Punch 1899-03-08: Vol 116

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ll at ial up ew ter nt, shy- sn’t hese USes. the | Hill, make a guess. Marca 8, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109 Tee AMA WY . me eee enema eer ne Oe _ Our Choir-master (afler lamentable failure on part of Pupil), ‘* Con- FOUND Ir! Il THOUGHT You SAID You couLD ‘ READ at SicutT’ ?” fupil. ‘So 1 can. But nor First Sieur.” BEHIND THE VEIL. A DIALOGUE OF THE “ DIs-CARNATE.” (Respectfully dedicated to Scientific ‘‘ Researchers,”’ and others.) Scene—Across the Border (more or less imaginary). The Spirit-forms of Puato, SHAKESPEARE, Herne, CHOPIN, and CHARLES LAMB are discovered seated at their ease upon clouds of reposeful downiness. Apart from them, sits a recently dis- carnate celebrity, looking a little shy and *‘ out of it.” Somewhere in the background is a kind of office or agency, a branch of ‘* The Society for the Promotion of Inter-mundane Intelligence (Limited),’’ and under the control of a disembodied Operator, whose duties are to arrange communications when and if desired. The Operator (speaking into his instrument). Yes? I’m here... . Who is it? ... Whom do you want?... Don’t think he can be here; but I’llinquire. (He comes forward.) Any gentleman here of the name of PiytTo, if you please? (The company shake their | heads, and he returns to his office.) Sure he isn’t still in the body ? ... Very well, spell it....P-L-A—oh, I see, my mistake—it ’s Pxiato you want. He’s here.... Well?... Plato - the Operator emerges once more). I am he for whom they seem to be inquiring. What would they with me ? Operator (apologetically). Master, they request a message. The tritest sentiment would be thankfully received. Plato. And who are these people that desire a greeting from me ? | Operator. Friends in London. Stucco-Portico Road, Notting Back parlour of small oil-shop. Highly select circle, and the medium, a Mrs. D1LGER, most respectable—never enters the trance-state under half a guinea a head. (Persuasively.) If you could see your way to obliging her—— | Plato. I pray thee make my excuses. For, in my opinion, no | prudent or reasonable person will be seen at such symposia. Operator (to himself, as he departs). I ll switch them on to some | Elemental. They won’t know the difference ! Shakespeare. Marry, good Master PLato, such a crew were no fit auditors for your philosophy, for Dame Nature hath endowed these curious impertinents with wits of a most exquisite grossness. Look you, I myself was once so lacking in judgment as to attend | a summons from “a choice coterie of Boston’s brainiest citizens ”’ | —a vile phrase !—and what think ye was the subject on which the | fat-gutted rogues prayed to be enlightened? Do but conjecture, | now. | Plato. Nay, these are matters at which it is not profitable to | | cloud). It—it’s all right. | is sound. _ Shakespeare. Why, the arrant knaves desired—so far as my limp- ing intelligence could o’ertake their purport—to be informed whether I had ever “ had any dealings in lard or bacon”’ ! Charles Lamb (with a chuckle). I should lul-lul-like to feel those gentlemen’s bumps ! ‘ Heine (dreamily). I remember how, soon after I had “ passed out,” I was interrupted in the midst of an intimate conversation with ARISTOPHANES (whom, by the way, I have never again managed to come across, though I am constantly encountering Korzesue), I was called away to attend a party of Géttingen professors, who were most anxious to hear of what disease I died, and whether I did or did not depart in the orthodox faith. It was then I realised how the celestial irony could reach me even beyond my mattress-grave ! Chopin. Quelle scie, one of those séances, eh? I also have been there—once. Mon Diew! that salon! and the heads they made around their stupid mahogany! Figure to yourself, they had extinguished all the gas, and one of them made me the compli- ment to massacre my Nocturne in E flat on a harmonium. My word of honour, a poor old poitrinaire of a harmonium, with a rdle like that of a dying horse! After that, they put me some ques- tions of an extraordinary inconvenance concerning my relations with—ah no, the name is not to repeat. So I box the medium on the nose with his own fist, and I come away. But again, my dears? Jamais de la vie! Operator (at back, in office). Eh? ...Can’t hear you... . Repeat, please. ...‘‘ MasTeRMIND,” did you say?... Masrerminp? Not known here. The Recently Discarnate Celebrity (as he rises, blushing, from his My name’s MasTeRMIND. At least, it was. Will you please ask who they are, and what they want. Operator. Psychical Research Society. Quite a small and in- formal party. Say they knew and admired you in the body, and have afew simple test questions they would like to put to you. The R. D. C. (moving forward in a pleased flurry). Oh, I’m sure I shall only be too—— Charles Lamb (detaining him kindly). Tut-tut-take my advice, Sir. D-don’t you go before that Bub-bub-board of Examiners till you’ve had more time to prepare yourself. These fellows are become so plaguy difficult of late that ’tis odds that TaucyprpEs would but scrape through in Gug-grecian History, and I verily believe they 'd pup-pup-pluck Horace himself for a false Latinity in his own vemeat The R. D. C. Oh, but I really think I ought. It’s so good of them not to have forgotten me yet. I think I may as well go and have a chat with them. (He enters the office, amidst the compas- sionate sympathy of the others, and is presently heard doing his best to satisfy his examiners.) Yes, it’s me, MASTERMIND... .I meant I, of course. .. . I can see you all—indistinctly. ... No, I don’t think I ever saw the gentleman next to the coal-scuttle with whiskers before....I never said the coal-scuttle had—how particular you are | If you say I met him once at a garden-party in Hamp- stead, very likely t did....No, I can’t recollect what we talked about. Was it the weather?... Wrong? Well, I'm sorry.... I’m afraid I have grown rather coupid; bat you do bewilder me so!... Please don’t all talk at once.... Forgive me, I’ve been here such a short time, and I find it so difficult to keep the control . ». Do ask me one more... . I fancy I do remember STopGEBURY sending me a pamphlet of his for my opinion just before I passed out....I’ve no idea what it was about.... I can’t say—unless it’s in the waste-paper basket. ... Indeed, I’m not playing the fool....I’ll try to pull myself together. Secondary state. Sub- liminal. Tea-cosy. Nothingsupernormal. Merest shirt-buttons. I’m afraid I’m getting a little incoherent— but I’m really not frivolling....I am Masterminp.... Not an impostor... .Cer- tainly not, confound your imp—— Don’t send me away yet! Oh, very well, I’ll go; but I tell you this: I’ve never been so consult —I mean in-sulted—insulted in all my life! (He leaves the office crushed. Shakespeare (making room for him by his side). Come, good Neigh- bour MasTEeRMIND, take not these things to heart. For all of us have been called upon at some time to suffer such indignities, which are doubtless ordered the better to convince us that (if I may re-fashion a phrase from a certain poor stage-play of mine own, which, belike if not forgot, is something musty by now) we have discovered a country from whose bourn ‘no wise traveller returns. FISHY CONUNDRUM. Q. When is a man like a marine monster ? A. When he’s a man-at-tea. Dupious ComPLIMENT TO A Pupiic Orator.—Sir, your advice VOL. CXVI.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron ~ SX ¥ . y - owt \S= Mn 3A we SY, i. \’ i ‘ gore Sm Z> Ba = . \ as ee NNR a ZR FERN ANY \ i: Mm 22 \\ N\NYATTIN — \ \ iD Pf) Tvaacc@? SHALL | BE POPULAR, THEN? The Chancellor of the Exchequer (considering the Budget). ‘‘I SHALL HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT OF SOME OF 'EM. THE QUESTION IS—WHICH ?”

