Punch 1897-06-12: Vol 112 Iss 2918

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“PUNCH” DIAMOND JUBILEE NUMBER ge will be given as the ordinary Current Number next wek “@®@ — making in all 36 pages— caer at ne usual | price, 3d, [PUNCH opries.

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> « w > wW 0 wW z 0 J} oO 2 a | a er / , TE omens a a —— i ae lA I < eae ee SE STEED Va. ETN EATIM.L Bs" aT Sane Ateatatetetnn 2 an ates accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. PRICE THREE PENCE. 6@ NOTICE.—Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will not be returned unless re stb san ’ asi y tt,

af asst nando ’ 1 7). MA, TS PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON, PURE 4 CONCENTRATED () E: () A COCOA, COMBINATION OF FRY'S PURE COCOA & MALT EXTRACT ( seni)

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BEDFORD. Ploughs, Harrows, Cultivators, Haymakers, Horse Rakes, Straw Trussers, Mowers, Hay Presses, Oil Engines, & Light ailways. “PUNCH” is being set up every week by LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. | EVERY HOME is beautified by PHOTOCRAPHS ano PHOTOCRAVURES AFTER CELEBRATED PICTURES. lUustrated V Catalogue {/ ~ BERLIN PEOTOCO., 133, New Bond Street, LONDON, W TDMaN’ 8 SEA SALT. sTrowisep by the ROYAL FAMILY. A REAL SEA BATH IN YOUR OWN ROOM. EXTRACTED FROM THE FOAMING BILLOWS BEWARE of WORTHLESS and INJURI- OU8 IMITATIONS CAN BE USED AT ANY DESIRED TEMPERATURE “KODAK isa POSITIVE NECESSITY during the JUBILEE WEEK. Take views yourself of what you see. ** You press the button— and we do the rest.” No. 2 BULL’S-BYE. Price loaded for 12 exposures, 38/6 The POCKET KODAK. Price loaded for 12 exposures, £1 15. INastrated Price List free. EASTMAN maccrts: 118 Oxford Street, and 60 Cheapside, is 7 Ltd,, LONDON. | £598 15s. in PRIZES for Kodak Pictures. Send for Circular } | “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-PAMED BLOOD MIXTURE Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities, from whetever cause arising. For Scrofula, Scurvy, Eezema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Diseases, Pimples and Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- vellous. It is the only real specific for Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes the caus from the blood and bones, Thousagds of wonderfal cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2s. 9¢. and 11s. each, of Chemists everywhere. BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. OR THE PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARL—June 12, 1897. (Jovv & ILvER, Pe neil cases with boxes of ene bearing the registered __S.Mordan Oe can be obtained fr from ail Jewellers & Stafioners . “HEAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” ASK FOR MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (Reop.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” BRITISH FIELD SPORTS BILLIARD TABLE. THE MOST MAGNIFICENT TABLE EVER BUILT.—ON VIEW AT ORME & SONS, Lo, 16, SOHO SQUARE, LONDON. MAKERS BY ROYAL APPOINTMENT. A Boon to Cyclists Burnip’s (Patent) Chain Brush Cleans your Chain in Two Minutes. Price \ 1/-/ Bold by Cycle Dealers Mence NO NEED Smith and other Oil men, Iron- FOR A nen, CEAR CASE. Aww a Post Free, 1s. 1}4., of KREUGER & CoO., 10, Eastecheap, London, E.C. Kindly mention “ Punch.” SOLID SILVER PLATE. The Finest Stock in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, Show Rooms: |, RECENT ST., W. (Apsoin ino Sreneoscoric Compan rt.) of ONLY ADDRESS: Noconnection with Worth of Paris. WORTH et Cie. (Under Royal Patronage) SPECIALITY IN } CORSETS * A separate department for + Gentlemen for every class Corset. 134, NEW BOND ST., W. For Delicate Children. SQUIRE’S CHEMICAL FOOD. In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 6d., & 6s. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS anv STORES, ano or SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, __ 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. “# Loved of all ladies. "—* Much Ado,” Act L., Se. 1. ADAMS’ FURNITURE Aso ron Baown Boors, Parent Leatuen, =... ano Enametsep Goons. THE OLDEST AND BEST. UNEQUALLED for its BRILLIANCE and CLEANLINESS. POLISH FOR COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, dc., DRINK VIGHY CELES TINS six Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. Sole Importers: INCRAM & ROYLE, 52, FARRINGDON STREET, LONDON, E.C. ee ee ee ee ee ee a a ee | The NEW COFFEE. Delicious, and enjc -—-——=— = ~+-- ed by those who can take no other,” -—— = = ee ee ee ORIENT COMPANY'S by the steamship ip GARONNE, a tons re Cauisi rom LONDON as und Yor NORW Leaving 23rd June, returni ng For SORWAY *FIORDS and SP TZBERGR Lesvitgs Zind July, returning h August For BALTIC CANAL, PETER RSRURG STOCKHOLM, WISHKY, COPENHAGEN, Chk. —— A, oe. Leaving ‘25th August, returning 29 tem tring Goad. electric light, re ons Cold batiy high-class cuisine. Managers: F. Green & ¢ Anderson, Anderson & Co. neiead Offices, Fenchung Avenue. For passage ay Se to “= latter firm, ¢ . Fenchurch Avenue, E.C., or w te West- End Branch Office, 16, Ceelapar Street, ay ORIENTAL CARPETS Sold at Wholesale Prices TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Price List. o CELLULAR SHIRTS AND UNDERWEAR. HEALTHIEST AND KEST FOR ALL SEASON » IMATES. TQustrated Price List of full range of Cellwar Goods for Men, Women, and Children, seut t free on application. OLIVER BROTHERS, Ltd., New Bond &.,* OLIVER KROTHERS, ie. tlt, Oxford Street, ¥ KOKERT SCOTT, Ltd., 14 and 15, Pout 2c And Agents in all Tonnes tn the tnited ki See Price List for Names. “Enjoys general favour.”—Law#. ts COPYRIGHT How To DisimFect” Stat race Tne anitas CPt Gretw ‘Safe, pleasant, & useful.” —Low ROWLANDS owe nt face and dust, KALYDO to the hot san and ¢# eradicates les, &c., ast sunburn, ten, produces a beautiful and “delicate com- plexion. Bottles, 2s. 3d. and 4s. 64. ODONTO Gecay. and givens pies fragrance to the breath. 2s. 94. per reserves and MACASSAR OIL bums o =, one a". be also Ast in a golden colow Sizes, — Chemists “he | Rowlands) articles 7 post on receipt of postal order.

