Punch 1898-08-27: Vol 115 Iss 2981

Page 1

i — Bays: y its puta- | aS aes -_- — HOTEL, EASTBOURNE. | | V y\ of ¢ sty . a 4* ms 7) wr: == (' « » P ‘a \"N@ Ne fm ~ y il & PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY- 9 o ‘fb a \ Hf a) % i re = : Eh, iu \@ ERY'S THE PUNCH OFFICE, 85, 250 “GOLD baa ae ch Saas: ies me " >" ~ Ny = ney RYDE, 4. W. S== CORDON HOTELS sass ARE, ROTEL ETROPOLE, Ghamtes. Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. RARICE THREE PENCE. 6a” NOTICE —Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any Description, will not be returned unless accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. TONDON. MEDALS, &&c. PURE CONCENTRATED FLEET STREET, “““~ ‘COCOA “The richest in flesh-forming and energy-producing constituents.” —Dr. Anoxaw Witson, F.R.S.E., &e.

Page 2

‘THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE CO. (Established 1825 ) Head Office: EDINBURGH. Accumulated Fund, 8} Millions Stg. ALL CLASSES OF ASSURANCES CARRIED THROUGH ON FAVOURABLE TERMS. ch Offices in India & the C. olonics. N us ANTI FAN — 4. poem by Chemiste. mp for pam phiet. Bend et BOTANIC MEDICINE 00. 3 » NEW OXFORD Sr, »W.C. ae “No Better —_ Exists.” ws Allen & Hanburys’ Food FOR SETENS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED. Pace nt in quality and flavour Laxcer id Pvery where in le., 2¢., Se., and 10s. Tins DINNEFORD § MACNESIA. we STOMAC H, HEARTRURN UT, yh ~ wehbe thro shout the W« ’ tk Pete § Besta Gwent DENTIF “SOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-F AMED BLOOD MIXTURE Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities, from whatever cause arising For Serofula, Scurvy, Eevema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Diseases, Pimples and Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- vellous. It is the only real specific for Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes the mae from the blood and bones Thousands of wonderful cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2°. O¢. and 11s. each, of Chemists everywhere BEW \RE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. 158 to 162, OXFOR 2, QUEEN VICTORIAST,E.C.| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avevusr 27, 1898. "a TRY IT IN YOUR BATH SCRUBB’S MARVELLOUS CLOUDY FLUID PREPARATION. Refreshing as a Turkish Bath. Invaluable for Toilet Purposes. Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing. Allays the Irritation caused by Mosquito Bites. Invigorating in Hot Climates. Restores the Colour to Carpets. Cleans Plate and Jewellery. Price 1s. per Bottle. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Etc. SCRUBB & CO., Guildford Street, _ Lambeth, 8.E. Hond Forged. Extra Hollow, Ground. Carefully Set Guaranteed Perfect —uee “ Encore ” on Shen Ivory, o., diack, end for Free List of Cases rrom all Dealers, or rae direct to Makers, T. TURNER @ 0O., SUFFOLK WORKS, 6 yo will supply through nearest agent Ask for “ Encore"’ Pocket and Table Cutlery. Nothing so pure, so sweet, so wholesome, for preserving, purifying and beautifying baby’s skin, sealp, and hair. as warm baths with CuTi- cura Soap, followed by occasional anointings with Curicura, the great skin cure. fold everywhere & Sows, London. Porr Sole Props., Bostun, U8 Viritish depot: F. Newser: “vy Dave ano Curm. Coar, A 0 RIENTAL CARPETS. 0 RIENTAL CARPETS. ()RIENTAL CARPETS. TRELOAR’S LISTS OF SPECIAL SHIPMENTS. TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Catalogue. TYPHOID FEVER. OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT STATEMENT— ‘‘ Wherever the PASTEUR (chamberiand) FILTER has been introduced "| “TYPHOID FEVER HAS DISAPPEARED.” Sold Everywhere. Sole Makers : J. Defries & Sons, Limited, 147, Houndsditch, E.C, West-End Show Rooms : 208, Victoria Street, 8.W. | | The ONLY Be Stretcher arate cher: are recommended for each pair of Trousers in Use. whereby the tension is ob- tained means Screwed Red. ; | Sold everywhere, or sent on receiptof P.O. Bronze polished, b ; Army quality, only); for colonies and abroad, add for 4 Ibe. to P Dest, 6, Philip BRILL’S ape CEA SALT. fatto Bracing and Refreshing. “*They come as a boon and a blessing to men, The Pickwick, the Owl, and the oe Pen.” D ST., W->\) onpow. (Facing the Mansion House.) Manufactory : l/lustrated THE ROYAL WORKS, NORFOLK STREET, SHEFFIELD. Price Lists Post Free. nickel, 96 (in Gt. Britain | “ ' | §, Y. “ARGONAUT” CRUISES, © organised by Dr. LUNN and Mr. PEROWNE. | This magnificent ocean steam y horse- power 4,000, is fitted ity all modern | and improvements, elect castle, Tilbury (for London PV ymouth, Quecustowg for Siltarne a, Perainon for Dubiin, Portrush for Giant's Comerway, along the Western Islands to Aberdeen, Leith for Edinburgh, Tilbury. September oth to vith nag £14 lds, CRUISE (19 da MADEI Tevenirre nee PALMA ukE Tabotum | GIBRALTAR a tind. Full details from the Gardens, Euston, London, N.W. | ' Orient Company s Pleasure Cruise Steamship “ I mi. * 3,912 tons to the ME. )ITERRANEAN and the BLA SEA, lea’ on 20th ge visiting TANGIER, VI Nice,&c.), PALERMO,CON :, SEBASTOPOL, BALAKLAVA, YALTA for Livadia), ay 74 (for Tiflis), PIRAU for Athens), CANEA (Crete), MALTA. ALGIERS, GIBRALTAR, pow By at Ply- mouth 7th Nov. London 8th Nov | Passengers lea’ London on 29th and travellin oa d can m Sth Sent. steamer it Villefranche. String band, electric light, high-class cuisine. Managers, F. Green &Co., Anderson, Ander- : ‘0. Head Office: Fenchurch Avenue. For passage apply to the latter firm at 5, Fen- chureh Avenue, ) ondon, E.C., or to the West End Branch Office, 16, Cockspur Street, 8.W. HOWARD'S «un. PARQUET FLOORS d. From 3 per foot. Finest quality produced. Solid Oak Wall Panelling from 2s. 6d. per foot. 25, 26, & 27, BERNERS STREET, W. {CE_ iy ina tro hye vy New Rotary achlas, The Raplin. Send a pos’ card to the undersigned sor List F, No. H. PULSOMETER ENCINEERING CO., LTD., 9 Elms Iron Works. LONDON. S.W. Can be seen tm operation at Showrooms, 61 « Queen V1 Victoria Street, London. be. DURING SUMMER You should never be without a bottle of ROWLAND’S KALYDOR, | Which cools and refreshes the face and hands, Tan, Sunburn, Redness, ; heals and cures Irritation, Eruptions. Bottles, 23 and 46. ROWLAND’S MACASSAR OIL, the most oatut eee. and aoe at) od inaG hair,and is also sol : and children with fuir or golden hair, as it does not stain or darkenthe hair or linen. Stores and Chemists for ROWLAND’S ‘ARTICLES.

