Punch 1896: Vol 111

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LONDON : PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, 1896.

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BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINT LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.

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Decemser 26, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. iti 4 Yup YJ Yj se anges cy T was New Year’s Eve once again; the clock in Mr. Puncn’s sanctum was fast “ ticking out the little life” of the Year of Grace One Thousand Eight Hundred and Ninety-Six. Big Ben was within measurable distance of announcing, in his sonorous, superhuman-toast-master fashion, the advent of ‘Ninety-Seven,—as who should shout over the silent city roofs and towers, “ My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, pray silence for your noble guest, the New Year!”—Mr. Poncu, alone, save for his inseparable Tony, was loyally engaged in concocting a steaming bumper in which to drink the health of that coming guest, associating it with the honoured name of his well-beloved Sovereign Lady Queen Vicroria, whos counterf-it presentment, in the sixtieth year of her glorious reign, stood in the place of honour before him. “ Sixty years!” mused England’s Mentor. ‘And what years! Her Gracious Majesty eclipses all predecessors, cuts all records, distances all competitors on—not the cinder-path, but that truly royal road, the path of glory !!” “—in our rough island story The path of Duty is the way to Glory,” sounded a high, if rather harsh-toned voice at Puncn’s elbow. Mr. Puxcu bowed gracefully to the high-nosed, stifl stomachered, plenteously be-ruffed Tudor Titaness, whom he thus bespoke :— “ Your own unofficial but immortal Laureate, the divine Wittiam, could hardly have beaten our own Atrrep the Great—Tesnyson, bien entendu /—in prettily turning a patriotic sentiment. Nor could The spacious times of great ELIZABETH surpass in splendour and marvel the astonishing era of Her who doth indeed hold A nobler office upon earth Than arms, or power of brain, or birth, Could give the warrior kings (or queens) of old.” “ He is right, Bess!” said a smaller but solid and homely-stately figure at the Tudor’s side. ‘“ Her record beats even ours, as haughty Saran herself would perforce admit, her mighty MarLeoroven notwithstanding. Do you know me Mr. Puxca?” “* Thou, great Anna,’ as one poet called thee, art fitting companion for the ‘great Exizanera’ of another,” quoted Mr. Puncn, politely and pertinently. ‘* Mnemonic miracle!”’ murmured the Virgin Queen. “Gallant as Letcesrer, courteous as RaLeiou, sage a Cecit! Beshrew me, ’tis verily no wonder our Cousin Vicrorta hath, in her sixty years of sway, surpassed mine i power and Ayma’s in splendour, since she hath had you as her contemporary and counsellor!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [December 26, 1896. “The year 1896-7,” said Mr. Puscu, “ must be more of an annus mirabilis than even that ‘ Year of Wonders, 1666,’ s thrasonically glorified by ‘Glorious Jou,’ though then Daypen hyperbolically declared that ——all was Britain the wide ocean saw.” ~ “Time hath favoured the third of England’s triad of great Queens,” said Exizaperu. “ Sixty years! I was allotted but forty-five, and Anna here only a poor twelve. The Third Henry merely touched fifty-six, and even the Third Georer, with his bare sixty, fell short—how far is ‘on the knees of the gods’—of your happy Victoria, of whom, as her great Laureate aptly said— A thousand claims to reverence closed In her as Mother, Wife, and Queen. I was never the two former, alas!” sighed the Valorous Virgin of the West, pensively ; “ but,” drawing herself stiffly up, by the splendour of heaven, I was the latter!” “* Who deniges of it, Bersy’—I mean Bess?” said Mr. Poncu, slily. The haughty Tudor bridled, scowled, muttered something about traitors and the Tower, and seemed about to explode upon Mr. Puscn as though he were a mere recalcitrant Lercesrex, when “ Great Anxa” whispered something in her royal ear, and that verjuicy virginal face broke up into a genial smile. “ Anna bids me ask you ‘ What the Dickens you mean ?’” she chuckled. “ Whatever my demerits, Mr. Puncu, you can hardly cll me a Prig! Yet, for the sake of the Season, and its great celebrator CuanLtes—another glory of the Victorian Era—I ‘ll forgive you.” The two Queens gazed admiringly at Mr. Puxcu’s presentment of the Third, still happily reigning. “She hath no Saaxspeare to illame her stage, and render eternally illustrious her annals,” murmured the Tudor, turning tenderly the leaves of a Book of Plays in her royal hand. “Nor hath she been called ‘ Auausta ’—as I was,” said Anna, caressing her Spectator affectionately. “No!” admitted their host, cheerfully. “ But our well-beloved liege Lady hath had that which neither of you was blessed with, which Susksp#are would have extolled and Appison admired.” “ Beshrew me, what may that be?” cried the startled Virgin Queen. Mr. Puxcu stooped to pat Topy,—and to hide his mantling blush. “On their own merits modest men are dumb,” he quoted pointedly. “Marry come up! what meaneth the man?” began Queen Bess, when Anna again whispered in her ear, and again her somewhat shrewish features relaxed into a smile. “T suppose you are right, now as always, Mr. Puncu,” she replied. “ But, O great Victorian Sage and Scientist, Patriot and Pictor, Champion and Councillor, Pundit, Poet and Wit, have you not a homely proverb to the effect that ‘ the proof of the pudding is in the eating’ ?” “ Pricisely!” responded Mr. Puxcs, with electric promptitude. “And that is why, to save time, to spare me uncongenial self-assertion, to illustrate to you the matchless glories and graces of our Victorta’s Sixty Years’ Record, to make you love and admire your sister Queen as much—if possible—as I and all my countrymen do; and, finally, to give you both a good time when you get back to the Shades, and tire occasionally even of days and nights spent with Suaxspeare and Apptson,—I hand you, as the neatest of New Year's Gifts, my One Hundred and Eleventh Volume!” ro’ ttsStratcec eo e Foutici PIiIRIL_IQHWENM EVERY SATLRDAY.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Joty 4, 1896. NOTICE. This day is published, WO. 1, PRICE OWE SHILLINC, OF A NEW and ENLARGED SERIES OF THE GORNHILL MAGAZINE Edited by J. ST. LOE STRACHEY. Contents. The First Wumber of ‘The Cornhill.’ By Mrs. [Ricumonp Mrrewre. Burke: an Aoniversary ba =! My Govewix Sairn, DCL. Memoirs of 8oa- Ali Erranvt Giroex Dictaued in Artbdic to pas Translated by Ca Old Preach Jes! book. ss the Right Mon ir MB Gaaxt Dorr, Gc Pariah ty Mewar Serow Meautman. Servers. By ©. J. Coaxren. A Lotter ©, J. Coveuurre Hrwe. Black Ghosts. Hy Miss Ma*t Kinobier. i Helpers tery Duel ff m & Private (Pee iy Cuanmtre L. Gnaves. Puriosa. By W te Xi VIII Londen SMITH, ELDER &CO., +15, Waterloo Place. BEFORE ASSURING YOUR LIFE eK Fou Tus NEW REDUCED RATES or Tue STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE CO. Heap Orrice: 8, George Street, Edinburgh. Lowpos : 83, King William Street, E.C., and 3, Pall Mall Bast, 8.W. Dust : 66, Upper Sackville Street. HOVIS BREAD. HOYIS BISCUITS. HOVIS BREAD. 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Jury 4, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. l ~ a, — a 4 Se TOMO) Ves ss ul di mu | rr . PRO BONO PUBLICO. (Page from the purely Imaginary Diary of a Noble Licensed Vietwaller. ) Sorry I was unable to attend the Irish Tourist Association. However, they are sure to be F ere to hear that “not having been able to make other satisfactory arrangements I have de- cided to try the experiment of taking the hotel at (suppress place, for fear it might thought I was attempting to ebtain a free advertisement) into my own hands, and oes that in this way I may be able to promote in some degree one of the objects of the Society.” Of course “one of the objects” is to make travellers in Erin comfortable at their inns. Shall call mine the O’Hartington. Nothing like a little local colouring. Now that is all right must get myself up as ideal Irish hotel-keeper. Own toggery will do, I think, with a pipe in my white hat, and a red wnist- coat (like the late Dion Bovcicavutt in the Colleen Bawn), just to give the necessary Hibernian flavour. Must be ready to receive my guests at the door of my hostelrie. No reason why I should not have an arm-chair. Got one with plenty of pan Fh Made myself additionally comfortable by resting my feet on a foot-stool. Now prepared for all emer- gencies. Ah, here come a party of tourists. Take off my hat and wave my hand. Fortunately no ladies, so need not get up. Feel every inch a landlord, but, after all, rather hate superfluous exertion. “Have I got any rooms?” Why, to be sure I have. Must ask. one of my waiters. They are all good fellows. Sure to know all about it. Call for Pat. One of my fellows must be called Pat. “ Pat,” national name. My guest rather unreasonable. Wants to know “ why I don’t get up and take his carpet .” Of course would be only too | pleased, but it looks rather a heavy one, and some other fellow could take it just as well as I could. Most likely better. Dare say I could drag about a heavy portmanteau ; but don’t know. In point of fact have never tried. Why don’t I look sharp ? ” } Now I really think that isn’t complimentary. Implies that I appear to be inactive. True I generally sit with my hands in my B sor mage with my hat tipped over my eyes. But why not? Perfectly simple and easy attitude. culated to give fullest rest to the body. d if body is not being bothered, best chance for the mind. Intellect can be uncommonly energetic if body has nothing to complain of. Ah, here is Pat. He retires with the tourists. There! Now, if I hadn’t taken the hotel into my own hands, what would have become of them ? a Suppose I must have been asleep, Hallo! Here come the tourists. Hope they won’t bother me any more. “They want a looking-glass, and curtains to the window.” we. of course. Let them have them, by all means. ey say, “That ite all very well to put them off like that, but if I am the landlord of the hotel I ought to behave as such.” Argue with them. What’s the use of a row. If they will ask Pat or some other fellow they shall have anything they please. Only don’t bother me. nonsense. They say “they have asked Pat to get them the looking-glass and the curtains; but he knows oothing about them, and re- ferred them to me.” Fancy Pat must be rather scanty of resource. However, suppose I must come to the rescue. “Tourists had better order looking-glass and curtains from some local universal provider.” Probably some O’Whiteley in the neighbourhood. By all means ‘have what they please; but why bother me? Thank goodness! They have gone, Enjoy the scenery once more. Very fine. Close my eyes. | . pt Awakened with a start. What’s the matter now? Same tourists. They say that “the steak is underdone.” Well, why shouldn’t it be ? le like steaks underdone. They say “they don’t.” ell, I can’t help that. Better go and have dinner somewhere else. Know a first-rate hotel where |I frequently feed myself, Give the address and they are off. | Capital! Shows how much better it is to take things into one’s |own hands, Going to sleep again, when Pat informs me that my | guests have gone off with their luggage. ne Capital! No one in my inn! Further need of waiting in the hall unnecessary. So return to the House of Lords. — a , VOL. CXI. B

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| Jury 4, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ALLAN OG oF THEY Godr TIRED oF HorsEs—iT IS WHISPERED THEY ARE GROWING TIRED OF BICYCLES. How WOULD It BE To COMBINE THE Two AMUSEMENTS IN THE ABOVE DELIGHTFUL MANNER? “THE FOLLY OF ”—HICHENS.* Eustace was twenty-two when he was beginning to attract at- tention. People had begun to notice his way of walking down | Piccadilly on his hands, and his odd habit of living entirely on | the poached eggs of plovers, together with his curious Soddinaee for sweeping crossings on rainy days, giving to every passer-by | who deigned to use his crossing a penny or even more, had al- | ready caused people to discuss him with a certain interest, even a certain wonder. The medical journals mentioned him often as a case whose peculiarities were not devoid of interest. He | affected, one season—was it, perhaps, sincere ?—to think he was | the Emperor of Curna, and received visitors in a pig-tail and a | fan. During another season, although in excellent health, he | refused to leave the asylum even for the ordinary exercise in the | grounds, declaring all movement, with the single exception of | flying, to be bad form, and unsuited to a gentleman. When he | saw a goose standing on its head, he declared it was a swan. | He played with pee, Bom a good deal at this time, and wrote rather curious post-cards to his aunt at Putney. Over the tea-| leaves of convention he poured the hot water of originality, the | result being a curiously weak and ineffective infusion of eccentri- city. Society loves absurdity if it is sufficiently absurd. Ev- The feather of laughter waved in the | STACE became _— | big black hat o iety. But the garden-roller of science crushed | the green ho of London’s budding grass. And Evsrace fell in love with WINIFRED. | He met her at a fancy ball. It was given to amuse the inmates, and, by way of humouring them, each was allowed to wear the | costume of the person, or the object, that he imagined himself to be. The first prize was taken by a gentleman who appeared as | a gong, and struck terror into all by striking himself at the hours of meals. Poor Evstace dressed himself up as what he imagined | himself at the time—a gentleman of the nineteenth century. In the lonely lunacy of his black coat and white tie he felt ill at ease as WaniFRED gazed at him with her big brown eyes. (She was dressed as a bicycle.) He looked very odd in his gloomy, | quiet attire amid the picturesque crew. om 7 * _ * . To WInrFRED, existence was one long search after apricot * See The Folly of Eustace and other stories, published by W. Heinemann, | and written by Rosgrt Hicuens, but we have nothing to do with the other stories. — Ep. | at the world, watches the development of the plate. jam. She forgot the butter of life, and in doing so too often lost its bread. The silent processes of such a woman’s mind! Ah, | what great male writer would not give half-a-crown to watch a line, watches the struggles of tographer, snapping his Kodak WINIFRED was the Bat4-chairman of life, dragging Society as a Bath-chair after her, the smart world sitting in it as a weary invalid, cursing the East wind. WINIFRED thought that the Marble Arch turned in its marble archness to gaze at her, and the Albert Memorial blushed a deeper gold as she gazed at it. Together, they did the oddest things; flew kites, played with Noah’s Arks, spread butter-slides, and did crochet-work. Soon, she began to elude him in a maze of imaginary entertainments She went (or so she said) to every Punch-and-Judy show, fifth night, and public view, moving perpetually in the phantom pro- cesses of imaginary society, surrounded by grotesques, mimes, and monkeys. But he, in time, became a bore to her, with his perpetual, rather tedious arguments on radishes and palmistry, and his unnecessarily long letters to the Emperor of Germany about the Salvation Army. She w daily more and more tired of him. Sometimes she wondered, now, if she could re main in the same asylum. them, as the fisherman, takin the minnows, or the amateur p The doctor entered the padded-room with a note. Evstacr took it, opened it, and : : “This is to say good-bye. By the time it reaches you, | shall have left Hanwell. Not alone. I am going, with a keeper, to Colney Hatch. I have seen your portrait in the Sketch. It is like you. And your biography. I find you were born in Bayswater. “ How like Bayswater! “ Wintrrep.” At THe ’Vansiry Cricket Maton.—Newcomer (to Gent in front). If you would kindly move your head an eighth of an inch, I think that by standing on tip-toe I might be able, between the box-seat and body of that carriage, to ascertain the colour of long leg’s cap. whe) RaTHeR HARD ON THE Vice-Presipent oF THE Epvucation DerartTment.—Our Mr. Wacostarr. M.P., insists upon describing the withdrawn Bill as a Gorst-ly failure.

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copious cold tiffin. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Juny 4, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunosno Janpersez, B.A.) No. XVI. Mr. Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Shakspeare. I nave frequently spoken in the flattering terms of a eulogium concerning my extreme partiality for the writings of Hon’ble WriuiaM Suaxsprare. It has been remarked, with some correct- ness, that he did not exist for an age, but all the time; and though it is the open question whether he did not derive all ; ideas frem previous writers, and even whether he wrote to his much as a single line of the plays which are attributed his ** It was here,”’ I said, reverently, ‘‘ that the Swan of Avon was hatched! ” inspired nib, he is one of the institutions of the country, and it is the correct thing for every orthodox British subject to ad- mire and understand him even when most incomprehensible. _ Consequently I did cock-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invita- tion from my friend Auisutt-Innert, Jun., Esq., on behalf of his parents, that I rhould accompany them on an excursion b rail to Stratford-upon-Avon, where the said poet had his domi- cile of origin. And so great was my enthusiasm that, during the journey, I declaimed, ore rotundo, certain select from his works which I had committed to memory during the salad of my schoolboyishness, and with such effect that Miss Wzx-wee AL1- puTt-Innett (who is excessively emotional) was compelled, at | times, to veil her countenance in recesses handkerchief. Having at length arrived at that hallowed and sacred spot, the very name of w sends a sweet an ive furnished with two chairs and a table, on which was another of pared for the occasion. was again overcome by emotion. | about to inscribe my own name, but was prevented by the lady of a pocket. | | This repast we ordered at an old-fashioned hostelry, whose doorway was decerated by a counterfeit persentment of the Bard, and I observed that similar effigies were placed above several of the shops as I walked along the streets. ese images somewhat resemble those erected to Buddha in certain parts of India, being similarly bald, but terminating—not in crossed legs, but a cushion with tassels. However, | was not able to discover that it is the custom for even the most ignorant in- habitants to do anything in the nature of a poojah before these figures any longer, though probably usual enough before Crom- WELL, with the iron sides, ordered all such baubles to be removed. In a hole in the upper wall of the Town Hall there is a life-size Statuary of SHaksPeaRE, with legs complete, showing that he was not actually deficient in such extremities and a mere gifted torso; and it is presumable that the reason why only his upper portions are generally represented is, that marble in these parts is too precious a commodity to be on superfiuities. We visited the church, and saw his tomb, and there again was the superior half of him occupied with writing verses on a cushien in a mural niche, supported by pillars. Upon a slab below is inscribed a verse ——_ that his dust should not be digged, and cursing him who should interfere with his bones, but in so mediocre a style, and of such indifferent orthography, that it is considered by some to be a sort of spurious crypto- gram composed by Hon’ble Bacon. On such a verata questio I am not to give a decided opinion, though the verse, as a literary composition, is hardly up to the | level of Hamlet, and it would perhaps have been preferable if the poet, instead of attempting an impromptu, had looked out some suitable quotation from his earlier works. For, when an author is oa in shuffling off his mortal coil, it is unreason- able to expect him to produce poetry that is up to the mark. When I advanced this excuse aloud in the church, a party of tly, that such was the Mecca of Americans within hearing exclaimed, indi irreverent levity was a scandal in a spot whic | the entire civilized universe. Whereupon I did protest earnestly that I meant no irreverence, being nulli secundus in respect for the Genius Loci, only, as a critic of English Literature, I could not help regretting that a poet gifted with every requisite for producing a satisfactory | epitaph had produced a doggerel which was undeniably below | his usual par. This rendered them of an increased ferocity, until Mr. Att- | puTt-INNETT good naturedly took them into a corner and whis- | pered that I was a very wealthy young Indian Prince, of poet scholastic attainments, but oppressed by an uncontrollable | naiveté, after which they all came and shook me by the hand, | saying they were very proud to have met me. | Afterwards we proceeded to the Birthplace, where a very | gentlewomanly female exhibited the apartment in which the infant Bard first saw the light. Alack! there was but little light |to behold, being a shockingly low and dingy room, meagrely the busts. As I came in, I uttered a remark which I had pre- “It was here,” I said, reverently, “ here that the Swan of Avon was hatched!” At which Miss WEE-wze The room was greatly in the necessity of whitewash, being black with smoke and signatures in lead pencil. Even the win- dow-panes were scratched all over by diamonds, on seeing which, and being also the possessor of a diamond and gold ring, I was custodian. ; ? I indignantly and eloquently protested that if Hon’ble Sirs, Watrer Scorr, Lord Byron, Isaac Watton, WasHINGTON Ir- vine and Co. were permitted to deface the giass thus, surely I, who was a duate of Calcutta University, and a valuable con- tributor to London Punch, was equally entitled, since what was sauce for a goose was sauce for a gander, and Mrs. ALLBUTT- Invert urged that I was a distinguished Skakesperian student and Indian prince, but the custedian responded that she couldn’t help that, for it was ultra vires, nevertheless. However, while she was engaged in pointing out the spot where somebody’s signature had been before it was peeled away, I, snatehing the opportunity behind her back, did triumphantly | inscribe my autograph on the bust’s nose. In the back-room they showed us where SHaxspzarn’s father stapled his wool, which caused Mrs. Avisurt-Innetr to remark | that she had always understood that the poet was of quite humble | origin, and that, for her part, she thought it was all the more creditable to him to have done what he did do. We also inspected the Museum, and were shown ‘SHak- SPEARE’s jug, a rather ordinary concern ; the identical dial which | one of the clowns in his plays drew out of a poke, and a ring responsive thrill every educated bosom, our first proceeding was to partake ef a with W.S. engraved on it, found in the church yard some years | - -_

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Ge | elegy. ‘There were several portraits of him also, all utterly unlike one | | ing unwillingly to school with a shining face like a snail’s. I was | | genius, for it was slashed and hacked to a doleful degree as | | mime and graceful dance. Miss Maup Hopson towers above the Padprwee ¥- “Six Mox Pe | girls as a Juno among the lesser goddesses. Mr. Harry Monx-| @= 2O!NG Now! rey SSSA, PER | oa Juty 4, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. o, and, no doubt, dropped there by the t himself, while | absorbed in the composition of his famous dod welbeiouned } another, or only ing in one respect, namely, their total diseluailarity from the bust. : We likewise saw the very desk Suakspzare used, after creep- pained to see evidence of the mischievousness of the juvenile | to be totally incapacitated for scholastic use I myself was sprightly in my youth, but never, I am proud to | say, to the extent of wilfully damaging my master’s furniture ! Before leaving, we walked to visit the residence of SHAKSPEARE’s wife, which turned out to be a very humble thatched-roof affair, such as is commonly occupied by peasants. But, as Mrs. ALLButt-INNeETT said, it is a sad fact that dis- tinguished literary characters often make most imprudent mar- riages. Which put me in a wonderment whether she had heard anything about myself and Miss MANKLETOW. At one of the bazaars I purchased a beautiful Shakspearean souvenir, in the form of a coloured porcelain model of Suax- SPEARE’S birthplace, which can be rendered transparent and lu- minous by the insertion of a night-light. This I had intended humbly to offer for the gracious accept- ance of Miss Wex-wee, but having thrust it into a coat-tail pocket, I unfortunately sat upon it in the train as we were re- turning. So I presented it as a token of remembrance to JEsstmiNa, who was transported with delight at the gift, which she said could be easily rendered the statu quo by dint of a little diamond cement. “ THE LIGHT (OPERA) OF ASIA.” Tue attraction of The Geisha continues. Miss Marre Tempest, as 0 Mimosa San, delightfully coquettish, and singing better than ever. Mlle. Jutrerre Nesvitiw, once the French Miss Decima, now a brilliant Juliette Diamant; and ‘clever little Letty Linp, with voice as small as her twinkling feet, singing confidentially to most attentive audiences, and dacuien those among them who cannot catch her words by expressive panto-| ,, , we rey es Aun, Potty, I HAVEN'T SEEN YouR FATHER LATELY. WHAT 's HOUSE looks very funny, and would be equal to his looks if he had — : SS anything to oy or mp but in ox, saying, singing, and| oped he will emerge successfully with an artistic style of his dancing, Mr. Huntiey Wricnr, as the rascally othen Chinee, | ovr ae ame oa , :, takes the tea-house cake. The popular Haypen-Corrin appears as|_, *° Mr. Grorcz Epwarpzs, who chosen the caste an | placed the Dn on the stage most effectively in every way, is its extraordinary success mainly due. Mr. Owen Hat's book is light, and decidedly not strong in plot. The lyrics by Mr. | Harry Greenbank are the best pees of the piece, whilst the music of Mr. Stoney Jones leaves nothing to be desired, | except that he should have been sufficiently prodigal of his talent to have given the public a few melodies to take away with them. Perhaps what cannot be picked up the first time, those who will return again and again to hear it, may stand some chance of carry- ing away with them. The Geisha will run till she drops; but | when that will be would be difficult to say, and very unwise to prophesy. . Japanese atmosphere being conducive to developing a fair /hunger—a supper-fare hunger and a most decided thirst— | Happy Thought: Visit “The Cecil” for supper. The Cecil new to present company, limited to four. From Daly’s to Strand. Suddenly we are in court-yard of first-class continental hotel. 'Most effective entrance: ours, and Hotel’s. Visitors sitting about and enjoying the summer night, “far from the madding crowd.” Tableau Vivant. Expect a chorus. Music heard in distance. Supper ready. Excellent orchestra, invisible, dis- coursing melodies. We drink and eat, not without a strain | of music. | So “ All’s well that ends well.” Suggested Signals for the Naval Manceuvres. Is that Red Fleet in the offing? Cannot be, as carefully arranged before starting that Red Fleet was not to approach Blue Fleet for twenty-four hours. , Why have you got out of your ition to larboard of The Daly’s Mikado. “*1’ve got no work to do—o—o!” | Gi Pop? Consi ter f teal noint : tedo. 6 W. oe this dol ewes | Ginger Pop onsidered the place r from a tactical p Saroy Mikado, “ Well, I don’t think much of him ! lof view than the one originally adopted, and acted on my own responsibility. the usual kind of go-as-you-please-semi-comic opera lover of vague | ob. purpose and undulating action; and Mr. Louis Brapriecp is| Resume station instantly: keep to programme. Have obeyed gradually gaining confidence in attempting the Arthur-Roberts- | signal: where are we now? . Question will be answered in due cum-Leoie Plagiele manner, out of which muddle it is to be | course on further information being received from Whitehall.

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P UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR IV ARI vol Pe i ~ Mp iE ep Wa : Mg Z iW THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. “T suppose, NoW THAT “oP. He. She. yEs—I HAVEN'T HAD A DULL MOMENT SINCE I SAW YOU TO AN END, LAST ! THE LONDON SEASON IS COMING THAT YOU VE BEEN VERY GAY?” BRITON TO BRETON. (Punch to Le Bon brave fisher-flock in memory of their services of love in connection with the tragic loss of the ** Drummond Castle."’) “One touch of nature makes the whole world = Our Saaxspeare said. And English hearts are drawn To “our fair neighbour France,” by acts which win Grateful affection, surely as the dawn Draws the flower faces to responsive glow. But little less than kin, and more than kind, The Breton aids the Briton, and must know By our Queen’s message how her peo- ple’s mind Is moved by that good curé and his flock Of kindly fisher-fo lk to warmest thanks. Heaven grant that never more in hostile Brethren so bound may meet in arméd “9 = the Shadow of the Cross” there Most guecious pledge of mutual love and | “God hes 8 no creed!” lies ! Ab Ls Oh, aptest of re-| Jrunsz, if national hatreds cease, Such works of love as yours and those | dear, brave, And loving Breton women ’s, whose kind hands ’unck ~~" would grasp beside the island Shall’ b hear the praise in at sea-sun- dered lands, = Curé of Moléne and his| Unsundered else. So, brave BertHe.e, to you And the good Bretons, Britons gladly send The —" thanks for such fair service ue Clasping those kind French palms as riend grips palm of friend. “PLENTY OF ‘EAU,’ BUT NONE FOR SHOW.” Monsteur te Repacrsur, — Accom- nied by several of my brave comrades, a rrived this week in your splendid city of commerce to join in the magnificent demonstration which celebrated the vic- tories of the limpid Water over the crue! and devastating Fire—elements ever at war and encouraged to fight a l’outrance by the bitter memories of tradition and history. All the —— of your land are with the aqueous fluid: your island rests upon the planturous bosom of the ocean, your skies are rarely free from a copious supply of tears, and you are never | weary of ting of your amphibious na- | ture, while your great Lord Wizrrrp is, I understand, the incarnation of old Pére Tamise filtered and —- imagined then that my eyes would be _gladdened by noble fountains — monu- ments of your cult—arranged in your pub- | lic squares and verdant parks. Ah! Mon- | sieur, how bitterly have I been unde- ceived ! that place on which you have | besto bestowed the name of some successful skirmish where my nation was betrayed by the perfidious Spaniard, your hero Ne.son |looks down from an inaccessible pillar, ‘like St. Simon Stylites, on a collection of extraordinary caricatures of humanity, | which testify to your sense of statuesque shalineilenie. But the Admiral pee sur- veys, with complacent stoicism, the gam- | bols of countless gamins beside two igno- ble and lamentable ponds, defiled with | paper and fruit refuse, whence some wretched jets d’eau, feebly pointing to heaven, seem to implore the clouds to try and renew their strength. ese, I was told, were the most famous fountains in London ! Unable to believe my senses, I in- quired of a respectable policeman. He answered me, with the respectable assur- ance of un vrai Jean Boule, that the me- | tropolis was, on the contrary, renowned for its fountains, situated all over its im- mence area, and that they were devoted not only to the recreation and refresh- ment of the human race, as well as of horses, cattle, and even dogs. Then I know, that despite his grave exterior, this guardian of the law must be a far- ceur, and I set forth in one of your han- som cabriolets te endeavour to find some specimens of your hydraulic art. Alas! without that success, which every explorer hopes for. My landlord indeed told me that the grands eaux of Versailles were fairly rivalled at the Palais de Cristal on certain rare occasions, but that he knew of no other displays. I marvel, I am sad, even after consuming your exhilirating whiski and soda, and I emplore you, Mon- sieur, to remedy this natural disgrace by your estimable influence. Agree, &c., Jacqurs Jouiquet (Pompier de Nanterre). Waar tHe German EmperorR wovULp LIKE TO SING :— “In my latest bark I glide Swiftly o’er the Solent tide.”

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‘HARIVARI.—Jcty 4, 1896. ~—— = Ahi = yy Uf =F Nagly / € Yy yj Y y/ Uf iti Yi, ny = vf Af, Dy i Pn / AMY sf, MA Ui) Wf Wy Wd j Vy y VY / Wy YUL La yy ry 444 a 4 SN ~ ~ WY) — ; b Zi), MG © Zi) “im he UR

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| Juuy 4, 1806.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 9 | Somernine, however, as I said, had to be done, and I cast | about for the means of doing it. I had not made up my mind what it was to be, but in my pleasanter day-dreams I pictured it as something that should finally take Harry away and dis- se of him, It noone just about this time that my old triend Sir Gregory JoHNSTON came up to London from his place in the East Riding of Yorkshire and paid me his customary visit. | | Sir Grecory is one of the bluffest, the cheeriest, and the best | | of country squires. He has been a member of the House of |Commons, but at a recent General Election “those confounded agitators,” as he calls his Radical opponents, were too many for him, and since the disastrous day that saw his defeat, Sir Grecory has retired from active politics, for which, to tell the truth, he never cared, and has devoted himself to his family, to his neighbours, and to the management of his estate. Sir |Grecory, although as a youngster he had kept the dons | alive at Oxford, and had afterwards had a sbort, but coruscat- | ing, period of service in the Grenadier Guards, is now a good, | prejudiced, steady-going country gentleman of the most pro- | nounced and orthodox type. In his part of the world—I judge | by his conversation—the landed interest has been irretrievably | ruined for years past, and as a necessary consequence the United Kingdom generally has gone to perdition, has become the laugh- | ing stock of foreign nations, so that now “any two-penny half- enny little foreign republic, Heaven help us, has only to show its miserable apologies for teeth, and we grovel, Sir, yes, grovel | as if we’d been licked.” But au fond Sir Grecory, in spite of | his prejudices and his violence, is one of the best and softest- | hearted men I know, a man, too, of infinite good nature and admirable cheerfulness.

| Wuen Sir Grecory came into my chambers at the Temple | the atmosphere of the place and the whole scene, indeed, seemed to undergo a magical change. In place of the shelf where I keep my law reports I seemed to see a well-kept stable with its stalls neatly covered in straw, plaited and bound at the edges, and a round dozen or so of sleek horses stamping and munching and drawing their head-stall straps with a run through the iron rings, while a tight-trousered, bandy-legged groom, his braces down and his shirt-sleeves rolled up, pulled back the horse- clothes and slapped the resounding flanks of the kindly beasts, My writing-table, with all its briefs, turned into a dog-kennel, and a dairy set itself up in the corner reserved for my text- books. And over all there floated that combined aroma of cows, horses, dogs, corn, and stored apples which always lingers lovingly over those who spend their Sunday mornings at a country house in making the usual round outside. The impression was only momentary, As it dissipated itself I found myself grasping Sir Grecory by the hand and interchanging with him the usual | questions and answers,

A TIMELY WARNING “Loox here, my boy,” said Sir Grecorr, “ you might be very **On, BY THE WAY, YOU REMEMBER THAT OLD Bork, Prorrssor useful to me. I’ve been trying to manage my confounded estate DopDERINGTON, WHO TOOK SUCH A FANCY TO YoU ON THE LINKS) myself lately, but it’s too much for me. Now if you know a aT St. ANDREWS Last AuruMN? WELI, HE's IN TOWN, AND) young fellow, a presentable chap, of course, a good sportsman, DYING TO MEET you!” and all that, who could come and help me—do a bit of land- ““ AH—Is HE! WELL, HE WON'T MEET ME IF J MANAGE TO CATCH | agency, in fact, I should be glad to hear of him, I couldn’t give SIGHT OF HIM FIRST ! him much in the way of a salary, but there ’s a good cottage and

——$——— |any amount of ” But Sir Gregory never detailed the we < amount, for before he could go any farther, I had told him that ROUNDABOUT READINGS, | the one men of - eins ie the whole wera hai would suit the | place, who was designed by nature to a land-agent, was my My Baornen-in-Law, | brother-in-law, Harry. At any rate, to cut a long matter short, I (Continued.) | shortly rg Fag yyy —— to ef ont who : . | a fancy to him, and in less than a fortnight Harry was o . Wun I left off the story of my brother-inlaw, Harry, in| joj, im managing the estate of Sir Grecory in Yorkshire. these columns, matters had come to a desperate pass. This as- Tob danal tonishing young gentleman seemed to have exhausted not only (To be continued.) the discomforts and the luxuries of civilisation, but also all its | resources, and there appeared to be no other course open to me FROM OUR OWN WELSH BRER RABBIT. but to support him for the rest of my life in various positions ene , . Bar that made severe inroads on the balance at my bankers. Alice,| U aregereit. “In the University of Wales,” said Mr. Grap- of course, was delighted. “I knew,” she observed to me, “ when | stone, M.A. (“ Master of ’Arps”), “which, as I would not be I married you that you would always be good and kind to | accused of dropping my ‘h’s’, I would spell ‘Whales’. there Harry, that you would take the place of his dear father—and will of course exist a College of ‘ All Soles.’” (“Hear! Hear!”) Aunt Marcarer and Aunt Exzanor knew it too. You mustn’t | “While the cultivation of the racial language will be strictly think I am not grateful. I am deenly, deeply grateful to you, | attended to, Welshers will not be allowed to set foot within the and so I am sure is Harry. See what trouble that boy is taking | precincts.” (Cheers.) ee to oblige you, to fall in with all your wishes. What more canhe| H.R.H. the Prince of Wauzs, speaking in the language of the do?” As Harry’s trouble had for the most part consisted in ac-| Principality, said, “Heddyw Rhag bron yuall pa le bob amser cepting one after another the various amusements (together with iwodd lyk tobe mae yn dda genyf Y mae yn fyw andsov ery ir neeessary cheques) that I had thought out for him, I was un- | sppri wed Blodeno. Tri Hippippoorar fur der altesse Tywysoges |” able to answer my dear wife with the enthusiasm she evidently | (Loud cheering, and the degrees were conferred.) . “No matter,” she said, “some day when Harry has done something of which we shall all be proud, you will be - i : ashamed of yourself for having ever doubted his capacity.” Most Appropriate Atrire.—A “ grass-lawn” tennis costume.

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| Juny 4, 1896.] | DrurnioLanus* dead! The town seems dulle | PUNCH, On THE LONDON CHARIVARE IN MEMORIAM. Mr. Punch on the Popular Impresario. [Sir Avcustus Harry GLossor Harris (better and affectionately known as ‘Gus Harris ’’) died on June 22, at the age of 44.] r For Le departure, whose brief, active 8 Lent to its grimness gaiety and colour, And mingled mirth with its sad, sombre strife. The Public’s friend and favourite, hard he toiled To give it the best rest—of recreation. By loss undaunted, and by gain unspoiled, Generous as shrewd, he served his gene- ration = — some on loftier levels posing. orough as enterprising and alert He lived each hour o' pony bes life whose closing ome to us with a sense of personal urt. We might have better spared a greater man, Though a more genial host or cheerier guest, More inexhaustible in scheme and plan To give his loyal Public of the best, More skilled, resourceful, keenly resolute, | Sameer’ motley world will hardly ow. Its debt to him now lost who shall com- pute ? _ Actor, inventor, impresario ; Sound judge of art as of mere passing whim, Of music as of modish phantasy, Of drama as of melodrame, to him, Showman or Solon of the stage, we’re ree To own large debt, and owe most hearty | thanks. It may be long ere such another chief As good “Gus Harris” graces Stage- dom’s ranks To whose green laurels Punch would add his leaf. * Mr. Punch bestowed upon the great ma | the heroic title of 4 Apeowtus Suman Davate- LANUS,”’ | ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary or Tony, M.P. | House of Commons, Monday Night, | June 22.—“ Do you remember thi night | last year, my Topy?” said the Squire or | Matwoop, as, having seen Education Bill withdrawn, he permitted himself rare luxury of going out to dinner. “I don’t mean precise day of the month, but this corresponding Monday in June last year. You were good enough to say that my speech to-night, following Prince Artnur’s motion withdrawing Seducation Bill, was one of the best you have heard | da since you left the rural retirement of The Kennel, in your Barkshire home, and you add that is the view taken on both sides of House. “Well, on this very Monday in June last year there was, by strange coincidence, another such scene as we have witnessed to-night, the prinicipal spokesmen bein Prince Artuur and I. House packe from floor to topmost range of galleries ; the same throng at the bar; the same long lines in the side galleries ; Peers crowding entrance to their seats, like mob at pit or gallery of Haymarket Theatre when Trilby is on; the same electric air vibrating through crowded chamber. All | House of Commons. *Bus Conductor. ‘‘ EMMERSMITH ! EmMenrsmiruH ! ’Liza Ann. ‘‘Oo ER YER CALLIN’ Emmer Smitu!? Sorcy 'ounp!” "Exe ye Ane! EmMersmitin!” the same, and yet a universe of difference. I stood then at other side of table; Prince Arruur rose from my place on front Oppo- sition Bench. We were the vanquished then, discomfited on unexpected issue. To- day it is Prince Arruvur who is unhorsed. ’'Tis I who have had the poignard at his throat. “ All very strange, but marvel of coinci- dence completed by the concurrence of the ys. It was on the third Friday in June last year that we got our great fall, blown out of the saddle by accidental discharge of cordite. Almost to a day twelve months later the most noble, the Marxkiss Humpty Dumpty got a great fall over his Education Bill. On the Monday after the cordite explosion, being the fourth Monday | |in June, 1895, I gave up my sword to | Prince Artaur in presence of crowded | On the fourth Mon- | You’ll not have such another opportunity day in June, 1896, twelve months later to a day, Prince Artaur makes his great | surrender, beaten by what he picturesquely | describes as a comparatively insignificant | and discredited Opposition. “Tt is a very remarkable coincidence, ® my good Tosy, and should not be without its moral lesson. Let us, on whatever lane we chance to find ourselves, walk Lanhty and circumspectly, ever bearing in mind that in the midst of Parliamentary life we are in death.” Business done.—Education Bill, read second time on 12th of May by majority of 267, to-night abandoned in Committee. Tuesday.—When Mark Tapley accom- panied his master to Eden, and discovered that the “city” was a hideous swamp, with here and there a miserable log cabin, the depth of hopelessness was plumbed by Martin Chuzzlewit falling ill of fever. “*Now, Mr. Tapiey,’ said Mark, giving himself a tremendous blow on the chest by way of reviver, ‘just you attend to what I’ve got to say. Things is looking about as bad as they can look, young man. for showing your jolly disposition, my fine fellow, as long as you live. And there- fore, Taptey, Now’s your time to come out strong; or Never.’” now the strongest Minist of modern times has received knock-down

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(Juny 4, 1896. ENCOURAGING. Curate | ON WITH mY WarcH?” | who wishes to encourage local industry). ‘‘Wrett, ADAMS, HOW ARE YOU GETTING Adams, ‘‘ WHY, IT BE NIGH FINISHED Now, ZuR, AN’ ’E DO ZEEM TO GO MORTAL WELL, BUT DANG ME, IF THERE BAIN’! A WHEEL AS I CAN'T FIND A PLACE VOR sUMMOW !” | blow. Have beaten the record in all ways ossible to discredit a powerful Ministry. | Now is time for Marx Tapitzy, M.P., to appear on scene. Comes forth in person io Henry Meysey-Tuompson, Bart. House on report stage of Agricultural | Rating Bill. Opposition cock-a-whoop | after unexpected victory. Ministerialists correspondingly depressed. 7 That ’s it all about? ” asks the Ameyseync-THompson, slapping _ himself on the breast as was Mark Tapley’s wont. “ What’s happened? I’m just go- ing down to see my constituents, and Ill tell you what I’m going to say to them.’ That would have been delightful. No- thing House would have enjoyed more than having Meysry-Tariey-THompPson’s speech to his constituents rehearsed. But Speaker inexorable. It had, he blandly said, nothing to do with Rating Bill. However interesting pleasure of listening, it must be foregone. So M.-T.-T. sat down with all his music in him. But mere interposition of his breezy presence | had same effect as accompanied move- | ments of Mark Tapley. inisterialists | plucked up courage. Opposition drew in | their horns. Seurre or Bianxney hung his white silk pocket-handkerchief another | yard out of his breast pocket, and showed | with fuller confidence how the three-card | trick of the Rating Bill equally benefits Landlord, Farmer, and Labourer. Business done.—Rating Bill at report stage. Thursday.— No use Hennirxer-Heaton trying to intimidate me by shooting at | Hansvury,” Duke of Norro.x is reported | to have said. These are brave words. But if Henn1xKer isn’t soon raised to peer- age where he may face Jockey o’ Nor- FOLK on equal terms, Hansury must go | there. It’s terrible to be pelted night | after night with pellets from pillar letter xes. To-night Henniker insisted that | Hansury should, right off, explain. why | Some postmasters charge “bonheur” as two words, taking the same iniquitous course with “alright.” Ewen case-hard- ered Secretary to Treasury must be touched by cruel disappointment under- gone by fellow-creature who, probably as result of sitting up all night, invented word “alright,” proffered it as part of a tele- gram, and found a penny charged for it, instead of a halfpenny as he had hoped. Hansury concealing his emotion, gave customary official reply. Thought ordeal over for night. Hennixer down on him like a shot with another conundrum. “Why is father-in-law charged as three words, and mother-in-law as one?” “IT was,” Hansury told me later, “ go- ing to reply that there is an instinct with a certain class of men that impels them to make as little as possible of their mother- in-law. Might have led to controversy ; thought it better to say nothing. But must get rid of Henniker. Wonder if he’d accept mission to inspect and report upon telegraph service in Mashonaland ? Lines in neighbourhood of Buluwayo and Fort Salisbury just now offer interesting field for man of active habits.” Business done.—Working through re- port stage of Rating Bill. Friday.— Sad to watch demoralising effect of Ministerial defeat on faithful follower, JoHNSTON oF BatiyKiLBec. All through his Parliamentary life has kept up fusillade against his compatriots of another faith sitting opposite. Ever ready to beat the Orange drum when need were to drown the music of the Catholic horn. But apparent ferocity only hisfun. Sark, who knows them both, always insists that the two kindest-hearted, gentlest-mannered men in House are those redoubtable con- troversialists Tus Hearty and JoHNnston oF BALLYKILBEG. Defeat of esteemed leaders on Treasury Bench has, only temporarily it is hoped, soured Ba.tyKinpee’s temper. e other night when Jonn Drm.on was picturing period of millennium in Belfast, whereat Lord Mayor of the Orange City and the Roman Catholic Bishop solemnly shook hands over an arrangement of the Corporation Bill, BatiyxK1Lsec_interpo- lated the remark, “ Prrats and Herop!” The House shuddered. Last time Hzrop was introduced into Parliamentary debate he was followed by pointed reference to Jupas, leading up to the famous free fight. Members held their breath and waited. Happily nothing came of it. But incident marks the deep stirring of a gentle nature, and shows how men’s hearts have n riven by the event of a historic week. Business done—Committee of Supply. SPORTIVE SONGS. A SYBARITE IN A DAMP PARK DEPLORES AN ASSIGNATION AT FIVE A.M. Tue nimble minutes fly apace, And yet you do not keep our tryst ; The bracken springs with sprightly grace Amid the silver mens mist. The early bird on yonder lawn Is sapient gourmet of the wood, And hails the herald of the dawn As tried purveyor of his food. But I have not yet broken fast— My drowsy vassals kept their rooms When I descended, and o’ercast A scene demanding air and brooms. We were a merry crowd last a Neath wit and whiskey’s mingled spell— I say “last night,” but morning light Was breaking ere we bade “ Farewell!” My comrades went to seek their rest Like foemen weary of the fray— If snoring of repose be test, They iP wake refreshed for lunch to-day. But I have never closed my eyes, Remembering whom I now shall meet. The love that time and temper tries, Is one that makes us long to eat! Yes! underneath this grand old oak That seems for something hot to beg, Where first our faithful vows we spoke, Those birds suggest a new-laid egg. That troutlet leaping in the stream More pleasing would be on the grill ; That cow incites a wish for cream, And bread is promised by yon mill! Why don’t you come? Am I to wait Till all mankind’s restored to life? Oh, for an omelette téte-d-téte, And fork to dally with a knife! Oh, for my coffee’s > omen steam, Unchicoried, a liquid gem! [’ll read your wo great, ghastly dream ! Your note says, “ Meet me Five p.m.” ! A FALL IN LODORE. [‘*The Lodore Hotel and Falls were put up to | auction the other day, but no sale was effected.’’] Yes! the same water comes down at Lo- | dore, Crashing and slashing, And mashing and ing, And hashing and dashing, And lashing and splashing, But the moneyed men did not come down for Lodore! Tue Queen as Umprre.—Her Masesty has decreed “ no ball” at Buckingham Pal- ace this season, so uo “long hops” will | be in evidence. the Interna- | rigades ought Fire anp Water.—Surel tional emblem of the Fire to be the pump-kin.

Page 19

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BULMER’S CIDER w PERRY. HICHLY RECOMMENDED BY THE OLD NOBILITY. Six Varieties Also in Small Casks Price List and Testimcnials from H.P.BULMER & CO., HEREFORD, or through Wine Merchanta, &« A REAL SEA BATH in your PIDMAN'S SEA SALT, PATRONISED sy tue ROYAL FAMILY BEST REMEDY for RHEUMATISM, WEAKNESS, TENDER FEET, &e FINEST STRENGTHENER and TONI for All, Young and Old, MAY be USED at any AGREEABL! TEMPERATURE. To avoid Worthless and Inj urious Substi tutes ask for TIDMAN’S SEA SALI TIDMAN'S PURE TOILET In TABLETS ONLY, GUARANTEED AL! PURE BOAP. May be Safely Used by the Mot Delica end tensitive Also in BHAVING, for t SATH and in all ERU PLIONS of th SKIN. in Bottle.

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Page 20

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

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Page 21

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Page 22

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -—JULY 11, 1896. CHATTO & WINDUS’S NEW BOOKS. | KINGSCLERE. By Joun Porter. | f 9 full Demy Edited by livsen Weeeee. With ¢ apd numerous smaller illustrations oy Goth, ibe “ Ne one can close this fascinating volume with out a sigh of regret -bD © SO mare "| RAVEL AND TALK. By Rev. H.R. Hawes, M.A With Portraits. 2 Vols, crown v0, cloth, 2is “ ¢ is the kind of book which, on one page or ther, appeals to every mans mood and most women's curio«it Amons« ecclesiastics at large there are few more agreeable ratties than | Mr. Hawes FAMovs VIOLINISTS AND VIOLING: Notes, Anecdotes, and ue =. By Dr. T. i Crown 8vo, Oresaece WHERE T0 GO FOR A HOLT. | § Thirt oon well-known Writers, th, is AY my Crown 6¥0, \s A MANUAL OF MENDING ABD REPAIBING. hy Cucncee G. Latanp. With lilustrations. Crown Svo, cloth, bs *It is one of those books which so household should be without —ScvTsman THE MASTER CRAFTSMAN. By Sir Watrcen Besant. Becond Edition, At every Library “To write a novel like ‘The Master Crafteman’ must be to enjoy oneself. It fairly beams on its readers '—Saercu Fa RIDDLE RING. By Justis MoCaarar. 4 Vols. At every Library *A bright, clever, interesting novel.” Maus & Gaserte NEW THREE-AND-SIXPENNY NOVELS. THis STAGE OF FOOLS. monaan Menace TALES OF OUR COAST. By 8. BR. Caccarrt, Gisear Ponasa, Haroip Paspnast, W. Cisae Rusesit, and‘ Tales of Our Coast’ cannot possibl ost r atari U tod begin lox to ond. ‘—Daict Matt. pozis AND I, and other Stories. By Jouw Starroap “Short love stories, some of which have con- siderabie zB "—SCOTSMAN ROME. By E. “The Downfall.’ — Pau By attain a than they deserve. @ book is | | | ZOLA, Author of | *Not only the paneest book which Zola has | iven 4 but one of the greatest books of our PRAceR THE SH. SHADOW OF HILTON FERNBROOK. By Aras Weersecer “A work of much merit, both asa aaey and in the manner of ite narration —Scursman NEW SIX-SHILLING BOOKS. A*, EASY-GOING FELLOW. or Iw Gletinetty cover story . will be widely condend wernlpappoedated "—PateMaceGaserrs. Pir goan er ane RECOLLECTIONS JOAN OF Bdited by Maan Twain. With +f Iilustra *A beautiful i, and « large slice from the saben cree ar and Sas or tt 0 " peastiful and the tres, Sitenes HMenevay. we OF HERMISTON. By Rosszar Lovis Srevenso~ “ @rtat with a greatness alike of conpepion, of arrangement, and of language . . Adook to be remembered emanates few precious books of the century. —Daicr alt London: CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, Piccadilly, W RANSOMES’ Patronised by the Queen and the Prince of Wales. First Prise in competition at the last trials, Horticul tural Exhibition, 1892 Used in the Parks and Public Gardens LAWN MOWERS THE BEST in the WORLD. “New UTOM ATOR Cuasin Automaton,’ “ Aneto- Ania, Wout” and “Pont amp Hones eee Mowrns, in all sizes to suit every uirement All Machines sent on a Month’ s Pree by all \~ Cc monn =a Paid. Supplied lvonmengere RANSOMES, orks aJErrE! ES, Ld., Ipswich. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daicy Gonsumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. SOLID SILVER PLATE. The Finest Stock in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, Show Rooms: {2 REGENT ST., W. (Apsomtne Srentoscoric Conran rt.) There are two classes of bicycles— COLUMBIAS Columbias sell at a popular price toeverybody, and are the finest bicycies the world uces. Uther bicycles sell for less, but they are act Columbias. Applications for Sub- Agencies to be * made to the European Agents, , New Zealand Avenue, London. Send for Illustrated Catalogue or Cail at THE COLUMBIA DEPOT-— Vigor, 21, Baker St., London. YOU SEE THEM EVERYWHERE. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY or rnx STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION Sold throughout the World. MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS MACNIVEN &C CAMERON'S PENS “They come a8 & boon and a blessing to men, The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pea.” THE FLYING J PEN. 6d. at all Stationers. and Semple tien let ls. ld. by post. Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. BUTTER-SCOTGH (The Celebrated Sweet for Children,, CaggZ trey Lancet ‘COLTS NEW ‘DOUBLE- ACTION 32 CAL. ised REVOLVER aT and solid frame, is the latest d best pocket revolver made. It supersedes a onan rice list free. COLT’S FIREARMS to. 26, Glasshouse Street, Piccadilly Circus, London, W. - QRIENT COMPANY'S PLEASURE CRUISES, dy the steamships LUSITANIA, 3,877 tons ister, and GARONNE, 3,876 tons regis- ter, leaving under -— J. the NokWaY FIORDS, lth July, for ays. For NORWAY FIOKDS, VADs (for Solar Eclipse .and SPITZ \ | RGN, 2nd July, rior At the most northerly point of this Cruise the will be above the horizon at midnight. ForCOP -NHAGEN,STOCK HOLM, 8ST. PETERS- BURG, KIEL, the BALTI: CANAL, &c., 2th August, for 28 days. String band, electric light, high-class cuisine. Managers: F. Green & Co., Anderson, Anderson & (‘6 Head (Offices, Fenchurch Avenue. For passage apply to the latter firm, at 5, Fenchurch Avenue, E.C., orto the West-End ranch Ofice, ls, Coekspur St., 3.W. ORIENTAL CARPETS Sold at Wholesale Prices TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Price List. “APENTA” THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices: 6d., Is., and Is. 3d. per bottle. REAL GERMAN Daz GROUND Black Handle, 5s. 64. Ivory Hendle, %. 64. A Pair Ivory a ee in Russia leather case, Zis. From all Perfumers and Dealers. Wholesale: Osponwr, Ganaert, & Co., London, W ROWLANDS om and re- the e ae hands eradicates freckles, rk tan, &c., an: produces a beautiful and ag gad ‘com- plexion. Bottles, 2s. 3d. and 4s. 6d. ODONTO whitens the teeth, pre- vents rent. 3 and J ay as pleasing fragrance to the brea MACASSAR OIL 23s and beau. tifies the hair, and —_ aoaiee had in a golden colour. Sizes, 3s. 6d.; 7s,.; 10s. Ask Chemists po inewiands articles, of 20. Hatton Garden, London Sent iree by post on receipt of postal order DIAMOND MOUNTERS. “ Rowatios ” Links. Diamonp Gotr Brooca. From £15. 18, NEW BOND STREET, W. In Goup anp Examen on Cayerats, From £9. Diamorp Goose Broocn, From £25. LAPIDARIES.

Page 23

Jury 11, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 13 “SANS ADIEU!” Chartered Co. (tu C-c-l Rh-d-s, who looks ‘‘ rather resigned”), ‘‘ 30RRY WE'VE BEEN OBLIGED TO ACCEPT YOUR RESIGNATION, BUT WE KNOW WE CAN STILL RELY ON YOUR VALUABLE SERVICES. AU REVOIR!” : terful Mefistofele-Mancinelli led his band OPERATIC NOTES. to Ho efistofele notable as being Wednesday. — Not too big a house for one of the very few operas in which there Mefistofele, with MancueriTE MacINTYRE js no part for Mile. BavERMBEISTER. as two single ladies rolled into one, name-| Thursday.—Carmen. A nd perfor- ly, Margherita and Elena: of course, a| mance. Is there a better Carmen than ouble attraction. Epwarp pe ReszKE | Mile. Ze.ie pe Lussan? If so, name her. magnificent as Mefistofele. CrEMONINI| Watch her by-play, technically known as not strong enough for Faust. But Faust | “business.” It is a study; it is admira- was a rather weak person. Borro’s opera | ble. In the Third Act, M. ALvarez scored, is a very remarkable work, and the Covent not musically, but dramatically, as Don Garden Management is justified, “on this| José, when, losing his temper with the occasion only,” in issuing a printed re- rfidious light-o’-love Carmen, he dashes quest to those of the audience who cannot ~ to the ground. And how excellent remain till the end, to leave “during the|in this situation was Zetm pe Lussan! interval preceding it.” But audiences, | Scared, as if she were saying, “ Well, I am especially operatic, do not approve of being dashed———to the ground! and dazed!” dictated to. Also, liking to be considered| Admirable contrast in appearance is as habitués, they flatter themselves they Madame Emma Eames, singing charmingly know when to come and when to leave and winning a basket of flowers, handed up without being ushered in or ordered out.}by Benignant Bevienant: Emma Macer Mao obtained a lovely bouquet. ' surprise on seeing this enormous panto- The quartette at end of Second Act was mime basket, as who would say, “‘ Lawks! deservedly and vociferously encored. Mas- is this for mz, poor little me?” With the| Priest of Venus in La Belle Héléne, all a porsens, oe ~ Aa ay 2 exclaim rop rs!” Perhaps the stupid custom will die out. If flowers are to be given, let it be by spontaneous action on part of audience carried away by some d effort, and showering on La Diva the bouquets (if any, bouquets not being in fashion nowadays) they have brought _ them. Bo Ra ge ny = end RANI ve » @8 y the former. A better Escamillo than Signor ANoona is hard to find, and his rendering of the Toreador song ined a hearty encore, which ANnoona’s matic and vocal merit richly deserved. Altogether a first-rate performance. Vive Carmen! BRITANNIA AT HENLEY. Ou, I am a wet-bob nurse, I am, And I know my bey by the Gut of Cam, And the similar Gut of Isis ; And the one, they say, is the source of all The nautical virtues, great and small, And the other of all the vices. But I think at the end of a four-mile show That a in of t mere yards or so Is a nail ngly tight one ; el And had both been reared on the self- same ditch I’d have certainly backed—well, I won’t | say which— But certainly backed the right one. But tony. our friends from the far, far Shall put, if they can, toa crucial test | fame of our Old-world fettle ; For when Thames and Isis and Cam com- | ine, There avon to be done if they ’d take the ne From our polished Britannia mettle. As a matter of faith I’m free to confess That nothing succeeds like the old success, In the track of a tried commander ; And with Nicxauis at need to pull them I pin my h : to the crimson crew, Tro the ae our loved Leander. But I ay that the pick of the lot may - ding-dong rattle from Faw- When tho throb of the heart goes | shorter ; When sister Britannia’s well-known throat Sends back like thunder her best top-note, To the yell of the Yale supporter. “ ” They eee Be, xan, Yale!” as they | ye Cornell Till they ’re black in the face and as hoarse as— ’ On the boom for the bold Uitlander ; But I guess that my best top-note is wo A couple of lengths and the inside berth, To the backers of old Leander. Waat Sir Tatton Sykes Gives rortn To THE Wortp.—That in so far as he is concerned La Fléche may go to—Lord Marcus Beresrorp. Rara Avis In TERRACE, NIGROQUE SIMIL- LIMA oYGno.-—One of the new waitresses at the House of Commons. Me. S ’s (UNavutHonisep) Derini- tion or Up-ro-patz M.P.’s.—Poll-parrots. VOL. CXI v

Page 24

[Jury 11, 1896. i “———S]} a ieee aerate | VAN oF. has” 4 = "y, a a7 t is | ~ N a | ; vai Be i ih Wi yn fl i — \ p——_— ~\ ce — MCU NOL THE LOVING CUP AT HENLEY! Father Thames (drinking to the health of the Yale crew). ‘‘Here’s To you, Boys! DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU !

Page 25

Jury 11, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. areane 9 & Damsel in distress. ‘‘Hetp, Jack! Hep ! RESCUE.” ToMMY IS GOING TO LIE DOWN, AND J CAN'T swim!” THE YACHTING SEASON. (Examination for a Master’s Certificate. ) 1. Can you dance a hornpipe? if so, which? (Vivd voce.) If dancing unaccompanied by fiddle, whistle the first eight bars of College Hornpipe. Also, dance the three first figures of the hornpipe, announcing the distinctive name of each beforehand. 2. Explain the terms “ Ahoy!” “ Avast!” “Belay!” derived? Also of “Splice my main-brace.” Is “main-brace a part of ri what? Is ‘ State varieties of “ Lubber.” “Bumboat woman,” “ Marlin’ spike,” “Son of a sea-cook,” “Dash my lee-scuppers!” “Pipe your eye,” “Tip us your grapplin’ iron.” 3. How many Mates may a Sea Captain legally possess at any one time ? 4. Is “Sextant ” the feminine of “Sexton”? 5. How often do “the red magnetic pole” and “the blue pole” a repainting? At whose expense is the operation performed ? 6. a only Royal Academicians eligible as “painters” on 7. Is it the duty of the Surgeon on board ship to attend the “ heeling ” ? _8. In case the needles of the compass get out of order, will pins do as well? 9. At what time in the day, whether previous or subsequent to dinner, is it necessary to “allow for deviations” ? 10. Draw a picture of “Three Belles.” Give classic illus- tration from the story of Paris. "4 What rule is there as to showing lights on nearing Liver- poo 12. When in doubt would you consult “the Visible Horizon,” “the Sensible Horizon,” or “the Rational Horizon”? Give reason for your n. trust “the Artificial Horizon”? If so, 13. Can sailors ever under what circumstances ? 14. Is “ Azimuth” an idol, or something to eat ? koe | this spelling of his name correct P ing, or of sailor's costume? Which? If neither, | ubber” a term of opprobrium or of endearment? | Give derivations of the terms | Doctors’ Commons or the Archbishop of Canterbury _15. Would “Mean time” always refer to lowering wages or diminishing rations ? 16. Presuming you know all about the “Complement of an | Are,” explain that of Noah’s. 17. Who was “ Parallax” ? Give a brief sketch of his career. 18. Give example of “ Meridian Altitude of a Celestial Object,” | by drawing a picture of the Chinese Giant who was over here | some time ago. 19. Give history of “the Poles.” Who was Kosciusko? Is 20. “Civil Time.” Illustrate this term from English History. 21. Can a “ First Mate’s ordinary Certificate” be pee by (On these questions being satisfactorily answered, the next Examination Paper will be issued.) COMPLIMENTARY CONVERSATION A LA CHINOIS. (Arranged for the reception of a coming illustrious visitor.) May your Excellency stay in London a thousand years, and be accompanied to all the sights in town every day and night for a century. hina is more civilized and important than all the powers of Europe put together, and the entire British Fleet is not compar- able vith the smallest junk from Pekin. Your Excellency is infinitely wiser than Prince vow Bismanox, more accomplished than the German Emprror, and quite as astute as the Right Hon. JosgpH CHAMBERLAIN. The words that your Excellency will speak will be treasured a | million times more dearly than the conversation of Hi late Sovereign of Persia, and your sojourn amongst us, however prolonged, will be quite as pleasing as the flying visit of the SHAHZADA. Compared to China, Bnajens is but a valley beside a mountain, a small potato near a pie of pumpkins. But your Excellency understands the proverb, “compliments butter no parsnips,” and, as the Times sensibly observes, ‘ will like us the better if we do not overvalue either you or your country.” M. the |

Page 26

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

[Jury 11, 1896.

r

Ax a. a) A aut <a Pw ) \ a a | | | | i i J im! 1 = . | |

| | » i ny |

Pras cbrdee § =—— The Doctor’s Daughter. ‘‘Oun, Gites, I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU FROM MY FarHER. HE SAYS YOU MUST TAKE SOME QUININE IN ALL THE WHISKEY YOU DRINK.” The Village Toper. ‘‘ Lor’, Missy, 1’D BE FEARED 0’ DOIN’ MYSELF A INJURY, TAKIN’ NE IN SUCH QUANTITIES !” QUINI

FINANCIAL ADVICE. (From the Poppleton College Gazette.)

just now, but the price is sure to advance greatly in a few weeks’ time, when the | smounspetioas are close * hand. Boun’s ilt-edged ditto are che Dear Jack,—Business matters have been the fast that they Senn pos A < — fairly quiet this week, although prices have cealed under the coat, are not likely to fluctuated considerably. Money is less|do as well as Keiy’s. There has been abundant than it was a few weeks ago at| some movement in catapults, owing to the the beginning of the term. Jones major, | confiscation of a large number by one of however, one of our most dashing s -| the masters; indeed, they rose 2} points - gel ts a visit from an uncle at! (from 44d. to 6d.) on Rove te But I the en of the week, who is not unlikely | cannot recommend them, except as a to furnish him with a Oe of speculation, for it is not unlikely that capital. It is rumoured that, with the aid the introduction of the cheap home-made of this, Jonzs intends to create a corner | substitute will bring down the price with in white mice. As these commodities are|a run. I may also repeat my warning to very cheap at their present price (two| you to beware of such purchases as Jews’ cakes or a pocket-knife), you will do well | harps and the like. e boom in these I must refer once more to the very un- satisfactory report of the Potted Meat Syndicate, Limited. This company was floated, as you will remember, with the object of providing its shareholders with potted meat at tea for the whole term. A very large number of half-crown shares were applied for, but the potted meat supplied so far has been insufficient in uantity and inferior in quality. And now Smita major and his fellow-directors have issued a further call of one shilling per share! All the shareholders are naturally disgusted at this result, and I hope a searching inquiry will be made into the manner in which these self-elected direc- tors have managed the Syndicate’s affairs. Under these circumstances, the failure to float the School House Pocket-money Trust is not to be wondered at. Its origi- nators proposed to take the pocket-money of every boy in the House for three weeks, in order to provide a grand feast at the end of term. But the chance of any dividends seemed rather remote to the majority of speculators. Trusting that you will find my hints of service to you in your financial transactions, believe me, my dear Jack, Yours affectionately, Harriet Peecher-Stotve. (The Author of ‘‘ Uncle Tom’s Cabin” died on July 1 at the advane:d age of 85.) [** Let us never doubt. Everything that ought to happen is going to ha ae os | of Mrs. H. Beecher-Stowe on her Seventieth Birthday.]

Tommy.

Au, sunny optimist, whose pen | Was gay at three score years and ten, Would all could share such sunniness ! | But life looks grey, and hope grows chill. | Yet youth and generous hearts will thrill | O’er thy Great Book, its large goodwill, Its fervour and its funniness. | That book from China to Peru, | And lands that Jonson never knew, | Thy name and fame have taken. | A tale that helped to free the slave! | From Uncle Tom’s untimely grave |Came thoughts that stirred the kind and brave, And left hate’s stronghold shaken. Let all else pass, words to regret, Unwisdom all would fain forget, One book, large, humorous, human, Abides to move the best in man; Of authorship American, In spirit cosmopolitan, True work of a true woman!

England v. Australians. Shakspea re's Advice on the choosing of the All England Eleven. “Wnt none but Hearne or Hunter serve your turn?” Merry Wives of Windsor, Act V., 8c. 5, a ed Cricket version. A Famiiar Crarr at Hentzy.—The “ open-house ” boat. Tarnes To wHice CrickeTING Memsers or THe Anti-Gamstinc Leacus arg AD-

to purchase as many as possible, with a view | j i i -li to unloading later. Another security that | nah bes Op fea ae I can honestly commend as a sound in- enabled to realise at an enormous loss. On | vestment is Ketiy’s Cwsar cribs. They the other hand, I should hold silkworms| are, I know, at a considerable discount for a rise. the buyer of any quantity will only be | ?!°T™?-— “Pitch” and “Toss.” Perer tHe Hermit.—The Chairman of the County of London Sessions.

Page 27

Jury 11, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 17 OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. It is « little late in the day to mention Anraun Morxison’s Tales of Mean Streets (published by Mzruvzn), but personally = ae Weg ) gg ng hogy ne o oe day,” that is coo! night, is just very best time for quiet reading, when the busy man, having “cornered himself” comfortably, can peruse at leisure—without fear of interruption. This was my case—my book-case—after a delightful day on the river in the launch of the Wai1-Rep Dove as, of that ilk, in the open air, on the lovely river. Then, bodily fatigued, mentally active, I sat down to two stories out of Tales of Mean Streets. By this time everyone knows them. The first story, “ Lizarunt,” is Zola-esque. It is written, however, with a humour that Zoia pone not, and it is this quality that saves it from being deously repulsive. Without knowing from personal experience that the _—s is true to 7 the reader ~) that it > so, as such brutality cannot be imagined, or, if imagi co not be put into dramatic action, or on record. “ Herinis, most horrible,” as the immortal Wii. hath it. “But humorous, most humorous,” aye, and most Charles Dickensly humorous is the bigamistic story of “That Brute Simmons,” which is, as it were, a kind of Enoch Arden tale, admirably burlesqued. However, the book is “connu,” and I come in late with my =. No pate, “ Better late than never.” it ibly unpremeditated, certainly effective, Mr. Fisner Unwin, in publishing Mr. FirzGeraup’s Climbs tn the New Zealand Alps, has produced a volume almost mountainous in size, magnificent in get up. The story is worthy of its frame- work. Mr. FirzGzraup, weary of the comparative commonplace of the European Alps, turned for fresh worlds to conquer amid the grim, little-known sisterhood in far-off New Zealand. Here are still to be found virgin peaks with hoary heads, never caressed by human hand, soaring into clouds which, according to Mr. FitzGerawp’s account, continually do rage. Why a man havi a moderately comfortable home to dwell in should wish to spen a few nights and days on the top of a mountain, whose attraction is a ntly increased by its grim inaccessibility, is a matter my Baronite cannot understand. Mr. FirzGeratp during his ascents of Mounts Sefton, Tasman, Sealy, Haidinger, and other uncomfortable places, was snowed upon, rained upon, blown about, dropped into crevasses, suspended by ropes over fathom- less chasms, and, when not thus actively enjoying life, slept in a bag after having had nothing particular for dinner. Tempta- tion to quote far exceeds ibilities of s . But here is a brief passage descriptive of the delights of mountaineering : — “‘ Our clothes, beards, and hair hung with icicles, while the rope between us was covered with ice, rigid like an iron bar. The mist was so thick that it was at times impossible to see each other.’”’ Through this and other experiences the small party—which, in addition to Mr. FirzGera.p, consisted of a Swiss guide and a New Zealand porter, who chiefly spent his time in getting in the way whether of man or mountain—doggedly, even cheer- fully, struggled, winning their way to the desired heights. The narrative is picturesquely told. The volume is enriched by a valuable map, and is illustrated with rarely beautiful pictures drawn from photographs taken on the spot. Tas Baron. A SUGGESTED SPEECH. [ “The Poet Laureate will unveil a statue of Ropert Burns at Irvine on July 18.”—Daily Papers.| Guip Frren’s,—Ye ken I canna mak’ ye a lang speech, bein’ mair a wanchansie mon, ram-feezled wi’ writin’, than a skirlin’, tapetless glib-gabbet. It’s been an awfu’ fash tae me, bein’ a Southron, tae p a’ this in your Scottish language, but a’s weel that ends Sel, It’s a bonnie thing tae hae a wee bit quota- tion whyles, gin ye can, baith Latin an’ English. Aiblins ye ’ve read some o’ my prose writin’, whare ye'll find mony whig- maleeries and whirligigums frae the auld Latin. Ye maun ken that I’m the Poet Laureate. That’s an unco high an’ exalted state. Your puir poet Burns had na sic a ughty title. I wad be laith tae rin him doun, but ye maun n that he was nae Poet Laureate, like mysel’ an’ my prede- cessor. I doubt na but ye’ve read “Jameson’s Ride.” I1’ll na fash mysel’ tae tell ye o’ ony mair o’ my poems. But Burns was or ea tea sae it’s a pleasure tae me tae unveil this sonsie 2. Before I wish ye a’ gui Fw Looe gang awa’, nay aay, pe ow mony guid things in auld ye ve Ramey ae pibrochs, an’ phillibegs, an’ parritch, an’ banks an’ raes, an’ mony ither vera guid things baith for eatin’ an’ drinkin’, but ye’ve ne’er had « great Poet Laureate o’ your ain. Ah weel, then ye maun be satisfied wi’ puir Burns. ere ’s mony waur. egg-shell boats. CONE wy = ~S aon SoS = Was—="\ ) S > SS Tu) ae Sy ss = SS = ce INFANT AGONIES. Small Boy. ‘Auntie! Auntrg! Has Goosrcocs cor Lxos? Auntie. ‘‘No!” Small Boy. ‘‘ Boo-400-H00! THEN I’VE BEEN AND SWOLLERED—A BEASTIE !” ‘Red as a Rose is She.’’ [A fashion paper says that much of the auburn hair now worn is collected from the heads of uncleanly and uncomely women in Germany.} Txose lovely locks of true Venetian red, That catch the sunlight in their carmine skein Once decked some ugly peasant’s unkempt head, Sweet auburn! loveliest pillage of the plain! Sovurn Arrican Merempsyronosis.—It is reported that Mr. Crom Ruopgs is becoming haggard. Can the ex-Premier of the Cape have taken on him the semblance of the author of She? Anoruzr Insustics To Ertx.—Should English tourists act up to recent suggestions and invade Ireland, incursion is sure to bo segeeded by the natives ap 0 tour do fores. Cock-a-poopia-poo!—Our irrepressible joker writes (from prison) to say that Hen-lay has always been celebrated for its

Page 28

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jury 11, 1896.

, ant «iF =~) , hag Olt AL | - fs) $7 A y / / OD TAR TN) 2 TORN \\,\\\\ UP TO DATE. Mamma. “1 CAN'T HAVE YOU PLAYING WITH MY PursE, Jacky. THERE’s YELLOW MONEY INSIDE.” Jacky (who collects new Farthings). ‘‘ I’ve cor YELLOw Monery IN My Purse, Too, Mummy!” Mamma. ‘‘ WELL, MIND AND DON’T MIX THEM UP. MINE HAS GOT A MAN ON HORSEBACK ON IT.” Jacky. ‘‘Mruse nas Gor A WoMAN on A BicycLe!”

This morning I was wakened with a tonic, not sol-fa, SPORTIVE SONGS. Caused by the wailing accents of your horrified mamma. A Sorrowing Swain at Henley to a Faithless Damsel who has accepted She says that you have fled with Him to Nic-a-rag-u-a! dimmu = Singing, “ Heigh ho! we've had enough of Henley!”

Toe gy and the launches are mingled once again, 7 Singing, “ Heave to! a mer ace is Henley!” TID. , De The mandolin and banjo, on mee the same refrain, PiPS FOR FARMERS. _, Senging, “ Ting! tang! a jolly place is Henley!” Stick to wheat. It was good enough for your forefathers, and The flowers are more beautiful than e’er they were before, ought to be good enough fr you. " ‘ ‘ They glow upon the river bed, and nod along the shore, Clamour for protection. There is not the slightest chance of Each beckons with its petals like a floral semaphore, your getting it, but it can do no harm to ask for it, and it takes Singing “Well met !’tis sweet to be at Henley!” your mind off such comparatively unimportant subjects as rent, And you, my love, are looking like a water-lily fay, ~— ee oa — ——— end £0 on. ¥ . “fn ’ . ” - ° “ve . You've «hat that is defiant of the San Gods ardent ra (tier eve Menged Coes St inating Se Coley. = St - & ardent ray, grows weeds, as it probably does, it can grow other things if it ¥ aging, | Feir skins must a Soe at Henley!” iikes. Don’t humour it. | You've a skiff, a punt, a gig, and the cosiest canoe, | Never plant a fruit tree. Fruit encourages birds (and boys) Canadian by birth, and it’s only made for two— | to a.’ @ anybody suggests jam, tell fam “you are not a So together we will paddle in and out this floating Zoo, | grocer,” and see what he says. The probability is, that he can Singing, “ No cares or tears are known at Henley.” | say nothing in face of such a smashing retort. t spend money on nitrates or There'll be racing, thor 'l be shouting, but we'll over heed the |, .X@"r, co-operate, with neighbouring farmers, in spite, of weer | ee de | despised Dane, but not the free Briton. As a rule, the worse Singing, “ Pull well! amuse yourselves at Henley!” sp » but. ‘ . But for us the gentle languor of a listless, loving day, terms you are on with brother-farmers, “45 better. Singing, “ Dear heart! ’tis thus we’d be at Henley!” : : . sos ae ~ ‘ ; , are most other things. You might do a little stock-raising, but So if — take Grand Challenge, or the “boys” the Ladies’ | only in ® casual way. Cows are a n isance ; let no hi tempt Or if Dutchman, Gaul, or Yankee prove his oar is up to date, | Sain ft ad ae oe al attieas aarp It’s the sort o Yet oo putea cannot vie with one—the match for which Keep no accounts. Never read anything about your business. Sinai a ee <<“ : po” | If the world moves, decline to move with it. You will find this — wins! We're happiest at Henley!” | course the simplest, and the Official Receiver a very pleasant gentleman, after all. E

Last night I left you warbiing of the ever constant stream, Singing, “ Sea foam! I come to thee from Henley!” Your voice kept coming back to me like music in my dream, Singing, “ Sleep on! I slumber, too, at Henley!”

“ Mazvima debetur pueris,” i.e., “ Young volunteers ought to practise with maxims.”

Eggs are entirely beneath your dignity. So are poultry. So |

Page 29

.—Juty 11, 1896.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI “WM Jy. WY “VY g j Wf Y WG, Y Dr Y / ms - < LLY, hy /, Vy JhISH 44ND ZA ) “és \ eG = , - : ol 4 FA i , 0 Ges 7 o\ a é rae A r i

\ \ i 2 A] N 2th wi Ne a TN aw NO REASONABLE OFFER REFUSED. Coster ArRTH-R B-tr-k. ‘“‘’ERE Y’ ARE! ‘NAME YER OWN PRICE! WE’VE GOT TO GO ’OME D’RECTLY! TAKE ’EM OR LEAVE ’EM!”

Page 30

Page 31

Juuy 11, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21 up in Yorkshire I’m a Dutchman.” to me ay Oya spirit in which such an offer should be accepted, but the great point was that Harry was disposed of, and was a reasonable hope that he might really do well in his new position, and cease to be an incu on me. There @ few little bills, he had hinted, that he would like before starting, so as to begin with a clear record. for instance, a rascally cigar merchant who had stuck him with a cabinet of Cabanas, there was a clamorous jeweller who had made a mean insinuation with re to a writ, there were tailors, bootmakers and haberdashers. The total staggered me, but as this was really to be the last time, I resolved to pa: and look as pleasant as I could. Atiom said I had as it ought to act, and that it would have been a sinful thing to send the poor boy to Yorkshire with a millstone of debt round his neck. Thus handicapped, she declared, it would not be ible for him to take a real interest in his new pursuit—besides, she had A LESSON IN POLITICS. Wuat sare Torres AND Rapicats, GRANDPAPA?” ‘TORIES, MY DEAR, ARE PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO HAVE A QUEEN, AND Lorps, AND BISHOPS, AND MORE OR LESS REMAIN AS THEY ARE -——WHILst RADICALS OBJECT TO HAVING A QUEEN AND A HovusE or LORDS, AND ARE DISSATISFIED WITH EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY, JEALOUS OF ALL WHO ARE BETTER OFF THAN THEMSELVES, AND ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO ROB THEM OF THEIR PROPERTY, AND, IN FACT, THEY "RE A PACK OF INFERNAL RoGuEs AND SCOUNDRELS !” ‘* AND WHICH ARE You, GRANDPAPA—A Tory oR A RapIcaL?” occupation and the orderly management of a details that go to it he never tin existence. ROUNDABOUT READINGS. My Broruer-1n-Law. ( Continued.) How is it, I have often asked myself, that youngsters of a more or less proved incapacity, turn, as a last desperate resort, to the of a land-agent ? The greatest thickhead in the world, supposing him, let us say, to fail after repeated attempts to secure a Commission in Her Majesty’s force tell you that there is something within him t certain he would shine in land-agency. that the business consists merely in riding good | viewing an occasional refractory tenant, in shooting, and in pay- ing visits to the Metropolis. Of the keeping of accounts, of estate with the hundred Only let him be a land- agent, and he sees himself :fixed for life in comfortable quarters ee food, and as little to do as is compatible with con- s, will ad a rule hat makes him He seems to imagine horses, in inter- Harry, at any rate, had no scruples of any kind. “ My dear old man,” he had said, when I communicated Sir Grecorr’s offer to him, “it’s the very thing for me. I always told you read only last week a distressing account of a eet geeeiner | who had committed suicide because he couldn’t pay his rent, _and she knew that Harry had the proud and sensitive nature | which was peculiar to all the members of her family, and who | knew what might have happened if I had refused to pay. With _ these and other arguments, all equally convincing and irresistible, | did my wife prove to me that I had in paying taken the only | qoumee which was open to me as a gentleman and a brother-in- aw. Tuus Harry set off for Halesworthy Hall, and for a time everything seemed to be going well. Sir Grecory was pleased, Harry was delighted, and a blessed feeling of relief pervaded all my domestic arrangements. All this was much too good to last, and acordingly, in the fourth month after Harry’s de- letter: —“ My pear Tom,—Don’t be surprised at what I’m going to tell you. The fact is, I never had an idea there was blessed business. I don’t get a single moment to myself, and I had to chuck three good shooting invites all in one week because to know no end about heifers and sheep and things. So I’ve told him that for both our sakes I thought we had better part. | | Of course I put it as nicely as possible so as not to hurt the old | | boy’s feelings, because he’s a good sort, though he doesn’t know a | | decent bottle of wine from rank poison, and smokes the beastli- |est cigars in the world. I shall be sorry to leave this place, for there are some very jolly people about, and no end of pretty a fellow must deny himself something, so 1’m coming back in a day or two. I hope you won’t mind giving me the usual shake- down till something else turns up. I’ve got my eye on two or three things al y. There’s a Bicycle Company they want to shove me into as a director, but I Loven’ made up my mind about it yet, as it wants some looking into. If it’s good I shall join. I met a chap the other day who invented a new pedal or something, and he ’s made a Company of it, and they tell me he’s worth a hundred thou. That’s the sort of thing that would suit me down to the ground. Love to Auice. By the way, if you could lend me about a hundred I should be awfully obliged. Things have been pretty expensive here in one way a another. I’m sure to able to pay you back before the end of the year as I’ve got a couple of good young horses that ought to fetch three times what I gave for them. See you soon. Ever yours, Harry. P.S.—I’ve got another bit of news for you that’ll make you smile, but I'll keep it till we meet.” Four days afterwards Harry turned up sure enough, and in- formed us, with the utmost cheerfulness, that he had been privately married a fortnight ago to the eldest daughter of one of Sir Grecorr’s tenants. “Simply a ri ping girl,” he said. “Can play no end of good comic songs, ri ean angel, and is as pretty as paint.” But I didn’t seem to be able to smile as Harry expected. (To be continued.) Question for an Exam. Paper, by a Senior Wrangler in e. War is an oval figure generated from the section of a cone by a plane cutting both sides of cone, and meeting with the base, when produced like a kiss? that was my line of business. If I don’t make things fairly hum Because it is a lip tickle (elliptical). parture, I received from him the following rather startling | going to be such a mortal lot of grind and sweat about this | there were estate accounts to be made up. I never was much | of a hand at figures, you know, and Sir Grecory expects me | girls, and the partridges this year are first-class; but after all

Page 32

LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jury 11, 1896. A MO

"4 Wik “ ; * , iA\ \\\ \\ “ & 2 & = ° = m2 = z \ Pal rs *% 7 AN a _— | | fers

WHAT A DIFFERENCE THE MERE ACCIDENT OF PuysICAL STATURE MAKES IN OUR PUBLIC MEN.

_— i | | é oe” wae WN aN AN Wy os Wi”.

Page 33

Juty 11, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HYDE PARK ITSELF AGAIN. (Thanks to the new Code of Rules.) An end of cant, And rot _ ep - made our parks and gardens hideous ; We’ve heard eno Barn-stormers’ stuff, — Low jests and blasphemies insidious! Henceforth Hyde Park, By day and dark, Exists for recreation decent ; The noisy ; Who spout Are silenced by these orders recent. What with the screeds Of rival creeds, ’Twas like a cat show in Kilkenny ; Salvationist, And atheist Each brayed to catch the needful penny. Well feel disgust No more, we trust At sot and satyr, crank and vandal. my | ’re well put down— ° ore town So long had prec grave a scandal ! Extract FROM THE CIRCULAR OF A LARGE | Cyotz Manovracrurine Firu.—“ We now | do business on the pro rotd system.” That The Apple of Discord. Cae goes frightfully far, but one eels It is fast getting over the border, When Datzizt to old Standing Orders ap- 8 In the interest of Standing Disorder. Not a Tzsnpger Foor.—Henry AL1- corn has been convicted of stealing boots. LORDS AND LADIES. (After the Oxford and Cambridge Match.) As usual, they were there in hordes— The truth, I am id, is That the attractiveness of Lords Somehow appeals to ladies! The spanking drive, the splendid catch, Good things beyond all mention, I missed them all throughout the match Through some “fair” intervention. The constant bobbing up and down Of giant hate and feathers, The unnumbered rustle of passing gown, The ceaseless flow of “ blethers ”— These things make hasty men say “ Blow!” Words stronger they must smother— | Although I heard a ‘0 So far as to say “ Bother!” So, though I’m rather fearful lest | Our friendship it may sever, | Let me prefer one small request— | Tis better late than never. If, Paris, you your place must take | _ Between me and the wicket, Don’t chatter, and for goodness’ Sit still and watch the cricket ! sake | Tae Resvutt or “ Aui-Nieut Srtrincs.” —Brooding legislators. ———————— | | | | | Enthusiastic Briton (to seedy American, who has been running down all our National | Monuments). ‘‘ But EVEN IF oUR Hovses OF PARLIAMENT ‘AREN'T IN IT,’ AS YOU BAY, WITH THE Masonic TEMPLE OF CHICAGO, SURELY, Sin, YOU WILL ADMIT THE THAMES | EMBANKMENT, FOR INSTANCE Seedy American. ‘‘Waat, Guess I DON’T | EMBANKMENT, NEITHER. IT RAINED ALL THI ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | | EXTRACTED FROM THE D1Ary or Topsy, M.P. | House of Commons, Tuesday, June 30, 8.20 a.m.—Just come home with the milk | At least, I thought I had, but find it’s | been here nearly an hour. Which, as Sars | says, shows the milk has more sense thar I have. Sarx has more still. He went | home at one o’clock this morning, just as | House was settling down to all-night sit \ting. He says it was the eggs. Last time bn, all-night sitting there was nothing to eat between one o'clock and five ir morning. At that hour, manager of Com missariat Department took four-wheel cab, | made tour of all fried-fish shops in New |Cut, brought back four-wheeler full of oily ‘scraps. Doesn’t sound appetising; but you should have seen us gobbling them up At one o’clock this morning whisper THINK 80 DURNED MUCH OF YouR THAMES BKLARMED TIME THE NIGHT I SLEP ON IT.” ran round that manager had taken time by the forelock and eggs by the hundred. “Fight hundred eggs,” said Tanner, beaming; “mostly fresh.” It was then Sark cleared out. “ We shall see those eggs long before breakfast time,” he said. “There must be an end of supply of argument even on Agricultu- ral Rating Bill. When arguments are ex- hausted they ’Il take to eggs. I’m a man of peace, so I'll say good night.” Nothing of the sort happened. On the whole, intensely dull. ew Members, who had heard of all-night sittings in good old times, when Josgrn Giiiis was still with us, and thirty-seven Irish Members were strung up within forty minutes, bitterly disappointed. Only lively person on premises was Squire or Matwoop. Sat it all through; from time to time | stepped down and stirred the stagnant | pool. Once made his brother Sourrr or

Page 34

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juny 11, 1896. ra BLanKnNer quite wild. Twitted him with inexperience. “T have been a Member of this House as long as the right hon. gentleman,” said | Seurre or Buianxney, looking more than | ever like Jove as he turned frowning countenance on his brother agriculturist opposite. “We were born together,” said Squire or Matwoop, sweetly. That upset Branxney altogether. “I | beg the right hon. gentleman’s pardon,” ‘* We’ were born together !”’ (Sir W. Harcourt and Mr. Chaplin.) he roared. “He has the advantage of me by about twenty-five years.” Seeing that BuiankNEY was born in 1840, whilst that modest flower, Wriu1am Gsorcz Gran- VILLE VENABLES VERNON potest forth from the glades of Newnham Park with other flowers of the Autumn of 1827, the sum won’t work. It only shows how oung the Squrrz or Bianxney feels, and cor muddled we get at all-night sittings. “There are,” said Sequins or Matwoop, repeating observation he addressed the other day to Cransornz, “two things | envy the right hon. gentleman. One is, his youth, the other, his inexperience.” Business done.—After sitting of seven- teen hours, got Agricultural Rating Bill through Report Stage. Tuesday night.—SarKk strangely moved by experience of friend of his from above Gangway. By four o’clock this morning felt he’d had enough of all-night sitting Happy thought: Go home. Gas still flaring from roof on pallid Members struggling round Clause 9 of Rating Bill. Outside Sarx’s friend. M.P., found | fair, fresh June morning. Thought he’d walk home. Crossed Westminster Bridge as Worpsworts did on a September morn- ing when century was a puling chit not quite three years old. M.P ing scene recalled the matchless verse : — This city now doth like a garment wear The beauty of the morning ; silent, bare, Ships, towers, domes, theatres, and temples lie Open unto the fields and to ths sky, All bright and glittering in the smokeless air. | Cab crossing bridge. After all, a little | late, better drive. Walk another time. | Hailed cab; man pulled up. “*Ouse still a sittin’? ” said cabby, with gesture of elbow towards terrace, where small groups of Members strolled to and fro sucking eggs. | “Yes,” said M.P., pleased at this in- | terest shown in proceedings. “ We’ve | had rather a hard night of it.” “D’ye mean to sy,” persisted cabby, | “that instead of going to yer beds li sensible men ye’ve been a sittin’ up all night argyfying ?” ‘That's about it,” said M.P., smiling. | Without another word yy Fe down from his perch, made for balustrade | of bridge, and before M.P. quite knew) where he was he found himself holding on to cabby’s left leg, the other, and part of cabby’s body, being flung on opposite side, plainly with suicidal intent. “Most extraordi sensitiveness on | part of cabman,” M.P. said to Sark. | “Nothing to him mally, of course: | but mere idea of 6/0 more or less picked | men deliberately sitting up all night to! make laws for hi his family, and his | chums, suddenly striking him, temporarily | upset his brain, and he became possessed by irresistible longing for oblivion. Touch- ing incident ; same time, wish it had been you or some other Member that happened to cross bridge at moment and want a cab. You ’ve no idea how exhausting it is, early in the morning, having had only two eggs since midnight, to hold on by one leg of a cabman till a policeman saunters up. Moreover than which, when the police- man did come, instead of going home I had to accompany my friend to police- station, and was there bound over to re- turn at ten o’clock and give evidence in case. gawd in bed when I had to turn out and make my way to police-court. All-night sittings very well; but if Prince | Thinks now CHaPiin has | like that. cordite looked as innocent as a quarter of a pound of cocoa-butter. But see what | came of it. Situation certainly not without danger. This not the less effective because, as a once popular domestic commentator used to say, it is “Wropped in mi ‘a House, which thought it had done with Committee on Budget Bill, found itself once more considering Ways and Means. CHANCELLOR oF Exocnequer assumed off- hand manner which did not deceive Ew- BANKE Keartzy. “A mere es said Sr. Micuart. Been overlooked by predecessors at Treasury; but his eagle eye, surveying scene, perceived that cocoa butter was sliding in without paying duty. Simply proposed to clap on tax. House puzzled. Margarine it knows and has heard of what Davip James used to call ‘a pat of Dossit.” But what this new butter might be, and how it should disturb the whole Budget arrangements was beyond comprehension. LEY seemed to know all about it, but his por- tentous references only deepened the mystery, added to the urbation, Loven also knew; severely cross-exa- mined CHANCELLOR oF EXCHEQUER as to how many pounds of butter were yielded per hundredweight of cocoa. Sr. Mr- cHarL’s painfully halting answers did not reassure Committee. end resolution agreed to only upon understanding that matter should come up again a week hence. Meanwhile, distinctly uneasy feel- ing engendered. Possibly only reflex of earlier excitement round Education Bill and Rating Bill. But there it is. Business done.—Quite a lot. Friday.—Witrram Lawson wants to know under what authority drinks are sold within precincts Houses of Parliament? | Axgers-Dove as can’t tell him. Has only to do with the fabric; nothing with any mixtures that may be compounded inside. Witrrm Lawson not to put off that to prosecute some one. ot Rating Bill off his hands, he would be the man. Sark says all very well Lawson talking But are his own hands quite Is it true that in neighbourhood way. Means clean ? |of Epping Forest there is a public-house |called the Wilfrid Lawson Arms? Is the |hon. baronet aware of this? Was it done | with his knowledge? has it his approval ? Sarx will put down these questions for an early day. Business done:—Foreign Office vote taken. The Short-Story Boom Summarised. _I’tx tell you a story all gloomy and gory, **The Member for Sark.”’ | AnrHuR wants another, I hope he ’l! patrol | Westminster Bridge himself.” Business done.—After all-night squabble | | Board of Conciliation Bill appropriately taken in hand; read second time. Thursday.—“ It would be an odd thing,” mused Cawme.t-Bannerman, “if, after dropping Education Bill, and carrying —- through two all-night sittings, the strongest Ministry of modern times | should accidentally slip on blotch of | cocoa-butter, and break their blessed neck like A year and a week ago this very day|Cuane. Absit omen. And now my story’s begun I'll tell you another all sexual pother, And now my story’s done. (Mem. :—All must scrappy, with end- ings unhappy, And void both of Beauty and Fun!) Punch to the American Pilgrims. Goop luck to the new Pilgrim’s Progress! Hate is a monster, Strife an ogress. |The Mayflower’s gone, but, with good- will, Our mutual love may flower still. A DistincuisHep OrrentaL Visitor with aN Unprorrtious Name.—Li Hone

Page 35

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juxy 11, 1896.

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Juty 18, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 25 Se WP OY/ WAY Ua) fh YIM /A/Z DZ Va Y iW ry To tri iy i i" | il HAAS iY, GT th I; REMARKABLE ILLUSTRATION OF THE SPREAD OF CIVILISATION IN AFRICA. SCARCELY FIGURES OF FUN. Dear Mr. Puncn,—Every has a serious side to his cha- racter, and I take it that your character (a most excellent speci- men of the article) is not the one that proves the exception to the rule. And this being so, I appeal to that side on a matter of the test moment to myself and thousands of equally un- fortunate ratepayers. Most kind Sir, I live in a parish named after the patron saint of my native land, with the addition of a well-deserved com- pliment to the integrity (id est, the squareness) of the House of Hanover. It is not because my dwelling is situated in this “most desirable neighbourhood ” (as the estate agents describe it) that I select it for notice, but because it is a fair sample of many other localities equally favourable for letting purposes, inclusive of that purpose which lets gold and silver out of the pockets of the habitual residents. Once a year my Vestry send me what they call “an important notice card.” My Vestry, no doubt firmly believing in my simplicity, give me not only the dates when I must pay my quarterly rates, but casually inform me that if I like I can pay the four quarters’ rates in advance. Having thus testified to a belief in my child-like innocence, my Vestry take me into their confidence. My Vestry tell me that they have estimated that the ratepayers will have during the year 1896—97 to produce £493,639 9s. 10d. On learning this, I naturally accept, with cordiality, the 9s. 10d., but kick at the odd, very odd balance of £493,639 ; and, knowing that I will kick at it, my Vestry proceed to inform me that “they have estimated that they will ealled upon to pay £397,658 4s. 1d. towards expenditure over which they have | no control.” Again, I make no fuss about the “four and a) penny,” reserving my resentment for “the more than a third of a million.” By an act of arithmetic (showing what rapid strides the School Board have been making) my Vestry come to the conclusion that there will be a balance under their control of £94,958 5s. 9d., which will go to pay “the deficiency of last year,” and “ Paving, lighting, cleansing, watering, and mainten- ance of roads, for local sewerage, sanitary expenses, &c.” No doubt the “5s. °d.” will be exhausted by the “&ec,” Having given a general idea of the situation, my Vestry are good enough to enter into particulars. They tell me that I must pay 3s. 7d. in the £ for a Poor Rate, which covers all sorts of strange items, includi “police, and county rates, and charges under London Equilisation of Rates Act,” and ls. 10d. for a General Rate. This latter takes 93d. in the pound for General Vestry Purposes,” and over a shilling for “School Board Charges.” Then, to make up my pleasant little “5s. 6d. in the pound,” a penny is thrown in to defray the cost of the Local Sewers’ Rate. I don’t mind the penny so much. It would have been even welcome if it had come without its irri- tating five and fivepence. But, alas! it doesn’t! But my Vestry are sympathetic. They say “that they much regret the serious increase of threepence in the £ in the amount of rates for the year.” The pa that it is owing “to the requirements of the L. C..©, and the School Board,” which they pathetically add “were largely in excess of the amounts estimated.” Then, as a sop to public opinion, they sternly in- sist that “under no circumstances whatever are the men of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade allowed to collect money.” They show by this fierce announcement that although they have no control over the L. C. C. and the 8. C., they can at least “larn” certain individuals what it is to be “men of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade.” And with this declaration of their rather imperfect independ- ence, they bring their “important notice card” to what, under all the circumstances of the case, may be kindly called a spirited conclusion. Now, my dear Mr. Punch, I do not believe that my worth is placed at too high a value by any one, but, for all that, I sign myself, with confidence, An Over-ratep Man. Address—after Quarter Day—the Workhouse. SPELL AS YOU PLEASE. (By Our Cockney Correspondent.) [‘* Poor spellers will be rejoiced to know that an eminent British philologist, Professor Earner, believes that the rules of spelling are a great and useless mental tyranny, and holds that literature and true education would be ad- vanced by allowing every person to spell as he liked.’”’— Evening News.) 7, it’s bin a long time coming, but I knowed ’twould come at larst. The larst bonds from the free neckses of the Britons ’as bin carst. Britons never, never, never shall be slaves—to spellin’—more ! As hemancerpation’s welcome, though it might ha’ come afore. “Great and useless mental tyranny!” Perfessor Eartz, old chum, You may be a filolergist ; at least, you’re not a hum. Rules o’ spellin’ is all rubbish, as all clever writers know. Jest you twig a page o’ Cuawstr,—wich ’e scribbled long ago,— Or a pome of ; ae Spenser, and you'll find that neither chap For wot Skool Boards call good spellin’ cares a blessed single rap. Wy should we, then? Earte ’as ’it it, yus, in once, and no mistyke. Let us all spell as we like, and let the heasiest cop the kyke! Them “Three R.’s” ’as ruled us long enuff an’ oughter ‘ave the chuck, Fussing erbout vees, aitches, and sech fair tongue -tanglin’ muck. Wot’s the hodds ’ow words is spelt so as you spell ’em as you choose, Whether like Cuawstn, Spensen, Wixurre, the Vonetik Nuz, Or a bloomin’ Board Skool bounder wiv ’is harbitrary code ? I a nel Go as you pleese, boys,” and the spellin’ book be ow There is lots of college toppers, and fine lydies, I ’ave ’eard, As know Latin, Greek, and Frongsay, yet carnt spell. Now, that’s absurd! Wot the dickens do it matter, if you know yer wy erbout, Whether you spell hambition with an haspirate or without ? Wy, F tear good hold Suyxespgre would ha’ funked these Skool ys, Seein’ ’e spelt ’is grand old nyme a duzzen diffrent ways. Yah! If you’re nuts on libberty and littery ease, Cry, “Bully for Perfessor Eanzs and spellin’ as yer pleese!” Exam. Question for Tourists’ Guide Paper. | Manrron distinction between an incendi who sets light to a farmer’s hay-stack and a passenger by the L. C. & D. line to a well-known sea-side resort? Solution.—The one goes to burn hay, and the other goes to Herne Bay. VOL. CXI. D

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Jury 18, 1896. La / “SPEED THE PARTING GUEST !,” HOPE YOU "VE HAD A GOOD TIME IN THE OLD CounTRY!” J. Bull, Hon. Artillery Company of London (to Brother Gunner of the Ancient and Hon. Artillery Company of Boston). ‘‘ Au REvoIR! I Wl, Lf, G GY) IY a My ¥, | EZ / NZ N ile Ua \> \ I

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| that the players sho To give away runs, | and “ wides,” |’Twrxt letter and spirit there ever was Juty 18, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE NEW CRICKET. [‘‘ The first and only principle of the game is do their best to win it, subject to a strict adherence to the letter, and, if you will, eae) spirit of the rules.”-—Lord Cob- ham on Cric strife ; The latter, we know, is the thing that “ gives life” ; It certainly would do to cricket, If, —_ to conquer,” the man with a bat Might stand on his head, stop the ball with his hat, Or purposely fall on his wicket. | And as for the man with the ball, why, of | course, The new argument there has equivalent A trundicr judiciously bowli trundler judicio wlin might send Fao balls,” | Until og Extras” outnumbered both sides. Then the game—as a farce—would be howling! Why not play in motley, with comical m Indeed, “The New Cricket” most cer- inly asks eet Command, not of bowling, but features. | A good corner-man, with his face painted black | (To hide awkward blushes) would beat the d “crack. “C. C.” would mean “Comical Crea- tures!” | Mere “ playing the game” is confoundedly | slow, | But playing the fool is so fetching, you | | Just look at “ | "issues forth ow! And cricketing ought to mean clowning. | e ring” when a match is | run ciose | How every mouth clenches, how every eye | ows, How brows are ali knit as in frowning! All silent, all eager, all watching “the As tho *twere a tragedy! Does that It might at top-he ted old “ stod sul tted old “ stodges,” The Mynns and the Betpxams, the y-| ZENS and : What “modernity” wants now in cricket | And Jeremy Diddler-like dodges. And who but serene university swells | Should set the example? What matter the ells Of the multitude—who may have wa- gers? No; let the “New Gentlemen” shape the | “ New tf t ” | And we shall have fun and low farce at the wicket, That well might astound mere Old Stagers! Enrin!—The Deceased Wife’s Sister Marriage oe ano reading in the | Lords (and s) by a majority of Seems ie oon! Fa er feather in plumage 0! at Early Bird, the Not-to-be-Dun-raven, who triumphantly with his bill in his beak. AU U iY; Lg i Xq **Spare A Copper, Lipy?” ‘“VERY SORRY, BUT HAVE ONLY SILVER IN MY PuRsE.” ‘“‘Art niout, Lipy. I CAN GIVE YOU CHANGE!” VICE VERSA, Our strongest of Governments seems to be doomed To one of the saddest of fates. The weight of their Measures was vaunt- ingly boomed, But now ’tis all Measures and— Waits! A SHRIEK FROM THE SHIRES. Dear Mr. Puncu,—Do you know what we unhappy country people are now threat- | ened with P The plague has begun down here near Bristol, in Gloucestershire and Somerset, and will soon, unless checked, spread everywhere. It is nothing less than the abolition of rural rambles! For who would care for a walk through fields if | he might not pick a primrose, or a black- | berry, or a cob-nut? Trespassers are to | ba taken in hand by a brand-new co-op | erative agency, which removes all trouble | in the matter from the farmer’s shoulders and places threatening notices, all orded the same, in every field. The old moss- grown board about “trespassers will be prosecuted,” which nobody regarded as serious, will be changed into a real rural Board of Works! And half our rustic pleasures will go by that board. Whene’er we hunt the hazel-nut, Or drag the brambles down With blackberries ourselves to glut, The fine is half-a-crown, | —or very likely twenty shillings and costs! The youth who breaks hedges shall himself be broken. Much as we all sympathise with agriculture, this surely is not the way to cure agricultural depression—it only adds to ours. The real defect from which farmers suffer is—too much (country) side! | Please order these new boards to be taken down. Yours appealingly, Innocuous STROLLER. THE MOST POPULAR ASSOCIATION AT Srocxsrivce.—The Buy - (straw) - berry | Club, members unlimited.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 18, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunosno Jaspensez, B.A.) No. XVII. Containing some intimate confidences from Mr. Jabberjee, with the explana- tion of such apparent indiscretion. Also some notes on the Academy. Berork proceeding to set down sundry critical jote and tittles upon the Royal Academical Picture Exhibition of current season, I am about to whisper confidentially in the gentle ears of the | sympathetic reader certain particulars relating to this humble | | ego of mine. Since writing my latest contribution I have folded up my tent ‘ Unaccustomed to!dark -complexioned gentlemen.” like an Arab, and silently moved away from Porticobello House, this independent hook being taken under the ostensible and col- ourable pretext of a medical opinion that the climate of Bays- water was operating injuriously upon my internal arrangements, but the real causa causans and des cartes being a grow- ing disinclination for the society of select male and female boarders. Miss Jessimina was naturally bathed in tears at the announce- | ment of my approaching departure, although I fondly sought to console her by assurances that my residence in Highbury, Is- lington, though beyond the radius and of inaccessible remote- ness from Ladbroke Grove, should not obliterate her brilliant e from the cracked looking-glass of my heart, and that I would write to her with pra? regularity, and revisit the glimpees of her moony presence at the first convenient oppor- unity. I do correspond with effusiveness and punctuality through the ene, ae pith young, tien te oe acquaintance of | mine, who does at High’ and has kindl undertaken to forward as billets douz. sry This stratagem is necessitated by the circumstance that (as a matter of fact) I am dwelling under a rose at Hereford Road, Westbourne Grove, which is in convenient proximity to Prince’s Square and the stately home of the A.usurr-Innerr family, with whom I am now aoe, to become the tame cat. In Hereford Road I occupy garishly genteel first-floor front | and back apartments at rupees fifteen per week and the Lady of | the Land entreated me to kindly excuse the waiting-maid for jumping with diffidence whenever I pop upon her unpre- meditatedly on the stairs, being a nervous girl and unaccus- tomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen—though, her own coun- tenance, from superabundance of blacking and smuts, being of a far superior nigritude, it is I myself who should be more justi- fied in jumping. However, she is already becoming the habituée, and seldom drops the crockery-ware now—except when I simper with too beaming a condescension. Certain of my readers will perhaps hold up the hands of | amazement at my imprudence in disclosing my whereabouts, and other private concerns, in the publicity of a popular periodical | —but there is method in such madness; they do not take in Punch at Porticobello House, considering that one penny (or even the moiety of that sum) is more correct value for funny and comical illustrated journalism, while the ALisutt- Inverts, although they see Punch weekly do not peruse the literary contents, especially in the season, when, as Mrs. A. I. frequently remarks, they are in such a constant whirl of social dissipation that they have absolutely no time for serious reading. At first I was severely mortified that—so far as my acquaint- ances were concerned—these tittlings and jottings should be thus written with water, but I have since made the discovery -_ my cloud of disappointment is internally lined with precious ver. Now I will proceed with the criticism of the Royal Academy, to which I lately escorted Miss Wee-wee and ‘her elegant Mamma. I shall not deny that I was pleased with the majority of the pictures, which are of a magnificent newness and brilliancy, and in frames gilded with a lavish superbitude. But, being many thousand in number, it is obviously beside the | question that I am to mention each individually in praise or | blame, and I can only single out a few—rari nantes in gurgite | vasto—and at the hamrd of Hap. There was a representation of the “ Besieged City of Mansoul,” apparently in India, and bombarded by Hon’ble Bunyan in the | Holy War, according to the index. Not i desirous of seeming the ignoramus in Miss Wxe-wer’s eyes, I averred that I knew it well, and it was captured in the Indian Mutiny, where one of my relations had highly distinguished himself by his official fidelity to the Government. In No. 3 Gallery there was a picture which Mrs. A. I. -aid we must not forget to look at, being one of the pictures of the year, and purchased by a request ew the Court of Chancery. It was entitled “The Man with the Scythe,” though by far the most conspicuous characters consisted of a woman and a small feminine child asleep in a chair. My companions agreed that the title was enigmatic, but Mrs. A. I. observed that the child was of a delicate appearance. Another subject was called “The Confession,” and presented an individual of a careworn and conscientious type cloaking his eyes with his fingers, while unfolding the harrowing tale of his misdemeanours to a very beautiful but sickish young lady, who was listening with a very proper expression of shocked and fas- cinated disapproval. But, with all humility, I would suggest that the interest of the picture would be greatly promoted by the Catalogue containing some more definite details of the sin which formed the head and front of his offending. In No. 6 Gallery was a very fine portrait of a nun in the act of genuflection under a tree, with a good and bad angel in the | background. Speaking for this poor self, I did consider the bad angel the more attractive in comeliness of the couple, though Miss Wzz-wre made a smiling reproach of my naughtiness in expressing such a preference. The adjoining gallery contained a picture which Mrs. A. I. | said we must be sure to remember to stop at, being the depict- | ment of the funeral of Ricnarp tae Tarrp. However, she was of the opinion that for so lugubrious a subject it was not suffi- | ciently sombre, as it was notorious that crimson was not correct 'Court mourning. Regarding Queen Anne, I — that she | has been considerably flattered by the painter, as I have always understood that she was elderly and of a pursy habit, and by no means as pretty as paint. But the painter was probably | of the gallant opinion that de mortuis nil nisi bonum. v - greatly ne rr | a aga called “Alone,” ~ = | showed a senile gentleman of rather greedy disposition, | had stolen slyly back with some dogs at the conclusion of a ban- | quet for the pu of finishing up the leavings, &c. | Also I noticed a curious painting of a youthful connubial | | |eouple, who had been, very imprudently, occupying themselves 1 , aoe ee TE ee

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| | | endeav to upset it—the answer must infallibly be: To) | Juty 18, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 29 in blowing e bubbles from a small kind of open boat during | a tempest. is was shortly called “ Whither?” Now Davus sum, non Cidipus (if I have employed this particular classical | quotation supra, ite adaptability and universal popularity with scholars must excuse me), but to such a question—the party | being totally deficient in oars and sails, and the vessel r impeded by nude characters of both sexes who were en- Davy Jonzs’s locker! Another 7. fanciful subject was the delineation of a mer- maid at the bottom of the sea, who was serving several fishes with drink out of a shell. Now it is indubitably the case that a fish is used as a synonym for a thirsty—but surely it is opposed | to common sense to su that creatures who are naturally surrounded by unlimi iquid should be under the necessity to sip such refreshment from a shell ! As Mrs. Atisutt-Innert remarked, and I had the honour to concur, it is pitiable that artists should select such impossible | subjects as the two above-mentioned, and should take so little pains to observe Nature! But in one particular I can cordially commend the conduct of | the Academy at this Exhibition—they have gene with- | drawn their clause insisting upon the deposit of all sti um- brellas, et hoc genus omne. This is Enlightenment and real Artistic Progress, and I will | pao confidently to predict that it will increase their receipt of custom. A FLY ON THE WHEEL. | (By Mr. Punch’s Own Interviewer.) “ Anp how about the railway race to John o’ Groats?” I said as I introduced myself to the cheery skipper of the Starboard route, and fell unasked into his favourite arm-chair. “Race?” he answered, “what race? Know nothing of any | race on ou? line. Tell me all about it.” “There is a popular impression,” I replied, “that you and the | Larboard line propose to resume your go-as-you-please contest. That, no doubt, is false. But you will admit that last season your John o’ Groats Through Scorcher was getting a little pre- vious in its arrival.” eh Tee threets 3 bind =a de itted. “But, in P it is not true that we ever | «5 OjunirytBarber ‘affably, to tal stranger). “VERY TRYIN’ WEATHER | raced; and, in the second place, the Larboard began it. We aan ‘sm mend ven aes AS IF - a LIKE YouR Bopy In A aimed simply to reach the irreducible medium of friction, and to| poy, an’ your "EAD IN A PusLic-‘ouse!” perfect our system of punctuation. We have —— this | : = | year to have only one full stop, and that at the end. For the| None of ours so much as approach the perpendicular. I may rest, there will be but two commas and a semicolon.” tell you, in confidence, that a rise of even two feet in three is | “Race or no race,” I said, “may I ask whether you are 4 strain upon the most willing of locomotives, even when | conscious of an irresistible public feeling in favour of being | followed only by a second locomotive, two tenders, and a go- turned out on a hard Gaelic platform three-and-a-half hours | cart, the best possible combination for an ideal train.” before breakfast-time ? ” “If,” I said, “you will pardon a suggestion from a mere lay- “You would never believe,” he replied, “how strong a sport-| man, it has often seemed to me that needless friction is caused ing instinct lies latent in the breast of the British passenger.| by allowing the wheels to come in contact with the metals. Among busy men who cannot get away from town for more | Would it not be feasible to ignore the rails altogether, or only one consecutive day, there is a growing demand for an hour or | bring the train to ground occasionally for the purpose of correct- two with the grouse at John o’ Groats. It is for these that we ‘ing any lateral aberration ? ” y hope to cater. In the old system, the morning up-train was| “You may be sure,” he affably replied, “that this happy idea timed to leave the north long before the arrival of the down. of yours has not cocaped our consideration. By another season By a careful economy of time, and a more free use of the finer | we hope to have experiments in that direction as well as varieties of train-oil, we ne to obtain so handsome a margin jn the use of pneumatic tyres for minimising the shock of these on the right side, that a sportsman, leaving London the | intermittent nts. At present we are engaged over another night before, may walk over a moderately-sized moor on the ex-| problem, namely, the best method of dealing with the signal- treme confines of the Hi ’ a brace or so before the man of the Auld Lichts Junction, where t 8 Starboard and birds are really awake, and get back to town in time to eat them [arboard routes converge. It will be within your memory, at dinner in the very bosom of liis family. And all within ¢hat one night last year he ran us heavily into a siding while twenty-four hours.” |he put the others ugh. He may or may not have had a “But your locomotives,” I ioterengied, “will they not suffer | trifle on the result. We are anxious, Lowever, not to dispense from what I may perhaps call the prolonged strain of this Sturm | altogether with signals, as — employment to a deserving und Drang?” class, and are a popular source of confidence. “On the contrary,” he answered ; “we shall have fresh relays, “But,” he added, courteously, “ you must be greatly pressed posted along the route. The same machinery—a sort of glori- for time in your profession. I have already detained you too fied mail-catcher—that picks the old engine off the line will drop | jong. Good day.” a brand new one in its pre, be hope, also, - obviate the | difficulty of refreshments in ollowing way. By an ni- ; mething Like it. ous ment of troughs (the Larboard, I may say, will ve, : 8: _— pages ted, dear, that the American | nothing like it) our passengers will be enabled to lap up buns| Miss Longtooth..I’m so ighted, ’ and things while the train still urges on its unbridled career. A | Artillerymen have come over to England. member of our personnel will be present to check off the amount! Mrs. Quiverly. yt love ? af consumed. Miss L. (oiggling Because everyone knows that the Boston) | “Then, again, we have the advantage in point of gradients. | ans make the hubs” in the world. ike,

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30 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 18, 1896. i = sss sail Hit . SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN (IF. \|POSSIBLE). Hostess (bringing up the rear with the Duke of Whortlebury). ‘‘ It SEEMS A PITY THAT A YOUNG MAN LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE TO GO DOWN TO DINNER WITH AN OLD WOMAN LIKE ME!” His Grace. ‘‘ 1's ONE OF THE PENALTIES OF HIGH RANK, YOU KNOW!” | Margate to family. Family also nomadic, HOLIDAY THEORY—AND PRACTICE. | Margate to family. Family also nomadio, {Dr. Lov1s Rontyson, writing on “‘ The Science} Why not some new place—say the Black of Change of Air’’ in the National Review, says | Forest in Germany. Ah! A forest! poe} reason why a any ootee does ose | Primeval instinct croppin | good is because man is naturally a nomad, and still | ily unconsci | keeps up the wandering tnstinsts of his hunting Fanail ously ve | ancestors. } up again. ucing passion of arboreal ancestors for tree-climbing. : | Very interesting. Must write to Dr. | Qurre agree with Dr. Rostnson. In| Rosinson about it. Striking confirma- fact, he seems to have taken my i tion of his theory—or my theory, rather. and without acknowledgment, too! Per-| haps due to my never having told anybody | Then whither? E body suggests a about them. different place. Excellent | What could | Feel very nomadic to-day. Suggest be more nomadic than that? Family, Black Forest abandoned—too dear. | again; you will be Yale-fellow, well met! however, must depart from primitive _ cedent and all go away together, I fear Expensive to divide forces. Jolly for nomad ancestors not to have to think of expense. Wonder if, when they changed woods, they paid nuts to a new monkey- landlord ? Mast ask Dr. Ropinson what he thinks about it. But isn’t what I think equally important? Certainly. Thought it would be Margate, after all! | Old hunting instincts come out wonder- | fully during search for lodgings. . Charges high—perhaps due to elevation at which lodging - house - keepers’ ancestors lived. Our landlady delightfully primitive and nomadic—shown by her instinct for appro- priating bits of our joints. Evidently her ancestors had flocks and herds of their own. Now she lives on other people’s flocks and herds. Must mention her case to Dr Rosinson—if I write to him. Fancy I am more nomadic than rest of my family. Feel a craving for Boulogne ; and why not Paris? Off by La Marguerite. Didn’t know how strong instinct was before. Jolly casino at Boulogne—“ petits chevauz,” too! Must have had very sport- ing ancestors! Probably they gambled for nuts on tree-tops, because——there goes my last five-franc piece! Up a tree—more nomadic than ever! Hang Dr. Rostnson. Why does he start these absurd theories? Pawn watch, and so back. What an ape I have made of myself | SPORTIVE SONGS. A Jilted Etonian becomes amorous once more at the Eton and Harrow Cricket Match. A very long, long time ago— How long it is I scarcely know— I met you on a coach at Lord’s. You told me that you’d never seen A sight so splendid, as this green Surrounded by such joyous hordes Of fashionable folk. And you Were fairest blossom—true light blue— “ Forget-me-not!” was your adieu! The years rolled on, our ways apart. I kept the farewell of your heart Among the things to be redeemed. Again we met, no longer boy, I saw you Fashion’s latest toy, And not the girl of whom I dreamed. But still you wore dear Eton blue, Though in the scene no longer new. Forgotten was your first adieu. And now to-day by that same flag I see you on the self same drag— Not younger than you were before. But always, as you were to me In that first year—’twas something-three— Why fix a date, for you and me, When Time is running up our score ? Life’s chances may be very few, Then why not that sweet vow renew ? You are forgiven—but what’s that blue ? Harrovian! Perjured maid! Adieu! Weatner Statement.—The heat has been so great that we are informed (on ex- cellent authority) that the ’bus-drivers all over London have been enabled to light their pipes on their own boxes. A SLEDMERE SONNET. MATRIMONIAL cares oft are wove in a mesh, | | Sir Tatton with Wedlock is shot by al Fleche. A Worp to rae Y.’s at Hentey.—Try |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 18, 1896. “JOHNNY GILPIN!” (MARKIs oF S-L-SB-RY . John Gilpin.) “THE HORSE WHO NEVER IN THAT SORT WHAT THING UPON HIS BACK HE’D GOT | HAD HANDLED BEEN BEFORE, DID WONDER MORE AND MORE.” |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 33 Juty 18, 1896.] 14; Z “di / {fo ; bf Wi ji sf 4 LU Wy Y. Sih he x La WLM Yj “Uppy. an Yy, ; Ad WY dll | | Yy/// 4 i Nil | | q f 4 | A*SPARE'MOMENT IN THE NATIONAL PORTRAIT CALLERY. | Right Hon. J-s-ph Ch-mb-rl-n. “Yes; NO DOUBT WE ARE VERY | | MUCH ALIKE. HE WANTED ONLY THE EyEGLass!” HINTS ANENT THE A. H. A. C. OF BOSTON. (At the Service of those who take down Ladies to Dinner.) For Maiden just out.—Yes, sweetly pretty uniform. Dark blue tunic with light blue overalls. Picturesque kepi. Perhaps they are a little elderly, as they belong to the Veteran Company. Most of them family men. Or at least, have cousins and aunts. Certainly are accompanied by their women folk. Don’t know much about them personally, but read an exhaustive descrip- tion of them in the Daily Telegraph. For Maiden very much out.—Most interesting. Recruited from the best families in America. No doubt plenty of million- aires amongst them. Fancy some of them went over to the United States originally in the Ma 7. From this take it that they will be glad. to get back and settle at home. For Wife of a Political Economist.—Ought to do a great deal of good. Create friendly feeling between the two branches of the English-s ing race. Most satisfactory that the ex- pense is not thrown upon the rates. Not certain, however, that ratepayers belonging to the H. A. C. of London will agree with me. For Wife of a Poet.—Charming idea altogether. Certainly a subject for Loncrgiiow, or the only Englishman worthy to Quite a pity if the idea is anticipated by the wear his mantle. Poet Laureate. Should be more popular than Miles Standish. Very touching, the rapprochement of the old and the new. “ Rule, Britannia,” and “ Hail, Columbia” ; but it is on this occa- sion that Britannia is the hailing party. Of course this is only | the rough idea, but in capable hands the theme might be worked | up into something tremendous. For Widow of a General Officer.—Yes, a fine body of men. | But discipline apparently slightly slack. The idea of the rank | and file electing their officers, preposterous. Quite true the | British army would never have been the British army if its| generals had been made in that fashion. Still, the force must | be meritorious because Her Masgsty received them at Windsor. | For sensible average abilities.—Truth to say, have} never seen them. lieve they are quite as interesting as any | other body of citizens of the United States. Seem to more | or less a club. Well, lots of good clubs everywhere. Inclusive | of the House of Commons. Quite as good a subject of conversa- tion as the opera, or the Royal Academy, or Hurlingham, or | Henley, or Goodwood. Perhaps even better, for during the next nine days (while their visit remains a wonder) the topic | will be fresher! | | THE MEETING OF THE (HARROGATE) WATERS. | A Tribute from One who has tried them. Arrn—Moorr’s “‘ Meeting of the Waters.” Tuere is not in old England a high land so sweet As that plain where the Eighty (or more) Waters meet, Oh! the last rays of feeling and life must depart, Ere the good that they did me shall fade from my heart. I went there a wreck, with my liver all wrong, And I left, in six weeks, feeling jolly and strong ; And whenever I’m chippy I mean ‘to go back To the Old Sulphur Well and the guidance of Buacx. Don’t tell me of Homburg and | patna pam The waters of Schwalbach are all very well ; But on good }.irkshire soil J salvation have found And Harrogat. suits me right down to the ground. Oh Surnessy of Knaresb’ro! there’s many a saint Whose halo seems dim and whose memory grows faint ; Who to canonisation had not as much right As you, first spring-finder, and “ eminent knight.” When you dropped—happy hour!—on that old Tewit Well— | (Led, no doubt, by the nose, for those waters will smell) — That chance treasure-trove did more good to race Than the quarry of which you were doubtless in chase. Then they cleared off the Hewra-gate forest, and found That Hygeia in Harrogate dwelt—unde und ; AnJ there the dear goddess resides to this day, Within hail of the Bog-Field, and sight of the Stray. And there the (medicinal) waters meet still ; Coming goodness knows whence, threading grit-moor and hill, And bright bubbling up thro the grey and the green In founts more health-giving old Hippocrene. There Sulphate, and Chloride, and Carbonate come, With Ferruginous friend, and Chalybeate chum, Whom a modern and myth-making Muse well might. sing As nymphs of the fountain and sprites of the spring. But chemists have killed all our poesy out, And Sodium Sulphydrate leaves fancy in doubt. One would gladly indulge dithyrambical games, Had they pleasanter odours, and prettier names. But the strong sulphur water of Harrogate—pheugh! | ! You can’t call it sweet, if you care to be true. A pint before breakfast, all hot from the spring, Does not, at the moment, tempt poets to sing. Yet Hylas—if “livery ”—surely would find These nymphs, if less sweet and seductive, more kind Than those of Ionia, who stayed the boy’s breath ; For Harrogate’s naiads give life and not death. And that’s why with lyrical fervour I greet ‘lhat sulphurous spot where the bright waters meet. And why at the “Crown” in the Maytime I'd dwell, Within easy reach of the Old Sulphur Well. Yet it is not that Nature has favoured the Stray, That niggers there sing, and that minstrels there play ; ’Tis not yon soprano so strident and shrill, Oh no—it is something more exquisite still ! Tis that Roosz, Biacx, and Sulphur, a trio most dear, Restored me to health when I felt precious queer. And I know how the best charms of Nature seem lost When my mirror reflects me a face like a ghost. Sweet region of Sulphur! How calmly I rest Since I drank of the waters which meet in thy breast. My gratitude, Harrogate, never shall cease, Since my gout seems all gone and my liver’s at peace.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 18, 1896. | OPERATIC NOTES. Aida, with the dotlets on her one “i,” failed to draw the | people away from such outside shows as Hon Pa clearing off), the te a Exhibition, ot l’on dine, the Palace Gar- dens, the terrace of the Star and Garter, Richmond, and, indeed, from any other place where one can remain out of doors on a tropical summer night and breathe as much of the balmy as is to be obtained by Londoners of moderate means and healthy aspira- tions. Verp1’s Egyptian pickle opera appropriate to season, but season not satisfactory to light tenor, very light tenor, Lucignani by name, who came out as Radames. EpwarpD DE Reszxe fine as Ramfs, or “ Rum phiz,” on account of his “ make- up.” Anoona was fiercely barbaric as Amonasro, and Signor Artmonnr, in English "Anny Munpy, a good king, which it | is ever difficult to be. Poor Macers Maorntyre, as Aida, con- | scientiously made up to represent a character in Egyptian | pottery of the A “looked the part,” that is, if Aida was | intended to look like that: but the part itself does not suit | her. Madame Manrenis came out vocally and dramatically | strong. No opera perfect without Mile. Bavermeister, and | here she is as “ Una Sacerdotessa,” probably the happy wife of some still happier Egyptian curate. ing BrviGNANI never | worked harder to achieve success, and su ed. On Tuesday, | July 14, appear again Jonnnie and Neppy pe Reszxe. Then | they ’re off, and are “ heard no more” (SaaxsPEare) this season. Sie transit. After Henley- Wett rowed from start to finish, oh, ye gallant youths of Yale! With such brave bid for victory ’tis no disgrace to fail There was a time when Britons felt hope flopping down to zero. If the winners were “ Leanders,” sure each loser was a “ Hero.” | | | | | Music natH Cuarms.—Fancy “Twenty Brass Bands,” all in full blow, competing for a prize at the Agricultural Hall. This was announced for last Saturday, and the struggle for life con- tinues till Tuesday, July 21. On avery hot day get a ticket for the windy side of London. Wueet anp Wor.—A Brooklyn inventor has patented a cycle- hearse. A PERSON WHO NEVER EARNS HIS Datty Breap.—The Loafer. HONEY-MOONINGS. Angelina. *‘AND HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING OF ME WHEN YOU WERE AWAY?” Edwin, ‘‘Y®s, DEAREST. I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU 80, ABOUT | Two 0’CLOCK YESTERDAY AFTERNOON !” | Angelina. ‘‘How sweet or you, Daruinc! Do TELL ME HOW ; ; ay em ONE WHO NATURALLY onsnors 70 Fras Brigapes.—Burns, M.P. Edwin. “WELL, MY OWN ONE, I THOUGHT HOW FOND YOU WERE or LopsteERS—AND—AND J HAD ONE!” Cry or THe Travetiine Smoxer.—En briar root! | IratiaN Pouttry.—Some of the tough bipeds imported from | King Humserr’s kingdcm to this country are believed to be the results of the lays of ancient Rome. , , “ ” » A BIRTHDAY CARD. re wipok the part, Od dons" yon Con’) OUR NO-BALL GAME! Punch to a G. E. M. of pwrest ray serene Though you “kick up before and be- ae nap thin, 0 gem #. E. M. of purest ray serene. hind,” too. Question. When is a ball not a ball P [Mr. Joseru CHAMBERLAIN was sixty on July 8.]| You’ll yet, I’ve no doubt, play with ex- Answer. When it is a “no ball” |! pa cellent art, Q. What is the narrowest possible win ? THREE score, my dear Joseru! Dear me, | Jeune Premier—when you ’ve a mind to. A. A win by a wilful “wide.” _ you don’t say! | Meanwhile, oh, you Grandest of Elderly| ©. What is the difference between the So chirpy you am ane so youthful ! en, letter and the spirit of the laws of sports- Well, Dee s “Many Happy Returns of the| yoy honour to Britain and Brummagem, | manlike cricket ? 4 . 2 “ + ’ M4 _ With heartiness earnest and truthful! my —— = eae np to cee, o: My AE co igennel is likely to be Three score! — yes we scored all the en to envious foes, you’ll become a/| popular with Light Blue Cricketers ? way, my dear boy ; G. E. M.! A. “The Wide, Wide Whirled!” | Like Graor, you’re a stunner at scor- | . What is the Light Blue version of ing. A Ie i —* , Nor Inprotasie vor Pzrsury.—A visi- | the celebrated True Blue couplet P A long not-out innings Punch hopes you ’ll tor to St. James’s Halli may safely swear A. “Let good old cricket laws and cus- enjoy d : PS toms die, (Although the Boer bowling is—bor- | that White is black. But leave us still our new no-ball- 7 ing). — You ponies a G. O. M., too, bit by me 7, yy = Member for - bit. | Berwickshire an @ Lady Inspector of| Horticuttrurat InrormaTion.—The an- Time brings the best rider a cropper. | Factories. ithesi fir-cone i ine-a May you — by your brethren be eft in | . en eee tithesis to the = is the pi pple. e pit, 1gHT Lirgraturr.—Books read in bed| Tus Go IGYPTIAN SPROULA — And never play “Joz in the Copper.” | by night. = ' Jupiter A logg 7 By

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Jury 18, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ + > veal a ss. eis = A NICE POINT. The Lady Ermyntrude. ‘‘ Wet, I CERTAINLY DO NOT INTEND TO GO ANOTHER YARD !” The Lady Dorothea. ‘‘ AND I CERTAINLY INTEND TO GO ON!” The Ladies E. and D. (together). ‘‘Wuich Do YOU INTEND TO DO, Major?” [ The Major (an accepted authority on etiquette) hasn't the faintest idea. breast ; faint smile hovering over gently | whenever Joun Mor.izy, mentioning SHABBY IN OUR “ BABBY.” closed lips. " “Lord Hartineton,” proceeded to quote (The Average Briton to Mr. Balfour.) her, Hush!” said Sark, when I nudged| from his speeches or despatches. Soon |him, pointing, as did Joun Morugy a/ his head drooped on right shoulder. Con- | venient to his elbow was division of bench between Peers’ Gallery and that set apart | for Foreign Ministers. As J. M. continued the Duke laid his head on his hand, anc Ox! Batrour, you are brave and smart (Though self-dubbed a mere babby) ; But meanness grieves the Briton’s heart, And gives the la to Lansy. | little later with more emphatic gesture, to propinquity of the Ministers. “ You know that pretty legend which explains the cause of 2 babe sometimes smiling in There ’s scarce a Briton in the land : : rca : : its sleep? ‘The angels are talking to it’ in full view of crowded House he slept ca ps ti P greneey sy ed ; they say. I think the angels are talking slept so soundly, that, unlike his colleague Of rich Butt rm debtey A bby! to Don Joss.” on Treasury Bench, he was undisturbed by : s is—shabby! Perhaps they were. All we heard was) problematical visits from the angels. If Grorciz Hamitton uplifting his voice in| on sultry July night House of Commons | denunciation of the Cabinet of 1880—85. | cared to know what the Marquis of Har- | And that, Sark admits, is quite another _TINGTON thirteen years ago said about wis- thing. dom and equity of charging on Indian re- Joun Morey, when he spoke, fitted the| venue expenses of Indian troops serving | cap on heads of Don Jose and the| abroad, they might stay awake and listen. | statesman who at the time alluded to was | As for the Duke of Devonsuire, he public- | Marquis of Hartineton, specially respon-| ly fell asleep. sible as Secretary of State for War for| Business done.—Attempt to _ relieve operations in the Soudan. Duke of | India from Soudan war charges defeated Your argument seems little worth, ’Twas thus we lost the Yankee! The policy of the chill (Lord) Norra Won’t suit our East,—no, thankee! Joun Bui ~ blundered in oe time, n greedy, gras ; But blunder Chaied tals Sige” When ’tis unjust—and shabby. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | ExTRacTtep rrom THE Diary or Tosy, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, July 6.— | | Pretty to see Don Josz on Treasury Bench | just now whilst his esteemed colleague, | | Guorere Hamiuron, was tracing all the | | sorrows of the Soudan back to action of | Cabinet in 1 . In those far-off | days our Colonial Secretary was a| leading spirit in the Cabinet of “Mr. G. A Government—so G. H. described it— | ——— ae the necessity, year 4 year, of sending large e: itions to the Soudan, leading to nothing but fitless bloodshed, involving heavy b mn alike on tian and British taxpayer. For- tunately, at this moment, Don Joss was fast jeep; arms folded over tranquil DEvonsHIRE, in accordance with his genial habit, came in too late to hear this passage. Was in his place over clock a quarter of an hour later, in time to hear ghosts of his former self summoned from vasty deep of blue books to confront his| duty tea present colleagues, and condemn their | Masesry’s in charging India with cost of | sunli troops recruited for the Soudan. No one not action looking at impassive face surveying House |from seat in gallery immediately over the clock would imagine that its owner had remotest interest in rsonage whose written words were ci and commented upon. The House, its interest quickened by presence of the Duke whilst the Mar- quis was quoted, pricked up its ears. is Grace listening for a while became unaffectedly bored. He yawned | | by majority of 85 in House of 465. Tuesday.—The Right Hon. Jemmy Low- THER can» down to-day in high spirits. Budget IL |l in Committee ; Liovp-Gronrcr had put down amendment exempting from own in any part of Her ominions. Here was a rift of t in a long sullen sky. If it was rotection it was, as oratorical Member once said, opening the door to the thin end of the wedge. Jemmy not the man to miss an opportunity. He would put his shoulder to the door and help to drive the wedge further in. It proved a night of disappointment. First of all, enough to spirit of ordinary man, Lioyrp-Gzorcz to withdraw his amendment. There, at least, Jzemmy had the whip hand, and used it.

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| 36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 18, 1896. Did Committee suppose that having pared lecture nearly an hour long, as text particular amendment on paper, that because amendment not moved his h would not be made? If he might not eliver it on amendment bei , he would set forth every word of it on motion for leave not to move amendment. In this effort grievously ham by action of kinsman in the Chair 4 was when the Lowrners all hung together—at least, as many of them as were caught by gentry in whose cattle they had taken a personal interest. Now, J. W. Lowruer, in Chair of Committee of Waysand Means, from time to time interrupted speech of J. Lowrner, standing at corner of bench below Gangway, and insisted he should confine his remarks to certain narrow line. Jumuy, in the largeness of his heart and fulness of his hnociodet wanted to range all over the tea table. J. W. said he must strictly confine his attention to his own particular cup of tea. Ribald House up- roariously laughed when from time to time the LowTuer in the chair solemnly rose and in gravest voice called to order the Lowtuer below the Gangway. Jemuy an old Parliamentary hand; knows all the ropes; intimately acquainted with procedure. Finding one hole stopped, the old fox got away in another direction. Sight of Courtnzy reminded him of Cob- den Club dinner. Cobden Club suggested Free Trade. Why not discuss speeches at Cobden Club dinner? Hardly started when Chairman up again. More hilarious laughter on benches opposite. Jemmy harked back to tea; nad searcely stirred his first cup when Chairman down on him again. By this time had nearly got through his notes ; so with indignant a i \ Tied to Tea! (Mr. J-mmy L-wth-r.) fling at rules of debate that “would not permit him to approach question fair and | square,” he finally sat down. Business done.—Budget Bill discussed. Thursday.—Budget Bill again; talk of all-night sitting, but with thermometer at 82 in shade doubt whether the thing will work. With exception of coolness sud- denly sprung up between Squrre or Mat- a 444/74 7 4 4 Tommy BOWLES THROUGHOUT THE IDENTICAL HAT, COAT, DUCKS”, Hook WOODEN-LEG, TELESCOPE , AND EYE: ParcH WORN BY THE LATE LAMENTED CAS’EN HIS CAREER. - woop and his sometimes faithful follower, Dr. Watuace, the og boy thing in view from the SpgaKER’s air is the Cap’En. He has shipped his ducks; slewed on coat of cool grey; rigged a fan frem the hal- yards of the bent spar that serves him for a right fist; whilst others fume and fret in tropical heat, he, in the very wanton- ness of luxury, pulls his trowser well up the len of his wooden leg, and smiles at the Chairman of Ways and Means. The Car’sn, whose knowledge of finance is extensive and peculiar, has taken active part in debate on Budget now drawing to its close. On Clause 16, which exempts from estate duty works of art which appear to the Treasury to be of scientific interest, he sed Committee with suggestion that aid bare weakness of clause His old comrade, who used to rank as Private Hansury, now represents Treasury in House of Commons. “Fancy,” said the Car’en, waving his hook in dangerous proximity over head of Secretary to Treasury reclining on bench below, “my hon. friend here having to decide whether or not my portrait is. of historic interest!” Committee affected to laugh, but the seriousness of the posi- tion was not te be disposed of by snigger- ing over it. Business done. — Budget Bill through Committee. House of Lords, Friday. — Deceased Wife’s Sister Bill down for third reading. (Sark says he never heard of a deceased wife’s sister named But. But they don’t know everything down in the Channel Is- lands.) House crowded in anticipation of lively debate and critical division. Bishops in abundance. The McCuiium More not been here lately. Comes down to-night, and to andible delight of bishops fulminates against proposal. An eloquent speech, but confess I never see his Grace now without thinking of what an Oban innkeeper said to me when I was last autumn in those parts waiting for the express to the South. “The Duke of Arcyiu,” he said, “is in a verra deeficult poseetion, whatever. His pride of intellect will no let him associate with men of his ain birth, and his pride of birth will no let him associate with men of his ain intellect.” *‘ Objects of National and Historic Interest !’’ (Exempt from Duty.) Covrizes.—Tifiin. Business done.—Marriage with Deceased Wife’s Sister Bill read a third time by majority of 38. ‘COMMON OR GARDEN RHYMES. FLOWER AND WEED. By my side in a shady garden bower I have all that a man can need— The last new book, and a sweet fresh flower (Which ow both “just out”), and a weed. My book lies idly upon my knee, And I hardly pretend to read, For the flower is all I care to see— Though I also love the weed. If to burn and be burnt be the heart’s de- sire Then mine is fulfilled indeed ; For the flower sets all my heart on fire, While I—set fire to the weed! And “Dick, you old chimney, that’s number three!” I hear, yet I do not heed; But I smile at the flower that smiles at me Through the smoke of the burning weed. So I while the summer hours away From all worry and trouble freed And the only boon from the Fates t pray Is—*‘ Give me flower and weed!” For it’s my belief that a garden nook— Most certain of all true creeds— Is the place where flowers their sweetest ook, And the place for burning weeds! Mousicat aND THearricat.—In playing The Liar, Mr. Bourcuier seems to have struck the right note. The Liar is to go into the evening bill, and then Mr. Bour- cuter will, we hope, “Foote it” to a pretty tune. Berore Mr. Justice Day.—Wonderful | how clear the most misty case becomes when Day-light is let in on it. Tae Constant Meat or ILI-assoRTED | ————

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juny 18, 1896. } wail! | he WF eel fa 3) In this Life’s Fitful Dream ! NATURES REVOLT. FEVER STRICKEN |! New Zealand proves it. has, in innumerable instances, PREVENTED what would otherwise have been a SER/VUS8 ILLNESS. ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ upon a disordered and feverish condition of the system is SIMPLY MARVELLOUS. CAUTION.—Ezamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO’S ‘ FRUIT SALT? Prepared only at ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ WORKS, LONDON, 8.E., by J. C. ENO’S PATENT. There is no Wealth but Life ! THE GOLDFIELDS. ‘How quickly Nature falls into Revolt when Gold. becomes her object.'—shakspeare ‘In Life’s Play the Player of the Other Side is Hidden from us. We know that his Play is always Fair, Just, and Patient, but we also know to Our Cost that he Never Overlooks a Mistake. you to find out WHY YOUR EARS ARE BOXED.’—nuXLEY **I may say that for over ten years I have used ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ pretty freely, and, under trying conditions of life and climate, have never needed any other Medicine while yours was procurable Queensland and the TERRIBLY HOT FEVER-STRICKEN GOLDFIELDS of West Australia I have put my faith solely in Old ‘ENO,’ and I am happy to say always pulled through by its help. In New Guinea A NOTED | FEVER SPOT—ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ worked marvels among & partyof gold miners of which 1 was the leader. | Evéry morning we religiously took a dose of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ and FEVER LOST ITS TERRORS. You are at liberty to make any use of this you like. Yours truly, ‘W. 8S.’ Sydney, New South Wales, Nov. 27, 1895.” UROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AMERICA, AUSTRALIA.—“ Please send me half-a-dozen bottles of ENO'S ‘FRUIT SALT.’ I have tried ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ in America, India, Egypt, and on the Continent for almost every complaint, fever included, with the most satisfactory results. I can strongly recommend it to all Travellers ; in fact, I am never without it.—Yours faithfully, AN ANGLO-INDIAN OFFICIAL.’ IMPORTANT TO TRAVELLERS AT HOME AND ABROAD. ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ should be in every bedroom and traveller’s bag (for any emergency). It forms delightful, invigorating, cooling, soothing, and healthgiving beverage. It acts as simply, yet just as power- y,on animal system as sunshine does on the vegetablé world, and removes by natural means, without e, all fostid or poisonous matter. It is impossible to overstate ite great value in Health or It’s for | . In tropical | Only Truth can give True Reputation. Only Reality can be of Real Profit. THE SECRET OF SUCCESS—STERLING HONESTY OF PURPOSE. WITHOUT IT LIFE IS A SHAM. The value of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ cannot be told. its sugcess in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, Australia, and THERE 18 NO DOUBT THAT where it has been :aken In the earliest stages of a disease, i The effect of Without it, you have been imposed on by a WORTHLESS imitation, BOTTLED AT THE SPRINGS BY J. SCHWEPPE & CO. (Ltd.). SPARKLING MALVERN. Str HENRY THOMPSON, the eminent says: -“ No purer Water exists ia any W SOURCES than that of our own Malvern Springs.” Sent, CARRIAGE PAID, to any Kailway Station direct from the Springs, if ordered through any respectable Wine Merchant, Chemist, Grocer, or the Stores, at the following cash prices :— REPUTED PINTS. . 3/6 per doz. SPLITS. - & w Exclusive of Bottles, which are charged 6d. r doz., and same allowed when returned. Supplied in Hin Cases containing 50 Pints or 72 Splits. J. SCHWEPPE & C0 (Lrp.), Head Office: 61, BERNERS ST., London, W. ‘BRILL’S vine SEA Bracing and SA LT. ~emoire- ‘“ Beautifully Cool and Sweet Smoking.” Tiida 7 Ps BULMER’S CIDER HICHLY RECOMMENDED BY THE OLD NOBILITY. Six Varieties in Bottle. Also in Small Casks. Price List and Testimcenials from H. P. BULMER & CO., HEREFORD, or through Wine Merchanta, &c. FEED YOUR CHILDRE,, at “weg ends ee + =-COAL’ = =TAR. SOAP | Os? arre OlsStases a D Ry which keep the Tobacco in Fine Smoking Condition. Sellers, Stores, &c., and take no other. The genuine bears the Trade Mark, “‘ NOTTINGHAM CASTLE,” on every Packet and Tin. D' RIDGES PATENT COOKED FOUR Sold only in l-ounce Packets and 2, 4, and 8-ounce, and i-th. Tins, Ask at all Tobacco PLAYER'S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, In Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 50, and 100,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juur 18, 1896. NO TOURIST’S OUTFIT IS COMPLETE WITHOUT VINOLIA CREAM (For Itching, Sunburn, Insect Bites.) 4s. i:d. and 1s. 9d. VINOLIA POWDER (For Redness, Roughness, Sweating Feet, Chafes, &c.) 1s. and 1s. 9d. - VINOLIA SOAP (For Delicate, Sensitive, Irritable Skins.) PREMIER, 4d.; FLORAL, 6d.; TOILET, 10d.; BALSAMIC, 8d.; VESTAL, 2s. 64. a

Page 53

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‘, ; . \ 1A <a reas ile Nag tl woh PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. Scliwrenpeil s “Sparkli in Ps Malvern” Bottled at the Springs by J. SCHWEPPE & CO. (Ltd.). Head Office: 51, Berners St., London, W

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juxy 25, 1896.

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Juty 25, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 37 | | \ Ui _Ba= = Koanli te MA MELTING MOMENTS. ( Temperature 95° in the Shade.) Friend. ‘‘How pors THIS WEATHER suIT you, OLp CHaP?” Bankrupt Proprietor. ‘‘Ou, DOWN TO THE GrounD! You sex, I’m In Ligurmartion |” —_ — | — t ROUNDABOUT READINGS. My Broruer-1n-Law. (Concluded.) Wet, there was no blinking the fact. Harry was married and loud were the lamentations and indignant the snortings of all his tribe of aunts when the news pervaded to their ears. Now at last, they declared, the boy was ruined: all his pre- vious escapa were merely the conventional sowing of wild oats, from which a youth his gi spirit and lineage — have been expected to ee. og abundant crop of success. But this marriage was too terrible. Harry might have allied him- self to rank and wealth, for a lad of his looks and family could | have aspired to any alliance outside the circle of royalty—but | a tenant farmer’s daughter! No, the boy had made himself impossible, and henceforth—so they affirmed in effect—they were | no aunts of his. Harry took the ostracism decreed against him by his aunts with perfect calmness. The old cats, he said, had never done | anything for him, and he didn’t care two wi of a sparrow’s | left eye-lid what they thought of his actions. If they didn’t | care for his missus they would just have to lump it, and after | all, she could give the whole lot of them a hundred-weight and a beating for looks and manners, and that was all he was going to trouble his head about. So Harry was codicilled out of several wills, and accepted, with his wife, an invitation from | my wife to stay with us for a week or so while they looked out | for nice cheap lodgi in a quiet part of the town, and settled | what they were to for a living. For Auice, I must say, behaved like an angel to her brother. “I will never give Harry up, no, never,” were her words. “If he were to commit a) murder I would hide him, and now that he has really done a fine action, as well as a sensible one, I mean to stand by him | him that better than a wife? more than ever. That i. will be the making of him, you'll see if I’m not right. All he wants is a feeling of responsibility, a sense that someone depends u him, and who could give : ou know how often you've said yourself that you could never have got on without me, though I’m sure I know little enough of your horrid old law- books, or your stupid cases—and I’m sure it'll be just the same with Haney, if we can only get him started. And with your influence you must be able to get him something.” Thus did the wife of my bosom address wi words to me, and hence it came that we shortly afterw received the visit of the young couple. Anp now, as Mr. Riper Hacoarp says, a strange thing happened. I must confess that I had looked forward with some a to my first meeting with Mrs. Harry, and my e—though she would have gone to the stake, or suffered her- self to be torn with red-hot pincers rather than admit it—was /not without her share of nervousness. For after all, when a young man has never in his life deviated into a wise action, one is not inclined to credit him with any special discernment in so momentous a matter as the choice of a wife. And somehow or other, the idea associated in my mind with a farmer’s daughter was of a clumsy, heavy, buxom, blooming, and not too refined girl. But the reality was totally different. In place of the common unpleasing vision we had conjured up we saw a modest, charming, and extremely pretty girl, dressed simply, but with ema taste, and of a style of address and manners that would have fitted her to take her place in any society. After she had been with us for half an hour I was won over to her side for good and all, and my wife, as she embraced her for about the eighth time, cast a trium hant look at me, as much as to say, “didn’t I tell you so all along, and will you ever dare to doubt my foresight in, and aren’t you really rather foolish ever to have thought zr would be anything but delightful ? ” As for Harry, he was fonder of his wife and prouder of his own cleverness in having captured her than I could have con- ceived it possible for so giddy and thoughtless a young man. “Look here, old man,” * said to me, with considerable solemnity, “of course I know I’ve played the fool all my life, but that’s over now. I’m going to buckle to like beans, you see if I don’t. Something musi turn up, and whatever it is I’ll take it, and Esrner will help me, bless her heart, right through. You don’t know what ideas that girl has got, she’s full of ’em. Why, I’m a baby to her.” Never was praise better deserved, for certainly EstHer was as ical as she was pretty and fascinating, and her quiet influence began to have an ex- traordinary effect on Harry in curbing his extravagances, and reducing his ideas to the level of his means. I aM sorry to have to end this little story in a happ but truth compels. The secretaryship of Buce: fell vacant about this time, and the Committee that great institution were inundated with applications for the post. It had been my good fortune on one occasion to be able to render a considerable service to the Bucephalus, and for some years I had had a place on the Committee. I took up Harry as my candidate, worked for him, can for him, wrote letters on his behalf, and, in the result, secured his triumphant election. The defeated minority hinted darkly at a job, but Harry has justified me and his other supporters. No better club secretary exists. He is punctual, courteous, and a model of secretarial industry, and, further than that, I don’t suppose there is a happier couple in London than Harry and Estnen. Their wants are moderate and their means are sufficient. I do not wish it to be inferred that I recommend everybody to get a seemingly ne’er-do-well brother-in-law married to the daughter of a tenant-farmer. All I can say, that in this particular case the experiment has been an unqualified success, and must for ever stand to the credit of womankind. way— us Club Tritsy’s poor tootsies have ceased to run on the boards of the Haymarket, but she now reappears in a West Australian mining venture, not in company with Svengali, but united to Little Billee. The Mining Co. is known as “The Ivanhoe Consols Amalgamated, Trilby, and Little Billee,” so that O my eye Trilby is in excellent re | with THacxeray’s Little Billee and Scorr’s O-my-I-vanhoe. If “Our Trilby,” or rather “Trilby Mine” has the success of the book, the speculstors will be fortunate. VOL. CXI.

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Ti = | it \ \ ST th i —S= a, Masi a Unidtees * _—— ~~ = . —= N's — SS \Z \ NS ——za | | il TOO MUCH FOR HIM sg H-re-rt (the rival Strong Man, to Arth-r B-lf-r, the Giant). “‘ WHat ! CALL YOURSELF A GIANT, AND NOT LIFT THAT LITTLE LOT !

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ee | Jury 25, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39 ly, FA Wi, ay L he Mh pate is : pe pe "i ong, A 7L2 : til iy We Wine Rates ~~ A en ca ee = te Za, wr’ _ Map ; Kees Hal «Mega, hs he enonbendy UNCOMFORTABLE. AWKWARD POSITION OF Mr. NEWFANGLE, WHO, WHEN HALF-WAY UP A STEEP HILL, DISCOVERS BY THE SUDDEN RETROGRADE MOVEMENT OF THE AUTOCAR THAT THE MOTOR HAS BECOME EXHAUSTED. MR. PUNCH AT A GARDEN Ah !—the plumes! There comes a thought Think of all | te yee and pain of the birds with grave melancholy frau in myri PARTY. Which o’erglooms Near their nests, A Plea for the Birds to the Women of England| All the gladness of the time. Can a cold,| Just to make your head look smart, at on the Princess Maud’s Wedding Day. inhuman crime the cost of your kind heart. . Throw its shade Love’s behests An Eden @ la mode! Nature’s charms| (’er a scene so bright as this? It is like | Scarce should want such seconding. Let and Fashion’s code a caer hiss the egret be a thing Sweetly blent ! rom a glade Never worn Manners “smart” and pretty frocks. Flower-decked and softly fair. O’er that| O’er an English maiden’s tresses! That’s Sure there’s nothing here that shocks young girls golden hair a vow which, while it blesses Calm content. Float the sprays You, will crown our dear Princess's Beauteous women and brave men! It| From a slaughtered egret torn! Fashion | Marriage-morn ! would tax a “poy pen rules the Tn Ae worn. ra e—obeys |! , Culture and chi ons fine under summer’s | Yes, despite the sweet princess—whom to- A Constant Reader’s Question. hyaline day we toast and bless Sin,—All over the country us I go Gathered gay. On her bridal,— along the lines, and ever reading between Yon’s a popular princess, in a most deli-| There they wave. And can it be Nature’s them, I see “Somebody’s Little Liver cious dress, protest, rr tal 1 | Fills advertised everywhere on boards Smiling ill fall idle? displayed in various fresh fields and pas- And the da ters of the land, gentle,| Punch would Sakae | in your ears, stately | tures new. Are these places “the Con- gracious, yet tn bland, dames “J a a gested Lager pow if. A now pee : ng es om he loves,— attention our legislators nd is this And the dresses, ah! the ‘dresses! Man| That from forth Mavp’s marriage-morn | the Parliamentary method of dealing with his impotence confesses egret plumes should be foresworn. them ? ours, Viator. At their sight. Dainty doves, 3 i Man may epics pen, or plays, but the Darlings, to deck whose forms nesting Te Geen on amen Bocres.—Mr, Mee- —_ inbow-bright, birds in ——- leak pier thinks, he says, of going out with His descriptive power transcends. What | Use your own brown tender eyes. Heed Gaze's special cruise to see the collapse of + t a charm Bethe scone! lends not Fashion’s selfish lies. ugust. a hi To scene | Rather heed Modish music is the sound of soft raiment | Punch and kind Sir Wuiiam Fiower!| At Bistey.—During mam past fortnight round Gentle heart is dearest dower our rifle rangers have been Bis’ley en- "Midst the ee. For a maid. Of the leafy sum and the| How the birds your vow will bless! RRS summer-toented fc flowers. Never mind the claims of dress, Sourm Arrican Gop ComPantes. —The And the plumes |— Or harsh trade, Real “ Mining-gain Troupe.”

Page 58

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 25, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunesno Jappersex, B.A.) No. XVIII. Mr. Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses. Since shaking the dust off my feet at Porticobello House, I have not succeeded to pluck the courage for a personal interview with Miss Jzsstmina, and my correspondence, duly forwarded per Mr. Broonons Latt JaLtpanysnoy, of Highbury, has con- sisted mainly of abject excuses for non-atte ce on plea of over-study for Bar Exam, and total incapacity to journey due to excessive disorderliness in stomach department. Jk Plois j ** Ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye.’’, This, unhappily, at length inspired her with the harrowing dread that I was on the point of being launched into the throes of eternity, if not already as dead as Death’s door-nail, and so, with feminine want of reflection, she performed a hurried pil- grimage to Highbury. Now, whether on account of the beetleheadedness of a domestic, or Baboo JaLPANYBHOY’s incompetency in the art of equivocation, I am not to say—but the sequel of her inquiries was the unshakable conviction that I had not struck root in the habitation from which my letters were ostensibly addressed. And in a subsequently forwarded letter she did reproach me pathetically with my duplicity, and accused me of being a fickle —by which I was so unspeakably cut up that I abstained from the condescension of a rejoinder. Next I became the involuntary recipient of another letter in more intemperate style, menacing me that with a hook or a | crook, she would dislodge me from the loophole in which I was snugly established, and that several able-bodied boarders were the hue of a full cry in pursuit. | Since Hereford Road is in dangerous proximity to Ladbroke Grove, I was sitting tight in my apartments on receipt of this | grave intelligence, with funk in my heart, and the Unknown Eovestan above me, when my young friend Howarp ALLBUTT- | Innerr, Esq., arrived with his bicycle, like a god on a machine, and, perceiving the viridity of my countenance, inquired sym- pathetically what was up. At first, being mindful of the excessive liveliness with which he had bantered my residence in a boarding-house of such | mediocre pretensions, I was naturally disinclined to reveal that I was in the plight of troth with the proprietress’s daughter ; | but eventually I overcame my coyness, and uncovered the pretty kettle of fish of my infandum dolorem, and my ardent longing to hit upon some plan to extricate myself from the suffocating coils of such a Laocoon. “My dear old chap,” he said, kindly, after I had unfolded the last link of my tale of woe, “I will put you up in a dodge that will perform the trick. Don’t see the young woman, or she will get round you with half a jiffy. Write to her that you are not worthy of a rap, and no more a Prince than I am!” Hearing his last words, I started, and did, like the ghost of Hamlet Senior, “jump at this dead hour,” being convinced that young Howarp had found out (perhaps from Hon’ble CuMMERBUND) that my title was a bogus, and anticipating that, if he divulged the skeleton of my bare cupboard to his ‘highly genteel parents, I should infallibly experience the crushing mortification of a chuck out. However, I hid the fox that was nibbling my vitals by in- quiring, in a rather natural accent, what he meant by such a suggestion. “ Are you such an innocent, simple old Johnny, Prince?” he said, with epee Soaloes “as not to catch the idea. Do you not know that European feminines in all ranks of society— alack, even in our own !—are immoderately attracted by anyone of riches and a title—or of either of the two? As an au fait in the female temperament, I shall wager that it is nine out of ten that if you spoof this mercenary young minx into believing that you are merely a native impecunious nonentity, and not to be shot at with powder, she will instantaneously drop pursuing such a hot potato.” To this speech (reported verbatim to best of my ability) I did shake my head sorrowfully, and reply that I greatly feared that Jessrmina’s devotion to this eee self was too severe to be diverted, or even checked, like a cow that is infuriated cr non compos mentis, by the mere relinquishment of such tinsel and gewgaw wraps as a title or worldly belongings, a fre- quently (and that, too, prior to our en wow pro her preference for very dark-complexioned individuals, and her vehement curiosity to behold India. But he, as he ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye, repeated that I might try it on at all events. Still, I could not induce myself to adopt his spoofish strategy, for I reflected that, though it might convince her that I was unmarriageable, it would only imcrease her fury and the vengeance of her champion boarders. So at length I composed a moving epistle, as follows : — INCOMPARABLE—THOUGH LACKADAISY! INACCESSIBLE—JESSIMINA ! Poet Suaxspzare has shrewdly observed that “a true lover never did run a straight course,” and the sincerity of present writer’s affection is incontestably proved by his apparent crooked- ness of running, and keeping dark outside the illuminating rays of thy moon-like countenance. The cause is the unforeseen cataclysm of a decree from my family astrologer or dowyboghec, whom I have anxiously consulted upon our joint matrimonial rospects. [Mem. to tHe Reapers.—This was what young OWARD would term “the bit of spoof.” I am no ninnyhammer to consult an exploded astrologer!] Miserabile dictu! the venerable and senile pundit reports that such an alliance would infallibly plunge us into the = of troubles, since the sign of your sak sama is the meek and innocent Lamb—while mine is the more ferocious Lion! A very slight familiartity with Natural History, &c., will show you the utter incompatibility of temper between such an un- congenial couple of animals, and the correctness of said astrolo- rs prediction that it must infallibly be the Lamb who would - whiphanded in the unequal conflict. In consequence, though I am beating the floor with my head as I write, and moistening the carpet with the copiousness of my lachrymations, I must bid you the final and irrevocable adieu and au revoir, since I am unwilling to act as a selfish. Think of me as “a prince out of thy star,” to quote the reference of Suaxsrzare’s character, Polonius, to Hamlet, under pre- cisely similar circumstances. You will please forget me instanter, and accept this as my last solemn so-long, which I utter on the threshold of preparation for the stern and ordeal of Bar Exam. In frantic haste, Your ever faithful and broken-hearted Bahoo, P.S.—No answer required. ? But after an interval of a very few posts, in spite of my strict injunctions to contrary, I got the answer that she was deeply touched by my self-sacrifice, and had never loved me more. Having been brought up im a Christian disbelief of all astro- nomy, she was not in fear of my “ a or 9 pative bogies, and nothing should part us, if could help it. Hurry.

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Juty 25, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 41 She added, that I had been seen about Westbourne Grove recently. On receipt of this ing and beautiful communication I was again in the stampede of panic, and realised that I must have immediate resort to some description of “Spoof.” It is calamitous that I cannot find a card up my sleeve with the single exception of my young friend’s Howarn’s dodge, which I fear will prove too filamentous. However, a faint heart never got rid of a fair lady ! PEN AND PATTER IN THE WORLD OF SPORT. [We suspect that this article must have been intended for one of our sporting contemporaries. But, as it came to this Office, we have seized the opportunity of adorning our columns with it.— Ep. } I’raitH the elements were not of the most favourable sort at the late Henley Regatta. Sunshine there was, but Rude Boreas blew with blustering force, Fav’ring the Bucks side of the course. Thus the poet hath it in memorable words. But the stalwart sons of England blenched not. When was a gallant “ wet-bob” known to quail in face of odds? Let the “ faddists” and “ spoil- sports” take heed to the lesson conveyed by the glorious race between the lads from New College, who in the Oxford “ Mays” had secured the proud position of “dux” of the eight-oared races, and the “ brilliants” of the famous Leander Club. “Twas in sooth a battle of giants when Stantes in puppibus altis the coxswains swayed the yoke-lines of their frail galleys, and urged their crews to renewed efforts: As the witty French marquis put it on a celebrated occasion, “rien succéde comme le succes,” and no saying of greater aptness can be drawn from the “arcana” of “res geste.” My congratulations go to the “ Novi- collegians” not less than to the tried and trusted representa- tives of the “premier” Metropolitan Boat Club on a splendid race. But “revenons & nos moutons.” Egad the “ mer gg wielders of the willow go from strength to strength. ’Tis not easy to see why foolish carpers should ever have set them down as an aggregation lacking in any of the necessary merits of a ificent team of first-class “dry-bobs.” ’Twill be remembered, that from the beginning I never held with such, but cautioned our cricketers against the national vice of under-estimating the market value of their doughty antagonists from the “under-world.” Still, with our veteran champion and such “sports” as the dusky little Prince “Ransre,” we can “take up arms against a sea of troubles,” and by giving them the necessary opposition, bring them without difficulty to a satisfactory termination. So mote it be. And here a whisper in your ears, good Sirs. Whatever may betide, play the game as ’twas handed down to us by our sires. Of many other notable events I must speak anon. Vieux Biev. “FIFTY LITTLE DOCTOR BOYS.” [= a | young doctors have started work in the tenement-house district of New York, under direction of the Board of Health. They are part of the usual summer corps of physicians who are instructed to look out for violations of the sanitary live. Swniag Paper.) Yournrut New York medicos, zealous, smart, and fifty, Told the slum folk how they could be good, and clean, and thrifty. Several street larrikins ay FP meee ey being naughty— Hurled some half-bricks jovially—and then there were forty. Other aborigines resented being called dirty— Rolled the doctors in the mud—and then there were thirty. To each Sawbones quoth his friend—“ Mind, festina lente! ’ But a whiff of lively germs reduced their ranks to twenty. Twenty leeches with their lancets bled some Irishmen Coming straight from Tammany—and then there were ten. For their fees—in gold—the ten did their patrons dun; The Silverites got hold of them—and then there was none! Latest From St. SrepHen’s.—Welsh music on the Terrace in summer will be succeeded by Welsh rabbits in winter, and possibly poached eggs for the Anti-Game Laws M.P.’s. em 5: lip ine iy A pr. \\ “"'TWAS WHISPERED IN HEAVEN.” (Hottest Day, Tuesday, July 14.) First Swell (languidly). ‘‘How are you?” Second Swell (still more langwidly). “'Or! vx'y ‘or! Too Great TROUBLE TO ASPIRATE!” A CASE FOR SIR JOHN LUBBOCK. Dear Mr. Puncu,—I know that you have a tender heart, and therefore I implore you to bring my sad complaint to the notice of the public, who, I believe, buy your paper. I don’t always, for I read your charming effusions at the most convenient Free Library. But the Free Libraries are of no use to me in my distress, which is, that last Wednesday evening I arrived at Richmond (in Surrey, not Yorkshire) and wanted to buy some comestibles for dinner, but, alas! was unable to do so owing to an early closing movement, of which I was quite unaware, as I had just come from Harlesden, where the same idea prevails on Thursday. To-morrow (Friday) I am going to Staines, and possibly this day may be selected by the inhabitants for their weekly junketings. I ft cannot object to the young men and women, who so courteously attend to our wants, appropriating every sixth day as well as Sunday for their amusement, but I do their em- loyers round about London to fix on the same date for this re- Exstion. Then, again, I notice that the butchers—always so rodigal of fat and bone—have opporentty formed an tion or putting up their shutters on Mondays. Is this because New Zealand lamb and mutton are not delivered on Sunday? I have no wish to offend the susceptibilities of these gentlemen, or, indeed, of any other traders, but a little time-table of their various movements would be so convenient to Your faithful servant, Marrua MacKirriz. (A housekeeper of fifty and three years’ service.) A sturixz Domestic Question RAsiLY answerep.—Q. “ What's to be done with our flies?” A. “Catch ’em alive, oh.” N.B.—Some flies turn out to be “ lers” when captured, but always eventually succumb to the attentions of the Stick’it Minister.

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[Jun 25, 1896.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ¢ ° BZ sep hy ee. Wh | ia ATi gv} “4 ,- 4 1f) 4 oe | \

,% te — 4\) we a. te 4 “ae ej ed Ly < P ‘ “yn ts. iL “i Ae’ Wi * i ‘M Me SVs 0 "i Wo Wyn he, “TRAIN UP YOUR PARENTS THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO.” “ “You KNOW PAPA HAS BEEN ASKED TO PLAY IN THE ‘ FATHERS AGAINST THE Boys Marton?” ** Ves, Moruer. But I nope THe Boys WILL WIN THIS YEAR. IF THE FATHERS WIN AGAIN THEY LL BE 80 BEASTLY Cocky !”