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| June 12, 1897.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 277 t- Jus f a £8 hy aide es = GAINS } “AB vs Sa " - age i> DOUBTFUL. Dick, ‘‘ Eva, WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE Green PeAs witH Duck?” Eva (who is absorbed in the third volume of ‘‘One Heart, One Pant”). ‘‘ On—I—P’RAPs BECAUSE THE Ducks LIKE IT!” HOW TO SEE THE PROCESSION. (By One who has Thought it out.) Or course, you must be out early. As the traffic will be stopped soon in the morning, you must rise betimes. Perhaps, to insure this, you had better not go to bed overnight; then you are sure to be ready by dawn. : Say that you want to get to a window in Piccadilly. Of course, if you insist you don’t, it upsets the calculation. Well, if you live south of Buckingham Palace Road, your best way is by the Embankment, over Hammersmith Bridge, and then by easy stages to Hyde Park Corner. Once there, all you have to do is to send for a balloon. If you wish to get to the Strand, and live at Brixton, you can start early, and find your way to Victoria Station. Now ou will have to cross the line of route at Jestminster. As this may be difficult, you should make friends with the autho- rities, and mount either the Clock Tower or the roof of Westminster Abbey. If this fails, you may get a “Cannon King” from the nearest theatre of varieties, and ask him to shoot you from his gun to your place of destination. But perhaps the best way of all to see the object of your search is to miss the present Jubilee, and wait for the proces- sion in the next. A VERY DESIRABLE GEM IN THE QUEEN’s Diamonpd Jvusitzez Crown. — The un- blemished Star of South Africa. LITERARY RECIPES. (From Our Own “‘ Authors’ Cookery-Book."’) The Romance.—This dish is very popular just now. Take the language, manners and costumes of the last three centuries, and mix them thoroughly. Having stirred well, drop in a hero of superhuman strength, a fresh young titled heroine, and the blackest villain obtainable, and when this mixture begins to simmer, add six murders, two suicides, and three elopements. Garnish with illustrations, and serve up in a volume of five hundred pages. The Society Novel.—Select half-a-dozen well-known persons, and give them transparent pseudonyms. Add a liberal portion of sauce piquante, compounded of malicious gossip, cynical aphorisms, and fashionable slang, and the dish will then be com- plete. Some authorities are im favour of including a plot in preparing the Society Novel, but this cannot be recommended. Nothing should be added to spoil in any way the perfect imbe- cility which is the distinguishing flavour of thisdish. Another of its advantages is that it can be made by anyone in an extremely short time. The Detective Story.—Take one part of Gasoriav and fifty parts of water. Add a lady of title, a comic official from Scot- land Yard, and a diamond bracelet. Strain the mixture into twelve equal parts and serve up monthly in a magazine. The “ Realistic” Character Study.—First boil down as many disagreeable stories of the Divorce Court as possible. Into this syrup pour a solution of London fog, add a few unpleasant diseases, described with full detail. Mix with a iittle dipso- mania and suicide, then slowly boil the whole. After a short time a thick scum will rise to the surface; this should be care- fully separated off and published. The rest can be thrown away. The Religious Novel.—Take a few Biblical characters, and re- write their sayings in the language of third-rate journalism. Season with a smattering of psychology, a quantity of irrever- ence, and a preface declaring that every critic is either a fool or a knave—probably both. Serve up with puff-paste. This dish is immensely popular, and can be confidently recommended. lhe Improving Book.—This dish is peculiarly well adapted for children. To a handful of priggishness add another of imbecility. The product should be gently baked, and can then be used as your juvenile hero. Add an unsympathetic parent, a runaway cab, a hospital, a lingering death, and plenty of maudlin pathos. Serve up between bright boards at. Christmas. The Superior Magazine Article.—For this purpose little more is necessary than a wholesale ignorance of politics, ether with a large share of impudence. Sign only with a ‘oe letter of the alphabet. Throw in many suggestions of your close famili- arity with the Porz, the German Empgror, and Lord Sauis- suRY. Stir these ingredients well, and serve up hot as long as editors and the public will allow you. THE OLD LEAD OF THE COURT DANCE, (To the Editor of Punch.) Sir,—As the representative of the recognised organ of the pro- fession, I beg to address you. On the of July next a Sub- scription Ball is to be held at the Middle Temple. Very properly, tickets are only to be issued to the members of that hon. society or their nominees, and the list of applications is to be closed when five hundred vouchers have been distributed. Here comes my grievance. In the circular announcing the function the following (what I venture to call) fatal e occurs: “In the event of more tickets being applied for than five hundred, the allotment will be made in order of seniority of standing of the applicant.” The italics are mine. But fancy! The ball, under such circumstances, is sure to be crowded with elderly “ silks ” and the more aged of our judges. Surely there will be something incongruous in Mr. Justice Starecein dancing “The Washing- ton Post,” while the leaders in his Lordship’s Court (all of them well over sixty) revel in the vulgar vagaries of “Kitchen Lancers” ? And I tremble to think of the Law Officers of the Crown throw- ing their hearts (and wigs) into “The Barn Dane.” No doubt, before the close of the evening, a “ Lords Justices of Appeat Quadrille” will be organised, with a “Lord High Chancellor Cotil- lon” to follow. But the climax of the sartorial exercises will be reached when the Lord Chief Justice and the Master of the Rolls start “ The Bench Sir Roger de Coverley.” But it is sad to jest with an aching heart. If all our leaders are to oust us, what are we to do of the junior Bar? It is bad enough to lose our briefs, but give us, oh, give us our dances. Yours faithfully, (Signed) Aw Ovut-at-Niont Tempar. Pump-handle Court, clo A. Briefless, Jun., Esq. June, 1897. — VOL. OxXIL r B

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{Jone 12, 1897. Yj Jf. Uy; , Jf Yi |} j j / j j yy y 4 Wj “y 4 4 f Y} \ i p Was’ Wy YY HH Ye = ctii 7 Zur ff Hit _— | — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. * ain! MM Wy, , YY E : Yi ee A; Z A FS = = S SS ~~ SV » SOS ood OS ew mene Jew ant Dea =. SASS “‘ AFRIKANDER.” H.M.S. [The Cape House of Assembly unanimously adopted the motion in favour of the Colony contributing towards the Imperial Navy.]