Page 3

Avaust 27, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 85 (‘‘ Jurymen are crowded into a box so limited in space that tney are hardly able to cross their legs." —G@lod..) WHY NOT HAVE AN Expanpine Jury Box on THE ConcerTINA PrincipLe, as ABOVE! TAKE ANY SIZE JURYMAN, SvuGGESTION GraTis DARBY JONES ON TURF RUFFIANISM AND THE EBOR HANDICAP. Honovrep Srr,— Ever since Horse-| Racing was established in this country, and that is going back several centuries, | the Princely Pastime has attracted not only | the Favour of the Great and Good, but also the Attention of those Unprincipled | Kuffians who stick at No Crime, if so be | that they can see their way to Trowsering | more or less Filthy Lucre. The Daily) Telegraph, after issuing considerably over | Fifteen Thousand Numbers of ite smart | and news-giving sheets, has suddenly tum- | bled to the fact that Roughs exist upon | the Turf. It required no CurisTorHER Cotumsus, Livinestone, STANLEY, or | NANSEN, to discover this,—but all honour | to the D. T. for being bold enough to| show that a very Old Sore is nevertheless in want of some Healing Treatment, and that without delay. But the various Ama- teur Doctors, who propose drastic measures in the Largest Circulation for curing the Evil and cite Vivid Examples of the growth of the Pestilence, appear to forget that the Remedy really rests with the Racegoers themselves. Take, for instance, Goodwood, the most Select and Fashionable Assem- blage in the whole world barring, perhaps, Ascot. It is held in a Ducal Park, remote from a Railway Station, and yet I will guarantee to say that no gathering is more saturated with the Scum and Dregs of De- praved Humanity than is this first meeting of the Sussex Fortnight. The True Tales of Brigandage that 1 could relate in this connection would make the Bishop of the Diocese tremble in his Episcopal Palace. And the Robbers do not ractice their art under the Cover of ight, but boldly pursue their malprac- tices under the eyes of Phoebus Apollo and the observance of the Policemen on s0- | called Duty. Why, honoured Sir, even I have had my Pockets rifled immediately | opposite the Grand Stand, not by the Sly Pickpocket, but by a Band of Snatchers, | who, getting me off my legs from Front and Back, have run the Rule over me like so many Carpenters. On one occasion the scoundrels relieved me of a Canvas Bank Bag containing, alas! fifty golden Sove- reigns. In less time than it takes me to | write this, they had ap iated my Hard-earned Winnings, and, sdding Ineult | to Injury, returned empty bag, which was stamped with the name of a philan- thropist of world-wide fame. what use was it for me to kick and yell for Assistance when I was lifted aloft like Tom Bowling of Ballad Fame? The Con- | stable whom I subsequently addressed on the subject, Caustically and Cruelly re- marked that I ought to have known better than to have carried so much money with me, and asked for a Description of the | Thieves. Merry Wags are these Policemen sometimes! This is only a Solitary Inci- dent, and I mention it merely to show that the Banditti do not hold up only the Inno- cent and Unsus ing, but also Old- timers like myself. I believe that the Underwriters at Lloyd’s will insure against almost any loss, but he would be a rash Lloyd’s man who ranteed a visitor to Goodwood against bush A worthy Inspector from Scotland Yard, now no more, once told me that he had noted 999 Years of Penal Servitude walking about on the Course. But I have di d. Let me a Nostrum. It is no secret that the Duke of RichMonp AND Gorpon does not permit the meeting to be held in his Beautiful Park from purely egg Motives. A certain Grove may be Birdless, but on such occasions the Oof Fowl wings it to Goodwood House. You don’t get on to the Lawn or into the Paddock by showing your Visiting Card. Clearly, then, his Grace is morally, if not legally, bound to protect his Patrons. And now, Sir, to breezy York, whereof the Archbishop signs himself “ Exor,” no doubt out of compliment to the famous Handicap, now somewhat shorn of its glory, but still a Record Contest. After recklessly regaling my Muse on Yorkshire Beef, Yorkshire Hams, and Yorkshire Grouse, I warble :— Toe Ocean that Waltzes 1 will not advise, For the Jersey Costume I prefer. Bad Antler may give us « sorry surprise When African Liner won't stir. But the Born Charioteer I prefer for a place, Not forgetting the Warrior's might, Yet the Lock near to Florence shoud certainly race And succumb to the Fowl on the Flight. May my vaticination provide powder and shot oa the Partridges on the First to you and other Honourable Patrons, who were strangely forgetful on the 12th of this Month of Your trusty Tyke, Darsy Jones. TIPS FOR TRAVELLERS. Topp.Lex1Ns is anxious to take his family to Mars this summer, and inquires where he can hire a speedy balloon for the pur- pose. He is anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the roads are good for bicycling. He is re- commended to apply for information to the Astronomer-Royal, But why should Tod- dekins trouble to go so far afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense of a return-ticket would be saved. Anxious Moruger.—So glad that you intend taking your dear ten children to Poppleton-on-Sea for three weeks’ change of air. And all that you tell me about Trmorny’s pet rabbit and Seiina’s last attack of measles is so deeply interesting. Unfortunately I cannot answer all your uestions myself, but I will print them on so that some of my kind readers may be able to assist you. You want to know, in regard to Poppleton— (1) Whether the pavements (if any) are stone or asphalte. (2) What is the mean tem ture, the annual rain-fall, and the death-rate. (3) What are the Rector’s “ views,” and if there is a comfortable pew in the church, out of draughts, calculated to hold eleven. (4) What time the shops at Poppleton close on Saturdays. Dtsiovs.—As you say, it is difficult to make up one’s mind where to spend the holidays, because there are so many places from which to choose. And you were so wise to write and ask me to give you the name of one single place which I could thoroughly recommend, and so save you all |further worry. How about Brighton, | Hastings, Eastbourne, Béxhill, Seaford, | Cowes, Weymouth, Exmouth, Penzance, | Lynton, or Tenby? I am delighted to give | you this real and valuable help! | Pronic-Party.—You have my full sym- | pathy. It is most churlish of riparian owners to refuse to allow strangers to land on their property. Fancy any one object- ing to having his lawn cov with broken bottles and ae bags! Ovma~t | eel deeply for you. The way in which trippers on the river invade river- side gardens is outrageous. The bags and pieces of glass they leave about must be a | gross disfigurement to your lawn. VOL, CXV,

Page 4

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 27, 1898,

waa hy Wi \ La) ') » Sf - ~ sa N= tt eT . ~~ x TSUN \ = SSN . SS ess iw ar ES a) 7 \, ‘Mh nd AN . Vat, ““MARRIAGE. LINES.” ** Sure svcn A PAIR WERE NEVER SEEN So JUSTLY FORMED To MEET—BsY STATUTE.” (Fancy Subject, representing the Union of Hearts and Hands between Mr. L. 0, & D. Co. and Miss 8.-E. Railway, in the presence of the Presiding Genius.)

