Punch 1899-03-29: Vol 116

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ily hat 1ed hat sily rt oe =H Fy Marcu 29, 1899.] / Nr, ES oe fp Be KM e PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | A NEW DANGER. [‘‘ Professor Kozpre has cleared up the mystery of the ‘ Poisoned Foun- tain’ at Wildbad-Gastein. He declares that the reason why a few sips at | this spring will produce the most serious illnesses and all manner of compli- cations is—its absolute purity ! ’—TZhe Globe.) Wen I drank of any water where bacilli might be flourishing, By way of a precaution, I invariably watched They were treated well with whisky, for it made them no less nourishing, And certainly much safer. Scotched. But imagine my confusion now they say that perfect purity No longer an immunity from danger guarantees, While an absence of bacilli does not signify security, But rather seems to indicate all manner of disease. If not killed, the things were Here ’s a terrible dilemma! The Professor has no doubt of it That water minus microbes as a poison seems to beat Water plus a few bacilli; so there ’s only one way out of it— Avoid it altogether, and just take your whisky neat. A Goop OMEN FOR THE FuturE or Music 1n Lonpon.—“ At the first meeting of the London Technical Education Board (which takes in hand singing, and notation, &c.), Mr. T. A. ORGAN was Cee ue SSA po e/ ‘WoT YER DONE WITH THE CAB, GUV’NOR ?” unanimously elected chairman for the ensuing year.’”’ The Organ must vote unanimously for the endowment of music in London. May they get a site of land, ‘‘ and,” adds Mr. Punch, “a sight of money to start with.” THE EASTER TRAVELLER’S VADE| MECUM. (Arranged for Needy Pleasure-seekers by a Wealthy Pessimist.) Question. You have a short holiday and wish to spend it to the greatest possible advantage ? Answer. Certainly, that is my desire. I} am tied to a desk all the year round some | / \ tr Airy “TO BE OR NOT TO BE.” “Ah, my Fatherland, this is not the least of the sacrifices that 1 have made for you!”’ [The Kaiser, who is the Lord High Admiral of the German Navy, has issued an edict forbidding Naval officers to wear moustaches, | will keep the L. T. E. B. orchestra in harmony, and then they | fifty weeks out of the fifty-two, and con- sequently strive for perfect rest during my brief vacation. Q. What steps do you take to secure this relaxation ? A. I make a collection of cheap trips and select the programme which promises me the maximum of movement at the minimum of cost. @. Having chosen your route, what is your next move ? A. To prepare an estimate which sacri- fices all the small comforts of life to the exigencies of travelling expenses. @. What do you consider the small com- | forts of life ? A. Decent rooms and sufficient food. Q. And why are you obliged to abandon these homely luxuries ? A. Because the money I am able to set aside for board and lodging is only sufficient | to secure apartments in fifth-rate hotels with refreshments to match the locality. Q. What are the travelling arrangements ? | A, They belong to the third-class platform, which means night voyages and unearthly | early arrivals. Q. What is the special advantage of night | travel ? A. Exemption from the charges of an| hotel. @. And the drawbacks ? A. Loss of sleep, and consequently chronic inertia during the first part of my “ holiday.” Q. What privileges do you secure by a! far-distant tour ? A, The right of spending the greater por- tion of my time en route, with an occasional pause for sight-seeing. @. Would you not obtain a better notion of what you visited with the assistance of a guide-book, in preference to a hasty per- sonal inspection ? A. Probably; but then I secure the ad- vantage of being able to say ‘‘ I was there,” | compensating advantage to which I have referred would be lost to me. (). But are you not honestly glad when your holiday is over, and you are able to return to your desk once more ? A. Possibly; but then I can talk of the pleasure I have enjoyed during my absence trom England. Q. Of course—if you have the time ? A. Yes, certainly—if I have the time. SEATS OF THE MIGHTY.—No. XI. Tus Sourn Arrican CoLossaL CHAIR. A large, very strong modern chair, old English . | pattern, carved out of stout British oak, and to persons less fortunate. mean | with iron ; was seriously damaged in 1896, Q. And would not photographs of the | }.¢ has been repaired by an ingenious arrangement places visited be more instructive to you) of telegraph poles and iron rails. Very hard to sit than the hurried view obtained for you by | upon. Of a pattern disliked at Pretoria, but greatly your tourist ticket ? in favour with arm-chair politicians and stay-at- A. Undoubtedly ; but then again the | home expansionists. VOL. CXVI, oO

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 29, 1899. UV STREET , (MORO Ey, g S, , Yf o, a FS. a ott 4 Ho Bernard Partridge “LEND ME YOUR AID!” ScENE—The “* Spring Gardens” of the L. C. C. Palace. Music (the “* Heaventy Maid,” presenting her petition to London County Council), *‘ MADAM, GRANT ME A SITE FOR NATIONAL OPERA, AND I WILL FIND THE Nores—I MEAN THE Monry.”

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Marcu 29, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 147

C.xGrsyourR. °® a an “ oa

——<S. = —— a _ —~ _— aN, ~ + own <cte "ARRY ON ’ACKNEYS AT HISLINGTON. ‘“HacTion! GOES LIKE A BLOOMIN’ PoLICEMAN—TAKES ALL THE ROAD To ‘ISSELF, AND DON’T GET NO FORRADER!”

