Punch 1894: Vol 107

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ar Wace cally Sheng: ‘ PUNCH & von Pes ION vie k x4 oe) MI 7E FO TT +g ayy 7 gunst® Ooi ranns ys LONDON : PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 1894. 85, FLEET STREET,

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LONDON : BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.

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Decemner 29, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL i

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Sh PARIS ~~ COUNCILS REPORT

SceneE—Mr. Poxcn’s Sanctum at “ the Season of the Year.” Enter Sir Rocer pe Covertey and Dr. Synrax. 66 OU may not recognise me, Mr. Puxcu?” quoth the old Knight, with stately modesty. “Not recognise Sir Roczr pe Covertey?” rejoined Mr. Puncu, urbanely. ‘“ Why, even disguised as a _ Saracen’s Head—ha! ha! ha!—I should know those well-loved lineaments,” “T perceive, indeed,” said the Knight, with scarcely-veiled complacency, “that you have perused my friend Arricus- Appison’s all-too flattering account of me and my several adventures.” “I know my Spectator by heart,” replied Mr. Puncn. “ Nor,” added he, turning to the quaint, black-vestured, bob- wigged figure at Sir Roerr’s elbow, “ are Dr. Sywrax’s Tours unfamiliar to my memory. Like yourself, I can say — ‘ You well know what my pen can do, | I ride, and write, and sketch, and print, I prose it here, I verse it there, | And I employ my pencil too. And thas create a real mint ; And picturesque it everywhere.'” “‘ Marvellous man!” cried Dr. Synrax, lifting his eyebrows until they almost met the downward curve of his tilted wig. “ Topsy,” cried Mr. Puxcn, “ call for clean pipes,a roll of the best Virginia, a dish of coffee, wax candles, and the _ Supplement (otherwise my Christmas Number). Tell them, Tontas, to follow with a bowl of steaming punch—my own par- ticular merum nectar—and Sir Roger shall see what I have forgotten of his story, his tastes, and the duties of Amphitryon ! ” In two minutes the Illustrious Trio were “ making the centuries meet” under the benignly blending influences of | Good Tobacco, Sound Tipple, and Cheery Talk. | “ And how fares ‘ Our Village ’ (to quote Miss Mrrrorp) in these revolutionary days? ” queried Dr. Syntax. Mr. Poncn smiled, and promptly quoted :-— “* And liquor that was brew’d at home Then to his pipe he kindly took, Among the rest was seen to foam. And, with a condescending The Doctor drank, the Doctor ate, Call’d on his good Host to relate Well pleased to find so fair a treat. What was the Village's new state.’ ” “ Exactly so,” cried the pursuer of the picturesque, profoundly flattered by Mr. Punon’s prodigious memory. “ Aye, prithee, Mr. Puncu,” said the old Knight, seriously, “tell us what means all this new-fangled nonsense of | | Parish Meetings, Village Councils, Hodge pitchforked into power, and Squire and Parson out of it, and I know not what | revolutionary rubbish and impious absurdity ?” | “Tt means, my dear Knight,” replied Mr. Poncu pleasantly, “that power and responsibility, otherwise the Village Vote, are, like a new IpHiceEnt4, to rouse the rustic Cymon into manhood and manners, till he of whom it was said that ‘ His corn and cattle were his only care, | And his supreme delight, a country fair,’ | shall iearn to rule not only himself, but his own village. You remember your Darpen, Sir Rooer ?”

a er te wee oe - ee ———

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Decmnen 29, 1894. | —_

“ Humph!” groaned the Knight, “ too well, too well ! ‘ A judge erected from a country clown’ might do well enough in poetry, but may mean ruin in practice. My misguided and stubborn friend, Sir Axprew Freeport, should have lived to see this day, and acknowledge the prescience of the testy old Tory he was wont to deride.” “ Tilly-vally, my dear Sir Rooen,” returned the host, cheerily ; “trouble not thine honest soul with such gruesome forebodings. ‘ The old order changeth, yieldeth place to new.’ But ‘tis ‘lest one good custom should corrupt the world.’ Crmox, with a vote, will not capsize the Commonwealth, any more than the British workman hath done, despite the prognostications of Bos Lowe and other cocksure clever ones. I ‘ll see that the ‘Good Old Times’ are not banished, save to give place to Better New Ones! The New Village, Dr. Syxtax, may not be quite as picturesque—in the old artistically dilapidated, damp, dirty, disease-gendering sense—as the old one. As you yourself said— ‘ Though ‘twill to hunger give relief, There ’s nothing picturesque in beef.’ No, nor are cleanliness, sanitation, education, fair wage, an independent spirit, and the capacity for self-government. These things, dear Doctor, make the Man, not the Picture, and Man-making is—or should be—the aim of modern statesmanship.” “Mr. Poxon,” said Sir Rocer pe Covertey earnestly, “ my only wish is that Merry England, in going in for the New Politics may not lose the old humanities and humours and heartinesses.” “ As described, Sir Rooer, in your own words, of which your presence and the festive season, remind me: ‘I have often thought that it happens very well that Christmas should fall out in the middle of winter. It is the most dead, un- comfortable time of the year, when the poor people would suffer very much from their poverty and cold, if they had not good cheer, warm fires, and Christmas gambols to support them. I love to rejoice their poor hearts at this season, and to see the whole village merry in my great hall. I allow a double quantity of malt to my small beer, and set it a-running for twelve days to everyone that calls for it.’” (The Spectator, No. 131, Tuesday, July 31, 1711.) “Trust me, gentlemen,” continued Mr. Poncn, “all that was really good—like this—in the Good Old Times you know can be preserved in the Better New Times we hope for. There will be pleuty of work for the Sir Rogers, the Dr. Sywraxes, for your humane Vicar, Doctor, and your Squire Heanry and Squire Bounry, in the New Village as in the old one. We love the old country customs, but our country dance cannot for ever be to the same old tune—even the loved and time-honoured one of ‘ Sir Roger de Coverley’!” “ Sir,” said the good old Knight, gladly, “ you are doubtless right—as you always are—and I shall return to the Shades greatly solaced both by your good cheer and your good counsel! ” “ Sorry to lose your company so soon!’ cried the Fleet Street Amphitryon. “I perceive, Dr. Sywrax, that your old grey mare, Grizzle, awaits you at the door. ‘Vale! O Vale!’ Yow ride pillion-wise, Sir Roaer, I suppose. Well, to cheer your journey, brighten the Shades, and reassure ye both as to the safety of the New Village under the guidance of the | Old Counseller, take with ye my One Hundred and Sebenth Volume!”

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ee iy: PUNCH" VOLUMES The HALF-YEARLY Volume of “ PUNCH," containing the Nos. from COMPLETE SETS January to June, 1894, Is published this day, in brown cloth, gilt edges, price 8s. 6d, HALF-YEARLY—106 Volumes, to dune 80th, 1894, price 8s. 6d. each. YEARLY—653 Volumes, to December 31st, 1893, price £30 12s. 64d. DOUBLE-YEARL Y—26 Volumes, to December 31st, 1892. Half-bound, £27 Is. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. 4s 1 a ‘ i} ~@ tly 1 y} | Wilt 26 WG :, +t ’ ¢{]| " I Bl ~ Ny ‘ Bes rs OR A |! wen ™ - me Registered at the General Post Office as & Newspaper. VOLUME CVIL. —_—— a aT ees eee PNG VOLS Raines ' LOLI ESN | PRICE THREE PENCE. PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, PAIR AF : Ae 4 LONDON. CHOCOLAT MENIER oi: eS NO case be returned, exception. rawings, or Pictures of any description. will in no whether MS.. Printed Matser. D ( even ween accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Exvelope, Ocrer ons or Contributions, > » Twinn tea ti Oommunicati ected TICE this rule there will be no To or Wrapper. ; ee ras oo) ae

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Jory 7, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 1 MR. PUNCH AT WHIT E LODGE, RICHMOND. “ Don’T MAKE A NOISE, OR ELSE YOU'LL WAKE THE Baby = OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Asout the reminiscences of Groner Avaustus Sara there lingers a before-the-Flood flavour which abashes my Baronite. In cag 8 I hare Seen, and People I have Known, two volumes, published CassELL, there is nothing merely modern. The only thing G G, A. rab sal ta r by have seen was the world in the state of and tary among the Pam he has not known was Meruv- _ That is an Sion Sas, to the art of the writer, for, as a matter of fact, his recollections commence in the year 1839, when he he a boy at school in P; snubbed, fillipped, — peseee a oe ine. aes of of overees W oo redressing om Lowe A. IN front at ena by Sir Hupson Mr. § Sara _ ed ge bd lived long but, like Unysses, has travell a => Aaalpae| fortune in being around when us, for example, in the year 1840, as he happened’ to be cig. Th ptt the Rue la Paix, he saw a ing curasirs w up at a jeweller’s shop, qeectad by a troop of shi 4 bt hm were oe hag ’ peasant-wi oman, and in Dise = x A, +. the ladien was the Daher? Donets, « prent, sae flesh was the Consort de Soars whe acter nt nothing to do but to grow up to man’s estate, and take his place among the kings of France. Sixteen years later, in the Rue de Rivoli, Ft om saw aaeeer again two little biittering hands, and a eur; — reef lace. Bab Bab e a surroun: i jaby | perial, and e scenes the # = hd -_ of the journalist’s memory mark = ooo able epochs in French history. A mere list of the le Mr. Sata has known, tnd the things be RiP ad, | selves an entic- -ing, even an exhilara THACKERAY and Dickens he fase, and worked OT oat throws some Soldi sta’ kin, ligt oe tesm murderers, habitats of debtors’ 1 ._sotors, have all ane ae his observation, and live again in his pages. He is careful to make it clear that this is not his auto y: a On that he is still engaged. This work, presented as a sort of hors d'’cuvre, effectually serves to whet the n his ditionally withdraws the “*r” in the appetite, and makes the world hope he will hurry up with the remaining dishes in the rare feast. ‘‘So says my Baronite, and the Court is with him.’ In reply to a question, which is ‘not a conundrum,” at least so says an iseyeer, as to “‘ why the Baron ee sherbet’ with two ‘r’s’ instead of only one,” the would remind his interlocutor that Fae ‘omits is above all rales”; that, secondly, the Baron would rather err with two “r’s” than have anything to do with a “bet”? when it can possibly’ be avoided ; i“ ly, that poing of a merous disposition, in this hot weather he loves ity in quids ; not ash hamed of avowal. Finally, i states that he uncon- second syllable of ‘* sherbert,”’ because in “‘ sherbet” there io a) an to anyone. So here’s to his eminent Inquirer’s jolly good health, says HE Bountirut B. ve B.-W. NOBLESSE OBLIGE. One of the most pleasing incidents at the ing of the Tower lorified | Bridge was the introduction by the Lorp Caampertarn of the f | Recorder of London to H.R.H. the Prince of Wares. “ Our Own Special” was not sufficiently near to hear the dialogue that passed | between them, but he has reasons for that Lord CankinetTon observed to H.R. H., **Sir, i base Ge Bipows S present to your notice Sir Caartes Hatt.” Not to be outdone in courtesy, the Recorder face ; |immediately added, “‘ And I, Sir, am delighted to make known to your Roy Highness Lord CARRINGTON. ” Then returned the rince, with his customary gracious kindliness, ‘I am rejoiced to meet two officials of so much er but, do you know, —I fancy we have met before! I am certain that the excellent make-up of Sir i Gran and the carriage of the Lonp CHAMBERLAIN could have acquired by long prac- tice on the boards of the Cambrtaize A.D.C, I congratulate you my and | Lord, age ne Mr. Recorder upon the excellent use to which you = put the educational advantages that you and I have derived from our common Alma Mater.” At this t the Tower guns began to be fired, and consequently the remainder af the of the conversation was lost in the reverberations of heavy artillery. VOL, CVIL,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[Jury 7, 1894.

(Vide Poem, ‘ The Battle of the Budget,”’)

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Jnty 7, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

x Whip, Me bigs es ag Oe Nie a BOs fig + i ii I iy wi tgs Ais SME, Ly Vinge yi, ge ee YY ifs iy» . Mi Pp —_ THE SOCIETY CRUSH AT HYDE PARK CORNER. Constable (in Soreground, reaulating Carriages and Pedestrians going North and West, to comrade ditto going East and South), ‘‘’Oup ON THAT LOT 0’ YOURN, Bos, WHILE I GiTs RID 0’ THIs StuFF !” [Indicates with his left thumb the crush of Loungers who are patiently waiting his leave and help to get across to ‘‘ The Ladies’ Mile.” ———

THE BATTLE OF THE BUDGET. (Some Way after Southey’s ‘‘ Battle y | Blenheim.” ) . Sir W. V. H-xc-nrr. I. Ir was a summer evening, Old Kaspar’s work was done ; and he before his qottage door And nd by vesting in the — m —< on the green Bune’s little daughter, WITLERINE. tl. She saw Buix’s youngest, J read und “Old Kaspar” , P ying there had oat ome ge oT That was so large, and smooth, and round. TI, Old Kaspar toes it from - boy, And winked a wary And then the old man his head, with a na’ sigh, * This is some Landlord’ 8 skull,” said he, ** Who fell in our Great Victory ! IV. “ This jug of ale, m MS ~: jag thinvand Seems rather Eb! * J, Watered, and weak at that!

Hamph ! With it, then. I mustn’t uarrel, It is a Do nage the barrel ! r v. ‘* There is some comfort in this skull. Hope there’ll be more about ! Death has its Duties, may have more, As rich folk will find out ; For many wealthy men,” ssid he, ** Were * hit,’ in our Great Victory!” vI. “* Now tell us what ’twas all about,” Young Jonnny«in he cries; And little WiTLeRtve looks up With wonder-waiting eyes ; ‘* Now tell us of that Budget war, And what they whopped each other for.” vit. “Tt was the Rads,” old Kaspar cried, ** That put the Nobs to rout. But what we whopped each other for Some people can’t make out. But ’twas a long, hard fight,’ quoth he, ** And we'd a well-earned Victory ! VIII, ** Faton Hall, Chatsworth, Blenheim, then Raised quite a Bitter Cry Dukes said their dwellings “= ’d shut up, (Though that was all my eye! They ’d be hard t to it (they said) To keep a roof head. e their “ With protests loud the country round Was ringing far and wide ; Our * Predatory Policy ’ (As usual) was decried. But such things will attend,” said he, ‘A Democratic V et | * They said it il aaeiitade sight * After the fight was won To see rich quake with fear— | And to their lawyers run ! like that, you a inew, must be | After a Liberal Victory. xi. ** Great terror ete) on Brother Bone ; |. The brewers all turned prem |“ That was a very cruel g!” Said WITLERINE. se girl! ” quoth he; eople’s Victory ! xi. bod ised me Kni ht « fiche did win ig comes of it hte us?” JOHNNYKIN. "ll learn !” said he; Victory ! xIIl, “*T don’t rl |e paenmee It pod. of the ri. that skull Both Peers and Bun and tht” quoth b Makes it o fruitfal Victory!” taste just Bow, ood dating this are rushing into print, | ‘* Nay, nay, 2 | ** It was a ** And ev Who su ** But what Quoth lit “Ah! if you live, * But ’twas a G

lies have a literary this warm weather

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jovy 7, 1894. =, panes LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART 1L.—SHADOWS CAST BEFORE. Scere I.—Sm Roper Corverty’s Study at Wyvern Court. It is a rainy Saturday morning in February. Sir Rupert is at his writing-table, as Lady CULVERIN enters with a deprecatory air. Lady Culverin. So here you are, Rupert! Not very you? I won’t keep you a moment. (She goes to a window. nuisance it’s turning out so wet with all these people in isn’t it ? Sir Rupert. Well, I was thinking that, as there’s nothing doing out of doors, I might get a chance to k off some of these con- founded accounts, but—(resignedly)—if you think I ought to go and er ad N h playing billiards, and the Lady Culv. No, no, the men are playing billi women are in the Morning Room—they’re all right. I only wanted to ask you about to-night. You know the Luviirvetons and the dear Bishop and Mrs. Ropwer, and one or two other le, are coming to dinner? ell, who ought to take in Romesra ? ir Rup. (in dismay). Ro- nesta! Noidea she was coming down this week ! ady Culv. Yes, by the 4.45. With dear Marsre. Surely you knew that ? Sir Rup. In a sort of way; didn’t realise it was so near, that’s all. Lady Culv, It’s some time since we had her last. And she wanted to come, I didn’t think you would like me to write and put her off. Sir Rup. Put her off? Of course I shouldn't, Aten. If my only sister isn’t welcome at Wyvern at any time—I say, at any time—where the deuce ts she welcome ? Lady Culv. dear Kurerrt. the table ? Sir Rup. So long as you don’t put her near me—that’s all J care about. Lady Culv. I mean—ought I to send her in with Lord Lrt- LineTon, or the Bishop ? Sir Rup. Why not let ’em ~ toss up? Loser gets her, of course. Lady Culv. Rorerr! As if I could suggest such a thing to the Bishop! I suppose she ’d better go in with ford Lvt- Lineton—he’s Lord Lieutenant rey: on it roy matte | if e does advocate Disestablish- “ , ment. Oh, but I forgot; she What on earth possessed you to thinks the House of Lords ought to be abolished too / Sir Rup. Whoever takes Romesta in is likely to have a time of it. Talked poor Cayrrre into his tomb a good ten years before he was due there. Always lecturing, and domineering, and laying down the law, as long as J can remember her. Can’t stand Reaeme— a could ! ra L Culr, on’t think you ought to say so, really, Rupert. And I vi. sure J get on very well with hee—puncraliy. , Sir Rup. Because you knock under to her. Lady Culv. I’m sure I don’t, Rvpert—at least, no more than everybody else. Dear Rowesta is so st -minded and advanced and all that, she takes such an interest in all the new movements and things, that she can’t understand contradiction ; she is so democratic in her ideas, don’t you know. Sir Rup. Didn’t prevent her marrying Cantirr. And a demo- eratic Countess—it ’s downright unnatural ! Lady Culv. She believes it’s her duty to set an example and meet the People half way. That reminds me—did I tell you Mr. CLariow Beare is coming down this evening, too?—only till Monday, PERT. Sir Rup. Cranion Briar! er heard of him. Lady Culr. I suppose I Cranton Briar isn’t his real name though ; it’s only a—an alias, , are ch a e house, I don’t know, But—but about — — = —_ ——. ’ | | j j 7 i} , / | _Sir Rup. Don’t see what any fellow wants with an alias. What is 8 name ? |_ Lady Culv. Well, I know it was something ending in “ell,” but I mislaid his letter. Still, Crantoy Briar is the name he writes | under; he’s a poet, Rupert, and quite celebrated, so I’m told. Sir Rup. (uneasily). A poet! What on earth possessed you to ask fellow down here? Poetry isn’t much in our way; and a be, confoundedly ! ule. I really couldn’t help it, Rurert. Rowesia insisted on my having him to meet her. She likes meeting clever and in- teresting people. And this Mr. Brarr, it seems, has just written a volume of verses which are finer than anything that’s been done since—well, for ages / Sir Rup. What sort of verses ? ad te. Well, they ’re charmingly bound. I’ve got the book in the , envoy somewhere. Ronesia told me to send for it; but I haven’t had time to read it yet. Sir Rup. Shouldn’t be surprised if Ronesta hadn’t, either. Lady Culv. At all events, she’s heard it talked about. The young . man’s verses have quite'a sensation ; they ’re ap coeattaly clever, and revolutionary, morbid and pessimistic, and all that, so she made me promise to ask him down here to meet her! or Rup. Devilish thoughtful Lady Culv, Wasn’t it? She thought it might be a valuable experience for him; he’s sprung, eee, from quite the middle c & Ru a nee see myself why e be sprung on us, Why can’t Romesra ask him to her own place? Lady Culv. I daresay she will, if he turns out to be quite presentable. And, of course, he may, Rupert, for anything we ean tell. Sir Rup, Then you’ve never seen him yourself! How did you manage to ask him here, en? Lady Culv. Oh, I wrote to i ugh his publishers, Ronesta says that’s the usual way with literary persons one doesn’t happen to have met. And he wrote to say he would come, Sir Rup. So we’re to have a morbid revolutionary poet stay- ing in the house, are we? He’ll come down to dinner in a a literar poet wil Lady € ha | i j nM Vy 1 wit ; { | to blow us all up! you ’ve made a mistake, AL- BINIA, depend upon it. ; Lady Culv. Dear Rupert, | aren’t you just a little bit narrow? You forget that nowadays the | very best houses are proud to entertain Genius—no matter what their inions and appearance may be. And besides, we don’t know what ‘changes mas be coming. Surely it is wise and prudent to conciliate | the c young men who might inflame the masses against us. | Romesta thinks so; she says it may be our only chance of stemming | the rising tide of Revolution, Rurrrt! | Sir Rup. Oh, if Romesta thinks a revolution can be stemmed by | eaking a few poets down from Saturday to Monday, she might do her share of the stemming at all events. Lady Culv, But you will be nice to him, Rupert, won't you P Sir Rup. 1 don’t know that I’m in the habit of being uncivil to any guest of yours in this house, my dear, but I’ll be if I grovel to him, you know ; the tide ain’t as high as all that. But it’s an infernal nuisance, ‘pon my word it is; you must look after him ourself, J can’t. I don’t know what to talk to geniuses about ; I’ve n all the poetry I ever learnt. And if he comes out with any of his Red Republican theories in my ing, why—— Lady Culv. Oh, but he won’t, dear. I’m certain he’ll be quite mild and inoffensive. Look at SHaksPEAkE—the bust, I mean—and he began as 1 pgm ! Sir Rup, Ah, and this chap would put down the Game Laws if he could, I Gocan: do away with everything that makes the country ask a literary fellow down here ?”

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Jury 7, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 5 worth living in. Why, if he had his way, Asin, there wouldn’t be—— Lady Cule. I a. a I know. And | you must make him see all that from your | point. Look, the weather really seems to be clearing a little. We might rie f us get out | for a drive or something after lunch. I) would ride, if Deerfoot’s all right again; he’s the only horse I ever feel really safe upon, now. Sir Rup. Sorry, my dear, but you'll have to drive then. ADAMS tells me the horse is | as lame as ever this morning, and he don't | know what to make of it. He s gested | having Horsratu over, but I’ve no faith i in | the local vets myself, so I wired to town for old Spavin. He’s seen Deerfoot before, and we could put him up for a night or two. (7o TREDWELL, the butler, who enters with a telegram.) Eh, for me? just wait, will you in case there’s an answer. (As he opens it. a egret is fees Sees aeree | = t una eave present, could attend immedi- chitis, junior partner ae J a ge —Spavin.” Never knew e hada Tredw, I did. hear, Sir Rupert, as Mr. SPAVLN was Lew out for one quite recent, in ms dy, 9 ad = mS I —— this is him as as the likey. Wel, Sir me Mi wt don Well, he’s 8 sure to be a competen We'd better have him, eh, on Lady Culv, Oh, yes, and he must stay till Deerfoot” s better. I'll speak to PoMFREt about having a room ready in the East Wing for him. Tell him to come by the 4.45, Rupert. We shall be sending the omnibus in to meet that. Sir Rup. Allright, I’ve told him. (Givin ng the form to TrepwELt.) See that that’s sent off at once, please. (After TREDWELL has left.) By the way, ALBINIA, RoneEsia may kick up a row if she has to come up in the omnibus with a vet, eh ? Lady Culv. Goodness, so she might! but he needn’t go inside. Still, if it goes = raining—I’ll tell THomas to order a Ay him at the station, and then there can’t any bother about it. SONGS OF THE STREETS. No. I.—Bovever pE Basyton; or, THE Crrizen’s Eventne WALK. Purves! Doctors may talk, but—I’ve been for a walk, which they swear will keep down adiposity And preserve your liver from chill and shiver, or growing a shrivelled callosity. So I put on my hat—for I am getting fat !— and I’ve been for — the City. The result of that walk ? ee | mouth i - like chalk and my eyes veel and gritty ; I’ve got a sore throat from the matter afloat in the air. Itmaysound like a fable, But I’m game for artis that London is getting one large and malodorous stable’ ! Dear days of McApam! If only bin = had ’ em, with all disadvantages, bac Oh! = hear the rattle of ab shod ‘cattle m the old granite-laid track again. But thi is wooden pavement, e’en after lave- ment is sim e vement to nastiness, For when it is dry ’tis foul dust in your exe, = when caaket mere malodorous pasti- Oh, slip-slo py | Cabby, om Bouquet de Baby- | And tab = ¢ flying i i seceibty trying when | e-dus s down ris Phoebus is pouring My palate quite hot is, — and glottis | feel like an Augean Kitty (reading a yairy tale), “‘‘Oxck UPON A TIME THERE WAS A Froc——’ “I per rr’s A Princess! Mabel (interrupting). Go on!” I’m frantic with drouth, and the taste in my mouth is a mixed Malebolge and Marah. The water-carts come; but they’re only a hum, for the sun and the wind dry it up ion And then on manure in a powder impure the pedestrian’s fated to sup again. It’s worse than a circus. If men from the my hae pol were turned on to keep ft well But there’s swept u There aa ‘be improvement. dire thorax- no such movement; the torture is kept up. Manure-desiccation sets up irritation and then inflammation will follow, Your tonsils get red, you ’ve a pain in your head you find it a labour to swallow. And as to your nose !—well, I do not suppose for that organ reformers feel pity, Or I really can't think every species of stink pas find such ready home in the City. There’s nothing more foul than your grim Asphalte-ghoul,—save that dread Tophet Valley of Bunyan’s '— And then manhole whiffs! Or nose-torturing sniffs from the shops that sell ‘‘ Sausage- and-onions’”’! ! What everyone knows isthe human proboscis this Bouquet de Babylon bothers. Surely pavements of wood cannot be very nik saan they lead to such stenches col smothers. Sir, and dear Madam, I’m sure old McApam—though scientist prigs may prove sceptie — Would be welcomed back by the sore- throated pack. Mother Earth is the true Anti And so ends my talk ona late evening walk, and the woes of this dashed wooden pavement, Ah, Which worries my nose, sets my thorax in , my nostrils stuffs up, till I’m like a pug pup, all snorts, sniffs, and snuffles ; my temper it is refles gives me a choked a oy ~ py ry tongue, a stomach at war, and catarrh; a cough and a sneeze, and a sal atari wheeze ; a thirst uite immense, and a general sense that e bore is intense; and a perfect con- viction, beyond contradiction, that till the new brood ved our city with wood, and its air made i impure with dust-pow- dered manure, I never was sure that at last I had 5 true-born Briton who was for a sore-t oneal slave meant ! CABBY’S ANSWERS. (To Mr. James Payn’s Conundrwm.) [“* Why does a cabman ulways indignantly re- fuse his proper fare ? ’—James Pay. | On well, becos fare is not fair! Beeos sech lots o’ fares is shabby ! Beeos yer Briton is a Or else a blessed ignerent babby ! Becos bare fare comes bloomin’ ard, And wot i is ’ard cannot be ‘* proper”’ ! Becos we're worrited by the *‘ Yard,’ The British Female and the “ Copper”’ ! Becos if yer takes wot is guy, Yer fare thinks ’e’s too freely “ varted’”’! The more you shows yer ‘* brotherly love” The more the fare gets ’arder carted. Becos if one bob for two mile You takes, wivout a botheration, Fare sniffs a di le in yer e; ( ’s wy we puts on po? ) noe “ strike-measure ” do not pa pa In sububs lone, with fare’s wot ’s habs Becos—well fin’ lly, 2 T should say, , Becos Fare’s Fare, and Cabby ’s Cabby ! —

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PUNCH, OR E LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 7, 1894, Ht i} alt AS TON Aen Wis N\A NN ve PASS aaah eta \ SNS SS Pe OUR DECADENTS. Flipbutt (the famous young Art-Critic). ‘‘Utto! Wat's THis Pencit Sxetca I've scrst rounp on THIS EasEL?” Our Artist, ‘‘On, v's BY Fuompxin—THE IwpREssiOniIsT FeLLow aLL you Younc CHAPs ARE 80 ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT, YOU KNow. CLEVER, AIN'T IT?” Flipbutt, ‘‘Cisver! Why, 1T’s pivine! SvUcH FRESHNESS, sUCH NAIVETE! SvucCH A SPLENDID SCORN OF MERE CONVENTIONAL Tecunique! Such a— Our Artist. ‘‘Utto, Otp Maw! A THOUSAND PARDONS! Four!” THAT's THE WRONG THING YOUVE GOT HOLD oF! TaaAT’s JUST A ScRIBBLE BY THIS LITTLE ScAMP OF A GRANDSON OF MINE, HIs FIRST ATTEMPT! Nor VERY PROMISING, I FEAR; BUT HE’S ONLY “VIVE LA REPUBLIQUE!” ENGLAND TO FRANCE.—Junez, 1894, Aye! Long live the Republic! ’Tis the ery Wrung fro-n us even while the shadow of death ; — puaeie a catch our breath n a sharp agon sym , Her servants fall, but ide doth not die ; She strideth forward, firm of foot as Fate, In calm invincibility elate ; The tear that brimmeth, blindeth not her eye, So fixed aloft it lowereth not to greet The writhing reptile bruised by her unfaltering feet! Vive la République! How can we who love Fair France's charm, and sorrow at her sorrow, Better bear witness, on the bitter morrow Of her black grief, than lifting high above Even the mourning that all hearts must move, That ery, blent of goodwill and gratulation ? Vive la République! In the whole stricken nation Doth not the dumbness of Pretenders prove The land’s possession by that cleansing fire, Which purges patriot love from every low desire ? Sister in sorrow now, as once in arms, Of old “‘ fair enemy ” on many a field, In valiant days bat blind, we will not yield To any in that angers J which warms All generous hearts, or love of those gay charms Nature and Genius gave you as your own To wear, inimitable and : And now the asp-hearted Anarch's mad alarms ake monstrous tumult in the midst of peace We ery “ let brothers band till Cain-like slayers cease!” The slaughtered son you bear from forth the fray,— Like some winged Victory, or a Goddess high, With steps unshaken, glance that seeks the sky, Such as your glorious sculptors shape from clay,— Was noble, brave, and blameless ; him to slay Was the blood-blinded phrenzy of black hate. Through him the Anarch struck at your high state, Fair choice of France, but baffled crawls away. Prone at your feet your faithful servant fell, But you stride calmly on, unscathed, invulnerable, So may it be till Anarchy’s stealthy blade Falls pointless, shattered, from its palsied grasp, And helpless, harmless as a fangless asp It slinks from freedom’s pathway, fwiled, afraid, Whilst the Republic, strong and undismayed, With robe unsmirched, its hem no longer gory, Strides proudly on the true high path of glory. Take, France, a sister’s wreath, before ent = In honour of you, and of your hero brave. Love's garland shall not fade on gallant Carvor's grave! A PUZZLER. Siz,—I enclose a cutting from the Manchester Guardian, June 25. “Yesterday the Darwen police arrested Tuomas Beckett, a weaver. During a disturbance in a local public-house on Saturday night Beckert was kicked under the chin, and died immediately.” Query when was Tuomas Beckett arrested? What became of the man who, in the ‘‘ disturbance,” kicked Becxert under the chin? Yours, SNIPPER. “Tue New Bor.”—Doing wonderfully well. ‘‘ Going strong.” — White Lodge, Richmond. . .

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 7, 1894. “VIVE LA REPUBLIQUE!” “THE TEAR THAT BRIMMETH, BLINDETH NOT HER EYE, 80 FIXED ALOFT IT LOWERETH NOT TO GREET THE WRITHING REPTILE BRUISED BY HER UNFALTERING FEET!”

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Jury 7, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL old times. ere im 2. ouing ots was not “Soa on ory in this piece. The pla is well Madame Sans-Géne, Gaiety Theatre, has mapte 0 deal a Messieurs Saxpou perienced dramatist can do with meagre good notion. It seems as if the idea of an interview between with a washerwoman whose bill avon Wank only a poor lieutenant, had been ceo @ the scene par excellence of the piece. Tt} is here that both Madame UQUESNE are at their very best. and the scene between Napoléon, La + Reine Caroline, and Modems de Bulow, when there is a regular famil Riésane and M. D As to M. Duquesne as Na goers will call to mind Mr, pactenls of the Gane Demers wan ah gma in eccentric habits GAIETY “‘ SANS-GENE.” Madame Sans-Géne “ going Nap.” naturally come to her when chatting with “‘ the little Corporal” over ae the Gr Grater when he chanced Pa Lever’s works, but a 0 vas ae springs ! ’ pane ol is a good iy ‘nov congratulate herself and ‘* Co.” on a decided success in London. fan of the emier,—Wwell, middle-aged play- ofl WEssTER as a far more perfect Giatmbatd gheesctks a ve ex e phase Memes, Maser and ant the acting of all, from the leading as it can be, el, but they are safe, and to finish. represented by Madame Rfsanz, at the| decided hit The plot of the piece by Morgav is poor, bn but it as it hows what an ex- terials and one strikingly | lay was started from the APOLEON, when Emperor, and mending he, when This scene is es this, row admirably acted by . Duquesne, with the s, and Miles, VERNEUIL Sucer with their glib inthe there is very little e€ piece. ANDE, as the ser- pean! who rises Ly ae is very g as al ae LERAND, as Foueké. Madame R£JANE is a thorough cotikale (avtod but itis most unlikely (good as are historically the estas told about this same washer- woman elevated to the rank of Duchess) that she, in an interval of nineteen years —i.e., between 1792 and 1811—should not have been able to wear her costume with, at all events, some grace and digni gnity, and it is most improba le that the clever blanchisseuse of 1792 should, in 1811, have found any difficulty in managing her Court cos- tume without rendering herself outregoonsi7 ridiculous hitch- ing up of the dress and mcxing out of the | ’ immensely wit the dienes t ; and this must be the comédienne’s excuse for overdoi the farcical business her scenes, save chief the best of all, which, as I have already to surmised, was the "o of the piece, name- the scene with the mperor in the Third Act. Here she is perfect, only ust assuming so much of er old manner as would but the latter r’s traditional conversant with —. ] ROBERT ON THE WONDERFUL BRIDGE AGAIN. I REELY s for to think as how as a truly onest Waiter, as knos his place, 7 warious dooties, and is allers sivil and hobligin, 7 more and more thort on the holder he Here have bin atending at the xe best houses both at the West Hend, and also at the pride of all Hed Waiters, the onered Manshun Ouse, for nearly twenty long ears, aad I can trewly sa " as I allers gets a sivil word from everyboddy. And when sum y was speshally wanted the other day to sho that most himportent er, the London Press, all over the Wunderfool Tower Bridge, so that th ey coud give a trew and correct acount of all its wunders for the newspaper le to read and wunder at, who did the clever Chairman select to help in that most himportent hoffice but me, tho I am only Ronerr the Citty Waiter! And when the thowsends and tens of thowsends of peeple red the gloing acounts as filled the Press a day or too arterwards, they little thort perhaps of the many risks as the pore Waiter ran to save hisself and the reporters from the fallin Grannit, and the blocks of mettel, as every now and then fell about us! One of the werry biggest and blackest of the hole lot fell within about six foot of where I stood, so jest another six foot mite have g| put a hend to a Waiter who, I fondly hopes, has done his duty like a man and a Brother, tho many peeple did sumtimes larf at him. Strange to say, only jest 2 days before my honered wisit to the wunderfool Bridge, I was arsked to take a jurney to Boolong, which I bleeves is in France, and again in the same day! but I aint a werry good Sailer so I thort I had better decline it. So Brown went in my place, and werry much he says he injoyed it, tho he didn’t git home till eleven o Clock at night! I don’t think as he’s a werry good sailer, so, if he did enjoy it, the sea must have bin werry uncommon smooth, both ways, too! He says it ways a butiful new wessell, and called the Marger- reet, which, strange to say, was his Grandmother's name, which may acount for its treeting him so smoothly. Most of the Gents of the London a on their wisit to the Big Bridge seemed to think most of the opening. and shuttin of the enormers shutters as they opened and shut 0 of their own acord to let the big ships go thro. and werry wunderfool they suttenly was, but tomy poor mind, ew ery body as reelly wants to see the most butiful of the hole io shoud have hisself took up pe the lift to the walk alon =e fon which is only about 240 feet hi, and then he can have sue fa, grand view of our butiful river 8 as werry few has ewer had since it was fust made, One of the Press Gents, seeing me cecing at it with wunder and admiration, came yy to me and sed, Why, Mr. Rosert, you’ve most suttenly pick out the most ‘lovely view of the lot. I don’t know what enormus distance we can see, but if you looks just where I’m a pinting you will see the Kristel 'Pallis, and it don’t look more than a mile or two away!” Nomore it did! And as for the crowds of ships as we coud see with our naked eyes, I schod have thort they was more than ewer en the River in a month or two, and all round was the butiful hills and grand houses, and everythink looking chock full of bussel and prosperity, and all quite reddy to make use of the butiful Bridge as soon as ever it was opened! as it was by the nobel Prince of Waxes on the following Satterday. RoseErt, WHITHER AWAY? Most it be Margate? | Well, to speak truly, there are very few with Napo- OREAU have depicted The incidents Madame Kfsanez may lately in a friend’s barouche, which seemed uncomfortable. | s bat area de And made er food tether however, when she heard the carriage Northern district Shall it be Dover ? There ’s no place like London, = hit the target, In March or in Jul y. pend summer in clover ? | When well, or when run down! wh et to Filey Train in a twinkling Fit, or to Yarmouth ? | Brightonward bears me ; we the Welsh rile me _ ‘If I want sprinkling [me. I try Barmouth ? In the face a ‘‘ chute” stares south Coast’s entrancing, Summer’s delightful East builds and - ; In Town—nerves feel regal ; Blue waves are dancin Cabbies not spiteful At hundreds of sent Offered what ’s legal ! Soon must I settle, Yo! I’ll take holida M Unless I’m a craven, When it A gat chilly ; And grasping the nettle Wass at this Maly oor side on a haven. Fine hills at Malvern ; Is the ad ve ty {time Harrogate haunts me; Can’t help it!— Next snow- L uth is all fern ; By “‘P. L. M. Rapide” t is it daunts me ? I WNioe se these! Beware !—As wood pavement is said to be injurious to throats, y in summer time, it would be advisable not to reside in the as the roads there must be all St. John’s Wovil pavement. ee _

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 7, 1894. wat! Vf fay ty cg ri I PREHISTORIC PEEPS. Ir I8 QUITE A MISTAKE TO SUPPOSE THAT HENLEY REGATTA WAS NOT ANTICIPATED IN EARrLiest Times.

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Jury 7, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 11 | THE LOWER EDUCATION OF WOMEN, Domestic Economy. 1. What are the duties of a cook? Do these duties differ on nae of (a) . eo ye ur-mai cha 2B ponerse ? *. Can money be saved by a deposit account at the stores / If so, — the store prices with the made at a shop for beef. mutton, potatoes, muslin, and mixed biscuits ? 3. Ifadinner (with wine) for four costs £6 10s. at a club, | how much should a dinner for eight (four males and four females) cost at home ? 4. What do you know of the School for Cookery ? 5. Give briefly the best way of living on £500 a year on the | basis that your husband is a| clerk in a Cement office, and your —_, consists of a | daughter, aged fourteen, @ son rising seven. History. 1. Give a short account of the life of any one of the follow- | ing eminent wives who were a comfort to their husbands— | CATHERINE PaRR.Queen Mary. | and Hewrrerra Marta, Cun-- | sort of CHARLES THE Frrst. 2. Point out the mistakes Af MARIE ANTOINETTE in 8 regard to the career of a SIXTEENTH. 3. Give some of the reasons why Queen ELIzaBeTH pre- | crs | ferred celibacy to marriage, LEss or You, ‘*Weit, Ma’am, I THOUGHT IT DIDN’T MUCH MATTER, AS THE ARMs | pl WERE BROKEN OFF ALREADY!” and prove that those reasons | were fallacies. Mi iil yi il ib Ui)" \\ | : ai IY, POOR VENUS OF MILO! ‘* WHat! You DID THIS, AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME BEFORE ! Mary!” 4. Give a short acoount of | the married life of Davin Cor- PERFIELD, and criticise the _ménages of his first and his i | second wife, GENERAL. 1. What are the duties of a ar and a matron ? Supposing your husband to | + come home weary from a hard day’s work, should you read him your lntest novel, or see thxt he gets his supper ? “3. In your opinion which is of greaterim portance, your gown, ad knowledge of Greek ? BS. an essay open | the ve merits o ing known as the wife of your om, Sy our poorer-half ** Mrs, So-and ae utbesd.” A SOFT ANSWER. (An Unpublished Letter to « Whisterical Wesleyan, which shows the infinite possibilities of hixtorte parallels. ) Rs Pe Srr, re, am fm ay 0 you for your letter fn wich oe oe my attention to the wi Jeapreed practice of whist-playing, and in parti- cular to the deteriorating effect of t y points, May I remind you of the fact, which I make no doubt re have temporarily over- wked, that Joan Westey's favourite game was whist’ Like Joun Wester, I play whist, not ~T con- fewing that when I get a good hand I am none the worse . Believe me, Yours aithfully, R-s-B-RY. How CARE- BALLADE OF IMITATIONS. |PARTIALLY UNREPORTED DIALOGUE. ** A Deane should be more reverend,” said (With Apologies to ime. A a for calling her ‘Mr, Wixtis, Q.C., in the Berri case. THE weary worldling of oe Uneasy wanders to and fro To find in all things, grave or gay Just nothing that is ‘‘ worth a low,” (Forgive the curious phrase.) although It’s absolutely certain, this—he Will praise in phrases all aglow The imitative charms of Cisste. The orchestra begins to play, The lights are high that once were low. Then Crsstz comes without delay, Her simple dress tied with a bow. How kind of Fortune to bestow On us this captivating Missie. ”Twere vain to try to — The imitative charms of C1sst Miss Florence St. Jonn’s ory way, Miss You? in her ballad * Oh, Honey, H !” or Othe Ntay As Pierrette anc Pierrot, YVETTE GUILBERT’s superb ar, Miss Letry Luyp in ** Kisste Moai? Are all invoked to hel pto show The imitative charms Dat ‘ou chance to find it slow, a joyous form of dissi- sat quickly get to know The imitative charms of Crsstr. ‘Where there's a Will ws a way,” torted Mr. Deanr, Q.C. “‘If you will .* honest with me, I will be honest with you,’”’ ‘**The whole matter is very clear,”’ inte the learned Judge, severely. “Mr, Berrini- WILLIs expects fromthe DEANE, chapter——” ** And verse,” interposed Mr. "Deane, QC. and straightway broke out melodiously with— * 'Tis good to be merry and wise, ’Tis good to be thorough and true, If you will be honest with me, My Q. 0., Then I will be honest with you! had Chorus of everybody. Harmonious proceed - ings, and Court adjourned. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Exrracrep rrom THE Diary or Tony, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, June 25.— AsquiTH k on Treasury Bench quite a changed man. Anxious air that marked his appearance through last werk disap Painful to watch him as he then sat on Bench with one eye on the door. Started at rustle of) paper of amendments. Half rose from - seat if a book fell. 4,4 said, when I con guate- | of t happy. siott lishment ‘th dames Groe six thing I shou Till like to he’ Lees mo ens tinea what af have a | steam engine stationed at his front door nieht and day with steam up ready to whisk him | the event ; off to White Lodge at a moment's notice.” Home SecketakY mana Pits to keep much cooler than the Mayor of Ricumonp. This morning the papers ablaze with telegrams from that functionary. SztumreR is his name, Surrey is his county. As soon as notification made of birth of prince, SztumPER took off his coat and set to work. First telegraphed to happy Duke and Duchess of Teck at White Lodge. Then bethought him of happier father ; so Duke of York from ee who ‘trusts Her Royal Highness and sun are do ing |well.” SzLomMPER’s appetite growing wit what it feeds u he next approaches Her Masesty with th loyal and and sincere tula- tions.”’ Finally, the Prince and Princess of Wates at Mari h House hear from him. SzLumMPer always si his name tout court, like a peer of the ** He’s splendid this Sztumrrr,”’ said the | Member for Sank. “* Reminds me ‘of a story | ‘heard in America about Judge Hoar. He had a dislike to WenpeLt Paris. When he great orator died they gave him a splendid funeral A friend meeting the judge on morn- ing of event said, ‘Aren't you going to the funeral ?’ ‘No,’ said Hoan,‘ but I approve it.’”’ It wasn’t SevoMrEe’ 8 ent. But near end of first es i Ee Bad 5 settin th duties. The Be the Gop of unity at of Basy dash sn vigour. Oh! ’tis Bamtixy and oe and Braz, And Bymuwe and Bartiey and Bow.zs. Till the th burn, And Socatat die on the coals.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 7, 1894. | only going much farther. | I extended, and Burma which I annexed The Four Busy (Budget) B's. Business done.—Clemse X VIII. added to Budget Bill. Wednesday.—GRANDOLPH sails to-day in the track of CoLumsvs, He will cross Continent and Pacific to y amorning call on the Mrxapo; afterwards to India and Burma. “*T want,” he says, with certain proud pathos, ** to see the frontier You remember the old French ; cone written about GrayDoLPu's great ancestor’ It was sung asa lulla by to the little son of Lovts not be persevered in. SauwpERson perceiving his mistake acquiesced, and Don’t Kerr Harpre went on to final ignominious collapse. en in crowded House question put that Address be presented, a solitary ery of “‘ No” answered the loud shout ** Aye.” House cleared for division ; but when opportunity of taking final step presented itself, it turned out that Harpre Didn’t Keir to take it. _ “ Now if this were France in the days when the Empire was totter- ing to its fall,” said Sarx, ‘* I should suspect the secret their geome in stirring up em In England ; to ee Sam meas bere ut up Don’r Kerr to play - faritity of Imperial Family. , of course, no come sity for such manceuvre. But if by outside influence the popularit the Prince of Waxes has worked out for himself could be Sivensel, Don’t Kerz Hagpre’s the man to do it.’ b re Zu —a/ Z Regge CZ es oe eS SNC = ee Zz ——— a — —_— 2 : } THe Stxteents, and Napo.kon never mounted his horse for the | fight without humming the air,— MARLBROOK s’en va-t’en guerre— Mironton, mironton, mirontaine ! MARLBROOK s’en Va-t’en guerre... There is a sad last verse to the old ballad. But we all hope to see our Granpo.trH back again, bringing his sheaves with him in the shape of renewed health and strength. Business done.—B Ne sais quand reviendra ! Ne sais quand reviendra ! Ne sais quand reviendra ! Thursday.—Don’t Kein Harpre confided to House to-night the | | interesting fact that at ee he Don't Keir for the Royal | them special honour. | delighted to learn that the child was a fairly healthy one.” Beyond | in | There would have been long and | Family, and is “ indispo: to associate himself”’ with effort to do Like old Eecles in Caste, he upbraids the baby in the cradle with being a young aristocrat. Yet there are limits even to his uncompromising Republicanism. The question before House is the presentation to Her Masestry of address of con- ratulation on birth of son of Duke and Duchess of York, “If I had the opportunity of meeting the parents,”’ says Don’t Kerr, rn should be pleased to join in the ordinary congratulations of the occasion.” He did not hesitate, standing in his place in Parliament as representative of the electors of ’Am, to add that he * had been that, stern principle would not permit him to pass. Note that he felt constrained to modify even this approval of pro- ceedings at White Lodge by introduction of the word “ fairly.” Aseurru, who knows all about it, seemed for moment inclined to resent this aspersion on the perfect soundness of the object of his recent attentions; on reflection he let it pass. Saunperson, of whom House has seen lamentably little of late, was under less com- lete self-restraint. When Don't Kere turned his attention upon Prince of WALnSs, proposing to appraise his value to the nation, Saunperson leaped to his feet, and moved that ‘“‘the hon. Member be no longer heard.”’ A difficult moment this. The Motion being made, the Spzaker must put it from the Chair. Many Members, whilst justly an with bow’ r Keir's grotesque performance, would have felt bound to resent what might be construed as attempt to throttle free speech. debate; a succession of y y; ommneas ine pos Dee ye wa have been trium vertised. appily, though, strietly considered, i Squrre or Matwoop interposed ; expressed hope that i | Scene from “* Caste,” adapted for representation in the House of Commons, Eceles (played by Don’t Keir H-rd-e) addresses the Royal Infant. re Everybody in the House is sacrificed for you! And to think that a Work- ing Man, a Member of the House of Commons, and one of the Committee of the Banded Brothers for the Regeneration of Human Kind, by means of equal diffusion of intelligence and equal division of property, should want the price | of half a pint, while you are lying in the lap of luxury!” &., &e., &e. Business done,—QurEN congratulated on birth of latest great- | grandson. Friday.—Been much struck through week by appearanceof stranger in Speaker’s Gallery. Every night about quarter of an hour after | questions over he has come in; gone out again a little after eight, about time Spg,Kker, when in chair, leaves for his Comes | punctually in half an hour; remains till fifteen or twenty minutes fore progress is reported, and Chairman of Committees makes way for Speaker. Something about him familiar, though never before that I remember have I seen that stubbly red , or those green, goggly spectacles. Quite fascinated me. To-night went up and sat 4 f. behind him. t ten minutes past eight, amendment before Committee disposed of, the stranger rose ; heard him exclaim under his breath, ‘‘ Order! | Order!” saw him clutch at imaginary robe, and stride forth with stately tread. Truth burst upon me with a flash, It was the Spzaxer ! | ** You're a dangerous person to have about the premises, Tony,” he | said as we made our way by circuitous route to Speaker's Court. ** Every day for last fortnight I have written out myself an order for | the Speaker's Gallery, have passed the doorkeepers unobserved, and remained hour after hour unnoticed. Then your eagle eye falls upon me and all is lost. Pray don’t let the secret go any further. bry vy this | | for weeks and weeks I’ve been shut out of. my proper gered | Budget Bill. Questions last half an hour or an hour: Then House goes into Committee, and I’m shunted save for few moments after | midnight, when I adjourn the House. Couldn’t stand it any longer. Might as well be in Kamtchatka. So have had recourse to this in- nocent device, and have thoroughly enjoyed my evenings,” Business done.—Once through Committee on Badget Bill. Pick up dropped threads next week.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juxy 7, 1894. . Seagiee ly recommended tish Medical Journal" feetl free from pagar and the sought by the M ical Profession, ¥iz.,a heaithfu felalty fe orating ee § which san ve used be :— y by everyone, and most ady: the Gouty, eo Dyspeptie ong Heed ’ } Plots, 45¢. pet dosen. “COCA-TONIC-C PAGNE. 4 A combination, by the growers at Bouzy- Reims, of the @ Grand-Vin-Hrut wiih Coca Leaf Extract, an copay restorative for oo, eee Anemia, Insomnia, Hysteria, and Collapse, &c. Quarts, 84s.; Pints, 46.; Balf-pints, ore - Roth Wines sold by Wine omy 4 OLLING WOOD) Guna Pies Place, London, ioe age The finest type of DUBLIN and at all the Gurdon “Cc. O , a a M . WIISKY obtainable. toe of either 4 wr Curious Op Mar. Cases of 1 doz, bottles free to all Railway Stations on receipt of 50s. ANDREWS & CO., DAME S8T., DUBLIN, fole Proprietors of the C. O. M, Brand, London Office— 12, Jouw Srreer, Aperrnr. MEDICALLY RECOMMENDED. O A PERFECT OLD [RIGH WHISKY OF ALL WINE MERCHANTS. a *® * v ry LIQUEUR OF THE *. 0°= CHARTREUSE. This delicious Liquear, — has come so much into your on a¢coyn: a: lpsonerieaed an > il ~ : a8 ot all ia : gemma ie h, 36, hal is Grand Old Whisk a blend of 3 most famous HIG LAND SMAL free on receipt of P.O. for is. 8. THEWS & CO., RI and HART 8T., BLOOMSBURY, W.C. br all Leanne if throughout Wie A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY AGREEASLE TO TAKE, TAMAR _ comstitanox, IN DI E inteetiael Troubles, GRILLON. London; 47, Southwark Street, 8.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, Qe. ba. A BOX. “ EXCELLENT—OF GREAT VALUE," Lancet, dune 15, 1888, PEPTONIZED eaten) COCOA & MILK, Most Delicious, Nutritious, & requiring no digestive effort. Tins 2/6. Half-Tins (Samples) 1/6. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. Purest and Cheapest Table Water. | SPARKLING | | PURALIS Absolutely Pure Distilled Water super- charged with pure Carbonic Acid Gas. Delivered free in London and suburbs. Case of 12 quarts, 2s. Gi.; Case of 24 pints, 3s. The Lancet says: “No purer or more trust- worthy beverage could be produced.” To be had through Trade Agents, or direct from THE PURE WATER CO., LTD., Queen’s Road, Battersea Park, London, 8.W. KODAK These famous hand or tri cameras, whilst embodying the most advanced ideas in camera construction, are the simplest and most compact Photographic instru- ments made. Equally suitable for boy of girl, novice in photography, or photographic expert. From 1 to 100 pictures can be made without recharge. ——————— Strongly recommended by travellers in APIER JOHNSTONE’S |all parts of the globe. o JOHNSTONE, SADLER & CO., Lrv., FLOR DE DINDICUL, inant 10a Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., %, 1891. Moxes of 100, 22s. and 20s. (two ey: WI LLS* NAVY t U Patent Air-tight Tins, in ' Prices from £1: 6 to £22: OLD LD HIGHLAND. WHISKY. |ttustrated Catalogue tree on application & 23, Gazat Towea Sraeer, Loxvox, é. 0 | Manufactured solely by K e | ro smoxsns. EASTMAN of exquisite favour and aroma. rage them better than Havennahs.” - Feats, 11g-117 OXFORD ST., LONDON. Bem plea’ tnd’) r.pos free 'amps. WiWIAY. PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. %9 “CAPSTAN” Brand] we Can now be obtained in 2-02, Three Grades of Strength, viz. :— J “MILD,” Yellow label, == “MEDIUM,” Elue label. “FULL,” Chocolate label, + and j-lb. Patent Air-tight Tins, by all Dealers in Tobacco. W. D. & H. 0. WILLS, Limited, Bristol and London. £20 Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. GARRIAGE PAID TO ANY ANDRESS IF opaeeae sepa ONE OF THE AGENTS ° B COMPAN “The milk in the cocoa-nut” the rage, But crt problem must take a bac! For Glarnico's Caramele—now » tage— Are the Chime de la Créme of a treat Cream CARAMeLs (unwrapped). Milk CARAMELS (unwrapped) sOLR Ma. MAKERS Clarke, Nickolls & Coombs, Lid. REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND : | oP RAzZop puzzled Black Handle, 58.64. Ivory Handle, 7s. 64. APr., Ivory Handles, in Rus.leather case,21s Prom al] Perfumers and Dealers. Wholesale: Ossoaxr, Gannerr, & Co., London, W EPPS’S COCOAINE. COCOA-NIB EXTRACT. (TEA-LIKE.) A thin beverage of full flavour no many beneficially taking the place Its active principle being a gentle nerve stimulant, supplies the needed energy with out unduly exciting the system. Born is Pacuers any Tine BY Gaocens, Lavecce JAMES EPPS & CO., Ltd., Homeopathic Chemists, Londo: BRILL’S ware SEA Bracing and SA ap GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. Refreshing. The Lady pteace *Chitain Fonete velenly uel % = col ae ° tote he A by ha LM, 47 d a Vor tines an grey slate Acise io invalucdle TOBACCONISTS MM» InG should send td w with of tea 6 (RINE Respectad! from tof Tobeeconists Outaitir x! Puston Md, Londo: M liv Mirae. Keteblie FEVERS Wteste L POX Be } JxURY WRIGHT Si COAL ’ TT weRSERY TAR TABLETS 64! DISEASE

