Punch 1899-05-10: Vol 116

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| a May 10, 1899.) PUNCH, OR THE Lé INDON CHARIVARI. 217 | | 7 an i SEIZING HIS OPPORTUNITY. “LINES TO PHYLLIS.” How would you know I was the pnei, If I should write some ‘‘ Lines to Puy.tis,”’ And PxyLuis you ?—no word to show it— How would you know I was the poet ? Though I scarce dare to say you ’d know it, My inward fond conviction still is That you would know I was the post, And wrote to you my ‘ Lines to PHyYLLIs.”’ FINISHING HOUSEKEEPING. (CONTINUED.) As to your bath, I scarcely know what to say. It certainly takes up a deal of room, and is a difficult object to conceal. lf you can make shift with a hand-basin, or even a rub all over with a wet towel occasionally, so much the better. Oron your annual visit to the sea-side when the August Bank-holiday comes round, you may be able to have a dip. You will find it well worth trying, and I should be surprised if, at some time or other, you don’t repeat the experience. I quite enjoy a yearly wash all over. Now for the other features of your snuggery. You can't very well do without a table (get one which rests evenly on its four legs, and with a drawer to it for bits of string) and two chairs, in case you ever have a visitor. Ata pinch, you might substitute a camp- stool for one of the chairs, but it is not very hospitable. Besides these, you must undoubtedly have a small bookshelf, preferably |one of those delightfully quaint arrangements of four pieces of knotted rope and three boards, hanging on a nail in the wall. With this, you can have quite a respectable little library of the | penny books now so much in vogue. Pictures I must leave to your individual taste. A good deal of effect can be got out of the supplements of illustrated papers, neatly tacked against the wall, with edgings of brown paper. I saw the other day a most artistic fire-screen, made of a towel- horse, backed with mill-board, on which were gummed a very fine | collection of operatic and other portraits given away with cheap cigarettes. Tnis, however, is beyond the range of the average bachelor. Other adjuncts will be an eighteenpenny looking-glass (do not be put off with inferior makes), a half-crown American The Major (on his way to try for the Big Trout, and pondering cn his | clock, and an Art tobacco-holder, made out ofa salt-jar. | fy-book). ** Now | WONDER WHAT HE ’LL TAKE? Smithers (pulling up with alacrity). ‘Takk, SIR? | SMITHERS, EH?” WELL, SIR, THANKY, WHAT D YOU SAY, Sir, sup 0’ WHISKY, SIR, FOR CHOICE!” ‘‘ supper ”’ party. then, I think, be complete, and at shillings. I may tell you in a further You will p con of about thirty-five etter how to give your first | Tue TRAVELS oF THE STREAMELS LAST YEAR. LOWTHER ARCADIAN LATIN. Dear Mr. Poncu,—When Sir WILLIAM Hart-Dyke said that Mr. James LowTHER “had gone to the top of the tree to select his big fish,” need he have pleaded a coral reef in extenuation of the mixed metaphor ? It will not have escaped your classical eye that the two ideas have ‘‘ met afore” as long ago as Horacr’s Piscium summa genus bieait ulmo, Nota que sedes fuerat columbis, Et superjecto pavide natarunt JEquore dam. | In fact the correl-ation of ideas was there | extraordinarily prophetic, for it would |appear that, in the flooding of dykes re- | corded by Horace, harts out of their depth were similarly conspicuous. True, dame is | feminine, but this would be the poet’s noted gallantry—place aux dames. | Yours heartily, QUEER FIsuH. ‘WHAT SHE REALLY WANTED.” (A Recollection of Wedding Presents.) A COMPLETE set of Smith’s Poems, bound in half-morocco, with the author’s autograph. |8 Chinese gongs, 4 musical chimes, 6 silver | card-cases, an Indian ‘‘ Pookah,” 18 paper | knives, 7 brass blotters, 12 Bradshaws, A. B. C., and directory holders, 8 umbrella stands, 1 patent self-emptying ink-stand, 45 napkin rings, 1 stuffed bear, 5 framed engravings of the “ Roll Call,” an Abyssinian steel engraved war knife, a button bag, 7 silver-plated egg-boilers, And a safety coal-scuttle fastener. LN — U Tars Year VOL. CXVI. U

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[May 10, 1899, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OR PUNCH, , "00K MATAIC, OL ONION BU, TM», *(Apqupsvajd ) avag wHPSsNY (ENINFONVUAY ATANGIY] ATLOAAUAd V OL ANOO FA, GM ‘NVYNVNIHD) ANNHOL’ ‘IHOIU TIV 8,1] 55 "WPT YS22Z ‘YNIHO 4O ALINDSLNI 3HL “YO ‘HLNOW N3adO 3HL = —S—S = ew 55 a S ~ ara Ceara mero oom, => 7 SSS. SS CY) gay WHA 4 " > is Gs eo Yf ; = f *\

