Punch 1897-01-30: Vol 112 Iss 2899

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‘Punch | TH HALF-YEARLY| THE YEARLY |THE DOUBLE-YEARLY VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUMES containing the numbers from July to —— all the numbers for|in the Library Seri containing the December, 1896, in maroon cloth, gilt | 1896, in an cloth, gilt edges, | numbers for 1895 and 1896, strongly half- No w Ready edges, price 8s. 6d. bound i in leather, gilt edges, price 215. Cover. or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. | i y |5 Vt ‘iL PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. — et a ur Totaly ae FST SDA). Sr eT TSS: es Wnty ii naan ata tatension . 20 ons TL Contributions. whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings. or Pictures of any description. will in no case be returned, PRICE THREE PENCE. hen accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope. is \ fs || H . aw ” PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON, ‘CADBURY'S COCOA “ Represents the Standard of highest purity at present attainable in acted ’—Tue Lancet. @@ NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or not even w

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i PUNCH, Ok THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Janvarr 30, 1897. BEDFORD. Ploughs, Harrows, Cultivators, ay akers Horse Rakes, Straw Prussers, Mowers, rg resses, Oil Engines, & Light ilways. WORTH et Cie. Under Royal Patronage SPECIALITY IN CORSETS A ee sent for Gentiom —4 for every class of Corset. ONLY ADDRESS: 134, NEW BOND ST., W Noconnection with W orth of Paris. Manufactured in THREE sizes at 10/6, 16/6 « 25; EACH, POST FREE. MR. JOSEPH PENNELL writes — ‘I have often felt that a Fountain Pen would be a perfect tool for the pen-drafteman, if it could only emade. YOU HAVE MADE IT. [ have tried various pens of your make now for a month or more, and no ordinary pen of any sort that I have ever tried even approaches it for artist's use.”’ A Fen aa nearly perfect as inventive skill can produce. We only require your steel and handwriting to select a suitable pen. Complete Iustrate | Catalogue sent post free on app icatton, MABIE, TODD, & BARD, + Cheapside, Z.C = Street, W. a }esen Hy x ngton Bigh st., 3, Exchange ‘Survat Mdyc ‘RESTER. Torturing Disfiguring SKIN DISEASES Instantly Relieved by A WARM BATH with GUTICURA SOAP And a Single Applica- tion of CUTICURA The Great Skin Cure Sold throughout the world, and pecans nglish and American chemists in all the prince viele British depot: F. Newanny & Sow mi | howard +, Lentign Port» a Dave & Cusm. Cpae. Sole Proprietors, Boston, U.8.A aaal YOUR CHILDRe, Pi RIDGES a COOKED FOU “APENTA” THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices: 6d., 1s., and 1s. 3d. per bottle. Sole Importers: THE APOLLINARIS CO., Lro., LONDON. “£BAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (Reop.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.’ “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” DIAMOND ORNAMENTS. The Choicest Quality in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FRBB. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: []2, REGENT ST., W. (Avsotntne Sreacoscoric Courant.) Sore Throats PERPECTLY SIMPLE. SIMPLY PERFECT, Pocket Kodak A dainty little camera, weighing only 7 ounces. Can be dipped inte the pocket, Makes pictures 8) % 2 inches. Loaded in daylight — no dark room mecessary. Achromatic lens, with threc stops. Improved rotary shutter always set for time or instantaneous exposures. View finder. Counter. Complete with roll of film for 12 exposures, £1 Is. EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd. ntg-1t7 Oxford St., London, W. Write for descriptive pamphiet, post free. “You cannot do better than gargle with “CONDY.” Sir Morell Mackenzie, M.D. (Cascnline oe ee to the ys -_ mre CON] DY'S remota FLUID, GENTLEMEN'S WICS. Perfect Imitations of Mature w : Unchrintatle lactetel "fecteae: tions for self- measurement on application. CHAS. BOND & SON, © Bet BOND STREET. Ww Bend for Catalogue. SUCHARD’S COCOA. Nature’s Choicest. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Dairy Consumprion, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. ONE COMPANY'S Y steamships GAKU foraed LUsiTARtAras? tos mee vor MOROCCO, SICILY Le ey EG teeing uv _ returning April Trt, of SPAIN GREECE, Con. Comstarn, WOPLE &c., leaving Mareh 31, returning May bor PORTUGAL. MOROCCO, ITALY, and SICILY, leaving yr si, returning May 29 String band, electric light, hot and culd oe high class cuisine. Managers: PF. =—.* Setemen, Anderson & Co. Head ly ie church Avenue or tl R. > at 5, Fenchurch Kvenee, pe A “ater the W est-End HKranch Office, 16, ~ 2s Street, Val PATENT DIAGONAL SEAM CORSETS. Will not split in the pearme nor tear Fune Fabric. wards, Bala calc an b and Ladig’ Ontatars tet the United Tuaee Goiv Mepais. Kingdom and colonies SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD. MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lro., AT THEIK BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. ae GOUT, and INDIGESTION Bold throughout the World. a -———— For ACIDITY or rus STOMACH, HEARTBURN,

