Punch 1898-01-15: Vol 114 Iss 2949

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eS! i HF | ii “) | of a great “sporting melodrama, ever. Of not a few pantomimes it may January 15, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 13 THE BABES. Tue Great Drury Lane Annual is in many respects greater than i i said, “ Magnificent, but not comic”; but The Babes in the Wood at Old Drury, where, only a short while since, Druriolanus Maximus was auto- cratic, besides being brilliant as a spectacle, is artistically excel- lent in its scenic effects and in its rare combinations of colour ; while for rollicking nonsensical fun there are at least four ’ is in itself a cleverly-contrived burlesque ” which was, some few years ago, the great attraction of an Autumn season at Drury om The Treasury of Ancient Drury, as well as the parents of Thv Babes, Messrs. Antuur Cotuins and Artatr Sturcess, should profit considerably by this Pantomime, for excellently well have the two Artuurs achieved their “joint Arthurship.” To the and the Racecourse,’ Enter Dan Leno and Herbert Campbell. “The Babes.” indefatigable J. M. Grover, their most energetically-active Right Hand (and Glover) Man (more power to his elbow and biton !), is due all praise for the music which, having cleverly “composed” it, sagaciously “selected” it, and admirably “ ar- ranged” it, he convincingly conducts with arms, legs, head, and eyeglass; now upstanding, while, as a musical Bolus, he directs “the wind” on the stage, ever and anon keeping watchful eyes and ears for the strings, cymbals, and big drum in the orchestra. The Babes themselves, Messrs. Dan Leno and Heapert Camr- | BELL, with the Prince Paragon of Pantomime, Miss Apa | Buancue, all harmoniously working together, have done their very best, and will continue to do it nightly, in order to keep up the well-earned reputation of Old Drury, as the ancient home of genuine English Pantomime. The scenic artists have done wonders. Anything more per- fectly designed and painted than Mr. Henry Empen’s “ Prince’s Gardens” has —_ been equalled, still more rarely (if ever) | e excelled. It is a splendid imen of how great an illusion can be effected on a simple “cloth.” Examine it carefully through a good opera-glass. Then there is the Panorama by beautiful work of scenic art ; the Mushroom Meadow, a quaintly- clever arrangement by Bruce SmirH ; and once again Mr. Henry Empen compels universal applause for his last scene of all, wherein takes place the coronation of the Prince, Apa BLancue, who is united to his blushing Marian, Miss Viotet Rosinson, who, as the bride, appears in “gorgeous” array. This last scene for combination of colour, for original stage contrivances, for grouping on what may be termed “the gangwav,” and for the space ~ ne occupied by the graceful Queen Humming Bird, UTSKY, 4) | Madame Gricotati (as merry as a Grig-olati), and her flying fairies, beats the record even of Drury Lane’s great shows. Dan Leno, as the boy, never appears, speaks, dances, or sings without evoking bursts of uncontrollable laughter ; and his com- anion, Herspert CampBei, as the Babe-sister, is “immense.” he two robbers, Messrs. Grirrin and Dvunom, are equally amusing as actors and acrobats. Ernest D’Avupan ably sus- |tains the ancient name and family reputation for ballet and Be 0? «A.W . capital scenes, of which the last, “The Corner of the Paddock _ pantomime, while in Mr. Jonn A. Wanrpen, as the Baron Ban bury, Mr. Epwarp Terry might any day find an alter ego to |play for him. After the uproarious fun, the most popular inci- dent is a noiseless and exceptionally-graceful dance by the Prince and his future bride, for which Miss Ropinsonw and Miss Apa Biancue could obtain a triple encore any night they may have time to take it. From beginning to end, for grand spectacle, artistic effects, and capital fun, the Babes at Drury Lane take the Twelfth Night cake, and behave themselves so admirably that it is impossible to beat them. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tere are few men more capable than Dr. Grorncr Smita of doing justice to the task he has set himself in sketching the lives and accomplishments of T'welve Indian Statesmen (Joun Murray). |The muster roll is a blazon of honour: Caaries Grant, Sir | Henry Lawrence, Lord Lawrence, Sir James Ovurram, Sir | Donatp M‘Lzop, Sir Henry Duranp, Couun Macxenzin, Sir Herpert Epwarpes, Joun Crank Marsuman, Sir Henry Marne, Sir Henry Ramsay, and Sir Cuarues Arrcuison. Of the dozen, | Dr. Sarr, himself a distinguished Anglo-Indian, knew all save one, counting some as intimate friends. With the double advan- tage of personal acquaintance, and of familiarity with social life | and political events in India, Dr. Sura is able to re-illumine the ‘brilliant pathway of these noble lives. The twelve chapters | compose a fascinating study of what may be done by the English. |man abroad. My Baronite uses that term for the sake of con- \venience. As Dr. Smirn sets forth in a striking passage, Great | Britain and Ireland have been thoroughly united in buildin up | the Empire of India. Crive and Warren Hastines we ng- | lish ; Lord Minto, the Marquis of Hastinos, and Lord DaLnovsix | were Scotch; Ireland hel to make the Quemn Empress of | India by giving birth to the Marquis of Wetiesiey, and to the | heroic trio of Lawrences—Gerorcsz, Henry, and Jonn. I am the fortunate possessor of a copy of The Story of Marl- borough, illustrated by Caran p’AcHE i . Grevet & Co.), with | deseriptive text by the Hon. Frances Wotrsetey. This work |4s, I hope, unique, as being so, it will