Punch 1898-02-26: Vol 114 Iss 2955

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PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. \ CHOCOLAT MENIER sd el Yip For . Perens’ Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. PRICE THREE PENCE. esses — ' «ae é yi '= mall ( hy) 5 ae a | sith 2 Set A) BY Oa tees Mera | ard a) eu) : ei Cer ~ PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, ~ LONDON. y i ‘4 C ADBURY’S COCOA _ MOST REFRESHING, INVIGORATING, AND SUSTAINING. Free from drugs or any foreign admixture, @@ NOTICE.—Commuznications or Contributions. whether MS., Printed Matter. Drawings. or Pictures of any description, will not be returned unless accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope. Cover, or Wrapper.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL— CHATTO & WINDUS'S NEW BOOKS. Tapouen THEGOLD-FIELDS r ALASKA TO SERIN He ts ime timed to suggest ‘ The offs Failure. as an alternative tithe for hie new volume , bet it ie « fellere on which he has better reason to congratulate himeelf than many bi ~5H Man on his suceess , for the opening rney led him etraight across the gold ukon The story of his rescue ot half the eleventh hour by « belated whaler is one of the most dramatic and thrilling bite of romance in real life | have read for some time.”—Pace Mart Case THE LIFE OF NAPOLEON III. By Aace iy 4 Possess. With 37 lliustratio of hie feids of the a3 'y e r snceivalé Portes’ * Life of Napoleon TIL” adds to the aceuracy of an historical anna! the charm of romance He has compiled « stirring narre- tive. With the first biastof the trumpet of war the STRAITS. ity | With Map _* 3 [Lastrations Ge TRY IT IN YOUR BATH Fesruary 26, 1898. SCRUBB’S ‘r: Price 1s. per Bottle. om AMMONIA ay "PREPARATION. 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CHARIVARI. 85 Fesrvary 26, 1898.] “ald "ARRY AMONG THE LONG TAILS. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ee \ He MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF A CouRSING JUDGE, BUT THEY DO NOT “HIT IT OFF,” SOMEHOW. ARS BREVIS! Tue St. James’s Gazette states that Mr Encetnarpt, a Chicago painter, “throws off marvellously clever paintings at the rate of nine minutes for large canvasses, and three minutes for small ones,” working in this way from ten to seventeen hours each day. As a result of his brilliant example, we may hope shortly to read in our papers such paragraphs as the following : — An interesting lecture on “‘ Modern Art ” was delivered last week by Professor StappasH, R.A. In the course of his re- marks, the Professor took occasion to pro- test against the excessive speed with which some painters complete their work. His views on this point were somewhat reac- tionary, and he caused a good deal of dissent among his audience when he main- tained that no artist should produce more than a couple of hundred finished pictures each week. As Professor SLAPpAsH is one of the Hanging Committee, it is possible that his opinion is influenced by the fact that rather more than two million canvasses were sent in to Burlington House last year. We hear that Signor Prestisstmmo, the celebrated Italian sculptor, is extremely | d ‘will recognise with delight the polished busy just now, and finds some difficulty in ping pace with his numerous commis- ‘sions. He is not, however, a slow worker. We were fortunate enough to spend a couple of hours in his studio the other day. during which time Signor Prestisstmo com. pleted six life-size statues, four beautifully- modelled groups, seven designs for friezes, and twenty-one small busts. But his ex- perience is that the sculptor who works at this rate is ill-advised if he attempts to keep it up for more thar fifteen or sixteen hours each day. General attention will be directed to his colossal figure of ‘‘ Hercules,” which is shortly to be exhibited, as it is understood that Signor Prestisstmo spent no less than twenty minutes in perfecting it. The state of the literary market is dull at present, the number of new books pub- lished last week being only one hundred and forty thousand. Probably there will be no great stir of activity until the Autumn publishing season comes round again. By far the most noticeable volume of the past week was The Growth of Man- kind, a comprehensive work in ten volumes. Such a work comes as a timely reproach to the facile scribblers of the present day, who may affect to despise the author of this masterpiece, because it absorbed his full industry for no less thana month. But the careful student of The Growth of Mankind accuracy of style and the profundity of knowledge which characterise it, and will 10t deem the month misspent, even though the whole of it was devoted to the composi- ion of this one masterpiece. Does the Poet-laureate earn his official income? That question is often asked by the public, and it is satisfactory to be able to answer in the affirmative. On Monday of last week, for instance, the Poet-laureate wrote four ballads, of about five hundred lines each. Tuesday and Wednesday he devoted to the composition of an epic »0em in ten cantos. On Thursday he pro- juced a translation of the Iliad, on Fiiday in original blank-verse tragedy. Saturday he regards as a holiday, and he wrote nothing on that day beyond a Nuptial Ode of a few hundred lines. Of course, many younger bards can finish their songs at a speed far ter, but for a middle-aged man, the a seems to us to be a very fair week’s work. It is said that the new “ Instantaneous Literary Supply Company” will be started next month. Commodious premises in Oxford Street have been secured, and the ge | will be prepared to prepare any kind of literature for their customers “while they wait.” A talented staff has been engaged, who will be able to produce literature of all kinds at the maximum speed and the minimum price. Mr Semrsreve, the eminent composer, asks us to state that he resents being un- duly hurried with his work. He wishes Festival Committees to understand that he cannot provide a new oratorio unless at least two days’ notice is given. Or a popular actress it was recently said, “she acts like a charm.” Yes; but what sort of “charm”? and then, what kind of effect has that “charm”? Circe exercised her charms on Ulysses’ friends. (Defeated—by Half an inch.) * So many boys are” offering themselves for the Navy, that the Admiralty have increased the stan- dard of chest measurement by half an inch.” Standard.) vou. CxIv. or

