Punch 1898-12-17: Vol 115 Iss 2997

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STRAND MUSICAL MAGAZINE | Mt |.romess, Grand Christmas Double Mumber Ene 0: aio Twenty Attractive Songs and Pieces,—Illustrated Articles,—Biographies, etc. SHILLING, and Bookstalls. ——_—— — (mm. 5 LEP

. w fa) w Zz ve} 4 a 2 a Begistered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. Contributions. whether MS.. Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, wii Bot be rei. Dea Unies accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. PRICE THREE PENCE. by {ny yi wg) , ~ a iS as) i . ghiflil NN SD \ ff ! lL = Ay) ” « Me | (11 r i “4! WAL LN Hy i ——— — 74 * Ny ANA r ~- 4 ] mn "h TA | ia ty ay "y ) ) | NUNS ne Dy f « ! ‘4 ' ; NN ' (| es, Se K *« ) cate Wry * PUNCH OFFICE, 85, eae STREET, ““~~"'g aT: ee . : LONDON, “CADBURY'S seta MOST REFRESHING, INVIGORATING, AND ‘SUSTAINING, Free from drugs or any foreign admixture. @@ NOTICE—Communications or

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 17, 1898. MR. HEINEMANN’S NEW BOOKS | For Christmas Presents. Gai mee AND HIS PLACE Ra ENGLISH ART ity Ws nw oft National Gallery ‘oo Magn r ' rated. One ¥ large Lamang DA VINCI, Artist, Fetaher and 2 of La: — IN PARIS. ine Taste fron ay, ” M wi th = price £2 PASMr0N 1 Th sae Ts oy P rene ve ( A} HISTORY OF DANCING. st Aon & Our Own Times j f y en With « oe mw in Bngiand by ~ arn One strations Ome v , to, cloth gilt top, Ss. net LONDON TYPES. By WILLIAM th GQuatorzains by W. FE ABET. By WILLIAM oy print of the P aper, S« I j k A AX! ALPH pular Edition r THE FORBIDDEN ‘LAND: . GENET | IN MOROCCO, MOORES EL ACKSA By KR. BR. ¢ urney 4 With a Portrait Wit LLIA M SHAKESPEARE: In one volume nd be L pression t ,- & aad aut NEWEST SIX-SHILLING NOVELS. THE 8°. atren Beeant with 119 Illustrations, is Now a @ PERFUMES Us ool. Demy *v« loth, gilt top, ims UNIPORM WITH “FAMOUS VIOLINISTS AND FINE VIOLINS } vo AND VIOLIN, is Now Ready SWEET SCENTS From every flower that breathes a fragrance ee Presents

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ee RAL. SIERS, ) days, STINE, tinople + 32M Farrar Decempzr 17, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SEATS OF THE MIGHTY.—I. THe Matwoop Easy Cuair, Wood grown in the New Forest. A big, com- fortable arm-Chair, suitable for the cultivution of one’s own fireside. This Chair has had many vicissitudes. Was finally sold at Derby in love with a presentation set of china and a water-bottle. Now permanently at Malwood. It has a Welsh fringe, AN UNFORTUNATE MORNING. Wirs the careful economy of the newly married, I had set aside a certain sum for my Christmas presents, arranging before- hand the exact amount I would expend on my wife, my relatives, the dear little Gar- way children, and others. To fliner down Bond Street, conscious ot the agreeable power of giving immense pleasure to those one loves, by a few seasonable gifts, is a sensation of luxury. But things happened rether awkwardly. In the palace of silver and leather, where I lingered looking for a suitable present for Dorotuy, I met a cigarette-case of such obvious suitability to myself, that not to order it—with my initials in plain, heavy silver-gilt—seemed almost a foolish extra- vagance. Again, at the jeweller’s, where I sought for a single gem to sparkle in my wife’s pretty hair, a certain pair of tur- quoise studs and a pin, of exquisite though severe workmanship, appealed, beyond re- sistance, to my sober, cultivated taste. Searching for a “useful” present for a pet aunt of practical leanings, I found in the celebrated umbrella-shop a perfect little stick. It was neither too large nor too small. It was distinguished, but not eccentric ; it seemed made for me, and 1 hoped it would accompany me on many a pleasant ramble. I now rather hastily passed into a book- shop to get Every Boy’s Annual and Little Folks. How pleasant it would be to see the bright eyes of the dear little Ganways become brighter still as they read the delightful stories and put their sticky fingers on the lovely pictures! Children always Judge of artistic productions, when it is possible, by the sense of touch—some- times even by that of taste, and there may be much to be said for their view. But in this too fascinating home of literature, ill- luck again pursued me. I am a bibliophile at moments, and the atm re of a library goes to my head warps my calmer judgment. Some exquisitely bound volumes of a favourite work, and a valuable first edition of another I had long wished to possess, forced themselves upon my notice. After all, some one else was sure to give the Garways their picture-books! When I got home I found that, though I had exceeded the sum put aside for that urpose, I had not bought a single present, was ten pounds in debt, and the parlour- maid had to pay my cab. All this is caused by weak good-nature. It is a fault I must guard against. DOGS AND THEIR DUTY. (By Our Own Reporter.) A meetine was held, within the last week, at midnight, in the absence of the moon, to consider the recent speech of Mr. Lone about the muzzling order, The chair (a garden one) was taken by Mr. Fox Terrier. The spot chosen for the gathering was a little-frequented square. The chairman said that he had great leasure in presiding on that occasion, as fe felt his canine colleagues had a distinct ievance. Personally, he was little af- ected by the iniquitous muzzling order, as when he took the air it was in a carriage. Mr. Sueere Doe protested against “side.” No one wanted to hear about Mr. Fox Terrier’s carriage-drives. The chairman intended no offence. He only desired to say that he was acting un- selfishly in the matter. He called upon Mr. Poopiz to move the first resolution. Mr. Poopie, at this appeal, begged to move “that it is the opinion of this meet- ing that the entire human race is becoming insane, and consequently, if the muzzle be necessary, it should be removed from the dog to be placed on the mouth of his so- called master.” Statistics proved that man was rapidly becoming non compos. It really was too ridiculous that mad men If Sir Edward Bradford cannot allow Cabs to have Foot-warmers, may we “os that Constables on point duty have them? They would be much appreciated these cold days. ’ SEATS OF THE MIGHTY.