Punch 1898-08-13: Vol 115 Iss 2979

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PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. a ILLUSTRATED WITH CARTOONS AND SKETCHES FROM “ PUNCIH."’ THE PouiticAL LIFE we Rt. Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE 4 a a Oa PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, A HISTORY. ILLUSTRATED FROM ‘* PUNCH.’’ The special and cheap edition now being issued will contain, when completed, nearly 500 Cartoons and Sketches from “PUNCH.” Nos. 1 and 2 now ready, price 1s. each, (“PUNCH™ OFFIOR, %, FLEET STREET. =, (> i Pidy ste Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. N° 2 VOLUME CXV. —_~+— AUGUST 13 PRICE THREE PENCE. = , 4 v iN i AAS Ali : / tf Mh ? s Sally NWOT PATA > MIAN y Hil i} |) HN ' NS fl! ak * I wiht adi il Y * Hl ae LONDON, Ask for Ask for WHISKY ana S c H W E Pp e 3 S BRANDY and “SCHWEPPE.” “SOCHWEPPE.” Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any Description, will not be returned unless accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. ee NOTICE.—Communications or

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avovsr 13, 1898. TRY IT IN YOUR BATH §, Y. “ARGONAUT” CRUISES, organised by Dr. LUNN and Mr. PEROWN, This magnificent cruising steamer, tonnage 24, RUBB’ S CLOUDY AMMONI A horse-power 4,000, is fitted with all modere on fort a i ta, ee FLUID ee St hem are ————- MARVELLOUS PREPARATION. oval, ‘iat Copennagen, Sct nolm, Wi pay Roy Ficanete ta Refreshing as a Turkish Bath pg ny ous | . £10 0s. CRUISE ROUND om @ ° See. | Invaluable for Toilet Purposes. 13 days) leaving ME ROUND TEE as Gp Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. £14 14s. CRUISE (19 days) CANARY Istps | Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing. Hy apy a ce fold everywhere, of sent on receipt of P.O. Bronze Allays the Irritation caused by Mosquito Bites. THE EMPEROR omens Ta TO PALES polished, Army quality, nick in Gt. Britain | Invigorating in Hot Climates. | — es Cruise tor this occasion to Palestine nly), for colonies and book oft s i post rate | Athens and Constantinople. 43 days or 35 , lor 4 be., "0 P. De ot. 6 Philip bane, re Restores the Colour to Carpets. for sh Oainens avian Oneshes"iaie ere Cleans Plate and Jewellery. | Gardens, Euston, London, N.W. Full detaile from the Secretary, 5, Endsicigh SMOKE THE CELEBRATED Price 1s. per Bottle. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Ete. SORUBB & CO., Guildford Street, Lambeth, 8.E. Orient Company § Pleasure Cruse by th eir . Steamship “ Lusitania,” 3,912 tons tf iJ ' tr sine Models, Perfo For CO -ENHAGEN, WISBY, STOCK. * | HOLM, =. PETERSBURG, BALTIC \ 1¢ ‘ANAL, ~~, London 17th August, / DOW, Tith September. returning f For SICILY, CONSTANTINOPL E, the | CRIMEA, GREECE, MALTA, ALGIERS, SWEETENED TOBACCO © / MAPPIN & WEBB’S . a “ | String band, electric light, high-class cuisine Managers, F.Green & Co., Anderson, Ander- son & Co. Head Office: Fenchurch Avenue. [NOWN ALL OVE WORLD st) KNOWN ALL OVER THD WORLI DRESSING BAGS Eee For pasmage apply to the latter firm af 6, Fen. ° ? church Avenue, London, E.C., or to the West | Will not split in the | End Branch Office, 16, Cockspur Street, 8.W a Se tear in th MANUFACTURED BY THE Fabric. Made In White, . Black, and all Fashien on ableColows and Shades, | —— in Italian Cloth, Satin, | | Fe a Cost, au, sn, . tpratas is Rota by ai the L j ; 1 Drapers | = = es Out hy AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL j > le i] -C round | to give \ In Silk on! See | And retailed by all first-class ae At. Trade Mart m tobaccon‘sts at home and abroad. ttt on Stud and Clip . —— > SELY. Protected by “ The finest and most luxurious Seaside Photography . . Patents and | Hotel in the World.” , R Woneand Charges Moderate. . . Simplified. = Abroad. Proprietors: THE CORDON HOTELS, LTD.

SOLD EVERYWHERE.