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Marcu 8, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ENCYCLOPADIA BRITANNICA, (A Zululand Idyll.) [‘* The Zulu chief, Dintzuxv, paid a visit to the local agent of the Encyclopadia Britannica, and deposited the usual instalment of one guinea, so the volumes will be forwarded to him in due course.”’— Westminster Gazette.] Hane up my assegai! No more For me the tumult and the roar Of battle. I have done with war And all its dreadful panic. A Desire for peace hath seized me. I Beneath this shady palm would lie, And read at leisure my Ency- -clopedia Britannica. For thus is sweet contentment bred, And worldly sorrows all are fled ; Though Zululand be painted red, I do not care a particle ; I seek no more abroad to roam ; Give me the calmer joys of home Where I may con in this great tome Some interesting article. Arms have no more a charm for me; My ouly Maxims now shall be Proverbial Philosophy, As here pone we nen And then mark, Sir, I'll raid no mortal, white nor black, No kraal nor village will I sack— The only Hamlet I'll attack Will be the Prince of Denmark, Sir. Then, wife, bring forth my pipe, and you, | Most dear and dusky Number Two, | Might mix a glass of Mountain Dew, With art most talismanic. A Desire for peace hath seized me. I Beneath this shady palm would lie, | And read at leisure my Hncy- -clopedia Britanmca. Quousque Tandem? Self-satisfied North Briton. Eh! mon, wi a Scotsman in the Lairds and a Scotsman in the Commons going tandem taegither the | Liberal machine maun gae bonnily. Doubtful Southron. But which is to be the leader of your tandem ? [The North Briton had not thought of this. A HEARTY BRITISH WELCOME. The Whole Duty of Man. Mr. Punch (to the Hon, J. H. Cuoare). “Welcome! Your Excellency! There are only two | things necessary to make your visit a success. | Don’t believe afl you hear, and read your Punch regularly.’” ‘ | Father O'Flynn. ‘‘ AND Now, Pat Murpuy, IN THIS SEASON OF LENT, WHAT IS IT YE "LL DO BY WAY OF PENANCE?” Pat Murphy. ‘Sure, THEN, I’tL—I’LL CoME AN’ HEAR YoUR RIVERANCE PRAYCHE !” The picnics, lunches—add to these The endless duty calls, And how can man find time to play Fives, football ? ride or row ? While as for dons and lectures, they Departed years ago. TOWN AND GOWN. [‘‘ An evil, subtle, insidious, and of recent growth, | is sapping the integrity of ’Varsity life... . It is the amazing growth of the villadom of North Uxford . . . and the invasion of the eternal femi- |nine inte the monastic traditions of University life.’ —Pall Mali Gazette.) | | Then, too, we must make some return, And there are nasty pills For our poor paters when they learn The total of our bills. In times of old it was the town That raised our battle-cries, But now, alas! it is the gown That makes our battels rise. YEAR in, year out, the town spreads forth, The busy builders build, The Woodstock Road is creeping North, And Somers Town is filled With girls who our else-gloomy path Illuminate with lus- -tre leaving soporific Bath And Leamington for us. SvuITABLE BUILDING FOR TERPSICHOREAN EXxeERcIsE.—The Hop Exchange. ’Tis flattering, but then, the teas, The dinners, dances, balls,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 8, 1899. ate i "a // %, uh ae i, Bar, Mts Pane A), 1s ye. a / 2 DA JR HY) , 1) (i fl a), As ae a NES ‘4S, 4 “DO NOT SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL.” ’Arry (puffing a “ twopenny smoke,” to Huntsman, making unsuccessful cast), ‘‘ VERY BAD SCENT.” Huntsman, “SHockin’! SMELLS LIKE BURNIN’ SEA-WEED!” TO A FEMME INCOMPRISE. MY STAR. In a sullen, sulky mood, (With apologies to Robert Browning.) Or with tears in torrents raining, Aut that I read That she is not understood, In e certain Star Puy.uis ever is complaining. Shows that it’s freed Silly gi : . (As some papers are) yb tent peed al ' From the laws which bind PHYLLIS, you are right, no doubt, ofan ny - kind What you want is—understanding. that class of mankinc ; Styled gentlemen, So this Star is entirely beyond my ken. \ Rare Fryp.—According to the West- Now Harcourt they praise, now at BALFouR minster Gazette, a moa’s egg has been found ird, in a mining district in Central Otago. No They must solace themselves if the facts doubt, says the Cheerful Idiot, the miners belie it ; will be egged on by this discovery with the What matter to me if my Star is absurd ? hope of finding moa. It’s only a half-penny—therefore I buy it. A GREAT INTELLIGENCER. Paul Julius de Reuter, born at Cassel, July 21, 1816; died at Nice, Feb. 25, 1899. FAREWELL, DE REUTER, thou art gone, The world’s historian hour by hour ; But lightning-winged, with earth-wide power, Unceasingly thy work goes on. They need full epitaph, whose fame Were else oblivion’s easy prey ; *Tis here unneeded, when each day A myriad prints bear ReuTER’s name! QUERY FROM THE Law CourTs.—May a bad precedent be correctly described as a ** vice-precedent ”’ ? [** Aliens are now allowed to practise at the English Bar.'’— Westminster Gazette.} SoME OF THE BARRISTERS WE MAY EXPECT TO MEET IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD OF THE LAW CouRTs.

