Punch 1899-05-17: Vol 116

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ut May 17, 1899.] bo bo o is i. q Y) 4 ij y) SSS SESS Cabby (on receiving his legal fare). ‘‘ Hou, YER HA YARD HOR TWO FURTHER FOR THIS ’ERE!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL eee YR AME Se WE A WONDERFUL FLUID. [Ina lecture at the Royal Institution on “ Pictures rocuced on Photographic Plates in the Dark,’ | jr, W. J. Russell stated truat Punch uses ink of | very great activity, which makes a most emphatic | and unmistakable impression. | | You whose carks and cares of life, Weary toil or wordy strife, ~ Still depress your courage weak ; To such ills as a corrective If a “ pick-me-up” you seek Warranted to prove effective, When your pad spirits sink Try a little **‘ Punch’s Ink.” *Tis with many a virtue fraught, Quip and crank and ‘‘ happy thought,” From hard facts it strikes a spark (Though their substance dull and gross is), Wit from dulness, light from dark It evolves by magic process ; Makes on natures though phlegmatic An impression most emphatic. Then, take heart! my feeble verse Though its merits to rehearse You employ a pen that’s dipt In the common garden juices, Faintly though in manuscript You attempt to prove its uses, From the * proof’’ you need not shrink When arrayed in ** Punch’s Ink.” Tae Crown Prince of Germany is learning carpentry, and proves an apt pupil. When he grows up he will be able to make and unmake Cabinets as well as his father. ii) ) 1 | ] | PRAY STEP HIN AGIN, Sir. HI c'’D HA’ DRUV PRIVATE VIEWS: MOSTLY UNPOPULAR. No. I.—SHoutine MILuionaliRgs. I HAVE come to the conclusion that I want to be a millionaire. There is, of course, nothing original in this desire: mullions of men before me have had the same wish, and some of them have gone so far as to gratify it. They have been urged on to their desperate deeds chiefly, no doubt, by the mere desire for money in the first place, and secondly by the force of habit which has driven them submissively along the money-making road when once they had got fairly started upon it. But I do not want to beeccm2 a millionaire gradually: the mere process of acquiring sovereigns, bank-notes, bonds, stock, scrip, balances, companies, manufactories, parasites, butlers, ouses, pictures, carpets, statues, and news- papers, has no attraction for me. At the end, on finding myself in full possession of all these luxuries, I should probably find myself a doddering veteran with no power left to me of enjoying even the adulation of a stock - jobber. No; I want to be a millionaire now, while I am still vigorous and fresh, without the least delay, and my reason is that I notice there are more aragraphs devoted to millionaires by our | aily press than to any other phenomenon of the Century. | How glorious it must be to know that | you cannot turn over in bed, or turn over | your money, or turn an epigram, or do any | other of the many possible turns without having the astounding fact chronicled by | an army of reporters concealed for purposes of promptitude and convenience in every | art of your house and your accustomed | aunts. You launch a new gospel, and | behold. every leader-writer becomes your | evangelist. You found an institute, and are ry glorified. You double your capital, and every morning paper hails you | as a Saviour of Society. You take a driving | tour, or compile a blustering democratic farrago of intiated rubbish in the shape of a book, -_“ ou get a = one of your | coaching deeds, and a column of review on the bo at publication. Not even a prepos- ‘SEATS OF THE MIGHTY.—No. XV. oe > > — ee —— ng. | Tne AspuL uN-Easy CHAIR. ishmen an cotchmen to upse e | ° i i cco is P Monarchy and become even asthe Brazilians, | —_ papel ool ested en can alienate your admirers. Great are the Kicsk. It was much damaged in Armenia, buc uses of advertisement backed by millions Of was newly upholstered and greatly strengthened money. Therefore I desire to be a million- | two years ago by a Greek artist. it is now going aire. Am I wrong? Yours, to the Peace Conference, where it may be altered THe VAGRANT. | according to some novel designs of Wriu1aM II. CONnrtpaNnCl VOL. CXVI,

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—_—___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 17, 1899, Th A ROW IN THE PARROT-HOUSE. ve Compl ILB-anvm-n Bird, “Wat A Noise THEY RE MAKING! I CAN HARDLY HEAR MYSELF SHRIEK !”