OPERATIC NOTES. Mr. Punch’s hints on floral offerings, for : : a small o ole bouquet was Massenet’s Manon in French, and the also handed up. M. ALvanez is always thermometer down to . an low an artist, but although Des Grieur will degree, filled Covent G m on fhurs- not be one of his very best parts, it was day night with a right royal crowd. Ma- a fine performance. P.iancon was im- dame Meisa was the most fascinating of pressive in his masterly way as the usual Manons. Her exquisite voice was heard| mournfully moral operatic father. M. to perfection in the beautiful music. A| Auumrs was a little stiff for an insou- monster basket of flowers was presented | ciant Lescant, but he well. M. Gr- as a tribute to her charms. Then it) BERT was amusing as Guyillot, a regular seemed as though some one had taken robust, gay dog. And of course the beaming BavegrMemstTsR was charming. For the rest, the energetic Mancrnex11, hard at it as usual, pt his orchestra splendidly together. No doubt the y to the question, “ Was a success scored Manon?” would be (in excellent French), “ Mais, oui.” But to give point to the answer, the opera would have to be pronounced “May non,” in spite of its introduction in July.

SPORTIVE SONGS. An Op Smoker SOLILOQUISES. I sir surrounded in my den By tokens of the Now and Then. They tell of days when baccy jars Were meet companions of cigars; When cigarettes were voted trash Not worthy of cremation’s ash ; When meerchaum’s coloured face evoked A certain draw for him, who smoked ; When Latakia’s fra; t bloom Would mix with bird’s eye’s rough per- fume. Here is the t jewelled pipe Whose stem exhales the “cherry ripe,” Whose amber mouth-piece back to me Brings kisses of a Northern She! And here the merry black dhudeen— (Yes! then I loved ou, dark colleen !)— And there that hookah 8 fatal coil Reminds me how my blood would boil | To see you flirt! at futile trouble, | You were not worth the hubble-bubble! | In fair Bordeaux you worked that case | With silken cord and golden lace, A kind of net that held me, dear, | For just a quarter of a year. "Twas something like that velvet bag | That ’s filled with cavendish and shag. | I valued it all gifts above, | And knew in smoke it told of love,

An emblem of the purest heart— Che bill came in. I had to part! | Just underneath those Afghan spears | There hangs a case of “Cavaliers,” Poor little things of common clay, But records of a splendid day. My ancestor—God! save his name, Unknown to proud historic fame !— Was with bis fellows smoking those When burst on them a troop of foes! The Roundheads called the fray a fight, But every slaughtered loyal wight Had died face-front—his pipe alight! | Away with memories of the past! | I sat not down to blow this blast, But rather to bring present things In touch with Nicotinian rings. You—(not the “ you” of other days)— Have often hade me mend my ways. Well, this I am prepared to do, Provided that the mender’s you. My “Reina,” will you deign to grace A “weed” grown at speseallial pace ?

A Cuanoe or Sipes.—Mr. Bzrersoum Tree last Wednesday spoke his farewell in his old theatre the Haymarket, and in the course of next year will reappear on t’other side of the road, where once stood Her Majesty’s Opera House. We trust this is a step in the right direction. At all events it is the transplanting of a pop’lar Tree. Floreat!

Wry is a miser necessarily an offensive | personage? Because he is too near to be | pleasant.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jvty 25, 1896. “THE BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM!” Mr. Punch (drinking to the Princess Maud of Wales and Prince Charles of Denmark, quotes from the immortal Bard)— ‘AND IN THE CUP AN UNION SHALL HE THROW.” * * * * * * ‘IMPORTING DENMARK’S HEALTH, AND ENGLAND'S TOO!”

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Jury 25, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 45 LE MONDE OU L’ON S’AMUSE. She. ‘‘I WANT YOU TO COME AND DINE WITH ME, BUT I SUPPOSE YOU ARE SO MUCH ENGAGED JU8sT Now. How MANY DEEP?” He. ‘“‘I REALLY DON’T KNOW. SUFFICIENT FOR THE DAY IS THE EVIL THEREOF.” | THE POLITE PILFERER. (‘‘ The brigands were pee and almost gentlemanly. Their chief was well educated.”"— Evening Paper.] My very pear Sir,—I hope you will not be surprised at receiving a letter to which so suggestive a signature as the one I have adopted is attached. I would respectfully remind you that in your youth you were a member of the profession to which I have the honour to belong. I think I may safely say we both were ornaments to our ing. You represented the old school with your bdten and fun, w: I suggest the new with my skeleton keys and courtliness. _I write to you to pro} that the com nity should take a leaf from the note-boo leagues, and imitate them in politeness. will assume that a successor to Cuaupe Duvar (a most charming person, but, unfortunately, of French origin) wishes to enter a house with a view to replenishing his empty coffers in the customary fashion. With a proper regard to avoiding giving unnecessary trouble to the servants, he the front door without either ringing the bell or knocking. Of course, as his visit will be paid at night, when the household will be asleep, if he can come and go without attracting attention, so much the better. But id he be so unfortunate as to dis- turb the master of the mansion, then he should show. that he was capable of being as considerate as businesslike. “Pray do not be alarmed,” he would reply, in answer to a questien relative to his business to he present; “I will not stay ions of our frater- of our foreign col- more than a few moments. I want the jewellery and the plate, and any cash that may be lying about. If you kindly give me your keys, I think the incident will pass off quite pleasantly.” If the master of the mansion is unreasonable, and threatens an alarm, then the visitor would have to adopt a sterner tone. | “Pardon me, but I think it only right to warn you that I | carry a revolver. I would most reluctantly put you to personal inconvenience, but if you force me to shoot you I must.” Then while the visitor was i safes and emptying the cash-box he might carry on an interesting conversation with the master of the mansion, discussing the rise and fall of shares, were his involuntary host a stock-broker, or ecclesiastical archi- tect if he happened to be a bishop. “ And now I think I will look into the library,” the visitor would say, “and pray let me know if there are any volumes— such as school prizes and the like—that you would wish me to exempt from my seizure. Believe me, I am not grasping, and —~ the claims of sentiment.” us, what is coarsely called “house-breaking,” might be | — into a really inoffensive, if not absolutely pleasant, occu- pation. And now I have to ask your to allow me to conceal my , as I have no wish to give unnecessary trouble to the authorities of New Scotland Yard. Secondly, I would apologise for withholding my name—as again I have no desire to put the police on the alert. You will allow, however, that the nom de guerre I append, if imaginary, is, at any rate, refined and an ours faithfully, ILLIAM CHESTERFIELD DE Sykzs. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Ir is sad to think that Weir of Hermiston (Cuatro anp Winpvus) should be added to the list of works which, like Edwin Drood, and the unfinished window in Aladdin’s Tower, unfinished must remain. of the moment at which he should lay down his pen, he could scarcely have bettered that to which the finger of confesses in various letters, he held this | Fate pointed. As he last book to be his best. It is not seemly to dispute with the dead, and the legacy is rich enough to gratify any taste. In the editorial note (a difficult piece of work admirably done) Mr. Sypngy Cotvite sketches, upon the authority of the novelist, the course he had intended the story should run. It is a power- If Srevenson had made choice | n twice. I will beg of you | ful plot, though my Baronite thinks the conclusion of Archie and | Kirstie marrying after all, and going off to America, common- place to the point of anti-climax. Had he lived, Stevenson | would doubtless have devised something better than that. Tue Baron. AFTER A HUNDRED YEARS. (A Story of the last American Invasion.) Rip woke up with a start. He looked around him, and found a solitary individual watching him. “ Where am 1?” was his natural question after his long rest. “The same old place,” was the quiet reply. “Dear me!” said Rip. “It seems to me, stranger, that you speak the American language with a very English accent.” “ Because I happen to be an ishman.” Then Rip asked after a number of his old friends. He was fairly intelligent, and allowed for a generation or two, and took an interest in their descendants “Some of them been to Henley!” he exclaimed. to London! How’s that?” Then the Englishman informed him that the Ancient and Hon- ourable Artillery Company of Boston had joined their comrades, the Honourable Artillery Company of London, and that the Yale Boys had been on the of Thames “Then,” concluded the Britisher, “there’s an “ And others American | sehool-boy cricketing eleven playing a series of matches against | European side of the Atlantic.” their cousins on the “We all seem to be going “Well, to be sure!” cried Rip. back to the old country.” “Yes,” acquiesced the stranger. of Americans in Great Britain just now.” “Well, I shall go myself,” said Rir. “Come with me.” “ Well, thanks, no,” answered the Englishman. “There are a tidy number “ As all your | aa have left your country uncared for, I may just as well | ee ” p an eye on it until they come back i “That ’s what I call neighbourly,” ettol Tee. And so they parted.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Juny 25, 1896. | ON

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c— | | | humour. | debate. Comes in “only as a Uitlander,” _ as he said, the other night. Jury 25, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Exrracrep From THE Diary or Tosy, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, July 13.— Rather p Smee oven yust now. ings retty dull in House. Even Cawmeti- tian ll ch pant teainon tiew of Rati ill wi or glow on his best. Makes House once more regret he takes so little part in “Fatal mistake about Cawmeti- BaNNERMAN—at least, as far as House and country concerned —is,” says Sarx, “that he is too well off. If he’d been brought up on a pound a week, and had to earn whatever more was wanted, he would have been Prime Minister to-day.” That not the particular disappointment of moment. Custom long worn off its edge. It’s R. G. Wesster who has put me out. Looked forward this afternoon to cup of tea with him on Terrace, a ci- garette, and a soul-lifting conversation. But Ricnarp Grant has other fish to fry. Has for some time had the Navy in his eye; taken note of inadequacy of men to ships. “The dockyards,” as he vo pone cally puts it, “can mak’ a belted ship, a Magnificent, a Majestic, and a’ that. But they can’t make a crew.” Wandering about the wharves and docks of East St. Pancras, meditating on the reagan of Fs under t. flags tin eich “ its courts and by-ways, the distingui Member dreamed a dream. Its main feature was an apparently endless com- pany of trained blue-jackets, a hundred thousand strong at least, who, by the magic of a short service system were ready to man more ships than could be built at Chatham Dockyard, even when Cuar.iF BEREsForD was in command. At question time, to-night, R. G. asked Joxrm what he thought of it. “Tf,” answered Joxim, evidently struck by pros , “the hon. Member will draw up a scheme by which a thoroughly com- petent reserve may be provided at a very slight gee —,, | bn ang im- pairing the efficiency of the regu avy, I——shall be glad to consider it.” wd There spoke the cautious official, the prim First Lord of the Admiralty, with the 4 AS a h SS WS ‘GENTLEMEN, I AM READY TO ADMIT THAT HIS CARBER IN THE PAST HAS NOT BEEN FREE FROM BLEMISH——” ligatures of red tape drawing in his shapely waist. House laughed, but R. G. not discomfited. “T’ll do it,” he said. “As Carnor or- ganised victory for France, so shall R. G. Wesster reorganise the Navy for Great Britain. Tommy Bow.es thinks he knows a hand-saw from a marline-spike. I frankly admit I don’t. But I’ll let them see that I have in me the re-making of the British Navy. So if you’ll excuse me, dear Tony, we’ll take a cup of tea to- gether on another occasion. I would now be alone with my thoughts.” Business done.—Second reading Scotch Rating Bill. Tuesday.—In Parliamentary relations there is no circumstance under which racial pom of Irish is more tri- umphantly asserted than when a Bill is to be obstructed. They sowed the seed through ten years following 1875; but all | cannot w the flower now. The Welsh | have tried it; so have the ish. To- All by com- night the Scots are at it. parison fail. Scotch Members resolved to prevent Rating Bill passing this Session. Situa- tion complicated by circumstance that Government offer them with Bill 200,000. Thing to do is to take the bawbees and leave the Bill. Inspired by this noble aim, Scotch Members close up their ranks Bin aor —~ = a speech in his psack, at was jus what the Irish Members used to do in palmy days under Parnewt, when chuckle of Josern Git1is Biecar echoed through the Chamber. The speeches are, more- over, excellent, full of pith and nt But somehow the thing won’t work. ne last night and to-night recalls an episode in the home life of the earlier ince ARTHUR : — When Meruin sang in Antuvur’s hall A week on end, with metrical Exactness, his phenomenal Insistence did the knights appal : They yawnéd ever more and more. So with us when Scotch Member succeeds to brither Scot. Our Parnce Arruvr, out of luck of late, has had one stroke of good fortune. Thro these two nights of Seotch de- bate he has been in grip of influenza fiend. Other Members, whom fickle for- tune has overlooked, take the law into . other side, space of em \a Lord Advocate to tet what he’s about. their own hands, and stop away. The Terrace thronged; House almost empty. Lord Advocate, soothed by Rensnaw’s monologue, goes to sleep on Treasury Bench. Rather dangerous position in circumstances. His sole companion Solicitor-General for Scotland. All right if falling over in his sleep he chances to bend to the right. There Finvay’s stal- wart shoulders will obstruct his fall. On iness. But trust Taking in situation at a glance, Granam Mvrray flung right arm along Bench to right. A slight influence, but sufficient to determine side on which his still youth- ful figure, in sleep, would fall. Ruse s admirably. He bumped Solicitor-General occasionally. But House spared pain of discovering Lord Advocate, by sud lurch, prone on Treasury Bench, what time debate was going forward on a reading of many-syllabled Rating ill. Business done.—Scotch Rating Bill read second time. : Theveley—Sanean Batrour going to spend his holiday in County Clare, a por

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| to Westminster. of County Clare, | tary’s interest | It appears that through vast tracts of the

| intended to be born in | for Sark, who chances to be in ve (wisely). Ah! Well —er— (con- | mood, says the conversation, inte ted ultiag ail are steaming ten knots, | for a few minutes in a long night of} head to wind—er, on the port tack, that | wrangling, shows afresh how close are the mind, nothing has brought home more | you do? | sharply the hopeless difficulty of the Irish| 4. C. I should stop the engines. | question than this limelight view, mo-| §. KE. Yes. (Acutely.) ut suppose | mentarily cast on walls of House of Com-| the engines are unmanageable, and will mons, of the crag farms of cruel County | not stop? Clare, a district of which Cromwellian| =A. C. (hesitatingly). Oh! well, in that settlers bitterly said it had not wood | case, I ‘should of course instantly with- enough to hang a man withal, water| draw my previous order and allow them Proceedings disclosed fresh injustice to A

48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juny 25, 1896.

should withdraw “ Barassas,” which after | le he did. But the whole thing | how uneven-handed is justice in tion of Ireland always invested with pe- culiar interest for the wandering yng a stru Years Sir Pat O’Brien, now fess | showe ‘tath of | House of Commons, how there is one law | to his ers among the earlier Ireland, alluded to an hon. Member opPo- for rich England and another for poor | site as “the young sea serpent from Ireland. ’ County Clare.” Speaker objected on| Business done. — Irish votes in Com-| point of order. “Then, Sir,” said Par, | mittee. with gracious wave of his hand, “I with- draw the sea serpent.” In later Parliaments, County Clare maintains its pre-eminence of peculiarity by continuing to send Witte Repmonp To-night more is heard deepening Chief Secre- in his forthcoming visit. country is upheaved a backbone of rock on which famishing cattle graze, . which a starvin peasantry scra mere crumbs of a living. To-night in in Com- mittee on Irish Land Bill Tm Hearty

moves amendment designed to obtain for those grim wastes, locally known as crag or mountain farms, such benefits as the Bill confers. land put up to answer Tim with legally phrased non possumus. It’s all a matter of intention, he argued. If a sal ‘tees farm be let for pasture purposes facto, come within scope of the "Bill. Tf not, it is already excluded. “All a Me. ter of intention,” he repeated. “What!” cried Tim, in tone of magni- ficent scorn, going, as usual, straight to heart of matter gg trap ce during the reading of -rq-s of H-rt- " Attorney-General for Ire- the M-rq-s ngt-n’s speeches. |

SCIENCE AT SEA, [Report of higher vivd voce examination for rank of master. } Scene—Examination Room ; high, long, dirty | windows ; smell of ancient whitewash ; Ex- aminers at green-baize table consult conflict- ing notes ; solitary chair posing in centre ; pale clock ticking laboriously. Enter sud- denly astute youth, broad chest, broad face, broad boots. Examiners hastily conceal notes and reflect with much gravity. Senior Examiner (sternly, to astute th). You ae I understand, Sir, to be farther agar ’— (pom ¥) — for the higher posts of your profession! Astute Candidate (acquiring we i » 80. Committee broke into i. i ot of laughter at the quaint fancy —e this flash of humour, with its picture o' the unborn babe surveying Ireland, de- bating with itself whether it would be born in County Clare, or whether it would favour some other locality. The Member chair). is—when suddenly, as the fog lifts, you sources of tears and laughter. To his| see a large rock, nght a-head. What do enough to drown him, or earth enough to | to—er—continue to revolve! bary him. ; ‘ [Examiners smile approvingly. Business done.—In Committee on Irish S. E. Precisely. That is a clever an- Land Bill. swer. But remember you are nearing the rock; what will be the next order? 0. (wildly). Hard-a-port. S. E. Why a-port ? Second se (waking up, denly). Why not? (hurriedly, glaring at Second Friday.—Another night with Ireland. that hapless country. As Tot Hearty was discussing Education Vote his eye acci- dentally fell on figure of Corporat Han- puryY, half asleep on Treasury Bench h op- S. &. posite Occurred to him he would call| Examiner). Oh '—er—yes; hard-a-port ; him “Baranpas.” No particular reason | quite so, exactly. But your rudder, at why he should; but name came to his| this juncture, unfortunately becomes im- lips; so he out with it moveable: what then ? What does Chairman do but call him to; 4. C. Well, then—(hedging)—I should order ! _ endeavour to do my duty by acting as cir- Tim, above all things logical, poses | cumstances might dictate. Chairman with question. “The Secre-| SN. E. Bearing in mind tary for the Colonies,” he said, “was | A. C. That by every fort in my allowed to call Mr. Guapstons ‘Hop.’ | power I must endeavour to avoid the Why should [I not call Mr. Hansvury | rock. ‘Barapnas’?” S. E. Do you then consider that, under Why not? Or, to put it in another} the circumstances, there would be the way, why should he? Chairman, at loss chance of your being able to = this? for answer on same strictly logical lines, C. (decidedly): Not the slightest. sud-

S. E.,That is very.good. You seem to have entirely mastered the situation. You run, then, on ee, the rock. What will be your next duty? A. C. To clone the. water-tight doors. . EB. Why do this? To keep the water in. In? . Exactly i. “(aarcasticaliy). In what? C. (promptly): n the sea. 8S. E. at would chiefly impel you to | take this course ? A. ©. My. knowledge of physics, which | teaches me "that no body of water, how- ever large, can be in more than one place at one time. S. E. How would this knowledge influ- | ence your action ? A. ©. It would confirm me in the be- | lief that if the water were kept in the sea it — not at the same time be in | the shi Ss. B.A water-tight door, then, is | never pees as having kept water out? A. Never among seamen. 8. £ And the mene that water-tight doors are useful for i water out —_ be re ee as pha mw ntirel ¢ e Ah! that is very satisfactory. (Pause.) Well, now, Sir, suppose you .are in a sailing vessel that will neither wear nur stay, on a lee-shore in a gale of wind. What would you do? A. ©. Let go an anchor. S. E. But your cable parts ; you do then? A. C. Let go another anchor. S. E. But the bottom is rocky, and you find no holding ground; what then? A. C. (rising slowly from his chair). I should then endeavour to compose my- self to sleep. S. E. (hard on scent, and not noticing movement). But, owing to the noise occa- sioned by the storm and the excessive motion of the vessel, you find that you cannot sleep. What would you do? A. C. (desperately, and backing out of room). Sing a little ymn. S. E. But, my dear young Sir, your anguish of mind is such that you cannot even remember a little hymn. What would you do then? A. C. (disappearing through door). Let her go ashore and be d——d. S. EB. But suppose—— ’M, thank you. That is very satisfactory indeed. [Scene closes. Mem.—Full marks. what would

“A Boon AnD A Biessine.”—It is well known to all readers of Dickens that “ Todgers’s could do it when it liked,” and so can the L. C D. line when it is really in earnest about whisking the jaded Londoner down to Ramsgate, dropping passengers at important inte iate stations, as it now does by starting from Holborn at 5. 10, St. Pauil’s at 5.12, and

reaching the breezy coast at the sensible | hour of 7.5, punctually, giving landsman | and yachtsman ample time for a stroll before dinner at 8. This is doing us all a | good “Service,” and one whi should | bring in “L. S. D.” to the “L. C. & D.” Musica AND PrriosopuicaL. — Among the first pieces played’ by the Austro- | Hungarian Orchestra was SmMETANa’s a Kuss (The Kiss). It needs no German to tell us that “the kiss” is not infrequently kuss.” looked ‘back upon as “the

took pobagp in authority. Insisted Tim

EN eee "> |

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= PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juxy 25, 1896. a a on — — MARTELL THREE STAR CHAMPAGNE. EERINGS wena MEDAL CopENHAGEN (FERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur. ABSINTHE. PERNOD FILS. APPETISING. REFRESHING. STIMULATINC. At all Bars, Hotels, and Wine Merchants. ASK FOR PERNOD FILS ABSINTHE. THE BEST BRAND. ESTABLisueD 1805. é& FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S ‘WORLD-FARED BLOOD MIXTURE Is warranted a gw ort blood from all impuri from — a = ae For Serofthe Gow Skin and nag ot Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- |vellous. It is the only real ifie for | Gout and Rheu Pains, for it removes | the bones. blood and | Thousands of erful cures have been — so In bottles, 2s. 9d. and 11s. each, of Chemixts everywhere. BEWARE GF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. Zr RLTON This Grand Old Whisk of the most famous _- Sample bottle post free RICHD. MATE ‘ THE “THREE CASTLES” TOBAGCO, FOR COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, dc., DRINK VICHY CELES TINS sig Sold by all Chemists, Druggiste, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. Sole Importers: INGRAM & ROYLE, 52, FARRINGDON STREET, LONDON, E.C. A REAL SEA BATH in your = om ([TIDMAN'S SEA SALT, PATRONIBED ey tree ROYAL FAMILY. BEST REMEDY for RHEUMATISM, WEAKNESS, TENDER FEET, &c. FINEST STRENGTHENER and TONIC for All, Young and Old, AY be at any AGREEABLE PERATUR av j urious Substi- utes ask for TEDMAM*S BEA SALT 9 TIDMAN'S PURE TOILET In TABLETS ONLY, GUARANTEED ALL PURE 80 Pay ey =p . The only Brace for Hot Weather. May be gy Used by ro Most Delicate are SHAVING, for the ote! one Organ pam SacamO” A, and is an RUPTI of the all Hosters re, or SKIN veaheeer 4° catal Order Tor ne Philip Lane, London, E £10 REWA RI D. Buyers demanding Acarics, and peving other Braces not —~ F- the trade mark off Acarics, are with ahove address. FLOR DE DINDICUL -.F".5; throughout the United Kingdom, and in almost every district where there is a respectable tobacco- nist. Their fame is so wieegeese ay | are obtain- able also in the U F of 8 Australia, &c., &c. ; they a. ‘see on thets way to the North Pole, as the Jackson-Harmew: Podition ing in ‘a stock of this renow of adian Ci and testify to their ex: de Dindigul Cigars have been awarded two Byes Sone, and are ») very poy? ere eac On a sanset cy * car w Limited, ~~ Strand, w rill "be i to ps TI de: name ihe nearest |: or to send five complies. a free zeae CIGARS. “THREE CASTLES ” CIGARETTES. Mild and Fragrant. Manufactured from the Finest Selected Growths of Virginis. To avoid Inferior Imitations ask for TIDMAN’S TOILET SOAP. AR rae eee MILD AND FINE CUT (Green Label), specially adapted for Cigarettes. WEDIUM STRENGTH AND COARSE CUT Yellow Label), vizongly recommended for Pipe Sewbing. | Both kinds are sold in 1-0. and 2-02, Square Packets, and }-th. Patent Air-Tight Tine, * all 'e Fle sy “ One, Sor» ee Ea, 2Vep Yw "nn, Hote _ caterers in the United Kingdom. “ Superior Vintage Wines of Italy.” LONDON E.C. a G01 MEDAL, PARI EXHIBITION, ins PRIZE MEDAL, DUNIAN EXHINITION, |e KINAHAN'S LL AND GLENISLE The Cream of The Finest Old inlets Whiskies. Geotch Whisky Sold. WHISKIES. GUILDFORD STREET, YORK KOAD, — 6.R. ALWAYS ORDER. SURO Ly, REAL MALVERN “~~ — x f pty ie be est nthe he Weel he Springs, MALVERN. W.D. & H. O. WILLS, Limited, BRISTOL and LONDON. REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND Black Handle, bs. 64. Ivory Hendie, Ts. 64. A Palr Ivory Handles, in Russia leather case, Zis. From all Perfumers and Dealers. Whoicsale: Osnonnr, Gannert, & Cx EPPS'S: CRATEFUL—COMFORTING . Landa “ ‘ PFS ri N fd hod Sac “WHISKY & DARLINGTON

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juxy 25, 1896. REVOLUTION IN BILLIARDS. ———= #9 OOS 0000096684600 66060060000 THE NEW PATENT “VACUUM” BILLIARD CUSHION. THE LAST WONDER OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. ABSOLUTELY THE TRUEST CUSHION EVER MADE. Lower and Faster than Ever. Never gets Hard. Requires no Pumping or Inflating. Always in Good Order. Balls do not Hang against Cushion. Billiards played on a Table fitted with this Cushion is a perfect pleasure. What Pneumatic Tyres are to a Cycle, such is the ‘Vacuum’ Cushion to a Billiard Table. SPECIAL. THIS GUSHIQN CAN BE FITTED TO ANY BILLIARD TABLE. The Patent Invisible Switchback Ball Returner, for conveying Balls to Baulk end of Table from Pockets. Invaluable for Private Houses, and does not disfigure the appearance of the Table. Returns the Ball to Player in Four Seconds after Stroke. BURROUGHES & WATTS, LIMITED. London . 19, Soho Square, W. | Manchester . !04, Deansgate. Glasgow . 42—44, Sauchiehall St. Birmingham . Broad Street. Newcastle-on-Tyne . . . . Northumberland Street. | eee he a ee f™ rps PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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LORD WARDEN, DOVER, After being remodelled and furnished is NOW OPEN as one of the most luxurious ae in Europe. Sanitation by George edidias, Lambeth. Electric light everywhere. Lifts to ail floors. Orchestra under direction of Mr. A. Seaton performs during Luncheon and Dinner Also in the New Hall facing the sea in the evening. GORDON WHOTELS LTD. (at L7y pe

a= “ Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. VOLUME >| ) - c W > Ww ia) Ww ZI 7) me | v) p a —— AUGUST 1, < ee on PV OLAIY a— PUN Cb YO. Yi \

PRICE THREE PENCE. ' i 4 Ui 1p, . Wi : ee lita. AN | NF i b , Hy an j y ) ita’ Ral nb & f, es SEY PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, m: LONDON. CADBURY'S COCOA “ Represents the Standard of highest purity at present atgeinatle in Cocoa.” —THE Lances,

Drawings. or Pictures of any description. will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception 6a” NOTICE.— Rejected Communicafons or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter

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MR. HEINEMANN’S NEW NOVELS.| By MARTIN WITHOUT SIN. 7. Parrenanp. | Vol., crown ®vo, %&. J[LLUMIN ATION. By HaRoip aepenic, Author of “In the Valley,” &e 1 Vol., crown @vo, 6s. Fifth edition. EMBARRASS MENTS. By HMewny James, Author of “ Terminations.” 1 Vol., crown Svo., 6 WORLD AND A MAN. Hy %. Z., Author of “A Drama in Dutch.” 1 Vol., crown Sv0, 6+ THE fE ELEVE! ENTH COMMAN. D- crown vo, 6s Londe on Wx HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford 8t., W.C. Miss ‘Braddon’ s Latest Novel. Cheap Edition. Cloth, a. 64. ; Boards, 2s. SONS OF FIRE. A Now et, m7, the Author of “Lady Audiey’s fecret,” “ ae. London SIMPKIN @.00., 1.04, and al) Booksellers. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1826. Accumulated Fund, 8 Millions Stg. * e REDUCED RATES. WITHOUT PROFITS. EDINBURGGEH,8S,Georgn St.(Head Office), LONDON, 83, King Willinm Btreet, B.0, 3, Pall Mall East, 8.W. DUBLIN, 66, Upper Sackville Street. Branches 4 Agencies in India & the Colonies. TAKE A HINT f S200 ith a pate with a pain scrum the ever, s sense of dulnea in the and discolored tongue, BE WARN 1 Get a bottle of— LAMPLOUGH’S PYRETIC SALINE put ful in half a tumbler of water, and drink while it effervesces. If necessary, repeat in a hours. IT WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF. Tired Feet. “<A little

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

- TRY IT IN Your BATH. CHARI VA RI. —Avaust s

SCRUBB’S reesei AMMONIA MARVELLOUS PREPARATION. Refreshin Invaluable asa Turkish Bath. r wall Toilet Pur poses. Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. Removes 8 and Grease Spots from Clothing, Etc. Restores the Colour to Carpets. Cleans 1s. Bottle for six to ten Baths. and Jewellery. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Etc SCRUBB & CO., 32b Southwark Street, 8.E. MANUFACTURERS OF ‘SCRUBB’S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP”

SOLID SILVER PLATE. The Finest Stock in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, Show Rooms: |]2, REGENT ST., W. (Apsoinine Sreacoscoric Courant.)

SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD. MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lro., AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL. And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad FLOR DE DINDIGUL =:7%.%;)__ Geemehene it the United Kingdom, an om almost every Sates whare thane tee tuapsonsste nist. by Lo eT te able also in the U8. of America, Australia. &c., &c. ; they are also on their way to the North Pole, as the Jackson-Harmsw orth ex

ty SAMUEL BROTHERS, 65 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. Ay TCO ee ee ‘ Brow (Jacket and Vest) for boy of 8 years, 19/-. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE and PATTERNS free on application,

or to send five tt for 12 stamps Registered Trade Mark. “§. MORDAN & CO.” PACKHAM’S

e\ TABLE WATERS ARE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER. Manufactory, Croydon.

A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. TAMAR INDIEN FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and Intestinal Troubles, Headache. GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, S.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s, 6d. A BOX.

| QRIENT COMPANY'S — CRUISES. — The steamship GARONNE, ye! tons rap oy ll will weg Lond on mage 28 days’ to the BALTIC, isiting COP «NH AGEN, STOCKHOLM, 8T. PETERS tie KIEL, BALTIv CANAL, and HELIGo. String band, electric t, high class cuisine Managers: F. Green & Co., Anderson, Anderson & (9 Head (ttices, Fenchurch Avenue. For ¢ apply to the latter firm, at 5, Fenchurch Avenue, | ondoa, £.U., or to the lrar rch Office, 16, Coekspar 8t., aw ORIENTAL CARPETS Sold at Wholesale Prices TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Price List. Torturing Disfiguring SKIN DISEASES Instantly Relieved by A WARM BATH with CUTICURA SOAP And a Single Applica- tion of GUTICURA The Great Skin Cure Sold throughout the world, and especially by and nye chemists in all the principal british t: Newerery Sons, |, as ard-st., Lond ag Potr = pan 56 & Cum. Con Sole Proprietors, Hoston, U.S.

cites.

“PASTEUR” (Chamberland) FI LTE R. ‘The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.”—Britisn Mepicat Jourwa:.. “A real preventative of water borne disease.’”’—Laycer. To be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers or from the Makers. J. DEFRIES & SONS, 6 147, Houwxsprrca, Loxpox, E.C. @ HAIR CSSARES AUREDLNE PER: ECTLY HARMLESS. Sold by Perfumers and Chemists. Wholesale: K. HOVENDEN & tg = all principal Patent Medicine Warehou-es, Lond"

(Facing the Mansion House.) Manufactory: THE ROYAL WORKS, NORFOLK STRE‘T, SHEFFIELD 158 to 162, OXFORD ST., W.,|_ 2, QUEEN VICTORIAST.E.C. LONDON. HICH CLASS lilustrated Price Lists Post F ree.. SHEFFIELD

———_

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ES ieved ATH ater-

Aveust 1, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49

———

L’ART D’ETRE PETIT-FILS. ‘ GRANDPA, DEAR—IF I wEeRE you Ip say ‘THAT Boy LOOKS THIN AND PALE!’ AND Ip GET HIM A Pony.’

REAL HOLIDAY THOUGHTS, In A Ramtway CARRIAGE Preposterovs of guard to put more than one person in a second-class car- riage in weather like this. Yet if I had tipped him, he would have locked it like a chot. Railway company ought to put down such bare-faced corruption. Rather wish I had tipped him, now, . Anyhow, it is consoling to think that iny Gladstone bag, on the seat beside me —and which I shall not move — makes that jackass who has just got in tho- — y uncomfortable. y moral right to turn an ordinary ecmpartment into a private saloon car- riage would be recognised by every tra- veller who was really a gentleman. ‘ Why that selfish ong-le idiot opposite me, who looks like a half-starved “scorcher,” won't keep his splay feet under his seat so as to allow me room to stretch my legs, I can’t imagine. Papers are cheap, so I shan’t offer that consumptive-looking female in the corner one of mine. She should get one for her- self. Wish I hadn’t accepted this invitation to those stupid bores, my Folkestone ceusins, for a “fortnight at the sea-side.” They ought to be jolly teful for my con nsion in visiting them. In going through that long tunnel, I of course put up my window, but people at other end left theirs open! Lazy smoke- cured pigs! 4 er movements I am positive that the lady with all the packages is going to get out at the next station. ust be

deeply occupied with a leading article, or I shall be obli to soil my hands and make myself still hotter by opening the door for her. The corner youth has brought out sand- wiches and a flask! Why can’t his master arrange to keep him at school all the holi- days—with canings twice a day? What humbug it is iving boys any holidays! Guard (the beast!) has shoved in a rank third-classer at last moment! I admire the democracy in the abstract, of course, but that does not prevent my thinking them loathsome and oy eee nuisances in the concrete. Thank heaven! He has taken his seat next to the consumptive female. not to me. (At the end.) How completely incon- siderate it was of <_ of the people who have been my travelling companions to day ever coming into existence at all!

Con. for a Cricketer. Miss Newzy sits cool in the cricketer’s And watches the game, about which, in good sooth, Her curious interest ne’er ceases. She now wants to know of the flannel- elad youth, However the wickets can well be kept smooth, When she hears they are always in creases !

Nore sy Ovr Man ovr or Town.— Watering places—resorts where the visi- | tor is pumped dry.

SPORTIVE SONGS. A han-about-Town is enthralled by a Clergy- man’s Daughter at a Country Féte. For me no damsel prone to frown On simple manners, country ways, Whose chief delight is life in Town And Bond Street goal of all her days! Whose knowledge of all sylvan scenes Is ae ae Goodwood boughs, And deems ing pleasure means To lounge upon the Lawn at Cowes. Give me the girl bred up like you, Beneath a ory’s peaceful shade, With man py known to few, The model of an English maid! Demure, not prim, beloved by all, By instinct , by nature kind, The belle of every county ball, Yet dear to every village hind! How quaint to watch your artless airs _ When circled round by ardent swains! Your modesty disarms their stares, Their compliments are empty strains |! I do not blame their boorish bliss, Tis meet that such a farce should be, Since I’ve the greatest joy in this— Your sweetest smiles are kept for me! Too well, Blue Eyes, I understand The glances from those bashful orbs. You’re treading on a sinking sand That quakes and shivers, then absorbs. Ah! little innocent, too late The truth you'll know, but never rue. I vow I cannot overrate The interest I take in you. “What Jones!” (a brutal Army thing). “So giad!” (of him I hate the sight). Yes ! come to hear Fro Fanta sing < Miss Peccadillo’s Last Good Night!’ Which P the songstress?” “There she is Not + eal Why, she’s all the rage “That lady there?” “Yes! Al biz.” ‘A parson’s daughter on the stage!”

Avis avx Voracrurs.—In anticipation of the installation of the Premier as Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports, the Hotel at Dover, named after this puissant ma- rine official, has been renovated, beauti- fied, done up entirely, and thus saved from being “done up” altogether, by the Gordon Hollanders (Limited). e Mes- sieurs Hottaxp—the amiable pair repre- senting nominally the Double Dutchmen —are now in command of the coast at Margote, Dover, and, for ought we know several other points. Of course, the chie cook in each of their seaside hotels is a Gordon Bleu.

A POSSIBLE CHANGE OF NAME. {It is stated that during Goodwood Week Chichester becomes the rendez-vous of the worst scoundrels in the kingdom. } Suame that this old cathedral town Should swarm with rogues, who come to pomes ’Twould ill become its fair renown If Chichester were dubbed Cheat- chester.

Morro vor A Fiaceiiatina Scnoor- master.— Semper hidem. A Rovat GRANT.—The Secretary of the R. Y. 8.

vol, OX". ¥

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARILI. [Aveusr 1, 1896. otis ot ; yo j —— Lt —= DrBismarck Cousnitations. 1Qam 4° ym | DOCTOR BISMARCK. The Doctor. ‘Hum! Looxs nice! Bur I’ve cor No PATIENTS Wow.” [“* Prince Brsmarcx has been made Doctor Medicine Honoris Caus& by the University of Jena.’’—Daily Papers.]

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Aveust 1, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 51 E , He ee 5° — ont al é ° \' i) it) { iy * [I 's \ volt ' OVER THE TRACES, Mrs. Pogers. ‘‘Now THEN, PETER, JUMP OUT AND PUT THAT TRACE AND REIN RIGHT ! Look sHARP, Too!” [ Peter wishes to goodness he had bought his Wife an Autocar instead of that tricky Tandem. WORK AND WAGES. (Some Thoughts on Patriotism, Poverty, and Pay, suggested by the pitiful story of Mary Ould, of Peckham.) (‘I have to buy my own material and pay my fare (2d.) in fetching and clock at mght from oar 7 | to , of | carrying back work. worked till ten o | Thursday, and at ji per coat earned 3s.”— Evidence of Mary Oul Peckham, tailoress, before Judge Emden at Lambeth County Court.) Mosr learned economists, sages serene, Who enlighten the State on Supply and Demand, Such facts form a fine object lesson, which seen, And fairly thought out, may astonish the land ; Your fine-spun abstractions a sedative prove To such as can scarce see the thing through the sign ; But flesh-and-blood facts rather roughly remove The idea that your “law” is scarce less than divine. Ninepence a dozen, three farthings per coat, For buttonhole work which may take you an hour For each garment! It fetches a lump to the throat— Unless stern-faced Science has rendered you dour. Picture the place out at Peckham where sits That poor Mary Ovu.p with her needle and thread! She must envy the fly which at liberty flits ; She must envy the darksome repose of the dead. The clothes-maker “has to cut things very fine,” And fine does he cut them in truth, and, indeed, As fine as the almost invisibie line Between death and such life as the needle-slaves lead. Conceive dull room and the piled tale of work To be drudged at all day, slowly lessening down As the morning glow fades into evening’s grey murk ; And five days of such labo half-a-crown ! And these ur may earn— are the coats worn in “ Jameson’s Raid”! Glory to-day must be gained “on the cheap.” he we fight—in the interests of trade, And trade pays its servants like this! Blood will leap To the cheek at the thought that our soldiers are clad At the cost of our white woman-slaves in such way. With patriot fervour the idle go mad, Sleek wealth does the shouting, poor toilers the pay! Short sighted sentiment vainly essays With rose-water s em | to sweeten foul lives. Life is not moulded > lyrical lays Compassion with commerce half hopelessly strives. But is there no heart in old England rebels Against starving our toilers to feed full our glory ? There ’s surely no patriot bosom but swells With anger and grief at poor Mary Ov.p’s story. PLAYING WITH COLD WATER. Dear Mr. Puncn,—May I make a suggestion? During the hot weather, why should not those of our dramatic companies still sojourning in London remove from their present quarters to the swimming baths? There would be plenty of room to rig up a stage, and the audience, appropriately garbed, might watch the performance from the tank. When a play became wearisome the spectators could take a dive, but plunges, of course, would only be allowed between the acts. Yours sincerely A Pitire 1x A Mevtina Moon. P.S.—With the thermometer at ninety something in the shade, I may insist that only managers need keep their heads above water. Tue Mart Service to New Yorx.—The New York corre- | spondent of the Times takes the British Post Office officials to ‘task for sending mails by slow boat Britannic when “the St. Paul would have delivered them two days earlier.” Evidently the St. Paul ought to be the boat for carrying “ epistles.” Parnce Biemarcx has been made “ Doctor Medicinw Honoris Caus&” by the University of Jena. Will he now be called on | by prescriptive right to advise the Emperor as to the “ Diet”?

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| him that if any young female person was to inquire PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 1, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Banoo Hurry Bunosno Jasserser, B.A.) No. XIX. Mr. Jabberjce tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India Office and sympathetic reception. In my last I had the honour to report the total non-success of | my endeavour to nill my betrothal on plea of astrological ob- MSF > ** Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir.” palens, and how I was consequentially up the tree of Embarrass- ment. I have since resolved that honesty is my best politics, and have confessed to Miss MaNnKLETOW in a well-expressed curt letter that I am only the possessor of a courtesy title, and, so far from rolling on the rosy bed of unlimited rhino, am out of elbows, and dependent upon parental remittances for pin-money. For corroboration of said statements I begged to refer her litely to my benevolent friend and patron, Hon’ble Sir jumMERBUND, Nevern Square, South ames geonl whom I simultaneously wrote a private and confidential note, instructing } particulars of my birth, origin, &c., he was to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, especially making it clear at I was neither a tip-top Rajah, nor a Leviathan of filthy ucre. The rest (up to present date) is silence; but I have confident my friend, young Howarp, will accomplish the job, and pro- cure me the happy release. I am now to pass to a different subject—to wit, a visit I pai some time since to the India Office. The why of the wherefore was that, in conversation with the A.usut1-Innetts, I had boasted freely of the credit I was in with certain high grade India Official nobs, who could refuse me nothing. Which was hitherto the quested any favour at their hands. and classy, and inquired whether I sufficient influence to obtain for her tickets of admission to one of these select entertainments. and would at once proceed to the India Office and interview one of the senior clerks, who regarded me as his brother. So, after procuring a Whitaker Almanack, and hunting up the name of one of the most senior, I cabbed to Whitehall. Inside the entrance I found an attendant sitting at a table absorbed in reading, who rose and inquired my business, and upoh my statement that I desired to see Mr. Breakwater, eg., on urgent business, courteously directed me up a marble staircase, brown study—for the attendants appear to be iaudably addicted to the cultivation of their minds. He informed me that I should find Mr. Breakwarer’s room clerk who was hurrying along with his hands full of documents, and represented that I had come for an immediate interview with Mr. Breaxwarsr on highly important matters. pected me. |" This elevated my monkey, and I retorted, haughtily, that I | was the bosom friend of said Mr. B., who would be overjoyed | to receive me, and, following him into a room, I peremptorily | demanded that he should inform his master without fail that | Baboo JaBBEeRsEE was there. Whereupon, with the nonchalance of a Jack in an office, he rang a bell and desired an attendant to usher me to the waiting- | room. There, in a large gloomy apartment, surrounded by portraits of English and Native big pots, I did sit patiently sucking the golden nob of my umbrella for a quarter of an hour, until the attendant returned, saying, that Mr. BreakwarTer could see me now, and presently showed me into the aforesaid private room, where, behind a large table covered with wicker baskets con- taining dockets and memoranda, et hoc genus omne, sat the very gentleman whom I had recently taken for his own underling ! Formerly I should have proffered abject excuses, but 1 am now sufficiently up in British observances to know that the only necessary is a frank and breezy apology. So, disguising my bashful confusion, I said, “I am awfully sorry that I took you, my dear old chap, for a common ordinary fellow ; but remember the proverb, that ‘appearances are deceit- ful,’ and do not reveal a thin skin about a rather natural mistake.” Mr. Breakwater courteously entreated me not to mention _the affair, but to state my business briefly. Accordingly I related how I was a native Bengalee student, at present moving Heaven and Earth to pass Bar , and my intimate connec- tion with the distinguished Bayswater family of the A.usutt- InnETTs, who were consumed with longing for free tickets sitive fact, since I had never re- But Mrs. Atisurt-INnerr stated that she had heard that the | reception-soirées at said India Office were extremely enjoyable | Naturally I had to reply that I could indubitably do the trick, | at the top of which was a second attendant, also engaged in | down a certain corridor, and proceeding thither, I stopped a | He demanded incredulously whether Mr. Breakwater ex- | to an official soirée. I then described the transcendent charms of Miss Wre-wex, and my own ardent desire to obtain her | grateful recognition by procuring the open sesame for self and friends. Furthermore, I pointed out that, as an official in the India Office, he was in loco parentis to myself, and bound to | indulge all my reasonable requests, and I assured him that if he exhibited generosity on this occasion, the entire ALLBUTT- | Innett family, self included, would ever pray on the crooked hinges of knees for his temporal and spiritual welfare. e heard me benignantly, but said he regretted that it was | not in his power to oblige me. “You are not to suppose,” I said, “that I am a native Tom- pick or Harry. I am a B.A. of Calcutta University, and | candidate for call to Bar. In additum, I am the literary celeb- | rity, being especially retained to jot and tittle for the periodical of Punch.” Mr. Breakwarrr assured me earnestly that he fully appreci- ated my many distinguished claims, but that he was under an hopes that the manly, straightforward stratagem suggested by impossibility of granting my petition for an invite to the annual — | «

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Avevust 1, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 summer soirée, owing tothe fact that aforesaid festivity was already the fait accompli. “How is that?” I exclaimed. “Have I not read in the daily press of a grand durbar to:be given shortly in honour of Hon’ble | Hune Cuanc P” “ But that is at the Foreign Office,” he objected; “we have no connection with such a coricern.” “The Foreign Office would ‘be better than nullity,” I said. “T will tell you what to do. Write me a letter to show to the head of the Foreign Office. You can state that you have known me intimately for a long time, and that I am deserving of tronage. t, for instance, that it is impolite to show avouritism to one Oriental (such as a Chinese) rather than another, and that you will r any kindness done to me as the personal favour to yourself. Pitch it strong, my respect- able Sir!” | He, however, protested that any recommendation from him | _ would be a brutum fulmen. “ You are too modest, honoured Sir!” I told him, seeing that flattery was requisite; “but I am not the ignoramus of how highly your character and virtues are esteemed, and I can) | assure you that you are not so contemptible a nonentity | hours, I was officially informed that the Principal | a shortness of breath, due not only to the length of the ascent, | electrified the world by his matchless lyrics, and his “ Rocking- | Horse Rides” and “ Dejection: a Sonnet on the absence of Jam | as you | Listen to me; I am now to go to the Foreign Office, | imagine. liberty of mentioning your distin- and shall there assume the guished name as a reference. With benevolent blandness he accorded me full permission to go where I liked, and say anything I chose, recommending me warmly to depart immediately. Seeing him so well-dis , I ventured, on taking my leave, to pat his shoulder in friendly facetiousness, and to say, “It is all right, old boy. Remember, I have complete bond fides in your ability to work the oracle for me successfully.” Which rendered him sotto voce with gratification. But alack! at the Foreign Office, after stating my business and sitting like Patience on a Monument for two immortal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs was not in, and that all the Private and Under Secretaries were equally invisible. This, I must respectfully submit, is not exactly the correct style to conduct a first-class Empire! THE CELEBRILET AT HOME. (A Literary Interview— Latest Style.) Ir was with awe and reverence that your interviewer climbed the topmost staircase of a certain house in Bayswater, and with but to the consciousness that in a few moments he would be standing in the presence of perhaps the greatest genius of the age. Barely seven years old, ter Tommy TitrLesart has already at Tea,” are already familiar as household words. At the top of the staircase stands a beautifully carved wicket- gate, which serves at once to exclude the tumultuous rush of editors who come to clamour for contributions, and also to pre- vent Master TirrLesat, in an excess of poetic zeal, from attempt- ing to slide down the banisters. At my approach, however, the portal was flung open, and, escorted by a polite nursery- maid, I was ushered into the sacred shrine of the Muse, the nursery wherein the seven-year-old poet resides. A glance round the room suffices to assure you of the artistic taste of its occupier. On the walls hang some truly exquisite works of art, extracted from the Christmas numbers of the illustrated wie Even more precious are certain other sketches coatteael a ut the room, for these are richly coloured by Master TitrLepat himself, and reveal the fact that you are in the home of a painter as well as of a poet. at eet — to glance at these, bo a succcanee of ou rom an adjoining apartment told me that poet was ane at hand, and, apparently, that he was vexed by one of those trifling worries which a highly-strung temperament feels so severely. From the fragments of dialogue that reached me, he seemed to be arguing a point with some vehe- mence. “I shan’t, Eliza! ....tI tell you I shan’t!/”.... “Hush, Master Tommy—going on like that with a gentleman to see you and all!” At this moment the door was flung open, and Master Trrriz- a appeared. Disdaining the formalities of an introduction, 3 began :— “I’m a genius—the Daily Chronicle says I’m a genius—and > “AMBIGUITY. Scene—A HiGHLAND FERRY. Tourist, ‘Bur WE PAID YOU SIXPENCE EACH AS WE CAME OVER, AND YOU SAID THE SAME FARE WOULD BRING U8 BACK.” Skipper. ‘‘ WELL, WELL, AND I TELLED YE NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH AN’ IT'LL BE NO MORE THAN THE SAME FARE I'M WANTIN’ THE | NOO FOR BRINGIN’ YE BACK.” | yet they wont let me go on the Serpentine by myself and be a pirate! Have you,” he added, brushing away a not unmanly | tear, “got such a thing as a chocolate about you?” Ir tted that I could not oblige him, and endeavoured to | turn conversation by inquiring about his literary works. “Oh, I’ve done lots of new ms—lots,” he answered. “One about a lead soldier whom I squashed; and one about a caterpillar, only it wouldn’t rhyme properly. And then there’s one all about papa. He calls me ‘a little prig,’ you know, so I’ve written a sit——no, a sat——- What’s the proper word?” “A satire?” I re “Yes, that’s it—all about him, and it’s going to be printed in the T'winkler. Won’t he be wild, just!” And the poet danced with the Solignt of anticipation. “Any more?” I ed. “Well, I was just thinking one about Eliza, but it’s not done. I wish I could write it with ink, but ink does make such messy blobs, you see. It begins like this : — “TI don’t like not enough butter Upon wy Sosae, I don’t like ing to stop playing And go to ; But if you want to know What I like least, It’s the nurse with the fuzzy hair they call Exiza- I hate the beast!” “Master Tommy!” cried the indignant young woman, “come away at once. You shall go to bed this instant. Using ge like that about me to the gentleman, indeed!” And thereupon, in spite of his well-directed kicking, she carried off the poet by the scruff of his neck, and the interview came to a close.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aucuer 1, 1896. v ' AN ENCORE VERSE. ' (To Poe's Poem of *‘ The Bells,”’) Hear the blatant scorchers’ bells |— Biking bells !— | What a tale of torment tintinnabulant 74 each tells! Bu y Ee | Lik _- “~~ ’ 7 4, .. bie, f¢ | On the air cf day and night, , iy | Tow they fil us with affright yl iy | Bor we never know the way the things are coming, left or right. How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, All about ona = around | inn te She who ven e ‘ pennywin. ie,” They who “ watercreases sprinkle, Call ’em brown—though they are yellow— And their merits blare and bellow, Have a less cacophonous sound. Keeping time—erratic time (Like to Atrrep Austin’s rhyme). How they come in phantom hosts, Like a lot of “scorching” ghosts! How they burst from shadowy nooks Like to l-pounding ——, On the elderly pedestrian alone! And the people, ah! the people, ; Who eome spinning down the steep hill. And feel glory in a broken hmb or dislo- cated bone When belonging to a “ duffer,” Or a mere non-biking “ buffer”! Oh, those bells, how much we suffer From their squealing When the inconsiderate idiot devotes himself to “ wheeling.” Oh, those bells! And the hideous yahoo yells! Shout plus tintinnabulation which unmu- sically swells From the bounders who are sounders Of the blaring bikers’ bells, Of the bells Oh, the discumbobulation and the mad- dening aggravation, And the ditherum-engendering, scorch- ing conflobustication Of bike bells!!! WHAT THE WILD WAVES ARE SAYING. Tuat the lodging-house keepers are on the look out for the weary Londoners and their boxes. That the sea breezes will attract all the world from the Metropolis to the coast. That Britons should prefer Ramsgate, Eastbourne, Scarborough, and the like, to Dieppe, Dinard, and ulogne. . s | That paterfamilias should remember, f; | when paying the bill, that a two months’ THE!THAT OF THE PERIOD. letting barely compensates for an empty house during the remainder of the year. Hyde Park Loafer, ‘‘Want a Garp’NER, Miss?” That the shore is a place of recreation | ——__.- | - —— but the caesar matane horse. at the circulatin libraries are AMIENS’ SONG AT THE HAYMARKET. Zee Sa crane So, pose stocked with superfluous copies of un- rst-class, kk | ; | Unver the Berrsoum Tree Risking his wealth and ease nown novels waiting to be read. _ "Twas fine to see Tril-by, The Public for to please. That, finally, during the excursion sea- And hear the mellow note Ducdame, ducdame, ducdame !* son, “Anar will have to be tolerated, if | From Dorornea’s throat. There shall you see not exactly loved. | Come hither, come hither, come hither! Our Berrsonm Tree Here shall you see Match the Lyceum’s fame! | On prr.—Rt. Hon. A. B-ur-r is editing _ A Sven-ga-l 4 ; , a |a new edition of Smaxsprarz. He has Time cannot stale or wither! _* An invocation to call playgoers into a (dress) | already amended one line, which is now cirele. |to be thus read: , . . , © But Tree's ambition s grown .“* The course of business never did run smooth.” To have a house—his own— A 2 i-by-the-h “ Where he can play with ease a ee = Fem, SOF ae OCRUE Genth: ante d i ~ ond Dried’un,” writes thus : ‘ : e reat parts, and greatly p ante Historica. (Enciisu) Notg on “ Foop Suaxksreare, go thither, thither! Thirty days hath _ ” anp Fxrepinc.”—The Tudors, especially There shall you see August, June, July. ember. “Henry T” (not Sir Henry THompson, Our Bezrsoum Tree But at present he can’t get beyond July. | a pro of “food and feeding”), tho- As Ha-let in high feather! “Drink, pretty creature, drink.” | roughly enjoyed stakes and chops. ‘zz, Ang ‘Avpsoupe a ae ‘9g qeurede 66 Aq s10;sTUT;_ WUESU pottive SVM [Iq PAT FHT Jo FZ WNV[O UO JWeWpUEUTY Ty } oe [

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LONDON CHARIVARI.—At \ | i \ V; Y : ial wee ' if } ij } } ay wn) SQ = 30 a Ww c— SWAIN “THE WANING OF THE HONEYMOON.” Ricut Hon. ArTH-R B-LF-R (to himself). ‘‘ WHAT! IS SHE TIRED OF ME ALREADY?” [An amendment on Clause 24 of Irish Land Bill was carried against Ministers by 99 against 86, on Wednesday, July o» ] as.

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Avoust 1, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 57 LAST OPERATIC NOTES. Thursday.—The season draws to a close. Next Tuesday, ere wr, “nt Wade SECOND NATURE. Ir I8 THE GREAT AMBITION OF LITTLE JoNES (OF BARGAIN AND SALES, THE DRAPERS) TO BE TAKEN. FOR AN ARTIST; BUT UNFOR- TUNATELY HE CANNOT BREAK HIMSELF OF THE HABIT OF PUTTING His PENCIL BEHIND HIS Ear! DARBY JONES ON GOODWOOD. Honovrep Sir,—Once more I append the lyrical result of my researches into the future. Goodw needs no bush, so I at once get into my running rhymes. Here ’s my principal tip, and T give it with zest, With RoruscniLp’s their cash should invest. In the Stewards an Ugly k out I can see, Scratch a Tartar and p’r’aps you "II find Lady Sophie. And in one race at "tis a pound to a pin Mr. Harry McCatmont has ing to win, And again do not afterwards say ’twas a fluke When a nice little stake is picked up by a Duke. _ By following my advice, no backer need get left in the Oof- birdless Grove. need scarcely say that I shall be found on the old familiar t with the latest cue in hand, and shall look out for my frie during the hour of rest on each day, when I shall supply them with many winning “The glorious vintage of champagne,” .I may remind my patrons, is always first favourite with your obedient servant, Darnsy Jonzgs. P.S.—I have reason to believe, honoured Sir, that certain valuable testimonials, addressed to myself, are now lying at your office. Please forward, carriage ar [The only testimonial reeeived here was a thick oak stick, labelled ** Please lay this over Dany Jonzs’s back.’’ D. J. can therefore call and receive the same under the conditions annexed.—Eb.] From ovr [rRepressiBiz JoxER (sTiLt iN PRisdn),—Question. Of what fish is the Emperor of Russia most fond? Answer. Czar-dines. ” Reat Doo-Latin.—Cave Canem ! these few lines which end our record shall have , the curtain will have been rung down on the Season of 1896. A good season if not a great one; a sad one to all who knew ond copeomnaes one ass only Davmotaxvs wo = cus. To his energy or many years o i Engith, Ttalian, German, French Opera ; he was a cosmopolitan revivalist, and to him we owe the very pick of European celebrities on the ratic stage. Drurio- La shown the way; others may w, and successfully, in 00 q To-night, Don Giovanni, with excellent, though not an ideal, caste. Signor Anoona is the , not perhaps our fancy (and experience) painted: but still, just now it would be difficult to find a better representative of the tradi- tional “wicked nobleman.” Madame Asani, vocally and tically powerful as the unfortunate Donna Anna (whom the Don ought never to have cast off, as did she not invent the pommes Anna which made his table so famous?), gained a grand encore. There were no “ floral tributes” offered—at least, “not when I saw it,” as Horatio says. Miss (or as in the bills, “ Mlle.”—but why “ Mlle.,” as the young lady is not a Frenchwoman?) Mareverires Macintyre is a fine Elvira, physically and vocally; but she represents this unfortunate victim of the lively Don Juan as gifted with so keen a sense of the humorous as to prevent her from ever being really angry with her inconstant and undevoted lover. When she sings of her woes there is a “ naughty little twinkle in her eye,” as of one who still has pleasant memories of a happy past, and who has not altogether renounced the idea of trying her luck again, if only she can secure the volatile Lothario to herself. Far am I from saying that this conception of the character is not the right one: I am inclined to agree with Miss Maccre Macintyre, on the ground that, probably, she knows. best. I decidedly like her reading of this charac- ter.. She has evidently arrived at it after close study. Only, if this be the character, Macere might have thrown into it a litt more action, and have given even ggg wd piquancy to the humorous slyness of the quietly larky, but apparently very proper, Donna Elvira. T’other Marcaret (not “Marcuerite”), namely Margaret Rep is not Zerlina. Signor Rinavpint better ever as Masetto. Signor Cremonrni “quite a nice young man” as Don Ottavio; and Artmonp1 a most distinguished personage, whether as the Commendatore alive, or as the emp 4 ghost. ‘Signor Prn1-Corst, as Leporello, is “funny without being vulgar,” but his humour does not make me go beyond a “quiet chuckle.” Vive la Compagnie! Bon soir la Com wv! Et au revoir to Signorini BevicNaNi, MANCINELLI, ‘all the talents” of 1896. SHAKSPEARE TO A WORTHY COMMON COUNCILLOR, “‘ Heavens keep old Bepronn safe!” Henry the Sitth, Part L., Act til., Se. 2. Summary or Lorp Rosmpery’s ADMIRABLE Spgecu on Buans. ‘* For a’ that, an’ a’ that, A man ’s a man for a’ that,”’ and, as the faithful Grirrira observed to Queen Karaenine, ** Men’s evil manners live in brass; their virtues We write in water.” So sometimes, when due north, we put a little whiskey in it. But Lord Rosesery has found the real happy medium through which to view the poet. Will his lordship favour ‘us ‘with some more “where that came from” on Brow and Sugiiey? To Balbus of Birmingham. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN late laid it down as a law That the Government cannot make bricks without straw. Most true! But ’tis Hine of note in that quarter, That Ministers cannot bind bricks without mortar. If adhesiveness fails there may be a great fait” y In what lately seemed like’a Great Wall! A Sineutar anp Vistptze Proor or tHe Quezn’s GarnpENn — of the horticulturists employed at’ Buckingham alace. vweul-t

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| | | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 1, 1896. sa ‘ ) MP ; f / y | , hi r Wy Up Y i, Me Ms / / AAA VAL FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE. WHERE TO Sup AL FRESCO IN THE Horrestr Weatuer. Tue “* Waetxome Civus.” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tere was a time in recent history when Gzorr Hornsy was the most important man in Europe. It was in the early days of 1878, when, in command of the British Fleet, he proceeded to the Sea of Marmora with instructions to pass the Dardanelles whether the Turk pleased or didn’t, and steam up to Constantinople. | The East of Europe was at the time strewn thickly with a he owder, on which a spark alighting would, as a Member of t louse of Commons once said, have let slip the dogs of war. | Everything depended on the tact and judgment of the Admiral in command of the British Fleet. It was a serious trial, from | which Horney came out triumphant. In his “Life,” written | easily have been told in a si | Council of Royalties, the surrounding of the | by his daughter, Mrs. Frep Ecerton, and published by Bracx- woop, the stirring story is simply told. The veil is lifted from Cabinet Councils, Ministerial vacillations, cold fits succeeding hot, and the other way about. Horny was, above all things, a man to be trusted, a sea captain of a type which, never failing in the British Navy, will keep it invincible as in Draxe’s time Mrs. Eezrton makes no attempt at fine writing. The annals of her father’s work are as simple and straightforward as was the life they record. It occurs to me that The Vanished Emperor owes his existence to The Prisoner of Zenda. The surmise may erroneous. | wish, however, that the idea of this romance, entitled The Vanished Emperor, published by Warp, Lock & Co., had oc- curred to the author of The Prisoner of Zenda, instead of to Mr. Percy Anprea, who wastes his own and his reader’s time on two-thirds of the book. Everything up to chapter twelve might e ow: or at most, in a couple. From the twelfth chapter up to the eighteenth and last, the story is told with coulinndie dramatic power, though marred | as is the first part by tedious dialogues and ap ntly muddle- scene of the by the revolutio mob, and the sudden arrival of the Vanished Em- peror, would bring down the curtain on the third act to tumultu- ous applause. Baron. headed explanations. Well stage-managed, t Law anp Trme.—A “watching brief” must have much to do with second-hand information. BRUNCH vy. BLUNCH! AccorpING to the Lady, to be fashionable nowadays we must “brunch.” Truly an excellent portmanteau word, introduced, by the way, last year, by Mr. Guy Bzrinegr, in the now defunct Hunter’s Weekly, and indicating a combined breakfast and lunch. At Oxford, however, two years ago, an important dis- tinction was drawn. The combination-meal, when nearer the usual breakfast hour, is “brunch,” and, when nearer luncheon, is “blunch.” Please don’t forget this. Tis the voice of the Bruncher, I heard him complain, “You have waked me too soon, I must slumber again! When the clock says it’s twelve, then perhaps I ’ll revive, Meanwhile into bed yet once more let me dive! The last meal I had was about 3 a.m. ; I’m a writer, so please don’t such habits condemn! This cross between supper and breakfast I’ll name, If you’ll let me, a ‘suckfast ’—and ‘ brupper’’s the same! Later on, too, a similar mixture I make, And of ‘ five o’clock tinner’ at seven I partake ; The term’s a propos, for the fare is tinned meat, With tea for ‘ontray’ and lump sugar for sweet. While the small hours get larger I’m fit as a flea, The sunrise I’m cheerfully ready to see, With ‘blunch’ for to-morrow, and no trains to catch, I don’t need to repose with unseemly despatch. Beauty sleep is a thing that ne’er troubles my head ; When the cock has done crowing I turn into bed, Then peacefully dream of the virtues of ‘ blunch,’ And, on waking, I rise and indite this to Punch!” Lost Telegram to Mafeking. W ire.—“ Finish ope Buluwayo.” Reply and inquiry.— a Answer per wire.—“ To e ‘ Road-easier.’” wasn’t it probably originally something about making Raid easier ! [*,* Suggested by clerk, “If telegram delayed and somehow om astray, | —t_m * & haw eee Oe Tite ee Oe eee eo se es Se eC HO 7 4a aot ei 2 @ A =I oT Bb

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Aveust 1, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary or Tosy, M.P. —The fly from Prince Artuur. He sits on the pene Bench with a gal- lant smile on a worried face j they cluster below the Gangway and “say things.” Colonel cor as N pea aggra- vates situation wearing an ve sky-blue scarf. is sheds aude pallor over face of Carson sitting near him. Warine and Smirs-Barry osts of their former selves. With less chi the Colonel stretches his warlock defiantly across his shapely head. If anyone wants his scalp, and can take it, don’t let them say that he placed them at a mean disadvantage by giving them nothing to hold on by. For years he has fought his country- men on the Benches qoute. Now the adversary is parted only by the breadth of the Gangway. It is his once-loved but now lost leader Prince ArtHur against whom the sharp point of his well-proven blade is turned. The Colonel, like another warrior (Major Bagstock to wit), is tough. But as he up throats announced his intention to vote against Government resolution to sus- nd Twelve o’Clock Rule for rest of ion, his voice falte An unwonted sigh trembled in his manly bosom. It is for Carson, in the last Par- occasionally contradictory moods of honest conviction, according to the terms of his brief. SaunpERson is a soldier, bred in habits of discipline. For him to mutiny, . t \ B) ’ “The Waring of the Green.” to go over bag and baggage to the enemy, 1s a grevious wrench to inborn instincts House of Communs, Monday, July 20. | Thanes to-night and amid unwonted cheers from Radiol | bad eno liament Nok ARTHUR’s prize new Member. But Carson is a lawyer, ac-| customed to find himself in divers and | | The Brothers Heaty make their bow after their marvellous performance in Committee. | | and life-long habits. But the call of duty| apparently as tireless at two o’clock in is inexorable. morning as he was fresh at four in the **T could not love thee, Prince, so much, afternoon. Loved I not Honour more.” “TI never watch Tim on the warpath,” Thus the Colonel murmurs to himself,| s#ys Prince Artnun, “ without —_— gazing with dimmed eyes on Lvucasta,| grateful for the present disposition o lounging with ill-affected ease on the things. Suppose Irish party united as Treasury Bench. Then, like Lvucasta’s| it was in Parnzry’s time, with Tim, lover, he “goes to the wars.” /having rubbed off some of his angulari- | Business done.—Twelve o’Clock Rule | ties of temper, their eodes. = — suspended for rest of Session. case, even wi our majority touching Puesday.—T1m Heaty spent thoroughly | three engl Ireland would get pretty agreeable night. Irish Land Bill in Com- | much what she wanted. Divide et impera. mittee. Tim, with his back to the wall, They divide and we rule. | Sighting the whole lot of them, landlords, Business done.—Pegging away at Irish | Ministers, and Chairman of Committees. Land Bill. | Sometimes when things flag he leaves| Thursday.—A better fellow than Rossat | protection of wall and dashes in among | Turesniz Rem, commonly called Bon, 'them. The crowd close round him; begin | the House of Commons does not contain. 'to think you’ll never see Tim any! Sorry to hear of his having taken a step more; when dust flies up; f ents of | that arrests, at full tide, an honourable | Carson darken the sky; the Irish Attor-| and prosperous career. All done in a | ney-General’s coat is split right up the| moment of pique, which makes it more back ; Gsgratp Batrour’s hair _ is| remarkable on part of so level-headed a |ruffied over his pallid face. Then Tim/man as ex-Attorney-General. It’s Sanx | steps out of the mélé, breathing a little| tells me about it. Not sure I should hard, but otherwise incommoded. Puts | believe it on any other authority. All on his glasses and looks up fresh refer-| arises out of private Bill which Bon found time to t, and over whose Parlia- |mentary fortunes he watched with more ‘ _ | than paternal solicitude. Got it as far A marvellous spectacle indomit- as Committee Stage. Expected it to run able courage, ready resource, perfect | through unopposed in last half-hour of mastery of subject. Soon after dinner | Wednesday sitting. When who should turn Canson threw up sponge. No use moving | = and put spoke in wheel but Henry amendments, he said ; clear they wouldn’t| Fowrzr! Had it been Tanner, Bos be accepted. If they were, Ministers | wouldn’t have minded. But a former col- went back on their decision. So Carson | league, an esteemed friend, a man not stalked forth; but Tr stayed on to end, | usually given to vagaries, it 1, that which ences from erudite authorities designed | to frustrate the landlords’ knavish tricks and make them fall. ‘ o

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARL [Auveusr 1, 1896. UNIONISTS WHo VOTED" AGAINST me GO\ GOVERNMENT, M* VICTOR CAVENDISH SIR JOHN COLOMB Mm" RADCLIFFE COOKE M* DANE COLONEL DENNY SIR R. PENROSE -FITZGERALD M* GEDGE SIRT. LEA M* LECKY | MAJOR M'CALMONT M* MORRISON m* O'NEILL M* RENTOUL COLONEL S? COLONEL MAJORITY ball GOVERNMEN Mr. Balfour (disguised as Fulstaff). has suddenly but irrevocably convinced | Bos Rew that Parliamentary life is no | proper sphere for him. Action with him follows promptly upon decision. A week ago a prominent Mem- | ber of the House of Commons, a leader | at the Bar, he has now quitted the busy | scene and settled himself down in dour | but dulcet Dumfries. Has taken the Woodbank Hydropathic Establishment, and hopes, by civility and close attention | to business, to merit continuance of past favours. Paragraph in all the papers states that his first guest is the ex-Premier. So like Lord Rosesery; always ready to | help a friend in practical way. Bos | is of course new to the hydropathic busi- ness. May be expected to be a little awkward at first with the wet pack. Can hardly in a week have mastered all the details of the management of a large ** Call you that backing of your friends? ’’ establishment. That will come in time. It’s a good send-off to have Lord Rosr- BERY. Still it’s an odd move, and I hope Bos will not find cause to regret it. Business done.—Irish Land Bill through Committee. Friday.—Prince Artuur rather, in low spirits to-night. Things still, on the whole, not going well. Bad enough to be de- feated in the division lobby. But to have Don Joszk and Sr. Micuaget dining out and simultaneously setting about to crack him up as heaven-born leader of House of Commons is worse still. “Call you that backing of your friends?” says Prince Artuur, looking as like Falstaff as nature will permit. “A plague upon such backing.” One gleam of sunshine is the..passing | through Committee of Irish Land Bill. At one time permed Dopeless endeavour. | Success largely due, as Tim Hearty ciously acknow to tact and il- | ing good temper of brother Gzrat. Reflex of this happy state of yer over | Committee to-night. Irish votes ugh | on stroke of midnight. So all go home; | some to bed. Business done.—Irish Estimates through Committee. WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. | By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate. ) MARRIED in white You have hooked Married in grey, He will ne’er get away. Married in black, He will wish himself back. Married in red, He will wish himself dead. Married in n, His true colour is seen. Married in blue, He will look it, not you. Married in pearl, He the distaff will twirl. Married in yellow, Poor fellow! Poor fellow! Married in brown, Down, down, derry down. Married in pink, To a slave he will sink. Married in crimson, He’ll dangle your whims on. Married in buff, He will soon have enough. Married in scarlet, Poor victimised varlet! Married in violet, purple, or puce, It doesn’t much matter, they al] mean— the deuce! him all right. VOICES FROM THE SHADES, The Immortal Grove. PrEsENT— Thu Bards of the Majority. First Poet. “Take him all in all Second Poet (interrupting). Stay, Wi1- LIAM. Quotation (especially from one’s own work) is not permitted. First Poet. But did you ever see the like? Did you hear his speech ? Second Poet. Yes; it was rather rough upon poor Rossre. But there’s the dan- zer of anniversaries. First Poet. But surely such a thing was never done before ? Second Poet. Very probably; but un- less he be promptly quashed, it’s precious likely to be done again. First Poet. Poor Aturrep! successor ! Poet. What a Second laudator! First Poet. Well, pity it is true; but Berns at least has a new epitaph. Second Poet. He has! That after the hundred years he has been patronised by A.rrRep Austin! [Scene closes in upon much lamenta- tion and some hilarity. ScENE What a Poor Rossre! IN THE TRAIN. Would-be Swell (to affable countryman (a perfect stranger) whom he wishes tv over-awe). Couldn’t leave town before. Had to wait for the royal wedding. Affable Countryman. Indeed! I sup- pese the tips are very handsome on such occasions? I hope you did pretty well, Sir. Tae pn To Horse Parns.-- Cowes Roads.

Page 83

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Aveusr 1, 1896.

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Page 84

PUNCH, OR THE csanaseell CHARIVARL. LEA & PERRINS SAUCE has been known for more than FIFTY YEARS ALL OVER THE WORLD. ASK FOR And observe that the Signature of every Bottle. Sold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester; CROSSE & ] BLACKWELL, Ld., London; and Export Oilmen generally. | RETAIL EVERYWHERE. WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. GROSSE & BLAGKWELL$ FRESH FRUIT JAMS. AND JELLIES, In White Pots and Glass Jars, ARE MADE FROM SELECTED FRESH FRUITS AND REFINED SUGAR. Sold by Grocers and Stores throughout the World. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE, is now printed in Blue Ink diagonally across the QUTSIDE WRAPPER —Aveust l, 1896. Each Jar bears Facsimile of Justus von Liebig’s Liebig = tue west Company's Extract of Beef. WORLD-KNOWN | Signature in Blue Ink across the Label. Yr = J SATURDAY. | FRAY BENTOS OX TONGUES ARE THE BEST. - DU BARRY’S REVALENTA FOOD Cures All disorders of the Stomach and Bowels, the Blood, the Nerves, Lungs, Liver, Brain, Voice, and Breath—such as Constipation, Dyspepsia, Indigestion, Consumption, Diar- rhea, Dysentery, Influenza, Grippe, Acidity, Heartburn, Phliegm, Flatulency, Feverish Breath, Nervous, Bilious, Pulmonary, Glandular, Kidney and Liver Complaints, Debility, Cough, Asthma, all Fevers, Spasms, Impurities | and Poverty of the Blood, Ague; Rheumatism, Gout ; Nausea and Vomiting, and at Sea; Eruptions, Sleepless- ness, Atrophy, Wasting in Adults and Children. 50 years’ | invariable success with old and young, even in the most | 100, 000 annual cures. PRICES.—_DU BARRY’S REVALENTA ARABICA suitably packed for all climates. In Tins of § Ib. at 2s.; 1 Ib., 3s. 6d.; 21b., Gs. ; 5 Ib., 14s.; 12 Ib., 32.5 | 24 Ib., 60s.; or about 2d. per meal. All Tins carriage free at home and in France. Also DU BARRY’S TONIC REVALENTA BISCUITS ensure sleep and nervous energy to the most restless and enfeebled. In Tins, 1 Ib., 3s. 6d.; 2 Ib., 6s. DU | BARRY AND CO. (Limited), 77, Regent Street, London, W.; 14, Rue de Castiglione, Paris; 50, Rue du Rhéne, Geneva; and of all Grocers and Chemists in every part of the world. hopeless cases. Printed —— Peng h Smith, of No. 3, Loraine Road, Holloway, in in the Parish of the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and St. Mary. published by him at im the County of Middlesex, at the —_ Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., Limited, 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Brice, City of London.—Garcavsy. August 1, 1a06. AN ee EVERY Oe Wane, PUBLISHED

Page 85

66 9) THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. A Pp , N A Under the absolute control of the Royal Hungarian Chemical Institute (Ministry of Agriculture), Buda Pest. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices 6d., 1s., and 1s. 8d. per bottle. SoLE IMPORTERS: THE APOLLINARIS COMPANY, LIMITED, LONDON. {art g~/ “a Ke, ST Nd BAY if ow a a (A a= _— - ’ WN SATURDAY. f h . a : ! Ny 1 Pi - ‘ ; ~ » » ait Sy = poe F omega! Ta + nM i im , 5 ea ms Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. EVERY VOLUME CXI1. —+— AUGUST 8] PUBLISHED A CODE ees nd a Pune TatAIy PRICE THREE PENCE “ils - lay > J ysis 4 WW A oh LAY | I | AV je Gey S Sic lau PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, | ; LONDON. _ CHOCOLAT For MENIER 1Z%ee or Pictures of any description. will in no case ve returned, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception Drawings mmunications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matier even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope not 6a” NOTICE.— Rejected Co

Page 86

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aucusr 8, 1896.

Miss Braddon’s 4 Latest Novel. Cheap Edition. Cloth, 2. 64. ; Boards, 2s. SONS OF FIRE. pe by the Author of “Lady Audiey’s ae ac. London: SIMPKIN & CO., Ltd, and all Booksellers.

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Page 87

Averst 8, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 . ae A BITER BIT. ‘“*By THE WAY, SNookson—I’VE GOT A BET WITH MY FRIEND BROWN HERE ABOUT THAT SATIRICAL POEM OF YOURS IN THIS WEEK'S GApFLY; I SAID I COULDN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME SEE ANY POINT IN IT, AND HE DECLARES THERE JS NO POINT. Now, WHICH OF US TWO IS RIGHT?” MEMS. FOR COWES REGATTA WEEK. 1. Onsect to paying more than five pounds a night for a frowsy attic with no t. 2. Never dispute fares with cabdrivers or boatmen. The best plan is to offer your purse to the Jehu or waterman, and ask him to help himself. This saves wrangling. 3. In event of calling on a friend at the R.Y.S., be sure and speak to the signalman at the gate with your hat or cap in your hand, and be servile in your manner, otherwise this Lord High Functionary may order your instant execution by means of the Commodore’s pop-guns. 4. On the other hand, if you drop in at the London Yacht Club, do not forget that the building was erected for the benefit of the local aristocracy for fifty-one weeks in the year, and during seven days for the convenience of honorary members. 5. If you wish to make yourself popular with the ladies, take a wet retriever or poodle on to the Parade about 5 p.m. 6. Always suppose that every man you meet in a peaked cap and blue serge owns a yacht. If you have one of your own allude to it deprecatingly as “my little tub.” 7. If fond of practical joking, suggest to any American ac- quaintances that the gates of Osborne are always open. But after their visit keep out of their way. 8. As the German Emperor is not coming to Cowes this year, state openly that His Maj that you are watching his interests. Sternly refuse to take | any parties to inspect Meteor. State with truth that you have no authority to do so. 9. Make a point of inquiring daily at the Post Office if there be any letters for you addressed to the Spoof (or whatever | esty is an intimate friend, and imply | name you select for your cutter, schooner, or yawl). The postal authorities have little to do in Regatta week, and will like visits from yourself and similar querists. 10. The same idea can be worked out at the Marine, the Fountain, the Gloster, or any other hostelry. 11. On the day of your arrival tip all the itinerant minstrels. Thereafter you and your neighbours will never want for music minute by minute. 12. If a numismatist, buy a handful of the tokens in use on the Floating Bridge and send them to the British Museum. 13. If fond of meditation or mushrooms, travel by the Isle of Wight railways. You will have ample time to indulge in the former, and to pick the latter. 14. On Firework Night, charter a boat, and play at being Lord Cuartes Beresrorp at the bombardment of Alexandria. Your experience will be quite as exciting as that of the gallant commander of the Condor. 15. Feed yourself how you can and when you can. only get a chance now and then. 16. Always remember, that to a native of the island you are a miserable “overner” despatched from the mainland for his sole profit. He will therefore treat you as the spider does the fly. Why blame him? In one short week he manages to You will squeeze enough sustenance to enable him to bask in the sun- shine of Fortune for three hundred and fifty-eight days. THE MODERN BLACK FLAG. (Fragment from a Romance that, in spite of recent comments, it is hoped will never become a reality.) “Tre engines are disabled, Sir,” said the lieutenant, saluting his captain, “and we are within reach of the curse of the seas.” The commander uttered an exclamation of horror. He would have given way to dismay had he not been a brave man. “Well, Mr. Mayne Brace, we must trust to every stitch of canvas and run before the wind.” “ Aye, aye, Sir;” and the boatswain piped all hands to obey the necessary orders. Then for the space of half an hour every glass was directed towards the shore. Would the good ship, Court Capel, escape the clutches of the much-dreaded craft to which the second officer had recently referred? Would she outsail the boat that had been called “the curse of the seas”? During thirty minutes nothing of moment happened, and then a auall vessel put off from the shore. “Crowd on more sail,” cried the captain, “we have a good start and we may yet weather them.” The sailors obeyed the new direction with alacrity. The masts bent under the weight of the strained canvas. Never had such an effort been made before. “From what are we attempting to escape ?” asked a passenger, who, in the palmy days of the nautical drama, would have been | rudely called “a lubberly landsman.” “We have no time for idle conversation, Sir,” replied the | master ; “ but as you are curious I will tell you.” And then he gave the desired information. “But surely you are mistaken!” exclaimed the nger “The men who form the crew of that boat are the pride of the English-speaking race. They risk their lives battling with th« stormy seas. They are heroes, every one of them!” “If you had read some recent articles carefully you would have learned, Sir, that such a view is erroneous. Salvage is the principal aim of the glorious crew. They may be brave, but they are also businesslike. We must not let them board us or their claim for compensation will be enormous.” The Court Capel sprang on like a greyhound. The ship ad- vanced by leaps and bounds. The crew were grave and anxious. They knew their captain was a determined man, and would rather | sink his ship than surrender. | “Tf worst comes to the worst,” he murmured, “run the vessel on to a sunken rock and we sink together. It will be cheaper in the long run.” But fortunately there was no necessity for so extreme a course. The boat became smaller and smaller, and was at length scarcely visible. “What was she?” asked another of the passengers. what have we escaped ? ” | Then came the reply, uttered in a tone of satisfaction: “ We | have escaped the lifeboat!” And with this the captain closed his glass and feared no longer. “From Vacation Cricket.—A Member of Parliament on the stump. VOL. CXI.

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[Aveust 8, 1896. as yore n> CHARIVARI. rr HUNG CHANG x id ehet: bole br bo Os Te KOO ©, @. ont ™ 1) — 2) noooouog OOOO Ff x (See p. 63.) OR THE LONDON Or, Tue Latest LEGEND oF THE WILLOW-PATTERN PLATE. INCH, PU THE WANDERINGS OF LI \/ ? =e OOO IN ~~

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Aueust 8, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Hf > oF, -* Aewrans. je nm Dealer in Welsh Cobs (to bucolic buyer). A STRONG RECOMMENDATION. ** Now, A HEXACT MODEL OF THE PRINCE's ‘08s Pansiuuon / GUV’NOR, WILL YOU BUY THAT ONE? THE WANDERINCS OF LI HUNG CHANC; Or, THE LATEst LEGEND OF THE WILLOW- PATTERN PLATE. Ata cursory glance you may say to your- selves “That’s the old willow pattern so long on our shelves!” But there you’re mistaken, for moderni- sation Has touched e’en that plate; but as some explanation Seems needful to make it quite clear, I'll begin it, If you will oblige me by waiting a minute. If dished by this plate, I’ll explain, as a chorus, One or two knotty points in the picture before us. SONG. Airn—‘‘ The House that Jack built.” (During the Song the Enchanter points to the different portions of the Plate referred to, beginning in the middle.) These are the travels of L1 Hune Cuanu There are the Krupp shots all hung on the trees, That wibbledee, wobbledee, go in the reeze ; And there is the Teuton, who’s quite in a pet That ~ for hundred-ton guns he can’t get, Or pocket the profits he hoped to have mad e Out of the increase of commerce and trade, From the travels of Mandarin Li Hune CHANG. And there are the “turtle doves,” German and Frank 1| Under the shade of the wonderful dome (Who’re rather like eagles a-hungered Looking round = the garden and round and moe on the tree Who clap aw wildly in misty mid-air, | That wibbledes” wobbledee, the And neither one wholly content with his | breeze ; share But whose verdancy does not characterise Soaring above those remarkable trees | That wily tourist with almond eyes, That wibbledee, &c. | Our Celestial visitant, L1 Hune Cuana. And there is the junk in which Li Hune | sacar go in THE MAID AND THE MINISTER. CHANG Is paddling away, bidding orders go hang A New—Agricultural - Nursery Rhyme. Past the Bridge of War, where three con- The Maid Aaneouuevas. . “a Japs ; : The Minister . Mr. Cu-PL-n. lugging the booty — ingenious : ” en s |— “Where are you going to, my pretty To their Far Eastern home, with delight , maid ?” p a ae ; immense, “T’m going to ruin! fair Sir!” she said. Past the awfully zig-zag diplomat fence, | “May I, well, sympathise, my pretty Under the Treaty ty queerest of trees, maid ?” That wibbledee, &e. And there is the Britishers’ tight little “Tn A ene fashion, kind Sir,” she “ What maid “My — is farming, kind Sir,” is | your business, my pretty P isle Where ‘the lion reclines, with a genial she smile, “ What is your fortune, my pretty maid?’ Which overshadows his island home ; “ My fortune ’s misfortune, kind Sir,” she uietly waiting, in his own way For the wily wanderer from far Cathay, With leonine nonchalance taking his ease Under the shade of the wonderful trees, That wibbledee, &c. sai “ And what, can I do for you, my pretty mai “Oh! i give me Protection, kind Sir,” she “Hump that is impossible, my pretty maid So having geographised most of the plate, | For pe — I must ask you at present to | “Then thank you for nothing, kind Sir,’ wa she sai (Like that western watcher, cute Uncle | “ Will nothing else help you, then, my Sam pretty maid?” But would Beamer remark that no west- |“ Pay y my rates out of taxes, kind Sir,” she Will. og in the Mandarin Li Hvune Tue Home or Pate-terny.—Kew Gar- | Who is wandering warily over the seas, | dens.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Auveusr 8, 1896. Tommy (who has just begun learning French, YOU CALL THAT MAN ‘Gargon'}” Tommy (after reflection). ‘‘1 say, Dappy, OUT OF Jaci KETSs AND TURN- DOWNS, AND GETS DID on his first visit to Boulogne). “‘1 say, Danppy, Daddy (with pride). ‘* Yxs, MY Boy.” WHAT A BIG GARGOW HELL BE WHEN HE 's 8 INTO ' TAILs S$ AND Srick-vps !" C HINE SE PROVERBS. (Adapted from the English by an Illustrious Traveller.) Pzrsons who are brought to England in the midst of a Bank Holiday ought | not to be expected to be too cheerful on as following morning. A lodging at Carlton House Terrace is better than a mansion in Park Lane. It is a weary tour that has no return- in You cannot make a Shahzada out of an ex-Viceroy, especially in the off season. Any sight will do to strike an Oriental with astonishment. It is too late to open the Palace doors when every one has hurried away to the seaside. Half an official welcome is better than an ill-bred mobbing. A live recluse in Pall Mall is more | valuable than a hunted-to-death lion in “eu- after the heads of the Govern- ment, and the contractors and the manu- facturers will take care of themselves. Lastly, you may bring a Chinese Bis- mMARCK thousands of miles to see London, but no power on earth will induce him to visit (if he does not desire it) the South Kensington Museum. DOMESTIC BLISS. Ovr blissful honeymoon Was over all too soon, And then we settled down at home for good. I sought, but sought in vain, For courage to complain ; It’s such bad ~ to talk about one’s food. At last I said, “My dear, You will be vexed, I fear” (I wanted to be kind, but very firm), “T can’t exist on sops: I’m getting tired of chops: We'll part, Boyt with Meter at the So aon the tubes next morning We gave Maria warning, And rammed the stopper in and did not wait ; And then we advertised, As all our friends advised, And told cooks to apply here after eight. My poor wife interviews, And I, to help her choose, Remain behind a paper or a book ; But ’tis with pensive pe, I notice “good and plain Are qualities most valued in a cook. They differ as to ages, They differ as to wages, ‘ But all object to washing,— which is strange ; They differ as to dress, But one and all confess They’ve left their places only “for a change.” They stickle for their right To go out every night, They’re careful to observe ‘Command- ment Four ; But yet it seems they shirk All kinds of menial work, ike polishing the brasses of the door. And some are withered crones Reduced to rags and bones, With toothless jaw, an ad beanie all awry ; And some are fat and florid, And some are grim and horrid ; But most are young and sensitive and shy. And some are Plymouth Bro- ers, And some are widowed mothers And very | say they ’re “ Friendly Girls A few belong to missions, A few are politicians, With spectacles and bristling corkscrew curls. At last my wife confessed She felt herself depressed By having — five characters that ind did’ I: not feel sorry I’d —— her all this worry ? And—did I mind? — Maru said she’d stay | She ’s impudent and lazy, She burns the poulet braisé, Her stews are tough, her jellies never clear ; Her puddings have no taste, Her sauces are mere paste— But we’ve raised her wages two pounds ten a year!

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“HOW TO CELEBRATE THE LONCEST AND MOST CLORIOUS | repeat correctly. Aveust 8, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A Frew SuacEsrions. To the Editor of ‘‘ Punch.” Sir,—How could we better celebrate the 23rd Sept., 96, than by giving a national holiday, and half-a-crown apiece—the half-crown being emblematical of loyalty to the Crown—to all employés? Let the masters pay their workpeople ail the same, so that no man, woman, or child suffer thereby (except the said masters, and they don’t count). Nothing could be more fitting —from our point of view. Yours obediently, AN Empioys. Str,—On this glorious day, let all employés take a holiday— at their own expense. Yours obedie LOYER OF LABOUR. Ax H.M.’s Industrial Establishment, Princetown, Dartmoor. Str,—As one who has long—too long—worn Her or uniform, I suggest that no more suitable way of celebrating thi occasion could be found than by ordering the instant release of all gentlemen compulsorily connected with this establishment. Excuse the crest on this letter paper. Yours obediently, WiiuiaM Sixes. Matabeleland. Sirn,—Could we not commemorate this great day by establish- ing a close time for nigger shooting? Yours, PER. Str,—It would be a graceful act if all keepers of licensed houses were to open their bars, that day, to all the thirsty subjects of the Queen gratis. I approached one publican on the subject, but left (hurriedly, and through the bottle and jug department door) without waiting for any definite reply on his part. Perhaps you might meet with more success. Yours obediently, A. Boozzr. Sir,—I would s that all bookmakers should wipe off arrears to Sept. 23rd, when it comes (this would include St. Leger), as a fitting memorial of the day. Yours obediently, PLUNGER. Sir,—I would like to suggest that all backers of horses should pay up all arrears of w they owe on Sept. 23rd. This would cause genuine rejoicing amongst a large and deserving class of the community. Yours obediently, BooxkMakKER. “ Wovunp-ze Cyro.ist” ests that half a million wheelmen should ride abreast up Ping vont front drive at Balmoral, ringing their bells as a token of loyalty. He would be happy to join in such a demonstration if Her Majesty will kindly supply him with a machine. “A Batioonist” thinks that all the Board School children throughout the country should be taught to parachute between this and September 23rd, on which date a monster ascent of the whole population of London might be organised. Several young ladies, born in 1887, and saddled with the name of Jusitez, would like to change it for Vicrorta ALBXANDRINA, as it is so vating to have one’s age proclaimed to all the world, and they are not going to stand it any longer, so there! “Socratist” would be satisfied with a free fight of twenty- four hours’ duration, in Hyde Park, between the various sec- tions of “Comrades” and “ Fellow-workers,” who recently gave expression in the Queen’s Hall in similar fashion to their una- nimity and solidarity. If any blighted brother-Anarchist likes to come on——(rest suppressed). “Prrrervip Scot” opines that the Queen’s title should be altered to that of Empress of Great and Little Cumbrae, and of their adjacent dependencies, and that a sum not exceeding six- pence be spent in apprising Her Majesty of the fact. “Tommy ” is quite sure that three weeks’ extra holidays would be the best means of enabling him to realise that he has got to remember a new fact in English history, and by then the fruit season will be over. And Mr. Punos considers that everybody might learn “ God Save the Queen,” the words of which not one person in ten can The rhymes of the National Anthem might also be repaired. At Cowes. First Boatman. Well, the German Hemp’ror ain’t a-coming after all Second Boatman. No; yer see, if he did a come arter this Dr. | Jim business, ’twould be like hadding hinsult to hinjury. LON DON ANT NORTH WESTERN —S— THE H GRATUITOUS. Lady. ‘‘Can I BOOK THROUGH FROM HERE TO OBAN?” : Well-educated Clerk (correcting her). ‘‘Houponn, YOU MEAN. No ; BUT YOU CAN BOOK TO BroAD STREET, AND THEN TAKE A ‘Bus ! THE PLAY IN PANTON STREET. Daty’s comedians, unlike the poor, are not “always with us.” Perhaps one of these days they may “come to stay.” At present their visits are flying ones. . Dary’s Love on Crutches cer- tainly “caught on,” and had it a few weeks’ chance, and favour- able weather, it might have been in for a fairly long run. It is a pleasant adaptation from a German piece which has something in common with The Adventures of a Love Letter, taken from Sarpovu’s Pattes de Mouche. As so many modern German pieces, there is an interviewing journalist. Miss Apa Renan is very amusing as Annis Austin; her sudden transitions from grave to gay are most humorously natural. Miss Sysi CARLISLE 1s a most phen and charming widow. Mr. Sipney Henperr, | as her lover, seems to laugh at himself occasionally for being so | dreadfully in earnest ; otherwise he is excellent. Good, too, Mr. | Cuantes Ricuman, as the rather ill-used husband. How Mr. and | Mrs. Austin ever came together, and how they then quarrelled, or were estranged, is not satisfactorily explained. But there it is; and, this being the foundation of the play, you must take it | roblems some hypothesis must be | granted, otherwise we 6 ould never start. Mr. James Lewis | for granted, as in all capital: his laugh is so cheery, and he enjoys it all so much. | Quaint Mrs. Gitnert, disguised as a young person, would give | more vraisemblance to sharp Mr. Bitrerzpcr Gresnam’s mis- | take (he plays this part very well) were she to wear long, | fashionable gloves, gants de Suéde, with her evening costume. | Hands tell tales as well as fortunes, and when he is meditating whether the disguised fair one is seventeen or fifty, the ungloved hand which he holds and caresses ought to decide him The company leaves us at the end of this week; therefore, to those remaining in town, and uncertain of what to do with their “evenin on crutches ? Regardless of the Temperature. Facetious Australian (off Calshot Castle, to indisposed friend). owed boot ? What arm of the sea reminds one of a borr The “hoe (festly). Give it—an ¥. A. Why, the Sole-lent, to be sure. [The “I. F.” is promptly carried below. —up.” > in a second. | out,” I advise go and see Love on Crutches. But why |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aueusr 8, 1896. i} rin nore ting Hibod ‘Mili ii li TANTAENE ANIMIS CCELESTIBUS IRA ? ‘WHAT A SHOCKING BAD APPOINTMENT TO THE DEANERY OF BARCHESTER !” ‘*Ou—I pon'’r KNOW. FAILURE WHEREVER HE HAD BEEN BEFORE!” THE USUAL QUALIFICATIONS: OWN BROTHER TO A PEER, AND A OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Torriba, by J. Cameron Grant, is one of those books which had better not have been written, or, if written, better un- ae an opinion evidently not shared y the Westminster ConstTaBLe, who has taken it u and brought it out in one volume. Some of the idyllic scenes in the story are charming; but, personally, the Baron would be inclined to say that “virginibus puerisque,” c'est défendu. Now when an opinion of a book has to be expressed in two foreign languages, so as to be unintelligibly intelligible, it may be gathered that “caute legendum” would have to be written on the cover, or, say, on the page where there appears a motto to the work which may be sup- sed to give the key-note to the reader. ndeed, this story might well have been included, and have found its right place, in “The Key-note Series.” It does not end unsatisfactorily, seeing that the victim is revenged. As for the hero, if hero he can be called, well, the weak- knee’d David Copperfield, placed in a posi- tion similar to that of Senhor José (there is @ meaning intended by calling him “ José”), would have shown himself a more manly specimen of the genus homo. The author has spoilt his improbable ro- mance by writing with a bias and with a design, both of which he has been at great pains to make so unmistakably evident that, in doing so, he has defeated his own purpose, for which more than one reader who has taken up the book at haphazard will be pow to him. At least so | thinks, and says, as he thinks, Tue Baron. SPORTIVE SONGS. A Mariner at Cowes after a long day's cruising sings to his Lady-love. Aruwart his golden Western bed The sun has drawn his curtain red, The breeze has gone, the day is dead, —— deep, darling, peace on the Our pent ouleap idly with the tide, That plashes gently ’gainst the side, On no “ white horses” now we ride— Sing me to sleep, darling, sing me to sleep! Like myriad gems the fair lights glow On rho around, aloft, below— The jewelled boats glide to and fro— A fairydom peep, love, a fairydom peep ! Enchanted seems this lovely isle, That hour by hour renews its while. Day has his laughter, Night her smile— Sing me to sleep, darling, sing me to sleep ! Your voice with ever constant spell In rich romantic theme can swel!— Or softer lays of love can tell With accents that weep, love, with ac- cents that weep ! No fickle Siren sang like you, Your harmony is music true That no Ulysses ever knew— Sing me to sleep, darling, sing me to sleep! That simple ballad—what a balm It brings! a holy, happy calm, The echo of some long-lost psalm ! Soothingly sweet, love, soothingly sweet! But listening on this waveless sea I feel a longing wake in me. My languor’s lost—I’m fancy free! [ must have—strange such things should Something to drink, darling, something to eat! **QUEEN’S DAY, 1896.” Dear Mr. Puncu,—I have seen so many plans promulgated for celebrating the long reign of our gracious Sovereign that I am quite bewildered as to whether the Queen intends to take off the income- tax or entertain all the world and his wife to high tea in Hyde Park. For my own part, I cannot but think that the most practical form of rejoicing would be for our beloved monarch to leave Bal- moral and take up her residence at Ken- sington Palace, where both she and the Duchess of York were born. It is a roomy old house, and the Round Pond is famous for its regattas. I am sure that my idea is as good as any published, and quite as mixed. Your obedient servant, MetuusaLem MuppLecuump. A Suggestion to the Poet-Laureate. Ox! Aurrep chief of poets! why Indulge your fancy mid the blues? To green Ardennes then why not hie? , For there you’ll find a cheerful Meuse!

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Ss SS EAST LONDON WATER SUPPLY! Company’s Tuxncock. ‘“‘NOW, LOOK ’ERE, DON’T YOU GO A WASTIN’ ALL THIS ’ERE VALUABLE WATER IN WASHIN’ AND WATERIN’ YOUR GARDENS, OR ANY NONSENSE O’ THAT SORT, OR YOU ’LL GET YOURSELVES INTO TROUBLE!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Aveust 8, 1896.] hin\uli ; FLA D 4 AN at 3 wi\)/) : 4 Gi ; it g ih 4 wt OT TT , 1 are ““THALATTA ! General Chorus (as the Children’s Excursion nears us destination). Small Boy. ‘‘1’Lu BE IN Fust !” .: Fu > er ~ ¥.4 eZ " 4 uu SS | ill) al Oe oe Wh he * 4\'% THALATTA!”’ “Ou, J say! Tuere’s THE Sea! ‘Ooray!!’ PRECIOUS PAVEMENT. l [‘‘ The paving of the footway in front of Mr. VANDERBILT’Ss house is said to | have cost £10,000, the largest stone being worth over £2,000.’ St. James's | will impress everyone with the idea that you are a fine player. | Or an alternative plan is to play with one provided by your host, Gazette. ] Yxs, Sir, there ’s a sidewalk to lick all creation ; es, Sir, an Amurracan did it, you bet! Just greenbacks and dollars have done the tarnation Consarn, there are mighty few things they cayn’t get. No doubt, Uncle Sam, but one’s senses are whirling With money so plentiful that, in the street, It thus can be scattered ; ten thousand pounds sterling Should furnish stone paving quite nice for the feet. So do not buy pictures, but paving—how stunning! Not sculpture, but stones—how surpassingly sweet ! Vexasguez and Remsranot are not in the running, And feeble old Parp1as takes a back seat. By Jove, what a notion for others to follow! In London some fortunate folks fortunes gain, And they, by their pounds beating dollars quite hollow, May offer to gild all the length of Park Lane. a, there’s poor Italy burdened—that’s clear, eh P— ith ruinous schemes upon which she embarks ; Perhaps, if some Croesus would gi gre enough lire, She ’d sell him the paving she in St. Mark’s. It’s sadly uneven, but careful relayin Would make it quite flat, and it’s Old-fashioned art, But v expensive ; so someone, ying, Might b e a new stable-yard vabll y smart. A Vattey-astz Hype-a.—Mr. 8S. H. Hype, the Secretary cf | the Kempton Park Club, is trying to get the Thames Valley Line connected with the main South-Western System. Curi- ously enough, only water is in the way. But still, Mr. Punch hopes that Mr. Hypx will come off Soorrer-free in this respon- | sible right of way. | the other “rules,” which no one really knows. | with a few borrowed from golf. | your partner if you say that you are “stimied,” especial | tation may be destroyed at once if you confuse ADVICE TO YOUNG CROQUET-PLAYERS. 1. Always take your own mallet to a garden party. This and then throughout the game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your own implement with you. 2. Use as many technical terms as you can, eking them out Thus it will always impress i E as she won’t know what it means. But a carefully-nurtured repu- “roquet” with ‘ croquet,” so be very careful that you get these words right. 3. Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball, and appear overcome with amazement when you miss. If you have done so many times in succession, it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground. If you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it. 4, It is a great point to give your partner advice in a loud and authoritative tone—it doesn’t matter in the least whether it is feasible or not. Something like the following, said very quickly, always sounds well :—“ Hit one red, take two off him and make your hoop; send two red towards me and get into position.” In a game of croquet there is always one on each side who gives aloha: and one who receives (and disregards it). All the lookers-on naturally regard the former as the finer player, therefore begin giving advice on your partner’s first stroke. If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her, but that is no consequence. 5. Remember that “a mallet’s length from the boundary” varies considerably. If you play next, it means three yards, if your opponent does so, it means three inches. So, too, with When in an | awkward position, the best course is to invent a new rule on the spur of the moment, and to allege (which will be perfectly true) that “it has just been introduced.” 6. Much may be done by giving your ball a gentle kick when the backs of the other players happen to be turned. Many an apparently hopeless game has been saved by this method. Leave | your conscience behind when you come to a croquet-party.

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EUROS, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 8, 1896. 4 nf qo ¢@ J NS Y / Y \\ \ \\ \\ d LOST; OR, LUCID Kind-hearted Old Gent. ‘‘ THERE, THERE, DON’T cRY ! po you Live!” Chorus. ‘‘ Boonoo! We'se Doo.ie’s Twins!” INFORMATION. Wuat ’s your NAME AND WHERE OTIUM CUM (ALSO SINE) DIG. Elderly Relative. So you have finished your first term as a public school boy, Sooner. And how do you like it? Tommy. Oh! of course it’s awfully swell, and all that, but- E. R. (surprised). But what? Don’t they give you enough cricket, eh? Tommy. Enough cricket! I should think they did. I’m perfectly sick of the game. You know all games are compul- sory, now? E. R. H’m! Well, why not? An ex- cellent thing, no doubt. Tommy. Ah! but you wouldn’t say so if you were there yourself. You can’t birds’-nest, or go rowing, or cycling, or anything else. It’s cricket — always cricket. Next term it’ll be football. I like footer now, but they ’ll make me hate it! E. R. (remembering jolly country birds’- nesting rambles when HE was a boy). It does seem a little hard. Hockey, now; they allow hockey, don’t they ? Tommy. Not they! It’s much too stun- ning a game to be allowed. {. R. (trying to recall memories of his youth). I used to like marbles, I remem- ver; and chestnuts. Tommy. Marbles and chestnuts are bad form; only the junior school play at them. E. R. (rather humbled, but trying to be cheerful). Well, anyhow, now you are at the seaside, you can go in for digging in the sands. Tommy (shocked). Digging in the sand! I don’t know what the fellows would think if they saw me with a spade. That’s bad form, too. Oh! thanks, awfull (pockets it). And—er—you won’t be of- fended, will you?—but would you mind calling me “Tom” in future—not “Tom- my”? Sounds better, you know. Aw- fully obliged! Ta-ta! [Walks off to moon about the pier | and look at other people enjoying themselves, leaving Elderly Rela- tive wondering whether boys hadn’t more pleasure when they had less dignity. A BALLADE OF LOST OPPORTUNITIES. How often it has chanced to me To be reduced to silence dead By some well-managed repartee, Whose author up to it has led. Alas! the neat retort unsaid— I think of what I ought to say Some hours afterwards in bed— The chances I have thrown away! Some more examples, two or three— The rocketer unscathed o’erhead, The golf ball foozled at the tee, At billiards the unspotted red ; The girl, with whom one thought to “thread The mazy dance,” but made delay, Snapped uP by some one else instead— The chances I have thrown away ! The sights it had been mine to see! The paths it had been mine to tread! The man it had been mine to be! The books, alone, I might have read! Alas the hours of sunshine fled, And all m | - of unmade hay! Alas! a lass I might have wed !— The chances I have thrown away! Envoi. A useless sermon! They have sped, The chances grave, the chances gay-— Few men but say, as I have said, “The chances I have thrown away!” | Royal Commission on the | penditure of India) bein, JEAMES TO THE RESCUE. [Lord WoLseLey giving evidence before the ilitary and Civil Ex- aaked “if India should ay every farthing of military,expense,’’ answered aust, “+ Yes eal the Navy, too !”’) Jzames loquitur. Percisety so! I likes his style! Harmy and the Navy! That just suits me and my hold chum, Joun Tommus hof Belgravy. We reads our Mornin’ Posteses round at the Runnin’ ’Orses, And feels hourselves a sort o’ part of Eng- land’s loyal forces. The hinfluinks hof huniform is like a fellow feelink, j It makes hus wondrous kind all round. Lord Wo.sELEy’s plump, plain dealink, Without no dabby, flabby, Labby-like hemotion, pleases me ; ; And his flat-footed style of talk consider- ably heases me. We’ve too much sloppy sentimenk a-spil- lin’ round permiskers. You’d think we wos all nussery-maids, not men with wills and whiskers. This cosmypollitan mollyslop do put me in a passion ; I slaps my hand upon my breast—that milingtary fashion Matitpa-JANE so much hadmires— and feels like a Field-Marshal ; And ditto to Lord Wotrse.zy motter! I ain’t parshal To furriners of any sort; I own it; and for niggers your true Britisher’s Black faces and slim figgers, Dark ’air and coffee-coloured heyes, may suit your Hexeter Hallers, But not Lord Sorssury and Me! I’d like to squelch the squallers Who cackle about Ingia’s rights. She’s honly what we give her; As though a place where snakes abound and a chap carnt keep no liver Wos wuth a-worritting about! No doubt they ’re sly and dodgy, Like that yA with a rum name, wich is as near Nowropcy As ain’t no matter; but, Great Scott! the Baboos and their backers, The is my [I’ve contemp. | Like Mister Carne, ain’t goin’ to best hus Britons! Firework crackers About pore Ingia and her “rights,” or Boers and theirn, is sickenin’! I think the fight ’twixt Britons and the furriners is thickenin’. drat the Dutch! Confound the the French! Flumbusticate the Ger- mans | And bust the Yanks!!! But for them cranks as spin hus soapy sermons About Baboos and other blacks, or browns, or drabs, or yallers, I ain’t a mite o’ patience with the un- | patriot fallallers ; Oh! |No more’s my friend Joun Tommus, as | | Nor yet Lord Wotsetey, hevident! aforesaid hof Belgravy, Your | black ’s a decent slavey, But for a gent, or a gent’s gent—wot | | i snarlers call a flunkey— A nigger isn’t no more ht than any coon or monkey. Pore Ingia! Bosh! Sich muck won’t . Rupees and precious stonses Is wot they roll in, J believe, spite o’ their whines and groanses, Carne’s cant and old Nowropey’s rot. Let ’em pay hup and look plesink! Them ’s Wo.useiey’s sediments, and mine ! And so no more at presink!

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Avaust 8, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary or Topsy, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, July 27. —Quite pathetic to see Squire oF woop drawn to-night into vortex of debate on Uganda. Not much of a maelstrom to begin with. Government pro to or Op Patace Yarp (late the SacE or | Queen Anne’s Gate), leaving for awhile pleased contemplation of estminster Abbey as viewed from his newly-opened conservatory windows, wants to —_ more about the railway and its prospects. If Gzorce Curzon could, on his honour as Under-Secretary of State, say there was any spect of a native Cook or an aboriginal Gaze establishing a touring company; if, moreover, he could assure the House there was on the part of the middle classes in Uganda any disposition | to be personally contateell by rail to vari- ous watering-places on the coast, and to laces of social and historic interest in- and, opposition might be withdrawn. Grorce Curzon, anxious above ll things to oblige, was not able to give this assurance. That was bad. Worse still was his assertion that the occupation of Uganda was a legacy from the late Government, and his declaration that if, regardless of possibilities of a Uganda Cook, we did not build the railway, Ger- many would. That more than the Squire could stand. Was able to bear with equanimity the charge about responsibilty for Uganda. There was the almanack to show that Lord Satissury’s second ad- ministration preceded in point of date Mr. Guapstone’s fourth, and it was under the friendly patronage of the MAarxiss, in face of strong protest by the then Opposition, that the East Africa Com- pany, moved by those purely _philan- thropic impulses avowed to-night by (Mr. Fl-v-n.) | ex-Director Burpgtr-Courts, settled in Uganda. What the Squire could not stand take second reading of Bill authorising | funds for Uganda Railway. The Propuer | Toby, M.P. (to our Distinguished Visitor from China). “‘ Sir, as one of the Celestials, your kxcel- lency’s visits must be few’ and far between. I regret your Excellency has arrived when the Season is over, and Parliament just finishing. Though, between ourselves, Excellency, as to the latter, you haven’t missed much, their performance having been very indifferent. Chin-chin !”’ 5 trowser pocket, leaving on view abundant display of Sunday eeu: in other hand sheaf of notes promising speech of hour’s duration. A moment’s pained pause; then Mr. FLAvIn’s equanimity startled by outburst of angry roar for division. When it sub- sided, a voice shod in fine rich brogue heard to say, “Well, I’m not goin’ to keep you more than ten minutes.” en minutes! Proposal enough to take away remaining breath. Ordinary Mem- was the off-hand reference to Germany. Took the Under-Secretary in his teeth, as a mastiff might take a terrier, shook him carefully, so as not to hurt him, and re- placed him on Treasury Bench. “Nice boy, Gzorcez,” he said, when the lesson was finished. “Clever and, what is more valuable in a Minister, painstak ing. Knows what he’s talking about, and | talks well. But a little friendly pawing |over does him good. Besides, what di | he mean by saddling us with Uganda?” | Business done. Quite a heap. looks | ber confronted by similar circumstances | | like getting away on 15th after all. says he won’t take more than a minute. | Tuesday.—Mr. Micuart Josgru Fua-| At most two. Micnag. Josepn, critically VIN’s maiden s not a success exactly upon lines anticipated in domestic circle. Nevertheless it proved most delightful | When roar of laughter subsided, Micnar. thing enjoyed is Session by red|commenced. His leading idea was to | House. port Stage Irish Land Bill| show that prices of agricultural products | under discussion. One amendment talked|are lower than they were sixteen years | |about for full two hours. Dinner time|ago. To that end had spent days and | i on. Debate apparently played nights sprawling over market tables. His ungry Members getting ready to| notes crowded with parallel columns of | rush through division lobbies, became con-| figures. House cheered eutatnty seious of tall figure upstanding below | when he showed how barley was so muc Gangway ; left hand gracefully reposed in| in 1880 and so much less in 1896. eyeing bulk of notes, thinks he may get y tome" in ten. This charmed House.

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72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 8, 1896. The Member for North Kerry blushed with conscious pride. House of Com- mons, after all, a body of fair men. His labour had not been in vain. “ Now oats,” he said. Tremendous cheering. Flurried by this generous applause, Micnagn J. got his oats a little mixed. Process of re-assort- ment not assisted by shouts of laughte: from Members opposite. “ Beef,” Mr. Fiavin roared, as if that were the next course, and there would b« a cut all round if Members would only | have patience. At this stage Speaker interposed ; pointed out that method of inquiry pur- | sued by Micnag. was a little minute foi the stage of the Bill now reached. That was awkward. M. J., ignorant of Parlia- | mentary prejudices, had filled his note with market prices. If they were ta- booed, there was nothing left for him Looked at his notes with rueful face, at | sight of which House went off into an other fit of laughter that threatened tc create vacancies in boroughs and countie: represented by gentlemen of apoplectic “Very well, Mr. Speaker,” said M Joseru, with voice choked by emotion; ‘“‘T will give only a few more particulars There’s butter. Now, butter is an indi rect product of the land. What was it: price sixteen years ago?” “ Agreed! agreed!” shouted Members Far above the tumult Mr. Fiavin’s voice its mellifluous tones suggestive of a moutl filled with melted butter, pealed fort! prices per pound in 1880 as comparec with these overstocked days. Merry; uproar so great it was difficult to follow line of argument. Micnag. getting a little angry. Next thing heard as he« waved his notes defiantly in face of Colo- nel SaUNDERSON was the battle-cry “ Eggs fippence a dozen.” “Will anyone shouted. Certainly not. On the contrary, cry of “Agreed! agreed!” burst forth fron all sides. That was worse than anything There would be some comfort in contra diction. If they insisted upon agreein; with him, what was the use of settin; forth these carefully collated, and, as fa: as the landlords of Ireland are concerned | damnatory figures? Still there they were and Mr. Fiavtn’s affection for them, hi: earnest anxiety that the beneficent ef fects of their companionship should b: shared by the House, was pathetic. “T am not giving these figures to sat- isfy my own curiosity,” was one of th« few complete sentences heard amid the storm of laughter. Mr. Fravin growing really angry. Had only just commenced his notes. From time to time he turned them over, evidently with desire to meet incompre- hensible but unmistakable disinclination of House to have matter enlarged upon. But could not find in his heart to omit a line. “There are pigs,” he shouted, with sweep of arm indicating the full range of crowded benches opposite. The gesture was accidental, certainly was not meant to be indicative. But these were last words of Fravin. The House roared for what seemed five min- utes, at the end of which time the SPEAKER moving ominously in his chair, | Micnart Josern abruptly sat down. Business | ting. Land Bill got through Report stage. contradict me?” he habit. done.—Another all-night sit- | Thursday.— Don Josr’s statement to- night on moving appointment of Select Committee to inquire into Transvaal Raid an object-lesson for Members and A Humble Interrogator. (Mr. M-c-l-se.) Ministers. A ticklish question; situation bristling with difficulties; a string of amendments pendant from motion Every prospect of prolonged debate ap propriating sitting allotted to batch oi useful Bills. Don Joss the centre of attention in crowded House. All the world listening at the doors. Supreme ey for oratorical display. me people, who shall be nameless, would have risen to height of occasion ; delivered oration an hour long, perhaps two. Within space of ten minutes Don Jose had finished his task. Not a word too much. Not a sentence incomplete Disarmed Opposition before opportunity was mos | to draw the sword. Po lemica! debate, the worst possible thing in delicate circumstances of the case avoided. Nearly the whole sitting save« for practical work; above all, initial stag: of delicate inquiry started free from blas' of party conflict. Business done. — Transvaal Committec ordered. Several Bills advanced. Friday.—* And they say this Govern- ment has no sense of humour!” Of course, no one had said anything of the kind. But that’s Sarx’s conversa- tional manner. Remark arose in con- nection with announcement that Select Committee on Distress from Want of Employment, under Chairmanship of T. W. Rvussent, has agreed rope rt. Anything more poignant than T. W.’s Distress from Want of Employment throughout the debate on the Insh Land Bill | have never seen,” Sark says. “ Not convenient from Government int of view for T. W. to take part in debate on subject he knows more intimately than most men in House. So they make him Chairman of this Committee.” All very well to poke fun at T. W.; misingly honest, it would be a better world to live in. He’s not a landlord, nor even cousin to a pee No slight thing for him to sacrifice Ministerial position to which he fought his way by sheer capacity. Yet he was prepared to do that rather than stultify himself. Of course, he hasn’t got all he wanted in manipulation of Irish Land Bill. But who has? As Joun Mortzy omitted to say in first edi- tion of his well-known work, “Compro- mise underlies every move in the game of politics.” Business done.—Lords read Irish Land Bill a second time. COMMON OR GARDEN RHYMES. Tue CANTERBURY BELTe | Tue poets have flowers enough to sing, Yet ever the same old chorus swell ; | Why is it they never the changes ring On the sweet and delicate Canterbury Bell ? Fair Kent with its wealth of blossom and fruit, “The Garden of England” men name right well, But the pride of Kent beyond all dispute Is the Kentish flower, the Canterbury Bell. Just one short week in the long, long year— For so brief a season it casts its spell— The crowds all gather from far and near In the close where blooms the Canter- bury Bell And the “Kentish men” and the “men of Kent,” If asked their favourite flower to tell, Alike make answer with one consent— “There is none compares with the Can- terbury Belle!” A QUESTION OF ETIQUETTE. Dear Mr. Puncu,— Knowing you to be a past master in the art of courtesy, I venture to submit the following hard case to your judgment. The other morn- ing, being a none too experienced cyclist, I ventured into the Park on my “ wheel” at an early hour, thinking to have a little practice unobserved. Judge of my horror when, as I was wobbling along, I was suddenly confronted by the Duchess of Xminster and her daughters, all expert riders! Her Grace and the Ladies Wise- acre bowed to me in the most affable way, but, afraid to leave go of the handles of my machine, I could only nop in return. And I have always been renowned for the elegance with which I remove my chap- eau! These noble ladies have since cut upon its | but if all politicians were as uncompro- me dead. I cannot blame them, but I venture to suggest, for your approval, | that the raising of the right elbow, such las is practised by coachmen, gentle and | simple, should be adopted by all cyclists. I think that I could manage the move- ment. Yours in social despair, AmeE.ius AMBERGRIS. Bayswater, Aug. 1 Dutcet LireraturE.—A novel has just appeared called A Sweet Disorder. We understand that it will shortly be followed by A Chocolate Complaint, A Toffee Tre- mens, A Rahat-lakowm Rabies, A Is- quoriwe Languor, A Candy Catarrh, A Sugar Stomach-ache, and A Burnt Al- mond Ailment, all of which works cannot fail to be highly popular with the medical profession. F

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Panis: 4 Place Vend Sole Importers: THE APOLLINARIS CO., Lro., LONDON.

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| kvausr 15, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73 | THE CANTANKEROUS CONSUMER. (‘‘ The average wife would never trouble herself to procure a order and write a letter every time she wanted farm produce. She likes better to visit a dozen tradesmen and have little Is sent to her door.” — Vide Letter to a Daily Paper.) 1. Decide to send all my vegetables, | fruit, honey, &c., in future to private | consumers . Why be under the thumb of the shop-keeper, the grasping middleman, for ever? I won't! : 2. After fearful expense in advertising, | sending round circulars, and appeals | be mew infra dig., this?) to private iends, I’ve to hook a few pro- | mises from heads of families. | 3. Find that every family likes different | things. Awfully bothering! Some like | potatoes waxy, others floury. My honey too sweet for some, not sweet enough for | others. Then the way these private con- sumers complain! “Why can’t I supply apples easier to peel—not so nobbly?” | Would mean pulling up all the trees in my orchard and planting new ones. 4. Families go away in the summer, and “don’t want any more supplies at pre- sent.” But I don’t away; and I do want supplies—o ° 5. People quite offended, I find, if I ask for “prompt remittances.” Then they ‘begin to find fault with my cauliflowers! How mean! 6. Sudden falling off in orders. Why is this? I’ve discovered reason. ne- volent railway compeny is charging 6d. extra at other end for delivery. Protests. Vague replies. No redress. Ends in my having to pay that sixpence. 7. More advertising. Who would be a farmer? Or am I a market-gardener? Don’t know—everything confused nowa- days. See the G. O. M. has been dis- coursing on joys of country life. Wish I had a jolly shop in Seven Dials, I know! 8. yee my 4 small orders. Why aren’t families bigger? Or hungrier, any- | how? Fancy having to sort out “6 new- | laid eggs a week, 2 cabbages, 2 cauli- flowers, and half a peck of peas!” Nig- gling work. And if a ‘single egg gets a broken, consumer deducts for it. *TeLL your Forrunr, Prerry GENTLEMAN ? 9. “Will it do,” asks one matron, “if I = gett Oy, ene gute a year?” Won't | . _ lo at all, “unless she can give me names ENCORE, W. G.! SEASIDE RESORTS of two guarantors, one the clergyman of | [Playing for Gloucester against Sussex at Bristol, To be avoided by Certain People. her parish.” Indignant letter back— on August 3, 4, 5, the veteran Doctor W. G. b soe “she is not a servant, and does not give | Crace scored 301 runs. } Bircuineton—by schoolboys. ; references.” Lost her! Broadstairs—by bashful young ladies. 10. Have chucked up my private fami- er ne and One, and at forty- _—— bag nestrians. Nes Geuldn’t stand them. Mach too un- eight !! orquay—by M.P.’s. | : sextel : | Well, words are used up! Be the Doc-| Swanage—by young writers to the Signet. re a ae, ane Rese aan Pe tor’s fate ; Weymouth—by lovers of sweet milk. professional ceiedien to Sfty private nig- To score, standing straight as to-day by | Whitby—by dullards. gers and naggers! the sticks, Exmouth—by shunners of ae ge rays. Six Hundred and Two when he’s ninety- | Blackpool—by indifferent billiard players. oft . OR peeneutl—ty hewy a. One Way of Looking at it. ay, by Jove, i is he s eept | Isle of Man—by New Women. _ ‘ up the fun, _ | Clevedon—by university dignitaries. PR ne 4 Well Bionar MAL ag ees He may yet score a century when he is|Clacton—by dramatic critics. dons 6. ae Holiday suit your Reineee® | one! Freshwater—by East London turncocks. gi R. Splendid. Sir! No dhanee of | | Of century-pilers the season ’s not barren, | Deal—by unlucky card-players. what you call’ bad chicks come back to There’s Anet the midget, and mighty | Trimingham—by milliners. roost from the bank on that day! McLaren, Lyme—by jerry builders. “Rana,” and Inepatz, and Girren, and ey exiles from the Rand. Trorr, Cullercoats—by jockeys. VERY LOW FORM ON THE PART OF FATHER | And several more in the Cornstalk lot ; Looe—by gamblers. , THAMES. kK ‘ Haywarp and Srorgr, and how many | Musselburgh—by weak persons. Boy (standing in mid-stream “J ew, to more ? Bray—by costermongers. boating party). "Ere yer are! ow yer | | But W. G. still keeps topmost score ; Burnham—by incendiaries. up to Richmond Lock! All by water, | | After thirty odd seasons still holds his | Ayr—by stuffy folk. 7 Sir! pat OL Boscombe—by master hair-dressers. And gives us one other true “Year of |Southsea—by promoters of bubble com-| Tas Eastern Question. —How to im- | prove the East London Water Supply. Grace!” panies. VOL. (ZI

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Ti MANU | Ne ET I int Mw al |

[Aveust 15, 1896.

Week's Calendar.] CHARIVARI. Fizture from the aig) MAU iN) LONDON Henry the Sixth, Part I., Ac ” - x Oo ° ee) 2 o = Oo uJ <r rea ve Le) 2 Wi Qa cc a = ad _ WW 2 OR THE **SALISBURY, CHEER THY SPIRIT WITH THIS!” Installation of the Premier at Dover.”’ PUNCH, Lui August 15. Jiulitti \ Saturday,

Wik il Ui ge PORTRAIT OF AN

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Aveust 15, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 5 ~~ ud " : ie 7. 4 we, “ae | ; we SS. N { % 4 eh! - / # aay, ee J ey j a Meaght® ft Di. {Sad oh ay ba - oi a3 I Ay le \\ a | iy. . . dw 6° Kwa WN" y/ aa Ng WW, \ 4 : Payal! rf ZN i) ‘ ~~ NaN ei he 2 — a oe “ny ™ hi Ra Swe _— ”“ ro THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM. THE ABOVE IS NOT A COWARDLY ATTACK UPON AN UNPROTECTED Lapy Cycuist, pur MERELY Tom GIVING His Heart's [pot HER Finst Lesson. THE WEDDING GUEST’S VADE MECUM. s Question. When you are asked to be present at a certain church and afterwards at some address, what is your first care ? Answer. To send a suitable present for the bride’s acceptance. | Q. What poem do you attribute to the word “ suitable ” ? A. By suitable, I mean a fitness for display on a table, and ry ty description in a lady’s paper. | Q. But is not your choice of a cadeau influenced by your feel- | ing of affection and esteem for the intended recipient ? A. Certainly; but as it is impossible to present anything novel, it is wise to follow the lead of the majority to avoid singularity. Q. What will be the probable result of the pursuit of this course ? A. That the bride will receive either a fifth silver card-case, . — dozen of silver fish-knives, or a thirty-third carriage- clock. Q. What will you learn when, say, the thirty-third carriage- clock has been received ? A. That the thirty-third carriage-clock was just what the bride wanted. Q. What is the characteristic of the regulation wedding present ? A. That it is contained in a case of rather disproportionate magnificence. Q. Be kind enough to give an example to more fully explain your meaning. A. A silver serviette ring embedded in rich silk and velvet, and protected from the dust by a box of Morocco. Q. If you are fairly wealthy, and sufficiently intimate with the bride’s parents to make the present, what is the best kind of gift to bestow ? A. A cheque for a substantial sum that can be expended by the young people upon something really desirable for their rew menage. with me at the Board School! the black swan? It’s a notice about birds, of course! Q. Is not every wedding present more or less useful ? A. Unquestionably; but a young housekeeper may possibly | experience some difficulty in disposing satisfactorily of (say) seventy-six pairs of silver candlesticks, and a baker’s dozen of | chiming dinner-gongs. Q. On the whole, is the custom of giving presents at weddings | commendable ? A. Yes, for whatever may be the gift, it is a token of good- will to the newly-married couple that should bring fair fortune to both donor and recipient. Q. And what may be said of the man who objects to the pleasant practise ? A. If he be wedded, that his own nuptial life must have been | a failure, and if he be a bachelor, he does not deserve to be | married. Two Governments. How Governments fare in our wisest of lands! How leaders are foiled though they ’re sages and braves! The last one was twitted with “ploughing the sands,” | The present gave promise of “ruling the waves.” But “sowing the wind” seems much more in its line, And “ reaping the whirlwind” its fate, up to now. A Cabinet great, a majority fine, With an eye like to Mars and a Jovian brow, Will surely not end in untimely self-slaughter, Or, leave, like poor Keats, a name written in water. At Boulogne. Ted (to ’Arry). What’s the meaning of “avis” on those placards ? ’Arry. There’s a question from a feller as ’as studied Latin ’Ave you forgotten all about

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 15, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hugry Bunosno Japperser, B.A.) No. XX. Mr. Jabberjce distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, but is less | successful in other respects. He writes another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he anticipates the happiest results. I am happy to announce that I have passed the pons asinorum of Bar Exam with facility of a camel penetrating the needle’s eye. Tant mieux! Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!!! My dilatoriness in publishing this joyful intelligence is due to Tol-de-rol-loll |” ** Huzza! fact that I have only recently received official information of my triumph, which my family are now engaged in celebrating at Calcutta with peans of transport, illuminations, fireworks, an English brass band, and delicacies supplied (on contract system) from Great Eastern Hotel. And yet so great was my humility that, when I entered Lin- coln’s Inn Hall one Monday shortly before 10 a.m., and received pens, some foolscaps, and a printed exam paper on the Law of Real and Personal Property and Conveyancing, I was at first as melancholy as a gib cat, and like to eat my head with despair ! So much so that I began my answers by pathetically imploring my indulgent father examiner to show me his bowels of compas- sion, on ground that I was an unfortunate Be chap, afflicted by narrow circumstances and a raging tooth, and that my entire earthly felicity depended upon my being favoured with qualifying marks. However, on perusal of the r, I found that, owing to diligent cram and native aptitude for nice sharp quillets of the law, I could floor it upon my caput, being at home with every description of mortgage, and having such things as reversions and contingent remainders at the extremities of my finger-ends. In the afternoon I was again examined in Law and Equity, answering nearly every question with great copiousness and best style of composition, quoting freely from Hon’ble Sngit and Unperaiit to back my opinion. Unhappily, I lost some of my precious time because, finding that I was required by the paper to “discuss” a certain statement, I left my seat in search of some pundit with whom I might carry on such a ° And even now I fail to see how one individual can discuss a ques- tion in pen and ink, any more than a single hand is capable of making a clap. Which I gave as my reason for not attempting the impossible. The ordeal endured for four days. In the Roman Law de- partment, I was on the spot with Stillicidiwm and similar servi- tudes, and in Criminal Law I did vastly distinguish myself by polishing off an intricate legal problem about Misters A., B. and C., and certain bicycles, though, as I stated in a iptum, not being the practical cyclist, I could not be at responsible for the accuracy of my solution, and hinted that it was somewhat infra dig. for such solemn dry-as-dusts as the Council of Legal ucation to take any notice at all of these fashionable but flimsy mechanisms. When called up for vivd voce purposes, I dumb-foundered my examiner by the readiness and volubility of my responses, to such an extent that, after = one question only, he intimated his complete satisfaction, and I divined by his smiles that he was secretly determined to work the oracle in my favour. And so I arrived at the pretty Pass by dint of flourishing my trumpet. But, heigho! some fly or other is the indispensable adjunct ‘of every pot of ointment, and while I was still qumping for joy at having passed the steep barrier of such a Rubicon, there came a letter from Miss Jzsstmina which constrained me to cachinnate upon the wrong side of nose! It ap d that, pursuant of my request, she had been to call upon Hon’ble Sir Cuztwynp, who duly informed her that I was not the genuine Rajah or any kind of real Prince, nor yet a Croesus with unlimited cash. Here, if Hon’ble Cummzrsunp had stopped, or represented me as a worthless riddance of bad rubbish, all would have been well ; but most unhappily he did exceed his instructions, and added that I was of respectable, well-to-do entage, and very indus- trious young chap with first-class abilities, and likely to obtain lucrative practice at native Bar. Jxssimina wrote that she hoped she was not so mercenary as to be attracted by mere rank, and that it was eno for her Oe ae eS eee ee her as a lady, so she would continue to hold me to my promise of i and if I still declined to perform, she would be reluctantly compelled to place the matter in hands of lawyer. On seeing that my second attempt to spoof was similarly the utter failure, I became like pig in poke with perplexity, until I was suddenly inspired by the ebullient flash of a happy idea, and taking up my penna, inscribed the following epistle : Macnanimous AND Ever ApoRABLE JEssiMina! I am immensely tickled with flattered complacency at your indomitable desire to become the bride of saab a man of straw as this undeserving self, and will no longer offer any factious —- to your wishes. ut in the intoxicating ardour of my billing and cooing I may have omitted to mention that, when I have led you to the Hy- meneul altar, you will not be alone in your glory. Asa Koolin Brahmin, I am, by laws of my country, entitled to about thirty or forty spouses, though, owing to natural timidity and econo- mical reasons, I have not hitherto availed myself of said privilege. However, when that I was a little tiny boy, I was compelled by family pressure to contract matrimony with an equally juvenile female of eight, and, though circumstances have prevented the second ceremony being celebrated on arriving at the more mature age of discretion, such infant marriage is notwithstanding the binding affair. What of it? Your overwhelming affection will render you totally indifferent to the unpleasant side of your position as a sateen or rival wife, though it is the antipode of the bed of roses, especially under internecine feuds and perpetual snipsnaps with sundry aunts and sisters-in-law of mine of rather ing idio- syncracies. But ignorance of 6 will probably blind your sensitive ears to the sneering an m ill-natured tone of their re- I can*only say that I am quite ready (if you insist upon it) to fulfil my contract to best ability, and undertake the heavy burden which Providence has, very injudiciously, saddled upon my feeble back. Mr. Cuvckersutty , of 15, Jubilee Terrace, Clapham, was present at my first wedding, and will doubtless certify to same on application. Ever yours faithfully and devotedly, H. B. J. In writing the above, I was well aware that there is a | prejudice in the mind of European feminines in favour monogamy, and my letter (as will be seen by the intelligent reader) was rather cleverly composed so as to shift the burden of breach of contract from my shoulders to hers.

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~ ~I Aueust 15, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. So that I rubbed my hands with gleeful jubilation on receiving her reply that she was astounded with wonderment at the sub- limity of my cheek in supposing that she would play the subor- dinate fiddle to any native wife, and that she communicated with Cuuckersutty Ram, Esq., and if my statement re infant marriage (which at present she o—a to be a mere proved correct, she would certainly ine my insulti er. Now as it is the undeniable fact that I was wedded when a mere juvenile, I shall save my brush from this near sha vided that Mr. Cauckgrsutry Ram has received my tip in time, and does not, like Hon’ble Cummersunp, go beyond his in- structions. But this is not reasonably probable, Baboo CuucKERBUTTY being a tolerably discreet, subtle chap. THE WATER-FAMINE. (An East-End Pastoral. Some way after Wordsworth.) Tue night was falling fast, and the stars began to blink, I heard a voice ; it said, “ D’yer want that there to drink?” And looking to the —- in the gutter I espied A little ragged girl, with a Bumble at her side. No other folks were near, the two stood there alone, The little ragged girl was aoding on the stone ; With one knee on the kerb did the grubby maiden kneel, Whilst in her tiny pitcher the trickling stream did steal. The pitcher it was small, but a precious time it took To fill it, and the portly man his head in anger shook. ‘“D’yer want that there for drink, girl?” inquired, in such a tone That the shock which shook the poor child’s heart found echo in | my own. Z Bumble’s companion war, a child with lank and towsled hair! I watched them with surprise ; they were a curious pair. THE PRACTICAL MIND. Now, with her half-filled pitcher the maiden turned away, Native (to the delight of Flora, returning with spoils from the highways But the burly Bumble spake, and her footsteps she did stay. and hedges). ‘‘Tuat LASSIE MAUN SURELY KEEP A Coo!” Down on the child he looked ; and from my shady place ornate, Bays aber the harsh working of his Sate ANOTHER ADDRESS ON RURAL REPOSE. The uttered words, I thought, of this child might bite and sting. (Not delivered. ) ow D gai “ Lapizs, Ineuis ManDARINS AND Men,——Chin-chin to you. Me feo toms pec ta aces yt a pes sndimaan: no speakee velly muchee Inglis, but have lead the velly good The cumpnys must be soft, ah, green as grass can be — of A md yo [~~ — oe ae inish divi ¥ Gland Ol at n. He tellee of the Bey eee ee please ouch Sofie as gs! plovince of Che-shir he now “a lulal man, one of the countly “ What is it that you want? To wash and make you smart, folk.” Me wishee to be that too. No lest for me, all tlavelling Or water your back qaae? That is a pretty start! chop-chop, seeing Lussian men and German men, then Flenchee- And as to drinking, lor! there no gin or beer? men in Palis, now at last Inglismen in Lon-don. No lest till me You carn’t ‘ave water if we’ve none. I think that’s pretty | getee back to Chih-li. , clear! Now all you foleign dev—I mean, foleign ples—you lush =P . , bout chop-chop all day, and you makee me lush about. Now “Tf the sun is shining ’ot, and we ain’t ’ad ’eavy rains, . Chib-li : . here in Eulove And you git cholera and things along of unflushed aie ; om eS ee roan iet adie nok pletty Why ’ope for rains, or pray for ’em like parsons. Water’s/ +, see, when me wishee lulal man, like Light Honoulable dear . My fliend, Excell Doctor Bis Manox, he lests And we can’t let our dividends run down for you—no fear! a Grom ms him Desten;:00 bs must know what is light for health. “Run ‘ome now, young ‘un. Tell yer father ’e must up and / 1, yin Chih-li we not lave about chelly blossoms and chily- ee i i le, but we That water-rate ’e shirked when the collector called to-day. santhemums so muchee as the miselable Japanese people, ’Ain’t ’ad none for a week or more, or leastways next to none? | likee flowers. And - a - be i o pte. Ieation, of _— And mother’s ill, and baby sick, and your plarnts parched by | Zmpelor. It is muchee better and countly, Jooxing & the sun ? the pletty loses and the other flowers, the gleat, gland, velly high, big tlees, and the gleen Inglis glass, than shut up in “Ah, that’s all tommy-rot, my girl! Carn’t ’elp yer, and ’cos | Cal-ton-hou-se-tel-lace, and just taken out chop-chop to see the Houses of your talkee-talkee men, and a chow-chow of stleets wy P ’Cos of our dividends, ye see! So let your flowers die! and loads. And if the baby ditto does, happeal to us is vain. There is a gleat man in Lon-don, Puycn Cuaune-Tano—he Go ’ome, and if you want to wash, scrub, drink—wy—pray for | must be a Gland Secletaly as he lites so much—and he has dlawn rain!” me in his gland, velly fine, beautiful book in a lowing boat, or % ® $ . junk, under a willow tlee. Velly nice, but “no go,” as you say As homeward through that slum I went, dry, dusty, and un- in Inglis. Now me hully away, for they takee me to go top- sweet, side Plim-lose-hill, to see the gland view of Lon-don as they That man’s harsh words I oftentimes did to myself repeat. say. Me not wantee to, likee to lest in a junk under a willow “ Water-supply? ” I muttered. “Humph! the irony is fine! tlee, but no, must go chop-chop. So I say, what you speakee I wonder, now, what I should do if such a case were mine?” in Inglis, “Ta-ta.” Tue Next Marve. or Procression.—A horse-marine on a| Latriz sy Lirmez, Ling veon Linz.—Mr. Vanpam’s latest donkey-engine. work.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 15, 1896. AMATEURS AND PROFESSIONALS. visiting). *‘ WHAT KIND O° PLAYER Caddie Is HE?” Caddie (engaged). “‘’Im? He VICTORIA ! Tue FLeer’s Messace TO THE QUEEN, Presented by Mr. Punch.) [** I am desired by the QueEN to express to the Fleet her pleasure at the epee e of the ships on the occasion of her visit to Spithead.’’— The Queen's Me ssage to the Fleet (With Punch's Apologies to Dibdin.) Wuen Britons on the mighty main Of Albion’s flag the rights maintain, What name warms heart and brightens brain ? Victoria! All sailors know when battle’s roar Sounds o’er the sea, there’s one ashore Who'll gladly con their glories o’er,— Vicroria! Jack knows whatever be his lot, Blow high, blow low, blow cold, blow hot, By one true heart he’s ne’er forgot,— Victoria! She lauds the appearance of the fleet! At her appearance all hearts beat! We'll make the welkin ring to greet Victoria! And e’en her written word hath force To warm true heart’s blood in its course ; And lips shout cheers till throats grow hoarse, Victoria! And should there come fierce foe to fight, Right to defend or wrong to right; We'll do—or die—Ma’am, in your sight, Vicroria! Jack treasures up your words of praise More gratefully than laureate lays. Heaven send you love and length of days, Victoria! Already length of days hath crowned A reign than Groreer’s grander found, As Great Exizapetn’s renowned, Victoria! And when a few more days have sped, Our royal record you will head, Outglorying the glorious dead, Victoria! Vicrorta! How each Jack Tar glows At that well-omen’d name—a rose That with uorr’s sweetest promise blows! Vicroria ! Your sailors’ lode-star, dear to them As glorious victory! Freedom’s gem ! One shout rings out from stern to stem, Victoria!!! RECKONINGS AT RYDE. (By a Fair Transatlantic.) Tat much good American will be spo- | ken undisfigured by an English accent. That yachts are small tatoes when compared with smart Seecke and notice- able head-gear. That according to the poet Burne, “ the rank may be the guinea stamp,” but a duke ’s a duke for all that. JUST PLAYS AS IF IT WAS FOR PLEESURE!” companied by the Yankee drawl of a puppaw.” That if “mummaw” knows her business it ought to be a short cry from “ Rule, Britannia,” at Ryde, to “Hail, Columbia,” in St. George’s, Hanover Square. A SAD LETTER DAY. (To my Lady of No Note.) I rotp the man to bring them me— My letters—so he brought them in. A goodly pile they were to see, A dozen quite there must have been. | | An invitation out to dine— | If I were paid, I wouldn’t go. | A flaming screed about a mine | Would I take shares ?—good heavens! No! | A friendly line or two from Nell, My sister, if the truth be told, To say that all at home are well, Save that the horse has caught a cold. And so I wandered through the heap, With keen eye searching everywhere For what, with grief profound and deep, At last I tonal out wasn’t there. That at luncheon time folks are prone | You guess, I doubt not, why it was to become crowded. That New York city is the finest place in creation, but it is hard to beat the Island as a gathering ground for the lei- sured classes. That it’s a pity that Yale boys are not in it, as the ings might be livelier. That it’s all very well to be solemn and sedate, but champagne and lobster salad don’t mix in well with bows and curtesys. The heap in vain I hunted through ? And why the day was drear? Because I did not get—a word from you. Sueeestion to Brewers. — Advertise the XXX Ray Ale. tained by inspection of barrel. A Srenocrarpner Up-to-Date. — The That it’s a pity we consented to be ac-! penny-a-linotyper. Ingredients ascer- | SUNATAMAONE TWA AO SNUNONHY JAI UMAAINOM >» “Wepre H sagt ONTHLANY ANG OFT ONIOD &.a JA Ty ATTOTAWTY wirvisy

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15, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "4 cussin’ like mad; says ’e’ll be ‘anged if ’e’s goin’ to poison isself with any more Y that trash.” In this the cook detects a slight upon her skill and discretion, and relations be- tween her and her master consequently become strainsd, so | that during the morning interview she adopts a negative, un- | suggesting attitude, which generally ends in hashed mutton and rice pudding. A MAN never realises so fully how vain and foolish he is as when he attempts to make suggestions to his cook. With an air of having devoted time and deep thought to the matter, he will a) Y pag Wf yy yf) | say she might manage to get you, say, a saucer full; but she scarcely thinks it worth the trouble, especially as French beans are very good just now. This is but a sample of the pit-falls | spread for the unhappy bachelor. As for controlling his books, | the task is hopeless. Vainly he skims the long array of items: the only solid facts he can grasp are what Mr. Mantalini called the dem totals, with this one subsidiary fact—that the baker's book always sums up to a halfpenny, and, however much you may dock this halfpenny it invariably recurs week by week, from one end of the year to the other. / | | PROPER PRIDE. ‘“WELL, NicEL, 1¥ I LET YoU STAY IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, YOU MUST BE VERY QUIET, AND NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME WHEN VISITORS ARE HERE. Do YoU UNDERSTAND?” ‘ Yes, Mummy, J UNDERSTANDS ; BUT WHEN I COMES INTO THE DRAWING-ROOM, I ARg A VISITOR!” ROUNDABOUT READINGS, Stray Norges on Women. I nAve hitherto abstained from adding fuel to the raging fires of the woman controversy, on which some of the most fantastic as well as many of the dullest intellects of the century have lately been engaged in _—s a> The whole mad business affecta me personally very little. Not having as yet led a soft flutterer to an altar, I am privileged to look upon women from a respectful distance, tempered by the necessity for a daily inter- view with my cook, and explanations to my housemaid that I am merely in quest of a boot, a slipper, or a bunch of keys, and that she need not interrupt her dusting and tidying operations in my room. My eouke tas several ways of looking at me. First is her sirloin of beef look. This implies that if I don’t have a bi joint hot, it is useless for me to expect anything cold for lun on.the following day, also it hints that, after all, servants are human beings, and want their food like the rest of us; “though er pm we could do with a pigeon-pie, if you’d prefer the roast yourself, Sir.” Next comes her mayonnaise look. This is altogether a gayer, lighter and airier look. When she as- sumes it, she has evidently made up her mind that the time has come for making concessions, for leaving the arid regions of beef and mutton, and visiting the pleasant valleys and shady groves sacred to entrées. For the mayonnaise look includes also — creme de volaille, savoury omelet, and various J ° A ruirp, and a freezing look, is the “ you wasn’t pleased with your breakfast” look. is in it a sense of injury done to the innocent, of righteous expostulation, only waiting for an opportunity to assert itself, which reduces me to a pulp. It may have happened, that arriving in the breakfast-room late, I find a kipper, a cold kidney, a hard-boiled egg. Now the cold kidney I could have endured, the hard-boiled egg I could have s+ - the kipper on a torrid summer’s day is too awful. unreluctant butler an anathema di against the tribe of kippers, and reports to the cook that “’e’s | say, “I think I have had enough of vegetable marrow. Why not |a nice dish of peas?” and the lady of the stove and apron will reply that peas have been out for ten days or more, but | that, if you give her time, and don’t mind the money, she dares But what I want to know is this: do women really control households, manage servants, restrain expenses, and pay weekly books one whit better than men? I know there is a general feeling of pity for bachelors who own houses—an implication of contempt fee men who are victimised, and twisted round little fingers, and made to pay through noses, and scandalously fleeced, while women, it is supposed, not only know by an in- stinct the wiles of the butcher, and are able to circumvent both | him and the grocer, the fishmonger, and the baker with ease and completeness, but can also keep their domestic establish- ment in a state of better organisation and working order. I have no hesitation in denouncing this as a perfectly baseless superstition. In the first am convinced that the whole business—except the chedting of books—is ridiculously easy, and in the checking of books, even a man who “failed in the mathematical part of his little go” could give the best woman a stone and a beating. And father, I incline to think that the | bachelor gets more willing work, and, on the whole, a more cheerful content, out of his servants than does a wife. For it is extraordinary how furiously and bitterly a woman resents the mere suspicion of being put upon, even to the extent of a farthing, by a tradesman or a servant. Indeed, she is apt to create for herself circumstances that warrant the suspicion, and then, with a swoop and a pounce, the whole machinery goes out of gear, and the lord and master wonders why his food falls off in merit. Yet the same an lady will cheerfully defraud a railway company or a custom-house. The Merry Swiss Landlord to the Traveller who has been Plundered. Briton, assuage this futile rage! Your curses are in vain. You vow you’ll go, but well I know You ’ll cut to come again! A Modern Paris. Schoolmaster. Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear ‘ore you, what would you do with this apple ? Brown Minimus. Please, Sir, I’d eat it before they asked for it. Mrs. Pxossyt writes to say that she can’t make out what the world is coming to? A week ago she read about horseless carriages, and now she sees by the paper that grouse are being driven. Mrs. P. sup that one of these days she will hear of men arid women riding on balloons. Tue Taoe Inwarpness or Ant.—Photographs by the Réntgen rays. Tur Correct Rerty to a Hartinc Question.—A lame excuse. Tue Prorzr Foop ron Dogs.—Whine biscuits.

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uss (Qs RACE ! ” ALLOTTED TO THEM, REMOUNT AND RETURN OVER THE FENCE TO THE WINNING Post.

AND THE RESTIVENESS OF THE HORSES COMBINE TO CAUSE ENDLESS AMUSEMENT. ® ” 2) x _o ~ x \e) = a > > c com bE 2 W = <= a 2 < a

THE UNWIELDINESS OF THE ‘‘ DUMMIES” ee —\ANt 4 \ aa w+ \ shila =fh \ Ae, os y NE ia ™ was <? 4 Ss. 4S v hit, i\| mat \ Ry H\\ the \ RIDERS HAVE TO JUMP THE FENCE, DISMOUNT, PICK UP THE ‘‘ DUMMIES

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Aucust 15, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WAR ON WIRES. (Latest Development of the Telephone.) First Voice (from somewhere). I say, how are you getting on? Second Vowe (from somewhere else). Oh, very well. Fort full of provisions, and lots of food. Hope you will get up in time to take part in the athletic sports. First Voice. Will, if we can; but fact is, the camp has had to be entrenched. The enemy are very lively. Wait a mo- ment—wanted elsewhere. Second Voice (after a use). I say, what are you doing? I have been ad- dressing you for the last half-hour, trying to attract your attention. Well, what have you to say? Do look sharp. Fact is, most of our ammunition has blown up (through an accident), and the surgeons say that the rinderpest has broken out in the cattle. What are you laughing at? Third Voice (in gruff accents). Can’t help laughing because you are telling all this to me. Second Voice (impatiently). But why shouldn’t I? Third Voice. I don’t know why you shouldn’t, only it seemed to me rather in- congruous. By all means go on. You say you have lost your ammunition and supplies. Ha! ha! ha! Well? Second Voice. But who are you? Third Voice. I! Why I am the enemy! I thought I would make you laugh! Second Voice. You the enemy! I say, it isn’t fair! Third Voice. Everything’s fair in love -_ war, and I do so enjoy a practical joke. Second Voice (angrily). It’s all very well to say that, but it isn’t gentlemanly. Fortunate for you that you are fifty miles off, or I should. punch your head! Third Voice (still laughing). You will have an opportunity, as we are advancing towards you. Your friends are utterly defeated and we are masters of the ‘eld. So you had better surrender. Second Voice. Shan’t! Third Voice. Don’t be silly! What’s the good of holding out when I tell you that we propose to surround you. You had much better give in. Second Voice. Shan’t do anything of the sort. But perhaps if you will allow us to march out with the honours of war we might see what could be done. What do you say to that? Why are you silent ? Whv don’t you answer ? First Voice (after a pause—abruptly). Here we are again! We have had no end of a battle, but once more have retaken the camp. Second Voice. But what’s become of the enemy ? First Voice. Defeated, my boy! Ab- solutely knocked into a cocked hat! Second Voice (pleased). Bravo! We are all delighted. In honour of your victory we are going to illuminate! First Voice (courteously). And we, in recognition of your relief, are letting off | fireworks! And now, to celebrate the oc- casion, IT am going to have a drink! Second Voice (hurriedly). And so am I. (Bell rings off.) Tue Heicnt or Sprcuiation.—A gen- | tleman endeavouring to open his front | HE KNEW THE CUISINE. Hungry Diner (scanning the Menu). ‘‘ Look HERE, WAITER, I'M STARVING. HAVE A LITTLE OF EVERYTHING !” Joun Lvuepock smiles at our enthusias- tic friend’s idea that the X rays are avail- able in Kodak fashion; but says nothing. “Quite enough said for one Session,” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ExtTracrep rrom THE Drany or Tony, M.P. Monday, August 3.— Rumour current observes this wise man. that Li Hune Cane is coming down to | going on a long visit to m pay visit to House of Commons. ; going about trying to borrow Réntgen | covered the broad highway leadin hotographic apparatus. Has read about | beyond the Tweed, have they so inese minister successfully operated up-| regretted coming to on by X rays for localisation of bullet | do to-night. lodged when attempt made to assasinate “ As for me, I’m Probably never since Engla Seotch Rating Bill in Com- mittee. With Scotch Liberal Members him. | point of honour to be “What I want to know,” says Sark, | Bi second reading they raised |“is what kind of a card our guileless fearsome hullabaloo designed to frighten | friend has got up his sleeve? Not going| Parsce Artuur into dropping Bil | about from Court to Court for nothing. | Session. If I could only get a sna ! the Réntgen camera as | door in the early hours with a watch key. | we might know where we are.” Prince ArTHuR seeming shot at him with | hesitate, the Scots grew more than ever prepa: die on floor of House fighting Biull. e crosses Lobb

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| said he meant to carry Rating Bill. | sternation

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 15, 1896, |

< Last week Paince ARTHUR smilingly | flight of fancy on part of that eminent n in Scottish camp. Having | threatened war they must needs carry it

| the rest. |

on. No going away for accelerated holi- day. Must stay in town and fight Rating Bill line by line. Most touching case that of Cawmeti-| present day. Due at Marienbad last) BANNERMAN. week. Friday was fixed for the great annual festival, when burgomaster and | burghers go forth to meet the personage | who has come to be regarded as the pa- tron saint of Marienbad. MELL-BANNERMAN laurel-crowned, led in procession on his arrival at Marienbad is the chief event of the season. Not able to go last week. Other Scotch Members, with almost equally urgent engagements, similarly entrap Must stay to-night ISS i\ \ ‘4 AY he \ \ Ven) rv \ \ \\WWA Wh VN “ A Nicht wi’— Cau’dwell.”’ and grind away at Rating Bill. Only man who really enjoys himself is Ca.p- WELL. Business done. Committee. Scotch Rating Bill in Tuesday.— Am often asked whether, since I was first returned to House by the Berkshire yeomen, the place has undergone marked change in character, habits, and modes of thought. Some fel- lows always talking of good old times decadence of manners in the House, and All bosh. Never knew better- mannered House than present. Indeed, of the seven I have sat in, it is distinctly the most decorous in behaviour, the most obedient to touch of hand of authority. The other day, a new Member had occa- sion to move amendment to Bill in Com- mittee. What do you think he did as a preliminary? Why, he went into a bar- ber’s shop, planked down his shilling, and had his hair curled! Sober fact this, not one of Sarx’s yarns. I don’t mention his name pour cause. The poet (not Writtam ALLAN) has somewhere remarked on pang see- ing a strong man in tears. Worse still to —7 hon. Member blushing through his curls. Take another instance that occurs to mind. The Parliament of 1874-80, which Granp Cross illumined with his presence, was given to puff itself up because of a Con- |

statesman. “T hear an hon. Member smile,” said Granp Cross, looking severely round House aie ot my body sniggered at a pcempous tit Good, I admit. Now comes Lovex, and equals it, if he does not excel it. House in Committee on Home Office vote. Loven wants to abolish privilege system for cabs at railway stations. “TI claim the late Home Secretary as a ? To see Caw-/| convert to my views,” says he. “The right hon. gentleman shakes his head. I am sorry to hear it.” Business done.— More of the Scotch Rating Bill in Committee. “What a time we are having, to be sure!” says CALDWELL, mopping Cavuston’s forehead under ‘momentary impression that that massive structure was his own. Thursday. — Sorry to hear of coldness having sprung up between one of best fellows in House and circle of old family friends. M.P. looking in one evening on way home from dinner taken in neighbourhood, found eldest daughter of house in wing-room in company with eligible young man. M.P. is the shyest, most retiring person in world. Always ready to think himself de trop. Probably not the slightest ground for sus- icion in present case. Aljl the same, .P. fidgeted about; said he had en- gagement at his club; getting late; must go. All right up to now. But it happened that in his bachelor London establish- ment, M.P. has formed economical habit of turning off electric light on leaving a room, even for a moment. His mind} still at unrest about his supposed intru- sion, he was passing out by doorway when his eye unhappily fell on electric- light button set in wall by door. In- | stinctively his hand went forth; he gave | the thing a turn, and placidly pursued his way downstairs. It was only when he | reached the hall, and heard a shriek of laughter from upstairs that he realised what he had done. “The worst of it is,” he says, in an-| guished tone, confiding his trouble to the Member for Sark, “they insist that I was vlaying a practical joke, a thing I never did in my life. Would least of all do in such circumstances. Never go near the} house any more; breaks up friendship of | long standinz.” Business done. — Lords make a begin- ning with Irish Land Bill in Committee. A few Irish Members watch debate from gallery over Bar. Amongst them the! mellifluous MurnacHan. More than ever a pity no opening for interchange of plat- form between two Honses. Might have far-reaching effect on Bill if Mr. M. were | permitted to stand at Bar of Lords, and, addressing Lorp CHanceLtor, repeat his | famous warning to Irish Secretary. Brother Geratp on Report stage of Land Bill declined to accept amendment reducing term of juducial rent from fif- | teen vears to ten. “Mr. Speaker, Sir,” said Mr. Murna- onan, “I wish to warn the right hon. cvertleman that when his message reaches Treland it will spread abroad a feeling of coasterpation.” Friday.—Sarx quite angry about what is really, after all, a small matter. Brings copy of Orders of the Day, .containing, amongst much else, journal of Committee

SSS SSS ‘Stood unrivalled up to| | |me of déar old Jonnnte Toorg in a for- jance, always said, | work, it’s another pair of sleeves. Next |added to Select Committee on ——— of Selection. Under heading Group F., appears this“entry : — “The followmg Members are removed from the | Group at the conclusion of the Dublin Cor- | poration Bill [Zords] :— Mr. Sxewes-Cox. Hon. E. 8. Doveias-Pennant.” “Why should they . ’Scusz-Cox? that’s what I want to Fnow?” says the Mem- ber for Sark, glaring at me as if I’d anything, to do with it. “All very well for Doveras. . He’s at liberty to hoist his

Setting them right on a matter of Law. (Mr. H-ld-ne, Q:C.) pennant elsewhere. But why a man should go about House in habitual apolo- getic attitude—Sxewrs-Cox this, and Sxewes-Cox that— becomes towards end of Session distinctly irritating. Reminds gotten bit of business. Perhaps you re- member how he used to put on a cotton glove six sizes too large, and when he held oat hand 'to shake that of acquaint- ‘’Scuse my glove.’ stage business. But + ome it off Committee That’s g comes to a Member gettin time I receive intimation that I have been rivate Bill, I will write back and say, ‘No ks. Pray Sxewms-Sarx.’” Business done.—Lords make an end of Irish Land Bill in Committee.

What ’s the Odds? (By a Puzzled Peruser of the Papers.) Is it Lt Hune Cuane? Is it Lt Cuunea Tone ? Is it Li Hone Tane? Which is right, which wrong? Be it tweedlédum, be it tweedle-dee, To greet hearty Li heartily we all agree!

Query, sy Ovr Own IRREPRESSIBLE Joxer (out oN Bart).—Can the captain of a steamer backing her engines after running down another be said to have a reversionary interest in an undeniable settlement ?