be, in years to come, prvalestbe. The particular copy that now lies open before me is a Topsy-Turvily-bound book! That is, the cover is perfectly and symmetrically correct; but, open it,—and I find that the last page is the first, and the whole story of MaRLBorovcn is up- side down! Never was there such a thorough upset of history. Let us, however, get it right side up, and then, without gymnastics, the Baron can duly read the letterpress and admire the pictures, which, with the exception of some of the eccentric ones, will somewhat disappoint the admirers of Caran p’Aocng, though even these friendly critics will wish that this artist had not attempted an imitation of Dorsz, after the man- ner of his Contes Drélatiques peculiarities. The story of Mariporoven is of course something extraordinary, but ’tis nothing to the tail of Martsoroven’s horse, as shown in the frontispiece, where “Malbrouk sen va-ten guerre” and is evidently receiving an ovation. The series finishes yy with little figures in black and y marching in the funeral | procession of the t Duke, “ qui, enfin, ne reviendra pas.” Animal Land (Dent & Co.), by Sysrt and KaTHaRine Corser, with an introduction by Mr. Anprew Lana, is a delightful non- sense-picture book, exhibiting the creative faculty of the juvenile author who, Mr. Lane tells us, is only a oe = ! Certainly she is the winner of the Nursery Stakes, is Sybil-line book | has already inspired our Prehistoric Artist. Tue Baron ve B..W. Mescat Intoxication.—A writer in the Contemporary Review describes his sensations when under the influence of the Mexican drug, produced from the Anhalonium Lewinii cactus, originally discovered by a German professor. The English experimenter saw a wonderful variety gorgeous visions, ending with human figures “ fantastic and Chinese in character.” Is it possible that another German, much more exalted than the professor, habitu- ally eats this Mexican haschisch, with results precisely similar ? Or is the Anhalonium Lewinii a different plant, though of the same family as the Anhalonium Wilhelmii superbissimi ? vor XIV. vw , wed

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“4 - iain . GERD) ret eA ; fan Ya SARANGI x Z fee f we ‘ \ - ‘ \* . Ys AY SON Na Ii - » Se R\ ‘a \ \. \3 ee 2. 2 —s My fb ee j stae® at R\) ‘ \\ pp a las i ‘ : \\ t Se Vp SNOW : \ \ sotto voce). “‘UmM—nAa! WIrH gust A FEW MAKE A FIRST-RATE Emperor or Curva!” \* Us N\\\ S SY i) ~ ~ . 2 y, . GHAI ES = on Sey d ~ Gi ee (/4//7 A NEW ROLE LONDON CHARIVARI Un Voyage en Chine,” 7 l= Z Za \\a antl THE OR PUNCH, who has cast himself for a leading part in “ : i PANY K\\\ DW =-™ . ~~. SoS QO a. ADDITIONAL TOUCHES HERE AND THERE, I SHALL Manayer-Actor ( \ ‘ Imperial -

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART JanvanY 15, cos fl | ' I s% (WT fi oH ! if iil esa —=S Aunt Agatha. 1OE, THAT'S ENTIRELY GONE OUT, Viole, “On, WHY ‘*T THINK IT SUCH A PITY WHEN OLD CUSTOMS DIE OUT. 7 HONOURED Now, HASN'T IT, VIOLET?” OF COURSE—HOW SHOULD I KNow ? OF COURSE IT HAS, AUNTIE. iN THE BREACH ? THE OLD Custom or KissiNG UNDER THE MISTLE- WHAT A STUPID QUESTION TO ASK !” THE YORK DILEMMA; Or, How unhappy could I be with either ! Pity us democrats that stand With soul divided, sore in doubt, Between a bloated Tory and A Liberal locker-out ! LUDWIG IN LONDON, A Sropprne, | HicHwEeLLporN Mister Over-News- paPeRs-DirnektTor,—After i the two and twenty Glas Bier in the Railstationrestora- tion to Dover drinked had, slieped i in the Waitsaloon until to the last Passagiertrain towards Londonbritsch awaytravelled was. The englisch Bier is stronger as the german. Then musted i the Neit in one Hotel tobring. Mein Package is towards London goed, andi have only, in one Sack, Washs, Clothingbits and Littlenesss,— W dische, Kleidungsstiicke und Kleinigkeite. I go also in the Hotel againstover the Railstation, and i say to the Maiden im the Cash, Cassa, “Gud Evening. I wish one gud Slieproom in the first Stick.” That ave i before in mein Wordbook finded. She see me all astounded at. Then kom the Portier, who reit gud German spiek, because he German is. Later say man to me that all the Waiters Germans are. That rejoice me. It are no englisch Waiters in the Fatherland. Ach nein! The german Waiter is cleverer as the Englandman, and he spiek Englisch often better as i. has to me often sayed that it im London many german Friseurs, who the Hair: mutch better as the englisch Freezers cut, are. Ach so! “ Deutschland, Deutschlana iiber alles!” The Eveningeat in the Foodsaloon, Speisesaal, is very gud, I eat very willing, i drink after yet seven Glas Bier, i smoke four Cigars, and then go i to Bed. Wa: fiir ein Bett! ‘The Room is bequem, and elegant furnitured, with electrical Lighting, but it is no Oven the srein, and the Steinkoh. burn in one Hole in the Wall. Ach, wi dumm! But the Bed! No Fethercovei over the Foots, no sloping Polster unde: the Hed. Only one little Fethercushion, with one hard, round Cushion under. What for one Land, where man in such Beds sliep must, if man sliep kan! Morningearly see i the Window out The Sun shine. She shine then in England in the Winter. Wunderbar! I am hungry, i will something eat. I haste towards the Foodsaloon forth. What drink man hier Mornings? T'hee mit Rum, ohne Zweifel. That kani not. Nein, man trinkt Kaffee. Also drink i Koffee. And man eat Flesh, Ham and Sausages. I must one Sausage eat. She taste not gud; she is not as in the Fatherland. Then wisch i in order the Town to see outtogo. She is despisable, the Striets are very narrow, i go to foot roundabout, i see Nothings interesting, and