Punch 1897-12-04: Vol 113 Iss 2943

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—— —— — r With Introduction and Comments by JOSEPH PENNELL, and a Bibliography TH FE WORK OF of Selected Works by W. H. CHESSON. Containing over 130 illustrations, a large number of which have never before been printed. Imperial 4to, bound in buckram, £3 13s. 6d. net. Also, a Fine Edition (limited to 15 copies) in a superior binding, contain'ng an original drawing by CHARLES KEENE, and CHARLES EEN E. a duplicate set of pictures on India paper, in a portfolio, price £15 15s. net. London: T. FISHER UNWIN, Paternoster Square, and Bradbury, Agnew, & Co. Ld.

SATURDAY. IE WEEP ' i ‘al a a a . dere aut Ll \ we ie <a ) SF. PUBLISHED EVERY 7) A) he an = ee or vatATY ee ea eT ee . accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. F AOpen PRICE THREE PENCE. @@ NOTICE.—Communications or Contributions. whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings. or Pictures of any description, will not be returned unless ys Or, . aieoes x TTA Oy i | 5 és Loy ! Biot i" wy | « ‘i LTR Oa: tral aN RAT 0A IB

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, “~~ LONDON. CADBURYS COCOA “ Represents the Standard of highest purity at present attainable wn Cocoa.”—Tue Lancet.

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HOWARD] BEDFORD. Ploughs, Harrows, Cultivators, Haymakers, Horse Rakes, Straw Trussers, Mowers, poe 5 Presses, Ol Engines, & Lizht Ra ilways. ITCHING SKIN ‘DISEASES tant relief for torturing, disfignring, itch burning, and scaly «kin and ~calp diseases with low of hair, ina warm bath wit) Cuticrra a single application of Cuticrra (oint- ond afull doseof CuTicraa Kesorvest, reatest of blood i purifiers and humour cures, Gticura a... 4 wr on * ne Saree, 1. Xa bod eweeat x —" m, v Avg | py fete. ah es port free | | | RED ROUGH HANDS “ir csicuncrmece “ONE PIECE’ STUDS PATENTED Unbreakeble. Beautifully AVOID Formed. IMITATIONS. No one who appreciates a nice Stud wears any other None Genuine Unless Stamped Patent. Sold by all Leading Jewellers. OPES E ONLY, CAUMOERE & SHEPKERD, LOwDOD CENTLEMEN’S WICS. Perfect Imitations of Mature. Weightiess,no wiggy appearance Unshrinkabie Material. Instruc tions for self - mensurement on application CHAS. BOND & SON, 43, wew HOND STREET, W per talents also fe oF Ladies Wi has and Scalpette Rend fo Cata hey pages Illustrat Nothing _ _— and So Acres wy | “Safeabic Trees. moname Tne Bushes in variety. Packing Carriage free for Cash with order S/- doz., 6O/- per 100. Ali other Nursery Stock carriage forward. fein POTS From 15/-a doz] oe } ee . Four Acres of Glass, lematis £0,000 from 15-doz. N.B.—Single Plants are sold at slightly prices. CENERAL CATALOCUE (Over 140 brates beg rtistical onape a ne 4 of filustrations] and full of valuable information, free on recetpt of Sd. for postage. Please mention this Paper. & Oo., Worcester.] 7 OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —Decemser 4, 18% 1897. | FOR COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, de., ‘de., DRINK VICHY CELES TINS suing = ss Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. Sole Im porters: INGRAM & ROYLE, 52, FARRINCDON STREET, LONDON, E.C. ~ # HEAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” asx ros MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (Keeo.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” GHUBB’S JEWEL SAFES ENCLOSED IN WOOD CABINETS) FoR XMAS PRESENTS CHUBB, 68, ST. JAMES’S ST., PALL MALL, GOL a TNLNE PERFECTLY HARM eutl ty Sestennan and Ghomtete Wholesale: KR. HOVENDEN & SONS, and all prine? pal Patent Medicine Warehouses, London. | . eo + sad Ye Patent Diagonal Wl not split in the Seams nor in the Pabr * Made in White, @/1l, 7/11 per pair, and upwards. Reiaby allthe Principal Dra and Ladies’ Outfit Tuner Gowo Mepate. _SUCHARD’S COCOA. Nature’s Choicest. Highest Honours Brussels International Exhibition, CUARANTEED PERFECTLY HOLLOW CROUND. Ivory, 6s.; Black, 4a. Thomas Turner & Co. make their own steel. Send for Pree List of Cases. From | all Dealers, or write direct to Makers T. TURNER & CO. Suffolk Works, SHEFFIELD, Who will supply through nearest Agent. Ask for “ Encore” Pocket and Table Cutlery. “PUNCH” is being set up every week by LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. SHALL WE SEND YOUA CAT faa alogue ofG reenhouses from Ws., Poul and Rustic Houses, Iron Buildings, Chicken House, Runs and fe Coops, Timber, Tron, Glass, indSundries CLEARANCE SALE NOW ON at extra ordinary low prices to clear. Send to-day, as when once cleared cannot be replaced at any a like the PER, Horticul- tural Provider, 755, Old Kent Road, London, &8.E DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. For ACIDITY oF rae STOMACH, HEARTBURN, | HEADACHE, GOUT, and IN DIGESTION Sold throughout the World. — Gorn & Ouver, Peneil ¢ cases "Ss. Mordan mace be ebhained fr from all ellers & Stationers . #12 12s. *s. CRUISE TANGIER, LISBON, GIBRA for GRANADA, ML LOLEMS, to Mane HOTEL METROPOLE BRIGHTON. “The finest Mate the vo Charges moderate. Proprietors: THE CORDON HOTELS | “JAP” CARPETS 42/- Size 12 ft. by 9 ft. Other Sizes. All Colourin TRELOAR & SON LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Catalogue. EASTMAN’S Foldin ng Pocket Koda A Marve New Film Camert PRICE £2 2s. Od. Goes into any Pocket. Flat like a book. 3% \ Inches. LOADED IN DAYLIGHT. POCKET KODAKS, BULL'S£YE, BULLETS, No. 4 CARTRIDGE . KODAKS, £1 18, od. to £5 5 oy EASTMAN bcs’. us. 11g-117 OXFORD ST., [iy and 60 Cheapside, No Camera is a “ Kopaxk” usle# made by the EASTMAN CO wins =e aa aoc f= ee © & SS & ss SF & w i es aww @ ® 8 ow