— eR meemenin 7

Page 5

aa | Avoust 27, 1898,] __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 87 FEEDING UP TO DATE. No longer let the butcher ga: Deiae cet Sky Ne nee ae cook a ising For Doctor Some One igo that's Has found a substitute, you see ; So meat as food in future we .” Must drop. The dishes that were once our joy The Doctor now doth ban; No more the tasty saveloy” Shall sputter in the The tender chick, the juiey steak, The outlet. brown we must forsake— The Doctor’ Nae only make man. To think what folk will come to! Meat! Is decency all fled That human men should ever eat A horrid cow that’s dead ? No! no! let others feast their fill On roa morsels ae grill— We take a lozenge or a pi Instead. When to their City banquets throng Fat aldermen in scores, To listen to orations-‘long By after-dinner bores, We, all ethereal as a'star, Our capsule take, and there we are! All coarser meats we leave to car- nivores. We do not toss through restless nights In Indigestion’s spasm, We do not see wild nightmare — And shriek like one that “has ’em ” ; We eat not lobster salad—no! Nor foie gras when to bed we go, We merely sip a drop of pro- ; toplasm. ay Baw are perfect, for you see, odstuffs they contain, Acosta to the Doctor, we Can ne’er be ill again ; And yet I sometimes think a meal Would somehow make me seem more real— At times I almost long to feel A pain. THE PROMOTER’S VADE MECUM. (Subject to Revision after the Vacation.) Question. What is meant by the premo- tion of a company ? Answer. The — of separating capi- tal from its Q. How is this or accomplished ? A. By the preparation and publication of a prospectus. Q. Of what does a prospectus consist ? A. A front page and a statement of facts. Q. Define a front page. A. The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the lath concealing the qu e—occasionally Q. Of what is a front page composed ? A. Titles, and other suggestions of re- spectability. Q. How are these suggestions obtained ? A. In the customary fashion. Q. Cana banking account be put to any particular service in the promotion of a company ? A. Certainly ; it eases the wheels in all directions. Q. Can it obtain the good-will of the Press ? A. Only Sige eaases Ser short-lived peri ——— 5 ae a — . - Py. Ma " @ Snéoks (to new acquaintance), ft TEU YER WHAT, LOOK IN ONE EVENIN’ AND "AVE A BIT or Svrrer; iF YOU DON'T MOND. ’AVIN’ IT PEOPLE, AXD DON’T PUT ON NO SIDE. If ay THY DRAWING-ROOM!” |: 1s THE Kitcuen. YER SER, WE'RE PLAIN Or covnex, | know As A Torr LIKE You ‘UD ‘ave Q. Bat the . destination: of :the cash scarcely ‘affects the promoter ?.» A. No; for he loses in-any cdse. .Q. How much of his profits does be some wa ee Moc rmumatances, f a ng ci rom three-fifths to nineteen-twentieths of his g. 7 werrneres promotion, do tor the A. De nsoin bestows upon him tempo- A. Yes, by reg Le gL amr THE TIME OF ROSES. (“Sir Wittsam Vennow Harcourt travelled to Hertford in a saloon carriage decorated with roses.” — Daily Paper.} To Hertford town there travelled down Our own, our sweet Sir W. Most honoured knight, while all was bright, Did really nothing trouble you ? “A fair were everywhere, you were passing merry ; Did — — one floweret, that bears a berry? Arrnornists Fact.—Mr. Powr1t, hav- ing won the Wi Sculls, is now Ama- teur Head lad on the river.

Page 6

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 27, 1898. AN IDYLLIC ISLAND. Waen we came to Amsterdam, we de- termined, Pasuiey, Suretiirr and I, that we would take the earliest op rtunity | seeing Marken. Wonderful — by all| accounts. Little island, only from mainland, full of absolutely unsophis- ticated inhabitants. Most of them have never left Marken—no idea of the one beyond it! Everybody contented and ~~ two miles | being treated like a show. We shouldn’t like it ourselves ! That may be, but, as Pasniey retorts, it’s the Markeners’ own fault. They shouldn’t be so beastly picturesque. Fine buxom girl approaches, carrying pail On closer view, not precisely a girl —in fact, a matron of mature years. These long, brown side-curls deceptive at a dis- tance, impression, as she s, of a kind of Dutch “ Little Toddlekins "- view of — oes. “ Fishermen strolling about in baggy black knickerbockers.” equal; costumes quaint; manners simple and dignified. Sort of Arcadia, with dash of Utopia. And here we are—actually at Marken, just landed by sailing-boat from Monnick- endam. All is peaceful and picturesque. Scat- tered groups of little black cottages with scarlet roofs,on mounds. Fishermen strol- ling about in baggy black knickerbockers, woollen stockings, and wooden shoes. Women and girls all dressed alike, in crimson bodice and embroidered skirt ; little cap with one long brown curl dangling coquettishly in front of each ear. Small children—miniature replicas of their elders wander lovingly, hand in hand. A few urchins dart off at our approach, like startled fawns, and disappear amongst the cottages. Otherwise, our arrival attracts no attention. The women go on with their outdoor work, cleaning their brilliant brass and copper, washing and hanging out their bright-hued cotton and linen garments, with no more than an occasional shy side- glance at us from under their tow-coloured fringes. “Perfectly unconscious,” as Smirtiurr observes, enthusiastically, “ of how unique and picturesque and idyllic they are!” All the more wonderful; because excur- sion steamers run every day during the season from Amsterdam. We walk up and down rough steps and along narrow, winding alleys. S#Hrrr.irr says he “ feels such a bounder, going about staring at everything as if he was at Earl’s Ccurt.” Thinks the Markeners must hate broad back and extensive tract of fat, bare neck under small cap. She turns round and intimates by expressive pantomime that her cottage is close by, and if we would care to inspect the interior, we are heartily welcome. Uncommonly friendly of her. Pasuuey and I are inclined to accept, but Surrtiirr dubious—we may have misunder- stood her. We really can’t go crowding in like a parcel of trip Little Toddlekins, an quite keen about it; sees us hesitate, uts down pail and beckons us on sound corner with crooked forefinger, like an elderly Siren. How different this simple, hearty hospita- lity from the sort of reception foreigners would get from an English fishwife! We can’t refuse, or we shall hurt her feelings. “But whatever we do,” urges SHIRtiirr, “we mustn’t dream of offering her money. She ’d be most tremendously insulted.” Of course, we quite understand that. It would be simply an outrage. We un- cover, and enter, apologetically. Inside, an elderly fisherman is sitting by the hearth mending a net; a girl is leaning in graceful, negligent attitude against table by window. Neither of them takes the slightest notice of us, which is embarrass- Afraid we really are intruding. How- ever, our hostess—good old soul—has a natural tact and kindliness that soon us at our ease. Shows us everything. tained recesses in wall, where they go to bed. “Very curious —so comfortable!” Delft plates and painted shelves and cup- boards. “Most decorative!” Caps and bodices worn by females of the family. “ Charming ; such artistic colour!” School so neatly written!” What is she = us u ? Oh, in Winter, the sea comes in above the 1 of the’ wainscot. “Really? How very convenient!” We don’t mean this, but we are so anxious to please and be that our enthusiasm is degenerating into drivel. Girl by the window contemplates us with growing contempt ; and no wonder. High time we went. uittle Toddlekins at the end of her tether ; looks at us as if to imply that she has done her part. Next move must come from us. Passaiey consults us in an under- tone. “ Perhaps, after all, she does expect, eh? What do we think ? Would half a gulden—— What?” Personally, I think it might, but Smer- Lirr won't hear of it. “ y not. On no account! At all events, kA ll be no party to it. He will simply’ thank her, shake hands, and walk out.” Which he does. I do the same. He may be right, and anyhow, if one of us is to run the risk of offending’ this matron’s by the offer of a gratuity, Pasuizy will do it better than f PasHiey overtakes us sently, looking distinctly uncomfortable. “ Did be tip her?” “Yes, he tipped her.” “And she flung it after you!” cries Surrt- LIFF, in triumph. “I knew she would! Now I hope you ’re satisfied!” “If I am, it’s more than she was,” says Paseiey. “She stuck to it all t, but she let me see it was nothing like what she’d expected for the three of us.” Suirgturr silent but unconvinced. How- ever, a8 We go on, we see a beckoning fore finger at almost every door and win- dow ve anxious that we should wal pay for the privilege. All of them, as ASHLEY disgustedly observes, “On "the make”; got some treasured heirloom that tal wo ns with children’s exercises, “ in ’ Markener into his little parlour—and “ Little Toddlekins quite keen about it.” has been in the family without intermis- sion for six months, and that they would be willing to part with, if pressed, for a