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Page 116

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Page 118

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ey Avoeust 22, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 85 nian Tr pnw | ih \, WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. Major Blunderbore (who has just told Our Artist a regular side-splitter). ‘WELL, THAT'S A GOOD 'UN, AIN'T IT? ANYHOW, IT’S QUITE NEW AND ORIGINAL, FOR IT WAS SAID ONLY LAST NIGHT BY A CLEVER LITTLE Girt I KNow—A NIECE OF MY OWN.” Our Artist. ‘‘Yes; 1T,’8 A CAPITAL Story!” Major B. ‘‘THEN WHY DIDN’T You LAUGH?” Our Artist. ‘‘ Because I TOLD IT YOU MYSELF ONLY LAST WEEK- AND YOU DIDN’T LAUGH!” ROUNDABOUT READINGS. Stray Notes on Women. WE appear to have decided Jast week that as regards the pay- ment of domestic bills, the ordering of servants, and, generally, the management of a household, women were, taken at their very highest point, merely equal, and not superior to men. But the highest point is naturally an exception, and I am bound, therefore, in fairness to my own sex, to assume for it a general superiority over women in these respects. It seems a dreadful thing to go about shattering idols in this way, but if you set out on an investigation with the single desire of stating the | truth, and if you happen to find an ancient, highly respected idol blocking your way, there is no course open to you except to shatter it. Lie low in the dust, therefore, oh woman- housekeeper idol, shattered beyond recall into a thousand frag- ments, not to be replaced upon your pedestal even by much | labour on the part of your blind sectaries and worshippers. | And, since the case is likely to be argued, let me adduce, as a | piece justificative, the following little household dialogue:— | Vou. CXI. I Scunz—A Morning-room. CHaracrers—Anybody’s Wife, Any- body’s Wife’s Cook. As the curtain rises, Anybody’s Wife ts discovered alone with the books. Anybody’s Wife (soliloquises). Oh dear, oh dear, I wonder if I shall ever get these sums right. Let me see, “August Ist, loin of lamb.” Now did we have loin of lamb on August Ist ? I’m almost sure it was fillet of beef. No, that was on the 2nd or the 3rd. I should have said it was July 30th, but I remember we were out to lunch and dinner then. Well, never mind. Eight and six are fourteen, and two are sixteen, and nine | are twenty—twenty—twenty-four, of course, and five are thirty- one. I wish it was thirty-six, because that’s three shillings, and much simpler. Thirty-one is—oh, bother thirty-one—it's two | shillings and—twenty-four from thirty-one leaves nine. That’s | ninepence. Why, the silly man has put down fourpence. Well, | if he will cheat himself I can’t help him. (Enter Anybody’s | Wife’s Cook, corner of apron tucked up. General air of slow stewing.) Good morning, Herpsman. These books seem very high this week. Anybody’s Wife’s Cook. Indeed, mum. All I can say is, I do my best to keep ’em down; but there’s a lot of us to feed, and the boy is a very free eater, a reg’lar gorger, I call ’im. ’E bust two of his buttons orf of his jacket agin yesterday, after dinner. So I says to ’im, “Groner,” I says, “you are not doin’ fair by your Christian ‘ome. I like to see a young boy enjoyin’ ’is food,” I says, “but you are outragis; there’s no two word about it, you are outragis.” ’E seemed moved, but I know ’e ll be at it again, to-day. A. W. But all these groceries, now. The tea and sugar come to a very heavy sum, and the cream A. W. C. Ah, I thought you’d remark on the cream, mum. | That ’s Master Artnur and Miss Auice. They will ’ave their cream, and if I don’t give it ’em they come canoodlin’ about the | kitchen till I’m wild, and then I ’ave to give it to ’em. But, lor, it’s a pleasure to see them blessed dears lappin’ it up so sweetly. I ’aven’t the ’eart to say no to ’em, bless their pretty | faces, but I says to ’em, “ Master Antnur,” I says, “and Miss | ALICE give over now, do; your Ma won’t like it when she comes to know”; but them two only laughed and went on lappin’. A. W. I must speak to them again. I can’t have them going on like this. But how about the tea? A. W. ©. 1 didn’t know the tea was partikler ’eavy, mum. | But then you’ve ’ad a lot of company in the afternoons, and that runs away with the tea. A. W. Well, well, I suppose it’s all right. What about to- night’s dinner ? A. W. C0. I’ve put down a clear soup and fried sole—— A. W. Oh, your master said he wouldn’t have any more soles. He’s tired of them. A. W. C. Well, let’s try whitings. We ’aven’t give ’im whitings for a week. A. W. No, whitings won’t do. Isn’t there any other fish ? A. W.C. Of course, there’s plaice, or smelts. A. W. (in despair). We'll have smelts—no, we can’t have smelts. It must be plaice, and he can’t bear plaice. Never mind, he ll have to have plaice. I can’t invent a new fish for him every day. A. W. C. (respectfully). No, mum. ; A. W. (reading from Cook’s slate). Cutlets, roast chicken and tongue, cabinet pudding. Yes, that ’ll do, cook, thank you. But we really must try to get the books down. A. W.C. Yes, mum. There was another thing I wanted to tell you, mum. Master Artaur’s dog came rampagin’ into the kitchen, yesterday, and broke two of the best dishes of that set you bought last month. [Scene closes in gloom and lamentation LAPSUS CALAMI ? Dear Mr. Puncu,—Your intelligent correspondent, who was good enough to report, under the heading “ A Modern Paris,” a painful interview which occurred between myself and Brown mini- mus, asserts that I mentioned Diana as a likely candidate for the Ribstone pippin. Do you imagine, Sir, that I should have been so moonstruck as to substitute the chaste huntress for the queen of learning—Minerva, Pallas-Athene ? The next time that the writer aforesaid lurks under my schoolroom window let him know that a long arm is waiting for his short-hand. Your obedient servant, Nicnoias Nissiecmick, D.D. Flankum College, August 17. Or a roretvine Naturg.—Aset, the cricketer, always uses cane-spliced bat.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avausr 22, E you A TOAST THAT EVERY Goop CRICKETER MAY JOIN IN— “THE THREE F’S.” Mr. Punch, the Universal Umpire (addressing Dr. Gr-ceand Messrs. Ab-l and Tr-tt). “‘ Now, GENTLEMEN ALL, I'LL GIV ‘Farr Pray, Farr Pay, AND FRIENDLINESS !’’ q | AK ANT) AS sh NN NNT =a NN i) ee A sn ele r BP) \ 4 pe | » ge e ~~ ; 3, > am AIK ws ed

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Aveust 22, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. “THE THREE FS” (Of Cricket). A Bie Maton anp a Bie Morat, “ the professionals) put forward their | (‘They (the p a 2 _ - laint in a manner was more awk- wana oh a were properly made to withdraw it but it cannot be denied that there | was was aan my fh Rd for their grievance. When | | 40,000 go to s- » a match, and Rey — ‘or 80 doing, ' it is only natural the crack | English bowlers and outs, who were as much a part | | of the attract’ n as the well- paid Australians, should think uney were worth something more i the regulation ten pounds.’’— Zimes.} Mr. Punch, Universal Umpire, loquitur :— Hanps all round, gentlemen all, | Kings of the Bat and lords of the Ball! Union must reign at the wicket! | ’Gainst sordidness, stinginess, and strife, | Our mone must ever be “War to the temper In the ~_ of “Glorious Cricket.” All’s well that ends well! A bravely- fought match, | Well at by Ase.’s remarkable | You'll stick to that ball, eh, my Bossy ?— | Talk on the game, of its turns, of the weather, | Was eager wherever men muster together, From tavern to Parliament lobby. Would Grace win the toss? Would he take “first knock ” ? | Would ed play? It was rather a —— ‘the Middlesex marvel stood out of it | Would ane Randi Ju-Pla. at that question indulged in a smile. *Twas a bowler’s match, there’s no doubt of it. Grace won’t pile three hundred and one on this pitch ; But his twenty-four in fair promise is rich, And as hard as a hundred to tottle. F’en slashing Wywyarp can’t “keep ’em alive,’ And a first innin Doesn’t send a century total of one-four-five land’s heart to her throttle. More questions now! Will the Corn- 8 pass England’s score?—which is not very bumping, alas! Why, Irngpate and DaR.ine may top it! Seventy-seven the two! Quite a nice ittle lot! But then HEARNE and Pret seemed to set up a “rot,” And their captain himself cannot stop it. Have they “found a spot”? Hgarne bowls Grecory—One! And Donnan’s down—Ten! and Pz. keeps up the fun— Which unto “Trortr’s Lot” is not funny. y a shilling | | | | One hundred and nineteen! Elate is the | | Of the ae who feels And wef back Gracr’s money ! But Grace down for nine, and the Black | Prince for two!! e. LO a o) , RN is era WWanurssy wi \ Mf As MW WE if 1 Mf iad We - | l// / \/ | ‘> » a neg "1,! I | / ' / Fe Lp YoU GENTLEMEN LIKE TO LOOK AT THE OLp Cuurcn ?” “Ho, Yus. We're Nuts on OLp Cuvncues aa All out Eighty-four!!! Now our Briton | looks blue. - The ee will They ’ll just win the rubber. Grorce LoHmMann Should favour a split, right in face of the foeman!” A grumbler misfortune soon dashes. But oh, that third day!!! Oh, Jack Hearne!! Oh, Bos Pere!!! Our — delight finds full vent in a collar those A pity squeal. Trotr and Trumsiz are all-of-a-trem- ble! Crem Hii is an aspen! They take it like men, But—Bos Ase. catches McKissin !—and then Our Briton his joy can’t dissemble. “ twenty-six 0! the rubber match won by a good sixty- men—ah, for Just six! ow = we expected the sorest of | Hooray for Grace, Ase. ! Peet, Hearne ad F ae. , Beerybody I] won for Ra Trumpiz & Co. Ah, You know the old | And ‘the shout of the old Surrey Babel ! Gentlemen all, amateurs, pros, Coleeaaee Croesus, ow Paid Papen or—takers of exes. Is this a game Britons wish to be fought Like strikes and lock-outs for mere money ? whose cash-box o’er- The thought A cricket enthusiast vexes. Yet who makes the game? Not the | Players alone, Nor the Amateurs only. Together | they’ve grown, | Mynn and Pucu, Watxer, Jvrr, | Grace and Angv. “ Fair Play, Fair ~~ ——r That’s Punch’s The cricket “Three vos which our hosts cricketing os — in firm strands like a |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 22, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunesno Janserser, B.A.) No. XXI. Mr. Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood. Berne (to my best of belief) satisfactorily off with the old love, I naturally became as playful as a kitten or gay as a grig. For the most superficial observer, and with the of a naked optic, could easily discern the immeasurable superiority of Miss ** A Royal Command from the Queen- Empress.’ Wee-wee to Jzssrmina in all the refinements and delicacies of a | real English lady, and although, up to present date, the timidity | of girlishness has restrained Miss ALLBUTT-INNETT from recipro- | cating my increasing spooniness, her parents and brother are of | an overwhelming cordiality, and repeatedly mention their ardent | hope that I may become their guest up in the hills some time this autumn. | So that Hope is already recommencing to hop jauntily about the secret chamber of my heart. For, seeing the magnanimous contempt for the snobbishness of chasing a tuft that actuates their bosoms, I am no longer apprehensive that their affection for this present writer will be at all impaired by the revelation that he is merely a member of nature’s nobility. Rather the contrary. As Poet Burns remarks with great truthfulness, “ Rank is but a penny stamp, and a Man is a Man and all that.” Neverthe- less, for the present, I am resolved to remain mum as a mouse. Since I am now in their pockets for a perpetuity, I was privi- leged on a recent evening to escort the ALLBUTT-INNeETT ladies to the Empire of India Exhibition, upon which I shall now pro- nounce the opinion of an expert, though s forbids me to describe its multitudinous marvels, save with the brevity of a soul of wit. In the Cinghalese Palace we beheld a highly pious Yogi from Ceylon, who had trained himself to perform his devotions with one of his legs embracfhg his neck, or walking upon the caps of | his knees with his toes inserted into his waistband. But I am not convinced that such a style of prayer-making is at all supe- rior in reverence to more ordinary attitudes, especially when exhibited publicly for an honorarium. I feel proud to narrate that, at Miss Wxs-wee’s urgent en- treaties, | subdued my native funkiness so far as to make the revolution of the Gigantic Wheel, in spite of grave coeeien sions that it would prove but a house of cards, or suddenly be- come totally immobile—though to pass interminable hours at a lofty attitude with such a lively companion might, on secondary thoughts, have possessed pleasing saccharine compensations. Nevertheless, I was relieved when we descended without having | hitched anywhere, and I did most firmly decline to fly in the face of Providence for five shillings in the basket of a captive balloon. The Indian street is constructed with cleverness, but gives a very, very inadequate idea of the principal Calcutta thorough- fares; moreover, to cultivated Indian intellects, the fuss made by English ladies over native artisans and mechanics of rather so-so abilities and appearance seems a little ludicrous! After dining, we witnessed the Historical Spectacle of India in the Empress Theatre, and Miss Wez-wee made the criticism that the fall of Somnath was accomplished with a too great facility, since its so-called defenders did lie down with perfect tameness and counterfeit death immediately the army of Sultan Maumup galloped their horses through the gateway. But this appeared to me rather a typical and prudent exercise of their discretion. It seems—though (in spite of extensive historical researches) I was in previous ignorance of the fact—that Sultan Manwmoup, the Great Mogul Agar, and Stvast the Mahratta Chief, were each taken in tow and personally conducted by a trio of Divine Guides, respectively named Love, Mercy, and Wisdom, who came forward whenever nothing cf consequence was transpiring, and sang with the melodiousness of Paradisiacal fowls. As for the representation of the Hindu Paradise, I shall con- fess to some disappointment, seeing that it was exclusively re- served to military masculines—the more highly educated civilian | class of Baboos being left out of the cold altogether! Nor am I in love with a future state in which there is so much dancing up |and down lofty flights of stairs with terpsichorean energy, and | manceuvring in companies and circles with members of the softer sex. Asa nhilosophical conception of disembodied existence, it is undeniably deficient in repose, though perhaps good enough for ordinary fighting chaps! | I spent a rapturous and ripping evening, however, tly owing to the condescension of Miss Wrz-wkr, who exhibited such entertainment at my comments that I left under the con- | fident persuasion that I was infallibly to be the favoured swain. | On returning to Hereford Road, I found a last letter from | Jessimina, beseeching me, for the sake of “Old L yne,” to | meet her on the following evening at Westbourne P; Station, and mentioning that certain events had occurred to change her views, and she was now only desirous for an amicable arrange- ment. Accordingly, perceiving that I had no longer any reason to dread such an encounter, and not wishing her to peak and pine through my unkindness, I wrote at once accepting the rendez- vous. When I duly turned up, lo and behold! I found she was es- corted, not only by her eagle-eyed mother (Jesstmina herself inherits, in Hamlet’s immortal phraseology, “an eye like Ma’s, to threaten or command ”), but also by a juvenile individual with a black necktie and Hebrew profile, whom she formally intro- duced to me as Mr. Sotomons. Though a little hurt by this proof of the rapidity of feminine fickleness, I began to congratulate her effusively on having ob- tained such an excellent substitute for my worthless self, and to wish the happy couple all earthly felicities, when she explained that he was not a fiancé, but merely a sort of friend, and Mrs. MANKLETOW severely added that they had come to know whether I still declined to fulfil my legal contract. Naturally I made the answer that I had recently offered to fulfil same to best ability, but that, my offer having been de- clined with contumeliousness, the affair was now on its end. Here Jesstmrna said that she had of course refused to marry a man who declared that he was already the owner of a dusky pews, but that, on inquiries from Mr. Cuuckersutry Ras, e had made the discovery that my said infant wife had popped off with some juvenile complaint or other three or four years ago. At this I was rendered completely flabaghast—for, although the allegation was undeniably correct, I had confidently hoped

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= Ft Ta eiet Avaust 22, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89 TD al FIN-DE-SIECLE LUXURY. { odin jj uly Tue NEw “‘Lounce ok ‘ Easy” CHAIR, JUST THE VERY THING AFTER A LONG, HOT, WEARYZDAY IN THE CITY OR ELSEWHEKE, THE MERE ACT OF THROWING THE HEAD BACK SETS THE WHOLE APPARATUS WORKING ; BY TOUCHING A STOP THE SrrayYinG oF SCENT, THE FANNING, THE Music, THE EvEcTRic LIGHTING, &C., CAN BE TURNED OFF AS DESIRED. [ You touch the Knob, the Chair does the rest. that my friend Ram was unaware of the fact, or would at least have the ordinary mother-wit to refrain from blurting it out! “Et tu, Brute!” But I must make the dismal confession that my friends are mostly a very fat-witted sort of fellows. Que faire?—except to explain that my melancholy bereave- ment must have entirely slipped off my memory, and that in any case it had no logical connection with the matter in hand. Then Mrs. MaNKLETow inquired, would I, or would I not, marry her illused child? and stated that all she wished for was a plain answer. I replied that it was a very natural and moderate desire, and I was prepared to gratify it at once by the plain answer of—Not on any account. Whereupon Mr. So.tomons stepped forward and politely handed me a folded paper, and, observing that he thought there was no need to protract the interview he lifted his hat and went off with the ladies, leaving myself upon a bench endeavouring to get the sense of the official document into my baffled and bewil- dered nob. Eventually I gathered that it was a Royal command from the Queen-Empress, backed by the Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain, that I was to enter my appearance in an action at the suit of Jemima Manxuetow for a claim of damages for having breached my promise to marry |! No matter! Pugh! Fiddle-de-dee! cares P Having successfully passed Exam, and been called to the Bar, Iam now an amicus curia, and the friend in Court. I shall enter my appearance in the forensic costume of wig and gown. will be the price of the plaintiff’s pleadings then, Madams ? THE NEWEST BALLAD OF EAST AND WEST; Or, The Grand Old Man and the Grand Old Mandarin. [‘‘ Unexpected circumstances have brought me to England, and‘I should reproach myself if I did not make an effort to procure the privilege of seeing such a celebrated statesman of the present century.”"—Zi Hung Chang’s Letter to Mr. Gladstone.) Oa, East is East, and West is West, as Kipiine once did say, But when two Grand Old Statesmen meet they must find a lot to say. Though England is England, and China is China, let latitude go hang ! It were worth a walk to o'erhear the talk of Giapstowg and Li Howe CHANG. * Never mind! Who . The Loenging Coat and the Yellow Jacket each other may much ume, When the Harwarden recluse doth hob-a-nob with the Lord of the Peacock Plume. Will the good old Chinese catechism the G. O. M. be poured on? And what will they eay, in a friendly way, of the hero, Chinese Gorpon ? Chin-chin! Chow-chow! Topside galow! Conventional patois patter! No pigeon-English may serve these two for a cosmopolitan chatter. Great Li is a citizen of the world, as Gotpsmita would have sai And the hopes and fears of sixty years are stored in that good, grey head. The celestial may “blow his cloud,” and the Liberal chief may not ; (His clouds are emitted in speech, not smoke, as the mandarin well may wot.) No doubt the two will survey mankind from China fees For tongues will wag when a Grand Old Mandarin visits a Grand ld Man! Will the great ex-Minister teach L1 Hune how to buy torpedoes —cheap, From the British Arsenal? A “tip” that would make Li’s stout heart leap. Will he tell him w thusiasts shout ? And whether ’tis moral force or the sword is to bring that boon t “ Arbitration” means, for the which en- about ? And will Li Hune teach the Liberal chief what Conservatism signifies When ’tis of the right celestial tap which his land’s long record dignifies ? And will they agree that your true To-ree is found out Pekin way That an old bone-shaker’s a “scorcher” compared with a “Cycle of Cathay ” ? 7 * 7 es . Oh, East is Kast, and West is West, as Rupyarp did remark, And England compares with China as a Great Liner with Noah's Ark ; But there is no East and there is no West when, in cordial chin-chin, In Hawarden’s halis the Grand Old Man meets the Grand Old Mandarin! In a Public-house. Toper (reading from newspaper). “The Prince of Wares has left London for Homburg to drink the waters.” There ’s taste for yer! Another pint of old and mild, please, miss. Tae Man wHo xgNJoys oT1tum cum p1G.—The day-by-day gardener.

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** JusT LOOK WHAT YOUR ‘‘On, THE DEARS! Ou, I aw so sonny! Now, Tom AND Harry, SAY HOW SORRY YOU ARE, AND Mr, LAMBOURNE WON'T MIND! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aveusr 22, 1896. SUNDAY FOOTBALL. SoYS HAVE DONE To MY Hat, Mrs. Jungs!” ” Sir John Eberett Millais, President of the Royal Academy. Born Jung 8, 1829, Diep Aveusr 13, 1896. \ combination, and a form, indeed, Where every god did seem to set his seal, To give the world assurance of a MAN. Hamilet, Act II1., Se. 4. At last Death brings his Order of Release, And our great English painter lies at peace, Amidst a nation’s sorrow. A man in heart and Art, in soul and frame, By love encompassed, and secure of fame, Through history’s long to-morrow. The world seems greyer, gloomier, far less young, For loss of him, the free of touch and tongue, Nature’s own child in both. By glowing canvas or by rushing stream, With brush or rod, he was no thrall of dream, Feebleness, fad, or sloth. Fresh as the morn, and frank as noon’s full flush, In friendship as in Art, with speech or brush, Health, heartiness, and power Were his, from earliest critic-chidden days, To that fine prime when universal praise Hailed genius in full flower. Men loved the man, and Art the artist crowned. The brush that pictured poor Ophelia drowned In young pre-Raphaelite days, Glowed with a virile vigour and sweet charm Too masterful to take abiding harm From mere mimetic craze. English he was, and England best inspired His skill unfailing and his toil untired. On his strong canvas live Her loveliest daughters and her noblest sons, All that to a great age, which swift out-runs, Its greatest glories give. And he among those glories takes high rank. Painter more masterly or friend more frank Its closing scarce shall show. Our good, great Mriiais gone! And yet not dead! His best lives on, though that worn, noble head In rest at last lies low! A LITTLE HERO. [Leonarp SreExe, aged sixteen, a moulder, of 14, Gibbon’s Road, Strat- ford, hearing that a little boy, named Bartrum, bathing in a very dangerous part of the Lea, was drowning, dived for him three times, and at the third attempt recovered the body, which was embedded in the mud. Asked by the coroner if he had saved any lives from that river, he answered simply, “‘ Yes, Sir; I have rescued four from this river, and altogether I have saved seven.””} Szven lives saved, and at sixteen years old! That moulder lad has a heart of gold. A boy of mettle, and all must feel He lends a new meaning to “true as Steere”! Who holds such a record, ere reaching a score, Deserves the gold medal—and something more. From the “‘ Royal Humane” he the medal may gain ; But what will they add who are rich and humane ? A Bona Five Travevier’s Succrstion.—Is it not a waste of nomenclatural force to have a “Lord Warden” (of Cinque- orts) at Walmer, and also a “ Lord Warden” (Hotel) at Dover? Yhy should not the latter, belonging as it does to the “ Gordon Hotels Co.” (and doing credit to the proprietors in its recon- are and in its cuisine), be called “The Lord Gordon otel” ? =a ——=~-=:

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avousr 22, 1896. UN sl S— > = - —- A TURKISH BATH. Suttan. “ THEY GAVE IT ME PRETTY HOT IN THAT ARMENIAN ROOM! BUT—BISMILLAH ! THIS IS——PHEW !!” [The Porte now realises the gravity of the situation in Crete.— Daily Paper.)

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| Aveusr 22, 1896.] | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PEACE CONGRESS OF THE NEAR FUTURE. (Prophetic Report—in advance—by Our Special at the Seat of War.) Tue last meeting of the Friends to Universal Fraternity has now been held, with not altogether decisive results. From an early hour in the morning the Third French Section had occupied the first floor of a house adjoining the Hall of Congress, and were evidently on the look out for their compatriots. At eight o’clock the Second Section arrived in Langham Place, and commenced a desul- tory fire, which was speedily suppressed by the police. At ten the doors of the Congress Hall were tried, but found to be locked, the roprietor having lodged overnight a ormal objection to the employment of artillery within the walls of the building, which objection it had been found impos- sible by the committee to entertain, or, indeed, to treat with the slightest atten- tion. Under these circumstances, the owner had considered himself justified in intervening on his own » with the result specified. Prevented from taking possession of the premises they had hitherto occupied, the various foreign delegates sought occupa- tion elsewhere. The Swiss, led by a bugler, proceeded at a steady trot w Portland Place, and arriving at Par Crescent, deployed, and opened fire on the Italian Section, which were said to be in echelon in Upper Wimpole Street. Again the police expostulated, and the Swiss (at the double) “moved on” to the MiWhile tha ‘taking place the Dutch ile this was taki e made a descent upon Cevendish uare, with a view to looting a well-known k. Fortunately, the constable on duty was able to deal with the matter satisfactorily, and, with the assistance of a colleague, promptly conveyed the rioters to the nearest station-house. The great question of “ Enforced Friend- | ship” was now occupying the serious at- | tention of the German delegates and the Second and Third Sections of the French. | The cpposing forces faced one another— the first drawn up at Oxford Circus and the others at Place. The ser- vices of two buglers (belonging to the Norwegian branch) having been secured, the order to sound “the charge” was iven. Immediately the rivals fixed their ayonets and rushed towards one another. Soe —_ wy a wens’ a mua in Pp clothes (who happened to ing) showed wonderful tact and Gecvttion Raising his arm, he stopped the traffic at Mortimer Street, and for the moment the threatened collision was averted. The would-be rioters halted, and singing re- p+ pd Og ag ell gg * Die am n,” in 0 site directions. —_ — It was now noon, and the remainder of the delegates — Italian. Swiss, Austrian, Russian, Polish and Danish—were busily blazing away at one another in Regent Street. In spite of the efforts of the by- standers, it was impracticable to cause them to desist. It was felt that until the stock of ammunition was exhausted, it would be useless to expect a cessation of hostilities. It is satisf: , however, to note that hitherto—th no doubt, wildness of the firing—there has been no casualty. to the | address me as ‘old chappie. WANDERINGS IN THE VACATION. | The Worthy Pedagogue takes steps to procure a | second pupil. He finds Octavius lacking in | veneration, and reluctant to receive informa- | gha tion anent the Wardenship of the Cinque-ports. | Now that we are in the midst of the| holidays it is my desire to find a compa- nion for the dear pupil already intrusted © my -—-. I purpose % move my ace to place, giving, as alon: i apuation peal at with p aaa Following the plan pursued with so much success by my revered father in the past, I hope to feather my own nest while fill- ing the heads of the young with know- ledge and pleasing fancies. This desire is abno y strong at the present mo- ment, because my pupil of to-day—my solitary charge—is a little too much for me. e is a thoroughly good boy, but is lacking in reverence, and it has oc- curred to me that had he a companion who held me in proper respect the result in what ; increase phrenologists would call his “organ of would be a distinct veneration.” “My dear young friend,” I said, the other day, “now that you are at Dover, it would be as well that you should learn the history of the Cinque-ports. You n‘ust know $ “Walk up ladies and gents and see the live lions stuffed with straw, and you don’t pay nothing for reserved seats if you keep your dirty boots off the cushions of the carriages,” he interposed. “Now, really, my dear young friend,” I sumbatiented, “you seem to be straying from the subject. According to the newspapers—the customary source of public information—I find that no less a person than Lord Sa.issury has recently accepted the Wardenship of the Cinque- ports. This, you must know, is a posi- tion of great dignity, dating from a time prior to the Norman Conquest. You must know that when Epwarp the Con- fessor granted “*Ouwi,’ said he, knowing the language, and he gave a bit of sugar to the bird,” once rore interrupted Octavius. “It’s no use jabbering like that, old chappie, for all the tickets are gone and they have had to sell the perambulator.” “Again I must insist upon your cour- teously give me your attention. And here I must point out to you that as I am your pedagogue by position, and many years your senior, I cannot permit you to “Well, venerable cockolorum, or noble less,” which, without approach to imita- sportsman, or my pal from over the 4 wrong side of the water. I ain’t proud— no, not me—so take your choice, you frivolous yo whelk, and keep the pot a-boiling to tune of ‘Judy Calla- nr. Finding that it was impossible to carry on the conversation further with any | sense of dignity after being addressed as | “a frivolous young whelk,” I gave him my blessing and silently withdrew. And ha’ written thus far, I enclose my card, which shows me to be, Mr. Bartow true Youncer. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, In Scarlet and Grey is an admirable title for Mrs. Hennirker’s series of sto- ries (JoHN Lang), since it does not appear to have anything particular to do with the stories themselves. Another and more | important peculiarity of the volume is | that these stories do not form a collection | of unconsidered trifles rattled off for the | magazines. Each one has a carefully- constructed plot. Through each the cha- racters live and move like human beings, and throughout is a pure, strong, literary style, a comfort in these days of slipshod writing. My Baronite cares least of all |for what Mrs. Hennixer doubtless chief- ly prizes, the story written in collabora- tion wi Mr. Tuomas Harpy. Mrs. | Henniker is strong enough to walk by | | herself. Her freshness, originality, and unaffected pathos are t left to work out their own creations. Where all |are good, it is difficult to bestow the m of excellence. Possibly Dickens | would have preferred “Bad and Worth- tion of his style, is much in his mood. The incident of the dis and dis- missed private soldier stripping himself in the snowstorm to shield from the blast the waif child he had found in the drift, | is finely conceived and exquisitely told. “At the Sign of a Startled Fawn” is an old, old story re-dressed with the grace of apparently artless—really artful—literary style. Actor-managers in search of mate- rial for a play with a strong character art are recommended to study “A Page rom a Vicar’s History.” In Scarlet and Grey is far away the best collection of short stories recently published. Tue Baron. THE SONC OF HYBRIAS THE CRETAN. (Up-to-date Version.) My wealth ’s few cattle and little land, Taxed by the heavy Musselman hand, Whereto I have to truckle. What use to plough, to reap, to sow ? Against the Turk I would strike my blow. y brand to belt I’ll buckle. Wiseacres say I should not wield A massy spear, a well-made shield ; Nor to draw the sword! Oh! would those heartless, distant drones But had to bend their marrow-bones To the Turk as king and lord! Games aT woicn Li Huno CHane seems HARD TO BEAT.—Consequences, Patience, and Bluff. Mem. To cerTAIN Proressionats.—Mr. Punch likes to hear of cricketers going on strike. Only let it be with a bat. Travur Dirsomania.—Overbathing at the | seaside.

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94 Angus, ‘‘ Eu, MAN, THAT WASS A SPLENDID Cop! Mr. Smith Bauldry. ‘‘ Messe, MAisrer SMUTH, IF WE WAD HAVE HAD A DRAM AFORE YE WAS8S LETTIN’ DOON YER LINE, WE MICHT HAVE from Glasgow), GRAPPIT THAT MUCKLE Fusn !” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MISSED ! ly WE HAD GOTTEN THAT CoD NOO, WE MICHT HA’ BEEN HA’AIN’ A Dram.” ‘‘ INDEED, AND YE WOULD, ANGUS.” [Aveusr 22, 1896. THE COMING COMMISSARIAT. [A leading Supply Store in London notifies that it is unable to procure any good Cheshire cheese, so has been compelled to take the article out of its list.] Time—The end of next Century. Scene—‘‘ The Pan-London Stores,” the only Shop left in the Metropolis, which has swallowed up the others ; covers two square miles, and sells everything. Returned Colonist (to Store-warden, answering to prehistoric Shopman, seated in comfortable automobile arm-chair behind counter). I want.some good English apples, please. Store-warden (astonished). English apples! I should advise (jocosely) a visit to the South Kensington Natural History Museum. They may have some imitations there—in wax. R. Colonist (abashed). Oh, it doesn’t matter at all. Er— Kentish strawberries. How much are they a pound? S. Warden. I should think a pound might purchase one Kent- ish strawberry. The species is almost extinct in fruticulture. R. Colonist (to himself). Dear me! seems! (T7'o him.) What is grown in Kent, then? S. Warden. Nothing at all, I believe. It has reverted to its original condition of a weald, or forest-clad tract. R. Colonist. Well, there’s another thing I want; some Bass’s pale ale. S. Warden (staggered). Bass! We have no such name on our list. Try our Sibero-Manchurian Kola-beer instead ? R. Colonist. Not if I know it. I suppose at any rate I shall be safe in ordering a joint of Southdown mutton ? S. Warden. The last joint I heard of was sold about fifty | years ago R. Colonist (roused at last). Then may I ask if you sell any earthly thing that is home-grown ? S. Warden (puzzled). Home-grown? I don’t recognise the adjective. R. Colonist. English! Do you sell anything English ? S. Warden (in wild surprise). Oh, dear me! Nothing at all. We gave it up nearly a century ago. But I can strongly re- commend our special line in cheap condensed Tierra-del- | Fuegian Devonshire cream. [Left recommending. How well-educated he | 7 - 'MR. BRIEFLESS CORRECTS A CLERICAL ERROR. Now that the Long Vacation is at hand I have time to discuss matters with my admirable and excellent clerk, Portineron, which are not solely connected with the affairs of my clients, or rather the affairs of those they most efficiently represent. “Portineton,” I said, the other day, after disposing of a month’s accumulation of circulars, “I have seen it declared in the daily journals that barristers’ clerks are too zealous in securing their masters’ fees. Will you kindly give me your own experience.” “Certainly, Sir,’ returned my conscientious assistant. “Speaking for you and myself I can say that I scarcely ever visit the solicitors to ask for money.” “T am glad to hear you say so,” I replied, “ because nothing | would cause me greater annoyance than to hear that you had been too pressing on my behalf.” “ Aware of that fact, Sir, I have not made up your fee book | for no end of a time. I felt that you -would wish me to treat | the collection of fees with the utmost latitude.” “T am pleased,” I replied, with a wave of my hand. “ And now, Portrneton, I have but one question to ask. You see that | it is proposed to abolish the fees of barristers’ clerks. What do you say to this?” “Tt seems to me very unjust, Sir, speaking on behalf of iny colleagues.” “Yes, yes, I quite understand that. But I do not wish you to give an opinion in general, but one in particular. Take your own case; if the fees hypothecated to you attaching to my briefs were abolished, would you lose much?” “Well, Sir,” returned Portincton, after some hesitation and | consideration, “I really do not think I should lose anything | at all.” And after mature deliberation I am inclined to believe that PortINGTON’s computation is absolutely correct. (Signed) A. Brieriess, Juntor. Pump Handle Court, August, 1896.

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1896.] Aucust 22, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 95 SPORTIVE SONGS. An Unprotected Bachelor craves for quarter on his Travels. I muet you wheresoe’er I stray, At ev’ry turn you cross my way, You wake me at the break of day, You haunt me in the shade of 1 night. In vain from you I try to rn = ws Soe .~ still are nigh igh stretching ©, on moun Vou presence fills me with nan high I fled from Spa because of you, At Basle once more you came in view, At Homburg, Ems, Lausanne, Beaulieu, And Trouville you were on my trail ; I sought a quiet Alpine nook | Far from the reach of Gazz or Coox-— They handed me the Strangers’ Book, I stared, and then again turned tail! | “Land of the midnight sun!” I cried, | “Thou ’ll —— me refuge yet denied !” And so to 7 shores I hied, | ’*Mid fiords and fells to find my rest. Scarce foot I’d placed upon the land, When hea’ with guide-book in your an I saw you standing on the strand, Most eager on your constant quest. I sped like arrow from the bow And on blue Danube’s restless flow, Through Iron Gates went Eastward "Ho !— To find you on the steamer’s deck! Again in Pera’s sun-baked street, By where spring Asia’s Waters Sweet, In fair Damascus—e’en retreat Your perseverance did not check! Like hunted hare I doubled, yet ; could not peace or freedom get, By Tiber, Arno, Rhone we met, By Guadalquivir and by Rhine! O’er Pyrennes you will pursue, On Auvergne heights the tryst renew! Am I indeed a wandering Jew With never haven to call mine ? O! lady! Weary, weak and worn, Must I for ever, travel-torn, Encounter you from morn to morn, hovel, temple, minster ? Your lineaments I know too well, (Your garb I would not dare to tell ») In pity break this fearsome ll, eet me no more, Progressive Spinster ! ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary or Tosy, M.P. House of Commons, Monday night, August st 10. —Back after a few = cruise over summer seas all the way to Skye. Find Government in parlous state. Have been wounded in house of a friend—House of Lords to wit. LonponpERRY ae revolt on Irish Land Bill has carried series of amendments hopelessly fought in divi- sion lobby by strongest Ministry of modern times. “There’s something uncanny about this Tony,” said Prince Arruur, regard- ing me with unwonted vity. «Tt may mere coincidence. i's certainly odd that whenever you go to sea the Govern- ee TMS RIGHT HOM 6.c.8. pone’ A (Midnight in the .erence of seals of office to my uncle, the | Markiss. Now you go off again under flag of Lord High Admiral Don Currie; at departure everything looked square for matter-of-fact winding up of Session; when Dunvegan Castle moors off Graves- end on her return you hear that Govern- ment has been defeated again and again; | Ministerial crisis imminent. Don’t grudge you an occasional breath of the briny. But I should be particularly obliged if | you would reserve your exc ursions for | period when the other side is in. Crisis still on. Lonponpgerry breath- ing sound and fury, which may (or may not) signify nothing. Meanwhile, the por battered Irish Land Bill has come k to the Commons limp, dishevelled, with nearly every bone in its body broken. To-night, Lords read a third time what was left of it. Just before midnight, whilst other ghosts in neighbouring churchyards were preparing to stroll forth, the wraith of the once lusty Land Bi!l was brought across the Central Hall to the Commons, the marble statues of dead statesmen, who in their time had wrestled with the Irish question, looking sadly on. Reminds Sark of the climax of the! varied life of Mignon, whose story | Gorrne tells in Wilhelm Meister’s A prenticeship. There is one scene in the love-story that might be written for this eipsode of the night. ‘Und Marmorbilder stehn und sehn mich an. Was hat man dir, du armes Kind, gethan.”’ ment of the day also find themselves there. A little more than 3 year ago you went to-Kiel with Mr. G., leavin Rosxneny | and Harcourt Sith, "arms affectionately | intertwined, apparently Senenetlie sup- porting Government. You came back just in time to hear Squire or MaLwoop an- nounce resignation of Ministry, and trans- | a. dropping into poetry, roughly trans- | ate And marble forms look down and whisper pityingly, | | What ill, unhappy child, hath man done unto thee. | Mignon cannot answer Our Parliamenta: ‘lt she trusts her Gerald! for sobbing. Sti ys Am. »7 (DDESLSIGH e |the Session Siromio sits up and | has filled, on t |appeared with a oe: 4 a Ry The Passing of Pat. Central Lobby.) Meister. Will he stand by her at the last ? and if he cannot save her, will he follow her? We shall see. Business done.—Irish Land Bill read a third time in Lords. Supply closed in Commons. Tuesday. —The wounded worm will turn at last. So in these closing days of snaps. Since House met in mag | he has had uninterruptedly bad time. Undesignedly a Parliamentary stage, the part of pantaloon. Whenever he en- tered from the slips with intent to defend the Sultan from charges of iniquity in Armenia or cruelty in Crete, Groner Curzon deftly tripped him up. If he Pref for thane astute warriors the Reform Committee of Johan- nesburg, “Jozy” in person ap negeres on scene, and joyously fulfilled his time- honoured mission by banging poor pa - taloon about the head, prostrating him, amid ribald laughter from llery and pit. That hard to bear in weekly, sometimes nightly, succession. To-night, S1iomio in rage of Swaziland, Ev.is aRTLeTT, Knight in the meaner compilation in the English tongue, strode into lists; a voluminous | speech in hand, a rimless glass in eye. As usual, conspiracy to set him aside. When he first proposed to deliver ~ on report stage of Colonial vote wi tent to batter in head of Colonial an | Sone as on historic occasion was “ bat- in the head of Mr. Weanz,” Cor- ns Hansury said time not convenient. ote should be taken by-and-by. Ever seen gamin in street fix bit of oe he calls sun burner in ition over and of a young friend, and hold it there till the skin begins’ to _eracklof So

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARi. [Aveusr 22, Siromio, fixing his ‘dade oye-ginss before | inflamed eye, turned it upon the hapless ce at separated from him only by eadth of Gangway. Sr1tomio said noth- | ‘Joey! Another score to ‘ ing: merely kept glass bearing direct on nape of neck of Financial Secretary to Treasury. Soon Hansury began to move uneasily; tossed about in evident pain. Stromio steadily stared. The Corporal, unable to wriggle out of focus, capitu- | lated, and opportunity for delivery of speech soortdad. It proved to be a sublime effort. Only thing lacking to perfect success was an audience. Members who flock in gleeful crowds to see Strom1o knocked down by Colonial Secretary, and kicked across stage by Under Secretary for Foreign Affairs, fled with one accord before pros- pect of long speech from him. But Srzo- | mio knew that at the doors of the empty chamber listened the nations of the world, most of them trembling. So he blustered along, waving his arms aloft, swinging round, as on a pivot, so that the multi-| tudes seated behind him should share with the masses in front the advantage of looking on his face, flushed with indigna- tion at the sorrows of the Sultan, his hain dishevelled with agony at thought of in- justice wrought to “Swaziland, my Swazi- land.” Most comical of all was to see Stromr1o at close of passage more than usually infuriated, pause, fix his eye-| glass, and crane his neck to see how Dov | Josx, seated on the Treasury Bench, liked that. Dow Jose bore up surprisingly well. Business done.— Appropriation Bill brought in. Thursday.—In Sarx’s memory there lingers echo of a melancholy poem describing the gradual cutting- -off of an interesting family. The particular line mentions that— The first te go was little Jane. For the last ten days, with increasing vi- | gour during present week, our happy | family at Westminster has been dispers- | ing. Among the first to go was Cap’EN Tommy. Exviorr Lees says natural i1m- perturbability of the Cap’en was disturbed on a night some three weeks ago, when he attempted to join in debate, and was | I goes into the Commons’ House, greeted with howls from below Gangway on his own side. Attempt to shut him up could not have been more insistent, or more fully organised, had it been Caup- WELL who interposed. Exuiorr Lzzs been down on annual visit to Birkenhead. In intervals of soldering the affections of his consti- tuency & purchasing for home use quite abnormal stocks of groceries, green- cceries, butchers’ meat, rare clarets rom the chandler, choice Havannahs from the chemist, and fine old one- starred brandy from a marine store dealer who has been heard to criticise ac- tion of Unionist Ministry during Session, Extiorr has, in the unavoidable absence of Rupyarp Kreuine, put what he be- lieves to be the Cap’en’s reflections into verse. Here is the pome: to try and raise a cheer, The Government they ups and says, stand Tommy ’ere.’’ The clerks behind the table larfs and giggles fit to die, | I outs on to the Terrace then, and to myself says I: “We can’t | And Oh, it ’s Tommy this and Tommy that, and Tommy | take your hook ; But it’s “‘Thank you, Mr. when talking suits our book. When talking suits our book, my boys, when talk- ing suits our book, it’s “‘ Thank you, Mr. when talking suits our hoo! Grrson Bowes,” Oh, W (Gh, Mili USSGIWN Viscount H-ly. (A Dream of the Future.) I went to take a front bench seat, as solemn as could be, They gave a Jesse CoLuincs room, but ’adn’t | none for me ; ‘walk, crowd to hear me talk. | Now it’s “‘ Tommy up? * Oh, divide! divide! But it’s “‘ Promising young statesman,” we ’re on the other side- When we sit the other side, my boys, Opposition side, Oh, it a Promising young statesman,” we ’reon the other side. on the They sent me to divisions, with recruities raw to | | But when Harcourt brings a Budget in, they "ll Racine YacutsMEN.—The buoy in what Tommy rot!” It’s | | when | Disn.—Rabid-pie. Business done.—Irish Land Bill scraped its way through House of Lords. bishops did it. Four of them present. If they had gone against Bill on critical division, it would have been lost. Voting | with it, ’ Government had majority of six. F videy.~Bestmgeiienl SONG OF THE SCORCHER. (After reading the Protests and Plans of the _ Cyclophobists. ) I xnow I’m a “scorcher,” I know I am | torcher To buffers and mivvies who’re not up | to date; But grumpy old geesers, and wobbly old | wheezers, Ain’t goin’ to wipe me and my wheel orf the slate. I mean to go spinning and ’owling and grinning At twelve mile an hour through the thick of the throng. a shout, without stopping, whilst, | frightened and flopping, | My elderly victims like ninepins are drop- GrBson Bow.zs,”’ | ping,— “So long!” The elderly bobby, who’s stuffy and cobby, | aie}, got arf a chance with a scorcher | wheels ; Old buffers may bellow, and young gals | turn yellow, But what do I care for their grunts or | their squeals ? No, when they go squiffy I’m off in a jiffy The much-abused “scorcher” is still going strong. And when mugs would meddle, I shout as dal— “So long!” Wot are these fine capers perposed by the apers ? These ’ints about lassos and butterfly- nets P To turn scorcher-catchers the old pewter- snatchers In ’elmets must take fewer stodges and wets! Wot, treat hus like bufflers or beetles! e scufflers In soft, silent shoes, turn Red Injins? You’ re wrong It’s all bosh and S ubble! I’m orf— the double !— “So long! = A Sporting Complaint. Dear Mr. Puncn,—Has it ever occurred to you that in Leap year the twelfth of August does not occur till the thirteenth day of the month? This is a great griev- ance, which ought to be remedied by Act of Parliament in the opinion of Yours always ready for the game, Witiiam WEASEL. Gourmets’ Club, W., August 12, 1896. A “Leps” WORTH LOOKING AT BY the Solent. New Name FoR A ONCE FavourRITE Oxsvriovs.— Mr. Gtapstonr’s amiable when | temper makes him a lenient judge of the | | Sign of the Cross. a 1896. |™ PTitee § Fo.»

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or Pictures of ed Matter MS.. Print whether Drawings ea NOTICE.— Rejected C

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avcvst 29, 1896. FOUR THREE-AND-SIX- PENNY NOVELS. THE REDS OF THE MIDI. By Peiex Gras. THE TOWER OF TADDEO. By Ovios. Popular Edition. Illustrated JHE JUSTIFICATION OF ANDREW LEBRUN. Hy Yasun Banaert. THE OCONNORS _OF | BAL- Londoa Wu HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford 8t., W.C. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 18265. Accumulated Fund, 8 Millions Stg. NEW REDUCED RATES. Re WITHOUT PROFITS. EDINBURGH,5 George St.(Head Office). LONDON, 83, King William Street, B.O. @ 8, Pall Mall Bast, 8.W. DUBLIN, 66, Upper Sackvilie Street. Branches & Agencica in India & the Colonies. PAGKHAM’S TABLE WATERS AKE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER. Manufactory, Croydon. ' ~ One button does It, POCKET KODAK. A complete camera on a small scale. Weighs only 5} ounces. Size of Picture, 43 x 2 inches. Carries a spool of light-tight film for 12 ¢x posures. Loaded and unloaded in daylight. Fitted with sew automatic shutter; brilliant view finder PRICE, Loaded with 12 Exposures of Film, £1 Is. EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Limited, 815-117 Oxford St., London, W. Paris: 4 Place Vendéme. TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. SCRUBBS secs ca MARVELLOUS PREPARATION. as a Turkish Bath. or all Toilet Pur Refreshin Invaluable Splendid Removes Stains and Grease Spot Begpores the Colour to Carpets. eans Plate and Jewellery. 4 y is. Bottle for sis te tan Rasbe. . SCRUBB & CO., 32b Southwark Street, 8.E. a MANUFACTURERS OF SCRUBB'S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP WEDDING PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FRER. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: (12, REGENT ST., W (Avsoinimne Steasoscoric Courant.) Tired Feet. “A lithe Condy’s Fluid in the foot-bath is in- valuable for tired, aching, or hot feet.” —Weldon's Ladie? Journal. AMMONIA tion for the Hair. “3 from Clothing, Etc. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Etc SAMUEL BROTHERS, 65 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. | Bron (Jacket and Vest) for boy of 8 years, 19/-. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE and PATTERNS free on application, Powder CRATEFUL—COMFORTING == BORWIGK’S GOCOA == POWDER EPPS’S 6 Quires, 1+. HIERATICA Nore Papen, 5 Quires, 1s. Court Envelopes, 1s. per 100. Thin, for Foreign Correspondence, Mourning Note, 5 Quires, 1s. 64d. Mourning Envelopes, 1s. 6d. per 100. O/ all Stationers, or send stamps to Hicratica Works, 68, Upper Thames Street, London. ROSBACH THE BEST TABLE WATER IN THE WORLD. ‘“‘PASTEUR” (Chamberland) FI LTER. ** The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.”—Barrisa Mepicat Jovewar.. “A real preventative of water- borne disease.”’—Lancer. To be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers, or from the Makers. J. DEFRIES & SONS, a 147, Hounsvrrcn, Lonpor, E.C. ; duce 2 to 5 Ib. a week; acts on the food in ~S stomach, pre = venting its conversion into Fat. Sold byallChemists fend stamp for pamphlet. BOTANIC MEDICINE CO.,3, NEWOXFORDSr., W.C A DELICIOUS SMOKE. MURRAY'S snotin MELLOW Mixture, (BELFAST.) OLD RIPE TOBACCO. 80 Years’ Reputation as a Genuine Tobacco of the Highest Quality. uticura SUAP The most Effective Skin Purifying and Beautifying Soap in the World. The Purest, Sweetest, and Most Refreshing for Toilet, Bath, and Nursery. Bold throughout the World. F. NEWRBERY & SONS, 1, an Edward Street, London, E. ae DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY or rne STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION Sold throughout the World. Mappin sy(ebb, 158 to 162, OXFORD ST., W. 2, QUEEN VICTORIAST,, oat LONDON. (Pacing the Mansion House.) Manufactory: THE ROYAL WORKS, NORFOLK STREET, ‘HICH GLASS lilastrated Price Lists Post Free. SHEFFIELD _ TABLE KNIVES.

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~ ~ mi . CO. 3 a hest ng nd ing RN, Aueust 29, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 97 — é. FANCY-BAZAAR FORTUNE-TELLING. “So I’m ro MARRY A Fark LADY, AND HAVE A CARRIAGE AND Parr! Wet, I’ve sust cor MARRIED, BUT I HAVEN'T GOT A CARRIAGE. WHAT KIND OF A ONE DO YOU THINK IT WILL BE? A BICYCLE MADE FoR Two?” ** PERHAPS IT WILL BE A DovusLe PERAMBULATOR !” ROUNDABOUT READINGS. Stray Notes on WomEN. In a careless moment, and a thoughtless mood, I seem to have opened up a mighty subject of pressing importance to thou- sands and thousands of my oppressed fellow-countrymen. Little did I think, when I began these stray notes a fortnight ago, that I was either meeting a universal want, or opening flood- gates. Both these tasks, however, I seem to have performed. As when a military officer, snugly ensconced in comfortable quarters on dry land, presses a simple, unassuming knob, or turns a little switch, and immediately, far out at sea, a vast ex- ems occurs, the angry waters rise in fury to an incalculable eight, a dull roar shakes the firmament, and the air grows dark with the scattered fragments of some ancient ship duly anchored there to test the virtues of a new explosive. So I, as it now appears, have liberated explosive forces, and, even as I write, woman, universal woman, is being blown into match- sticks, never again to sail over life’s ocean with her sails proudly filling to the wind, and her company of obedient men attending her wants. I cannot follow the metaphor further. As I say, I did not undertake this business wittingly; but | few of us ever know how full of fate are our most trivial actions. | Letters have been pouring in upon me from the nearer parts of Europe, all hailing me as a deliverer from a yoke. In due | succession, mails will be coming in from the United States, from the South American Republics, from the mighty tracts of | explored Australia, from India, from Lapland, Kamtchatka, Patagonia, Jamaica, Labuan,—wherever Punch, the great teacher, makes his wisdom heard—and the tenor of these ietters, as I cannot doubt, will accord .with those I have already re- ceived. These I have sorted out roughly, in my room, in a kind of order, and here is a list of them. One thousand four hundred and eighty-six are from “Un- fortunate husbands”; two thousand seven hundred and ten letters, and five hundred and sixty are signed, “One who sighs for liberty.” Nineteen hundred “Slaves who are ready to strike a blow” have written imploring me to strike for them. Three thousand bear some such signature as “ Down with Woman, the arch-enemy,” while the remaining odd thousand or so are from “ Determined bachelors,” “ Widowers, and thankful for it,” “Once bit, twice shy,” “A Mormon of experience,” “A moment of folly,” and three hundred “Women who sympath- ise.” Iconfess that these three hundred have moved me deeply. To appeal merely to men on such a subject is what a writer might naturally expect. It is a far more significant thing to find that there are three hundred women sufficiently large- minded and disinterested to take a just view of the position, qualifications and characteristics of their own sex. If there is to be open warfare between us and women, we shall evidently be able to count upon the help of a considerable number of “ friend- lies” in any battles that we may have to fight. I rurnx it best to give a sample letter : — “Srr,” writes “ A widower—and thankful for it,” “TI hail with delight the appearance of your ‘Stray Notes on Women.’ We have groaned too long in silence, and the consequence has heen that nobody has cared to attend to complaints which did not reach their ears. I have elways felt that some day a defender would arise to lead us to the attack, and to prove that women have been masquerading in false feathers, which have really been stripped from them long ego, if they only knew it, but they don’t, and therefore they have gone on deceiving everybody. They never deceived me, and I see they have not deceived you, and I am sure there are plenty of others who have seen through them clearly enough, but who have had to wait till someone else shook the scales off their eyes. You have done this, and we are all deeply grateful to you, and trust you will continue the beneficent labours which we all hoped would have been ended long ago. Women are quite useless when they are most wanted, and nothing can make them believe that they can do without us, though after marrying one wife I am sure I never intend to marry a second, to say nothing of a third and a fourth which heaven forbid. Let me hear if I can assist you in any way, though I am sure your task is easy enough, for if you only attack these very formidable persons they get so surprised that they can’t resist at all, except by bursting into tears, which doesn’t count, and nobody pays the least attention to them— at least, not in the County Louth, where I live, and I defy any- one to point to a finer spot on the whole globe though it is in Ireland, which, to my mind, adds to its beauties, as everyone agrees, in spite of other people’s contradictions and im- pertinences.” Next week I hope to continue my new crusade. Apvice rrom ax Otp Stacer.—The old adage, “Do not play with edged tools,” received a sad illustration in the case of poor Mr. E. Crozter, late of the Novelty Theatre. hoped that in future “edged weapons would not be used in such exciting scenes as this.” To which Mr. Chief Coroner Punon The coroner | adds, “ And never in any scenes at all, exciting or unexciting, as | a blunt property dagger blade that, on meeting with the slightest resistance, will run back into the hilt, is sufficient for all purposes.” Dr. Nanxsen’s Return.—A banquet to the eminent explorer was given at Vardé, when Dr. Nansen and his talented assist ants were “toasted.” “Toasting” must have been just what the brave Doctor required after his Northern visit. Of course, on arriving in London, the at present Defeated Discoverer of the Home of the North Pole will have no difficulty in finding The Metro-pole, where a banquet is to be given him. Way ovenr Lia Hunoe Caanc T0 MAKE A MODEL THEATRICAL Manacer ?—Because he never gives any orders. Cuance ror a Soverzicn.—The Czar’s tour. VOL. Ox!I. K

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ‘CHARIV ARI. [Aueust 29, 1896. LATEST PORTRAIT OF THE G. O. M. Mr. G. HAVING BEEN MUCH IMPRESSED BY THE CosTUME OF THE OTHER VETERAN STATESMAN, Li Hune ns mp . HAS, IT IS SAID, ADOPTED THE URIENTAL FASHIONS OF Pia TAIL AND CHo IPSTICKS, AND I8 NOW WRITING AN ESSAY IN C HINESE ON THE PHiLo OPHY OF CONFUCIUS,

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Auveust 29, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 99 ~ u ‘roa(ly firicy | i ih u A} Ul — THE MATERNAL INSTINCT. jit IIo ew gil al mar quill UNL TA ee, ae i. f 5 ( ites: ‘apa Piinsvalt The Master. ‘‘1’M sayin’, WUMMAN, HA’E YE GOTTEN THE TICKETS ?” The Mistress. ‘‘ Tuts, HAUD Your TonGuE ABoor TICKETS, Let ME COONT THE WeANs!"” THE REVIVAL OF ROMANCE. [On July 17 a duel on bicycles took place in Paris. } . ... . By this time the sun was beginning to sink in the west, | and shone with a ruddy glow upon the vast assembly of fair | women and brave men assembled in the spacious grounds of Diddledum Castle. The appearance of the ring testified to the severity of the day’s struggles; gallant steeds, that had cara- coled with the best at the commencement of the tournament, now lay prone on the ground, a pitiable mass of torn tyres and opuaieee spokes, while the leeches who were present to tend the wounded riders had long since exhausted their stock of sticking-plaster, and had now perforce to make shift with post- age-stamp paper. All day had the lists been set, and all day had the intrepid Sir Ciavp Potctrers proved himself a champion indeed. night after knight had essayed to do battle with him, only quickly to be unbicycled by his lance, and to bite the shameful dust. From her seat in the gallery which surrounded the arena, the young and beauteous Lady Anorta Louurpor had sur- veyed the chances of the battle with a more than common inte- rest. Well did she know that, in accordance with old-estab- lished precedent, her hand was to be bestowed upon him who should prove the conqueror at the close of the day. Sir Cravp Porctrers she cordially detested. Where, oh where, was the faithful ALGgRNON DE Boncaur, who had promised to do battle on her behalf, and for whom—especially as he was a director of five bicycle companies—she felt the tenderest affection ? Suddenly the onlookers gave a start of excitement and surprise, as on their ears fell the clear and resonant tones of an approaching bell ! Another moment, and there had ridden into the arena a mysteri- ous knight, with his face closely masked. Disdaining to make use of his handles, he rode swiftly towards Sir Ciavp, brandish- ing his lance in one hand, and applying the other with out- stretched fingers to his nose, with a superb gesture of haughty defiance. Lady Anorva recognised the rider by his massive calves, and fainted on the spot. “’Tis Atcennon himself! she gasped. The herald gave the signal. Once more resounded ALorr Non’s bell; once more Sir Craup’s squeaker blared forth a hoarse defiance. With the speed of lightning the high-bred bicycles whirled towards each other, with a resounding crash they met in the midst of the ring. Sir Craup pursued the tactics which had given him the victory earlier in the day, by aiming a furious stroke at his rival’s head, but ALogrnon ducked with consummate grace at precisely the right moment, so that Sir Ciaup fell headlong by the violence of his own blow and lay rone on the arena. Even as he fell, Atczrnon had drawn back a sharp-pointed lance, and lunged it twice with all his might into the front tyre of the other’s machine. A terrific explosion was heard, and then the tyre crumpled up, flabby and useless A prolonged shout of applause arose from the onlookers. * “Hold!” spluttered Sir Ciaup, his mouth full of dust, “’tis enough—my tyre is punctured ; I can fight no more.” “Then,” said the other, proudly, “I claim my lawful prize— the Lady Anceia!” A gleam of malignant triumph flashed from Sir Cravp’s eyes as he rose with difficulty from the ground. “Nay,” he said ; “not yet, young man. Know that I am a Justice of the Peace, and hereby order thy instant arrest on the charge of furious riding!” There was a moment of awful silence. And then, before the spectators could realise what had happened, the Lady Anor.a had vaulted lightly down into the arena, ALogrnon had raised her in his arms and seated her on his handle-bar, he had mounted and ridden off with his lovely prize, and knight, lady and bicycle had become a swiftly vanishing speck in the distance! |

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OR THE LONDON PUNCH, CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 29, 1896. Pot He. ‘How WouLD You LIKE TO OWN A—ER—A LITTLE Puppy?” She. ‘‘Oun, Mr. Sorriy, THIs 1s 80 suDDEN!” ARBORICULTURE. Tue other day, at Hawarden, Mr. | GLapsTong received and addressed the | seen in farm-yards, but one variety, A. a. omnibusiacee, is of large girth. ~ Am ee vicinity of several > - oe ers shops there are varieties members of the English Arboricultural | the Arbor booted in no ues eens. Society. Mr. Punch, as usual interes This is not the tree which produces and instructed by the remarks of the en- | sandal wood. eyclopedic and right honourable gentle-| Qn the east side, not far from Pall man, at once commanded his Chief Bo-| Mall. two fine specimens of the Arbor tanist to prepare a report on arboricul-| Beerbohmii were in a flourishing condi- ture in the Metropolis. This official, as-| tion until recently, They are now being sisted by the Deputy Botanists on his conveyed around the provinces for exhi- staff, has begun by a careful study of the | bition, and later on will be taken to the Haymarket, a region hitherto disregarded | United States. It is understood that by arboriculturists ‘ /next year these two admirable trees will He has discovered in the roadway the | be t lanted to the west side of the Arbor avis, or axle-tree, in large numbers. street, where it is hoped that they will It does not attain the huge size frequently | continue tu flourish for many years to come. | With a plenty to astound her— As Mr GtapstTong very truly re- marked, “the people of this country understand the ornamental management of trees as well as anybody.” RAILWAY BALLADS. Tue Missinc SpiInsTer. You may boast your great improvements, Your inventions and your “ movements,” For those who stay at home, and those who travel ; But arrangements for the latter Are so complex, that the matter Makes them dotty as a hatter To unravel. There was once an ancient lady Whom we knew as Miss O’Grapy, Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew. So in fear and trepidation She sought out her destination, And betook her to the station— Waterloo. She took her little ticket And she did not fail to stick it With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove. Another moment found her d notice-boards all round her, And above! So she studied every number On those sign-posts that encumber All the station; and she learned them one by one; But she found the indication Of the platforms of the station Not much use as information When she’d done. In her shocking state of fluster Little courage could she muster, Yet of porters she accosted one or two ; But, too shy to claim attention, And too full of apprehension, She could get no one to mention “Which for Trew.” So she trudged through every station— “North,” “South,” “Main,”—in quick | rotation, And then she gave a_trial to the | oe Loo ”. Like some hapless new Pandora She sat down a-gasping for a Little hope to live on—or a Plate o’ soup. * * For she ’Mid the bustle and the hissing An old maiden lady’s “ Missing ”— In some corner of the complicated maze ; And round about she’s gliding In unwilling, hideous hiding, On the platform, loop, or siding, In a craze. And still they cannot find her, For she leaves no trace behind her At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo ; But she passes like a comet With the myst’ry of Mahomet— Her course unknown—and from it Not a clue! Frienpiy Ririzs.—In the match be- tween Middlesex and Sussex at Brighton last week, Mr. Horz (London Rifle Bri- gade), for the Metropolitan — dis- tanced all competitors, and left behind him a fluttering tail. Spes et praterea nihil.

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— ]& = Aucust 29, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 101 OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Mr. Henry Frowps has issued from the Clarendon Press, in workmanlike style worthy of that institution’s renown, Mr. Guiapstong’s Studies Subsidiary to the Works of Bishop Butler. The volume is uniform with the two that preceded it, containing the works of Bishop Butiar, to the editing of which the veteran statesman devoted the ter part of last year. Apart from their intrinsic value, these dees portly volumes have a rare personal The Baron de B.-W. and the First Page. interest. In his eighty-sixth year, at the close of a life of almost tumultuous labour, Mr. Guapstone bethought him that there was something desirable to be done for the public good and the wider fame of Bishop Butter. In earlier editions the “ Analogy ” runs on through interminable pages without a break. There are no indexes, few notes, and some doubt as to accuracy of the text. To supply these needs was a task which, thoroughly done, would seem to require youthful energy and pr of long life. Mr. Guapstong just sat down and didit. As ro- ceeded with his editorial work, thoughts crowded upon him which he committed to paper. The notes grew in Pull till they threatened to seuel the “Analogy” in volume. In the end, Mr. Guiapstong determined to make a volume of his own, a book ablaze with the light of scholarly research. For more than twenty years my Baronite has witnessed Mr. GLapsTone’s towrs de force in other fields, and protests that, in all the circumstances, production of these three volumes is the most remarkable. The anonymous author of Mr. Magnus (Fisher Unwin) has evidently been disappointed with Mr. Ceci, Ropes, as other students of phenomenal developments of nature have been dis- pc a with the Atlantic. e “goes for” the fallen giant, thinly disguised under the name that gives a title to the work. The book, though spiteful, is clever, offering a vivid and highly- coloured description of the way they live in Johannesburg. Mr. Barnato is sketched with a more friendly hand than is the ex- Cape Premier. There are other portraits, which will doubtless be recognised by members of the Reform Committee, now at large and with leisure to read a sprightly book. Some es, notably those descriptive of a visit to the mine, and Pom quent accident, are written with a graphic power that suggests the author might safely trust to his literary skill to attract readers without elaborating personal skits. In the latest Yellow Book for this quarter the art of telling unfinished stories in a highly-finished style is carried well nigh to perfection by Mr. Henry Harwanp in his “ Invisible Prince,” and to a less ‘degree by Menrz Muriet Dowie, in her “ Idyll in Millinery.” Marigz Ciorartpe Batrour chooses Zola-like sub- jects; not pleasant reading. What of the weird, unintelligible, Blake-like illustrations by J. Hersert MoNamm? Prize-picture- puzzles, which ma some attraction for those who can admire the trio of stark naked lunatics in the drawing by Laurence Hovsman (shouldn’t it be Mad-House-man ?), entitled “ Barren Life.” There is an interesting paper on the “ Sergeant- at-law,” by Mr. Francis Wart. Among the sane pictures, that of “ Dieppe Castle,” by D. Y. Cameron, is effective; while the two pictures of “ Ili Omen” and “The Sleeping Prince,” are in every way hard to beat, even by Laurence Map-Hovusman afore- said. On the whole, the majority of “indolent reviewers” may find some amusement in the Yellow Book issuing from the Picturesque Lane. Tue Baron. “MY ENGAGEMENT.” _ Tue following correspondence has overflowed from Fleet Street into Bouverie Street : — Dear Mr. Epiror,—My fiancé says I’m engaged to him, and I say he’s engaged to me—and that’s where the trouble is. It makes all the difference in the world, I consider. I’m not going to be his chattel (or is it chattle?) especially as I proposed to him this year, as it’s leap year. mean my engagement, and I don’t-exactly see where he comes in, except to be there, when he’s wanted. I’ve always been used to having my own way—that’s all I want, and I really do wish he would once for all understand that J engage him, and not the other way round. It would be so much simpler to start right, and not have any words on the matter. I am always for yy and my nerves couldn’t stand any difference of opinion. he only will just give way, everything will be lovely. He is quite a boy, and doesn’t know what is good for him, und is not used to engaging anyone, not even a cook or a cabman. I am, yours to command, Martinetta N. Pecken. Dear Sir,—I have been studying the interesting correspond- ence, sta by Mrs. Atamony in your columns, and should like to put my own case before your readers. I was out the other day with three lovely girls (not sisters), up the river I think it was, and well—I somehow got mixed up coming home in the twilight, and became en to one of them, but I can’t for the life of me remember whi It was getting dark at the time, and I don’t think I should recognise her again, and I forgot to give her my address. I do not want to go to the wrong house, and be interviewed by the wrong father. So what am I to do? I am sure I care very much for the girl, if I could only identify her properly. I don’t wish to lose her, whichever it was; but I was aout careless in these matters. Can one be sued for absence of mind? Yours barmily, Crumpet. Dear Mr. Eprtor,—Sir, I am not exactly engaged, but at the present moment am quite free to become so. I am looking for a young lady, who must be beautiful, of good birth, domesti- cated, smart, musical, artistic, a good dancer, horsewoman, swimmer, skater, and tennis-player, good tempered, able to con- verse in six languages, and having a thousand a year of her own. Or I will commute all these qualifications for an income of £3,750 per annum. I have a Loving Heart to give in exchange, and the young lady may rely on my not wanting to break off the engagement. What offers? Farr ’s Fain. Sir,—I am delighted to announce to you the happy achieve- ment of our golden engagement. I met my fiancée in the month of August, 1846, | fell madly in love with her on the spot (like Homocea). I hadn’t a penny then, and I haven't now, but we plighted our troth at first sight, and have been in the same plight ever since. We are Dansy and Joan, quite contented, and we never have any rows or misunderstandings. Yours ecstatically, SEPTUAGENARIAN. P.S.—I haven’t seen her for the last fifty years, but I have an early daguerreotype which I tenderly fondle. I am afraid to meet her now, for fear of disillusionment. it’s my show this time—I | From ovr own Inrepressipte Joker (once more in durance | vile). —“ Scotland is generally known as the Land of Cakes Judging from the sharp, snappish replies made to me (when | was at my very politest) by the smart girls I met at Portobello, it ought to be called the Country of Tart’uns.” Cups THat Pass 1s THR Nigut.—Counters at the—(what shall we call it ?)—Pokerbac Club.

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PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON ‘CH ARIV ARL D Ae * “WwW ( [Aveust 29, 1896. cui THE ROLLING Poon ! W HOSE Very Minor Poet. ** Tur Critics, INDEED! NAME rHAT & YOUNG OLIVER QJULLPSON, He's A Heavennorn Geyivs, anv I An Admirer of the Bard's. ‘‘ OLIVER QUILPSON ¢ YOU WERE MILES ABOVE TENNYSON, SHELLEY, V. M. P. ‘‘ A—a—\VES, BY THE WAY, WHY, AND LET ME 3EE; rHAT THERE 'S ONLY LITERARY STYLE IS AS FAULTLESS ‘VE SAID AS MUCH IN AN ARTICLE I'VE WRITTEN ISN'T THAT AND KEATS ; AND THAT HE, FOR ONE, HE DID SAY SOMETHING OF THAT SORT, OF THE LOG. CRITIC LIVING, WHO'S WORTHY OF THE AS HIS LITERARY JUDGMENT IS INFALLIBLE! ABOUT HIM IN THIS WEEK'S GADFLY /” THE MAN WHO SAID IN LAST WEEK'S Happy KNWACKER RANKS YOU WITH MILTON AT MILTON’s BEST!” I BELIEVE. ONE ENGLISH NANSEN. \ Dippin Sone up AIR Jack Ashore sings You ask how it comes that I sing about Nansen, His pluck, and his craft, and his crew ? Well, nearer that sly old North Pole we’re advancin’, A deed Jounny Butt ought to do. I am much of a mind with Tretawney and MILLais, My heart with glad triumph would spring ; But to envy a rival from Norway were silly, And that's why of Nansen I sing! ro Dare. * Nancy.” rhe Britons, and I’m one, have roved the world over, And I should, in course, much prefer The Pole were first reached by some brave British rover ; But envy ’s a poor half-bred cur! So if other crafts than true British are nearing The Pole—why my castor I'll fling. Within two hundred miles the Norwegian’s been steering, So that’s why of Nansen I sing! Could our ships Northward Ho, wind and weather permitting, A hundred times go and come back, The ice-world’s so wide, we might never be hitting For leagues upon leagues the same tack. The nations are numerous, various, clever, And all to explore on the wing. If Joun Buit spots the Pole first I'll pipe on for ever ; To-day tis of Nansen I sing! Who ’ll wring the last secret from Ultima Thule ? That ’s yet to be seen, aye, and sung! But just as the | prow to > this helm answers duly We’re true to the Pole, old and young; Whoever first hits it high fame will inherit, And fame to his country will bring. But to pluck and success step by step allow merit, And that’s why of NANSEN I re THE THORN Veu Hawarde a Version. ) [Mr. GLapsrone, doing Ce honour of his trees to the Arboricultural So- ciety, said that when Mr. Nessr1e.p, a celebrated landscape gardener, once | advised the removal of a great spreading thorn standing in Font of the Castle at Hawarden, his own attachment to that familiar thorn forbade its removal. | Grand Old Woodman SLNYS > — From Hawarden Ness¥igLp the removal requested Of what its old walls did adorn. “No, by heavens!” I exclaimed, “ may I perish If ever I lift my old axe on that thorn.” No, by heavens! &c. He showed me the thorn, and implored me to fell it, I laughed his entreaty to scorn. “No!” I replied, “my old home in Hawarden Shall never by me lose its noble old thorn! No, by heavens! let the gardenesque perish Ere ever La axe that familiar old thorn!” ‘A LittLe iene. "In response to the lines (see No. for pete 22) & propos of brave young Leonarp Srerie, aged sixteen, of 14, Gibbon’s Road, Stratford, Mr. Punch begs to acknowledge a cheque from Mr. “H. C. G.,” and stamps from a | Nameless Contributor, which have been duly forwarded to the | above address, where, Mr. Punch begs to suggest, all subscrip- | tions might be forwarded direct.

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“FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD!” Tue Norra Pore. ‘“‘ YOUR HEALTH, SUNNY! WITH ALL THEIR BOATS, BALLOONS, TELESCOPES, AND THINGS, THEY AIN'T FOUND US OUT YET!” [Dr. NansEen’s expedition to the North Pole and that of the astronomers to view the total eclipse of the sun turned out failures. | ** It is to be regretted that Dr. Nansen and his companions have not reached the North Pcle, but they have made a record which it will be difficult to beat.” — Times, August 19. ** We must hope for better luck next time.’’"— Sir Robert Ball's Letter to the Times, August 19.

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—— Aveust 29, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 105 WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c. Jones. “‘I SAY, WHAT'S THE EXACT MEANING OF ‘VoILA’?”’ Brown. ‘‘ WELL, I SHOULD TRANSLATE IT AS ‘BEHOLD,’ OR ‘ THERE YOU ARE,’ OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.” Jones. ‘‘CONFOUND IT! I'VE BEEN USING IT FOR THE LAST MONTH AND THINKING I'VE BEEN SWEARING IN FRENCH !” UP-TO-DATE INTELLIGENCE—RE BAYARD. Dear Mr. Puncu,—I am insatiate in my desire for the latest news, and buy papers literally from morning till night on every week day. On Sunday, however, my craving for knowledge has to be satisfied with one.early supply of information. Among other journals I always take in The People, and you may imagine that I opened my eyes when I read in its columns the following paragraphs : — ‘‘ Four bombs were exploded under a train travelling between Navajas and Jaquey. Four Cubans were badly injured, and several sustained slighter injuries. e Chevalier Bayarp, after having been mortally wounded, asked to be taken from his horse and placed at the foot of atree. ‘‘ At least,” said he, “T may die facing the enemy.” Can it be that the knight “without fear or reproach” has re- turned to earth, and is battling in Tobacco-land for the oppressed islanders, or does the text refer to some descendant of ths with equally noble traits, who has died in resisting the tyrannical might of Spain? I have vainly sought in the daily and weekly Press for a solution of the mystery. I therefore turn to you, | Sir, as the last, but by no means least, personage capable of relieving my anxiety. Itching for your answer, I am, your obedient servant, CuristorpHeR MoOgnorapa. P.S.—I ought, perhaps, to mention that the Spanish Ambas- | sador’s footman referred me to the porter at the American Embassy, who assured me that his master had gone to Norway. Tue AstrRoNoMERS WHO Faitep.—Some of the lucky ones were favoured with a sight of King Sol’s corona and stars of various orders, “Only this and nothing more.” } | | | Recgrvep 1n Lonpon.—Invitation to view “The Watxer Art Gallery ” at Liverpool when we are in London. O yes!—Walker! THE PENDULUM OF WEALTH. (A Forecast.) Cuaprer I.—*‘ Nobilitatis virtus stemma,” It was a stormy evening in November, 1995. The rain was beating in stormy gusts on the old brown stone lace in Fifth Avenue, and there was a continual drip from the rusted coronet over the “stoop” on to the well-worn marble steps below the door, which showed sad need of the renovating b of the house-painter. Within, the aspect of the mansion was not more cheerful. Want of comfort was evidently hand in hand with want of money. In one of the principal sitting-rooms, remark- able for the large collection of pictures hung on the walls, and for several massive silver spittoons of nineteenth century work, a lady and gentleman were seated before a small wood fire. By the light of the solitary electro-burner it might have been perceived | that both were of mature years, and that each possessed that | aristocratic bearing, which is the heirloom of ancient lineage. | Yet it was evident that they were not in affluent circumstances. | The divided skirt of the dame, though scrupulously neat, had certainly seen better days, her silken hose were not innocent of darns, and the Brussels lace of her spotless white vest had evidently been mended more than once, while her black velvet jacket had on it a distinct touch of old-time rust. Still her plentiful white locks were a ed in the latest fashion, that of the oe and though the long, taper fingers with which she rolled a cigarette were unadorned with jewelled rings, yet they were as perfectly s das the toes of that legendary Trilby, whose fame has been ded down to us from the last century. The gentleman’s suit of Tartan broadcloth was none of the freshest either in cut or material, and the woollen scarf girt around his neck was clearly worn for warmth rather than effect. Nevertheless, his thick grey moustache was heavily waxed, and his broad chest was crossed with the somewhat taded tricolour riband of the proudest order of American Chivalry —the Everlasting Eagle. @ was smoking some very pungent tobacco from a long clay pipe, and ever and anon he slaked his thirst from a beaker of lager beer standing by his side. From the working of the muscles of his rubicund face it was apparent that he was violently moved by his thoughts. Presently the lady broke silence and observed, “So the Emperor will do nothing ? ” “Absolutely nothing,” replied her companion, with a sigh. “He has forgotten the days when it was a question whether an O’FLanerty or a VANPERKEN was the better fitted to grasp the sceptre of a rising young monarchy. But what,” he continued, bitterly, “did an American ever get from an Irishman but in- gratitude? And so I made bold to tell the Prince of Tammany to-day.” “You told him so!” cried the lady, with admiration in her glance. “That was like a true VANPERKEN, and as became the Duke of Saratoga. I guess he squirmed, though.” “You are right,” answered the Duke, draining his goblet. “But no amount of princely squirming will bring dollars to our cash-box. The pictures will have to go, so I’ve telephoned MacLazarvus to come and take the lot this very evening. It can’t be helped, Suste,” he added, tenderly, as he saw the teardrops glisten in her eyes. “Tt does seem downright cruel,” murmured the Duchess, passing the back of her hand over her vision. “It’s woeful,” she continued, “what we of the Peerage are coming to nowa- days.” “That’s so,” remarked the Duke, filling his pipe. “But it might have been reckoned on by our forefathers, who were so crazy to have their daughters married to European titles that they sent billions of money across the Atlantic. When the Im- perial Monarchy was established, what with fighting, filibustering, and frae bribery, there was but little real estate left in Society , and since then, most of it’s gone in keeping up appearances. And the poorer we get, the fatter the British Republic grows. There ’s barrels of cash on that little dirt-heap.” : “It’s curious we haven’t heard from Mannattan,” said the | Duchess. “He’s been over a fortnight in London, and only cabled once.” “For a remittance,” observed the Duke, drily, as he sent a volume of smoke through his nostrils. “But there, he’s been well received by Presipent Lasovonere Burns, and Mannarran isn’t the boy to waste his time in inspecting the Tower of London and the British Museum. You know my intentions. He went out as a speculation; and if he’s failed as a speculation, I | reckon we’ve nothing else left to speculate with.” (To be continued.) |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avueust 29, 1896.

ST ly frequent the House is, of course, purely fortuitous. ) } rO THE SISTERH and those distingu isher a o % i= 7. ~ - = wn 4 = a o & “ t x a 7 7. oz) tL i a E4 = Z » =4 % < 7. < a < iw < i\\ ||| AN M4 | lit \ 2 © : = a ; @ < ue ° Ww 77) a / Oo , wi J co < px a < ° WwW cc WHEN IT IS HANDED OVER

eon the employees shown above RECESS, ON THE AUTHORITY OF ONE WHO OUGHT TO KNOW (BETTER), detected bet (Any likeness that may be

WE HEAR,

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Aveust 29, 1896.] A CHINESE PUZZLE. (Extracts from the Note-book of an IUustrious Traveller.) Have no time to give names, or sort my jottings, so must leave things in the rough until I reach Pekin. I am told that the leader of the House of Commons prefers golf to speeches, and likes a spin on a bicycle better that a seat on the Treasury Bench. The Secretary of the Colonies is fond of orchids. He could point out a fit and proper person to fill the position of Di- rector of the Government were the post vacant. The Leader of the Opposition in the Lower House has no opinion of ditto in the Peers, and ditto in the Peers returns the compliment. The English are fond of tortures, and willingly self-inflict them by attending London theatres in the off season. The air of Hawarden produces circumlo- cution. One eminent statesman holds another eminent statesman exceedingly cheap | And what one holds all hold. The best method of being interviewed is to question the interviewer. W.en a great Englishman passes away. it is the cruel fashion of the country to cast at his memory a stone statue. The experiences of a railway guard are far more interesting than the autobio grapby of an ex-Prime Minister. Orders are appreciated everywhere, bu‘ manufacturers like not only stars and ri bands, but entries on their books. Some one has called England the great loan land, and so it may be for the bene- fit of China. Many trains arrive two hours late, so without inconvenience, they should b: able to start a hundred and twenty min- utes after time. All newspapers are at once infallible anc contradictory. The inouisitiveness of a Mandarin need have no bounds so long as a Chinaman is regarded as a curiosity. Most British statesmen are mere lads And last, and most extraordinary of all no one can tell the true age of an Eng- lish lady. ‘*My Engagement.”’ Dear Str,—Seeing that this question is now exercising the public mind, I beg tc give my own experiences. I was engaged by Mr. Lear Frirznamuer for a provincial tour. We played to bad business for a week in the Immortal Bard’s tragedies. and then Mr. F. disappeared. This ex- perience so discusted me that I have never attempted a repetition of things theatrical, but am now in a shop where the ghost always walks. I am the wraith. Your obedient servant. : Horatio Hosss. Tight Street, Hammersmith. In East Dorsetshire. Cyclist (to Native). How many miles am from Wimborne ? Native. I dunno. Cyclist. Am IT near Blandford ? Native. I dunno. Cyclist (angrily). now ? Native. I dunno. [Cyclist speeds to No Man’s Land in the New Forest. Then what do you Wua ‘LL ER Missuus say?!” "Sy Two o'clock ! ‘*THASH ALLKI’ ! First Convivial, Second Convivial. SHAY You BIN wi’ ME—(hic)!” LONDON IN AUGUST. (By the Last Man left in Town.) Reawy it is a mistake to imagine that the mighty Metropolis is uninteresting when deserted by most of its inhabitants. Of course, Rotten Row is not quite itself without horses; still, there are trees, and now and again a watering-cart. rue, Bond Street looks a little bare without pretty frocks and prettier faces; still, there are omnibuses. And again, how de lightful it is to be able to wear a straw het without attracting attention in Pic- cadilly. And it is quite jolly to know that, as scarcely a theatre is open, there is no necessity to spoil one’s dinner by having |to rush off early to the play. Then, it is quite an experience to be an honorary member of some one else’s club, because your own Co-operative Palace is closed for the annual cleaning. In fact, London just now is simply delightful. es = YE YACHTING MEN OF ENGLAND. | (A Naval Ode, after Campbe 1.) Ye yachtsmen of old England, Upon our native seas Britannia ruled, for several years, The waves—our waves— with ease. But ye must launch a yacht again To match another foe, If you’d keep on the deep Our flag from falling low ; Where the battle rages hard and long, And abroad the prizes go. The Meteor flag—of Germany Doth now “terrific burn,” When will the foreign foe depart. And that long-lost “Cup” return? fill then ye Teuton prize-winners, Our song and feast must flow To the fame of your name (Though we built your yacht, know) Till we win the yachting crown once more, | And the Meteor flag hangs low! you For all that, an invitation to join a shooting party on the moors will not be rejected. Humbug at Homburg. Little American Girl. Mumma, why do you drink so many glasses of this nasty water ? Mumma. Hush, Vireria, here comes the Pr-nce of W-1-s! From A TRAVELLING CORRESPONDENT. “The next time that Mr. Biackmone wants to depict brigandage au naturel let him pitch his tent amid the dunes of Os- | tend. A forlorner aspect I do not know.” |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 29, 1896. OF THE FASHION - PLATE HEARING THAT THE SIZE oF THE ) BE INCREASED! (“* W re serious! sked to believe that th s fat against wasp roportions of the Venus of el in the immedia.e future.’ Daily Telegraph.) Puris issued waists, Milo wi IL FAUT SOUFFRIR POUR ETRE—LAIDE. [‘* Tight-lacing is coming in more than ever.”’ if Milo waist is to be revived.”’ mrs from the Fashion Papers.) Girl of the Pe * The Venus Conflicting run riod Sings :— ’Tis all very well, But how can I tell Which standard to take as a pattern? An up-to-date belle | Doesn’t wish to be dressed as a slattern. Some say, “‘ Don’t you flinch, But be ready to pinch Your waist—like a wasp you must force it” So inch after inch | To sixteen I lace in my new corset. But others declare “Have room and to spare, For Venus of Milo’s the fashion. — You'll look far more fair With no stays and not even a sash on!” So I wish that I knew Which mode to pursue— How to follow them both is a riddle! Many inches and few, They 're rival extremes for my middle. Well, if I were wise, I’d completely despise The corsetiére and her fiat, And wear my own size, Nature’s—and “Art” shy at! That ’s I’d_ fight Nomenciaturs. — The professional cricketer who makes a “ duck’s egg” ought surely to be dubbed a “ quack.’ How Otp are You?—Ask Li Hone CHANG. EXCURSIONS—AND ALARMS. [See complaints in the papers and reports of some police cases. } As you say, it is just the sort of day | to enjoy a trip down the river to Mar- gate. Hardly a ripple on the water, just a touch of north in the air, and—hullo! |is this Tilbury a'ready ? They ought really to make this landing- stage a little bigger. Do you think there will be room for all these people on the boat ? They have made room, anyhow. Now that we are all on board, I am quite con- | vinced that there are one or two hundred | Say ? | ness of my heart! in excess of the proper number of passen- gers. It certainly would increase the pleasure of the voyage if I could find a seat any where, or even a spare bit of bulwark to | lean against. What’s that vessel coming up behind at such a rate? A torpedo-destroyer ? | Hope it doesn’t take us for a torpedo. Looks as though it would run us down in | another minute. Why doesn’t our cap- tain get out of the way ?—the idiot! “Wants to get in the way,” did you} “ Because that is a faster steamer | belonging to a rival line, and our captain | does not intend to allow it to pass us?” | But, I say, it’s fearfully dangerous! “Bus | racing in streets bad enough, but a trifle | to this. Wonder if I could bribe Captain | to put me on shore at Sheerness ? Awful shave, that last! “Come and | have some dinner?” Couldn’t touch a | thing while this is going on. Wish my | doctor could see me now; he ordered me | to avoid all excitement because of weak- Here she comes at us | again! Missed us by a yard, by George! | Why, this is worse than a battle! At Margate at last! Feel ten years | older. Heart beating wildly. Had no| food for eight hours! Can’t eat now! | “Excellent seamanship on part of our cap- | tain to get in first?” Solely due to the | “hristian forbearance of the boat behind | in not ramming us. “Captain ought to | have a medal?” Ought to have six months, you mean. And some lively | vickpocket on board has stolen my purse. T find! “Not the first time that sort of thing has happened on these steamers?” No, but it’s the last time it will happen to me on them. come down by train! Reflection by an Unfortunate Backer of Horses. SranpING beside my own mud-scraper, I whistled for the “special” paper. “ Winner!” the boy cried in his glee ; But “loser” was the doom for me. Tue IRREPRESSIBLE JOKER AGAIN BatL).—Q. Where ought ducks’ eggs to be most readily found? A. At the Oval Bail estreated.) Mem. FROM THE Mavor’s SpPeE.uinc Book OF THE comING AvuTomMotoR AGE.— The horse is a noble creature, but very useless to man. An INDIVIDUAL NOT OFTEN MET WITH.- The backer who is never “smoked.” Goop News AFTER THE LAST CRICKET Matcu.—Rest for the wicket. What an ass I was not to} {ON | ' THE TRAVELLING CHINEE. (By a British Manufacturer, after Bret Harte.) Wet, I wish to remark— And I’m putting it plain— That for keeping things dark, And for making tricks vain, The travelling Chinee is peculiar— And I’ve tried all the furrineer strain. Li Hune Cuange is his name, Though some papers deny, In regard to the same, What that name might imply. Be it Cuone, Coane or Cuune, Tone or PoKER, It don’t make much difference—he’s fy! It was August the third When he first saw our skies; And it might be inferred We had landed a prize, And would also land orders—in plenty ; But prophecy’s always unwise! We had each our small game, And Li Hvne took a hand. We speak English; the same He does not understand. His interpreter does, and he questioned Through him in a way that was grand! As to “ wanting to know,” CLennam’s self was not in it! CHano’s questions would flow About twenty per minute ; And if catechisms the cake took, I’m certain the Chinese would win it. Our shops were all stocked In a way which I grieve That he—silently—mocked, With a laugh—in his sleeve ; And a Chinaman’s sleeves are capacious Beyond what you’d really believe. But as to a trade With that Travelling Chinee— Why, the most that we made Are, so far as I see, A sewing machine and a lawn tent, Which the same were delivered him— free! Ships and guns were all nigh, Which he gazed on with glee, But was not moved to buy. And I said, “ Can this be ? I fear it is not many orders We'll get from this Travelling Chinee ' Which is why I remark— And I put it quite plain— That for riddles most dark, And for questions quite vain, The Travelling Chinee is a caution, But orders he him do not rain! ’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Avaust 29, 1896. | IMPORTANT TO ALL, natural gas, will be found the least objectionable. BANGEKOE, SIAM.—* We HAVE UsED ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ during several important survey expeditions in the MALAY PENINSULA, 814M, and CamBopI4, and have undoubtedly derived very | great benefit from it. In one instance only was one of our party attacked with fever, and that happene after our supply of ENO'S ‘FRUIT SALT’ had ran out. When making long marghes under the power- | ful rays of a vertical sun, or travelling through swampy districts, we haye used KNO’§ ‘FRUIT SALT’ tw or three times a day in the following manner and proportions ;—At daybreak two teaspoonsful mix: with the juice of a raw lime, and a little sugar, in a tumbler of water; shortly afterwards a light meal! | of tea or coffee, bread and fruit ; about midday one small spoonfyl with paw lime-juice and water and before retiring for the night, another teaspoonful in water. ENO'S ‘ FRUIT SALT’ used as afore. | said acts as a gentle aperient, keeps the blood cool and healthy,and WARDS OFF FEVER. We have | pleasure in voluntarily testifying to the value of your preparation and our firm belief in its efficacy. | We never go into the jungle without it, and have also recommended it to others. Yours truly Commander A. J. LOFTUS, F.R.G.S8., his Siamese Majesty's Hydrographer; E.C. DAVIDSON, Saperin. | tendant Siamese Government Tele graphe Bangkok, Siam.” ZANZIBAR. THE Urrne DISTRICTS OF THE CONGO.—BLOO) POI}0NS.—A Gentleman writes ;—“ ENO’s ‘FRUIT SALT’ is without doubt the first in its cl iss in febrifuge | preparations. During my journeyings from Zinzibar to the Upper Districts of the Congo, as wel! as a long residence in the Tropics, I have never felt safe without it.—Yours truly, VERITAS.” USE ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT) IT 18 SIMPLE, SOOTHING, COOLING, REFRESHING, HEALTH-GIVING AND INVIGORATING IN HEALTH OR D SEASE. | XPERIENCE shows that POISONOUS ANILINE DY&S, PINK or CHEMICALLY COLOURED SHERIET, or ACIDULATED SHEKUW! masked with SUGAR, HAZARDOUS BRAIN-TIPPLES, or any form of PICK-ME-UP, Porter, Mild Ales, Port Wine, Dark Sherries, Sweet Champagne | Liqueurs and Brandies, are all very apt to disagree, while light white wines, and gin or old whisky, largely diluted with pure mineral water charged only with | ENO’3 ‘FRUIT SALT’ is peculiarly adapted for any constitutional weakness of the liver. It possesse the power of reparation where digestion has been disturbed or lost through alcoholic drinks, fatty substances, or want of exercise, and places the invalid o1 the right track to health. If its Great Value in keeping the body in health were universally known NO FAMILY WOULD BK WITHOUT IT THE VALUE of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ cannot be told. Its success in FUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AMERICA, AUSTRALIA, and NEW ZEALAND proves it There is no doubt that where it has been taken in the earliest stages of a Disease it has in innumerable instances prevented what would oth*>rwise have been @ serious illness, Tae effect of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ on @ disorderei and | feverish condition is SIMPLY MARVELLOUS. It is in fact NATURE’S OWN REMEDY and an UNSURPASSED ONE. CAUTION.—Ezxamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO'S ‘FRUIT SALT.’ Without it, you have been imposed on by a worthless and occasionally potsonous imitation Prepared only at ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ WORKS, LONDON, S.E, by J. C. ENO'’S PATENT. | ‘“ Beautifully Cool oy PE NTA” | BRILL’S | cna’ SEA s | Bracing and | _xotesning. SALT, FEED YOUR. CHil DR: Oe D® RIDGES ATENT COOKED FOO” Sold only in l-ounce Packets and 2, 4, and 8-ounce, and 1 Ib. Tins, | which keep the Tobacco in Fine Smoking Condition. Ask at all Tobacco Sellers, Stores. &e., and take no other. The wenuine bears the Trade Mark, “ NOTTINGHAM CASTLE,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER'S NAVY CUT CIGARETTES, and Sweet Smoking.” THE BST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. Of all Chemists and Mineral Walter Dealers Prices: 64., is, at Is 44. per bottle. TAKE A HINT ! Taiping Gam 6 ‘vaio p ite ov of dulness ip th head rred MT and dimolored tongue, BE WARNED! Geta bottle of LAMPLOUGH’S: PYRETIC SALINE | put a te «poonful in half a tumbler of water | and drink while it effervesces. If necessary | repeat in about two hours. IT WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF. . j Yana s “*tencagaannert” In Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 60, and 100.

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sctured in THREE siare at 10/6, 16/6 & 25/- EACH DR. HENRY S. LUNN ‘Hints to Trave all travel- says in his llers I strongly recommen |! Reduced Fac-swmile with them one of and Bard's ‘SWAN I have used and lers to carry Mabie, Todd, FOUNTAIN PENS.’ pens now for four years like them better every year."’ these ‘J 19 nearly perfect as inventive skill can produce your steel pen and We only require ta suitable pen. hand writing ty selec te] sted Cate my gue sent post free sapp iwwatton MABIE, TODD, & BARD, 93, Cheaps de, £.C., ) W., or (LONDON. v., 96a, Regent Strect, 21, Kensington High -t., CES. The only Brace for Hot Weather Note: None Grnuine unless bearing the Trade Sark ACARIC all Me and Stores every ” cont post fy f Postal Order e, London, B.C Acaries, and trade mark Dept , 4 f ‘Vhiti eio REWARD Nuyer r ’ » demanding fh. 1 a - = : wet est “4 to coemmunaiante sith ab addrens wale f WHICH, MARGE 1SON & oo 6. ond 17, Cheapside London, E.C., and al! He nd Drapery Houses A REAL SEA BATH in your own room. TIDMAN'S SEA SALT, PATRONISED psy tue ROYAL FAMILY BEST REMEDY for KHERUMATISM, WEAKNESS, TENDER FEET, & FINEST STRENGTHUENER and TONIC for All, Young and Old, MAY be USED at TEMPERATURE To avoid Worthless and Injurious Substi- tutes ask for TLIDMAN’S SEA SALT TIDMAN'S PURE TOILET BOAPS In TABLETS ONLY, GUARANTEED ALL PURE SOAP May be Safely Used by the Most Delicate and Sensitive. Also in SHAVING, for the BATH, and in all ERUPTIONS of the SKIN To avoid Inferior Imitations ask for TIDMAN’S TOILET SOAP. AGREEABLE any PUNCH, OR THE 30/-7o £ 6-0-0 LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveuvsr 29, 1896. 4 " THs Sata } BROOKE’S Won’t Wash Clothes. SOAP. FOR CLEANING, SCOURING, AND SCRUBBING FLOORS AND KITCHEN TABLES, FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR-RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, MANTELS, &c. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, MONKEY BRAND TARNISH, &c. Won’t Wash Clothes. S$. & H. HARRIS’S HARNESS COMPOSBITIO Warearn SADDLE PAST E ws _ Manulactory : : LONDON, E. N r Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. JOSEPH SLOTS Of Highest Quality, and Having Greatest Durability, are Therefore CHEAPEST. ORY ano MOORE'S | USED IN THE BOTAL 2s., Se., and 10s., everywhere. BEST FOOD: FOR INFANTS HOVWVIS BREAD. HOYVIS BISCUITS. H Ovi Ss Further particulars from S. FITTON AND SON, Millers, Macclesfield. Highest anees ee Food and Cookery Exhibitio keaton, Ma The public are sont med against accepting from Bakers spurious imitations of Hovis, whic h, havin met with such unoree. dented -uecess, is Deing copied in many in.tancts as closely as can be done without : isk dt re penmending ba? other Bread in the place ; * Hovis” do so for their own profit, BEWARE | Yrinted by William Stuart Smith, of No. Lombard Street, in the Precinct Loraine Koad, Holloway, in the Parish of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and pu! Bt. SS Narr Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. sradbury, Agnew, £ Co., Limited, lished by him at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—Satruauar, August 23, iso6. rrr rs eye eeeree lte 4 are Nos. “* BF eesentes.** Mtlewastrateda Frome -#j~- The Frolitica ’ *

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sesaaal ag.

e of the Rt. Hon. The Folitica iC >

NOW COMPLETED. ICTURES from “PUNCH” 6 Volumes edges, price 6/- each. In 3 montane pl A deen Volumes, 10/6 each. EVERY SATURDAY. PUBLISHED

This collection of Pictures and Sketches, now completed, oumprises a wide selection of the best and brightest of those which have appeared in PUNOH since its commencement. LEECH, KEENE, DOYLE, TENNIEL, DU MAURIER, SAMBOURNE, REED, PARTRIDGE, PHIL MAY, and many others are all represented, and the complete oolleotion, as here given, may be accepted as supplying in an agreeable and attractive form the best efforts of modern humorous artists in depicting the amusing aspects of the many-sided life of the British people throughout the last half century. [*4arevay. Acwmw. & Co Ln, - . hes ~ aw STS, bey ‘ b a 4 a 5 ) q - + is eG a veel ep : | “i (iE fat SS: | SW iM iS Upllgle? Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. irs

CE —+1-, bee LY OLIN Th eI a a set — SEPTEMBER 5, Pure PY TTA TY 4 SS SD wD >) PT TE MA TTSY.6 WS Coy baaeameamtention- 2.0 ates HijDhiay = ov Rewer Nh ) \ \ | yi a ii | PRICE THREE PENCE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 5, 1896.

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REAL GERMAN RA GROUND pore he 0 Bias k Handle, Se. 64. [Ivory Hendle, * oa. A Pair ory Handles, in Kussia leather case Gite ob Serdesen ont Dorie CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. Dairy Consumption, 50 Tons | SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE

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fay | conducted ember an | and ¢ orsicg ns, Com tantj |. Sir La... vert ter, Principal fahefy. Pro om Bex retary, ———— ieee ae LE } Seasile LS, LTD. owe! Serremper 5, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109 Village Boy (after interviewing Etcher at work). “’E ses 'E’s A-ITCHIN'’, BUT IT LOOKS TO ME MORE AS IF 'E WOR A-SCRATCHIN’ |" ROUNDABOUT READINGS. Srray Norges on Women. ScnorenHaver has, if I remember rightly, some very de tory remarks on women in general. His light and c works do not form part of my travelling library, and I am there- fore unable to quote from them word for word, which I should naturally do merely in order to controvert his shocking views. So far as my recollection serves me, however, he denies to woman beauty of face, grace of form, and intellect, and sends her out into the world stripped of every vestige of the admirable — with which the adoration of man has invested her uring all the years that have passed since Eve startled the awaking Apa into the first mariage de convenance of which any record has come down to us. . recia- rful I NEED not imitate the pessimist German by spreading any accusations I may make over so wide a field. Something ma be conceded to women. They prepare shooting lunches wit admirable care, and a lavish expenditure of jam—an excellent thing in woman and one ons appreciated by the wearied bringer down of grouse. They can pour out tea at breakfast, and towards the end of a week’s visit, may be counted upon to remember that you take or do not take sugar. They can leave cards on friends who have left cards on you; they can easily spend an hour on ing or adorning themselves, a feat of which few men in these degenerate days are capable. They can organise picnics, and actually take pleasure in them when wasps are not too numerous. They can, as young girls, manufacture a secret out of nothing, and then talk it over with other girls in corners to an accompaniment of mysterious gigglings, and to the exclusion of rude, intrusive boys. They can run long hat- | pins, apparently, through the very middle of their heads, with- | out doing themselves the least harm, and they can coax a five- shillings. All this and many other things they can do—but they cannot steer a pleasure-boat on the eons 4 Anp here I shall be met with indignant denials from various quarters. One objector will cite to me the case of MILLICENT who steered her brother to victory at the Gorehead Regatta. | remember her well. Her sleeves were tucked up above her elbows, she wore a lovely pink sash, and as her panting brother churned the silvery current into foam with his sculls she bobbed backwards and forwards in a manner traditionally associated with coxswains, and first yelled her encouragement to her brother, and then her defiance at ANGELA, who, in a rival boat, was steering her cousin over two sides of innumerable triangles. Yes, Mriiicent was undoubtedly a success—but then MILiicent isan exception. Then there was Nzxuie, a sylph-like figure, with a straw hat perched jauntily on the top of her fair locks, and the prettiest pair of little brown-leather on her shapely feet. I can see them still, aye, and in imagination hold them as I lace them one after another carefully on the back-bone of the at, and help their owner into her seat. Neuum steered a racing-boat, she ran into no banks, and when the occasion re- quired, she shouted “Look ahead” with a vigour that cleared our course as if by magic. Ne um was a triumph, but she, too, isan exception. I speak not of Mruuicent or Ne.ue, but of the average woman who goes on water parties. The average woman cannot steer. Oxszrve her as she gets into the boat. Her attendant swains are in their places at stroke and bow; another girl has been wedged into the bows. The steerer instals herself, and thus addresses her crew as they push off : — “Now, on which side ought I to sit? I think I could see better on the right side. There, will that do? Oh, but if I sit in the middle I can’t see anything. Ought I to pull both strings very hard like this? Why, they won’t move at all. But if I pull the left string we go to the left, and I’m sure that ‘s wrong, because I’ve always heard that you ought to pull the other string. Well, never mind; we’re getting along very nicely, and catching up the other boat. Oh, oh, there’s a boat coming the other way—which side ought we to go? They’re rowing right into us. Oh, do stop. . . . There, I knew the silly man would run into us. He needn’t have looked so angry »bout getting a ridiculous little bit of wood broken off his oar. Why didn’t he look round and watch where he was going? I do love this rocking about, don’t you, Mr. Harrison? Do try and keep close to the steam-launch. What? It makes rowing so uncomfortable? Well, you men are funny. . . . I don’t think it was my fault we ran into the bank, for I was pulling the left string as hard as I could. That was the reason, was it? course, I forgot. Now let me see; what ought you to do when you come to a lock? I know you do something with boat-hooks or whistles. Atice, can you whistle? No? I dare 7%, it doesn’t matter; the man will have to open all the same. hy did that woman glare at me so? She needn’t think it makes her look pretty, because it doesn’t. Oh, do take care, please do. Why is all that water pouring into the lock? There, I knew we should get eruhed. They oughtn’t to be in such a hurry. Be- sides, it woud be much simpler to open both sets of gates at each end together, and then we could slip through without all this fuss and bother. No, thank you, Mr. Harrison, I’m not a bit tired. I could go on steering all day in this delightful weather. Now, why did we stick in the bank that time? Why, I’ve dropped the string. Well, I suppose one can’t always do things perfectly.” Said Khalid’s Lament. {Admiral Rawson bombarded Zanzibar at 9 a.m., August 27.) Wnuart was the use of cannon? what was the use of words? We could not come to terms, For Rawson was one of the early birds And I was one of the worms. ‘‘My Engagemen .” Dear Mr. Puncn,—This discussion hits me in a vital and financial matter. I have been engaged all my life in fighting the enemy known as “The Writter. But still he swoops. Why not make it legal to shoot him on the wing? He too often pound note, or a bicycle, or a photographic camera out of an indulgent parent in less time than it takes a son to obtain ten swoops to conquer, in the opinion of, yours faithfully, The Refuge, N.W. Orrver Ooriack. VoL, cxI. L

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | (Serraxcen 5, 1896. MONEY AQVAN 10 ANY EXTENT ON \\| A GoOD SECURMY } HALA UA Apt edyaidedan ——— TRYING IT ON. S-lt-n of T-rk-y. “(1 WONDER IF THEY WILL LEND ME ANYTHING ON THIS LITTLE Lot!” Diplomatic circles fully recognise the powerful influence which financial considerations have had in bringing his Majesty the SuLTAN to adopt towards | the Cretans a conciliatory policy.— Daily Paper. |

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SepremBer 5, 1896.] ONDON CHARIVARI. 111 Travner. ‘‘NOW THEN, LOOK SHARP, AND GET MOUNTED.” Crack Light-weight. *‘ ALL RIGHT, Guv’NoR. I'M JUST WAITIN’ F .” OR MY VALET TO COME AND HELP ME OFF WITH MY OVERCOAT IMPRESSIONS ON TOUR. (Resulting from the Mania for Bold Advertisement.) Abergavenny. That fields are incomplete without a placard of “ Midnight Soap.” Bushey. That trees cannot get on without a notice of “ Some- body’s Paste.” _ Caterham. That hills are made for an announcement concern- ing “ Sauce.” Dover. That the sea cannot be noticed without an affiche anent “Patent Glue.” Ealing. That the suburbs exist for the display of “Cat Biscuit ” show bills. Farnborough. That a military camp must have a poster of the newest city paper, The Financial Farthing. Gravesend. That travellers en route for India must see “ Mr. Thingamy’s Travelling Tragedians from London.” Halifar. That people waiting for a train have time to master the details of the latest thing in “Disaster Insurance Com- panies.” Inverness. That Bonnie Scotland is the very place to learn the easiest and cheapest mode of “Housing Furniture in East Kensington.” Jarrow. That all who alight here will be interested in the fact that “Chose’s Starch is the best and cheapest.” Knebworth. That five minutes can be usefully employed in reading the “contents bill” of the North African Shareholder. Ladywell. That millions will hail with delight the assertion | that nothing can compare with “Blowtrumpet’s Influenza Lozenges.” Manchester. That there are at least thirty firms supplying “the premier bicycle of the century.” Norwich. That the enumeration of the qualities of “this season’s tea,” supplied by Messrs. So-and-so, is more entertain- ing than the charms of the oldest of cathedrals. Oban. That yachts are not in it with “Jams at 3d. a pound.” Perth. That all who live must learn to dye with the aid of advertisements. Queensborough. That “‘ De la Snobb’s Braces” are of paramount importance. Rochester. That “The Pungent Pickle is necessary to every household.” Scarborough. That life would be a burden without “The Patent Potato Peeler.” Uckfield. That existence is useless unless brightened by “ Th: New Shaving by Electricity.” Wye. That every want has an appropriate wherefore. Yeovil. That the memory is not to be blessed of the man who first introduced hoardings, with their accompanying adornments THE COXSWAIN’S “CENTURY.” [One of the best-known heroes on the south-east coast, Janvisn ARNOLD for twenty years coxswain of the Kingsdown lifeboat, who has played an active part in the saving of 100 lives from shipwreck on the Goodwin Sands, has just died. | So Charon’s death-boat o’er Death’s stream at last Ferries the life-boat coxswain! Well, the past To brave old JarvisH ARNOLD must supply An obolus e’en Charon can’t deny. The saviour of a “century” of lives, When at Death’s passage he at last arrives, Should find the transit easier by far Than he who slays his hundreds in red war. Better with Kingsdown’s coxswain take death’s chance, Than with some heroes of the sword and lance! THOSE WHO ARE NEVER OUT OF Spirits.—Licensed victuallers. Tue Reat Reap Dear.—A lady journalist.

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| a writ for breaching a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Sepremper 5, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunosno Jappersez, B.A.) No. XXII Mr. Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a solicitor—with certain reservations. I conctupep my foregoing instalment, narrating my service of romise of marriage, with a spirited out- burst of insouciance and devilmaycarefulness. ** Would be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee-caps.”’ But such courage of a Dutch evaporated deplorably on closer perusal of the said writ, which contained the peremptory man- date that I was to enter my appearance within the incredibly short notice of eight days, te ae judgment would be given in my absence ! Now it was totally out of the question that I was to prepare a long connate defence, and have the requisite witnesses, and also perfect myself in the customs and etiquettes of Common Law Procedure, all in such a ridiculously brief period; and yet, if I remained perdu with a hidden , I could not hope for even the minimum of justice, since, heigh-ho! les absents ont toujours tort. So that I shed blistering and scalding tears like | a spanked child, to find myself confronting such a devil of a deep sea, and my day was dismal and my night a nonentity, until, by a great piece of potluck, on going up next morni to the library of my Inn, | espied my young friend Howarp in the compound, busily employed in a lawn tennis game. Having ially poured the cat from my bag already into his sympathetic and receptive bosom, I decided to confide to him my hard case in its entirety, and so made him a secret sign that I desired some private confabulations at his earliest con- veniency, which he observing, after the termination of the match, came towards the remote bench whereon I was foriornly moping, and sat down kindly by my side. he youne Au.surTt-Iwnett, I am to mention here, had only just missed succeeding in the passing of Bar Exam owing to the imveterate malignancy of his stars and lack of a more industrial temperament ; but from the coolness of his cheek, and oe man-of-the-worldliness, is a most judicious and tip-top adviser to friends in tight places. z erede, for, when he had heard the latest particulars of my ing imbroglio, he promptly gave me the excellent ad- vice that I was to consult a solicitor; strongly recommending a Mr, Sipwsy Smartiz, who was a former schoolmate of his own, and a good thundering chap, and who (he thought) was not so overburdened as yet by legal business that he could not find time for working the oracle on my ! “ And look here, Jas,” he added (he has sometimes the extreme condescension to address me as an abbreviation), “I’ll trot you up to him at once—and I say, A 1 idea! tell him you mean to be your own counsel, and do all the speechifying yourself. Native — in b -new wig and gown, defen imself si ded from wiles of artful adventuress—why, you’ll knock the jury as if with old boots!” “ Alack,” said I, sorrowfully ; “though I am quite competent to become the stump orator at shortest notice, 1 do not see how I can enter my first appearance until I have carefully instructed Misters Ram and JaLranysHoy in the evidence they are to give and leave untold, &c., and a week is too scanty and fugitive a period for such preparations! ” “ Nonsense and stuff!” he replies, “ you will have a lot more than that, since the week only applies to entering an appearance —which is a mere farcical formality that old Sip can perform in your place on his head.” At which I was greatly relieved. But on arrival at Mr. Smanruz’s office in cery Lane, we were disappointed to be informed, by a small, juvenile clerk, that he was absent at Wimbledon on urgent professional affairs, and his return was the unknown quantity. However, after waiting till close upon the hour of tiffin, he unexpectedly turned up in a suit of knickerbockers, carrying a long, narrow bag full of metal-headed rods, and although rather adolescent than senile in physical “p I was vastly impressed by the offhanded cocksurety of his manner. My friend Howarp introduced me, and exhibited my doleful predicament in the shell of a nut, whereupon Mr. SmartLe jauntily pronounced it to be the common garden breach of romise, but that we had better all repair to the First Avenue otel and lunch, and talk the affair over afterwards. Which we did in the smoking-room after lunch, with coffee, liqueurs, and cigars, &c., for which I had to pay, as a Tommy Dod, and the odd man out of pocket. Mr. Smarrue, after listening attentively to my narrative, said that I certainly seemed to him to have let myself into the deuced cavity of a hole by so publicly proclaiming my engage- ment, but that my status as an oriental foreigner, and the fact asserted—viz., that my promise was extorted from me by compulsion and sheer physical fankiness—might pull me through, unless the plaintiff were of superlative loveliness (which, fortu- nately, is by no means the case). He added, that we had better engage WirHerineTon, Q.C., as he was notoriously the crossest examiner at the Common Bar. But to this I opposed the sine qué non that I am to have the sole control of my case in court, and reap the undivided kudos, assuring him that I should be able to cross-examine all witnesses until they could not stand on one leg. From some private motives of his own, he sought to overcome my determination, hinting that, as my calling and election to the Bar were not yet an ancient history, I might not possess sufficient experience ; and moreover that, by appearing in barristerial garbage, I should infallibly forfeit the indulgence shown by a judge to ordinary litigants; to which I responded by pointing out that I was a typical Indian in the matter of legal sublety and ready-made wit, and that, if not capable of conducting my own case, how then, could I be fit to undertake a logomachy for any third parties? finally, that it is proverbially unnecessary to keep a

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ee SepremBer 5, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113 dog when you are equally proficient in the practice of barking | yourself. | Whereupon, silenced by my a fortiori and reductio ad ab- | surdum, he gave ray; saying that it was my own affair, and, | anyhow, there would be plenty of time to consider such a matter, | since the plaintiff mi not choose to do anything further til | after the Long Vacation, and we could easily postpone the hear- ing of the action until the Midsummer of next year. f, however, earnestly protested that I did not wish so pro- | crastinated a delay, as I desired to make my forensic début at | the earliest possible moment, and “—e him to leave no stone | unturned to get the job fini by November at least, suggest- ng See 5 See Giamtain the naiited edévas the judge who was to try the case, I might call upon him, and, in a private and confidential interview, ascertain the extent of his disposition in my favour, and the length of his foot. To which Mr. Smartue replied that he could not recommend any such tactics, as I should certainly ascertain the dimensions of the judicial foot in a literal and painful manner. Now I must conclude with a livelier pi of intelligence: I am now in receipt of the wished-for invitation to visit the Aut- BuTtT-InNett family at the elegant mansion (or—to speak Scottishly—“ manse”) they have hired for a few weeks in the savage and romantic mountains of Ayrshire, N.B. Mrs. A. I. wrote that there is no shooting attached to the manse, but several aristocratic friends of theirs own moors in the vicinity, and will inevitably invite them and their visitors to sport with them, so that, as believed I was the keen sports- man, I had better bring my gun. Alack! I am not the happy possessor of any lethal weapon, but, having since this invitation practi diligently upon tin moving beasts, bottles, and eggs rendered incredibly lively by a jet of steam, I am at last an au fait with a crackshot, and no end of a Nimrod. I do ned Cees eae puschess © i for there is a young English acquaintance of mine who is Devil’s Own Volunteer, and who will no doubt have the good nature to lend me his rifle for a week or two. As to costume, my tailor assures me that it is totally un- necessary to assume the national raiment of a Scotch, unless I am prepared to stalk after a stag. But why should I be deterred by any eo from pursuing so constitutionally timid a quadruped? I have therefore commissioned him to manufacture me a petticoat kilt, with a chequered tartan, and other acces- sories, for when we are going to Rome, it is the mark of polite- ness to dress in the Romish style. The Caledonian costume is indubitably becoming; but would, I venture humbly to think, be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee-caps. EN ECOSSE. A Monsieur Punch. Dear Mister,—I come of to make a little voyage in Scotland. Ah, the beautiful country of Sir Soort, Sir Watuacz, and Sir Burns! I am gone to render visit to one of my english friends, a charming boy—un charmant gar: d his wife, a lady very instructed and very spiritual, their childs. I adore them, the dear little english childs, who have the cheeks like some roses, and hairs like some flax, as one says in your country, all buckled—touclés, how say you ? I go by the train of night—in french one says “ le sleeping ”— to Edimbourg, and then to Calendar, where I attend to find a coach—in french one says “un mail” or “un fourinhand.” Nom dune pipe, it is one of those ridicule carriages, called in french “wn breack,” and in english a char-A-banc—that which the english pronounce “ ibaingue”—which attends us at the gomg out of the station! Eh well, in voyage one must habituate himself to all! But a such carriage discovered— découverte—seems to me well unuseful in a country where he falls of rain without cease. Before to start I demand of all the world some renseignements on the scottish climate, and all the world responds me, “ All- days of the rain.” By consequence I procure myself some im- permeable vestments, one ea ace ard 4 coat, one mackintosch cape of Inverness, one mackintosch covering of voyage, one south-western ,» some umbrellas, some gaiters, and many | pairs of boots very thick—not boots of town, but veritable | “ shootings.” I arrive at Edimbourg by 2 morning of the most sads ; the sky grey, the earth wet, the air humid. Therefore I propose to my- | self to search at Calendar a place at the interior, et voila— and see there—the breack has no interior! There is but that ~ ‘a INGRATITUDE. Brown, ‘‘Wuy porsy’? WALKER sTOP TO SPEAK! THOUGHT HF KNEW you!” Smith. ‘‘Usep to; Bur I INTRODUCED HIM TO THE GIRL HE MARRIED. NEITHER OF THEM RECOGNISES ME NOW!” which one calls a “boot,” and me, Augusts, can I to lie myself | Thus I am forced | there at the middle of the baggages? Ah no! to endorse—endosser—my impermeable vestments and to protect myself the head by my south-western hat. Then, holding firmly the most strong of my umbrellas, I say to the coacher, “‘ He goes to fall of the rain, is it not?” He makes a sign of head of not to comprehend. Ah, for sure, he is scottish! I indicate the sky and my umbrella, and I say “ Rain?” and then he comprehends. “Eh huile,” he responds to me, “ah canna sé, mébi huile no hé meukl the dé.” I write this phonetically, for I comprehend not the scottish language. droll of conversation! Him comprehends not the english ; me I comprehend not the scottish. But I essay of new, “How many has he of it from here to the lake?” O’est inutile—it is unuseful. I say,“ Distance?’ He comprehends. “Mébi owi taque toua hours,” says he; “ beutt yile no fache yoursel, its no sé lang that yile bi owishinn yoursel aoua.” la what language, even to write phonetically ! I comprehend one sole word, hours.” Some hours Sapristi! I say, “Hours?” He says “Toua” all together, a monosyllable. Sans aucune doute ga veut dire “twelve” douze. Twelve hours on a breack in a such climate! Ah, no! C'est trop fort—it is too strong! “Hold,” I cry myself, “attend, I descend, I go not!” ; descend, for f am entouré—how say you?—of voyagers. We are five on a bench, of the most narrows, middle. And the ch before us is also complete, and we touch him of the knees. And my neighbours carry on the knees all sorts of packets, umbrellas, canes, sacks of voyage, &c. n'y a moyen—he has not there mean. And the me yer sittinn.” c ately. II va tomber de la pluie! quel voyage! Then he mounts to “Ss om a a? — ouze res on Dieu, lace Agree, &., AvoGustTs. At Scarborough. ’Arriet (pointing to postillions of pony-chaises). Why do all them boys wear them jackets? ; ’Arry. There’s a stoopid question! Why, they ’re all jockeys a-training for the Ledger, of course. It is true that I see not how I can to me I am at the | Ti | coacher says | “Na, na, monne, yile no ghitt doun, yile djest baid ouar |

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? to George, who is escorting his Sister to a Party). ‘‘Now ‘* On — ER--WELL— YOU CHAPS DON’T LIKE IT, You KNow!” Vumma Cleorge. KNOW, MoTHER, IT DOESN'T Do 5, 1896. ““ SAVOIR-VIVRE.”’ MIND YOU KEEP AN EYE ON MINNIE.” FOR A FELLOW TO BE ALWAYS WATCHING HIS SIsteR OTHER Lt HUNG CHANG’S ONE JOKE. Tere has been much written in the papers about two jokes said to have been made by Li Hune Cuane during his visit to Newcastle. One was translated, the other was not. Those who heard both think the one left untranslated was by far the funnier. His Excellency, for his part, is reported to have ex- ceedingly enjoyed both, laughing till his pig-tail almost came off. “Two jokes? my dear Tony,” said his Excellency, when the M.P. saw him off at Southampton, bound for New York. “There has been only one joke connected with my visit to your country, buc that has been a real good ’un. Several times it has occurred to me when I have been in public. I have had to say some unconsequential things, like those two remarks at New- castle. Then Lo Fexe Luu, who has a large mouth, and says, ‘His Excellency has made a joke.’ You people round for it, under the table, in corners of the room, up on the ceiling, as if it were a fly, and I quietly enjoy my own laugh.” “And what, Sir, if I may put the question without giving notice, is the joke?” “The joke, my dear Tosy, is that all you outer barbarians, this country, insist that I have come here to give big orders for ironclads, for guns, for railways, even for sewing-machines. I saw your picture of me at Joun Buti’s counter, with Germany, laughs, | look all beginning at Berlin, going on to Paris, swarming round me in| | France, and the rest looking in, wondering if I was going to | buy anything here. Ha! ha!—Who drew that? TrennreL? How old is Tennte.? How much a year does he get ?—Well, |when I am taken to your foundries and workshops, and ship- | building yards, with the expectation that I will forthwith buy | everything up, I nearly kill myself with trying not to laugh in | your face. That is why I sometimes go in a corner of a room |and for a few minutes turn my back on the company. That is why Lo Fence Luu, who values his place and his head, whenever he sees me beginning to go off, translates something to you and | says, ‘His Excellency jokes.’ | ** Good-bye, Tony Excuse me running off, but I feel a fit of laughter coming on. Don’t forget to come and see us in | China. You’re a nice dog. I’m so fond of you, I could eat | you. Ha! ha! Must tell that to Lo Fene Lun. It’ll do for lone of ‘His Excellency’s jokes’ when we get to the United | States, and they begin all over again with their big guns, their lironclads, their railways, and their sewing-machines.” At’ Grouselle Tower, N.B. Invalid (to early returning sportsman). What, back already! | Good bag ? : | Sportsman. Yes! the head keeper, the MacWuuskey’s cap, |and my uncle’s favourite setter. I’m going South to-night.

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worth. She is for sale.) | Atack! alas! and well a-day, | Unkempt, forsaken, lovelorn, old, | | I’ve danced the Lancers on your deck, The Viétory on Portsmouth tide | The whilom mistress of _the Globe, and probably in many other | cover to be an “ Advt.” until you come to SepremBer 5, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117 | gant auctioneering art of fanciful-descrip- | mencing, “All amateurs of e worldly holidays,”—where, at once, the eye rrested | laboratory. ee “MARIA WOOD.” (A Lament by a City Man.) The Morning states that the famous barge, Maria | guages Wd, is now lying in a dreadful condition off Isle- Maria Wood! Maria Wood! You once were young, and trim, and gay, Maria Wood! Maria Wood! But, now bereft of paint and gold, a placard, “To. be sold” For fire-wood, Maria Wood? You You’ve had your time, ’mid ee my Maria Wood! Maria Wood! You’ve borne with many a river romp, Maria Wood! Maria Wood! I’ve wasted on you many 4 cheque, And now must you become a wreck, Maria Wood! Maria Wood? > Maria Wood! Maria Wood! Is still of ocean queens the pride, Maria Wood! Maria Wood! And can your claim less doubtful be On us, who never sailed the sea, But loved your horse-drawn majesty, Maria Wood! Maria Wood? Shame! that this sight should e’er be seen, Maria Maria Wood! Shame! that the world can be so mean, ‘ Maria Wood! Maria Wood! Up, up, ye cits, dispel this dream! Restore the splendours that beseem the stream Maria Wood! Maria Wood! Picrurgsqvue ADVERTISEMENT.—The ele- tive - advertisement - composition has not yet departed from among us. The genius of Joun Rosiys still inspires the com- pounders of these attractive mixtures. In favoured papers, there recently eee’ and no doubt frequently appears, a delight- ful sample of this style in a Poenif delicately. prin paragraph, which you do not dis- within three lines of its last word, com- legant and and the action of the brain are a’ by the simple adjective “worldly.” You expect, after this, a sermon, a goody lecture, or at least some highly moral advice. Not a bit of it. The pa only announces the foot that Outen ia in splendid watering-place within three hours by boat of Dover. Then it gives a kind of onte Cristo account of the Kursaal, of the saloons, of the society, and it finishes with this magnificent cli are spoken as in Babel and Monte Carlo. Attractions are also identwal.” Now we know what went on in Babel. The tour de force at Babel must have been a breaking of the bank, and consequent dispersion of the gamblers using all sorts of language. Antiquarian research wi owe a great debt to the compilers of this paragraph from which we have quoted, and which is, after all, only an advertise- ment for a certain Tea-grower in Ceylon. THE DOOM OF DULWICH. (By an old Dulwich Boy in Doleful Dumps.) Aas for the famous old inns! Ah! progress is ail very well, But one of its shockingest sins Is ringing antiquity’s knell. The “Crown” and the “ Half Moon” are one And _— "they the “ Greyhound ” attack. Ah me, for old frolic and fun the days that will never come back! Old Dulwich is now merely dull, Wit shines with a feebler and slacker ray. The “Greyhound” of memories is full Of the brave days of Dickens and THACKERAY. Now the fine old-world flavour is fled, Old landmarks are gone and I’m baffled ; New bricks are wherever I tread, My feet stray in a forest of—scaffold. The Dulwich | used to adore Is now grown almost out of knowledge. The fields I once roved are no more, Next, no doubt, they will pull down the College ! Fine gentlemen now could not meet To settle disputes—by a duel. They might as well try Regent’s Street To give one another their gruel. A nice little party, for bowls, Used to meet at that white-painted wicket But now Jerry Builders, the ghouls, Have robbed us of bowls, quoits, and cricket. I used here with a rusty old gun To pop round those meadows—for sparrows ; I used there with a well-beloved One To shoot at a target with arrows. But archery ’s now obsolete, A stroll in dear Dulwich now sickens ; A Dickens no more may I meet, a Dulwich has gone to the ickens ! CALVES AND CASH. Friend of the Family. And your eldest boy, how is he getting on at school ? Materfamilias. Well, he just. manages to keep clear of being superannuated, which is very sati ~ F. of the F. (drily). Very. Not good at Greek, eh ? M. Oh, he doesn’t learn Greek. He’s on the Modern Side, you know. He only ‘blew himself up once last term—in the And he’s made half of a working model ‘. eae e, in his engineering set, he tells us. "Pot the F. And his health ? M. Capital! He himself always ye you know—we allow him an extra beefsteak for breakfast every day— climax :—“ All lan-| th will | why should he not be a wran end he has the biggest calves and thighs of any boy of his age in the school. F. of the F. (doubtfully). Calves and ighs; but will that sort of thing be much — to him in his future profession —the Law, I think you said? M. (calmly). We have given up all idea of the Law for him. F. of the F. Indeed! Perhaps he has a good head for mathematics, and if so, ler ? M. He can’t understand the first book of Euclid. But so long as he can add up pounds, shillings, and pence, and plenty of them, that is all that will be required of him in the profession which we have selected for him. F. of the F. (getting tatergated) Then th, of of his what is to be his path in life M. Why, the eyeling racing course! e can follow the lea sister. Listen to this: “One well-known wheeler has earned £2,000 in prizes alone during the past seven months, apart from the heavy retainer which he receives from the tyre and cycle manufacturers whose properties he uses. A leading professional cyclist has an income of from £1,500 to £2,000 a year.” Where is the Law com- pared with that? F. of the F. Nowhere, of course. But —er—would you call it exactly a liberal ow (eared Oh, I believe the track . y)- ieve the t proprietors are Neral enough—pay about £70 to you if you win, and * ph lose. Our boy says he “would much rather be a wheel-driver than a quill-driver.” So we’re going to let him. F. of the F. (trying to wer old- fashioned 8 ager . Well aps you are wise. Hope he avoid spills, that’s a (Wonders, all the way home, if his own son (at the Bar) will ever make as much in a year as a crack cyclist earns from one exhibition. An Eastern Question Answered. Waar is the distinction between the In- nts and the Turks? former are the “Cretans,” and the latter the “ Dis-crete ’uns” (in yielding te the persuasion of the Powers). On the same subject, and providing another answer to the same question, a correspon- dent, signing i ‘ of Paris,” writes, “ Les premiers sont des Chrétiens et les derniers sont des erétins.” Tue Portat or THe Brain.—Gateshead.

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[Szpremper 5, 1896. _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SELF-EXPLANATORY. THE CRY OF THE CRICKETER. (In a Pluvial Autumn.) RaINn, rain, go away, Come again before next May! The driving shower and chilling raw gust Are most inopportune in August. Rain has a chance to reign, remember, Till early summer from September. Why come and spoil cricket’s last pages, Our wickets—and our averages ? Quire tHe Rieut THING TO Do, Boy!”—The Prince of Monaco, last week, MY announced that he had bank” south of the Azores Archipelago. Of course he at once sent it off to Monte Carlo, where it will be uncommonly useful —until it is broken. Sometuine Miitary.—The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess, individu- ally and collectively, more money than those of any other regiment in her Ma- jesty’s service. If this be so—we name no names—these gallant heroes ought to be known as “The Tin Soldiers.” “discovered a/| | SUGGESTION FOR CHANGING THE TITLE or a Ristnae Sgasipe Resort. — For persons whom Providence has blessed with affluence and corpulence, Birchington, on the coast of Kent, has one advantage over Broadstairs, in possessing a Bungalow Hotel, on whose wali is advertised, ‘No | Stairs.” Now, as “ Birchington-on-Sea” is quite distinct from Birchington-on- t’other-side-of-the-Line (L. C. & D.), and _as it does not, as yet, find its name recorded in any map, why should not this | place, when there exists such a paradise |for the portly as the above-mentioned |hotel, assume the title of “Nostairs,” which it could easily do without affecting the popularity of ancient and highly- respectable Broadstairs? If there i a town council of Birchington, and if it be a “weighty body,” surely a place of No- stairs would be an important considera- tion in the eyes of such a Birchington Cor- ae N.B.—Never miss the annual oddydendron Show at Birchington. Boys admitted en bloc. An Era THat some Otp Stacers YEARN | TO SEE.—Fin de cycle! SPORTIVE SONGS. A Sportsman in the Highlands"remembers a last year's incident of the Lak. of Como. Do you forget the peerless night We spent by fair Bellagio’s strand? E’en now I feel the pure delight Of holding tight your little hand, Of hearing all your answers made In accents too divine to last, Of knowing you were half afraid To tell why ’twas your heart beat fast! Ah, me! the scene comes back anew :— The starry splendour\of the sky, rhe ripple of the water blue— ; Yes, blue it was—the moon was high, And silvered every by | wave With greater sheen than it was worth, While lambent fire the oar would lave, As Heaven bent down to kiss our Earth. Jur boat, like some enchanted bark, When where and how it pleased to stray. some call the midnight moments dark, They shone for us that 7. jo on the lake’s broad bosom rocked, Reluctantly we steered for shore— | Your grandmamma was rightly shocked, Your grandpapa was something more. And so we parted, ne’er again That v; nt vigil to enjoy. Let dull rum croon her strain, She cannot make of gold alloy, She cannot definitely raze Vhe castles that we founded then! She cannot spoil the hymn of praise That may be sung by voiceless men! A while, and but a little while, And yet so long since that adieu. Am I so very versatile? Or is the changeful other—you? that as may. Herewith receive Some tokens of my Northern “ nous,” [ send—my skill don’t disbelieve— A salmon, and three brace of grouse! “Lancers For THE Capz.”—The Daily Telegraph, in its report of the departure of the Ninth Lancers from the docks, notes that among the distinguished per- sonages awaiting to receive them and see them off, were Major-General Luck and Sir Tuomas SuTHERLAND of the “P. and 0.” The gallant Ninth did not take Gene- ral Luck with them, though “Good luck go with you” was of course the universal send-off wish. “General Luck” does not imply “Special Luck,” though that he is Good Lvok cela va sans dire. But maybe the Chairman of the “P. and O.” wished that this paticular Luck should remain with him, and so he did. Awful Lapsus Lingue. (The Contributor is cashiered.) His task of his wit will make trial. He’ll be vor et Pretoria nihil! Lost, Misstnc, anp Wantep.—The cus- Emperor. Reporters please note. SON BEEN GREATLY EN-Hants-Ep.—Captain WYnyYarp. APPROPRIATE NAME FOR CERTAIN CHEAP anD Nasty Wines.—The Sink Ports. Mr. ConyneuaM GREENE to Pretoria goes. | Great linguist is he, but we do not suppose tomary weekly harangue of the German | A CricKkTER wHose Fame HAs THIs SEA-

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| To Fair, Fat, and Fifty I fill to the brim, SepremBer 5, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Sheridan's Toast adapted to the” Time.) “* Mrs. Hardcastle, in She Stoops to Con * i} sake a London visitor * What is to be the fashion-| | able age next Season!’ She learns that fifty is to be that haleyon period.’’—Daily News.] Modern Sir Harry Bumper sings :— A rie for the maiden of bashful fifteen, She’s mawkish, and silly, and shifty. Here’s to Society’s genuine queen, Here ’s to the Woman of y! Chorus— the toast pass To the elderly lass, I’ll warrant she’ll prove an excuse for the glass ! Here’s to the matron whose humour we prize! Now, the maiden of fifteen has none, WERE ’S TO THE FEMALE OF FIFTY! | | ir She has only a pout, and a pair of doll’s eyes ; The fifty-year nymph is good fun, Sir! Chorus—Let the toast pass, To the cheery old lass! I warrant she ’ll tell you a boy is an ass! Bother the maid with a bosom of snow, Rosy cheeks, and red lips like a cherry! She’s dull as a sermon, she’s not in the now, And she’s shocked if you’re mellow or | merry. Chorus—Let the toast pass, To the jubilee lass! The Woman of Fifty alone is first class! The young’uns are awkward, and silly,| and slim, | 7H A fifty-year girl’s in full feather. Fifty knocks out fifteen altogether ! Chorus—Let the toast pass, | The Bishop's Wife Drink the Old Lass! | SMELLING SALTs ?” I’ll warrant fifteen is not worthy a glass. | The Vicaress. ‘‘Ou YM eae COM PIVERALITIA 1/4 y, . 6 efi fi THE BISHOP’S SERMON. (to the Vicaress, who is getting drowsy). } ‘May I LEND you mY NO, THANKS! I WOULD MUCH RATHER GO TO SLEEP!” AT HOME AND ABROAD IN LESS THAN A JIFFEY. (By Our Travelling Impressionist.) Earty to bed and early to rise. Breakfast at eight, in one’s own dear home (never dearer than when the rates are five and sixpence in the pound!), and then away to the Victoria terminus of the L. C. and D. R. At nine, sharp, starts the capital express for Dover, reaching the favourite Cinque-port shortly before eleven. From the comfortable carriage to the luxurious boat, and the coast of France is reached as A.M. changes to p.m. Then, after a practical recognition of the culinary attractions of the admirable buffet of the Hotel Ter- minus, away to the market-place, and (with the assistance of a car) to the sea-shore. The plage is reached—Calais Plage! _And now you are in front of the sea. The sands are free from niggers, brass bands, and other irritating distractions. Ex- tending for about half a mile is a row of small apartments. Each apartment has folding doors, which can be closed and locked. And now I am particularly attracted by an apart- ment which has an awning in front of the entrance, decorated with two small tricolour flags. In my mind I .christen this war-like looking apartment “The Citadel.” In front of it are the regulation two little girls digging the customary hole. A gentleman of middle age—say about sixty—emerges from the Citadel, carrying in his hand a small Japanese kite. He looks towards the sea, and then prepares to fly the paper repre- sentation of the strange bird he clutches. He seizes his oppor- tunity and throws the kite in the air. The ascent is not a success. The strange bird plunges one way, then another, and finally descends. The gentleman of middle age seeks advice. He addresses someone in the Citadel. His appeal is nded to by a French military officer in full uniform! The General (he can scarcely be less than a General) has his kepi, his tunic, his spurs, and his legion d’honneur! However, he shows that he is not on duty by wearing his tunic unbuttoned at the waist, and smoking. He is enjoying a long German pipe. The General gravely regards the wind, and offers a suggestion. The gentle- _ man of middle age (I take him to be the warrior’s brother) bows acquiescence and lengthens the tail of the kite. Ah, the good hour! The kite rises and rests steadily, supported by the breeze. Then the string is pegged into the sand, and the relatives supply themselves with long-handled spades and begin digging. But what is this? Why, a lady passing along has become entangled in the string of the kite. Thus disturbed, the strange bird (known better in Japan than in Europe) has suddenly descended. The lady offers to the General and his brother a thousand apologies. The amende is courteously but gravely accepted. The warrior brings himself sharply to “ atten- tion” as he gives a military salute. The kite rises once more, and the peg is restored to its sandy bed. Then there is a con- sultation—a council of war—to decide how in future the peg shall be protected. The General hits upon an idea. He fetches from the Citadel a small French flag. He places the banner of his country next the peg. From that moment the kite is under the protection of the drapeau of la belle France! Having succoured the kite, the General and his brother return to their digging. Now comes a cessation of work to watch a veritable sportsman walking along the sands in search of prey. The veritable sportsman carries a real gun and a real game bag. The latter looks as if it had been bought at a toy-shop. On either side of the veritable sportsman march a boy and a priest. The boy no doubt will, when the important moment is reached, let off the gun. And if there is an accident the services of the chaplain will be accepted with gratitude. Those who have not apartments on the sea-shore have now noticed that the shadows are becoming longer. En route! Back by the car “in the service of the administration” to the market-place. From thence to the good steamer of the L. C. and D. R. is but a few minutes’ walk. The Paris train arrives, the bell rings, and the excellent vessel backs out of the harbour. En route! e are at Dover! En route! We have reached Victoria. And then in less than a jiffey we are seated at dinner. And while we are eating in London the happy families of Calais Plage are no doubt locking up their day apartments before the sea and preparing to occupy the neighbouring chdlets. May their night dreams be as pleasant as the day reality!

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—____. [Serremper 5, 1896. Sy —— THWARTED AMBITION. She. ‘You pip ®TaARTLE ME! I THOUGHT YoU WERE DEAD!” He (a trifle bitterly). ““I DECLARE YOU SEEM QUITE DISAPPOINTED I'm nor IN Arrica!” She apologet cally ‘*No WANT TO SEE gs ; I pon’T MEAN THAT. OnLY—I DO 80 A GHost THE PENDULUM OF WEALTH. (A Forecast.) Cuarrer II,—‘‘ Beperto crede.” Tue Duchess was about to speak, when a ful knock sounded on the door, and in response to the Duke’s loud “Come in,” an aged man in the threadbare uniform of a major-domo entered, and, bowing low, whispered in tremulous accents :— “Mr. MacLazarus, your Grace, is here. He says, by ap- pointment.” “Quite right, Puantacenet,” said the Duke. “Show him in. Stay, turn on that other light.” | “The pictures must go, then,” sighed the Duchess. “Can’t | you——” “They must, madam,” broke in the Duke, sternly. “Let us have no scene over the matter. Let this money-grabber see that a VANPERKEN can swallow misfortune as easily as a little neck clam.” The Duchess gave a little shiver, but managed to raise up a watery smile when Mr. MacLazarus was announced. He was | a well-dressed gentleman of perhaps forty, slim and fair, with | no trace of opulence in his appearance, except in the matter of | his waistcoat buttons, each one of which was a single black pearl of great size. His manners were most finished, and on the Duchess putting forth her hand, he raised it to his lips = infinite respect, but forbore to touch the delicate white SKIN. “Your Grace sees,” he observed, drawing a nickel Water- bury watch from his pocket, “that I am, as usual, punctual.” “ Just so,” said the Duke, without attempting to produce a timekeeper. “ What’s the news?” “There’s a considerable fall in stocks,” replied Mr. Mac- Lazarus. “It is, however, expected that Mexicans will re- cover and——” “Povh!” interrupted the Duke, rather rudely, “I wasn’t referring to your world, but to mine. How are we getting on?” Mr. MacLazarvus paused before replying to the ducal query. Then he said cautiously, with a com onate smile, “ Badly, | your Grace, very badly. The Earl of Poromac is going through | the Court, Lord Massacnvuserts is selling his estates, Sir Rir | = Wrnxtz has lost a fortune over the Duke of Niagara Stakes.” “How dreadful!” cried the Duchess,,~‘ And is it -true that Lady Curcaco has eloped with Mr. Wernscnnttze the brewer? ” “Unfortunately, it is,” replied Mr. MacLazanus. “The news has caused a great sensation at Court. The is furious, and the Princess of Tammany has removed Lady Syst Spioper —Lady Cuicaco’s sister—from the number of her Maids of | Honour.” “Poor girl!” said the Duchess; “she is not to blame.” “Nonsense!” snorted the Duke; “she’d have married WeEINSCHNITZEL herself if she’d only had half a chance. But let’s to business, MacLazarvus, for I guess you’ve other fixings to look after.” “T have, your Grace,” said the financier, suavely; “but at present I am at your commands. Let me see,” he added, re- | ferring to a notebook, “ you desire to dispose of your collection | of pictures, including the Whistler, the Marcus Stone, and two so-called Turners——” “How do you mean—the so-called Turners?” broke in the | Duke, angrily. “T regret to say,” said Mr. MacLazarvus, calmly, “that the | Turners, the Millais, the Leighton, the three Herkomers, the | Dicksee, and four out of the five Leaders, are undoubtedly | copies.” ‘Copies! ” echoed the Duke, hotly. “Do you mean to tell | me that I am proposing to sell you a parcel of shams? You’d | scarcely have ventured to say as much to my grandfather, the first Duke, who lived in the good old days of smart shooting. | I suppose he was fooled when he laid out over a million on this collection ? ” “TI regret to say he was,” answered Mr. MacLazarvs, with the greatest possible sang froid. “But I beg your Grace to understand that I do not say all the picturés are forgeries.” “Forgeries!” shouted the peer, rising from his seat and breaking his pipe violently on the table. “Forgeries! How dare you use such a word to me?” And he advanced, boiling with rage, towards the imper- turbable dealer. The affrighted Duchess flung herself upon her usband’s neck, crying, “O! JonaTHan, JONATHAN, calm yourself ! ; (To be continued.) AT CODDLETON-ON-SEA. [The British Medical Journal warns parents against allowing their children to paddle in the ml Tue attention of parents cannot be too seriously drawn to ther dangers of the sea-side. Take crabs, for instance, though we don’t advise the average parent to take a crab unless he is wed to them. A little boy that we know of was bitten by a ‘rab on the sands, and the effect of the bite, possibly aided by » fall of twenty feet from the pier on to some rocks, produced 'ruin fever! The only safe plan is, not to let children go near he sands. Bathing on a shingly beach is most dangerous. We have heard of instances where children have cut their feet on the sharp vebbles, which might have ended in blood poisoning and laming for life, had not the blood been in an exceptionally pure con- dition. Such cases should act as warnings. Never think of bething till all the shingle has been cleared away! Donkey-riding at the sea-side is also very deleterious. A lad of eight, who fell from a donkey, has been so mentally injured that he seems incapable of doing simple addition sums, though when at school he could do compound subtraction. It is true that his mother ascribes the circumstance to the fact that “ JoHNNY never will do sums in holidays,” but we prefer to believe that a brain-lesion has occurred, which must be serious and may be permanent—always supposing that Jonnny has any brain to be lesed, which, considering his mother’s inaccessibility to medical advice, is doubtful. : It is hardly necessary to add that the prudent parent will rigorously discourage such dangerous weapons as_ spades, buckets, and toy boats. A spade skilfully used can amputate a toe, the mainmast of a boat may put out an eye, and a baby, after considerable practice, might contrive to drown itself in its own bucket. Don’t let children have any good games, either. Games make them hot and feverish. Coddling, and coddle- liver oil, and plenty of both, may make your children somewhat fretful, and a little unbearable in small lodgings, but it will preserve them from some of the awful perils sketched above. An op Sone (SLIGHTLY ALTERED) LIKELY TO BE POPULAR IN Evrors tras Avrumn.—“ Have you seen the Czar, boys, have you seen the Czar?” —

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'd 1e 1s tO th od PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARI. —Serremper 5, 1896. BSINTHE PERNOD FILS. | APPETISING, REFRESHING. STIMULATING, ASK FOR PERNOD FILS ABSINTHE. THE BEST BRAND.) ESTABLISHED 1805. At all Bara, Hotela, and Wine Merchants. Agents -A. SMYTH & CTE., 18, Ghaussée D’Antin, Paris. | One button does it, POCKET _ KODAK. es Acomplete camera on a small scale, Weighs only 5} ounces. Size of Picture, 14 x 2 inches. Carries a spool of light-tight film for 12 exposures. Loaded and unloaded in daylight. Fitted with new automatic shutter; brilliant view finder. PRICE, Loaded with 1:2 Exposures of Film, £1 Is. EASTMAN, aw 115-117 Oxford St. London, W. PaRIS: 4 Place Vendéme | (eRreiceEtack: | ep eale Powder fen tit This Grand Old Whiskey is a biend of the _— most famous HIGHLAND 8MALL Lis. ample bottle post free on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 64. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO, A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE 10 TAKE. POR | AM A: R CONSTIPATION, Hemerrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and I N DI E N Intestinal Troubles, Headache. GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, S.E. SOLD BY ALL OHEMISTS AND DiUGGISTS, 2s. 64, A BOX. EERINGS stoa: | CopENHAGEN (HERRY BRANDY. | The Best liqueur | FRERES’ FIAST QUALITY Holders of Fifteen Royal 7 LOSI ; Poenecy Veorrasce. Per- : fectly Harm j tess; Will ‘Egerton” Permanent Dye. | For paris a Csi NDI ja) ted BEM. ond phess wi ach, pre od Oh an immense and — H venting ite PURE WOOL. The ‘ % and 25, HART 8T. BLOOMSBURY, W.C. Sold by all Laaptre Meacuarts throughout Twpra and the Covowres. made Skirts, Gentle rehensive selection, " conversion men's and Hays’ Suits, fn the most Pashion i %, inte Fat Sold Overcoa' fe. to/| able, Pinin and Fancy! byaliChemiste special measure, self Weavings These G ~n 4 wey forms, BRST and: | Send stamp for pam phiet. . OST i ot dpi spel BOTANIC MEDICINE GO. 3, NEW OXFORD Sr., W,0, tion of PATTERNS for irxure sorm. Curringe en AUTUMN and WINTER Paid on orders of 2s sent Post Pree onappli- Ne Kindly men- cation to *Chitain PFoncte” & tion this paper. ; ik. anenes EGERTON BURNETT, L1D.,|| Beas 6 stam colour by axis fiat Berge Warehouse, WELLINGTON, Som, | | Price 65 10 4..214. For tore " deel “THREE GASTLES” CIGARETTES. Mild and Fragrant. Manufactured from the Finest Selected Growths of Virginia. a THE f THREE CASTLES 4 TOBACCO, MILD AND FINE CUT Green Label), specially adapted for Cigarettes. MEDIUM STRENGTH AND COARSE CUT (Yellow Label), strongly recommended fer Pipe Smoking Both kinds are s0ld in 1-02. and 2-02. Square Packets, and ¢-4b. Patent Air-Tight Tins. W.D. &H. O. WILLS, Limited, BRISTOL and LONDON. “Rn, Gee Wine Carte CORDON HOTELS. Vicor London. ‘opole, Brighton " Wille, Margate Gra:d, , Eostbourne lst er Hotel, Ryde W.. and the Riviers A fret Caterers in the United om “* Superior ¥ Wines of Italy.” LONDON, E.C. ROAD : SKATING It on} iy uires a little practice on the NEW ( RITTE IAD SKATE to enable anyone wh has never had on a pair of skates to attain pr ficiency, and be able to skate on the roads at any speed up to 16 miles an hour CAN BE FERN AND TRIED AT THE ROAD SKATE Co.'s suow Rooms, 271, Oxford Street, W . 4 4 4 . 4 . ‘ 4 4 4 4 . 4 ‘ 4 4 4 4 ‘ . 4 . ‘ . 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ‘ . 4 ded 7 “PASTEUR” (Chamberland) a my E R. ‘The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.”—Buarrisn Mepicar Jounna: “A real preventative of water- borne disease.””—Lawcrr. Te be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealer or from the Maker«. J. DEFRIES & SONS, @ 47, Hounsvrton, Lorpor, E4 e “FOR THE BLOOD 1S THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FARED BLOOD MIXTURE Is warranted to cleanse the blood from ail impurities, from whatever cause arising For Scrofula, Scurvy, Eczema, Bad Legs, Skin and Biood Diseases, Pimples and Rores all kinds, ite effects are mar- velious. It is the only real specific for Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes the cause from the blood and bones Thousands of wonderful cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2s. 9d. and 11s. each, of Chemists everywhere. BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS.

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PUNCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— SerremBer 5, 1896. N: T4320 Li Ey 114 To 120, REGENT ST., & 22, CORNHILL, LONDON. 10, MOSLEY STREET, MANCHESTER. Shooting and Golf Capes y weather, £2 2s. bi, on climates always in stock. Suitings from £3 3s. for sporting and | travelling wear. Ove: coatings and Trouserings in the best makes. The largest selection in London. OUTFITTER. LADIES’ TAILOR TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. 39, NEW STREET, BIRMINGHAM. 50, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL NOVELTIES FOR AUTUMN WEAR. GENTLEMEN. LADIES. for rainy}; Autumn Gowns from £5 5s., in original OVERCOATS for all seasons | designs and materials quite uno btainable else- where. Riding Habits for the Park and Hunting. | Special makes for Colonial wear. Nicoll’ s Cycling Skirt, hams 12s. 6d., the neat st and 1 st simple in use GOL ¥ hotesale We PICTURES. 1S, NEW RONTD STREET, LONDON, W BERLIN PHOTOGRAPHIC CO. DEN HAIR . t rine: pal Patent /Uustrated 1 / Catalogue 1) "FOR COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, dc., DRINK | VICHY CELESTINS sis Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. INGRAM & ROYLE, 52, FARRINGDON STREET, LONDON, E.C. och Rig Sole Importers: | a EN and « Sodieine y are shes uses, yt ty COLT'S NEW Fr DOUBLE- ot oe 6 GlacshoussStreet, t Plecaatily MACNIVEN & CAMERON'S PENS “They come as & boon and s blessing to men, | The Pickwick, the Owl, aad the Waverley Pes.” THE FLYING J PEN. BRACES. The only Brace for Hot Weather. None Genuine unless bearing = } 4 Note | Mark: “ AGARIO.” pL Hosiers and 5 wher free on receipt of Posts “Order E'S AIREDLING ACTION 32 CAL. at “P bent :8, Philip Lane, London, b —Hi d ndin: ROBAR POCKET REVOLVER ngring Sn Braces rt Sein the uae nat mith ejecto me, is the la 64. and is sper 3 Box at all Stationers | with above address ‘whol resale ens ld Dat MARGE! On & CO., 15, 16, Cheapaid a ndon, Ee nd all Hosie ery and | Soapiey Ho sa Ww. SHEA . “Wor “ EDINBURGH. a A strong with strong scents, but delicate skins require delicate soaps with delicate Perfumes. wither the face with the first soap in the shops? “VINOLIA” SOAP agrees with the most delicate, sensitive, irritable skins, and is exquisitely perfumed with the choicest of scents. highest scientific award. offered skin will stand strong soap Why harden, wrinkle, and PREMIER It has received the Price 4d. a tablet. ted from ** Punch. Illustra he Political Life of the Rt. ‘ ~ ; 4 “ PiirRmiiewenrn 044) Ghee) | 6a 6 Pee Gh a 4 te

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a 3) THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATBSR. Pp N A Under the absolute control of the Royal Hungarian Chemica! Institute / \ , (Ministry of Agriculture), Buda Pest. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices 6d., 1s., and 18. 3d. per bottle SOLE IMPORTERS: THE weet wan dea ene LIMITED, Lonvpown, we anh ) case be returned, eption in no exc wi Lto 4are now ready. will be n Nos. es of any descriptiorz is rule there ** Panch.** s. or Pictur a I Illustrated from Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper ¥ N° .VOLUME PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. PD f°) — ihe: ‘ OT 2 et SEPTEMBER 12, — : a Puree vata ly sauna on YT Aas me a go S) pr he Political Life of the Rt. Rejected Communications or C ontr butions co Ra PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. i cil Wes i] "f ea” NOTICE CADBURY'S COCOA “ Represents the Standard of highest purity at present attainable in Cocoa.’ ’—THE Lancet. —_ —_

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szprewner 12, 1896. THE STANDARD TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. 6 ee ae SCRUBB’S aousenoa AMMONIA oi ; ELLOUS PREPARATION Accumulated Fund, 8 Miilions Stg. as Turkish Bath. Splendid Preparation for the Hair. 5, pn London Z Endslei, N EW J Removes Stains and Spots from Clothing, Etc. masini on y Restores the Colour to Carpets. A ? ls. notte teedisteen tan te eee, Chemists, Etc. 4 » WITHOUT PROFITS. R () S B A H BDINBUREN,S,Gceres St.(Head Office). | LONDON, 83, King William Street, 5.0. STALE TOBACCO. pusiam, ee, Upper ssctviie sot. |THE BEST TABLE WATER IN THE WORLD. Condy’s Fluid Branches & Agencies in India & the Colontes,. it a = “HEAVIEST POSSTRLE PLATING.” '§ 0 L | D & | L y f B instantly ipemneven One button does it. all Taste and Odour PLATE. from Mouth and Breath, and prevents sore lips and tongue POCKET | | fericvenes \ | cnt nnn {4 P= COMBS si KODAK. | | PRINCE’s PLATE. } | cOLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, |§ 2 zzz mi ae a emonser srramane ff |Showfooms: |12, RECENT ST.,W. QUALITY.” (Apsorntwe Srearoscerte Courant.) SAMUEL BROTHERS, “UNPQUALLED FUR HARD WEAR.” 65 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, E.C.

A complete camera on a smal! scale. Weighs only 5} ounces. Size of Picture, 1} x 2 inches. Carries a spool of light-tight film for 12 exposures. Loaded and unloaded in daylight. Fitted with new automatic shutter; brilliant view finder. PRICE, Loaded with 12 Exposures of Film, bs oem : i Cagpictionirgy* , £1 Is. i nal f 4 EAS Tze (BRILL’S b> BORWICK’S 888-117 Oxford St., London, W. N = oe 4 Place Vendome. Sea Baths a EA at Home. an 1 Ta you ition te the in the Bron (Jacket and Vest) for boy of 8 years, 19/-. i TAKE A HINT ! 3 * morning with » pain| Bracing and a L T. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE ana| Wont. across the eyes, a sense of dulness in the i tcati a py t- PF, S41 Refreshing. PATTERNS free on appl WARNED! Geta bottle of — LAMPLOUGHS Beet Foi on INFANTS ooo ay SA L| NE Prepared by Picard Fréres, Parfumeurs. Ss | CHOCOLAT |A Tuivet powoer repeat in a wo - ont COMPLEXION, IT WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF. | ) For the Nursery, : Mi E N | E R . PURE Agate Buerins, FOR BREAKFAST. ee eee Wholessie, R. HOVENDEN & SONS, Berners Street, W., and City Road, B.C., London

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121 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. im i | ’ 1 yi MW x | | || i 2 SUCCESS HAS A SOFTENING EFFECT. Bavius (who has at last achieved quite a decent literary position). ‘‘ Do YOU KNOW, I USED TO ASSERT THAT THE MERE FACT OF A Book's REACHING A SALE OF 50,000 CoPlES WAS ENOUGH, OF ITSELF, TO STAMP IT AS BEING AN UTTERLY VILE AND WORTHLESS PRODUCTION. SomEHOw I NO LONGER FEEL QUITE 80 CONVINCED UPON THAT POINT!” Mevius (who has at last prodwed a dramatic work which has already run a fortnight, and is even running still), ‘‘ PERHAPS YOU 'RE RIGHT. ANYHOW, 1 MYSELF AM NO LONGER OF OPINION THAT A MAN Is NECESSARILY A GENIUS JUST BECAUSE HE HAS WRITTEN A PLAY THAT WAS HISSED OFF THE STAGE THE First Nicut!” b ii AN uh ROUNDABOUT READINGS. Srray Notes on Women. I wonper that no philosopher has yet written a monograph on the meals of women. It is an important and a fascinating subject— important in its relation to food, fascinating in its relation to the female appetite. To any investigator who shall feel tempted to undertake it, I beg to offer the following notes as a sort of mémoires pour servir, the rough blocks, as it were, which he may afterwards hew into shape for the purpose of his edifice. I take it that ever since Eve eat the unpermitted apple between times, women have in every age displayed a liking for odd meals at odd hours. If by dint of scheming and good luck, a modern housewife has been able to get rid of the males of the household, her first impulse is to heave a sigh of relief at the blessed thought that re need be no dinners. She will take unto herself a female friend, and somewhere between six and seven o’clock in the evening, a tray will be brought in to them and will be placed, not on a solid dining-room table, but (and this is essential) on a rickety little side-table. The tray groans under a varied assortment of mixed eatables. There are sand- wiches, butter, a cake, a dinner, two meringues and a a dish of strawberry-jam, three » some chocolate creams, muffins, dry toast, and a saucer of mixed pickles. So much for the solid part. The liquid is composed of tea, cold water and cream, the last being generally taken separate. It would seem, in the nature of things, impossible that one fragile tray should bear all this load; but it does. Indeed, half the pleasure of the meal is that it should come in all at once on a single tray, and that its disjected members should later on be gathered together from the four quarters of the room, replaced on the tray, and whisked away into oblivion at one fell swoop. Anp oh, with what a sense of comfortable abandon do the two feasters revel in this innocent orgie. There is no hateful formality, no impassive butler stands behind to chill the fervour of conversation, there are no di pauses, no taunts from rude men as to the quality of the food or the capacity of the cook. Everything is spread out in full view; you can have a spoonful here, a handful there; you can start with a chocolate cream, follow on with a poached ogg a slice of cake, and wind up with a meringue and a m . Glorious meal, and wondrous feminine digestion, to which nothing comes amiss! Men, in com- rison, are the merest slaves of a cut and dried routine—apt to = thrown out of gear by the slightest departure from their wretched dietetic ordinances. Give me rather the free and un- trammelled meals of a woman when she has been left to herself. tary aspic from yesterday's » Some ginger-bread biscuits, THE average woman, too, is a confirmed supper-eater. Supper is an irregular meal, and women are, therefore, devoted to suppers. ithout the substantial support of women all the great supper-providing establishments of the metropolis would have been in the ptcy Court long ago. At balls, after theatres and concerts, at home, or in restaurants—wherever the supper is there will the women be gathered together. Lobster, dressed crab, mayonnaise of salmon or chicken, soup in cups, cold cutlets, ortolans, all di as if by magic if only you call the meal supper and provide a reasonable number of lady-guests. If you called it dinner, and fixed it for a decently- digestive hour, the noblest efforts of the chef would be sent away untasted, or at most, picked at and dallied with. AnD so we come to picnics and afternoon tea. Now, with regard to afternoon tea, the discussion is a delicate one, for I understand that the great increase in the import of tea during recent years is due to the fact that man, proud man, who formerly used to drink a brandy and soda when he came home from work or play, now puts away his two cups of tea regularly. I am told, that if you offer a man spirits on his return from shoot- ing, he will scout the suggestion and declare that tea is his drink. This may be so, and for me pram therefore, I pass by afternoon tea. But in the matter of picnics our withers are un- wrung. Is there a man worthy of the name who dares to affirm that he likes a picnic? Who is it that proposes a picnic? Is it a man? Never. Picnics are merely another method of escape from regularity and comfort in meals, and it is to women that they owe such vogue as they have ever ob- tained. Who but a woman could ever have had a suffi- ciently vivid imagination to believe that there was pleasure in dumping your food down amidst stones and was and patches of grass, devouring it in ridiculous positions, and leaving a litter of paper to destroy the landscape? But it is a curious fact that there is about most organised picnics a ceremonious formality, which is rarely observable at meals served in the humdrum fashion on a table set on a floor under a ceiling and within four walls. Hands and Hearts. “ Hanns off, in South Africa!”—so says our Jon, Is our watchword in Afric, owr Doctrine Monnor. The Dutchman, remembering some things that are gone, Might hint that our watchword was lately “ Hands on! May be, the best watchword at last will be found, - That of Tennyson’s patriot song, “ Hands all Round! In which he expressed better patriot pride Than did his successor in “ Jampson’s Ride.” In an Hotel at Southsea. First Stranger (referring to third). Your friend says that he liquid gum. ° Second Stran +r. Natarally. Haven’t you observed the way in which he sticks to his liquor ? VOL, OXI.

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[Sepremper 12, 1896. ODE TO THE BLACK PRINCE, Kumar Sue: Ransir Sivas, Coampion Cricketer, 1896. (A Western Dithyrambic in an Eastern Style.) Prince Ransit he marched to the westward, from the borders of Bombay he came, To the banks of the Cam, and he collared the crown of the glorious game, The game which the Graces and Sropparts, the flannel-clad ones of the West, — of all masculine pastimes the proudest and noblest and est. In the cohort of century-pilers, the sphere-smiting GrupeRt was ing, But Raysrr the Run-Getter entered the lists; of his triumphs 1 sing. a | EEA ~ pale Se Za i, Tae Brack Prince (or CRICKETERS). Though the poets from Pentaour to Perrarcu, from Homer to Austin would fail | To picture in adequate tints this swart boss of the bat-ball-and- bail ! His sire was a Jam in the East, and so is his son—real Jam! In the Raj-Kumar school in the East, or in Trinity College, by Cam, a cocoa-nut matting at home, or green turf at the Oval or sord’s, “Ranst” shaped like a cricketer sound, and there’s scarcely a sight which affords More pleasure to judges of “form” than the sight of the slim, swarthy Prince, In batting as neat as a trivet, in fielding as sharp as a quince, Giving beans to the best British bowling, or stopping or sprinting like steam, Or making that lovely late cut, a serene thing of beauty, a dream PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Of delight, an ideal of art, with the charm of a perfect technique, Which a fellow who knows what is what at the wickets, could watch for a week! | The public soon knew “Mr. Surrn,” and they yelled every time | © appeared, And they gave him the nick-names crowds give to the cracks to their bosoms endeared,— | “Ramsgate Jimmy,” or “Rum-Gin-and-Whiskey”—more pat than polite, to a Prince, But the cricketing crowd by familiar facetiousness loves to evince Its —- but sincere hero-worship, as he the great Doctor doth now, Whom they love to acclaim as “the Old’un,” and chaff when he bends for a “ blow” After running a fiver—near fifty! soon Began piling “centuries” quickly to a most remarkable tune, And having a cut at all records. Some toppers that way he’s rubbed out. He’s a-top of the Averages now, and he means getting higher, no doubt— If that’s not a bull—Sussex’ hope, and the pride of the Cam he But Ransit the Run-Getter a And when the Light Blues give that banquet, your lovers of big British cheers Will have every tympanum tickled by shouts for the “ Black Bat,”—not night, | As Tennyson put it in Maud, and Sms Reeves to a nation’s delight, Hath flutily piped it so often. hath not flown, And all Britons hope well he won’t do, for we love to think “Ransi” our own. An = to him, then, unto whom we, this season, have owed such a lot! And when British bats fight for those “ashes,” and there are some signs of a “ rot,” When we want someone brilliant and steady, hawk-eyed, lion- hearted, and cool, A blend of MacLaren and Grace, with the “stick” of the Surewssury school, The sparkle of Sroppart or Wrnyarp, the patience of Surrey’s brave Bos, May Ranarr the Elack Prince of cricket, oe with us, and “ well on the job”! ! ! And faith! the “Black Bat” THE TRAVELLING ’ARRY. From a Cynical Point of View.) He leaves, on setting foot on the Continent, his normal tolera- tion of the foreigner, and regards everyone and everything with undisguised contempt. He declares that St. Peter’s is inferior to St. Paul’s, the British Museum superior to the Louvre, and Notre Dame not a patch on Westminster Abbey. He appears to be recalling Waterloo every time he comes across a French soldier. He never touches his hat. to anyone, and drops “ Monsieur’ and “ Madame ” in spite of the custom of the country. He appears on the boulevards in a pot hat, and ignores evening dress in places where grande tenue is de rigueur. He laughs contemptuously at all he fails to understand, and never takes the trouble to comprehend anything. He assumes that no one but an Englishman can drive, row, shoot, or engage in athletics. If he travels in France he becomes aristocratic, and socialistic if he wanders in Germany. He sees nothing in Venice, Florence, Dresden, or Berlin. He yawns in the Vatican, and goes to sleep in the Paris Opera | House. He walks about everywhere as if the whole place belonged to him, and resents as an intrusion the presence of the original inhabitants. He speaks his own tongue and no other, and expects everyone to understand him. He bullies the brigands. He never enters a shop without assuming that the persons behind the counter are banded to rob him. He expects everyone to bow before him, and to make way for him. He is bumptious and obstinate and stupid and inconsiderate, and then, after disporting himself as an overbearing bounder everywhere in foreign parts, he learns with surprise, on his return to his native land, that the Briton is the reverse of | popular abroad. ’ waiters, and regards the hotel-keepers as Morro ror Britisn Cricketers.—Strike only at the ball!

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SerremBer 12, 1896.} ) ' \;/ it Qe THE DEPTH PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OF IGNORANCE. Dissatisfied Competitor (leaving the Ring at a Horse Show), ‘‘ WHAT! CALL YOURSELVES JUDGES OF HossEs ! dl ores 4! — ete cas UA s0s ‘ ‘ oe) tal aya i ni GNA wo GY Me Wparicn if mh Wuy, YER AIN'r FIT TO JUDGE BLOOMIN’ BROKEN-DOWN BIcYcLEes!” EN ECOSSE. A Monsieur Punch. Dear Mister,—I have sptee you of my departure from Calendar on the breack. , well, he rained not of the whole of the whole—du tout du tout! Il faisait un temps superbe —he was making a superb time, the route was well agree- able, and the voyage ted but two hours, and not twelve. What droll of idea! In scottish twa is two, not twelve. I was so content to arrive so quick and without to be wetted that I gave the coacher a good to-drink—un bon pourboire—though before to start all the voyagers had paid him a “tipp,” that which he called a “driver’s fee.” Again what droll of idea! To give the to-drink before to start, and each one the same—six pennys. My friend encountered me and conducted me to his house, where I have passed fifteen days, a sojourn of the most agreables. And all the time almost not one sole drop of rain! J’avais beau—I had fine—to buy all my impermeable vestments, I carry them never. One sole umbrella suffices me, and I open him but two times. And yet one says that the Scotland is a rainy coartry. It is perhaps a season tout 4 fait—all to fact—exce tional. But m days almost without rain! One would believe himself at the border of the Mediterranean, absolutely at the South. And I have eaten of the “porridg,” me Avoeuste! Partout I essay the dish of the country. I take at first a spoonful pure and simple. Qh la, la! My friend offers me of the cream. It is well. Also of the salt. lle idée! But no, before me I perceive a dish of confiture, that which the scottish call “mar- maladde.” A la bonne heure! With some marmaladde, some cream, and much of sugar, I find that the “ porridg” is enough well, for I taste him no more. One day we make an ascension, and we see many grouses. Only we can not te shoot, for it is not yet the season of the huntings. It is but a hill that we mount. The name appears me to be french, but bad written. “Ben Venue,” that is to say, “ Bienvenu ”—soyez le bienvenu. She is one of the first of the scottish hills, and she says “welcome” in french. It is a | discontented professio pretty idea, and a politeness very amiable towards my country. { salute the hospitable Scotland and I thank her. It is a great sountry, of brave men, of charming women—ah, I recall to my- self some eyes so beautiful, some forms so attracting |—of ravishing landscapes, and, at that epoch there, of a climate so delicious. She has one sole and one great defect. The best scottish hotels cost very dear, and, my faith, the two or three that I visited are not great thing like comfortable—ne sont pas jrand’chose comme comf ! One day we make a little excursion on the Lake of Lomond. The lake is well beautiful, and the steamboat is excellent. But in one certain hotel, in descending from a breack, and before to embark, we take the “lunch.” e bargain not, we ask not even the price, we eat at the table d’héte like all the world in Swiss, in France, even in Germany, when there is but one half hour before the departure of the train or of the boat. Oh la, la! [ have eaten in the spanish hotels, on the steamboats of the italian lakes, even in the restaurants—mon Dieu !—of the english railways, but never, never—ayu grand pomere—sare I eaten a déjeiner like that! One dish I shall forget never; some ex- terior green leaves of lettuce, without oil or vinegar, which they called a “salad.” Parbleu—by blue! In all the history of the world there has been but one man who would have could to eat her with pleasure—Nasucnoponosorn! Agree, &c., AUGUSTE. ‘« Gentlemen v. Players.” Tus title, given to a popular enough cricket match, may sound a little “invidious” to the democratic spirit of to-day, more so, perhaps, than in the times of “Mr.” Mywn and Fuiier Pica. “ Amateurs v. Professionals” would perhaps do equally well, in certain quarters. Mr. C. B. athlete, says that “The so-called and create less = me Fry, that admirable all-roun ‘ hat ' sham smateurism exists entirely in the imagination of the few nals, and in the mischief-making columns of certain negligeable journals.” Mr. Punch trusts this is so, and Mr. Fry ought to know. Mr. Punch is inclined to believe that the “real enemies” of the glorious old game are the “Gentlemen” who are not (fair) players, and the “ Players” who are not (true) gentlemen.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Szpremper 12, 1896. 4 Z I, if £® \ wy Hr \A y\ N\ Y WW Sa Mi iy , W/, (A Common Object on the Seashore.) A WORD WI’ WALLACE. | (By an indignant Brither Scot, after reading a wild screed in disparagement of Robert Louis Stevenson. ) Arn—‘‘ Scots wha hae wi’ Wallace bled.” Scots, wha hear what Watiace said, Scots, wham Stevenson has led, Keepin’ ye from cosy . Wi’ his glorious minstrelsie, Now’s the day and now’s the hour! See the front o’ Wat.ace lour! But yon Ropert has nae pow’r To wipe t’ither Ropsrt’s ee! Wha will play the traitor-knave ? Wha, o’er Roser Lovis’ grave, Ca’s him pharisaic slave ? Fie, fause Watuace! turn and flee! Wha for Scotland’s pride and a’ Scotia’s sword will strongly draw, And on this crank creetic fa’? Caledonian, on wi’ me! By Romance’s golden gains, By sweet poesy’s silver strains, We will drain our dearest veins, Srevenson’s fair fame to free! Lay the unworthy Wat.ace low! Rosert Louis Scotland’s foe? Then Ros Burns and Scorrt were so! Degenerate W aLLacz, mind your ee! Every Man to his Own Trade. Ship-owner (joyfully, while reading news- paper). By Jove! the Belgian authorities have arrested Ben Triietr and (sorrou- fully) let him go again! | DIS-CUSTED CITIZENS. | EvipentLy the National Portrait Gallery is not conducted on | popular principles, judging by the following correspondence : — | Dear Mr. Puncu,—On visiting the National Portrait Gallery this afternoon, I was astonished to find that there were no like- nesses of such celebrities of the turf as Carney, Ropinson, and | other famous jockeys, though, to be sure, I noticed a picture of Lord Dersy. What is the Government about? Let the Sport- ing League take the question up without delay. Yours in- dignantly, Weurneton Mortar. Epsom Chambers, W., September 2, 1896. Sir,—I have just been to the National Portrait Gallery, and am truly shocked to find that most of our bygone patriots are not represented. Where, for instance, is the inventor of the chimney-pot hat? Why do we not look upon the features of the Worcestershire nobleman, who first compounded the im- mortal sauce? To whose professional jealousy may I ascribe the absence of the lineaments of that philanthropist, who first brought out flaming fusees? Is Captain Ware, of mixed ickle fame, not worthy of a place in the National Collection ? yhere is the subtle chemist, who originated soda-water, or that other, who perceived how happily the sparkling beverage blended with brandy and whiskey? Where is the deviser of the elastic brace, and where the pitted being who brought the Welsh rarebit and its brother, the “ buck,” into existence? Where—but there, Sir, my patience is exhausted, and so no doubt is your space. This is an age of ingratitude. Our true benefactors live after all, not by the brush of some wretched dauber, but in the con- tinuity of their famous inventions. I am, Sir, your obedient servant, FREDERICK John Bull Club, September, 5, 1896. Dear Sir,—Surely in the National Portrait Gallery there ought to be found some of those exquisite types of female love- liness which delighted an older generation? I have inherited from my revered proat aunt, Lady SnirrLeton, a very valuable lib of Books of Beauty and Elegant Annuals, profusely illus- trated with the most ravishing representations of fair dames and damsels, whose bright eyes and sweet lips still smile as radiantly as of yore. I have not the diotinguished tenets of knowing Mr. Lionge. Cust, but understanding that you are uainted with everybody, I venture to suggest that you should him to pur- chase the volumes in question? Our being strangers one to | another must alone prevent my calling upon you in person. I | am, dear Sir, yours artistically, Matitpa Mirrxkins. Strawberry Hest, Bath. Hongrep Sir,—Wot'’s all this rot about a Nashional Portrit Galery? I’ve bin to see it. There’s no Jack SHEPHARD, JonaTHan Witp, Cravp Duvat, Dick Turpin, nor any sich anshient ’eroes, to say naught of miner crib crakkers. Give me Madame Twoswarps and the Chamber of ’Orrors! Your obedient Jack Dooxson. clo Potman, Bag of Brads, East. x His Mark. To THose wHo Love Piay.—lIf you are tied to town in Sep- tember, and yet yearn for the distractions of the continent, you cannot do better than visit the Avenue Theatre. There, to the strains of lively music, you may see the Casino overlooking Monaco, and the Isle of Malta, as viewed from the deck of a yacht, not entirely unsuggestive of H.M.S. Pinafore. You will find yourself in the midst of the most agreeable company, inclusive of the Misses Lorrre Venng, Kate Curizr, and (t to the genuine “kindness of R. D’Oyizy Carre, .”) Emme Owen. There will be Mr. Eric Lewis, too, who will introduce you to an unconventional wearer of the Victoria Cross, and Mr. E. W. Garpen, who will suggest an equally original gargon at a restaurant. Then, after enjoying a couple of hours or so of un- alloyed amusement, you will return home to Belgravia the Deserted, Brixton the Lonely, or Brompton the Gradually Awakening to Life, satisfied with the comforting reflection that you have passed a pleasant and consequently profitable evening at Monte Carlo without losing touch of the Thames ke ent. ‘“Cabby knows his Fair.”’ Middle-class Lady (who has just been driven to High Street, Kensington). What! Half-a-crown! Cabby. I beg pardon, mum, but I understood yer to say yer was a-going to call at ’Olland ’Ouse. [Incident dosed without further debate.

