Punch 1898-01-22: Vol 114 Iss 2950

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|CHOCOLAT MENIER fw wa eR \ | at, SYA By OWS «Ss

Wr WAAL ~ 1474

= : 1, ts . i Nl) a) shy \s 'e | |) PE tae =S : ‘ . 34 fal if 1 Tae A M ee e ~ \ I" , | Ss BH ae = SS | Wy Nh : IS : 7 lin 1yytuiadan 57h (calla du obdle wait vi Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. VOLUME CXIV. Yo) i | JANUARY 22, Pat a, < ae Fare a BD Sa a aT ; PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. 7 . ~ ‘) yy) 26 of \\ a ee Bd rT ES — . . = es \ Ny . “ s — = SWAN — pe ‘. raul My! ’ - = : ——— 5 aii. «:., J ea oraype™ PRICE THREE PENCE ~ ih ' i SUT it e~ a 3 ! ial? “a 7 % ‘i ddl i) le mh oe ny i eS \ z gL Ns We @ [ NM . wi by AY 1 4 Piling Dy) : 2 , .) ei 2 ‘ hae DS | NOS \ i - Wil) OK CA A ae yi \ re i 4 I I} ,

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LONDON. ,

i RE ; ~~ | parr 4 W YG \ Sey «PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, ~~ ATR A BUI S

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@@® NOTICE.—Communications or Contributions. whether MS., Printed Matter. Drawings. or Pictures of any description, will not be returned unless accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper.

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de eee, ee Pe neban,

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IL. Tae Lvucviivs PUNCH, OR THE: LONDON CHARIVARI. SS SSS SS SS —, RESEARCHES IN ANCIENT SPORTS. Gor Civ. MONTE CARLO. On, don’t I wish that I possessed a tiny principality, So beautifully placed upon a quite ideal spot, Between two hostile countries to be sure of its neutrality, Then leased by a Casino! What an enviable lot! My income would increase like that of ALBERT, Prince of Monaco, Who thrives so well on persons who are out upon the loose, But ALBert for more golden eggs, don’t be too hard upon a Co. That keeps you. here would you be if you killed the gam- bling goose ? OUR GIRLS. WHAT TO GIVE THEM ? Dear Mr. Puncn,—When my sisters went off to the cricket- field on a fine summer morning, and left me at home to darn the socks and overhaul the washing, I used to feel the bitterness of things and to blame Fate that had made me a man. But experience has taught me that few changes are so fraught with evil as not to bring some compensating good, and even in this latterday reversal of the sexes, Pand a drop of consolation which goes far to reconcile me to my altered lot. The problem, “ What to give our girls?” is one that vexes all men, and as I have at last solved it, a list of my presents will, I am convinced, be of interest and value to your readers. To Karte, who is a cricket enthusiast, I have given a cane-spliced bat and a pair of pads. The latter she has buckled on, and with the former in her hands, she studies her positions in the looking- glass all day, and slogs imaginary “fours.” Mary, who is no mean pugilist, would now treat suéde and kid with equal scorn : I have, therefore, presented her with a pair of boxing-gloves, and she may now seen in her bedroom sparring at a bladder from ten to four. Neue, who is something of a scorcher, used to complain that her road-racing records were always being spoilt by stupid deaf old gentlemen, who would keep getting knocked down. I have bought her the loudest and best bicycle bell in the market, and she has now ridden for a fortnight without a casualty. Jane is captain of her College Fifteen, and I am working her the Girton arms upon a football jersey. As my little gift was not ready in time, P bought her an interim present of a hundred cigarettes. When Papa is not about she lets me whiff one with her, and she -— it is a pity I am not a girl, for | I have plenty of pace, and wit my shoulders I ought to be very useful in the scrum. One oF THE WEAKER Sex. Aw Era or Patmistry.—The Era Almanack for 1898 contains fac-similes of the hands of actors and actresses. All hands to the Era! These “hands” are not by any means out of work, but they are decidedly striking. Mrs. Keeiey’s takes the palm. Though the hands are scored with lines, yet no one hand exactly | indicates the line its owner has taken professionally. Nothing VOL. CXIV, | delights an actor more than “getting a hand,” and here each | provides the requisite applause for himself. Should the Editor | wish to continue the series he will simply have to advertise, ‘“ All | hands to the Era!” OLD MASTERS AT TEE GRAFTON GALLERY. Mr. Sext1ar, nobly emulous of the example of Mr. Henry Tate has been desirous of dedicating his private collection of pictures |to the enjoyment of the public. e idea is excellent. Two Tétes are, as the French say, better than one. Indeed, we could do with any number such as Henry. But there are pictures and | pictures, and the Seiuar Collection, not to put too fine a point upon it, is not quite equal to the Tate. A committee of experts | ‘called upon to adjudge the merits of the collection, advised | | the London Corporation, to whose care the collection was com. | mitted, to decline the charge. Mr. Seuiar, appealing to Cesar, | now displays his pictures at the Grafton Gallery and invites the | | public to decide between his taste and that of the committee over | which the P.R.A. presided. The other night, Tony, M.P., supping with Grorncr GrossmiTH at the festival given at the Grafton in celebration of Gee Grr’s golden wedding (Eheu ! how time flies), had an opportunity of see- |ine the pictures. He is glad to think he seized it before supper. suspected an access of nightmare. Old Masters they are called— old beyond recognition. Where a single man, of whatsoever active | habits could have picked them up, is matter for fresh marvel. |The probability is, Mr. Setuar was assisted in his generous | labour by a procession of the gentlemen to be met with in country | districts who go about with an oil-painting tucked under either larm, and will “let you have the pair for fifteen bob” if you | don’t happen to have three guineas. | The Gallery was ental, and there was some idea among | Gee Ger’s guests of buying “Three Cuyps and a Cow”—a rare | Otherwise, gazing upon these things in gilt frames, he would have | venerable host as a memento of the interesting occasion. | i—_— of the Master's earliest manner—and presenting it to | the | But it came to nothing. Business done.—All Se.tar’s; no buyers. At Our Canal-side Sunday-School. | Our Curate. Now, my boy, you know St. Perer was first of all a fisherman with a fishing-boat. What did he become after that ? first ’ad a fishin’ boat—an’ was a fisherman—an’—— Our Curate (encouragingly). Yes—and then? What was Peter called after that ? Second and Smaller Boy (holding up his hand). Please, Sir, I know! : Our Curate (nodding to him). — then. Second and Smaller Boy. Please, Sir, he became a Barge-owner. (Curate explains ‘‘ Bar-jona,” and lesson proceeds, n First Boy (after considerable pause, hesitatingly). Yes, Sir, he | es -

