Punch 1897-01-09: Vol 112 Iss 2896

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66 3) THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. A P , N | A Bottled under the absolute control of the Royal Hungarian Chemical Institute (Ministry of Agriculture), Buda Pest. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices 6d., 18., and 18. 3d. per bottle. SoLE IMPORTERS: THE APOLLINARIS COMPANY, LIMITED, LONDON, Z 550 Ss ; i SS "aN | “> in | —) .-s Pra dy, Lo) at LV

Aa Man 5° ® ey ? >’ 4 Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

ee S000 E) eee = el ©, PRICE THREE PENCE. ITeERTTIIITTI I)

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any description. will in no case be returned, we there will be no exception. Communications Contributions. whether MS.. Printed Mater. Drawings. or Pictures of : hen cosempented 09 a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this not even Ww 62 NOTICE.— Rejected

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—January 9, 1897. TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. SCRUBB'S sosscnnn AMMONIA THE FOURTH ISSUE FOR 1697 Eancy in January. Paice 2/6. pli_a ; Loro LEIGHTON

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> a = fos £ @ Ace SE Bi # And might he go to Hades if the rascals got away! And once it is recorded that his er burst all bounds, And he positively charged a scamp with poaching on his grounds ; But when the rogue was fined and swore he n’t any pelf, The Colonel shook him by the hand and paid the fine himself. boys, too, lost their terror of the man-traps and spring- ns, And the cherry-trees were pillaged by the poachers and their sons, ; Who flocked about the orchard like the bees about a hive, Till the Colonel vowed he’d take his whip and flay the lot alive. He caught a pair of urchins and he swore he ’d make them squeal, He’d flog them till they couldn’t stand—he ’d teach them how to steal, And he dragged them off to slaughter —When the urchins re- appea Their sowie were full of toffy and their cheeks with jam were smeared. And so it somehow happened that, despite the strange be- ginning, 4 : A friendship sprang and flourished ’twixt the sinned against and sinning, And often ~ evening, when the balmy Zephyr blows, And the odour of the lavender is mingled with the rose, The Colonel seeks his — where he puffs his brown cheroot, Stretched at his ease beneath the trees among his flowers and it. Then come the urchins running when his gaunt, grey form they see, And they clamour for a s as they crowd about his knee, And he ‘ells of siege and battle, till the youngsters hold their breath, And he tells of deeds of daring in the very jaws of death And he tells them of the heroes that have won a soldier's grave, And he tells them of the glory that is given to the brave. ; = {” he cries. “Be heroes, too, and dare to do and die! ” Ah! Dulce et decorum est pro patria mort!

“On, Tae Raniry! ”—“ Of all the substances we meet with in this world,” says the Scotsman, “water is in many ey the most wonderful.” There is some obscurity about this frank admission. Is it water for mixing purposes, or for the morning tub, the rarity of whose acquaintance extorts the solemn excla- mation? The fact that it resounds from Edinburgh on New Year’s Eve favours the first suggestion.

VOL. OXII, ©

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 9, 1897. ia 1 fp hina Ty | ‘il lat i) Mh) il] wi Ze a HH YZ I; os MiMi yaa | Pd | YS 1 - mm ttn w\ se are ih nat i | Wa Pie Cy = Oz22_g ““MANY HAPPY ‘RETURNS’!” House Steward (Sir M, H-cks-B-ch—to Mr. John Bull), ‘‘Happy to Frinp, Sir, THAT FROM APRIL THE First TO THE END OF DECEMBER THERE HAS BEEN NO FALLING OFF,” lus . to no sop to angry Irishmen. If the latter are to be pacified it must be in Gee id into the Imperial Exchequer £1,284,000, or nearly four times the estimated su en . and taxpayers must look ts ee is pretty fully mortgaged . . . net increase in the gross revenue is £1,780,000, and in™the revenue revenue ] (aside), ‘‘Be sapers! Wuen I cuvck My WEIGHT INTO THE SCALE, THAT LL TAKE THE COMPLACENCY OUT OF HIM!” Dondori, Tenuarn too. The ‘‘ Broth of a Boy” “On the nine months to date the te ho way.” —