Page 20

te OO it AEE LB ROE Ad PERE A OER EAS

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jovy 7, 1894

_ ;

INFANTS COCA |

C. Brandauer & Co's \

“Retained when all other Foods are rejected. It is invaluable.” London Medical Record. FOOD For

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MARVELLOUS RESTORATIVE Perougiy Peeteton tue Law Jouanal, Medical analyess and Tosti. weet ree by Post. For SLEEPLESSNESS, MENTAL ano PHYSICAL FATICUE, ANAMI INFLUENZA, CONVALESCENTS. A few glasses only will prove its efficacy. Da. D. 8 pore, MERCH. Dr. ANDREW MUNGALI. LRCP., ae. : oo have M.D. says: “1 used the‘ Hails mach pi + Coca Wine’ myseif and consider Miisil’t Coca Wise ss « tonic | it worthy of all you claim for and restorative.” — ARTHUR CLARKE says Sreren PAYNE writes: “A better than m rer ont of t relation of mine who has been tA im the — All — | outiring for a long time from tents who have tried it have | nervous disease and bloodless- ved great benefit, and they | ness, has been done a great deal like the flavour.” of good by * Hall sCoca Wine.’ ’ or and Wine Merchants, 2s. and 3s per bottle, or post free. STEPHEN SMITH & CO., Bow, London. BIRD’S CUSTARD POWDER Supplies a Daily Luxury. Dainties in Endless Variety. The Choicest Dishes and the Richest Custard. NO EGGS REQUIRED.

“ Matchless for the hands and complexion.”

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Page 21

S=== GORDON HOTELS Ses=z

<<-n~™ wo ete - CO ae. WS )

, ; =_f Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. iii VOLUME CVII. — JULY 14,

PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. tamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. 5 Se are es —— —s§s-_—s WH A oe VOL vil th PRICE THREE PENCE.

pot even when accompanied by a S PS : till 4 | ue ‘ TN a Bak of Pease My , r ' Af; 6 My tw Sey =©PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, ° OAT): dy WS “= [TEBIG ‘COMPANY'S’ R A Fach Jar of the Genuine Extract bears EXT CT OF BEEF. JU8TUS von ices Signature in Blue Ink across label. ‘e, ’ \ ~ P< «*

6a” NOTICE.— Rejected-Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned,

Page 22

MESSRS. HUTCHINSON’S NEW NOVELS. By B. L. PARI re sus JEW. ived” " : “ ovtied | st with great care an lect APRiciovs SCAMP. In 3 Vols, } with o new n the success i through ten | er Row THE ola Ge"tire. In smith, b= ee mi | A XELLOW ast ER. re rn This net ea ha NEW SCHEME RELIEF OF TRUSTEES, FAMILY TRUST | INVESTMENT car” | Securing a Fixed Income for Surviving Relatives, FOR PARTICULARS, AP! THE STANDARD | LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. | Accumulated Funds, 73 Millions Stg. | nu, 8, George | Stre t (Head Office oa, King William Street, E.C. ’ Pall Mall East, 8.W Upper Sackville Street India & the Evineus Loxrpos rs tnches & Agencies in GOLD PENS from 4s. each. GOLD LY PERFECT DIPPING PEN. GOLD PENS GOLD AND IRIDIUM POINTED GOLD PENS FOR ANY HOLDER OLD PENS EVERLASTING IN WEAR GOLD PENS IMPROVES THE HANDWRITING, GOLD PENS A POSITIVE CURE FOR WKITER'S CRAMP OLD SECURES REGULARITY OF WRI GOLD PENS mape lh ger EVERY yg AY cr ano Pearce List ' ), & BARD, Man sf Pountain Pen ti Colonies. SUITABLI TING, D At. LE Trios f Gold , Cunaraupe, Reoext Sracer, W Established isiS MaAHIE, rm DI Yens and * Lesvos, fF Pice and Wa, sdilly End The Medical Profession strongty recommend SALUTARIS WATER, A pure distilled water, prepar by a special process, and highly charged with carbonic acid gas. SALUTARIS WATE ORDINARY PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —JULY | 14, (1894.

SAVORY and MOORE'S SED IN THE BCTAL WURSERIZS. Tins, 1s., 22., v_.| BEST FOOD ror INFANTS 2s., Ss. = everywhere,

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“HEAVIEST POUSSIDLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE'S PLATE. (Reep,) “BIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” BRILL’S SEA Sint and SA LT. cama | - Aleoholic Tonic and Stimulant. nr CHAMPACNE. The Lawcer: “ Delicate in flavour . . . con tain. the rec “up ‘rative principles of Cocoa and 1 ea The Tinrs , Rapectally rs for keeping the brain clear and activ Delivered Free in London and suburbs, 6s. per doz. Quarts ; 7s. per two doz. Pints. To be bad through Trade Agents, or direct from THE PURE WATER CO., LTD., Queen’s Road, Battersea Par<, London, 8.W. Cubebs, Stramonium, Cannab. Ind. Always relieve, and frequently cure Asthma, eens Cough. Bronchitis, SAVAR’S CUBEB COOARETTE, ae eet ct JOHN, BRINSMEAD ; ) & SONS s' Iron Consolidated | rames, Patent Cheek Actions,&c Ave for Sale, Mire, and on the yw, Years’ System JOUN BKKRINSMEAD & BONS, and 22, Wiomone Sravet, Loxvos, W. SQUIRE'S ror GHEMICAL DELICATE FOOD. CHILDREN. In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 64., & Gs. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS AND STORES, and of SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemisis, Full directions. ‘ait Chemiste 18, 20,

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WEDDING PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World. COLDSMITHS' COMPANY, Show Rooms: [12, REGENT ST. W.| (AbsoIn ive ~ SCOP Comrany “THE § BRITISH NATURAL MINERAL WATER. 4!l- 3i- 2i- Per Doz ATLEY — ABBEY” Bottled Dir ct at the Springs. Superior to ALL Foreign Waters. Unrivalled as a Table Water for its absolute rity, sparkling con- PENS ORIENT COMPANY'S YACHTING ns Cavisi ES @ iverraNiars GARONNE, 3,876 NLA, 3,877 pone, register, leaving London as under ranton two days NORWAY FIORDS. 1eth July for 08 ; the steamer will be navigated through the Le. inside the fringe of islands off the coast of Norwa , thus secu: oa smooth water; ist Aug. for 33 days, 2ind ug. ‘or 2\ days. For the MEDITERRANEAN, 2th ept. for 35 days. String | band, cleetric light, electric bells, hot and cold baths, Managers: F later :—For the a “Inner Lead,” high-class cuisine | and Anderson, Anderson, and Co. } renchurch Avenue, London. For passage vo 4 to | the latter firm at 5, Fenchurch Avenue, E = West End Branch Ottice, 16, Cc ockspur 8t., ow

“The milk in the cocoa-nut” puzzled the fage, But that problem must take a back seat, For Clarnico’s Caramels—now all the rage— | Are the Oréme de la Créme of a treat. Cream CARAMELS (unwrapped). Milk CARAMELS (unwrapped). SOLE MAKERS Clarke, Nickolls & Coombs, Ltd. FOR TENDER FEET Persons subject to tender feet will find instant relief by bathing in Con- dy’s Fiuid (di- luted). Of all Chemists, 8 oz. 1/-, 20 oz. 2/-. Full bath- ing directions (free) from Con- dy’s Fluid Works Turnmil] Street, London, E.C. In- sist on having “ Condy’s Fluid.” , Use «« CONDY’S FLUID.”

dition, and bight valuable natural | medicinal properties. Can be obtained of all Chemists, Wine | Merchants, &c.; also at the leading Hotels, Restaurants and Clubs. 4/-, 3/-, 2/= per dozen. For Medical Opinions, and ful it informatie m write to Analytical Report | CATLEY ABBEY CO., DICBY, LINCOLN. | i soos COLT'S NEW PX Junrrep states

* iow is it that °Clarke’s Blood Mix- ure’ has obtained such great popularity !”’ s a question which has perplexed man I; The answer is, that it is a the finest Blood Purifier that science medical skill have brought tolight. ‘Thou- | |sands of wonderful cures have been effected ARMY & NAVY REVOLVER ' ead For Scrofula, Scurvy, Eczema, Skin for Mouse Protection, Travellers, and tor Military Purposes, takes Ele and all other -38 cal. l’istol Cartridges COLT'S LICHTNINC MACAZINE RIFLES, lor Jarge and Small Game, Mook shouting, aul Target l'ractice, are unsurpassed for accuracy ani | _* unequalled for rapidity of fire. COLT’S REVOLVERS are used allover the World. Tl'rice List (ree. COLTS FIREARMS CO., 90, Ghamhotee St., Plecadilly Circus, ‘Londoa, w en's for the P: Og nee: __ B MVGuES & SON THE SMALL HINDOO PEN. (JUST OUT With me point, in three grades, 1, 2, and 3, © fit ordinary Penholder “The Hindoo Pen is inestimable @4. and is. per Box, at all Stationers Sample Nox of all kinds, ls. 1d. by Post MACNIVEN & CAMERON, Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. | s “38 cal. Kapress —Newry Reporter

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Page 23

Hie | Juve 14, 1894) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SSap Fake THE DIURNAL FEMININE. Lert others read the “‘ latest news ” Our daily papers offer, Take pleasure in the smart reviews x Ey we with the scoffer, njoy the leaders, or appraise e newest ‘‘ Labour Crisis,” Or smile to learn that Brighton A’s Maintain their recent prices. I ov find such trifles vex, I do not seek instruction Upon the blemishes which X. erceives in Y.’s uction, And stocks may fall like anything, They ’ll not affect my fate, or Compel les: i This L one P Fa s cheerfully to sing vacuus viator, a ' WF | —— = The reason why I daily make eB | —— a {99 M ifice of pen - : va Is mevely fer 0 Gacehe , vN Which scarce, MR. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATED LAW REPORTS. It stirs the noblest passions, No. 1.—‘‘ ALtecep Contempt or Court By AN INFAnt.” gy ay aan aa ” ons.” market, what we want is a constant supply | * rers, irue, the one of whom What joy to ascertain in print of nice, eligible young men from the Univer- | I spoke turned out roby 7 pore, Bowe The latest mode in dresses, sity * brought — to our very doors,” as| married all the time, and I ii tlnba To learn the new artistic tint they say about culture and the people. We have mentioned it on the cover of ey Us ; Adopted by Pri cannot all live in garrison towns, and what | but the principle holds good au e a. ' To roam the galleries with her are two or three curates among so many? | , dear Mr, P. “= i on 4 Whose eulogies and strictures Already, as I have seen in one of the maga- | State ; ch I have . : ope wi 7 To hats and dress alone refer, zines for young ladies, the cleric cloth is delicacy) ted above, Maret ora won And never deal with pictures ! being supplanted in romantic fiction by the | you Your devoted, ADGE. lay lecturer's velveteen, But we must have! P.§,—Couldn’t you lecture to us on some- State said, end, if yy create a fresh | thing nice, and help to raise a fund for our Government De ent, for the increase | scheme? Let troubles still oppress the State ae “pe ticians ebate d f this el f Th ith undiminished vi . and support o is class of men. © pro- | Of such the common person reads, eee ee cone aebula {hose who’ YET ANOTHER MEMOIR OF NAPOLEON. Bry 23, L- pays deeds on (I hope I express myself wer _ Dear Mr. Puncu,—There are 00 eked Of milliners and drapers ! and there would soon be enough to go round. | lives of the great NaroLvon being publishe: -_ Eruet’s papa, whois not very rich, and has nowadays that one — fancy the former a large family, told her that people in Rome| ruler of France must have been as many- STATE AID FOR MATRIMONY. | who married, and had three chi , got a careered asa cat, Still, it may be interesting Pale? ae sort of degree for it, and were let off taxes, | to your readers if I give a few particulars of (By a University Extensionist. ) It seems to me that the scheme for State aid | the great man that have not yet appeared in Deak Mr. Puncu,—What a charming little | which 1 suggest is a much more modest one. | print, if I except the pages of your own im- theatre that is at Burlington House! I missed| A man that played the title-réle in Hodge, | mortal volumes. tee li you at the matinées there afew days ago. Of| B.Sc., gave vent to what I considered a ve I had the pleasure of meeting t > on course you know the Travelling Provincial| stupid sentiment. “Give us,” he said, | NaroLvonsome forty or fifty years ago; he was Company of the Universities’ Guild for the | ‘‘ some really useful and sensible instruction, | then in his prime. tik Extension of High-Class Comedy? Well, | not silly lectures about Love and Marriage,| _ In personal ee he was aot as » they visited the Metropolis for their coming- | just to make le laugh!” This only | the portraits so familiar to the public. In of-age, and gave the new extravaganza of | shows how dreadfully void of finer feeling is spite of his enthusiastic devotion for yay Hodge, B.Sc., or The Vision of Peers and| your man of Agricultural Enlightenment. he invariably addressed his troops in the the Plowman. This had nothing to do with| Why, we once had a delightful course on English language. This is a characteristic Jupiter, LL.D., though no fewer than three | almost the very subjects at which he was| that seemingly has escaped the attention o noble Chancellors took a leading part at the ignorantly pleased to scoff! It was given by | all his biographers, sty of hi h different performances. After all it was| an interesting-looking young Dae from _ The numbers and quality ay hes nothing but a dished-up version of the old | St. Valentine’s, and was called “* B and been much exaggerated. pions at a play of Gentleman Geordie, or The Cultured | Shelley. with dissolving views.” I remem- speeches he was accustomed to t is p - ( ‘ollier ¢ only the pitman business is a little | ber well the questions set by him for one of strength of his troops, as a = yey’ F ws layed out, and the victim of Agricultural|the weekly papers. Shall I repeat them ’ | they could be more easily counted by tens _ E ightment is just now the vogue, thanks to | He had just been lecturing on Don Juan. hundreds. His artillery was almost a myt , the County Councils, 1. Give in alphabetical order the chief at- and the ammunition was chiefl —- o But what interest, you will say, can this | tractions of the Hero of our poem. | crackers, As for his cavalry, o oree were weary work have for “‘ the young person” (is| 2. Cite parallels to on Juan among the showy but unreliable, many of t —) d oe not that the phrase ?). Why should Eraxt | gentleman friends of your acquaintance other , spots, and not a few were entree, . 1- and I and the other country cousins, who are | than Extension Lecturers. __ | gent. His favourite charger had . news up to have a good time, waste our ious| 3. Contrast thecharacter (if any) of Haidee om occasion (when engaged r oy uty) to moments on University Extension, he they|with that of (a) The Maid of Athens, drink a ay of cans oe the ¢ are - might have been given to the galleries, or, | (b) Queen Mab. But there is one point pation - y “_ better still, to the shops? Dear Mr. Punch,| I took a lot of pains over this paper, and I to set right. Although known by the pub . you will not betray my confidence and print | sent the lecturer an anonymous button-hole, #8 NAPOLEON Deemareas®, By hero in private my real name, will you, if I tell you the| with a request (in the same handwriting as life was invariably called by bis intimates reason? I do so in the hope that you will a oe enews gene) iat be zs pn 9 my “ poor old — tfully use your t good influence to support | floral tribute a ure. He so, and ex- : ’ at our Sitin lor este aid boo mrotoer dnaly e- pressed himself as greatly pleased with my Zhe Amphitheatre Boswet Repivives. teresting us girls in the provinces. work. On my exercise (which I have kept) Within Site of Astley'ss I have always thought that the most|he wrote the following observation:—‘‘Ex-| P.S.—I saw the latest actor’s edition of important object of University Extension | cellent; most appreciative and womanly ; I Navotgow the other night at the Gaiety. He has been overlooked. It certainly was the|thank you; sh like to discuss a small | wasn’t “in it” with “ Gomenss,””—but then other day. I mean this, In the present | question with you after class.” _ | GoMERSAL wasoccasionally on horseback ; still, unparalleled depression of the matrimonial! Now we want more of this spirit among | there was the uniform and the snuff-box. ez VOL, CVI,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 14, 1894.

\ = 45 =. } \ / ; —=2 SSS = eal F — - — —— = ~ “ Ss Se &s — 4 f. y / 4 Wye # — IS Ra Ss — SSS ——_— oe ; —S sss ——~ a ——— —— > $- —— - a —.~ —— ES = bl —— -. a hing SR to, FANCY PORTRAIT. Lord Chief Justice . . . Lorp Russeit or KiLLowen, King Henry the Fifth , ‘You ARE RIGHT, JUSTICE, AND YOU WEIGH THIS WELL ; THEREFORE STILL BEAR THE BALANCE, AND THE SworD: Anp I po wisn your Honours MAY INCREASE!” Second Part of King Henry the Fourth, Act., V Sc. 2,

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Jury 14, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FANCY PORTRAIT. (A Shakspearian “‘ Living Picture” up to date.) . . Lorp Russet or Lord Chief Justice. . . { KILiowen, King Henry the Fifth. . Mr. Puncn. King. be are right, Justice, and you weigh this well; Therefore still bear the balance, and the sword: | And I do wish your honours may increase ! * * * * l For which I do commit into your hand The A sword CoLERIDGE was used to ry With this remembrance,—That you use the same With the like bold, just, and impartial spirit As you have shown before. There is my hand! Second Part of King Henry the Fourth Act V. &. 2 (slightly altered). As Harry unto Gascoicne gave, So Punch to Russext gladly gives That Sword which frights but rogue and slave, By which our ordered freedom lives ; And gives therewith his hand in token Of pleasure more than may be spoken. Nought have you ‘‘ done that misbecame Your place, your person,” or your power. ’Tis a right crown of crescent fame, Of fitness full befitting dower, That you, my Lord, “‘ have foremost hani”’ In dealing justice round the land. If set in quaint Shakspearian guise, Not less the motley-wearing Sage Gaily presents to serious eyes A living Picture for the Age. So *‘ take it—earnest wed with sport,” * From one who, stooping not to court, Loves e’en to praise in merry sort! * Tennyson's The Day Dream. THE HARDY ANNUAL AT HENLEY Or, LuncH AMONG THE RoweERs. Arn—‘‘ Love among the Ruins.” WueEn the early cat erotically smiles n the tiles, I arise and oy ae fling Any That is handy and adapted to my sense Of offence ; Then I reconstruct my well-avengéd head On the bed the : But the hope of slee» deferred is deadly dull, So I onl Memoranda from the great and golden time Of my prime. Twenty years at Henley-on-the-Thames, While the gems Of the season ay sparkled into cheers, (Little dears !) I endeavoured to secure the Ladies’ Plate ; Though of late I have been the painful object of remark na ue ; But the circuit of my waist was not as yet Fifty, nett ; And I fancy I was feeling pretty fit ; That was it. Then I fed on oaten fare and milky slops, Steaks and chops ; Never, never looked a lobster in the face, And the race Saw me down to just eleven at the scales, Hard as nails ; Now I very much prefer to view the hunt ] MODESTY. Housewife. ‘Wet, 1 I Give you some BREAKFAST, YOU'LL HAVE TO EARN IT BY Caorrinc somE Woop FOR ME.” Tramp. “‘1'’D LIKE TER ‘BLIGE YER, LADY. BUT, BLESHYER ‘ART, 'TAIN’T FER THE LIKES 0’ ME TER FOLLER IN THE Footsteps 0’ Mr, GLApsTtong |” Old Loves for New. At the yearly celebration it’s the rule, Hot or cool, é bane ~ For a girl with yellow eyes and eager hair ' (New Version of an Old Song.) To be there, | Jr ’tis good to be merry and wise, By a mass of mayonnaise and pigeon-pie ; | If’tis good to be honest and true, am I! | Then ’tis good to keep on with the old Oh the glory of the battle past recall ! ** Woman,” ter all, | And carefully keep off the New: What with hearts that freely wobble, stitch | For of honesty, truthfulness, wisdom, and that stabs, mirt : And the crabs, The “New Woman” shows a most plentiful And the quicken up to forty round the chest— dearth. Lunch is best! | Te German Derby {et one marks) was won at Hamburg by Baron Miwcnavsen’s Spider. SPECIALLY - ARRANGED Morro ror tue! The Baron has done many wonderful things Vicrorta Sreampoat Association’s New | in his lifetime (ride the history of his adven- Vesser “Tue Patu.” — “ Palma, que | tures), and it was a foregone conclusion that From a punt, -whegeees or an ark, or any sort su ’ While I minimise the necessary strain ith champagne. meruit, ferat,”—(i.e., Let The Palm carry | if he ran a horse at the Derby he was bound | as many as she was constructed to carry, an not only to win, but to make something more not more). than his 4

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juny 14, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) all adore. PART II.—SELECT PASSAGES FROM A COMING POET. Morning Room at Coxarye, Mrs. Brooxe-Cuatreris, and Miss Vivien SpEt- WANE are comfortably established near the fireplace, The Hon. Bertre Primer, Captain Toicknesse, and ARCHIE Scene II. The BearPark hare just drifted in, Miss Spelwane. Why, you_don’t mean to ony youve torn your- loved billiards already Bertie Pilliner. It’s too horrid rey - to leave us to play all by selves away from your ourselves ! to be pen We've all got so cross pair of silk socks and pumps. Captain Thicknesse (to himself). Do hate to see a fellow come evenin’ shoeson! Archie Bearpark (to Bextre Pruzixer). You speak for yourself, down in the mornin’ wit Prtutser. J didn’t come to be petted. Came to see if Lady Rwopa wouldn’t come and toboggan down the bi staircase on a tea-tray. Do! It’s elinkin’ sport ! Capt. Thick. (to himself). If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a rowdy bullyraggin’ ass like Ancure! Lady Rhoda. Ta muchly, dear boy but you don’t catch me travellin’ downstairs on a tea-tray twice—it’s just a bit too clinkin’, don’t you know! Archie (disappointed). y, there’s a mat at the bottom of the stairs! Well, if you won't, let’s get up a cushion fight, then. Brrtre and I will choose sides. Pritovur, I'll toss you for first pick up— come out of that, do. Bertie (lazily), Thanks, I’m much too comfy where I am. And I don’t see any point in romping and rump- ling one’s hair just before lunch. Archie. Well, you are slack. And there ’s a good hour still before lunch. THICKNESSE, you suggest something, there’s a dear old chap. Capt. Thick. (after a mental effort). Suppose we all go and have another loll round at the gees—eh, what ? Bertie. I beg to oppose. Do let’s show some respect for the privacy of the British hunter. Why should I go and smack them on their fat backs, and feel every one of their horrid legs twice in one morning? I shouldn't like a horse coming into my bedroom at all hours to smack me on the back. I should Aate it! Mrs. Brooke- Chatteris. I love them —dear things! But still, it’s so wet, and it would mean going up and changing our shoes a B Lady Rwopa [Lady Ruopa flatly de- clines to stir before lunch. Capt. Thick. (resentfully). Only thou about, that’s all. a little mud. then ! Miss >. Poor little fellow? On My lap!!! Capt. Th "t occur to me that he was on your ick, Oh, it—ah—didn lap. He don’t seem to mind that. Miss Spelw. No? How forbearin standing quite so much in my ligh Capt. compliments, here. afternoon. (He wanders aimlessly about the room; Ancuig BreaRPARK looks out of window with undisguised bo Lady Rhoda, | say, if none of you are goin’ to be more than this, you may as well go Bertie, Dear me stay. I'll be — quite prettily. so good, thud ght it was better than loafin’ To himself.) Ido bar a woman who’s afraid of He saunters up to Miss Sretwane and absently pulls the ear of a Japanese spaniel on her knee.) Poo’ little fellow, of him ! i t, L can’t see my work. hick. (to himself, retreating). That girl’s always fishin’ for | I didn’t rise that time, though. It’s jous slow | I’ve a good mind to say I must get c Y i ha to let B j ha d. Ob A dron da d h B CLaRI Lady Ruopa, how cruel of you! ou’ ve j ERTIE’S . . n » an ot her poems, y ON Look here, I'll read aloud LAIR, . 7 Lady Cule, (coldly), BERTIE PILLIVER can turn everything into at shall it be? you don’t care? no more do I. | a table close by.) Lady Raopa Bertie, Ah, but t Wyvern. misbehaving itself. I'll take the first that comes. How too delightful! (He reaches for the nearest rolume on Poetry—which I know you [ He turns over the leaves. Lady Rhoda. Uf om ask me, I simply loathe it. en you never he here is a choice little bit, stuek right up in a corner, as if it “ Disenchantment”’ it’s called. **My Love has sicklied unto Loath, me read it, you know. Now, i had been [He reads. And foul seems all that fair I fancied— Quite wonderful ! The lily’s sheen a leprous growth, The very buttercups are rancid!” Archie. Jove! The Johnny who wrote that must have been feelin’ fractious we ’ve come in here chippy ! _. Bertie. He gets cheaper than that in the next poem. This is his le arranges himself at her feet, so as to exhibit a very neat idea of ‘* Abasement.” ! I lie all if! “I'll read you a regular rouser ealled ‘ A Trumpet Blast.’ ”’ t) Would you mind not k to Aldershot this | much, eh, dear Vivien ? redom, ’ to you. Ican|B Her twice-five roseal toes are crampe ; Each maidly instep mauven-pink is flushing.” And so on, don’t you know. . . rouser called ‘‘A Trumpet Blast.” ‘Pale Patricians, sunk in self-indulgence, (One for you, dear ARCHIE ! Blink your blearéed eyes. Behold the Sun- -Burst proclaim, in purpurate effulgence, Demos dawning, and the Darkness— done! [ General hilarity, amidst which Lady CULVERIN enters. Lady Culverin, 8o glad you spite of this dismal weather. [ He reads. ** With matted head a-dabble in the dust, And eyes tear-sealéd in a saline crust, $ loathly in my rags and rust— Yet learn that strange delight may lurk in self-disgust.” Now, do you know, I rather like that —it’s so very decadent ! Lady Rhoda, I should call it utter rot, myself. Bertie (blandly). Forgive me, Lady Raopa. ‘Utterly rotten,” if you like, but not ‘‘ utter rot.” difference, really. Now, I’ll read you a quaint little production which dropped down to the bottom of the e, in low spirits, I suppose. ** Stanza written in Depression near Dulwich.” [ He reads. ‘* The lark soars up in the air; The toad sits tight in his hole ; And I would I were certain which of the pair Were the truer type of my soul!” Archie. I should be inclined to back the toad, myself. Miss Spelw. If you must read, do choose something a little less dismal. Aren’t there any love songs ? Bertie. I’Illook. Yes, any amount —here’s one. (He reads). ‘*To My Lady.” ** Twine, lanken fingers lily-lithe, Gleam, slanted eyes all beryl- green, {awrithe, Pout, blood-red lips that burst Then—kiss me, Lally Grisotine!” Miss Spelw. (interested). 80 that ’s his type. Does he mention whether she did kiss him ? Bertie. Probably. Poets are always rivileged to kiss and tell. I’ll see... ’m, ha, yes; he does mention it... I think I a read something else. Here’s a classical specimen. He reads, ‘* Uprears the monster now his slob- berous head, Its filamentous chaps her ankles brushing ; ped in dread, Now I'll read you a regular Sit tight, everybody! [ He reads, (Blink, pretty creatures, blink! ) ea) all contrive to keep your spirits up, in What is it that’s amusing you 80 | Miss Spelw. Bentre Prtioer has been reading aloud to us, dear amusin’ | Lady CuLvertn—the most ridiculous i What’s the name of it? —made us all simply (Taking the volume out of lS —— eee

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Jury 14, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

ridicule, we all know, but probably you are not aware that these particular poems are considered quite wonderful by all competent judges. Indeed, my sister-in-law—— All (in consternation). Lady CaxtrrE! Is she the author? Oh, of course, if we’d had any idea! Lady Culv. I’ve no os w believe that Lon pone ever composed any pettes. was going to say that she was most interested in the author, and as she ond my niece MAISsrE are coming to us this evening—— Miss Spelw. Dear Lady Curvert, the verses are quite, quite beautiful ; it was only the way they were read. Lady Culv, 1am glad to you say so, my dear, because I’m also e ing the pleasure of seeing the author here, and you will pro y Se stigtbons to-night. I hope, <xeey that you will remem s young man is a very distinguished genius ; there is no wit I omy Gee in making fun of what one doesn’t ha to understand, She passes on. ertie (plaintively, after Lady Cutvertw has left the room). May I trouble somebody to scrape me up? I’m pulverised! But really, you know, a real live poet at Wyvern! I say, Miss Speriwane, how will you like to have him dab ling his matted head next to you at dinner, eh ? Miss Spelw. Perhaps I shall find a matted head more entertaining than a smooth one. And if you’ve pe done with that volume, I should like to have a look at it. [She retires with it to her room. Archie (to himself). I’m not half sorry this Poet-johnny’s comin’ ; I never caught a Bard in a booby-trap yet. ; Capt. Thick. (to himself). She’s big ay Shen very evening! And I was nearly I I must get back to Aldershot! Lady Rhoda. 80 Lady Cantire’s comin’ ; we shall all have to be on our hind loge nets But Marsie’s a dear thing. Do you know her, Captain CKNESSE ! Capt. Thick, I—I used to meet Lady Maistre Mutt pretty often some time ago; don’t know if she ’ll remember it, though. Lady Rhoda, She'll love meetin’ this writin’ man—she’s so fearfully romantic. I heard her say once that she’d give anythin’ to be idealised by a great, poet—sort of—what’s their names— Perrarcn and Lavra business, don’t you know. It will be rather amusin’ to see whether it comes off—won’t it ? Capt. Thick. (choking). I—ah—no affair of mine, really. (Zo himself.) I’m not intellectual enough for her, I know that. uppose Is have to stand by and look on at the Petrarchin’, ell, there’s always Aldershot! —_ luncheon gong sounds, to the general relief and satis- action,

TO THE OXFORD CRICKET CAPTAIN, *€100, Not Out.” Monday, July 2, 1894, ConGRaTuLations, Mr. C, B. Fry You neatly wiped the Cantab Li ht Blue eye, And well deserved the fashionable shout Which hailed you for your century, not out. For your exploits, what language is too tall At cricket good alike with bat and ball, Full back at football (that’s Association), _ At jumping | ways—well, you lick creation. In Schools no idler when stern duty calls, Already having got a First in ‘* Smalls.” Yes, Oxford surely boasts to-day in you, Her most ed son, a Triple Blue. The Lord’s wicket made a scoring high day, But you yourself turned Monday into Fry-day !

Anarcuist ATTEMPT ON A WELL-KNOWN Brince.—After several

a young man, sup’ to be an Anarchist, whose name and address remain a profound secret, as, owing to his having taken his yy by the hour, and, having paid his shot, there was no excuse for his detention by the assistants in charge of the boats. He had been dining freely at a neighbouring hostelrie, the sign of which being “The Mitre,” suggested to the intelligent detective in charge of the case the probability of the wretched youth being a ‘* dine-a-mitre.” Furnished with this clue, the police are on his track. Fortunately the bridge escaped without injury, and this morning it not only crossed the river itself without difficulty, but assisted many travel- lers to do the same. Asprration.—A youthful rhymist, inspired by the Derby, wishes to become a pa Poet. oet? and * Prophet,’ he Mate observes, ‘‘ meant about the same thing in Homeric times; and, indeed, in most prophecies of coming events on the turf I have generally found more of poetry than of profit.” The modest rhymster says, that as he can never to be first in the field of poetry, ‘‘ he may at least become a Ossy-"un.”

failures, the Hampton Court Bridge was shot yesterday evening by | M

OPERATIC NOTES. Ir strikes me forcibly that the Wagnerian idea has influenced all recent compositions. Nothing is now done without a “‘ motive.” It may be a good motive, or a bad motive, or an inadequate motive, or ~ — pee motive ; hag ee on at be with our —< pacten of com rs, who, i agnerian idea, (not in itself a purely nlainolane) and pe on it, attribute less importance to the “‘ Act” than to the “motive,” though by a reflex action the scheme of the Act suggests, organises, and it may be added, orches- trates the “‘ motives.” ’ Attaque du Moulin is a practical example " of this theory. It is not styled an opera but a lyric drama in four acts. Itis founded y M. Louis Gatuer on Zona’s story; it is uced to plain English by Mr. Werarnerty ; the music is by ALFRED Bruneau ; and for the stage management, which has so largely conduced to its success, Sir Avevstvus Dravurio- _ LANus is responsible. -&, It is not what the sporting papers term 4 ‘*a merry mill,” though there is plenty of fight- Ing. ere are some = songs in it, and there L’Attaque du Moulin (a poivre) a millcedies niga ON may catch on when heard a second or third time ; but they certainly do not arrest the attention at a first hearing. The music, I judge only from the one representation, seems lacking in those catching-on airs which, coupled with the admirable acting of the principals, made the fortune, sur le champ, of the Cavalleria Rusticana, But a ‘* wind-mill” without any “air” can’t be expected to ‘‘ go.” _ Madame Dena is forcibly dramatic, true, but not powerful as a singer, at least in Covent Garden. Nor is there in the character of this Maid of the Mill any such great ty whereby to test the power of the actress as there is in part of Santuzza, or of Anita in La Navarraise. Madame Detya may be all that enthusiastic re- porters have said she is, but she must have a great deal of power in reserve, for the lay of w does not offer the chance. Mons. Bouvet as Merler, the Miller, who “* created ” the part in Paris, is good, but his acting is somewhat monotonous. Madame pg Nvo- VINA as Francoise, is a young Lady Macbeth, who gives the dagger and does not request that it may be returned to her again when done with. M. Bonnanrp, as the Singing Sentinel, reminding me of Griipert and Sutiivan’s Sentinel “ with a song ”’ in one of the Savoy Series, was very good; and Mons. Cossrka, excellent as the escaping prisoner, bore so strong a resemblance to the Director of the Fortunes of Covent Garden and Drury Lane, that people looked twics at their ae in order to be quite sure that an apology for the singer not been made, and that the much-talented Sir Davriotanvs had not, at the shortest ble notice, consented to be his “ remplogant.” Mons. ALBERs, as the German Captain, ought to be in receipt of a very large salary, seeing “‘how wide he opens his mouth” when singing. All were good in the best of all possible operatic entertain- ments, including the unequalled orchestra conducted by M. Pn. Fiow, (is this ** been a A who has taken his turn with Signori BEvIGNANI, MANCINELLI, Mr. Freperic Cowen, the bet mentioned coming to look after his new Opera of Signa, in which adame pe Nuovina was charming, and Signor Bensamino Davirso a ed as the Anglo-Italian Tenor. Congratulations to Signor KEDERICO CowENI. Saturday night. Elaine. ‘If it’s not very lively,” observes Sir Avevusrvs beforehand, ‘still it must be remembered that | have not only at heart the interests—and in et the interest—of Covent Garden, but also of ‘ Drear Elaine,’ it prove a joyous opera and attract the people, then I shall consider it as an example of ‘ Drawer-Elaine’ at Covent Garden, But now—hark!—let us not trifle with time and tune. MANcCINELLI is raising his bd/on, up goes the curtain, and all in to begin. Nous rerrons.” And the “all” includes the Prince and Princess of Waxes and their two unmarried daughters, and a very good house indeed. ‘‘ And how is Elaine?” is the question. ‘* Very well, thank you, and much better than she was two years ago,” is the reply. Elaine is decidedly thinner. One Act gone, and other judicious cuts have reduced her, The opera is consequently lighter. Due weight, however, is given to it by | Madame Meta and Jean pe Reszek, Devetoranve has followed ithe precedent of ‘‘ cutting the ’osses.” But the ‘' cackle” of geese | followeth not. On the contrary, the applause is abundant.

j j

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 14, 1894. | MUSIC AT HOME. Hostess, ‘O8, THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVELY Music, Herr Buiumentorr! Ir’s sust wHat I Like, IT BLENDS £0 PERFECTLY WITH THE CONVERSATION WITHOUT IN THE LEAST INTERRUPTING IT!” - Te , , lB & Co.— the show ; WAITING THEIR TURN. Matee TARE fe eat craeat releotion. AT LAST. (In the Hot Room, St. Stephen's Baths, They arrogate questions of date, At last the sky is actually blue. Westminster, ) ey set the time, and the temperaéwre too.| Say not ‘‘ dull, hazy, p be my overcast,” pe. oo ee If I insist, well, they ’ll resist ; O weather prophets, “* fine ” alone is true : a oe ; Get their way, too, in the long run,—ah! At last. Pour! ’Tis slow work! Were I a Turk, sure to! eee Fancy I’d put it through more expedi- At last, as June is finishing, the Row tiously ! Nice state o’ things! Wish I had wings! Looks bright and gay. The differen:xe 1s Poor little Bills! Funkiness fills Much rather boss a small Bath by the vast ; _ All their small souls! See ’em glancing Bosphorus ! The sunlit’grass, the rhododendrons g'ow nas sus "ih ~~ and | -_ at St. ty ! At last. imid and torrid! Finding it horrid unning it e year round at a loss— , . : Waiting their turns 4 shampooing and for us! at ast my toupee flies ont in } =, lungin ; Look at ’em there, each on his chair, Ne te a : thed after © ag 4° 4 Parboiled and = each, as a shrimp ; |_ Wobbly, iring and weary 0’ waiting! | “*°T 8°** ** SP° — At lest = No great result for my long scurryfung- | Might have done, every one, a ing!!! ut for Balfourian procrastinating. At last it rests serenely on my brow, a s fi as colours nai a t : Faith, Iam tired! Been much admired | Rum-looking lot! Don’t they seem hot? | 1n tact it’s somewhat hot and heavy now, For my long patience with Big Buy Little “ Evicrep,” young *‘ EquaLisarion. At last. He got it hot! Worrying lot [Bupeer. Quite in a stew. The other two,— " F Some of these fellows. But Bitty will|_. Well, ’tis complete discumboblification ! At last you sport your thinnest frocks, fair trudge it Must make my choice! Waiting my voice ! maid, Pretty soon, now. Splosh!!! Whatarow! Gentlemen please—Mr.— ahem! Oh!| Sweet Cutor, Pry iis, PyRRHA, prim or Bitty is bulky, and makes a big splashing. thunder ! : fast. me Head-first he goes, kicks up his toes,— | They all pop nD, pomat as a Ted Now AmMARYLLIs dallies in the shade All that is left after boiling and washing. | Which had tter first call in I wonder? At last. , ‘ , At last Nexnra’s hair is undisturbed, — ed whe 7. ge? Not out of curl from damp, nor by the readiest ? THE NEW PARTY. blast I’m so restricted! Little “‘ Evicrep,” i. Grant ALLEN and several other advanced In tangles blown. She smiles quite unper- Small Irish bhoy, seems I fancy the | Politicians have started a new party, the members turbed At last. steadiest. |of which are to be called Isocrats, a title very At last. But soon the rain, the fog, the haze “ 7p” 5 watt similar to one coined by CoLerince for a society ey EQvaLISATION ! His perspiration | ehish haGedkedtte fonnd on principles of quneeal —— light frocks that now sweep gaily Je past. Something prodigious, and yet—well—the : : , ality. —Dai other !— © pee ly For tempora mutantur ; such fine days Oh! English, Scotch, Welsh, they all look | Mawr have heard of Pantisocracy, "t last, like squelch, , |__A compound erude of CoLERrper and cant, Can’t last And the task of selection is truly a bother! The latest products of ; - Dab themselves Isocrats without the Traverimyc Morro at Hormay True.— Had I free choice,—Ah! but my voice ’Tis as it should be, is it not, (* pant.’”’ | ‘‘ Too many Cooks (tourists) spoil the Con Only counts one nowadays in selection. For what are they but sans-culottes } tinent.” = ———————— Se

