Punch 1898-09-10: Vol 115 Iss 2983

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— “Every reader will confess that he has rarely been so interested as in this absorbing picture of bis own times and the great men who have played such prominent parts therein.''—Literature. “ The Cartoons, as in a mirror, reflect the mood of the nation at the moment, and their value is incontestable.""—Standard. with Cartoons and Sketches from “ — Numbers 1, 2,& 3, of the New of The Political Life of The Rt. Hon. W. STONE, A History, Jiustrated

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Sepremsber 10, 1898.

BEDFORD Ploughs, Harrows, Cultivators, Haymakers, Horse Rakes. Trussers, Mowers, Ha Oll Engines, & Light ilways. SKEEVIT

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A pleasantly perfumed preparation which absolutely prevents the bites of Mosquitos Harvest Insects, Ticks, and other venomous pests It also cores prickly heat. In glass bottles suitable for pocket, at 1/-

and in 2 ez. stoppered bottles at 2/- and 5 oz. on ov \O BAGGY x,y KNg Of all Chemists & Stores or post free <j &&, et H. C. Srepmenws, Aldersgate Street, \ Ss wom \, (Manufacturers of Stephens Inks.) The ONLY Beparate Stretcher Stretchers are s| whereby the recommended | tension is ob for each pair of tained b y Trousers in means of Use. Screwed Rod. OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT STATEMENT—

Bold « coprwten, w sent on receiptof P.O. Rronze polished Army qualit a yd in OteBritain Wherever the only) ; for colonies and ven arcel post rate tor 4 Ibs., to P. Dept., . Ph iti Lane, ©.C GOLDEN HAIR ROBARE’S AUREOLINE. PASTEUR (Chamberland) FILTER has been introduced “ TYPHOID FEVER HAS DISAPPEARED.”

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| Sea Baths at Home. SEA Bracing and Refreshing. SALT. £10 10° .re ren, sales Tilbury (for Londo: mouth, p BR for ‘or Killarney, | Dublin, Portrush for Giant's Causeway, along the i} me is a to Aberdeen, Leith for Edinburgh, cong h to 15th or 20th. LISBON, TANGIER, i4 oy | ofmmaLtak. Bore 8, AJACCIO, MAR | SEILLES. September 27th. 2% ts PALESTINE, EG ATHENS CRUISE. Extended Cruises, including Constantino ple, &c.; also Mile Tx yur to Luxor On the 8.Y. “ Argonaut,” organised by Dr. LUNN and Mr. PE ROW NE. This magnificent ocean steam yacht, to mnage 3,2é, horse- power 4,000, is fitted with 1 modern comforts, electric light, excellent cuisine Full details from the fear, 5, Endsleigh Gardens, Euston, London, N.W. ‘Orient Company's Pleasure Cruise by their | Steamshi Lusitania,” 098s Sone tains to the MEDITE RRANEAN and ‘he B Black SEA, leaving London visiting TANGIER, VILLE NC mae fe Nice,&c.), PALERMO,CONSTANTINOPLE, SEBASTOPOL, BALAKLAVA, YALTA for Livadia), BATOUM for Tiflis), PIRAUS for Athens), CANEA (Crete), MALTA, ALGIERS, GIBRALTAR, —s at Ply- mouth 7th Nov., and London 8th Nov. rs leaving London on 29th = land travelling overland can overtake | steamer at Villefranche. String band, electric light, high-class cuisine. Managers, F. Green & Co., Anderson, Ander- son & oe “Head Office: Fenchurch Avenue. For passage apply to the latter firm at 5, Fen- church Avenue, London, E.C., or to the West End Branch Office, 16, ( ‘ockspur Street, 8. W. ()RIENTAL CARPETS. ()RIENTAL CARPETS. 0 RIENTAL CARPETS. TRELOAR’S LISTS OF SPECIAL SHIPMENTS. TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Catalogue.