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CHARIVARL January 30, 1897] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Mrs. Flowerly. ‘‘CoM® AND SIT DOWN, MOTHER DARLING. YOU MUST BE TIRED!” Little Master Percy. ‘‘You MAY HAVE MY Omarr, G'AN’MA!” T™uOIn wv | What ush cacophonous voluminously THE YELLS. a? Oe ’ A Sone or THE City or UNuimiTep SHrnpy. | ae > event (Containing a Moral for Lord Mayors, County On split top-notes! How it tells Councillors, and others of the Powers that be.) | Of the asthma that im To the ee ing and Of the yells, yells, yells, Of the shrill, harsh, inharmonious, husky, yells, yells, yells,— Of the howling and the growling of the yells! ut. Hear the clamorous coster yells— Strident yells !|— What a tale of throats inflamed their tur bulency tells! In our ears, by day and night, How they shriek to our affright! Too much scarified to speak, They can only shriek, shriek Out of tune, | In a clamorous appeal to the attention of the fuer, I. |In a mad expostulation with the heedless Hear the bellowing minstrel’s yells— | should-be buyer, Brazen yells !— | Rising higher, higher, higher, | What a world of savagery their toneless| With a desperate desire, tumult tells! | And a resolute endeavour, Through the darkness or the light, | Now—now to sell, or never, : e@ rasping Hear the Yahoos with their yells— R ! Of what a world of Bumbledom their blatant blaring tells! How they bellow, bellow, bellow, On the humid air of night! While each girl, in red and yellow, Shrieks and capers with her “fellow,” | In sheer lunatic delight ; Keeping time, time, time, In their trampings through the slime, | With coarse Cockney cachinnation, which | unmusically swells From their Meenad-like emission of wild yells, yells, yells— The roaring, loud outpouring of mad yells! How they ring out day and night! | To the pale-faced throngs who moon! From the brazen, blatant notes, Oh, the yells, yells, yells! All out of tune! What a tale their chorus tells What a dismal ditty floats Of despair! From the family with rough and 1oopy| How they rattle, rush, and roar! throats— What a horror they outpour oo On the bosom of the moist malodorous air! Yet the ear it fully knows, | Blessdd boon !— | Oh, from throttles like cracked bells, Yet the ear distinctly tells, By the patter, And the clatter, How the bidding sinks and swells, By the sinking or the swelling in the shindy of the yells, Of those yells— Of the coarse, hoarse, blaring, tearing, oe clamorous coster yells, By the wrangling, and the jangling of the yells! Iv. Hear the yowling of the yells— ewsboy yells! What a world of eager heed their bellow- ing compels! In the gas-glare of the night, How we shiver with afright At the melancholy menace of their tone ! For every sound that floats From those husky urchin throats Brings a groan. And the nip ! those nippers. Those shrill shouters, those swift skippers, “On their own!” And who, howling, howling, howling, In that ear-tormenting tone, Scare the buffer homeward prowling O’er the slippery, slithery stone— They are neither man nor woman— They are simply subterhuman Gutter-ghouls : And each urchin yahoo yowls, As he = howls, howls, owls, “ Hertry-speshul!!!” And he yells, And his impish bosom swells With the rapture of his yells, Demon-dancing as he yells The last horror of the time In a sort of Runic chime. “Orl the winners, Sir!” he yells. How he yells!!! Keeping briskly up to time With the latest “Orful crime!” Oh! the nuisance of those yells, London’s everlasting knells !— ’Arry’s, ’Arniet’s yahoo vells!— Guttersnipes in erit and grime !— Tipsy cads and roystering swells !— Shrieking women smeared with slime !— Gutter-grovelling, uttering yells !— Oh! those hideous London yells! Can’t we check them? Is’t not time To set limits to the vells, The awful, lawful, iawful, savage yells, yells, yells, Our barbarous. bestial, blatant, Babel ° Yells! Tae Orp Orper CxHancern. — Mrs. Trackeray Rironte says, “ The literature of the lower Self is all the v just now.” That dainty and delightful writer is right, and the name she gives it is an apt one. But is it very different from what used to be called “ the literature of the Upper Shelf?” The main change seems to be that what were once known as “ Gen- tlemen’s Books” are now “ written by ladies for ladies,” and read openly by all. The new way, like the New Woman, who has opened it up, seems hardly an im- provement on the old. Insen vr to Date. — According to the Humanitarian, the gloomy playwri t Insen describes Christiania as “the most immoral town in Europe.” Insen lives there, and he ought to ee. Should he emi , would the morals of the Nor- wegian town be improved ? VOL, CXII, F

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 30, 1897.

— Pe ee Faia « — —— — - ~ — . Hhasbey BOAR OOOKYY | ’ 2S f Wis S J Wy a ~ “_ } 7 oO » Sey oe —— —_,_> a =| —<— < Ean J yy, A 44° wah WL . Y Ie Thy dul

ON THE HIGHWAY TO KHARTUM. [** One of the objects for which we occupied Dongola was because it was on the highway to Khartum.’’—Lord Salssbury’s Speech, January 19, 1897.}

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January 30, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 51 ie ae ' | ha ty, RATHER TOO MUCH. Lady (having just cannoned Stranger into brook). “Ou, 1’m so sorry I BuMPED You! WovuLD YOU MIND GOING IN AGAIN For MY Hat?” PREPARING FOR WAR. Scene—Examination Room of Candidates for the Army. PRESENT— Examiner and two Aspirants for selection. Examiner. And now, gentlemen, I will just ask you a question or two about your ma training. Were you either or both or neither in the Volunteer Cadet Corps at your college ? First Aspirant. No, Sir, I did not care very much about drill. Second Asp. Yes, Sir, I was advanced from private to corporal, and then from sergeant to lieutenant. Kram. (taking notes). I see. How about shooting ? First Asp. Never tried, Sir. Fact is, not exactly in my line. Second Asp. I have won a heap of prizes at Bisley, and made the highest possible frequently. Eram. (as be ore Isee. Done anything in football or cricket ? First Asp. No, Sir. I prefer study to that sort of thing. Second Asp. Captain of the fifteen and the eleven when I was at school. Exam. (same business). I see. And now how about swimming and horsemanship ? First Asp. Again, Sir, I am rather out of it. But dare say [ could manage both if I tried. Second Asp. Hold the Albert Medal, Sir, for saving the life of a little chap who tumbled overboard mid Channel, and was ac- customed to horses long before I got into Eton jackets. Exam. (as efoes). es. And about athletics, generally ? First Asp. r weak in them, I am afraid, Sir. octor has passed me, but I am careful of my health. Second Asp. Haven’t got that excuse, Sir. I am as hard as | nails, weigh twelve stone, and thoroughly enjoy a fifteen miles’ j.unt before breakfast. Exam. (closing note-book). I see. Well, No. 2 has come out = br but - — 1 has on eapnn. three dates more than his -ompetitor, and, as there is : him a pe hee Nabe only one vacancy, I fear I must pass ‘irst Asp. Thank you, Sir. I’m greatly obliged to you. ._ Second Asp. Well, I’m blowed—or rather would be if I weren’t in such prime condition ! [Scene closes in upon the Future of the British Army. SHOTS AT SCLENCE. (Page from the Diary of a Literary Explorer.) [‘* Mr. F. C. Sztovs, in his speech at the Sports Club, insisted thar big game shooting was a benefit to civilisation.”"—Daily Paper. | Monday.—Really must get my lecture upon “ The Planetary System ” into shape. Promised to deliver it to the Currypowder Islanders before the end of the week. Let me see, “ The system consists of Venus, Mars——” Stopped at this moment by the appearance of a tiger. uesday.—Got the tiger-skin all right. Ready to be sent home. Now for my lecture. Let me see, should say something ex- planatory as a prologue. Bother, interrupted again. This time by a Ps wolves. Wednesday.—Wolves invisible. Lovely day. Now I will be quiet and get through my work. Simple enough; only have to write for the Currypowder Islanders. Let’s see—here we are “The system consists of Venus, Mars——” What was that ? The trampeting of a wild elephant. Well, I am prepared for him. Thursday. wiully tired! Jumbo gave me a pretty dance | I really must get on with my lecture. ‘The system consists of Venus, Mars——” Again! Noise of rattlesnake! And there’s a cobra! And yonder a python! Friday.—Splendid sport, yesterday. But now as I have to deliver my lecture to-morrow, must really set to work. Wouldn’t disappoint the Currypowder Islanders for millions. “ sys- tem consists of Venus, Mars——” As I live, a grisly! Saturday.—Busy cutting up the bear’s meat. ™ excel- lent eating. But who’s to help me to discuss— Why, as I live, there come the members of the Currypowder Islanders! And that reminds me that I promised to r them a paper on “The Planetary System.” Too late now. They seem disap- inted! Only thing to do—ask them up to dinner... . . The have just finished, and are thanking me. I suggest that | would be willing to read them my paper on “The Planetary System ”—as much as I have done of it. They reply that they believe the contents of it already. However, they would be leased to have my MS. if I wanes it round a bottle of whisky. Greatly gratified. Most successtul meeting I have ever known. te ¥

