Punch 1898-08-20: Vol 115 Iss 2980

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Q ILLUSTRATED WITH CARTOONS AND SKETCHES FROM THE PouiticAL LIFE mz Rt. Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE | - A HISTORY. ILLUSTRATED FROM ‘‘ PUNCH.’’ The special and cheap edition now being issued will contain, when completed, nearly 500 Cartoons and Sketches from “PUNCH.” Nos. 1 and 2 now ready, price 15. each. («puNCH” OFFICE, 66, FLERT STREET. “ PUNCH.” { i SATURDAY. 4) » , fe Li Alife fi rel | HAC AS . SY su i i N AS mrt | - 7 as VOLUME PUBLISHED EVERY —+— AUGUST 20, + gave “lil MU cf ae Sy, i ms i e ra i > Z , WAH P TE 4 a Mi by; : \ Ait MSU 7 ale nail ell H 1 Na ihill ye ~ \( &; SY ) Mi) ili Si iy WiNi b uN tf | NT G aul PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. athimaad® ys “3 Registered at the General Post_Office as a Newspaper. @@ NOTICE.—Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, PRICE THREE PENCE. MOST REFRESHING, INVIGORATING, AND SUSTAINING. CADBURY'S COCO@ Free from drugs or any foreign admixture,

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20, 1898. ——, “PUNCH” is being set up every week by | LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. | SAMUEL BROTHERS, 665 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, L ¢. | No elastic round leg to give varicose ¥ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | Cc HARIVARL —Avoust THE STANDARD @Moivk Sirver LIFE ASSURANCE CO. | . C women CigarCases Accumulated Fund, @} Millions Stg. A ASC ALL CLASSES OF ASSURANCES S. Mord anx So. CARRIED THROUGH the Hitentees of the ever puic Penal caso canbe bln ini i ver ‘Ss. _ ATOUAMLE TERMS, Ennis wi nkaee a eae ee ranch Offices in dia t Colonies. = sie asc FOR i, MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (Meon.) SELF- ADJUSTING Sock SOLD EVERYWHERE. Protected by | Patents and Trade Marks @t Home and Abroad. “HIGHEST ATTAINARLE QUALITY.” ) } ‘For Delicate Children. SQUIRE'S CHEMICAL FOOD. In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 6d., & 6s. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS snp STORES, av or SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. OLDGOLD CIGARETTES “UNEQUALLED FORK HARD WEAR.” REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND. Black Handle ... lvory Handle . 64. | A Pair, T Handles, in | : Te. 64. | Russia leather case, Zis. | WRITE yes. Fe ET res. * Br “Ghaver’s Kit dacket and Vout for hoy 4 8 in., >. 5 Wholesale , ab 4 1. y fe Oo., ty As 4 w. u Trousers ILLUSTRATED C ATALOGO E and | PATTERNS free on application, Adds immeasu rably to eelerity and eomfort in writing. Of all pens most famous Mace in 3 sizes « 10/6, Per Box of 10. A Cigarette of Standard Excellence At Small Cost. MANUFACTURED FROM PURE VIRGINIA SUN-DRIED TOBACCO. Lilustrated Catalogue Post Free on Application to MABIE, TODD & BARD, Derr. A. 8) 8, CHEAPSIDE, BC Oba, Regent Street, W | LONDON 4, Ruchange Street, MANCHESTER etiictce buck: Plate Powder NON MERCURIAL. Universally admitted to be the Beet and Article for Plate, @c. SIX GOLD MEDALS Electro Bold everywhere, in Hoxes, l+., 2s. 6d | | » and & : EES BE ey Orient Company's Pleasure Cruises their Steamship “ Lusitania,” 3,912 tons . For COPENHAGEN, WISBY, » HOLM, 8T. PETERSBURG, BALTic CANAL, &e., leaving London 17th August, returning 14th September. For SICILY, CONSTANTINOPLE, the CRIMEA, GREECE, MALTA, ALGIERS, &c., em! London 20th September, return- ing Sth November. String band, electric light, high-class cuisine. Managers, F.Green & Co., Anderson, Ander- son & Co. Head Office: Fenchurch Avenue. For passage apply to the latter firm at 5, Fen- church Avenue, London, E.C., or to the West End Branch Office, 16, Cockspur Street, 8.W, Y. ‘ARGONAUT’ CRUISES, * organised by Dr. LUNN and Mr. PEROWNE | This magnificent ocean steam yacht, tonnage 3,254 horse- power 4,000, is fitted with all modern com and improvements, electric light, excellent cuisine | £14148. NORTHERN CAPITALS CRUISE (19 da Baltic Canal, Kiel, ye Stoc an, Wis | Gothenburg, Christiania, August 17th Caeens ( 13 er), New eilarees rtemouth, for lesmey, I for Dublin, Portrush for Giant's Causeway, along the Western Islands to A for Edinburgh, | wy September 6th to 18th or 20th. 214 14s. CRUISE (19 Rs roe ne MADEIRA, TENERIFE. LAS ER and aa Septem | £3 PALESTING, 1 Bevrr AND ATHENS: cuutsE Extended Cruises, including Constantino- ple, &c.; also Nile Tour to Luxor. mx, A A ave Se 4 seems. 5, Endsleigh HOWARD'S us»: PARQUET FLOORS a, Finest quality produced. ra Wall £10 10s. BRITISH castie, Tilbury (for London | Plymouth, Queenstown per foot. Panelling from 2s. 6d. per foot. 25, 26, & 27, BERNERS STREET, W. ACTION 32 CAL. POCKET REVOLVER DURING SUMMER You should never be without a bottle of ROWLAND'S KALYDOR Which cools and refreshes the face and handa, removes Freck) Tan, Sunburn, and Roughness; heals and cures Lrritation, Eruptions. Bottles, 23 and 46 ROWLAND'’S MACASSAR OIL, them and restorer of the hair, ~_ is — olden Colourfor \adies and children with fair or golden hair, as it does not stain or darken the walror timen Chemists for ROWLAND’S