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— ge ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [January 22, 1898. 4) CONSEIL a —— =~ ——— ee = —S—S————— JS - _—_ =] =| 1 SS uh | — { — 1 4 —— If} | = aR ESTERHAZY DESDE | = i] a wth deanting of DE CUERRE iain THE REAL Justice. ‘‘Wuy are my Doors cLosep?” “VEILED LADY.” |

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| so constructed, on a sort of elastic hold-all | principle, as to enable it to accommodate | appreciated by the public is evident, to | quote the Bard, | which line, when found in the Third Part | turned out to Grasse. | | | } } January 22, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a7 | A HAPPY RETURN. Nor only like “le petit bonhomme” does) | ))) 1,1) the sprightly Circus Girl “vit encore”! |) 4l)') |i Tm tigl rt | t the Gaiety, but she is i ounger | || eh | | = she gets a (a circus of is nen nd f Wid) ting on and off—her horse), and nil we HT _— return of Miss Ex.tatins Terriss to the | Gaiety Theatre, The Circus Girl seems to have obtained a new lease of life, without there having been any ordinary signs of the former lease having nearly run out. Its last nights are not yet within anything like measurable distance. The piece is lier than ever. With the most welcome | | everything and anything in the way of music, song, dance, or dialogue, that the astute Mr. Grorcr Epwarpes may see fit to cram into it. And that this plan is “‘ As may appear by Epwarp’s good success,” of Henry the Sixth, Act III., Se. 3, the reader may, an’ it so please him, “ make a note of.” En attendant Vive Groner I., Roi du Thédtre “Gaiety,” and health, happiness, with all success to Miss ELLALINE TERRISS. Le Genre Ennuyeux. Taat bordereau and that chose jugée, The papers are full of them every day; That chose jugée and that bordereau, One settled too fast, and the other too slcw, Chers voisins, again the chose jugée You ought to try in another way, But don’t you think that the bordereau Might be forgotten, it bores us so ? DeriniTion oF THE LoGROLLARITHM (by our ee Mathematician).—“ The ex- ponent of the power of a number to deal we with a certain other number, the whole — power of the two combined being equal to ee the first as applied to the second. Q.E.D.” a Y di ProverB TO BE REMEMBERED BY ANY iA one VisiTING THE SeLtLaR COLLECTION IN 4 Bonp Street Saow-Room.—“ Ars est Sellare Artem.” Winter Cure ror Invarips.— Being Brown (who has been dining at the Club with Jones), ‘JUST COME IN A MINUTE, OLD FELLOW | AND HAVE A NIGHT-CAP.” Jones. ‘I’M AFRAID IT’S GETTING A LITTLE LATE. Let's sEE HOW ‘s THE Enemy.” Brown. ‘‘Ou! THAT’s ALL RIGHT. Sa#z's in Bev.” OUR BOOKING.-OFFICE. Lapy Warwick has done a womanly and a graceful thing (but that ’s tautology, my Baronite says) in volunteering to edit the life of Joseph Arch (Hutcutinson). She has done more. She has written a preface in which the wife of a arc Warwickshire landlord ext the work of the Warwickshire agricultural labourer who started and led to bloodless victory one of the greatest revolutions of the century. When Josern Arcu, dress- ing himself in a pair of cord trowsers, a cord vest, and an old flannel jacket, went out on the 7th of Feb., 1872, to address the gaunt and hungry crowd gathered under a spreading chestnut tree at Wellesbourne, the agricultural labourer was in a parlous state. In Warwickshire his wage was twelve shillings a week, and indignant farmers told him he ought to be ashamed of him. self asking for more, since down in Devonshire it did not exceed nine shillings. “He had no organisation,” Lady Warwick writes; “the Trades Unions let him alone. e had no money ; the professional agitator ignored him. He had no vote; the politician passed him by.” How all this was changed Jossrn Arca tells in simple, graphic fashion. The stout volume has the double attraction cf describing a great political episode, and re- vealing a notable man. Tue Baron ve B.-W. “Trroven a Giass DARKLY.”—Sir,—This is dreadfully fogey weather, and I am at the best of times rather short hted, so may have missed something on the advertisements the Hay- market Theatre which I ought to have seen. However, what I have frequently seen within the last week is an announcement in, of course, Roman capital letters, to the effect that Julius Cusar is to be given at the Theatre Royal Haymarket. The advertise- ment, in very large letters so that he who travels express may , is, “Julius Casar—Alma-Tadema, R.A.,” and there are some other words probably of little importance. Why, Sir, this will draw the town, for who can draw if Auma-Tapema, R.A., can’t, aye, and paint, too? Of course he ll have to paint in making-up. What an artistic work his false Roman nose will be!! must hurry off to obtain seats. All the world and his wife will be there. Yours, Boxeprivus Cacvs. A Corner 1x Doos.—Some shrewd Yankees, foreseeing a great rush to Klondike in the Spring, have bought up all the sledge. dogs near the coast. At times, in the so-called silent watches of the night, we wish those Yankees would come to London and buy up all the cats. Tinned, they might be sold in Klondike as English rabbits. A corner in cats, which would remove the cats from every corner, is a kind of corner we should recommend. *