Page 7

er, ht, it le. 2” RT- id! ys yut w- in- we nd he at Aveusr 27, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 89 consideration. We don’t press them; in fact, we are obliged at last to decline their artless invitations—to their unconcealed disgust. Nice people, very, but can’t afford to know too many of them. “At least the children are unspoilt,” says SHIRTLIFF, as we come upon a couple of chubby infants, walking solemnly hand in hand as usual. He protests, when PasHLey insists on presenting them with a cent, or one fifth of an English penny, apiece. “Why demoralise them, yi stil the love of money into their innocent minds?” Sairtiirr wants to know. Fancy we have compromised all claims at last. Ro; Marken infantry still harassing our rear. What more do they want? It appears that we have not paid the baby, which is an important extra on these occa- sions, and which they carry after us in state as an unsatisfied creditor and a werful appeal to our consciences. Adult bene come out, and seem to be ex- changing remarks (with es' to SurrtTiirr, who is ial reference as the chief in-| culprit) on the meanness that is capable of bilking an innocent or: “ What I like about Marken,” says Pasu- “* BSternly demanding five cents a head.” He is delighted when they exhibit no sort of emotion on being thus enriched. It shows, he says, that, as yet, they have no conception what money means. The pair have toddled off towards a gathering of older children, and Pasuuzy, who has brought a Kodak, wonders if he can induce them to stay as they are while he takes a snapshot. Suirtiirr protests again. Only spoil them, make them con- ceited and self-conscious, he maintains. But the children have seen the Kodak, and are er to be taken. One of them produces a baby from neighbouring cottage, and they arrange themselves instinctively in effective group by a fence. Pasutzy delighted. “Awfully intelli- gent little beggars!” he says. “They seem to know exactly what I want.” They also know exactly what they want, for the moment they hear the camera click, they make a rush at us, sternly demanding five cents a head for their services. SHIRTLIFF very severe with them; not one copper shall they have from him ; not a matter of pence, but principle, and they had better go away at once. They don’t; they hustle him, and some of the taller iris nudge him viciously in the ribs with arp elbows, as a hint that “an immediate settlement is requested.” Pasuuiry and I do the best we can, but we soon come to the end of our Dutch coins. However, no doubt English pennies will—— Not a bit of it! Even the chubby infants don’t consider them legal tender here, and reject them with open scorn. LEY, when we are safely on board our sail- ing boat, to which we have effected a rather ignominious retreat, “what I like about Marken is the beautiful simplicity and un- worldliness of the natives. Didn’t that strike you, Suretuirr ? ” We gather from Suretiirr’s reply that he failed to observe these characteristics. “WHAT PRICE PATRIOTISM?” (A Note of Proceedings picked up near the Admiralty during the Recess.) THE deputation was introduced. “ Yes,” said the first Enthusiast, ‘‘ there is no doubt that men in thousands might be obtained.” “‘ Very good indeed,” replied the Cabinet Minister. ** And then forts might be erected in all directions,” said a second spokesman. ** Capital !” responded the representative of the Government. ‘‘ And then guns and ammunition could be supplied with limitless celerity,”’ shouted a third. ** Admirable!”’ was again the commen- tary. Then came a silence. The eloquent oratory for the moment was exhausted. The Statesman ‘“‘hemed” and ‘ hahed” for a moment. ** And bow about the cost ’” he ventured to suggest at lact. ‘Oh, that will have to be paid by the Mother Country,” was the prompt answer. _And so the Cabinet Minister is left con- sidering. And if it comes to that, so is the Mother Country. A RIVERIE. (By the Bard in Uhambers. ) Ovrsrpg this — ’Tis scorching hot. Branch-shaded boat In which we float, Then idly dream And watch the stream. A cigarette With you, my pet, Content to rest At ease, and best Of all to see You close to me. Tis afternoon, And will be soon The time for tea — ow woe is - ae e pictures fade, No leds glade Above me grows, No river flows Beneath my feet, And you, my sweet, Have also flown ; I am alone,— , Alone, in gloom, In this dull room, Surrounded by A pile of dry Dull legal works In which there lurks A certain case Which I must trace, And bring to light The wrong and right, And override The other side. THE MUSCOVITE “W. G.” A Fancy Portrait by a Russian Artist, [According to a t of the Standard the Moscow Gazette says that “ Dr. W. G. Guacs will be long known as the champion player at— Croquet!"