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. In Betty Musgrave (METHUEN), the authoress of her being, Mary FINDLATER, gives us the story of a brave girl endowed with considerable [ e charms, whose strong sense of duty keeps her tied and bound to her wretched mother, an incurable inebriate, by whom she is dragged down into the gutter, or un- pleasantly close to it, and forced to live in the very queerest ‘lower-middle class ” society, of which some representative speci- mens are gathered together in a dingy suburban boarding-house kept by a sharp, keen-eyed, but kind-hearted matron, compared with whom and with whose establishment, Mrs. Todgers was socially a a person and her house almost aristocratic. The characters of the boarders are cleverly sketched ; and particularly

and quietly amusing. The easy, fascinating style in which it is written is, to the Baron’s thinking, the very perfection of literary art. “It is real life and true pathos without exaggeration,’ quoth the sympathetic Baron de B.-W., leaning on his elbow and wiping away a tear. Mr. Conan Doyig, your very good health ! You are the only man who, all alone, can give us ‘‘ a Duet,” and (what Mr. Box vainly demanded of Mr. Cox) ‘‘ a chorus.” Mr. Arrowsmi1TH, of Bristol, has a keen eye for new young men, and has found one in the author of An Opera and Lady Grasmere. Mr. ALBERT Kinross is perhaps new only to my Baronite, for he has to his name other stories with unfamiliar titles. However that be, in this little volume, that may be read right through in a hundred miles railway journey (especially on some lines), he tells a pretty story in liveliest fashion. The principal incident in the life-like is that of the brusque but kindly lady-artist, sculptor, and plot, conventional and in its unravelling obvious, is the worst painter, a woman “with a past”? but with an improving present, thing in the book. The best, happily the best predominates, and the prospect of a better future, who gives the heroine temporary | are the sketches of men and women we meet every day in London assistance. The only mistake in the book is the incidental villain, of the “ genteelest* of exteriors, as if he had stepped into the | novel out of quite modern Adelphi melodrama. Of course he is invariably “‘ foiled,” and severely thrashed, as such villains always should be in real life, and always are in drama, unless their penishenens is placed in the hands of the police. As for the ero, he is a poor “ pitiful sort of cuss,” as not a few heroes pos- | sibly may be when one gets on intimate terms with them, an life, and the swift, brilliant painting-in of the scenes wherein they move. ‘Tse Baron ve B.-W.

AT THE GLoBE.—The revival of Robertsonian plays is fast coming to an end, and then they will be heard no more. Out! Out! brief candle of light domestic comedy, you ’ve had your day, and nights too, and now you have gutter’d away and will run no more. Even | that most artistic “‘ Hare-restorer”’ can do nothing more for you when we come to “know them at home,” as is easily done in a| after this final effort. novel. However, the virtuous heroine ultimately bestows on him | her hand, much to the Baron’s regret. May she be happy! A Duet with an occasional Chorus (GRANT Ricuarps), by A. Conan | Dovug, is a most delightful book, beginning with a courtship, and | At the Board School. Inspector. Now, can any of you children state what is likely to be

ending, at the expiration of the first year of the very happy couple’s | the future of China ? married life, with the advent of a most heartily welcome little | stranger. It is perfect comedy, with just, as it were, a growl of distant thunder presaging a storm that darkens the sky for | a while, passes away, and then the sun shines on them more | brightly than ever. The somewhat slangy, 0-as-you-please, | good-natured, manly brother, is a capital bit of character. The | escription of the Ladies’ Browning Society, how they met and what they did, is genuinely humorou

s, good-naturedly satirical, Peace—and it came off. One Maiden (after a pause). Please, Sir, father says that China's e him. Inspector. Like him! What do you mean? The Maiden. Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances. [Class dismissed immediately.

