Punch 1898-10-15: Vol 115 Iss 2988

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— ec, GRAND HOTEL, LONDON. THE HOTEL METROPOLE, LONDON. ROTEL VICTORIA, LONDON. FIRST AVENUE HOTEL, LONDON. HOTEL METROPOLE, BRICHTON. BURLINCTON HOTEL, EASTBOURNE. ROYAL PIER HOTEL, RYDE, |. Ww. CLIFTONVILLE HOTEL, MARCATE. HOTEL METROPOLE, MONTE CARLO. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. GORDON HOTELS S22 7% on a -\ o Pra AA Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. Ailtsess VOLUME CXV. OCTOBER 15, ha ee eT) eee y PTE METIS MR toy ——_—_- ROSE | PRICE THREE PENCE. PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,, LONDON. ; 25 ey S O0O GOLD MEDALS, &c. PURE CONCENTRATED COCOA “The richest in flesh-forming and energy-producing constituents.””—Dr. Awozew Witsom, F.R.S.E., he. y description, will not be returned unless ted Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of an: welope, Cover, or Wrapper. and Addressed En acoompanied by a Stamped @@ NOTICE —Communications or Contributions, whether MS. Prin

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroper 15, 1898. MR. WM. HEINEMANN’S LIST. | TRY IT IN YOUR BATH J[® THE FORBIDDEN LAND. m Account of a J 4 72 Thi ure by the Tibetan Authorities, lm a, and Ultimate Release. By A evar + = Laspos With | Photegravure and § Coloured Pilates, # Pull page and about 16 Text Llustrations, and «s Map. 7 Vols, Ovo, Me. net FASHION IN PARIS. The various phases of feminine taste from 1797 to | eT. By Ocrave Veswws Translated by Lady Muay Lorn. With 100 Hand coloured Pates and 25 Test Illustrations 7 Prangois Cours ° i Vol, Imp. Svo, Me THE. PAuv DAYS OF | “owasnp Rostwe wits i t_ 1¥o *%. its 6 NEW NOVE.~. | THE WIDOWER. By « Noaaw. | Vol, & Price 1s. per Bottle. SCRUBB’S ‘rc AMMONIA MARVELLOUS PREPARATION. Refreshing as a Turkish Bath. Invaluable for Toilet Purposes. Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing. Allays the Irritation caused by Mosquito Bites. Invigorating in Hot Climates. Restores the Colour to Carpets. Cleans Plate and Jewellery. Of all Grocors, Chemists, Etc. | SCRUBB & CO., Guildford Street. Lambeth, 8.E. Made in 8 sizes « 10/6, 16/6, ~ 25'- ur To £18 18s. Post Pree. THE TWO MAGICS. By (Adds tmmeasu Hewar Joune. 1 Vol, t TONY DRUM, a Cockney Boy. | rably to By Bowie Poo, Author of “A Street in Buburtte celerity and With lo Full gee Tustrations in Colour from designs by the Beggarstaf ne — and « Cover Deslgn by W. NichSison. I Vo comfort in PHASES OF AN INFERIOR writing. PLANET. By Eccew Grascow THE HOUSE OF HIDDEN ‘Ofall pens TREASURE By Maawert Guar. | Vol, & London Wu. HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford St., W | most THE STANDARD, a LIFE ASSURANCE CO. an (Established 183.) Head Office: EDINBURGH. Accumulated Fund, @} Millions Stg. ALL CLASSES OF ASSURANCES | CARRIED THROUGH | ON FAVOURABLE TERMS. Branch Offices in India & the Colonies. | o COOPER” “CYCLES. | iy From 45 0s. Competition Defied. 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pee Beebe FS aie k Wall ET. SIA TBURN, ION. Ocroper 15, 1898.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 169 —_ + Jf Srewne_—_—_— - « HE DIDN’T MEAN TO LOSE THAT. ‘*MIFFINS, THE BOOK-KEEPER TELIS ME THAT YOU HAVE LOST THE Key OF THE SAFE, AND HE CANNOT GET AT THE Books.” ‘* Yes, Sir, ONE OF THEM. YOU GAVE ME TWO, YOU REMEMBER,” ‘Yes; I HAD DUPLICATES MADE IN CASE OF ACCIDENT. AND THE OTHER?” ‘Ou, Str, I TOOK CARE OF THAT. I WAS AFRAID I MIGHT LOSE ONE OF THEM, YOU KNOW.” ‘‘ AND I8 THE OTHER ALL RIGHT!” ‘Yes, Str. I PUI IT WHERE THERE WAS NO DANGER OF IT BEING Lost, IT 1s IN THE Sarre, Sir!” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tue current month’s volume of the Biographical Edition of THackeray’s works (SmirH, E.pger), being the sixth, is com of the novelist’s contributions to Punch. “Much of my f r’s best work,” Mrs. Rircure writes, in the always interesting in- troduction, “ will be associated with the name of the friendly and supernatural being, Mr. Purch.” Tuacksray’s first contribu- tion, “Mrs. Tickletoby’s Lectures on English History,” was avowedly not a success, a conclusion that does not surprise, in consideration of its somewhat elaborate and heavy fun. It did not prevent his being invited to join the staff of Punch, a step accomplished at Christmas time, 1843. Mrs. Rironre writes, he “took his seat at the Punch table as a successor to ALBERT Smitn.” That is a mistake. Apert SmirH never advanced beyond the position of an outside contributor, and never dined at the table. In the next year TuHackmeray made a distinct hit with “The Fat Contributor’s Notes of Travel.” Then came the immortal Jeames ne from “Buckley Square.” The Book of Snobs, and a series of imitations of novels by eminent hands followed in due course. By a letter written half a century ago to Mrs. Procrer a | Baronite observes that in these early days Mr. Punch and his oung Men used to dine on a Monday “at five o’clock sharp.” THackERay not only wrote but drew for Punch, his sketches being estimated to reach a ee four hundred. Through ten years he sat weekly at the Old hogany Tree, where his initials, engraved in firm hand, are to this day seen among the signatures of others who have gone, and some who have come. Life is but short. | Let them sing on When we are gone, Round the old Tree. Meanwhile, it is pleasant and entertaining to have in the com- pendious form this volume contributions of one eminent among the old boys. . If you want to go to Cuba, you had better “take your Davey, which is not a brief form of legal oath, but is meant as a piece of sound advice to those who are inte , a8 so many of us * “*T doubt it,’ said the C ter.” the way, although THackERAY ceased his regular week! entiibations to Punch, he retai his seat as one of the Staff at “ the Table,” and occasionally took part in the discussion on topics of the day.