Page 8

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aucusr 27, 1898, First Girl. “IT was I8 FRONT LAST NIGHT, DEAR, TO SEE YOU PLAY JULI#T.” But YOU NEEDN'T HAVE TALKED 80 LOUD ALL THROUGH MY BE T SCENES.” Second Girl. “Yes, | KNOW YoU WERE. First Girl. ‘‘On, BUT YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN, DEAR, IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN I. I NEVER TALK IN MY SLEEP!” = LE MONDE ov L'ON 8S'AFFICHE. IlI.—Tas Avrnor-Lecrvrer, Tene is another way that none may tread But whoso has a halo round his head ; Who, whether Nature leaves his apex bare Or nicely coated with a wealth of hair, Arranges, like the milking-maid, to base The nucleus of fortune on his face. Expreesly chartered at a lordly wage, He stands in beauty’s strength upon the stage, Perusing to a fine and cultured crowd His own selected efforts out aloud, Or lecturing the literary Press Upon the methods which command suc- oe Rs Maidens that dote and women that adore All drinking in his charms at every pore. Dight in a dress that suits the brilliant scene, Rich knickerbockers wrought of velveteen, Or else in evening-wear whose very hem Scarce would the London Tailor dare con- demn, Awhile he poses in a weary trance To give the wonder-stricken pit a chance, Then, if he boasts the kind of hairy crown Which means an extra forty dollars down, Just runs his fingers through the wavy crop While in the h you hear a hair-pin drop ; Till with a st adied smile of high disdain He breaks at last the agonising strain, Lifts up his tawny voice and lets it go, And in a burst of passion blent with woe, Where all the notes of nightingales occur, Becomes (like Heaven) his own Interpreter. There is to prophets, so I understand, A certain charm in some one else’s land ; For when our native products cross the sea They are devoured with more avidity. That is to say, in doing foreign nations The author runs to higher valuations ; His figure being only vaguely known, They very kindly take him at his own ; Which estimate is entered in the bond And backed by BAaxnum’s or by Major Ponp. : Whereas, at home, it is another case, For Oe we see the prophet’s frequent ace ; Perchance we have that best of annual treats When the Society of Authors eats ; Or find him feeding in a friendly way At houses where you haven’t got to pay. And if from oversight, or other reason, Patrons omit to ask him in the season, We still may hope—most happily for us— To brush against him in an omnibus ; Or sometimes even see him in the street eae - the pavement with his wingéd eet ; Where anybody has a perfect right To watch him till he trickles out of sight. But over there, where people read his books, But know not, save in pictures, how he looks, =. Where still the hero draws a fancy price For sniffing up the fumes of sacrifice, There men will freely fling the careless dollar Simply to see a section of his collar, Girding the sacred column which sustains The beetling bulk of those abnormal brains— A sight that well repays the entrance-pelf, Being an education in itself ;— Will sit on wooden planks, in mortal anguish, To watch the poet’s lovely glances languish ; Will cross a continent’s complete expanse, To scan the brow that schemed the brave romance ; And die of suffocation just to wring The veritable hand that wrote the thing. Thus ae be worked, with small expense of wit, The Man-and-Author’s Mutual Benefit ; For such as read the latter’s verse or, prose Will take a stall to view thé former’s nose ; While those that pay to see the Man’s complexion Will go and buy the Author’s. whole col- lection. What wonder, then, if, there across the main, Ricwarp Le Narcrsse” is himself in, And tonsured AnrHony, our only Hope, With this temptation really could not cope. * “ Un narcisse—One who is enamoured of himeelf.”"— Dict. Fr.

Page 9

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 27, 1898. a Ores PEACE!—AND AFTER? Sram (to Unciz Sam). ‘WELL, YOU WANTED HIM! YOU'VE GOT HIM! YOU JOY OF HIM!!” AND I WISH

Page 10

Page 11

Aveust 27, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARL 93 2 an ss. 4 Cee — ‘ ‘a> an a % “1 7 PVM YY ty * —-—sé=*7 j Zé J . ts acy bee . : “ Leak. a ~ ae va, i ; Ramet - » = ea jp A SLL ¢ o// ON’ THE SANDS AT OSTEND. Master Tom (knowledge of French—nil). “1 say, Mademoiselle po I cat you Mapam, on Mapymorseitie?” . “WHEN ONE DOES NOT KNOW, ONE SAYS MADAME, ¥'E8T OZ PAS, MonsizuR!” AS NOW WORN; OR, THE CENTS’ ARBITER OF FASHION. Now that the Golden Youth, it appears, have their own fashion-paper, it is quite incumbent on Mr. Punch to publish a column for the guidance of the inexperienced in the all-im- portant matter of male costume. ey one being now out of town, the following remarks are chiefly for the benefit of seaside and country readers :— Dear Basit,—Silk hats may now be put away for a few weeks. The black cloth band should be removed, as it has had its day, and a cordon noir of silk, exactly one-and-a-quarter inch in width, should be substituted. Oil the chapeau slightly and wrap in tissue — With a little care it may be made to do for the Autumn. If the edges are worn, they may be very successfully ae — a rim-Blackener. I do - recommend for this purpose eye-brow -paint used by actresses, as this has a tendency to come off in a shower, and it is as well to avoid having sable streaks across one’s countenance. See that your head-gear is well blocked before being put awa for the recess, as it may be required for a school-treat or a sud- den emergency, and an esceslion shape is not favoured in the best circles. I prophesy that next winter’s mode will be the castor américain. Fashion still smiles on the straw-hat, and has temporarily relegated the bowler to the background. I saw a charming chapeau de paille the other day worn by a débutant on the East- bourne Esplanade. The straw was in two thi , jaune on the upper side of the brim, and verte underneath, casting a very becoming n shade over his complexion. A risqué note was added to this confection. I noticed the vivid scarlet and green colours of the best of the Bohemian Clubs peeping through a slit in the black ribbon round the hat. Cravates are worn this season as usual round the neck. Some of the best mondains are having them made of beige or foulard in the new choufleur design. Do not let them ruck over the back of the collar. This is too negligé. They may be pinned on to the front of the shirt, though this rather spoils the look of the shirt-front, if you require it for evening-dress. It is as well, therefore, always to have a spare clean shirt, and this should not be beyond the means of the fashionable aspirant. If your collars or shirts are at all frayed at the edges, have them neatly trimmed. You can generally beg or borrow a pair of nail-scissors for this purpose. lIron-mould spots should always be carefully aspinalled in a dead white tint. It is almost im- possible then for them to be detected. : Frock-coate, at this time of the year, should be sprinkled with pepper or camphor (to keep away the moth) and stowed awa securely. No clubbiste who is bien mis will appear on the san or elsewhere in public in such a ent combined with white flannels and a straw hat. Yet, I regret to say, I have seen this done. , Now is the time to use Messrs. Knicx-nacks’ Patent Anti-bag Trouser-stretchers. Truly wonderful effects are sometimes pro- duced by these invaluable accessories to a genteel wardrobe. Never be seen with worn-out and unravelled trouser-ends, Let them invariably be repaired by the local snip. Do not, however, start on a round of visits without an extra ten-and-sixpenny pair. Borrowed continuations somehow never look well. Knickerbockers are not without their oqentian. They can readily be constructed out of unmentionables that have seen their day, and may sometimes be very effectively hed, 80 as to look like riding-breeches. This gives the distinguished ap- pearance, which no modern élégant can afford to ne . I have some useful wrinkles on cummerbunds, hat-guards, and per cuffs, also a marvellous recipe for removing the shiny look rom cloth, but I regret that considerations of space prerent me giving them at present. 4 Pa : So, much against my will, I bring this interesting letter to a conclusion—for the present. Man has at length found his destiny —to dress. With sincere regards, Yours ruralising, By the sad sea waves. ZupwHYEKs. (Please don’t forward.)