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BALTIC August, LE, the AVTERS, , return- ' culsine. i, Ander- Avenue t 5, Pen- the West et, S.W. Aveust 20, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73 te 2 ~ Vf, slam Comm - = cx ~ 7 Sw Mabel. ‘‘I THINK IT's CRUEL To sHooT Brrps, RONALD,” Ronald, ‘‘THEN WHY DO YoU WEAR THE WINGS OF ONE IN YouR Hat!” DARBY JONES ON A LAMENTED DEATH AND TURF NOMENCLATURE. Honovurep Srir,—Ever since escaping from the Hon. Firr.atr, Captain Krire- rion & Co. at Southampton under the plea (like officers during the Crimean war) of “urgent family affairs,” I have rejoiced at my return to Terra Firma. I can sur- mise, Sir, that you will enquire “ who was responsible for the hire of the Yacht?” I resent the probably enquiry, and indig- nantly, though un tically, reply, “Not me”—distinctly Not Me. I took a train as quickly as I could to Kempton Park vid Clapham Junction, and immedi- ately returned with the joy of an Urchin released from his Seminary to Holiday Pleasure. Perish the Sea and all its Attri- butes. Give me the Land. But Kempton Park was far from cheer- ful. You need not enquire why now. Mr. S. H. Hypkg, the honoured and loved Secre- tary and Manager, passed away during the battling of the meeting of which he was both Creator and Director. His death caused a Thrill throughout the Gathering as powerful as was the beat of his Noble, Honest Heart. Mr. Hyozg, Sir, was not only a Great but a Good Man. He had the Welfare of the Turf in view, even to his own (apparent) Detriment. He sur- mounted obstacles more difficult to 0- tiate than those which he used in t Winter Season at Kempton. He made the Park what it is, the race-ground in the world, and he was in the execution ot his duty Fearless to de Right so that others should do no Wrong. My Miserable Muse is willing but unable to do justice to his memory, but a Bard, who shall be name- less, sends me the following lines : — “ Brave, honest soul! we ne’er again Shail m-et beneath the Kempton trees ; T hear the glad refrain thousands whom you sought to please ! But this at least we surely know, A favourite you were to “ claim ”’ Not in a “ "race. Your name Could not conceal the debt we owe To Hum who never had a foe!"’ To sum up, Mr. Hype found Kempton a wilderness, and left it an oasis in the desert. It is time, Honoured Sir, that the Work- ing Members of the Jockey Club should turn their Attention, when not occupied with the leasing of Desirable Lands round- about Newmar to the Naming of the Flyers of the Turf. The British Public is a singularly Forbearing Animal, not alto- gether dissimilar from the Patient Animal —————————_—_—_——————eo— Tl known as the Jerusalem Pony. But the B. P. likes to know its Methods of Pro- gression. It strikes me, in the first place, that it reflects no credit on the ingenuity of an Owner of Racehorses to keep running a colt or a filly with no more Definite Appellation than that of Oliver Twist when he was admitted to the workhouse. To read that the Geranium Colt or the Gar- denia Filly has run some contest at Lewes or Paisley is very misleading, when these same Quadrupeds figure later on as Poly- anthus and Stephanotis. The Racing Ca- lendar is not largely bought by the B. P., and Her EaTy’s permission is not needed for change of name. I am sorry to say that there are those who work this lax state of affairs to their own Profit. Equally pernicious is the system permitted of ing Roman Numbers to quadrupeds sharing the same name. I have read in the Almanach de Gotha, which I have perused with the aid of a Dictionary, English- rench), that there is a disti shed Teu- tonic Personage known as Henry THe Sixty-sevents of Reuss, a Territory subject to the will of the Father of the Fatherland. Far be it from me to decry the custom of this Ancient Principality, but in common with many other Fre- uenters of the Flat, I do demur to the ractice of the Princes of Reuss (a terri- tory considerably less than that devoted to the Turf of Great Britain) being appliea to Equine Candidates for Honours in our own Country. We are already in the Second Generation, Bridegroom II., St. Cloud II. &c.; but where are we going to ay We may come to Bridegroom XXIV., and St. Cloud XXXV. I know, Honoured Sir, that there are Classic Scholars (such as yourself) who earn hand- some incomes by standing Godfathers to this Colt or that Filly, and therefore the more do I contend that the Jockey Club should ordain— 1. That all horses must run under a given name. 2. That all owners should be forbidden to append numerals to such names, This suggestion is not so controversial as the Conscience Clause of the Vaccina- tion (Heaven help the Nation—never mind the Vaccine) Government Dilly-dally Biull, but it is COMMON SENSE. With such sentiments, I remain, Your Never-forgotten Pensioner, Darsy Jones. THE JADED JESTER IN AUGUST. I coup jest With the best, Or a jape Put in shape ; And once on a time, You'll allow, Could fashion a rhyme— But not now. Blank my mind Is, I find, On my lips No more quips; Tis awfully hot, You'll admit, I really cannot Work a bit. A Bexirw.—Although Berlin is “on the Spree,” its cheerfulness is considerably dis- counted by “the Oder” in its vicinity. VOL, OXY,

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, [aedog Apwq —,,-yoafoad oy 0} payuoewe aawy Ayreaympy ayy Jo spar] ou, “Aun00 wan UT [ede woug Jo yuommfordure oy) 103 s}00ds01d oy} are yey yno PUY O} 4eps0 uy “vUTY) 07 OF 0} eoraUIMIOD jo sisquIVY,) poeossy OG} JO UBULSY) O43 J0 wonder oy} 0} pozussay sey CuOdsaURG SHTAVED p07 ,,] “Dury us burpeavsy porosnuwog « QYOIS3Y3E ‘YW HYNO,, | [Aveusr 20, 1898, / YW é “4 THE LONDON CHARIVARL OR PUNCH,