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| | | | of living character. June 12, 1897.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI vr. Ov Prvaly posts ‘ ‘ Rr are PAY }feEes VA. / RETRENCHMENT. Jinks. ‘‘ Don’T MEET YOU 'ERE SO OFTEN AS WE USED TO, Binks, FH?” jinks, ** WELL—wNO, JUBILEE !” Ir pon’t rUN TO A Hopgera-Box rails SEASON, BECAUSE, YOU SEE, WE'VE TOOK A WINDOW FOR THIS ‘ERE OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. The Knight’s Tale (Buackwoop), by Mrs. (or Miss?) Emuvy | Pui.ips, is a masterpiece of incoherency. No doubt, when she | sat down to write, the lady had conception of a plot, ideas My Baronite, painfully groping through | the book, discovers occasional proof of their existence. There is| a melodramatically wicked father, an incomprehensible son, a beautiful girl who loves a man and,‘to begin with, leaves him. Also, among other names occurring, are those of Mr. and Mrs. Thornton, two exceedingly commonplace persons, to whom the dizzied mind turns with gratitude. ‘The scene is chiefly laid in Paris. An attempt is made to flash upon the pages pictures of the outbreak of the Commune. This is a partial success, since it involves deafening noise and blinding smoke. In the environ-| ment characters grow more than ever indistinct, and the last | state of the hapless reader is worse than the first. A Short Life of Thomas Davis, contributed to Fisher Unwin’s new Irish Library, proves afresh how history repeats itself. Reading Sir Cuaries Durry’s accounts of O’CoNNELL’s proceed- ings during the last two years of his life, above all his references to the Liberator’s son Jonn—*“ this feeble, barren young man ”— | my Baronite recalls Committee Room 15, and all that has since happened among United Irishmen. It is true that Mr. Par-| NELL’s contemporaries and colleagues stop short of accusing | their leader of treacherous collusion with the Government. at a} time when he was openly professing to serve the Irish cause. | Sir Cuartes Durry, writing of O’Connett in 1844-5, has no such scruple. For the rest, 1895 and 1845 are linked in Irish annals by the coincidence of a state of things where Irishmen hate each other for the love of Ireland. Sir Cuaries, who lived and worked through the latter epoch, gives vivid glimpses of the men and the times. His ro, THomas Davis, brightens his pages with the lustre of a pure patriot and a man of genius. Incidentally we get a peep at Father Marnew. “If you knew Mr. Matnew,” Davis writes to Watrer Savace Lanvor, “you would relish his simple and downright manners. He is joyous, friendly, and quite unas- suming.” We of this generation did not know Father Maruew. But we have the happiness of having among us one of his blood. If anyone desired to describe in two sentences Mr. Justice Martnew, he could not improve upon Davis's characterisation of his famous kinsman. Tue Baron ve B.-W. IN A CONSERVATORY. A courLe sat out on a snug settee, A waltz in the distance droned, “ Best ball I ever was at,”’ said he She “allowed it was real high-toned.” “Do you know what I want to ask you, Nan?” And a laughing answer came, “T don’t pan out on riddles, young man, You ’d best peg out your claim.” Then he made her an offer in terms express Of his heart and hand and patrimony. “It’s a deal,” she said, “ Next fall, I guess, We ’ll meander into matrimony.” Latest News rrom tHe River.—The appearance of the Maria Wood, the once famous City barge, now lying off Isleworth Eyot, and labelled “For Sale,” does not suggest any sailing power. In fact, Maria does not look at all sale-ubrious, but, neverthe- less, is enjoying the osiers cum dignitate. That Committee ! Honest inquiry abandons hope, ’Midst a maze of fudge and a fog of fables. Our “makers of empire” want “plenty of rope,” But they rather shirk the “ cables.” INTERESTING Botanica, Stupy.—The “ Flora” of South Africa.

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280 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {June 12, 1897. HELP Vy, | A DESERVING F/7 @ | To SHOW THE! LOYALT BY ENABLING THE SECURE Conspicuous AN EXPENSIVE SE FUR THE PRUCESSY, ano ro WELCOM QUEEN in NEW & SUuITABE | COSTUMES ae ALL CONTRIBUTIO wi OLUNTARY on OTHERWS, . (GRATE FULLY ACCEPTE ae [ yi; THIS IS WHAT OUR FRIEND PENNYFATHER HAS BEEN DRIVEN TO BY THE IMPORTUNITIES OF HIs WIFE AND DAUGHTERS! REST AND REFRESHMENT. A Srupy at A Roapstpe Horet. Scene— The Coffee-room at ‘‘ The Wheel of Fortune” Hotel, about fifteen miles from Hyde Park Corner. Time—1.30 p.m. Tourists of various kinds discovered lunching at main and side tables, A Lady Cyclist (fastidiously, to her husband, as they enter). It’s perfectly stifling in here. And a fire too! On a day like ‘ this! Fancy! Her Husband. 1 was just thinking the fire looked rather jolly. Er—you haven’t overtired yourself, dear ? His Wife (very properly bristling at such an insinuation). Why, Grorer? Are you feeling as rd *d done too much ? George (with innocent complacency). Me? Rather not, Fanny. Fresh as when I started! Fanny. Then why on earth should you suppose J must be tired? (She sinks into a seat, after a glance at the mirror.) You men are such conceited things, you won’t believe any woman can possibly be as strong as you are! And yet I rode every bit as fast as you—now didn’t 1? George (who has been adapting his pace to hers). Every bit, dear. We did that last five miles in only a little over three quarters of an hour, which isn’t so bad. Fanny. I should call it very good—against such a hurricane as there is to-day! George (whose truthfulness is occasionally too much for his tact). Oh, come, you can’t call a bit of a breeze like that a hurricane! Fanny. You haven’t to bicycle in skirts. The tyranny of men compels us unfortunate women to take violent exercise in utterly unsuitable clothes, and then you turn round and wonde ! George. | must say I don’t think women look their best in knickerbockers, as a rule. Fanny. All your narrow, selfish prejudice. how they look ! George. Oh, I don’t say there aren’t cases in which this “rational costume,” as they call it, is rather becoming. That young—er—lady who has just come in, for instance, now she looks Fanny (after subjecting the newcomer to a withering glare). That creature! How she can have the audacity to appear in As if it mattered public like that, I don’t——- Can’t you see what a ridiculous and unfeminine object she has made of herself ? [George thinks it politic to express his entire agreement. A Cycling Enthusiast (a recent convert—to his Neighbour). Roads in capital condition to-day ! His Neighbour. The country is looking delightful indeed, Quite a treat to get away from smoky London! The C. E. Come from town, have you? How long did it take you to get down here, now? lis N. Why, let me see—(considering)—I left Well, a little under half an hour. The C. E. (with increased respect). Over thirty miles an hour! Why, it took me fhat are you geared to? Over seventy, eh? His N. (mildly hurt). I’m not much above fifty. The C. EB. Then what machine do you ride? His N. (conscious of inferiority). I don’t ride any machine. I came down by train—just for a stroll in the country, you know. The C. E. Ah, 1 was thinking you hadn’t the look of a wheel- man. (He loses all interest in him, and turns to his Other Neighbour.) Been riding far to-day, Sir? is Other N. (in a tone stiff with self-importance). Aw—no. Only from Hillford. The C. E. (with approval). Just a nice easy run. Wonderful how popular cycling’s become within the last two years. Why, not long ago, you and I would have turned up our noses at any- one who rode a bike, and yet, what a delightful exercise it is! His O. N. (from immeasurable heights). Cawn’t say I agree with you. The C. E. Then I expect you’re a beginner. machine of your own, yet, I daresay ? His O. N. Cawn’t say I have. Not come down to a bike yet. Aw—four legs are good enough for me. The C. E. (nettled). You’re not meaning to make yourself out an ass, are you? It’s a bad bird that blacks his own boots! His O. N. (with crushing dignity). I—ar—meant to convey that—speaking personally—l prefer to ride—aw—a norse. The C. E. Ah, no accounting for tastes, is there? (To him- self.) The side these riding feliows put on! A Veteran Cyclist (to his Companion, a Neophyte). Feel a bit stiff, eh, old man ? The Neophyte (to whom a cane chair is torture). Very comfort- able, thanks. Capital cold beef, this! The Veteran. You don’t seem to be getting on with it. Afraid you ’re rather upset by that last spill you had. The Neo. (evishing his friend wouldn’t talk so loud). Can’t think how I managed it. I was going straight enough! The Vet. Yes, old chap, but if you go straight when you ought to turn a corner ! The Neo. The confounded thing wouldn’t steer—handles askew, or something. The Vet. You must have twisted them soon after we started, running into that Jove! I thought it was all over with you that time! The Neo. You took it pretty coolly—going on and never look- ing back to see whether teak following ! : The Vet. My dear fellow, you told me you could ride all right, so naturally, it never occ to me—— The Neo. (sulkily). Well, I’ve got here, anyhow, and that’s something. The Vet. Something? If you’re half as lucky going home as you ’ve been coming out, it will be the nearest thing to a miracle I ever Are you looking for the wine list ? The Neo. No—the railway time-table. ; The Equestrian (to a New Neighbour). You’re not one of this cyclist lot, are you? His New N. Not I. as somebody called ’em. The Eq. Doosid good name for ’em too. the beggahs. His New N. They’re a noosance. Ought to be yet down, 1 say. Behaving as if the whole road belonged to ’em! The Eq. They do. What with their bells and fog-’orns, my ‘orse was as near bolting with me as makes no difference. Too me all J knoo to ’old ’im. Fact is, old England ain’t the place any longer for quiet riding-men like ourselves, who like a tittup along the ’igh road. ‘ His New N. Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve given up keeping horses—now. re The Eq. (in a burst of confidence). Well, the ’orse I’m ridin ain’t my own. It’s like this—I’ve a partickler friend who keeps a livery stables, d’ye see, and now and then, when I’ve a day ort, he lets me ’irea gee orf him very reasonable. He knows I'll bring him back none the worse, and there ’s somethink exhilars- a my mind, in feeling a good ’orse under yer—if it’s on Y a nack. Haven’t got a No opinion of ’em. “Cads on Castors,” Cawn’t git away from

