Punch 1898-11-19: Vol 115 Iss 2993

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rc Will be published on Monday, November 28th. Price Sixpence. and Pictures and Sketches by “Punch Almanack ns or 1 89o9. With Double-page ( Cartoon by LINLEY SAMBOURNE, Harrison — Armour — Richardson, &c.

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PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. y) Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any descripWon, will nol be rel. bed unisas accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. — LOU Se — — ’ PT OE: MT TSS.< ores PRICE THREE PENCE.

~~ 9 i uit ail See —~ a, ns | ii, mi) : ey Ls i Ra IS re PUNCH OFFICE, 85, “FLEET STREET, LONDON. 275 GOLD MEDALS, &e. FRY’ conet eihasas COCO A “The richest in flesh-forming and energy-producing constituents.”—Dr. Anozaw Witson, F.R.S.E., &e. — me 3 ool ig f Wage ‘ 6a” NOTICE.—Commuznications or

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PUNCH, OR THE BOOKS OF THE HOUR | Published by W. Heinemann. Gera waz att AND HIS Nat By Wacrra ynal Gallery, Ir tie | n » de, net By WILLIAM by W. EB. Hewter iim ¢ N IN PARIS. “The oon of fom In SneLien 4 : Loxbon FASHION =. 8 TYPES. | Quat rzaines tast nm t ansiated by Lad yM ” ploure ir che Text wrhoin, | vol.,Im we nine p.s ORBIDDEN LAND. = Subst, Cap ey, THE F T + A ‘uth FH e Re . es SIX-SHILLINC NOVELS. (FLORIA MUNDI By Harotp [HE WIDOWER. T Hewat Jaure TON es DRUM, a Cockney Boy. We. HEI NEMANN 21, Re THE FAMOUS la By W. E ee “MAB? =~ PRICE Bleck handie 2/6 36 RAZOR" Ben “MAB” Co., 73. Newhall St., Birmingham Besta SAFEST DENTIFRICE SOLO BY ALL CHEMISTS Aig SCAR SUTTONSC° ANO PERFUMERS IN PRESTON ELEGANT CRYST. TOILET CASKET PRICE 2/6. ALSO IN ah ay BLOcK METALLIC BOX _ ’ Ga ‘No Better zeus Exists. ” ondon Medical Record, Allen & Hanburys’ HE TWO MAGICS. By! LON DON . CHARIVARL — NovempBer 19, 1898. A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT L LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. TAMARoonsr INDIEN FOR IPATION, | Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and | Intestinal Troubles, Headache. GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, S.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS POSSIBLE “HEAVIEST PLATING ask rOoR MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (Raop.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” Whispering in Beauty’s Ear The secret of preserving, purifying, and beautifying the «kin, scalp. and hair to be found only in Ci greatest of skin purifying and beautifying soaps, as well as purest and for toilet, and nursery. The only preventive of un- xightly blemishes, red, rough hands, and falling hair, because the only preventive of inflammation and clogging of the Pores. TICURA BOAP, sweetest Sold throughout the word British depot: F Newsreet & Sows, Londen. Porrzn Dave ano Cuex. Coar., Sole Props., Boston, U.S.A The Skin, Scalp, and Hair, Send for * post free ‘For Delicate Children. Food SQuire’s FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED. * Euce a ent in quality and flavour.’—Lawcer id Every where in ls 20. bc., and We Tins MINCED CHICKEW. ‘Seasoned with Mex. ‘oan Chill = Pepner, nique— Delightfal, In ans, §/>. and lb, ready for use, Pre. ared by Armour Packing (o. Sample > Can aro. iress Agentse— HOOPER & CO. 4 Eastohean. London. E-0, Goddard’ ee Plate Powder NON MERCU RIAL Universally admitted to be The Best and Safest Article for Cleaning 6il Blectro-Plate, &c. SIX GOLD MEDALS Sold everywhere, in Boxes, l+., 2s. 6¢., and és. 6d Ee | _ CHEMICAL | FOOD. In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 6d., & 6s. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS ano STORES, a¥v oF SQUIRE & SONS, 418, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. AND DRUGGISTS, Tue GRAMOPHONE bath, | 2s. 6d. A BOX. “THE BOONS ¢ & BLESSINGS.” MACNIVEN & CAMERON, Ltd., EDINBURGH. A RIDDLE—READ. No tongue have |, no hands, nor yet a voice, Yet talk, or sing, or play: which is your choice? There is no instrument tht you can name, am not mistress of ; tis all the same th song, | sing untiring with the purest tone, reign supreme, a Queen / THE GRAMOPHONE. rhis Marvellous Invention costs only £5 10s., and a fine selection of New English records can be had at any of KEITH PROWSE & Co.'s Music Depots. #, KENSINGTON HIGH STREZT, W. 167, NEW BOND STREET, W 3, GRAND HOTEL BLDGS.. TRAPAJ/3AR 8Q., W.C 143, PENCHURCA STREET, E.C 12 other Branches and 48, CHEAPSIDE, E.°. THOMAS TURNER & CO. Make Tneir Own piel. 4 | December 20th Hand Forged. Extra ‘- “ Ground. aye hs Set See “ Encore an ” Guaranteed Perfect on Sh Ivory, 6s. ; Black, 4s. Send for Free List of -* rom all Dealers, or write direct to Makers, T. TURNER @ CO., SUFFOLK WORKS, 8 who will supply through nearest agent Ask for “ Encore" Pocket and Ta Table | Cutlery. TYPHOID FEVER. OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT STATEMENT— | *‘ Wherever the PASTEUR (Chamberland) FILTER has been introduced “ TYPHOID FEVER HAS DISAPPEARED.” Sold Everywhere. Sole Makers: J. Defries & Sons, Limited, 147, Houndsditch, E.C. West-End Show Rooms: 203, Victoria Street, 5. W | | : bg Her Majesty's ¢ | @ouw & SIcver Cigareile cases manufactured by . §.Mordan«xCe: the Ratentecs of the ever pointed Pencil-case can be ‘uhlained from all Gold XSilver amiths. Observe the makers mark és inconjunclion with the Landon Hall mark &® "TRELOAR & SONS, ‘Orient Company's Pleasure Cruiy Crus by their Steamship “ LUSITANIA,” 3,912 4 register, To the WEST INDIES and BERMUD, Embarking passengers at London (Tilbur, llth January, and arriving back in Lond 13th March, 1899. The following places will be visited. TENERIFFE, BARBADOS, TRINIDAa! GRENADA, 8T. LUCIA, MARTINIgry SANTA CRUZ, JAMAICA, CUBA tiago , BERMUDA, and MADEIRA. * Winter afloat in the West Indies is moe like a glorious summer, and at such a time- when yachts and steam launches are laid y at home—the trip should be taken.’ Fares from 75 Guineas. 1 Managers, F. Green & Co., Anderson, Ande. | son & Co. Head Office: Fenchurch Aveny For passage apply to the latter firm at 5, Fes. ey h Avenue, lonken, E.C., or to the Wee End nd Branch Office, 16, C ‘ockspur Street, §.W £15 155. CRUISE.—GIBRAL- TAR, TANGIER, ALGIERS TUNIS, MALTA, MESSINA, NAPLES (19 day £21 CRUISE.—NAPL -. ATHENS, PALESTINE EGY PT, January ilth, EXTENDED CRUISES, including Constantinopi: Beyrout, for Damascus, &c. On the 8.¥. “ARGONAUT,” tonnage 12% h.p. 4,000. Organised by Dr. Lunn and Mr. Perowne | Pe, ecturers, the Bishop of Worcester, Dean Parw The shove Cruises begin and end at Marseilia Returt ticket, London - Calais - Paris - Marseille, £5 Se. extra Full particulars with plan from the Secretary 5, Endsleigh Gardens, Euston, London, N.W THE INTERNATIONAL PALACE HOTELS. Sbhepheard’s Beta Ghezireb Palace NICE (Cimiez) P Riviera Palace. MONTE CARLO (open Jan.) Riviera Palace. Full particulars from the La Offices, 14, Cocksrur Srreer, 8. ORIENTAL CARPETS. LISTS OF SPECIAL SHIPMENTS. 4 CAIRO CAIRO LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Catalogue. GOLDEN HAIR ROBARE’S AUREOLINE. PERFECTLY HARMLESS Solid by Perfumers and Chemists. Wholesale R. HOVENDEN & SONS, and principal Patent Medicine Warehouses, Londen “FOR TKE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-F AMED BLOOD MIXTURE ls warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities, from whatever cause arising For Secrofula, Seurvy, Eczema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Diseases, Pimples and Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- vellous. It is the only real specific for Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes the cause from the blood and bones Thousands of wonderful cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2s. 9d. and Lis each, of Chemists everywhere. BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. fvorys Moore USED x THE ROYAL NURSERIES.| | Everywhere me Tins. 1/-, 2’-, 5/-