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— | Decemper 4, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL TONS Peeie ea ee ee - a ne RESEARCHES IN ys THe Great FIGHT BETWEEN SULLIVANUS AND PepLARI PALMERIVS AT THE SuPERBUS SporTING CLUB. LETTERS TO THE CELEBRATED. No. V.—To Tae Rr. Hon. Arnravr James Batrovr, M.P. My pear Sir,—As I strolled along Pall Mall or in the neigh- | bourhood of the Palace at Westminster, nescio quid meditans | nugarum, it has occasionally been my good fortune to meet a tall figure sedately and delicately ing in the opposite direction. The gait, indeed, was almost id, the head hung but loosely on the shoulders, and the face small in proportion to the attenuated length of body and limbs, wore a pale air of detached absorption suited to r a temperament at once poetical and philo- sophic. The clothes pa by this slow walker might at lowe _ passed the exacting muster of the Tailor and Cutter, that Argus-eyed, sartorial authority whose young men criticise with an equal freedom the ted trousers of statesmen at the Royal Academy show, and the double-breasted frock-coat of the Duke of Yorx disembarking in Ireland. Still the clothes had about Sas : migetees aos of fit, while of folds that emed to suit a man of thought, a philosopher, let us say, or a poet engaged u the uncongenial task of exercising his limbs in the open air. It was not without an effort, then, that I realised that this agure was: you, a statesman, a man of action, an undaunted fighter; a man, in short, who, whatever else his Opponents m say of him, was acknowledged by them and by his friends to have faced, with a rigid determination and a com- piste success, the fiercest onslaughts of the Irishry and their iberal allies during the stormy years from 1887 onward. And yet, Sir, are you sure that you have chosen the better part—better, I mean, not merely for yourself, but for those who admire pe many qualities of heart and head? I know that your olitical record, if I may use the expression, is a brilliant one. our party owes much to you. You steered their barque safely — waetee a with many a dosck. Your mple of impertur' courage inspired them in anxious times ; your fhigh-bred polished courtesy has often been the delight of the House of Commons, where men are glad to recognise that determination pede gt do not exclude good manners, tolerance and politeness the foe. I know, too, that it is easy and, perhaps, fatuous to say of successful men that, had they turned their energies into a different channel, their success would have been — and more striking. Thus Mr. Jonn Bricut been ibed ize-fighter wasted, Mr. GLapsTonE as a Prince of the Church in the guise of a ical leader, and the Archbishop of Canrersury as a Field- in black paiters and lawn ves. On the whole, I think it is better to believe that men as a rule pursue the careers for which they are best fitted, and if Rocers, for instance, had never been a banker, I doubt if the stock of the world’s great poetry would have been sensibly i And so it is probably with you. You engage in politics because politics for your mind the zest it requires, because F have found that in politics your energies find their best and broadest scope. And yet I cannot forbear to speculate on what might have been. wun 7eg can think and can write. vetioaoet the eat d style; you wield a piercing + areseng rapier ; osophic spec ion fascinates you; you are literary, musical, sym . Do these qualities their best prong 1 the turmoil of politics? Can they match themselves successfully in the long run ——- the r blatancy of——well, of any pushing. brazen, hi ided, self-advertising politician who may be t and struggling for place and power without much fégard to the w : pe oa can I wish to believe they can, for I confess it would be a dismal day for us if we had to acknowledge that mere vulgarity and smartness must in the end submerge scholarly courtesy and pay. I leave the matter there. I do not presume to ormulate an answer which Time in any case will provide. One hint I may give. K clear, if you can, of fads and cranks. A subtle intellect, no bt, finds a pleasure in threading the mazes of bimetallism ; but to a practical English statesman, a Minister in a p rous country, the centre of the world’s commerce, these tricky attempts to tamper with ancient and well- = systems are a Ww . In Society, you may have mn a “soul,” in politics you must be a man. y golf as much as you like, but, as you value your future, abstain from bi- metallism. F Y i arewell. ours with " Tas Vacrant. VOR. OXIII.

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254 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Decemper 4, 1897. ’ f My on | Wy BZ | ke 441} //|// / ? 8) ; iin A iy }! ih iy as sf V Hd Se nee / tA ‘ ’ OO Wood eed i —————— THE BALFOUR BIRD AND THE FOWLER SNARED. Amar * 2a™ “Voawo. 2 —_——a 1897.) Times” on ‘‘ The Indian Frontier,” dated November 24, A.J. Balfour's Letter to the ** (See Mr. i