Page 29

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Jury 14, 1894] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. / a Z PLZ ‘ 4, ‘fA Vy) AIP LE IGS i, fy nds, less Lae A, : aad ‘ awed i ae WN \ * Maud (who has had the misfortune to bring her Cousin from Provincial Town into the Row). ‘‘ But, Goop Gracious ! oy E. I rHovVGHT You WERE ACCUSTOMED TO HORSEs ; IN FACT, YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD BEEN RIDING A GOOD DEAL LATELY,” He (in intervals of bumping). ‘‘ B—s—sut it was A B—s—Bicycie!” NOMINE TANTUM. THIs morn, as now for half a score of years, I comfortably caught the nine-fifteen ; At noon we met by chance—as noontide nears Such the weeks round our daily chance has been ; Yet shipwrecked brother, newly come to land, Could not more fiercely seize me by the hand. You ask me how I am, nor let it pass, But keep on asking till I tell you how ; "Twere rude to bid you not to be an ass, Churlish to turn a greeting to a row ; But, knowing that my general health is fair, Why should you daily ask, why should you care ° I sometimes wonder, while my knuckles ache With unrequited pressure of your digits, While wplapeted mysteries nought you make, And take no notice of my patent fidgets— I wonder how a real old friend you ’d flatter, And how reveal a really private matter. Think but a moment, (if you ever think,) Inever knead your knuckles with my thumb, I never proffer an untimely drink, About my own affairs I’m ever dumb, Yet I believe, in your impulsive way, You think we ’re bosom friends from child- hood’s day. Yes, though they brand our Engli~h ways as cold, {huge be fi Meetings like ours make glad the whole The meets, weighty as though » -_ guild, writty The lawyer's clerk, precocious, slim an All have the same convulsive warmth of greeting For casual whom they ’re al or — Tig e re always | placidly watching the shooting of the lug- in| gage, which is unattended by any danger, leach box goi sae he can | the passengers. come back to the shores of Old England, and the adventurous landed at Victoria Terminus by 7.15 or it may ey be 7.20, with another ozonised appetite, = Is it perchance self-preservation’s law That drives good will, drowning Mammon’s sea, To clutch in frenzy at a man of straw, And cheer a heart with the hand’s amity, That in the way of business would stab it— Or is it only an absurd bad habit ” off with a very slight noise, | ly wonder at the anxiety of | en, farewell France, wel- | Briton will find himself | A PUFF AND A BLOW. | for a dinner chez lui,—ot chez anybody who'll | hi : SHovLp tropical weather continue, let dusted, fired, an We fagged nor weary, he will be wooden-pavemented, sorethroated, weary Lon- | certain of a rer sleep at an early hour, and Vie- | sure to wake in the morning ell the better and i doner, take train Sunday Morning 11 a.m. toria, or rather let train take Aim, right away fresher for his outing and his inn-in N.B.—Fine weather and to Dover, where he will at once step on ; the Calais- Douvres, and get one hour and 4 | taken for granted. } quarter’s worth of ozone into his system. Then . ! at 2.15 he will land at Calais, when, free of baggage, wraps, and all such-like ‘mpedi- LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES, menta, he will walk into the buffet of the ry:..dedeee das Basen hotel, and having made his choice from man Riga aca tart I ee tamne excellent things there set before him, he will Ir I were—Jack, and you were—JIL1., proceed to walk into his déjeuner @ la| Our waltz of some few minutes back fourchette, for which meal he will have} Perchance had been a “ frightful thrill — —_ time, seeing that the Coeaceney If you were Jitu, and I were Jack! oes not start on its return voyage till 3.45. P Bo) After déjeuner comes the fourchette, or ** fork } pe ~: J _ at's Beene ah ' out,” which, if the royageur be wisely con- That you tee» Bag ated Damn You would not do your best to show, If I were Jack. tent with the ordinaire, will amount to a pm were Jiri (that ’s—Somebody), very moderate sum. Then, exclaiming with the ancient pirate of bye-gone nautical melo- drama, ‘‘ Once aboard the lugger and we are free,” he will saunter, leisurely, with cigar, ould not find ‘‘the work” up-hill ; ipe, or cigarette, according to the taste No treading conversation’s mill— of the Floor, music, theatres—wearily, If you were Jit. Jr, and I were Jack, smoker, down to the boat. There, if he be wise and wary, he will at once If you were A kinder ight your eyes would fill, And I Font re-embark, in order to secure a comf not look glum and black -chair in a ition, long before any trait Siesta Lag oy ern travellers from If I were—Jack, and you were—Jrit ! trains Belgi Paris shall . There he can sit, enating ‘colulp =e cool sunshade, gent f breeze —and afterwards, sufficiently | | | | =

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| | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jury 14, 1894. = OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. | “A DELIGHTFUL book,” quoth the Baron, “is Darid Garrick, | written by my worthy friend, JoserH Kwiont, F.8S.A. Let me recommend this work as one to be placed by your reading chair, and to be taken up, as was Mrs. | Gamp’s bottle, when so dispoged, and oftentimes will you thus enjoy a Knight with Garrick.” One of the most humorous among very many anecdotes in this book is| that about Boswe. going to the SHAksPeaRE Féte costumed as a | Corsican, within his pocket a poem he had written for the occasion, and *‘which,’’ says Mr. Kwieut simply, *‘he intended to speak, but the crowd would not suspend | its diversions to hear him.” That’s all: but isn't it delightfal! Bozzy!! The Baron is more than pleased to see once again the deft hand of Mr. T. H. 8. Escorr at work in| reviewsand magazines. Hispaper, entitled ** Edmund Yates, an Ap- | preciation and a Retrospect,” is most interesting to the Baron, who can call to mind the persons he mentions in literary and jour- nalistic conection with Epmunp YatTes—though the Baron does not happen to remember them in this par connection, but as a yvand of brothers quite apart, and all of them younger by some years than Epmonp Yates, who, at the time Hoop, Prowse, H. 8. Leen and others were commencing, had made his name in literature, was Cuartes Dickens's henchman, | and had been also more or less suc- cessful, in combination with a Mr. Poor | Byron “flourished,” and when | sigHT |” -OUR FEMALE DECADENTS. Bulkeley Bigge (a charming fellow, but a bad dancer). ‘‘I can't HARRINGTON, as a dramatist. The|THrisK WHAT ALL THE GIRLS ARE COMING TO! time I speak of is when H. J. | Back-bownss ! THEY VE GOT NO} FIVE WANTED TO sit OvuT A DANCE WITH ME TO- | been the food of the Homericgods? “* all the world was young.” The W orld itself, of course, not having been born or thought of. Looking back to those days the Baron thinks that Mr. Escort does him- self an ininstice, and that he is younger than he thinksheis. Be this as it may, he will in any case have a stock of pleasant memories to draw upon, and now, if his health permit, all will look for- ward to what he cannot look forward to himself, 7.e., his re- miniscences. ‘* Prosit! Mr. Escott! Your health, happiness, and a long life to you,”’ quoth the gladsome Baron DE Boox-Worms. Hentey Notes.—Why did the onlookers persist in making a trouble of a pleasure-bout? De- lightful time, but racing not much, By Eton Radley Was beaten Badly. Lots of pluck But no ack. Guy and Vrivran NIcKALIS easily to the front in the Diamond ( Salletes Sculls, sixth and seventh heat. There was no doubt about the heat during Henley week, as ‘seventh heat” only feebly ex- presses the temperature. The betting on Guy, in sovereigns, resulted in a loss of GUINNESS, The inscription which goes with the Diamond Seulls is done in NICKALLS-silver, OUR SCHOOLBOY AGAIN, Examiner. What is said to have Boy. Nectarines and ammonia. MR. PUNCH TO TWO NOBLE SPORTSMEN. Waar, ~~ po and the stout Valkyrie sunk ! How are the hopes of noble champions shrunk! Oh, most unfrabjous day ! No more can Rosrsery boast the unbeaten , “ty [back ” No more that yacht will go ‘* galumphing Prize-winner glad and gay ! TALK IN COURT. (Consequent on the Peerage Invading the Ranks of the Bar.) May it please your Lordship, the Duke, my femnel and noble junior, will read the pleadings. I will leave it to my noble and learned friend the Marquis to examine the next witness. I can quite understand your Lordship's annoyance, but I can assure you, my lord, Punch sympathises with his friend Dvw- | that the noble Earl from whom I receive my RAVEN, Who nevermore may see return to haven That gallant, luckless yacht. Priwnose, dear boy, even the fleet Ladas May yield without disgrace to Jsing/ass, But Bullingdon '—that’s hot ! instructions promised that the documents should be forthcoming. I suppose we may leave the question of costs to be settled by our juniors the illustrious Prince and the hereditary Karl Gardener ? Really, Duke, I must ask you not to inter- rupt me while I am conducting this cross- Perchance the Nonconformist Conscience now | examination. May be conciliated! Anyhow The horse may ‘* come again But that eep: May Nerrrvne carefully and kindly keep That hull beneath his main. | roud yacht lies twenty fathom | called to the Bar, should have m I regret, my Lord, that my young and promising sm who has but recently _ e the concession, but it is only right to tell your Lordship that the nobleman in question— the Duke of Herwe Bay—misunderstood his instructions. li Sure there is nothing of her but should | I am sorry, my Lord, that absence in change Sea-shapen into somethi ell, England will regret With a good oe by disaster struck, And hope he "Il uck To lick the Yankee yet! rich and strange. | fromm ad i er of the ee! prevented me your Lordship. I trust, however, that the inexperience of my noble and learned friend, the Viscount Torrey- live with a new yacht—and | nam Covrt Roap, will not be allowed to prejudice my client's interests. A SONG OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY. Mamma is a judge of divorces, Sister Anne is a learned Q.C., Exiza is great upon horses, And Dora a thriving M.D. Aunt Jane is a popular preacher, Aunt Susan a dealer in stocks, While Father, the gentlest old creature, Attends to the family socks, Aunt Potty’s a marvel of knowledge, With any amount of degrees, She’s Master or head of some college— I forget whether Corpus or Caius— Aunt Next is the eminent counsel Who pleads at the criminal bar, And I feed the canary with groundsel For I’m learning to be a Papa, I’m to marry a girl in the City, She allows me a hundred a year To dress on, and make peal pretty, And keep me in baccy and beer. The duties P—Oh, as for the duties, You can possibly guess what they are ; And I warrant the boys will be beauties That are destined to call me Papa. ‘*Barry, come uP!” (Quotation from Shakspeare by a “‘ geltlebal with a cold id’is ’ead.”’)—Mr. J. Wotre Barry was made ‘‘a Companion of the Bath,” as a recognition of his having done his best for the Thames. | As your p pleases ! os 3 ay -_ ee ee a ee a a a ok Sheet 2 ee eof 6.8 2 bebe bee be BS tee fee

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Jury 14, 1894.) " PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 23 EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY House of Commons, Monday, July 2.—‘ I am sorry,” said Cap’en Tommy Bow tes, “that there is no CuatHam, Burke, or Fox alive at this moment to resist this project of taxing the Colonies.”’ In their unavoidable absence the Car’En, cont to his custom offered a few remarks. It had been just as well if he had omitted the prelimi one. He really did not mean anything, much less did he desire deliberately to offend his friends Bartiey, BurcHer. and Byrne. But, as the poet remarks, Evil is waengat by want of thought, and the invidiousness of Tommy's remark lost nothing of sting because he had not intended to hurt anyone's feelings—except, | concluded that audience had fully of course, those of SeurrE oF Matwoop, and that is a legitimate occupation. When an enthusiastic female admirer observed to the eminent Waster that he and Vetasquez were the two greatest | artists of times ancient or modern, Jemmy modestly observed, ‘* Why dragin Vetasquez?” Thus Bartiey, Burcuer, and Brrne turned upon Tommy with reproachful glance and murmured, ‘* Why drag in CoaTHamM, Burke, and Fox?” However, all over now. The midnight bells chiming over sultry London proclaim passing of Budget Bill through Committee. Been a long hard fight, monotonous in its continuity, occasionally exciting in its divisions, continuously illustrative of lishman’s faculty of Mroeaen, ult ieocaeed ieee chingly an, he am ALWoOoD, who ug in y , in the main, humouredly, borne the brunt of battle. The flesh is weak, especially when there is a deal of it, and the thermometer stands at 82° in the shade. e Squire has snapped occasionally, Joxim’s apologetic figure, upright at opposite side of table, proving unfailing, irresistible, incentive. Even worse to bear have been the desertion of a few followers and the importunity of many. Had the Saurre been a weaker man, he would long ago have brought the Closure to bear on obstruction, there would have followed a state of irritation, amid which, if Budget was not wrecked, it would have appropriated the whole time of an extended Session. The Squire, going on another has worn out obstruction by affecting the virtue of urbanity if he it not. I i 1 ing Clause XX VII. through lines, after g a majority of over a hundred, to be com- in and | hapless man stands clutching to recommit Bill, that CLancy might chortle, tEDMOND rage. SQuIRE to resist ; ed from his own side when he yielded. But what happened? At quarter past ten to-night Bill recommitted in respect of this clause, and on stroke of midnight the whole thing was done with. ** We Liberals,” said the Member for Sarx, “‘ always know better than our leaders, As there are ae a and as we each take our individual view, result somewhat | ic, Good thing if in com- parative leisure of week end we think over how the Budget Bill was passed, and what would have happened if we had worried the Squire into going one of our diverse ways.” Business done.—B t Bill. Tuesday.—Enter the apothecary. It was Cap'en Tommy BowLes who brought him on. The last person in any one’s mind. House in Committee on Army Estimates; Hansony to the fore. Bound to live up to the 534 speeches he made and questions he put last Ew Tommy then beat him by fourteen, and promises to be equally ahead in the current Session. The Cap’sn hitherto had peculiar advantage, Scat indies, "Hastie Minor Gees algae poke ke ome waters. Having up on y tax, on death duties, Tommy et Ss and the House with the command he displayed over intricacies of Budget Bill. Hansury then fell behind. Now, with House in Committee on Army Estimates, he can show Tommy a clean pair of heels, a or in which that — and able Marine may or may take keen personal in ; Hansury began at once raising point of order; MerLion ruled him out like a shot; so went off on another tack. Adventured the startlingly novel pain that ‘‘ promotion should be by merit.” Enlarged on the theme for twenty minutes; sat down only when he mastered th ered € proposition, contem- plation of which was new to their bewild It was at this stage Tommy towed in the apothecary. He appeared on the scene quite as abruptly as Romeo’s acquaintance in the streets I do remember an of Mantua :— o a ec’ And hereabout he dwells, _ Car’en omitted details; but House gathered that his friend the apothecary was, like Romeo’s, meagre of looks, worn to the bones by sharp misery. ‘his ye paren engendered by coommattanes that he n ing in his n y shop, e green earthen pots bladders, and musty seeds, remnants of thread and old cakes of roses, upon fact that whilst there are onsen jors in the Army, there are no apothecary-majors, On ‘of his absent friend, Tommy demanded an explanation from Secretary or State FoR AR. CAWMELL-BANNERMAN with the ruthless dineans of Shaksperian traditions that seems to suit the War Office, said ‘* apothecaries are an expiring class,” a way of putting it that pappested they had been dosing themselves. Their place was now filled by non-commissioned officers, who were called compounders of medicine. ; What a fall is here. Fancy Romeo foing about the moonlit streets of Mantua calling out, ‘‘ What ho! Compounder of Medicine.” This callous remark had such effect on Cap’en Tommy that he laid aside his speaking-trumpet, and was heard no more through the live- long night. Business done.—Some Votes in Army Estimates. Thursday.—Looked in after dinner just now; startled to find Hansvry on his legs, with bit of dirty white rag held out in both hands towards ‘lreasury Bench. Not many Members present ; those on Liberal side vociferously cheering. CaWMELL-BANNERMAN looking in better temper even onal: which was strange since Committee on Army Estimates been at it since four o’clock, and only one vote passed. OODALL, only other occupant of Treasury Bench been shewing how a man may smile and smile, and be a inancial Secretary to the War Office. Now the smile broadens till it stretches almost full length of Treasury Bench. As Sark says, it justifies —— Kipiune’s bold imagery of Bons sitting on a bucking ger, With a smile round both yer ears, Ain’t ye Bobs ? Cavstow just bustled in, holding telegram at arm’s length. It is the reading of this that has broken the monotony of Committee with noise of cheering, and dashed a smile along the Ministerial benches like a sudden flash of sunlight. Only for this merry mood, one entering the House at this Yo, ay moment might fear the worst. Hansvry been at it hour hour since Tuesday, when House got into Committee on Navy Estimates. CAWMELI-BawNERMAN, 4 person of imperturbable temper. But there are limits to human endurance; now they seem to have been reached. This telegram Causton has brought in and handed to War Minister doubtless announces that all is ready ; a file of soldiers waits on the Terrace ; Hawsvry will be seized, bound, earried forth, blindfolded, shot ; and then the Committee will really get to business, and vote Suppl , A sad fate for one only y ‘ Still, cannot withhold the tear of pity as the at the extended white flag which , his promise of Ropert WILLIAM, announces his capitulation, his entreaty for better conduct in future.

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24 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Suny 14, 1894.

Ask Sark if he won’t say something for the doomed man. Sark, in la not to | be here ted, explains that things are not whatthey seem. Fact is, Hanpuny has somewhere obtained (in what manner, SARK hints, may be matter for police inquiry) a rtion of sheeting, the pro Ba EK i AJESTY, supplied to soldiers. is he has brought down, intending to confound Caw- MELL-~BaNNeRMAN. Happened to bring it out just at the moment when news arrived of a great Liberal victory snatched at the polls at Attercliffe. Thats all. Business done. —Two yotes in Army Estimates. House of Lords, Friday.—Peers not habitually given to tears. To-night the Markiss plunged them (especially Ministers into condition of abject woe. Only sai that England was the head-quarters of the | Anarchist operations, the laboratory in which all their eontrivances were hatched. RoseBERY jumped at opportunity with in- tuition of Old Parliamentary Hand. En- larged upon it with skill of born debater. MaRrxkiss saw his mistake. Hadn’t meant anything ; only his way of putting a case. But here was Rosesery pitilessly i it clear how the Leader of the Patriot Party had given his country away to the Paris gossips ; how he had assumed a state of things which, set forth on authority of ex-Prime Minister and ex-Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, would be made much ad the enemy abroad. ARKIS® for once so singed by his own blazing indiscretion that he did not wait for ScHoMBERG MacpoNNELL's convenient cor- respondent, but forthwith endeavoured to explain away his remarks. This led only to tears coursing more rapidly down Rosx- BERY’s pained face, whilst Spencer forlornly shook his beard as if it were the flag of England drooping uncer the shamed skies, and Kiuser ey dolefully dropped his head. A pretty scene, admirably staged and acted. usiness done.—The Mannie puts his foot in it.

The Two Sarahs. O WomMay, you romp in with ease! If you ’re not proud you’re hard to please: Men talk to-day on every hand Of *‘the Grand Sara” and *‘Saran Granp.” AGO.” | SINCE THAT TOIME!” Trish Jarvey. “‘ Let Me purive yer Honove to Duxngew Heap.” English Tourist, ‘‘1 HAVE seEN THAT, Pat. Trish Jarvey. ‘‘ AW, YER Honour, SHURE THEY VE ADDED TO THE SCENERY ‘Ss RA AA, QOH \\A

NK <K %\ tS J / A ‘\ Q — rr we 3 3 a % I went THERE Two Years . = eS ~ ~“

SrargTiine ror Her.—Mrs. R.’s niece read out the handing of a yaragraph in the Daily Graphic last Thursday, which soun ie attentive aunt like “‘ The New Baby.”’ Mrs. R. was all attention, | expecting some gratifying intelligence from White Lodge. Imagine her astonishment when i niece continued, ‘‘ An addition to the collection of the Zoological Society of London was made last week——”’ ** What!!!” exclaimed Mrs. R., and her niece continued.) ‘‘ When a gnu was born at the menagerie in Regent’s Park.” The excellent lady was dumb with amazement. Then her niece showed her the heading which was *‘ A Gnu Baby,” with the illustration of the gnu baby and the old mother. PHOSPHORESCENCE IN Ant.—Said Professor Dewan, in a recent lec- ture, ‘‘ A perfectly clean plate of metal does not oresce, but the merest trace of grease —such as is left by the of the hand will make it brightly luminous.”’ Take, adds Mr. Punch, by way of example, a perfectly clean plate of metal, apply to it the hand of a skilled etcher, say of Professor Hcnert Herxomer, R.A., and the result will be brightly luminous, and what is more, it will last, and its bright luminosity will increase with age. Vive Rosesrry!—The owner of Ladas celebrated the Derby triumph with an entertainment to the Epsom Poor of the Union Workhouse, all Unionists, of course, which makes the Premier's Ladasian horse-pitality still more . “This week His Lordship entertains the Epsom tradesmen,” so it is announced. One of the entertainments will be of a novel naval character, and will consist of a hornpipe by the celebrated Old Epsom Salts. Afterwards nautical song, “ Allin the Downs.” 1 | th Reatty Sensince.—The Lord Chief Justice of England, Lor Russert of Killowen, (and if there is anything in a name isn’t this ‘* Justice to Ireland” ’) will commence his judicial duties, after the swearing is over, to-day, Wednesday, His Lordship has appointed Mr. R. J. Brock to be his Chief Clerk. Excellent appointment! Especially in this summer heat, as when oppressed by the weight of os legal wig, the Lord Chief will simply take it off and put it on the Block.

Soe Kxows!—Mrs. R. is much pained on hearing that in scme parts of the Potteries the favourite song is the well-known one containing the lines :— The beating of his own wife Was all the sound he heard. As she shrewdly rem=rks, this indicates the manner in which the cottar in this district is accustomed to spend his Saturday night.

Ocr Tony anp nis Anxious Frrenps,—Mr. Punch has received several letters reminding him that the Duke of RurLawp isa Cantab, not an Oxonian as stated in our Tosy’s ‘‘ Essence” for June30. Topsy is delighted to hear it. He will remember in future that ** Mr. Crummies is not a Prussian,” &e., &c, “Lowpon Prayexounps.”—Drury Lane, Lyceum, Haymarket, Toole’s, &c., &e. The respective managers say they prefer to see

ese crammed, and object to all ‘* open spaces.”

Fo v& FT; E ge

lax

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_*

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juxy 14, 1894.

SUNLIGHT SOAP COMPETITIONS. 222.000 Prizes of Bicycles, Watches, and £ I 232,000 Books, value ’ The First of these Monthly Conggatitions = will be held on cpsenuery 31st, 1894, to be followed | aoe G hes ae “7 Cut off the yids. GF Competitors to save as many “ SUNLIGHT” Soap Wra as they can collect. Cut top at <i of each wrapper—that parcion containing the beading “SUNLIGHT SOAP.” These (called the ns”) are to fe sent, enclosed with a sheet of paper en which the Co ee has written bis or her full name and scare 8 and the number of coupons sent in, postage paid, to Messrs. Lever Broth ed, Port Sunlight, near Lirkenbead, marked the Postal Wrapper (top left-hand corner) with the NUMBER of the DISTRICT Competitor in, Value of Prizes For this Ui will be The Prizes will be tded th 4 in each of the De | b Comeeitiion Se Tas the etted Kingtem | owes our = mon uring lev, ay CH == petitors’ whe send tine largest number of Coupons trom | | “| ~ SCOTLAND. at winner's option, a Lady's or Gent's“ Premier” MIDDLESEX, KB, ena sume. | Se Src ith bumtr Poe =m te writ win NORTHUMBERLAND, DURHAM, | Winding silver Lever Watch, value 44m. 200 Competitors will ty receiv # Book, it 5S. ...0- Cag ies "308 Ge Competitors will cack receiv next a 2 Competitors will ‘cach ‘receive a Book, — = Sp} see Competitors will each receive a Book,

ey

g Bate

ri Lever Brothers | award prizes fairly to the a Messrs. Ay At yy oe whe compete agree to accept the Fy Brothers, Limited, as final. * Tho Bicycles are the celebrated ee - Tube “ - Fenew, Word's Pair Chicago, a by Cycle Company, Ltd., of Coventry and 14 _ Holborn Viadnet, London fitted with Dan 1894 Pneumatic 'yres; Salsbury’s “‘ Iuvincible” Lampiugh's 406 Saddle; Harrison's Gong; Tool Valise, Pump, &c,

SPLITS, AND BYPHONS 4b Brandy. SOTTLED IN COGNAC. Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. ‘ ‘ CARRIAGE PAID TO ANY ANDRESS IF Laurent-Perrier’s : : , ORDERED THROUGH ONE OF THE AGENTS ‘“ CHAMPA AGNE- OF THE XOMPANY SAN Saaieeee” * 46annees

-*

FRERES’ ‘00CA- TONIC. CHAMPAGNE.” . = i, FIRST QUALITY ed combination thesromers er ] 7 aaa — L,- for or Tnluense,” Ansa oe e. sis CHAMPAGNE. pee, &c. Sold only in l-ounce Packets, and 2, 4. 8-ounee, and |-Ib. Tins, Which keep the Tobacco in fine smoking Herts ties Pints, 45s. ; Balt-plte, Ste. por Ges condition. Ask at all Tobsceo Sellers’, Stores, &c., and take no other. RIMMEL’ Cenvony sustained its

Has for over Macr « Miouw Kervrarion as an span geld ty Wine Meschente, Steen, pppoe ti agit SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED ACAINST IMITATIONS, | TOILET soli negeinite ine Woob,s, Susscx The Genuine bears the Trade-Mark, “Nottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tin. | VINEGAR ti ttis. nae: s Sew Just out FERI N C Ss GOLD | PLAYER'S WAVY CUT CICARETTES, in Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 60, and 100. “MBOGAME™ and“ MLUBAE MORE wow one

London and Paris. Sold Everywhere The following extract from the “ Revizw or Reviews,” Nov., 1890, is of interest to every Smoker: Cavtion.—Note name and trade mark on all goods THE PIPE IN THE WORKHOUSE. ~~ pictare drawn by our Helper of the poor old man in the OPENHAGEN workhouse. puffing away at an empt¥ pipe, has toughed the hearts of some of our correspondents. Une who dates from the High Alps, and si; himself “ Old Gerew,” sayar “ I have been struck with your fetus with in the October number of the Kaview or Kevigws for a lo supply smokers in union w ith tobacco. 1 am afraid, : "soaked das t-¥ lam the most seifish of mortais, as i CAUTION. HE ANDY. ” ae — cones & for purposes scheme of yours appeals at once to the . sympa hardened and inveterate smoker. (mt ion. | would af once start a collecting-box | Beware of worthless and injurious imitations, not a but, aes a Sea Salt at eS but common a salt, used in ° compete see be be 6 Cencerer round the Contunent Hext nine months. | can. — making caustic alkali, manure, &e Retailers offer PLR ELH CEE aah a of what 1 Conauer the BEST SMOKING TOMA an sdvertnmment, "i sucess, theretore, « cheque Spr the emanate | eebatsoutns, & re hebie fe pccertiae, aun

Page 36

HIGHEST %%. HONOURS Hea SAO | Diplomas, Gold Medals, AWA TLE GO At all the Great Exhibitions | Special Certificates of Merit of Ve mie f of the World. | — 9 SOAP MAKERS By Special Appointment HER MAJESTY The Queen. HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE Prince « Wales. | Fates Os Sener Sr uks Vscncd is Whinsaicee ia tas EAG'ob Lee Soe nad pened op Maat as, Hows asoots in toe Fash at Ue Batley cay of London: —Sasvans, Say ast

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The HALF-YEARLY Volume of ‘“PUNCH,” containing the Nos, from > ‘? u NC#H January to dune, 1894, is now ready, in brown cloth, gilt edges, price 88. 6d. COMPLETE a HALF-YEARLY—106 Volumes, to dune 30th, 1894, price 88. 6d. each.

VOLUMES YEARLY—53 Volumes, to December 31st, 1893, price £30 12s. 6d. SETS DOUBLE-YEARL roe — to December 31st, 1892, Half-bound, £27 13s.

Cover, or Wrap Dh =. SN G a i) i, Wy Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings. VOLUME CVII. ed > aT a oc 2 K a Ww > \- Ww a W = o 4 a = a JULY ai, a Tr TV eLALTY — CC be VOL LL PTT: aa Tse. es MAN EON SS» tif PRICE THREE PENCE. — le i vie i | SS ‘ a4 C 2 " ~ ‘ ; ig “s DN Sa OYA NNR, | not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, \ iI! : (VR, Sy a 6 vie. , Ki. Leow (Ses iy . A ; MT ae SHY «PUNCH OFFICE, 85, “FLEET STREET, LONDON. ~DRAPER'S. INK = THE BEST BLACK INK KNOWN! oe Ld

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Joty 21, 1894 COLEMAN'S WINGARNIS, on LIEBIG’S EXTRACT OF MEAT AND MALT WINE. Highest Award at the Chicago Exhibition. * in Bottles, 2s. 91 ani 4s. 64, ul Men Geld Ererywhere, Over 2000 testimonia s received « Med BOLE MANUPFACTUKERS COLEMAN & Co., Ltd., Norwich and Lor ,don. TO SSSR ES. CHOCOLAT | MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daity Consumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. jt hj DINDICUL, : a AN ‘ oT dAK, i] gaqe flevour ond « soisseure etter than Havannahs " ELD, ‘ 7 + (two sizes ups, BEWLAY, mdon. Ket. i7e0 sb & Ip Pr . PREC Ia > gz @ perrumEs % SWEET SCENTS From every flower that breathes a fragrance a ae ges GIFTS oR %, 6 nine of ae Vs nd Srre® SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOGL OUTFITS. Messrs. SAMUEL BKOTHERS - fully invite an inspection of their Showrooms by Parents and Guardians who are desirous of Out Sting their any of the Pu or Private Col- leges, Schools, &c. requirements of Youths and HKoys have for very aged the GENTLEMEN $ ‘wits. Imitations e Natare. | CHAS. BOND & SON, owe > ’ hb STRERT, iapec 0 for Ladies “4 Wi ion and som ip ttes Send for I ate Catalogue Sy urest and Cheapest Table Water. SPARELING PURALIS Absolutely Pure Distilled Water super- Gharged with pure Acid Gas. Delivered free in London and suburbs. Case of 12 quarta, 2s. 67.; of 24 pints, 3s. The Lancet No purer or more trust- worthy beverage could be producel.” Te de had through Trade Agozts, or direst from THE PURE WATER CO., LTD., Queen’s Road, Battersea Park, | London, 8.W. Carbonk Case says Mess ae BROTHERS *gith the result that this ian ant Department of their business has attained very large dimensions ; so that every want in Suits, Overcoats, Redery. 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NRE | RE RR LIEBIG COMPANY'S E Signature asabove) in Blu« Ink serom the Tabel on each Jar of the| | Genume Extract. | “The milk in the cocoa-nut” puzzled the sage, But that problem must take a back seat, For Clarnico’s Caramels—now al! the rage— Are the Créme de la Créme of a treat. SOLE MAK KERS Clarke, Nickolls & Coombs, Lid. TAMAR FOLD BY ALL | A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE To TAKE. INDIEN GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, 8.E. CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS DIAMOND ORNAMENTS. The Choicest Quality in the World. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: [12, REGENT STW. (Anson ine oe de pecoric Companr.) THE SMALL HINDOO PEN. (JUST OUT.) With oblique point, in three grades, 1, 2, and 3, to fit ordinary Penholder “The Hindoo Pen is inestimable.""— Newry Reporter €4. and is. per Box, at all Stationers tample Hox of all kinds, Is. 1d. by Post. MACNIVEN & CAMERON, Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. TPenmakers to Her Majesty's Government Offices. 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eid ad Seb "e038 > Fetaee, rE

Jury 21, 1894.) A RIVERSIDE LAMENT, In my garden, where the rose By the hundred gaily blows, And the river freshly flows Close to me, I can spend the summer day Ina ge idyllic way ; Simply charming, you would say, Could you see. I am far from stuffy to Where the soots na = And the air seems — being brown— Close to me, I am far from rushing train ; Bradshaw does not my x brain, ‘en aiil or, comparativ: i ABC, icin: To my punt I can repair, If the weather ’s fairly fair, Butone grievance! have there; Close to me, As I sit and idly dream, Clammy co ever seem Floating down the placid stream To the sea. Though the boats that crowd the lock— Such an animated block !— B gay damsels, quite a oc < Close to me, Yet I heed not tasty togs, When, as motionless as |]; Float defunct and dismal 8, ogs There aussi.

Orlando, ‘‘ Tinen, Rosatinp ?” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 25

es

THE ’ARDEN-ING PROCESS. Rosalind, ‘‘ PNEUMATICALLY.” | Asin t at a feast, | With oak pate comes at least One sad corpse, departed beast, a ‘ose to me ; Till a Canon might go off, Tilla Dean might swear or scoff, Or a Bishop—tip-top toff In a see, Floating to me from above, If it stick, with gentle shove, Tomy neighbour, whom I love, » aaifinns - to me, ‘ each gruesome guest. Should I drag it out to rest In my garden ? No, I’m blest! Non, merci! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. “For a modest dish of camp-pie, suited to barracks and youth wilitant, commend me,” guoth one of the Baron's Baronites, ‘‘to Only a Drummer - Boy, a maiden effort, and unpretentious, like its author, who calls himself |ArnTHuR AmyAnp, but is really Captain ARTuUUR | Drummer Hacgoarp, He has | the rare advantage, missed by | most people who write soldier novels, of knowing what he is ‘talking about, If there are \ | faults ‘to pardon in the draw- | ing’s lines,’ they are faults of techniqueand not of anatomy.”’ “The Court is with you,” | quoth the Baron px B.-W.

Hore Nore.—The chef at every Gordon Hotel ought to be a ** Gordon Bleu,”

THE VOLUNTEER’S VADE MECUM. (Bisley Edition.) _ Question, What is the ambition of every | ight 7 P | A, Because over a tunic would appear a And here and there you really get a player : pouch-belt fancy | The exits rather than the entrances | Are regulated by the County Council ; | And one man in a season sees a lot an Answer. To become an ex marksman. | - Q: How is this to be done A. By practice at the regimental butts | (where such accommodation exists), and ap- peering at Bisley. | Q. Is the new site of the National Rifle | Association better than the last ? _ A. Certainly, for those who come to Bisley | intend to shoot. Q. But did any one turn up at Wimbledon for anv ag ap other than marksmanship ? A, Yes, for many of those who oceupied the tents used their marquees merely as a suitable resting-place for light refreshments. Q. Is there anything of that kind at Bisley? A. Not much, as the nearest place of inte- rest is a crematorium, and the most beautiful grounds in the neighbourhood belong to a cemetery. a Then the business of Bisley is shoot- P A. Distinctly. Without the rifle, the place would be as melancholy as its companion | spot, Woking. Q. In this place of useful work, what is | the first object of the marksman ? A. To score heavily, if possible; buat, at Q. Is it to appear in uniform ? A, That depends ny A regulations | comm e e competitions. @. Whatisuntorm? A. As much or as little of the dress of a corps that a judge will order a marksman to

straw hat, and under a tweed trousers, to improve themselves they will practise Q. If some marksmen were paraded with their own corps, how would they look ? A, They would appear to be a sorry sight. | Q. Why would they appear to be a sorry | Q. But surely if the Volunteers are anxious | ** smartness” ? A, But they do not want to promote smart ness; they wan’, to win cups, or the value of ys cups. Q. What is the greatest reward that a marksman can obtain ? A, Some hundreds of pounds. Q. And the smallest ? A. A dozen of somebody's champagne, or a box of someone else’s soap. Q. Under all the circumstances of the case, AS WE LIKE IT. (JAQUES resumes. ) ALt the world’s upon the stage, Seven plays a week, including matinées, And several actsin each. And first the infant, . | A vernal blossom of the Garrick Caste, ing the super in bis bassinet, _ innocently causing some chagrin To Mr. Eccies, Then there’s Archibald, New Boy, and nearly father to the man, With mourning on his face and kicks behind, Returning under strong connubial stress Unwillingly to school. Sighing like ALeExanper for fresh fields, And plunging wofally to win a kiss, And next the lover, Even to his very eyebrows. Then the soldier, i sisley ? ; , What wouks bean appropriate rule for Bisioy Armed with strange maxims and a carpet-bag, A. Look after the cup-winning, and every- Cod thing else will take care of itself.

LATEST PARLIAMENTARY BETTING. GENERAL Exvection STaKkes. 2 to 1 on Rosebery and Ladas (coupled). 25 to 1 agst Harcourt’s Resignation. 50to 1 — Nonconformist Conscience. 70 to1 — Budget Bill (off—75 to 1 taken). 100 tol — Ministerial Programme. For Praces (Next Session Stakes). 2 to 1 on Asquith for the Leadership. 12 to 1 agst the Labouchere Peerage. New Premrersure Sectrne Stakes. 12 to 1 on Gladstone Redivivus., 200 to 1 agst any other.

‘ock-Shaw in military ironies, And blowing off the bubbling repartee [sfuf, Withchocolateimhis mouth. And next is /u/ In fair round belly with good bolsters Jined, Full of wide sores, and badly cut about By Windsor hussies,— modern instances Of the revolting woman. Sixthly, Charley's Aunt, Now ancient as the earth, and shifting still The Penley pantaloons for ladies’ gear, Her fine heroic waist a world too wide For the slim corset, and her manly lips, Tuned to the treble of a maiden’: pi pe Grasping a big cigar. Last scene of all, The season’s close and mere oblivion ; Away to Europe and the provinces ; And London left forlorn without them all, Sans-Géne, Santuzza, yea, sans everything.

VOL, CVII, D

Page 40

ly \\ , ' \i \ ul | se \\\ WY » A e AG mi Y be se ° su We A LY: Foil 4 aw v2 = | ’ ann 4 : \) Ai .,. ie . British Farmer (“‘ playing a game of mixed chance and skill with Nature”). “1 po BELIEVE wy LUCK’s ON THE TURN !”

ae Nee HH ~*~ H =“ =~,

Page 41

Jory 21, 1894.| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “A GOOD TIME COMING!” ¥ fi (And it #48 been a good time coming.) " age |‘ The game of mixed ehance and skill which the farmer plays each ih : ; {| year with Nature is still undecided ; but, if the farmer wins, his win- nings will be large indeed.”— The “ Times” on Farming Prospects. } British Farmer, log. :— Biess my old bones !—they’re wi , wherefore I uy a banee ey eary ones, W ore I takes For the first time for many a year mine /ooks a winning game! A an ie ? Blissful thought! For long l’ve been air stuck, But now I really hope I see a change in my bad luck. at True, my opponent is a chap ’tis doosed hard to match. yer I seed a pices once of one a playing ’gai Old Scratch, ian Ay And oftentimes I feels like that, a-sticking all together, Nee ainst that demon-dicer whom we know as British Weather! Z- pit t use of ploughs and patience, boys, or skill, and seed, and si ’Gainst pha Ng, rain, and blighted grain, and all that’s foul ckle? When the fly is on the turmuts, and the blight is on the barley, i And meadows show like sodden swamps, a farmer do get Wa he A A | a anneley. oitatieail : OTe i : ye (1 ut now the crops from hay show promising enty, | A-doubling last year’s average, plus a extry ten or went ” . And straw is good, uncommon so, and barley, wheat and oats, Sir, Make a rare show o'er whose rich glow the long-tried farmer gloats, Sir! Beans ain’t so bad, spite o’ May frosts ; turnips and swedes look top ; Though the t and fly the mangolds try, and the taters won't w ing. Those poor unlucky taters! If there’s any mischief going, They cop their share, and how they ’Il fare this year there ain’t no g; And peas is good, and hops is bad, or baddish. But, by jingo! The sight o’ the hay as | saw to-day is as good as a glass of Stccrstion ror A Rarny Day. SpmLiikins on A GRranp SCALE. stingo. Thouph than as depend on tals dove-ovep Gill basin iio clans, | gz em as on r clover-crop 1n © , y But take ’em all, the big and small, the cereals, roots, oe grasses, W HAT WE MAY EXPECT SOON. There’s a lump o’ cheer for the farmers’ hearts, and the farmers’ _2y Our Own Wire.—Dispute broken out between local employer wives and lasses ; | of labour—Shoemaker with two apprentices—and his hands. One ae aly yt I’m playing cole —-well, priege Dabes node | apprentice won’t work with t’ other. Shoemaker locked out both. he isn’t Jemmy Squareroor though, he e luck o’ the divil. | ater News.—Dispute developing. Amalgamated Association of With = rain and storm and_cold and hot, and his -_s insect Tondo Ustens ont Sy thousand men with rifles into town. Also Orrors, } morrers. | park of artillery. tration suggested. He has the pull, and our ht to-days may be spiled black : . s : A cove like tim with looks a and flies, ros such phili pd Special Telegram.—¥ eye ae of aanomsarns Moses Is no fair foe for farmer chaps as is mortial men and Christians. Place and Lemp A streets with Ga guns. Uxpresses t Look at him damply glowering there with a eye like a hungry Willing to accept tration in principle, ! | A Day After.—Conflicts to-day between opposing forces. Streets With his blights at hand, and his floods to command, he’s the scourge resemble battle-field. Authorities announce—" will shortly act with of Agriculture. (turning, | vigour.” Enrolled ten extra policemen. Police, including extra ten, But howsomever, although he’s clever, luck’s all, and mine seems | captured by rioters, and locked ir their own cells, Business— Oh! for a few more fair fine weeks, not swamped, nor yet too burning, except of undertakers—at standst When the sun shines sweet on the slanting wheat, with the bees Zutest Develupments.—More conflicts, deaths, outrages, incen- through the clover humming, diarism. Central G t telegraphs to Shoemaker to take back And us farmer chaps with a cheery heart will sing “* There’s a good both on rentices to taep densioene disorder, No — +9 Shoemaker time coming |” and both apprentices been killed in riots, | Close of the Struggle.—Stock of guameeter exhausted. Both A MODERN MADAME. | sides inclined to acvept compromise. of Conciliation formed. Survivors of employers and employed shake hands, Town irretriev- ably ruined, but peace firmly re-established. (According to the New School of Teachers.) SHE besloves — nothing but herself, and never accepts her — y seriously. She has aspirations after the impossible, and is herself farfrom| Wuuar! Atreapy!—‘‘ I’m afraid,” said Mrs. R., ‘‘ that the new probable; she regards her husband as an unnecessary evil, and her| Tower Bridge is in a bad way. I hear it said, of course I do not children as disturbances without compensating advantages. _ | know with what truth, that it has ‘bascules.’ Now weren’t they the She writes more than she reads and seldom scribbles anything. insects that destroyed the crepe one year and gave so many persons She has no feelings, and yet has a yearning after the intense. | the influenza? I think you’ll find I’m right.’ —e =. antithesis of her grandmother, me pe made further aon in generations to come quite im eC. | Epionammatic Description, BY A Bii.iaRD PLAYER, OF THE a. hinks a ry “eran at a male, and yet has lost the mnaeenees oF THE CHIEF MINSTREL 70 os rae RUCIPIENT OF A prehension a female. > » . STED anil? ? To sum up, she is hardly up to the standard of a man, and yet has Pai AT TEE Recent Es “om a sunk several fathoms below the level of a woman. | AccrpENTs In ovr roTTEewEest Rotrex Row.—The sooner the cause (i.e. Rotten Row itself) of the numerous complaints is we// Mem. at Lorp’s purtmnc tHe Eron anv Haxnow, Fauay, grounded, the better for the equestrians. Jury 13. (Jt rained the better part, which became the worse part, of te cov.) much use trying to do anything with any ‘* match” in the w National Reriecrion (svccestep py Recent Yacut-Race .—It | is of small use Burrawnia being Brrranwi unless she be also V t.

Page 42

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 21, 1894.

LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART I1.—THE TWO ANDROMEDAS. Scene I1].—Opposite a Railway Bookstall at a London Terminus. Time —Saturday, 4.25 P.M. Drysdale (to his friend, Gatrnrip UNDERSHELL. whom he is * secing off”). Twenty minutes to spare ; time enough to lay in any quantity of light literature. Undershell (in a head rorce I fear the merely ephemeral does not uppeal to me. But I should like to make a little experiment. (Zo the Bookstall Clerk.) A—do you happen to have a copy left of CLanion Bratr’s Andromeda / Clerk. Not in stock, Sir. Never ’eard of the book, but daresay I could get it for you. Here’s a Detective Story we ’re sellin’ like it cakes—The Man with the Missing Toe—very cleverly written tory, Sir. I'nd. 1 merely wished to know—that was all. (Turning with resigned disgust to Dryspae.) Just think of it, my dear fellow. Ata hookstall like this one feels the pulse, it were, of Contemporary Culture ; ind here my Andromeda, which no less an authority than the Daily Chronicle hailed as the uprising of a 1ew and splendid era in English Song- making, a Poetic Renascence, my poor indromeda is trampled underfoot by choking)—Men with Missing Toes! W hat a satire on our so-called Progress! Drys. That a purblind public should prefer a Shilling Shocker for railway reading when for a modest half-guinea thev might obtain a numbered volume of Coming Poetry on hand-made paper ! It doves seem incredible,—but they do. Well, if they can’t read Andromeda on the journey, they can at least peruse a stinger on it in this week’s Saturday. Seen itr Und. No. I don't vex my soul by reading criticisms on my work. I am no Keats. They may howl—but they will not kill me. By the way, the Speaker had a most enthusiastic notice last week. Drys. 80 you saw that then? But you ’re right not to mind the others. | When a fellow’s contrived to hang | on to the Chariot of Fame, he can’t | wonder if a few rude and envious beggars call out ‘‘ Whip behind!” eh? You don’t want to get in yet? Sup- pose we take a turn up to the end of the platform. [ They do. James Sporrett, M.R.C.V.8., enters with his friend, Tuomas TANRAKE, of Hurpe.t anp TAnraker, Job and Riding Masters, Mayfair. Spurrell. Yes, it’s hac ky for me old Spavin being laid up like this—gives me a regular little outing, do you see ? going down to a swell place like this is eal Up Wild “ Here ’s a detective story we ’re sellin’ like ’ot cakes. The Countess of Cantire enters with her daughter, Lady Maisre Mott. Lady Cantire (to Fevturen). Get a compartment for us, and two foot-warmers, and a second-class as near ours as you can for Puitirpson; then come back here. Stay, I’d better give = Purtirpson’s ticket. (The Footman disappears in the crowd.) Now we must get something to read on the journéy. (7o Clerk.) I want a book of some sort—no rubbish, mind; something serious and improving, and not a work of fiction. Clerk. Exactly so, Ma’am. Let me see. Ah, here’s Alone with the’ Airy Ainoo, How would you like that ? Lady Cant. (with decision), 1 should not like it at all. Clerk. 1 quite understand. Well, I can give you Three’ Undred Ways of Dressing the Cold Mutton—useful little book for a family, red to one and ninepence. Lady Cant, Thank you. I think I will wait until I am reduced to one and ninepence. Clerk, Precisely. What do you say to Seren ’Undred Side- splitters for Sixpence? ’Ighly yumorous, I assure you. I.2dy Cant. Are these times to split our sides, with so many serious social problems pressing for solution? You are presumably not without intelligence; do you never reflect upon the responsibility you ineur in assisting to circulate trivial and frivolous trash of this sort ? Clerk (dubiously). Well, I can’t say as I do, particular, Ma’am. I’m paid to sell the books—I don’t select em Lady Cant, That is no excuse for you—you ought to exercise some dis- crimination on your own account, instead of pressing people to buy what can do them no possible good. You can give me a Society Snippets. Lady Maisie. Marama! A penny paper that says such rade things about the Royal Family ! Lady Cant. It’s always instructive to know what these creatures are say- ing about one, my dear, and it’s asto- nishing how they manage to find out the things they do. Ah. here’s Gra- VENER coming back. He’s got us a carriage, and we’d better get in. [She and her daughter enter a first- class compartment ; UNDERSHELL and DRYSDALE return, Drys. (to Uspersnert). Well, I don’t see now where the insolence comes in. These people have invited you to stay with them—— Und. But why ? Not because they appreciate my work—which they pro- bably only half understand—but out of mere idle curiosity to see what < manner of strange beast a Poet may as , be! And J don’t know this Lady CuLvEeRIN—-never met her in my life! What the deuce does she mean by sending me an invitation? Why ” should these smart women suppose that they are entitled to send for a fi \ se | \ Wyvern Court, and being put up there for a day or two! I shouldn't | Man of Genius, as if he was their lackey? Answer me that! wonder if they do you very well in the housekeeper’ s room. (To Clerk.) | occasionally condescends to answer the bell. Give me a Pink’ Un and last week’s Dog Fancier’s Guide. Cler). We’ve returned the unsold copies. Could give you this | , * simply —— them eek's ; or there’s The Rabbit and Poultry Breeder's Journal, Spur Oh, rabbits be blowed! (Zo Tanraxe.) I wanted you to) Drys. Perhaps the delusion is encouraged by the fact that Genius Und. (reddening). Do you imagine I am going down to this place , rys. 1 should think it a doubtful kindness, in your present frame see that notice they put in of Andromeda and me, with my photo|of mind; and, as you are hardly going to please yourself, wouldn't and all; it said she was the best bull-bitch they ’d seen for many a day, and fully deserved her first prize. Tunrake. She’s a rare good bitch, and no mistake. But what e you — Bae such an outlandish name ? Spurr. We " j it be more dignified, on the whole, not to go at all ? Und. You never did understand me! Sometimes I think I was born to be misunderstood! But you might do me the justice to | believe that I am not going from merely snobbish motives. May was going to eall her Sai; but a chap at the | I not feel that such a recognition as this is a tribute less to my poor College thought the other would look more stylish if I ever meant to | self than to Literature, and that, as such, I have searcely the right exhibit her. Andromeda was one of them Roman goddesses, you know. | to decline it ? Tanr. Oh, | knew that right enough. Come and have a drink | before you start—just for luck—not that you want that. Drys. Ah, if you put it in that way, I am silenced, of course. Und. Or what if I am going to show these Patricians that—Poet Spurr. 1’m_ lucky enough in most things, Tom; in everything | of the People as I am—they can neither patronise nor cajole me? except love. I told you about that girl, you know—EmMi—and my being as good as engaged to her, and then, all of a sudden, she | Drys. Exactly, old chap—what if you are ? Und. I don’t say that I may not have another reason—a—a rather went off abroad and I’ve never seen or had a line from her since. | romantic one—but you would only sneer if I told you! I know you Can't eall ‘hat luek, you know, Well, I won’t say no to a glass of | think me a poor creature whose head has been turned by an un- something. | They disappear into the Refreshment Room. ' deserved success. <a oe et ie oe ot et OD tO mA mW S'S’? a a! eh Ss - a a Oo ae beet

pe

ea

Page 43

Jury 21, 1894.)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Drys. You’re not going to try to pick a quarrel with an old chum, are you? Come, you know well enough I don’t think anything of the sort. I’ve always said you had the right stuff in you, and would show it some day ; there are even signs of it in Andromeda here and there ; but you'll do better things that, if you’ll only Jet some of the wind out of your head. I like you, old fellow, and that’s just why it riles me to see you yourself so devilish serious on the strength of a little volume of verse which has been ‘* boomed” | fo all it’s worth, and considerably more. You’ve only got your | immortality on a short repairing lease at present, old boy ! Und. (with bitterness). I am fortunate in possessing such a candid friend. But I mustn’t keep you here any longer. Drys. Very well. I suppose you’re going first? Consider the feelings of the CuLveRrIN footman at the other end! | Und. (as he fingers a first-class ticket in his pocket). You have a very low view of human nature! (Here he remarks a remarkably | pretty face at a second-class window close by.) As it happens, I am | travelling second. He ts in, Drys. (at the window), Well, good-bye, old chap. Good luck to you at Wyvern, and remember—wear your livery with as gocd a grace as — Und. 1 do not intend to wear any livery whatever. [The owner of the pretty face regards UNDERSHELL with interest. Spurr. (coming out of the Refreshment Room). What, second ? with all my exes. paid? Not dkely! I’m going to travel in style this journey. No—not a smoker; don’t want to create a bad impression, you know. This will do for me. [He - into a compartment occupied by Lady Cantire and her laughter. Tanr. (at the window), There—you’re off now. Pleasant journey to you, old man. Hope you’ll enjoy yourself atthis Wyvern Court you’re going to—and I say, don’t forget to send me that notice of Andromeda when you get back ! [ The Countess and Lady Matste start slightly ; the train mores out of the station.

THE LATEST GREAT YACHT RACE. (By our own Nautical Special.) Dear Srr,—The captain went on board the gallant mr pod Lass with his Wind Lass. A Wind Lass is short for ‘‘ Winn’d tog #7 a Lass he has won. ink her name is ‘* Pott.” The Captain says he is always true to her, and nothing will ever induce him to leave his dear Wind Lass ashore when he’s afloat. Noble sentiment, but unpractical. The fact is (as whispered) the Wind Lass is jealous of the Naughty Lass, and won't let the Captain Gp sone, When the other Captain went on board the rival of the gallant Naughty Lass, the Anne Nemone, and “ the crafty ones,”’ as they call the sailors ‘‘in the know,” were ready to bet any money on the Anne Nemone. Both cutters ‘‘cut’’ (hence the name) well away from each other at the start, and a fresh breeze coming up (the stale one had been got rid o there was a lot of fore- , until the Captain, who isan old han at this sort of thing, sent steward with brandy. ‘ All hands for Free !” was then the order of the day, and we just managed to clear uddie Point, leaving the home-marked (or ‘“‘ home-made,” I forget which is the technical term, but I suppose the latter, as she was built on the or premises) boat well to windward. Aftera free reach in this weather down to Boot Shore—where the vessel heeled over a bit, but nothing > of, as it was soon remedied by a cobble that was close at —the Naughty Lass lifted her head-sails, and away we went for Incog Bay, where nobody knew us, or we should have received with three times three. At this moment the Anne Nemone, racing close to us, let out a right good ‘‘ gybe,”’ which was in execrable taste, I admit, but which ought not to have called for any retort from the captain’s Wind Lass, who gave it her hot and strong, and threatened to haul her over the coal-scuttlers. Fortunately we were away again, and there was no time for opposite gybes. tr spell ‘‘ gybes”’ in the old English nautical fashion, but, as I ascertain, it is precisely the same as “‘ jibes.’’) Sailors’ language is a bit odd; they don’t mean anything, I know— it’s only professional ; still, as pega | the matter to ears polite, I searcely like to set down im full ai/ I heard. At 1 P.m. all hands

were piped for luncheon, and we had spinnakers cooked in their skins (they are a sort of bean), with a rare nautical dish called ‘* Booms | and Bacon.” Fine! I did enjoy it! But then I’m an old hand at | this sort of thing,—luncheon on board, I mean ; for there’s scarcely | a board, be it sea board or other board, or, in fact, any boarding | establishment, that I don’t know. But ‘* yeo ho! my boys! and | avast!” for are we not still racing? We are!! We passed The Bottle at 2.30 pa. What had become of the} Anne Nemone | don’t know, and probably we should never have | seen her again had not our eaptain, who was trying to sight the ing The Bottle, stood on the wrong tack, which ran after ing te his as apd hurt him awfully. He was carried below, and we ga conel round him as he to the Naughty Iass and mur- |

| Burgee, masculine (and probably husband) of Burgess !

P Yi. GRASS SEER as -

own with SOANDSOS

7G

/ al “We poON y) , Ye AM G4 f Y Y a ~ Y 7, es : “Ne Ste GND PO CY «7A ‘ Or a2 ae ae =< —_ J 2

of oe ~~ Z 2 "ARRY AT BISLEY. "Arry (to’ Arrie). “On, I sy! Wat SEEDS THEM MUST BE TO Grow A LAmp-post!”

mured—but Po.ty objected that there was nothing to murmur about or to mble at, and that the sooner he stumbled on deck the better it would be for the race. So up rose our brave captain, tock a stiff draught of weather bilge (which is the best preventive of sea- sickness), and calling for his first mate, Mr. Jack Yarp Topsatt, told him to “‘stand away,” which I could quite understand, for Jack Yarp Topsat is a ilar salt, full of tar, rum, ’baccy, and every- thing that can make life sweet to him, but not to his immediate bo ot urs. So “stand away” and not “stand by” it was, and when we got to Squeams Bay the sailors took a short hitch (it is necessary occa- sionally—but I cannot say more—lady-readers soe peeeey, and we went streaking away like a side of bacon on a fine day. ** Are we winning?” asks Potty, the Wind Lass, ‘* You look winning!” I reply, politely. ‘* By how much?” she inquires, just tucking up her skirts, and showing a trim ankle. The Captain, with his Blass to his eye, and looking down, answers, ‘* The fifth of a long leg!” Inever saw a woman soangry! ‘I haven't!” she exclaimed ; and there would have been a row, and we should never have won, as we did splendidly, had not the ‘* First Officer” (just as they name the supernumeraries in a play) come up and reminded Pretty Porty that she wasn't the only mate the Captain on d. ‘* Where’s the other?” she cried, ina fury. “ Below!” answered the First Officer and down went Potty, not to re-appear again until all was over, an our victorious binnacle was waving y from the fore-top-gallant. At the finish we went clean into harbour, without a speck on our forecastle, or a stain on our character. I wire you the account of this great race, and am (Iule Brrrannta!) Yours, Every Ornek Tyco a Sarion!”’ P.S.—I am informed that after I left the vessel in fact it was next day—-a Burgee was run up at the mast h I suppose some sort of court-martial was held first, and that the Burgee (poor wretch !) was caught red-handed, Still, in these days, this sort of wroceeding does sound rather tyrannical. High-masted justice, «h ’ Well, sea-dogs will be sea-dogs. I don’t exactly know what a Burgee is, but I faney he is something between a Buccaneer and a gee; a sort of river-and-sea pirate. But I fear it is a ——— 1 so, there Youss as BEFORE THE Mast. will be a row!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 21, 1894. a ee ay saa). in 5 eta . WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. Mada riFUL TALENT—I8 HE YET OF zE Roya. Acapemy?” Our Artist's Wife (who witt speak French), ‘‘On wow, Mapame, HELAs |! Madame la Baronne (relapsing into her native language), ‘‘ OH—MADAME—QUELLE AFFREUSE NOUVELLE!” la Baronne (who wilt speak English). ‘‘ AND TELL ME, Mistress Browy, YouR CLEVARE 'USBAND, WiI0 ’AVE A 80 BEAU- SEULEMENT, IL EST PEVDU CETTE ANNEE, VOUS SAVEz!” A FRIEND IN NEED; Or, The Lawbreaker’s Last Refuge. Sure stranger irony life never saw Than Lawlessness low suppliant to the Law! | Guardian of Order soliloquiseth :— ‘Down with Everything!” Ah, yes! That ’s the sort o’ rot you jaw! You'd be in a tidy mess lf you'd downed with good old Law. Funniest job we have to do, Is to ** save” such scamps as you. a) “* Down with Everything! Spout on! I, who stand for Law, stand by. You may want me ere you ’ve done. Somethink in that workman’s eye, And the clenching of his fist, Ought to put you on the twist. Think you ’re fetching of ’em fine With your tommy-rotten patter ? Think you 've got ’em ina line, Or as near as doesn’t matter ? Won't you feel in a rare stew If they take to downing you ? Downing is a sort o’ game Two can play at Aere—thanks be! Spin your lead out! Don’t let shame, Common sense, or courtesy, Pat the gag on your red ° Flourish it~like your Red Fiag ! How they waggle, ing ond tongue ! Proud o’ that same bit of bunting ? See the glances on you flung ? Hear the British workman grunting ? He is none too fond, that chap, Of rank rot and the Red Cap! Perched upon a noodle’s nob, Minds me of an organ-monkey !— If a workman wi You denounce him as a ** flunkey.” Some of ’em know what that means. not rob, Mind your eye! They’ll give you beans! Ah! I thought so. Gone too fur! Set the British Workman booing. “* Dirty dog!!!” That riles you, Sir! Better mind what you are doing ! Mag saffron now, with fear. Round you glare! Yes, Law is here! Show your teeth, shark-like and yellow! You won't frighten them, or me. Ah! there comes the true mob-bellow ! a. —— ne gpg you = ob, when mettled, goes a squelcher For Thief, Anarchist or Welsher. ** Help! Perlice!!” Oh! that’s your cry ! I’m your friend, then,—at a pinch ? Funk first taste of Anarchy ? Law is better than—Judge Lynch ? Rummy this! For all his jaw The Lowheonbar flies to Law ! Good as a sensation novel For to see you crouching there. Can't these Red Flag heroes grovel ’ Come, my Trojan, have a care. Do not clasp Law's legs that way, Like Scum Govdman in the play. Help? Oh, yes; I’ll help you—out !— Stand back there, please! Pass along!” Come, get up! Now don’t you doubt **downing” dodge ain't wrong ? Anyhow ’tis, you'll agree, A MIDSUMMER DAY-DREAM. [The Jackson-Harmsworth Expedition hasstarted.] Pune * — The cheerful Sage has ear That Jackson is about to start. His sympathies are warmly stirred, He hath the Windward's weal at heart. He dreams: That block of dinner ice Stirs arctic fancies in his breast. He travels Pole-ward in a trice ; He joins the Jackson-Haumswortu quest, > > >. > . ** All precious things, discovered late ‘To those that seek them issue forth.’”’— To find her may be Jackson’s fate, That Sleeping Beauty of the North! She lieth in her icy cave As still as sleep, as white as death. Her look might stagger the most brave, And make the stoutest hold his breath. **The bodies and the bones of those That strove in other days to pass,” Are scattered o'er the spreading snows, Are bleached about that sea of glass. He gazes on the silent dead : ‘* They perished in their daring deeds.” The proverb flashes through his head, **The many fail: the one sacceeds,”’ * > > > Punch wakes: lo! it is but a dream— A vision of the Frozen Sea; Yet may be it may hold a gleam Of prophecy. 30 mote it be! To Jackson and to Harmsworta too He brims a well-earnt bumper. ‘‘Skoal!”’ Here ’s health to them and their brave crew! And safe return from well-won goal! Lucky for you—you ’ve not downed me / = ——-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 21, 1894.

WK \ } eks (OO , AN \\ 3 4, We ea.) Ni fs

EA WEA Mh, wn A \ . eS , ‘cA FRIEND IN NEED—” Anancuist, “’ELP! ’ELP! 'PER-LICE!!” Constante. ““‘ DOWN WITH EVERYTHING,’ INDEED! LUCKY FOR YOU YOU HAVEN'T ‘DOWN’D’ ME!!”

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Jury 21, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

33

THE MINX.—A POEM Poet. It’s 80 of to see IN PROSE. Poet (softly). They do. What was

good of you me. I merély wished to ask one or two questions asto your career. You must have led a most interesting life. Sphinx. You are very inquisitive and extremely indise and I have always carefully avoided being inter- viewed. However, go on. ‘ Poet. I believe you can read hiero- glyphs ? Sphinx. Oh yes; I can, fluently. But I never do. I assure you they are not in the least amusing. Poet. No doubt you have talked with hippogriffs basilisks ? Sphinz (modestly), 1 certainly was in rather a smart set atone time. As they say, I have‘ known betterdays.” Poet. Did you ever have any con- versation with Tuorn ? Sphinz (loftily). Oh, dear no! (Mimicking.) Thoth he wath not con- thidered quite a nice perthon. I would mine meng! im to be introduced to me. oet, You were very particular ? Sphinx, One tog be careful. [1 The world is so censorious. y Poet. I wonder, would you give me the pleasure of singing to me? Adrian’s Gilded Barge,” for instance ? Sphinx. You must really excuse me. I am not in good voice. By the war the “Gilded Barge,” as you it, was merely a shabby sort of punt. It would have had no effect whatever at the Henley Regatta. y Poet. Dear me! Is it true you played golf among the ids ? Sphinx (emphatically). Perfectly untrue. You see what absurd reports

7 vas ff =< ae —,

that story about the Tyrian ? Sphinz. Merely gossip. There was nothing in it, I assure you. Poet, And Aris? Sphinz. Oh, he sent me some flowers, there were paragraphs about it—in hieroglyphs—in the society papers. That was all, But | they were contradicted. vet, You knew Ammon very well, I believe ? Sphinz (frankly). Ammon and | were t pals. I used to see a good deal of him. He came in to tea very often— he was quite interesting. But I have not seen him for a long time. He had one fault—he would smoke in the drawing-room. And though I hope I am not too conven- tional, I really could not allow that. Poet. How pleased they would all be to see you again! Why do you not go over to Egypt for the winter ? Sphinz. The hotels at Cairo are so y expensive. Poet, Is it true you went tunny- fishing with Antony ? Sphinz. One must draw the line somewhere! CLEOPATRA Was 80 cross. She was horribly jealous, and not nearly so handsome as you might sup- pose, though she was Photographed asa‘ type of Eeyptian Beauty !”’ Poet, I must thank you very much for the courteous way in which you have r to my questions, And | now will you forgive me if I make an observation? In my opinion you are not a Sphinx at all. Sphinx (indignantly), What am I,

get about ! then ? Poet, A Minx.

THE LAY OF THE EXPLORER. I vsEp to think that if a man In any character could score a Distinetly leonine success, ’Twould be as a returned explorer. So, when by sixteen tigers tree’d, Or when mad elephants were charging, I joyed to say—*‘ On this, some day, My countrymen will be enlarging.” And when mosquitoes buzzed and bit (For ’tis their pleasing nature to), Or fevers floored me, still this dream Helped me to suffer and to do. I have returned! Whole dusky tribes [is!— I’ve wi right out—such labour sweet And with innumerable chiefs Arranged unconscionable treaties. What’s the result? I have become A butt for each humanitarian, Who call my exploits in the chase The work of a ‘‘ confessed barbarian.” And, worst of all, my rival, Jonxs, _ Who'd any trick that ’s low and mean dare, | Cries—‘‘ Equatorial jungles! Pish ! I don’t believe he’s ever been there!” So now I just “‘ explore” Herne Bay, | |

With trippers, niggers, nurses, babies: I've tried fur fame. I’ve gained it, too: I share it with the vanished Japez ! Nore axp Query.— At Aldershot the QUEEN expressed herself much pleased with the ‘‘tattoo” all round. “ [owonavs rT writes to inquire “‘ if ‘ tattoo-ing ’ is tes t done-in Indian ink or with gunpowder ? ” RULE, “ BRITANNIA.” (New Yachtical Version ) H.R.H. toe P——z or W Wuewn Vigilant, at Gouip's command, Came over here to sweep the main, This was the lay that thrilled the land, And Yankee Doodle loved the strain— Lick Britannia! the fleet Britannia lick! And Jonnny Butt may cut his stick.

8 sings :— But Vigilant, less fast than thee, Must in her turn before thee fall, Britannia, who hast kept the sea, The dread and envy of them ull. Win, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves (Though by the narrowest of shav: s.) Six races in succession show The Yankee yacht has met her match ; Though she was hailed, not long ago, The swiftest clipper of the batch. Rule, Britannia! Britannia rule waves! The most appropriate of staves! the I’m sorry poor Dunraven’s crack So prematurely has gone down ; But mine has kept the winning tack, And well upheld the isle’s renown. Rule, Britannia! &e. When JonaTuan thy match hath found, He ’ll to our coasts again repair. We ’ll have another friendly round, With manly hearts and a)! things fair. Rule, Britannia! Britannia rules the ves, Six sequent wins Buii’s honour saves!

TO ALTHEA IN THE STALLS, From the Orchestra as I was staring So wearily down at the hall, The programme I held hardly caring To turn, I was tired of it all! For I knew ’twas a futile endeavour With music my trouble to drown, And I’d made up my mind that you never, Ah, never, would come back to town! When suddenly, there I beheld you Yourself- the joyous amaze ! I wonder what instinct impelled you Your my dark eyes to upraise, That for one happy second’s communing Met mine that had waited so long And the wail of the violins tuning It turned to a jubilant song ! ’Mid organ-chords sombre and mellow There breaks out a ripple of glee, And the voice of the violoncello, ATH, is pleading for me! The music is beating and surging With joy no adagiv can drown, In ecstasy all things are merging— Because you have come back to town !

Tue Conran Dirricuity. — “* Japan de- clines to withdraw.”’—( Telegram, Thursday, July 12).—** Ah,” observed Miss Quoren, who is ever ready, ‘‘that reminds me of Brnon’s line in Mazeppa, quite applicable to the present situation * Again he urges on his mild Corea.’ ” New Work (by the Chicf Druid Minstre/ at the Enstedd fod, dedicated to their Royal High nesses).—'* How to be Harpy in Wales.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. (your 21, 1804 > . - . oe ; ws —— + Ar ‘ X - 4 4 . . / ‘HOW ’S THAT, UMPIRE?"!! g a © i 5 5 & A CRICKET MATCH.

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UMPINE |: (|! ' VW 8S 1A, 4& UNRIVAERL MALIN. | Jour 21, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 35 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House A Lords, Monday, July 9.—Ptayrarr's leonine coun- tenance habitually cheerful. ‘But never saw him looking so pleased as when we walked through St. en’s Chapel on way to Lords just now. ‘‘ From point of view of old House of Commons man the Lords are, I admit, a little unresponsive,” my Lord said. ‘* The chamber is, acoustically and otherwise, the sepulchre of speech. You remem margarine I delivered years ago in the Com- mons? Bless me, how delighted the House was to see the table covered with small white pots containing samples, with a bottle of best Dorset marga- rine hooked on to the Mace for greater con- venience of reference. Often I’ve enchained an audience with my object lessons. Up to present time that mo- nologue on margarine ranks as most suc- cessful, But I'll beat the record to-night, See that ?’’{ |(Here he slapped a something bulging out from his trouser pocket.) ** Guess what that is ? Thought you couldn't. It’s cultch, Know what cultch is ?” ~ . oe it’s e beginnin of know- ledge,” I oaid, draw- ing a bow, so to font. at aventure, ‘* Posi- tive cultch, compara- tive culture, eh t” PLAYFArR stared at ——” he said; ‘* but Suggested Statues for the Vacant Niches iu the no, that’s part of the Inner Lobby. No. I.—“ The Majesty of the Law!” vg petapes smn AC) House not in condition particularly inspiring for lecturer. Benches mostly empty ; Sran ey of Alderley completed depletion by rambling h of half an hour’s duration, m a described in ers as ‘a question.” Wanted to know how many lighthouses in England and Wales paid Income Tax ; how many were behindhand with their rates ; were Death Duties applicable to some of them; if 80, which ; and whether the tenants compounded for rates or other- wise, These inquiries not without interest, but Stawiey not chiefly remarkable for concentration of thought or conciseness of phrase. At length Prayrare’s turn came. A flutter of interest amongst Peers as he was observed tugging at something in trousers pocket ; hauled out what looked like empty oyster shell. 9 said HerscHEtt, smiling, “I see the lawyers have been ore us,” ‘In moving the Second Reading of the Sea Fisheries (Shell Fish) Bill, I propose, if I may be permitted, to give your Lordships an object This particular shell,” | rr continued, holding it up between finger and thumb, “‘is covered all over with mic ic oysters. Oysters in all stages of growth are seen there.” Well,” said the Marquis or Caranas, “if one had a twenty billion pagulty glass of the kind associated with the memory of Sam Weller, perhaps we might see the oysters. All I can say is, I don’t see any w three and sixpence a dozen. PLAYvarR’s no business to these things down here, filling House with smell of stale seaweed when his ers are no bigger than a pin’s head.” The Marquis strode ily forth, Others followed. TV ectabe cut Business done.—Sea Fisheries (Shell Fish) Bill read a second time, unexpectedly depressing circumstances. F a of Comenens,, Sresteas Garten oF Pigerese hacks, sther Q 8 rustication. Brings glowing news of the ha ; looks, indeed, as if he had been hel ip eae 17 radia then o cherry ; indescribable but ble country air about him as he sits on Treasury Bench with folded arms, listening to the mo- | notonous ripple of talk renewed on Budget Bill, “ Rusticus expectat dum defluat amnis,”’ says Prince Artuvr, looking across at the rustic Squire. * At ille Labitur et labetur in omne volubilis evum,” jadded Joxrm, with approving glance at bench behind, where the Busy B.’s swarm after week’s rest, humming round amendments ber | with increased vigour. the little lecture on | Almost imperceptible movement of river goes forward. The blameless Barriey on his feet, entrancing House wile penticuiare of a silver cup, prized heirloom in the humble hou in Victoria Street, It seems that one of BaARTLEY’s ancestors—he who came over with the Conqueror—-had ht with him certain blades of buck- wheat, which he industriously planted out on the site, then a meadow, on which the Army and Navy Stores now flourish. The buckwheat grew apace. (One day King Srerwen, ing by on a palfrey, noted the waving green expanse. Enquiring to whom the State was indebted for this fair prospect, a courtier informed him that it was “the ancestor of Grorcz CuristopHEer Trout Barrier, Member for North Islington in the thirteenth Parliament of Queen Vicrorra.”’ ** By our sooth,” said the King, ** he shall have a silver cup.” One was forthwith requisitioned from the nearest silversmith’s, and this it is which now adorns the sideboard in the best parlour at St. Margaret's House, Victoria Street, 8. W. These interesting reminiscences of family history Groncr Curis- TOPHER Trout recited toa ouse in support of proposed new Clause, moved by Dick Wensrer, exempting from estate duty heirlooms under settlement. SqurkE oF MaLwoop, usually imper- vious to argument in favour of alterations in his prized Budget, evidently moved. If Bartiey had only thought of bringing the cup with him, had at this moment prod: it from under his cloak, and flashed it forth on gaze of House, the Clause would have been added, and the cup, Estate-duty free, would have on through the aves, telling its simple story to successive strata of the Bartiey family, As it was, Squire stood firm, and Wenstrer’s Clause negatived. ** Couldn’t do it, my dear Wensrer,” the Squire found eqpertanity of saying, as he met ha legislator behind SreaKken’s Chair. *‘Of course I said the polite thing about Bartiey’s Cup. But I wasn’t thinking of that, I know very well what you had in My AS An Interesting Specimen, The Coleridge Caterpillar ! mind in bringing in this Clause. The heirlooms you thought of are those cups and medals you won for Cambri when, twenty-nine years ago, you met the Oxford Champion in the two-mile race, and }in the one-mile spin. If we could do something in the Schedules vy exempting them I should be glad, Think it over, and see me later.” Wensster wrung the Squrre’s hand, and passed on, saying nothing. There are moments when ane is superfluous, "Tie true, they | don’t often occur in House of Commons; but here was one. Let us | cherish its memory.

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36 Business done.—Considering etd nega- tiving new Clauses to Budget Bill. Thursday.—All the cheerfulness of to-day | has brightened Committee-room, where ques- tion of issae of Writ, following on appli- cation for Chiltern Handreds, is considered. The Sevrre under examination for nearly two hours and a-half. Difficult to say whic the more enjoyed it, the witness or the Com- | mittee. ** What is the state of a Peer pending issue of Writ of Sammons?” ed the Sevres, suddenly taking to interrogate the Com- mittee —— to mom —_ “Tshe a) ca illar sing through a larva, spinning | a ne of silk until yh a condition where they toil not neither do they spin?” | (Here, quite by accident, his glance fell upon Josern, supposed to be sitting upon him in judicial capacity.) ‘‘ There is,” he continued (and here he glanced at Prince ARTHUR, | smiling at the } hit dealt at his dear frien Jo) “an opening for philosophic doubt as to the precise condition of this impounded Peer in his intermediary state.” The House still going about with millstone of Budget Bill round its neck, Brawe, Burewer, Beacu, Bowres and Barrier tugging at it, Kenyvon-Sianey now and then | uttering obvious truths with air of super-| natural wisdom. Granwp Youne GARDNER (address Board of Agriculture, Whitehall | Place, 8.W.) hands me scrap of paper; says | he found it near Squrre’s seat on Bench ; but it doesn’t look like his writing : “Two modes there are, O Brnwe snd Burcuer, Our gratitude to earn : If Bynwe would only burn up Butcuer, Or Burcuer butcher Byxye;: Or both combine—} To burn and butcher Tommy Bow es ! yes, bless their souls— Business done.—V ery little. Friday.—Tesrie going about much as if on Tuesday night he had got out of his cab in the ordinary fashion. He didn’t, you know. Taken out in sections through the upper window by couple of stalwart police- men. This owing to circumstance that Irish cab - driver having, after fashion of his country, saved a trot for the avenue, dashed | up against kerbstone and overturned cab. “Gave me a start, of course,” TEMPLE | said, as we brushed him down. “Not a| convenient way of getting out of your) hansom. What | was afraid of was bei distigured. Am not a vain man, but don’t mind telling you, Tony, a scratch or @ scar on one’s face would have been exceedingly annoying. But I’m all right, as you see. | Hope it isn't a portent. A small thing that under this Government I should be over- turned. What I fear is, that unless we | keep our eye on them they’ll overturn the Empire.” Business done.—Not yet done with Budget. FasmionasL_e InPoRMATION AXD Sveers- Tion.—The Dake and Duchess of Beprorp having returned from Thorney will go to Beds;—a delightful change, that is unless they are rose-beds, which are proverbially thorny. And “the Duchess of RoxsurcHe goes to Floors.” No Beds here; only Floors. Why not combine the two establishments and get them both under one roof ! “* NIMIL tetigit non ornavit,” as the prizefighter said of his right fist, after black- ing his opponent's eye and breaking the bridge of his hose, “Tue Knights of Labour” seem to be banded together against “* Days of Work.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Juuy 21, 1894, CRUEL! Lucullus Brown (on hospitable purpose intent), “ Ang you DINING ANYWHERE TO-MORROW wicut?” Jones (not liking to absolutely I’« wor Dintne ANYWHERE TO-MORROW.” Lncullus Browa (seeing through the artifice . WILL Be!” ‘give himself away”), ‘Let me see”—(considers)—“‘ No; “Um! Poor cuar! How Hunery yor [‘* Exewnt,—several/y.” THE ROYAL WELSH BARD. [The Prince of Wa.Es was initiated as a Bard the other day at the Carnarvon Eisteddfod.) Tue Minstrel-Prince to his Wales has gone, In the ranks of the Bards you'll find him ; His bardiec eloak he has girded on, And his tame harp slung behind him. “* Land of Song! ”’ said the Royal Bard, “You remarkably rum-spelt land, you, One Prince at try very har To pronounce you, and understand you.” The Prince tried hard, but the songs he heard Very soon brought his proud soul under, With twenty consonants packed in a word, no vowels to keep them asunder! So he said to the Druid, ‘‘ A word with you, Your jaw must be hard as nails, Sir; _ Your songs may do for the bold Cymru ihe ve done for the Prince of Waxxs, GOOD WISHES. (To Mr. and Mrs. J. M. Barrie on their Marriage, July 9, 1894.) ‘** Wuew authors venture on a play, They have been known to find them un- done, But Mr. Bargre found the way To great success in Walker, London, A — Toorg he’d close at hand, And those who know her merry glance "Il Not find it hard to understand How much was due to Mary ANSELL. Her acting in the House-boat Scene Led Mr. Barrie to discover He'd lost his heart (although he’d been Of Lady Nicorrye a lover). And those who felt sweet Nanwy’s charm, Or who in Thrums delight to tarry, Long happy life, quite free from harm, ill wish this new-formed firm of Barrie.

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OMARIVAHL=Just $1, 1004. THERE 18 NOTHING NEW UNDER THE: BUTI! rh, [SRW THE ELEPHANT A NEW USE|@).-4 we nus FOR AN OLD AND yA Sea UNIVERSAL SANITARY REMEDY. | See | LIKE A MAN. Tie Prompt Mother of Useful Knowledge NECESSITY; Its best use WISDOM! | “T have just received a letter from a friend (a Military Chaplain) in India, who relates the following anecilote, A po ice officer and some frien were out tiger shooting in the Jungle (at Bareilly, N.W.P;:) with several elephants. One elephant was taken seriously ill, and they did not know what give it or what to do with it. A young officer said fz Always tovkk ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ when he felt bad, and it always did him go d. ‘ Well,’ th said, ‘bave you gotany?’ ‘Yes. I have a new bot'lé.’ * Well, feteti it.) So the ENO'’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ was brought, and after a consultation it w decided to give the elephant adose, S80 they emptied the whole botile into a pail of water and stirred it up, and the elephant tossed it off like a man, an was soon after all right again. “I have myself derived great benefit from ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ and feeling sure the above Will interest you,—I remain, Dear Sir, your faithfully, JUNGLE.—BLACKHEATH, July, 1894.” D24¥ine AN OVERDRAFT ON THE BANK OF LIFB.—Extitément, feverish colds, chills, fevéts, blood poisons, throat irritation, et: late hours, fagged, unnatural excitement, breathing impure Air, too rich food, alcoholic drink, ty, rheumatic, and other blood poisons, influenza, sleeplessness, biliousness, sick headache, skin eruptions, pimplés on the facé, want appetite, sourness of stomach, eto. Usi ENO’S “FRUIT SALT.” It prevents diarrhwa, and removes it in the early Stages. It is pleasant, cooling, health-giving, refreshing and invig rating. The value of ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” cannot be told. its suecess ih Europe, Asia, Afriea, America, and Australia proves it. CAUTION.—Examine each Bottle, and see that 1 the Capsule is marked ENO’S mat t Sane i ? Without it you have been tmpowed on | worthless and occasionally poisonous im Preparéd only at ENO’S “FRUIT SALT’ WORKS, LONDON, 8.E., J. 0. BNO’S PATENT. — . REAL OfRMAy TOSSED IT OFF GOL DE NN ALNE | SMOKE THE CELEBRATED | pore gr: DIANE RD | FAzcn ears: _ PIONEER” jae ti a 10.052 HOOPING COUGH, BRILL’S rit SWEETENED TOBAOOD, | | CRI ig) ‘en The celebrated effectual Cure Without interne ee ee, KODAK “2 Sage casts’ SALT. | = Cameras, pes cra a MANUPACTURED BY TH wallet hand or t ee | Whilst em ying the mos‘ advanced ideas camera construction, are the simplest bia oon Es RICHMOND CAVENDISH Te En Go. Lo, From 1 to 100 pictures can be ake without recharge. AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL, Strongly recommended by travellers in all parts of the globe. And retailed by all first-class Prices trom £1: 6: 6 to 493: 1: 6, tobacoonists at hotme and abroad. Mlustrated Catalogue free on application. VV b Ne K Y Manufactured solety by EASTMAN Photographic Matertats Co. Ltd., WRIGHT S... eee JOHN Bi BRINSMEAD & SONS’ COAL een nd 22, Wiasee Sracet, Lom pom, mW‘) Seem TIDMAN'S SEA SALT. catTION. BEDFORD ~ SOAP SHES Sse |BALING PRESSES

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | CAN BE OBTAINED WITH AOS AND GSNVINENESS GUARANTEED BY TEE CHARIVARL—Jouty 21, 1894 9 “THE DISTINCUE” WATERPROOF A 18 SUITABLE FOR ALL WEATHERS. We FOR LADIES AND ~ GENTLEMEN. WATERPROOF In Sunshine it serves as a Mantle. To Rain or Storm it offers absolute defiance. Free from the disagreeable odour of the ordinary mac- intosh. Perfection of Style and Finish. Charming patterns. A PERFECT WATERPROOF MANTLE. To be had from leading Drapers, Mantle Houses, Clothiers, &c. (Be careful to ask for “THE DISTINGUE.”) ; EVERY WATERPROOF BEARING A GOLD CAPSULA, 1886 mah, SILK LABEL WITH THE woRDS —— L—— THE DISTINCUE” « Rape. Boston, England. Bearre (in his new waterproof): “Why carry an ambeciia, 1S CUARANTEED. Mamma, pen fy apt 0 pie wer on?” AN UNI (UNIQUE. ne wo ABSOLUTELY PURE SPIRIT. er S Manna:Ob,the umbrella is only to protect my new Hat,mydear.” LANE, B.C. a — Youn: i222, phoaDwat” phew wo and onaDNOeE BUILDING. OF ALL DEALERS APIER JOHNSTONE’S EPPS’S Martell’s “9 ou ci COCOAINE. COCOA-NIB EXTRACT. ’ (TEA-LIKE.) A thin beverage of full flavour now with | many beneficially taking the place of tea. Its active principle being a gentle nerve stimulant, supplies the needed energy with- out unduly exciting the system. BETAILERS CAN OBTAIN THEIR SUPPLIES FROM THE PRINCIPAL WHOLESALE WARENOUSEMEN IN THE UNITED KIvNODOM. ee Office, is, including Postage, 15s. 0d. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. | as B d ARE MADE WITH Soin tm Packers axp Trvs sy Guocens, Lanerezp: Conti ¢ be ued te ran DISTILLED WATER./| JAMES EPPS & ©O., Ltd., sae te supplie KOTTLED IN COONAC y: Menutastery, Cregeen. Homeopathic Chemists, London. Her Majesty the Queen. CARRIAGE PAID TO ANY ADDRESS IF | ORDERED THROUGH ONE OF THE AGENTS 6é 99 | ‘“ , - | OF THE a C. 2. M-” FWILLS® NAVY GUT| oxide, p The finest type of DUBLIN | SANS- SUCRE, 7 WHISKY obtainable. Over 60 years’ established | | ———— ae end “‘GRAND-VIN-BRUT.” (Laurent-Perrier. reputation. Cases of 1 doz. bottles free | to all Railway Stations on | receipt of 50s. | ANDREWS & CO., DAME 8T., DUBLIN, Bole Proprietors of the C. O. M. Brand. London Office— 12, Jonx Sraeer, Apetrwt. Spestehy recommended by oy “Taneet” and “cc 99 Ph aay edical Journal “ as a high-class wine, CAPSTAN” Brand] | is:iz.i: aor spar tne Strain ag | ayy serfcnen Sn ene adrenals \_— Can now be obtained in 2-02, | the Go ~ went take acute 5 P arts ts, per dozen. Patent Air-tight Tins, in|) «coca-TONIC-CHAMPAGNE.” Three Grades of Strength, viz.:—]| 4 compination “cr _ pam eny ,. energies of the Grand- Vin- rut wi. h Coca Leaf Extract, an “MILD,” Yellow label, TosomminyHyperay and ¢ for ln@esns Annmis, /S4s.; Pints, 458. ; Halt- . Bo “MEDIUM,” Blue label. |) Sart: att: turnout rae w ” and at a) e on Ho Savoy, BUGLE BRAND | “sb FULL.” Chocolate label raat tee Na tessa Peed, Lesdos RC i / el, — = . some Pt S ’ e s a ® *. LIQUEUR OF THE As well as in One-Ounce Packets DE. * and }-lb. Patent Air-tight Tins, . “eG CHARTREU SE. 3] on atoms se by all Dealers in Tobacco. , favour on screen WAWERAL WATERS | | : | *¢ Oy itr ren fost zzencox sziowoonw| || W. D. & H. 0, WILLS, Limited, Bristol and London. & ee xmtias, ‘ee latte! poyi. ne shed Pric he Co 1, EC. Pe Oe Sahars Street, sn the Wrostocs of @lanadeaans he the Cats a Lemke aed pekeanel es aa in ae Been Tne iaticers. 08 she, Prtating Ofces of Meare Header? Ag i

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aa The most cheerful companion for | Si ICTURES -|No. 11 Is published Ratlwa I mber | ae of Ponca Picreal. => we to-day, Price 6d., They are an Effectual Insurance from ** 2 op and is on sale against dulness, fatigue, or ennut. apts everywhere.

Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. Cover, . ~~) Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. J Q : iy : 9 uv E| v 5 3 § § ry ¥ g fe) VOLUME CVII. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. ee Tat A TY SE aS eg DUNE VOL. Me oe MOTE»: ') PRICE THREE PENCE. Sas Ww : Ma ont 8 ns emg: vs gE - «

6@” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter v4 Tr) se ; ) &S CADBURY'S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. NO CHEMICALS USED. My Le SEP PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,

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‘Ww AND CHEAPER EDITION OF ° MARCELLA.” Now ready, POPULAR Bi MARCELLA. By Mrs. HUMPURY WARD, Author of “ Robert Elamere * The History of David Griev ITION, Crown ro, & London: SMITH, ELDER ACO NEW SCHEME ror Tne RELIEF wand TRUSTEES. FAMILY TRUST INVESTMENT POLICIES, Securing a Fized Income for Surviving Relatives, FOR PARTICULARS, APPLY TO THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Funds, 7} Millions Stg. Eviwevnon, 8, George Street (Head Office Loxpos, &, King William Street, E.C. 7 Pall Mall East, 8.W. Dusus, 66, Upper Sackville Street Branches & Agencies in Indsa & the Colonies THE SMALL HINDOO PEN. JUST OUT With oblique point, in three grades, 1, 2, and 3, to fit ordinary Penhoider “The Hindoo Pen is inestimabi« Newry Reporter 4. and is. per Box, at all Stationers Semple Nox of all kinds, Is. 14. by Post MACNIVEN & CAMERON, Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. Tenmakers to Her Majesty's Government Offices * As a Safe, Permanent, and Warranted Cure”’ for Scrofula, Scurvy, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Diseases, Pimples and Sores of all kinds, we can with confidence recommend Clarke's Worid-famed Blood Mixture. “It is certainly the finest Blood Purifier that science and medical skill have brought to licht."’ Thousands of Testimonials from all parts. Sold every- where, at 2°. Od. per bottle. Beware of worthless imitations or substitutes HOVENDEN’S Always Refreshing, Sweet, and Lasting. PRICE — je. , 2s. 6d., 5s. 6d., and 10s. by per bottle. note In that NONE 18 GENUINE UNLESS bearing our Name and Trade Mark on Label. To “2 MAD OF ALL PERFUMERS, CHEMISTS, &c Wholesale, B. HOVENDEN & SONS, Baexens Sr., W., & Cort Roan, E.C., Loxpon 5, Waterloo Place PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jvn® 28, Brown & POLson’s Has 35 Years’ World-Wide Reputation. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Darcy Consumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. WEDDING PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, | “HEAVIEST POSSIRLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S | | PRINCE'S PLATE. (Reoo) “BIQOURST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” (Adsoin ine Geman yecoric Comranr A Non-Alcoholic Tonic and Stimulant, KOLA CHAMPAGNE. “UNEQUALLED FUK HARD WEAR.” “The milk in the cocoa-nut” puzzled the sage, ut that problem must take a back seat, For Clarnico’s Caramels—now al! the rage— Are the Créme de la Créme of atreat. | The Laxcer: “Delicate in flavour . . . mens tain. the —— is. posnereies of Cocoa and + Cream CARAMELS (unwrapped). whee rain Milk Cc ARAMELS Geseeenged). | Delivered Free in London and suburbs, 6s. per doz. Quarts ; 7s. per two doz. Pints. SOLE MAKERS ‘Carte, Nickolls & Coombs, Ltd. | OSBORNE, BAUER, & CHEESEMAN’S INCOMPARABLE “REGISTERED ” SMELLING SALTS.” €jueiptMeicines AS SUPPLIED TO THE QUEEN. | The Perfume is Specially Distilled for these Salts. | Invaluatle in Hot Assemblics, always Refreshing To be had through Trade Agents, or direct from THE PURE WATER CO., LTD., Queen’s Road, Battersea Park, London, 8.W. Of Great Value is the Sick Boom. | The Nest Companion at Church, Chapel, Rel, | Theatre, or any heated assembly. Sold in Bottles | by all Chemists and Stores, I+., ls. 6d.,2s.,and 2s. 6d., or post free (for Stamps) from ole Manufacturers, OSBORNE, BAUER, & CHEESEMAN, Sule Proprietors of Glycerine & Honey Jelly, &c., &e. 19, Gotpew Savane, Rroexr Sraser, W. ! Show Rooms : 1/2, RECENT ST. W. "| 1894. One COMPANY'S YACHTING RUISES by the ste Tnokwn, hep a * register, and GAR tons ote r, leaving London as under, re , & oor » days Ls —For NORWAY and &8PITZ BERG EN, Aug for 33 feve For = Wag nee . (WA OPENHAGEN, 22nd Aug. 2 days Yor the MEDITERRANEAN, 2th iept, fe w 3% days. String band, electric light, electric Ile, hot and cold baths, high-class cuisine Mas agers b Green and Co., and ‘Anderson, ene erson, and c ‘o. Head Offices, ! enchurch Avenue, ond or passage apy to the latter firm, at ee ; Fene *. h Avenue, or to the West End Hraneh ¢ iifice, 16, Cockspur St., 8.W PALACE ». COVERED BALCONY AND LOUNCE. Facing the Sea and Pier. Elestric Lighted. Zlevater to all Floors. HASTINGS. | Bow. K3 7. |BUTTER-SCOTGH (The Celebrated Sweet for Children, FOR TENDER FEET Persons subject to tender feet will find instant relief by bathing in Con- dy’s Fiuid (di- luted). Of all Chemists, 8 oz. 1/-, 20 oz. 2/-. Full bath- ing directions (free) from Con- dy’s Fluid Works, Turnmill Street, London, E.C. In- sist on having “ Condy’s Fluid.” Use «« CONDY’S FLUID.”’ =|/BRILL’S 1jd. per E A Bath. S Bracing and SA LT. Refreshing. |ROWLANDS’ MACASSAR OIL Nourishes and Preserves the Hair, makes it Soft and Silky, and is the Best BRILLIANTINE being not too greasy or drying ; speci- ally suited for Ladies’ and C jidren’s Hair; bottles, _3s. 6d. ; 7s.; ODONTO Rites zee sweetens the Breath. Sold everywhere. 10s. 6d. Oral {reetet Sr qpld. Ditty dyfferowk varvelves au. 0 THe Srortinc’Sarety Pin we Saat 13 Now Bond st es dim diawonds. from £3 40 £ 5. ONDON —t ~nae mda fnhle OO et Ose OC 8 wo oO RP RP =

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Juty 28, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. LORD ORMONT’S MATE AND MATEY’S AMINTA. Voivme I. Tus was a school. Small wonder if the boys, doubly sensitive good with the \ -master of laughter-moving invention, sword-thrust, t for a moment on the to and fro of a needless knockabout jig- lady. under a supercilious head ace with chin and mouth all a-pucker for the inquisitive contest. The stout are Teed. ting: hard to chin inte of purposeless panting, in an el tine surging from arm-chairs ; and i an for frock-coats, and they can wear watch-chains. So these boys car's it. b ony ae? aremee there, URAT everywhere, wi HALDERS a-burst at the small end of a trumpet, cheeks rounded to the full note of an usher’s eulogy, like a roar and no mis- take, arduous in the moment, throbbing beneath a schoolmaster’s waist- coat, a heart all dandelions to the plucker, ellow on top with white shifts for feather- ringe; or a daisy, transferring petulance on a bath-chair w i groaning— on the swing for the shall it be a fair, that too a wheeze per- mitted to propriety hoist on a flaxy, grinning chub. This was SHALDERS. Lady CuHartotre EGLetr a > Hers was the brother, the Lord Osmonr we know, a general of cavalry not a ? doubt, all sabretache, spurs and plumes, dashing away into a Hindoo desert like .¥' the soldier he is, a born man sword in fist. She wrote, ‘‘Come to me. He is said to be married.” He spoke to her. ‘‘My father was a soldier,” * He too ?” she interposed. Their eyes clashed, ‘* You are the tutor for me,” she added. ** For your grandson,” corrected he. It was a bargain. They struck it. She glanced right and left, showing the town-bred tutor her hedges at the canter along the | bearing squadrons, main road of her scheme. By G***°GE M*R*D*TH. His admiration of the cavalry-brother rose to a fever-point. Not Lady Cuartorre opined; hard to beat at a atey. ‘* Be his pen-holder,” put in the val | would,” said he, smi i vulsed again. She split sides, con- in a take-oflish murmur, a roll here, a roll there, rib-tickling with eyes B® goggling on the forefront of a sentence all rags, tags, and splutters like a jerry- builder Seping at a waste land pegged out in plots, foundations on the dig, and auc- tioneer prowling hither thither, hammer ready for the ** gone” which shall spin a nobody’s land into a somebody's money passing over counter or otherwise pocket to pocket, full to empty or almost empty, with a mowling choke-spark of a batter-foot all quills for the bean-feast, So they under- stood it. Marey then was Lord Onmonv’s secre- tary. A sad dog his Lordship; all the women on bended knees to his glory. Who shallown him? What cares he so it be a petticoat? For women go the helter-skelter ae ; head-first they plunge or kick like king cuckoos. You can tether them with a dab for Sir Francis Jeune. He will charge a jury to the right-about of a crapulous fallow- ball, stiff as Rhadaman- thus eyeing the tremblers. But Marry had met this one before. Memories came uring. He gazed. Was she, in truth Von rMont’s? The thought spanked him in the face. A wife? Possibly, And with an aunt—AmunTa’s aunt. She has a nose like a trout skimming a river for flies, then rises a minute and you not there, always too late with rod and line for szort. But there was danger to these two, and Lord Ormont was writing his Memoirs. A mad splashing of unnecessary ink on the foolscap made for his head, never more to wear the plumed cocked hat in a clash of thunder- Exp or Vou, I. A VADE MECUM FOR THE NAVAL MANCEUVRES. (Compiled by a Pessimist.) Question. Will the Naval Manceuvres of 1894 have 7 novel features ? Answer. special correspondents, P > a there be the customary coloured ee A, Yes, with the usual commanders, officers and men. Q. Will the lesson that a fleet having speed equal to a pursuing fleet, if given a start, will concerned aa oe be taught to all - Yes, to the great admiration of the authorities at Somerset House and Whitehall. Q. Will it be demonstrated that if a town on the coast is left undefended, a hostile iron- clad will be able to bombard it at pleasure ? A, Yes, to the satisfaction of every scientist in the United Kingdom Q. Will it also be made clear to the meanest comprehension that if the night is sufficiently dark, and search-lights insuffi- cient, a fleet will get out of a harbour in spite of considerable opposition ? .A. Yes, to the A. Yes, to the editors thirsting for copy Q. And, y, how may the Naval Man- defined ? ceuvres be appropriatel A. As the means of obtaining the minimum nly in the imagination of the great a iati f th vend at large, and the Briteh public in nape icular. Q. Will there be the customary secrecy about self-evident facts and trivial details ? annoyance of the news- paper correspondents, and the indignation of A PAINFUL POSITION. It is my base bi pher I’ve haunted all day long. He’s writing out my character, And every word is wrong. With the wrong vices I’m indued, And the wrong virtues too ; My motives he has misconstrued As only he could do. I read the copy sheet by sheet As it issues from his pen, And this, this travesty complete Will be my doom from men ! I’ve wrestled hard with psychic force— It is in vain, in vain! His nerves were ever tough and coarse, Impervious his brain. Ah, could a merely psychic spell Ignite an earthly match ! Or could a hand impalpable Material “* copy” snatch ! I’m as incompetent as mist The enemy to rack. Ah, if a spiritual fist An earthly eye could black ! A paper-weight it lies below, t cannot i d! The publisher will never know Who read that copy first ! His gliding pen, for all my hate, Has never gone awry “All rights reserved,” they "ll calmly state, O’er me. And here am I! GUESSES AT GOODWOOD. (By a Transatlantic Cousin, according to English id eas.) Tuat I shall get pu to take me and mother down in real feyle. That we will wake up sleepy old Europe, and show these insolent insulars that we are above small potatos, That I shall cut out the Britisher Misses, and make their mummars sit up. That 1 shall take care that luncheon is not neglected, and see that all my party, like the omnibuses, are full inside, That I shall think very small of the races, so long as I get my boxes of gloves. That I shall do credit to the best society of Boston and the seminaries of New York by speaking through my nose a mixture of slang and nonsense, That I shall call his Grace of Canterbury ** Archbishop,” and any owner of strawberry leaves ** Duke,” f That I shall wear a gown trimmed with diamonds, and have my parasols made of net and precious stones. fact that puppar made his money out of the sale of w was a laundress, That I shall flirt with a Duke at the Races, marry him at St. George's, and give up for ever the stars and stripes. ; P.S. (by a Transatlantic Cousin, according to Amerwan tdeas),—I shall continue to won- der at an English girl’s notions of her kins- women when there are so many charming specimens of refined Columbian gentlewomen resettled in the old home of the race, at I shall conceal the en nutmegs and mother’s aunt nglo-Saxon of information at the maximum of expense. YOL, CVI.

Page 56

— | 33 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 28, 1894.

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— + Lorp R-s-n-ry.

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Juty 28, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39 ; Z Y Fie a 2 Xa J 4 2 pe Sy wa.’ j 4 Ze A a y 7 “iM (etn Wf : y; Me bi j i ; J J Whe Wis “4 oT —t “THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE,” &c. Scene—Hounds on drag of Otter, which has turned up small tributary stream, Miss Di (six feet in her stockings, to deeply-enamoured Curate, five feet three in his, whom she has inveigled out oe’ Otter-hunting). ‘‘Ou, vo Just Pick ME UP AND CARRY ME ACkOss, IT’s RATHER Deep, DON’T you KNow!” [The Rev. Sp 3 tions are somewhat mixed, THE APPLE OF DISCORD. _ | ‘far, if I save the award | dies, A BALLADE OF THREE VOLUMES. O AWFUL sentence that we read, (Modern Parliameniary Version, ) | Apollo might send me—’twere hard !— Replying to questions concerning the delay in | o read one of her Epics—in Hades! . — pally \ omy - a ‘ filing up the oan of Poet Somtente le W. Har- Then Pallas! Well, Pallas look d fo i Sennen nase oeresd, : id. “This i : : ate en as. e as looks proud, . — said, ne a delicate question, and, | And I have no doubt might pro mm “ Senecieeth conticteniy 40 chun ’ in the decency of the learned language, and_1| Big crown from a true Primrose crowd : The trilogies we value so, would reply, * Poeta nascitur, non "it? soi My) But she runs rather emall for Minerva! And that, for thus the tidings run, hon. friend must remember what happened to the | Men might mistake her for her owl. Three-volume novels are to go! shepherd Paris when he had to award the apple,| ‘* Her rhymes,” say swell Tories, “are Reflect to what it soon must lead, and the misfortunes which befel him and his part- rippin’ !” This rash reform which you’ve begun ; ners—apreteque injuria forme.””) | But still, though the Standard may scowl, How can the novelist succeed Unpoetical Statesman sings :-— I can’t award Pallas the pippin! 2 young tragesy eg fan One? . : +! € 8 of Volume f I’m Paris the Shepherd, pro tem., And then Aphrodite! Oh my! Alveady bis teternsaxelew, And here are the three pseudo-goddesses '— | _ In that dress she must feel rather freezy. : he ; as Different, truly, fcomthom **~ | There ’s confidence, though, in her eye, —_ he : be pee —— , Who appeared, without veils, skirts, or| She is taking it quite Japanesy. ee ate ae ices, That me | —_ 2 a roe Aad Gp for us, wie) mpd plead Unto ’s fal in. And yet—I acknowledge—between us— ‘or long romances deftly spun, Well, lve sioditeminte wig me; | (They Hi call me a cold-blooded wretch) Will not these stern barbarians heed But—at the first glance it ’s so plain, I can’t stand a Japanese Venus! yy —aees mein P : % ote : : a 2 “2 as, your literary Hun Paris can't give the fruit to—e pigmy. | And so “* the Hesperian fruit” Nor sorrow nor remorse can know ; Herf&? Ah! this must be she! | I must really reserve—for the present. He cries in anger, *‘ Simpleton, A classico-Cambrian Juno! | Yes. Heré will call me a brute, Three-volume novels are to go!” Propriety’s pink al/ must see : | And Pallas say things most unpleasant, Eacoi But what other claims has she? Few knuw! | Aphrodite—won’t she give me beans! ROR! AE 1 decency’s all very fine; ey all want the ppin—you bet it ! rince, ere’ 4 bid He M pun She has a fine smack of the chapel ; To grab it each “* goddess’ quite means, __ aes zee _ too, - " 4 low ; But, dash it, I still must decline | Andch! don't they wich they may get it?| 1) So Uicleme novels aretoge! To give Goddess Grundy the apple! I’m sure she ’s démestic and chaste, | “Tue New Woman” (according to the| Murs. R. says she “ quite understands the A virtuous, worthy old body ; | type suggested by the ‘ Revolt of the Dangh- | truth of the ancient proverb which says that But—that’s searce a goddess’s waist, | ters’) ould be known as “ The Revolting | ‘the man who has a family has given sau- Her tone, too, is—well, Eisteddfoddy. | Woman.” sages to fortune,’ ”

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, better give her an opening. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juny 28, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART IV.—RUSHING TO CONCLUSIONS. Scene 1V.—A First-Class Compartment. Spurrell (to himself). Formidable old party opposite me in the furs! Nice-looking girl over in the corner; not a patch on my Ema, though! Wonder why I catch ’em sampling me over their papers whenever I look up! Can't be anything wrong with my turn out. Why, of course, they heard Tom talk about my going down to Wyvern Court : think I’m a visitor there and no end of a nob! Well, what snobs some people are, to be sure! Lady Cantire (to herself). So this is the young poet I made ALBINtA ask to meet me. [ can’t be mistaken, I distinetly heard his friend mention Andromeda. H'm, well, it’s a comfort to find ‘ me “ He ’s going to compose a poem. he’sclean! Have I read his poetry or not? I know I had the book, because I distinctly remember telling Ma1ste she wasn’t to read it—but—well, that’s of no consequence. He looks clever and quite respectable—not in the least picturesque—which is fortunate. I was 'xginning to doubt whether it was quite prudent to bring Marsre; but I needn't have worried myself. Lady Maisie (to herself). Here, actually in the same carriage ! Does he guess who J am?’ Somehow—— Well, he certainly is different from what I expected. I thought he would show more signs of having thought and suffered: for he must have suffered to write as he does. If Mamma knew I had read his poems ; that I had actually written to beg him not to refuse Aunt ALBINIA’s invitation! | He never wrote back. Of course I didn’t yut my address ; but still, | he could have found out from the Red Book if he’d cared. I’m rather glad now he didn’t care. ‘ Spurr. (to himself). Old girl seems as if she meant to be sociable ; | (dloud.) Hem! would you like the) | window down an inch or two ? | want it down, but some people are fond of fresh Lady Cant. Not on my account, thank you. Spurr. (to himself). Broke the ice, anyway. (Aloud.) Oh, I don’t Lady Cant. (with a dignified little shiver). With a temperature as glacial as it isin here! Surely not! ; Spurr. Well, it is chilly; been raw all day. (Zo himself.) She don’t answer. I Aaven’t broken the ice. ‘ - He gor ye a oa bouk. (to herself). He hasn’t said anything very origi yet. So nice of him not to ! Oh, he’s got a note-book ; he’s going to compose a poem. ow interesting ! Spurr. (to himself). Yes, 1’m all right if Voluptuary wins the Lincolnshire Handicap ; lucky to get on at the price I did. When will the weights come out for the City and Suburban? Let's see whether the Pink ’Un has anything about it. [| He refers to the ‘* Sporting Times.” Lady Maisie (to herself). The inspiration’s stopped—tzhat a pity ! How odd of him to read the Globe! I thought he was a Bemenet! Lady Cant, Matsre, there’s quite a clever little notice in Society Lady Maisie How interesting |” Snippets about the dance at Sxympines last week. I’m sure I wonder how they pick up these things; it quite bears out what I was told; says the supper arrangements were “simply disgraceful ; no plovers’ eggs, and not nearly enough cham e; and what there was, undrinkable!” So Ake poor dear my CHESEPARE ; never does do things like anybody else. I’m sure hints enough ! Spurr. (to himself, with a suppressed grin). Wants to let me see she knows some swells. Now ain’t that paltry ? Lady Cant. (tendering the paper). ould you like to see it, Maisie? Just this bit here; where my finger is. Lady Maisie (to herself, flushing). I saw him smile. What must he think of us, with his splendid scorn for rank? (Aloud.) No, thank you, Mamma ; such a wretched light to read by! Spurr. (to himself), Chance for me to cutin! (Aloud.) Beastly light, isn’t it? "Pon my word, the company ought to provide us with a dog and string apiece when we get out! Lady Cant. (bringing a pair of long-handled glasses to bear upon him). I happen to Sold shares in this line. y I ask why you consider a provision of dogs and string at all the Stations a necessary or desirable expenditure ? y I’ve given her alr. Oo == ss — —

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Jury 28, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Spurr, Oh—er—well, you know, I only meant, bring on blindness and that. Harmless attempt at a joke, that’s all, Lady Cant. 1 see, 1 scarcely expected that you would condescend to weakness. I—ah—think you are going down to stay at bef Som. for a few days, are you not ? purr (to himself), I was right. What Tom said did fetch the old girl; no harm in humouring her a bit. (Aloud.) Yes—oh yes, they—aw—wanted me to run down when I could. ady Cant. I heard were expecting you. You will find Wyvern a pleasant house—for a short visit. purr (to himself), She heard! Oh, she wants to kid me she knows the Cutvertns. Rats! (Adoud.) Shall I, though? I 4 mes | Cant. Lady CuLVERIN is a very sweet woman; a little limited, i perhaps, not intellectual, or quite what one would call the grande dame ; but perhaps that could scarcely be expected. Spurr. (vaguely). Oh, of course not—no. (Zo himself.) If she bluffs, socan I! (Aloud.) It’s funny your turning out to be an acquaintance of Lady C.’s, Sone. ady Cant. You think so? But I should hardly call myself an acquaintance. Spurr. (to himself). Old cat’s trying to back out of it now; she oor though! (Aloud.) Uh, then I suppose you know Sir Rupert t Lady Cant. Yes, I certainly know Sir Rupert better. Spurr. (to himself). Oh, you do, do you? We'll see. { Alcod.) Nice cheery old chap, Sir Rupert, isn’t he? I must tell him travelled down in the same carriage with a particular friend of his. (To himself.) That’ll make her sit up! Lady Cant, Oh, then you and my brother Rupert have met already? Spurr. (aghast). Your brother! Sir Rupert Cutveriy your ! Exeuse me—if I’d only known, I—I do assure you I never should have dreamt of saying——! Lady Cant. (graciously). You’ve said nothing whatever to dis- tress yourself about. You couldn’t possibly be expected to know who I was. Perhaps I had better tell you at once that I am Lady Cantiee, and this is my daughter, y Marsre Muir. (Spvrreci returns Lady Marstr’s Little bow in the deepest confusion.) We are oing down to Wyvern too, so I hope we shall very soon become better acquainted. Spurr. (to himself, overwhelmed). The deuce we shall! I hare got myself into a hole this time; I wish I could see my way well out of it! Why on earth couldn’t I hold my confounded tongue’ I shall look an ass when | tell ’em. [He sits staring at them in silent embarrassment. Scene V.—A Second-Class Compartment. Undershell (to himself), Singularly attractive face this girl has ; so piquant and so refined! I can’t help fancying she is studying me med her eyelashes. She has remarkably bright eyes. Can she be interested in me? does she expect me to talk to her? There are only she and I—but no, just now I would rather be alone with my thoughts. This Matste Mutt whom I shall meet so soon; what is she like, I wonder? I e she is unmarried. If I may judge from her artless little letter, she is young and enthusiastic, and she is a passionate admirer of my verse; she is longing to meet me, I suppose some men’s vanity would be flattered by a tribute like that. I think I must have none; for it leaves me strangely cold. I did not even reply ; it struck me that it would be difficult to do so with an dignity, and she didn’t tell me where to write to. . After all, how do I know that this will not end—like everything else—in dis- illusion? Will not such erude girlish adoration pall upon me in time ? If she were exceptionally lovely; or say, even as charming as this fair fellow-passenger of mine—why then, to be sure—but no, something warns me that that is not to be. I shall find her plain, sandy, freckled ; she will er me ridiculous by her undiscriminat- ing gush.... Yes, I feel my heart sink more and more at the prospect of this visit. Ah me! (He sighs heavily. His Fellow Passenger (to herself). It’s too silly to be sitting here like a pair of images, considering that—— (A/oud.) I hope you aren’t feeling unwell ? ap Und. Thank you, no, not unwell. I was merely thinking. His Fellow P. You don’t seem very cheerful over it, I must say. I’ve no wish to be inquisitive, but perhaps you're feeling a little lowspirited about the place you ’re gone to? Und. I—I must confess I am rather dreading the prospect. How wonderful that you should have guessed it ! His Fellow P, Oh, I’ve been through it myself. I’m just the same when J go down to a new place; feel a sort of sinking, you know, as if the people were sure to be disagreeable, and I should never get on with them. Und. Exactly my own sensations! If I could only be sure of | finding one kindred spirit, one soul who would help and understand me. But I daren’t let myself hope even for that! His Fellow P, Well, 1 wouldn bay ag beforehand, The chances are there ’ll be somebody ‘ou can take to, Und, (to himiself). sympathy! What bright, cheerful | t fi FL i Bhi” / WY eo Th Ra ¥ ee | Wi\ \ i NN ty yy wil Mass S| | mC asl, ll. VAAN AN W P| , CUM ATEN IN) yey SAA AN \\s Sn I AY YY PREVENTION BETTER THAN CURE. ‘CAN YOU LET ME HAVE A’ BULLET-PROOF COAT FOR MY LITTLE Doc! My next-poorn NEIGHBOUR HAS THREATENED TO SHOOT HIM rok Barkine!” common sense! (Aloud.) Do you know, you encourage me more than you can possibly imagine! His Fellow P. (retreating). Ob, if you are going to take my re- marks like that, I shall be afraid to go on talking to you! Und. (with pathos), Don’t—don't be afraid to talk tome! If you only knew the comfort you give! I have found life very sad, very solitary. And true sympathy is so rare, so refreshing, I—I fear such an appeal from a stranger may seem a little startling ; it is true that iNtherto we have only exe ed a very few sentences ; and yet already I feel that we have something—much—in common. You can’t be so cruel as to let all intimacy cease here—it is quite tantalising enough that it must end so soon, A very few more minutes, and this brief episode will be only a memory ; I shall have left the little green oasis far behind me, and be facing the dreary desert once more—alone ! His Fellow P. (laughing). Well, of all the uncomplimentary things! As it anaes. though, ** the little green oasis” —as you ’re lind enough to call me—dwon’t be left behind ; not if it’s aware of it! I think I heard your friend mention Wyvern Court! Well, that’s where J’m going. Und. (excitedly). You—you are going to Wyvern Court! Why, then, you must be—— (He checks himself, His Fellow P. What were you going to say ; what must I be ? Und. (to himself). There is no doubt about it; bright, independ- ent girl; gloves a trifle worn; travels second-class for economy ; it must be Miss Mutt herself; her letter mentioned Lady Cutvexntn as her aunt. A poor relation, pr. She doesn’t suspect that am I won't reveal myself just yet ; better let it dawn upon her gradually. (Alond.) Why, I was only about to say, why then you must be going to the same house asl am. How extremely fortunate a coincidence. His Fellow P. We shall see. (To herself.) What a funny little man; such a flowery way of talking forafootman. Oh, but I forgot ; he said he wasn’t going to wear livery. Well, he would look a sight in it! Wuere To sexp a Youno Honse to BE WELL Baoxew IN FOR Rivoxe.—Evidently to the ‘‘ Hackney Training Sc ”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [(Juny 28, 1894. ~ _ . + ae Pat er Da a *Lu-0a-H] Ar THE PERSONAL EQUATION. “You "ne Gorne To prive my Lapy To Recent STREET, AREN'T you, Dickon!?” ‘Yes, I's HALL VERY WELL FOR 'sR LADYSHIP TO GO ABOUT IN A THING LIKE THIS! SHE HAIN’T KNOWN IN THE WEST Exp. Hi aan!” a BUICTS my 99 ‘But I won't, I will kick! I’m_ not| ; : EVICTED TENANTS. meek, like those other two poor little | ; LA FEMME DE CLAUDE. [It is impracticable to proceed in the present W rat ed, woman stoops to folly, Session with some of the great measures to which Look os ‘imp and _ fected ior ro though | You ’ll find, according to Dumas, the Government is pledged, such, for example, as ainst their poo ear little wil One certain cure for melancholy : pe that relating to the Church in Wales, the Regis- But 7 am not going to be ) oat ty I’ll Tue-la! tration Bill, and the Local Veto Bill.”—Sir Wilham make it ot going Fuath law, that damns you in the letter, Harcourt. | You yon 't treat me 80 rag le you won | irit change tout cela ; Little Local Veto, loquitur :— “ chuck” me again, I'll be bound. They y alweys manage matters better A nd_ | And what Com tion have I, for Disturb- | La-bas. On, exactly! Just what I expected! 9 ’ after such volumes of talk talk! “all rig ht | » what's that you say? next| These are the lines to play the man on; My prospects you told me were brilliant, and + ss Take her defenceless, cry ‘* Hola!” Noe it all ends—in a baulk ! — pass awa a away, my dears, please, | And trotting “ ety nim le cannon, ue-ta . 0 won't I just work up Sir WIitrrip, and Ah! ce all Z , > ery fine to look pleasant and won't I just wake Mister C and h fair things—at the Se: | Or take for choice the common cartridge ; But there, fot’ — rest lei y, these | But that’ hat 's regular constable blarney, old boy, Pop goes le p’ tit fusil, comme ca! times, that 's exceedingly plain. u’ve done it before. You bag her neatly like a partridge | And you too, my own bringer-up, to turn is fa! . e we’re Evicted, worse luck! like La-bas. out of house and of home! | Oho, you unnatural parent! And where shall | | ad ae “lent ol Ah! ** I’ Homme- Femme” may haunt the bosom we wanderers roam British ; Poor Taffy, and young (Registration) Bill—| But you pat no bee Geslies! No: some La France goes trolling ‘* (a ira: look at him limping !—and Me ? of ’em still left inside . | And waives the question with a skittish | And the other ones tucked up inside, and | yw * Tue-la !’ especially that impudent Three, Will ye join us, pa Se ont, as will : The Irish, the Scotch, and the London boys, | p'raps be « pill to (Exit with other Bills He pasion, seameeneeens, . whom you so favour and pet, 8. a — erp ea, a —- Bis Are laughing at us from the window. Bat, | a0 soives a ese equ drat them, their turn may come yet. Tue CoLonEL AND as Quiver.—Our own —e They may have to turn out, after all! Brity | Colonel = ——— M.P., was never better; So runs the play. We saw you foot it Bupert of course is all right, at his han when, in the debate last Featly therein, /a belle Sara! For you fought for your favourite che-ild, Thursday ict ae said, “Tf the Bill passes,| Yuu were all there, or, so to put it, : and. by, Jingo, rt has bom, a + s a quiver of or ry run Gaenes every | Toute la, jut what have me to be rounded on? | tenant, &c., &e. s course the gallant | y Call yourself boss of the place ? | Colonel meant ‘arrow” or “ dart,” not And ‘nerd yen go, and, if onta let us, Why, the Batters, and Bowxeses, and|“ quiver.” A dart or an arrow will run Re — Rng my 2 forget Bourons and Brkwes simply laugh in | through a persoe, ereing him in front, and| ome bac again, ha on’t forget us your face ! ppearing at bade: But “quiver ” doesn’t — What use to be landlord at all if you can’t ‘dot s sort of . An arrow so transfix- : | choose your tenants?’ Oh my! jing a body may ts e it quiver—but this is. Tue New Morro (by our own Irishman). «lI NOISSHS LXUN—i LNAWALVISNI-AU—i AAS TI.ONOA,, «¢d;HONV@NOIsId YO NOLLYSNAdWOO, ON AAVH OL AM AUV,, “IMG O14, TVVOT ,” *Ajpejoelop ‘sig gunaxq | That odious Bang—one more B!—has the | another matter. er to the quivering | —England expects every man this day to pay laugh of me still! I could ery— | elbow of the gallant ary; el ! | his own Death Daty.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jv ty “EVICTED TENANTS.” 28, 1894. Locat Veto Birt. “‘ ARE WE TO HAVE NO ‘COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE’ ?” H-re-rt, ‘** YOU ’LL SEE !—RE-INSTATEMENT !—NEXT SESSION !!” [Ere unt Bills ’ SWAIN Se dejectedly. al

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| Jovy 28, 1894.] PUNCH, Scene—Crossing in Rotten Row during the height of the Sezson, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. cep - P & 7 Spl eR “. LA Spite oi ‘LZ al Y) bole Ufa. / & GY 5 fO aur Bee rena” ~~ A ROYAL PROGRESS. Two Policemen stopping Riders, Baby inside, about to cross, Little Girl, wheeling p’ram., with Mary Hanne, ‘‘ Lor’, tv's sus’ AS IF WE WO8S THE QuEEN!” AIRS RESUMPTIVE. | 1.—Tue GARDEN or SLoTH. T the Court of the ing of ways, Man planted a garden, a garden that |of 1852 originated in Devonshire.” Ac pays In the thick of the crowd, where they tread on your corn, It is there that a FOR ARMS OR ALMS? Aw advertisement appears in a recent number of the Atheneum, Earl, by the meet- | headed ‘* Devon Volunteer Commemoration,” in which ‘ Drawings . | are invited for a memorial of the fact that the Volunteer Movement cording to the regulations, ty Deovinge must be accompanied by tenders for carrying out the | work.’ Moreover, “ the total cost, including all charges for design- |ing, carrying out, superin ing, and erecting the work, and sur- |rounding the same with a suitable iron railing, must not exceed caguler plant hes £200.” Now this is really a very fair sum, and to assist one of our Hot pa! of desire and cool nights of | Teaders to win the prize, we allot the money in appropriate items. disgust, They are mine when its bud keeps to bust. O, Wheel of my weal! refusin forlorn, I am waiting, I say, with a crush on | Of course we can only give a rough estimate, but it should be near | enough to suit its purpose. Cost or tHe Devon VoLUNTEER COMMEMORATION MEMORIAL, Design (being a sovereign more than the sum offered for a second prize) . ° } ; Stone. . ° é ° ° I am waiting 6 10 30 0 0 0 0 0 0 my corn. In the “ Garden of London” where night-lights are spread, | I watch Living Pictures, as old as the dead ; While a Tow-er Gigantic stands gruesome and glum, By the shadow of Shows that are certain to come. Will they shoot as J shoot on sixpenny slides ’ Will they want as J want rotatory rides ? O, plant ef a plant! I would barter my skin For the chance of Ixion his regular spin ! By Our Schoolboy. @. (a) Explain the allusion ‘Quorum Pars.” (8) Give reference. | R. “ Quorum” is a bench of magistrates who myst be all Fathers | of Families, or Pa’s. Hence the expression (which is a kind of Latin ) “Quorum Pars.” (8) The references are numerous, and all, ghly respectable. i Engraving inscription . e ‘ j ‘ P Gilding the names of the Committee, &c., engaged in the work P é J P ‘ - Designer’s charge for carrying out, superintending and erectine work. : . E : ; Balance (to be used for surrounding memorial ‘* with a suitable iron railing ’’) : , . 100 £200 50 And now, having shown how the thing may be done, we hope that i It is pleasant to find Art so greatly | appreciated in Devonshire—a county which apparently is as rich and the best man may win. as generous as its own cream! Post ParanpraL,—If the geraniums and roses in my Lovisa’s y name? garden could speak, what celebrated dipner-giver would —Loo! cuir vs! 0 0 0 0 rr

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| «6 [Jury 28, 1804. | Farewell Letter to Midlothian. | AIR ** Farewell to Mackenze.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL F FAREWELL TO McGLADSTONE. : (Prom the Heart of Midlothian. ) | (*T must here add, in explicit terms, the few decisive words to which, #fter all that has happened, I feel a natural reluctance te give utterance. It is not my intention, at the age I have now reached, to ask re-election (for Midlothian) when the present Parliament shall be dissolved.”—Mr. Gladstone's FAREWELL to McGLapstoye, great Chief of the North! ; | Midlothian remembers when first setting forth, | The Chieftain she’s mourning his course here began, | Launching forth on wild billows his bark like a man, | And stirring all hearts with his eloquent voce, | Farewell to McGuiapstorg, the Chief of our choice ! O swift was his galley, and hardy his crew, [ true, Her Captain was skilful, her mariners In dahger undaunted, unwearied by toil, Though the storms might arise, and the billows might boil, | In the wind and the warfare he seemed to rejoice. | Farewell to McGiansrone, the Chief of our choice ! Blow bland on his parting, thou sweet southland gale ! Like the sighs of his sailors breathe soft on his sail ; Be prolong'd as regret that his vassals must know, Be fair as their faith, and sincere as their woe [of voice, Be so soft, and so fair, and so friendly | Wafting homeward McGtapstrong, the Chief of our choice! He was pilot experienced, and trusty, | and wise, | To measure the seas, and to study the skies ; | He would hoist all her canvas on Vic- tory’s tack, | Sha Kind Heaven crowd it fuller when waft- ing him back To his home in far Hawarden, where hearts will rejoice To welcome McGtapstong, the Chief of our choice. Midlothian no more! ’Tis a sorrowful cry, And we gaze on the waves, and we glance at the sky; We shall long, when clouds darken and wild waves o'erwhelm, For his voice through the gale, for his hand on the helm. é Now we shout through the shadows, with tears in our voice : E Farewell to McGiapstong, great Chief of our choice ! Midlothian no more! Faith, we fancy we hear new fear, The cry of the Chieftain who never Stout still through its sadness, ‘* Keep up the good fight! : Let Midlothian, let Scotland, still stand for the Right!” The last burden brave of the valorous voice Of dauntless McGuapstong, great Chief of our choice! Midlothian no more! In despite, Chief, of all The Heart of Midlothian responds to yourcall, — Its echoes shall live, though no longer our form storm. steer us to sunshine, or cheer us in Then farewell to the presence, but not to the voice Of “ Auld Wutiie” Grapstone, great Chief of our choice! THE COPPERATION AT WINSER. Ona, didn’t the grand old Copperation have a grand treat last week | at Winser! Her grashus Majesty the Quen asked ’em all down to her butiful Pallace to hear the sollem Recorder read to her their joyful feelings at the birth of her dear little Great Grand Son! And then, to the great joy of all on ’em, Her Masesty read such a delishus arnser as amost brort tears to the eyes of some of the young uns of | the Party, and sent ’em away to the butiful Lunshon Room to refresh fills the the part. Grow Ravoert an p apparently not particularly attractive, or more powerful attractions exhorsted natur with a delicate Lunch, and sum exkisit Madeary, such | 2 sewhere. Saturday, 21. Pagliacci followed by new opera entitled The ady of Longford, though it would have been more polite had the OPERA Tuesday, July 17.—*‘ The opera season will terminate July 30.” To-night Venpi's opera of Aida, ** with the dotlets on the i.” First ce of Madame ApINI, a spacious prima donna who amply NOTES, excellent Amneris. as King Groner THE POURTH is said to have saved xpressly for | Pagliacci allowed the Lady to precede them. But Pagliacci will be simmilar glorius ocasions. Pagliacci. The Lady's Librettists are Sir DrvugioLanvs Porticus Don’t let it be supposed as I wants peeple to beleeve as I was|and Mr. F. E. Wearnerty. The music is by Emm Bacn. The there; but I had the hole account given by one as was, I ain’t | Gentlemea of Longford are represented by Messrs. ALVARFZ and ixagerated it not a bit. Epovarp pg Reszxe, while the Lady, the big lady, is Emma Eames There is a sertain Body of gents in London as ewidently wonts to|—** quite the lady ”—and the little lady is Evetyn Huewes. This lay fust fiddel in the guvernment of our grand old City, but I|new Lady turns out to be our old friend the one-act drama by ak heard of their being asked down to Winser to con- | Tom Tartor entitled A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing, set to music, the gratulate her Most Grayshus Macrsry on the late appy ewent. | comic characters being omitted, and the end made tragic instead of Should they be so I should most suttenly make a pint of seeing ’em| happy. The music does not entitle Bacn to take a front seat. all start, if it were only out of curiosity to see what sort of State| Emma Eames excellent; Fanny Hueues funny; ALVAREZ : Mazerine Gownds they would all wear! | Jean DE Reszxe first-rate all-round-head Colonel, but more like a I had allmost forgot to menshun that the two Sherryffs, and the | Cathedral than a Kirk. Composer and Librettists complimented ; Chairman of the big Tower Bridge, was all benighted, and came out | MaNciELLI conducted ; house full. General satisfaction. of the presents Chamber smiling like ancient Cherubs. I am told as | wisit to royal inser, that th has been and how as the Co peation was so werry much delited with ae vee a werry similer | passed wote of thanks to the Dook and Dutchess of Yorx, and arsked them to receeve ’em jest the same as the QuEEn did, but is both werry | sorry to say, that their Pallis not being near so big as Her Masesty’s, they on as only a small Deppytation of Aldermen and C. C.’s will attend. Oh won't there be jest a rush for places, as every one on ’em is Harp Case or “ Evicrep Texants” ts Drury Lane.—At a | general assembly of the Theatre Royal Drury Lane Company of Pro- ietors last Wednesday, Mr. Currry is reported to have observed that ‘after putting £300,000 into the building without recei in return, they were now to have their money confiscated but in such circumstances as one would not have expected from a nobleman in the Duke of Beproxp’s position.” Ahem! Why did a farthing the law, naterally anxious to show his loyelty on so hinteresting an ocasion, tho of course they carnt expec to have heverything exacly the same as they had at Royel Winser. Ropert. not Sir DRURIOLANUS arise and, remembering the Barber of Seville, \sing “Carrry, Currry, piano! piano!” But naturally the Drury ' Laneites must feel a bit hurt.

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| Jour 28, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. aT |

THE “CRAND NATIONAL” HOW IT IS DONE. | A Demi-French Octave. | (An Art-Recipe.) | (Picked up in a Dressing-room.) | is |My razor, you’re a true . ipa ey raseur

House to establish a National | That is, you bore me badly! | You ’re blunt, you gash—de tout mon cur o. “s = J bless you wildly, madly! | Announced at the meeting ~~ S : A ) \ BF Vraiment, ¢'eat cous qu’ jai re noe Aha ps, = i hs ces - ee Each morn on rising sadly ; We understand the following Th F 4 ’ W aa met Gat shaving ’s Jn ome per have also re- - x id Ei { In turn {a cut yougladly! The Duke W-stm-n- i a ; ’ oe ‘gh st-r. — y a - ~ oo aa HAH \w I In Vrew or Ho crpays. ground-rent. Intended to A | Hf Pa)||/|! | A Hixr.—Of course if you're support and sustain beauti- : Hin on pedestrian tours bent—if ful cliffs, &c. | | you're a bicyclist you'll be Fe Buke of D-v-nsh-re. a = bmg — cannot —Ch-tsw-rth ich, owi ; , : 0 an, as a pedes- to recent | falntion be” - . trian, get Watxer’s Maps. no longer afford to keep up. If you are going to sail, Intends to take a small cot- or by steam, you are again pa a _ ny ~ “— : London,” There Sle -— Several Dis- idea in these Maps which tressed Dukes have also might be still further deve- mised, on their death” to } eee, and that is not only to leave their estates to the w the route and the Trust. . { manner of making your A Lover of Ozone.—A so, Aled —"" journey, but by arrange- icularly bracing breeze. gg? oe ; : ment with the principal 'o be dedicated to the public we ~~ famed? Steam - boat and Railway for ever. i ve 3 Companies some sort of The London County Coun- Seer ** itinerary ” might be added cil.—The Shaftesbury Foun- f to the Map, with informa- tain. The L. C. C., we , tion as to the *‘ means understand, welcomes the | MY 32 62 whereby,” which to the 4 of handing over to | 5 en : toiler in search of a brief the Trust the responsibilit Ses, (Z¢ ? holiday “by rail, by river, attaching to this insoluble Fis or by sea,” and perhaps by problem, 7 EN, SRE of * all three, woul be most A Hertfordshire Gentle- ; Fy + A useful were it. available as man,—A thoroughly reliable Y Wy -an almost instantaneous right of way. process” of reference. Mr, Th-m-s B-ch-m,— : A unique collection of sign- BISLEY. 8 in situ, ese are 4 = placed in the midst of the Weather Bley ! most lovely natural scenery, ne aor g00hA ? <= Venems mines ” aa ‘ . ERITAS FALSA- and in themselves will very a : ‘ soon, it is hoped, be of his- ( Epatates.) Frivanciat Proniem (the toric interest. ye of reading the Budget Sir Fr-d-r-ck P-il-ck will | Take a lot of black triangles, Give a look of introspection Debates),—Why is the In- arrange in every case to| Some amorphous blobs of red ; (Or a squint) to two black eyes ; come-Tax so sharply felt ? supply a good title. Just a sprinkle of queer spangles, Or a glance of quaint dejection, Because, disguise it as you Mr. Punch heartily com-| An ill-drawn Medusa head ; Ora geee of wild surprise ; may, it’s a case of tin- mends so patriotic a scheme | Some red locks in Gorgon tangles, Slab and slop them all together tax ! to his ers. Any beauti-| And a scarlet sunshade, spread: With a background of sheer ful cliffs, ground-rents, rights | Take a “ portiére” quaint and spotty, sludge ; Loypon Kwyient BY of way, &c., sent to him at| Take a turn-up nose or two; (Like a slum in foggy ——— Kniout,—The Sonicrror- 85, Fleet Street will imme- | The loose lips of one ** gone dotty,” And this blend of scrawl and | GeneratKnighted last Wed diately be forwarded to the| A cheese-cutter chin, askew ; yy nesday at Windsor. Will proper quarter. N.B.—It is | Pose like that of front-row “* Torrie,” Vend as ART—in highest feather !-- | Bon (the only name by which Just possible an exception to| Hut as worn by ‘‘ Coster Loo” ; | Dupes in praise will blareand blether. | his many friends know him) this rule might be made in| Take an hour-glass waist, in section, | Honest Burchells will ery — | henceforth be known as ‘the the case of ground-rents. Shoulders hunched up camel-wise ; “* FUDGE!!!” Queen’s Shilling”?