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—— © Crnisy gister, aMUDA. Tilbury in Lond Visited INIDAI NovempBer 19, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “Casio = te An Exvecrric Link Boy WITH A REGUI ATION TARIFF WOULD BE A GREAT Boon THIS MontTH, IF WE ARE TO HAVE MUCH Foo, SARA BERNHARDT’S TRIP TO INDIA. [**Madame BernuHarpr will not go to the East on the ordinary mail-boat, but will have a private steam yacht, commanded by M. Pre«re Lort, the well-known writer, who was formerly in the French Navy.’’—Daily Press.} Arter an infinity of trouble, our tame interviewer succeeded in obtaining an audi- KA maAIOn 48 = (“Ssna Berwuanonr is thinking of taking a journey to India.”— Daily Telegraph.) Or course SARA WOULD BE THE IDOL oF THE Hovwr, ence of “the divine Sara,” in order to question her on the subject of her pro- jected voyage. Having caught his foot in he tiger-skin door-mat, fallen flat on his face, and whilst in that disadvantageous position having sustained a severe bite au derricre from a pet monkey, he arose, took out his note-book, and politely, though firmly, declining to be seated, began : — ‘Madame, is it true that you contem- plate a visit to India to hunt tigers and Rajahs and other fearful wildfowl ? ” | krom the gorgeous rabbit-skin rug on | which she was rec lining, the great act ress | graciously replied, “Comment! Qu’en pensez-vous, mon amif’” with the accent on ’ ! ithe “ rows.’ ‘Madame, je sais quelle hewre il est! | Which isa rhyme. But Mr. Punch wishes to know, from your own fair lips, in order that he may inform his legion of readers of the truth,” replied our young man, in- advertently treading on the back of a large turtle (Rougemontis Wideworldibus) Is your yacht to be commanded by M. PIERRE Loti?” “Yes; you see, IT am always surrounded by a literary and theatrical crew, so I shall man the yacht with them. My chief officer will be Crank Russet.; he is always at sea, The stewardess will be Marig Co- RELLI; she knows all about yachting. A well-known writer on hunting and horses will attend to the screws and donkey- engine; he will also be invaluable for riding at anchor. Then Vicrorren Sar- pov, Pinero, and Grunpy will alternately officiate at the wheel.” “ And the masts, and sails, and things ?” | asked our interviewer, biting the end of his pencil. ‘Beersonm Tree will arrange our top- | | mast; Lewis Wa.uerR will be stationed on the O. P. side. They will also attend to | the foot-lights. Even the deck-chairs will be "Ati Carne; whilst Zota——” “ Pardon the calembour, chere Madame, but might I not say th t the st udy of the Zolar system——” Our representative ducked his head just in time, and the jewelled brick-bat — the | gift of an Emperor—missed him by a hair’s- | breadth, and passed through the plate-glass window, hitting a passing gendarme exactly on the point of his nose. Th he great actress sprang to her feet, and exclaimed, “ Accro- chez-le! Coupez votre bdton! Allez!” Abashed and sorrowing, the young man replied, “ Je m’en vais.” He had tried a witty sally, but the Grand Sara will permit the existence of no other witty Satty. She must be the Only One, Protection from Housebreakers. Mrs. Brown-J ones. My dear Mrs. Smirn- Tompson, I am surprised to see a card with “ Lodgings to Let” in your drawing- room window. What does it mean ? Mrs. Smith-Thompson. Oh! that card's my Anti-burglar Protective. It’s ever so n uch more effective than iron bars or elec- tric bells. No respectable burglar ever invades a lodging-house. [[t was decided in the case of Walton v. Coppard that a School is a nuisance.) Verdict thoroughly endorsed by Jones Major and rown Minor. VOL, CXV, A