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| Drommmn 4, 1897] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 255 “NEW LAMPS FOR OLD.” ; 3 - ill i "4 ire 4 iene” "T In offering a third i of the “ nursery-thyme,” as rewritten for youth. ful decadents, Mr. Punch feels that these : | | examples will suffice to show how vast an fe —. improvement may be made upon the/ ,; f | “ senseless jingles,” as a reviewer aptly | termed them, with which the less fortunate | children of a previous have had to be content. And he looks forward with con- fidence to the time when every child will be taught from his earliest years to yo ciate the esthetic beauties of neurotic lite- rature. This final specimen may be called . THE GARDEN OF DEAR DELIGHTS. The grey weariness of our talk irked me. My glimmering fear dawned to a dreadful certainty; decidedly Mary had no sense of things beautiful, in a word, no soul. Her empty laughter had long since died away, indeed, a note of ill-temper, almost of fury, twanged harshly in her speech. And yet she was so young, 80 wise, so beautiful! Deep-hidden, surely, finer sense must yet abide in a form so gracious. And, by good hap, I found it at the last. “Dear lady,” I entreated, “the loftier height may yet be yours. ut you must be quit of the bad old modes of Sones you must mount to the untramme ed sense-———” “IT wish you’d mount to sense!” she broke in, angrily. “I’ve never heard such nonsense in my life! Do let’s leave that affected jargon and talk about something else ! “Certainly,” I assented, with a sigh. “Yet it were scarce necessary to speak so harshly. But, dear Mary, most unkind, most contrary, I will e’en touch another theme. Perchance,” I added, with a sud- den thought, “ you have a garden?” “Come, that’s much better,” said she. “T believe you’re going to be intelligible at last! Yes, I have a garden.” “T knew it!” I responded with enthu- siasm. “To one thus fair must surely | appertain some ye age pleasaunce, | some spot bedight wi harmonies of colour, some—— “Oh, dear,” she broke in, “you’re as bad as ever!” | “Speak, then, my Mary,” I replied. “How does your garden grow?” She eyed me strangely. Almost I could have sworn that a smile lurked around her mouth, 7 ha, “My garden? Oh—with silver bells!” Ke Y 17 “How exquisite!” I exclaimed. “ Dear, sweet silver bells, tinkling in the resonant | »éending Purchaser, ‘‘ On, YES, "R'D BE ALL RIGHT, BUT R's GOT SUCH A HUGLY Ep! ate 1 - ~* e t else enhances . ‘tent (to rim. ded that subtle charm?” the picture perfect ear osels, She was moved—deeply moved. Clearly | in fairest garb, not errant among the path- ay evap a she had more feeling that I had enm ways, but standing demure in one far-| (From ntipodes. ) She had her handkerchief in her mouth,| reaching row! Fain would I wander,| Covup not have been more warmly re- and her voice trembled, as sh : Mary, in that garden, fain would I ” | ceived. On appearance in a new place, our e : With—oh, with cockle-shells! ’ At this moment Mary suddenly with-| hands were nearly shaken off our wrists, “Symbolism most apt! The of|drew, murmuring a few broken. words #nd our arms all but pulled from their the cockle—how deep, how true! Fixed| which almost seemed to sound like “Of all | sockets. Yes, unquestionably in general immovably to the arid rock, and yet|the screamingly-funny idiots”—but those enthusiasm watches were lost. There was pointing _—_ with its summit, aspiring to| they could not have been. |no dissembling of love, and yet kicking _ the nobler height—type of every cultured} And, since then, Mary has not crossed down stairs was the theory, if not actuall soul! I think I see that dear garden of} my path, nor sought converse with me; | the practice. The reception was ma P yours, in which oft-times you wander soli-| painfully conscious, doubtless, of her own cent, but it was not cricket. Australia has | tary—or, perchance, do other maidens, | inferiority. Poor child, I despise her not. wisely advanced in most things, but per- | beauteous as yourself, share its sweet se-| And some day we will seek together that | haps is a trifle too prominent in freenns clusion ” — lace I wot of; yea, handin- visitors. On the whole, the hug of a gay She seemed to be almost suffocated by | hand we wander amid the dulcet-| bear is preferable to the fraternal em the gracious insight of my words. “Lots| sounding bells, and the piquant cockle- of a Colonial. | of ’em,” she cried, well-nigh choking in| shells, and the damsels wondrous beautiful, | the utterance, “ lots of ’em! All in aj some day will I flee the blatant turbulence| A very old lady of our acquaintance says | tow! of the street, and stray at ease in the Gar-| she fears the Winter-time, as that is when It lacked but that,” quoth I, “to make | den of Dear Delights! | “the equivocal gales” are in full force.

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| | | | Messrs. “Ot PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemprr 4, 1897. | A, wd a WH Udi % “ - ' ri o . + = AY ws p iw t ay’ at —> a . } s gag * 4 ye on Ty 4 ‘ . j ; js Ny ‘ ~ A NICE Fair Thruster (who has just jumped over Friend). ‘‘On, I BEG YOUR PARDON, NELL. fet “ EXCUSE. I rHovGHT IT was A Man!" MORE MANNERS FOR WOMEN, The Girl in Society.—Music and painting are no longer neces- sary accomplishments. Bicycling and slang are. rench is taken for granted. In these days of travel a little Russian, Arabic, Hungarian, Basque, and Chinese are useful. The QueEn usually converses in Hindustani with the Munshi Asput Karr. I get a great deal of information about the Court from a former Royal footman, now a grocer in my neighbourhood. At Drawing Rooms.—I could repeat a number of his anecdotes if I had space. The débutante should not leave the Royal presence on her hands and knees. In the Omnibus.—A gentlewoman does not rest her head on the shoulder of the man next to her. Nor does she stamp on her neighbour’s toes. Self-effacement is her characteristic. If the Prince of Watns is sitting opposite her in an omnibus she does not stare at him, but looks out of the window behind her, a difficult thing to do gracefully when the omnibus is full, but easy enough after a little practice. Cards and Calls.—A card is a thin white piece of paste-board. This is not generally known. Its size is exactly three-and-a half by two-and-a-half inches. In the best houses the butler is provided with an inch measure, and ordered to refuse all cards of improper dimensions. Correct cards are easily obtained. ASTE AND Boarp supply very good ones. Weddings.—Tears are bad form. Most human emotions are bad form. They are out of place in smart restaurants. The bridegroom pays for whatever he cannot get the bride’s father to pay for. He even furnishes his own house. Everything is now supplied by caterers. They will supply the bridegroom if necessary. Messrs. Nyves aNp Fawkes are an excellent firm. Dinners.—If the hostess cooks the dinner she is hot and tired when her guests arrive. In the best houses the dinner is pre- pared by a cook, sometimes by a chef, or by what I call a cordon rouge. I don’t quite know what this is. Most ple call it a cordon blew. Perhaps it is a sort of kitchener. Diuners should not last for five hours. The signal to leave the table is a nod to the principal lady. If she is not on the look-out, you can catch her eye with anything handy. Avoid giving the signal too soon, for instance, just as your wealthy bachelor uncle is sipping his port. Excellent port is supplied by my grocer. You can give the signal prematurely if two of the guests seem likely to come to blows over bimetallism, or any other unwelcome topic. U p-to-date Entertaining.—This is not entertaining at all, being merely an “ At Home” with dull talk and weak tea. ; orrespondence.—Try to spell correctly. If your friends live at West Roudanten do not address the envelope to East Ham- mersmith. If you live there yourself, or in any other suburb, have a map of the omnibus route printed on your note-paper. Even smart women travel in omnibuses now. Learning to Laugh.—This is very difficult. There are now so few things to laugh at. This manual, and my other one—for | men—may supply a want. SURGEONS, PLEASE NOTE. Very interesting is the statement contained in the daily | Press that a clever operator has succeeded in transferring the | eyelid of a defunct porker to a human being who had, unfortu- nately, lost his own by accident. The principle of this trans- ference suggests the following operations which might be successfully carried out without materially injuring the bulk of the patients. - 1. To take some of the cheek of the average Trades’ Unionist agitator, and give it to a retiring and modest member of society. 2. Exchange a little of Mr. Att-n Upw-rp’s greece for an equal portion of Sir E.t-s Asum-p B-rtt-tr’s turkey. . To remove portion of Dr. T-NN-n’s_jaw. : 4. To take the nerve of a steeplechase rider, and transfer it to the Spanish Cabinet in dealing with the Cuban difficulty. 5. Any Barrister on the look-out for an appointment would benefit greatly by obtaining the ear of either the Lord Chan- | cellor or Home Secretary. I 6. Portion of a cat, applied vigorously to the back of any street ruffian or wife-beater. Tee Parapiss or Pawnsrorers.—Borrowdale. senof ee a Ee