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86 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 26, 189> . eesti Ail iy ett (eb) y} A WE =/ NW ul i IE.) \ Freie: 3 ey: } saad WV Ky if" Y fi — — SWAY ly HE COMES WITHIN OUR REACH, I'LL SOON SETTLE HIS BusiInEss!” MY DEARS, Don’t BE ALARMED, Father Thames (to Henley Naiads). * | Tke G. W..R. Company must_have known_that their-contemplat against any interference with the Thames at spots so sacred to all “* Times,” February 14.) Marlow to Henley would raise a storm of opposition . * A Correspondent” in ed line from oarsmen.”’— Vide -

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Fesruary 26, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 87 AIRS RESUMPTIVE. THE PLAINT OF DYING HUMOUR. (After C. 8. C.) [“ It is reported that Sir Lewis Morris” (M.A., Author of The Epic of Hades, Songs Unsung, s without Notes, &c., retired candidate for Carmarthen Boroughs, and J.P.) “has complained that laughter is dying out.”"—Daily Paper.] I know not what the cause should be That Humour melts my heart no more ; That nothing now induces me To roar. In days of old my waistcoat heaved Conjointly with my heaving chest As soon as ever I perceived A jest ; The simple pun, the patent wheeze, Would take me in the diaphragm ; But now I hardly care for these A cent. I almost fear—I know not why— That Laughter’s fount has been mislaid ; I could not giggle, not if I Was paid. And yet my health is very fair ; I harbour no religious doubts ; | And am but sixty-four or there- -abouts. Time was when I and others laughed ; When many an apoplectic fit Was traced directly to a shaft Of wit ; For such would find the harness-joint, And pierce the vulnerable spot, Whether they chanced to have a point Or not. I’ve been, myself, severely blamed For causing careless men to choke, Though (wittingly) I never framed A joke. You know the “Welsh Harp,” Hendon way? Well, I had one—it came from Wales ; On this it was my pride to play The scales. Occasionally I would strike Such notes as never yet were heard ; Or even sing without them, like A bird. I sang for joy with either jung; I draw applause from youngish maids ; And had a small success among The shades. And once, when I was straitly pressed To go and stand for Parliament, I ceased my ringing (by request) And went. I went and canvassed. Celtir fire Flamed in my eye and scorched the lid ; And — they asked me to retire, did. I settled down again and played The same old harp with all my might ; And subsequently I was made A knight. But when the ever-verdant bays Alighted on another’s head, Somehow I deemed that Humour’s days Were dead. And yet, who knows? Some Orpheus now May strike his rib-compelling lyre Till man and tree and pensive cow Perspire ! | ics i ™ >: * Tenor (singing). ‘Ou, ‘apry, 'arry, 'arpry BE THY Dreams —~” Professor. ‘‘ Stor, stor! Wuy pon’r you sounp THe H?’ Tenor. ‘IT DON’T GO NO 'IGHER THAN G!” Suppose, for instance, J shoutd hum e sort of things I hummed of yore, And take my jocund harp and strum Some more :— The Spirit of Laughter—if I’m right— Though sadly worn is still alive ; And, under these conditions, might Revive ! THIRTY YEARS HENCE. (Echoes from a Twentieth Century Theatre.) Fancy people wearing gowns without at- mospheric extenders in 1898! How ridicu- lous they must have appeared ! And that funny, shapeless sack used to be called a Russian jacket ! How could they have put on those huge hats, all muslin and feathers ? And think of any one having twelve but- tons to one’s gloves! You may be sure they did wear jewelled d -collars round their necks. k at their hair! Why, it’s a regular bird’s nest, with a bob at the top! Imagine any one muffling up one’s face with a veil nowadays! Grandpapa used to put that stove pipe, silky-looking thing on his head and all it a “topper.” Taking tea at five and dining at eight, what hours! Oh, dear! what a funny idea to nail soup plates to the walls and cover the floors with rugs: How could they have managed to read with that antediluvian electric light ? Those rolled-up things were called um- brellas. - And yet there was something pic- turesquely quaint about the general dis- comfort of the period. Losic.—“ It must be obvious,” said the Lady Lecturer, ‘‘ that the girl is infinitely superior to the boy. The man who is cheerful we describe as buoyant; but the brave and courageous man is ga/lant.” [ Resumes her seat amidat | ud applause. — - —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ee [Fesavary 26, 1898. == L—_— SOMETHING LIKE SPORT. (As practised amongst our poor gulls, &c.) Shooting Fiend (to Inquiring Stranger). ‘‘'OW po I GET ‘EM IF THEY FALLS INTO THE Sea? Lor’ BLess y’, WHY, I DON’ WANT "EM. ALL I WANTS Is THE FUN ©’ FETCHIN’ OF 'EM Down!” his own way he would abolish the teaching of in schools entirely . . . | because it » fe the subject farthest from real iif | Exper, under the title The Tragedy of the Korosko. The mate- ADMIRABLE CREIGHTON. (“The Bishop of Lonpon, in distributing the certificates to competitors for the County Council Scholarships at Queen’s Hall, declared that if he could get e.”"