Page 12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aveust 27, 1898,

WIllll yi i Ale aaah BD. 9 "| iy ih

sh see: by NS ¥ nt \t Ss wine wanes sant ** ANA

“THE PRIVATE SECRETARY” AT THE FOREIGN OFFICE. The Rev, Arth-r B-lf-r. “Do vou xxNow, we're TAKING QUTTE’A DISLIKE To You! IF you GO ON PUSHING IN THIS RUDE WAY WR SHAE REALLY HAVE TO BURT YOU DREAD- rULLY! 1 pow'T KNOW THAT WE BROULDN’T HAVE Wy 2S ANOTHER HARBOUR SOME- wHere'” = SPORTIVE SONGS. Or rdthell a Thatch: I am too’ weak To vertture of athletic freak * An Indolent Fellow proposes himself to a Brisk I never when I can tide. De a and deplores his constibudional in- | in ghorta: bap paregeid slot! seth . activi ailany ; I NEVER was a restless man, wt yorhare rush wn anh for both, ou ve youth.— AB peta: am oe good eno < ame —_

Impatient to be up and toil, I always walked when others ran, They finished up when I began, oR more, eweetheart R; I simmered while they yearned to boil. erelood I never was an ardent swain ay Hk PATE To urge my suit with cries and tears, ae tosen, OF PATE. I played at “cut and come a ibe / Dialog abot To-morro.) And never felt the secret pai : vi, at a “Sale w. Work” at the That fills the heart with yee and fears. | Palmist discoverel. ** doing”. an I never was the one to go eae And mix with speculative cares, o-Bnquinee.AX es, it is cortainl true that I The Stock Exchange I do just know | have seen it. several times. the measles By sight, but that is all; and so tand h as a child. I never trouble “ bulls” or “bears.” Palrhist.cAhd you are very fond of com- I’ve never climbed an Alpine peak, | pany thongs though) sometimes prefer to be at Or in a foot-race tried my stride, t TE mean, you like seclusion. '

a Yes, 1 think so. At least, “pelmiet, And you are very generous, but cautious. And you do not sufficiently —— your talents. Yes, you are very - Well—really—I don’t know. But can’t you tell me of the future ? Palmiat. Yes; 1 see you are going to have a journey shortly. Enquirer. Stran, I have promised to go to a dinner in yswater this a Palmist. And you are to have a num of honours. You have not been knighted? irer. No, of course not. he mist. Well, you will be. Soon, very irer. Indeed. Can you say when ? "Enquire Oh, in a year or two. And you are to be fortunate in your heart interests. You are not married ? Enquirer. Well, no—not at present. Palmist. You will soon be. There may be some slight retard, but before you are sixty you will certainly have a wife. Enquirer. Dear me. How strange ! I am absolutely engaged, and accordin Ruseday arrangements, am to be marri uesda Palmiet. Did I not say so! Ah! here is a little cross. You will lose some money. And now I am afraid I must attend to some one else. Enquirer. Thank you so much. (Aside to himself as he retires.) Of course, the honours and the journey and the marriage were all rot. But why did she say I was going to lose some money? Of course it’s all nonsense, but I wonder where and how I’m going to lose the money ! [Left pondering. — -

AFTER THE HOOLEYBALOO! (‘* While he (Mr. Justice Wricut) acquitted Lord De 1a Ware of any detire to procure the debtor to give false evidence, he declared that ~ was not wholly guiltless of indiscretion far as the matter of the promixe of £1,000 is re cerned, if Lord De La Wakr is guilty, I have no doubt that Mr. Broao.ey is much more guilty.” tandard’s Summary and Report, Thursday, Auuguat 18. } “In love and ”—business— fair, ” foe De ta Warr la fortune de la overs, is course towards a peaceful haven sh So Broap.ey who so narrowly escape The Hooleybaloo is over, for the ae And things all round are being made quite pleasant. ‘everything is ren I commit an—“ indiscretion,” say— pe for which there’s penalty to pay, Mas be pare a Wright good Judge be rough And then be Wrightly sentenced by the Court. Mercy has tempered Justice. Every one Herein agrees that Justice has been done.

At Brussels. Mrs. Trickleby (pointing to announce- ment in grocer’s window, and spelling it out). Jambon d’Yorck. What’s that mean, Mr. T.? Mr. T. (who is by way of being a lingwist). Why, good ire preserves, of course. - What did you suppose it was— Dundee marmalade ?

Page 13

Aveust 27, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 95 ay — || = | 7 ed | Commander, ‘‘ WHAT 18 YOUR COMPLAINT AGAINST THIS’ Boy?’ Bluejacket. ““ We.., Str, As I WAS A-WALKIN’ ARPT,’ THIS "¥ YOU LIKE TO BE CALLED 4 BLoomin’ Ipjit, suPpPostN’ You WasN’T! Boy, "8 UR AN’ OaLLs ME A BLoomin’ Ipsir. Now, ‘ow wou.p ong!” ‘ ’ A POLITE EDUCATION, (Vide an article, ‘‘A plea for better instruction in. Manners,” in the current ‘* Nineteenth Centwry.”’) In obedience to your instructions, writes our own Prophetica} Interviewer, I journeyed to Chesterfield College, where our boys are taught that studied courtesy of manner, which, it’ i8 tow recognised, is a far more necessary part of education than classics or mathematics. I was soceivell’ 9 the Principal, who tcok great pains to explain his system to me. “Yes,” he said, in answer to. my questions, “the greatest trouble is taken to ensure that every pupil shall be taught the very best kind of manners. Not only are lectures given. daily on deportment and the art of polite conversation, Bat we see that the principles laid down are carried out even in play-time. In old days the conversation of boys while playing cricket or football used to be disgracefully crude and unpolished; but if you will kindly accompany me, i think I can show you ‘how: we ve improved this feature of school-life.” ; So saying, he led the way to the cricket-ground,: where the | pupils of Chesterfield College were engaged in the natiqnal! game. ae approached, one of the batsmen put’ away a ball: through the slips. “May I enquire, Sir,” he asked, addressing the batsman at the other end, “whether in your opinion we should be’ justified in attempting a run?” , “T fear it is impossible,” aed the other, which indeed it was, as by the time these speeches were finished, ,the :ball was ia the wicket-keeper’s hands. However, both batsmen kept up their wickets, and the captain decided to make a e " “ Smrra Minor,” he shaved addressi the or, “with infinite pain I am compelled to ask you to hand over the ball to Brown. Smita Minor bowed profoundly, and replied, * My greatest happiness, Sir, is to carry out your commands.” And aecord; ingly Brown went on to bowl. Shortly afterwards, one of the batsmen put up an easy chance to point, who, however, failed to hold the ball. “ Butterfingers!” sereamed a small boy in the out-field. The Principal turned towards him, angrily. “Go indoors, Sir!” he cried, “and write out ‘two hundred lines for addressing one of your fellow-pupils in that unseemly manner.” Presently a ball struck a bateman’s pad. “ How’s that ?” asked the bowler. “ Jounson !” cried the Principal, verningly “T mean to say,” said the bowler, hastily correcting himself, “thay I trotfble you for your views as to the respective positions of Maes ts 's eg gud the! wicket?” The” iclpal looked at ‘me for approval. “ Wonderful what an improvement our system makes, isn’t. it?” he said, “and it’s so strange that the old barbarous language was tolerated at schools for so many years.” I congratulated him on his success’and prepared to leave. As I did’ so, T tioticed for the first time an inscription over the hy College} - “That,” said the Principal, “i an adaptation of a motto be- longi $6'Grie Of the schools of the bad old kind. It runs, you see,‘ Maninérisins Makyth Prigs.’” ¢ 0h % ) | ye ee eae + mm BT SB Wants Loxpow Warr ?—And if so, for how long, before the daily increasing: rufhanism of the: London “ Larrikins,” thieves, and roughs, both.ef.the East and West End, is summarily dealt with and ut down by farce majeure? The sufferers in these districts are ‘ intimidated,” and net come forward to give evidence. According, to' the magistrate, a scoundrel may have his fingers in somebody: else's pockets, but unless he succeeds in anne abstracting a halfpenny, he cannot be sentenced as a thief! Don't» spare the eat, and then you'll spoil the little game of thieving, murderous Larrikin. If the magistrates’ hands dre so wedk, let them be strengthened at once. Peace-abiding, police- supporting, rate+paying citizens are forced to form themselves into bodies ef; “specials” with police-drill. ye not patrol these districts with) volunteers doing sentry-duty, provided with « stout truncheon in place of side-arms ? bably, as is our way in England; no drastic: measure will be adopted until murder bea qlaceypans® these ruffians of the Larrikin type in the hands of Mr. Sohn’ Ketch. Jt: seems that the magisterial and police poliey ig to. give these pests as much rope as possible in the bo that they," get one more length of hemp added to it on t gallows. |‘ But surely, is not prevention far better than cure?