a ve j ALL HOLIDAY MAKERS l HOWARD § (LTD.) some: |[@E | neee.4) parquer

Landscapes, &c., witha . Sea "TYPHOID F FEVER. FLOORS 0 D A a steianiep § | OFFICIAL "GOVERNMENT ‘ 3” PULSOMETER ENCINEERING CO., LTD., STATEMENT— From per foot. 9 Eims Iron Works. LONDON. S.W Can be seen im operation at Showrooms, ‘* Wherever the Finest quality produced. Solid Oak Wall No Dark Room seeded for Gt Queen Victoria Stree’, Londom. ee hen 0. 6d. per fost. changing Films. “ PASTEUR (Chamberland) FILTER — sg oman’ nee e ‘No Better pends a has been introduced 25, 26, & 27, BERNERS STREET, W. Allen & “TYPHOID FEVER HAS DISAPPEARED.” THE MOST NUTRITIOUS. | Sold Everywhere. Sole Makers : F ? a S’ S - Hanburys’ J. Defries & Sens, Eémited, EASTMAN inaterair’ce., ua, FE en cgers weer CRATEFUL— COMFORTING Head Office— Fo Oo d nant Oe ee Bee 43, Clerkenwell Road, LONDON, B.C, 66 ) l ; N Cc at nt Retail Branches—6o, Cheapside, E.C. FoR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED. 115-117, Oxford Street, W, “ Excellent in quality and flavour.”"—Laxcr is being set up every week by __#71-47% Regent Street, W, | Sold Everywhere in Is., 2s., S., and lds Tins. J LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. Pa BREAKFAST—SUPPER. __ “FOR THE BLOOD 1S THE LIFE.” Bp | THE FAMOUS wale a COLDEN HAIR CLARKE'S | ;VouSna S| HOBARES. AUREDLINE PERFECTLY HARMLESS. WORLD-FAMED feetly osste: :. = Sold by P BLOOD MIXTURE oe = “MAB” ct ea "a ee, HOVENDEN «SONS =

Prices £1. Is. to 45. 84

Is warranted to cl anse the blood from all lack bandie 28 impurities, from yo ann ee For Scrofula, Scurvy, Eczema, version in- Pam ey 3... Skin and Blood Diseases, Phnpiee and & <% Black 7/8 Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- » 96 vellous. It is the only real for Send stamp for pam phiet. Sent post free. Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes 9 | BOTANIC MEDICINE CO. 3, NEW OXFORD 8r., W. ¢. | “MAB” Co., 73, Newhall 8t., Birmingham, the cause ~ L . blood — bones. _— —— bane detneronecmnsinntes dementene. ac — Thousands ¢ wonderful cures have been effected by it, In bottles, 2». 9d. and 11s. | “They come as a boon and a blessing to men, ans or Wonwuaes Sareat” The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pen.”

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Avcust 13, 1898.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 Nurse. Tommy (with interest), ‘‘ THERE ISN'T ANY WORTH EATING, IS THERE!” “ToMMY, THERE'S SOME JAM ON YOUR CHEEK.” DARBY JONES ON LAND AND SEA RACING. Honovrep Sir,—During my sojourn on the Sea, my thoughts have nevertheless turned with the Persistency of a Lover to the Main Attraction of Terra Firma. Need I say that I refer to the Sport of Em- perors, Kings, Grand Dukes, Noblemen, and the Baser Herd? This Yacht-racing business seems to me a Poor Thing com- ed with the Diversion of the Turf. rom the point of view of an Owner, I consider that the Marine Competitions are ridiculous ; from that of the General Pub- lic, valueless. Let me illustrate my mean- ing. A Sportsman such as the Duke of PorttanpD, Mr. Harry MoCatmont, or Mr. Gussins, invests a pile of Spondulicks in buying or breeding and training a Colt of Merit. This animal he enters for all the most Valuable Contests possible. If the Quadruped be of First-rate Quality, he not only recoups his Proprietor for his outlay, but also places many Thousands of Pounds to his credit at his Bankers in Stakes alone. I make no reference to profits to be made from the Wagering | | Ring. Even a Duke does not object to |his Fiscal Account being enlarged, and | Millionaires rejoice to be able to alle- |viate the necessities of their Poorer | Brethren with their gains. After his Turf Career is over, the Horse is still remu- nerative, either as the Progenitor of other Highflyers in Great Britain, or as a Costly Article eagerly sought after by Foreign Governments or American ondikers. The First-class Racehorse, then, has done more than paid for his Education and Grub. He has been an Investment of con- siderably more value than one in the Three per Cents. Moreover, he has been “a Boon and a Blessing” to those who have followed his Career, and have not hesi- tated to stake Coin of the Realm on his chances of Victory. Let me now turn to the Waves. A Rich Gentleman, partial to Canvas Struggles on the Briny, causes a Yacht to be built, with which he proposes to sweep the Seaboara of its prizes. I am given to understand that, apart from the A or No. 1 Expendi- ture concomitant with the Construction and Equipment of the Bark, he must spend | Ten or Twelve Thousand Golden Shekels per annum in keeping the vessel going. And what does he win with his Argosy, should she turn out to be an ocean La Fléche? Perhaps a few hundreds of pounds, which are handed over to the Greedy Mariners who navigate the Yacht, and a collection of Silver Pots not to be estimated by any Honourable Pawnbroker at one-fourth the value of the Gold Cup at Ascot. As to Bets, they are NIL, except when an inexperienced Sprat like myself is swallowed by a voracious Shark such as Captain Krirerion. Pshaw! And of what use is the most famous of these Cutters, Yawls and Schooners after, say, a couple of years, when craft of newer design have clipped her wings? “ Fire- wood” appears to be the only sane answer. Far be it from me to depreciate Yachting as a Pastime like Coaching, Cricket, Foot- ball, Quoits, or Shove-halfpenny, but as a Racing Medium—no, Sir, ‘tisn’t good eno for Your Devoted Dry-bob, Darpy JONES. HISTORICAL EXAMINATION PAPER. (Answers by Master Bob retwrning for Holidays.) Question. Who was Jutivus Casan? Give some account of his invasion of Britain. Answer. There was no such person as Juiius Casar; and even if he had existed, there would have been no such place as Britain in his time. Q. Give a short account of the establish- ment of the Saxons in England. A. Know nothing about the facts, but fancy they came from Germany. Q. Who was Witu14M THe Conqueror? A. Why, the Conquering Wriiiam. Q. Why was Wit.14M THE Seconp called Rurvs ? A. Because it was a deuced good name for him, and no one could think of any other. Q. Why was Ricnarp tHe Finer called Cavur pe Lion? A. Because it was rather the thing to talk French in those days. . Give a short account of the signing of agne Charta. A. It was done with a pen and ink. Q. What were the Wars of the Roses ? A. Probably the first attempt at a “battle of flowers.” Q. What do you know about Henry THe Eicatn ? A. That there were seven other Henries in front of him, and he had a history. Q. Who were the Sruarts and what did they do? A. Most respectable Johnnies. A lot of things. Q. What gracious remark did Cuaries THe Szconp make on his death-bed, and what occasioned it ? A. “What rot!” And probably he said it because some idiot had bothered him as some other idiot wants to bother me. But he won’t! Good-bye. Had Him There. Would-be Wag (to Stern Gambler). Now, you’re always playing at something. What do you suggest as a good firesi game—“ Cricket on the hearth” ? Stern Gambler (promptly). No, Sir; “ poker.” VOL, CXV,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARi. [Aveust 13, 1898. 2 2 SS i aN ‘ tt Lay ays te —! = = -- ° 2 Cy a » a » & .- fg ui OE as os Oo i=} i= Ww o 3 = i m & Os = 5 = BR > e Promoter. “ Kind hearts are less than coronets and simple faith in Norman blood.’ ’—(Lady Clara Vere de Vere adapted tozthe occasion.)