—Daily Mail.) Dr. CreicnTon, what ho! good old Bishop, well said! This time, Sir, you hit the right nail on the head. Why waste precious time learning goodness knows what, I fully agree with you, grammar is rot. ~~. ell But, right reverend Sir, I go further than you, I don’t see the use of arithmetic, too; And geography, history, science—I feel There ’s something about them distinctly unreal. Then strictly I’d carry your principles out, And spend all my school-time in “ mucking about ”: Thus gaining experience and shrewd common-sense, And saving the pater a needless expense. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Like an earlier and even more distinguished excursionist, Mr. Conan Dorie did not “go down into Eaypt ” for no . He brought back with him materials for a story, published by Situ, rials are exceedingly simple. A party of Coox’s tourists set forth on the familiar journey up the Nile. They are seized by a rty of Dervishes, carried off into captivity, and rescued by a tachment of the Indian Camel Corps. Out of these somewhat commonplace materials, Mr. Dorie has fashioned a story of breathless interest, lightened by many touches of character, and framed in the carefully-studied atmosphere of the Nubian desert. The story will not rank among his supremest efforts. But it is full of life and colour, a pleasant companion for a restful hour. It is an exceedingly difficult task to write a volume chiefly composed of the sayings of children. Beyond the fond family circle a little of this kind of wit and wisdom goes a long way. In The Professor's Children (Lonemans), Miss E. H. Fowxer has, | my Baronite tells me, adventured this task and has accom plished it. The dainty book is a close sympathetic study of the child- | mind, and the narrative is full of those quaint fancies which find birth in its virgin soil. Tue Baron ke B.-W. “ po ” atin ‘@ | the link between the elders and the youths; MUCH ADO” AT THE 8T. JAMES'S. | |’ ‘a Benedich Wk the oe : As Mr. LoweLt observed, or quoted,| manhood, and fully eight years older which he should have traded when con™ templating the part of Benedick. With | prime of his another two months’ careful study and | ‘‘The man who never makes a mistake| than Beatrice, who had resolved to die an | will never make anything,” and on this| old maid unless she, like Benedick, should oy @ propos of the recent production of | live to be married. In point of age, Beatrice Much Ado at the St. James’s Theatre, I| isto Hero, as Benedick to Claudio. Beatrice is venture to think that Mr. Gzoroz ALEX-| not a Miss Hoyden, nor is Benedick a “ touch- ANDER, as PaT MULLIGAN put it, “ has a|and-go” Charles Hurcourt; Miss JULIA | greater future before him than ever he had| Ner_son would be quite unfitted for Miss behind him.” Could scenery, for the most | Hoyden, while Mr. ALEXANDER carries in part excellent, and sumptuous costumes of | his face just so much of cynical expression artistic design, contribute more than their | as would make the character of the careless fair share towards making a success, then, | young roysterer quite unsuitable to him, for what is lacking in the merits both of| though it ought to be a natural gift on | stage management and of acting, full) compensation would have been made in| this revival, which cannot fail to be com- | pared by playgoers, those uncompromis- | | ing ‘‘old hands,” with a representation of the | | same play, not so very long ago, at another | | theatre. Such comparisons are, as we are | | aware, ‘‘ oderous,” and to be altogether | | avoided. That Mr. Gzorok ALEXANDER | looks the Benedick, “‘a young Lord of | | Padua,” would be undeniable, if that uncon- | firmed bachelor wereof the same age, or even younger than that other ‘‘ young Lord of | | Padua,” Signor Claudio, whom he disdain- fully terms ‘‘ boy,” just as do those two) reverend seniors, Leonato, the father, and | Antonio, uncle of Hero. Benedick, it may | be fairly assumed, is older than the two! Princes, Don Pedro and Don John, and, “| trusted with le... If I beyond all question, than Claudio. He is — blr tangy bee mouth, I would bite.” (Act L, sc. 3.) intelligent rehearsal, Mr. ALEXANDER | might have given us an ideal Benedick, and | a perfectly stage-managed representation | of the play, which, as it is, seems to justify its title of Much Ado about Nothing. When Mr. ALEXANDER comes to the | serious dramatic situation where he breaks | with the Prince and challen Claudio, how excellent he is! He would have done well had he turned back and studied the | character from this one standpoint. The | two scenes in the garden, where, first, Benedick overhears Don Pedro, Claudio and Leonato talking about the love of Beatrice for him, and, secondly, where Beatrice (apparently in a sort of bathing costume) overhears the discourse of Hero and Mar- garet about the love of Benedick for her, show such a lack of resourceful stage management as brings out all the glaring — bilities of the situations, and thus uces comedy to mere farce. The pre- sent arrangement may be supported by every sort of old-fashioned precedent and stage tradition, but Mr. ALEXANDER would have done better had he determined to ** reform it altogether.” Mr. Frep TERRY is a merry Don Pedro, with just such princely dignity as is suffi- cient to mark the distinction of his rank. But how loud the three laugh and talk when Benedick has them in view! How

