Punch 1896-12-12: Vol 111 Iss 2892

Page 1

CHOCOLAT MIEN LER rate

B tak ~~ — _ Se SATURDAY. EVERY PUBLISHED als ie ~ \* re ‘ Wilinaa™ P y 14 vA) : “ a — 2a j } | he \\ ing ih iW, AY ue 4 NY “J alll

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON.

y | 2 || PRICE THREE PENCE.

F iY. ie CONCENTRATED COCOA “STRONGEST AND Bast.

turned, y description. will in no case be re rule there will be no exception. not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this ea” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions. wnetner MS.. Printed Matter. Drawings. or Pictures o: an

Page 2

P CHATTO & WINDUS'S NEW BOOKS. LEVNARD MERKICK 6 NEW NOVEL, CYNTHIA: o Daughter of the —_— yw ready,in 2 Vols, at every THE CHARM, and other Drawing- room Plays Me, ~. i Besaxt aad Wares Posoce ve om, Crowe Ovo, cloth, gill edges, 6 Di DURING “ THE TERROR.” Bomomy With 3 Photograv ures. y Svo, “The volumes give « life-like, breathing of the most grotesquel Soret epoch fo the Kistory of modern Umes ré has given us 6 wor which we should mi, with gratitude. It is echolariy with« ~ being pedantic, it without being inaccurate. It can be consul test buok om send ant ymance. —Pace Mice das.

Bint eeeia d doth, Bie

HE ROYAL CHRISTOPHER. ByJver «ft , Author of “ A London Legenss ae. :-- bv« , cloth, ae. 6. Tis « breezy yarn which boys are sure te en Pete Mace Grserre R'S LUCK. By Baer ith ® Lilustraticns. Crows bro, jor B*, ARK E. elt Be wt and @ ee healthy Bcorems A ¢. CAPFUL 0’ NAILS: A North- hy D. Cunmerte Moar, old in Bret Hartes orapes style, and entertaining reading stho of > doaeph 8 oat.’ Crown’ *v0, cloth, 3+. 6d. Mr Christie Murray's new book is one which will certain!. add to his already great popularity it is written at once with sys sp fry leage Alte one ther, ‘A Capful o lis’ is a clever ond on an im prensiy book how Sareaoat OR SINGLE? By «a, Author of “ Vretty Miss Cheaper Baits on. Crown So » cloth, 3s. id OF MARRIED Neville [5_THE KINGDOM KERRY. wy 8. M. Cacann, Author of “ Diana Barrington,” &c. Crown Svo, cloth, is A fascina' volume of short stories, slight aid sim ple in pointof plot, admirable in style. Mre. Croker writes with — kaowledge, and conviction and this, her latest ¢ ort, will add to a reputation that is already well advanced ~-Vanive Fain REVENGE! ! By 12 ilustrations. Crown 6vo, cloth, * Mr. Marr seems to have studied the art of “the thriding story until he can tell it without a super flucus word b v (Ca eonicue COMPLETION OF THE LIBRARY EDITION OF CHARLES READE'S NOVELS. # Collected Library Edition, complete in

A Seve ite eon Volumes, set in handsome New Type, Vr mtes m Laid Paper, and elegantly Bound la ‘ ‘td. each i Pe Woffingten ; and | 1. Love Me Little, Love Christie Johnstone e 2 Hard Cash 8 TheDouble Marriage. 3. The Cloister and the § Grifith Gauat. Mearth 10. Foul Play 4 It te Never too Late 11. Put Yourself in His to Meni Place 6. The Course of True i2 A Terrible er Love Never Did Rus 13. A Simpleten. Bmooth, anu Bingle heart aad Double the Jilt, aud Uther 5. ories, and Good Stories of Man and Other Animals. 1b face The Autobiography of a Thief; Jack of All Trades; A Hero and 16. A Perilous Secret. & Martyr; avd ihe 17. Readians; and Bible Wandering Heir Characters. be WOMAN IN WHITE. Hy Witaie A LINBARY KDITION, wt new ty pe with Portrait. Crown s hands ay ‘ CHATTO & WI NDUS, . St Martin's Lane, w.c. MR. HENTY'S NEW STORIES.

rown Svo. cloth elegant, olivine edges, 6s. A AGINCOURT: A ta cof the White Hoods of Paris, By G st With 2 Page Dlustrations by Wa b Crowa §8voe, cluth c.egaat, olivine edges Wits COCHRANE THE DAUETLESS . Tale ot the } “p its of Lord Cochrane in “outh nerkan Wate iy G A “xT ith is iy ratio 3 by W. LL. Maseeteos Crow a 8vo, cloth elegant, olivine edges, 5s ow i THE IRRAWADDY : A Story of the dret burmese War. ly G.A law With 6 Iustrations a W. MH. Ovenen: New Edition, crown Sv« wth elegant, ds. 6d THE YOUNG COLONISTS : A Tale of the Zulu ani Noer Wars. Hy G. A Ment W ith 6 Iilustrations by Simon MH. Ve Louden poke BLACKIE a» » BON, Ltd., Old Nailey

COLTS NEW DOUBLE- ACTION 32 CAL. POCKET REVOLVER @ ith qjector anu solid frame, ~~ Yr and best pocket revolver 4 others Price list free oours 8. — Stree. Piccadilly Cireus, w. RKoBeRT Bans.

"UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI — —Decemser 12, 1896. TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. ed = “from rom tanden'es under 6 tons regis. Dect Cloudy For TEM SCRUBB’S sc:eencia AMMONIA

| INDIA Is: ——— ousehold = BERMUDA Se. marine Jam 1 setarming } ‘row MARVELLOUS PREPA tering erry 1 retapning Apel ih ere Refreship a a —— P: ~ *. ANTI. Invaluable for ail Toilet Purposes. ms ROME RT caine italy, we Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. BICILY, leaving April 21, b00, CORSICA. Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing, Etc. RO - G-e tgnt, Giselle Wells; hot ane Restores the Colour to Carpets. Managers. F. Green Cleans Plate and Jewellery. 1s. Bottle for sixtoten Baths. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Etc. SCRUBB & CO., 32b Southwark Street, 8.E. <j MANUFACTURERS OF SCRUBB’S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World of Novelties in Solid Silver. ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREB. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: [12, REGENT ST., W. Avsoinine Sreasoscoric Comrant.) & Co., Anderson, Anderson &Co. Head Uffices, Fey | church Avenue. For apply to the latter firm, at 5, Fenchurch Avenue, Lon C., or tw the West- End liranch Uftice, ls, Coekspur a3 HOTEL METROPOLE, BRIGHTON. “ The finest and wiost luxurious Seas Hotel in the World.” Charges moderate. Proprietors: THE CORDON HOTELS, LTD. ORIENTAL CARPETS Sold at Wholesale Prices fe) a Paleensiie TRELOAR & SONS, ~ _“8, MORDAN & CO.” LUDGATE HILL. Ask for

MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS ae ae Cee. 2) 4” —

ee

THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE CO, (xz) Head Office: EDINBURGH. Accumulated Fund, 8 Millions Stg.