RANELAGH IN RAIN. WHAT’S IN A NAME INDEED ? How sweet this road is, fringed by hedge- | How sweet that lake, where gentle eddies ‘‘ Epwarb, Albert, Christian, George, play! regi Patrick, David, Pv May the hawthorn’s But all around seems lake, through | D 5 adage ty Coreg phir De gorge: snowy ’ rainfall dim. 4 peins Ay A fairy place that seems Titania’s realm! | Why want a pond, when on dry (!) land | oo Pee at ee White Lodge, By Jove, what mud ! to-day | g , code aaa i should dodge ; We almost swim ? ure such names ill-luck 1 Be; How sweet this turf, as soft as finest | Sure such names no babe e’er bore, moss! | How sweet—to get a Hansom home Patron Saints! You've all the four Such “ gazon anglais” we alone can i To bless the Royal Christening !

again, get. | And leave this —— rheumatic damp ! = Oh hang it, no! I cannot walk across, I do not love thee, Ranelagh, in rain, A Company THAT ovent to “ Froart,’ It’s soaking wet ! Beneath a gamp. ** The Cork Company.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jury 28, 1894. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, July 16.—The Blameless B. is translated into the Breathless Baxriey. Of eleven pagesof Amend- ments to Budget Bill standing for consideration when House met to-day, not lees than three contributed by this particular B. Embodied readjusted scale of graduated taxation. Only objections to it presently stated by Secrne or Matwoop: (1) It would necessitate total reconstruction of Bill (2) resulting in loss of £643,000 ; (3) whole question had been thoroughly threshed out in Committee. To raise it again at eleventh hour seemed too much to ask even in connection with Budget Bill. Nevertheless Barriey, not yet breathless, moved his multi- tudinous Amendment. Resumed his seat with consciousness of man who had done his duty. The Seurre would get up to answer him; debate would follow; at least two hours would be pleasantly occupied. Instead of Squire, ATTORNEY-GENERAL rose. ‘* Well,” said Brametess, throwing himself into attitude of attention, ** let ’s hear what he has to say.” Turned out to be exceeding y little. ‘‘Government scale has been attacked and defended many times,” said ATTORNEY-GENERAL. ‘I do not think it necessary to defend it again; but,” here he leaned on the table with engaging look at the now Breatuiess Barter, **the hon. gentleman can take a division if he thinks fit.” Bart ey sat and audibly gasped. Joxim™ — lantly protested against this treatment of his hon. friend; Gonsdenal & move adjournment of debate. Prince ARTHUR sent for; arrived almost as breath lees as Bartixy; thunder boomed, lightning flashed round head of Arronnry-GENERAL, who is always finding himself astonished. ‘‘ The hon. and learned gentleman,” said Prisce ARTHUR with delightful assumption of anger, “ has abused the situation. The Opposition have no means of compelling him to talk sense, but talk he must.” Squire or Matwoop, who had fled before pros- pest of long speech from Bartuey, hastily brought yack. Don’t know where incident would have ended had it not been for Kenyon-Sitangy. Find- ing opening he slipped in. Threw himself into mA oratorica! attitude ; proposed to consider prin- ciple of graduation adopted in Bill. Would do so under three heads: injustice to the poor, injustice to the middle-class, injustice to the rich. This tvo much even for Opposition. With groans of despair they rushed into Division Lobby; Bart.Ley’s scheme negatived by majority of 62. Business done,— Budget Bill p Report stage. Wednesday.—St. Joun Bropricx sitting on front Opposition Bench through Committee of Supply on Army Estimates this afternoon, in- vested neighbourhood with unwonted air of fashion. Not that there is, asa rule, any lack of style on part of Leaders of Opposition regarded asa body. Only pemething. je ne sais quot, about Broprick that suggested profoundest depths of Poote. Couldn’t help complimenting him on his turn out. “* Evidently you spare no expense,” I said; “‘ though why even a millionaire should wear an overcoat a day like this seems wicked waste of property. Hope you are not growing desperate in anticipa- tion of Death Duties; spending your money recklessly so that Har- court may be disappointed when, for taxing purposes, he comes to engregete your property ?”’ ** My dear boy,” said Broprick, giving the overcoat a dexterous lift by the lappels that added fresh grace to its fit at the back of the neck, “‘ you’re out of it altogether. This is the thirteen-and-six- penny coat supplied to Tommy Atkins in which,—following the advice of Dr. Jomn~son, wasn't it P—I, as I told the House the other | day, took a walk down Bond Street. The surtout underneath, which I will fully display when the House gets a little fuller, cost seventeen- and-six net. You will observe it is so made that you can button it across and so save a waistcoat, If you must have a waist- coat, we can do it at eight-and-nin ce. As for trousers, these cost me thirteen shillings.” (Here he stretched out and fondly regarded a manly leg.) ** If I had taken a couple of pair, cut at the same time you know, I could have had the two for 25s. I see your eyes fixed on the boots. As you say, the shape of the foot may have something to do with it. But apart from that, the article is equal to what you pay thirty-five shillings for in Regent Street or Piccadilly. Eleven-and-ninepence was the fi Misfits, very ed with privates newly joined, knock off the odd ninepence. course I | don’t wear this suit every day. Can't afford that; put ’em on whenever House in Committee on Army Supply or debate going for- lea A ‘ of the word. ward on Army matters. It encourages WMELL - BANNERMAN, “The Young Wales Party.” ou know; helps Woopatt in getting his clothing vote; and, I Cleve, is rather liked by Tommy Atkins.” Business done.—SQutRE OF ALWOOD announces me for remainder of Session. A mere nothing. Only, as Prince ARTHUR says, in view of number of Bills and their contentious character, more like what we are accustomed to at beginning of Session, than to have dumped down in what should be its last month. Thursday.—*‘ Joseru,” said the Member for Sark, dropping into one of his tiresome didactic moods, ‘‘ would do well in any circum- stances. Whether in Upper Egypt or Lower, he was sure to come to the top of the well, however securcly his brethren might have packed him in its lowest depths. But, regarding him just now as he criti- cised the Squrre’s arrangements for the Session, I could not ae thinking what a loss the auction-room has only partially surviv by his turn into the field of politics. If in early life, or even middle age, he had only taken to the rostrum, the shade of the much over-rated Rostws would have been dimmed in glory. Observe how well he looks the part. See with what unconscious effect he produces a stumpy piece of lead pencil, and looks round for bids. Listen to the clear charp notes of his voice. ‘ What shall we say, geadenes, for the Equalisation of Kates Bill? How many days will you give for it? Name your own time, gentlemen. There is no reserve. 8: we say six days? Does the tall, somewhat stout gentleman with a white waistcoat, on the Treasury Bench, shake his head? Very well, we will say four days. Going at four days;’ and the pencil, seratching out six, substitutes four. This may seem very easy when it’s done; but it’s art, Tony, even genius, If you think it’s easy for a man discussing State business, suddenly but completely to invest the high court of Parliament with the tone and atmo- sphere of an auction-room, just reckon up how many other men of first rank in life could do it. Not to go further afield, could Prince ARTHUR manage it, even after a week’s training ? Very well ; then don’t minimise a successful effort becanse, thanks to the commanding influence of native talent, its accomplishment seems toa rticular person.” usiness done, — Hicks- 3ZacH, complaining that Ministers have dropped a large number of Bills for lack of time to pass them, and asserting that the time remaining at their disposal for passing the poor balance is too short, reduces it by three hours, in order that he and his friends may lament the fact. i Friday.—House heard with keen satisfaction that Sztumper is around again. Not having seen in the newspapers any telegrams from him lately, there was vague idea that he had succumbed to his exertions on occasion of the happy event at White Lodge. Perhaps he was a little fatigued, for SztumpeR, in addition to being Mayor of Rich- mond, is almost human. No man born of woman could with impunity fire off such a succession cf telegrams as on that memorable day SzLUMPER dealt out to his Sovereign, the Heir Apparent to the Throne, the Crowned Heads of Europe, and his ducal neighbours at the White Lodge. But on Royal Christen- ry heim SzL.UMPER was around again, with a little SzLUMPER carrying a bouquet of flowers to be presented to the Queen, whilst SzLUMPER pére, plumped on his knees, weleomed his Sovereign within the gate- way of ancient Richmond. * Ah, ce Scorer!” said Saux, ‘* he delights me more and more. He represents, if you think of it, the essence of our English social life. He is part of the foundation of the British Constitution, which everyone, especially those regarding it from a distance, regards as the perfection of good government.” Business done.—A dull night speechmaking on Irish Evicted Tenants Bill. OXFORD AND YALE.—(Jery 16.) A very good fight! Come again to us, Yale! We know a true Yank knows not how to spell *‘ fail.” Hickox and Suetpow can throw and can jump! And e’en in the racing you made our lads pump! Come again, Yale, come again, and again ; Victors or vanquished such visits aren’t vain. One of these days you will probably nick us. ; We don’t crow when we lick we won't ery when you lick us! Rise, Sir! “ We are informed that the Queen has been pleased to confer the honour of a Baronetcy on Dr. Jonn Wii11aMs, of Brook Street. Dr. Wiiit1aMe is the Physician who attended the Duchess of Yorx.”—Daily Paper, July 16. We congratulate Sir Jonmy, who is now a Sur-geon in every sense Con H CAI ORDE} or TH "¢ extraore Insomni Collapse Quarts, | Roth | andata pint of COLLIN Sample b | RICH

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juty 28, 1894 Continue to be su Her Majesty the CARRIAGE PAID TO ANY ADDRESS IF ORDERED THROUGH ONE OF THE AGENTS OF THE COMPANY. AMPAGK Ber 5- SuGHE,” “@ -VIN-BRUT.” Specially recommended 3) tt “Lancet” and ~ British M Journal’ asa high-¢ . fectly free ar, ree ioe dei ought oy aithful snd inv nip sti, tant whi ‘on’, and most M the G 7 by Rheumatic, Dyspeptic tenes uarts, Ofs.; Pints, 45s. per dozen. “COCA- TONIC-C A AGNE.” st A combination, by D areeers “at Bouzy- of the » Grand-Vin- rut Wheb Coca Leaf Extract, an extraordinary restorative for Infléenza, Anwmia, insomnia, Hysteria, and all forme of Nervous Collapse, ‘ke. Quarts, is. Pints, 45s.; Half-pints, 34s. per doz. Roth W by Wine iy rote ay &e., 1 thet the oh I and at all t 4 rdon Hotels, Savoy, pond fom Nie pint of ef fier, 3. Bl, POLLING WOOD , 4, Sussex Place, London, FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. INC'S cuz. COLD ie tira oy ‘(HE RANDY. Genw ® biqueun EL EVEN OLD. This Grand Old Whiskey is a blend of the produce Sample bottle Rica. MATHEWS 6 60; “a = vy all aoa | Mentuanrs Inspr and the Co: os tts. NAPIER JOHNST OLD HIGHLAND awl Bd oy ED STEEL SHEAP BINDERS SAVORY and MOQRE’S BEST FOOD ror INFANTS “= JOSEPH GILLO y, @nd Having Greatest Durabili m Therefore CHEAPEST. Gold 1878: 1889. HARWESS COMPOSITION H. HARRIS’ (Warearnoor). SADDLE PASTE 8. & H. HARRIS. Ma (Ware RFROOT), PENS Selthe YABRIRE wear For Roots, Shoes, Harness, and Miack Leather articles. P OLISHT oa $i s T E nufactory: LON G P Tals - "C, Crriovs 0. Matr. reputation. Cases of 1 doz. bottles receipt of 50s. Eole Yroprietors of C. O. M, Brand. London Office— M. The finest type of DUBLIN WHISKY obtainable. Over 50 years’ established to all Railway Stations on ANDREWS & CO., DAME 8T., DUBLIN, 12, Joux Sreeer, Apetrut. P| JEWSBURY & BROWN'S Oriental = | HeWseuRY BROWN, le | oft. free | = jn Hoorune up ot the See aTit RE, £8 SONS’ Iron Nag ote om Frames, Patent ( ae k Actions,&c. Wun in bRTheMEAD a bok 18, 20, and 22, Wiomone Grarer, Loupon, w. Are fpr Sale, rd” System. ROCHE’S The celebrated oy cure wee _ Medicine ole Wholesale Agents, W Kowsavs & bow, 187, Queen Victoria Street, Landon. Fuld by must Chemists. Price de per Vottie. Paris—Nauat, 14, Kae de la ot Rew | Yort— Fovoumas 4 Co., Dorth Wi lam Street Sold only in !-ounce Packets, and 2, 4. §- ounce, and |-Ib. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in fine smuking condition. Ask at all Tobacco Sellers’, Stores, &c., and take no other. SMOKERS ARE CAUTIQNED ACAINST IMITATIONS. The Genuitie bears the Trade-Mark, ‘Nottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tin. FLAYER'’S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, in Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 50, and 100. The following extract from the “ Review or Reviews,” Nov., 1890, is of interest to every Smoker: THE PIPE IN THE WORKHOUSE.- The picture drawn by our Helper of the poor old man in soe the * B 7 vie. & ~~ touched the hearts of some of o€f correspondents. who dates h bist — imself “ Old Screw,” says: “ L have been struck with your aa view +4 Keviews for a scneme to supply smokers in union Ww thse yea mary standards, 3 am the most selfish of mortals, as [ ’ sewer Sor perpeses of so called. charity , buy this scheme of y penis ot ance to of a hardened and inveterate smoker. Were fin Tondow: twoula at Gace tarts c & x on i me oneting acquaintances, bat, walortunathiy, m for the next — aoe gt el a little, and would Nate pound of waa hat 1 eonajier te t BMORING QBACCO, vis, Mb betes ap advertisement). Be See adee “rsanaaé OF ALL DEALERS, Martell’s Brandy. BOTTLED IN COGNAC. “Disfigured for Life” Is the despairing cry of theusands afflicted with unsightly skin diseases. Do Pos realize what this disfiguration meaus to Sensitive souls? means isolation, It seclusion. It is a bar to social and EBS BUCEHTS. Do Lg wonder that despair upon mM... sufferers when Dustere b » Standard remedies fall, ms prove worse thari tiseless + fin Disa are Mogt obstinate to cure. rose ra Rewxpixs Ilave earned the title Skin Specifics, Because for years they haye met with most remarkable gucce a, There are cag’ that they cannot cure, but they are few indeed, It fs no long-drawn-out expensive experim« nt. One Shilling invested in Curicvna Boar Vill prove more than we dare claim, In short CuTICcoRA WoRKs WoxDens, And ps cures are simply miaryellous. i Price: Gerona, Ge 4 Boar, la; f AT or the st, port free, br bs. 6d, of 1a hows, 1, King Llanes bare “4 Newgate Btreet, Londen, BC * Low jo Cure Bhin Disease,” ger free KODAK These famous hand or tripod « apes is whilst embodying the most oars anced ideas in camera construction, are the simp ile t and most compact Photographic instru ments mace. —_ suitable for boy or girl, novice in photography, or photographic expert. Yrom 1 to 100 pictures can be made | without recharge. Strongly recommended by travellers in all parts of the globe. Prices from £1: 6: 0 to £22: 1: 0. iMustrated Catalogue free on application. Manufactured solely by EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., Y 118-117 OXFORD ST., LONDON. 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COLT’sS REVOLVERS .. are used all over the World MABIE, TODD, & BARD, LT STIREARMS 00 Ms 00., West End * Regent Bt Pau Rad) oe Por omy ” est En ae « = ye Kerastienen 1865 5 2 nvGnES % SONS, Birmingham. THE BRITISH NATURAL MINERAL WATER. sé 4/l- Bi- 2i- Pen Doz ATLEY =o ABBEY’ HOVIS BISCUITS. Bottled Direct at the Springs. Superior to ALL Foreign Waters, re O V | S Unrivalled as a Table Water for its —. high y va uable aitural BREAD. medicinal Can be obtained » & all Chemists, Wine Further particulars from S. FITTON AND SON, Millers, Macclesfield. Merchants, &c.; also at the leading Hotels, Restaurants and Clubs. 4l-, 3l-, 2/« per dozen. For Medical Opinions, Analytical Report iad All information write to CATLEY ABBEY CO., DICBY, LINCOLN. THE TWO BEST SUMMER NUMBERS. GREATLY ENLARGED. THE SUMMER NUMBER THE PALL MALL BUDGET. The SUMMER NUMBER of the PALL MALL BUDGET is NOW READY. It consists of Sixty-four Pages of Pictures, Stories, and Sketches ina SPECIALLY DESIGNED WRAPPER by GRIVAZ, printed in twelve colours, together with a separately printed COLOURED PLATE, entitled “FORBIDDEN FRUIT,” After a Water-Colour Drawing by HAL LUDLOW. The Contents include :— CHU CHU. By Baer Hanre. (Maustratel. PICTURES IN COLOUR. A LONDON COMEDY in 12 Rondels. By TENNIS AFTER A FANCY DRESS BALL. By Eoax Mew. (Illustrated by Mavzice “ = taunen oa Garirrennacen.) ER LONCER LOO!” By Sr. Cram THE FINDING OF TWE WHITE CAT. By a steed —y* alin ERNOON. Duptey masns FACES. By We. Ancurn. _ ad BY atte by F. Towxsuxp A LOVE CAME. By Sr. Cram Simons. In Lighter Vein: Full-! A Last Good-Bye. BY | The late Sir H. A. Uustrations by Pu Cuapwe.. Sutra. Layard. Portrait. AY, Mavaroe Gauwrexs- A Chat with ite. I. at emo: Sisters of nacex, James Ganio, L. Zan ustrated. Raves Hus, and Faep Philoegpns Tlustrated. Ce ALL. osophy in Slippers. om Academy Headache. F. Base. - yming Llustrated. The Jilting of Jane. A Yale v. Oxford. Reminiscence of the _ Love Story. The Regatta Season. Universit Cricket | Love and Cpronclogy. Illustrated. Match. ted. Tust. by E. J. Suturvax. | About the Brontés. May be obtained of all N. ts and at all Railway Bookstalls. The Price Remains Unchanged, SIXPENCE. Bn A, ithin the UNITED SEP, flee mem. SIXPEN es ab ee PARCEL POST, Tubes to Protect the no Coloured THIRD EDITION, NOW READY. THE SUMMER NUMBER (AUGUST, No. 16) OF THE PALL MALL MAGAZINE, Edited by Lord FREDERIC HAMILTON, M.P., and Sir DOUGLAS STRAIGHT, iS NOW READY. 224 Pages, Profusely Illustrated, and Three Photogravure Plates. PRICE ONE SHILLING. POST FREE, ONE SHILLING AND FIVEPENCE. The Summer at ween contains :— ARTICLES BY STORIES BY DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH, on Blenheim ana | LADY GWENDOLEN CECIL, entitied The Little its Memories. | Ka RONALD GOWER, Lord Carlisle's Reminis- | | BEATRICE KIPLING (MRS. FLEMING), The Little VISCOUNT WOLSELEY, K.P., | HENRY HERMAN, The Golden Scytheman. apoleon FRANK R. STOCKTON, " DR. , Anarchism, Old and New | R , Pomene's Travels. | Copenhagen and other Famous Hattle Ho WILLIAM WALDORF ASTOR, Rui the Priest. res L ZANGWILL, W ithout Prejudice. PERCY REEVE, Revelations of » Shirt-Cuff. OTHER CONTRIBUTIONS BY CHRISTIAN BURKE, THOMAS BAILEY ALDRICH, an Andromeda. entitled Through Blazoneé THE I ’ mw. nobEN HOR Ok NORMAN GALE, To My Country Love. + Lees. » 4 - Gardens “Le . = R. SAUBER, Music Music and Literature. And another BARRACK-ROOM BALLAD, by RUDYARD KIPLING, entitled :— “BACK TO THE | ARMY AGAIN.” The Summer Number al: also. Contains Three Photogravures: “THE THRESHOLD OF LIFE,” after Hexxen. | 1g IT YES?” after Beawarzix. “YUM YUM,” after Sua. Every Article is Profusely Mustrated by the Leading Artists, Publishing and Editorial Offices: 18, CHARING CROSS ROAD, LONDON, W.C. —s3gq | Printed by William Stuart of No. %, Road, Holloway, in the Parish of Mary Ofices of new. & Co., Limited, im the County of Middlesex. at the » . PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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=

THE HOLIDAY SEASON. 6” Mr. Punch’s Pictures make a pleasant and agreeable holiday companion, who is always in humour. Order from your Bookseller the Numbers Published, and take them with you. PIGTURES FR 11 Nos. Published. PRICE SIXPENCE BACH.

om “PUNCH”

> « ay WwW [| > -) WwW o i} w AT Bi @ J o > a a Cp Wi i y — \e 1 my Hp , —— a i 5) —S nee al tit iy! hi en. ee ‘ i pie — . ; 7 hye \ad 1 MUM, Wingy , fips . a ll 4)) - .] Vy i vi a ‘s HH ' = | + : } Sy ANY 4 ; y au > C4 Hl “(py UNE am Ne SH SES (+ 4S N® 2769. VOLUME —— t{} } "of | : Hil \\ ; My ‘i ae, Fis. SY, (i) I Ss) ai U th = f af wi Mi Hier oe ZS \ RAP ns» \. AA 4 Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. A = ae: et Ye —— Ss «SF PU AS Be OL Yio u PITT RATILS. oe in ee LL PRICE THREE PENCE.

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. Uailinnnal™ ame

TABLE WATERS AS SUPPLIED TO THE QUEEN. SCHWEPPES Carriage paid to any address if ordered through ene of the Agents of the Company. SODA, SELTZER, &c, IN BOTTLES, SPLITS, AND SYPHONS.

Will in no case we returned, be no eacepticn rule there wil be or Pictures of any . To this unications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, panied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wra not even when accom Ge” NOTICE.— Rejected Comm

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PUNCH, OR THE. LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 4, 1894. RIENT COMPANY'S | YACHTING SMOKE THE CELEBRATED RUISES by the ste amshipe LUSITAN(A, ‘ 157 tous register, and GAKONNE, 376 tong ; register, leaving London as under, and Grantog two o— later >—For NORWAY and 8'\ 17 BEKG? ist Aug. for 33 days. For SOUTHt ky NOKWAY and COPENHAGEN, Zind Aug fe f f 12 rr For the MEDITERRANEAN, lth Sept | for 39 daye String band, clectric light, electric ells, hot and cod baths, high-class cuisine > Managers FP. Green and Co., and Ande neon Anderson, and Co. Head Offices, : enchurch Ave ue. landon. For passage apply to the latter firm, si , Fenchurch Avenue, E.C., or to the West Kad SWEETENED TOBACCO, © | MMaa FOR BREAKFAST. _|havhitin,it Gutipordeys AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS: BRIGHTON AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. RICHMOND CAVENDISH ~ 8k Gt Day Gonsumerien, 50 Tons. HOTEL METROPOLE Co., Lto., SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. most luxurious | — — - a Seaside | Hotel in the OWN ALL OVER TILE WORLD AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL, And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. TURKISH PASTILS /Tnauermenssouce} | f MAPPIN & WEBB'S a of the Harem smoking Narghilés at Stam boul. Aftersmoking a sweet aromatic Pasti) | s used, which imparts an odour of fower to the breath, I have seen these Pastils TABLE KNIVES | Shop "— Lady v. Me ’ \\ Ladies who admire a‘ Breath of Flowers should take a Pasti night and morning . ° SAMUEL BROTHERS. DIAMOND The most Effective Skin SCHOOL OUTFITS. Purifying and Beautifying | com edeunt ORNAM E NTS. Soap in the World. fully tne fteamtmapeetion The Choicest Quality { their Showreoms by ; Parente and Guardians in the World. TMaad Mosk, eoresiog =| ie e:| COLOSMITHS COMPANY, | /IWMEAUISSINILELeAL ' , or Private Col for Toilet, Bath, and cecabvemense of Tetehe Show Rooms : 112, RECENT ST., W. eee, Vecatiane. Per and Noys have very a y less ; Will re- Nursery. mesgynem cnmest the (Apsoinine Sreaeoscoric Courant.) duce 2 to 5 Ib c of - Messrs . UBL —iaee OH Quenun a sr - a week; acts Sold throughout the World. ae Li te Perfect Fit. Guaranteed Woar. > S& on the food in Fr. NEWRERY @& SONS, 1, King result that this import Bee stomach, pre r Kdward Stree London, E.G ant epectenens of Vets y ry: THE y & N , a "couversion - ones menai: 33 panne J into - So BREAKFAST OR SUPPER. site “Uvencenc. | VaR ere ee ast Hosiery, Boots, &c., is via PATENT DIAGONAS ond stamp Sor pamphlet. E Pp P 7 3 %S fly mét, and’ durable Ya il SEAM CORSETS. BOTANIC MEDICINE C0.,3, NEW OXFORD 8r., W.C. . PATTERNS AND nortearinkhe Patee tne | BAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND CRATEFUL—COMFORTING. tiectol end est.) TALOGUE free on most comfortable corset ts ever made.’ Lapy's Picr Fother o(Szeare, iy. suptention. Made in W hite, Black, and J s all the fashionable Colours C O C O A SAMUEL BROTHERS, aud Shades, or Italian Cloth, Menenavr Tastons, Ovrerrrgas, &c, Je Satin, and Coutil, also in BOILING WATER OR MILK. 66 & 67, LUOCATE E.c. M , } Hay’ gt eh Age - - —- Workshops: Pigri ; ode” Ladgate Hill; , rpair,and upwards. Sold me | yon oF Pie Anos 's Inn Road a the P 1D 4 uy rine a a | and 46, Gray 4 - and Lodtes Outi ters inthe COLDEN BRONZE HAIR Tunes Geto Mapats. united kingdom & colonies. aon 2 The lovely nuance “Chatain Fonete” can ~ Black Handle, 5s.6d. Ivory Handle, 7s. 6d. lanparted to Hair fan) colour by using ARINE A Pr., Ivory Handles, in Rus.leather case,21s. only by W. bbe MK, 2, Oxtord St., London Price bs. 6d, 10s. 6d., Zi. For or Laded From all Perfumers and Lealers. - Mair AMINE is iavabeall 7 Wholesale: Ossoane, Gannett, & Co., London, W. | ARE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER.| PINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. BEDFORD _ TO SMOKERS. _ | Oe Tae eae” 1 BALING PRESSES} | [08.DE DINDIGUL, inte r Suid thtoughout the Werld. ronounce them better than Havannahs.”—W os », aha dec. 9, 1601. Noxes of 100, 22s. and Ws. (two sizes —__ + Samples (4 and 5), ls., post free 12 stamps. BEW! AY, >, NON-MEKCURIAL The BEST and SAFEST OY.’S ARTICLE for CLEANING SILVER, ELECTRO an Ny at PLATE, &c. SIX GOLD MEDALS whe 49 & 74, Strand, & 143, Cheapside, Londow. Est. 7 Sold everywhere, in Noxes, |+., Ir. 6d, and te, 6d. Myrtle Grove) AGOOR Cools, soothes, and refreshes the face and hands in hot weather, removes i OBACCO kles, Tan, Sunburn, Redness and s > =~ —o nea’? L ngpee FOR PIPE OR CIGARETTE. ings, Irritation, &e., produces #0 FAIR SKIN Tacked in embossed foil packets and tins only. 4 and a lovely delicate. complexion Manufaetured from selected Leaf and guaranteed absolutely Pure Warranted ng ny on leaden poisons. 4s. Gd. Sold everywhere. ~ Aas, --

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and rious ide Avoust 4, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49 SPORT FOR RATEPAYERS. — August 1st.—Deer- in Victoria Park commences. 2nd.—Distribution of venison to ‘* Progressive” County Councillors and their families—especially to Alder- men. 3rd. — Stalking American | bison in the Sees S- used grave- 1s permi from this day. A staff of -_ F as _— will be, outside the palings. 4th.—Chamois-coursing in er cote | i. P .—A few rogue ants having been ingested eae siderable expense to the rates), and located in the Regent's | Park, the Chairman of the| L. C. C., assisted by the Park- | keepers, will give an exhibi- | tion of the method employed | / in snaring them. The ele-| ‘ } gee in the Zoological Gar- ens will be expected to assist, 6th.—__ Bank Holiday.— Popular festival on eo Heath. Two herds of red deer will be turned on to the Heath at different points, and three or four Hengal procured man-eating Bengal tigers will be let loose at the Flag-staff to pursue them. Visitors may hunt the deer or the tigers, whichever they prefer. Ex- press rifles recomme F ( 1 the use of bullet-proof coatse.| Andrew (preparing to divide the orange). ‘‘ Witt you cnoose THe Bio friends? ‘O TiLLerr not in No dynamite to be employed | HaLr, Gzorciz, OR THE WEE HALF!” Gath!” And Little Ben may against the tigers. mbu-| George. ‘‘’Covrnse I'LL cHoosk THE Bic HALF.” say to himself, “I'll wait lances in the Vale of Health.| Andrew (with resignation), ‘‘Taen I'LL JusT HAVE TO MAKE ‘EM EVEN.” | TILL-ETT’s over.” => some of the tallest The Council’s Band, up , trees, will perform musical selec- tions, Tth.—Races at Wormwood Scrubbs between the Council's own ostriches and leading cycliste. A force of the Al ivision of the Metropolitan Police, mounted on some of the reindeer from the enclosure at Spring Gardens, will be sta- ‘tioned round the ground to |prevent the ostriches es- jcaping into the adjoining | country. | 8th.—BSale of ostrich feathers (dropped in the contests) to West-End bonnet-makers at Union prices. 9th.— Grand review of all the Council's animals on Clapham Common. Procession through streets (also at Union rate). Banquet on municipal venison, tiger chops, elephant steaks, and ostrich wings at Spring Gardens. Progressive fireworks. RATHER A CHANGE —~ FOR THR BaTTeER.—They (the dockers) wouldn’t listen to Ben Trnierr. They cried out to him, ‘We keep you | and starve ourselves.” Hullo! the revolt of the sheep! are they beginning to think that their leaders and instigators are after all not their best LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. V.—Scnoor, “A Distant View.” “Distance lends enchantment” — kindly Distance ! Wiping out all troubles and disgraces, How we seem to cast, with your assistance, All our boyish lines in pleasant places ! Greek and Latin, st les mathematic, These were worries leaving slender traces ; Now we tell the boys (we wax emphatic) How our lines fell all in pleasant places. How we used to draw (immortal Wackford ’) Eccuip's figures, more resembling faces, Surreptitiously upon the black-board, Crade yet telling lines in pleasant places. Pleasant places! That was no misnomer. Impositions ?—little heed seape-graces ; Writing out a book or so of Homer, Even those were lines in pleasant places ! How we scam o'er the country, leading Apoplectic farmers pretty chases, Over crops, through fences all unheeding, Stiff cross-country lines in pleasant places. Yes, ~ how—too soon youth's early day ies— In the purling brook which seaward races How we used to poach with luscious May-flies, Casting furtive lines in pleasant places. Then the lickings! _ seorning Girlish outery, though we made grimaces ; Only smiled to tind ourselves next morning Somewhat marked with lines in pleasant places ! How we took them, Alma Mater, whether young or olden, Thanks to you for hosts of friendly faces, Treasured memories, days of boyhood golden, Lines that fell in none but pleasant places ! LONDON BICYCLISTS. (‘Mr. Asquirn said that he was informed by | the Chief Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police that undoubtedly numerous accidents were caused by bicycles and tricycles, though he was not pre- pared to say from the cause of the machines passing on the near instead of the off side of the road. Bicycles and tricycles were carriages, and should conform to the rules of the road, and the police, as far as possible, enforced the law as to riding to the common danger.”’—Daily Graphic, July 25.) Rounp the omnibus, past the van, Rushing on with a reckless reel, Darts that horrible nuisance, an Ardent cyclist resolved that he ’ll Ride past everything he can, Heed not woman, or child, or man, Beat some record, some ride from Dan To Beersheba ; that seems his plan. Why does not the Home Office London fiends of the whirling wheel ? Let them ride in the country so, Dart from Duncansbay Head to Deal, Shoot as straight as the flight of crow, Sweep as swallow that seeks a meal, We don’t care how the deuce they go, But in thoroughfares where we know Cyclists, hurrying to and fro, ake each ble man their foe, Riders, walkers alike cry ‘‘ Whoa! Stop these fiends of the whirling And the same mill, wheel!” VOL, CVIL, | ODE ON SACRIFICE. | Amrp the glowing pageant of the year | There comes too soon th’ inevitable shock, | That token of the season sere, To the unthinking fair so cheaply dear, _ | Who, like to shipwreck’d seamen, do it hail, | And ery, “A Sale ! a Sale! A Sale! a Summer Sale of Surplus Stock !’’ | See, how, like busy-humming bees | Around the ineffable fragrance of the lime, | Woman, unsparing of the salesman’s time, Reviews the stock, and chaffers at her ease, Nor yet, for all her talking, purchases, | But takes away, with copper-bulgéd purse, | The textile harvest of a quiet eye, = bargains still unbought, and power to uy. Or she, her daylong, garrulous labour dune, Some victory o’er reluctant remnants won, Fresh from the trophies of her skill, | Things that she needed not, nor ever will, She takes the well-earned bun ; | Ambrosial food, Demerenr erst design’d As the app food of womankind, Plain, or with comfits deck’d and spice ; Or, daintier, dallies with an ice. Nor feels in heart the worse Because the haberdashers thus disperse Their surplus stock at an astounding sacrifice ' | Yet Contemplation pauses to review The destinies that meet the silkworm's care, The fate of fabrics whose materials grew In the same fields of cotton or of flax, Or waved on fellow-flockmen’s fleecy backs, | m, case, emporium, | shelf, did share.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avousr 4, 1894. |

h i iA 1 Nl | & r -\ s Wi ~~ Si. : TERS v7 j hh, MT {| y i Q ih, i MU ctce CMAN Pop \\\ ‘ NS Ps NS o. hg! . A GR ss : Rs XK . ake toile tA” +34 a mah? ie): a faa ive | \ a it is wey oe A \ s ‘ \ \ - bs ‘ ” A ¢ \ 1) TY ) Y, Ai ii 4 Mi, *% 4 \ WAY 's : ‘\\) K v ) KN \ nnn ! = Sx FZ = Z 3 y = == te 4s = > @ax Fa = Aq 7 ue ia ees = MMi fife 2 SZ Ae a /// /, . s iy =X : \ 2S We \; = \ \ WSN | : S . \ WS . NM, \ XY ‘ amie TET MWS Qa WwW KF Oo =) Qa 2 ° oO > a a a z °o ” c W a

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Avavust 4, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. oor Go-. | ** ADDING INSULT,” &c. ScenE—Hunters cantering round Show Ring. Youth on hard-mouthed Grey (having just cannoned against old Twentystun), ‘‘'Scusz me, StR,—'BLIGED TO Dd IT. NoruHinG Less THAN A HAYSTACK sTOPs HIM!” THE RIDER’S VADE MECUM. (For Use in Rotten Row.) Question. What part of London do you consider the most dan- gerous for an equestrian ? Answer. That part of the Park known as Rotten Row. Q. Why is it sodangerous? — , A. Because it is overcrowded in the Season, and at all times im- perfectly kept. Q. What do you mean by “ imperfectly kept” ? A, I mean that the soil is not free from bricks and other impedi- | ments to comfortable and tafe riding. Q. Why do you go to Rotten Row ? : A. Because it is the most convenient place in London fur the resi- | dents of the West End. Q. But would not Battersea Park do as well ? A, It is farther afield, and at present, so far as the rides are con- | cerned, given over to the charms of solitude. Q. And is not the Regent’s Park also available fur equestrians ? A, Tosome extent ; but the roads in that rather distant pleasaunce are not comparable for a moment with the ride within view of the Serpentine. @. Would a ride in Kensington Gardens be an advantage ? | A, Yes, to some extent; still it would scarcely be as convenient | as the present exercising ground. , : Q. Then you admit that there are (and might be) pleasant rides other than Rotten Row? ; ; A, Certainly; but that fact does not dispense with the necessity of reform in existing institutions. Q. Then you consider the raising of other issues is merely a plan to confuse and obliterate the original contention ? A. Assuredly; and it is a policy that has been tried before with success to obstructors and failure to the grievance-mongers. Q. So as two blacks do not make one white you and all believe that Rotten Row should be carefully — and the causes of the recent accidents ascertained and remedi 4.1 do , am convinced that such a course would be ; ’ f for the benefit of the public in general and riders in Rotten Row in particular. “ PERSONALLY CONDUCTED.” ’Tis a norrible tale I’m a-going to narrate ; It happened—vell, each vone can fill in the date! It’s a heartrending tale of three babbies so fine. Whom to spifflicate promptly their foes did incline. Ven they vos qvite infants they lost their mamma ; They vos left all alone in the vorld vith their pa. But to vatch o'er his babbies vos always Ais plan— (Chorus) — ’Cos their daddy he vos sich a keerful old man! He took those three kiddies all into his charge, And kep them together so they shouldn’t ** go large,” Two hung to his coat-tails the hard track And the third one, he clung to his neck pick-a-back. The foes of those kiddies they longed for their bleed, And they swore that to ’em he shouldn’t succeed, But to save them poor babbies he hit on a plan— ( Chorus)— ’Cos their dadda he vos sich a artful old man! Some hoped, from exposure, the kids would ketch cold, And that croup or rheumatics would lay ’em in the mould ; But they seemed to survive every babbyish disease, Vich their venomous enemies did not qvite please, But, in course, sich hard lines did the kiddies no good ; They got vet in the storm, they got lost in the vood, But their dad cried, ** I’ll yet save these kids if I ean ! ’’— ( Chorus)— ’Cos their feyther he vos sich a dogged old man ! Foes hoped he'd go out of his depth,—or his mind,— Or, cutting his stick, leave his babbies behind, Ven they came to the margin of a vide roaring stream. And the kids, being frightened, began for to scream. But he cries, cheery like, “ Stash that hullabulloo! Keep your eye on your father, and ug’ ll pull you through! !” Vich some thinks he rill do—if any von can— ( Chorus ’Cos Sir Vittyvm he is sich a wttiiant old man!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 4, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. 4 Story in Scenes.) PART V.—CROSS-PURPOSES. Scene VI.—A First-Class Compartment, Lady Maisie (to herself). Poets don’t seem to have much self- possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like that. If only he doesn’t lose his head completely and say something about my wretched letter ! Spurrell to Aimee if . I ‘d better tell "em before they find out for themselves. (Aloud; des- perately.) My lady, II feel I cught to explain at once how I come to - going down to Wyvern like this. Lady Marsie SU PPeBsses a only just terrified protest, Lady amused), My there ’s not the slightest necessity, I am perfectly aware of who you are, and everything about you! Spur Pe ¢ Cantire (he nignly good Sir, incredulously % But really I don't see how your ladyship Why, I haven't said a word that Lady Cant. (with a solemn waggishness), Celebrities who mean to preserve their incognito shouldn’t allow their friends to see them off. I maggunes to hear a certain Andromeda mentioned, and that was quite enough for Me! Spurr. lo hi naself, re- lieved). She knows ; seen the sketch of me in the Dog Fancier, | expect; goes in for breeding Palle herself, very likely. Well, that’s a load off my mind! (Alond.) You don't say so, my lady. I’d no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way; most agreeable sur- prise to me, I can assure you! Lady Cant. I see no rea- son for surprise in the matter. I have always endeavoured to cultivate my taste in all directions: to keep in touch with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and everything. Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid glance at most things ; but I hope some day to be able to have another look at your Andromeda, | hear the most glowing ac- counts from all the judges. Spurr. (to himself). She knows all the judges! She | must be in the fancy ! | (Aloud, Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be proud and happy to bring her round for your inspection. Lady Cant with condescension). If vou are kind enough to | offer me a copy of Andromeda, I shall be most pleased to possess one, Spurr. (to himself). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush m« for a pup. J never offered her one! (Aloud. ell, as to that, my lady, I’ve promised so many already, that really 1 don’t—but there —I'll see what I ean do for you. I'll make a note of it; you mustn't mind having to swait a bit. : Lady Cant. (raising her eyebrows), port existence in the meantime. Lady Maisie (to herself). 1 couldn't have believed that the man who could write such lovely verses should be so—well, not exactly a gentleman! How petty of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps see I will make an effort to sup- “ Searching every pocket but the mght one.” geniuses never are. And as if it mattered! And I’m sure he’s very natural and simple, and I shall like him when I know him. [ The train slackens. Lady Cant. What station is this? Oh, it ss Shuntingbridge. (To SPURRELL, as they get out.) Now, if you’ll kindly take c e of these bags, and go and see whether there ’s anges from Wyvern to meet us—you will find us here when you come back. Scexe VII.—On the Platform at Shuntingbridge. Lady Cant. Ah; there you are, Pumiirson! Yes, you can take the jewel-case ; and now you had better go and see after the trunks. Pattison Aurries back to the luggage-ran ; SPURRELL returns.) ell, Mr.—I always forget names, so shall you ‘** ANpRoMEDA” —have you found—— The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and we’ll get in. [ They go outside, a af another part of the platform — to himself). Where has Miss Mott disap to? Oh, there she is, pointing out her luggage. at a quan- tity she travels with! Can't be such a rery poor relation. How graceful and collected she is, and how she orders the porters about! I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. (Zo a porter.) at’s mine—the brown one with a white star. I want it to go to Wyvern Court—Sir Rupert CULVERIN’S. Porter (shouldering it). Right, Sir. Follow me, if you please. [ He disappears with it. Und. (to himself). I mustn’t leave Miss MULL alone. (Advancing to her.) Can I be of any assistance ? Phillipson, It’s all done now. ut you might try and find out how we’re to get to the Court. | UNDERSHELL departs ; is re- quested to produce his ticket, and spends several minutes in searching erery pocket but the right one. Scene VIIL.—TZhe Station Yard at Shuntingbridge. Lady Cant. (from the interior of the Wyrern om- nibus, testily, to Footman). What are we waiting for now? Is my maid coming with us—or how ? Footman, There’s a fly ordered to take her, my lady. Lady Cant, (to SPuRRELL, who is standing below}, Then it’s you who are keeping us! Spurr. If your ladyship will excuse me, I’ll just go and see if they’ve put out my , Lady Cant. (impatiently), Never mind about your bag. (To Footman.) What have you done with this gentleman's luggage ? Footman. Everything for the Court is on top now, my lady. [ He opens the door for SPURRBELL. Lady Cant. (to Spcrrett, who is still irresolute), For goodness’ sake don’t hop about on that step! Come in, and let us start. Lady Maisie. Please get in—there’s plenty of room ! Spurr. (to himself). They are chummy, and no mistake! (Aloud, | as he gets in.) I do hope it won't be considered any intrusion—my | coming up along with your ladyships, I mean! Lady Cant. (snappshly). Intrusion! I never heard such non- sense! Did you expect to be asked to run behind? You really mustn't be go ridiculously modest. As if your Andromeda hadn't | procured you the entrée everywhere! The omnibus starts. '” Spurr. (to himself). Good old Drummy! No idea I was such a

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Avoust 4, 1894. ao —S Gg | LEELA SS ATS SL PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A —_—_ “THE LITTLE MORE AND HOW MUCH IT IS.” She (engaged to another). ‘‘ Wk DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING ON VERY WELL ; SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WEIGHING Ts DOWN !” He (gloomily), *‘Ir’s tHat Ditamonp aND SapputRe RING ON YOUR LEFT HAND. WE SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT!” swell. I'll keep my, tail up. Shyness ain’t one of my failings. (Aloud to an indistinct mass at the further end of the omnibus, which ts unlighted.) Er—hum—pitch dark night, my lady, don’t get much idea of the country! (Zhe mass makes no response.) | was saying, my lady, it’s too dark to—— (The mass snores peacefully.) Her ladyship seems to be re a snooze on the quiet, | lady. (To Lady Marste.) (70 himself.) Not that that’s the word for it! Lady Maisie (distantly). My Mother gets tired rather easily. (Zo herself.) It’s really too dreadful; he makes me hot all over! If he’s going to do this kind of thing at Wyvern! And I’m more or less responsible for him, too! I must see if I can’t—— It will be only kind. (Aloud, nervously.) Mr.—Mr. Buiare! Spurr. Excuse me, my lady, not BL4iR—SPuRReELL. Lady Maisie. Of course, how stupid of me. I knew it wasn’t really your name. Mr. Spurrgzt, then, you—you won’t mind if I give you just one little hint, will you ? Spurr. 1 shall take it kindly of your ladyship, whatever it is. ady Maisie (more nervously still), It’s really such a trifle, but— but, in speaking to Mamma or mé, it isn’t at all necessary to say ‘my lady’ or ‘ your ladyship.’ a mean, it sounds rather, well— formal, don’t you know ! Spurr. (to himself), She’s going to be chummy now! (Aloud.) | thought, on a first acquaintance, it was only manners. Lady Maisie. Oh—manners? yes, I—I daresay—but still—but still—not at Wyvern, don’t you know. If you like, you can call Mamma ‘ Lady CantTrIRg,’ ade * Lady Matsiz,’ and, of course, my Aunt will be ‘ Lady Cutverty,’ but—but if there are other people staying in the house, you needn’t call them anything, do you see ? Spurr. (to himself). 1’m not likely to have the chance! (Aloud.) ell, if you’re sure they won’t mind it, because I’m not used to this sort of thing, so I put myself in your hands,—for, of course, you know what brought me down here ? Lady Maisie (to herself). He means my foolish letter! Oh, I must put a stop to that at once! (In a hurried undertone.) Yes— yes; I—I think I do, but please forget 1t—indeed you must ! Spurr. (to himself). Forget I’ve come down as a vet ? The Cut- VERINS will take care I don't forget that! (Aloud.) But, I say, it’s all very well; but how can I ? Why, look here ; I was told I was to come down here on purpose to —. Lady Maisie (on thorns). I know--you needn't tell me! And don’t speak so loud! Mamma might hear! Spurr. (puzzled). What if she did? Why, I thought her la— your Mother knew ! Lady Maisie (to herself). He actually thinks I should tell Mamma! I mean, I do know—but Oh, how dense he is! (Aloud.) Yes—yes—of course she knows — but—but you might wake her! And—and please don’t allude to it again—to me or—or anyone. (Zo herself.) That 1 should have to beg him to be silent like this! But what can I do? Goodness only knows what he mightn’t say, if I don’t warn him! Spurr. Meee ae I don’t mind who knows. J’m not ashamed of it, Lady Marstze—whatever you may be! Lady Maisie (to herself, ex ated), He dares toimply that J’ve done something to be schamel of! (Aloud ; haughtily.) 1'm not ashamed—why should I be? Only—oh, can’t you really understand | that—that one may do things which one wouldn’t care to be re- minded of publicly ? I don’t wish it—ien’t that enough ? Spurr. (to himself), 1 see what she’s at now—doesn’t want it to come out that she’s travelled here witha vet! (Aloud, stifiy.) A lady’s wish is enough for me at any time. If you’re | sorry for having gone out of your way to be friendly, why, I’m not the person to take advantage of it. I hope I know how to behave. [He takes refuge in offended silence. Lady Maisie (to herself). Why did I say anything atall! I ’veonly made things worse—I've let him see that he has an advantage. And he’s certain to use it sooner or later—unless I am civil to him. I’ve offended him now—and I shall have to make it up with him ! Spurr, (to himself), 1 thought all along she didn’t seem as chummy as her mother—but to turn on me like this ! Lady Cant. (waking up). Well, Mr. Awpromepa, I should have thought you and my daughter might have found some subject in common; but I haven’t heard a word from either of you since we left the station. Lady Maisie (to herself). That’s some comfort! (Aloud.) You must have had a nap, Mamma, We—we hare been talking. Spurr, Oh yes, we have been talking, I can assure you—er CantTire ! Lady Cant, Dear me. entertaining ? Lady Maisie. M-most entertaining, Mamma! Lady Cant, I’m quite sorry I missed it. (Zhe omnibus stops.) Wyvern at last! But what a journey it’s been, to be sure! Spurr. (to himself). 1 should just think it had, I’ve never been so taken u ut down in all my life! But it’s over now; and, thank g« ’m not likely to see any more of ’em ! {He gets out with alacrity. Lady Well, Marste, I hope the conversation was ness, Mes. R. has often had a cup of tea in a storm, but she cannot for the life of her see how there can possibly be a storm in a tea-cup. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Averst 4, 1894. nh ee 'p 4. * Hostess. ‘‘ You 'V® EATEN HARDLY ANYTHING, Mr. Srupxins!” INFELICITOUS MISQUOTATIONS. Mr. S. ‘‘ My pear Lavy, I’ve Drvep ‘ wisgLy, BUT Nor TOO weLL!’” ! . _. paw anrer wee | To make the Corea a cock-pit, young Jappy, THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT. | May suit you, or even that huge Cochin- [*Russia’s love of peace is outweighed by her Ch ; duty to safeguard her vital interests, which would seriously suffer were Japan or China to modify the present state of things in Corea.” — Official Russian view of the Corean situation, given by “ Daily Telegraph ” Correspondent at St. Petersburg.) Bruin, loquitur. ‘“* Dury to safeguard my interests?” Quite so! Nice way of putting it, yes, and so moral! Yet I love Peace! Pity game-cocks will fight so! Distigures their plumes and their combs’ healthy “‘ coral.’”’ Big Cochin-China and Bantam of Jap Feel at each other they must have a slap. Cock-a-doudle-do-o-o-0 |!!! I must keep a sharp eye on the two! | ina ; But—fighting you know always makes me unhappy. I feel, ie poor Villikins robbed of his inah, Asif I could swallow a cup of ‘‘ cold pison.”’ But—still—these antagonists I must keep eyes on. Cock-a-doodle-do-o-0-o0 ! ! ! We Gives one *‘ repose’’—like that Blacksmith of Loneretiow ! Go it, young Jap! That last drive was a Humph! beauty. fell Peace, now! She is such a loveable darling ! | ellow. eace, now xe ¢s such a loveable darling Little bit slow at first, sluggish and lum- Goddess I worship in rapt contemplation. Spurring and crowing, and snapping and snarling, Wholly unworthy a bird—or a nation! Still there is Duty! I have an idea Mine lies in watching this fight in Corea. Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o0-o ! !! Bux yonder looks in a bit of a stew ! ring, But when he makes a fair start there’s no slumbering. Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o ! !! Sakes! How his new steel spurs shone as he flew! Now, should I stop it, or should I take sides ? But and the other onlookers seem fidgety ! ’ Some say my destiny pointeth due North, Ped - : lee-caves are all very well—for a winter- | Cochin strikes hard, but indulges in ‘* wides” ; rest. | Game-cock is game—though a little mite But Brurn ’s fond of adventuring forth ; _. midgety. In the “ Far East” be feels quite a warm | Well, whate’er the end be, and whichever interest : _ win, feut in. Bowt doesn’t like it at all. But then Brix |! think the game’s mine, when I choose to Fancies that no one should feed when Ae’s full! Cock-a-doodle-do-0-0-0 | ! ! Cock-a-doodle-do-0-0-0 srs | I’m safe for a dinner—off one of the two! I am still hungry, and love chicken-stew ! [Left considering and chortling. | Cockfighting is cruel,—but stirring fun, too! | Duty, gees boys! Ah! there’s nothing like ut | Away with the scissors! But—your opponent’s an awfully strong | THE WAR CRY. Dedicated (without permission) to the Pioneer Clid ) RKovsr ye, ye women, and flock to your banners! War is declared on the enemy, Man! If we can’t teach him to better his manners, We'll copy the creature as close as we can! No longer the heel of the tyrant shall grind us. Rouse ye and rally! The despot defy! And the false craven shall tremble to find us Resolved to a woman to do or to die. Chorus. Then hey! for the latchkey, sweet liberty’s symbol ! Greet it, ye girls, with your lustiest cheer! Away with the thimble! And hey nonny no for the gay Pioneer! Why should we writhe on a clumsy side-saddle Designed on a most diabolical plan ? Women! submit yenolonger! Ride straddle, And jump on the corns of your enemy, Man! Storm the iniquitous haunts of his pleasure, Leave him to nurse the dear babes when they fret, Dine at St. James’ in luxurious leisure, And woo the delights of the sweet cigarette! Look to your latchkeys! The whole situation Upon the possession of these will depend. Use them, ye women, without hesitation, And dine when ye will with a gentleman riend. Man’s a concoction of sin and of knavery— Women of India, China, Japan! Rouse ye, and end this inglorious slavery ! Down with the tyrant! Down, down with the Man!

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——- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avovusr 4, 1894. SWAIN Bu —— SSS . e- BN SAQnws: ~ ma. = = THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT. Brury. ‘HA !—WHICHEVER WINS, I SEE MY WAY TO A DINNER!”