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SEPTEMBER 12, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | THE PENDULUM OF WEALTH. (4 Forecast.) Cuarrer III.—*‘ Noblesse oblige !” | So the tableau was formed; the Duke trembling with anger, | the Duchess with fear, and Mr. Us impassively de- fiant, when the door was flung open and PLantacEnet entered, bearing a missive on a ja tray. “Pardon me, your Grace,” he panted, “but it’s a cablegram —no doubt from England.” “ Leave the room, Sir,” thundered the Duke ; and the major- domo, after —— 4% low obeisance, slunk from the apartment. Despite his wrath, the Duke was a gentleman. “Excuse me,” he said to Mr. LisAamnve before opening the envelope. The dealer bowed, and watched the Duke as he read the inclosure. His Grace’s eyes sparkled behind his pince- nez, his form w more erect, and all trace of indignation vanished from his countenance. Without a word he han the | paper to the Duchess. On her, too, the message had evidently a pleasant effect, for a happy expression came over her face, and soft tears, evidently not caused by grief, made little canals amid the cosmetics on cheeks. “Thank Heaven!” she murmured, while Mr. MacLazarus wondered what the scene might mean. He had not long to wait for an explanation. “Mr. MacLazarvus,” said the Duke, in his grandest style, “I shall not sell my pictures, forgeries or otherwise.” “ As your Grace pleases,” acquiesced the financier. “Your time is money,” continued the Duke, “therefore charge me for the same.” Mr. MaoLazarus bowed, inwardly resolving that the noble- man must certainly be distraught. “This despatch,” the Duke went on, “is from my son, the Marquis of HATTAN; you may as well know its contents.” Then in a voice swelling with triumphant emotion, he read :— “To the Duke of Saratoga, Milwaukee House, New York.— | Am engaged Serxinca Brown-Smitu, wealthiest heiress in Great | Britain. Beautiful and charming lady aged twenty-three. ve explained our position. She agrees to settle one million pounds sterling on you for life, and two millions without conditions on myself. Total fortune, twelve millions. + you and mother attend wedding fixed for New Year’s St. Paul’s Cathedral. Presipenr gives away bride. Best Boom intelligence. Manuatran.” “There, Sir, what do you think of that?” added the Duke, with a beaming smile. “‘ Je-hoshaphat!” was all that Mr. MacLazarus could ejacu- late. Then recollecting himself, he said, “I sincerely congratu- late your Graces.” “Many thanks, my dear Sir,” said the Duke, well pleased with the effects which he had made. “You may communicate the information to the Press if you please, but be icular that the sums named are in pounds sterling, not do Let the world know that the Duke of Saratoga can accept as well as bestow.” “That ’s true,” said Mr. MacLazarus to himself, as he thought of the many ducal bills which had passed through his hands. “Ah! your Grace,” he cried, with no feigned enthusiasm ; “this is, indeed, a great day for America!” “Tt is,” said the Duke, simply. “And now, Mr. Mac- Lazarus, I pray you, leave us, for the Duchess and myself must instantly cable our blessing and good wishes to the hope of our house and his bride elect.” As Mr. MacLazarvus leapt into his luxuriously-appointed motor-car, he said, with a quiet chuckle, “So the pendulum is swinging back at last from the other side. I must look out for a British heiress myself. there ’ll be no infringe- — of the Monroe Doctrine in this new invasion of the United States.” ove. A Jingo to Joe. Sroe this Dutch farce! Krucer has scored. You yield to him a deal too much, man! The play I’d place on the Boer board Would be “The Flying Dutchman ”! At Doncaster. Timid Southerner (to pitman, who is trampling on his corns). I beg your pardon, Sir, but you are—er—walking on my boots. Pitman. n, it, mon, why didst put thy foot under mine? I want to see t’ race, understand. Southerner endures silent agony till the Leger is over. ap EE Te os / I} BICYCLES Mi. Bie REPAIRED ano PAINTED | ALL COLOURS OF THE RAINBOW INCLUDING BLACK i iff ~ J 14 Wi jt a ) lava A 7 SSS | je Roe ae a= \\ THE WONDERS OF NATURE. (A Sketch near Dublin.) A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S. (A Romance for a ‘* Ladies Only Compartment”) Scans—Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller. Male Traveller. A thousand ao slg : my train, so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. I don’t intrude. Fem. T.. (after a pause). As you have no one to present you, I must ask “if you are any lady’s husband?” Male 7’. (with a sigh). Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor! Fem. T. (drily). That is nothing out of the common. I have been given to understand that all bachelors are miserable. Male T. No doubt your husband s with the opinion ? Fem. T. (calmly). I have no experience. I am a spinster. Male T. (smiling). Indeed! And you selected a es’ car- riage P Fem. 1’. (quickly). Because there was no room anywhere else. Male T. Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking compartment. Fem. T. Surely there is no need to take so much trouble. Male T. Why! ons you me -t~y ity ? . - ‘em. T'. Not in the least. is, I smoke my weet a ” [Red fire and tobace Male T. (after a pause). I have it on my conscience to e a ae fi said Post — that I was not somebody’s husband. Fem. T. (an d). Then you are . : Male T. (orth ntontion) Well, not yet. But if you like you can receive me as somebody’s betr ; Fem. T. (regardless of grammar). Who ’s somebody ? Male z- peee)-_ of your own name. Fem. T. t ne Male T. Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in exchange. (Train arrives at a station., Guard (without). All change! [And later on they do. I really nearly missed i Trust ~

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Szpremper 12, 1896. Jack. Way Grandpapa, A SEISMATICAL SHAME! By a ‘‘ Human Boy. ’) [It is reported that Juan Fernandez, Robinson Crusoe’s island, has been entirely destroyed by an earthquake. | Poor Island of Robinson Crusoe! How could e’en an earthquake treat you sor Though earthquakes are shocking, And too fond of rocking, ' I’d not have believed one could do so! Your earthquake is cocky and “ sidey,” And apt to leave places—untidy, But one must be callous To scorn all that hallows | The home of dear Rob and Man Friday! DO THE CHURCHES ALW AYS BEGIN AT ELEv EN, GRANDPA! ‘*‘AH—THE ELEVENTH Hovr, my Boy!” Big Ben goes off Strike. (By a Sleepless Dweller in Westminste Bie Ben has stayed his strident voice, His all too constant call ! Big Ben is hushed! I say, rejoice! ig benefit for all! Among the Turnips. Host (to cockney solicitor). Hang it all, Deeps, you oughtn’t to shoot into the brown like that! Deeds. Shoot into the What are you talking about ? partridges, and I’ll bet you brown! drinks I | wounded four! I fired at the) | appreciate the power of “ brass.’ BOUND TO THE WHEEL. (4 modern Torture happily unknown to poor Ixion.) Tue Member of an Ordinary London Club arrived at the pleasant country place to which he had been invited. “Five o’clock tea going on?” he asked, as he divested himself of his travelling wraps. “Well, no, Sir. You see, the young ladies —in fact, all the ladies—are cy- cling, and won’t be back until the hour | for dressing. But I daresay I can get | you a cup if you want one.” Slightly depressed, the Member leisurely | assumed the regulation dress suit for din- | ner, and made his way to the library. | No one was there, but there was plenty of literature. The periodicals dealt, it is true, only with wheeling, but there were many of them. The books were locked up in their dust-covered shelves. How- ever, there were a few volumes lying open. | They were exclusively devoted to biking, | in all its branches. The time passed slowly, then came a rush of tyres, and the house party had | returned to head-quarters. In due course the hosts and visitors as- sembled. The Member received a hearty | greeting. “Ah, my dear fellow,” cried the squire, | cheerily, “you should have come down this morning. Such a splendid run! Went sixty miles without sustaining a puncture!” The Member was at sea, and said so. Then the Squire discoursed upon the ad- vantages and disadvantages of various makers. One was lighter than the other, and the third was easier to keep in orde1 than the fourth, and so on. The Member —in his own circle con- sidered “an amusing rattle ”—found him- self nowhere. He was out of it, com- | pletely out of it. The ladies vanished after dinner, and the men were left to their coffee, liqueurs, and cigarettes. ‘Next Session there may be a question | about the leadership,” began the Member. “Not at all,” replied his host. “We are not likely to see the record broken | yet awhile. But to return to to-day’s run. { do not remember anything to equal it.” | And they talked cycling until it was time to join the ladies. They kept up the subject until the appearance of the tray and glasses. They continued it in the smoking-room, in négligé jackets and slippers. he Member had nought to say. And if he had had there would have been no one to listen to him. They talked cycling, and nothing but cycling, until the early hours of the morning. “ By jove,” yawned the Member, as he put out the candle, “on my word, much as I hate hunting stories, I do really be- lieve the chatter of the shires, half a cen- tury ago, must have been more interesting than nothing but wheeling.” And when the Member made this ob- servation he voiced the opinion of most | people who don’t bike, and consequently | are sane upon the subject of cycling. | Musicat.—Mr. Guapstone declares that | Yorkshire is pre-eminent for its bands. | Mr. Punch cordially agrees with the right | honourable gentleman, for he has never | yet come across a “ Tyke ” who did not , i

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI PUNCH, OR IN = ——-— i ? "2a - £ = > aa Ip y N/a A od et: a* ’ - , Ni) IZ fs bag 1 Dy ~ THE MAN FOR THE JOB! WELL, SIRS, JUST LEAVE HIM TO ME!” AND YOU DON’T CARE TO TACKLE HIM! Urgent complaints were addressed to the British Government, when Mr. Hexpert replied that, Jack Tar (/og.), ‘‘A TERRIBLE TURK IS HE! {On seeing the blue-jackets the Armenians rushed to them for protection, which was readily given again. — Daily Paper.| given the same condition of things, English sailors would do

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SepremBer 12, 1896.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129 SPORTIVE SONGS. An Old Beau turns over an Albwm of Portraits, and soliloquises. | Tue. years, as Horace says, glide by And we change with the lapse of time : ‘The months that made us laugh or cry, The weeks of prose, the days of rhyme. But, looking at this book to-night— ’Twas filled some f years ago— I feel an exquisite deli At meeting those I used to know. In truth there has been such a change In each and ev’ry pretty face, That all of them are very strange, And seem of quite another race. Yet once they were the fairest flowers That ever social garden grew, To deck the fashionable bowers Of those who held themselves The Few. Can this be ~ ALDEGONDE, This sylph with lilies on her brow? Of course she is de par le 3 How fiesh and years oppress her now! And here is l'anny, Countess Who held her sway at man Poor thing! She joined wrecks, And never brought her ship to port. There smiles the Duchess! No one dared Dispute her right to lead the way. A Queen of Women, we declared. She’s like a bag of bones to-day. Ah! Lady Nivon, wondrous fair! For men a goddess to adore. You must be Time’s especial care, For now you’re only thirty-four! A rosebud bevy next, of girls, Each in my being had a part; ’Mid ringlets, plaits, Madonnas, curls, I broke in pieces all my heart. For each a little bit. At last I found I had no heart to give ; Yet, after such a holocaust, How was it that I dared to live? Ah! this was why! That saintly face Made light, where all before was blind! My spirit felt the touch of grace That gave the unknown peace of mind! Sweet countenance! that ever shone With pure and beatific flame. Dearest Good Gad, my memory’s gone, I cannot recollect your name! a court. fleet of A Crosz SHave.—By the casting vote of the Lord Mayor, the Manchester City Council has uecided not to take proceed- ings against Sunday barbers. Mr. Punch congratulates his Lordship and the knights of the razor. There’s nothing like lather! Must se Navtroat.—Mr. Goscuen, when not at the Admiralty, is usually at Seacox Heath, whence he still rules the ocean cum dignitate. DARBY JONES ON THE LEGER. Honovrep S1r,—Once more I take up my pen to refer to a classic carnival, not with that ease, I confess, which dis- tinguishes the Hon. Franx Lawiey, Mr. “Horspurn” Greenwoop, and others of the incognoscenti, but with a certain amount of confidence, inasmuch as I know that — ily St. Frusquin can’t ossibly win. a modest fiver on im, at your expense; but let that rest | “Bor I assure 7 that it is in excel- THE PULL OF THE POSTERS, (An imaginary Sketch of what is not of necessity an impossibility. ) Pm Gets Sk have Day a consideration to shield ers hey eed wn for Sivictioe’ ments.” —Daily Paper.) lent repair,” the ord. “How can you say that,” calmly asked the official, pointing to a fractured pane of glass, “in the face of that broken win- dow?” “Tt can be mended. It can, indeed.” aan" expenses till we settle up travelling k. Let me now to Doncaster and hes give my muse a canter :— If Royalt - this classic event, There ’ll be cheers that you'd hear on the banks of But a bird, who ut a bird, who ne’er upon @ green tree, Whispers Something t’s soak fer 1, 2, or 3. If a Derby with a could well be combined, This Something will leave many others behind. And don’t you forget, if a mare ’s in the race, That the gentlemen may have to quail at her pace. With this simple and straightforward enigma, I leave all noble sportsmen to return to their several castles, mansions, and parks, not forgetting the unpreten- tious cottage orné, laden with tons of Doncaster butter-scotch, or the means wherewithal to purchase the same. 1) regret to say, that although we are well | into the partridge season, no boxes of the | succulent flyer of the moors have yet reached me from my numerous patrons. Possibly this fact accounts for several dinner-parties which I understand you gave recently, but to which entertain- ments you omitted to bid Your faithful servant, Darsy Jones. eed ought, | wt to mention that a basket, addressed to D. J., and labelled “ Game—with care,” did reach this office on or about August 14. In deference to the Sanitary Inspector we opened the hamper, and found that it contained what we took to be sweepings from Leadenhall Market. Perhaps Mr. Jonxzs will kindly forward the sum of 5s, 4d, paid out for carriage ?—Ep.} ALL VERY FINE AND LARGE! (A Straight Tip to Cutting Tobacconists. ) Fine-cut tobaccos are all very fine, But fine-cut profits make trade decline. Honest traders must fall at the charge ° a Of ——_ too small in shops too large. Selling at cost-price, or at a loss, Reduces business to pitch-and-toss ; And he is the Cams among business | brothers Who seeks success in ruining others. Would-be monopolists, this is no joke, a ~ ee to put in your pipes and smo | were pulled down the hoardi “ And see that crack in the wall. That is fatal to its stability.” “T see no crack,” observed the landlord, | mournfully. “Take my y meee oH and the fissure | will be clearly discernible.” And the offli- cial handed the instrument that had been such a valuable auxiliary to the naked eye. After a careful inspection the two men poe pew A we Nog ew his ey inspec pince-nez. Then the landlord made a last appeal. He pointed out that the house was in better condition than many, than most ot its fellows. Consideri at it was at the apex of an angle of streets, it bore the attacks of the wind and storm won- derfully well. _ “That is the worst of it,” said the offi- cial. “You see, your house is so well situated. It can be seen for half a mile either way.” “But why is that an objection? If it ' 5, 7 ng would be up for months—possibly years. | “That has decided the question,” re- sponded the until-now wavering official. “Your tenement must come down.” _The landlord bowed his head, and knew | his house was doomed. He sorrowfully | walked away. _ “ And now, Sir,” said the official, turn- ing to a cloaked figure, “I am in a posi- | tion te, deal with you. “ concealment is no longer necessary. ou can relin- quish your ee | Thus invited, the newcomer discarded | his mask and slouch hat, and went into figures about the value of advertisement stations, especially at street corners. Rhodesia Restored. (By a Well-wisher to the East Africa Co.) Tue E. A. C.’s gold-grubbing craze Mischief, perchance, forbodes ; But if they will but mend their ways, They may repair their Ruopzs. | Mrs. Puossyt writes to inquire why the state that “Home Railways are flat.” She does not know of any A Deer Insect.—The stag-beetle. mountainous line in England, though she has been, of course, up the Ri i. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SepremBer 12, 1896, of the journalist with the aid of a menu card. Q. Is the title of the promoted com- pany of the first importance ? A. Certainly ; for the title is the hook (baited with the names of suitable direc- tors) that is intended to catch the golden fish swimming in the direction of Capel | Court. = THE WORM THAT TURNS—TOO MUCH. Angle: Now Gillie BIDE A SAUNDERS, MASTER HURRY WULLIE, rHEN, WEE THE INVESTOR’S GUARDIAN, Submitted for consideration during the Recess. ) Question. To whom does the originator of a company of limited liability at all times pay the greatest attention ? inswer. To the investor desirous finding suitable employment for money. Q. Must an investor be a millionaire to suit the purposes of the promoter ? A. Not at all, for, in the establishment of a company, fifty one-pound shareholders are just as remunerative as ten five-pound shareholders. Q. But how can the many learn the ad- vantages of the institution the promoter desires to establish ? _A. Through the valuable aid of adver- tisements in the Press. ot his UP WITH THAT Rop!” BIDE WUR-R-MS SAE WILD 70 THE HOOK AS THEY ARE THE Day!” A WEE! Exn-nH! A NEVER KENT THI Q. Do not réclames cost money ? A. They require either cash or credit Q. Is there not a mode of collecting the necessary capital without running any risk of failure ? A. Yes; by getting an already-esta- blished company to endorvrite the shares. Q. When the prospectus is launched, | what further step becomes desirable ? A. It is considered by experts a good | plan to give the new venture a hearty | ‘send-off” by inviting chosen represen- | tatives of the Press to dinner. Q. But how does this banquet affect the | fortunes of the Isle of Sky and Golden | Eldorado Copper Mines of Timbuctoo, | Limited, or some corporation of a kindred | nature ? | _ A. It has the desired effect of suggest- | ing to the chairman of the company that | the promoter can command the services | Q. Describe a “suitable director.” A. A suitable director is a person with a title or a reputation, who does not mind advertising either or both at the head of a prospectus. Q. After becoming a director, what does this suitable person do? A. he be wise, he will hold his tongue, receive his fees, and if he have any shares in the company, be ready at a moment’s notice to unload. Q. What is “ unloading” ? A. The operation of giving up the old love for some later fancy. When it is couleur de rose, and shares are at a pre mium, then is the time to realize. @. When his cash has been paid, what should the promoter do? A. Gracefully retire from his esta- blished venture, and promote something else. Q. What is the customary fate of the ccmpany promoter ? A. A long run for his money, gene- rally followed by an equally long run from his creditors. THE THREE C’S. (By a Common Chap.) [‘* The teaching of cookery is perhaps the most practical form in which elementary schools con- tribute to the material welfare of the community.”’ Daily News. | Au! them “Three R’s” is mighty fine, But if you’re poor, and a bread-winner, You know the virtue—when you dine— Of sitting to a well-cooked dinner! Pianner-playin’ we can shirk, Likeways recitin’ potry passages ; But when a cove comes ’ome from work, There’s comfort in some ’ot fried sas- sages. Then taters, too. Not arf bad tack, If the old hen knows ’ow to bile ’em, But then, yer see, that needs some knack, And ’eaps o’ working women spile ’em. Chere ’s my old woman—bless her heart, She ’s a good sort—but a rank duffer At makin’ of a rhubub tart, And so my teeth—and temper—suffer Now, Neu, my gal, at the Board School ’As larned a bit o’ kitchen gumption ; And though I rank as a old fool, In who it might be thought persumption To give advice to them, my betters, Who says we must be edicated, I say there’s more to larn than letters. Ne.iy, as I’ve aready stated, Can cook a chop or make a stew, Or fake cold scraps to somethink tasty, Give tips to her old mother, too, Who means well, but is awful wasty. We keeps no sarvent—reason why, It won’t run to it in our station ; But when young New. made her fust pie, We felt the good of edication. And if the School Board wants to send Comfort to many a ’umble rookery, It’s bound to play the poor man’s friend By teaching of our gals Cheap Cookery. That makes two C’s, and for the third, Comfort is pooty sure to foller. And though perhaps it sounds absurd, For Home they beat the Three R’s holler!

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SerremBer 12, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Cc | | A , EXCUR: MARCA, TRAM (7 “Zid, | [ye y/ Clerk of Booking-Office. ‘‘ THere 1s wo Finsr Cass sy rHis Train, Sir.” "Arry. ‘“THEN WOT ARE WE GOING TER DO, Bri?” THE DEATH OF THE DANCE. A TurveyproppiAN LAMENT. [‘*T had rather be old and teach deportment than be young and teach people to romp the barn-dance.’’—A Speaker at the recent meeting of the British Assocvation of Teachers of Dancing.) Ou! what has become of deportment in dancing ? The dance of to-day is no dance, but a romp! The once “light fantastic” is now heavy prancing, Befitting a big Flanders horse, or Van Tromp. A Dutchman in knickers full primed with dull liquors, Galumphing around in a heavy-heeled style, Were as dear to the Muse as the clumsy high-kickers, Whose antics might make e’en an elephant smile. Terpsichore’s rulings and T'urveydrop’s schoolings Are wholly ignored in the balls of to-day. Delicate footings would now be dubbed foolings ; All “steps ” disappear—lounging languor’s dull way! To “walk through” a sluggish quadrille like a yokel, Or kick up your heels in a vulgar barn-dance, Seems the choice of automata limp and unvocal, Spasmodic of limb, and despondent of glance. Oh! where are the gallant old beaux plump and bloomy ? And where are the belles, with their prim pointed toes, Who ambled with unction through halls high and roomy, Arch-eyed, pink of cheek, and tip-tilted of nose ? It’s really too shocking, this languorous mocking Of old-fashioned elegance, vigour, and verve / The generous glimpse of an open-worked stocking Our youths seldom thrill with, and scarcely deserve. What great house and Court meant to pooh-pooh deportment, Punctilious step and elaborate bow ; To tolerate dawdlers in dreary assortment, Who pose like pump-handles and dance—anyhow ; Why “ pantaloons” natty and “ pumps” prim and pointed Give way to cylindrical “ bags,” who can tell ? A maundering mollusk, dejected, disjointed, Our “dancing” young fellow, or drawing-room “swell.” What profits plump calf or trim, tightly-hosed ankle If hid by cloth tube or full floor-sweeping skirt ? What profits complaint? Yet such horrors will rankle, And Turveydrop tenderness terribly hurt. Nay, Menpe.ssonn’s “ Roamer,” as rendered by Forey, Might well say “ what profiteth arm, leg, or span,” In square dance mechanic, or waltz melancholy, Unless they be used, as of old, “like a man”? THOUCHTLESS MANACERIAL CONDUCT—NO UNDER-STUDIES. (See ‘‘ Greenroom Rumours for Seplember.”’) “I~ consequence of the annual holiday of Mr. Rurert Snacos, the Jocularity Theatre will be closed for the next six weeks.” | “Madame Karinska Korpova being under contract to supply herself with a three months’ rest, the successful run cf the charming opera Tweedledee and Tweedledum has been un- avoidably interrupted. It will, however, probably be replaced on the boards in April next.” “Mr. Gusuincton Jones, the eminent comedian, has been the victim of a sad misunderstanding. It appears that this rising | young histrion, during his recent visit to the United States | (when his nightly income exceeded that of the Prime Minister), purchased an exceedingly fine grey mare of the true blue-grase | blood. Unfortunately, some hitch has arisen in connection with | the delivery of the animal in this country, and Mr. “Gusn” | (as he is affectionately termed by his colleagues) has been summoned across the Atlantic Ocean by cable. This naturally terminates the career (for the present) of the phenomenal musical comedy, The Black Cockatoo.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Serremper 12, 1896. DOING TIME.” ( Fancy Sporting Sketch— Old Style.) LIFE IN A MOTOR-VILLA. (Being Pages from a very Modern Log-book.) Capital idea that about motor-houses I heard the other day. Must invest in one at once. Marta is charmed with the notion. Says she’s too stout for cycling, and never gets change of air. . . . Just been to the agent’s—most obliging man showed us round his works, and gave us several trial runs. He has got quite a little village on wheels, from a family mansion, weighing 3,000 tons, with lodge and front drive com- plete, down to a delightful little six-roomed touring cottage, with creepers, verandah, mudguard, cow-catcher, and automatic brake—just the thing for a newly-married couple. However, we eventually decided on a_ stylish-looking, but solidly-built petroleum-fed villa, about 400 tons in weight, with pneumatic tyres and a small front garden for the children, guaranteed to go ten miles an hour against head winds, and insured against colli- sions and explosions. Took it on a three years’ lease, and en- gaged an engineer on the spot, but mean to drive it myself as much as possible. Had it sent round to Oxford Street to-night. We shall have to embark early to-morrow morning as the whole street is on the move, and the rush of houses out of town is something tremendous just now. Have already christened it “Roly ”—short for Petroleum Villa. Tuesday, 4 a.m.—Roly was rather restive during the night, and wanted to start off on its own accord before daybreak, having had a double allowance of oil. I am sorry to say it tore up the lamp-post to which it was tethered, but was chased by a policeman end brought back safely. No other damage done, except a shop window stove in and a bit of our front garden chipped off. . . . We got away a little later than originally in- tended, owing to the cook having struck, saying she wasn’t a-going to ride in a gipsy caravan. We finally arranged to double her wages. The nurse nearly fell overboard with the baby, but Marra managed to stop her in time. Also Tommy was lost at the last moment, but we found him at last, eating tarts in the engine-room. next to the kitchen. He was in a dreadful state, all over oil. Little Mavpre was rather fractious at her strange surroundings, and her cries attracted the attention of the police, who requested us to move on. This we did about six o’clock, after taking in the milk. I myself drove, Marta keeping a lookout from a bedroom window. I managed very well, with hints from the engineer, though I ran into the Marble Arch shortly after starting, which delayed us a bit. However, our abode held very well together, and we only dropped a chimney-pot and a window-sash. We had an exciting race with another villa going west, and were nearly being beaten, when Monday. | but he would not listen to reason. the latter, in trying to pass us on the wrong side of the road, fouled the Park railings and exploded. We then forged ahead, | and turned south towards the river, oiling up at Putney Bridge. I began to find the amount of petroleum consumed rather heavy, having used up a large cisternful in the morning. Still, | I found the motion pleasant, but the housemaid was rather sea- | sick, and gave notice. Guapys fell out of the nursery window, on to a passing cart, fortunately, so we recovered her without | much trouble. We nearly stuck fast on the bridge, but managed | eventually to squeeze through, though we upset the front gate and ‘part of the garden walk into the river. Nothing further | happened till we got to Barnes, where we anchored for the day. Our nerves were somewhat shaken, and we were rather glad of a stoppage. There were also some repairs to be done, and the engineer had to be discharged, as he said the machine required whisky. He rolled off the back yard, so I declined to take him |aboard again. Shall run the show myself. Wednesduy.—Roly refused to budge this morning, and, un- luckily, a local grocer threatened to sue us for obstructing his “ancient lights.” We had stopped in front of his shop, I found. I pointed out that it was an excellent advertisement for him, We were in danger of getting mobbed, when somehow the apparatus started off automatically, and ran away with us in the direction of Wimbledon Common. Here we got off the tracks entirely, and, after a series of mis- haps, landed in a gravel-pit. Maria made some rather unkind remarks about my bad steering. I admitted I was only a beginner, but I pointed out that we were in a most ‘ortunate position (though undoubtedly somewhat badly bunkered), as gravel was now, so to speak, laid on, and we could execute some needful repairs on our front walk. The roof was slightly damaged by the fall, and showed signs of caving in, and the dining-room floor gave way, but otherwise Roly was as fit as ever. We decided to picnic for dinner among the furze-bushes, and bivouacked for the night outside, just as a on. No further incident occurred, and the villa was quite quiet throuzh- out the night. Thursday.—-I spent the best part of the day trying to get our abode out of the gravel-pit. We effected it at last, with the aid of six steam-cranes, only to find that both our hind wheels were punctured. This caused further delay, and we had almost to turn Roly upside down. Marta was considerably upset, ard Guapys rolled down the stairs and landed in the gorse. We got under way at last, but did not go far, as we oor at Rayne’s Park to pay a call. Our friend was delighted at seeing we had brought the whole establishment round. She said the mountain was going to Mahomet, after all. Whether the viila was trying to show off or not I don’t know, but we finished the evening by demolishing Mrs. E.’s front hedge, and generally damaging the landscape. Friday.—An off-day—that is to say, we were off, and lost our way completely. A fog came on—most unusual in August— and we ran over an old woman, though only going half-speed | and blowing foghorns all the time. After that we hove to. Saturday.—Our at-home day, but no callers, as our friends had apparently been unable to catch us up. The postman also had failed to discover our whereabouts. After waiting till past tea- | time we made a move for Sutton, and soon set off at a brisk pace. We passed a good many other motor-villas, detached and | semi-detached (or tandem), going along the Brighton road for the week-end. Marta thought she would like to drive for a | change, while I steered from the front gate. I successfully | eluded two tax-collectors and a gas-man, and knocked one Cr | two writters down. We met the De Snooxses in their auto- | bungalow going from Morden to Mitcham, but they were pur- | suing such an erratic course that we had to back into a hedge to | let them pass. Several large boarding-houses and a family hetel | overtook us, cutting up the roadway frightfully. They ought not to be allowed to go more than ten miles an hour. Near Benhilton, Roly jibbed rather at a dog-cart, horses being such | a strange survival in these days. At last Marta put on a} spurt, and automoted in fine style up Sutton High Street. Unluckily, on nearing the top, the gradient proved too strong for our tonnage, and our wheels began to go round the wrong way. We rapidly descended the hill, back yard first. We charged the church, tore up the pavement, cannoned into a public-house, leaving our night-nursery behind. Marta then quite lost her head, while the steering apparatus got beyond my control. With a superhuman effort, however, I managed to direct Roly at the gasworks, which blew up on the impact. severely shaking the baby. We then came to a standstill, and were taken in charge by the local policeman for furious moting. On the whole, we have had quite an exciting little expedition, and shall not be averse to a Sunday rest.

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eS). lca lu = | !- 4—~o Rp O90 @ emu Vv Sr PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ssrremagr 12, 1896. VITAL p, te Th Fines Te Grand, , lst Avenue, Holbora. Royal Holborn Restaurant. W., and Frascati’s. Gatti’s. Hote! And of all first class caterers in the United Kingdom “* Superior Vintage Wines of Italy.” LONDON, E.C. FOR THE SHOOTINGS. BURROW’S REAL “ALPHA BRAND” MALVERN WATERS. “NATURAL MALVERN.” “SPARKLING MALVERN.” MALVERN SELTZER. MALVERN SODA, &c. CARRIAGE PAID TO SCOTLAND. Best of all Table Waters. W. & J, BURROW, The Springs, Malvern. @@~ Becareful to order the “ALPHA BRAND.” PACKHAM’S TABLE WATERS ARE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER. Manufactory, Croydon. CUTICURA for the Luxuriant hair, with a clean, whole- tome scalp, free from irritating and scaly eruptions, is produced CUTI- CURA SOAP, the most effective skin partys and beautifying soap in the world, as well as purest and sweetest for toilet and nursery. Sold throughout the world. Price 1s. F. Nrw- beer & Soxs, 1 King Edward St., London, E.C, “All about the Skin, Scalp and Hair,” post-free, A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE, TA M A R CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, wie, Keane Intestinal Troubles, Headache. GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, 8.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. 6d. A BOX, HIERATICA Nore Paper, 5 Quires, 1s, Court Enyelopes, 1s. per 100. Phin, for Foreign Correspondence: Of all Stationers, or send stamps to Hieratica Works, 68, Upper Thames Street, 5 Quires, 1s. Mourning Note, 5 Quires, Is. 6¢. Mourning Envelopes, 1s. Sd. per 100. vondon A REAL SEA BATH in your Own room. TIDMAN'S SEA SALT, PATRONISED psy tus ROVAL FAMILY. Ee rae ee | } . a} , &c. i | FINEST STRENGTHENER and TONIC SUCHARD’S COCOA. for All, Young and Ojd, MAY be USED ast any AGREEABLE TEMPERATURE. } To avoid Worthless and Injurious Substi- | | | Nature's Choicest. tutes ask for TIDMAN’S SEA SALT. | TIDMAN’S PURE TOILET In TABLETS ONLY, GUARANTEED ALL | ——— PURE SOAP. ; Mog be Betely Used by the Mot Delicate and ve. Also in SHAVING, for the an and in all ERUPTIONS of the KIN. To avoid Inferior Imitations ask for TIDMAN’S TOILET SOAP. DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. For ACIDITY of rus STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. Sold throughout the World. “Beautifully Cool and Sweet Smoking.” Saat - ; a Pid “tuwsssawnnnee Sald only in l-ounce Packets and 2, 4, and 8-onnce, and 1-lb, Fins, which keep the Tobacco in Fine Smoking Condition. Ask at all Tobacco Sellers, Stores, &c.. and take no other. The genuine bears the Trade Mark, “ NOTTINGHAM CASTLE,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER’S NAVY CUT CIGARETTES, In Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 60, and 100. a oe **Bhoy come as a boon and a blessing to mon, The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Poa.” THE FLYING J PEN. ad ag Oh i — Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. THE ‘‘PASTEUR”’ (Cranberiant) PULLTER. The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.”’—Baitisg Mepicar Jounwa: ‘A real preventative of water- borne disease.!’—Larcer. To be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers, or from the Makers v7, DEFRIES & SONS, @ 167, Houmspizen, Loxvor, EC. @ 2 > 7 Rio Ventiat®™ BRACES. lane, London, F ( .—Muyere d@manding Acarics, and iiraces not bearing the trade mak | re B ; , s : ' : P , 4, an 4 peapaide, ‘i Wo yt ot Hosters and brapery Houses a week, acts an the food in sHomach, pre venting ite conversion bute Wat mold byallChemiate Bend stamp for pam phiet. BOTANIC MEDICINE Ci'., 8, NEWOXFORDSr.,W.0 Brandy. | MACNIVEN & CAMERON'S PENS | | | The only Brace for Hot Weather. ; ae bearin, rad ae (fall Heslers and = = | free on receipt of Postal Order he Pept , 6, Phils 410

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le, We. = > NZ Mt \ WON’T WASH CLOTHES. MONKEY BRAND SOAP. WON’T WASH CLOTHES. FOR CLEANING, SCOURING, AND SCRUBBING | > FLOORS AND KITCHEN TABLES, FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR-RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, MANTELS, &c. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &. Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. 30, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Mesers. Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., Limite’, Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—Sareanar, September 12, \806.

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-~ ~~~ CHOCOLAT PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. SN er ied ‘ - hei SEPTEMBER 19, 3 ‘* 2. ao) 8% & A Qe fal nS A% he by ou a o . 54 ok. Bs a* Sn C¢ Ge 34 Da an oa 5° Gi” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or not even when ac " lca t

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Seprremser 19, 1896. ~ Sew Book by Anthony Hope. | Crown 8vo, price 6s. THE i = | Axtaost Hors. With 9 Diustra . iLttameor — The velame consists of a series of short stories dceling with the many adventures of the Princess Gera, of the House of Elphberg. The scene of the stories is Streisau, familiar to the readers of “ The Prisoner of Lenda London: LONGMANS, GREEN, & CO. Manufactured in THREE vices at 10/6, 16/6 « 25/- EACH. How MR. HALL CAINE WROTE the “ MANXMAN.” “ Yes, if the fact is of any conse- uenee, you are very welcome to sa that I wrote the ‘'MANXMAN’ with the SWAN FOUNTAIN PEN. It has become quite indispensable to me. I can use it with ease and cer- tainty anywhere, and at any time, even in the dark, in bed, and on horseback.’ A Pen as nearly perfect as inventive skill can produce, We only require your steel pen and hand writing to select a suitable pen. Complete Illustrated Catalogue sent post Sree on application. JOSE Of Highest an fe Re Greatest Durability, are erefore CHEAPEST. Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: PH GILLOTT’S PENS 1889. PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, Show Rooms: 112, REGENT ST., W. (Avsounime BSreascecorse Comrant.) Note : Ventiat®™ BRACES. The " of all Hosiers and only Brace for Hot Weather. None Genuine the Trade | Price bs. 6d., 0s tores every - it free on receipt of Postal 0 to“ P.” Dept.,6, Philip Lane, London, B.C ARD.—uyers Kegistered Trade Mark “ ’ S. MORDAN & CO.” | DOUBLE- ACTION 32 CAL. POCKET REVOLVER with ejector and solid frame, is the latest and best ket revolver made lt supersedes all others T's FIREARMS CO., Street, Piccadilly Circus, London, W. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. | The lovely nuance “Chitain Foncte” peer to Hair of any colour b | Sold only by W. WINTER, 472, Oxford St., London. rice list free. COL’ 6d., tis. Por tinting grey or faded | Hair RINE is invaluabie | ‘TAKE A HINT 1 if you awake in the | on ss. MIDNIGHT SUN, 3,18: ton ny Mr. Lune and Mr. Perowne September A Southern Spain, Tunis, Algiers, Sicily, and « orsica, Later Cruises—Valestine, t, Athens, Constanti. nople. Lectures by Bishop of lieretord. Sir Lambert ry, deacon of Manchester, Principal Payce, Professor Mahaffy, Pro 4 from Secretary, “HOTEL METROPOLE BRIGHTON * The finest and most luxurious Seaside Hotel in the World.” Charges moderate. Proprietors: THE CORDON HOTELS, LTD. 5, Endsleigh G en WEEN BUTTER-SCOTC (The Celebrated Sweet for Children, demanding Acarics, and the trade mark communicate * morning with a pain across the eyes, a sense of dulness in the | head, a furred and discolored tongue, BE | WARNED! other races not beari as Acarics, are reques' with above . Wholesale of WHEICH, CO., 4, 6, and 17, MARGETBON & London, E.C., and all Hosiery and lrapery Houses. MABIE, TODD, & BARD, 93, Cheaps.de, B.C, ) 96a, Regent Street, W., or > LONDON. 21, Zonsingten High 9t., W., ? ° THE ‘*‘PASTEUR” (Chamberland) Fi LTER. ** The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.”—Baitisn Mepicat Jovanai.. “A real preventative of water- borne disease.”’—Laxcer. To be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers, or from the Makers. J. DEFRIES & SONS, 7 147, Hounsvrron, Loxpos, E.C. * Me BORWICK’S PYRETIC == POWDER SALINE #"« | FR IT WILL SPcAK FOR ITSELF. | ‘ear re - an Get a bottle of — | Baking put a teaspoonful in half a tumbler of water, BESTs SAFEST ’ LET CASKET LAMPLOUGH’S Powder and drink while it effervesces. If necessary, gg 9ByALLC price 2/6, LAZENBY’S _ bas THE ORIGINAL RECIPE BEARS THE WELL KNOWN LABEL Send stamp for OSa0%K E POST “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMFED BLOOD MIXTURE Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities, from whatever cause arising. For Serofula, Scurvy, Eczema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood 7; Pimples and Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- vellous, It is the only real for Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes the cause from the blood and bones. Thousands of w.nderful cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2s. 9d. and 11s. each, of Chemists everywhere. BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. MACASSAR OIL Preserves. Beautifies, Stren thens the Hair. also in Golden Colour, 3s. 64., Ts., 10s. 64 ROWLANDS ODONTO The Best and Safest Dentifrice: 2. 9, of Chemists and Perfumers. Send Postal Order to— A. ROWLAND & SONS, LASS SHEFFIELD TABLE KNIVES. QO A +" 00 mm Peerrr >rrrr>rp NNNNNN mmmmmm 222222 DVANND >orocd A4yoce 2 158 ro 162, OXFORD ST, Ww) 2, QUEEN VICTORIAST,,E.C, | LONDON. (Pacing the Mansion House.) . Masutactory: THE ROYAL WORKS, NORFOLK STREET, 28 lilastrated Price Lists Post Free. —

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| : | | SerremBer 19, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 133 iii 5 Ay; q ; , AW} ee . a “ ~eaiael a! a | th HHT} yy arr} | A FRIENDLY REBUKE. ‘*THANKS FOR A VERY PLEASANT EVENING, AND GOOD-NIGHT, H err Proressor. I’M SORRY TO HAVE TO LEAVE YOU 80 EARLY!’ ‘*AcH! FRAULFIN, WHEN YOU COME TO SEE US, YOUR STAYS ARE ALWAYS SO SHORT!” ROUNDABOUT READINGS. ‘Tue UniversaL Lirerary Surety Company, LimitEp.” I nave just gone through a startling experience, and I desire to communicate the details to the public before they shall have faded from my memory. It is of course a mere truism to say that many strange things are being done in our very midst with- out our being in the least aware of them; but it is certainly extraordinary that anything connected with literature should at the present day remain hid, for has not the man in the street taken to literature, and do not countless periodicals, illustrated interviews, articles on “How I do my work,” with flash-light photographs of eminent authors in the act of composition—do not all these prove how deep and wide-spread is the public inte- rest in all matters of literary concern? There are reasons, no doubt, which would lead those who know the institution of which I am going to speak to keep their knowledge to themselves. These reasons, however, do not affect me; my withers are un- wrung, thouch many a galled jade will wince when I have finished my story. To my task, therefore. I HAPPENED—it was on Friday last—to be wandering in one of the less frequented streets in the neighbourhood of the Mile End Road, when my attention was arrested by a small black board hung over the entrance of a dingy block of buildings. I scarcely know why I should have stopped; perhaps it was an intuition, perhaps it was a mere chance. Anyhow, stop I did, and read the following advertisement, painted in dirty white letters on the board:—“The Universal Literary Supply Co., Limited. Office hours, 10 to 6. Knock and ring.” Tmpelled by an irresistible curiosity, I knocked and rang. There was a shuffle of feet in the passage, the door was half opened, and the untidy face of a house-wench peered dubiously at me. “I called —I mean, I wanted to see——” I began. “Want to see the manager, I suppose,” she interrupted ; “’e’s ’avin a sangwich and a pint just now, and p’raps if you’d call again ” At this point, a door on an upper floor was opened. and a gruff male voice, rendered thick by the mastication of bread and meat, called down, “ What’s up, Satiy?” “ Another on ’em wants to see you, Sir.” “ All right, let him in.” | | | “Come, in Sir,” she said to me ; “fust door on the right on the oe See ind yer ’at.” -I minded my hat, and walked ups , Tue door indicated was open, and I stepped in. I found | myself in an immense room, brilliantly lit by electricity. Some fifty clerks were busily writing at desks, and hardly noticed my entrance. The walls were lined with cupboards and shelves, | all lettered and numbered. Huge iron boxes were ranged all round the room. The atmosphere was heavy, a sort of mixture of foolscap, ink, type-writers, proof-sheets, copying-presses, beer whisky, and biscuits. I cannot remember ever having noticed air of this peculiar kind anywhere else, and yet, somehow, I recognised it at once as familiar. I breathed it in with immense gusto, and my hand strayed mechanically to the pocket in which Flees my note-book. I did not know what notes I was going to set down, but I felt that I must write something. Before I could do so, however, an elderly man, with a grey moustache, a red face, a brown alpacca jacket, a turn-down collar, a brilliant red tie, baggy shepherd's id trousers, carpet-slippers, and with three quill pens stuck behind his right ear, came up to me and ad me, “I presume,” he said, “that you have the usual intro- duction ? ” “Introduction?” I faltered. “I don’t quite know. What kind of introduction do you mean?” “Oh, well, any introduction will do. We prefer a note from an editor, but publishers are accepted. Yes, we’ve done a lot of business through publishers. Of course, we can’t supply | everybody—we do our best, but the business has grown so | enormously that we find that we can’t accept fresh customers without an introduction.” “Of course, of course,” I said; “I quite see that; but I’m | afraid I omitted to provide myself with one. I saw your notice, and as it said you were universal, I thought I’d step in. But | »srhaps a cheque would do, a cheque signed by an editor, I mean. | ’ve got one or two about me.” “Oh, yes, a cheque would do, though it’s rather unusual. We should not undertake to cash it, but if it is drawn for any- thing over £5 there would be no difficulty.” As luck would have it I had that very morning received a cheque for precisely that amount from dear old Bo.pers, the | editor of “ Snapshots, with which is incorporated The Raffle.” |! produced it with a certain modest pride. The effect was instan- taneous. “My dear Sir,” said the manager, “such a reference is ample. We shall be proud to open an account with you. What might you require?” This was another poser. I really had no notion what I re quired ; indeed, I didn’t know what class of goods the establish- ment supplied. = Perhaps,” I ventured to say, “I might take a look round first. I shall probably want a large order executed.” “ By all means; delighted to show you round myself. All our articles, I may mention, are of the very best. We receive them direct from the manufacturers. Now, here,” he continued, tap- ping one of the iron boxes, “here we have a large consignment of heroines.” “Of what?” I gasped. “Of heroines,” he went on, without moving a muscle; “heroines of novels, you know. We used to let them have the run of the place, but during the last year or two we found they carried on so dreadfully with the clerks, and put such curious ideas about marriage and all that into their heads, that we ’ve had to keep them shut up. The mothers of the clerks complained a good deal, and it’s always best to avoid rows. Shall I show you one or two?” (To be continued.) An Unpublished Soliloquy. (Picked up in an Imperial Railway Carriage. ) [‘* The Kaiser and the Tzax tenderly embraced one another, when parting at Gorlitz.’’] Dear Witnetm, many and many a time I’ve longed your Teuton nose to tweak. To do so now would be a crime, Since I have hugged your matchless cheek. From ovr own Inrepressiptz Joxer (in want of bail).—Q. Why should a sea-captain be invaluable ina shop? A. Because he is usually a good counter skipper. VOL CXL N

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SepremBer 19, 1896. “NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN.” (Cycling known to Shakspeare. ) Messenger. SPIES OF THE VOLCES HELD ME IN CHASE, THAT I WAS FORCED TO WHEEL THREE“OR FOUR MILES ABouT.”—Coriolanus§ Act I., Sc. 6. MEETINGS IN THE NORTH—NEW STYLE. (As arranged by the Commissioners of H.M.'s Office of Works.) Scene—Holyrood Park. Trme—Noon. PRESENT—EpWIN and ANGELINA, seated beneath the trees. Angelina (with entl.usiasm). I can assure you the piece was most amusing. The villain said, raising his arm, “I have been the cause of the death of your brother.” _Edwin (apprehensively). My own one, pray be careful, you are giving a representation. Angelina (astonished). And why not? what I saw at the theatre. Edwin (sotto voce). My own, I fear that the Commissioners, unless they authorise it, will not allow it. Angelina (with a smile). How absurd. (Continuing her story.) You see he laid his hand upon her arm like this. Edwin (looking arownd in alarm). Oh, don’t, dear. As a barrister I must tell you that that gesture may be taken as an “action in dumb show.” You are really seriously infringing the by-laws. Angelina (pouting). You are very disagreeable. I always thongs you so clever! And now I believe you are dull and Silv Edwin (distressed). My angel, you know that I would not harm a hair of your head; still, it is only right to say that such a speech as yours might be held as an act calculated to provoke a breach of the peace. Angelina (testy). You wish to irritate me! Edwin (imploringly). How can you say such cruel things! oat ee is now under new rules, and we must be bound ‘y them Surely I can tell you Angelina (after a moment’s consideration). Well, we must wait until we return to London. We will continue our conver- sation in Kensington Gardens. Edwin fnowratui. Alas! loved one, that would not better the situation! e rules apply equally to them, and to St. James’s Park, the Green Park, Regent’s Park, Primrose Hill, Greenwich Park, Kew Gardens, Kew Green, Hampton Court Gardens and Green, Richmond Park and Green, Linlithgow Peel and Park, the Royal Botanical Gardens, Edinburgh, and the Victoria Tower Gardens. (Gently, after along pause.) My own, my dearest, do speak to me. Come (with an attempt at gaiety), 1 penny for my thoughts ? Policeman MacX. (confronting them). Now, Sir, I have caught you in the very act. Asking for a penny when the regu- lations say “that no money shall be solicited or collected in connection with any performance, recitation, or representation, And thinking is a performance, as you know as well as me. Edwin (with dignity). Constable, I am a counsel. If you knew the by-laws you quote so glibly you would be aware that all this may be done “by permission of the Commissioners of Her Majesty’s Office of Works.” Angelina (in tears). Oh, we haven’t got a permission ! Policeman MacX. (sternly). Then, Sir, all you will have to do is to pay a penalty not exceeding £5. That is when the charge is proved. Edwin (after a moment’s hesitation). Constable, you are a man cf the world: Do you not think that half-a-crown, payable at once to you, would do as well ? [The scene closes in upon Policeman MacX. considering. Reat Avtumn Hawpy-Cap.—A deerstalker.

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Sepreuper 19, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 135 | ‘THE NEWEST PALACE OF (POSTER) ART. | (Fragments of the i eye Confession of a Dis- | illusionised Devotee of the Subterhwman and | Anti-natural.) I sunt my soul a poster-pleasure-house, erein at ease to drowse and dwell. I said, “Oh, soul, at noo- nous, Dear soul, thou art a sw x A bm station big as Cross chose. Abundant space and height Were ai It had windows green as Which let let in little light. Posters I hung on every ledge and shelf, O’er wall-place clear, or winding stair. My soul could live alone unto herself With her ideals there! And “ while the a plods round and roun « Reign on a a High-Art king, Still as a parrot who, its el made, Sleeps in its brazen ring To which my soul made answer like a shot, | “You bet, my boy! Here I’ll abide | Far from old Nature’s inartistic rot, In superhuman pride!” * . Full of big bills mal small the palace stood, | All various, each a perfect whole. Unknit from Nature, Pat for every mood | Of my superior soul. For some were hung all gaudy green and blue Like Covent Gardea at the morn ; Imps with lank cheeks and currant eyes

askew And wreathéd satyr-horn. One — all black and red—like Alum’: With S Something ogling there alone, A subterhuman shape, with spectral hands, And surplusage of bone. One showed an inky coast and steely waves, Shaped like flat-irons big and small ; With — nymphs who wanted ave Else vestured scarce at all. And one a full-fed satyr meting slow, With harpies on a le plai Hi “kicking horrors et hi — row, ncing like imps insane. “THE ANCHOR’ ” And one a bo ata: black with chunks and (Sache om a bm D.

Suet a some snaking lights, and higher | =~ <= ’ Two a shapes with serpentining| Shaped from the inane, was there, in| | Lange for beauty and for human mood, yo ry _ And freshness of the morn. And oye eyes +” lurid fire. Like nought in life designed. | But i in dork corners of her palace stood | |

pectral sha ; and unawares

Nor these alone, but every landscape “Oh, all things rare to sate my morbid | gp, pate oy from phantasies in ink and Smudge-slopped and inkily be-lined, — Haunted by vaporous shapes of fiendish} | and hues that please me| Ay+’s horrible nightmares ;

ll. well! ; i igi Oh, bogey faces! Oh, mad phantasies! And shapeless shades wrapt in fuliginous Like nought that is designed. . My gods, with whom I dwell!

flame, ' And with lewd lips, faun-foreheads, all ; Or a maid-monster just let loose from | “Oh, ~~ -Art isolation which art gs, And was compelled to turn, for very | u |

tyx, I can but count thee perfect shame, Nondescript, nameless, flat of form, Watching the drudging droves o tN and| Their faces to the wall. Tego | in arabesques—a curious fix— line, : . . . . ike rigging in a storm : The pretty and the plain!” So when the boom was wholly finishéd, a. — oblique which stared but could af ° ° ° She threw its relics all away. not see, So my soul throve and prospered, several | “ It i is small use to try and sell,” she said, | Wound roel prem temps ip - * . ' sass | “Posters no longer pay! Wound roun _— temples ; lips curle e boomed it; then a slump befell— | « palace a | In ee, ; though the public has long ears, Yet LA —_ cown my walls, Sky-blue he her , bare. orrors no more would sell. | Substantially and strongly built.

Nor these alone: but each chimera quaint | Deep dread and loathing of sheer solitude | Art is not all riddles crepuscular, Which the supreme artistic mind Feil on my soul, from which was born Of subterhuman guilt.’

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| (Szpremper 19, 1896. |

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Enthusiast. * It "LL HAVE TO BE RESTORED, THOUGH.” THIS I8 RATHER A GOOD THING I PICKED UP THE OTHER Day. Flippant Friend. ‘‘Wuy, WHOM DID YOU SNEAK IT FROM?”

I 'M AFRAID

“A WONNER.” Amonest much interesting reading in the current number of the always and well-informed Bookman, is a review, signed Wituram Wattaceg, of the cente- nary edition of Burns, edited by Mr. Hentey and Mr. Henperson. There have been many Wattaces since “Scots wae hae” bled with the original Wii11am. A glance down this review convinces Tosy, M.P., that this particular W. W. is none other than his esteemed colleague in the House, the Member for Edinburgh. | Mr. Wautace does not like Mr. Hen.ey, nor does he hanker after Mr. HenpErson. | wrought by the blameless presence of the | Opposition Bench in the House of Com- mons. He begins his article in the self-re- strained manner in which he preluded his | last attack on his esteemed leader for temporary absence from the post of duty— | a homily interrupted, it will be remem- bered, by the Squrre’s solemnly <—— in. fore proceeding far he breaks fort into full invective, and knocks together | the heads of the hapless joint editors till one does not know which is Hznuzy and which HenpERson. Mr. Watuacr’s indignation culminates at | the discovery that the editors dismiss the | first poem in the first volume, “ The Twa | corn They have the same effect upon him as is| Dogs,” without note explanatory of ot epithet, “Wee blastit wonner.” “ What

is the meaning of wonner?” he angrily | asks. If he really wants to W, | he should look up The Old Curiosity | Shop. “Miss Satty’s such a wonner, she is,” said the Marchioness, on the oc- casion of Dick Swiveller’s first visit to the | kitchen of the Brass household. “Such | a what?” asked Dick. “Such a wonner,” | the Marchioness repeated.

SPORTIVE SONGS. A Sojourner in North Britain goes Salmon- fishing with a New Young Woman. Far from the busy haunts of men, ’Mid hazel, heather, gorze, You are the Beauty of the glen, And I the Beast, of course. I fetch and carry at your wish, I wait your beck and nod, And yet your soul is with that fish, Your ardour in your rod. He struggles hard, gives now a lunge, Like boxer in the ring, And now he executes a plunge That makes your tackle spring ; And then again he quiet lies, As if in cunning thought Of how to lose this worst of flies That he so gladly caught. Anon we see his silver back Rush madly up the stream, And then he takes another tack, An effort that’s supreme ; He tries to leap the rocky wall That environs the pool. How hot that rush! How low that fall! While you are calm and cool. You utter not a word; your wrist Must surely be of steel ; For, let your captive turn or twist, You never spend the reel. But wita your eye fast fixed you stand— Diana with a hook— Determined that good grilse to land, And bring your fly to book. Well done! He weakens! With the gaff I’m ready for the prey. And now you give a little laugh That means “ He must give way!” “Look out!” you cry. I do look out, And then I lose my head. You’ve missed the fish without a doubt, But captured me instead !

At Battle Abbey. Guide. This is the Banqueting ’All-—— American Tourist (looking at his watch). Come, stow that. If you’ll only int lout the bedchamber in which ing | |Harotp died, I’ll make tracks. What! - =| didn’t pay in his checks here? Then I | Squire or Matwoop seated on the front | won’t be imposed on any longer. It’s my belief there never was any Battle of Hast- ings. The whole thing’s a tarnation fraud! | [Exit angrily with family and | grip-sacks. The Poet and his Love. (A Lapsus Lingue.) He. I see that you wear brown boots, | sweetheart—a sign of the falling of th | year. She. Yes, it is in concord with the de- cadence of the leaf. | He. Say rather with the cutting of the | ' [And then the match was broken off through no fault of his.

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SerTEMBER 19, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137 CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. (For Ladies only.) Dearest Erueninpa,—I have done it, moi qui vous parle. Henceforward look upon me as devoted to the most reckless dissipation on the most immoral lines. That I am sure is the impression which my conduct would suggest at Little Pigglewick, where your dear father has for so many years and so vehemently | inst the sins of the turf, on the | inveighed from the pulpit Sunday before the fe og yet I, who was at one time a lambkin in his flock, have strayed among the wolves, and actually seen the race for the St. Leger Stakes at Doncaster, which till then I only knew by reason of its succulent butter-scotch. It was in this wise. Papa and I were staying at the Nissie- THORPE-N oppeEs’s, near York, when Lord Arruur POLE im- | mg me to accept a seat on his coach (which he takes about with | him like a hat box), and, ma mie, as does the damsel in the play, I fell before les beaux yeur de son altesse. Lord Anruur is one of those unfortunate noblemen who is married but not wedded. Many years ago, when a mere boy, he was entrapped by the charms of a female (I cannot call her anything else), who posed in the choregraphic ranks of a theatrical company, the purpose of showing the advantage of beauty unadorned. He, as he has often told me, out of pure chivalry espoused this | I | creature. He was sans peur if she was not sans reproche. | need not tell you how the ill-fated alliance ended; but this I do know, it was all her fault. He has given her, in the noblest way possible, every chance of releasing herself Meantime she is a constant drain on his income and a stumbling- block in his career. “Ah, Kaps” (we are on most friendly terms), he said, only the other night, “if you only knew what it is to bear it and grin.” Papa says that Lord Artuur was refer- ring to the Stock hange ; but I never take any account of his remarks. Mrs. PLantaGenet-Nisss, who of course was of the party, sug- gested a “sweep” over the great event. I did not at first grasp her meaning, thinking it had something to do with smoky chimneys. Not so the rest of the party, and we were very shortly afterwards, after paying five shillings a-piece, engaged in taking slips of paper out of Mr. Nrss_etHorre-Nosses’s hat. I drew a horse called Phabus Apollo (quel joli nom !), but nobody thought I should win; though Mr. Swinsurne Jenx1ns offered me ten shillings for my chance of taking the pool. “ Pas si béte!” I replied, much to the discomfiture of the poet. Lady Typrna Trecat, having obtained H.R.H.’s noble steed Per- simmon, was so elated that she handed a whole five-pound note toa smart-looking individual, who implored her “to back her fancy for a place.” But when the Prince conquered, he did not caret t> pay her Ladyship her winnings. Sir WiLLovcHBy ‘gar said that he must have come from Wales. I did not know that the gallant little principality, so famous for its leeks, Sir Watkin WriiuiamMs-Wynw and Mr. Luoyp-Groror, could be capable of producing such inhabitants; but Sir WiLLoucHsy re- marked that he had never come across such unscrupulous beings as those who are born the legitimate subjects of the Heir Ap- parent to the throne of Great Britain. In this opinion he was supported by Mr. Kamp-Tuicon, who was exceedingly annoyed that his sister should have imperilled five shillings with the same unprincipled individual. Mr. Swinsurne Jenkins, who insisted on our drinking to the memory of poor James THe Fourrtu of Scotland, it being the anniversary of Flodden Field, at once began an ode on the race, He wrote on the back of an envelope, and I know that the first two lines ran : — “* Light the beacon on Snowdon and mighty Plinlimmon ! For the tale that is told of the hero Persimmon.” There was a good deal more, but the groom, who looked after the refreshments, inadvertently swept the paper into the ice- pail, where the fugitive lines were speedily destroyed, to the great and natural wrath of the bard. Lord Arrnur—toujours a propos—said that Mr. Jenx1ns ought to be called “the Water poet, with a(n) ice sentiment.” It would be useless for me to attempt to describe the scene. This intoxicating combination of colour and life, the Yorkshire dialect, the yells and the cheers when H.R.H.’s success was known, made me feel quite reck- less, despite the doleful drizzle, and I threw pence te the negro minstrels with the prodigality of an Eastern satrap. And the costumes! There were some actresses in a break near our coach whose head-dresses suggested a flower show of the Royal Horti- for | from this odious entanglement, but she refuses to accept the opportunities. | Pui rye @ ASSURANCE COP CAPITAL - 150 Rte ca enman etn teeta pau Hh iucdigees a . Beste eer meeceret Myce etegttee er teee Miteemeate Doctor. *‘Now, WHAT vip YouR FATHERSAND Moruer pig or!” Applicant. ‘‘ Wai, Sin, I Can’? BAY AS I DO 'XACTLY REMEMBER BUT 'TWARN’T NOTHING SERIOUS!” cultural Society. These ladies looked wickedly nice in grass lawn and lace, which Mrs. Piantacenet-Nisss—who is always inclined to be nasty—said would give their mothers no trouble to renovate, as they were mangled already by the pressing atten- | tions of their male friends. noticed that Papa seemed some- | what annoyed by the presence of ces dames, and carefully avoided looking at them. Not so Lord Arruur, who waved his hat to the party, and | afterwards entered into conversation with them. But, as usual, noblesse oblige ; Lord A. says that he feels it his duty to be al! things to all women. I need not write more, for you will have | read the daily papers, but I most strongly advise you, after going | to races, to breakfast on the following morning as I did—taking the advice of dear Lord ArrHur—on the soda water, which is always associated with the name of——* and the red herring, | for which Messrs.——* are so celebrated in the fish-curing world. | And yet for lunch I ate heartily of roast partridges, though it | is so cruel to kill these, the dearest, plumpest, and most tooth some little birds in the world. Ever, dear, Your loving cousin, * Both names indecipherable.— Ep. Kang. EARLY BIRDS. British Beauty. An early marriage is very well, With a good income, and a ey American Beauty. Have you a chance of that? Do tell! Yank dollars tempt the British swell, My dollars spring from an oil-well, Bo I shall make an Earl-y marriage ! British Beauty (sorrowfully). As a Republican sure you ought not to. You do dishonour to your dear democracy ! American Beauty (smartly). Oil-well that ends well! That, dear is my motto; An oil-well sometimes ends in—aristocracy ! 7

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON MADE EASY. Moror-CRAWLER. DEER-STALKING THE PATENT SILENT CHARIVARI. (Sepremper 19, 1896. But him, with sinister eyes half shut In scorn, who mocks at crown and mitre. Who ’ll lead? who’ll strike? the peoples cry. Impotent seems ap Yet, hid from cold official eye, Christian humanity seems upsurging, To those who watch. Wistful appeal To an old leader, worn and weary, Proves what small trust the people feel In younger chiefs, callous or cheery. Who'll stir? Who'll strike? Scant an swer yet! “THE EUROPEAN POWERS.” | Powers? Hard by the Golden Horn | Those satyr lips, as cold as cruel, Must curl in sly, sardonic scorn! Will nothing serve as kindling fuel To fire the chilly “ Christian” heart, | Or move from apathetic meekness The timid thralls of mode and mart ? Powers? What then is craven weak- ness ? From Thames to Neva runs all blood _As icily as the pole-world frozen ? l or urging ; Kaisers and Tzars, in fulsome mood, May dub each other “Christian cousin,” War lord, or knightly emperor ; | And he, the Unspeakable, sits smiling The throned assassin lolls and lowers, Mocking, with Crescent crimson-wet, Powerless things called “Christian Powers.” At “Christian Powers.” of spirit poor, Who waste in mutual revilin The black-winged hours, like birds of prey | Full gorged with carrion, vulture, raven, | Flapping in the full light of day : " He ny 9 | take a late holiday, and wish to see Swit- a ¢ Christian kings turned | scriand, the Austatee Tyrol, Italy, and Ma- r m= ee oe | deira. Can I get there and back, and tour Ww aot Eeerel comian ~~ ao ; | about for three weeks for £4 10s.? If not, palter _ = a ue other tourist take me with iL y : im and pay my expenses, if in return I | “But atthe name or ction” falter [looked after the lugeage, secured rooms Meanwhile the ‘ana | 2” hotels, and so on? I don’t know any swell. foreign language, and have never been Mercy, a pale and piteous pleader, jabroad before, but am active and easy | Weeps helpless at the gates of hell, |to get on with when not ruffled. ‘The Christian crowd calls for—a leader | Quire Accommoparine. Who cometh not! Each lord, each chief,| Arms to Heatra.—Will some In diplomatic bonds entangled, man (without fee) advise me as to my Searce dares to stir. No strong belief (health? I am often unable to sleep more Moves any man. The “Powers” have | than eight or nine hours, and after sitting _ _ wrangled, |in a draught for a long time I am apt to Worried, and watched; but none dares| catch a cold in the head. Then, after a cut | full meal, with unlimited spirits, I ex- The Gordian knot, drawn redder, tighter, perience a feeling of more than Armenian QUEER QUERIES. AuTUuMN ARRANGEMENTs.—I am about to death-heaps swell |date”? N |getting thinner.—Povuttry PatRoness. medical These symptoms make me I have tried nearly every | patent medicine sold, and have been re- oppression. rather nervous. fused admittance at two hospitals. A new prescription would be welcomed by Amateur Mepicing Man. An Eartuty Parapise.—Where is a good place to go to for the autumn, abroad, where I can get all English com- forts, and meet no English people? Must be between 3,500 and 2,500 feet up, warm, and at the same time bracing, with southern aspect, good cooking, terms about five francs a day en pension, liberal table d’héte, thoroughly conscien- tious proprietor (Low Church preferred), and a separate iron staircase outside each bedroom window in case of fire. Easy To PLease. Henoovragine.—Could anyone tell me why my Dorking hen fails to bring off the brood of young chickens I have been ex- xecting for some time back? I placed ~ on the eggs—three dozen of éa— somewhere in June, and shut her up in |an outhouse under a bucket, as I was told |this was the proper way. | been out since, thou | tervals. |Christmas for the brood, as a friend She has not 1 feed her at in- Shall I really have to wait till suggests “that I may pullet off by that N.B e hen seems to be ‘At the Cric-Crac Restaurant. Customer (looking at bill). Here, waiter, there’s surely some mistake in this total. Waiter (politely). Zehn thousand par- | Mit my usual garelessness I | vorgot to dons, Sir! have added in ze date and charge you for ze butter. }

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 19, 1896. 77; | fy p tape RC LMaiihdipth/, “THE WAR LORD.” “ HE, THE WAR LORD OF A MOST MIGHTY HOST, WILL YET ONLY EMPLOY HIS TROOPS IN THE PROTECTION OF PEACE.”—Reference to the Tzar by the German Emperor at Gérlite.

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Page 191

| Sepremper 19, 1896.) l4l

| THE COMPLETE SPEECH-MAKER. We are enabled to give the following extracts from a very important collection of speeches, to pu shortly. ‘The tirst of the series, on “the floating form of the knightly emperor” was de- livered at Gérlitz on the 8th inst. To the King of the Belgians.—Oh, royal ruler of Belgium and King of the Congo! with great joy see I yet again thy tiny and delicate figure! Thou too lovest to travel as I, and goest from Saturday to Monday to Corfu, or to Montreux for the day. Hail, royal fellow-tripper! in this speech say I no word about LoTHAIRE, ex- cept that, if he a German been had, never had we even him tried. I love such men, if only they Germans are. Now say I yet again that the sight of thy sweet and sylphlike shape my stern soldier-life sweetens. Some day perhaps come I to Ostend my luck at thy gambling tables to try. Then canst thou perhaps me a tip give. Hoch! hoch! hoch! ; lo the King of Spain.—Oh, mighty monarch, successor of the sovereigns who the rich realms of Spain ruled, gladly gaze I again at thy terrible and towering form! Hadst thou a German n, then in my Pomeranian Grenadiers wouldst thou nobly served have. But now fights thine army against the rebels in Cuba. I drink, oh colossal King, to the success of thy soldiers! If thou me to say couldst, whether this a good time Havana cigars cheap to buy is, very much obliged would I be. Hoch! hoch! hoch ! To the Sultan.—Oh, courageous Com- mander of the Faithful, how rejoice I thine alert and active form, ever fearless in the fight for the good of that nation which so happy as to call thee its ruler is, to see! Thou lovest not a life of luxury and laziness. Thou leavest not thy people to the mercy of murderous miscreants. Strive then as ever, oh, Sultan! sleepless in thy solicitude for thy subjects. And if thou, whom but sherbet drinkest, in the cellars of Yildiz Kiosque some ‘rare old wines discover shouldst pomees some tip- top tokay or some sublime port, forget not thy friend, the ruler of Germany, where temperance in words or deeds not enforced is. Hoch! hoch! hoch! To the French President. —Oh, proud and peerless President, successor of the never-to-be-forgotten and altogether-un- surpassable Emperor Napo.Lgon THE First, as thy fairylike form forward before our fascinated faces floats, see we in thee the eminent embodiment of the lithe and lightsome lissomeness of thy nimble na- tion, and, more than ever, long I thy cap- tivating and coruscating capital to visit, in order there to see, we at the Casino de Paris or the Moulin Rouge, forms that in the dance even more freely than thine float! Perhaps in the year 1900 come I. Auf wiedersehen ! Hoch! hoch! hoch!

_“G. B.,”_ writing from New York, U.S.A., sends a cheque for £4 “for the Little Hero,” which has been forwarded. He says, “ Perha Leonard SrEee.e wants a bicycle, and this may help him to get one, and let him know that at least one American appreciates his noble deed.”

Nore a4 ac gem Fy — Hieu- LaNDs.—-The only para to the grey mare in connubial circles is the grey hen.

A FEW HOURS IN PARIS—AT THIS MOMENT. (By Our Travelling Impressionist.) Start from Victoria at 9 p.m. gets punctually to Dover at quarter to eleven. Then by capital new boat Dover (vice the Wave, Foam and Breeze super- seded) to France in a little over the hour. At the Gare Maritime. Twenty minutes for excellent refreshment. En route. Carriages. Amiens at 3.40. Paris two hours later. Douane, and café aw lait . silk hat. But no one wearing it. ion, brigand’s cut-down chapeau in soft grey felt. Parisians assume black band with white one added. Americans same idea, but garnished with diamonds. To lunch. Can’t do better than keep to your hotel, a hostelrie which is famous for

its courtyard, just opposite the Grand ra, and in the very centre of Paris. ors d’cuvres, two plats at choice, and accessories. If accompanied by wife, prac- tically four dishes at will. You select three. Then you look out for a fourth. An old French officer, decoré, is eating something very good. Apparently chicken, game, and carrots. “ Pot au feu francais,” no doubt. You order it. aiter recom- mends that your selection shall come last, as “it takes some time in preparation.” You agree. You breakfast. You are pre- red (after the practically three dishes) or a plate of bones—to toy with. You look forward to your pot au feu. It ar- rives. Oh, despair! (as said in the Eng- lish translation to the opera books). Oh, horror! (see same source). It is a big tureen of steaming soup! Having lunched, what to do? Streets full of Americans. Shops prepared for the United States market. Beanite com- ay chiefly of precious stones worn in igh heaps on the left side. Cloaks (drab) with Medicis collars, are sufficiently gor- geous for New York. Otherwise nothing particularly novel, save enormous extending from back to waist. Usual monuments. In the hands of the U. 8S. A. Louvre interesting, but scarcely as crowded as the Grands Magasins of ditto. Versailles played out. All the rest. ditto. Driving the same as ever. When in doubt (saith the golden rule of Cocher) run over an “ Anglais.” Cochers to judge from their driving) always in loubt. Mo‘or carriages in full operation cial

behind the Madeleine. They go on rails to Asniéres. Last-mentioned a few years ——— one was a boy—delightful ’ utiful hills, calm turfed banks, very river. Little cemetery on the | benks—quiet spot for last home. As- niéres up to date. Smoke, chimneys and | man ries. River slate -coloured. | Cemetery full and closed, and masked with hideous hoardings, covered with flar- ing advertisements. Motor carriages get to Asniéres to the terror of horses draw- ing carriages. rush out of their way sometimes by trying to climb the statues recently erected to ALEXANDRE Dumas pére and pz Ngvvi.ue. inner. To those who know, always excellent. Now for a theatre. selec- tion from a list of old favourites, ‘I'he Bells of Corneville, Round the World in Eighty Days, the originals of half-a-dozen comic operas done into English many years ago. For the rest, that popular performance (so much in evidence at this season of the ing startling. At the Palais de |’Indus- trie an “exposition” of Le Thédtre et la Musique. usic and the drama chiefly represented by stalls for the sale of pa- tent pottery and home- beer. In addition (to give local colouring) an inter- national orchestra. Advice to those who hate to be done—avoid the exhibition in the Champs Elysées. You have seen Paris. You have dined thrice and breakfasted four times. Is there more to do? Yes, to return, Pay hotel bill. Complain of being treated as Cerberus—three persons rolled into one. Ordered single liqueur, charged for a tri- plet. Blot upon an otherwise satisfactory document. ve Gare du Nord at 9, arrive at Victoria before 6. Entertain- ment between whiles, two short railway journeys, and a pleasant passage. Grand result, increased love for “Home, sweet home,” and English now spoken (tempo- rarily) with a slight Parisian accent.

At Whitby. Visitor (to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his experiences to crowd of admirers). Then do you mean to tell us that you actually reached the North Pole? Ancient Mariner. No, Sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. But I seed it a-stickin’ up among the ice just as plain as you can this spar, which I plants in the sand. It ma me thirsty to think of that marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi’ cold. é [A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience.

A Meat Rewarp.—The New Zealand pers announce that the exportation of | nar lamb to Great Britain has exceeded all previous records. Naturally the result is mint-sauce on hand at the Bank of England. Remark sy ovr Paivitecep Poitician. —‘ Lord Lowponpsrry hurling invectives at the Government for releasing some of the Irish dynamitards reminds me of a man sending coals to Satissury.”

Aw “Ovr-ciper.”—The Head Constable of Hereford reports that drunkenness - vails in that ancient cathedral town. e deceitful apple must be again at work.

year) “reldche.” At the music halls noth- |

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA RIVARL [SepremBer 19, 1896. j The Seats of the Mighty is the infelici- EXPLICIT. tous title given by Gitpert Parker to his Uncle Harry. “AND DID NAUGHTY DADA WHACKY-WHACK POOR MEDJé !"’ latest romance, which seems like a poor Medjé. ‘‘'Is8, UnoLe!” Unele Harry. *‘ OH, POOR OLD GIRL! Medjé. ‘‘ En—-ER—ON THE B-B-BACK OF MY Tummy, UNCLE!” AND WHERE DID HE WHACKY-WHACK You /” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. | who fancies himself as a story-teller. limit. as the dinner lasts. H—R— after page of anecdote, to do him justice, without pretence of sequence. Some are good ; hen require for full enjoyment a preliminary glass of punch and a contem- porary pull at the pipe. H—R—N’s ex- rience has been extensive and peculiar. e has rollicked through life much after the fashion of Charles O’Malley, and Tom Burke of Ours. He has known everyone, from the Emperor NaPotzon to Jacques | Ex1, money-lender of Great Queen Street, Westminster. Of these two he tells what |is not the least amazing story in the book. |“ Naporzon III.,” he writes, “did not for- et Ex1, whom he had known as Prince |Coartegs Lovis Napotzon BonarParre.” But perhaps R—H—N did not really mean to affirm that the money-lender had been posing as the Prince. It is a catastrophe of conjunctions, and grammar is not our authors strong point. It shows how, even when he means to be serious, an Irishman drops into drollery. |imitation of his own style and manner. | It begins well, but soon ceases to be in- | teresting. Tae Baron. LILE DE WIGHT. Dear Misizr,—After to have visited m I am come here to Sandown to pass some you ?—one other friend. sleeping from Edimbourg to London one sleeps so well—ah but, so well!—that one gets himself up the morning fresh as some daisies, as one says in your country. And one pays all simply five shillings of supplement. That is very little. From is to Cannes one pays 100 francs. Only two times the distance, and sixteen times the price! Ah, the drolls of little trains on your Island of Wight! They are as droll as the bathings machines at Sandown, only they go not so rapidly. Sometimes the English mock themselves of our french trains. However you com- plain yourself also of your trains to you, above all in the south te of land. But go then to essay your trains of the Island of Vight, and you will not laugh more of the french trains. It is all this that he has there of the most drolls. And also of the most dears. The prices are changed without veasing. They are changed for the soldiers, for the sailors, for the childs, for the workmen, for the yachtmen, for the excursionists, for the families. One day the price is more, one other day he is less. If one voyages by one train there will be the prices of the third class, by one friends in Scotland, ys at—chez, how say It is a long voyage, but in the superb | the . qui 7 A : train which is superb, it is the Orient Express of the Island of other train not at all. There is the ticket of the third class, but no waggon of the thirds. less comfortable than the thirds of the other english railways, but the prices are the ordinary prices of the firsts. prices of the firsts are enormous, and these waggons, in summer, are ordinarily full of the voyagers of the third class, for whom there | was not enough of place in the seconds. Thus often I am forced to mount in the fourgon des bagages— the baggages truck—with the conductor of the train. Figure | to yourself how I seated myself—me Aveustr—at the middle of the baggages! But I laughed, and my friend laughed, and the conductor laughed, and alldays—toujours—I offered to the con- ductor a cigar, and he ron it to smoke chez lui, and said | - qui, maounsiah.” They are brave boys, those conductors there. And they said all “ Maounsiah,” as all the men of the people in your country, and I compreherded not of all, until to mended to Mr. C and wait.” that my friend told me this word is all simply “M’sieu” in english. A la bonne heure! But we amused ourselves well. he most part of the trains go very slowly. The grande vitesse is truly petite vitesse—little quickness—and we go all by the little quickness as if we were baggages. But there is one Wight, the rapid from Ride to Ventnor. At Sandown it is one of the objects of interest to see to pass this train. He traverses the country like a meteor, before one can speak, as you say in your country, of Joun Rosrnson, he is gone. It is marvellous! And I go to tell you it, I have not seen him of all! Several times my friend and me we walked ourselves to the sta- tion towards the three hours to see pass the express. Sometimes we were in delay—en retard—sometimes the train was in delay and Tue anonymous writer of Here and | There Memories (Fisnen Unwix) under- | takes a perilous task. In ed experi- lence, my Baronite finds few more wearisome than the company of man His | ‘existence is made endurable by the fact | that he is usually constrained by a time | He can tell his stories a | oo a whole volume to fill, pouring out page | we waited not. One time I saw on the horizon a cloud of dust, but the train came not, he had passed, he went himself away to Ventnor. In fine one day we waited at the station, we resolved ourselves to see him. It was tedious. But we waited. Then my friend said “Let us cross the line and wait on the other platform.” I consented, I followed my friend, we descended the steps, we were in the tunnel. At that instant there we heard a noise at above, a noise as the thunder, we hastened our- selves, we ran, we mounted the steps as fast as ible, but still | one time, parbleu—by blue—I was too late! I heard, but I | There is the waggon of the seconds, had not seen, the Orient Express of the Island of Wight. e Agree, &c., AUGUSTE. A Blast from Brummagem. JoserH pats Heaty on the back! | But give him Home Rule? No! Tim may be cleverest of the pack, But Birmingham ’s aglow To fight for the old Union Jack, Led on by Union Jor! Mittonic Morro ror tHe East Lonpon Warter-SeErvice (com- rookenden).—“ They also serve who only stand

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SepreMBerR 19, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Pe Zz ZN ae Nay a 4 THE ELEMENT Mr. Pryer. ‘‘ AH, HOW PURELY SWEET!” 4 _—— an —_— emore re OF SURPRISE. “INK!!!” [Enter the Lady of the House. PROVINCIAL SKETCHES. No. L—OUR TOWN. THis is our town. What say you, Sir ?—A trifle dull and flat, Sir ? | I beg you will not speak of us in such a way as that, Sir, For, whatsoever others in their ignorance may think, Sir, We know ourselves Creation’s cream and Culture’s very pink, Sir. What do we do ?—Well, mostly after breakfast, sun or rain, Sir, We play a round of golf, and after lunch we play again, Sir ; And after dinner we discuss the fortunes of the day, Or comment pretty freely on our adversaries’ play. We can’t imagine how we came to foozle at the burn ; | We vow it was the vilest luck, that stimy at the turn ; You noticed our long iron from the bunker at the seventh, Sir ? And what a fluke the Major made approaching the eleventh, Sir! But if you ’re not a golfer, we have lions here ad libitum, And I shall be delighted, I assure you, to exhibit ’em ; We'll take the churches first, I think—there’s something like a score of them | Or pessibly, for au htT know, there may be rather more of them. | See, there ’s the Parish Kirk. The style? Well, no, not per- _ pendicular, | Nor does it much resemble any other in particular. Beside it is the Catholic Church, behind it the U. P., And higher up the Methodists’, and lower down the Free, And up the court the Baptists, down the slum the Congrega- tionalists, _ And here and there and everywhere still more denominationalists. | But here we are at Market Street. Look round you as you enter! This is the spot our parsons call “The city’s pulsing centre,”— | A phrase we never fail to hear with faithful regularity | Whenever the collection is in aid of local charity. Perhaps, if you ’re a Cockney, used to London noise and riot, Sir, Our other roads may possibly appear a little quiet, Sir ; Few people drive about them but the butcher or the grocer, Our North Street is not quite the Strand, nor Paternoster Row, Sir. But here, at least, in Market Street, there’s always something going on, Here, as the parsons say, “the tide of life is ever flowing on,” I told you so! Come when you will, there ’s something still to see, And vot There’s Grip, the butcher's bull-dog, Suntios for a flea! And there ’s the butcher, too, by Jove, with portly corporation, Who watches Grip’s exciting sport in lazy contemplation. And there is May—alack the day!—the milkman’s pretty daughter, Sir, Replenishing the milk-cans from a pail of chalk-and-water, Sir! But hold! Why dally with the deeds of vulgarised democracy ? For lo! here comes the jewel of our local aristocracy ! Ah! Miss Joanna meets mine eye, Minerva-like Divinity! More chaste than Dian, pure as snow—unparalleled Virginity ! She comes! She comes! Well cross the street and reverently greet her, And p’rhaps ‘twill be as well to drop this somewhat flippant metre And our cigars. She brooketh not the odours of Havannah, Sir, Now, are you ready? Then, here goes! Allow me—Miss Joanna, Sir Overheard at the East End. Sanitarian. By hook or crook a man must drink and wash, e rest has a whistle, and must wet it! Slum Dweller. Get it by hook or crook? Oh, that’s all bosh! By hook or Crook(enden) I cannot get it!

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| | so I will make it hot—I mean damp—for them, with a vengeance. | just at present in a kindly frame of mind, and t 144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [SzpremBer 19, 1896. IRISH TRAFFIC RETURN. Rural Railway Station. Time—8.30 A.M. Traffic Superintendent, ‘‘Ha’¥ AN HOUR LATE, G’YaRD! 1mis TRAIN WAITING FoR?” (uerd, “ Sune, WE'RE WAITING FoR THE PassENGER, SorR!” AN SCENE H'wat's INTERVIEWING A RAINMAKER. ( Being Pages from a very modern Log-book. ) [A gentleman in the Isle of Wight claims to be able to control the weather by means of ‘* Odylic force.”’] Trvurspay being about as sopping and miserable a day as one could imagine, I automoted down, on behalf of Mr. Punch, to interview the modern rainmaker in his villa at Beachdown upon the subject. “Good afternoon,” I timidly remarked, as I found the wizard perspiring in his shirt-sleeves, and busily preparing the evening’s weather in his laboratory. “I came to ask, if by any chance——” “Don’t disturb me, pray,” ejaculated the rainmaker. “ The War Office authorities have not paid me the twopence a head I demanded for providing fine weather during the mancuvres, and By Jove, Sir, the country shall pay for it! I’ll teach them a lesson. Besides, I’ve a friend who’s an umbrella-maker, and I owe him a good turn.” “But, if you would kindly “Yes, yes, I know what you were going to re e But I’m not United King- dom has got to know it. I showed you London people a eample of my powers on Tuesday night, if you remember the little thing in the way of thunderstorms that I turned off. I should have let that loose on Salisbury Plain instead, if the London County Council had only advanced me the little sum, the absurdly in- adequate amount of three thousand pounds I asked for. How- ever, I let them off easily, on the whole, and, besides, gave the East London Water Company a bonus in the shape of extra rainfall. But there, the way some things are mismanaged! Take that Solar Eclipse, now.” “Yes, that was a failure!” “Well, would you believe it. I had arranged for the whole thing to be a most brilliant success, steady light, no clouds or anything to interfere, for a paltry two thousand pounds. I waited for it up to the last moment, but as my honorarium was not forthcoming, of course I had to let them go on a false errand. Those astronomers will be wiser next ‘ime, I fancy! It is merely a matter of pounds, shillings, and peuce.” “You have a scale of fees, then?” “Certainly; here it is,” said the cloud-compeller, producing a document in the following terms : — WEATHER TARIFF. Terms : Cash on Delivery ; Reduction on taking a Quantity. Families supplied during the holiday season. Parishes or counties contracted for by the year. ii April Showers Siandeestenn (sufficient to damage Rival Picnic) Constant Drizzle (for those who like their Sundays at Home) Regular Soaker (especially adapted for Duck- breeders) Fine Days (ordinary, local) Do. for Benos and Bank Holidays, per head Special Brand for Honeymooners, Butterfly- catchers, and other Lunatics..................-.. Queen’s Weather (Town or Country) Blizzard (choice and reliable, adapted for the Medical Profession) Fog (best London, fruity and well-matured, re- commended to City Clerks, Burglars, and the like) Frost, per day (reduction to Skating-clubs and Potato men) Tidal Wave (for Sensational Reporters) Earthquakes, per minute SS chipset Do. total, Corona and Appendages complete Comet (on approval) Precession of the Equinoxes (warranted punctual to the tick, with special provision for general upset of the Universe, at three months’ notice) 100,000 0 0 Weather while you wait. Samples sent per Parcel Post. Call or write to Chief Clerk, Managing Department, Meteorological Bureau, Beachdown, I. W. “There,” said the modern J. Pluvius, “take your choice. The whole thing’s in a nutshell. What can we do for you?” “Thank you,” said I, looking at the steady downpour outside ; “T think Ill take two penn’orth of dry goods, if you please.” “What! you would insult me?” thundered the latterday St. Swithin. “Mr. Punch shall hear of this! Ho, there, turn on two waterspouts, a cyclone, a doldrum, four monsoons, three sciroecos, a peasoup fog, and six weeks’ drought, this instant, in Bouverie Street!” I hastily mounted my automotor and travelled back to town, but, strange to say, the weather cleared up remarkably in London that evening, so the Odylic Odin must have repented of his de- cision. or, more probably, his force was powerless against that of Mr. Punch. —_ — ee _ —s s 85 Coan & torld oc osc oof Co coco woo a oo ce — _ So noe oe 3338s ocooocoo3o eoooooo ta 3 TENNYSON FOR TRADESMEN. (Adapted by Sir John Lubbook.) Ir you’re waking, close us early, close us early, M.P.’s, dear, And that will be the happiest day of all the glad new year ; Of all the ninety-seven, gents, the gladdest, jolliest day, For we — have time for play, brothers, to close, and get off to play! Let the two-thirds close us early, close us early, M.P.’s, dear! Twelve thousand London tradesmen want that two-thirds vote, tis clear. We ’re kept close-bound all the year round. Heed St. Lussock’s prayer, we pray. Let us shut and get off to play, gents, shut up shop and get off to play! More Amenicano.—It is said that the candidature of General Paumer for the American Presidency has injured Mr. Bryan on account of the General’s “sound money” principles. Surely this must be another version of “ringing the changes.”

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PUNCH, THREE BRILLIANT NOVELS. JTLLUMIN ATION. By HaRoLp Pasosasc. | vol., Or. Ovo, és. Sixth edition. The Review oF Keviews The cleverest and most im ve work of fiction that the year has produce: Maweneverse Gesaniss >“ Will not only efford novel. readers food for discussion during the coming season, but will eventually fill « recognised place in English fiction WITHOUT SIN. 4. Parromsap. OF. Ovo, “ The undoubted fascination of the nvineing charm of the principal make this novel so By MARTIN The Woaco writing, and the co characters, are just what intensely interesting T An Episode of the Revolution. By Peis Gass. second edition. | vol, Or. Svo, 3. Mr. Gtaceront “ I have read it with great and sustained interest Asa novel, it seems to me to be written with great skill The Daur Cunonices His warm, glowing, Provenq:l imagination sees that wemendous battalion of death even as Caairis eaw it London: Wu HEINEMANN, “He is a true artist a, Redford &t., W.C. MRS. HUMPHRY WARD'S NEW NOVEL. 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date, and did subsequently, on | Smartie, Esq., who is of incredible dispatch and

SepremBer 26, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 145

JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunesno Japperser, B.A.) No. XXIII. Mr. Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes his prepara- tions for the North. He allows his patriotic sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary outburst of disloyalty—to which no serious importance need be attached. My fair plaintiff has not suffered the grass of inaction to grow upon her feet, wes Dag prod issued her Statement of Claim, by which she alleges that I proposed marriage on a certain ivers occasions, treat her, in - == \ — , a ff

Tam addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a ‘ blooming blacky!’”’ the presence of sundry witnesses, as an affianced, after which I mizzled into obscurity, and on various pretexts did decline, and do still decline, to fulfil my nuptial contract, by which con- duct the plaintiff, being grievously afflicted in mind, body, and estate, claims damages to the doleful tune of £1,000. (N.B.—I have thought it advisable here and there to trans- | assuredly in spirit late the legal phraseology into more comprehensible verbiage.) Now such a claim is to milk a ram, or prendre la lune les dents, seeing that I am not a proprietor of even thousand rupees. Nevertheless (as I have informed SMARTLE), my progenitor, the Mooktear, will bleed to reasonable extent of costs out of pocket. I have held frequent and lengthy interviews with the celerity— though I sometimes regret that I did not procure a solicitor of a more senile and sympathetic disposition. Assuredly had I done so, such an one would not, after per- one Mr any | using my Statement of Defence—a most nm gm oe 4 volumin- | ous document of over fifty folios, cramm and stuffed with satirical hits and sideblows, and pathetic appeals for the Bench’s indulgence, and replete with familiar quotations from best classical and continental authors—such an one, I say, would not have split his sides with disrespectful chucklings, thrown my composition into a wasted paper receptacle, and proceeded | to knock off a meagre substitute of his own, containing a very _ few dry bald paragraphs, in the inadequately brief space of | under the hour. Such, however, was Mr. Smarrie’s course; and the sole | consolation is that, owing to his unprofessional precipitation, said |

the action was set down for trial previously to the commence- ment of the Long Vacation, and my case may come on some time next Term, and I vod ps out of my misery at the close of the year. My aforesaid legal adviser, finding that I adhered with the tenacity of bird-slime to my determination to conduct my case in pesiae, did hint in no ambiguous language, that it might perhaps be even better for me to do the guy next November to my native land, and snip my fingers then tp at the plaintiff. But it is not my practice to exhibit a white feather (except when prostrated by severe bodily panics), and I am consumed by an ardent impatience to air my fluencies and legal learned- ness before the publicity of a London Law Court. Now, begone dull care! for I am to dismiss all om a safe distance litigious thoughts till October or November next, and become a Dolce | far niente, chasing the deer with my heart in the Highlands. My varmnteering soyenintence, by the way, has declined to lend | me his rifle, on the transparent pretence that it was contrary to regulations, and that it was not the bon ton to pursue grouse- birds and the like with so war-like a weapon. So, on young Howarp’s advice, I made the purchase from a pawnbroker of a lethal instrument, provided with a duplicate bore, so that, should a bird by any chance to rd | oe escape my | first barrel, the second will infallibly make him bite the aut, have also purch some cartridges of a very pleasing colour, a hunting knife, and a shot belt and pouch, and if I can only procure some a kind of sporting hound from the Dogs’ Home, I shall forewarned and forearmed cap a pie for the —_ and pleasures of the chase. Miss Wee-wee did earnestly advise me, inasmuch as I was about to go amongst the savage hill tribes of canny Scotians, to previously make myself acquainted with their idioms, &c., for which purpose she lent me some romances written entirely in Caledonian dialects, and the composition of Hon. Burns. But hoity-toity! after much diligent perusal, I arrived at the conclusion that such works were sealed books to the most in- telligent foreigner, unless he is furnished with a good Scotch | grammar and dictionary. | | avec And mirabile dictu! though I have made diligent inquiries of various London booksellers, I have found it utterly impossible to obtain such works in England—a haughty and arrogantly dispositioned country, more inclined to teach than to learn! How many of your boasted British Cabinet, supposed to rule our countless millions of so-called Indian subjects, would be capable to sit down and read and translate—correctly—a single sentence from the Mahabharat in the original ? Not more, I shrewdly suspect, than half a dozen at most! So it is not to be expected that any more interest would be displayed in the language and literature of a country like Scot- land, which is notoriously wild and barren, and less densely popu- lated and productive than the most ordinary districts of Bengal. Oh, you pusillanimous Highland chiefs and other misters! how long will you tamely submit to such offhanded treatment? Will the day never come when, with whirling sporrans and flashing pibrochs you will rise against the alien oppressor, and demand Home Rule, together with the total abolition of present dis- dainful British insoucianes ? bios When that day dawns—if ever—please note this piece of private intelligence from an authorised source: Young Bongat will be with you in your struggle for Autonomy. If not in body, Possibly in both. . , I say no more, in case I should be accused of trying to stir up seditious feelings; but, as a patriotic Baboo gentleman, my blood will boil occasionally at instances of stuck-up English

Poet |

self-sufficiency, and the worm in the bud, if nipped too severely, | may blossom into a rather formidable serpent ! ; As, for instance, when, in the course of an inoffensive prome- nade, I am addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a “blooming blacky,” and cannot induce a policeman to compel my aggressor to furnish me with his name and address or that of his parents, or even to offer the most ordinary apology. Enough of these rather bitter reflections, however. I omitted to mention that I am also the proprietor (at the same pawnbroker’s | where I bought my breeches-loader gun) of a very fine second- hand salmon-rod, a great bargain, and immense value, with which I hope to be able to catch a great quantity of fishes. For there is, according to young Howanrp, good fishing in a | burn adjoining the Manse, so I shall follow King Solomon’s | injunctions, and not spare the rod and spoil the salmons, though if I should happen to “spoil” my rod, the salmons would in- evitably in consequence be “ spared.” 22 This is a sample of the kind of verbal pleasantries in which, when in exhilarated high spirits, I sometimes facetiously indulge

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SepremBer 26, 1896. "Za | ; Y Wp a \ \ ) UNDER THE KIMD PATRONAGE or ve CHRISTIAN PowERS! 1, —— a | DESIGN FOR PROPOSED STATUE TO BE ERECTED IN CONSTANTINOPLE. (SUBSCRIPTIONS INVITED.) Or, A New Liar or Asia. Hatt, Hotspur of a losing side ! Of runs you ’re never stingy ; Both East and West acclaim with pride Your average, Ransrrstnus1! “Britons should team ”- That rule may be a fit ’un, But lives there one who’d basely dream He’s not a “Greater Briton ” ? form an ‘ England’ To England’s luck let ’s beakers quaff ! Though “England” still we style it, Tis half the world—its better half ; An Empire, not an islet. The on-looker expects a feast When he defends the wicket ; They count by centuries in the East, And so does he in cricket. Punch rings thee in with merry chimes, Star risen in far-off Injy! “ England has need of thee ”—sometimes Slogging Prince Ransitsinus! VIVAT REGINA! [On September 23 Her Gracious Majesty will have happily reigned longer than any of her prede- | cessors on the English Throne. } Queen Bess. ‘‘Opps MY LIFE! SWEET Coz! | rHOU HAST REIGNED LONGER THAN THE THIRD | GEORGE, AND MORE GLORIOUSLY THAN MY- SELF!” ‘* Farmer George.” ‘‘Hey, wHAT? WHat? | WHAT? REIGNED LONGER THAN I pip? ‘ Way THEN, MY BOYS, LET US HAVE A HuUzzay!’” ‘* A pattern to all princes living with her, And all that shail succeed. She shall be, to the happiness of England, An aged princess; many days shall see her, And yet no day without a deed to crown it.” Henry the Eighth, Act V., Se. 4. GOB SAVE ChE GUECER! A VALUABLE FIND. (In « Family Photograph Album.) | Ou family photos! No, I strike! I really can’t, my of cousins ; I know exactly what they ’re like ; I’ve looked at dozens. | A chamber of horrors, worst of shows |— Well, if I must—but you ll do showman? |Who’s that? Aunt Sorpny? What a nose | It’s more than Roman. [ wonder grandfather got “ took,” His “ points” somewhat resemble Tow- se , What guys our worthy fathers look In peg-top trousers ! A languid one of Uncle Brau, Who’s that beneath him?—he looks brisker. [ wonder what they did to grow Such yards of whisker. There ’s Husert, with a queer old hat Standing beside him on the table. They all got taken just like that— D’you notice, Manet ? And mother in a crinoline And such a bonnet! Oh, I hate her! The sweetest mother ever seen, Dear little mater !) Yourself aged two—and what a grin !|— How could I tell? It’s very simple. Of course I knew you by your chin; I twigged the dimple! Rude boy! Not I. That’s Caaruisz, eh? I never see my Scotch relations, \lthough they ’ve asked me up to stay In long vacations. Here’s Rose! How she and I and Witt In nursery days the orchard raided! I’m glad to think she’s blooming still, Though here she’s faded. And who’s the roguish little girl ; [’ll swear it isn’t you or Mittiz— With saucy eyes and hair a-curl ?P— She ’s rather pretty! | My picture! How was I to know? irst time, I vow, I’ve ever seen it! Me five-and-twenty years ago! By Jove! d’you mean it? Twill do to grace some future Strand ; Celebrities—you know those es— Portrayed in various fashions an | At various ages!

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| to establish a cosmopolitan library. Seems | a simple idea. | el SzpremBer 26, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 147 SPORTIVE SONGS. (An enamoured Southron endeavours to address a Highland Damsel in her own tongue.) Yon sky is bonny blue, fair lass, But you boast bluer een ; Yon sun is bricht the noo, fair lass, Your locks hae brichter sheen ; The fowl ahint the windy scaur Flees to its hame awa’, But, oh! my heart is fleeter far Whene’er I hear you ca’. The cushat seeks the hazel broch Therein his mate to woo, But I hie to the mountain loch To lilt my lays o’ lo’e. For here it was I speered you first In a’ your pride o’ race, You set my ardent soul athirst When I gazed on your face! I sat me down beside that cairn, And looked, a feckless loon, On Fe the great MacMuck.e’s bairn, i’ ne’er a pair o’ shoon! Wi’ winsome feet sae white as milk You paddlit i’ the faem, Your snoodless locks, sae soft as silk, Whished roun’ your gouden kaem! I looked and looked, and marvelled sair If human you might be; You laughed to see the wonder-stare That came frae oot my ee. And then you broke the eerie spell, And oh! your voice was douce! Like water trickling frae a shell, What time the ebb runs loose! An’ noo I maun my heart declare! : (Weal you — hear its beat.) ’ve lands, and siller, ton, to s " An’ sic a hamestead sweet ! _ I ken you are MacMuck.r’s chiel, His only dearest ane, But tell him that I lo’e you weel, And canna bide alane! RETIREMENT IN RETREAT. (A Possible Page from a Grand Old Diary.) Monday. — Received letter begging me The notion is to translate all the best books into foreign languages. For instance, turn SHaksPEare into Chi- nese and Morrere into Russian. If I had not made up my mind to give up all seri- ous literary work (save magazine articles, fresh versions of Homer, and the like) would consider the matter. But, under the circumstances, think it best to de- ine. _ Tuesday.— Asked to re-organise the State defences. A few years since, noth- ing would have pleased, me better. Of course, know a good deal about both the Navy and the Army. Could scarcely have failed to pick up the knowledge in the course of my reading. Have somewhere or other plans for new forts at the mouth of the Thames, round the Isle of Wight, and on the more pro- minent portions of the Channel Islands. Have a scheme for national mobilization in one of my pigeon-holes. Might do something, too, with my double-action rudder and extra explosive gun cotton. But perhaps better leave the matter in ese — .~ 5 me I shrink from nsibility, but doctor’s orders are ~— vali, doctor’ orders. , mesday.—A most polite co - dent again urges me to complete the fede. ‘Ou, FLORA, LET US BE MAN AND WIFE. WoMAN WHO EVER DID!” ‘*On YEs; I UNDEPSTAND FOU WELL ENOUGH, SIR ALGERNON. EVER BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ME?” ration of the English-speaking races. Have of course, like every one else, | suppose, the scheme worked out on paper. No serious difficulty ; but, to carry out the idea properly, one should visit the various parts of the empire in person. No objec- tion to a trip to Australia, India, and Canada, but doing the Cape and the Mau- ritius would be weary work. So reluc- tantly forced to decline. Thursday.—For the fiftieth or six- tieth time this year I am implored to undertake an oratorical tour. I am to create enthusiasm in England, Scotland, and Wales. Not a difficult matter. In fact, have done it before. Still, I must remember that I am not as young af I was, say, fifty years ago. However, very tempting proposal, but afraid I can’t accept. Friday. —“ Will I save the British farmer?” Same old question. All I have to do is to establish jam manufac- tories in every part of the United King- dom. I have often thought of doing this but never have had the time. I could work all the empty farms at the same time. I don’t know why I shouldn’t, but “ powers that are” say I mustn’t. Saturday.—Cannot remain inactive any longer. Asked to speak at a public meet- ing to denounce the lowest scoundrel that ever disgraced the nineteenth century! Of course I will, and what’s more, if they don’t listen to me, I will raise the nation in revolt, provoke a general election, come in at the head of the poll, and resume =! old rooms in Downing Street! To thin of the knave continuing his ~~ + Well, it is not too late, and I am fit for anything! Sunday. —-Customary service. Very soothing. Calm and sedate. Perhaps, after all, I had better reconsider the situa- tion, or at any rate curtail the pro- gramme. You AT LEAST UNDERSTAND ME—THE ONLY Bur HOW ABOUT YOUR A CLERICAL TRIPPER. {The Vicar of France-Lynch, near Stroud, proposes to teach the girls of the village to dance Suaieg the winter months. | Here’s a cheer for this sensible vicar! May he ever keep a like a “ ticker”! As he ully shows The odin of his toes, May his classes grow thicker and thicker! In the valse let him swim con amore! Let him polk with persistent furore! In palop none quicker, In lancers a kicker, Let him rival the jeunesse stage-dorée / Let the Puritans banter and bicker, Here’s his health in a pint of malt liquor! Let each Terpsichorean Re-echo the pean, “Success to the hops of the vicar!” ‘‘For the Rain it raineth every day.”’ Parson (to farmer, whose barley is sprouting). Miserable weather, Mr. Roots! Farmer. Aye, it be a sort of judgment on them folks as was so plaguey anxious to pray for rain last os [Parson hurries on To the Cormorant in Kew Gardens. Poor bird! quite alone You sit on a stone, And dream that you once were a flyer ; No more shall you range, E’en your plumage must change, Since you live ’neath the rule of a Dyer At Corfe Castle. Professor (to assembled picnickers). 1 would remark that this ancient ruin is memorable for the use of the knife—— Hun Pilgrim (interrupting). And fork. ere goes for that veal and ham pie! Historical lecture postponed.

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PUNCH, _ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | SEPTEMBER 26, 189€. | SOME CIPHER WLRES, New York, to friend in England. Am leaving for Europe Thursday. All safe. Police have not least suspicion. My wovements quite unknown to them. ve Shadow, New York, to Scotland Yard England, Our man sails for England Thursday. Have secured berth in cabin adjoining. From No. 1 From Detecti ky n En New York. Be very careful—don’t think we are sus- | pected, but you never know. No. 1 iend gland to No. l, reply). | Nothing to fear. Police absolutely ig- | norant of my appearance and whereabouts have given me + long ago. Shall go from Liverpool to Paris and thence Bou- logne. From Shad | No. 1 ha altered appearance. Paris and then to Boulogne. company, of course. From No. 1, Boul New York. to Scotland Yard. shaved off beard and greatly Will probably go to all ac- Sh vgne, to friend in London. | Most cowardly of you to have mis- givings. Police all fat-heads, and know positively nothing of my movements. From Shadow. , to Scotland Yard. Our man over-eat himself to-day—said beef was tough at dinner—stood him two | whiskies afterwards, when I noticed he had one waistcoat button missing, and was wearing pair of new boots. Wire me when you ’d like him. From No. 1, Boul Manufacture proceeding most expedi- tiously—shall be ready for forcible action in a week. Have no fear—we are abso- lutely safe, and police do not “even sus- pect. Fro Think we morrow. Fy Boulogne yyne, to friend in London. Scotland Yard te Shadow, should like Boulogne. n our friend to- m Shadou Scotland Yard. Be Will annex him to-night. uloqne, tu Certainly. The Dainty Fancy of Love. He (after hearing Miss Clorinda war- ble). Do you know that you reminded me | of an Indian Prince just now. Miss C. An Indian prince! How? He (impressively). Because you were | Dew-lip-sing. May I, sweetheart? [Sample exchanged. he HEARTS ALL ROUND. (A Memory of the Past, with a Moral for the Present, ) ** Pray God our greatness may not fail Thro’ craven fears of being great.’’ TENNYSON. Great patriot voice, though silent now, Yet sounding on the air of song In endless echoings; laurelled brow, All reverence; did a giant wrong Rise in thine England’s road, thy cry Was for resistance to the death, seeing that freedom—though to die— Was our soul’s soul, our life, our breath “ Hands all round!” So in our ears that clarion voice did | sound, And so it sounds to-day from cliff to cliff Of the white coasts of England round and round. First pledge our Queen!” And so we do! Her sixty years of splendid reign, By compact with earth’s craven crew Of despots, we care not to stain. Even the dumb-dog policy Of acquiescent silence irks. Mute conscience cannot bend the knee To oppressors, Muscovites or Turks. Hearts all round Burn at the tale of hearths in hearts blood drowned To sate the throned Assassin’s murderous ate Whilst like poor muzzled curs the Powers crouch round. Ob! Queen, to whom all hearts to-day Turn loyally; oh! youthful Tsar Her honoured guest, hailed on thy way As peace-protecting “ Lord of War” ; The secular East ye hold in fee Between you, royal host and guest! Is there no way joint wit may see In honour’s cause to band the West? Hands all round, And hearts, and heads, proudly crowned! In the great name of Peace clasp hands as friends, Link hearts for mere humanity round and round! humble or a al hearts who long inglish empire whole”! te Soar old Northland, strong And ye, ye, sl Sons re t And you, old chieftain, white and worn, But wakeful still at honour’s call, Whose lifted voice, like Rotanp’s horn At Roncesvallés, rouses all, Sound the alarm, réveille raise, In England’s and in honour’s name! Faction’s least touch would mar the praise, Party’s least bias blot the fame. Hands all round! That should ms clearly in the clarion’s sounc should base faction’s hope confound. cause of honour rouse her friends, And the good fame of England round and round! hat skulking In the great NOTES OF A LITTLE CRUISE INA LARGE YACHT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Loo or Tony, M.P. Greenock, Saturday Morning.—Curious arrangement of the sleeping | berths in the | train which brought us up (“ Like a mush- room,” Sark says) in the night. Not equally divided. One side sacrifices some- | thing of its width to corridor passing full Ile yngth of car. Depends upon which side you happen to be ticketed for whether you get a broad bed or a narrow one. Oddly enough, Sark didn’t get the broad bed. Almost wish he had. Being short of temper, and bulky in person, he |spent an appreciable part of my night’s rest in grumbling. e was particularly angry because we had each alike paid five shillings for our bed. “Tf you have five shillings’ worth of | bed,” he woke me up to say, the idea pre- | senting itself to him at 3.20 a.m., “mine | doesn’t run beyond three-and-nine- penny- worth at the most.” It’s a pity men allow these trifling mat- ters to annoy them. If such a thing hap- pens again, I think—the idea didn’t occur to me till we were running into Greenock station this morning, it was of course too late to carry it out—I ’ll change berths with Sark. Off Arran, Sunday.—The India is the latest message the P. & O. Co. have sent to the sea. She is mgnificent in all ways To scour earth’ 3 seas from pole to pole; | Pale silence which red guilt condones Is not your fashion from of old. Speak out, speak all, in manful tones Honour hath claims as well as Gold! Tongues all round Speak for — i. with no uncertain | In the Sled 5 name of England speak, : Of faith Pn ‘truth and honour round | and round! And ye, our statesmen, see ye be “True leaders of the land’s desire.” When at the sights men sit and see Slow-moving Saxon spirits fire. We urge you not to a mad rush That may wake war, or shake the State, But—see that Britons need not blush For craven counsels all too late. Hands all round! In patriot —_ not party shackles, | Bound—not - faction’s gain, but na- ional pride, And the eal name of England round and round. Eight thousand tons burden. Chairman |SurmertanD, K.C.M.G., says, with pean | of triumph in his eyes, she is of 10,000 |horse-power. I wonder where they keep the horses. In the hold, I suppose. Must be stuffy in the Red Sea, and dread fully monotonous. Sark says he believes they are sea-horses, which will probably make all the difference. Arranged when the cruise was planned that India should proceed from Clyde to | Dublin. Last night route altered. Captain

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SepremBer 26, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | taxed. Hope the collector not re | edged sea. | carnality is the possession of a spy-glass. Comin | gow, and further inland, this gi fi | circumstance to the too brief holiday. From time to time one | puts up his spy-glass, slowly surveys scene in the bay, and | teen breakfasts for the price of twelve! | certainly worth living. | It’s a framework of perforated | turn a wheel-handle, and water, thick rain. Briscoe says there “isn’t enough water.” Seems strange. Al-| ways heard that if there was a drawback to attractiveness of | Ireland, it was the too constant rain. Certainly it has been a dry | summer with us. Water famine at East End and the like. | Probably average not yet made up at Dublin. However it be, | instead of crossing Channel to Ireland, we steer up Scotch coast | to Lamlash Bay. A fresh injustice to Ireland. After luncheon, went ashore. Some question whether we should be able to land. Rumour current that the pier is locked up on Sundays. Advanced cautiously. Reconnoitred. Not a soul in sight. Landed on pier. At gate a board proclaimed that a fee of two-pence is levied on every passenger. Feel for | our coppers. A ghostly silence reigns over hut whence collector | might be expected to spring. Gate open; we walk through un- | oie us from window of one | of the houses near. Pitiful to think of his emotions on seeing | bang go at least twenty twopences uncollected. Turning to the left, we come on a long street, facing the turf- This is Lamlash, a congeries of lodging-houses, none more than a story high. The lodgers are mostly on the cold | ground, sitting on chairs or benches in front of their apartments. | They don’t talk, much less “ whustle.” The nearest approach to om Glas- of nautical | this gives the final touc solemnly brings the glass back to hisknee. They must have seen it all before through many days. Nevertheless, at brief intervals they sweep the horizon, always beginning at the same place, and with slow motion leaving off as before. “T think,” said Sark, involuntarily dropping his voice to a whisper, “they ’re looking out for Monday, when they can talk to each other again, bustle around, bathe, or even catch mussels.” A fair scene of Sabbath peace, broken only by the lapping of | the waves among the sea-weed on the beach. Meeting an elderly | gentleman, looking uncomfortable in an aggressively square- built suit of rusty black, I ventured to expatiate on the beauty of the scene. The patriot Scot evidently pleased at the artless enthusiasm of a mere Southron. He hadn’t a spy-glass with him, having evidently just come out of church. But he | looked round in se: of some climax in the peerless beauty of the scene with which he might my remark that the people | living here were very fortunate, and ought to be happy. “D’ye see that vessel lyin’ avre there?” he said, pointing to a good-looking craft, but as a penny steamer beside our stately liner. “Weel, that’s the Jupiter. She sails every day between Greenock and Lamlash. She’s the fastest boat on the Clyde, | and forbye that she beats them a’ for breakfasts. Man, when ye tak’ ane o’ her breakfasts ye need neither dinner nor supper, and a’ for twa shillings a head. If ye tak’ a dozen tickets at a time ye get them for eighteen pence apiece. Sixteen breakfasts for the | price of twelve!” As the old gentleman spoke, the light of the setting sun falling en his furrowed face brightened it with a look of ecstasy. Six- At Lamlash life is Plymouth Harbour, Tuesday.—Sarx is not in good luck this trip. The narrow bed—“ Put in it before my time,” he says, gruffly—was bad enough. This morning was worse. Thought he would try the spray bath, of which he had heard high approval. ipes, within which you stand, ot or cold, dashes forth in fine Sark had heard that the thing to do is to turn on both handles, modifying the heat according to taste. He began with that labelled “hot water.” It was surprisingly hot. Sarx dashed at the handle; gave it another screw, meaning to turn the water off. In excitement of moment, blinded with the dashing spray, agonised by the nearly boiling water, he turned it wrong way. The water played upon him with redoubled force and heat. Sark’s observations were, I am told, heard at some distance. ; Why didn’t you step out of the enclosure ?” I asked. “You get in, and see what you’ll do,” he replied, its par- | boiled condition lending an almost evil glare to the countenance turned upon me. In the Channel, Thursday.—Steaming up Channel. A fine autumn day, with the sea, blue as the Mediterranean, tossing up countless white caps for pure joy at being alive. The very day to sit on deck read Report (just out) of Financial Rela- tions between Great Britain and Ireland. Have done so, and | now, with Tilbury in sight, am in hopelessly dazed condition. | Talk about conference of Kilkenny cats, or meetings of Irish Members in Committee Room No. 15, they were monotonously | “Dip YE sEE THE Lorp MAYOR WHEN You was ur TO LuUNNON?” ** Aye, Lap, I pip.” ‘* De’ ’E GANG ABOOT wi’ A CHAIN?” = No; "E GANGS Loose!” i The result is un- unanimous as compared with this Commission. paralleled amongst Blue Books. First of all eleven of the thirteen commissioners agree to a final joint report, which they sign. Item: This done, five of them, the Chairman, Mr. Repmonp, Mr. Martin, Mr. Hunter, and Mr. Wowrr presents a report on their own account. Item: Lord Farrer, Lord Wevsy, and Mr Currie hand in their report. Item: Lord Wexny drafts a memo randum declaring wherein he disagrees from Lord Farrer and Mr. Currig, whose report he has signed. Item: Mr, Sexton, Mr. Biaxe, and Mr. Starrery sign a fourth report. Item: Mr. Biake sets forth, at considerable length, points of difference he holds with Mr. Sexton and Mr. Statrery, whose report carries his signature. Item: Sir Davin Barsour has a report that no one else will sign, even with the privi- lege of supplementing it by a memorandum showing how it is, in the main, hopelessly wrong. Item: Sir Tuomas Sutnen- LAND, not to be outdone, presents a masterly report demonstra- ting the unfairness and the impracticability of everything but hi» | own partioular plan. ; Am glad to have dropped anchor off Tilbury. A delightful voyage, a noble ship, a princely host, charming company. But after studying the Report of the Royal Commission on the Financial Relations between Great Britain and Ireland one has WAIST NOT WASTE NOT. (Paradorical but Important.) “I~ Paris the ‘wasp’ waist is off,” they declare. This is excellent news to the wholesome and tasteful. Adopt a full waist if your health you would spare, It is the spare waist that is wasteful! A woman wastes health in each creak and each gasp, For a waist that is only a grace—in a wasp!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

{Sepremper 26, 1896. |

SP Ot te ei. Sere : wr ry Nim 4 » MAR, Ali ye ol O r Ne pdt | a ot /, \wr os j Ky ¥ sity phy + il : Nf > 4 ™’ { TZ ’ ii he ad mm fi ; . a q : Pd F Wy 1N% Aig ] ye 22 oe hel , ‘ nh 7 Wr o ‘ is Chih NA Vhs a7 <2 + P 23, A PLEASANT PROSPECT. ‘‘LooK HERE, ToM, YOU MUST MIND HE DOESN’r KICK HounpDs, AND I wovLpn’r JUMP HIM, vho has mounted Friend). See!” Sportsman KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT. SO, IF THEY HAPPEN TO GET AWAY, YOU ’D BETTER TAKE HIM HOME, AS H& [Nice for Tom, who has driven twenty miles before daylight in order to enjoy a morning's cubbing.

ROUNDABOUT READINGS. Lirerary Suppty Company, LIMIrep.”’ ( Continued.) Wuen the manager asked me in this matter-of-fact way if he should show me one or two heroines, I was naturally somewhat taken aback. My reply was cautious. “Is it quite safe?” I asked. “Oh, pe:fectly. You see, we keep them low in the matter of | diet; they only get an elopement once a week, and a divorce | about once every two months. Their ordinary food while they | remain in this establishment is English Grammars mixed with | History Primers. It’s curious how they dislike it at first, but they soon get used to it and thrive very fairly, though of course they can’t get very fierce on that. They all know me. I make it a point to feed them myself. I really should like to show you some specimens.” He unlocked the front of the huge box before | which we were standing, and called out “Hermionz, Rosamunp,” whereupon, to my intense surprise, two fully-grown females | issued forth. They immediately began to dance round the mansger with the most lively demonstrations of affection, patted | his head, stroked his cheeks, and kissed his hands. “Down, Hermione, down, Rosamunp, down at once!” he exclaimed ; wa are simply covering me with scent. This,” he continued, | addressing me, and pointing to Hermione, “is one of our Hill- | Top heroines. Do you notice her wealth of auburn hair, bound in simple tresses, and the candid look in her deep, liquid eyes ? She can blush more virginally than any similar article we have ever provided. Then she can defy the world and its conventions, and die quite beautifully on a trestle bed in a dingy and un- carpeted three pair back. Hunrr” (this was to one of the clerks), “is this article sold ? ” Tue UNIVERSAI

in stock. Now Rosamunp is entirely different. | tennis implements, “Yes, Sir; sold this morning to a lady. She’s to be fetched | away to-morrow.” | “ Ah,” said the manager, “I thought she wouldn’t remain long | She ’s the typical | English girl, not very clever, but very wholesome. Just observe her sun-burnt complexion and her swinging stride. We generally sell this kind with a brother or two to play cricket with. The purchaser is expected to provide bicycles. It used to be lawn- but we recommend bicycles now. I’m sorry to say we’ve had Rosamund on our hands for some time, and I really don’t know when we shall be able to dispose of her. A good many years ago we did an enormous business in Rosa- MUNDS, but the demand has gone down terribly. Still, we always keep one or two in case we should be suddenly called on to supply them. One never knows. Now then, you two, trot away ~~ to your box.” It was quite touching to notice how meekly the two heroines obeyed.

I sHouLD have mentioned that the further end of the room was divided off by a wooden partition. I ventured to ask what particular business was transacted there. “That,” said my guide, “is our Scotch department. It’s a very profitable concern, and I rather pride myself on as persuaded the directors to establish it. One must keep up wit: the times, and if there ’s one thing the times seem to want more than another it’s Scotch goods. I fancy we can do pawky | humour better than any other house in the trade, and I’m quite | certain that our special line in peasant pathos is absolutely un- | equalled. Just step in with me and have a look round.” We passed through the swinging door that led into the Scotch department, and found ourselves in the midst of a scene of busy activity. A score or so of clerks, men and women, were engaged in cutting tartans of every variety, and making them up into plaids and kilts. A confusion of strange sounds assailed my ears.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON A STRONG APPEAL! “ THAT COERCION, WHICH OUGHT LONG AGO TO HAVE BEEN APPLIED TO HIM (THE SULTAN), MIGHT EVEN NOW BE THE MEANS OF AVERTING ANOTHER SERIES OF MASSACRES, POSSIBLY EVEN EXCEEDING THOSE WHICH WE HAVE ALREADY SEEN.” | Extract from Mr. Gladstone's letter to Mr. Crossley, of Manchester. |

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SepremBeR 26, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “ Now then, look alive with the is,” “send along the hoots- toots, and be sharp with them,” “ Elders for three and discourse for two,” “Six braw Heelanders in order.” Such were some of the curious phrases that were hurtling about. I was introduced to the head clerk. “A very interesting man,” whispered the manager; “was a Free Kirk Minister once, and used to preach wonderfully, but had to give it up owing to nerves. He’s really most useful to us, most useful; has a thorough knowledge of all the dialects, and for salmon-rivers and golf-links I would back him against any one you could name.” bowed respectfully to the ex-minister, and engaged him in conversation for a few moments. I regret to say, however, that I failed to grasp the meaning of his remarks. When he asked me to “Come awa’ ben,” I murmured something to the effect that my name was not BengaMin, and as the situation seemed to be getting strained, I was glad when the manager took me away. We next went upstairs into another large room. “This is one of our show-rooms,” explained the manager; “ please be very careful where you step. I’m afraid the place isn’t as tidy as it ought to be. We’re simply littered with French Kings and Cardinals just now. Everybody wants them, and as they ’re a very bloodthirsty lot their keep comes rather expensive. Those are French girls, daughters of Counts or Sieurs, and as brave and patient and loving as we can make them. We provide them all with our own patent action for battlement-climbing and hanging over rocky ramparts by ropes while the bullets whistle round them. It’s an ingenious toy. Of course we require a gallant young knight or two to make it work thoroughly. The gallant young knights are generally fools, but the public seems to like them. Ah, that’s our case of cheap murders. Pretty things, aren’t they ?” I askep the manager if there was much doing in poetry just at present. “Not very much,” he replied; “poetry’s a bit off. We used to sell quite a number of ballades and things, and I’ve seen as many as a dozen minors in here at one time buying rhymes and stanzas and other brittle goods; but that was some years ago. Somebody or other had died, a Laureate, or some- thing of that sort, and there was a good deal of competition for the place. We sold a great number of our shilling packets of rhymes. But on the whole it’s not a particularly paying busi- ness, and we’re thinking of giving it up altogeter. We’ve had an offer from Vigo Street to take it over as a going concern, and I’ve advised our directors to close with it. Ah, here’s something you'll like. It’s an idea of my own, and one of the best things we do.” The manager pointed to a polished mahogany case on the floor. “ Just look at the finish of that,” he said; “ you can’t apgomnes it anywhere else. Why, the case itself is well worth the money we charge for it, let alone the contents. It’s our guinea box of allsorts”—he began ticking them off on his fingers— “containing one dozen best interviews, two hundred high-class quotations, specially selected, six sporting anecdotes, four de- | tectives, with our own inscrutable smile and a revolver apiece, | two doctors—they’re a capital substitute for detectives—one | Satan, as used by Miss Corexui, sadness, patent-leather boots, gentlemanly breeding, and odour of brimstone all complete, twenty-five literary causeries, fifteen dialogue-stories, and an | assortment of East End slang. Oh, it’s a magnificent bargain, | that’s what it is. Let me tempt you with it?” To be brief, I was tempted and I succumbed. But up to the present I have had no opportunity of making use of my remark- able purchase. Still, it is certain to come in useful sooner or later. I hope before long to pay another visit to my friend, the manager of the Universal Literary Supply Company, Limited. In the Editorial Sanctum. Editor and Proprietor. Well, how are the “ads”? Manager and Editor. As usual at this time of year, deuced bad. We must fill the paper somehow. How would it be to send Gususy to write up the watering places of Russia? E. and P. Preposterous! Look at the expense. Here, I| have it! Tell Sarxax to write a letter on the joys of polygamy, | | and then let the public run loose. M. and E. (admiringly). What a man you are, to be sure! J E. and P. (beaming). That’s why I always appeal to the omen. To | Office crreeuate Metvitte.—Why not start a Sherlock Holmes A HONEYMOON OUTING. Ernest (faintly). ‘‘ VERA, DARLING, I DO BELIEVE 1'M THE WoRs1 SAILOR ON EARTH!” Vera (ditto). ‘1 WOULDN'T MIND THAT 80 MUCH, I¥ J WASN'T 80 BAD ON THE WATER!” THE PORTRAIT-PIPE, (By a Bachelor Devotee of Bacey.) [The portrait-pipe is a growing fad in America, Furepenick Gesnanvt, married to a Baltimore beauty, wished to have a pipe made in the likeness of his wife. A month later he received the pipe and a bill for 800 dollars. | Pur that in your pipe ardent bachelor smokers |! A wife is expensive at all times, no doubt ; At least, so assert the misogynist croakers, Who swear ’tis a thing a man’s better without. Some have had to make choice between wife and tobacco, The weed and the woman, the puff and the pet, The pleasures mere males to the feminine pack owe Are purchased most dearly in that way, you bet! But “ Portrait-pipes” open a vista extensive. A meerschaum museum of family mugs At eight hundred dollars per pipe were expensive. One’s bachelor freedom, with bacca, one hugs More complacently yet. Sure a sixpenny briar Without a wife’s phiz, is sufficient for me ; And wifelessness means—unless fame is a liar— F’en in smoking a saving in mere L. 8. D. To fill a wife’s phiz with sweet bird’s-eye and smoke it Sounds rather romantic, but dreadfully dear. And a suppose that I dropped it and broke it! To break your wife’s head might mean mischief ! fear. My pipes and cigars, like my cuffs and my collars, Run up to an annual bill that’s no joke. But puff portrait-pipes which cost eight hundred dollars ? Such bliss matrimonial would soon end—in smoke! To any Number or ConnesponpEents.—Great minds think alike. At least three hundred letters have been received at our office, suggesting that the Government should remind the Police of the proverb—“ T'ake care of ‘ No. 1.’”

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[SepremBer 26, 1896. | AM . nh I {hi |] £4 Z \\ “ iP ae - gir +t f me a L eM le “ AN ELOQUENT FIGURE OF SPEECH. First Conductor. ‘‘ Wet, CHAWLY, ‘OW DID THE BEANO GOW ORF LARS’ NIGHT ? Second Conductor. ‘‘Ow, THR Guv’NOR DONE US A TREAT, JIMES.” First Conductor. ‘‘ Lots o’ Breer, BH?” Second Conductor. ‘‘ Basr? Now Fear! Saempyye, cocky! W’y, THERE WAS ENOUGH | SHEMPYNE TER WASH A ‘Bus iy!” | 154 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a = | | And if we haply have a dance ‘* The Inhumanity of Man to Mann.” Foreign Anti-Socialist sings :—- Wuen blown by Autumn breezes Tourists leave Britain’s isle, The prospect greatly pleases, And only Mann is vile. Tour on, but no oration “ relief,” In Socialism’s name! Only in your queer nation Spouters can play that game! — — Butier.—Binfield. Tre Spot ror Att-pine Scenery. — (By an Old Stager.) all through the winter. club dinners. The New Stagecraft. Ir you would win on critical beli You must combine old trash on the ae But what of that ?—They play their parts, oman With “comic business” which "| Enshrined in our loyal hearts And “human interest” that is inhuman! AN IpeaL Restinc-PLace ror a Retrrep PROVINCIAL SKETCHES. No. I.—MISS JOANNA. | Some blossoms ope to fade away At the first touch of winter’s blasting, But while her fellow-flowers decay | Our Miss Joanna’s everlasting : |For though a score of years and more | Have glided since she first came out, Sir, |She blooms to-day as young and gay | As when she saw her maiden rout, Sir. She is our star. A tone, an air | Of breeding o’er the town she scatters, Nor is there one so bold that dare | Dispute her sway in social matters. | Happy whom she with favour names! iow the house where she is seen, Sir! | | Has she not curtseyed at St. James, And been presented to the Quzen, Sir? | Though here we seldom get the chance, | | We love a little dissipation, Or soirée, great our jubilation. Then songs are sung, and flings are flung, And reels are reeled with merry pranc- ing, And no one but the very youn ; Believes himself too old for cing. There Miss Joanna will be seen— Without her ‘twere no dance at all, r— With stately step and gracious mien, And all prepared to lead the ball, Sir: A coy wee rosebud in her hair A simple fleck of modest yellow, And resting on her bosom fair, | In innocent repose, its fellow. | Ah! Happy he to whom the Fates | Entrust so rare, so chaste a burden! Aye, blessed beyond all potentates | To whom they grant so rich a guerdon! What though she wear another’s hair? | What though her blushes will not go, Sir ? Who once has clasped that form so fair, Is stamped forever comme il faut, Sir. Or if sweet music while the night, Then Miss Joanna kindly favours: With carefully subdued delight We listen while she gently quavers. She warbles “ Orpheus with his Ly-oot,” With wondrous twist and turn and twiddle, Now fainter than the softest flute, Now pyrotechnic as a fiddle. And when her classic song is done, _ At our request, she, with a smile, Sir, | Agrees to give her other one, | That sweet old air, “ Within a mile,” Sir, | And when in gay and girlish way She coyly trills, “I canna, canna,” | Why then we know, where’er we go, | There’s none can sing like Miss Joanna. Our neighbours, fired by jealous spite, May scoff and scorn in bitter malice, And even, in their envy, slight The glories of St. James’s Palace, And still, despite their worst endeavour, | Our Miss Joanna lives forever. | Nansen’s Latest Discovery. — The | | tracks of the King of Sweden. | Bournemovth, where firs are in evidence| Stump Orations.—Speeches at cricket-| Fats anp THE Suttan.—A question of | Dis-Crete.

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| | | and then she has the yy ~ ”_s9 I heard her describe her | t | complaint to Marrna, | what this disease is, but it is awfully loud. Uncle, who comes | | | If I try to sing when the dear old barrel-organ comes into the | SepremBer 26, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PENNY-A-LINER TO THE LATEST SEA-SERPENT. (An Expostulation in the Silly Season.) WELL, you are not a clump of sea-weed tangled, Nor yet a lengthened shoal of lumbering porpoises! But the sea-serpent o’er which long we ’ve wrangled, You skinniest, most contemptibie of cold corpuses? No, no! You would not make men squeal and squirm By lollopping | es along the far horizon. You ’re more like a big eel or monster worm, With neither power to swallow, swamp, nor pizon! You’re not a cuttle-fish, nor yet a seal, A ledge of rocks, or a long ridge of coral! Why your a self should you reveal, And spoil the penny-a-liner’s yarn—and moral— By getting stranded on the Australian coast, Giving yourself—and us—away completely ? How much you discount the sea-captain’s boast, And giscumbobulate the old sailor sweetly ! But really you should have shown more respect For us poor scribblers in the Silly Season. Our loveliest tale the public will regret, And spoil Remance by listening to Reason A few yards long, and with no goggle-eyes, No gaping jaws, no sinuous sliding motion! Why, you would scarce a long-shore swab surprise, it he should meet you in the mighty ocean ! You must be monster-headed, seven miles In serpentining length, not a foot shorter, Or else at such a sham the public smiles, And you’re not worth a rap to the reporter! THE MANNERS OF OLDER PEOPLE. (Communications from some of the Children.) Dear Mr. Puncn,—I am a little girl, aged ten, and live with | my uncle and aunt, because my papa and mamma are on duty | in India. My aunt, who isn’t my real aunt, goes to church three | times every Sunday, but you should just see her on week days. street, she boxes my ears, and says, “That will teach 7 to | remember the time of day.” She always sends me to bed early, | our-maid. I don’t quite know | home very early in the morning, is generally afflicted with the “stumbles,” and has played sad havoc with our stair-carpets. He says his physician states that the only cure for his com- | plaint is whiskey, and he strictly follows the doctor’s advice. I | am not happy because Aunt and Uncle are always “storming” | SOCIAL EVOLUTION. | at , i . ; Peed one another. Then I am tened, and Marta gets under Tramp (to benevolent but inquisitive Lady). ‘‘Wei., vou sez, Mum, ode tea inant on pay bey my Shy ue IT WERE LIKE THIS. I WERE A 'ADDICK SMOKER BY PROFESSION ; > - : ; - oo THEN I GOT ILL, AND 'AD TO GO TO THE ‘ORSPITAL ; THEN I sOLD governess says that Time will set all things right. I don’t quite |().,. \exr: avr some’ow OR OTHER I GOT INTO Low WATER!” | know what she means. Perhaps you will send Time to your _ litt i REE a ° te aa. ittle friend, ExurnTaupe Earwaker. (14,1) which gave this wretched people an existence. Yours Raspberry Mount, Lincolnshire, September 12, 1896. obediently, [ieee Memaen. Dear Srr,—What is the matter with tke old folks? They are Ostend, September 14, 1896. never at home. I remember when I was about five that I used | P.S.—I don’t give the name of our hotel for fear of conse- to come down to dessert every night. Now they have no dinners | quences.—Verb. sap. | at home. Pa and Ma are always feeding at the best West End - ili beca i fetnrata tn af hve te Le ne mpany 2 Sa the | , DE Pore addem you family, bern ke youre cate Be pussy. I am an up-to-date girl, and cannot stand this | ¢+s¢ in the Plesiophormous Class, and received a cordial shake ate of affairs much longer. Even the cat won’t go away, or | o¢ tn, right hand from Mr. Diceie. I can write shorthand, | Seem to enjoy themselves. They are always going to the Kursaal | hammering on leather. else this mouse would play. Yours truly, : rae Isle of Man Chambers, W. Gat. Tnonovonrin. | Play the, Plano, and cap dingnose the ineoriptiomt {am ance. Sir,—I am at Rodwell School during the best part of the year, | tain whether I shall educate myself to take up the position of a and I wish I were there now. My people have lugged me on to | Prime Minister or an engine driver. But in any case, my future the continent to satisfy their own selfishness. I like cricket and prospects will be hopelessly blighted unless I can do away with lawn tennis, but at this beastly hole there is neither one nor the | my social surroundings. There is a cobbler up our court, who other. I can’t get a decent glass of beer, and the noise of the | not only greets me with impertinent familiarity, but also dis- bands is enough to send a fellow crazy. But Father and Mother | turbs my studies in the Great, True, and Beatific by his incessant There is a milkman, who thrice a day | and “planking their ready” (you see I know a thing or two) | disturbs my meditations, and there is a vulgarian selling onions y y 4 | on this or that colour, or some parti icular number of which | and the like garbage, who confuses me with his asinine holloas for they never | together with minor offenders. Ought such things to be allowed ? | Mother has dreamt. I don’t call it fair to me * shove-halfpenny ”!T am young (fifteen last birthday); I am ambitious, but, alas! | Slve me a chance. I’d rather be Playing with James, our footman though he has always cleaned me out | I have a cultured ear, and I protest against this tyranny of the together with Turr the sexton, and old Jumsizs, who keeps the | old birds over the chicks. Yours ca 8 . T say “Blow Belgium and the battle of Water- Edison Court, W.C. HEOPHASTUS CHUMP.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Sepremper 26, 1896. rT TTL i a —- j COMOQOOVBOOOTOOO GOGO O OO CONF - vn wohl we rt ye «i ib UR aA . ‘we _—— fe The Dull DREADFULI Weather Gentleman. ¥Y suy! ** Nice GIRL THAT NEXT DOOR ALWAYS POPS IN WHEN I comE ovT.” BUT “THE SALLORMAN’S MENOO.,” By a Shell-back.) It’s mighty fine, yer talkin’, but you never done no trips In the bloomin’ leaky foc’sle of yer leaky, rotten ships ; | And though you gulls the public with a sham Menoo for us, | It isn’t printed lies as makes provisions worth a cuss ; And even silly emigrants will tell you straight and true | That the test of grub is grubbin’, not the advertised Menoo. (Toa Shipowner. I’m talkin’ now, not beggin’ for a chance to starve and work, In an undermanned old tanker with a skipper like a Turk ; With a cook as larnt’is cookin’ when ’e ’ad to cook or beg, Or go into an ’orspital to nurse a cranky leg ; And what I says I means it, and my words is plain and true, Which is more than any sailorman will say for yer Menoo. I'll allow that in the look of it, the print of it I mean, That all you say is sarved to us; but is it good or clean ? And wot’s wet ’ash, or porridge, or any other stuff, When at the very best of it there’s ’ardly ’arf enough ? Not even with the cockroaches that’s given with the stew, Though I notice they nor maggots wasn’t down in yer Menoo. There 's the tea and corfee talked of, but folks ashore ain’t told That the swine as bought it for you winked ’is eye at them as sold. For sailormen’s best Mocha was never further East | Than a bloomin’ Essex bean-field ; and the tea ain’t tea—at least | It’s on’y “ finest sweepin’s” from the docks, and wot a brew It makes when sarved in buckets to drink to yer Menoo! The pork and beef on paper, or a tin dish, makes a show, | But you'd want yer front teeth sharpened if you tackled it, my bo’! For os beef is still the ancient ’orse wot worked on Portland ier, And the — is rotten reasty, that was inwoiced twice too dear _ If they charged you ‘arf a thick ’un for the whack you gives the crew, | With the pickles and the butter set out fine in yer Menoo. _ I'd like to take you jossers, as thinks as sailormen | Is a grumblin’ lot of skulkers, just one trip and ’ome agen ; | The military has much studied the serpents, and he speaks of For when yer ’ands was achin’ with sea cuts to the bone, And the Baltic talked north-easters, you’d be alterin’ of yer tone, And mightn’t think wot’s wrote in print is necessary true, And per’aps when you was safe agen you ’d alter our Menoo. VILE DE WIGHT. Dear Mister,—The other day I go with my friend to a “eroquetparty.” I love much the sport, the tennis, the bicy- clette, but I know not to play the croquet. All of same, I go there. There is the hostess, a lady very gracious, but very solemn, of a in good point—embonpoint, how say you ?— very remarkable. I shali name her Missis “Jones.” There is a clergyman. Ah, the brave little clergyman! Of a vivacity, of of a verve so charming, almost young. He is not young; he has, perhaps, sixty years, but he runs, he skips, he is the sole— le seul—who has the air of to amuse himself. There is a mili- taire—a military—very ferocious, the visage red, the moustache grey, the eyebrows very thick. There is a doctor of the army in retreat. And there is some ladies. Eh well, my friend presents me to Missis Jonzs. I say to her, “He makes very fine to-day.” You see, Mister Punch, I know the mode of your country, I commence in speaking of the fine time. But she is distraite—distracted—and she responds not, but she presents me to the clergyman, to the military and to the doctor in retreat. Then we drink the tea, the “fiveoclok” in the salon. Ah, how itis gay! By hazard I seat myself between the military and the doctor. All .the two have been at the Indias. You know that in your Island of Wight all the world is military. Partout—by all—there is some generals, some colonels, some majors, some captains, and they are all in retreat, and they speak alldays—toujours—of the India and of the sport. Me I know not the India. Naturally my two neighbours talk of the India, of the serpents, of the sport, of the tigers. them, and of the savage beasts, with a frown of the eyebrows worthy of Tartarin. C’est étonnamment gai—astonishly gay. And all the time I regard at the other side of the salon the respectable curate—le respectable curé. His friends call him vicaire, but he has not of all the air of a vicaire. He is not enough young, he is not enough thin; he is all to fact old good man—tout-d-fait vieur bonhomme, how say you? Le voild—see there him—speaking to the ladies, so gay, so amiable, so ani- mated. I love to see him. The croquetparty suits well to the clergy, above all to those who are a little aged. Me who am lay and young I love it not. In fine we go to the garden. Then I play the croquet. Me, Avevustr, I play! Missis Jones invites me. I say that I regret infinitely that I know not to play. She says me that it is easy. I finish by to yield. I play with her. The military, who is major, and one of the ladies are our adversaries. In effect, Missis Jones plays very well, and the other lady also. The major plays not well, but he plays very severely, and he has the air of the president of a conseil de querre—that which you call a “court-martial ”—speaking to the accused. It seems to me as if I were the accused, and I am all timid when he frowns the eyebrows so terribly. For me I play not of all of all—du tout du tout. Missis Jones aids me with good counsels, but she has the air of a schoolmistress scolding a little boy, and she says me, “ Now hit my ball, if you can; ” and she regards me severely, and the major regards me severely, so that when I essay to hit my ball to me, I hit the turf, and then I hit the top | of my ball. and she goes I know not where, all far from the ball | of Missis Jones. Then this lady says, “That is not so bad.” | And one other time when I play to wrong and to traverse— 4 tort et a travers, how say you?—she says me, “That will do pretty well.” This irony renders me more unskilful. How- ever, Misses Jones “croquets” my ball, she goes through the hoops, she hits the stick, and, my faith, she arrives the first! The major essays long time to hit one of the sticks, but he can not. Each time that he misses, his figure—sa figure—be- comes more red, and the eyes gleam, and he has the air of to condemn the accused to be shot, and IT think to all the words | he would say if these ladies were not there. In fine I pity him, for to what good would a military say “Bother”? That is not enough, that is not nothing, that exclamation there, which is permitted in your country. F In fine we finish, and the major parts as soon as possible, with- | out any doubt for to say at him—chez lui—all that which he has not said. Me also I part, but before to go I give a shakehands to Missis Jones, and I say to her, “Enchanted,” and “A game of | the most agreeables,” and “Thousand thanks, dear Missis,” and | all the other phrases of the politeness. Agree, &c., AUGUSTE. |

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| | | | PUNCH, OR THE » * LIQUEUR OF THE “0° CHARTREUSE. This delicious Tacemt, which has come so much into public favour on account of its wonder- : ful propertiesof aiding Digestion ba and preventing Dyspepsia, can Rn» th ui the Kingdom. Sole Consignee, ¥. OTL #, 35, ( ratebed Friars, Landes, B.C. “ Wine and Spirit See Wine Carte CORDON HOTELS. Metropole, London. Sem. .-—-4 Victoria, rand, ist Avenue, Holborn. Royal Pier Hotel, Ryde, W., and the Riviera And of all first class caterers in the United Kingdom ‘ Superior Vintage i ines of Italy.” LONDON, E.C. “PASTEUR” (Chamberland) FI LTE R. “The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.” “A real preventative of water- borne disease.”’ » be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers, or from the Makers. uv. DEPRIES & SONS, & , Hounsvirca, Lenses, E.C. 2 A DELICIOUS SMOKE. MURRAY'S smoking MELLOW Mixture, (BELFAST.) OLD RIPE TOBACCO. 30 Years’ Reputation as a Genuine Tobacco of the Highest Quality. Berrisn Mepicat Journat. Lancer. SUCHARD’S COCOA. Nature’s Choicest. now be had of all rit Merchants | | BEST FOOD = (NFANT . & H. HARRIS’S EBONITE BLACK IN G aTeeraoor). For Boots, Shoes, Harness, and al) Hlack Leather articles. POLISHING PASTE. For Cleaning Meals and Glass. Manufactory : LONDON, E. -SAVORY ano MOOR THE BOYAL NURSERIES. Tins, ls., HIERATICA Nore Paper, 5 Quires, 1s, Court Envelopes, ls. per 100. Thin, for Foreign Correspondence, 5 Quires, 1s. Mourning Note, 5 Quires, ls. 6¢. Mourning Envelopes, 1s. 6d. per 100. Of all Stationers, or send stamps to Hicratica Works, 68, Upper Thames Street, London, 2., Ss., and 108., everywhere, MACNIVEN & CAMERON'S PENS A REAL ‘SEA BATH in your TIDMAN’ 8 SEA SALT, PATRONISED sy trax ROYAL FAMILY. BEST REMEDY for RHEUMATISM, WEAKNESS, TENDER FEET, &e. FINEST STRENGTHENER and TONIC for All, Young and Old, MAY be USED at any AGREEABLE TEMPERATURE. To avoid Worthless and Injurious Substi- tutes ask for TLDMAN’S SEA SALT. ‘TIDMAN’ 8 PURE TOILET | SOAPS. In TABLETS ONLY, GUARANTEED ALL PURE BOAP. May be Safely Used by the Mo-t Delicate and Sensitive. Also in SHAVING, for the BATH, and in all ERUPTIONS of the SKIN To avoid Inferior Imitations ask for TIDMAN’ 8 TOIL ET _BOAP. ‘They come as & boon and a blessing to mon, The Pickwick, , the Owl, and the Waverley Pen.” THE FLYING J PEN. SE 6d. and is r Box at all Stationers. Sample lox ls. Id. by post Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. PACKHAM'’S TABLE WATERS ARE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER. Manufactory, Croydon “Beautifully Cool and anes cipsangagel LONDON CHARIVARI. — SEPTEMBER 26, 1896. —— ———_ 7 Martell’s SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lro., AT THEIN BONDED WORKKS, LIVERPOO! And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad PERFECTLY SIMPLR. SIMPLY PERFECT Pocket Kodak A dainty | ttle camera, weighing Can be slipped uito the por Mahe» pt 69 * 2 ined Loaded in daylight — » Necessary ket tures "tty, ake Lee Packets and and 8-ounce. and 1-Ib. Tins, | in Fine Smoking ‘ Ask at all Tobac 0 | no other NOTTINGHAM CASTLE,” on every Packet and Tin. 2, 4, oucdition. Sold only in l-on which keep the Tobacco Sellers, Stores. &c.. and take nce The genuine bears the Tr ule Mark, “ PLAYER'S NAVY GUT CIGARETTES, In Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 60, and 100, Achromatic lens, «ith thre Improved rotary shu'ter alwa Instantaneous exposur View f Complete with roll of flim for 12 exposures, £1 1s. EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd. 418-807 Oxford St., Write for de FE ns WRIGHT 5 = SOP London, W criptive pamphiet 5 sanw*

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BLACKWELL'S FRESH FRUIT JAMS AND JELLIES, In White Pots and Glass Jars, ARE MADE FROM SELECTED FRESH FRUITS AND | REFINED SUGAR. Sold by Grocers and Stores throughout the World. : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIV ARI CROSSE & — SEPTEMBER 26, 1896. DU BARRY’S REVALENTA FOOD Cures All disorders of the Stomach and Bowels, the Blood, the | Nerves, Lungs, Liver, Brain, Voice, and Breath—such as Constipation, Dyspepsia, Indigestion, Consumption, Diar- | rhea, Dysentery, Influenza, Grippe, Acidity, Heartburn, | Phlegm, Flatulency, Feverish Breath, Nervous, Bilious, | Pulmonary, Glandular, Kidney and Jiver Complaints, | Debility, Cough, Asthma, all Fevers, Spasms, Impurities | and Poverty of the Blood, Ague; Rheumatism, Gout ; | Nausea and Vomiting, and at Sea; Eruptions, Sleepless- ness, Atrophy, Wasting in Adults and Children. 50 years’ | invariable success with old and young, even in the most | 100,000 anaual cures. hopeless cases. PRICES.—_DU BARRY’S REVALENTA ARABICA suitably packed for all | climates. In Tins of } Ib. at 2s.; 1 Ib., 3s. 6d.; 21b., 6s.; 6 Ib., 149.; 12 Ib., 32¢.; | 24 Ib., 60s.; or about 2d. per meal. All Tins carriage free at home and in France. | Also | DU BARRY’S TONIC REVALENTA BISCUITS ensure sleep and nervous energy to the most restless and enfeebled. In Tins, 1 Ib., 3s. 6d.; 2 Ib., 6. DU | BARRY AND CO. (Limited), 77, Regent Street, London, W.; 14, Rue de | Castiglione, Paris; 59, Rue du Rhéne, Geneva; and of all Grocers and Chemists in every part of the world LEA & PERRINS SAUCE has been known for more than | FIFTY YEARS | ALL OVER THE WORLD. | ASK FOR ‘LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE, And obser ve that the Signature is now printed || across the QUTSIDE WRAPPER of every Bottle. Sold Wholesale BLACEWELL, Ld., London; and Export Oilmen generally. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. | WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. in Blue Ink diagonally | by the Proprietors, Worcester; CROSSE & FINEST MEAT FLAVOURING Liebig THE BEST -Company’s Extract of Beef. WORLD-KNOWN | “ STOCK FOR SOUPS. Printed be ieioee Snes ata, of No. ’ bard Street, in the Precinct of Whitetriars, to the in the _ Oey Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Mesers. Hradbury, ww, & Uo., Limited, “London, and published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London. —Sarvanct, heptember 38, 1508. | —\ co xs =o EVERY SATURDAY. PUBLISHED

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CRAND HOTEL, LONDON. THE HOTEL METROPOLE HOTEL METRO | smicnTon sraetim=. GORDON HOTELS Sesez ——$——_— case be returned, eption Willi in no Iption ures Of any descr is rule there will be no exc th 40 Pict TT Jrawings. or r er. L ope, Cover, or Wrapper S : tai 1s ah a Oy y my “ Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. EVERY SATURDAY. \ H hae (My \ ast ~ ag 4 i (I > : f wt gs ae Mh v PP tee > " > i 0 | W IZ | 7) 4 Q = | a o7 ‘ ‘] r 4 ge SCTE a me a jonre mai 8h SE SST wa > VRPT MALTS. 6 es Cy TEES MKS } oye: Ma) PRICE THREE PENCE. eee Rejected Communications or even when accompani not > Z we / i ‘A iv i, , § iN > LN RY | Wil NE DS wha Ge ‘i NL S) i Dy |) Wl I Sy } | } | w PORN A OS a em. ‘hillaen™” WE. *i, Say = PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LH) LONDON. Se NOTICE -JCHOCOLAT MENIER oa

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MRS. HUMPHRY WARD'S NEW NOVEL. At all Booksellers and Libraries. Crown vo, ¢ giz GEORGE TRESSADY. "y Mrs. Heurwar Wann, Author of “ Robert Kiemere,” “ The History of David Grieve,” “ Mar evlia, London : SMITH ELDER, OO , 16, Waterloo Place MISS BRADDON’S NEW NOVEL. In One Volume. Price 6 LONDON PRIDE. A Novel by the Author of “ Lady Autiey's secret, Vinen,”’ & London: SIMPKIN & OO., Ltd, and all Booksellers CHATTO & WINDUS’S NEW BOOKS. | SIR WALTER HKESANT® NEW NOVEL, THE CITY OF REFUGE, is i= ready, in 3 Vols, atall Li MKS. LYNN LINTON 'S NEW NOVEL, DULciE EVERTON, is now ready, in 2 Vols very Clreulating Library J#RRY T THE DREAMER. Sonas OF TRAVEL. By kownut wn Svo, eb eth, Be. id Louis Srevexsow. Crown Svo, buckram, 5s * Bacept his‘ Songs for Children, I know of no ork of Stevenson's that m sre endear him to his pe ben rs than this del) agp volume.’ —Jaues Pare ia licoeraaten Lon von we pe.} RUMSEY’ 8 PATIENT. By LT Cucrroap Hatiras, M.D cloth Cy *Mre. Meade handles her materials with her eitnial skill, and constructs an eminently readable story Those who like an exciting tery of incident ant mystery will find one in this DEviL’ § FORD ; A MILLION- EB OF AND READY; SNOW- BOUND ar EAG cs By Baer Haare. With Yr atiepiece by W. H Oveaexn. Crown Oyo, 4s. td yg 4d MASTERS. By B. M. Ca a, bw mes" Pretty Miss Neville,” & 4 Crowe 8¥0 ye BI ety « jf eeeocten thet coring Up on every ‘other age of ‘Two Masters would of themselves make Mrs. Uroker’s book an entertaining romance ; but she has also a story to tell of crime =¥ myetery that makes her book doubly delight ine Laapee [THE ‘PROFESSOR’S EXPERI- MENT. Ky Mr. Huwernrons, Author of “ The Three Graces Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s 6d “ Keyond all doubt or question ome of the most —— uland most wholrsome books of the year.” — it Te soaarn YOUNG LOCHINVAR. By J.E. Cre owe ove. aleth. fe | lets A TRAMP ABROAD. By Maxx Twa ge Edition. With 514 Iilus trations Crown vo, cl th, Se. (Bho ortly CURLY: AN ACTOR'S 8° 8 STORY. By Jouw Covema With 2) Iustrations by 3.0. Dotcmans, Cro wn ove, le Lond rT ag © fa a WInee a, 0 amp ii ‘ ” La We STALE TOBACCO, Condy’s Fluid instantly removes all Taste and Odour from Mouth and Breath, and prevents sore lips and tongue which often cause Cancer. Use CONDY’S FLUID As a Mouth-wash, Read in with the Bottle, ; “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-PAMED BLOOD MIXTURE Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities, from whatever cause arising. For Serofula, Scurvy, Eczema, Bad Skin and Blood Dixeases, Pimples Sores of all kinds its effects are mar- |vellous. It is the only real specific for Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes the cause from the blood and bones. Thousands of wonderful cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2s. 9d. and 11s. each, of Chemists everywhere. BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. By | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ~ CHARIVARI.—Ocroser 3, “KPENTA” THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER | Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices: 6d., 1s., and 1s. 3d. per bottle. Sole Importers: THE APOLLINARIS CO., Lro., LONDON. |SOLID SILVER The Finest Stock in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, Show Rooms: {]2, REGENT sT.W. (Ansorn ine pa Merman Courant.) Are out of the question when tortured and disfigured with Eczema and other itching, burning, and irritating = and seal» diseases. A Si - a cation of the CUTICUR DIES will afford instant shel poe rest and sleep, and point to a speedy, p rmanent cure. Bold through cat the world Foar. ; Resowverr, 2/3 F. NEWSER : ‘son 1 King Award Btr-et, London, E. Llhow to Case Bray Guin Dassen,” free PLATE. “HEAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING sem Tou MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE'S PLATE. (Heep.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” Registered Trade Mark “§. 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Mellin’s Food is Milk chemically similar to Breast and as beneficial physiologically. Samples post free from WELLIVS FOOD WORKS, STAFFORD STREET, PECKHAM, S.E. Exquisite Models. Perfect Fit. Guarazteed Wea. | ‘Yall PATENT DIAGONAL | SEAM CORSETS. | Will not split in the Seams nor tear in the Fabric. ‘The most comfortable ever made.” Lanr's | Made in White, Black, asé ell the fashionabie Coloun and Shades, or Italian Cloth Satin, and Coutil, 4/11, 54. 6, oa pair, and up id by tnd Ladin | Drapers an re) Outfitters in the Ur 48. Kingdom and colonics ACTION 32 CAL. POCKET REVOLVER with ejector and solid frame, is the _ and best pocket revolver made. su persed: esal others rice list free LTS FIREARMS CO. 26, Glasshouse Street, Piccadilly Circus, London, ROWLANDS’ MACASSAR OIL Preserves, Beautifies, Strengthens the Har. also in Golden Colour, 3a. 6d., Ts., 10s. 6 ROWLANDS' | ODONTO The Best and Safest Dentifrice: 2. %., of Chemists and Perfu Bend Postal Order wo A. 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OcroseR 3, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MANNERS AND CUSTOMS FOR THE YOUNG. (By a Past Master of the Ceremonies.) So much has been written recently of the faulty deportment of our children that it may be well to formulate a few simple rules for the guidance of those of them who would wish to pass for boys and girls of elegance and bon ton. According] , I jot down a suggestion or two for their consideration in con- nection. Invariably be courteous to visitors to your parents’ house. If they bring hats and umbrellas, or parasols, immediately carry them away. That the articles may be in safe keeping entrust them to the care of the nearest pl taker, who will give you a card and some money as a guarantee of —_ faith, but, as they say in the newspapers, not necessarily for publication. Booby traps are entirely out of fashion, so if you wish to amuse your friends within your father’s mansion, spread pebbles between their sheets and blankets, and cover their pillows with pepper. Nothing is pleasanter to a humorist than a tribute of laughter. Remembering this when a young lady or gentleman, rather proud of her or his voice, attempts to sing a sentimental song, indulge in fits of uproarious merriment. The old always value the attentions of the young. So when you see an octogenarian on the point of seating himself comfort- ably in an arm-chair, be careful to retreat the article of furni- ture in question a few inches, that the veteran may come unex- pected to the ground. This will arouse the elderly gentleman, and induce him to address you with an earnestness entirely | beyond his years. As it is not now considered good form to ask for a tip, you had better take what you want from the rich when their attention is | fixed on some object other than their purses. Although it is distinctly rude to smash the hats left by visitors | in the hall, there is no particular harm in filling the pockets of | the overcoats of the same owners with candle ends, marmalade, and (when procurable) cold pea-soup. Personal cleanliness is of the utmost importance in elegant society, so never neglect to wash your hands at least once a week, and brush your hair even more frequently. It is extremely rude to interrupt a senior when he is telling an anecdote to an interested audience of his equals. So should you particularly wish to communicate with him without stopping the flow of his conversation, you should tap him smartly on the head with a soup ladle. Finally, your first duty is to your father and mother. Bearing this in mind, should you obtain, through intimidation or some other ey effectual means, a sum of money from your friends, relatives and acquaintances, you should be sure to hand over an appropriate percentage of your earnings to your parents. ‘*The Sayings of Children.” Mamma. To-morrow will be daddy’s birthday. Chrissie (aged five, with a vague notion of Christmas Day). Then, I s’pose, the shops will be closed, mummy, and we shall have to go to church, and make a collection for dad! THE TERRORISM OF TOUTS. _ Dean Mr. Puncu,—I quite agree with the great Naro.ron in his statement that we are a nation of shop-keepers, but I do wish that we could sometimes repress our commercial instincts. | I am in business myself, and know what competition means, but I confess that when I take my holiday at the seaside I do not like to be made a sort of prize in a handicap of tradesmen. This year I have hired a villa at that delightful watering-place, Silver- sands, but I almost wish that I never done so. Why? you will naturally inquire. Well, Sir, long before I left London | with my family—I suppose I have to thank the local house- agent for this—I was bombarded with letters from the grocers, butchers, bakers, milkmen, wine merchants, and oilshop keepers of Silversands, imploring my esteemed custom. Some of them even sent samples of their wares with delicately-worded missives, begging me to accept these tokens of gratitude for favours to Two or three took the trouble and expense of travelling rsonally, and one of them being was out, for a distant cousin of Another was come. to London to interview me mistaken by my wife, while the same name, was actually bidden to dinner. seen by oon girl making love to our cook in the area, and | a third, I have since discovered, captured GreENskaL, the butler, and treated him to a ‘dinner at the Criterion, and a stall at the play afterwards. But all this skirmishing was nothing to the pitched battle which ensued on our leaving town to take up our new quarters. I dare say, Sir, you are aware that the through carriages from London to Silversands are shunted at Picklock Junction, some twenty miles distant from the coast. I had en- gaged a saloon carriage for ourselves, and of course our privacy was respected on the way down, but at Picklock two gentleman- | like young fellows came to the door and politely asked, as the train was very full, if I would allow them to come in. Being no churl I at once said “Yes, by all means.” They were ready conversationalists, and begun u such topics as the South African War and the length of ihe tenet reign. Presently, however, they turned the current of talk on to the state of trade, a matter which of course interested me greatly. at Silversands the visitor had to beware of unscrupulous and designing persons, who would foist the most inferior goods on him at most exorbitant prices. ‘Knowing, therefore,” said the elder of the two, “that you have taken Cockleshell Cottage They warmed to the subject, and observed that even | for the season, we have ventured to bring you a list of tradesmen | With that he handed me a on whom you may implicitly rely.” “And who are you, gentle- paper as long as a lawyer’s bill. men?” I inquired. “We are,” replied the spokesman, “the | president and secretary of the Silversands Protection Society, | and we ask you not to forget to place yourself in our hands.” The train was just stopping for tickets at Mudlook, so with the most courteous bows they disappeared, leaving us in a state of | extreme surprise. But on arrival at Silversands Station we were still more astonished, being literally taken prisoners Half | a dozen stalwarts formed a ring round me, and, with stage chorus | effect, forced price lists into my pockets; as many more got hold of my wife, and implored her patronage, my children were | held at ransom, while my servants were beleaguered by a score or more of suppliants. The railway porters looked on and grinned No doubt they were accustomed to similar scenes. It was quite half an hour before we could tear ourselves | from their clutches, and even then some of the nimble footed knaves pursued our flys, keeping up a fire of circular ammunition. “Thank goodness!” I cried, fervently, as the vehicles stopped at the gate of Cockleshell Cottage. “ We have escaped!” Scarcely were the words out of my mouth, when two determined individuals jumped out from behind a laurestinus hedge, nearly frightening my wife into a fit, a third broke ambush from a rose clump, another was lurking behind the honey-suckle of the verandah, four blocked the front door, and six the back entrance, while two had managed, somehow or another, to get into the kitchen. All of them, like playgoing deadheads, clamoured for “orders.” The confusion was dread- ful, the din appalling, and the luggage could scarcely be brought into the house. I laagered my family in the dining-room, and, with the aid of Greensea, the footman and the groom managed, after severe fighting, to clear the premises, but not before the hall and kitchen floors were littered “with paper enough,” as the cook remarked, “to light the fires for weeks to come.” For ten days the attacks were renewed, to no purpose. I get all my stores and provisions from London, and have even bought a cow. I am not a mean fellow, only a resentful citizen not popu- lar in Silversands, but your obedient servant, Tuomas THREADNEEDLE.