Price List.

| Br anches in India and the Colonies

| a Throats

Sold by all Chemists, Druggists, and Grocers throughout the Kingdom. Sole Importers : INGRAM & ROYLE, 52, FARRINGDON STREET, LONDON, E.C. “Youcannotdo better thas z S gargle with “CONDY.” | cae 7 C Sir Morell Mackenzia, MD, | Tro (Consulting Physician to the late Loo H diate Emperor of ae ) . In I -IBUTTER-SCOTGH | 0 win CONDY'S oot | The Cele! 8 Child —-- | ( weet for Children,, 0 Remodial FLUID. | L * ] ° THE - =. tur 66 PASTEUR” | Eron (Jacket and Vest) for boy of 8 years, 19/ oad | ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE and te . EF - VALTERNS free on application, — y- (Chamberland) | LTE R. LDEN HAIR Hi ‘The Standard of Efficient Filtra- bo lon" ten tte | ROBARE’S AUREOLINE. | a rT . ER RCTLA LARMLESDS A real preventative of water- aa by Perfumers and Chemists th borne disease.””—Laxcer pL mn FA =. NEsEEDee S Guns, and all | Y. Tu be had at the Stores, moxt Filter Dealers, — — —— ~ ——— . (Ths Seont cies" ""* DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. | ROWLANDS’ F- . DEFRIES For ACIDITY or rar STOMACH, HEARTHURN, | th Semeiod SONS, wm MACASSAR OIL «| te he ‘COMPLAINTS , of the ‘STOMACH, LIVER, de. DRINK Soa woe | u | a 1 Spring. | | 20, Harrow Gagpex, Loxpos.

ed

Page 3

DecemBer 12, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 277 DEJECTION. IN REVIEWING THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS RECEIVED FROM HIS RELA- TIONS, OUR BACHELOR FRIEND GOLDING FEELS THAT WITH AN EFFORT HE CAN STAND THE WOOLLEN CoMFORTER AND Socks, THE GoosE, THE IRoN Por GILDED, THE FLOWER-STAND OF FIR-CONES, THE PALETTE LOOKING-GLASS (CRACKED IN TRANSIT), THE BIRD-CAGE, AND EVEN THE IMITATION BRONZE, BUT HE THINKS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN SPARED THE PORTRAIT OF HIMSELF IN OILS, PAINTED AS A PLEASANT SURPRISE BY Covusty EMMA From A “‘ SNap-sHor.” LETTERS OF MARJORIE AND GLADYS. II. Dearest Marsoriz,—I wonder how you can be surprised at my liking for “trivial people,” as you call them, after my unfor- tunate experience of serious young men. Of Orre., the less said the better ; and I do not look back with much pleasure on my engagement to ArtHuR, whose high principles, vile temper, and determination to play Halma with me every evening drove me to desperation and those na jokes that led to our disunion. However, you will own I am less frivolous, when I tell you I have taken to believing in palmistry, combined with physiognomy, table-turning, and even a touch of astrology. Mrs. VanpELeur has a friend, a real Professor, who goes into a trance and reveals the past for one guinea! Isn’t it cheap? He also delineates one’s character in the most wonderful way by a photograph. You send it under a false name, in a disguise oF I believe one might even send someone else’s pastogne. and he is so clever that it makes no difference whatever. e told me that the ear being placed on the side of the head is a sign of quick omeee, avarice, and a dislike to arithmetic. He never flatters. rs. VANDELEUR says he must be genuine, because he lives in the Edgeware Road. He also does crystal-gazing, and he told Mrs. Vanpeteur when she went to see him, that he saw her in the crystal in a dark-blue dress with a yellow front—the ve dress she was wearing at that moment! You may be sceptical, but you must own that was a rather extraordinary coincidence ! nce | You asked me for specimens of modern of flirting. A Anovut ASTROLOGY AND THINGS OF THAT Sort. rather good instance would be Crom Cartneton and Mrs. Vanpe- Leur. Cro is the black-ribbon-watch-chain boy whom I used to like, and she is a dear little woman who adores ut. Vanpe- teur. (I think, myself, Mr. Vanpetzur knows faz too much about stained-glass windows, and lets you know it.) She : much amused at Cror’s evident wish that she should have a hopeless admiration for him. He is quite a child, and longs to have it = loudly as possible, —\~ the ap ae he oes a compromising peo and breaking up y homes, Eo. The joke of it is that Stes. VANDELEUR could take the slightest interest in anyone except Mr. Vanpeteur (which she couldn’t), it would be someone who has lived and suffered, with hair growing a little grey on the temples. A weary smile would be essential. Cxrctt is nineteen, and looks much younger. Here’s a conver- sation they had in the Park : — Cecil (in his earlier manner, not knowing what he means, but intending to dazzle by a st statement). I should like to burn you, like spice, on the altar of a devoted friendship ! Mrs. Vandeleur (literal, fervent, and demure). It’s very kind of you, Mr. Carrneton, especially as I know you only say so out of politeness. Cecil. Wouldn't that be carrying good manners rather far ? Mrs. V. (smiles, and changes the subject. Pointing !o0 me with her parasol). There’s Guapys Lestie, in quite tight slveves. ecil (as if apologetic). Yes. I suppose she doesn’t know they ’re coming in again. Mrs. V. How horrid of you! How nice and fresh she looks! Cecil (seeking to ingratiate by disparagement of her friend). As fresh as paint. Mrs. V. Oh, Mr. Carrncton! you don’t really mean—— Cecil. Well, I should almost fancy she did make up the least little bit in the world, if—— Mrs. V. If what? Cecil (speaking for effect and not from malice). If I didn’t know it for a . Mrs. V. i mae atified). You know too much. You mustn’t talk of my Mends like that. Cecil. May I talk about you instead? I want to esk you a great favour. Mrs. V. Isn’t that talking about yourself? Cecil. It’s to ask if I may come and see you. Mrs. V. I am at home on eager Cecil. Then may I come all the other days? : Mrs. V. What, when I’m out? Is that quite polite ? Cecil (reproachfully). Is that quite kind ? Mrs. V. You may come on Sunday. Cecil. Every Sunday ? f Mrs. V. Every Sunday for a fortnight. Cecil. And may the fortnight begin to-day ? Mrs. V. Certainly. Cecil (in a low voice). And will you be surrounded by crowds ople ? =¢ V. Well, you haven’t given me much time, but I’ll do my best by this afternoon. I'll try to get up a juvenile party for you. of * * * * >. Can you tell me what I ought to wear at a spiritualistic séance / A low dress seems too much, and yet a hat seems somehow wrong. Would green be a nice colour to wear to have your horoscope cast in? I think a chiffon blouse—and perhaps tan gloves—not white. Do advise me. It’s at eight o’clock. With love, Ever your affectionate friend, Guapys A Finst-Crass Rarmway Passencer.—“General Sir Rosert Biopvten, K.C.B., G.C.M.G.,” says the Daily News, “ Governor of Gibraltar, arrived at Plymouth, yesterday, on board the P. and O. steamer Caledonia, which arrived from Bombay, and came on to London by train.” What with motor-cars that stick in the mud whilst the promoters empty the pockets of confiding specta- tors; what with water-wheels that stop out all night; what with the new Brighton railway that is neither boat nor railway car- riage, we are coming to great things in locomotion. But this performance of the Caledonia beats all. Fancy a vessel of 8,000 tons, just arrived from Bombay, quietly taking the train, going on to London, probably dining at its club, and looking in at the theatre afterwards! Sir Tomas Surnertanp has worked marvels since he took direction of P. and O. affairs, and this is his latest. History (as she is written). First Lady. Now what do you think started this Matabele war ? Second Lady. Well, I think it was the rinderpest. First Lady. Oh! is that the name of the Dutch Government ? VOL. CXI,

Page 4

| 278 PUNCH, OR THE [LONDON CHARIVARL = THE SKIPPER AND HIS BOY. The Boy (@G-rge C-rz-n). “‘ Look HE-YAH! YOU MUST NOT SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL!” _[** All he complained of was the facility given under the existing system for raising questions of the utmost delicacy and importance without any notice at all, involving a reply from the Minister responsible for the Department, which he might have to deliver on the spur of the moment”. . . . Mr. Curzon at Manchester, Tuesday, December 1, 1896.) |DecemBer 12, 1896. a