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| they “give themselves away” by the’ Fesavary 26, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89 Ls ones oe oy 6 $A ; . gaan opal 4 Ata thug BV OL oe ‘ad oy NJ r ian BEI ad) ‘ ~ AL (Sh ate a ee, COLD COMFORT. ls a ty ’ EP fi v WY NG y sieht PPT OY yy ¥- i ie ' | oe 4 i ay —_ - ‘On, Tom, HOW LUCKY YoU HAVE YouR MacKINTOSH ON!” affected gravity of their exit ! Mr. NuTcoMBe GOULD is a stately friar, a little too lavish of informal and eccentric blessings. Miss Fay Davis seems to be thrown away on Hero, or Hero thrown away on Miss Fay Davis: a knotty point not to be decided off-hand. The low comic parts of clown Dogberry and pantaloon Verges are— well, I may here make a comparison, putting it in the form of a question, and asking if there be any playgoer who may remember being taken, when he was quite a boy, at a genuinely critical age, to see KEELEY as Dogberry and BucKSTONE as Verges ?* Oh, the impenetrable stolid stupidity of that Dogberry / and the obse- | quious admiration of that deaf old Verges / | Pussons, Mr. W. H. VERNow is a noble and dignified Leonato, failing only once, and that is when, during ‘‘the chapel scene,” he asks in a light-hearted way if anybody would oblige him with a sword, just to put an end to his life. And the Antonio of a rage org is excellent, conveyi e idea that he is a t tconaiion, and has just returned be little tour in Ireland, where he has caught just the least taste in life of the brogue, and is ready at the shortest notice to whip out a shillelagh and cry ‘‘ Wigs on the Green!” before Claudio and Pedro » * I cannot, however, find, in the Henry Irving per ge Cy record of 7 24 and ae mg oe ving berry an or, together - Bia ana 1983. = | tween 1 be know where they are. Capital! ’umble opinion, it would be very difficult to find a better representative of that melo- dramatic villain, Don John, than is Mr. H.B. Irvine. But Oh, Mr. Irvine, junior, be- ware of adding syllables and dropping the y Benedick (to Beatrice. “1 will go with thee to thy uncle’s.” (Act V., sc. 3.) voice! beware of mannerism, for this Dun John is but a twin brother to that part of a quite modern up-to-date villain wherein you so recently distinguished yourself, at this theatre, on these very boards! On the whole, the revival will excite curiosity, which will be allayed by the time the next novelty is ready for production. ' In my “WILL THEY COME?” Tue following advertisement is cut from the Liverpool Daily Post :— “If Many Jang Brown, who in the year 1871 lived in Shakespeare Street, or her Representatives, if dead, will apply to the Undersigned, she or they may hear something to their advantage.” There is something particularly uncanny in this business-like calling of the spirits from the vasty deep. Why are Mary JANE Brown's representatives to apply only ‘if dead"? Noparticular sartorial directions are given ; but it is reasonable to suppose that if they apply they will turn up in their shrouds. Pat will be a nice expe- rience for the office boy in the service of the advertising solicitors. He should im- mediately poe for a rise in his wages. Tertium Quid. (A new way with the Peers.) Once thus the option ran :— ‘* Mend ’em or end 'em.” Now AsquiTH’s milder plan Is Referendum. A veny Important “ M.P.”—He is to be found in Nyasaland. His name is MPsen1, said to be able to put 30,000 warriors in the field. What M.P. can absolutely com- mand so many voters? A curate for half a century was last week spoken of in the D. 7’. as something won- rful. But what is a curate for fifty te compared with a “ Perpetual Curate ”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 26, 1898. i cerrease = Ws NS ” MME Ae Bynes Tetidse (: “4 ‘“MUMMY DEAR, CAN'T WE PLAY AND BE JOLLY TOGETHER? You ARE SO—SO DREADFULLY Grown-uUP!” LUDWIG IN LONDON, PICCALILLI. Honovurnep Mister,—In Berlin the stranger visits first the remarkablest street called Die Linden, or more solemnly Unter den Linden, under the limes. Therefore in visiting London’s Sehenswiirdigkeiten I go first to piccalilli—ah no, you write the names of streets and places with a big letter—Piccalilli, the Limes of London. I remember the name because I have seen it on a bottle of the english “ Piccalilli Pickles.” When I lern 1 strange language I notice and remember everything. I go from the boardinghouse near the Naturalhistory Museum which the young barrister now says was made in Germany. i think that this is false, falsch, but perhaps he means that the urchitekt was a German, which is very probable as the building is like a german one. Besides the german architekts are the best in the world. I believe that ore of them at the present time restores and improves the Parthenon in Athen. But I can not understand why a german architekt should make a building which looks like Stilton cheese. From there I go in the omnibus to’ Heidpark Corner. The entrance of your park is like the Brandenburger Thor in Berlin, but not so large and not so handsome. In the park there is no beautyful, wide alley like the Charlottenburger Chaussée in our Animalgarden, and what is still badder—ah no, more bad— one can not go in the park in a omnibus, or even in a “keb. Of course there are no tramways, because you have them not in London. I walk not willing, so till now I see not the Heidpark. As regards Piccalilli, I like not the street at all. Ah, Mister Punch, you should see our Limes in Berlin! I mean not the limetrees, which are an awful scrubby lot of trees. I mean the street, which is the beautyfulest street in Berlin, and in the world. It is quite straight, it is quite flat, and it is more than 180 foot wide. Prachtvoll! Your Piccalilli is not straight, it is not flat, it is about sixty foot wide, it is not even the same wideth all along, and the houses only on one side are all different. Abscheulich ! al There is only one thing in it which pleases me, and that is | what I see at first when I step out of the omnibus. It is the | Bildsdéule, picturecolumn—that is, statue—of the Duke of WEt- | LINGTOWN, who was the general of the english army commanded by Feldherr von Biucner when the latter conquered NAPOLEON. | I see immediately that it is a awfully fine statue, and afterwards | I discover the reason. It was made by a German. WNatiirlich! The german artists are the best in the world. I know not if you have any good carvers m England, but of course they are not so clever. It pleases me that the Englishmen must employ not only german waiters, but also german carvers. “ Deutschland, Deutschland, iiber alles!” As I speak of statues, I may say I have seen the statue of Boapicra, the first Queen of England. I admired that statue, and at first I thought it was also made by a German, because it is so beautyful and warlike. The young barrister admires it not. | He says it is “a rotten thing made of plaster.” If it is made | only of plaster of course it must soon rot. In Berlin all the statues are made of marble or bronze. I walk a little along Piccalilli. I am quite astounded that I see not there, or in any street, even one lieutenant. In Berlin, as in every german town, one sees officers everywhere. I know that the ridiculous english army is very little, and that there are now so many generals with the soldiers in India that there can be no more english generals anywhere else, but I had thought I should see leastways Leuteneats in London. But no. The young bar- rister says “ All those Johnnys go about in Mufftea.” I can not find this word in my dictionary, so it must be a town or province somewhere, perhaps in India, where the tea grows. But even if all the lieutenants called Jonnny are travelling in the province of Mufftea, where are the lieutenants not called Jonnny? I know not. Obediently, Lupwie.