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Marcu 8, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113 OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. | In A Son of Empire (Hutcutnson) Mr. Mortey Roserts gives a splendidly vivid account of the storming of a snow-sentinelled pass in India during the most recent of our little wars. The cam- paign gave birth to some admirable descriptions written on the spot. For the almost brutal power of reproducing the sights and sounds of battle, my Baronite does not remember anything that | beats the chapters which tell how Black Blundell and Billy Gretton | made their way into the lair of the Gulis. How Captain Blundell, who happened to have made a bitter enemy of the Adjutant-General at home, got his great chance of service at the front is the pith of a story which those who like a hearty rousing book will do well to| order forthwith. As for Madge Gretton, she is delightful. In Infatuation (CHATTO AND Winvus), B. M. Croker, amongst | other live personages, has achieved two excellent portraitures. | One is that of Mrs. Pegrim, the selfish, domineering, wealthy | woman of the type that lives in large houses at Brighton and | Bath. The other is Mamie Fontaine, the beautiful, bright, breezy | American who moves through the conventionalities of English | upper middle-class Society with the freshness of a gust of wind over the prairies. Maria Talbot, evidently meant for the heroine, | is much too good for my Baronite’s daily food. Perhaps it is all part of the subtle art of the novelist. Miss Talbot's pro- voking submission to her termagant, tyrant aunt, certainly serves to make more striking and welcome the scene in which the Ameri- can girl calls in at Regency Square, Brighton, and lets the old woman have it right and left. The book is not intellectually ex- | haustive. But it is brightly written, full of go from start to finish, and, for a novel, the author therein chooses the better part. The Duke’s Servants (GAY AND Brrp) are not those of his own household, but the company of strolling players who enjoyed the patronage of the Duke of BuckrineHam, just now him- self upon the stage in the Three Musketeers. Mr. BurcHE.u| has made a painstaking, loving study of the time of which! he treats, ond is successful in picturesquely reproducing some | of its episodes. He has not hesitated to introduce historical personages on his canvas, including the Duke of BuckincHam and his assassin Fetton. According to my Baronite’s testimony, the | most real personage in the picture-gallery is the old lawyer, Job Grapplefee. As in a Looking Glass, by F. C. Putirps, has been re-issued by Mr. HEINEMANN in one volume, with Mr. GEorGE pu MAUuURIER’s illustrations, which, having been originally intended for a large édition de luxe, now appear in reduced circumstances. The novel, which came out many years before Mr. Pinero’s Second Mrs. Tanqueray, between which lady and the heroine of the novel there is a sort of family resemblance, even down to the last scene that ends the strange eventful history, is as much a story of to-day as it was of yesterday, and will be of to-morrow. Du Mavurier’s heroine seems too ladylike throughout the series, but the effect of the utter desolation of death, as expressed in the frontispiece, is most powerful. THE Baron vE B.-W. HOW TO SPEND A HAPPY DAY IN CHINA. (Extract from the diary of a Traffic Manager—in anticipation.) [‘*China is breaking up before our eyes, and the future will lie with the nations who understand what to do in such conditions.”’—Daily Paper.] I Turk after all I shall get matters fairly ship-shape. Had it not been for that skirmish with the enemy at O Mi I cutting, which stopped the mineral traffic for six weeks, it is quite likely that we might have been able to declare a dividend. But what can a Traffic Manager do when his time-table is subject to the interference of land torpedoes? And this sort of outrage does a great deal of harm with the travelling public. The Chinese are accustomed to an abrupt termination to their existence; still, an average, well- | conditioned Celestial excursionist prefers getting home to supper to | being blown to pieces in a tunnel. These surprises, a la Chinois, may be politics, but they are not business. Under the circum- stances, I have had to take the necess precautions to secure the tranquil progress of our Chinese Bank Holiday Special. Of course, there was little difficulty about starting it. timed it to leave at 4 a.m., before the hostile portion of the native population were up, and a company of the Blankshire Regiment easily cleared the streets for those having tickets distributed in advance. The land mines were cleared away without damage early before the hour of departure, and the bombs are now in safe custody. Our armoured engine was a — only a few thousand rounds of blank cartridge. This was | amply sutticient to put to flight the Tartar horsemen (commanded | by officers of European extraction) who made a demonstration at | We} eat success, and we made the first ten miles of the journey by | IO U,a small wayside station. iB 7; ii Y/ / Nurse. *‘Now, Miss EFFIz, YoU MUST BE VERY KIND TO YOUR SISTER’s LITTLE BABY, AND LOVE HER VERY MUCH.” Effie (much hurt). ‘*No, I won’r. It’s Too BAD. FATHER CALLS BABY HIS BLESSED GRAND CHILD, AND ONLY CALLS ME HIS LITTLE ErFriz. Wuy, I’m Five TIMES THE S1zgE oF THAT MITE!” Our first serious difficulty appears to have arisen at Hang Wang. Junction. Upon the arrival of the Chinese Bank Holiday Special the Refreshment Department was found to be strongly occupied by a force of Irregular Archers. The arrows from these warriors caused considerable annoyance tosome of our first-class passengers, who would put their heads out of the windows (contrary to the Company’s regulations) to see what was the matter. Fortunately, the Chinese, in their hurry, had forgotten to dip their shafts in poison, so the casualties were few onl unimportant. A mandarin of enlightened views was slightly wounded, but as he had somehow or other managed to gain admittance to the train without a ticket the Company was released from any pecuniary obligation. To emphasise this fact, he was at once arrested, and will be charged - ang Wang Police Court for travelling without paying his are. On leaving the Junction, the Chinese Bank Holiday Special started at full speed and got to Rum Go Hi ten minutes before the time advertised for its arrival. This was most satisfactory, as the enemy were out in their reckoning. The Chinese have a kind of native cuteness, which sometimes over-reaches itself. Fully aware of European customs, they had counted upon the excursion being an hour and twenty minutes late, and consequently, were lunching four miles off when the Special steamed into the station. And now I am called away to the telephone. Later.