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anting LUNN 1 steam “d with “uisine dsleigh rise ister, ACK Supremper 10, 1898.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109 ~ 4 ‘ Wp fy | AM mo / THE SKETCHING-CLUB SEASON, Mr. WENLEY DABBLES RESOLVES TO WRITE TO THE PAPERS RE- GARDING AN ABNORMAL GROWTH OF FUNGI WHICH HAS SPRUNG UP ON THE DOWNS WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF HIS HomE IN WoLp- BOROUGH, SussEx. ALLER ET RETOUR. From the Kent coast to Ostend. Better is it by far to de- scend on foreign coasts, making flying visits, aller et retour, than to take a long tour abroad. To Boulogne at one time, next, to Flushing, and round about, and on a third occa- sion, to Oste and Bruges. You start with a bag, artfully packed, that will serve you for three days at least portable, so that you can carry it in your hand, and thus, if necessary, be independent of porters and commissionaires. No matter what season of the year it may be, go on board early, and with admirable forethought, secure the akadiost and best pro- tected spot on deck for your seat. Next, descend at once, see the chief steward, secure your table, and order your lunch. Should any one of your genial party feel in the least undecided as to his, or her, —— qualifications, take care that the festive board be pre ag uarter of an hour before the start at 12.20, or thereabouts, on the return passage (from Ostend to Dover at 11 a.m.), let your hour of déjeuner be 11.45 at latest. Fortified by a good meal, and with the tide and wind in your favour, the average traveller ought to enjoy the trip immensely. Cuisine and service excellent on these Bel i ts; good Niersteiner, coffee excellent, and price generally average. These details may be of considerable use to the considerable minority able to enjoy a sea voyage. In and out of season we have “done” Ostend, and in the season, Ostend would be delighted to “do” us, were we not wary old birds of passage, not to be lured by the hotel-keeper’s and shop-keeper’s bait, charm they never so wisely. Ostend, in full pow, Se its season, is a mixture of Brighton, East- bourne, and Dieppe, but as freshening and as hot, too, as Mar- gate. Along Ge digue, most of the hotels are magnificent, and the private houses (taken for the season) are so built as to suggest that the ground-floor, several steps above the street level, with alcove and dr peries, is a sort of little stage with the scene set, showing an “interior luxuriously furnished, with opening at back leading into another interior,” as theatrical directions would express it. In some houses this arrangement suggests the idea of a gorgeous Punch and Judy show, especially as only the upper half of the people appearing on the balcony, leaning over and talking to friends in the street, is visible ; Bunch, with squeak and cudgel, is wanted, and, to complete the resemblance, there should be the other puppets, who could be knocked on the head one after the other on to the ledge in front. For our part, we put up at a comfortable and reasonable hotel (such hostelries are to be found), not ten minutes from the digue, presided over by a most polite manager, got-up somewhat after the style of a ring-master in Franoont’s circus. style in which, du the table d’héte dinner, he clapped his hands as a signal to @ small ment of waiters, every one of these with a dish in his hand, and all rushing into the room, in a line, at the rate of ten miles an hour, was a thing to be seen and never to be ese Net fier ah te Tri een te =o a regular Gran izier e Ara _w ‘clap his hands, and a thousand ebon slaves a the summons.” Advice to the Town Council.—Have the carillon tuned, and put in a few fresh airs. The Grande Duchesse is played out. As there is a steam-tram through the streets, which takes you to ae, and other trams as well, bell-ringing, trumpets, and shrill whistles, are not absolutely unknown to nd. The digue, however, is free from trams, which, in their place, and at their places, are most convenient. From Ostend, in twenty-five minutes you are in Bruges, and, being there, you will find that a single visit only whets the appe- tite for seeing all that Bruges has to show. Spend most of your day here, and, in the evening, return to Ostend for the concert and the amusements, including the somewhat monotonous game of barraque, played in the public rooms. The any res ble visitor can vary the entertainments by getting, a friend on the premises to vouch for his immaculate position in Society, and then and there to write his name down; thus the entrée to the Cercle is obtained, where, at trente et quarante and baccarat, the visitor in quest of excitement can pass the happy hours away. _ Then the bicycles and the costumes! e Belgian bicyclist is a beautiful sight, and the bicycliste is dazzling! No “ scorchers” here, but flashes of lightning, radiations from the rainbow sitting well, and working as if there were nothing half so sweet in life as its wheel. A compatriot bicyclist, who had done himself many good turns in various lands, informed me that the Belgian Government had framed regulations for bicyclists, which at first sight appeared irksome to a foreigner, but on closer acquaintance, it woald be found that these rules were anti-scorcher regulations, and any Englishman who would take the precaution of ane ning a amber of the Cyclist Touring Club, would find the formalities at Belgian douanes considerably simplified and shortened. He was enthusiastic about the r and the civility of the country people. As, however, I su uently heard him holding an ani- mated conversation with a Belgian official in Flemish, and then arguing a point about Waoner with a German at the Kursaal, breaking off to order, in French, mysterious beverages of a cee, came to the conclusion that my bicycling friend pos- sessed such linguistic advantages as, coupled with extreme affa- bility, would smooth the way for him in many rough places through which the Jess gifted would only pass with considerable friction. Ah! but “gie me Peebles for pleasure,” and the quiet of Bruges,—some people call it dulness, we don’t,—is a genuine relief ghar the hurly-burly of Ostend. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Fiona M‘Iver (Hutcutnson) is well described as “a Romance of the Western Isles.” Anruun Jenxinson, joint author with Esaty J. Junxinson, is minister of the parish of Innellan, Argylishire. The twain are evidently accustomed to go down to the sea in small boats, which they know how to steer and sail. Throughout their story sounds the undertone of the sea. Fre- quent gimoeee are caught of Iona wrapt in a grey haze, Staffa risi reamlike and shadowy, while far away the white shoulders of the Treshnish glisten above a pearly veil. That is for fine weather. But there are stormy nights on the Atlantic, and to description of these, the Jenkinson family are fully equal. The c yor which tells how Black Nial abducted Fiona, and carried her off in his boat to one of the Western Isles, is the most powerfully-written my Baronite has come across in recent research. A well-told story with a witching setting. p Tue Baron ve B.-W. VOL, CXV,

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110 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremsen”10, 1898.

g "NSE hat ® me pa / a it nv ij . . al ler ||| | 7 i ¥ 1 J Why f || \ | | |! _~ i | a> + AL, Mal bas d gm, | ia - | = , } iy Re j05H-MIAER | PRIME tsi Tam Nn ho | M7 = Sy\ / cn AN on Ee

3 — ee WF . a “a = — iF —— PS ~~ —— > OS > Ss >| S25 SQV} S aes Oo a am FP oa SS PA SASS —_ = —— — . W hwehny Vets ee ee A REMEDY FOR RUFFIANS. Hooligan, ‘‘ WuaT AgE You vr To, Guv'xon!” Policeman, “1 M GOING TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE ‘HARMLESS, NECESSARY CaT’!’

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SepremBer 10, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 111 THE GUARDS OF RIGHT. Tne skies are dark, the mist is dense, We cannot see our way, A pressure that is chill, intense, Has hidden all our day! We know the foe is somewhere near Beneath this blinding blight Of doubt, uncertainty, not fear— Stand fast, O Guards of Right! Dimly the sun has kissed the East, Dimly has kissed the West! We're bidden to the fateful feast, Where War shall mate with Rest. A cry comes forth from out yon gloom That should be dove-like, white, “Sheathe swords! suppress the cannon boom !” Stand fast, O Guards of Right! The promises of broken faith On Sands of Time are strown, We bought those promises with Death. What sowed them? Blood! our own! Across the seas, on every strand The bones of men bh white, The Sign-posts of our Mother-land! Stand fast, O Guards of Right! Stand fast! nor heed the whining cry Of curs, who fear the foe, Of women, who would fain deny That God had made them so! Stand fast! for all that Britain’s worth! Stand fast ! amid this night! You hold the Peace of all the Earth! Stand fast, O Guards of Right! CULTURE) v. AGRICULTURE. (A Vision of the Near Future.) “No foreign trips,” said Jowzs, reso- lutely. “None of your miserable seaside places for me this year. I shall spend my time at Puddleworth, in the depths of the country, staying in those delightful farm- house lodgings where I was made so com- fortable before. Mr. Griuzs, the farmer. will be delighted to see me, his wife is an admirable cook, and life there is thoroughly primitive, simple and charming.” A few days later he arrived at Puddle- worth, and very refreshing the country air seemed after the stifling heat of London. Farmer Gries greeted him warmly, and after a few remarks about the weather— a topic, Jonrs noticed, which seemed to interest his host less keenly than was once the case—the visitor enquired what kind of a season it had been for hay. “Well, Sir.” said the worthy Gruss, “the hay was all right, but we couldn’t carrv it.” “But why?” enquired Jonzs. “ Surely the weather——” “Tt weren’t the weather.” said the farmer; “’twere slong o’ that Shakspeare class. We couldn’t cet no hands nohow.” “Shakspeare class?” echoed Jonzs, with much surprise. “Yes, Sir. P’raps you mayn’t have heard how we be meving on in the country. Them there County Councils have started lectures on every sort of subject, offering prizes, and scholarships, and foolishness. All the nlace be clean overrun with them dratted lectures—asking your pardon, Sir. Mondays and Thursdavs ‘tis “Swax- sPEARF,” Tuesdays and Fridays ‘tis “ Ad- vanced Sanitation,” and Wednesdays we has a course on “Applied Dynamics.” Wunnerful useful, Sir, they tell me they i lh iit Iki |e le = Ye Millionaire, “ Yus; I'm awrul PARTIAL TO Picrerns, Why, sizes ver, I've cot CELLARS FULL OF “EM!” be. All those lectures be in the afternoon, “And is your old father alive? And if so we can’t get a man to do a day's work. | 80, what does he think of this system?” Then of an evening——” “Father,” said Mr. Giixs, smiling for “ But, gracious!” cried Jonzs, | the first time, “is a sight for to see—let “you don’t mean to tell me that the la- | alone to hear. There’s a new course of bourers attend those lectures?” | lectures on Woxnpsworrn, for “ Infants and “That they does,” said Mr. Gries. | Senile Adults,” and parson’s wife, she came “They be that daft on ‘culture,’ and ‘ eddi- | along and ed off father to the school cation,’ and suchlike nowadays. Or, even | for it. And language the old nel- if they bain’t fools themselves, for one| man used about ‘lectures’! Well, you thing there’s the County Council bribing should have heard it, Sir.” them handsome (out of rates) to'come,| “ But what becomes of the farm, Gries?” and then there ’s their women-folk egging| “Farming bain’t of no account nowa- of them on. You’ve brought a cook, Sir, | days,” said Mr. Gries, decisively. “ Missus I ?” he broke off. finds that American flour very good, and “A cook?” said Jonss, with dismay. | our butter comes from Norway. We does “No; why, I thought that Mrs. Grizs——” | a little ourselves, of course, so long as it “Lor’ bless you, she don’t cook nowa-| don’t interfere with lectures. And—'scuse days. She spends her time a-réading| me, Mr. Jones, but I’m due at one now— Browntna, and the gals are learning paint-| ’tis on “Ruskin and Ideal Art”—and my ing and the violin. As for the food——| missus, well, she just makes me go. Make Well, in the old days, as you knows, Sir, yourself at home, Sir. There ’s some bread we got what we could eat. Now we eat | and cheese, and we'll be back about nine!” what we can get—and be thankful, ot| But on his return, he found that Jones otherwise, according to our digestions.” had taken the 8.50 express for London.