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- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI VARL [Ocroper 3, 1896. ALLAWO hd = Buggqles (furious). MADE AWA’ wi’ iT!” Macdonald, ‘It's Nae THE Dooare’s FAUT, Sir. MOST EXASPERATING. HE WAS JUST ASHAMED TO BRING (After numerous misses, Mr. Buggles manages to knock a Bird over at very close quarters, which the Retriever finds and promptly eats.) ‘“WHAT IS THE USE OF MY SHOOTING GAME IF YouR BEASTLY Dog EATs IT?” THE PUIR MUTILATED BIRDIE. So HE HAS SPORTIVE SONGS. A Bashelor to his Fire. My study fire is now alight— The first time sinoe the Spring— It seems to make the scene more bright, The kettle e’en must sing ; And gazing on this mass of coal I feel old merriment of soul. There in that cinder I car trace The lines of him who drest So scrupulously up to grace That he forgot his vest, And perished with a figure trim, Mid winter frosts, that finished him. And there again that ardent flame Reminds me of the heart That you declared was still the same Until we had to part. You wrote that you dead ” But wedded someone else instead. would A lasy lump that will not burn | Is meant perchance for me, | A rolling stone, too prone to turn, Neglecting £ s. d. | In vain I hammer it, irate, | It is not coal, but only slate. Yet still I’m glad, e’en when I note That coffin in the fire, For Fate hath surely someone smote Who dared to rouse my ire. A wicked thought! Well, let him die! The world is wicked, so am I I cannot understand the craze Of those who Southward fly Where pigmy palms raise Reproachful to the sky, Forgetful that they’re grown to show That icy wind condones the snow. “soon be their span-leaves | Blaze on, good coals, within the grate, Let harmony be seen! You only can regenerate The thoughts of what have been. A knock! A bill for fuel! Jane, Tell that. good man to call again! WHAT IS A (NEW) WOMAN LIKE? To the Old —but Anonymous—Air, ‘‘ What isa Woman Like? A New Woman is like to—but stay! What New Woman is like, who can say ? There is no living with or without one! She ’s just like a fly To the ear, to the eye, Buzz, buzz, always buzzing about one! Untender, unkind, She is like, to my mind, (Woman was not so once, I remember,) She ’s like to—O dear! She ’s as bad, far or near, Asa popecrey fog in November! If she chaff, and she chat, Write, bike, and all that, And with “bags” and male manners she meet me, She ’s like a queer dish, Neither flesh, fowl, nor fish, That cries—like Cockaigne pigs—come eat me ! But she ’ll shock you, and vex you, Disgust and perplex you. Immodestly ranging, Continually changing, What then do you think she is like ? Like aman? Like a shock? On a wheel, with a frock Only fit for a shrew on a “ bike.” Her head’s like the islands bards tell on, Which flowers, fruits, and feathers all dwell on Her hearts like a hard lemon-ice, As cold and as acid—so nice! In truth she’s to me Like an east wind at sea, That’s good and that’s pleasant to no man ; Like a chill, like a pill, Like a flail for the male, Missing link (in a kink) Betwixt a fast girl and a slow man! Like a bower void of flower, Content without scent Like a shrike on a bike, Like a fly in one’s eye, A boy without joy, A girl out of curl, A chap with no sap, A man out of plan, A tree without leaf, Bud, or blossom—in brief, ’s like most things on earth She but a Sportinc Mem.—Quarrel is now first favourite for the Cambridgeshire. Let us hope, however, that there will be no difference over the settlement. THe Heicur or Possrpmiry. — Mr. GLADSTONE receiving the Suttan at Ha- warden

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Ocroser 3, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

| , <n e

—————_— — —

A RECOMMENDATION. Mrs, Cogie, ‘‘ AY, THAT ’8 THE NEW Doctor, Mem; AN’ I’M SURE IT WAD BE AN AWFU’ KINDNESS IF YE GIED KIM A BIT TRIAL. HE HAD A HEAP ©’ PATIENTS WHEN HE CAM’ FIRST, BUT NOO THEY 'RE A’ DEID.”

ORTIC S T Int. A POETIC SOLILOQU Y. Hullo, what’s this I see ? On reading the morning paper, September 23. Great goodness, can it be ? wage L Here, what in thunder do the people Might give a modern Homun a great Yes, on this Day of Days Is Pyro loyal ode Of thick” the blind old singer did not | As fe Bg ancy Age a. — Among the “ads” bestowed, dream. i het aul es a a of the £-m-s,| An insult both to me and to the Qt EEN ’ | “Microbes and Man I sing!” Vinait to- | The D-ly N 72 eye They ’ve gone and printed smal! y ses San y — } _™ S lee My purple patches all, Might warble—save that epics do not pay * AID? i dit pros} A haf, rhymes. About Himdla, Kishna, ghaut and shroff; | Later Lucretius, without apology, ~ 8 rig tation ’ i rieeaaat With carpets and bovril : Might find fit subject in Bacteriology. No | Ae gy ye : : They ’ve ranked my Muse’s skill But heroes new do not come off in thal No other bard has weighed in with a To-day ’s for me a Day of D’s enough! form, The + on — — Their epics are recited on pg mom Nag ’ — ( » frogs an | And even K-Pi-na’s dumb, ‘THE BATTLE OF THE BACTERIA Re —— And M-rr-s ditto—well, it might be Subject for a Modern Epic, suggested by Presi-| Lister finds theme scarce smaller or less worse! | dent Sir Joseph Lister's Address at the British nice i. | Association.) In Microbes versus Phagocytes! Sounds I speedily peruse List, list, oh, list!—to geod Sir Jossrn skittish ? The page of foreign news, Lister ! Well, the association surnamed British And skim the agony column in a trice ; Science is sure Humanity’s kindest sister,|Is not a larkish thing, but high and The hatches and the matches, A sister like a good nurse, patient, placid, | solemn, Likewise the day’s despatches But inexhaustible. Carbolic acid | Whose high “ proceedings” fill the great | I glance at—all seems very neat and nice! | As subject for the Muse, seems scarce | Times’ column, I read about the Czar, poetic ; | Where, if you want an intellectual twister, And think of many a par But the great surgeon, sage and sympa-| Read the Address of good Sir Jossru I penned about his crowning-show in thetic, LisTER, June ; Makes antiseptics’ history most romantic. | Whose “septic” nous has banished an- Then, coming nearer home, The microscopic microbe’s lethal antic, cient errors, I wonder where that pome The friendly phagocyte’s protective fight, | And robbed the surgeon’s steel of half its Of mine is, for this day se opportune. In our poor body’s battlefield, out of sight, terrors.

Save of Sir Joseru and his brethren sage, Who watch the mimic warfare which they |

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160 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 3, 1896. POETRY FOR POLITICAL CHLLDREN. A droll of bit Doggerel brought up to Date.) Tuere was a clever earl, who had a twirly curl, Which hung down the middle of his forehead, And some thought his policy was very, very good, And some thought his policy was horrid. He “stood on his head” on the hustings, he once said, And nobody his high career could hinder ; Though some squealed and some squalled, and some yelled and some bawled, And shied their little stones agin his winder. But alas! (as Batrour said,) that clever earl is dead, And his foes have been—comparatively—silent. But now they ’re popping up, every tyke, and cur, and pup, And a-pitching into him extremely vilent. And Punch, who of old made considerably bold To criticise that earl, whilst he was living, Thinks it very far from right to keep up mere sputtery spite, When the time has come for praising and forgiving. He’s aweary of the noise of those “little vulgar boys,” Each brain like an empty attic, Who against Earl Beaxy blare, and he’ll catch them unaware, And spank them—most emphatic! RESTORATION OF KING CYMBELINE. HearTiLy, nay uproariously, were welcomed Miss ELLEN Terry and Sir Henry Irvine (announced in the bills as “Henry Irvine” tout simple without “Mr.” or “Sir”) when, as Imogen and Iachimo respectively, they walked on to the Lyceum stage, September 22, memorable for the first repre- sentation at this theatre of a certain Shakspearian play called Cymbeline. “ Cymbeline condensed,” of course, was the mixture presented most suited to the public taste, as “ Cymbeline entire” would have been too much for the friendliest audience. The talkative lords and gentlemen of the old play were cut out | or cut down, and for those characters who survived the opera- tion, it sufficed that they “ looked a ” to admiration. Miss Evten Terry was simply charming as Imogen; perfectly natural, which is the same as saying “genuinely artistic.” So thoroughly did she identify herself with the modest, virtuous, 033% .. Interior of the Chest, as seen by the aid of the Réntgen Rays. Awkward position of Sir H-nry Irv-ng when, as Iachimo, the lid is closed and he is suffering from pains in the chest. nena to tebculy Imogen, that, when roused from her sleep | by the plaudits of the audience, after the Bed-room Scene, | when from her arm wicked Iachimo has stolen her bracelet, Miss Ex.en shyly refused to face the house, but hid her face with her hands as, in her snow-white robe de nuit, she stood | by the friendly bedpost as if shrinking from the boldly-expressed admiration of a thousand Jachimos in the stalls, boxes, and gallery. Her every action was in itself quite in keeping with | the romantic ideal of the poetic dramatist. An ENRY | blasé man of the classic world, how excellent! | and lay concealed in his own chest! ! Not as a mere vain beau séducteur, not as a gay Don Juan, but as one who “knows the ropes,” and who believes in nothing and in nobody —except bienself. Crowded was the house, only one box vacant, and into that, Jackimo in the Boximo. Physical Exercise. Iachimo opens his chest and strikes an attitude. on the am, Henry Irvine went. It was his own private box, kept by Mr. Lovepay and Mr. Bram Sroxer solely and only for Sir Hznry’s use: and made to hold one, not more, and that not quite comfortably. What did Jacki do with his legs? If he doubled himself up, then out of that box should have come two IJachimos, or Iachimi! If ever actor “doubled a part” that actor was Henry Irvine, as Jackimo, when he “doubled himself” (so he did in the Corsican Brothers and the Courier of Lyons) up, Marvellous legs! Won- derful feat ! Then his fight with brave Frank Posthwmus Cooper, who floored but spared him! apparently sudden conversion of Jachimo, when he confesses | everything, makes amends, and is so profoundly contrite as to excite our pity, and awaken in all the hope that he will for the Again, what more wonderful than the | remainder of his life be a good boy, never indulge in betting, | and, it may be, marry and live happy, but henpecked, ever afterwards. Mr. Frep Rosinson as hearty rough-and-ready Belarius, a | “banished lord,” calling himself “Morgan” (which he was per- | fectly at liberty to do), and his two “supposed” sons, Mr. B. Wesster and Mr. Gorpon Craia, who were not wise enough to know their own father, were, all three, immediately on the best terms with the audience, who recognised Bill Arius | as an old friend and stager in spite of all his disguise. There is a grand stage-fight, so realistic that had it not been for the chiefs, Belarius & Co. appearing triumphantly at the back, in a merennnans tableau, it would have been difficult for an un- | 1 military audience to decide which party was victorious. Miss Genevieve Warp, as the wicked Lady Macbethlike queen, and Mr. Norman Forses, as her brainless, conceited, quarrelsome son Cloten, were both uncommonly good in two The play is in five acts, set to appropriate music by Mr. Hamitton CiarKE, while the scenery, by Messrs. AWES Craven and Harker, shows some such perfectly perspectived interiors as the artists themselves will find it difficult to excel. In the bill it is announced by the manager, rather “dropping into rhyme” for the occasion, that “* Mister L. Atma-Tapema, R.A., Has kindly acted as adviser In production of the play.” | not uncommonly good parts. Irvine, as Iachimo, or Jackimo, the cool, wicked, cynical | In this instance “R.A.” stands for “Roman Adviser,” Mr.

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OcroseR 3, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Atma-Tapema being an unimpeachable authority in the matter of classic costumes. Everybody was pleased with his work, though we doubt whether ancient Britons were quite such gorgeous swells, in silks, satins, and gold, as are the Cymbel- inians; but, if Auma-TapemMa is ple , then Box and Cox are Miss Imogen Terry (seeing Bill’ Arry Oos). Is it Mr. Fred Robinson Crusoe ? O Mr. Robinson Crusoe, Why do you look at my trews so? My name is Norval—no, I mean Fidele. British Bill’ Arry Oos Robinson Crusoe (heartily). Fidele-de-dee! Avast, my hearty! Cave canem! There’s the Cave (L.H.), and there ’s the Canem. ( wiaiag to hound just off w.u.) And now no more words, I believe you, my boy! satisfied. It is no doubt due to the eminent Royal Acade- mician’s accuracy that the deer-hounds of the first century, in which the play is cast, when brought on by (Guiderius, are carefully muzzled in order to comply with the police regulation: of the present year of grace. The forethought was admirable How awkward if, in Scene 1, Act IV., a constable, say A.1 from Bow Street, close at hand, should have stepped on th« stage and taken both dogs into custody! |Next day we should have read how Belarius & Co. had been let off with a small fine in consequence of its being their first offence. However, the muzzles were there, and the contretemps avoided. Cymbeline must be in for a run of good luck, thoroughly deserved by Sir Henry, and by all concerned with him, in this his latest Shakspearian revival. “HAVE I DONE WELL?” states that the QuEEN, on being reminded that she had reigned longer than any of her predecessors, asked ‘* Have I done well?” } “Have I done well?” Most gracious Queen, Look on the record of your Fite ; Think of What is, What might have been. Empress Peace, mid constant strife! “Have I done well?” O! rless She, Why thus your endless fame ? When other beacons may not be There still will burn your deathless name! [The erving At a Progressive Meeting. First Old Woman. It’s marvellous to me, ladies, how Burks, with all his up-to-date ideas, could have devoted so much time to the compilation of the Second Old Woman. Yes of the ladies! but be never got at the proper ages [Enthusiastic cheers. BRIGHTON, A Monsiewr Punch, Dear Mister,—At the fine of my little voyage in England I arrest es here. One has often spoken me of Brighton, the english Nice, the town of sunshine. Therefore, in quitting the Island of Wight, I make a little détour, and I visit Brighton in road from Portsmout to London. After to have voyaged in a train astonishly slow, I arrive to Brighton the evening, | go direct to the hotel, I dine about the nine of clock, I smoke a cigar, and I couch myself. My bedroom gives on the garden, and is very tranquil. The morning I get myself up of good hour, and I go out to respire the air from the sea. It seems to me that makes some wind, which I had not remarked in my room so well sheltered, and I see the paving is wetted. open my um- brella, and I descend from the perron. Oh, la, la! At that instant there I encounter a wind, a tempest—ah but, a veri- table cyclone |—my hat flies himself away, my mackintosch cape of Inverness raises herself all around of my head, I am thrown against the balustrade of the hotel, and I see not where I am. I hold strongly my umbrella, for an instant he struggles violently, and then the frame and the silk leap into the air, emportés—how say —-2 the wind, and I hold but the stick. As soon as possible I re-enter, and then I find all that so amusing that I laugh—nom d’une pipe, je me pame de rire !— and the spectators laugh also, and we are all very gay. Better worth to laugh than to wee But all of same I lose a good umbrella, As to the hat, a brave coacher, of what you call a “fly,” entraps him—attraper, how say you? But he is so much hurt that he resembles to the old hat of the coacher him- self, and I give him to this last, with a piece of six pennys in addition. This arrives a certain saturday. Figure to Punch, that he rains without cease all the day and all the night, and still all the sunday until the evening! And not only some rain, but some wind—a tempest, a burri- cane, a cyclone! After my little promenade of the morning, when I lose my umbrella, I go not out the saturday. From the windows of the coffee-room and of the tea-room I ard the sea, extremely agitated, the horizon veiled by sombre and heavy clouds, the sky entirely grey. I see also the promenade, deserted, of grey asphalte, wet and shining, and the jetée, the ourself, Mister Nice, but she is enough ugly all of same. Eh well, the sunday he falls still of the rain! O’est assom- mant! And one has said me that the sunday is less sad at Brighton than in the other parts of your country. T'riste/ Ah, mon Dieu! In fine, after the lunch, I am resolved to see the town. I go to see the boulevards, the gardens, the palace of the King Groner, and I make to come a “fly.” Ciel, quelle voiture! She is entirely closed, like a carriage of a convoi funebre, a funereal convoy, and one sees nothing if one has not the head penchée—how say you?—by the door. The coacher conducts me all the long of the deserted promenade, where the wind is terrible, and then we see the selegh, Oh. ta, la ! Un palais de carton! Un décor d’opéra-bouffe! A decoration of After this we traverse some miserable little streets, of houses so ugly and so mesquines—how say you?—that I arrest the coacher and I say him, “Go to the boulevards, the grand and large streets.” He responds there is not of them. II n’y en a pas? What says he after? “In Hove.” Qu’est-ce que cest que gaf Ah, une autre ville! And we traverse again more of miserable streets—my faith, so ugly!—until I arrest him of new and demand, “Where, then, is this Hove?” “Here, maounsiah,” says he. “But,” I respond, “how that? It is here Brighton.” “No, maounsiah,” says he, “thissirs Hove, thatthairs Brighton, all one town.” n he continues, and subitement we arrive to some streets so enormously wide that in this rain one sees hardly from one side to the other. Some ones are ee as men Fe long. And yd > absolutely deserted, and the grass ins to grow at the side. A la bonne heure! C'est assez! I return in the “fly” to the hotel by a tem of wind and of rain, passing the “ Ouestpir, where I read the affix, “Band now playing,” but I go there not. Que faire? Nous verrons. Agree, > Avousts. Loyat anp Trvuz.—* A of the recent downpours,” quoth Mr. Jonw But, “the only continuous rain of which I heartily approve is the beneficent reign of good Queen Victoria. ear! hear! from everywhere. “Questpir,” also deserted. She is not so ugly as the jetée of | buffoon opera. The sole thing amusing in all the town so sad! |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL:' [Ocroper 3, 1896. FOR LADIES oe ‘Reserved Carriaces,” (See “Day by Day” ‘If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in soediien & in the pe Maeeeay carriages. officials allow men to jump into them at, the last moment before the train starts, with a a mutual wink at each other and a very objectionable grin.’ "Nevertheless, I like He wears the best frock coats that I have ever seen ; he is not rough in his treatment of the uninvited, and, from what I hear, he can throw a fly as well as the late Jonn Baricur. i i Frasgr, and I beg to thank him in your columns for the privilege, which he has 1 not only given to me but to other ‘ correspondents,” ition of a Peri. , CZAR LN SCOTLAND. (From Our Special Correspondent.) Tue Great Magnate, who is at attracting universal that the weather, the diers have impressed that he has never left Russia. greater compliment have been social and atmospheric system around Balmoral this morning I picked. up seve ral V ictorian orders, which had been yped by some of the Czar’s nfortunately, they do not admit to the Castle buttery, where, understand, brose and verse go mouth with . honestly confess : Cuantas Fraser, Her Majesty’s Chief Con- is too much for me. to obtain access to the domain b ing myself as a bundle of dirty li Fraser remarked that such effects were never washed off the premises, and sent my cart back to ae. tried to get within the sacred adopting the garb of a Co me in a moment, and I regret that his shoemaker puts pointed Asa final resource I gar in a kilt, but again Fraser was too many for me, for on my neglecting to answer his query, made in an unknown tongue (presumably Gaelic), he declared me to be 3 and ¢ once more I took up the oe Ay belief of writing about Duchess O1ea in the seclusion of an inn, solaced by the spirit of the country, and absolutely debarred from giving any de- scriptive account of these Imperial person- ages from personal observation. when he sees the ows b of “the “coral SAM WELLER AND THE RONTGEN RAYS, “ Have | a pair of e , “and that’s just it. they was a pair o patent double million magnifyin’ gas eee of hextra —, Aine I might be t o’ stairs, and a deal door ; butt bein’ a y eyes, you see, my wision’s i [Trial se scene in Pickwick. Tae Reat “ Trarece Avance.” innings at cricket THE QUEEN! Sixty years ago, your Majesty, sixty | years ago! : And the years slip by so swiftly, though | the tide of advance seems slow. We have gathered some fruit of the hours, some golden and glorious fruit, But the things to be done e’en yet are mighty, and many, beyond compute. Sixty years ago, great Queen! ‘Tis a glorious stretch of time! In the sweep of the mighty orb of State there is something at least sublime. The years have fled, and the men are dead who have made your record great ; But something remains to be garnered yet, though the harvesting seem late. The century runs to its fated end; and how shall its record close ? [In the blood-red sunset of battle fierce, or the crimson flush of the rose, Herald of hope and love and joy, with the lily of peace close-knit ? How much gs now upon royal wisdom, how much upon statesman wit! Let the dead past bury its dead! The whirligig of time Brings its revenges—which to snatch at a cruel cost were crime. The cynic sneer, and the blatant boast of the jubilant Jingo day Are silent now, for the feast is o’er, and reckoning ’s yet to pay. Peace with honour! A splendid phrase! May its echoes never cease! But if the honour be left aside, how long is the reign of peace? A purple dae. on a garment worn is tri- umph at cost of right, It glows awhile in the firework glare, and then falls to rags in the light. ,| Lady, who like Ulysses, that “gray spirit,” of heart so grand, Canst now look back o’er a long, long track of the tale of a great oid land “Till old experience doth attain,” as our | mighty Miron said, ‘To something of prophetic strain” in a brain by memories fed. Lady, our true, brave Queen of Hearts, whose reign outrecords now Our strongest kings, and our noblest Queens ; the sturdiest Briton’s brow In reverence bends and in honest love and patriot pride to-day O’er the woman’s hand that a sceptre grand hath known so well to sway. Sixty years ago, your Majesty! Every year well filled With strenuous duty which won respect and a simple love which thrilled The simplest heart in all your realm with the wisest, bravest, best. God save the Queen, "and give her and | her England true honour and lasting rest ! At Whist. Old Gentleman (at dose of game). Why | did you trump my best card, Miss X.? Miss X. (who has seen her mistake). Because I thought you wanted me to lead up to you. [O0. G. pacified immediately. INTERESTING TO MaTcHMAKING MAMMAS. —Cub hunting has recommenced

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- — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroper 3, 1896. “BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS.” Her Gracious Masesty. ‘‘ ADIEU! DEAR, KINSMAN! IF WE BUT ACT TOGETHER, ALL WILL BE WELL.” [‘‘ It has been officially announced that the visit of the Emperor and Empress to the Queen at Balmoral will terminate Saturday, October 3,”"}

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| Ocroser 3, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. (For Ladies only.) Dearest Ernetinpa,—Since my escapade at Doncaster | have been living what (were I a man) I should call the life of a hermit at Scarboro My cave, it is true, is situated in the Royal Hotel, and possibly my pursuits are not those in which an anchorite would indulge. Nevertheless, I feel that I have taken the veil for (don’t publish this in the local papers) Lord Artruur Rantipoie, like some dere- lict on the Sea of Time, has been recovered by his wife! It happened in this way. Artuur (forgive the all-too-happy fami- liarity of nomenclature) and I were sitting on the Spa promenade, listening to that delicious band, which my dear friend says always reminds him of Meyer Lurz like a dog) with the music. In three words, we were ings, except when a beast of a man threw the end of his cigar on my dress (then Lord ArTHUR got up and talked of bloodshed) ; but this incident was as nothing to what followed. He had, under the influence, I suppose, of a twentieth cigarette and a fifth B. and S. (cela va sans dire), seized my hand, and exclaimed, “My darlin Kaps, will you always be mine?” an I, maiden like, was hanging matrimonial fire, when his hat was, as ArTHUR at once described it, “bashed” over his brow by a Femartz. I was so surprised that I forgot to scream. e Female exclaimed, “ At last I’ve found you, you villain!” Lord Artur, as usual cool ‘as the proverbial cucumber, re- plied, “And where’s the catch?” This seemed to anger her, quite unnecessarily as I thought. She hissed—I should say “whispered,” did that convey the diabolical tones of her utter- ance—‘“T am in earnest this time. Jonzs is round the corner.” At these mysterious words Lord Artuur’s nonchalance vanished. “All right,” he said, “I’ll come with you.” And then without even raising his chapeau after his viele noblesse style, he dis- appeared, and I have not seen him since. Now, who is Jongs? The only explanation which I have received is the following telegram sent from Y ** Nobbled by wife. This document, as you may suppose, is but small consolation to me. Again I ask, who is Jongs? Is he the Fovucus of some gross connubial plot, or the No. 1 of a dynamite conspiracy to ruin my happiness? Papa, always unfeeling, asserts that Lady Arruur and Jongs have conspired to enable Lord ArtHur to make a hurried flight. Luckily he was not staying at our hotel, for from several inquiries we gather that he has not satisfied his landlord, and his grooms are, I know, in ertremis. Poor fellow! Had he never been foolish enough to bind the sacred cord round his neck he and I might now have been one. I feel the situation, Erneninpa, perhaps more than you can imagine, and am reading Kast sone for consolation. Mrs. Henry Woop knew where and when the heart grew fondest. Il faut se distraire. I have just seen a charming yachting cos- tume for winter wear, the novelty of the suit being that every button is different, so that the Royal Yacht Squadron, the London, the Thames, the Corinthian, the Southampton, and even the merry Mudhook are re resented on the discs. I shall order a jacket, waistcoat and skirt ornamented after this descrip- tion from *Messrs. —— directly I return to town. A good dish for supper at Michaelmas is a Solan-goose, boiled with We shall meet again in heaven.—ARTHUR.” mesan cheese and Harvey sauce. Ever, dear, Your loving cousin, P.S.—But who is Jongs? P.P.S.—My poor Artnur! What week if I can discover where is Jongs! * Name blotted out.— Ep. Kaps. is Jones? More next Modern ‘‘ Criticism.” George. What a splendid notice that is of yours, ALFRED, on the new piece at the Gymnasium. It is quite an epilogue! Alfred. And so I meant it to be, dear old chap; for, don’t you know, I also wrote the prologue for the excellent manager. LATTERDAY LIONS, (Notes from a Society Paper of a future date.) Tue present season promises to be an exceptionally brilliant one, owing, in large measure, to the number of distinguished | visitors from foreign countries who are honouring coat by | their presence. It is true that in former years social gaieties were much enhanced by the appearance of such notabilities as | the Suanzapa and Li Hune Cuana, but never until now have so | many illustrious strangers visited us at the same time, to refresh | our jaded spirits by the quaint originality of their habits and and Little Doctor Faust, and the beach | was moaning in sympathetic concord (just | ppy, and murmured soft noth- | grapes and capsicums, and, before serving, “doused” with Par- conversation. ae Durine the past week Prince Bono, the famous head of the West Indian lpatzite tribe, has continued his tour of the provinces, and has displayed a most intelligent interest in the various manufacturing processes which he has witnessed. A very humorous incident occurred at Messrs. Harpwarr’s factory, during an exhibition of the work of smelting. The Prince, who was in the best of spirits, suddenly seized the manager, who was | showing him round the works, and drop him head foremost | into a huge caldron of molten iron, greatly to the delight of his dusky suite. At Messrs. Cannon’s ordnance factory, one of the staff ventured to assert to the Prince that a machine-gun was a more effectual weapon than those in use among the Ipatzite tribe, whereupon the Prince smilingly drew out a tomahawk, and with marvellous dexterity promptly killed two of the factory hands who happened to be standing near hin. Tue eccentric manners of Lord Pim- Pam-Pom, that celebrated Oriental states- man, continue to amuse London Society. While in conversation with Lady Puianta- Gznet at the Archbishop’s den-party his keen eye discerned that the beauty of her ladyship’s coiffure was not due to Na- ture alone, and, with a most impassive countenance, he suddenly snatched awa her wig and placed it upon his own ; At the same entertainment it is said that he proposed to no less than eleven ladies, seven of whom were already provided with | husbands, Lady Piantacenet he offered to assign as a bride to his secretary, re- marking to her “that she was both too old and too ugly to suit himself.” I near that the chef de cuisine of Pim-Pam-Pom’s household is in despair, owing to the fact that his lordship insists upon dining upon roast fox daily. Great difficulty is experienced in obtaining | |a sufficient supply of these animals, and the unfortunate cook is not reassured by his master’s expressed intention to dine off | him if his favourite dish be not forthcoming. Kine Korcnawayo, with his African attendants, took great | pleasure in the ballet which he witnessed on Saturday night at the Labrador Theatre of Varieties. Indeed, he insisted upon ite being continued for five hours, and shot with his revolver two of the performers who showed some symptoms of fatigue towards the end of the third hour. He also took home with him the big drum and some suits of stage armour, both of which are to be utilised on his return to his native land. Tue true explanation of the regrettable fracas which occurred in Piccadilly on Saturday night has not yet been given. Put shortly, it is as follows:—about seven o'clock, a cab-horse, | which had been much overworked, suddenly fell down dead in the road. The incident was perceived both the Esquimaux at- | | tached to Baron Hecwa’s suite and by the litem retinue of King | | Korcnawayo. With a simultaneous yell each party rushed upon | the fallen animal, with the purpose of claiming it as their booty | and conveying it to their kitchen, and the dispute at once became animated, Fortunately, however, the amount of harm done was | trifling, a detachment of life-guards separated the combatants, 'and the total number killed on each side did not much exceed | | twenty. What we are Coming to. Unele (to Nephew going back to Eton). Here’s a pound’s worth | of silver for you, Jack. Tm sorry that I haven’t got a sovereign. | Nephew. Oh! don’t mention it. I’m a bimetallist, you know.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 3, 1896. \ THE NORTH POLE (For the information of Dr. Nansen and others.) .w , The petty babble or the big bow-wow, A WORLD OF WORDS. Equally lecontiedne, swell the row, Professor Frinpers Peraig, in an Address on But do not help the issue ; “* Man before Writing,” delivered ut the Annual | The great god Talkee-talkee is our Dagon. Meeting of the British Association, says that the Tongues, futile as Penelope’s shuttle, wag present generation is “drunken with writing,” that *‘ we let it override the growth of our minds and the common use of our senses,”’ and that “‘ the servant, speech, has come to be mistaken for the master, thought.”’] on, Spinning talk’s gossamer tissue, Which talk anon unravels. Ins and Outs Exchange wild eloquence in windy flouts, Drunken with writing? Aye, Sir, and| y, An Ds we print the lot of it ; dyspeptic, We wor ane read and call Hysterical, insane, and epileptic rand, 7 a a All unaware we do not understand With sheer excess of scribble! Pare: : "Tis words, words, words, in ~ ar The stale sophistic rot of it. printer’s ink, Make nian a thing that never thinks to think, A phrase-devouring fribble. the Platform, it words, clack, At the command of every Grub Street hack, Sway us in Art and Letters. The Parliament, Earth’s early Titans could not read or Press, Pack us with words, and yet we make a mess Of most things that need thinking. We suck up speech as sands suck water Pulpit, write, But oh, they could make up their minds, onl fight ! In which they were our betters. Ah, Furnpers Perrig, as you slily hint, There are some drawbacks e’en to speech and print. Progress we’d not be slighting ; But speech, the master—thought, the ser- vant? Yes! up, And yet compare as Hamlet with a Krupp, From “name of action” shrinking. A crowd of geese, we cackle, cackle, cackle, But when Fate gives some Gordian knot to tackle, Still wordily we wrangle. A multitude of talkers all unstable, Confronted with a knot they are unable To cut or disentangle. Press, And Mgen—e’en before Writing! Tue cab strike ought to be settled at the next cabbin’ it council. AS IT REALLY | Clichés and cant, and clap-trap, catch- | There were great wits before the Penny | 1S. A BOULOGNE. Verse & propos of the capture of Tynan through the sharpness of Mr. Riley. With apologies to Mr, Robert Martin, the composer.) Tynan sings: Is that Mr. Ritey A-looking so smily, The gendre du brave maitre Of the Folkestone Hotel. Mr. Riley sings: It is Mr. Ritey, Uncommonly wily ; Ye’re Tynan, I’m Ruixey, I know ye right well. [Ezeunt together. Last week Lord Sauissury left his Castle, which is Walmer, for Balmoral, which is colder. Hope Great Britain generally will be benefited by his visit. Song of the Khedive Incognito. Art the battle of the Nile (Upper Nile, I mean) I was there all the while (Or I ought to have been), With Kircuener the General A-serving of his Queen, While I was in Paris Enjoying the cuisine. | Tuer Emperor of Russia has ordered a |new autocar. He says that an autocar |is the only conveyance fit for an auto- | Carat. |

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Ocroser 3, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PROVINCIAL SKETCHES. No. III.—OUR GENIUS. _A pounce was Jim, a dunce, indeed, A perfect sample of the breed— | On this were all the world agreed, Except his doting mother. “My bairn! my bonny bairn!” quoth she ; “Tt is his lungs are weak, ye see “ Alack, it is his head,” thought And glanced at one another. ” we, Her fear about his health was great, | And still the more that Jmmy ate, |The more she thought him delicate, | And more and more she gave him. | “He’s but a het-hoose flower!” she cried, “Owre beautiful tae live,” she sighed, “But yet I’ll try, whate’er betide, An’ dae my best tae save him.” So tender was her care that lo! The hot-house flower began to grow, And soon was six-foot-two or so, A healthy sixteen-stunner. “Noo, mark my words,” she cried in glee, | “As sure as three times one is three, My Jim a genius will be, An’ fill the warl’ wi’ wunner. “What wad ye wish tae be, my sweet ? I doubt the farmin’s gey and weet : The damp micht get intil yer feet, An’ then the cauld wad tak’ ye. The books is fine an’ , but oo! They ’re sair upon a y's broo. Eh, losh me, Jim, I hae’t the noo !— An airtist we will mak’ ye!” The mother had a mind, the son | To all appearances had none ; Her will was law, and swiftly done; Jim smilingly acceded. She bought him brushes by the score, With chalks and canvases galore, And paints and palettes—far, far more Than ever artist needed. Well, Jim set to and daubed away Some pictures for the R. S. A., And when it came to showing day His friends were asked to view them. We came in crowds the gems to see, But which was cow and which was tree No two of us could quite ’ And Jim himself scarce knew them. “H’m, yes,” said we, “a pretty show; But don’t you think that Jim might go And learn to draw? ’Twould help, you know, In painting cows and creatures.” “Na, na,” his mother answered then, “An airtist’s no like ither men, For eh, he’s born, no mad’, ye ken— My Ji shall hae nae teachers.” So Jim worked on as best he might By artless Nature’s simple light, Untrammelled by a point of sight Or any such vexation. But, strange to say, none took the whim | Of buying any gems of him: They stuck like barnacles to Jim With grim determination. | A year or two went slowly past, | And Jim grew tired of it at last : | His weary brushes down he cast, . And took instead to drinking. Eh!” cried his mother, “let him be. His mind is overstrained, ye see. He'll jist lie fallow for a wee. "Tis genius, I’m thinking.” | | | | | } | | for a Coo | ever bought sheap. | lives at Canterbury, within the vicinity of sad A DRY CALLING. ‘Tu’ OLE SQUIRE STOP AN’ SPOKE TO ME THIS MARNIN’; AN’ O1 Ast ‘Im ‘OW MAsTER PHILIP WAS GETTIN’ ON IN LuUNNON. ‘OH,’ SAYS 'F, ‘’R’S BIN CALLED TO THE Ban,’ O1 DUNNO WOT 'E MEANT, 80 O1 DIDN’ SAY NOTHIN’ ; BUT OI BAYS TO MESELF, ‘Aun,’ O1 SAYs, ” ‘FROM WHAT OJ REMEMBER OF ‘IM, ’E DIDN’ WANT NO CALLIN!’ Well, Jim lay fallow, and he found That when he tried to loaf around His efforts with success were crowned No living man could match him. It was a calling, it was plain, That suited to a T his vein. D’you think he’ll ever paint again ? No—Jim knows better—catch him! To a Cantexsury Pit¢erm. — Mr. Punch’s congratulations to Tuomas Sipnery Cooper, R.A., as being hale and hearty on his ninety-third birthday. In animal painting he has made many a first-rate “coo.” “ Always a goot prishe, ma tear, r, and none of his lambs were ” Mr. Stponzy Cooper Hales Place, where all the Hales and Hearties are. Ars, et vita longa with his veteran Brother Brush. | Jzames IN Exocerrsmns. — The Daily | Chronicle of Saturday recounts how |“ Acnitte Vanpercamp, one of the royal | footmen, for rescuing King LEeoPoLD in a recent iage accident, has received the | decoration of the First Order of the Croix Civique.” Bravo, Acnitiz! “ Bouillant | Acutmiiz!” This footman has now in | waiting on him a page in history. A New Derartvure.—The Imperial In- stitute has lost “her Vine, the merry cheerer,” as Wiiu1aM the Di-vine hath it. | Who is to take the cheer of the merry cheerer now ? Mrs. Puossyt wishes to know whether the capture of Dongola will interfere with the winter season at Venice. Crom Smars “Marxer. —COycles been moving i larly. Dunlops fell. All coming r again.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI VARL [Ocroper 3, 1896. | Mamma!” “Ves, DEAR.’ ‘Where's THE WIND WHEN IT DOESN'T BLOW?” LES CHERS AMIS. Pen des d'un Président, An, ces préparatifs! Je suis anéanti. Quelqu’un qui me de- mande? Qui done? Ah, la lecon de russe! Mon professeur. Je n'ai rien appris, pas un seul verbe irrégulier. Je n’ai pas le temps. Dites-lui de revenir ce soir & minuit, ou plutét a deux heures du matin. Dormir? Impossible. Voyons donc ! Ce programme. Oh, le sacré programme! Toujours le pro On a enlevé |’échafaudage de |’Are de Triomphe? gramme fon. On va couvrir les ruines de la Cour des Comptes de haut n bas? De quoi? De bouquets d’orchidées. on. Et les irbres des Champs Elysées absolument sans feuilles? Oh, Qu’est-ce qu’on va y mettre? Des feuilles en Ah, la bonne idée! Et le train impérial | le train impérial de l’Empereur, et k train impérial de la République. Quelle dréle d’idée, un train impérial républicain ! Semmentt Les voies ne peuvent sup- porter le poids du train? Alors nos chers amis seront obligés de descendre? Ot ca? A vingt-deux kilométres de Cherbourg. Et puis? Il faut continuer le voyage en voitures de troisiéme, Mais il faut absolument recon- juelle horreur! papier, ou de papier Mais il y en a deux; qui ne sont pas si lourdes? struire tout le chemin de fer. Impossible? Oh, mon Dieu! Mais la Seine? Si nos chers amis pouvaient venir de Cher- bourg A Paris en bateau-mouche impérial républicain? Mais non! Il fandrait tous les cing jours de leur séjour en France pour ca. Quelqu’un qui me demande? Un projet de féte? Le cent trente-huitiéme que j’ai recu aujourd’hui. Et encore? Des représentants d’une ville Ye province. La soixante- troisiéme délégation! Qu’est-ce qu’ils. disent? Un projet de cadeau pour nos chers amis? Oh, mon Dieu! Encore un cadeau! Le deux cent quatre-vingt quinziéme depuis cing heures du matin. Mais voyons donc! Nous n’avons pas un instant & perdre. Le programme. Encore quelqu’un? Qu’est- ce qu'il dit? Un cheval est mort? Un cheval impérial ré- publicain, que nous avons acheté si cher? Quel malheur! Mais nous en avons encore dix-neuf. A propos des voitures impériales républicaines, ot faut-il m’asseoir? Nous serons trois. Et il n’y a que deux places en face. Est-ce qu’on peut construire une voiture avee trois places en face? Impossible ? Eh bien, que faire? Si je montais & cheval, ou A bicyclette, | Si je pouvais me retirer au Havre! Ah, le cher bas, si tranquil, si charmant! R | pregramme—Quoi donc? Encore quelqu’un qui me demande? Un rédacteur ? j mon habit? 'un simple Président des Etats Unis? Tiens, j’ai mon ruban | rouge! Ou quelquechose de fantaisie, un habit de féte, en velours jaune, en satin blanc, brodé, galonné? Faites-le comme vous voulez. |Ce sacré programme! | Quel plaisir de éreintant tout de méme. fulness, sold his birthright for a mess of pottage; and if a great poet chooses to part with a sample of his genius in considera- tion of receiving a pot of blacking, who shall blame the bard for doing just exactly what he likes with his own? | ing, and perceived your stirring verses lying in small type sur- | been | per Lord Satissury ?) to write, and consequently there would ou A cété du cocher? Mais non, mais non! Oh, mon Dieu! tit nid la- | Mais il faut nous d r. Ce| Toujours des projets! Et Encore un projet! ; Un habit noir, comme Comment arranger ¢a? Ah, ga m’est égal! Je n’ai pas le temps. Voyons! | Ah, les chers amis! Dépéchons-nous. ; Mais c'est | recevoir convenablement |! les TO THE ENRAGED POET. Dear Sr Epwin,—Esav, in consequence of Jacos’s oily art- Nay, Sir Epwrn, you take this too much to heart. I confess, that when I opened my J'imes on Wednesday morn- rounded by various advertisements of a distinctly unpoetic tharacter, I at once turned to the central page to see if you had “ crowded by the publication of the Austinian Laureate’s ad cap-in-handum verses. But the muse of ALFRED the Less had not been inspired (I wonder if he got a wiggin ior his negligence from Her Most Gracious Majesty, forwarde out ” .ave been space for one poet inside the great daily journal. That it should be in small type! in that, to my mind, lay the indignity. O the pity of it! O the printing of it! If Sir Joun Mriuats’s “ Bubbles” had been indifferently re- ywroduced or belittled (as has your poem by its type) on our valls, might not that great artist have had a word to say on the subject to Messrs. Pears & Co., who purchased the above- nentioned charming picture for one thousand guineas? Did ,10t Sir Freperic Leicnron, P.R.A., has not Professor Her- xomer, R.A., done work for hoardings, and do not “hoard- ngs” mean “savings”? I devoutly hope so. If I am wrong n quoting the above, have not several notable artists contribu- ted, by pictorial advertisements, to the mural decoration of our lull city? Then why not verses as advertisement by one of nur leading poets ? When some thrice-happy publisher is fortunate enough to »btain the right of printing and publishing your poems, my | dear Sir Epwrn, will he publish them without advertisements, literary perhaps, but that’s as it may be, within the two covers? Does this derogate from the poet’s dignity? Not one whit. Are not the gems of wit and humour contained in Mr. Punch’s weekly pages invariably framed, as it were, by an outer sheet f worthy and most useful advertisements ? Then, poet, please to moderate the rancour of your pen, and if you can strike the lyre, at three times as much, per chord, with advertisements, as you can obtain for the same without \dvertisements, why, pocket the coin, and sing us the song which all the world (consider the circulation of these journals) | will be delighted to hear! Who can sing without notes? Let | the purchasers supply the notes. For yourself, insist only on | two things,—big type, and a central position! Yours sincerely, A Lover or Poetry aNp PICKLEs. — ] The Moral of Balmoral. Her Gracious Majesty to the Czar :— | To Deeside you have come. Wise counsels be your guide. | Here, in our Highland home, For lasting Peace decide. Strange Tale from the Sea. A PARAGRAPH in the Times of Wednesday last week told us how a shark had been caught, and in its inside was found by the sailors “a complete copy of the Times” newspaper. Per- haps the shark “took in the Times regularly,” but, being in 4 hurry that particular morning, only read but did not tho- roughly digest the contents. The shark’s circulation was soon stopped, but the Times goes on as before. Tue Armentovus BiacksmitH.—Mr. GLapsTone.

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Reduced Pae-simile | You'll dislocate your joints, my child!” | You keep yer ’air on, poor old OcTOBER 10, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 52 THIRTEENTH CENTURY. CANTERBURY PILGRIMS. NINETEENTH CENTURY, THE LITTLE VULGAR GIRL. (A Street Study in the School-Board Era.) Air —‘‘ The Little Vulgar Boy.” It was in Lenten yesterday, I strolled a Board School near; I saw a little Vulgar Girl—I said, “What make you here?” She grinned at me with youthful cheek, her hp with scorn did curl ; Again I said, “ What make you here, oh little Vulgar Girl?” She sniffed, that little Vulgar Girl! childhood should not scoff, And when the gentler sex is young, sneers do not set it off. ut her finger in her mouth, the rillest shriek arose, , Such as a fierce Red Indian might yell at | savage foes. “Hush! Don’t do that, my little miss. | It splits my ears!” I said. _ “Garn, you old guffin!” she replied. “ Git ’ome and go to ‘Dad “Garn?”—“An old guffin?”—“*Go to bed? ”—“ And this to me? Oh, fie! It’s very wrong for little girls to be so rude!” said I. “Way-oh! old wrinkles!” yelled the child. Then upwards she did fling Now | She Her little heels into the air, like—oh ! like | anything. I’ve noti all about the streets that girls of tender age ; Do fling their little limbs about like minxes on the stage. I said, “My little female-girl, I must, politely, heg You not to play such vulgar pranks as that with your poor leg! She grinned, “ All right, old flick! crock. That ’s only my ’igh kick! “There ain’t a girl in our Board School ean kick as ’igh as me, Although I ain’t eleven yet, I tyke the cake, Sir! See?” With which she sprang, and spun, and shrieked, a thing of shame and dread, And, with one final at from off my head! I blushed, and picked it from the road. I eaid, “My dear young girl, I’m sure the School cannot teach you thus to spin and twirl. flourish, kicked my I trust they teach you the Three R.’s— rchance a fourth—but, oh ! Don’t you see kicking high like this is really very low?” She placed two fingers in her mouth, and made a frightful noise, When up came running several girls, and also several boys. “Oh, chummies, ’ere’s a lark!” she cried. “This funny, fat, old fool, Thinks the three R.’s the only things we learn at our Board School!” | “Oh, little Vulgar Girl!” I said, “ what is it else you learn? She eyed me with a brazen stare which made me blush and burn. “Vulgar be blowed, old boy!” she said. “You’ve been upon the shout! | We learn to darnce, an’ smoke, an’ swear,| , ’ ’ an’—know our ways about.” “ And this 1s Education, then!” I mused. “Her legs to twirl Like minxes at the Music Halls delights! this little girl. |Her grammar’s very shaky, her pronun-| ciation queer, But her high-kick is marvellous, and can’t | she chaff and jeer? “She and her sort come shrieking round the square wherein I dwell. They never play at girlish games, they! always romp and yell. To battledore and shuttle-cock, skipping- rope, hoop and stick They never stoop; their only joys seem| noise and that high-kick. “T wonder much what sort of wives such| Vulgar Girls will make——” “Wot are you mutterin’ of, old boy, and) wot’s your little fake?” The little Vulgar Girl inquired. And then they all took hands, | And danced about me like wild tribes in dark and distant lands. I grabbed my hat, I up and fled, pursued by their wild shrieks. I’ve watched such scenes about my square, for weeks, and weeks, and weeks, And what I want to know, what time ] see her blare and twirl, Is—what will be the future of the little Vulgar Girl ? Beppep out Piants.—“ Dossers” in St. James’s Park. JQuery: —Is “dossers” derived from “dozers”? Ask Slang Dictionary.] | | old Bizzy! A STORY ABOUT THAT LLUSTRIOUS PHOTOCRAPH. ( Translated from the German. Origin wncertain. ) Havine nothing to do—I am tired of composing national songs and giving di- rections to people to paint pictures for me—I may as well turn my hand to nar- ration. Shall some day attempt a ro- mance. Got an idea already. Young man in love with young lady. One poor the other rich. Girl (wealthy) has a haughty mother. Mother won’t let girl marry poor young man, who commits sui- cide. Capital notion. Only got to find some novelist fellow just to write the thing for me. oa to be a companion to my cartoon. Sell like wildfire. But I want to jot down how I came to send that photo. Fact is, I didn’t know I had it. I had just been forwarding a batch of telegrams to a lot of interesting ae Se Khalifa, chap commanding iostile Arabs in the Soudan, and others— | when I came across an English paper. Looked through it and found it abused me! Never saw such ingratitude! Why, I actually speak English, and if I have opposed England in every possible shape for the last few years, what does it mat- ter? It’s only a pleasant little way I have. My fun! am an immensely amusing chap when I please to be. I never laughed so much in my life as when I turned off poor old Bizzy. He was so surprised! I had flattered the poor old chap up to the skies, so, when lee round and told him to go, his astonishment was absolutely killing! I could scarcely keep my countenance sufficiently to make him a duke, or something of that sort. Poor But it was screamingly funny ! Next to the abuse of me in the English paper was a column devoted to an account of the Suttan’s atrocities. His Imperial Majesty is a wag like myself, but I really think he does sometimes carry a joke a | little too far. Comical to turn bludgeons to account in preserving order, but, pro- tracted, the custom becomes monotonous. Old Guiapstonr’s nickname for him rather appropriate—“ the Great Assassin.” How- ever, I waded through the page, and then my eye was attracted by an unopened parcel. I unloosed the string, and there | was a big photograph of myself in the uni- form of a British admiral! I didn’t want the beastly thing! So a happy thought struck me. I put it back in the paper and sent it to the Surran! VOL. cxI, Q

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Ocroper 10, 1896. | iC i. Sa

wy, Witins™ RN i uma, Y, , fe el Si a, ot OUT WITH Us.” r Y ‘ss INCERTAIN.” 7 > a — = a DQ fo] =

A DAY OVER THE ARMENIAN COVERS. H-re-rt, ‘* HALLO, Lord R-s-b-ry, “Um! IL pon’t se Squire

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i Ocroser 10, 1896.] PUNCH, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 FLOREAT HOVA! Briguton, as well as France, has, it | seems, a difficulty with its Hovas, if the | inhabitants of the “residential and quiet | town” of Hove—whose “eccentric motto” (as the Daily Chronicle calls it) is “ Flo- reat Hova”—may be so called. As France desires to absorb the Hovas, so Brighton, it seems, wishes to “amalgamate” Hove. Brighton is brisk and bustling; Hove, like the celebrated young lady in the epitaph, is “bland, quiet, and deeply religious.” Also it “several important powers and privileges” which it does not wish to lose by being “ merged” in uppish, up-to-date London-on-Sea. Brightness, Briskness, Business, Bustle, Are the Busy B’s of Brighton ; But to hear the green leaves rustle, See green lawns eve’s gentle light on, Are sweet thi that tired ones love In that peaceful haven, Hove! Doctor Brighton is a tonic Sedative, perchance, is Hove. Let them live in bliss harmonic, Neighbours in contiguous love, Like the lion and the lamb, But without a hint of “cram.” Love means not “amalgamation,” Independent friendship’s better. Hove her own administration Wants to keep. Well, why not let her? Modern wisdom does not hallow The old policy of swallow. Hove would not be made a martyr To the ghoul Centralisation ; So she fights for her old charter ’Gainst big Brighton’s annexation. Let them live in neighbour love, Brighton Brighton, Hove still Hove! Big things will be consequential. Hove declares with bold temerity That her “ quiet, residential Character gives her prosperity.” Punch admits he oft doth love a “Quiet spot,” so—“ Floreat Hova!” AN EXTRA NOTE. Tue Frascati Restaurant has just insti- tuted a “ Musical Luncheon,” that is, when the pie is open the band begins to play. An overture for the commencement—0 u- verture de bouches. Grand march for an entrée. A warlike song, “Aus Armes, Citoyens!” for the neéce de_ resistance. Something sweet to follow, with a Ranz des Vaches for the cheese. Excellent in its way—if you are alone. But if you want to talk, how then? Perhaps there is oo Pay; for the talkers — this wo a salle d manger-et-d parler com- bined. As “music is the food of love” there should be a pleasant reserved corner called “The Bi e,” for example, where would be served, quite close to the orchestra, “The Lovers’ Lunch.” We re- commend this to the Restaurateurs gene- rally. Why not add musical attractions to the s bars ” ? Say from “two to four in a bar. nalian music only. The next novelty will perhaps be an advertise- ment headed “Conversational Luncheons. Cuisine Parfaite. No Music.” _At Constantinopis. — Unanimous opi- nion of the ambassadors that the situation HT Hl i ~ _—— ec PMN THE FRIEND OF THE ee " ——— SS ee > > SS > i= a — ——— \\ \\\ \ : \ CLERGY A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY. BRAVO, BURNS! “Tuovucuts that breathe and words that | ” Outpv Times Reviveo. —I say, Mr. P., 8. urn, Fell from Burns (of Scotland) often. Burns (of Battersea) has his turn! Joun, like Ropert, does not soften Saxon speech to courtier sleekness When with the oppressor dealing. Words won’t take on maudlin meekness When beart’s fired with honest feeling. Burns of Battersea, bravo! Burns of Scotland would have praised you. And that speech, all fire and go, Has in true men’s judgment raised you. Straighter talk unto the Turk, Greater pith and more compactness, None have given. The mark some shirk Joun has hit with much exactness. Fustian of the florid kind, rk or on a platform, isdains, but would not mind If all spouters kept to that form. Praise to him who raise weil earns, is always “grave ”—for the Armenians. ravo, Joun Burns!” So Punch cries, “ han’t we be in for splendid banquets when the new Lord Mayor begins his entertain- ing! Alderman Guzzieton and Common | Councillor Swiaeieton will be “on ”—very much “on”—in this scene; that is, if there’s anything in such a name as “ Lor: Mayor Fuddle Fill-lips!” ’Ooray! Yours Tue Op Pier or Portsoxen. Hicuty Prospasitz.—The Hamburger Nachrichten last week quoted, warningly, a speech of Mr. Aurrep Bzrt’s, in which he seemed to point to another “ Jammson raid.” The Hamburger and others need have no fear; this utterance, if it ever were uttered, quod est disputandum, sounds more like a bark than a Beit. Wuat the director of the National Por- trait Gallery said when he closed the Sun- day show for present season :—“ If I open this — this year, I’m blest—no, I mean I’m Cust.”

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PUNCH, OR THE I [Ocroper 10, 1896. JONDON CHARIVARI. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Huxrey Bunosno Jasserser, B.A.) No. XXIV. Mr. Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors. I aM now an acclimatized denizen of Caledonia stern and wild ; which, however, turns out to be milder and tamer than depicted by the jaundiced hand of national jealousy. For, since my arrival at this hamlet have not once beheld any species of savage bill-man; moreover, the adult inhabitants are clothed with irreproachable decency, ** Of incredible bashfulness and bucolical appearance.” and, if the juveniles run about with denuded feet and heads, where is the shocking scandal ? Mr. Autaurt-Lynert, sen., did me the honour to appear in person upon the Kilpaitrick platform, and welcome me with out- spread arms to his temporary hearth and home, but I shall have | the candour of confessing my disappointment with the size and appearance of the same. It appears that a “ Manse” is not at all a palatial edifice, furnished with a plethora of marble halls and | vassals and serfs, &c., but simply the very so-so and two-storied abode of some local priest ! | _ My gracious hostess was to tender profuse apologies for its | homeliness, on the plea that it is refreshing at times to lay aside ceremonial magnificence and unbend in rural simplicity, though it is not humanly possible to unbend oneself upon the thorny bosoms of chairs and couches severely upholstered with the prickling hairs of an extinct horse. Still, as I assured Miss Wen-wer, she is the happy owner of a magical knack to transform, by her sheer apparition, the hum- blest hovel into the first-class family residence with every improvement. y of Kilpaitrick, N.B., 1| With the said Miss I continue on terms of hand and glove- ship, with mutual harmless jokes, which would perhaps be as | caviare on toast to a general, though I shall venture to recount | some examples. A certain local young laird, of incredible bashfulness and buco- lical appearance, is a frequent visitor at manse, and the | fervent admirer of Miss Wez-wee, who cannot endure the tedium of his society, and is constantly endeavouring to escape there- | from. | Now his name is Mr. Crum, and I have frequently entertained her in private by play upon the word, alluding to him as “ Mister Crust,” | an alias, he answered that it was because he inhabited a house of that name. self in future as “ Mister Seventy-nine, Hereford Road, Bays- water,” which stroke of wit occasioned inextinguishable merri- ment from Miss Wee-wee, though it did not excite from the | aforesaid laird so much as the smallest simper! | From an ingrained love of teasing, and also the natural desire | to eaiete te talk and Part de | sole society upon her—to the huge entertainment of her father and mother, who carry on the joke by assisting my mancuver- ings; but, although it affords me a flattering gratification to be laintively u braided by Miss Wee-wex for my cruel desertion, natural endurance. recipient of an invitation from a Mister Bacsnor, Q.C., that he and his son Howarp would accompany him to a shooting ex- pedition upon some adjacent moors, and that, being now im- moderately plump, and past his prime as a potshot, he had re- r appreciation of my superior fertility in small | aire, | do often slyly contrive to inflict his | “ Mister Oatcake,” or “the Scotch Bun,” and the like ; | but he informed me that he preferred to be addressed as “ Bal- | | bannock,” and upon my inquiring his reasons for selecting such | Whereupon I facetiously requested that he would address my- | am resolved not to persist in such heartless pranks beyond her | Shortly after my arrival, I heard from my host that he was the | quested leave to nominate myself as his budli or substitute, | | explaining that I was:a young Indian prince of great prowess at | every kind of big games. Accordingly, to my great delight, it was arranged that I should | take his place. | My young friend Howanrp, beholding me appear at the break- | fast-table arrayed in my short kilt and superincumbent belly- | purse with tassels, did entreat me to change myself into ordinary | knickerbockers, lest I should catch death with a cold. |_ But I declined, disdaining such dangers, and assuring him that | I did not at all dislike the excessive ventilation of my knees. | We drove to Mr. Bagsnor’s residence, Rowans Castle, in a | hired machine, and found the gentlemen-shooters gathered out- side the portico. Amongst the party I was pleased to observe upon some mixed bag of elephants and tigers he had heard (or so he said) I had accomplished in some up-country jungle. At first, knowin i spired with terror that he was making me the fool, but apparently he was himself under a misunderstanding, for when we had left the vehicle and were preparing to advance, he tinguished compliment ey to preside over the opposite end! And thus we commenced to climb a stee dimmed. So, beimg gravely incommoded by the shortness of my inform me of the early approach of any stag or deer. front of me, I was too late, owing to the carriage of my gun by an underling, to do more than fire off a couple of barrels as a declaration of hostility. But profiting by this lesson in being semper paratus, I refused to part again with my deadly instrument, and stumbled manfully onwards with finger upon th taneously at the first appearance of any animals fere nature. these districts, though horned, and of an excessively ferocious subjected to continual reproofs from some officious keeper or other. For example, I was not to shoot into a flock of the superstitious reason, forsooth! that it was still the month of August, which is supposed to be unlucky! Hon’ble Justice CummersuND, who, when we were all ascended | into the waggonette-break, did rally me very good-humouredly | that this was the utter impossibility, I per- | paid me the dis- | entreating that I might be awarded | the command of one extremity of the line, while he himself was | hill, thickly covered | with a very pricklesome heather, and black slimy bogs, wherein | the varnish of my patent-leather shoes did soon become totally | wind, I entrusted my musket to an under-keeper, begging him to However, we saw nothing to shoot at except various sorts of | wild poultry, and when some of these flew up immediately in e triggers, letting them fly instan- | It is not customary, I was assured, to slay the wild sheep in | appearance, and even when firing my bullets at birds, I was | « ridges, for

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| Ocroser 10, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Again, I was rebuked for burning powder at a grey hen, be-| cause it is the wife of a black-cock, which may be shot with im- punity. Although a highly chivalrous chap in questions of the fairer sex, I am yet to see why it is allowable to render the female | | bird a bereaved widow, but totally forbidden to make the male | | a widower! Or why it is permissible to slay a minute bird such | asa snipe, while a titlark is on no account to be touched. | Being seg re | exasperated by these unreasonable faultfind- ings, seeing that I had merely emptied my gun-barrels without | | actually destroying any of these sacred volatiles, I addressed the | keeper in the withering tones of a sarcasm: “ Mister Keeper,” I said, ' “as I am not the ornithologist or soothsayer to distinguish infallibly every species of bird by instinct, when flying with in- | eredible velocity, would it not be better that I should discharge no shots in future ? ” To which, abashed by my severity, he replied that he could not just say that it would make any considerable difference whether I fired at all or none. My fellow-shooters, however, couid not refrain from shouting | with irrepressible admiration at the intrepidity with which, fore- | stalling the fleetest dogs, I did rush forward to pick up the | fallen grouse-birds, and repeatedly exhorted me to take greater | care for my own safety. I cannot say that they exhibited equivalent courageousness, | seeing that, so often as I raised my gun to fire, they flung them- | selves upon their stomachs in the heather until had finished, upon which I rallied them mercilessly upon their | timidity, assuring them repeatedly that they had nothing to fear. Yet English and Scotch alike accuse us Bengalees of being | subject to excessive funkiness. What about the Pot and the Kettle, Misters ? I am to reserve the conclusion of my shooting experiences until a future occasion. PROVINCIAL SKETCHES. No, IV.—OUR GUIDE. Harp by the secret postern in the grey old Castle wall In the pleasant summer sunshine stands the hoary seneschal. A much read man is Sanpy Brown, of strange historic lore, And in his cups he ’Il spin you yarns you never heard before, For then his tongue is loosened, then are Time and Space as nil, And Imagination riots through the ages at her will. “Guid mornin’, gentlemen,” says be, “’tis gey an’ fine the day Ye’re for seein’ roun’ the Castle, Sirs? Then please tae stey this way. Aye, yon’s the Keep. "Tis Norman—early Norman, as ye see, An’ built by Wutiie Conqueror in fourteen saxty three. ‘Twas ta’en frae him by Cromweti—yon’s the marks mad’ by his shell— An’ gi’en tae Mary Queen o’ Scots—ye’ll mind o’ that yersel ? | Noo, Mary she was awfu’ for the Martyrs—cudna sleep Unless she had a pickle o’ them lockit in the Keep, An’ when there was nae huntin’ an’ the times a wee thing slack She ’d hae them for an hour or twa an’ put them on the rack. Weel, ane o’ these was Knox—Joun Knox—ye ’d ken the laddie fine ? Eh, mebbe no, he’s deid, ye see, a guid few years sin’ syne: A meeinster, wi’ glowerin’ ee, an’ lang beard turnin’ gray, An’ eh, a vara deeyil at the preachin’, sae they say. Noo, Mary cudna thole the man; she wished tae hae her fling Withoot the fash o’ sermons, Sir, or ony sic-like thing, An’ she wearied o’ his preachin’ an his talk o’ flames an’ hell, An’ his everlastin’ prayin’, as ye micht hae done yersel’! But area had mony zealous frien’s, an’ when they learnt his ate, They cam’ awa’ tae Mary, a’ the greatest in the state, An’ they begged she’d let the parson gang, wi’ tears an’ sighs, nae doot, But ‘Na,’ was a’ she answered, ‘he ’ll be lang ere he win oot.’ ‘ Aweel,’ said they, ‘my Lady, gin ye wimna set him free, We'll awa’ tae Queen Exizanetu an’ then, begad, we'll see.’ Sae aff they rade, an’ Mary had Jonn Knox upon the rack, An’ wa stretched him ivry mornin’ till the gentlemen cam’ ack. The Queen she gi’ed them audience doun yonder in the Ha’, An’ they handed her a warrant wi’ the Royal Arms an’ a’, An’ she looked at it an’ read it, an’ ‘It’s quite correc’,’ ses she. Ho, bring in Mister Knox,’ she ses, ‘ we ’ll hae tae set him free.’ Sae Mister Knox was ushered in, but eh, Sirs! what a change! His mither wudna kent him, they had altered him that strange! THE POET-LAUREATE ON TURKEY. ** You are not alone in the opinion you appear to entertain that it is in- P i ppe cumbent on me, by virtue of the office | have the honour to fill, not to remain altogether silent when the entire nation is palpitating with wrath at the atrocious massacres that have occurred in Armenia, ’’ &c., &c.—Mr. Alfred Austin’s letter to a correspondent, quoted by the Westminster Gazette. | He was short an’ fat an’ dumpy-like when last he had been seen, But noo, wi’ a’ the stretchin’, he was lang an’ lank an’ lean. His vara beard seemed grown too short,—scarce covered half his cheeks, An’ his trews were mair like bathin’ drawers than honest par- son’s breeks. Then ses the Queen, ‘ Ye’ll think,’ she ses, ‘ye’ve beaten me, nae doot, When ye mind o’ hoo I swore that he ’d be lang ere he won oot, But eh!’ she added, an’ a smile cam’ crinklin’ up her mou’, ‘I’ve kept my word, for ’faith, my Lords—he’s lang eneuch the noo!’ True P—Aye, Sir! the rack, What mair cud ye be wishin’ for tae prove that it’s a fac’ ?— The offeecial charge is saxpence, but it’s thirsty work, ye ken, An’ gin — Thank ye, kindly, Sir! Guid mornin’, gentle- men!’ True as Gospel! Yon’s the dungeon an’ Suecrstion to tHe Camspripor A. D. C. Amateur Dramatic Civs.—“ An Outsider” writes to us:—“ How is it that there should have so long existed in the town of Cambridge, and belonging to the University, the unique play of an author whose work, whether he be yet in this world or out of it, has never yet been tried on your stage, i.c., ‘Panker’s piece’? A friend of mine, a Cantab, tells me has often ‘seen some play on it,’ but, as far as I can gather, without any acknowledgement having been made as to the original source.” Ovr Onty Onzs.—Our Poet-Laureate, Aurrepo, is rarely so good as when he is writing prose. Post last week. Then, like “Little Davy Garrick,” when inspired, he is “ quite six foot high.” See his letter in Morning |

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PUNCH, Travelles Jurvey HiM UP whose lrain is due). ** KAPE STILL, SURR, GET ODE TO AN By a Depressed Farmes Sau I, wasting in despair, Die, because Trade is not Fair? Or—-what cheek !—for nations care Whose trade tariffs stiffening are ? Be Trade free as light or day, What odds, if it does not pay? If it be not Fair to me, What care I how Free she be ? Shall I for Free Trade “ go it blind,” Just to please the Coppgn kind ? Or because that CourTtNEy creature Swears it is our fixéd feature ? For, despite the Cobden Club, I’m depressed—ah! there’s the rub! If Trade be not kind to me, What care I how Free she be ? Shall the foreigner’s cunning move Me to perish for their love ? Or their prosperity, well known, Make me quite forget my own ? With Free Trade’s I still love Protection best. If it be not so to me, What care I how good Trade be ? While all tariffs range so high, Shall I play the fool, and die ? Whilst Free Trade I worship blind, Other countries riches find. I would do as they all do, after George Then my trade perchance they ’d woo : And unless hard cash I see, What care I how “ great ” I be ? Great, or Good, or Free, or Fair, I’m hard up, and I I despair! UN-FAIR ONE, Wither dalf Century blest( ?) **Look HERE, I'M GOING TO GET OUT FoR THE LOVE AV’ rO THE STATION NO MORE!” | (once more at large). OR THE LONDON ee 5 tt oe me whee BAD HABITS GROW APACE. AND WALK, MosEs, KAPE STILL, SURE AN’ IF | In Free Trade I don’t believe, Did it die I should not grieve. Faugh! Free Trade no more I’d woo Chuck her up, and let her go! For if she be not Fair to me, What care I for whom she be ? LEADER AND FOLLOWER. An Old Catch brought up to (Political) Date fol- follow, f. (languidly). Come, follow, follow, Liberal “ Leader” low, follow, | follow Me! | Liberal (would-be) Follower (doubtfully) W hither shall I follow, follow, follow, W hither shall I follow, follow thee ? | Liberal “ Leader” (cautiously). Find the road that’s safe and easy, muster up, and then—I ’ll see! | Libe ral Follower Giineste. Come, follow, follow, follow, follow, me! Liberal “ Leader” (anxiously). Whither shall I follow, follow, follow, Whither shall I follow, follow, thee? Liberal Follower (sardonically). Till I find some real leader, who can lead, and | then—you ’ll see! [Exit in search of one follow, follow From JOKER The most shameless ouR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE conduct in the world. coalowner, who is ploughed at Oxford in “ greats.” CHARIVARL THA! That of a future OctoperR 10, 1896. Ms ( sa iw, of! 4 ry “0 W. / 3RUTE WILL MAKE ME Miss MY TRAIN !” THE OULD BLAYGUARD BATES US, I'LL NIVER Class or No Class. Masses against the Classes set ? That is acknowledged work for asses! Technical teachers have, you bet, Hit on the wisest motto yet, In “Classes for the Masses.” SomMETHING IN A NAME AFTER ALL.—Ac- cording to the Daily Chronicle, Signor Luie1 Arpitr mentions, in his recently published Reminiscences, that he was in the habit of flourishing his conductor’s baton with such vigour that he once raised a bump on the head of a violinist at New York, and another on the head of Signor Mario at a Crystal Palace concert. “ What else can you expect with a name like his?” commented Mr. P.’s tame ’ARRY. ’ Ard-it-’e!” Professionals of the Floor and Field. E _ TLY the same, though not so in name, Are dancing and football “ pros.’ For both money make and salaries take For supporting the ball with their toes. Mem. sy a THames TraveLtter.— When at Old Windsor, always look out for the “ Belles of Ouseley.’ THE Pow ERS. Datrty Beverace or THE GREAT Porte whine. FOR THE WITCHES IN Haggis. Proper Foop MacBerH.-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrosgr 10, 1896. FRANCE TO THE FORE! Brirannia (to France). ‘“‘ WELL DONE, SISTER, I AM WITH YOU HEART AND SOUL!” [‘* The conference of M. Campon, the French Ambassador, with the SULTAN is asserted to have been of the highest importance.”"— Pall Mall Gazette.)

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PUNCH, those train is due). ** KAPE STILL, SURR. rO THE STATION NO MORE!” Jarvey. GET HIM UP **Look HERE, I’M GOING TO GET OUT FoR THE LOVE AV’ LONDON 1896. THE OctoBerR 10, OR CHARIVARL. ie a my J, i 458) iW, wh BAD HABITS GROW APACE. THAT IF AND WALK. Mosgs, KAPE STILL, SURE AN 3$RUTE WILL MAKE ME MISS MY TRAIN!” THE OULD BLAYGUARD BATES U3, ILL NIVER ODE TO AN By a Dep ed ka Saat I, UN-FAIR ONE. after George W ithe wasting in despair, Die, because Trade is not Fair? Or—what cheek !—for nations care Whose trade tariffs stiffening are? Be Trade free as light or day, What odds, if it does not pay? If it be not Fair to me, What care I how Free she be ? Shall I for Free Trade “ go it blind,” Just to please the Cosppen kind ? Or because that CourtNEy creature Swears it is our fixéd feature ? For, despite the Cobden Club, I’m depressed—ah! there’s the rub! If Trade be not kind to me, What care I how Free she be ? Shall the foreigner’s cunning move Me to perish for their love ? Or their prosperity, well known, Make me quite forget my own ? With Free Trade’s I still love Protection best. If it be not so to me, What care I how good Trade be ? While all tariffs range so high, Shall I play the fool, and die ? Whilst Free Trade i worship blind, Other countries riches find. I would do as they all do, Then my trade perchance they ’d woo : And unless hard cash I see, What care I how “ great” I be ? Great, or Good, or Free, or Fair, I’m hard up, and I despair! alf Century blest( ?) | Il. Liberal Follower (sharply). In Free Trade I don’ t believe, | Did it die I should not grieve. Faugh! Free Trade no more I’d woo Chuck her up, and let her go! For if she be not Fair to me, What care I for whom she be ? Class or No Class. Masses against the Classes set ? That is acknowledged work for asses! Technical teachers have, you bet, Hit on the wisest motto yet, In “Classes for the Masses.” LEADER AND FOLLOWER. (An Old Catch brought up to (Political) Date SoMETHING IN A NAME AFTER ALL.—Ac- cording to the Daily Chronicle, Signor Lurie: Arpitr mentions, in his recently published Reminiscences, that he was in the habit of flourishing his conductor’s baton with such vigour that he once raised a bump on the head of a violinist at New York, and another on the head of Signor Mario at a Crystal Palace concert. “ What else can you expect with a name like his?’ commented Mr. P.’s tame ’ARRY. “?* Ard- ite!” fol- follow, i. Liberal “ Leader” (languidly). Come, low, follow, follow, follow, follow Me! Liberal (would-be) Follower (doubtfully). W hither shall I follow, follow, follow, W hither shall I follow, follow thee ? Liberal “ Leader” (cautiously). Find the road that’s safe and easy, muster up, and then—I ’Il see! follow Professionals of the Floor and Field. ollow, follow Come, follow, follow, follow, follow, me ! Liberal “ Leader” (anxiously). Whither shall I follow, follow, follow, Whither shall I follow, follow, thee? Liberal Follower (sardonically). Till I find some real leader, who can lead, and then—you ’ll see! [Exit in search of one ExactLy the same, though not so in name, Are dancing and football “ pros.” For both money make and salaries take For supporting the ball with their toes. Mem. sy a THames TraveLLer.— When at Old Windsor, always look out for the “ Belles of Ouseley.” Datty BerveraGcE THE GREAT Porte whine. THE Powers. OF From ouR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE JOKER (once more at large).—The most shameless conduct in the world. That of a future | coalowner, who is ploughed at Oxford in “ greats.” FOR THE WITCHES Haggis. Prorper Foop | MacBeru.- IN

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrtosgr 10, 1896. FRANCE TO THE FORE! Britannia (to France). ‘“‘ WELL DONE, SISTER, I AM WITH YOU HEART AND SOUL!” (** The conference of M. CamBon, the French Ambassador, with the SULTAN is asserted to have been of the highest importance.””—Pall Mall Gazette. | | |

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| long. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 177 October 10, 1896.] BRIGHTON. A Monsieur Punch. Dear Mister,—I have said you how I am of return—de retour—to the hotel that afternoon of the Sunday in that droll of “fly,” by a veritable tempest. Eh well I rest—je reste—at the hotel, I dine, i smoke a cigar, and then I go to see if he falls still of the rain. Parbleu—by blue, he makes beautiful! I seek my by-above —pardessus, how say you?—and my hat. At present I have but one sole, and it wants not to risk him by this wind. Hap- pily, I remember ot that I bought at Edimbourg a scottish bonnet, un bonnet ‘* A pretty little burgess Miss.’’ écossais, a droll of bonnet with two long ribbons behind, almost as those on the hat of a woman. In effect these ribbons are also well useful for to be tied under the chin, but they should to be a little more However, I succeed to tie them, | and, wearing my bonnet, I go to make a | shut, except little walk at the clear of the moon. He makes less of wind. And truly as I smoke a cigar, strolling all gently on the prome- | nade, so well lightened, éclairée, it seems to me that Brghton is not after all so beast—si béte. It goes without to say that the Sunday one cannot to amuse himself. As partout in England, all is the bar, the tavern, the publicouse, and the ginpalais. But it is —— that to walk himself at the border of the sea, to smoke a cigar, to encounter his friends, even, for a stranger as me, to regard the pretty little bur- gesses misses, demoi bourgeoises, per- — employeds of = magazines of con- ections, ins confections pour dames, or oa little misses of counter demoiselles de comptoir—how say you al that? Truly it is not so beast, above all when he makes beautiful. At the instant that I think that, a drop of rain falls on my nose, I regard effaré the sky of new all cloudy and sombre, 4 pas ae 2 ae step of course I file upon the hotel, and I gain the entry at the moment where the tempest rebegins. By blue, what climate! j | he goes to make beautiful. It is impos- sible that he falls all days of the rain at the English Nice.” Pas du tout, not of the whole! For the rain falls as if he came of to begin. Oh, what villain time! All desolated I descend for to take my cup of coffee to the milk—café au lait, how say you? I cannot to eat your eng- lish “ breakfast”—the kipered haddocks, the poached hams, the eggs, the sausages, the biftecks, the cutlets, and all that, with some “mufins ”—ah ga, quelle horreur ! —and some jams. Ah, no! And see there as I eat one little bread, un petit pain, a ray of sunshine! And when [ go out, the paving, the road, all is dry, the sun shines and the sky is blue. It is not precisely the blue of Nice, but in fine the blow of the eye is not entirely grey. All joyously I walk myself on the promenade, jand I regard the bicyclist ladies, who mount so well. hat pleasure to see them! They are so beautiful, so gay, so gracious, so sveltes—how say you? As 1 regard them I am almost overthrown by a chaise roulante, what you call a “ chair of Bath.” And then I remark many of these chairs of Bath, enormous, gigantic, as heavy as—tiens /—as your bun of Bath! Ah, by this beautiful morning, even a little calembour is permitted, n’est-ce f Then I arrive to the Aquarium, but I enter not, for it is absolutely a subterra- nean, un souterrain, and he the air of a mausoleum, of a humid tomb. Instead of that I regard the old jetty, the “ Shain- pir.” All to near, tout auprés, there is another jetty, all ruined, all rusty, all in- complete. One yo in your country, “ Half done is well un,” but this jetty is not well begun, ben she has the air of never to be finished. Why leave her there, an object so miserable? I have never seen anything of more frightful. At Brighton they love the iron, for to- wards the east extends herself an arcade of the most drolls; an interminable range of arches in cast iron, painted in sombre col- ours. So ugly, my faith, so ugly! A friend has told me that there was here formerly a pretty little promenade, adorned with shrubs and with ivy, some- thing of green at Brighton where there is almost not of trees, and that all that was destroyed to construct this hideous arcade, which has cost more than one half million of francs, perhaps in fine one million! And nobody goes there, excepted some childs and their g nnes, how say you? Itis asa travesty of one cloister of a Campo Santo. Figure to yourself, Mis- ter Punch, one side of the Campo Santo of Pisa in cast iron! Ah, the good idea! I make present of her to Misters the Mu- nicipal Councillors of Brighton. Their beautiful arcade would be more superb with some monuments—also in cast iron— of the = personages of their artistic town. ere is enou of iron in the ruined jetty for to fabricate an infinity of | busts and of statues for the Campo Santo Monday in awaking myself I think, | “Eh well, Avcustz, my dear, to-day in fine| “One woo 1s Down.”—The eider duck. Agree, &c., of Brighton. AUGUSTE. On the Crystal Palace Cycling Track. Miss Random (who has fallen off her machine ten times in five minutes, to in- + al Do you think I shall ever get on Instructor. I doubt it, Miss, you seem to me to be a born “ Ne’er-do-wheel.” STRIKE ME PINK! Or, THe Crustacean's Cravina, A LoBsTeR swam in the Western Sea, Weary and heavy of heart was he As ploughed through the Gulf Stream’s wrack ; For all around him was fair to see In the ocean, green as the vernal pea But the lobster’s shell was black. He sighed at the sea-weed’s radiant hue, And the mussel-shell’s cerulean blue, And the mackerel’s mottled back’; He wept when he saw the whiting pure, And fled away into nooks obscure, For the lobster’s shell was black. He gazed at the tints of the graceful prawn, And the roseate hues of early dawn, And he bitterly cried “ Alack! The sea-gull is white as the driven snow, And the star-fish shines with a fiery glow, Oh, why is my shell so black!” - They fished him out of the lobster-pot, And plunged him in water—boiling hot, Until they pronounced him dead ; Then relies | is carcase on to a dish, But oh, how changed was the weary fish, For the lobster’s shell was red! | Yes, that which in life he had sought so sore Was granted him now that life was o’er, And the worn-out spirit had fled ; For Death in pity heard his cry, And changed Bis hue to a brighter dye, And the lobster’s shell was red. No more the electric eel would shock His sensitive nerves, nor the turtle’s mock Would cause him to hide his head ; No more would he sigh at the sea-gull’s flights, Nor feel abashed at the Northern Lights, For the lobster’s shell was red. The storm-tossed body they gently lay In a lonely aspic far away, Far from his Western bays ; They softly smooth out his wrinkled legs | And cover him o’er with the white of | And “the” peaceful mayonnaise. There blossoms the fragrant cucumber, There the vinegar flows, and there The lettuce her leaves doth shed ; And there by all may be clearly seen, Through the transparent gelatine, That the lobster’s shell is red! A New Story anent Stonehenge. American Professor. I reckon that these monoliths are the fossilized oaks off which the Druids were once accustomed | to snip the mistletoe at Christmas-time. [Theory immediately wired off all over | the world by the Razzle-Dazzle News Agency.

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[ez sequeagdeg ‘ydvsbmay Apoy —,, Sargsraoyss Ajdurts e1¥ oansveul-a[pit3 s,9u0 Uo syoaye 83, pus ‘nok uo 8mor3 UoTBIETTY xe oy} ‘Aq 3Y UeA ‘s}[NBSL9ULOs TIN} OF TIBET nof 90uQ ,,] ‘GunAPld AHL 40 LNAWAAOUMNI BHL UO LNIOANOAGNA OL GUNIIONI ASOHL OL GAANANNOOTU A THOT «iad¥Nd LINVSYSWOS 3H1,, f, [OctosER 10, 1896. CHARIVARI. E LONDON TH as jet | ~ ~ H, NC PI

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ee ee a... OcroseR 10, 1896.] SPORTIVE SONGS. An Anchorite, from his Cell near the Embank- ment, greets the first Fog of the Season. | Tae first thick fog has wrapped the town Within its ample fold And painted all a dirty brown That was a dainty gold. The sparrows recognise the spell, And quite forget to fight ; | For crumbs upon my window sill— They think that day is night. My dog, an ever ardent beast, Well-known to all as Spot, Turns tail upon the outlook east, Whence sunlight cometh not. He views his muzzle with disdain, And, on the rug tight curled, No doubt he deems a man insane Who’d seek the outer world. This tawny atmospheric blend Of smoke and mist and wet, Is like an unexpected friend— ’Tis not November yet! And yet how well its grasp I know, Its pungent, icy grip, That will not let one’s nostrils go Without a deadly nip. | The paper boy is choked with damp, His shouts are few and weak ; The milkman shows a warning lamp, While muffled is his shriek ; The cabbies travel on the wood Like Charon o’er the Styx; The ’bus-cads are in plaintive mood, The vans forget to mix. To vierce the vapour I try hard, Full many a time and oft. Tall ghosts look down on Palace Yard Tom-Bowling-like aloft. That shadow blurred and indistinct Perhaps may be St. Paul’s, And something on the landscape inked Maybe are Cecil’s halls. What desolation! What neglect Of London’s claim to air! Have County Councils no respect ? Have vestries no despair ? Have I—but stay, a sound I hear, A peal of tiny bells. Hurrah! the muffin man is near! The fog may ge to Wells! THE JUMP CURE. An OLLENDORF EXERCISE. [The corpulence of the middle-aged can be reduced by throwing a somersault.”’— Daily Paper. } Tue elderly gentleman weighing eighteen stone has entered the trapeze-furnished gymnasium of the determined professor. The elderly gentleman weighing eighteen stone has been induced to hang by one leg to a rope by the determined professor. The head of the elderly gentleman weigh- ing eighteen stone is softer than the stone floor of the trapeze-furnished gymnasium. The elderly gentleman weighing eighteen stone having received an electric shock supplied by the determined professor, has recovered consciousness. The elderly gen- tleman weighing eighteen stone is under the impression that he has seen all the | Stars of the firmament. The determined | professor insists that the elderly gentle- man of eighteen stone shall “throw a | cart wheel.” _ The legs of the elderly gen- tleman of eighteen stone are being at- tached to the trapeze. siderly gentleman of eighteen stone have given way. The elderly gentleman of sighteen stone has fallen to the ground, and the determined professor is offering ex- planations. The determined professor is apologising to the friends of the elderly gentleman of eighteen stone, but not to the elderly gentleman of eighteen stone | himself. hy is the determined professor | not apologising to the elderly gentleman |of eighteen stone? The determined pro- fessor is not apologising to the elderly | gentleman of eighteen stone because he (i.e., the elderly gentleman of eighteen Visitor. ‘‘ An, THAT'S AN OLD MASTER, SURELY (” Mrs. Veneer (apologetically). ‘‘ Y%-E-8—BUT THE FRAME I8 NEW!’ | doctor are at the same table. that ends well (i.c., that has a good end- | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 179 man and the clever doctor are now con sulting together, and the mind of the de termined professor is disturbed. The good policeman and the clever doctor have come to a decision, and are no longer convers- ing. The determined professor has been removed to a station-house, and the elderly gentleman of eighteen stone to a lunatic asylum. The friends of the elderly gentle- | man of eighteen stone are dining in the house of the elderly gentleman of eighteen stone. The good policeman and the clever All is well The legs of the| stone) is unconscious. The good police-| ing).

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VERY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT IT!” ' ” RIDES BEFORE BREAKFAST! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. | possession. | you have blown upon Homer and pricked the SHAKSPEARE a day old are as worthless as yesterday’s morning paper. They |aware of. He is therefore out of court. ASscurius, I under- | stand, wrote tragedies in blank verse, but they are not now | nowadays } ; ; | painfully suburban, and his views on bimetallism and WacGner |are crude in the extreme. Virer served his purpose in Pedestrian, “1 NeAR [BROWN HAS TAKEN TO CYCLING, AND Is Cyclist. *‘Exruvustastic! Nor a sir oF ir, Why, HE NEVER COUNSEL TO COUNCILS. | Street, with Mr. Gzonos Frampton and Mr. Leruasy at its head.]} | ‘“Craner, Frampton, charge! On Lernasy, on!” Are the first words of Punchius. May you do just the thing that requires to be done, | With wisdom and wit, and without noisy fuss. The stubborn Briton is falling behind: “Our fathers’ custom” wont serve us to-day ; And to keep his front place Buti must make up his mind For technical training to strive and pay! British workmen don’t lead where so long they have led; The foreigner’s filching our honour and hoard. | Let us hope that our national wooden-head | May be cured by the Technical Board! ANXIOUS FOR A LUGGAGE-LABEL. pany, as Baggage and Small Parts. fulfilled, even if he have to descend to playing a hamper. Kitchener. | [The Central School of Arts and Crafts is to be opened by the Technical Education Board of the London County Council at the Morley Hall, Regent \ TANTED, by Young Man, very respectable, to join Combination or Com- Tue above advertisement appears in a theatrical contempo- . | rary. Mr. Punch can only suppose that the “very respect-| I find, and keeps the Universe in its proper place. I feel like [ OcroBER 10, 1896. (P)SHAW! (A Page from an Interviewer's Log-book.) [** With the single exception of Homer, there is no eminent writer, not even Sir Warer Scort, whom I can despise so entirely as I despise SHax- sPEARE when I measure my mind against his.”’ “G. B. 8." in the “ Saturday Review,” Sept. 26.} Hastity donning, by way of partial disguise, a furrow hat, » red tie, and a flannel shirt, I called a day or two ago at No. la, Widowers’ Houses, in the Isle of Sly Dogs. Not being by any means a Master-mind, it was with no little trepidation hat I arrived at the front door of the distinguished Iconoclast’s vbode. I observed two bells, one marked “ Dramatic Critics,” ind the other “Idiots.” There was also a knocker, with the legend “ Knock and Wait.” I knocked and waited—for twenty minutes, without result. This display of Fabian tactics making me feel sufficiently small, I ventured to press the second bell. The door was then opened by a Social Democratic parlourmaid, und I found myself ushered into the Presence. I thought it better to enter on all-fours, and thus, with downcast looks, I ‘ould only hastily notice that the Master was supplied with a snuff-coloured suit of dittos, and a flamboyant head of hair. “Good morning,” I said, as soon as I partly regained my self- “T have called, on behalf of the Society for the Protection of Ancient Reputations, to inquire if it is true that bubble.” . “Quite so,” replied the Demolisher; “reputations more than become fetishes, and it is my pleasant duty to expose them. The persons you mentioned have ceased to move with the times. I have therefore abolished them.” “ 4re Prato and Virern, and Ascuyivs and Horace, and the rest of the classics to go, then?” “My dear Sir, Puato never spoke in Hyde Park, that I am played at any London theatre. He would not get a ‘hand’ Horace, so far as I have patience to read him, is supplying a title for Arms and the Man, but he is an imposition, and rightly used as such. I would not give the bones of a chocolate soldier for the rest.” “Are we to give up our belief in the more modern writers of note, as well?” “Most decidedly. Take Dante, for instance. He couldn’t even write decent English; and Rase.ais, who wouldn’t write decent French. And Bacon, who I am told wrote Paradise Lost, and The Sorrows of Satan, and much other sensational journalism of a bygone day, besides knocking off ‘S#axk- sPzARR’ in his spare moments. They are all as hopelessly parochial and prehistoric as Dickens and THackeray. It posi- tively hurts me to think how contemptible they are compared with myself. Why, it is as much as I can do to keep from tearing out my hair in handfuls with disgust at hearing them called ‘eminent writers!’” “Are there no ideals, then, left for us to cherish?” I de- spairingly asked. “For example, don’t you still retain a good opinion of the Equator?” “The Equator, my good Sir, is too despicable for words. It has no sense of humour, and cannot appreciate a paradox. Its only use is as a salutary terror to the fourth-form schoolboy. dog not recognise its existence as a serious factor in modern life.” “Then you probably don’t think much of the Solar System, if I may hazard a final question ? ” “T consider it a vastly overrated institution, in spite of the advertisement it has received from interested parties. I spen half-an-hour every day despising it. This is a useful practice, ATHANASIUS—or was it ArcHIMEDES?—contra mundum, as ! ible” young man would undertake the réle of Mr. Boz, or | “ppear as an elephant’s trunk, or perhaps he has some secret | method of disguising himself as a Gladstone bag or an Ameri- | can gripsack. Any way, his demand is novel, and Mr. P. | feet. | hopes that his ambition to join a combination may be speedily | (assisted by a piece of orange-peel), and got up with a most A Doneota Dinner.—The quail of the Arab before the walk down Southampton Street. It is an exhilarating sensa- | tion, I assure you, pushing the planet away from beneath one’s The other day I measured my length on the pavement |profound contempt for the Law of Gravitation. But if | you will excuse me, now, I have an engagement with a Popular | Idol, whom I have arranged to pulverise.” I left hurriedly, feeling thankful I was only an Obscure Item

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a P *, ~ LIQUEUR OF THE | a *»G°© CHARTREUSE. ‘This delicious Bigeews, bene has come so much inte favour ow colnenet ta lator. * ful p:opertiesof aidin; on 2 and preventing D can Ww now be had of all the principal rn erchants throughout the Kingdom Wine and Spirit sole Consignee ‘ bo DOTLE, 36, Crutched Friars, London, B.C. BEDFORD. Ploughs, Harrows, Haymakers, Horse Rakes, Mowers, Straw Trussers, Fodder Presses, Oil En- gines, and Portable Railway. SUCHARD’S COCOA. Nature’s Choicest. FOR PLEASURE AN) PROFIT. Nothing so profitable and easy to grow. 80 Acres .1 Saleable Trees. LEDS Bushes in variety. Carriage free for Cash with order. 8 /= per doz., GO/= per 100. All other Nursery Stock carriage J nmPOTS From 15/-1 a doz. Ornamental 91 Acres, A Sapers m of N.B.—Single Plants ave sold at slightly increased prices. CENERAL CATALOCUE (Over 170 pages) of Nursery Stock, artistically produced, « ontaining some hundrels of ilustrations, tull of valuable —_ ou receipt of for postage Please mention this Papem RICH, SMITH & GO., WORCESTER. EPPS’S CRATEFUL - COMFORTING *oOF THE SKIN eCOAL agri TAR : SOAP vein SHIA amcer TABLETS 6al/- S00 EVERY Wh ‘Oiseases Rec COMM ENDED which keep the Tobacco in Fine Smoking Con/ition. Sellers, Stores, &c.. The genuine bears the Trade Mark, “ NOTTINGHAM CASTLE,” on every Packet and Tin. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.- HIERATICA Nore Paper, 5 Quires, 1s. Court Envelopes, ls. per 100 5 Quires, ls. Mourning N de, 5 Quires, 1s. 6 (4 ail Stationers, or s wd stamps bo Thin, for Foreign Correspondence, Mourning Envelopes, ls. 6¢. pet 100. Hieratica | orks, 68, Upper Thames Street, Lewtoi, Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. JOSEPH GILLOTT’S Of Highest Quality, and Having PENS Greatest Durability, are Therefore CHEAPEST. = THE WORLD a SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TO3ACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH 7S SUPREME. Not only is it the most eflective skin pu: ify- fog an | beautifying soap in the world, but it ie Co. L10., the purest, sweetest, and most r freshing for ° toilet, bath, and nursery, It fs 6 because i ttrikes at the cause of bad complexions, failing AT THEIK KONDED WOKKS, LIVERPOOL Jair, and simple biby blemishes, vis.: THs Cuncern, Inerrats, iIneranen, OvEm WORKED, Of S.vcoma Pors. & ld everywh re. Price ls. F. NEWBERY & SON, 1, King E ward &t., London, E.c, “ Beautifully Cool and Sweet Smoking.” And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. 2 *\wg gett ee E a - “ Sold only in l-ounce Packets and 2, 4, and 8-ounce, and 1 Ib. Tins, Ask at all Tobacco and take no other. PLAYER'S NAVY GUT CIGARETTES, In Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 50, and 100. Ocroser 10, 1896. PACKHAM’S TABLE WATERS AKK MADR WIT DISTILLED WATER BRACES. the Trade Note: None Ge Mark“ ACARIC.” (fall Hosters and S Loree every * here, or sent post free on receipt of Postal Order for 4s. to“ PV.” Dept., 6, Philip Lane, London, B( ARD.—Hhuyers demandin, other liraces not bearing the trade mark as —_ are requested to communicate with above address. Wholesale of WHiCH M ARGEIBON a London, B.C 210 Acaries, and havin, offere CO., 4, 16, and 17, Cheapside, , and all Hosiery and Drapery Houses PERPECTLY SIMPLE. SIMPLY PERFECT The Pocket Kodak A dainty little camera, weighing only 7 ounc Can be slipped into the pocket, Makes pictures 1} X 2 inches Loaded in daylight — no « necessary ark toom Achromatic lens, with three stops Improved rotary shutter always set for tim instantaneous exposes. View finder. ( Complete with roll of film for 12 exposures, £1 Is. EASTMA N Photographic Materials Co. Ltd. 815-087 Ostord St., London, W Write for descriptive pamphic

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON LEA & PERRINS SAUCE has been known for more than FIFTY YEARS ALL OVER THE WORLD. ASK FOR LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE, And observe that 4 the Signature is now printed in Blue Ink diagonally of every Bottle. Sold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester; CROSSE & BLACKWELL, Ld., London; and Export Oilmen generally. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. DU BARRY’S REVALENTA FOOD All disorders of the Stomach and Bowels, the Blood, the Constipation, Dyspepsia, Indigestion, Consumption, Diar- rhea, Dysentery, Influenza, Grippe, Acidity, Heartburn, Phiegm, Flatulency, Feverish Breath, Nervous, Bilious, Pulmonary, Glandular, Kidney and Liver Complaints, Debility, Cough, Asthma, all Fevers, Spasms, Impurities and Poverty of the Blood, Ague; Rheumatism, Gout ; Nausea and Vomiting, and at Sea; Eruptions, Sleepless- ness, Atrophy, Wasting in Adults and Children. 50 years’ invariable success with old and young, even in the most hopeless cases. 100,000 annual cures. PRICES.—DU BARRY’S REVALENTA ARABICA suitably packed for all climates. In Tins of § Ib. at 2.; 1 Ib., Se. 6d.; 21b., Ge.; 5 Ib., 14s.; 12 Ib., 38e.; 24 Ib., 60s.; or about 2¢. per meal. All Tins carriage free at home and in France. Also DU BARRY'S TONIC REVALENTA BISCUITS ensure sleep and nervous energy to the most restiess and enfeebled. In Tins, 1 Ib., 3s. 6d.; 2 Ib., 6. DU BARRY AND ©O. (Limited), 77, Regent Street, London, W.; 14, Rue de Castiglione, Paris; 50, Rue du Rhéne, Geneva; and of all Grocers and Chemists across the OUTSIDE WRAPPER CHARIVARL—Ocroser 10, 1896. yar xaeELLILO ws" NELSON'S OPAQUE GELATINE “ Well known and appreciated in almost every household throughout the Kingdom.”—-LaDy’s PICTORIAL. ** Nelson’s Home Comforts,”’ a useful Book of Recipes by MARY Hoopes, Author of “ Little Dinners,” &c, May be obtained gratis from GEO. NELSON, DALE & CO., Lro, 14, DOWGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. GROSSE & NTA FOOD) BLACKWELL'S “nin er nage ror | FRESH FRUIT JAMS AND JELLIES, In White Pots and Glass Jars, ARE MADE FROM SELECTED FRESH FRUITS AND REFINED SUGAR. samme ———_——__, Sold by Grocers and Stores throughout the World. | in every part of the world. ee ee ling’ im the County of Middlesex, at the Printi: Oftices of Mesars. Bradbury, Agnew . & Co., Limited — aa Uctoo Cie: eck. om Leather 3B Fierire = PICTURES FROM = PUNCH " Gs now comnlete in 6 Vols. G/- each, also tn

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—OcrosER 17, ~~ SAVORY ano MOORE’S MISS BRADDON’S NEW NOVEL. In One Volume. Price 6 LONDON PRIDE. A Novel by the Author of “ Lady Aatiey's neeret, “ Vinen,” &e London: SIMPKIN &400,LiuM, and all Box PERPECTLY SI1PLE shestieve. SED IN THE BOTAL NURSERIES , everyy 1896. BEST FOOD = INFANTS iz GUINEA MEDITERRANEAX organised b Lans Perowne™ 4 SES ss a MIDs wIGHY 8U x3 im ter: electric light. splendid cuisine Fare inclu: ticket, London-Calais- Marseilles, and Ts ce ong Nov. Sth, to Ajaccio, Naples, Sici’y, Tunis, Aigiers and Southern Spain, or Jan. 26th, to Palestine ang Egypt Extended cruise, Oct 2 rd, 35 guineas, to Constantinople. Athens, &c Lectures by Sir lam bert Pia oo The Archdeacon of Manchester, Pp SIMPLY PERFECT. The Pocket Kodak Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. Sole Importers: INGRAM & ROYLE, 52, FARRINGDON STREET, LONDON, E.C. DIAMOND ORNAMENTS. “HEAVIEST POS SIBLE PLATING.” le camera, weighing o Pa et The Choicest Quality en an be slipped into the pocket ’ Makes pictures 1} X 2 inches in the World. ; Loaded in daylight fark room ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE MAPPIN & WEBB S pecessary Achrom ath Impr insta COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: 12, REGENT ST. W. JOINING Geleceeea orice Compant.) lens wed rotary ntianeous PRINCE’S PLATE. “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY ezposures Complete with roll of film for 2 exposures, £1 Is. E ASTM A N Photographic Materials Co. Ltd. “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR stg-tt7 Oxford St., London, W. SUCHARD’S COCOA. Registered Trade Mark “ 8. MORDAN & CO.” Nature’s Choicest. COLT’S NEW | DOUBLE- ACTION 32 CAL. POCKET REVOLVER CUARANTEED PERFECTLY HOLLOW CROUND. . at = price list free OOPS FIREARMS CO.. 26 ‘Glasshouse Street, Piccadilly ‘Cureun, London, W. | | BESTs SAFEST DE GUARANTEED PERFECT Black Ha - Se Gd. itv ory He o~ . ts. 64. A Pair lwory Har 2s. in Kuss My ath mie all rac ond Dealers. | Ivory nas Turner &Co make Black Whe ne sal Ose & Co., London, W | their own steel - | = | 6/ - Bend for Free List of Cases 4/- | From all Dealers, or wr firect to Makers T. TURNER & CO., 3°": SHEFFIELD, Who ot capely thee vagh nearest Agent. Ask for" Bncore” Pocket and Teble Cutlery. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR ely nu im parte vd to Hair ir o ing AINE, | ore oany OF wintiik ‘ | Prige be. 6d t ng. re} or fae Ma ir “RINE FOR COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, dc., DRINK VIGHY GELES TINS sii REAL GERMAN HoLiow GrRouNno fessc ce, Mahaffy, Lanciani, Canon Tristrs Vy Pull de ~— Becretary, 5, Endsleigh Garden Gardens, "x \“ HOTEL METROPOLE, BRIGHTON. “ The finest and most luxurious Seaside Hotel in the World.” Charges moderate. Proprietors: THE CORDON HOTELS, LTD. ORIENTAL CARPETS Sold at Wholesale Prices TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for— Pr ice L ist. eur TEN. SCOTCH (The Celebrated Sweet for Children, STALE TOBACCO, Condy’'s Fluid instantly removes all Taste and Odour from Mouth and Breath, and prevents sore lips and tongue which often cause Cancer. Use CONDY’S FLUID | PERRY'S A 2:= PERRY & Cas NEW METAL PENS * ARE SPECIALLY MADETO - RESIST ACIDS OF ALL KINDS, AND ARE THE NEAREST APPROACH To THE acTionor GOLD PENS. 6° or BOXES SENT POST FREE “ON RECEIPT OF STAMPS. SOLD BY ALL STATIONERS. WHOLESALE: PERRY & C° LIMITED; OLD BAILEY, LONDON. i os As a Mouth-wash., Read instructions with the Sold Everywhere, aah, ROWLANDS’ MACASSAR OIL ye ei eee Golden Colour, 3a. 64., Ts., 10s. 64. ROWLANDS’ ODONTO The Best and Safest Dentifrice: 2s. 94, of Chemists and Perfumers. Send Postal Order to— A. ROWLAND & SONS, 20, Hatrox Gaspex, Lowpos.

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| | Octoper 17, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. POX RO) RO Y »» Ii AD THE EARLIEST RECORD OF THE APPEARANCE OF THE SEA-SERPENT. This remarkable Picture from an Egyptian Illustrated Paper is accompanied by the following unpublished remarks of Herodotus, its Special I went to a certain place called Pelusium, which is at the mouth of the Nile, to make inquiries concerning the great sea-serpent. Jorrespondent :— For it was told as of a dingy white colour, and as me that every year, after the rising of the Senate, and while the Chief ~ yr are away from the city, there appears in the ocean, not far from the ’ harbour, a monstrous snake. All affirmed it to be many parasangs in len and exceeding fierce, some described it vivaneing silently and with # sinuous motion; o hers, on the other hand, declaring it to be mottled with the most gorgeous colours, to proceed by leaps like a dolphin, and with hideous bellowings. All agreed that it only appears when the Senate is not sitting. Thus conclude the subject of the sea-serpent. THE CAB-HIRER'S VADE MECUM. (During the Strike.) Question. If you are on your way to town from the country, what should you do, say, when you get within one hundred miles of London ? Answer. I should beg the railway guard to wire to the terminus to engage a con- veyance for me on my arrival. Q. What will be the consequences of this proceeding ? A. Assuming that my train is half-an- hour late I shall have to wait a further thirty minutes for the identification of my Jehu and his chariot. To whom and to what do you refer ? A. To the railway employé on the box of the company’s cab. Q. Say that you are seated, what will happen next ? A. I shall give my address, and then personally conduct the driver. Q. Why will this superintendence be necessary } A. Because, being “new to town,” the coachman will fancy that Eaton Square is near the Tower, and Oxford Street within 4 stone’s throw of Waterloo Bridge. _Q. Suppose you desire to get from Ken- sington to Hyde Park Corner, what would the route chosen by the driver, without your directions P ‘ A. Very likely he would make for Jlympia, then wander into Bayswater, visit Bloomsbury, skirt Pimlico, and come to Apsley House vid the King’s Road Sloane Square, the Brompton Road, and Knightsbridge. Q. Then if you are encumbered with luggage, what should you do? Send it to its destination either by Private Delivery or Parcels Post. would you yourself get A. By walking. Q. But surely this would cause you in- convenience ? A. Possibly. But it would be far safer trust to legs than to wheels. Q. Why would it be safer? A. Because nearly all the streets of London are “up,” and consequently it would be better to climb the pavement with an alpen-stock than to drive through the gas-pipes in a hansom. to THE PIANO-BABY’S LULLABY. [Many of the itinerant artistes of Saffron Hill consider that their apparatus is incomplete without a baby-and-cradle attachment. ] MiseraBue infant, To the organ tied, Trundled down the dirty street, Swaddled tightly head and feet, For your daily ride! Wretched little morsel, Squalling little brat, Though the wheezy barrel turns, Tis through you your am earns Ha’pence in his hat Small and howling human, Soon no more you'll hear, Growing quickly deaf as stone, Thanks to each discordant tone Ground into your ear. Truly, for two buttons, This is what I’d do: I’d a stout policeman fetch, Take your father up, the wretch, Smash the organ, too! VOL. CXI.

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PUNCH, OR THE “LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 17, 1896, wl Vay ENTHUSIASM fy Nas . Watnd o ‘OUT OF AN ENGAGEMENT.” r Withelm (the Quick-Change Artist), ‘‘ WHat HAVE WE HERE? Hum! Tuas Russian STrRIPLING SEEMS TO HAVE HAD SO RECEPTIONS! But wait TILL J Go on Tour! Ana!”

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— OctoBER 17, 1896.] 4 , v/ |W i Wy M\ Ue Wh, 7 e M4ny GONE TO GROUND. Keeper (long suspected of being no friend to Foxes). ‘Tux CUBS SEEM ALL UNDER GROUND THIS MORNIN’, MistER CapeM.” Huntsman (having just drawn the man’s coverts blank), *‘ WELL, YoU oven! YUU BURY 'BM,—EH!” ro KNow. But, I say, Mister Porrer, WHBRE DID PROVINCIAL SKETCHES. No. V.—THE BAILIE. Ha, who comes there with lordly air of calm superiority, With portly mien and look serene of self-assured authority ? Who can it be?—Some great grandee?—Sh! Do not stare and _ dawdle, Sir, It is no Royal Highness, but our worthy Bailie Cavpze, Sir. Well may he walk with stately stalk and cast an eye of scorning On us mere nobodies that dare to whisper him “Good morning.” To = that bears a city’s cares, dons scarlet robes and ermine, Sir, What are mere men, mere human men, but worthless dirt and _ vermin, Sir? Far other thoughts absorb his soul—themes mightily superior, lhe pipes and drains, the water-mains—a living town’s interior. Ha! think of that and tremble, Sir, that you have dared to greet _ aman Who, when the lion’s roused, can look as if he meant to eat a man : Well may the hungry beggar blench when haled before his __ Mightiness, Well may the tripping damsel blush in sorrow for her flightiness, Well may the trembling truant dread his worshipful verbosity, And shrink and quail abashed and pale before my Lord Pomposity Or see him on a Sabbath morn in solemn elder’s state, His hand upon his bosom and his eye upon the plate. he people, as they enter, in Sabbatical reflection, With nervous fingers feel the bawbee destined for collection ; But as they feel, they blush to think how monstrous it would be To offer common copper to a magnate such as he : They drop the vulgar metal, and ashamed, yet half unwilling, Produce the silver See, the sixpence and the shilling. And when, with boots that creak importance, in his lordly style, The Bailie in his majesty comes marching down the aisle, We rise, we stand in silence, as is meet for man to do, What time he passes in his glory to the elder’s pew. neously produced.” And as we watch him move along, so stately and so tall, There is a thought that rises in the bosoms of us all— What need of sermons or divines, of Butter, Barrow, Parry ? O Lord, we know that Thou art great, for Thou hast made the Bailie.” THE RIGHT HON. GEORGE DENMAN. LATe ONE OF Her Masesty’s Jupoers. (An Unrhymed Sonnet, ) “Nor a great lawyer.” Well, that may be so: I care not greatly for that parrot-cry. Here is his portrait, on my study wall : Integrity and Dignity sit there, A wise Experience and Thoughtfulness, Firm to rebuke the Wrong, uphold the Right. Perhaps I trace a wearied, far-off look About the eyes. Nay, you are wrong, my friend, Iam not much imposed upon by robes. Forget the office! Think but of the man, Kindly and cultured, stately, gracious, true ; Robed or unrobed, a man to be beloved! Come, now, I'll cap your sneer with one plain word, There sits a truly noble Englishman. Curious Facr.—The special correspondent of the Daily Tele- graph at Cherbourg says, that the officers received the Czar “lowering their swords with the points to the ground, in salute.” Had the officers lowered their weapons and simultaneously directed the points towards the sky, the situation might, indeed, have been more striking than that described by the eminent word painter. OpservaTion By Our Man or Lerrers.—“ Great wits jump— on one another, when they see their individual ideas simulta- |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Ocroser 17, 1896. Before luncheon I ventured to remonstrate earnestly with JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. my entertainer, Mr. Bagsnotr, Q.C., concerning the extreme By Basoo Hurry Bunesno Jassersez, B.A.) | severity with which he chastised a juvenile sporting hound of : ’ | his for such trivial offences as running after some rabbit, or No. XXV. | picking up slaughtered volatiles without receiving the mot Ur. Jabberjee permits himself to make a most unwarranted attack upon a | d’ordre! diati upuished fellow contributor, and to criticise the Editorial dis ” Listen, honourable Sir,” I entreated him, = to the voice of retion with considerable freedom. After which he concludes the | Reason! It’s the second nature of all such canines to pursue thrilling account of his experiences on a Scotch moor, greatly to his | vermins, nor are they at all capable of comprehending the Why wn glorification. and Wherefore of a shocking flagellation. If it is your wish that May I humbly be permitted to commence this with the | this hound should play the part of a Tantalus, forbidden even to personal explanation ? touch the bonne-bouches with his watering mouth, surely it is The gracious and patronising readers of this periodical must | possible to restrain him by a more humane method than Brute often, very properly, have experienced sensations of profound | Force!” disgust and disappointment to find almost every alternate number| At this mild reproof Mister Bacsuort became utterly rubescent, murmuring excuses which I did not catch; and 1, perceiving that this object lesson of kindness to animals from an Oriental had strongly affected all the shooters, patted the hound on the forehead, consoling him with some chocolate I carried in my | cartridge sack. We picnicked our lunch under a stone wall, and I, becoming 'an hilarious, rallied my companions unmercifully upon the |solemnity with which they had marched in cautious silence, land with stern countenances as to attack some formidable foe—and all to slaughter sundry braces of inoffensive grouse- birds—truly an heroical sort of undertaking! To which Hon’ble CummErsuNp replied, with his utterance |impeded by cold pie, that 1 might congratulate myself on | having kept my own hands unstained by any grouse’s gore. | “True, Mister Ex-Judge,” [ retorted, “but as you have already testified,” (here 1 hoisted his own petard at him rather | | ingeniously,) “I am more an au fait in the extermination of ele- phants et hoc genus omne, and have hitherto reserved my powder | and shot for a stag or some similar monarch of the glen. How- | ever, after lunch let us see whether 1 am not competent to kill, | or at least maim, one of these same grouse-fowls, faute de | mieuz ! A repartee which excited uproarious laughter (at Hon’ble C.’s expense) from all the present company. Subsequently, we were posted in a row of small fortresses constructed of turfs, to await what is termed a “ Drive,” i.¢., | until some flock of grouse-birds, exasperated to fury by the cries and blows of certain individuals called “beaters,” should | attack our positions. Hearing that the grouses on this moor were of an excessive wildness, I was at first apprehensive that one might fly at my nose or eyes while | was busied in defending myself against its fellows, but the keeper who was with me assured me that such was seldom their custom. And, indeed, such as came in my direction, flew with wings so accelerated by panic that they were invisible before I could even select one as my target, so [ was reduced to fire with con- siderable random. Presently the beaters approached, carrying flags of truce, and we sallied out of our forts to pick up the slain and wounded. After diligent search, I had the happiness to discover a grouse-bird, stone dead, in the heather, and, gee with triumph, called to the keeper to come and see the spoil. On his arrival, however, he said that he could not just think it would be my bird, as he had not noticed any fall in that direction. But after I had presented him with a piece of silver, he did agree that if I chose to claim the bird as mine, it was of Punch completely destitute of a single jot or tittle from this | "0t his place to contradict me, and so in great glee I exhibited pen; in consequence from which my experiences when (at last) |™Y prize to the others, appealing to the keeper (who basely suffered to appear have become totally ex post facto! For this remained sotto voce) for confirmation. | ; dilatoriness the responsible party is not myself. “A devilish clean shot, Prince! Sir CuMMERBUND graciously I am ready at any time to occupy an entire number with my | "emarked; “why, the bird is stiff and cold already!” unassuming lucubrations, which would then be up to their Whereupon I was cordially congratulated, and awarded the date; but of course it seems that, to the Editorial optic, the | tail feathers to decorate my “tommyshanty,” and during the | jejune scribblings of some foreign Mister are of more pressing | 2€xt driving, having now acquired the knack, I rendered several importance, though ludicrously incapable to write intelligible |™ore denizens of the air the hors de combats, though—either | or idiomatic English style, and interlarded with frequent Galli-|0™ account of their great ingenuity in running out of the | cisms of very, very dubious correctness! | radius, or creeping into holes, &c., or else the stupidity of the Far be it from me to raise an international question at a|Tetrieving dogs—their corpses remained irrecoverable. rather difficult crisis, but I must meekly suggest that it is un-| On taking my leave, I expressed unbounded satisfaction with worthy of a patriotic periodical to snub the nose of a cultivated | such sport as I had had, and my fixed intention to assist on British subject by postponing his contributions to those of this|some similar shooting-expedition, and Mr. Bagsnor kindly so-called Avcusts, who is admittedly a mere Parisian French-| promised to let me know if he should again have vacancy for man. I may return to this subject anon—if necessary. Verbum | an additional gun. sat sap. I regret to say that young Howarp, who, having only laid Now to resume the rather arbitrarily truncated account of my | low a couple of black cocks and a blue hare, was immoderately gunnery on Scottish moors. jealous of my superior skilfulness, did seek to depreciate it by “ay presented trophy and treasure-trove to the fairy like Miss Wee-wee.”’

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October 17, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | insinuating that my grouse was one which, having been seri- ously wounded by other hands some days previously, had come up to the hills to shuffle off its mortal coil in seclusion, arguing thus from its total absence of heat and suppleness. | his is the merest quibble, and to travel out of the record, | since, of course, if a bird is at all of a venerable age, it becomes | stiff and deficient in vital warmth long before it is popped off! Moreover, if the grouse were not legitimately my property, why, forsooth, should I be permitted to carry it home? I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss Wee-wee, who was so overwhelmed by the compliment that she entreated for it to be cooked and eaten instanter. As soon as I have recovered a missing link of my fishing-rod intention to catch a fine salmon out of the burn for my en- to strike iron while it is hot and make her the formal proposal | of matrimony. Mister Crum, hearing of my piscatorial ambitions, has, with | almost incredible simplicity, offered to lend me his salmon rod, | with a volume of flies, little suspecting that he will be assisting | me to catch two fish upon one hook! by such a tip-top joke, and can scarcely refrain from imparting it to Miss Wee-wee herself, though I shall wait until I have | | first secured the salmon. I had some valuable remarks upon Scottish idioms and | | linguistic peculiarities, &c., but these, of course, are to be suppressed sine die—unless I am to be permitted to overflow into a special supplement. What do you say, eh, Hon’ble Mister Editor? [Ep. Nore.—Not if Hon’ble Mister Editor knows it !] DARBY JONES ON THE CESAREWITCH. Honovrep Sir,—The mystic veil, which is invariably thrown by cruel Fortune over the result of a big handicap, shall, if pos- | sible, be rent asunder by the old and ever ready seer, whose eye | has lost none of its Réntgen-ray penetration. As you are well aware, Sir, it is at this time of year that many owners, to say nothing of backers, are anxious to provide themselves with | a copious supply of winter keep, and thus it is that “ bottled-up crocks” and “ dark outsiders” may floor the most distinguished members of the Equine Peerage. But now listen to the minstrel, | who lays the oof-bird’s egg : — Oh, beware of the Captain, in seeking one— two, He ’s a bad ’un to beat with his port full in view. Then the Count is a stayer that none can deny, Though to get newly rich someone else means to try. O’er a Kendal-bred dame there are many who But there ’re others who know what will come with a rush. I’ve respect for the son of a pit-owning peer, i guard in the van is a person to ar. Of a chat by the way I am somewhat afraid, And look out for French tricks in the harle- quinade, The chance of a _— coup is too faint ; But the son of a devote I'll link with a saint. There it is, my lords and gentlemen, the secret is ag"@urely discovered as was Tynan at Boulogne. Cheques from teful clients may, as usual, be uncrossed, and postal orders aré ac- | cepted. This latter tip may not be lost upon you, honoured Sir, who have been, I learn, paying a fabulous price for rooms in Paris during the visit of the Czar. Crumbs from your sybarite table are always thankfully received by Your indigent servitor, Darpy Jones. _P.S.—Hope you pulled off my good thing at Kempton, on Saturday. It was apricot jam on thin bread and butter. _[We do not know to what D. J. alludes. Two hours after the Duke of York Stakes had been decided, we received a telegram from Jonzs asking us to back the winner for him.—Ep.] _ A Pace ro Bz avorpep By Tax Royat ArTittery.—Gunners- vary. | (which it seems has been overlooked by Mister Pawnbroker), | and when I have procured some suitable bait, &c., it is my | chanting divinity, and, as I place the fish in her lily-like hands, | I am immensely tickled | FACILIS DESCENSUS. Our dear little Bishop has bought a new bike, Nor recks what the world may say, Over hill and down dale, past hedge-row and dyke, He merrily pedals his way. aw When to visit his vicars on Sundays he goes, To appearance he tries to take heed, But the one thing he loves is to tuck up his toes And fly down a hill at full speed. He can do thirty miles without turning a hair, Yet he isn’t much given to boasting, “Tn the joys of the wheel,” he will often declare, “There is nothing can come up to coasting!” And all of his clergy are going in now To follow “ his lordship’s” lead ; They ’re biking and triking, but none, I avow, Can develop the same turn of speed. Some day, I’ve no doubt—his limbs are so supple He ’\l go for some record or race ; I’ll be bound that he ’ll win, if he gets a fast couple Of curates for making the pace. Horticultural Amenities. Unfeeling Visitor (to Host, proud of his flower garden). Why does that bed remind me of a northern town oft repeated ? } Host (expecting a compliment). Give it up! U. V. Because it is full of lank asters. , [Summons for assault next morning. | “Tue Gattant Masor.”—The much-talked-of—we will not say | notorious, as being, perhaps, a rather unpleasant adjective—the | much-talked-of Major Lormarre finds himself in the situation of the immortal Mr. Pickwick in regard to Mrs. Bardell. Madame van Heoxe is suing the Major for breach of promise to her daughter. Damages, 50,000 Renee If the case be proved, it may show Lornaire as the Gay Lothair-io. The “w” to be added, if he can’t pay. News rrom Norrincuam.—“ Mr. Osponne’s Nurse A won the Sherwood Nursery Plate.” This is quite as it should be, and we hope that Mr. (should it not be Master?) Osnonwr’s nurse will take care of the plate, and see that Master Osnonnz does not break it.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR IVARL [Ocroper 17, 1896.

We on mi 4 Vf y . Wf BVA - = oe which this wild, spin- ning Of misery and mad mirth

” OFF, I suppose.”

| Awakes in every soul whose laugh is not | But social satire of the subtler sort | Mere crackling of dry thorns beneath the pot. Marking the humours heedless of the plot Of our strange drama—FEarth. Gone from the ring of friends to lose him loth ! He brought from two great lands the best of both In one fine nature blent. Lover of English strength and Gallic grace, Of British beauty, or of soul or face, Yet with that subtler something born of race That charm to cleanness lent. Mitiais and THackERAy, master minds, and men Of stalwart strength and health, with brush or pen, To these his love was drawn In stintless measure. Picturing strong and bold, A grip of iron and a style of gold, These the ideals which he seemed to hold From talent’s earliest dawn. Humour refined, if scarce exuberant, wit Unpoisoned, polished, lethal in its hit, But gracious in its fence, Were his possessions ; strength subdued to style ; A generous scathing of the mean and vile, A cingns meme, though wielded with a e For prudery and pretence. A Tuacxeray of the pencil! So men said. His reverence high for the great Titan Put by such praise with ease ;

Was his, too. Not the shop, the slum, the court, | But gay saloons gave quarry for his sport. ’T was in such scenes as these His ee ng Midas, and his high-nosed girl, Were found, and pictured clear, With skill creative and with strength re- strained. They live, his butts, cold-hearted, shallow- brained. In his own chosen walk Du Maurier reigned Supreme, without a peer. And yet, perchance, to those who knew im best, His chosen walk scarce furnished final test Of all he might have been. Who may decide? Success, arriving late, | But shining far, sensationally great, | In a new path, is stayed by cruel fate, As though in envious spleen. | But he had lived, and loved, and nobly wrought, Stoutly eee ought Won friendshi And so, — rave

long-threatening terror love, and fame. Companionable “ Kiki,” by your grave, Your sorrowing comrades ch fort crave For all who bear your name.

eari, | His worldly matron, and his winsome |

ie dear Du Maurier, eer and com- | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocropgr 17, 1896. \ ro Wf A \ii) 4 \ \\\\\ \A\W)\ \\\ \\ \\\ 2 = ZF \ \ \ \\ \\ \\ \\\ \\\ \ ~ \\ \\ SY \\ =" // ™ —_ =—-- “WAITING THE

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a OcroseR 17, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 189 7 Dr. Primrose-bery (the Vicar of ** Wide-a-wake-field,” quoting from diary). ‘‘ FoR THE THREE ENSUING DAYS I WAS IN A STATE OF ANXIETY tO KNOW WHAT RECEPTION My LErTER MIGHT MEET WITH.” Vicar of Wakefield, Cu. XXVIII. ROUNDABOUT READINGS. Mowsizur Exvztar Biaze on “‘ Le Cuasseur Au Culen v’ARRGr.” Onz of those insular prejudices which cause our nation to be so justly beloved over the continent of Europe will have it that we alone understand sport, and that in particular the French are natural fools in this department of human activity. The ordi- nary Briton as he misses his driven partridge or his rocketin pheasant, thinks with contempt of the unfortunate Frenc nation which, as he imagines, knows no more about the handling of a gun or the proper destruction of a bird on the wing than it does about those great feasts of sirloin and steak which, in conjunction with their pale ale, have made Englishmen what they are. In face of this prejudice, it seems almost unreasonable to oint out that at the present time there are probably more renchmen than Englishmen who are passionately devoted to the sport of shooting, and that some of the best treatises on that sport have been written in French. It must be conceded, of course, that there are some French- men who have done their best to pour ridicule on the sporting proclivities of their countrymen. Did not the immortal Tar- TARIN set out from Tarascon every Sunday morning in order to indulge in La Chasse aux Casquettes? Winged game being scarce in the neighbourhood of Tarascon, a cap was thrown into the air as a substitute, and the sportsman who recorded the greatest number of hits, was, at the end of the day, saluted as champion and escorted in triumph back to the town. Still, a cloth cap is probably just as good to shoot at and as hard to hit as the terra- cotta saucer which provides sport and championship cups to our own “inanimate bird shooters,” of whose powers and markman- ship I occasionally read glowing accounts in our sporting papers. I wonper how many Englishmen have heard of Monsieur E.zear Biaze and his treatise on Le Chasseur au Chien d’ Arrét. I have the fourth edition, which was published in 1854, and is adorned with a frontispiece representing a gentleman with a swallow-tail coat and a top hat gazing intently through an eye- glass at a shop window in which are displayed all kinds of cakes, jellies, fruits, and other culinary delicacies. This may be ex- plained by the fact that the book was published “au Dépét de la Collection Culinaire de Caréme,” that this edition of it forms part of a series in which, seemingly, Classiques de la Table, “ces écrits étincelants de MM. Brittat Savanin, Cussy, pe LAREYNIERE, Bercnoux, &c.,” also ap; This, however, is quite in our English manner, for does not every volume of kur and Feather, our latest sporting series, contain a chapter on cookery ? Ir is impossible to wish for a more agreeable companion than | M. Exzear Buiaze. His publisher, in a Preface, justly remarks “Que de gaieté, de verve, de traits incisifs, d’anecdotes semées dans ces récits piquants de M. Exzear Briaze! que d’aimables peintures de la campagne, des bois, des courses & pied! Quelle animation dans cette vie que sa spirituelle plume a si bien retracée.” Indeed, there is nothing stodgy or dull about the treatise of M. Biazx. It is written in a style which is through- out crisp and agreeable, and his advice to novices, even when it is most paternal, never degenerates into pomposity. Here is an extract from Chapter III., entitled, “ Habilloment du Chas- seur.” “In order to disguise themselves as sportsmen,” says M. Buiaze, “our dandies stop at nothing. Pike coquettish women, they have their négligés, which cost more than ball | dresses, and they wear these in the hope that the ladies who see them will lose their repose and their appetite, that their com- ——- will pale, that possibly they will die of it, a thing that appens every day, as we all know. And then, when they have seen the ravages caused by their costume, when a wan and leaden colour has succeeded to the rosy tint on two beautiful cheeks, then these gentlemen triumph. Oh, the scoundrels! Poor women, I pity you! Those who are most beautifully dressed for shooting are always the least skilful. The handsomest game- bags are always nearly empty. I affirm this as the result of constant observation.” This chapter contains some admirably sound advice as to shooting costume, and winds up in true French style with some reflections on the style of dress that best fits a man to win the affections of his lady-love, and the conversation which is best calculated to charm her. “Relate to her, here and there,” says our author, quoting a friend of great ex- rience, “some adventure in which you have miracu- ously escaped death. If you have no adventure, manu- facture one. Suppose you got up at twelve o’clock, what does it matter? Tell her that you have spent the whole morning on your horse in order to school him, a matter of the utmost difficulty, seeing that the horse is ungovernable. Your beast scarcely ever goes beyond a walk, and can only be induced to trot by the aid of your whip. Never mind! tell her that it has been playing you tricks. n your story with many details. Embroider, always embroider; and endeavour to make her believe that any man except yourself would have been unseated.” Here, for the present, I must leave M. Biaze, but I hope to take him up again next week. THE SULTAN’S SOLILOQUY. Bismittau! One more “Concert of the Powers ”— The Powers of Party—I have now upset! Primeose? Ahem! That prettiest of flowers Will now look yellow with—ahem !—regret. Braconsriei_p loved the Primrose—in a way. Wonder if Satissvry now shares that taste? Perhaps—just now—I should not like to say— GLapsTONE, mine enemy, may regret his haste. Or—can it be—to the Grand Old One’s whim, Like Peter Bell, this Primrose, on the brim Of Party ’s a mere Primrose now, to him? At the Albert Club. First Member. Me and my Missus run over to Paris to see the Czar, an Second Member (who means business). "Ere, ’Anny, drop the Czar and let’s come to the Seizervitch! _ ] o i [Motion carried nem. con. AT THE ELYS@E. American Lady. Say, why have those magnificent footmen got “FF. F.” on their buttons ? American Gentleman. Out of compliment to the Czar. Félici- tations Frangaises, of course! |

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LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 17, 1896, DESIGN FOR A FAURE-POSTER | In which the President may sleep off the fatigues of recent exciting scenes SPORTIVE SONGS. A betrothed Swain is distressed by the knowledge : that his Fiancée, a damsel of rure pedigree, is / * familiarly known by a zoological appellation, (ITE Your family is one whose name Is old and well-renowned ; Its sons are always known to fame The British empire round ; Its daughters have by Nature’s charm Moved Puritans to tears And by their beauty could disarm Licentious Cavaliers. To-day prevails the self-same grace ; This comeliness is fast! So surely must each winsome face Be heirloom of the past. Each lad—of him why sing the praise? He does not need my word While cutting for himself the bays By vigour of his sword! In short, my muse could never tire To sing of yours and you; The simpiest minstrel might aspire To strike a chord so true! I’ve read of doughty “ Digue-en-bac,” Who fought with CHarLes Marte! Harotp nicknamed “ Hack-and- Hack,” At Agincourt who fell. Such heroes went from sire to son, Like stream from fountain head For ages, once the race begun, for years and years they led! So, too, their ladies music made Through centuries of crime, And even kings have disobeyed, Fair monarchs of their time! In England, as they did in France, Each dame or damsel shone At court, or chase, in play or dance, A goddess and alone. And so the legend runs to-day, For like must be as like ; And you can hold me with your sway When “ scorching” on your “ bike But then, there always is a fly Within one’s cup of bliss, And now I’m going to do or die— My statement plain is this. Baptismally your name is JANE Kate Vivien! Infra dig. I hear you called with rage and pain By all, “The Guinea Pig”! Of in Paris. OUR BOOKING-OFPFICE, In Sir George Tressady (Smitu, Eiper, & Co.), Mrs. Humpury Warp has dealt in masterful manner with a difficult task. She has for her dramatis persone appropriated contemporary personages, and has avoided personalities. My Baronite knows (or thinks he knows) the principal people who move through this story. Yet so cunningly are the colours mixed, so deftly is a left hand moulded on a figure where one is looking for the familiar right, that Mrs. Humpury Warp is justified in regarding with inno- cent stare of surprise any who label her puppets with other names than those she pleases to hang round their necks. The closest portraiture is that of Lord Ranpotepa Cuurcaiiy. In shesteal dutaits Mrs. Warp is careful to make Lord Fontenoy unlike the original. But those personally acquainted with the Leader of the Fourth Party, who ended by being Leader of the House of Commons, recognize how faithful is the study. They will remember a confession Lord Ranpo.tra was rather fond of making at a time when his intimate knowledge of public affairs and his absolute command of the intricate forms of House of Commons procedure were the marvel of mankind. He protested that when he first embarked on political life he knew nothing. “Absolutely nothing,” he repeated, clenching one hand, and twirling his moustache with the other. “You forget,” says Mrs. Warp’s Lord Fontenoy, in conversation with Sir George Tressady, “that I learnt nothing either at school or college. When you left England the only financial statement I could understand was a betting-book. I knew no history, except what one gets from living among people who have been making it. I could not understand the simplest economical argument, and I hated trouble of all kinds. Nothing but the toil of a galiey slave could have enabled me to do what I have done.” There is our dear GraNDOLPH to the life. One other portrait, drawn with inimitable skill, is a pillar of the Libe Party, who, in the novel, is ticketed Lord Marwell. Here, as in the case of Lord Fontenoy and Lord Ranpotpa CHuRcHILL, points of physical identity are carefully eschewed. But there is the pal the grand simplicity of his private and public life. These are merely sidelights on a novel cleverly constructed, admirably written, abounding in human interest. The Oxford University Press possesses, and liberally employs, the art of endowing familiar books with fresh charm. Mr. Henry Frowpe has taken in hand the Poets, serving them up in what Mr. Guiapstoneg used to call three courses. There is an edition of one volume, excellently printed, neatly bound, and low priced. Another, printed upon Oxford India paper, hand- somely bound, edges luxuriously gilt over red, costs more money. Finally, comes a gem of bookbinders’ and printers’ art, a miniature edition in volumes suitable for storage in the waist- coat pocket, yet printed in type that makes reading easy. The Oxford SHaxspeare, Scott, Lonerettow, WorpswortTH, and Byron, have already been issued. Now we have the Oxford Burns, the whole poetical works of the ploughman, edited by Mr. Loci Rosertson. Never have these poets been more daintily treated.

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| long before Plan | is nothin | courtyard, facing | which serves for breakfast, lunch, dinner, | conversation, reading, and smoking. That OcroserR 17, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE L 191 ONDON CHARIVARL. A WALLED TOWN. ExTRACTS FROM THE TRAVEL Diary or Tony, M.P. ‘irst Sheet.—A Patch of Old France. Montreuil, Monday.—A rare occasion on which STERNE, pursuing his Sentimental Journey, was inclined to make dis- agreeable rejoinder, was when, standing at the remise door in the coach-yard at Calais, the inquisitive Traveller volunteered the information that Amiens was on the road to Paris. If he had not already snubbed the monk who came to beg alms, he | would certainly have snapped off the nose of his inconsequential interlocutor. ; Hope I sha’n’t run the risk of being snubbed if I observe that Montreuil is on the road to Paris. As I’ve only recently discovered the fact I venture to mention it Hurrying by rail between Boulogne and Paris, we pass Montreuil almost with- in sight. Never look forit. Probably are not aware of its existence, or have for- gotten it. Yet it was on the road to Paris enet times, when Kin Epwarp and the Brack Prince ravag Northern France, won Crecy and Poictiers. In quieter days, Mary een of Scots, journeying from Paris to Edinburgh, slept a night at Montreuil. Even more interesting is the fact that LAURENCE Sterne halted here at an early stage of his Sentimental Journey. “ Mon- trul” he spells it, which is near enough. Sark and I are staying in the very hotel at which Yorick put up, and where he en- gaged La FLEeuR as Pod -servant. The Hotel de France has probably altered little since the day when under its roof La Fizur unpacked his new master’s six shirts and one pair of silk breeches. There modern about the place, not even blankets, as we discovered on the first night of our sojourn. For all bed- clothes there was a sheet, and over that a wadded coverlet, weighing something less than half-a-ton, hoary with age, impreg- nated with the dust of centuries. Bath- room, of course, not to be expected. But in an hotel one does look for a sitting-room of some kind, public or private. Those were luxuries not known three hundred years ago, when the hotel first opened its doors to the passing stranger, and they have not been superadded. Across the e kitchen, is a room has for three centuries met the wayfarer’s need, and if at the end of the nineteenth he wants more he must go elsewhere. When Sterne engaged La Fievr as his body-servant on the famous journey through France, he discovered that his main qualifications for the post were that he could beat a drum and m spatter- dashes. Marre, to-day the maid of all work at the Hétel de France, is as bound- less in range of domestic capacity as La Fizur was limited. She does every- thing but cook. That important func- tion is performed by the proprietress, a lady born about the Waterloo year, with a _ profile curiously reminiscent of Dante, a nice turn for making an omelette, and perfect inspiration in concocting Potage a la bonne femme. Marte does everything else. Is head waiter, only chambermaid, and, I suspect, secretly performs the func- tions of boots. On Saturday, being market day, there is a midday meal called by nous outres an ordinary. Farmers flocking in from the country side crowd the long table. thing that Marie should bring in and serve to the six or eight people living in the hotel the successive courses of déjewner and dinner. The difficulty is added to by the facts that, wet or shine, the dishes have to be carried across the court-yard, and trays, being a modern invention, have not yet been included in the furniture of our hotel. Marre trots backwards and for- It seems an impossible | wards with hands full, and having brought in the various dishes, serves them round. The exceptional crowd of Saturday brings no extraneous help. Marre does it all, and we just wait a little longer for our turn to come round. “And do you get good wages?” Sark asked Manis, finding her filling up a spare moment by flushing and sweeping the stony courtyard. “ Mais oui, m’sieur,” suid Marig, proudly ; mots. Sixteen francs a month SarK makes out to be something less than £8 a year, and muses sadly over the details of his own domestic establishment. The best room in the hotel is the kitchen. “ seize francs par Courtyard of the Hétel de France, Montreuil. \take our meals there, life would blossom into fairer flowers. Low roofed, boldly beamed, the firelight playing on walls flecked by pewter plates, copper dishes, and brass utensils, lished 'to distraction, it is as charming as the dining-room is desolate. | But we must needs live up to our quality. So have our soup and meat brought to us (usually through the rain) into the dank dining-room, carpetiess, gloomy, with long, unlovely table and unresting chairs. ; : | Montreuil is one of the oldest bits of ancient France. Yet its ‘streets present little that is striking in the way of antiquity. This is doubtless due to the circumstance that the town has frequently been besieged, and, occasionally, partly demolished. There are only fragments left of anything, including three churches. One has in this utilitarian age been adapted as a fire-engine station. At one end of the nondescript building If we might only |

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192 [ OcToBER PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL you can trace the beautiful stone work of a window, filled up | with heartrending bricks and mortar. The po jon also seems to have been shot away. Save on market day there is a prevailing ghastly emptiness about the streets. The glory of Montreuil at the end of these many centuries is its imperishable walls. High up the town stands, jutting suddenly out of the plain of Picardy. Le bon Diew made the mound, some two miles in circumference. Je Diable enclosed it within walls, made it a place of arms, round which armies have struggled since the days of Paruirrz of Anjou. Here and there the outer case of the wall is crumbling. Its broad moat is a fat fruit garden. Like another decayed warrior, Montreuil’s helmet is now a hive for bees. Its lance is broken. Its sword is rust. But the massive walls still frown on the peaceful valley, as they did when Henry tHe Firra rode by them on his way to Agincourt, and when, nearly four centuries later, Laurence Sterne passed out of the gateway to come upon the dead ass at Nampont. AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE. BRIGHTON. Dear Mister,—I hasten myself to tell to you the excellent idea of my brother Jutes. He has written to me from Marseille, where finds himself his regiment in this moment here. He is captain, the brave boy. Eh well, he writes to me that, having studied the english language au fond, and being now in voyage in boy—en garcon—I should to write a guide for my compatriots, who visit the Eeolenll La bonne idée! En voyage, en gargon. Enfin enchanté! Therefore, I propose to myself, Mister Punch, to visit some ones of the towns of your country, above all the towns fre- quented by the strangers. I will write my notes, and of time in time—de temps en temps—I will send you of them. Only, seen that I am neither geographe nor literator, these notes will be but the first impressions of a stranger—the instantaneous blow of the eye of a voyage of agreement. He arrives by hazard that I receive the letter of Jutzs at Brighton. It is an excellent occasion of to commence my notes. I have already spoken of some parts of the town. To-day, I visit the jetty, the “Ouestpir.” It is not bad. In effect one could to walk himself there with much of agreement, if only the air was calm. Ah but, this wind of Brighton! On the jetty I find him insupportable. Therefore I go myself away, and after a little walk towards the west I arrive to some pelouses in the town of Hove, where an assembly of persons very well put, trés- bien mises, walk themselves around of a military music. It is not excessively gay, but it is very as he must, trés comme u faut, and absolutely correct. Again, if the air was calm! But by a such wind, holding firmly his hat, bousculé, almost bouleversé, is it that even an English can to be absolutely correct? The hurri- canes of Brighton can even to disturb the calm of your com- patriots. And of same the hurricanes of Hove. For the two towns, which have the air of to be one sole, have nothing in common, except the air—the hurricanes. I have heard to speak of the quarrels between the two, veritable storms in a cup of tea. All lately the english journals tell us how many hours of sun there has had at Brighton, as at Westminster. It astonishes me that the duration of bright sun at Hove is not registered separately. It is incredible that two towns, thus divided, should share one record of sun. He wants of it two Above all at present, when one sees almost not one sole ray of sun either at Brighton or at Hove! While that I hear the music, suddenly the rain rebegins. And see there all the ladys and misses, so well dressed in robes so gay and so charming, are obliged of to run, to throw themselves into the lugubrious interior of the “fly” of Brighton—ah no, of Hove, but it is the same thing !—and in fine when there are no more of “ flys” to seek a shelter at the door of a house. And in England you have not the coach door, la porte cochére, and by consequence there is not much of shelter. Me also, having | yielded to some ladys the “ fly” which I had caught, I refuge my- self under a portal. It is a droll of road at Hove, two roads, | twins, separated by railings of iron. At Brighton there is one wide road at border of the sea, but at Hove there is of them two. | They lqve the railings of iron at Hove. They are very droll and | very stupid, those railings there. But in fine perhaps I prefer | Hove, although the grass grows in the deserted avenues so | ridiculously wide. At least one finds not there a melancholy | Campo Santo in cast-iron, or a ruined jetty, as at Brighton. That evening there I resolve to make le lendemain a little ex- cursion outside of the town. I regard my map and the journal. There is some excursions in steamboat. Bah! By a such wind, } Wikyin | : | bel | A, Wa el Le Ni mae A POSER. ** FARMERS ALWAYS GRUMBLING ? WELL, SUPPOSIN’ YoUR PIGS WERE DOWN WI’ TH’ Fever, AN’ YOUR SHEEP HAD GOT TH’ INFLUENZA, IF vouR CROPS WERE DROWNDED IN EIGHTEEN INCHES 0’ WATER, AN’ vourn RENT WERE OVERDUE —WHAT WOULD You po?” ‘I? I’p Give IT UP AND START A GoLF CLUB!” The remembrance of the traversy from Calais to Dovers suffices me. There is some excursions in bicycle. Again, no! There is for that too much of wind and too much of rain. It rains, as one says in english, the cats and the dogs. It is therefore very appropriate that I see now the awnnounces of a “Dog Show.” It wants but an exhibition of 2ats for to show us al] that which has fallen from the sky. Then there is some excursions to a certain place called the “ Devil’s Dyke,” a hole in the hills. But how a hole can he to be a dyke, une digue? It isan error. It wishes to say “ Devil’s Dig,” that which the devil has dug, creusé. Eh well, is it that he is worth the pain of to make a voyage on the hills, in a “ fly” of Brighton, by a such wind, for to see a hole, even a great hole? Again, no! Ca ne vaut pas le diable! In fine the excursions in railway. If I was at Nice, and that he was falling of the rain so continually—that which would be impossible at Nice—I would file, filerais, direct upon Monte Carlo. It is not that I love the play, for I lose alldays, but in fine I amuse myself to regard the players, and if one loses a louis—eh well, one is not ruined! But near to Brighton one finds not a Monte Carlo. Tiens! See there on the map a town, at almost the same distance, also on the sea, Vorting. No, Worhthing. Parfaitement! C'est bien ga, that is well that. To- morrow to Worhthing. Agree, &c., AvGustTE. Tre Daily Graphic, last Saturday, showed the Czar, CzaritzA, with M. and Madame Favre, standing in front of the Royal Box at the Comédie Francaise. The title cf the picture ought to have been “ Faure ina row.” There is no orchestra at the Francaise, otherwise the overture, in honour of the President and his wife, should have been in “Two Faure time.” From an Irate Hovsenoiper.—A consistent believer in the main chance. The gas company’s inspector.

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Martell’s FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. EERINCS WEDA MEDAL CopENHAGEN (HERRY BRANDY. “The Best Liqueur. . THE e “PASTEUR” (Chamberland) Fy LTE R. “The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.”—Barrish Meprcau Jovrwat. “A real preventative of water- borne disease.’’—Laworr. To be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers, or from the Makers. & DEFRIES & _, 147, Ho UNBDITOR, Lowpox, E.C. BRACES. Note: None Genuine unless Mark ACARIC” Uf all Hosiers and Stores every- +. 1. Ment post free om receipt of Postal Order ‘ ¥ Dept.,6, Philip Lane, London, E.C £0 REWARD — =-Bagen rs demanding Acarics, and a traces not bearing the trade mark . to communicate a, x Wholesale of WHiCH 80) CO 15, and 17, Cheapside, » E.C., and all Hosie ery y and Drapery Houses. MAkGE — MAGNESIA. IDITY or rue STOMACH, HEARTBURN, ‘FADACH RB, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. old throughout the World. rdec 6 ie _ Plate Powder “ki tie Istiole tor’ Chcentng ‘piven, ALS. Plate, @c. SIX GOLD M | fold everywhere, im Romen, la, 2s- 6d and de, 64. —_—_—) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocropsr 17, 1896. LAZENBY’S a 1 Ee BEARS THE WELL KNOWN LABEL “The New Coffee. ‘Delicious, and enjoyed by thos 0 who can n take no other.” PEPTONISED MILK AND COFFEE. A Doctor writes :—* As near perfection as one can desire.” In Tins, 2s. 6d. and 1s. 6d. Obtainable every where. SAVORY & MOORE, London. BORWICK’S HOWARD Horse Rakes, Mowers, Straw Trussers, Fodder Presses, Oil En- gines, and Portable Railway. poe BEDFORD. Baking Powder in the Word. 5 © Ploughs, Harrows, Haymakers, “THREE CASTLES” CIGARETTES. Mild and Fragrant. Manufactured from the Finest Selected Growths of Virginis. |THE THREE GASTLES” TOBACCO, MILD AND FINE CUT Green Label), specially adapted for Cigarettes. MEDIUM STRENGTH AND COARSE CUT Yellow Label, strongly r ded for Pipe Smoki Both kinds are soid in \-0:, and 2-02. Square Packets, and }-Wb. Patent Air-Tight Tins, W. D. & H. O. WILLS, Limited, BRISTOL and LONDON. a* >. LIQUEUR OF THE “0% CHARTREUS:. ee ome jous Liqueur hi as come o much inte pu wile fey ount of ite wonder nat , s 3 throv ane uutthe Kingdom Sole eneigt , OYLE, 35, Crutched Friar . London, t “APENTA” THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers Prices: 6d., Is., and Is. 3d. per bottle BSINTHE PERNOD FILS. APPETISINC. REFRESHING. STIMULATING ASK FOR PERNOD FILS ABSINTHE (THE BEST BRAND.) ESTABLISHED 1805 Ai ali Bars, Hotels, and Wine Merchants Agents -A. CEES 6. 18, Chaussées D'Antis EPPS'S CRATEFUL—COMFORTING COCOA Torturing Disfiguring SKIN DISEASES Instantly Relieved by A WARM BATH with GUTICURA SOAP And a Single Applica- tion of GUTIGURA The Great Skin Cure Bold throw out the world, ond expecially merican ’ d chemiets ewe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroper 17, 1896. | has by its excellence COLD MEDAL, Health Exhibition, London. “ Benger’s Food established a reputa tion of its own.’ Brit. Med. Journ FOOD For Infants and the Aged {nvalids “Retained when all other foods are rejected. It is in. valuable.” London Medical Enjoyed by Young and Old. BIRD’ CUSTARD POWDER nly delicious Custard, but an end- f delightful, dainty dishes. NO TROUBLE! NO RISK! 18 THE FINEST TONIC IN THE WORLD. Over 21900 Tes timonials have been received from Medical Men. Six Gold Medals. Sold in Hotties, 2/9 and Provides not :e38 Variety NO ECCS | Manufacturers COLEMAN &@ 00.1 4. Norwich and | ondon ESTABLISHED 18%. The most reliable preparation for cleaning and brilliantly lishing Brass, Copper, Tin, Britannia Metal, Piatinold, ete. dan be obtained retail everywhere. Sole \.anufacturers1— JOSEPH PICKERING & 80N8, Sheffield. Office St. Gronas'’s House, Eastcugar, 8.0, C. Brandauer & Co's |, Circutar-Pointed Pens. GEVEN PRIZE lens Write as Emoothly as a T ead Pencil. Neither Seratch nor Spurt, the points being rounded by a special process. Assorted Sample Box for 7 stamps from the NIRS DOYOU SPELL S Works, BIRMINGHAM. the | standard of highest ** Represents purity at present attainable.”’ -. Lancet. cocoa _—| NO ALKALIES USED (as in many of the s0-| called “ pure” Foreign Cocoas). -— Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. %, T Lom . Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, In the County of Middlesex, at the Printin Dard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars. in the City of London, and published by him at No. %, Fleet ®treet, in the Parish of St. Bri Offices of Mesars. Bradbury, Agnew. & ©o., Limited, ie, City of London.—Sircavar. October 17, 196.

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CADBURY'S COCOA

“APENTA > « ie) 4 > kK og i) >\- W Qa Wi = 9 a a 3 a

)) THE BEST NATURAL APHRIENT WATER. Under the absolute control of the Royal Hungarian Chemical [nstitute (Ministry of Agriculture), Buda Pest. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers, Prices 6d., 1%., and 1s. 3d. per bottle. SoLeE IMPORTERS: THE APOLLINARIS COMPANY, LIMITED, LONDON. wy

re N} a - “A ra ZAKS ~“.> i bi in Wi ~ ' i lay I " h Ss | « Sy iW tht if A oS Ps €- 5 ema SR i we 7 Seen fer VotAly 4 SE SSS ; IN 4 Ni is / N. f } Mil fy ULE Scone SANE Al Wilf Meh Ova OR AL vig cag is Mi Y Sq. ——

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper.

LONDON. __

“ Represents the Standard of highest purity at present attainable in Cocoa.”—Tue Lancet. PRICE THREE PENCE.

any description. will in no case bw ret there will be no ex a3 Tue or Pictures of To th rapper r, or W wVT> and Addressed Envelope a Stamped panied DY ommunications or Contributions. whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings comy Cc when ac tea even not 6a” NOTICE.— Rejec

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Octroper 24, 1896. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. heoumulated Fund, 8 Millions Stg. NEW REDUCED RATES. WITHOUT PROFITS. EDINBURGH,3,George St.(Head Office). LONDON, 83, King William Street, B.C. 8, Pall Mall East, 8.W. DUBLIN, 66, Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies in India & the Colonies, MAPPIN & WEBB’S SPOONS & FORKS, PERFECTLY SIMPLE. SIMPLY PERFECT. Pocket Kodak A dainty little camera, weighing only 7 ounces. Can be slipped into the pocket, Makes pic.ures 1) X 2 inches Loaded in daylight —n0 dark room pecessary. Achromatic lens, with three stops. Improved rotary shutter always set for time or instantaneous exposures. View finder. Counter. Complete with roll of film tor 12 exposures, £1 Is. EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd. ntg-tt7 Oxford St., London, W. Write for descriptive pamphiet post free “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE | Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities, from whatever cause arising. | For ~~} Scurvy, Eczema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Diseases, Pimples and | Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- | vellous. Tt is the only real Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes the caus from the blood and bones. Thousands of wonderful cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2s. 9d. and Ils. each, of Chemists everywhere. } (Chamberiant) F-J_TE R. BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. SCRUBB’S ssceciaia AMMONIA MARVELLOUS PREPARAT Refreshing as a Turkish — Invaluable for all Toilet Purposes. Splendid Cleansing cee rey for the Hair Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing, Etc. mesteres the Colour to Carpets. Cleans Plate and Jewellery. 4 1s. Bottle forsixtoten Baths. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Etc SCRUBB & CO., 32b Southwark Street, S.E. 4 MANUFACTURERS OF 'SCRUBB’S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP SOLID SILVER ROAD | SKATING wrrw’ The Finest Stock in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREB. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, Show Rooms: |], REGENT ST., W. (Apdsoin ine treasoecorie Comprar.) THE ‘‘PASTEUR” Practising Galoon for Ladies, Attendant. “The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.” —Bririsa Mepicat Jovgwat. “A real preventative of water- borne disease.”’—Laxycer. To be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers, or from the Makers. J. DEFRIES & SONS, - 147, Hounsprrcn, Loxpos, E.C. ao CAN BE SEEN AND TRIED AT THE SMOKE THE CELEBRATED , ROAD SKATE Co.'s show rooms, tf PIONEER” . 271, Oxford Street, W. SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD. It Rhy. uires a little practice ou the NEW BR ROAD SKATE to enableanyone who = never had on a pair »f skates to attain pro- ficiency, and be able to skate on the roads at any speed up to 16 miles an hour. tea eect meena *AL+LAAAAGLD MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lto., AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL. >. SER Z ee THE ONLY SAFE NICHT ke LICHTS. Seld everywhere. ‘ And retailed by all fi class CLARE'S PYRAMID @ PAIRY LIGHT 00., Ltd, tobacconists at home and abroad. Cricklewood, London, N.W. S. & H. HARRIS’S HARNESS COMPOSITION (Warearnoor). SADDLE PASTE Factory: London, E ~~ A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. FOR TAMAR constipation, of Appetite, Gastric and Intestinal Troubles, GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, S.E. MACNIVEN & CAMERON'S PENS at come as a boon and & blessing to ckwick, the Owl, and the Wareciey Pa” THE FLYING J PEN. 64. ae Waverley Works, EDINBURGH, For Delicate Children, | SQUIRE'S HEMIGAL FOOD. In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 6d., & 6s. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS amp STORES, xv or | SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. i i hh i a hh a i i i i i i i he i i i i i i te Heemorrhoids, Bile, Loss if N D I E N Headache. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 28. Gd. A BOX. FOR PLEASURE AND PROFIT. Nothing so profitable and easy to grow. 80 Acres of Saleable Trees, Packing and h with order. rs per doz., 6@O/= per 100. Adi other Nursery Stock carriage / mPOTS From 15) a doz. Ornamental Trees, 01 Acres, A Superb Colvection of | Herbaceous Plants. Four Keven of Glass. Clematis (80,000) from 15 -dot N.B.—Single Plants are soldat | slightly increased prices. CENERAL CATALOCUE | (Over 170 pages) of Nursery Stock. | artistically uced, « ontaining some hundreds of illustrations, and full of valuable informat oa, free on receipt of 3d. for postage Please mention this Paper+ RICHD. § SMITH & CO., WORCESTER. A DELICIOUS SMOKE. MURRAY'S soot MELLOW Mixtur. (BELFAST.) OLD RIPE TOBACCO. 80 Years’ Reputation as & Genuine Tobacco of the Highest Quality.

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ne Ta

Octoper 24, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

193

ting to m Vaverley Pee

PEN. d ’ | \) i | COMMON OR GARDEN RHYMES. ron) | A SumMeER-HovsE BALLapE. oo 7 HRSEETMERTID) | oir cus or shower to fercely beat, NBURGH } (ibe ge TOF Where ts in spring-time penetrate, ildren miu ts)" Yet not a breeze in summer’s heat— In storm or sunshine al! unmeet

| i Dhl MT \ + +

A bower for whispered lovers’ vows. If your Amanpa you would greet, I cannot praise the Summer-house. ‘ie coon s ou i ing feet, Remember Mr. Tupman's fate, And where he sought retirement sweet | . Then choose pe eee strategic seat, ou possess the nous, dne that ensures a safe retreat—

| 6s. each, | eB, anvor | | I cannot praise the Summer-house. a And whether old, or “ up-to-date,” ANDoN, | | “With all conveniences replete,” | I hold it, in whatever state, PROFIT. af memes a, and deceit ; tsi ough picturesque or neat, Inside it smells of Coad and mouse, > | : a A whited sepulchre, a cheat— nN | I cannot praise the Summer-house. ible and Envoi. 7, ee — Unpleasant haunt where you may meet o~ = ith earwig, spider, sylvan louse, | = 7 And slug and beetle—1 repeat, | = = > I cannot praise the Summer-house. = = ial = } | = re = : " ¥ J Day. jon | =2 —— le sa "ou 4 (At the Board School.) SS - eae ) Teacher. Now can any boy tell me why ne —————- Nelson’s Column was erected in Trafalgar gms ; Square P 5 2 Johnny Grimes Gnpmetiatiie). Please, USANDS. _ = — a Sir. to ’elp ’im up to ’eaven, when ’e died hee c wen in the arms of the Wictory. per 100. ot ee - OO ad pa A Beav-street Axtom.—I1 faut souffrir ¥ , EVERY POISON HAS ITS ANTIDOTE. pour étre Briu. = & GOz, | = oie eens 1 Acres, ’ : i 1 the beggar’s rant n of I’ve read him backwards, forwards, and in al . 5 aan PROVINCIAL SKETCHES. There ‘sh not a word I undershtand! A Mashter-mind is Kant! oe | He knows Time a priori he shays. Why, then, alri’. we sold No. VI.—OUR PHILOSOPHER. Kant’sh clever man, dem clever! "Fact, a Mashter-mind, apne | hoe Beant, ag tisemmtatss pre Tene, tangs Put hee ‘side me. There ’sh clock, you shee, stuck up behind Containing A “pets : the bar. ustrations, An ancient coat grown greeny-grey by years of sun and rain, e elit forma! 9 Hands crossed on back. brow with thought fixed Now I can’t even shay for shure how many hand shere are. — 7 upon the far, ; i. ; _ At aa, shpeaking roughly, I should think there ’sh three ESTER. | Thee ae bs. Pacer rset prem Eo = But when I shtudy queshtion there ’sh conshiderably more. OKE. | A apiclinows odour, too, is wafted down the street, I ar Time; but Kant knowsh Time without a blessed And bearded ore ng -- feel ee ene. By chim le appercepshun or shome transhendental bosh. j " Tine, Sheds and Time! Whah Tiox , i Kant. We Ish wonderful! Mosh wonderful! That feller Kawr’sh a brick! | oking know it a priori? . " * © | Take my advice and read him. He’sh a good ole Mashter hi a ene ey aaer Ma, ae, " . Loch, bntitnmeentn, whash is Man? A _ ph’nomenon—no ture, ar = eat es Se ey oe | He cavatch his hour upon the shtage, and then his day is o’er. And if itsh t’other way about, itsh round the other way. ‘a> nothing but a ph’nomenon in Time and Shpache, Miss Whash Shpache? I passed the ‘Shtar’ jush now, and here ’sh the ole ‘Cross Keysh.’ Rum thing! Dem queer!—Yesh, yesh, my dear, my usual, if _ you = My Your health, Missh Kirry! Wish you joy! And blesh your pretty fache!

| And Sone whashu think of Mishter Kant on Time and pache ? « | What! Never heard the genlman? Lose no time, then, for ,, you'll find— d area it wimme dyin’ breath—that Kant ’sha Mashter- | I’ve read him dayanni’, Krrrr, for five-and-twenty year ; I’ve read him drunk on whishky, and I’ve read him drunk on

rise.

pretty ! He’s ph’nomenon! She’s And I’m a phommen, too! All ph’nomena together, laishangemmen, I and you! , and sho ish true! Don’t think I’m trying to | amuse you all. Ish firsh-rate phloshphy!—Thank you, dear! usual!” | Dem jolly ph’nommen, too! Jesh wish the resh were all ash | ph’nomenon ! | | Another of my

_ Sone or tHe Promorzp Pzer.—Baron to bed and Early to |

Morro ror tHe Czan.—Bear and Favre bear.