—Eb. are just now, in The Story of Cuba (Carman anp Hatt), as it is told by the descriptive writer whose surname is given above, and whose Christian name is Ricuarp. What delightful travel- ling! Jungles and virgin forests, through which you must cut a passage with a hatchet (does the artful explorer merely imply that you must “axe your way ?”), or set fire to the impenetrable tangle and issue forth in a blaze of triumph. Then when our daring “ Mas’r Davey Bo” (“for which overhaul David Copper- field, and when found, make a note of”), hot and weary, was longing for a bath in cool, pellucid lakes, he was informed by his guide that to take such a plunge would be fatal, as the bed (of river, not the traveller's) was alive with snakes big enough to take down Mr. Davey, as a succulent morsel, at one gulp. ‘fo, as the sun declined, Mr. Davey followed this brilliant luminary’s example, and also declined—to bathe. His account of the secret societies that brought about the rebellion is most interesting. Astonishing, too, is the impotence of President CLevetanp to stop the ibusters who were doing such serious injury not only to ish interests, but to all chance of peaceable government. To = we recommend Mr. Ricuarp Davey’s recently-published work. Frank Lockwoop was happy in his life. After his death, he has been fortunate in that Mr. Aveustine Brare.y undertook to write a record of his too brief career. A Biographical Sketch Mr. Brrre.t modestly, and in the main accurately, calls the work which Suir, Exper publish. It is slightly built, but per- fectly poogestianeh, based on intimate personal knowledge of the subject, with keen reciation of his ever bubbling, some- times boyish, humour. who did not know Franx Locx- woop in the flesh will here nee? geanpene of Rie Cesnster, and will, at least in part, what a delight was hia com- ip, how precious his friendship. Lord Roszszny con- tributes to the book a simple yet glowing tribute to the memory of a lost friend. Not least charming, because the most ristic, brief letters written by Looxwoop to his y daughters, with sketches illustrating passages in the quaintly-fabled lives of the wicked Moses and the guileless Auat i Mrs. Broprick’s Ananias (Meruven & Co.) is in no way related to the “ stock of Banapsas,” in which Miss Maniz Corki11 some time ago invested. Which of the two liars in this story the authoress intends for Ananias, the Baron is at a loss to deter- mine. The essential plot of the tale is neither particularly pleasant nor startlingly new, “yet ‘twill serve” any novel-de- vourer whose taste is as yet "unjaded ‘ be oad tome man i plain woman agreeing to marry only for mut uniary advantage under a will, and the man subsequently falling in love with a talented and pretty girl, are not materials so entirely fresh as they might have been. The finish is probable, but too common- place for any reader in search of a sensation. The style of the writer pleasantly imposes on the reader “ old lamps for new,” and it is not until he has gone too far not to advance to the end that the experienced r, being aggrieved, says to himself, “TI rather think I’ve Socal eonctliine ike this before.” To find an amusing story, a story that, by ite whimsicality, really makes you laugh, is so rare, nowadays, that the Baron is ay ee at having chance of recommending such an one to his friends in The Duke and the Damsel, written by Ricnarp Mars, and published by C. Antuur Pranson, Ltd. Any one reading this k on the Baron’s 1 dation, will agree with him in wishing that the wicked, vulgar old mother had been ultimately shown to be in no way related to the two charming rirls, of whom one is the heroine of the story. It may be, on the whole, a trifle too exaggerated, and the conversations undul spun out: but here comes in the fine art of the practised novel- reader who knows how to skip, and the judicious skipper will be rewarded. Tue Baron vz B.-W. THE PALL MALL PUZZLE. Srraicnt may be right: Waiont may be straight : Conversely, crooked ways are wreng. Truth will prevail. for truth is great, Let ’s hope “ we sha’n't be long.” Wricut seems in straits if Srnaront is right: The straighter writer, who shall say? — If Srraicut’s astray, ’tis Waiont who might Be righted strai way. Un Mot, 8.V.P.! Cuzr M. Poncnz,—Permettez! Comment voulez-vous qu’un Marcuann, tout seul, s’oppose & une “ Nation de Marchands! ” Allez! out & vous, Pizp ve Nez. VOL, CXV, 8

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[Ocroser 15, 1898. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL SAKES ) ANNI ss NAc ~ »F mr oe pe? P Put aw as = ae Bia /// anf : AS QN teh, a oe Bae JARO Dy) Mt | ! jl / WL “ iNT | | f COOK’S CRUSADER. Tue CHRISTIAN POWERS PUTTING PRESSURE UPON YoU, ‘* Waal! Horrm.e! I CAN'T THINK HOW PEOPLE CAN DO SUCH THINGS!” ight. Templar (the German Emperor—to SaLaptN). MY DEAR FRIEND rial K I npe

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Ocroper 15, 1898.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 PHILOSEMEIOTISISCOMISTOCRAPHISTS. “A French stamp-collector is dissatisfied at joe * — a oy Me me nm he conside' ave a called philosemeio- tisi -_. gr phiste”— Globe.) DescenpD, ye Nine! Descend and sing! Without your best assistance I can’t so much as name this thing That ’s come into existence. Descend, Urania! Descend, Melpomene and Clio! Pronounce tiais word-without-an-end, Pronourice Philosemeio— In vain! Not all your arts, ye Nine, Can work through half the letters, And I must even seek the shrine Of them that are your betters. Ye Gods! to you my prayer I raise! Put forth your best devices, And help me when I try to praise Philosemeiotisis—— What! Have not even ye availed? Then is our case digtressful, For when the very Gods have failed Who else may successful ? Ah! there is yet one hope—yes, thee, I call on thee, Mephisto Come! help me sing of Philosé- -meiotisiscomisto—— Ah! cruel, cruel! Foiled again, When I’d all but su ! Can any mortal lungs contain One half the breath that’s needed ? If Muses, Geds, and D—— too, Can get it no correcter, I think ’twould be as well, don’t you, To stick to “ Stamp-collector.” DARBY JONES ON PACING CONTRASTS AND THE CESAREWITCH. Honovurep Sir, From Leicester to Kempton is quite a Shock to the Racing System. I should imagine that no greater Contrast could exist than that between the Battlefields of Leicester and Kempton, unless it be that coparating Waterloo from Om- durman. n the Midlands it is all Business without much Pleasure; in the South it is Pleasure with Business tacked on like an Extra Lace Flounce to a Duchess’s Court Gown. Kempton is the most enjoyable of meetings, use, as my patron the Hon. Fiiriatr (about to leave Oxford College) observed on Friday, after securing a handsome Souvenir, thanks to the prescience