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Novamsgr 19, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. KITCHENER AND KITCHENS. [“ The Sirdar has received hundreds of invitations to dine since his return to England,”’ | ’T was the voice of the Smpar, I heard him complain, “They won’t have any pity; I must eat again. I am up all the night, And I’m longing for bed, No rest for a lion Who’s always being fed. In defence of the flag I would lay down my life, But I cannot do battle With plate, fork and knife. Have mercy, ye Mahdis Of banqueting mood, Or I’ll perish a KitcHenzr Martyred by food!” MOURNFUL NUMBERS. (From Mr. Punch’s Vagrant Contributor.) Deak Str,—They tell me life is but a dream ; things, so it seems, are rarely what they seem ; Jongs, whose substantial form is known so well in Piccadilly, Regent Street, Pall Mall; who, posed amidst a group of nine or ten, lays down the law to listen- ing, lesser men, who, lest the fates should ever make him thinner, consumes vast herds of beeves at lunch and dinner, rates in loud tones, while I sit looking on, the shrinking waiters at the “ Mastodon,” and thence retiring to his ample bed, shakes the firm pavements with his massive tread —this mass of platitudinous verbosity, this sixteen stone of self-assured pomposity, this Jones, in fact, so stout, so loud, so tall, is merely a phenomenon—that’s all. If Jones is but the shadow of a name, it strikes me other things may be the same. There ’s the moustache, for instance (ends quite flat, shaped like a well-tied butterfly cravat), which, as the gaping world of Moslems knows, sprouts beneath Wit- HELM’s most Imperial nose, those angry bristles with defiant tips, meet cornice for the wearer’s spouting lips, that fine, fierce fringe of coruscating hair, tended with all a mother’s watchful care, which (if such growths can be suppo: to hear) hears— (blessed moustache '!)—each wild Wilhelmian cheer, what time the Kaiser, a convivial soul, lifts to some royal host his brimming bowl, and, girthed and buttoned till he’s fairly bursting, shouts, “ Hoch! hoch!! hoch!!!” while all the rest are thirsting, which being done he dashes off anew, writes a new drama, sees a fresh review, or, while the trumpets sound ta-ran-ta-ra, unveils a statue to his grandpapa. That Schnurr- bart, with its fiery ends a-kimbo, must go with much I love beside to limbo, since this conclusion cannot be resisted—it don’t exist and never has existed. Then Egypt—I propose to have the face to doubt if there is really such a place: Egypt whereat the French, they say, look glum, is a land renowned in fable for its mummies, where, from the Pyramids’ as- piring crown, some forty centuries keep looking down, where the great Nile arising in its flood blesses the festive fellaheen with mud, where the gay crocodile deposits eggs or snips for lunch some Arab swimmer’s legs, where Fiinpers Perriz, with u- liar zest, finds in each royal tomb a palimp- sest, and where, while ages roll, the im- rome ae merge sits in the sand and thinks, and thi and thinks. This land, de- signed for British skill and pith, is, I pro- test, a most egregious myth. Each day Loafer (looking at a hundred pownd dressing-bag). ‘‘1 WoNDER WOT SORT OF A BLOKE IT IS AS WANTS A BaG or Tools LIKE THAT TO DOSS "ISSELF UP WITH!” I find myself believing less that we can occupy and not ss, that even British courage can affect to guard a country which it mayn’t protect, a that a nation which is not a fool can govern things, and yet let others rule. | deposit-receipt, upon any number of which he may Why is this thusness, why are things so | "lise at his convenience. —Daily Mail.) mixed, since (see Cartoon) Joun BULt is) firmly fixed? On pointe like this, dear | Punch, I pray you may grant some light | and leading to Your puzzled VAGRANT. THE PENNY-IN-THE-SLOT BANK. [‘* Early next year the man who has a penny to put by for a rainy day will be able to drop it into slot machine, and by working a lever obtain a Tug penny-in-the-slot machine Up to the present time has been A method whereby one might get A match, cigar, or cigarette ; Or juveniles might satiate Their appetites with chocolate ; Or little snobs on conquest bent Deodorise themselves with scent. CurisTuas Carps.—On the principle of the early bird which up to catch the un- =e worm, Father RapHaxL Tuck and his merrie Sons are first in the field with their Christmas wares. Walk up! Walk up! to see the t variety show in booklets, cards, and calendars. Dainty and | humorous are the novelties, whilst, of the But now there is a scheme afloat, Of which economists take note, To save up for a rainy day The penny which was thrown away. oe moore shall we purchase sweets, ‘ c ut for our coppers get recei : calendars, ‘The On Service” one will And thrifty people hail with thanks possibly be most popular. The advent of t penny banks.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NovemBer 19, 1898, \ \ \ N “SEATS OF THE MIGHTY.” Ir 1s REPORTED FROM THE SHIRES, THAT SOME OF THE First FLIGHT ARE THINKING OF ADOPTING THE “Top SLOAN Seat” For HuntTine. SNAPSHOTS FROM THE EAST. Cairo, October 24. Honovrep Sueika Pounce (upon whom be peace, whose efful- gence is as the Full Moon!), may thy unworthy messenger send thee this writing left in the Esbekieh Garden here by some dog of a Frank? Perchance he is one of the infidel Giaours who are journeying with one Lunn Errenp1 into Syria after the Sheikh of Alemanniya. Thy servant, Ali Ben Zaiq, kisseth thy hump and right big toe. May thy day be blessed! I. Arrive at Alexandria from Marseilles, vid Genoa and Naples, with large contingent of Teutons. When they foregather in the smoking-room, the row is kolossal, as every one tries to shout down the others. As far as I can discover, their conversation consists of gar nichts and gar kein. However, we fraternize over deck quoits and “ beanbags.” Our ship’s crest is an ancient Greek galley, with six elderly gentlemen rowing for a good deal more than they are worth, and the motto is the famous phrase of Prricies, “ philokaloumen met’ euteleias,” that is, we cultivate the beautiful on the coupon system. We land, after pleasant voyage, at sunset. One second after so doing, hear the cry— hakhshish. It has not stopped since. A special train brings us to Cairo, and dinner at midnight. Il. First day's sight-seeing in Cairo. Start with the Mosque of Sultan Hassan. Have initial difficulty with slippers, which must be put on over boots. As these are about number twenty- five in size, it requires very considerable dexterity to keep them on. Am obliged to trail mine behind. Hope this act of desecra- tion will not come to the ear of the Catrpn. Our guide, Ipranm™ Osman, has a stentorian voice and a fund of humour, as when he tells us that Monammep Ai gave Mamelukes “ jolly good hiding,” but Emin “hooked it,” and recites “Home, sweet home” when he has finished with us for the day. On to more mosques and citadel, where we see Tommy ATKINS trying to keep warm (with temperature over ninety degrees in the shade) by playing foot- ball. We gather from Seaforth Highlanders that there has been a slight brush with the Kaatira at Omdurman. Next to Khedivial cemetery (Egypt great place for tombs), and “howling” Der- vishes (grunting and gasping would be more the word), then in- spect Nilometer on Roda Island, where Moses met Miss PHaraon ; call at Coptic convent and Mosque of Omar, where there is a flying pillar; lastly, home through bazaars, faint, yet pursuing the cairosities of Curio, as an Oxford Don would put it. III. Second day. Menu—Pyramids, Sphinx, and Ghizeh Museum. We file out in a very long procession of landaus over the Kasr-en-Nil Bridge, and along the acacia-covered cause- way (which soon will be vulgarised with an electric tram) to the foot of Great Pyramid. Are handed over in turn to two Bedouins apiece, who haul us up to the summit, where, like NapPo.gon’s forty centuries, we look down on the Nile in flood, the Sphinx, and other well-established land-marks. Try to rise to the occasion, but come down sitting. Then clamber down and slide on all fours (face uppermost) into interior. At finish, guides inquire, “How you feel?” and “Hope you satsified,” and we make entry to that effect in note-book of Moussa Far, the Sheikh of the Pyramid. Then (on camel-back) to interview Sphinx, who receives us with its usual bland smile, as who should say, “ Wait till you have been taken right through the Museum, my dears, and then we’ll see who has the laugh last!” The Sphinx has it, I think, not being an Egyptologist. Still, glad to meet’ Rameses II., who, as IpraniM says, was the father of seventy-two sons, sixty-nine being boys and three girls. Also, rather like Dsot-pTa-aAN-FANK and AAHMES-HENT-TASU, and other celebrities. Introduced to Paaraon’s daughter and Manepata, persecutor of Israelites. Result, fall asleep in carriage going home. LATEYLY BROUGHT OUT.—Mr. LaTery’s Christmas Annual in his popular Penny Illustrated Paper, is uncommonly warlike for so eminently peaceful a season of the year. It is mainlv a Khartoum-Kitchener-Soudan-and-Sirdar number; it ends with a poem by CLEMENT ScortT, illustrated by a clever somebody whose name—mirabile dictu /—is not on the drawing, entitled ‘ Waterloo and Omdurmon.” This warlike illustrated annual might well have been dedicated to ‘‘ Warre’s Boys at Eton,” among whom no doubt it will be very popular. We trust that the circulation of Editor Largey'’s paper may be “‘ Laté et longé.”