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“IT’S THE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 26, 1898 “ FINANCIAL RELATIONS.” Chorus of Long-lost Brothers. S-np-rs-n, H-ty, L-cky (singing) :— MOST DISTHRESSFUL COUNTHRY THAT EVER YOU DID SEE! WE WANT SIV’N HUNDRED THUUSAND POUNDS FROM THE SAXON TREASUREE!”

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Fesavary 26, 1898.]

j = = = i —— = . - s— ~~. AT THE POST.

First Gentleman Rider. “‘Wuo 1s THE SWELL ON THE Lame Horse!” Second G. R. ‘‘Ou—rForcet nis NAME—HE's THE SON OF THE GREAT FURNITURE MAN, DON'TCHERKNOW,” first G. R. ‘Goes aS IF HE HAD A CASTER OFF, EH!”

LAST THREE WEEKS! Sir Everett MI.vais was an instance of an ‘early master,” for, at eleven years old, | Master Mitiars was admitted student of | the Royal Academy. And how interesting in this collection are the gradual upward steps of an Art Pilgrim’s Progress. Here is seen how he was allured on the way by a Pre-Raphaelite — from whose fascinations escap- ing, he became stronger than ever, knowing thenceforth what to avoid. Who could be- | lieve the “ Cymon and Iphigenia” of 1848 to be by the same nand that gave us “ Stella” twenty years afterwards. Even two years made a vast difference, witness the “ Conclusion of Peace” (1856), with its capillary aureole of ripe corn, and arms and hands belonging to anybody and every- body, in the picture ; also the now famous “Vale of Rest” (1858). Yet with all his masculinity, what sentimental book-of- beauty kind of lady in fancy-dress armour | is his “Joan of Arc” (1865). But how | grand, how life-like, are most of his por- traits! His “Sir Henry Thompson,” his “ Sir Richard Quain,” his “ Tennyson,” his “Mrs. Beddington,” ind “ Mrs. Bischoffs- heim,” and his three lovely ladies at cards | waiting for “a fourth” to be partner to one of them. Then there ‘s “ Master Bub- bles,” used to adorn the House of Pears. | Lastly, the old warrior, the “ Yeoman of the Guard,” perhaps the most memorable of the whole collection. The exhibition | closes March 12, which is advice gratis to | those who would be sorry to have allowed such an opportunity to escape them.

Picturesque London, by that eminent Dickensian student, Per se FitzcEra.p, will (of course) be followed up by Pick- wick-turesque London. If not, why not, as P. F. is the man to do it ?

“ Why don’t the Authorities take « hint from the Adverts # and luminate the Sieh? at ne time wi - P electric-lights peri- ment with the Grif tret.

THE CHAIR OF NEWSPAPERS. Actine on the suggestion of Mr. Jonn Mor.ey, Mr. Punch, as coon as he founds his new “Settlement,” will appoint a gen tleman to the Chair of Newspapers. e Professor must be prepared at any moment to deliver a course of lectures on any sub- ject. The following is offered as a sample of syllabus : — 1. The Road to Chitral—Who made it? —Who said he had made it ?—Who did not know whether he had made it ?—-Who was silent about somebody else having made it ? When and how he found out that he had made it himself ? 2. Financial Relations of Ireland.—Inci- dence of taxation.—Am>-int of taxation per head of population.—Consumption of alco- hol per head of ulation.—Royal Com- mission.—Blue Books.—Conclusions. 3. The Cesarewitch.— Rac'ng.— General history.— Chariot-racing in Rome.— The uadriga, meta, currus.—Racing in Eng- d.—Newmarket.—Cesarewitch .—Proba- ble starters and prices.—Straight tips from the stables. a 4. The nd of Talienwan.—Origin of the myth.—Times correspondent.—Growth. —Decay.—Lord Sarissury. 5. Hotels.— ement.—How to make them pay.— Butchers’ bills.— pate, five . &

hundred per cent.— Lignts,” 1s. ‘ pound.— What the cats eat.”—Position of shareholders.—Conclusions. “<Tae happy is content with his lot,’ and,” continued the Cynic, “ requires a lot to make him contented.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 26, 1898.

MR. PUNCH’S “ANIMAL LAND.” (With Acknowledgments as before.) The Jappspete L ytervaysha

: : pe, =" slit WY Sich nce | his tin litle Poul he £ ak Tre, dpe little att us a tere fond we Pomel 2 covers humse un silk and potey ta we gral pene Livese ey _ Jerchay eve day and ie al Mare dng chest, sme <4 and = Fay bry an m yt try to shbread himsel4K ‘s ag, gemages ; moe : and is oh ornament He has hea hae the the Kast Devedtly an ennem hus meee ie uf AS ibtle vllin . ’ cally doesnt Le yD mac roy ere Mee hee Tehri a ~ toh ight & ¢ Ne har He ahi you an an is tad coh i YLS and 6 mos og aA A nelle he gat tin ETT SAIS Dangs ane They say eke growing “we 5 mat & the in the Cloakvoom 3 . p a pigtail - he ‘° | TEETOTAL CAMPAIGNERS, The Conersoil LADIES OF THE PRESS” AT THE EMPIR«. Uhe €y 001 Wuat’s this I hear at all! “ All ones ~ 2 - coe ge pr 8 —— cants that's hne language for good | Shurlacomls — . the pat. eo Eres f Mr liquor stopped during tne Egyptian \ Guones Senseen, . 4 powess he of campaign” (a word that’s so like cham- We n3ve 8 Sovnew pagne, good luck to it!) by order of Gene- | ral Gatacre, and “ only cofiee allowed on | the march to Abu Dis ”"—("" A bu-titul idea, truly!” as my old friend Maurice O’ Shaugh- nessy might have said), and then “the | troops stopped at Ghegni for tea”!!! Is it a mothers’ meeting 1 m reading about rf What ‘ud they do on St. Patrick’s Vay? Oh murder! just to think of the difference in our time in the Peninsula, and under the iron Duke more betoken! Irue, we had hard times occasionally, with hard biscuit and harder beef, but there was always a drop of “the cratur’ to sotte. us. Ah! the sweet cratur she is! All spirit, yet plenty of body! And how | the mischiet could we have drunk the toast of “to the greatest Irishmen that ever lived, St. Patrick and Lord WELLINGTON,’ it we had had but a cup of tea to drink it in, ike bread-and-butter misses at a board- ing-school?’ Just cast your eye over the bill of fare in the true story of Charles O’ Malley told by Cuartes Lever! Why, just be- tore Fuentes d’Onoro—“ the night before LARRY was stretched ”"—didn’t we enjoy the heighth of good livin’, and of good feedin’, and good drinkin’? “Sherry, champagne, Londcn porter, Malaga, and even, I believe, | Harvey's sauce, were hobnobbed in; while hot punch, in tea cups ”—that ’s the way we used owr tea-cups—* or tin vessels, was un- sparingly distributed on all sides.” Mark | the word “ unsparingly.” And now? Ab! | “ Blessed times on my life! I wish we had) them back again!” with a butt of the