of a Fortune- teller, who shall be as Incognito as the Heir Apparent when he travels abroad, “ At Kempton,” he said, “there’s no beastly crushing. It’s like racing in your own back garden.” And so it is. Note the Programme: “Going—Cab to Waterloo ; Train to Kempton ; Under Cover to Stand. Returning—Under Cover from Stand; Train to Waterloo; Cab Home.” What could be more perfect ? Far different is the state of things at Newmarket. Monsieur Louis pz Rover- MONT might pitch his tent in a secluded corner of the “ blasted Heath” for several weeks without being disturbed; but when the rush did come, he would probably be ridden over and pulverized by the tread of Cobs, Ponies, and other small Equine Deer; for whereas at Kempton Locomo- tien by Rail is the Great Incentive to ‘acing, at Newmarket it is perambulation on Four-] which makes Everybody move. Rut the Jockey Club Metropolis is over- Lh ted | Po ' Lady of the House (to Bore, who generally calls just as she is about to go sho ping), ‘‘ Won't YOU LET ME RING FOR A LITTLE REFRESHMENT FOR You!” Bore. “1 THrunx I'LL TAKE A LITTLE SOMETHING susT BEFORE I Go.” Lady of the House. ‘‘Ou, THEN, DO HAVE IT Now!” built. Bricks and Mortar do not create| Trusting that some Winter Provender Inhabitants, and one of these days that | may be supplied for my numerous Patrons, | Sprightly Sportsman, Sir Epwarp Lawson, | 1 remain, honoured Sir, with a particularly may, like Monsieur Lovis pk RovceMont, | siender purse, your pheasantless (despite or Robinson Crusoe, or Sir Epwarp Sra-|the season) but faithful follower, warp, find himself Monarch of all he| Darsy Jones. surveys. | Meantime, let me turn on the Pierian) “Bysr we!”—Mr. Dan Leno's, at tap, which is cheaper to you honoured Sir, |“ Ruis’s,” Maiden Lane, unveiled by Mr. than Water in the East-End, and far more | Hexwert CamPBe., Wednesday, October refreshing, I humbly trust, to your readers. |5. A great day for England! Just the Seay my men into Pegasus, I finish | pJace for it, Roxe’s well-known Oyster-shop, for the An uscovite Contest with = na where a living presentment o the widle- ~~ - — Ny ee pre epetting and original comedian will “ as- in the Far t. membering tonish the natives. struggle last year between Merman and ‘ ' Rush, I chortle with all confidence : Ven \—Js vas generiiiy seperted in the Let her go and the Party wes ae daily papers that the Kuspive of Egypt, With the Aster Girl may show the way, =| ow arriving at Constantinople, was receive: And the — be nigh on the spot ot oth lat the station, on behalf of H.M. the When the are ape See y* | Suirax, by “Bemepoiws Bey.” Absit gee ome A he eo omen! Of course, “ What's in a name?” While I cannot see what is to stop —but, for all that, not exactly pleasant Rook Monarch as first out of three! for the Kueprvs.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocroper 15, 1898, . SONGS: — Excited Scotchman (who has just hooked a fish). ‘‘I1’™ DASHED FEARED I'LL LOOSE MY Har-crown Fizz!” GULLIVER THE SECOND. Prrsonatty, I have never doubted the fact of my existence. Many persons are sceptical I cannot quote exact time and place of my birth, but I would remind these that it is not unusual to | forget the precise circumstances of one’s arrival in the world. Passionately fond ot adventure, I was a mere boy when I sailed in the schooner of —— (no good filling in the blanks, because . e onl turn up registers and pretend that su ships don’t exist), in search of Treasure Island. Having found this (I am no | scientist, and cannot fix lat. and long.), | we took on board a cargo of Bank of | ' account of its weight and bulk, and set out homeward bound. Had we been con- tent with less, we should have secured more, for we had so laden the schooner with notes, that at the very first breeze we met she ship a sea and sank like |a stone. Allh Lm py except myself. I luckily caught hold of a frightened dol- in, and although a little upset at the oss of our treasure, determined to continue | my course for London, where I knew I | should have no difficulty in starting a | syndicate to recover it. At first my progress was slow, and slightly jerky, but having caught a passing | shark, I dismissed the dolphin, and har- | nessed my new acquisition to a spar—Dum England notes, rejecting the gold on! spiro sparo!/—guiding it by means of a bit ha m which providentially I happened to in my pocket. This paar in speed, and now | made, as I twenty-five to thirty knots an sighted a white line which I took cliffs of Dover. f Fas rec! bour. to be t I soon discovered mistake, for on going up to what I fanci was the Customs House, in place of customary savage official, I was by a courtly cannibal, who i the most gentlemanly manner his desire to kill and eat me. But no one need come to teh: wide world over. Placing my right thumb to the point of my nose, I extended the fingers straight out towards the cannibal. The effect was instantaneous. As soon as he had mastered his i he hurried me off to be introduced to hi relatives, who, on learning that I had the sign of their tribe, the Guttar- ted me with effusive affection. a thousand questions in their guttural tongue, for which I had ready answers. The Guttarbhoys listened with wonder and awed delight. (Savages are so much more reasonable than civilised men; they do not expect you to prove the truth of every word you utter, nor do the set able Editors upon you to try and cate you tripping.) I was their hero, and they could not do enough for me. The Elders of the tribe brought such of their wives as they most honoured, and insisted on my accepting the female crowd as a present. Now the wives taey most honour are those who will never see fifty again. There were more than a hundred of them. If I did not accept, it would have been considered - —, ~_ I should rs roasted whole. 0 accepted, esca. roasting, and in the ¢--k night, I fled, swimming in the direction of Greenwich.* * * Safe!! istinguished traveller who has written the ain ean article, wishes it to be dis- tinctly understood that, as far as his memory serves him, he has never once during his wanderings had the good luck to meet M. pez Rovermont. No doubt it is a , one of these days,”’ ad P t, “he and I might be in the very same jungle without knowing it!” bhoys, They “ Lay thy sweet hand in mine, and trust in me.” Tennyson.

