Punch 1897-12-11: Vol 113 Iss 2944

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TE. nt. hout he at Newsagents. a, Featatia, took aette ali eo at rT 9) THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. A P is N | A Under eminent Scientific control. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices 6d., 1s., and ts. 3d. per bottle. SOLE Imp ORTERS: THE A PO LLINARIS COMPANY, LIMITED, LONDON, a ee, a -. ¢ The te All [eS = SY ley Ss . v4 FAC) a eeerey~meer enya PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. a SLAY Pras oOw ams PRICE THREE PENCE. " LONDON. CH OCOLAL MEN WER 5:S%ee accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope. Cover. or Wrapper. @@ NOTICE.—Communications or Contributions, waether MS., Printed Matter. Drawings. or Pictures of any description, will not be returned uniess

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oe Mark Twain wr on ls weirome, and they will be this beok o¢ mach as « hing of the past | uliar power of shrewd ob-ervation, and » wi gains ites effect by a kind of dry ab urdity sageeration, « here seen at ite best Ds var | CHEISTIE MURKAY'S® NEW NOVEL ‘ wh 8vo, buckram, gilt top. % THIS LITTLE WORLD. By D T © Meeanay, Author of’ Joseph's Coat.” rown *vo, buckram, gilt top, % BY THE RISE OF THE RIVER. aie ~~ and Sketches in South Tynedale BY or the Love of a Lass of life, character, and am at *, Author of * ' aeellent short tories, full cal favour ”—Newcaerte J TALES I FROM THEVELD. by Author of “The Golden Rock,” & t lustrations by M Nisser rown #¥o,« P «hom w ith 1 oth, 3s. 64 ur and imagination the co ith the best ! lection may hold iteown he epleode of * | ence s| Witham’ *he goat is exquisitely funny , but in any uf the stones pathos and humour struggle for wm tery “—Mascueeree Guanvian ps WITCH- WIFE. sy SARAH | a, Author of “ The Macdonald Lass,” &

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Devememe 11, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Mr, O° Fluke (whose shooting has been a bit wild). “ Very opp, Rosins, rHaT I DON’T HIT ANYTHING ?” Robins (dodging muzzle). ‘‘ AH, BUT A’M AFEARD IT’S OWER GOOD LUCK TO CONTINUE, Sir!” THE PERIL OF POETRY. A NATIONAL SCANDAL. Dear Mr. Puncn,—I have read with much interest the correspondence from eminent literary men which has recently appeared in your columns, but I confess the idea of an Academy, or as you more correctly name it, Ménagerie of Letters, has quite lost favour with me since no single list that has yet | appeared contains the name which is signed at the bottom of | this letter. This fact speaks volumes for the taste of the British | public, and, me judice, damns the scheme utterly. I should like, however, to call your attention to a suggestion made by a well-known contemporary of yours, from across the Border. The Glasgow Herald, in a masterly article, advocates “the State endowment of accredited poetical genius as a means of preventing poetry from being starved out of existence ”— a fate, Sir, of which Poetry and I stand in direst danger. And why? The Herald puts the whole case in a nutshell : “There is not the same national demand for poetry that there was thirty or forty years ago.” I go further. I say there is no demand! Why, Sir, at the present moment I have twenty-three epics lying in my desk, and f can’t get one of them printed! It is incredible, but true, and if you doubt it, I will send them to 85, Fleet Street (but regret I can’t pay carriage) that you may see for yourself. [We take your word for it.—Ep.] I have known people indignant because Miron got but £5 for his Paradise Lost. Lucky Mruton! I can’t get five pence, let alone five pounds, for my Logrolliad, which I consider infinitely superior in every way to the mythico-theologico-metaphysical | lucubrations of the Puritan. | Now, Sir, you will, I know, agree with me that it would be a | public calamity if Poetry and I should perish. How prevent it ? Thus. Adopt the suggestion of the Glasgow Herald. Let the | State offer me a pension of, say, £500 a year, and, proud as I am, I will swallow my pride to prevent such a national scandal. Yours, &c., Dante Pore Jones. 5, Grub Street, Three-pair Back. A Canpipate ror THE Victoria Cross.—The football referee. VOL, OXI, a THE LADIES’ MILE. “Tere ’s a tempting bit of greenery, of rus in urbe scenery ”— Its praises Henry Luton sang long ago ; Now we tell another story, for its undivided glory Once departed, for a while, from Rotten Row. In her never-failing passion for a novel hobby, Fashion Made decree that riding bikes should be “the thing ” ; Horses stayed at home unheeded, by the cycles superseded, And the Row was then supplanted by the Ring. There ’s a charming bit of “ fiat,” you know, between Achilles’ statue And the Powder Magazine, which I shall style— With a licence all poetic, and a note apologetic— Yet with reason, too, I think—“ The Ladies’ Mile.” Oh, the times that I have been there, and the types that I have seen there Of the real and imaginary swell, And the scores of pretty riders, both patricians and outsiders, Are considerably more than I can tell. But of all things I remember one fine morning, in December, Clear for ever in my memory must dwell, When I leant against the railing watching skilful riders sailing Up and down, and wobbling novices as well. Chen I brought away one image from that fashionable scrimmage Of the sweetest and divinest little face, (nd that vision of perfection in my constant recollection In my thoughts and in my dreams will find a place. Did I pate, the little bounder in the train that gathered round er Did I look on his presumption as a crime ? She was smiling on him, sweetly, as she rode along so neatly, Though she evidently loat' him all the time. Oh, the hours that I have wasted, the regrets that I have tasted, Since I saw her there for all too brief a while! For the fact there’s no concealing that she won my heart a-wheeling That December morn along the Ladies’ Mile! “Tis AN ILL winD,” &c.