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| Midday going Train away. | too bob—wwas ist das ?—and i say Nothing.” _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 22, 1898, 4 | ee TABLEAUX VIVANTS AT A CHRISTMAS HOUSE PARTY. The Duchess (just arrived, rather late), ‘‘ Lonp AU-ous-Tus !!” Lord Augustus (emerging suddenly from ‘‘ Green Room’’), ‘ART WINS THE Heart,’ DON'TOHERKNOW. OELEBRATED PICTURE. ‘Irs ALL nigHT, DucHEss. Don’t BE ‘ HUFFY.’ OHAP PAINTING A VASE. How p’yg po? I'm IN THE TABLEAU, How ‘po, Lapy Mas! How ‘po, Lapy Gerry! Like my eer ur? Just gornc on. Loox sHARP To Your SEATS, OR YOU'LL Miss ME! Ta, TA!” LUDWIG IN LONDON, ARRIVAL IN THE EMPIREHEADTOWNg - Honourep Mister Over-Newsrarers-Direktor,—Endly kom i after one fierful, in the because of the even so black as Neit Fog delayed Train, and because of the fast unsufferly, fast wner- trdglichen, Hunger and Thirst who me during unbelievely long- weily Hours as one unluckly in one middleagely Castle inshutted Prisoner tortured, Voyage in London, the Headtown Englands, at. I voyage from Dover in the towards Londonbritsch at the I have to the Overwaiter, to the Portier, to the Hausknecht, Houseknight—ach nein, man say in Englisch “the Shoes ”—and to yet other Persons, in the Hand one Drinkgold pressed. Even so mutsch Drinkgold as in Wien! I had only german Gold, so have i the Reckoning therewith payed, but i Eave something in the Change lost. Lucklywise had i some german Fiftypfennigebits for the Drinkgolds. The Diener- shaft seemed not very content, i know not why. But in the Railstation give i one Fiftypfennigebit to the Packagecarrier, and he say, “ No, Maunsiah, not gud.” Warum sagen sie alle, “Maunsiah”? See i as one Frencher out? Unpossibly! It ave Frenchers who siemly fat are, but they are so short. I am not thin, but i am high as the most Prussiers. I inhabited one- time in Miinchen, so drink i Bier yet willinger as the Berliners, aad man say that the Miincheners so fat are, because they so mutsch Bier drink. Also say i to the Packagecarrier, “It is queit gud, it is german Silver.” “No blumin—was ist das?—german Silver sixpenses fer me,” call he, “its passin bad munny, yud git in onda jst das ’—for it, if i split on yer—Himmel, was sagt er ?—so make “T understand not,” anser i, “what wish You? Have You a Tarif.” “Yes,” say he, “Tarif, too bob, too Schillings.” Zwei Mark! Ach, wie teuer! England is yet deerer as Wien. I have in the Hotel Cash some little Money received, and i give him too Schilling. en step i in the Waggon up, and he say, as the Train away go, “Thanky, Maunsiah.” Noch wieder! What for one little Coupé! in Prussia The Trains in England are not as There have we Waggons thro covered Gangways together joined, Foodwaggons, the whole Train heeted, and so | farther. Now am i in one little Coupé, without Heet, without Food, inshutted, and hier must i sit remain, because it no Korridor along the Train is. I have only one Voyagefellow, one old Lady. She sit next to the Window, who wide opened is. The Weather is not Kold, but it is unpossibly in the January, without Heeting, so to voyage. “ Beg, gracious Woman,” say i, “permit You to me the Window totomake.” And i make it to. “No, thank You,” say she, “i prefer it open.” “You wish the Window opened in the January, in this miserabel, kold, englisch Waggon? It is unpossibly!” “We must have some Air,” say she, Sut she shut it a little. Himmel! “What,” call i, | The old | englisch Ladys are strong. The fresh Air in the Summer some- | times is sound, gesund ; she is very dangerly, gefdhrlich, in the Winter. in the german Railwaywaggon kom she never. Lucklywise am i with mein Voyagecover, too Overcoats, and one Mantel, called in Germany “‘ Havelock,” covered, and like- wise kan I smoke because the Coupé not Nicht-Raucher inscribed is. I kindle mein Cigar at. “Oh!” call the old Lady, “Smoking is not allow Not-Smoker.” “This is not a Smokingcarridge,” say she. “ Forgive,” say i, a little angry, “this is not Not Smoking. So kan ismoke. You shud not hierin kom.” Meenweil the Train thro several Tunnels, where the Air yet colder is, go, and then halt he. “Garde!” call the old Lady. Was ist das? Ach, der | Schaffner! The old Lady spiek, he — i spiek. We are all angry. Endly understand i that in England man only in the Coupé, as in France “ Fumeurs” inscribed, smoke. “I go also in one other Waggon,” say i. “No Time,” say the Garde, the Train go, and there must i the whole Voyage with the old Lady, and the fresh Air, and without Cigars, remain. Donnerwetter! At the next Railstation dare i not outtostep, because the stop- ping so short is. One half Hour later become the Heaven quiet dark. It is too Clock. Wie sonderbar! The Train halt. No Railstation. Iam hungry. If i only in Prussia were, now would i one Sausage in the Foodwaggon eat, and one Pair Glas Bier drink. Lucklywise kom the Train about half three in London at. So shall i at three Clock dine. Ach nein! Not at three, not at four, not at five! I die of Hunger. But i relate the fierful Adventure in mein next Brief. Highattentionsfull humblest Lupwie. .” “ Beg,” i anser, ‘this Coupé is not | JAN t t C End, mau.- WE week prom unde: a pre issuet The wil Co Tl Di Shar follo U1 on A CHA Poli BLL Lhe JOH SAM esti

