Punch 1898-11-12: Vol 115 Iss 2992

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= GRAND HOTEL, LONDON. #OTEL METROPOLE, LONDON. HOTEL VICTORIA, LONDON. FIRST AVENUE HOTEL, LONDON, HOTEL METROPOLE, BRICHTON. BURLINCTON HOTEL, EASTBOURNE. THE ORDON OTELS ROYAL PIER HOTEL, RYDE, |. W. CLIFTONVILLE HOTEL, MARCATE, LORD WARDEN HOTEL, DOVER. HOTEL METROPOLE, FOLKESTONE. ARE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 12, 1898. TRY IT IN YOUR BATH £15 158. CRUISE —ormzat TAR, TANGIER, ALGIERS SCRUBB’S ‘rc: AMMONIA | TUNiS, MALTA, MESBINA, NAPLES (19 day, MARVELLOUS PREPARATION. MR. STANLEY WEYMAN'S NEW NOVEL. Now ready. Witha _ ames | Crown 6¥ THE CASTLE INN’ By STANLEY J. WEYMAN, December 20th. £21 CRUISE. —NAPLES, ATHENS, PALESTINE | EGYPT, January | ith, 10. EXTENDED CRUISES includi ; Constantinople Beyrout, for Damascus, Haifa, for Nazareth, ac On the 8.Y. “ARGONAUT,” tonnage 32% Author of “ A Gentleman of France Shre wet a : : h.p. 4,000. : a Refreshing as a Turkish Bath. Sonestess ty Ba. Rane cnt in Sates ‘ a SMITH, ELDER, 400.15, Water Place Invaluable for Toilet Purposes. Lecturers, the Bishop of Worcester, Dean Parr, | MR. CROCKETT'S WEW NOVEL. Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. The shove Cruises begin and ond st Mesetia | ot Published. With © Full-page Illustrations Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing. Return ticket, London - Calais- Paris - Marvell Crown vo, 6 ex Allays the Irritation caused by Mosquito Bites. Sell geeteates ett wad Sen Ge Skewes invigorating in Hot Climates. 5, Endsleigh Gardens, Euston, London, N.W. T = a R cnsenars, E. Restores the Colour to Carpets. — AA RS. Cleans Plate and Jewellery. Orient Company’ § Pleasure Cru MITH, ELDER, & CO., 15, Waterloo Place Price 1s. per Bottle. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Etc. “LU aren oe ster, SCRUBB & CO., Guildford Street, Lambeth, 8.E. To the WEST INDIES and BERMUDA, | CHATTO & WINDUS’S NEW BOOKS. Ik WALTER BESANTS NEW BOOK | Embarking passengers at London (Tilbury 11th January, and arriving back in Londa TO BE READY IMMEDIATELY. Demy 8vo, Pn 1899. = be tra, gilt top, is he following places wil Visited — By SIR TENERIFFE, BARBADOS, TRINIDAD, §0UTH 1 LONDON. oy Se j GRENADA, 8T. LUCIA, MARTINIQUE and WESTMINATER With an SANTA CRUZ, JAMAICA, CUBA (San- Rtched Pront aplece by F. 8. 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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217 “THE VALET OF THE NILE.” MUCH TALKED ABOUT, BUT VERY SELDOM SEEN ! THE MANCEUVRES OF JONES AT THE HAYMARKET. What happened to Jones, as many theatre-goers are aware may be ascertained from information to be received at the Strand Theatre ; but what really happenej to our “ only Jongs” (HENRY Artuur “of that ilk”) to inspire him to write a piece for the Haymarket, entitled, The Maneuvres of Jane, will remain a mys- tery to those who, having probably something else with which to occupy their attention, do not care to pursue the inquiry. Henry AvutHor wrote “The Strange Case of the Reverend Michael and his lost Angel of Islington” (the exact title escapes our memory, but this is near en to be pleasant), which eccentric dramatic work “strutted its short hour on the stage and then was heard no more,” its brief candle sputtering out, unpuffed. And probably the Henry Author-of-its-being, seeing something in that creation of his fertile brain worthy reservation, thought it would be as well to put a little of the wine, home- made, into another bottle, with a new label, for consumption at the Haymarket. And so it comes about, that, as the designing lady in the Lyceum piece was locked up in a room “ for one night only ” with the namby-pamby Michael, so in this Haymarket play the principal heroine, Jane Namgle, is out all night with her lover, George Langton, and the other heroine, Constantia Gaze, contrives to be placed in a similar predicament with Lord Bap- child, on whom she has matrimonial designs; and everything having been explained to the satisfaction of the other dra- matis persone who have not been out all night with any- body, the piece concludes, as it had proceeded, without causing any demonstration of that interest with which the story of The Liars was closely followed by an attentive audience, w en- thusiasm increased with the development of the really ingenious plot. When the curtain desce on The Liars, its author was acclaimed as a SuermaNn Minor, or, say, Minimus. The piece at the Haymarket is, as Touchstone said of the knight’s oath, nought, but the acting is eve ing ; and, merely to see what acting can do for a r piece, the entertainment is well worth a visit. re is y an indifferent rendering of any character throughout ; but not all the fascinating art of a Winirrep Emery can win the sympathy of an audience for such a wilful, childish, petulant, and