Page 5

Decemper 12, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘ithe oaers nome Mi wt le oe ihe ALL TERY. MOMUEK, gh First Motist (stranded), ** Hi, stor! Second Motist ( flying past). ** LEND ME A PINT OF OIL, PLEASE. AWFULLY SORRY, “ue \." st Mae a rr ited HARDLY LIKELY. (An Incident in a Motor Race.) Sir. HAVEN'T A DROP TO SPARE! OsPas Tas on THe |. ows a Paos cCureo Sy ii MN yuedeariin ite > Wi ——= ps WZ V/\ Tabada yi » oy 6 I’m quire our!” You "LL GET PLENTY AT THE NEXT VILLAGE!” THE NEW ARS POETICA. WovuLp you make sweet music sweeter ? Would you stir men’s hearts when you sing ? ’Tis a question of matter and metre— Audacity, lilt and swing. Chop and change your dactyl and spondee With the trip of the smooth anapest, Adding dialect glib and slang ad lib. To impossible names from the East. You can sing of the Mother who bore you, You can sing of the Pavement Belle, You have all the world before you— To say nothing of Heaven and Hell. No matter too great or little, No words too plain or bold, If Life but avail your pen for a tale Which you tell as a tale should be told. You must blend the Intensely Human With a touch of Essential Beast, Never babble of “fallen woman ”— Let a spade be a spade at least! Don’t ae your Capital Letters, They alone will carry you far, And remember in sooth that Art is Truth, And write of “ Thing: as They Are”! Tae Trurs as To “Crackers.” —G. SparaGNaPane & Co. are veritable dealers in the magic poetry of what the Christmas cracker should be. Inventive i tion runs riot, and every possible idea ~¥ these Christmas w , been rolled up in mystery and covered with the glorious gaudiness so dear to the youthful heart. HOW WE PRINT NOW; Or, Taking the Seasons in Quick Time. SceneE—An Editorial Sanctum. Time—The second week in December. Editor of popular publication discovered. To him enter dis- tinguished Author. Author. Glad to find you disengaged. I have got an idea that I hope will be just in time. Editor. Always ready for you, my dear friend. Sure to be acceptable. Author. Well, I bave a story dealing with two old people-—variety of Darby and Joan Editor. Better make them young—say Paul and Virginia with a difference. Author. They are on the eve of bidding one another farewell. Editor. You mean they have just met one another for the first time. Author. And are arranging a deed of separation. Editor. No, organising an elopement. Author. In January. Editor. Not at all! August. Author. But will all this be seasonable ? How can it be on all fours with Christmas ? Editor. But we don’t want it to be on all fours with Christmas. Author. Surely for a Yule-tide num- r-— Editor. But it won’t do for that. Pub- lished that an age ago. If you are sharp, and send in copy by the 20th, we can get it safely in by the 30th; we commence machining our summer number on New Year’s Day, so as to be ready by p [Modifications MOTE ME BY GASLIGHT! The Light of other Days brought up to date.) Mors me by gaslight, mine own! No tram-car or ‘bus need we hail. We can mote or by oil, love—alone, With no cabby to list to our tale. I have promised to come, for you said You would show me the Auto-car Yours can beat all the rest by a bh ’Tis the speediest ever yet seen. Oh! mote me by ight, my own! A hansom may do for the grey Who trust to the jolti d gee ; But an oil-driven motor, | say, Is the carriage for you, love, and me. Oh! remember the thirty mile’ spin, (In an hour) which we had t’other night! In the next race to Brighton we'll win, For our motor is speedy and light. So mote me by gaslight mine own! Latest rrom Westminster Asssy.—We are not aware if Mr. Hooxgy’s gift of gold plate to Westminster Abbey has been ac- ted by the Dean and Chapter, but we believe the condition attached to the ial “Service of Plate” is that, in com- meessomntion of Ags _ponseat, an annual sermon should ot Hictoyn by the Dean on “The a of wanenandl Bap Omen ror tHe Hovse or Lonps The Chain Pier of Brighton, one of the oldest Piers of the Realm, has been de- pted. stroyed.

Page 6

| tiff of such a stylish an PUNCH, 28U OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |Decemper 12, 1896. JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. (By Basoo Hurry Bunosso Jasserser, B.A.) No. XXX. M inkletow v. Jabberjee (part heard). Mr. Jabberjee fiads cross-exami nation much less formidable than he had anticipated. It is now the second day of my celebrated case, which is such a transcendental success that alread the Court is tight as a drum, while a vast disappointed crowd is barricading imploringly at the doors! I was about to harangue these unfortunates, assuring them I was not responsible for their exclusion, and promising to exert Withcrington, Q.C. my utmost influence with th: Hon’ble Judge that they were all | to be admitted. But my solicitor, seizing me by the forearm, hurried me | through the entrance with the friendly recommendation that I | was "not to be the ballyfool. In the bet amy be perceive JessimiNna seated, in a hat even more | resplendently becoming than her yesterday head-dress, and I am not a little puffed with ee to be proceeded against by a plain- d elegant appearance. 10.25 a.m.—After all, Wiraertneton, Q.C., has paid me the marked compliment of turning up to personally conduct my cross- examination. At which Smartie, Esq., becomes lugubrious, orang that he is capable of turning a inside out in no time unless | am preciously careful. But, knowing that such in- human barbarities are not feasible in civilized regions, I enter the | box with a serene and smiling countenance. . . . | Later.—I am unspeakably delighted with the urbanity (on the whole) with which I have been cross-examined. For, to my wonderment, Wiraertncton, Q.C., commenced with displaying | a respectful and sympathetic interest in my career, &c., whic rendered me completely at my ease, and Nomeae on occasions he did suddenly manifest inquisitorial severity, I soon discovered that his er was merely histrionic, and that he was in secret Mighly grossed by the nature of my replies. And for the most part had the great condescension to treat me with a kin and facetious famiharity. I perceive! t’s a pleasure to come, then. | with the plaintiff prior to your ree OC te were a good eu, | the jungle. h | but the truth? .... Now, just look at this letter of yours, dated June the 15th, I had pouialy commissioned a shorthanded acquaintance of | mine with instructions to take down nothing but my answers, but with inconceivable doltishness he has done the exact con- verse, and transcribed merely the utterances of Mister Wrrner- tmneton! However, as I do not accurately recall my nses, I am to insert the re of the public to read between the lines. Here Foiiows true Report. | Mr. W ihevinaion,. Q.C. Well, Mr. Jappersez, so it seems _ that it is all a mistake about your being a Prince, eh? ... . And, however such an idea may have originated, ver repre- sented yourself as a Rajah, or anythi the kind? . . | was sure you would say so. You have such a high re for truth, and such a sense of the obligation of an oath, that you are in- | capable of a deliberate falsehood at any time—may I take that | for granted? . .. . Very glad to hear it. And of course, Mr. | JABBERJEE, it was no fault of yours if people chose to assume, | from a certain magnificence in pe appearance and way of living and so on, that you must be of high rank in your own country! |. . .. But, though you don’t set up to be a Prince, you are _I believe, a recent acquisition to the honourable profession o | which we are both members? ... . And also a journalist of | some distinction, are you not? .. . . Indeed? I congratulate | you—a highly respectable periodical. And no doubt the pro- prietors have shown a proper appreciation of the value of your services, in a uniary sense? .... Really? You are indeed to be envied, Mr. Jaspersez! Not many young isters can /rely upon making such an income by a gon while they are | waiting for the briefs to come in. May I if you intend to ractice in this country? .... cutta Bar, eh? Then T cuppese you can count upon influence out there? . . . . Your father a Mooktear, is he? I’m afraid I don’t know what that is exactly. . . . A solicitor? Now I understand. So he will ay you cases—in which I am sure you will distinguish yourself. ut you'll have to work hard, won’t you? . . . . I thought so. No more pig-sticking or tiger-shooting, eh? ... . That’s a drawback, isn’t it? You’re passionately devoted to tiger-shoot- in , aren’t you? Unless I’m mistaken, you first won lain- tiff’s admiration by the vivid manner in which you deseri your “moving accidents by flood and field”—another parrallel be- tween you and Orne.io, eh? Well, tell me, I’m no sportsman myself—but it’s rather a thrilling moment, isn’t it, when a tiger is trying to climb 2p your elephant, and get inside the—what do you call it—howlah?—oh, howdah, to be sure; thank you, very much, . . . So I should have imagined. Still, I suppose, when you ’re used to it, even that wouldn’t shake your nerve to any appreciable extent. You would bow! over your tiger at close quar- ters without turning a hair, would you not?... Just so. A great gift, presence of mind. And pig-sticking, now—isn’t a boar rather an awkward customer to tackle? .... “You never found him so”? But suppose you miss him with your spear, and he charges your horse? . . . . Ah, you’re a mighty hunter, Mr. JABBERJEE, Ever shoot any elephants? . ... No elephants! Now, about your relations deal in her company, weren’t you? .... W you constantly escorted her to various places of amusement, come? .. .. Yes, yes; I am quite aware a chaperon was always present. We are both agreed that my client has acted throughout with the most corapeltes propriety—but you liked being in her society, didn’t WORT 2. > > Exactly so, and, at that time at all events, you admired her extremely? . . . . “Merely as a friend,” eh? no idea of proposing? Well, just tell us once more how it was you came to engage yourself... . You were afraid your landlady would summon a boarder and ask him to give you a kicking? . . And the prospect of being kicked terrified you to such an extent that you were willing to promise anything—is that your story? .. . . But you are a man of iron nerve, you know, you ’ve just been giving us a description of your | erga wees in How did you come to be so alarmed by a boarder, when the attack of the fiercest tiger or wild boar never made you ‘turn a hair? ... . But that is what you gave us to understand just now, wasn’t it? .. .. Then do you tell his lordship and the jury now that, as a matter of fact, you never shot a solitary tiger or speared a single boar in your life? Why didn’t you say so at once, Sir? . . . Do you consider a misrepresentation of that kind a mere trifle? .. . . In spite of the fact that you have solemnly sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing Very well, Sir, I will take your answer. 1896. our lordship has a copy of the correspondence. . . . Yes, mS all admitted, my ford.) T’ll read it to you. (Reads it.) Now, Sir, is it the fact that you ever actually d| consulted the gentleman who enjoys the distinction of being astrologer to your family upon your marriage with the ; Feape port here pro tanto, trusting to the ingenuity | i