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January 22, 1898.] WHY GO TO KLON——? “CrossinG Sweerer.—Pitch, with goodwill, in the fashionable West End, held by present owner fourteen years; good opening for a respectable man.—Address, &c.””] We learn that the above advertisement, which appeared last week in the columns of a leading morning paper, has been promptly acted 4 by a well-known company-promoter. The indertaking has n placed on a sound commercial basis, and 1 prospectus, from which we extract the following particulars, issued : — The List will Open To-morrow, Thursday, Jan. 20, 1898, and will Close on or before Friday, Jan. 20, 1899, for Town and Country. THE UPPER BROOK STREET CROSSING-SWEEPING AND CAB-RUNNING COMPANY, LIMITED. (Incorporated under the Companies Acts, 1862 to 1893.) SHARE CAPITAL .. . £100. Divided into 1,000 £500 per cent. Cumulative Preference Shares of ls. each, and 1,000 Ordinary Shares of 1s. each. inet are now offered for Subscription at Par, and payable as rollows :— On Application, 14d. per share ; on Allotment, 14d. per share ; on April 1, 1899, 3d. per share ; and the balance when called upon. Drirecrors. CuarLes E, Coiiines, Esq. (the Vendor), Rowton House, Vauxhall, 5.W. Policeman A1666, Brook Street Fixed-point. BILL MuGG@INs, ksq., Unlicensed Cab-Runner, London, W. the Duke of SEvEN U1A.s (no fixed abode). JoHN JONES, Ksq., Orator, Hyde Park, W. SaMUEL Gereivper, Ksq., ‘Turncock and Gasman, No. 1, Mayfair Alley, W. BaNnKERS. The Consolidated Penny Bank, ‘‘hreadneedle Street, E.C. Secretary, Auditor, and Consulting Engineer— The Vendor, Rowton House. PRosPEcTUs. 1. This Company is formed to acquire the well-known and old- established business of Mr. COLLINGs, Crossing-sweeper, of U pper Brook Street, W., and that of Mr. BiLL MueGiNns, Protessional Cab-tollower, of London-within-.he-Radius. 2. lt 1s proposed to effect an amalgamation of the above- mentioned higniy remunerative and prosperous concerns, under | a scheme of nnancial unification, the respective working stattfs | and plant remaining discinct, as heretofore. 3. The question of “ perks,” over and above legitimate earn- ings, to be settied by private treaty between the Vendor and lus Patrons. 4. ‘lhe remarkably prosperous undertaking of the Vendor was first initiated tourteen years ago, when the goodwill of a sound, attractive, and well-organised street-crossing in Mayfair was taken over for a consideration by the present Vendor, first as a locum tenens, and subsequently in permanency, all out-standing claims and liabilities having been settied with the aid of a broom- stick. From the commencement the annual turnover has been on a largely increasing scale, owing to the adoption of business- like methods, and to the masterly mactivity of the Local Vestry, combmed with a judicious nictitation of the eye of the adjacent policeman for the time being. The weather has been almost consistently muddy and favourable for a steady high uverage of takings, and there is every prospect that this desirable state of affairs will continue. Among the Vendor’s Patrons are numbered some of the most exquisitely-shod wearers of patent-leather among the British aristocracy, and not a few short-sighted and timorous old ladies of a thoroughly reliable and benevolent character. 5. The contemplated Cab-Running branch of the joint under- | taking is a later development, but is already peodestine of a splendid dividend, the initial outlay being extremely small. Mr. | Mveerns has attended to his customers on a scientific and im- | partial system, and it is felt that the time has arrived to invite the Public at large to co-operate cordially in the exploitation of his eloquent and unrivalled methods in the pursuit of travelling- | trunks and the cajolement of their owners. 6. It will be readily recognised that the proposed venture is totally distinct from speculative schemes of the “ wild-cat ” order, and it is therefore scarcely necessary or advisable to present an estimate of the expenses (which are merely nominal, consisting in the purchase of one broom), and of the profits, which are likely to rival, if not to surpass, those of many of the Yukon bonanzas. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI wee | - Hy | | = LtewyZ Sree — BEFORE THE PARTY. Blasée Little Girl on Sofa (to exeited Younger Sister), ‘‘ An, Donoruy. YOU ’RE IN AN AWFUL HURRY TO BE OFF NOW. JUST YOU WAIT TILL YOU "VE BEEN THROUGH AS MANY SEASONS As Boppy anp 1!” “PERSICOS ODI, PUER, APPARATUS.” I mare your foreign manners—hat in hand To surly cabman and officious bobby. Your comic songs I fail to understand, I am a tourist ridden by his hobby. I hate the way you stare at me, asif =. I were a madman, or trick-bear in training, Because my suit is check—because I whiff A British pipe, your cigarettes disdaining. I hate your ’erés tonnerres—your double Dutch Quips and retorts I find abomination. An honest English —— that they cannot touch (And what is left to your imagination). Your dishes make me ill—I cannot live Without a hearty meal at =! uprising. All rolls and coffee would I gladly give For a small Bass, and steak that’s appetising. They told me that in Paris I should find My mother tongue on all hands—an illusion. It was not so, nor can I call to mind One soul, to whom I spoke without confusion. If e’er again I’m caught in such a pass Then find me drinking mazagan—or kola, Then write me down, if so disposed, an ass, And—more—a follower devout of Zoua. CANNIBALISM IN THE CuurRcH or EnoLanp!—It was recently reported that a certain clergyman had just been “collated” by his Bishop, who, immediately afterwards, invited several of the aforesaid reverend gentleman’s friends to a cold collation! This is most startling. ‘ill there not be an Ecclesiastical Commission to inquire into the facts ? — . — — - . — - -

