Punch 1899-03-15: Vol 116

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’ ol ere o you It is y, but ower, | | Marcu 15, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121 Say) ” A CONCLUSION. ‘* MoTHER, IS THAT Mr. DoopEMs’ PHOTOGRAPH ON THE TABLE?” ‘* Yrs, Dear.” ‘* AN’ DID HE DIV IT TO AUNTIE EpNa?” “Yes, My CHILD.” ‘AN’ IS HE GOING TO MARRY AUNTIE EpNnA, MoTHER?” **Yrs, Love.” ** AN’ WILL I MARRY A MAN LIKE Mr. DoopEMs WHEN I pro uP?” “*YrEs, DARLING, PERHAPS, IF YOU ARE GooD.” (Pause.) **MoOTHER, IT’S A ROUGH WoRLD FOR US WOMEN, ISN’T IT?” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tue Baron congratulates Mary JoHNSTON on her romantic story entitled The Gld Dominion (ARCHIBALD ConsTABLE & Co.), “‘ being an account of certain prisoners of hope. A tale of Colonial Vir- ginia.”” It is an exciting narrative of perilous adventures, and of a hate that was converted into love as strong as death. The characters are drawn with a strong hand, and the interest is sus- tained to the end. Yet there is a fault which the Baron must mention for the sake of the many readers who follow his experienced advice, and this fault lies in a sameness of incident and a proneness to stray into lengthy dialogue, which, however individually charac- teristic it may be, is but a weariness of the spirit to the reader, | unless he be an experienced ‘‘ skipper’”’ and a master of the craft. With advantage to writer, seller, and reader, this book might have | been shorn of at least one-fourth of its apenas, The finish, being | unfinished, is unsatisfactory. The Baron is somewhat puzzled by the spelling; as for example “ gayly”’ for “ gaily.” If an “i” is to be sacrificed, then of course “ daily ” must be written “‘ dayly,” and why should not Mary Jonnston be spelt ‘‘ Marr Jonson” ? Then Sees is of a frugal mind with regar having taken an inch here and there, phonetically, she proceeds to rob poor weary ‘travellers’ of their second liquid, as though she considered one liquid to have been quite as much as they could carry. So ‘travellers’? become “ travelers.’”’ Then “levelled” she spells ‘‘ leveled.”” Now, though the effect be strange to the eye, yet is the Baron not disinclined towards “‘ the new learning,” as having much that is sensible to say for itself. ‘ Ought” for “aught ”’ is unreasonable unless “naught” and “naughty” are to be spelt “‘ nought” and “ noughty.” ‘‘ Defenseless”’ is surely in- | defensible for ‘‘ defenceless;”’ is not this to muddle the French “défense” with the English ‘“‘defence’? Still the Baron is inclined to the opinion that spelling, according to Sam Weller’s dictum, ‘‘ is according to the taste and fancy of the spellor.” Once or twice Marr expresses herself awkwardly, as when she writes, ‘‘ the cry which the child uttered as he raised it reached the until then deaf ears of the mother.” Lovers are regardless of grammar; 80 when at what appears to be the penultimate moment of their existence, Patricia exclaims ecstatically, ‘‘ Death hath enfranchised us, you and I,’’ the heroine, at so critical a moment, may be par- | to the letter “1,” and | doned for chucking grammar to the dogs. But ‘“‘ Genius is above rules,” and if the book serves the purpose of amusement, and of instruction, during a leisure hour, that is sufficient. ‘ Tolle, lege” by all means. In the Unpublished Letters of Dean Swift, edited by Dr. Brrx- BECK Hit (T. Fisher Unwin), those who delight in the mordant humour of one of the greatest of English letter-writers will find a |rich feast. For seventeen years Swirt poured out to his friend KNIGHTLEY CHETWODE, an Irish squire, the rich stores of his knowledge of human nature, his wit, and, it must be added, his querulousness and savage malignity. The death of Queen ANNE had left him a broken, bitter man, bewailing in many keys the mutability of human affairs, the inconstancy, ingratitude, and forgetfulness of men of whom he thought himself to have deserved well. The style of these letters is strong, simple and direct—that is to say, it is Swirr’s. Not one of hom has been published before, for JoHN Forster, who had intended to use them, died before he could carry out his purpose, and former editors and biographers of Swirt were in ignorance of their existence. Dr. | BrrKBECK Hitu’s notes are excellent reading, full of delightful incident of the time and of anecdotes about Swirt, bits of his conversation and apt extracts from his other writings. Buy the book and read for yourself, says the Baron’s Assistant. ‘“When previous engagements keep me from the seat of war,” says my nautical Baronite, ‘I like to perpen in the usual dangers through the person of some proxy of the right sort. In the case of the late fracas between Spain and the States my good friend, Mr. Joun Buacx Arkrins, of the Manchester Guardian, and late of Pembroke College, Cambridge, has very kindly supplied me with vivid experiences collected from the front. His letters, put together in The War in Cuba (SmitH, ELDER) are just as good reading as aman can wish. He pretends ‘to supplement rather than to convey news of the war’; but I am bound to say that if any single individual could have ‘ eonveyed’ more, he must have had better transport than the States Army ever got out of the War Department. And it is all done with that intimate observation of character and behaviour and minute detail, which is far more | convincing and realisable than the cut-and-dried record of march- |ing and counter-marching. Scarcely any episode, if we except the | battle of San Juan, is given without first-hand knowledge; and, | not being a bird, he could not arrange to assist both at this fight | and also at the contemporaneous assault on Caney. His story is | personal, as it should be; but without the egoism which often | characterises such work. As for his style, always gay and buoyant, it yet has those sympathetic qualities in which tears and laughter are found not farapart. Add to this the charm of a literary manner unstudied, and a happy resourcefulness of illustration drawn not only from earlier experiences as a war-correspondent but from the storehouse of a scholar’s mind. Mr. Atkrns, though your name may not be Tuomas, ‘ here ’s my best respects to you!’” | THE Baron DE B.