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NovemBer 19, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Or all artistic volumes on purely artistic subjects, commend the Baron to that of the Magazine of Art for 1898, CassELL & Co. One of the twocolour-plates, called The Offering, Sir E>warD PoYnTER, P.R.A., a water-colour, might have been with advantage omitted. The other, St. Cecilia, from the painting by Geo. Hrrenocock, is better, but not entirely satisfactory. m the other hand, all the photogravures are excellent ; and among them the reproduction of A Belle of Saville, by Burnoxss, B.A., takes the first place, that is, in the Baron’s humble opinion. A ‘“ Memorial Sketch” of that dashing cavalier artist, brave Sir Jouw Grisert, R.A., P.R.W.S., is most interesting, and especially so to the Baron, on account of its containing Sir Joun’s frontispiece designed for Mr. Punch in 1843. Among several able articles contributed by Mr. M. H. Spretmanw is one on JULES CHERET, ‘‘the Poster King,” as just as it is generous. In the article on “ Masks among Greeks and Barbarians,” there is a Grecian terra-cotta Mask of Tragedy, which bears a weird resemblance to a certain full-face portrait of WrmL1aM Maxepgace THACKERAY, by Law- RENCE, that is, if the Baron’s memory serves him well. Alto- gether, the present volume, for 1898, of the Magazine of Art is certainly ‘‘one of the very best” of Messrs. CassELL’s many ventures. The third volume completing The Annals of a Publishing House (BLacKWooD) suffers by comparison with its predecessors from an inevitable cause. With few exceptions, the earlier years of the life of an eminent man or a great firm are the most interest- ing. It is the period of storm and stress, when character is being formed, and everything has to be won by hard fighting. As soon as a man waxes fat and kicks, my Baronite finds him suffer- ing from the atmosphere of commonplace that environs prosperity. When Witi1amM BLackwoop came to the throne at 45, George Street, Edinburgh, the firm of BLackwoop was establi<hed, and month by month Maga went her pleasant ways. This third yolume is the record of uneventful times as compared with the story of the founder of the firm. Nevertheless, we come upon interesting correspondence with contributors to the Magazine, and peeps of the personality of Butwer LytTTon, CHARLES LevER, DELANE, LAURENCE OLIPHANT, THACKERAY, AYTOUN, TENNYSON, and GeorcEe Exror. The story of the introduction to the firm of the author of Scenes of Clerical Life is graphically set forth in a series of letters from Lewes, who introduces Groroe Exior as a diffident and despondent young man who must not be criticised, lest he sink into his shoes. This deprecation of frank criticism was by no means supererogatory. Joun BLackwoop, like his predecessors in the chair, had his own views about literary work, did not hesitate to set them forth, and even insist upon their adoption. Mrs. Porter, taking up the pen that fell from the hand of Mrs. OLrpHant, has admirably completed her work, giving a vivid impression of the sturdy character of ber father. In the next edition it will be wort while to correct a passage on page 115, where she makes Kino- LAKE refer to ‘‘ the collapse of GLADSTONE’S mg y fy 1867.” Mr. GLapsTone had no Ministry in that year, his first dating from December, 1868. Quatorzains, by W. E. HENLEY, and London Types, by Wr11aM NicHOLsoN, published by W. Hemremann. ‘‘ Hum!” quoth the jaron, “why Quatorzains? Let's count. There are thirteen pictures. Well, that would be ‘ 7'reizaine’ or ‘ Baker’s dozen.’ There’s a French word, which the dictionary informs me is obsolete, ‘ Quatorzaine,’ signifying ‘fortnight.’ However, if ‘ Quatorzains’ delights and satisfies, ‘ Quatorzains’ be it.” In strong contrast, suggested, too, by the titles of the subjects, are the sturdy Beefeater and the sad Sandwichman. There are many who extravagantly praise the breadth and depth of this quaint Nicholsonian style. Of course, ’tis clever, though emudgy and it were better if the praise, when extravagant, should be, like the paper on which the work is printed, ‘‘ toned down.” Phases of My Life, by Francis Picov, D.D., Dean of Bristol. (Arnotp.) The D.D.D.’s clerical autobiography is amusing and chatty: just the sort of book to take up occasionally, and to read of it “here a bit and there a bit.” A most pleasant district visitor is the D.D. Dean when looking in for a bon quart d’heure ; at the expiration of which time, the visited might politely hint that, possibly the D.D.D. of Bristol could make it convenient to “go to Bath.” Tue Baron vz B.-W.

THE PROCESS OF EXHAUSTION. Gifted Amateur, ‘Now, Mrs. Vivasn, I REALLY WANT Your Orintoxn. Do you THINK A GLASS WOULD IMPROVE IT?” Mrs. Vivash (who has had enough of it), ‘‘ M’yes, I THInx 11 wouLp—GrounpD GLass!”