—Things have shaped themselves satisfactorily. The guard in charge of the Chinese Bank Holiday Special wired to the central office for instructions. It appears that after the luncheon, the enemy disappeared, and the excursionists were consequently able to spend a more or less happy day at Rum Go Hi. However, when it was time to return, it was discovered that the rails had been taken up for sixteen miles, and the track converted into tea-gardens. Under these circumstances, our travellers have converted themselves into a colony nominally under the Company’s protection. They are doing fairly well at present, living upon sponge cakes and ginger-beer— | the remains of the stock of refreshments at Hang Wang Junction. Naturally, as they are unable to use them, the return halves of their railway tickets will not be available for further conveyance. | This will be a distinct saving to the Company. However, after | mature deliberation, it has been decided by our Board of Directors not to run another Chinese Bank Holiday Special—for the present. Waar Publishing Firm ought to have a monopoly in Cookery | ooks ?—The Firm whose address is ‘‘ Al-dine House.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 8, 1899. Wi | lh 1} > MMip WML, ir — % weanil! 4 Bs ul} My f | | i ( : . j } i] / " SZ Ni ol Al Mrs. Miss B. ‘‘Dip you TAKE HER ANYTHING?” Miss B. ‘‘THAT WASN’T MUCH, WAS IT?” | D Hpi We Ue M SL ZZ ZF Srnit nde fe Jz A, ‘‘I’VE JUST BEEN TO SBE A POOR SOUL WHO WAS ALMOST DYING OF DESTITUTION.” Mrs. A. ‘‘Yes—a Pounp or Mutron.” Mrs. A, (indignantly). ‘‘QUITE ENOUGH TO MAKE HER SOME Begr TEA!” DEPRECIATIONS. VI. Tue KHALIFA TO THE BANNERMAN OF THE BAGGARA-PHILS. Brotuer,—for I detect in you a touch Of — humour makes the whole world cn— I have your epoch-making speech to hand Transported by the homing crocodile And sundry runners. ALLAH give you ease ! You, and the other friendlies, fait found. Scarce had I hoped, i’ th’ sanguine heart | of me, That such as you, being past your buoyant prime, And yielding ever to the young gazelle In feats of agile elasticity, So soon should learn of who —_— the step (Mortey and Lasoucuerg, long trained to th’ trick) To foot it gamely in the Dervish dance. And yet you cut a figure beats them both. They capered on the good old forthright nes, But never at their giddiest claimed to weave Your double-shuffle, where the dexter foot - wane — his 2 ae n uchI admired—in fighting figure o’speech— Beneath what dubious cover o’ baffling dark You es the pass-word to the enemy’s posts, And hit him sidelong as he slept and smiled. Am rather apt myself at night attacks, | And rude desertions. | Who also have a mixed and motley crew | Since it became me well, as kin But found my Sirdar sadly wide awake. Your missive makes complaint of mutin- ous ranks *Tis a bore, I grant, Leaves me at times unconscious where I am. Tis irksome in the middle of a fight And very catching. I, who write, have been | Affected by a sense of sovekypoo (The phrase is MArcHAND’s, being French, I think), And scooted like a rabbit, dog at scut. | And yet my motive shewed sublime and pure, p of men, At any risk, to save the army’s head, Though, incidentally, it meant my own. lives To fight (you follow me ?) another day, And, — run away again. | | One runs away—that ’s true—but then one | } Take my advice, Sir CAMPBELL, keep your head, Lest they, your men, remark the lapse of theirs ! Talking of which same organ, TI will add A reference to the Maupt’s. know At what a worth we all appreciate The feeling on this matter shewn by him, A certain Great Scorr* (bless his human heart !) You should | Who, through a rude experience, being attached To your decapitated party, proved Just how it hurts to be without a head, Even though otherwise inanimate. It does him credit none would wish curtailed, Although the truth were known I now impart. For,strictly speaking,(this between ourselves) The corpse in point, supposed as carted out O’ th’ Maupi’s tomb, was not the actual prophet, | But just a dummy artfully devised | For personation ; he, the seer himself, Having departed in the flesh complete | ALLAH alone knew where, no vestige left. | Need was, in lack of other optic proof, | That we should find a way to serve the wants | Of such as taste a moral stimulant I’ th’ precious thought that, when a pro- phet dies, They keep his corpse adjacent. Hence the ' |___ ruse; : | Which neither we that ran it dare avow For fear of vengeance due to tricks confessed, admit, Thinking to petrify the native mind By despite done to local wizard’s bones, Thus rendering old enchantments a So, safe on either hand, the secret holds. Yet none the less, as I observed above, The feelings of your philo-Dervish Scott And other stalwart anti-Sirdar braves, Do them a deal of credit, let me say. Perhaps you ‘ll kindly tell them so from me. And now—since I would have my sword- hand free— Farewell, and, once more, thank you for your vote. | Nor shall your virtue go without reward. |I march on Omdurman (route-map en- closed), Which site recaptured, I will keep a chair I’ th’ lately-founded College warm for you, In case you find your present place a frost. Accept my best embraces. ALLAH - go- bragh * It was a gentleman of this name, M.P., who wanted to know what Mr. Broprick had done with | the Manp1’s body, and especially the head of it. Nor they, the dummy-snatchers, choose to | | | a;