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SSB AGA Sma s Hl ~_— _. 2 * @ocen ua” ? eee: KMeaad OS® Oe Ow BO eo Me tf Ns “°°? Ocroser 15, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173 ECHOES FROM PARIS. Tue same (more or less) trusted correspondent who wrote in our columns last week upon the Chinese situation—dating his communication from Colney Hatch—has sent us the following. We endeavoured to read it in the ordi manner, first; then sideways, and finally, upside down. All, however, in vain, and we submit it (with great misgivings) to the public, in the fervent hope that what appears dark to us, may—or may not—seem sense to them. He writes thus :— “From diligent enquiries made on the spot, it seems that in regard to the present great mysteries of Paris (no connection with Evcseng Suz), M. Drumont, after calling for a petit bleu and a small soda, commenced his attack on Dreyrrvus in the Libre Parole. The attack was hazy—almost Esternazy—but still, clear enough to denote that the Jews were the objects aimed at. Being re-jews—beg pardon, reduced to this expedient, the Minis- ter of War conus with the Bordereau (don’t quite know what a Bordereau is, but should fancy it is a sort of law officer of the Republic), and came to the conclusion that a revision was in- evitable. Public opinion, in the name of France, it— “ask for it and see you get it,” as the posters say—Colonel Paté de Foies-Gras will now be tried by the Court of Cassation for complicity in—— Oh, very well, then, I’ll come quietly, if it’s exercise time in the back-yard. Sorry, dear Editor, to break off so abruptly, but these big, rough attendants worry one so, and they will not be denied. Only yesterday I heard one of them saying to another that “He” (meaning me) “is not likely to be violent, but is certainly a bit balmy about the crumpet.” Now, Sir, I ask you, what did those mystic words mean ? Tout & vous sous la Lune, P.S.—Most curious thing. I have forgotten my own name. Must ask my keeper what it is before I can sign this. WAITING. Warrter, who serenely waitest With a napkin in thy hand, While my ’bus (and ’tis the latest) Rumbles nearer down the Strand ; Tell me, waiter, does it never Strike thy transcendental brow, *Buses will not wait forever Quite as patiently as thou? Dost thou think thine Art the greatest That thou’dst teach it to a few ? I wait, waiter, whilst thou waitest, And my chop is waiting, too. All things wait except my “ Putney ”— There! it’s past—I saw it then! And as yet I’ve naught but Chutney, And a little red Cayenne. I’ve a picture, wrought in copper, Of “ Victoria D. G.,” And, when thou shouldst bring my topper, I had destined it for thee. But—my wrath grows great and greater, Thinking of the walk from town— Now thou ‘It wait till Doomsday, waiter, Ere thou get my dusty brown. “Bur me no Burts.”—Wednesday, October 5. Leeds. Sir Artuvr lifts his béton. Strike up! Elijah is about to begin. The first violinist looks up beseechingly. Sir ArTuur pauses, baton raised. “ But,” whispers to him the violinist in a tremolo voice. Sir ArrHur cuts him short. “There is no Burt,” says he, sternly, and whack goes the stick. Then, subsequently Miss Ciara Burr wrote to the Daily Telegraph, and explaine how it was that, though always perfectly in tune, on this occa- sion only she, quite unconsciously, did not keep time. Tue City or Rome.—In the Times report of the doings of the Court of Common Council, we read :—“ Replying to Mr. Rome, who asked what steps were to be taken to abate the smoke nuisance in the City, Mr. Deputy Wurrte said,” &c. Well, it doesn’t matter what Deputy Waite said; that’s not the point. But how comes it that there can be any discussion after Ro spoken? “Roma locuta: causa finita”: Mr. Rome ha spoken, and theres an end. In future, let us hope that Rome will simply deliver himself oracularly, and so act up to his ancient and glorious name. ld ii? NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND(?) ‘‘Wuicn DEPARTMENT, PLEASE, Mapam?” ** Consars,.” “OH! WOULD I WERE A BIRD!”