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January 9, 1897.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ’ THE OLD TO THE NEW. “Tuere’s nothing new beneath the sun,” Yet, now the Old Year’s course is run, We greet the next as New. - Ring out, wild bells! Well, they ring : ~~ out : But, ’midst their merry noise, we doubt \ : ahr If more than the old c and shout — Makes music sweet as true. As each stout arm tugs at its rope, Fe We strive to read the tones of Hope = Into the clangorous clatter ; | But so we did when Ninety-six - = Was at ourdoor. We count our chicks Before they’re hatched; but Time’s old ae tric me rs * Make hope a doubtful matter. Pig ‘i ty \ We trust there ’ll be a boom in trade, , % We hope no other reckless raid / eal es Will gladden Boer and Teuton. eS \\\ ‘ We nd that the Armenian murk i (FE | \\\ \\ > tot : i \. ot May lighten, that the chuckling Turk Won’t cut us out a mournful work Humanity fain is mute on. We hope that Concert may at length Tune up in unison and strength, Whoever be its leader. We trust that Pity may no more - Co Seapes ny ane tand helpless, for the suffering poor An unregarded pleader. But whether anything more new Than the New Woman greet our view, Seems just a bit uncertain. Ring out the old—when the old’s bad!— But, Ninety-seven, my hopeful lad, Let oe good news” make our hearts gla Before you drop the curtain! THE NEW HUMANITY. ( With Compliments to those who consider Dickens’ » ‘* Christmas Carol” out of date.) Mr. Punon, Sin,—Now that Christmas is well over, and we oe comfortably into the New Year, I will let you into a secret. I have set my face against all the absurd customs of Yule-tide, with the hap- 5 (iy er Bo e festi y ign xing Day. Why should the dustman, the baker, the turncock, and the police have a shilling a-piece P They don’t give me presents, then why should I remember them? Then the idea of commencing the New coe —_7 is absurdly conventional. y sho outrage my feelings because one — 2 = days = ended, and — set o s is about to commence? So I fell out with my friends and cut my UNGENTLE PERSUASION. family all round. I am pleased to say that Mother. ‘‘ToMMY, WHAT ON EARTH Is BABY CRYING FoR?” at this moment I am not on s i Tommy. ‘‘ He's ANGRY WITH ME, MAMMA, BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO MAKE HIM SMILE terms with my sons, have turned my| WITH YouR GLOVE-STRETCHER.” daughter out - doors, and Save = > r - 1 a deed of separation with my wife. “ MADE IN GERMANY.” “Demanpe Joveuss.” —Supposez que us I commence the year untrammelled H . itish Trade vous soyez & Londres, et que vous aper- by family ties, and free from responsibili- Be allecte br the Teute ceviez souris courant sur les genoux ties that have always been irksome. So ae and — I d’un de vos amis, quel est le nom d’un Finally, I conclude by failing to wish n things dent ong em zane fameux peintre francais que rappellerait you the compliments of the season, as the t were th = J we ee. cette circonstance ? senseless greeting is out of date, and con- ae ¢ b » 4. o Kai Answer. “Mice on knee, eh?” sequently inappropriate. So no more at M ee Ay -_ all & “ee We are informed that our poor dear friend means present from Yours sincerely, eet with such a eucoess “ Murssonren.” —Eb. } A. Kuzr Muposon That to drop them would be wiser. z ; But the Teutons of one trade : Seem monopolists outspoken ; Preina Times! — We co ulate “ Sir Ar Frascatr’s, in Oxford Street, an or-| "Tis of tricky treaties, made FrepgRick Wis, Bart.” er Majesty, chestra performs during lunch. Of course, (Like old pie crusts) to be broken! having taken a “Bird’s-eye” view of his the selections in a grill-room would be| (Countersigned by O. von Bismarck, past services, has given him a “ short cut” chiefly from Cuorin. Or most plainly ring his mark!) towards the peerage.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [January 9, 1897. THE “NEW HOUSEMAID.” Proposed Mistress, ‘‘ Lev ME 8EE—WHAT 18 YouR NAME!” Candidate for Domestic Honours. ‘‘ GWENDOLEN GLADYS BLANCHE.” P. M. 1’ arratp THat I SHALL HAVE TO CALL You ‘MarRTHA.’” C. ‘‘ Not me! I coutpn'r pisGRace MY GODPARENTS NOT TO PLEASE THE QUEEN. Goop MORNIN’.” [Departs disgusted, THE ARMY CANDIDATE’S VADE MECUM. Question. Desiring to adopt the military profession—presum- ably with the view of preserving the honour of the British flag— what steps are necessary to carry out your patriotic motive ? Answer. It is requisite that I should pass the qualifying ex- aminations. Q. Quite so. And how do you propose bringing this rather ambitious scheme to a successful inf A. By obtaining a sufficient number of marks. Q. Certainly. And how are these to be secured ? A. By spending nearly every hour of five years of my life in the class-rooms of a essional crammer. Q. But will not this entail considerable expense ? A. Very considerable ; but as it will be borne by my parents that is a matter that has for me no personal concern. Q. Will not your parents regard the coach’s bills as a pecuni- ary substitute for the old-fashioned system of purchasing a com- mission ? A. Most probably ; they will not improbably consider the sum sunk in tuition as | money lost, rather than as cash invested, to be returned on my | retirement from soldiering. “4 Q. Then cramming serves as a bar to a call to arms as effectu- | ally as purchase ? A. So it may be said. But again, that is an affair that has | no claim upon my individual attention. Q. Leaving the question of cost out of the calculation, will | and if my oy are good at figures | not you have to take up a number of subjects that never oc- | curred to the First Duke of Weutinerton ? A. Undoubtedly; but then his deceased grace had strange idees ane=* the officering of the Army. He is credited with | having once declared that Waterloo was won on the Playing- Fields at Eton. Q. Adopting his opinions for a moment, what do you know of athletic sports ? A. Next to nothing, as all my knowledge has been derived from hearsay evidence. Q. Could you captain a cricket eleven or a football team ? A. Certainly not; and it would be absurd to learn ye about the occupation, as the subject is not one recognised by the examiners. Q. Could you mancuvre an army in the field? A. Not unless I found myself in a position to do so from a forced acquaintance with hydrostatics, geometrical drawing, and other knowledge of a kindred character. Q. Then you will sacrifice physical fitness to mental progress ? A. I have no choice. I must employ my time in learning the subjects — by the examiners. gd. if this be so, how can you keep up the glory of A. By following in the steps of my predecessors. Q. But those steps appear to have been in a different direc- tion. Can you not find a better answer to the question? A. Inthe absence of physical training, I must trust to the fact that I am by birthright an lishman. : Q. Certainly. And as an Englishman what is your opinion on the subject generally ? A. That Britannia rules the waves, and, in spite of the re- strictions of the examinations, Britons will never, never, never ves. Q. One question more. Is this last answer of yours logical ? A. No, it is something better—it is patriotic. NO “CURLING” OF THE UPPER LIP. Dear Mr. Puncn,—An Army Circular has just been issued by which officers of Her Majesty’s Land Forces are reminded that according to Section ., Par. 25, of the Queen’s Regu- lations : — ** Moustaches are to be worn, and the chin and under lip are to be shaved (except by pioneers, who will wear beards). Whiskers, when worn, are to be of moderate length.” I know, Sir, that the above notice refers to the fact that many agg ge men have recently taken to shaving the upper ip. But, in , the custom has prevailed mainly in self de- fence. Let me cite my own case. I had tried for at least eighteen months to promote the moustaches, so imperatively de- manded by our Sovereign. The compounds with which I have anointed my upper labial have been expensive, irritating, un- seemly, and, alas! useless. I am a ov Jacos, and if ever appointed a pioneer could not raise the necessary bird’s nest. As to whiskers, I have often wondered, when looking at pictures of the late lamented Lord Dunpreary, whence he derived them. As a last endeavour to conform with the Queen’s commands, I have, under professional advice, severely scraped my face thrice a day, and under the same professional advice I have arrived at the conclusion that possibly eighteen distinct hirsute tributes to Her Majesty’s regulations—a thin red line indeed—might sur- mount my teeth. you think that Our August Ruler and Lord Wotseuey will be satisfied with this show of zeal? Are the Duke of Camsrince’s whiskers up to regulation form? Must I abandon my profession ? Yours in despair, Rvurvs Leonrmas NiPcHin, _ Tieutenant. Aldershot. (Name of regiment indecipherable.) [We recommend our Correspondent to keep his hair on, if he can.—Ep.] The Ear and the Voice on the Transvaal. [President Krier does not believe in idle reports, and Mr. Ceci, Ruopes does not speak out for the sake of others. } A “Dump Crampo” duet mid South African fears, By two powerful men has but lately been sung. “Oom Paut” makes a point of fast shutting his ears, And Rhodesian Crom. of holding his tongue. After a Trip to London. Archie. Weel, Sanpr, an’ hoo did ye pass the time in Lunnon? Sandy. Richt brawly, mon. An’ forbye, when I’d clappit a stove pipe on my head and put on a frockit coat, ’ ARcHIE, if one _ a Southron but didna’ take me for a Cockney born an