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May 17, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 231 THE BITTER CRY OF LORD NORTHAMPTON. [The Marquis of NoRTHAMPTON, in proposing the toast of “ The Institute of Journalists ”’ recently, is reported to have said that, “It was one of the saddest points of our national character at the present moment that wit and humour, at all events in literature, seem to have departed. He asked in vain for a book, a story, or a newspaper, which would make him smile, which would make him laugh.’’] I. A GLoom o’erspreads the Nation’s brow, Which bears the seal of sadness stamped on. Its humourists no longer now Arride the Marquis of NortHamprTon ! Il, With modern efforts to amuse Still would he conscientious tussle— But no devices authors use Can make the Marquis move a muscle! Ill. To daily papers he descends, Searching for Humour every column; But over none of them unbends, Becoming more profoundly solemn. IV. The comic journals next he tries, Compares, and sadly scrutinises— Only to spot with eagle eyes Old chestnuts under new disguises ! Vv. For ‘‘ Funny Men”’ have grown so dull, E’en Titled Persons find them boring! Useless as Mr. Yorick’s skull To set their dinner-tables roaring. VI. And last he burns the midnight oil O’er Fiction, (for he ’s bent on frivolling !) Tries Kiptinc, Barriz, Horr, and DoyLE— But finds them dreary, if not drivelling! VI. His belted sides refuse to split, In fact, he grows the heavier-hearted ; The obvious inference is that Wit And Humour must have both departed ! VIII. And that our stores of Fun are spent, Of jokes no journalist can do more And every “literary gent” Is lacking in the sense of humour IX, Of galety the world ’s bereft, If sense of humour once forsake it ; One solitary Marquis left To see a joke—with none to make it! te With yearning he is grey and grim To laugh until his ton is epee. Will no one write a tale for him To make him smile—or even simper ? XI. Where is that bold new humourist, With tilting-helm securely clamped on, hose lance may, by some dexterous twist, Succeed in tickling Lord NorTHAMPTON ? RATHER A Larce OrpEer.—“ Wanted, to buy a Jungle, in good condition.” This is evidently the advertisement of a millionaire ; ut why advertise in the Birmingham Dail Post? “A colonial newspaper, we shoul have thought, would have been more to the purpose. Tax most important dossier in the DrevFus case is that which contains documents, the missing Uncle Tom, *‘GENERAL STORRS IS ONE OF THE BRAVEST MEN THAT EVER LIVED.” ” Bobbie. “*1 DON’T BELIEVE IT, UNCLE; WHY, I HEARD HIM TELL MAMMA AT DINNER LAST NIGHT THAT HE WAS AFRAID OF PLUM PUDDING! ,” THEATRICAL NOVELTIES. MANAGER FROHMAN intends, so it is said, to bring over a company from America with Miss Mauve Apawms to play Juliet “for one week only” in London, | then back again to New York. The next newest thing will | be a Transatlantic Theatrical Company’s | Steamer, with theatre built up inside com- | plete, boxes, stalls, dress circle, gallery, and | pit, on the self-preserving equilibrium plan, | so that in the roughest weather a perform- ance can be given and enjoyed by an audience of passengers without moving from their seats. Pieces will have good runs round the world, fresh audiences embarking at different ports, and returning by another steamer, playing a different programme. There can be tragedy steamers, comedy steamers, and Shakspearian and Variety steamers of all sorts. Good orchestras. Critics not to be given free passes: and new pieces brought out for the first time in mid- ocean. Perhaps Mr. Frouman is already in consultation with some eminent ship- building firms in the North, and will com- mence his first sea-tour with The Tempest, and Still Waters Run Deep for the second night. The Wreck Ashore must not be in the programme. TO AN OLD TUNE. In the merry month of May ake care, Beware! The weather ’s so fickle! You Change to clothes for Summer day, So thin! Then Win- -ter winds will tickle you. Because the traffic in the City has become increasingly congested, it has been decided to send seventy-three more men into it. How will that help to reduce the crowding ? Well, you see, the seventy-three men are all constables First Man in the Street. Isn’t Cxrcrn RHODES quite a NAPOLEON ? Second Man. Well, he ‘“‘ goes Nap”’ any- how; and as to bons a part,—he knows all about that. A “May Megetine.”—It is hoped that Mr. Kricer and Sir A. MILNER may meet. Some promise in this May. ** SomETHING ON Foort.’’—A boot.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 17, 1899, 4 tPF “Vb ey We CONTROVERSIAL. Cyclist. ‘‘A’ CANNA UNDERSTAND IT, MEENISTER. A’ Minister. ‘‘ FREE-WEELL, INDEED |! NEVER THOUGHT TO GET A FALL WITH MY FRBE-WHEEL.” ALLOO ME TO TELL YE, FRIEND, YERE THEOLOGY ’S AS BAD AS YER® RIpING !” A THOROUGHBRED. After “* A Double Thread ” (by the author of ‘* Concerning Isabel Carnaby”’). ‘‘NorHinc in a woman, my dear ETHELFRIDA, betrays such lack of social savoir faire as the habit of telling fibs,” said Lady WotverHAmpTon. ‘No sensible man ever believes that a woman | means what she says; avd that makes it so much safer to tell the truth. That’s how I married WotverHaAmprton. I told him I | had never cared for any man, and he at once became jealous—as I meant he should. If a woman ever becomes a bishop-elect it will be quite useless for her to say, ‘ Non volo episcopare.’”’ “By your ladyship’s leave, is it not ‘ Nolo episcopari’?” said Lord BATHBRICK. “If you were not a man, BaTHsRIck,”’ replied Lady Wotver- HAMPTON, ‘‘ you would know that knowledge of the Classics is such bad form in a woman; almost like working for your living. | But, talking of the sexes, I wonder, ErHetrripa, that you have | never married any one. It seems such an oversight ; the sort of thing that is inexcusable in a well-bred girl.” The heiress turned a cynical eye upon her visitor. “It would be worth while to be a beggar-maid,” she said, “if one | could make sure of being taken in to dinner by CopHertva. As it is, I am modest enough to believe that my money is the only reason for my popularity.” ‘* And a very good reason too, my dear,’’ said Lady WoLvsr- HAMPTON, “if you must have one; though there is nothing so unreasonable as a good reason. No man ever yet married a woman for herself, seeing that he could have no possible means of knowing what her actual self was like. They marry us for our hair, or our faces, or the virtues they think we have, or the money of which they are quite certain. And none of these, not even our hair, is an essential part of our permanent selves.” ’ “But I thought, dear lady,” interrupted Lord Barusrick, ‘that you always said your husband married you for yourself.” ‘* There you are wrong, Batusrick. It was J who married him. I got quite a respect for him through never noticing him when he was there, or being able to remember what he was like when he was away. An excellent test of good style. Your well-bred person should have no manners; none, at least, perceptible to the | eye. Just as when you ask a man what sort of gown a woman was wearing at a ball, it has always escaped his notice, unless it was either overdone or underdone. And that reminds me that I could never see either sense or grammar in the saying, Manners maketh man. Man is born that way, he isn’t made.’ ‘* Non sit, in fact,” suggested Lord BATHBRICK. ‘TI can’t imagine, my dear ADELINE,” said ETHELFRIDA, with her slight nasal drawl, ‘‘how you contrive to say all those clever things on the spur of the moment. How do you do it? I’m always trying.” ** Don’t be satirical, my dear,” said Lady WoLverHamprTon ; “it is bad manners, and doesn’t suit your child-like cast of coun- tenance. The thing is so simple that it is naturally inexplicable. I just jot down these little jeux d’esprit as I work them out in bed, or at church, or when WotvernampTon is talking to me; and then I run through them before paying calls or receiving a No impromptu ever has a true air of spontaneity unless it has been ‘ made at leisure.’ ”’ ‘** A most original paradox, my lady,” said Lord BaTHBRICK. — ‘“‘T wish, BATABRICK, you would not keep on throwing my title in my teeth,” said Lady WotverHampTon. ‘ Such things are taken for granted and never mentioned among well-bred people. They ought to resemble the abstract noun in the definition of the sm board-school girl: ‘An abstract noun is a thing that every one knows of but nobody talks about—like Mary’sleg.’ Asfor paradoxes, I begin to fear their mode is passed; the latest piquancy is only to be found in truisms. Nowadays, if you say in the good old-

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ne es, ld- May 17, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. fashioned manner, ‘Charity is the one unpardonable sin,” nobody pretends not to understand you; whereas if you say, ‘ There is nothing so essentially feminine as a woman,’ people suspect a hidden meaning and try to conceal their uncomfortableness.” “ But how do you manage,” asked ETHELFRIDA, “to run off all these epigrams in the course of a conversation without any appa- rent solution of logical continuity ?”’ : “Tact, my dear, tact. To absorb the conversation yourself is a sign of ill-breeding ; nice people reach the same result by ignoring interruption ; or, what is better still, and corresponds to the sleight- | of-band by which a card is forced, you compel the others involun- tarily to lead up to your next remark. This is easy enough in books | where the author has it all his own way; but in real life it requires | tact, as I just now observed.” j , “But suppose you found yourself conversing with somebody | possessed of equal tact?” asked ETHELFRIDA, with that slight air | of ennui which is characteristic of spoilt women of the world. “T never do,” said Lady WotverHamptTon. “It would be too tiresome sitting there like a Christy Minstrel with a black face saying funny things in your turn.” “Yes,” said Lord Barusrick, “ and beginning every time with ‘That reminds me of a story.’”’ “T know: and it never really does remind them. What they mean is, ‘ Your stupid interruption nearly put my next good story out of my head. It was about, &c.’”’ “T wonder,” said EtTseirripa, with a touch of bitterness at the thin end of her tongue, ‘‘that you have never written a book. It would be so very clever.” ‘“* My dear,” said Lady WotverHampton, ‘I can’t afford to do it. It would be like killing the goose that lays the oof. Besides, it might have a vulgar success; and that would be so tiresome. And then I could never manage the plot. You see, well-bred people hardly ever have plots in their lives. The very word always makes me think of a kitchen garden in a pauper’s allotment. I once had an idea about a girl like yourself, blest with all the good things of life, inclujing a pretty face and a long tongue, with which she lashed every lover whom she suspected of wanting her money. But at last the real Dan Cupid, as she called him, came her way. He was quite a nice boy, and sound on vaccination and that sort of thing, but he fought shy of her money and her long tongue. She had never been in love before, and she was much too clever to understand how so easy a thing is done. So she thought she would get a testimonial of his honesty, as if he were applying for a place as butler.” “Or cook ?””’ suggested Lord BaTusBrIck. “Or cook, as you say. But don’t interrupt me, BAaTHBRICcK. Well, she gave out that she had a destitute twin sister, hoplessly estranged, and no better than she should be. This twin was the speaking image of her, only dressed dowdily, and with her hair done just anyhow. And the nice boy met the penniless girl and fell in love with her. Twin No. 1 had only got to frumple her hair, put on a misfit and shorten her tongue, and she was trans- formed, as by magic, into twin No.2; and the nice boy would never have found out that there was only one of them, if she had not confessed. And then he was sick to death at the trick and said she was no gentlewoman. You know how touchy men are on these ridiculously trivial points of honour.” “Yes, I know,” said ETHELFRIDA; ‘“‘ whereas you, dear, would consider that you had been untrue to your feminine instincts if any man suspected you of having scruples.” ady WOLVERHAMPTON took a short breath abstractedly. “ Well,” she continued, “ the girl apologised ; which, of course, no womanly girl would ever do; with the result that he ran away and went on with being a soldier somewhere in India. Oh, of course she got him back all right in the last chapter ; but the whole thing was too absurd for words. Not that that matters much with the public: they forgive an improbably stupid plot, if only the dialogue is impossibly clever ; which mine | was. But, as I said, I found I could not afford to publish all my | best epigrams, with openings to match. And that reminds me that I must be off, as I have some people to dinner, and there is & new phrase-book to run through. Good-bye, my dear; so many thanks for your charming conversation. Come along, BATHBRICK.” OPERATIC NOTES. Monday, May 8.