THE FUTURE DIRECTOR’S VADE MECUM. ( With thanks to the L. C. J. for the suggestion.) Question. You are prepared to take up the new duties attach- ing to the management of a company of limited liability ? Answer. With your kind consent. Q. You are competent to conduct a business P A. As a member of the Bar, a Justice of the Peace, a Master of Foxhounds, and a Major in the Militia, I am of that opinion. Q. There is nothing in your past life that should stop you assuming the responsibility ? A. As a small boy I once thought of robbing an orchard, but as I repented and gave my companions into custody, I fancy | have purged the offence. Q. Have you anything else in your school life to confess ? A. I once shammed illness, but on the doctor ordering me a black draught, confessed the deception. Have you been on affectionate terms with your relatives ? A. Certainly ; and have taken a great interest in the statistics of their birth, marriage, and offspring. Y. Why have you done this? A. Because I consider that Somerset House should be patron- ised by legatees in posse. Q. i think you took a respectable degree at the University ? A. A thoroughly respectable one, and it took me ten years and a half to obtain it. Q. Are you determined, if elected a director, to give all your time to the business ? A. Most assuredly. wards midnight. Q. And will let the shareholders know that you are always on the alert ? ‘* Certainly, by sending out a daily circular giving the diary of my life. Q. Are you prepared to place your entire time at the disposal of the constituents ? A. Yes, and my best energies. Q. And what claim do you make for all this? A. To be considered by the public not only an officer but a gentleman. I will appear by 9 a.m. and retire to-

SaLuTaTIon TO THE NEW Lonp Mayror.—Viva! Voce!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Novemesr 19, 1898, Miss Gushington. *“* WELL, you I ENJOY EXCELLENT HEALTH AS erppiness !"’ KNOW, DEAR Mr. Rosinson, FOR MY PART, I MUST SAY A RULE, ONLY I DO SUFFER 80 AT TIMES FROM FITS OF “THE GOD IN THE CAR.” (By the Little Tin god in the Press-Seals.) (“* He” (Lord Sarissvupmy) “‘ was bound to say something about these interesting topics last night, and he did so in his usual casual, dilettante manner. Our preparations for war meant nothing at all... . They thought that he was about to declare a defi- nite policy ....but in a moment it was clear that they were wrong. The Great Muddler was minded only to muddle on. ... All this, we confess, seems to us to be Satispvary at his feeblest, .. . Such an utterance makes us more than ever distrust the man who has so often let England drift into danger.” — The “ Daily Chronicle” on the Lord Mayor's Banquet.) Anp so, fulfilled with turtle rich and real, With all that goes to make a civic meal, Heavily sat we on our creaking seats And speculated how the morrow’s sheets Should shout with headlines :—Sa.ispury UNVEILS ! HE TELLS US WHERE THE BAILS ! Mysti SQvaDRon | | ABDUL IN WANT oF CasH! He issves Fir- MANS— |Eeyrr ror Us, AND JAFFA FOR THE GER- MANS ! Tue Ancio-Tevton TREATY. TERMS AGREED. Free TRADE UPON THE JORDAN GUARANTEED ! PARIS INDIGNANT! Rvssia FULL OF PHLEGM! Ovr Fieer’s opsective is JERUSALEM !! For this, we took it, was the Premier’s chance To make his riddles obvious at a glance ; Pellucidly to dissipate the gloom Attaching to the recent naval boom ; To warn our many friends who want to hear | Just where our various ships propose to steer ; | To sketch a map or two of harbour-mines And ventilate the Volunteers’ i : To a (or lend, at least, a helpful ) | Which special Enemy we have in view ; And if the preparation’s not for war, | Then tell us what in thunder it is for; Since curiosity was strangely stirred And one might see upon his primal word Whole nations hanging. Then the Chief uprose Like one that issues from a pleasing doze ; Cool was his air, his tone was dilettante, His information singularly scanty ; The casual lips, sarcastically curled, (As though as knew full well how wide a world Gazed on the god discoursing from his car) Said much, but nothing eS rggire War? Dear me, no se costly pre- parations (Habitual with Continental nations) Were being made as smartly as could be, But had no sort of use that he could see. Designed to shew the French that we could whop ’em They still went on because you couldn’t stop ’em! Turning to Egypt—he had seen of late Some mention of the term Protectorate. The story, launched by certain lusty lieges, That we should shortly spread our royal egis Over the domicile of ancient PHaraon Was ben, of course, trovato, ma non vero. If we arranged it, say, for that day week It might provoke a little foreign pique ; But he could state, without inflicting pain, That we were there and there we should remain ! So the Great Muddler calmly muddled on Till he sat down; and then his chance was gone. O maladroit! and at his feeblest here, Is this indeed our country’s guiding Peer? Are these the hands to which'a flippant fate Confides the hopes of our unhappy State ? Hands only fitted, at a pinch, to drag Down in the blithering dust her blighted ag! A prince of gibes, irreverent, ironical, Despising Truth as taught him in the Chronicle! Yet oe his heedless eye, that very our, Sat one whose word can make a monarch cower! Not humorous, but every inch a leader, Though here disguised as just a common feeder ; Who could have told him, then or any day, What Foreign Ministers ought not to say. We were that man: among our noted feats We reckon how the heart of England beats! Not that a chronicler would crudely show In what precise direction things should go ; Not that beforehand even we affect To name the attitude that ’s most correct ; But we contend, in totting up the hoary Blunders of this effete and fatuous Tory— Whatever is (we ’ve said it all along) Is, by that simple fact, absurdly wrong. “Ractan Trovstes IN THE UNITED States” was the heading of some news in the Daily Telegraph of Saturday. Pro- bably some “ Racial Troubles” will arise from SLOAN coming over to ride in England. Tae Nearest Arproaca To “Sarissury Priain” is to be found in the Marxiss’s speech at the Lord Mayor’s banquet. Nors sy a Socrat Cry1co.— abolish the “‘ push” stroke at billi they ’ll never do so in Society. may , but A Wetcome Cxristmas (Post) Box.— Penny postage to India on and after December 28.