—Old Song. Some most interesting information by Mr. Waiter Rorn- SCHILD, well known as a skilled naturalist and collector of rarest one, written in a delightfully natural style, is given in the Nineteenth Century for this month. He entitles it, ‘“ Rough Notes on the Birds of the Bass Rock and Neighbouring Shores.” The notes, however, are not at all on the birds, for he handles his feathered friends as Izaak Watton recommends his upils to handle the gentles, “as tho’ he loved them”; and he oes. The name of “ Bass Rock” sounds most refreshing. From its position, it would of course be a Draughty Bass Rock, not Bottled. What a chance for the sea birds ! Here the Solan Goose plays his Bass solo; and a wise or Solon Goose he is, mak- ing the Bass Rock his Philosopher’s Stone. Here the Gannets lay a solitary oem; sporting birds they are, evidently, laying one to two on The But, 4 propos of “The Rock,” perhaps at some future time Mr. Water Roruscarp will tell us something about that Gigantic Roc that flew away with Sinbad the Sailor and kindly dropped him en route. A delightful place of resort is this Bass Rock! Here there are pretty little Ducks—bless ’em —and, of course, plenty of geese. In the evening, without any dancing or spirit license, they enjoy the music of the Sand-piper and the dainty entertainment provided (very occasionally) by the Humming-bird, while the red-throated Diver, coming up as fresh as a Lark, sings, “How happy could I be with cider!” Verily ’tis a Birds’ Paradise. Apvice.—M,. Unumirep Lov-is pz Rovermont, after reading his Daily Chronicle of Friday, October 7, will apply to himself the somewhat cold comfort suggested by his own name, i.¢., “‘ Grin’ and bear it.” He could bring out his lectures under the title of “Grin’s Goblins, and other Fairy Tales.” “A Hanp to Mourn Existence.”—The dentist’s. Only it’s his own band and somebody else’s mouth. SE a

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174 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocropga 15, 1898, And who revives the ancient gang Headed by hoary Li Hune Cuane While my reformers go and d hang? My Aunt! Who talks of stepping in to use My rather dainty pair of shoes, And never once consults my views? My Aunt! Who tells the journals every day That I shall shortly pass away, Having the seeds of sure decay ? My Aunt! Who says that if I die or not It won’t affect the case a jot, Since anyhow she’s on the spot ? My Aunt! Who sends to summon ventre 4 terre Each native doctor from his lair, A class of men I cannot bear? My Aunt! Who hints that in my shocking pride I will not let them touch my hide, But mean to do a suicide ? My Aunt! Whom is it needless to remind That I am not that way inclined, And shall do nothing of the kind ? My Aunt! Ah! gallant Colonel Picevart, you Are in a tightish corner too! But mine is worse: you nerer knew My Aunt! ‘*There is much Virchow in ‘ if.’” Dear Proressor Puncu,—Do you happen to know whether your confrére Professor Vircnow is a pessimist? Why do I ask: Because I am informed that in his recent Huxleian lecture he told his audience that “ Life is a sell.” Sad, very! Yours, Niiuiz. D’Esperanpreo. P.S.—No matter. Virchow is his own reward. TO A SCION OF THE “SWISS FAMILY R.”-OUGEMONT. From month to month the tale unfurled Of marvels in the wide, wide world Your mysteries unravels : Of cruises in the Southern Seas, Grim feasts in the Antipodes, Strange sojournings and travels. — : : noes Sot ~ = : ba ies the eee dant * J ee 4 (At least you guide your m aright) Sons. Yur _— ~—= After the quarry hurtle ; Mother. ‘‘ Boppy, it's VERY NAUGHTY OF YoU TO GO OFF BIRDSs’-NESTING WITHOUT We see your dusky southern bride, - ° ” We watch you as you sit astride TELLING mE. I'M QUITE SURPRISED AT You! ‘ Bobby (ingenuously). ‘‘ Yes, Mornuzr I’M REALLY QUITE SURPRISED AT MysEeLr!” The fiery untamed turtle. —— Across the setting sun in herds Who ran to smack me when I fell, The wombats flit—unlikely birds !— THE SON OF HEAVEN DISCUSSES And wished the Son of Heaven in H-ll, Before the “ Second Crusoe ” HIS AUNT. Till I was really quite unwell ? Zot see wa eae to an ‘The Emperor of Curna’s proposed reforms | My Aunt! SS ey, Seren Were ats By, included the Gasedes stion of Christianity and the Who was it. when I urged reform When pigs, you know, might do so? -_ mas ore of riot.” Came at me like a thunderstorm, With wondrous tales already known Laren. | And made the place extremely warm ? The sceptic then compares your own, *Bixty foreign devils, consisting of thirty Bri- My Aunt! As out he seeks to bow! them ; ‘ tish Marines and thirty Russian Cossac ks, have . He sneers at each discrepancy, arrived at Peking.” Who, when I ventured to embrace While if the incidents agree ag peace reigns in the capital.” The oa of Christian grace, He holds that proves you stole them. he Emperor’s death would not in any w Just flung Conrucrus in my face — ‘ , aff. ct the polltie eal situation.” — Daily Press.) = ~- My Aunt! Careless if aimed with truth or guile, At shift and shaft alike we smile— Wao took me from my little throne, And when I feebly dared to state (Sure never long-bow shot pon Trotting me off to gaol alone | That piggy-tails were out of date, While we at least this moral With language very rude in tone? Who +. & scal her nephew’s pate ? Though possibly your name is Green,” pa My Aunt! My Aunt! Yet you yourself are not so.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrongr 15, 1898.