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marcn 8, 1899. ALICE IN BUMBLELAND. The Gryphon . . City oF Lonpon. Alice . . Tue Ricut Hon. A. J. B-ur-r. The Mock Turtle . . City oF WESTMINSTER. ‘WHAT IS THE USE OF REPEATING THAT STUFF,’ THE MOCK TURTLE INTERRUPTED, ‘‘ IF YOU DON’T EXPLAIN IT AS YOU °GO ON ? Ck TP i be eel =

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Marcu 8, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 17 “OURS” AND YEARS. WHEN all the world was young, Tom Rospertson’s Ours caught |the public taste almost as much as his Caste. Even in those | ‘* green and salad days” of the drama, when Mr. Bancrort was | the inimitable ‘‘haw-haw”’ swell, and when Mrs. BANcrort was | | already enormously popular as the Marrge WIxTOon of the rollicking old Strand burlesque period, the third act of Owrs was considered weak. But, for all that, it ‘‘ went” with roars of laughter as long as the two favourites were on the stage, making a pantomime pep playing with the rolling-pin, and roasting a “ property ”’ eg of mutton, while a portion of the British army, invisible to the audience, was supposed to be taking part in a sanguinary engage- ment somewhere “in the front,’ not ‘“‘of the house,” but at the back of the stage, or, in technical theatrical parlance, “ off.” ‘** Cannon to right of them, cannon to left of them,” and the spec- tators shuddered to think what had become of all the dramatis persone, of whom, with the exception of this comic pudding- making couple, the stage seemed to have been cleaned at one fell swoop. But without the Bancrorts, and in the up-to-date audience, what a mere hap-hazard charade, what a thin piece of workmanship, does RoBERTSON’s Ours appear! Even the tinish of the second act, with the shouting couple at the window, and the fainting heroine in front (Miss Manet Trerry-Lewis faints, and acts, effectively), while ‘‘ without” (all the effects are ‘‘ with- out ’’) the Colonel is heard shouting his commands, the band is heard playing, the troops are heard marching, even with all this expenditure of energy, this finish of the second act, once the great success of the piece, is comparatively tame and flat. Mr. Joun Harg, as the Russian Prince Perovsky, is as good as he ever was, probably better; but now-a-days the audience, regarding the character with wonder, ask themselves, ‘‘ How is this? Harr has absolutely nothing to do!!”’ Nor has he. Very little has he to say, and that little not particularly brilliant, but positively nothing whatever todo. Ours disillusions us. It is of the past. We are delighted to have seen it once again, and so to have learnt where exactly to place Tom RoBertson as a dramatist of his own short day, whose work was not intended to live for all time. (ir. Freperick Kerr, as Hugh Chalcot, has to carry the entire ee with occasional assistance from Miss May Harvey, as Mary Netley. Mr, GitserT Hare is excellent as the old soldier, troubled by a De of a to-day’s THE RETURN OF “OUR MR. BERESFORD.” Lord CHARLES BEREsrorp sailed for England on Wednesday, March 1. —_ secret, and an irritating wife. ; | Before sailing, he told a deputation that ‘‘he had succeeded in assisting he play was not written for these actors, nor for the playgoers | England and America to act together.’ of 1899. Voild tout. English nation has no taste for music. You} Aug. Ah yes, a habit. |see, in this country a man is not allowed to} Rob. Ohno! A woman wears a habit on beg, unless he makes some horrible noise at | horseback. AUGUSTE AND LUDWIG. At a Music Hatt. Ludwig. Now will the ballet begin. Ach, the beer was excellent! You have good beer in England, almost as in the Father- |land. The Englanders like what good is, but not the good music. Robinson. What? Why, we have about twenty concerts a week in London, and any amount of German music Auguste. Ah ga, the German music! And however she is superb, dear Mister. Lud. Naturely. Thank beautiful. The Germans as musickers and the French as artists are worldrenowned. Your sculpture and your architecture are wonderbeautiful, dear Mister Colleague. Rob. When you two have finished com- plimenting each other, I should like to know where we come in. | Aug. Vous entrez? | Lud. Sie kommen herein ? | Rob. I mean, what can the English do ? | Aug. Ah ga, voyons! The aftairs, the commerce, the colonisation. Lud. Ja wohl! The universaleommerce- undertaking. But not the music. Rob. Why, we have about twenty concerts a week —— Lud, That can well be, but you have twenty turn-organs, twenty mechanic pianos, every day in every street. Aug. C'est ca! The ambulating organs. 0b. By Jove, you’re quite right! I’d forgotten the organs for a moment. The —————— | Aug. the same time. Aug. What idea! Rob. Anyhow we're slowly improving in architecture and sculpture. Aug. That may himself. your new Ministry of the Marines, and your Charing Cross Road. Quel chemin de traverse! Also I have seen your com- memorative monument of—how say you ?— la Buvette du Temple, the Temple Bar, and your statue of a queen in a car of battle Rob. Boapicea! oh, lord! If you ’ve seen the plaster cast of her I can say no more. You’re quite right. We’re only fit to be shopkeepers and shepherds. Lud. What music concerns are you truly not artlovehavers. But your music halls are very beautiful, without music naturely. Aug. Superb, as comfortable. And this | ballet is ravishing, as spectacle. Lud. The colours are charming. Aug. And all the world is in frock or in smoking. One is always so well put. | Lud. In the Fatherland carry man a go- coat in the theatre. |_ Rob. Carry a go-cart into the theatre? What for? I never saw one? Lud. A go-coat. Ein Gehrock. Rob. Oh, you mean a frock-coat. Lud. Ach nein! Nota frock. Aug. Un frac? That is a frock. Rob. No. A woman wears a frock—— Je n'ai jamais vu une femme en frac. But a man wears a frock-coat. Rob. I have seen | Une femme a cheval That but Aug. Comment ga ? en frac? Sapristi! ud. A frock, or a frock-coat. not. I sayed a go-coat. Aug. Un veston, peut-étre? A vest ? —_ On the contrary. That’s next your skin. Aug. Au contraire? Alors un pardessus, a by-above ? Lud. What for a thing is that? A hat? | Rob. No,no! Notahat. Hin Ueberrock. | Lud. Vielleicht ein Havelock. That is | quite English. | Rob. I never saw one in this country. | The nearest thing is an Inverness cape. Aug. Ah, le Cap d’Inverness. That is in Scotland near of the First of the Fourth. Rob. We’re really getting too mixed. Frac in English is dress-coat. Aug. But you say that a o- is a robe of woman. A woman carry a dress-coat then. Rob. No,no! A woman wears a frock or a dress, but never a coat. Lud. Wirklich? A petticoat is then a | manly dress ? Rob. Oh, I give it up. It’s bad enough to try to translate the names of men’s | clothes, but if you want me to tell you the tea-gown or tailor-made jacket, or the fom for chiffon or toque, the French for | |German for blouse or crape, whatever language those two “4 be, I’m done for completely. Now the go to my club, and have some oysters. allot is over, let’s | |