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Avueusr 4, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 57 THE BANK HOLIDAY DREAM BOOK. (Compiled by our Pet Pessimist, ) Ir you imagine that it will | be fine, and consequently that | you ean don the lightest of attire, you may be sure that it will be cold and wet, and ab- - steed unsuitable to travel- ing. If you fancy that you will enjoy a delightful visit to some intimate friends, you will find that you have had your journey to a spot ‘‘ten miles from any- where” for nothing, as your intended hosts have gone| abroad for the season, If you believe that you are seeing a favourite piece being plaved admirably at a West End theatre, you will discover that the programme wasaltered | four days ago, and that the | temple of the drama will not — until the autumn. you arrange to go abroad with a friend, you will quarrel with your acquaintance on the following morning, and dis- arrange your plans for a life- time. Lastly, if you dream that you have decided to give up —- about on a bank holi- ay to remain at home, you will see that it is better to follow your fancy, and avoid the risk of making a mistake by adven- turing to strange places and pastures new. iil THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY, | Sti. I HOPE YOU 'LL as | Magne est Veritas, et pre- BEFORE THAT!” ‘* WELL, GOOD-BYE FOR THE PRESENT, DEAReEsT ! QUITE WELL AND STRONG WHEN I CAN NEXT COME AND SEE you.” ‘On, I nope I SHALL BE WELL AND STRONG ENOUGH TO BE AWAY | | IN SHEER DELIGHT. (A Surrey Rondel.) In sheer delight I sing the country’s praise. The town no longer takes me day or night. *Mid scented roses one should loil and laze In sheer delight. The corn fields unto harvest glisten white, In pastures lowing kine con- tented graze. Per train (South-Eastern) now to wing bis flight No lover of the Surrey side delays. My own case you suggest ? Of course you're right. Which p'r’aps explains why I to spend my days In Shere delight ! **Sortes AQuaTIC®”; or, Maxim For THE MAIDENHFAD Reoatta,— After a rattling race with Kitpy cf Staines (who was worn to a stand- still), and Comzn of Maiden- head (who pitched overboard), Verity of Weybridge easily retained the Upper Thames Single Punting Champion- ip. Why, cert’n’ly! What the old Latin saw? ralebit! Which (obviously) means :—(Great is Verity, and ‘he shall prevail ! LORD ORMONT’S MATE AND MATEY’S AMINTA. By G***GE M*R*D*TH. Vorvme II. Tue die was now a-casting. Hurtled though devious windings far from ordered realms where the Syntax Queen holds sway, spin- ning this way and that like the whipped box-wood beloved of youth but deadly to the gout-ridden toes of the home-faring Alderman, now sinking to a fall, now impetuously whirled on a devil-dance, clamorous as Cocytus, the lost souls filling it to the brink, at last the meaning glimmered to the eye—not that wherein dead time hung just above the underlids, but the common reading eye a-thirst for meanings, baffled again and again and drooping a soporific lid slowly, nose a-snore, and indolent mind lapped in slamber. ‘hey discussed it. ‘*Am I a Literary Causerie ?” breathed AmInTA. ** No, but food for such.” ** And if I am ?” she said. ‘*Turgidity masquerading as depth. tortured into symbolism ? ”’ ‘*T remain,” she insisted, ‘“*T go to Paris,” was his retort. ‘*My aunt stays with me.” ‘* Thank Heaven! ” he muttered. The design was manifest. Who should mistake it? For a fencer plays you the acrobat, a measure he, poised on a plum-box with jargon-mouth agape for what shall come to it. Is the man uncon- scious? The worse his fate. For the fact is this. All are Mere- dithians in dialogue, tarred with one brush abysmally plunged in the hot and steaming tank, a general tarred, a tarred tutor, a tarred sister, aunt reeking of the tar and General’s Doubtful Lady chin- deep in the compound, and no distinction. Clatter, crash, bang. Helter-skelter comes dashing Lady CHar- Lotre, a forest at her heels dragged in chains for all a neighbour may pout and fret and ride to hounds, She switched him a brat-face tter-down of an apology tamed to the net-ponds of a busk-madder, lue nose vermilion, mannish to the outside, breathing flames and scattering apish hop-poles like a hute blown into space by the bellows of a hugger-mugger ormity. ‘‘I can mew,” shé said. ‘Old women can ; it’s a way they have. The person you call... but no—I pass it. Was ever such follyinaman’ And that man my brother Rowstey. But you have seen her you de mi; Seforita, and the rest of the gibberish. Was ever cavalry general so say—a Spaniard— 4 What is ie colour ?” The question flicked him like a hansom’s whip, that plucks you out an optic, policeman in helmet looking on, stolid on the mum- chance. Out it goes at whip-end no remedy, blue, green, brown or bloodshot. Glass can imitate or porcelain, and a pretty trade ’s a-doing in these, making a man like two light-houses, one fixed as fate, the other revolving like the earth on its axis, ‘* Brown,” he answered, humbly. ‘* Morsrretp’s after her,” said Lady CuaRrtorre. ** Let him.” ** But he’s dangerous.” **T can trounce such, trick.” } ; A lady came moving onward, She bad that in her gait which showed command, her bonnet puckered to the front, a fat aunt | trailing behind. They came steadily. It was Amma with her aunt. Lord Ormont, his temper ablaze like his manuscript, thirty-four pages, neither more nor less, fortifications planned, advice given gratis to the loutish neglecting nation, stepped forward. ‘* You must remove her,” he declared to Weyrsury. ‘* But the aunt ?” questioned Marey. : ‘She must go too. See to it quickly!” He fell back, the irre- vocable quivering in his evebell, destiny mocking with careless glee, while Morsrretp and a bully-captain saw their chances and just missed the taking. i Away they clattered, Margy and Amita, leaving the Pacwewt to her passion-breathing MorsrieLp. Exp or Vor. II. Did it at school, and can remember the THE END OF THE OPERA SEASON. | Who knew so “‘ where he | he o- -peratical campaign can plan ‘ith sure success! no better man For operatic venture than Chorus (in unison), Avovetvs DrvnioLanus! All, The Opera time, &e, (as above). Solo and Chorus. are!” Tar Opera time began in May, And ended but last Saturday. We hope it has been made to pay Chorus. Aveusrus Drounto- LANUS! Solo. Not inthe days of Manto Was there an Impresario, Arranger of scenarw, Maxim ror Cyciists.—‘‘ Try-cycle before you Buy-cycle.”

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Aveusr 4, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. REAL ENJOYMENT. Non-Golfer (middle-aged, rather stout, who would like to play, and has been recommended it as healthy and amusing). ‘‘ Wei, 1 caxxor SEE WHERE THE EXCITEMENT COMES IN IN THIS GAME!” Caddie, ‘‘Eu, MON, THERE 8 MORE SWEARING USED OVER GOLF THAN ANY OTHER GAME! D'ye no ca’ THAT Excitement?” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of C ons, Monday, July 23.—Quite like old times to hear Tra Heaty saying a few plain things about landlords ; Prince ARTHUR replying IM growling out occasional contradiction ; whilst O’ Baten hotly interrupts. To make the reminiscence complete JoserH contributes a speech in which he heaps contumely and scorn on representatives of Irish nationality. Ti reminds him how different was his attitude, how, varied his voice, at epoch of Kilmainham Treaty. Tim has a rough but effective way of fastening upon a name or p , and even blatantly reiterating it. us, when OLD Moratiry, in his kindly manner, once alluded to a visit paid to him at a critical time by his “‘old friend Mr. Watrer,”’ Tr leaped down upon it, and, characteristically leaving out the customary a ion, filled the air with scornful reference to ‘* my old friend ALTER.” To-night, desiring to bring into sharp contrast Josern’s present attitude towards Ireland and the landlord party with that assumed by him twelve years ago, he insisted upon calling the Arrears Bill of 1882 ‘the Chamberlain Act.” It wasn’t Josern’s pp possession or invention any more than it was the SeurrE oF ALWOOD’s, But that way of putting it doubly suited Trw’s pur- | pose. It permitted him, without breach of order, to allude by name to the member for West Birmingham Also it accentuated the position ris-d-ris Ireland to which further reflection and honest conviction have brought the prime mover in the Kilmainham Treaty. Irish Members, forgetting their own quarrels with Ti as he fustigated the common ape roared with delight. A broad smile lighted up the serried ranks of the Li s. Prince ARTHUR wore a decorous look of sympathy with his wronged right hon. friend. The Duke of Devonsurme,—" late the Leader of the Liberal Party,” ~from the Peers’ Gallery cavenes the scene with stolid countenance. Josepn, orehid-decked, sat in his corner seat below the gangway, staring straight before him as one who saw not neither did he hear. usiness done.—Tim Healy goes on the rampage. Evicted Tenants Bill read second time. ; there’s a good deal in a name | when the syllables are hissed forth with infinite hate and scorn. | Tuesday.—As has been noted on an earlier occasion, Britannia has no bulwarks, no towers along her steep, It is, consequently, the more comforting to know that Extis AsumeaD-Bartiert (Knight) keeps his eye on things abroad as they affect the interests of British citizens, The Member for Sark telis me he has a faded copy of the Skibbereen Eagle containing its famous note of warning to Na PoLEon THE THIRD, Was published at time of the irruption of Colonels. | These gentlemen, sitting on boulevards sipping absinthe, used to twirl their moustache and—sacrrée /—growl hints of what they would do when they as conquerors walked down Piccadillee, and rioted in the riches of Leestar Square. Napoteon THe Turep did not escape suspicion of fanning this flame. Howbeit the Skibbereen Eagle came out one Saturday morning with a leading article commencing: ‘* We have our eye on NapoLeon THE Turrp, Emperor of the French.” Thus Ectis Asumeap-Bartiett (Knight) digs eagle claws into the aerie heights of the Clock Tower, and watches over the interests and cares of an Empire on which the sun rarely sets, ** All the kinder of him,” Sark says, “ since they cannot be said directly to concern him. in an effort to redress the balance between the Old World and the New, United States has lent us Asumxap. The temporary character of the arrangement makes only the more |generous his concern for the interests of the Empire in which he ges.” In the peculiar circumstances of the case those able Epwaxp Grey and Sypyey Buxtoy, might be a little less openly contemptuous in their treatment of the Patriotic Emigrant, | to say at which office door, Foreign or Colonial, Asumeap bangs his head with more distressful result. He takes them in succession, with dogged courage that would in anyone else excite admiration. Of the two janitors, perhaps Epwarp Grey's touch is the lightest. He | replies with a solemn gravity that puzzles AsHMEAD keeps him brooding till Srxaxer stays the laughter of the House by ‘calling on the next question. Buxtoy is more openly contemptuous, _more severely sarcastic, and sometimes, when AsHmEaD’s prattling, of no coneegnente in the House, might possibly have serious effect ‘when cabled to the Transvaal a Se think all Members of Parliament are responsible men, he y raps out. Between the yy men,

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| piace | up buat corner seat 60 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 4, 1894. | would be a reconnaissance in force led by the two the Patriot—made in Brooklyn, plated in Sheffield—has a bad time of it. Has long learned how much sharper than a serpent’s tooth is the tongue of an Under Secretary of State. Business done. —Second Reading of Equalisation of London Rates Bill moved. Thursday.—Lords took Budget Bill in hand to-night. Manrxiss asked for week’sinterval. This looked like fighting. At least there ARKISS. House full ; peerless Peeresses looked down from side gallery; Marxiss in his Devowsurre in his—not Chatsworth; that going to be shut below gangway: Rosenery hovering about, settled down at length in seat of Leader. Clerk read Orders of the Day. ‘“* Finance Bill second reading.” ‘‘ I move the Bill be read a | second time,” said Rosenery, politely taking his hat off to lady in gallery immediately opposite. Then he sat down. Here was a pretty go! Expected Pasmier would make brilliant | Sevrre oF MaLwoop would be | most oe pee arg view of his duty. speech in support of Bill; the Margiss would reply ; fireworks would fizz all round, and, though perhaps Budget Bil might be saved, Roserery takes oddest, The Lords, he said, when last week subject was mooted, have nothing to do with Budget Bill, unless indeed they are prepared to throw it out. “‘ Will you do that?” he asked. ‘‘ No,” said Marxrss, looking as if he would much rather say ‘* Yes.” ‘* Very well then,” said Rosrpery, “all speeches on the subject must be barren.” This to the Barons seemed lamentably personal. Rosesery illustrated his point by declining for his own part to make a speech. Still there was talk; mn speeches for three hours; audience gradually dwindling: only a few left to witness spectacle of Hatssvry’s blue blood boiling over with indignation at sacrilegious assault on landed aristocracy. ** If you want to make your flesh creep,” says Sarg, ‘‘ you should hear Hatssvury, raising to full height his majestic figure, throwing the shadow of his proudly aquiline profile fiercely on the steps of the Throne where some minions of the Government cowered, exclaim, ‘ My Lords, I detect in this Bill a hostile spirit towards the landed aristo- cracy. “A Harenvry! a Hatsevry!” menacingly muttered Feversnam ummelled. | and some other fiery crusaders. For the moment, so deeply was the assembly stirred, a conflict between the two Houses seemed imminent. But Black Rod coming to take away the Mace the tumult subsided, and Lord Hatssvry went home in a four-wheeler. Business done. — Budget read second time in Lords. Friday.—Scene in Commons quite changed ; properties remain but leading characters altered. After unprecedented run, Budget Bil withdrawn; Irish Evicted Tenants Bill now underlined on bills. Jonn Moriey succeeds the Squire; Irish Members take up the buzzing of the no longer Busy B's. As for the Seurre, he takes well-earned, though only comparative rest ; preparing for congratulatory feast spread for him next Wed- nesday. Like good boy whose work is done is now going to have his Three Good Boys, who, having done their Work, get their Dinner. Also Riery and Box Rep, who bore with him the heat and burden of the day. It’s a sort of Parliamentary Millennium. The CHANCELLOR or THE Excuegver sits down with the AtrorNnEr- dinner. uts his hand on the cockatrice’s Genera; the Soricrror-GenERAL Tommy Bowres); and Frank den (situate in the neighbourhood Locx woop has drawn them. Business done.—In Committee on Evicted Tenants Bill. Mns. R. observes in a newspaper that a man was summoned for “illegal distress.” She is much puzzled at this, as she thought Bogue wee a free country, where people might be as unhappy as they ! OUR CHARITY FETE. ELL, my dear Mr. Punch, you, who hear everything, will be glad to receive from me the particularsof our Annual Farewell Charity Féte, given this year at the Grafton Gallery for the excellent object of providing the un- deserving with pink carnations. it was a bazaar, a concert, and a fancy-dress ball, all ~ in one; everyone who is anyone was there, and as they were all in costume, nobody could tell who was who. It was indeed a very brilliant scene. I refused to hold a stall, for I had enough to do writing out autographs of celebrities they sell splendidly), but it was hard work, and there was an absurd fuss just because i made the trifling mistake of signing ‘‘ Yours truly, Georce Mereprtn” across a photograph of Axruvr Roserts. What did it matter? I really cannot see that it made the slightest difference ; the person had asked for an autograph of MerepirH and he got it, and a portrait of Ronerts into the bargain ! so he ought to have been satisfied; but some people are strangely exacting! There was a great run on the autograph of Saran Bern- HaRDT and I grew quite tired of signing Yvetrr, Rosepery, and Cisstz Lorrvs, however, it was all for the charity. I went as a Perfect Gentleman, and it was quite a good disguise—hardly anyone knew me! I saw Srm Bruce Skene dressed as a Temperance —_ turer; Grincorre was there as the Enemy of the People with a | bunch of violets in his button-hole; the New Boy went as Becket, land Cuariey’s Aunt as the Yellow Aster. Tae GENTLEMAN OF | France looked well as The Prisoner of Zenda. 1 recognised our old | friend Dor1an Gray in a gorgeous costume of purple and pearls, with a crown on his head of crimson roses. He said he had come as a | Prose Poem, and he was selling Prose Poem-granates for the good of the charity. Here are some scraps of conversation I overheard in the crowd :— Enemy of the People (to Sir Bruce Sxener). Been having a good time lately r Sir Bruce. Rather! Tremendous! I’ve been doing nothing but backing winners, and, what’s more—(chuckling)—I’ve at last got that astronomer fellow to take my wife and child off my hands, Isn’t that jolly ? Enemy of the People, Ah, really ? autumn, you know, Vivien, the Modern Eve (to the New Boy). I cannot stay here any longer. They never dust the drawing-room, the geraniums are planted all wrong, and I do not like the anti-macassars, Will you come with me ¢ New Boy. What a lark it would be! But I’m afraid I must stay and look after my white mice. You see, Buttock Masorn—— Lady Belton (after her marriage, to Charley’s Aunt, tearfully). He doesn’t understand me, Aunty. Charley's Aunt. Never mind, my dear. Don’t cry! You shall come with me to Brazil; you’ve heard me mention, perhaps, it’s the place where the nuts come from; and we’ll get up an amateur per- formance of the Pantomime Rehearsal ! We had all sorts of amusements. Under a palm, a palmist was rophesying long journeys, second marriages, and affairs of the oe to the white hand of giggling incredulity. Beautiful musicians, in blue uniforms, with eold Hungarian bands round their waists, were discoursing the sweetest strain that ever encouraged the conversation of the unmusical. A feature of the bazaar, that [ invented, was a mechanical Sphinx behind a curtain, They asked it questions—chiefly, what would win the Leger—and put a penny in the slot. There never was any answer, and that was the great joke! The whole thing was undoubtedly a wonderful success—and I knew . —— be. I believed in my Fete, having always been rather a atalist. And, in the rush of a worldly, frivolous existence, how great a jleasure it is to think we should have aided—if ever so little—in brightening the lives of the poor young fellows, kept, perhaps, all the season through, in or near the hot pavement of pendilly, and with not so much as a buttercup to remind them of the green fields, the —— sunlight, the blue sky of the glorious country. To have elped in so noble a cause as ours is a privilege that made us leave the bazaar with tears of sympathy in our eyes, feeling better and mrer men and women. Long, long may the button-hole of improvi- leone be filled by the wired carnation of judicious charity. Believe me, dear Mr. Punch, Yours very truly, ‘‘JemMIMA THE Penwomay.” P.S.—An absurd name they gave me on aecount of the autograph incident. You remember what ‘‘ Jim THe Penman” was? Of course, but there ’s no chance of my becoming the Pen-‘‘ Wiper” in the bosom of a family. Au reroir! Private Box. She is coming to us in the Fpecia' “ iritish feetly fre sought b and invig fleially b the Gout Q “COC. A com! of the Gi extraord! Insomnia Collapse, | Quarts, 6 Hoth V and at all pint of ¢ OLLINE MED O A W || OF Beer cur! Garrici 42/- P. “The x th But th S@@ For Cl; th Are th Crear Clarke

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_PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avousr 4, 1894 —_—_—_—_—————_ | Martell’s

| Acoebagttens aan | | extraordl | Quarts, 84s.; | But that problem must take a back Removes oo a £t 1s. Pottle for six to ten Baths. SCRUEBB & 009., 32b Southwark aw 8. = MANUFACTURERS OF ‘SCRUBB'S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP Z, OF ALL DEALERS. hOTTLED IN COGNAC.

Laurent-Perrier’s “CHAMPAGNE. SANS-SUCRE,” “ GRAND-VIN-BRUT.” Roe prone us the « lao ” lritish : Ge h ‘onitu tty free frome saga tha the dedia areal 4-5 sought by the Medical Profe sion, viz. and invigurating stimulant which tan bet uy ficially by everyone, and most advantageously oy the Gouty, Kheumatic, Dyspeptic and Diabetic. Quarts, Sts. ; Pints, 455. per doses. ‘COCA-TO CCH AMPAGHS.” F peciall pe

Insomnia, pele and all forms of Nervous Collapse, &c. Pints, 45s.; Half-pints, 24s. per dos. Hoth Wines sold by Wine Move mente, Sreree, &e., snd at all the Gurdon pote®, Be) , & ne rom pint of either, Be dake ts cant ry ¢, Lotidon, OLLINGWOO MEDICALLY RECOMMENDED. OVOCA A PERFECT OLD IRISH WHISKY OF ALL WINE MERCHANT ‘CUTLER, PALMER & CO. Ganrick’s Seren Abecreu Terrace, W.C. | 42 PALL MALL WHISEY. 42/-

“The milk ia the cocoa-nut” puzzled the sage, seat, For Clarnice’s Caramels—now all the rage— Are the Créme de la Créme of a treat. Cream CARAM«hop its Co., \s6, Euston Kd, Ida, Fitters and Show Case Makers for TIDMAN'S SEA SALT. CAUTION. Beware of worthless and injurious imitations, not Salt at all, but common rough sait, used in ing caustic alkali, manure, &c. Retailers offer- su

hol le Agents, W. Kowsans & toria Street, London, Fuld vy most Chemists. Price i fe; f 1 ames Paris—Hanst, 4, Mue de them are liable to prosec ution. To svoid such New York—Focosas 4 &, Nortis Williaan Street tutes, ask for TID AN'S SEA SALT ‘WILLs® NAVY GUT __ “CAPSTAN” Brand _—, Can now be obtained in 2-072. m Patent Air-tight Tins, in

WRIGHT 5. z == COAL TAR SOAP TABLETS 54

Clarke, Nickolls & Coombs, Ltd. | Three Grades of Strength, viz. :— “MILD,” Yellow label. “MEDIUM,” Elue label. “FULL,” Chocolate label. ¥°> und j-lb. Patent Air-tight Tins, by all Dealers in Tobacco. | As well as in One-Ounce Packets]' A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE, FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids. Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and intestinal Troubles, Headache. _ DRUG GISTS, 2a. Gd. A BOX. KODAK These fayious hand or tripod canteras, whilst embodying the most advanced ideas in camera construction, are the simplest ~ |and most compact Photographic iusiru ments made. ually suitable for boy or girl, novice | in we Bey or photographic expert From 1 to roo pictures can be made without recharge. Strongly recommended by travellers in j all parts of the globe. Prices from £1: 6: 0 to £22: 1: 0. Mustrated Catalogue free on application. Manufactured solely by EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., PARIS: + 4 Place Place Vendome. FRAISINE. A delicious Dentifrice, made from Straw berrics Mall Che mists, or for is, 2d. of FRANKS & all co, ,™, Kaere ear, Low The Medical Profession strongly recommend SALUTARIS WATER, ‘ pure distilled water, prep ome | by a special process, and highly rged with carbonic acid gas. SAL UTARIS

chant Ww HISKY

Li D, & Ht 0, WILLS, Limited, Bristal and Louda.

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~ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevusr 4, 1894. GROSSE & BLAGKWELL PURE MALT VINEGAR, In imperial pint and quart bottles, IS SOLD BY ALL GROCERS AND ITALIAN WAREHOUSEMEN. GROSSE & BLACKWELL, LIMITED, SOHO SQUARE, LONDON. LEA & PERRINS§ SAUCE has been known for more than | FIFTY YEARS ALL OVER THE WORLD. ASK FOR and see that their Signature Ce ~—— is on the label, BEWARE OF IMITATIONS, Sold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester; CROSSE & BLACKWELL, Ld., London; and Export Oilmen generally. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. B WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. LIEBIC “COMPANY'S” EXTRACT OF BEEF MAKES THE PUREST, CHEAPEST, AND BEST | BEEF TEA. PERFECT PURITY ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED. See SIGNATURE | nexed) in BLUE INK across the Label on each Jar of the Genuine Extract. Keeps for any length of time. Beware of Imitations. Highest Awards at all the Principal Exhibitions since 1867, and declared ABOVE COMPETITION since 19885. THE COMPANY’S COOKERY BOOK sent Free on application to LIEBIC’S EXTRACT OF MEAT COMPANY, LIMITED, BEST » CHEAPEST. ESTABLISHED 1825. © xe INFANTS, CHILDREN, INVALIDS, and THE AGED. 9, FENCHURCH AVENUE, E.C. Im Patent Air-Tight Tins. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE,| Dales Weitere Stnest Gunlth, of Mo. 0 lapeinn Rent, eRewen tp tho Paste of iar} Repenatens lo Se come ; Middiese Offices of Mesars. Bradbury, Agaew. & a ee pe PUBLIBHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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mn a CRAND HOTEL, LONDON. THE . more. ao) HOTEL VICTORIA, LONDON. WHITEHALL ROOMS FIRST AVENUE HOTEL, LONDON. BURLINCTON HOTEL, EASTBOURNE. CLIFTONVILLE HOTEL, MARCATE. ROYAL PIER HOTEL, RYDE, |. W, enares, HOTEL METROPOLE, MONTE CARLO. CLARENCE ROOMS } HOTEL METROPOLE, CANNES.

no exception.

any description. will in no case be returned, ruje there will be

To this gs, or Pictures of -f Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. or Wrapper. aT a wiosaest nant ¥ N° 2770. VOLUME MS., Printed Matter, Drawin dressed Envelope, Cover, > | e w | > | Ww a W z r) dd | a > a Se is are ee 0 ee ST) ee a VOPR TTS HE. Ky a SS Niyg fh} PRICE THREE PENCE. kt . ‘ ij, af ; . \,) ayes ‘ / , rat Ny y\ ae i / ' Pik ’ i ’ 7 Pm i! ~) not even when acoompanied by a Stamped and Ad 4 3) ¢ 4

\ 4 eae ‘ =. PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, . LONDON. F RY'S CONCENTRATED COC! “STRONGEST AND BEST.” —Halth,

Ge” NOTICE. — Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether

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FUR Axe FRATHER SERIES—New % Mited by A. ¥ r. WATHON THE GROUSE NATURAL nr ORY b ‘ the Kev. i A ant. ume -y ~wOTING A _ Rox With 1 us re ntuart tiey and A. Thorburn, an wn * “ Diagrams. ( Recently Published With FP saraen, By A. ms the Rev “ NOMANS, G va NEW SCHEME RELIEF OF TRUSTEES. FAMILY TRUST INVESTMENT POLICIES, Securing a Fired Income for Sur — Relatives. ron tI LTICULARS, APPLY THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. | ESTABLISHED 1825. Accu mulated Funds, 7} Willions Stg. © Stree jam St Pimples, bloteles, black h« rough, and oily skin, Cuticura Soap, the skin purifying ads, red, ted by effectivo and beautifying The « pimples, because th of inflammation of th preve mort B01. in the world nly preventive of © only preventivo pores. Rul d every where Price & SONS, 1, King Edwa Street, London, E.C. * All about the Skin, Scalp, and Mair,” 7a poe: &, ire BEDFORD STEEL SHEAF BINDERS F. NEWBERY POR THE COMPLEXION. ALSO FOR THE NURSERY, A TOILET rower / 4 To be had of Chemists, Perfumers, &c Wholesale, kL. HOVENDEN & SONS, Berners Street, W., and City Read, E.C., Lowne PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevsr 1], 1894. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS | AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daity Consumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. “HEAVIEST PORSIKLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE'S PLATE. (Rees) “BIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALED rUK HAKD WEAK” WEAK.” EPPS’S COCOAINE. COCOA-NIB EXTRACT. (TEA-LIKE.) A thin beverage of full flavour now with many beneficially taking the place of tea. principle being a gentle nerve stimulant, supplies the needed energy with- Its active out unduly exciting the system. So.p iw Packers axp Tins sy Gaocens, Lapetiap: JAMES EPPS & CO., Ltd., Homeopathic Chemists, London. THE SMALL HINDOO PEN. (JUST OUT.) oD ; With oblique point, in by ted ow maa 1, 2, and 3, to fit ordinary Penholder. “The Hindoo Pen is inestimable.” Newry Reporter C¢d. and is. per Box, at all tample Box of all kinds, Is. 1d. by Post. MACNIVEN & CAMERON, Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. Fenmmakerato ller Majesty's Government Offices. WEDDING PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: [[2, REGENT ST., W. Apsoixnine Sreacoscoric Comrany.) SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. Messrs SAMUEL BROTHERS respect fully invitean inspection of their Showrooms by Varents and Guardians who are desirous of Uut Giting their Juvenile charges for any of the Public or Private Col leges, Schools, &c. The requirements of Youths and Moys have for ver many years engaged the closest attention of Messrs SAMUEL BROTHERS, with the result that this import ant Department of their business has attained very large dimensions so that every want in Buits, Overcoats Hosiery, Moots, &c., is fully met, and durable qualities ensured. (Inc ket and Vest CATALOGUE free on For boy of 8 years, 19/- application Trousers, 6 - SAMUEL BROTHERS, Meachawr Taistons, Oorrirrens, &c., 65 & 67, LUDCATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. Workshops: Hilgrim Street, Ludgate Hill ; and 4, Gray's Inn Road, £©£°Oo SMOKERS. FLOR DE DINDIGUL, is iis" of exquisite favour and ar * Connoisseurs ‘onounce them better than Nasenasin ‘—Wonts tec. 4, 181. Hones of 100, 2is. and Ws. (two sizes am pies 4 and 5), ls., post free }2 stamps BEWLAY, 4 & 74, Strand, & ia, Cheapside, London. Est. 70 USED al TEE LOTAL NUBSERIES. SAVORY and MOORE'S BEST FOOD ror INFANTS TADDY and C2¥-5 Tlyrtle Grove CIGARETTES. Me, oe. hy and 10s., everywhere. QRIENT COMPANY'S YACHTING ES by the steamshi ma Sononns, ime tons Sessst oad | my open, E tons leavii London as under or NonWwayee COPENHAGEN, visiting some of the finest F ind Aug. for 2) dave, Saal pon Granton 3rd Ang For the MEDITERRAN from London, 12th September for 35 days. String band, electric light, electric bells, hot amd cold baths, high-cieg cuisine. Managers: F. Green and Co., and Ander - Head Offices. J enc hure! Avenue, London r passage firm, at 5, ~~, Avenue, E End Branch ()ffiec 16, Cockspur St., rena te the ureh : ie - A the West SWEET. COOL. PRAGRANT 1. Persons subject to tender feet will find instant relief by bathing in Con- dy’s Fiuid (di- luted). Of all Chemists, 8 oz. 1, 20 oz. 2/-. Full bath- ing directions (free) from Con- dy’s Fluid Works, Turnmill Ap eed. London, E.C. In- sist on beving “ Condy’s Fluid.” Use «« CONDY’S FLUID.” SQUIRE'S ror GHEMICGAL DELICATE FOOD. CHILDREN. | In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 6d., & Gs. each. PATTERNS AND | AT ALL CHEMISTS AND STOKES, and of SQUIRE & SONS, ller Majesty’s Chemists, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. mid COLT'S NEW ACT UNITED STATES ARMY & NAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Travelicrs, avd | for Military ru takes Ele ore “se cal. EB xprese and all other ‘3 eal. l’istol Cartridges COLT’S LICHTNING MACAZINE RIFLES, lor Large and Small Game, Movk shuotiag, a Target Iractice, are unsur assed for accuracy bs unequalled for rapidity of fre. COLT’S REVOLVERS are used all over the World. Price List free. coL co., 26, Glasshouse St., Piceadiliy Cireus, London, W. Agen * for the Province: >— BR. HUGHES &@ SONS, ROWLANDS' MACASSAR OIL Nourishes and Preserves the Hair, makes it Soft and Silky, and is the Best BRILLIANTINE being not too greasy ally suited for Tadien? Fad Chien s ‘ Hair; bottles, 3s. 6d. ODONTO! Ty ty oy Decay, sweetens th Sold everywhere.

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ATES ILVER ers, and Express LES, ix, aad wy aad ree. | |

| Aveust 11, 1894.]

LORD ORMONT’S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA. | By G***GE M°*R*D*TH. Votome III, Ayp now the climax comes not with to fleece wolves, ears on top remorselessly pricked for slaughter | of the bleating imitated lamb, here a fang pointing to nether- most pit not of stomach but of Acheron, tail waving in de- | rision of wool-bearers whom the double-rowed desiring mouth | soon shall grip, food for mamma-wolf and baby-wolf, papa- e-lolling sheep- wolf looking on, licking chaps expectant of what shall remain: My and up goes the clamour of flocks over the country up howling of shepherds shamefully tricked | fable artitice or doggish dereliction of primary dufy; for a} watch has been set through which the wolf-enemy broke paws on the prowl; and Se King Seclaies ond + sey Bacomnng ment, a slab-faced jubber-mubber of contendi unies. op typed Yd fant, my i ~ leggin ging ne: - ind no man can te’ e coun a lout dragging his chaw-bacon hobnails like a ask fed snail housed safely, he thinks, in unbreakable shell soon to be broken, and no man’s fault, while the slow sinks to the enemy, ships bursting, guns jammed, and a dull shadow of defeat on a) war-oflice drifting to the tide-way of unimagined back-stops on a lumpy cricket-field of national interests. But this was a ——— say ot the world, ae ws was — toit. Lady ARLOTTE dumbed it surprisi . Change ing, put a for u and n for b in the dumbed, and you have the way MorsFIELD mouthed it, and MaTey swimming with Browny full in the Harwich tide; head under heels up down they go in Old Ocean, a glutton of such embraces, lapping softly on a Lace! = white ducks tar-stained that very morning and no mistake. **T have you fast!” cried Matey. ** Two and two’s four,” said Browny. She sli . “Are four,” corrected he, a tutor at all times, boys and girls taken in and done for, and no change given at the turnstiles, “Catch as catch can,” was her next word. Plop went a wave full in the rosy mouth, ‘* Where’s the catch of this?” stuttered the man. _ “A pun, a pun!” bellowed the lady. ‘‘ But not by four- in-hand from London.” She had him there. He smiled a blue acquiescence. So | they landed, and the die was cast, ducks changed, and the goose-pair braving it in clothes by the kitchen fire. There was nothing else to be done; for the answer confessed PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 4 Wp Wf “ .

- <a NO END TO HIS INIQUITIES. (From a Yorkshire Moor.) Sportsman (awaiting the morrow, and meeting Keeper as he strolls round), to a dislike of immersions two at a time, and the hair clammy ‘“‘ Writ, RoporRs, THINGS LOOK FAIRLY HOPEFUL FoR To-MokROW, ku!” with salt like cottage-bacon on a breakfast-table. Rod Lord Ormoyt sat with the jewels seized from the debating, DEAR, unbeaten sister’s | (With ‘* She is at Marlow,” he opined. TO DO “ Was,” put in Lady CuaRtorre. T The answer blew him for memory. “* MorsFreLp’s dead,” his lordship ventured ; ‘‘jobbed by a fvil with button off.” ‘* And a good job too.” Lady CHARLOTTE was ever on the crest-wave of the moment's humour. He snicked a back-stroke to the limits, shaking the sparse hair of panes to the wind of her jest. But the unabashed one continued. “T’ll not call on her.” “wy, .” he 6 “‘ Never. Her head is a water-flower that speaks at case in the open sea, How call on a woman with a head like that ?” The shock struck him fair and square. a he said, and the conflict closed with advantage to the coat. A footman bore a letter. His step was of the footman order, calves stuffed to a knget Se bulbousness, food walry general, ever on the dash for o * Best ba country where onan in rear, and a hideous opened it. clatter of serjeant-majors spread over all. He r It was Amrnta’s letter. announced a French leave- Te re. ee stood, —— ee broke the = —" words quiv into completion, su: e blank who will. . — But her ishment was certain. For it must be thus. Never a lady left her wedded husband, but she must needs find herself weighted with charge of his grand-nephew. for donkeys if any such may deploy right shoulders up, serre-files | boa Cackeo-tutor sits in| with a si gers (strong Tury). ‘‘ Wit, Str, MIDLIN’, PRETTY MIDLIN’, Bur, on IT’S AWK’ARD THIS "ERE TWELFTH BEIN’ FIX£&D OF A Sunday!” much wisdom.) ‘‘ Now, micurt Mr, GLADSTONE HA’ HAD HANY THING WI’ THAT ARRANGEMENT, Sin?”

General’s nest, General’s wife to bear him company, and lo! the General brings a grand-nephew to the supplanter, convinced of nobility beyond petty conventions of divorce-court rigmarole. So the world wags wilful to the offshoot, Jawn-mowers grating, grass flying, and perspiring gardener slow in his shirt-sleeves primed with hope of beer that shall line his lean ribs at supper-time, nine o'clock is it, or eight—parishes vary, and a wife at home has rules, A year later he wrote— ’ “ Srr,—Another novel is on hand. Likely you will purchase. Readers gape for it. Better than acrosties, they say, fit for fifty puzzle-pages. What price? ©@*0°on M°n*’re.” Tue Exp.

THE MARCH OF CIVILISATION, (From @ Record in the Far East, ) Step One.—The nation takes to learning the English language. | begins to read British newspapers. s mastered | Step Three.—Having nation start a Parliament.

Step Two.—Haviog learned the English language, the nativn | the meaning of the leaders, the | | Step Four.—Having got a Parliament, the nation establishes school , railways, st ers, and penny ices. Step Five.—Having become art and commerce. e | Step Siz.—Having realieed considerable wealth, the nation pur- | chases any amount of ironclads, heavy ordnance, and ammunition. Step Seren.—Having the means within reach, the nation inuu)ges | in a terrific war. : . ‘ Step Eight and Last.—Having lost everything, the nation returns x | of relief to old-fashioned barbarism.

VOL. CVI. G fairly civilised, the nation takes up |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avectsr ll, 1894 Yj 4, = A a THE TRIUMPH OF CIVILISATION!

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Aveusr 11, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. To ram, and to torpedo, | And the om | | A HINT TO THE''POSTAL AUTHORITIES. THe Em! LoyMENT OF GOOD-LOOKING AND Atrractive Youre Mew 1s cLeartne THE Lerrer-BoXes UNDOUBTEDLY RESULTS IN FREQUENT DETENTION OF THE MAILS, EASTWARD HO! ‘On East is East, and West is West,” says strenuous RuDYARD KIPuine, And what has the West taught to the East, save the science of war, and tippling ? rs) d and ie drain Drink's poisoned flagons } plated ns And Civilisation sees her work ae. The saurians of primeval slime they fought with tooth and claw, And SHo-x1’s dragon, though possessed of Tous powers of jaw, And Mrocury’s scaly monster, SHo-xk1's pte might melt, nen stout St. George in the bo! SkELT,— These were but sien x ae monsters, like the giants slain by Jack, But your dragon cased in armour-plate with turrets on his back, {and horrid tail And a charged torpedo twisted in his huge whereat Is a thing to stagger Science, and to make poor Peace turn pale! Yes, East is East, and West is West ; but the "West looks on the East, And sees the bold Jap summoning to War's wild raven-feast The saffron-faced Celestial; and the game they ’re going to play (was a touch of Eastern goriness) in the Western way. or the yellow-man ha ‘borrowed from the white-man all that’s bad, — From shoddy and fire-water, to He = us — our Bibles, but he wdeunee _ And “he — with the wild savagery of Vandals, Goths or Huns, | The scientific slaughter Y the Blood-and- Iron Teuton !— lA sight that Civilisation would right | willingly be mute on. But these soapupamiated dragons that infest the Yellow Sea Are worse than the Norse ‘‘ Dragons” whose Y black raven flag flew free O’er fiord and ocean-furrow in the valorous REMNANTS. (A Pindaric Fragment, ) In the young season’s prime on remnant felt its major portion reft, And waited for the surplus time Ingloriously left. Viking days. es Chinee and Pagan Jap have learned or jt no glories of the lawn estern ways Of ntitadinne bloodshed : every slaughter- _ am 2° e valen that of gg vee & app pliance That gives the wearer’s nam Devi ies ol death- dealing skill, and deviltries | And tells: a waiting world ~_ & gown she of Science Strengthen the stealthy Mongol and the While’ that which went before sanguinary Turk ; No cheaply-sober destiny has found And Civilisation stands, and stares, and cries,| But graced fair Fashion's sent, “Is this my work ?’ Where Pleasure, gaily deck’ Within the fancied circle of 1 Watches the Polo cavalry at war, Mem. by a Muddled One. The victim pigeons tumbled in their gore, ** Poems in Prose” seem all the go. | The rival Blues at Lord’s, the racing steeds They ’re bad enough, but worse | On Ascot’s piney m The dreary hotch-potch we all know Or where luxuriant Good wood’s massy trees Too sadly ;—prose in verse ! | Murmur to no common breez | And a a the glint of England’ 6 summer OLD THREE-VOL. Tere rose two Book-Kings in the West, Two Kings both great and high ; And they have sworn a solemn oath Good old Three-Vol. shall die. They took a pen and ent him down, Piled sins upon his head And they have sworn a ‘solemn oath Good old Three-Vol. is dead. But when ‘‘ the Season” comes once more, And folks for fiction call, Old Three-Vol. may rise up again, And s sore ) surprise them all! a m0 fault, ye proud, nor grandeur moc If frugal ance, discreet and fair, The of lavish Fashion reap, And, oo waited long with nought to Get the | same goods, though late, and get them [lock Next year the faintiest owes by lawn and “May hapl r 4 be the fruit of surplus summer | Pope vor THE Emanciratep Srx,—** The | understudy of mankind is woman.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. |Aversr 11, 1894. Does nothing tell you who and what J may be ? LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART .[—ROUND PEGS IN SQUARE HOLES. Scewe 1X.—The Entrance Hall at Wyvern, Tredwell (to Lady Cawtree). This way, if you please, my lady. Her ladyship is in the Hamber Boudwore. Lady Cantire. Wait. (She looks round.) What has become of that young Mr. Anprom y (Perceiving SPURRELL, who has heen modestly « ndearouring to efface himself.) Ah, there he is! Now, come along, and be presented to my sister-in-law. She’ll be enchanted to know you ! Spurrell. But indeed, my lady I—I think 1’d better wait till she m - for me. Lady ( ant. man like you! ridiculous! Spurr. (miserably), Well, Lady Cantree, if her ladyship says anything, | hope youll bear me out that it wasn t Lady Cant. Bear you out? - Bs young man, you seem to need somebody to year you‘! Come, you are under My wing. I answer for your welcome—so do as you're told. Spurr. (to himself, as he follows resignedly). It’s my belief there ll be a jolly row when I do go in; but it’s not my fault! Tred. (opening the door of the Amber Boudor). a Cantire and Lady Maisie Mveit. (Zo Srverert.) What name, if you please, Sir ? Spurr, (dolefully). You can say * JAMES SrurRRELL”—you needn't bellow it, you know! Tred, (ignoring this suggestion). Mr. JAMES SpPuRBELL. Spurr. (to himself, on the threshold). If I don’t get the chuck tor this, I shall beeur- prised, that’s all! [ He enters. Scenz X.—IJn a Fly. Undershell (to himself). Alone with a lovely girl, who has no suspicion, as yet, that I am the poet whose songs have thrilled her with admiration! Could any situation be more romantic’ I think I must keep up this little mystification as long as possible. Phillipson (to hei sel }. I wonder who he is. Somebody's Man, I suppose. I do be- lieve he’s struck with me. Well, I’ve no objection. I don't see why I shouldn’t forget Jim now and then—he’s quite forgotten me! Aloud.) They might have sent a decent carriage for us instead of this ramshackle old summerhouse, We shall be hours getting to the house at this rate ! Und. (gallantly). For my part, I care not how long we may be. I feel so unspeakably content to be where I am. Phill. (disdainfully). In this mouldy, lum- bering old concern’ You must be rather easily contented, then ! Und. (dreamily). It travels only too swiftly. To me itis a veritable enchanted car, drawn by a magic ; Phill. 1 don’t know whether he’s magie—but I'm sure he’s lame. And | shouldn’t call stuffiness enchantment myself. Und. I’m not prepared to deny the stuffiness. But cannot you guess what has eopneieomel this vehicle for me—in spite of its un- deniable shorteomings —or must I speak more plainly still ? Phill. Well, considering the shortness of our acquaintance, I must say you've spoken quite plainly enough as it is! Und. | know I must seem unduly expansive, and wanting in reserve; and yet that is not my true dispo-ition. In general, I feel an almost fastidious shrinking from strangers—— Phill, (with a little laugh), Really, I shouldn’t have thought it! Und. Because, in the present case, 1 do not—I cannot—feel as if we were strangers. Some mysterious instinct led me, almost from the first, to associate you with a certain Miss Maistre MuLt. Phill, Well, 1 wonder how you discovered that. Though you shouldn’t have said *‘ Mies "’—Zady Maisie Mv x is the name. Und. (to himself). Lady Maistre Muti! I attach no meaning to titles -and yet nothing but rank could confer such perfect ease and distinction. (4lowd.) I should have said Lady Maisie Mutt, un- doubtedly—forgive my ignorance But at least I have divined you. Wait’ Fiddlesticks! What! A famous young Remember Andromeda, and don’t make yourself so ** What name, if you please, Sir?” Phill. Oh, I think I can give a tolerable guess at what you are. Und. You recognise the stamp of the Muse upon me, then ? Phill, Well, I shouldn’t have taken you for a groom exactly. Und. (with some chagrin). You are really too fiattering ! Phill. Am 1? Then it’s your turn now. You might say you’d never have taken me for a /ady’s maid ! Und. I might—if I had any desire to make an unnecessary and insulting remark. Phill. Insulting? Why, it’s what I am! I’m maid to Lady Matste. I thought your mysterious instinct told you all about it ? Und. (to himself—after the first shock). A lady's maid! Gracious Heaven! What have I been saying—or rather, what Aaren’t I? Aloud.) To—to be sure it did. Of course, I quite understand that. (To himself). Oh, confound it all, I wish we were at Wyvern! Phill. And, after all, you’ve never told me who you are. Who are you! { Und. (to himself). | must not humiliate this poor girl! (4loud.) 1? Oh—a very insignificant person, I assure you! (70 himself.) This is an occasion in + eception i; pirdonable—even justifi- able! Phill. Oh, I knew that. But you let out just now you had to do witha Mews. You aren’t a rough-rider, are you ? Und. N—not exactly not a rovgh-rider. To himself.) Never on a horse in my life! - unless I count my Pegasus. (Aloud.) But you are right in supposing I am connected with a muse—in one sense. Phill. 1 said so, didn’t 1? Don’t you think it was rather clever of me to spot you, when > you’re not a bit horsey-looking ? Und. (with elaborate irony). A t my compliments on a power of penetration which is simply phenomenal ! Phall, (giving him a little push). Oh, go along —it’s all talk with you —I don’t believe you mean a word you say ! Und. (to himself). She’s becoming abso- lutely vulgar. (Aloud.) I don’t—I don’t; it’s a manner I have; you mustn’t attach any importance to it—none whatever ! Phill. What! Not to all those high-flown compliments?’ Do you mean to tell me you ’re only a gay deceiver, then ? Und. (in horror). Not a deceiver, no; and decidedly not gay. I mean I did mean the compliments, of course. (Zo himself.) I mustn’t let her suspect anything, or she ’ll get talking about it; it would be too horrible if this were to get round to Lady Maisie or the CuLvERINs—so undignified; and it would ruin all my prestige! I’ve only to go on playing a part for a few minutes, and—maid or not—she ’s a most engaging girl! [ He goes on playing the part, with the unexpected result of sending Miss PHILtPson into fits of uncontrollable laughter. Scene XI.—The Back Entrance at Wyrern. The Fly has just set down PuILiipson and UNDERSHELL. Tredwell (receiving Puriuirson), Lady Maisre’s maid, I presume?’ I’m the butler here—Mr. Tarpwett. Your ladies arrived some time back. I’ll take you to the house- keeper, who ’ll show you their rooms, and where yours is, and I hope you'll find everything comfortable. (Jn an undertone, indicating UnpERSHELL, who is awaiting recognition in the doorway.) De you happen to know who it is with you’ : : *hillipson (in a whisper). I can’t —_ make him out he’s so flighty in his talk. But he says he belongs to some Mews or other. red. Oh, then J know who he is. We expect him —_ enough. He’s a partner in a crack firm of Vets. We've sent for him special. I’d better see to him, if you don’t mind finding your own way to the Housekeeper’s Room, second door to the left, down that corridor. (PaiLiirsox departs.) Good morning to you, Mr.—ah Mr. ? Undershell (coming forward). Mr. Uspersugtt. Lady CoLverin expects me, I believe. ; : Tred. Quite correct, Mr. Unpexsuett, Sir. Shedo. Leastwise, I shouldn’t say myself she’d require to see you—well, not before to-morrow morning—but you won't mind that, 3 Und, (choking). Not mind that! Take me to her at once! Tred. Couldn’t take it on myself, Sir, really. There’s no par- ticular ’urry. I'll let her ladyship know you're ‘ere; and if she wants you, she’ll send for you; but, with a party staying in the %