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Aveusr 13, 1898.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 63

HOUSE versvs GROUSE. Tue House is a blank desolation— Well, this is the moment for me To startle the slumbering nation, And let my constituents see That while others, intent on mere pleasure, Are tramping the heather for grouse, | I, faithfully watching each measure, | Still stick to my post in the House. | | Yet, London is horribly stuffy, | And Members who chance to be there | Are all far too hot and too huffy | To relish my eloquence rare, | What’s China, or what ’s Vaccination P— Sometimes when addressing the House, |

| I think there is worse recreation Than tramping the heather for grouse. | O Duty! O Vaulting Ambition! | How I tremble and crimson and blench | When I dream of a splendid position On the front ministerial bench. Yes, office !—Stop !|—Hills! Heather blow ing, The moor where the hawk strikes the mouse— But a title ?—Yes, dash it! I’m going— No, I won’t—yes, I will—to the—— ?

TIPS FOR TRAVELLERS. (Strayed from a Ladies’ Journal.) Fiosstzr.—Yes, the tour you sketch sounds delightful, including as it does Paris, Brussels. most of Switzerland, and the Italian lakes. But I’m not sure whether you will be able to accomplish this, as you propose, at a cost of £3 17s. 6d. Your scheme of labelling yourself and travelling by goods train is original, but perhaps not quite feasible. Why not try Southend for this year? PHILANTHROPIST writes to recommend Sandiford as a delightful holiday resort. The climate is delightful, the scenery lovely, and the accommodation at the “Black Swan” absolutely unrivalled. My readers may place implicit trust in this recommendation, since “ Philanthropist” is himself, I understand, the proprietor of the “ Black Swan.” Reciuse.—Yes, I quite understand your wants—some place out of the beat of the ordinary run of tourists, and where you won’t be pestered by excursionists. n- fortunately, the only means of finding such a - nowadays would be to join the next Polar expedition.

SHAKSPEARIAN MoTTo ror AveoustT 12. ** Now will I hence to seek my lovely Moor!” Titus Andronicus, Act I1.,8e.3. *

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Mi:k (‘* Boots” at the Ballyragg Hotel, knocking at Visitor's door at Four A.m.), “‘ FwHat ToIME WUD YE WISH TO BE CALLED THIS Moranuy’, Sonn!”

THE SCHOOLGIRL ABROAD. (Mrs. Creicuton, addressing the girls of Ken- sington High School, said the study of botany would help them to enjoy the beauties of nature.) Dzaz girl, who t as you ought When scientifically taught By able teachers, When on your holidays you go Nature to your trained eyes will Undreamt-of features. show While on some bank of moss or ferm Your sisters idle glances turn, Then idly press on, — That self-same spot, by you if seen, Yields to your observation keen An object-lesson.