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 8, 1899, | | hth he 4 A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY. Sylvia. ‘‘1 woxsDER WHETHER HE ’LL BE A SOLDIER OR A SAILOR 9” Mamma. “‘ WoULDN’T YOU LIKE HIM TO BE AN ARTIST, LIKE Papa?” Sylvia. ‘‘Ou, ONE IN THE FAMILY ’S QUITE ENOUGH!” THE MODERN PHILANTHROPIST. (Extract from a Domestic Drama to be per- formed after the passing of the Coming Act.) ScensE— A study comfortably but plainly furnished. Philanthropist discovered srweg a volume entitled ‘‘ Lives of the Jsurers.” Phil. (closing book with a shudder). What terrible people! How could: they have had the heart! How could they have had the heart! [Bursts into tears and buries his face between his hands. Enter softly Youthful Stranger. asi Stran. (gently). You are greatly moved ir Phil. (rising). Indeed, I am. And _ so would you be were you to read the wretched story. Tales of cruelty, ruin, and sixty per cent.! Oh, the pity o’ it! the pity o’ it! And yet these men were Englishmen! How | could Britannia survive with so many un- | worthy sons? But let that pass. What can | I do for you, young Sir ? Y. Stran. ren dey You can save me from dishonour! I am miserable, wretched. Phil. The orgs | are always welcome in this poor abode. Take that easy chair— it is ever at the service of such as you. Y. Stran. (seating himself). You are too kind. I might have expected a harsher reception, for I come to crave a favour. Phil. (smiling and handing an address card), You will see from that—it contains my only name—that it is not only my pleasure but my duty to succour those in temporary distress. Y. Stran. (sadly). You call my distress temporary ; would it were so! Phil. Hope, young Sir, hope! Now that you have come to me all will be well. (Cheer- fully.) And now let me hear what you have to say. Y. Stran. I blush to tell you. I have backed horses that have come in last; engaged in games of chance that have ended in disaster; have been thriftless and ex- travagant. Phil. (with a kindly smile). Nay, do not take it so much to heart. I have heard the same from scores, perhaps even hundreds. But now you are reformed, and you intend to turn over a new leaf ? Y. Stran. (earnestly). Yes, indeed, if I can but obtain a cool two hundred. That sum once within my grasp and I disburse it wisely, I shall be changed. No longer will ruin stare me in the face, but prosperity | will make all smooth before me. Phil. It shall be my object to realize that dream. But first read the conditions. Y. Stran. (taking document and perusing it). Why, every line is redolent of the noblest charity ! Phil. Not at all. And if at any time you think yourself aggrieved, a judge of the high court will see that all is right between us. (Writes out draft and hands it to his visitor.) And now look confidently to a happy future. | Y. Stran. (gratefully). My benefactor! You are indeed a guardian angel. Phil. (smiling). No, young Sir, but only— to quote the language of the recent Act—a | moneylender. (Proudly.) And I would not exchange that honourable title for an Earldom! [The Youthful Stranger kneels for the | Philanthropist’s blessing which is being bestowed wpon him as the curtain | shuts out the touching tableau. Hearts or Hoax.—Flirts. Sir W. B. Ricumonp has consented to become the first President of the Coal-smoke Abatement | | Society. root. ow. a. ee a ee eee ee ee Mt aw he ho a ho an or foe ee mee fe rooxocoenm