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January 9, 1897.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

ROUNDABOUT READINGS. (Letters from Mr. R. to his Nephew at Cambridge, and to Others.) VI.—Or Lerrers—Or Yoururut Humour anp Garery—Or StYLeE AND its Stupy—Or Cuarizs Lams, Hazuirt, anp CHARLES READE. My pgar Jack,—Your letter demands a yah You say (I quote er “I have bought Napzmer’s Peninsula and old Marsor, and 1’ve tackled Marpor because he’s shorter. It's simpl ripping. I never read such good ting in my life. That bit where his mare tore a Russian’s face off and pulled an officer to bits is grand. If old Marsor has written anything else | wish you’d let me know, as I shall certainly | ww” 1 No. commend your honest enthusiasm, my dear Jack, I don’t carp at the simple style in which you —— it. “Ripping” is an emphatic word that in its way is probably as good as “ awful,” and “ stunning,” and other wo affected by a former i qremtice of youths for the expression of their astonishment or their plea- sure; and for my part, I would rather have a lad write a letter in the style that best suits him for conveying his ts, the direct and forcible style of the schoolboy, than pi choose with a precise and laborious care the exotics of language that nothing except the writer’s own precious affectation and lack of lack pen a ae P eu But there’s a y mean, JAoK, re’s a happy mean. Nearly all youngsters cone humour and gaiety, anda sense of laughter. , as life pues and the world lays its deadly clutch upon them—when they pass from careless youth to domestic happiness, the payment of weekly bills the charge of a growing family afflicted by measles, or clamorously de- manding to be clothed, to be sent to the seaside or to school, and generally obscuring the leisure and clogging the energies of their parents—when, as I say, they suffer ge, gaiety and the sense of laughter at the advent of the rate-collector and the butcher, and the happy spirit of undergraduate dinners is turned into the dull and plodding citizen. Still, while there is youth there is brightness—but the bright- ness does not often find its way into tke letters in which the feelings of youth are expressed. It is a vain thing consciously to sit down in order to study style with a view to self-improve- ment. Legions of prigs and pedants are doing it, I know, all the world over at this very moment, inspi to their dreadful undertaking by the rash and unthinking words of this or the other successful man of letters, who, under the compulsion of an interview may have confessed that as a boy he formed himself upon the model of Appison, and that to this fact he attributes the marvellous sale of his latest novel dealing with plot and passion. So, when stretched upon the rack, or with his thumbs fixed in the screws, a medieval victim would abjure errors of which he was not guilty, and confess to crimes that he had never committed. Still, if you read well-written books, your taste in words and sentences must gradually improve. Why not try the essays and letters of Cuantzs Lams? Even a boy who has just passed his Little Go (did I congratulate you upon the auspicious event ?) must, I think, submit to the fascination and enchant- ment of this master of insight, whimsical humour and playful, tender regret. And how manly he is in the midst of his weak- nesses, how simple, how human. If you read his letters you will learn to love him not merely as a writer, but as a friend en- deared to your heart by innumerable acts of affection and friend- ship, and by delightful sallies never darkened by the sullen, loomy broodings that make companionship and life itself a bur- den. Then, if you want another manly, breezy, hard-hitting tellow to cheer you along, take a turn with Hazuitt, and begin, as you are fond of fighting, with his account of the prize-fight at Bristol, in which the Gasman was forced to throw up the sponge. There ’s a piece of splendid writing for you. I cannot think of a higher compliment than to say that it does not suffer even b comparison with that immortal battle in Rodney Stone, wit which my friend Mr. Conan Doyte has lately set our sl blood tingling. And for another fight take dear old crotchety Cuaries Reape’s Hard Cash. I it up again only the other day, and had to read it to the end before I put it down. The talk rashly of epics now and again, I notice, in connection wi some bode or other that comes tumbling into the reviewer's hands, but Hard Cash is an epic if ever there was one, and the fight of the East Indiaman with the pirate ships is one that oMER would have rejoiced to witness, and to consecrate in hexameters. : Farewell, Jack; I am glad to hear that your new dog is no undistinguished or merciful enemy of rats. My compliments to B. him, and my love to you. Your affectionate uncle,