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Aucust 20, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL SONGS FOR THE NATION. ‘Carmina, non leges!’’— Horace. .—Th rtance of art none ema et U mya 4 none are we =p ae which are & The beautiful imagery of a older songs of the aaa ye = of ironclads lenge eeate be as de t that the It is evi time-honoured expression, “shiver my timbers,” must give way to “ram my pro- tective plating,” and so on, all along the line. There may be « loss from a senti- mental t of view. Drspin’s “ Sweet Little Cherub” would probably turn out something like this: “ There's a quick-firing gun that is perched up ft alo To look after the foes of poor Jack!’’ It doesn’t look exactly right. a: Lover. I rovs a gal, I ’Cos why? Her name is Nancr! I swear as I ‘ll be true, She says it’s only fancy. I says to her, “ My dear Avast there, you're a "beauty! You ’ve got no call to fear, To love you is my duty. “From out your conning-tower Your search-lights gleam so brightly, My heart they overpower They haunt me day- -and- nightly. Though I should steel my breast With six-inch “ Harveyed” armour, ’Twould never stand the test Of your attack, my charmer! “ Just look me in the heye, I ain’t a dashed torpedo— Now stow it, don’t you cry, There ain’t a bit of need, oh! My heart with love is hot As any “ Belleville” biler: What makes you think it’s not? Cheer up, my pretty smiler! “Tt rakes me fore and aft To see you sad unduly, Give up your little craft, And join in with yours truly. ‘ Twin-screws,’ we ‘ll surely plouch Through life’s rough sea together, I'll run with you, I vow, Come fine or stormy weather. “Tf war should call for Jack, You really must not worrit, I'll face the foe’s attack From barbette. top or turret. By thoughts of Nancy led; No matter what befalls me, I'll go ‘full steam ahead’ Wherever duty calls me.” “SMALL BY DEGREES, AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS.” (A Page from a Holiday-Maker's Diary.) Monday.— Delighted with all I see, Capital band plays all the best music. Bathing admirable; just what I like. Drives most. interesting; all sorts of his- torical spots ya visiting. Splendid jaar make up for my n in not —e everything before, nd such a good hotel! Cook evidently cordon bleu. Satisfied with everything. T uesday.—Certainl pleasant. But I do wish that band would move on. It ae ee visit adjacent watering ~~ oe sta there—with advantage. Still, leaving out a? @ { | Pewee 7é She. *‘ How 1s THAT BroTBEeR oF yours rornc{” He. “* On, SPLENDIDLY ! He's sv0st BponRoweD Ten Pounps From me.” the band, a very decent spot indeed. Not so wel, much to complain of. W ednesday.—Think I was right to come. Find, however, that the bathing might be better. ines of the old-fashioned sort and the water of third-rate attractiveness. Besides, remember that my doctor told me I was not to take a bath except with the chill ; off.. Can’t get chill off the ocean. Still, leaving out. the band—which will play on—and the bathing, a fairly good resting- place. Not very. much to complain of. Thursday. Tol lol! However, I can’t stand the drives. Never came across such ramshackle hice in my life. And places of historieal interest, indeed! Who cares a hang to see the "alleged resting-place of CuarLes THe First after his t from Oxford. Great rot! Still, omitting drives, and the band—worse than "ever! bath- ing, occasionally amusing. Not much to But, good gra- y | complain of. Friday.— Still - here! cious! fancy a upon the library as an attraction! all the out-of-date, un- saleable nibtheh! Not a novel worth read- ing, and the rest impossible. Confess dis- appointment. Still; with the books left out; and the band—curse it !—banished, and the bathing and driving omitted might possibly rub on. Not altogether dissatis- Saturday.— Thank , on the — Could op it no r. Such a Row wi Tr @ steak the last straw. So am Gookbye to the wretched resting-place, the beastly band—my worst imprecations u it !— the health- -destroying J oe are- ing promenades, the rotten A wait a long farewell to them all. Satisfied with nothing ! Tae New Governon-Genera or Invi. —A “Nat” annoying to the Russian Bear.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 20, 1898. La . *\ ’ am » \" Woe >) aN 1. a, ‘ oes —_ a Z ~~ be & ad ALAMO GF. woe NY a ] yi ZA os bu ’ w vy, i; ‘ : “\ ) \ » \ ‘ 4 \\f iy, xi\ ’ " My | % ul \ N i \ \\ , \ \ \. N \ \ Sn — es - ABOUT RIGHT, TOO! *Arry (on Tcur in Norway). ‘‘So THIS 18 RIDING IN A STOLKJERRE, I8 IT! FRIGHTEN WELL, I CALLS IT RIDING IN A JOLT-YER AND -YER!” (?) FROM “FAR CATHAY.” At vast expense, we commissioned a (more or less) trusted correspondent to send us a brief account of some junk recing, which, he informed us, was quite the rage amongst the Chinese “ Jeunesse Dorée.”* It runs thus :— On my arrival in this far-off land, I met, by chance, a neglected native poet, Un-Sune, who, together with a com- panion of his, accompanied me to the scene of the great aquatic contest, which is here known as the festival of Kowe-Sweek- Yot-ting. Un-Sune kindly furnished me with the names of the competing junks and their owners, which I append :— Junk. Owner. Sun-or-Jim. 2. - Ayz-Bu-Stno. 3. Bo-Nah . Du-Kesz-An-Roo-Szs. 4. Eyes-old-ah Don-Aup-Scn. In gratitude for this, I invited Un-Sune and his friend to moisten their celestial lips with some wiskisodah (native drink). Both he and his companion, Tay-Ka-LONG-wun, readily accepted, and we adjourned to a small refreshment house (“ Pubdik”), and there sipped this not ungrateful fluid. Under its influence, Un-Suve lifted up his voice, and drawing a roll of closely- written manuscript, about four feet long, from his sleeve, pro- ceeded to read me much of his life’s work—more of his life’s work, in fact, than I had any use for, at that moment. I told him I would call in and take the rest when I had a month hang- ing heavy on my hands. Then we went out and watched the noble junks hoist their great white sails aloft, and prepare for the start. When all was at length in readiness, the Mandarin —— over the Festival, and who was addressed as Kom . a signal gun (the recoil from which knocked him flat on his back, and sent his peacock’s feather flying), and the com- pe were despatched on their journey, or, in the quaint guage of the people, were “ Un-dah-wai.” The junk belong- * Our Special’s letter has every appearance of having been written some time ago, = therefore the sr = have been to China. But—it did not ceme by p-wt, having been left mysteriously at our cflice by a lad who said there was no answer.— Ep. ing to Sun-or-Jrm led, Ayz-Bu-Sine’s boat coming next. Great excitement prevailed along the shore where I stood, and order had to be preserved by “ Bob-bais,” or native police. The junks were soon temporarily lost to sight, and then, whilst black-faced troubadours twanged on stringed instruments, and — | their native love songs, most of the le opened baskets and partook of the mid-day repast (*Taun-Chon , this being washed down by copious draughts of Ay-yah-lah-sec, Klee-Ko, Mo-Ay, and other delectable drinks. So cosmopolitan have I become from much travel, that, instead of wrapping myself up in my insular pride and pre- judice, I determined to share their fru repast, and to make myself one of them, so, selecting what looked like the party of a high-class Mandarin, I nodded genially to him, and takin from his hand the bottle from which he was helping himself to Mo-Ay, poured out a tumblerful and was raising it to drink his health, when, to my int astonishment, Semndoched from my hands, and, almost at the same time, I seemed to be sitting on his foot for a brief moment, and then lying on my face with my nose buried in the crust of the puppy-dog pie. For an instant, I could hardly the fact that I had been insulted (“Kik-Tout ” in the vernacular). Not content with this, the Mandarin, who, I have since heard, belongs to the most exalted Order of the Royal “ Yots-Kwod-Ron,” commanded a Bob-bai to “ Yank-y- mout!” and I was ignominiously conducted through the crowd by my collar. I explained to the almond-eyed follower of Con- rvorus that if he would release me, I would bestow upon him a certain reward. I also informed him that I was a lone, un tected male, far from home and friends and things. and whether it was my tale of woe or the tael of silver which I gave him, I cannot say, but the fact remains that he let me go. Having got rid of Tay-xrm-vp, I returned, but avoided catching the 7 foot—of the Mandarin who had treated me so inhospitably. The junk of Avz-Bu-Srve ultimately gain a victory over that belonging to Du-Kzz, Don-Aup-Sun third with Eyes-old-ah. Am just off to Pekin. Cun Carn. “ ANOTHER serious charge against Esternazy.”—So said the pose last week. His prospects are becoming Ester-hazier-and-