VOL. C¥I,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Ocroper 24, 1896.

nd for him.” uld be four Not if I know it!” ‘ Return !’ (‘6 o 6 3 z g g & 5 = $ = z =| a : s & 8 E & z sc 3 wo | a | —/ {jee SIE | . = ; 1 - A ‘ 44.\F y — | | VIN N = vey Higlit \ NSH \ | 4 N JA “ en SY /\ j ii M4 Ng = ; Hai / ? ¢ n\\\ a Y Wie LLL RUT —~ sient EHS Wie we — rt dette - e y MEAN \ } Y . 4 it ) = te i yvniee S ik Papen Lam i é ES em “wy } ; q ty | eg t = ‘SS CINCINNATUS GLADSTONIUS. [It was suggested at a public meeting that if Mr. GLApsTonE NS usin} i \ : \W |

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_ ee + Oe RASS 7 SSE ES MUU ees SUS WU UO UU IGE SALT. . ee ea ee ee Ocrozer’ 24, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ¥ iia ©, 4 WW iN, : pli Hi i ¥% | J Tarr. pM (y! { | , My) (iyi fe uy Ls be “y Hf oy 1 ALLAND. 3 f ies il \l iy, ay" DAMAGED GOODS, dea “A Voie ly a: 4 Ne if } pe le iit iy pie a mit rie th { )/ ’ eat iy hy it AW iy bie), Hi] “} Ir ! Sportsman (invited to help shoot some bucks in Mr. Meanman's park, and has just knocked one over), ‘‘By Jove! WHAT A LOVELY Heap ! You MUST LET ME HAVE THAT FOR MOUNTING.’ Mr, Meanman (frightfully indignant). ‘‘ WHat! cur H1s Heap orF! Wuy, May, iT WOULD RUIN THE SALE OF THE CARcASE!” THE NEW NIMROD. {Mr. Par O’Brren, M.P., was first in at the death the other day with the ‘Meath Hounds on his bicyele, and was presented with the brush. ] Arr—‘‘ The Hunting Day.” “Wuart a fine hunting day ”— Tis an old-fashioned by That I’ll change to an uptodate pome ; id stagers may swear That the isn’t fair, But they ’re left far behind us at home: See cyclists and bikes on their wa And scorchers their oo _ ay ; ; Let us join the That goes whee! And we'll all go pa ny to-day ! New Nimrods cy ag “ Timber-top’ ppi And “ bull-finches deg child’s play ; And they don’t care a jot For a ga p>? or trot, Though the go a-huntin Foe mks made of pm tt they | There’ >. . The ne vind him and get him away ; @ runs with a rush On rails with his brush, So we must go and chase him to-day. We’ve abolished the sounds Of the horn and the + ™ the Mayet squeaker tha And the pack has been stated Or cent, to fo old Crurr, Now the huntsmen have taken to wheels! | Hairy country no more we essay, Five vars, too, no longer dismay, for we stick to the roads In the latest of modes, So we ’ll bike after Reynard to-day! MUSICAL HONOURS. To all whom it may concern. Com mander-in-Chief Puncn begs to notify that Lieutenant Dan Goprrey retires from the Grenadier Guards with the well- earned baton of a musical Field-Marshal. Commander-in-Chief Punon also wishes it to be understood that Lieutenant Dax Goprrey is henceforth entitled to wear | the decoration (First Class) of the high | and mighty Order of the a, Minstrel. Furthermore, Commander-i ief Puncn | | desires to shake hands literally with a | | palaat officer, whose attack has always | n unrivalled on the field of instru- | mental battle, and to wish him man | years of melodious engagement. F. aN Goprrey is the last man in the world | 2. blow his own trumpet, so Commander- | in-Chief Puncn does it for him. A Worp to Frencn WIskACRES WITH REGARD TO ouR Occupation or Eoypt.— Remember _ the excellent Marshal | MacManon’s saying, “J’y suis, j’'y reste.” | Our = also our cue at this game of | mi Resvut or THe Cas-strike.—That many handsome drivers have become growlers. | A New Name for Party ‘‘ Leaders.’’ (By a Disgusted “‘ Follower.”’) Leapers, quotha? Why, the prospect ’s | infernal ! The Party ’s becoming increasingly like An ill-managed, scrappy: political journal. We’re edited—badly— strike Is —a with far more decorum and Masterdom s not to be hoped for, of but ledf Why, a OUrse ; But when we find neither strong will nor | ity How aa we hope for cohesion or force ? | Swashbuckler, Laodicean seceder— Parties are not to be managed in pets! We bag potshot papers, with never a Though any number of leaderettes. thine October 21, 1805. | (The Right Hon. Anetas Akenrs-Dovo as, born 1851. Guory and honour to Ngtson, | Who the Bi... and the Spaniards | i And in In’ “ Axenrs,”* too, Let each honest True Blue | Toast a whip that has never been clipped! | * Mr. Axere-Dorvoras’s nickname at Eton. | Soca, Purrry Lapres.—Those who try | to collect dirt at the music halls. Tea leaves not wanted for sweeping reforms. |

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LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 24, 1896. PUNCH, OR THE A WALLED TOWN. Exrracts rrom THe Traavet Diary or Tosy, M.P. Pace Il.—A Blotch of Modern France. Montreuil, Monday.—Standing on the walls when the sun has gone down, looking westward, one catches sight, on far horizon, of a couple of lights, so near together that, to Sarx’s fanciful mind, they suggest the eyes of a tiger watching us through the gloom. They are, in truth, the beams of the twin lighthouses on the coast by the mouth of the Canche. Why two, a“ wl ie Le Sportsman. no one knows. There is nothing like them on any coast. A from duality, they are cosily built, well inshore. Instead of their base being sea-washed they are set in pleasant gardens, where are grown the best pears for miles sanell Between them and the sea there is space for a en. Paris-Plage it is called. Vittemessant, the creator of the Paris Figaro, gave it this name, and it has stuck ever since. Good Parisians before they die buy a patch of sandy soil near the twin lighthouses, and build their souls a lordly house. These are, for the most part, fantastic monstrosities, the structure budding forth in all kinds of excrescences. nies that will hold nobody; pillars that uphold nothing; towers so unwieldy as to threaten to bring the whole building down; bits of coloured glass wherever they can be stuck. Each iétaire further shows his independence by building his house at an angle obtrusively corner-wise to his neighbour’s. The general effect is as if the ginger-bread contrivances had been shaken out of a Brobdingnagian pepper-box, and left where they had fallen. But they please their owners, and that, after all, is their main object. ‘ tins. Madame, et Bébé come down in the season, bathe in the newest costumes, lounge about the beach, grow ruddy and brown, and believe they are having a high old time. Some | of them are mighty Nimrods. When I was last here, in the | summertime, | was much struck with a Monsieur who strolled about the place from morn till eve armed cap-a-pie for la chasse. A gun was slung round his shoulder. A ealin belt, scarce | concealing a liberal supply of on ee his portly waist. | He wore a velvet coat and waistcoat, corduroy trousers, thick- soled boots, and a very large bag to bring home his game. As far as close observation went, he never shot anything,not even the postman. When he was not drinking petits verres or smoking cigarettes in front of the café, he haunted the beach, sometimes going down to the water’s e. This suggested to me at the time the suspicion that he shot shrim _ By chance, to-day, his secret was disclosed. Walking through the pine-woods at the back of Paris-Plage, we came upon a smal! clearing. At one side of it was what, at first sight, looked like the top of a well. There was a wooden cover, some three feet broad by five long. This, we learned, was our gallant chasseur’s happy hunting ground. Hither he came, in the gloaming o1 | early morning, with his game-bag half full of succulent cabbage | leaves. These he spread about at the further edge of the clear- | ing. Then, with stealthy step, he withdrew to wooden box, | lifted. up the lid, and dropped into a carefully-dug pit, closing the lid upon himself. “For the world,” Sark says, “like Invine doing Zachimo in I n’s bedroom. The front part of the lid does not close level with the ground, thus not only supplying the sportsman with light and air, but leaving loophole through which the muzzle of the gun projects. Presently rabbits come to feed on the cabbage-leaves, and the noble sportsman lets fly. Ah, le beau oper ! Here is its sublimation. Sark, like the late Trocuu, a plan. He notices that the padlock lies on the top of the lid. Good. Next season he will repair to Paris-Plage, will stalk the noble »s . When he has settled himself in his pit and pulled down the lid, Sarx will advance on tip-toe from the wood behind, will uietly turn the key in the padlock, and will withdraw, leaving noble sports- man to enjoy an unexpectedly prolonged opportunity of making a In the meantime, Sark does not want the thing mentioned. Premature disclosure of the plan might prove destructive of its full success. SHYNESS PAST AND PRESENT. THE OLD STYLE. Ptace—Anywhere. CHaractERs—He and She. Time— Yesterday. He. Forgive me for addressing you, but I believe we were introduced to one another by your parents. She. Yes, with the sanction of my grandmother. He. So you will pardon me for taking a seat next you. She. I should be sorry to see you ill at ease, especially as you have secured the esteem of my relatives. My uncle Joxun holds you in great regard. He. I am delighted to hear you say so; but, disregarding your uncle Jonn (with infinite respect), I am most anxious to obtain your own goodwill. I am sure you will give it to me. She. I am afraid that our acquaintance has n so short—I have only known you for the last five years. He. But surely that is sufficiently long a period to get some idea of my character! Pray answer me. She. I am so shy. i He. Then permit me to give you a few moments for reflection. | May I light a cigarette ? She. Tobacco! I would far prefer to hear you play the guitar. | THE NEW STYLE. PLace—The same. CHARACTERS—The same. Time—To-day. He. I say, we don’t want an introduction, eh? She. Why, no! Fancy, too, we have met before! He. Dare say. Guvnor and Mater know an odd lot. She. So does my grandmother! He. Got room for me, beside you ? She. Rather. Hate to see a man looking like a cod-fish, 4s | uncle JACK says. He. Bother uncle Jack! Want you to think well of me. She. Think well of you! Why, I scarcely know you! He. Nonsense. You have been chatting with me for at least five minutes! Come, out with it. She. I am so shy. p He. Then I will give you a pause for reflection. you like a tune on the banjo? . She. Music! I would far sooner join you in a cigar! How would i}

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FrsS hse ll” Cuseens 24, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MISS TWIDDY ON MODERN SHYNESS. [The Daily Telegraph has ‘‘ open ed its columns” to a discussion upon the | startling question ‘* Why are People Shy ? ”’} | Dear Mister Punon,—I’m confident an error worse than clerical Has crept into the statement of this interrogatory. _ I’m shy; I always have been, to the verge of the hysterical, Which I was taught, x years ago, was a young maiden’s glory. | I’m hushful, and I’m blushful, as I was when young and mittenish,— For mittens in my girlhood were the ensigns of the modest ones,— But now that all the maids seem fast and all the matrons kittenish, This query strikes me, truly, as the oddest of the oddest ones! | My sainted mother taught me a Mimosa-like timidity Was maidenhood’s bewitchingest, most captivating quality ; But now it seems as the height of insipidity, _ And rigorously excluded from the scheme of virgin polity. | To blush, to lower eyelids, and to twiddle with one’s toes about The pattern of the t in a fashion feebly fluttery, Is sees: mark of seonkdcvaaie that nothing useful knows about, The stamp of school-girl silliness absurd and bread-and-buttery. | Now girls are bold as—brass knobs, and as cool as any icicle. To ask he | they are shy, then, these young “ misses” imper- | tur e Who smoke, and put on knickers—oh! //—and, yes, bestride a icycle And are, in short, emancipate, smart, up-to-date, uncurbable, | | Is really most preposterous! As well ask why a porcupine | Is sleek and saponaceous! If you share the modern girlishness, | To emulate the masculine in play as well as work you pine, In billiards as in business, evening “nips,” and early-purl- ishness | Shy? Goodness gracious!—Only they’ve small goodness and scant graciousness, These girls, whose “naked egos” are now advertised ob- trusively— | That’s a “ psychologic phrase,” although suggestive of “ owda- ciousness Cd ¢ | To those. whose early training left them “ ladylike” ex- clusively— | Amidst the modes and s, manly customs, unsexed crazes, Of—my nieces and their “ she-pals.” I feel “shy,” and even giddy ; | But to apply that word to them—as poets do to daisies— Fits—well, hke “up-to-date” applied to, Yours, r Matitpa Twippy. DARBY JONES NATURALLY ELATED, | Honovursep Srr,—Was I right over the Cesarewitch or was I | not? Did I give the straight tip or did I not? Are your readers not now rolling in gold or are they not? These | plain and simple questions are best answered by Fact. Yes, Sir, in giving them St. Bris I laid low, but came out at ten _to one. Is there any prophet in the United Kingdom, who could boast of the same record? Iam well assured that not one was in it with yours truly, and I am confident that you your- self, mistrusting the advice of some gutter-snipe of the turf, did not plank your hard-earned doubloons on a rank impostor like | Phebus Apollo, a disreputable towel-horse, whom I never even named in my diplomatic despatch to your Napoleonic columns. But my second string, Piety, was fourth, and under other circum- stances might have run third. I was truly glad to see the Prince of Waxes in’ time to salute the Ditch—*“Ditch dien” ought to be H.R.H.’s motto—Lord Roszsery seemed none the worse for his discrepancy (a political word of mine own) with the Ill-Liberal party. e e of Westminster, despite the coloured collars, which he insists upon wearing like | the late Duke of Hamiiton, is always above the dead level of | Armenian atrocities, and made the Duke of Campriper smile | with his anecdotes of Rampion, who would not take his little - between his teeth for the Duke of York Stakes at Kempton | ar Newmarket always reminds me of the Maze at Hampton | Court. You never know where the races begin or end. I love the stewards of the Jockey Club for their lightheartedness in this res even more than I respect their determination that no one but the judge can possibly find the winner up the hill. | | i Ue 7 YOO ae Mamma. ‘Tuere! I'VE DRAWN A DEAR LITTLE Doo, a Dicky BIRD, A Pussy CAT, AND A PIGGY-WIGGY ; WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DRAW Now?” Effie (after due consideration). ‘‘A LITTLE GIRL BEING RUN OVER BY A CARRIAGE AND Pair!” , When a man-backer (I take no count of females) thinks that his own porte meey nes — alge _ vee oe number of some despicable quadruped,, whic n actual crawling beside the Bi is oisted on the ! Can suc things be, and a man afford new,socks for the winter? I know not. Nevertheless, with my pockets moderately garnished with a saintly benefaction I hope to brave the “battle and. the breeze” of Christmas. In your esteemed wire you ask “ Have you anything good for the Cambridgeshire?” Yes, Sir, I have at present the name of the animal, which shall not be revealed. Suffice it to say that the prize shall not go East or West or North, but South, in the humble opinion o Your fervent admirer, Darsy Jones. P.S.—At Newmarket, always expect to meet “loo-sers.” Verb. sap. 0. K.. (By ’Arry.) O. K. indeed! That’s tidy cheek, I say! That clever Roosian Iydy they may call so. (For Ores Novixorr is dubbed O. K.) But she attempts to prove, in ’er sly way, That Roosian Policy is O. K. also! She’s orful hartful and a stunning talker, But when she sez O. K., wy, I sez “ Walker!” New Name ror Same Tuino.—It is proposed for the name of “Dynamite” to substitute that of “Tynamite.” This informa- tion does not come from France. The Sultan’s Proverbial Philosophy. Tuoven England on “humanity” tly dwells, Give her an inch, she'll take the snelles |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Octoper 24, 1896. / il / j I, | l - THE LAST CONGRATULATION. Fair Guest (who, having had a desperate flirtation with the Bridegroom a short time ago, account). ‘‘ WeLL, ALGEY, IT's ALL OVER Yow! AREN’T YOU PLEASED!” wouldnt be absent from the Ceremony on any [Uncomfortable position of Algey. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. For a clearly-told and alluringly-excit- ing story, which can be read within the limits of a continuously wet day, or on | the evening of a fine one, FLORENCE Warpen’s /nn by the Shore, published by Jamrotp & Sons, can be confidently re- commended. The locality of the incidents will be recognised at once by any one ac- quainted with that portion of the south- | east coast where grazing fields, lying be- tween the monotonous road and the sea, are gradually merged into such extensive flats of sand and grass, varied by occa- sional undulations, as delight the heart and exercise muscles of the deter- mined golfer. The heroine is a charm- ingly puzzling personage, who so gains upon the honest readers sym y as to make him hope against hope that she will ultimately escape from what ap) to be the just retribution awaiting her crimes. Whether that sympathy is deserved, or wasted, it is for the authoress to tell, and the reader to discover. Should any of the Baron’s friends, anxious for a day’s quiet, seek any place in this, or any other, neigh- bourhood close to the melancholy ocean, he will not do better than to make the ac- quaintance of FLorence Warpgn’s Inn by the Shore, where there is as good enter- tainment to be had as the most hungry novel-devourer could desire. “Never was man better served with” horses of various descriptions than was the | young rattletrap, Hugh Peters, the plural- |named Puritan in the stirring, or rather galloping, romance entitled A Puritan’s + ufe, wrt by one Max PemBerToN, and dashingly illustrated by Master SipNEy Pacrt, or Sidney Full-Page-it, as ali his capi drawings are of this size. It is such a Romance of Multitude, a regular | slashing, hacking, cutting, banging, crash- | ing-through-w , scouring-country (until it is clean), sword-thrusting, fisticuffing, brawling, plunging, lunging, struggling, g ing, owning, with success- pepe, pera a romance, as Master Max and not a few other writers,—he of the Golden Spur, for example,—love to write. Odds bucklers and carbines! but it needs all the relief that the love story of a gentle girl can give to the tale, in order that we may have a few moments’ lull. The heroine is an oppressed, thwarted, but ever a damsel, and though she gives the name of A Puritan’s Wife to the novel, herself play- ing the “title réle,” yet is her part not so rominent as is that of the Puritan wife’s | Puritan husband; nor, indeed, is she so |much in evidence as are the friends and | | enemies of the Puritan wife’s Puritan hus- | | band. But, Messieurs the romance | readers, the Baron, humming “ Suoni Ia | |tromba” from I Puritani, doth recommend | to your notice the work heartily. Ye can | | procure it at the sign of the Casszrt & |Co., and thereto setteth the Baron his sign and seal, B. pz B.-W. THE CYCLING GOVERNESS. I no longer teach my classes Their SHaxsPesre and the glasses, And the uses of the globes, as was my custom ; But all they ’ll learn from me Is to ride the iron gee— All other lessons utterly disgust ’em ! The girls no more will meddle With the painful piano-pedal, : They'll only oma 4 the pedal of their “ Humber ” ; Like their grannies, they begin At an early age to “ spin,” But the road it is their spinning-wheels | encumber. So wheeling now my trade is, And finishing young ladies In the proper kind of bicycling deport- ment ; | blue, I’m nearly finished, too And battered black and For of falls I’ve had a pretty large as | sortment ! A Zoological Error. Mr. Barney Barnato has presented President Krucrr with a brace of marble lions. What the eminent financier really meant to give was a couple of other ani- mals, well known on ’Change, a bull and a bear, only, unfortunately, they broke loose previous to shipment.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrongr 24, 1*°9%, af ree erieees (iin yi) , NI \N \N\\\ ih st A ANS AY ‘ , N\ NY NI - 4 ! if \ Re ge aay, ig yy i \ NG —— “ PLAYING PATIENCE.” Rosepery (the Hermit of Dulmeny, log.). “THEY MAY SAY IT’S A DULL GAME, BUT AT LEAST IT DOESN’T WANT A PARTNER!”

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ee a Ocroper 24, 1896.] ee re ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA

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MUSICAL NOTES. (** The bagpipe threatens to be a fashionable in- strument in London this winter.’’—Daily News.) Certainty the reproach sometimes urged against us that we are an unmusical nation 1s in a fair way to become obsolete. The number of concerts given this winter beats all previous records, and most of the music performed, whether by professionals or amateurs, is of the very highest class. Ox Thursday, for instance, at Lady CLaPPERCLAW’s soirée musicale, the or- chestra of amateur snanspe queers distin- guished themselves greatly. The orchestra consists of twenty-seven members, and the drawing-room at Clapperclaw House is

Valea

yy <-% pare as » 80 ; oe me gions gained was simply stu us. ew the audience thought that the fortissimos were almost overdone, but these were cap- tious persons who had forgotten to place cotton-wool in their ears, an elementary precaution always to be observed before attending a modern concert. On the other hand, a distinguished foreign mu- sician was overheard to remark with great emphasis that mo such performance was even possible in his own country.

A reaturE of the Duchess of Marcatr’s reception on Saturday was the magnificent trombone-playing of Miss ALamopg. This talented young lady played with such suc- cess that all the electric-light giobes in the room were shattered, and several of the audience were deafened for life. Charmingly pathetic, too, was Herr Taumporrsky’s solo on the big drum; indeed, tears stood in many eyes at the conclusion of his performance. Now that the older musical instruments are falling into well-deserved neglect, it is interesting to find how y well- known artistes move with the times. Sefior Sanasate’s penny-whistle recitals have been crowded, and there is sure to be a full house at his next concert, when he will play the whole of Don Giovanni on that delightful instrument. Not to be outdone, on the following day Herr Joa- cum will ren the overture to Tann- hduser and the choral phony with the assistance only of a comb.

_ Amonest the new music recently pub- lished we would ially commend a rh of Twelve Morceaur for the Bones, essor Viturers StanrorD, which | are provided also with a tambourine obbli- |gato, and The Wanderer’s Return, a stately triumphal march, specially written | by Doctor Hupgrt Parry tor performance | | |

on a latchkey. Sir ALEXaNDER MackEn- ziz’s new work, Israel’s Lament, a sym- phonic overture arranged for an orchestra of Jew’s harps, will be produced, we understand, at the next Birmingham Festival. Many complaints have lately been made of the unsatisfactory character of the Diétionaries of Music now in use, which sapply hardly any information as to the musical instruments of the day. How- ever, this ignorance will be partly reme- died for those who attend Professor Briper’s historical lectures, which are doing a great work for the musical edu- cation of the public. The next course will begin on Monday week, and will deal with “The Structure and Development of the Barrel-organ.” The lectures will be illus- trated by performances on the instrument under discussion, given by M. PapgRewsk1, Herr » and others,

CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. (For Ladies only.) Dearest Erneninpa,—“On ne badine pas avec l'amour,” says ALrrep pz Mus- set. Ah! hew regretfully do I recognise the truth of the poet’s adage. When 1 recently told you of the capture of poor Lord ArtHuR RanTIroLe at the Spa of Scarborough by the female who is unhap- pily privileged to call herself his wife, | mentioned that the unlucky fellow was re- duced from leonine resentment to sheep- like docility by the mere mention of the name “Jones.” Which Jonms? Aided by an astute employé of Mr. Ropzs- END, the celebrated private detective, I have discovered that this Jonzs (I might say, our Jonzs) is a betting man with whom Artur has _ been rash enough to lunge into turf speculations, nat y to his financial embarrassment. The Femare (I can call her nothing else) having discovered this fatal secret, ingratiated herself with the man Jonzs (probably he is a blood re- lation), and, whenever in want of funds, she has produced him like a god out of a bathing-machine, as some Latin author remarks, to his temporary discomfiture. Talking of bathing-machines reminds me that an admirable substitute for soap is a mixture of cigar ashes and crushed apples which I have registered under the title o “Pom-Nic.” Demand it at all confec- tioners and bookstalls. Mr. Ropgsenp, who served with distinc- tion in the Peruvian army, says that Jonzs is as hard as a Brazil nut—by the way, I can give you an excellent receipt for a purée of Brazil nuts, and will do so later—and that, if AnruHur does not settle his liability, he means to have “his lord- ship warned off every course in Christen- dom.” This sounds like an Armenian atrocity—but I gather that unless the sum of £2,660 is paid to this implacable Jonzs, my hero will have to suffer peine forte et dure. This must not be, onl eh, ike an- other Joan or Aro, I have resolved to sacrifice my little fortune (left me, you will remember, by my godmother, Lady PoxEspown), for the rescue of my Guy Lrvincstonz. Joan v. Jones. Mr. Rorgsenp says that I am behaving like a real lady, but his praises fall from my ears like water from the feathers of a teal or

widgeon. A pro of widgeon, roast it with cayenne cay onions, star gently into beetroot sauce, i ounces of delicate -herring-roe jelly, and serve hot, with ca to follow. Ropesenp also states that I must not see ae = , (dl - amg lan- guage) “ loggo,” having (Dieu soit bént!) Pan. | momentarily the persecu- tion and presence of Jonzs and the Fr- MALE. In my conduct I know that I am both wicked and immoral, but que voulez- vous? I shall earn the praise of Grant ALLEN and Saran Granp. I will let you know how my scheme “pans out” (dear ArtrHur’s expression). We have moved into a new flat, and I must say that the Art wall-paper in my

boudvir, illustrating Macautay’s Lays of Ancient , is worthy of Wattzr Crang. It can only be obtained from—* At the Stores you can now buy the new Kamtchatkan ry, made from Siberian rabbits. A i ital way of dressing —~1 sants is to stuff them with larks and sau- sages, and baste, while roasting, with Burgundy. The original flavour of the bird by this process entirely disappears. Serve with and garlic sauce. J. * No, you don’t.—Ep.

Tue Musto Hatt Licencres.—According to the report in the papers last Thursday, Mr. Coors (surely not the resentative of the musical Coore f of the “Coorm and Tinney” band, which it was most unfair ever to term “Tinney,” being “strings and wind”) opposed the licence for which the Palace Music Hall had ap- plied. Cotte que cotite he was determined to oppose it, was Coorg; and ultimately, when ting the licence, our unfortu- nate Soorn was actually told by the Chairman how they, the magistrates, through him, their chief, regretted he (Coorg) should ever a ecg J his strong opinion against the living eau illustrating “Za Source.” Who can ob- ject to nuda veritas? Ladies and gentle- men visiting the Empire find no fault with “La Source.” And what is “La Source for the Goose is La Source for the Gan- der.” So why complain? Svuccration To Mopgrats Lisgrars.— The formation of the Primrosebery League. Plantagenets, or old with new faces, wa

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocrongsr 24, 1896. A Srupy or Four PHILANTHROPIC AND USUALLY PgACEABLE LITTLE GENTLEMEN, WHO ARE PREPARED, AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE AND IN THE TEETH or Evrorg, TO FORCE THE PASSAGE OF THE DARDANELLES, OCCUPY CONSTANTINOPLE AND ASIATIC TURKEY, DETHRONE THE SULTAN, AND Ricut THE WronGs oF THE UNIVERSE AT THE POINT OF THE BayYonerT! AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE. On THE THAMES, Dear Misrer,—I am not gone to Worhthing, for the day where I wrote to you I received a letter from one of my friends, who inhabits Goring, inviting me of to render him visit, there where I could see the Thames. Ah, the fine occasion for to make some notes for my guide! I have already seen the Thames at London, at Richmond, and at the Lock of Boultaire. Ah, how it is gay the sunday—even the english sunday—that to see to pass all the adorable misses and the brave misters by the Lock of Boultaire! But until here I know not Goring. Therefore very volontiers, volunteerly, I make my mail—je fais ma malle—the morning, I go to the station, I make to put an etiquette for Goring on my ages, and I demand if there ia a train direct. The factor—facteur—responds that yes. Then I obtain a ticket of to go and return, and I part in the train for Goring. find that Goring is enough pretty, even when the season of the canoeing, canotage, is passed. It is true that one sees not the |adorable misses and the ravishing colours of their robes of | dominates After a time incredibly short, in arriving at a station, I find | that it is already Goring. A la bonne heure! Very content of to arrive so quick, I descend and I seek my friend, whom I will name Mister X. He is not there. Eh well, it is equal to me, something has prevented him, j’irai chez lui, I shall go at him. So I demand if Mister X. has sent a carriage. tor says that no. Then I demand where lives Mister X. The factor knows not the name. Nor another employed no more. Nor the coacher of a fly. Nor the chief of station. In fine I seek the letter of my frend, and I show to them his name. “ x “7 ery themselves all, “that is Goring on Thames!” “ Eh well,” I say, “and what is this that this is that that?” ‘This is Goring, Sussex,” respond they. After some time I compre- hend that there is two Gorings, and that this one here is not that one there, the Goring of my friend, and—name of a dog !|— in fine I return to Brighton, and I go to London to the station of Victoria, and I traverse London to the station of Padington and at Padington I entrap the last train, and, all épuisé, I arrive to the other Goring after a voyage of the most longs and of the most annoyings—ennuyants—a voyage of all the day in omnibus trains. And this by a cold, ah but, a cold! However, in fine I arrive, and the to-morrow, le lendemain, I jat Charingcross where the bri | When the summer, but en revanche, in revenge, one sees the beautiful tints of the leaves of autumn, red and yellow, on the hill of Stritly. She is very well situated, the hill of Stritly, and the landscape. Goring and Stritly are two ancient villages, united by an ancient bridge in wood, very picturesque, with a mill to water at side, of which the artist painters make all the days some pictures. I admire much your english villages. Even in the houses of the peasants one sees a little of the english comfortable—le comfortable anglais. And all the villages ave the air of a garden, the little houses surrounded of trees and of flowers. My friend Mister X. fears that the ancient bridge may be un peu usé, a little used—ah ne, you say “worn out.” misfortune if he should be replaced by a bridge in iron! Ca se peut, may himself, for even at Venise there is a bridge in iron of the most detestables, but I hope that not. With a bridge in iron the river at Goring would be absolutely y, a8 ugly as he is e of the railway, traversing the the quai, of the Embankment. not to resemble to the quay of of the Thames is charming when the sun shines. y is grey and he falls of the rain, that which arrives so often in your country, she is a little sad. And when there is some inundations, and the inhabitants of the riverain houses are obliged of to rest at the first—rester au ag use the rez-de-chaussée is full of water, I believe that the valley of the Thames is a little humid. Agree, &., AvausrTE. river, destroys all the beauty The lock of Goring should London. The valle The Meat and Marriage Markets. A MARxKET-RETURN from Porkopolis reads : — “ Ribs pressed for sale and closed weak.” Yanks are smart. But this seems a fitting account of the deeds Mothers do in our own Matrimonial Mart ; For the phrase would apply with a fitness quite funny To daughters tight-laced, and then married for money!

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| Ocroper 24, 1896.] PUNCH, SPORTIVE SONGS. (A fond but foolish Lover rejoices in the decadence of the Season.) I 1x to see the lif it leaves Come ae > a om. Wh wallows qui co eaves To warmer leis and sunshine bound. I like to watch the year’s decay— A melons subject that— And think of things of yesterday— The while the rain goes pit-a-pat. The bracken browns beneath the pine, The mast is winnowed from the Seoah, The creepers make a thin red line, And shed the blooms we could not E’en daisies born ef Michaelmas, Upon the earth are lying fiat, Nasturtiums stoop to meet the grass— The while the rain goes pit-a-pat. Across the heath the lapwings wail, They know the time of joy has fled, And mourn beneath a sky too pale The sunsets that were rosy red. The misty cloak is damp and cold Tt scares the ever-greedy bat. Who fears to leave yon tower old— The while the rain goes pit-a-pat. And vet T love this dreary scene, This picture of the dying year, That tells of what the world has been Before the trees were gannt and sere. | For Time despises day by day— A leveller. a democrat— Ard T urhold his iron sway— The while the rain goes pit-a-pat. Oft in the days that are no more T longed to live. But what avail To hoard snch wishes in my store, When Hope is but a fairy tale ? When many an autumn long ago My ark was wrecked on Ararat, You could pave saved me then, you nw j— Meanwhile the rain goes pit-a-pat. HOSPITALITY. (Found in an Imperial Diary.) _ Monday. — Reception, déjewner, recep- tion, review, banquet, concert, reception, Their friendly hospitality delightful. Bed —in train—1 a.m., reading de- spatches. Tuesday.—Rise 7, in train. Reception, breakfast, procession, reception, déjeuner, drive, receptions, visite, interviews, drive, reception, dinner (such a dinner!), rece tion, opera, reception, despatches. Well- meant hospitality rather fatiguing. Cut reworks and opera; rather tired, A.M. W ednesday.—Rise 6. Despatches. Break- fast, reception, visits to churches, palaces, &e., &e., foundation stone with verses, steamboat trip, visits, Mint, Institut, more verses, concert—cut short concert— banquet, reception, theatre, &c., &c. Hospital: y tiring. Bed at 3 a.m. Thursday.—Rise 5. es, break- fast, reception, picture ies, drives, &c., &c., da capo, with variations. Hos- Pitality awful! To bed at 3.55 a.m. Friday.—Rise 4. y worth going to bed. Despatches. banquet, Final Re- ception, train—off! Rest at last. To bed, utterly exhausted, at 9 p.m. Their hospi- wy — ch save me from my friends! TLLIAM of Germany is the only man who could stand it. They should invite him. e r Src fc, ’ LONG TO RAIN OVER US! Bill, “‘Be’r stint A RAININ’, Sam?” Sam, ‘“‘ AH, THAT IT BE; AN’ NOT LIKE TO GIVE OVER, NEITHER, POWERFUL ‘EAVY, IT ‘AVE! THAT THEY "VE BEEN A CELEBRATIN NOT ENOUGH YET? [** There is a deficiency of rain.” Reports. | Pour down, oh rain, from sodden air, While at barometers we stare, They never moro will point to “ fair,” Pour down unceasing everywhere ! We envy—they alone don’t care— The in sea. Pour down, oh rain, day after day, Soak sodden man on sodden way, Soak sodden horse, and sodden hay, Soak all the land from Thames to Tay, Because—my goodness !|—there is a Deficiency ! Meteorological Morro ror A Massevse.—There’s noth- ing like rub-bish. ‘‘They Manage these Things,” &c. Bumbleshaw (reading from daily paper). During the Czar’s stay, 6,000 policemen, out of a force of 8,000, were constantly on duty, each man doing fifteen hours service daily. Grumbleshaw. That’s what comes of en- tertaining a despot! il we, the down-trodden ratepayers, will have to pay for this gross truckling to | imperial vanity by a free country ? Duntiahew. ot unless you happen to have property in France. Grumbleshaw. In France! What d’ye me umblesha Only that the paragraph u w. t the refers to the guardians of liberty, equa- lity and fraternity in Paris. [Collapse of Grompizsnaw. BIN A COMIN’ DOWN | Wy, I pip EAR SAY AS IT’S BIN 80 BAD UP IN LONDON THE LONGEST RAIN ON RECORD!” | And I suppose that

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LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoper 24, 1896. | with them I advise rather to be behind than in front of them. Such fellows lose their head at the sight of a partridge, a hare | makes them dizzy, a pheasant throws them into convuisions, | They keep on firing, no matter how, and their neighbourhood |is very dangerous, and the best plan is to keep out of shot of |them.” Any young sportsman, however, who reads M. Braze’s chapter on “The Pheasant” might well be excused a slight |tremor at the sight of this bird. This is how it opens :— |“But here is the king of game-birds! the pheasant! At this name a sportsman’s eyes glitter, his heart beats faster. Listen to him! If he speaks of his exploits he does not pro- nounce the word pheasant like any other word. With a certain lightness he mentions the partridge, the rabbit, the hare; but when he comes to the pheasant his mouth is full, the two syllables are broadly articulated. He emphasises each of them so that you might fancy you hear two words joined by a hyphen.” I recommend this method of pronunciation to country-house parties. But in whatever way pronounced, the pheasant in M. Buaze’s day was not easier to stay than he is now, for novices are told by him that when they shoot at a pheasant they must in thought separate the body from the tail :—“The Baves many a pheasant; it deceives novices. None of, the pellets that hit it count. A shot in the tail scatters many feathers in the air, and one imagines the bird is wounded. Not at all Like the fox in the fable, the bird has lost. ite tail in the conflict, and is no whit the worse for it.” Tue above advice is, of course, elementary; but the book is full of cunning hints, not merely for the improvement of a man’s shooting, but also as to the best method of bringing various animals to bag, and as to the training and treatment of dogs. “No man ought to lend either his wife, or his horse, or his dog,” says M. Braze, but he proceeds to recount how he himself, being endowed with a magnanimity out of the common, | once pushed that quality to the extent of lending Médor, the | illustrious M édor, to a friend, Médor, the best of dogs; and that, an hour afterwards, Médor came back alone, having left his | sportsman on account of a succession of six bad shots. “A dog | | | hunts for his own pleasure, much more — ‘ca ours. — him if you want him to amuse you.” An vy the way, I may ' ud , , AFTER THE FETES . mention that I never yet met a French dog who was not called First Citizen. “SAY THEN! WAS IT NOT A FINE CHANGE To cry | either Médor, or Phanor, or Azor, or Belphégor, or “le vieur | ‘Vive w’EMpeEREUR’ FOR NEARLY A WHOLE WEEK, INSTEAD OF Stop.” a a = ‘Vive LA Répvsiiguve’t” ——_—————— Second Citize “ ’ iT ! + 7 TOD T 7 pend CHR, | Ee, ME GRATE, IF Wd Seay SaeneeENs THE CONCERT OF EUROPE. | AnD 80 NEW! I'M HORRIBLY BORED WITH ALWAYS CALLING OUT ‘Vive LA Rércsiigue’!” [ They smoke and consider. Rvssta’s first fiddle, France bassoon, = And England the big drum ; But when it comes to any toon, ROUNDABOUT READINGS. The lot of us are mum! : Monstevr Exz@ar Biazeion ‘‘Le Cuasseur au Caren pv’ Arrét.’ “ yh ow poset ether oot ntti M. Buaze, I should mention, was not only a keen sportsman, We are a happy concert troop, but he had been a soldier, and had fought in the armies of the We are, we are, we are! great Napotron. Here and there in his pleasant book he — scatters anecdotes of his military life, which agreeably diversify At a Dog-Show. the narrative. And it must be admitted that he by no means forgets the maxim in which he lays it down that one of the chief duties of a story-teller is to embroider. At the end of | his chapter on the hare he gives an account of the finest “ chasse aux liévres” that has ever, according to him, taken place in the =— memory of man. “There were four hundred thousand of us, — _ Frenchmen and Austrians in equal numbers, engaged in the CLEARING THE ATR. sport, which took place at a little village called Wagram, a few | miles from Vienna. The plain was covered with hares; at every ten steps several started in front of our side. Our muskets and our cannons alarmed them dreadfully, and away they ran in the hope of escaping. But further on they met two hundred thou First Fancier. That’s a well-bred terrier of yours, BiLy. Second Fancier. And so he ought to be. Didn’t the Princess of Waxes own his great grand-aunt! Wirs party missiles flying, With wild shillelaghs blent.; Armenia slowly dying, The Suttan well content ; To “clear the air,” by speeches, sand Austrians, who were in no joking humour. So back they | Is well. Yet must we pray came to us, and squadrons of them were to be seen running For him, more wise, who teaches between the two armies. A charge of cavalry, which | England to “clear the way.” _ in no =e intended for them, would put them to rout. a ey pierced our ranks, passed between our legs. We killed | s “ them with sword-cuts, with bayonet-thrusts; we took them| THe Poetry or Bustwess.—‘The Lady Loch” and “The alive. On that day we saw a great slaughter of men and of | Forrest King!” Do not these names sound like the title of hares. A hare killed made one forget the death of a comrade; romantic poem? Yet, they are but the names of two gol it was like farce after tragedy. How many bullets, intended | mines, and poems are not invariably “gold mines” to their for the enemy were shot at these unfortunate hares! Never | authors. a has so great a number been seen, never before have so many | : been killed That evening, after the battle, nearly all of us | At Chalons. supped on hare. (Did not miss his opportunity.) Hzne is some advice which will come home to the heart of | Energetic Bonapartist (at last at liberty), Vive ’Empereur! many a British sportsman :—“Be very careful,” says the saga-| Police Official. It is defended, Sir! cious Buazz, “of young shooters. If you are walking in line| ££. B. But I only cry forthe Czar! ([P. 0. takes a back seat.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocropsr 24, 1896. DUTY, NOT HAPPINESS, IS THE TRUE OBJECT OF LIFE. What Commands the Admiration and Homage of Mankind ?—Character and Sterling Honesty of Purpose. THE FATHER OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. ‘BOOK THAT FOR ME.’ short time by the use of your valuable ‘FRUIT SALT,’ to which I owe my present health at the very least, if not my life itself. Heartfelt gratitude for my restoration impels me to add my testimony to the already overwhelming store of the same, and in so doing I feel that I am but obeying the dictates of duty.—Believe me, Sir, gratefully yours, A Conrona, 19th Hussars AN INCIDENT IN HIS FIRST CANVASS. Tell ‘im to CHALK his NAME-on the COUNTER, and your FATHER shali ask his CHARACTER If I were asked to account in a sentence for his great popularity, I should say it was his great urbanity, his fidelity to true Liberalism, his love of independence, and his un- impeachable character. During his first canvass (about sixty years ago) Mr. Villiers and two friends entered a small shop at Willenhall that had been left in charge of a young girl. On learning their business the damsel shouted upstairs, ‘Mother, here’s a gentleman as is come for father’s vote for Member of Parliament.’ To this a voice from above made answer, ‘Tell ’im to chalk his name on the Counter, and your FATHER SHALL ASK HIS CHARACTER.’ ‘Thank you, ma’am,’ shouted the candidate; after which, turning to his companions, he said, ‘ Book that for me; I am as certain of it as if it were already given.’ RUSSIA'S ADVANCE TOWARDS INDIA. CONVERSATIONS WITH SKOBELEFF.— Bokhara is a wretched place to live in.’ Accord ing to his account, the Khanate is so unhealthy that a RUSSIAN OCCUPATION is ONLY POSSIBLE by the Aid of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT.’ ‘ We ought to be friends. . . . Why should two European Powers quarrel over a few Asiatics ! WE OUGHT TO BE FRIENDS. WE STRONGLY WISH 1T,.’—The Russian Advance towards India (C. Maavin), p. & GYPT, CAIRO.—Since my arrival in Egypt in August last, I have on three occasions been attacked by fever. On the first occasion I lay in hospital for six weeks. The last attacks have been completely repulsed in « It is Pleasant, Soothing, Cooling, Health-Giving, Refreshing, and Invigorating You cannot Overstate its Great Value in keeping the blood Pure and Free from Disease. —“I have recently returned from Australia and New Zealand, where I enjoyed perfect health, owing, I believe, to my always having ENO’S ‘ FRUIT SALT’ in constant use. I was glad, up country, to pay 5s. per bottle to get ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ in pref toi ti offered by Chemists and Storekeepers at lower prices For sea-sickness it is invaluable, and in nearly 100,000 miles of journeying I have always had it near me, and felt safe from fever, blood poisons, &e,—Yours faithfully, 8. A. J." HE GREAT DANGER OF CHILLS, FEVERS, WORRY, BLOOD POISONS, &c., &c.—ENO’S ‘ FRUIT SALT’ assists the functions of the LIVER, BOW ELA, SKIN, and KIDNEYS by NATURAL MEANS; thus the blood is freed from POISONOUS or other "HURTFUL MATTERS, the Foundation and GREAT DANGER of CHILLS THERE IS NO DOUBT that, where, it has been taken in the earliest stages of a disease it has in i ble instances PREVENTED | a SEVERE ILLNESS. Its effect on a disordered and feverish condition is SIMPLY MARVELLOUS. It is, in fact, NATURE'S OWN REMEDY, and an UNSURPASSED ONE CAUTION.—Ezamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT.’ Without it, you have been imposed on bya WORTHLESS IMITATION. Prepared only at ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ WORKS, LONDON, 58.E., by J. C. ENO’S PATENT. USE ENO'S “FRUIT SALT.’ { MPORTANT TO ALL. EVERS, WORRY, BLOOD POISONS, &e. ‘Martell’s WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT’S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. DELICIOUS—COM FORTING. Ask for aartee and coat t be put off with kes. CAR LTON « rT) = * LIQUEUR OF THE Weer eee 9 ~ > ° * E*, 0 CHARTREUSE. This delicious Liqueur, whieh has come se much into public oe emt epeese uNtof ite wonder ¢ ful properticsol aiding iige estion reventing Dyspepsia, can a *) ba oow had of all the principal Arn Wine and Spirit Mere heats targe ho * ihe Kingdom Sole Consigne 8, %, Cratehed Pridre, London, & ( Megistered Trade Mark “& MORDAN & CO.” FEL {) {OU R CHILDRE) pL: RIDGES ATENT COOKED FOO tk, and bo WRIGHT S sis ce al 7 COAL” Sold only in 1-oz. Packets, and 2, 4, and 8-oz and 1-lb. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in ‘ ¢ O1StASES Canee TAR. Ae Fine Smoking Condition. ten ocd NAVY CUT CICARETTES RICHD, Ses & “ 4 and 25, HART 8T., BLOOMSBURY, W. Sold by all Laapine Mencuamrs ~" a” TABLETS 6% ] - $2, gut Beaspesntenat 24, 60, and 100. Ales cupuees to new ” packed m Pocket ) containing 16, and in es

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“NICOLL. OUTFITTER. LADIES’ TAILOR TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. 114 To 120, REGENT ST., & 22, CORNHILL, LONDON. PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. 10, MOSLEY STREET, MANCHESTER. 39, NEW STREET, BIRMINGHAM. 50, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL THE LARGEST SELECTION OF MATERIALS IN LONDON. GENTLEMEN. LADIES. 1 yee Overcoats of excellent material} Autumn a sner from £5 5s., in original and ufacture ny £8 18s. 6d. OveEr- rng and materials quite unc obtainable else- co oats ie all seasons and climates ready for | whe immediate use Suitings « of Homespuns and Riding — for the Park and Hunting. T — in new and o original colourings. Special makes for Colonial wear Fine Saxonys for Frock Coats. M91 s Cycling Skirt, £2 12s. 6d., the New Autume Overceatings. atest and most s mple | in use — . I ______ aes "PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _ CHARIVARL. —0cro OBER 24, 1896. ———e “The New Coffee. Delicious, and enjoyed by those who can take no other.” | 7 S&S Sy THE LS > PAYOURITE vA ENCLISH PEPTONISED MILK ANDO COFFEE. | Nature's Choicest. A Doctor writes :—“ As near perfection as o —_ In Tins, 2s. 6d. and 1s. 6d. nable everywhe | SAVORY & MOORE, zemaen. > sees] PaCKHAM'S (BORWIGK’ q, HOWARI DISTILLED WATER. | ix the Manufactory, Croydon. World. go om BAD OF PER or TITABLE WATERS The best BEDFORD. CHEMIS Fyough Harrows, Haymakers, eng: 8 R. "MOVENOEN & SONS, | 458 MADS Wis + mer © Rakes, Mowers, Straw i rane oor s. Fodder Presses, Oil En- gines, ond Portable Railway. A strong skin will stand strong soap with strong scents, but delicate skins require delicate soaps with delicate Perfumes. Why harden, wrinkle, and | wither the face with the first soap offered in the shops? PREMIER “VINOLIA” SOAP agrees with the most delicate, sensitive, irritable skins, | and is exquisitely perfumed with the choicest of scents. It has received the highest scientific award. Price 4d. a tablet. VINOLIA CREAM (for Itching, Face Spots, Eczema), ls. 14d. and Is. 94. VINOLIA POWDER (for Redness, Roughness), Is. and 1s. 94 Printed by William Stuart of No. f,. - ~

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ake oee THE we rae NTE oom GOR D ON oe Lord WARDEN MOTEL, "DOVER. HOTEL METROPOLE, CANNES.

n, will in no case be returned, To this rule there will be no exception. Any daescriptio or Pictures of er Vrawings SATURDAY. Cover, or Wrapr AN; — a] = Ny : 7s = Noe - wy ity OA . , |Zo= M Gbps F a!

Registered ai the General Post Office as a Newspaper EVERY MS.. Printed Mater M7 N° 2886. 7 VOLUME PUBLISHED s, whether on ES bee HY 0! IX 1 — Pure VT OTAIV 4 ae ea ST A> | PRICE THREE PENCE. 0 not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Adcressed Envelope

6a” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contribut

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON.

CHOCOLAT MENIER 5<%e«

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P CHATTO & WINDUS'S NEW NOVELS. | SIK WALTEM BE*ANTS NEW NOVEL, THE CITY OF REFUGE, i 20» | Sceareares ae 6 — a was “we kno * | the characte siremath and each ia An oti snew anes toms | e of his most We choula he —s a 4 f th ir “alters pen does not prov popalar Daitt News MR. AUSTIN DOBSUN'S NEW ht EIGHTEENTH CENTURY ViGust7ES THI KD BERKIBS. By Ac ". &« Sv0o, buckram, gilt top, 6 ROBERT BARKS NEW hOuUK | REVENGE. By Kopert BAgR, | Author of “ A Woman Intervenes,” &c. With | 12 INustrations. Crown #vo, cloth, 6 MKS. CROKER S NEW BOOK N THE KINGDOM OF Senay. Pag uA, aen, Author of “ Diana iugt wa *vo oth, 40. td NEW THREE- “AND-SIXPENNY NOVELS, THE REVOLT OF MAN. by A LIFE INTEREST. By Mrs. | HEART OF OAK. By W. CLarKx JERRY THE DREAMER. By DEVIL's FORD. By Brer THE PROFESSOR'S EXPERI. MENT. By Mrs. However youne LOCHINVAR. By J. B. Mevpocs LoxG ODDS. Suan MADAME SANS-GENE. Founded on the Play by Saanvoe gons OF BELIAL. By Wituiam PR. RUMSEY'S PATIENT. By L. T. Mesow and Comroazo Hacirax, M.D “Tan onl i lable story These who like an exciting story of incident and mystery will find one in this volume —Srescea CHATTO & WINDUS, in, st . Martin's Lane wc By HAWLEY BRACES. Note: None Genuine unless Mark “ ACARIC ” tal Me one ~~ and Stores every w here, or sent post eipt of P cota Order for 4s. to“ P Dept., . “Phil ip Lave, London, B.C md REWARD. — Buyers demanding Acarics, and - other Hraces not aring the trade mark jad Acarics, ate requested te com co _ ith above address. Wholesale WELCH, MARU EBON & CO, WW, 6, and 17 Chenpelae, Lamdon, E.C., and all Hosiery and Drapery Houses. fe Wieck Wandie, S 08 Ivory Hendle, Ts. 64. A Pair ory Handles, in Kussia leather case, fla From all Perfumers and Dealers. Wholesale: Ossoane, Gana the Trade | 158 to 162, OXFORD ST.\ W,, 2, QUEEN VICTORIA ST.,E.C. (Facing the Mansion House.) ennnanads « THE ROYAL WORKS, NORFOLK ert, & Co., London, W. | &, UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —OcTOoBER 3i, 1896. $$$. “APENTA” -|THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. | Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices: 6d., 1s., and 1s. 3d. per bottle. Sole Importers: THE APOLLINARIS CO., Lro., L(NDON. HIERATICA Nore Parer, 5 Quires, ls. Court Envelopes, ls. per 100. Thin, for Foreign Correspondence 6 Quires, 1s. y= Note, 5 Quires, ls. 64. Mourning Envelk opes, bn per 100. Of all Stationers, or send stamps to Hicratica Works, 68, Upper Tham: , London SAMUEL BROTHERS, 65 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. WEDDING PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, show tor: 12, REGENT ST,, W. Brow (Jacket and Vest) for boy of 8 years, 19/ ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE and PATTERNS free on application. WORTH et Cie. it (Under Royal Patronage , SPECIALITE »CORSETS — Megistered Trade Mark. Sore Throats ‘You cannot do better than gargie with “CONDY.” Sir Morell Mackenzie, MD, (Consulting Physician to the late Emperor of Germany ) Gargle wn CONDY’S Remedial FLUID. Prrs o CRATEFUL— COMFORTING department for for every ¢ Corset ONLY ADDRESS: 134, NEW BOND ST., W. Noconnection with w of Paris. DOUBLE- ACTION 32 CAL. POCKET REVOLVER with ejector and solid frame, is the latest and ey ay revolver made. it supersedes al! others free. COLT’S PIREARMS CO., Cireus, London, W. LONDON. lilastrated Price Lists Post Free. = STREET, SHEFFIELD, “§. MORDAN & CO.” | | For ACIDITY or rue STOMACH, HEARTHURS, COCOA| 21 suisse Sev. Ajeceio,. and 26%: pain, al Ee) ypt. Christmas cruise, Dec pi > stantinople. Athens, &e. Lectures by Sir Lam. - rt LL. my The Archdeacon of Manchester Pe ce, Mahaffy, Lanciani, Canon Tristr ls, Secretary, 5, Endsleigh Gardens N 7 ORIENTAL i CARPETS Sold at Wholesale Prices TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Price List. feos | Pull ‘deta a PATENT DIAGONAL SEAM CORSETS | Will not »plit in the Seam nor tear in the Fabric. ‘The DV el most comfortable core ever made. Laor'’s Pict | Made in White Mlech, ant all the fashionablr Coloon and Shad: s, or Italian Ce oth. Satin, and "Coutil, 411, #11 6/1, 7/11 per pair, and up wards. Sold by pod tw cipal Drapers snd Outfitters in = United | Taaee Goto Mevats. Kingdom and colonies | DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. EADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION Sold throughout the World Strengthens ; also in Golden Colour, 3a. 64., 7s., 10s. 64. ROWLANDS’ to— A. ROWLAND & SONS, 20, Hatrow Gaapex, Lox pov.

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— RRANEAN UN aie ~ includes meee £21 dwys cry , Tunis, Ahiae © Palestine and es by Sir — anchester, Pro IRSETS. [talian Cloth. til, 411, SL pair, and up | | all the Prin and Ladies the United plonies ESIA. ARTHURS, ESTION _who not only regaled themsel | | | | Ocroper 31, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 G Perhola Aim oun at in é ~ wee THE ‘* BIKE” FROM A DOG’S POINT OF VIEW! | THE SCORCHER. (After William Watson.) I po not, in the crowded street Of cab and “’bus” and mire, Nor in the country lane so sweet, Hope to escape thy tyre. One boon, oh, Scorcher, I implore, With one petition kneel At least abuse me not before Thou break me on thy wheel. Fata Ervrgor or roe Eastern Quzs- TION ON THE ToBAcCO AND SHow Trapzs. those manufactured at St. Petersburg or Moscow. A serious deficiency in the régie is co uently anticipated. On the other hand, the Suutan has forbidden North- ampton boots to be imported into his do- minions. It is suggested that a Mixed Commission, nominated by the Prince of Monaco, t adjust this international difficulty. time Europe trembles. “ Hats a Ce by Le Gages composer ewmarket. — “ Ic’ liebe Diteh.” DARBY JONES ON THE CAMBRIDGESHIRE. Honovrgep Srr,—Had I had the privilege of being educated like yourself at a Public School and a University, where the Knowledge of the Ancients is dispensed like Soothing Syrup to the offspring of the Good, Great, and Wealthy, I might be able to grasp that touch of Nature which make all men of the world —— But unfortunately my bringing up was established by Providence amid the grave-to-gay surroundi of a Baked Potato Merchant’s lares and penates. I am not ashamed of my sire’s calling. On the contrary, oft in the stilly night the residue of his ¥ d mage ge A has + sagges tn - Ay substantial supper-breakfast, while the expiring embers is peripatetic furnace have only been equalled in warmth by the condition of my body after he had discovered the loss of those vegetables with which the names of Ratzign and Parmentier will be im- mortally associated. You, honoured Sir, in your Pacha-like sanctum—I can picture you in an old-gold dressing-gown, with fez to match, whirling the luscious ja through your thoroughbred nostrils—will probabl wonder what my early training has to do with the winner of the Cambridgeshire. It is in this wise. Nineteen years ago, on the eve of this race, at the corner of Waterloo Place, my esteemed parent was pursuing his vocation, no longer a tonsliiien youngster, but still almost as fine a judge of a horse as he was of a “spud”—in which latter merit he yielded not to the late Mr. Pappy Green, of Evans’s— when he was approached by two richly French noblemen, ves with the mealy delicacies, but also in handsome style stood treat to many of the Outcasts of | more, then, wi our ever-hungry thoroughfares. When ying for the delicacies one of them asked the name of the Sonehs Waterloo Place,” said my father, “but no offence meant.” “Ha! ha!” cried the stranger, grimly, “always your sacred Waterloo! But to-morrow we shall avenge ourselves at Newmarket. Nevare fear!” My dad was one of those ine individuals who would have taken a tip from a broken-down billiard-marker. What did he do? Sold his entire business the very next morning in the Market, and planked down all the “dibs” which he could beg, borrow, or annex, on the Gallic Jongleur! I need not record the result, but suffice it to say that but for baked potatoes he would not now be handsomely entombed in Kensal Green Cemetery, nor I be privileged to communicate to your readers those forecasts which must make the weat hets of the daily journals redden with ill-concealed envy. t I have servile imitators I allow, but this is the ubiquitous Fate of Genius. I have seen Sir Henry Irvine burlesqued, and have heard Mr. Giapstonr’s name held up to the derision of a time-serving audience. Once i fear or reproach I shall, like a second Barazp, endeavour to find the pea under the thimble, and tune my lyre with all truthful prescience. The Victor of a dozen fights will battle game and true, But.I prefer Kilwarlin’s son when there ’s short work to do. A Kendal lass may do the trick, our Prince has got a chance ; But oh, beware the Second Ail that hails from tricky France ! The Devil there may be to pay, and Wisdom bear in mind, While Barcaldine’s successor might leave many more behind. Let_Canter: be my shrine, ‘ On, Pilgrim, on!’’ I cry. Though Irish Pride may have a win—a fact I can’t deny, Remember that Tom CANNoN may a great upset supply. Such is my augury ; passed as quickly through the ever ardent oven of my brain as is the woodeock through the a when an opulent Mendicant is ravening for his evening vender. Pe Contented with Irish stew and beef 4 la mode, and taking the quips and cranks of Fortune as the squibs and crackers of existence, I am, as usual, Your devoted henchman, Dansy Jones. P.S.—I intended the last h to refer to yourself. I assure you that your jokes oa jibes fall from my head like hail- stones off a well-conditioned widgeon. But your ingratitude pierces me like the false tooth of a senile boa-constrictor. [Darsy Jones has, we learn, since the Cesarewitch been living at the rate of £50,000 a year. Perhaps the “ ingratitude’ to which he refers, was due to our refusal to send ten cases of dry champagne to his lodgings. Any person meeting him is earnestly requ not to join him in consuming in- toxicating liquor. He can’t stand it—no more can we.—Ep.} AT WIESBADEN. W-th-m (at 12.50). My dear fellow, how rejoiced I am to see you after your many perils in foreign lands. I was only thinking this morning that if you and I—— \ N-ch-l-s (interrupting). I know, were to have a drink together, how happy we should be! Order up the refreshment! W-th-lm (when the liquor has arrived). Prosit! my dear fellow, and now what do you think—— D N-ch-l-s (again interrupting). Of your Hamburg cigars? Well, frankly, I prefer my Russian cigarettes. Wife and family well ? W-th-lm. Naturally, under my constant care. But now, dear friend, the time has come—— F N-ch-l-s. By St. George! So it has. I promised to be back for luncheon. my carriage ! [Leaves Wiesbaden for Darmsdadt at 2.30. W-th-lm (watching departing train). And this fellow calls him- self an Autocrat! Perish the suggestion! DY Nella ADORE Sete ge VOL. CXL

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocropgr 31, 1896. |

—_—_—_—_— \ 2 x » | ) ae GS ee . Vv * nN \ \bLAw+\ we: ag. Ye _ \\ ; i

‘i : a iis \e iN “ . ———— a. = ) = S 4 SS | / | | Ky f ; "4 i’ | | ", N +} hii u , 4 NY \W'4 \ \ \ ~» ~ W\\WSs ‘ f \ SN M ‘\ SAY eS \" - y ‘ a LLP Ay Y oT , % Louftity 4 s\ \ 4" 7 TT trl, \\ 4 . FSS 4 N \ —= N ot 7 «* ‘ a ' as ie TULA Oe hie . ye WA . , a ii » | as ¥/ j wt me wea ye | 3 j »=9 ee = 7 SS? ay \ ES | : YY) CTA MM: ul ; lj é Gill) K PAT FF pag Pe. + 2\ 8 f / 4 yh fh Ad ; i 4 S t Opies SAAT ia s nya Weel 4 THE POLITICAL FAT BOYs AGAIN. Old Lady (who is timorous), ‘‘ LAwKs !

WHAT CAY¥ YOU WANT Now?” Fat Boy. “‘1 WANTS TO MAKE YER FLESH CREEP !’ (Pickwick Papers.) [Lord Rosengry at Colchester said that an inquiry by the Chambers of Commerce into the progress of technical and commercial education in Germany would produce a compact and handy volume which would make a// your hair stand on end !

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a ee

Ocroper 31, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 207

MOST UNFORTUNATE. HorriB_Le CATASTROPHE WHICH HAPPENED TO CAPTAIN FussEy (ouR LAprgEs’ MAN) ON HIS ARRIVAL AT THE OPENING MEE?, Nxw Coat, NEw Boors, New HorsE, NEW EVERYTHING! Harp Luck!

THAT FAT BOY AGAIN! A PicKWICKIAN FRAGMENT UP To Dare. [Lord Rosepery, speaking at the opening of the Technical College at,Col- chester, said ‘‘ he was afraid of the Germans,’ warned England against the danger of being thirty years behind Germany in technical and commercial education, and said that the result of an in uiry into the matter would ‘ produce a compact and handy volume which would make all your hair stand on end.’’} * . * . - . Ir was the Old Lady’s habit to sit quietly and contentedly in | the old arbour—which was also a harbour (of refu e)—of which | she was so proud, as defying competition by her friends, much more demolition by her enemies. From behind a peg in the Old Lady’s chamber, she took a close, helm-shaped black satin bonnet, a warm cotton-shawl of a bunting-like texture and florid me bey and a thick stick with a curious tri-form handle ; id the Old Lady, ery 4 put on the bonnet and shawl at her leisure—for she disliked , did this Old Lady, exceedingly, and all new-fangled notions in dress or demeanour—walked also leisurely to her favourite arbour. Like another Old Lady—her of Threadneedle Street—she loved to take thi easily, and follow old fashions, as, indeed, is the way with old ladies in general. The Old Lady was very precise and particular; and as this ceremony had been observed for goodness knows how many years without the slightest deviation from the accustomed form, she was not a little surprised, on this particular morning, to see the Fat Boy, instead of quietly leaving her in her pose toe seat in the arbour, walk a few paces away, look carefully round in every direction, and return towards her with great stealth and an air of the most profound mystery. The Old Lady was timorous—most old ladies are—and the Fat Boy’s unwonted manner and movements alarmed, or, as she said, “ worrited ” her. Drat that boy!” she muttered; “whatever ails him lately ? He used to be such a silent lad, though he always did stare, like —tlike a sleepless codfish. But now he’s always bothering a poor old body, about burglars, and designing neighbours with an eye on my rty, and so-called Christians as are worse than regu- lar Turks for joint wiciousness and individual ill-will. And since | he fell out with his fellow-servant, WiLL1am, he seems wuss than |ever. What does ail the boy?” She watched his motions with feelings of alarm, which were in no degree diminished by his coming close up to her, and |shouting in her ear in an agitated and, as it seemed to her, a | warning tone : —

“ Missvus!!!” “Well, Paiummy,” said the trembling Old Lady, “what’s the bogey, now? Nasty neighbours again, Rumrooshians, or terrible Turks, eh?” “No!” said the Fat Boy, emphatically. “Gznrmans!!!” “What does the boy mean?” cried the Old Lady, trembling. “Germans!” repeated the Fat Boy, ogling her oracularly. “Technical Teutons! Cunning tow-headed commercial travellers, fellows thirty years ahead of you in teaching, who mean to deprive you of your favourite arbour, and collar all your trade— ah! and are a-doing of it, too, like one o’clock!” “Good gracious, boy!” cried the Old Lady; “what do you mean, and what do you want to do, now?” “T wants to make yer flesh creep!” replied the Fat Boy.

With the New Forest Hounds. First Cavalier. That new horse of yours doesn’t seem to be much of a jumper. Second Cavalier. No; but he’s a deuced cunning chap at picking his way through rabbit holes.

The Delights o. Football. Amy. I suppose right eye fighting for his country ? i Rose (proudly). Oh, no, dear! He lost them playing for his county. Brave old fellow!

that your poor brother lost his left leg and |

Fvadihdencia athe wndithee®<cieda magia ais. oS pI

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ne ae, [Ocroper 31, 1896. | JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunesso Jaspersesz, B.A.) No. XXVI. Jubberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions. How he secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which he presented it to his divinity. Ow1ne mainly to lack of opportunity, invitations, et catera, I have not resumed the offensive against members of the grouse department, but have rather occupied myself in laborious study of Caledonian dialects, as exemplified in sundry local works of Wr tis. ‘Su 7 ** Whether he had wha-!aed wi’ Hon’ble_ Wallace?” poetical and prose fiction, until I should be competent to con- | verse with the aborigines in their own tongue. | Then (having now the diction of Poet Buans in my fingers’ | ends) I did genially accost the first native I met in the street of Kilpaitrick, complimenting him upon his honest, sonsie face, and | inquiring whether he had wha-haed wi’ Hon’ble Watxacer, and was to bruise the Peckomaut, or ca’ the knowes to the yowes But, from the intemperance of his reply, I divined that was totally without comprehension of my meaning! Next I addressed an by turns in the phraseologies of Misters Brack, Barriz, and Crocxert, Esquires, inte ing my speech with “ whatefers,” and “hechs,” and “ ou-ays,” and “ dod-mons,” and “loshes,” and “tods,” ad libitum, to which, after listening with the most earnest attention, he returned the answer that he was not acquainted with any Oriental language. Nor could I by any argument convince this beetle-head that I was simply speaking the barbarous accents of his native land! Since which, after some similar experiments upon various peasants, &c., I have made a rather peculiar discovery. There is no longer any such article as a separate Scottish language, and, indeed, I am in some dubitation whether it ever existed at all, and is not rather the waggish invention of certain audacious Scottishers, who have taken advantage of the insular ignorance and credulity of the British public to palm off upon it several highly fictitious kinds of unintelligible gibberish ! Nay, I will even go farther and express a grave suspicion whether the Scotland of these bookish romances is not the dari imposture of a ben trovato. For, after a prolonged residence of over a fortnight, 1 have never seen anything approaching a mountain pass, nor a dizzy crag, surmounted by an eagle, nor any stag drinking itself full at eve among the shady trunks of a deer-forest! I have never met a single mountaineer in feminine bonnet and plumes and short petticoats, and pipes inserted in a bag. Nor do the inhabitants dance in the street upon crossed sword-blades—this is purely a London practice. Nor have I seen ; any Caledonian snuffing his nostrils with tobacco from the dis- carded horn of some ram. Finding that my short kilt is no longer the mould of national form, I have now altogether abandoned it, while retaining the fox- tailed belly-purse on account of its convenience and handsome appearance. Now let me proceed to narrate how I became the captor of a large-sized salmon. , Having accepted the loan of Mister Crum’s fishing-wand, and attached to my line certain large flies, composed of black hairs, red worsted, and gilded thread, which it seems the salmons prefer even to worms, | sallied forth along the riparian bank of a river, and proceeded to whip the stream with the severity of Emperor Xerxes when engaged in flagellating the ocean. , But waesucks! (to employ the perhaps spurious verbiage of aforesaid Poet Burns) my line, owing to superabundant longi- tude, did promptly become a labyrinth of Gorkan knots, and flies (which are named Zulus) attached their barbs to my cap and adjacent bushes with well-nigh inextricable tenacity, until at length I had the bright idea to abbreviate the line, so that I could dangle my bait a foot or two above the surface of the water—where a salmon could easily obtain it by simply turning a somersault. f However, after sitting patiently for an hour, as if on a monu- ment, I could not succeed in catching the eye of any passing | fish, and so, severely disheartened by my ill-luck, I was strolling | on, shouldering my rod,when—odzooks! whom should I encounter | but Mister Bagsnor and a party of friends, who were watching | his keepers capture salmons from a boat by means of a large net, |a far more practical and effectual method than the cumbersome |and unreliable device of a meretricious fly with a very visible hook ! | And, just ae I approached, the net was drawn towards the bank, and proved to contain three very large lively fishes lashing their tails with ungovernable fury at such detention! Whereupon I made the humble petition to Mister Bagsnot that, since he was now the favourite of Fortune, he was to re- member him to whom she had denied her simpers, and bestow upon me the most mediocre of the salmons, since I was desirous to make a polite offering to the amiable daughter of my host and hostess. And with munificent generosity he " largest of the trio, which, with great jubilation, I endeavoured to carry off under my arm, though severely baffled by the extreme slipperiness with which (even after its decease) it repeatedly wallowed in dust, until someone, perceiving my fix, ‘ood- naturedly instructed me how to carry it by perforating its head with a piece of string. I found Miss Wex-wee in a secluded garden seat at the back of the Manse, incommoded, as usual, by the society of Mister Crum “Sir,” I said, addressing him politely (for I was extremely anxious for his departure, since I could not well present my salmon to Miss Wee-wee and request the quid-pro-quo of her affection in his presence), “accept my gratitude for the usufruct of your rod, which has produced magnificent fruit. You will find the instrument leaning against the palings of the front garden.” And with this I made secret signals to Miss WEE-wEE that she was to dismiss him; but she remained bashful, and he seemed totally unaware that he was the drug of the market! At last, weary of concealing my captured salmon any longer behind the small of my back, I was about to inform Mister Crum that he had Miss Lovisa’s permission to absent himself, when she broke the silence by informing me that, as the old familiar friend of both parties, I was to be the first to hear a piece of news—to wit, that Donarp (Mister C.’s baptismal appellation) and she were just become the engaged couple! ; I was so overcome by grief and indignation at her perfidious duplicity (since she hal frequently encouraged me in my mockeries of her admirer’s uncouthness and rusticity) that I stuck in the throat, and then flung the salmon violently across a boundary hedge into a yard of poultry. . “Madam,” I said, “that fish was to have been laid at your feet as the visible pledge of my devotion. You have not only lost the gift of a splendid salmon, but have thrown away the heart of a well-educated native B.A. and Member of the Bar And you have gained—hoity toity! What? Why, a Scotch Bun!” oom me with the —

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te 896. | ee, | ———e | hing a €, hor nks of ninine dina Tossed I seen 1e dis- tional e fox- dsome r of a l, and hairs, prefer river, !peror ge of longi- id y cap until hat I f the rning ion) jous my it I ross our ynly the jar! teh — | | | | for the relie Octoser 31, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 209 But almost immediately I was taken by violent remorse for my presumption, and shed the tears of contrition, entreating forgiveness—nay, more, I scrambled through a hole in a very thorny hedge, and, recovering the salmon (which had not had time to become very severely henpecked), I begged them to accept it between them as a token of my esteem and good wishes, which they joyfully consented to do. I had expected that my worthy host and hostess would have shared my astounded disappointment on hearing of their daughter’s engage- ment; but, on the contrary, they received the news with smiling complacency. It appears that Mr. Crum, though endowed with a somewhat sheepish and bucolical exterior, is of tip-top Scottish caste and Teco, and the landed proprietor. I am not to deny the attractiveness of such qualities, though I had hitherto been under the Fool’s Paradise of an impression that they would have infinitely preferred this humble self as a son-in-law. ' ‘ dct a . However, I am now emerging from my umps, wit the reflection that, after all, it is contrary to common-sense to drain the cup of misery to the dregs for so totally inadequate a cause as the ficklety of any feminine! Suggested by the Cab Strike. (A Word of Advice to Jehus.) Hansoms and growlers together, Fares don’t care for your love or your war! In this coming November Just please to remember You ’ve a rival—the new motor car! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. “Veni, Vidi, Vici!” The remark has been made before, or it might have served to tell The Story of My Life, which Sir RicnarD TemP.E, under the fostering care of Cssomt's, has ex- panded into two volumes. The resources of type in the mammoth establishment in La Belle Sauvage Yard are practically i)limit- able. But it is probable that when these two volumes were set up there was scarcity in the “box” containing the first person singular. It is to sone ‘extent inevitable when a man writes his autobiography that he should have frequent recourse to the letter 1. Sir Ricnarp Temp e literally peppers the pronoun over his pages. In the evening of his days, reviewing his career, he is honestly lost in loving admiration of his own achievements. “ For sixteen years I governed about 115 millions of British subjects. . . For five years I conducted the finances of British India. abil personally supervised and commanded in the field the operations F of famine for two occasions, on a gigantic and unprecedented scale. . . I governed, at different times, the provinces which included both the capital cities, Calcutta and Bombay.” This is a summary of big achievements. Incident- ally, we learn how “the villagers loved to watch me, the pale- faced, beardless Anglo-Saxon, seated against the trunk of some monarch of the grove, dispensing patriarchal justice.” Sir RicharD ever has an eye for scenic effect. Thus, “on the day of my leaving Lahore, I spoke my final words to the natives standing in front of the old Moslem gateway under the um- brageous trees.” But though consciously decorative him- self, he is not niggardly in his admission of corresponding beauty in other directions. There is a pretty scene of his un- expectedly coming upon the Himalayas. “Instinctively I take off my white helmet to salute the peerless mountains on this my first sight of them.” Likeways they bows. My Baronite can well imagine how, had time and place been convenient, Sir RicHarD would have taken on each arm a couple of the youngest and prettiest of the Himalayas, and led them off to show them the tea-room of the House of Commons, the lobby, the terrace, | and the table in the library at which the late Member for All this—or a little of it—is funny. But as often happens the well of tears is near the source of laughter. Sir Ricuarp Temp.e’s career in India was one of unbroken success, a triumph achieved by high capacity and stupendous industry. His career in the House of Commons was a lamentable, occasion- ally a ludicrous failure. In March, 1880, he resigned the Governor- ship of Bombay and hastened home to take part in the General Election. For him, the House of Commons was merely a new world to conquer. It would be India over again, only with more brilliant seule. Beaten in East Worcestershire in 1880, he was returned for Evesham in 1885. It was characteristic of him that he made his maiden speech on the first night of the first session of a new Parliament. That was of itself sufficient to predicate Evesham used to sit. fii / ike yf: fe / e - / = . ea pe! TALI UVET TI / Oy P Bre THE AUTOMATIC UMBRELLA AND CAB-CALL. Drop A PENNY IN THE SLOT, AND PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE SHOWER, AND WAIT TILL THE HANSOM ARRIVES. failure. Through seven -sessions- he stubbornly fought against the prejudices of the House. At first amazed that it would not listen to him, then angry, at length subdued. Finally, at the dissolution of 1892, he resolved to retire to “ my ancestral home,” and write the story of a life that should prove to a scofling House of Commons that the eighteenth century had not a monopoly of Indian administrators of the stamp of Warren Hastines and Ciive. Had Mr. E. E. Benson taken a hint from his own title of Limitations, and limited the dialogue of his characters to just one half of what he has given them to say, at the same time enlivening them all round with something to do, his novel with the above title would have been half its present bulk, but its value would have been doubled. The dialogue is bright, not so bright as to be of dazzling brilliancy, but -_ 80 steadily sy «1 as to weary the reader’s attention and induce him to close his eyes and the book. Now this ought not to be, as the dramatis persone are few, distinctly drawn, and true to life: the story is as “simple as bonjour,” and “on descriptions, notably that of Athens, are excellent. misfortune of having previously written a novel so successful as Dodo handicaps its author with the public. Mr. Benson has to go one better than Dodo. That Mr. Benson is a student of certain popular contributions to Mr. Punch’s popular periodical is evidenced by one of his light and-leading characters suggesting that a piece of sculpture should be executed from University models and called “ Typical Develop- ments of Modern Dons.” 6 magnum opus, “ Lf wer Develop ments,” projected to be in several volumes, and started many years ago by the anonymous diarist of Happy Thoughts, has never, the Baron believes, advanced farther than t ) post-mortem examination of this wonderful collection may pro- duce a posthumous work of unexampled interest, as it was in- tended to be a book of the very rarest ideas; only, the ideas becoming rarer and rarer every day, most of the pages in the vari us volumes, all pre-arranged, panned out, and pre-named in order, still remain blank. However, this is just thrown in as a hint to Mr. Bgnson in case his ~~ ey character should need a few that might be useful to the Typical Developer, whose office it clearly is, not to originate but to develop. says Tue Baron. a note-book stage. A |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 31, 1896 | He. “1 say THAT SORT OF THING, ALI AT THE RINK WHEN ALICE MARRIED THAT LITERARY FELLOW, SHE SAID HE WAS GOIN’ DON’ 1CHERKNOW.” ‘AND DID HE!” He, ‘ She. ¥Es; TO RAISE HER TO A Hiener Lire, ANv THEY 'RE LIVING IN AN ATTIC now!” IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE. A Memory of October 21, 1896, [** May the Great God whom I adore grant to my country, and for the benefit of Europe in general, a great and glorious victory ; and may no misconduct in any one tarnish it; and may humanity after victory be the predominant feature in the British fleet. For myself individually, I commit my life to Him who made me; and may His blessing light upon my endeavours for serving country faith - fully. To Him I resign myself onl the just cause which is entrusted to me to defend ! ’’—Nelson's Py ayer on the morning of Trafalgar Day.) THe memories of greatness make men great, Till the chill pulse of coward fear and greed Palsies the slackened sinews of the State. Great sailor! Here to-day let England nee Her best-loved hero’s lesson, written large In that brief life whose fame is England’s charge |! Priceless possession, of all precious gifts Most precious, is the record of the man, Heedless of odds or diplomatic shifts, So that his patriot heart in honour’s van Might strike for that “just cause,” unto life’s end, “Which is entrusted to me to defend!” Certain there be to-day that curl the lip In cynic scorn at mere “ humanit And “ — ” which lets large _ ie bate Mia self-interest rule on shore or Our atom policy, pledged to things that And swell our powers. It was not 8ON’s way! It may be that reminder shall strike home | But let not grasping youd or craven fear Where gentler pleadings shouter he, No mere emotional thing of froth and oam ; He struck for “great and glorious vic- tory And gained it, dying, strong, yet soft of For England's glory, and for good! : Europe’s Yon wreathéd column, those memorial flowers, This thronging crowd whose thoughts a moment lift High as the effigy which above us towers, Passingly conscious of the glorious gift Of such a memory—shall their influence ail, Or pass, unfruitful, like an old wife’s tale ? Illustrious seaman, we are sea-lords still, And must be, till that sea o’ersweeps our fame, Burying all records of the valour, skill, Love and devotion which upbuilt our name As rulers of the waves that wash our coast. Shall — thrift leave that an empty boast Hold o, hold fast, ye countrymen of Whose memory is best honoured by re- solve To let the fame he won you never dim, Whilst the waves leap, and whilst the stars revolve. oe | Savane in arms we may have yet to meet ; Bid party —_ “hands off” the British Fleet fail. No | Plant the white feather in our England’s helm ! There may be—as there have been—dan- gers near, And banded foes may menace to o’er- whelm ; But ill ’twill be with England when, for Right, Like Ne.son, against odds she dares uct fight. The braggart oft turns poltroon at the pinch, Timidity as wisdom loves to mask : When honour calls it is not safe to flinch, Not the wise Titan shirks the Titan task ; And they will never rank with history’s gz Who too solicitously count the odds. Humanity—whereat the swaggerer rails— Is not “predominant partner,” hints a chief, Who, mayhap numbering dauntless Ng1- SON’s sails At Trafalgar, had stayed him! His belief no defeat, eature in our Was that humanity, fearin Was “the predominant Fleet!” Humanity with Duty hand in hand, eae ~ - great patriot seaman "to the So shall a serve our NeEison’s well- | loved land, a courage to their counsels to hold | Fires our defenders as it fired him then. Such to her hero’s Lo is England's en’ “

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jj SWAIN § =, Wi Hs Mh / / “iy / PREPARING HIS SPEECH. Mk. Jox Cu-mB-xL-N (to semeelf). ‘IN SHORT, GENTLEMEN—IF YOU ARE ONLY TRUE TO YOUR PRINCIPLES, ANY ONE OF YOU MAY BECOME—AS I HAVE DONE—A MINISTER IN A LIBER—I SHOULD SAY 1N A CONSERV—I BEG PARDON—I SHOULD SAY IN AN UNIONIST GOVERNMENT.’ H'M —RATHER CONFUSING—I DON’T THINK THAT'LL QUITE DO!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocropgr 31, 1896. tem = — ~~ N [Mr. CHAMBERLAIN is announced to speak to-night, Wednesday, October 28, at the Jubilee Union of the Birmingham Debating Society.) CI a eS Yaa rome ET seh hehe - . a

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OcroBeR 31, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 213 SPORTIVE SONGS, On a fine night a Financier remembers in a well- known pleasaunce the Moonlight of other duys. ‘'ae moon to-night shines full and fair, Hier gentile tones make argentine The oak and chestnut nearly pare, And deepen shadows of the pine. The manor house, all red by day, 4s silvered to a deadly waite, And here and there a long bright ray Pierces the copse witn spear of lignt. Just twenty years ago the scene Was just tue same tor you and me! Tne moon was full; the weirdlike sheen Made glamour round our trysting tree, The beecn, that all our secrets knew, And never once our trust betrayed ; A loyal-hearted triend, so true That e’en his fall of leaf he stayed. We spoke our vows, as lovers will, Arranged a lite-iong pian of dreams! Whule on our rapture, calm and still, ne moon looked down with blessing beams | | As though she said, “ My children, this | 4s but a forecast of your joy. | Ob, prithee join another kiss| |-% —_ happy maid! Brave constant y ” | This mute advice we did not need— it naturally came to both— But still we gave Diana meed for thus approving of our troth. Your father’s wrath 1 swore to dare For you, my sweetest empress-queen | Though sovereigns I’d none to spare ; And you were only seventeen | Your sire was one to cut a dash, Lord of the park wherein we stood. He never wanted ready cash, And ever had a princely mood! Oh! how I quailed beneath his eye, | And envied him his lavish reign !-— | Before, somehow, he had to fly, And seek another home in Spain! And you went, too! Some whiskered Don Mayhap has claimed you for his wife ; Perhaps, like me, you think upon, Sometimes, the ironies of life. I now am rich, am not afraid Of any cavalier’s deubloon | Diana should have lent her aid To us, when Father shot the moon! “ THE SORROWS OF-—SOLICITORS.”’ Sir,—Why should the public pay three, nay four, lawyers to do the work of oner Tbe junior counsel is altogether super- fluous, yet “the etiquette of the Bar” prescribes that a Q.C. shall not appear in Court without a junior. If a litigant may and does appear in Court in person, why should he not be represented by his solicitor, thus doing away with two unnecessary lawyers? To carry the idea a step farther, why should a litigant be forced to appear either in person or by counsel before a judge, who is himself a lawyer? Why should not the solicitors for the respective parties arrange matters between themselves without the intervention of a judge, thus doing away with the third un- necessary lawyer P By this simple arrangement only one lawyer would remain, namely, Your obedient servan London, October. Beprorp Rows. _Sim,—I have been in practice for ninety- nine years, and consider, therefore, that The curse of our profession is over- crowding, owing, I believe, to the modern craze for examinations. A young fellow finds that by steady “cram” he can pass the three qualifying “exams,” as he calls them, and be ad- mitted. In my days, the examination was a mere matter of form, and neither cleverness nor “cram” were necessary to satisfy the them examiners. y is to do away with the at- traction of the “exams” altogether, and, as experientia docet, not to admit any soli- citor who has been less than ten years in a lawyer’s office, and who is under forty years of age. I am, yours, &., Op PRacriTionEr. Burgess Hill, October. Dear Sie,—It is all very well to talk about the sorrows of a solicitor, but look at my case. I was briefed at the Blankshire Sessions to defend a prisoner charged with stealing a pair of boot-laces. ntirely owing to my, I will not say elo- quence, but exertions on his behalf, the prisoner got off—with twelve months’ hard labour—and so did his solicitor; he did not get the hard labour, but he got off without paying my fee. 1 have applied to him at the address en- dorsed on the back sheet (my sole instruc- tions) he supplied me with, but he is not known there. I can only trust that by the time I am en the bench he will be discovered, and brought before me, and if he is not a sor- rcwing solicitor now, he will be then. ours di tedly, Temple, October. awe JUNIOR. SOMETHING IN ADVANCE. At a meeting of the L. C. C. last week, Colonel Forp moved that “the Local Government and Taxation Committee should further consider and report with a view for the mitigation or suppression ot such street noises as constitute a public nuisance.” Bravo! Don’t waste time in “mitigating,” but get to “suppression.” “ Suppression is the better part of valour” in this case. Wandering musicians with inharmonious instruments, street howlers, street bands in London one and all with- out exception, organs of all kinds—away with them! And let Peace be with us scribblers and invalids who can’t sit at home and do our writing and thinking with ease! War to the itinerant musi- cians! Let them be the ez of Lon- don. Go it, gallant Colonel Forp, L.C.C.! Away with all street noises except the [ am authorised to speak on this question. drum and pipes of the Punch Judy | like THE NEW VERB. (As Used in an Automoting Log-book.) A sinete word for “to travel by auto- motor” is apparently required. Like “to bike,” the verb “to mote” has been sniffed at by purists. It has, however, been completely conjugated as follows : — (VERY) ACTIVE VOICE. PRESENT TENSE. I mote. Thou stokest. He looks out for the police. We run into e lamp-post. Ye knock a man over. They pay damages. Future Tense. I will mote. Thou shalt come along with me. He will sit tight. We shall go twenty miles an hour. Ye will soll your horses. They shall eat sausages. Imperrect TENSE. I was moting. Thou wast trying to steer. He was a red flag in front. We were going tour hours a mile. Ye were cussing like anything. They were giving it up as a bad job. Perrecr Tense. Wanting. Fururs Perrecr TEnse. Wanted, PLuprerrect Tense. I had walked. Thou hadst biked. He had taken a hansom. We had gone by train. Ye had ‘bussed it. They had stayed at home. SupsuncTive Present. I may mote. Thou mayest buy me a motor. He may think better of it. ( Aside.) We may start to-morrow. Ye may meet us. They may pick up the pieces. SuBsuNcTIVE IMPERFECT. I might mote. Thou mightest mote, if you weren't such a silly guffin. He might mote, only he can’t afford it. We t mote in the dim future. Ye might mote, or, on the other hand, ye mightn’t. They might mote, and pigs might fly. IMPERATIVE. Mote thou (by moonlight alone). Let him meet some other gal. Let us get down, for heaven's sake! Mote ye—or perish in the attempt Let them burst. PARTICLPLES. Present: Moting. Past: Sat upon by coroner. PASSIVE VOICE. The subject of the above is now passive, and has no further voice in the matter Tar Morro or Anoio-PHome Tursris eaters IN Nortu Arrica.—“ Nemo ome Tunis lacessit.” But, of course, bray away at England in Egypt as much s you i A court-nez does not always mean show! the absence of long ears. : : ‘ A aha: emcee ale NRE Hace

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocrosgr 31, 1896.

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Octroper 31, 1896.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 215 A WALLED TOWN. ExTRACTs FROM THE TRAVEL Diary oF Topsy, M.P. Last Pacse.—A Dip into the Future. Montreuil, Monday.—There is something better in store for this stretch of the northern coast of France than is supplied by the tawdry vulgarity of Paris-Plage. Jonn Buackiey taken the territory in hand, and will presently work a transformation scene. JOHN is a hard-headed, -sighted Yorkshireman, who has spent some courses of a useful life in accomplishing the apparently impossible. Other people visiting Etaples, driving to Paris-Plage, and passing onward beyond the two light- houses, saw nothing but a pine forest coming down to the marge of a beach stretching to the horizon. Jonn Buiackizy discerned in it the making of an international watering-place that would beat anything at present going either in Great Britain or France. Situate almost e midway between London and Paris, within four hours’ travel of either point, JoHn’s penne soul swelled at prospect of the pleasure-loving population of two capitals racing to Mayville. That was the name he forthwith bestowed upon the new watering-place. Five minutes later he decided that (when ey eg is completed) the new para- dise shall be inaugw by the gracious presence of the Duchess of York. The whole thing was irresistibly logical. The place was called (or is to be called) a The Duchess of Yorx’s maiden name was the Princess SS Cia» = other words, There you are! That settied, Joun Buiackiey went to work to prepare every- thing for the ene. He secured the refusal of property, and then laid it out on the most beautiful and con- vincing maps. Broad roads traverse the pine wood. A row of charming villas front the sea. There is a pier, with a band upon it, a casino, a racecourse, and golf links four miles long, in contemplation of which the golf champion of England has been thrown into a state of ecstasy. Finally, in order that no time may be lost by the crowd making their way to May- ville, Joan Buackuzy has arranged for a branch line of railway from Etaples to the sea-front, a distance of three miles. Whilst all the world will be welcome to purchase building sites on the property, Joun Biackiey, shrewd Yorkshireman as he is, has been first in the field. He has selected for his private residence a site on a wooded height, commending, ave views of land and sea. Practical in every detail, he has a platform built among the branches of the pine-trees at about the level of his dra -room window. (Mem.—At present it is the only building in Mayville.) Sark and I made a perilous ladder ascent and viewed the prospect o’er. “Yes,” said our guide, re ing the scene with soul full of content, “this will Joun Biackizy’s home. We are stand- ing now on the level of the drawing-room. The dining-room will be below, opening out on to a terrace. There are the stables, and there is the billiard-room.” ta a “Where?” asked Sark, eagerly following the indication of the outstretched walking-stick. | He saw nothing but the top of a pine-tree. JoHNn BLACKLEY beheld as clearly as if it stood there the green table with the lights | above, the high benches at either end of the room, the marking- board on the wall, and the rack full of cues. He even heard the rattling of the billiard balls. Faintly, in the dim and distant future sounded a ghostly voice, “ What’s the score, marker? ” “Well, it beats me,” said Sark, when we had carefully de- | seended from the level of a drawing-room in a house for the foundations of which the first sod om not yet been turned. “But mind you, that’s the way big things are done, and that’s the sort of man brings them to pass.” Certainly there is fruitful ground to till. To begin with, Mayville has the rare advantage of combination of pine forest and sea air. The story of the forest is a romance. Seventy years ago Mayville was like the rest of this of the coast, @ monotonous waste of sandhills. A retired Parisian notary bought many acres of the sand heaps for a mere song. One | day it occurred to him that he w turn the sandhills into a forest. People laughed at him, but he went his way, morning and afternoon, planting pines in the sand, and to-day a forest blooms, where at the ing of the century stretched a wilder- ness of sand. As for beach, Sark avers that what with its length and breadth and openness to the unbroken sea, it reminds a ao of Biarrit - a or tne country round Mayville is of historic association. Within easy drive through leafy lanes is an ancient monastery, whose chapel has for centuries witnessed the midnight gather- ing of a cowled congregation, its walls echoing with sound England, still unaccomplished. Yesterday field of Agincourt, and to-morrow drives to still wears the badge to staunch wound. No use. The Duke of Brasant and fateful day. “Seems a long time back,” I said, musingly. Sark admits it would be so in ordi great battles, always one or two survivors. 8. and a coronet over it (evidently from the belt of the Earl of Suffolk, one of Henry tHe Firrn’s captains) and the plume from the helmet of a nameless knight. That seems to settle the matter. As for Joun Buackizy, he regards these t battles as having been fought for a purpose only now developing itself. “They might,” he says, “have been located west of Havre, nearer Calais, or south of Amiens. But then they would not speak, extraneous attractions to our golf links, our racecourse, our pine woods, and our sea- ing conveniences. Quite clear to me why Agincourt and Crecy were fought.” “Docxine Horses” was the heading of a paragraph in the Times last week. “I have seen rocking-horses,” observed an erudite reader, “but——” “You don’t understand,” said the well-informed party. “ Boats and vessels are put in docks——” “And prisoners,” interrupted the erudite. well-informed withered him with a glance. “I am ing of the expression fe - ” If a ship is a —- is ee, what do they both possess in common ly capacity for sea-voyaging. Ergo, the horses that are docked must be sea-horses.” a rest was silence.” Tuar lion cub born in the Aquarium on Trafalgar day last week “can be called nothing else,” says the Daily Chronicle, “but Nelson!” Of course, ’s it, Nelson, the sea-lion with of praise and prayer. At Etaples, three miles off, is the house the “ British mane.” where NaPo.gon passed two nights ing the invasion of i Y enone Ben visited the é 1 Crecy. Is full of his good fortune at Agovent. Met there an old sergeant, who veal the Duke of Atznoon. He fought by the Duke’s side, pulled out the arrow that pierced his breast, attempted t ! man, who must have been in the thickest of the fight, also assisted at the obsequies of the Archbishop of Sens, who fell on that nary case ; but in respect of ides, this old soldier sold to Sarx a horse-pistol, part of a crossbow, a buckle with have been within driving distance of Mayville, forming, #0 to | ae pera

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[Ocropzr 31, 1896.

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

i OM SS", Sen ASN we 4 fi

tf = Trish Groom. “ Wi BUNDLE AV Hay.” Voice from Telephone. ‘Who ror?” Trish Groom. ‘Tut HARSE, AV COORSE, YE FOOL!”

‘Wig TD YE SEND UP TWO SACKS oF OATS AN’

AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE, Dear Mister,—I have to pick one bone with you, or rather with a certain Mister Jappensexn, jeune rédacteur of your journal so distinguished. He arrives by hazard that, being at the country, at Goring, I had not the occasion of to read your journal, and that, by consequence, I saw not the injuries of Mister Jappersee before of to expedite to you my last letter. What that this may be who arrives, I go to be calm. In France, at the moment of the most great excitation, the word of order is invariably, “ Soyons calmes!” Me also I say, “ Be we calm!” But, by blue, is it that Avucgusts Montmorenct pe Bassom- PIERRE will suffer the injuries of a nigger, of a man who is black, of a man who names himself Hurry Bunesno? Sapristi, mais non! Truly, until here, I have read his letters with « certain sentiment of admiration for the poor Hindou, who essayed all his possible for to learn the english language so difficult, that I write and that I speak so currently. I thought to my proper efforts when I was young student, and, as one says in english, a feeling fellow makes one wonderfully kind. It was at the month of June, 1895, that I had the honour of to address to you my first letter. At that epoch there Mister Jasperses was I know not where. There is but ten months that he commenced his letters. And now he says to me some injuries, to me that he calls “a mere Parisian Frenchman,” me of who the family was noble and illustrious, and inhabited her middle-aged castle, when Paris herself was but the chief-place of a little kingdom, and when the Oriental Indias were but some countrys of savages, devastated by the barbers — barbares! Sacré nom de nom, c'est trop fort! But be we calm! Only I say to Mister Jansensze that, if he would to come in France, there is two of my friends, journalists of Paris—and you know, dear Mister, that the Parisian journalist is one can not more ferocious—two journalists, I say, of the most warriors, gusrvialt, who rag Tay Le gem of to ee witnesses a meeting que part, some part. t my- self of it that he may be too poltroon! there is the english duel, the box. If he is not also too poltroon for that,

my faith, I will make him, already black, blue and black! Well |sure! if I encounter him some part, even in the street, I will | pull that “nose of a cultivated british subject,” of which he | speaks! Mille tonnerres! Mais soyons calmes! | In this moment here it is a little difficult to continue tranquilly the recital of my voyage. Allons donc! I rested still some days | at Goring, where I saw one time the fishers at the border of Thames, entrapping nothing, all to fact like the fishers at the border of the Seine, but by a cold, ah ca, un froid! And then I part by a beating rain, une pluie battante, and I go all the long of the valley of until London, by Reding, Maiden- hed, Tapelo, Stanes, from where I see ail at the far the castle of the great and illustrious Quezn, and partout the sky is grey and he falls of the rain—ah mon Dieu, quel pays, quel climat !— |and at London also, and at the beyond, until to this that we | arrive to Brighton. And there, where auparavant I have seen but some rain, he makes fine. C'est épatant! After my voyage in railway I hasten myself of to make a little walk by the fine time. Et voila, almost the first thing that I see, in going out from the hotel, it is a saltimbanque, a singer of the streets, that which you call a “nigger.” There is much of them at Brighton, and enough diverting sometimes, not like the horrible organs of the streets, or the vendors of journals who shout frightfully i Qu’est-ce que ca veut dire? These last at Brighton are insupportable. But the niggers sing on the , and their music is not se horrible as the interminable noise of the cafés at Monte Carlo or at Nice. Eh well, this nigger, who carries a false collar red and white enormously ye i around of the neck, and a droll of little bonnet, like a pie o galonné oe on the head, regards me with the smile of a buffoon. all of following, tout de suite, he recalls to me Mister Jaspensex! Mille tonnerres! Immediately I re-enter to the hotel, where I write to you this letter to protest against those injuries, those outrages, so abominable. But be we calm! Agree, &., OUR FAIRY TALES. (By Special Wire.) BLUEBEARD.—-Tue INQuisITIVENEss OF THE LADY. By ANTH-NY H-px. Tue most beautiful lady that ever was seen choicest array, looking like a goddess . tives constantly mistaken for one another Se tea Elphberg hair . ‘ all valiant, noble, bad-tempered, not to be trusted with a woman, and exactly alike ... . at this moment there came through the window that opened on the street the clattering of horses’ hoofs . . their eyes gleamed in the glee of strife having a Dolly dialogue with the Bishop gold pieces . . swords an rife b3... sie. meter. lived happily ever after FATIMA. Fark Vandyk creature eek monds influence for good . . little stiffly eyes kind and reserved .. cool, grey dress great pots of wild flowers ° merry, child-like airs . . . huge bunch of March mari- golds beautiful clear look é Old Liberals . . . Prime Minister > division Govern- ment Whip toiling thousands . . . . misunder- standing : women should leave politics alone : unpleasant quarter of an hour . do you see anybody coming . Conservative brothers just in time Bill past eyes have it a reconciliation 4 AUGUSTE.

, a purse of es danger he love fear hope By Mrs. H-mpnry W-rp. Marre ANTOINETTE’s dia- . . head held a

“Kipnarrep. A Chinaman seized in London. Remains at the Legation.” Such was one among the sensational “headers” taken with a splash and a dash by several papers last Friday. The rapid reader of headlines, who stops not his running for his reading, would, from the above, have deduced that a Chinaman, seized in London, had been chow-chow’d or chop-chopped up, and his “remains” had been found in the house of the ese Legation! Nota bit. All know by now what happened. The heading had simply omitted the pronoun “He” before “re mains.” “He remains at the Chinese Legation.” That’s all. Now the Son is out again. Aw AssocraTion Warnep orr Brarrish Wartzrs.—The German

a

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NovemBer 7, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HUNTING IN A FOG, ‘Seen Tae Hounps, my Man?” WHAT WILL NOT BE SAID AT THE GUILDHALL ON THE NINTH. | Tae Lorv CuH-no-t1-r remarked that the attention of the | Public had been recently attracted to the grievances of barristers | and solicitors. If outsiders did not understand the difficulties | of the situation, it was because they did not comprehend the | origin of the argument. The fact was, that both branches of | the profession were willing to regard laymen as shells and liti- gation as the prime cause of the existence of the oyster. Lawyers naturally preferred the bivalve to its covering. So they clamoured for justice with, and not at, all costs. A distinguished admiral, returning thanks for the Navy, said that the country should recognise the importance of the Senior | Service. Patriotism was a most excellent thing, but it would | not go very far without pay. An increased fleet meant rapid | promotion. So by all means let ships be procured as rapidly as possible, and there would be any number of officers in the | senior ranks to commission them. As to the question of pro- | curing the men before the masts that was a matter of detail. A celebrated general, in responding for the Army, congratu- | lated his colleague upon his very sensible remarks. In these piping days of “pace ” was of equal importance to efficiency. | Anyone could fight, and the British Army had always been equal to the occasion. What the Service really wanted was men who could keep their hunters and enliven garrison society with | smart balls and pleasant lo parties. It would never do to| have the army flooded with youngsters who could scarcely pay | for their uniforms. The Marquis of S-1-ss-ry thought the present occasion a | fitting one for making a clean breast. He entirely agreed with Lord Cuar.es Beresrorp as to the propriety of seizing Egypt, | and he begged to say that he had already taken steps to carry | the proposed plan into immediate effect. However, as it was | customary to inform Foreign Powers, in the first instance, of any | step of international importance, perhaps the reporters would | be so good as to let his statement go no farther. fis right hon. friend, Mr. G., had already stigmatised the Suitan as “the VOL. CXI, U *‘ Avs, Str. THEY BE IN T’'NEXT Fretp. AH CAN HEAR T'HUNTSMAN A-SWEARIN’ AT 'eM!” Great Assassin.” That was a good name for him, but what could be done when the Concert of Europe was a sham? He didn’t mind telling those present (but he did not want it to go farther) that England has a private understanding with pow he which Germany and Austria were to know nothing. As to nephew, the Leader of the House of Commons, he thought he gave up too much time to golf, and far too little leisure to politics. Mr. J-s-pH Cu-mMB-RI-N was pleased to put in an appearance, | as it was always as well to speak when the noble Lord had sat down. He considered himself (and so did many others) the real Boss of the Ministry, or, at any rate, of the House of Commons. He believed in vertisements, but was rather annoyed at the cartoon in last week’s Punch, which suggested that he had changed his principles now and again. But he had got out it by saying that he was “ in- consistent,” which produced—as intended—a laugh. He had confessed at a dinner of the Newspaper Press Fund that he had once sent a joke to Punch which had not been inserted. He might now declare that he had not sent this subject for that cartoon—but it had been inserted. This statement, he was happy to see, had produced a laugh—as intended. The Lorp M-y-rx thanked them all very much for drinking his health. However, he was bound to say, that good as were the speeches to which they had just listened, he could have made far better. Facilis Descensus. Lorp Rosgesery says “ his information ’s good ” ; And so, there is no doubt, are his intentions ; But such “ good” things may sometimes pave the road To—well, a place politeness never mentions. Ecciestastica, Query.—It is all very well now calling him “Dr. Tempe,” but, when he becomes Archbishop, ought not he to be “ Dr. Cathedral ” ? fn Bey iiithittbnensiduilinuminea. LL ee et oer

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 7, 189€. i » ——= \ , . ms i rs . ; ~~ ” a / * i\ \™ MOT ‘ ) ' HAA inks Wh Sn eee / ) | MA \\ ee yp HT { \ \ “atom > J Y) i| Ht bar N ‘ys \ : ZY y) | ee ) Seat 7 \ \ Y } Y o\ \\ ay \\ yj \ \ ‘ NcY I'VE ORIPPLED HER | i | | \ sll ll ; Hil yy I Fa | 1] Hal : “ | Se HiT 1 ar : Ai) ( | ih ane \ P| -— wn: Xs . me New Ali t'| HITE PY aa \" NY . wh ve SAT i , PRETTY WELL. I TIMED THE OLD PILOT TURNED WRECKER. urck, ‘* THINK

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| i FANCY I[ ‘VE ORIPPLED HER!” AMANE L TIMED THAT PRETTY WELL. VOCE Lo “eS arte NovempBer 7, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON! CHARIVARLI. 219 * j De ge, We 2 pt We G wi : wt { * o a Me Leet « See eT ae = oa = — = LPO eg ALLAND .Q6 h ie after. Wh — os oy i | Tir | A MODERN SPORTSMAN, A UT Z cunt Qe whe Landowner (who has asked some friends over for a day's shooting). ‘‘ Look HERE, You FerLLows, I sHan’r SHoor To-pay! Just HAD THIS LETTER FROM MY DRALER, THE HOUND ONLY OFFERS EIGHTEENPENCE APIECE FOR HARES, AND WON'T BUY MY PARTRIDGES AT ANY PRICE!” OUR CONDENSED FAIRY TALES. (By Special Wire.) BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, OR THE YELLOW Dwarr. (By Max MEERBOoM.) Beauty young and mere... . limp, out-moded frock . . . lilac cotton... . dressed worse on week-days than anyone else on Sundays . . . . sisters malaperts . . . father flutterpate .. . ace up sleeve, heart on it . . . loaded claret and dice. . . cheats Beast of large sum . . . refuses to leave castle till he gets it .. . cordially invited to remain indefinitely as guest . . . ripping castle . . . terraces and lakes . . . guests pick quarrels and flowers. . . clever convolvuluses . . , genial geraniums .. . prudish primroses . . . served by gilded homuncles . . . Breast threading his way through the acacias . . . fair daughter. . . Cupid’s shaft . . . suitor for her hand. . . non-smoker . . . Beauty refuses. . . not wicked enough .. . “J’ai demandée a John Lane, et je suis maintenant” .. . happy thought . . . fifth of November . . . disguise as Yellow Dwarf. . . tangled ac- crescency of hair. . . Beast throws away his face and reveals his mask . . . capital fireworks . . . she smiles forgiveness . . . they dance the cockawhoop .. . . vanilla rusks, dewberry wine, buns, and bliss . . . To a Bard. ALrHovGH “ Poeta nascitur” in you, _I see no reasons for congratulation, Your verses I have carefully gone through, And find they are “non fit” for publi- cation. A Chance for Spouter, Ranter & Co. Mr. Punocu begs to announce that his Goose and Turkey Club is now well estab- | lished. Subscribers are respectfully in- | formed that by the weekly payment of one | shilling, they will, by the Ides of March, be provided with a complete outfit where- with to proceed to Constantinople for the expulsion of the Suntan. In considera- tion of the enormous benefit which this country will derive from the expedition, Mr. Punch has reason to believe that the Foreign Enlistment Act will be suspended for the especial benefit of those taking part in it, on condition that they never return. Members holding testimonials from Mr. Guapstone and Canon Maoooi. will be allowed ten per cent. discount. No Ar- menians need apply. “Tue Chateau of Loo,” where the two queens were recently staying, sounds un- commonly like a house of cards. Unless “Loo” is short for “Lovisa,” and if so, who is the Louisa at whose chateau the two queens were staying? By the way, asks the quiet gambler singing— “Loo! Loo! I love you!” is there anywhere about a “ChAteau of Unlimited Loo” ? Latest Toast or THE G-RM-N EmpP-R-R. “In this country we will not to our lips raise the ever pernicious champagne of France! Proudly, with the fruitful vine- |yards of the Fatherland before my en- larged eyes, do I cry Hock! hock! and again, sparkling hock!” A STRIKE ON THE BOX. Scens—A London Street, Time—During the ‘* strained relations.” Driver of Four- wheeler discovered, To him enter Would- be Fare. Would-be Fare. Hi, cabby! Take me to the Great Western station. Cabby. Very sorry, Sir, but I am afraid I can’t. Fare. Why not? Are you a stranger? Don’t you know the way ? Cabby. Well, Sir, it isn’t a public place. Fare. Not a public place! Why, it’s just by Paddington—— | Oabby. Yes, Sir, I know the locality. But you see, according to a decision, it isn’t a—— Fare. What does it matter to me what the law is? I want to catch the train! Cabby. Well, Sir, if you will jump in, I will get as close to it as I can. Fare. All right; departure platform. Cabby. Very sorry, Sir, but I can’t go there. You see, that would be breaking our rules. But I can take you to the Edgeware Road. Fare. What nonsense! That won’t do. Cabby. Well, Sir, we are - doing it | for the benefit of the public. If we boy- ‘cot the railway stations, the public will | benefit by it. I am sure I have your sym- | pathy Sir? | Fare. You may have as much sympathy | as you like, but as you can’t take me to the station, I shall hail a’bus! [Does so. Tue Latest SentimentaL Sono.—The biker-réle. pCO es) legals tt tht t ht tlle ST Se tana me on rere

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 7, 1896 ABOUT THE RED ROBE. A cHanor has come over the spirit of Managers, and therefore of Playwrights, as distinguished from Original Dramatists. The Problem Play and the Ibsenitish Woman, the modern fashion- able accessories, the whiskies-and-soda drinking, the oe cigarette-smoking, the rude repartees of sharp Society folk, all | these are temporarily shelved, and the drama comes again before us in its romantic phase with a clean bill of health, so that no longer will the “Young Person” be excluded from the audi- torium What are the odds against old Drury Lane, after the panto- mime carnival is over, returning to the Hatumpay times of Scort’s novels dramatised? Nothing more likely, unless Dumas, | or the works of one of the modern Dumas-li in fiction, be chosen for adaptation. AntHony Hors—anything but a forlorn Hope—Gitsert Parker, Stantey Werman, with others, all springing up in the same line and deluging us with cavaliers, ‘“*Wuart’s necome or Waninc?” Robert Browning. Why, here he is, disguised as Burglar Gil—the newest hero, law-breaker, card-sharper, liar, picklock, duellist, hypocrite, and bungler ; but false to the hand that pays him—never! swash-bucklers, French kings, conquerers and cardinals! Stirring times, too, for the theatrical costumier! Up goes the rene of hauberks and “ flat King Johns!” Then there are new ingdoms to be opened to the adventurer, such as Ruritania. More work for the costumier and the artistic designer! And, what a time for the genuine playwright! Not for the original dramatist who invents his own plot; he may get a look in now and again; but the playwright who sees what stuff there is, in a published story, effectively serviceable for dramatic purposes. His is the chance. He but to read, mark, and send in his card to the author with “gents own materials made up” on it, and if he can but come to terms with the gent in question—they are getting a bit wary, now—the playwright only has to propitiate the manager, and the trick is done. Capitally beak too, is this same trick by Adapter Ross, who has performed the operation for drama on Srantgy WerrMan’s romance of Under the Red Robe. All the plums are here; all the scenes are effective; the plot clear as possible; the “mounting” pic- turesquely perfect, and the acting as good as it can be. dapter | League. | suggestion had been made after a vinous dinner in the ward of | Portsoken. Ross has lost a point in the last act, when the Cardinal and Renée ought most certainly to have had a scene together; and in this last act the dramatic construction is so faulty that the finish is a foregone conclusion full twenty minutes before the curtain drops, and all that while actors and audi are “only purtendin’.” To Mr. Hzrserr Wanrine as Gil de Berault, all say, “thou art the man.” Mr. Va.entine’s Richelieu is striking, and this figure remains in the memery while the others vanish. Captain Larolle is a bit of a droll, but is not le réle in which, for his own sake, most of us would have preferred to see Mr. Grau Mavps. Yet is he uncommonly good, and at the last wins the sympathy of the audience. If, in the proposed duel, he were yet a bit more serious, for he is meant to be plucky enough, he would win on his audience still more and the previous foolishness of the character would be cond and oned. As the nameless lieutenant, Mr. Brrnarp Govup is admirable. He is the rough-and-ready soldier of duty and honour, straightforward, with heart in right place. a Marcel in The H nots would not Mr. Brrnarp Govuip make! Such a Marcel would be worth his weight in Gould. As Renée, Miss Wixrrrep Emery is ing, and the shades of sudden changes of temper, in | yet fondly loving, doubting yet doting, are clearly defin | the actress, who carries the audience with her throughout. iss Eva Moore is nice, and sufficiently frightened. Clon, the dummy, a neces- sary evil, is a very difficult part carefully ply by Mr. Houtman Cuark. The scenery is excellent. But, for excep- tional effect, that of the Great Gallery in the Cardinal’s Palace, painted by Mr. Harker, is the best thing of the sort since the great scene in The Cup at the Lyceum. Everybody con- gratulates Messrs Freperick Harrison and Cyrit Maupe on this. most successful commencement of their enterprise at the Theatre Royal Haymarket. The Lay of a Decorative Monarch. [Before leaving Darmstadt the Czar distributed many Russian decorations. | A r1BBon here, a medal there, The Hessians cry “ Nach gut!” But to Berlin I send with care The Order of the Boot! At the Zoo. Little Chris (who has just seen the pelicans for the ) ae time). Oh, mamma, come and look at these funny birds with fish-baskets on their necks! Tue Temperance League, whereof the Archbishop-Designate of Canterbury is President, is said to have under consideration the proposition for changing its title to that of the Temple-ance The objection to this is that it sounds as though the At Brighton. She. They don’t allow anybody on the Chain Pier, now, do they ? He. No. It’s the chained pier, now. Waar next ?—Mr. Excar’s new cantata having been success- ful at the North Staffordshire Musical Festival, King Olaf will probably be followed by Queen O’Smile. Hooray! No Lack or Water ww Fourure.—Wetis will be used for the suppression of all fires in the Metropolis. May ne never run dry! A Sure Siew or Avrumn.—The fur trade is now in full swing. For explanation, see police-court reports and latin dictionary. Appropriate Foorsatt Fixture ror THe Firra or NovEMBER. —A match against Guy’s. — - Ever-pevorep Turtie-poves.—The Aldermen of the City of London. Tax Centar or Gravy-tation.—A joint on the spit.

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} | month of July. I | most unconvenient. Not only ae | she is situated au beau | is actually since | is so little of progress in the works that they have the air of never | one finds a chaos of planks, of poles, and of scaffoldage, and | naturally between them some étangs, some pools, without | number, because the provisory roofs admit the rain who falls Novemper 7, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 221 AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE, EDIMBOURG. Dear Mister,—Until here I have forgotten of to send to you my notes on the “north grey metropolis,” that I visited at the im much. However, I may say, “ Better too late than never.” It is true that the Scottish say that theis country is not comprised in the England, but for we other French it is the same thing. The first thing that a voyager of to-day sees in a town is not, as other times, the gates, the principal streets, and per some of the monuments, from the imperial or from the cut of diligence, but the station of the railway. And partout the stations are some edifices enou i ect I think that more the town is beautiful, more the station is horrible. By example, at Venise! But of all the stations that I have ever seen, the station of Waverley at Edimbourg is absolutely, and without any doubt, the most hideous, the most horrible, and the milieu, at the beautiful middle—and in this case beau is not only an augmentative, but expresses also the beauty—of a city whose site is — remarkable. And not only that, the station ongtime in state of reconstruction, and there to be finished. One descends from the train, and immediately so often. The voyager falls also. There is no more of quay, nor of office, nor of room of wait, nothing but some miserable sheds, at some enormous distances one from the other, almost some kilométres, which he must to traverse @ pas de course, at step of course, in leaping by above the planks, the poles, and the pools—a veritable “steplechase.” And all that in follow- ing a scottish factor, facteur, who speaks not english! C’est assommant | Eh well, I arrive to this charming station, and when I have enough admired her, I go to one of the hotels in the Prince Street. I leave my baggages, and, the rain having ceased, I make a little promenade the long of the street. Truly she is admirable, as street, resembling a little to the Rue de Rivoli, houses of one side, gardens of the other, but much more pic- turesque. The blow of the eye of the castle on the rock is superb, and the gardens are charming. But all is spoilt by the horrible railway in the valley. Quel dommage, what damage! After the dinner at the hotel—pas grand’chose en effet, not great thing in effect—I walk myself of new, and I seek some divertisement for the evening. Pas de café, not of coffee, not of music, not of promenade, nothing! In fine I arrive to a “music hall.” A la bunne heure! See there the place for to study the music of the Scottish, the “bagpips.” I enter im- mediately and I rest some time. Figure to yourself, Mister Punch, that there, in the principal of music of the scottish metropolis, one finds absolutely not one sole “bagpip”! The orchestra, the songs, the music, the assistance, are precisely as in England—perhaps a little more sad, if that can himself. All desolated and fatigued I return to the hotel, and I couch myself. For to sleep? I hope it. Attendez! Agree, &c., AUGUSTE. SHOWS IN ACTION. Dear Mr. Punon, — Monte Cristo, the new ballet founded upon Dumas’ romance, is a distinct success at the Empire. It is true that about two-thirds (or even three-fourths, or perhaps nine-tenths) of it is s le, and the remainder story. But for all that, the plot is the guinea stamp and the dancing is the entertainment (as Burns would say), “for all that and all that.” However, as one triumph makes many, another pro- duction on the same lines may confidently expected before the close of the present century. If there is any difficulty about a scenario, I can give one. How would this do? THE THREE MUSKETEERS. Founded upon the celebrated Story by Alexandre Dumas, Pére.) The three soldiers meet. They go to sleep and dream a dream. Dream.—Grand French ballet. Dance of early Normans. Bretonne Pas de Quatre. Parade of the Empire, with dresses of the period. The armies of France past and present. Military maneeuvres. Knights in silver and gold armour. Musketeers. Comic pas seul by Mr. Writ Bishop as D’Artagnan. The soldiers of to-day. Reception of the Czar in Paris. Grand finale with electric lights. ON THE NINTH. Freddy. ‘‘ AND DO THEY HAVE A NEW Lokp Mayor Every YEAR, MuMMiIE ?” Mother. ‘‘ Yes, DEAR.” Freddy. ‘‘THEN WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THE OLD Lonp Mayors WHEN THEY 'VE DONE WITH 'EM?” The three musketeers awake. They express surprise at the magnificence of the tableau. in. ere, that would do nicely. I feel sure that Mr. Groncor Epwarprs, with the aid of Madame Katt Lanner and talented assistants, could do wonders with such a theme. Let him try when the attractive powers of Monte Cristo are exhausted. And now, Mr. Punch, allow me to subscribe my name Yours, well pleased, ERPSICHORE. NEW MUZZLING ORDER. By P.C. Punch. Notice.—Since faction much the public fogs, If there’s not silence soon among our shouters, We'll have to take the muzzles off our dogs, And clap them on our noisy party spouters. Suent Correction. —“You must march with the times,” observed the eloquent Mr. Dickens, Q.C., when trying to obtain a license for a promenade at a music hall. Excellent argument, only, when he repeats it next year, for “ march” let him sub- stitute “ promenade,” and there he is! A Broapway Ixpeep!—That promenade must be an uncom- monly wide one when processions of men “from all walks of life” were able to march along it during recent election excitement in the States. River Mem.—The inhabitants of Putney are clamouring for a lock. Mr. Punch wishes them all suecess, but begs to point out that a new quay is also badly needed.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NovemBer 7, 1896. t i % 4 pede ' *» ‘/, ae WV I Vite ne Wi ih ni | IN FIRST PERSON SINGULAR. Algernon Coxcombe. ‘‘Ou, | KNOW THE MAN WELL—A CAPABLE FELLOW, BUT, IN MY OPINION, AN INVETERATE Eeoist.” Miss Pinkney. ‘‘ Do YOU DISTINGUISH THEN BETWEEN AN EGoIsT AND AN EGoris! A. U. Miss | ** UNDOUBTEDLY. ‘THEN WHICH ARE you!” THE DISTINCTION 18 SUBTLE, BUT WELL MARKED——”’ OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Wen you see before you an attractive-looking volume brought out by the combined efforts of Messrs. Hoppser and StoucuHtTon, as though StoveHTon couldn’t have ventured upon such a proceeding without Hopper, or any Hodder man, nor Hopper, which, of course, is hodder still, without the assistance of Stovcuton, and when you see that the author of the book in question is Mr. H. W. Lucy, our Tony, or, we may boldly assert, the Tosy, without whom in the Gallery no Parliament is perfect, you will settle yourself down in an easy chair, giving yourself as much time as possible for the perusal of what apparently is a novel in one volume, entitled, The Miller's Niece, but which turns out to be a volume of tales (“ Toby’s Tales ”—an excellent title!) writ by the accomplished raconteur aforesaid. The Miller’s Niece 1s the first of these stories, told with such graphic touches when dealing with mere accessories, as forcibly to re- mind you of Dickens at his lightest and best. The atic situation in The Miller’s Niece is akin to that in the Erckmann- Chatrian story of “Le Juif Polonais.” Mathias, in the latter, is hypnotised, and rehearses his crime in action; in this, the Miller, walking in his sleep, does precisely the same thing. It may occur to some that the story would have been more perfect had it not been completed. But—quite good enough as it is. The story of the Colonel is charming. The Baron’s only regret is, that this rough-and-ready “true grit” man should ever have been presented at Court, and should have so far been influenced by snobbism as to belittle his dear niece Kitty's hand by a flunkeyish comparison. One of the best is “From the Chapel Roof.” If after the exertions of the day you have only a short time left you before dressing for dinner, read the last-named story, and tell it to your convives as your own experience. The Temple Shakspeare is now completed by the publication of the sonnets. There is no better small edition of the Divine Wittiam’s entire works, plays, poems, and sonnets, with erudite prefaces, practical glossaries, and most useful notes, than is issued by Messrs. Dent & Co., Aldine House, avail- ing themselves of the “Cambridge” edition, by kind permission student can easily pocket any two of them, honestly, of course, carrying them with less discomfort than he would a small cigar-case or note-book, and during his travels he will have in his pocket two delightful travelling-companions, ever ready to converse with him when others are silent, always instruc- tive, ever suggestive, never for one second dull. “A most con- venient and invaluable series,” quoth the Baron. A more picturesque, dramatically-tragic, that is, as far as concerns the first part of the story, and altogether more ab- sorbingly interesting novel than T'aquisara it would be difficult to find, even among the works of its author, Mr. Marron Craw- rorp. He is thoroughly at home in Italy; he knows it and its society, from the highest to the lowest, better than CHaRLEs Lever knew Ireland, and as well as Carueton knew Irish peasant life. The author has created a charming heroine, the Princess Veronica. The portrait sketch of Cardinal Campo- donico is admirable. The journey of the Princess by rail and road, and the sketches of the peasantry, are rare examples of picturesque descriptive-writing. The reader feels it to the work of a truthful, simple, and sympathetic writer. There is a strangely powerful scene of death and marriage; but how all ends, whether happily or not, it is not for me to reveal ; it is for the reader to discover. Only one question arises, and that is of fact. But probably Mr. Marton Crawrorp has consulted the highest authorities, and has satisfied his own literary con- science. If “the essence of marriage is consent,” with or with- out witnesses, with or without ecclesiastical benediction, then what becomes of the difficulty he has imagined? Thus: A. and B. agree to be married. If A., meaning to marry B., accident- ally takes C.’s hand, while a third party, priest or layman, pro- nounces the words of union, surely A. is not married to C.? However, apart from this, the novel, published by Messrs. Mac- MILLAN, is delightful, and its perusal is a real recreation. At least, so thinks and says Tue Baron ve B.-W. Nore sy Our Own Ierepressis_te JoKerR (again bailed out).— The French authorities have released Tynan, and they would also like to re-lease their Government to the people for an in- of Messrs. Macmittan and W. ALpis Wricut. The Shakspearian | definite period. St. Petersburg and Moscow papers please copy.

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CHARIVARI.—Novemeer PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 7, 1896. SWAIN ss | COLUMBIA’S CHOICE. CotumsBia (to Presipent McKiniey). ‘AH, YOU ARE THE MAN FOR ME!” Save or Wasuineton. “I CONGRATULATE YOU, MY DEAR! ‘SOUND MONEY’ IS THE BEST POLICY!”

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Novemper 7, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. ABO) WE HOPE IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO sUGGEsT A Moror Lorp Mayor's CARRIAGE FOR THE NINTH, CLIPPINGS FROM THE “CUY FAWKES GAZETTE.” Tue cycling mania having now taken firm hold of the fashionable world of guys, it is expected that there will be a meet on the 5th at Hampstead Heath, when many effigies of light and leading will be moun on boneshakers of the most elegant and combustible description. Guys, don’t forget to light up at 5.40 p.m. next Thursday! ve your- selves worthy of the noble name of “scorcher,” and let us have a record de- monstration. Quit you like men of straw, and explode for all you are worth! Eng- land, ot, at any ~~ the juvenile _ tion of it, expects that eve i will do his duty. i E Great anticipations are being enter- tained of the forthcoming procession of auto-guys on their motor cars. Fancy or court will be worn, and it is recom- mended that, for the sake of uniformity, the participants shall each adopt the re- ulation cocked hat, with or without eathers, and a sword of lath. There will be a light collation of squibs at the start, and the run to Cla: Common will be accompanied with crackers and catharine- wheels. I neaR that the carnival and masked ball to be given this year at Lewes will be unusually brilliant. All the prominent county magnates have promised to be pre- sent in effigy, and they are looking forward to quite a warm reception. There will be several interesting débutantes, who, I am told, will completely dazzle all beholders. No guy of any pretensions to taste and breeding should omit a visit to Mr. Fawkes, the costumier, of Rag Fair. He has an extensive assortment of well-ven- tilated costumes and outfits, and is reall unrivalled in the delicate art of figure-pad- ding. With a broomstick and a bundle of old newspapers he will work wonders with the most hopeless case. Tue open-air palanquin is the mode just about this time. It consists of a kitchen chair, which need not have any bottom, slung on two les. The occupant is then securely tied on, and the whole turn- out presents a striking appearance. Pos- ject to the crowd of admirers which this orm of conveyance invariably attracts, but I fancy most effigies are accustomed to the om of publicity, and would, I think, be disappointed with a longer, but more | humdrum, career. Ir is not improbable that the Sultan of TuRKEY, amongst other celebrities, will aS 2. Turkish Delight!” be represented at this year’s festivities, as his Majesty has now achieved a high degree of popularity in guy circles, and no re-union is considered to be complete without him. THE CAB STRIKE. Cabby sings :— Strike, strike, strike !|— I’m forced to go out, yer see ; But I would that my tongue might utter The oaths that arise in me. Oh, well for the omnibus cad, That he shouts “Bank, Bank,” all day! ’Tis well for the tram-car lad, As he climbs to the roof for pay! And the privileged cabs go on To St. Pancras or Ludgate Hill ; — But, oh, for the crack of my unused whip! And the sound of my wheels that are still ! Strike, strike, strike !— But there ’s one thing that strikes mx, That there isn’t nothing to strike about, And the game is all U P. Wuere tHe Corn Pincues.—Now, at sibly guys of a retiring nature might ob- the baker’s shop. ~SPORTIVE SONGS, A Jilted Lover at Folkestone vents his feelings on the first day of the week, On Sunday morning, smartly dressed, You join the frou-frou on the Lees ; Your little sins are all confessed, Your mind must surely be at ease! I wonder if, when your shrift, You vows for better conduct made, Or into worldli i On Church Parade ? mp ee or C) ; Your hat is decked with peacock blue, Your rosy tints are pure and fresh ; Your varnished boots, your curling al the Reveal prowess of your maid ; Of conscience = have not a twinge On Church Parade! The sermon may your soul have vext With diatribes, and yet. I’ bet you do not know the text, The preacher’s moral quite forget! Denunciation of the vale . Ly listened to all eee mag ‘i ut lo upon your cushion cur For Geral Peseta Sun-kissed, you scarcely look upon That glittering wild of tossing wave, But in your heart give pro and con. Of how to make another slave. That dapper captain from the camp Falls the ambush deftly laid ; An aide-de-camp he now must tramp On Church Parade! On me your glances do not waste, Too well I know those cruel eyes That welcome with such ardent haste Each victim as he loves and dies! One time I = you constant court, But now I call a spade a spade. I wish you ’ll know none other sort Of Church At the Paper-Chase. | Master (to most energetic hound, who ‘has suddenly tailed off). My dear fellow, what ’s the matter ? Hound (exhibiting torn paper). Only | this, that among the scent ve found the remains of a very private letter which ‘Werte lat night to the star of ol the hares. [Left disconsolate. } Pe renames atty SETS dearer

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— ——— 226 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [NovemBer 7, 1896, THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF Guys, SUITED TO ALL POLITICAL TASTES—SPECIALLY DESIGNED AND MANUFACTURED—MAY BE HAD ON APPLICATION TO OuR ARTIST. ROUNDABOUT READINGS. (Being sume Letter 8 from Mr. Roundabout to his Nephew at Cambridge, and to Others.) No. I. -Ovr Retarions —Or Cameripce in Octoner—Or Youtu AND Ace—Or BEDMAKERS AND Cyps. My pear Jack,—I promised to write to you as soon as I got | back to London, and here is the letter. I noticed that, when | | | gether in Cambridge, and a | you, exhausted all that even a prosy uncle can have to say to 1 spoke of writing with such haste, you looked at me with some curiosity. Naturally, you wondered what more I could have to say to you after we had spent the best part of three days to- her I had, as it must have seemed to a nephew just embarked upon his freshman’s voyage. But | honestly, Jack, I think you will find when you cast back in your memory that, though we talked a great deal, I did not speak much of the place, nor did I try to depress your bubbling spirits with any weight of avuncular advice. I did, indeed, ask you to remember that you were a Rounpasout, and that in all things that concerned the bearing of a man you could have no better guide and example than your memory of your father, one of the best and shenndined as he was one of the truest and most loyal men that ever lived. He was my brother, and I loved him. That sounds a simple and a natural thing to say—but is it so? Is it not too often the case that such a relationship—and, in truth, almost any relationship, save that between child and parent—-is a barrier rather than a link? Courtesy and tolerance there may be, but affection is a different matter. However, all that is not to the point. What I wanted to say was this: When I was with you in that dear old town I meant to talk to you—my heart was full, but the thoughts were ill-defined, and | the words would not come. Don’t tear up this letter under the impression that it’s going to be what we used to call a “pi-jaw.” It isn’t; but the sight of Cambridge once more and in your company, affected me strangely, and, in short, I want to write to you, my dear boy, and free my heart. I was glad to go with you, and to see you make your start. It refreshes an old chap to plunge into that sea of young faces, to hear the old familiar sounds, the footsteps hurrying arcoss the court at night, the bells ringing to hall or chapel—you carp at the bells, now, no doubt, but you don’t know how instantly and vividly they brought back a troop of old delightful associa- tions to me. It was as if a curtain had been drawn, and the inexorable years had rolled back, and I wandered, a freshman APPLY EARLY! once more, and with all the proud awe of a freshman, through these ancient sacred haunts. Every bell told its story and brought back a well-known face till the court was peopled again with my friends, and the tumble-down staircases resounded to their calls. Across the gulf of years I heard them plainly, and for a moment I lived again the old gay, free, enchanted life as though nothing had been changed, and fate had not scattered us all irrevocably to the four winds of heaven. We were much the same, I take it, as you and your fellows are now—more prim, it may be, in our costume, less addicted to cloth caps, but in all essentials, in our spirits, our manners, and in our youth we must have been as you are. And yet, till I saw you all in chapel that evening, I never realised how gloriously young we were in spite of the emphatic manhood which we had as- sumed with our caps and gowns. As you and I came from chapel, a half mist lay wrapped round the court and its grey pinnacles and towers, and the lights twinkled away into the distance while the throng of youngsters moved along. That was Cambridge in October. They may talk as they like about the May Term, when the days grow long and the skies are clear, and the avenues are rich in the freshness of their leaves, but to me Cambridge in the October Term is the real Cam- bridze. Then better than at any other time, in those long »venings when the darkness comes down and blurs the outlines, or when the moon lays a soft and hazy light on the gateways and lawns and fountains, you seem to get that impression of vague mystery that lingers about old buildings, the feeling of hoary and venerable tradition renewed by abounding youth, of tottering age refreshed by strenuous life and vigour. That is the Cambridge of my dreams, and that to me is the real Cambridge. And what, after all, are thirty years? To you looking forward their length seems infinite, incalculable. You think that when you shall have accomplished them you will be a broken-down old fellow, with all your joy, your keenness, your exuberance thrust away into the past, with only a few melancholy years still left to you for the living of a grooved and humdrum existence. But to me, as I look back to my freshman’s day, they seem as a wind that has blown and touched my cheek in passing, and life still seems full and fresh and delightful. We realise advanc- ing age by starts and surprises. A twinge in the back, a stiff- ness in the knee-joint—what are these? A spin in an out- rigger, a bout with the foils will soon chase them. But they are not chased so easily, and in the morning, when you stand at your looking-glass confessional, and do penance with your

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| tions that keeps them immovably fixed at a certain point of | bedmakers will come on an evening when her work is done and NovemBer 7, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ri) bo ~ Rector. ‘Now, WHAT YOU WANT, MY GOOD MAN, Is OXYGEN, (Giles (brightening up). ‘‘LAW Now, 18 IT, SIR? AN’ THANKYE I'LL ASK FOR IT OVER TO THE ‘THREE Tuns.’” PLENTY OF OXYGEN.” KINDLY. I CAN'T SAY AS I EVER TASTED THAT B8ORT 0’ GIN, BUT razor, you may notice a gray patch or so where formerly all was black or brown, and the little network of lines that many years of repeated smiles have stamped about your eyes. And the youngsters treat you with a deference that is almost dis- agreeable, though you would think them unmannerly if they abandoned it. You are no longer slapped heartily on the back, your ribs receive no more familiar digs, and you marvel as you watch two of your nephew’s friends chasing and tripping, and disarranging and battering one another, with shouts of laughter as though nothing in the whole world could be so amusing as to bruise or be bruised by a familiar friend. Still, | we are nct old—shall we ever be ?—and when we meet together, as we sometimes do, at festivals and celebrations, we are apt | to say, with Orrver Wenpett Homes, Has there any old fellow got mixed with the boys ? If there has, take him out without making a noise. If you are not acquainted with the works of this kind and friendly American, get them at once and read them. You will find in them a truer refreshment and a serener wisdom than in all the ponderous volumes of the philosophers. And here let me ob- serve, by way of parenthesis, that when I was in Cambridge, I saw my old maker and my gyp. My dear Jack, bedmakers and gyps never grow older. Something there must be in their occupa- life. These two familiar faces were not altered by a single line from my memory of them. Mrs. Wriciey’s well-worn shaw! hung on its accustomed nail, the same shawl, to all outward appearance, that used always to stray mysteriously into coal- boxes or cupboards. Her voice was the same. She came to greet me, bearing the same old tin dish-cover in one hand, and the same piece of cracked crockery in the other, and she still complained that Cambridge was not what it used to be, and that two brass fardens would cover all that was spent daily in food upon her staircase. She will never change and never die. Someday she will cease to be. A company of ghostly spirit her away to a place where there are no tables to be laid and no beds to be made, and where there are no tradesmen’s boys to offer her any impudent suggestions. Good-bye, my dear boy. Your affectionate uncle, Ropert Rounpapovt. A Word to Wrangling Leaders. It is not much use to sneer or to hiss, It is foolish and futile to froth and foam! And were it not well—at a time like this To wash dirty (party) linen at home ? I.tocican ConpemMNation. — Experiments with the Zalinski | pneumatic gun were recently tried at Milford Haven, which is a haven all very nice for Cymbeline’s Imogen, but not for a quiet visitor when gun practising is going on, and the result was that the Zalinski gun made only one hit out of seventeen rounds. So, observed a naval correspondent in the Globe, “the gun can- not be considered a success.” Ahem! But suppose Mr. Winkie Snoporass ZaLinski1, out with a shooting party, nit only one partridge in seventeen shots, would every one at once declare that the fault lay with the weapon, and not with Mr. Wixkie Snoporass Zautinski? Of course, Za.insk1 himself would say so, just as Mr. Winkie, not shooting, remarked about his skates. Probably the gun is not a success, but this decision is not to be arrived at by the reasoning aforesaid, Fresh Water anp New Name.—Works to purify the River Ure were recently inaugurated by Lord Ripon, Marquis and Mayor. It is to be hoped that they are of those “good works” which do not go unrewarded. And when the river — shall begin to run afresh its new course, let its name be changed to what sounds ordinarily like a tu-quoque retort, and be called “Ure Another,” which it will be, quite another. ee ee IRR dt". 09 Mba TER CBA eR erent

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PUNCH, [Novemper 7, 1896. =», “e t ¥ + we > IES - Are \ ae >. : =e / THE LANGUAGE OF SPORT. ‘*Waere roe——! Waat tae——! Wao tHe——!!! Way trHoe——!!!! Honovurep Srr,—You and your readers must now, indeed, be callous as to the upheaval in the price of cereals. While believing that the ever-resourceful Tom | Cannon might fire an unexpected shot at | the last moment, I nevertheless boldly proclaimed the probable victory of W ink- field’s Pride in the Cambridgeshire. And of course it came off, as easily as does the gold foil of a champagne flask at the hands of an expert. Nevertheless, I frankly confess that I was fairly puzzled by the way in which Mr. J. C. Sunsivan’s chest- nut colt was knocked about (metaphori- cally) a few days before the contest. With tears of anguish I remember that on the previous Friday I twice refused to take £1,000 to £5 about the Irishman’s chance! Think of that, honoured Sir! By my egregious weakness with regard to my own powers of divination, I have probably de- prived myself of a glorious Winter of Con- tent. Not but that sundry shekels have been added to the wallet which I carry in | my pistol pocket, but I missed the grand | coup. the Austerlitz or Waterloo of the racing campaign, owing to the plausible pleading of a “Fly-flat.” No more piti- | able creature exists than this. He is, to borrow a simile from the Wizard of the | North, the Dugald Dalgetty of modern | chivalry. Always thinking that he knows better than anyone else, and but too eager to take advantage of the failings of others, he is invariably captured and stripped of all his possessions before he is nell aueoe of the fact. And yet by such a Braggart, who professed to know a Stable ret, an Old Campaigner was in duced to abstain from raking in the plun- der, which none-too-kind Fortune had ?—- placed at his disposal. I therefore im- plore all noblemen and gentlemen to take warning by my woeful example, and avoid the “Fly-flat” as they would immatur whiskey, or tickets in a Hamburg lottery He is pretty easy to recognise, and must on no account be mistaken for “One of the Boys,” or that candidate for a paulo post-futurum workhouse, the harmless, but perhaps necessary, “Mug.” The “ Fly flat” is not only dangerous to himself, but his existence is inimical to others. That I should have been entrapped by his specious birdlime proves that even a Solon might be deceived by oaths, considerably more veracious in quality than those em- ployed in her Majesty’s Courts of Equity and Justice. Yes, Sir, even the most knowing birds are occasionally “ twigged.” For instance, Mr. Artuvr Coventry, after despatching large fields of silken jackets with faultless celerity, had to return home on the Cambridgeshire day minus his well-appointed, and, I doubt not. well-lined, overcoat. Newmarket is, I take it, the Metropolis of the racing world, and the Jockey Club OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. must be the equine Houses of Lords and Commons rolled into one, while always in the Birdcage flit hither and thither the most radiantly-clad bi that ever de- lighted the eyeballs man. Neverthe- less, it seems to me that the Jockey Club, Monarchs and Masters of all they survey, resemble that old lady who, on arriving at forked roads, was undecided as to he: course of travel. Either the Jockey Club wants to keep its meetings Select, and available only for the Honoured Few who form Upper-Ten Society, or else it desires to attract to the Heath the Many who are not slow to repay Considerate Hospitality with £5. d. If the former be the object of the Club, it is as succe as were the Japanese ironclads in the late far Eastern war. If the latter, I, with all humility, aver that the Stewards go the wrong way to work. I believe that the eminent firm of Ber- TRAM cater for the unseen, but always craving, inner man, both at Newmarket and Kempton Park. I will guarantee that were Messrs. Joun and WILLIAM examined before a Select Committee of Turfites, they could point out the horrible gulf of non-accommodation which is placed be- tween the Jockey Club Show at New- market and that so sagaciously governed by Mr. 8. H. Hype from his Elizabethan Castle by the Thames. Indeed, honoured Sir, I fancy that you yourself might give valuable testimony, for, if my waning eye- sight did not deceive me, I could swear that an aristocratic gentleman who lighted his choice Havana with a five- pound note after the victory of Vesuvian in the Dewhurst Plate, was none other than mon rédacteur princier. My know- ledge of the Gallic tongue is, I may add, mainly derived from a French marquis, who stood to win £20,000 ever Omnium II., and borrowed the cash necessary for the return journey to his native land from Your trustful adherent, Darsy Jones. P.S.—Next week I shall have Some- thing on Toast for you and yours. There should be many a Christmas Turkey in my information. Was that indeed you, hon- oured Sir? [We hasten to resent Darny Jowns’s insinua- tion. In the first place, we were not at Newmarket, but at the Foreign—never mind. Secondly, we could not be euilty of such asinine conduct aa that described. The individual referred to must have been D. J.’s friend, the ‘‘ Fly-flat.””—Ep. ] Chorus for the New Anti-Jingoism. We used to back the Turk, But we’re w of that work, Our old policy is shifting as an opal. We'll skedaddle from the Nile, Just to make the Frenchmen smile, And the Russians now may take Con-stan- ti-no-ple ! Bravo, Sypennam!—The Directors of the Crystal Palace announce that next year all their efforts will be devoted to the celebration of the sixtieth year of the Queen’s reign. The splendid building is. without doubt, the best conservatory of Her Masesty’s good deeds, which have never ceased to blossom since the exhibi- tion of 1851 proved how foolish it was for foreigners to throw stones at our great national glass house. Tue REASON WHY WE HAVE HAD 80 MUCH Wer Weartner. — Because the Sun was locked up at the Chinese Embassy. —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novewsar 7, 1896. o*o, LIGUEUE OF THE | FOR COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, dc., DRINK ‘G22 VICHY CELESTING s(t throughout the Kingdom Sole Coens chante Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. DOY

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PUNCH, OR THE © LONDON CHARIV ARI. NovemBer 7, 1896. EVERY HOME BEAUTIFIED by Photographs and Photegravares after Celebrated PICTURES. /Uustrated 1 ( ahalogue /- STREET, LONDON, W “ NEW KOND BERLIN PHOTOGRAPHIC CO. SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD. | MANUFACTURED BY THE | RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lrp., | AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. ROAD SKATING i Won’t Wash Clothes. Practising with Saloon Lady for Ladies, Attendant BROOKE’S MONKEY BRAND SOAP. Won't Wash Clothes. FOR CLEANING, SCOURING, AND SCRUBBING FLOORS AND KITCHEN TABLES, FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR-RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, MANTELS, &c. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c. PACKHAM’S It only requires a little practi RITTER KOs D SKATE toe nable AW vm + has never had on a pai takute % to attain pro ficiency, and bea te on the roads at any speed up to If ice a0 he ur CAN KE *REN AND TRIED AT THE ARE MADE WITH ROAD SKATE Co.'s snow rooms, DISTILLED WATER. 271, Oxford Street, W. Manufactory, Croydon. hn hi hi hi hi hh hh he he hh hh ee ee A ll ln li, Al, i li, Alin lili li. li, li li lili li, li ‘li. li lili li li lili. ll. li, ‘lili. ll, ls li. lt. li. . oN N96 2525 25 752525 2525 252525 ee ee ae 5252525 25e5e5e5 25 JO) O4Ojooo “The NEW COF FEE. Delicious, and enjoyed by those who can take no other.” " PEPTONIZED MILK AND COFFEE. A Doctor writes :—* As near perfection as one can desire.’’ if . 6A, and Is. 6d. Obtainable everywhere. VO RY & MOORE, London. ee -—— SoC oe MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Dairy Consumption, 50 Tous. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. a Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. #9, Loraine Road, Holiowa , in the Parish of 5 Seer. Islington, in the County of Middlesex. at the Printing Offices of Messrs. bury, Lombard Street, in the Precinet of Whitefriars, in the City o' London, and published by him at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—Sarompar, Limited, —- Gp note bot og 7, ides. CHOCOLAT AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS | EVERY SATURDAY. PUBLISHED

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(, b\ jibes nf! “f ie SS) Ci iE " > e w > Ww AN N° VOLUME CXI. . ' a ——_- NOVEMBER 14 : RZ SE a SDA PTO MA TTIS. CEG Lys aan ameeteteneten nae atm ~ayS Nj ) PUBLISHED —_ je if int a | ly 4c uth >. Son ee uly "a! 1 i iff oh \\ Ny ’ ul ‘i

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ons, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings. or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, da by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exceptioc ributi unications or Cont tea Comm not even when accompani« rejec ew” NOTICE

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Novemper 14, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CH. ARIVARI. LE ow. ao” t~ The Pride of the Hunt (to Smith, who, for the last ten minutes, has been gallantly struggling with obstinate gate), PERHAPS YOU REALLY CAN'T OPEN THAT GATE, UNGRATEFUL. ad WILL KINDLY MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, AND ALLOW ME TO JUMP IT!” SMITH, IF YOU THE TWO PRESIDENTS. [A friend of Mr. McKryuey says that he dis- regards ‘‘ artistic and intellectual interests.” Daily Graphic, October 30.) McKrntey has no love for art— Such trifles are not in his way— Unlike the President we start, The painter Poynter, P.R.A Bimetallism is a quite Entrancing study, some men say ; It’s intricacies may delight McKuntey of the U.S.A. But raise this country’s taste till we Raise no more monuments—or stay, Raze some as bad as bad can be— Oh, painter Poynter, P.R.A.! The London statues, as a whole, Might make the vest Goldite gay, And stir that inartistic soul, McKuntey of the U.S.A. Of paintings, too, there are complaints, But into these we need not stray, Because he personally > Does painter Poynter, P.R The figure nude, the figure oe The figure clerical or lay ; The frightful modern dress, as bad With us as in the U.S.A. All these he might improve, no doubt, And try to sweep bad taste away ; If so, he’d find his work cut out, Would painter Poynter, P.R.A. one President, and Punch was his prophet. THE WALKYRIE COLLECTION.., Waker, like Christmas, comes but once A GREAT CHANCE. Tus from the advertising columns of the Morning Post :— a year, with his ( ‘hristmas books, pocket- 1 RASS.—Any Lady or Gentleman wishing a books, and diaries. The printed descrip- I quiet turn out for winter months; 40 acres | tions of these pocket- Reate (which are all abundance of grass, water; nice loose boxes | pocketable, that is, after legitimate pur- terms, with every attention, | chase, when they become presentable), 4s. per week ; dealers ignored. | are sometimes magnificent, often interest- What an opportunity a lady or gentle-| ing, and occasionally touching. Thus man wearied by London summer season, | how spacious must be the Imperial Pocket, unwilling to face the “festive” season of | Which can hold “ Russia,” and, next in Christmas, and only asking for plenty of | size, “ Morocco.” How strong could be space (“40 acres ’’) for exercise when fine, the interest that every admirer of such and a loose box to run into when it rains. books as Alice in Wonderland or of Sand- “Abundance of grass,” too. Wouldn’t | ford and Merton would take in ordering this be the very thing for a “Grass | a specimen of “ Polished Crocodile.” How i | the tender-hearted would willingly ex- | ound six shillings in comforting “Crushed Morocco.” That “Cloth limp” should be At Molton. | set down as “ Fast” nw a moral That crock of yours | The notice that “ Diaries are Renewable ” | seems to be an offer made, perhaps on ad- Second S yrtsman. Yes; he has always | vantageous terms, by Destiny to the mor- been like that since I lent him to a well- | tal purchaser. From experience, Mr known English tenor. | Punch praises the Walkerie Pencils. Mr. First. Sportsman (drily). You should | Pynch has ere now described them as the have taken him in exchange. | handiest of the handy, and he may now ladd, that as “handy” they “take the ” There is but | palm. a run, to run into if wet; ortsman. seems to a bit of a songster. First 8 Hutto, Bors, Hutio0! the the PresipENTIAL.—The Silverites in United States are now known as Silver-wrongs. Vide our congratulatory cartoon last week announcing the election before the | news was received here. VOL. CXI, x

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[ NovEMBER 14, 1896. | [- aequiaaoy ‘Aupsoupe A ‘Kuapwoy [ehoy ey} Jo JUSpIse1g pazoe]9 SUM “"V"Y ‘MHLNAOY ‘f “A) "LOSI ,, sdhbg wr 29D487 ,, fo aangnd uno sry 4a fo finn buco) ¥ ‘NOILISOd NI WIH ONILLNd OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. PUNCH,

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| “ Popular Anatomy ” “The War of the sy = wie . . hee acy a of the Facial Angle”’ . | « The Descent of Man ” | A Reviewer of Books is disturbed in his sanctum by a request from a Literary Young Woman, | Yet with them there are strangers, too, Who doughty deeds have done. Who caught that thought of “ derring do” That makes the wide world one. | Summers in the Vineyards of South | Shall now his deathless ballads sing November 14, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN IMPERIAL PROGRAMME. Ir is understood that the Council of the Imperial Institute are taking measures to prevent a repetition of recent “Conglomer- ate” proceedings. A series of twelve lectures is contemplated, which it is hoped will at once restore confidence and replenish the coffers of the Institute. The subjects and the lecturers in the following syllabus, which has not yet been finally approved, are quite above suspicion : — “Sound and Colour ”’ : The Moore and Burgess Minstrels. ¢ ° ° . Mr. Gzornce Epwarpes. “‘ Centrifugal Force and the Properties of the Circle ” . A - Lorp GeorGe Sanozr. Mr. Trmoruy Heaty, M.P. Mr. ArntucR Roperts. Mrs. OnmisTon CHanrT. Mr. Steeplejack Harrison. Professor BALDWIN. Mr, WiLi1aM Sykes. Dr. EL1zaBeTH MARTIN. M. Vittemessant, of the Figaro. “ Moral — we ‘The Ascent of Man”’ “‘ The Transfer of Property ” “The Eye and all about it”. ‘* French without a Master ’’. Kensington ”’ . ‘ Sir Somers Vine. A Cat-astrophe at Hamburg. Ir is not generally known that, in addition to his love for boarhounds, Prince M-RCK is an ardent admirer of the feline race. The other day at Hamburg he loosed a splendid Russian- German cat from his bag, which caused great wonder in all European menageries. It was originally an unsuspected member of the Triple Happy Family, which Prince B. formerly managed, but its presence was wholly unsuspected by the Austrian Eagle and the Italian Buffalo. It is believed, moreover, that the great showman has several other equally startling specimens of kindred race, but he sincerely regrets that he has no Anglo-Teutonic freak in his collection. At least one Imperial authority inclines to the idea that Prince B. is afflicted with Kutzen-jammer, and wishes that he would retire to Heligoland. Tue Lortiest Bati-pLtay KNown.—That of Sir Ropert Batt, who is constantly landing himself among the stars. Bad Little Boy. *‘ You vert your Brorner! an’ J'LL BREAK EVERY PANE O' GLASS IN YOUR Facg!” SPORTIVE SONGS. who perpetrates fiction, Wuere sparrows build I have my nest, High on the topmost floor. The very place for work and rest, With close and “sported” door. What matter if the street boy yell “The winner!” Here his voice Can scarcely reach. Mid asphodel I could not more rejoice. Repose for me is A tranquil air my books surround, Friends that can never fail To rouse, refresh, make pleasant sound In words that never pale ! For speech is theirs, loud to the ears As if they spoke indeed! The solace of a lifetime’s years They bring to those who read. sanity is doubtful.” Brave classic Horace, minstrel king, l with Falernian wine, With music-words divine! Let Viner, meet the d old Greek - Who told the tale of Troy, And I, amid the great antique, ome again a boy! Let SHaksPEARE supplement the feast, ing here? And Hazuirt’s subtle pen, Dimes. Not a bit. A hundred others I could name Whose style can never fade, The pioneers of English fame Where English hopes are laid! You see that all my spirit goes Back to the faded past. I do not like the mind that knows The jJeaves that cannot last. What’s this! A ring! I quit mine ease ; | ed! Or one Lzymariz, who shot at a police- man, the report—not of the pistol, but of those who examined the shooter—was that “he professes to be an anarchist, but his should be read “therefore.” The sentence ought to have been, “He professes to be an anarchist ; if this is proved to be true, then his insanity is beyond question.” If not true, he is sane, and a criminal. At Ventnor. Grimes (to Dimes, a famous Alpine ex- plorer). Why, what on earth are you do- ungs not weak, I hope ? AN APPEAL, [A large parte of the numerous recent bi- cycling accidents to ladies has been caused by the dangerous practice of ** coasting,” or riding with the feet on the foot-rests, down-hill.— Daily Paper. } Pritnee, PHY.uis, give up coasting— This appeal to you ia making : | Tis your neck, down hillsides ting— And my heart—you ’re after breaking ! | Woman—so they say who know her— Let not this suggestion rankle— Chiefly coasts that she may show her A book! A note! You ask, “Do please Pretty foot and well-turned ankle | To read Miss Go-a-head!” | Even so, pray give up coasting, ————— Homage I will duly render, And instead, admire them toasting, If I may, upon the fender! “ Silly libel!” Yes, I know it— On that point we need not quarrel ; But he is concerned, your poet, For tha Queen who gave his laurel. Coasting is a “ dangerous practice,” Let me beg of you to end it; Do not argue, for, the fact is, Argument cannot defend it. Surely, for “but” Yes, I know—you say you ’ve never Had a spill yet—don’t be boasting! Though you do it “clean and clever,” Prithee, Puy.1is, give up coasting! But the fact of the TRELAWNEY from the glowing east, matter is, it does me good to climb up to “Tempora Mutantur.” — Rather! See Make bright my dingy den! the station every morning to get my daily the Times of a century ago reproduced And shall my Scorr papected be, papers. this week. Or shunned my dear Deror? ———_—_—_—__————_ _ a What time that Krxestzy makes our Sea Tue Very Oupest Moror-Car.—The Porvtar Toast tn A Raprpiy Increas- The pride of Westward Ho! Whirli-gig of Time. ing Susvrs.—*“ Brix-ton and mortar!”

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232 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novamper 14, 1896, JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS, (By Basoo Hurry Bunosno Jappersez, B.A.) No. XXVIL Mr. Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town, thereby affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit of his personal assistance, An apparent allemot to pack the Jury. Tue Public will be astounded at the news (which came with the perfect novelty of a surprise upon this insignificant self) that I have ceased to be the cherished guest beneath the hired Scottish roof of Mister Leayric Atusutt-INnertrt and his bucksome lady. It fell out after this fashion. . One fine September morning, when I was accoutri — in order to go out and hunt the robert (N.B. a genuine local Scotticism for individuals belonging to the rabbit genius), there came to me my young friend Howarp, who was to teach my young idea how to shoot, in great gloom, asking me if it would take me a prolonged period to pack up. my impedimenta. Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram. I replied that I could do the trick instantaneously, inquiring the reason for his question. “ Because,” said he, “if I were you, I should have a wire re- quiring me to come up to London at once.” “From my solicitor?” I inquired. “Is he then desirous of consulting with me ?”’ My friend answered me that it was the one object of his present existence. “In that case,” said I, rather spiritedly, “let him come up here, since I am not a mountain that I should obey the becking call of any Mahomet. Moreover, I am impatient to achieve the de- struction of some Scottish roberts.” “If you will take my advice,” he said, “ you will t them a reprieve, and make a scarcity of yourself. There is a train for Glasgow which you can just catch. I wouldn’t distress the Mater and Governor by any farewells, you know.” “ But,” I objected, “I am not even in receipt of any tele : Nor can I possibly omit the etiquette of a ceremonious Rave. taking with your honourable parents.” “ Just as you please,” replied he. “Just now the Governor and Mater are in the front sitting-room, engaged in perusing the back numbers of your precious ‘ Jossers and Tidlers’ or whatever you call ’em, which have been thoughtfully forwarded by a rela- tive. I don’t think I’d disturb them.” “Are they so hugely interested in the performances of my un- assuming penna’” I cried, with the gratified simpering of a flattered. “It looked like it when I left the room,” said he; “the Mater was very near roiling on the oilcloth, and the Governor dancing and foaming from his mouth. What an awfully old ass you have been, Jas, to go and blurt out everything in print—about your breach of promise case, and getting to know us, and—worst of all—being merely a bogey prince. Naturally, we don’t care about being made to look fools. The dear old Mater, you know, is one of those simple, trusting natures that, if they once dis- cover they have been taken in by a sham title, why, they kick up the row of a deuce! And, as for the Governor, he’s the sort of old retiring chap that has a downright loathing of pub- licity, when it es him ridiculous. If he came across you just now, there’s really no saying what he mightn’t do. He’ssuch a devilishly hot-tempered old boy!” I did not comprehend the reasons for such exuberant anger, but, of course, yo Howakp insisted so ently on physical dangers to myself if I delayed, that I hastened stealthily to my room by a backstair, and flinging my paraphernalia with incred- ible despatch into a portmanteau, was so fortunate as to convey it out oF the house without attracting the invidious attention of my host and hostess, who were probably still occupied in foam- “on rolling upon the carpet like angry waves sea. oung Howarp accompanied me to the station, though blam- ing me as the cause of his embroilment with his progenitors, who, it seems, had insisted—quite unjustly—that he must have known from the first that my nobility was merely a brevet rank; and Miss Wxe-wex bade me farewell with a soft and perfectly lady- like cordiality, being too grieved by my departure to make any allusion to the head and front of my offending. Now I am once more in London, paying daily visits of several hours to the office of my solicitor, in order to assist him in the pre tion of my brief. he other day, Baboo JaLranysHoy and Baboo CuuckEr- suTTy Ram attended for the purpose of arranging their evidence, when I regret to say the former made a rather paltry exhibition of himself, being declared by Mr. Smanrruxe himself to be totally incompetent to prove anything whatever material to the case, and I am therefore resolved to refuse him admission to the witness-box. I am more hopeful of Mr. Cuuckersutrty Ram, who, I think, after diligent coaching from myself, may be induced to restrain his natural garrulity, and speak no more than is set down for him, which is simply that I have already, in his presence, con- tracted matrimony with a juvenile native, and that the laws of my country entitle me to marry several more. This is in support of one of my most subtle pleadings of defence, to wit, that t ve already offered to marry the plaintiff accord- ing to my country’s laws, but that she did definitely decline such a marriage as polygamous, (which it is indubitably liable to be- come at any moment,) consequently, that my said contract is nilled by mutual consent. Mr. Smartie was of the opinion that the plaintiff's solicitors would move to strike out such a pleading as bad in law, since it is no defence to an action for breach of promise that the defend- ant is already the Benedick. Fortunately they have omitted to do this, and I anticipate exciting excessive admiration in Court by the ingenuity of my arguments from Analogy, Common Sense, Roman Law, &c. My said solicitor has also communicated with Hon’ble Sir | CHETwyNp CUMMERBUND, to inquire if he would consent to ap- as a witness to my dependent filial condition, and entire | ack of the sinews of war; which, with fatherly kindness, he has | agreed to do, and, as he rather humorously puts it, convince | the jury that I am the good riddance of bad rubbish. Now the decks are cleaned for action, and all is ready for the forensic logomachy as soon as it may please Providence and some associate in the Queen’s Bench Division to place the suit of Mankletow v. J abberjec in the list of causes for the day. ; My solicitor’s advice, which I shall very probably adopt, is to keep as close as possible to the issues, and more especially to the int that, if I gave any promise to marry at all, it was extorted om me by threats of bodily violence which reduced me to 4 blue funkiness. Also he recommends that I am not to attempt any golden- | mouthed eloquence, thereby making the lamentable exhibit | of a most stupendous ignorance of human nature! For what can melt the stony hearts of men, causing them to | bellow like an ox and become tender as chickens, or what can rouse them to Indignation, Approval, Contempt, Wonderment, and every other known sentiment as required, so effectively as the trumpeting tongue of oratorical eloquence ?

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| pennys of entrance. What droll of church! And the good man |, sleep—I part from the excellent station of the railway of the November 14, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. All I can aver is that, if Iam not to be permitted to draw the glittering sword of my tongue from the scabbard of my mouth, I shall infallibly, in sheer sickishness at such short-sighted folly, throw up my brief! I must not omit to say that if any of my fellow-colleagues on this periodical (of course including Hon’ble Editor) should | be anxious to become eye-witnesses of my forensic début,I shall be overjoyed to procure their admission, and will instruct the Usher that they are to be awarded the seats of honour. Perhaps it might even be feasible for two or three of them to obtain appointments as jurymen. If so, let them not turn the deaf ear to the gentle wheezings of their esprit de corps, but remember that it is not the custom for one eagle to peck another in his optics. P.S.—Since writing the above, my attention has been drawn to sundry abusive threats and challenges by your esteemed con- tributor, Hon’ble AvcustE, offering to arrange a meeting for mortal combat with certain Parisian warrior journalists, or if I am a “poltroon,” he is to beat me blue and black and pull me by the nose. I wish to assure him, first, that it is not humanly possible that I can be a “ poltroon,” since I do not even compre- hend the meaning of the term! Secondly, that, being immersed in litigation over head and ears, it is not convenient, or even practicable, for me either to box or permit the pulling of my nose at present date. Thirdly, that it was not this unoffending self whom he saw at Brighton in a false red and white collar and a pork-pie bonnet, since I am never at Brighton, nor do I weer such ludicrous garbage, but ordinary simple European attire Let him be mindful of the antique fable of the Wolf and the Lamb, and not respond to me, “If not yourself, then it was in- dubitably your mother.” Finally, I beg to tender him the most abject and gentlemanly apology, and shall always regard him as my loving brother. H. B. J. |Ep. Norr.—The air having been thus completely cleared, this unfortunate controversy must be considered to have ended. AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE. EDIMBOURG. (Conéd.) Dear Mister,—I have written you there is eight days how I am of return to the hotel in the Prince Street, after to have visited the melancholy singing coffee, where the “bagpips” wanted entirely. Eh well, being fatigued, I couch myself on the field, suwr-le-champ. Well soon I find that I have beautiful to couch myself, I have | beautiful to essay of to sleep, it is impossible! And for why? All simply at cause of the insupportable noises of the detestable trains, there in face. I have utiful to turn myself, I have beautiful to cover imyself the ears, all is unuseful, I sleep not of the whole. All the night, absolutely without cease, I hear the whistlings, the rollings, the noises. Of time in time I lift myself, and for to repose myself, I walk myself of long in large and I regard by the window, which gives on the valley and on the castle. A beautiful view, but I have enough of her, I | assure you of it! I see her in effect by night, by the feeble | light of the erépuscule, at the point of day, and in full day, without the least relaxation of the sacrés bruits en bas, the sacred noises in low. By blue! Mieur vaut, for to repose himself, to pass the night even in a spanish train, than in a | room on the street of an hotel at Edimbourg! In the train | one hears but the sole train, in the room one s of them an infinity! Only towards the six hours I distinguish less the noises of the trains, because the noises in the street commence. He goes without to say that I descend of good morning, of very good morning. At nine o’clock and half I go to visit the Castle, that I have already seen so well from my chambre a coucher— a coucher, parbleu! I arrive too soon, the apartments are not yet open, I must attend. In attending I see to pass some brave soldiers, some “ Hihlanders,” of the “ Blackvatch.” Ah, what droll of costume! But the men are magnificent. I hear also a little the music—tiens /—of the “bagpips.” Oh, la la! I wish not more of her! In fine I visit the apartments, and then I go to the Cathedral. I enter rapidly, being pressed, and at the instant that I mount the marches of the portal, a man, seated at a table, arrests me with some crys. He demands three cried himself so much of violence, because he feared of to lose | the pennys, that which would be insupportable for a Scottish. But when I say to him, “Frighten not yourself, I am stranger, I knew not that he must to pay, I pay volunteerly, but be polite at the least,” he becomes more civil. When I enter I find that, to true to say, it is not the pain. For the church is entirely AFTER THE CAB STRIKE. Very Light Porter. ‘‘ No, Stn, THE DOIN’ UP OF THAT STRIKE AIN’T DONE US NO GOOD; 'AVEN’T 'AD NOTHINK TO CARRY NOT FOR A Week, Sin; QUITE A TREAT THIS 18, Sir.” remise & neuf, reput to new. More late I discover that the ancient edifices of Edimbourg are thus new, and that the new edifices, the moderns, are ancient—as the office of post, the hotel, and the fragments of the miserable station of Waverley. What droll of town! Then I visit the home of Joun Knocks, and the Palace of Hollyrude, all sad and in a miserable quarter. From there I go to the hill of Calton, and the coacher of the fiacre essays of to show to me the view so extended. But the fog, until here grey, becomes much more thick, and I see absolutely nothing, ex- cepted the monuments. Oh, the drolls of monuments! Above all the “National Monument,” the fragment of a copy of the Parthenon. Ah ¢a, un véritable jeu d’esprit, absolument in- attendu, absolutely inattended in this country so solemn! At midday he commences to fall of the rain. Edimbourg by the most beautiful day of sun is grey and sad. But by a day of fog and of rain, my faith! I rest at the hotel, and, ane enough of time, I visit the ascenseur, a veritable object o interest, anciently perhaps in the house of Joun Knooxs. He goes so gently that if one is pressed one mounts by the stair- case. He is even more slow than the ascensors of the italian hotels. And, par dessus le marché, above the market, one sees on the door the american word “Elevator,” that which is the most rapid ascensor of the world! An American and his wife and me, who make the ascension together, we laugh much of it. The afternoon I visit, all wetted, the bridge of the Fourth, and the evening—not wishing to pass one other night without North-west, I couch myself in the good waggon-bed of the train, and I sleep—ah but, so well !—just until London. Agree, &c., AvGusTE. DesinaB_e Quauity vor a Pickrocket.—Pursepickacity. carla di. aaa —e

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemaer 14, 1896. CUT SHORT. Affected Young Poet, ‘‘Do, Miss BELLA, GRANT ME ONE FAVOUR. Ler ME AsK You———” mn | Miss Bella, ‘1 KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY. YOU WANT ME TO LEND You A Hair-PIn ! HELIOS ON THE AUTOCAR, Old Soul's Soliloquy, on Saturday, November 14 1896.) Ir doesn’t want horses, it doesn’t want sails, It doesn’t want wings, and it doesn’t want rails, Nor reins, nor a whip, nor a bridle! Prometheus was right! There is nous in this Man! And since he has hit on this capital plan, To stand out any longer were idle. My chariot and steeds look romantic—in Art! But they are such a trouble! A countryman’s cart Is safe whilst slow market-wards plodding. But going the Zodiac Course at my pace, With horses like mine of a high-mettled race !— It leaves not a moment for nodding! Young Phaeton’s self might have handled this car! Mount, turn on a tap, and by Jove, there you are! Might make poems, or love, whilst on duty. Whilst I—I might set all creation on fire If I stopped for a tipple, or happened to tire, Or winked at a by-standing beauty. Could not stand a growler, much less a two D. ’bus. But this autocar!—it would not disgrace Phoebus. In fact, I’ve no doubt proud Apollo, Who calls himself God of the Sun—which is fudge !|— If finding my autocar answer, will judge It were wise my example to follow! He’s thundering cocky; but if my new trap Should give him the go-by, the bumptious young chap Won’t like to be licked by old Solly. By Jove, I must have one! It won’t want much care, And then I may cut Phoebus out with the Fair, And that will be awfully jolly. Besides, I can give my poor horses a rest, Or send ’em to grass, if petroleum proves best, As a motor, or e’en electricity. Kim up!—for the last time, my beauties! J’m on! As an autocar-driver the life of the Sun Will be one of supremest felicity! In the Grand Hotel Smoking-Room. Artist (who refers to the election of the President of the Academy). Most satisfactory election that of the New President ? Yankee (who refers to the future President of the United States). Yes. I reckon the gold bugs will make things hum. | Artist (somewhat confused). Splendid works of his, “Israel in Egypt ” and “A Visit to A’sculapius,” eh? Yankee (equally confused). I’m referring, Sir, to “sound money.” Artist. That must have been one of his earlier efforts. ( Aside.) He’s certainly cracked. ( Aloud.) Good-night. [Kzit hurriedly. Yankee. Good-night. Guess the cocktails here are too strong for that young man. Egypt! Israel! Asculapius. He’s seeing snakes, I’m off! [Exit himself, precipitately. ProstematicaL.—Should the shareholders, who rejected their directors’ carefully-prepared scheme, neglect to furnish “the Wherewithal ” to carry out their own plans, then “ The Chartered Company” may deem it advisable to change its name to “The Shattered Company.” Supsect ror aN Opgratic Cartoon, To BE Entitiep “THE Hoarse BEror® THE Carte.”—The Manager of the Savoy sympa- thetically listening to a tenor suffering from a severe cold. Appropriate Wish To AN INVETERATE SMOKER ON His Brrts- pay.—“ Many happy returns to your pipe.”

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Swain Xe Mr. Puoncw. * TOO MANY MASTERS, GENTLEMEN! YOU'LL NEVER GET HIM AWAY WHILE YOU KEEP PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser f —/s / YW) ah hi ils (} by i th tially i Na) ‘iy 4, Wy A! i) ii its ik Sus { THE TURKISH FOX. 14, 1896. vA y On f apie 4 / VA / if.