Axiom oF THE Postman at CoaistTmas.—Tip for tap.

- P| 5 Me

a Ay iS JAN Be 'e ll iee/M dh ™ al if

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Tue Practice HAs ** No, Miss Constance, I po not ‘ BiKe.’ BECOME 80 EFFEMINATE, YOU KNOW!

THE ELECTIONS OF THE FUTURE. (A Forecast based on the situation in Cleveland and Forfarshire.) First Electioneering Agent. Well, we’ve got a satisfactory candidate at last. All my voters are delighted with him! Second E. A. Our constituents are equally pleased with my choice. A thoroughly satisfactory and able advocate of popular

views ! First E. A. Might I ask, in all confidence, where you found your man? Because—— agar mg ty at first, E. A. Well—I my g had a little difficu tell the truth, so : wint E A. Just so; but now we know that the old saw about distance and enchantment still cuts crisply? _ Second E. A. Precisely! (Loeisog stealthily around). And where do you think I made my find . First E. A. Not in Great Britain, I'll lay a sovereign. : Second E. A. You’re right! (Whispers.) We cabled for him from Behring’s Straits. Good move? : First E. A. Admirable! I secured my man by a special mes- senger to the Gobi Desert. - Second E. A. Call yours a go-bye election, eh? First E. A. And yours a case of say and seals. what ’s your champion’s name Second BE. A. Utrsses TRLeMacuvs. First E. A. (aghast). What? Why, that’s my man! Unysses shall stand f cHUS or me. “ies E. A. But sit for me! (Tableau and curtain. vases TELEMACHUS falls between two stools. Electioncering a adenine f future te discover eligible candidates nearer home. By the way,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 9, 1897. ewe wand ih te crorree NEW DEPARTURE Witt! | Me ra ih ) bs | ‘ \\ = Y, yy, " wt iis ane nk i We “ys ” ql ve ¥ MS 2 ui I "y q Ny us i Pe i v9 ’] iW yy 4 : \\ 3 o) \\ wen ay t => 5 Ait ADVERTISING. MEMBERS OF THE ARISTOCRACY AND OTHER DISTINGUISHED SPORTSMEN MAY NOW INCREASE THEIR INCOMES BY FULFILLING THEIR EVENING ENGAGEMENTS IN THE 8TYLE SUGGESTED ABOVE. THE NEW SHAMROCK OF OLD IRELAND. | (An Irish Melody more or less after Moore.) Ain—“‘ Oh, the Shamrock 1” Turoven Erin’s Isle, A weary while, Were oa. and Orange fighting ; i s. d. Joined them with glee, The rival tints uniting. Now, where they pass A triple Shoots up, hike Sydenham’s rockets. | “Union of Hearts” Fails, but this starts The Union of Pockets! Oh! the Shamrock, the green (and yellow) Shamrock |! For £ s. d. Henceforth shall be Old Erin’s genuine Shamrock ! Says Sexton, “See, This sprang from Me, The Saxon liors scorning!” Says CastLeTown, “Faith, I must own You did give us fair warning.” Dunraven, too, Joins the same crew As Dition, nay, as Darr ; The new type blends @ Old foes as — n the same ey y. | Oh! the teed ged nm (and yellow) Shamrock | Sure, £ s. d. Henceforth must be Old Erin’s typic Shamrock! So firmly fond P the bond That weaves all Pats together, No drop of gall, No oO And Repmonp stints his blether. SAUNDERSON, too, Curses the screw Wherewith Joun Bout doth bleed ’em ; And, nobly rash Would a dash For true (financial) Freedom ! Ob! the Shamrock, the = (and yellow) Shamrock ! £ s. d. Henceforth must be Ould Oireland’s symbol Shamrock ! PUNCH, NOT “ WHUSKEY.” As everyone knows, it is the custom of the Scot to celebrate the birth of the New Year with copious libations. On the _ sent annive , a “braw laddie” Dundee in Lente was so overcome that 2 > Ye « fon, but just a wee pie i’ the e’e.” e next morning— New Year’s Day—he was asked how he kad enjoyed himself. “Hech! mon!” he said to his interlocutor, “ we jest went amazing till they brought in the whuskey- Then . But mark ye, wasna the whuskey, but the ip tat casse pupehy oon tat is same sae invigorating, I wouldna mind, d’ye ken, taking a sam- ple o’ the same ower ‘Border for the demnification of our ain meenister.” [And he did. ie, it > ing body NOUGHTS AND CROSSES. (Her Answer to Verses last week.) How dare you write such verses— Such sland’rous rhymes, for shame! I’d have you to remember That two must play the game. I fear too little supper, Or some such slight alloy, Inspired your “ Noughts and Crosses,” ou cross and naughty boy ! At least you ’ll be delighted To hear I loved my ball ; My partners all were charming ; did enjoy it all! And once I may, in fancy, Have danced—just once, I may— “ With some confoun fellow A hundred miles away ”! You lent your “ doubting demon” A rather ready ear. Of all such holy persons I warn you to beware. And let me add one whisper (Not that you ’ll care one jot), Your thoughts of me were—cross ones, My thoughts of you were—not! -| Amid the mystic Green Glare of the Snapdragon Bowl. Little Daisy. Oh, Captain Bosswei1, do look at Aunt Jenny! She looks just as she does when I go to wish her good- morning before she gets up! [And Captain B. and Aunt J. are an engaged couple.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 9, 1897.