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May 10, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 219 LYRICAL OUTRAGES. VIII.—To a Sky-LARKER. Hai to thee, blithe spirit! | Sad thou never wert, Trouble-free, or near it, Thou dost give thy heart To larking’s simple unpremeditating art. Faster still and faster How thy tongue thou waggest ! No one it may master, Thou the biscuit baggest, And ragging still dost romp, and romping ever raggest. When the dawn is brightenir¢, When the day is done, Skies or aark or lightening, Thou promotest fun, Like some mad farce whose second act is just begun. All the stars of heaven Cannot hush thee quite, When in June at even Thou art out of sight Among the garden beds, [ hear thy shuill | delight. When Yule-logs are smoking In the winter drear, Practically-joking Is thy special sphere— Although we may not see, we feel that thcu | art there ! All the earth and air With thy voice is loud— Yet, my thought to bare, That thou art a cloud Upon our sky at times, I think, must be | allowed ! | Here some fourteen stanzas Melt as summer haze, Wild extravaganzas Of poetic praise— | Though SHELLEY’s self might well have sung | thy pleasing ways! * * * Teach me half the madness That thy brain must know, I'll explain with gladness Whence high spirits flow, The world shall bless thee then, as I am blessing now ! A LITTLE CHAT. Tue Times correspondent at Pretoria says that the interview between the President of the Johannesburg Chamber of Mines and President Kriicer ‘“‘ was quite academic, nothing tangible resulting.’ It is believed that the following is a correct report of the THE Rev. HOW THE POOR LIVE. Mr. SMIRK HAS BROUGHT AN AMERICAN MILLIONAIRE FRIEND TO SEE FOR HIMSELF THE DIsTRESSED STATE OF THE Poor OF HIS PARISH. [He'll give them a little notice neat time. K. Yes; he’s level-headed enough. R. Quite so. But as I was saying—— K. Itis a fine day. Not but what a little rain would lay the dust nicely, and the fields—— R. Talking of fields, the Gold Fields—— K. Precisely. How do you like this tobacco ? R. Not bad. Now to come to business, The franchise—— K. Why, bless me, you haven’t got a light! Here are the matches, Swedish, or some outlandish things—— conversation. Mr. Rouliot. Good morning, President. ' ~ ater. Good morning. Have you used —— R. Oh, none of your chaff! People don’t know what a fellow you are for jokes in private. Let’s come to business. K. So a to see you. Do sit down. R. Well, what about the franchise ? - Why, you ’re not smoking ! R. Oh, thanks ! K. Mrs. oe you. - I’m very glad. But I didn’t mean that. What about——? - There’s only one thing annoys her. { CHAMBERLAIN never asks after her now. Seems so neglectful, doesn’t it? He was so polite at one time. But he’s very deep. the Deep Level—— Fill your 3! But what about—— Kricer? She’s quite well, R. Talking of that, R. Ah! talking of outlandish, the Uit- landers—— K. Quite so; you prefer home-made things —my clothes, for instance. What do you think of them? Good fit,eh? All home- made, by Mrs. KriicEr. R. Wonderful! But, as I was saying, the franchise—— K. As for this top hat of mine—— | . Talking of mine, the Simmer and Jack mine—— K. Why you know, when I was a boy-—— R. Talking of boys. the Cape bobys—— K. Ah, boys will be boys. But you’ve nothing to drink. R. Not just now, thanks. But that reminds me of the liquor traffic—— | K. Now you mention traffic, how do you | think a motor-car would suit me? A nice electric one, I mean. Much pleasanter then trains; no smoke, no blacks —— R. Talking of the blacks——- K. As I was saying, no smoke, no dirt, spin along the roads R. Talking of RnopkEs—— K. Well, do you know, if you really won't take anything. I’ll be saying good-bye, because Mrs. KritGerR wants to try on my new coat, and if I keep her waiting, she ‘ll blow me up—— R. Talk of blowing up, there’s dyna- mite- K. Don’t know her. Black woman, is she? Dinan might, or DinaH mightn’t, for all I know. R. Oh, you’re hopeless! Look here, what are you going to do ? K. Tryon my coat. Let’s talk business another day. If there’s anything you want done, I promise R. Oh, I know your promises! I’m off. K. Must you really be going? So sorry. Good-bye. At the Cat and Compasses. William the Illiterate. Wot’s all this jolly row about Sunday noospapers ? Richard ths Well-read. Simply this—the Bishops is afraid that they ‘ll hinterfere with their sermons, which you can get for nothink.