far from high-principled “ piece of goods,” as is Jane Nangle. Do what Miss Emery can with her, the part is unsympathetic and irritating. As for Constantia Gaze (no connection, of course, with the tourist agency), capitally played by Miss GertrupE Kingston, she is a mild adventuress, and again quite unsympathetic. —— Mr. Cynit Maung is simply admirable as a sort of Verdant Green young nobleman, a figure r rire, a character so farcical that it might easily have been developed into an entirely new species of the genus Dundreary, had such a genuine happy thought as this qgatnes occurred to the author. Be it remembered, how- t Dundreary grew out of The American Cousin, which subsequently had an existence entirely apart from that of Lord Dundreary. “The Mancewvres of Lord Bapchild” (a name as foolish as Dundreary) would have had a far better than those of Jane. The scene in the third act between Mr.Cyau Maupe and Miss Kineston goes with a roar of merriment from begin- ning to end, the curtain being raised three times for actor and actress to receive the plaudits of a delighted audience. This episode will be invaluable hereafter as a most attractive duologue at “benefit” performances. ere, given the two characters, the situation, and the stage entirely to themselves, Mr. Cyrit a ard ee — coally have yt ma — logue at re " then scene might pe ave been even better than it is; but, as it is, it is undeniably the success of the evening’s entertainment. Miss Rose Lecierce, with all her cleverness, can do very little with the dull réle assigned to her; and Pamela Beechinor (what names H. A. J. selects!), a most objectionable girl, whose ob- trusive existence does not seem to be essential to the plot, is remarkably well played by Miss Beatrice Ferran. Her being “taken and shaken” by Jane is the strongest action in Miss Emery’s part. Admirably does she do it, and marvellously does Miss Ferran whimper bear it. Mr. Freperick Hanaseen, as a sort of gentlemanly chorus called Jervis Punshon (here’s another name!), is aa good as he can be with absolutely nothing whatever to do; und so is Mr. Hattarp as George Langton, the lover. As Nangle, which is, we believe, a —- Irish name, and was somehow mixed up with the CHBORNE case, Mr. Exiior has the best “character part” in the piece, simply because there is no- thing novel in it, his characteristics being merely a slight variant of the peppery old fathers in ancient farces, who went about either cursing some one or blessing everybody, and who, in the end, on being patted on the cheek by the pretty hter, invariably ielded, gave consent, and said, ‘‘ Take her, you dog,—be happy.” Such 1s Jonesian originality | Besides these, there are thirteen other characters, all conscien- tiously doing their little bits, and the whole lot of them just worth nothing at dramatically. It has not yet been given to Jonxs to originate another Le Monde ow l’on s'ennuie, though he does rush in where only a very, very few, and those i French dramatists, can treal with safety. All that can do for the piece tumes, and if the character, as we have s q d be Dundrearyized, Mr. Crrnit Mauve might look forward to a run — to that enjoyed by the representative of the once famous nobleman. -y— | stage craft has been done in acting, scenery, and cos- Hatt v. Hoorzy.—A propos of a statement made by Mr. Teran Boom-pge-ay Hoorer, Sir Cuartes Haw, Recorder of London, and Haut of Justice, wrote to the Times to deny that he is, was, or ever has been, what Mr. Hoorzy had asserted him to be, or to have been. Hatt right. Good. Proudly conscious i i ity, Sir Cuaries Hat wrote, “as I am the only person of that name,” therefore, &c., &. Of course. “ Charles, our friend,” the only person of that name, and no other genuine! Colourable imitations there may be ; likewise per- sons asserting that they are “‘ Haut the same concern,” which is a most “ untradesmanlike falsehood ” ; but Caaruey is our darling, our gay cavalier, our only Hatt, not to be Haul’d over the coals, and to be blackened in the process by a Hooley-gan! Jamais de la vie! Why French? Don’t know; but ‘tis emphatic. “How dost thou, Charles?” to quote Snaxsrzarr’s As You Like it. Then comes the answer, “ He cannot my lord!” Oh, Witty SHaxsrzare! you are in error t % he “speak”! Rather! and he can tell the Hooizy that he is Hooxey and entirely wrong. Nore sy tHe Baron ve B.-W.—From the same publishing firm of Kzcan, Paut & Co. (with a lot of “Co.” limited), are issued The Silence of Dean Maitland and a volume of Sermons. We, personally, should prefer the “Silence.” Also is advertised A New Light on Hebrew History, by Professor Connuur. Was this work | ape written for the Corn’ill Magazine? Of course it will be very witty, full of bons Mo’ and Jews d’esprit. Tae osviovs Rerty WHEN avpREesseD sy Sin Henrsert Kitcuener.—“ Sir-dar-you !” VOL, CXV.