-W. MY MOTHER TONGUE. | [* Professor ATKINSON, of Dublin University, the greatest authority on Irish literature, is opposed to teaching the Gaelic language on the score that most of the literature is too indecent to be taught indiscriminately.” —7he Globe. | | Is it insults that he’s manin’, when the villain is complainin’ That our language is ondacint? Faith, he’d betther have been flun, In the Lifty there an’ dhrounded ere he started sich unfounded And onraisonable libels on me dear ould mother tongue. What! Ondacint? Faith an’ glory! There is sorrer tale or shtory Oi have read that anny mortal sich an ugly name could call ; ’Tis the truth, Sorr, an’ Oi mane it, an’ it may perhaps explain it If Oi add that ’tis the Gaelic Oi can’t read at all, at all. And a shtory—after all, it wants a dash of what-you-call-it, Or ’tis flavourless as mutton, disremembered to be hung, And if Gaelic—yes, begorrer! Ere to-day becomes to-morrer ‘Tis meself will buy a grammar and Oi’ll learn me mother tongue. Toujours la Politesse. Boy (to Elderly Gentleman, whose foot he has transfixed with the spike of a top, and who is now writhing in agony). Well, why didn’t yer keep your old trotter out of the way ? ‘‘ Lonpon GovERNMENT BiLu.”—Whatever may be in store for Londoners, the first important step to be taken will be for the members of the L. C. C. to learn and practise ‘ self-government ”’ during debates. VOL. CXVI, a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Marcu 15, 1899. & © Aamou ep—~ 4 rata’ _ bo - Huntsman (making a cast for the line of the Don't RIDE OVER THE LINE!” Would-be Thrusters, ‘*OQH, NO, WE WON'T. Fox, near a railway), ‘‘ HOLD HARD, PLEASE! | THERE’s A BRIDGE FARTHER ON!” THE TAX-PAYER’S VADE MECUM. (At the service of the Ch-ne-ll-r of the Exch-qu-r.) Question. I presume you are a patriot, and consequently a good citizen ? Answer. That is my boast, and also my conscientious belief. Q. And yeu are aware that a patriotic and good citizen should do all in his power for his country’s welfare ? A. No doubt, inclusive of the compiler and collector of the revenue. (). Refusing to receive that reply on the score of its frivolity, 1 would ask if you do not admit the necessity of the payment of taxes ? A. Certainly; especially by persons other than myself. @. Why do you consider that you should be exempt from the payment of taxes ? A. To be in the fashion, it is the universal personal opinion of all my countrymen. (). But cannot you point out one impost that is more unpopular than any other ? A. Probably the Income Tax is the most unpopular of all sources of revenue, as it affects the largest number of tax-payers. Q. What is your objection to this impost ? A. It is inguisitorial in its manner of being assessed and collected, and was in- tended for a war and not a peace tax. Q. What would surprise you more than | its continuance ? A. Its abolition. (. Can you suggest any fresh impost to | meet the impending deficit ? A. Very easily. I would propose a heavy tax = tobacco. @. Why would you select that material to be mulcted ? A, Because I do not smoke and have no shares in cigar companies. Q. Then your opinion is only worth that of a member of a not very large class ? A. That is so, and possibly total abstainers would suggest a tax upon alcohol, vege- tarians a heavy fine on animal food, and pny of sixty a largely augmented charge for marriage licences. Q. But still you believe that it is necessary to spend one hundred and ten millions on the necessities of the Empire ? A. Yes, and my conviction is shared by the entire nation. Q. And how would you raise the money ? A. That is purely a matter for the decision of the rt. hon. gentleman responsible for the concoction of the Budget. Q. And what will be meted out to him whatever may be the nature of his financial statement ? A. From his | wey om friends luke-warm sufferance, and fro m his political opponents the fiercest and most vindictive opposition, condemnation, and even personal abuse. THE TEETOTAL BUDGET OF 1999. Extract from the speech of the Cuan- CELLOR OF THE EXcHEQUER:—“ In conse- quence of the total suppression of the Wine and Intoxieating Liquor Trade, and the extinction of public-houses, where beer and spirits are retailed, I am compelled, in order to maintain the revenue, to announce that we propose to raise the tax on tea, coffee, | and cocoa to half-a-crown per pound, while | all so-called mineral waters, such as soda, seltzer, potash, and lithia, will bear an impost | of sixpence on each bottle. lemonade, ginger-beer, and ginger-ale, how- ever, will, [ am happy to state, be only half that amount. It is with great satisfaction that I am able to announce that the present duties on milk and petable water will not be raised.” (Loud cheers from the Treasury benches.) IN MANY A LAND. THE bonny babe, tossed blithely to and fro, Rests on AMANDA’s apron white as snow In Lapland. Full well he fares, no epicure is he, that would frighten me In Papland. Upon a diet Anon he is an urchin, and must learn **Globes”’ with ‘‘ gography,”’ and take his turn In Mapland. If he is idle, and his books will flout, There is the ruler, and he'll have a bout In Rapland. Or, it may be, his fate is harder yet, And he will spend a time he won't forget In Strapland. But, like the longest lane, the laggard day Will end at last, and Tom will snore away In Napland ! The duty on | This year is the Centenary of the Income Tax. The best way to celebrate it. has not yet paid his. By our Artist, who

