Punch 1898-02-12: Vol 114 Iss 2953

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GRAND HOTEL, LONDON. THE HOTEL METROPOLE, LONDON. BURLINCTON HOTEL, EASTBOURNE. i 7 ™ - —s~ © os ~~ 5 A NP f cw GI AW “ans wy 7) SATURDAY. tae ® PUBLISHED EVERY CXIV. —_—-— FEBRUARY 12, saaeem GORDON HOTELS ROYAL PIER HOTEL, RYDE, |. W. i a = oF = a ane ae SE SST As Mes PULL HV OLS Sie SR 2 SEQ Ny )) ‘ LONDON. s MSN ty «PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, CHOCOLAT MENIER “is CLIFTONVILLE HOTEL, MARCATE. LORD WARDEN HOTEL, DOVER. WOTEL METROPOLE, FOLKESTONE, HOTEL METROPOLE, MONTE CARLO. ARE HOTEL METROPOLE, CANNES, — Registered at (h® General Post Office as a Newspaper. PRICE THREE PENCE. ~$—g— ea” NOTICE.—Communications or Contributions. whether MS.. Printed Matter. Drawings. or Pictures of any description, will not-be returned unless accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope. Cover, or Wrapper.

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i Manufectory: THE ROYAL WORKS, NORFOLK STREET, SHEFFIELD. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Fesavany 12, 1898, TRY IT IN YOUR BATH SCRUBB’S ‘rc AMMONIA MAVEAOUS PREPARATION. as a Turkish Bath. Invaluable’ for Toilet Pu Splendid Cleansing de my CHATTO & WINDUS’S | | NEW BOOKS. THE ROAD TO KLONDIKE. Yi att THEGOLD ) FIELDS ad ALAsEA TO BERING snot. Wite Mop endo Pul-pese me Demy "vo, Res oth, gilt top, ite | THE ay OF NAPOLEON III. | enve§ With Photegravure | page lliustrations. Demy [iwetracs Frontispiees and & re Gyo, cloth, gilt top, ts a * aware vet the OSrilliant war nities o correspondent had many opporte f studying We Emperor at close quarters, and these pages _ tat he L. raed them to good secount.”— seoe Mr A» WOMAN ‘TEMPTED | HIM. Litas ‘ ~~ ow of “ With the Bed Kagie, “Zc. Crown eve, cloth, 6 , Miss BALMAINE 8 PAST. hy BM. Cnoue Author > agen the Pale,” ac. Crown tre cloth gilt tor ‘Mine Haimaine’ is as Well drawn r™ life | ike * Diana Barrington’ or any of her succesmors.” Woac THE DISASTER By Paci and cron Manounns) tr, Translated by Parvanie bess, Crows fo cloth, 3 fed February 4 MORE “‘TRAMPS _ ABROAD. By Mase Trae Crown Svo, clotu, gilt top. At hie best, Mark Twain is « delightful as well @ droll compacion—« comedian as resistiess as aries Mathews used to be in ‘As Cool a6 & umber We will end by bidding those ho are in search of laughter to make haste to = by proxy at least, ‘ More Tramps Abroad.’ "— a" Dato 18 LITTLE 1 “WORLD. By Author of “ Joseph's oe ‘Gre ah OF », Cloth gilt tap. #e * Mr. Murray has never done any thins better than One story. The incidents are prevented with ionderful force and freshaes.. the action never , and in vividness and power of charseteri-a the story ls masterly It is a book that a pee to Mr. Murray's reputation.”—Biauine- eee F ost TALES IN PROSE AND VERGE. Ky Davee Cums +. With 7 prongs by Arthar Ho ey ‘Grown Svo, hut PY THE RISE OF THE RIVER. TALES AND RR STUN Be ™ NEDALE. Wy Aterm Cosme yore ofs las.” crews Bro, buck: am, es )- The best test of the value and beauty of these | stories, which go deep into the pain and pathos, the rife and stress of human life, in quict scenes and er fair appenranees, and also in stirring scenes Ses emia the piay of strong human emotions, is to te found in the Get that the dialect does not materially interfere with the pleasure which the | book affords.“— W oaco CHATTO & WINDUS, 11!, ®t. Martin's Lane, W.C Conan Doyle’s New Novel. With 40 Full-page Illustrations. Crown 8vo, 60, THE TRAGEDY OF THE KOROSKO. By A. CONAN DOYLE. Author of “The White Company ee Stone,” ** Uncle Bernac,” Lenden: 6MITH, Yow ready. BLDERG Co., 15, Waterloo Place. “PUNCH” isn being set up every week by LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. {hy OUNBAR’s LKARAM CoLps% {©ATARRH Or att Onnmers, on Poor Fare, 25.. rnon | —_ NEWBERY'S, KING EDWARD STREET. E.C. Mappin s\yebb 158 to 162, OXFORD ST., W.,) ' 2,QUEEN VICTORIAST.,E.C.) a Refreshing Removes Stains and Grease Allays tbe Irritation ca‘ Cleans Invigorating in Hot Restores the Colour to Plate and Jewellery. Price 1s. per Bottle. Of all Grocers, SCRUBB & CO., 32h SOUTHWARK STREET, S.E. ised PBs tor the Hair. from Clothing. Mosquito Bites. limates. Carpets. Chemists, Etc. For CYCLES and CARR TA GES | DUNLOP TYRES First in 1888, Foremost ever since. A Handsome Illustrated Booklet, “ALL ABOUT DUNLOP TYRES,” post free. THE DUNLOP PNEUMATIC TYRE CO., LTD., 160 to 166, CLERKENWELL ROAD, LONDwoN, E.C. EVERY HOME is beautified by PHOTOCRAPHS ano PHOTOCRAVURES PICTURES. «a l/- BERLIN THE FAMOUS,” Pas om a RAZOR="° “ MAB” Co., 73, Newhall wre. City Agent: C. Cummewrts, 42e, Old road St., B.C. SHALL bes SEND YOUA CAT sicews ofG reenhouses from Houses, Poul and Rustic iron Bui ON at extra ordinerylow prices to clear. Send to-day, as when once ” cleared cannot be replaced at an hing Whe the W. COOPER, Horticul- | tucal Provider, 744, Kent Road, London, §.F WHAT CAN CUTICU DO FOR BABY beautifyi ay and children, Sold ev Sons, Lon Everything that is cleansing, pu here. British Bole Sole Props., weston, U.B.4 RA for the in, ecalby depot: F. Newser, & . Coar Porres aoe ano Cusm. ° A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. TAMA FOR CONSTIPATION, INDIEN GRILLON. London: 47, ALL SOLD BY ,s LONDON. (Facing the Mansion House.) Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and Intestinal ew | Headache. Southwark Street, S.E. CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. 6a. A BOX, lilastrated Price Lists Post Free. PALESTINE & EG! & ECYPT CRUISE, including Constantinople, Sm By wy &e., February s¥ “Midnight Sun,” 3,188 tons, cane hight, excellent cuisine, compraies by Perowne. Lecturers, Bisho: e, _ fessor Sayce, and Prolene Mamas t Details, Becretary, 5, Endsleigh Gardens, Euston, N.W. “JAP” CARPETS 42/- Size 12 ft. by 9 ft. Other Sizes. All Colourings. TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Catalogue. HOWARD'S PARQUET FLOORS d. From 3 per foot. Finest nity produced. Solid Oak Wall anelling from 2s. 24. per foot. 25, 26, & 27, BERNERS STREET, W. *| HOOPING COUGH, Chemists. Rossare & Cis., New York—Foverss & Co., az “FOR THE BLOOD 18 THE LIFE.” CLARKE’ S WORBLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE USED IN THE gor NURSERIES. — a In Tins. 1/-. a 5/-, 10/-.