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [January 22, 1898, | Grandpapa, “‘ Writ, LittLe Laby, WILL You GIVE ME A Lock OF THAT PRETTY HAIR | OF yoURs! Marjory. ‘‘ Yes, Granpa’; ENOUGH, WOULD 1T?” But "—(hesitating)»—‘‘I Don’t FINK ONE Lock WOULD BE | ccverings for the Professors’ “THE SECRET OF SEX ;” ALLecep Views or MApAM S8-r-8 GR-ND. [* Professor Scnenk, of Vienna, has explained to a correspondent that he can guarantee the birth of boys, but not of girls. He works in the cause of science, and is not anxious to make a fortune. He has accepted no reward in the successful cases he has treated,”’— Daily Paper. } Come to my heart, Herr Scuenx! the strangely human Charm of the chaste and specious yarns you spin Prcves you (the leech) and me (the writing woman) One kin! How often will a timorous confusion Redden the very nape of people’s necks, When anybody makes the least allusion To Sex! Should conversation turn upon the gender Of even substantives—they change their hue! But J am not so delicately tender ; Are you? Nay, but where common angels hardly dare a Footstep on dangerously shaky ground, There in their element both Scuenx and S-r-# Are fouad. They say you know by name each blood- | corpuscle Respectively veins ! I also haunt the scientist ; I hustle His brains. The many-daughtered fathers of Vienna Find you dispensing golden gifts like dirt ; You make their blighted hope of infant men a Dead cert. A rule or two, a regimen of diet, Gratis you give for joy of truth itself ; You will not sell nor do they want to buy it For pelf. Ah, Scuenx! (I shudder at the contempla- tion !) Had you some years ago matured your in men’s and women’s Pp | I might have been, to my humiliation, A man! A man, a mere male animal half-witted, | | My body bloated and my mind a blank, | A specimen of nature only fitted To spank |! I bless my horoscope whose leading feature | . Sha me a woman, feminine but firm ; | And not a reptile, not a crawling creature, A worm! But this in you, O Scuenx! I find abhor- | rent ; It seems like putting swine in front of pearls ; You only promise boys ; you give no warrant | For girls! | Then let my sisters, wise through your instruction, Reverse your method in its full details, And so avoid the dolorous production Of males! The eternal femimine’s eternal fitness | May thus attain to wipe all men away ; | Though S-x-n hardly hopes, for one, to witness That day. For men, I grant, were born to grovel ; Yet, were they once abolished in the ump, There might develop in the sexual novel A slump! | } » | Tis well! } UseruL anp ORNAMENTAL.—Girton, ac- cording to Miss Emity Davigs, needs fifty | more sets of rooms. Girton’s a-girton | on! Miss Davies observes, “ We have only | just touched the fringe of the demand ” fo: | seats for women in the Cambridge lecture- | rooms. Odd to commence with “the | fringe.” We suppose the Girton girls are | employing themselves in artistically-worked | i chairs in the | | University. The mental work at Girton is excellent, but the ornamental will be first- rate. | Posarvut.—Mr. CHamBersain, at Bir- |mingham last week, distinctly intimated that another university was wanted. Where? Well, he would put it “on a | priori grounds.” Why not put it on “a | Priory grounds,” if there be such a plot | vacant ? | | Drreromatic Nore (from our Special | Mandarin).—There is a general consensus of the Powers to isolate England, but | China, though not by any means agreeing with the Powers, wishes England to stand a loan.

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y it yla- our ure n; re, or- ol to he PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 22, 1898 pen Mba iy ie (ti ae NIA, y, . Stt+h ON THE “QUAY VIVE”! Jouw Butt. “WHAT, MATIES! WANT SOME 0’ MY OOAL TO GET TO CHINA! (To himself.) “I CAN ALWAYS STOP THE SUPPLIES!” RIGHT YOU ARE!”

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ee ie ee ee ee ee ee

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January 22, 1898.] ‘ “Fonp or Music! Way, wHEN I’m In Town, I Go TO A Music-HALL EVEKY NIGHT!” | | | 1} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 33 | | LABUNTUR ANNIP | Dear Ma. Puncu,—I have just read in the North British Daily Mau that Pro- tessor Oscar Brownine of Cambridge is only in the fortieth year of his age. As 1 covered a method of growing backwards, or that, at the early age of six and a halt, ue was qualified to impart that knowledge with which he has always been so fecund. Anyway, the problem is an interesting one. Perhaps the undoubted discovery of the fountain of Perpetual Youth may be the Anxiously awaiting further information, I am, your obedient servant, Decimus Diews.. (Olim Etonensis.) Dripwell Munachorum, near Devizes TO A SANDWICH-MAN, Suggested by the recent appearance of Advertise- ment Girls in the Streets of London.) Enoveu, enough! You are old and tough, gruff male, You have certainly never adorned a tale, | And even the morai you point is as stale As the station sandwich known by fame ‘lo the first mad wag who started the gale, | And moulded a metaphor into your name. VA j\) 7 Y i Avaunt, avaunt! Let perish the taunt, Our bread is new, and potted our meat, The railway sandwich we will not eat, So why should we suffer its like in a street P Of women new There now are a few Who willingly strut in the world’s full TWO WAYS OF DOLNG IT. THat SIDE OF THE CHANNEL. Tue accused had left the Court ac- quitted. He had certainly said some harsh things about the people who now applau him. He had also passed through the ordeal of an inquiry into his personal his- tory with some anxiety. But he was ac- quitted. Yes, acquitted. So the people cheered him to the echo. He was tired of bowing his acknowledgments. He was weary of hand-shakes. He was of course gratified, but it was embarrassing. It was not that he had won some magnificent vic- tory over the would-be invaders of his country. It was not that he had made a discovery that had startled the wondering world by its novelty. It was not that he had written a book of such magnificent proportions that Mouiere had to withdraw and SHakspEare take a back seat. No, the ovation was awarded for none of these feats. It had been merited by an act of far greater importance. So the cheers were repeated again and again. The columns of laudation were rizted and reprinted and _ reprinted. verywhere joy and triumph were dis- played. It was a grand day for the greatest country on the earth. view, =| And the world is the gainer—by loss of At last a foreigner asked the reason of you! the ne. he ast tee “Do you not know?” replie e entire | people, vith one voice. Why, we are From the Courts. making all this fuss because one of our! ()yoss-eramining Counsel. Now, Sir, how ded | citizens has been proved not to have been far away were you from the prisoner ? uilty of high treason! Hurrah! Likewise ip, hip hip! also bravissimo!” And then the rejoicings were renewed | with vigour. And that is the way they | have in France! _ Tus Sipe oF THE CHANNEL. The accused had left the Court ac- S quitted. There were a few articles in the papers pointing out that the matter was fairly satisfactory. And he himself was pleased to learn that he might claim to have left the Tribunal without a stain on his charac- ter. And a very intimate friend dropped him a line offering him luke-warm con- ratulations and a suggestion that he should more careful in the future. A foreigner asked what it was about. | “Scarcely know,” replied a casual ac-| had the proud privilege of being “up” to | nim when at Eton in the year 1566, | con- | clude that Professor O. B. has either dis- result of Professor O. B.’s research into | tistory! If so, Klondyke is not in it. | | Your mien is repellent, your manners are | , ’ | You have had your day, you are merely | And hide your head in some secret haunt. | quaintance ; “but that some one has bken| Trish Witness. Exactly a cubic yard, Sor. proved to be innocent.” Magistrate (severely, to witness). Do you And then the accused retired into private | know the meaning of “ cubic yard,” Sir? life. And that is the way they have in Witness (with an outburst of frankness). England! | Begorra! I do not. | | o om