Page 7

| | tit | the | plaintiff you asked her about a certain china ornament you had | another | have seen a good deal of her, eh? .. . . You were a great ad- | she is engaged to a Scotch gentleman at the | I’m puttin | letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed the conclusion | that this other young lad | you could help it—but wasn’t it so? .... Very well—t | prefers to 7, Ne, | | 1t seems, has of course been seized by such violent indisposition | | that he was compelled to leave the Court. | crushed the Triple Alliance. She had taken Paris, occupied Mos- | cow, and obtained the Treaty of Peace before ie already December 12, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Be careful what you say And did he ever forbid you to contract such an alliance? . . . . Then was there a word of truth in all that? . . .. I thought as much. Let me read you another letter. (He reads.) ere, you see, you make quite another excuse. You are already married, and can only offer 1 laintiff the position of a rival wife, or “sateen,” as you call it. ve you ever contracted an infant marriage in India? .. . | Oh, that is true, is it? But why, when you were paying these | attentions to the plaintiff, did it never occur to you to mention | the fact that you were a married man?.... “You don’t | know”? May it not have been because you were a widower? | Was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this letter? | . . -.. Then why did you write of her as if she were alive? . . . | I quite believe that—but why were you so anxious to break it off just then? . . . . Well, when you were cross-examining the given her, which seems to have been ty ge intended for oung lady. We needn’t mention her name here—but you made her acquaintance some time after your engagement, didn’t you? . . . . And since you left Porticobello House, you mirer of hers, weren’t you? .. . . I’m not asking you whether c present moment— it to you that, at the time you were writing these y was more deserving of the honour of | Mrs. JaBBensez. . . . I am not suggestin that | t is | You can go. the reading of | a letters did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, in | other respects I have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor | informs me it is not worth a candle to call any further witnesses ne as Hon’ble Cummersunp has intimated that he | low unseen, and as for Baboo Cauckersutty Ram, he being the secon all I have to ask you, Mr. JasBEensEe. I must not omit to record that my ) a an So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will in- fallibly secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to | ay a Cock 4 ig ee . ated nly I regret that Jesstmrna’s visage is now completely in- | visible to me, being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also | | that she should carry on such protracted confabulations with her curly-h professional adviser—which is surely lacking in most | ordinary respect for myself and Hon’ble Justice Hongyoa.y! “THE FINAL WAR.” (A Last Chapter, about as probable as its forerunners. ) So England, with the assistance of the United States, had Berlin. described, the negotiations had been brought to a successful con- clusion, thanks to the efforts of H.R.H. the Prince of W-1-s. All was quiet in London—seemingly. But peace was only on the surface. Amongst the millions there was a growing feelin of unrest. “ We are too powerful,” said the foremost man o Shoreditch. “Our prosperity is demoralising,” added the most influential inhabitant of Herne Bay. It was at this crisis that Mr. Rosesrprerre WasHincton Wrot came to the front in a leader published in his organ, Britannia’s Adviser. Mr. Rosss- PIERRE WasHINGTON Wrort counselled disarmament. A Cabinet Council was called, and the standing army (which had been con- siderably augmented during the t war) was reduced from a million and a half to five 7 liens my Then Mr. Rosesprerre Wasninoton Wrot suggested that the Colonies should receive their independence. Again a Cabinet Coun- cil was called, with the same result. Then Mr. Rosesrrerre Wasu- rneton Wror advised the independence of India. Russia was too impoverished by her recent defeat to take advantage of the scheme, so the title of Empress was dropped, and thin e as they were a triple of centuries before. And now Mr. Rosss- PIERRE WasHINGTON Wrot made a final suggestion: England was to divest herself of everything to show her bona fides. No sooner said than done. : But at this point there came a reaction. Someone pointed out that matters been carried too far, and that Wror was a traitor. Jingoism spread over the country like wild-fire. The wonderful victories of “ The Final War” became again realities, and all was well. So Britannia ruled the waves, as she ever can do when she is assisted in the operation by a writer—on paper. Tue Beaune or Contention.—Cheap Burgundy. SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. No, Ill. CANINE SAGACITY. Dear Sin,—You will be interested to hear of the curious action of a little dog belonging to a friend on the same staircase as myself at Brazenface College, Oxford. is animal regularly every morning, at the same hour, brings a young kitten in its mouth, and drowns it in a tub of water which always stands in one place. He is invariably accom- panied by an old hen, who personally superintends the work of destruction, cackling the whole time as if possessed, as she probably is. The hen gravely stalks away when the drowning is completed. To my certain knowledge, no less than thirty-three kittens have thus been destroyed on consecutive days. Now, where does the dog obtain the kittens? Why does he drown them? Is it the result of a solemn anti-feline vow? Is it a vendetta? What is the connecting link with the old hen? Does the hen employ the dog to kill the kittens because cats have injured her eggs or her feelings? I confess myself com- pletely baffled ! Yours ever, A. Soromon (Undergrad.). Sotto Voce. A writer in the Daily Telegraph has complained that loud talkers at railway stations are too prone to uss private affairs in public, but surely the following style of conversation is more vating to bystanders on the same platform : — First Passenger. Yes! Jicorns met Strcors and said—— inter I irst Passenger . ye r ut STIGGINS answer ). No; really? Whispers again. At close of communication both roar with : loughter. Intense mortification of those Second Passenger Nore rrom Oxronp.—Water “Isis” seem very popular at the “ House” just now.