--The recent gale will have had, it is to be hoped, at least one good effect. telegraphic communi- sation between Calais and Dover ought to occupy only a few minutes, and thus a message sent and received in so short a time would avert a catastrophe. As a matter of fact, such a message, instead of going straight to Dover, has to pass that town and be taken up to London, and then, when all formalities, whatever they may be, have been complied with, the pate is wired again to Dover. On M , November 29, weording to the report in the Times, my! a telegram for Dover lespatched from Calais at 10.25 a.m., was not received at Dover intil 1.50 p.m.!! This is an example of “how not to do it” with a vengeance. It is to be ho that the Post Office autho- ‘ities will not show themselves “ deaf as a Post” to the demands for improvements in this department. THE DEFEAT OF DIGGLE. (A New Reason for an Old Rhyme.) Hey, Dicertz, Dicexe, Pro ives will pesle, While Moderates moodily moon ; The Democrats laughed To see such sport And the Ratepayers paid for the tune. An Inrerpretatioy —The following advertisement recently ippeared in the Daily . elegraph :— ‘* LAD, respectable, WanTeD, used to vice and file.” So here is to be found “some work,” as Dr. Warts long ago remarked, “for idle hands to do.” We know what “rank and file” means; and here “vice” takes the place of “rank.” Per- haps “file” may be the slang equivalent for the French filer ; if so, the meaning evidently is that the lad accustomed to vice, i.e., the vicious lad, must also be able, after committing the vicious act, ycelpt of picking a pocket, to filer vite, that is, to “eut and run.” 4

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|Decempzr 11, 1897. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 266 [sedng Apo —, eouvag JO qynog WNWINY ey) Ul WIG 0} peprems0y ueeg savy “ANOLSAVTD ‘4Jy 4q posmbea NON ‘WN13D0,, Se “ : A Ae is — , ~ = \ = AS ' Ae sone —~ L - ; es = - = WN it . = = —— \ \ MEY ; \ Ssets = —_ \ OY MQ ANN ——— ‘ SN \ \\ Sree, eet TTL TT Sa \ \ Ds ‘a0Ua19j01 JO SYAOM AL, )

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| Worthy your Lo > | In pure formality I ask the nation | To vote a thousand million marks. | And we have lately | A pretty set of budding colonies ; | For fruits of | Matters have reached a critical condition | Due to an outrage on my German mission ; | I will not say the things were obsolete, | But still if cost the service quite a strain | To mobilise so many on the main. | And now we wish for even more than these | For vengeance in the form of quick returns, taels, With local rights for laying German rails, | Extinetion of the conscious Mandarin, | An open port for hibernating in, | Two halters for the guilty when detected, They slew a brace of Teutons every season ; DecemBgr 11, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ~ THE COMEDY OF CULIELMUS CASAR ; POTSDAMICUS. 1,000TrH PERFORMANCE. G. C. P. addresses His Parliament. Reichstag! Preparatory to a shock I now declare the session opened! Hoch! Here in my red right hand I hold a scheme For fortifying my superb régime :— To execute a Navy, large and fine and his tremendous line, [Sensation. Our noble army, you will understand, Is limited to exercise on land ; planted overseas Upon official maps I rather hope You may remark them with a microscope. To hold the highways thither nice and free erman ingenuity, To make our name, the Fatherland’s and Mine, A holy terror on the heaving brine | Where now we roll in antiquated arks— | | For this I want the paltry billion marks. Two cruisers, you remember, went to Crete : To vindicate the law in Eastern seas. Such acts do not affect the Church alone, But, what is more, they touch your Karser’s throne! His slighted honour naturally burns Cash down—a couple of hundred thousand And one memorial Dom to be erected. Supposing now that we were forced to cael This kind of vengeance every other week ; Or say—to keep within the bounds of reason By roughly calculating China’s size lhe meanest intellect must recognise That such a state of things would soon entail Activity upon a noble scale. And since, again, the overlandish route ls fraught with peril both from man and rute, Our safest course, for this and other trips, Is to construct a lot of costly ships. _ O Reichstag! standing on this sacred floor Two years ago I positively swore lo keep, if needful, with my blood and e, The realm my fathers gave me ready-made. If now, with my immense domain inflated n ways your Wiliam scarcely contem- _ _ plated, I yield the deadlier duties to another, It is to Henry here, my only brother! His life, his precious life, I freely stake, The hardest sacrifice a man can make! My part is done; your work, that waits you still, Is relatively light. You pay the bill. SS Ss = SSS er oo —— Noble Amateur (to Model). 2 Do You SS = “SEAGER = _ ~ SS WQQsQous ~ EVER SIT TO OrnpINARY Antists!” ‘‘The Polite Letter-Writer.” A NEW manual of the Epistolary Art, showing how to conduct a political corre- spondence with courtesy, dignity, and good taste. By W. V. H-rert and J-s-pu CH-MB-RL-N. THE HUMMING PEST. “ Or nuisances that stir my bile, Of creatures I detest There ’s one beyond all others vile ”— And that’s the humming pest. Morn, noon and night, indoors and out, With scraps of tune he greets you, You’re always meeting him about, He ’s humming when he meets you. Self-satisfied he rolls his eyes, And clears his beefy throat, You learn—you would not otherwise— That he’s a man “ of note.” No use, on seeing him, to fly, He constantly defeats you, He will not let you him by— He’s humming when he meets you. However fine may be the voice Which Heaven on him bestows, His repertoire however choice, I hate his humming “ pose.” Whene’er he sees you come along, He thoughtfully repeats you Some sacred air or comic song— He’s humming when he meets you. He’ll hum “that thing of Menpets- SOHN’S,” Some Waeoner leit motif, Or bits of Guize or Sipney Jones, With gusto past belief. No jot for your distress he cares, Romeroslensly he treats you To some of his confounded “ airs ”— He hums whene’er he meets you. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Artru..—We think your scheme for ob- taining an appointment ingenious, though a trifle risky. The appointment you pro. bably frome» | get is one for seven years— in the stone-quarrying line, on the Dorset coast.