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oe 2 oad i, Fesruary 12, 1898.] "INTS ON ‘’UNTING, BY ’ARRY. IF, BY MISTAKE, YOU HAVE HALLOED A HARE AWAY, WHEN OUT WITH FoxHOUNDs, TELL THE HUNTSMAN YOU THOUGHT THEY WERKE Hakniens! = —— OVER THE DITCHES. DereRMINE to have day’s hunting in Essex. Grand sporting country, big ditches, and plenty of room across the open Roothings. Find I must start by 8.50 train from Liverpool Street. Can’t be helped. Tell groom to have horse there in good time. Looks sulky. Always does when it’s a matter of getting up early, lazy beggar! Dine overnight with the CHRUNKINSES, who regard me as a hero. Rather like this. Put on hardy look when they pity me for having to rise so early. lo bed at midnight. No sooner asleep than knock at door; “’arf past six, Sir, and a foggy mornin’.” D bother it I mean. Put nose out of bed-clothes an execrate hunting. Catch sight of tub, shiver and duck under again. Five minutes more, and then rush for tub, emitting dismal howl as first cold sponge- ful does its deadly work. Shave by candle- light with cold fingers, tepid water, and blunt razor. Cut chin. Again exclaim d—— bother it. Cab at door as I pull on left boot. Scald mouth with cup of tea, and snatch up piece of toast to gnaw going along. No time for more, and, strange to "*, no appetite. Cab damp, also stuffy. Arrive Liverpool Street. Groom meets me, saying my brute declines to enter horse-box, and is engaged in deadly com- bat with whole of G. E. R. staff, from stationmaster downwards, Train leaves in three minutes. Rush frenziedly to strug: gling group round horse-box, and aim violent “whack” at the beast’s quarters Miss him and hit porter in the eye. Porter hurls whole of the English language at me So rude. “W’y don’t yer back ’im in?’ shouts friendly cabman. Of course; why didn’t we think of it before? So silly Horse goes in like ship sailing “ starn fore- | I rush to shut up side of horse box, as train is just off. Jam fingers in hinge. D—— jam it, I mean. “Now then, Sir, jump in if you’re a-goin’ on!” shouts guard. Scramble into last carringe, and we are off. Quite warm now, after my exertions. Fog on line, and we stop every ten yards. Dismal journey, and arrive half an hour late. Get horse out, and start on my ten-mile hack to meet. Lose my way, and ask intelligent country- man to direct me. I. C. raises hat ana scratches head. most.” “Whoy, now, if you was to foller this ’ere road straight as you can go for about wE cxrv a vour mile, an’ then tarn to yer right an’ 61 go acrost a stone bridge an’ leave the ‘ Fox and Geuse’ on yer left ’an’ then tarn to yer right agen, yew’d be somers on the road to where t’ hounds did meet last Toosday was a fortnit ago- » | that I will call in for the rest of the ex- | planation when I have a week to spare. Trot on, and presently see man in pink | ahead of me. Follow him, and duly arrive |at meet. Large field. Don’t know a soul | Every one stares at me and chats to his neighbour. Feel uncomfortable. Wish |they wouldn’t. Draw first cover blank. |My horse gets fidgetty and unpleasant. Sidles up against big man, who scowls savagely and mutters something about Cockney sportsmen. Pretend not to hear, legs. him yards. Fearful chorus of indignant shouts to “take that brute home.” and | inquiries as to whether I want to kill all the pack ? | Ignore them, smile in pitying manner, ind light cigar. Have only had six whiffs when hounds find, and have to throw Cabana away. Pull up my girths, which makes horse lash out again, and very nearly bag another hound. Away we all gallop for small one tries to go through st once. My brute arches his back, squeals and kicks at every stride. Feel that there is much day- light between self and proud animal at intervals ; frequent ones, too. Saddle hard, cold, and slippery. Get through gate at ‘ast, gate-post catching my knee, and caus- ine me to lose stirrup-iron, and exclaim “P)—— botheration!” Gallop over beau- ditches. Very nice country to ride over, ind all this talk sbont gicantic Reothing ditches simnlv rubbish. Nothing like as big as———Hullo! what’s this? -Navigable river? Part of the Ship Canal? Forty- foot saw-pit? No; only a real Roothing ditch. Instantly try to pull up. Think T’ll go round. Too late in front, goes in head first and disappears hodily. My horse makes frantic effort, but iumps short, and we come down richt on ‘on of unfortunate sportsman at bottom of nose of the man I think I heve slain. sit up and face each other. He is not dead. He smiles. He breast-pocket. He speaks, what he savs: “T am the Hunt Secretary, Sir, and I trust I may have the pleasure of putting you down on my list as a ten-cuinea sub- scriber. Always as well to do business when opportunity offers. Allow me to hand vou my ecard. Cheques should be | crossed London and County Bank.” And they call this “sleepy Essex”! And this is Mr. B. W. Leaver, the recently elected “R. A..” is very generally acknowledged to be “one of the most popular of modern landscape painters.” Young ar‘ists in his line will do well to adopt the evident motto of “ Follow my Leader.” IDENTIFICATION oF THE Maw WHO LET ory A Pistow rs THe Garety THeatre At the police-station he svid he “bad been working as odd man at Anderson’s, Pop- hand-gate which every | Thank him hastily, and pass on, saying | Hound rushes wildly between my horse’s | Sagacious animal lets fly, and kicks | tiful bit of grass and jump several easy | Man in nink, just | ditch. Vision of coroner’s inquests, ver- dict of mans'auchter, Old Bailey, and penal servitude float mistily before my eves. Wave arms about wildly, and seize | We | draws note-book from | lar.” Here, then, was “ The odd man out ”!