—House crammed. It is the opening night. | Lohengrin. H.R.H. present and all the Directors. Everybody pleased with themselves, performance, and with everybody else. orus perhaps a little unsatisfactory, but principals first-rate. A charmin ly sympathetic Elsa (a débutante with a future before her), and the great Hungarian tenor in fine fcrm and in perfect voice. Lohengrin always popular. Good commencement. Tuesday.—Absence of apy particular wind instrument from ‘*I’M GOING TO THE FLAREUPs’ ‘ AT HomE’ TO-MORROW NIGHT.” ‘*Wuy, ALL THE Nosopies oF LONDON GO THERE!” ‘HAVE YOU BEEN YET, DEAR?” orchestra not noticeable, but one of them must have got round to the front—a trumpet perhaps playing blasts of its own accord—as there was an ‘“‘eager and a nipping air”’—a courant d’air—about the installed legs. Whence? It was an ill wind that blew no particular good to any one, as it had blown away Royalty and left only a few of the swell regulars and regular swells, also Sir Cuartes Haut-there-when-the-bell-rings in the Omnibus, with ~— MANCINELLI as conductor. Strange how the once fresh delights of Cavalleria Rusticana begin to pall upon one. or two, or more for the matter of that. Herr Dippgt, as T'uriddu (name always sounding like commencement of comic chorus and be- longing to a character who ought to be opposed to Tolderol), was much and deservedly applauded. Mme. Louts—e Homer-Sweet- Homer was a fascinating Lola, and Mlle. Strakoscu a good Santuzza. But....alas!.... ForO,ForO! Cavalleria is under ordinary circumstances played out; and so is Pagliacci. Miss MacpoNnaLpD was a captivating Nedda; but whether her voice can ‘‘carry over,” as they say in the City, as far as it is wanted to go in Covent Garden, is questionable. Wednesday.—A Bizet night. Carmen. ZE.L1& DE Lussan better than ever, and, take her for all in all, it is doubtful whether, in this particular réle, we shall ever look upon or hear her like again. A good performance altogether, especiaily the Escamillo of Mons. ALBERS, who sang and acted splendidly. Thursday.—There’s an improvement in the stageing and lighting, though it needs a good deal of the very best electricity to lighten the Wagnerian Tristan und Isolde. Much enlightenment every way is necessary. Herr Mortrtn conducted; and JEAN DE RESzkE sang and acted Tristan excellently well. Herr Van Rooy was Kurwenal, which sounds like the name of a low bred dog of chap who is at the service of the highest bidder, a Cur-venal. (Hush! enter Wagnerian policeman in search of pun-maker. Exit with- out finding him. We breathe again!) Herr PrinGue good, and Mme. Litvinne as Isolde makes a most decided hit. How is her name pronounced? Waaey says “ Lit-vinne” is “‘ Light wine,” but this we venture to doubt. Friday.—Good old Faust to finish the week. So the first syndi- cate season of the Opera commences well, but nothing very startling up tonow. ‘A time will come,” and a time too when Warbling Wacunn has Wanished.

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[May 17, 1899, Z \ r i \ y= bd - AT A SUBSCRIPTION DANCE. Mrs. Gushington. ‘* AND so You 'RE IN THE CrviL SERVICE! Wuicu DEPARTMENT?” Mr Potts. ‘‘Tae Grocery.” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Messrs. James and Horace, of the great English Smrra family, distinguished themselves from other Smitus by writing a volume of such really wonderful parodies as has secured the duration of the Smita Brothers’ fame beyond the period ordinarily considered in the history of literature as “immortality.” Excepting this solitary achievement there is very little that is really noteworthy in their pleasantly-written and very readable biography by Mr. Beavan (Hurst anp BLAckETT). ** Frank died quite conscious and quite, quite free from anxiety, though he left me with two helpless children, and one unborn, and very little money and no friends.”’ Here, in a sentence, we have, my Baronite says, the keynote of the Life of Mrs. Oliphant, edited by Mrs. Harry CoGuttu, published by Buackwoop. [FRANK was Mrs. OLIPHANT’s husband. In spite of the taint of consump- | tion, he married a hapless girl, and had three children, who after | worrying the mother almost to death, died of the hereditary | disease. Ifa man were to, inevitably if not deliberately, encompass | the death of three innocent children by other means, he might | be hanged. But the law has no provision for this not uncommon case. As for Mrs. OxrpHant, she slaved daily, ‘‘ keeping” every- | body, including two worthless sons, whom she pinched henall to send first to Eton, then to Oxford. The book has not the literary value of the Lives earlier published of some of Mrs. OnirHant’s compeers. She went very little into society, had no interesting circle of correspondents, and her own letters are chiefly filled with more or less pleasing incidents connected with the infancy and boyhood of ‘‘ my Tippy,” and “ my Cgecco.” Others are addressed to her publishers, urging the need of money to keep this dreadful family going. Incidentally these latter reveal the true-heartedness and generosity of the BLackwoops, brought out in fuller detail in Mrs. OurpHaNT’s history of the House. ‘“ Whatever record leaps to light they never can be shamed.” Mrs. Cocutut has, doubtless, done the best with the means at her disposal. But whilst the book lacks the peculiar attraction and charm looked for in kindred works, it