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempzr 11, 1897, A} i 4 " Mi HUA thy ji j i { i Mr. Popham. ** Ou, THIS ONE i8 LOVELY ! Ulive. ** GIVE YUU THE NEGATIVE, PERKBAPs !” GUR BOOKING-OFFICE, J orrocks, M.F.H., who was the Pickwick of the hunting field, and the delightfully-original Soapy Sponge, both imimutabiy ulustrated by Joun Lexcu, are a couple of sporting stories dith- cult to rival and hard to beat. Mr. Fox RusseLL, however—the author’s name has a decidedly sporting smack about it—comes tor- ward with The Haughtyshire Hunt (Brapsury, AGNEw, & Co.), a lively sporting story whose hero is nearer akin to J vrrocks than any character the Baron remembers to have seen in sporting fiction. And Mr. Russe. has had the good luck to be associated with Mr. K. J. Ricuarpson, whose method of illustration is entirely his own, whose accurately-drawn horses and riders in action are ‘full of go,” but whose figures and situations are somewhat lack- ing in the quality of humour. That the “ toned ” page illustrations lose in effect as much as those in the Jorrocks and Soapy Sponge series gain by their colour, will, the Baron thinks, be the opinion of all who have the facilities at hand for making the comparison. Artis- i:cally, the majority of the drawings,even where they are somewhat hard, are admurable ; instance, that of Wil the huntsman, are, from every point of view, except the humorous, perfect. The sporting adventures of Mr. l'ravers Algernon Binkv, from his first day’s run with the Duke’s hounds, when he is mounted on Marmion, to his steeplechase on The Roman, when Marmion, with Ronald Dennison up, wins, are genuinely amusing; while the scene in the Law Courts is a capital climax to the story. In his next sporting novel, the Baron trusts that Mr. Fox Russe. will carefully avoid the very old- fashioned descriptive nomenclature which he has adopted for his characters, as, for example, “ Haughtyshire,” “ Fitzsquander,” “ Farmer Whuntercabbage,” “ Karl Krackwhipz,” “ Rev. Geoffry Jawbrother,” “ Lord Gravity,” “ Miss Lwmpkin,” which are of the kind that, in bygone days, were to be found in some comedies, while not a few of the single figures, as, for | it () a Ah lps ‘ \\y ri —_ " \ ge PAL ih — “ae ———— HER PHOTOGRAPH. I WONDER WHAT SHE WOULD bo, Ir I WERE TO PROPOSE FOR THE ORIGINAL ?” most farces, and in bills of the play at Christmas-time, when, in order to swell the cast, the manager was wont to bestow humor- ous names on a variety of “ supers” and small peopie, who were paid to be seen, but on no account to be heard, except collectively. The World gives a fully-illustrated Christmas Number, con- taining two large pictures by Mr. Bryan, crammed tull of a lot of persons representing, as usual, “celebrities,” who, on this occasion, have not the air of appearing in the least “at home.” the double illustration is accompanied by a list of these eminent individuals; but it would have been more in keeping with Christmas-time to have issued it as a sort of “ puzzle-picture,’ and to have offered a prize to anyone who should guess correctly | the names of all the more-or-less celebrated individuals whose | likenesses the artist had intended to represent. | As to the cards which Father Christmas leaves on us when jhe calls, there is quite an old-fashioned cheeriness of colow | | humour you want,” as Mr. Branpon THomas used to say in The Pantomime Rehearsal, it is provided in the liveliest varia- tions. The calendars and almanacs tell the coming year in the most artistic surroundings. Messrs. C. W. FautKkner & Co.’s }cards take Christmas a little more seriously in their exquisite | platinotypes, of which some are worthy of a frame, and then calendars, especially ‘The Minuet” series, make the days dance in the “ daintiest ” possible fashion. If you ask this Firm, * What’s your little game at Christmas ? ” they will reply, “ Oh, ever so man) novelties, meluding ‘ Association Football,’ intended for draw- ing-room amusement!” As this announcement will st grandmammas and domesticated elderly aunts, it is as well to explain that it is only a drawing-table edition of “ Socker,’ that ’s all. “Tt is now some ‘sixty years since’ Pickwick was published,” |about Marcus Warp & Co.’s Christmas cards, and if “it is |

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| Decempgr 11, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL writes the indefatigable and undefeated Dickensian student, Mr. Percy Frrzcera.p, in his latest book, entitled Pickwickian Manners and Customs (Roxburghe Press, Limited), “and it is still heartily appreciated.” True: it is “still heartily appre- ciated” by those who enjoyed Pickwick when they were boys together; the girls never cared for it; but among those of a later time, dating, say, even so far back as the sixties, how many are there who care about Pickwick? while among those whose existence dates from 1878, for example, the Baron ques- tions whether Mr. Frrz@rmraup will find one in thirty who may have tried to read Pickwick and failed, and not one in fifty who have “ heartily appreciated” the immortal work. But, be this as it may, Mr. Percy Firzezra.p’s book on Pickwickian Manners and Customs will prove attractive and interesting to all who love their Pickwick. He a theory, no less plausible than ingenious, as to the probability that Boswe.u’s Life of Johnson to a certain extent inspired Dickens in the creation of Mr. Pickwick and his followers. To the Baron’s thinking, Mr. Firzemraup’s chapter on “ Boz” and “ Bozzy” proves this beyond the possibility