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112 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Sepremper 10, 1898. -=4 / — PF ny A fea7s t's! TRY ery wer PTH B * onanecinis i= PPT As) % r Ve FRENCH AS SHE IS SPOKE. "You tre Ostenpe, Monsieur Simpxin!?” ‘On, yes, onFty! It's so ‘ RICHURCH *‘Ovrse HALL,’ wItt you?” ,’ DON’TCHERKNOW. JUST COME UP TO THE == A BACHELOR UNCLE’S DIARY. 1. Monday.— Those awful boys again! Wy should my sister and her husband go tearing off to Norway? And why should 1 be called upon to “look after”—that’s my sister’s expression—the boys? Why am I selected as bearleader to these dreadful children? I ask why, and my sister’s un- feeling, and utterly inconsequential answer is, because I have “ Shall wire and decline. “So sorry; off to Shrimpton to-morrow. Fear boys would not like hotel life.” There, that’s done. Must have my new trunks rubbed over with brown boot-polish, cannot bear sight of new leather, sets my teeth on edge. Wire for rooms at Royal, Shrimpton-on-Sea. “Answer paid” ar- rives. Day after to-morrow rooms at dis- posal. Must wait in town. Just like my luck ! T uesday.—“ Special post. Urgent.” IIl- omen. It’s from one of those two imps. O, Ricuarp tae Tarep of blessed memory, you knew what it was to be an uncle! Break open envelope and—— none of my own.” | | “Dear Unciz Cuaries,—its verry kind of you to give me and Tommy a invita- |shun” (I like that! J invite them, indeed!) “to stay with you. Ma told me to begin like that, so I’ve put it, and now Ile go on my own way. We dont mind staying at a Hotel a bit, insted of at your own house” (very condescending of | them, I’m sure!), “in fack, we preffer it, becos you can kick up sutch a joly shine | at a hotel, and have rows with the manid- ger and all that, and then it doesn’t mat- ter if you break the furnisher becos its not your own you know. Oh thers all sorts of fun in a hotel. Tommy wants to | dig on the sands, fancy the littel ass at his age with a spail and pade when he ought to be like a grown-up. I am, and hees neerly as old ass me. I had a tooth ‘out yestiddy, the feller that did it hurt, and I hollered out and hit him in the weskot, and he ga and sed you littel retch! Well, I told him if we came to Shimpton, of course we couldn’t dig on the sands (I mean Tommy, not the feller who puled my tooth out) or anny rot like that—just like kids, you know—but weed roe in a boat and sail and swim and '—oh! just rot about, just as you do your- self, you know, wen your at the seaside. So weel meet you tomorrow at Burberidge Junkshon ware they change for Scrimpton by the too thirty train. Then we shall all get there—to Skimton, I meen—to- gether, witch will be better, becos then you can look after our | ap ane well ass your own. Its so y king after luggidge, so I never do, but just let it rip, and then you should hear the Guvner sware wen we loose one of the portman- toes. Well, thats orl and hopping to see you at B. Junk. tomorrow, Your affecshunt Max. P.S.—I spose you woodent let me arsk Boots ! No, most emphatically no, I say. I will not let you Boots! D— I mean, bother Boots ! Upon my word, it is too bad that I should be let in like this. No help for it, I suppose, now, though. Wire for extra room at Royal. Wednesday.—My man secures me First smoker to myself. Quiet cigar to prepare nerves for coming ordeal. As train arrives Burberidge Junction, am _ saluted by hideous cheering from the boys standing on platform. Max is holding fox-terrier, tied by corner of dirty pocket-handker- chief. Row of heads thrust out of car- riage windows. Enquiries as to whether accident has happened. Descend gingerly and shake hands stiffly, trying to quell my nephews. Quite useless. Max rushes up, dog yapping with excitement all the time horrid child hits me violently on back, an cries, “Good old Uncle! won’t we have some real fun!” Shudder at thought. Battle, murder and sudden death fiit across my mind in connection with their ideas of “fun.” Tommy yells out, “Oh! the dog ’s loose!” and away goes terrier up the platform at forty miles an hour, Max in hot pursuit. Porter wheeling four most disre- putable trunks, burst out in several places, asks if “this ’ere lot’s yours, Sir?” Point loftily to my own neat luggage standing by, and try to wither him with a look. Tommy claims disreputable trunks. “ Put ‘em with that gentleman’s, cockie ; it’s al! right, Uncle Csarigsy, they’re ours.” Dislike expression “cockie,” especially as applied to rter, in my presence. Tommy surprised, almost grieved. Enter local train for Shrimpton, r buying boys bag of plums to keep them quiet. Max wpbes to have Nipper, the terrier, in our compartment. Sternly refuse, and insist upon his going with guard. Porter comes to window and receives his = Perhaps tip not quite enough, as he only rds it rather sulkily. As he turns to walk away, Max draws ripe plum from bag, and with the diabolical certainty of aim which al- ways pertains to mischievous boys, shies it at porter. It smashes on nape of his neck, and he rushes up to carriage window, red-faced and violent, to blare at me— evidently the tip was not all that he had Sapnetell—ler owing the “ young gents, as ain’t no gents at all, to shy——”_ Just as I am about to soothe him with another sixpence, the train mercifully steams out of station, and we are off. Propitiate Tommy with sixpence intended for porter. Max makes a dash at it. It is not five minutes since we left Burberidge station, and they have come to fisticuffs. Pleasant prospect ! Very tixe a WHate.—The one which is causing the trouble at Birchington.