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Jung 12, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. His New N. I tell you this much, if you once took to a motor- car, you’d never look at a horse again. The Eq. (impressed). Why, have you got one of these motor- cars, then ? His New N. (with superiority). Icame down here on one, Sir. Fastest thing on the road. Why, I went spinning along at the rate of — Well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you! Talk about exhilarating—a horse is a fool to it! The Eq. (with an effort at self-assertion). Aw—that’s your opinion. ’Ere, waitah, have you told ’em to bring my animal round? I’m rathah in a nurry. Waiter. The ostler was told, Sir. But I was to say as p’raps you wouldn’t mind mounting in the yard. There’s one o’ them motor-cars at the front, Sir, and they can’t get the ’orse past it. He may go quieter with you in the saddle. The Eq. o—en—anee. (With a rather pallid politeness, to the motor-car man.) Perhaps 1’d better let you start first. I'he Motor-car M. Right! Bless you, I shall be about half- way home before you can put your foot in the stirrup. In THE Bar. A Cyclist (to the Landlady). But I thought you took off some- thing tor members of the C.T.C, ? The Landlady (with beaming candour). Well, we did, Sir, but we found we had to put something on before we could take any- thing off, so we gave it up. At THE Front ENrRrance. The Owner of the Motor-car (on the driving-seat). Bless you, no, simplest thing in the world! You see, 1 move this button along the groove—that regulates the power—then press the button—so—and I’m off. . . No, it’s all right—sometimes it doesn’t start quite—— _ I’ll just get down and see if the accumu- lator (He descends.) Hi! stop it, somebody . . . Jump on toit, then! Get out of the way, you idiots! . . . Well, it won’t come to any harm on the green . . . Oh, J ’ll pay for the beastly geese! . . . Eh? a pond, is there? ... What of it? It isn’t very likely to—— Dash it all, it has! Don’t stand grinning there—come and see if there ’s any way of getting the confounded thing out, can’t you! In tHE STaBLE YARD. Crowd of Unsympathetic Cyclists (watching the Equestrian’s futile efforts to mount). Steady does it, Sir . . . Put your lefs toot on the step behind and ’op! . . . Go on, the ’orse ain’t gol no step! ... Lend ’im a ladder! . .. Now he’s up!.... Don’t clutch the ’andlebars, guv’nor! Backpedal a bit. You ought to ’ave a brake fitted to that ’orse, you ought . . . Good- bye, Sir. Don’t put your feet up going down hiit! The Eq. (haughtily, as his mount sidles crab-fashion with him out of the gates). If you fellers think I ain’t accustomed to a norse- A Cyclist. You ’re accustomed to the ’orse all right, old man— it’s the ’orse ain’t accustomed to you / The Ostler (with bitterness). Ah, you may jolly ’im, gen’lm’n, but | teil you it’s gettin’ to be a treat to me to see anyone on a ’orse—even the likes of ’im! OPERATIC NOTES. Monday, May 31.—Sudden Indisposition of Mons. Jgan DE Reszke, so 7'annhduser for Die Meistersinger. Poor “ Mons.,” not a mountain, but “a little ’ill.” Audience gradually put into excellent temper by M. Van Dyck as the much-tried lannhduser, and by Emma Eames as ’Lisbeth. Very warm mid- summer night, and Mile. Pacary as Venus much envied. Nor, is Wolfram, notable; Mile. Bavermeister, as a “ Berger,’ blooming. Conductor MaNctneLis meritorious. _Tuesday.—Aida gomg strong, i.c., Miss Susan SrRone. Encore M. Nort et Mile. Bavermeisrer., Mr. Classical-and- Mythological-Dictionary-PRrinG.e (this evidently ought to be the name, “ writ large,” of Mr. Lempriere Princie) good as Il Ré Verpi’s motto, when hesitating as to writing the now celebrated march, and get as far away as possible from other celebrated marches, must have been, “ When in doubt, play wae Friday, June 4.—Wacner’s Opera, T'ristan und Isolde, an- nounced, with two De Reszkes and Marie Brema in it. Unfor- tunately, either one, or both, of the Risky Reszkes could not sing, so Opera not Tristan und Isolde, but Trist’un (myself) and I sold-again! We have dear old Traviata, La vieille dame aus camélias fanées. Signor Ancona excellent as Germont ; SaLignac good as milksop Alfredo mio; and Mme. Savi a consummate consumptive Violetta. Everyone interested in recent South African Inquiry delighted to see Mme. Van CanTEREN looking so well as “ Flora.” Why BUY EXPENSIVE DIAMONDS WHEN YOU CAN GET A MUCH MORE BRILLIANT EF¥ECT With ELEcrnicity ! A PARALLEL. [** Services as usual.”’ Notice posted on the Jubilee Stands in St. Clement Danes churchyard. } Wuart time the enterprising tradesman tricks His premises out, from bottom floor to top, With ladders, workmen, scaffold-poles and bricks, Until the place seems hardly like a shop ; Then, just to show his house, and not his trade, Is undergoing dundry variations, You shall observe this legend there displayed “ Business as usual during alterations.” So now a church would chiefly seem to be A site whereon the sight-seer may perch ; St. Clement Danes is for the Jubilee So girt with stands it hardly seems a church. Still, though the crowds who soon those stands will fill, Exceed a dozen Sunday congregations, There is a church there—read the modest bill ” “ Business as usual during jubilations! Monkeys on the Stick-fast. Tue English Jacobites propose to “demonstrate” at the pre- sence of Prince Ruegsrt of Bavaria (who, according to their theory, ought to be Prince of Waves) in the Diamond Jubilee Procession. Mr. Punch sincerely hopes that the Prince will be heartily cheered, and understand that, in view of no change of Heir being needed by the British Constitution, the Jacko-bark is as herthioes as the Jacko-bite. Tue Justuse Carrenter’s Conunprum.—In what year of Roman History might the present aspect of the Jubilee route incline us to believe we were living ?—Consule Plank-o. (Signed) Antony A Woop.