of doubt. The thanks of all genuine Pickwickians are due to Mr. Firzgeraup for this notable addition to the “ Boz” classics. My Baronitess informs me that Wild Kitty, by L. T. Mmape (W. anp R. Campers), is a capital book for schoolgirls. Kitty leaves the “ould counthry” to be educated in a select Englis.. school. The primness of the genteel Briton proves upsetting to the Hibernian temperament, and this young lady, from a castle, apparently in the backwoods, gets into many a scrape. ‘The “ Hoorush!” and the “shillelagh” are, however, actually nov among her accomplishments! Elsie’s Magician, by Frep WuisHaw, with many effective illus- trations by Lewis BauMER (W. anp R. Cuampers), has no deal- ings in “ magic and spells,” but is a genuine golden man, who eventually discovers himself at the correct moment as the long- lost grandfather—“ Which his name it was WALKER!” Goou | name for a wandering grand- nt. Princess Sarah, and Other Tales, by Joun Strance WINnTEK (Warp, Lock & Co.), may possibly prove entertaining to the ordinary “ maid of bashful fifteen,” except that, perhaps, nowa- days, observes my Baronitess, “ bashful fifteen” is extraordinary, for whom something stronger and more exciting may be re- quired. The stories are rather commonplace, which is Strang: tor JoHN WINTER. | “By the author of Tatterley,” set forth on the cover of a new book, is a phrase to conjure with. In A Prince of Mischance (Hutoninson), Mr. Tom Ga.uon has broken fresh ground. The household in the Professor’s home by the seaside is full of living people, the Professor being a delightfully original person from whose company we part all too soon. All the characters in the story stand firmly forth, interest culminating in Evelyn. 1 would not be fair even to hint at the lines of her story, o: the finely-conceived tragedy in which it closes. rs of Tatterley will find no disappointment in making the acquaintance of the author’s new essay. Tue Baron ve B.-W. AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND A Mystery.—A Bottle of “ Stick- phast Paste” in magnificent morocco-leather case. “ We saw it for a moment, but we think we see it now ”—only we don’t at this minute. One of the youngest and wisest of our office boys, since lost to sight, but to memory dear, was, it is reported, heard to declare, concerning the aforesaid wom, that “it was uncommon good if you were very hungry,” and if, like the Marchioness, “ you made believe very much.” Neither that youngest and wisest official, nor the stickphast , has ever been seen again. But we must not conclude from this that the lad is a thorough-past« young rascal. DectipepLy Exaccrratep.—Lord Batrour o’ Burleigh, in his speech at Glasgow, “offered Sir Witt1am Harcourt his humble congratulations on his having at last found a platform upon which he could stand,” &c., &e. No! no! Sir Wri.1aM is not | so mightily heavy as to find any difficulty in getting the support of an ordinary platform of fairly liberal dimensiona. Sir Wrii1am | is big, but he is not burly. Goop Omen ror THE LonDoN Scuoot Boarp.—That this bods | should now be illumined by a Reay of light—and leading. Wanrtep!—Strong man as President 4 the Reichsrath. Ex prize-fighter or chucker-out preferred. Good social position and salary. Permanency to suitable man. Must be used to black eyes. Doctors and raw beef supplied. Apply, stating qualifications, number of men knocked out, &c., >. to Chief Clerk, Reichsrath, Vienna. ages” UP FOR THE CATTLE SHOW. Old Style of Farmer. New Style of Farmer. ‘Avg, I BE GoInc To THE) ‘“‘Now, LeT ME SEE. Musi SHow, THEN ON TO THE WAX- HAVE A LOOK AT THE PICTURE WORKS, AND WIND UP AT THE SHOws IN Bonp STREET, CALL OD ADELPHI.” TAILOR, GET THE LATEST NECKTIE IN BURLINGTON ARCADE, LOOK IN AT THE Empire. CATILE SHow ! NEVER GO NEAR SUCH A PLACE!” OUR ADVERTISERS. It would be a pity not to rescue from oblivion such a delightful - -o-recgemme as the following, which appears in the Church imes : — “ WANTED, two Ladies as Coox and Houseman, to share entire work of North Country Seaside Vicarage. Two -hildren and resident governess. li salary required by both, state amount. Organ desirable in one.” Surely no lady would require a salary for the privilege of “sharing” the household duties in this charming retreat. An occasional peep at the Bass Rock or Flamborough Head would be ample remuneration combined with the delights of playing the or, gratis, and possibly managing a choir, and feeling that, after all, one was of some use in world. Perhaps an aggrieved baronet, or even a needy viscount, might be induced to officiate as gardener-coachman for a similarly nominal salary in this philanthropic establishment. The wonder is, that per- sons in menial situations continue any longer to accept “ wages ” as well as hospitality in return for their services. Any mght- minded lady or nobleman could only construe such a pecuniary offer as an insult to their birth and breeding. And in the beautiful new century that is now approaching, we expect that individuals of whatever rank, even “ generals,” with any spark of gratitude and good feeling, will pay their mistresses a hand- some premium, in addition to an annual fee, for the comfort, experience, distinction, and company of two children and a resident governess obtainable in quiet north-country seaside homes. What offers, ladies ? Art Urvevay.—“An ex-policeman” attempted to stab the President. Providentially his design was frustrated. “An ex- liceman!” Ah! Tuacxeray’s “Policeman X.” would never ve behaved in so dastardly a manner.