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—————— a 52 PUNCH, OR “THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 30, 1897. SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. No. Vi. ROUNDABOUT READINGS. (Mr. Robert Roundabout to his Sister-in-law.} No, VIl.—Or Lerrers—Or BREAKFASTS AND THEIR EATERS—OF A CurILpren’s Partry—Or Jack Hoxrner—Or THINKING. My pear Lucr,—Jacxk has been good enough to undertake to hand you this letter before he leaves you to-morrow on his re- turn to Cambridge. I admit that this method of postage is not too safe, letters having the most fatal facility for clinging to coat pockets long after they should have been delivered. Still, sooner or later you will receive it, even if Jack, as will probably be the case, has to post it to you from Cambridge. I send Jack back to you, as I received him, in first-rate health, a much-im- proves shot and a most vigorous wielder of his knife and fork. ndeed I might have contented myself with invoicing him to | better, an open-faced, | crisp-haired English youth. And y all liked 'AR- | tankard that circulated from hand to hand after our undergradu- | ate feasts. I don’t know how it is, but it is a fact that men of my age lose the tremendous gusto for breakfasts that inspires the young to these feats. We — a kipper or = with a boiled egg, — 2 of» of & na pool L a while the youngsters are still engaged on the secon ry or five courses into which they divide it. It was very good of 7 to lend me the boy for a few days, and I can assure you | enjoyed his visit very much. He’s a fine, manly, straightforw fresh, breezy, and unaffected, and, as for looks, he is just the counte of what his dear father was in the old days, not an Apollo, but something far clean-complexioned, bright-éy and hin, “Old G RUTHERS, who, as you know, was once in the ministry, and still retains that air of Se mystery which with the possession of secrets de Polichinelle, even he re influence, and was good en to smile at some of the boy’s undergraduate stories, and to flavour them afterwards with some reminiscences of his own days at Cambridge. Nor was Jack in- attentive to the fair. Miss Canrurners—she’s a pretty little touzled fair girl, with an attractive mowe—has no reason to com- plain of the way in which Jack helped her over various fences when she came out with the other ladies to the shooting lunch, or of his readiness to turn over the leaves of the dra -room ballads with which she softened our manners nor allowed them to be savage after dinner. In a word, he’s a good boy, and though your gentle mind hates the idea of killing, I must tell you that the way in which he pulled down some of my tallest pheasants in Parson’s Grove left nothing to be ired. Even the veteran CarruTHers, who has mi rocketers with glorious certainty through more than twenty seasons was good enough to say if Jack went on like that he would e a shot—in time, and approbation from Carruruers is praise indeed. And y was just as good, and played his little part with the same simple good nature all thr . We all went to a pretty children’s party at the Harpys’, far from here. They had secured him for one of the tableaux—‘“ Cinderella and the Prince ” —and I can assure you he made a most excellent Prince, and showed a princely grace in his kneeling position at the fair Oinderella’s feet. And when the children came on and acted their fairy-stories, finally dancing round Jack, who was robed in a huge fur coat beard to represent a captured pant, the sgpioese and enthusiasm were deafening. But the ro of the performance was SmpasTiaN Harpy, aged three-and- a-half. To this promising actor the part of Jack Horner had been allotted, his duty being to dance gaily on to the stage holding a dish in his hand, to put in his diminutive thumb, to pull out an Imaginary plum devour it with the self-appreciative joy associated with his character. When his turn came, SRBasTIAN, who is but lately out of frocks and into shorts, danced on, but forgot the extraction of the plum. A second performance of the whole series having been ed for by the audience, SzpasTiaN appeared again, and on this occasion went through the thumb and plum ow with a conscientious gravity that moved us all to fits of laughter. This, however, offended the actor, for when he was brought round to the front of the house and placed in his mother’s arms he complained loudly that “ When I comed on the first time and forgot my plum nobody laughed, but when I comed on again and put in my thumb, jus’ as uncle SypNry told me, everybody ” Afterw SxsastiaNn honoured me by sitting on my knee. The Sandman strewed his little eyes with dust, but the boy had a fine spirit, and being deter- mined to see the performance out would not yield to sleep. So I told him I knew he wanted to think—that all grown-up people always thought at this particular hour, and he ought not to be an exception. ‘ How shall I think?” he asked. “Close your eyes very tight,” I said; “we always close our eyes when we think.” Whereupon his eyelids dropped, and in half a minute the little fellow was asleep in my arms. I often wish I you in the terms of trade, as for example thus :—-Madam, in | accordance with ro obliging order, I have to-day despatched | to your address, y rail, One Y containing, in ition to the | usual articles, one large sole (fried), two mutton-cutlets, two) sausages on mashed potatoes, two poached eggs, toast, butter, | marmalade, and two breakfast-cups of best Chinese tea. I trust | the parcel will arrive in good condition and give satisfaction. | Hoping to be favoured with a continuance your esteemed | commands, I beg to remain, Madam, your obedient servant, | &c., &c. This, my dear Lver, is no exaggeration. I am telling you the plain and simple truth about your astonishing boy’s breakfast this morning. Your own experience will con- vince you of my veracity. Oh, happy time of boyhood, dura puerorum ilia (Jack will construe), how far off appear the da. when I too thought nothing of such a breakfast, nay, when I co’ could think like that. ' Good-bye, my dear Lucy, I hear the dog-cart coming up the drive for Jack, so I close this letter with all good wishes, and remain now, as always, Your affectionate brother, Bos. An Involuntary Truth. Old Female (to Member of Anti-gambling League). Yes, Sir, I’m ’eartily one with you. It aint *urdles, or the ’edges, or the other hobstacles I hobjects to, but, as my pore ‘usband used to say, “It’s the hun’appy ’osses wot breaks their backers. OxnrrHoLocicaL.—It is stated that pigeons frequent the great London fish-market. Surely, therefore, its name ought to be top up with deep draughts of beer from the mighty three-handled | changed to Cooing-and-Billings-gate. thes Hee Nig of « tho eith fee con kn anc eng Ch cro ant du Ch nw foo —-~s owe oS Ee