Tue Tsar’s Tie FoR THE LINCOLNSHIRE Hanpicap,—General

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 29, 1899, | THE GRUB AND JUST WASH ’ER Faces, Sir, AND THEN ROUND TO YouR Stroovto, Srr.” I‘u COME ‘ALL RIGHT, Str, SHE SHALI THE BUTTERFLY. ‘*HERE ’S A LITTLE GIRL COME FOR YOU, INFANT ASPIRATIONS. Vr. Punch is indebted to the Editor of Messrs. Newnes’ latest magazine, The Captain (which he congratulates upon an excellent first appearance) for the idea of collecting “ the early impressions of famous men as to the callings they had a desire to adopt on reaching the estate of manhood.’’] Born at Brooklyn, U.S.A., and cut out, by family tradition, for the Dissenting Ministry, it was my earliest ambition to be a Man of Blood. I longed to take the field on behalf of England, or Turkey, or some other distressed nationality, not my own. Ex- perience has since taught me (and some of my own party) that the tongue may be a sharper weapon than the sword. Still, to have occupied no deadlier post of danger than that of Civil Lord of the Admiralty—how cruel a contrast to my youthful yearning for gore. Stay! I forgot the ‘* Battlefields of Thessaly.” Surely there, but for a stupid capture, I came near to my baptism of fire. And, indeed, to this , se I keep my early instinct for the letting out of blood. I ‘*come,” just at present, ‘from Sheffield,” and have been called a blade. I hope that I may, in an anemic age of anti- vaccinators deserve the title. Yours, tothe death, E. Asum-p B. ** Male child, Balliol! *’ said my parents at my birth; and I was forthwith entered at that superior academical institution whose gifted alumni at once furnish the Governing Power of India, and practically compose the Oxford Eight. Invited, as a yearling, to name my profession, “ I have arranged,” I said, ‘to be Prime Minister.”” There were not wanting admirers who reminded me that the post in question was at the moment occupied, and not likely, for some time, to be at my disposal. ‘‘No matter,” I replied, ‘I will spend the interim in completing my culture at Eton, Oxford, and the Pamirs. For form's sake, I will enter the House, and keep my hand in by filling a few of the junior Offices of State. If the hour is still not ripe, I may kill time by being a Viceroy or something of that kind.” I ought to say that, at this juncture, I had not yet made the acquaintance of the present member for Cardiff, who would, I feel sure (see interview in Chronicle), have lent me the restraining influence of his unsolicited counsel. In his regrettable absence I followed my own notions of the right employment of leisure prior to the attainment of my ambition; if such it may be called, rather than a natural choice. Yours obediently, C. or K, Original aspiration was to be a Missionary. Somehow drifted into Navy and got to be a Rear-Admiral. But only the other day boyish passion reasserted itself and I went out to China, where the heathen come from. Got rather jammed in a thing they call the Open Door, but am back again, feeling fit as ever. Friends tell me I have not done anybody much harm. So that’s all right! Yours cheerily, CHARLIE B. My name is Henry; on the Grampian Hills (Forfarshire end) | I gambolled as a boy, attired sparely in the ancestral sporran. | Even at that early period my inclination turned in the direction | of a ‘quaint and pleasing humour.” This was remarked by the local gillies. ‘* Yon bairn has a maist awfu’ geeft o’ pleesantry,” | they would say. As yet without other ambition than to tickle | these simple minds that ‘joke wi’ deeficulty,” I had not then foreseen that this very gift would eventually raise me to the head of a great and solemn National Party. Yet only last Wednesday I was the guest of their unique Club, almost the highest honour attainable in this Vale of Tears. Either I spoke very well, or else we had dined exceptionally, for I see in a Radical paper that ‘“‘ laughter’’ occurred no fewer than four-and-twenty times during my speech. And this, too, exclusive of the facetiw that were not seen till the next day. Yours humorously, H. Campsent-B. As a small Crown Prince We resembled common little boys in one particular—the craving for a large military moustache. The exigencies of birth developed Us into a War-Lord. Lately We have become another War-Lord, making two altogether ; one for the Army and one for the Navy. Also We have issued a rescript doing away with nautical moustache unless accompanied by beard. This creates an uncomfortable dilemma for Oureelf. As regards facial hair, which of the War-Lords are We to obey? We have made a riddle about it, as follows: Why is Our moustache like a dilemma? Will wire the answer next week. Wiuumus K. Ever since my first circus at Auld Reekie I determined to win the Derby, either with Ladas or something else. It took me years to do it; and meanwhile, I had secured The Durdans and become the prey of a not less laudable ambition. The temporary