sia —_— = —— “ <<, tee — rae Se OR, THE GARRISON GONE OVER. CaPTaln oF THE Watcu (ARTH-R B-LF-R). “MY LIEGE! THE IRISH HOSTS, AT LENGTH UNITED, ARE AT THE GATES! OUR LOYAL GARRISON ESPOUSE THEIR CAUSE!” THe Baron (Lorp 8-L-SB-RY, gloomily). “THEN, BY MY HALIDOM, OUR GOOSE IS COOK’D!” (From a doosid Old Play.)

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\WYA, als ‘9 \\\) St We » a -_.

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January 9, 1897.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

S 4 . ae ere Bt - “ — —— ly r° er 1r of a French polisher on British

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ee me 23 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 9, 1897. READY-MADE COATS-~(OF-ARMS); OR, GIVING ’EM FITS! Ma ag yun? F has SBN Bw s wen THEY Tuomas, Viscount B-wi-s or THe Bosruorts. Baron B-nri-tr or SHEFFIELD. ae Arms : Quarterly ; lst, sable a turkish imperial star and crescent quixoti- - - ‘ : Without stain’’); 2nd, a swazi chieftain dancetté, sinister tentacle a master-mariner’s certificate; 2nd, two pairs of ducks, worn |abelled “‘ Silomo,’’ armed and accoutred proper, and habited—well, ahem !— alternately for distinction, displayed proper; 3rd, on a mount arabesque &@ suitably to a tropical climate ; 3rd, on an heraldic provincial platform a knight diminutive cavalier in his glory urgent (motto, ‘‘ Noctem in rotingro’’); rampant and demonstrant charged with a peroration grandiloquent to the last; 4th, an eastern khalif or sultan on a field sanguine, charged with a halo for 4th, a private chart proper, showing Go Fe ports and a on the Arms : Quarterly ; lst, an heraldic cap’en or cuttle-fish sapient, holding in | .4)) flaunted (motto, “ benevolence. Crest: A demi superior purzon erect collared, semée of hurts °#8t. of Poland, discovered and survey by the present baron. Crest: An displaying regal hauteur, charged in the middle with a nautical telescope *“™€T04D or spread-eagle bearing the union-jack displayed, over all a sun in effrontée. Supporters: Two sea-dogs or antique “‘saults” regardant splendour which never sets. Supporters: Dexter, a more or less british lion in ury bearing a fire-arm pro i iodically discharged at random ; sinister, 2 timbretose, arrayed all proper, couped at the elbow and knee, and the limbs russian bug-bear passé and ~ mm elbows, suitably bound for transport to the replaced by artifice. wilds of hysteria. Second motto: ‘Oh, Swaziland! my Swaziland!” + ioneeile . mriieieatl ‘home the manservant and the gardene IN THE LONDON FOG. had to casry us upstairs. ™ “ ” : Next day I awoke, feeling no better, and ot — nag Sens Som discovered that I had setioed to rest in my Sn the tatenest of science it may be >t, placed my boots under the pillow, hung , = . my trousers out of the window, and put well to record a plain statement of the my watch and ehain im the water impression made on the overwrought and On crawling to my friend’s oa, ‘1 fat culiar organisations of two individuals a6 he ene ban F nn vidi “ond te th the fog in London the other night.| -ouch had not been slept upon. Seriously The night of its appearance I was stay: | slarmed, I was about to pull the bell for ing at the Grand Hotel, Northumberland | | ita nde bey v , Avenue, with a friend, and we both sallied - _? _ b mage a ae forth dinnerless by way of the Strand to pees o © . er eee the Gaiety Theatre, stopping several times elt ote de bled one it. feebl y poor en route—the journey from Charing Cross | (/°2 ard.” 4 up ‘od. » Bey occupying just over two hours. We agreed| * Ward. summoned assistance, to sup after the play. On arriving at the theatre we both experienced a dull, dead depression of the brain, and neither of us can even now tell what was the name of the piece, or what it was all about. How we get back to the Grand through the murky gloom I know not. Our symptoms can only be described as those of semi- stupidity, and the hotel porter, who helped us into , was clearly of opinion that we had had too much chloral, for he begged us to be careful with the matches. e slept dead-dog sleeps, unconscious of everything, and woke late the next morn- ing, incapable of eating breakfast. There was a kind of buzzing in my head, with a | nauseating desire to avoid food. We re- solved to return to the country at once. | Somehow we reached Waterloo station, | and were rolled like milk cans into the train. What happened one the jour- | —A of =. ewe, — — & was an nd, an us | out at the right station. Still the same | SUGGESTION FOR NEW COINAGE. stupor oppressed us, and when we got View of St. George on Motor-car and the Dragon. had him, despite my own wretched plight, carefully tucked up in bed. We slept for fifty-three hours, with intervals for the consumption of soda water. This evening I am rather better, but it has taken me all day to write this letter. The — aman, our heads » é in ut the burning pain o e@ eye- balls, the shaking of our hands, and the parched condition of our tongues, re- main. What has happened to us? Will any scientist explain? The moral is, in any case, avoid London fogs. There can be no doubt that they contain a brumous poison of hypnotic power. Will chemists analyse it? If so, our sufferings will not have been useless, since humanity will profit by them. [We gladly print the above remarkable expe- riences, but are dis to believe, from internal evidence, that it was intended for a largely cir- culated daily contemporary.—Eb. } At the Sweedletopshire County Ball. Lady Patroness (to Mr. MacNifico (of MacNifico), who sits, like Eugene Aram, “apart from all, a melancholy man”). Now, I ‘ated must introduce you to someone Mr. MacN. (crushingiy). But there is positively nobody in the room! (Retires, and spends the rest of the night in roe five-shilling New Year's Cards to Members of the Aristocracy. Waar tae Lovers or Ecctixstastica, ARCHITECTURE LONG FOR IN CONNECTION with Perrersoroven CatTuepraL. — The end of the Chapter. JANI ALAD Brr colour tone i Banc extin Mr. burly- sidere Fritz Drury Its « at thi and tl away Hecul arrang Say t being top mm Tro gance ample whole at 7.3 elever Mis as Al ess i Badr Chine his ca