You give no admiration To wallflower, lily or carnation That decks the border ; Each flower you skilfully dissect To wrest its secrets, and detect Its class and order. Beside the river bank (poor boy !) Your brother, with a joy A primeene'shace a Sewer to bi ower im— To you, dear child, it is a prim- ula vulgaris. So not an incident or sight Shall meet your gaze from morn to night, But dexterous turning Of showing off to others your Superior learning.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aucusr 13, 1898. oa %’ ‘* Pe : ‘ee s Sa, Y Z y WI, > vii Y ULI Cn te fl ~ / } A + - i wis 7 ws GZ : oO + ” +, va mes “Ns e . Hs “>. Yee ILL-OMENED. Mr. Grouse (who is being chaffed by his cousin, Mr. Partridge, at the outskirts of the moor). ‘“‘Ou, YES, IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR YOU TO SIT SMIRKING THERE; BUT, I CAN TELL YOU, IT'S DOOCED UNPLEA- SANT FOR OUR BRANCH 0’ THE FAMILY, 788 TWELFTH FALLING OW A Faipar!” —————— (a Pismarch. Born, 1815. Diep, Jury 30, 1898, Prince of the iron heart and iron hand! Lo, Death, thy single victor in the fight, Urges against thee now thine own demand, The claim that Might is Right. Yielding, thou hast the best of all awards, Peace from the strife in which thy prime was spent, Purer than any purchased by the sword’s Bloody arbitrament. And there thy Kaiser haply thou shalt see, Dear object of thy high Imperial schemes, And dearer by the change that banished thee To memory’s lonely dreams. With him in Europe’s history enrolled, Thy work, the Empire, shall forget thee not, When those that scorned thy service, being old, Themselves are clean forgot ! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tuere has been recently brought out by Messrs. Gzorcz Beit AND Sons, a most dainty ‘ket edition, in “one small volume and no more,” of Hans Hotnein’s celebrated Dance of Death. With what grim, satirical touch would not Hosein have added an anti-vaccination cut to his series! The introductory nets by Austin Dosson gives additional interest to this livrette ure. Excellently got-up, and_ clearly printed is the very handy series of “ The Temple Dramatists,” brought out by J. M. Dent & Co. The latest addition to this issue is Edward the Third, a play to which it is impossible to doubt that SaaxsPzarE was a contributor. Mr. G. C. Moors Sita, the present editor, is of this opinion, though against him are ranged some of the most foamed Shakspearian critics. Act II., Scene 1, is worthy of SHAKSPEARE. idea of a lover employing a poet to make love for him to his inamorata, is the chief motive of Cyrano de Bergerac. A coincidence. King Edward is the lover, and Lodo- wick is the poet. : XK. EB. Hast thou pen, ink, and paper ready, Lodowick ? Lod. Ready, my on ied , “Then,” says King Edward to him, “drop into poetry” (this phrase does not occur in the play), whereupon Lodewick in- uires : — . “To whom, my lord, shal! I direct my style?” King Edward tells him to address his poetic effusion to the Countess of Satissury ; but as it eventuates that Edward the Third is a better hand at “lyrics” than the essional gentleman whose services he has engaged, the King, after severely criticising the efforts of the hi poet, cries, “ Love cannot sound well but in love’s tongues ; Give me the pen and paper, I will write." Just as Lady Macbeth impetuously exclaims “Give me the er!” We trust there are many more as interesting volumes as this latest production from “The Temple Dramatists.” Something gorgeous in the way of journalism de luze is the English edition of La Mode Artistique, entitled, The Powder Puff. Queens, Royal Highnesses, Princesses, and Duchesses patronise it, so it uires no “puff” from the Baron, to whom, as a compliment to the Baroness, the number for July has been forwarded. Oh, the wonderful women with the fanciful figures and waspish waists! And the bathing ladies! Why not dress the entire ballet of baigneuses in Les Huguenots after the fashion shown at e five? Then there’s a scene in the salle & manger of that hotel in Paris, into which, on account of its ominous name, not even the most unprincipled debtor would dare to venture, viz., the Hétel “ Ritz.” The coloured fashion- plates are charming, especially the toilette de campagne créée pour Madame de P. (is it La Princesse de Petits-Pois?), in which the wearer must feel herself so free and easy, that were she to change her present attitude the effect might be fatal. On second thoughts, this work shall not reach the Baroness’s eyes, otherwise there might be a financial crisisin the City. “The owder Tuff, chez moi, must be discreetly bestowed, as powder puffs generally are,” quoth the judicious Baron ve B.-W. EARLY MORNING MARKETING. Sarah Jane. ‘1 po BELIEVE, Mum, aS WE'RE THE ONLY LIDIES IN THE Puce!”

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PUNCH, OR THE Loxp

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LOND CHARIVARI.—Avovser 13, 1898.