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Marcu 15, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 123

THE CREWS AT PUTNEY. {Having in the interest of sport sent a competent representative to Putney to report the doings of the rival Blues, we were somewhat surprised to receive from him the following communication. If we had not reason to place implicit confidence in our representative’s accuracy and good faith we should have suspected him “ having mixed up the boat-race practice with a visit to BARNUM’s and a Freemasons’ Dinner. But rowing technicalities are notoriously obscure, and we have therefore printed the account exactly as we received it.—Ep.] Putney, March 11th. OVERNIGHT orders had been given that the Cantabs were to embark precisely at 12 o'clock, and at this hour, amid the trumpetings of the elepbants and the com- bined noise of the now thoroughly awakened menagerie, the Skeleton Dude took his seat in the new Sims boat, which was promptly shoved off from the Leander hard. Scarcely a breath of wind ruffled the surface of the Worshipful Master’s face, as after the usual preliminaries he rose to propose a_ toast | which, to use his own expressive words. had been suggested to him by the Bearded Lady in the privacy of her boudoir. Gipson, who was keeping the stroke beautifully long and even, was now clocked to be rowing exactly 54 to a bumper of champagne and no heeltaps. This sentiment evoked thunders of applause, which was only checked when our American guest met a nasty cross-wash at Hammersmith Bridge, | where he dropped to 30, which was main- | tained as far as Santiago, the Spanish Fleet | having been wiped off the water. The prices areas usual, half price being extended | to children between four and ten years of age, who are admitted to the Cambridge | Crew daily, either in the morning or the | afternoon. Later on Oxford tried a few spurts, but nothing of any importance was very trying to the feelings of every loyal freemason, who thus found himself compelled to stroke a winning University for the fourth time. notwithstanding which the dwarfs and other living human prodigies!iwere as amusing as they always are to GoLDIE, the Cambridge No. 3, whose speech was voted the success of the evening. Altogether this | entertainment may be pronounced one of the most magnificent ever given between Putney and Mortlake, the stroke being well rowed out and the crew finishing with any amount of milk punch specially provided for this banquet by the orders of Mr. FLETCHER, their coach, who is perhaps not quite so large as the once celebrated Jumbo, but is now certainly the largest African elephant in the world. The health of the secretary was then drunk with three times three and musical honours, and the pro- ceedings were continued till a late hour of the night, when the Oxford crew were met on their return journey from Mortlake. |

ALMOST—* ALONE, HE DID IT!” In a Society weekly it was stated in a pare concerning musical news at a ashionable resort. that a certain composer | “had the theatre pretty well to himself last | night, the programme being composed | entirely of works of his composition.” So | apparently the eminent one not only com- posed the works performed, but also com- posed the programme (marvellous effort of genius !), and then “had the theatre pretty | well to himself.” What an admirable audience! Fortunately, a little lower down | we read, ‘‘ the theatre was full,’’ which saves the otherwise rather exceptional situation.

/ /

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Hh yi Fit “mail “Z | | : LOZ <<< Hoe

Employer (who simply won't take any excuse for unpunctuality). ‘‘You ARE VERY LATE, Mr. Jones. Go BACK AT ONCE, AND COME AT THE Proper TiME!”

THE SINE QUA NON. WHEN I was very young, and had Scant sense, but love-affairs in plenty ; In short, when as an undergrad. I’d all the savoir faire of twenty— A girl might then be bold or staid, She might be dull, she might be witty, A duchess or a dairy-maid— For me she ’d only to be pretty But when I got to twenty-five, And in the man the boy was sinking, My mind began to grow alive To sundry things—I started thinking! Then beauty I set down as nought, No pretty girl could please me ever, I worshipped Intellect—and thought A girl ought only to be clever ! Now brains and beauty I have found, If e’er Life’s weather should be dirty, Poor anchors, hardly holding ground ; And this is now my creed at thirty— A girl may have, for all I care, Good looks, or cleverness alarming, Or both, or neither—but I Il swear That all she needs to be is—charming !

One Way of Fasting. Miss Kate (to Mr. Joskrn). You don’t know how glad I am that Lent has begun. Mr. Joskin. Why ? Miss Kate. Because there are no more stupid dinner-parties and balls. We only

go to theatres and restaurants now.

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124 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 15, 1899. | DOTS AND DASHES. A LITTLE DANCE. Pxroso, you really must be more careful. WarTKINs is easily MR. PUNCH’S DRAMATISED NOVELS. shocked. “He 1 pa me notice if you go on like this. III. PHROSO. By Antu-ny H-pr. Phroso (indignantly). Monster, you do not love me! ; . ; : ni Wheatley (hurriedly). My dear Puroso, what an idea! Of course [To guard against misconception, we may mention that this is mo¢ the | Jove you. Howcan you think of such a thing! (PHRoso prepares version recently presented in America. ] oF ay herself into his arms again.) No, not again, PHroso. Be ACT I.—Scense—The Hall of the Stefanopoulos im the island of c¢ 7 beg. Neopalia. Lord WHEATLEY and Dennis SwINTON discovered. Phroso. Very well. (Seats herself.) Come and sit by me. Dennis. Well, Cuartxy, how do you like your island ? (WHEATLEY does so meekly.) And now, when do you think we are Wheatley. Not bad. going to be married ? Dennis. Not bad! J call it spiffing. Why, the islanders tried to Wheatley. Married? Oh, not for a long time yet. cut our throats the day we landed, and they ’ve been trying to Phroso. You’re wrong then. We’re going to be married to- shoot us ever since. What more do you want? It’s as good as morrow! The Neopalians mustn’t be kept waiting any longer. Zenda. So I ’ve fixed to-morrow afternoon. Wheatley. Your disposition is regrettably frivolous, Denny. Wheatley ( frozen with horror). To-morrow! Oh lor! You treat the whole situation with levity. (Dgnnis winks.) Con- ACT II.—Scenge— The same. Time—Nezxt morni found you, I wish you wouldn’t wink like that. Dennis (with bland cheerfulness). Well, CHARLEY, booking for- Dennis (airily). All right, old fellow. Don’t mind me! ward to the wedding? (WHEATLEY groans.) Cheer up, old man. Wheatley. I don’t mind you. It’s PHroso I’m nervous about. Wheatley. You ’re very heartless, DENNY. You ’re winking again, Denny. [ With irritation.| Dennis. I knew how it would be when you came to Neopalia. Dennis. I’m not, ‘pon honour. But what’s the matter with) Whena man’s engaged he doesn’t go off to a desert island without Puroso? You haven't quarrelled, have you ? | getting into a scrape of some sort. Wheatley. Quarrelled! I wish we had. No such luck. Ever Wheatley. Neopalia isn’t a desert island. I wish it was. since she proposed to me that day the Neopalians were thirsting| Dennis. It ’s hard luck on Beatrice Hiperave, I must say. for my blood, I’ve not had a moment’s peace. She's always| Wheatley. Do you suppose J enjoy it? These modern young after me. | ladies are too much for me. How was I to know when I came to Dennis. Well? | Neopalia that a lady would propose to me before I ’’d been in the Wheatley. Well, it’s very inconvenient and highly indecorous, | island a week? And take no refusal, too! Dash it, it ’s too bad. Warkrns thinks so, too. | Dennis. What does Watkins think ? Dennis. I don’t think I should trouble about Warxrns. | Wheatley (despondingly). Oh, Watxtns has given warning. I Wheatley. Oh, yes, that’s all very well; but a man should always | knew he would. He told me he could not remain in the service of be a hero to his valet, if he can. And Warkrys has a very high | a nobleman who was engaged to two young ladies at once. ideal of how an English nobleman should behave. So, when he! Dennis. Bravo, WATKINS! sees me apparently in the middle of a desperate flirtation with| Wheatley. Yes, I knew you wouldn’t sympathise with me. No- Puroso—ahem, the Lady EupHrosyne—he naturally disapproves. | body sympathises with me. You ’re so abominably cheerful, and Dennis. I don’t see what it has to do with Warxins. WATKINS is so abominably disapproving, and PHRoso is so abomin- Wheatley. You see, WATKINS is my servant, and he naturally | ably affectionate, that between you all I’m perfectly miserable. feels responsible for me, and as I’m engaged to Beatrice Hip- | (Enter Watkins.) Well? [Fiercely. GRAvE——. Hush! here he is. [Enter WaTKINS, in livery. Watkins (gloomily). A lady to see you, my lord. Watkins (icily). A lady to see you, my lord! Wheatley. Con—— I mean, show her in. (Hzit Watkins.) Wheatley (with elaborate astonishment). A lady, Watkins? Ah | PHRoso again, of course, This is simply persecution. well, show her in. (Enter Poroso.| Dennis. You shouldn’t have encouraged her. Phroso (passionately). My Cuarugy! Watkins (showing in a lady cloaked and veiled). This way, Embraces him ardently. Watkins glowers. | Ma’am. Wheatley. My dear Poroso! Warxrns! Wheatley. In disguise, too. I do wish Puroso wasn’t so skittish. Phroso. Eh, what ? I hate girls who are skittish. (Bait WarTkKINs. Wheatley. Before the servants! Really now! | Dennis. You can’t leave her standing there, CHARLEY. Be a Phroso, Send him away, then. man. Be affectionate. Wheatley (diffidently). You may go, Watkins. (Exit Watxins.)| Wheatley. Won’t you sit down, dear? Let me take off your