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| tone in it), graceful in dance, full of ample ? January 9, 1897.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 23 | ALADDIN AT THE LANE; OR, NEW LAMPS FOR OLD ONES. BriLuiant and artistic jn costumes and kaleidoscopic effects of colour, tuneful in song (you hear a good deal of the Barrett- i o” as leng as Miss Apa BiaNncue is on the stage, and arousing crow: house to in- extinguishable laughter whenever that most eccentric comedian Mr. Dan Lzno is very much “in evidence,” supported by the burly-esque actor, Mr. Hersert Campseti, who may be con- sidered as representing the breadth of the piece, and by tall Mr. Fritz Rua representing the length, the Pantomime at Old Drury has entered on a su career. Its concoctors, Messrs. Strurcess and Lennarp, practised hands at this sort of work, can now afford to cut out and compress ; and they would not have had to do this had they gone straight away with the old familiar story, and had y “come to Hecuba ” in four scenes instead of in seven. It is a tribute to the | arrangement and general supervision of Mr. Oscar Barretr to Dan Drury Leno as The Second Mrs. Twankayray. Say that, from first to last, Aladdin is very “funny without being ” . being” in the least “vulgar.” Thank g there is no topical song”; while of “hits of the day” there are but few, and even these could be spared. Trop de luxe in the costumes. Why run into the extrava- gance of three grand transformation scenes, when one would be Why divide the pantomime in two parts, when the whole house would be content if, commencing (as it does now) . 7.30, it finished, harlequinade and all, by just five minutes to even | Miss Apa BLancue, prince of burlesque princes, is admirable a8 Aladdin, working with a will that would keep going even a less successful extra zm. Drorms Moorm is a sweet Badroulboudour. Miss Ciara Jxoxs is full of vivacity as a little Chinese maid; Miss Pritans is a stylish Prince Pekoe, and Mr. Enxnest D’Avsan shows himself worthy of the family name by his capital impersonation of the small part of the dancing-master. Dan Leno as Widow Twankay is inimitable! Whether he smirks, or stares, or smiles, or frowns, or bows, or curtseys, or stumbles, or runs, or dances, or attempts to sing, or has a ogue with Hersert Campseiy, or is thoroughly happy or thoroughly upset, it doesn’t matter what he does, the house is at once in roars of laughter. The audience cannot have enough of him, and he never overdoes anything. f op tlh ffl / ny, | Mephisto Campbell and Blanche 4 la ‘‘ Show.” This version of Aladdin, “ partly founded on the scenario of the late Sir Aucustus Harris,” as written by Messrs. 7] and Lennarp, with Mr. Oscar Barrett's music and m ement, may be described as a something much more than a “ Sturgess and Lennard-cum-Barrett-ive success,” since, judging from ite reception by a densely crowded house on the fifth night of its existence, which was its ninth representation, it seems likely in every way to rival the most popular of its popular prede- cessors. May the New Lamps at Drury Lane burn as brilliantly as did the Old ones. So mote it be! The Jolly Monarch of the Spree. (Refrain of Song heard recently by a Correspondent at Berlin.) “ Anp this is the moral of my son which must, and always, be : I care for Nonopy, no not I! if 4 onopy cares for me!’ How pip HE GET THERE?—A correspondent of the Doty 78s graph, referring to Ventnor, says, “Here is a town on English soil where the fairest northern winter sunshine may be enjoyed without crossing the seas.” Has the long-talked-of tunnel be- tween the mai d and the Isle of Wight been constructed ? or has one of the legendary submarine passages been discovered ? or have Spithead and the Solent dred up? The writer should really give his reasons for his startling statement. Larerary Iwrexiicence.—It is announced that “Sir Rossat Pert’s novel, A Bit of a Fool, will be published early in Janu- ary.” We understand that the work is not autobiographical in character. He Must Travert Across Somerninc.—The Globe states that Mr. H. M. Srantzy left Dover for Calais on December 29. Cassy calls the new auto-cars his motormentors.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 9, 1897, THE BEST OF ALL! Anxious Mother, ‘Wit, Bossy, AND HOW DID YOU BEHAVE AT rue Parry?” Bobby. *‘On, Mummy, I pDIpN’T BEHAVE AT ALL. | Goon I WAS QUITE | THE MOST LEARNED PROFESSION. (Some further Correspondence. See last week's ** Times."’) Sirn,—As all the campaigns in the future will be conducted entirely upon paper, I venture to suggest that the test provided for the efficiency of Army candidates by the proposed Wooi- | wich entrance syllabus cannot be described as unduly severe. The sooner, in fact, that the standard is raised by the introduc- tion of Obligatory Quantics and Dynamics of the Fourth Dimen- sion, the better for the service and for all concerned. What, I ask, will be the use of our coming generals if, at the age of seventeen, they are unable to floor a five hours’ paper in ele- mentary subjects such as these, which are so highly necessary for a military career? What will become of their Intelligence Department if each budding lieutenant has not, at an early stage, mastered by heart so rudimentary an acquirement as a knowledge of Cuampers’ 10,000 logarithms to