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Avcust 13, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. WITH a __ sii» 7 ALL THE COMFORTS OF HOME. Tue BIGGLESBY FAMILY FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE THEIR USUAL HOLIDAY AT THE SEASIDE THIS YEAR, BUT WITH THE AID OF * A FEW CARTLOADS OF SAND, AND A LITTLE IMAGINATION, THEY MAKE THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES IN THEIR BACK GARDEN, LE MONDE OU L’ON 8’AFFICHE. 1 THERE was a Time—inadequately sung When this extremely hoary World was young ; When none had learned, to any marked extent, How sweet the uses of Advertisement, Which, like the toad, as someone said, Still wears a useful jewel in his head. Blest Age! ere Modesty was yet a jade When even Authors loved the lowly shade : And sooner would have sunk inside the tomb Than urge the loud preliminary boom! No writer cared to sketch himself from life, Or tell = World how much he loved his wife ; No interviewer claimed the current prices For painting chaste suburban Saati — The lady-novelist among her flowers, The playwright plotting in his rural bowers. Waiving alike their private woes or whims, They sat apart composing local hymns; An 7 = themselves, in fine contempt for ame, By Homer’s (or another person’s) name. No publishers would wax nage eer . Because there were no publishers about ; And consequently nobody decreed What sort of stuff was proper stuff to read. No enterprising literary sweaters Assumed the thoughtful air of Men ot Letters, Or posed as patrons of the gentle Arts Because they sold a tale in monthly parts. No rising genius would hang his wall With ancestors that never lived at all; Or deem his penetralia incomplete Without a parent made in Wardour Street. No a tell his neighbour Who was 0, Because the other party always knew ; And people seldom spoke of blood and birth, When all were relatives of Mother Earth. No Baronet was seen to draw his sword Upon the offspring of a legal Lord ; Or went for bogus Barts. with naked fist, Seeing that titles did not then exist. In brief, the Earth was full of fair content Before the d——1 devised Advertisement ! But of the subsequent decline to speak Will take us more than one ensuing week. For ’tis, indeed, a very wide, wide World At which our homely paper-dart is hurled, Embracing many an inte ied tri The pushing faddist and the puffing scribe, The lnodinn histrion, the lobby-hack, The lying sportsman and the social quack, The climbing orator, the nouveau riche, Le Monde—as we may say—oii l’on s’affiche. “‘Sortes Virgiliane.” Evmentiy, says Our Own Schoolboy, the poet was prophetically alluding to vaccination when he wrote, “ Arma virumque cano!”’ which, rdless of gender, Our Advanced Seholar thus translates, “I sing of arms and virus.” CAGED BIRDS. “ Do not separate the couples. Give them time to make up their differences, and they will soon settle down.” —Advice on Canary Breeding.) Brrps in their ~ disagree, And much resemble you and me, Birds in their cages mope and mew, Reminding me, my dear, of you. Birds in their cages pluck out plumes, First one, and then the other, fumes, Birds in their cages fret and fuss, In fact, they quite resemble us. Birds in their cages take delight, Like common married folk, to fight, Birds in their cages, slang to speak, Come for decisions to the “ beak.” Birds in their cages will at last, Like us, forget about the past, Birds in their cages find it best To live in peace and mind their nest. Anotuer “ W. G.”—The Great Guwrw of Notts. Wuitt1am Gunn has been playing for eighteen years in first-class e8. This Gunn ought to be loaded—with honours, before he goes off. Up and Down. Weupow of Harrow resides on a hill, And till he’s a Bishop he'll live there still. But when he ’s a Bishop, as Bishop he ’1! be, He phy down the bill and he’ll go the See. =

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveustr 13, 1898, ~~. " Wuy, BILL, A PRODIGAL ’'S A SORT 0’ wor 's A PRODIGAL ID” Cove AS KFEPS ON COMING RACK!” THE NEW B.A. Tae Medical Press and Circular con- siders that hair-cutting and shaving ope- rations should be conducted scientifically by a barber with “a smattering of anatomy and some idea of “ manipn- and physiology,” leting the microscope.” A Tonsorial Tri- pos, to confer the degree of “B.A.,” or “Barber of Arts,” may be expected at Cambridge for the benefit of distinguished foreign artists. The following is the preliminary paper, communicated, under cover, to Mr. Punch:— 1. Draw a diagram of the facial tracts, indicating where you usually find the caro- tid artery and the jugular vein. 2. Show how to probe for the hyoid bone, where the subject has a double chin. Is this operation in all cases really necessary ? Give instances where it may be obviated. 3. Point out the advantages of a know- ledge of physiology in cranial manipula- tion; ¢.g., demonstrate the quickest way (a) to drown, (b) to freeze, a patient while he is being shampooed. 4. What physiognomical peculiarities indicate that a client (i) has cut lectures that morning; (ii) lives over a boot-shop in Green Street; (iii) has fifteen photo- graphs of Miss (the reigning ’Varsitv actress) on his mantelshelf ? 5. What is the exact phrenological meaning of the phrase “to make a bump” ? . Why is it necessary to use a short- focus object-glass and high-power lens in treating the upper lip of a freshman ? 7. How would you manipulate the Eng- lish language, so as to impart freshness to the statements (i) that a customer’s hair is getting thin; (ii) that you have exactly the needful corrective. 8. Give an ocular and oral demonstration on a bald old gentleman’s head of your general knowledge of civil engineering, spherical trigonometry. hydraulics, land- scape-gardening, phlebotomy and tommy- rotomy. Fasvra Narratur De Tea.—When it was publicly announced that Sir Tromas Lipton was building a yacht in order to compete for the America Cup, there was a rush to Mr. Punch’s office to suggest some- thing about “hoping there would be no slip *twixt Cup and Lip-ton.” Tt has been done before, and will probably be perpe- trated again. But @ vroenos of Sir THomas, would it not be best for him (and for those writing about him), invariably to sian himself. not “Sir THomas,” but “Sir ‘7.’ Lipton ” ? Ir sounps ike i1T.— Is “General Wueerer,” of whom we have recently heard so much, a distinguished bicyclist ? Ml alte. ee —T = = el ———— Ston &-Bracn-on-Sza, Tue SEASON MAY NOW BE SAID TO BE IN FULL SWING. A RISING WATERING-PLACE. Tuis MORNING A SINGLE-HANDED Necro ENTERTAINER GAVE HIS PERFORMANCE ON THE SANDS TO QuITE Five Prope.

