS Wife LAA MAM Ecco Ady AAT HM UU REGINA ET IMPERATRIX! LACAN er Te Neen ee

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May 24, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

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oS ee = ‘‘WANTED, A CHAPERONE, GOOD NERVE INDISPENSABLE.” [New York Girus’ LATEST.—One of the eights that early morning visitors to Central Park have a chance to enjoy is the appearance of young ladies who are being tutored in the art of ‘ tooling’ four-in-hand teams... . the chaperone and the guards occupying teats in the body brake always used for the purposes of instruction.”— New York Times.]

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. In Ths Passing of Prince Rozan (THomas BuRuetcH), Mr. Joun BICKERDYKE contrives to make us sup fall of horrors. His characters include an Afghan Prince, who doubles the parts of dusky patriot and British swindler, a pre-Hooleyan company promoter, who buys coronets for the front pages of his prospectuses, and is eventually revealed as the steward of the Afghan patriot’s — yacht, and a lovely Indian princess who is, in reality, the aughter of an English peer. With the rest of the characters, they march through scenes of storm on many seas. There are dark intrigues, there are torpedoes, there is electricity, and there is | piracy. The supposed narrator, Mr. Lucas Gilbert, is a barrister | sensitive to the appeals of beauty, and an occasional destroyer of | the Queen’s English. We are told that he was once at Trinity Hall, Cambridge. Not there surely did they teach him to write that ‘‘the minds of we poor harassed mortels were apt to run riot,” that ‘ we were sitting at the table with men whom we feared had the intention of marooning us,” or that ‘‘ as for we men, we had lost the day.” Not even prolonged intercourse with a fraudulent <ae can excuse these solecisms on the part of the heroic but | ‘ unfo rtunate barrister. A Paladin of Philanthropy eanee AND WINDvs) gives the title to a collection of those delightful pews which only Mr. Austin Dosson can write. He has, my Baronite says, the key of the wine-cellar of English literature of the Augustan and the Silver Ages. At will he brings up bumpers fresh and cool, lacking nothing of colour or bouquet by reason of age. The present volume is particularly opportune in its appearance, since it con- tains an excellent account of Old Whitehall and the peerless | Banqueting House, sole legacy of the seventeenth century to the (in respect of architecture) degenerate nineteenth. In other papers, GOLDSMITH, STEBLE, and JoHN Gay livein the very clothes of their time. Hans Curist1an ANDERSEN has long been naturalised in this country. Never before have his Fairy Tales been turned forth in such sumptuous dress at moderate charges as Messrs. NEWNES have arrayed them withal. My Baronite, reading again the familiar stories, comes upon one written long before Sedan, which shows how this other Dane’s prophetic soul beheld in the future one of the products of that great tragedy. Many years ago he

wrote, ‘‘ There lived an Emperor who was so fond of having new clothes that he spent all his money upon dress and finery. He had a coat for every hour in the day, and just as in other countries they say of a king, ‘ His Majesty is in the Council Chamber,’ they said of him, ‘The Emperor is in his dressing-room.’” The stories are charmingly illustrated by upwards of 400 pictures from the pencil of Miss HELEN STRATTON. FLORENCE WARDEN is entitled to the degree of ‘‘ M.8.,” meaning Master of the Sensational. Grateful must all who pine for excite- ment in novel-reading be to this authoress, inasmuch as she has not kept The Secret of Lynndale to herself, but has published it to the world, per Messrs, I’. V. Wits & Co. Chapter after chapter leads the reader on, and it is with considerable reluctance that the deeply interested peruser puts down the book at the sound of the dinner hour, or when unconquerable drowsiness compels him to remember bed time. What is The Secret? Well, the Baron knows, and ventures to think it is so highly improbable as to amount almost to impossible, admitting, however, that there is much virtue in “ almost.”” The story serves its purpose, which is to interest absorbingly up to a point within measurable distance of the dénoviment. The Baron can quote the heroine’s words as applicable to the whole story. Says Meg, on learning the secret, “Well, that is scarcely conceivable to me,” and at one with the opinion of the heroine is that of the diffident and sympathetic Baron DE B.-W.