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Novemper 14, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 237 DISCOURAGING. The Poet's Wife. ‘Gor A CHEQUE FROM YOUR PuBLISHERS!?” The Poet (wearily). ‘‘Yes: A Post-cARD, SAYING, ‘FoR MERCY’S SAKE GIVE US A REST!'” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Puit May’s Gutter Snipes, which are veritable “ snipe-shots,” taken on the spot, and every one of them a hit, is the best collection of genuinely humorous _pic- tures from the London streets that can be seen anywhere. Every figure in it is a type recognisable by all Londoners. The humour is comic, grim, pathetic. It depends solely on the drawing, unas- sisted by dialogue. They are, indeed, “Living Pictures.” They have been brought out in one handsome volume by the Leadenhall Press, Limited, and should | have an unlimited circulation. The pictures in Nonsense for Somebody, Anybody, and Everybody, written an illustrated by A Nobody, are eccentric and amusing, and a dash of colour adds to their effect. The verses, though they may possibly have suggested the illustrations, are not up to the pictures, and cannot for a moment be compared with those ancient ones of King Lear in this particu- lar line, and of this particular sort of line. It is brought out by Garpner, Darton & | Co., of Paternoster Buildings. The first volume of The Political Life of William Ewart Gladstone—“a noble volume” Lord Rosgpery calls it—brings | a marvellous career up to the end of the | Session of 1876, which, at the moment all unknowing, witnessed the withdrawal of | Mr. Disrakwi from the House of Commons. | Mr. Punch, of whose many sterling quali- ties modesty is not least marked, feels some delicacy in writing about the work | dof his own progeny. Happily he is re- lieved by no less an authority than the | Prime Minister from the task of cDing the objects and estimating the value o the work. “It is valuable,” writes Lord Satispuny, “as a record of successive phases of political feeling, and to one who can remember those times, it is full of interesting reminiscences.” That's about it, all packed into a sentence. It may perhaps be added that for a younger gene- ration who cannot remember the times, here is rare opportunity of seeing how they looked beheld through keen, ob- servant eyes. With something of a shock of surprise my Baronite is re- minded that Mr. Guapstone’s Parliament- ary career began nine years before Mr. Punch, by the issue of his first number, formally assumed kindly charge of the affairs of the Universe. Once at his post he took note of young GLapsTong, and for the last fifty years there are few of his weekly numbers that have not con- tained some pictorial note of this wonder- ful life. The first time Mr. GiapsTone was pictured in Punch was in the Session of 1859, when he interposed in debate on the Reform Bill of that year. It is a slight sketch, illustrating a Homeric ver- sion of the debate, in which reference is made to “the Classic Guapstong.” His first appearance in a full-page cartoon 1s in connection with his Budget in 1861. He is presented as the dentist in attendance on Master Bu, comforting the apprehensive youth with assurance that so far from extracting any more teeth in the way of income-tax he means to remit a penny. Thereafter, through all the changes of a bustling life, Mr. Guapstong periodically re-appears. It is interesting to watch, as the years pass, how the side-whiskers disappear, the hair grows more scanty over the lofty brow, the wrinkles deepen on the mobile face, the tall, slim figure begins to droop, the decades, as they accumulate, carrying him farther and farther away from the cast and stamp of the dark-haired, bright-faced, dis- tinguished-looking young man whose portrait prefaces the volume. This is an engraving from the picture taken by W. Brapiey of Mr. Giapstonse in his twenty-eighth year, which to-day hangs in Hawarden Castle. The iilustratons of the volume are, of course, unique. The letterpress is a masterpiece of lucid con- densation, marked by judicial tone rare in the biographies of political personages. Tue Baron. Mr. Puwrcn'’s Desion vor “Reverse” or PENNY TO BE ISSUED IN CELEBRATION OF THE SixtrerH Year or Her Gracious Masesry’s REIGN. ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ——_. [November 14, 1896, | CHARIVARL FANCY PICTURE REPRESENTING SOME Tae DAY AFTER THE “ LIVER-Y MEN" OF THE Cc LONDON ! OF GUILDHALL BANQuet. SARK ON SULPHUROUS WATERS. Exrracts raom THe Travet Diary or Topsy, M.P. Harrogate, Monday.—“ It’s very curious,” said the Member for Sark, with a faraway look in his eyes. “ What is curious?” I asked, gently. Sark is, I fear only temporarily, a changed man. bers on the other side of the House of Commons used indifferently to call arrogance, censoriousness, or dogmatism, has disappeared. Remarkable what effective solvent for these qualities are two twelve-ounce tumblers of strong “Old” sulphur water, taken before breakfast, followed at intervals later in the da by two eight-ounce tumblers of chalybeate, totting up with twenty minutes’ stew in strong sulphur bath, heated to 98 degrees. “It’s curious,” Sark continued, with just the slightest sus- picion of accustomed acerbity, “how, dealing with identical per- sons suffering from precisely the same diseases, real or i ined, methods of treatment and personal customs vary at different watering-places. At Aiz-leo-Daine, for example, having had your bath, you are carefully bundled up in blankets till you closely resemble a mummy. Two men enter the bath-room carrying a sort of sedan chair. Into this you are lifted; another twist is given to your blankets; the curtains are closed; you are carried off to your hotel, dropped into your bed (or somebody else’s) and there left for twenty minutes—not a second less, not a beat of the pendulum more. I think, cher Tobee, you once told a story of an incursion of one of these bundles into your bedroom at Aix-les-Bains ? ” I blushed as I recalled how, standing one morning at the window of my bachelor room in the Hotel Splendide, feasting my eyes on the azure plain of Lake Bourget, and the jagged roof-tree of the mountains that girdle it, the door opened. Two men entered with sedan chair; set it on the floor; turned down the bed-lothes—my bedclothes—and bundled into my bed a portly female. Afterwards, the porters explained that, the y's What Mem- | | French not being that of Aix-les-Bains, they had misunderstood her instructions, and conveyed her to the wrong room. But that is another story, and if Sark had only had a third twelve-ounce tumbler of what here is always affectionately | alluded to as “Old” sulphur, he would have been too depressed | to have hunted up the reminiscence. “Well,” continued Sark, “ what I mean is this. According to the rule at Aix-les-Bains, after taking a bath, otherwise under | precisely the same conditions as at Harrogate, it is imperatively | required that for a while you lay up under the blankets. At | Bath the same principle obtains to the extent that having | stewed for the ordered time in a hot bath, you sit for a quarter of an hour in the cooling-room. There is the alternative, also | recalling the custom at Aix-les-Bains, that at Bath you may be carefully wrapped up and sent home in a bath-chair, with in- structions to lie down to cool off. Neither at Harrogate nor at Homburg is there any such observance. soon as you have had your bath, the attendants, so to speak, call the watch together, let you go, and thank Heaven they are rid of a rogue. “Then there’s drinking water. At Aix-les-Bains there is no water to drink, consequently you don’t drink it. At Bath a tumbler of water is incidentally served whilst you sit in the cool- ing room. Also there is a pump-room, where inoffensive water is taken in moderate quantities. But it is not, as at Homburg, Aix-la-Chapelle, and Harrogate, a leading feature in the cure. At Homburg, some people take baths; all drink water. The fashionable hour is 7 a.m., when the band under the trees by the Elizabethan Brunnen hails smiling morn with a hymn tune. Within half an hour the leafy allée is thronged with 4 gay company, walking briskly up and down for the stipulated fifteen minutes intervening between successive glasses of water. In the miserable little garden enclosing the wells at Aix-la- Chapelle, there is the same brisk walking to and fro, round and round, to the strains of a beautiful band. Here they don't commence with a hymn, but a touch of solemn respectability

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meh NS \G ‘ty Za Ot gd SA Oo Za Zé ii ZN || ' ae ff ¥ A / y 7 iil ale 4 — = 7 (hak; MARKIE RS 4 0s WM | THE MOTOR ’BUS. Fussy Old Gent. ‘‘H1! Srop! stor! I WANT TO GET DOWN.” Driver. ‘‘I CAN'T STOP THE BLOOMIN’ THING is given to the proceedings by every man in the band wearing a top hat. That is interesting as showing how serious a part of the cure water drinking is regarded under some systems. At Harrogate we take our water strong and often. But save during a limited portion of the season we have no band, top hatted or otherwise ; nor any long, leafy alée in which to stroll. “Next consider the drinking utensils. At Homburg it is the thing to have your own cu for you. prevails. his cup when he has finished, and, arriving in the morning, goes straightway to take it down. I remember one morning, at Aix- eT ee a blustering German bullied the obliging maiden who filled t! tumblers, because on going to find his cup on his particu- lar nail, lo! it was not. She tremblingly went about till she came upon it (where he had put it) on the wrong hook. Ah me, the days that are no more! What a life I led that German. Every morning I was at the pump-room, bright and early; found his cup on its own particular peg; bore it off to a distant quarter ; hung it on an unappropriated hook. Then to see my friend enter, stamp up to his mtg find it cupless; to see him rage round, Woerth blazing in his eyes, Sédan reddening his tightly- closed knuckles! It did me more good than all the waters of Charlemagne’s town!” “That is still another story,” I diffidently observed. “Yes. Talking about cups, I was rather in them. I was going to say that, neither at Bath nor here, is it the custom to bring your own cup or glass. Then take towels. At all continental watering-places towelling is a solemn function. pointed time for concluding the bath is reached, the attendant enters, bringing towels almost red hot from the oven. In one he enfolds you and gently rubs you down. At Bath, this custom is followed to the extent of towels being brought in hot at the | conclusion of the bath. Here, the towels, rolled up and warmed to begin with, are placed in your dressing-room when you enter, | and thenceforward you look after yourself. “Finally, as to diet. At Homburg, patients are dieted as. rigorously as they are watered. In most cases, as at Carlsbad, butter is anathema. s, dry bread and coffee for breakfast, | broth and bread for luncheon, bruised beef for dinner, the meal 0 or glass, in which the water is drawn | At Aix-la-Chapelle the same custom almost exclusively | In order to meet it, there are in the pump-room tiers | of hooks, each numbered, upon which the water drinker hangs | When the ap-| | washed down by a moderate quantity of hock. At Aix-les-Bains, strawberries are strictly forbidden. As in the season wild straw- berries grow abundantly in the neighbourhood, they form the | principal feature at dessert. This serves a double debt to pay. It exercises the boarder in self-restraint, and it makes the straw- berries last a long time, to the profit of the hotel-keeper. At Bath, I do not remember any restrictions upon diet, whilst at Harrogate coffee, freely taken in identical cases in Homburg, is one of the few articles of daily diet absolutely tabooed. “Now, you know, dear Tony, these manners and customs, flatly contradicting each other, yet each in a particular place held as essential to a cure, cannot all be right. What are we | poor trusting patients to do?” | “Better pay your money and take your choice,” I said, sooth- | ingly. Sark was working himself up into a frame of mind incom- | patible with the twelve-ounce tumbler of “Old” sulphur at this | moment due. TO AN ORGAN-GRINDER. | [It has been decided in the Appeal Court, Queen’s Bench Division, that a | householder cannot order an organ-grinder to cease playing outside his resi- | dence unless he states his reasons for so doing.) Ox! hurdy-gurdy man, I wish that you would go away, | How can I doa stroke of work if you are going to play ? The language that you make me use I own is somewhat strong, But why distract me with the air of “ Now we shan’t be long”? Oh, macaroni-eating fraud from fair Italia’s land, "Tis useless to pretend, my man, that you “no understand,” I know the pugilistic art, so, if you won’t desist I’ll give you two good reasons with my left and dexter fist. The Prevailing Passion. | Father (reading newspaper). I see another Rugby man has been appointed Archbishop of Canterbury. That’s the third Rugby man in succession. a Ke | Son (a football enthusiast). Well, I think it is time one of the | Association had a turn.

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PUNCH, OR THE “LOND N- ah if ce Ae A AY v/;, by Aa A CAPITAL DODGE. AMONG NOTHING FASIER WHEN YOU K HIS NATIVE BANKS OLD PopDLES TAKES A LOT OF BEATING. HE SAYS THERE’ ‘EM. 8 NOW HOW TO NEGOCIATE DARBY JONES REFLECTS ON RACING. Honourep Sir,— There are moments | when a terrestrial angel is impelled by the force of untoward circumstances to make use of language which would scarcely be permitted within the Palace of St. Ste- phen’s, Westminster, without a vehement reproof from Mr. Speaker Guity. Such an incident occurred yesterday evening when, just as I was about to refresh my- self with a dish of Bohea and Green mixed, accompanied by the succulent muffin, one of your richly-liveried emissaries was an- neunced. With customary courtesy he handed me a large envelope superscribed in my name, addressed to your editorial | castle, and marked “Immediate. Impor- | tant. Confidential.” “This,” I thought | to myself, “is no doubt some flattering testimonial from one of my gratified cli- ents,” who are, alas! too scarce in propor- | tion to my well-known services. Having dismissed your ambassador, not without a trifling token of my goodwill, I tore open the cover! Then it was that, despite the teaching of the Poet Watts, my angry passions rose, for the communication was nothing more nor less than a Diatribe on the Sinfulness of Betting, “eqnouipenio’ by some far from sympathetic remarks with regard to one Ricnarp Dunn, a layer | of odds in the ready money or cash over the counter style of business, an operator whose magpie costume in days gone by | never failed to excite my warmest admira- | tion, and whose voice has ever struck me by its quality and sweetness to be well fitted for filling such temples of the lyric drama as Covent Garden Theatre, the |Grand Opera, Paris, or La Scala, Milan. I understand that this unfortunate Mr. Dunn, after having had the complaint against him as laid out by the Anti-Gam- bling League dismissed by the Kingston Magistrates, is now to be brought into a superior Court, where his alleged iniqui- ties will once more be subjected to the in- | spection of Themis, a goddess for whom I have but little sympathy, but much re- spect. It seems to me, Sir, that the con- tinual object of Certain Parties in this | Realm is the Sacrifice of Sane Citizens for the Protection of the “Juggins” (or “Mug”). Because there are a few thou- sand deabuital Idiots, who get periodi- cally overcome by excessive consumption of the produce of the juicy grape, the C H. ARIV ARI. [ NovEMBER 14, 1896, suite little barley, and the merry hop, these Parties urge us to shut up those houses of refreshment which are, in my opinion, so many watch towers of Consti- tutional Freedom. Equally because these same Parties are aware that there have been instances of unscrupulous fools who have ruined themselves by improvident wagering, that therefore no Englishman shall be privileged to back his fancy! ——————=_ | Was there ever a more preposterous and | uncharitable notion propounded, when | these very same Parties are, for aught I | know, playing the good old game of Bull and Bear in that famous establishment which has just shed a financial lustre on | the question of the Presidential Election in the land of the Ever-soaring Eagle? But if the “Juggins” (or “Mug”) is to be protected from the nefarious designs of base individuals, let the Stewards of the Jockey Club issue yearly licences to the | Knights of the Odds! They would not ob- ject, I feei confident, for the Ring is like a privileged railway-station yard, and the smaller the competition, the better is it for trade. And it wouldn’t be a bad idea to licence the Juggins, too. It is impos- sible to be too Great-grandmotherly nowa- days. The Lord Chief Justice, Sir Henry Hawktns, and Sir Frank Locxwoop could from their mighty and experienced brains draw up such a perfect legal scheme that in days to come anxious parents would send their offspring to a Model Race Course, in preference to allowing them to waste their opportunities by the Isis or the Cam! You will, I know, honoured Sir, forgive this honest outburst. I have not felt so indignant since one night a | month ago, when, at what I imagined was |a respectable Nap Reunion, I found my neighbour, little Ben FermMiNaDas, was in the habit, when my eyes were averted, of paying me my gains out of my own money lying on the table! This discovery put an end to a pleasant gathering. Thus will one black sheep defile an entire flock of immaculate fleeces. But now, Sir, I conclude that you and age are anxiously waiting for the seer to unfold his augury with regard to the Liverpool Autumn Cup. My Pegasus shall put his best foot forward, and give wings to the winner. Let no Parisian run for me, The Count may come again ; A rod in pickle though I see, I view it with disdain. But with a Telescopic eye An Trish pair I sean; While Amphi p’rans may have a try To beat the Market man! So runs the Muse away with warblings of “sound money.” I do not conceal from you, Sir, that on Wednesday the winner of the Great Lancashire Handicap might respond to a Spur. Verb. sap. is the wish of Your respectful satellite, Darsy Jones. P.S.-—I think you know, honoured Sir, that Liverpool is as celebrated as the City of London for its luscious calipash and calipee. I need not mention the hotel, but have issued satisfactory orders in your name. * [We hereby warn all innkeepers at Liverpool not to supply Danny Jongs with any sort of refresh- ment without ready monev. He is not to be trusted “‘ on the nod.”’—Ep.] Tre Greatest Connectinc Link BE- | TWEEN THE METROPOLIS AND THE NoRTH or Irnguanp.—Lord London-Derry.

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PUNCH, UR THE LONDON .CHARIVARI.—Novemser 14, 1896. | —y- Ready, November 23. -_ | A PICTURE GALLERY FOR ONE SHILLING! PEARS’ ANNUAL CHRISTMAS, 1896, CONTAINS TWELVE WHOLE-PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS IN COLOURS, GEO. C. KILBURNE, R.T. EDWARD F. BREWTNALL, R.W.8.

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Illustrative of the subject entitled “FROM CHRISTMAS EVE TO- TWELFTH NIGHT:” Or, “A Real Old-fashioned English Christmas,” | By the Editor, JOSEPH GREGO, PAPAL IE It also contains a story of Yule-Tide by GEORGE R. SIMS, entitled, “Once Upon a Christmas Time.” “ borer =A = z eee With, Nine Illustrations by CHARLES GREEN, R.I., é ee : , and HERBERT RAILTON. “ CHRISTMAS CUME> BU't ONCE A YEAR.” By CHARLES GREEN, RI. Reduced facsimile of one of the Three Plates ; Original size, 344 by 27 inches, Printed in Fourteen Colours, e THREE LARGE |/¥3 PRESENTATION |) i PLATES, IN COLOURS, Printed in the best and most Artistic Style, also accompany the Number.

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3 YACHTINg h'ps LUSITAN, NE, 3,576 tone rep, INDIA ISLanns STINE. uke Bobys bpril Ly. aes E, CONST awry. turning May CA. iaymakers, ers, Straw ses. Oil En- ailway, daduced Fiac-aters tie time, nd on LEFOIL u £23. NovemBer 21, 1896.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 241 ae eee rn se REEtE | LON w =\ \ Wes ADRS THE DRAMA IN THE DAYS OF BLIZABETH. GRAND SpecracutaR ScENE FROM HENRY THE FirrH. RETURN OF THE VicrorRious ARMY FROM AGINCOURT. SHAKSPEARE THEN COULD NOT VERY WELL ‘‘8PELL RUIN.” (Dedicated to the Elizabethan Stage Society.) [The Elizabethan § Society is going to act, as it promised, The Two Gentlemen of Verona in Merchant Taylors’ Hall. The date fixed is Saturday afternoon, November 28. ] FROM THE DIARY OF PATERFAMILIAS. _(‘¢ The Americans have hit upon a new woman's industry—namely, lullaby- — A certain number of pupils training in the vocal schools and colleges are to be hired to visit the nurseries and sing to the children at bed-time, and they have found a general appreciation.”"—St. James’s Gazette.] _ Monday.—Children very troublesome again last night. Georoe (aged one-and-a-half) and Berry (six months) firmly declined to go to sleep, and howled loudly for hours. The nurse seems quite unable to keep them quiet, and treated with much scorn Exiza’s timid suggestion that she should sing them lulla- bies, remarking that she wasn’t going to demean herself in that way, and that, if we wanted singing done, we’d better hire one of those low professional persons to do it. Exiza remarks that perhaps it would be well to do this, as the papers say that the new lullaby-singers have met with “general appreciation.” Tells me to order one on my way home from the city. (Later.) Have interviewed the manager at the College of Music, who promised to send round a high-class performer. Hope we may get a quiet night at last. Tuesduy.—Young lady with a large portfolio of music under her arm arrived at six o’clock last night. Took up her position on the hearthrug in the nursery, and opened fire with “ Sleep, my love, sleep!” followed by “‘ We’re a-noddin’.” Only result was to make both infants yell with terror. Then she began Scnumann’s “Schlummerlied,” but stopped in the middle, ex- plaining that unfortunately she could sing no more, as she was suffering from sore throat. Dismissed her, and then was kept awake nearly all the night by the children, in whom she seemed to have aroused a spirit of emulation. Experiment not success- | ful so far Wednesday.—Called at the College of Music; manager pro- fusely apologetic. Promised to supply another vocalist guaran- teed not to break down. 6 p.m.—Lullaby-singer number two just arrived. When told of our former fe gee re she remarked that with intelli- gent and cultiva children like ours (E1iza much delighted at this) the old-fashioned music was of no use. This case evi- dently needed to be treated with Wacner. She begins to sing Waener forthwith. _ 8 p.a.—The manager has fulfilled his promise in so far as there is clearly no chance of this woman getting tired. She has a voice like a steam-whistle. She has now been singing WaGNEr | | concealed herself in | horror, she caught the so-called vocalist in the act of administer- ing chloroform to our innocent Berry and Grorcr! We de- | cide to dispense for the future with the services of the pro- for two hours; both children are still wide awake, and screaming fiercely. I fly to the club. Midnight.—Return, to find Wacner still being sung, and my wife in hysterics. Servant comes round from next door: “ Mr. Jonzs’s compliments, Sir, and please when the epitheted substan- tive is this noise going to stop?” Expostulate with the singer, and try to drive her away. She refuses to go, saying, that the credit of her profession is at stake, and continues to sing till 3 a.m., when she is at last induced to depart. Thursday.—My firm resolve to have nothing more to do with lullaby-singers is overcome by the manager, who undertakes to send a more skilful vocalist—free of charge—to-night. Re- luctantly acquiesce, and she duly ap) . Marvellous to say, her success is complete ; after about five minutes of her singing, both children fall into a profound sleep. We immediately offer her a month’s engagement. Friday.—Same delightful result; she manages to soothe the children wandashdie. Exiza, however, declares that they | are both looking far from well. Saturday.—Alas! we have been outrageously duped! To- night Exiza, not being quite satisfied with our singer’s manner, nursery while she performed. To her fessional “lullaby-singer.” “ONE MAN MAY STEAL A HORSE r [Mrs. Caste, a wealthy American lady, sentenced last week to three months’ imprisonment for stealing furs, was released after a very short detention. Henrietta Stewart, a poor English governess, was sentenced at the same time, and (in a far less degree) for the same offence, to six months’ imprisonment, and was not released.] Journalist interviews Specialist, I pec your pardon, but could you tell me the meaning of “kleptoman’a” ? It is a modern name for a very ancient complaint. What is it called in plain English ? It used to be known as “ picking and stealing.” Why is that term not now employed ? For fear of wounding the sufferers’ susceptibilities. Does the complaint prevail with various degrees of virulence ? Certainly, it attacks persons very differently. It is chronic in the East End, where many of the ients belong to the de- serving class of housebreakers and pickpockets. In the West End the victims of the epidemic are less common, but in the City they are by no means rare. What are the symptoms of the disease ? An irresistible desire to appropriate other people’s belongings, whether they be watches or dividends. What is the course of treatment for the patients ? It is generally found that a three months’ cure at Wormwood Scrubs works wonders, though persons have been known to re- apse. > the disorder catching ? There is a certain amount of catching about it, but a good many cases never come to light. Was it known to the ancients ? —— Well, Mercury was a bit of a kleptomaniac, while Autolycus and ancient Pistol are good Shakspearian instances. In more recent times the patient was liable to be hanged, especially if his complaint took the form of hallucination with regard to property in sheep. What is your theory with respect to the disease? I think it is probably due to a bacillus, of a description acute enough to notice the leniency with which its host is treated ‘Give it the slightest encouragement, and it waxes fruitful and multiplies to an alarming extent. Is there any check to its depredations ? They say that every bacillus has its phagocyte, and I believe that the resources of science are equal to cultivating the latter with sufficient effect. Meanwhile, we must be content with the drastic remedies at present in vogue, by which the rich may profit as well as the poor. RE-NATURALISATION. Dvrine last month fifty Certificates of Naturalisation were nted to “aliens” by the Home Secretary. Could not a few > anv for distribution amongst the “Little Englanders” of to-day ? VOL. CXI. NE ma

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[Novemper 21, 1896. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. rin oddddt.—§ tee LTT Titi] | i} ' \ SUK ] Chartered Company.’ created by the ‘ MonEY” THE FAULT OF THE DuTCcH KRUGER’S LITTLE BILL. Is GIVING TOO LITTLE AND ASKING TOO MUCH, IN MATTERS OF ‘‘ [It was recently reported that President Kri'cer intends demanding a million as compensation for disturbance

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| Though going to sleep seems a difficult November 21, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 243 IN THE “FRAM”#OR,(NANSEN IN THE NORTH. By a WovuLp-Be Hero. Arr—"‘ In the Strand ; or, I wish I were with Nancy.” Ox, these are the days for a Big, Big Boom, And Nansen got it amidst Northern In the Fram. He has bossed that Boom at one daring jump, And it doesn’t seem likely to be followed do, I do, In the North Sea frore, On the Arctic shore, To live—and boom—with Nansen ! So the Fram weighed anchor in June, ninety-three, And they soon were ploughing the dread Kara Sea In the Fram. They were baulked 4 ice-floes, they were baffled by fogs, And they found cold welcome, and they lost their dogs, In the Fram. Those brave boys bound with NansEn! Oho! oho! Each hero swore On sea or shore, To live or die with Nansen ! But they “ ~ fail, and they did not un In a slee ing-bag, in a frozen bunk, nthe Fram. matter For an hour-and-a-half with your teeth a-chatter, In the Fram. ’Twas a chilly time with NansEen, &c. No danger, however, did they turn their backs on, But weren’t they glad when they met brave JACKSON ? Oh, the Fram! For then they were getting in rather a poor way. But now—what a time for Nansen and for Norway, And the Fram! Oh! ’tis fine to be a Nansen! Hurroo! hurroo! From the Arctic shore To return once more And beam and boom like NaNsEN ! Some heroes are taciturn, and some aconical ; But—read Nansen’s story in the Daily Chronicle, , Of the Fram. ‘Tis a Brobdingnagian Boom, though he didn’t reach his goal. What would it have been had he really found the Pole, ; In the Fram? I wish I’d been with Nansen, Just so! just so! To go the hero’s rounds, And—sack Thirty Thousand Pounds, Like the smart Norwegian Nansen | Rer.ection By aN Oxrorp Grapvuate.— Sportsman (to Snobson, who hasn't brought down a single bird all day). ‘‘Do you KNow Lorp Peckuam ?” Snobson. ‘OH DEAR, YES; I'VE OFTEN SHOT AT HIS House.” Sportsman. ‘‘ Ever wir ir?” Great Chance for the Collector. procure a copy, and consider his money uncommonly well laid out. As a contri- Or all the pictures in various periodicals | pytion to history it is well worth but commemorative of the McKinley triumph, | we y ill not anticipate, not one represents the interior or domes- | = tic view of that event so well or s0| fercibly as does the frontispiece of our Arctic Polo. excellent friend The Penny LIllustrated| (Mr. Lanovcnenrn asserts that, in view of the Paper. “Here we see,” as the Showman | ™oney acquired by Dr. NANSEN for the descriptions says, “Mr. MoKinuxy a-receivin’ of the of his journey towards the North Pole, he has “‘ quite telegram tellin’ ’im as ’ee’s helected by a altered his mee } ay vast majority. An’’is wife rushes in at the Our “Labby” is a perfect bear very moment an’ implores ’im not to be- In Russian inclination, lieve only arf ’ee ’ears, an’ nothin’ as ’ee | But now he boldly doth declare sees, ‘cos it ain’t true. Wich annoys His Polish destination. Mister McKInuey, an’ he severely frowns, Whether he go or whether not, an’ sez, sezee, ‘ Wot, this ’ere ain’t true ? He’s sure to make earth’s axis hot. ’Oo ar’ you a-gettin’ at? An’ look ’ere, | Ft oN young ’ooman, anyway, true or not, I’m| Tae Cominc Corossus or Roaps.—The President o’ the U-nited States, I am!’| autocar. Let’s hope it will not be al- An’ so ’ee were.” But the full force of |lowed, like the cad-ridden cycle, to this can only be given by the picture itself, |“ scorch,” and so become the “ Autocrat Little goes of whiskey make double thirsts in time. of which the intelligent, reader will at once of all the Rushers”! ’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 21, 1896. yg y Wf) DOMESTIC ECONOMY. ‘* WasTeruL, Mum? Cook wor! Wuy, EVERYTHINK IN COMES DOWN FROM MYSELF, Mum!’ WELL, Mum, THAT's ONE THING I'm THE EATIN’ AN’ DRINKIN’ WAY THAT HUPSTAIRS, I MAKE A POINT OF FINISHIN’ UP HAPPY HARROGATE, EXTRACTS FROM THE TRAVEL Diary oF Tosy, M.P. _ Harrogate, Monday.—Just before prorogation the Member for Sark and I arranged to go to Homburg. After infinitely stretched courses of long speeches, diversified by a few all-night sittings, must go somewhere to recruit. On _ reflection, askad each other Why Homburg? Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? If we must needs have most necessaries of life “made in Ger- many,” at least let us avoid the practice of getting ourselves re-made there “His knowledge of “Consult Roostem Pacna,” said Sark. watering-places, home and foreign, is extensive and peculiar.” Dropped in on Roostem at his Pachalik, off Berkeley Square. Stated our case. The great Pacha unfolded his twined legs; re-folded them ; hitched them a little on one side; sucked medi- tatively at his hubble-bubble, and said, “Try Harrogate. Water the same as Homburg, only more so. In addition to a well containing much the same properties as Elizabethan Brunnen there is one that equals Kissingen. Moreover, Harrogate has much the same bracing air that distinguishes Homburg beyond most continental watering-places.” That ’s how we came to Harrogate. Find the Pacha, as usual, spoke the words of truth and soberness. Quite apart from remedial effects of baths and waters, Harrogate is charming place of residence. Sark, who, like Ulysses and Gzorez Curzon, has travelled much, protests it is one of the pleasantest places he knows. The town is built on a tableland nearly five hun- dred feet above the sea level. It stands almost midway be- tween the German Ocean and the Irish Sea. This morning the wind blowing from the East. Sark said he was sure he could scent the German Ocean. As we happened at the moment to be passing a sausage shop this may have been a fancy born of asso- | ciation of ideas. Beyond salubrious height of situation, much is owing to happy accident of the Stray. This is a patch of | rass-grown common plucked out of the heart of the ancient orest of Knaresborough, and secured for ever to the people | of Harrogate. No builder, speculative or otherwise, may dese- crate it with touch of pick or spade. Harrogate is built round it, secure in possession of this mighty lung. Another accident that confirms to Harrogate the title of Happy is the contiguity of fine, clean, and presumably cheap building-stone. Consequently bricks, which are bearable, stucco which is unendurable, are rarely seen. Overlooking the Stray are here and there to be found peaked and gabled houses that give the place a restful, old-world look. The modern builder, inspired by these, has added broad streets of shapely, comfort- able houses. To the casual passer-by they subtly convey impression of being more than houses. They are also homes. Churches, congregational and episcopalian, abound, without exception of admirable construction. As for hotels, their name is anything you like, from The Prospect to The Prince of Wales, from The Crown to The Marquis of Granby. Sam WetLier’s father, if he were still with us, and chanced to drive round the Stray till he passed The Marquis of Granby, | would not recognise in it any kinship with an old familiar friend. | The little hostelry at Dorking, kept by Mrs. Susan Crakke, displaying as signpost the head of the Markis O’Granby, could comfortably be stowed away in the barn behind the hotel, which |at the beginning of the century served Harrogate for a play- | house. Just ninety years ago Lord Byron stopped at the Crown, and wrote there his poem, “To a Beautiful Quaker.” There still lingers tradition of the terrible fights which took place between his two dogs, Nelson and Bo’sun. Quite a common thing, the oldest inhabitant of Harrogate tells Sark, to see the poet, broomstick in hand, endeavouring to part the com- batants. In the end peace was brought about by the tragic withdrawal from the scene of Nelson. Tiring of the monotony of munching Bos’wn, Nelson got into the stable, and leaping at the throat of a horse, hung on till a pistol shot through the brain loosened his hold. “Harrogate stingo,” Sark, for shortness, calls the “Old Sulphur” water upon whose ever-bubbling stream Harrogate prosperously floats. Regarded as a table water it is not ex- actly attractive. It has the faint savour of a beaten-up egg, the egg having been selected chiefly on account of age. The Kissingen water, aérated or still, is almost palatable. “Both are in their way excellent, as the yearly accumulating table of those profit- ing by them testify. “The Yorkshire Spaw,” as the place is called in ancient litera- ture, enjoyed wide fame as far back as CroMweELi’s time. Within the last ten years it has experienced a new and more vigorous lease of life. The local authorities have begun to wake up to the wide possibilities that lie at their hands. They’ve got the wells, they’ve got the baths, they want the Kursaal too. There is no reason, beyond lack of well-directed enterprise, why Harrogate should not be as popular as Hom- burg. But the local authorities must do as the shrewd burghers of Homburg have done, and to the attractions of nature add the luxuries and conveniences of Art. Happily there is a spur on their intent in the presence on the spot of a clear-sighted, long-headed doctor, who has made a study of continental watering-places, and perceives how they might be adapted to the needs and opportunities of the York- shire Spa. In his mind’s eye he beholds Harrogate endcwed with a pump-room common to the service of all the mineral waters; covered promenades where patients may foregather between their cups; a concert-hall; a news-room, even an Art gallery. Above all, a band that need not shrink from com- parison with that which discourses sweet music at Homburg. Towards the realisation of this dream there is already con- | tributed a handsome block of new baths, worthy of the archi- | tectural perfectness of the town, enriched with all the latest luxuries. This is to be opened in time for next year’s season, | when, peradventure, Sark and I will come again. With the Queen’s Leading Sportsman. Hold ha—rd! Here’s some more of that confounded barbed wire! Dashed if I don’t think this country is mainly inhabited by retired fishing-tackle makers! : | [Makes for nearest gate, followed by sympathetic field.

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| a? Sag, “ow &, at TV — ww ws he. | looks, or intellect or amiability, or of all three NovemBer 21, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 245 ROUNDABOUT READINGS. (Being some Letters from Mr. Roundabout to his Nephew at Cambridge, and to Others.) No, I1.—Or Sprettinc—Or Morners—Or ScHooLpoys AND THEIR FarHers—Or FRIENDSHIP AND THE MAKING OF FRIENDS. My pear Jack,—It was very pleasant to get your letter, and I am obliged to you for writing to me so fully. I may note, by the way, that the accepted spelling of the word “obliged” is as I have set it down. “ Oblidged,” which you seem to prefer, is a pleasing variant, but there is no good authority for it. I saw your mother three days ago. She was in London on what she called a professional visit, that is, she was taking the reluctant Atice to be inspected by the dentist. ALice appears | to have behaved with the Spartan courage that might natural] be expected in one of her sex and name, and to have offered, voluntarily, to go again next day at the same price, namely half-a-crown in cash, and an afternoon at “ England’s Home of Mystery,” but the perfection of her teeth and her mother’s arrangements both precluded such an arrangement. Your mother of course, was full of you, and though I had written to her an described your start in a University career, I had to go through the whole story again—which I did, not unwillingly. I ho you’ll write often to your mother, my dear boy. She thinks you the most beautiful, the cleverest, the strongest, and the most engaging of created beings. She’s wrong, of course— even you will admit that—but the least you can do for her to repay her for this amiable delusion, and for all she has done and suffered for you, is to love her with all your heart, and to write to her now and then so that she may feel she has some share in your new life. Imagine the pleasure that it gives her when, for instance, the vicar calls and asks what news she has of Jack, and how he likes Cambridge, and what lectures he is attending, and if he has taken to boating—imagine, I say, her pleasure at being able to say that she has had more than one letter from you, that you have taken to the river, but you seem to think it unlikely that you will get a seat in the Cambridge Eight next term, there being so many of last year’s crew left, and that you are attending lectures regularly with a view to honours as a classical wrangler, though, for her part, she ho you will not overdo your reading, as young men are so thought- less about their health, and she knows of one poor boy who broke down and became a hopeless idiot owing to overwork. The vicar will smile—vicars have been to Cambridge or Oxford themselves, and know a thing or two—but there will be nothing bitter in the smile, for he will probably remember the eager enthusiasin and devotion of his own mother in days long past, her innocent exaggeration of his merits and her blindness to his faults. There are at this moment in existence some five hundred mothers of Cambridge freshmen (not to speak of about the same number of Oxford mothers), each one of whom firmly believes that she has sent to the University a paragon of good in combination. When your mother pays you her promised visit at Cambridge, you will be proud of her and make much of her, and show her all the sights. It will be a great day for her—and for you. At school, thi were different, I think. Certainly there was pleasure in the Pp of parents’ visits, but there was also a sense of anxiety. Would their appearance, we asked our- selves, be creditable to us, or would they put us to shame by wearing something or saying something or behaving in a way that the public feeling of our fellow-schoolboys might disap- prove ? ys, English boys at least, are the merest slaves of the narrowest conventions with regard to fashion, and resent bitterly any transgression of their little code. Your grand- father, as you may remember, had a very large head, and the natural size of his hats was exaggerated by their straight, broad brims. When at an early stage of my school career the old gentleman came to see me, I hoped against hope that Durr secundus might not see him, for I knew that Durr secundus would disapprove of that hat, and would express his disappro- val in his usual caustic way. Fate, however, willed it other- wise. My father came, and Durr saw him full in the cricket- field, where no merciful shadows disguised a single inch of the height and circumference of that fatal hat. “ What was that | your governor was wearing?” said this hateful boy to me after | the old man was gone. . “A coat,” I replied, with a feeble effort to avert the in- evitable. — “TI don’t mean that, fat-face. What had he got on his head?” | “ Oh—a—well, a hat, I suppose.” : “Just listen to him,” said the little fiend; “he calls it a hat. | By, a) ae. ' Yh Mbp, THOUGHT TRANSFERENCE. Hostess, ‘‘Goop NIGHT, GENERAL! SO KIND OF ME TO HAVE ASKED YOU.” Guest, ‘‘Novt AT ALL, SO KIND OF ME TO HAVE ComE!” [ call it a jolly big portmanteau.” The insult was a gross one, and I felt it, but Durr secundus being an older and rather a bigger boy I bided my time and swallowed the affront. Two terms later, however, a collision at football convinced me that I could cope with him. On the following morning I chose my opportunity, approached him from behind and smashed his hat over his eyes. “Cail that a hat,” I said, “I call it——”’ I never finished the retaliatory sentence, for he turned like » ning and banged me in the mouth. We fought in the old hat- lobby. Buiosss was my second, Cuoiior held an imaginary bottle for Durr. The contest was short but decisive, At the start Durr pinned me up against the hat-pegs, and thus did a double execution upon my body from in front and from behind. The position was unendurable; by a great effort I freed myself from it, and, closing with the prematurely exultant Durr, drove my right fist full on his yielding nose, and then bore him crashing to the ground, olen he lay, a gory spectacle. | asked him if he wanted any more; he said he didn’t, I told him there was plenty more where t came from if I got any more of his cheek, and so departed triumphantly with the trium- phant Bropss. I saw Durr only last week. He is bald, he wears spectacles; he is a busy city merchant. We hobnobbed together, and parted good friends. His eldest boy, he told me, is to go to Cambridge next October. You must call on him and be kind to him, if you can. By that time you will be in a position to show some kindness in your little world, though you may think, too, that your circle of friends will be complete, and that you will not require any more. If you do think that you will make a mistake. But I must break off here, and resume the consideration of this important matter in another letter. Your affectionate uncle, Rosert Rounpasovur. ————— and S.C. Railway, Ds Curious ract.—Those who make ducks and drakes of their | property are always geese and ganders. | | a en + ol pint EEE 4 oH ER ANCE, rR RRRRE Ymee 6 eae et a een namangy me ya:

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 21, 1896. Mp a ~ THE SUBSTITUTE. I SHOULD REALLY TRY TO BREAK YOUR The Rector’s Wife. ‘Ou, Mrs. Noeotns, AWFUL WAY ! The Widow N mgquns. ** WELL, "M, I FINDS IT SUCH A COMFORT PARROT OF HIS HABIT OF SWEARING IN THAT TO "EAR "IM. MAKES IT SEEM MORE LIKE AS IF THERE WAS A MAN ABOUT THE ‘OUSE AGAIN.” THE MUCCLETON MOTOR-CAR ; OR, THE WELLERS ON WHEELS. A Pickwickian Fragment Up-to-date, As light as fairies, if not altogether as brisk as bees, did the four Pickwickian shades assemble on a winter morning in the year of grace, 1896. Christmas was nigh at hand, in all its fin-de-sitcle inwardness; it was the season of pictorial too-pre- viousness and artistic anticipation, of plethoric periodicals, all shocker-sensationalism nnieiden with startling advertise- ments; of cynical new-humour and flamboyantly sentimental chromo-lithography. But we are so taken up by the genial delights of the New Christmas that we are keeping Mr. Pickwick and his phantom friends waiting in the cold on the chilly outside of the Muggle- ton Motor-car, which they had just mounted, well wrapped up in antiquated great coats, shawls, and comforters. Mr. Wetuer, Senior, had, all unconsciously, brought his well- loved whip with him, and was greatly embarrassed thereby. “ Votever shall I do vith it, Sammy?” he whispered hoarsely. “Purtend it’s a new, patent, jointless fishing-rod, guv’nor,” rejoined Sam, in a Stygian aside. “Nobody ’ere’ll ‘ave the slightest notion vot it really is.” “When are they—eh—going to—ahem—put the horses to?” murmured Mr. Pickwick, emerging from his coat collar, and looking about him with great perplexity. “'Osses?” cried the coachman, turning round upon Mr. Picx- wick, wita sharp suspicion in his eye. ‘‘’Osses? d’ye say. Oh, who are you a-gettin’ at?” Mr. Pickwick withdrew promptly into his coat-collar. The irrepressible Sam came immediately to the aid of bis be- loved master, whom he would never see snubbed if he knew it. marked Mr. We.ier, Junior, with the air of a Solomon in smalls. “ But vot sort of a vheel do you call that thing in front of you, and vot’s its pertikler objeck? a-top of a coach in- stead o’ under it?” “This yer wheel means Revolution,” said the driver. “Tt do, Samrvet, it do,” interjected his father, dolorously. “And in my opinion it’s a worse Revolution than that there French one itself. A coach vithout ’osses, vheels instead of vheelers, and a driver vithout a vhip! Oh Sammy, Sammy, to think it should come to this!!!” | The driver—if it be not desecration to a noble old name so to designate him—gave a turn to his wheel and the autocar started. Mr. Winkie, who sat at the extreme edge, waggled | his shadowy legs forlornly in the air; Mr. Snoperass, who sat |next to him, snorted lugubriously, Mr. Tupman turned paler |than even a Stygian shade has a right to do. Mr. Proxwick took off his glasses and wiped them furtively. . | “Sam,” he whispered hysterically in the ear of his faithful servitor, “Sam, this is dreadful! A—ahem!—vehicle with no visible means of propulsion pounding along like—eh—Saint | Denis without his head, is more uncanny than Charon’s boat.” “Let’s get down, Sammy, let’s get down at once,” groaned Mr. Wetzzr the elder. “I can’t stand it, Samrvet, I really can’t. Think o’ the poor ’osses, Sammy, think o’ the poor ’osses as ain’t there, and vot they must feel to find theirselves sooper- seeded by a hugly vheel and a pennorth o’ peteroleum, &c.!” “Hold on, old Nobs!” cried the son, with frank filial sym- | pathy. “Think of the guv’nor, father, and vait for the first | stoppage. Never again vith the Muggleton Motor! Vhy, it vorse than a hortomatic vheelbarrow, ain’t it, Mr. Proxwick?” | “Ah, Sammy,” assented Mr. Wetter, Senior, hugging his “Vorse even than vidders, Sammy, the “There ’s vheels vithin vheels, as the bicyclist said vhen he | whip, affectionately. ’ 3 vos pitched head foremost into the vatchmaker’s vinder,” re- | red-nosed shepherd, or the Mulberry One hisself!

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—_ = Varcane 9¢

DEEP-GOING DEFIED. Tue Parent PNeumatic Mup-SKIMMERS,

SLIGHTLY HORSEY. (A Chat concerning Steedless Carriages. ) Wuen I recognised that the establishment of locomotors (says one of our representatives) had become an accomplished fact, I considered it advisable to interview an omnibus horse of my acquaintance to learn his views on the subject. I found the object of my search quietly munching his supper in a stable. He received me with more apathy than enthusiasm. “T suppose, Mr. Grocer,” I began, “that you do not object to the use of these new carriages on principle ? ” “Well,” he replied, after a slight pause, which enabled him to consume a mouthful of corn, “I don’t suppose I do. Of course, if we get more rest we shall not complain.” “But how about the shareholders ? ” “I have nothing to do with them. My duty is to make so many journeys a day, for which services I receive food and lodging.” “ But if you were driven off the road, will not that proceeding cost you some annoyance ? ” _ “Why, yes,” returned Mr. Gercer, with a horse laugh; “ it is certainly not pleasant to be disturbed without compensation. But if we are not wanted in London we shall find plenty of occupation at Margate and other watering-places. I do not believe that the new method will interfere to any serious extent with the bathing-machines.” “Quite so; but then you have mentioned a trade which is confined to the summer months. What will you do in the winter ? ” “T have considered that question carefully, and, taking into account the love of Englishmen for horsemanship, believe that there will always be room for us in the circus.” “ But does not the arena require special training ? ” “To some extent,” was the cautious response; “but I am sufficiently conceited to believe that, with a very little practice, I could conquer my natural repugnance to wine to force myself to take a glass of sherry with the clown.” “Then, on the whole, you are not despondent of your future ?” “No, I am not, for even if the bathing-machine and the

amphitheatre fail us, we can enlist in the Army, and even (should the Navy be further augmented) in the Horse Marines.” “T see. And now what are your personal views on the motor- cars? Do you like them?” Mr. Gece became rather restive, and when he spoke again it was to express a decided negative. “Pardon me for my curiosity,” I said, as I was about to take my leave, “ but should you meet one of the new carriages in the streets what would you do?” “Tf I were near a church I should attempt to enter it,” was the immediate answer. “‘ And were the doors of the church closed, what would be your next move ?” “Under such circumstances I should undoubtedly do my best to climb the steeple.”

A REAL BAGMAN., (Pleasant for M. F. H., who is belated and quartered pro tem. in the Commercial Room of the ‘‘ Green Gooseberry,” Shoddyford. ) Little Smiffkins (a Knight of the Road). locins and me always ’ad a liking for ’unting, and one fine day last December, in ’Ertfordshire, not far from St. Halbans, has we was tootling halong the ’ighway, when ’oo should sneak through the ’edge by the roadside but bold Rainard, has pumped hout has a Heast- End reservore. I ’ops horf then and there, and ’its ’im hover the ‘ead with a sample-box, thereby laying ’im has dead has Haustralian mutton. ’Iao1ns ’e cries “’alves,” so I houts with my knife and cuts hoff ’is tail. T'hat ’"Ioo1ns ’ad, but the car- case is stuffed in my ’all at ’ome, and we calls hit the Manx Fox! [Roars of laughter, during which disgusted M. F. H. beats an un dignified retreat, mentally wishing for once that he could run a ‘* bagman.””

A MATTER FOR THE HOME SECRETARY, Tue Earl of Dersy has lately opened a “ Gamble Institute” at St. Helen’s, Lancashire. As this is the chief centre of the glass trade, the object of the Institute is transparent.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 21, 1896. | | Kitchen.) Cc. (A Scene in the L. C. COOKING THE ACCOUNTS. g *-WITH A GRAIN oF SALT:

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| 1896. Kitchen. ) (A Scene in the L. C. C. COOKING THE ACCOUNTS. —_—_—_—— Novemser 21, 1896.] THE SOOTHSAYER’S VADE MECUM. Question. Are ‘ophetic almanacks popular with the public? ‘Answer. So it would appear from their prevalence. . Q. And has not this success been secured by the veracity of the predictions. A. That is the contention of their pro- prietors. : i ae Q. What is the chief aim of a publishing soothsayer ? A. T> narrow a prophecy as much as possible, while extending its limits to the utmost. Q. Explain your meaning by an ex- ample. A. Say that you narrow your prophecy to the bare statement that in “ January a Royal House will be afflicted,” you can de- clare it applicable to the death of the mighty sovereign of a great power, or a ninth-rate princelet unearthed from an ob- scure page in the Almanach de Gotha. Q. And would not a Royal House be afflicted by anything less than a death of one of its members ? A. Certainly, the loss of a favourite cat or cherished walking-stick would be equally applicable. Q. Supposing that you foretell that a State will Gee a valued public servant, how will the prophecy be satisfied ? A. By the death of almost anyone. A great statesman who had made history in Europe for half a century or a lamplighter to a South American Republic who had been appointed a fortnight since to his office would each do equally well. . How would you discover that “a terrible calamity gravely injurious to the human race” had come off ? A. By noticing that some such occur- rence as the earthquake of Lisbon, or an accident to an excursion train in Canada, attended by the decease of a baby in arms, had taken place. Q. Then you believe that, whatever might happen, you would so hedge round your predictions that you would be ulti- mately able to surmount your difficulties ? A. Certainly; for a soothsayer who knows his business will always leave him- self a loophole for escape, and prove for the thousandth time that prophecy rightly handled naturally and appropriately leads to profit. “ The Ban of the Gubbe (Btackwoop) is probably a first essay in novel writing. If so, Mr. Cepric Waxpo is to be congratu- lated upon having made a distinct mark. There are those who say, in their haste, that all the stories have been written, all the plots appropriated. Mr: Waxpo tri- umphantly demonstrates the unsoundness of this assertion. He has invented for his hero a father-in-law round whom broods a dark mystery. That is not uncommon in fiction. Where Mr. Waxpo -scores is in the peculiar nature of the secret which Mr. Janson ineffectually attempts to hide. He is web-footed. My Baronite is not dealing disloyally with the author in prematurely disclosing this secret. On the threshold of the story Mr. Janson puts his foot in it—or rather a pair of feet. The potential son-in-law, though perturbed, was not to be denied. He married the daughter, and they all lived happy afterwards. Why the father-in- law should have had not only web-feet but "pede Ml) /| BIA Life 0/4) | (ha “af MY L4g hg }//f) UR pe 4 , 4 gf i) ry J PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 251 ey Sexton (to a Divine, who was spending his holidays in the country, and who, on the sudden ill. ness of the Village Parson, volunteered to take the duties), ‘A WORSE PREACHER WOULD HAVE DONE FOR Us, SIR, BUT WE COULDN'T GET OWE!” “hands like fins,” is the secret of the book, and the reader must delve for it him- self. Mr. Later, hitting folly as it flies on wheels, has given us a sparkling Christmas Number of The Penny Illustrated London News, which he who runs a “ bike” may read and enjoy. The Shakspearian quota- tions adapted to biking incidents are happy, and happily illustrated. Snax- SPEARE was “not for an age” but for “ cy- cles” evidently. But what connection there is between the subject of the last picture—a boatman bidding farewell to a young woman, his wife (presumably) and child, or to somebody else’s wife and child —and bicycling, except that “there is a ‘B’ in both,” it is difficult to see. THe Baron. Or courszs.—Mr. Wetupon, Head Mas- ter of Harrow, objects to the Sublime Porte. Naturally a Well-don goes in for cold water. At the Dairy Show. Wnuo readeth what these sickening pam- phlets say, Must have a stomach strong and palate plucky. They seem to prove our modern Milky Way, Like country !anes on a wet winter day, Is very watery and monstrous mucky. Consternation in Printing House Square. Mr. Walter. Help! Salts! Anything ! Mr. Buckle (rushing to help). Why, what ’s the matter? Mr. Walter (faintly). Lanovcnerr has talked of the Times as a “ penny daily”! [Vide “ Truth,” November 12. SHAKSPEARE ADAPTED. Tart in a Castle’s “ kleptomania ” Which in a Cottage is rank larceny. : { : : pray mee 02 EGRESS ANA RTE aSREY pe oo INIT

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| cover the Golden City of Manoa, but I'll | rer and his comrades would never have | ventured the risk entailed by these paltry 95 2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DARBY JONES IN THE MIDLANDS AND | NORTH. Honovrep Sir,—The signs of the de- cadence of flat racing, not flat catching, for the winter ureet the astute punter (I do not refer, however, to the conductor of a flat-bottomed boat) on every side. The trainers now talk like so many Charons of the possibility of getting some of their sorriest crocks “over the sticks.” Well, indeed, is this called the “ illegitimate sea- son,” for who would father such a miserable meeting (I refer to the stakes, not the fiel(ls) as that just perpetrated in cold blood at Birmingham? Prizes of £72, £38, £46, £45, and £33 were the noble recompenses oftered for the most part by the promoters of the gathering! I agree with that Emi- nent Peer of the Realm, Ex-viceroy, Coal- owner, and Chairman of the London School Board, the Marquis of Lonponperry, that | if racing is to be maintained as the leading sport of Englishmen (under this designa- | tion I inelude Scots, Irish, Welsh, Manx- men, and Channel Islanders), handsome re- wards should be offered for competition, not miserable purses with which a leading pickpocket would be disappointed after an efternoon’s ramble down Regent Street On the last day at Birmingham forty-six enadrupeds contended for a gross sum of £283, or rather over eight golden sove- reigns apiece! And to carry off such Brebdingnagian Stakes railway fares, jockevs, entries and keep had to be sup- plied hv the adventurous owners! Withal the fields were large. I have read, Sir, of the exnloits of LElizabethen mariners heeded by Sir Waiter Rareien of tobacco and potato fame, who went forth to dis- wager my bull’s-hide Gladstone bag to an American-leather grip-sack that Sir Wat- gatherings on terra firma. Bromford Bridge is not. I allow, the centre of the civilised world, as, indeed the quagmire by which it is approached duly testifies, but when B. B. is taken bv the ignorant Southerner to mean Bic Bir- mingham, even a few samples of electro- nlate would strengthen the value of the hcnorariums. But I suppose that one of these days we shall come to the Golden Age of the Anti-Gambling League—no stakes no betting, and free and open courses, all dene for the love of the sport. Then such capitalists as the Duke of Westminster, the Duke of Portianp. Sir Jonn BiuNpDELI gan-grinder. In any case, her deserted | nest has produced and is producing many broods well-plumed livers up-to-date, who do not hesitate to plunge fearlessly into the Stream of Life. When a Liver- pudlian—shudder not, honoured Sir, the epithet is theirs, not mine—resolves on do- ing a thing, he does it well, inspired, no doubt, to obtain as much enjoyment as riches can command by the ever-horrible sight of the slimy and distressing Mersey, wn estuary which yields not to the mouth of the Garonne in the bitter melancholy of its surroundings. The unhappy voyagers from the land of the Stars and Stripes, who first see Liverpool, must indeed ima- gine that they have come to a country from which the Pilgrim Fathers did well to fly. But, as a town, Liverpool, like an oyster with an unprepossessing shell, conceals nost succulent relief. At the Adelphi Hotel you may, as I suggested last week make merry with the Turtle that sings to vou in the rhythm of “clear” or “ thick.” At the theatres you are entranced by the London-like appearance of the stage ; at the music halls you can delight the eye and ear while solacing the gullet with its necessary quantum of refreshment. And on classic Aintree you have a race-course second to none within the humble ken of your obe- lient servant. It has had many patrons, but none more consistent than the Lord of Knowsizy, the present Earl of Dersy (would that I could add, “and Jongs”), a sportsman, who had so great a love for a horse that he himself became a mayor For four days in the most distressful menth of the year the Liverpudlians (again forgive the expression) kept, as they used to say at the Gaiety Theatre, when it was a theatre, “the ball a-rolling.” 1 Marre, the Earl of Crews, the Earl of Rosesery, and Mr. Barney Barnato, will | be imploring the Torn Mayor to start a Mansion House Fund for the henefit of Indigent Jockeys ruined by the prevalence of Motor-cars. But still, Sir, there are, as even the des- titute Pelican or the much-abused Scape- goat will allow, Oases in the Wilderness I trust that I am correct in my Latin grammar. Among these Sanctuaries of Sport let me reckon Liverpool. The Liver is, I believe, a fabulous bird ranking with the Phanix, the Roc, and the Whistle- Wostle. He exists no longer, having, so the legend runs, been totally destroyed by long- continued fusillades of blue pill. the memory of this weird fowl is honoured. She must, I imagine, have been the fore- mother of the coy and diffident Oof-bird of modern times, so eagerly pursued by every- one, from the gentle Chancellor of the Exchequer down to the exasperating or- But still | would like to be rolling that ball now, for | did not Sardis, in the great Lancashire Handicap, richly compensate me for pre- vious disappointments? Shall I tell you why—in the strictest confidence ? Because before going to the course a Lovely Lady told me that Mr. Vyner’s colt was sure to words of poesy foretold “The Count may come again,” and I also held out warning with regard to the “Irish pair,” referring, of course, to St. Jarlath and his queerly- named compatriot. I vehemently warned off every one from touching such an in- flated animal as Birchrod, though she fin- ished first favourite with my colleague “Mr. Hotspur,” and the public in general. I do not conceal from you that I fully ex- pected Stowmarket to recoup Mr. B. Bar- nato for the expense to which he has been put with regard to Oom Pavw’s lions, but [ cannot rebuke Fortune on this occasion, my motto always being that of a Parlia- mentary carpet-bagger, “Win and a place.” [Darnsy Jonrs seems to be, as usual when he has succeeded in what he calls “ capturing the cake,” enjoying himself. We cannot and will not be bail for him at Liverpool or elsewhere. Who is the “ Lovely Lady ” ?—Ev.] SPORTIVE SONGS. A Gunner waiting for early wild-fowl rests on a Bathing-machine in a well-remembered spot [ nest beside the moonlit sea, Its plash the only sound! The sands long maindecks seem to be That have no bulwarks round ; The coastguard’s signal on the hill Stands black against the sky, The air is very raw and chill ; I think of you, and why? Last August, in this very cove, Your presence graced the scene ; Here in these waves to swim you strove, And this was your machine! { know the number twenty-three. Hence in the water blue You leapt, a mermaid fair and free— I never looked at you! But now I seem to hear you trip Upon this tar-stained board, And fancy I can see you dip While “ bobbing” with the cord. Your red-gold locks in oilskin cap, Your garb of crimson hue— [ always was a modest chap, And never looked at you! ‘Tis like a dream! For then I thought You swam with grace and ease, Just like the bathing wench, who taught Her skill for well-earned fees. But now I know you always put Your plump white arms in view, But on the shingle kept a foot. I never looked at you! Like Aphrodité shaking pearls You rose from out the main, And coyly hid some errant curls, And then you “ bobbed” again! Then with a laugh and sinuous leap You bade the waves adieu. I dream, and yet I’m not asleep— I never looked at you! In toilette trim with floating locks, | win, inasmuch as she had lunched on sar- dines @ la Soyer and champagne. There was a tip! I chalked it up, and conse- quently returned to mine hostelry possess- ing a pouch replete with those documents which the Grand Old Lady of Threadneedle Street has never been known to dishonour | within the recollection of Your satisfied serf, Darsy Jones. P.S. —I trust that you, honoured Sir, and my clients in general did not fail to profit by the victory of M. Lenaupy’s titled representative in the Liverpool Cup. If you remember, my prophecy in the burning No cap their wealth restrained, You joined me by those sullen rocks And welcome haven gained. You prattled of the joys of Love, The Beautiful, the True, And from your side I could not move— For then I looked at you! ’Twas just three months ago and yet Your troth was like this sand On which is written large “ Forget! Mistake me not for land!” Now do I not—the t is done, Though day must follow night— A whirr o’erhead! Here! quick! my gun The ducks are on the flight! [Novemser 21, 1896. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemper 21, 1896. iQ * en. | a Mage > Bee = 4 ; we oe > Serr ¥ > ha TE FET rr, a WON’T WASH CLOTHES. MONKEY BRAND SOAP. WON’T WASH CLOTHES. FOR CLEANING, SCOURING, AND SCRUBBING FLOORS AND KITCHEN TABLES, FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR-RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, MANTELS, &c. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c. = Pria w Lt) Samii of © i Hollow Parish *, 0g ee einen te the Procknad of Whe nase, in the Oity of Lonten, and publiok Ty ts the. dh Ploct burseu in the Parish cf Ot Bride City of Lenten noereeent tte

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h Wl be published on November 30th, P hi t sa he Second Edition, limited Pune with a variety of Illustrations, in- re S oric ee wep nee ot ; : ully humorous Drawings from Almanack cluding the last Picture drawn for Pee ¢ PuNcH, éy E. T. REED, is PUNCH Jy GEORGE DU MAURIER. odeb dette | Poise tan, Gi il — <4... +. ‘ <_ \

wa -™ +. a Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, SATURDAY. not even when accc mpanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. PUBLISHED EVERY MS., Printed Matter, whether eo“ if

TNE ouentameees a Pure TST ATY a PUN C YO! Yu PETE MT TSS. etetoecan. TESTO,» | PRICE THREE PENCE. ipl , re iG ox U , \ “al Ve weit vane Millay » <i jy) Af i ay Ai Est if ‘ iW Cie) CV anh —— uilinan™ | gee “ y) PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, “4M Asay] LONDON. CHOCOLAT MENIER “i.

6a” NOTICE.— Rejected Commun ications or Contributions

rere

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MR. HEINEMANN’S NEW BOOKS. | Gold Medal, London, 1896. alter Tranalated 67 [a Laay Me av ro With # te Tiimetrats ma im the Te Biition de Laze tienited te is copt -y) inted on nm india paper. 2 Vols, £6 THE CASTLES OF ENGLAND: cee Sey oot eee a majesty the vDedies trations, and many FPians net to eubecribers EOCOND EMPIRE. By Acerar D - "ae Baglishman in Paris.” TIMBUCTOO THE MYSTERI- ous b u oi ss a 163 . lustre tions and || Maps and Plans | Vol., its. 64 A anDaM pone BOOK OF SCOUNDRELS. Rh, miscer. With a cover designed hi stier. Tval 74.44 Lire THE ACCU: Woma a he. « \-y 6 THE OTHER HOUSE. Ww \ Bee iadomen teas An illustrated lis ee se Heinemann's announce ts post free By “PUNCH” is being set up every week by LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. | THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE CO. (sz Head Office: EDINBURGH. Accumulated Fund, 8 Millions Stg. NEW REDUCED WITHOUT PROFITS. Bran ches tn I. dia and the Colonies. EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTING GOCOA ReAL GERMAN H por Rit Ra Aon eons Pi Sess amd Gre cones | 1 Vol, se net. Also an capes nese vellum, with a duplic ate set of the Plates net ane ‘art | the Geern With # Full os ae . Ploses, ‘00 Te ext iilus In 2 Vols, price £5 a. a ee OF THE | THE FACE OF THE awre ha rest, Author SER. By ‘A Superfiuous london: Wa HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford 8t., WC. | RATES. ___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemper 28, 1896. ag | ‘LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE. ‘« LAMA BOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS INDIEN GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, S.E. AND DRUGGISTS, FOR CONSTIPATION, Headache. 2s. Gd. A BOX, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Moi, 1, ot April Ly of Appetite, Gastric and | “Y.: bourn of SPAIN, Gree, Intestinal Troubles, | =e CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World of Novelties in High-class Jewellery. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: 112, REGENT sT.,W (Adsoin ime Gulameneen Courant. Registered Trade Mark BED W A RD. Ploughs, Harrows, Haymakers, Horse Rakes, Mowers, Straw Trussers, Fodder Presses, Oil En- 65 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. gines, and Portable Railway. ~~ WORTH et Cie. a! spéciauré : CORS ETS | ao Mi) OFLY ADDRESS: 134, WEW BOND ST., W. Noconnection with Worth of Paris. \) \ for aw class SAVORY and MOORE’S INFANTS’ FOOD. BEST AND MOST ECONOMICAL. department for | roecZom Ase eS CO Erow (Jacket and Vest) for boy of 8 years, 19/-. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE and 7 "A TTERN NS freeon application, — CENTLEMEN'S WICS. ® Perfect Imitations of Nature. -. Bg Lhe ara no wigay a — for self - me easurement on application ; tu ns CHAS. BOND & SON, 43, NEW BOND STREET, W. pect oe mm ame 5 or Ladies’ nd —— ettes. Rend bs 4, ‘tus trat er BRUSH ane your chain in two ye ok Handle, Se. 64. Ivory Hendie, Ts. 64. A al y Handles, in Russia leather case, Zs. From all Perfumers and Dealers Wholesale; Ossonws, G.anert, @ Co., London, W Great Britain and Ireland : _KREUGER & a Post free for 1s. 14d. of the Sole Agents for Botolph House, figeteh a ss ny bm E.C — A BOON TO CYCLISTS. BURNIP’S PATENT CHAIN minutes. “$. MORDAN & CO.” | SAMUEL BROTHERS, ORIENTAL omexy COMPANY'S YACHTiNg , CRUISES by the steamships LUSItaNy tons register, and GARONNE, 3,576 tom te from London « » endorse "re Ge, lesving Jem Hh. teeees ay roy OPLE. ac oo March 31, returnin For PORTUGAL, MO & Co., Anderson, Anderson & Co. Head () » Fen ehurch Avenue. For e apply to ie : firm, at 6, Fenchurch Kreawe, London, E cae the West- End Hranch Office, is, Coekspu St, aw HOTEL METROPOLE BRIGHTON. * The finest and most luxurious Seaside Hotel in the World Charges eaatlactine. Proprietors: THE CORDON HOTELS, LTD. CARPETS Sold at Wholesale Prices TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Price List. TER-SCt Geclly, whotibome ROWLAN DS MACASSAR OIL Preserves. Beautifies, Strengthens the also in Golden Colour, 3a. 64., 7s., ae ROWLANDS’ ODONTO The Best and Safest Dentifrice: 2 %., of Chemists and Perfumers. Send Poste! Order to— A. ROWLAND & SONS, 20, Harrow Garver, Lovpor. Yeaam 158 to 162, OXFORD ST. W. 2, QUEEN VICTORIAST..E.C. (Facing the Mansion House.) Manufactory: THE ROYAL WORKS, NORFOLK STREET, SHEFFIELD. "| LONDON. lilastrated Price Lists al F ree.

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| that I was quite struck by the casual, inconsequent tone of your | | the only lady-killer of modern times was the unpopular character | known to pemgege e history as “Jack the Ri igh Novemcer 28, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 253 OVERHEARD NEAR BERGEN. Norwegian Host (whose English is not perfect—to British Tourist). ‘““Wuat THAT I TELL you, SARR, IT IS QUITE TRUE. NANSEN KILLED HIS LAST DoG TO SAVE THE OTHERS!” LETTERS OF MARJORIE AND GLADYS. I.—Tue Decuine or FLIRTATION. _ My pear Grapys,—I had not heard from you for so long—not, indeed, since the sad termination of your last engagement— letter, and still more by the calm flippancy with which you ex- press the | surprising opinion that “flirtation is gradually dying out. I know there is much to be said for this view, and without going as far as a young friend of mine, who recently declared pper,” I admit I do perceive a slight falling-off in the number of those young men who were former! as “mashers”; a decline in the quality and quantity of the tame cat. shy than wild, and the jeune premier in general is extremely rare (and dreadfully spoilt in consequence). It is quite un- usual, nowadays, to find a young man who lives for ladies’ favour. Where is the rush at dances to secure the envied hand of the belle of the ball? Is there such a thing, now, as the belle of a ball? I think not. In France, they attribute this decline aggerate dreadfully. Especially it is not for you to make such an assertion, you, who spend your spare time in collecting all the most frivolous living exponents of the art. You forget that I watched, through the opera-glasses of friendly interest, your somewhat breathless gallop through your last season. You left me gasping at the immense stri you have made since you came out, at your caprices, your fickleness. There was a time when you liked one young man better than the others for a month, or even more ; now, one musical afternoon is the average duration, and a couple of dinner-parties the limit. And then, your reasons for your preferences. They are as futile as your excuses for giving them up. You liked De Verney “ because you heard he took cocaine,” and threw him over because he was “too thin and too fond of jewellery.” You became inseparable friends with young Monrrorp for nearly a whole evening, be- cause you had been told “he had naturally curly hair that was artificially straightened out.” When you found out that the iron had never entered into his hair you dropped him at once, on the trivial pretext that he sent you some roses, and that you are “tired of roses.” Tired of roses! at twenty! Sometimes the reason for your sympathy is the same one as the reason for your coldness. You took a fancy to Cartneton “because he wore a black ribbon watch-chain,” and you gave up Carineton “ be- cause he wore a black ribbon watch-chain.” Indeed, ever since your engagement with that serious young man, Orre., who left England und:r a cloud, for which his father had to provide the silver lining, I observe that your admirers become more and more of a trivial type. Two points in common are to be found in them all, whatever their variety—either they are called Recere, or they »re Secretaries. In extreme cases, they are both. They all do nothing, and think they know everything ; they are constantly being photographed, freauently in some sentimental difficulty. and cqmplain a good deal to one another of the “wearingness” of being faithful to five people at once. Marriage never even occurs to them, and since, I suppose, you have not given up the idea—not thinking a Humber a sufficient substitute for a husband—I should strongly advise you to turn your thoughts, soon. in a different direction. But when you write again, please don’t complain of the decline of flirtation ; the lament, from you, has so hollow a sound. Rather, give me instead some instances of the new methods, your own and your friends’. I have not kept up with the movement of late, and I have been told that you have reached a high level of artistic merit. But do be more serious! Your affectionate friend, Mansons. CANINE SAGACITY. Nosie Conpucr or A Puppy! Dear Str,—My little son (Aveustus, aged four-and-a-half) was left in a room by himself, about three days ago. He found two or three stray lucifer matches, and proceeded to strike them for his own amusement. I happened to reach one of the door- ways leading into the apartment just as he had succeeded in burning his first match. Imagine my dismay—and thankfulness! Before, however, I could say a word, or step forward, another actor appeared upon the scene—a young St. Bernard (named Squelch) which had not hitherto shown marked intelligence. He saw the danger, and decided upon action as promptly as any human being could have done under the circumstances. With a blow of his paw he knocked the remaining matches from the hands of my little son. The latter has a spirit of his own, and not understanding the wisdom and kindliness which dictated the dog’s action, endeavoured pettishly to recover his playthings. Now comes the supreme interest of the story! Seeing that he was likely to be foiled in his benevolent purpose, the devoted The Don Juan is rather | animal deliberately chewed up and swallowed the remaining matches! thereby preventing all further risk to the child at con- siderable inconvenience to himself ! I read with much interest a letter which appeared exactly a year ago in your columns about a dog who unselfishly presented his mistress with his best bone; but I think you will agree with me that Squelch has broken the record. He has shown decided to the increasing charms of the bicycle. But what do the French | |. . F . F : . : : signs of seediness for the last day or two, undoubtedly due to know about flirtation? Flirtation is an essentially English the harmful nature of the chemicals absorbed into his system. product (in America, it is too frequently liable to degenerate into mere friendship) ; and, though the French imitate us now, there seems to me always something a little depressing, even a little sinister, in a Parisian’s mode of carrying on. what he calls “un flirt” with an English girl. I doubt if an English girl ever quite realises his point of view. But to speak of it as a quaint old custom, surviving merely on Margate Pier and in the Kensington Town Hall, is to ex- faltered. — Backs, et preterea nil.” Yet the noble dog must have been aware at the time that such unnatural diet was bound to disagree with him—yet he never Believe me, Sir, Yours ever, A Tuankro Parent. Descriptive DerrniTion or Campripcr IN THE Summer Tero. VOL, (XI. CRP MLB FI ea lh aE: CII OE SO toad aS gmt Fes ia es

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [NovEMBER

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\ I \\ \ = SS =———> “ra ZZ; SS ath 4 SS — A = tes —— ee “CREDE EXPERTO.” Mr. Gladstone (to Prince Bismarck), ‘‘ TAKE MY ADVICE, Prince. Do as I po, AND sTICK To Post-caRps!”

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NovemBer 28, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (yo val Ry, i We bal \\ 4 $3) ™, jit *Y bs od Ww 1 edgar sully — da. pager "Woh rank SY lh rit, \ Pink by rat \! M% 8iVi Ve iyi | 1 Nl ') ' % HOY? 0 4h ‘pyre ys, ¢ 14 = Mi, We ; ; . y ws r] , "NV mn \ h did! j W)) fi re: (LEADEN) HALL MARKED. Notorious Covert Owner, ‘‘THERE HE GoES, MY LorD! Isn’T HE A BEAUTY?” Noble Master. ‘‘H’m—ves. A FINE Fox. Bur way DIDN’T you TELL your Kerrer To PICK THE SrrRaw our oF HI8 Brvsat” THE OLD ROCKET-CASE. | [Brsaarcx, who calls himself *‘ the old rocket-case in the Sachsenwald,”’ is | reported to have said that old age, in the country, when the physical powers | no longer permit the saddle and the chase, is a depressing fate, and he is sorry | he had not taken a house in Berlin and received his friends daily in genial converse. } The Teuton Titan ruminates :— Captain Morris was right! I feel chock-full of spleen. “ A cow on a common, a goose on a green,” Mean boredom incarnate, to one of my mood. There ’s rust in my iron, there’s ice in my blood! Blood and iron? Ach, Himmel! I might be a lath Painted iron—like Cxcri, and impotent wrath Stirs my blood—into biliousness. Who cares to stop Effervescence, when harmless as cheap ginger-pop ? | A regular old rocket-case, void, fizzled out Like a woman are old, or a man with the gout. | Who says “ up like a rocket, and down like its stick ” ? | | | | He’\l see—if he comes within reach of my kick! Pyrotechnics! Ach! mighty poor substitutes, those, For nage —in guns, or the sword’s slashing blows. Ah, Motrxg, old Silence, you ’re happiest, far, Not tempted, like me, to mere tongue-wagger’s war! A firework Sedan! Why, that is but a show For Joun Butt’s Crystal Palace a fiz-gig tableau, To make boys blare and bellow, and old ladies gasp. Oh, memory, “ You’re dowered with a sting like an asp!” Yet fireworks, well handled, may frighten. At least, Upset old women diplomats, scared at their feast Like Betsuazzar the fool. That last cracker was fine! A squib, for a moment, may seem like a mine! But Sachsenwald solitudes tempt one to—sin. “Oh! give me the sweet, shady side of ”—Berlin. Mad Morris again! Yet he was not so mad. ; There is Tophet for strength on the shelf. Which is sad. Old age in the country, sans saddle, or chase, Is like—Ithaca’s rest to Ulysses—my case ! The Dr. Warts twaddlers, no doubt, in far lands, Hint that Satan finds mischief for my idle hands. | The dolts! Could I trip them, like Annrm.—Ah well! If Count Harry were here, he might hint that a cell Was his foeman’s desert full as much as his own. Ach! Minnows make mouths at a triton o’erthrown. O’erthrown! As though Etna could e’er be destroyed Save by its own fires! True, if those were cuplezed In volcanic self-wreck!—Faugh! My care is so slight | For the babblers who hint this. Yet—how if they ’re right? [Left brooding Our Christmas Game Bag. “Wuart’s in a name?” Yet the gentle Italian “ Attracto” hardly suggests a new and exciting method of fishing on the table. For explanation, C. W. Fautkxner & Co., who publish them, have added a stock — translation of “catch ’em.” | Another enticing amusement known as “ Nurky,” is somewhat mystifying to the uninitiated; it is an easy method of making | ducks and drakes of your money. So simple! In THe Nortu Exrress.—Astonishment of an affable Lincoln- shire squire on inquiring “ Do you know what Grantham is cele- brated for?” expecting the answer “Gingerbread,” to receive | the retort from his fellow-passenger, a soured advocate, “ Yes ; | sitting on the Bar!” A Ducat Lixne.—The Duchess of Portianp has, in the Floors | Water, captured no less than three salmon. Henceforth she | ought to be known as Her Grace of Fishland.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Novemper 28, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Bazsoo Hurry Bunesuo Jaspersex, B.A.) No. XXVIIL Notes taken by Mr. Jabberjee in Court during the proceedings. Mankleow v. Jabberjec. Queen’s Bench Court, No. ——. 10.20 a.m. Tue eventful morn of my trial for Breach of Promise has at length arrived, and I am resolved to jot down on the exterior of my brief such tittles as take place. I have taken my seat in | Court on one of the benches reserved for long-robed juniors , in my immediate rear being my solicitor, Sipney Smarrie, Esq., who will officiate as my Remembrancer and Friend in Need In the Great Hall below I had the pleasure to encounter Miss Jessimina and that worthy Madam her Mamma, being prepared ‘* Fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped.” | to greet them with effusive kindness, and assure them I was only a hostile in my professional capacity. Whether they were struck | with awe by the unaccustomed majesty of my appearance in brand-new wig, bands, &c., in which I am as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped, or whether they simply did not recognise me in the disguisement of such toggeries, I am not to decide—but they passed by without responding visibly to my salutations. 10.25.—A stout, large Q.C., with luxuriant cheek-whiskers has just entered the row in front. Mister SmarTie whispers me that this is Wiraerincton, whom I refused to engage, and who is now in opposition. I have taken the undue liberty to pluck him by the sleeve and introduce myself in straightforward English style to his honourable notice, acquainting him that his unfortunate client had a very flimsy case, and was not deserving of success, while myself was a meritcrious Native Neophyte, whose entire fortune was impaled on a stake, and urging him not to show too windy a temper to such a shorn lamb as his petitioner. . However, he has declined rather peremptorily to lend me his ears, nor can I induce his learned junior, who is my next neigh- bour, to show me any fraternal kindness. My said solicitor is highly indignant at my treatment, and warns me in an undertone that I am not to make any further overtures to such stuck-up individuals. 10.30.—Hon’ble Mister Justice Hongyoatt enters in highly dignified fashion. He is of a bland, benignant, and intensely clean aspect, which uplifts my downfallen heart, for it is obvious, from his benevolent and smiling bow to myself that he already feels a paternal interest in my achieving the conquest of my spurs. The jury are taking the oath. Whether any of my co-con- tributors to Punch are among them I cannot discover, since they do not vouchsafe to encourage me by the freemasonry of even a surreptitious simper. But this is perhaps occasioned by over prudence. The learned junior on my right has risen, and in shockingly bald and barren verbiage has stated the issues which are to be tried, and, being evidently no Heaven-born orator, sits abruptly down, completely gravelled for lack of a more copious vocabu- a A poor tongue-tied devil of a chap whom I regard with pity Wirnerineton, Q.C., is addressing the jury. He is not a tongue-tied, but he speaks in a colloquial, commonplace sort of fashion which does not shed a very brilliant lustre upon boasted British advocacy. Though of an unromantic obesity, it appears from the excessive eulogies he lavishes upon Jesstm1na that he is already the tangled fly in the web of her feminine enchantments. What a pity that such a prominent barrister should be so unskilled in seeing through the female heart! He is persisting in making most incorrect and uncomplimentary allusions to my underserving self, which it is impossible that I am to suffer without rising to repudiate with voluble indignation ! However, though he makes bitter complaints of my interrup- tions, he does me the honour to refer to me as his friend, for which I thank him with a gratified fervour, assuring him that I reciprocate his esteem. Hon’ble Judge has just tendered me the kindly and golden advice that, unless I sit down and remain hermetically sealed, the case will infallibly continue for ever and anon, and that I am not to advance my interests by disregarding the customary eti- quettes of the Bar. 11.5.—JessrmiNa is giving her testimony. Indubitably she | has greatly improved in her physical appearance since I was a resident of Porticobello House, and her habiliments are as fashionably ladylike (if not more so) than Miss WeE-wer’s own! Alack! that she should relate her story with so many departures from ordinary veracity. Her pulchritude and _ well-assumed timidity have captivated even the senile Judge, for, after I have risen and vehemently contradicted her in various unimportant | details, he has actually barked at me that, unless I wait until it is my turn to cross-examine he will take some very severe measure with me at the rising of the Court! A pretty specimen of judicial impartiality ! 1.30 p.a.—The Court has risen for lunch at the conclusion of a rather severe cross-examination by myself of the fair plaintiff, and, not being oppressed by pangs of hunger, I have leisure to record the result—which, owing to the partisanship of Hon’ble Bench, the disgracefully complicated state of the laws of Evidence, and Miss Jzssimina’s ingenuity in returning entirely wrong answers to my searching interrogatories, did not attain to the sanguine level of my expectations. For instance, when I asked her whether it’ was not the fact that I was notoriously deficient in physical courageousness, she made the unexpected reply that she had not observed it, and that I had frequently deseri to her my daring achievements in sticking wild pigs and shooting man-eating tigers. Also she entirely refused to admit that the turquoise and gold ring I had given her was not in token of our betrothal, but merely to compensate her for not being invited as well as myself to a certain fashionable dinner-party; and the Judge (inter- rupting in the most unwarrantable manner) said that, as he did not understand that I seriously denied the existence of an en- gagement to marry, he was unable to perceive the bearings of my | uery. . Again, I reminded her of her mention of the gift of a china model of Poet Saaxspeare’s birthplace, and uired her—on her oath—to answer whether it had not been originally intended for another lady, and whether, having accidentally seated myself upon it, I had not decided to bestow the disjecta membra upon herself instead. -_

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NovemBer 28, 1896.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257

To which she replied, with artfully simulated emotion, that all she knew was that I had assured her at the time that the said piece of china had been expressly purchased for herself as a souvenir of my ardent affection, and she had accepted it as such, and carefully restored it with some patent cement. Before this the Judge had asked me how I could expect the plaintiff to know what was passing in the tortuous recesses of my own mind, and informed her that she need not answer such a ridiculous question unless she pleased. But she did please, and her answer was received with applause, which, however, the Bench perceiving, though tardily, that I was entitled to some protection, did declare in angry tones that it was on no aceount to be permitted. Next I inquired whether it was not true that she was of a flirtatious disposition, and addicted to laugh and talk vivaciously with the gentlemen boarders, and whether I had not earnestly remonstrated with her upon such conduct. Here Wrrnerinc- ton, Q.C., bounded on to his feet, and protested that I was not entitled to put this question now, since I had not dared to | allege in my letters or pleadings that I had breached my promise

owing to any misconduct of plaintiff. But, instead of submitting to such objection, Jessimina answered in mellifiluous accents that she had never manif more than ordinary civility towards any gentleman-boarder, but that I had displayed passionate jealousy of them all prior to my engagement—though never since, because she hed sbver afforded the slightest excuse for remonstrances. Whereupon she was again flooded with tears, which stirred my heart with tender commiseration ; for her maidenly distress did only increase her charms to infinity. And the Judge, feeling fatherly sympathy for myself, observed very kindly that I had got my answer, which he hoped might do me much good. For which good wish I thanked him gratefully; and the Court was again dissolved in senseless cachinnations ! Next I cross-questioned her as to her refusal of my offer to marry on the ground that I was already the husband of one infant wife, and whether it was not the fact. She responded that I had referred her to Mr. Cuuckersoutty Ram for corrobora- tion of my story, and that he had informed her that my said wife was a deceased. Here I cleverly took the legal objection that what Mr. Ram said was not evidence, and warned her to be careful, while the Hon’ble Judge partly upheld my contention, remarking that it was evidence that a conversation was held, but not of the truth of the facts stated in such conversation, thereby showing clearly that he did not credit her story. Upon the whole, I am confident that I have at least silenced the guns of WirnerineTon, Q.C., for upon the conclusion of my cross-examination, he admitted that he had no further questions to ask the plaintiff! My solicitor says I shall have to buck myself up if I am to re- duce the damages to any reasonable amount, and that he had been desirous from the first to brief Wirnerineton. But this is to croak like a raven, for the cross-examining is, after all, of very minor importance compared to the Gift of the Gab—in which I am notoriously nulli secundus. 2.15 p.m.—The Court has returned. Wirnerineton’s Junior has called Jessimmna’s mother, whom I shall presently have the bounden but rather painful duty to cross-examine sharply. Already I experience serious sinkings in stomach department. Sursum corda! I must buck it up. A BISHOP'S IDEAS ON LADIES’ JDEALS, Tue Bishop of Hererorp, in distributing the prizes at the Redland Girls’ High School at Bristol, as reported in the Daily Telegraph, said : — ‘There was one ideal against which he ventured tv warn young women, especially of the upper and middle classes, viz., the ideal of aping men’s fashions and manners. He sometimes saw very smart young ladies in waist- coats ok on, which suggested imitation of men, and he always felt it was a mistake.’ Miss Mipp.ecrvst is of opinion that this attack comes with a very bad grace a smart, middle-aged man who attires himself in “lawn sleeves,” an “apron,” and “so on,” and she would like to know his feelings on that subject.

“Tue only Patti Concert” was announced for last Saturday. Would it not have been even more correct: to have styled it, “ The Concert of ‘the Only Parm’” ?

_Sueerstep.—New up-to-date novel by the author of Caris- sima, to be called Motor-Car-issima, with pedal notes by M.C.C.

_ SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. No. I.

EXAMINATION PAPER For Candidates for Teachership at owr Educational Institusions. 1. Give a short history of cricket during the last two centu- ries, marking the changes in the game, with special regard to | “ no-balls,” 2. Has any foreigner made a “not out” century? Briefly summarise the exploits of any three Australian batemen and a prince of Indian extraction.

3. Who were “the three Graces”? Describe the favourite | attitude of “the Doctor.” 4. What are the rules of football? In what respect does | Rugby differ from Association regulations ? 5. Write a short essay —_ either golf, lawn-tennis, or quoits. | u 6. What do you know a of high jump, the one hundred yards, and putting the stone. 7. How would you coach an eight? When should a crew go into training? What should be the diet of a coxswain six weeks before starting on the Thames at Putney ? 8. Show by diagram what you should do if the white ball were three inches to the left of the right upper pocket, the red on spot, and you yourself in baulk. Bhould you play for a cannon or a hazard ? 9. What should be the outfit of a public schoolboy? Should he have two pairs of cricketing boots? Give reasons for your answers. 10. Show that athletics are more important than book learn- ing. Why has croquet been described as “the game of girls” ? 11. What is your weight? How much do you measure round the chest? How many inches are you above six feet? 12. Finally, if you have time, for the question is optional, and carries no marks, state briefly what you know about Latin and Greek.

t University sports? Give records |

+ epee wae pee ae RR aoe <ethialdiniatadaa, ae ee

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« < 4 o C2 By Sapte rg 7G ; Lk ae Zi SD oe tee te | { Awa ne? al | Atif WAN YRS we i\i ~ hand Dewy faint av h 4) N 1 1 Wit A ft) st mi i Ny aK | ; yy dl ; t vals ) I) autia MM] fu is WN ‘ i ATT Eyl CORNY i § hve 4 a Wein 6 Fo Ty iy fea Pl) oy (fal | Wi | ; * } 4 oe bm My Here comes Sir CHARLes THISTLEDOWN AND HIS NEWLY-MARRIED Wire. AND YET PEOPLE SAY HE MARRIED BENEATH HIM!

AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE. AUTOMOBILISTIC BRIGHTON. Dear Misrer,—The great event of this month here is the in- auguration of english automobilism. At Brighton above all one is in the movement, dans le mouvement. Naturally the fourteen I desire to see to arrive the fifty-four carriages of which one has spoken, the before-runners of the rators of automobilism in England. Therefore, towards the four hours, I regard by the window of | | the hotel, and I perceive much of persons who walk themselves | by a time of the most frightfuls. He rains, as at the ordinary in your country at the occasion of any assembly in full air. Quel climat! Not only that, but, the sky being covered, be makes himself already obscure, even before the hour of the going to bed of the sun, and also he makes a wind truly frightening, in effect one half-gale. What time for the unhappy automobilists! At cause of the obscurity, and of the crowd Toco not anything from the windows of the hotel, and I am obliged of to endorse my “‘mackintosh” and of to go out. Quel temps! Impossible of to hold an umbrella! And in Eng- land one carries not a capuchon for to cover the head, as in France. However see there much of charming misses, who walk themselves by a time as that, without to trouble themselves, the least of the world, of the rain, of the wind, or of the mud. And what mud—all as at London! Not only young misses, but also old ladies, old ones—vieillards—little childs, all are there. Also enormously of bicyclettes and of a horse-car- riages,” for he must to distinguish at present. All, excepted the automobiles ! He makes black, but all the world continues of to walk himself at the electric light. oa three quarters of an hour, without anything to see ex- cepted the crowd, all to blow, tout @ coup, I smell an odour of oil—ah but, an odour of the most disheartenings, éceurantes !— and I perceive a little carriage, conducted by a man, in costume of “ yachtman,” with a droll of bonnet, galonné of gold. The little carriage is followed of two other carriages and odours of oil, still more di ning, and, after some time, of an electric carriage, absolutely without odour. Voila tout! All the world has passed one hour or more by a frightful time, for to ’ ea changement, the inaugu- | And see there, after to have attended | | see to arrive four carriages, absolutely covered of mud, and one distinguishes them at pain in the obscurity, excepted by the odour of the oil and by the vacarme of the mechanism. Truly it is an historic occasion, the inauguration of the carriage of the future, but extremely disagreeable by a so villain time. Me I am myself horribly enrheumed. Since that I have had the grip, the influenza, there in some years, a rheum of brain is a veritable malady for me. Je me mouche, 1 pocket-handkerchief myself, absolutely without cease, j’éternue éternellement, I sneeze eternally, I have bad at the head, bad at the throat, bad at the eyes. dinarily of a natural enough gay, I become a miserable pessimist, incapable of anything to do. I say all this for to ex- plain for what I write this so longtime after. But in verity one sees some automobiles at Brighton, and by a superb time, all the days since the fourteen, above all the six- teen—all sorts of carriages, the most part as those that I have already seen at Paris. And all the world speaks but of that. It is that which the English call “a new craziness.” Even the respectable and ancient “Chainpier” becomes an automobile, and goes gently towards the east. In fine perhaps the “ Pavillon,” that droll of palace of Gzoncz Four, will part also, en route to Pekin. Agree, &c., AUGUSTE.

At a Metropolitan Police Court. (A Forecast.) risoner). You are accused of stealing two | loaves of bread. Have you any defence ? : risoner. Yes, your worship. I’m a confirmed kleptomaniac —when my wife and children are starving. Magistrate. Have you any reference as to Prisoner. Yes, your worship, all the best the Home Secretary. Magistrate. Discharged ! Without a stain upon your charac- ter! The quality of mercy can never be strained nowadays. It is only diluted. | Magistrate (to our statement ? ondon doctors and two other | states that Viscount Gonz up onz.—The Daily Telegraph is | Wotsetey is to be the guest of the Marquis of Roszpery. | this the outcome of the Primrose League proclivities ?

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Sutran. ‘“‘BISMILLA! MAKE ME INTO A LIMITED COMPANY? PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 28, 1896.

PROSPECTUS |) | t

REORCANISATION Jk — Ge = OF THE yi s OTTOMAN EMPIRE. [BSS CAPITAL £5:000.000. | ES | | (| Maeat 4 wir “0,

“TURKEY LIMITED.” ME TO JOIN THE BOARD AFTER ALLOTMENT!”

/ | “4 WN) . Wh - . = / | Sin Hi : / 4 —_ | hy! Wh : » r /—e ! — - = — ae <= M’M—AH—S’POSE THEY’LL ALLOW [It is reported that “‘ among the proposals ” which the Powers have “‘ under serious consideration,”’ is a scheme for raising a “‘ new Turkish Loan of five millions sterling,”’ to be applied to the cost of the judiciary, revenue, and police service ‘‘ under European control.”’}

ee —_ —_ Giietiiie aes Fb nent = PERCHES

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NovemBer 28, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 261 ’ . JOTORHUNT.|/” ONLY AUTOMATIC Foxes USED, NO CRUELTY, DSLANK DAYS, ELECTRIC, Team wogses Hy FOR Hi RE_2a WE MEETS. i 4 —— j ' ~~ peiee \ if! ; ou | mY) e Th oe SIGNS OF THE TIMES. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Lire among savages is apparently mild compared to the ordi- nary existence of a sch y, especially in His First Year at School, by ALrrep Wrst (Fisner Unwin). His time was any- thing but a peaceful one. “ Ragging” and “rotting,” with many other modern terms for torture, are suggestive of capital fun, except for the unhappy victim. But the result is effective, the process of evolution irable through which the namby-pamby individual develops into an every-day youth. In writing The Life of Archbishop M (Ispister), Dr. Mac- DonngLL has enjoyed the advantage of finding a sequence of letters from the pen of Dr. Macrs, which, with here and there a deft touch, suffice to tell the story. Thisisthe best way a bio- graphy may be written. It is, however, doubtful whether, had Dr. Magee been in a ion to be consulted, he would have con- sented to the publication of all the letters which appear in these volumes. There is, for example, one steed Hae Spain to his friend Dr. MacDonng.u, then a curate in County Carlow. “Tf I were in your place,” he writes, “I should borrow without scruple for my sermons. It is the only debt a man is not obliged to repay.” Foran unsop layman like my Baronite this is a little startling. Suppose the analagous case of a journalist preach- ing his weekly sermon in, say, the Spectator. Suppose, in order to fill up his appointed space and earn his apportioned fee, he were to delve out of back numbers articles by other hands, furbish them up to suit time and occasion, and pass them off his own. What would be said spn an unsuspecting editor as of such a sinner in quiet country parishes? Another section of the correspondence which grates upon the sensitive lay mind, un- suspicious of such things in Rectories and Deaneries, is evidence of ring after professional promotion. Once Macesr permitted himself to utter the frankest complaint of a bishop who had been an unconscionably long time dying. “The Bishopric of Meath,” he writes, on August 1, 1886, “would, I believe. have becn mine had Dr. Sinemr’s death taken place just three weeks sooner than it did. Three weeks of an exniring and seeming: | useless life lay between me and all that a bishopric im- plies.” Whilst this inconsiderate man lingered on, clinging to life with reprehensible selfishness, Earl Russgett, who would have promoted the Dean of Cork, was turned out of office, and Lord Dersy, who had other clerical friends to serve, took his place. Hence t tears over the bier of the dallying bishop. i i i Macer’s lette od tmning th a ey he “Bent ezr’s letters penn uring Irish Church Bill are the most interesting and valuable portion of the book. On every page he dis- closes his inner self, supplying rare opportunity for the study of a man. Occasionally sums himself up in a phrase. “You will think me,” he writes, in April, 1873, “a strangely ugnacious bishop.” Three years later declares, “T ought to ve been the editor of a Radical newspaper instead Pinion a Conservative bishop.” If for “ought” we read “might” this is very true. As his career was shaped it was infinitely better. The editor of a Radical paper is a commonplace of humanity as compared with a Macre on the Epi Bench. The letters will rank among the best in the English language. The sentences follow each other like hammer strokes, each one hitting the nail. Let us praise heroes. The Life of Nelson, by Sovrney, brought out by Messrs. Dent, of the Aldine House. To the neatness and daintiness of the binding of this Dent's production, this in-dent-ure witnesseth. Powerfully told is the sad story of A Child of the Jago, by Arruur Morrison, published by Meruumn. It seems to the | Baron as though the author been inspired to write a modern version of that hideous and squalid part of DickEns’s | Oliver Twist, in which old Fagin, Bill Sikes, Nancy, Charley | Bates, and the Dodger are the principal actors. In the action | of the hypocritical “fence” there is also a touch of our old friend “ Melter Moss” in Tom Tayuor’s Ticket-of-Leave Man who, in the drama, went to the merchant’s office to “split” on Bob Brierly, just as Weech, in this tale, ruins the pros of the un- fortunate Dicky Perrott. The flight of the criminal after the murder recalls both that of Bill Sikes and Jonas Chuzzlewit, unde similar circumstances. The description of the great fight be- tween Josh Perrott and Billy Leahy is a master-piece. A glossary of thieves’ slang—or the slang of The Jago—-ought to appear as appendix. It is horribly, detestably fascinating. xcept that Amyas is true to his Geraldine, the story of Sir Amyas, Cavalier, 7 to a certain point is that of the ballad of Billy Taylor, whom his “ true love followed after under the name of Richard Carr,” disguised as a sailor. So Geraldine, dis- uised as a youthful soldier, follows her lover, Amyas, and comes his wedded wife while yet “masking as a cornet of the king’s horse.” The interest of the story ends with the discovery and the marriage, in the middle of the book. After that, all about King Cuarves and OLiver is vieur jeu. Mr. M. H. Hervey’s Sir Amyas is to be heard of, in a single readable volume, at the house of one Master ArrowsmitH, of Bristol. Constance Cotrere.i’s Impossible Person, to be found in Fisrer Unwrn’s Autonym Library, began as a kind of composite being, ar. between Dora Spenlow and little Paul Dombey. Then “ Little” Exizaneru w a ea became another version of Mrs. David Copperfield of Blunderstone eng who was wearied out of life by Mr. Murdstone amiable sister Jane, here, in this story, represented by Lucas and Elaine. Yet, those who take up this little book, will thank Miss Correrext for a delightful story, and will finish their ex- pression of genuine approbation with the child’s usual request, “Now tell us another! do tell us another!” Yes, “tell us another,” quoth Tue Baron. To Princess Charles of Denmark. (Born November 26, 1869.) Princess! a birthday-greeting, not The stereotyped congratulation That is the wonted fulsome lot Of those who represent high station. This from our hearts, good. bright Princess, Long may you, Danish wed, possess love of all your father’s nation ! Tue Natrurat Crest or every Gor Cius.—The lynx. Lerrs calls them “desk or rough diaries.” Why “rough,” when they are intended for “Gentles all”? Ladies who like to keep strict account of their dressmakers’ bills will find these | diaries eminently adapted to suit their figures. Tue Favourite or THe Motor-Cars.—Petroleum.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 28, 1896, “TO ARMS!” In the Saturday Review a writer, signing himself “X,” an unknown quantity, has recentl a series of arti the “Snobbery of it,” in which he shows how certain new men, and some old ones too, ambitiously eager to heraldic devices associated with ancient houses and noble li e, have rushed in where Dukes feared to tread. The title of “X”’s articles might have been more appropriately “ Robbery and Snob- Tue Eanrt or B-xn-To. Arms : Quarterly; Ist (of the month), a regal cheque in advance proper ; 2ad, fretty but cheeky; 3rd, a Boer rampant and bristled; 4th, grand quarters (in Park Lane), behind heraldic scaffolding a castle garnished all proper. Crest » South African Lion rampant ducally gorged or. Supporters: Dexter, a bull; sinister, a bear, both proper, plain collared (celluloid) and chained or. e Ry Tus Duxe or Ru-p-s, Arms: Sable, a British lion trippant, collared, chained, and muzzled; charged with a raid over a bordure improper bearing the British flag de- pressed. Crests: ist, a Boer’s head couped at the neck; 2nd, a hand graspiny a sword sinister. Supporters: Dexter, a blackamoor semée of pel andl — © ang (Loben)gules , sinister, a Chartered Company trooper gorged wi urels. ~~ ? Pa Rem MBER ZRUGERSUS bery Under Arms.” But, we ask, why hark back to ancient and pall-wemn devices? Why not commence a new era? Why not let our Millionaires of the Moment and Newly-Titled Ones send to Mr. Punch’s own Heraldic Artist for their arms, which will always be ready to hand on the shortest notice, and for their quarterings, which will be provided “while you wait?” We give a few specimens to start with, and “ you will do the rest.” ALWAYS Viscount G-ttT1 oF THE STRAND. Arms : Quarterly ; Ist, argent a cruet charged extra; 2nd, a magnum or trés sec ; 3rd, six native oyster-shells all passable; 4th, a cdtelette de mouton charged twice over. Crest; 1st, a waiter passant charged with a salver argent, sinister arm a serviette; 2nd, a demi-customer rampant holding in the sinister hand a parapluie vert. Supporters: Two jeunesses dorées flippant regally gorged or. Baron M-ptz or TorrenHAM CouRT. Arms: Quarterly; Ist, five dining-room chairs (a bargain) ; 2nd, three race-horses sable just rounding Tottenham Cour——no, Tattenham Corner ; 3rd, a winter sale (at greatly reduced prices) proper; 4th, an art sofa of the very latest, vert, azure, or gules, Crest: A pegasus rampant, new wings furnished throughout by M-ple & Co. Supporters: Two shop-walkers monstrant frock-coated sable.

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NovemBer 28, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 263 Wa |e Ij hy Til | | | eee Ns) VN), Ha | me IN > i~ = y |) | OVERHEARD AT HYDE PARK CORNER. No Ciass, THESE ERE BIcycLeRs, 1s THEY, CAPTING!?” ~at THE ONE TOPIC. Old Lady. Yes my dear, it is very in- teresting. I remember, when I was a girl, going to see the first train pass through Bath, i as you went to see these motor- cars, &c., &c. Small Boy. Hullo, Tommy! My guv- nor’s given me ten bob, and SmiTrH minor and me are going to make a motor-car, &e., &. Old Gentleman. I think I’ll take some shares. The papers are full of it. My belief is the motor-cars, &., &c. Young Lady. It would have been rippin’ if the weather hadn’t been so awful. I biked as far as Croydon. I’m awfully keen now on ridin’ in a motor-car, &c., &c. Infant (in a legal sense). I say, you fellows, private ms ain’t in it. I’ve just ordered ‘a motor. Take Tortie DE ERE down to Brighton. Rippin’ lark! Never told the beastly counter-jumper how old I was. And he can’t get anything out of the guvnor. Some bally old judge said = is a “necessary,” but motor-cars, : Infant (in every sense). Boo-hoo! Don’t like dolly. Don’t like Nana. Naughty Nana. Me want dada give me a moo-car Cabman. Wot I arsts is, wot am I a- goin’ ter do with my bloomin’ oss? If these ’ere motor-cars, &c., &c. Doctor. How about Jonzgs and his pair now? Awful sell for him! Wonder how soon I can leave off jobbing some old screw, and start a motor-car, &., &. Undertaker. A henterprisin’ firm must move with the times. Must see about had- vertisin’ my “ Gothic Glass-panelled Necro- olitan Motor-car, Registered.” That ’!! etch ’em, “Gothic” ways does, and now these motor-cars, &c., &c. SPORTIVE SONGS, | An unhappy Swain compares himself toa Candle of ordinary fabrication, and draws a comparison. Sarp the candle to the match, “Tam waiting. If you flash, I cannot catch, Still I’m waiting. When you lightly look on me, I reply with sympathy. But I’m waiting, waiting, waiting! ” Said the candle to the match, “T am weary. You once promised me despatch ; But I’m weary. I am longing for the flame That sh aeaee your other name. But I’m weary, weary, weary!” Said the candle to the match, “T am hoping; berg no a do I catch, Still I’m hoping. In the darkness of the night, Tho’ there comes no sign of light, I am hoping, hoping, hoping!” Said the candle to the match, “Tt is morning. Lo! the swallow quits the thatch In the morning. You have never been to me As you promised you would be ’Fore the morning, morning, morn- ing. “I’m the candle in the vale, Oh, my darling! And my love can never pale, Oh, my g! But I’d dearly love to know Weg, at lamp had such a glow en you touched it, darling, dar- L. C.C, AS PLAIN AS A BC. First Citizen meets Second Citizen. They exchange greetings. First Citizen. I say, aren’t you on the London County Council ? Second Citizen. I have that distinguished honour. First C. Then what’s all this to-do in the Works Department ? Second C. ere has been grave irre- gularity, which is being promptly reme- died. First C. Yes, I read that in the news- papers. But what does it all mean? Secend C. That the jobs undertaken by | the Council were more expensive than they would have been had they been en- | trusted to outside contractcrs. First C. How did that happen ? Second C. By ignoring the current prices of the labour market. First C. And where did “ the grave irre- | gularity” enter? Second C. In the preparation of the ac- counts. The were undoubtedly cooked and served up with sauce. First C. Indeed; and was it any par- ticular sauce ? Second OC. No, general sauce; or, to be more explicit, “ Progressive Sauce.” First C. And yet there was some talk of “ profits.” Second C. A misnomer. The “ profit” was the difference between the actual cost and an exaggerated over-estimate. First C. a disguised loss ? Second C. Quite so, but the first name is prettier than the second. irst C. And when will the ratepayer fully realize this disguised loss ? Second OC. When he receives his next note of assessment. ling!” en the “ profit” was merely | | | ee eae een ae

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PUNCH, OR LONDON CHARIVARI. —_——_ [Novemper 28, 1896, HINTS FROM OUR INVENTOR’S NOTE-BOOK. PATENT CONVERTIBLE KNIFE-GRINDING SAFETY, DARBY JONES AT DERBY. Honovurep Sir,—It has often puzzled me why the Midland Railway Company should have its headquarters at the town which for so many years was associated with the political fame of Mr. Samvue. Purmmso.ii, Sir Wittiam Vernon Harcovrt and Sir Tuomas Roe—the latter an emi- nent authority on soft sawdust. We Lon- doners, who gaze with awe on the wide- spreading span of St. Pancras Station, frequently forget that the directors, who see no medium between First and Third- class passengers, issue all their edicts from a place whence both the Lord of Knows- ney and the Blue Ribbon of the Turf derive their appellations. I confess that I like Derby, quite apart from racing or railway reminiscences. There is a certain air of “Tread on my toes and I’ll walk on yours” about the inbebitants. They don’t hesitate in their method, they do it, as I know to my cost, after inadvertently com- ing in contact with a citizen whose feet were considerably larger in space than thet accorded to most of the Queen’s subjects. His language corresponded with his weight carriers. It was very heavy and broad, and I am still dependent on a couple of walk- ing-sticks. Nevertheless, I like Derby, and it was in honour of Sir Water Scott and the late Lord Tennyson that I placed my humble “ fiver” on Northern Farmer for the Chesterfield Nursery Stakes, not a | bad solution where no less than a score of | two-year-olds were engaged. Albeit, Iam strongly averse from this kind of race at the close of the season. Young quadru- peds ought in November to be housed for the winter. Many a promising four-footed performer have I known ruined for life by | appearing in public at a time when sensi- ble bipeds are preparing to wing their cus- tomary flight to Monte Carlo or Algiers. And surely babies, be they colt or filly, require a little nursing? I notice, hon- oured Sir, that you (in addition to other superfluous and crude remarks) inquire “ Who is the Lovely Lady?” Iregret that, consistently with Honour and High Prin- ciples, such as have always, I trust, been my Goals in Life, I cannot satisfy your extravagant curiosity as to the Divinity, and was truly inspired by the Blessing of Prophecy at Liverpool. Suffice it to say that she is fair as an Oleander in the south of France, wise as a rattlesnake of far-distant Florida, and as sagacious as the pig, which, I understand, discovers the lus- cious truffle for the wanderer interested in the manufacture of Strasburg pies. I must therefore ask you, with all deference to your high status, not to seek to reveal the identity of the Lovely Lady. © Your in- discretion in alluding to her has, despite my crippled state, compelled the acquaint- ance of a Supple Ash plant with the shoulders of an Imprudent Baronet. As they say in the classics, “a little know- ledge often makes a dangerous sting.” Therefore, as Mr. Jonn Hawke, the in- dustrious secretary of the Anti-Gambling to be over curious. “ Herewith I drop the subject,” as the Barbary Ape said when he handled the over-roasted potato. second to none. How it has gladdened my heart to watch you surreptitiously hover- ing about TaTrersa..’s ing to get a better price about your pet fancy than the market justified! I believe that you even shaved on one occasion in | order to accomplish your object. | about a small field. The Epi-cure may odds upset, The Dale make Chat look small ; A Relgian rirer don’t forget, While Anne may beat them all. I indite the above with the winner of the | Derby Cup before my visionary organs. | I doubt not that you were delighted with | the special wire which I sent you an- nouncing beforehand the victory of La | Sagesse. It was a Christmas present in ad- | vance from Your delighted adviser, Dansy Jones. [Danny Jones’s absurd remarks with regard to | “* the Lovely Lady’’ and our presence at race meet - | ings are beneath contempt, and, from a letter just received, we understand that his encounter with the baronet was far from satisfactory to him. We had no special wire.—Ep.] WEsTMINSTER wants to be a Of course the first mayor will minster “ Labby.” | Say P) | been our prevogstive ever since the world League, knows to his cost, it is dangerous | Like | NaNsEN to the Pole, I now turn to those | items in which I know you, Sir, despite | your feigned callousness, have an interest | ing, endeavour- | With | | the Manchester Handicap in view I cl.ortle | IN THE MIDLANDS. Dear Mr. Puncn,—Will you, like the dear old darling that you are, please tell some of the gentlemen who hunt with us that we are not all New Women. It is very well for Lady Henry Somenrser to talk about the equality of the sexes, but I frankly confess that I like a lead from one of the others. Also, when I get a “spill,” as I did the other day, I don’t appreciate being left for dead. I really think that the “Manners of Modern Men” would make just as good a subject for discussion in the newspapers as the ways of children. I know that certain of my sisters, who never took anything higher than the plat- form at St. James’s Hall, are responsible for the inattention which we now receive ; but, believe me, we, who are (what shall I “Tuberal Unionists?” like to be shown that courteous attention which has began with the deception of Woman. We don’t mind being hurt, but we do hate be- ing crushed by neglect. I also know that a great many selfish men dislike our hunt- ing at all. Why, we are born huntresses as our mothers were before us! And when we have run our prey to a satisfactory finish, we treat him with tenderness and often with affection. Only let the young cavaliers not neglect their opportunities. Personally I don’t care much about a gat» being ovened, but several of my friends do. They likewise want to be fished out of a brook. Therefore, dear Mr. Punch, ask these sportsmen to remember that the old (I mean metaphorically) Woman still ex- ists, and oblige Your constant admirer, Diana Bunirinen. Melton Mowbray, November 23. English as She is Wrote. Notice. This road is private. Persons trespassing will be, Prosecuted in consequence of wilful, damage having been done with dogs and otherways. By Ornver. Tue above is not a specimen of Chinese | punctuation, but the exact copy of a no- | tice-board in Sussex. tion. | TH® peLicnt or Massa Bonks ON HEARING West- | Kino MENELEK GUARANTEES “ THE ”y THAT ABSOLUTE INDEPENDENCE OF ETHIOPIA

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 28, 1896. aF *. LIQUEUR OF THE * H E RA iC * Oy ees wee te C4 fess: how be had of all the ri in Wine and Spirit Merchants toro the Kingdom. Sele Consignee, Norsz Papen, 5 ls. Court relopes, } ls. > al Thin, for Fore! 5 Quires, 1s. Mourning Note, 5 Quires, Mourning mote kok 64. per 100. - Ms eee ory Creuenes revere, Teuton, 8.0 Street, London, a Of all Stationers, or sc aoe lo Mieratica Works, @8, Upper Thame Lo GOLD es 7X p ENT A” 5y| SMOKE THE CELEBRATED francs “PIONEER” @sxersx THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT The Best Liqueur WATER. SWEETENED TOBACCO, Of all Chemists and Mineral FRERES’ Water Dealers. |ioowe ALL OVER THE WORLD. FIRST QUALITY | Prices: 6d., Is., and 1s. 3d. per bottle. Soacpaditines, on dine CHAMPAGHE. RICHMOND CAVENDISH WELCOME ALWAYS, COLT'S NEW | KEEP IT HANDY, DOUBLE- Co., Lro., GRANT'S MORELLA ACTION 32 CAL. AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL Practising CHERRY BRANDY. POCKET REVOLVER ~ DELICIOUS—COMFORTING. sae paket wi fee latest And retailed by all first-class Ark for GRANTS, snd don't be put off with eee Po ne oe a , “a Leicuka Price | Sra es glist, pe, COLT 8, FIRE tobacconists at home and abroad. for Lacics, Attendant ROSBAGH THE BEST TABLE WATER IN THE WORLD. “THREE CASTLES” CIGARETTES, | S©2 SO” ‘i Mild and Fragrant. Manufactured from the Finest Selected Growths of Virzinis. MATELH ho sD SKATE to onable any ne wh it acte had on a pair of skate ms to alta Tra ‘- RADE mar ficiency, and be able to skate on the roads at y - \. Z f i a fi = - = a speed up to 16 miles an hour 4 z =f ‘ === CAN BE #BEN AND TRIED AT THE 4 = = SKATE Co.'s sHow rooms, 271, Oxford Street, w. ANISEED. AO ke wee BORWICK 5 At a } ’ poet For COUGHS, ASTHMA, BRONCHITIS, &c. : Sold by Chem iste throughout the world. Ke aay should be without it. 8, Keral, Roberts, H ‘ » ekalan on Kode” acca ae ] : am, San 01 Prepared ¥ H World. i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i ‘ 4 4 4 only by THOMAS POWELL, Blackfriars Road, Lonion. ’ GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. | | ; prs | b ae is Tac Laat east For ACIDITY or rae STOMACH, HEARTBURN, =a ior tin@ing ares or foded HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. : , airs Rutty ie invaluable | Sold throughout the World. f i — it | , SY. rit ae » PERFUME. Always Rofreshi: * “~* and fone PRICE — ls. | 2s. 64d., and 10s. per so bettie. Goddard's THE ‘ THREE ‘GASTLES ” . “TOBACCO, par estes J Name and Trade Mark on Labe' Plate f owder Od df Ee apecielay efagtes trv gece, pe TO BE map eh & tty — MEDIUM STREWN AND CO. 4 ( Label), strongly recommended for Pipe et 2 BON MERCURIAL Article for’ Cleaning’ Sitver, Both kinds are sold in 107, and 2-08, Square Packets, and §-Ub. Patent Air-Tight 7.00. A wt ® r MOVEMOEN & SONS, saeco Fite, $e.0 Sik Be eee ed cede Ot. W. D. & H. O. WILLS, Limited, BRISTOL and LONDON. =

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemnen 28, 1896.

| COLO MEDAL, J, — “Retained when Health Exhibition, te O D all other foods are | sendon. : ‘For Tienes rejected. It is in- “ Benger’ Food : . . le.” haa by its ate llence \nval ids and the Aged ee ———“‘=; _ —— established a reputa- F tion of its own.’ Brit. Med. Journ. e- Benger’s

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9) THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. 66 Under the absolute control of the Royal Hungarian Chemical Institute (Ministry of Agriculture), Buda Pest. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices 6d., 18., and 1s. 3d. per bottle. SOLE IMPORTERS: Se LIMITED, LONDON. N® 28! VOLUME —+— DECEMBER 5, : Sees rer Vv oLAIY. 4 pS LL re Ms py fa) Kf aN AEA | agi ; PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, CTtinecod (ag aT" ys Ind LONDON. CADBURY'S COCOA “ Represents the Standard of highest purity at present attainable in Cocoa.’ ’—Tue Lancet. ary Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper PRICE THREE PENCE in no case be returned, no exception description. will e will be thay ais ruie or Pictures of any — To th Cover Ope ted Matter, Drawings Enve E.DVeL MS.. Prin ns, whether mped and Addressed a Sta a oy unications or Contributio even when accompanie Bot 6a” NOTICE.— Rejected Comm

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDUN CHARIVARI.—Decempezr 5, 1896. The WICKS ROTARY TYPE-CASTING MACHINE A Creat Epoch in the History of Letterpress Printing. Finished Types produced at the rate of from 40,000 to 60,000 per hour, or twenty times as fast as heretofore. THE TIMES, November 19th, 1896. ‘It is claimed for the type-casting machine which Mr. Frederick Wicks, after many years of experiment, has now produced in a practicable | form, that it can make types so cheaply that printers will find it more economical to use them once and then melt them down than | to distribute them and print from them time after time. The principle upon which it is constructed is very simple. In a horizontal | wheel or disc are cut a number of channels, running from the periphery to the centre, each being the size of the body of the type) which it has to mould. In these channels move pistons, each having a matrix struck on the end nearest the periphery of the wheel. The latter revolves in front of a pin-hole nozzle through which molten type-metal is forced at considerable pressure by powerful pumps, | and thus each channel, as it passes the jet, is filled with a column of metal impressed at the inside end with the letter corresponding to the | matrix struck on the piston. The formed type, which is provided with nicks on the base and edge, has now to be ejected from its mould. This is automaticwlly effected by the revolution of the wheel, by which the inner end of the piston is brought into contact with a cam | whereby it is pressed forward and gradually pashes the type out of the mould into a channel cut on the link of an endless chain | which moves with the wheel. On this chain the type is carried along until it is deposited on a long narrow strip of steel. The | succeeding types in turn undergo the same process until there is a long row of them lying side by side in the same order | as that in which the matrices are arranged in the wheel. At each complete revolution of the latter the row is removed and stood vertically on a@ table, and it is obvious that, since the types in each row are in the same order, lines of identical letters will be obtained on the table, whence they can be taken up and delivered to ths compositors’ cases or the composing machine. After the type has left the wheel the piston is drawn back to its former position and the mould is ready to be used again. Each piston with its attached matrix is easily removable, and can in a few seconds be changed for any other corresponding to a type with the same size of body. The wheel, which is hollow and kept cool by a constant circulation of cold water, contains 100 matrices, and therefore produces 100 types at each revolution. Thus, when it is making eight revolutions a minute the capacity of the machine is nearly half a million types per day of ten hours, and it is stated that by increasing the power of-the pumps an even greater output could be obtained. How great an advance the machine thus marks in the art of type-casting may be inferred from the fact that the usual speed of the type-casting machines generally employed is about 60 a minute.” THE MORNING POST, November 18th, 1896. ‘*The change which will be brought about by its general use can only be compared in the history of printing with the revolution produced by the renunciation of the old hand-press in favour of the steam printing machine. It is known as ‘ Wicks’ Rotary Type-casting Machine,’ and the prospect held out to the printer is that by means of it he will find it far more economical to use type once only, and to melt it down and recast it for subsequent use, and so eliminate from his wages-sheet the present considerable item for distribution. The important feature of the machine lies in the fact that the matrices in which the type is cast are disposed round the edge of a wheel revolving | horizontally, and that type cooled and ranged in line ready for use can be delivered at the rate of about 50,000 stamps an hour. Each revolution of the wheel produces a fount of type so arranged that the sorting for the purposes of any composing machine already in use or for a machine also invented by Mr. Wicks, and particularly adapted to them, becomes a matter of simplicity. These new machines differ materially from type-casting and composing machines at present in the market in the important respect that they combine the advantages «| the rapid and cheap production of type and the saving of the cost of distribution with those at present derived from the use of separate letters.” | Reports have been made by Professor Silvanus P. Thompson, F.R.S8., by Mr. Thomas Middleton, of the well-known Firm of | Printers’ Engineers of the same name, and by Mr. John Imray, of Messrs. Abel and Imray, Consulting Engineers and Chartered Patent | Agents, the last of whom has also reported on the validity of the Patents. Copies of these Reports will be found inserted in the Prospectus. The Prospectus of the Wicks Rotary Type-Casting Machine will be shortly issued to the public.

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acticable | vn than | orizontal | the type | > wheel. pumps, ig to the mould. | @ cam | 3 dia | l. The » order tically | btained 16 type | ttached : wheel, lution. of ten reat an achines

December 5, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 265

SIGNS OF THE TIMES IN THE LOWTHER ARCADE.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, _ Reapine Sentimental Tommy, Mr. Barrie’s last book, pub- lished by Casseiy, there have been recurrent moments when my Baronite has doubted whether the story might not be more aptly entitled. Tiresome Tommy more precisely describes the prodigy through a quite unreasonable number of pages. The Jacobite rising, the siege of Thrums, and one or two other chapters of ponderously precise fantasy, is, to tell the unvar- nished truth, almost eno to make one of the most apprecia- tive and faithful of Mr. Barriz’s admirers lay down the un- finished book. But here and there, shining through this dog- gerel of narrative, like threads of gold in a mass of sacking, are episodes of humour and pathos which testify that the Window in rums is not yet built up. Of such are Hogmanay kept in a London slum, and the home-taking of Grizel by the old doctor. The strongest writing is at the beginning, setting forth the life and death of Tommy’s mother, wherein appears the beautiful and pathetic Hogmanay incident. Mr. Barrie is ludicrously in love with Sentimental Tommy, whereas far away the best charac- ter in the book is Grizel. _A delightful quality about Rodney Stone (Smitn, Exper) is its lilting “go.” There is not a dull e in it from first to last. All is light, colour, movement, blended and inspired by a master hand. hen my Baronite read the fight in the coach-house he thought it one of the most breathless exercises he had ever taken, book in hand. So it was till some chapters later he came upon the narrative of the smith’s last battle. Like the first, it was, alack! a prize fight. Told by Conan Doyzz, the sub- ject is ennobled till it becomes quite as respectable and far more stirring than a set-to between Satapin and Ricnarp Caur DE Lion. Embroidered on the story are picturesque scenes of life in the time of Gzorcz THe Fourtn, reproduced with amazing vividness. It seems so easily done. But as Dr. Conan Doyie indicates in a preface, a considerable emount of study preceded the undertaking. Amongst the authorities to whom he avows his indebtedness for information upon the subject of the ring is Mr. J. C. Parkinson. My Baronite knew that “J. C. P.” was, amongst other things, a bard, accustomed to inaugurate | Eisteddfoddau arrayed in becoming Druidical costume. But he never knew he was an accepted authority on ring matters. Which shows how little the world knows of its greatest men. Henry James is indifferent Anthony Trollopeian and second- | class Meredithian. The Judicious Skipper will find plenty | of exercise for his literary athletics in both volumes." “Oh, my dear man!” “Oh, my dear woman!” all these con- | versationalists say to one another for pages and poses and we | “don’t get no furrader.” Paul Vidal is a kind o flabby re- incarnation of Mr. Toots, with the latter’s “it’s of no conse- | quence.” In this story nobody is of any particular conse- quence, and dolls, and cake, and tea, and small talk, go on hum- * By the way, before the Baron took supreme charge of this office in Mr. | Punch’s establishment, it was held for years by a certain ‘‘ Skipper and his boy,”’ neither of whom was ever dismissed, as Mr. P. never gives the congé to any tried and valued servant. Sothe Skipper and his boy are still retained | on the staff. Judge, then, of the Baron’s surprise on seeing that this ever- green veteran’s style and title had been appropriated by an illustrated paper, which regularl produces a column of review purporting to be from “the Skipper.’ ell, every vessel has its own “‘ skipper,” but Mr. Punch’s skipper was the first in this line, and any other skipper may be ‘‘ a Skipper,’’ but he is not “ the Ski ” who first < puepaiated and secured the right to | the title with the definite article prefixed. ,

VOL. CXI. A | theory of how that cackling hen of old travelled To tell t ' Blagueur. drummingly ; and young ladies ask young gentlemen to sit down | beside them and talk, and they do talk and talk; and only once is there a dramatic situation. T'ony, the drowned child’s father, howls and breaks into a storm of sob Rose, “ with a passionate wail,” throws herself on the grass; the doctor “looks from one prostrate figure to the other,” as well he may, and curtain de- scends on end of Book Second. Then Book Third: more dreary dialogue. And when the secret is revealed the question must occur, Was it worth going through so much to learn so little ? Yet, Henry James is a favourite with reviewers and readers of the very superior sort. From the Aldine Press Messrs. Dent & Co. have already sent forth the first of The Temple Classics, edited by Isnar. Gotianoz, M.A., consisting of a neat, handy-shaped book, con- taining Wittiam Worpswortn’s Prelude. ‘The poet became a Johnian Undergraduate at Cambridge in 1787, being then just seventeen years of age. Young men went up a year or so earlier in those days than they do now; yet do his notes show

that, in spite of many alterations, there is really very little | change in the ancient University within the last hundred years since WorDswortH caught his first “ glimpse of Cam,” ** And at the ‘ Hoop ’ alighted, famous inn.’’ Then the youthful poet’s account of the “ motley spectacle ” : - ‘* Gowns grave, or gaudy, doctors, students, streets, Courts, cloisters, flocks of churches, gateways, towers.’’ And how pleased he was ‘‘ With invitations, suppers, wine and fruit, Smooth housekeeping within, and all without Liberal and suiting gentleman’s array.” A light on academical ways in the past, on the banks of the Cam, and a link with the present, this handy volume, with useful silken marker sewn in, is a pleasure and a treasure. ; The Missing Prince, by G. E. Farrow (Hutonson & Co.). An extra special sort of fairy nightmare, likely to visit any youthful dreamer of dreams when retiring to bed with their ideas somewhat mixed. It ought to fascinate the esthetic taste of cultured nursery folk. Mr. Harry Furniss and his daughter | DorotHy comically and daintily illustrate the book. For quite little people Suemta E. Braine has worked , hy new e King the Sky was Falling. Molly and Maz, who follow in her claw prints, come across many ancient acquaintances only to be met with in the happy hunting-ground of Fairyland. Delightful illustrations by Atace Woopwarp complete the story, which is on the catalogue of Bracke & Sons. (Signed) At a West-end Club. Hospitable Southerner (to Scottish guest). Have another go of whiskey Scottish Guest (with a sigh). I thank Tue Baron anv nia Boys.

e. No. Hospitable Southerner (astonished). Wirat | Why surely it’s | not a case of “the wee drappie i’ the ee”? | Scottish Guest. Nae, mon, it’s no that; it’s the wee drappee i’ the glass, (H. 8. takes hint and orders a tumbler of whiskey. Onty a Lirrix Lonogn Trttz.—The Gil Blas says that all Europe will shortly demand the Evacuation of Eeypt by the English. The name of the paper should be changed to the Gil

A

Se tee ae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[December 5, 1896.

| — = 9 == Ips ———— ae TIN Tae i, I a See ’ N

po aA \ \\ \\\ Pretoria. «1 to the release of Dr. Jamgson.’’—From sonally is not oppose - nor will the most exacting of his enemies complain 1f he is released, for reasons SIBLE TO BE TAKEN FREELY!” ».)] 1 his life —— DR. PUNCH’S PRESCRIPTION FOR DR. JIM. or, and savec **T am in a position to state that President KRUGER per ‘* PLENTY OF FRESH AIR AND AS MUCH EXERCISE AS POS 28. feel sure will be lamented in the Transvaal as much as in this country . . . ———— Dr. Punel (Dr. JAMESON was President KruGer’s doct position we iration of his sentence.” —Standard, November Daily Telegraph, November 28. Zz a 4 “a ¢ £2 cad =e - 2 oa es Ze << mee? _ = se - = cue o = ~ °o

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—————————— — From Pretoria. ” Ce See SEE POrsOnaly is not opposed to the release of Dr. Jameson ££ December 5, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - ‘ ~ rd 0 ((” \\ rye — aN F 4 ] Sh") RO | By ee "7 Noo ANNOY a Ry Pail Sah Tn. SOT ¥ Nite 7 | ; oie f a ALAND |e - A CONVINCING TEST. Youth (on Pony). ‘‘Come on, Gran’pa! It’s SAvE ENOUGH. Bore Us EASILY!” | Welcome Guest. But where were the learned literary or dra- CURIOUS SIMILARITY. | matic critics when book or play came out? Where was Moses when the candle went out ? Yours, Dear Mr. Puncn,—The plot of Under the Red Robe, HawksHaw tHE Derective or A Pror. at the Haymarket, is as follows:—A_ spendthrift com- a ee mits a crime which brings him into the power of a great | 3 rose tee. His life is offered to him on the con- | LINES | dition that he goe; to the frontier to bring back to Paris a man | eatetheiidd tu the Member ter Bark , Visitors’ Book of a Welsh Inn. hateful to the and that'be If he does not do this his fate is | Contributed by the Member for Sark a Serie D . | the seaffold. The spendthrift accepts the hateful mission. He | In some hotels that I’ve been at, goes to the frontier, and falls in love with the sister of the man he I’ve seen a busy fuss-creator, is bound to betray. In the nick of time he repents, and returns to | Who, running here and running there, ote Paris ready - fortes: ead 7 net ooen of his osion « Quick answered to the call of “ Waiter! performed. e is followed by the woman he loves. But thanks . to a shuffle of the cards of fate, the man who can crush him A byes mtn yp mn hone pera, later ceases to be powerful, and all ends happily. 1th 7 this hotel ‘ R capital idea, but I apne agate — ? before. ew, apent You siete ball this. Figure to yourself a instead of a man. ‘This lady is k 4 . also a spendthrift. She has fallen into the power of Fouché And then yourself ome the waiter. while devoted to the gaming table. At the right moment she is| ('rieylledwlmychwrmtyl, November. | told that she must lure back to Paris a man hateful to the powers | iain | that be. If she does not—exposure. She accepts the hateful | a She ollows the man to t frontier and falls in love with At a County Ball. | him. Inthe nick of time repents and returns to Paris, ready | Pa Ss orton (who has just been presented to Friiulein to pay the sacrifice of her mission unperformed. She is followed 8. ne Ragas “a inoatia from the Fatherland). May | | by the man she loves. But thanks to a shuffle of the cards of | have the honour of the next Lancers ? fate, the man who can crush her ceases to be powerful, and all | Fréulein (who does not understand). I not comprehend. ends happily. ~ S. (struck with a brilliant inspiration). I mean, shall Are not these plots very similar? One is the story of Under do the Uhians together ? Comprennay ? the Red Robe, the other the story of Plot and Passion. They ~ pter [Leaves the Fraulein more amazed than ever. both concern France, but one is a century or so earlier than the | other. Richelieu, in Under the Red Robe, finds a counterpart in | = the Fouché of Plot and Passion. Then Marie de Fontanges— | “Here’s (De 1a) Rue (& Oo) ie you,” with a new game spendthrift and gambler—has her double in Gil de Berault, spend- | called “Homo.” Poor Homo! is is not the first time he’s thrift and duellist. Both are reckless ; with their sense of honour | been considered as fair game. And this game is, of course, quite once so keen now so blunted. Both are turned from their pur-|;)-. ond not unlike the fascinating “ Halma.” Well, something pose of betrayal to accept their doom by the power of love. ? t be invented for the game season. Another ipaineidence : both Under the Red Robe and Plot and | "°¥ ™* nets ‘assion before realisation on boards put in an appearance in : ” i . The latter was published a ger called The| Very Like A Wevier.—“ Great defeat of the rebels in Cuba. (Ur. JAMESON was President KruGer’s doctor, and s: — ee eee Pres AV OVETIOUET

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268 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | DecempBer 5, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Banoo Hurry Bunesno JAsnenser, B.A.) No. XXIX. Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow v. Jabberjee. Mr. Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence. Queen’s Bench Court, No. 2.40 P.M. - ! Have just resumed my seat after a rather searching examina- tion of Madam ManKLetow, as will appear from the notes of her evidence kindly taken by my solicitor :— My Sortcrror’s sarp Nores. Mrs. MartHa Mankietow (formidable old part 1 bugles and bombazine). Would certainly describe her establishment as fashionable and select. All her male boarders perfect gentlemen except defendant. Was never anxious to secure him for her daughter—on the contrary, would have much preferred her son- in-law white. Gave her consent because of the passionate attach- ment he professed for plaintiff. Nothing to her whether he was of mated rank or not. He appeared to be very well able to support her daughter, which was the chief thing. Had never threatened defendant with personal chastisement from other boarders if he denied any engagement. Did say that if he meant nothing serious after all the marked attentions he had paid the ==> ee ee Mr. Justice Honeygall. ra, he deserved to be cut dead by all the gentlemen in the nouse. Insisted on the engagement being made public at once ; thought it her bounden duty to do so. Did not know whether defendant. was married already, or how many wives he was en- titled to in his own country—he had taken good care not to say anything about all that when he proposed. Did not consider him a desirable match, and never had done, but thought he ought to be made to pay heavily for his heartless behaviour to her poor unprotected child, who would never get over the slight of being jilted by a black man. Here I sat down, amidst suppressed murmurs from the Court of indignation and sympathy at such gross unmannerly insults to a highly-educated Indian University man and qualified native barrister. 3.15.—More witnesses for plaintiff, viz., Miss Spink and sundry select boarders, who have testified to my courtship and the notoriety of my engagement. Seeing that they were predeter- mined not to answer favourably to myself, I tore a leaf out of Mister WiTHERINGTON’s book, and said that I had no questions to ask. ... The plaintiff's junior has just sat down, with the announcement that that is his case. I am now to turn the tables by dint of rhetorical loquacity. . . . The annexed report, though sadly meagre, and doing very scanty justice to the occasion, is furnished by my friend young Howarp, who was present in Court at the time. Jab. (in a kind of sing-song). May it please your venerable Lordship and respectable gentlemen of the jury, I am in the very similar predicam »nt of another celebrated native gentleman and well-known character in the dramatic works of your immortal littérateur Poet Suaxsprare. I allude to Ornetto on the occa- sion of his pleading before the Duke and other potent, grave, and reverent signiors of Venice, in a speech which I shall com- mence by quoting in full—_— Mr. Justice Honeygall. One moment, Mr. Jaspersez, I am always reluctant to interfere with Counsel, but it may save my time and that of the jury if I remind you that the iliustration you propose to give us is hardly as happy as it might be. The head and front of Orue..o’s offending, unless I am mistaken, was that he had married the lady of fils affections, whereas in your case—— oquence if I am to be inter- that I can exhibit even ordinary e The story of rupted by far-fetched and frivolous objections. OTHELLO—— Mr. Justice H. What the jury want to hear is not Ornetio0’s story, but yours, Sir, and your proper course is to go into the witness-box at once, and give your version of the facts as simply and straightforwardly as you can. When you have given you: own evidence and called any witnesses you may wish to call, you will have an opportunity of addressing the jury, and exhibiting the eloquence on which you apparently place so much reliance. (Here poor old Jan bundles off to the witness-box, and takes some out- landish oath or other with immense gusto, after which he starts telling the Jury a long rambling rigmarole, and is awfully riled when the old Judge pulls him up, which he does about every other minute, This is the sort of thing that goes on :— and no Leviathan of valour—— The Judge. Not so fast, Sir, not so fast. Follow my pen. I’ve not got down half what you said before that. (Reads labori- ously from his notes.) “In panicstricken apprehension of being severely assaulted a posteriori.” Who do you say threatened to assault you in that manner—the plaintiff’s mother? Jab. I have already had the that I was utterly intimidated by the savage tiff's mother that, unless I consented to Fe she would suinmon certain able-bodied athletic boarders to batter and kick my unprotected person, and consequently, not being a Leviathan— The Judge. No one has ever suggested that you are an animal of that description, Sir. Have the goodness to keep to the point. (Reads as he writes.) “I was so intimidated by threats of plaintiff’s mother that she would have me severely kicked by third parties if I refused, that I consented to become engaged to plaintiff.” Is that what you say? Jab. (beaming). Your lordship’s acute intellect has compre- hended my pons asinorum with great intelligence. The Judge (looking at him under his spectacles). Umph! Well, goon. What next [So old JAB goes on gassing away, at such a deuce of a rate that the Judge gives up all idea of taking notes, and sits staring at JAB in resigned disgust. (It was spell-bownd attentiveness.—H. B. J.) JAB WILL spout and won’? keep to the point ; but, all the same, I fancy, some how, he’s getting rownd the Jury. He's such a jolly, innocent kind of old ass, and they like him because he’s no end of sport. The plaintiff's a devilish fine girl, and gave her evidence wncommonly well ; but, unless WITHERINGTON turns up again, I believe old Jar. will romp in a winner, after all! I haven't taken down anything else, except his wind-up, when of course he managed to get in a speech. threats of the plain- Jab. Believe me, gentlemen of the jury, this is simply the barefaced attempt to bleed and mulct a poor impecunious Indian. For it is incredible that any English female, of genteel upbring- ings and the lovely and beauteous appearance which you have all beheld in this box, it is incredible, I say, that she should seriously desire to become a mere unconsidered unit in a bevy of Indian brides! How is she possibly to endure a domestic ex- istence exposed to the slings and arrows of perpetual snip-snaps from various native aunts and sisters-in-law, or how is she to reconcile her dainty and fastidious stomach after the luscious and appetising fare of a Bayswater boarding-house, to simple, un- ostentatious, and frequently repulsive Indian eatables? No, Misters of the jury, as warm-hearted noble-minded English gentlemen, you will never condemn an unfortunate and industri- ous native graduate and barrister to make a cripple of his career, and burden his friends and his families with such a bone of con- tention as a European better half, who will infallibly ce e him into the pretty pickle of innumerable family jars! 1 now vacate the witness-box in favour of my intimate friend and fatherly benefactor, Hon’ble Sir Coetwynp CUMMERBUND, who will tell you 3 The Judge (rising). Before we have the pleasure of seeing Sir Currwynp here, Mr. Jasperser, there is a little formality you appear to have overlooked. The plaintiff's counsel wi probably wish befere you leave the box to put a few questions Jab. At this, Misters of the Jury, I, being but a pusillanimous | Jab. (plaintively). Your lentil, it is not humanly possible | onour to inform your lordship | come the betrothed, |

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ar | he is

| already the established favourite and chartered libertine of the | mination ef the hearing to-day, I beheld her so deeply engrossed | in smiling and cordial converse with the smartly-attired curly- ! DARBY JONES ON TURF TOPICS—ESPECIALLY BELCIAN. | Argus-like ey

December 5, 1896.] PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

to you in cross-examination, and that must stand over till to- morrow. (At this, old Jab’s jaw falls several holes.) Norse sy Mr. Jassersee.—Hereford Road, Bayswater.—I am excessively gratified by the result of my first day’s trial, being whole Court, who split their sides at my slightest utterances. So I am no longer immeasurably alarmed by the prospect of being crossly examined—especially since Witaertneron, Q.C., has abandoned his brief in despair to a tongue-tied junior, who is in- competent to exclaim Bo! at a goose. Indeed, I have some thoughts of declining haughtily to be interrogated by a mere underling. The only fly in the ointment of my success is the utter in- difference of Jesstmmna to my aforesaid triumphs. At the ter- headed young solicitor who is acting on her behalf that she was totally unconscious of my vicinity! Alackaday! varium et mutabile semper feemina!

Honovrep Sr1r,—It ma rhaps have escaped even your es that the Belgian Government, with a fatherly care, which would not di Mr. Joun Mortey or Sir Wi1- rRID Lawson, is about to bring in a Measure for the Regulation of Betting, and, I may add, of Touts and Turf Prophets. Should this Bill become law, speculation on all Foreign Races will be pro- hibited, and wagering only permitted on Home Events. Thus the British Exile in Brussels will no longer be enabled to back his fancy for the Derby or Leger at the Taverne Anglais or some other home of the Alien, but must invest his francs personally at Greenendal or Spa. It is a magnificent scheme for keeping all the ready money in the country, and it comes well from a <a whose king is ely interested in a plan for converting Ostend into a Northern Monte Carlo, conveniently adjacent to the oof-laden shores of England, whence it is trusted many igeons may be imported in exchange for the rabbits of the ocality. sale of Racing Information will also be prohibited. The Belgian Darsy Jongsss are to have their eyes put out like the wretched singing-birds which, sightless, warble for wagers from the Scheldt to the Meuse, and from the German Ocean to the Prussian frontier, without interference from the authorities. Equally the journals devoted to “le sport” will be forbidden to insert the advertisements of tipsters, so I suppose that our own Eminent Organs of the Turf will be denied sale at the kiosques, or have spaces “blacked out,” after the custom of the Russian Censors of the Press. But this is not all. Racecourses are to be licensed by Govern- ment for betting purposes, the gambling to be carried on only in certain enclosures, one inside and another outside, admission to which will be given on payment of a Premiwm of fifty per cent. on the entrance money! is will be the only profit which race- courses are to derive from turf speculation. I confess that I do not understand the last article of the New Code. Does it mean that gate-money is to be abolished, or what? Like a Member of Parliament at question-time—I pause for a reply. . In The Dodd Family Abroad, honoured Sir, the inimitable wit of Cuartes Lever finds abundant scope for flourishing like a mango-tree in Western Africa over the description of a Belgian racecourse. Racing among les braves Belges was then in its First Childhood. It is now apparently in its Second, so soon does an infant not indigenous to the soil perish when transplanted from the home of its birth. You are aware that I am personally in favour of Licensed Bookmakers authorised by the Jockey Club but my most Utopian ideas never soared to the spectacle o' Government interference. I would suggest to the Belgian au- thorities that only Government Meetings should be allowed, under the supervision of a Ministre du Sport Hippique, that at these gatherings there should be a number of Knights of the Pencil (Chevaliers du Crayon) in Uniform, and decorated ac- cording to their grades, that the Race-cards should be Govern- ment Gazettes, that the Jockeys should be chozen from the Bel- gian Cavalry and ride inUniform, that the Judge should be selected from the Bench of the Palais de Justice, and that the Horses engaged, all bearing a Government Stamp, should only be those hard-working, but not over speedy quadrupeds for which the fair land of Flanders has been celebrated from time immemorial, and which frequently do a little racing between the shafts of a London Omnibus. There is a rock, Sir, off the east coast of the Land of Cakes known as the Bass. It is celebrated as the breeding-place of that handsome fowl called the Solan Goose. It appears to me that Brussels must be the chosen nesting ground of a less well-

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. No. II.

Marrnew Wuire Riptey might put it, to home affairs. I trust that you did well at Warwick. It is useless for you to deny that you care nothing for race-meetings. I could not be deceived in the auqeonenee of a Distinguished Personage, who, although disguised in blue spectacles and a sealskin overcoat ot erless fit, cut me as dead as Exmoor mutton at the entrance to ATTERSALL’8. I bear no malice that you remembered my advice that of all dangerous folk at the end of the season none are comparable to the Hibernian Cohorts. St. Jarlath was bound to annex, bar accidents, the Midland Counties Handicap, and swell the receipts of the whiskey distillers in Dublin and Belfast. There were other ripe plums for those who are about to make Christmas puddings. The Lovely Lady wishes me to say that she has a great admiration for you. Asa Man of Honour I give her message, but warn you that your future conduct will be closely watched by is ever the motto of Yours, sure of his winter provender, D. week.—Eb. ]

Grand Duke Nicuowas of Russia is visiting at Eis-grub.” in the Forties will be Largely consumed in the Nineties. SrasonaBLe BooxstaLt Weicuts.—Christmas Numbers.

favoured bird, the Solon Gander to wit. And now, as Sir

Your devoted, but suspicious adherent, Darsy Jones. P.S.—At Manchester my first constellations were fairly tele- scoped; but I trust everyone backed my Belgian river, like a relation of the Lord Chancellor, for a place. One, two, three, J. [Danny Jones's absurd reference to blue spectacles and a sealskin overcoa is on a par with his statement about the Lovely Lady. We learn that, in- flated with winning a few pounds, he presumed to make advances to the sister of an Irish gentleman, and received the just reward of his impertinence from her indignant relative. This is probably what he tried to gloss over last RatHer AN UNsEASONABLE Prace or Hospitatity.—“ The Erontan.—The best sequel to Mr. Antraur Corerimer’s Eton

aU tae:

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DecemBer 5, 1896 Fg Page GERALD ! MuUMMIE ; a, ibpsph hay bs iw her rth * TOOK, Your FATHER AND CAPTAIN ARMSTKONG ARE GIVING Y Es, ~S y} // 5 Wp I DD) 5 ~~ S ™~ - ELLA A LESSON ON THE BIcycLe.” BUT WHY DOES ELLA ALWAYS FALL OFF ON CAPTAIN ARMSTRONG'S SIDE?’ A VOICE An Old Whip ’Bus-drive Kim urp! Yus, a dirtyish day, Sir, and orkurd for ’osses, it are. lor bleas yer, they ’ll soon alter that ; all along o’ this yere Horter-car! Ho! ho! 1 must larf, if I die for Horte r-car! ’Old urp, old gal! Mare ’s a-sniggling, too, ’anged if she isn’t, my old wheeler, flea-bitten Sal. No wonder! She saw the percession of ile- cans and tea-kettles. Yus; And she, who’s the best bit o’ stuff ever druv in a tuppenny "bus, ‘Itched her whisp of a tail that expressive, it meant ’arf a column, at least! Oh! ’osses can talk with their tails, Sir, pertikler my Sal, ore old beast ! fHE BOX, Motor Movement. | Thai an did one of those wobbly old wotsits a-womiting fumes as it went, a baked-tater can with the staggers “That’s all narsty sour discontent Of an old ’un fair knocked out o’ time.’ That ’s jest wot I’ll be told, I’ve no doubt, And that Harry J. Lawson will chuckle and chortle. All right! It’s his shout ! Going to hire Epsom track for a Motor race! Moses! Wot next, and wot next ? Just imagine a Motor-car Derby!!! Kim urp, Nal! The old mare is vext ; I know by that twitch of her off-ear. She’s fly! Now a ’oss is a thing— Or I should say a crittur, perhaps, seeing t’other word carries a sting— Mark me, mister, wot’s made for a man’s mate, or servant, but. likeways a chum, Hay! Wot do J think o’ them motors? |In a manner o’ speaking. A ’oss, though Ah! now, Sir, you’ve nailed me, you | pheelosophers label it “dumb, » ave. |Can talk more sound sense than some | Think? Well, I’m an aged old crock as spouters in Hyde Park, and Parly- must soon be tuc -ked up in my grave, ment, too. And maybe my opinion ’s3 no matter, but | J’d rayther hear Sal than Kerr Harpre, lor! Sir, if you ’ad been born, Tom MANN, ora pooty good few In a manner 0’ speakin’, In me, in a sta- | Who are certny not ’osses, but hasses. ble; if fodder and ec With ’osses I’ve lived all my life, And the whiff of the treahiy- forked litter | And I’m hanged if I don’t understand ’em came sweet on yer nateral nose far better than chum, kid, or wife. As the smell from a strorberry bed, or the | Wy, flea-bitten Sal ’as ‘got ways as is sniff of a fresh cabbage-rose, better nor patter to me. FROM m the new Like loquitur :— But, it. You ’d know wot I feel when those ile-cans | We intertwig fust rate, we do; and the come snortin’ and fumin’ along. feel of the ribbons, d’yer see, Talk o’ paraffine lamps? Wy, the coster’s | And the swin red naphtha-flames don’t smell more human, strong they are. air human, Sir, that’s wot o’ the whip—well, they’ re | | But a tin o’ petroleum ile, and a , wheel, on a wobbly old car, No reins, and no chink, and no hoof-clack, but only a ghostlyish look, As though the old ’oss was still there, but had somehow got turned to a spook, Seeing as how there’s its place, and it’ s wanted !—Oh lor! it’s uncanny, it is! Come to stay? Well, it may be they are, Sir, but—TI shall ‘not take to the biz! I’m a leetle too old and too set to take on with this motor fal-lal. ane ‘rhaps they may find, arter all, that ne ’oss has its use. Kim urp, Sal! COVENTRY PATMORE. Born Jeriy 23, 1823. Diep Nov. 26, 1896. Porr of Home, and of High Faith, In thy serene, yet fervent, page, For youth is pleasure without scathe, And fireside cheer for mellowing ag? The sensuous taint, the tawdry trope, Uranian Venus may not move; Thine are the higher joys of Hope, The unvenal Victories of Love. The Unknown Eros was thy theme, The raptures of the spirit spouse To him were no elusive dream Who wrote The Angel in the House! At Monte Carlo. First Briton. One never sees any young girls here. Second Briton (brutally inclined). No! the ladies are obliged to be trente et qua- rante to match the tables.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemat ‘ \ \ ‘ \\ ‘\t ‘ \\ XN aA\ ' OY VININAY | 7 VN) iN A \ RN ANY "ae AX Xi i

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DecemBer 5, 189€.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. S Dewbele Ramos & aa CF ARS EST CELARE ARTEM. NEW SPORTING DICTIONARY OF FAMILIAR LATIN PHRASES. ** Apr?s vous, MADEMOISELLE !” BEWARE! Afler Longfellow. this country.] I KNow a System fair to see, Take care! Beware! beware! brown, Take care! Beware ! beware ! She—Speculation—is a “ do,” Take cara! Beware! beware! Trust them not, Take care! Beware! beware! Trust her not, She offers thee a fortune fair ; Take care! Beware! beware! The Yankee “rot” She is gulling thee! PANIES.—“So mote it be!” (A Warning to the Unwise or Unwary Wover of the Modern Witch, Speculation.) {It is said that the system of ‘‘ Trusts,’’ which has wrought so much wrong and corruption in America, is likely to be energetically pushed in It can both false and specious be, “Trusts ” bring “ rot,” They mean fooling thee ! When there’s a “rise,” thou’lt be done And thou’lt pay up when things go down, ! “Trusts” trust not! They may ruin thee! Syndicates say what is not true, Or “bull” or “ bear,” They will diddle thee ! She makes—in coal or cars—a Co., She knows how shams may make a show, She makes fool’s-caps—for thee to wear! She will bring on thee! Scrtaste Toast ror Moror-car Com- CAUSING AN EYE-LIFT. (A Fragment a I Thsen.) He (with bitterness). It was your fault that we lost the child. She (staring at him after tabsng a glass of champagne). How was it my fault? He. You would not attend to him on the boat. She (pleadingly). But he seemed so com- fortable on the paddle-box. He (after a pause). But you would eat and drink. You remember you took six stale sponge cakes, and four ham sand- wiches, and some Bath buns. She (with a curious smile). And a large plate of pork pie. You will not forget the pork pie! He (with a shudder). Yes, you certainly took a great deal of pork pie. And then you drank—— She (eagerly). Yes, what did I drink? He (slowly). You drank two bottles of stout and some sherbet, and a glass of ginger-beer and a tumbler of sherry. She (with erultation). And plenty of champagne! Don’t forget the champagne ! I had plenty of champagne. He (thoughtfully). Yes; you said it was a remedy for sea-sickness, and certainly it was very rough. And then, when you had eaten all this and drunk all that, you lost the child! She. Yes; he fell overboard! He. And you, too, went to the side of the vessel. You put your head facing the water. She (with a shudder). But not to look for the child! (After a_ pause.) But speak no more about it. It’s enough to make one sick! [Last observation carried nem. con. Curtain. Tue CARETAKER OF ALL Men’s Hovses. —Time. OYSTERS. (A Fragment.) Tue Doctor and the Analyst Walked on a mile or so, And then they rested by a bar Conveniently low - And all the little oysters stood And waited, in a row. “The time has come,” the Doctor said, “To ask how there can be At yo or at Cleethorpes, Or Southend on the Sea, Bold, bad bacilli branded by Bacteriology.” “Our characters,” the oysters cried, “Depend upon our chat ; We'd like to prove how good we are, So luscious and so fat. “No hurry!” said the Analyst. They thanked him much for that. “A microscope,” the Dector said, “Ts what we chiefly nead ; Carbolic antiseptic, too, Is very good in : Now if you’re ready, oysters dear, We'll look before we feed.” “But not at us,” the oysters cried, Turning a little green, A tint investigators not Infrequently have seen. “A microscope,” the Doctor said, “Ts such a nice machine.” “Tt was so kind of you to come This matter to decide.” The Analyst said nothing but “T’ve put some on the slide, Just ascertain from what disease We might so soon have died.” “Why, bless my soul,” the Doctor said, “Tt would have done the trick! Just look at all those germs, they ’re quite Enough to make one sick.” The Analyst said nothing but “They are uncommon thick.” “T weep for you,” the Doctor said, “ But I would rather not Partake of you in any form, Not even boiling hot ; No doubt you are not all as bad, But you’re a doubtful lot.” “Oh, Doctors,” said the oysters then, “Tf thus you cut and run, Shall we be trotting home again?” But answer came there none— The learned men had fled, they dared Not eat a single one. THE RESULT OF THE BOARD SCHOOL SYSTEM. Teacher. Why do we rejoice on Christmas Day ? Advanced Pupil (shrilly). ’Cos Witt1aM THe First, surnamed the Conk’ror, was crowned Mo-narch of England on this an- niwersary. [Goes up to top of class. At the Palette Club. First Artist (after the election of the P. R. A.). Well, 1 am surprised! A little bird whispered to me that—— Second Artist (interrupting). Can’t you see that an old Poynter proves where the little bird lies ? Nore sy our Irrerressipix Joker (once more at large). —Could not a broker on Change be correctly described as a “ Va- riety y met "9? ‘eA RIL 8 a i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 5, 1896.

“ x oO Ee o : o — = » mB i - 7. - a) Z > fa ~ 4 < x 4 ~ z om 4. < OF THE MoTive Power, THE GREAT DIFFICULTY WAS THE UNRELIABILITY

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ibe

NS SAN BERAL ADUPTION OF THE SYSTEM !

December 5, 1896.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Doctor (to Patient, who complains of a touch of gout). ‘‘We.L, MY DEAR Sin, I AM Nor AstoNisHED. Your BUTLER TELLS ME you DRANK THE BEST PART OF A BoTTrLe oF Port LAST NIGHT!” Docror, You DON’T MEAN TO SAY YOU EXPECTED ME TO SWALLOW YHE CRUST AND THE Jovial Patient. ‘‘QUITE THE BEST PART, CorK AS WELL?”

SPORTIVE SONGS. A Godfather bids good-speed to his Goddaughter coming out at a County Bail. To-nicHr you leave behind old joy, The school-room task, the nursery toy, The romp with merry girl and boy, To army a into Society— A county ball the trysting place. Through many measures you will race And for a while—a little 5 Will deem you’ve found satiety ! The local swains will claim your hand, To foot it to an awful band, And yet you’ll think the meeting grand, One full of animation! Your lady-mother’s watchful eye Will see no “detrimental” shy Shall ask a dance. The reason why, Your future destination ! Your lady-mother, toc, will view With radiant smile some snobkin new Who takes an interest in you, A fresh and fair distraction ! The Lord Lieutenant’s son may claim A valse or polka—while your flame May p’r’aps attract young What’s-his- ame, A Moth that loves attraction ! But still, if I know you <<. Dear little girl! so true! so bright! You ’ll pol. we please yourself to-night, _And make your own diversion ! xen ‘ll = a Someone who will os our style, your very tripping match, And so, despite * you ll snatch Yourself from her coercion!

Dance on! while yet the blood is young, Before life ’s cares their shade have flung. Tis good the song of old is sung For you and all creation! This is the dawning of your day. This is the promise of your May. Know it, while hearts are leal alway To their own beats’ pulsation! Time for the weariness of years! Time for the shedding of the tears! Time for the sorrows and the fears! But leave them to the gloaming! Now, when the ship is sent to sea, When sun is kind and wind is free, Give sail with happy shout of glee, Give sail until the homing!

CANINE SAGACITY. EXTRAORDINARY Memory IN A Doo, Dear Sir,—Seeing that you have opened your columns to letters on the subject of “canine sagacity,” I thought that your readers might be interested in the following true story of canine memory. I possess a retriever named Kucalyptus, of remarkable intelligence, although now getting on in years. ‘The animal is very affectionate so far as my family is con- cerned, and his only failing is a digestion to snap at every stranger who appears in sight. I must confess that his attitude to- wards the postman and milkman leaves much to be desired, but probably these people have given him good cause for irri- tation, by their propensity for teasing. A sailor cousin of mine was home from the sea about seven years ago. He paid me a visit, and (I think) took a dislike to

| Eucalyptus. At any rate, on leaving, he | deliberately tantalised the dog (who was | at a window) by offering him a large bone, | and then throwing it over the hes | his eyes. I told my cousin at the time | that the dog would never forgive him, but | he only laughed. Now for the sequel. A | fortnight ago, before _I received, a second visit from my cousin (his first had lasted two | days, the only time that Kucalyptus had ever seen him), and within two minutes of his arrival I heard a snarl and a snap. Eucalyptus had bitten him in the leg! For seven years that dog had cherished his feelings of resentment over the bone incident, and instantaneously recognising the author of the wrong, he had wreaked his vengeance accordingly ! Yours faithfully, “ CoLonIAL.” A SONG OF THE ROAD. Tinkie, twinkle, motor-car, Just to tell us where you are, While about the streets you fly Like a comet in the sky. When the blazing sun is “ off,” When the fog breeds wheeze and cough, Round the corners as you scour With your dozen miles an hour— Then the traveller in the dark Growling some profane remark, Would not know which way to go While you ’re rushing to and fro. On our fears, then, as you gloat ; (Ours who neither “ bike” nor “ mote”), Just to tell us where you are— Tinkle, twinkle, motor-car.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |DecemBer 5, 1896. THE COURSE OF JUSTICE, May (threatened with punishment). * Now, Dappy, Ir’s No usE. You MAYN'T MAKE ME ORY, ‘CAUSE I ’VE GOT ON A CLEAN PINAFORE!” ROUNDABOUT READINGS. (Letters from Mr. R. to his Nephew at Cambridge, and to Others.) No. I11.—Or Foorypom—Or Youna Men anp Otp—Or THE MAKING OF FRIENDs. My pear Jack,—We were speaking of friends and friendship when I broke off my last letter. Before I say any more about this subject I wish to enter a protest. In your letter to me you speak of one of your respected dons as “a regular old fogey.” Now, Jack, is this fair or kind. The gentleman whom you so contemptuously describe was a freshman when I took my degree! If he is ancient, what am I? If he is to have a mansion in the dull realms of fogeydom, I, your uncle, must have a habitation there. I teil you honestly I don’t like to be relegated, even by implication, to dust and obscurity. No doubt you will answer that the Reverend Mr. Brrrons is as bald as a coot, while your uncle still uses a hard brush for the arrangement of his hyacinth- ine locks, but I cannot allow you to escape so easily. I know Dicky Brrrons well, but when I think of him he appears to me as a lad with a head of tousled hair, a particularly pink com- lexion, and not the slightest indication of a I trust e holds as pleasant a memory of me. Youth and age are mere terms; they represent no absolute and _ invariable realities. The oldest man I ever knew was Tom SKINNER, a freshman of my year. At eighteen he was a dried-up man of the world, a withered compendium of depravity, for whom life had no savour left. Ho posed as a terrible killer of ladies, and hinted darkly that the domestic happiness of a certain married Professor depended upon his reticence. None of us took him seriously ; his antics and affectations were food for endless chaff. Once when, in pulling out his handkerchief, he dropped a photo- graph on the floor, and made a great show of ye it up cater and hiding it away lest prying eyes should discover the secret of his latest intrigue, we sprang upon him, wre his treasure from him, and discovered a likeness of Sxrnnzr himself, taken in cap and gown, for the delectation of his family circle. Somewhere in the provinces, I believe, he still lives on, stestered exemplar of immorality, a fountain of and tainted stories for the young bloods of his district. If you asked me, on the other hand, to name my youngest friend, I should point to dear old Lucas. Three years divide him from eighty; and in what other man can you find so keen a zest in life, so hearty and fresh | an appreciation of all that is good and honourable and humorous and friendly, so ardent a delight in Youth and bloom and this delightful world. His life has been passed in a constant and eager activity, yet he is not wearied, and his laugh rings as full and true as t of the youngest man amongst you. And now as to your friends and the making of them. You need not, of course, be over-genial or gushing as I have known | some men to be. But, on the other hand, I would not have you | to choose this man or to reject another as a friend in a cold spirit of calculation, because, after observing him carefully, you judge him to be suitable or otherwise for the high privilege of your friendship. I call this the commercial principle applied to friendship, — for myself I never could endure it. Some men, only a few, I am thankful to believe, adopt it and act on it, but most of us would abhor the notion of treating our S as though they were ledgers, entering a man’s quahties on a sort of debtor and creditor account, and striking a balance for him, as thus :— Mr. Henry Brown in account with J. RounvaBovutT. Dr. Cr. A loud laugh. Perfect amiability. Untidy clothes. Willingness to oblige. Great devotion to books. Unselfishness. A provincial accent. A full blue for hammer-throwing. Leaving a small balance of friendship for poor Brown to draw upon. You can’t choose your friends as you do | pes tailor, your gyp, the pattern of your clothes, or the style of your neck- ties. If a man has the true qualities, and you are fortunate a to meet him, you cannot but choose to make him your friend, and that without conscious effort on your or his. I am assuming that you, too, have the true qualities, but the assumption is not a dangerous one, for, if I know you at all, I know you are what a lad should be—manly, candid, honourable, unselfish, not personally vain, and a hater of meanness. You meet. another youngster in a tub on the river, you exchange a few words, he makes you laugh, you walk up together, something in his manner and his looks attracts you, the sympathetic glow begins and you exchange confidences. He comes from Winter- house, you were a Charchester boy, you were both in your respective football and cricket teams, you both think tubbing dull—will he come to your rooms after hall and smoke a pipe? Probably at the end of the day each of you will have acquired a life-long friend. But neither of you thought about the pro- cess. A man may be on the surface all that hoary moralists approve—steady, sober, thrifty, and all that, but at heart he may be a prig, a humbug, and a mean Your instinct will keep you from him, however much elderly ignoramuses may urge you to choose so steady a model for your friend. When a man is urgently recommended to my affection, I care not by whom, on the ground of his goodness, his sobriety, and 50 forth, I feel towards him csunsliaa of the feeling that comes over me when in a book of essays I read as the head-note to one of them, “Lecture delivered at the three hundredth meet- ing of the -—— Mutual Improvement Association.” The essay may be excellent, but, such is human nature, I regard it with suspicion, and it’s ten to one I don’t read it. So with the recommended man. I shun him. Trust to your instinct in these matters, and being what you are you won’t go far wrong. I go to Bracewells on Thursday to shoot at some of the pheasants. There will be a few birds left for you to have a pop at about Christmas time. Ever your affectionate uncle, Rospert RounDABovtT. In a County Court. Judge (to Mr. Perrienoe, plaintiff’s solicitor). I really cannot see that you have proved the defendant’s means. e Mr. P. (excitedly, to defendant). No means! How did you get here, Sir? Defendant. I walked. 4 Mr. P. Where did you get the boots to walk in? Defendant. I borrowed them. j : Mr. P. (triwmphantly). On what security, Sir, security ? ‘ Defendant. On the fact that you had taken up the case against me. [General merriment. No order. on what

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Is warranted to cleanse the jan Contains Razor impurities, from whatever ca: cause arising THE FLYING J PEN. and 7 Blades te lood ccna Bad Lah For COUGHS, ASTHMA, BRONCHITIS, &c Btrop . A Bkin end B Sold by Chemists throughout t) id. No famil Sores of all kinds, its y emists throughout the wor o family Stropping “Ma. should be without it. — Benet, Roberts, Hogg ; vellous. It is the only real specific Brussels, ie Geneva, ‘Haker ; Ge Pharmacie Dela Gout and Rheumatic Pains, for it removes Rotterdam, Santen Kolff. ketablished 1824. 04. end is Box at all Stationers Shaving Brush . and bones. Prepared only by Sample lox ls, Id. by post. Soap, Cosme- the cause from the bi Thousands of wondesful cures have been THOMAS POWELL, Blackfriars Road, Lenion. They ese “in bottles, 2s. 9d.and lis. Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. | tique, for each, of Chemists everywhere. se a9 | BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. PIPE AL HANDS A.J.JORDAN (Agent), OES Ce When you ask lor » EAST INDIA WORKS, “ °, i j m strop a razor with- 10/- 2 Strepping Machi-e. o Price Antomati A child ca: out inj injury to strop or razor. without Strop.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —DecemBer CHATTO & WINDUS’S NEW BOOKS. LEVNARD MERKICK 6 NEW NOVEL, CYNTHIA: a Daughter of the Philistines, ie now ready, in 2 Library THE CHARM, “and other Drawing- room Plays Me Wasree Poicoces ith Ovo, cloth, gilt edges, 6. DY ARIS DURING“ ae mete 574 2 Seteenstns y or doth Bis The volumes give a life jike, breathing of the most potesqacty sors terrible epoch in the of mudern times Biré has given us 6 wor which we should receive with gratitude. It is echolariy without being pedantic, it is picturesque without being inaccurate. It can be consulted asa text-book ond read asa romance. —Pace Mit Gas. THE ROYAL CHRISTOPHER. ByJoetss H. McCaarnt, Author of“ A end,’ &e. Crown Svo, cloth, is. 6d “Tis a breesy yarn, which boys are sure to en joy." —Pats Mace Gaserrs ARKER'S LUCK. By Baer mones With ® Llustrations. Crows 6vo, cloth, Je ~ The a ay ie told in Bret Harte’s crispest style, and makes healthy and entertaining reading.’ Scoremas A CAPFUL 0’ NAILS: A North- Ce puntry story My D. Cunwris Moana, Author of “ Joseph s Coat. ' Crown *vo, cloth, 3+. 6d. a Christie Murray's new book is one which certain!, add to his already great popularity — is written at once with sy" epathy and know Altogether,‘ A Capfal o alls’ isa clever an impressive book.”—Dew Sarvavat MARRIED ) OR SINGLE? By KK. M. Cavers, Author of Vretty Miss Cheaper Edition. Crows 4vo, cloth, 3s. 6d. ge 5 - “oy — Neville 1% THE KINGDOM OF KERRY. p. B. M. Cacuen, Author of “ Diana — ton, Crown §vo, cloth, is i sei ing volume of short stories, slight aid sim ple in pointof plot, admirable in style. Mr. Croker writes with sympathy, knowledge, and conviction , and this, her latest fort, will add to a reputation that is already well advanced. --Vaniry Fain REVEN GE! With 12 Iilustrations. Crown Svo, cloth, 4s * Mr. Harr seems to have studied the art of the thriding story until he can tell it without a super fluo as word —Daitt Cuaonicre COMPLETION OF THE LIBRARY EDITION OF CHARLES READE'S NOVELS. . sew Collected Library Edition, complete = Se ‘teen Volumes, set in handsome New T Vr nted on Laid Paper, and elegantly bous « ot ie. 6d. each Wofingten i: tstie Jo Hard Cah The Cloister and the Hearth It is Never too Late to Meni The Course of True Love Never Did Rua Smooth, and Bingle- ae and Double- +. ; and ¥ hy A Terrible Tempta- A Simpileteoa. (ton A Woman Hater the Jilt, aud Uther ories, and Stories of Man and Other Animals A Perilous Secret. Readian,s; and Bible Chacacters The Autobiography of a Thief; Jack of all Trades; A Hero aad a Martyr; aud ihe 1 Wandering Heir Tet WOMAN IN WHITE. “ ~ tn ha tnome wew y *, vith Pett. C food CuaTtTO & WINDUS, 111, St Martin's Lane, w.c. MR. HENTY'S NEW STORIES. Crown 8vo, cloth elegant, olivine edges, és At AGINCOURT: A Tee bo the White Hoods of Paris. By G.A ith i2 ‘ liewrs Page lilustrations by Wai Pacer Crown Sve, cluth c.egant, oliviae edges, 4» wits COCHRANE THE DAUNTLESS A Tale uo! Ube Amerkan Waters l age illustrations by W Kapioits of La - ‘ em in “South ly G. A. Me ith 12 ul as ET Crown 8vo, cloth elegant, olivine « ON THE yt Be A Story of the drst burmese War iy G.A Mewrs. With 6 Iustrations by W. H. Ovence New Edition, crown Svo, cloth clewant, bs. bd THE YOUNG COLONISTS: A Tale of the Zulu ani Noer Wars. Hy G Mewrs. With 6 Diiustrations by Simos H Lunden: BLACKIE saxo SOX, Ltd, Old Hailey COLT’S NEW DOUBLE- ACTION 32 CAL. POCKET REVOLVER ® ith ejector and solid frame, Nag -~ wcket revolver made cOLT’s a rine ht © « list free treet, Vols., at every | Sir Wacren Besaxt ead | @ TDilustrations, Crown | Love Me Little. Love Me | » 5 SOE oe Se | TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. SCRUBB’S sossenois AMMONIA MARVELLOUS PREPARAT | Reheping 20 a Turkish — Invaluable for ail Toilet Purposes Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. Removes Stains and "ence Spots from Clothing, Etc. Restores the Colour to Carpets. Cleans Plate and Jewellery. yj 1s. Bottle forsixtoten Baths. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Etc. | SCRUBB & CO., 32b Southwark Street, 5.E. MANUFACTURERS OF ‘SCRUBB'S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World of Novelties in Solid Silver. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREB. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: [12, REGENT ST., W. (Acsoin ine Sreasosconic Courant.) THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE CO. (=) Head Office: EDINBURGH. | Accumulated Fund, 8 Millions Stg. NEW REDUCED RATES. MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS By Ropert Bark. | KMegiscered Trade Mar’. “8. MORDAN & CO.” | Srensies in India and the Colonies. | al ne WSEpn 65 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. BUTTER-SCOTG Ualluy w aioe 4 PASTEUR”. (Chamberland) Fy LT E R. ‘The Standard of Efficient Filtra- DEN HAIR tion.” —Bairisu Mevicar Jovaxai.. | ROBARE $ AUREOLINE ry : PER. BRCTLYA LARMLESS A real preventative of water- Sold by Perfumers and Chemists | borne disease.”’—Laxcer. Wholesale: K. HOVENDEN & SONS, and all principal Patent Medicine Warehouses, London DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. - ron (Jacket and Vest) for boy of § years, 19, | ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE and PATTERNS free on application, Tu be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers, or from the Makers. ’. DEFRIES & Rone, ‘7 147, Hounxsorten, Loxpus, E.C. ' FOR COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, de., ‘DRINK VICHY GELESTINS si Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. Sole Importers : INGRAM & ROYLE, 52, FARRINCDON STREET, LONDON, EC. HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIG BSTION Bold } through. ut the World 12, 1896. | QRIENT COMPANY'S YACHTING SAMUEL BROTHERS, | For ACIDITY or rue STOMACH, HEARTERURY, | 45:7 ns retin, sad GABOUIEE Rane TnI 577 toms reg’ x N ter, om London as under :— SMS toms cor WEST INDIA ISLANDS, UDA. &c leaving Jan. 13, TUNE at, Maret 6 For ot MOROCCO, SICILY, PALES and EGYPT. | leaving Pebruary 17. returning April 15 | or E, ANTI. i werns. &c., leaving Mareh 31, returning seuetay I? For PORTUGAL, MOROCCO, corsica. ICA. ITALY, and SICILY, leavinx April 21, returning May 2 | String band, electric light, electric tails, hot and e ld baths, high clase cuisine. Managers: P. Greeg | &Co., Anderson, Anderson &Co. Head Uffices, Fey church Avenue. For passage app! firm, at 5, Fenchurch Avenue, London » OF ty the West- End branch Office, 16, Coekspur St..3.W HOTEL METROPOLE, BRIGHTON. * The finest and wiost luxurious Seaside Hotel in the World.” Charges moderate. Proprietors: THE CORDON HOTELS, LTD. ‘ORIENTAL CARPETS Sold at Wholesale Prices TRELOAR & SONS, LUDGATE HILL. Ask for Price List. Sore Throats **Youcannot do better than gargie with “CONDY.” Sir Morell Mackenziz, MD. Caos Physician to the late Emperor of Germany.) Gargic wm CONDY'S remodiad FLUID. TROWLANDS’ MACASSAR OIL Preserves Beautifies, Strengthens the Hai. also in Golden Coiour, 3s. 6d., 7s., 10s. 64. ROWLANDS’ ODONTE The Best and Safest Dentifrice: 2s 9%, of Chemists and Perfumers. Send Postal Order to |\B aA. ROWLAND & SONS, 20, Harrow Garpex, Loxpos.