y WY ~~ = . ‘ mn fo 4% BRATGGK BAY Wg SE ff, d DA tie Kena MOM yg NO AN ‘ IVS PROPER, | " él e i} i i} i \ > ? PA te \\ iM i Wi - ti i 4 | \t\ i ) \ asa =) ir jh) . Na \ \ = =+- Mh \ \ | \ Wi} \ " NAAN. MAA) A tifa Wels MIN \\l = Ai . NY SS \ 4 4 Ww 2 2\% B1Y// / A oe <A | _ by. SOLD! Oom Paut (déegusted). *‘ WHY, I CAN'T GET TO THE SEA AT ALL!” |

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Ocroper 15, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LO He ALLArO 98 WW) 1 | WW y]} MW, // | | j Hh uli Cycle Millionaire (acquiring accomplishments). ‘‘H1! Sror nim! Stor nim! I've Loar THAT CONFOUNDED LEFT PEDAL AGAIN!” PUT TO THE TEST. Ix consequence of the many cycle acci- dents that have occurred of late in Lon- don, it has been suggested that the autho- rities should adopt the German system of permitting those cyclists only to ride who can pass a satisfactory ination. Although the decision has not yet been made public, it has been already settled that such an examination shall be insti- tuted. Part of it will be practical, and every rider, to gain his certificate of pro- ficiency, will have to give an exhibition of his skill in Battersea Park. In addition to this, he will have to satisfy the examiners by written answers to a paper of questions. Mr. Punch has managed to secure an ad- vance-copy of the first examination-paper, with which every cyclist will shortly be confronted. It reads as follows :— 1. Conjugate the verb “‘ to sideslip.” If a rider A, on a bicycle B, meets two paral- | © lel tram-lines CD on a muddy day, vi that the meeting of AB and CD vil pe e bably result in the equation: AB = A —® 2. “Force is indestructible” (Joviz's law). Does this hold good in the case of the Police Force ‘an. a cycle A — with a policeman at any given point, calculate the amount of Geaseated by the violent impact of Aon PC. According to your experience, does PC + LSD = PO’? 8. Solve the following problem. In a narrow street, a large waggon is travelling at the rate — mile an hour. — ~ waggon, a cyclist is travelling ra atu 8 = hour. Behind the cyclist, a pass should the cyclist do? Show that if he is killed his death is entirely due to his “ furious riding.” 4. Translate into English, where possible, and give suitable answers to the following marks : — (a) “Take yer bloomin’ pram. out of SU er ah at hat (b) “ Why donjer ring yer (c) “Stop that blessed alarum!” (d) “ er up there, stoopid!” NDON CHARIVARI. 177 (e) “ Who’re yer talkin’ to man if I likes to stand in the mi of the road what business is it of yourn would dratted impere When all the above sentences are being addressed simultaneously to a cyclist, what should he reply ? 5. Give the derivation of the verb “to scorch.” What pace per hour, in your opinion, constitutes “scorching”? Prove by example that the mean velocity of any given cyclist varies directly with the im- agination of the nearest policeman. 6. t on this recently-discovered fragment from the works of Socrates : — . .» » “ Wherefore of all accusations, oh judges, this is surely the most unreason- able. For my proarese indeed was not due to any strength of horses, but to severe labour with my feet, the pedals also revolv- ing by the same means. Therefore I, journeying by means of my feet, am wholly iltless of wrongdoing in that IT rode along the footpath, the name itself showing that it was designed for this very end. Yet, by Zeus, these my accusers would exact from me forty drachmai and costs, alleging some byelaw as their plea. But they who i byelaws, it seems, contribute to the public revenue, than which no act more clearly marks the good citizen. Hence it is evident that he who breaks most byelaws is the best citizen, and yet is he dragged before you, ye judges, ar a wrongdoer, rather , as is fitting, ac- corded public honour. Next, as touching the watercart” ..... Nor exactty a Tamataicar Manacrn’s Guipine Morto.—* Piece at any price.” History Repeats Irsety.—“ The Guards at Waterloo” (Station). NOTHING LIKE LEATHER. If the Battle of Waterloo was won at Eton, the Battle of Omdurman was won at the bootmakers’ | (“ Many of the Grenadiers spoke in the heartiest terms of the way in which their boots had worn. S op ones Gen ote on Se See feature of the cam , the answer was ‘ 4 —Pall Mali G , October 6.)

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[Octopgr 15, 1898, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 178 “‘pozevy 41 Opry emneverd Wy oy} Jo Aj12wY0 oy} Uo porjor Aoyy, *o20q) Suy}}08 UT Ajrowus pue popioge ynq ‘fof yuspsues, v sem 4 “spusLy JOT) YA FuTworunww0o Jo suvow oy} pus ‘Zury}O]O puw pooy 10J equ} 4040 poyvo3 Loy} eso oy} punoid oy) ofqvuezun eivw ey} { Aj10doad 8,0|doed 2eyj0 uo Zuyjjenbs pus uz Zuideeso Jo * T] SNosolpny ysow & py om sep o804} UT ,, OGL} ,, OLIZWOOOG UW FRA OMT, “VGOHSV4 SINOLSIH3SYd I Ny We

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Ocroper 15 1898 } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 179 First Bluejacket. ‘‘ Wet, Matey, wort ’APpPENED!"’ : _ Second Bluejacket. ‘‘LEvTENANT, ’Z KEPORTS a8 ‘OW I WERE DIRTY, AN’ MY 'AMMIOK WEREN'T CLEAN, AN’ CAPTIN, ' 88, Wasi ‘Is BLOOMIN’ NECK, SCRUB 'I8 BLOOMIN’ Face, AN’ CUT 'Is BLOOMIN’ 'arR, EVERY Ten MINNITs!’” pS i de BLOSSOMS AT THE ST. JAMES’S. Way aren’t Mr. and Mrs. Kenpat “always with us” when they have such a piece as The Elder Miss Blossom, by Messrs. Henpriz and Woop, to fill the St. James’s, nightly, and to make their audiences smile, laugh heartily, struggle hysterically with tears, and, in a general way, thoroughly enjoy them- selves? Granting the play’s rather improbable premises, the plot is cleverly managed, and the embroglio is that of genuine comedy. The only fault in the writing is that the “ asides” are too pronounced in the stagey old-fashioned way, and | are inartistically introduced. They might have been entirel avoided, and the piece would have been dramatically im paved. Occasionally the diction in Mr. Kenpau’s part is too high falutin’, and not at all the sort of thing that Mr. Andrew Quick, F.S.A., the rough-and-ready traveller, modest and eccentric, would have said. Such defects as these above-mentioned are but slight, and do not in the least affect the acting, which is admirable throughout. It is a real treat to see Mrs. Sonpas. as Dorothy Blossom, and not only a treat, but a study to all who love