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January 30, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 53 SAUCE FOR THE. GANDER, A scuems has been laid before Mr. Punch for an agenc which is evidently intended to operate in friendly rivalry wi one referred to—we regret to say, in unsym tic terms —by the Daily Chronicle, and established to conduct “ Smart Soeey e on “Night Tours through Whitechapel and Darkest London.” The Rival Undertaking is based on somewhat similar lines, as will be seen from the preliminary advertisement submi to * f. Punch, to which he has much pleasure in giving publicity in these columns ! — THE WEST-END EXPLORATION AGENCY, Lp. Head Office, Second Floor Front, Three Colts Lane, Behnal Green, B.C. Branch Agencies at Whitechapel, Poplar, Limehouse, &c. This Association has been formed for the purpose of organising Night Tours Te Be via and Lightest London, and the by affording Mem of the Industrial Classes an opportunity of exploring, under experienced guidance and in perfect safety, those parts of the West End to which access has been hitherto either impossible or attended by considerable risk. On application to any of the agencies, and payment of a small fee per head, parties desiring to make the tour will be personally conducted 7 competent guides, specially selected for their knowledge West End puriieus, and their intimate acquaint- ance with members of the “ Ex Tenth.” Arrangements have been entered into whereby tourists will be enabled to penetrate to the inmost recesses of certain Pall Mall Clubs, the mere thresholds of which have never before been crossed by the most enterprising outsider, and it is confidently anticipated that the appalling si which may be beheld during a brief inspection of such notorious haunts as the “ Athe- neum,” “Reform,” “Oxford and Cambridge,” and “ Brooks’s” Clubs will surpass the most vivid and thnilling descriptions of Socialist Orators and Feminine Novelists! _ £xcursionists may, should they desire it, enter into conversa- tions with various members of a ulation com almost entirely of Habitual Ecclesiastics islators, rs of both Services, Casual and Professional Littérateurs, and Artists, who, if civilly interrogated, may be expected to furnish invaluable information as to their earnings, occupations, morals, and man- ner of life generally. As a rule, the most irreclaimable aristocrats will be found perfectly tractable, provided they are given to understand that they are the subjects—not of idle curiosity, but—of genuine interest and sympathy. Some caution, however, should be ob- served in localities known to be frequented by Bishops and it is distinctly unsafe to make advances to a Reti Admiral, unless with the sanction of the Conductor. Flying visits will be paid to Smart Dinner Parties, from which the Tourist will carry away an ine’ ble impression of the Torpid Satiety that may almost be said to be the chronic condi- tion of the Pper Classes. _ Typical “Balls” and “Crushes” will be prominent features in each excursion, affording as they do Ghastly Examples of the terrible overcrowding, insufficient clothing, and imperfect venti- lation, in which so many uncomplaining sufferers are compelled to pursue their sole means of enjoyment ! _ Facilities have been afforded for the inspection desing, ony time of the Day or Night, of the most Fashionable Hotels by Parties accompanied by a Conductor, who will be empowered to take them over the various Eating Rooms and Dormitories, whether occupied or otherwise. Lady inhabitants of the East End wishing to see this neighbour- hood can be conducted round atte Ry day, and see their ja and overworked sisters of the West End engaged in their unremit- ting toil of “ driving,” “ calling,” “leaving cards,” “ bazaar-hold- ing,” and other equally arduous and poorly-remunerated occu- pations. _Uwing, however, to the condition of some of the chief West End thoroughfares, ynder no circumstances can ies be per- mitted to join the Night Tours. Male East h wer oe! suitably attired (rabbit-skin caps and “ pearlies ” must not worn), need apprehend no danger at any time, provided they rémain close to t his advice in all emergencies. In conclusion, the rs venture to express their san- guine expectation that these Tours will prove not only popular, but of inestimable benefit to the community at large, tending, as they must, to promote mutual goodwill by encouraging closer intercourse between the Masses and the . enabling the most thoughtless Son of Toil to realise for himself the de- pooaeing monotony and triviality of the existence to which ‘ashion’s merci decree condemns her countless thousands of White Slaves! And so says Mr. Punch. ir conductor, and follow ded | Bight and day taking down their names. Assistant Milliner. ‘‘1 sHOULD CERTAINLY ADVISE THE YELLOW Trimminc, Mapam, I ALWAYS RECOMMEND YELLOW FOR A Brunetre!” THE HAWARDEN CAMPAIGN, A CORRESPONDENT forwards to us the following news clipping He unfortunately forgets to mention the paper from which it 1s taken, but, judging from inte evidence, we are inclined to the opinion that it is the War Cry:— Tue Capture oF HAWARDEN is by this time matter of history. Everyone knows how the General approached the Castle single-handed, and how, after a short but brilliant attack, he forced the garrison to capitulate. But how complete the victory was, comparatively few have realised. Not a single newspaper, so far as we are aware, has taken any notice of the fact that, before the General left the field, Mr. GLADSTONE WAS GAZETTED CORPORAL, Since then, all has been activity at Hawarden. The Castle has been turned into barracks, and the library into a doss-house. The Corporal is indefatigable. He is already known as “ Hot and Strong Wiiu1aM.” fe is saving souls by the thousand, and recruits are pouring in so fast that twenty orderlies are busy On Sunday last A Granp PARADE was held on the lawn, when the C ral for the first time wore his uniform. It wo be ies te attempt to describe the enthusiasm of the meeting. Never was such singing heard as when the Corporal led off the Army, marching backwards, and beating time with both hands. But the climax was reached when the hymn was ended, and the Corporal called a halt. “ Attention!” he cried, in his well-known silvery voice, which rang clear and distinct to the uttermost rank of that huge armament. “Now then, are you ready? PREPARE To RECEIVE—SALYATION |” as In an instant the air was darkened with caps an mnets. Thirty thousand voices cheered ; thirty thousand “ Hallelujahs! ” rent the welkin. Ina scene of unparalleled excitement, ‘Hor AND Srrone WILLIAM” LAID ON THE SULPHUR AND Bermstoxe ! soul was saved. Satan has no chance against the Cor- The Hawarden campaign is simply A Senizs or Bartuiant Victoria. Eve poral.