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i | cloak. | 1—(proudly)—I think I may say_ I | the attachment. | see, we hadn’t seen one another for weeks. Marcn 15, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 125 (The Lady throws off her cloak and raises jer veil.) BEATRICE, by Jove! ; Dennis. Beatrice Hipcrave! I’m oft [Exit hurriedly. ACT III.—Scens—The same. Time—An hour later. Dxnnis is sitting in a chair reading a book. Enter WHEATLEY, cautiously. Wheatley (whispering). DENNY. Dennis (putting down book). Hullo, what’s up ? ' Wheatley. Everything’s up—blown up. DENNIS winks sympa- thetically.) You’re winking, DENNY oI : Dennis. Merely a quiver of the eyelid, old man. Quite un- conscious. A habit of mine. Wheatley (irritably). I wish you 'd keep your eyelid under control. It’s a bad habit. Dennis. Very sorry, CHARLEY. What happened after I left? How did you get on with BEATRICE ? Wheatley. Oh, swimmingly. She was most affectionate. You I packed her off as Then, as ill-luck would _ aad soon as I could to take off her things. have it, who should come in but PHRoso. Dennis. How did you get on with her ? | Wheatley. She was most affectionate, too. In fact, it was all right as long as I had her alone. But Bearricr came back sooner | than I expected and found us together. Dennis. Poor CHARLEY ! Wheatley. Exactly. I introduced them, hoping they would fight it out. But they didn’t. They made friends at once, and both turned upon me! As if it was my fault! Dennis. Oh, come—— Wheatley (savagely). Shut up! I know what you’re going to say and you’re quite wrong. I never gave PuHROsO any encourage- ment. Or Bearrice either, for that matter. However, they | wouldn’t believe me, either of them. So after weeping on each | other’s necks, they went for me, both of them. There’s no} counting on women. And now Pusroso’s gone off to rouse the | Neopalians, and they are coming to cut my throat. Hallo, here’s | one of them. | [Enter CONSTANTINE. WHEATLEY hastily puts a table mead them. Constantine. Villain, you have robbed me of my bride. Wheatley (indignantly). I assure you, my good man, I have done | nothing of the sort. Constantine. You have. and I were engaged. Wheatley. My preserver! [Flings himself into CONSTANTINE’s arms. | You have robbed me of Puroso. She | Constantine. Sir! Wheatley (without heeding him). Now I can face Puroso and her | Neopalians. By Jove, here she comes! [Enter Puroso, backed by picturesque riff-raff. She does not | notice CONSTANTINE. Phroso (menacingly). Now, Lord WHEATLEY ! Wheatley (in an aggrieved tone). Puroso, you have grossly deceived me. You have trifled with my affections. Phroso. What do you mean ? Wheatley. You have been pretending to love me all this time, and have striven to reciprocate And now I find you are—like me—engaged to another ! [CONSTANTINE comes forward. Phroso. CONSTANTINE ! | Shrieks. Wheatley (with dignity). Under these circumstances, I cannot consent to receive any more of your attentions. I shall return to London, and marry Miss Hirerave. And I consider, Madam, that you have treated me with shameful perfidy. Dennis. Bravo, WHEATLEY! [Winks solemnly at him. WHEATLEY frowns in return, Curtain. “OQ ‘TEMPORA’! O MORES!” {The influence of American journalism is increasingly evident. in our daily papers... The style of the leading articles, even in the Times, is changing ... There is a more conversational, almost a slangy tone about them, It is interesting to anticipate the future results of this influence.” A Weekly Review.) I.—Sample of a “‘ Times” Leader, before the “ Influence” began to Work. “We may be excused for feeling that the trend of events makes a change in our present policy an imperative necessity. The Chinese authorities again are throwing their unhappy country into confusion, while we are seemingly content to make no more effectual protest than a series of diplomatic representations. Surely the Government must be aware that these, per se, are absolutely useless if the typical Mandarinis really to be influenced. Nor can we share that happy confidence in the disinterestedness of Russia’s interposition which apparently prevails at the Foreign 4 ORTHOGRAPHY-—AT BRIGHTON. *‘RoyAL RANGERS—NO. HIS REGIMENT Is.” “But, MATER, I HEARD HE WAS IN THE ARTILLERY.” Nor RirLes—Xo,_ | QUITE FORGET WHAT ‘“THaT’s IT! I KNEW IT BEGAN WITH AN R!” Office, and there are not wanting indications that our interests will be gravely jeopardised unless those in authority will grasp the need of action before it is too late. The Chinese officials must be given to understand that the choice of two alternatives only is open to them, and that they must decide between giving up their present untenable claims, or rendering themselves liable to the practical and disastrous consequences which any further obstinacy on their part will involve. That, we venture to think, is the whole gist of the matter.” II.—The same Article re-written, say, Two ears hence. ‘Look here, you know, this game’s about played out. Why, these blessed Chinese are painting the whole bally place red, and all you Government rotters are doing is to make ‘diplomatic representations.’ Garn! As if any _brass-faced pigtailed Mandarin cared a red cent for truck of that kind! And if you really flatter yourselves that Russia’s acting on the square— | well, you must be a set of fat-headed nincompoops, and that’s all about it. You may take it from us that Ursa Major is a downy animal, and has a card or two up his sleeve more times than not. If you don’t look out, we shall be badly left. So just buck up, and give these Chinese beggars the straight tip, once for all, Let’em see that either they’ve got to climb aun in double- | quick time, or else we shall give’em beans—long-pod, extra-size | beans, of the most extraordinary value. There, now you know >? | what we think. So-long! *“*SeconpaRY Epvucation.’—This is, of course, a matter of Primary importance. There are a lot of ‘‘ Secondaries ’’ holding office in the City of London. Will these members of the Corpora- tion have to go to school again and pass examinations? And, a propos, why not start compulsory examination for admission to the rank and dignity of alderman? Instead of proceeding by election, let the office of Lord Mayor be open to competitive examination. Grand subjects suggest themselves. How to make and eat Turtle Soup? How to arrange a Lord Mayor's Show, etc., etc. | | i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 15, 1899 | c tad Brtiles tL. Miss Jones | Mr. Green (bewildered) ‘*My. Cver?” who has kindly offered to hear Mr. Green his part for the coming theatricals). ‘* Now, WHAT ’s your Cuz, Mr. GREEN?” (Diversion created from time to time by arrival of despatches.) Peace! Gentle Peace! her crest with olive crowned, Time out of mind the poet's passionate dream, And, from Conrvuctius forward, still the stone Philosophers have sought to stay their heads As with a pillow—’tis the hobby-hope To which our soul is singly consecrate! How says the Baron Tennyson thereof ? “Ah, when,” says he, “ shall universal Peace | Wink like a sky-sign far across the land, And like a flash-light wide athwart the | se — Or words to that effect. this ? Army Manceuvres in Manchuria ? Our six-and-forty thousand going strong And full of fighting? Good; we'll round the tale To fifty for the nonce.] As I was saying, in the well-known phrase O’ th’ venerable Chadband, ‘‘ What is Peace ? Is ita hawk? Nay, on the other hand, Tt cometh home untoe us like the dove; — my brethren, Peace be with us.’ From Oman? Ah! _ Coal-hole-i’ corner ineident ! [Come in! What’s | Resume your pen. | . Miss J. *‘ Yes, your CUE—WHAT THEY SAY JUST BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR ENTRANCE, YOU KNOW.” Mr. G. “‘Ou, Ltee. THey ALWAyYs sAy, ‘CoME ON YOU SILLY ASS, CAN’T You ?’” DEPRECIATIONS | One wishes our allies, whose love we hold | Chemin de fer de Newchwang? "Tis a case age" sith | Precious as roubles, managed these affairs | Where we must make the fist of iron felt Vil. |With something more resembling our Beneath the gloss of diplomatic kid !) Nicuotas II. picrares A Peace Pamputet.| aplomb, Where wasI? Ah! “the weanéd cocka- Well meant, ’tis true, and might have trice served our turn, Had not a nation drunk with avarice Contrived to cork their Muscat-grape, and play Kottabos with the dregs. Ourselves propose One of these sunny days to take and bottle Our own Imperial brand of fruity port I’ th’ self-same ocean, as a pick-us-up When trooping Eastward, should occasion rise. ] So to our muttons. Oh! how beautiful Upon the Ural mountains are the feet Of him that—[Well, what is it? Beresrorp | Back from his rounds of commis-voyageur ? | And talking to the paper-men of Peace And Commerce kissing through an open | door And such-like silly nonsense? See he says Port Arthur’s bastions are looking well, And Wei-hai-wei will cost a deal of cash. |That’s true. We might have saved him trouble there, Being informed on this and other things Less obvious to the eye of tars on tour, Nor mentioned in the guide-books.] proceed. Then shall the nations lie down in a row, The lion and the lambkin, cheek by jow]; The eagle cooing to the bear; the babe We "| Stroking the weanéd cockatrice—[Come in! |! |Gun- patterns of the latest, powder dry, These samples will suftice to shadow forth A zoological Utopia Recalls an earlier Eden (bar the babe), So from the seed o’ th’ dying century The makings of a fine millennium Bud at our bidding. [Well, what have you there ? A missive from our brother Germany ? So ho! the fellow writes in cynic vein ! Approves our project; hopes to play a put, None stronger, in the said millennium | When that most admirable era dawns ; Meanwhile inclines to keep his army up |'To th’ customary pitch, or slightly higher; | Watch on the Rhine, and goose-step as before ! | This from the stout enthusiast who stood Only the other week in Salem town Under a white umbrella crying PEAcE Down half the ringing wires of Christen- | dom! le Heavens! what hypocrites some people are! | ba! “names We dictate no more to- ay. A Dish THAT DISAGREES WITH MOST PER- | SONS WHEN TRAVELLING.—The Chops of the Channel.