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lse nat ing not in "he We for ipt by elf. We ike vin me und Marcu 29, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. distractions of high political office never altogether drew my heart | away from a purpose so sympathetic to my sense of the whole duty of manhood that I have even felt the claims of Imperial Policy pale before its conquering appeal. I hardly like to mention it lest the obvious warmth of my desire for its attainment should imperil my chances. But the following letter, written by me the other day from Messina, may serve to throw a sidelight upon the object of my giddy hopes. It is addressed to the electors of the Epsom Urban District Council, and runs as follows: ‘I can only say that, if you see fit to do me the honour of electing me, I will serve you to the best of my ability.”” I do hope I may prove worthy of their trust. Yours deprecatingly, R-s-B-RY. While still in long clothes, I had a passionate desire to be a school-usher, and put people right. Even in the nursery I was known as CaTo the Younger. I am, of course, older now, but still handy with the rod. Leaders of large majorities have winced before me. Yours incorruptibly, L-N-RD C-RTN-Y. It was an infant ambition with me to make a pun. Mature years, and a chequered experience on the Turf, never shook me com my first resolve. On Thursday last, before an appreciative I achieved! ‘‘ Mares are ladies,” I said; ‘why not have You take me? Good. Yours gratuitously, J. Bu-np-tu M-pue. My recollections of the first promptings of ambition go back to the date of my christening. ‘‘ His name is ALFRED,” said m nominator. ‘ After England’s Darling, you know,” I burbled, but not distinctly enough to secure recognition. Thus early did I prognosticate my ultimate greatness ; though I had not yet decided what formit should take. I was not long left in doubt. A fortuitous rhyme, emitted in the course of teething, showed me | in what line the bent of my genius lay. In vain they devoted me | tothe Law. The Child, notwithstanding this mésallance with the Bar, proved to be the father of the Man. Born, so to speak, with | a laurel-twig in my mouth, “I do but sing,” like the tom-tit, | “because I must.’’ There are two meanings to this. Mine is the right one. Make what use you like of this communication. A. A. | From the day when I was old enough to walk on without my nurse’s support, I said I would bea great actor and interpret grand assion. As the irony of fate would have it, I am just a successful erformer-Manager. [The above letter bears the postmark of the Pall Mall District, but is unsigned. } House, ladies as Mayors ?”’ THE INVASION OF ENGLAND. (A Page of Future History.) Many years ago a writer in the Revue des Deux Mondes, of | March 15, 1899, proposed an infallible scheme for the invasion of England. 1,500 boats, like river barges, driven by steam, could quickly cross the channel, and, being run ashore high and dry, could land in a few minutes an army of 170,000 men on the defenceless southern coast. The writer suggested that the landin should take place at an unexpected point, but he partly reveale this destination by saying, in reference to the sea-passage, ‘‘en admettant qu'on choisisse Brighton, sept heures suffiraient largement.” Of course the 170,000 warriors, after seven hours on the sea, would be glad to arrive at a large town, destitute of cafés no doubt, but consisting almost entirely of hotels and lodging-houses, where rest and recovery would be possible. The following account of the invasion is translated from the narrative of a French officer. When war broke out, the 1,500 boats were assembled at Calais and Boulogne. After various delays every preparation was completed on a certain Sunday—it was Whit Sunday—and at midnight our flotilla started. It was the Invincible Armada of the twentieth century. At the moment of departure its destination was announced, and from 170,000 valiant Frenchmen there rose a mighty shout, ‘ad Briguetonne!” Although adverse winds and a rough sea delayed our progress, the flotilla passed Newhaven at half-past ten on Monday morning. We had seen nothing of the English fleet. The profound secrecy of our preparations had deceived the enemy. It was evident that we should land without difficulty. As we approached Brighton all our telescopes were directed towards the shore, and a universal cry of surprise rose from those of our soldiers who were not entirely prostrated by sea-sickness. Those who were could only murmur feebly, ‘“‘ Nous arrivons ? Mon Dieu, quel voyage! Cava finir bientot?”” The others, they were but few, beheld the English shore black with troops. Treachery, ever with us, and tempted by the gold of despicable England, had revealed to our cena enemy the secret of our attack. Her army was small and contemptible, merely some 50,000 men, but it was there, on the shore of Brighton, ready to receive us. And we? Of that brilliant host of valiant warriors which Oi a) ML iy Y Bh oA a ‘wee | , we ~g % i 77, aaa if - be eas : CAS ‘ SEE UNS 7 * A J / / od Pipa AN OPPORTUNITY. She (coquettishly). ““I READ THE OTHER DAY, Covstn CHARLIE, THAT MARRIAGE IS DECLINING.” He (inspired). ‘‘OH, THAT ’S QUITE WRONG. MARRIAGE IS — ACCEPTING,” [Seizes the opportunity and proposes. started at midnight on a glorious enterprise of irresistible conquest only about 250 were able to stand. The others, noble and valiant, as are all Frenchmen, were for the time incapable of anything. French army has always conquered; English army has always been defeated. But would it be possible even for 250 Frenchmen to carry ashore 169,750 suffering compatriots, and at the same time to disperse 50,000 English ? No, a thousand times, no! e stop. The officers in command resolve to retire. From 169,750 valiant, but feeble Frenchmen, there comes a cry of anguish and horror, ‘‘ Encore dix heures en mer? Jamais! Plutot la mort! A Briguetonne!’’ What is to be done? Behind us is the rage and indignation of a disappointed country, around us are our compatriots, prepared to die, prepared almost to mutiny if they had the strength, but not prepared to suffer yet another ten hours on the sea! Before us is the English army, contemptible yet numerous. Even bravest of soldiers cannot achieve the impos- sible. The invincible flotilla stops, turns, and slowly retires. One submarine boat alone continues its onward course. Not mutiny, not disobedience causes this, but some defect in the steering apparatus, which has become immoveable. Onwards to certain death rush our brave compatriots in the doomed vessel. Opposite the centre of Brighton she strikes the shore. In the resence of the English army, 50,000 strong, even ten valiant Frundhenen must surrender. Waving a white flag, they emerge from the interior. What do they see? Not the English army, but a vast array of English citizens hastily retreating, and, at the edge of the water, six stout English policemen, who arrest our brave compatriots as they land. ‘ Too late the horrible error was explained. It was an English holiday, and all the travellers of the excursion trains were amusing themselves upon the beach. 170,000 Frenchmen, after that terrible voyage, had fled before a crowd of unarmed civilians and six policemen. Since then the invasion of England has never been attempted.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Marcu 29, 1899, | |THE APOLOGIA OF, A NEUROPATH. | [Insomnia has become a poetic commonplace }in our modern age of nerves.’’— Westminster { | ' yy Y Y Vy, YY 4 Wf Y LM]: yy Wp oe ff al ‘ 4 4 i HOLA uu tH pac ‘2 l H WA - A! LH ae YY THE VERY LATEST DISCOVERY. Amateur Astronomical Student (returning home, after attending scientific Bachelor Dinner, where ‘‘ the reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn” has been wa rmly discussed). ‘* WHERE Am I? JUP’TUSH NINE—I SHEE TWO Moons. LETSH SHEE—(considering)—EaRTH 's GOT ONE Moon. THEN—/V HERE Am 1?” MARs ’s GoT FIVE Moo— LONDON LAWS. Dear Mr. Puncu,—It is with infinite Ew that I draw your attention to the ct that in the London Government Bill no Clauses deal with such matters of vital importance to law-abiding citizens as :— (1) The abolition of crossing-sweepers and nae newspaper boys. (2) The ditto of blind men with thick sticks and flower girls with button-holes. (3) The restriction of crawling cabs and the racing of rival omnibuses. (4) The casting of orange-peel and banana- skins on the pavements. (5) The ditto of handbills into every avail- able area and doorway. (6) The carrying of ladders and long planks at the busiest time of the day. (7) The ditto of coals at unseemly times. _ (8) The paces | of bills with the splash- ing of — roundabout the hoardings. (9) The ditto of letters and circulars in the letter-boxes of harmless citizens. _ (10) The relaying of high-smelling asphalt in the day-time when it is possible to sniff. (11) The ditto of wood pavement at night when it is impossible to see. I am glad that none of these have been dealt with—only mayors. Asmopgvus Styx. | —what rot! Gazette. } I cHAUNT no praise to tedious Spring, In whose delights the vulgar glory ; No patriot ravings do I sing, Or Jingo-brags of England's story ; To Nature’s beauties I am blind, I need no outer charms to fire me, Because within myself I find Matter sufticient to inspire me. I run the gamut of my nerves, Suck honey from my introspections ; Each mood I note, each passion serves To give my lyrics new directions ; Till dread Insomnia, that still Mandragora withstands and poppy, If treated with sufficient skill, Affords material for ‘‘ copy.” What then though with my own conceits The public ear I still am boring ; Though of myself my art still treats In lays that set Philistines snoring ; For though my best achievement tires That does but vindicate its uses— When verse that sleeplessness inspires Upon its readers sleep induces. THE OLD ORDER CHANGETH. A Dramatic Contrast in Three Parts. Past. Time— The Early Seventies. An | Audience assembled during a Robertsonian | Performance. First Spectator. How delightful after the | stilted heroics of SHERIDAN KNowLEs and | Firz-Bat. Second Spec. Yes; and see, they are drink- |ing real tea out of a genuine cup and | | saucer, First Spec. And so natural to flirt over | | the shadow of a milk jug. Second Spec. Yes. And how right of a | man to run the risk of a divorce, rather than | betray the shortcomings of his wife's brother. Both. How good. —how stupid! Present. The Late Nineties. An audience assembled during a Psnero Performance. First Spectator. Delightful to find that | what shocked our grandmothers suits our | daughters. Second Spec. Yes; and scenery real paint- | ing and not upholstery. First Spec. Quite so. And one likes an epi am after the milk-and-water realism i) And twenty years ago | OBERTSON. Second Spec. And as everybody ’s bad, | more or less, why not show society at its | worst ? Both. How good! ago—bosh ! The Future. Time—The First Decade in the Twentieth Century. An Audience assem- bled during a Smithian Performance. First Spectator. Much wiser to have deeds rather than words. Second Spec. A pantomime is ‘he thing. So much better to make people think, and let an audience find out what they are imagining. First Spec. And fancy our ancestors tole- rating problem plays and pieces of the penny plain and twopence coloured order of architecture ! Second Spec. This sort of thing is perfect. Both. How good! And twenty years ago And twenty years