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DecemBer 4, 1897.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AMONG THE ROARING FORTIES; P| y, 2 Or, The New Ménageric of Letters, ae f ty () Mt " [Mr. ALozRNON CuARLEs SwINBURNE, in a letter to the 7imes, complains F C = | bitterly that when, “in this decadent month,” the demise of the pupesegent iant gooseberry is followed by the resurgence of “ that ridiculous | monster,” an Snglish Academy of Letters, his name should receive the un- solicited honour of association with so “ uni inable a gathering;”’ what, indeed, he might call a ‘‘colluvies literarum.”’ He strongly resents the | « adulation of such insult.’’) Wuen the fiends of fog are on Autumn’s traces, The herald of Yule and the year’s decay Smears the lungs and smothers the faces With slime that slithers and germs that slay ; And the amorous microbe leaves his lair, And walks abroad with a wicked air, And unabashed the wanton chases By nebulous noon his palsied prey. For the Silly Season is past and over, Gone with the equinoctial gales ; bie a the bride news | sea-rover, as cur t i i neing scales ; And the giant goosebe mliianetites Lies in the limbo of all things rotten, The savour that clings to last year’s clover, The loves that follow the light that fails. Where shall they find what next they shall say to us, Give AeA our — yy new-sent yon What air pressman play to us, Worn to a thread with the jaunts of June? For to set the jaded limbs astir Is as food and drink to the pi yer, And it means the deuce if, p for pay to us, Never a heart shall heed his tune. But see! for a ballet is set before us, Figures that limp on feet of lead, Ss Two score and all sonerous, Coouned ot paper upon the head! Past the thymele each one wobbles FAIR PLAY. — w, —— yo “IT mOPE You PLUMPED vor GicoLEs, Miss Wumr! Zyerr Vorr | . 18 OF VALUE.” Avozenon Cxantee! as I live by bread! ‘Wet, I’ A MIND TO; BUT, THINKS I, PROGRESS 18 GOOD, BUT | for Vandals, THERE 's 80 NG TO BE SAID FOR Mopgration. So I svat | uM ? maze HALVED MY n VorTEs BETWEEN you !” | Sed nthe sheen of my winete sandal, | ‘ellow ‘auns by w nd ways Shall I parade in a vulgar buskin OUR OORRESPONDENCE COLUMN. ith ruminant Srvses and stolid Ruskin, Ewquinan.—Nothing is easier than to get taken on to the Not fit to hold two half-penny candles staff of any cman r. The fact that’ you have never had To A. C. 8. in his palmy days? anything published yer, don’t understand politics, and can’t | For I sang of the garb and gait unstudied > oy meg for ~~ 4 Any editor would snap you up. Try Of nal routs that and ran ; J ou Wan. "Don't believe his story, but keep your eye | Of the cheek of Dryad and Nymph full-blooded a ya . rs =— "| : on the female type-writer. That warmed at touch of the warming Pan ; - yO We should hardly like to advise you to marry Littiz Tomuy.— Who then dares marry my Muse with these, : ; A A This Kiterarum colluvies? the pretty girl at the pastry-cook’s on the ten shillings a term On him and his print and his staff that budded cop Ng ay By Ty te eG " ruggle I lay the curse of my lips that ban. would only be possible by dint of the strictest economy. Have I not said, O Times, and sworn it, Heavrweicnt.—It is certainly very annoying to find that the By all oaths valid on earth and sea new armchair is too small for you to get into. Try a shoe-horn. That while one blast is left to my cornet Gueex.—Yes, it was Heten who fired Troy, but who Troy Not, if I know it, shall these thi be? was, and why she “fired” him, and what place she “fired” him Not till the lion shear his locks out of, we do not know. ) And share his crib with the craven ox W. K. W.—You should write another poem, like the one you Not till the fiery unyoked hornet bone, senb by and send it somewhere else. We're full up here i mere rming or next forty years. ae i — pes Coox.—The following is a good receipt for the dish named, | but we are not coming to dinner with you on the night you try Mrxep.—Among the licenses for music and dancing —_s by | it. Place in a saucepan a pint of green (unshelled), add the L. C. C. on Friday last were several for the above-men- | cigar-ends and ora 1 to taste ; thoroughly for one | tioned joyous objects, but coupled “ with undertakings!” This | hour; strain through a sieve; then go out to dinner and leave is from gay to grave with a vengeance! The singers will become | the new dish for the servants. mutes, and the bier be drawn by the barmaids! = Suburban Hospitality. , = only rest that a busy and successful City man takes i: [Scext—A_mile and a half to the railway station, on a bitter inte-rest,” and of this he gets as much as he can. £ winter's night. Genial Host (putting his head ge J doors). Heavens! what a Foorsatt. should be the classic game for Australia, as being | night! Not fit to turn a dog out! (To the parting guest.) Well, essentially “ Anti-podean.” good night, old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemper 4, 1897, al Me ulBOM ~~] val \ \ + a l \\i 5) il’ a BLASEE. ‘Now I'M GoInG To READ You A PreTTy Story, DEAR—ALL AROUT THE GARDEN or EDEN !” ‘*On, MUMMY, PLEASE, NOT THAT onE. I'm SO TIRED OF THAT Story OF THE ADAMSES !” “POTTED ZULU.” [At a meeting of the Newbury Board of Guar- dians recently it appeared from a statement made y Mr. Berwnow that the inmates of the “ House ” objected to being ted once a week on “ potted Zulu.””) In wrath the “inmates” have rebelled— Yet how should they keep cool, who By cruel fortune are compelled To live on potted Zulu ? We sympathize with them, indeed, The man must be a ghoul, who Would force a brother man to feed On prime young potted Zv!a. But Mr. Bernon on the Board Is not the sort of fool, who Would leave the mystery unexplored— Viz., what is “potted Zulu”? He finds the knowledge of the map Po by paupers too loose, =~ = not know, nor care a rap, Whence come their potted Zulus. To them, no doubt, is Teneriffe The same as Honolulu— And that is why Australian beef They christen “potted Zulu.” Then let no good philanthropists Their heads, as oft they do, lose— It’s really beef, the Board insists, It isn’t potted Zulus! ’Arry of Cockaigne, having heard the word “Bacchylides” recently mentioned, } | wishes to know if it means “Lidies as smoke ci Ya | Tuere’s the Princess of Tutrpatan, SPORTIVE SONGS. A Roving Bachelor e ters a Beauteous Lady in a@ Railway Carriage, and falls deeply in love, which-runs but roughly for him. A lady of highest ; There’s the Countess Garnanzos-Muran, Who is wed to a Spanish grandee ; There’s the Viscountess TouraLamMops, Who Cotvmsa P. Qurrx used to be; There ’s the Lady FirzPorcetatns Spopr— But what are these beauties to me? There are damsels as well by the score! Miss Luctnpa La Careme-pz-La-Creme! Ladies Berry and Bramcet a Duplex burners of both the same e! | Countess Orea Ducninka Harzorr an sae Duck from the broad Yuyder And Miss Perxrxson Prrars-MoSoorr |— But what are these beauties to me? They may ao with the light of thei | eyes They may charm with their prattle and | smiles ! They may tease with the temper that tries! | | witch and may wheedle with | es | Ry =e coo with the voice of the dove! | y may flirt with felicity free! | They may languish with long looks of love! | But what are these beauties to me? Fairest roses may bloom on their cheeks, _ And the lilies shine fair on their brows, | And their forms be so many antiques Not restrained by what Fashion allows! | Their locks may be auburn or brown, Ravenswing or all Klondyke to see, Tresses worthy to mesh all the town !— But what are these beauties to me? I am writing with fervour and flame; I am thinking of you, only you! I may not, alas! know your name, Nor that too speedy journey renew. But a title you have that is mete, sas of graces, “ your grace,” you must In the Peerage of Peris all sweet! You’re the Duchess of Drwpizs to me! Six months after! With still trusting heart To my cousin’s I f° for a spell. She is what they call stylish and smart, And no matter how long since a belle. We are chatting. A knock at the door! And there enters a maiden. ’Tis she! “Are you ill?” “No; the heat, nothing more!” Tis the Duchess of Diwpies with tea! Over the Walnuts and the Wine. Old Mr. Borman (ardent Radical). What with the Indian Frontier business, the Engineers’ Strike, the troubles in East and — Africa, the posing Sea dispute, = the occupation o t, it is my firm belief that the British” Empire is being reduced to a skeleton. In fact, it is going to the dogs, Sir! Unconvinced Nephew (enlightened Tory): And wouldn’t the dogs enjoy the picking of the skéleton’s bones, eh, uncle ? : [Old Mr. B. abruptly joins the ladies. Toe most meportant State oF THE Barris Emprre.—The state of the Navy and Army.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decewner 4, 1897. |