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282 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juxe 12, 1897, |! ily x, e yy A vy Browa, ‘Dip you Ever Try THAT TAILor I RECOMMENDED TO you—Snip & Co.?” (freen. ‘Yes, Toe EXPENSIVE. Got Two SuIts FROM HIM—ONE Dress Suit, one Law Suit!” ia | / f i 1 7 tif t, j \ ] ‘4 iff, 4; ‘, } vy of ; ay ; y, |) Mi a hy Wi] H/) ff Yb WY m Ml UML (j ; fe [ WHE | i) / i Y Y | 4 a —_ SS ee - a THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER. JustLee VERSION. (With Apologies to Lewis Carroll.) The Walrus . A Jubilee Jack Tar. The Carpenter "Twas in the district called E.C., Men were, with all their might, Doing their level best to make The City gay and bright In honour of the Jubilee ; It was to be a sight! The Walrus and the Carpenter Were somewhere near the Strand ; The latter cried, “ Confound this tree! Its branches spoil my Stand! . A Jubilee Stand-builder. If all these boughs were chopped away,” He said, “it would be grand!” “If seven woodmen were to chop (Like Were) for half a year, Do you suppose,” the Walrus said, “ London of trees they ’d clear? ” “T doubt it,” growled the Carpenter. “ Some fool would interfere ! “The papers always raise a fuss When anything is done By which a man may make a bit However, I, for one, Am doing well on this here job. These Jubilees are fun!” The Carpenter his hammer took, And smote like anything. He said, “God save the Queen! ”—o/ course— j “So all the poets sing: But during this here Jubilee time The Carpenter is' king!” The Walrus stood with both his hands Plunged in his pockets, like One waiting for the pub to ope, Or workman out on strike. He winked his dexter eye, and said, “Shipmate, you ’re wide awyke ! “This job, at one-and-eight per hour, I grant you is good biz. None o’ your common four-arf now ; No, it will run to fizz! Ain’t it like that?” The Carpenter Replied, “Old salt, it is!” The Walrus gave his quid a turn, And gave his slacks a hoist. “Avast!” he cried. “When you have done With bulk, and beam, and joist, I feel, d’ye know, as I could do A drop o’ somethin’ moist!” “D’ye recollect our oyster feed?” The Carpenter replied. The Walrus said, “I do, indeed! I think on it with pride. But thoughts of yesterday’s good grub Won’t fill to-day’s inside.” “7’m on this Jubilee job, you’re not,” The Carpenter began. The Walrus winked and cried, “ Just wait ! To crown the Jubilee plan They must Review the Fleet, and then They ’ll want the Sailor Man!” “Old salt,” the Carpenter rejoined, “You ’re very right indeed! When I have made my little pile, | I hope you'll get your meed. And then, O, Walrus! won’t we have Another oyster feed!” In Anticipation of the Naval Review. Customer (to South Coast yacht-owner). 1 want to hire a jaunch during the Naval Review week. Yacht-owner. Very sorry, Sir, but we haven’t a launch left. But we’re raising a nice schooner wrecked in the Channel yonder, and I could let her to you for £200, if you’d say “done” at once. [But the word “done” frightened the customer. Two Jubilees. Tue Jewish Jubilee spread wide content. Of our Victorian one was this effect meant: For wealthy landlords an excessive rent, And for poor tenants, summary eject ment ? al —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juxx 12, 1897. | | if, ii -_ 4 Beste 2 Pee I) et get : Y my 1 LY sn Y | i , I A A” a > ea Oe. LEAT IA AO A AA AY tee ae Ze ILL OTE Oe = SSS — ef d OE ME " —— oe “THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER ” (Jubilee Versivn.) “J'M ON THIS JUBILEE JOB, YOU'RE NOT,” THE CARPENTER BEGAN. THE WALRUS WINKED AND CRIED, “JUST WAJ1 TO CROWN THE JUBILEE PLAN THEY MUST REVIEW THE FLEET, AND THEN THEY ’LL WANT THE SAILOR MAN!”