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/S! OHM LAC ANIA OL LOD TA, AM LAG “AWVIG OL LON 34,204 ‘SAV] AW ‘LHDIU TTY,, “(492Y0-Ut-4o=pummUog) YUNT poYssORy-pIT Ug ‘MOf AHL GAHSINIA LNXAVH IM AMUOG,, “(4er7W04T uMipuy woLs) eNO wrouba ysineg «Q3Y¥30NN18 SVH JNO JWOS,, [Fesruary 12, 1898. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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a) Fesruary 12, 1898.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 63 ave we YE GOT TO FIND \*UT Wao ss/ BP hee’ OE Eee ] ) | A NEW ODE TO “DUTY.” | STERN daughter—of no matter who ! O Duty !—-comprehensive name— You are not “‘ light to guide,” with you Dancing is but a weary game. Your step is in itself a law | Which no collisions overawe ; | Like some fell motor-car set free | You jostle round, unblessed of frail umanity ! There are who care not if your eye Be on them ; others ask, in truth, A dance, but cut it by-and-bye With all the genial cheek of youth Glad hearts! They save themselves a lu’ Of bumps, and know it—do they not ?— They once their confidence aa te In you, and now no more their arms shal! epan your waist. For this, methinks, were pure delight, The baven where a man would To dance with whom one likes all night, And, so to speak, be Duty-free ! Yet they a dangerous course shall hold Who dare to live, unwisely bold, Up to the spirit of this creed ; Nor even give a set of Lancers as your meed. | I. loving freedom well, have tried To bear the il-concealed disgust Of fond mammas all stony-eyed, Whe in me have reposed their trust. For oft when in my heat I’ve Leaid The call of Duty, I’ve deferred The task, in smoother waltz to stray ; But now—I’ll have this extra polka, if 1] may |! Stern Duty! Now I see you wear A sort of smile upon your face, Though my request you grant, I fear, With not the very best of grace. Confusion in your footing treads, I pray we fall not on our heads, The while we make the giddy throng Sit up in this wild polka, going fresh and strong. To Providence’s saving power Our mad career I now commend, This baddish quarter of an hour Which I’m about with you to spend ! * * * . * i. eo (Rs PRR IN St ey - = And cultivate self-sacrifice, Miss Smith. ““We'’ve sust come From TANNHAUSER, DocTor.” | Meanwhile let men take my advice } So shall they fail offence to give, , And in the approving smiles of watchful; he Doctor (very deaf). “‘Inpeev? I wore you HAD Berren_ WEATHER 1HAN WE'VE chaperones live ! | BEEN HAVING !” steeaheeneieeriemniiietialia ———-——— ——_————— ——_ = hats will descend to the desired level, and, if necessary, disappear THE TOQUE’S PROGRESS. below altogether. A much-needed reform will thus be brought | | ( Owing to the enormously high trimmings now put upon smart hats and | to pass. , ‘ | toques, the ordinary brougham does not permit its fair occupant in full after-| Omnibuses will be converted into penny drays, but straw will | noon toilet to sit in comfort. Some of the leading carriage-makers therefore | doubtless be provided for the convenience of female occupants, have had to lower the seats of many closed vehicles.” — Daily Telegraph, Feb.4.)| where the pavement is at all rocky. No gentleman, it is ex- ed, will hereafter hesitate to ride outside to oblige a lady. Tuere is no such thing as finality in Fashion, and we may rest pect r ‘ : | assured that further developments are impending. | Hansom cabs and growlers will be built without any floor. | _ The seats of railway-carriages will be arranged on a sliding-scale. | Ladies of any standing at all will recline on the step, or walk Those of the third-class will perhaps remain as they are at pre- inside, like the historic Irishman, “ for the look of the thing.” sent, but the second-class, containing, presumably, better-dressed | In the case of covered motor-cars, ladies will push them behind lady-passengers, will be lowered a foot, while first-class compart- | like perambulators. é i; ments will have no seats at all. The wearers of the omnipotent| And then, and not till then, will the fiat go forth that feminine ] | aigrette will cheerfully sit on the floor of the carriage, or possibly | hats are to be worn reasonably flat and low. ‘ on a foot-warmer. Gentlemen, of course, will have to - ‘ or t al i - i ilway oxtthene cat SS docnahen the Seale to cond the | _AccorpIno to the Westminster Gazette, there are ten teetotal increased depth required. | Somer. The watering-places abroad are generally in want of In theatres, the stalls will in future be constructed on the| chaplains. Here, then, is an opportunity for the teetotal bishops principle of a stage-trap, through which the owners of matinée-| to appoint to water-cures. | | |

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PUNCH, MR. PUNCH’S The Zolafite This Anumal us very bolf and ev ous ¢ % 1s ok io et He us very clever at very dr n ploces e lower down ae the gad er Pre yee to get them Ay At is at he us S« Drey ave all is buried ust now ane ncing wit Yage “taba fa Teallca et OR THE _LONDON C HARLY ARL With acknowledgments as before. ) “ 4 — ‘ dhe drimmadome Wilirich Pa peetures Lg patte ier thy Sh “ANIMAL LAND.” or This litle Ammal ts very Sons, band. oe and beak ts pei t sot then Betas ether. age y Fe? Rt styvs erie, So Ns country chery! Lerr cb Dreos his nose i just Squash hi DARBY JONES ON SPRING TOPICS. | Honovurep Sir,—There are many things associated with , the mellifluous term Spring, “to wit” (as they have it in| the mandatory fal disagreeable orders | of Her Maysesty’s Courts of Law), | Spring cabbages, Spring onions, Spring | guns, Spring tlowers, and Spring bandi- caps. it is with the latter article that I have to deal, in the International Game of Equine Whist, wherein a bottled-up Knave often scores more readily than a tip-top Queen, an irreproachable King, or an Ace desirous of Cromwellian su- premacy. Let us now, however, to the tiandicaps. By the way, why handy?’ Why caps? I reply, handy, because our jockeys, like prizefighters, know how to use their fists at a finish; caps because, until horses are painted with the owners colours, they and the jackets must go together, and on a dull day in winter, they might just as well be displayed in Uno- chrome. I turn in pursuance of that task, which sets the compilation of a new Slang Dictionary at defiance, to the unravelling of the mesh which surrounds the Lincoln- shire Handicap, run on Thursday, March 22, beneath the shade of one of the most deftly renovated Cathedrals in England. And in connection with this event the Bard breaks forth in poesy :— The Medl y seems bright When it's rid of the Anight, And Lord Rosebery’s may have a ke There ’s a Aing with a chance, And a Stow in the dance, But | look to a Saint for a boc So says the yok in. ok win! Augur, and with that know- ledge only derived from the Study of a Lifetime, he gallops over Aintree in his anticipation of the Grand National : I don’t think a Declaration Will be source of jubilation, I'd rather have a little bit on Two from Erin’s Isle ; And there ’s a certain Ward Whom to beat it will be hard, = matters I'll not mince, 4 “— and good the, Prince, a1 Prod all the lot in proper style. This, honoured Sir, i A of my Alphabet. to Z, nay, long before that, you and my clients should be travelling about the country in personally-owned motor-cars. But alas' for the Ingratitude of Mankind. Many of those who are now pigeon- pies at Monte Carlo owe not a little of their well-being to the acute foresight of Your humble henchman and heeler, Darsy Jonze. is my beginning, the A FROSTLESS JANUARY. Tae plumber wrung his hands and wept. | No frost! How hard for those adept At mending “pipes that’s busted!” The butcher groaned to think of meat The mildness made unfit to eat, Such winter he distrusted. The merchant of neglected coal Consumed in grief his stricken soul, Too utterly The ice-rink man alone was glad ; No frost, except indoors; it had __ Been in perfectly otjuntes. Coming to the Thrown. By the time we come | A “PARSONA GRATA.” A sussect for a sermon by the Rev. Stew- ART HeaDLAM, who once, as a Church Note in the St. James’s Gazette records, recom- mended the Bishop ‘ot Lonpon to viut the hm and see a ballet, might be “The | Dance of the Daughter of "Heropias.” His Reverence could iearn some ching mstruc- tive from Dean Farrar as to * posturing Pharisees.” What a charming transtor- mation scene, semi-ecclesiastic-semi-fairy- landish, might be devised, with Madame | Geigotat: of Drury Lane as “The Pov turing Queen of the Fairy Seas”! The Fratres Druriolani should take a hint from | unis for their next pantomime. A Drop too much. (By a Lice nsed Victualler.) [At the Local Veto Conference at Manchester, Mr. ScHwANn expressed himself as tired of voting for a large measure which cannot,be carried, and | desirous of securing some more solid instalment of | reform. } | Tsoven rabid teetotalers storm, "Tis better—shrewd Radicals own— To go in for Solid Reform— And leave people’s liquors alone. Tue Kine oF THE Renee. —Recently has ‘| been published a list of various Notables | who are to confer as to the best way of | celebrating the thousandth anniversary of | King Atrrep tHe Great. Shall ALFRED have a statue? Why, certainly. Should it not record the celebrated incident of King A.rrep “taking the cake ” ? One Way TO INCREASE THE ARMY.— Why not give military commissions to Messrs. WuiteLey and Harrop, the Uni- versal Providers, and order a ready-made, ready-drilled, perfectly-equipped Force, to be under the command of “General Stores” ?