i am in the In- tention backtoturn, when i too Soldiers of Man | the little englisch Army, who Walkingsticks ar see. Ach, wie licherlich! Are these Walkingsticks the Weapons of the little Army? Why not Umbrellas? They were usefuller in the englisch Klimate. The officers carry perhaps the Umbrellas. So — something New in Dover seed. Ja, "ahter the Walkgo am i very hu is eleven Clock. wish the secon = bit, das zweite Friihstiick, the las ll lunch, to eat. Man bring me Calfs-cote- letts and Beafstek. They are very gud. I eat myself full thereon, and I drink six Glas Bier. Nau smoke i one Pair Cigars before i in the Railstation go. Permit your “yer ee the Insurance of the completest Highattention with witch i me undersein, Your Highwellborn’s humblest, Lupwiae. HERR TROJAN, PROSIT! aay —_ okers, you safely laugh Kaiser Wy ILHELM, no longer jung, Pe go unpunished, although your chaff Must be Majestdtsbeleidigung. Jeer more than ever at WitueLm, who Is always a lachenswerter Mann, Yet if folks laugh, as he makes them do, They have to suffer like Herr Trosay. And pity this hero who gets it hot For making fun of the Empereur, A Trojan who beats all A‘neas’s lot, Der Kladderadatschische Redakteur.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ScENE— As above. Stout Party (about to leave). Cundid Friend. ‘Most EXTR'ORDINARY THING. ‘THEN, FOR coopnEss’ sake, @O Homes ar oncg!” [January 15, 1898. Z WYLL J ¥, be 4d Dy Sk Tf, c. SP 7 Tie Lamwmppgyy dhl A Timze—Mid-day. ' i: ae As, Y a Sport—None up to now. Wuenever I co Homsz, THEY ALWAYS HAVE A RATTLING Goop Run A BACHELOR UNCLE’S DIARY. Parr Ill. Friday.—Fearful shrieks from bath-room about 7 a.m. arouse me from troubled slum- bers. Hurry on dressing-gown and rush to landing. Boys (invalid included) squab- bling for what they vulgarly call “ first go” at bath. Pacify them, and ask, “ What does it matter who goes first?” Tommy says, “Oh! it don’t matter, of course. We were only having a bit of a row, just for the lark of the thing, you know, uncle.” Fail to grasp the idea, and retire to dress. At breakfast, Max eats four eggs, cutlet, and three sausages, winding up with, first marmalade, and then jam 300Ts takes half cup of tea, and nibbles some dry toast. My keeper arrives at ten. Draws me aside and says, “ Surelie, Sir, you ain't a-goin’ to jet them young gents ‘ave guns?” Awful sense of responsibility upon me increases. Say feebly, “Well, what else can I do?” Rossins merely scratches his head. So stupid of him. Why doesn’t he suggest something?’ I say to boys, “Suppose you come and watch me shoot ? I hardly think you ought to be trusted P with guns.” Indignant chorus and assur- ances that they had shot all their lives. This at fourteen and fifteen years of age respectively! What am I to do? Com- promise by saying I can only spare one gun, and they must use it in turn. This will at least minimise chance of co- roner’s inquest. Max, as senior, carries gun, to start with. Keep furtive eye on | him as we walk across fields to first bank. | Ferret put in. Anxious expectancy. Out goes rabbit. Max pulls trigger. No result. “Dashed if I haven’t forgot to load the beastly thing!” he says. Great clamour of other pair as to whether this is, or is not, Max’s “shot.” They contend he ought to give up gun to them. I adjudi- cate, and decide in Max's favour, on ground that you can’t have a “shot” with empty gun. Adjust cartridges for him. Ferret in again. Scuffling heard. Out bolts another rabbit, closely followed by ferret to mouth of hole. Max blazes both barrels. Rabbit untouched, but ferret killed on spot. Ropsins very glum. Looks reproachfully at me. Whyme’ “I told you ‘ow it’d be, Sir.” This assertion distinctly untrue. He never said a word about shooting ferret. Tomy takes next shot, and misses next rabbit. Stray pellet hits Pincher, who does record journey to the house, howling. After Boors has also fruitlessly expended a cartridge, narrowly missing the under-keeper, suggest ad- journing to the barn for rat-hunt. Feel happier when boys only armed with sticks. ‘ass rest of morning killing rats. In course of afternoon, hire ponies for boys to hunt on next day. With exception of Boots taking my pet Alderney familiarly by the tail, and getting kicked over for his pains, rest of day passes peacefully. After dinner attempt some “improving” conversation on English literature, but resign when trio |inform me that “ Mayne Rew’s all right, | but that Saaxspzare’s a bit of an ass.” A DAILY (NEWS) WANT. Says an advertisement in the Daily News: “First-class all round journalist wants change.” Doubtless. The condition is one not unfamiliar to us all. But why this prominence given to an individual case? And why, since it appears so urgent, does not the first-class al round (what is his precise girth?) journalist state exactly the amount of change he wants, and, as the bland counter-clerk says when you are changing a cheque, how will he take it ? “J’Y SUIS, J’Y RESTE.” Dear Mr. Puncu,—I must confess to an infinite admiration for the Sublime Shadow of Constantinople. He has done nothing, he means to do nothing, and nothing will force him to do anything. Now he has considerately ordered four new ironciads, though rather “ put to it” for the salaries of his ambassadors abroad. This spectacle fills me with intense respect for his methods without means. His Majesty may learn that he has one fervent admirer (besides Sir E. A.-B. and Cap’en T. B.) in Your obedient servant, Horatio NAREDOWHEEL. (Late Col. Hampstead Heath Rangers.) Ramshackle Lodge, Sheepwash-on-Sea. Not a Mmrtrary Man —General Dealer.