has one all its own in telling the story of a patient, courageous woman’s life. In all her novels, Mrs. OLIPHANT has not revealed so sad a human story as is set forth in the chapters of autobiography that preface the collection of Letters. A delightful old-world flavour, compounded of Scotch sea- captains, prim domesticity, quilts, presses, napery, and innocent | simplicity was wafted about me when I made the acquaintance of | Miss Nanse (author, Saran TyTierR, publisher, Joun Long). | Soon, however, the simplicity and the innocence were disturbed | by the appearance on the scene of a gorgeous little Indian princess, |married to a brutal Scot, who cruelly ill-treats her. Her short, | unhappy life moves one to pity for her, to hatred of her husband. | Also there appear two nabobs back from India, the coarse brothers |of Miss Nanse and Miss Matty.. But I have no space to do more | than say that the story is interesting and delightful, abounding in |unforced humour and knowledge of human nature. It is a | pleasure to read the book, for it is the work of an artist whose | touch is always delicate, and whose skill and sympathy never fail. Permit the Baron to recommend Mr. Passingham, by Tuomas |CopB(JoHNn Lang). Itis asimple yet absorbingly interesting story, only an episode in a life-time, admirably told, mainly in crisp dramatic ys doy without a note of false sentiment. The characters speak themselves; and an uncommonly good account they give The moral is that ‘‘ Society's’ absolution is | granted to any contravener of the moral law if he be of sufficient | wealth and importance to pay Society's price. Voila tout. Tue Baron vE B.-W. for | of themselves, too. Socréré Equgstre bE L’Errier.—The Daily Graphic last week gave us a picture of mounted equestrians, representing ladies and entlemen who are members of “the Stirrup Club” in Paris. his sounds more imperialist than revolutionary. The ——- idea was always connected with the prancing horse. At all events it is not a revolutionary body; it is a ‘Stirrup Club,” not a “Stir Up” Club. To the members we drink a “ Stirrup Cup”!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 17, 1899. eH \ NSS yo ~ XN Wy, a _ — SWAIIM/ Se “WAKE HIM UP!” Farmer Bort. “IF THAT DOG OF YOURS CAN’T KEEP THE SHEEP FROM STRAYING, I MUST GET YOU ANOTHER!”

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4 a | i : May 17, 1899.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 237 | Tom (who has dined). ‘‘Do MIND WHERE YOU ARE GOING! You 'LL BE TREADING ON MY PAIN DIRECTLY !” TO PARIS AND BACK, “ Parigi! Ocara!” Paris! Odear! uncommonly dear, too, if you do the thing in style and put up at that truly splendid and luxurious hotel qui s’appelle “Ritz.” The name in English is suggestive rather of bailiffs, debtors, legal proceedings, an | Forty or tifty francs per diem for a lodging chez Ritz, however luxurious, is just a franc or so beyond what even the extra-ordinary voyageur is inclined to go. I should want a hundred loan power crane to raise that amount. Now, how would I parcel out the Hotel Ritz? On consideration, thus:—Au premier, Emperors and Empresses, &c.; au dewxiéme, Kings and Queens ; au troisiéme, Princes and Royal Highnesses generally ; au quatriéme, Dukes, kc. ; and so on up to the top storey. As to where ordinary Marquises and Barons would come in, well—that’s quite another storey. The less exalted the rank the higher the étage. My advice is, become a number in any reasonable hotel, and then be free to breakfast and dine out where you will. Don’t forget, amid your numerous engagements, to breakfast once or twice at la brasseris- restaurant Mollard en face de la Gare St. Lazare, and to dine at the Restaurant Marguery, next to the Gymnase. Such is your friend’s straight tip. I have exclaimed as above “ Parigi! O cara!” but I must alter my song to**O Paris! Untidy!”? The untidiness of the boulevards! For three days, morning, noon, and night, the Boulevard des Italiens, on the left-hand side going towards the Porte St. Denis, was strewn with torn paper, just as if there had been an autumn fall of book leaves and newspaper cuttings. No brightness nor smartness, though the weather was lend. As to the thoroughfares, they were all more dangerous than ever, in consequence of motor cars at high eam, and bicyclists at top speed, being added to the reckless ving of cochers, which is far worse than that of the most dashing hansom cabman who, but for the police, would make our London crossings fatal to life and limb. What is crossing the Atlantic to crossing from one side of the boulevards to the other, or even from getting safely from the Café de la Paix to the corner of the Boulevard des Capucines? So many Frenchmen are décorés; is there a bit of red riband given for saving life at street-crossings, or for gallantry in escorting females through the perils of a Parisian thoroughfare ? The few sergents de ville to whom is confided the control (!) of the traffic at certain points, do it after the manner of good fairies in pantomime commanding a transformation, and getting a great effect out of the adept use of an awkward-looking magic wand, in the shape of one of our constable’s staves, only coloured white. But the constables are not always on the crowded spots, and there are a majority of crowded spots where there are no constables. Well, say what you like about “gay Paree,” but le me Peebles for pleasure.” _tlaving seen IRnvinG perform the marvellous feat of transforming himeelf into a semblance of the great NAPOLEON, I was curious to earn how CoqugLin would make Fimself up for the same historical personage at various epochs of his career. Ahem! Whether as the Republican General, or as the Emperor in M. BerGcerat’s Plus que Reine, M. Coqurtin, as Napoleon, is more CoQquELIN than ever. Mme. JANE HapDING as Joantine is admirable. It is but a poor play at best, with a tawdry, waxworkian, spectacular | effect: of Josephime’s coronation. Then at the Vaudeville there is | another indifferent piece, Madame de Lavaletie, by M. Morgav, |for which the acting of Madame R&Jsang, Messieurs L&RAND, | NumeEs (admirable as Louis the Eighteenth), Maury, and