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DON CHARIVARI.—Marcn 15, 1899. PUNCH, OR THE LON \\\ \\ iy és : “A | BR May Cee | i \ EW LORMAN iv S| mt Shs HY) SS i\} THE FIGHT FOR THE FOOT-PLATE. British ENGINE-Driver. “IT’S MY ENGINE, AND I’M GOING TO DRIVE IT!” Rvusstan Enoine-Driver. ‘‘NO! IT OUGHT TO BE MINE!—AND IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY LOVE OF PEACE, Joun CurNaMAn (Station-Master). “ALL LITEE! FIXEE AS YOU LIKEE! ME NO CARE CUSSEE!”

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Marcu 15, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129 “ PIN-PRICK” / Mp ip ity / YM ia iy Why ch POLICY. Millie (aged twelve, with painful reminiscences of how she had been treated by their eldest Sister, who is seated with her Fiancé in the background). ‘‘I say, NELLIE, FLO Is GOING To BE MaR- RIED, AND I HEARD MAMMA SAY SHE IS TO HAVB Two HunpDRED PouNDs FOR PIN-MONEY i I’M AWFULLY GLAD #HE’S GOING TO LIVE AWAY FROM US Millie (indignantly). ‘*Wuy! FANCY WHAT A LOT OF PINS SHE’LL HAVE! a Nellie. ‘*Wuy?” Anp ”"— (horrified at the idea)—‘‘ IF SHE STOPPED AT HoME, HOW SHE ’D SCRATCH US ALL!” CRYPTIC JOURNALISM. A Protest. Dear Mr. Puncn,—May I ask you, as Public Enlightener, if you can suggest any valid reason why purchasers of certain penny and even sixpenny weekly newspapers should be tantalised by columns of dark and | apparently personal comments and queries ? Imean the sort of stuff that’s headed (say) “Ondits of the Week,” “ Gossip by Our Own Gad-about,” “‘ Queer Queries,” and so forth. To borrow the favourite epithet of | one of these periodicals, such oracular re- | explanation’s sake, turn out a few examples of this kind of journalism :—Under the heading of ‘‘ Eavesdroppings,”’ for instance, we overhear That a very pretty woman was seen the other night at a West End Restaurant. That a smart young sprig of nobility was in attendance. That, as usual, Mr. HussBanp was in the wings of a theatre not a hundred miles from Charing Cross. That proceedings will ensue. That we shall see what we shall see. That it would be odd if we didn’t. That a certain financier has lately been marks run the risk of being considered | going the pace. “unfunny ’’ by the plain man in the street | That Mrs. Frnancter’s diamonds are only or the club smoking-room, to whom they | paste. pear about as luminous as the “lights” | Not being in the know, like, | fancy, a good many others, I am more | exasperated by these enigmatic allusions | than impressed by the writer’s superior | of : an acrostic. knowledge of what goes on behind the scenes. But perhaps, after all, they are only a device to fill up space, and may relate to imaginary, or, at least, very unin- | teresting members of society. Let us,-for! That the bailiffs are in. That you never know. That there will shortly be a wedding in high life. hat she would much rather have the Guardsman. That he never meant what he said. That, as things are going, there will be a pretty kettle of fish. That the damages will be.one farthing. That suburban trains are dreadfully crowded in the —- That she sat on his knee coming home. That they had changed hats. That they do say she was only a governess. That there has been high play lately at Monte Carlo. That certain banking accounts have been overdrawn. That blackmail has a very ugly sound. That chestnuts are in season. That QuEEN ANNE is dead. And so on. We might reel off these occult remarks by the yard, without any- body = the wiser, and so I remain affled as ever, ZEDWHYEKS. A DILEMMA. (* Herr BorKEDAL, an eminent Norwegian phy- sicist, recently attempted to demonstrate that .. . the great furnace of the universe is rapidly burn- ing itself out, and unless it be very soon stoked up from some unexpected —., our children, or at furthest, our grandchildren, will witness its ex- tinction.” — Daily Chronicle.] Ou, Sun, when frigid prophets paint Your beams as growing still more faint, Until all heat is lost, We coolly wink the other eye As evil thus they prophesy, Convinced it is a “Frost” Since of some former forecasts we Retain a vivid memory, And of our trepidation When they presented to our view The lurid prospects of a u- -niversal conflagration. Who then the question shall decide, If frozen we must be—or fried Some years (or z2ons) hence ? ’T wixt ice and fire still loth to choose (Since either way we stand to lose), We ’ll—split the difference. Curtous ANomALy.—The earliest callers in London are lait arrivals. LETTING THE MUS-CAT OUT OF THE BAG. [“The settlement of the Muscat incident has been accomplished in a manner entirely satisfactory to our interests and our dignity.” —French Oficial Note. “ T here is nothing to prohibit France from having a coul store at Muscat.”"—Mr. Brodrick’s State- ment.)