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January

MR. PUNCH’S “ANIMAL LAND.” The Labs dhe Rukyuit dhi er little Creature does not dear lite Ztnimal iihes to run like “vdads nor peers. It likes r Tis turf and that. makes the ined ti car - ie “S ‘tes tine Ha feiee +: aie in Thus mar Wt “shan 2 * one i ano has 2 dam ale Wa is ittle dtnimal makes 2 us Comin oat ‘ato obn oa into 7 id5 afb ~ steel . es then + of noite + po runs . a na a Rbbew a here i <3¢ watts ‘aP waits te wafer jee or water: Pe Just ‘t and thats Cc “2 WN WN NURY ’ Snooxs,” he remarked. “It’s Miss PENMEN IN PENURY. Ty, a \, V Brown’s turn now. Off yougo! We allow * It is announced that a charitable English lady © e Jo ‘ them ten minutes each every day, he has undertaken to establish at Antibes a ‘ Home for f explained to me, _m which they may recite Poor Authors.’ "—The World, Jan. 12.) 5 their own compositions, and they are abso- Se - < lutely forbidden to quote them at other On reading this statement, Mr. Punch, / , times—a very necessary rule. Here comes with his usual promptness, ‘at once des- Miss Brown; she composes essays on patched his own Prophetic Interviewer to Modern Man. Want to hear her? All call upon the Superintendent of the Home, right, then, we ’ll go into the garden, where and has received the following report : — you a find ‘most a our inmates.” The Home is a pleasant building, stand- We had hardly emerged from the house ing in its own grounds, which are sur- when a wretched-looking creature, clad in rounded by a high wooden paling completely pitiable rags, came running up to me covered by advertisements. These set forth excitedly. the merits of certain works written by the . “Do give me a good notice!” he whined. inmates. “Try my Syrupy Sonnets!” read & ‘F< ; “ bed my new comedy—do say it’s a one poster; while next to it was the an- Ze : : happy jeu d’esprit, or a bright little gem, nouncement, “My historical novel defies : 2 or something of that sort!” competition. Read Blood and Thunder, NF2 f Se. “I’m not a critic, my dear Sir,” I said and you will be happy. Six murders, four : f —~ | soothingly, trying to isengage his hand suicides and three daring escapes for 4s. 6d. woe from my coat. net!” Passing into the building, I found “Oh, but you have influence!” he the Superintendent, who courteously gave pleaded. “Tf you only know the wife me every information. of a reviewer's second cousin, it’s some- “Yes,” he said, in answer to my ques- thing! Do get me a good notice from the tions, “ our establishment is quite full, and critics———” we have had to refuse a lar e number of applicants. - meme: R 10; ~ x ul, tte generally able to detect them. fe di & This Shimal is ve find, indeed, that the only work of fiction Let me get at him! Ah! you miserable written by one of those who had gained| he is always Gast Xslee auld cur, you craven coward of a contemptible admittance was a forged bank-note, and T i$ vou Lt clique, you selfish and sordid sca- that another’s claim to te be relieved as A —— = Se bd ie — a distressed poet cones on the fact of his having written two stanzas in praise of a pocket, and in a twinkling ha poe te it patent medicine, But almost all the cases en the lady’s mouth. “A are genuine.’ open the door of a spaeious hall, “is our | Ma’am,” he said, quietly. a No Eiesetiod “ And do they get on amicably with one | reciting-room.” here, please. ‘And this gentleman’s never another?” I enquired. On a platform at one end, a long-haired | slated any of your books. Run away and “There is some friction at times,” he gentleman was declaiming cantos of blank throw mud, it will relieve your feelings.” admitted. “This morning, for instance, I | verse to an y audience. At the “Wh should she te get mud?” I asked, found a mediwval historian fighting des- sight of us he lently as the parted, having shaken her perately with a decadent novelist, and 1} and storm his lon Sale while he stam fist in my as had to put pepper on their noses before we on the y companion looked at| “Oh!” he replied, “it’s a favourite could get them apart. But let me show you | his watch amusement. Look, there’s a lot of them | round our premises. meneadl as he threw “You've had your ten minutes, | doimg it on the lawn over there.”

An elderly lady came rushing ng. angrily towards me as he spoke. “A eritic!” sh ry but | shrieked. “A reviewer! Where is he? Superintendent drew a ee from his