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR. “* The sentiment concerning Sunday Papers at Eton.” Dear Mr. Puncu,—I really must write telling you my surprise at the strange omission made by Lord Rosrsgry in his speech about Sunday Papers. Why, fancy, he—a jolly good chap and an Etonian—never even suggested the suppression of the only Sunday Papers which I, and all my tutor’s pupils, cordially loathe! [ allude to the long-prevalent custom here of “‘ setting” seventh day papers, known locally as Sunday “Q's,” or Questions. The issue of these things entails Sabbath Day Labour upon Over a Thousand Etonians, who, goodness knows, are worked hard enough six days of the week! Please agitate for us in the matter. The pater advised me to write to the Times, but I thought, perhaps, that journal might not take me seriously. Besides, you've always een a pal of mine. Hoping to see you on the “ Fourth,” Yours with a great grievance, Scroeeins Masor.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 24, 1899. flutes 1, VAG Pp Lf Wa My! Ye Yin, “4 ! / / }} “Z la dete? ‘ Michaede ees AU ME eceee ee AOL ce A Her (cee \ WA /, ” / Up Pini: ‘4 i Aili a // tz Cag eae { Mus A*“*UAM Hue ee \ / J \ AY \ Un, a )) “7i/, pa Mt) / ir 7 74, > , hy / “hae | Wy y i, ' wp ud Vy q | ’ ae } / V Wl ae | ff , Vy) Yi Y | I / Ly Inquisitive Applicant for Relief. ‘‘ No.” Guardian, ‘* Bur—Er | TTT TT TTT ; ti ! ; 2 oar TY} WY, P= / | y | ik | tf KO? = Yt / y ig// Guardian, ‘*By THE WAY, HAVE YOl SURELY I KNOW Applicant. ‘Wet, I pon’T SUPPOSE YoU ’D CALL 4 CHILD CHILDREN !” WUE men if \ 1 \V d ' \ \W ANY CHILDREN ?” >” 4 Son OF YOURS THE AGE OMNISCIENT. O AGE omniscient! O youth That knoweth all things (bless it !) And swiftly grasps a subtle truth When Age can only guess it! Ah! who shall say by what strange chance We fall, on leaving College, To universal ignorance From universal knowledge ? I have a friend, just fresh from Greats, And soon to be a Fellow. He reads the purport of the Fates As lightly as Sordello. Ah! Genius of twenty-one! [, older than his mother, Can neither understand the one, Nor comprehend the other. All things to him are clear as light ; Le ’s sure—no hesitation- That this is wrong and that is right, That bad beyond salvation ; There is no truth in earth or sky But he ’ll at once detect it— He knows that I’m a duffer—I But only half suspect it. In polities, beyond a doubt, We have no single statesman, Nor are we like to have, without A certain youthful Greatsman. Were he in office, we should see A world of peace and plenty— Well, well, I — as much as he, When I was one-and-twenty. But possibly his master-mind Won't always bear such tension, And some day he may something find Beyond his comprehension ; And when he’s tried his wares to show, And finds the world won’t buy ’em, My genius perhaps will grow As great a fool as I am. In an asylum at Boston, there were re- | cently eleven men who imagined themselves | each to be the German Emperor. It is not — whether they knew that they were | mad. A “HOW’L” AT SURREY. [(**W. D. Howe made a sensational déhut for the Australians against Surrey at the Oval by taking ten wickets for twenty-eight runs,”’”— Daily Paper.} Tone— Ten Little Nigger Boys.” ELEVEN little Surrey boys going in to play, Howe. went on and ten boys were they. Ten little Surrey boys trying hard to shine, HowEtt kept on and soon a were nine, Nine little Surrey boys in parlous state, eee - still trundling turned them to eight. Eight little Surrey boys left from eleven, HowEL.t reduced them quickly to seven. Seven sad Surrey boys all in a fix, A “break from the off” and HowgLt made ’em six. Six little Surrey boys scarcely alive, A “head ” ball from Howett and then they were five. Five little Surrey boys feeling very sore, A fast one from Howg.t and then they | were four. Four little Surrey boys quite ‘‘ up a tree,” “C and b Howg.iit” made the number three. Three little Surrey boys awfully “ blue,” HowEtt bowled Ciopg, and then there were two. Two little as | boys tried to stop the rout, Howe tt bowled one and the side was all out. SOMETHING INSTEAD. BeFore the International Peace Congress gets really to work it would be well to have the moot point settled, Who is running it? Is it the Tsar or Mr. Steap? From para- graphs appearing in some of the papers— ‘IT wonder how these things get into the papers,” said Mr. Crummles—it would seem tbat the Tsar of All the Russias plays second fiddle, whilst the author of The Maiden Tribute leads the orchestra. It would bea pity if a great and beneficent endeavour for the welfare of mankind were made ridiculous, and therefore inoperative, because no one thinks it his business to put aside a fussy Pa. There may be something inStEap esides a capacity for self-advertising. Let it be displayed in some other field. AY How, have you Mamma. “Dear me, Nelly! ) torn that great hole in your Pinafore!? It wasn't there this morning! ”’ ‘ Nelly. “Where do you suppose it was then, Mammie dear ?”’