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| Darkuw; 1 Kan not werem yo. | again blow, take 10u something soney.” | aud violent. | is, that All blutig is, witch not true is, because we only bruised, | his Whip, and endly say he, “One | Since seven or eigt Hours have i Nothings eated. From Time | to Time see i one grate — | wait we in order one Glas Bier Fepavary 12, 1898.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a0? 65 LUDWIG IN LONDON, WALKGO TOWARDS TSCHERRINGROSS, Honovurep Mister Over-Newsparers-Direktor,—I have to You now vue ever “ Luggitsch” asking fackayecurryer to me, alter mein unspiekly aw. uuvelievery dieriu: uu uever velure enaureu iouruourisn Fast, trom ube at Londouvritsen stauway- slauuourelresameniroom outkoming, one in London * feikekev’ uameu Couveywork, £uhrwerk, Cuwmeuded sayeu. 4 tollow bua, oue ‘Luanel, where wi Gark w, wong, after, and then see i one Ligat. 10 wa waggonlamp. buy waac tor one vroscnme! =i.ne Cuacher 1s behinu, we +, agguu is very titue, and uaugs ou the forse. Wo wt der Mines itt, Whew w the mnutryr senind, pernaps. 1 see him NOL. wiual, Derween tie wagyonwee: and tne atorsef Unpussiniy! ine butry 18 80 What lor one wand, wuere the CLonveyworks oniy for the luis maked are! ibe rackagecarryer put mein Sack wivhin, and call “ Tscher- ringross.” 4 puli we Up, he push, and endiy am 1 on vue boo on toe uwue Waggonstep. but i must were remain svanu, because 1 not within gv Kan. “‘Lne Voors aine open, Maunsimn,”’ say ue. ine Horse Degim ontogo, 1 scana On One rvuvt, 16 give Novungs to boa, “ Luu Must Kom OUL,” Bay ue. LAuat Gu 1, and Very plotziuh, because 1 ou the s’ackagecaucyer fali, aud we vogevner vu une Marth rou. 1 elevate Me, aud il say, Guile augry, ~ 1nunder- wealuer! 4 go nec m lLour engisca vroschke. She w wo dangeriy.” Tue uniuckly me meu rubbmg rackagecarryer say tua. be burted 18, and tuat 1 to Mim money give must. 1 Oltex to bum one friftypleunigoit, Me say, “iow me.” 1 say, ~ have vo Lou one mow gaived, it dO me very Uriel, i will noc You he splek mutsch - snadiy understand i that he no german Silver take will. I have no englusch. 1 bring one goiden i1enmarkoit out, and 1 say, “Kan You this changer“ “ * put Lou git in.” “Never!” anser i. say he. open the Doors, i pull, he push, i lft the foous up, i let the Hed down, i see woo acrosshanging leathern Straps, i grasp them, the Coacher cry out, the Horse jump, and sudden am 1 downtalled, the Hed within, the Body on the Landingplace, and the boots without. ‘ihe Horse nait not. 1 crawl witnin, and i sit on the Floor. Why hait the Coacher not? Potztausend! Mein Zehnmarkstiick! Wo ist der Gepidcktrdager ? I see Notnings. 1 must to the Coacher spiek. But how? He is behind. 1 kan not the Window open, so seek i round the Waggoncorner to see. Unpossibly! i dare not on the narrow Waggonstep to go, so endiy stand i up, and grasp after one ot the Jeathern Straps, which, as i nau see, the Mains are. 1 must the Horse stop. that do i. It go sudden towards the Side, i fall yet again, thistime tall the Horse likewise, the ‘leikekep go down, i roll out, the Coacher fall on me, and we ali are on the Earth to- gether. Mein Hat is braked, mein Uoat is tared, All is muddy, and i have Hedpain, Backpain, Legpain. 1 stand up, and i say, “Never again go i in Your accursed Droschke.” ‘Ihe Coacher stand up, he pull the Horse up, and then spiek he mutech and violent. We are alone in the nebulous Darkness. I am greater as he, but i am plump, andiam hurted. He hold his Whip, he say, “You biumin Ful offer Furriner”—was ist dasf—he say mutech more, he say often that i blutig am, that the Horse blutig not w are, and i no Blood see kan, he shout, he wave id.” “What ws that?” Himmel, zwanzig Mark! That shall i not to him give. But he lift his Whip up, and i bring mein Twentymarkbits from mein Purse out. He say he take no “ blumin german Money.” I say to him that i no other have, so endly take he too Twentymarkbits, and spiek frendlyer. He say the Fog so thick is, that he the Horse leed must, and as iin one Teikekeb nevermore up step shall, so go we to Foot quite slow. Ach Himmel! In Germany as Younger have i me mutsch with the Turnunion in the Turnhall exersised, but now am i no Walkgoer, because i too plump am. It is fierful long. Tscherringross is, without Daut, ten Kilo- meter from Leondonbritsch. The For is so fierful thick, and i am so fierful weary, that i Nothings observe kan. ask i. “Twenty Bob,” say he, “one Pound.” It is one Bierstube, and often to drink. But it give Nothings to eat. I am ever wearyer, i breath only Coalsmoke, i dy of Hunger. Uh, verfluchte Stadt! 1 think to the Berlinisch | Animalgarden in the Summer, when the Air fresh and warm, and | | ! | I | | il| **PAPA SENT YOU THAT SIXPENCE, AND HE WANTS TO KNOW WHY YOU NEVER PLAY MORE THAN OnE TuNE! **’Cos PEOPLE NEVER WANT NO MORE'N ONE, MIS8Iz neither kold nor smoky, is. Unser Tiergarten! Ach, wie angenehm! Therem go the Horsesway, Pferdebahn, so kan man without Wearyness atkom, and there, while man Sausages or Biefstakes or Calfsroast eat, Cigars smoke, and Bier drink, kan man quite bequem and happy sit remain. The Remembering is 80 tic, and iam so week and miserabel, that i almost weep. si in the Intention mein Pocketcloth, in order the Eys to wipe, outtobring am, kom we in one Court at. Dem Himmel sei Dank! It is Lg ge And it is one Hotel. The Coacher ask yet ten Mark. am so W kan, and i ay Then eat i three Biefstakes and drink seven Flasks Bier, and even so rasch as possibly go i to Bed. Highattentionsfull humblest Lupwie. “PETER, DIDST EVER SEE THE LIKE?” Taming of the Shrew, Act 1V., Se. 1 Ir seems a pity that Peter the Great should be dethroned. that i not dispute | Rarely has our Sir Henry been seen to greater advantage, in | every way, than as the eccentric Czar; and well is he seconded by our American cousin, Mr. Rossrt Tanz, while Mr. Macx1n- TOSH is once in the very best of spies. Had Mr. Invine, Junr. the author, + 7a able to render the female characters effective, and to have given (what Gorrae asked for) “more light ” to the sombre drama, it might have held the stage, and the audience, for a considerable period. Perhaps there yet may be seen a second and improved edition. However, the fiat has gone forth, and once more “‘T’he Bells will be ringing for Invine ” ; Shylock will make another desperate attempt to get a pound of Antonio’s flesh, and Exten Terry will delight us all as the light- | hearted blanchisseuse, Madame Sans-Géne. A Goop Purr.—The Bishop of Lonpoy, during a recent inter- view, is said to have smoked seventeen ci In answer to numerous inquiries as to whose cigarettes these were, whether made by Messrs. —— or Messrs. ——, we are able to state posi- tively that they were the Bishop's—unless they were the inter- viewer's. equally