n Ne cavtt#ll wou he Ly Oat arecfive aihgam is vey quae I a

Eh rae 5 Bien Neola

. Flatfoot (to disconsolate owner of suburban lake, where, in a hard winter, the Fourth Estate’ (some say it should be called the Fifth) from the time of Caxton to the end of the nineteenth century. In the initial tableau the first printing-machine is destroyed by office “ devils,’ much to the regret of the master of the chapel. How- ever, all things are set right by the arrival of a most charming representative of the | Liberty of Journalism, who dances off the senior pressman through th«+ centuries to Fleet Street in 1898. Here Caxton “ as- | sists” at the wooing of a typewriter by 4 | young gentleman selling “ specials,” tinds most of the offices of the Reding papers within eye-shot. But the Liberty of the Press has something better to show her guest. Caxton is carried into the Hall of the Periodicals, over the door of which appears the comforting legend that “the pen is mightier than the sword.” Then comes one of the prettiest ballets of modern times. Dailies, weeklies, illustrateds, fa- shions, and sporting and dramatics in turn. Every paper of any importance having an office in London is seen to the best advan- tage. Never was there a more beautiful sight, and never a greater triumph for wo- man journalism. As a climax Mr. Punch himself appears, hale and hearty, and clad in court dress. With the l'imes he sup- ports the old gentleman with the scythe, and shows that the world could not get on without them. It may he confidently pre- dicted that for months and months to come the pa rs on the stage of the Empire will keep the “ paper” out of the auditornum.

“King of Spain’s sherry!” What’s the; f unds are netted). Well, never service coming to? Sir, the service is poo Mr. Foon , an American friend tells} Uxpoverep Dock Lasourgers.— Gentry going to tea-pot. me that we’re certain to have capital | confronted with a verdict of “guilty” by Yours, Mazes Monsoon. | skating in July or August. the jury.

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Fesrvuary 26, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. s SS a ~\ fi) \ “> ° \ ( a, WN aA Brown (after an hour's digging for the ferret), “‘CALL THIS RasBit SHoortrn’ ? a! “i = " 1 Z ag ih aly, Li A 2 Za DPW > Se ii 4 - 7 ; P, . I _ 7 o Le ; A as ZT cat it LANpscare Garpentne !” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary or Tony, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, February 14. —As a rule, nothing so dreary in House of Commons as a full-dress debate. One fatal condition is that the talk shall last a certain period—four days, three days, or, in merciful conditions of this week, two days. That limits possibilities of dreari- ness. But it suffices to invest performance with air of unreality. The stars in either party firmament will shine only at a particular hour. When their turn comes they blaze away at prodigious length. Intervals of dinner hour and the like are filled up by Members whom no one cares to hear. This is one of the things they certainly manage better in the Lael. This Chitral debate was foredoomed by circumstances attending its commencement. Through recess Opposition been girding at Government, charging them with ill-con- sidered policy leading to disastrous war. ‘Only wait till Parliament meets. Then, in spite of our numerical weakness, we will crush this foolish, iniquitous Govern- ment between the upper and nether mill- stone.” Attack naturally expected on opening night of Session. But whole week frittered away in talk round impracticable amendments moved by inconsiderable pri- vate Members. To-night, when battle actually opens, Members already worn out. Tired of the whole business. Di to let off easy the worst Government in the world, if they may only go off to dinner or to bed. “T happened, when a boy,” says the Member for Sark, dropping into auto- biography, as is his use when bored, “to get my earliest instruction in a “ Grand Cross.” Fons et origo of all the trouble on the Frontier?! fighting school. The chief business in the morning classes was to arrange one or two bouts of fisticuffs in the dinner hour. But they always came off ut earliest possible moment. Wasn't the custom for one boy, small or big, to go up to another on a Tuesday, and tell him that on the following Monday he would punch his head. The meeting was arranged for the earliest moment after noon, and invariably came off. off the pinkin | truculently stu nothing to the lished. Business for a week, whilst they a Blue Book which adds broad facts long ago estab- ~ Lawson done. WALTON, amendment to Address, attacking Minis- India. Tuesday.—Athwart the depressing atmos- bere of the pumped-up indignetion about Phitral flashes a gleam of light. Through the recess, and at opening of debate, Oppo- sition accused Members of being responsible for what MAcLEAN, a teow 4 bee ar man who knows his India, describes as the most inglorious war the British army has ever been engaged in, an unprovoked contest, the consequence of an utterly futile policy. Ministers, less eager to defend their polic than to evade responsibility, say it is all due to their predecessors. It was Lord RosEeBery’s Government that first went to Chitral. Successors compelled to follow in their footeteps. That much more cheery than the alternative proposal in fayour with our | | Captains, who, longing to be at ‘em, put mildest-mannered pirate at the Bar, moves | terial policy on North-West Frontier of |