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54 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 30, 1897. ry ) by. | if a4 1 s——— IM) Veh A MODEST REQUEST. Effie. ‘‘Davpy, I’s® nurTep my Fineer!” (No answer.) (Crescendo.) ‘‘ Dappy, I’se nuRTED my Finger !!" (No answer.) (Fortissimo.) “‘ DADDY, I'SE HURTED MY FINGER!!!" (No answer.) (Reproachfully.) ‘‘Dappy, you miguT say ‘On’!” ee : . ~ Dalmeney or Malwood? Our quarrel, our split THE SHEPHERD’S SOLILOQUY . meetas declares we to nistenl folly owe. A Pousricat. Pasronat Well, well, I don’t mean that my skill and my wit f° Re Shall serve but for ing the triumph of—Pott10! ARGUMENT.—Menaleas, after the first pastoral contest of the year, museth, Baa! Baa! Well, I'll fold you again for the time not without misgiving, on the show made by his “‘ ragged sheep,’’ as com- But your pasto promise is not very cheering. ' pared with the woolly flocks of Damutas. ’ I do hope you’ll plump up and be walaily and prime, ’ I nave heard of the “Shepherd of Salisbury plain,”— And not prove all ery when the time comes for shearing! The title just now seems a trifle suggestive |— But I, Malwood’s Shepherd, had counted on gain ROS alan From a flock which seems proving a little bit restive. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. That Salisbury Dametas will mock at my plight, Onz of my Baronites writes :—“ I have just been reading Man And swear that my song is the merest stale crambo ; Coane, © Mr W. W. Jacome. which hes made me ional mec While Palemon will settle our contest at sight, . a It is a collection of short stories, reprinted from My" staurt strokes Of tistical caillory®* tell, 1"?! | various periodicals, and dealing with men that go down, to the a ‘ eye hes ’ sea in ships of moderate ton ; stories told with such fre x. yl y= —_ a ky A oo © ee ond unforced fun wan their droflery is yy ym It . age ye P " is by no means safe to assume that w struck on as wits the of Damian of whch he corm’ mater ell, | Glightflly "humorous wil seem equally vo to others, but, bear ‘ “ : 9 Py tar wa de ing y in mind, nd i conceive an That ,. y jolly sheep” find the ground “false” and any sense of the ludicrous at all reading ‘ In Borrow Plumes,’ With “ bones barely covered ” when time comes to shear, A hn ME Ry ye RE Re yh Of yield to my scissors methinks they ’ll prove thrifty. hened of rm Ww ts Jacons before. and. for anything I know I did deem that hopeful Hibernian lamb this may be his frst literary voy: me het T eam only say that Would prove pretty woolly. Perhaps it may—later: the sooner he puts to sea in om brings back more cargoes of The Armenian ewe and the Soudanese ram. the aame moods. the better I Gell be tleased.” Tu Baron Don’t seem to come on, and my = is the greater. in P : : Dametas is smiling. He hints, with that grin, I’d best “ shear my swine,” like a Mevius. Confound him! H sardonic! My flock does look thi ae eee e is so sardonic! My flock does loo n. o wane - How unlike the folded one gathered around him ! Ovensanen Jupaed mesne ri Dalene Comm, Baa! Baa! Yes, you’re beggars at bleating, you are. But “9 think se ae ’ Part ° Much ery, little wool! Primrose-Potuio will chortle. ‘Socata ye as 4 ted! boom, He ’s waiting the rise of the right Shepherd's star, as mitted Afar from the haunts where we hustle and hurtle. ae a ere * Vrre’s Third Pastoral or Palemon. | Taree Per Cent-1nets.—The Bank of England guard.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Janvary 30, 1897.

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> \\ - 7 Z ’ A " aa P. — ——— a = = - 4 . — < 3 — ae _f— - - - F —_—- — SWAIN Se “THE BETTER PART OF VALOUR.” Master H-no-rtr. “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TACKLE HIM?” Master S-np-rs-n. “ AH! I DID THINK OF IT—BUT IF I WERE TO HIT HIM AND HURT HIM, I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF ! [‘* AMhough the Irish Unionists were prepared for an exhaustive discussion on Irish overtaxation, they hesitated to vote aguinst the Gi "ri. )

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; ou — | - Foe = SF 4 SF & 4D ae F

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January 30, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 57 i/ lif Mp » UME INN i Squirrel Harcourt. ‘“‘ DULL work ! ““NO FORRADER!” So monotonous! G7 Wish I were Rosesery !” ‘FORGIVE AND FORGET.” (Recollections of an Argumeat.) “Foratve” comes first. Perhaps in time “Forget ” may follow after— (I urge no duty in my rhyme, To excite irreverent laughter). The mind and heart are things apart, The heart forgives a debt, he mind remembers. Then forgive, Although you mayn’t forget! I really wish that you were not To this assertion driven That injuries only when forgot Can truly be forgiven! An act unkind still berne in mind _Is unforgiven yet, You say—and so you can’t forgive, Because you can’t forget! Forget, forgive—you make them one, Or quite misplace the latter, And yet, when all is said and done, Our difference need not matter. Should quarrel be ’twixt you and me, Our heart and mind we ’ll set, My heart—most freely to forgive, our mind—to clean forget! Latest From ConsTANTINOPLE. — The Suitan declares that he cannot touch the European concert pitch without being de- ed. A VERY PRETTY DANCE. Dear orp Puncu,—Just before I start for old Bircu, who has told my parents that he will be “ to see his young friends ” this afternoon as ever is, just let me give you a suggestion. When I get back to my beastly school, there won’t much chance for me to write to any old friend like you, There will be the regu- lation note to the Pater, when it isn’t addressed to the Mater. And we can’t say much in that. What I want to tell you is that we have had a very good time of it these holidays. My brother and I have been to heaps of dances, and wherever we have gone, we have found “The Washi Post.” Do you know how to dance it? take hold of a girl by both hands, a prey cag and o- slide ye to — er part © room and repeat the orm- ance. It’s great fun, and far better than the Barn Dance. It knocks Sir Roger de Coverley into fits. This is what I suggest—and Brown Masor says it would be first-rate—add to the double shuffle a Higheed fling and the old hop waltz, and dance would be twice as jolly. Then when you were stand- ing out, you might keep up the fun by jumping a in time to the music until you were ready to begin again. If that wouldn’t bring down the house (as they say at the theatres), I don’t know what would. And now, r old Punch, I must dry up, as I’m off to Bron’s. Tips seventeen shil- these the Waiting for the Cab. Black Monday. SPORTIVE SONGS. An old and not yet extinguished Admirer writes toa former Flame on the recurrence of her Natal Day. I’m writing to you, love, by night. ml ond ie buatod, the gas turned out, ’s soli t Prociaiaas tne dakanes it would flout. The fire with ill-conditioned heat Has just demanded copious coal ; I’ve got a feeling in my feet That tells my slippers’ want of sole! And yet I write, because I know To-morrow will your birthday be. In me of long You will expect a from me! » dod bad, od Naledione, ae | , and hap joy, The wishes that we sy stealth When you were girl and I was boy! I wish them! Are you satisfied To find I still am true in heart, Or mourn the vow you once denied In order we might ever part? wo i oy f church ina urch ; Your eyes and bonnet both were blue, And left confession in the lurch |! Yes! there demure and even prim You drove my mind to earthly things, Yet, as I’ve said, an angel slim, needed little wings. And so to-day in I went To that same church where first we met. Ah! then I knew the Love you lent, But gave it with the curse Regret! Days upon days, and years on years, Have owiftiy come and P moll gone! We travel through the Vale of Tears Wide separated and alone! But still, whatever be our fate, I yearly wander to the shrine Where once—I need not give the date— w your prayers were wholly mine! And so to-night accept this leaf Culled from the pocket-book of Time, Who may not play the part of thief In this our lifelong tomime. I climbed the Mountains of the Moon, And fell_—Why should I thus repine ? T am a grey-haired Pantaloon ut you are still a Columbine! EXPECTED ADDRESSES. Tue rule relating to post cards, “the address only to be written on this side,” is abolished. It is probable that the letter sorters will now be compelled to decipher such addresses as the following : — Miss Jones, Mudby-in-the-Marsh, Love to Granny, Essex. Mrs. Smitn, 22a, George Street, Apo.punus sailed yesterday for Australia, W. Army and Navy Stores, The number is 45266798 Westminster Also a pound of sausages, 8.W. With lots of kisses to my own KINS, Laburnum e, The Park, from your ever Brixton devoted Bextr Boporr P.S. the footbawl match at 4 past 2. r TOMKINS tbe — late Dr. Canr’s school, birchington.