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Jasvary 15, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 17 LETTERS TO THE CELEBRATED.) No. VIL—To rue Marquis or SaLissury. My Lozp,—In moments of de jon it has sometimes occurred to me to as to whe’ you really exist. Is there, in | truth, such a person as the ind variously conceives the | present Marquis of Satispury to be, and is this in hi actual corporeal existence at this moment Prime Minister and Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs? Is it possible, I say to myself, that a’real living man can be at once vigorous and feeble, determined ahd vacillating, cautious and blazingly indiscreet, a man of affairs and a devotee of science, a public speaker of merit and a shrinking recluse, the chief of a turbulent democracy and a cynic steepéd in aristocratic prejudices, a patriot minister and | a craven conceder of his country’s just rights? No, the combina- tion seems impossible; all these contradictions stagger me, and | I find myseif driven to the verge of believing that the speakers | and statesmen of both our great parties have invented, each for | than countenance the passing of a bill for electoral reform, who | force of circumstances, his Own purpose, a convenient figure, a variable avatar, and have labelled it with a noble name so that they may have some definite | object for ther hopes, their fears, their admirations, or their dislikes. In support of this theory, a man might bly allege that, of late, at any rate, your personal influence made itselt but little felt either in the councils of the great powers of Europe or in those of the Uniomst party. The Lord SaLispury of whom Radical speakers declare that he is an unbending representative of the highest and driest and least popular principles of musty Toryism, who, as Lord Roagrr Cercit, resigned his office rather is, if ome may use the phrase, red in tooth and claw with the life-blood of Liberal measures—how, in any case, can this be the | Lord Sauissury who follows submissively in the wake of Mr. | JosePa CHAMBERI AIN, and alienates Lord LonpoNDERRY by carry- | ing an Employers’ Liability Act safely through the storms oi | the House of Lords? Can we recognise in the man who | threatens the Suttan with the vengeance of Heaven, but shrinks | from enforcing the spiritual menace by a fleet of warships, that stern opponent of autocratic ambicion who helped to restore the | tottering power of the Turk, and wrested Peace with Honour from the embattled legions of the Russian Czar ? I might pursue this antithetical path much longer, but I re- frain. For after all, if you embody many contradictions, it is | only because, in spite of your rugged speech and leonine appear- | ance, you are more frankly human than most of those who a or who criticise you. Nature moulded you to be a man of it, slow, critical, deliberate, and careful. The tyrannous coupled with your own high and chival | Tous sense of all that a great name and high position required of | a man, has driven you out on a tempestuous career, in which | constant perils demand swift resolution and undaunted action. | The time is out of joint: that much you feel and know, but | you feel with a more assured certainty that the spite is indeed a cursed one which has laid upon you of all men the heavy burden | of setting it right. Leave it alone, you murmur to yourself ; | touch it with care, you say in some Primrose League oration, and | ing, and dovetailing and cutting away like any journeyman suddenly, lo and behold, you find yourself tinkering, and hammer- carpenter of the rest of them, but without the journeyman carpenter’s conviction that his work will improve instead of utterly destroying. Thus your malignant fate, working even more effectively than your own honourable ambition to serve your country, has made you the chief of the Conservative party at a time when most of those who act with it seem to have de- termined that there is but little in the constitution and govern- | ment of the State that is worthy of conservation. Occasionally you blaze forth into an outspoken revolt — yourself and them, and during the days that succeed columns of the newspapers that support your ~~ = with denials, attenua- | tions and explanations, while on platform after platform sorely- | perplexed Conservative orators cover the black patches of your | speech each with his own i coat of whitewash. It is an | amusing spectacle, and not least amusing, I take it, to you, if | ever in the pleasant retirement of Hatfield or amid the anxious | work of the Foreign Office you trouble yourself to give another | thought to the matter. And in any case it must have been a relief to you to liberate your soul, whatever may be the conse- quences, and to strike a panic into the despised minds of those whose thoughts are bent on the retention or on the acquisition, quocunque modo, of votes and voters. Whether or not a political party is best served by such a leader may be left to others to determine. It is idle to deny | that, now that politics knuw Mr. Giapstong no longer, you are by far the most interesting figure in public life. You puzzle, you surprise, you startle. Those who hear you or read your | which must be wrought at best with imperfect instruments, and a” HUMANITY’S BEST FRIEND. Sartorial Artist, “‘THose WILL BE ALL THE MEASUREMENTS | SHALL REQUIRE, Sizn,“THANK You. AND NOW WSAT, SORT OF SHOULDERS WOULD YOU PREFER? I SHOULD_RECOMMEND THE MILITARY SHOUL- DER TO MATCH THE Movstacue !” speeches are forced to think. You do not j with words, nor do you bandy empty compliments. Your thoughts and the words in which you express are no mere pale reflection of the minds of others. y are your own, instinct with a definite personality, and they are more often than not unexpected. For the actions that follow on these words and often give them a flat denial, you