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218 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemser 12, 1898]

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AN EXPENSIVE VISITOR. Sultan. ‘Hum! Iyre.tiigenr youne Man! But I THINK, AFTER THIS, I MUST REALLY CONFINE MYSELF TO ‘P4AYivg GuzEsTs.’”

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Novempzr 12, 1898.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 219

THE SULTAN AND THE TRAVELLER. An Eastern Tas. Tae Suttan and the Traveller So one Chi a But we ike an ee Buch" queatities of debt. : “The means to clear this off,” they said, “It would be nice to get.” “Tf seven banks with seven loans Tried it for half a year, Do you suppose,” the SurTan said, “That they could get it clear?” “T doubt it,” said the Traveller, And shed a bitter tear. “OQ Moslems, come and look at us!” The Sutran blandly bade. “A Giaour guest, come from the West, To push Teutonic trade ; For that new palace, built for him, You very kindly paid.” The Sutran and the Traveller The capital had seen, With streets so nicely paved, and washed Conveniently clean ; And all the placid Moslems stood, Like fatalists, serene. “The time has come,” the Suitan said, “To talk of many things; Of shoes that pinch, of costly stones, Of Cretan chiefs, and kings, And railways made in Germany, And whether pounds have wings.” “But wait a bit,” the Moslems cried, “ Before we have our chat ; For all of us are out of cash, Squeezed, like a lemon, flat.” “No hurry,” said the Traveller. They thanked him much for that. “A loan of gold,” the Surran said, “Is what we chiefly need, Rubies and diamonds besides Are very good indeed ; Now if you ’re ready, Moslems dear, We’re waiting to be fee’d.” “But not by us,” the Moslems cried, Turning a little blue, “We've been compelled to wash our homes, A painful thing to do!” “They look so fine,” the Sutan said, “ And much improve the view.” “Tt was so kind of you to come, And leave domestic ease.” The Traveller said nothing but, “One more concession, please ; We want a larger profit than We get from German Threes.” “You don’t object,” the Suttan asked, “To join in such a trick? We've flattered you for all we ’re worth, And said you are a brick.” The Traveller said nothing but, “The butter’s spread too thick,” “T weep for you,” the Suntan said, “T deeply sym ise ; An ornament in diamon Those of the largest size— A sabre, jewels, furniture, My modest gifts comprise.” “O Moslems,” said the Traveller “You’ve all been nicely done | So I'll be trotting off again.” But answer came there none ; And this was scarcely odd, because They ’d hooleyed every one.

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Tarpy Jostics.— Sir,” writes “Sioz) Jvrogstioz,” “I read in the Times of Thurs- H.B.H. perm an he = WALES. day, November 3, this oS pk on, Gest seattle, Neh s0 illimore rose at one o I o0oD ing, Sir, to you, Well, why not? What 1s it to anybody if | East, West, and North, and South! Mr. Justice Partiimore did take a longer, That all our hearts speak true turn than usual in a nice warm, cosy bed ? _Is no mere word of mouth. Why should his Lordship have come out in No flattery of powers that be such horrid weather, unless, of course, he Your judgment could convince. were keeping his Court and Courtiers wait- From shore to shore, from sea to sea, ing? But of this there is no mention. One shout goes up of loyalty, Mr. Justice Paritmore might have been| The shout of Empire vast and free, late overnight; might have sat up study- “God save and bless the Prince!” ing, or not studying, legal problems. I do hope,” writes our correspondent most, Op Saw new set vor « Briont Racer. emphatically, “that, in future, Mr. Justice —* Slo-an eure wins the race.” Pxtiiimore will be allowed to rise any day | oh at his own time without public attention| AsTHmatic aTrack iw Winter.—“ Piping being drawn to the fact.” | times.”