Page 14

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aucust 27, 1898. 2 Vette SPEED THE PARTING GUEST. “T have done the State some service, and they know ’t.” Othello, Act V., Se. 2. Mr. Punch (with real emotion, to retiring American Ambassador). ‘*Goop-svg, YouR EXcCELLENCY, AND GOOP LUCK GO WITH YOU. You won't FORGET US ON THE OTHER SIDE!” OSTEND. Tere are several ways of getting through the day at Ostend, where the day is about as long as at other seaside resorts, or per- haps rather longer. The simplest plan is to sit in the morning on the terrace of the Kursaal and chatter, till it is time to go to déjeuner, to do the same in the afternoon, till it is time to go to dinner, and to repeat this amusement in the evening, till it is time to go to bed. The next morning you begin again. In this way you avoid all needless exertion. Another plan is, in the morning, to stand in the sea. If you are very brave you go in up to your waist, and if you are very strong you splash a little water on your chést, but you never wet your head for fear of hurting your hair. You may wear a straw hat as a protection from the sun, and, if you are a German, you may add a pair of spectacles. The only disadvantage of this plan is that about four thousand people want, the four hundred bothinequnshines. If you are a woman, you flounder about on wet sand and never get a caline at all. If you are a man, you take off your boots and socks, wade in up to your knees, and pursue the machine in the water. The chasse aur cabines is fine exercise, but it is hardly luxurious. By standing in the sea you begin the day comfortably cool. In the afternoon you ken the race- course, the pigeon-shooting ground, the pier, or the promenade, or you can sit down if you like. pastimes make you con- siderably warmer. In the evening you have a choice of two laces to stand in. One of them is the dancing-room of the Casual. where the temperature is about ninety degrees. You can dance if you wish. The other is the gambling-room, where the temperature is about one hundred and fifty s. You stand here in a dense crowd, reach over the heads of the few who have obtained chairs, and lose as many louis as you like. A third system is to linger over your caf¢-au-lait till it is nearly time for déjeuner, to prolong your déjewner with coffee and liqueurs until about the time of the fivocklock, when you have a glass of port, or a scherry gobbler, and, beginning dinner soon after seven, to go on with this till half-past ten, or later, when all the other diners have left the restaurant, and the weary waiters have piled all the other chairs upon all the other tables. But this system will ruin your system after a time. It is believed by some that there are excellent concerts in the Kursaal every evening from 7.30 to 9. But to hear them at such am impossible time one must go without dinner altogether, which no one can do. In fact, there is reason to believe that nobody ever did get to these concerts. Once, when VANDERBLANK and I had sather hurried over our coffee and cigarettes in his véranda —the vérandas of Ostend are very pleasant in hot weather—we arrived at the Kursaal just in time to see some men with violins disappearing from the orchestra. Since then I have considered veel retber an authority on the Ostend concerts, having got as near hearing one as that. Rostnson THE Rover. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Ir the title had not be apovenstaay in quite other regions, Mrs. Humpury Warp might well, my Baronite imagines, have called ber last novel The Runaway Girl. At all critical epochs of her interesting life the heroine of Helbeck of Bannisdale (Suara, Exiper) runs away. Thus bolts when her unwel- come lover, Hubert Mason, wants to conduct her over the sands. She flies from Bannisdale after she has accepted the offer of its lord’s hand; and at last——- No, it would not be fair even to hint at the “at last.” But this is so frivolous, and there is nothing of frivolity about this story. It is rather a stately narrative of a rofound tragedy in two human lives. Both are skilfully drawn. ura Fountain, with her bright nature, her capacity for over- whelming love, and her tapestry pane ic training; Helbeck, a bit of old of a nineteenth century room. He has depths of love even more plumbless than she, and he is a Catholic born and bred, a man with a private chapel attached to his ancient home, where mass is said every morning, the house swarming with priests. It will be seen that here is a difficult situation, rough-hewn and finished with a master hand. Dicky Monteith, by Tom Gatton (where’s Harry? Horomr- aon, the publisher, my ite supposes, makes up the immortal triumvirate), is none of your novels with a purpose, freckled with women with a t. It is a right-down, downright melo- dramatic story, in ich the wicked are punished even in this world, and injured innocence comes to its own. Dicky is an amiable, good-hearted, not particularly strong-headed fellow, who has muddled away his own and other people’s money. After which, he works apparently twenty-four hours a day, earns very little, and shares it with the ; leading character in the transpontine plot is a little maid, a cross between the slavey in Our Boys 7 Swiveller’s unapproachable friend, the Marchioness. Also there is a guardian-angel sort S zone lady, who thinks nothing of surreptitiously conveying to man she loves mysterious ng containing notes for £100, and finally Go a cheque for £2,500 to save him from what the little maid aforesaid calls “the Coppers.” A pretty story, with plot skilfully complicated. Tae Baron ve B.-W. on the w FURTHER RULES RECULATING THE CONDUCT OF BARRISTERS. (Not submitted at the Recent General Meeting, but for use during the Long Vacation. ) A counsst finding himself in the presence of laymen, must lay down the law on every conceivable subject. In carrying the above aim into execution, he will set a General right about Army concerns, a sailor about things appertaining to the Navy, and a civilian upon all other matters. To keep up the dignity of the profession, a barrister must never permit himself to be contradicted, and insist upon his word being accepted as law. As a matter of professional etiquette, it is undesirable to give your opinion upon any point of law unless you are quite sure that you know nothing whatever about it. It is advisable to be civil to the other branch of the profession, save in public, when you must remember that your right of audience in the superior courts does not run to the solicitors. Although self-conceit is to be deprecated, it is well to remem- ber that although officers of the Army and Navy are better educated than they used to be, culture in its highest form is the exclusive property of the Bar. y If a counsel meets another counsel without recognising his forensic degree while they are both engaged in discussing an acquaintance in Common’s dinner, he will oppose his fellow guest to the death until he discovers his mistake, when he will join his “learned friend” in sitting upon the rest of the company. Finally, all men are equal, as a rule, but a barrister is in- variably an exception in particular.