of others | co-operating in a numerous cast, achieves success. Fora laugh, see La Dame de chez Maxim, by Grorcrs Feypxav, at the Nouveautés, | and not only for a laugh, it being the very broadest farce, but for a | study of _ comedy-acting on the part of M. Tarripg and all |concerned. M. Ggrmarn, the same as ever, reminds me sometimes | of TooLE, sometimes of Brouag, and he still affects the old French | tarce-actor’s peculiar style of coming, as it were, out of the picture | to take the audience into his confidence. All the actresses are ;}uncommonly good, while sprightly Mlle. Casstvz, who acts | capitally and dances and sings as well as she acts, is the very life | and soul of the absurdity. It is not a piece for the “ Jewne per- | sonne,” bien entendu ; but then so much depends on what sort of | &@ young person she may be. | Now, advice gratis, to those who are going to Paris :—Visit the Salon in the morning between 10.30 and 1.30, when there is no crowd ; but, in the afternoon, and especially should it be Summer weather, avoid the Salon, which is crowded by a mixture of all sorts at, if I remember aright, half a franc ahead. But for a few | woodland scenes, some wonderful reproductions of brass and | copper domestic utensils, and a charming picture, ‘‘ La Servante,”’ | by J. Bart, there is not any extraordinary attraction to be found | at a single visit among the three thousand works of art, exclusive |of sculpture. There is one thing satisfactory to know, and that is, | that a very fair luncheon is to be obtained on the premises at a fair price, and those gentlemen who like to spend a whole day at the Salon without being deprived of their post-luncheon cigar, can do so. So back from our few days in Paris, thankful for having escaped in safety from the reckless drivers of cabs and motors, and from hard-|the scorching bicyclists; and, grateful for a quict evening at upishness generally, than of millionairism, that is, if spelt ‘‘ Writs.” | Calais, and a dinner, not to be beaten by any restaurateur in Paris, at the Hotel Maritime, I return by the mid-day Calais-Douvres boat, set foot once again on the chalky shores of Old England, and send in this my ascount to your bureau, signing myself Le VoyaGEuR VOLATIL. THE NECESSARY KIT. [‘*A housewife will in future form part of the free kit of necessaries,’’— Army Order.) Ir ’as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man, That I couldn’t get on proper, not without yer, Sarrey ANN; Well, now ’ere’s the latest horder—just yer take a read of it— That a housewife shall be portion of the necessary kit. Oh, them horders! Oh, the shockin’ words I’ve said! But now for once, my Sarrey, I’m a-blessin’ ’em instead. Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they ’ve made a hit, For yer goin’ to be a portion of my necessary kit. Ain’t I cussed ’em! They ’re to serve out housewifes gratis, an’ I only ’opes, my pet, That they ’ll let us Tommigs choose ourselves the gals we wants to get, , ‘ , *T would be takin’ of the gildin’ off the gingerbread a bit If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit. But we ’ll ’ope the best, my Sarrey, though yer can’t for certain tell, And [ ain’t got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall, But for once they ’ve put a bullet in the bull’s eye, I ’ll admit, If they makes my Sarrey portion of my necessary kit. An ADAPTATION FROM AN OLD Farce.—In a piece played some years ago at the Gaiety, Mr. Tootz had a catch phrase which soon became popular. It was, ‘‘ Keep your eye on your father, and your father will pull you through.” This saying, with ‘* Reverend’ introduced and the plural substituted for the singular, might be applicable to the present ‘‘ ecclesiastical crisis.” Say the Bishops to distressed clergymen and aggrieved parishioners, ‘Keep your eye on your Reverend Fathers, and your Reverend Fathers will pull you through.” So mote it be! Tue following advertisement is taken from the Birmingham Daily Post :— RippLe-MakErs.—Men and youths wanted.—Apply, &c, Here ’s a chance for Conundrummers !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 17, 1899, Boatman. ‘‘I CANNA MIND A FINER FESH FOR ITS SIZE aL CONSCIENTIOUS FLATTERY. Ah PAUL’S CATHEDRAL. A Crusuine Repty. We have received from a celebrated decorator a letter of such prodigious length that it would occupy three entire numbers of this journal. It is vastly longer than a letter published in the Times of the 6th. | As we are unfortunately unable to devote so much space to this one communication, we | publish portions of it. Str,—I am not accustomed to writing and grammar has never been my strong point but now, I have let others have their say, I feel impelled to write a letter some- thing like one of Lord GriutTHorPs’s, and | which will teach them all to mind their own business though ever so much better than any letter he ever wrote. You see| I can’t bother about punctuation I just put | a comma in here, and there. (Here omit fifteen lines.] I did not care two straws, for the Ameri- can fellow but there was some Italian idiot wrote a letter to you who seemed to have | gone, clean off his head. I should like to know how any Italian dares to dictate to an Englishman or to tell you, and I what we | ought todo. At least he may tell you but not me. [Here we omit two pages.