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Juve 12, 1897.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 285 “Ar SEVENTEEN YEARS OF AGE I INQUIRED Wuich 1s HE? Avr Twenty, Wo Is He! Ar TwENTY-FIVE, WHAT HAS HE! AND yow, WHERE Is HE?” TALK AT THE TOURNAMENT. (Echoes from Islington.) A itrie difficult to get to one’s seat when one has to run the gauntlet of the R.H.A. preparing for “a musical ride” in the corridor. Good thing that horses are trained not to crush civilians—at least, I hope so. Nice idea decorating Royal Box with flower-pots and muslin. Pleased to see the warrior, Dann, per- forming his customary duties with.a book and a small Union Jack—only looking, in spite of the passing years, a good deal younger. Capital notion to confine the “ dead- heads” to children from soldiers’ schools and the veterans from Chelsea. Hospital. Improvement te have no background for “ the combined display,” as the painted canvas representing an Afghan fort not only took up space, but leoked ridiculous. Another alteration to be commended in “Balaclava mélée”—“horseplay on horse- back” destructive to discipline. Much harder work than usual, and less of the “ show” element. Suppose that “the pageant,” called on the present. oceasion “Our Army,, 1704-— 1882,” is a concession to popular sentir ment. Soldiers in wigs not nearly so enthu- seareany received as the heroes of Tel-el- evir. Public seem to prefer the present day to the period of Mariborough. “Pageant” pleasant, but scarcely up to the standard of the past ; not comparable, for instance, with the gathering of the Imperial forces of last year, Same old “ tug-of-war,” same old “lemon- cutting,” same old “sword »,. sword mounted,” same old everything. “Throwing the Djerid by Zaptiehs of the Cyprus military police” rather a feeble performance; after seeing it, one comes to the conclusion that the thieves in dis- pa Cyprus must have rather a good time or it, “Naval display by detachment from H.M.S. Ezcellent” in every way ad mirable; so useful for sailors to be able to dismantle a gun in three or four seconds, and then rest on the pieces. No doubt the new authorities have made the Tournament a deal more military, but not more amusing. Question is, whether the martian game will prove to he quite worth the pecuniary candle. MORIBUND, {To parody a famous line of Matruaw AKNOLD, ZOLA may be said to see life steadily and to see it vile.....M. Bruneriber (the great French critic) says that Zolaism is not a good influence, and is dying or dead in the land of its ongin.’’—Daily Chronicle. | Is the realistic novel, which is wont to grub and grovel, In the mud-bank and the muck-heap, and to call the same “the world,” To find vileness in high places, and crude horror in the hovel, Is it really dead or dying? modern muse has skirled Meenad strains and called them music! the clamour Corybantic Of the deafening drum and cymbal, and the clash ot sword on shield, To give place to sounds less horrid, and to songs less Phrygian-frantic, To the music of the woodland and the fragrance of the field ? It this critic is a prophet, then the literary Long the Is ophet, The Acheron of Art, have now had their dismal day, Which was only night made lurid. Are we out of it and off it, The artistic Malebolge which was never sweet or gay? Alas! our little Zolas, with their sombre screeds and scrappy Are still playing the muckraker and the gatherer of Old Clo’! Tabooing all that’s healthy, and disdaining all that’s happy In the name of Realism. dying? Will they go? To write rubbish about rubbish and to call it realistic, To analyse the sordid, and to picture the obscene, With a pencil that is graphic and a pen that is sophistic, Is much easier than mastery of the healthy and the clean. Large style and lucid outlook are equip- ments of the mighty ; It needs health to breathe the wether of the mountain-tops of style. So whilst little pens are cynical, and petty pencils flighty, They always picture Life as they can see it, small and vile. Are they AN INTERIM REPORT, (Under consideration. ) We beg to report that we have made an examination of matters of examination, and that the examination has been. con- ducted as an examination. We heg to say that we have discovered that the discoveries to be discovered are still ripe for discovery. We request to be allowed to state that the statements that have been stated have been stated as statements. We desire to record the fact that the evidence that has come before us has been received as evidence of the existence of evidence that might be received as evi- dence, were that evidence as evidence ad- missible as evidence. We wish to announce that the witnesses we have examined as witnesses have wit- nessed that they are witnesses that have been examined as witnesses. We submit that the conclusion at which we have arrived is a conclusion founded upon a conclusion that comes as a conclu- sion to the conclusion at which we have arrived as a conclusion, We suggest that the condition of things into which we have examined is a condi- tion that is still the condition of the condi- tion of the things under examination in that condition. We advise that our advice should be ac- cepted as advice that should not be advised unless received as advice that yet has to be advised as advice that can properly be adopted as advice. We propose that the propositions put before us as proposals should remain pro- posals unless they propose to be proposals, when it will be necessary to propose pro- posals that may become proposals. We announce that we have learned that learning cannot be learned without learn- ing that learning is learning that has yet to be learned. We recommend that our recommenda- tions shall be accepted as recommendations to be founded upon recommendations not yet recommended as recommendations. We find that our finding is still to be found as a finding when the finding is found as a finding. And we beg to report that, for the pre- sent, at any rate, we have nothing further to report. Ox, tue Jupiter !—As usual, the Penny Illustrated Paper is equal to the occasion. The history of the record reign appears in its pages with great effect. The talented editor depends more upon illustration than letter-press. Well, and why not? There is but one point to which we call atten- tion. Surely Mr. Latrey must find, as a bright and clever journalist, his name rather a misnomer. Evidently his new title should be Lord ANYTHINGBUTLATEY. A Deat to Brar.—The stands for the Diamond Jubilee. WHICH THE CREATER TORTURE- Tue 1837 Siock on THE 1897 CoLtaR?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jone 12, 1897, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Exrractep rrom Tus Diary or Tony, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, May 31.— Buame cess Bartiey, brought up amongst wholesome economies of penny-bank, shrinks with horror from demand of a guinea for luncheon on Jubilee Day. Why, in New York there are places where you get a free“lunch!* ’Tis true its chief con- stituent. is clam. Moreover than which, the guest treats himself to a drink. But the lunch is free—free as the country. Why should the mother of free Parlia- ments be less liberal than her lusty child + Surely England is rich enough to supply to its hardworking legislators free em. - of clam in the various delectable forms pos- sible to clever cooks. On such occasion, the sixtieth anniversary of a glorious reign, a modest drink might be thrown in. beer running from a fountain in the centre of the hall. I don’t disguise the proba- bility that we’ll make a handsome profit out of it.” Failing this, B. B., whose resources are illimitable, suggests that Members should bring down their own luncheon, and eat it from the grand stand, coram publico. In his mind’s eye Sark sees BLame ess with a chunk of cold bacon in one fist, a knife in the other, a loaf of bread under his arm, and a foaming flagon between his knees, what time Her Masesty rides past, in Jubilee State. Business done.—In Committee on Em- ployers’ Liability Bill. T uesday.—Kitchen Committee on strike. If ever one was justified this is. In general way the lot of Lord Sran.ey and his col- leagues is not a happy one. They give up much time and thought to controlling A NAVAL FIELD BATTERY FOR THE JUBILEE! [IT ean only say that the bluejackets will be, brought up from the ports, because it has been consideted that their appearance at —— uous parts of the route would be satisfactory to the H public at large and agreeable to the men t Sark says CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER has been approached on subject, but is obdurate. “No more grants-in-aid this year,” Sr. Micwart says, instinctively buttoning up his pockets. “We’ve sub- sidised the landlords, bolstered up _ the Church schools, tossed a trifle to Board Schools, and hired the Campania to take Members to the Naval Review. We must draw the line somewhere, and it’s ruled firm and deep at a midday meal eaten at the nation’s expense under the storied rafters of Westminster Hall.” The Buametess Bartiey explains that he doesn’t want anything for nothing. What he resents is demand of a guinea for mere luncheon. “Five bob is ample,” he says, in the excitement of the moment dropping into the, vernacular. “The emselves.’’— Mr. Goschen's reply to Admiral Field.| commissariat de ment of House, and get no thanks. y way of making up that omission they are continually grumbled at. In connection with Jubilee they have put on extra spurt in endeavour to make Mem- bers and their friends comfortable on what should be a happy day. Straight- way immaculate Members are up in arms, asking Why is this, and Why is that, and Who says they sha’n’t go into Westminster Hall, ticket or no ticket? To this, culminating to-day in more questions addressed to First CoMMIssIONER or Works, Committee reply by taking off their aprons, turning down their shirt- sleeves, putting on caps and coats, and leaving the premises. If Members want luncheon they must share the BLAMELEss Bart.ey’s cold bacon and bottled half-and- Kitchen Committee ‘get coal, gas, china, half glass, cutlery, table-cloths, all for noe. rent free, and no questions asked. the business on those terms in the hands of the National Penny Bank, Limited, and we ll ‘undertake to turn you out a good lunch at three and six a head, with ginger- General ill-humour about what ought to be a joyous day. Macartney didn’t im- matters by his elaborate little joke. it was well done: much enjoyed by Members who are not dependent on Campania for dinner and bed on Jubilee night. Jonn Arp wanted to know whether arrangements have been conm- leted for enabling Members; and their riends, seeing the review from the Campania, to stay on for the illumina- tions. As at present arranged, having had frugal lunch served to them at national expense, the Campania company are to be put ashore in time to catch afternoon trains for London. Appearance of Macartney at table to answer question gave assurance of hope to Members personally interested. No man could beam like the Secretary to the Admiralty did unless he had good news. “Yes, Sir,” he said cheerily, “I am glad to say it has been possible to make such arrangements. (Cheers.) Accommodation can be provided for 350 persons to dine —(renewed cheers)—-sleep—(loud cheers) —and breakfast—(hilarious applause)—on board the ship. The charge will be fiw oy neas a head.” A pained silence, broken y low groans. Business done.—Employers’ Liability Bill in Committee. Friday.—General jubilation at adjourn- ment for Whitsun Recess. Only HENNikER Heaton gloomy and depressed. “ Alljvery well for you and the rest to go and make merry,” he said, when I asked_him if he wasn’t feeling well. “ You don’t cure a rap whether the tohone people. reckon stepfather as two words, whilst you may get your grandmother through as one. It’s different with me. Can’t sleep o’ nights thinking of it. Then there’s Charing Cross. Is Charing Cross one place or more? -I know of only one, and yet they make two words of it at the telegraph office. Similarly Kentish Town is reckoned at a penny in a message, whereas you- may welter in Woodford Green for a half-penny. “Why these things should be I can’t tell you, and I can’t get the Postmaster- General to tell me. The only gleam of light on a darkened existence was flashed on me when the Duke of Norrouk, in response to earnest and repeated entreaty, allowed mother-in-law to go as one word. In his letter to me his Grace said the re- lations with‘ one’s mother-in-law are s0 tender and intimate, the occasions for loving communication so frequent, the desire for rapid inter-communication so overpowering that he really could not turn a deaf ear to my petition. So mother- in-law costs you only a halfpenny. But, as I say, the Post Office, whilst passing your grandmother on the same terms, draws the line at stepfather, sternly insisting on }a penny. You may go and jubilate in the Jubilee if you like. For me, whilst these things are, life is scarcely worth living.” Business done.—Adjourned for Whitsun A Recent Incident. By the side of a murmuring Brooks An elderly gentleman walked ; The one was excited in looks, The other quite cool as he talked. He spoke of the folly of youth, In tones that go straight to the heart, His moral was “ Stick to the Truth.” “ Stick! ””—“ Um—here’s the House—we } must part.” ’ OBSERVATION BY A Spectra, CorRRE- SPONDENT WITH THE GREEK HEADQUARTERS Srarr.—At the seat of War! Why, we never had time to sit down! —_——___ en to all of mi: of ‘ bel gre cre I} thi sm ve