—II. Tue ‘Jo Jo” Exranpine OCnatr, As worshipped in the savage dependencies of the Empire. A very elegant chair, constructed on screws (patent wer Can also go higher. Now at the Colonial Office. [From the collection of the Marquis of SALIsnuRY. | should interfere with sane dogs. He trusted that his proposal would be carried. The discussion was continued by other speeches. When a division was about to be organised, a sudden cry of “ Police!” brought the proceedings to a close. SALADE DE SAISON, [Flower salads are the latest fashion in Paris, } To be ever in the fashion With some people is a passion, And to help them is the object of this ballad, By directing their attention To the latest French invention Gastronomical, the famous Flower Salad. Tho’ to some it may seem silly To eat salad made of lily— Picca-lilli is the sort they have a mind for— There are others who ’ll devour Ev’ry kind and sort of flower, Tho’ it . cauliflower they really are inclined or. At chrysanthemums and roses Some may turn up scornful noses, And decline to eat them even on compul- sion, But those who the Fashion follow A convolvulus will swallow, Tho’ it nearly sends them into a convulsion. VOL. CXV,

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278 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemezr 17, 1898, a ~~ = AS ‘ iil + Rta Wo SS THE RIGHT SORT. A frikander (to John Bull). ‘‘1 DID THINK OF GIVING You A Sur, Bur I’Lt MAKE IT TarRTY THOUSAND A YEAR INSTEAD,” John Bull, ““‘Tuanx you, my Boy! It's uncommon HANpsomE oF you!” u/ J “Hi . Yj Z WD y, me ( LAL] a gel Ss Sh tee , \ ——. -* ~ Ss ~ ™~ —~ MH), Mi, aeyare WL “I

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December 17, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “IF WISHES WERE HORSES.” “Te wishes = horses, beggars would ri X Ah! that isa proverb my heart endorses. What stables would Fate for us all provide, If wishes were horses ! When longing and fancy unite their forces, In our dreams at least we are “ deified,” Day dreams that are Joy’s unfailing sources. And you and I surely might side by side O’er the stiffest of Life’s cross-country courses . “ Ride, ride together, for ever ride,” If wishes were horses! CONFIDENCES. (Extracted from Mr. Punch's Post-bag.) Ill. Dear Sir,—I venture to ask your assist- ance in a most delicate matter. Nothing short of destitution could have caused me to make such an appeal, and I am sure that you will regard it as written in strict confidence. Iam, Sir, a Family Ghost. In the good old days, I did uncommonly well ; my work for leading novelists kept me busy through most of the year. But it was in the months of November and December that my best season came, for there was hardly a Christmas number published in which 1 didn’t get a job. Punctually as the last stroke of midnight on Christmas eve faded into silence, I appeared at the heroine’s bedside. Beckoning with impressive fore- finger, I bade her follow me, and together we passed through the lonely oak corridors of the ancestral mansion. Outside the wind moaned drearily, and the snow fell fast. (I often thought that it must be horribly cold work for the poor girl, but of course that was no business mine.) Arriving at last at the topmost attic, I pointed to the spot in the wall where a secret spring released the sliding panel. The girl pressed it, and fell forward in a swoon. Next morning she was found there, with a scared face and the Missing Will, which proved, of course, that the ancestral mansion was really the property of her young man. Scores of writers have hired me for this job, and I’ve always given complete satisfaction. Now and then my line was to terrify the villain and cause him to confess. But for my assistance in this way, the story could never have been ended at all! But I always succeeded; no one ever gave a villain a worse kind of fits than I did. Then I could gibber. Now, it isn’t every ghost that can gibber really well, I assure you. Also I may add, that none is better at the clanking-chain busi- ness than myself. In fact, I was a ghost whom the public loved, and upon whom the writers felt that they could rely. Alas! For some reason which I cannot understand, my work has fallen off la- mentably of late. Each year for some time past my services have been less in demand, and—strictly between ourselves—this Au- tumn I have not had a single engagement. Most of the Christmas numbers have already appeared, the rest will follow in a few days, but not one writer in them has offered me a job. Could there be blacker ingratitude for many years of faith- ful service? There was indeed one excep- tion; a young novelist did ask for my menaee, oe pe he wasn’t by any means a ing man, lagreed to help him through with his story. One can’t afford to be particular in these dreadful days. SSRAASAN OY a LS) \ = NN Governess. ‘‘Now, Linstey, you MAKE YOU ILL!” MUSTN'T HAVE ANY MORE PivM-PuppING. Linsley. ‘‘ NEVER MIND, IT'S worF iT!” It ‘LL Imagine my disgust when, having nee a 0 a post at last, the story was return a employer by a brutal editor, with the) following insulting note, ‘‘No thanks. | Spooks are ‘off’!” “Spooks are off,” in- | deed! Iask you, Sir, is that a p r way to speak of an old-established so highly re ble ghost like myself ? nd so, Sir, I venture to appeal to you. Your ——_ heart will feel for me; you will pity, I am sure, a spectre who has | seen better nights, and is now out of work through no fault of his own. If you can’ yourself find a job for me, may I ask ou | to recommend me to your friends? ey | won’t regret employing me ; they will find me as punctual and energetic as ever; and surely the public has not lost all liki for its old favourite ? For obvious reasons, I will not append my name. If, as I trust, you wish to help me, kindly let me wait on you in your | office at midnight. | | | THIS CORRESPONDENCE MUST NOW CEASE. In vain, O Tailor, you expend Your penny stamps. In vain you send Letters persuasive, letters short, Letters that threaten County Court, Letters cajoling, that repeat The old, old “heavy bills to meet ” ; I tell you, Tailor, ’tis in vain, I’m down upon my luck again ; Have you none rs you can fleece ? This correspondence must now cease. No longer, Manet dear, from you Must I receive these billets dour, No longer must you su me To lunch 4 deur. It must be. For now your husband—oh! no doubt se» bal on mid and stout, y ;, still, you see, You married A a jilted me, So, to preserve domestic peace, This correspondence must now cease.