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22 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 10, 1899, . i Me \\\) ie ‘al oll AN \j A mk Se A STRICT MORALIST. Little k ‘On, Para, | THOUGHT YOU SAID WE OUGHT ALWAYS TO SPEAK THE TRUTH ?” rapt, “CERTAINLY, DEAR. Way?” Littie he). *‘ Wuy—wuen you GAVE THAT MAN a SaILuisc, you saw, ‘HERE’s A GLASs OF D&E FOR YoU.’ THAT WASN’T TRUE!” THE DINNER CHAIRMAN’S VADE MECUM. (Compiled for the use of Orators during the Month of May Mouthings.) Question. You are accustomed to take the chair at a public dinner ? Answer. Yes. Or, to speak by the caid, a dinner for the rest of the company. (). Why, do you not partake of the good cheer betore you with the rest of your convives ? A. Certainly not. [ have to speak later on—a consideration which entirely destroys my .~ : s there enything new to be said in the loyal toasts ? A. No; andtherefore it is better to return to the simplest form, which is sure to be received with heartfelt enthusiasm. (). t (). What can be said about the United Service ? A. That it is absolutely delightful to ex- pend millions in the furtherance of their interests. Q. And can anything interesting be put in about the Houses of Parliament ? A. Not much. Sneers at the Lords are no longer popular, and the Lower House is too respectable to be anything but a dull subject. (. What about the toast of the evening ? A. That must be left to the Secretary, who will furnish the Chairman with the necessary facts, which may be mixed with original remarks, two-thirds humorous to one-third pathetic. (). How are the visitors to be treated ? A. With fulsome eulogy or comic depre- ciation, inspired by the pages of that excel- lent manual, Who’s Who. Particular attention can be paid to the entries under | ** Recreations” in that admirable work, for appropriate chaff. | @. And in what terms does a Chairman respond to the toast of his own health ? A. Ina few muttered words addressed to an audience composed of a gentleman fast asleep, the toast-master, and the waiters. A BOOM IN BEGGARY. (By Our City Editor. A.D. 1900.) [According to Hearth and Heme, the beggars of Philadelphia have formed themselves into » Uom- pany, with a Board of Directors to manage .t eir affairs. ] Markets were fairly quiet yesterday, but most of the new Street Industrial Com- panies were eagerly inquired after by specu- lators. Owing to the height of the baro- meter and the weather forecast, the price of ordinary shares in the Crossing-Sweepers’ (Belgravia) Syndicate WEAKENED CONSIDERABLY in the earlier part of the day. They re- covered, however, in the afternoon, when the news arrived that the syndicate has managed to SUBSIDISE THE WATER-CARTS of the neighbourhood, so that a good supply | of mud can be guaranteed, irrespective of weather. Destitute Orphans were in good demand, as the Company has employed several talented writers to supply NEW AND PATHETIC STORIES to be poured into the ears of the charitable by the Company’s servants. This is an excellent stroke of business, and is sure to | result in an increased dividend for the shareholders. Organ-Grinders (Ordinary) fell off a point or two, owing to the com- petition caused by the large number of German bands which have arrived recently. We hear that some of the shareholders are indignant at the small NumpBgR or MonxKEYsS supplied by the Company, which, they ege, is the real cause for the unsatisfactory receipts. We would direct the attention of any readers seeking for a really safe invest- ment to the Touring Tramps Trust. The last balance-sheet of the Trust is exceedingly satisfactory, the only large item of expendi- ture, other than necessary payments for ragged clothes, being the rather numerous PouicE-courT Frings, incurred by the Company’s employés. On the other hand, the receipts are most en- | couraging. For the future, too, more attention is to be paid to the country branch of the business, and a large number of able- | bodied tramps, equipped With Powerrut SHILLELAGHS, and equally powerful vocabularies, will patrol the rural lanes. doubtless to the material benefit of the Trust. much fancy the Disabled Soldiers Company ; although its earnings are good at present, the charitable are beginning to notice that all the men of this class who appeal for aid tell PRECISELY THE SAME Story. In preference, as a sound investment, we would recommend Tue AMALGAMATED ASSOCIATION OF MENT ARTISTS, which is certain, we think, to pay a good | dividend, and which has obtained exclusive rights over all the favourite “ pitches” in the West-end. Pave We do not | se

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on ances: a eae a, -- May 10, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LETTERS TO THE CELEBRATED. (From Mr. Punch’s Vagrant.) To Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN. ResPECTED LAUREATE,—It was my fortune many years ago to be present at a cheerful gathering of men of the world, journalists, and other good fellows. There had been a plentiful fiow of soul, and the stories had been as good as the company, but at a late stage of the proceedings, as 1 remember, we all fell under the thraldom of « certain past master in the business of high-spirited badinage. He rollicked on to right and to left while the rest pondered too late upon the repartees they might have directed against him. Finally our humourist turned upon a quiet and inoffensive gentleman with a burst of exuberant patronage and said, ‘‘ Never mind, old man, we can’t all be funny, can we ?”’ “No,” retorted the quiet man, “‘ we can’t, that’s very true; but some of us try very hard, don’t we?” The application of this anecdote to you, oh, my Laureate, is not, perhaps, of that obviousness which we have been told Nature and Sir WALTER Besant have exhausted. But I have read your latest effusion in the Standard, and in my vagrant fancy I see you oetizing away for all you are worth at the heads, let us say, of Mr. Rupyarp Kre.ine and Mr. Witi1am Watson. ‘‘ Never mind, RupyarD, old man,’ I can hear you say, ‘“‘ we can’t all write poetry,canwe?” ‘ No, ALFRED, we can’t, but some of us try very hard, don’t we ?”’ After all, it is something to have tried and to keep on trying. I know many men, solid, amiable, and distinguished, who have reached a blameless old age without ever having versified. Con- sider their wretched state: they have never set themselves to the task of chopping sentences into lengths ; they have never scanned ; they have never counted syllables; they have never, Heaven help them, rhymed. instance, fixed the word ‘‘ Heaven” at the end of a stanza, and have not discovered after running through the alphabet, that “leaven”’ is the best admissible rhyme to it? And the august delight of fixing ‘“leaven”’ in, of making it, in spite of itself, fit your intentions, of seeing “‘ celestial sunsct fires That lift us from this earthly leaven” (how many foot pounds had the particular celestial sunset fire, the flaming solar yeast, that lifted you, oh, my poet and pride?) and, so proceeding till you wind up the stanza and clamp on the predestined rhyme with ‘ darkly silent cypress spires” (surely you didn’t expect them to be brightly shouting ?), ‘‘ pointing the way from hill to Heaven.” These joys and that delight have been yours. For you are a singer, and if any envious linnet should ask you how you sing, you are entitled to reply that you sing after your own fashion, and leave linnets and Tennysons and Kiptines and Watsons to follow theirs. And now let _us havo a little chat about The City of Flowers, which eloquently illuminated the darkly silent columns of the Standard on the 28th of April. It is a long pome—forgive the word; it is suggested by your own compression of poet, metri gratia, into pote in the third stanza—and out of the twenty-three stanzas I cannot make anything but a paltry selection of beauties. I wished to do this last week, but the fates and your own thought- lessness prevented me. Your pome appeared on a Friday, and by the time I had roused mgeelt from the ecstasy into which its yy had plunged me, and had seized the eulogistic pen-holder, 0! it was too late to write for publication in the ensuing number of this journal. May I beg you for the future not to publish any- thing later in the week than Thursday ? However, to my task. It shocks me to think how terribly old we are all getting. Since the year 1861, as you justly and beauti- fully remark, ‘‘ Nigh on eight lustres now have flown” (they had to fly instead of running or walking or passing because they were going to rhyme with “zone ”’). already a pote. In 1861 Rupyarp Krpxine was still unborn, and a thousand other things that have happened since had not been thought of. It’sa long period, and the thought of it irresistibly makes a man turn his mind to his latter end, nearer to him by nigh on eight lustres than when first with trembling heart you came to Florence. But why all this parade of the phenomena of Nature and your own fancy that attended your first coming to the City of Flowers ? The season, it seems, was purple-sweet, figs were a-plucking, and grapes a-pressing, a dead Pote was being borne (see note) to Santa Croce, and the tolk who walked after the deceased did so—how otherwise were they to do it ?—with following feet. And Florence flung her gates ajar and gently led you by the hand, and became more than a foster nurse” to you (positive, fost; comparative, foster ; superlative, fostest ;) but in spite of all Florence’s tempta- tions, you still remain devoted to Albion’s crags and cradling sea— which is enormously gratifying and highly patriotic on your part. I note that you proceed to ask :— 7 What do they know of joy who have never, for | In 1861 I was alive, and you were | CONSIDERATION, Hilda, ‘‘'Taar Awrut otp Hat, Etta! Wuy vo you WEAR it?” Ella (her ysunger Sister). ‘*For YouR SAKE, DEAR. I MUSTN’T BE TOO ATTRACTIVE, YOU KNOW!” And, seems that weleome half-profaned, Ifin your lap lain oft and long, I fancy to have something drained Of Danre’s soul and PerTrarcn’s song = | Don’t worry, ALFRED; it’s pure fancy, nothing more; as | visionary and impossible as your use of the word “lain”’—which | I must admit to be pretty steep for a laureate. But, after all, who |cares? My beautiful feelings are very important to me; yours |are no doubt essential to your own well-being; but I assure you nobody else cares a rap about them. I don’t wish to offend you, but I cannot help thinking that you are becoming just a little morbid about yourself and your fancies and your recollections of lap and love, and the unloving ones who live in spite of their own perpetual jarring (see how carefully I expound you to the general). And for myself, I confess, too, that all these peaches and pears | and olives and wild bees, and green frogs singing on ftig-tree boles, bore me to distraction ; nor is it any consolation to me to know you went off into a deep, sweet swoon, during which you seemed immortally ianetadinel. It’s too sugary and cloying, too care- fully manufactured, too ‘‘ gesucht,”” as the Germans say, to suit my taste. I fly for refreshment to other and manlier potes. ever mind, Atrrep. Keep on trying, but don’t get immor- tally imparadised again. Yours faithfully, THE VAGRANT. Tue Favourite VEGETABLE OF THE PLUMBER.