SS > = ———_ > SS. -<-- SS Se.

THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE. Jonny But. “RECRUITS COMING IN NICELY, SERGEANT?” Recrurrine Serczant Punon. “NO, SIR. THE FACT IS, MR. BULL, IF YOU OAN’T MAKE IT BETTER WORTH THEIR WHILE TO ENLIST,—YOU'LL HAVE TO SHOULDER A RIFLE YOURSELF!!”

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Page 11

December 4, 1897.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261

a inl \\ Ras se we we ~ as I T i) _ ads | i a \\ a — = ~ PoTtrep SEA Lion cr yon SEALS ARE CHEAP TO-DAY! A Fancy Portrait of Sir Wilfrid Laurier in the Canadian Store, [As the first-fruits of Sir Witrrip Lavrrer’s policy, it is stated that th: Canadian Government “ has taken premises in the City, shortly to be opene: as a Store for the sale of general Canadiar. products.” — Daily Chronicle

IN MEMORIAM. SIR CHARLES EDWARD POLLOCK. “Last of the Barons!” lo! the sudden call Summons you hence across the silent land To where at His Assize, the Judge of all, Themselves, the judges of the earth must stand. Not much shall then avail that legal art Splendid, that set you other men above ; But much the record how with perfect heart You learned and practised all the law of Love.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. By a notable coincidence, two novels, almost simultaneously published, take recent historical epochs for their field, and for the puppets of their plot borrow famous characters. In God Save the Queen (Cuatro anp Winpus), Mr. Atten Uprwarp reveals a hitherto unsuspected conspiracy that gathered round the QuEEN’s accession upon the death of Wit1am tae Fourts. In For Love | of @ Bedowin Maid (Hurcmnson), Lz Vorzur deals with the time of NaPoitgon, dating his unexpected return to Paris after the Italian campaign, down to his final return to the capital after Waterloo. It is a rattling story, full of strange adventure, its hero, St. Just, having one of those charmed lives which distin- guished T'om® Burke of Ours, Charles O’Malley, and other of Lever’s heroes. In the chapters dealing with the search for the hidden treasure in the subterranean Bedouin city, Lz Votzur is not beyond suspicion of mgs hy (conveyed, the wise call it) from Mr. cee Mosseae. | t the sagacious mote ‘ey | inquire too closely whenee his good things are provided. a | Cane, ee ee ee > ae See Secegee Mr. Upwarp, wi weaving a t story, ing su in | investing both scenes and characters with vraisimilitade. In this year of jubilee, it is capetteny interesting to learn how narrowly we escaped having a King in 1837 instead of a Queen. There is dainty tragedy, says my Baronitess, in The Fairy Changeling, a short poera by Dora Siczrson (Mrs. CLEMENT Sorter). The other poems which fill the little volume are chiefly on old Irish legends, whose charm lies in their quaint pathos. Joum Lawn of the Bodley Heed is the publisher. Klondyke must prove a welcome mine for the exploration ot ba | omens. Seated sepeatelly by a my fire is the only way to thoroughly appreciate Hunting for ny (F. V. pn a ASS A Tozen cou Ww t y fren bien off be. haw eeuse to dle for. Anything the’ 1spEt writes for adventurous boys is welcome. Nothing of Hume’un interest is unpalatable ta our Baronitess. More Beasts for Worse Children. Verses by H. B., pictures by B. I. B. what unkind of the anonymous poet and artist to qualify the title so comparatively. No doubt the violent attitude of the tomato-coloured animal, of a Jabberwockian period, on the cover, will have much to account for this “ wuss- ness” of his small friends. (Published by Epwarp ARwno xp, London and New York). Better and happier children will enjoy the acquaintance of The Dumpies, discovered by Frank Ver- Brox, who must have revealed their existence to ALBERT Broztow Paring, for he has written the history of these delightful | little people who, from an economical sense of proportion, dwell | in Low Mountains; should it not have been “the Big-e-low | Mountains?” (Kzoan, Pavt & Co.) For youthful zoological | students the Hon. W. J. Fortescue tells a simple unvarnished Story of a Red Deer in his Devonshire home. The deer is red, and so will this story be. (Macmittan & Co.) The heroine of The Beth Book (Hetnemann) is one of Saran Granp’s most fascinating creations. With such realistic art is her life set forth that, for a while, the reader will probably be under the impression that he has before him the actual story of a wayward genius compiled from her own genuine diary. It is, the na who y i the work, ventures to think, a Grand mistake on the part of the gifted authoress that she should have written any portion of this book with such a special purpose in view as must necessarily limit the recommendation of its perusal to a comparatively narrow circle, not “a vicious circle,” but one com of “those who know,” and who grieve, with Hamlet, that “ever they were born to ret ight.’ Apart from this reservation, the story is absorbing; the trith to nature in the characters, whether virtuous, ordinary, or vicious, every reader, with some experience of life, will recognise. One of the most dramatic situations in it reminds the Baron of an exactly similar scene in Mrs. Epwarps’ Morals of Mayfair where, in the latter, hero and heroine are caught by the rising of the tide. In The Beth Book the heroine, with one of her tempo- rary lovers, is also caught by the rising of the tide, and has a very narrow escape. The Legend of Camelot, &c. (Brapsurny, Aonew, & Co.), is a genuine re-publication de lure of Groner pu Mavurigr’s pic- tures, ry, and prose, that from time to time originall appeared in Mr. Punch’s es. The of Camelot recal the maddest period of the “ A’sthetic , ow Messrs. Mardle, P. hwaite, & Co., a quite “too-too precious” set of noodles, attitudinising, sighing, groaning, moaning to the last, received their coup de grace from the sharp-pointed pass and pen of our cynical artist, Gzoncz pv Maurier. The ughable Nursery Rhymes in the funniest French are illustrated with a weird, grim-goblin humour that is best described as “ Du- Maurieresque ” ; while his “Society story” of Mr. and Mrs. Jack pe not only points a moral, but + us just a pen-and- inkling of the germs of the idea which, at a much later date, was to come to fruition as Trilby. From a literary, as well as from an artistic point of view, this volume is most welcome. Tue Banon ve B.-W.

‘“AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM.” (“In avery short time the hounds were actually in view of him, and but for that abominable open earth my tale would not be cut so short.”’}

Brer For. “ But yor THe Oren Eartu, | snovnip pr Talirss!”