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96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL In course of disputation somebody threw out suggestion that the real criminal is Lord Cross. In 1889, when he was at India Office, he officially approved project for opening a direct route to Chitral from the Peshawur frontier. Hounds away on this new trail with yelp of ecstatic delight. Not many Members ef pout House have per- sonal recollection of Granp Cross whilst he was yet with us. From time to time, decessor responsible for a feckless policy, a futile war. It was all Granp Cross. Business done.—Vote of Censure on the Government in respect of Chitral business shows considerable falling off in normal majority. For the amendment 208, against 311. Majority dropped nearly forty. ‘*What do you think of that, Toxy,” Prince ARTHUR said, a little nervously, as we walked home together. CHATTING wiTH THE DeceaseD! (Scene srom the Westminster Version of “ The Cat and the Cherub.”’) The learned Doctor Wee-To contrives to give it an appearance of life while the “ street-god "’ (J-hn R-dm-nd) is about ! even now, his presence in the Peers’, Gallery elevates and inspires the Commons. Members who do not recognise him by name look up and feel comforted and strengthened by contemplation of his su- premely well-informed countenance. wise as GRAND Cross looks.” rank of fighting politicians ; he is something in Bet you a Dod not one out of ten men moderately well up i | affairs could name his office. denly, out of this dull chaos of talk his | name is heard again. He is the culprit. | The loss of treasure, the check to British > met fe convey i © comunentasy prestige, the mourning in a multitude of | 8, all traceable t0 | some deprecatory remarks about people once happy househol Im. lighted at this unexpected turn, Henry Fow.er or Grorce Hamitton. With difficulty they restrain impulse to fling themselves across table to meet in friendly embrace. Not this Government or its pre- e | night. As SARK says, ‘* No mortal could be so | ‘* Well, since you ask me, I should say it is a friendly verdict of ‘ Not guilty, but for goodness’ sake don’t do it any more. ,” House of Lords, Thursday.—Every one glad to see the Marxiss in his place io- Looks as if he had never brought down the entrance gate of his park as if it | were the doors of the gate of the city of Of late years has fallen out of front | believe | present Ministry. | Gaza, and so passed on, Not in entire forgetfulness, And not in utter nakedness ; But, trailing clouds of brickdust, do we come To Hatfield, which is our home. The Member for Sark imsists that there is more in the matter than meets the eye. What the curious story on present situation in the Cabinet. In debate on Address, the Markiss made Impossible to say which more de- | who want to fight everybody and take everything. This, kind friends insist, was a sly hit at his dearly-beloved colleague, the Cotontat Secretary. Don Jose not the man to lie low and say nuffin’ when any one assails him. Determined to read the Marxiss a lesson. Accordingly (so Sark has heard) he on Tuesday night man- aged to disguise himself in coachman’s uni- form, took the reins and coachman’s seat, and drove the unsuspecting Marxiss home- ward. Arrived at the gateway, he, by deft touch of whip and rein, succeeded in leav- ing the Marxiss and the hinder portion of the carriage stuck in the gateway, whilst he drove on unhurt and triumphant. “A very remarkable story,” I said, du- biously. “What does it perpend?” “ Which thing is an allegory,” said Sark, impatiently. “Don’t you see it was in- tended to convey to Marxiss a gentle intimation that if, in driving the Unionist | coach, he flattered himself »e could gain the whip-hand of Don Josgr, he would soon find the coach broken up, himself left be- hind with the wreck, whilst Don Joss gaily drove off, unhampered and unhurt.” “ Ah! I see,” I said. Not sure that I do, but it’s no use arguing with Sarx. Business done.—In Commons, Jonn Dtr- Lon’s amendment to Address demanding endowment of Roman Catholic University in Ireland, negatived. Almost brought tears to the eyes to observe the anxiety in various quarters on both sides of House to see the proposal carried into effect. Prince Artuvur, Jonn Moriey, Carson, Q.C., and Courtney (in excellent speech) from various points of view supported the amend- ment. Only they united m _ beseeching Ditton to withdraw it. “Some other time,” they said, mopping damp eyes. “Some other time.” Friday night.—Irish Members renewed their attack on War Office in matter of frozen meat. Since Session opened their nightly habit has been to come down se- creting about their persons joints of frozen meat, which they shy at Powerit WriiiiaMs on Treasury Bench. (This of course in Par- liamentary sense.) Has borne the ordeal with exemplary patience. But the Finan- cial Secretary will turn at last. To-night being struck in the abdomen with a chunk of Australian mutton flung by Captain Donetan, he lifted up his voice in loud lamentation. “T begin to think,” he said, ducking his head as half a sirloin of American beef came his way, ‘“‘that the Financial Secretary to the War Office ought to be a butcher.” Something in the idea. A monotony about the Treasury Bench with its row of gentlemen in morning dress. Powet. WituiaMs with his coat off, his sleeves turned up displaying his manly forearm, a blue apron turned back over his sturdy knees, a steel at his belted waist, and a knife in his greasy hand, would make a picturesque adjunct to the comeliness of Her Masesty’s Ministry. Business done.—Address agreed to. A RECORD RAIN OF GOLD. Mr. Punch sincerely congratulates Al- derman Sir Georce Favupet-Pxiiips on the fact that the great sum of £667,000 was collected at the Mansion House during his Mayoralty, for distribution to the poor, needy and suffering in all parts of the Empire. Evidently Sir Grorcs Favupet was the right man in the right place to give fillips to the charitable disposition ot his fellow-citizens. And there are those who would abolish the Corporation! A Lrrerary Pursvurr.—Chasing a news- paper in a high wind. a" [Fesrvary 26, 1898