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220 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novaussn 12, 1898, Between the ball-room and the football field there ecm Gp ae & Comms Se risk of injury is, I think, rather greater in lormer. Westminater Gasette.} Aas! how many things I No what they used to be What ware ty Time’s fell curse, And every one of Or WOrse ; And si my post- . Oh! for the days when there were dancers! Oh! for the mazes of the Lancers! With what a nimble elastic We tripped it on the Tight fantastic With a sweet charm which now is not, gay cotillion or gavotte, Or with a more regal yet, We seamed @ date minuet, Each man of us a choice assortment Of Turveydropian deportment. But where is now your ancient pomp? Your dance is but a vulgar . eer" emis “ Barns” and “ Posts ”—oh, You only think of kicking high. men career sans time, sans rh » The girls rush helter-skelter with ’em, They charge, they trample on one’s toes, Their elbows hit one on the nose, They black one’s eyes, still on they come, They butt one in the back and stom— I mean the waistcoat, till the hall Is more like battlefield than ball. I’d rather serve in the Soudan, I’d rather fight at Omdurman, I’d rather quarrel with a chum, 3 Se — a Ru by scrum, “IT 18 SOMETIMES DANGEROUS TO INQUIRE.” oad aedpeen Lyd ayn Lal - Most desperate of men, than chance Inquisitive Tourist. ‘‘ AND HOW DO YOU FIND THE Crops THIS YEAR, MurPuy? My life and limbs at modern dance. Murphy. ‘‘How po Il Finp THE Crops Is IT? Surg, your Honovr, 'T1is py Diceinc For 'EM, ANY way!” DARBY JONES ON “BOTTLERS” AND | 2t2er, “Bottler” comes along and spells “no” in quite a different manner. LIVERPOOL. So beware of “ Bottlers” in the Back- We have now arrived, honoured Sir, at end, especially at Li l, whore the . Z »| canny” men of the North serve them u that Season of the Year when “ Bottlers on ~ do Calien. at tn eam pn 4 are most in evidence. The word “ Bottler”| Pielets and other indigestible Cakes at will not, I opine, be found in the Lexicons| 7.4 time. It will puzzle many an Intrepid of either Dr. Samore Jonnson, or of Plunger to know how he is going to come Messrs. Wensren and Water. Indeed, | 1, on the Monday following the IV. Days without Sag ¢ registered the mot at Sta- df Guten but while begging you, hon- tioners’ Hall, we it a8 & poor thing, | oured Sir, and other Patrons, to remember but Mine Own. The “ Bottler” is a pecu-| t)4¢ the Good-win Sands are as much in liar beast, and in nine cases out of ten He | .vidence round about the Mersey as the (or She) belongs to a Trainer. He has gene-| ... off the Coast of Kent, I may rally been so well tried at home that he can | »>membrance of Marmion’s last words with safety be relied on to clip the Autumn | throughout. the meeting, and also crave, Handicapper’s Observant Optics, and be | j, special reference to the Liverpudlian comfortably weighted at an Impost which | Guy some hearing for the rhymes of a shall be as easy to carry as an ounce OF | Rewildered Bard, who sings : — two of Thistle-down. Occasionally the i “ Bottler” has run in the Early Spring, oe Bees Onl eee alone, before he ised that he possessed four legs, but he ~ searcely ever won. In- The Old Sign needs a better tone deed, it is greatly to the credit of the | The Timber Down will not be last, “Bottler” that as a rule he never seeks | King’s Envoy runs for me ; victory in these Prelimi Exercises, and | And if Perfeetiona's passed, if he be misguided enough to attempt a "Twill be by Castle B. Coup on his own account, he is speedily | .. : moe He that his Education is far from | Y°Ur much misunderstood mercenary, complete. Darsy Jonze. The “ Bottler” is the Terror of thé Tip- ster. Training Reports anent “ Bottlers” | are about as valuable as tae Gamboge- | THE LOST ART. coloured Volumes issued by the French A GREEK TRANSLATION. Government on the subject of Fashoda and | me Ad ny he Png = | iy jf ~~ eg THe METAMORPHOSIS OF CHARLEY’S AUNT. other Freaks on the Nile. And as Captain |* Dancing... .. has developed into an exercise (“Prince Nrowoxas of @ * has ed KRITERION very justly a, oe if you | little better than a “romp”; the art seems lost;/Mr. W. 8. Peniey for permission to are in the “know” of one “ ttler,” an-| step, tune and rhythm are alike ignored... .. Charley’ s Aunt into modern Greek.’’—Datly Paper.)