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262 PUNCH, OR THETLONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempzr 4, 1897,

“ \ Ah \ ih

| a? '- fis Wi HA’ an hh f ' SR we | PE irae af Aittnnites’ Go - ull! SMU ntti, a," iu) ~~, > FP >. —< (4 -. we , Up 1 Pin = a 4 N i] € 4

A BAD EXAMPLE FROM VIENNA! Our ARTIST TRUSTS HE MAY NOT BE A PAINED SPECTATOR OF THIS SORT OF THING IN THE COMING PARLIAMENTARY SESSION, WHEN THE ARMY AND THE L.C.C. COME UP FOR DISCUSSION ye

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| Decoumen 4, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ODE ON A LONDON TRAM. | (Afflicted by Locomotor Atay.) I xnow the tram | Milan Copenhag Of Moscow, Ope en. | Nice, Prague, 5 ut ne’er ste in A wheeled ofur That made me swear | In ry so profanely ’ | As this ramshackle tram | I’m “taken worse, | And rage and rave with wild despair on The pace of this suburban tram! I’d rather cram They hardly crawl Like this machine That plies between Kew Bridge and Town. I grind each molar With wrath when on this snail-like tram | Why should I sham A smothered—monosyllable At this conveyance soul-d i estroying ? No, loud I’ll shout, “ Stop! let me out!” "Twill more avail A ’bus to hail— A pirate ev’n were less annoying Than this funereal London tram ! SOME MORE RUMOURS. Nor only is it denied that the Channel Islands are to be given up to France, but also that Gibraltar is to be handed over to Sala. ow oleae any intention of taking in . _It is untrue that Valencia Island is to be given to Russia, to form the long wished- for port on the Atlantic. The concession offered in return—a small reduction of the duty on English electric cabs in Turkestan —was consi i cient. The report that the Isle of Man is to be handed over to the United States, as a small token of the unalterable and unre- qies affection of this country, is contra- dicted. It is believed that a certain very eminent novelist threatened to put all the Ministers into his next book if the one place which he knows an mg hg were interfered with, and t idea was rer gra at once a. Never- theless, according to the newspapers public speeches in this country, our affec- tion for our dear brothers across the At- lantic is more fervent than ever, blood being thicker than water. Their affection for us continues much the same as it has been for the last few and} rumour, but t gift the i ial ; i fi | " | Ira | hg i | t THE FIRST WALK OF THE CONVALESCENT. man navy, at present at Kiao-Chau Bay, has been ordered to Cowes; or that the Kaiser himself has pre the plans for transforming Osborne House into an im- Pp ble fortress. The cession of Heligo- and may have given some grounds for thi ift, having failed to produce sincere affection we so con- | stantly crave, is hardly likely to be followed | recedent. I WAIT FOR THEE (A Fin-de-Sitcle Love Song.) I warr for thee Beside the stile, Once more to see That sweet, sweet smile. Despite of snub Clinger these -} to the ;

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (December 4, 1897. bs Hae we wes — _ No 7 \) Ss ~N pew. (SN \, A \) \W “US Bt OW : a 4 ANOTHER IRISH OBSTRUCTION. Colonel O' Funk. “‘1 say, my MAN, WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT RaiL?” Pat. ‘* Noruine.” Colonel O' Funk. ‘‘Tuex, WiLL YOU TAKE IT DOWN, AND I'LL CLEAR IT!” THE L. F. B. VADE MECUM, Question. What is the general impression of the Public of the members of the Fire Brigade ? newer. That they are models of effi- ciency and the bravest of the brave. Q. Is this opinion justified by facts? A. To a large extent. The men are all that they should be, and if efficiency is not | complete, it is the fault of the authorities. Q. Who are the authorities? _ A. The members of the London County Council. Q. What is the record of this body as regards the Fire Brigade ? A. That they contrived by their inter- ference to lose the services of one of the best of Superintendents, although they were fortunate enough to secure the assist- ance of a worthy successor. Q. How do you know that the present head of the Fire Brigade is a worthy suc- cessor to his predecessor. A. Because that is the opinion of the ar mgary ot an opinion shared by the . Has the Superintendent any chance of Sistinguishing Rimself ? : 4. Scarcely ; because the material with which he has to work is ridiculously dis- proportionate to his needs. Q. Give an instance in support of this statement. A. A recent fire in the City absorbed the entire stock of fire-engines available in the Metropolis. Had there been another large fire at the same moment, it would | have had to burn itself out free from the —— x the inn reretul a s not this a di state : y x ly disgraceful, b dicul . Not only di , but ridiculous. Q. — | is such a situation allowed to