are not wholly responsible, for when the time for action comes, others assert themselves, and fortunately or un- a | fortunately impede you. And it may be that to you action is merely a choice of evils, a process far less important than the utterance of an honest personal conviction. “Thinking a thing,” | as James Russert Lows. says in one of his essays, “ becomes better than doing it, and thought with its easy perfection, capable of everything use it can accomplish everything with ideal means, is vastly more attractive and satisfactory than deed always falls short of the conception that went before it.” ot I conclude, my Lord, by peer many years of undi- | minished activity. For it is well that our political life should still have power to attract men of ancient and of high | and unblemished character. You have known what it means to | struggle in early days against adversity, and you have fought your way to the great ition you occupy by sheer force of | intellect and energy. hatever may be your choice, whether you contimue to devote your powers to the public service or seek count upon the high respect of your fellow-countrymen, even of those amongst them who have most strenuously opposed you. lam, my Lord, always faithfully yours, | a well-earned rest from the labours of the State, you can always | Tue Vacrant. Crarinc Cross at Nicnt.—“The finest site in Europe.” Can't see anything of it, with one’s eyes dazzled by the hypnotic illuminated advertisements of somebody’s soap, somebody's soup, and somebody’s snapshooter. ¥ ‘

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«A vi [January 15, 1898. ‘My Harr wu Dye! 18 GETTING QUITE GREY, AND WILL REMAIN 80 AS LONG As I LIVE.” “WELL, YOU KNOW, DEAR, YOU CAN ALWAYS MAKE IT REMAIN BLONDE AS LONG AS SPORTIVE SONGS. A Sentimental Rhymster espies an early Bud in his Parterre, and is reasonably disappointed, I see a little bud to-day That fills me with delight, Fair as the blooms of later May That scent the Summer night, A little bud of smallest w That rises from its bed All pushed aside the leaf-strewn earth To which its root was wed! A little bud, but still the first To point its little way, All eager, hungry and athirst, To taste the joy of day! All venturesome its aa to cleave And this great world to know ; Restless its mother-mould to leave, Not recking ice or snow! Perchance it might the cold withstand, And blossom into flower, Or perish ‘neath the ruthless hand, Of some grim hail-stone shower! Only a snowdrop to recall Your message of To be, That token of the After All That made the Past for me! For you were Snowdrop in the Past Before the Springtime came, When skies were dull and overcast, "Twas then I gave your name! I watched your tenderness arise Amid the arid land, You heeded not the loving eyes You could not understand. But yet I send this bud to you In token of those days, Before I’d bidden long adieu To victory and bays. This little bud I’d ask you wear In proof of Love not dead! I pluck it. Horror! I declare Tis but a crocus head! Suockine OccURRENCE IN THE LECTURE- | | Room oF THE Society or Arts.—Dr. Raw- | say on “ Fire”! _ THE BITTER CRY OF THE MINOR POET. [** Mr. Le GALLIENN»’s proposal that millionaires should endow genuine poets, and so obtain im- mortality seems, as yet, to have elicited no adequate response.” — The Minstrel Advertiser.) Wuenn’szn I walk the public ways, How many that lack ablution Do probe my with pensive gaze, And beg a trivial contribution | When they accost me as “ My Lord,” And pray that Heaven may guard my going, j It cuts my vitals like asword _ To check my charity from flowing ; To them by as though my ear ad missed their genial observations, And subsequently in the rear To catch a stream of mprecations. Perchance not all of these were born To crave the desultory copper ; They were not ever thus forlorn, But came a paralyzing cropper. Haply beneath those rude outsides, In substance scant, in texture scaly, Some mute inglorious Barnum hides, Or else an undeveloped Batey. But sadder still it is to see, Advancing down the gutter’s hollow, Some sandwichman that used to be Closely connected with Apollo! Where now from shoulders slightly wrung You note the blatant boards suspended, In front—the living lyre was slung, Behind—the lustrous mane descended ! Within that mane the birds of song Would build their nests and lightly What time the owner moved along In beauteous velveteen apparel. Long since he sold his sounding lyre, Pruned all his locks and pawned his raiment ; He works for mere ignoble hire Because it offers ampler payment. The speaking eye, the godlike brow, That lips should lave and bosoms | cherish— We trample on them, we allow These priceless things to go and perish ! | The nations’ hides are very hard ; You ask a trifle nett—they grudge it ; You scarcely ever hear a Bard So much as mentioned in a Budget. Sweet millionaires! your chance is come ; Yours is the duty and you know it; Surely your hearts within you hum To reconstruct the starving Poet! O Txomas Lipton, gallant Knight! (Your health in fragrant tea and fruity !) How can you sin against the light Who paid the champion cheque for Duty? O Hootgr! as you hope to win An Earldom with the Garter tied on, Come, make a paltry puncture in Your swollen wealth of tyre and Sidon! Sell those ancestral halls and let Big syndicates of Song be floated ; And, by a touch of humour, get The Stock Exchange to have ‘em quoted ! ‘NVAKVAIHO 19agduvo NOVIUN NAALXIS AMOAId slaq ANd GATHONVM OHA» erearriryge oa wwe ON ee lr

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a4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 15, 1898. N . $s ‘ SS es NS SS Ss ee lal shi LL LALA SA . xy Oy, ‘ SY x = \ = WW | iT i) i N y \ im \\ Suu P | \ ———— SS \ / WAIN St A GAME OF SPECULATION. Curmvaman. ‘‘WHO WANCHEE BUY DIS PIECEE SIXTEEN MILLION CARDEE? NO SPEAKEE ALLEE SAME TIME!!”