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58 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 30, 1897. A SUGGESTION. (For Frozen-out Foxhunters and their Idle Studs, if the Winter is setting in now.) THE CENTENARY OF THE TOP-HAT. Introduced at the beginning of January, 1797. (Some Suggestions for its Celebration. ) Irs instant and universal discontinuance. The erection of a statue of the inventor in every market town of the United King- dom, wearing a topper, in white marble. This will serve as an object lesson in in- artistic incongruity for future generations. A general distribution of existing speci- mens of this headgear among necessitous and deserving scarecrows throughout the country. A grand parade and march past of guys, attired with the surplus stock of silk hats now lying in London warehouses. A short Act to be passed through Par- liament at an early date this Session, con- signing the manufacturers to Hanwell, in accordance with the popular opinion ex- peeenee in the phrase, “As mad as a hatter.” Football players, like the cricketers of fifty years ago, to wear it on all possible occasions, viz., before, during, and after a match. The Rugby game, with one con- tinuous “scrum,” to encouraged with this object, but Association players may be permitted to substitute a topper, or suc- cession of toppers (preferably obtained from the onlookers), in liew of the ordi- wy leather football. 4 “free kick” to given to any person objecting. Its os adoption by “gutter- snipes,” bicyclists, rgees, freshmen (when wearing their gowns), burglars (on wt duty), po * irals, Suameensse- in-chief, tennis-players, telegraph- > heralds, Kinaoes Gai, beef-eaters, High. landers, sea-cooks and their eldest sons in the male line, tide-waiters, mudlarks, Lord | Mayors in their pride, bishops in full ca- | | nonicals, hangmen in full swing, freemasons in full fig, ’Arries in full force on a Derby | day, Tommy Atkins in full war-paint, the horse-marines in full charge, pet y= y other inappropriate classes of the community. Its simultaneous use by such conspicuous individuals as the foregoing will thus prove equally surprising and ridiculous, and should result in its speedy disappearance. A Centennial Ode in its honour, with a prize of one hundred guineas, to com- peted for by the praiseworthy tlemen = versify for Bo-and-so' P or for Thingamy’s soap. winning composi- tion a printed on the — e of every daily pa (not among the adver- tisements). This should have a similar effect to the previous suggestion. The prompt elevation of every Member of Parliament who sits on his own, or, better, another Member’s hat, to “ another place.” Quite a nee number of stove-pipes (not “ win ~bags ”) can thus be daily sat upon, and snu out and extinguished. A poll-tax on members of the Stock Ex- change, undertakers, coachmen, “ John- nies,” and other persons who would die rather than be seen without a topper. The general imitation of the Christ’s Hospital head-dress, since no satisfactory covering rs to be before the public. The abolition of the custom of raising ae hat to ladies, which is ruination to the rim. The abolition of "busses, which are re- sponsible for the “bashing” of the vast majority of “ cylinders.” e abolition of weddings, where they are de rigueur; ditto, ditto of Church Pa- rade and Pi illy. The abolition of the English climate, so destructive of the silk integument. The abolition of artists, who, as is gene- y the case, come a cropper when at- tempting to draw its difficult curves. Or, lastly, and best of all, the universal introduction of the most eye ser- viceable and comfortable form ‘head- gear, to wit, Mr. Punch’s cap, with stripes and turned-up brim, and, ike the great Panjandrum, with the little button on top. Ladies may adopt Toby’s hat and feather. So mote it be. GO, JINGO, GO! (A Jingoldsby Lay up-to-date.) {‘* My belief is that a well-working arbitration the Minister from the Tingoes.”—-Lord Selishury. e r ingoes.’’— : le “Gengulphus, or, as he is usually styled in this country, ‘Jingo,’ was perhaps more in the mouths of the ‘ general’ than any other saint, on occasions of adjuration.”’— Ingoldsby. | Ear Beaxie hadde a sainte, olde style, And hys name it was Sainte Jyngo. J wythe a Y, Y wythe an N N wythe a G, G wythe an b, They called him, then, Sainte Jyngo! Lorde Souuie sayd, “ Olde saintes doe fail, They are notte stingo ! I looke to Ar-bi-tra-ti-on To save us from Sainte Jyngo!” Nowe is notte this a prettie shifte In diplomatic lingo ? J wythe a Y, Y wythe an N, N with G O is nowe no GO! Good-bye, poore olde Sainte Jyngo! A Curtous Lanpscape FraturE oB- SERVABLE AT Monte CARLO IN THE EARLY Sprine.—Blue