—Leeks.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 10, 1899. Seis) fi ] GEE: Voice from above, Parkins. ‘*WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE, ‘1 ’°M JUSH—PUTTIN’ AWAY TH’ PARKINS?” Port, Sure!” ECONOMICAL JUSTICE. (A Scene ready for Performance in the near Future.) Pirace—Study of his Lordship. The Jupce seated at table with telephone receivers before him. Conyidential Clerk in attend- ance. His Lord. Now, Browne, the cause list into ‘order ? Clerk. Yes, my Lord. You have got a day in the Q.B D., are presiding at the Central Criminal Court, and have also a divisional ea, Tis Lord. To be sure. (Bell.) Ah, there comes the signal from the Strand. (Puts his ear to receiver, and speaks in reply.) Yes, I see. You appear for the plaintiff? T weeks pounds paid into Court. And you say that have we got the brougbam was on the wrong side of the road? (Bell.) There goes the C.C.C. (Puts his ear toanother receiver and speaks as before.) And the prisoner was there? He had taken the plate from the pantry? Very well, you had better call your witnesses. (Bell.) Dear me, the Divisional Court! (Susiness as before.) Iconcur! (In an undertone.) Quite orepared to leave everything in my learned rothers’ hands. Thank you. Clerk (after waiting a couple of hours). Are | you done, my Lord ? His Lord. Yes, I have adjourned for lun- | cheon in all three places. Clerk. You seem perfectly worn out, my L ord, His Lord. And so I am. But I suppose the Government is right—it saves the ex- pense of an extra Judge! (Curtain. AIRS RESUMPTIVE. (Muscular Women Series.) IV.—Tue Vicar’s DAuGHTER, A -taen * * * So sit and sing it, if you please, Sing it, my Auicr, while I lean Backward against your brawny knees, Beside the mown grass freshly green ; The old sweet scent assails my nose Here where I nursed those early hopes, Watching you whack my helpless slows Far-humming to the rounded ropes. ‘Tt is the Vicar’s daughter, And her arm has grown so stout That I would be the willow With which she swipes about ; And I would hardly wince a bit Although I ultimately split. ‘* And I would be the bulwark Upon her stalwart, stalwart shin, And all day long to shield her While her eye was getting in ; And help her not to feel too sore When obviously ‘limb before.” ‘** And I would be the gauntlet Upon her fairy finger-tips, To guard her knotted knuckles When steering through the slips; And bear the language of my love When people bowled her off her glove. ‘* Ts she the demon trundler ? I’d be the bounding, bounding sphere, Flung high and hard at random About the batsman’s ear ; And I would throb with happy throes, Letting her pitch me where she chose.” A trifle, but the best I could! Not tricked, I own, with gawds of art ; But you, you found the matter good As coming solid from the heart ; Nor would you keep me long in doubt, Nor deem my homage overbold, Though scores of fifty-five, not out, Leave many a woman proud and cold. But, Avice, what an hour was that, My hour of ventilated vows, When, beaten thrice, I lost a bat, And won a really splendid spouse ! So sing that other which relates How, half in pity, half in pride, You undertook, with choice of dates, To be my own, my blooming bride. ** Love that bowls us at the net Just as we are nicely set, Shall he shoot and we regret ? Shall we lose our shirt and fret, Or proceed to claim a let ? No, not we! Though our eyes be wringing wet, Though our stumps be all upset Thrice consecutively, yet thall we pay our proper debt, Kisses three, for coronet ? Certainly!” Sweetheart, your hand (excuse my back)! This sport that made us man and wife, Did it not yield some prescient smack, Some symbol of our wedded life ? For, dearest, in a moral sense, We keep our old relations still ; You always break through my defence, Or send me flying where you will!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 10, a Wi 4 ‘AW at =. ) SS SS =~ SSS S555 ae lf ou ul if at 4 Zip, ; tt i = a THE PIED PIPER OF RHODESIA. And flowers put forth a fairer hue, And everything was strange and new.’ ” The wonderful mu | | ‘ For he led us, he said, to a joyous land d skiy wetle after 7 * + * | Where waters gushed and fruit-trees grew, | Robert Browning. Sir M-cu-t H-cks-B-cu (apart). “* UM—HA—JI’M NOT GOING TO FOLLOW THAT MUSIC!”

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Lo no i | May 10, 1899.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ———

- errs n/, OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. ‘SMM BS ’\\\\NM)) howe MN | The Death that Lurks Unseen, by J. S. FLeTcHER (FISHER, =~ — & ; Vero Unwin & Co.). Ugh! There’s a creepy-crawly title for you!

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pa But do not be afeared; do not be repelled by the hideous cover, nt but boldly face it and take the Baron’s advice—read it. The | volume consists of nine short stories, of which, all being readable, the first three are the best, and the first of all out and away the best of the lot. In fact, the plot of the story from which the book |as a collection takes its title, would, had it been thoughtfully developed, have given ample material for aone volumenovel. No | matter, the story as it is, is good and capitally told. | The Baron would recommend, by way of a strong sensation, | Bertram Mitrorp’s The Weird of Deadly Hollow (fF. V. Waite & Co.). It is a grim tragedy, the gleams of light humour being |few and far between. But as a tale of crime and deadly, merciless | vengeance it is horribly fascinating, and—not a story to be for- gotten in a hurry. Tue Baron bE B.-W.