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. oi} , ’ [Fesruary 12, 1898. 1D Wg = wits eae NOT THE PLEASANTEST WAY OF PUTTING IT. Invalid. ‘On, Docror, I’m arratp I’m PREerry weit at Deata'’s Door!” Doctor. ‘*Dox’T YOU WORRY, MY DEAR SIR—WE'LL PULL You TuROUVGH!” AIRS RESUMPTIVE. THE Tue FIGHTING GEFION - O1 VuYAGE ro KAISERLAND. After Mr. Newbolt-from-the-Dlwu It was nine bells ringing, As they swaggered out o’ Kiel, For the wat th was busy singing, And they ’d overdone the pee! ; It was nine bells ringing, For the watch was busy singing, And the pilot’s wife was clinging To the pilot at the wheel. Oh!’ to hear the pistens pounding, Kaiserlund ! Kaiserland ! And the oaculations sounding, Kaiserland ! Kaiserland / Oh! to hear the pistons pounding, And the osculutions sounding, And Our Only Brother bounding On the boom to Kaiserland ! It was trombones trumping In the military band, And the tide was slowly slumpiag As he waved his mailed hand ; It was trombones trumping, And the tide was slowly slumping. And the Kaiser's heart was bumping As they shoved Him off to land. Oh! they’re bound for blood and glory, Kuiserland ! Kaiserland ! But their heals will all be hoary, Kaiserland ! Kuiserlund ! Oh! they’ re bound for blood and glory, But their heads will all be hoary Ere they tell the ‘* gospel-story”’ On the shores of Kaiserland ! It was fog-horns blowing, Where the forts o’ Spithead frown, And the tide belike was flowing, And belike was running down ; It was fog-horns blowing, And the tide belike was flowing, When Hewnricus started rowing On the loose for London town. There'll be many another stopping, Kaiserlund ! Kaiserlund ! When the engine-fires are dropping Kaiserland ! Kaiserlund ! There'll be many another stopping, When the engine-fires are dropping, And the good tub goes a-flopping Pitch-an’-toss for Kaiserland ! It was cracked mugs cl.nking, As they sighted Singapore, And the Gary eyes were blinking At the hope o’ touching shore ; It was cracked mugs clinkiag, And the bleary eyes were blinking, But the cabin-boy was sinking With his eighty years or more ! Oh! the erumpled masts were creaking, Kaiserland ! Kaiserland ! Kaiser'and ! Kaiserland ! Most profane 0 Kaiserland ! It was dumb bells tolling As they reeled at half a knot For they ’d done a deal o° coaling, But the pace was never hot ; It was dumb bells tolling, And they ’d done a deal o’ coaling, When the wherry came a-rolliog On to WILLIAwm’s little plot. Nine-and-ninety years were cver ! Kaiserland ! Kaiserland ! ; And the bilge was frankly leaking, Oh! the crumpled masts were creaking, And the bilge wus frankly leaking And their throats were dry wi’ 8y easing Since they cleared the Straits o’ Dover! Kaiserland ! Kuiserland ! Nine-and-ninety years from Dover ! And the lengthy lease was over, And the heathen sat in clover * On the pews o’ Kaiserland ! A Revivat. |e Pall Mall fashion again. | general favourites. Gazette, 1s coming “Henny” cocks Cock-fighting, according to into are “Well,” says ’ArRy, |“ wot ’s the good o’ trainin’ up speshal 9” | cocks if henny sort ’ll do A Free Transiation.—“ Lucas, A., non lucendo,”—Lveas, Associate, is not such a shining light as Lucas, R.A. | | | | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Fesrvarr 12, 189°. eo ee ‘ » Vv «£ oe ? AY , v Ls . 4 . ‘ Yh * | 4 ‘ f / Ss AY : ¢ / AN ) ’ WY * y / | “6 y w\ N “ ) ‘ ‘ Y / . f ‘ e ‘ ; ~ se}? j k y/ ; = - see i ‘ / , ’ f 4 WO . ly rae ‘ ‘ \ : * ete a j, | | ‘i a‘ 42> )\ | | | mT A) Y | THE NEW LOT. Bicur Hon. Agru-k B-ir-r (Ring-Muster of te Royal Westminster Circus, aside). **‘ TOMMY ATKINS’ IS SAFE ENOUGH ; I HOPE ‘ PADDY’ WILL DO;— \ BUT I DON’T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF ‘ VEST RYMAN.’” | eee

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FEBRUARY 12, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69 A JAPANESE VALENTINE. BRITANNIA, MISTRESS OF THE BRINE, MAKE VALIAN1 JAP youR VALENTINE ! [* At the present moment there is nothing watched with more attention by the Japanese Press than the attitude of Great Britain at this juncture. Duci the past year, if I have heard a wish for an alliance with fingland exp! | once, I have heard it expressed at least a hundred times.”— Tokio Correspon- “ ‘ ij dent of “ Daily Maiil.””) DE BONO ANTIQUO JULIO CASARE. Carissiuz Magister Puncnrvs,—Ad Patrem meum dixi | “Nonne me duces videre spectaculum classicum J ulium Casarem SHAKSPEARII? ” “Certe,” respondit gubernator, addens, “si promittes scribere criticam, et eam mittere ad nostrum amium Magistrum | Punchium, sine obtinendo aliquid verbum de ullo dictionario.” “ Jurabo! per Jingonem!” ego respondi, “ si tu mihi dabis cenam post spectaculum ad clubbum tuum?” Ille promisit, et habuimus noctem capitalem. Sic hic it! Nunquam in vité mef vidi tam magnificum spectaculu quam ad hoc Theatrum Majestatis Suz ubi ludus SHAKSPEARIENSIS, cui nomen Julius Cesar est. Actorem qui lusit Juliwm, ego recog- novi per nasonem ejus, eadem naso quam videram quum ille apparuit in theatro y nS wend ut “Dux Wellingtonius” ; iste appellatur Magister Carotvus Futrton : sed ille non est satis altus, nec satis severus, nec satis grandiosus. Et cur non habuit ille | eine | BS (|! SEA hi i] sf K ; \ SAS i) Cesar et Calphurnia domi. in manibus ejus “commentaria,” et stylum post aurem ejus? Magister Beersonmivs Arpor est admirabilis ut Marcus An- tonius ; et oratio ejus ad turbam, et turba ipsa vivens et clamans “Eheu! Eheu!” fuit quidquid preclarum et perfectissimum! Hac est via sola discere et docere classicam historiam. Cur debemus a spectacula sic acta? Subito ego y u habere libros quando quoque Poeta bs * Die mihi quid scribam de te Bezrnonmivs Arbor?” Spero ut hoc sit omne rectum! Sed procedamus. Et tunc uam grandis et majestica fuit illa puella splendida Liwia ANBURIENSIS, uxor Casaris! etiam illa decora famina Evetyna Miutarpa, uxor Bruti! Sed conjux suavis Magistri Beersoumit ARBoRIS erat puer servans (species Buttonorum |}modernorum) et illa cantavit perfecté cantum dulcissimum qui induxit, omnes audientes, Brutv excepto, subito et graviter dormire. Pater meus rogavit si compositor musice hujus car- minis fuit “ Lullius”? (Hic est jocus us gubernatoris. ) | “ Brutus et Cassius,” nomina que me faciunt putare de Latinis | exercitationibus (“‘Hec olim meminisse juvabit!” vide gram- | marum) similia ad “ Balbum et Caium” qui illum murum semper | | edificabant, admirabiliter acti sunt a Magistro Lupovico | —“ ans Oratio Antonii ad turbam Romanam. Moriore* et Franktyno McCieano, duobos dexteris actoribus quorum principalis (que hujus pars est duarum difficilior) est Lupovicus Murior. Quid dicam de vestibus scenisque Romanis qu omnes dessinates sunt a Magistro Auma-Tapema Academiw# Regie? Poéta fuit in errore cum ille scripsit : — “O formose puer nimium ne crede colori!” Nam “color” Auma-TapsemM# est mirabilis, et tam bene cuncta facta sunt, ut ego possum dicere, cum alio poeté aut scriptore, uno verbo mutato :— “ Nullum ignotum pro magnifico! "+ Ave' Berersonmivs Arson! Ave! Ite caput! Ad umbram Cesaris “referens” non “ horresco,” nam “ vidi meliora et probavi” (quotationes classicas adaptatas lectores) in usu magice lanterns domestics. Et nunc redire domum quod habemus septem dies extra, sed quando tu, Magister Punchius, legis hec scripta, ero iterum ad i scholam cujus sum alumnus notabilis. Valete et laudite ! INKINS MINOR. * Lupovico Murionr. The pater told me Ludovicus is Lewis, and as “ murus”’ is “ a wall,” “murior” isa“ Waller”? Jocus! [Ad Hditorem.| + “* Nothing has been ignored for the sake of the magnificent effect ! ”’ TALIEN-WAN. How is this said? To rhyme with “ yarn,” Should we pronounce it Talien-Wan, Or should we say, to rhyme with “on,” A as in “ what,” just Talien-Wan, Or that some journalistic man Spun all this yarn on Talien-Wan? COMPENSATION. A German sailor having been killed near Kiao-Chau, the Ger- | man Government has demanded more concessions from China. | When at last the Deutschland has been towed, and tugged, and |dragged, and pulled, and pushed to her destination, it may be | possible to send in a little bill, thus :— To 1 Missionary, killed . 200,000 taels. Ditto ditto. . 1 Cathedral, complete. Ditto ditto . . 50 square miles of territory. To 1 Sailor, killed ,, 1 Colonel, insulted ,, 2 Colonels, wounded ,, 1 General, killed . 1 Railway concession. - 1,000 square miles of territory. . 1 Province. . . The Chinese Empire. Tus appeared in Manchester Guardian, February 4 :— “ Wanrep, an Oldham Widow: state condition and lowest price.” What on earth is the advertiser going to do with her?’ Drive | her in single harness ? |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 12, 1898. Ge : .) Ga —- Cc = = a oe a a ) E. } Lm SEAS —— we >» >PPLIAMENT- TRACTED Rom THE DIARY F TOBY. as House of Commons, Tuesday morning, | February 9.