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI [Decemser 17, 1898, BARNEY, COME AND HELP ME! O Brien. “‘On, MURTHER ALOIvE ! PAT HAS FALLEN INTO THE MORTAR, AND HE'S UP TO THE ANKLES!” MeCeorge. ** Och, IF HE'S ONLY UP TO THE ANKLES, HE CAN WALK out.” ” O' Brien. *“‘Ou, BEDAD, BUT HE ’8 IN HEAD FIRST BACK IN BERLIN. (By Mr. Punch’s Vagrant Contributor.) Watt, Witt, it ’s jolly to get back home with all your uniforms safe, and the Empress’s new Sultan-diamonds, and your white silk dust-cloak (my eye, it was a one-er!): I bet you had done up your moustache and put an extra curl in When you saw you were really arriving at last, after all the speechifyings and ridings about and all the backsheesh-spend- ings, back again in dear sandy old Berlin. You've had no end of worry, old man (it’s so delightful to be familiar with an Emperor even on paper; you don’t mind my country manners, do you?), for it isn’t all beer and skittles To knock about in these Eastern countries, and to feed on kabobs and pillauw and every sort of horrible Oriental victuals. I wonder if you smoked a nargilhé, just by way of turning on the right kind of local colour, when you dined with your friend the Suntan ? I did once, only once, and I may tell you (but don’t let it go an further: you’re a pal, and I tell you things I wouldn’t te anybody else) that I found directly afin 4 that my colour ~ a pale green diversified with a disagreeable ki of ull tan. It wasn’t bad, of course, to stand up with your helmet on your head and your sword at your side and your spurs jingling, and to proclaim a message of peace to the universe : Though I it that the subject is almost too grand and wonder- ful and suggestive to be spoken of in what I’m half afraid you may ~— call my puny verse. a it’s simply topping to assume protectorates over religions and dedicate churches and read lessons and to make outflights (that’s German) in Jerusalem and round about it, And to show your imperial countenance to carefully-selected and mildly-demonstrative crowds—my | wonder is, by the way, how they managed to get along all these years and how And But the fact is, you see, there were such a lot of crisises going on (is that t f- plural of crisis? it doesn’t look right, does it ?), and re was such a vast amount of botheration In the United States and in Spain, and in France, parti y in France, and in almost every other nation. The Czar, for instance, was busy about his Rescript and was re- questing everybody to sign a Disarmament pledge, and he wasn’t winking the other eye, but was keeping it open on China. And the French were raving about Major Marcnanp (who was weeping) and the miserable result of all their sly fuss, Devoting to the operation all the energies they could from cutting one another’s throats on the subject Captain Dreyrvs, And Great Britain was telling France to “ git,” in a dangerous chorus of Cave Leonem expergefactum (you’d scorn to have this translated), and for the rest, we were ae, up our available navy. And though, of course, properly sidered, Emperors are to a ony fighting general as peacocks to the colinany barndoor ird are, It was just at this time that we burst our lungs in shouting, “ Hurrah for the Srrpar!” So you see, taking one thing with another, the net result is this —it’s very unpleasant, but true, Sir (You ’ll notice how respectful I become when telling an unplea- sant truth), that we none of us had a moment to spare for giving a thought to you, Sir. However, I understand, dear Wri, that you yourself, in poamene over your recent trip, and on reckoning up the cost of it, Have come to the melancholy conclusion that on the whole the stage was poor, the audience scanty and unappreciative, and that, in fact, to continue this theatrical me hor, though you did have the leadi , somebody “crabbed” you all the time, with the pai result that you managed to make a frost of it. And the worst of it is that on coming back you found, in spite of all the trouble you had taken, and your dramas and paintings and sermons, That there were all kinds of ructions going on even amongst your own loyal and peaceful Germans. I don’t refer to editors, for of everybody knows ban y there’s only one way to deal with them, and that always look best as Perpetual convicts in heavy chains—which is what they can gene- rally count on getting for poking fun at you, in other words, for the crime of laesa majestas. : But there’s the Prince of Lipps Dermotp; he’s a small Prince, of course, but he didn’t seem to be funky, For he upped and said to your sacred face that you had been sending him such letters as a man might send to his flunkey. And Italy went and made friends with France, and (isn’t it a case of et tu Brute, F Since in firing out Austrian foreigners your ministers only did what they fondly supposed you would say was their duty ?) Here ’s Austria cutting up very rough, and it’s plain that you’l! have to revise all Your schemes of alliance when Austria threatens a drastic course of reprisal. However, I daresay things will come out all right in the end— they generally do 1f people can only be persuaded to leave them alone and not keep nagging and worrying ; And it’s never the slightest use when you’ve got a long way to go to start on it by breathlessly hurrying— . I haven’t any doubt at all that Samira and Miiller (I mention these two celebrated _men as admirable representatives of our two nations, the British and the Teutonic) _ . Will shortly be shouting together in a chorus which, in spite of poor old Smrrn’s shortcomings as a songster, they will try to make both harmonious and harmonic. But a word in your ear, my Imperial old Knasterbart, I should like to know if you don’t consider that, though it ’s delightful to roam, Sir, 2 There ’s more genuine advantage to be got by looking after your folks, which can best be done by staying at home, Sir? Tue “Marep Fist.”—Before this who would not tremble! But its terrors are hog BS: the “ Blackmailing Fist ” which forces the “ Blackmailed ” to be open-handed and to un willingly disburse Aw Evipent Sequitvn.—If France continues her present pin- they're going to get along in future without it— — prick policy, England will end by “ getting the needle