A Correction.—At the Birmingbam Dramatic and Literary Club dinner given on the occasion of the SHakspEARE Commemo- ration, Mr. Srpney Lex, the guest of the Club and of the evening, in the course of an interesting speech, is reported to have repeated a story about Poet Brownina having seen THACKERAY and Wippicoms, ‘‘the clown at AstTLEy’s,” pass down the street together, and how WIppIcoMB was recognised by the passers-by, who appeared utterly ignorant of the personality of THAacKERAY. First of all, Wrppicoms held a unique position, not as clown, but as ‘‘ Master of the Ring,” and in this capacity he wore a peculiar sort ofuniform. He appeared every night, and as every one, man, woman, and child, went to AsTLEy’s, and as WIDDICOMB was | F pape being written about and caricatured, it was highly Th, probable that Londoners, and even country cousins, for no one \\ ie came to town without visiting ‘‘ HasHury’s,” would be even more 1} he q familiar with the personal appearance of Wippicoms than with Ma that of Lord BrovucHam, or even of F.M. the Duke of Wgitine- ron. That they should not have recognised THACKERAY is natural \e enough. It was not his métier to show himself in public. He \W had not to appear every night in a circus, his hair and moustache * d la Joinville, and attired in marvellous costume, somewhat . ' resembling the — Every one is agreed that it is very easy —— oe It was a very pretty black flag which to write a novel. Given a certain amount . floated over the jail of Masterbridge, and as of experience, imagination, pens, ink, and paper, and the thing is done—all but the writing of it. But what is not so easy is to end a novel properly. How many otherwise charming stories have failed because of the last page! So, for guidance, we give some samples of really good endings. JouN and TorFINDA watched it flapping in the keen Middlesex air, they instinctively joined hands and bowed their heads. Tue DomeEsTICALLY EPIGRAMMATIC. * * * * * With a gesture of triumph Harotp dashed off the word finis and laid down the quill, |then took it up again, and ran it roe te through the amber glory of his wife’s hair. ‘Have I helped you, darling?” she asked, lovingly. “Very largely, sweetest,” he answered, | putting his arm round her ample waist. | ‘Tell me, you would never have written your novel if it hadn't been for little wifie ? ”’ And Hitpa looked in her husband's eyes with a charmingly provocative smile. For answer, he stroked her yellow head, dallying with her curls. So had he, years ago, stroked his boat and gone from lock to lock. Then, as he quickened the stroke, he murmured, ‘‘ You can’t make bricks without straw-coloured hair.” Tue “Artistic Restraint” NoveL. . * * * + ANGELA never grew beautiful; in fact, some people would have called her plain in a crowd. As for Jones, he died at the age of forty. But, after all, a good many ar die before that, and so my tale ends 1appily.

THE AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL. * * * * * Sometimes now, as I sit in my armchair of a long winter evening, made bright by this new-fangled electric light which I should have half laughed at, half despised in the days of my youth, I go over all the hair-breadth escapes, all the fun, folly, and fiendishness which have made up my short span of existence, and are here set down for

Tur CoLonIAL—PATHETIC. my less fortunate readers. And as I sit, | ; i ” ‘ - there comes into my mind one adventure, | Under the Shadow of the Southern the strangest of all, so strange that no one | SUGGESTION For THE R.A. |Cross there stands a stately eon tree, would believe it, not even myself or my| 4 Mutoscope of the Pictures, for the use of | at the foot of which we buried HEtoisz. publisher. Perhaps one day I may be per- | visitors ina hurry. The Royal Acadenry “‘ done”’ There is no name upon the palm tree— suaded to tell it. in five minutes. only a date.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — [May 10, 1899. A CRITICAL CRICKET CRITIC. HIt THE BAT NEARLY EVERY TIME!” “IN MY LIBRARY.” I carE not for the letters black That savour of the ages dead, Nor for the bindings new that smack Of posters and the Bodley Head. All first editions I consign, With authorship and all its seed, To—regions more or less benign Two books supply my every need. These teach a man to live at home, And how to travel (with the price), Where in the West the pat wa foam, In East or West a man is told Where to put up for preference— Such useful hints are for sold In manuals of reference. Here are all travel’s pleasures met, The places where a man should dine, Aunt Jane, “1 THINK IT’S SU CLEVER, YOU KNOW, OF THAT MAN WITH THE BALL TO | | What he should pay for “slings” and ice. | sadly in need of funds, and there wasa general The members of the Cabinet, With odds and ends—a perfect mine ! Here can the man, whose weary mind Is tired of endless annuals Distraction, peace and knowledge find— In the aforesaid manuals. “BAR, BAR, WHITE SHEEP—ALAS! WITHOUT WOOL.” Sir,—At the recent general meeting of the Bar, the larger portion of the proceedings was taken up by the consideration of the financial condition of the Barristers’ Bene- volent Association, an institution which has always been of fascinating interesttome. It would appear that this excellent charity is expression of opinion that something should | be done to obtain them—and done at once. | | and foils. I know that amongst professional men there is an objection to a direct appeal to the public, but cannot this sentiment be carried too far? Surelyif an entertainment {could be organised by the members of the Bar, there would be nothing infra dig, in accepting a small fee for admission, Not so very