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Szrrempsr 10, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE COMPLETE STORY WRITER. Il. Havine instructed the ae. r. is maw seaay Ses Wy itors 0} pegeier meteene, at the plan for making it is simplicity iteelf Begin in the most matter-of-fact manner, a favourite scene being a club smoking-room. Then introduce your su atural element in the shape of an enchanted box or dagger or ring, to which a dreadful curse is at- tached. Thereafter you ao ee pile up horrors for as many your editor will tant. A short ath is appended. THE RING FROM THE TOMB. It was nearly midnight, and only two men remained in the smoking-room of the Megarkerian Club, reposing in comfortable arm-chairs before the fire, and ing the customary whiskey-and-soda. “Tt is good to be in England once more,” remarked the elder of the two, famous among Egyptologists as Professor Hrero- ctypa. “ And now tell me your own news, Dick ; you’ve heard all my yarns.” Dick Jonnson blushed becomingly. “Well, I’m going to be married next month,” he said. “Indeed! I congratulate you! And the lady’s name?” “AmaRYLLIs JONES,” sagen Dick. “Have you ever met The Professor grew dnath pale. Beads of perspiration stood upon his brow, and his face twitched convulsively. (The young author should not use this last sentence much more frequently than siz times in each sensation story.) Little did Dick JoHNson guess that, not two years before, the Professor himself had wooed, quite unsuccessfully, his own Amaryius. (The reader never wearies of this simple expe- dient.) “Yes,” said the Professor at last, - ing ony and with evident effort. “I —know—her—well.” He placed his fingers in his waistcoat pocket, and drew out a small morocco case. “ And here is a small trifle—a ring I picked up in the sarco- phagus of RanpaNases THE Szeconp—which perhaps you will give Miss Jonzs as a humble offering from an old friend.” Dick looked at the ring curiously; it had mysterious letters engraved deep upon its face. “Thank you, Professor,” he said. “ AMARYLLIS shall have it to-morrow. And I'll wear it myself in the meantime,” and so saying, he slipped it upon the little finger of his right hand, and walked out of the room. A terrible smile came over the Professor’s face as the other left. “So you think that Amaryuis shall be yours, my friend ? ” he muttered. “Not if the spell of Ran- DANASES THE Szconp has aught of its — power!” He chuckled with unholy delight, while | hi beads of perspiration stood upon his brow, and his face twitched convulsively. | (Note to the ng author. iis then, for the horrors! As Dick Jounson walked home through the night, a strange feeling began to grow upon him, a quickening of pulse, a wild desire to kill every passer-by. At last it per irresistible, and with a short howl flung himself upon an elderly policeman ~ —: = “Wor am I MorKIN ? Bicycle, OF covurss, StToorrp.’ standing b a2 out and in an instant wrung Trampling the corpse underfoot he abe on, @ == light shone in his eyes, beads of perspiration (&c.). Well indeed was the ancient Egyp- tian curse, buried for so many centuries in the tomb of Ranpanaszs, doing its dreadful work! In the course of the next mile, Dick murdered— (i.) A cabman. (ii.) A journalist. a ) Six of a fire-brigade. (Of cowrse, you will describe the deaths of all these with full detail.) He burst into the dra “room, where the beautiful AmarY.us sat, late as the hour was, writing letters £0 volled her Gone | Dick. But her lover pe ge caress, when ye eyo de from her seat and Sine ber comm obeet is neck. “Look here, Amanyiis,” he said bluntly, “this is a sensation x and I’m bewitched, and I’m going to kill you.” 4 nstrated the girl, “do let ’s make it into a volume, and then you can let me go on for several chapters yet.” “ Nonsense,” said Dick. “ You have got to die now. -t is _ — — dagger in my pocket, story is long enough. There ll be a beautiful account of this last scene in the Cheapside Maga- Now then, Give the zine, illustrated song down on your please. artist a chance. Thank you!” (You finish with a few terse sentences, each shorter than the last.) Beads of perspiration stood upon his brow, and his face twitched convulsively. Nearer and nearer he came to the crouching girl. He the glittering dagger high. It came swiftly down It struck—thrice. Crash ! On the Way to the Manse. Deacon MacTavish (to Deacon MacBrose, after a several hosp houses on ir way). Hoot, mon Donaup, yonder 's the Meenister ! Noo, I'll joost tek a few paces afore ye, in that ye may say gin my puir ier tired legs don’t tremble. Deacon MacBrose. Gae forrard, Sanpr, gae forrard! Deacon MacTavish (after stumbling ahead for several yards). Weel, Donatp, hoo gae they ? Deacon MacBrose. Richt bonnily, Saxpr, richt bonnily. But wha’s the mon that’s walking beside ye ? Low Tastes.—Those who prefer their grouse not too high. =?

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114 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremeer 10, 1898. Seti, Irate Old Gentleman. “‘Hete, 1 say, Your BEAST OF A DoG HAS BITTEN A IIECE OUT or wy Lea!” Doa's Owner. “O#, porneR! AND I WANTED To BRING HIM TP A VEGETARIAN !' NICOTINE. I HAVE sung in many places Of My Lady’s charms and graces, I have frequently described her as my Queen ; But now in poetic phrases I intend to chaunt the praises Of another love, the nymph called Nicotine. Tho’ I trust my dearest lady Will not think my conduct shady, And with envy and with jealousy turn green ; For the notion is distressing, Yet I cannot help confessing An attachment to the nymph called Nico- tine I am not the only lover Of the nymph, for round her hover Worshippers too numerous to count, I yeen, Young and old adoring gaily, Whilst they offer incense daily At the altar of the nymph called Nicotine. Tho’ her charms are great and many, Of the fair sex scarcely any In the ranks of her admirers will be seen, But the simple and the gentle Have a more than sentimental Adoration of the nymph called Nicotine. Then her worship is a pleasure, For she speeds the hours of leisure, And she makes our appetite for work more keen ; If you are not too rapacious She is never aught but gracious, | Sweetly soothing is the nymph called Nico- tine. WILHELMINA, QUEEN OF THE NETHERLANDS, Serremrer 6, 1898, Marpen, on whose gentle brow, With the weight of woman’s years, Lies another burden now, y Rest a nation’s hopes and fears,— See, we send across the foam, Yours and ours that laughs between, Greetings in your Lowland home, Maiden-Queen ! Over half the world to-day Deep in every loyal heart Prayer is made that you may play Like a queen your queenly part ; And not least we love your throne, We who trusted once to trace Through your Orange line our own Royal race. Yet we claim to be your kin Bound by other bonds than these ; By the courage wise to win Fame and fortune from the seas ; By the strength that taught the world What a fearless faith should be; By the banner never furled Of the Free. Many a wave rolls o’er the dead Since the conqneror of Spain, With a broom at his mast-head, Swore to sweep us from the main; And, as now our seamen go Rival comrades down the deep, Memories of that gallant foe Still we keep. Such the splendid warrior-breed, Lady, from whose blood you spring ; Such their sons that shall at need All you ask of service bring : So vou stand as once she stood, England’s Queen, a simple maid, In her dawn of womanhood Unafraid. And this hour, when hearts are sent Up to God in prayer for vou, Doubt not where her thoughts are bent As remembrance lives anew : How she smiles through happy tears, Thinking what her life has been Since her land at eighteen years Crowned her Queen. And she prays that yours may be Such a heritage as hers, Peace that only loyalty Vielded by the heart confers ; With that other love. apart ; Ah! for what could well atone, If you missed to have one heart All your own? At the Archidiaconal Bazaar. Mrs. Quips (to her little daughter, who has presented a Purse to the Distinguished Visitor). Why, Curis, didn’t you say ‘ your grace” instead of “ my lady” to the Duchess ? Miss Chris. Well, mother, I didn’t see unything to eat, so I couldn’t. An AFRICAN PROBLEM EASY OF SoLv- rton.—Omdurman = Kartoum : Oom-dur- man = Pretoria. Go1ne to THe Devce.—Getting thirty to forty at lawn tennis.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 10, 1898 FOAM ELM et LOL SWAIN Sc A FRIENDLY PROPOSAL. Taz Czar. “MY DEAR ALLY, PUT DOWN YOUR SWORD, AND JOIN MY LEAGUE OF PEACE.” , Paance. ‘WHEN GERMANY RESTORES ALSACE AND LORRAINE, THEN—I WILL THINK ABOUT IT!”