continue A. Because the authorities are accus- tomed to cheese-paring and luck. Q. Do you mean so long as the condition of affairs remains undiscovered they will trust to chance to avoid disaster A. Ido. For instance, in the matter of the recent fire to which I have alluded, luck stood their friend. The first con- ion exhausted the resources of the L. F. B., but there was no second blaze of the first order to complete the object lesson. Q. me een bm called to Pe: matter in the pages newspapers A. Certainly; and with th rivable from the schemes suggested during a ni ys wonder. inne Q. Are those schemes usuall A. No, they are not y ; y dropped when the wonder of the nine days is s by a marvel of a fortnight later. . Has not the recent fire also bro to light a mass of circumlocution —_ - ho oe dp. - it ; wi great good ’ ing may be done to mend matters in that connection. ie "making i rule to obtain coal ° it a for tho « ioe ray te ey sup} improving ‘ Py, all Coat be onoagh ? of Engl fog FA Bon i n to i y on the principle that a moiety of a loaf is preferable to no bread. Q. But surely the public conscience is pe, =p te . ; but, ju deat, this doesnot amount to much. . Make your meaning plainer. A. The public conscience will be produc- tive of tons of talk, and then i ren resume its slumbers until the next disaster. ODE TO AN OYSTER. (By an amorous Bivalvian, who is blocked out of the Counter at Luncheon-time.) I rove thee, gentle oyster; yet I ween Thou knowest not thy lover or his mien. Thou canst not know me, since I still await Thy chaste arrival on the dubious plate, And watch, with all but evident distress, My rivals who around thy charms still press, While I ay love to thes may not yet tell When quivering upon the . shell ! Think not, dear oyster, that I mean you ill But — whe despair i ales recognise my is When, armed with stout and copious bread- and-butter, I may but take but little snacks and sips, lips And Chili-vin home or lemon-juiced, come Nore sy Darsy Jonzs.— When the Automatic Starter is fully established, we shall also have the Automatic Jockey, the Automatic Horse, the Automatic J' (who will “click” when the automatic eee vt), and the Automatic sad ub always willing to give a decision by placing a £5 Jublles piece in the slot. A wEaLTHy and healthy man who is a systematic bler, finds his counterpart ina beautifally-situsted stream which goes on perpetually murmuring. A propos or THE Racine Last WEEK.—- jan here iechaps arrayed a a. trically-li colou jackets ca Then agit the J or the Public would ever be in a fog. at Derby and Warwick some the contests were assuredly mist-eries. Ir is a virtue, and yet the only one that cannot be even named without win. It is Sin-cerity. While longing, love, to press you to my | Come then, mine oyster, redolent of foam, e ! Come home, mine oyster fair, come home! |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —Decemsen t 4, 1397. Chocolat Menier seeceosorrose SHOCSSSSSOSOSCSOOOOS FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. DAILY CONSUMPTION, 50 TONS. Sold Retail Everywhere. COLDEN BRONZE HAIR. mee + on ~ a can be to Ha olour b « RINE. old only by W WIN TEM, 472, ¢ Oxtord st, London Price 5s. éd., 10s. p Ad, 2ls. For oe ci p75 ~~ Ma AKIN Bi +* uable Suvorys Moores} USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. | | geld ee erywhere. In Tins 17 1/-, 2/-, 5/-, 10/- | The Exceptional Quality of these EERINGS sian Dicsaheaas (HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur. For Connoisseurs. — SAHARA (Turkish) CIGARETTES. —_——_——_ - — | Delicious Cigarettes is guaranteed by the name and trade mark of the SOLE MANUFACTURERS: 'W. D. & H. 0. WILLS, Ltd, j| TYPHOID FEVER. OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT | STATEMENT— ‘* Wherever the has been introduced TYPHOID FEVER HAS DISAPPEARED.” Sold Everywhere. Sole Makers : J. Defries & Sons, Limited, 147, Houndsditch, B.C, =a * "GO CHARTREUSE. LIQUEURS OF THE | DELICIOU8—COMFORTING. Ask for GRANT'S, and cone be put off with inferior ma’ BILLIARD TABLES,—THURS. Strand, OW C. tha dhesk cotabtiched and toad” ing house in the trade. Sole Warrantof Her Majesty, Billiard Tables and requisites of the finest q' finish. Prices moderate. Ss tied to Bar ‘ An be ” Palace. Windsor Castle, and These can be attached to any Best Ivory Balls, CO. (Lt4.), 16, Catherine Street, Luxury Shaving Tablets - 1/- Amerioan Shaving Tabiets 6d. Sold by Chemists, Hair- dressers and Perfumers all over the world, or mailed to any address on receipt of “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S price in stamps, by The J. B. Witttams Co, 64, Great Russell Street, London, W.C., or 161, Clarence Street, Sydney. FACTORIES — CLASTONBURY, CONN., U.S.A. AMERICAN SHOES ~™ — iy AMERICAN SHOE -_