long ago, The Maske of Flowers (originally produced at Gray's Inn) was played in the Hall of the Inner Temple (a distinguished practising barrister having accepted the responsibilities of licenseeship for that solitary occasion) in aid of a convalescent home. Could not something of the same sort be again at- tempted? There might be a variety enter. tainment. The Lord Chancellor is noted for his swordsmanship, and might try con. clusions with a well known Lord Justice of Appeal, who is also accustomed to the mask Then the Lord Chief Justice, as a Past President of the Two Pins Club, might give a display of noble horsemanship, The talented ballet from The Maske of Flowers, whose pavane, moresco, and other quaint dances were the talk of the town nalf a dozen years ago, might repeat their graceful and gracious evolutions. Sir EDWARD CLARKE—who has a singing face— might provide a little harmony, and the Attorney-General, as an athlete, some feats of strength. Many other “turns” will occur to barristers cognisant of the capabili- ties of their colleagues. Lastly, should it be deemed advisable to send the audience home in a good temper and with rapid despatch, I would willingly give a reading from my own poor works. I have known an audience counted by the thousand dis- persed in a couple of minutes with this finale. I hope you will give the matter your immediate attention and most strenuous support. (Signed) A. BrRIeFLEss, Jun. Pump-Handle Court. THE SPORT OF THE FUTURE. (‘‘ The lawns that were erstwhile cumbered with tennis nets now bristle with croquet hoops, and tke sedate mallet has driven out the frisky racquet.” — The World.| Wetcomg, Reason, on the scene, Milder influences reviving! Far too long have pastimes been Senseless, useless, arduous striving, Brutalising men of strength, Dangerous to those who lack it; Lo! it speaks their doom at length— The decadence of the racket. Purged from customs fierce and rude Soon shall sports become more gentl;, (As the grosser kinds of food Yield the palm to bean and lentil,) Roller skates long since are “ off,” Tennis is no longer O.K., Rivals threaten even golf, As the fashion sets for ercquet. Hence, then, cricket, young and vain, Football, fraught with brutal bustle, You at Reason’s light shall wane— Modern upstart cult of muscle ; So may purer tastes begin All our fiercer games refining, Till, when spelicans come in, I may get a chance of shining. At the Crystal Palace Male Visitor (reading Bill). What's the meaning o’ thie, Martian? Exhibition of the Article Club ? Well - informed Female Partner. Why, & show of them literary gents, stoopid !

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= = BP weet mel ~~ w— & y* ‘ ee May 10, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 227 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. \the noble lord communicates with the inconsiderable Commons. It is true the EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary oF Tosy, M.P.| fducation Department has of late been House of Commons, Monday, May_1,|baulked in endeavour to 12.30 p.m.—Ushered on the scene by Big | extend education. Also undeniable that, Ben booming midnight Joun o’ GorsT rises | ascording to custom, when a Minister is to explain. After his speech last Friday, thus rudely treated by his colleagues—is asetl p behind the Lor improve and | guiding the Cabinet in educational matters,” which has not eluded the piercing glance of appeasable animosity of the clerical party. is place empty, “that secret influence President of the Council Mr. Bryce, would take good care the post was filled by some one more tractable. CAWMELL-BANNERMAN quite right in his suggestion that JoHn o’ Gorst’s services might be utilised in another post in the Government. It is one of the marvels (perhaps not one of the mysteries) of Eng- lish public life, that a man who, for intel- lectual capacity, debating power, and Par- liamentary aptitude, has only two equals on the Treasury Bench, should after thirty- three years’ service to his party, still rank as Under-Secretary. Retirement from the Education Board would not, in this case, mean promotion. With JoHN o’ GorsT seated below the gangway the House of Commons would be an infinitely livelier place. But the cause of national education would suffer a blow irremediable during the life of the present Government. Business done.—Budget Bill discussed. Tuesday. — As Hart-Dyxe shrewdly observed just now, JemmMy LowTHER has ‘gone to the top of the tree and has caught a very big fish.” This imagery suggests a charming picture: the Right Honourable J., with sea-boots on his legs, a sou’-wester clouding his manly brow, a net over his massive shoulders, stalking a tree. He approaches with the caution born of know- ledge that if the tree gets wind of his scent allis lost. Skill, caution, long Parliamen- tary training, and some hints acquired on the judicial bench in connection with the Jockey Club, a. He reaches the tree unobserved ; climbs its hoary trunk ; reaches its towering top; deftly casts his net, and, truly, catches a very big fish. It is the Lord High Chancellor—higher than usual, being up a tree. This thing isnot anallegory. The form of the narrative is due to the poetical tempera- ment and natural gifts of Hart-Dyxg. What happened in plain prose was that the Lord Chancellor, seeing an opportunity of doing a little electioneering business, presided at a — summoned to select a candidate, not to fill the seat of our dear and lost Joun Mowsray, that can never be 2h) ks , Wy JEMMY LOWTHER AND HIS UNEXPECTED HAUL(SBURY). introducing Education Estimates, there is| prevented from doing what his conscience | clamour for his resignation, CAWMELL-| and judgment tell him is right, compelled | BANNERMAN, most genial of men, voiced| to do what his knowledge and experience | demandin House. Outside the Press, Minis- | assure him is wrong—he resigns. The head terial and Opposition, for once unanimous, | of the Education Department being in sight demand JOHN 0’ Gorst’s head on acharger. | of all menin that position, sticks to his post. At this solemn midnight hour the Vice-| Why should his lieutenant, who has no President explains why he will not go. responsibility, take the initiative? Let Cannot trust himself to speak of the child | M. le Lor President fire first. of his fancy, the Committee of Council.