—Sark often compares House | of Commons to a public school. In the main he is right; points of resemblance crop up nearly every day through a See sion. Analogy breaks down at one epoch. Members differ from schoolboys, inasmuch as they are as delighted to get back for fresh term as they were boisterously hila- rious on breaking up for holidays. Since ten o’clock this morning, House lobbies, reading-room, and library thronged with Members pleased with themselves and each other. Some audibly chortled in their joy. Such shaking of hands! such slapping on the back! such hearty enquiry after everybody’s health! Might be the first re- union in a safe place of shipwrecked and temporarily parted passengers. “Yes, it’s all very well, Tony mein,” said Prince Artuur, standing by me and looking on the animated scene. “ What ’s sport to them is death to us. For just six Lords. managed throughout with unvaried, un- — success. ( have done exactly the same had Parlia- ment been sitting. We should have done it, too, in our own way at our own time. Yet tlink of all the rumpus that would ineffec.ually have accompanied our pa- triotic labours. There would have been | questions day by day, which, pleading the clined te answer, or at best should have | dribbled forth information. There would have been motions for the adjournment, probably Votes of Censure, useful to us as months we ’ve done without the House of | Commons, not to mention the House of | I’m not going to say that we have | interests of the State, we should have de-| | smothering anything like incipient revolt on our side. ‘There would have been talk, talk, talk, and the end would have been precisely as it is fashioned to-day. I begin you know, much averse from talking, was right in his contempt for our dear House of Commons. Now here they are again, bursting with wanting-to-know-you-know, and every other man in the*throng with an Amendment to the Address m his pocket. Much better for all of us if they would let me give them right off another six months’ holiday.” “Mr. Spraker!” It is the voice of the doorkeeper. I hear him complain. “ Hats off, strangers!” and through the throng of bared heads the Speaker, in wig and gown, his skirt upheld by his train-bearer, passes with dignified pace into the House, to begin all over again the old, old round of duties, delights, and other things. CHOKING CHICAGO. (The people of Chicago complain that their bread is adulterated in consequence of the corner in wheat. } Littte Jack Horner Sat in a “corner,” Eating Chicago bread, It stuck in his jaw Being mostly of straw ; We cannot repeat what he said, But whatever we’ve | one we should, in similar circumstances, | ARTIST’S VADE MECUM. | Question. Has the anxious parent been | to see his child’s portrait ? Answer. He has seen it. Q. Did he approve of it ? A. He will like it better when I have made some slight alterations. Q. What are they? A. He would like the attitude of the figure altered, the position of the arms changed, the face turned the other way, the hair and eyes made a different colour, and the expression of the mouth improved. | to think that, after all, Cartyie, himself, | Q. Did he make any other suggestions ? A. Yes; he wishes to have the child’s favourite pony and Newfoundland dog put in, with an indication of the ancestral home in the background. Q. Is he willing to pay anything extra | for these additions ? A. He does not consider it necessary. Q. Are you well on with your Academy p*cture ? A. No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday. Q. Have you the model ? A. No; the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent R.A. Q. Under these circumstances, do you still expect to get finished in time ? ; A. Yes; I have been at this stage in February for as many years as I can re- member, and have generally managed to worry through somehow. secured handsome A PLATONIC VALENTINE. Hap your path long since crossed mine, When love’s arrows were acuter, Haply then my Valentine You had been, and I your suitor, Now no more our passions rage, Sentiment we bar as stupid ; Verging on the middle age We defy the darts of Cupid. Yet, although with fancy free Trivial topics we discourse on, Valentine you still may be, Lady, and I’ll be your Orson. An Omission anD Suceestion.—A sec- ond edition is announced of a popular work entitled Men who have made the Empire. Is Mr. Gzorce Epwarpes included? He has done much towards making the Em- ire, not to mention the Gaiety and Daly’s. Shall we have a companion volume, Men and Women who have made the Alhambra? With, of course, a portrait of M. Jacosi. —

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Fesrvary 12, 1898.] CaS a 5% Hounds running hard, Mr. Pulker. ‘‘Goopness Gracious, JANE! THAT Motuer’s MEETING AT Five. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ) —_ -~¢> & SN BE -ae ar€ a & - A THOUGHTFUL MAN, Do you KNOW IT's AFTER Four? « if . a 3 oY a av y WH » i fe} AN) eS \ Y d ‘| (i | 4 » | iH) » .) ' wa eg “ih 4 ~ yy ¥ Yi MO Ji ‘ Np 1 \ PN cl | The handy line of gates having come to an end, Mr. Pulker and his Wife arrive at a stiff boundary Fonee, WE MUST BE STARTING FoR Home, OR You ‘LL MI88 WHAT A CONFOUNDED NvIsance !” HOW TO LIVE LONG. PresuMABLY as the result of the recent articles in the Daily News, Mr. Punch has been inundated with letters from a host of correspondents who beg him to observe the rules by which they have attained longe- vity, in order that he may long be spared to gladden their leisure hours. He is, of course, gratified to find himself the object of so much solicitude on the part of his readers, but at the same time he finds it difficult to follow the advice of all. “Sep- tuagenarian,” for instance, urges him to become a vegetarian. “On no account touch meat. It is poison. For the last fifty years I have dined on a boiled onion, and supped off a pint of lentil porridge.” “ Octogenarian,” on the other hand, urges him “to eat, drink and be merry as much and as often as you please. I find there is nothing like a jolly good dinner, followed by a theatre, and supper with plenty of champagne, to put me in real good form.” “ Nowugenarian ” declares that “the secret of long life lies in a cold tub taken every morning, winter and summer, with unfail- ing regularity.” “Centenarian,” again, writes, “ Beware of soap and water—they spell death. For my part, I have only had a bath once in my life, when I went to the workhouse and could not help myself. The result was I caught a chill from which I nearly died.” “Home-bird” avers that she owes her eighty years of happiness to ma- ‘ rimony. “Gay D of Ninety” says, “ Half a century ap tan to marry, when I suddenly remembered your advice, and didn’t. O, Mr. Punch! but for you I should have been dead these forty years.” | “ Blue Ribbon” argues that none but tee- totalers can, or deserve to, attain old age. “Liver,” on the contrary, writes, “ Dear | Mr. Punch,—There is nothing like a good stiff jorum of your namesake to preserve | a man”; whilst “ Law and Order” declares for “ Regularity in all things. Look at me! Here am I, ninety-nine years of age, hale | and hearty as a chicken of twenty. I get | drunk regularly every Saturday night, and | remain so till Tuesday morning.” “ irish- | man” writes, “If ’tis long ye’re wantin’ to live, ye must begin over agin. "Tis all a | question of heredity, it is. Ye must choose yer own feyther an’ mother an’ see they coom from a long-lived stock, an’ that’s | the only way at all, at all.” If it were not | for the initial objection that he is already born, and the further difficulty of selecting | your parents before you yourself have any existence, Mr. Punch would be inclined to believe that “Irishman” had hit the nail on the head; but for the present these two obstacles seem insuperable. For the rest, as it is manifestly impossible to adopt the advice of all, while it might be thought | invidious to make distinctions, Mr. Punch has decided to thank his correspondents for their kindly suggestions, but to continue | in his old habits and to take his chance of | long life with his neighbours. MEMORIES OF MY VALENTINES. “ The time I’ve lost in wooing.””— Moore. O’er rhythm and rhyme I’ve wasted my time In singing the praises of Nancy. Who proved but a jilt, Not true gold, but gilt, And Litian captured my fancy. My lovely Karuieen, My pride and my Queen, Alas! it was dreadfully shocking ; We ne’er could agree, It turned out that she Was what people call a blue-stocking There ne’er lived a man Who so adored Fan, She was all that my fancy depicted, So loving and kind, I hated to find She was with a temper afflicted. I do not suppose A girl such as Ross You ’d meet in the whole of life ’s journey, Ere I could decide To make her my bride, She wedded an artful attorney. Tho’ years may roll by, Still single am I, I can’t find a maiden to marry, For while I reflect, They seem to select, Such fellows as Tom, Dick or Harry.