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270 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |Decemeer 11, 1897. AMBIGUOUS. Dear, I'M FEELING So CHIPPY! 1 Ditto, * MY Secon s. ““OM, I THINK I SHALL SEND DOWN A Doctor's CERTIFICATE SuRELY A CERTIFICATE ISN'T NECESSARY, TO-NIGHT, TO Dear?” TO THE CREW OF THE MARGATE SURF-BOAT, “ FRIEND TO ALL NATIONS.” Ait night the pitiless blast had swept Out of the North-East blind as hell ; Ere dawn, the sudden signal leapt, Death's meteor-signal leapt and fell. Then, as the ery for rescue rang, With quick farewell to child and wife Into the roaring surf they sprang lo yield their lives for the stranger life. Fy u nd to all Nations ! Friend at need, Where danger sets the task to do! Not ill they chose a name to speed The gallant craft of a gallant crew. Stout hearts of Kent, that heard the call Of man to man in the face of death! Is this, is this the end of all— These bodies dank with the salt sea’s breath ? Nay, but their names shall stand in gold When the opened books of God are read, With deeds remembered and deeds untold That wait till the sea gives up its dead! Arrrorriate Eron Boat-Sone (as duet) ror THe CHRISTMAS Cracker Season.—Pull, Pull Together! with our compliments to the famed cracker-purveyors, Messrs. SparaGNaPpane & Co. | honorary members,” |have grown apace. RETAINED FOR THY DEFENSE. [* Ladies are being enrolled as hon. members of a Volunteer Corps in Devoushire."’"-——Daily Paper. | “ AND so it was at Exeter that the first of us were enrolled as said the Major, looking into the glass and arranging a refractory curl. “Yes,” returned the senior Captain, “and since then we Battalions al! over the country, and a fair force of artillery.” “Yes,” assented a Subaltern. “ Actually that branch of the service ‘became very popular on the introduction of noiseless powder.” “Talking of noise,” said the Colonel, “don’t you think we could substitute a cottage for the grand piano in the orchestra?” “ Afraid not,” replied the chief of the Band > “for we want something strong in strings to go with the “Dear me!” exclaimed the chief, looking at the io. “It’s time for We must have missed the bugle call.” “Yes, Ma’am, all our buglers are rather feeble in sounding. They cannot compare with our brothers of the line.” “Then ladies, fall in.’ “Which is better than falling out,” whispered the regimental wag. And a few moments later the members of the Amazon Rifle Volunteers appeared on parade. “Hem!” commented the male military critic. “Smart! but what would they do in time of war?” Then, on consideration, he added, “It should be sine qud non that only single recruits should be eligible, and _ must have come safely out of at least two engagements

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Dacemssn 11, 1897. WW VY SHO f Wh HY CAs / Wd? \ T1144, 4, / 4 | 4s \ / lon, Yee \ Wert, \\ Mi \ \ oi! \ oa ; “a a FA oF Le oe o 7 \ Se rr ‘ _- J WS ™ cs “4 ves ~ \ vA: WG | . A BOUNDARY QUESTION. Jonny butt. “BEG PARDON, MONSIEUR! BUT PRAPS YOU DIDNT NOTICE'THAT BOARD?”

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DecemBgr J1, 1897.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 273 IMPERIASRATTICE ver Coal: 6chr are CHEAP TODAY Sag NEW IMPERIAL “OCCUPATION.” Inu, GERMAN Emperor’s SkeveNTH DEMAND IN HI8 NOTE TO TEE (HiNESE GOVERNMENT Is ‘“* 7HE OccuPaTION OF KiA0-CHAU BY G&SRMANY AS A UOALING Station.” Mr. PuncH WisHEs WILLIAM, KAISER AND COAL-MERCHANT, EVERY SUCCESS IN HIS ‘‘COALINU Business "—IF STRICTLY ‘ LIMITED,” IN RE—PINKFRTON’S INSURANCE. Part I1.—How Mr. Briefless, Junior accepted a Reference. “TI am going to ask you to do me a slight favour,” said Prn- KERTON, “ but if you grant it, it will confer a chronic blessing on | my whole life.” I need scarcely say I was only too pleased to be of the slightest service to Pinkerton. He occupies chambers beneath those bearing my name (and others), and when I visit Pump Handle Court I usually run across him. He is considerably my junior, both in years and professional standing. This being so, | thought it possible he might wish to consult me. “If you desire my counsel on the conduct of a consent brief———” I began. “Oh, no, it’s nothing of that sort,” interrupted my learned friend. “The fact is, as [ am going to be married I want to insure my life.” ‘A very proper thing to do,” I said, heartily. ‘“ When under- taking the responsibilities of the married state, which are, in reality, bound by an expressed contract, it is desirable——” “Yes, yes,” again interrupted Pinkerton, “I know all that, but the fact is, in your unprofessional capacity I want you to do me a favour.” I was a little annoyed at my learned friend's tone. Although. I do not appear in the Courts quite so frequently as I did in the days of my hot youth—yet as recently os castie before the long vacation | was briefed to support an application for the appoint- ment of a receiver in chambers—I am regarded, and | think nightly regarded, as a legal authority of weight in the bosom of my family. My maiden aunt, Carotine ApgELarpg, invariably consults me before adding (she has added several) a codicil to her will, and as for Uncle Jack—a most vigorous old gentleman of ninety-four—he keeps me quite busily employed im reading his letters to the Urban Council. My maiden Aunt, CaroLine ADELAIDE, was—so she said—infinitely obliged to me for my |to the clerk opinion on the probable validity of a legacy left to a parrot, and Uncle Jack was —_ thankful when I prevented him from sending, as a privi ge communication, his opinion in writing the U. C. anent the District Surveyor that that individual was a “ blithering idiot,” and what was worse—from a legal point of view—“tip receiver.” Uncle Jack agreed with me, on recovering from his attack of gout, that his “ privileged communication” would probably have landed him in olloway. So I repeat, I was displeased with Pinkerton’s