} That is Joun 0’ Gorst’s position, deli- Only a mother’s heart could vibrate to the | beratel assumed, cynically avowed. | pangs of prospect of such separation. Not| J we by axioms of logic it is impregnable. | forcing himself even to mention that sainted | SARK says it is easy to understand the force | y, he shows how he sticks to his post | of temptation in Opposition circles to attack | because, if he were to resign, the action| a Ministry by girding at the Vice-President would be an affront to his revered leader, | of the Council. If they were concerned the Lord President. As he explained to| solely for cause of Education they would, | the Committee on Friday, he (JoHN o’| he insists, discountenance any attempt to | Gorsz) is but a time-honoured subordinate. | drive JouHn o’ Gorst from the Board. No The Lord President is the Education De-|man more than he has close at heart the partment; the Vice-President is merely | interests of Education. In endeavouring the telephonic apparatus by means of which | to further them he has incurred the un- Ae TT ' \ + ry Bl TPT pe i: ei a a5 ? y Mr — _ out the pana Housemaid, is comes of going into new Metropolitan Areas, ) =

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228 PUNCH, —— OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE,. [May 10, 1899. $$. done ; but to occupy it. There is an Order which, read at the opening of every Session, threatens blood-curdling penalties for any peer who meddles with an election. Here, caught flagrante delicto, is not an ordinary peer, but the prime of peers, the peerless peer. the Lord High Chancellor! No wonder Hart-Dyke on the sudden shock sees strange visions of large fish in unwonted | quarters. As for JEmMmy, an unusual gravity clouds his brow. The he says, is the only Tory left in the Government. desire to lay rough hands on the sacred fossil. But duty is no respecter of persons. So he doggedly climbs the tree, catches his fish, and empties it out of his net on the tloor of the House of Commons. Business done.—Right Hon. James Low- rHER moves for Select Committee to inquire into alleged breach of privilege by the Lord High Chancellor. After debate, motion withdrawn. House of Lords, Thursday.—The Markiss is nothing if not logical. Bill brought in from other House proposing to make com- pulsory provision of seats for shop assistants in Scotland. In the Commons request seemed so reasonable not a voice uplifted in opposition. Rattled through all its stages ; entered Lords brimming with hope and ex- pectation of equally friendly reception. The eagle eye of the Marxiss fell on the unpre- tentious work. Instantly discerned the tremendous potentialities of domestic revo- lution hidden from duller gaze. ‘The image of the housemaid crosses my mind,”’ said the Premier, solemnly. Inclination on part of the younger peers to titter. What particular PHytuts was it that succeeded in fascinating the Lord of Hatfield to the extent that he had enshrined her as an image, which, amid the imperial cares of State occasionally crossed his mind ? The matter too serious for jesting. What the Markiss was intent upon was the desire to do jastice all round. If the shop- girl had seat provided for her by her employer, why not the housemaid? Cases Mr. LovuGu ON TWO-THIRDS OF A HoRsE. * A horse is a valuable animal, but one-third of a horse is only fit for cat’s-meat,”’ Lord Chancellor, | He of all men would not| ONE FOR HIM! Labour Agitator. *‘Ur AXD DOWN THAT FikLD you HEARTED MAstTBI: MAY FATTEN AND GROW RICH!” Small Farmer (just/y annoyed). **You ’ne A Lian! J7 POIL, POOR SLAVE, SO YOUR H.RD- ” / 's ME OWN LAND: obviously exactly parallel. No housemaid, however exhausted, would presume to sit down, upstairs, downstairs, or in my lady’s chamber, until she asked and had obtained permission from her mistress. The MarkKIss | not the man to benefit one class at the | expense of another. So the image of the housemaid prey and Colonel Denny’s little bill, warmly | welcomed in many modest homes in Scot- | land, was smashed. | “ Very amusing speech,” said the down- | Coming out through the week, but on one east Denny; “but what ‘ll they say in day ; Kilmarnock? Isn’t there aline somewhere| (Giving buyers and sellers a rest ; about some one having his jest and others | we need no American Sunday his estate? Anyhow the Marxiss bas had | With mammoth news-sheeis to digest ? his joke and I may lose my seat, which I won for him by a not too large majority at | For ’orrors and wars and divorces the General Election.” | Six mornings of print still sufiice, Business done.—The Marxiss sits on the | With a weekly surcease from race-horses Seats for Shop Assistants Bill. | And betting, or shares and their price? THE UTOPIAN JOURNAL. (Sugaested by Lord Rosebary’s speech at the Dinner of the Newsvendors’ Benevolent Institution on May 3.) Householder sinys :— } ailed, | A PAPER without any leaders, >| A daily without any fads, With plenty of news for its readers, And truth (even down to its ‘‘ ads ”’)?