the histrionic art at its very best in comedy. It is thoroughly natural, never in any one instance overdone. Her reading of the somewhat questionable paragraph in the newspaper is a triumph, as also is her breaking down utterly as the curtain falls on the sorrow of poor Miss Dorothy at the end of the second act. Mr. Kenpat is the character to the life: wide-awake to the humour of the situations, and thoroughly in earnest. Mr. CHARLES Groves, too, is admirable; with him, ars est celare artem, and for the moment you cannot conceive of him as being at any time anybody else than “ Christopher Blossom, a country gentleman,” in whose individuality, that of Mr. Cuantes Groves, the come- dian, is completely merged. Mr. Percy Ames, as the stuttering valet, has a most difficult part, and acquits himself to perfection. In a melodrama, any one would have suspected him of murder, and so no wonder the servants sre all afraid of him, and that the cook imprisons him in an outhouse. Miss Neiiiz CaMPBELt enters thoroughly into the pathos and humour of ia Blossom ; and Mr. Rupes Harpine is a typical young golf-playing rector or curate, with ho very strong views as to celibacy of the clergy. Altogether a success well-merited alike by authors and actors. MR. PUNCH’S DREYFUS DICTIONARY. Drervsz, To (verb active), i.c., the verb to refuse, with the in- tensive prefix D—, equivalent to refusing strenuously, more particularly of refusing justice to any one or refusing to re- open a case. Sometimes spelt dreyfuse. Du-PATY-DE-CLAMBER, TO (verb neuter), an intensive form of the verb to clamber, usually, in a contemptuous sense, equivalent to clambering into any office or position by objectionable prac- tices. Hence a du-paty-de-climber is equivalent to one who ae in this manner. The verb du-paty-de-climb is olso found. : Esrernazy (adjective), a superlative of hazy, i.c., dark, dubious, and disreputable. The degrees of comgarinns are hazy, more hazy, esterhazy. This superlative p will be found very useful when joined to other adjectives. Thus an “ esterhorsey ” man is equivalent to a man very much devoted to horses or, in a bad sense, a shady frequenter of race-courses, a welsher. It is sometimes prefixed to substantives. Thus an estersleeper is a very sound sleeper, a sluggard. Juorr (from the French), to juggle. Hence chose jugée, equiva- lent to an affair in which some juggling has taken place. Picquart (adjective), a stronger form of the older word piquant. Thus, when an incident, for example, in a court of justice, is more than usually startling or sensational it is said to be picquart. : Picevart, To (verb active), to imprison without form of trial. To pique a man is to cause him annoyance. To picquart: him is to continue to annoy him long after he has been provdd to be in the right. rd rial ScHWARTZKOPPEN, an irregular past participle passive in -en (cf. broken, taken), from the obsolete verb schwartzkop. To cop (or kop) is to catch, and a copper (or kopper), vulgarly, means a policeman. Hence, to schwartzkop is to detect or expose and when a story is s n to be false and ridiculous, it is said to be schwartzkoppen. The word is of German origin. Waar game is the Duc d’Onteans playing? Is he going Nap?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroner 15, 1898. Ir 18 Popason’s OPINION THAT, IF YOU WANT TO BE FIT BY NovVEMBER, THERE 'S NOTHING LIKE DOING A BIT OF OcTroBER CUB- HUNTING ON Foor, You CAN TAKE THE YOUNGSTERS WITH YOU TOO, TRIALS OF A BLOODHOUND. WakENED unconscionably early and dragged out of warm bed into raw, foggy morning. Kennel-Boy unusually energetic ; brushes me till the sparks fly. Growl remonstrance, whereupon 4 cracks me on the nose. Painful, very. Wonder how he’d like it, Off to station. Kennel-Boy goes into refreshment-room. Don’t offer me anything though. Lots of sporting gents at bar, and general odour of whisky. Notice Nervous Old Gentleman drink- ing rum and milk. “ Nothing like it for keeping the cold out. He takes a purely scientific interest in the development of the olfactory powers of the Suddenly catches sight of me, turns pale and drops tumbler. Am hurried off by K.-B. and shoved _ dog-box—dark, dirty hole, not fit to put K.-B. in, let alone a dog. Yorkshire moor. Great crowd of sportsmen, and smell of whisky stronger than ever. Evidently something up. Wonder what? Other dogs about ; decent chaps, seemingly, but oppor- tunities of smelling very limited. Just getting into conversation with a fellow when I am led out before crowd. Crowd stare and look at me through field-glasses. Embarrassing, very. Don’t know what to do, so wag tail amiably and try not to look foolish. K.-B. holds out something. Hope it’s eatable, but no, disap- pointed; only an old rag. Smell it. Crowd watch intently. Seems the right thing to do, so smell it again. Don’t smell very nice, but try to look as if I appreciate it. Among other odours, seem to detect faint smell of rum. Crowd growing impatient. Tired of watching me smell rag; must think of something else to amuse them. Sniff about for rummy smells, but am so much whisky can’t find it. Get on trail, at last. Crowd r—evi- dently pleased. Bark, to encourage them; crowd cheer in and back me (freely. Scent grows stronger. ush on, barking and smelling. Exhausting, very—have you ever tried it ?—but clearly correct thing todo. Suddenly hear shouts of laughter from crowd. Look up and find Nervous Old Gentle- man just ahead of me, running for all he is worth. Deli to see him; looks nice, harmless old chap, so run | up to him, wagging tail hard. N. O. G. terrified. Try to re- | assure him; jump up and put paws on his shoulders. N. O. G. | collapses. Must be ill, or is it the rum?’ Lick his face. He |shrieks “Help! Murder!” and continues kicking till K.