seven places? I tremble to think of their certain breakdown in time of war, in grim and real earnest, if these important qualifications are neg- lected. Let the country awake to its responsibilities in time! I am, Sir, your obedient servant A Proressor or Higher MarHemarics. ‘Simm,—Class II. in the Syllabus for Army Candidates might, with advantage, be extended. Metallurgy, the art of ceramics, high-class undertaking, scientific dress-making, legerdemain, the theory of top-dressing, dentistry, thought - reading, French cookery, plate-laying, the use of the tammy, and window- gardening should all be included in the education of our future warriors. You never know when an odd little piece of out-of- the-way knowledge may not be useful in dealing with the foe. Yours fatuously, Waite Kwienr. Sir,—lI trust, I sincerely trust that these Army entrance ex- aminations will be discontinued. We are already becoming inconveniently crowded. ur officers had better be made in Germany. Yours, HAanweELt. Str,—It would be well to iiroduce the Chinese system here. We want genuine /iterati in command of our battalions. Until archeology and anthropology are taken up in a less half-hearted way than at present, I fear our existing system of cramming can hardly be considered complete. What we want is the production of a corps of thoroughly nice and gentle- manly bookworms, well-versed in the literature of war, to con- duct our theoretical military operations in the future. Yours obediently, BEDRIDDEN. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tre Colossus was content to bridge the harbour that opened on to Rhodes. In The Yoke of Empire (Macmiutan), Mr. Reoratp Brett strides across five Prime Ministers, and pats approvingly on the shoulder the Sovereign they have served. Incidentally he remarks that a rival commentor on history, one Macau.ay, “ po a genius for commonplace.” The Bauator does not come in, or, with even more certainty than Sypney Sirs attributed to Jerrrey, Mr. Brett would have spoken disrespectfully of it. As it is, he is i y above the rules of grammar, speaking, for example, of Mr. Giapstone’s “relation to” the What he related is not reported. Minor authorities a have written of the ex-Premier’s “ relations with” Her Majesty. These little foibles apart, Mr. Brerr deals with an interesting subject in a , occasionally a picturesque, manner. A fault in style, if fault may be hinted in such connection, is that, treating each chap- ter as if it were a platform speech, he rounds it off with a pero- ration—a breathlessly long sentence, such as only Mr. GLapsToNE might be counted upon to deliver without stumbling. The mer ae is enriched by half-a-dozen portraits, of themselves worth more than its price. That of Mr. Giapsrong is, my Baronite says, the very best presented of him during the last ten vers. With respect to Echoes from the Oxford Magazine, published some time ago, we are all of Oliver Twist’s mind, and want “More.” Mr. Henry Frown, ever ready to oblige, has issued a second series, under the title, More Echoes. They are, like the contents of the preceding volume, culled from the luxuriant garden of the Ozford Magazine, having come up between 1889 and 1896. Ina a, presumably written specially for this volume, “Q,” an early contributor to the Oxford Magazine, shows what strength and perfect finish may be acquired as time flies and practice grows. A few of the colts are a little wild, presenting in their lightheartedness some amazing rhymes. Ex- ceedingly clever are Mr. Merry’s “ Afternoon Sermons at St. Mary’s,” and T. R.’s “ Meister Wilhelm in Oxford,” which has a fine smack of CanNntNG’s verse in the old Jacobin. As for Mr. Gopuey, he is an acrobat, almost a contortionist in rhyme. He can, my Baronite protests, do anything he pleases with syllables, has even wriggled a passable rhyme out of the apparently im- possible DemosTHENEs.* * The Baron has not seen the book reviewed by his Baronite, but, inspired, he proposes an original couplet : “T send vou a statue: regret it has lost the knees ; ’Tis otherwise perfect. They say ‘tis DemosTHENeEs.” Baron ve B.-W. Rather Mixed. Tue following is from The Irish Times on “ Landslips,” December 31. “ To feel the solid earth rock beneath his feet, to have his natural foothold on the globe’s surface swept, so to speak, out of his grasp, is to the stoutest heart of man terrifying in the extreme.”’ FROM OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE. Q. The name of a long-ago celebrated fat French conjurer reminds one of a Christmas dish. What is that dish, and what is the name of the conjurer ? A. Plump-Houdin, naturally. Nore By ovr own Gourmet oN THE Common SENSE OF Swine. —You may cast myriads of pearls before the porker of commerce, and he will treat them with disdain, but throw a single truffle in his way, and lo and behold! what a self-satisfied epicure does he become! This fable shows that pigs have more refined —, tion of the good things of this world than many woul fine Ember-Cinders. Lancelot iindying almanack). Mother, what’s an Ember day? Mother. One which we have to endure, when your father’s forgotten to order the coals as he did yesterday. ApHoris™ ( emale philosopher).—Blue Woman is often a sufferer by ‘eat Sinit * € CAR | throughou w pos (Chamber “The: tion.” — “A re borne d To be had J. D ” 147,