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3 yme ent | Marcu 8, 1899.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 119 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Drary or Tosy, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, February 27. —SaGE OF QuEEN ANNE’s Gate thrilled example of their business aptitude and instinct of organisation, showed me three- lined whip he had received from their paid secretary. ‘‘Dere Sur,” it ran, ‘‘ we hope you wil House with story from Northampton. bee in ee plase on Tewsdey procks wen Prefaced it by asking leave to move adjourn- | Father Lassy wil bring owr sad kase befor ment in order to discuss matter of urgent! Parleymant. Wot we reely wont is too keep 7 WE BuT wE ARE\@ HAPPY IN OUR YA OBJECT LESSO The System of Silent Protest by Medals is capable of extension—even to the House itself. (Mr. L-s-z, Mr. S-t Sm-tH, Major R-scu, and Sir E. A-p B-TL-TT.) | public importance. That is the formula} things goin so that we shant have to go rovided to meet cases of extreme urgency. | back to schule befor the Eeester Olidaze, | {embers held their breath to learn what it | wen we wont hav two. Its mutch jollyer | was all about. The Sace soon let them| going about with owr meddles than being | know. | versus Voluntary School. beaten. hopes of stern, unbending Nonconformity, Availing themselves of Conscience Clause, these sturdy Roundheads withdrew when hour struck for religious exercise. One day came back decorated with tin medal which | bore the strange device, ‘* We want a Board | | School.’’ Nothing better harmony and spread education. School managers took another view of situation. | Insisted on removal of medals as prelimi- nary to entrance to school. The Noncon- | formist Conscience revolted. ‘* Remember Marston Moor!” was the grim watchword | that ran through the ranks of the dauntless | three hundred. ‘* No medal or no school!” | was the answering cry from the clericals. | In the end a lock-out. | Scarcely a dry eye in the House as the | Sack, in simple accents, told this appalling story. Gorst, time-honoured trifler, that it would be no use his attempting to evade reply by | jests or subterfuges. In this dilemma p An | 0’ Gorst fell back upon the Committee of | Council on Education. Heard a good deal tribunal, the Vehmgericht of our educa- tional system. Recourse to the incantation of its name showed how desperate was con- dition of the Vice-President. Of course the Sack was voted down by mechanical ma- jority. But he had made his appeal to Christendom. The Member for Sark tells me that the ‘locked out have regularly organised them- selves, and serious trouble may ensue. As Northampton on question of Board School} think you do. Board School | Sined on bearf of the pore lokked out chil- Three hundred children, rising | dern, Mary Ann Jones, Seckertary.” consequently had to go to Voluntary School. | | Shoulder to Shoulder, The Law calculated to promote | CHANNING publicly warned JoHN 0’ | t Session about that mysterious august | Been, it appears, hard fight at|chaned up in skule and wopped for enny- | So mind how you vote. | How touching is the reference to the Sac. “Father Lappy!” hundred of them. Business done.—The cry of the children from Northampton smothered by majority | of 102 in a House of 300. Tuesday.—To R. G. WessTER (author of | elating to | Canals, Why I Wrote a Dictionary, &c.) life will henceforth be a long regret. Had | motion on the paper dealing with the Mercan- tile Marine. Placed third on list. Long experience has shown the talented author that when he takes the floor members shrink from standing Shoulder to Shoulder. On the contrary, they strictly observe the primary Law Relating to Canals, and flow outwards. Prognostication was justified by the fact that scarcely had he commenced his speech And there are three | | when a count was called. To the surprise of every one, not least of those who contri- buted to the event, forty members were forthcoming. Here was R. G.’s dilemma, so serious that no words in his dictionary would adequately describe it. Taking it for granted that he would, as usual, be counted | out, he had spared himself the pains of pre- paring aspeech. So, having rambled round the subject for some twenty minutes, he, in a manner ever child-like and bland, took the House into his confidence. ‘Tf I’d only known, you know,” he said, ‘*T would have been prepared to make you | a much longer speech.” House bore up under disappointment with | heroic fortitude. Made — attempt to count itself out when the SPEAKER came back from his evening meal. Fortified by | | | his chop, and inspired by R. G.’s eloquence, the SPEAKER declined to take a hand in the little game. Wouldn’t even count. Was sure there were forty members somewhere. oo were just eleven in the House.) So ebate went on till midnight, R. G. tossing about on his seat as from time to time there flashed on his mind things he might have said in his speech. P Business done.—Private members’ night and no count out. Thursday.—The ancient kingdom of Fife is in full revolt. Board of Trade have re- cently erected fog-siren on Inchkeith. By question addressed to President, DanzIEL brought consequences under notice of sympa- thetic House. When Ulysses visited Kirk- caldy, he, as we learned at school, stopped the ears of the captain and the pv with wax to prevent their hearing the eirens. For himself, he was tied with ropes to the funnel of the steamer, so that if the sirens’ song lured him, he might not be drawn to destruction. That all very well as far as Parthenope, Ligeia, and Leucosia were concerned. Fife has learned a thing or two since those days, and now has a siren which, like illie MacPHERSON’s bacon, ‘ defies competition.” According to Dauzigt, you can, in the dead unhappy a, hear the thing hoarsel whispering for twenty miles inland. It passes over a whole constituency, devas- ER-DEMPI, OR DAMSES THE GREAT. Mr. J-un A-Rp.