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Aveust 13, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 71 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ExTRacTeD From THE Diary or Tony, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, August 1. —Something truly pathetic about look and bearing of Mr. Catpweti. Prorogation cannot now be long postponed. If on this day fortnight James were, by force of habit, to take a penny "bus as far as it bloodless character of rules governing debate in House of Commons that a man is positively permitted to make only one speech at the second reading stage of a Bill! It may be as long as he likes, and Mr. CaLDWELL, once on his legs, usuall likes. But opportunity is strictly defined. When proposal to read a Bill a second time has been made, a Member may move would carry him from Holland Road in the | the adjournment of the debate, talking at direction of Westminster Bridge, intent | length thereupon without imperilling his on holding forth to a witched audience on the subject of the financial relations of England and Scotland, upon fixity of tenure, upon the superannuation of ele- Kt ~S reer cnn a HK i A privilege of later delivering another pro- digious speech on the main question. So on Saturday, when artless Prince Arthur put forward second reading of Superannua- Business done.— Merrily clearing off arrears. Tuesday.—“ What I like about Yzr- BURGH,” says Sark, “is his pluck in blurting out to the face of ministers what other of their supporters murmur behind their backs. In club or smoking-room, on Terrace or in the lobby, wherever two or three ministerialists are gathered together, you are sure to hear them speaking dis- respectfully of the Foreign Minister, just as if he were the equator. When it comes to debate in the House, they sit silent. If any one ventures to put question to test of vote, they meekly obey gesture of We LL ANE 3) 4) AME AN Y DOULA OR MQ PEKINSKI SURELY A MISNOMER. |} | PROSPECT. *Mr. Y-rb rgh. “ Well, whatever George Curzon may say, I "ll be hanged if I call that an ‘ Open Door.’ ” mentary school teachers regarded from the | point of view of the Scottish law, he would | find the door of the House shut in his face. Close and heavy upon him looms the enforced silence of the Recess. For six long lean months he must needs shut up— at least, as far as public record goes. Remembers the old proverb about making hay whilst the sun shines. Will make speeches whilst the Speaker is in the Chair, and eke whilst an entirely unsym- pathetic Chairman of Ways and Means sits at the table. ad a rare slice of good luck on Satur- day. Prince Arruur, having spent a cheerful five hours in the Vaccination Hospital, proposed to run School Teachers’ Superannuation Bill through second reading. Here was chance an eagle eye trained among the fastnesses of Milton on | Campsie swiftly descried. tion Bill, expressing hope that it might be disposed of in a brief space of time, James—our James, Scotland’s JamEes— rising like a lark, carolled over the head of the wretched House for full twenty minutes, concluding by moving adjourn- ment of debate. Hapless ministers, feeling impossibilit of keeping House sitting further throu Saturday half-holiday, perforce consented. To-day Bill comes up again for second reading. James also up again in his — frock coat, his face fringed with we wan whiskers that have a curiously bored look, a dumb but eloquent appeal to passers-by to bring along a razor and deliver them. As Sark acutely says, “We can, and indeed do, flee from the premises when we see James rise. His whiskers must, Such is the! perforce, remain and suffer.” Whips; not only go into the lobby as directed, but give the Whips silver — boxes and gold match-boxes for sending them there.” I don’t know nearly as much about these (or any other) things as Sark does. Sup- pose if it came to anything like critical division, Yersurcu would go the whole match-box—that is, he would vote with his party even if he thought his esteemed Leaders were in the wrong. However that be, he to-night stood up boldly to his tors and masters on the Treasury . One of the veterans amongst them, Grorce Curzon to wit, was shocked, even deeply pained. What he can’t a-bear is the idea of a young Member, well groomed respectably connected, Major of the second volunteer battalion Cheshire Regiment one who has enjoyed the advantage of serving as private secretary to AKERS-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveust 13, 1598. JESSE IN THE CHAIR. Mr. C-ldw-ll. “ Mr. Lowther, Sir-—— !"’ Dovetas, but who has never travelled in Central Asia, Persia, Afghanistan, Siam, Hindo-China, Corea, not to mention the Pamirs, presuming to discuss questions of foreign policy. Worst of it was, Yer- BURGH sou he had thoroughly studied his subject, cogently, Prince was able to express his views and stood up effectively to Artucer, Joxim, and Ggrorcr Curzon, when in turn they interrupted him. A most promising speech, delivered under exceptionally embarrassing circum- stances with regard to hour of night and jaded condition of House. Business done.— Foreign Office Vote reported. Thursday.