| Why I have studied painting all over the | world and then, some imbecile from Italy comes and says I don’t understand archi- | tecture. What is an architect ? Give it up ? He's a builder. When is an architect not a builder? Give it up? When he’s a/| | | ST. painter. I am a painter and one of the| greatest painters, that ever [Here we omit | thirty-one lines] and compared to who| VELASQUEZ and REMBRANDT were mere no- | bodies. [Here we omit sive and a half pages.) | Some fools seem to have a respect for | | WRrEN though he never travelled all oa | the world and could not paint even as badly as most other painters besides me for he | never went farther than Paris and of course | he liked a cold-blooded respectable bourgeois Nonconformist chilly Quaker Puritan bare- ness instead of beautiful bright green mosaics with yellow blobs and pink wall- paper patterns that the Italian fool said was like a lobster salad and now I come to think of it I remember I did have some lobster salad and a good plateful too the evening before I coloured the design of that part and that may interest you and the public generally not that I care for their | anecdote for future Lives of the Painters or | whatever they call the books and about the | greatest painter in the world also. I can’t waste time to put any commas into this. | (Here we omit nine pages.) But what I want to know is, how anybody | dares to attack me or my friend the Dean whose portrait, you can see in the Academy | and which is one of the three best or three only really good portraits there and each ainted by me which was a great honour, or the Dean as you must admit. And who are these people? All asses of course. There are architects or, more correctly builders but they only interfere because they think nobody knows anything about architecture but them, but they are just the very ones who don’t know anything about it. There are painters but what business have they to interfere with a painter? There are outsiders but they are outsiders. That settles them. So there remains no- body but me, who is going on just the same even if they yell their heads off. [Here we omit eleven pages. | If all these fools are furious I simply say, in popular slang as I said, to my friend the Dean whose portrait [Here we omit twenty lines} when he got so angry with those duffers who signed that memorial, ‘‘ Keep your hair on.” And if they answer as he did to me and which I thought was shock- ingly personal, ‘‘ Get your hair cut,” I shall reply with my accustomed dignity, “I refer it long as it makes some fools think Tom an artist,” by which I mean of course we| opinion or yours come to that as a sort of| that wise men know it already and only fools need an outward demonstration. [Here we omit eighteen pages.) Yours, &e. U. B. BLowEepMay. P.§.—I fear this letter is rather long as it is only introductory and just, meant to lead up to several much longer ones I will send you as soon, as I can get them written. Tue Latest Eart’s Cavucut ExHIsirIon. —The Marriage of Lord Crewe and Lady “ Pgacy” PRIMROSE. Darpy Jongs’s Trp FoR THE Derpy.— For et preterea nihil.

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May 17, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary or Tosy, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, May 8.—The insignificant world outside the walls of West- minster knows but little of our Sonicrror- GENERAL. He is not reported in the news- | papers, either verbally or picturesquely. If | it were otherwise the world would still be | lacking in full knowledge of one of its| greatest men. It is not only what he says | and what he does that make RosBert BANNATYNE FiInLay a power. Where he | sits and how he looks are also matters of | import. Sark remembers it was ever thus in quite altered circumstances. Years ago, when | the dust of the earthquake still floated over | the wreck of the Liberal Party, the member | for Inverness preserved his old seat imme- | diately behind the Front Opposition Bench, to which Mr. G. had been relegated. Not the least great of Mr. G.’s magnanimities | was the manner in which he bore without | sign of resentment the desertion of old friends and colleagues. Curious exception made in case of Finutay. If he ventured to interpose in debate Mr. G. turned upon him with the particular blazing light in his eyes Mr. Lecky discovered and recorded. Ina rare burst of anger he once in private con- versation described the seceder as “ sitting with his knees in our backs.” To-day the ex-Liberal member for the Inverness Burghs sits in the opposite camp, his contiguity as comforting to Princzk ARTHUR as it was disturbing to Mr. G. He does not often rom but his mere presence suffuses over the Treasury Bench an atmosphere of legal lore and personal respectability worth more than £6,000 a year and fees. When he does speak he goes right to the point, wasting no words on the way. To-night Committee on London Govern- ment Bill suddenly found itself confronted by what in his absence might have proved fatal difficulty. Amendment moved pro- viding that a two-thirds majority present at a meeting of a borough council should actually vote on proposal to make elections triennial. A cautious member appealed to law officers of the Crown for legal definition | of the word “ present.”’ SoLicrToR-GENERAL on his feet in a moment. | “The word present,” he said, ‘ means | present.” “Do I believe that this here Son and | Heir’s gone down, my lads,” said Captain Mr. Solicitor “ Bunsby.”” “The word present means present !”” (Sir R-b-rt F-nl-y. ) yo’ ™\ ‘a \ SQ SSS > _ ——— ‘Ys er 4 Ne ane wR ype oa A FUTURE CHAMPION, The Old Hand, “Tf he gets on like this I should be sorry to tackle him in a few years’ time. Cleverest youngster I ever saw.”’ (Sir W-ll-am H-re-rt and Lord H-gh C-c-l.) Bunsby, when, on a famous occasion, con-| Business done.—Getting on very well with sulted by Captain Cuttle and Florence the London Government Bill. Prince Dombey. *‘ Mayhap. DoI say so? Which?|ArTHuR, after swearing he would ne’er If a skipper stands out by Sen’ George’s|consent to all sorts of things, liberally Channel, making for the Downs, what’s | consents. right ahead of him? The Goodwins. He Thursday.—Being Ascension Day, Com- isn’t forced to run upon the Goodwins, but | mittees which usually meet at noon have he may. The bearings of this observation | doors closed against them up to two o'clock. lays in the application of it.” This in order to give members opportunity Observe how, whilst not lacking in the | of going to Church. Joun Exxtis made quality of oracularism, the Soutcrror- | blood-curdling discovery that the naughty GENERAL’s literary style is infinitely beyond | Lords not only haven’t been to Church, but Captain Bunsby’s. By comparison, that | have been at work in their Committees just great authority is pote verbose. |as if it were an ae day! As soon as Business done.—In Committee on London | ever school opens up and tells the master. Government Bill. | * Please, Sir, why should we have to go to Tuesday.