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thoroughly enjoyed | [Manca 15, 1899. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Hostess. *‘ WELL, AU REVOIR,” Nervous Visitor (seated in trap). * Au REVUIR—(sotto voce)— camel“ gy I wore!” THE PEN ITE NT PIRATE. ‘Abuse of the *‘ penny dreadful’ has become a me commonplace. It is time that atten- tion was turned to those tales of pirates and high- waymen which, bearing the names of well-known writers, are considered to be suitable gifts for our children . . . . their influence in no case can be in many instances it must be extremely harmful.”—Daily Paper.] WiIrH growing suspicion Trmotuy Prie- LET eyed the rakish-looking craft lying on the horizon, and his fears increased when the frigate Albatross (in which TrmoTHyY was serving as junior midshipman) altered her course and gave chase to the stranger. Without delay he sought out the captain, who, recognising Trmotuy’s beautiful moral character, was always delighted to receive advice from him. Yes, said the captain, there was no doubt about it—yonder craft was manned by pirates! ‘How terrible | exclaimed Trmortuy. ‘ Pin utes, you know, are men whose princi- “ s are really quite dishonest. They have i business to appear in a story of which I aii the hero. Whatdo you propose to do? ‘To blow them to smithereens,” replied the captain, promptly TImoTHyY aeniienek: “Certainly not!” he cried. ‘“‘ That would mean fighting, and fighting is very wicked. Kindly lend me your speaking-trumpet, and when we get nearer the pirate I will manage the business for you. The captain obeyed rather sulkily; the | truth is, that he had been accustomed to | figure in stories of the bad old kind, and fight. By this time the two ‘vessels were close to | each other, and Timoruy put the speaking- | trumpet to his mouth. Are you a pirate ?”’ he inquired. ““Of course,” was the reply from the commander of the other ship. ‘* Don’t you see my black flag? Or if that doesn’t con- vince you, I'll give a bloodthirsty yell. There isn’t a pirate afloat who can beat me in that part of our business. And in a few! minutes your ship will be in flames, and you will have to walk the plank!” *‘Nonsense,” said Trmorny, “I’m the hero. Heroes don’t walk the plank.” “Oh, I beg your pardon,” replied the pirate. ‘Of course not. Didn't recognise you at first. Of course, if you ’re the hero, the fight will go the other way. For several pages the air will be thick with smoke, the masts will fly into splinters, and the seuppers will run with blood. Then, | just when your captain loses all hope, you ‘ll lead a desperate boarding-party, and | knock us over with cutlasses and marlin- spikes. We shall all be hung, and an hour later the sullen waves will roll over the spot where lately the Black Maria floated. Bless | you, I’ve been through the business in dozens of books. Are your guns loaded with grape ? If so, we may as well begin.” “Stop!” commanded Timotny. ‘“ No- | thing so horrible is going to be allowed in this story. Have you considered what the effect would be upon our readers? Do you know that a leading daily paper declares that its influence might be extremely harmful ? ” ‘“No,” said the pirate, with some sur- prise, ‘“‘ I haven't seen the papers for some time. So that’s the latest idea, is it? Well, I’ve never had any fault found with me before in all the years I’ve been at the business. Isn’t there to be any description of our fight ?” “There’s to be no fight to describe,” TrmotuHy explained. ‘To read accounts of fighting is very bad for little boys. In ac- cordance with the principles of modern en- lightenment, we will submit our respective claims to arbitration. Will you kindly row across to this ship for the purpose ? ” Tears of remorse furrowed the pirate’s weatherbeaten cheek as he stepped meekly gy his boat. ‘‘ Many a year I’ve been at * he murmured. “ Seen service, I have, with a score of writers .... and after all, I’m nought but a harmful influence. Well, we must move with the times... . like enough I shall ship as chaplain next pub- lishing season !” END OF A DIPLOMATIC FARCE. Played in London and Paris simultaneously. Mr. Boz. I am delighted to find we agree. M. Cox. My dear friend, I am enchanted | to see you. Mr. Box. We were beth in the right. M. Coz. It was that wicked Sultan who was in the wrong. Mr. Box. You have got what you wanted? M. Coz. And you have retained what J you desired ? Mr. Box. And black according to you is white. M. Cox. And white what you call black. Mr. Boz. Then you are indeed my long- | lost brother and M. Cox. M. | Cox. And Mr. Box. Both. Are satisfied! [Curtain. Oriental Card-Sharping. [“ Russia is nant in a game of bluff in the Far East, and plays her cards to that end.” Morning Jour +, Tuts may be true, but if Mr. Punch were consulted on the matter, he would not hesitate to state that Russia’s more favour- ite game is “ beggar my neighbour.”

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Wn. ND bil Aa 8 oe Oe Marcu 15, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 131 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary or Tory, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 6.— Don’t hear much of Private HansBury since he got his stripes and ranks as Corporal. Time was when, in company with Tommy Bow tgs and that other young roysterer, the Blameless Bartiey, he used to hear the chimes at midnight and after. Now he sits in silent majesty at end of Treasury Bench. Sometimes a frown clouds his mazsive brow as he wonders how Tommy can prattle so about the Votes. Occasionally he turns and stares at the Blameless One, when he wants to know about those Old Age Pensions. Certainly it was a mistake to omit B. B. from the list of guests invited to the State Concert,—or was it a State Ball? Now omission corrected, what more can a man want? Corporal Hansury can’t understand the spirit of indiscipline that leads these private members, whether above or below the Gangway, to haggle with Finance Secre- taries about twopence halfpenny in the Votes, still less to presume to dictate to the | Leader of the House in what order he shall! present Ministerial business. To-night the Corporal broke his long silence: showed that his keen eye for a job, his mastery of facts and figures, his gift of lucid statement, which distinguished him when a private member and paved his way to the Treasury Bench, remain in full force. His Telephone Bill a thorough busi- ness measure; his exposition a model of clearness. Only once did he venture to scatter a posy on the mound of matter-of- | fact statement. That happened when in- | spired by reference to the personality of that friend of man, James Staats Forses. J. 8S. F., amongst other minor matters, is Chairman of the National Telephone Company. As such he conducted the earlier negotiations with the Post-Office. Worsted before the Select Committee on a particular point, or as nearly worsted as he ever is in that arena, JAMES Staats meekly retired with the remark, ‘‘ The moral law is enough for me.” “It is only fair to say, with regard to Mr. Forees,” said Corporal Hansury, “Tue SIMPLE SHEPHERD.” (Mr. J-s St-ts F-rb-s.) (After a sketch by Mr. H-nb-y.) \ ¥ rm Haviine THEM IN. \ Rah NX 4 if \ * i] iN : 1h: NO | WATER IN GRAND ConDITION FOR FISHING. (Mr. G-seh-n, Mr. M-c-tn-y, Mr. A. Co-mb-n.) “‘ that his voice is always the voice of a very simple person indeed, almost like the simple | shepherd in Arcady, but the hands are the hands of a very able Chairman of a Com- pany in the City.” A pretty idea that, bringing to the mind, as in a flash of sunlight on the camera, the bland smile, the kindly regard, the face almost boyish in its innocence, of the famous chairman. Sark says he believes that James Staats, though of course he did not actually sit as the model for Josaua RryNoups’s ** Angels’ Heads,”’ was in the painter’s mind when he sketched that immortal picture. I point out that’s impossible. Picture painted more than a hundred years ago; JAMES Sraats doesn’t look more than fifty. ‘** May be,” says Sark, in the tone of the unconvinced; “but in the ways of the world he’s more than a hundred. Besides, you will admit that Hansury is quite rigiit in his leading idea. A face like that wants the cherub’s wings painted in ; lacking them, there is a sense of incompleteness.” Business done.—Telephone Bill brought in. Twesday.—Nothing more pleasant than the personal good feeling a good temper that underlie political warfare in Parliament. Two members who have beea violently attacking each other across floor of House between six and seven in the evening two hours later may be found sitting in friendly converse at the same dinner-table. Illustration of this state of things forth- coming to-night. Ministerial Whip nomi- nated tive members to sit on Joint Committee with Lords to enquire into position of staff of officers in both Houses of Parliament. No Irish member on the list. Irish members protest, not so much because of slight to their country or of personal desire to sit on Committee. It is all on account of the Markiss. He, they say, in tremulous tones, doesn’t personally know an Irish member. Now here ’s achance. Put on Committee, of which the Markxiss will be Chairman, Dr. TANNER or RepmonpD Cadet. Then the Markiss will realise what he has lost through long years of, perhaps uninten- tional, certainly effective, isolation. The Markiss, of course, not here to speak for himself. If he were, easy to guess what he would say at prospect thus opened up. In his absetice his colleagues don’t like to take on themselves authority; so golden opportunity glides on and is lost, possibly for evermore. Business done?— LLOYD GORGE moves resolution declaring that system of primary education in England and Wales f weno immediate attention of Parliament. By majority of 204 against 81 House thinks not. - NOTICE ! - A. PREVIOUS MACHINE MAVING BEEN “GOT AT~ BY DESIGNING PERSONS NEW MECHANISM. HAS BEL INTRODUCED MAXING MORK THAN ONE DELIVERANCE AY AME IMPOSS! BLE - MPTS YO FORCE THER MACHINE, WiLL BE FRUITLESS AS ALL INTELLIGENCE IS THEN SWITCHED OFF er caves The New Brodrick Anti-Badgering Automatic Machine. ' ‘ if