er

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Jaxvary 22, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. "INTS ON ’UNTING, BY ’ARRY. IF you Lose your Horsk, JUST TELL THE HUNTSMAN TO CATCH IT FOR YOU. “Why, they’re playing ‘ Aunt Sally’!” I exclaimed. “Not exactly; if you will come a bit closer, you will see that the figure is a wax image of a well-known reviewer. Our unsuccessful authors pelt it with mud, and enjoy the amusement hugely. Now and then we let them burn an editor in effigy. And once a week, to give them exercise, they are allowed to hunt a real live pub- lisher across country. They have splendid runs sometimes! ” “ And do they ever catch him?” I asked, apprehensively. “Oh no,” said the Superintendent. “Generally they talk so much as they run that they haven’t breath enough to get near him. And if ever he’s pressed, he’s only got to drop a small royalty or two, and they stop at once to scramble for it.” “Eh, but it’s warrm wark th’ noo,” said a gentleman with sandy whiskers, who had stolen up to us. “And it taks a douce mon, like maself, to deescribe it. Aiblins ye’ve heerd of ma Beets o’ Thrumtochty?” I replied, untruthfully, that it was one of my favourite works, and the Scotchman wept tears of gratitude. “ And it’s maself wad tak a wee drappie o’ whusky to drink yir health,” he sobbed, “gin I’d a bawbee 1’ ma oxter!” “A sad case,” said the Superintendent, as we turned away. “He used to write | kailyard stories, but they went suddenly out of fashion, and the poor fellow hadn’t a penny to buy his ‘bit parritch,’ as he called it, when we took him in.” I thanked him for his information, and prepared to take my departure. As we passed through the house again, I noticed a curious-looking penny-in-the-slot machine Art Master. “ Been to the Millais Show at the R. A. yet?” Genius. “No. Anything good there?” which stood in the hall, and inquired its purpose. “Put in a penny, and you'll see,’ my companion. I did so, and took from the drawer a piece of green paper, on which was pasted what looked like a newspaper-extract. “ By this book,” it read, “the literature of our language is appreciably enriched. Never in all our expersence have we found such profound wisdom, such sparkling humour, such tender pathos united within the compass of a single volume.” “Tt encourages thrift,” the Superin- tendent explained. “ When an inmate has saved a penny from his weekly pocket- money, he can put it in this machine and get an eulogistic review, which makes him happy for a month. He shows it to all the others, and pastes it into a scrap-book Oh! no trouble; delighted to have shown you round. Good morning!” ’ said The latest Social Development. (“The Earl of R-sst-w has joined the C-rt | Theatre Company.” — Morning Gossip of Daily Paper.) The Marquis of Middlesex (playing as Mr. Brentrorp, to Stage anager). I must just run off to the House of Lords to speak on the Cat Tax Question, but Ill certainly be back in g time for the full dress rehearsal. [Exit hurriedly.

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36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Mr. Jenks (who likes Miss Constance). VEVER INDULGED IN FLIRTATION.” ** No CHARIVARL [January 22, 1898. I assure you, Miss Constance, I HAVE Miss Constance (who does not care for Mr. Jenks). ‘‘AH, PERHAPS YOU HAVE NEVER HAD ANY BNCOURAGEMENT !" A BACHELOR UNCLE’S DIARY. Part lV. Saturday.— Hounds met about four miles away. Boys and I started in good time. Overtook my biggest subscriber, Sir Josern Biowrietp. Introduced nephews and Boots. Little wretches ducked their heads by way of greeting, and drop behind us and giggle persistently. Sir Josern turns in his saddle unexpectedly, and catches Tommy grimacing at him, to huge joy of other two boys. Sir J. rides off furious. Shall probably lose his subscrip- tion now. Lent Max my hunting-crop, which he wildly tried to crack. ong catches Tommy’s ear. Lets go a howl like hyena. Intervene to avoid row between them. Arrive meet. Kennel up hounds in coach-house near. Deer-cart irresistible attraction to Tommy and Boots. Max now missing. Am about to order deer to be enlarged, when with terrific “ tow-yowing ” out rushes whole pack from coach-house. Gallop off to see who could have let them out, blowing horn frantically Thought hounds would be in half-dozen parishes before they sobered down again On enquiry, found that Max was culprit. So anxious to look at hounds, that he must needs open door and peep in. Of course, they all bolted out, knocking Max flat on his back, and charging right over him. Max an awful sight, and covered with mud. Shut hounds up again, and return to deer- cart. Enlarge. Fifteen minutes’ law, and then lay on pack. Tommy scuttles down to only jumpable place in first fence, where | Tries again, keeping whole Pony sticks fast half-way pony refuses. field waiting. through fence. using fearful language. through fence. All get over and gallop across next field. Stopped by wire. Tommy aqueezes pony through small opening by side of wire fence, and actually “ pounds” the field. Great joy on his part, mani- All the people kept behind | Man rides against | pony’s hind-quarters, and knocks him clean | | fested in usual puerile manner, thumb to | nose at us. Mysterious sign this, equally | effective to express either derision, tri- umph or scorn. We gallop off to gate on our left, and soon overtake Tommy. His | triumph is short-lived, as next obstacle is | quick-set hedge with big ditch on take-off | side. Tomsy’s pony rolls helplessly in, | leaving boy in ditch, and ohesinn on | riderless. Loose pony crosses Sir Joszru |at next fence, knocking him down with |awful thud. “This is your fault!” shrieks | irate Baronet, as I pass him. Why mine? | Deer turns and runs back almost to where he started from. Finally takes soil in mill- | vond. Whip off hounds and try to secure | deer. Despite my warning, Max, who has | been standing at first fence, fruitlessly | trying to get his pony over all this time, | endeavours to assist in capture. Deer sud- | denly lowers his head, and forwards Max into adjacent cucumber frame. Rush to | the rescue, Max shouting that he is killed. Extract him, and then turn to deer, leav- | ing nephew picking bits of glass out of his hair. Secure deer, and return homewards with Max and Tommy: latter on foot, pony | missing. Will probably kill itself, and I shall have to pay. No sign of Boots. He turns up at 5 p.m., teeth chattering, and very woebegone. Has been in brook. Two loafers accompany him, and demand half- sov. each for dragging pony out of brook. | Pay them. They pocket money, and say they would like to drink my health. Con. sign them to perdition, and threaten po- lice. Hunting too wearing a sport with these boys out. Announce, at dinner, that one of their remaining days with me shall | be spent at Pantomime (cheers), another at British Museum. (Deathlike silence.) Next time my nephews ask them- selves to stay with me, shall tell them to go to—“ Beerits.” A non Lucendo. [The French Government plead “reasons of State ” for not opening the Dreyfus Case.] Once more to a terrible fate Poor Dreyrvs has been relegated, For what are called “ reasons of State,” Which means—reasons that cannot be stated. “Mucn Apo Asovt Noraine.”— The failure of Mr. Carton’s play, The Tree of Knowledge (on the point of being with- drawn from the St. James’s bill), to attract was certainly not due either toany fault in the dialogue, or to any shortcomings in the acting. which is excellent. Miss Appison, Miss Fay Davis, and Mrs. Juiia Nerison in a most difficult part, all admirable. Good also is the small part played by Miss Wintrrep Dotan. The “ character parts,” as played by Messrs. Irvine, SHEt- |ton, Vernon, and Esmonp, are excel- |lent. In Mr. Grorce ALEXANDER’s part there is little scope for light and shade, | the episodical love-making being apparently | thrown in to give the character a domestic- comedy flavour. The “Mrs. Tanqueray” school of drama has had its turn, and the “woman with a past” had better be con- signed to the lumber-room of bye-gone stage-properties, until the time comes when once again she may be rehabilitated, and have a brilliant future before her. It is to be succeeded by a Shakspearian | revival, the title of which exactly describes | the squeamishness that found a scene in Mr. Carton’s play most objectionable, viz., Much Ado About Nothing. and |