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es

DecemBer 12, 1896.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 277

DEJECTION. | IN REVIEWING THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS RECEIVED FROM HIS RELA- TIONS, OUR BACHELOR FRIEND GOLDING FEELS THAT WITH AN EFFORT HE CAN STAND THE WOOLLEN CoMFORTER AND Socks, THE GOOSE, THE Inon Por GILDED, THE FLOWER-STAND OF FIR-cONES, THE PALETTE LOOKING-GLASS (CRACKED IN TRANSIT), THE BIRD-CAGE, AND EVEN THE IMITATION BRONZE, BUT HE THINKS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN SPARED THE PORTRAIT OF HIMSELF IN OILS, PAINTED AS A PLEASANT SURPRISE BY Cousin EMMA FROM A “‘ SNAP-sHOT.”

LETTERS OF MARJORIE AND GLADYS. II.—Anout AsTROLOGY AND THINGS OF THAT Sort. Dearest Marsorix,—I wonder how you can be surprised at my liking for “ trivial people,” as you call them, after my unfor- tunate experience of serious young men. Of Orret, the less said the better ; and I do not look back with much pleasure on my engagement to Artuur, whose high principles, vile temper, and determination to play Halma with me every evening drove me to desperation and those poegen jokes that led to our disunion. However, you will own I am less frivolous, when I tell you I have taken to believing in palmistry, combined with physiognomy, table-turning, and even a touch of astrology. Mrs. VanpeLeur a friend, a real Professor, who goes into a trance and reveals the past for one guinea! Isn’t it cheap? He also delineates one’s character in the most wonderful way by a photograph. You send it under a false name, in a dinguieed bend. I believe one might even send someone else’s photograph, and he is so clever that it makes no difference whatever. e told me that the ear being placed on the side of the head is a sign of quick temper, avarice, and a dislike to arithmetic. He never flatters. rs. VANDELEUR says he must be genuine, because he lives in the Edgeware Road. He also does crystal-gazing, and he told Mrs. Vanpeteur when she went to see him, that he saw her in the crystal in a dark-blue dress with a yellow front—the ve _ dress she was wearing at that moment! You may be sceptical, | but you must own that wasa rather extraordinary coincidence ! modern methods of flirting. A rather good instance would be Crom Carrneton and Mrs. Vanpr- LEuR. Crcrt is the black-ribbon-watch-chain boy whom I used to like, and she is a dear little woman who adores it. VanpE- Leur. (I think, myself, Mr. Vanpetzur knows fa: too much about stained-glass windows, and lets you know it.) She : much amused at Cror’s evident wish that she should have a hopeless admiration for him. He is quite a child, and longs to have it oes loudly as possible, pad oe the A <a oe he oes about compromising people, and breaking u y homes, ke The joke of it is that Psi VANDELEUR aout tal the slightest interest in anyone except Mr. Vanpeteur (which she couldn’t), it would be someone who has lived and suffered, with hair growing a little grey on the temples. A weary smile would be essential. Cxcrt is nineteen, and looks much younger. Here’s a conver- sation they had in the Park : — Cecil (in his earlier manner, not knowing what he means, but intending to dazzle by a st statement). I should like to burn you, like spice, on the altar of a devoted friendship |! Mrs. Vandeleur (literal, fervent, and demure). It’s very kind of you, Mr. Carrneton, especially as I know you only say so out of politeness. Cecil. Wouldn’t that be carrying good manners rather far ? Mrs. V. (smiles, and changes the subject. Pointin, !o me with her parasol). There’s Guapys Lesix, in quite tight slveves. Cecil (as if apologetic). Yes. I suppose she doesu’t know they ’re coming in again. Mrs. V. How horrid of you! How nice and fresh she looks! Cecil (seeking to ingratiate by disparagement of her friend). As fresh as paint. Mrs. V. Oh, Mr. Cartneron! you don’t really mean—— Cecil. Well, I should almost fancy she did make up the least little bit in the world, if—— Mrs. V. lf w Cecil (opeating for effect and not from malice). If I didn’t ener Ve (a htl fied). You know t ch. Y rs. V. (slightly gratified). You know too much. You mustn’t talk of my eel like that. Cecil. May I talk about you instead? I want to esk you a great favour. Mrs. V. Isn’t that talking about yourself? Cecil. It’s to ask if I may come and see you. Mrs. V. I am at home on agers Cecil. Then may I come all the other days? . Mrs. V. What, when I’m out? Is that quite polite ? Cecil (reproachfully). Is that quite kind ? Mrs. V. You may come on Sunday. Cecil. Every Sunday ? : Mrs. V. Every Sunday for a fortnight. Cecil. And may the fortnight begin to-day ? Mrs. V. Certainly. Cecil (in a low voice). And will you be surrounded by crowds of people ? é Mrs. V. Well, you haven’t yan me much time, but I'll do my best by this afternoon. I'll try to get up a juvenile party for you. ’ z E bs Can you tell me what I ought to wear at a spiritualistic séance / A low dress seems too much, and yet a hat seems somehow wrong. Would green be a nice colour to wear to have your horoscope cast in? I think a chiffon blouse—and perhaps tan gloves—not white. Do advise me. It’s at eight o’clock. With love, Ever your affectionate friend, Griapys.

Bipputpn, K.C.B., G.C.M.G.,” says the Daily News, “ Governor of Gibraltar, arrived at Plymouth, yesterday, on board the P. and O. steamer Caledonia, which arrived from Bombay, and came on to London by train.” What with motor-cars that stick in the mud whilst the promoters empty the pockets of confiding specta- tors; what with water-wheels that stop out all night; what with the new Brighton railway that is neither boat nor railway car- riage, we are coming to great things in locomotion. But this performance of the Caledonia beats all. Fancy a vessel of 8,000 tons, just arrived from Bombay, quietly taking the train, going on to London, probably dining at its club, and looking in at the theatre afterwards! Sir Tomas Surnertanp has worked marvels since he took direction of P. and O. affairs, and this is his latest.

History (as she is written). First Lady. Now what do you think started this Matabele war ? Second Lady. Well, I think it was the rinderpest.

A Firs1-Ciass Ramway Passencer.-—“‘ General Sir Roserrt

First Lady. Oh! is that the name of the Dutch Government ?

You asked me for specimens of VOL. CXI,

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Page 378

THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Decemper 12, 1896. yd ‘ A gt al a 7 SA on we | % i 9 Me THE SKIPPER AND HIS BOY. The Boy (G-rge O-rz-n). ‘‘ Look HE-YAH! YOU MUST NOT SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL!” _[‘* All he complained of was the facility given under the existing system for raising questions of the utmost delicacy and importance without any | notice at all, involving a reply from the Minister responsible for the Department, which he might have to deliver on the spur of the moment”... . Mr. Curzon at Manchester, Tuesday, December 1, 1896.)

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| December 12, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. , n it’ et RSEs NOME fay ry PET ALL PLAY. NOWORK Tan o © 04-8 fe-- HARDLY LIKELY. (An Incident in a Motor Race.) Wi, weeseiadibiijan > V7 \mumnertiafe wi YZ Wier” ; Bs First Motist (stranded), **Hi, stop! LeND ME A Pint oF OIL, PLEASE. I’M QuITE oUT!” Second Motist (flying past). ‘‘ AWFULLY soRRY, Sin. HAVEN'T A DROP TO SPARE! YOU 'LL GET PLENTY AT THE NEXT VILLAGE!” THE NEW ARS POETICA. WovuLp you make sweet music sweeter ? Would stir men’s hearts when you sing "Tis a question of matter and metre— Audacity, lilt and swing Chop and change your dactyl and spondee With the trip of the smooth anapzst, Adding dialect glib and slang ad lib. To impossible names from the East. You can sing of the Mother who bore you, You can sing of the Pavement Belle, You have all the world before you— To say nothing of Heaven and Hell. No matter too great or little, No words too plain or bold, If Life but avail your pen for a tale Which you tell as a tale should be told. You must blend the Intensely Human With a touch of Essential Beast, Never babble of “fallen woman ”— Let a spade be a spade at least! Don’t forget your Capital Letters, They alone will you far, And remember in sooth that Art is Truth, d write of “ Thing: as They Are”! Tae Trura as to “Crackers.” —G. Sparacnapane & Co. are veritable dealers in the magic poetry of what the Christmas cracker should be. Inventive i ation runs riot, and every possible idea er these Christmas wizards, been rolled up in mystery and covered with the sa gaudiness so dear to the youthful heart. HOW WE PRINT NOW; Or, Taking the Seasons in Quick Time. Scenge—An Editorial Sanctum. Time—The second week in December. Editor of popular publication discovered. To him enter dis- tinguished Author. Author. Glad to find you disengaged. I have got an idea that I hope will be just in time. Editor. Always ready for you, my dear friend. Sure to be acceptable. Author. Well, I bave a story dealing with two old people-—variety of Darby and Joan Editor. Better make them young—say Paul and Virginia with a difference. Author. They are on the eve of bidding one another farewell. Editor. You mean they have just met one another for the first time. Author. And are arranging a deed of separation. Editor. No, organising an elopement. Author. In January. Editor. Not at all! August. Author. But will all this be seasonable ? How can it be on all fours with Christmas ? Editor. But we don’t want it to be on all fours with Christmas. re uthor. Surely for a Yule-tide num- r Editor. But it won’t do for that. Pub- lished that an age ago. If you are sharp, and send in copy by the 20th, we can get it safely in by the 30th ; we commence machining our summer number on New Year’s Day, so as to be ready by a [Modifications pted. MOTE ME BY GASLIGHT! The Light of other Days brought up to date.) Mots me by gaslight, mine own! No tram-car or ‘bus need we hail. We can mote on by oil, love—alone, With no cabby to list to our tale. I have promised to come, for you said You would show me the Auto-car Queen. Yours can beat all the rest by a head, ’Tis the speediest ever yet seen. Oh! mote me by ight, my own! A hansom may do for the grey Who trust to the jolti = gee ; 2 - pnt mee! otor, ! P the carriage for you, ove, L me. Oh! remember the thirty mil (In an hour) which we had Vother night | In the next race to Brighton we ’ll win, For our motor is speedy and light. So mote me by gaslight mine own! Latest rrom Westminster Anpey.—We are not aware if Mr. Hooregy’s gift of gold plate to Westminster Abbey has been ac- ted by the Dean and Chapter, but we believe the condition at ed to the i Mma gh Plate” is that, in com- seatomniien of present, an annual sermon should be proached by the Dean on “ The a ae of — Bap OMEN FoR = Hovse or Lorps.— The Chain Pier of Brighton, one of the oldest Piers of the Realm, has been de- stroyed. Se eile WERE De SAE fda at Sb RRC ns

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH, |Decemper 12, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunosno Jasserser, B.A.) No, XXX. M inklet tow V. Jabberjee (purt heard). Mr. JSabberjee fiads cCross-exami nation much less formidable than he had anticipated. celebrated case, which is such the Court is tight as a is barricading imploringly It is now the second day of m | a transcendental success that alread drum, while a vast disappointed crow at the doors! 1 was about to harangue these unfortunates, assuring them I was not responsible for their exclusion, and promising to exert Withcrington, Q.C. my utmost influence with th: Hon’ble Judge that they were all | to be admitted But my solicitor, seizing me by the forearm, hurried me through the entrance with the friendly recommendation that I was"not to be the ballyfool. In the bs as ok perceive Jessimina seated, in a hat even more resplendently becoming than her yesterday head-dress, and I am not a little puffed with pride to be proceeded against by a plain- tiff of such a stylish and elegant appearance. 10.25 a.m.—After all, Wiraertneton, Q.C., has paid me the | marked compliment of turning up to personally conduct my cross- | examination. At which Smartiz, Esq., becomes lugubrious, averring that he is capable of turning my inside out in no time | unless I am preciouaty careful. But, knowing that such in- human barbarities are not feasible in civilized regions, I enter the box with a serene and smiling countenance. . . . | _Later.—I am unspeakably delighted with the urbanity (on the whole) with which I have been cross-examined. For, to my wonderment, Wiraertncton, Q.C., commenced with displaying a respectful and sympathetic interest in my career, &c., which rendered me completely at my ease, and though on occasions he did suddenly manifest inquisitorial severity, I soon discovered that his anger was merely histrionic, and that he was in secret Mehly gretsied by the nature of my replies. And for the most part had the great condescension to treat me with a ki and facetious famiharity. I had privately commissioned a shorthanded acquaintance of mine with instructions to take down nothing but my answers, but with inconceivable doltishness he has done the exact con- verse, and transcribed merely the utterances of Mister Wrruer- | INGTON | am to insert the report here pro tanto, trusting to the ingenuity | of the public to read between the lines. Here Foiiows tHe Report. Mr. Witherington, Q.C. Well, Mr. Jappersex, so it seems that it is all a mistake about your being a Prince, eh? .... | And, however such an idea may have originated, never repre- | sented yourself as a Rajah, or anythi the kind? . . . I was sure you would say so. You have such e high regard for truth, and | such a deep sense of the obligation of an oath, that you are in- | capable of a deliberate falsehood at any time—ma take that | for granted? . .. . Very glad to hear it. And of course, Mr. | JABBERJEE, it was no fault of yours if people chose to assume, from a certain magnificence in your appearance and way of living | and so on, that you must be of high rank in your own country? However, as I do not accurately recall my responses, I | But, though you don’t set up to be a Prince, you are, | I believe, a recent acquisition to the honourable profession of | which we are both members? ... . And also a journalist of | some distinction, are you not? ... . Indeed? I congratulate | you—a highly respectable periodical. And no doubt the pro- | prietors have shown a proper appreciation of the value of your | services, in a pecuniary sense? .... Really? You are indeed to be envied, Mr. Jaspersez! Not many young barristers can rely upon making such an income by their pen while they are | waiting for the briefs to come in. May I ok if you intend to ractice in this country? .... The Calcutta Bar, eh? Then | | suppose you can count upon influence out there? .. .. Your | father a Mooktear, is he? I’m afraid I don’t know what that is exactly... . / A solicitor? Now I understand. So he will ive you cases—in which I am sure you will distinguish yourself. Bat you ’ll have to work hard, won’t you? . .. . I thought so. No more pig-sticking or tiger-shooting, eh? ... . That’s a drawback, isn’t it? You’re passionately devoted to tiger-shoot- ing, aren’t you? Unless I’m mistaken, you first won the lain- tiff’s admiration by the vivid manner in which you described your “moving accidents by flood and field”—another parrallel be- | tween you and Orne.io, eh? Well, tell me, I’m no sportsman | myself—but it’s rather a thrilling moment, isn’t it, when a tiger is trying to climb up your elephant, and get inside the—what do ' you call it—howlah ?—oh, howdah, to be sure; thank you, very | much, . . . So I should have imagined. you ’re used to it, even that wouldn’t shake your nerve to any appreciable extent. You would bowl over your tiger at close quar- ters without turning a hair, would you not?... Justso. A great gift, presence of mind. And pig-sticking, now—isn’t a boar rather an awkward customer to tackle? . . . . “You never found him so”? But suppose you miss him with your spear, and he charges | your horse ? Ah, you’re a mighty hunter, Mr. JaBBERJEE, I perceive! Ever shoot any elephants? . ... No elephants? | That ’s a pleasure to come, then. Now, about your relations | with the plaintiff prior to your engagement—you were a good | deal in her company, weren’t you? . ... Well, you constantly | escorted her to various places of amusement, come ? yes; I am quite aware a chaperon was always present. Still, I suppose, when | Yes, | We are | both agreed that my client has acted throughout with the most | jyouP.... |admired her extremely? . . idea of proposing ? came to engage yourself... . scrupulous propriety—but you liked being in her society, didn’t | Exactly so, and, at that time at all events, you | . . “Merely as a friend,” eh? no | Well, just tell us once more how it was you | You were afraid your landlady | | would summon a boarder and ask him to give you a kicking? | . . And the prospect of being kicked terrified you to such an | | extent that you were willing to promise anything—is that your story? .... But you are a man of iron nerve, you you ’ve just been giving us a description of your the jungle. How did you come to be so alarme turna hair? .. . . But that is what you gave us to understand | just now, wasn’t it? .. . . Then do you tell his lordship and the jury now that, as a matter of fact, you never shot a solitary tiger or speared a single boar in your life? Why didn’t you say so at once, Sir? . Do you consider a misrepresentation of that kind a mere trifle? . . . . In spite of the fact that you have solemnly sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the trath? . . . . Very well, Sir, I will take your answer. Now, just look at this letter of yours, dated June the 15th, 1896. (Your lordship has a copy of the correspondence. . . . Yes, it is all admitted, my ford.) Ill read (Reads it.) Now, Sir, is it the fact that you ever actually consulted the gentleman who enjoys the distinction of being astrologer to your family upon your marriage with the plain- know, | rformances in | by a boarder, | when the attack of the fiercest tiger or wild boar never made you | it to you. |

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| Decexsen 12, 1896} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. tiff? Be careful what you say.....- And did he ever forbid | you to contract such an alliance? . . . . Then was there a word | of truth in all that? .... 1 thou t as much. Let me read , Z 4 | you another letter. (He reads.) ere, you see, you make quite | : , : another excuse. You are already married, and can only offer | y I the plaintiff the position of a rival wife, or “ sateen,” as you call | y | | it. ve you ever contracted an infant marriage in India? .. . | | Ob, that is true, is it? But why, when you were paying t | | attentions to the plaintiff, did it never occur to you to mention | | the fact that you were a married man? ... . “You don’t | 3 | know”? May it not have been because you were a widower? | : | Was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this letter ? | » _.. . Then why did you write of her as i she were alive? . . . | 8 I quite believe that—but why were you so anxious to break it d off just then? ... . Well, when you were cross-examining the > plaintiff you asked her about a certain china ornament you had t given her, which seems to have been iginally intended for another young lady. We needn’t mention her name here—but you made her acquaintance some time after your engagement, didn’t you? . . . . And since you left Porticobello House, you have seen a good deal of her, eh? .. . . You were a great ad- | mirer of hers, weren’t you? ... . I’m not asking you whether | she is engaged to a Scotch gentleman at the present moment— | I’m putting it to you that, at the time you were writing these | letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed the conclusion | that this other young was more deserving of the honour of being the second Mrs. JaBBERJEE. . . - I am not suggesting that | you could help it—but wasn’t it so? . ... Very well—that is) all I have to ask you, Mr. Jappensex. You can go. I must not omit to record that my replies an the vedas of pr letters did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, in | other respects I have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor informs me it is not worth a candle to call any further witnesses —ceey as Hon’ble Cummensunp has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen, and as for Baboo CauckersutTy Ram, he, it seems, has of course been seized by such violent indisposition that he was compelled to leave the Court. ; pee So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will in- | fallibly secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to | the skies as Cock of the Roost. ‘ Only I regret that JessIMINa’s visage is now completely in- visible to me, being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also | that she should carry on such protracted confabulations with her curly-headed professional adviser—which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and Hon’ble Justice HongreaLy! | “ RO and all was well. o ; " So Britannia ruled the waves, as she ever can do when she is laughter. Intense mortification of those arow assisted in the operation by a writer—on paper.

Nore rrom Oxrorp.—Water “ Isis” seem very popular at the “ House” just now.

Tur Beaune or Contention.—Cheap Burgundy.

~~ Rds.

|

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PUNCH, OR THE RT LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 12, 1896. Y),' Mi Yi. Y if , ne A fj y} HN i as Mi), gol / Ki il HI ; agg df Weph cf fu Belle Américaine. ‘Poppa SAYS you BRITISHERS ARE AKIN TO Us, Matter-of-fact Britisher,. ‘‘ An |—wuicu Trip?” 4 / / uf it) i| | \> ON BOARD A LINER. Poppa TELLS ME OUR \\\ WEN AWN 2? ANCESTORS CAME OVER IN THE MAYFLOWER.” A NEW AND SORROWFUL LYTELL CESTE OF ROBIN HOOD. [It s proposed to run a railway through Sherwood Forest. } Litne and listen, gentlemen That be of Brytyshe blood, [’ll tell you of a good yeoman, His name was Reams Hoop. Rosin stood in Sherwvoode Forest, And leaned him to a tree ; And by him stood stout Littte Joun, Both glum as glum could be. “ What Booteth it?” cried Lirrie Joun, “The railway company Is going to shriek and squeale and smoke Under the greenwood tree.” “Oh waly, waly!” cried Rosin Hoop, | “Under the leavés green Their sleepers and their rails they ’Il lay, Whereof will be great teen! Merrie England will be no more, There ‘ll be no men of stle, | When Sherwood heareth on ae roare, | And eke ye railway whystle!” | Forth then stert Litttz Jonn, | Half in tray and teen; “Let us hang ye Managere,” “Upon this oke-tree green! “ Alas and waly!” cried Rosin Hoop, “That were a merrye plan, But that, I doubt, would scarce seem good To our Maid Martyn. She hath so many tronkes y-now For farthingale and bonnet, She will not fayle to greet ye rail With glee, depend upon it! I trowe when arches roof ye brake, And tunnels pierce ye thycket, e cried, ” She will not weepe, but uppe and take A firste-classe seasoun tycket | She hath already a cycle got, She rideth it near and far ; And next she ’ll get, or I’ll be shot, A moderne motor-car! ” JOHN (For he, though brave, was human), “*Tis never merry in the green wood, Since Marian turned Newe Woman!” Forth then went brave Rosin Hoop, With a most mournful cheere ; The tears out of his eyen ran, And fell down by his lere. “Gramercy!” cried he, “ neath the green- wood tree, This hour is sure the sorest! I ne’er did thinke to live to see Railways in Sherwoode Forest!” A SEASONABLE SUGGESTION. Dear Mr. Puncn,—About this time of ~ en it is customary for tea-dealers an Clubs,” with the aid of the weekly sub- scriptions of their customers. As a rule, the Christmas bonus includes, besides the succulent bird, several bottles of ardent spirits, a pound of tea, and a quart of ampagne. Will you permit me to make a suggestion. I would propose that a company should be formed to supply the public with a number of yule-tide hampers, at the cost, say, of a guinea a-piece. For that sum pu rs should obtain (1) a pass to the continent enabling the voyager to travel (lst class) through France, Aus- Then uppe and blubbered poor Lirrie victuallers to start “Goose | tria, Germany, and Russia. (2) Coupons for hotel accommodation (premier quality) sufficient to last a month. (3) A tourist outfit, with fur-lined overcoat. (4) Half a dozen best whiskey. (5) Half a dozen best brandy. (6) A travelling library, includ- ing the works of Dickens, THACKERAY, Rupyarp Kipiine, and Waiter Besant. (7) An insurance ticket for £1,000. (8) A concertina or a musical box (playing twelve — at choice. (9) A bicycle. (10) A portable tent. (11) A conversation book in four languages. And (12) lastly, a war- rant of naturalisation available for every country in the world outside the United Kingdom. | There, Sir, is the idea. The effect would be that ’Arry and ’Arriet would be lured away from their native land during the festive season, and possibly be induced, | later on, to take up their residence perma- jnently away from home. Surely this | would be a direct gain to the entire com- | munity ? Yours genially, A ConrrrMEepD GRUMBLER. P.S.—I might add that to make “the new Goose Clubs” appropriate, not only in purpose, but in name, the geese might be supplied by the shareholders. fAt the Close of the Racing Season. Owner Go frvend, pointing to disappoint- ing colt). here he is, as well bred as any horse in the world, but can’t win a race. Now what’s to be done with him ? Friend (suddenly inspired). Harness the beast in front of a motor-car. He'll have to travel, then.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemegr 12,

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| * Decemper 12, 1896. } | a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 285 y aid Dewk le Ayrwe “- -s. LABOR OMNIA VINCIT. Zz ee 4 a -_ NEW SPORTING DICTIONARY OF FAMILIAR LATIN PHRASES. (LABOUR OVERCOMES EVERYTHING, ) DARBY JONES ON WINTER KEEP. Honovurep Sir,—The curtain has rung down upon that fine drama the Flat Racing Season, and the Royal Turf Theatre has been let by the Clerk of the Weather to the Variety Company which can do such wonderful feats with Hurdles, Banks, Ditches, Brooks, and Fences. And even the Clerk is a bit of a Clown himself. Look how he killed sport at Newmarket last week. Opening with a prospect of skating, and then drenching the Earth like a consistent London water-cart does the streets a rain and a a turning the thoro ares into plo fields. Paddling about a sloshy course with great Blobs of Damp hitting you heavily in the optics is not my idea of Sporting Pastime; but then, you see, hon- oured Sir, without this stick-hopping di- version during the months when Rude reas and Co. exercise their right to draw draughts at sight, where would many of our Fellow-creatures be ? Winter Keep is a very serious matter, more weighty, I assure you, with a good many Britons, than is either the Evil Con- duct of the Sutran or the Presentation of Ancient Poetry to the American Ambassa- dor. Of course a Turfite, who has worked hard all the season, and brought off a Good Thing at the backend, concerns him- self but little about the Hopping, Skip- ping and Jumping. He feels like a man who has espoused an Heiress, and departs to celebrate his honeymoon in the Sunny South, where he knows that he will run no chance of being made ill by the hospitable Saeed and indiscreet wine-bibbing of an nglish Christmas. But the unhappy t who has been rolled over like a cocoa-nut from a stick by the cruel blows of pitiless Fortune, is constrained to try and mend his position. He puts his nose to the grindstone of S le-chasing and Hurdle-racing, with a determination to become as sharp as those who lay up “leppers” for the winter like the dor- mouse does his store of purloined cereals. He has a Hard Task before him. There are no people so astute as these Hoppers, Skippers, and Jumpers, especialy when they hail from the Island of Potatoes and Dublin Prawns. You will see some oa coated brute that you never heard of be- fore come shambling on to a course with the sction of a rhinoeerous, and then, heigh presto! before you ejaculate “John Robinson!” or “Richard Crusoe!” this same anti-diluvian quadruped has landed a retty little stake and a much larger col- [ection of bets. The meeting and the country have been picked for him, of course. “It’s the difference in obstacles as does it,” said the descendant of the Kings of Tipperary to me last week. And he is right, Sir, without dispute. I’ve seen a tip-top flyer, a crack Bullfinche: Bo-| from the Shires come down into West Hampshire, and be pounded into cat’s meat by an ugly New Forest pony with a head on him like a coal-hammer. But he knew how to jump on to banks, not try to fly them. But this is, as XeNoPHON remarked, 1 digression. Even the never-say-dic “Boys” often get “left” at the illegiti- mate sport, an in, be seen, like so many sparrows, pecking ibout Piccadilly Circus for the means wherewithal to satisfy their occasional aunger and ever-constant thirst. Newmarket Windsor, Plumpton, et id omne genus, as you say in the classics, never want for trons, when a sensible man, if not basking on the Riviera, would be warming his toes before one of those sea-coal fires, which | have found no cheaper since the City dues were removed by Act of Parliament. And down one egg ew iy of the a ag, even 7) ying the slight odds ot 6 to 5 on Mr. A. Lawson’s Revert thi | and del verting to ngs personal and deli- cate, I am glad to believe, Sir, that, obe- dient to a fine Sense of Honour, you have no attempt to make ac- quaintance with the Lovely Lady, and I have set such a watch on her correspon- dence that I am sure you will never receive doubt ue Vals Geb Ject ubt you are expecting. am not ~ ous, but there is no man more Conserva- tive of Property than Your lynx-eyed Servitor, Darsy Jones. [We expect no Christmas Card from any lady, lovely or otherwise, As an amateur detective D. J. | is simply ridiculous.— Ep. | SPORTIVE SONGS, A Bachelor visits a Lifetime Friend, who has married a fair Lady. I’m staying with my old friend Brown. Jiis country house is on the Down That stretches to the sea ; A pleasant nook it holds between The pines, that never lose their green, But ever young shall be. I’ve known old Brown since he and | At Eton met, and by and by From Oxford sallied forth To travel on the Continent— No matter where—I think we went East, West, and South and North. I’m sure we got into disgrace, And ran like madcaps many a race We could not hope to win ; But that’s the eager fault of Youth— It never knows the pungent truth Of Waiting to Begin. Old Brown and I for many a day Would let Time roll—we loved the play! *T was like a football match, When at the Wall or in the Field We resolutely would not yield Till forced our breath to catch. And so we mixed our cares and joys, A pair of very foolish boys, And kicked the ball of Life ; And then we parted. Now I find Old sympathies are left behind, For Brown has got a wife! A charming creature, fair to view, With amber hair and eyes of blue, And such a winning smile! The sort of goddess one might deem To be begot by painter’s dream Of pertect woman-style. should ice and snow set | And so ; Wye, Sandown, Kempton, yet there are some Absolute Gifts to be | picked up for the —_ a stance, as supporting such a performer as ; —s kot the ye in the N Grand Military. It was shelling peas to plank , for in-| And yet somehow I do not care To waste my glances on her hair That shines like liquid gold. Nor do I seek her eyes divine Nor care to hear her voice with mine Blend in the stories told. No better hostess could there be ; She ’s always looking after me Like some well-cherished gown. I think that my dislike is due To Something that is all too new— The awful change in Brown! Very Approrriate.— Mr. Berrsonm Trew ned, at the Knickerbocker Thea- tre in rica, with Seats of the Mighty.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Decemper 12, 1896. Arms; Quarterly ; lst, a pyrotechnic carnival dis tropical cocoa-nuts statant sable (three shies a penny barrow, supposed to be charged with bod issuant from three bars blatant on a field 2nd, three British of Queen Boapicera ; 4th, an arry dotty. Crest : An ase’s head re- gardant reproachful, probably charged on the body with a juggins ——e tell layed proper; ; ord, an ancient } Supporters: Dexter, an arriet plumed and garnished somethink like, yer ; sinister, a coster arrayed pearly to the nines, charged with a concertina all proper. Second motto; A regular beno. [It has been decided that arms shall be devised for Hanipstead.” —Daily Paper ] READY-MADE COATS-(OF-ARMS) ; OR, GIVING ’EM" FITS! Lorp L-No. Arms : Quarterly ; 1st, three bars wait fretty in the wings ; 2nd, an heraldic pavilion, or changing-tent proper, outside a pair of heraldic dancing-pumps also fairly accurate ; 3rd, inside tree ‘alls a (k)night; 4th, a professional’s brougham passant beween two ’alls ’eraced. Crest: A lion comique rampant in garb base to the last degree, holding in dexter hand an heraldic parapluie slightly out of repair all proper. Supporters : Dexter, one of the “ gods” regardant, inclined to repartee; sinister, a denizen of the fauteuils d’orchestre eachinnatory to the last, charged on the breast for distinction with a solitaire of the first water. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. G. A. Henry, of the marvellous pen, fights one of our great battles over again At Agincourt, where “the one jolly English- man” knocked the bloom of the flower of French dilcuter ‘into a cocked hat,” as our interested and very British schoolboy re- marks. Especially as the hero had to encounter the “ White Hoods ” of Paris. In his other book, the young naval adventure: is launched with Cochrane the Dauntless on the troubled waters of South American seas. Then there is The Loss of John Humble, by G. Norway, and it will be that boy’s loss who does not read it. Lastly comes Violet Vereker’s Vanity, in which Anniz E. Armstrone (“more power to her elbow!”) tells a charming story of a girlish folly. All the above-mentioned are to be found in the stores of Biackiz & Son’s Book Cellars, whose address must of course be sought in a Directory of Darkest London. Horn Book Jingles. By Mrs. Artaur Gaskin. (Leadenhall Press ; Simpxin, Marsuaty & Co.) Another illustrated book for smaller folk, though the idea of what our great-great-grand- mother’s Horn Book was might be a trifle beyond the grasp of even our modern babies. ese dainty jingles may enli hten them, for the nineteenth-century babies are he. © well ad- vanced, and the Horn Book should get on well if it can only blow its own trumpet. In Bohemia with Du Maurier enshrines Mr. Fetrx MoscHe.zs’s recollections of happy days spent in Belgium with our lost “Kicky.” It shows he. as in intimate company he was up to the last, lighthearted, full of fun and good fellowship. It was his early manner—this also preserved unto the last—of drawing | sketches at the head, tail, or on the margin of letters to his | friends. Mr. Moscre:es has preserved over three-score, which | are reproduced, and add soallie to the pleasure and interest of the simple annals of student life in the fifties. Whilst Dv Maurier was studying and larking at Malines, there came a time when, literally, a shadow fell upon his life. He had lost the sight of one eye, and a cheerful doctor told him the other must needs follow. It seemed the end of all his hopes and ambition. But he bore the trial with unabated cheerfulness. “If one can’t open he said, “one must do something eclse—write perhaps,” e added, in a flash of unconscious prophecy. One cannot know too much of Du Maurier, and my Baronite finds in this volume many pleasant echoes of a voice that is still. In The Herb Moon (FisHer Unwin), Jonn Oriver Hosses’s latest story-book, my Baronite finds all that cynical mood, rapid insight into character, carefully-polished and sharply-barbed sentences, that attracted him in early days to Some Emotions and a Moral. Here, as there, plot is not the authoress’ chief stand-by. She tells again the old, old story, how two — poorte love each other; how misunderstanding comes about, an ow they part. He becomes a soldier. She might have married —not a market-gardener, but a baronet. She resisted the tem tation, and he, coming back from the wars with the Victoria Cross, marries her, retires from the army, goes into Parliament, and “it is said will be in the next Cabinet”—a very happy chance for a retired colonel, who, apparently, has not yet been even a Junior Lord of the Treasury. But The Herb Moon is avowedly a fantasia, and all things may happen under it. Mrs. Harroby, who nearly marries Rose to the ncn is an enter- taining person, reminiscent of Ethel Newcome’s protectress, Lady Kew. The volume is enriched by a charming sketch of the authoress. Mr. Asusy Srerry’s Tale of the Thames, brought out by Buss, Sanps & Co. (what happiness in the name of this firm of pub- lishers! Do not Briss and Sanps suggest a series of, say, Beatitude at Broadstairs, Merriment at Margate, and Rapture at Ramsgate?), will be found a charming companion by the winter fireside, when it delights the gallant young watermen and waterwomen to recall the adventures of their happy summertide on the River Thames. Likewise will the book be invaluable as an entertaining guide to water-parties who love to take their pleasure “down ‘Henley’ way.” Mr. Sterry knows the ropes and how to work the lines. Take him as your guide, trust to him to show you the river, and consider him as Mr. Ashby Steery. The illustrations, by W. Haruerett, are delightful. Pity they could not have been, appropriately, in water colours. : Of prettily-got-up books, suitable to most times, and to Christ- mas time in particular, Joun Lang, the active brain of the Bodley Head, produces not a few. Among his latest is The Children, by Auice Meynewu. Its natural simplicity is its great charm. All who are interested in children at Christmas time—and who is not ?—will have their pleasure enhanced "%, reading this little book. HE Baron.

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Decempgr 12, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. = ‘i A PLEASANT PROSPECT. Friend (running down for a day or two to Brown's “‘ little place”). ‘‘ RATHER A PITY YOU HAVEN’? ANY CABs OR BUSES HERE, I8N T IT 1” Brown, ‘‘Piry? NoT A BIT! WHY, WE HAVE A GRAND THREE-MILE WALK BEFORE US; BUT IF YOU ’RE NOT A GOOD WALKER, WE CAN SAVE A GOOD MILE OR 50 BY CUTTING ACROSS THESE FIELDs!” [Friend rather wishes he hadn't come. ECONOMICAL REFRESHMENTS. (At a Dance in aid of a Dispensary.) Tovcn not that fatal lemonade! That claret-cup, I have a notion, Is like the drinks the Boretas made— A healthy, hospitable potion ! That sherry is an English wine ; They give us drinks they “didn’t oughter,” Perhaps to suit some tastes—not mine ; I’ll take a glass of simple water. And ices, too, like those are sold On any barrow for a penny ; Small boys survive them, I am told. No, thank you, I will not take any! Oh, doctors, did you plan this dance That to this fact we might awaken— ere comes to all of us by chance A time when physic must be taken ; Dispensaries are needful, so We, having made a contribution, Should after such refreshment go Ourselves to test your institution ? As we Live now. Go-ahead Squire (to rector’s factotum). Well, Rinewe.t, what can I do for you? Ringwell. Master’s compliments, and could you oblige him, Sir, with your motor- car to try the ice on the parish pond ? THE “NEW BOY.” (His Rules for Parents during the Holidays. ) 1. AL parents must get up early in the morning, in order to e%e that the house is made perfectly comfortable before the chil- dren come down—fires in full swing, rayers over, newspapers aired, and break- ast laid. 2. Bread and milk, and porridge are for- bidden as articles of food. The daily bill of fare to be submitted to a committee of children. 3. Bikes to be supplied to all children, with, when space permits, at least one motor-car. 4. Smoking cigarettes everywhere to be permitted. 5. Late dinner every night, but no grown-up parties. 6. List of amusements, theatres, dances, &c., to be arranged by the children on the first day of the vacation. 7. No holiday tasks, and no lectures. 8. No fixed time for going to bed or rising in the morning. 9. Pocket-money, as settled by abitra- tion, to be served out every day after breakfast or lunch. 10. All rooms to be free for romps or | games. 11. All servants to obey orders from the ;children, without heeding the habits or ‘wishes of parents. 12. No slops to be served out. Cham- pagne every night. 13. Noise must never be objected to. Football, when desired, in all the passages. 14. It is distinctly to be understood that any breach of the above regulations will entitle the children to Go ON sTRIKE, and remain out till a handsome indemnity has been paid and apologies offered. 15. It is also understood that the word “parents” includes grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins (grown up), guardians, and all other tyrannical persons whatsoever. Curistmas Carps.—Booklets and calen- dars of most suktle daintiness come from those artistic firms of s Warp and Rarnagt Tuck & Sons, who have politely left their Christmas cards on us at our office. Muiscu & Stock evidently decided that “it’s humour we want,” and so, on a good Christmas Mischion, they have set out with a Stock of quaint novelties. A New Game.—There is an uncompro- mising sound about “Table Football,” which, being brought out 4 “Woour & Son,” sounds suggestive of “ bear-fighting ” in the dining-room. But it’s a quiet game. pews keep the Woolf from the door. Let im in. Apvice To A Dgmacogre. — Remember that it isn’t Mann who disposes of both land and sea. eae Pieler, ln Sates a i PRE at OUTS RMB: ee Scant

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 'Decemper 12, 1896. HINTS FROM OUR INVENTOR’S NOTE-BOOK. Tue Inranr-Carrier. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED FoR TwINs. AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE. A MARRIAGE. Dear Mister,—During that I write the notes for my guide, in visiting the english towns, I am alldays very content of to have the occasion of to observe the manners and the habitudes of your compatriots. I have spoken there is some time of a “croquetparty ”; at present I go to describe a marriage. He goes without to say that, after to have received the in- vitation, I expedite a little cadeau de noces, a little gift of nuptials, to the charming miss. That it is precisely as in France, and one cannot mistake himself. But I wanted, je manquai, of to mistake myself otherwise. Naturally I have the intention of to go to the church in black habit and white cravat, also as in France. For not to mistake myself I ask to one of my friends, also invited, if one carries his habit, his frac, at the church, and he responds that yes, one carries his frac coat. Therefore I dress myself after the déjeunrer, and I attend this friend, because I go with him to the church. He arrives a little in delay, en retard, and the instant that he perceives me he cries hims:If, “ Bijove, my dear fellow, did not I tell you that at a wedding one wears a frac coat?” “Eh, well,” I respond, “I have put my frac coat. Why have you not done of same?” “You mean,” says he, “you are going to put on your frac coat? But you cannot wear it with an evening waistcoat and a white tie.” We say all this very quick, being so pressed. “For why not?” I demand, “and also why are not you ready?" “I am,” responds he “Tiens! How that? You wish to say that one goes to a marriage en redingote?” “In| a frue coat, of course.” Then I comprehend that in english a frac is a redingote, and also that I have not one instant to lose. Aided by my friend, I throw my gibus, my frac, my white cravat, my white gloves, and my other habits, I put a grey cravat in marine knot, a redingote, &c., I seize my hat high form, we descend to the carriage, and as quick as possible we go to the church, where we arrive much in delay. The church is filled of world. Not only all the parents of the charming fiancée, the female affianced one, and all the parents of the male affianced one, and all the inviteds, but also of other persons, some women, even some childs, who are entered for to see the marriage. As in France, it is a spectacle for them. By consequence we are obliged of to rest all at the end of the nave, and I see not anything of the marriage. In effect the women hold themselves unright all the time, and the childs are even on the benches, all regarding the ceremony. However it the fine, between the heads of my neighbours, I see to pass the auptial cortége—the new marrieds, the misses of honour, and the witnesses. Then all the world precipitates himself in the street, ind after some time we find our carriage, and we go at, chez, the mother of the young spouse. There also much of world, for that which we call in France “un fivoclock” or “wn lunch de cing heures.” The new marrieds ‘eceive in the saloon the felicitations of their friends, and me ilso I give to each one a shake-hands, and I say, “ All my feli- sitations.” Then I am presented to some ones of the ladys and to the charming misses of honour. And al] the world goes to see the beautiful gifts of nuptials, exposed in the hall of billiards. As in France the friends have given enormously of théiéres, tea- pots, of saliéres, salt-pots, and of bonbonniéres, goodies-pots, but there is much of objects of more great value, in jewellery and n goldsmithery, as well as in silvery, and also some cheques. Ah, the charming cheques—not of Panama! During all this time one can not to seat himself in any room, it cause of the number of the assistants, and all simply also be- vause he wants, il manque, absolutely of chair. It is very fatiguing. However, in fine the new marrieds go themselves iway to the station, and me also I can to part for to repose my- self at the hotel, where I put my black habit and my white cra- vat, without fear of to mistake myself this time here, for the ball of the evening. It is a ball of the most ravishings. MeI dance with the charm- ing english misses just to the fine. That they are adorable! So | gay, so animated! And all the time that I speak they have | the air so amiable, so smiling, from the moment where I say, | “Will you accord me a valse, miss?” And I conduct of them someones to the buffet for to take a gazeous lemonade—ah no, it is a squash of lemon !—or an ice, and more late all the world goes to the supper. Then we dance still; there is the Dance of the Barn, and a dance all new, the “ Washington’s Post,” very | droll in effect. At three of clock and half of the morning it is finished, I give a shake-hands to the amiable hostess, and [ | part with thousand thanks of her gracious hospitality. Agree, &c., AUGUSTE. AT NAZARETH HOUSE. A very practical Christmas Carol. Gop bless you, merry gentlemen! Does misery you dismay ? Remember Charity, like Love, will always find a way. And as the Christmastide draws nigh when Charity, at least, Would bid the sufferer’s soul rejoice, and let the poorest feast, Let grateful thoughts of Nazareth, and all the boon and bliss That name still brings to bruiséd hearts in so sad world as this, | Rouse you to service of your kind, the spirit’s best response To the Great Service done by One for all! He who but once Has passed the threshold of that door wide open unto all At Nazareth House at Hammersmith, is evermore the thrall Of tender, loving memories. Spontaneous there hath sprung. In service of the very old and of the very young, Needs bitterest extremes, a spring of charity and love As pure as inexhaustible. From sources high above The dusty level of our days such streams must ever flow ; But rains that fall on loftiest heights enrich the plains below. And piety and passionate humanity combine To perfect Charity’s best work. Wouldst have such work be thine, Not in devoted hermitage, but as a quickening gleam Amidst life’s daily battle-task ? Then help to swell that stream Which freely flows for old and young, for every class and creed. From Nazareth’s nurturing ministry. Great ever is the need Of rilis auxiliar, for the wastes of London’s life are wide ; Poverty’s parching thirst is sore, sorrow on every side Pleads mutely for compassionate aid that overtaxes still The scant resource of Christian love, the coffers of goodwill Help swell them! ’Tis a Christian task that brings a doubie boon To self and to the suffering poor. Send freely and send soon! Go, see the sisterhood’s good work, sick children taught to smile, And old folk in safe hermitage. It shall be worth your while, And leave sweet recollection. Nought will be rejected there, The modest dole, the cast-off garb, the broken food, the prayer! All who \ pane mark at Christmastide, love, grateful heart, glad hope. : At Nazareth House in Hammersmith shall find most fitting scope.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— December 12, 1896. WELCOME ALWAYS, KEFP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MOREELA CHERRY BRANDY. DELICIOUS—COMFORTING. Ack for GRANT'S, and doen't be putoff with inferior makes. FRERES’ EVERY HOME Ex PERFECTLY HOLLOW CROUND. FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. Ploughs, 3 gg Horse werk nt, Fodder Presses, gines, and Portable ieleay. FOR PLEASURE AND PROFIT. nee SO profitable and Sy to grow. 80 po. cf Saleable Trees. Bushes in variet Packin and Carriage free for Cash with pe “i other Nursery Stock carriage fi woinPOTS From 15). a doz, | Ornamental! Trees, 9 A Superb Col. — hey a Her us Pian Four ‘eres of Glass. Clematis (80,000) from 15 -doz. N.B.—Single Plants are sold at slightly i prices. CENERAL CATALOGUE (oO 170 pages) of Nursery Stock, artstially A_,,% containing pm “hull of valuable information, free on receipt of 3d. for postage Please mention this Paper- --RICHD, SMITH & CO., WORCESTER. 8i- per doz. 60)" per per 100, | “PUNCH” is being set up every week by Gro | NON-MERBCURIAL hd wef be the Best and Safest Article Hlectro-Plave, @c. Six Pate ee Sold everywhere, in Boxes, le., 2s. 6d, and 4s. 6d. “APENTA” Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers. Prices: 6d, Is., and 1s. 3d. per bottle. Sole Importers: THE APOLLINARIS CO., Lto., LONDON. THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER.} 4b BEAUTIFIED by Photographs and |Photogravures after | Celebrated Bullies ’ Ivory, : the ee _— Black, Ct | %tSeeS /Uustrated V- | T. TURNER & co. works SHEFFIELD, Catalogue Who will supply through nearest Agent. NEW HKOND STKEET, LONDON, W. Axk for “ Bucove” Pocket and Table Cutlery. BERLIN PHOTOGRAPHIC CO. ¢ SALSAM OF , SAVORY & MOORE’S INFANTS’ FOOD "Rae wae BEST AND MOST ECONOMICAL WORTH et Cie. Under Royal Patronage SPEGIALITE . ’ A separate department fo Ge-tlemen for every phoned Re sa by Chemists throug ghe yut the world, Ko pea of Corset whe = be withe yut it aris ; Neral, Roberts, hhussels, Vharmacie De acre G ONLY ADDEESS : it. ytterdam, > 134, NEW BOND ST., W. Neconnection wi itm Ww. orth of Paris. ‘POWELL’S BALSAM ANISEED. or COUGHS, ASTHMA, one HITIS, &c =|BORWIGK'S nten Kolff, baieneay eh Prepare d only by THOMAS POWELL, Blackfriars Road, Londen. EPPSs's | CRATEFUL—COMFORTING COCOA GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. | me lovel ay 2° ~~ feneea » Hair of any colo 7 4 Kola only by Md winti =e. 7 - Ox lord Bt., London I Price or tinting grey or faded ais eMIXM any al taalver SUCHARD’S COCOA. Nature’s Choicest. Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. JOSEPH giiLoTT’ ™~ Of Highest Quality, and Having Greatest Durabilit sare Therefore CHEA -ROSBAGH Mart Imported Original Cases of HEERING’S CHERRY BRANDY, containing 1 doz. Bottles, or 2 doz. Hal Bottles, make MOST ACCEPTABLE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS and may be had of all Wiae Merchants» PACKHAM’S TABLE WATERS ARE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER Manufactory, Cro) do Highest Award at Foo 4 and Ce ookery Ext tion, London, May 1896 and 1800. As Supplied to H.M. the QUEEN HOVYVIS BREAD. HOYVYVIS BISCUITS. 6d. and 1s, samples on receipt of stamy See that all Bread is stamped “ HOVIS.”’ If any difficuity be experienced in obtai ing “HOVIS,” or what is supplied : satisfactory, please write, sending (the cost of which will be defrayed) to S. FITTON AND SON, MILLERS, MACCLESFIELD == POWDER ‘FRE BEST TABLE WATER IN THE WORLD. | 'D! RIDGES. Pa . and a Tent atlehea cqgn “Vel Brandy. BE iain ra a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Dscemser 12, 1896. N ow Ready. “a A PICTURE GALLERY FOR ONE SHILLING! PEARS ANNUAL CHRISTMAS, 1896, CONTAINS TWELVE WHOLE-PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS IN COLOURS, By J. C. DOLLMAN, RIL GEO. C, KILBURNE, R.I. FRANK DADD, R.L EDWARD F. BREWTNALL, R.W.S. sixspence. *rice I/lustrative of the subject entitled “FROM CHRISTMAS EVE TO TWELFTH NIGHT:” Or, “A Real Old-fashioned English Christmas.” By the Editor, JOSEPH GREGO, APPA P LIF It also contains a story of Yule-Tide by GEORGE R. SIMS, entitled, “Once Upon a Christmas Time.” With Nine Illustrations by CHARLES GREEN, R.I., “ aienaen COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.” ; and HERBERT RAILTON. By CHARLES GREEN, RJ. Reduced facsimile of one of the Three Plates ; Original siz-, 344 by 27 inch s. Printed in Fourteen Colours. THREE LARGE PRESE NTATION | PLATES, IN COLOURS, Printed in the best and most Artistic Style, also accompany the Number. uv; *,” As the whole Edition is always sold before«r within a few days of publication, early application is neces- —_ to secure a copy of this artistic and marvellous production. 1% PRICE ONE SHILLING A= j j 7 “DEPARTURE FROM THE INN YARD.” Postage 444. tn the United Kingsom. By HUGH THOMSON. Reduced facsimile of another of the Three Plates ; Original sise, 24% by 16} inches. Zar DIINCH AIMANARK és 2n0w on sale at all the Bookstatts, Booksellers and Newsagents. in Siz Colours. Published by the Proprietors, Messrs. A. & F. PEARS, Limited, 71-75, New Oxford Street, London, W.C. ; and by Messrs. GoRDON & Gorcs, in Melbourne. Sold te Booksellers and Newsagents all over the World. William Stuart Smita, Loraine Roed. Hollow ay iddlesex, at the Printing Offices Bradbury, & Co., Limited, wee Oy yy tt Ditefriars, in the City of Lae ante ESS Mery Senate: We “Pince burvet, in the Parish of Ou. MeidasCiey of London -Sarcanat, December 12, 1606.

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ea” NOTICKE.- a OFFICE, 85, “FLEET STREET,“ LONDON. “CADBURY'S COCOA “ Represents the Standard of highest purity at present attatants in Cocoa.”—Twue Lancer. —

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now Lane GREY'S POPULAR NOVEL. 8vo, Art Linen, Gilt Top, &. THE POWER OF THE DOG. by RoW! AND, GREY, Author of “In Sunay Switseriand * * By Virtue of + Office,” * Lindesbiumen,” “ Ch “An Speer = | written, — Teter and tnterest- ing tale .. . singularly engaging must be pro- pounced s book of charm and of promise.“—Srescsa. “In bie treatment of character the author eusen tially right , he never makesa falsetouch We congratulate Mr. Grey on his story, and even more upon his title. It is strikingly original, and ed- mirably calculated to lure the reviewer into reading the book out of its turn.”——Dartt Onaonicrs. Londoa JARROL D & BONS, 10 and 1), Warwick Lane, E.C. At the Libraries and of all Booksellers. INSTANT RELIEF for all afflicted with TORTURING SKIN DISEASES in a Single Application of PUNCH, OR THE READY THIS DAY, THE SECOND EDITION OF LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemprr 19, 1896. MELLIN’S FOOD BISCUITS. DIGESTIVE. NOURISHING. SUSTAINING. For Children after Weaning, the Aged, Dyspeptic, and for all who require a Simple, Nutritious and Sustaining Food. Price 28. per Tin. Samples post free from Mellin’s Food Works, Peckham, S.E. —___, QrENT _ COMPANY'S ~ YACHTING 3, Rp - Ae “¢ yoerrame aT ter, from Lonéon as ne “wast SYP Ceasers For TEN NERIPPE, the BERMUDA, &c., oad sacar sane WEST INDIA I3LANDs, 13, ans Mareh \« For MOROCCO, aud leaving February 17. returning A a Barr, or E, CONSTANT. NOPLE. &c.. | fF oe M. eaving Marci returning Ma For PORTUGAL, iuoR0cco.boRs TCA ITALY and SICILY, leaving April 21 p00, bons “— May 21 String electric Hght, electric bells, hot and ec id baths, high class cuisine. Managers: F. Green & Co., Anderson, Anderson &('o. Head Offices, Fen chureh Avenue. For passage apply to a la ter ~~“ HBAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (ihece.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World of Novelties in High-class Jewellery. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FRBE. GOLDSMITHS' COMPANY, (Absoinine Sreascecoric Comrant.) Show Rooms: [12, REGENT ST., W. PERFECTLY SIMPLE. SIMPLY PERFECT. (iticura Curiouna Worxs Wonpens. and its cures of torturing, disfiguring, humiliating humours | are simply marvellous. Sold throughout the world. Price: Currcuna, 2,4; Soap, 1/-; Resorvert, 2/3. F. Newserr & Sows, 1, King Edward Street, London, E.C. * How to Cure Every Skin Disease,” post-free. “FOR THE BLOOD I$ THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all , Eezema, Bad Legs, Blood Diseases, Pimples and Sores of all kinds, its effects are mar- vellous. It is the only real fic for Gout and Rheumatic Paina, for it removes the cause from the blood and bones. Thousands of wonderful cures have been effected by it. In bottles, 2s. 94. and 11s. each, of Chemists everywhere. | BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. C!GARES JOY ASTH MA CIGARES DE JOY (Joy's Cigareties) afford immediate relief in cases of ASTHMA, W HEEZING,and CHRONIC BRONCHITIS. Appreciated by Physicians and sufferers all over the world. Easy to use, certain in effect, and harmless in action, they are recommended for use by young and old. Chemists & Stores in Boxes of 3 at 2s. 6¢., or post free from Negistered Trade Mark. “§. MORDAN & CO.” Pocket Kodak in Much Ado,” Act I., 8e. 1. UNEQUALLED for and CLEANLIN Aso ron Baowsx Boors, POLISH Parent Leatusa, Vanwie ~~ THE OL oa AND BEST. SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD. MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lto., And retailed by all first-class WILCOX & OO., 83, MortimerSt., London, W. EE _ tobscconiats at home and abroad. A dainty little camer, weighing only 7 ounces. Can be slipped into the pocket, Makes pictures 1} X 2 inches. Loaded in daylight —no dark room necessary. Achromatic lens, with three stops. Improved rotary shutter always set for time or instantaneous exposures. View finder. Counter. Complete with roll of film for 12 exposures, £1 Is. EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd. 15-117 Oxford St., London, W. Write for descriptive pamphiet,post free. “PASTEUR” (Chamberland) FT LLTE R. “The Standard of Efficient Filtra- tion.”—Bairisn Mepicat Jovewa.. “A real preventative of water- borne disease.’”’—Laxorr. To be had at the Stores, most Filter Dealers, or from the Makers. J. DEFRIES & nt ree @ 147, Hounsprron, Loxpos, E.C. _ ~ at 5, Fenchurch Avenue, 1 or te est- End ranch Office, is, Cockepur “, 3.W Sacon,: ¥ ‘For Baiheaie “Children. SQUIRE'S HEMICAL FOOD. In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 6d., & 6s. each, AT ALL CHEMISTS axv STORES, ano oF SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty’s Chemists, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. | THE ONLY SAFE WIGHT 1/7 | LIGHTS. Scld everywhere, JEWELLERS. > Orat axp Diamoxn Hatr-soor Brace.er, 2 to £50. Orat axpv Diamowp Hearst Opat ~ ag Orat axp Diamoxp Orat axv Diamoxp axp Tis Baoocn, Baz Broocs, gant Riva, Dianorp Trevor be £5 To £10. £12 to £25. Brooca, rzou £25. e

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—$_—___ CHTING ISITANIA, tous regi,- I3LANDs, € Mareh \« ud EGYPr, Fea the latter B.C, or te

Decemser 19, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 289

Sa a

A MODERN PEGASUS. Purchaser. ‘‘CAN HE JuMP?” Irish Dealer. ‘Jump? BEDAD, IF YE WAS TO PUT HIM IN A FIELD, YE’D HAVE TO PUT A Lip ON Ur TO KAPE HIM IN!”

SALLY, OUR SALLY! (English Version sung by an Ecstatic Frenchman on the Great Day of Sarah Bernhardt’s Art- A potheosis. ) Arr—‘‘ Sally in our Alley.” Or all the artistes svelte and smart There ’s none like our Satiy. She is the crown of Gallic Art, And to her shrine we ’ll rally. No actress born, however grand, Is half so great as SALLy ; She is the darling of our land, Beloved ex-cep-tion-ally ! Of all the days in this great week Fame will red-letter one day And that’s the day that came between This Wednesday and last Monday. For “ Toute France,” drest in all its best, Crowded to worship Satty, And see her canonised by Art Most alle-gori-cally !

What was the Excitement about ? Onty that just as Madame Caramen (of the famous bonbon , Noveat et CaramE.) of Bond Street, was serving the Duchess of Hyprrion with a pound of sugared orchids, a burly stranger, evi- dently an agriculturist up for the Cattle Show, entered and exclaimed, “I say, missus, put us oop a crown’s worth o’ brandy ls and mint drops to take whoam ta the youngsters.” No wonder that the Duchess and Madame simulta- neously fainted, that Sir Reeivatp Cart- BEAU upset his fragrant chocolate over his irreproachable pantaloons, that the exqui- site Hebes cried “Murder! Police!” and that the burly stranger beat a hasty re- treat, muttering, “Well, I’m danged if this bain’t a sweet-stoof shop for loo- naatics! ”

A VAGABOND FIELD-MARSHAL. [At the New Vagabonds’ Christmas Dinner, on December 9, Lord Ronerts (who is about to pub- lish his reminiscences) claimed, as a soldier, to be an old vagabond—a father of vagabonds among the New Vagabonds. ] Come, Vagabonds, and divagate, Vagarious and various, Extravagantly up-to-date, Gregarious, hilarious! We’ve gained last week a new recruit, A vagrant like the rest of us, A V.C. and a r to boot, Who soon will prove the best of us. A veteran and a hero, too Has joined the ranks of vagrancy ; A vagrom old before he’s New, Is Bobs in fine full flagrancy ! He’s of the stuff that’s made our race E’er readier through the centuries To rove and roam from place to place Where fighting and adventure is. Bohemia’s latest denizen We toast with free festivity, Here ’s to his sword, here’s to his pen— More power to their activity!

At the ‘‘ Nut,” Portsmouth. First Midshipmite (reading from paper). “The French fleet is avowedly the least fast in the world.” Second ditto. By George! What a bad chance the poor devils will have when they have to run away!

AT THE PLAY-HOUSE. Evangeline. Why is this called the dress circle, mamma ? Mamma. Because the stalls are the un- dress circle, dear. SPORTIVE SONGS, A Bachelor of none too large fortwne, living in Chambers, having distributed Christmas om himself receives a ‘‘ Tip” of great ue. Tue Time of Tips is drawing nigh, ‘ips wing nigh is ; The open hand, the eye, The love for eating . Proclaim that he awaits the prey That he has long marked down— He will not have me say him nay, He ’d take my last half-crown. The crossing-sweeper holds his broom Like pistol at my head, And in the thick December gloom Proclaims I must be bled. The waiters at the Club prepare For coming showers of pelf. I must subscribe—the list is there Upon the mantel-shelf ! The dustman, beedless of neglect That laid me up for weeks, Develops now a smirk respect aiming what he seeks. Yon postman, whom I know too well As harbinger of ills Asks ransom, while he wields the spell Of countless unpaid bills! That paper boy, who always knocks With fierce and fiendish cry, Anticipates a Christmas box— He knows I cannot fly! His comrades, imps who love to pick The paint from off my door, Will get, not any vengeful kick, But halfpence, as before! Our housekeeper, a ay soul, ’m sure, with double keys,) Who on my cellar levies toll, Must have her double fees! Our porter, such a surly beast, Who will not touch his cap, Shall have a sovereign at least, Though I have not a rap! Their satellites, a ravening band— I do not know their names. Indeed, I cannot understand Why they on me have claims. But all of them, I’m gravely told, Have for me done much work— Pour out the coppers. silver, gold, My duty I ul not shirk! A beggar for the nonce I sit, But by no care opprest. The Yule-log burns, the lamp is lit, The whiskey’s of the best. I too have got a tip at last, The happiest of my life. You give it! Hang the Present, Past! Next year I'll have a wife! In a Birmingham Smoke-room. Young Roseleaf (to histrionic stranger. who says that he was at Ozford). Of course you keep up the traditions of Alma Mater? Histrionic Stranger (slightly fuddled). Alma Mater! Rather! You should have seen her in burlesque, my boy!

In the Billiard Room. Major Carambole. I never give any bribes to the club servants, on principle. Captain Hazard. Then I suppose the marker looks on the tip of your cue with- out interest.

VOL,

cxt, <2 SSS

. 7 ee vvradivimered ST he

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 19, 1896.

| |e ae SE i , EIGHT MILLION POUNDS Is BID,—ANY ADVANCE on EIGHT John Bull. “Guineas!” Ned 7 Ay a E lu o w z ° So = ° So % od = | & Zz = So a < =a ~ = iS °o al 4 z - = & A 8 £ ay Ss ae < ey i? 2) a“ = bh — a x < oa oe i) oO Pod = e =x ° ice 3 3 x % = MILLION POUNDS?” Si HY] iH) - . = /A) SSF} \V/ ~ : ig) LA) /) } 4 * Sania QS = ae) ma) WY ee UY ' ‘ “yey “VLAN i aN SQ . SS SQ * “SN SSS ~

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Ducemser 19, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ANXIOUS TO SELL. Dealer (to agg” ‘an, whose mownt has noT answered expectations). ‘*How MUCH DO YOU WANT FoR THAT Nao o’ yours, Sin?” oe Ez Hunting Man LL, I’LL TAKE A HunDKED GUINEAS.” Dealer. **MaKe IT SaILLives.” H. M. (delighted), ‘He's yours!” x WHAT MR. BULL THINKS. CONCERNING SOME WHO TALK ABouTr Him. (Wih apologies to Hosea Biglow.) Some say if J. B. were a sensible m He would j jz ust stay at home “Ay Took after his folk ; bag | tight my island make all bape - can, nd into no Bat 9: —_—- poke. Boss of the sea, - that foreign palaver’s all ‘fiddle-de-dee ! ! ain’t it terrible? What shall we do? e can’t block his road on the billows—that’s flat. Guess we shall have to combine, do not you? And go in for pig ig fiesta, great guns, and all that!” fins some L. 8. D., And says, “ For their two ships I’ m game to build three!” Uncle Sam is “ a dreffle smart man” : He calls Joun a “Gold Bug,” a iler of pelf. If consistency now were a of Sam’s p Spite of Bryan’ po —* » he would look to—himself ! f = thes L. 8. D. Can be wentea well put in dollars, says he. Count Posapowsxy declares that the Strike At Hamburg is bossed by Butt’s capitalists ; And that German leaders and workmen alike Are seduced Bot J.B Traders, whom Tom Mann assists! / Ay Teuton Count P. Spyeth “ English i Shippers” ” where no shippers be. The Frenchman hints that the murder and pillage Which still the sick air of Armenia Are stirred up—for gain—in our big British village ! Well, Bux in the ba won't pose as @ saint, But (Though he loves L. 8. D.), To stop them but waits till his censors agree. The Northern Bear growls, “ But is still on the make!” Now Bruin, of course, is an innocent beast, Who Constantinople would scorn for to take, And has not an eye on the Chinese far East. But J. B. Says a view of the sea And “warm water” might suit travelling Bears—to a T! Plain English would dub these a cag as lies! They are nothing on earth but {on ‘wm | The “ Vampire,” the “Gold Bug,” ie Pe or buys His way to the Le ke at a bogey, a hum. jan ‘smiling, says “Tt may amuse them, and it doesn’t an me! “Young Bryan—he ’s scarce learned the lesson of life— Thinks me the Gold Calf in top-boota and tight coat. Young Wrmetm, whose music is al] drum and fife, Deems me a pee slave to the Tease ¥ vote. though they ’re so free Ay pictures of me They do not know much Tif the real J. B. . siege it’s a mercy I’ve man b. tell me 'y, perfidious fellow ~~ though he on pap they will not compel me take angry ans = the truth’s real jam. Whils’ be % health and free, Won't buds oveny Gane coments UE lloas out ‘Gee!’”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 19, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunesno Jaspersee, B.A.) No. XXXL. Mankletow v. Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr. Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury_in reply. My aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very Sostunatety preserved the literal transcript of my concluding oration, whic: ** Jabberjee’s face gradually lengthens."’ “a = a feeble idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity. Versatim Report (unofficial). Baboo Jab. May it please your mighty honour and great notori- ous gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the locus standi of barrister-at-law, crawling a towards your footstools as a suppliant, and already I per- ceive from your benevolent and smirking visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbrued with serpentine wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the ad captandum charms of feminine cajo- leries. Indeed, Iam a Re penniless chap, if not almost completely dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered and fatherly benefactor, Hon’ble Sir CummERBUND, would infallibly have testified—— The Judge. As you did not think proper—no doubt for ex- cellent reasons—to put Sir Cuetwynp in the box when you could have done so, Mr. Janpersze, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now upon the evidence he might or might not have given. Baboo J. I beg to knuckle very a to your lord- ship’s argument. The fact is, that the said Sir , on he | could be capable of them! ing my answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my friend WrrHERINGTON’s cross-examina- tion, handsomely stated that I had left nothing for him to say, od lead modestly that he might be excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in this Fools’ Hotel of a worid, and it is the moral impossibility for me to pay any es whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks—until I encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lackadaisy, Sirs! though I left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in nce and solicitude between two stools! (Roars of laughter.) Misters, like the frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless ee, I reply :—“ For you it may be facetious ; but to m it is a devilishly serious affair!” For, after be- holding the plaintiff here and discovering that she had advanced rather than retrogaded in physical attractiveness, I made cordial approaches to her, but she sed me by with a superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely en in flirtatious conduct with her curly-pated juvenile solicitor! (Sensation.) Witherington, Q.C. (rising). My lord, I really must protest. There is absolutely no justification for the defendant’s outrageous insinuation. I am informed by Miss Manxigtrow that she simply asked the gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts! The Judge. I fail to see, Mr. Janpensex, what advantage you can oy to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is lite my immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the trial of which you have the smallest right to complain. Baboo J. I am highly satisfied by your lordship’s obiter dictum. Not being in such a coign of vantage as your honour’s excel- lency, I was misled by the propinquity of heads viewed from the rear. Now, before again becoming a sedentary, I am to propose a decisive test of plaintiff’s bona fides in desiring my insignifi- cant self as a spouse. Herewith I beg humbly to have the honour of renewing my formal pro of marriage, and more- over will pledge ee in most solemn and business-like style never on any account, whether so permitted by laws of country or vice versd, to take to myself a single additional native wife in her lifetime. is handsome offer is genuine and without pre- judice. (Great laughter, and some sensation in Court as JABBER- JEE sits down.) k Witherington, oc: Your lordship will see that this—ah— rather unforeseen development renders it necessary that I should ascertain the piaintiff’s views before proceeding to reply. (The Judge nods ; thless excitement in Court while the intiff’s solicitor carries on an animated conversation with Mr. W. in undertones.) ‘ Witherington (rising once more). Gentlemen, I have, as it was my duty to do, consulted the plaintiff respecting the unusual course which the defendant has thought preeee to take. Her answer to his proposal is the answer which I am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the circumstaaces. (JaB. beams.) The plaintiff, gentlemen, has undergone the severest ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be called upon to endure (“ Hear, hear!” from Jas.), and out of that ordeal I think you will all agree she has come absolutely unscathed. I need hardly say that she is incapable now of harbouring any unworthy sentiments of rancour or revenge. (JaB. beams more effulgently stil.) t-fnt) * . But, gentlemen, there are some injuries which, as you know, a woman may find herself able to excuse, to palliate, even to con- done ; but which she feels nevertheless operate as. an insuperable and impassable barrier between herself and the individual who (JaB.’s smile becomes a trifle less assured. After ‘he disgraceful and unmanly attempts the defendant has made to evade his obligations; his enuous defences ; insulting innuendoes; after the deplorable exhibition he has made of himself in that box; and especially after the sombre picture he himself has inted of the domestic future he has to offer; after all this, 1 ask i gentlemen, is it likely, is it possible, is it even conceival that the plaintiff can retain any

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December 19, 1596.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

293

respect or affection for him, or have sufficient courage and confi- dence to entrust her happiness to such hands? (Jas.’s face gradually lengthens.) Once, it is true, under the glamour of her own girlish illusions, she was ready to expatriate herself, to endure an alien existence, and ~~ Saawe and customs for his beloved sake ; but now, now that her ideal is shattered, her dream dispelled,—now, it is too late! Gentlemen, my client’s answer is—and it is one which will only command your increased respect:—“No. He has broken my heart, undermined my belief in human nature, cast a blight upon my existence. (Miss M. sobs audibly here, and Jan. is visibly affected.) Much as I should like to recover my old belief in him, much as it would be to my worldly advantage to marry a wealthy Bengali barrister with talents and influence which are certain to lead to — a in his native land (Jas. bows, and then shakes his in protest), he has made me suffer too much, I cannot accept him now!” _(The learned Counsel then dealt exhaustively with various tions of the case, and concluded thus.) Well, gentlemen, I not have to trouble you with many further remarks, but I will just say this before I sit down:—The defendant, amongst in- numerable other ingenious excuses, has pleaded for your indul- gence on the score of poverty. He has the brazen eleenbenr to ey pou. forsooth! after complacently admitting, in that x, that he is earning at this very moment an income by his pen alone that — be envied by many a hardworking English journalist! I do not say this by way of making any reflection upon the defendant; on the contrary, gentlemen, I consider it does credit to his ability and enterprise. (JaB. bows again.) But at the same time it di effectually of his allegation that he is without means, and indeed, leaving his literary gains en- tirely out of the question, it must have been obvious from what you have heard and seen of his manner of living in this country that he is amply provided with pecuniary resources. Bearing this in mind, gentlemen, I ask you to mark your sense of his heartless treatment of the laintiff, and the mental and social injury she has suffered on his account, by awarding her sub- stantial damages; not, I need scarcely say, in any it of vin- dictiveness, but as some compensation (however i uate) for all she has gone through, and also as a warning to other ingratia- ting but unprincipled Orientals that they cannot expect to trifle with the artless affection of our generous, warmhearted i maidens without paying—aye, and paying dearly, too! for the amusement. (He sits amidst somone.) , a "= ee ae udge 4. om a me unch. am n disappoin that my frien Wamanenest divalé tars shown himaclf a perfidious, and have taken the liberty as he quitted the Court to murmur the plain- tive remonstrance of “ Kt tu, Brute!” into the cavity of his left ear. My solicitor, Sipnzy Smartix, is of the opinion that my case is looking “a bit rocky,” but that much wi depend upon how the Judge sums up. a pity that, | to judicial red- tapery, ys ited from popping in upon him at lunch and importuning him to pronounce a in my favour!

THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE NAVY. (Fragment of a Nautical Romance & la Charles Beresford.) Ir was, indeed, a magnificent sight. The whole of the ship’s company were beat to quarters and waiting the signal for an The fine old iral stood on the modern equivalent or the quarter-deck, surrounded by the senior officers. He and his captain, his navigating lieutenant, and a score of other sub- ordinates. fle had reason to glance proudly at the apology of a mast from which gaily flew his pennant. “My lads,” he cried through a speaking-trumpet, “and under this title I salute both bluejackets and redcoats, remember that the eyes of the world are fixed upon you. And now, Sir, give my favourite signal.” pon this the well-known combination was run up, and the fleet in general, and the crew of the Stupendous in particular, were desired to recollect that “ England ted every man to do tn duty.” The familiar token provoked the customary applause. Pe And now, my lads, one word more,” continued the veteran ~~ of ys eet, still using - i pores “You = ore you the enemy—come to close quarters with him, grapp with him and defeat him. Bear in mind that no éoumnentor can go wrong who, without further direction from me, crushes his nearest opponent. And now three cheers for Queen and country, onthe & ms deafeni d then the responding to shouts were ening, an men Z the whistles of the boatswains, flew hither and thither in all

mae ff

ed \ ~ A | i yr “7 MO, ' YY on) es M) “Ui /, " * ‘, “ea y ' WY,

iTHE NEW HANSOM CAB-GIRL (A Suggestion fortthe Railway Companies.) _ “In the name of Netson,” shouted the admiral, using an invocation reserved for moments of the fiercest excitement, “what is the meaning of this? Have I not commanded my be- loved vessel to e with the enemy, and here she floats like . log of wood =e ane of a —— water- utt! What is meaning of this strange inaction The old sailor used a stronger epithet than “strange,” but the word chosen must stand as a substitute. But for all the cries of the admiral, the commands of his officers, and the activity of his crew the good ship made no progress. She rode the waves like a painted ship upon a painted ocean. cy Then there was a hurried consultation, and the junior cadet was chosen by his seniors to give the required explanation. _ “ Tf you please, Sir,” began the young gentleman, in faltering tones, “ it is not our fault. “Not your fault!” thundered the admiral. “Here you are, six hundred strong, and you can’t move afoot! Not your fault, indeed! Why isn’t it your fault, Sirrah?” Then came the explanation, uttered in broken accents, by the trembling youn ¥ “Because, Sir, in spite of all our men, we can’t cause the engines to move. The fact is, Sir, we haven’t got a stoker!”

An Ancient Irish Missile. Ws take the inonias same from the Dail port of a lecture on “ Life of an Old Irish recently at the Wcrkmen’s College :-— “ CucHULINN was a type of all the heroes of Ireland. In all his conflicts he displayed a high sense of honour and of chivalry. Being opposed by a great number of foes, he was called upon to cast away his spear. His sense o honour was so great that he threw it at his foes, and it went through the heads of nine men.” Ohronicle’s re- ero,” delivered

directions. But, strange to say, the Stupendous did not move.

It must have been an exceptionally keen sense of honour.

all

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 19, 1896. AMATIAY dik LUCA a mn ; uy ‘ HH gt aN Nhe iyi ! Pun Wat feed aA Leal gel 0H mL a UT Wey Pet aics Mi Hit} PRET HL NL mu Mit hig ' ’ \} | ; } [ AL VN BTS Pitty / 4 hominem rine Be LN Hi ul | ¥ Y /, NW Z “4 \\te ZZZ i (ZZZ i a ali MT LP Atay -« TlopR me TUM ii Titi HOPELESS CASE.° Hostess. ‘‘ WHY DIDN’T YOU COME TO US ON SaTuRDAY! I sUPPOSE YOU HAD SOMETHING BETTER TO DO?” Admiring Visitor (nervously). ‘‘No, I assuRE YOU ON THE CONTRARY, IT WAS SOMETHING MUCH WORSE!” — | ° . r | told. Young Denys, by Exzanor C. Price. An interesting tale OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. of an Englishman with the great Narotzon before the turn of Ture are, my Baronite complains, few phenomena more tire- | the tide that bought Waterloo. He went “Nap” and lost. some than a clever child when trotted out by a fond parent or Another romance of more subdued historical surrounding is an affectionate, though unmarried aunt. In W. V. Her Book The Black Tor, by G. Manvitiz Fenn, which takes us into rural (Isuister) Mr. W. Canton has adventured the a ntly im-| Merrie England in the time of James THe First. Go and get peasitte, and has accomplished it. He has tt page A wt these books from your Chambers (Messrs. W. and R. “of that k about an infant prodigy. W. V. has the soul of a poet. | “Tr They will be most acceptable gifts at Christmas. Once, all unconsciously, she commenced to supplement one of the “greenery yallery,” but much more of the decadent the most beautiful passages in WorpswortH by communicating |“yallery” school are the fantastic pictures by Mrs. Pzrcr reminiscences of what had happened “before she came here.” D#anmer which adorn Wymps, a other Fairy Tales, by Her remark was proffered with comprehensive wave of tiny hand | Eveuyn Suarr. (Published by Joun Lanz, the Bodley Head.) round our poor planet. Being here, walking in spring-time ugh | The 5 brilliancy of the cover alone reveals something of the the garden, she notices that “the bushes have their hands quite | hidden — of these charming new stories. Such extrava- full ef flowers,” and wants to know “whether the buds are the | gance in yellow and green ought to pique the most jaded appetite trees’ little girls?” This and much else is simply told at length of any nursery pessimist who is fin de siécle au bout des . not too extreme. Occasionally the ecstatic father, emulous of | With the muster of so good a company as JOHN ER the habit of Mr. Silas Wegg, drops into poetry. Here, also, the | Hoppes, Max Bezrsoum, RicharpD LE GALLIENNE, Barry Par, influence of the child is predominant. The verses entitled Mrs. Motzsworrn, &c., The Parade, 1897, edited by Gumrson “Crying Abba Father,” written about the little maid, are in- Waits (H. Henry & Co.), is a magnificent gift-book for some comparably the best of the collection. | more than ordinary girl or boy. The illustrations are numerous, Just a simple story is The Oriel Window, told in her charming | and delightfully quaint. er ; . way by Mrs Moteswortn, for quite young people. The pictures| Greatly doth the Baron’s artistic heart delight in the first are by Lestrz Brooxe. It is published by Bacems2.am & Co. | pare of the enlarged series of The Magazine of Art as out d ? Cassett & Co. who give us also an exquisite edition of SHertman’s Rivals an The frontispiece, which is a reproduction School for Scandal, delightfully illustrated by Epmunp J Atma-Tapema’s picture, “In my Studio,” would look SuLiivan. better were it mounted and framed. A rtrait of Fisner Unwin, whose name suggests some Waltonian pisca- | Atma-Tapema in the biographical sketch by Mr. Srreumann is torial work, publishes a eallsciben tf Cat and Bird Stories from | about as unlike the Auma-Tapema himself as any picture pro- the Spectator, showing how the harmless, necessary domestic | fessedly a portrait could well be. But the photographs of the ani is, above all things, a humourist ! Doubtless the Specta- | interior of the Tapzma house are charming. The article on the tor has heard many a good thing of “ cat-and-dog life.” Art Movement induces us to hope that Beardsleyisms or Bellisms From F. Warne & Co. we have The Riders; or, Through | will never be applied to playing-cards. Under the headin of Forest and Savannah, by A. Russan and Frepericx Bortz. | “Notes and Queries” an inquirer is informed as to Sir JoHN “I’m a-going to the Sawannahs,” were dear old John Willett’s |Tuxnrmt’s contributions in water colours to the Royal Institution last words. ow he would have enjoyed this book! A capital | and of his “ Leonardo da Vinci” in mosaic, on the west wall of story. South Kensington Museum. i Catalina: Art Student, by L. T. Mmapz. i “Everybody,” writes Kare Dovetas Wieain, “is is Oo with nothing in her character that might be her best in the presence of children.” That depends upon indi- by the first syllable of her name. i vidual cases on both sides. But there is no doubt that Karz

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Dercemper 19, 1896. = ~ > ae > “The scheme,’ em maritime outlets, ‘‘ Chi ’ set ae = Ss == - a —s So» —~ a — rae “SEASIDE LODGINGS.” Russian Bear. “ NICE VIEW OF THE SEA! JUST WHAT I WANTED! THINK I’LL TAKE ’EM!” bodied in the new Treaty rted as having been quite recently concluded between — and China, gives the former ports in the warm water, and even allows her to plant her garrisons in Chinese territory.’

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Decemper 19, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 297 Dove.as (my Baronite cannot away with Wiearn) is at her very best when she takes a child by either hand, or sits beaming in their abundant company. Marm Lisa, her latest book, pu by Gay anp Brrp, is the story of a waif and stray, men- tally, morally, and—not least important—physically warmed into life by Ts hands. Lisa was the self-appointed guardian of Twins, less Heavenly than any known in modern literature. Atlantic and Pacific they were christened, and the combined ocean is scarcely sufficient to cover their iniquity. How little Marm Lisa, “ having all the sorrows and cares of maternity with none of its com ting joys,” tended these Satanic imps, what pranks the played, and how finally she found rest, is a story told by Karz GLas with that rare combination of humour and pathos that is genius. Tue Baron. IN THE ST. JAMES’S WOODS AND FORESTS. EXceLLent.y well has Mr. Grornez ALExaNnpER placed on the stage the As You Like it of Divine Wim. Out of the London fog and damp into the sunny forest of Arden. “ Arden” is the cockney unaspirated pronunciation of “Hawarden,” and a ars Abad apne § oft An INTERVIEW. Mr. G-rge Al-x-nd-r (to Immortal Actor-Manager-Dramatist). I hope, Mr. Shakspeare, this play is “ As you like it’’? Immortal William. V’ faith, good Master George, ’tis something “like it.” Marry, they say J spell ruin; but, look you, ’tis but transposing the old letters, and here is new matter: aye, and ‘‘ matter most attractive,’ methinks; how say you? the thoughtful manager has certainly lost one point in not em- phasising this by insisting on Mr. Geoncz Hawrrey, as William, & up so as to suggest the only Wi11aM who, in our time, has been associa with “’Arden.” By the way, Mr. w- TREY’s William is very droll. Some great comedians have been cast for these two parts of William and Audrey—the latter is taken by Miss Kare Puiiiies—and scored enormously. Except in the wrestling scene, which is carried out with great spirit, there is nothing for Mr. ALEXANDER as Orlando to do; in » a8 far as acting goes, it is a one-woman piece, and the one woman is ~~ Mise Sh Renee § is most fascinating in appearance, and exceptionally g in her singing, gaining a double encore for pg song. When Orlando first sees her in boy’s attire, he is struck by her resemblance to Rosalind. But had the real Rosalind been only so sparsely disguised about the as is Miss Ngmson when im epee ongiaat Orlando could have had no doubt about the sex of t pretended boy ; and this criticism also to her hands. two best Rosalinds I remember wore high-necked doublets, looking gloves. Miss Nzrison’s fault much less. Yet will her Rosalind remain in the minds of play- goers as a pleasant memory. Mr. W. H. Vernon is perfect as Jaques, his only error being, in my humble judgment, that looks too pleased with the song which he has demanded only to sneer at it. A most artistic rform- ance is that of Miss Fay Davis as ia. way in which Mr. James Fernanppgz, as the exiled duke, thoroughly enjoys the gene | boar’s head and real apples, furnished at the Arden picnic, and how he, in dumb show, his mouth being too full for —o presses everybody to follow his example, is a lesson to all histrionic beginners. wicked brother Oliver, pls ed by Mr. H. B. Irvine, who repents, and falls in love wit the Fay (Davis) of the Forest, loses a chance of “ good business”; for when Rosalind, hearing of her lover’s hurts, turns pale and faints there is close at hand a babbling brook of real water, which wil run as long as the piece suggest that a handful of it gathered in a dock-leaf and sprinkled over Rosalind’s pallid brow, would help to restore her to con- sciousness. But, strange to say, this idea never occurs to the crafty Oliver, nor even to Celia, and certainly not to Suaxs- PEARE, who had never contemplated the fouedt ate roximity of a running stream of real water on the stage where his forest of Arden was located. Altogether a delightful evening’s entertain- ment, with quite an Elizabethan, Christmassy, finish of masque, revel, and epilogue to send the audience away rejoicing. AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE. La Cére p’AzuR pu SussPxsHIRe. Dzar Mister,—At Brighton, of who I have already spoken you several times, one finds a at town, absolutely without com- merce, absolutely occupied to receive the voyagers—town of hotels, of pensions, of furnished houses, at little near, a ag pres, as Nice. And of more one finds at Bnghton enormously of new riches, of financiers, of lenders of money, often making display of an ostentation and of a vulgarity absolutely insupportable, also at Nice. Hasting, more sheltered and frequen by the olds and by the ills, resembles to Menton. tburn, with her | her trees and her villas, resembles perhaps a little to Jannes. But Monte Carlo? Ah no! He wants absolutely in the Sussexshire a town as Monte Carlo, the town who is—as would say some parisian journalists, writing the french language of a fashion ignored of our great writers—“ le féerique z-vous de nos plus élégants mondains, la merveilleuse principauté de la Cote d’ Azur, oi régne une délicieuse et printantére température.” In effect a site of the most beautifuls, and a temperature truly springy, but a vulgar and pretentious little town, frequented by a crowd still more vulgar and pretentious, a crowd of persons the most “ flashing,” as one says in i Very amusing to see, without doubt, but not a terrestrial as pretend those parisian journalists who are subventioned by the direction. Naturally there is not of Monte Carlo in England, because the game is there absolutely defended and absolutely unknown. In some circles, or clubs, the ish play to the “wist” for the pieces of six pennys, and in houses of the particulars, des rticuliers, without silver—* for love,” as they say. But the accarat, the roulette, the thirty and forty, and the poker are entirely unknown in your country, n’est-ce pasf You are so serious, so correct, you play to the chesses, aux échecs, or, if you desire a e@ more ery, more léger, you play to the ladies, aur dames. fh well, the brave bu of : days to the dominoes, that which is enough sad, I avow him! t is curious that one finds not in the Sussexshire a Monte Carlo, with a house of game. Would it be possible of to establish a house of game—only for the sh J gory the “ wist for love,” the chesses, and the ladies, well , bien entendu— and of to have a “ fairyish render-yourself of our most elegant worlders ” on the english of Azure? Figure to yourself, Mister Punch, the ; the vivacity, the intrain of a such town! Figure to yourself the innocent gamers searching a party of chesses, or ing themselves to the border of the sea after to have played to the ladies! Voila, see there, a true terrestrial paradise, that all the world would praise, without subvention ! And me, Avousrs, I have found her, this town so delicious! She is at the border of the sea, not too much far from London at one half hour from Brighton, as Monte Carlo from Nice, an enjoying of a climate soft and , and relatively springy. I have visited her, at present all deserted, and I have peopled her in i ination of the cosmopolitan crowds, and of the worlders, rendering themselves to the english Monte o. Among the inn new compani who the and buff, untanned, rough- is aliihest madi she would effect so much more by doing so es, announces fill your journals, it wants at t but this one, “The hamtymens Society of the — of Workthing.” gree, &. , , and its proximity would at once | my country plays all the a town as |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempgr 19, 1896. ZOOLOGY. “*Tuat'’s A PorkypIng, SARAH.” **No, rr arn't, Brit, It’s a Orstripce!” | CAVE CANEM. | S1rx,—Some little time since, the Spectator | published a letter purporting to be from a v > Zags Wf v i 4¥ | his fox-terrier has formed a friendship with |a Cochin-China hen and a kitten, which | belong to a man who keeps his terrier for him out of college. The hen and the kit- ten, according to the letter, walk down with the terner to the college every day, saying good-bye to him at the porter’s lodge, where they are, of course, refused admittance. The next number of the Spectator contained an angry little notice to the effect that the above letter was a “forgery.” They used to do these things more artistically in Oxford some few years ago. The legend runs that certain under- grads., perceiving a clear demand for dog- stories, and the ability of an esteemed con- temporary to swallow statements which might almost astonish even the Natural History editor of the Field (if that be pos- sible), determined, with the usual kindli- ness and good nature of undergrads., to satisfy the demand with an appropriate supply. They accordingly formed a select little club which met once a week in a member’s rooms, the only condition of membership being the production of an “original” dog-story every week. The stories were read at the weekly meeting, and the one agreed to be the best de- spatched by its author to a friend in the country to be posted. By this simple pro- cess a series of the most ing true tales was given to the world, to the satis- faction of the editor of the esteemed con- temporary, the exceeding glee of the club, the great glorification of canine intelli- gence, and the mighty increase of the gaiety of nations. “Cave Canem.” | Balliol undergraduate, and recounting how *Tis best to Give and Receive. Little Chris. Daddy, if you were to give | me five shillings, just think what a nice | Christmas present oon buy you! y stumps up. | “Brrs” From Bricguron. — Suitable | mctto for Voixs’ Electric Railway, which | was destroyed in the recent gale: “Volks, et praterea nihil.” | INVENTED BY OUR OWN ORNITHOLOGIST. —The motor car-rier pigeon. ROUNDABOUT READINGS. (Letters from Mr. R. to his Nephew at Cambridge, and to Others.) | No, 1V.—Or rue GeneraL KNOWLEDGE oF UNDERGRADUATES—OF THE Socrety or Youne MEN, AND THE PropER EXPENDITURE or Ten Pounps. My paar Jackx,—I highly appreciate the honour you bestow | good upon me when you refer to me for advice as to the best manner of expending the £10 which you say you have just received from your Aunt Saran for the purchase of books. She is your godmother, and in every respect an excellent lady, and she still cherishes the memory of the learned and amiable man who became her husband in the only interval which he is known to have spared from his gocheend investigations into the state of manners existing amongst the inhabitants of these islands before the Roman invasion. In her innocent, widowed retirement she doubtless imagines that the University of Cam- b , of which you have recently become so distingui a member, is a home of calm and studious culture, where young | men spend their days in the laborious pursuit of knowledge | and the acquisition of all the intellectual graces. There—in her mind’s eye at least—they sit, each in his little monastic cell scantily furnished, save for its rich lining of varied books, and scorn delights in order that somewhere in the coming years they may step forth the Hooxers, the Burizrs, the Mmis, the ‘fis Bentuams, the Farapays, the Pirts, the Exsxrves of their age. I know nothing in the world so attractive as a pure delusion. May it please Heaven to keep your godmother constant in hers. At any rate, I trust that her godson, whose library has so nobly desired to increase, has made a suitably grateful acknow- ledgment of her kindness. And now I am going to indulge myself in a growl. Your nature will pardon it, and if my views seem calculated to offend you, pray ascribe them to the crusty prejudices and the blindness engendered by advancing years. I shall state the facts as they appear to me. You can treat them as fancies if you like. Stated broadly, then, my first fact is that young Englishmen, far from desiring to cultivate their minds, abhor the very notion. They are barbarians—pleasant barbarians, I concede, but still barbarians. Some of them can turn out Latin hexameters with accuracy, or Greek iambics both with accuracy and accents; some are admirable in the ed mathe- matics, others stain their fingers hideously yellow with chemicals, or talk with an impassive calm of their gruesome experiences |in the dissecting room; others, again, employ their vast in the “screwing of scrummages” (pardon a possible incorrect- ness of phraseology), or in the propulsion of an ei t-oared boat, or, like swift Casmiza, scour the plain, by which I mean the cinder-path, in search of cups and renown. Each of these estimable young fellows could talk for hours at a stretch on own special subject, but his mental equipment, and therefore

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=* ott a rR BS

DecemBer 19, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

=

"Be eo (ee SU 7 FIRM ano NO SIDE —™ Tae Marquis or H-t-y. * Arms: Quarterly ; Ist, an ecclesiastical service of plate richly chased and displayed or ; 2nd, a gratuitous advertisement under editorial protest erased = improper ; 3rd, a Scotch moor sable dancetté, the ballet H-1l-y or hieland oolichan ; 4th, two rural advowsons legally acquired over the counter on a human hand proper. Crest: an heraldic bovricycle urgent, tyred and inflated all proper, except driving-wheel sinister, which shows signs of puncture on a flint passé. Sw 8; Dexter, a full page puffy in advance announcin new company en a capital of two millions; sinister, a dean complaisant an recipient sable. READY-MADE COATS-(OF-ARMS); OR, GIVING ’EM FITS!

eo. oe Or ———$—$—— vay A <3 pot SS Bem — pur THs ™ Loup K-pi-nG or MANDALAY, Arms : Quarterly ; 1st, a review laudatory richly deserved quite proper ; 2nd, an heraldic jungle-bok rampant under several deodars or mem-sahibs or words to that effect; 3rd, a lordly elephint a pilin’ teak; 4th, an -nautical vessel (in verse) in full sale, classed Al at , charged with a cargo of technicalities all warranted genuine. Crest : a charger argent the of a publisher urgent. Supporters : Dexter, a tommy pr in all his glory, erage ponte by a plain tailor from the hills; sinister, a first-class fi fh i man or fuzzy wuzzy of the Soudan, regardant sable on a Entish square ool with an élan effrontée.

his conversation, are summed up in the word “shop,” and “shop” is to a mind what the protecting stick, that is run through the front of its little chair, is to a child. It saves a fall, but it | Chance also impedes movement. But take an assembly of some of these, the fine flower of the University, and start—if you can—a conversation on some subject of general interest, and I warrant no collection of ruminating cows could appear more stolid. I remember once, in the presence of some young men, making a remark about TrT1an, and being brought up with a round turn by one of them with the observa- tion that he didn’t know much about “these old Roman Em- peror Johnnies.” This is typical, and if you mention a cha- racter out of Dickens, a book by , by THackeray, by Georecr Ex1or, the title of an opera or the name of its composer, anything or anybody in fact that a decently intelligent man might be ex to know about (I make a possible exception in favour of Mr. Jonrocks in the past, and Mr. Arraur Ropers in the present), I ’ll wager a modest competence that you will be met by a blank stare of perfect ignorance. Heaven knows I don’t want youngsters to be prigs. I loathe a prig as the Western American of a former day loathed Indians; but there is a difference between the prig who uses his lack of total ignorance as a bully might use his bludgeon—to prove his superi- ority and to overawe his shrinking fellows, there is a difference, I say, between this nuisance and the man who keeps his mind open and his intelligence alert, who makes it his business to know something not only about the great names and the great deeds of the past, but also about what is going on around him, the movements, the enthusiasms, the art, the literature of the world in which he lives. Such a man will be able to hold his own in any company, and that, too, without abandoning the modest reserve that should mark a youngster. Why, if a man will only consent to read a good review of politics, literature, and the fine arts once a week he must learn something that will enlarge his mind. In any case he’ll be better off than the clod who confines his reading to the cricket averages and the League matches, with an occasional and probably inaccurate excursus into such humour as he can recollect from the back-numbers of his favourite sporting paper. Don’t mistake me, my dear Jack. I don’t pro that you should be a groaning mass of encyclopedic knowledge—in dood, nature has, I f you against any euch danger—bet 1 should is zo" to keep a curious mind, and to satisfy its curiosity by Tull hearts, beatin

something beyond the mere books that you must wade through in order that at the end of your career at Cambridge the Vice- llor may place his hands upon your head and declare you to be a lor of Arts. Again, don’t charge me with wanting to make you a niminy-piminy dilettante with a soul only for esthetics. You are going to be a rowing-man. Well then row with all your might, and talk about rowing to your heart’s content, about your chance of getting a place in this or that boat, the latest the of the sliding-seat, the proper method of combining leg-w with body-swing, or the mar- vellous deeds of some blue hero of the Cam. It is a noble exer- cise, a grand school of the simple, manly virtues, and if, as I hope, you are heartily interested in it, why you must and will talk about it heartily. But every now om then you might let your intense stray beyond these limits and refresh itself at —_ endurin, er x = nd yet, and yet (I must si my inode) is there anything in the world so ~ i 80 ee as the society of young men. One’s old jokes and _ time-tried stories, with what a full-souled appreciation are they greeted, with what a zest does the company laugh—but that is nothing. What attracts is the freshness of the youngsters, their enthusi- asm, their hearty, honest love for what is of good repute, their outspoken contempt for meanness in thought and action. They have hearts—not the dried-up, leathery, dingy ~ my 7 for hearts, that swing feebly in many a mature breast, but sturdily—and they are not afraid of showing that the ve them. And oh, Frep, CHaruzs, and Frank, friends of my early years, you, Warren, Recars, and Dick, you and others, younger friends of a later da , think not that | have done ye and yours a wrong in writing thus, but reflect and tell me if, speaking of the mass, ve spoken in- accurately, or with a wanton malice. But there, my dear Jack, lyrical outbursts are very well in their way, but as Frep and the rest of them will never see these lines there is no use in prolonging this particular lyric. And I find that I haven’t said a word about the books you are to buy with your dear aunt’s £10. But your patience must be at an end. I reserve the books for Guatlew letter. Your affectionate uncle, Rosgrt Rounpasovr.

A Suicutr Dirrerence or ConstituTion.—England suffers from the Poor laws and the Transvaal from the Boer laws.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [DacemBer 19, 1896. Dreary Counsel (in the course of an hour’s oration), ‘‘'GENTLEMEN, YOU CANNOT CLOSE your Eyes—my LORD CANNOT CLOSE HIs—TO THIS IMPORTANT Fact!” DARBY JONES ON HORSE SALES—WITH VARIATIONS. Honovrep Sir,—It cannot be said that those Noblemen and Gentlemen who made Newmarket the mart for the disposal of their equine treasures were as a rule re- wasted © high prices for their four-legged wares. F tps that the days are no more when hundreds would fly about the Ring with the ease and agility of a ball on a lawn-tennis court. We need not beg the God of Memory to carry us back to the palmy era of the Marquis of Hastines and the Duke of Hamirron in order to recall some glorious instances of speculation in that Horseflesh which I am given to under- stand the Parisians prefer to Beefsteaks. And how many of the high-priced Yearling Darlings of the Hammer have we not seen, as Time wings on, disappear with forgotten or dishonoured names, and vanish into that Siberian Gloom which shrouds unfortunate quadrupeds and unlucky bi alike ? And even the Winner of the zure Ribbon of the Turf may in his old age earn a precari- ous livelihood between the shafts of a “showful” or “growler,” just as it would not surprise me, in these ical d es, to come across a once proud Prime Minis- ter dispensing cups of dubious Mocha in the early morning at the top of St. Mar- tin’s Lane to vagrants who could not seater up a Parliamentary Vote among them. Well, Sir, I am the owner of a Cat, whose ancestors once sported in the Palace of the Shah. His coat is as splendid as the garments of that. Potentate, his voice is as musical as that of the bard who hymned Lalla Rookh, and his food is the choicest meat procurable on a skewer. It so happened that the long-time purveyor of these viands recently disposed of his business, and retired to a pretty marine villa— after leaving a card begging his customers to patronise his successor. It so happened that I was looking out of the window when this Ambulant Purveyor called for the first time. Great Wizard of the North! I knew him in a minute. It was the Man who was to have been Pre- mier at St. Stephen’s and Conqueror at Epsom! This was his 1 with horseflesh now. TI have since always avoided harrowing the Past, and preserved a strict In ito, but Liberal tment and Pints of Ale when he calls are and ever shall be His. But to return to my Southdowns or Sales. I fancy that the indifferent barter cf Racers for Cash at Newmarket must not be ascribed to want of either native prin- cipal or interest. Uneasy moments in the Realm of King Barnry Barnato, the scattering of myriad Greenbacks over “Sound Money” across the whale pond, the ceaseless victories of General WrYLzr in the Isle of , the absence of speculators from the Land of the Corn- stalk and the Kangaroo, the closing of Count Lranporrr’s purse strings, and, may I add, the present sway of the all- absorbing Bike and the Coming of the Motor—all combined to reduce the hopes of the Seller to the desires of the Buyer. Sir J. B. Marts, M.P., has certainly picked up one bargain from Blankney in the daughter of the ever-illustrious Her- mit. No one knows better, I take it, than Sir J. B. the value of an A ing Sacri- fice. But without Foreigners or Colonials such gatherings are always devoid of the sensation so dear to the Master of the Ceremonies. A rouble-glutted Russian or a mark-laden German produces the same effect as do the ardent glances of Phebus Apollo on the lively quicksilver of a Thermometer. Therefore a specimen or two should always be secured, even if their travelling expenses be paid, in the opinion of Your loyal and humble adviser, Darsy Jones. P.S.—Yon are perfectly Ovidian in your The Lo disguises. vely Lady, despite the rich Lyons silk muffler wrapped about your mouth, i you at once in the In- truder who on Wednesday night thrust his head into the Cabinet Particulier at a cer- tain restaurant, where we were enjoying supper for two. Beware, honoured Sir, beware! D. J. [Darsy Jones w evidently qualifying himself for Hanwell, while ing the proceeds of his successful wagering. e do not know to what he refers, but we may tell him that a gentleman with a thick stick has anxionsly’ inquired more than once for his address. If he continue his folly we shall give it.—Ep.]} QUITE THE CHEESE. [** Stilton cheese will shortly celebrate its cen- tenary.’’— Weekly Paper.} We understand that on the Earl of Stil- ton attaining his hundredth year, this joy- ous event will be celebrated by a Caseine | Congress, which will be attended by the venerable Marquis of Double Gloucester, | the Due de Roquefort, Prince Gorgonzola |Sir North Wilts, Viscount Cheddar, Lord | Cheshire, Lord Cotherstone, Comte de ‘Camembert, M. Brie, M. Gruyare, Sir | Blue Dorset, Vicomte Port du Salut, M. Bondon, Baron Wensleydale, Graf Pom- mel, Count Edam, M. de Neufchitel, Baron van Gouda, Prince Parmesano, several American and Canadian cousins, und last, but not least, his Highness the Grand Duke of Limburger. To some “ Desienrnc” Pzrsons. — The inventors and makers of a “Mr. Punch’s ink-stand ”—a design attractive as well by its subject as by its novelty, ornamentally, and by its utility, practically—hereby re- ceive the expression of Mr. Punch’s aoese- bation — and “approbation from Sir Hv- BERT STaNwey is praise indeed! ”—coupled with a note of well-intentioned criticism. “The arms of the chair,” the i explanation, “form an excellent 3 Now, this is all very well for occasional writers, or more or less idle persons, but Mr. Punch never even wishes for “a pen- rest.” Sometimes, indeed, he has his pen “in rest,” but that is when, as a chival- ric knight, he is about to bear down upon whatever has aroused his righteous anger. The ink-stand should hold more ink. Knights of the pen are, so to , three- bottle men, as regards ink, and not to he put off with a thimble-full. Messrs. Saun- DERS AND SHEPHERD will see to this. At the Zoo. Professor (to small boys gathered round the brown bear’s pit). This, you must understand, my young friends, is not the ursus arcturus to which the great explorer Nansen refers. Do you understand ? Irrepressible Youngster (shouting with joy). Yes! Yes; he’s Nansen himself, and got to the top of the pole at last! Tur Distressrut Countrr.—“ The Pre- —_ State o. Treland; slightly wormed.” is is neither 4 newspaper report nor a confidential despatch from the Lord Lieu- tenant. It is merely the description, italics included, of Lot 351 in the catalogue of a sale of books by tthose unconscious hu- morists Messrs. Soraeny, Wiixrnson, of Wellington Street, W.C. At the Ascot Ball in the Grand Stand. Captain Splasher. "Krect card full up, Lady Hiany? Lady Hilary. No. I can accommodate you with a galop up to the Royal Inclo- sure. A Scorcn Butt.—The learned but not very Incid book-reviewer of Blackwood says Archbishop Maces “was born two years vounger than the Queen.” At what age does he suppose Her Majesty was born? Svecestion To Mr. FRANKFORT Moore. —A new n entitled A Bird in the Hand, by the author of in the Bush. Two im So evident, that most likely he has the matter in hand already.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Dzscemper 19, 1896.

are, LIQUEUR OF THE * “-G OHARTREUSE. h hout the Kingdom Consignee, Wy DOYLE, 38, (ru tched . London, B.C.

THE “ SCOTSMAN BLEND.” A combination of the t

Sent ace tp ane sa pd the Kingdom onre- = eipt Cy remittance for am er 1M, DEWAR, Ci i i i i i ih hi i nl “PUNCH” is being set up every week by LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES,

Manufactured in THREE sizes at 1016, 16/6 & 25/- EACH. How MR. HALL CAINE WROTE the ““MANXMAN.” “Yes, if the fact is of any conse quence, you are very weleome to that I wrote the *MANXMAN’ the SWAN FOUNTAIN PEN. has become quite i ble me. I can use it with ease and cer- w ainty anywhere, and at any time, en in the dark, in and on he wrseback.” A Pen as nearly perfect as inventive skill can produce. We only require your steel tae and a to select a suita mplete Illustrate! + ong sent post Sree on applicatio MABIE, TODD, & BARD, 93, Cheaps‘de, E.C., 95a, Regeat Gtrest, W., « jor 21, Zensingten High ct., W., WRIGHT Sica wei COAL: :: mae TAR: SOAP

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cooeeeered Be Battioves, 1s. per 100. Thin, for Foreigti Paren, 5 “VRLES. i ae eo Mowing Ropes, oa 3, or ann shale ior auies W orks, 6, Thome’ Sota, Loadda.

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WELOOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY. GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. DELICIOUS—COM PORTING Ask for and don't be put off with jor Makes.

rr) a} with Lady Attendant Bi Bi Be Badd, Cet he At Mei Me he de 6 little practice on the NEW Mo BRET Ho. onatte ne who ays n pre ‘e any CAN REN pr i TRIRD at THE ROAD (ATE Co.'s sHow rooms, ___ 271, Oxford Street, W. A BELICIOUS smo > > . > 4 > > > 4 4 4 » 4 > 4 > > > > > » > 4 > > . > > . 4 » 4 4 > .

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silat me remnant immer es | Vly es di f sypener Sore, Teach e he ase S 1 ye ee B H is sa dia fe yee Rae” Re i ae RA ‘ cs sain

Page 406

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemepzr 19, 1896. seu remmetorus WON’T WASH CLOTHES. MONKEY BRAND SOAP. WON’T WASH CLOTHES. FOR CLEANING, SCOURING, AND SCRUBBING FLOORS AND KITCHEN TABLES, FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR-RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE-IRONS, MANTELS, &c. | REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c. Panto LiTard Biron, in the Precinct of WhitoGham, inte Cty of Lanton, ad posilohad OF tie ole. 6, Plast Btsed, tm the Pash of Strida City of London Sarwnnay; December lose ee

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ENTRATED PURE COCOA \

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — DEcEMBER 26, 1896.

THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE CO. (iz) Head Office: EDINBURGH. Accumulated Fund, 8 Millions Stg. NEW REDUCED

7 WITHOUT PROFITS. Bran in India and the Colonies. MACNIVEN & CAMERON’ $ PENS “They come as s boon and a blessing to men, The P srwie k, the Owl, and the Waverley Pes.” THE FLYING J PEN. aan gh, Pep 64. and ls per Box at all Stationers. Sample lion le, ld. by post Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. | The lovely nuance “ Chdtain Foncte can be

Fw arte to Hair of any colour by using ARINE. ond poly, by W bg 472, Oxterd 8t., London » 10s. 6d., or Cains grey or faded Mair RINE is invaluable

Nothing so profitable and easy to grow. 80 Acres «1 Saleable Trees.

HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS. Bushes in variety. Packing and Carriage free for ‘ash with order. 8 /- per doz., GO/+ per 100. All other Nursery Stock carriage forward. ww POTS From 15/- a doz, Ornamental Trees, 91 Acres, A Buper> Col ection of Herbaceous Plants. Four Acres of Glass. Clematis (80,000) from 15 -doz. N.B.—Single Plants are sold at slightly increased prices. CENERAL CATALOCUE (Over 170 pages) of Nursery Stock, artistically produced, ¢« me bundreds of iiustrations and _ of ape ry information,# receipt of 3d. for

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Luxuriant hair, with a clean, whole- some eral free from irritating and — eru ced 7 OUTI- og Ay for toilet and nursery. Gob Grcnshaes he wertl, Price ls. F. pee perry & Sons, } King Edward St. SCRUBBS seosensi asa Turkish — all Toilet Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing, Etc. Restores the Colour to Carpets. and Jewellery. Of all Grocers é SCRUBB & CO., 32b Southwark Street, 8.E. Z MANUFACTURERS OF SCRUBB’S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP ; fi - | For ACIDITY or rus STOMACH, HEARTBURN,

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leavin N Por Ja 1 March u &c., leavin arch 31, returning Ma | Vor PORTUGAL MOROCCO,CORSICA ITALY. and | SICILY, leaving April .i, returning May 21. | tring band, electric tight, electric bells, hot and le id baths, high-class cuisine. Managers: P. <— _ Anderson, Anderson & Co. Mead ¢ ater ; ohn rch Avenue. - f —- $e appl firm, at 6, Fenchureh Avenue the West-End Branch Ottice, is, Ce ~~t. a, s w ALGIERS.—GRAND HOTEL, Mustapha Superieur. Under En lish ‘ebruary 17. returning A ri) 15. SPAIN, Gkezor,

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Ivory, sana fe pan make Black, G/= Send for Free List of Cases. 4/- From all Dealers, or write direct to Makers: T. TURNER & CO., Won, SHEFFIELD, Who will supply through nearest Agent. Ask for “ Eucore” Pocket and Table Outlery. PACKHAM'S TABLE WATERS AKE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER. Manufactory, Croydon. ROWLANDS’ MACASSAR OIL Preserves. Beautifies, Strengthens the also in Golden Colour, 3s. 64., Ts, me ROWLANDS’ ODONTO The Best and Safest Dentifrice: 2s. 9d., of mena ese Send Postal Order

A. ROWLAND & SONS, Lospos.

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Black, 4/- akers: HELD, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 301 NEW SPORTING. DICTIONARY “OF |FAMILIAR LATIN PHRASES. Exeunt Omnes. (THEY ALL GO OFF.) HARRY’S OWN HOLIDAY LETTER. Dear eee | And “ ‘apres 6 papey jam And not ‘old McWollupum’s annual treacle, Or mawkish molasses of clammy old to tell you (I am! is my own “real Creakle !) That term’s at an end! (Ah! and ain’t I just glad!) My pr this half has been — well, not half bad, Considering what an exacting old beast = is! (Oh! the wind’s in the ast ’ And our ~ is gone out, and my fingers are numb And I’m « joggled” by Juniper Minor (my chum), So please excuse blunders and blots!) I do trust You will deem I have tried (And oh! haven’t I just?) To a! or to you, and myself and the Of MeWollupum, M.A. (Conceited old ool ! f He will stick the alfabet after his name!) My — is top one (I mean at the Of cricket, in batting ; and as for the ball, I have made all all but Sloggerson Major And bo £4 m noid top of my form, (which I But ‘tenth ») I do hope (though the hope’s precious faint) To do better next term. (This one has But Bolderson says that his beautiful been a t sister— Oh, isn’t she, scrwmptious?—declares that my “ form” As bow in our boat is A 1.) It will warm Your parential buzzums. (Oh well, scratch that out ! Saps so fuss about spellin’ and style!) But no doubt You will mark much improvement in—oh, lots o’ ways, In your dutiful son, but you know that self praise Is no recomendation. (Should that have two e’s, Or two m’s? English spellin’s a horrible tease It’s just like playing cricket without any laws ! Hope this weather will last, and that no beastly thaws (That word’s Will bunnick up gotieg? from the Greek Ju says give the root ! ! But what thunderin’ cheek! As if you didn’t know, dear papa! Well, I think I need not scribble more, and this bother- ing ink Is ee as old boots. Oh! the holidays (If you must call it lasting, they do go so st ! fast !) Till the fourteenth of Feb. when we boys must resume Our studies (wuss luck!). I feel quite in a fume To see your dear faces, and “Spot,” the new colt, And Mary, and mother’s mince-pies. I could To-ni - hes for Wollupum’s watchfulness. e Hooray for the holidays! I’ve lots to tell, But oh! bother writing it. news will tarry, So au reservoir! Your affectionate Harry. ON Y REVIENT TOUJOURS. (A Christmas Letter—with reflections. ) - Nanor, as in days of old, I let me make — All girls are fond 7 chocs. — pg Renal gp ge he A Gow: boxes, in my day me a hee addresses !) me £5 Bi a to the sweet”—you know the rule— I think it’s been applied before By me (and many another fool) To _ and other girls galore). sweet temper, too, you know, “aon’t be cross or supercilious, Sweets never used to make you so, Or anything but pleased. "Or bilious.) To similar appeals ss !) For years our friendship we have nursed (Love’s dangerous pitfall lightly skirt- And I am grateful. (Nanoy first Taught me the gentle art of flirting.) I’ve not forgotten yet—have you ?P— One jolly Christmas at the Hall, Those old Pram ug BS skating, too, And Twelfth Night and the servants’ The holly entiinsee made a pile, I helped you with the decorations, And pricked my fingers with a smile— (And sotto voce objurgations). Ah, well, since then we ’ve had our fling, (Perhaps we ’ve neither taken hurt), But, Nancy, was it quite the thine To accuse me now of being a flirt ? Tt may be so (it is, by Jove!) But I confess, it raised my mettle To Ocal you say so! (On the stove The pot likewise maligns the kettle. Perhaps that’s better left unsaid— T won’t, retort !) Of course T know You’re all that’s good, a model maid Whilst I’m a gay Lothario. Yet let the butterfly live his day, Sweet sins from every flower auaffine Don’t break him on the wheel, I nray! (I wonder if she ’I] see I’m ~aed ) At any rate, he’s sending y Good wishes—ill expres, “put still His best good wishes (so T do !)— With kind regards or—what you will, Yours ever—(There’s my autograph. “Yours ever” might mean much. Just now it means I’m more than half In love again with you, dear Nancy!) An Alphabetical Problem Solved. I asxep at this glad season y your love I once a ew true ? And at last I know the reason That T fancied Y was U. Tae True Mernop or T fancy ENsoviIne A | Skate (from our own gastronomist).—A wv beurre noir. To Rezsecrep . — “ Chest- nuts” are now in (season, but Mr. Punch declares he is not “ taking any Tae Great Te Disn THs Cnuristmas.— st with promises.

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302 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 26, 1896. NEW IRISH DUET® Small Irish Farmer and Noble Landlord sing— {LANDLORD AND TENANT, THOUGH CAT A (D DOG, WE ARE BOTH OF ONE MIND WHEN WE WANT # 8S, D.” (Lord CastLetown, at the testing bet in Cork, December 12, to consider the report of the Royal Commission on the Financial Relations between ve ’ England and Ireland, said, “* We ha honour of sounding the keynote in this contest.’’ . . . “‘ We have on our side the right of a nation that has been wronged.”’ . . . ‘* He would ask statesmen, inclined to stand in the way of peace with honour, to pause and think solemnly and wyren feb a ey ution. such as a United Ireland could do when her very life depended upon the result of the contest.” Mr. Hzaty, M.P., seconded the

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December 26, 1896.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 303 SPORTIVE SONGS. Santa Claus-up-to-date presides at an International Christmas- Tree. For ar pay here’s ~o re sixty years old, ‘ th @ lout @ lilt and a merry-go-round! With the jewels of Empire is studded its gold, With @ laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! There are pearls in it shining with sorrow and tears, There are ms that we set with the trials of years, But the K oor-Love makes all joy of our fears, With a laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! Long may he “sound money ” ring! and a lilt and a merry-go-round! had never Sates tomes: tay to bens with ne voy With @ laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! & picture, a drama, a poem, a glee, A large box of soldiers, a fleet for the sea, And all labelled, “For Wizueim, who lives on the 8 yg With « laugh end a lilt and @ merry-go-round! Here a a lover’s knout, of a Muscovite make, a and a lilt and a merry-go-round! Madame Francs wil the delicate offering take, With a laugh ’ And lo! here’s another gift The Box neha ay But of raising the lid let fair Madame beware, With a laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! “For hw ng He pi yn nan in letters of white, a @ lilt and a merry-go-round! On « card that should make —_ ith a and a lilt and a merry-go-r md! ’Tis a Dove that has nestled a fierce bear beside, oe He surveys her with ardour and courage and pride, So the Peace of the World is the Autocrat’s bride, With a laugh and a lilt and @ merry-go-round! It is here! I must give it to whom it belongs, With no laugh and no lilt and no merry-go-round! A Chaplet of Horrors, a Garland of Wrongs, ’ ith no and no lilt and no merry-go-round! It is bound fast with ribbon of funeral black That betokens the sword, and the scourge, and the rack. “For the Sutran!” but with it there’s gaping the Sack, With a laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! “For Italy,” Menzizx’s “Peacemaking Rope,” With @ laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! “For Austria,” packets of “ Bosnian Soap,” With a laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! “For Spain!” a new brand of Havana cigar, With a quick, certain cure for Manilla catarrh, And for t the of “Be just as we are,” With a laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! “For our Premier,” a glove that’s of velvet and steel, With a laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! “For the Hermit of Ha’rden” new lines for his reel, With a laugh and a lilt and a ound! Here ’s a present for “ Antuur,” of “ Office Long Lease,” Here’s another for “ Joz,” “ British Empire Increase,’ And for Harcourt a sauce for both ganders and geese, With a laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! While there’re those to be found Who re-echo the sound Of this gift to the Mill-i-on—“ Plenty and Peace!” ith a laugh and a lilt and a merry-go-round! How the Earthquake took= Some People. Mrs. Joskin (at 5.35 a.m., December 17). There you are, Henry LPHuUSs, as usual, shaking all the furniture about, coming to bed at these wicked and pernicious hours. _ ( although Henry Apo.ruvs had been slumbering by her side since midnight, Mrs. J., even now, will have none of the English Earthqu theory.) Short but not Sweet. Supecianalice Bajodied Contributor (to Mr. P-nch’s Editor, genionsty) - suppose your occupation is always cutting Mr. P.’s Editor. I cut yours. You generally send ’em in too long. [Exit rejected one. PIN ii) | | \ , A | "ul i SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. No. IV. Carol Singers :— ‘OH, REST YOU, MERRY GENTLEMAN, MAY NOTHING You pisMay!” THE CONUNDRUM OF CORUNDUM. Dzar Mr. Punon,—I read that corundum has been discovered by Professor W. E. Fsrrier in Canada! The Echo says: “The value of corundum depends entirely on its abrasive power, and can be easily determined by taking a piece of plate-glass, previously weighed, placing on it a weighed portion of the sample to be tested, rubbing the mate- weight gives the abrasive power of the sample.” R me — a new sort of whiske ~¥ faves , I know that an ex ingly interesting experim of @ simi can be made with the common or Highland liquid and an ordinary tumbler. Having filled the latter with the former, you weigh the same, and then your lips to the glass until the glass ceases to lose in ight by the abrasion: the total loss of weight gives the abrasive power of the sample as in the case of corundum. This is an excellent Christmas and New Year amuse- ment. Yours for selfand corundum, Hamisn MoHacors. Whaup Lodge, Bonnie Blinkie, N.B. A SEASONABLE REFLECTION AT A PANTOMIME. Cl on stage). Here we are a-gain! ; iar, Pittiee (morosely). But at any other time of year you would be a loss! Yah! , . ; [Leaves the Harlequinade to its own devices. Tar Apvawrace or Cuance.—A losing as well as a winning hazard at billiards always replenishes the pocket. rial on the glass until the glass ceases to lose in weight: the total loss of

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 26, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. | (By Basoo Hurry Bunosno Jappersez, B.A.) No. XXXII. Containi ng the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr. Jabberjee's final farewell. Queen’s Bench Court, No. ——. 2 P.m. Hon’sie Justice HongyGa.i is now eumine-se, in such very | nice, chatty, confidential style that it is impossible to hear one | half ‘of his observations, while the remainder is totally inaudible. | . . . » Nevertheless, I already gather that he re the affair with the ap narrowminded view question of damages. ... He appears to be now whether my testimony that I am ‘cf euch excessive natural fenke. ness as to be intimidated by a few threats into my matrimonial engagement is humanly credible. . . . I cannot at all compre- hend why, at his frequent references to my alleged tiger-slaugh- ters—which, with shrewd commonsense sapience, he seems to consider mere ideally fabricated fibs and fanciful yarns—the whole Court should be so convulsed with unmeaning merriment, nor why so stern a Judge does not make any attempt to check such disorderly interruptions. . . . So far as my imperfect hearing can ascertain, he has been in- structing the jury that they may utterly dismiss from their minds ny DS y aaa lea of inability to = any other age of matrimony a polygamous union—surely, a very, ve i shod off-hand method of disposing of cou é nice ‘aecp walt that it is simply the of the Law! . . . He is talking to them about my means, and has thrown out a rather apt suggestion that I may have been led by sheer vaingloriousness and Oriental love of hyperbole into exaggerating my resources. . . . However, he “sees no reason to doubt my competence to pay a reasonable amount of dam- es””—an opinion with which I am not so pleased. “If the jury think me a gay sort of Hindoo deceiver, who has mrt f trifled with the affections of a simple, unsuspecting i > that will lead them to award substantial damages. If, on the other hand, they consider myself an enced Oriental ninnyhammer of a fellow, who has been entrapped into an en- gagement by an ambitious, artful yo woman—why, that ma incline them to inflict a merely nominal penalty.” (But why should like to know, does a Judge, who is infinitely more capable than a dozen doltish jurymen to express a deci opinion, thus ut on the double-faced mask of ambiguity, and run with the and halloo with the hounds, like some Lukeworm from Laodicea?) . . . Now he is mentioning “ certain circumstances, which he is bound to tell the jury have made a strong impression on his own mind.” . . . . Alack, that, owing to the incorrigible mumbling of his diction, I cannot succeed in ascertaining what said circumstances are! . . . . He has begun (I think) to discourse concerning my latest offer of marriage in open Court. What a pity that hon’ble judges should not study to acquire at least ordinary yoctsiousy in such a simple affair as Elocution! “It may strike you, gentlemen, that if the plaintiff had any nuine affection for the defendant, or any actual intention of ing her lot with his, she would——” (the rest is a severe mumble!) “Or again, you may take into consideration——” (but precisely what they are to take is, to myself, a dumb show ‘i. “Still, after making every possible allowance for the idealising effects of the tender passion upon the female judgment, I confess I find it a little difficult to persuade myself that—— (Again I am not in at the finish—but, from the bristling and tossing of Jesstmina’s hat-plumes, I am in t hopes that it contained something com tary to myself.) ... . He has just concluded with the observation that, “ after what they have seen and heard of the defendant during the p the jury should find little difficulty in arriving at a fairly accurate estimate of the loss which a young lady of British birth and bri ing-up would sustain by co failure to secure such a hus- From the last it is clear that his hon’ble lordship meant that, in secret, he has the highest opinion of my merits, though he entirely overlooked the obvious fact that he would have better carried out his benevolent and patronising intentions towards me by affecting (just now) to consider me only a worthless poor chap. But even the most subtly-trained European intellects are curiously backward in such elementary chicaneries! 3 p.m.—The jury are assembling their heads. They seem gene rally agreed—except a couple of stout ones who are lolling k and listening with mulish simpers. If I were certain that they were fellow-colleagues from Punch, I would encourage them by secret signs to persevere—but who knows that they may not be parti- sans of the plaintiff? If so, they, deserve to be ealienls punished for such obstinate dullheadedness. . . . The foreman has asked that they may retire, whereupon Justice HoNEYGALL answers them “ certainly,” and retires his own person contemporaneously. . . . _ 3.15 p.m.—The jury are still absentees. In reply to my ques- tions, my solicitor says that, as far as he can see, t es can’t be under £250, and may amount to a cold “Thou” (or thousand)! Adding that, if I had only let him brief WrrHERInc- TON, Q.C., I might have got off with £50, or even what is nominall called a farthing. But I say to him, in such a case how could ps have acquired any forensic distinction? To which he as no reply ready. 3.30.—The jury are still delayed | the two stouts. I have just attempted to chat over the air with Jxsstmina_ and Modems MaNKLETOW, and ascertain whether the former will not accept myself at eleventh hour as peepee in full of all damages, costs, &c. Mrs. M. replies that jurymen are notoriously in favour of her daughter, and that she would as soon see her in gates of grave as the bride of a black man. On closer approach to Jessmmina, I have made the rather disenchanting discovery that she has rendered her nose lilac from too much superfluity of face-powder. Perhaps, after all, the damages may not be so very .... The jury are coming back. Hon’ble Judge is fetched hurriedly. . . . Mister Associate ‘Bebe eed upon your verdict?” Answered that they have. they find for plaintiff or defendant?” “For plaintiff.” An the damages? “Twenty-five Thou!!!” My stars! O Gemini! Who ’d have thought it? My won compen will never pay the piper for such an atrociously cacophonous tune. am a done-for ! f 3.35.—All right. I was deceived by aural incorrectness. It is not twenty-five thou.—but twenty-five pounds! __ 3.45.—Hiphussar! Coc edoo! A mere bite from a flea! . . . . The plaintiff has fallen into hystericals from disappointed avariciousness. . . . There is some idle talk about costs follow- ing the event, and certifying for a special jury—a luxury for which it seems I am not to fork out. | The case is over. - Outside in the corridor and hall I was the cynosure of neigh- bouring eyes, and vociferously applauded as a FF see old nigger,” and told that “now they dn’t be long,” though for what else they were waiting I could not learn. Hadise Man- KLETOW did overtake me near the doors and invite me to tea and

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Decemper 26, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 305 talk in a coffee and bun establishment, hinting that she had nderstood the state of her daughter's heart, and that she had in reality been ardently desirous from the first to accept my offer. To which I replied that the gates of grave were now herme i fabulous canine, had opportunity in of a twenty-five po note. But, as a chivalrous, I refrained from saying that I had been thus totally put off by an over- EN seteetl ake eal drctnn, o.com nip i. a Lane to a certain , wherein young Howaxp rogaled myse and solicitor very handsomely upon anchovy iches and champagne-wine, after which I returned to Hereford Road full of ovation and cheerfulness. It is practically certain that my sire, the Mooktear, will cocka- hoop with _—— de on hearing » Be of my moral victory, and celebrate same with fireworks and festivities, besides sending ample remittances for all costs out of pocket, &c. So I am now to return shortly to Calcutta, when my time will be too exclusively taken up with forensic triumphs for any further jotting or tittling for Punch, or similar periodicals. After all, for a fellow who is able to enchant multitudes, and persuade their intellects and reasoning faculties by dint of golden verbolatory of diction, mere sedentary journalism is a very e and poorly-paid pursuit! Notwithstanding my cessation as a contributor, I shall, on arriving in In infallibly recommend Punch to all my innu- merable aunts, — and frien as a highly respectable periodical—provided that the munificent and foo-henstal gene- rosity of those Hon’ble Misters, the Editor and Proprietors, shall account me worthy to draw a monthly retiring pension for my distinguished services. And, with [sere F respects to my honoured readers and their respective relatives, I have the honour to remain, ever and anon, Their Excellencies most grateful, humble, and obedient servant, H. B.J OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Says our Critical Baronitess, who has taken in hand The Flame, Flower, and other Stories, written and illustrated by James F. Suiiivan (J. M. Dent & Co.), “Ite most amusing story is the ‘ Lost Idea,’ evidently suggested by a well-known song, * He always came Home to Tea.’” Prince Boohoo and Little Smuts, by Hanny Jonzs, is a modern fanciful romance for children. Science has upset our primitive fairies. Illustrations by Gonpon Brownz, who comes out strong in the ever-fascinating story of Undine, published by Garpner, Darton & Co. Sintram and His Companions is ye a exotic from the forcing-house of the above-mentioned er. Aforesaid Baronitess writes, “I had thought the morals of the naval profession unimpeachable, until, in i ty-T'wo Stories of the British Navy, edited by Aurrep Miies (Hutcuinson & Co.) I discovered that our maritime supremacy with a ‘d-mme, and ended, temporarily, at ‘ , when ‘ Duty,’ with a big D, became the watchword of ‘ Victory.’ ” __ The proverbial “two” used to be “ company,” but, nowadays, it is considered more exclusive to have an odd number. Three Girls in @ Flat, by Eruzgn F. Heppie, might be relatives of our old friends Three Men in a Boat. The Rose of Allandale, by Gonpon Srasizes, M.D., R.N. (Diesy, Lone & Co.), starts with the startling assertion that it is a sensational story of love and crime. Anticipation fully realised for those who like the undiluted, gory romance. The e is somewhat of the pure Adelphian Academic style, which is a bit out of the author’s usual line. Butter Scotia; or, A Cheap Trip to Fairyland, by His Honour Judge Epwarp Assott Parry. A sort of Fairy Cooxer’s personally- conducted tour, following a little in the steps of our dear old friend, Alice in Wonderland. only comparatively new acquaint- ance is a golfing . Fairyland has had to succumb to the fatal fascination of the niblick and the putter. A giant of Butter- Scotch extraction would hardly be age without his clubs and links. {t is excellently illustrated by Arncurs MacGrecor. If offered the book, don’t say, “ Not for Nuts,” but go to Nurr’s (Davin Novtrt’s) and get it. To those who love a laugh, and who, among the Baron’s friends, does not, whether at his own or somebody else’s expense, latter for choice, the Baron recommends Kemble’s Coons, brought out a ann, of London. Most of the negro piccaninnies, and situations in which tLey are placed, are extremely droll. The Black Art. “First rate for Christmas Tue Burrne Baron vz B.-W. artist is a master of the time,” says A CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Parlowr-maid, ‘‘1 THINK IT's somE GAME FoR you, Ma'am.” Bobby. ‘‘Ou, Mummy, may I piay iT Too?” CANINE SAGACITY. A Protest—and a Plea for Rational Correspondence. Dar Six,—I read with suppressed irritation the letter from “A Thankful Parent,” about i of his St. Bernard pur but when it came to the foolish epi from Brazenface College, I could stand it no eager However, my chief object in writing is to ask you to open your columns to matters of proved scientific interest, such as “ How to be married, tho happy,” “ What shall we do with our bores,” &c. At present I have good reason to be deeply interested in occult science. When my Aunt Maria died, just three years ago, we had a remarkable premonition of the fatal event. The housemaid was gently wiping with a soft cloth one of a pair of valuable vases, when, without any warning whatsoever, it flew into a thousand pieces. One month later, to the very Tr, my Aunt Maria died! ted. The same Now, Sir, two days ago, the was aan housemaid, with the same cloth, was i e remaining vase when, to use her own words, it “exploded,” as its fellow had done. The most serious issues are involved for myself and my two surviving aunts, and I should like to appeal to any students of the vecult who may be able to enlighten me as to which of us is this time indicated. My own im is that it is Aunt Racugt, but she herself helleoes that her nephew is meant, that is myself. You will see at once that a matter of this kind is of infetey, greater moment than the tricks of enka’, however wonderful they may appear upon superficial examination. Iam, Sir, - Yours faithfully, Common Sense. We are sorry to say that the letter signed “ A. So.omon,’’ of Brazenface © mand containing a dog, hen, und kitten story, is a forgery, and not written by the undergraduate of that name.—Eb. ) rancid inte

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PUNCH, OR “THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘ AFTER YOU!” CHRISTMAS NUMBERS. (Old and New.) [‘‘...OLD-FasHionEp’ writes a lament about the decay of Christmas. He says, ‘Some relatives in South: ‘Africa asked me ,to buy them a bundle of Christmas Numbers “ of the , old sort,” and send them out, as they always. iked to recall in the bush the happy. days of childhood, and ex to the youngsters born there what a real | o- Christmas is like. . . . have bought all that I seen ‘published, but, exc ept on the title-page, | ‘ can’t find anything about Christmas in them Daily Telegraph.) Op lovers of fun, drum this puzzling co- nundrum Well into the ears of a cynical age What, what has become of that Christmas which some of The elderly scanners of picture and May =— remember? About mid-De- mber We used to look forward to frolic and n, To holly’s red glories, and jolly ghost- stories ; But nw all is dismal, and dumpish, and un. It =e Bea be rapture the pictures to cap- Of gallant, old Giutsert and funny old Oh, Pr , wal of Dickens! Now gloom daily thickens And sentiment ’s ghoulish, and mirth a sour quiz. For larks ont roast turkey the monstrous and murky, The horrid, hypnotic, and hideous abound. For frightened old fat “Ma” a mystic|Than were the poor creatures whose un- Or other grim humbug will “flourish | For pursy old pater, whose mouth like a| crater Gaped wide with a genial fit of the qeeeys, ~ . When p was net laughing, or joyfully Some di dim, ul demon from Stygian Some, Beavleyogie bogey, to scare the o From finvde-vidcle Fancy’s dark vaults will emer And 4 creatures, with vague features, ire in drive honest souls to insanity’s And a ks. as—jollity! Not of such Chsitienanty “creeps” in the simple old When Sam’ Reap enchanted with Old Granges, Haunted, a” le genial ghosts in the cultured features : Would break into grins, or let maudlin tears start At fun and the pathos we call bleat and bath In old Christmas numbers by Dickens & 0., Mere compounds of snivel and horse-collar ivel— At least our sage oracles label them so. No, my dear “ Old-Fashioned”! your plea so im ioned For genial, gay Christmas Numbers is vain In +? sam the jolly plus holly mean Ouy To up-to-date pundits whose heart runs to brain! Not so Pretty in English. (Three friends meet at Monte Carlo ) First Friend. No, I’m not staying here. Just run over from es. Second F. And I from Fat. Third F. And I’m with my people at But Christmas, where is it? The annual | Chin. As “ O13-Fashioned ” says, Christmas Numbers record Alone on their covers. But true Christ- mas lovers By a plus cynical smartness get We ot ee, vO we snigger! We’re better to Modernity, School Yes, Boards, and Art— [We presume the travellers referred to Cannes, Grasse, and Menton.—Eb. } OLD BUFFER’S BOXING-DAY REFLECTION. Gr-n-n-n! Yesterday I did run loose! To-day pang-wracked, perspiring, puf- ng, I feel I am the Christmas goose, And spoilt by too much stuffing.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decempgr 26, 1896. et | th il | z—— i 2252) SSS A spel d8fitccs=cs Wivsiiz:s =ss3 Iii : os ra, a —_— “5 SWAIN So FATHER CHRISTMAS—* UP-TO-DATE.”

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Decemper 26, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 309 THE LOVES OF THE HOLLY AND MISTLETOE. A Ho ty for several winters, when decked in bis finest array of ruddy berries, had sent his most tender regards by means of the blackbirds, mussel-thrushes and star- lungs to the object of his love, a beauteous Mustletoe attached by force of circum- enn aes On Seren Dam, but the bird-messengers never brougat him any satisfactory reply, so the poor Holly bitterly bewailed that such a coy dependeni should be permitted to enslave his fancy with the =i. loveliness of her Bong = a was persuaded the open and tashion in which he waved > thea to her, whenever the wind blew favourably, would sooner or later t im some encouraging response. Meanwhile the Ribston Fippin regardea him with such undisguised jealousy that one fine autumn he uced no more than a couple of bushels of sour fruit, and wa: promptly condemned to death in the wintei by tne Dirtman or common gardener. Soon afterwards the Holly was visited b) a chatterbox of a Tomtit, who said, “ Mix Mistletoe is quite alive to your passion, but she dares not return it through fear a ner foster-parent. You must therefore take her bashfulness at its true worth ana hope on, for you have indeed a fai uses.” The Holly was so a Bao with Sat Christmas “dieglag, or a gran > when he would rival a Highland soldier A the grandeur of his scarlet and green garb. At the same time he begged the Tomtit tc convey the assurance of his undying de- votion to the ee. - doubt - message was duly eam | or never pee Mistletoe shown ts 01 wy pearls. It was oa after thi pe of mutual feeling that little Tina, the daughter of the pan vol accompaniea her father round the garde “Oh! how beautiful —_ "Holly and A ioe oon? joined the: brist must have them e r for C t- mas, eh, daddy joined tog ante ades's readily assented, and - he necessary the “I’m lad of that, Sir,” said t Dirtman, “ because that there folly spoils the laurels, and as to the Mistletoe, I believe it’s killed the apple-tree.” The Holly felt a contempt for the P ayrey which he could not ex- press. the bitterness of his reflection was, however, effaced by his joy. At last Miss Mistletoe was to be with him- self! He looked forward to Christmas- tide with all - He winced a little, it is true, when Dirtman came with an axe and chopped his trunk in twain, but oh! what rapture when he was hung at last, intermingled with his beloved Mis- tletoe, in the centre of the great hall. “Darling,” h to his bride, Pi glaring at us from the i Wey were so happy for Ao ee fort- night. Little Tina and her friends, es- pecially one friend, who was familiar, came and made merry beneath their branches. "This in seoing i e,” said the Holly, as he wrapped the istletoe in his strong em- “Yes,” she “ but ee is the beginning of death.” She was on Night, the varlets an ipped down all the decorations and placed them amid the ashes of the Pippin’s trunk. But the Holly and the letoe were not divided. They flew up the chimney side b KA side, as a | couple of " t into the heaven | above. That same night the Astronomer- | Royal ~ > two new stars in the firma- | ment. ve them names such as would probably crush the understanding | of an ordi Board School teacher, but all children of Earth, no matter what their age, who read these lines, will know them as Holly and Mistletoe, the Ever Constant. Wuaat THE CHILDREN OF THE Goop OD TIMES DIDN'T HAVE TO ENDURE:—THIs SCHOOL oF iaeuenateen FOR THEIR PICTURE-BOOKS ! A Fable of Vain-glorious Bipeds. A Turkey and a Goose were once dis- puting as to the superiority of their an- cestry. Quoth the Turkey: “I come from the riess prairies of the boundless West. There pigs would not be allowed to roam as they are on those wretched English com- mons, where you pick “ey your sustenance.’ plied the Goose: “ My ancestors were those who saved Rome, furnished pens for sages, and gave arrow-guides to warriors. As to pigs, let me remark that they are known to none of my quality.” In process of time a pig found the truf- fles, which subsequently enriched the Goose’s liver, and also supplied the sau- es for adorning the Turkey. This fable shows that Gastronomy is not appreciated at its true worth by any living ear as a factor in the economy of Man- The Morning after the Pantomime. Magistrate Ge prisoner). I understand bowed ou are charged with being erly, and chdirading the police. ag md Yes, your worship ; but I was really only playing at being clown, which the constables misunderstood. [Discharged without a stain on his | character. Morro or THe Locg-rotizr at CHRist- = mastipE. — Do as Yule be done by. Vide! topical numbers. DARBY JONES COES TO ALCIERS OR— ELSEWHERE. Honovursep Sin,—The festive season has once more come down like the Assyrian on the Earthly Fold, not, it is true, embel- lished with much Of that Gold which seems as plentiful in the Western Antipodes as Py~ and rice at up-to-date nuptials but Geonntidons not lacking in the e un e repellent the Scarlet Abundance of th pell Holly. For my own » much as | re- vere Christmas, with its Congratulations, its its Cards its Turkeys, Geese, Plum Puce, Mie and Gaspiragons, Hilarity, Indigestion, without Fe we ay = H. Hypr’s ever joyous holiday rt Kempton Park og 4 I trust sastor i ge a not nip jumpers by the heels), yet | am constrained this year to individu pe plea- collectively a more beneficent Atmosphere, less exhila- rating scenes, and Meat and Drink of a agg butterfly character. Yes, honoured , I fear that my arduous exertions on 4 behalf, coupled with the fact that | was asinine enough to accompany a friend to Richmond to witness what he called a football match, but which closely resembled my idea of Savage Warfare in the Rainy Season, have necessitated my instant re- moval to a hotter place. No, Sir, I do not mean what you mean. I refer ‘to the sun-kissed ry 4 of Algeria, not unknown, Grant ALLEN, the late Lord Exmours, Marshal MacManon, and other hill and water toppers. But for your Mosquito-like Stab of last week, I should po to bayonet your feelings by inform- ‘ou that I do not travel alone to the rt “of the Turco and the Palm- tree. But now I make no scruple in telling you that the Lovely Lady undertakes the same jour- ney at the same time, taking with her as natural Guardian and Protector her Bro- ther, a youth who has yet to learn the meum and tuum of Life, as applied to spirits, cigars, pas tty cash. But no fly ever corrupted th t kind of pomatum. For the ~~~ then not without a quiver- ing cardiac feeling, 1 leave you, honoured Sir, to the Barbaric Splendours. of Insular Hospitality. Sooner or later I shall be with you again. Sooner if the Protector- Brother goes on as he has been doing. Meantime, the Bard chortles at Charing Cross station. Farewell, most honoured Sir, farewell, I’m ready for the flight, And wave to Fleet Street and Pall Mall A well-deserved ** Good-night !” The a whistles forth “* Adieu,’’ The night wind telephones ** A Merry Christmas, Sir, to you And yours!” from Dauny Jones. P.S.—I do not state my precise destina- tion for excellent ne to Did you ever catch a weasel asleep, &. ? [We are afraid that our reference to the man with the 1 has htened D. J. Whither he has gone we know not, but we certainly should not | waste a twopenny -half mny stamp in trying to , | find him at Algiers. thend is a more likely ’ | place of refuge.—Ep. } At the Bookseller’s. Lady to proprietor). Good heavens! What’s the matter with your assistant ? be seized with lockjaw ? alarmed, Madam. pronounce the name | NOLD’s new volume of poems! Fema EY Ue eR e298 Ts EE + es

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— ee —_ - 310 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Dscemper 26, 1896. CHRISTMAS CRACKERS. Tuat the sentiments on the cards come from the heart, and are absolutely genuine, That every account on its arrival will be promptly settled That the annual family gathering will be meee of nothing but peace and good- That bonnets and mantles will be totally disregarded by the feminine portion of the wT elids ks will be highl ul oliday tasks wi ighly popular with the young friends of Dr. Brrow and his talented assistants. That gratuities on Boxing day will be given with enthusiastic generosity every- where. That eagle ns ae —_ | mince pies as profession foes by the doctors. That there will be plenty of cabs for every one after the performances on xing =. That the Yule-tide entertainments will once more beat the record. That the toast of the season will be “ Long live our rates and taxes.” And lastly (biggest cracker of all) that every one who has arrived at the of discretion sincerely regrets that “ ist- mas comes but once a year,” and conse- quently can not be frequently repeated. Gart-monzy.—The price of admission to a running contest. From THe Crackery SHop.—From the glories of the more than “purple East,” and the whirling wonders of the go-ahead West, Tom Smirx has evolved such radiant varieties for his Christmas crackers as will produce ineffable delight in the hearts of all youthful Christmas-party goers and givers. Bang! “open Sesame,” and “ Al- addin’s Discoveries” are revealed! Then “Curios from the Cape,” and a boom in “The Up-to-date Cycling.” Tom is not without a sense of humour when he be- stows the title of “Home Comforts” on one set of crackers. Without such “home comforts” where would be the quiet and repose of home? So many and varied are the | aie of ~~ old ae in + ag ery department, that, ying i lage Blacksmith,” we may say with truth, “Tom Surru a mighty man is he!” And long may he reign as the King of Christmas Crackers. {i PREHISTORIC WAITS. THEIR CAREER WAS, AS A RULE, A SOME: | Had Him There. WHAT BRIEF AND CHEQUERED onz, owrxne To} Young Teddy. I a grandpa, are you ond of a round game THE FASCINATION THEY HAD FOR THE REPTILE Grendpa. Yes, certainly ;. very ae WORLD ! able amusement. | Young Teddy. Then just take me to the Crystal alace. A PRovers AMENDED BY one Letrer For | “ircus at the tHe Occaston.—Moral drawn from the re- [Ancestor captured, of course. cent case of Brooks v. Labouchere: “Truth i than Fiction.” “ Brooxs of VICE VERSA. is stronger , Halesworth” probably wishes that his ex-| Master Harry (whose father is expected istence had been as fabulous as that of Mr. | on leave from India). When my dad comes Murdstone’s “Brooks of Sheffield” in| home for the holidays, I I'll treat David Copperfield. him to the pantomime.

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December 26, 1896.] 311

\\. \\ \' \ wy \S} A Boutoeneg, 166 About the Red Rose. Conundrom of Corundum (The), 808 , 220 Counsel to Councils, 180 Advice to Young Croquet-Players, 69 Coven andred Years, 45. ~ After a H , 270 ears, Coxswain's ‘‘ Century” 6), 111 Amiens’ Song at the Haymarket, 54 ms Ancient io Missile (An), 298 267 Cveling Governess » 198 Czar in Scotland ), 162 Darsy Jones at Derby, 264 Darby Jones goes to ers—or elsewhere, = Jones in the Midlands and North, 25 Darby Jones naturally elated, 197 Darby Jones on Goodwood, 57 20 . At Home and Abroad in less than a/| Darby Jones on Horse Sales—with Varia- ‘At Wiesbaden, 205 tions, Darby Jones on the Cambrid ire, 205 288 Darby Jones on the Uesarewi 185 189 Darby Jones on the , 129 251 Darby Jones on Turf Matters, 228 Darby Jones on Turf Topics, 269 Darby Jones on Winter Keep, 285 suey Sree eaeee ae Death of the Dance (The), 181 Auguste en Angleterre, 192, 20%, 216, 221, | Delights of Football (The), 207 minatnn Laub Cupertentiine (at 99 Deastie bien ot Bacteria (The), 189 Battle of the Beware | 278 Doom of Dulwich (The), 117 Dulcet Literature, 72 ’ Birthday Card (A). 34 Earty Birds, 137 's Ideas on Ladies’ Ideais (A), 257 | Economical Refreshments, 287 to the Wheel, 126 Encore, W. G., 78 Bravo, Burns! 171 Encore Verse (An), 54 En Beosse, 113, 128 161, 177 England v. A’ 6 dwg 18 English as she is wrote, 264 a. Essence of Parliament, 11, 28, 85, 47, 59, Brunch v. Bi 58 71, 88, 95 Powers” (The), 188 Cab Strike Examination Pa: 257 Calves and 117 Scanian aul diene, 108 Canine Sagacity, 258, 275, 281, 805 Extra Note (An), 171 Cantankerous 78 Factiis Descensus, 195, 217 Case for Sir John Lu 41 Few Hours in Paris (A), 141 Cat-astrophe at Hamburg (A), 231 ‘* Fifty Little Doctor s,” 41 an Eye-lift, 278 “ Final War” (The), 281 Cave 298 Financial Advice, 16 Celebrilet at Home 58 First-class Rail Passenger, 277 Chancs for Spouter, Ranter, & Co. (A), 219 Floreat Hova | 171. Chinese 64 Fly on the Wheel (A), 29 Chinese Puzzle (A), 107 sd "—Hichens 8 Chorus for the New Anti-Jingoism, 228 Fresh Water and New Name, 227 Ch Crackers, 810 Friendly Rifles, 100 Christmas Numbers. 806 From our own Welsh Brer Rabbit, 9 Class or No Class, 174 Shop, 310 the Air, 204 From the Diary of Paterfamilias, 241 Tripper (A), “ GewrLemun v. Players,” 128 Sn aay RentenSenstn,” pre y= Maurier, 186 eee Coming (The), 94 the Collector, 243 Common or Garden Rhymes, 36, 72, Hanns and Hearts, 121 er (The), 141 244 Con 4 la Chinois, 16 (The), 204 ? Condensed Confidence, 187, 165, 201 Hearts all Round, 148

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Helios on the Autocar, 234 Here 's for the Female of Fifty ! 119 Hints anent the A.H.A.O. of Holiday Theory—and Practice, 80 Horticultural Amenities, 185 Hospitality, 208 ** How to celebrate the Longest and Most glorious Reign in lish History,” 65 How we Print now, 27 Hyde Park itself again, 23 IL faut souffrir pour étre—laide, 108 Illogical Condemnation, 227 Imperial Programme (An), 281 Impressions on Tour, 111 In a County Court, 276 In Memoriam, 11 Interviewing a Rainmaker, 144 In the “ Fram,” &c., 248 In the Grand Hotel &moking-room, 234 In the Midlands, 264 In the St. James's Woods and Forests, 297 In Trafalgar Square, 21 Investor's Guardian (The), 180 Jrames to the Rescue, 70 Jottings and Tittlings, 4, 28, 40, 52, 76, 88, 112, 145, 172, 184, 208, 282, 256, 268, 280, 292, 304 Jump Oure (The), 179 “* Lanoers for the Cape,” 118 Last Notes, 57 ay Lions, 165 L. OC, O. as plain as A BC, 268 Leader and Follower, 174 Les Chers Amis, 168 Letters of Marjorie and Gladys, 258, 277 Life ina pee) et As ~i “ t ( o ¥ Li Bung ng’s One Toke, 14 L'lle de Wight, 142, 156 Lines, 267 Little Hero (A), 90 Little Vulgar Girl (The), 169 London in A 107 Lords and , 28 Loves of the Holly and Mistletoe (The), 309 Map and the Minister 63 Meat and ats (ibe, 208 Mesting of the ( ) Waters (The), Mems for Cowes + ange t, 279 Mr. Briefiess Corrects a Clerical Error, 94 Mr. Punch at » Garden , 39 M Motor-Car ; or, Wellers on

New and Sorrowful Lytell Geste of Robin H (A), 282 New Ars ey ay | 279 “ New Boy” (The), New ee aS Newest Ballad of it and West, 80 Newest Palace of (Poster) Art (The), 185 New Nimrod ), 196 ottin Bot aired ye Notes on # Little Oruise in a large Yacht, ), 66 ** Plenty of ‘ Eau,’ but None for Show,” 6 199 Poetry for Children, 160 Portrait Pipe (The) 108 5 Pro Bono Publico, 1 Professionals of the Floor and Field, 174 Provincial Sketches, 143, 154, 167, 1/8, cae Ww Pall of the Posters (The), 129 * Queen's Day, 1896,” 66 jueen | (The), 162 focetion of Bisquette (A), 78 juite the Cheese, 800 LAILWAY Ballads, 100 146 249 Bos wey ap, a Restoration of Oymbeline, 160 Retirement in 147 Revival of pi tof 99 Reectabons Beckingn 8 hor O66, 91, 100, 121, 188, 1 160, 404, 226," 246,

ft

Engagemen' Nansen, 102 | 8 78 S Gelicoman's Mace " (The), 156

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312 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[DecemBer 26, 1896.

Sally, our Sally | 280 Sark oo Su!phurous Waters, 238 Scarcely Figures of Fun, 25 Science at 48 Scorcher (The), 205 beaside Resorts, 78 Seasonable Suggestion (A), 282 Seiamatical Shame (A). 126 Seotimental Journey Long after Sterne’s, 125 Shabby in our “ Babby,” 35 Shows in Action, 271 Shriek from the Shires (A), 27 Shyness Past and Present, 196 Sir John Everett Millais, 90 Slightly Horsey, 249 Home Cipher Wires, 14? Something in Advance, * 13 Song of Hybrias the Cretan, 98 Song of the Road (A), 275 Song of the Scorcher, 96 Soothsayer’s Vade Mecum (The), 251 ** Sorrows of—Solicitors " (The), 238 Sotto Voce, 281 Spell as you please, 25 Sportive Songs, 12, 18, 30, 42, 49, 66. 96, 118, 129, 136, 147, 158, 179, 190, 208, 2138, 225, 78), 252, 268. 275, 285, 269, Story about that Illustrious Photograph, 169 Strike me Pink, 177 Strike on the Box (A), 219 Suggested by the Cab Strike, 209 Suggested Speech (A). 17 Sultan's Soliloquy (The), 189 Texnysow for Tradesmen, 144 Terroriem of Touts (The), 167 That Fat Boy again | 207 Thorn (The), }02 Thoughtless Managerial Conduct, 181 Three 0's (The), 1 Three F's (The), 87 Tips for Farmers, 18 To an Organ-Grinder, 239 “To Arma!” 262 To Princess Charles of Denmark. 261 To some “ Designing” Persons, 300 To the Enraged Poet, 168 To those who love Plav, 124

Trafalgar, Oct. 21, 1805, 196 Travelling "Arry (The), }22 | Travelling Chinee (The), 108 | Two Presidents (The), 229 UnPuBLIseueED Soliloquy (An), 188 Up-to-date Intelligence—re Bayard, 105 VacaponD Field-Mar+hal (A), 289 Valuable Find (A), 146 Vice Vers, 27 Victoria | 78 Vivat Regina | 146 Voice from the Box (A), 270 Voices from the Shades, 60 Waist not waste not, 149 Walkyrie Collection (The), 229 Walled Town (A), 191, 196, 215 Wanderings ip the Vacation, 93 Wanderings of Li Hung Chang (The), 63 War on Wires, &3 Water-Famine (The), 77 Way they have in the Navy (The), 293 Wedding Guest's Vade Mecum ), 75 What is a (New) Woman like? 158 What Mr. Boll thinks, 291 What the Wild Waves are Sayi What to wear on your Wedding Bay, 60 What was the Excitement about? What will not be said at the Guildhall on the Ninth, 2'7 With the New Forest Hounds, 207 “* Wonner " (A), 1386 Word to Wrangling Leaders (A), 227 Word wi’ Wallace (A), 124 Work and Wages, 51 World of Words (A —- YacuTine Season Ye Yachting Men of England 107 ZoovooicaL Error (A), 198 LARGE ENGRAVINGS. * Biessep are the Peacemakers,” )63 * Bride and Bridegroom |" (The), 438 Caught Napping, 115 China in the Bull-Shop, 79 Columbia's Choice, 228 East London Water Supply, 67 “Par from the Madding Crowd |” 108 Father Christmas—‘ up-to-date,” 307 France to the Fore | 175 “ Good Business 1” = * Johnny Gilpin |” Man for the Job (the), 127 No Reasonable Offer —- 19 * One Touch of Nature—" On the Prowl, 271 a7 Peace Pudd Preparing his Speech, 7 1 ng 1 ** Beaside “296 Strong A) (A), 151

“ Turkey “ Waving of the Honeymoon " (The), 55 “* War Lord ” (The), 189 SMALL Oe Apvertisinc Elephants, Angler's Gillie - the the Worme = Br fw ‘Am ‘Aare ot the at the Artist's Itchin’ and Beraichin’ 109 Automatic Umbrella (The: Bad Boy threatens ‘* ee,” 231 Betting about Snookson's Poem, 61 cle pow = in Dublin a (A), 125 Peacock, % Somaee th the Mion 9 718 horse, 124 Clergyman and po Rene gh gen, 227 Coal Carter add . 268 Cob the Model of Persimmon, Condnetor cna tle a Phas Congrataula A “A at ine. Converted Author and ite uatety, 3 Convertible Knife-grinding Safety Cooking L. C. C. Accounts, 250 Counsel defending Habitual Criminal, 47 C-unting the Weans at the Station, 9v Country Barber and Hot Weather, 29 Doctor's Daughter and a 4 Toper, 16 Dog running after ‘‘ Bike, Doolie’s Twins, 70 Drama in the Days of Elizabeth (The), 241 Dreary Counsel and Sleepy Jury, 800 Dr. Primrose-bery, 189 Dr. Punch and Dr. Jim, 266 Duke taking his Hostess to Dinner, 30

Egoist or Beer pent 222 Egyptian t (The), 181 Equestrian Bicycles, 8 Pathers v. Boys’ Cricket-Match, 42 Father Thames and the Yale Crew, 14 Flora and Sir Algernon’s Proposal, 147 four Philanthropic Gentlemen, 202 Fox Cubs to Ground 188 Fredd the Old Lord Mayors, 221 French Citizens after the Fétes 204 French Hunting Man's Politeness, 273 Gentleman of the Weather- =e 156 , 73 a on Tories — Radicals, 21 Grandson to Grandpapa, 49 Hansom Cab-Girl (The), 208 Harcourt and Rosebery on Armenia, }70 Gigher Life in an Attic, 210 Honeymoon Couple's Sea-sickness, 153 Honcuring Poynter, R.A., 230 Horsemen startled by Donkey, 301 Hostess and Guest's Thoughts, 245 Hot Weather and Liquidation, 87 How Edwin thought of Angelina, 34 Hunter's Mud-Skimmers, 249 Hunting in a Fog. 217 Hunting Man in Whissendine Brook, 19? Hunting Man jumping among Hounds, 228 Hunting Man pulling down Wall, 285 Hunting Man Sells his Horse, 291 Hunting Men starting for Cabbing, 150 Irish Dealer's Jumping Horse, 29 Irish Groom at the Telephone, 216 Irish Landlord and Tenant's Duet, 302 Jacky's Peculiar Coinege, 18 Jibbing Horse in Irish Car, 174 Jockey waiting for his Valet, 1)1

Keeping an Eye on his Sister, 114 Rrtgere Little Bill, 242 | only” a een (A), 162 Lady. ad Dull Visito: Lady and Yoke for Twins, 288 Lady booking for Oban, 65 | Lady inviting Gentleman to Dine, 45 Lady on Horseback crossing Brook, 15 | Lady Visitor's Short Stays, 183

Landowner disappoints Shooting Friends 219 Leadenhall Market Fox “ 255 Lending him a Hair-pin, 234 Little Girl and the — 168 Little Horseman and his Grandpapa, 267 Little Jones and his Lead —. 57 Little May's clean Pinafore, 27 Liver-y Men after the ate 288 London and Boston Artillery Companies, 26 London Friend's Walk across Fields, 287 — Rain post 203 Major, ond the tthe Lady Oy Cyclists. 35 Major Blanderbore and our Artist, 85 Mamma drawing for Effie, 1¥7 Massa Bones’ Dance of Delight, 264 Miss Ella's Bicycling Lesson, 270 ws the Big New Mechanical Basy Chair, 59 Nigel and his Mamma, 81 Notice ot Motor-Hunt, 261 Old Gent on a Motor-’ Bus, 239 Ovd Master and New Frame, 179 Oid Poddles’ Hunter climbs a Bank, 240 On an American Liner, 282 Opinions on the new Dean, 66 Park Lovwfer and Lady's Hat, 54 Parliamentary Agriculturists at Work, 10 Parliamentary Regatta (A), 46 Parliamentary “‘ Victoria Cross” Race, 82 Past and Present Canterbury Pilgrims, 109 Pedestrian and Cyclist, 180 Physical Transformation of Politicians, 22 Picture which must be restored (A), 136 Pitmen and the Lord Mayor, 149 Playing Football with Visitor's Hat, 90 te on Turkey (The), 173 Post’ 8 Cheque (A), 287 Political Guys, 226 Putting s Friend on his Guard, 9 Read y-made Coats-of-Arms, 286, 299 Recommending the new Doctor, 159 Retriever and Matilated Bird, 158 Retrograding Autocar (A), 39 Rival os Men” ), Ties Ronan Messenger Rosebery as the et To Tn ‘alisbury the Cinque Ports Leong == bw w~ Fee and Thames Em ment, 23 Sie Sa eh ee an, sexton and shooting at Lord Pec ns House, 248 tir Charles and his Tall sketch of Cabby in Piecadiliy, 17 171 %portaman and the Deer's ye 195 3 Hunting Man Splashed, 207 Stout Lady sings “1°d be a Butterfly |” Stout Vocalist’s Hunting ttroke Balfour “ Catching a m8 Sultan at Er: oe 110 yon ore 4 0 Whelk Stal, ot = <4 Traces, 51 Paling Government Tales to the Marines, * Terrible” Boy (A), 118 Time and Thim’ Tom Tommy and the Gargon, foo Hot to Aspirate, 41 fourist and N. Host, 258 ba waiting for Passenger, 144 who got into Low Water, 155 Wanting to see a Ghost, 120 weet elo eens

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & ©CO,, LD,, PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 26, 1896, s* * *. LIQUEUR OF THE ° “00 CHARTREUSE. > fal propertiened “oon Se sow bo had ot Se ipal MWabovi, ib, (utched Priars, Laudos, B.C. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. * It is peculiarly well adapted for medicinal purposes.”—Lancer, 28 March, 1696. KINAHAN’S LL AND GLENISLE The Cream of The Finest Old Irish Whiskios. Scotch Whisky Sold. WHISKIES. GUILDFORD STREET, YORK ROAD, LAMBETH, 86.E. Sample bottle post tree on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 84. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 24 and 2%, HART 8T., BLOOMSBURY, a Sold by ‘all Leapino Meacnants Inpia and the C@.on ies. WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. ))E.L.IC1LOUS—COMFORTING. Ack for GRANT'S, and don't be put off with inferior makes. v ROU S PAVOURITE Na ENGLISH ** PERFUME. Always Befreshizg, Sweet, and ~~ ra; 1s., 2s. 6d., 5s. 6d. and 10s. 6d. per bottle. tations, note that NONE “ib cenupwe urLigs. bearing oar TO BE HAD OF ALL PERYUMERS, CHEMISTS. &c Whelesale, R. HOVENDEN &! SONS, Beasea Sr., ,» & City Roan, E.C,, RA Sy THE , NON-MERCURIAL Universally admitted to be | withejector and solid frame, is the latest _ | the Best and Safest Article for Cleaning Silver, | and best pocket revolver made 1t supersedes all FOR COMPLAINTS of the STOMACH, LIVER, dc., DRINK == | VICHY CELESTING sux Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. Sole Importers: INGRAM & ROYLE, 52, FARRINGDON STREET, LONDON, E.C. SAMUEL BROTHERS, 65 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. Kegistered Crade Mark. rootztonm J _ “8. MORDAN & CO." WAI Floughs, Harrows, Haymakeré, | Horse Rakes, Mowers, Straw | § Trussers, Fodder Presses, Oil En- |# eines, and Portable Railway. Ero: Jacket and Vest for bey ‘of 13 years, 20s. Od. | Trousers for boy of 13 years, 9s. 8d. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE an PATTERNS free on ome ‘Goddard's ACTION 32 CAL. POCKET REVOLVER Plate Powder Plate, &c. SIX eoLD MEDALS. others rice liet free. COLT’S FIREARMS CoO., Sold everywhere, in Boxes, |s., 2s. 6d., and 4s. 6d. | %6, Glasshouse Street, Piccadilly Circus, London, W. “THREE CASTLES” CIGARETTES. = and sage. Mansfactered from the Finest Selected Growths of — THE “THREE OASTLES”,TOBAGCO,| Both kinds are soid in 1-02. and 2-02. Square Packets, and }-lb. Patent Air-Tight Tins, W.D. & H. O. WILLS, Limited, BRISTOL and LONDON. Imported Original Cases of HEERING’S CHERRY BRANDY, a i Bottles, or 2 doz. Talf Bottles, make MOST ACCEPTABLE CHRISTMAS PRES! NTS, and may be had of all Wine Mere! PERPECTLY SIMPLE. SIMPLY PERPEC' The _ Pocket Kodak A dainty little camera, weighing only 7 ous Can be slipped into the pocket, Makes pictures 1} X 2 inches Loaded in daylight — no dark room necessary. Ri Achromatic lens, with three stops. Ss Improved rotary shutter always set for tim instantaneous exposures. View finder, Cor Complete with roll of film for 12 exposures, £1 Is. ._ i EASTMAN Photegrapn FS Materials Co. Ltd. 11g-8t7 Oxford St., London, W a Write for descriptive pamphiet. post {1 SAVORY MOORE’S INFANTS’ FOOD BEST AND MOST ECONOMICAL | BS PL JRE MAt I WHISKEY ; y. B

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI — Decempzr 26, 1896. After using PEARS Soap. | all] \ i ee —EE Nh N\ ih al f dX 4 A | Before using PEARS Soap. vis 3 = at ae ee Me ha mee de SY Si — a eee om Pa fee se eee ee en Why, it’s Nansen ! He had not had a wash for fourteen months.”) Who on earth is this? (“When first seen Nansen was as black as a stoker.

Page 423

* é 2 a - Mo 7 ee ‘is . te ee, iy 5 ‘ aa _ a a % F s - ———— lee i a a ee a aon ee _———— ThA eelhlC KS STD wTFaTT AA