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Avevust 20, 1898.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 77° OSTEND. friend VaNDERBLANK invited me to visit him in Ostend, he advised me to bring a bicycle. There are but few dangerous hills within five hundred miles of the town, and bicycle riding is, in conseq aafe and luxurious. Arrive at Victoria with my bicycle, three bags, a bowler hat, and the usual bundle of coate and sticks. Find there a vast number of persons all similarly equipped, many having also boxes. Platform blocked with bicycles, bags, boxes, bundles and bowlers ; i filled with them ; racks overflowing. How- ever, arrangements admirable, and there is even room some- where for a number of trippers, with the minimum of luggage, who are going to spend a week in Lucerne for -“a-crown, or thereabouts. At Dover the waves are dashing over the pier. Descend to the steamer’s saloon, adorned with the efforts of Belgian art, and obtain a sandwich. Asa work of art it is rather unsatisfactory. A sandwich provided by the —_ Govern- ment, or by any civilized government, ought to good. At least, it ought to be large, since the Belgians are always hungry, and cheap, since they are practical and frugal. But it is none of these. It is the worst sandwich that I have ever tasted or seen ; it is the most expensive that I have ever heard of. It is a thick lump of old cab-horse, partially cooked, between two slices of detestable bread; it is not more than three inches square, and it costs sixpence. Resolve to eat no more till I reach the villa of the hospitable Vanpersianks. Am hopefully hungry by the time we are in sight of Ostend. Am fairly famished when at last I grasp the friendly hand of VaANDERBLANK on the quay. Expect that in a few minutes I shall be eating a “ fivocklock” at his house. But no! The Belgian Government does not let me off so easily. It has done its best to make me uncomfortable with its sandwich, and now it has got hold of my bicycle. After about half an hour my bags have passed the Custom House, and VaNnpeEr- BLANK is sitting with them outside in a fiacre, and then the fun In a very small space, choked up with bicycles, a crowd of angry and impatient English travellers and Belgian officials are pushing here and there. The English are too agitated to speak much French, the Belgians speak no English, and all the time they are asking each other unintelligible questions. In the midst of the crowd stands a stolid Fleming writing incessantly in an enormous book. To each one of us, after long waiting, he delivers an immense document, compared to which the last will and testament of a millionaire would be a mere trifle. It is the Acquit de Transit of the Administration des Contributions Directes for the marchandises ci-aprés désignées, marquées et numérotées ainsi qu’il suit, savoir: Une bicyclette. There is any amount of it, every word being given in French and in Flemish. There is also a receipt for the Droits de douane, a comparatively tiny document, though it is about as long as the lease of an English house. Meanwhile the train for Brussels has started. and the travellers who have missed it are furious. But the stolid Fleming continues placidly, until at last I nay my thirty francs, receive my documents, get them signed coun- tersigned, have my bicycle plombée, and rush out to the unfortu- nate VANDERBLANK, who is abusing the institutions of his native land with admirable impartiality. As for me, by this time I am simply starving. So no more at present from the Rover. who is roving this time at a very little distance from London. Rostnson tHe Rover. THE TREASURY OF KNOWLEDGE. (Fragment from an Educational Romance picked up on the Thames Embankment. ) Tne Visitor asked the Contractor how much it would cost to erect the building. “ About £2,000, Sir,” was the reply. “Then, if I say £5,000, I shall be safe?” “ Safe—quite safe.” “And now, what will chairs cost ?” “Well, Sir, chairs are rather outside my line, but five shillings apiece should secure a serviceable article. “Then if I say thirty shillings each, I shall again be on the right side?” “Indeed, you will, Sir,” returned the Contractor, earnestly. “You will leave an ample _ “And about copy-books ? t should they cost?” “ About a shilling a dozen, I should think. But, again——” _“Then a shilling each would do very well?” interrupted the Visitor. “A shilling each would not be too low an estimate?” “On the contrary, ampie, ample. But———” eg WT (2 ar. * eae WS STS LOCAL INTELLIGENCE, “D'vEAR As ‘ow OLD Bop Osporne ‘AVE GIVE UP SunimPpin’ AN TOOK TER WINKLIN’?” ‘Wei, I'm piest!” —==v5 “Then there are the salaries of the teachers. What do you think they ought to be paid?” “ Again, Sir, I am afraid ~— are going beyond my knowledge. But, as a personal matter, I may say that a niece of mine would be delighted to earn ei hey pounds a year.” “Then eight hundre ould be liberal? We might put down the salaries at eight hundred.” “My dear Sir,” protested the Contractor, “I really know no- thing about these matters. But the building, shall I take that affair in hand?” “No,” said the Visitor, “ why should you? ” “Why, did you not come here to order it?” “Certainly not. I came here in the service of the public.” The Contractor was perplexed. What did his Visitor mean? Who could he be ? “No,” returned the would-be servant of the public. “I am not mad, though the acts of my colleagues savour of insanity. I am asking all these questions and making all these estimates because I am in training for the Finance Committee of the School Board for London.” JEAMES JUNIOR ON HIS LEGS. Sir,—I ear has it ave been said by some Honble gent in Par- lymint as “thirty-three per cent. of calves were affected by tuberculosis.” I copy the egstrack as printid in the Times newspaper. Xcuse me sir but the ellegant shape of all the calves of the purfessional gentlemen as are hornyments to sassiety is not doo to hanythink unealthy, like “ tuberculosis,” tho it may be aggeriwated by overstuffin (with paddin, not over-feedin) wich is the contrairy of hartistick. ours Bilgravyer. Jzames Junior. P.S.—Ave just seen a contrarydikshun wich says as “ dairy cows and cattle” were meant not “calves.” But no matter. My statement is not efected.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Avausr 20, 1898.