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January 15, 1898.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21 THE FASHIONS FOR 1898. ‘*Muzzies! THEY ARE RATHER A BOTHER. BUT THEN, WHAT CAN you po? Every ONE WEARS THEM. I HEARD My OLD LADY | SAY HERS WAS A GREAT PROTECTION IN CoLD WEATHER TOO!” THE COAL-SCUTTLE EPOCH. (Quite the Lates. Fashion in Romance.) CuapTer>XLIX. } . . . . By this time the extinction of human life was well-nigh complete. By some strange freak the vitality of our race had been transferred to one of the commonest of domestic utensils. There had been some warnings of this catastrophe for many generations, but foolish mankind had failed to notice them. Thus, of all his servants, the coal-scuttle had _— the clearest signs of resisting man’s rule. It had refused to perform its duties, at times it would cover the carpet with coal, at others it consumed all the coal itself and was found to be absolutely empty when it had been filled but a short time previously. About the year 1900 its unsuspected vitality became less dor- mant, and several powerful coal-scuttles began to throw their contents at their masters’ heads. Gradually man became weaker and weaker, and the Coalscuttlians stronger and stronger. By the year 1950 they had become practically the masters of the World. A century earlier, certain scientists had predicted that the supply of coal would shortly come to an end. But this was obviate « the metamorphic irradiation on the lithosphere con- verting, or, rather, reducing the carbonifera to an oxyhydro- phospormetasulphate. (Yah, you wretched reader, that ’ll puzzle you!—Author’s marginal note.) Of course this simple and ele- mentary result had been overlooked. But as the student of the modern scientific romance, who likes this kind of detail, will readily understand, the natural sequence of events had helped to bring about the overthrow of man, and the supremacy of the terrible Coalscuttlians became complete, owing to the profound . . 2x2 242 scientific truth that - =-—=4 l gi Cuaprer L. . . . . Wearrep and exhausted I flung myself down upon the deserted plain of Hampstead Heath. As far as my sight reach | Coalscuttlian | swiftly contracted, up flew the wretc | and vanished into the interior of his outer, With a shudder I there was no sign of human life. The death-like silence was onl broken by the strange hissing sound as, far above m gigantic coal-scuttles rushed t gh the air. In the nt of each gleamed a brilliant search-light. Each seemed to have three elastic tentacles terminating in a scoop, which it trailed slong the ground as if seeking for its prey. Once a dreadful shrie thril ——— the air, and a hundred yards from me I saw a ad shovelled up an py man. The tentacle victim through the air crawled stealthily into the shelter of a berry bush. ... . | Several hours passed away. Sometimes a slimy tentacle came close to my face, and a shovel seemed to be digging at the roots (of the bramble. But fortunately they were strong, and with | an awful whistle the baffled Coalscuttlian passed elsewhere. As the evening came on, the glare of the search-lights became brighter. Occasionally a shower of coal fell upon my head. At last, impelled by hunger, I determined to make a rush for London trusting that I might find other human beings there. But I had scarce left my shelter when I stopped aghast. There, straight before my eyes, where London had latel stood, was a gigantic black mountain, towering to the skies. In a moment the dread- ful truth flashed across my mind. all-conquering Coal- seuttlians had buried the entire city under an enormous hill of best Wallsend! . . . . [Author’s note to the Editor.—That ought to thrill your readers enough for the present. But I’ve got plenty of horrors left for the other chapters, which will appear zach month for a year or so in your magazine, Nothing like the scientific-shocker to raise your circulation nowadays !]} ** Ars est celare Artem.” Poor Relation (to rich Aunt). Now, Auntie, dear, we want you to come and dine with us on Thursday. Rich Aunt. Oh, my dear, I’m afraid it is impossible—— Poor R. Don’t say that! Crarxre will be so disappointed |! Rich A. I’m very sorry, but I’m engaged to dine with the Smits on Thursday. Poor R. (off her guard). Oh, yes; so I heard! SANDY MACPARTINCTON AND THE “ ENCLISH” FLOOD. A petition si by 104,388 Scottish le has been presented to the elale inst the = of the words “ Eng ” and “English” as repre- ed senting Great Britain.—See Standard, December 30.) . men See

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 15, 1898.

MR. PUNCH’S “ANIMAL LAND.” With acknowledym_nts to ‘* Sybil and Katharine Corbet’s”’ recently-published book, 77 Pa eo’ 44727 » = —— This Finimal is a cartion It gets the dest This Animal lives ix a Resess in the Gorest and of tt. It likes te live in het a anS fas eats Orkids and “Prim roses. When ere ¢«s a nast det It b t to ao th bey resisses anf thi $ abort e chuckles. — —— wa penned ©. It es better a — ws has a Party bet Dapeng cleeks, an voats of Censure Karta: en i, ra asd 1, “Se $ uw is ~ve claer an has no ennemieS“Gut & | ment’ afte the mv egeek an — - comes sempl Wont. ys , * D ef

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PUNCH, me SHS Someone's Hat blows off. Shortsighted Old Gent (excitedly). ‘‘H1! “1! ONDON CHARIVARI, 23 Yorcks ! Gone Awa-a-y!!” THE L. C. C. VOTER’S VADE MECUM. | Question. You know that there is to be | an election of the L. C. C. in the course of 1 week or so? Answer. Yes; I have seen something | concerning jt in the papers. _ Q. Do you know anything further about it? A. No; but I suppose I shall be en- lightened by canvassers and leaflets before the polling day is reached. Q. But do you not think it your duty as a citizen to take an interest in the matter ? A. Scarcely ; because I am satisfied that the dust-hole is regularly cleared weekly, and we have plenty of water. Q. But are you not aware that the L. C. C. have nothing directly to do with either household dust or household water ? A. Very likely not; but I really do not care, either way. _Q. Do you not know that the beautifica- tion of London is practically in the hands of the L. C. C.? A. Very possibly; but I only interest myself in my own Terrace, and that is not likely to be improved yet awhile. Q. But I suppose you will listen to those oe desire to instruct you before the elec- ion f A. Certainly, with the greatest courtesy and patience. Q. And when the polling day is reached, what will you do? A. Why, act upon precedent, and forget all about it! At tue Fancy Dress Batt. She. “ You won’t be long?” He. “No. smoke.” I’m going down stairs just to have a Lieguts acrostics. THAT OFTEN Fart.— Those in AFTER YULE-TIDE. (Mems. from a Note-book,) Sre that the holly and mistletoe, which have become dustier and dustier, are re- moved from my study without the dis- turbance of my papers. Write a line to the boys’ school pointing out the mcreased charge for stationery. Get my wife to go through the Christ- mas cards with the view to ascertaining whether any of them, with the assistance of a piece of india-rubber, can be used for next Christmas. Examine my banker’s pass-book to dis- cover whether my standing orders to pay subscriptions for clubs, &c., has landed my ‘redit account with an entry on the wrong side. Knock off answers to “hearty good wishes for the New Year,” with suitable excuses for delay in reply. Lastly, send for the doctor to set matters right in re my gout caused by port and champagne, and chronic indigestion, the outcome of mince-pies and plum-pudding. WELL, To pe Sewer !—The City Commis- sion of Sewers, a body which has been in sxistence for 230 years, has now come to in end, not because its resources have been drained, on the contrary, it has always been very flush of ital, but it has now been thought advisable to make a clean sweep of the authority and incorporate it in the Public Health Department. | | | "