-B. | comes up and hauls me off. | Tremendous _ Am led back in triumph, veritably, the “cynosure of every eye.” Judges award me first prize for | something or cther. onder why ? TO BRIGHTON IN AN HOUR. Sirx,—It is prodigious! In my time, Mr. Punch, four hours |}even for the fastest chaise would have been monstrous quick. My barouche never did it in less. And now these railways of yours carry down the Londoners in a quarter of the time. Gad, | Sir, it would have taken my breath away! | Steine I go up to Brighton sometimes from here (I date from the Elysian Fields), and float about for a time over the and the King’s here are some mon- strous fine women there still, take my word for it, but none of them like Firzuersert. You never saw her, more’s the pity. What d’ye think they’ve done with her house and the next one? They ’ve turned one into a “ Young Men’s Christian Association,” and the other into a School Board Office. Gad, Sir, what d’ye think of that? And they ’ve made my Pavilion a —¥ for concerts, and there’s never a prize-fight in the town. ut the whole country’s going to the ‘ used to think a min who drank claret was a poor, effeminate creature, but he was a downright, good, three-bottle man compared to your tee- totulers, your three-teapot men, or whatever you call ’em. ut Brighton is not what it was. It has grown monstrous large. In my time the sky was always clear, and now there’s a devilish quantity of smoke. But the people seem to like that for the worst smoke of all—with the most devilish fumes a smells—comes day and night from some chimneys belonging to the Town Council. One of them is where they make that new- fangled electric light. Light, by George! ry, the smoke makes the town as murky and gloomy as Hades. Fact, Sir! However, you all like coal-smoke now, even in London, for you do nothing to diminish it. When you go travelling you ve a puffing, smoking machine in front of you, and you seem to prefer it to four good horses in a barouche, which was vastly agreeable, I assure you. This brings me back to what I started with. I went to Brighton by the first railway train which travelled there in an hour. Gad, Sir, we went like the deuce! pas nothing, for of course no one saw me. Even your Psychical Society would not have noticed me, but then they are the last people in the world to see any of us, when we come back again. So I tried those coaches called Pullman, which come from the old American Colonies. Gad, Sir, it’s a pity my father was so injudicious with the colonists! He absolutely would not make those what d’ye call "em concessions—those “ graceful concessions ”’—even to our own people. Damme, Sir, now you do nothing but make “ ful concessions” to foreigners, and to anti-vaccination fools and other fools at home! You'll all be sorry for it some day. Gad, Sir, it will cost you more than I did, and my debts were certainly large, devilish large ! But you don’t make other things graceful now. With all your cleverness you have made no new street as good as my Regent Street. As for Brighton, they have put up some statues near my Pavilion, which, if you should see them, would make you hurry to the railway station and come home in an hour, or faster if it were possible. Damme, Sir, with their statues and their smoke, they will be the ruin of Brighton! Geores, R. P.S.—I still use my old signature, though it is now inaccurate. A Mustcat Nore.—We regret to hear that Mr. Epwarp Luoyp, the distinguished tenor, is about to retire. Why? “ Lioyp’s weakly ” cannot be the reason, as he is a tenore robus- tissimo, and going strong on his farewell tour de force. Per- haps he will take another tour, and “turn again,” like Warrtine- Ton, in order to give that tone to musical society which will be lost when he no longer adorns it. We may yet hope to hear that when our excellent tenor talked about permanently retiring he was not sticking to the exact truth, but that “he Luorp to us.” Epwarp Luioyp has always been a retiring tenor, never over-puffed and over-advertised. So why not remain with us and be, as heretofore, invariably “ retiring ” ? Morat Teacnutnc or Tae Dinner civen To Prorrssor Vincnow.—“ Be Virchowous and you'll be happy.”

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Wholesale Onno ANE, cr hi. & Co., London, W Gorp X SILVER, ) neil cases esrorcronm om with baxes of leads bearing the registered Trademark RICHMOND CAVENDISH S. Mordan: xCo AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL. can be obtained i irom all sak osetia tr tikiiiahies tobacconists at home and abroad.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —OcTOBER 15, 1898. The London Medical R-cord —e The British Medical Jowrnal says: Ketained when ali othe ‘ Bengers Food’ has by its! Foods are rejecteu. it is in- excellence established a reputa- valaab| tion of its own.” FOOD ror 5 INVALIDS ano INFANTS ‘WF .. Seta nscn — __THE AGED CADBURY’s Cocoa Absolutely Pure, Therefore The Lanoet says— ‘ CADBURY 's represents the ‘ ey standard of highest purity.” ~ yy Cc The Analyst says— = Sf ‘Cocoa of Bagish Maniac, “Che standard of highest ture ” it is “ A Perfect Food.” Purity. THE LANCET. ty, Therefore Best. nay Py NO ALKALI USED TO DARKEN SS a %e THE COLOUR. + 33 = Pure CA D B U RY’s ei P a Cocoa The best Beverage for Breakfast, Supper, and all times. Absoy /] NO DRUGS USED tey CADBURY Ss to produce an unnatural stimulant and consequent 33 Cocoa INSOMNIA. The Medioal Magazine says— “CADBURY's Sout q a Cocoa of the day. = Strength, for Purity, for Nourishment, there is nothing superior to be ati Cc. Srandauer PE a Se FORGING AHEAD! | iar-Poi P bad Circular mec ens. wae qe anton . Burnett Jtoyal ‘ Jp Perges The * " SUEETON: PERMANENT For LADIES, CHILDREN, .xv GENTLEMEN), Smoothly as & | pure w :— suit all all Clima: at all Seasons; and SEVEN PRIZE | MEDALS. Th ese Renes of Pens Write as DYE Lead Pencil. Neither vast variety «* shades and es in very ft, comprising - | Serateh nor Spurt, the | weavings rs dis Tailor Skirts from Oe. « Jentiones s Suite, &c., points being rounded by 8 | $n and Pe ists Pot Pee, “aay iength Sle Carage Fal | Sample hoe fort stomps from the | ist or Foregs Pure. Kindly mention nis per Moageee | SCOTLAND’S BEST. | Works, BIRMINGHAM. | EGERTON BURNETT, Lrp., Welinccc'somernectse | Sold Everywhere. AS SUPPLIED TO THE HOUSE OF COMMONS ay la In Splits, Pints, & Quarts. AND LEADING CLUBS. paornirrons | SUPERIOR TO AN “St. Ronan's Wells” | CHEAPER THAN & Mineral Water ANY OF THE oe Lid., u FOREICN , THE SCOTTISH ae NATURAL MINERAL TABLE WATER. % "Sur, ravewer MINERAL WATERS. Printed Dy William Stuart Smith, of No. 9, Loraine Road, Holloway. in Parish of St. , Islington, in the of Middlesex, Printine Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Limited, Lombard Street, m the Precinct of Whitetriars, in the Clay of Londia, and pustteed Up tit at Mu. 6h, Plevt Street, in the Parish of OC Bride, City of London. Seveuasny October 10, Yuen