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| PUNCH, OR R THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—January 9, 1897. a* *, LIQUEUR OF THE cence F +" 4" roe oHARTREUSE, [2% COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, de., DRINK This delicious | iqueur, w has come so much inte Ay Ae ES | N S SA ae now be had of all the’ oa Spr ing Wine and Spirit rs mghout the & ¢ Kin ngac om. Sole Consignres ac Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. Sole Importers: mT OSBACH FIRST QUALITY THE BEST TABLE CHAMPAGNE, _WATER IN THE WORLD. CUARANTEED PERFECTLY HOLLOW CROUND. | EERINCS sit its ARANTEED ~ THE CELEBRATED CopENHAGEN SUCHARD’S COCOA. ay, A B HE ry R ANDY. Nature's Clowest GERRY BRANDY. |, HALF, - ; the big, «lume sor of the | The ease with The . q a ponies Gute como in'halt the mani ~y staat ane Tass | bd THE e Tt TURNER & CO., Wen. SHEFFIELD, - 1 ~= Pateue i ‘ t Hand le _ Ivo mn Pair more | 66 99 Ack for “ Rucore” Pocket and Table Cutlery. “MaBY oo. oh Ber aad eee tecitcemess PAST E U R ‘ Rdlabared: University Shoving § mh 4 : 7 eg Sa COLT’S NEW Liverpool: KR. Kerct, 390 and 32, Kien haw Street | (Chamberland) FILTER. PACKHAM S DOUBLE- For Delicate Children. “tnvtmaartetxacinive| TABLE WATERS|Aetio" 22 ca. | 8 UIRE’S tion.” —Buirisn Mepicat Jovawat. ARB MADE WITH Poe ze and solid frame, is the latest “A real preventative of water-| DISTILLED WATER. — ve over cots pein | borne disease.”’—Lawcert. Manufactory, Cros do Street, Piccadilly Circus, London, or from the Makers. Ne DEFRIES & SONS, 17, Hounserren, Loxpen, EBC, | Tu be had at the Stores, moxt Filter Dealers, J ~ PIPING “THE PRA SES OF FOO D In Bottles, 2s., 30. 6d., & 6s. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS ane STORES, ano oF SQUIRE & SONS, Mer Majesty's Chemists, 415, OXFORD STREET, LONDON PREPARED a ORN a Acknowleiged to be perfection by all impartial men. That the public appreciate a really sound and wholesome drink, is proved W. by the enormous increase year by px omen only year in the sale of Pattisons’,| Are most competent to fully appreciate the and lovers of a genuine Sootch | purity, sweetness, and delicacy of Ovricuns brand, who have not yet made Boar, and to discover new uses for it daily. its acquaintance, should In ° —— = yon _ _ : Homa, &e., annoy rritations, chafings. give this, the Bing of ehd exceriations of the ékin an! muevus Whiskies, an eariv trial. merabrane, of too free or offensive perepire- They will be delighted | tion, it bas proved most grateful. with its rich, full, Currevea Soar appeals to the refined and cream -like flavour, and | enitivated everywhere, as the most effective EPPS'S CRATEFUL —COMFORTING COCOA ws Si tae 4 BSY i SORE MOAI FY (Sore x ea ¢ r= FAS absolute purity. skin purifying and beautifying soap, as well esac 7 —— as purest and sweetest for tollet. C= oe SOL® PROPRIETORS : ¥. NEWDERY & SONS, Londvn, EC, PATTISON Ld | Highland Distillers, BALLINDALLOCH, LEITH AND LONDON.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI — January 9, 1897. COLD MEDAL, Health Exhibition, London. The British Medical Journal says Benger’s Food has ts excellence estab- ei a reputation of \nvalids and the Aged Benger’s Food is sold in Tins by Chemists, dc., everywhere. The London Medical Record says :-— * Retained when all other foods are rejected. It is in- valuable.” Enjoyed by Young and Old. BIRD’S CUSTARD Pp OWDER Provides not only delicious Custard, but an end- ess variety of delightfal, dainty dishes. NO ECCS! NO TROUBLE! NO RISK! RATARLISHED iax. Needham's | Polishing P a P> as Paste The roost reliable preparation for cleaning and brilliantly polishing erywhere Brass, Copper, Tin, Britannis. Metal, Platinoid, &c. Sold ev Bote Man cractunees JOSEPH PICKERING & SONS, Sheffield. London Office St. George's House, Fastcheap, B.C CC. Brandauer & Co's Circular-Pointed Pens. GEVEN PRIZE MEDALS. Smoothly as a Tend Pencil. Neither Reratch nor Spurt, the points being rounded by a special process. Assorted Sample Box for 7 stamps from the | | er WHISKEY. | | ‘am ‘Represents the standard of highest | purity at present attainable.’’ | Lancet. T AND NURSERY. skin of ladies and children and others sensitive to the weather, winter . Prevents redness, roughness and chapping. FOR TOILE Specially prepared for the delicate or summer == NO ALKALIES USED (as in many of the so- called “ pure’’ Foreign Cocoas). cocoa _ ; William Stuart Smith, of No. 9, Loraine Road, Holloway, im the Parish of St. Free a at the Precinct of Whivetriars, is the ity f Londen, and MaGy MSG Real Poet Steet, in the Partch of cer | cones sg | PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. olume, July to Dec. early