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marcu 29, 1899. 7 Lorp §-L-sB-RY AFRICAN POOL. Marker. * STROKE AND DIVISION, GENTLEMEN !” o M. Detcass£). ‘‘ VERY WELL—WE’LL DIVIDE!

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Marcu 29, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 153 | | \ \Y Wy = Wy = NGG. ~ ‘Zp “2 ify ~~ em 5 — Extra: t From Diary of Minor Poet.—z {pril a ‘‘No! WoMmeEN ARE NOT WORTH OUR SONGS OR OUR SiGHs. How suBrLY RESPONSIVE | SHE SEEMED. As I MURMURED SOME LINES OF MY OWN, HER EYES | WORE THAT FAR-AWAY LOOK, A TENDER SMILE PLAYED ROUND HER |} uips. LirrLe pip I GUESS THAT HULKING LONG-LEGGED BUTCHER | FROM THE SovupAN, CAPTAIN BAYARD, WAS OGLING HER IN THE Mirror! Ucn!” CUCKOO NOTES IN THE AVENUE. Mr. CuHartes Hawrtrey, as Hugh Farrant in The Cuckoo, has added another character-portrait to his gallery of amusing liars. His quiet manner, with very occasional and only momentary out- bursts of spasmodic love-making, is simply perfect. His chuckling enjoyment of his own utter absence of moral principle is intensely | amusing. Whatever he has done, even the sternest juryman in the audience finds him “ not guilty,” mind you don’t do it again,’”’ yet earnestly hoping that as soon as sensible the said strict moralist may be a delighted witness of CHARLES HawtTrREY’s most ingenious method of getting into, and | out of, decidedly tight corners. He belongs to the stage of the | time of the second CHarRLEs, when the actors were looked upon | not as those who had a moral to inculcate dramatically, but | simply as irresponsible puppets, placed by the author of their being in possible, and not absolutely improbable, predicaments. They adorned dramatic tales, and pointed no moral: except in a negative sort of way. Mr. BrookFIE_p (author and character actor) has made not only Décoré, but has had the somewhat rare good fortune of having his ‘‘ comedy-farce ’’ most efficiently “ cast.” It might be wished that sprightly Miss Fannie Warp (is this young lady Américaine ?), as Vrs. Penfold, were a trifle more dis- tinct in her rapid utterance, and also that she would emphasise the lights and shades of the character with an occasional exhibition of dignified repose ; as it is, she is all fiutter, like a pretty pet bird in @ cage, onddealy startled. Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMs is delightful as the commonplace corn- broker and confiding husband, just “letting himself go” for once adding pleasantly, ‘ and | a very amusing adaptation of Meruac’s indecorous and ingenious | and away, on whose conceit the demi-mondaine, Lady Alexandra Park (played with a delicious sense of humour and without any exaggeration whatever by Miss ConsTaNcE COLLIER), draws to the extent of two hundred pounds, which is the sum the amorous corn-broker has to pay for his moral lesson. A philosophic treatise might be written on the place in creation of Colefax, the utterly absurd and thoroughly scoundrelly waiter ; but to imagine that he, with such a hold on the reputation of a lady and a gentleman as he possesses, could be bought off for five pounds, is just the one and only mistake in what has been, up to this point, in the third act, a most carefully and ingeniously con- structed plot. A good word for the black king Kamswaga (Mr. Coryton), but especially for his interpreter, convincingly played by Mr. H. STEPHENSON, whose make up is as admirable as is his patronising manner. Mr. Frep Votre represents that highly respectable bourgeois, the Mayor of Maidensbourne, apparently some relation to Sir EpwarD CLARKE, Q.C., M.P., an Mir. Justin M‘Cartuy, to both of whom he bears a striking, yet puzzling, resemblance. Mr. CHARLES HawtTrEy seems to have got a success that ought, if there ’s any “luck about the house,” to run right away through the season. CAMBRIDGE WINS! A BUMPER to Cambridge! Great Zeus, how it stirs us To see the light blue floating first o’er the line! Fate smiles once again and no longer defers us; One year makes amends for the losses of nine. Week followed on week, and in all kinds of weather They laboured undaunted, not daring to boast, Till at last in a flash they all got it together, And swinging and smiting sped home to the post. We saw them take ship, and we saw them with glee row, We saw how they spurted again and again: So Cambridge, kind mother of sage and of hero, Be proud of eight sons who have proved themselves men. There was GiBBon at stroke, who, forgetting his namesake. When they pressed him declined not, nor dreamt of a fall, And enjoying the game for the glorious game’s sake Shot his hands off his chest like a ball from a wall. At seven sat Warp. Did he think of his lordship, The grandsire who all his young fancies had nursed ? And what thoughts had Lord Esuer of old days aboard ship, When Oxford were beaten and Cambridge were first ? There was SANDERSON six, very long he in truth is ; | At five was our ETHEL, whose surname is SMITH ; Though his nickname a girl’s is, the rest of the youth is All manhood and muscle and courage and pith. At four we had Paynes, to behold him was pleasure ; He was stalwart and sturdy and steady and strong ; And behind him swung GoLpI®, a treat and a treasure, A chip of the old block who kept the stroke long. | At two was young CALVERT, the Antipodean ; From bow little Cuapman the prospect enjoyed : And, since Eights must be steered, just to wind up my pxan, I may add that their coxswain, a ripper, was LLoyb. So a bumper to them! Give them triumph and glory! Lo, their names and the fame of their prowess abide. Since, whate’er be their lot, they shall live on in story, The ’Ninety-nine Eight who at last turned the tide. Sequitur ET Non Sgequitur.—As a Woman Stitches should be a companion story to As a Man Sows ; and The First Bunker should | have come out before The Last Link. Messrs. CHatto & WINDUs, | and Messrs. Buack, may tske the hint. ‘‘Gornc By LEAPs AND Bounps.”—The German EmpPERor is to hold a * Great Spring” Review. His Imperial Highness should be known as ** Wiry Witt1am.”’ Who said ‘‘ Bounder”? Oh dear, no. ‘A Loca Hasiration AND A Nameg.”—Only give Music a ‘“‘ Local Habitation ” in London, and she will soon make for herself ‘* a name,” Not A DrstraBLE AssocIATE AT Poot.—A cat with nine lives.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 29, 1899, Wine Z Swan Ws wail SEVERAL THINGS THAT WOULD INTEREST YOU, **So You SEE, THERE ARF YOU WOULD ENJOY YOURSELF VERY MUCH. | NEXT MoTHERs’ MEETING ?” ‘WELL, YER LEDDYsHIP, YOU Now, can’t I PERSUADE "RE VERY KIND; ORL WE’VE GOT TO DO. [“* Influenza grows increasingly prevalent among the very poor. To escape it, says a West-End physician, all people have got to do is to live well, dress warmly, avoid depressing influences, and adovt a philosophic calmness and cheerfulness.’’— Daily Paper.} Buck up! Don’t look so blue, old gal, Becos we've got the flu; ’Ere’s orl we ’ve got to do, old gal, Ere ’s orl we’ve got to do. ‘Live well!” Jest order in a spread— It's better for the brat Than everlastin’ mouldy bread, An’ not too much o’ that. Yus, say a pair o’ soles—the best— A nice young loin o’ lamb, An’ p’raps the doctor would suggest A glass or two o’ cham. “Dress warmly.” Once I’adas But that were long ago; An’ these old breeks, they wouldn’t ‘urt To be less draughty. 30 A fur- lined coat our dear kind friend "'E might srescribe, an’ you, Old gal, ’e’d doubtless recommend A boar an’ sables too. hirt, ** Adopt a philosophic calm ’’— Soeasy! Don’t you find Yer ’unger workin’ like a balm Upon yer troubled mind ? * Be cheerful ’’—wait until the brats Be’old the broker’s men A-turnin’ out the attic—— Rats! Won’t we be cheerful then ! Buck up! Don’t look so blue, old gal, Becos we ve got the flu; ’Ere’s orl we’ve got to do, old gal, *Ere’s orl we’ve got to do. Should Women Smoke ? Tur girl who smokes No aid invokes ‘Gainst those who would attack her, She needs no swain, Since it is plain, She has one frie nd to back her. AND I’M SURE YOU TO COME TO OUR But I NEVER WAS A SociETY WomAN!” | UP-TO-DATE, Tue Chancellor of the Exchequer will put an additional threepence on the Income ax. The Secretary of State for War will double the present clerical staff at Pall Mall. The Marquis of Satissury will retire from the Foreign Office in favour of Lord Ross- BERY. Sir Witt1am Harcovrt, at the request of Sir Henry CampBett-BANNERMAN, will resume the leadership of the Radical Party. The London County Council will promote a bill for its own dissolution. The City of London will cease to exist in compliance with a wish of the Livery Companies. The Members of the Bar will seek amal- gamation with the Junior branch of the & profession. The Cabmen will accept with enthusiasm | the scheme for recording distances traversed, by automatic machinery. The chief supporters of Charitable In- stitutions will insist upon their donations appearing anonymously. nd last of all, the above events will bear date and be recorded—on the First of April! Tue dear old lady says she went to a con- versazione at a Literary Society’s, the | other evening, when they performed a| scene from The School for Scandal and danced the mignonette. How is the poor Queen Bess. creature to walk !! ~ Gramercy!