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te ail ti} Mn. % iu = ‘AUOLXIA V ees1 61 WAGKEAON—JUVAIUVHO NOGNOT SHL WO ‘HONDd

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November 19, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 237 X SON ASS ASSSS a ‘ WARNING TO CYCLISTS. AwrvuL DiscovERY MADE BY JONES ON THE MORNING OF THE THROUGH DeEvoTion TO CYCLING, HIs CALVES HAD DEVELOPED FAR OF HIs Boors. oA! , j DARBY JONES LEAVES LIVERPOOL FOR DERBY. LiverPoot, I believe, derives ite name from a weird waterfowl (not owned by Captain Greer), and on my communi- cating the fact to the Count, who is still on the look-out for Continental Exports, he ordered a dish of them for dinner. Alas! the Liverpudlian Bird must be as extinct as the Proverbial Dodo, for he was served with the ordi roduce of the Calf, accompanied by relishes of Pig’s flesh. Yet this Bird figures large on the Municipal Shield, and would undoubtedly, in fine and healthy condition, be highly acceptable to a well-known Fictionist, Poet ond Sandee Gossip, who recently, by his own account, dined off “a soul with » a4 sauce.” He will be devouring a Ghost stuffed with truffles next! Why not a real Liver? Let me turn to more practical matters. Just as Knowsley, with its reminiscences of the Ancient Monarchs of the Isle of Man and the Progenitors of Mr. Haut Carne, is the mainstay of the Liverpool gathering, so is Chatsworth, embellished with the Relics and Tomb of Sir Josgrn Paxton, the Chief Support of Derby. The City and I pronounce our names after the same Classical Mode, but spell it differently. Filled with Timorous Apprehension, that Dread with which even the most Argus- eyed Vates fears the Fatal Pen, whose scratching never tickles any Backer, I em- bark into poesy anent the Cup associated with the Midland Railway Metropolis, and warble : — For the Sky Saint I may not declare But the Cutroek may come to the fore; Brave Zealous has no weight to spare, And the Sun god is forward no more. Look out for the “ Colonel” and “ Duke,” For their choices are sure to go near ; The Ditchweight may bring off a “ fluke,” But the High Sign and Fairy I fear. You may not be convinced, nor in truth, honoured Sir, am 1; but I am perhaps the more inspired by the Right-feeling Spirit of Prophecy, because I have just Fashodad (to use the latest Bourse expression) a con- siderable portion of one of those mighty Slabs of Corned Ox for which Derby is so justly celebrated. Trusting that the Ne- cessary Reminder for the Brodigious Out- lay to which I have been put may meet with your Esteemed Approval of its Mode- ration, I beg once more to subscribe myself, your ever obedient slave, but not syco- phant, Darsy Jones. (D. J. has sent us in a wondrous bill, totally disproportionate to his services. Apparently he has lived on nothing but champagne, whiskey and soda, and anchovy on toast ever since we were rash enough to send him North. Our method of dealing with his extravagance is simple.—Ep.]} (A OPENING MEET, THAT BEYOND THE CAPACITY FLEET STREET AMENITIES. Dear Mr. Puncu,—The Daily Chronicle has been casting re- flections upon some remarks of my friend the German Kaiser, now on tour. I therefore propose to stand outside the offices of that journal and say “ Deutschland iiber alles!” quite loud; also to break the hats of the Editorial staff as it comes out. But I should be glad to be assured that all expenses incurred in an subsequent proceedings will reach me if subscribed by my ad- mirers. Will you therefore kindly forward to my solicitors such collected funds as may sent to you for this excellent purpose ? I see that the Daily Chronicle has done a similar act of friendli- ness to “a number of sympathisers with Dr. Russe..,” a gentle- man, you may remember, who observed “ Vive la France!” at the top of his voice, and simultaneously collided with your front-window. I gather from this precedent that I am not ask- ing you to commit a breach of inter-journalistic comity. Yours heroically, GERMANICUS. Copy-book Headings for the London School Board. Ir is Easy to be Extravagant, but Estimable to be Economical. A Politic Official avoids Conflict with a Police Magistrate. Dramatic Dances should be Acquired by Students of the Higher Grade. ‘ A Pension in Hand is worth a Superannuation Fund in the Bush. A Question of Doubt can be often Usefully Ameliorated by the Opinion of Counsel. : ; The Thames Embankment is the Finest Site, and the Home of the School Board the Finest Sight that the Universe Possesses. SHaksPEARE and the Musical Glasses should be taught to the most Uneducated. It Looms in the Future to Charge the Patient Rate-Payer Fifteen Shillings in the Pound. Tue Marpen’s Morto.—“ No reasonable offer refused.”