\us ry tym von. ¥ Se vn = oy I Sl eee fa - L THE DRAWBACKS OF Jones (coasting down the hill at twenty miles a Hy AE EY “AY a = ~ TOURING IN FRANCE. an howr), “‘Mzncirut Heavens! I wonpEr WHAT's Tae Frencn ror ‘Goop OLp Frtirow!’”

LE MONDE OU L’ON s'AFFICHE. Il.—Tur Manx Mernop. Ir one may credit what the bards record, That Virtue’s self was once her sole reward, Then, to the thoughtful student of to-day, It seems that some of us have gone astray. And when we try to probe the crucial spot, To touch the germ of this lamented “ rot,’ We find the doctors, our supposed superiors, Have quite forgot to dose their own interiors ; That those who teach in novel, play ana poem The paths of Virtue, so that fools may know ’em, And therefore might, a little less than others, Set bad ensamples to their simpler brothers, Themselves purvey the Truth, the written sign, For all the lucre they can lift per line. Time was, before the art became a trade, When authorship was rather lightly paid ; When just a paltry fiver was the price Of Mutron’s little thing on Paradise ; But, though I think that inwardly he swore Because he failed to make a trifle more, He would not ask aloyd for further oof, | But, rich in Virtue’s rubies, smiled aloof, | Deeming their value, nett, to be enormous, Compared with baser gems from Ind or Ormus. | Nor did the best of writers then sus | That they were Heaven’s peculiar own elect, Or wear the swollen head and pompous airs | Of persons who conduct the World’s affairs. T SHAKSPEARE, now—the well-known man who wrote A deal of poetry that people quote— Having sutacied conte promise in his plays How did he spend his later manhood’s ys? Did he appear on platforms in a wreath With rows of paid reporters underneath ? Did he inflame the interviewer's heart With lectures on Elizabethan art ? | Or issue public bulletins upon The operations he had undergone ?

Did he engage his critics in a feud P Or sit for several portraits? No ; he brewed ! Benred, fee, for just the joy of making Tr, And not in order to become a Peer; wre sone of malt in that domestic ven From which he took the title, Swan of Avon ; Although to him it never once occurred That he resembled that engaging bird. He wore his wisdom lightly as the air, nd wondered how it happened to be there ; Did not so much as mention in his will One solitary product of his quill ; And left posterity to lie awake on The question whether SHaksPzaRE wasn’t Bacon! Next, please,—to illustrate the modern pian, Observe the representative of Man! (That is, the island, not the human race, The Author’s view not counting in the case) Fair lies his home on yonder castled hill, The tout’s resort, the puffer’s Rosherville, For truly he must travel far to seek A place to spend a more suggestive week. There by the Master’s side his hours are spent Imbibing candid tips on self-content ; Of which he ultimately gets the gist Type-written by the Master’s actual fist ; Together with an incidental hint That things like this look better still in print. But when the compromising truth is out, How all the blessed booming came about, The Author asks: ‘‘AmI a Cainine dog, That I should urge my own revolving log?” Alleges that he never, never thought His confidence was being sold and bought ; Tf hospitality is thus betrayed, The race is growing sadly r<trograde ! And while a pretty interchange of blows Peppers the Master’s eyes and minion’s nose, And each apparently is taking pains To drag the other’s honour through the drains, You find—so cleverly the thing is done— The Master’s Works a-selling by the ton! This for the type of those that hawk their st uff By process of the self-conducted puff, Loud as the pillule-sign whose rude in- sistence Shatters the nerves at almost any distance.