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0r Marcu 29, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary oF Topsy, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 20.— Don Joské is beginning to submit to con- clusion that he must give up Oom Pavt. \\ Zan anid \ \ \\\ \ their country to discomfiture of outsiders. Only thing to be done is to make friendly suggestions. Not much to be expected from them. Course been adopted before, and what had come of it? Ina famous despatch, Don José made the kindly enquiry, ‘* How \\ \ \ \ \\ OOM YOSEF AND THE RIGHT “Tf the personalities were reversed the drift of the game would appear more natural.” | Since he went to Colonial Office the irre- | pressible old gentleman has had peculiar ascination for him. What Oom Pau | thinks of Don Jos& is kept for the edifica- tion of the domestic circle Mrs. Kriicrr adorns. Hitherto Don Jost has, in public, been comparatively reticent in the matter of foreknowledge of the old gentleman’s hereafter. To-night he frankly descanted on the situation. At the time of the Raid Oom Pavt, seriously alarmed, made a series of promises. 3 to this day not one has been kept ; whilst the grievances complained of have been rather aggravated than alleviated. This very morning there are reports from Johannesburg of renewed promises of re- form. ‘ These are,” said Don Jost, speak- ing more in sorrow than in anger, “ entirely illusory.” What is to be done? We can't © to war with the Transvaal because the oers insist upon keeping a firm grip on HON. PAUL KRUGERLAIN, M.P. (See Essence.) is Mrs. Krieger?” Oom Pavt promptly replied by presenting a prodigious bill for damages arising out of the Jameson Raid. As Sark observes, the situation is subtly aggravated by the contrast between the two eminent statesmen. One alert, aggressive, inspired and supported by the latest re- sources of civilisation; the other, loose- jointed, ill-dressed, lethargic, sucking at his pipe, meditating amid cloud of smoke on the lavish expenditure in money and time | incurred by people who use nail-brushes. | If the personalities were reversed—if Don | José were Oom Paut and Oom Paut were Don Jost—the drift of the game would appear more natural. As it is, it is not only strange, but really annoying. Business done. — Driving the Estimates through. Tuesday.—Strange, at first sight startiing, turning over the Orders of the Day, to come upon amendment standing in name of ‘‘Mr, Guapstong.” When the proper time comes the SPEAKER, turning towards the Front Opposition Bench, calls aloud the name that for more than sixty years filled the House of Commons with marvel, not to speak of apprehension. There steps forward in response, not the venerable, still alert, figure the House knew this time five years ago. It is son HERBERT, brdad-shouldered, ruddy, the very picture of manly health. Earlier years of Parliamentary life of member for Leeds were hopelessly over- shadowed by magnitule of the paternal mountain. It does not necessarily follow that a youth finding himself returned to House of Commons in company with his father is overwhelmed by the contiguity. The member for Sark remembers, some twenty years ago, how father and son respectively represented Banbury and Frome. BansBury was venerable in years, and of old Parliamentary standing, having sat in the same Parliament with PaLMeEr- sTON in his prime. [RomxE entered the House nine years later than his respected parent. But after he took his seat the parent was nowhere. FRomr took the floor. Bansury stood timidly listening at the Bar, and after a while his white head meekly disappeared from the Parliamentary arena. HERBERT GLADsTONE, whilst his father lived, was genuinely impressed with the in- congruity of finding himself an ‘* Hon. Mem- ber,’ technically on an equal footing with his illustrious Sire. He studiously avoided taking part in debate, and was quite abashed when he was made a Junior Lord of the Treasury in his father’s Ministry. When the sun went down, and the stars might shine, Lord RosrBery, with rare discrimi- nation. gave HERBERT hischance by making him First Commissioner of Works. By his initiation of the improvements in Parlia- ment Street he will through all time leave his mark on London. To-night, CAWMELL- BANNERMAN, following up RosEBery’s graceful policy, puts HerBert forward to move rejection of principal Government measure of the Session. Confidence justified by the speech. Its perfect success marred by undue length, ensuing on conscientious, fatal attempt to mR The er—er—Membah for er—er—Dulwich, Sir Bl-nd-]l M-ple.