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Jone 12, 1897.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AUGUSIE EN ANGLETERRE. Tae SaLoon oF Lonpon. Dear MISTER, I visit the Royal Academy one certain afternoon. There is enormously of world. Impossible of to circulate! Impossible of to see the pictures! And what of persons who have not of the all the air of to be artist painters! What of old ladys, what of young, gommeuz, that which you call “smashers,” what of misses of province in costumes truly remarkable, above all what of clergymans! Sapristi, que de clergymans ! Almost one would believe himself in a missionary’ 8s meeting, or in a churches con- gress. Sont-ils amateurs d’art, les clergymans anglais! Eh well, I go to essay, and by degrees I slip myself at the middle of the crowd in the first saloon. At pain I see the pictures. Unhappily I have not two meters of height, and by consequence, almost all the time, I see nothing at cause "of the hats high of form of the smashers, or of the hats, still more. high of form, of the gigantic misses. What enormous hats! What enormous misses! Some veritable amazons! However, I succeed to see some ones of the pictures. He seems to me that the painters who have not made some portraits or some landscapes have produced some scene of interior. What of pictures of the home! . What of babys, of little childs, of little } mg of grandmothers, of cats, of nurses! Some ones are charming, but at the fine that becomes fatiguing. Then evidently, for to repose himself, one must to regard the number- ous pictures of Napoifton First. I see two pictures enough re- markable and enough surrounded of spectators—the Halmet of Mister Anpey, and the Boulter’s Lock of Mister Grecory. Ils ne se ressemblent pas, they resemble not themselves, they are tragedy and comedy—a tragedy of the most sombres, a comedy of the most gays. In effect the colours of the Lock of Boulter are almost too much gay. While that I regard them, éblowi, a fat lady, a little ~ says to a mister who accompanies . her, ‘That is a scheme of colour.” Then I perceive that she has the hairs of gold, and that she carries a robe of red adorned of blue, and I comprehend that she has much studied the “schemes of colour,” but until here not very well! By degrees I traverse all the halls, and I arrive to the gallery of sculpture, almost desert, and more late the gallery of archi- tecture, absolutely desert. I have not envy of to repose my- self in this sad solitude. But I am suchly fatigued that I desire to find the sideboard, le buffet. It would be very agreeable to drink the fivocklock—a vermouth with some water of seltz, or perhaps an english “lemonsquasch” with much of sugar—sur- rounded of sculpture and of verdure as at Paris. Ah, the beauti- ful oceasion of to smoke a cigarette, and of to see to pass the adorable misses! Eh well, I demand to an employed, at the tourniquet. where is the side board, the “bar.” He indicates to me the route. Of new I traverse the crowd, and I arrive to the gallery of the aquarelles. Unuseful then of to demand the bar, at the middle of a such odour of the kitchen! C’est évidemment,par la. Tiens, les caves! Hold, the caves! Hold, the noses!, It. is a subter- ranean kitchen. Again I traverse the crowd and I-demand the bar. Again the employed indicates to me the gallery of the water-coloureds. I say, “No, it is not by there, it is the kitchen.” But he responds to me that if, que si, and that I must to descend. As that I arrive in fine to a restaurant, still more sad than the gallery of architecture.; Not of verdure, not of sculpture, not of occasion of to smoke! I arrest myself at the entry. While that I hesitate, a maitre d’hétel, that which you call “ top waiter,” demands me if I desire “the shilling tea.” What is this that this is that that? He responds, “‘ You pay a shilling, and you eat as much as you like.” Allons donc! To eat so much of the bread and butter, of the buns of bath, of the spongy cakes, of the jam pies, all that with some innumerable cups of tea? Sapristi, que non! Mille fois non! Sans mot dire je m'enf wis, without word to say I fly myself, and I arrest not my- self before of to arrive in the Piccadilly. | Me I love not much the tea, but a prodigious fivocklock as that, in a cellar—ah no, thank you! Agree, &., AvuGusTE. The Boastfulness of Belinda. Arabella (concluding the description of the magnificence of her employer's home). Anc in the servants’ ’all we ’as ‘ot plovers’ heggs ev’ry mornin’ for brekfist. Belinda. That’s nothin’. At hour ’ouse hall the fires is laid with ree! sparrow-grass sticks instead of wood! SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. No. XIill. A TOAST TO THE POSTER GIRL. (By an Artful Advertiser.) Here’s to the maiden in verdigris green, Here ’s to the beauty in brimstone ; Here ’s to the flaunting, flat, Poster-girl, seen On hoarding-board, dull brick, or grim stone! Chorus. Let the toast pass Drink to the lass! [I'll warrant she ’ll prove—as a Poster—first-class ! Here ’s to the charmer with nose Roman size ; Or the nymph who can boast next to none, Here ’s to the|girl with a pair of green eyes, And a face like a twopenny bun, Sir. Chorus—Let the toast pass, &c. Sir ; Here ’s to the maid with a bosom quite flat, And a mouth like a mouldy squashed cherry ; Here ’s to the girl with a grove on her hat, A crude caricature of Miss Terry. Chorus—Let the toast pass, &c. For let ’em be gawky, or let ’em be grim, And crowned with a knot or a feather, Fill a bumper of “ Boy,” yes, bang up to the brim, And toast all the caboodle together! Chorus. Let the toast pass— Drink to the lass! I’ll warrant she ’ll prove—as an Ad.- quite first-class ! From THE IRREPRESSIBLE (not captured). —A daily paper states that a certain Syndicate is making a “corner” in Poultry for the Jubilee week. We suppose that this is the result of British hen-terprise. A Great Power to the Little Ones. Freevom’s first rate, for Powers of first-class size ; But little powers must not take liberties. “Tue Seats or THe Micuty.”—Jubilee Show seats at sensa tion prices. [A rabella dries up.