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January 30, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary or Tosy, M.P. House of Commons, Tuesday, Jan. 19.— In accordance with formal notice and or- dered usage, Parliament met to-day for the third ion of the fourteenth Parlia- ment of the Queen. Act , Session opened last night at Devonshire House, where the Duchess was “at home.” ier there were the Ministerial dinners. On the other side of the h Spencer House, which will conveniently hold the full muster of Liberal Peers, was hospi- tably open, whilst the Squinz or Matwoop entertained his colleagues of the Commons in the dining-room on Richmond Terrace where last year, according to his cheerful custom, Lord Onstow, le vrai Am + gave his Tuesday dinners. All the i ters, and some ex-Ministers, met later at Devonshire House, adding to the bril- liancy of the throng the distinction of their uniforms. “Reminds me,” says Sark, lookin round the room, his eye glowing as it fell on the warlike figures Jussz CoLiines and Powst, W11114Ms with swords grt at their slim waists and suspicion of horse- pistols in their coat-tail pockets, “of an- other famous gathering under the hospi- table wing of an earlier but not more charming Duchess. It was at Brussels, you know, one night in June eighty-one years ago. Wonder whether we shall have Waterloo to follow?” Plenty of gocd stories going round, echoes from the several dinner tables. The best is coupled with the name of Lord Ratamors, even yet better known as our dear Davin Puiunxer of the Com- mons, whose appropriation by the House of Lords did more than anything since they threw out the Compensation for Dis- turbance Bill to aggravate the other House. Ratnamore, though in full dress like the rest of the Premier's guests, didn’t wear his sword. Many genial in- quiries why. “Oh!” said the Burteica Baurovr, “in the present overtaxed condition of Ireland, he feels he cannot afford the luxury of a sword.” “Do you mean to imply,” said Rata- morE, “that I have temporarily deposi the weapon with my Financial Relation?” That was last night. But ancient usage must be observed. It demands formal opening of Parliament, with Lords Com- missioners on Woolsack before Throne, a Queen’s speech read, mover and seconder sporting their uniforms, the Leaders from either side of the table crossing swords above it. All this duly took place to-day in more than ordi ban Wo fashion. Only for Jammy WTHER, scene and proceedings would have been hopelessly . Man and boy, with few intermissions arbitrarily enforced by ungrateful consti- tuents, Jemmy has for thirty-two years sat and listened on opening days of revolving Session to recitation of ancient sessional orders coming down from Cromwellian ages. No one says “ Aye” or “No” when question is put from Chair that these be re-affirmed. Nobody listens. If by chance Speaker forgot the formula, few would notice. To-day slumber of thirty-five years broken. On Jemmy LowrTHer’s quickened ear strikes voice of SPEAKER | submitting rule prohibiting Peers from in- terfering in Parliamentary elections. They do so overtly and covertly, and if it please them, what can the House of Commons do to stop them? Nothing. Then why this solemn farce P ILLEGALITE ILLICIT: —S —_ —— ovr COGN AC STILL MOSELLE . CRIMINAL 2s. Ae sg LIQUEURS. = oz | OUR at | a : » aN “TA. TRY THESE PREMISES e- WE BEG To ANNOUNCE THAT WE ARE GOING INTO UNLICE? WE (AN EXCEPTIC ADvA\t Te ovr * WHISKEY. NOTICE HON MEMBERS SHOULD TRY OVP. UKA b CORR TAILS —__— Tue ParuiaAmentary (CriminaL) Bar! Constable R-ch-rd W-bst-r Al. “* Well, gents, You ’re a breakin’ o’ the law as ’ard as ever you can go, and you want a hact o’ Parliament to put you right! Thank you, gents; ’ere’s your very good ’ealths and a ’Appy New Year!” Jemmy first puts question to himself; come to-day. But another House of Com- then, in gravest manner, with that judicial mons anachronism is doomed. They have air that at critical epoch saved the Jockey this day lit a candle that will burn up these Club, submits it to conscience of awakened dust-dried nal orders. House. He even takes a division, and Business done.—Session opened. though overwhelmed by numbers, knows 'hursday.—Things have come to pootey he is right, and that right will prevail. with the mo of Parliaments. It “Don't know how it is,” said J. G.| appears that for more than half a century Taxsor, brushing away a consecrated tear, House of Commons been nothing less than “but when I listened to Jammy Lowrner an unlicensed public-house! Witram just now, and saw Tommy Bows rally to| Lawson long suspected it. To-night his his side to lead the forlorn ge into the fears publicly confirmed upon no au- lobby, I recalled the last scene by a Smith-| thority than that of Arronney-GunmraL. field fire. You remember how, when the| That rned man says short Act must be executioners placed a live ot at Rw-!| brought in to put matters right. LEy’s feet bound to the , Latiwzn That all very well, but what are we to do said, ‘Be of good comfort, Master Bowizs in the meantime? and what about the in- mean + Ri.tey—and play the | numerable breaches of the law in the past ? man. We shall this day light such a candle | Suppose Act of indemnity ma: be in d as I trust shall never be put | But with legislative machine out.’ Jemmy to Tommy. They are over-' loaded, weeks, y over- perhaps months, must

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——— ee | | | yy PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 30, 1897. J-mmy L-wth-r. “ Now then, you old dummy, we ’ve had enough of you! ”’ elapse before it’s added to Statute Book. Any night we are liable to a raid of police, and may find ourselyes taking part in a morning sitting in Westminster Police Court. Incident quite demoralised House on eve of Session. The Peers have meanly evaded their share of responsibility b utting up the shutters, and going o Keune for a week. This is under pretence that they have no work to do, “ and,” says | “Instead of which,” Prince Artuur takes it in hand, and Joun o’ Gorst has no more to do than if he were a Peer. “Have you any idea where Gorst is?” I asked Prince Artuur, meeting him in the corridor just now. “Yes,” he said, with a smile childlike and more than usually bland. “I fancy he’s at home, drawing up amendments to my Education Bill.” This was early in sitting. Later the the Marxiss, “I do not know that any | childlike smile was chased away, scorched | support is given to the constitution by our| under the Jove-like frown. The summer coming here without business.” Havin noting, te hn is normal ype the Lords throu e greater part of the average Session. What they really mean by this movement is to stand off and see | what line the police will take. If they follow the ordinary course in similar cir- cumstances, and swoop down on premises where liquor is sold without a license, at least they shall pick up no prizes in the persons of Peers of the Realm. In the Commons, the attendance is very | small: probably same motive that moves | the Peers operates in individual cases. An Irish debate on, but quite impossible to get up any excitement. Members come and go, entering the House timidly, re- tiring stealthilv, startled at shadow of the familiar policeman in the lobby. The demoralisation may only prove temporary. | It is certainly complete. The worst that could happen would be better than this haunting, harrassing d . Business done.—Debate on the Address. Friday. — Hardly anything been seen since Session opened of Jonn o’ Gorst, time-honoured Educationalist. Has, I am told, though I haven’t seen him, looked in for a few moments. Certainly has not shown ungovernable disposition to comfort bv his companionship his colleagues on Treasury Bench. Fresh effort being made by Government to pass Education Bill. Reasonable to suppose that the Education Minister would, as last year, have charge of it. | sky one by angry blast. Never saw | Paince Artuur in such tantrums; and it was all Henry Howorrs. Who but must laugh if such a man there be ; Who would not weep if Atticus were he? Yes, it was Arricus of Printing House Square—Articus, at whose feet the na- tions are wont to sit when he is pleased to | instruct them in the correspondence co- lumns of the Times; Atricus, confounded by the certainly singular coincidence of serious indisposition amongst dynamitards | closely corresponding with access of Con- servatives to office and introduction of Irish Land Bill, a sudden epidemic that made their release by Home Sxrcrerary imperative. TT1cus was as philosophical in his re- flections, as courteous in his speech, as benevolent in his bearing as his prototype Appison. Effect on Prince Arruour all the more vitriolic. It was a fine display of fiery indignation ; splendid outburst of de- clamation. But, as Sark says, it really had nothing to do with the gravamen of Hewry Howortn’s charge. Business done.—Close of first week on the Address. Curious Facr.—The person best ac- quainted with the power of water is a fire- man. ILLUMINATION NOT POPULAR IN GeER- THE VERY LAST OF THE CHANNEL TUNNEL. A Romance or THE Furure. Tue tempest was at its worst. waves ran mountains high, and the wind - Never,” murm | “ Never! | “But see, the weather gets more terrible with every moment. Sign this, and I will | warrant t you will never again have so | “I will not sign,” continued the Pre- mier, feebly. “Bo you not observe that I | have not strength to so.” wed, Ber Lage I ha tempter ey, © great ad g a painless journey. Consider | the brilliant eae | e scheme has re- ceived at the hands of Giapstonz, CospEn, ane But — tect try fro m my coun m invasion,” quagel out the suffering states- man. “I must be worthy of my race— my utation.” At this moment the continually stricken vessel lurched, which caused a mournful == from the wretched servant of the tate. “Sign! sign! sign!’ commanded the evil genius once more, proffering the fatal pen. “Spare me!” came the couch. “ Ever. the merciless and mercenary ticket- collector, seeing my hapless condition, has had pity upon me.” “T have more at stake than the ticket- collector,” retorted the oppressor ; “I have the future of the peoples of England and France to take co ee I have my own personal prospects to advance.” “But coal has been discovered in the Channel,” argued the Premier, in a feeble tone. “Even should the tunnel be never constructed, there will be ample fuel to be wrested from the ocean. This in itself will make the shareholders wealthy.” But the tempter was obdurate. He again pressed the pen upon the stricken one. “Here you have the pen between your fingers. Sign!” The uest came too late—the states- man had ainted ! Z “ An excellent likeness!” exclaimed the Mayor of Dover, as he removed the cover- ing from the statue, two years later. “ He never got over that e sacrificed his life to his duty.” And, amidst every mark of respect, a new monument was added to the already teeming attractions of the Cinque Ports. Tt had on it an inscription that concluded with the words, “and he saved his country from invasion by submitting to the terrors of the Channel Passage.” Perverted Proverb. “A YRrEnp in need, a friend indeed,” No doubt sounds very fine. A friend in need a friend indeed! No friend is he of mine. Tue Crntic. Our own Idiot declares that, a propos of auto-cars, he cannot make another jeu de mot or pun. Nors sy 4 Harrow Bor.—Masters who are always down on cribs invaria pro- vide the hardest beds for their boa » many.—Tausch light. ee I ee oe oe Ee = weaeaec lal