Scarcely Correct. Lord Greenpark (to Mr. De ta Bourse, who has asked him to lunch at the City Atheneum Club). Are there any lady members ? Mr. De la B. Good Heavens, no! The aprons belong only to the Parent Insti- tution in Pall Mall. (After a slight pause.) But the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street is, of course, an honorary member.

In the Smoke-room. First Non-City Man. What does “ Bank Rate unchanged” mean ? Second Ditto. Don’t know exactly; but if the money goes out of the Bank as fast as it does out of my bank, the sooner there ’s a stop the better, otherwise there ’ll be no change at all soon. [Sighs, and calls for something iced.

Trvtern Appey TO BE sOLD.—Its name will be justified, as the owner will turn over tin by the sale.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 20, 1898, THE NEW STAR OF INDIA. Riont How. A. Batvour. “OFF TO CALOUTTA! THEN, GOOD-BYE, OLD MAN. HOPE YOU WON'T FIND IT TOO HOT!” Ricxt How. G. Curzon. “WELL! AT TIMES WE’VE KNOWN IT TO BE FAIRLY SULTRY HERE. EH?”

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Avaust 20, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81 aE ale «tt ‘ S- ~ Keats ‘e 4 OU MY REF pyro ‘ ror ‘Hongson. Scene—Village Agricultural Show. Ponies in the Ring. Voice from the Crowd (to Groom on high-stepper). ‘‘LET HI8 HEAD GO A BIT, MA LAD! LET HIS HEAD GO DOowN! CAN'T YER SEE HE'S A TRYIN’ TO SCRAT (SCRATCH) IT!” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Wuewn the story of Nanszn’s journey, Farthest North, was first published, it was, necessarily, issued at a price prohibitive save to “them as is rich and rides in chaises.” Now, thanks to the business enterprise of Messrs. Gzorcz Newnes, we can all buy the book and read “like blazes.” It is out, at moderate price, in two handsome volumes, with all the original illustra- tions, including a splendid map of the arctic circle. It is too late in the day to say anything of the profound interest of this wondrous - But my onite, turning over the familiar ages presented in nice new dress, is again struck by the rare iterary a possessed and modestly displayed by Nansen. Anybody could go and not find the North Pole. It isn’t given to every one, especially a foreigner, to produce a masterpiece of writing in the English tongue. The Dedication to his wife is a sarl of a sentence, exquisite in its tenderness. Twelve words ong yet telling a life’s story: “To her who christened the ship and had the courage to wait.” _ The fourth volume of THackERay’s works (SmirH, ELDER) includes the Memoirs of Barry Lyndon, the Fitz Boodle Papers, and others less well known to the average reader. It brings Mrs. RITCHIE’s recollections, being the story of her father’s life, down to 1839-44. At this time the THackERAys were living at 13, Great Coram Street, Russell Square, the head of the house- hold hard at work winning bread. THACKERAY, in addition to writing for Punch, Bentley, Fraser, and other periodicals, con- tributed to the columns of the Times, and the Morning Chronicle. His chief work of the period was Barry Lyndon, of which he seems to have got tired much sooner than does my Baronite. In his diary, written at Malta, on his famous journey from Cornhill to Cairo, there are pathetic entries testifying to weariness of the work. In a footnote to her charming chapter of biography, Mrs. RiroutE tells a lovely story about an unnamed Lord So Dining at the Mansion House one night, THACKERAY observed his Lordship nodding to him in friendliest fashion. ‘I know you,” said his genial Lordship, ‘‘ HonaceiTwiss.” The author of the Life of Lord Eldon was at the time well known in the London world, and a personal friend of THackgray’s. But THACKERAY protested he was not Horace Twiss. The Lord Mayor was not to be contradicted in the Mansion House, It finally came out that he mistook Tuackeray for DickENs, whose Oliver Twist was then the talk of the town. By further mixing up the name of Horace Twiss with that of Dickens's hero, the Lord Mayorial mind, in waggish mood meet for a Mansion House dinner, showed THacKERaY how clearly he recognised him. Tue Banow ve b.-W. A NOTE ON THE “LONG.” To tHe Epitor or “ Puncn.” Sir,—As the representative of the legal profession, I beg to address you on a popular fallacy. About this time of the year, when the Courts are up and the members of the four Inns are supposed to be on the wing, the public insist that practice at the Bar is not only pleasant and lucrative, but full leisure. The fact that the wig-case contains ite wig during two or three months out of the twelve is produced as evidence that counsel learned in the law, to put it comoumy: have an easy time of it. Pray let me disabuse the public mind of so false an impression. Let me take my own case. I can solemnly declare (and my declaration will be supported by my admirable and excellent clerk, Portrxcton) that I have every bit as much work to do during the acation as at sny other period of the forensic year. Yours faithfully, (Signed) A. Buierizss, Junior. Pump-Handle Court, ‘August 13, 1898. Wr have already had a short ll of summer. Odd that it should come directly after the visit to England of Winter (Sir James) from Newfoundland. “Tne Ricuts or Crvit Senvants.”—Tips. The more civil the servants the bigger the tip.

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82 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveust 20, 1898.

7 4 f/f? Miss Nimrod, da! / Mh “On, DEAR! HE'S POINTING ! \our oe " Up in the Mowntains of the Moon! Your glances made me brave and bold, I felt like paladin of old; Although the glaciers were so: cold, Up in the Mountains of the Moon! The Geld of Love was what _I sought Up in the Mountains of the Moon! The gold wherewith mankind is bought, Up in the Mountains of the Moon! I thought I'd found the precious ore, To garner, cherish and adore For ever and for evermore, Up in the Mountains of the Moon! But though your heart I may beseech Up in the Mountains of the Moon! I never may that gold mine reach, Up in the Mountains of the Moon!