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May 24, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Drary or Tony, M.P. House cf Commons, Monday, May 15.— We all know the fate of the pitcher that goes often to the well. Old proverb illus- trated to-night in sad case of JosEPH Watton. Many times he has thrilled House into respectful silence by disclosure of knowledge of the inner ways of China, his glib utterance of its many-syllabled names. (Sark says China hasn’t, after all, so much to boast of in this matter. Effect is cunningly worked up with hyphens, Take any sentence from a Welsh poem, dexte- rously insert hyphens, strew about capital letters, and you have something not only as unintelligible as the Chinese, but what looks quite as picturesque.) To-night, grown reckless by success, WALTON went just a syllable too far. Bombarded Sr. Joun Broprick with uestions as to report of Russia’s latest emand for what is politely called a con- cession. Is Russia scheming to construct a railway from New-Chang to Peking, thus connecting it with the railway going south- ward to Pao-Ting, so that Russian troops on the march of conquest southward may, at ease, cool their feet in the basin of the Yangtse? This went off very well, at first essay. It was Pao-Ting that choked off the Yorkshire member who has “ travelled ex- tensively in India, Burma, and Africa.” Rising a third time to fire off his question at trembling target of Under-Secretary for Foreign Affairs, Pao-Ting stuck in his throat. Only a moment, but sufficient to give SpgakER his opportunity. Up like a shot. Ruled that hon. member was going beyond limits of a question. Literal truth is, he was struggling to get inside them. All the same, WALTON sat down, and Sr. Jonn Broprick breathed again. Business done.—Another cheerful evening with London Government Bill. House of Lords, Tuesday.—Regret to find noble Lords pecking at each other just as if Orr ror THE Hoipays, Toby, M.P., takes leave of the Speaker’s Secretary. (Mr. E. G-lly.) “SPORTING WITH AG-R ELL-S (AND CO.) IN THE SHADE.” (Another web-full for the wily old spy-der of Pretoria.) the flimsy disguise of the black cloak, the wig, the patched eye, and the vain assump- tion of Italian accent. The Marxtss chiefly anxious to avoid scandal. they were common mortals. In Committee on Metropolitan Water Bill; Lord Jamzs in charge ; moves to omit Clause 3 inserted by Select Committee presided over by Lord RIBBLESDALE. Lord TwrEpMouTH toox| ‘‘The noble Lord's presence,” he said, liberty of ee remarks in — of | ‘seems to have been as mysterious and clause. This reckless conduct forced James | important as the Secret dossier, but I think oF HereErorpD’s hand. Had long known) noble Lords may: dismiss it from their TWEEDMOUTH'S guilty secret. Came down | minds ” to House without intention of disclosing it ; disposed rather to carry it with him to) the grave. Tu l’as voulu, George Dandin | Marijoribanks. | “ What,” says Lord James, sternly regard- | ing culprit across the Table, ‘‘ was the noble | Lord doing in the Committee room whilst | the Water Bill was under discussion ? ”’ Blood forsook the countenance of the | arraigned peer, as the tide ebbs from the | feet of the ancient town whence he derives | his territorial dignity. The scanty Opposi- | tion huddled together as sheep forewarned of coming storm. What fearful charge underlay this many ? What terrible con- | fession was the House about to hear ? Staggering to his feet, holding on to the Table for support, TwEEDMoUTH hoarsely whispered, “‘1 was there for an hour and twenty minutes, but——.”” Here the audi- ence, scarcely less affrighted than the) accused, strained their ears to catch the almost inaudible whisper— simply as a spectator.” “The noble Lord,” said the accuser, | sternly, ‘‘ was giving moral support to the | Chairman of the Committee.” | This brought Lord Rrssiespawez to the | front, with gallant assurance that ‘my | noble friend gave me no moral support.” —_| At this point, disturbed by unwonted sounds, the Marktss, who had sweetly slept through James or Hgrerorp’s Episcopal charge in moving rejection of clause, woke | up, hurriedly acquainted himself with pur port of conversation, and assumed function of peacemaker. “Tur BREAK-UP OF BowLEs.”’ ; The gallant Car’en Tommy having almost Lord TWEDMOUTH'’S | reached the ‘irreducible minimum’’ in the matter a in Committee room not denied ; | of limbs, has now been “decimated to the extent een eye of JAMES OF HEREFORD had pierced | of’’—one Aye!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 24, 1899, | PRIVATE VIEWS: MOSTLY ne UNPOPULAR. SSS aS Viana (From Mr. Punch’s Vagrant.) Ei SS! bo ley UP No. I1.