Page 8

Forth then stert ee 282 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 12, 1896. Belle Américaine. “‘ Poppa says You BRITISHERS ARE AKIN TO US, ON BOARD A LIWER. PopPA TELLS ME OUR ANCESTORS CAME OVER IN THE MAYFLOWER.” Matter-of-fact Britisher. ‘‘ An |—wuicu Trip?” A NEW AND SORROWFUL LYTELL CESTE OF ROBIN HOOD. It s proposed to 7m si through Sherwood 0 . Lirne and listen, gentlemen [hat be of Brytyshe blood, I'll tell you of a good yeoman, His name was Kogtn Hoop. Roe stood in Sherwvode Forest, And leaned him to a tree ; And by him stood stout Lirtie Jonny, Both glum as glum could be. “What booteth it?” cried Litrte Joun, “The railway company Is going to shriek and squeale and smoke Under the greenwood tree.” “Oh waly, waly!” cried Rosin Hoop, “Under the leavés green Their sleepers and their rails they ’ll lay, Whereof will be great teen! Merrie England will be no more, There ’ll be no men of stle, When Sherwood heareth the railway roare, And eke ye railway whystle!” Litttz Jonn, Half in tray and teen ; “Let us hang ye Managere,’ “Upon this oke-tree green! “ Alas and waly!” cried Rosin Hoop, “That were a merrye plan, But that, I doubt, would scarce seem good To our Maid Marian. She hath so many tronkes y-now For farthingale and bonnet, She will not fayle to greet ye rail With glee, depend upon it! I trowe when arches roof ye brake, And tunnels pierce ye thycket, ’ he cried, »” She will not weepe, but uppe and take A firste-classe seasoun tycket! She hath already a cycle got, She rideth it near and far ; And next she ’ll get, or I’ll be shot, A moderne motor-car! ” Then pepe and blubbered poor LittLe OHN | tria, Germany, and Russia. (2) Coupons for hotel accommodation (premier quality) sufficient to last a month. (3) A tourist outfit, with fur-lined overcoat. (4) Half a dozen best whiskey. (5) Half a dozen best brandy. (6) A travelling library, includ- ing the works of Dickens, THACKERAY, Rupyarp Kipiine, and Water Besant. (For he, though brave, was human), (7) An insurance ticket for £1,000. (8) A “*Tis never merry in the green wood, concertina or a musical box (playing twelve Since Marian turned Newe Woman!” tunes) at choice. (9) A bicycle. (10) A Forth then went brave Rosin Hoop, With a most mournful cheere ; The tears out of his eyen ran, And fell down by his lere. “Gramercy!” cried he, “ neath the green- w tree, This hour is sure the sorest! I ne’er did thinke to live to see Railways in Sherwoode Forest!” portable tent. (11) A conversation book in four languages. And (12) lastly, a war- rant of naturalisation available for every country in the world outside the United Kingdom. ere, Sir, is the idea. The effect would be that ’Arry and ’Arriet would be lured away from their native land duri the festive season, and possibly be induced, later on, to take up their residence perma- — away from home. Surely this A SEASONABLE SUGGESTION. would be a direct gain to the entire com- Dear Mr. Puncu,—About this time of | ™™™ty? Yours genially, A ConrirnMep GRUMBLER. P.S.—I might add that to make “the new Goose Clubs” appropriate, not only in purpose, but in name, the geese might be supplied by the shareholders. the year, it is customary for tea-dealers and licensed victuriiers to start “Goose Clubs,” with the aid of the weekly sub- scriptions of their customers. As a rule, the Christmas bonus includes, besides the succulent bird, several bottles of ardent | Fite Pn ts and ort ot At the Close of the Racing Season. a suggestion. I would propose that a| Owner (to friend, pointing to disappoint- company should be formed to supply the ing colt). fiers he is, as well bred as public with a number of tide a en |any horse in the world, but can’t win a race. Now what’s to be done with him ? Friend (suddenly inspired). Harness the beast in front of a motor-car. He’ll have at the cost, say, of a guinea a-piece. For that sum purchasers should obtain (1) a to the continent enabling the voyager pass to travel (lst class) through France, Aus- to travel, then.

Page 9

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemegr 12, 1896. had dMuidialtisytt titi Nitiiltd tiny il NINH | SWaiW be “GOOD BUSINESS!” Kueprve. “‘PLEASE, SIR, THEY SAY YOU’LL HAVE TO PAY THIS YOURSELF!” Joun BuLu (calling out after France and Russia). “ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN ! ONLY REMEMBER— WHO PAYS THE PIPER, CALLS THE TUNE’!”

Page 10

Page 11

© Decemper 12, 1896.} con PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 285 G Dew che Rymeen - LABOR OMNIA VINCIT. ” a : NEW SPORTING DICTIONARY OF FAMILIAR LATIN PHRASES. (LABOUR OVERCOMES EVERYTHING, ) id DARBY JONES ON WINTER KEEP. Honovurgep Sir,—The curtain has rung down upon that fine drama the Flat Racing Season, and the Royal Turf Theatre has been let by the Clerk of the Weather to the Variety Company which can such wonderful feats with Hurdles, Banks, Ditches, Brooks, and Fences. And even the Clerk is a bit of a Clown himself. Look how he killed sport at Newmarket last week. Opening with a prospect of skating, and then drenching the Earth like a consistent London water-cart does the streets when the rain and vehicles are turning the thoro ares into ploughed fields. Paddling about a sloshy course with great Blobs of Damp hitting you heavily in the optics is not my i oO Sporting Pastime; but then, you see, hon- oured Sir, without this stick-hopping di- version during the months when Kude reas and Co. exercise their right to draw draughts at sight, where would many of our Fellow-creatures be ? Winter Keep is a very serious matter, more weighty, I assure you, with a good many Britons, than is either the Evil Con- duct of the Sutan or the Presentation of Ancient Poetry to the American Ambassa- dor. Of course a Turfite, who has worked hard all the season, and brought off a Good Thing at the backend, concerns him- self but little about the Hop ing, Skip- ping and Jumping. He feels like a man who has espoused an Heiress, and departs to celebrate his honeymoon in the Sunny South, where he knows that he will run no chance of being made ill by the hospitable luttony and indiscreet wine-bibbing of an “nglish Christmas. But the unhappy ight who has been rolled over like a cocoa-nut from a stick by the cruel blows of Papen Fortune, is constrained to try end mend his position. He puts his nose to the grindstone of S le-chasi asing and Hurdle-racing, with a determination to become as sharp as those who lay up Bo-| from the ‘“leppers” for the winter like the dor- mouse does his store of purloined cereals. He has a Hard Task before him. There a no gt pho as a soppers, Skippers, and Jumpers, y when they haif from the Island of Potatoes and Dublin Prawns. You will see some rough- coated brute that you never heard of be- fore come shambling on to a course with the sction of a rhinoeerous, and then, heigh presto! before you ejaculate “John Robinson!” or “Richard Crusoe!” this same anti-diluvian quadruped has landed a retty little stake and a much larger col- ection of bets. The meeting and the country have been — for him, of course. “It’s the difference in obstacles as does it,” said the descendant of the f | Kings of Tipperary to me last week. And without dispute. I’ve seen a tip-top flyer, a crack Bullfincher Shires come down into West Hampshire, and be —— into cat’s meat by an ugly New Forest pony with a head on him a coal-hammer. But he knew how to jump on to banks, not try to fly them. But this is, as XenorpHoN remarked, as di ion. Even the never-say-dic “ Boys ” he is right, Sir often mate sport, an in, be seen, like so many sparrows, pecking ibout Piccadilly Circus for the means wherewithal to satisfy their occasional aunger and ever-constant thirst. And so Newmarket, Wye, Sandown, Kempton, Windsor, Plumpton, et id omne genus, as you say in the classics, never want for pa- trons, when a sensible man, if not basking on the Riviera, would be warming his toes fires, which | before one of those sea-coal have found no cheaper since the City dues were removed by Act of Parliament. And yet there are some Absolute Gifts to be picked up for the asking, such, for in- stance, as sugpaciing se a performer as the edammga ye in Newmarket Grand Military. It was shelling peas to plank et “left” at the illegiti- | should ice and snow set | down one’s doubloons in favour of the Nautical Nag, even though ing the slight odds ot 6 to 5 on Mr. A. Lawson’s mount. Reverting to things personal and deli- | cate, I am glad to believe, Sir, that, obe- | dient, perhaps, to a fine Sense of Honeur, | you have no attempt to make ac- quaintance with the Lovely Lady, and I have set such a watch on her correspon- dence that I am sure you will never receive the Christmas Card, which no doubt you are expecting. I am not Jeal- ous, but there is no man more Conserva- tive of Property than Your lynx-eyed Servitor, Darsy Jongs. [We expect no Christmas Card from any lady, lovely or otherwise. As an amateur detective D. J. | is simply ridiculous.— Ep. } SPORTIVE SONGS, A Bachelor visits a Lifetime Friend, who has married a fair Lady. | I’m staying with my old friend Brown. | iis country house is on the Down That stretches to the sea ; A pleasant nook it holds between The pines, that never lose their green, But ever young shall be. l’ve known old Brown since he and I At Eton met, and by and by From Oxford sallied forth To travel on the Continent— No matter where—I think we went East, West, and South and North. I’m sure we got into disgrace, And ran like madcaps many a race We could not hope to win ; But that’s the eager fault of Youth— It never knows the pungent truth Of Waiting to Begin. Old Brown and I for many a day Would let Time roll—we loved the play ! *T was like a football match, When at the Wall or in the Field We resolutely would not yield Till forced our breath to catch. And so we mixed our cares and joys, A pair of very foolish boys, And kicked the ball of Life ; And then we parted. Now I find Old sympathies are left behind, For Brown has got a wife! A charming creature, fair to view, With amber hair and eyes of blue, And such a winning smile! The sort of goddess one might deem To be begot by painter's Of pertect woman-style. And yet somehow I do not care To waste my glances on her hair That shines like liquid gold. Nor do I seek her eyes divine Nor care to hear her voice with mine Blend in the stories told. No better hostess could there be ; She ’s always looking after me Like some well-cherished gown. I think that my dislike is due To Something that is all too new— The awful change in Brown! — | Very Approrriats.—Mr. Berrsonm Tree opened, at the Knickerbocker Thea- tre in America, with Seats of the Mighty.