Smile on! To you I’m henceforth blind! Some lesser light may be more kind, On Earth a Klondike yet I'l! find, Far from the Mowntains of the Moon!

ALL FOR HIT. (A Romance of Lord's, the. Oval, and elsewhere. ) “T rett you I cannot accept the brief,” replied the young barrister, in answer to the solicitations of the leading solicitor. “ But, my dear Sir, it will to fame and fortune,” “That may be,” replied the young man, suppressing © sigh ; “but I must do my “a. solicitor retired poet and his place was taken by a ce ablisher. “You must stay on = aide that work, for that will double the balance at your bankers.’ ” ” returned the young man, “it is impcssible:; I have somet hing more imper- tant to claim my attention. And the publisher, crestfallen and sor- rowful, retired. sg Accept this appointment and become a millionaire,” urged a prince of fi who hed gudcecdal to the ethers,” All you have to do is to attend from Monday to Friday from 10 to 4, leaving on Satar- day a couple of hours earlier.” : ce ) Again

young man answered in the negative: He not accept enormous wealth, he would not secure worldwide ame “No,” said he to his friends, in expla- nation. “You see, I have been ‘chosen for my county eleven, and playing in my county eleven’s matc must be my first, my only consideration.” And his friends, being fond of cricket and wanting to see a good score, cordially agreed with him

THE REASON WHY. Dear Mr. Pouncn,—I have heard many theories suggested for the adoption of the celebrated Conscience Clause by our Va- cillation Government. But I think that I am alone in having discovered the true reason. It is simply because our Lords and Masters are aware that the surplus and unproductive population needs. inning. We have no great war in im view, Russian arrogance in China metwithetend- ing. So the Conscience Clause affords a ey mem of exterminating the untaxed It isa Sort scheme, having only one drawback, ., that while the of humanity may ey th to the bottom, scum of the movement may seriously eftect _ Ay | of Society. ; in poisons Yours obediently, system perfect. Boanercss Brown. Pitt House, Chatham.

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soclU'S|U "CU —

Avevust 20, 1898.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 88

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ExTRacrep From Tus Diary or Tony, M.P. House of Commons, Monday night, August 8.— Regarding prospect from strictly business view, if we must have ministerial crises, much better they should take place in the Lords than in the Commons. If it were the custom for Lords to issue trade circular, they would be justified in having the permanent “ N.B,— Ministerial Crises conducted with punc- tuality and despatch.” When House met to-night, strongest Ministry of modern times was in tight place. The small pox clause, which Prince

oe a Gomes, the delapidated De 1a wcHE, the fev FEVERSHAM, angry ALDENHAM, pertinacious PorrsmouTH, and G.enesk from the frozen North—each ollowed the other, shaking pennon and clashing mailed hands in despite of their Lord the Marxiss. “The Thanes fly from me,” the Marxiss murmured, looking round to see if anybody — ee to say ee body rising, least of all in s' aa douse up gat the Premier, an dy ing <— sire if the jade sit eeiled smiled upon him, vi a twelve — lo Do geet to tm nothing unsaid business, including

“IMITATION I8 THE SINCEREST,” Now, if either of these gentlemen (Cap’en T-mmy B-wl-s, Mr. A-st-n Ch-mb-rl-n, and Mr. B-rtl-y) succeeded ” C-rz-n, with a very little trouble on their part tne change (pictorial ArTHuR, in deference to electoral exigen- cies, had grafted on Vaccination Bill, was, in spite of entreaty from the MARKiss, thrown out by majority of 2. The Com- mons reinstated it. Now Bill come back to Lords; next and final stroke of the game with them. Would they insist on elimination of clause, or would they surrender ? In analogous circumstances the Commons would have been thronged; seething with excitement. The Lords turned up just a hundred strong. Some acceleration of conversation, some flitting to and fro be- tween ministerial bench and the railed enclosure of Throne, within which stood Prince ARTHUR and ‘other colleagues from the Commons. Noth that would have suggested to uninfo looker-on that a principal measure of the Session was in dire peril. Peer after peer rose from centre of ministerial and seehdhed

revolt. The raucous woop, the division, over in an hour. Plenty of time for noble lords to take a turn in the Park before dressing for dinner. In the Com- mons, we should have made at least a long night of the job, and not altered its con- clusion by a single vote. Business done.— Lords, constrained by cont ious Sangean. By 55 votes against 45 undo what on Thursday they the Markiss, eat the leek proffered by the accomplished by 40 votes inst 38. Vaccination Bill, transformed in its pro- gress through Commons, now safe, T wesday.—Rumour ourrent to-night that India is about’ to add to her ‘boundless treasure possession of our Grorce Curzon. He is, ~ Na hg Me out as Nigewey succession p Pace <—- A ~ itten siete or « sti velered there will probably’ be ve, ren “ad this wicked world, no voice raised in dis- Through a tole and. to bly, Groner Curzon has won his way by sheer capacity and pluck to a ministerial position circumstances combined to make one of exceptional delicacy and difficulty, These very conditions that would have overcome a weaker man have com his success, and paved the pathway of promotion. Long ago, when the House used more or less indulgent!y to smile at his ora- torical efforts below the gangway, it was foretold on this page that Groner Curzon would “go far.’ confess at the time of making that entry I did not think it would be all the way to Calcutta, to share the Viceregal Throne with a gracious lady,

&c. y) could really be made scarcely perceptible a Pearl of the West worthy of rare setting in the storied Kast. Business done.— Appropriation Bill brought in. W ednesday.—Prince Antuur, dropping remark casually in course of on affairs in Far , confirms report that Groncr Curnzon is to be the new Viceroy of India. ‘Yesterday he was with us for the last time, we listening to his answers all unknowing that he was making his last appearance as Under-Secretary for Foreign Affairs. It is a way great statesmen have of withdrawing from the Parliamentary scene. So Dizzy went; so GLADSTONE walked forth, making no sign of farewell. On all sides regret at the severance. It|tap h gain our loss. _P. Pe O. Surnzr- LAND has echavaniens kiss, peying a com- - to the new En’ the mighty . and O. Seek bn 2 Gabior called the i translated,

in with, not particularly friendly assem- Kaiser-i-Hind, which, means Empress of India, . Chairman