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THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 15, 1898. WZ Y4-” jj PROWESS. Young Farmer (after trying whin bushes for a rabbit, to Cockney Friend out for his first shoot), “*Hetto! En! Waar! Why, vou ’vE sHo1 A Fox!” Cockney Friend. ‘Ou, come, I sy! Why, you pipy’t THINK 1 WAs such A DUFFER AS TO MISS A GRITE BIG BEGGAR LIKE THAT!” STUDIES IN NOT TOO PLAIN GEOMETRY. (By Z. Y. X.) Proposition L. make both ends meet, each to each, when a Parson receives a vanishing sub-multiple of his tithes, and is inversely rated on his professional income, PROBLEM. To Let A be the given parson, P the given tithe-payer, and LSD the given finite tithe, which, as a matter of fact, is never given. | but is generally bisected, and sometimes not produced at all: it is required to continue A in the same circle, that is, to make both ends meet. Because A is the centre of a circle, which may be of any magni- | tude, [ Postulate 4. | And P is a point within this circle, from which the given finite tithe LSD may (with great difficulty) be drawn; [ Aziom 13. It will be found that LSD is successively bisected, and produced | ever so far both ways, but not in the direction of A; | But, since the part is less than the whole, [Axiom 9. Any number of lines may be drawn from A without touching P. { Hypothesis. And one only of these, SAD, will produce SD, the lesser part of the tithe LSD. Consequently, SD only will pass through A ; which is absurd. Therefore A cannot continue in the same circle ; | For it has been shown that A is not equal to it ; Otherwise both ends would meet, each to each, which is im- possible. [ Ariom 15. \W herefore, the problem given above has not been solved. Q.8.F. { Note.—Each £100 of tithe yields for 1898 only £68 14s. 11d.] MAJESTARTSBELEIDIGUNG.— The brave Editor of our German contemporary, Aladderadatsch, is accused of this monstrous offence, and will probably be punished with barbarous severity by the Sacred Kaiser. hat a pity there is not also the offence of Humanitétsbeleidigung, for which some punishment could be uwarded to this Imperial buffoon. OUR BOYS. WHAT TO DO WITH THEM? Dear Mr. Puncu,—I am sure you will open your sympa- thetic columns to the despair of a father who is left with three marriageable but unmarried sons on his hands. What is to be- come of them? Listen to my story, and then, if you can, wonder that I complain. Knowing that my boys would be left without a competence, and unwil to trust them to the uncertain chances of matri- mony, I decided to give them such a training as would fit them to find for themselves. JoHNNiE, my eldest, would be a bar- rister. I shuddered at the expense, but the poor boy was bent on it, and there was just a ane that he might become devil to Miss S——, the great Q.C., in which case I was not without that his pretty ways and winning smile might bring him an offer of marriage. Delusion fond! It was a father’s dream! Miss S——— took in a niece of her own, and poor JoHNn1Eg, after waiting years for the briefs that never came, had to give up the Bar. e now teaches in a Kindergarten, where he lectures the infants on conchology, and gives practical demonstrations on the shell of a periwinkle. Tom, my second, was all for surgery. I knew it was madness for a boy to enter what is par excellence a woman’s profession, but he would not listen to my reasons. Failure, in his case, was | a foregone conclusion, and it is perhaps surprising that he keeps himself in hats and gloves by nursing a cantankerous old lady. Puitir, my youngest, was always a domesticated boy, and showed no desire for a learned profession. This gave me no small relief, and as Oxford and Bart’s had run away with so much money, and done so little for my eldest sons, I determined to send Pur to the Board School. Here he had a brilliant career, taking numerous prizes in cookery and laundry-work. As soon as he left school, he obtained a situation as “ General,” and |at the present moment he is enjoying what in these days is a | sinecure as gentleman’s help in a country vicarage. He cooks, cleans the boots, and does the housework for the family and paying guests; baths the babies and tutors the children when not otherwise engaged. In return for this he gets a Christian home, and half-a-crown a week. Now, Mr. Punch, I ask you, what are we to do with our sons? | The overcrowding of the professions is an old, old stery. Women | |company, is a pity. won’t marry—our boys remain bachelors. What else is left? Domestic service? I have tried it, and after my experience, I put it to you, Sir, can it be recommended ? Yours despairingly, PATERFAMILIAS. “OQ TEMPORA! O MORES!” {** The ‘ Moody Manners Opera Company Limited ’ has just been registered with a capital of £3000,” &c., &e.—Daily Paper.) Excettent! “Moody manners” should always be strictly limited in company. But is this a company for limiting “ moody manners,” or does Moopy Manners wish, as his name suggests, to limit his company? If the former, it is a magnum opus, and needs a company accustomed to such weighty opera. This seems to exclude light Opera, which, considering the purpose of the i Perhaps, however, it is not all “ moody manners” that are to be limited; but only manners of some moods—imperative manners, for instance, or manners indicative of bad breeding. Even so, the present company has a future | before it in helping to make the imperfect perfect, so that public interest in its moods would be in-tense. It is to be hoped no shares will be issued to the public, in order to avoid increasing the numbers who already have a share of “ moody manners.” They should be kept as far as possible in one Hand, at any rate until the company can feel its feet. It must be pointed out that limited liability in this connection is no new idea, for in Mr. Punch’s company the liability to “ moody manners ” has always been extremely limited, in fact non-existent. To se Let on Lease.—Some valuable properties on the sea- coast. Fine marine views. Good boating. No restrictions on building. No licence required for sale of beer. Tenants can terminate lease at any time. Rents extremely moderate. Tenants’ fixtures taken at their own valuation on expiration of lease. Neighbourhood very select, and likely to become poguies resort for European families. Apply, Tsung-li-Yamen, Pekin. Telegram from distinguished nobleman, late of the Board of Trade, to British Forces in the Soudan. “ You've gone too far already, don’t go—Farrer.” _ [Reply not worth paying.