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Novemper 12, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MISCONSTRUCTION. [Some rebellious murmurs have lately been heard against the quaint and pleasing practice of printing the menu in ."'— The World.) On, democratic leveller, who do not even shrink From turning into English Ollendorffish MArrERuiNox, Spare yet this further step! nor let your ruthless fingers itch To tear aside the mask that veils the viands of the rich, The card that hides grim secrets from a too inquiring view In merciful obscurity—the mispronounced menu. Purées we taste and question not, we count it inexpedient To set down in plain English each mysterious ingredient ; The rather homely sweet-bread sounds quite dignified, you know, When served (and priced accordingly) as dainty ris de veau, And he who pays in ignorance of what hors d’ceuvres mean, Might grudge a modest shilling for an oyster or sardine. Sheer gammon and plain spinach seem more appetising far If gallicised to jambon and disguised as épinard ; Let English beef still decorate its wholesome lean and fat In semblance of filet de boeuf, dressed a la this and that, And honest “ Murphies” swell with pride and satisfaction when Writ large as Maitre d’Hétel, fondantes, or Pomme Parisienne. Thus heralded and introduced there ’s nothing comes amiss, Hunger has neither eyes nor ears, ignorance is bliss ; Let us from some unknown Chdéteau our wry-faced claret sip, Then pay our monstrous bill, and add the gargon’s heavy tip, But—no translation! for in truth no restaurant would dare Describe its thieving menu as an honest Bill of Fare. Tatty Incen10.—Toby wishes to be informed by any competent authority on drink, whether a compound called “ Dog’s Nose” will be permitted to be sold at the bars of the House of Com- mons? We are sorry to hear that our excellent Toby is compelled, for a while, to seek a warmer climate, as he is suffering from “cat-arrh, and requires dogtering.” Latin Lecat Morro FoR PRESENT APPLICATION TO soMB MIz1- Tanry Leapers In FRrance.—“ Dolus latet in generalibus,” or Anglicé, “Some Generals are up to sly tricks.” Arter the “little nipper” had departed, the motto of the Fi APPALLING POSITION OF POOR LITTLE DOVELEIGH, WHO HAD TAKEN A FEW Acres oF SHOOTING ON THE BORDERS OF FARMER BLUNDER- BORE’S LAND, AND HAD NOT SUFFICIENTLY VERIFIED HIS Bovun- sleeper awakened was, “ Flea away a be at rest.” DARIES, THE DAY’S TALK, (In Humble Imitation of Rupyarp KIPutnc.) A motor-caR came sailing down the Strand, piffing and sniffing with each ex- my of the petroleum by which she was riven. Her name was .000000007. she was called .000000007 is not apparent, but she was. Her speed was twelve knots an hour— I am nothing if not technical —and her smell was prodigious. So were her con- versational powers. “ Hullo!” she cried waving her hand to a bicycle which shied visibly at her annroach and held its nose. “How do you find yourself?” “None the better for seeing you,” said the bicycle. It was a Humber (first grade), and therefore haughty. “Needn’t give yourself airs,” hissed the rrotor-car, derisively. “You ain’t an Els- wick, you know.” For there is a hierarchy in bicycles as in other things, and the attitude of an Elswick to a Humber is that of an archdeacon to a mere curate. _ The bicycle deigned no reply, but rang a bell angrily as a "bus bore down upon i “Conceited creature!” said the "bus, shaving its off pedal by an inch. “Clumsy brute!” rang out the bell, in shrill tones. “Toot, toot,” protested the motor-car far in the distance, as it sped jolting and rattling towards Charing Cross, ev Square inch of its person vibrating wit -—" ~ammmaaes as it fussed through the ti C. “I wish you wouldn’t jerk so,” said the piston-rod to the cylinder, sulkily. “What else can you expect?” said the brake, who was a malcontent. He had had a difference of opinion with the cylinder y are morni a. Yah |” said the cylinder. “You want oiling.” : a motor-car drew up suddenly with a jerk. : What ’s the matter now?” grunted the axle. “Policeman in the way,” hissed the cy- linder. “Phut, phut, phut.” “Tf you go on making that noise we shall burst,” said the pneumatic tyres, crossly. “Our nerves won’t stand it.’ “Silence is golden, you know,” sneered the brake. “And noise is always vulgar,” said the cushion on the driver’s seat. He had pre- tensions to good breeding, and despised the motor-engine as @ parvenu. e had formerly belonged to a two-horsed victoria, and constantly alluded to the fact. “You have no repose of manner, my dear,” added the seat, patronisingly. He always agreed with the cushion, and was wont to sigh for postilions and the old Oe ith iil pooh, pooh!” ooh, pooh, pooh, " !” an- swered the motor, as the aah at om moved aside, and left the passage clear. “ What rot all this is!” sighed the driver of the motor-car. “I wish to goodness you machines wouldn’t talk so much.” *Blockhead!” muttered the cushion, stirring angrily in his seat. “Stupid!” hissed the cylinder. “Tf you don’t shut up, I’ll sell you,” snapped the man, savagely. Suddenly there was a crash, a jarring of crumpled machinery, the boom of an explo- sion, and a flash of fire, as the motor-car collided with a brewer’s dray, and blew up, like a melinite shell. .000( was dis- integrated. Cylinder went one way, wheels another, pneumatic tyres a third while in the road sat the driver surrounded by picturesque ruin in flames. “Told you so,” growled the dray ; while the horse burst into song: “Oh! Krretine mine, where are you roaming ?”’ And so, in a babel of highly technical conversation from axles, wheels, hubs, brakes, horses, asses, lamp-posts, letter- boxes, and the rest, the Day’s Talk went on, amid the scarcely concealed yawns of ths reading public. In the Shires. Miss de Flouncy (the newly-arrived heiress). Lhope, Captain Prasxin, that this is a very open country ? Captain Pigskin. Rather! I don’t know a single field without a gate to it. Comment on Mason Marcuann’s Re- TREAT FROM FasHopa.—C’est magnifique, mais—ce n’est pas la guerre.