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PUNCH, OR THE Lé LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesruary 12, 1898. TO INTENDING JUDGES. Tue innocence of the Bench is a thing of the past. Nowadays a judge must be omniscient. He must no longer ask counsel to explain the meaning of the expression “ Derby Day”: on the contrary, he must be prepared to instruct a “ bookie” in the art of betting, or to explain to a milliner the difference between | Roman and ordinary satin. Indeed, Mr. Punch hears that 1 | future candidates for judicial honours are to be subjected to a rigorous examination in General Information, of which the fol- lowing test-paper has been handed to him as a sample :— 1. Explain the terms “box-pleat,” “gusset,” “peuf,” “chev- rette,” “plastron,” “revers,” “placket-hole,” “foundation,” “shaped yoke,” “combinations.” 2. Give the genus, species and property of “ molleton,” “ cache- mire,” “tulle,” “ chiffon,” “ sarcenet,” “ broché silk,” “ glacé silk,” “quipure.” Sketch from these materials a toilette to suit a nv « | short. stout witness of forty-five. 3. Translate into English the following passage from a ladies’ | journal, commenting on the grammar and the words italicised : - “The five-gore skirt is fitted without darts, and measures about 3% yards round hem, pattern being used for cutting liming and material, which make up together, and in cutting out place centre front to a fold to avoid seam, front side of back gore to velvedge, and the line of oblong holes inside gore on the straight of material.” 4. Give the dates of the following Sprine meetings :—New- market Craven, Lincoln, Chester, Lingfield, Nottincham, Kemp- ton. Mention the probable starters (with age and weight) for each. 5. At what price did Rend Or start when he won the Derby? | Supposing that he and Persimmon were running in the same | “ALL A-GROWING, ALL A-BLOWING!/ [ Miss Nicnonson spoke of the facility with which vegetarians might, it they pressed their demands upon their tradesmen, obtain vegetarian boots and vegetarian gloves.”—Report in Daily Paper of Meeting of the Vegetarian Federal Union.) Our Lunatic CoNTRIBUTOR THINKS THIS AN EXCELLENT IDEA. tuT WHY NOT HAVE VEGETARIAN Coats, AND Hats, TOO—IN FACT, | VeceTartan CLoruine rrom Heap to Foor? OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. The Confession of Stephen Whapshare (HutcH1Nson) is a story | as powerful as it is unpleasant. Mrs. (or Miss) Emma Brooke draws a vivid picture of a pretty, selfish clinger to the outer shell | of religious life mated to a strong-willed, deep-passioned, ambitious man. As a work of art it is admirable. But my | Baronite fancies the mijority of people take up a novel in search | of pleasurable rest. This is not found in the company, the | household, or the environment of Stephen Whapshare and his | wife. The only time the heart warms towards him is when he gets rid of Mrs. W. by an overdose of chloral. The Liberal Magazine, just issued from the Liberal Publica tion Department, 42, Parliament Street, is recommended for the use of Liberal speakers and canvassers. It need not necessarily be limited to that school of politician, being full of information on a wide range of public matters. Volume V. forms a political record for the year 1897, which, with the assistance of a-complete index, may, my Baronite says, be turned to with advantage in the coming year. Falklands (Lonemans & Co.), by the author of The Life of Sir Kenelm Digby, is the pleasantly told story of a statesman who had been as unsuccessful in politics as in warfare, and not so extraordinarily happy in his home. That Lucius Cary was cou- rageous is shown by his conduct in action; and that he was rash in speech is evident from his bold attempt at making a pun out of the most hopeless verba! materials. Not even one of Wirittam Sruaksprarer’s clowns could have said anything more feeble than | did Lord Fatktayp when he replied to Hype that “a Secretary in War may be present at the greatest secret of danger.” Indeed, “a lame pun,” as the author says in a foot-note. Lord Farx- LAND, when he made this essay in punning, was just thirty-three, an] ought to have known better. On the other hand, it must be | borne in mind that be was not aware of the presence of “a chiel amang ve. takin’ notes, an’ faith he ’ll prent it,” and so probably indulged in a witticism which he considered just about up to the level of his companion’s comprehension. The hook and its illus- | trations are most interesting. Tue Baron vz B..W. “Fueaces Annos!”—Quite an impossibility,—“ to fir a day.” vear, estimate the odds for and against either. 6. Give the names, weights, length, breadth and thickness | | of the Oxford and Cambridve crews from 1%89. 7. Give the batting averages to date of StoppaRt’s team, and the bowling analyses of anv three Australimns. 8. Distinguish, if possible, between the terms, “ sparrina | match,” “ pri-e fight,” “homicide.” Under which category would you include the recent fight at the National Sporting Clnb ? 9. Explain the words “ Pav,” “ Tiv,” “ Jimmy's.” Write down | anvthing you know about them. 10. Translate and comment on the following technical expres- sions: “ Blackheath’s tackling was judicious. but they were weak | in the scrum.” “The forwards were ragged, and their shooting | innocent of sting.” “Convert the point.” “Punt.” “Lob.” “Yorker.” “Niblick.” “Dormy one.” “Three up and two to play.” VALENTINE’S DAY—THEN AND NOW. THen—Tuirty Years Aco. Family assembled. Paterfamilias. Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful! | Materfamilias. Well, dear, remember it’s only one 1 year, | and we used to enjoy it ourselves before we were married! Eldest Daughter. I got half-a-dozen last year. I daresay I shall get twice as many this. Second Daughter. I daresay! I believe you send them yourself! Eldest Daughter. So probable! How can you think of such silly things! And how spiteful of you! Son and Heir. Don’t quarrel, girls! And here’s the post. Enter Servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and distributed. Chorus. What are they ? Paterfamilias (disgusted at his budget). Valentines! Now—To-pay. Family assembled as before. Paterfamilias. The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a memorable date—somehow. Materfamilias. To be sure. father. It’s Valentine’s Day. Eldest Daughter. Is it really true, mother, that people used to receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards ? Second Daughter. Come, you can surely remember. so very long for you. It’s not Eldest Daughter. Don’t be spiteful! Remember, Miss, there’s | only a counle of years between us! Second Daughter. Really! From our appearance there might be a decade ! Son and Heir. Don’t quarrel, girls! And here’s the post! Enter Servant with a solitary letter. Chorus. What is it ? i Paterfamilias (perusing a bill). Not a Valentine!