Page 12

286 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 12, 1896.

READY-MADE COATS-(OF-ARMS); OR, GIVING ’EM" FITS!

\\\\. “ ‘ e- ‘ ‘i —

as ; C Ae * UBIO eR? ek é A MPSTE AO $9 * SX oven QUE ET SEMPER WV R\ ae A , nana EL ——— Arms: Quarterly ; lst, a pyrotechnic carnival ot bed proper; 2nd, three Lorp L-no. tropical cocoa-nute statant sable (three shies a penny); 3rd, an ancient British Arms : Quarterly ; 1st, three bars wait fretty in the wings ; 2nd, an heraldic barrow, supposed to be charged with <7 of Queen Boapicra ; 4th, an arry pavilion, or changing-tent proper, outside a pair of heraldic dancing-pum issuant from three bars blatant on a field dotty. Crest: An ass’s head re- ajso fairly accurate ; 3rd, inside taree ’alls a (k)night; 4th, a professional's gardant reproachful, probably charged on the body with a segue semaan. brougham passant be:ween two ‘alls ’eraced. Crest: A lion comique rampant Supporters: Dexter, an arriet plumed and garnished somethink like, I tell in garb base to the last degree, holding in dexter hand an heraldic parapluie yer, simuster, a coster arrayed pearly to the nines, charged with a concertina | slightly out of repair all proper. Supporters: Dexter, one of the “ gods” all proper. Second motto: A regular beno. regardant, inclined to repartee; sinister, a denizen of the fauteuils d’orchestre “It has been decided that arms shall be devised for Hampstead.” — Daily eo wy merged to the last, charged on the breast for distinction with a solitaire Paper.) of the first water. iit sa : too much of Du Maurier, and my Baronite finds in this volume OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. many pleasant echoes of a voice that is still. In The Herb Moon (Fisner Unwin), Jonn Oviver Hospes’s latest story-book, my Baronite finds all that cynical mood, rapid insight into character, carefully-polished and sharply-bar

G. A. Henry, of the marvellous pen, fights one of our great battles over in At Agincourt, where “the one jolly English- man” knocked the bloom of the flower of French chivalry “into sentences, that attracted him in early days to Some Emotions a cocked hat,” as our interested and very British schoolboy re- gnd q@ Moral. Here, as there, plot is not the authoress’ chief marks. Especially as the hero had to encounter the “ White stand-by. She tells again the old, old story, how two youn ove Hoods ” of Paris. In his other book, the young naval adventure ople each other ; how misunderstanding comes about, an is launched with Cochrane the Dauntless on the troubled waters om they part. He becomes a soldier. She might have married of South American seas. Then there is The Loss of John 1 - ; | —not a market-gardener, but a baronet. She resisted the temp- Humble, by G. Norway, and it will be that boy’s loss who does tation, and he, coming back from the wars with the Victona not read it. Lastly comes Violet Vereker’s Vanity, in which Cross, marrics her, retires from the army, goes into Parliament, Annie E. Anmstrone (“more power to her elbow!”) tells a) and “it is said will be in the next Cabinet”—a very happy charming story of a girlish folly. All the above-mentioned are | chance for a retired colonel, who apparently, has not yet been to be found in the stores of Buackrz & Son’s Book Cellars, | even a Junior Lord of the Treasury. But The Herb Moon is whose address must of course be sought in a Directory of | avowedly a fantasia, and all things may happen under it. Mrs. Darkest London. | Harroby, who nearly marries Rose to the eons. is an enter- Horn Book Jingles. By Mrs. Artour GasKIN. (Leadenhall | taining rson, reminiscent of Ethel Newcome’s protectress, Lady Press ; SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & —_~ Another illustrated book for | Kew. he volume is enriched by a charming sketch of the smaller folk, though the idea of what our great-great-grand: | authoress. mother’s Horn Book was — be a trifle beyond the grasp of | Mr. Asusy Sterry’s Tale of the Thames, brought out by Butss, even our modern babies. ese dainty jingles —— enlighten | Sannps & Co. (what happiness in the name of this firm of pub- them, for the nineteenth-century babies are generally well ad-||lishers! Do not Briss and Sanps suggest a series of, say, vanced, and the Horn Book should get on well if it can only | Beatitude at Broadstairs, Merriment at Margate, and Rapture blow its own trumpet. \at Ramsgate?), will be found a charming companion by the In Bohemia with Du Maurier enshrines Mr. Fetrx Moscue.es’s | winter fireside, when it delights the gallant young watermen and recollections of happy days spent in Belgium with our lost | waterwomen to recall the adventures of their happy summertide “Kicky.” It shows him, as in intimate company he was up to|on the River Thames. Likewise will the book invaluable as the last, lighthearted, full of fun and good fellowship. It was | an entertaining guide to water-parties who love to take their his early manner—this also preserved unto the last—of drawing | pleasure “down * Henley’ way.” Mr. STerry knows the ropes sketches at the head, tail, or on the margin of letters to his | and how to work the lines. Take him as your guide, trust to friends. Mr. Moscees has preserved over three-score, which | him to show you the river, and consider him as Mr. Ashby Steery. are reproduced, and add caaile to the pleasure and interest of | The illustrations, by W. Harerext, are delightful. Pity they the simple annals of student life in the fifties. Whilst Dv | could not have been many ae in water colours. : Maurier was studying and larking at Malines, there came a| Of prettily-got-up books, suitable to most times, and to Christ- time when, literally, a shadow fell upon his life. He had lost the | mas time in particular, Jou Lang, the active brain of the sight of one eye, and a cheerful doctor told him the other must | Bodley Head, produces not a few. Among his latest is The needs follow. It seemed the end of all his hopes and ambition. | Children, by Auice Meynety. Its natural simplicity is its great But he bore the trial with unabated cheerfulness. “If one can’t | charm. All who are interested in children at Christmas time—an int,” he said, “one must do something else—write perhaps,” | who is not ?—will have their pleasure enhanced oy sees this be added, in a fash of unconscious prophecy. One cannot know | little book. Baron.