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222 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 12, 1898, | Mother. ‘‘ Boppy, HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH To EAT?” Bobby (with huge contentment). “‘ I’sB HAD TOO Murs!” “THOSE THAT LIVE IN CLASS HOUSES—”| (En souhaitant le bonjour & M, le Rédacteur- en-chef du ** Petit Journal,’’) Dear Str,—I wish to point @ moral. Last week I showed in serious vein How gentle words may square a quarre, And save a lot of needless pain ; I rather hoped for some reply Saying that this had caught your eye. I hinted—here I’m roughly quoting— That France was touchy in the skin, That she an outer coating So soft, so sensitively thin, That, when a homely truth is stated, She finds her honour perforated. But those whose native habits lead ’em To live in structures built of glass Should not indulge with any freedom In a Ap when people pass, Because, when people heave them back, Conservatories often crack. Now note with what unique urbanity Your journals judge our conduct here ; Not aol as make for mere insanity— The gamin’s rage, the rag pour rire, But prints like yours, whose pride it is To educate the provinces, From that enlightened organ’s page That we it was who lately lathered Your strikers into frenzied rage ; The same old story, O so old, Of virtue bribed by British gold! Voyons, mon lighter have gathered Concealed behind our sombre climate, With every means for lying low, It seems that we were all the time at ‘ yah ery the ee Jur object being, in a word, To make your army look absurd! And who for some ulterior reason Made full arrangements for the Turk To vegetate in bloated ease on Armenia’s grave, his gruesome work ? If one may credit your suggestion We were the horrid brutes in question. And when the English mission Was mi among the pagan blacks, ae who suborned the cassowary That fell wu his harmless tracks ? Ve did! It happened through our nation Being so keen on compensation. All that is cunning, base, perfidious, In beery Albion has its birth ; She still must be the blot, the hideous Blister that blights the crust of Earth, Until her race retires to on [he gory field of Armageddon. Such is your day-by-day consignment Of eye-awakeners for the blind ; Such is the tone of true refinement To which you raise the rural mind ; While we are straining to abolish All speech that lacks the pure French polish. Mon Dieu! you used to send us over Manners to fit your fashion’s code, What time the Empire lived in clover And Paris set the social mode! At all the graces once so deft, You surely have some humour left ? “NOT IN THESE BOOTS!” (Uf an Oxford University precedent is followed at the Inns of Court.) Scene—Benchers’ Room on a Call-night. Enter Candidate for the degree of Utter Barrister. Treasurer (smilingly). Mr. LynpHurst Russert, Smirn, it gives me very great pleasure to announce to you that your success at the recent examinations has enabled us to—— Bencher (interrupting). Pardon me, Mr. Treasurer, but I am afraid you have not examined T. (testily). Surely that is scarcely our duty. Ihave great pleasure—— B. With all respect, Mr. Treasurer, you have not examined Mr. Smitn’s costume. T. (after a casual glance). Surely quite en régle. Black coat, trousers and vest, white tie—— B. (firmly). But, pardon me, Mr. Trea- surer. Cast your eyes towards the floor. T. (aghast). Dear me! (To Candidate.) I must request you to withdraw. : Candidate (erpostulating). But, Sir—— T. (sternly). Be good enough to retire. C. (to Beadle, after withdrawal). What or earth was the matter ? Beadle (horrified). Why, Sir, you were wearing brown boots! (Curtain.

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| = | lh | eae = os = a ee, a ef) | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 12, 1898, READY FOR ANYTHING! ApmreaL Jonun Bui. ‘ALL BIGHT, CAPTAIN?” OCarTarn Satispury, R.N. “ALL BIGHT, SIR!” Apmrrat Jonn Buti. ‘GOOD! YOU KNOW THE OOURSE,—STICK TO IT!!” > ee ee eee ae

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*s

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Novempsr 12, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 225 1 oo / . ‘ A FALLEN ASS. Indignant Gillie (to Jones, of London, whe has by mistake killed a hind). ‘1 THOVCHT ONY FULE KEN’T IT WAS THE STAGS THAT HAD THE HORNS!” EHEU FUGACES LABUNTUR ANNI! (From one Ancient Etonian to another ditto.) Oh! Postavumus, or Brown, or Surru, or Jonzs, The stream is ever flowing to the sea. Gout and rheumatic pains attaint the bones And sinews of our middle age, and we Are on the downward grade. But let us pause, And from remembrance cull the hours of yore, The hours of “ private,” disregard of laws Immunity from trouble—less or more. P Do you remember how we used to row, To “Monkey” in an “after four” and back Or Surly—which ? I really do not know, But Surly has an air of being slack. Do you remember how, as “lower boys,” Our souls delighted in all kinds ’of “ sock ” P That was our word for grub’s plebeian joys ? Old _— forget, and young Etonians mock. Or how our daily pleasure was to shirk “ Mitutor ” and his worth pupil-room P Much oat “at the wall” to go and r , Forgetting “Tardy Book’s” Bradleian gloom. Dear was our Eton, dear it was to play The constant fool, both in and out of 1, B S th osTHUMUS, am getting rather y * While bald’s the word more fitted to your case, Yet, though senescence makes its gradual way And we are sweets forbid, and beer, and cheese, f this I’m sure—there’ll never come a y When memories of Eton fail to please. A Romantic Investment, Dear Mr. Puncn,—I venture to suggest that M. pe Rovosemont and Mr. E. T. Hoougy should be syndicated under the title of the International United Fiction Company (Unlimited). What say you? Your obedient servant, BartTHotomew Buster. Angel Court, E.C. PERFIDIOUS GAUL. Tue Petit Journal of the 1st inst. showed, in a leading article, how the English—who had conferred on the Srtrpar “le titre de lord de Khartoum ”—had by: the scheme of an Empire from the Cape to Cairo, which would form a reserve continent, should the Russians expel them from Asia. The system is simply that of causing various domestic troubles in any opposing country. As regards France, for instance, “ils lui ont suscité l’affaire Dreyrvs, sans parler des annexes, wne gréve qui a échoué, mais qui promettait d’abord beaucoup plus, puis agitation d’un spectre démodé, le complot militaire.” We have no doubt whatever that these facts, or statements, of our very esteemed contemporary are worthy of all respect. On = other hand, we have equally strong moon J that the French caused ,— 1. The mud in London last week. The clouds, from which the rain fell, were blown by a southerly wind from France. 2. The cold, dry winds of last Spring and every Spring. The excitability the French causes their warmed air to rise, and then the cold air from the North Pole rushes over us. 3. The Hoorzy case. We do not quite know how they caused this, but many things are being revealed. 4. The matinée hat. 5. “The Fifth.” That spectre démodé, the Gunpowder Pilot. It is reported that on Saturday last some very suspicious cha- racters were observed, not only at Harwich, but in many English towns. They were in various disguises, and most of them were conducted about by poor English boys and men, in whom poverty had unhappily extinguished patriotism. Can it be doubted that these disgui rsons were French spies? In the evening many loud explosions were heard, and the worst was feared, even where, as at ich, the dry powder is kept in a secret place. 6. The increase of indigestion in England. This is an especially rfidious attempt to undermine the British constitution. Sturdy | Englishmen, who formerly fed on honest sirloin of beef and plain leg of mutton, can get nothing now but aloyau réti and gigot de pré salé. 7. The accident to the Prince of Watzs, from which he has | now happily recovered. This is our last accusation, and it en- tirely eclipses all those made by the Petit Journal. There is very little doubt that the Prince slipped on some French polish. “Wics on THe Green.”—An example of this saying may be seen any day in the Courts of Justice, when several youthful and inexperienced barristers appear for the first time in their full forensic costume.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemszr 12, 1898, cy Le) \ . ao . , ? ’ hy 4 ‘ \~ \\ \\ ARN CiviC FESTIVITIES IN PREHISTORIC TIMES.