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SupremBer 10, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117

All — >> —J Arias " a

—— ———— = —<— ——_

—

Peas | Fume No GxvARa ana Caaret fFoa F— ry vet +, Hor Cte tg DRINKS Ye H \ | 7 eegs ~~? — —

[The Lancet advocates taking holidays in Midwinter instead of Midsummer. } View oF THE SANDs oF ANYWHERE-ON-SEA IF THE SUGGESTION I8 ADOPTED.

= Time—DecemMBeR OR JANUARY.

DARBY JONES ON DONCASTER. Arter having my humble remarks on Turf Indiscretion \ oa in Big 4 by such an Illustrious Newspaper as the Daily Telegraph, I feel, honoured Sir, like the Czar of All the Russias must have felt when his Patent-Peace-at-any-Price Bill was seen, read and approved of by his Illustrious Neighbour and Relative the Emperor of All the Germanies. There is nothing like Quotation after all to establish a Man’s Reputation. Most of our De- ceased Statesmen have lived and do live upon their Quotations and not on their Sculptured Tombs in Westminster Abbey, St. Paul’s Cathedral, and other convenient sepulchres. I would much prefer in my own case that some now unborn Briton should exclaim in the Paulo-post-futurum, “Darsy Jones told this story in 1898,” than that my Memory should be associated with a Diseased Drinking Fountain, from which the Unnecessary had been pur- loined by some Unscrupulous Teetotaler. Not that I am vain en to suppose that any Member of Posterity will ever be aware of the existence of “ Darnsy Jonzs,” save as he exists in the Printed Catacombs of Mr. Punch. But away to the Delights of Doncaster, leaving Cacteam, Epitaphs, and Mono- graphs to the Historians of the Great War which, if I be anything of a Tipster, will break out immediately after the close of the Paris Exhibition of a.p. 1900. I am not a Politician, honoured Sir, the only “Swing of the Pendulum” that I appre- ciate is when a Big Backer the Knock to his Tick in the Ring, the only “ Open door ” that I understand is the Free Portal to Tattersall’s Enclosure, and the sole Ba- lance of the parties with which I am ac- quainted is Settling up on Mondays. But nevertheless I am a Briton, and take it from me, Sir, that if any Ready Money is wanted to back the Empire of the Quen in the Great International Stakes, it will be largely found among the Promoters of Sport, who throng Her Masesty’s vast territory longitudinally and latitudinally the wide world over. I am driven to these Patriotic Reflections by the fact that at Doncaster I have learnt that several large parcels of that delicate sweetmeat known as Butter-scotch have been despatched to

our Gallant Warriors in the Soudan, and that these packages have been sent by Turfites who know that Tommy ArTKINs may have a sharp bayonet and a keen sword, but that he also possesses a sweet tooth. How small does the Globe seem when we reflect that at the very moment when the “Sellinger” is being decided, some noble member of the Sirdar’s army may be chewing Doncaster toffee on the banks of the Antique River of Ramesrs. I like Doncaster for one thing, and that is its Independence. There is no truckling to visitors, as happens in the Sordid South. A Doncastrian landlord or landlady gives you of the Best according to Doncastrian ideas. If you don’t like it, you cam pack up your grip-sack and depart elsewhere. e Southron host or hostess would de- ceive a British Ambassador with fair pro- mises, but the Northerner is as uncom- romising as Sir WiLrrip Lawson or Lady es Somerset. If you don’t appreciate the Whiskey of Doncaster return to less Cultured Regions and get your Quencher there. At Doncaster, too, there are man Rough Elements, but the Roughs of Good- wood, Epsom and Alexandra Park are un- known, for the very excellent reason that if they were to attempt any of their Romps and Rigs they would be quietly suppressed, possibly killed, by the Pitmen and other Patrons of the Corporation Course. This is Brutal Justice, but it answers as well as Lynching in the Far West of the Great Republic. We are anticipating a very enjoyable meeting, for Captain Krirerion, owing to a stroke of Good Fortune which he received by backing Mr. Gzorcz Epwarpes’s quad- ruped Herbal at Derby, has secured apart- ments not unworthy of the Manager of the Gaiety re. The Hon. Fuirtatr and others of Similar Kidney have promised to join the Company, which I need not say would be enhanced to the magnitude of an Imperial Directorate by the presence of Your Honoured Self and that of your Versa- tile and Witty friend Sir Frausen Punnett, whose address you withhold in a manner suggestive of Doubts with regard to my Probity. Allow me, Sir, to state that my Mug may not be great, but I never inter- fere with any one else’s. Captain Kritr- RION is very honourable on these points of Professional Etiquette, and so, I trust, am [. I will presently send on my notes, which may interest you with regard to the Race named after the gallant Colonel who was as fragile a Saint as his name portends, und meanwhile will endeavour to supply you and my other Patrons with that versi- fied prophecy, for which I take no credit beyond that of endeavouring to satisfy curiosity at the shortest notice possible. Let the Minstrel warble :— The Cricketer’s Weapon 1'\| put on one side, And The Tyre may not go the pace, But the§chance of the Duckhunter do not deride, And Tipon may run to a piace, The Pilgrimage Port should be first in the field, Nine We go uncommonly smart, But I fancy to Beaconsfield yet he may yield, And to Godsend if given a start. So runs my augury. It is at least as good as that of a Talented Racing Necro- mancer of my Acquaintance, who writes out all the names of the Probable Starters on slips of paper, puts them into a hat, and receives bee shillings a time for his “specials” from a Confi Public. Such conduct would be averse from the well- known Morality of your devoted, but for some time past unchequed, adherent, Dansy Jones.