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| when the swimmer threw away the . of his compendious notes and struck out for | himself, he did admirably. | to-night. | Crusades. | cherc/] | they be aldermen ? 156 PUNCH, OR LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 29, 1899, leave nothing unsaid. But, more ae ladder Not AMURATH an AMURATH succeeds. There can be only one * Mr. GLADSTONE” in the world’s his- tory. House of Commons, always generously inclined, gave gracious warm welcome to the son, standing at the brass-bound box at which his father, from time to time, had thumped away strong Ministries. Business done.—Second reading of London Government Bill moved. Blondel! A Thursday.—* A Blondel !”’ | The battle cry first heard on the Plains of Palestine rang through the startled House Stout Satapry, who often heard it in crusading days, has left on record the confession that it was ‘‘ the only thing of | the kind that really made his flesh creep.” | The spell has not lapsed in the slow move- } ment of centuries. To-night, when Sir Mapte& Bionpew-Bionpgt of Blondel (in the county of Middlesex) takes down the banner that fora thousand years has floated over the battlements of Tottenham Grange, und waves it, so to speak, in the teeth of | the Treasury Bench, Prince ArRTaUR, albeit buttressed on either side by the SouiciTor- GENERAL and the PRESIDENT OF THE Boarp oF TRADE, visibly pales. It is the old story, Cherchez la femme. older than the Sir BLONDEL the London Government Bill. ‘* What about the ladies?” he asks. ‘Can Can they be mayors?” Here Sir BionpEL condescended to intro- duce a joke that has been in the family for three centuries. ‘* Women,” he said, “ are, I know, sometimes spoken of as Mares. As CHAUCER hath it ‘the grey mare is the better horse.’ But what I am enquiring about is M-A-Y-O-R-S.” The Knights in the immediate neighbour- hood of Sir BLONDEL laughed immoderately. (Always well promptly to see a joke when 7 2 The (Birmingham) Molcke of the British Army. ve, but cannot find her in the folds of THE LAST FOX Anp O_p Tom HUGS HIM AS IF HE | Ted] NS — SS OF THE SEASON. LOVED HIM AND WERE LOTH TO PART WITH HIM. the humourist is clad in chain armour and holds a drawn sword in his red right hand.) The dames in the iron-girt gallery at the end of the hall simpered. Suddenly chang- ing his bantering tone and shaking a mailed fist at the Treasury Bench, Sir BLonpDEL insisted on speedy answer to his challenge. This Prince Artuux falteringly gave, and Sir Knight, graciously pleased to be gratified, sheathed his sword and strode torth to mount his palfrey, pawing the |unresponsive paving-stones in Palace Yard. | Business done.—Further debate on London | Government Bill. Friday.—Still debating second reading of London Government Bill. The further we go into the matter, the more abundant the | objections. Prince ARTHUR is becoming amazed at his own immoderation of error, alarmed at his illimitability of incapacity. Comforts himself with reflection that if, when the scheme for the creation of the world was introduced, Mr. LouGu and Dr. CLARK had chanced to be about, they would have moved a series of amendments. **Odd thing when you come to think of it,” Prince ArTHUR muses, “significant, too, that the first person instrumental in carrying an adjournment on what he re- garded as a matter of urgent public import- ance, was the Serpent in the Garden of Eden. Owing to his action our first parents irrevocably adjourned from its pleasing precincts.” Business done.—Government of London Bill read a second time. Note BY AN ENntTomoLocist. — Monte Carlo and the New Forest are further apart than Monmouth and Macedon. Yet they have one point in common. “ Painted Ladies ” are to be found in both. Note BY AN ImPECUNIOUS SCRIBBLER.— There is no cry more galling to the soul of genius than that of an omnibus conductor calling out “*‘ Bank! Bank!” NOT SO MAD AS HE LOOKS. March Hare (to himself). “Hooray! No more | harrying me for another eight months !”