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120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 8, 1899.

tating peaceful bedrooms, making the popu- lation fiterally sit up. In spite of peculiar adaptability of personal appearance, Rircure refused to play the part of Ulysses; would have nothing to do with encompassing the destruction of the Siren of Inchkeith. It was there to warn vessels off a dangerous coast. Couldn't wreck a few ships in order that Kirkcaldy might sleep. Here subject dropped; idle to suppose it is settled. The Kingdom of Fife is not to be trified with, as the President of the Board of Trade may learn to his cost. Business done.—Got into Committee on Army Estimates. Friday.—All a mistake to suppose the Tsar is author of project of Peace Congress.

Thirty-five years ago DrummMonp WOLFF | dreamed the same dream. Told it at length | | in the columns of the Tin | suggestion was that Ministers of Foreign | ws. His definitive Affairs of first and second-rate Powers | should yearly meet in Congress, should | discuss such matters as form the subject of difference or correspondence between States and suggest amicable measures for their adjustment. Nothing came of the letter, rae there may be traced to it the war between Austria and Prussia which blazed | forth in 1866. But the effort was well meant, admirably reasoned, and forestalled the Tsar. The letter, bearing date 18th of May, 1864, is modestly signed ** W.”" The — shows that the wee modest flower of the early | sixties has blossomed into the Right Honour- able Sir H. Drummonp Wotrr, G.C.B., G.C.M.G., H.B.M. Ambassador at Madrid. | SaRK wonders whether his old friend, if the choice was offered him, would not barter his well-earned honours for their price in the thirty-five years that have sped ? Business done.—Vote for Men in Army Estimates.

By Tue IncukeIiTH SIREN IN FuLL BLAsT. Ii’s a puir nicht for Kirkcaldy !

A QvgsTiIon For FrencnH Drptomacy.— In the Muscat matter, who played the part of the mouse, and who that of the feline ? Ah) ‘*THat’s LovisA KNAPP. SHE A YEAR.” “Vicon! yien! HAS FIVE Wisu I

SISTERS, AND THEY'VE EACH GoT Two THOU’ WERE A Mormon!”

| let’ ’em all—come!” SORTES SHAKSPEARIANZ For the ‘*‘ Coming Race,” i.e., the U. B. R. OPENING at haphazard King Henry VI., Part 3, at Se. 1 of Act V., I come upon the line— **O cheerful colours! see, where Oxford comes!’ Now, at first sight this seems to imply that Oxford is to be the winner. But, on re-consideration, I ask myself, *‘ Can dark blue be correctly described as ‘ cheerful colours’?”’’ And the answer is—dubious, but inclining towards the negative. Then the remainder of the line, ** See, where Oxford comes!” It is not ‘ See! first Oxford comes!’’ But simply, “ See, where Oxford comes!’ which may indicate an easy winner or out of it altogether. There- fore, on the whole, I am not inclined to risk much on this particular sors Shaks- peariana, though it does seem to me that all ’ ful colours.” blue ”’ strength of thisline, back Oxford, and if they win, don’t let them forget Vitt VATES THE VISPERER.

Morro ror A Hovsg-Acent. — “ We pa gee = on the interpretation of ‘ cheer- | Some may consider “ dark | as ‘“‘cheerful’’; let these, on the TO LYDIA. (By the Boy.) To you I came all diffident, One modest dance was all I wanted. With smile of radiant assent The boon I craved you granted. We sought the curtained alcove ; there We lingered in the shade together, I wondered at your golden hair— We talked about the weather. And then (did you not notice ?) while [ plied you with attentions zealous, We saw old Horace look and smile— I fancied he was jealous. Yet, now I know you, all in vain ‘Tis with reproaches to affront you; Not that you’re fickle I complain, But—that I cannot shunt you.

She meant Nothing Wrong. Curate (to American Visitor). How do you like our church, Mrs. GoticHTty? It is | very generally admired. Mrs. Golightly. Yes, it’s very pretty, but) if it only had a elock fixed on the tower, | lit would be useful as well as ornamental. —_——<<—