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Novemsgr 12, 1898.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Wee Leen HIS 4 is Fee He. ‘* AWFULLY JOLLY CONCERT, WASN'T IT! AWFULLY JOLLY THING BY THAT FELLOW—WHAT's His NAM&?+—SOMErHINY LIKE he. *‘Doorkwop! WHoM DO YOU MEAN ? HANDBL, DooRKNOB.” He. **Tuat’s iT! I ONLY KNOW OF BEETHOVEN, Mozart, WaGNeR, HANDEL I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING YOU CAUGHT HOLD or!” “PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER.’ (A Duologue founded on fancy.) Scene—Guildhall. Chimes and the hour of Midnight on the Bells. First Giant. I say, Gog. . Second Giant. Who are you calling Gog ? First G. Why, you. Your name’s Gog as sure as mine is agog. Second G. But it isn’t. According to Mr. Srryrz, who flourished in the eighteenth century, “ we were designed to repre- sent an ancient Briton and a Saxon, and—— First G. Were painted as if to give us the greater appearance of life, and render us more formidable to children.” I know where you got that from. You have been reading London and its = aorens Described, printed for R. anp J. Dopstey in Pall Mall, ‘61. Second G. Right you are! being Gog and Magog in London and its Environs. pass. What do you want? First G. Only to remind you that we have reached Lord Mayor’s Day and the Annual uet. Second G. Couldn’t very well tee et it, with all the prepara- tions going on! What a heap they do eat, to be sure. First G. Not surprising, after meandering about in a show from twelve till five. Have you heard what it’s like this year? You ought to know, as you are such a reader. Second G. Oh, the same kind of thing as per usual. Bands, banners and beadles. Triumphal cars and fire-engines. First G. I wonder they don’t give us an airing now and again. Second G. Much kinder to leave us where we are. Besides, if they once carried us about the streets they would change our date from the ninth to the fifth. First G. I see, the festival of Guy Faux! to-night. Second G. Just as well, as we shall have plenty of serious talk at the banquet. First G._And comic, too. Some one is sure to be funny. Second G. Guildhall fun is generally more dreary than Guild- hall rhetoric. We have heard a good deal of nonsense in our time, brother. First G. We have. to the rule. Second G. Not likely to leave “common form.” And there’s nothing about ow But let that You are facetious But perhaps this will be an cxception Navy ready for all emergencies, army notice. And to top up, “ First G. Yes, I suppose that will be about the size of it. the place looks very well. Second G. Yes, but it’s a pity that one of the features de- scribed in London and its Environs is absent. I mean that re- markable collection of silk that used to hang to the walls a hundred and thirty-seven years ago. First G. You mean the standards and colours taken from the French at the battle of Ramillies. Oh, we don’t want a re- minder of that sort at present. Second G. Well, I suppose not, especially as we have the ad- vantage of the daily papers. First G. Quite so, brother. “ We don’t want to fight, but-——” Second G. Silence! Remember we are wooden figures, and should behave as such. [Suggestion adopted, and curtain. Reopases to go anywhere at a moment’s ‘e don’t want to fight, but,” &c. Well, THE WARRIOR’S DIARY. Pleasant breakfast to meet distinguished citizens. Such different Turtle-soup Monday. Three lunches, where I heartily enjoyed myself. fare to rations on service. Customary dinner. as good as ever. Tuesday.—¥our breakfasts, a couple of luncheons, dinner, supper. Obliged to show appreciation of all meals. Wednesday.—Much the same as before. Turtle becoming slightly monotonous. However, if people wish to be hospitable, I must be appreciative. Thursday.—I am afraid I am overdoin of it. Invitations pour in by the hundr Can’t refuse them all ! Friday.—Dear me! it’s simply dreadful. Four breakfasts, five luncheons, and half-a-dozen dinners. This is going beyond a de Saturday.—Misery! What I might have expected. Sum- moned to a levee, find that I can’t get into my tunic! it. But can’t get out To an Old Tune. O were and O where is De Rovesmont gone? O where on earth can he be ? With his tale so long, and career cut short, O where, O where is he? The Spectator last week discussed “The Religious Side of the Geaman Empzror.” Quite so; but, any way, it is “ side.”