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Decempsr 17, 1898.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DARBY JONES ON LINGFIELD. Honovrep Srr,—I trust, like Charon, you are going merrily over the “ Sticks.’ This quip is not mine own, but a Replica of a jape uttered by your friend Sir Fraiser Punnett, whom I encountered the day before yesterday in Great Portland Street, filled with a Piscatorial Dish which he had just consumed at a Pa Eating- house in the immediate neighbourhood. This Delicacy, so the Eminent and Jocose Baronet informed me, is a native of Mar- seilles, is called Bouillabaisse (I trust that I have the correct calligraphy), was cele- brated by the great ; AKEPEACE THACKERAY in verse, and, as Sir Fraiser declared, “ tho fishy, will not poisson- a ale c jest registered by Sir F ) After this bon mot, Sir Fratser (doubtless inspired by the Bouillabaisse in question) asked me, on what racecourse in a fish-preserve was kept by a Poultryman ? Being no Soothsayer with regard to Sphinxes, I was unable to solve the Conun- drum, which Sir Fraser somewhat un- feelingly left me to consider on the muddy side-walk, while he deposited his Exqui- sitely Varnished Boots in a Hansom Cab. If there be one Torture, barring the solving of Acrostic Lights, to which I ob- ject, it is that of beg asked a Riddle without having the Answer supplied, and it may (or may not) grieve your Wilful Wag of a Bart. to know that his Query cost me great consumption of Spirituous Liquor, Soda Water, and Nicotine before I was able to grasp the Solution of his uzzle. The Honourable Fiiriatt was the Solutionist. It appears that he is in the habit of filling in Coupons dealing with the Prizes generously presented by the Proprietors of various Broad-sheets devoted to Ceseting Topics to those Erudite Minds capable of fathoming the Deep Sea of Con- jecture. The Honourable Fiiriatr, who was compelled to leave Oxford College on account of some Puerile Difference with an Inspector of Police, locally known as a Proctor, and accompanied by Bloodhounds, is one of the Few Men abou Piccadilly Circus who was able to point to the Where- abcuts of Fashoda at the time that Major MaRcHAND was planting Brussels Sprouts in that region. Consequently I was not dumbfoundered (or should it be dumb- founded ?) when the Honourable explained to me that Sir Fraser Punnett alluded to Lingfield, whereof Mr. Fowuzr is the Presiding Genius, “ Ling ” being a fish, and “Poultryman ” a pretty playful allusion to the Secretary of this Popular Meeting. I gave Mr. F.iruatr an order for “ Wonder- land” E. in return for his information. It is not my fault if he has been unable to use the Brief. I like ey ome because it is conducted on —— rinciples. It has a Straight Mile, a Straight Run from Victoria, and a Straight Management. It is the Kemp- ton Park of Sussex, and if I may trust my knowledge of Equine Contests, the only gathering which has been successfully established on a Lzicn-shore. Captain Kriterion says that Mr. Fowzer is too to Policemen, but I take it that e has never looked with Equanimity on the Boys in Blue since he was rather rudely rebuffed, some four years ago, by an In- spector, who could not be persuaded that he an Invitation (left unhappily at home) for the Royal Inclosure at Ascot. Such little Jars often cause a good deal of Bottled-up Wrath. These Lingfield "INTS ON "UNTING, BY 'ARRY. IF OPENING A GATE FOR THE HUNTSMAN, DON'T FALL INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE Pack! Lyrics may, I trust, be of service to persons | less warped in mind than is the Captain : — | The Hater of Man with the Girl Path 111 choose, And the Dramatist have on my side; While the Lad with the Blade won't refuse, And the “ Earl’’ a good winner will ride. The above is a four-leaved Shamrock ; the last of this year’s crop. Soon I hope to be —— the Lotus at—but no! I shall ave quitted the Empire by—again, no! We are all Children of the Empire— I am y heme honoured Sir, to Lei- cester Sq I am glad to learn that Mr. Seprmmus Mituzr, airman of the Victorian Racing Club, has been “sent off” by Lord Brassry at a Big Banquet to these Shores. Here’s grist to him! a sot Delight 2 be in : oe Seventh eaven 0 t during hi journ, is the honest desire of : P Your peripatetic serf, Darsy Jonwms. Porvtar Forzign Piace or ResipEnce yor 4N EncusH .—Cotch-in- Tas Smoxen’s Per Brav.—The Puffin. A DILEMMA. (By a Poet who has a strong belief in Leather. ) VENERABLE “ trotter-cases ”— Easy, if undignified With your pliant mohair laces— While I fashion still deride, Daily, weekly, have I worn you (Butt of every well-shod toff)— Now the Lancet bids me scorn you, Science cries out, “Taken ’em off!” On the self-complacent fogey, Lo! it bends its scarchlight stern, And the dread bacillus bogey Bids him everywhere discern ; Proves that nothing like old leather Harbours such i t germs, Soles, welts, uppers—all together It reviles in good set terms. Dear old friends, then, must I drop you, While my tortured feet grow numb, Fling you on one side, or “swop” you For a pelargonium Nay, my well-tried boots, I'll chance it, Though proud Prudence comfort scorns, Spite of hygiene and Lancet, Microbes I prefer to corns.