eS

Page 13

DecemBer 12, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ty { \ i, S i M \\hn fe 5 A PLEASANT PROSPECT. Friend (running down for a day or two to Brown's “‘ little place”). ‘‘ RATHER A PITY YOU HAVEN'T ANY CABS OR "BUSES HERE, ISN T IT 1” Brown, “‘ Pity? Nor A BIT! WHY, WE HAVE A GRAND THREE-MILE WALK BEFORE US; BUT IF YOU 'RE NOT A GOOD WALKER, WE CAN SAVE A GOOD MILE OR 80 BY CUTTING ACROSS THESE FIELDS [Friend rather wishes he hadn't come. ECONOMICAL REFRESHMENTS. (At a Dance in aid of a Dispensary.) Toven not that fatal lemonade! at claret-cup, I have a notion, Is like the drinks the Borcias made— A healthy, hospitable potion! That sherry is an English wine ; ey give us drinks they oughter,” Perhaps to suit some tastes—not mine ; I'll take a glass of simple water. “ didn’t And ices, too, like those are sold On any barrow for a penny ; Small boys survive them, I am told. | No, thank you, I will not take any! Oh, doctors, did you plan this dance That to this fact we might awaken— There comes to all of us by chance A time when physic must be taken ; Dispensaries are needful, so We, having made a contribution, Should after such refreshment go Ourselves to test your institution ? As we Live now. Go-ahead Squire (to rector’s factotum). Well, Rinewe.t, what can I do for you? Ringwell. Master’s compliments, and | could you oblige him, Sir, with your motor- | car to try the ice on the parish pond ? THE “NEW BOY.” (His Rules for Parents during the Holidays.) 1. ALL parents must get up early in the morning, in order to ese that the oe is made perfectly comfortable before the chil- dren come down—fires in full swing, rayers over, newspapers aired, and x ast laid. 2. Bread and milk, and porridge are for- bidden as articles of food. The daily bill of fare to be submitted to a committee of children. 3. Bikes to be supplied to all children, with, when space permits, at least one motor-car. 4. Smoking cigarettes everywhere to be permitted. 5. Late dinner every night, but no grown-up parties. 6. List of amusements, theatres, dances, &c., to be arranged by the children on the first day of the vacation. 7. No holiday tasks, and no lectures. 8. No fixed time for going to bed or rising in the morning. 9. Pocket-money, as settled b tion, to be served out every breakfast or lunch. abitra- y after 10. All rooms to be free for romps or | h games. 11. All servants to obey orders from the children, without heeding the habits or wishes of parents. 12. No slops to be served out. Cham- pagne every night. 13. Noise must never be objected to. Football, when desired, in all the ges. 14. It is distinctly to be understood that any breach of the above regulations will entitle the children to Go on sTRIKE, and remain out till a handsome indemnity has been paid and apologies offered. 15. It is also understood that the word “parents” includes grandparents, uncles aunts, cousins (grown up), guardians, an all other tyrannical persons whatsoever. Curistmas Carnps.—Booklets and calen- dars of most subtle daintiness come from those artistic firms of Marcus Warp and Raprnazgt Tuck & Sons, who have politely left their Christmas cards on us at our office. Muiscn & Stock evidently decided that “it’s humour we want,” and so, on a good Christmas Mischion, they have set out with a Stock of quaint novelties. A New Game.—There is an uncompro- mising sound about “Table Football,” which, being brought out by “Woour & Son,” sounds suggestive of “ r-fighting ” in the dining-room. But it’s a quiet game. Don’t keep the Woolf from the door. Let im in. Apvice to 4 Demacogre. — Remember that it isn’t Mann who disposes of both land and sea.

Page 14

[Decemper 12, 1896. HINTS FROM OUR INVENTOR'S NOTE-BOOK. Tue Inrant-Carrier. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED FoR TwINs. AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE. A MARRIAGE. Dear Mister,—During that I write the notes for my guide, in visiting the english towns, I am alldays very content of to have the occasion of to observe the manners and the habitudes of your compatriots. I have spoken there is some time of a “croquetparty ”; at present I go to describe a marriage. He goes without to say that, after to have received the in- vitation, I expedite a little cadeau de noces, a little gift of nuptials, to the charming miss. That it is precisely as in France, and one cannot mistake himself. But I wanted, je manquai, of to mistake myself otherwise. Naturally I have the intention of to go to the church in black habit and white cravat, also as in France. For not to mistake myself I ask to one of my friends, also invited, if one carries his habit, his frac, at the church, and he responds that yes, one carries his frac coat. Therefore I dress myself after the déjeuner, and I attend this friend, because I go with him to the church. He arrives a little in delay, en retard, and the instant that he perceives me he cries hims:lf, “ Bijove, my dear fellow, did not I tell you that at a wedding one wears a frac coat?” “Eh, well,” I respond, “I have put my frac coat. Why have you not done of same?” “You mean,” says he, “ you are going to put on your frac coat? But you cannot wear it with an evening waistcoat and a white tie.” We say all this very quick, being so pressed. “For why not?” I demand, “and also why are not you ready?” “I am,” responds he “Tiens! How that? You wish to say that one goes to a marriage en redingote?” “In a fruc coat, of course.” frac is a redingote, and also that I have not one instant to lose. Aided by my friend, I throw my gibus, my frac, my white cravat, my white gloves, and my other habits, I put a grey cravat in marine knot, a redingote, &c., I seize my hat high form, we descend to the carriage, and as quick as possible we go to the church, where we arrive much in delay. The church is filled of world. Not only all the parents of the charming fiancée, the female affianced one, and all the parents of the male affianced one, and all the inviteds, but also cf other persons, some women, even some childs, who are entered for to see the marriage. As in France, it is a spectacle for them. By consequence we are obliged of to rest all at the end of the nave, and I see not anything of the marriage. In effect the women hold themselves unright all the time, and the childs are even on the benches, all regarding the ceremony. However st the fine, between the heads of my neighbours, I see to pass the auptial cortége—the new marrieds, the misses of honour, and the witnesses. Then all the world precipitates himself in the street, | und after some time we find our carriage, and we go at, chez, the | mother of the young spouse “un fivoclock” or “wn lunch de cing heures.” _ceceive in the saloon the felicitations of their friends, and me Then I comprehend that in english a | There also much of world, for that which we call in France The new marrieds tlso I give to each one a shake-hands, and I say, “All my feli- ‘itations.” Then I am presented to some ones of the ladys and to the charming misses of honour. And all the world goes to see the beautiful gifts of nuptials, exposed in the hall of billiards. As in France the friends have given enormously of théiéres, tea- pots, of saliéres, salt-pots, and of bonbonniéres, goodies-pots, but there is much of objects of more great value, in jewellery and n goldsmithery, as well as in silvery, and also some cheques. Ah, the charming cheques—not of Panama! During all this time one can not to seat himself in any room, it cause of the number of the assistants, and all simply also be- sause he wants, il manque, absolutely of chair. It is very atigning. However, in fine the new marrieds go themselves iway to the station, and me also I can to part for to re my- self at the hotel, where I put my black habit and my white cra- vat, without fear of to mistake myself this time here, for the ball of the evening. It is a ball of the most ravishings. Me I dance with the charm- ing english misses just to the fine. That they are adorable! So gay, so animated! And all the time that I speak they have the air so amiable, so smiling, from the moment where I say, ‘Will you accord me a valse, miss?” And I conduct of them someones to the buffet for to take a gazeous lemonade—ah no, it is a squash of lemon!—or an ice, and more late all the world goes to the supper. Then we dance still; there is the Dance of the Barn, and a dance all new, the “ Washington’s Post,” very droll in effect. At three of clock and half of the morning it is finished, I give a shake-hands to the amiable hostess, and / part with thousand thanks of her gracious hospitality. Agree, &c., AUGUSTE. AT NAZARETH HOUSE. A very practical Christmas Carol. Gop bless you, merry gentlemen! Does misery you dismay ? Remember Charity, like Love, will always find a way. And as the Christmastide draws nigh when Charity, at least, Would bid the sufferer’s soul rejoice, and let the poorest feast, Let grateful thoughts of Nazareth, and all the boon and bliss That name still brings to bruiséd hearts in so sad world as this, Rouse you to service of your kind, the spirit’s best response To the Great Service done by One for all! He who but once Has passed the threshold of that door wide open unto all At Nazareth House at Hammersmith, is evermore the thrall Of tender, loving memories. Spontaneous there hath sprung. In service of the very old and of the very young, Needs bitterest extremes, a spring of charity and love As pure as inexhaustible. From sources high above The dusty level of our days such streams must ever flow ; But rains that fall on loftiest heights enrich the plains below. And piety and passionate humanity combine To perfect Charity’s best work. Wouldst have such work be thine, Not in devoted hermitage, but as a quickening gleam Amidst life’s daily battle-task ? Then help to swell that stream Which freely flows for old and young, for every class and creed, From Nazareth’s nurturing ministry. Great ever is the need Of rilis auxiliar, for the wastes of London’s life are wide ; Poverty’s parching thirst is sore, sorrow on every side Pleads mutely for compassionate aid that overtaxes still The scant resource of Christian love, the coffers of goodwill Help swell them! ‘Tis a Christian task that brings a doubie on To self and to the suffering poor. Send freely and send soon! Go, see the sisterhood’s good work, sick children taught to smile, And old folk in safe hermitage. It shall be worth your while, And leave sweet recollection. Nought will be rejected there, The modest dole, the cast-off garb, the broken food, the prayer! All ol yeas mark at Christmastide, love, grateful heart, glad hope. - ; At Nazareth House in Hammersmith shall find most fitting scope. Ack