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238 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 19, 1898. READY-MADE COATS(-OF-ARMS); OR, GIVING ’EM FITS. ba, Pte Ee ee ~~ (nes AD MeNoicos DEBE" . GIVE Tye BEGGARS BEANS FPar Z Ist Baron Russevt or KiLLowen. Arma : Quarterly ; Ist, io 9 ly from a legal orle of reception, a civic beak newly chained or, robed and garnished proper with bullion, slightly debruised with thunderbolts issuant from a chief justifiably rampant in invective robed and wigged proper with sleeves turned up ermine gorged with a choler of justice ; 2nd, at a bend of the field on a turf vert under the heraldic rose a sporting veteran wary to the last putting a bit Fema’ on a likely mount turning up trumpy on the post; 3rd, several salted guinea-pigs debrettées richly gilt and voided of scruple charged with marketable coronets bartered in lure; 4th, on a ground of promotion a partisan of renown semee with shamrocks and shillelaghs and wreathed with laurels elevated and erased all proper. Crest : Rising from a bar barry a tower of strength armed at all — and charged with a snuff-box of resort furtively employed for solace. Supporters : Dexter, a female figure of justice scaly on the pounce reguardant sundry bubbles of finance issuant in fraud. Sinister: An irish disunicorn, brogued proper, chronically rampant in quest of autonomy. OF COURSE. (* Mr. Pact ee Dy being welcomed in a Lenten peteners, id, ‘ During his practice at the Bar he was of course brought into contact with many solicitors.” .... There will be many at the Temple who will wish that contact with solicitors should be such a matter ‘ of course.’ ” Westminster Gazette.) Or course? Ah me! since I was called My head hath grown first grey, then bald! Solicitors may come and go, I watch them flitting to and fro, I see them here, I see them there, I see them always everywhere, I hear their footsteps on the stair, I listen, hope, and then despair, For ah! they do not come to me, They stop below at Sixx, Q.C. Of course? Nay, hardly. Day by day To Lincoln’s Inn I wend my way, As regularly as a star Ye though Td fe t+ et, tho ’d fain i ily In High Court, Guminal Old Bailey Despite my very best endeavour, Solicitors come near me never, And I reflect, amid my griefs, Many are called, but few get briefs. Of course? I hoped—but hopes will fail, And now I’ve learnt another tale, That one may live and never know Those bagmen whom we worship so, Nor even greet with eager eyes ose angels whom we so ise. And therefore, though with ~ pn I criticise the Law’s elect, I feel myself constrained perforce To deprecate those words, “ of course.” Unconsciously Appropriate. Jane. ’Allo, Hemma, what are yer a- crying about 5 Hemma. Missus ’as given me the sack because I knocked over some of them hornaments she calls “ break-a-break.” The Soft Answer: Vicar. I noticed, Mrs. Prerrn, that you were asleep during the latter half of my sermon. id you find it dull? Mrs. Pippin. Dull! No, Sir. But it was so sweet it lulled me to rest agin my will. “pIra. r val . 9 Second S. C. Ou, THE SPIES: AN INCIDENT OF ’98. | mathe he i neces t¢ Sceyt—The Powder Magazine. Tommy ATKINS discovered on sentry-| First S. C. Weel, go. Enter two Suspicious Characters. oorsels. T. A. (reminiscent of the Adelphi). Ha, ha! ’Oo’ave we year? | (S. Cs. pause and look round curiously.) Them coves is up ter mischief. I’ll keep a heye on ’em. First S. C. (to T. A.). Ma guid man, Ah doot we’ll hae wan- | nered aff the road a bittie. ft no good yer torkin’. Harmy Schools. First 8. C. Hoot, laddie, div ye no ken yer ain mither di on, Mossoo. know. } Second 8. C. Ou, Jzames, Ah’m wonderin’ what he'll be | sayin’ till ye? First 8. C. Deed, Ah canna richtly tell, Davis. Thae Coak- neys talk wi’ siccan awccent, an’ that ungrammawtical. T. A. If yer thi me, yer a jolly flat. They don’t learn us Double-Dutch in the | a Carn’t ‘ave yer furriners ‘angin’ rahnd year, yer | 2/0ng 0’ me! [zit T. A. haling A. (aside). Furriners, s’elp me! (Shaking his head.) ’Tain’t | bt ar t oC Se oe iper! TSC D- . ’ ’ JeaMeEs, ’tis an unco feckless buddy, an’ ll us. in that case, Daviz, we maun jist tell [Produces map, which he proceeds to study. T. A. Well, I’m—— S’elp me, if ’e ain’t bin an’ got a plan! Second S. C. Ou, Jzames, Ah doot this’ll be the Pooder Mawgazeen, is ’t no, laddie ? . : yer a-goin’ ter get hany hinfamation outer Carn’t ’ave yer drorin’ yer plans year. ast. Ah was jist speirin’ a ———_ + tong ? - : (pith licaly sonallestion of Dervishes). Spearin’ at me, A. (3 ’ A . 'Tain’ . : was yer wo can ply at that gyme. 1. (still shaking head). ’Tain’t no good, I tells yer ove Yor tee Rocsian anion, that's wes sur aan, an 1 ain’t a-goin’ ter stand hany o’ yer nonsense. ’Ere—(seizes them)—come the S. Cs. to the guard-room. It turned out, however, that they were no Russian Spies, but the Provost of Auchterwhuskey and his brother the Bailie, who were doing the Lions of London with a map. . A. (growing impatient). Nah, then, ’ow much longer are | yer a-goin’ ter stand a-parleyvooin’ year ? First 8. C. Weel, as Ah was sayin’, Ah doot we'll hae wan- nered aff t T. A. ’Tain’t no good, I tells yer. I carn’t tork Roosian an’ yer carn’t tork hanythink. A Non-optionist. I’ve no with that Sir Woerrrep Mrs. Ti Laween. Agent og go and live in the Temperance Zone.

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Novemser 19, 1898.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL IN DEFENCE OF CONVENTIONALITY. “Srirr, formal, cramping, insincere Convention freezes heart and mind,” You said to me one day. I fear Convention you have not maligned. “On every hand she ladles out Set smiles, set actions, and set phrases.” I know it all, yet I’m about ; To try and sing Convention’s praises ! Ccnsider! If for half a week, Whate’er our sex, or age, or youth, We only tried to act and speak The simple plain unvarnished truth! The truth would rob us, I’m afraid, Of friends, acquaintances, relations— To designate a spade a spade Must always lead to complications. Then do not let us always say The thing we mean, or think, or see, Nor let us lightly cast away Convention’s priceless formule. Because we chance to have a heart, What need upon our sleeve to wear it ? And why not put with artless art The thing as people want to hear it ? That social gatherings like a dance Were shams, you told me (in a waltz), And every smile and word and glance Exchanged at parties wholly false. On principle I acquiesced, To please you thus I sought right leally— Although that dance (perhaps you | guessed ?) Seemed somehow an exception, really! Yet formula, I say again, Are blessings in whate’er disguise, And save us hourly from the strain Of some embarrassing surprise. If conversation is absurd, If parties are but sorry labours, At least we know, in deed and word, What to expect from all our neighbours. Originality is “no go,” Things into chaos would be hurled, If we disturbed the status quo— Convention saves the social world. Towards the perfect state she tends, Fraternité, Liberté, and Egalité— Oh, tread the beaten track, my friends, And “ conspuez” Originality | Therefore, in spite of all you’ve said, Society I but exhort To bend the knee and bow the head With me in Queen Convention’s court. And all the more I hail her Queen, Since she—for this my verse has graced : OUR DOMESTICS. her— Makes friendship possible between Applicant (to Mistress of small suburban house). ‘‘Wxit, MuM, 'AVING COME 80 FAR, I You, _ the and me, the|THovcHT as I'p see you. Bur I MUST SAY, THAT PEOPLE AS LIVES IN THI# CLASS OF “ Waster”! ‘OUSE OUGHT NOT TO HADVERTISE IN THE MorNiW’ Post! : 6. Give briefly the law of nations as understood and practised PROPOSED EXAMINATION PAPER FOR ADMIRALS. |... ine quarterdeck. (Picked up at Guildhall on November 9, 1898.) 7. State qualifications for westhesinn $e . (a) ay 1. Grven a crisis in an island in hostile occupation by a nomi- | diplomatically, and (b) at sea, professionally. latter o nally friendly power. Show by what tothe qualities you | the question is put and will be received as a pure formality. can save the situation. 2. Explain in the best diplomatic language the meaning of After-Dinner Chat “the bag-and-baggage policy.” ne : an } . . 38. Suppose that you are taking part in the Concert of Europe.| Amateur Art Critic (to Distinguished me - M dear Sir, Give your reason for performing a solo on the big drum. = Art no longer exists. The “ Glasgow'S killed it. 4. In what respect does “civ” war differ from the regulation istinguished R.A. No,—only “Scotched” it. sored poner Po an example in support chosen from an inci- manent dent of recent date. s Aw P 5. The task of clearing a land of brawlers takes two years of POCKET Ree my vos “i yee eanen & negotiations between the Great Powers of Europe, and then Co., of Farringdon House, a black ic ond tp ends in failure. Show how the scheme can be carried to » suc- | ®# many diaries, especially the -loop ones 0. ®, cessful issue in a couple of hours with the aid of a detachment of | %4 ble. If asked to pay for them, all you have to say is marines supported by the moral force of an irom=lad. “Walker.” Then see what happens.