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282 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 17, 1898. } HF | y Mp HANA s! Chueh be i — Seedy Provincial Actor. “‘Younc Man, 1 HEAR THAT Yor or THE Me.tancnory Dane. Prosperous London Ditto. ‘‘Ou, 1. Don’t KNOW. THEY EGGED ME ON To IT.” Seedy Provincial Actor. *‘ H'm, THEY EeceD ws OFF/” THE GREAT UNGAGGED. [‘‘ Many who are joining in our p/ébis*ite dis- tinctly state that they do not compete for the prize. They merety wish for an opportunity of expressing views which their own journals industriously sup- press." —Dady Mai.) Tae noble offer made by the Daily Mail to compensate with £100 that bond fide member of a Liberal Association whose opinions on the question of the future ip and Policy of the Party ap- proximates most nearly to the common- place, has caused Mr. Punch a deal of trouble. His staff has been almost as- phyxiated by of correspondence, of which the flowing letter, taken at a venture, fairly represents the general tenour; though of the adjoining solutions of the triple enigma each betrays a distinct and poignant individuality. Dear Mr. Poncu,—I note that my Daily Chronicle is very vexed with the Dail Mail for its cynical enterprise ; though with customary impartiality it consents allow a life-size advertisement of the pro- jected plébiscite to a r in its own — columns. yself, as a True uiberal, I shrink from committing myself in a notoriously Conservative organ. et, keen dog that I am, I yearn to throw off the muzzle; to defeat that journalistic conspiracy of silence which has lain like a pall on the still lively corpse of Radi- PROPOSE TO ESSAY THE RULE WHAT LNDUECED you vo po 1T?” calism. But where shall I find a fitting vent for my cooped-up feelings? It is to you I turn ; to the one great and untainted medium of Liberal Conservatism ; so find enclosed my answer to the Burning Questions : — 1. Who is to be the Leader of the Liberal Party ? 2. What is to be its Policy? 3. Shall it worry on with Home Rule? Say Yes, or else No. You may conceivably offer an overflow prize; but I ask for none; my aims are pure, and here are the answers : — 1. Sir George Newnes, Bart. 2. (a) One Man, one Tit-Bit. (b) Bill to encourage Immigrant Aliens (Swiss preferred). (c) Bill to limit inquiry into their ante- cedents. (d) Purification of the Lords by whole- sale creation of Liberal Peers. 3. I can’t guess this one. Yours ever, A Wive-W ortp.iine. We take, again at random, a handful of post-cards, all containing intelligent at- tempts to cope with the great Conundrum of the day. Drorrinas. From A VILLAGE Pump. . Sir Wilfrid Lawson, Bart. 2. (a) Municipalisation of the Great Soda- Water Companies. (b) Révision of the Kitchen Committee. (ec) Local Poption. 3. Am doubtful. Fear it might foster con- sumption of local poteen. A SrrincG-GARDENER 8oWs THE Goop Seep. 1. The Chairman pro tem. of the L. C. C. (if Pr sive). 2. (a) Compulsory elosing of everything always. (b) Rate-paid housing of Progressive — ‘oor. (c) Bill to facilitate obstruction by cos- termongers. (d)' Bill in restraint of short skirts. 3. Yes. Let London pay for it. MESSAGE FROM A’ Mayo Maarrvyn, 1. Mr. Michael Davitt, M.P. 2. (a) Repeal of entente cordiale United States. (b) — licy to promote Franco- rish iance. (c) Bill to amend so-called National Anthem. (d) Bill to disband Irish Constabulary. (e) Nationalisation of congested land- lords, 3. Erin-go-bragh! with A Hent Fra’ tHe Hienan’s. . The Member for Ross and Cromarty. . («) Bill to regulate the ay Ne min- pows on Rivers Tay and , (b) Bill to expedite intercourse with the woe Outer Hebrides. (c) Bill to prohibit the Member for Fifeshire West (Mr. Augustine Birrell) from making jokes in the ouse. (d) Bill to render illegal all jesting in the House. (e) Other important Scotch measures. 3. Why should land wait ? A LittLe ENGLANDER's IpEA. 1. Mr. Henry Labouchere. 2. (a) Abolition of Navy. (b) Do. Army. (ce) Do. Peerage.

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Dscemper 17, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (d) Abolition of Ground Renta. (e) Do. Church. . Yes, if Rosebery says No. From THE QUARTIER ANGLAIS, or aoe ee . (a) More New omacy. (b) Freedom of Speech at Embassies. (c) Anti-pincushion Policy. (d) A se Ministry. . Do not feel quite at home on this topic. A Peer-Director WIRES: . Mr. Ernest Terah Hooley. . (a) Simplification of Company-promo- tion. (b) Inalienability of Real Estate of Fi- nanciers. (c) Abolition of Registrars in Bank- ruptcy. (a) a oe facilitating Purchase of itles. (e) Do. Do. Mem i of Political Clubs. ies . Why not run it as a Syndicate P Secret ADMIRER OF THE “ Darty Mar.” WRITES : . Mr. Alfred Harmsworth. . (a) State-aided distribution of certain magazines under cost ue. (b) Abolition of Book-stall Monopolies. (c) Free for War-Correspondente a) Bill for ‘ates Ministers with (d) Bill for providi ini i Answers at question-time. . Strictly between us, I will say —— the thing! Tue JupGMENT oF MAN. . Mr. Hall Caine. . (a) State-directed elevation of the masses by means of literary Masterpieces. (b) Bill to distin booming from other actionable nuisances. (c) Greater profusion of Titles for Men of Letters. (d) Bill to restrain W-ls-n B-rr-tt from playing the unauthorised Chris- tian. (e) Compulsory Manx for the People. . Why not imitate “ The Island ” ? FRIEND oF OUR Dums CREATURES HAS A Fancy. . Mr Toby, M.P. . (a) Introduction of conscience-clause into muzzling legislation. (b) Scotland-Yard-aided education of Bloodhounds. (c) Bill to facilitate admission of Dogs d Bill ee d-poaching (d) Bill to i und- ing. 3. I rather like Iri Terriers. (N.B.—If any further correspondence of the above tyre = to this office, it will be at sender’s risk.—Ep. DRAMATIC CRITIC IN 1832. How pleasantly nowadays do the most severe dramatic critics phrase their cen- sures in comparison with some of them within the first third of this present cen- tury. Looking over some old numbers of Figaro in London, we select a few briet haphazard : — notices at “ Waver has been brought out at Covent Garden, and went off amid the snores of a very quietly disposed audience.”’—October 27, 1832 Relying on tradition and on the sur- viving popularity, even to the present day, Liw'y pert “On, Miss Brown, I was s0 sorry I DIDN'T SEE YOU WHEN YOU CALLED THE OTHER DAY. I HAD SUCH A DREADFUL HEADACHE, THAT 1 HAD TO TELL MY Marp I was Nor At HOME TO ANY OF MY FrigNDs, Bur or course I SHOULD HAVE SEEN You/” of the music in Midas, we had always | been under the impression that that piece was in its day a favourite with every- body. So it might have been with most | persons, but not with Figaro in London, | who in his number for Sctober 6, 1 says : — “ We forgot last week to notice Miss Farovson’s | appearance as Apollo in that heap of trash, Midas.’’ — heap of trash”! No mincing phrase t re. In Figaro for A 18 the same year is a notice of Mr. Keetey, whose name is associated, in the recollection of the oldest playgoer ( Mrs. Kzzxey, who is still alive and y), only with comedy and farce. He is mentioned as— “ enacting lock (at the Strand) for his — Fie rar, for the 4 of those | who it.” We, not having been either thought of or | born st the above date, can only su wy Mr. oy ened not then | e@ exce y position in fession x he afterwards attained. sit The appearance of a French dancer, who 4 | | the moment one mig subsequently achieved celebrity as a melo- dramatic actress, is thus politely and plea- santly described : — “In bounced Mademoiselle Ceiesre, the star of the night, an old woman apparently of about fifty years of age, dressed in a very short blue petticoat, e old lady capered away for some minutes with a force frightfully muscular,” &c., &., “ while she occasionally gave a oy of such endurance that at t have fancied her the top of her profession.” Then follows what in these more delicate times would have most cota pecnees down on both Proprietor and Editor an action for libel; but as we have not come across any subsequent allusion to such a | very natural consequence, it follows that the professionals of those days did not con- sider themselves injured by this style of attack, and so the Figaro continued ite bitterly satirica]l course through the years of what may be termed “the terribly plain- speaking thirties.” Beveracz vor a Music1an.—Thorough Bass. late ge iad

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[Decememr 17, 1898, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 286

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DeocemBer 17, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI \ WEF A MQ WR ] 1 S SN SSS WSs SSS NN WY . >. a SS N Hii Mistress. “Dib Mrs. Brown SAY ANYTHING WHEN YOU TOLD HER I Was ovT?” Maid, “‘ Yes, ’M. Mrs. Brown, Mum, saip, ‘Taank Heaven!’ Mv,” “IN THE BAY OF BISCAY—OH!” (Extracts from the Travel Diary of Toby, M.P.; First.) P. and O. Mail Steamer “ Peninsular,” Monday.—The ex- clamation in the headline must not be regarded as one of pain. It rather indicates pleased surprise. Bay of Biscay is the bad dog of ocean pathways., Has. got a bad name; might aswell hang it—which, I believe, passengers crossing it occasionally do. Have personal experience that confirms general prejudice. Coming home from India, found the Bay inconveniently elated at our (so far) safe return. ‘Tossed ite arms aloft in wild delight of welcome. .Recklessly threw up its cap,—many caps, all white, with glistening green trimmings. Well meant, but a little em- barrassing ; preyocative of absence from meéals. A year after, met in a London club a man who warmly shook me by the hand. “™ Haven’t seen you since,” he said. “No,” I answered, dubiously. (Nothing offends a man so much as being forgotten.) “ Rather rough time, wasn’t it?” “ Something terrible,” I said, shuddering. have met in a‘snow-storm. “You remember how she rolled?” “ Most extraordinary!” I said. (What it was she had rolled floored me. Must have been her eyes.) “ Nice fellow, the captain.. Ever seen him since ? ” Now I knew where we had foregathered. It was on bis (Fancy we must — from Bombay. But many fellows on board. was this ? Just then my friend, sitting in low arm-chair in smoking-room, crossed his legs, placing sole of right foot in full view. Instantly recognised him. He was Captain Van Tromp of the 30th. Joined us at Marseilles. Ship unusually full; every one going round by sea; room found for new-comers ly by pulling table edrift and lengthening it by placing chairs in interstice. well till we got into Bay. High juke there. Van Tromp sat nearly opposite me; when ship gave unusually heavy Jurch his chair went backward, he with it, feet in the air. In course of a few meals I got rather more familiar with the soles of his feet than with the aspect of his countenance. Hence recognition ‘Cheerful to find t in the club smoking-room. Odd, I know; but strange things happen at sea. “wesday.—To-day the Bay is nearly as smooth as the n- tine ; infinitely more beautiful. Blue above; blue below; with soft breeze belyi the almanac that swears it’s November. right thing done, Folks going to the Riviera usually take train to Marseilles ; a passage across the Channel ; hurried, costly journey by train de luxe, which usually breaks down soon after leaving Paris, enforcing hasty into ordinary carriage. Why not go to Marseilles by P} and O.? Usually plenty of room; best berths available; travellers for India, lingering over farewells, catch up _ the ry at’. Mar- seilles or Brin isi. Going round by sea makes all the journey holiday ; comfortable berth ; good food ; cheerful = ! if want it, and when you don’t, a deck-chair and a . glimpses over the top of the page of the blue Atlantic. Reading to-day T’he Castle Inn, StaNtey WxeyMan’s last story. A picturesque study of England one hundred and thirty years ago. Much struck with the ingenuity and variety of the ramifi- cations of the plot. The practised reader sees from the first how it will all end, but is ey od + yg by the blind alleys into which the author artleasly leads him. No hare with the hounds in full cry ever made such unexpected turns as does this rattling war W ednesday.—Worst of life on board ship is that you become ‘unwillingly privy to confidences next door. Last night heard a female voice saying, “Steward, if there’s an in the night, will you come and call me?” “ Yes, am,” said the practical-minded steward. , Out of the Bay of Biscay now, skirting the rotk-bound coast of Portugal; in the sunlight it takes on a hue of rosy-brown ; charming framework for azure blue of the sea, flecked with white foam. Once out of the maligned Biscayan Bay, the Atlan- tic certainly becomes a little lively. Scarcely worth mentioning ; allude to it merely by way of introducing a new I—or rather the Atlantic—invented. Think of calling it “ Bay of Biscay Billiards.” Not that the Bay, strictly speaking, had anything to do with the conception. But in case of wide advertising, apt alliteration’s artful aid is useful. he process is simple. Take, as the cookery-books say, two you with *