—Emprre Makgrs. eH I Nis Se Ir I had a gon (but I haven't got one, ~ iy eth Se SS Which I state in order to counteract M(H! | } | ? Vell Zi Mh il BM Als Ah ip" | “You CAN'T SIT THERE, Mum. THESE HEI ‘You DONT SEEM TO BE AWARE THAT 4 nT ull Maa ut fh | h pi Mi Aker tropRins Ny | } \" t y My ay, a tip as N \ we dh Zs a ee {| if = yl tiliNi k IIl| cope ditt Mh \\ ||| | My tif! ( ! | ei = : Bait) hi ‘ | Win Hl 1) a { A i it i | / ‘ | ih :@ SEATS ARE RESERVED.” I’M ONE OF THE Directors’ WIvEs!” ‘* AND IF YOU WAS HIs ONLY WIFE, Mum, I COULDN’T LET YOU SIT HERE.” Avowedly they did. At least, no more said, but among the mysteries enfolded in the broad bosom of the dying Nineteenth Century will ever remain the purpose of Lord TwsEpMouTH’s visit to the chamber in which sat the Select Committee on the Metropolitan Water Bill. Business done.— Dramatic scene in House of Lords. Lord James or HEREFORD un- masks Lord TwegpMouTH. Friday. — Capital title ‘‘ Our” Lord CHARLES BeReEsForRD has for his voluminous circular describing his business trip to the Far East. The Break-Up of China he calls it. CHARLIE is himself though China fall. Amongst many shrewd observations is one summing up his conclusions of what should be British policy with respect to China. ‘**T hold that to break up a dismasted craft, the timbers of which are stout and strong, is the policy of the wrecker for his own gain. The real seaman tows her into dock aod refits her for another cruise.” Thus Cap’en Tommy Bow res. having received fresh injury in his daily fight, has arranged to be towed into dock for the Whitsun Recess, coming out spick and span, | the corner seat above gangway, where, like Providence, he sits up aloft and watches over Jack Tar Joxim and other of Her Majesty’s Ministers. A leg lost at Trafalgar, an arm shot clean away at Navarino, his | best white ducks perforated in the rear | with the only grape-shot fired off Bomar- sund, it seemed that Fate had done its | worst to the veteran. Last Friday night, |in Committee of Ways and Means on the | Budget Bill, he, as all the world knows, came out of the Division Lobby with only one “ Aye.” There is a good deal of talk about the amen of China. In the comparative leisure of the Recess let the civilised world — and shed a tear over the partition of | Tommy Bow tes. | Business done—House adjourned for the Whitsun R-cess. “CHEZ TATA.” [* Mr. and Mrs. Tata,”’ the two Indian subjects ‘of more than ordinary iuterest,’’ now on a visit to this country. ] UnrortunaTE names for English hospi- | The charge that the verse I indite is not one | Which is based on fancy and not on fact. For I know there ’s a kind of necromancy Which enables a reader at once to guess That an article based on the merest fancy Is nothing but facts in a fancy dress, So I state it again as a final judgment, This declaration about my son, Which is certainly not in the least for fudge meant,— | I haven’t a son, Sir, no not one). | But if I were a father (some day I may be), I never should hesitate at all: I should train my innocent babbling baby To the making of Empires large or small. The education would not be easy ; But what,of that? It’s a great career: You start on a slope that’s nice and greasy, And, whizz! you’ve amillion orsoa year. If any one ventures to say “ Jehannum! | Who’s this that rushes ?”’ you just reply: ‘‘T’m running up Empires, tot por annum ; Join in, if you like, or I’}l pass you by.” I should hire a Professor of Shares to lecture, With a model ‘‘ House”’ as a Jecture-room, On water-tight methods that best ccnnect your Particular gain with a pubic boom, With a slight ercursus on, say, unloading Shares of a value of all-my-eye ; And a word (to the wise) on a plan for goading ‘the public fools to a rush to buy. We should teach the art, which perhaps is rarest In a world where the things that are seem best, | Of making that dividend look fairest Which is never declared, but always guessed. | For toys he’d give him those well-known | toy ducks That are bought and sold, though the Times rebukes, A couple or so of gilt decoy-ducks, Spelt in the latest style as ‘‘ dukes.” Then I’d send the lad to a place near Iceland, Where he'd plant a flag and construct 4 town, | And write to his friends of his cold but nice an As “another gem for the British Crown.” ““You may take my word,” he would add, “T'll pledge it To an promens, bey a golden heap; _ And the ocean here if you only dredge it, | | You can wallow in nuggets ankle deep.’ He ’d call it ‘‘ The British Arctic Regions,” | And form a company high in price, _ | And Britain would send her sons in legions To search for gold in a land of ice. If he grabbed by a trick some neighbouring cold State | No loss of credit would make him sore: “Tt’sonly,” he'd say, “a rich, dull, old State ; I’m Empire-making and nothing more |So they ’d make him an Earl, all gay and belted, refitted for another cruise when House tality to exercise itself upon. Nosoonerhas| And rich as Rorascuicp or Mr. Bair, meets _— Long his war-worn, weather- | a host welcomed Mr. Tata with ‘‘ How d’ye | And sing his praise till the icebergs melted, beaten figure has lent pathetic interest to 'do,” than he must add “‘ Ta Ta.” | And the Empire went to the Ewigkeit. —