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| | | What I might have spent on a book upon And now come Mr. Mawuey, and Mr. A. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ————__ [June 12, 1897, Monsicur. “‘ VottA uw Caren comiqus! Miss. ‘‘1 THUNK 17 18 A TERRIER. Monsieur. ‘‘Ternter, pARBLEU! Tuen I caALL nim VENTRE A TERRE-IEE A TAIL OF SCIENCE, | (By Tommy.) [Ata meeting of the Royal Meteorological So- | ciety, Mr. E. MAWLByY presiding, a paper ‘* On the use of Kites to obtain Meteorological Records in the 'pper Air,’ by Mr. A. Lawrence Rortcn of the Blue Hill Observatory, Mass., was read. ] Excerpt Mr. Dick and myself—whom Sci- ence has now proved right I fancy that no one in history has given due meed to the kite! There was Benjamin FRANKLIN, of course, who knew it was more than a toy ; But the pioneer of Science, I hold, after all, was the Boy! The toys of youth, you will find, if you look with unprejudiced eye, Have taught man to dive and to soar, and will probably teach him to fly. I spent all my pocket-money last month in a monster kite ; And my father spanked me—for waste— and said it was sinful, quite, To squander on paper and paint, and a mile of string on a skewer, Science by Huxiey or Brewer. Lawrence Roren, To prove that as Science’s wonder meteorology’s watch, The kite of our youth takes the cake! In informing my Gov. I shall glory. Hooray for that Lawrence Rorcu of the Blue Hill Observatory ! Tis a lovely tale. by Jingo, chock full ot those 'ong-tailed words and On which the Gov. is so sweet. These ' kites they use, like birds, With an An-mothermograph, or a Baro- thermohygrograph, Attached to each aluminium tail isn’t my cha and this WHAT You CALL HIM?” ” And they’ll tell you all sorts of things about height, and heat, and humidity ; And to kick at a kite after that is a proof of paternal stupidity. I mean to mug up those long words, as I know it will please the Gov. If there ’s one thing more than another my respected pater does love, It is what he calls polly-syllables. JI give ’em to him in plenty, Like Mr. Tite Barnacle, with “ circumlo- cution,” “with the air of about five- and-twenty,” For that will fetch him tremendous; and just won’t dad look seraphieal, And give me a tip—when I come out slick with—Barothermohygrographical ? INTERVIEWS WITH INANIMATE OBJECTS. A Barre.-Orean, Ir is no edsy matter to successfully in- terview a barrel-orgen. How I managed it must remain a secret, tempered by one dark hint of “ bribery and corruption.” “What do you consider your proper rank as an instrument of—of—music ?” “ Beyond all question, I should head the list. Other instruments have no concep- tion of tune apart from a more or less skilled musician, whereas the _ veriest donkey-power, if properly applied, is all that I need for the production of melody.” “T think I grasp the idea. The trumpet, trombone, and fiddle, are, comparatively speaking, raw material, but what of the musical box ?” “T confess that the musical box runs me close in intelligence, but it is deficient in power, and cannot produce my truly or- chestral effects.” “What is your favourite definition of yourself?” “ As a powerful instrument for the ele- vation of the masses.” “Then your mission is——?” “To disseminate far and wide the choice music-hall melodies of the day.” *“ What is your favourite tune?” “Tt is rather hard to select where so many are really good. Personally, I ‘"E dunno where ’e are’ in the very front rank, but there is no denying a great dea! of inspiration to ‘The Bogie Man.” “Have you not been obi to?” “Yes; by confirmed faddists who have no music in their soul, I quite agree with Max Norvav that the mass of artistic and literary men are neurotic degenerates, ani therefore unworthy of consideration.” “But have you no pity for invalids?” “A case of genuine illness is a different matter, but there are so many malades imaginaires in this world, that a medical certificate should always be forthcoming.” “Is it not true that some grinders are unsympathetic, and would refuse to move on, even for a medical certificate ? ” “A great deal of nonsense has been written on the subject. I have never yet known a man refuse to move on, if pre- sented with half-a-crown for the purpose.” “Would not that be an expensive me- thod of purchasing peace and quietness?” “That leads me up to my great remedy for everything! Music is an integral part of education. Money is being spent on Voluntary Schools and necessitous Board Schools. Why should not the Cunav- CELLOR OF THE ExcHEQueER endow all the barrel-organs of the nation? It would then become unnecessary for a grinder to insist upon playing at any given spot, and houses where sickuess prevailed might hang out some recognised sign which would secure immunity. Of course, to prevent imposture, the Public. Officer of Health (or, perhaps, the Charity Organi- sation Society) would inquire carefully in every case to see that it was a bond fide case of illness.” “ Admirable! And now, what do you think of the prospects of English music?” “There is much to encourage the con- noisseur. Music-halls are spreading, and leavening the population. You will find ten boys and girls capable of whistling the latest music-hall ditty, for every one could do so a few years dgo. Yes; the outlook is distinctly promising!” Just then, someone began to turn the handle, and I retired. THE LAY OF A GARDEN HAT A Swain having been reproached by his Fiancée Sor cutting her, replies. Dear Amy, do not think I deem You not, as ever, charming, The subject for a poet’s dream, One’s sense and heart disarming! So prithee, in your mercy say You will not be too hard on The man who can but crave and pray To gain a boon—your pardon ! It simply was because you wear A hat of such pretensions, That underneath its gay parterre You lose your own dimensions. That hat conceals your violet eyes With artificial roses, And recognition so defies 5 One wonders where your nose 18° Tt is a hat that wants much room, Bedecked beyond expression— I only trust you ‘ll clip its bloom : Before the Quren’s Procession —_—— STS LS A we wr uy we | 2 of. a ge | em i

Page 15

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Page 16

PUNCH, OR LONDON

THE CHARIVARI.—June 12, 1897.

COLD MEDAL,

The London Medical

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Constitution Street, LEITH

PSTAHLISUED jae Needham’s Polishing

SEVEN PRIZE MEDALS Reries of Tens Write as Fmoothly as a T ead Percil. Neither Seratch nor Spurt, the pomnts

heing rounded hy a special process Assorted Semple Box for 7 stamps from the Works, BIRMINGHAM. Enjoyed by Young and Old.

BIRD'S CUSTARD POWDER Provides not only delicious Custard, but an end- less variety of delightful, dainty dishes. NO ECCS! NO TROUBLE! NO RISK!

Of course it’s Pears Dr. REDWOOD, Ph.D., F.1.C., F.C.S., &c. Late Professor of Chemistry and Pharmacy to the Pharmaceutica/ Society cf Great Britain. ‘* My analytical and practical experience of PEARS’ SOAP now extends over a **fection; its purity is such that it may be used with perfect confidence upon | **the tenderest and most sensitive skin—even that of a new-born babe.”

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a

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