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Deomusee 17, 1898. a. — / Mire. / “HOW'S THAT, UMPIRE?” Golf Player. “‘Now THEN, WHAT ARE YOU GRINNING AT, Boy? Don’? YOU KNOW WHERE THE BALL Is?” Caddie. ‘* Yus, Str. I Know, Str. Dun Cow 'VE SWALLERED IT!” PLEASE, SIR, THAT THERE oranges; serve them on a plate placed on a camp-stool by the side of your berth. The steamer rolling to starboard pitches the camp-stool over ; smashes the plate ; sends the oranges flyin under the opposite berth. Now the game begins, and is wort watching. When the ship rolls to port the oranges come along exactly as billiard-balls, stricken by a well-directed cue, course the green baize cloth. Crossing and recrossing, they make cannons with a neatness and surety that would make Frep Roperts— especially if he’s not a good sailor—green with envy. On this board there’s only one pocket. That is the narrow passage between two portmanteaus under the berth. It is a lificult stroke. But the Atlantic wasn’t born yesterday. In one break he pocketed both balls. Regarded as a parlour game this has the disadvantage of re- quiring, to begin with, an ocean and a roomy berth in a liner. Bust the idea may be adapted. There is at least no harm in throwing it out. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. How can a Lever need a lift? It is we who are lifted by a Lever, and the heavier we feel, and the more “down” we are, the greater force will be required, and there must be plenty ot Levers ready at hand. The supply of Leverage is to be obtained chez Downey & Co., whose excellent edition of all CHaRLes Lever’s works is now complete in twenty-seven volumes. Look- ing through them, the Baron comes to the conclusion that if no other writer, taking up the same line as did Cuartes Lever, could even rival him, so Cartes Lever could not beat such inimitable works of his own creation as Jack Hinton, Charles O'Malley, The Knight of Gwynne, Harry Lorrequer, and Tom Burke of Ours. But all of them are well worth a shelf among ‘Our Noble Shelves” in any well-found library. Major Artaver Grirritus, author of Mysteries of Police and Crime (Cassett & Co.), the “ safe bind safe find” man, who, as one of H.M. Inspectors of Prisons, has had unusual opportunities for collecting the materials which, in book-form, might be de- scribed as a “ Drawing-room edition of the Newgate Calendar for delicate readers.” Not that he minces matters to any great extent: “ Bowdlerism” is not his line; but he so narrates the most unpleasant stories of most abominable crimes as to render them insinuatingly palatable to polite taste. It is almost im- possible to read through the Major’s two volumes at a sitting ; though, by the way, one work of his, an ar-Allan-Poe-ish kind of story, The Night Express, you must at a sitting, even if the dinner-hour has to be postponed; but of these stories you can select here one and there one, making up a parcel of six at a sitting. When the Baron was a boy, did he not revel in Ainswortu’s Dick Turpin (who never accomplished that wonder- ful feat of riding to York on Black Bess) in the same author's Jack Sheppard, and in Butwer Lyrron’s Claude Duval/ Major Grirritas gives some information concerni one Ww ~ yal ape on ~ son of a ‘—— i en which wi considerable interest to all nians, especial! to those “Old Boys” who may still remember the ? Montem,” which gave its last performance about half a century ago, on which occasion Etonians in fancy costumes used to stop the coaches and carriages on the King’s Highway and demand “salt” (money in any form) from the occupants. Such a custom was an admirable preparation for any lad with a natural turn for “the road,” as had WitL1am Parsons, who, commencing with petty thefts at Eton, finished “ per varios casus, per tot (dis)crimina,” at Tyburn. Barry Lyndon was not “in it” with this amiable Etonian. In “ Upper School” are preserved busts of the Etonian Worthies. Why not set apart some hitherto unused room beneath the Lowest Class Room of the Lower School for the Eton Unworthies, and commence with Witi1aM Parsons? Also let there be started an Eton “ Chamber of Horrors,” in which should be kept old blocks, old “ swishes,” and any instruments of torture used in the darkest days. Grirritas Major’s two volumes are most fascinatingly and ab- sorbingly interesting. The Baron strongly recommends Mr. Wriu1am J. Lockr’s Idols (JoHN Lang) to ali novel readers. It is well written; no time is wasted in superfluous descriptions ; there is no fine writing for fine writing’s sake; but the story, the general probability of which is not to any appreciable extent discounted by two improbabilities, will absorb the reader. At all events, it is a novel that, once taken up, cannot willingly be put down until finished. Tae Baron vz B.-W, THE NEW DIPLOMACY. (From a@ Single-sided Point of View.) SczenE—-A room in a Government Office. Enter an Officer. Officer. Will you please let me see the confidential report on my regimental conduct ? Official. With the greatest pleasure. The novel system is to tell everything to everybody. (Hands papers.) Officer (after a hurried perusal). Thank you, so much, And now to have it out with my Colonel! (Exit. Scene—Editorial Sanctum. Enter Would-be Contrilutor. W ould-be Contributor. And you like my article ? Editor (with enthusiasm). dear friend, it is a long way the best thing I have read in my life | Would-be C. And yet you refuse to insert it! Do you mind giving me the reason why ? Editor. Not in the least. We like to be free-spoken and above-board. The reason why we can’t insert it is because you speak disparagingly of a man who married a second cousin twice removed of one of our principal supporters. That will never do, my dear fellow ; that would never do! Would-be UC. Oh, indeed! Then I will tell the story in the columns of a rival newspaper! [Ezit. Scene—Offces of a Club. Enter Aggrieved Member. Aggrieved Member. I want to know why my friend, Mr. Jonna, was pilled? I don’t want to embarrass you, but can you give me any information ? Secretary. Only too pleased. The latest idea is to have no secrets. e fact is, one of the committee got his colleagues to blackball him. He said any friend of yours must be an un- suitable person. A. M. Oh, indeed! the member ? Sec. With pleasure. Mr. Samra. A. M. I am infinitely obliged to you. And now to my law- yers to commence an action for slander against Sura! Erit. Scens—A Bank Parlour. Enter a Respected Customer. Respected Customer. Of course, I don’t want you to be indis- creet, but is the bank shaky ? Manager. Only too delighted to afford any information in my wer. It is the new system. Fact is, the bank is very shaky indeed. And now to fill in a blank cheque And do you mind telling me the name of R. C. A thousand thanks! with the amount of my balance, and then to my stockbroker to sell for the fall! [Ezit.