tone—it savoured of disrespect. “TIT am nothing if not professional,” I said, with a grave smile. “Of course, I shall only too pleased to serve you.” “Well, it’s only to become my surety. The medical Johnny who examined me said I was right enough, but he must have a form filled in by a friend of some years’ standing before he could recommend his board to accept me.” “I see,” I returned. “I shall be very happy, but I am bound to say that I shall have to answer the questions put me with the nicest regard as to their truthfulness.” “T expect nothing less,” said Pinkerton, in rather a nasty tone. “Of course, my dear fellow, I don’t want you to tell a pack of lies, but still, if you have any hesitation about it I can easily get Gronce pe Purre Porre to——” “Not at all,” I replied, promptly. I don’t like De Purre Porre. He suggests to my mind a donkey suffering from ex- aggerated self-complacency. And the matter was settled. “You might give me a hint or two,” I continued. ‘“ How did you get on with the examining doctor ? “What, the medical Johnny? Oh, first rate. me, and said I was satisfactory to an ounce.” I was a little surprised at this, as Pinkerton is distinctly thin. I myself am only fifteen stone to five feet nine, and I am certainly portly as compared with my learned friend. “Then he puxched me in the chest and listened with a thing like one of those theatrical telephone-tubes to hear the echoes.” “And was the condition of your lungs to his satisfaction ?” “ Eminently—he suid I was as sound as a bell. Then he made | me hop about the room on one leg like a demented duck.” “I see. No doubt to test the muscles of your foot.” I have | some knowledge of anatomy. “Probably. Then he listened for the music 7 and de- clared my heart to be perfection. I was very pieased, as, to tell the truth, I had rather worried myself by reading The Dictionary of the Incurable, by Doctor Zero.” “Unquestionably a text-book of commanding importance.” ” So t thought until I found that I had the symptoms of fifteen fatal diseases, of which two thirds should terminate abruptly within a week.” “T need scarcely say that your apprehension was not realised?” Iam apt sometimes to become unconsciously a cross- examiner. “You are perfectly right in that assumption. I am still alive, and if I may believe the medical Johnny, have no need to make my will for the next twenty years. In fact, as the doctor bade | me adieu, he predicted that I would be on the books of the com- | pany until I was eighty.” “ Distinctly satisfactory.” He weighed “Sol t. So, my dear fellow, when the form arrives, | fill it in ing to the dictates of your conscience.” “That I assuredly will,” I returned, heartily, as I wrung —* hand warmly. “I am confident t all will be well.” “T would be grieved beyond measure if I did not share in that belief,” said my learned friend. “ Aice is the dearest girl alive.” And then Pinkerton gave me a detailed account of how, when, and where he met his fiancée, and other details— from his point of view—of an interesting character. At length he left me, and I turned my attention to my notes upon a book I contemplate writing some day, to be called, From the Gown of the Student to the Chancellor's Wig, with the sub-title of T'he | Experiences of a Practising Barrister, when my admirable and excellent clerk Portineton entered the room. “T think, Sir, this is something more than a circular,” he said. I allow my valued assistant a certain latitude in the selection of documents to be destroyed or preserved. “Thank you,” I replied, and then I opened an envelope bear- ing a type-written name and address. I glanced at the con- tents. ie form to be filled in about the health of Pivxerton. I read the questions more carefully, and my mind became much disturbed. ey were distinctly of an embarrassing character. How I replied to them, and what was the effect of my answers must be reserved for re » Pump-Handle Court. (Signed) A. Brreriess, Junior. December 1, 1897.

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|Decempzr 11, 1897. FUNCH, OR 1HE LONDON CHARIVARI. [‘sownz —,,“mustuvsi0 uvmng joojsedmt uv qitM Joojsad & Jo UOTUN B st OYm ‘of-OF st a80q) JO AvTNSUTS Ysour ogy ** * osnqua JO 8YWouy BNOLINS O68 TOT oMlos ose wpdeatio qv s[vulTas vq) Fuoury ,,} t : ; ; ” "VIGWAIO LV LINO LON QGINOHS AZIIVE GNV WONYVS ‘“SHSSSW HOIHM «SMOHS-3GIS,, 3WOS Za oe f) ‘ 4 ~ come Ty jwsaNOM a ' " 6871931 GNV SssIIHEYW MLW D *$-1-@ AWNOL- : ww :N3dV2 JHL “Winey oes NWWOW INIONAQ)

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Decemper 11, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SONGS FOR THE NATION. ‘Anybody may make the laws of a nation, let me make its songs."’—Shakspeare, or Somebody. Drinking Songs.—The drinking song is a necessity of human nature, but a great deal may be done to guide it (the song) into proper channels. I would catch the thoughtless with guile by preserving the time-honoured tone, while pointing out a more excellent way. Notice the sort of crescendo in moral purpose which culmi- nates in the third verse of the specimen given. When singing this song, proceed warily, and omit the third verse if you observe symptoms of discontent. It may even be advisable to stop short at the first, but be assured that the serious element must prevail in the long run. BACCHANALIAN. Come, jolly topers, one and all, Together we will stand or fall, Fill up the radiant bowl with wine, And lemonade that’s half divine ; Our hearts are light, our spirits free, So here ’s to you and here’s to me. Chorus. Every man-jack of us reeling with jollity, Now is the moment for utter frivolity, Not to be jolly is most reprehensible, Hang any villain who dares to be sensible ' Gaze on the liquor surpassingly fair, Drink of the claret-cup radiant and rare, Hurrah! But lo! amid our frantic cheers A medicated wine appears. A tonic is a thing of might, Of ecstacy and pure delight. The