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— Decemper 12, 1896.

WELCOME ALWAYS, a KEFP IT HANDY, 99 |Martell’s chan Mowat APENTA DELICIOUS—COMFORTING sn CRA oe THE BEST NATURAL APERIENT WATER. } Of all Chemists and Mineral Water Dealers, Prices: 6d, Is., and 1s. 3d. per bottle. Sole Importers: TWE APOLLINARIS CO., Lro., LOWOOW.). = = FRERES' EVERY HOME Coeopeyage| ay oreamncs FIRST QUALITY R 19) RAZOR CHERRY BRANDY, CHAMPAGNE. BEAUTIFIED PERFECT containing 1 gs, Bottles, or 2 doz. Half MOST ACCEPTABLE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS, — and may be had of all Wiae Merchants

mas Turner & Co. make their own steel. Black osae® BEDFORD. Bee WE PIcTURES. Lsucmese* | SACRRAM'S Horse Rakes, ers, ‘T. TURNER & CO. sWor ue SHEFFIELD, Trussers, Fodder , Oil : . “ : (Uustrated V- | Who will supply through nearest Agent gines, and Portable Railway. 4 Catalogue Axh for “ Bacove” Pocket and Table Cutlery.

NEW HOND STREET, LONDON, Ww. | ae MADE WITH | FOR PLEASURE AND PROFIT. ‘BERLIN: PHOTOGRAPHIC CO. g BALSAM OF P DISTILLED WATER. nufactory, Cr Highest Award at Food ‘and 00 shery Exhib " tion, London, May 1895 and 1806. Nothing so profitable and SAVORY oF Ka By PONS, ee As Supplied to H.M. the QUEEN easy to grow. EDS MOORE’S Se << di ad “plied | BREAD. | Ly INFANTS’ FOOD) | ae | A a BEST PROCURABLE, “= H O Vv I S

See that all Bread is stamped * HOVIS.”’ WORTH et Cie If any difficulty be experienced in obtain fs ° ing “HOVIS,” or what is supplied is not tHUNDREDS of THOUSANDS. Under Royal Patronage — satisfactory, please write, sending samp! Lists Free. ’ BISCUITS. OSE SE BEST AND MOST ECONOMICAL 6d. and 1s samples on receipt of stamps - i ~ - " f which will be def d) t& Bushes in variety. Packing and gen <. SPECIALITE (the cost o w efrayed) to arr free for Cash with order. Y “ilar ie Sak CORS ETS AN ISEED. Sngumn magocserese 0 sa Zi J ai. carriage one p 5 2 eo erate departs COUGHS, ASTHMA, BRONC mrves, & | cA wPOTS From 15/- a doz, < ~ lew - for ‘yx very ph o oid byt em ists throughout the wo a —_ 5 i rname: Trees res Cory et ul with« a , “Ley tke 2. 17 i "7 Super Col —~ he + ONLY ADDRESS : . veel € to re -s De ne sift, saa” Cad | : a ag x 4 134, NEW BOND ST., W. Prepared only by : Clematis (80,000) from 15 -doz. . ction with | 220MAS POWELL, Blackfriars Road, London. | N.B.—Single Plants are sold at Kegommectan S . The best slightly increased prices. — j Baking CENERAL CATALOCUE Powder patil Nhe Ta World some hund! reds of illustrations, World. ai! tall of valuaiie nformat on CRATEFUL—COMFORTING RICHD, § a & CO., WORCESTER. SUCHARD’S COCOA. CO O C O A fe Hace al 66 P U N °c M 93 | | Nature's Choicest. ; ace oo UE

LINOTYPE COMPOSING MACHINES. The lovely meence, * Ché tain Foncee 5 Hake Ha only wy wintvic ‘a Gat — ate

Price bs. éd., 0s. 6d or tinting grey « aded Ma “PRIN valuable

1878: —P 4 Lg UV { NON MEMCUMIAL MS te admitted Aa. be e and Safest Article Cleaning Silver sod treyrbans woes ade tr e veryw ere, mes, le. . Of Highest oan” and Having Greatest Durabilit — Therefore CHEA ROSBACH Game THE BEST TABLE WATER IN THE WORLD, | MMMAaiuaclodaumaus

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Dacempgr 12, 1896. ried Now Ready. “a A PICTURE GALLERY FOR ONE SHILLING! PEARS’ ANNUAL CHRISTMAS, 1896, CONTAINS TWELVE WHOLE-PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS IN COLOURS, By J. C. DOLLMAN, RI GEO. C. KILBURNE, RI. FRANK DADD, R.L EDWARD F. BREWTNALL, R.W.S.

Illustrative of the subject entitled “FROM CHRISTMAS EVE TO TWELFTH NIGHT:” Or, “A Real Old-fashioned English Christmas.” By the Editor, JOSEPH GREGO, PPAPLAL LE It also contains a story of Yule-Tide by GEORGE R. SIMS, entitled, “Once Upon a Christmas Time,” With Nine Illustrations by CHARLES GREEN, R.I., PUNCH ALMANAGK is now on sale at ali the Bookstatls, Booksellers and Newsagents. be T