“BAUCE HOLLANDAISE.” S1r,—Should the Devoted Dutchmen be in want of a national melody wherein to voice their loyal attachment to their youth- ful and most charming , they might do worse than adopt and adapt the music and words of Robin’s song in what was once, chez vous, a most popular operetta, c'est-a-dire, The Waterman, of which the refrain is— “So, Wrinetorwa, I love but thee!’ This is a suggestion made to me by mon ami le Prince Paul, who is still a contri- butor to “ La Gazette de Hollande, oui!” and whereunto I set my seal and hand as, if you will allow me the Anglo-French carambol, “La Granps Dutonesss.” Note.—By the way, to the modern ma- jority who “did never hear of the jolly young waterman,” Mr. Punch, with thanks to La Granpe Dutcnesse, the revival of this old-fashioned operetta. Mr. Sms Reeves is still with us to instruct any aspiring tenor as to how “Tom Tug” should be played and sung.

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118 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Sepremper 10, 1898. ee eee me taal ii —— = | ~ ee ~ HH HAWK Ml —, am — of A SORE POINT. She. *‘ Docror, I've BEEN GuEssING THESE ConuNDRUMS,... Do you. zvER—— He. ‘‘ Mana, I HAVE BEEN GUESSING ConUNDRUMS For THIRTY YEARS—PROFESSIONALLY!” FLODDEN FIELD. (Ertract from the Travel Diary of Tobu, M.P.) Ford Castle, Northumberland, Monday. Suppose that after lapse of nearly five centuries all battlefields wear a placid air. Something especially pacific about the Field of Flodden looked down upon this sunlit September day. Hard to realise that upon another September day, in the year 1513, something like one hundred thousand men (including Marmion) faced each other on this hill Their marshalled lines stretched east and west, And fronted north and south. Walking hither from Ford Castle, the only sign of carnage we met with were seven dead hawks nailed to a tree. The Member for Sark, whose experience is rather urban than rural, thought they were grouse ; willing to assume that this is one of the habits of hospitable country. Kind- hearted sportsman fills his bag; finds it overflowing; bethinks him of the weary pilgrim less blessed with opportunity. Nails his surplusage within hand-reach on the branch of a tree, so that he who walks mav take Sark sorely tempted to pouch a brace. Thought the Chairman of his Election Com- mittee would be pleased by receipt, per parcel-post, of such reminder of the thoughtfulness of the sitting Member. When I reflect on pleasing picture of the Chairman of Election Committee sitting down to the Member’s “grouse,” lifting the cover from a brace of roast hawks, | almost regret I dissuaded Sark from carry- ing out his intention. Perhaps it was better. Honesty is, after all, the best policy. Besides, we can’t spare Sark from Westminster, and the Chairman of his Committee is, I believe, supremely in- fluential in the constituency. King James coming over the border with intent to tavage the country of his good cousin, Hexry of England (at the time, burning and pillaging the territory of his good cousin, the King of France), put up at Ford Castle, When he pushed on to the fight at Flodden, he repaid hospitality by burning the fortress. That a hard job with walls of the thickness of this old Castle. Still standing four square, fronting Flod- den, is the tower roofing the room in which King Jamie slept on the night before the battle. Over the stane fireplace, on which are carved the royal arms of Scotland. runs this inscription: “King James re 4rx of Scotland did lye here at Ford Castle, A.D. 1513.” Only last night, as it were, he undressed and went to bed here, dreaming of victory in the morning, and of being .crowned at Westminster—only a last night dead these three hundred and eighty-five years. Probably there is nothing tiow, save the bare walls, that witnessed that last vigil. Certainly the mirror on the table, ancient as it is, does not belong to the early years of the sixteenth century. Nor does the tapestry on the walls, faded though it be; nor the heavy black oak tables and chests. The bed is, neverthe- less, called King James’s bed. A prim- looking four-poster, with long, lean arms reaching to the ceiling, an embroidered crimson coverlet, with some last touches given tothe pattern by centuries of moths. Beside the fireplace is a staircase leading to the room below. This is called the Secret Staircase, and nineteenth century scandal, echoing earlier tradition, trips up and down the stone steps, lightly telling how the room below was Lady Heron’s bed-cham- ber, and how the King might have won the fight at Flodden and chanced the history of Great Britain if he had not dallied at Ford Castle long enough for Surrey to pull his men together. In truth, there is nothing secret. about the staircase. which in King James’s time was probably the only means of access to the tonmost cham- ber where the Kine did “lye.” There is a Gothic window in the King’s room, facing due West. Castles of King Jawes’s day did not have windows as big as this. Through a narrow slit of the same wall, or from the roof, the King, on the early morning of the battle day could clearly see on the rounded hill a mile and a half awav the earthworks that marked the Scottish camp. But he could not see on the other side of Branxton Ridge. the Enclich army. with Surrey in the saddle. and Constante. Howarp, Staniey, and Dacre, marshalling their men. He saw enough of them before night fell, and when again morn broke, The careana of the King himeelf Bare naked left as it was horn. The Earl could not. know it a9 well, Searching the same uron the morn. Urtil Lord Dacerxs at the lnat By certain signe did him hewrav. The corpa then in a cart heing east, They to Newcastle did convev. So sings a nameless minstrel, whose rugged verse the white-robed Chatelaine of the Castle came upon in the library, and brings to me. It tells in three “fyts” all about Flodden. A note by a later, but long ago shrivelled hand, extols the shrewd- ness of the singer in thus dividing his story. A groat a “fyt” was the price eurrent in deys preceding our own ALFRED. Having excited interest in his story by recital of his first “fyt,” the Atrrrn Austin of the sixteenth century wouldn’t tune un avain under a second groat. claim- ing a third payment for the final “fvt.” As Sar* says, “ Looking out on Flodden from the Kine’s room, under whose heamed ceiling the doomed Srvart passed bis last nicht, we seem for the moment to be within hand-reach of quite wrinkled History.” LIZA’S LAMENT. f Anold woman known as ‘ Weeving Extza,’ was sentenced to ‘one day’ in default of paying two shillines for hawking Bobby's Canary and other story-books during prohibited hours.”’ Daily Graphic.) THEM coppers declare that I’m wary, Cantankerous and quite contrary, Whenever I dares to offer my wares, And tries to sell Bobby's Canary. A fillin’ me with indignation By sayin’ J] makes lamentation, Whenever I’m took for ’awkin’ my book A contrary to regulation. They say as it isn’t the right time A sellin’ of books in the night-time, And puts me away, two bob or a day,— E1iza, she do ’ave a bright time.