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 22, 1898. Martell’s FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. “Itt peculiarly well ada ted oA purposes.”—Lasxcer, 28 March KINAHAN’S LL. AND GLENISLE The Cream of | Cid Irish Whiskies, Geotoh wee Gold. WHISKIES. GUILDFORD STREST, YORK ROAD, LAMBETH, 8.8. ) ONSTIPATION ured. 1/1) and 4/6. Ladies’ and hildren’s Tasteless Lazative. ASCARA - HAWLEY _SAVARESSE’S SANDAL, 4/6. HUNDREDS of THOUSA Bushes in variety. Packing Carriage free for Cash with order 8/- per doz., GO/+ per 108. Ali other Nurser ry Stock carriage forward. Soin POTS From 15/- a doz, Clematis 80,000) from 15 /-doz. N.B.—Sing! Plants are sold af slightly increased prices. CENERAL CATALOCUE ) of Nursery Stock e y produced, containing tome of flustrationa, and full of valuable informs " free on receipt of 3d. for postage.| . Please mention this Paper. ITH & Co., Worcester. MACHIVEN & CAMERON, Lid, EDINBURGH, HAIR HUMOURS Itching, irritated, bleeling, scaly, crusted Sealps, dry, thin, and falling Huir, cleansed, purified, and beautified by warm shampoos with Cuticvra Soar, and ovcasional dress- ings with CuTicusa, greatest of emollients and skin cures. @ticura fae pent. ae depot: F ata a hee Tre Dave «xo One oper a besten, at 8.A. ow Bele Prope Humours, post free GKINGON FIRE 2. Zercos,Smtgnty re, OH! SUSANNAH! IF YOU COUGH USE GERAUDEL’S PASTILLES. Let your lungs be filled with the vapour of Norwegian Pine Tar, which they give off whilst dissolving in the mouth. The efficacy of Pine Tar in al! affections of the Throat and Lungs is well known, the best mode of applying it is by inhalation, and the mouth makes the best inhaler. ALL CHEMISTS SELL THEM. ~~~ ~ mers A Record Feat of Marksmanship. HAS ALONE ft Of all Tobaccos PLAY ER’S- BULL’S EYE of UNIVERSAL FAVOR. Sold é@iiy in 1 os. Packets, dB4 ia 2, 4 dnd 6a. 04 1 1B. Tins, which keep the : Tobacos in Fine Stavking Condition (The Original) HIT THE “APENTA” THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. | Prices: 6d., Is., and Is. 3d. per bottle. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. 260. the Gall., 60s. the Doses. Cash only Rample bet the vipt of P.O. for ds, 4, RICHD. "MATHEWS & CO, % and 2%, pe &T. BLOOMBRURY, WC. Bold by ae otno Meacnan o + tetas not 1 and the Cou on FERINC'S 2, CopENHAGEN CHERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur. PEPSALIA One Saltspoonful with Meals Prevents or Relieves INDIGESTION. From Chemists, &c., is. & 2s. per bottle. THE MOST NUTRITIOUS, — EPPS'S CRATEFUL— COMFORTING CIOOA BREAKFAST—SUPPER. —_—

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Pt eee inaiih, aifeaventaediiieoaen en ae ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON { CHARIVARI— —JaxvaRY 22, 1898. The British M Medical Journal says: “* Benger’s Food’ has by its excellence established a repute. tion of its own.” The London Medical Record says ‘Retained when all other Pex is are re jected, It is in- valual FOOD FOR INVALIDS ano INFANTS WE. erccsrscos snc. THE AGED C. Brandauer & Co’s Circular-Pointed Pens. SEVEN PRIZE MEDALS Pens Write as Smoothly as a Lead Pencil. Neither Seratch nor Spurt, the points being rounded by a special process Assorted Sample Box for 7 stamps from the Works, BIRMINGHAM. ESTABLISHED Needham's , i olishing , ro Paste a et reiie - of > Corn * be a r Piatinotd, bri aoin etd | amy JOSEPH PICKERING & SONS, Sheela. St. George's House, Fastchea Enjoyed by Young and Old. forthe BIRD’S CUSTARD POWDER Provides not onl elicious Custard, but an end- ess variety of a ightful, dainty dishes, NO ECCS! NO TROUBLE! NO RISK! THE WORTHIEST WHISKY OF iT SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. Rich— Mellow— Mature. ya Po é Ff to day. a eer THERE, and wie» ESTAB. OVER Tele YEARS ~20 wrenniiiiias eating PaorrigtTors : PATTISONS, Lro., DisTiLLens, ¢ e T th € Ge nN Ul n e. } } LEITH—BALLINDALLOCH— LONDON. Head Offices—Constitution Street, LEITH “The favourite Cocoa of the day. | Standard of **For nourishment there is nothing superior to be Highest Purity.” found.” Medica/ Magazine. The Lancet. fe nnd hd he ed Ce ee de eo Pet at