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oe. Seo = | 1008 Vistas of Oi smapweet | W. DOYLE, 85, Crutched Friars, . SCcero=" oe eoe™sesovr = “ ™" PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvake 15, 1698. DE LOSSY - HOLDEN CHAMPAGNE. n splendid condition, and must be j onsi side red the finest vintage of the cen TO BE HAD OF ALL WINE MERCHANTS. Consignee— DE LOSSY Z HOLDEN _ CHAMPAGNE. ASK FOR THE BUCHANAN | BLEND SCOTCH WHISKY | AS SUPPLIED TO THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT, REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GaounD. adie. fs. 48 Ivarg Handle, + A Pair aadiea tk ~~ ‘enener case, HIERATICA Mowe Eacun, 5 Gate be. Court ae. Ee 1. Ta fr Doin Oe Mouraing Nate, ¢ * Gy al Buationars, or ad stomps to Hisratica ® Works, 68, en Oe . Gold Gold Medal, ie 1m, 1801. GOLEMAN’S. WINCARNIS UebIC's EXTRACT OF MEAT & MALT HnE, ine, Séebig’s Is a Gehicions beverage tonic mi + Extraet of and is & now Ma = revent fraudulent WINCARNIS a ei — OYER FIVE THOUSAND Unedtidi ed Testimonials have been received frei Mis@ical Men. Th I t Testimonial has béen received frem e fAlowing — ponies B n Applecross, Rosshire, N.B., July 2na, “ Dear Sirs, — Please forward q * Wincarnis’ immeu iately, as my supply is about done. I trust there @o delay, as he Se ear ae sustained and gained -—— by ‘ Wincarnis’ for twelve weeks ours s faithfully, DUNCAN FLETCHER, L.R.C. Pp” is sold by all Druggista WINCABNIG Foi sgn s NE ~ Sole Proprietors and Manufacturers of the above COLEMAN & CQ., Limirep, NORWICH and LONDON. Sample bottle sent free on receipt of full postal address, —_' . izing the oR. holewale Grsen: , Ganarrt, & Co - an w. 1©¢ HIGHEST GRADES ) _ TWAMERICAN SHOE C 0 A 169.ReEGE NTS: WM phiet, “ Shaver's Kit and Outht.” Post Free a AMERICAN SHOFS: J L tall oi Biwaye beep 0 Pomoaats on the B.—T Ma. EB. Powe mecliont i Téstimonial from Madame DEMERIC LABLAOME. “ London, NGvember, 1897.—Of all the curatives from throat tefed during my career of si | i Pare fy &3 beet Sa, I don't Poscitlo ie toy tone poset ott My I must LISTEN! YOU WHO COUGH, to good advice, and take PONCELET’S PASTILLES. Bettles i/-, 2/-, 2/6, 3/6. Pil he, ws, Cultivators, aye Horse og, Straw Si eertan Hick presses, WILLIAMS’ SHAVING SOAPS. Williams’ Shaving Sticks 1/- Luxury Shaving Tablets 1/- American Shaving Tablets 6d. Sold by Chemists, Hairdressers, and Perfumers all over the wo id, or mailed to any address on receipt of price in stamps, by The J. B. WILLIAMS Co, G4, Great Russel Gt., London, W.C., or 161, Clarence St., Sydney. PACTORIES— (| GLASTONBURY, CONN., USA. a Wholesale Depot -FASSETT & JOHNSON, 31 & 32, Snow Hill, London. E.C. BLISS’ CELEBRATED CiPpnc NORTON —— |Weeps W BUSS) COHN gee SES

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© 7 owe * | | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 15, 1898. FOR MORE THAN ONE HUNDRED YEARS 9 HAS MAINTAINED ITS SUPREMACY in the face of the whole world’s competition. Such a record could not be achieved without cause. Temporary successes are comparatively easy; but for an article to maintain its popularity generation after generation, it must appeal to something more than passing fancy. This is the case with Pears’ Soap. It is, and always has been, an honest product. Everywhere abroad it has found a place in public favour equal to that for so long held in England. Men and women alike find it good and reliable. The man who has once tried Pears’ Soap in the form of a Shaving Stick wants no other; he takes it with him on all his journeys. The woman who travels and fails to take a supply of Pears’ must put up with substitutes until her burning, smarting skin inexorably demands the ‘‘ matchless for the complexion.”’ "\wattedrtans tm the OS a tuihed Uy himnt Met, Peet Bese, in the Falah of Ok Betas, Cty of Lenton Savvunzt, fomnaly im las” PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.