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SepremBer 10, 1898.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. * Trascible Licutenant (down enyine-room tube), “1s THERE A BLiTHERING LDIOT AT THE END OF THIS TUBE!” Voice from Engine-room, ‘‘ NoT aT THIS END, Siz |” TO THE PIPE-R. (See Lines in ‘‘ Punch,” September 3.) I po not think that it was wise To puff your pipe as you have done, Your statements I shall criticise For one. A cigarette of any brand Unto a pipe cannot compare, At least so you, I understand, Declare. We will agree upon that head. A cigarette ’s insipid, tame, Besides, in other lines I’ve said The same. But “Consolation’s type,” no, no, I feel I really must protest, As type a pipe is not, you know, The best. A pipe is liable to choke, And does so if not often cleaned ; Then you choke also, and invoke The fiend. Again, a pipe, I beg to state, If valuable is apt to break ; And altogether it’s a great Mistake. You spoke, I think, before you should Have done, for surely better far Than any pipe is a real good Cigar. —— orn 5 — ; eee (READING | ‘ , ‘ | ra ~ } ~ aL - \ J | “READING BETWEEN THE LINES,” a Very common occurrence, but most dangerous practice when a Train is coming. ON AN AVERAGE. [An article in the St. James's Gazette asverts that East London, even at preseni, gets au average sup- ply of twenty-six galions of water per head —= ; which, it says, is more than the average daily supply of Birmingham, Liverpool or Sheffield. | Dear A., and B., and C., and D., Who grumble that you get no water, Your argument’s a fallacy, Since, even in your Kast End quarter, Abundant waters freely flow Upon an average, you know. What though in tea-cups you must lave, And drains and sewers are foul and reeking, And you in gallipots must save Your daily store ?—correctly speaking (Upon an average) you possess Two dozen gallons, more or less, For W., X., and Y., and Z., Have water and to spare, and waste it; Then with such vast supplies (per head) Although you neither feel nor taste it, You would be happy, I'll engage, Did you but strike the average. At Scarborough during the Cricket Week. Bliffkins (reading placard). What’s the meaning of this: “ Gentlemen v. Players ” ? Smiffkins. The same old game, | sup- pose, haristocracy A the clown cricketers against one another.

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120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. ) [SPTEMBE2 10, 1898. -_ THE SENSE OF FITNESS. Cecilia. ‘‘It was NAUGHTY OF You, Harotp, To TELL Moraer such A Fin.” Harold. ** Wet, you Tei, Fiss ENOUGH YouRSELF, Cissy.” Cecilia. ‘‘Ou, Harotp, Never!—in THe Drawine-Rroom !” EEN BRIEFJE, Londen, Woensdaa, 3) Aucustus, 1898. Munueer Repacteur!—(I’ve started in Dutch, as it is a Dutch week coming, but I’m afraid I can’t keep it up. I might trij to Dutchifij mij remarks for the occasion bij imitating the gic dij, kwaije waij the Hollanders have of writing the letter y, yut I fancij such a wrij stijle of orthographij might give Ijou a * in the eije, so I forbear.) am on the point of flitting over to Amsterdam to witness the blijde inkomst (or joyeuse entrée) and inauguration of Queen Witnetmina. As in the case of the Russian Coronation, the Press authorities have given each duly accredited journalist a neat little red morocco pocket-book or passe-partout, containing his own photograph, and they have gone one better than the Muscovites, as we are accorded a free sage from England, and a pass over all the Dutch railways. Unfortunately, it will take them all their time, through no fault of the Dutch reproduction, to trace any resemblance Tetevcn yours truly and his portrait, at least, so say impartial friends. On our own private account we are to have a busy and ex- citing time, according to the “programme of reception,” what with raouts and excursions to Marken and Edam and Purmeted. with afternoon tea at Mesdag’s studio, and a few Press banquets thrown in, so much so, that we shall all come home talkin double-Dutch in praise and admiration of “Ons Willemintje,” and live on Dutch cheeses and “square-face” for ever after. “My old Dutch” will have an added force as a term of endear- ment, and “as I’m a Dutchman” will be the only correct form of asseveration. We shall all be assisting at “ Dutch concerts,’ if we can get an audience with enough Dutch courage to join in, and we will finish up the evening with a grand “ Dutch auction ” of what remains of the furniture. Every dam will have its day. Some dams have had theirs already (as said the drama- tist), and that on the Amstel and the Ij is now going to have its turn as well. So here’s any number of cheers (before start- ing) for the success of de Feestelijke Ontvangst van Hare Mayjesteit de Koningin te Amsterdam bij gelegenheid van Hr. Ms. Inhuldiging binnen Amsterdam in_ 1898, to quote the front pee of the Officiéele Feestgids! Ijours trulij, Z. 13. X. CONVERSATIONS FOR CASH. (‘In Paris the diner-out can converse without trouble. From an ingenious gentleman, who does a i in this line, he can purchase a printed stip, on which current topics are conveniently summarised, together with appropriate anecdotes.""— Daily Paper.) Messrs. Bonmot anp Racontevr, the well-known conversa- tion-mongers, beg to intimate that they have recently opened a London branch of their business, and that they are prepared to supply talk of all kinds at the lowest possible cash prices. They venture respectfully to czll your attention to the subjoined ex- tracts from their catalogue, referring to conversations of the kind for which there is a special demand at this time of year. 1. The Agricultural Blend.—This is a most useful variety, and is strongly recomraended to London gentlemen, Americans, and others renting country residences, as with the assistance of a supply of this blend, they will be able to talk intelligently about cows, pigs, ma)iures, price of hay, &c. It need beoll be pointed out how severely handicapped are many who wi to figure as country ;rentlemen by their ignorance of these mat- ters. The following vestimonial, from Mr. Jeremian Dress, of Mincing Lane, speaks for itself: “Having taken Diddledum Castle,” he writes, “for two months, I was much vexed to find how unsociable the county Society appeared-to be. For some weeks they simply ignored our presence in their midst. But, meeting by chance the Lord-Lieutenant of the county, I quickly let off three os of your Agricultural Blend, with the result that his wife en on us next 2. The Sporting.—This ia a brand of conversation for which there is a great demand just now. Messrs. Bonmot AND Racontevrk would warn purchasers to avoid most carefully all spurious imitations, the use of which has often proved most isastrous. They guarantee that their own Sporting conversa- tions may be used in any quantities, and aith ahosbute confi- dence, as they are carefully distilled from the latest and most trustworthy text-books only. For the convenience of customers, they are sold in two qualities. (A) Includes partridge-shooting, golfing, bicycling, and trout-fishing, and is a good, useful con- versation at a low price. (B) In addition to these, also deals with deer-stalking, salmon-fishing, polo, and yachting, and though expensive, is more than worth the money charged for it, being a magnificent brand of a really aristocratic conversation. 3. The Country-House.—This light and sparkling ag is aspecially suitable for ladies’ use, and is most popular. No lady going a round of visits should be without some, as it will save her an immense deal of trouble. It includes idiotic nick-names for her fellow-guests, anecdotes (guaranteed new) about people in the smartest set, and appropriate conversational openings with bishops, sportsmen, soldiers, barristers, and authors. For those who wish it, flirtation dialogue (Chateau d’ Anthony Hope) can ilso be supplied at a moderate figure. Miss ANGLER writes: “I ittribute my engagement to Mr. Cresvs entirely to the use of your conversation.” Lady Capgur says: “I have used your talk this summer with excellent results; in each house I have been asked to extend my stay. Professor Stronyrock is ex here to-morrow ; please send six geological anecdotes by return.” 4. The end of the London season having been reached, we can offer a stock of oddments and remnants—consisting of criticisms on plays, pictures and books, &c., at the most ridiculously low = The attention of suburban residents is specially invited to these. 5. Messrs. Bonmot anp Raconteur suggest that no more acceptable present could be found than a nicely-assorted stock of conversation. The following order, for instance, has just been executed as a birthday gift from a lady to her husband, who is about to start for a country visit : — One dozen jokes, repartees, etc., suitable for cabmen, guards, and porters ; twelve pages general conversation; two pages political conversation; six pages sporting conversation; one dozen anecdotes, best selected dinner-table ; one dozen anecdotes, for smoking-room consumption, very rich and fruity ; one dozen assorted epigrams. E On application, a list of commissions, similar to the above, may be obtained. A casual inspection will prove that the firm - capable of carrying out any suggestion of an intellectual character. In conclusion, Messrs. Bonwot anv Racontevur trust that they may receive your esteemed patronage, assuring you that your orders will have their prompt and most careful attention. rr -E=rTrYT, f+ T Si