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84 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveust 20, 1898. roposes to re-christen the ship, calling - the Curzon-i- Hind. Business done.—Appropriation Bill read a second time. Thursday.—Basumeap Arntiett, Knight, beholds his opportunity, and, as they say in France, will seize it by the hair. Grorcr Curzon’s promotion makes vacancy at Foreign ce. Who so well able to fill the post as Sir Basumeap? Confidant of the Suttan, mentor of the King of Gregce, custodian of the interests of the British Empire, protector of Swaziland, flatterer of Duchesses, descendant of men who went out in the Mayflower and came back in a Cunarder—who so competent to assist the Marxkiss in making graceful concessions from the Foreign Office? Loaded with honours by foreign states, entertained to tea by the Suttan (with a band playing in the back garden), hailed “Siomo” by grateful but only partially clothed Africans, why should he lack honour at home ? He might look higher than an Under- Secretaryship. But it will serve to begin with, being, as we see, the open door to Viceroyalties. It is a happy chance for the Premier and the country that finds him disengaged at this rticular juncture. Others may go o making holiday. Basumeap Artiett, Knight, will stay at home and await the inevitable summons. Business done.— Appropriation Bill through Committee. Friday.—Parliament prorogued. Off for the Holidays! HANDBOOK FOR THE MILITIA, Question. You are out for your training about this time ? Answer. Taking “this time” to mean from late April to early September—yes. Q. And during the remainder of the year you do nothing ? A. Besides wearing my uniform at a levee or fancy ball, practically nothing. Q. Then you cannot consider yourself particularly useful from a military point of view ? A. On the contrary, I am of a dia- metrically opposite opinion. Q. But surely this is not on all fours with common sense ? A. I am not so certain of that, when you take into consideration that a militia- man, in one of his days of training, gets over as much ground as that Seuvenied by a regular in a week. First Customer. ‘‘ Warren, A Friep Soir.” Second Customer, ‘‘ Brine ME A Frizp Soe, TOO, WAITER—-AND MIND IT IS FRESH.’ Waiter, *‘Two Friep SoLEs—oneE FRESH!” Q. How many days a year do you have? A. Twenty-seven, with deductions. Q. What are the deductions ? A. The time occupied by getting into uniform and out of it, plus wet days and the hours given over to musketry instruc- tion. Q. Why do you add the latter to your list of dies non? A. use, during the hurry-scurry of a militia training, instruction about the rifle and how to use it is valueless. Q. If you are stationed at Aldershot or some olka military camp of instruction, do you get as much benefit as when at your own headquarters ? A. It is the general opinion that home training is to be preferred. A battalion should learn how to march in quick time before being instructed in the double. Q. From this, I take it you think com- pany and squad drill is more useful to a number of raw recruits or rusty veterans than brigade movements ? A. Yes; although this may not be the opinion of some C. O.’s having a greater -admiration for tinsel than gold. Q. From a pecunia int of view, is service in the militia advantageous ? A. Certainly not, as it is impossible, on the pay and allowances, to make both ends meet. Q. Then what is the belonging to the Force ? A. It is comforting to the conscience to know one is doing one’s duty. Q. But does not rank in the militia give you precedence ? A. Which, according to some people, is used only by fools or snobs. Q. Then why serve? A. Because England expects «very man to do his duty; and after all, there is something in being a captain of militia. advantage of Old Constitutional A SILENT COURTSHIP. Wuen first they met, ’twas in the Park, He gazed, and offered no remark, But slightly bowed his silver head, ear: | my looked down and blushed rose Tr — Love in their eyes, but naught was said. But now the ay hail the bride, The wedding-knot is safely tied ; With and wraps around the twain, They take their places in the train, This Parasol and Silver Cane.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avovust 20, 1898.

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Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avovusr 20, 1898. The London Medical Record says : - ; : ms The British Medical Journal says: | Retaited wWhén all ‘Other ‘Benger’ Food” lias By its Foods are rejected, it is in- exeellence established a reputa valuable tion of its.owna,” FOOD For INVALIDSap INFANTS — NOE. exucsnsscescsscu, THE SCOTTISH NATURAL MINERAL meres TABLE WATER ST. RONAN’S A purely Bairisn product Superior to and Cheaper than any of the Foasion Minesal Waters, Ix Sriivs, Pures, axp As supplied to the — of Commons and Leading Clubs. Superior to and Cheaper than any of the Foreign Mineral Waters. In Splits, Pints, and Quarta. Proprie tors: “ST. RONAN’S WELLS” AND MINERAL WATER CO., LTD. Iuweeterruey, ScoTLanp. London Depot 66, Fixeseuny F’ayemenr, ELC. C. Brandauer & Co’s Circular-Pointed Pens. SEVEN PRIZE MEDALS. Pens Write as Smoothly as a Lead Pencil. Neither Seratch nor Spurt, the points being rounded by a special process. Assorted Sample Box for 7 stamps from the Works, BIRMINGHAM. Enjoyed by Young and Old. BIRD’ - CUSTARD | POWDER Provides not only delicious Custard, but an end- a THE SHAVER’S DELIGHT.” leas variety of delightful, dainty dishes. 12 Mon . £ 12 NO ECCS! WO TROUBLE! NO RISK! ehitins Garten Tei nats 6 youn) “on PATTISON = AHEAD! WHUS K y’ Printed ie Wit am Stuart Smith, of No. %, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the ey - Za Middlesex, at the Eventing Offices of Messrs Lombay Bradbury Strogt, ia the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and published by him, at No. 86, Fleet in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London — by