finest drugs, the choicest steel To every British heart appeal. Chorus. Wine that is useful for gout and paralysis Wine that has stood every test of analysis Wine that will save you from hopeless inanity, ting out its praise to the verge of insanity Fie on the fogies who call you a beast, Drink to the dregs half-a-teaspoon at least ! Hurrah ! Encore verse. What, ho! The tonic, too, retires, And “ pales its ineffectual fires ” Before the very prince of drinks, From which the nerveless milksop shrinks. No heel-taps, boys, mock care and toil In lovely Norway’s golden oil! Chorus. Cod liver oil, boys! oh, the delight of it! Cod liver oil! we will all make a night of it! Cod liver oil! it is making a man of you, Phosphates are good for the whole jolly clan of you, Weak little stomachs may turn from the treat, We will insist upon having it neat. Hurrah ! A General Question of Stop-it. Determined Forhunter (to Determined Game-preserver). Why should you stop earths ? Determined Game-preserver. Why should you stop shooting ? [And then they get angry, both being two of the best fellows in the world. So Mr. Punch suggests a full stop after each of the queries. TRIALS OF A NOVICE. The Boy (to Brown, who has just taken a “‘ little place” in the Country). ‘‘ Puaze, Zur, wot se I TO START ON?’ Brown, ‘‘ OH—ER—ER— LET '8 SEE—— OH, CONFOUFD IT !—ER—ER Make A Bowring/" THE PLETHORA OF BOOKS. (By an Intermittent Author.) (Mr. Lesiiz Srernen, in Literature, aivocates | that books should be printed on peri-hable mate- rials, on account of the vastly-increasing publishers’ output, ] To-pay the Caliph Omar’s robe On Lesiiz Steruen has descended ; With other writers’ works offended, He’s turned a bitter bibliophobe. He’d have them, ere a hundred years Elapse, or sooner, wholly perish ; No Shanske need longer cherish The toil of scribes and sonneteers. Nay, pereant qui ante nos Dizere nostra is my feeling On SuakspeareE and his tribe for stealing My masterpieces by the gross! How can one write when ev’rythi Worth writing has been writ already ? How can the stream continue steady, Yet fresh, of annual “Odes to Spring ” ? My sympathy I freely lend To prosy rivals and poetic— I’d Each o Why can’t some law obliterate All books that ever have been printed | Then, as I previously have hinted, My magnum opus I'd create! rint in ink that’s sympathetic their works from end to end! MOTOR CAR-ACTERISTICS. (By an Old Whip.) JERKING and jolting, Bursting and bolting, Smelling and steaming, Shrieking and screaming, Snorting and shaking, Quivering, quaking, oe | slipping, wisting and tripping, Bening eae bounding ng pounding, Rolling and sealeae vo. and tumbling. Such I’ve a notion, Motor-car motion. Surranite Decorations ror Hear | ANDrer’s Winter Home.—aA freeze.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DecemBer 11, 1897, ‘'-¢ "UNTING, BY ’AR®Y. "INTS ON Sit WELL BACK at Your Fences! SEASONABLE LITERAT( RE. Tue Last Cuarrer or A CHRISTMAS Numper. (1837) ‘Harry,” said Sir Jasper, with a sob | strangely foreign to his wonted lack ot feeling, “ you must forgive me. I don’t leserve it, I know. Through forty-seven pages my ingenious schemes have kept you snd your Mary apart, and if that missing will hadn’t turned up, I should have won the game. But you won’t be hard on a poor old villain, Harry, my boy? There’s ynly a page or two more, so you can afford to be generous. And, if my words are weak, that sound will reach your heart— the sound of Christmas bells!” He flung open the window as he spoke, ind the chimes from the sweet old village *hurch sounded merrily across the snow- overed fields. “ Jasper,” answered Harry, in impres- sive tones, “I forgive you. If, indeed, I followed my natural inclination, I should throw you out of window. But no true hero in a Christmas number was ever yet unmoved by the sound of church bells in the last chapter. I forgive you, and Mary forgives me, and we forgive everybody else, and it’s away with melancholy, and up with the holly, and let’s be jolly. There ’s only a page more to fill, and we ’ll end the story in the proper way. To-night will the dear old Hall re-echo with mirth and happiness, and the elders will unbend and become young again. Excuse me now. We dine at six, and I must drink a gallon of milk-puneh before then.” “T thank you!” cried Sir Jasper. “ Now that you’ve foiled all my schemes, I was sure you’d forgive me. My regards to Miss Mary, and after a few glasses of hot brandy-and-water, I’ll step round to the Hall.” And that night they revelled in the most thorough-going style. All of them were there, the hero Harry, and the heroine Mary, and the villain Jasper, together with the old-fashioned uncle, the humorous mother-in-law, and lots of other characters who have been mentioned incidentally in the story, and long since forgotten. Every one of them turned up for the old-fashioned Christmas revel. And there was roast beef, and mistletoe, and Sir Roger de Coverley, | and snapdragon, and blind-man’s buff, and | ghost stories, and love-making, and, above all, gallons and gallons of punch. Not till every drop of the latter was finished did the company disperse. Finally they left in pairs, to be married next morning, and | y to live happily ever after, which is the onl proper way of finishing up an old-fashioned | Christmas number. Tue Same CHAPTER. (1897.) At the window of the foulest garret in | the slums of London (for full description, vide previous pages), Harry the hero stood | and twiddled his thumbs. With a languid | interest he watched a cat in the yard lick its paw, and miaow twice. Then he turned to his companion and regarded him curiously. “ Jasper,” he said, with a yawn, “don’t | you think we might as well end somewhere here?” “Just as you like,” answered Jaspzr, who was sitting on a dust-heap in the far corner. “It really doesn’t matter where | we stop in a story of this kind, one place | does as well as another.” “There isn’t much to go on with,” re- plied Harry, thoughtfully chewing a piece of string. “Now that you’ve murdered Mary, and all the others are disposed of, | it’s about time to finish. I can’t go on talking to you for many more pages.” “Why not?” Jasper replied. “We can always fill up the gaps with ‘dreary silences.’ Surely you don’t hate me?” Harry sigied. “Nobody hates in | modern stories—that is far too strong an | emotion. But, as you've killed my fiancée, | besides murdering three other characters, | and driving five more to suicide, I do slightly dislike you. Here’s the poison bottle, and there’s just enough left for us both. You’re sure none of the others are left out by mistake? How about that eostermonger mentioned on the second nage ?” “Sent to penal servitude,” responded Jasper. “And his wife has gone mad in -onsequence, and killed off three minor | characters who weren’t accounted for. As you say, we may as well stop; we’ve pro- vided a svlendid story for a modern Christ- mas number. Pass the poison bottle when you ’ve taken your share. And don’t forget to make a vague remark just before you die—readers expect it.” Harry nodded, and having consumed a pint of pure prussic acid, handed the re- mainder to Jasper, who quickly swallowed the rest. For a few moments there was silence. Then Harry sat up. “Why didn’t he boil the butter?” he murmured. Then there was a dreary silence. Aut THe Dirrerence.—The Daily News published an article, which, under the title of “Rowing and Rowing Men,” reviewed the fourth volume of the Isthmian Library, by Messrs. R. C. Lenmann, Guy NicKkAaLts, and others, under the able editorship—or editorboat, in this instance—of Mr. B. FietcHer Rosinson. There is a Crum of comfort in it for Etonians; and E. G. Biackmone interests us in Australian eights. But the title of the book is ms leading, for “ Rowing and Rowing Men suggests a comparison between “the Row- ing Men” or “ Rowdies” of a past gene ration and the temperate and quiet Rowing Men, i.¢., oarsmen, of to-day. ———— art ——— Or

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| PUNCH, OR _THE LONDON C CHARIVARI. —Decemper 11, 1897. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY Rose St. Glasgow, W ., Cuvee Carriage Paid. zor “ Food and Dietetics” Dr. Pavy in hi ids for general use one of the most THE DRY WINE -CO., 56, Pall Mall, S.W. PURE NATURAL DRY WINES (FREE Fs FROM eunan AND aspen apenit). termenied wine, rless) ees Sate absolutely free from sugar a ” Price Lists of other, Dy y Wines on application A pure and l)ry Sherry may be said to constitute sare alesome liqu use of the fermented clas Dr. Yorke Davies j ays :— Your S Natural Wines meet with my entire approbation . ~ SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lro., AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL. And retailed by all first-class tubacconists at home and abroad. OELLULARS NEALTHIEST axp BEST ron BVENING WEAR (ustrated Price Sof I full range of Celiular Goods for Men, W , and Children, sent pow free on popnd ad mM. OLIVER BRUTH EMS, Ltd., 33, New Hond 8t OLIVER BROTHEKS, Ltd., 417, Oxford Beevet, NOKERT 8001T, Ltd, 4 and 18, Poustr, , BA And Agents in all Towns in the U nited ingdom Sve Price List for for r Names, ror Connotsseurs. SAHARA (Turkish) CIGARETTES. ——_g ———— The Exceptional Quality of these | Delicious Cigarettes is guaranteed by the name and trada mark of tha SOLE MANUFACTURERS: W. D, & H. O. WILLS, Ltd., “THE BOONS 4& BLESSINGS.” BYULTARD tat Lid. EDINBURGH, aes URS. set in aime Bajenty Billiard nest qualities ee Bule makers of the “* as fitted to Her Binjentrs . “tabia’ at sae Windsor Castle, These can be attached bey: say Bird Best Ivory Balls, thoroughly A Record —_——, Feat of Marksmanship. rvvvrV"Vr"T"T""Tr""" "7" """"" 7 WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. | DELICIOUS -COMFOR GRANT'S, and don’t be put off with inferior makes 1ING Ask f Plate le N-MER CURIAL Best and Safest Article for ng Electro-Plate, @e. SIX GOLD MEDALS . ywhere, in Boxes, Is., 2s. 6d., and 4s. 6d. Universally admitted to be vy al. Cuemers, on Poser Fase, 2s. reom NEWBERY'S, KING EDWARD STREET, E.C. FEED YOUF Lane DERIDG 1h PATENT “e | | | | | Of all Tobacc)s PLAYER'’S- HAS ALONE HIT THE BULL'S EYE of UNIVERSAL FAVOR. se em Pe Ed ASS aL se baw He (The Original) DE LOSSY - HOLDEN CHAMPAGNE. of Oe renowned brand is and must be justly ado of the century. TO BE HAD OF ALL WINE MERCHANTS. Consignee — W. DOYLE, 85, Crutched Friars, London, E.C. The 1892 Vintage now in i phen o con DE LOSSY - HOLDEN CHAMPAGNE. — ELEVEN YEARS OLD. This Grand Old Whiskey ts w blend of the produce of the most famous High land Small Stille 26c. the Gall., 60s. the Dozes. Cash only Sample hottle MA free on receipt of P.O. for 4s, 64 RICHD. MATHEWS & CO. M and 2%, HART #8T. RLOOMABURY, WO, Sold by all Lesoiny Menonan re throughout Ins ors and the Covon ins SHALL WE SEND YOUACAT alogue of Greenhouses from M., Poultry and Rustic Houses, Iron Hoildings Chicken House, Runs an =, Timber, tron, Glass ndkundries CLEARANCE SALE ROW ON at extra wdinarys low prices to clear send to-day, as # hen once jJeared cannot be replaced rice. W. COOPER, Horticul id Kent Road, London, 5. thing like the tural Provider, 74, ¢ Burrow’s “Soda.” If you want REAL SODA for your Whiskey, ask for it by its PLAIN NAME, and get BURROW’S if you can— It is by far the best. Bottled at THE SPRING :, MALVERN, For Delicate Children. SQUIRE'S CHEMICAL FOOD. In Bottles, 2s., 3a, 6d., & 6s. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS ano BTURES, ano oF SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, 418, OXFORD STREET, LONDON WHISKEY = ea

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 11, 1897. Stapence. Price ‘ z * . - . a. - ~ 7 z . . - v f, ~ . » - » . . z ° . 9 » x Py ’ z ’ < « ~ a a “a ~ . z x x 7. ~ ~~ bi < a o » ol “ x x ~ 7 . » sy ISOS for