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| PEOPLE 132 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 15, 1899. | au é 99 ee DECIDEDLY MIXED. Rector’s Daughter. ‘*Ou, LApy Horton, WE HAVE STARTED A Hockey Cuvs. WOULD ALLOW CoRA TO JOIN!” Lady Horton. ‘‘How ENTERPRISING ! Rector’s Daughter. ‘‘OH NO, NOT AT ALL, ” YoU I po WISH AND DO YOU PLAY A MIXED TEAM?” I ASSURE YOU THEY ARE ALL VERY NICE —— Thursday.—Joxtm, at table explaining | Navy Estimates, temporarily a changed man. The light-heartedness that sometimes touches the fringe of frivolity; the bubbling spirits; the playful banter; the instinctive tendency to see the comic side of things, which mark his daily bearing in the House, and have earned for him his pet name, ali vanished. Grave to solemnity ; bowed down with burden greater than man can bear. Truly no joking matter that Joxmm has in hand. Navy Estimates up again by nearly three millions. Joxrm remembers what happened last year and year before when British expenditure on ships and arms augmented. Continental nations promptly increased their fleets, and we must needs go one better. Even more miserable than Joxr is Sr. MicHaktL, sitting lower down the bench, wondering Where in the name of All Angels it’s going to end. St. Mics#ar. thinks bitterly of the £1,700,000 a year allotted the other day out of the taxes to the British landlord; of the £300,000 a year provided under the lrish Local Government Act for Irish Jandowners ; of the £600,000 a year contributed to the funds of church schools. How far off seems the time when such things were possible, and yet how near! Not so near as Budget Night, when Sr. MicHakt will have to face the music, with the notes of income very low, and the notes of expenditure exceedingly high. “A weary world, my Tosy,” he mur- mured. ‘I begin to lose all hope in man. We lift our eyes upon his works and ways, And disappointment chills us as we gaze ”’ }on the unprecedented expenditure of last | year. | |as when KILBRIDE was discoursing on Food Business done.—Joxtm introduces Navy Estimates for coming year. A little bill of £26,594,500, being an increase of £2,816,000 Friday.—Never saw House so surprised and Drugs Bill. Measure includes provision | legalising, under certain conditions, sale of | margarine. This opposed in interest of British butter. Krupripg, himself a tenant- farmer, whose proud boast is that he was the first man evicted in Plan of Campaign, defended Margarine Clause. “The fact is, Mr. SPEAKER,” he said, with confidential nod towards the Chair, ‘75 per cent. of the margarine coming to this country is used for cooking porpoises.” House plainly puzzled. Obviously, if porpoises were being prepared for the table, stewing in butter, or its substitute, would be a desirable process. But no one remem- bered observing the dish on a bill of fare. Perhaps KiLpripE was alluding to some | West of Ireland custom. Only the other | night Lecky discovered that distress in | those parts is due directly to the Atlantic | Ocean. The Atlantic has its compensations | as well as its disappointments. Possibly at high tide it deposits on the beach the play- ful porpoise, which is straightway carried off to the nearest cabin, cunningly treated with margarine, and dished with the mealy potato. Then there flashed on puzzled members ithe solution of the mystery. What Kit- BRIDE meant was “‘ cooking purposes.’ The homely word declaimed in fine North Gal. | way accent becomes the sportive fish. Business done.—In Committee of Supply. A Reproach from the Khalifa to the Tsar. Way is the world so bright to-day ? Why is the world excited ? Because we ‘ll have peace, And battles must cease, 3ut why wasn’t J invited ? Serirting Demanp.—Ordering two whis- kies and one soda. SHAKSPEARIAN ILLUSTRATIONS. ‘> ** Now in the waist.” Tempest, Act 1., Sc. 2.