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—_—— PUNCH, OR THE gle» LIQUEURS OF THE * GP CHARTREUSE. 4 These delicious Lig 7) i have come derful propertics of aiding Diges «tion and poevenene the elect” an Cl be had « of all the peleek” pal W snd all good Hotels and 2g. me 7 oughout the Kingdom. Sole Consignee, IY LE, 35, Crute 4 shed Friars, Le rade mn, B.C BUCHANAN BLEND SCOTCH WHISKY AS SUPPLIED TO THE HOUSES or PARLIAMENT. MARIANI WINE FOR GENERAL DEBILITY, EXHAUSTION & | WANT OF ENERGY. Testimonials from His Holiness the POPE, President MACKINLEY, and 8,000 PHYSICIANS. ‘UNRIVALLED *° TONIC! —& PICK-ME-UP. , 88, Mortimer St., London, W., b suiste & Stores. 4/-b« ittle, 4f i per d w ox & C BEsTs SAFEST DENTIFRICE OSCAR SUTTONSC° PRESTON OSeio%n | AND PERFUMERS IN | ELEGANT CRYST, | TOILET CASKET = IN THE ROVAL NURSERIES. ai , - In Tins, 1/-, 2. 5/-, 10/-. fine and Spirit Mortnante, Kestau | [Infants Sood WRIGHT'S Te mOTES wt WEL FEVERS MEASLES we P Ks THE ‘SKIN NVA ant TAR Goid Medals, ~~ 1878: PENS Mace (Nn 3 8128S | ga “No Better Food Exists.” at 10/6 London Medical Record ‘'y Allen & Hanburys’ Food JOSEPH GILLOTT Highest Quality; and forks © Srestent Durability, are therefore Noa. with exquisitely Fine g — AP ye HITECTS, ENGINEE RS, and DRAUGHTSMEN —170. (179. 291. 303. 431. 659. 1000. Adds immeasu- rably to eelerity and eomfort in writing. 16/6, o 25/- i ur Tro most “ Excellent in quality and flavour I Sold Every where in Is., 2*., 5s., and 10r. Tins ANCET Post Pree NOW READY. New List of DELICACIES, LUXURIES, BONBONNIERES, FANCY BOXES, AND CONTINENTAL NOVELTIES of EVERY DESCRIPTION. wh Wt vi Illustrated Catalogue Post Free on Application to MABIE, TODD & BARD, 92, CHEAPSIDE, B.C 95u, Regent Street, w __ § Exc hange Street, MANCHESTE. bu eunen. is being set up every week by Lro., LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES, 181, 182, 183, PICCADILLY, BOARD 3 DIRECTION W. | CIGARETTES y- LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 17, 1898. £18 18s, FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED. FORTNUM & MASON, ELEVEN YEARS OLD. This Grand famous High land small Stills 26s. the Gall., 60s. the Dosen. Cash onl Sample bottle post free on receipt of P.O. for ra RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 4% and 2%, HART 8ST, BLOOMBBUKY, W 4 Sold by all Leavinea Meacnan re throughout Invia and the Cotonins “PUNCH” FORTNUM& MASON, x | #Ploughs, Harrows, | #Oil Engines, & Light FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. HOWARD BEDFORD Cultivators, Haymakers, Horse Rakes, Straw Trussers, Mowers, Hay Presses, ailways. PORTABLE IRON BUILDINGS of every description, Chure nee, Tempo rary Hospitals, Bungalows orkshops, &c., ec, Packed « om Hail « or erected : Mitte iN CO) Oe Ketvmates free. _ ie Aa W. COOPER, 756, Old , Kent Kd., London, 8.¥ For Delicate Children. SQUIRE’S CHEMICAL FOOD. In Bottles, 2s., 3s. Gd., & Gs. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS axp STORES, anv oF SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, 418, OXFORD STREET, Summer — us es. Poultey Hy Lists "Pla vs, and LONDON. (Oiekeket back: Plate Powder NON-MEKCURIAL. Universally admitted to be Best and for Bilver, The ‘or, Plate, &e. SIX GOLD MEDALS _ fold every where, in Boxes, ls, ~y 2s, ~» and 4s, 6d, cEED YOUR CHILDR ey D® RIDGES. PATENT COOKED F'

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemsgr 17, 1898. BROOKE’S WON’T WASH CLOTHES. MONKEY BRAND SOAP, WON’T WASH CLOTHES. FOR KITCHEN TABLES & FLOORS, LINOLEUM & O7L-CLOTH FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR-RODS FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, MANTELS, &e. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c. at | Limited, Prsees Salted Sere ste Frisco Wats tae ay of nny and pohshed Wy him St Mosh ieee Stan, tae FaAah HL Bas Sy ot Lamm sensnocy, Secombe oe