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Decemper 4, 1897. PREMIER VINOLIA ~ SOAP. Keeps the Complexion Beautiful and Clear.

1s. per Box of 3 Tablets. ee VINOLIA POWDER. Roughness, Toilet, &c.

In White, Pink, and Cream Tints. 1s. and 1s. 9d.

3d. per 2 oz. Packet. VINOLIA VIOLET POWDER. Specially prepared for Toilet and Nursery Use.

In 2 oz. Packet, 3d. in Quarter-Pound Tin or Packet, 6d. PREMIER VINOLIA DENTIFRICE.

6d.

DMinor Ts i"

Keeps the Teeth ys <a Ivory White, 2 (JENTIFR CEs Healthy, and a r Beautiful. 9

In Glass Bottle, 6d. in Metal Boxes, 6d. and 1s.

6d. LYPSYL.

A Coralline Emollient for Dry, Rough, Cracked, or Pallid Lips.

In Rose-Red and White Tints, 6d. and Is.

6d. VINOLIA SHAVING STICK, Causes no Blotches. Yields a Splendid Lather.

PREMIER.

VINOLIA SHAVING CREAM. For using without Brush and Water. In Collapsable Tube, 1s,

6d. per Stick. BLONDEAU CARBOLIC TOOTH POWDER. Soothing to Tender Gums and Sensitive Teeth.

In Metal Boxes, 6d. and 1s. VINOLIA CREAM. For Itching, Face Spots,

and Eczema. 1s. 14d. and 1s. 9d.

BLONDEAU PERFUMES.

Concentrated— Delicate— Pure. White Rose Lily of the Valley Frangipanni Wallflower Amaryllis Patchouli Millefleur Hyacinth Opoponax Musk Rose White Lilac Ylang Ylang Honeysuckle White Helio- Violette de Jasmin trope Parme Wood Violet Musk Chypre Ess. Bouquet Rondeletia Mignonette Maréchal Niel Ambergris Violet Jockey Club Narcissus Clematis New Mown Hay Stephanotis Peau d’Espagne

6d. per Bottle and upwards. VINOLIA TOOTH PASTE. Antiseptic—Astringent. Delicately Perfumed.

Cleanses and Whitens the Teeth without in any way injuriously affecting the Dental Structures.

In Collapsable Tube, 6d. VINOLIA POMADE. Natural to the Hair and Scalp. Imparts a fine Silkiness to the Hair.

In White Opal Vase, 1s. LAIT VINOLIA. (Non-medicinal.)

For the Complexion.

Keeps the Skin Sof and of a Velvety Appearance In Opal Bottle, 9d.

Printed by William Stuart ®mith, of No. 30. Lora Road, hss ° w ine Holloway, im the Parish of St. Mary, Street, in the County of Islington, in Middlesex, at the Offices of M Brad 'e * ., Limited, of Whitetriars, in the City of London, and published 6 kim et No. OS, Fleet Steet, in the Panieh of GL boise Wier on Barwncat, Decumber 4, 0" au of Londen. —Sarvacar,

Sisxpence. Price Tivvksectlera, and Newsagents. <t att BRookstatia, ISOS for -