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I a OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Janvary 30, 1897. | Of Hig vest Quality ; tot Tost 6, Secteg, Seeiy, are ther eet wenn tr, ran an et LAKATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENGE, VERY — TQ TAME. ys), HIERATICA ar te gtece en, 5 Quires, ls. Court Envelopes, ls. per 30 Thin, for Fe sect Compenpenianaty ry ali Stationers, or send stamps to Hieratica Works, 68, Upper Thames’ P mda London. Quires, 1s. Mourning Note, 5 Quires, ls. 64. Mourning Envelopes, 1s. 6d. per 100. TA M A R CON ST IPATION, tn "The New Coffee. Ogliciqus, and enjoyed | by those who can take no other.” INDIEN #pages Cafe Z YY hak PEPTONISED GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, 8.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AWD DRUGGISTS, 2g. Ga. 4 ROX. Ip Tins, 2s. ILK AND COFFEE. A Doctor writes :—“ As near perfection as one can desire.” 6d. and 1s. 6d. Obtainable every where. SAVORY & MOORE, Lendon. Martell’s SAVORY MOORE'S INFANTS’ FOOD sect ano woer teonomen. [A TOILET POWDER From the heath-cover ed mountains of Scotia I come.’ verve | _ FURNITURE | rune AMELI $e Goo THE OLRaeT 45D 8 Choice Old fear POUDRE Prepared by Picard Fréres, D'AMOUR Parfumeurs. “ Loved of gil igdies."—“ Much 440,” Act L., Be. 1. ror THE COMPLEXION, ADAMS'S Suatie | Ettepen | PO W E it S a a “e wee ti-| i a 3 ps 295 2Galls.’ amount. VV WVVWVVUYVY vvVV"VvV7779 EPPS'S CRATEFUL—GOMFORTING GOCOA [| GARES akg Peanes GUA D imitation ad Tih ing, which beep the ties PLAYER'S WAVY CUT CIGARETTES im Packets and 24, 50, and size, viz., “MAG! Mechel ta |Z tee || BALSAM DEWAR Ss} >in gama ~POLISH Si -ANISEED. | P ANDS" CURE AETH, BONEN: en you ask lor . re tare at ae that you get against THOMAS POWELL, Blackfriars Bosd, Lonion. “PUNCH” is being set up every week by LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. ~CLARKES~ | | view Se WRIGHT S.> 1 .COAL’ TAR erm) _oOAP

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er PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 30, 1897. Cheapest for Beef Tea. Goes furthest in the Kitchen. LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT. Always look for the BLUE SIGNA- TURE. There are many imitations which have not the same flavour and are not so carefully manufactured. Dae Nh ian al Wht cy Perfect Health for the skin, and a complexion creamy and delicate as the blush rose, attends the habitual use of Pears ; im every part of the world. DU BARRY’S REVALENTA FOOD Cures All disorders of the Stomach and Bowels, the Blood, the Nerves, Lungs, Liver, Brain, Voice, and Breath—such as Constipation, Dyspepsia, Indigestion, Consumption, Diar- rhea, Dysentery, Influenza, Grippe, Acidity, Heartburn, Phlegm, Flatulency, Feverish Breath, Nervous, Bilious, Pulmonary, Glandular, Kidney and Liver Complaints, Debility, Cough, Asthma, all Fevers, Spasms, Impurities and Poverty of the Blood, Ague; Rheumatism, Gout; Nausea and Vomiting ; Eruptions, Sleeplessness, Atrophy, Wasting in Adults and Children. 50 years’ invariable suc- cess with old and young, even in the most hopeless cases. 100,000 annual cures. PRICES.—_DU BARRY’S REVALENTA ARABICA suitably packed for all climates. In Tins of 3 Ib. at 2s.; 1 lb., 3s. 6¢d.; 21b., 6s. ; 5 Ib., 14s.; 12 Ib., $22.; 24 Ib., 60s.; or about 2d. per meal. All Tins carriage free at home and in France. Also DU BARRY’S TONIC REVALENTA BISCUITS ensure sleep and nervous | energy to the most restless and enfeebled. ir. Tins, 1 Ib., 3s. 64.; 2 Ib., 6s. DU BARRY AND CO. (Limited), 77, Regent Street, London, W.; 14, Bue de Castiglione, Paris; 59, Rue du Rhéne, Geneva; and of all Grocers and Chemists SATURDAY. ¢ Printed by Willie Stuart *mith, of No. 39, Loraine Road, Wollowag, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex. at the Offices of Messrs. Brad’ Agnew, & Co., Limited, dard Street. in the Precinct of Whitefriars, im the City Bride, mei 20, 1807. London, and published by him at No. 65, Flect Street, in the Parish of 8t. Bride, City of London —Sarvapar, January 90, 66 > Cat a PUBLISHED EVERY