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228

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemser 12, 1898.

r 3 mmr = WA is \\\ Ya ! IN WZ /- INFORMANT. glist + Miss Connie (to Gent in brook), ‘‘CouLD YOU TELL ME {F THERE I8 A BRIDGE ANYWHERE HANDY?”

“ BROTHER OFFICERS.” (Play at the Garrick reduced to a scenario.) Act I.—Ante-room. First Lancers. Local colouring. Soldiers in uniform. Chap on duty wears belt. at large. Dean for comic relief. Ranker, VC, very redolent of the Sergeants’ Mess. Wants to be gentleman. Saved conscien- tious chap’s life. Conscientious chap won't | take any more his cousin’s money. | Cousin lady of title. Money gone to send| conscientious chap to Eton. Ranker, VC, told to be “ genial.” Bores every one to have a drink. Dean an ry. Ladies at large affronted. Colonel = Cham- pagne produced. Lady of title saves situa-

Necessary ladies | ba: tion by drinking Ranxer, VC’s omy good health. (Curtain. Act II.— Year later. Country house Ss os sh in the rio 4 ocal colourin wo pops— t an rrels. Realistic — if. Real tip. Ranker, VC, improved © more sug- gestion of ne, drinks. Conscientious chap in a mess, Sprained his ankle _ lost £9,000 to a millionaire. Can’t Con- sequently must exchange into Font India regiment and be ruined. Lady of title appeals to Ranker, VC. Gong for dinner. Usual evening dress. Ranxzr, VC, snubs millionaire, and leads lady of title to the quet. a ‘dat III.—Ball. Band playing Mo1-

Lor’s “Last Waltz.” Ranker, VC, “ gone” on lady of title. Ex-conscientious chap describes his shame. Cousin agrees that he must be ruined. Doesn’t occur to her that she might pay the £9,000 (see Act II.) herself. Or if it does, she doesn’t men- tion the notion to a third party. Rankgr, VC, beards the millionaire. Remembers him as a race-course tout. Identifies him Le gh fingers and tattoo marks on is chest. Makes millionaire give up — notes. Millionaire angry. it’s “an awkward thing to make a deadly foe of a chap with two millions of money. Millionaire = right. Lady of title kisses now rehabilitated a ws a She blesses Ranker, VG, re blesses Ranker, VC. paix. turns compliment and blesses — Then says ll go (vid the War . India. a" politely sorry. taking all into consideration, best place = him. Ranxsr, VC, good chap,” but more at his ease amongst tigers and the like than in smart society. So off he goes, 'eaving behind him—curtain. Probable Remarks (by Possible Producer). —Framework distinctly amateurish. Card yed out. Love interest feeble. Diamond-cut-Diamond scene between Ran- Ker, VC, and millionaire tout ive of somewhat similar situation in Still Waters Run Deep. But first-rate part for ARTHUR ey | and this =“ (and emer will) give it a chance of pulling

Srrep tHe—Harrow!—The ex-Head- master of Harrow did well, and his work was “Well done!” m is followed by Rev. JosePH Woop, D.D. Dr. Wxiipon “could,” and did; his successor “ — —but will he? This from Tonbridge School, and Dr. Wmaoes was an Etonian. Is there any rooted ob- jection on the part of Harrow boys to a master of their own rearing? Surely lo: Harrovians will be crying out for justice after the fashion the Jersey folk: “Harrew! Harrow! A mon aide! On m’a fait tort!”

= BETWEEN THE ACTS. An Empty Vessex. The Financial Falstaff. “ Company, villainous Company, hath been the spoil of me!” Henry the Fourth, Part 1, Act IIL, Se. 3.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemngr 12, 1898.

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PUNCH, OR"THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 12, 1898. ) ‘| Hib PEE Wty HII 7 | “a WL id ah HII \ | (|| | it | ww 2 I) Pe /s\|> S lh tea ical | : | \ | ATRL AB |! | HH (WHEN Hi) tlie 4 4 | ' | Fy, \| | | 4 | ——S i I) ) } = — 4 j t BY “VER ne Yj i | 7] Hy Y AS KY ‘a Asse al Pa In WIN i of fi" \ if / ht “6% / / j HT) Wi | t Mi EB NW MUU i I A fli i i | \ An Advertisement drawn by the late H. STACY MARKS, R.A., for Messrs. Pears. aa by William Stuart Smith, of No. Leraine Road, Holleway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County ef Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury teen. & Co., Limited, Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitetiane im the City of London, and published by him at Nu. 6 Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—Sarvapar, jovember 12, 1898.