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“PUNCH” is being set up every week by LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. @ ‘No Better Food Exists.” —London Medical Record. Allen & _ Hanburys’ Food FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED. “ Excellent in quality and flavour.”—La»cer. Sold Every where in Is., 2s., 5s., and 10s. Tins. “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S | WORLD-F AMED BLOOD MIXTURE | |Ie warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities, from whatever cause arising. For Scrofula, Scurvy, Eczema, Bad Legs Skin and Blood Diseases, Pimples = Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- vellous. It is the only real specific for Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes the cause from the blood and bones. Thousands of wonderful cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2. 97. and 11s. each, of Chemists everywhere. BEWARE OF WORTHLES; IMITATIONS. HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. Sold throughout the W orld This Grand Ord Whiskey is a blend of we |RICHD. MATTHEWS & CO., % and 25, HART 8T., BLOOMSBURY, W ;c Soild by all Leavine Mencuanrs t Inpia and the Colonies. PROTECT ES COAL == TAR "SOAP PROMOTES WE MEALT THE ‘SKIN Twe Onuy 2 DISEASE DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. For ACIDITY or rue STOMACH, HEARTBURN, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON MACGREGORS CHARIVARI. /ARI.— SEPTEMBER 10, 1898. MACGREGOR & TURNER, Be &, (GREAT CLYDE STREET, GLASGOW. | | pduce | of the most tamous HIGHLAND SMALL STILLS. Sample bottle post free on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 84, Hand Forged Guararteed Perfect 4. Send for Pree List of Cases. yrom all Dealers, or write direct to Makers, GICRE RAZOR Puse.y ae Pea- FAMOUS WHISKY. ‘Che Spirit oft of the Age.’ | prt % > % Send stam BOTANIC MEDICINE 00., 8, NEW OKFORD 8r.,W.0. we Chem ae PERFECT. Special Liqueur, 48/- per doz. Famous old Scotch, 39/- per doz. A KODAK AT A GUINEA Te take large photographs. _FALCON Ne Dark Room needed fer changing Films. ~ KODAK EstTastisnep 1859.) Extra Hollow Ground Cuvee y Set. See “ Encore” Shank. T. TURNER @ CO., SUFFOLK WORKS, ake who will « supply through nearest agent T sa roll of Film for Ask for “ Encore" Pocket and Table ( ‘utlery. 12 exposures. Size of CELLULAR DRESS SHIRTS. HEALTHIEST xp BEST ror EVENING W2ZAR TQustrated Price List of full ran Goods for Men, Women, and Children, sent post free on application. | OLIVER BROTHERS, Ltd., 33, New Bond 8&t., OLIVER BROTHERS, Ltd. 417, Oxford Street, W. ROBERT SCOTT, Ltd., 4 an d 15, Poultr | And “om in = Towns in the United K Price picture 34 ~ 34 inches. Fall Particulars Post Pree. EASTMAN fiaverisn?es: Head Office: 43, Clerkenwell Rd., LONDON, B.C. Reta’ Branches: 60, Cheapside, E.C 115-117, Oxford Street, W. 171-173, Regent Street, W ge af ¢ ‘eliular Ww. . BL. List for Names. FAA A 2 ¥ ws THE ENJOYMENT OF TOBACCO q LARGELY DEPENDS UPON THE\@ PIPE USED. THE CELEBRATED | BRIAR PIPES BRANDED » f nA ra y q BB OWN © MAKE ARE RECOGNISED AS THE MOST PERFECT, BOTH AS TO ESE IF YOU APPRECIATE QUALITY TEE FAMOUS UAM-VAR SCOTCH WHISKY And you will not be disappointed. INNES & GRIEVE, Lro., EDINBURGH & LONDON. COLD EERINGS soa. pe (FERRY BRANDY. The Best biqueun “THE FAMOUS —_ “MAB renders imitation “MAB” Co., 78, Newhall 8t., Serutaghen. tnt the feos SOFT WHITE HANDS IN A SINGLE NIGHT. shaving tinplement tm the worte pnuine soaring the P ree bay ~ a ee ro = 4 Rathe on retiring in a strong, hot “euds” of Cerevas Soar Dry thoroughly, anoint freely with Coeriecns, and weer old loose kid gloves (as per eut), | during the night | | None nie — PRICE } ; handle # 6 6 aim in Cast pick 7/6 a Pinger Ends, This treatment Is simp! Wonderful Britich dey | ag od RY, COLDEN ‘BRONZE HAIR. Fhe lovely gaqnce * Chétain re oncte can be rted to Hair of any colour ct, ng told only v by W. WINTER, 472, Oxford &t., London le, 64., Tle, Por tinting grey or sisir MINE is invasuales.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Sgpremser 10, 189s. MAKE ROOM FOR MONKE’ | WON’T WASH CLOTHES. BROOKE’S MONKEY BRAND SOAP. FOR KITCHEN TABLES & FLOORS, LINOLEUM & OIL-CLOTH FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR-RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, MANTELS, &c. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c. Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No, 3%, Loraine R Lombard the Precinct of Offices cf Messrs. 5 « Limited, ay eb ebb ee es PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. WON’T WASH CLOTHES.