—‘ Thank Heaven for the House of Lords!” said Harry CHarp.in, mopping his massive but heated brow as, just now, he strode forth from the gilded chamber. Truly a great triumph for Pre- sident of Local Government Board. For weeks been fighting the Anti-Vaccinists at Ephesus—represented at Westminster by the Grand Committee room. Brought in his Bill; triumphantly carried second reading; at later stage clause introduced whereby a man having conscientious scruples might, undeterred by penal con- sequences, prepare the way for spread of small pox. Electoral exigencies compelled Government surrender. The conscience, or small pox, clause included in Bill and sent on tothe Lords. Ministerial majority in that House, regardless of the Whips, scored out the clause. Sark says it was Stantey or ALDERLEY did it. Impossible for the strongest pre- judice, the most loyal deference to party ties, to withstand his keen argument, his subtle irony, his flashing eloquence. I suppose that’s so; but I confess I didn’t hear a word of the speech. When Ar_essury had finished coughing out his observations, I saw a peer advance to table on Opposition side, There followed an in- terval of something like ten minutes, during which noble lords sat in attitude of polite attention. Meanwhile the yon stood at the table, turning his ad occasionally from side to side, now and then thumping the table, as if he had suddenly remembered something. Accom- panying the pantomime was faint rumbling sound, as if some one was imprisoned in the cellar, and was wanting to know when they would let him out for refreshments. At the end of ten minutes the peer gave the table a conclusive thump and sat down I thought he had at last remembered the something he had been groping after But Sark says it was STaNLey or ALDER- LeY either supporting or o 7. ™ the amendment, he didn’t , a which. How ever it be, the small pox clause was struck out and Caap.in revenged. Business done.—Government defeated in Lords on Vaccination Bill by 40 votes against 38. Friday. — FLETCHER again, vid Launceston. In erudition, ir scholarship, in intellectual force, the House, without taking thought, has ‘addec a cubit to its stature. Members al “unionist” in the hope that the brilliant undergraduate, who in his year cleared Cambridge of prizes, and has since cap- tured a foremost position at the Bar, has come to stay. Business done.—Resolve by 129 against 34 to disagree with Lords’ Amendments to Vaccination Bill. Movtrton back At Canterbury—A Fact. First Stranger (reading bill). And who are “ The Old Stagers ” ? Well-informed Visitor. A lot of worn- out cricketers who’ve had to take to play- acting for a livelihood. VICTORY (?) [“ The time has now arrived when it is impera- tive for => Ly ~ to fight to win, and not to lose. ae Quetcu scored 270 votes at Reading.’ + Daily Paper.) “No longer shall the I. L. P. Provoke your scorn or pity ; No longer shall the party “ A butt for Pressmen witty ; Another epoch ’s ushered in ; From this day forward we begin A new régime—we fight to win!” Declared the bold Committee. We heard, and trembling like a flock Of sheep, some danger dreading, We wondered for what hidden rock The country might be heading ; But, blest reef! we breathed anew, Vanished our fears of revolu- tion when we learnt how Mr. Q. Had “ fought to win” at Reading. HANDLING 4 Spabe tn THE “ QUARTERLY.” —In a Cuastorte for July, a reviewer, writin ‘The Mycenwan Age,” “The Greek Bie,” and other works of light and leading literature, gives his principal at- tention to “The Spade in Prehistoric Greece.” The interest of the reader is naturally aroused to know whether these Antiquissimi Greci did “call a spade a spade,” or whether they possessed any dexterous receipt for getting themselves out of the difficulty. The learned writer having found “reasonable links,” will no doubt in some future number, while reserving his spade for a trump card, rove the occasion offered by “ reason- oe links” to discuss Antediluvian Golf. Then as a sequitur, Classical Cricket and Pheenician Football. A CURE FOR THE SCORCHER. [According to the Medical Press, a new disease has been discovered by a French physician, and named by him, “locomotor hysteria.” The cipal symptom ‘of this malady is an uncontro desire to travel rapidly over the ground.]} rin- ble Deat gently, Man in Blue, Inflict no needless torture With bAton or lassoo Upon the giddy scorcher! Spare him the prison cell The handcuffs and the skilly, If, minus brake and bell, He coasts down gradients hilly. Spare him, I pray, the Law’s Stipendiary terrors, When once you ve learnt the cause Of headlong ’Arry’s errors. Hysteria, of the sort Called “locomotor” tersely, Has seized the wheelman’s sport Pervasively, perversely. Insidious, uncontrolled, The malady has tricked him— Tis useless then to scold A neuropathic victim | Tae Guinness Divipenp.—Nineteen cent.! Bravo! Stout and substantial! Noble is this distribution of Guinness! They give away the pounds and let the shillings take care of themselves. Query.—Instead of an Anti-Vaccination Policy, why doesn’t the Government adopt an Anti-Vacillation Policy ?