—Macukan, like traditional Bri-| Church on a Thursday when the Lords tisher, never knows when he’s beaten. Up don’t?” again to-night wanting to know whether,| Princk Artuur taken aback by sud- now Blue Book is out, Ministers will give |denness of inquiry and enormity of ini- day for discussing Indian Sugar Duties. | quity indicated; quite unusually embar- PrincE ARTHUR, with the mild asperity of | rassed ; falters forth reply about the Lords middle-aged father dealing with intractable | not sitting at all on Ascension Day, giving child, blandly admits interest of topic. No/| it up entirely to devotional exercise. JOHN one more than her Majesty’s Ministers | Exxis not to be put off in that way. Insists would find pleasure in discussing it—if only | that Lords’ Committees sat at usual hour there were time. Of course, “if the author- | whilst the Commons were supposed to be at ised Leaders of the Opposition” demanded /|Church. Driven into a corner PRINCE a day it would be different. ArTHuR pettishly protests he ‘ knows Prince ArTHUR’s comprehensive glance | nothing about the Lords’ Committees.” along the benches opposite as he talked| Here matter ye evidently cannot about the authorised Leaders was better|there remain. As JEmMMyY LOWTHER says, than some plays. Starting from below the | it’s bad enough to have the Peers meddling gangway, it rested for a moment on the/in Parliamentary elections. But if when suave countenance of the Sack or QuEEN| the Commons go to Church on Ascension Anne’s GaTE. It flashed by Jonn Ditton | Day they are to go about their ordinary and REDMOND ainé, sitting in sweet com-j| business or pleasure, the thing must be eee ong at the corners of the back|looked into. Business done.—Joun EL.is enches. Crossing the gangway it fell for a | puts his finger on a flaw in the Constitution moment on Mr. StkapMan and Mr. Caxp- | of these realms. P . WELL. It dwelt for a measurable space of Friday.—House still puzzling over JouHn time on the seat, empty for the moment, | Mgttor’s riddle. He flashed it forth quite of the Squrrz or Matwoop, brightening as | casually in the vigorous speech he contri- it finally fell on the amused countenance of | buted to debate on Church Discipline Bill. CAWMELL-BaNNERMAN, buttressed on either| ‘What is the difference between the side by faithful henchmen. ATTORNEY-GENERAL and a sy The careful selection of the plural, and Really, when we come to think of it, this accompanying look round, were more there’s verylittle. Imagine Dick WessTER effective than an hour’s speech on the fatal in shovel-hat and apron, cased in gaiters frailty of the Opposition. those manly legs that in Cambridge days

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 17, 1899, | | | PROVERBS REVISED. D'scovery lately made by Jones when “‘ txiling”’ an Otter, “Tat A Brrp In THE HAND IS NOT WORTH TWO IN THE Bush,” AT LEAST WHEN IT’S AN OLD Doe OTTER! twinkled at surprising pace over the half- | hearing ? Is it failing? And if so, why | mile course, and you have an ideal Bishop. Was that what Metior was thinking of ? He didn’t say. With head drooped on one side in contemplative fashion he gazed across the Table at the plump figure seated by Prince ARTHUR, repeated and left un- answered his puzzled inquiry: ‘“ What is | the difference between the ATTORNEY- GENERAL and a Bishop ?”’ SaRK says there’s much that’s puzzling about the Episcopal Bench just now. Every day this week he has seen some two or three columns in the Times carrying the heading, ‘‘ The Archbishops’ Hearing.’’ He this public fuss ? Business done.—Finished off the Budget. PENDING LEGISLATION. [The House of Commons fas passed—and the | House of Lords rejected—a Bill requiring seats to be provided for saop assistants in Scotland,’’— Daily Paper.| Wartstcoats ror Cierks Brit, a Bill compelling employers to provide their clerks with red flannel waistcoats for Winter wear and white drill ditto for Summer. Mrrrens ror Mecuanics (IRELAND) BILL, hasn't time to read the article, and asks me, | a Bill compelling manufacturers to provide What's the matter with the Archbishops’ | mittens for their employees to wear before land after work, and to see that they wear them. Hor Cocoa For JOURNALISTS Bit, a Bill compelling newspaper editors to pro- vide hot cocoa for their staffs between the | hours of midnight and six a.m. Pianos For Domestic Servants Bri, a Bill authorising domestic servants to claim | from their mistresses the right to practise |on the drawing-room piano daily between | twelve and three. | Orrice Boys (Hours or Rtstna) Brut, a | Bill relieving all office boys from the neces. | sity of rising before nine o’clock during the | Winter months. | GoLF For EverysBopy (ScoTLanp) Brit, |a Bill permitting all wage-earners to play | golf between two and four in the afternoon | without loss of salary. | Pustic ScHoot Boys’ Protection BILL, |a Bill reducing the thickness of the caues |and doubling the thickness of the trousers |in Public Schools in order that the latter | |may be a more efficient protection against | the former. Other measures for securing the comfort of the Individual at the expense of his neighbour are in process of drafting, and will doubtless be introduced as soon as these have been passed. LYRICAL OUTRAGES. IX.—At a Rattway Station. NEVER the time and the train And the station all together! My watch—set “ fast’ in vain! Slow cab—and foggy weather ! I have missed the express again. It was all the porter’s fault, not mine, But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak, His slowness and red tape combine To make him take about a week To label my bag—and he dared to speak, When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine! O epithet all incarnadine, Leave, leave the lips of the working: man ! It is simply past All bounds—aghast My indignation scarce hold I can. _ My watch may have helped to thus mis- | lead, My cab by the fog have been stayed in- | deed; | But still, however these things may be, | Out there on the platform wrangle we— | Oh, hot and strong slang I and he, —I and he! | | RATHER SUGGESTIVE INSTRUCTIONS. —_—