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| Martell’s ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fenrvary 12, 1898, DE LOSSY - HOLDEN CHAMPAGNE. The 1892 Vintage of this renowned brand is pow in splendid condition, and must be justly onsidered the finest vintage of the century. TO BE HAD OF ALL WINE MERCHANTS. Consignee— W. DOYLE, 35, Crutched Friars, London, E.C. DE LOSSY - HOLDEN CHAMPAGNE. — POUDRE D'AMOUR Prepared by Picard Fréres, Parfumeurs. A TOILET POWDER cor THE COMPLEXION, For the Nursery Roughnann 4 of the Skin, After Shaving, &c. PURE AND HARMLESS. BLANCHE, NATURELLE, BACHEL, 1s. Of PERFUMEKS, CHEMISTS, &c. Wholesale, K. HOVENDEN & SONS, Berners cueet, and City Road, B.C., London his Grand Old wae is a blend of the ‘the most famous ~~ SMALL driLis. ‘ample bottle post free on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 8d. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO, 4 and 26, HART 8T., BLOOMSBURY, W.C. Sold by ail Laspine Mancuants throughout Ixvta and the Coron izs. a - mun Fam PROTECTS FROM ! RIGHTS MALL P( Kb =COAL re ener J a eiseases P ™"SOAP “aw virate” BRANDY, We have decided to offer a portion of our Stock of fine Old Cognac io Deenty to the Public direct, comprising some 400 Dozen of 1872 and 1875 wall foo of the “ ylloxera”’ in the Cognac district, we were well Bey 3 4 Largest Shippers of Fine Brandy outside London, and this fact enables us to make our present offer. Brandies were shipped by Mesars. L. Bead & Co., Cognac whom we have bought Brandy for over 50 years), in 1880, and were poeuty Dated by ae in Bond. We have no hesitation in saying that the -qual of these fine Cha ne Brandtes is hardly to be found ; they are, in fact, priceless. We offer the 1872 Vint at the very moderate price of 185s. per doz., and the 1875 at 1808. per doz. ie. allowance of 5s. per dozen may be deducted by purchasers of not less than 3 dozen). ; Cash, or Bankers’ or e References. Carri Paid—W. & 8. KENT & SON (Eetebliched 1778), UPTON-ON-SEVERN, and HOPE REET, GLASGOW. N.B.—Intending purchasers are uested to write as early as bi i that the demand will greatly exceed ‘supply. All be oye will be dealt with in in rotation, and no no notice taken of those not in accordance with the terms stated abo above. HIERATICA ~~: Parenr, 5 Quires, 1s. Court Envelopes, 1s. per 100. Thin, for Foreign Correspondence, 6 Quires. 1s. Mourning Note, 5 Quires, 1s. 6d. Mourning Envelopes, 1s. 64. per 100, Of all Stationers, or send stamps to Hieratica Works, 68, Upper Thames Stree, London, ae & SILVER, encil cases - with boxes of ene bearing the registered S.Mordan xCe can be obtained f frow, al Jewelle = & Stationers . AN OLD SAW MODERNISED. PLAYER’S ‘NAVY CUT” is the ORIGINAL and the BEST. It is sold only in 1-0z. Packets, and in 2-0z., 4-0z., 8-oz. and 1-Ib. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in fine smoking condition. Smokers are cautioned against imita- tions. Always ask for ‘* PLAYER’S.” PLAVER's. “NAVY CUT” Gaqgetres in Packets costaining 6 aod in Tins of 24, se and 100. a - a PLA S ‘“‘NAVY CUT” CIGARE “MAG una, *—flarge ver’ , Tias of 16, ge size} in Pocket Cases containing 6, and BUCHANAN BLEND SCOTCH WHISKY AS SUPPLIED TO THE HOUSES or PARLIAMENT. Burrow’s “Soda.” If you want REAL SODA for your Whiskey, ask for it by its PLAIN NAME, and get BURROW’S if you can— It is by far the best. Bottled at THE SPRINGS, MALVERN. nm A THOMAS TURNER @ CO. Make Their Own Steel. CRERATOR Mand Forged. Extra er ~ ~” ie vund Carefully set. Guaranteed Perfect. Kee on Shank Ivory, 60. ; Black, 4s. Ken’ lie tree List « of Cases rom all Dealers, or write direct to Makers, T. TURNER @ CO., SUFFOLK WORKS, SHEFFIELD who will cores through nearest agent Ask for ** Bncore® Pocket | aad Table Cutlery. BEDFORD. Ploughs, Harrows, Sptivasers, Haymakers, Horse es, Straw Trussers, Mowers, fies Oil Engines, & Light rieanes. ilways -DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of ras STOMACH, HEARTHURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION Sold throughout the W orld HIGHEST GRADE AME : went, SMERICANSt SHOES : — — nI INOON Tt AMERICAN SHOE 6° soteiteo 169.REGENT STW BLISS’s CELEBRATED CHIPPING NORTOR ue a do See

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Fessevary 12, 1898. I \\ “4 |b TOUCHES THE CHEEK /| OF BEAUTY SO GENTLY | THAT YOUTH LINGERS ) ON THE FACE OF AGE WA AND AGE ITSELF LOOKS YOUTH Pears’ is matchless Uff for the complexion \ i j \\ S (} MY, 0 IZ 5 im the Parish of . t eee proeery, gauew. 6 Gy Lae -