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~o~ weve ens Fe Bw PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevsr 13, 1898. THE STOMACH GOVERNS THE WORLD.’ —Gewenat Gorvos. DEPARTED ERRORS—‘ Our past oecomes the mightiest Teacher to our FUTURE ; looking back over the tombs of DEPARTED ERRORS, we behold by the side of each the face of a WARNING ANGEL.’ *THOU COMEST IN SUCH A QUESTIONABLE SHAPE.” —Lonp Lyrrow. ‘Moderation is the silken string running through the pearl chain of all virtues,’ y Branor Hat. pawns AN OVERDRAFT ON THE BANK OF LIFE.—Late hours, fagged, unnatural excitement, changes of the weather, sleep- | lessness, feverish cold, with high temperature and quick pulse, breath- ing impure air, too rich food, alcoholic drink, gouty, rheumatic, and other blood poisons, biliousness, sick headache, skin eruptions, pimples on the face, want of appetite, sourness of the stomach, &c. Use ENO’S W + rruit sar.’ SUNRISE OFT PROCLAIMS ITS VERDICT AND ITS WOE. CAUTION.—Ezamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO’S * FRUIT SALT.’ Prepared only by J. C. ENO, Ltd., } now I am restored to my usual health ; It is everything you could WISH as a SIMPLE, | SOOTHING, NATURAL, and HEALTH-GIVING agent. OVERSTATE its GREAT VALUE in keeping the BLOOD PURE and FREE from DISEASE by NATURAL MEANS. FIEADACHE AND DISORDERED STOMACH.—“ After suffering for nearly two and a half years from SEVERE HEADACHE and DISORDERED STOMACH, and after trying almost everything, and spending much mone benefit, I was recommended by a friend to try ENO’S ‘ FRU T SALT,’ and before I had finished one bottle I found it doing mea GREAT DEAL of GOOD, and and others I know that have tried it have NOT ENJOYED such GOOD HEALTH for years.—Yours traly—Venriras.” Only Truth can give True Reputation. The Secret of Success—Sterling Horesty of Purpose. Without it Life is a Sham | : The effect of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ on any DISORDERED, ‘| and FEVERISH Condition is SIMPLY MARVELJ.OUS. NATURE’S OWN REMEDY, and an UNSURPASSED ONE. Without it, you have been imposed on by a WORTHLESS imitation, ., ‘FRUIT SALT’ WORKS, LONDON, 8.E., by J.C. ENO’S PATENT. You CANNOT , without finding any Only Reality can be of Real Profit, SLEEPLESS It is, in fact, For Martell’s COLD EERINGS wicca. a (HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. ACIDITY of = wees ACH, HEARTBU RN, HEADAC HE, JT, and INDIGESTION Sold thro saghout the World. WRIGHT S =: ~-COAL TAR. FAMOUS MACGREGORS’ [TCHING WHISKY. ‘Che Spirit of tor the Age.’ PALATABLE. | PURE. Special Liqueur, 48) = per doz. Famous old Scotch, : 39/- per doz. Net Cash Carriage Paid. | MACGREGOR & TURNER, (EsTasiisnep 1859.) % & %, GREAT CLYDE STREET, GLASGOW. THOMAS TURNER & 00. Make Their Own Steel. FOE RR Hand Porged. Extra Hollow Ground Carety Set Guaranteed Perfect. See “ Encore” on Shank wen *-1 all i Deckers T. TURNER @ CO wae will » wupply through | agent Ask for “ Encore * Pocket and Table Cutlery. - or write ah to Makers, PORTABLE IRON BUILDINGS in any part of the King . AlsoGreen - houses, -houses,T'oultry | Houses, &€. Lists, Plans, and Estimates free. PERFECT. | Send for Pree List of Cases. W. COOPER, 7%, Old Kent R4., London, 8.E. | —_ SKIN DISEASES [nstant relief for torturing, Gtouing Ls ing, burning, and scaly skin and salp di with loss of hair, ina warm bath with Ov —— URA Soap, a single application of Cuticura (oint- ment), py 3 maw of CuTicura KesoLveyt, greatest of blood purifiers and Is sold a howe | the world. British depot: F. Newerat anton Porrra Dave ane Cur ru. Conr rops., Koston, U.8.A * How Sane hin ry shin Diseases,” post free. RED ROUGH HANDS “srscvurasie "|BRILL’S ‘Sum SEA SALT. Bracing and Refreshing. ‘CELLULAR DRESS SHIRTS. HEALTHIEST .vo BEST ror EVENING WEAR INustrated Price List of full range of Cellular Goods for Mer, Women, and Children, sent post | free on application. OLIVER BROTHERS, Ltd, 3, New Bond 8t., W. OLIVER BROTHERS, Ltd., aij , Oxford street, Ww. | ROBERT SCOTT, Lid, 4 "and 15, Poultry, B.C And Agents in al) Towns in the United See Price List for Names. humour cures, | (iticura IF YOU APPRECIATE QUALITY THE FAMOUS UAM-VAR SCOTCH WHISKY And you will not be disappointed. ->- INNES & GRIEVE Lro., EDINBURGH & LONDON. | | = COLDEN BRONZE HAIR. The lovely nuance “Chitain VFonete” can be im a /..Zie. Vor tinting grey or faded Hair 1 AMINE be invaluabie ROBBACH SPRINGS, Lt4, 19, Regent Street, 6.W

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE—aAvovsr 13, 1898, After Golf, or any other outdoor exercise, PEARS’ SOAP will remove sunburn, and produce a bright, clear complexion. Established over too years—20 International awards, Printed William Stuart @mith ,of No. %, Loraine Koad, Holloway, im the Parish of St. , Islington, im the County of Middiesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Brad , Agnew, & u bard Street im the Precinct of Whitefrian im the City of London, and pubiiched Oy him ot Ma. Bo Fleet Street, = the Parish of 8%. Bride City o London--Sarensee, Lugule