Page 15

PU NCH, = THE Sansone on ,CHARIVARL. sn a a 27, 1898. — val 25s. the Gall., BOs. the Dozen. Cash only. Sample bottle post free on receipt of P.O. for 4s. fd. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., % and 2%, HART 8T., BLOOMSBURY, W.C. Sold by all Leavrwe Meacuawrs throughout Iwpta and the Cotonrzs. SKEEVIT A pleasantly perfumed preparation which absolutely prevents the bites of Mosquitos Harvest Insects, Ticks, and other veno.nous pests. It also cures prickly heat. In glass bottles suitable for pocket, at 1'- and in 2 oz. stoppered bottles at 2/- and 5 oz 4/6. Of all Chemists & Stores or post free from H. C, Srepwews, Aldersgate Street London. F..0, (Manufacturers of Stephens’ Inks.) THE MOST NUTRITIOUS, EPPS's CRATEFUL—COMFORTING COGOA ___BREAKFAST—SUPPER. WRICHT S: i =COAL = TAR: SOAP ‘Fans, 1078 a 1878: Highest Quality ; ont Durability, are therefore os. with exquisite! Fine? girBar Past ARCHITECTS, ENGINEERS, _ DRAUGHTSMEN— 170, C179, 291, 303, 431, 659. 1000. For COMPLAINTS ofthe STOMACH, LIVER, etc.. DRINK VICHY CELESTINS seu Caution : See that each bottle has a neck label with VICHY-ETAT & the name of the Sole Importers: INGRAM & ROYLE, Ltd. ,26, Upper Thames Street, LONDON, E.C. fee & SILVER, neil cases with boxes Pens bearing the registered Trade mariq ~-Mordan xCe can be obtained £ from all Jewellers & Stationers . CENTLEMEN’S WICS. Perfect Imitations of Nature. Tee linkable Matera al. a tions for self - urement on pplication PORTABLE IRON BUILDINGS \ of ore Goptotion. pate Lee rary a Bungalow orksho &c. Packed on Kail or crooked in any pert of the King 7 \ jreen houses, Summer-houser Poultry Houses, && CHAS. BOND & SON, Lists, Te ad 43, NEW BOND STREET, W. Estimates free. Me 1 also for Ladies’ Wigs ee } fend for Tiustrat Catalogue. * Beautifully Cool and Sweet Smoking.” W. COOPER, 755, O14 Kent Kd., London, 8.E Sold only in l-ounce Packets and 2, 4, and 8-ounce, and 1-lb. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in Fine Smoking Condition. Ask at all Tobacco Sellers, Stores, &c., and take no other. The genuine bears the Trade Mark, “ NOTTINGHAM CASTLE,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER'S NAVY GUT CIGARETTES, Are now obtainable in Packets containing 6 and 12, and in Tins of 24, 60, and 100. The “ MAGNUMS” Pe ee ae Cases containing 6, and in Tins 16, © 100. | IF YOU APPRECIATE QUALITY THE FAMOUS UAM-VAR SCOTCH WHISKY And you will not be disappointed. INNES & GRIEVE Lro., EDINBURGH & LONDON. YEERINC'S St. CopENHAGEN CHERRY BRANDY. The Best liqueur — yy Tn Sk only. See Acaric Trade Mark is on Stud and Clip No elastic round leg to give VYaricuse veins. Protected hy Patents and Trade Marks at Home and A broad, SOLD EVERYWHERE. THE The special amalgam of steel — imitation FAMOUS he ne uine unless the regis 1 ‘ — rade- mark, “The Mab.” PRICE on handle a8 ‘Pain ™ ec —, RAZOR "=. % “MAB” Co., 73 Newhall &., Birmingham, The lovely nuance “ Chitein PFonete * ; he ima, ed to Hal) of an a, Sooke Sue Sold only by W WINT Price 6s, éd., Ws, 6d., Zia saan oe ted Mair MMINE ie yh as Food

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevust 27, 1898.

HOWARD BEDFORD Ploughs, Harrows, Cultivators, Haymakers, Horse Rakes, Straw Trussers, Mowers, Hay Presses, Oil Engines, & Light ways.

SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD

MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co. Lro. AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad,

No Camera is a KODAK ualess

made by the Eastman Company. FOLDING Folds flat like a book. Opens with a touch. POCKET Goes into any pocket. Ideal for the cycle. KODAK. BROOKE'S No Dark Room needed 'Won't Wash Clothes. MONKEY BRAND SOAP Won't Wash Clothes. for changing films. FO R ; Price £ ‘ var **5-—_KITGHEN TABLES & FLOORS, LINOLEUM. & OIL-GLOTH. vent Ofte ne <4 | FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY BATHS, STAIA-RODS. 43. Clerkenwell Road, LONDON, E.C FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, Wak &o. Ret Branches », Cheapside, EC REMOVES _RUST, DIRT, STAINS, _TARNISH, ce. | 117, Oxtord Street, W rrr. Regent Streere W POUDRE 1 CHOCOLAT vous. DAMOUR] fie MENIER. ™2see Frame, is Prepared by Picard Fréres, = Pe eet pry tanaet a | FOR BREAKFAST. Sat ie es ae A TOILET POWDER aie on™ COMPLEXION,| PMMEMMMEMRIE AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS| CELLULAR For Joughness of the Skin, : AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. DRESS SHIRTS. After Shaving, etc. HBALTH FEST xo = mnt RVENING WEAR. if . - a 9 a So Eee ere eee Darcy “Cowsomprion; 50° Tons. | “= *, es lot Of PERFUMERS, CHEMISTS, &e. | out ai B ath, ¥. Wise ee Ee | SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE.

William 8 Smith, of No. 30, Lorai Hollo te Pariah of 9¢, Mery. leingten, tm the County of Middlesex, at the Printing er Printed Wlaburd Street, in the Precinct of Whitetriar, im the Oity of Loudon, ana published Uy him at Mv. 65, Fleet Street, in the Parish of Serene nee