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210 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 19, 1898, NOT LIKELY. Wife. “Very weit, GEORGE, IF YOU WILL GO SHOOTING—MIND, IF YOU GT BLOWN TO BITS, DON’T COME RUNNING TO ME FOR SYMPATHY!” AUGUSTE AND LUDWIG. A Litre Trip. Robinson. So glad you could come to Brighton. We shall find our French friend outside the Pullman. It’s no good trying to avoid politics. Besides, things are pleasanter now. Ludwig. Yes well. This train go very rash, not true? I have thereof heard. Rob. Yes, in an hour. Ah, there he is! Auguste. Good day, my dear. We are here again, as say the clowns. What good idea of to go pass the Sunday at Brightor! Rob. Let’s take our seats. I’ve secured them. You’ve both been to Brighton ? Lud. One time. Aug. For sure. TI recall me ever the Sunday where I have losed my hat at cause of the tempest. All the magazines were shutted, and I am of return at London the head enveloped of a handkerchief. If I had the air enough droll! Ah but, as to those little misfortunes there, better values to laugh than to anger himself. Is it not ? Rob. Of course. together. Aug. Ah that, I am entirely of your advice! I hope that we go to forget soon all our griefs, we other French. But these journalists, sont-ils hbétes, are they beasts! Rob. The Petit Journal is the worst, isn’t it ? Aug. Ah, my dear, as you say in English, he eat the cake. It is the journal the most despisable. But in fine! What wish you? It is the journal of the doorkeepers, of the concierges. Ah Much better for people to be all pleasant bah! But all go to arrange himself when even. La Cour de Cassation ne s’oceupe pas dw Petit Journal, occupy herself not of the Little Journal, and of others likes. As that, in fine, justice for Dreyrvus, for Proguart, and for all the world! Rob. Hear, hear! say I—but in a whisper, not to disturb the other passengers. Lud. Natiirlich, andTalso. High, high, high! Aug. Tiens! The other day I have seen the Lord of Khartoum. Rob. Lord KircHener. Aug. Ah, these English titles! I shall comprehend them never. There is your Milord Mayor who is Sir, there is your Judges who are Sirs, and also Milords, as Sir Russet1—— Rob. Lord Russet. Aug. And Lord Hawxrxs—— Rob. Sir Henry Hawkins. Aug. And however there is Sirs who are not Milords. By ex- ample, Sir Harcourt Rob. We always say the Christian name—le prénom. Sir Witiiam Harcovrrt. Aug. Ah yes! Sir Writ1am Harcovrrt is not Milord P Rob. No, he’s the Right Honourable. Aug. Hold! Is it that he is also bishop? Rob. No, no. You’re thinking of Right Reverend. Aug. And Lord Grorce Curzon Rob. There we don’t say the Christian name. Curzon. Aug. Eh well! Lord Curzon and Lord Hamitton—— Rob. Ah, there we do say the Christian name. Lord Grorcr HaMILTon. And with that there is Simply Lord Aug. Oh sapristi, cest impossible! Honcurable, as Honourable Mr. BaLrour Rob. The yo Honourable. Aug. Right Honourable Mr. Batrourn—— Rob. No, not Mister. Aug. Eh well! Right Honourable Batrour—— Rob. No, no! Aug. Ah ¢a, tiens! Right Honourable Sir Batrourn—— Rob. No, no, no! . Aug. Mon Dieu! What then? Right Honourable Sir Lord ALFOUR—— Rob. No. The Right Honourable Artaur Batrour. But in conversation you say Mr. Batrour. Aug. Pardon! In conversation I shall say not anything. C’est trop fort! Is it that one can to comprehend this mass of titles? Is it that a stranger can to distinguish between Lord Hersert Kitcuener, and Sir ArtHur Baurovur, and Honourable Hamitton, and Right Reverend Witt1am Harcourt? Ah non! I shall say Batrovur, all short. Lud. I have not the English titles learned. In England are it people who only Mister are. In Germany is every one Herr Baron, Herr Lieutenant, Herr Professor, Herr Doctor, Herr Hofrath, Herr Geheimrath, and so farther. It is enough the German titles to learn. What the English concern, know I nothing thereof. Rob. How do you like these cars ? Aug. Cars? That which you call Irish cars? Rob. No. Pullman cars. Wagons-salons. Aug. Oh, very luxuous! Rob. You mustn’t look at the decoration. taste. Lud. Wunderschin, prachtvoll! Aug. And what quickness! Iud. Kolossal! Rob. If we only went more smoothly! Aug. One is well shaked, that is true. Rob. But we shall soon be there. That ’s American ‘Twas ever thus——” Or, The French Patriot's Lament, I never nursed a dear Bahr-el-Ghazal, To glad me with its banners all the day, But when I got to love it like a pal Some idiot gave the thing—and me—away. Educational, Inquisitive Child (to Nwrsemaid). I say, Janz, what’s the Cifference between English meat and Australian ? Jane. Why, o’ course, Master Reccre, English mutton ’s made o’ sheep, and Orsetralian of ’orse. At Mcnicu.—Mr. Joddletop (to travelling companion at Bier- halle). What they call this larger beer for I’m blessed if I know! Why, it ’s thinner than the Bass I drink at home!

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BUCHANAN BLEND SCOTCH WHISKY AS SUPPLIED TO THE HOUSES or PARLIAMENT.

PORTABLE IRON BUILDINGS of every description. Churche b sti mate es free, W. COOPER, 76, Old Kent Kd., London, 8.E

A Medium Mild Indian Cigar, 3d. each. ‘FLOR DE DINDIGUL’ Wholesome, Delightful, and Fragrant. BEWLAY & CO., 49, STRAND, W.C. ONSTIPATION ured, 1/14 and 4/6. Ladies’ and bildren'’s Tasteless Lazative. ASCARA - HAWLEY

_SAVARESSE’S SANDAL, 4/6. COLDEN BRONZE HAIR. lo a. Tonete San ota ms can be rted Eo wing MARINE eT OS iNT Hn 6, ox wd &t., London c be. bd., ver Sasng esey o Bees Me ir MIN invalua oy paanee to Ha FED YOUR . CHILDREW D®' RIDGES PATENT COOKED 00%

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemsgr 19, 1898. j L BROOKE’S WON’T WASH CLOTHES. MONKEY BRAND SOAP, WON’T WASH CLOTHES. FOR KITCHEN TABLES & FLOORS, LINOLEUM & OIL-CLOTH FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR-RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, MANTELS, &c. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c. Printed Wiliam Stuart Smith, of No. Loraine im the Parish of St. Jory, Telinaten, ip the Quanty of Bisdieses, ot fee Offices of Messrs. Bradbury ee ie Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, of London ~@arvapar,