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—_—- Martéil’s “APENTA” THE BEST WATWRAL APERIENT WATER, Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prides : ba, 18., arid 18. 38. pet bottle. DE LOSSY - HOLDEN CHAMPAGNE. rand is The 1892 Vintage of this renown.d b now in oe patition ant thust be justly considered the finest vintage of the century. TO de HAG OF au, Wide MekoHANTS: Consignee— W. DOYLE, 85; Crutched Friars, London, E.C. me ee © DE LOSSY - HOLDEN _ CHAMPAGNE. “SOOTSMAR BLEND.” A combination of th: is PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Feaaviky 26, 1898. TAMAR consripansc INDIEN 8 etinal Troubles, GRILLON. London: 47, SouthWark Street, S.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, Bs. Gd. A BOX. UNIQUE OFFER OF BR AN DY. OLD VINTAGE We have decided to offer & direct, » comorens ws bare 9a oF Sos hegedl Atte lowe" } Trad target Shipper rs = Saely outaid nd {arte us & cai 4 randies were ship vio + in Bond. var beng andy sayin thes Sloe ned by oa is nt tage at the v (on py E SONS (Eetabiished 1776), moderate price of 4 ‘158s, pe +e er the rel Se. per dozen ma by purchasers of Bankers’ or e be aedueled by ‘arriage Paid— wt UPTON-ON-SEVERN, and HOPE STREET, GLA _N. B.—Intending purchasers are the demand will greatly exceed the supply. All orders will be dealt with .in strict m, and no notice taken of those not in accordance with the terms stated above. 100d aye 7 mors BUCHANAN L ee iS the BLEND a brace aoe a bape axa cow! SCOTCH WHISKY blood urifiets and humour = ented to write shhedy as possible, as we anticipate AS SUPPLIED TO THE q Gticura yOU9ES or ARUP MENT. 3 | Semenne prout _ eh dopets e. EWwpERT = = eat o : Cour s Sole Prope, Vs post free ‘THE FANious oe FACE HUMOURS Met! a Sei sands of delighted ha vers. PRICE :— = °- “ COOPER ” CYCLES. ompe ition a Latest fake we | V"Poben. i i x : “MAB” 'RAZO Pate Newhall &t,, pay aon nt: C. Cirwenre, 2, Old Broad St., B.C. by inks a rf te race 4 Pew: wien) a3 Le Geat mn m Ca ‘i i teagee yarrant : Wa. COOPER, COOPER, 733, ota Ke at Res ad, Limon, 8.F. HIERATICA © Noe Paget 5 Gales i. Js. Curt Envelopes, 1s. per 100. 5 Quires, if Sea Note, 5 Quires, 1s. 6d. jp med pao __ Of all Stationers, or send stamps to Hieratica Works, 68, Upper vse ry vy If you want for youg, Whi by itp, RAT get BURRO It is by far ry Bottled at THE SPRINGS; Political chahiges thke sien but the Minigter th thé titetioe Riedl | always id Hovis Bread. na hf 8. VITTON «& Tie FEVER sire F a ‘‘ Wherever the PASTEUR (Chamberland) FILTER has been introduced T)PHOID FEVER HAS OISAPPEARED.” Rit Eedty tnahe, Sdt® Makers 3. Dettidd & Bohd, aa 147, Houmdeditch, & “PUNGH” ip being set up every week by LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. E'E 10ST NUTRITIOUS. PPS'S L—COMFORTING OCOA AST- SUPPER. FBR i Hp vnc ero _|Mteos >: TE COIS]

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PREMIER VINOLIA SOAP. Keeps the Complexion Beautiful and Clear. aa 1s. per Box of 3 Tabtete, - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesavary 26, 1898, PREMIER VINOLIA Causes no Blotches. tonoou cert. | Yields a Splendid Lather. VINOLIA CREAM. For Itching, Face Spots, Chaps, Chilblains. SHAVING STICK. 1s. 1d. and 1s. 9d. 6d. per Stick. VINOLIA POWDER. For Redness, Roughness, oilet, &c. In White, Pink, and Cream Tints. Od. 1s. and 1s. —|6d. BLONDEAU LYPSYL CARBOLIC TOOTH POWDER. | | Soothing to Tender Gums and Sensitive Teeth. A Coralline Emollient for Dry, Rough, Cracked, or Pallid Lips. In Rose-Red and White Tints, 6d. and Is, ser VINOLIA VIOLET POWDER. Specially prepared for Toilet and Nursery Use. In 2 oz. Packet, 3d. In Quarter-Pound Tin or Packet, 6d. BLONDEAU PERFUMES. Concentrated—Delicate—Pure. | White Rose White Heliotrope ENTIFRICE Wallflower Musk bd | Millefieur Rondeletia the Teeth I Hencyenct Narcan. oneysuckie arc! Keeps bs wery Jasmin Stephanotis White, Healthy, ana | Wood Violet panni | Eas. Bougue Patchouli Beautiful. Maréchal Niel Opoponax Jockey Club ne Lyoy § New Mown Ha Violette de Parme In Glass Bottle, 6d. Lily of the Valley ypre Amaryil ignonette In Metal Boxes, Hyacinth Violet White Lilae Clematis Peaud 6d. and 1s. | Dentifrice, 6d. 6d. per Bottle and upwards. ssoseesceuscuncauscuecenscunseuecunsnneenecaneenecneseneewee fy ‘“ Beautifully Cool | and Tene a | die Vif «** i, FLUMANS@* FiBrocarion &LOUGH coop | EXCELLENT THING” —e. SOS SSS SSS SSS ESSE SSEES SES SSSE SSS SESE SSES SSE ESSSSESESES ESE SESEESEOOSECOEOED In THE STABLE | SPRAINS, CUTS, BRUISES, Ey = -———_o= a nan eenames cuca neanmenemenanneemnenneimeaeeaa: WEY | | FT oe . | - sf ‘ Vy ‘ ie >> ®@ al “tascsamnnnn” Sold only in l-ounce Packets and 2, 4, and 8-ounce, and 1-Ib, Tins, which keep the Tobacco in Fine Smoking Condition, Ask at all Tobacco Sellers, Stores, &c., and take no other. The genuine bears the Trade Mark, “NOTTINGHAM CASTLE,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER'S NAVY GUT CIGARETTES, now obtainable in ¢ and 12, and in Tine of 94, 60, and 100. OPIS iiiiii i itt ttt te tt ttt titi tt tt ttt) ‘The “ MAGNUMS” Garge oi sae) are of 16, 50 7 containing 3, ee oa 1%) Watitetrare: tn the City of Londen, ona pobshed ¥7 him af Ne’ th Plost Wrest, inthe Parth of SE Brides ity of Lenten 'ssrensit, Pabruay ote eS ATUL nDAY. eEevERY PL oe LISWEeE ry