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Avevustr 11, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ’ouse, and others dining with us to-night, it ain't likely as she’ll have time for you till to-morrow. Und. Oh then, whenever her ladyship should find leisure to re- collect my existence, will you have the goodness to inform her that I have taken the liberty of returning to town by the next train ? Tred. Lor! Mr. UNDERSHELL, you aren’t so pressed as all ‘that, are you? I know my lady wouldn’t like you to go without seei you personally; no more wouldn’t Sir Rurerr. And I unders you was coming down for the y! Und, (furious). So did I—but not to be treated like this ! Tred, (soothingly). Why, you know what ladies are. And you couldn’t see ‘Deer foot—not ply to-night, either. Und. I have seen enough of this place already. I intend to go back by the next train, I tell you. Tred. But there ain't -— next train up to-night—being a loop line—not to mention that I’ve sent the fly away, and they can't spare no one at the stables to drive in. Come Sir, make the best of it. I’ve had my horders to see you ’re made comfortable, and Mrs. Pomrret and me will expect the Y ang of your company at supper in the ’ousekeeper’s room, 9.30 sharp. I’ll send the Steward’s Room Boy to show you to your room. [He goes, leaving UNDERSHELL speechless, Und. (almost foaming). The insolence of these cursed aristocrats ! Lady Cunvertn will see me when she has time, forsooth! Iam tobe entertained in the servants’ hall! This is how our upper classes honour poetry! I won’t stay a single hour under their infernal roof. I'll walk. But where fo? how about my luggage ? PHILLIPSON returns, Phill. Mr. Trevwett says you want to go already! It can’t be true! Without even waiting for supper ? Und. (gloomily). Why should I wait for supper in this house? Phill, Well, Z shall be there ; I don’t know if that’s any induce- ment. [She looks down, Und. (to himself). She is a singularly bewitching creature; and I’m starving. hy shouldn’t I stay—if only to e these Cur- veERINS ? It will be an experience—a study in life. I can always go afterwards, I will stay. (Aloud.) You little know the sacrifice you ask of me, but enough; I give way. We shall meet—(with a gulp) —in the housekeeper’s room ! Phill. (highly amused), You are a comical little man. You "ll be the death of me 77 o on like that! [She flits away. Und. (alone). 1 feel di to be the death of somebody! Oh, Lady Maistre Mutt, to what a bathos have you lured your poet by your artless flattery—a banquet with your aunt’s butler! A BETTING MAN ON CRICKET. Crickrt may be a game, but I can’t call it sport, For ‘‘ the odds” at it aren’t to be reckoned. There the last ’s often first ere you come into port, While the first is quite frequently second. There was Surrey, you see, slap a-top o’ the tree, While Sussex was at the m. But, thanks to the in-and-out form of the three, You never know when you have got ’em! For when I backed Surrey with cheerful content. Why Kent walloped Surrey, and Sussex whopped Kent!!! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. ‘“‘Tuere are, methinks,” quoth the Baron, ‘‘ two or three novels —one certainly I can mind—wherein the interior domestic life of Jews strict in the observance of their ancient and most touching religious rites and ceremonies is more amply, as well as more minutely, described than in Mr. Farseon'’s Aaron the Jew, which, be it my pleasing duty to testify, is one of the best of this prolific author's works ; a simple, touching story, the interest being well kept up, as of course the “ interest” should be when dealing with the true history of one who commenced as a pawnbroker.”’ As to the rites above mentioned, no special or intimate mal experience is shown to be possessed by the author, who could very easily have obtained his materials from an interesting work entitled, as I fancy, The Jew at Home, which has, the Baron regrets to say, disappeared from its shelf in the Baron's library. Aaron is lively, is gay, is witty, a “ Jew d esprit,” and, like Mr. Peter Magnus, he amuses a small circle of intimate friends ; but his story, that of his sweet wife Rachel, as related by Mr. Farsxon, will increase this friendly circle to a very considerable extent. The Baron ventures to think that a good deal of the dialogue and of the descriptive writing is unnecessary,—but Mr. Farseon likes to give everyone plenty for their money,—an further, that the story would have gained by the loss of what have reduced the three volumes totwo, But augeher, the novel is ‘ recommended ” by the interested but disinterest Baron pr Boox-Worms, 5 e a ~ A xX On : “Sx, a = 4 — ARTFUL. Mamma (to Johnny, who has been given a Pear with Pills artfully concealed in it), ‘‘ WELL, DEAR, HAVE YOU FINISHED your Pear?” Johnny. ‘‘ Yes, MAMMA, ALL BUT THE Seeps!” A VOTE OF THANKS. By a Hard-up Journalist. [A strange light has appeared on that part of the surface of Mars not illuminated by the sun, The Westminster Gazette of August 2 aske the question, “ Is Mars signalling to us? ””) On, men of Mars, we thank you, your behaviour’s really kind! Forgive us oy ’ve lately slipped somewhat out of mind !) ‘or now the silly season’s set in with all its ‘* rot,” You once more raise the question whether you exist or not. No doubt the good old topics will trot out yet again :— *- Is Flirting on the Increase?” “Is Marriage on the Wane ?” Big gooseberries as usual with sea-serpents will compete, To help the British Press-man his columns to complete ! But you, my merry Martians, have unely planned A mild but new sensation for the holidays at ; Your planet’s ‘‘ terminator,” it seems, is now ablaze— Tis, say the cognoscenti, a signal that you raise ! What is it that you ’re shewing terrestrial telescopes ¢ Is’t pills you ’re advertising, or booming patent soaps ¢ How on earth can one discover what by this beacon ’s meant, Whether news of Royal Weddings or Railway Strikes is sent ? Alas! We haven’t mastered the transplanetic code ; Your canals are yet a riddle, in vain your fires have glowed ! Still, do not let your efforts each August-tide abate— You furnish us with ‘* copy,” which maintains the Fourth Estate! Distixevisnen Vistrors to Bourwemovrn.—The Royal Bath Hotel announces “ Private Suites,” Is ‘‘ General Bitters” there , Epvcatiowat Motto. (For Mr. Acland's use.)\—* A place for every child, and every child in its place.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Aceusr 11, 1894. | a , WF Ne N\\ \ ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION He. “On, you 'R® FROM AMERICA, ARE you? DISLIKE AMERICANS?’ sur I ALways SAY ‘I BELIEVE THERE ARE SOME VERY NICE ONES AMONG THEM,’ ” She. “‘ Au, I DARE SAY THERE MAY BE Two on THREE Nice PEOPLE AMONGST Sixty Mitiions!” Wig “a hn 4 ty, mn 4 ) Ph, f “ tr ty yp, P * (hi-. jt We te, J 4. A, env Hl IN FOREIGNERS. PEOPLE OFTEN sAY TO ME, ‘ Don'r you “MOWING THEM DOWN!” [“ He (Sir Wrrttam Harcourt) confessed that he was not enamoured of these exceptional measures, and he resorted to them with extreme this motion, he would refer hon. gentlemen to the Order Book of the House of Commons.”’] Gunner Harcourt, loguitur :-— EXcEPTIonAL measures I hate, I’d rather not always be battling ; The good old ** Brown Bess” I prefer, I contess, To a new (Parliamentary) Gatling. To fight in the old-fashioned way, these fellows, I find, Will not /et a leader be knightly. regret. But if he were asked for a justification of If BaLrour would only fight fair ; And impose that condition on Barrier ; : If Jox would not ravage and shriek like a | On the colour of age, decay, and bile savage ; Did Tommy talk less, and less tartly ; Were GoscuEn less eager for seal ept a tight rein upon Hawsvry ; Why then ’twere all right; in love’s flowing can bury. But no, they ’re like Soudanese blacks, All fary and wild ugly rushes. They shriek and they shock, and they hack and they hock Till chivalry shudders and blushes. And so the machine-gun, I find, Is just the one thing will arrest ’em. They ’ve quite lost their head, but a fair rain of lead Played on them will try ’em and test ’em! Whir-r-r-r! Grorce! how it’s mowing them down, Their Advance - guard,—** Amendments” they dub them! They swarm thick and thicker. The handle turns quicker ! ’Tis dreadful ; but then we must drub them. As Courtney so gallantly said, ’Tis ** deplorable” ; troubles me sorely. But if Artuvur and Jog won't make terms, why, you know, They really can’t blame me and Morter! AIRS RESUMPTIVE. Il.—Tas Lixxs or Love. My heart is like a driver-club, That heaves the pellet hard and straight, That carries every let and rub The whole performance really great ; My heart is like a bulger-head, That whiffles on the wily tee,— Because my love distinctly said She ’d halve the round of life with me. My heart is also like a cleek, Resembling most the mashie sort, That spanks the object, so to speak, Across the sandy bar to port ; And hers is like a putting-green, The haven where I boast to be, For she assures me she is keen To halve the round of life with me. Some wear their hearts upon their sleeve, And others lose ’em on the links ; This play of words is, by your leave, Rather original, one thinks ;) Therefore my heart is like to some Lost ball that nestles on the lea, Secause my love has kindly come To halve the round of life with me, Raise me a bunker, if you can, That beetles o’er a deadly ditch, Where any but the bogey-man Is practically bound to pitch ; Plant me beneath a hedge of thorn, Or up a figurative tree, What matter, when my love has sworn To halve the round of life with me ? THE YELLOW AGE. THE poets sing of a Gulden Age. Are we trying to start its fellow ? The Yellow Aster is all the rage ; The Yellow Races in war engage ; The Primrose League wild war doth wage, And the much-boomed Book in cover and page Like the Age itself is— Yellow. Well, Yellow ’s the tint of Gold—and Brass! Of the Golden Calf—and the Golden Ass! Of the “ livery ” face and the faded leaf, But ’tis tedious, very, beyond belief. | I own I am little inclined to smile And mustard, and Othello ; I’m tired, I own, of it’s very look, And I feel compelled to cock a snook At the Yellow Primrose, the Yellow Book. Though an Age indeed That runs to seed Is like to run to Yellow!

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bate eet ‘LU-OU-}] WANNIH .iINMOG WHHL DNIMON,, .|. MON Laal Wa. dO ANVA LON» \ i \\ ih hi \ "Y i) Hl i \ ae i) NN } vi ht ‘$681 ‘IT 18292y—TUVAINVHO NOGNOT FHL 40 ‘HONDd nT } l ic f Yh

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| Avavsr 11, 1894} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69 EARLY LOGIC. Little Girl (of inquiring mind, to Stud Groom, looking at a Mare in feld wit Foal), “Wow oLp 18 THAT LirTLE Horse?” Stud Groom. ‘* Wet, Missy, ne’s ONLY Five Days op.” Little Girl (to her Governess’, *‘Ow, Nana, pip J RUN ABOUT THE FIELDS WHEN I was Five Days otp?” landlord where one can go, Dm’t like to ask “if any girls about A LITTLE HOLIDAY. anywhere?” Accidentally landlord does happen to mention Farmer ey a : Muacertper's daughters. I pretend indifference, but inquire as to Sunday.—How exhausting is London life! Up late, night and | direction of MucoeRtper’s farm. Lose my way. Wander helplessly. morning. Club, See summer number of illustrated paper. Pictures Steady downpour. Return, drenched. Butcher has not been. Eggs of pretty girls, recliaing in punts, hammocks, or deck-chairs, doing | and bacon for dinner. Smoke, and read advertisements —plenty of nothing, men helping them. True holiday for jaded Londoner. | them—in summer numbers, To bed at nine. Perhaps better without pretty girls. Even more reposeful. Must/ 7juysday.—Wake at three. Toss about till seven. Then break- get right away. Secluded place. No pretty girls. That tiny in| fast—usual dish. Rain not quite so heavy. With fuller directions Jones told me about. Miles from everywhere, : as to road, start hopefully for Mvcceripee’s farm. Arrive there. Monday.— At Tiny Inn. Fine afternoon. Feel quite happy.| Heavy rain again. Mroorriper loafing about. Country people With summer clothes, summer numbers, flannels, straw hat, and | always loaf about in rain. They seem to enjoy it. Chat with him. other suitable things. Seven miles from station. Beautifully clean.| He asks me in to have some cider. Accept. Chance of secing Perfectly quiet. Weather changing. Raining. Landlord says,| charming daughters. They enter! Now! ... Oh! awful!... “Soon over.” Eggs and bacon for supper. To bed early. Cider acid. Obliged to drink it. Harry hack. Lunch. Usual dish. Tuesday.—W ake at five. Upatsix to enjoy morning air. Eggsand/ Still raining. Call in landlord, and ask eagerly about trains to bacon for breakfast. Sill raining. Landlord says, ‘‘ Very remark-| London. The next is to-morrow morning, at 8.20, Give way to able, since in this place it never rains.”” Somehow the clouds always| despair. Refuse eggs and bacon for dinner. Bed eight. pass over neighbouring village, following the course of the river,| Friday.—Leave in landlord's cart at seven, after usual breakfast. the ridge of the hills, or something. Have noticed in all country | Still raining steadily. Gave landlord all those summer numbers to places that the clouds always do this, except when Jam there. Im-| amuse future weather-bound visitors with imaginary pictares of possible to lounge under a tree in this rain. Stop indoors, smoke, | rural happiness. London once more! Hurrah! Dinner—not eggs and read summer numbers. Eggs and bacon for lunch. Rain|and bacon. Theatre. Smoke at club. Avoid Jones, Tell Surrn going on steadily. Put on fl s,go out. Drenched. Eggs and/I know the sweetest place for country peace and seclusion. He bacon for dinner. Landlord says they hope to give me some meat to- | writes down the address eagerly. Those summer numbers will amuse morrow. Butcher calls once a week apparently. Wet evening.|him. To bed—any time! Somewhat tired of sitting on horsehair sofa with damaged springs. = = — Know all the summer numbers by heart. To bed at ten. At THe Wispow.—Jadging from the tone of James Parn’s delight- Wednesday.—Wake at four. Toss about till six. Then ‘up. | ful Note- Book this week, one fears that charming and cheery gossiper Still raining. Breakfast,—eggs and bacon. Landlord savs if I cross | has been “laid up,” has been compelled to take his ** Notes” from a two fields I shall find the riverand a punt. Thanks. Will wait till | sick-couch at a window—has, in fact, for the time, become a window- rain stops. He says it is sure to stop soon. Ask him if one can get Payn! Well, a window is no bad coign of vantage for an observant a London paper. Says they sometimes have one at the stationer’s, man. ‘‘The World from a Window” would make an excellent four miles off, but pu tine only when ordered. Lends me a local | hook, and James Payw would be the very man to write it. Let Mr. paper of last week. Reduced to summer numbers again. Begin to Pary think of it. Mr. Punch’s present purpose, however, is to wish wish there were some pretty girls here, after all. They might enliven | his good friend and favourite writer speedy emancipation from the things. After luanch,—of eggs and bacon,—resolve to go out. Ask | bonds of sickness and compulsory window-watching.

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Aveust 11, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 71 a = ee ] i " SATURDAY POPS. : ther aow batter J ut 1 wi — "8 oy Sra,—Owing to the Death o ” 4 , A | oa e a “Rowmcu Exracrane” we) (ipa ,! Duties, Tam no longer & rich moved to write to the Chronicle Ltd Wy 4? 4 Ly: ijl in't Beet Nae mera than on July 3ist, to say that, iy, HFN A We ; t — ide f though not a rich man, he yy 4 fl) Lj» Ni 4 | Y C iantbaee, it has | lives in s pretty Surrey villege A /: y LLU ZA Y= oon: eR Ree 51 pfu as e ; / ’ y W Nba) {ip has a fairl large and ‘guict y hil Saou all. garden, with field, &e. *‘ The = Ii i =. bs rene, the ivereantiet- ae RN sion, you are weloome to my ing ¥ gay and ing in . nih > ne a re use to you, te garden” Capital fan i) -. Ba vam Serene eeey Oe . en Ag Teepe) | sivolate for is that there shall j a a : HN WS y a no speaking, for speaking y we, ' ’ bores me horribly. 4 / , A of a ( i fi 4 WPUA i); ing thought, comparable, . | i iat D-v-ueu-B8. doubtless, to a running com- : ) . . ; mentary. Anyhow, “ Rusti- ee i Vi : LOWERED! cvs” is moved — by the thought | Ss vy Rates, rates, rates, of a “tired working-man or 1 EY )\\\\ My Wilf » OF ap cxipent L, C. C.! band of City workers” who ‘ Ow : " And I’m glad they can't hear would find in his garden plea- ] = *s the py sure on a quiet Saturday atter- it ’ \\ We utter so frequentlee! noon—to make an offer, Here “ | “| ve iM se O well for the excellent Chair- are his words :— x) inf}! a, 1) \\\ man [bit ! “T am a bachelor, therefore I I Neel ; For trying to reduce them a say, men, you are welcome to my 4 ff ys : - : i. |0 well for those Councillors very simple ag go | it + Se 1] ’ VA Ss , % wary {ments” sit ! any use to you. can do with a e, } A, ™ \ “3 se limited paisber every or un ee |’ & ' , ‘ ) , Who on costly — Saturday. Any creed or class is ie ia ; ! ' And ‘“‘ demand-notes” still go he po i : stipulate for is | xa \ "= aaa | ' ff on, ed ; onest souls. Come and smoke i = . _. i. ’ A ket, teadil and talk under the trees and spend , Al ‘es 4 ASF ) Bat ay oft. sigh) my 4 a quiet time away from the town. ~ ‘~ tenpenny rate I ys erga publicity - «i me , y . ~ And the he of a * Board’ or fuss, the giving and acceptance — Os | Fg ’ UN Vie n' : é > ye hhoweatly, ; that is dead ! ‘ rother to brother. ould you, | Rates, rates, rates Sir, forward any lettersonto me??? wr A — MOUSE. ” | Thanks, men of the L.C.C.! This i Jones, “‘ WELL, MY LITTLE MAN, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT We trust the farthing now hun oe cousseon exsuple London Boy (who has never been out of Whitechapel before’, ‘‘1’M THINKIN’ | _ 0 nie Mr. Punch has already had |!T’s TIME YER MorHeR PUT YER INTO Trousers!” Will never go back to ye! “AFTER THE HEALTH CONGRESS IS OVER.” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Se Ball R he Mansion IL EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. ees See Boom of 6 gccuente en sat. TIouse of Commons, Monday, July 30.—Haviog settled Budget He (resting). Good floor, isn’t it ? Bill, and, incidentally, brought Caancettor or Excneeven to She. Quite. But tell me, have you been attending the Congress’ Death’s Door by observations on Death Duties, Tommy Bowres has He, Of course; that is why I received an invitation to-night. time to turn his attention to another social question. Looks as if he She. And you found the lectures and all that most interesting ? were going to take the —— Fiend by the scruff of the neck. He. Yes, very ; and then there were the Opera and the theatres in | Herein he has opportunity ng and enlarging his hold on the evening. affection and esteem of British . Bieyele Fiend increased, She. But do let us talk about the Congress. Did you not discuss | is increasing, and, at least, ought to be registered. He comes upon sanitation ? | the hapless rider or pedestrian in quiet country lanes, brushing him He, Discussed it very much indeed. So fortunate too that we | aside as if the earth were the Fiend’s and all the highways thereof. had the meeting before everybody had left town. | Bad enough in the country, where there is room to get out of the She. Yes. But did you not inquire into microbes and all that? (way. In crowded streets of metropolis, Fiend pounces round unsus- He. Certainly ; had a lot of about them, and finished them all | pected corners upon elderly gentlemen, eca' streams of peaceful up just in time not to interfere with Goodwood. | passengers at peremptory sound of fearsome be! - : She. And I suppose you found out the way to keep everyone in| Tommy B. got his eye on him, Not without cin that this perfect health ? new departure has something to do with old, now closed, campaign | He. That was the idea, and yet we floored Lords and the Oval. against the Budget, Tommy warned the Squire whilst in Com- She. But oughtn’t every town to be in a satisfactory condition’ | mittee that his Death Duties would not reap the full harvest antici- | He. Why, yes. But thatd upon the season of the year. Of| pated. Every little helps. What with actual concussions and | course, some places are deadly dull when nothing ’s going on from a sudden frights, Bicycle Fiend leads in course of financial year to | social point of view. considerable succession of property changing on sudden death, with | She. I mean from a health point of view—oughtn’t everything concurrent toll paid to Treasury. If the Bicycle Fiend can only be | nowadays to be simply excellent ? laced on same footing as the common carrier, or the harried | He. Yes, of course. That’s the modern theory. ee driver, the death-rate would a i" decrease, and | onl . _ She. et, according to the , London is full of fever and with it the flow of legacy and succession duties, Tommy may or a ba ‘ — may not look thus far ead P ... — if pe y ae in é. resay ; the Press men generall their figures right. restraining a nuisance that is a disgrace to a civi community, She. Bat if, theoretically oveything 1, eat, why should most| The Member for Saxx tells me he has a Short Way with the B. F., things be practically 'which makes him to considerable extent indifferent to slower action | He. You must really ask me another. ‘of Home Secretary, who has evidently never had his shins barked She. But you are strong upon health, are you not ? iby this agency. Sark says when he takes his walks abroad he He. Very—in the lecture-room. And now, if you are rested, we usually carries a stick or umbrella. When, crossing a road, he hears will have another turn. [ Ereunt dancing. | the tinkle of the Fiend’s bell, insolently and imperatively ordering

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7) t«- [Aveusr 11, 1894, him out of the way on pain of being run over, he, instead of fly- ing for his life, as is the use of the ordinary citizen, carelessly throws stick or umbrella lance-wise across hollow of right or left arm, accord- ing as the Fiend approaches from one direction or the other. Thus armed he leisurely pursues his way. If the Fiend continues on the a, he will run with face or chest on to the point of the umbrella. As that would be inconvenient to him, jhe slows up or goes on another tack, and when fe arrives home writes a letter to the Bicycling | Bhster, indignantly denouncing a | street passenger who wouldn't get out of his way. Business done.—V ote on Account through Committee. Tuesday.—" Paixce Axtavr,” said Sark, looking across at the Front Opposition Bench whilst Courtney was speaking, ‘‘ succeeds in hiding all traces of storm behind a smiling countenance. JosErn, on the contrary, more ingenuous, less acute in practice of worldly wiles, enables one to realise, even at this long distance of time, what Batak, the son of Zirpor, King of Moab, looked like when he stood in the high places of Baal, and lis- tened tou Bataam's remarks on the motion for the time-closure to be applied to the Children of Israel, who had pitched their tents in the plains of Moab beyond the Jordan at Jericho, and declined to budge at the bidding of Batak.” Appearance of Parliamentary | ,.4.’ BaLaaM on scene dramatically ~ , effective. Crowded House work f Lf py: WL needn’t be fnghtened of him. the Commons now ! Curer Secretary on the head. The Seurre had moved time- closure on Evicted Tenants Bill in speech the studied tameness and wrovoking brevity of which had riled ( )pposition much more than if he fad belaboured them with Harcourtian phrase. Sacre or QuEEN Anve’s Gate said a few words, preparatory to packing up for holiday ; then CovaTwey rose from Seamen's side to continue debate. Members, taking it for granted that he, possibly with some reserva- | tions in favour of Eviction Bill whose second reading he had sup- ported, was about to say ditto to Josern on question of Closure, began to move towards door. Arrested by Courtney's solemn tone, and his expression of regret, evidently unfeigned, at deplorable condition in which the House found itself. ‘ Woe to those through whom offences come!” cried Courtygy in voice which, as he said, was of one crying in the wilderness, and seemed for its perfect effect to lack | only hirsute garb, stave and honeypot. ‘* Through whom did the offence come’ Surely,” continued the Prophet, bending shaggy eye- brows upon the bench where the Busy B's hive, “‘ the offence fies with those Members who, disregarding the true uses, functions, | duties, and high mission of the House, abuse their powers, intent to | destroy possibility of the right conduct of public business.” Not Ministers, then, with the Squixe attheir head, responsible forthe deadlock, as Paince Antucr had painted the scene, and as Josern had touched it up with stronger colour. They and “‘a junta of irresponsible landlords enforcing their will upon those who ought to resist them.” O BataaM! Batasm! M.P. for Bodmin, Was it fur this Josern led thee into the field of Zophim, to the top of Pisgah ? For this did Pxince Antavr build seven altars, and offer up the Seuire or Mat- woop on every one of them? Long time since such a scene was woengnt in the House. Saunperson pished and pshawed, and looked anxiously round for Logan. Barrier blushed; Hansvry was hushed; and a tear trickled down the pale cheek of Tommy Bow .es--Cap'en no longer, disrated and denounced. Business done.—Time-Closure resolution carried. Thursday.—Sueh larks! Yesterday time-closure came into opera- tion in connection with Evicted Tenants Bill. Arranged that if debate on Clause IJ. not finished by eleven o'clock to-night, al! Amendments remaining on paper shall be submitted to vote without further debate, Obstruction seotched ; wriggles helplessly, like cel in muddy depths of river, smitten by the spear. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. — THE CARSON BANSHEE. John Morley. “ You see it’s all right, my little man. It was only bis vapour. Come along, and I'll leave you at the door of t See how you get on there!” up to highest pitch of excitement | by swift encounter, in which Jouw Morey had followed Priyce Antnuor, and Josern, springing in from behind, had clouted the| It was the Busy Bees. | ‘* Shan’t play,” whimper Paiyce ArTuvr and Josern, mingling their tears at this fresh evidence of tyranny, this last illustration of man’s inhumanity to man. Strike ordered in Unionist lines, Men throw down the pick ; handin the shovel and the hoe; put on their coats; hang about corners of is in approved strike fashion. If Hansury and the Blameless Barr- LEY could only be induced to stick * short elay pipe in side of mouth bowl downwards), fasten a leather strap outside their trousers just below the knee, and drink four-half out of pewters at bar in the Lobby, scene would be complete. Strike only partial. Fully one half the men refuse to go out; stand by the masters, tw deaf ear to Landishments and threats of pickets outside. Strange thing “- is that, working at half strength, Tay ¢ output more than doubled. Time- Reve v : _— closure, with all hands at work, ; proposed to complete Committee by eleven o'clock next Tuesday night, At ten minutes six this afternoon the whole thing through. Not hurried either. Thoroughly debated, divided on, and Bill, in more than one instance, am 4 “Fact is’ said the Saurre, a ee with chastened delight at : > turn events taken. “‘ we are over- macned just as London is over- I told y cabbed. Must see if something we’ Terecah can't be done to reduce numbers * luor af the bY refusing licenses fur fresh elec- tions when vacancies occur.” — Business done, — Evicted Tenants Bill through Committee. Building Societies Bill far advanced. Friday.—Back in the mud again. Strike operative only when Evicted Tenants Bill under consideration. That standing over now for Report Stage. Meanwhile take up again Equalisation of Rates Bill. Men on strike stream in, tired of “‘playing.” Wonderful their eagerness to get to work again, their keen delight in sound of their own voices, so strangely intermitted. Bartiey, KimpeEr, Fisner, Joxiu, and the Wootwicn Inranrt all here again, with Wensrer (of St. Pancras) wobbling all over the place, like a hen that has laid an egg somewhere and can't for the life of her just at the minute think where she left it. Business done.—Hardly any. As Bartwey says, ‘‘ must make up for lost time when yesterday and day before work advanced by leaps and bounds,” CryprocGRaAMMaTist Wantep. — After a plain matter-of-fact paragraph in the Daily Telegraph, stating that ‘ Lord GREVILLE eaves town to-day for Harrogate” (to undergo the “ tonic sul-phur” eure, of course, #.e., of water-course), there a red this mysterious announcement, ‘‘ Lord Rowrow leaves London to-day for some weeks.”” Now where is ‘‘ some weeks”? Of course as his Lordship has quitted town for ‘*‘ some weeks,” he evidently prefers ‘* some weeks,”’ wherever it is, to London. And that is we know at present. Strange disappearance. Weird. Tue Coster Kytonr.—There are pictures on almost all the hoardings, in the suburbs especially, of the celebrated Mr. ALBERT Cuevalier. This chevalier ‘‘ sans peur et sans reproche” is 0 basy a man that in the best sense of the term he may well be con- sidered as the type of an honest ** Cheralier d’ Industrie.” Quvexy.—‘' The Lancashire Rubber Company”—is this some- thing new in the way of Massage? or is it a Company got up for the express purpose of supplying Society with Whist-players ? Tue Laresr Mape or Honour at Ricamonp.—Sir Jaues W. Szitumrenr, Knight.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARL—Avevsr 11, 1894. ** Retained when all other Foods are rejected. It is invaluable.’ London Medical Record, ‘FOOD FOR INFANTS —————— . , a | GOLD MEDAL INTERNATIONAL Heautu Exutsition, Lonvon. INVALIDS AND Benger’s Food is sold THE AGED At 1/6, 2/6, 5/-, and 10/-, by all Chemists, dc —— DISINFECT AT CNCE Ht es veeeres DISINFECTANT, efend your ~~ the virulence of the dread be of smaLL Pox THERIA, CHOLERA, FEVERS, and other — oe = Al, is so cheap that in « y household, schoo!, institute, and business At. hig Sig lane, wc. 6, drains, gutters, and al. sources of offensive odours, can be flushed at fractional cust, a 2s. Gd. bottle (which te a handy size for family use: making gallons of powerful germ destroying, reliable disinfectant IZAL Non-polsonous Disinfectant is sold in bottles at Is, 2s. 6d., and 4, 6d >in s € A sample bottle or tin sent carriage paid, in the ‘ nited Ki nade ym, for postal order. The Izal Rules for jisinfeeti be sent free by the Sole Manufac turers NEWTON, ¢ A \MBERS & CO., Lid , THORNCLIFFE, SHEFFIELD ECZEMA With all its Terrible Irrita- tion and Horrible Dis- figurement cured by HOMOCEA which Touches seme THE SPOT at Once. The me ’ 3 be) 5 7 BUTORER, 35, Park Road East, Birken he av eat pleasure in complying with your request, and in = tting in writing what I have already said by word of mouth Iwas much inconvenienced by a very irritating species of Eczema. Several remedies that I have tried failed to ive me more than a very temporary relief. I finally tried fomocea, with happiest results The relief was almost instan taneous, and, what is more to the point, the aoe ee effect § remained, and a omplete cu ure re oul Yours tru ‘J. WILLIAMS BUTCHER.” jomocea” is sold by most Chemists at ls. 1/4. and 2s. $d. per & aw gy De “i ben, os cont fre by t for is. 34. or Ss. P.O. the “ Homeces yy Birkenhead Chemist, 4 “6, King “William Street, London Bridge, E.C., sells it.) C. Brandauer & Co’s Circular-Pointed Pens. SEVEN PRIZE MEDALS. Series of ff " Tens Write as Smoothly as a BJ Lead Pencil. Neither Fcratch nor Spurt, the points being rounded by a special process. Assorted fample Box for 7 stamps from the Works, BIRMINGHAM. “ Matchless for the hands | and complexion,” A teboree Pras rn AKES the Hands white and fair, the Complexion bright and clear, and the Skin soft and smooth as velvet. “The name Cadbury | on any packet of Cocoa is a guarantee of purity.” Medical Annual. “The typical Cocoa of English Manufac- ture, Absolutely Pure.” The Analyst. EE Prated William Stuart Smith, of No. 3, Lombard treet, in the Precinct of Hradbury, Acnew. ‘tel Lima ted,

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PICTURES pubtisnea.| PIG TURES PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. > A 5 a4 " t aD = ; : _ al Ws ¢ ~Y™ ~ ™N , , Ve 4. fis. P * Ny A 4 . . = " pO ' A ) ~ © , tA = i ba ‘ y i 4 . o Hl] é ~ ? iS N° 2771. VOLUME CVII. —_— Oe oem ne i - “Saeeee es UL bt OL VL PREP ITIELRTEY mS s ho f : f) Neil > Via di th § “NU VN Sh Seo ae PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. THE QUEEN. TAOLE wath SCHW EPPE'S Carriage paid to any address if ordered through one of the Agents of the Company. SODA, SELTZER, dc, IN BOTTLES, SPLITS, AND SYPHONS. PENCE. PRIGE THREE prow “PUNCH” wii | prow “PUNCH” Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. Drawings. or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, Wrapper Oo this rule ther Lil De bo exception i Envelope, C aba Adaressec tions, whether MS., Printed Matter

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and irious ide tel MORE ORNAMENTAL Avousr 18, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73 THAN USEFUL. (A Legend of the Results of the | School Board.) Tue Committee sat waiting oak Ae pari eek baa e full of advertisements describ- | i appointments the réclames had no effect. ns were apenas y a number in the waiting- but the usher had declared that they did not ye po the ele- mentary qualifications for the post that the Committee were seeking to fill with a suitable official, “Usher,” cried the Chair- man at length with some im- patience; “I am sure you must be wrong. Let us see some of the occupants of the adjoining office.”’ The usher bowed with a grace that had been acquired by several years study in de- portment in the Schoo and replied that he fanci that most of the applicants were too highly educated for what you’re talking about! ” | “* Pardon me, Sir,” returned | RETURNED EMPTY. Why I can't read nor yet write!’’ ** Better and better,” said Committee Man No. One. * First rate,” murmured Committee Man No. Two. “I aay have at length found mat!” cried the candidate. **Why I could do that little job on my head!” So there being no other applicant for the post, the backwoods’ ignoramus was office-sweeper at a appoin couple of hundred pounds a year, ** Rather high es,” said the Chairman to himself, as he went home on the top of an omnibus; “ but what can one expect when we educate all the children at the cost of rates. Last year there was an additional farthing; this year we have to pay five shillings, and goodness only knows how much it will be hereafter ! "’ And as he thought this, the Chairman (in the names of the rest of the ratepayers) heartily eursed the School Board, RE-DRESS REQUIRED. [A writer in the Lancet draws attention to the fact that the re- gular hospital nurse’s uniform is the Usher, with enatbes qpace- | Old Mayfly (who had dropped his Flask further down stream, and has just| now worn as ordinary ladies’ ’ ful inclination of the | had it returned to him by Honest Rustic), ‘‘Dezan mE! THank you! THANK | attire.) “buat would not ‘imperfectly | ” : : halli “ , , . : ; |you!” (Gives him a Shilling.) Don’t KNOW WHAT I SHOULD HA’ DONE ’ acquainted with the subject of | . pe , ~ ; . Pr THERE’s no doubt my new your discourse’ | bj WITHOUT IT! (Begins to unscrew top.) May I orrer you a——" tome te Gor permission, I will obey you.” : r ‘onest Rustic. ‘‘ Weil, THANK yY’, Polished ? But, with your SEEIN’ A HOWNER ABOUT, WE'VE TA’EN WHAT THERE WERE INSIDE,” . é ; becoming. |! Sim, BUT ME AND MY Mats, vor like the idea of the cape, and the apron is just perfect, while And then the official re- turned to usher in an man wearing spectacles. The veteran immediately fell uw is knees and began to implore the Com- mittee to appoint him to the vacant post. **T can assure you, Gentlemen, that, thanks to the School Board, I am a first-rate Latin and Greek scholar respect for the Union Jack. about mathematics, and can play several musical instruments. I am i waltzer; I know the use of the globes, and can play the overture to Zampa on the musical-glasses, I know the | also an accomplished works of SHAKSPEARE backwards, and -—— * Stop, stop!”” interrupted the Chairman. ‘‘ You may do all this, | and more; but have zen any knowledge of the modus operandi of you?’ the labour required Alas, no!” returned the applicant; ‘‘but if a man of educa- % tion-—_ **Remove him, Usher!” cried the Chairman; and the veteran was removed in tears. A second, a third, and a fourth made their appearance, and disap- and none of them would do. They were ali singularly ~-Aaiiaamenaiotenh cha bel been lntcigleg inte, the staset a own the street, walked into the Council-chamber. nen MTD BE z weet we you want, Sir?” asked the Chairman, indignantly. 8 tell everyone my business —not me—you bet ! “U ical!” said Committee Man No. One. “ V misi ngrammati an No. ery pro- ng. ** Uncouth and valgar!” murmured Committee Man No. Two. ** Where were you educated ?” queried the Chairman. __ “Nowheres in particular. I was brought up in the wilds of Canada. There’s not mach book learning over there,” and the rough ellow indulged in a loud hoarse h. > I am intimately cggnintes with the Hebrew language, and have the greatest pos- | sible know all that can be known | ‘ | She stared, turned red, and then looked horribly offended. I believe to you?” tans Se guengt weir, “T ain’t a going the little bonnet suits me to a /T. Met cousin Frep, who said it was “ fetching,” and that “ they wanted some of my sort at the hospitals.” said I thought the patients had good enough nurses at present ; he replied ** he didn’t mean the patients—he meant the doctors.’ Of course I couldn't stand the drudgery of a nurse’s life; but that’s no reason why | shouldn’t appropriate the uniform, is it ? Walking down street. Met another nurse—a real one, I suppose. she must have made some sign to me that I didn’t understand. Are Nurses Freemasons, I wonder? Quite a secret society, it seems. Really that sort of thing oughtn’t to be allowed, It makes things so awkward for the impost—the imitators, 1 mean. _ Just got home after dreadful incident! 1 was in a Bayswater Square, when suddenly a man driving round a corner in a cart got upset, and was pitched on to the close tome. A small crowd gathered immediately, and evidently expected me to help. One man shouted ‘‘ Hi! Come and bind up is head, Miss!” And his head was actually bleeding! I couldn’t do anything, except feel awfully inclined to faint, and then the mob began to hiss jeer! Some- body said I must know how to render “ first aid to the injured, and if I didn’t come quick the man would bleed to death. | was so frightened I ran away, and the mob ran after me, and | had to take shelter in a shop, and ask the “.— to explain to the crowd that I was not really a nurse at all. used dreadful expressions, and I had to be got out by a back way. I don’t think the costume is half as becoming as it seemed this morning ; I m going to sell it as a “ cast-off garment.” Lucky for me it wasn’t a torn-off garment | Scott on the New Woman. (As the Wizard of the North would have written now.) New Woman! in our hours of ease A smoking rival hard to please, Wishing to put Man in shade, “* Ah! that accounts for your not havi joyed the t advan- \ tages of the School Board. Have yon tome the ai om wm you Collar his togs and take his trade ; read the details of the proposed appointment ’” When pein and eaguich wring the brow, , “Me read!” the uncouth one; “oh, that is a game! A swaggering, “ spanking” Pipchin thou ! VOL, CVI, u

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avcusr 18, 1894. TAAUO 44 a. REST FRESH BUTTER “COW BRAND “THE COW WAS THE STAMP TO IMPRESS SUPERIOR BUTTER.” “ARF A POUND ER MARGARINE, PLEASE: AN’ MoTHER SAYS WILL YER PUT THE Cow ON IT, COs sHE’s cor Company!” HINT FOR THE ALPINE SEASON. Adapted freely from the Old Royal Repartee.) Middle-aged would-be Mountaineer (loq.). Fan would I climb, but,—well, my belt's too small. Mr. Punch (in reply). If your girth grows, Sir, do not climd at all ! Your Alpen-stock put by, ere the world mock, And you become an (Alpine) Laughing-stock. Though Alps on Alps arise you stop in bed, And let a younger man yon glaciers tread. The dangers of steep slides and deep crevasses Are not for elderly donkeys, but young asses. The Himalayas woo you still to pant on ? Well, treat ‘em as you would an arch young wanton, Think of your legs, the boys, the girls, the Missus, And do not play the elderly Narcissus. To witch the world with noble “ loemanship ” | Is tempting, yes, but if you chance to slip, Your bones a fathomless abyss may strew, An Alpine death,—and they ’ll all pine for you. Man after fifty fits not the sublime, So stay at home nor seek a foreign climb. The aughter, Is Senex who will climb and didn’t oughter. Stick to your Alpine Club, but like old foodles, Pay, stop at home, play at whist at Boodles’ Decline with the old mania to be bitten, And you will own this tip is diamond-written (Like good Queen Bess’s repartee on glass), And a ,you ‘re saved from being an old ass! ue of guide, and chum, and wife and LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. VL.—Kew Garpens. In the gardens at Kew It were certainly sweet To be wand’ring with you, Far from city and street ; ’Twere the one thing, dear NELLIE, my joy and content to complete In the gardens at Kew. In the gardens at Kew, If my way | might take By the water with you, Oh! how merry we'd . I am sure you would dote on the dear little ducks in the lake In the gardens at Kew. In the gardens at Kew, Having tea a la fraises, We would cheerfully stew ’Neath the fierce solar rays, And in “eloquent silence” you’d meet my affectionate gaze In the gardens at Kew. In the gardens at Kew We would sit in the shade For an hour or two, Without et og aid, And your head on my shoulder (who knows * ) might be lovingly laid In the gardens at Kew. In the gardens at Kew, Far away from the crowd, Though I’m longing for you, To stern Fate I have bowed : For it grieves me, deer Nexure, to tell you, ** No dogs are allowed” In the gardens at Kew! ’ NOT MASTER OF HIMSELF THOUGII CHINA FALL. (‘The Emperor (of China) is still cursed with the violent temper of his adolescence, and “ breaks things.”’"—" Ti:nes”’ Correspondent at Pekin. | Ox! is this announcement plain truth ? Or is it mere genial mockery ? And what does this choleric youth Of China thus break—is it crockery ? It does seem unfitting, you know— At least as we Westerners see things— That the lord of Souchong and Pekoe Should be guilty of smashing up tea-things! Of course, if he had an idea Of breaking the Japanese bondage, Or breaking their hold on Korea,— Well, youth is a fiery and fond age, | And old age might find an excuse For breaking the peace ; but kind wishes Can hardly invent an excuse For breaking the plates and the dishes. He is youthful like little An Srp, It would be very mean to malign a Mere boy ; yet a true Chinese kid Should not start with thesmashing of China! The Cry of the (Literary) Croakers. BAaTRACHIANS may doubt if King Stork or King Log controller ; Be the Frog-pond’s most suitable lord a But Grub Street’s unfortunate unlauded frog a the rule of the new King Log- Roller | MEM. BY AN OVERWORKED ONE. wig brain-fag” our swift, feverish age is rife, And death is oft the mere “‘ fag-end”’ of life. SomeTHine tike A “‘ Packep Meetine,” —The meeting of the various Arctic Expe- ditions in the Polar Ice Pack.

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Aucust 18, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 75

“JUSTICE AS SHE IS SPOKEN IN FRANCE.” Dgark Mr. Poncu,—Now that we are close upon the silly season, when it is most difficult to get interesting ‘‘ copy” for the columns ®bout gigantic gooseberries , ; @ permitted to make a suggestion? No Perhaps my suggestion may be scores in the proper quartcr. of the daily papers, may I doubt you have seen an account of the examination of Caserio Hoping that this may be the case, y the President of the Court on the occasion of his trial. | I Santo Could not the idea be naturalised in London by the Metropolitan Police Magistrates? I would not, of course, propose to apply the method in cases of a serious character, but used in what are known as “the night charges,” the practice would become very interest- ing. To better explain my meaning, I will imagine that a prisoner who has been arrested on a charge of being ‘‘ drunk and incapable” is standing in front of his worship. Magistrate (with sarcasm)... You are sober now. Prisoner (in the same tone). As a judge. Magistrate (indignantly). Judges are always sober. Prisoner (with a laugh). How should you know ?—you, who are only a magistrate! (Murmurs. Magistrate. You insult me! But that will not serve you. Drink is,the curse of the country! Prisoner. You have tried it? It has been a curse to you! [ Cries of disapproval. Magistrate, You are young to bandy words with one old enough to be your father ! Prisoner. My father! You my father! What an honour! Magistrate. I do not envy him! Nor your mother! Prisoner (excitedly). You shall not speak of my mother. My mother is sacred. e shall not be referred to in the tainted atmo- sphere of a Court of Justice. [ Applause. Magistrate. This hypocrisy shall not serve you. You never loved your mother! [ Prolonged sensation. Prisoner. Your worship, vou are a liar! ud cheers. Magistrate. This to the Bench from the gutter! For you know you were found drunk and incapable in the gutter. What were you doing there ? Prisoner (tearfully). I was dreaming of my mother, my loved mother. [Sympathetic applause. Magistrate. You do not deserve to have a mother! [Prolonged sensation. Prisoner (scornfully). Only a magistrate could make such a cold- observation! [ Cheers. Magistrate. For all that you are fined five shillings and costs! @ the wretched pricener ! [The accused was then removed amidst expressions of sympathy Srom the body of the Court. There, Sir, would not that be far better reading than paragrap!s | and leaders upon the sea serpent’ | ce case, remain, Yours lly, Tae Man in THe Reporter's Box, | NOBLESSE OBLIGE, (New Version.) ‘* Ler Art and Commerce, Laws and Learning die, But leave us still our Old Nobility!” Without them, in our democratic day, Who will the of princely patriot play ? Who else will keep a splendid Family Seat, And claim—for its defence—a mighty Fleet ? Who else will make Bank Holidays a joy To wandering workman and to wondering boy ¢ Who else will rear big fortunes upon Rent, Or palaces on Unearned Increment ? Monopolise art’s treasures and life’s pleasures, And throw out dangerous democratic measures / we = will bony 9p England's Givens name ¢ o else preserve her prestige—and her game ¢ Who else will wear the and the ermine, And proudly stamp out istic vermin ¢ Who else in one grand field-day, ’midst the Peers, Undo the labours of ignoble years ? . Who else in solemn ranks, like three-tailed Turks, Defend the power of Privilege and Perks ? And ’tis these most imous Mamelukes, Our patriot Earls and foe-defying Dukes, A traitorous Chancellor would dare to—Ta, ! / ! Ah! where’s the dungeon, and oh! where's the

axe? Noblesse oblige! But sure the obligation Cannot involve that , Graduation | Is’t not enough to rule, and guide, and bless, And soar as shining samples of Success ¢ While with our Nobles land’s glory wax<s, The Proletariat ’s proud to—pay the Taxes!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avousr 18, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART VII.—IGNOTUM PRO. MIRIFICO, Scene XIL—The Amber Boudoir at Wyvern—immediately after Lady Cantine and her daughter have entered, Lady Cantire (in reply to Lady Cutverts). Tea? oh yes, my dear; anything warm! I’m positively perished — that ious col journey and the long drive afterwards! I always tell Rupert he would see me far oftener at Wyvern if he would only get the Com- pany to bring the line round close to the Park Gates, but it has no effect upon him! (As TREDWELL announces SruRRELL, who enters in trepidation.) Mr. James Srvreett! Who's Mr.——? be sure; that’s the name of my interesting young poet— Andromeda, you know, my dear! Go and be pleasant to him, Atsrnta, he wants reagsuring. Lady Culverin (a trifle~nervous). How do you do, Mr.—ah— Srvreet.’ (To herself.) 1 said he ended in ‘‘’ell”! ( Aloud.) ‘So pleased \ to see you! We think so much of your Andromeda here, you know. Quite delightful of you to find time to run down I Spurrell (to himself). Why she’s chummy, too! Old Drummy pulls me through everything! (Aloud.) Don’t name it, my la—hum—Lady Cv1- vertn. No trouble at all; only too proud to get your summons! Lady Culr. (to herself). He doesn’t seem very revolutionary! (A/loud.) That ’s so sweet of you; when so many must be absolutely fighting to get you ! Spurr. Oh, as for that, there is rather a run on me just now, but I put everything else aside for you, of course ! Lady Culr. (to herself), He’s soon reassured, (Aloud, with a touch of frost.) I am sure we must consider ourselves most fortunate, (Zurning to the Countess.) You did say cream, tonesta? Sugar, Marsre dearest ? Spurr. (to himself). I'm all right up tonow! I suppose I’d better say nothing about the horse till they do. I feel rather out of it among these nobs, though. I’ll try and chum on to little Lady Marsre again; she may have got over her temper by this time, and she’s the only one I know. (He approaches her.) Well, Lad MaIstE, here Iam, you see. I'd really no idea your aunt would be so friendly! I say, you know, you don’t mind speak- ing to a fellow, do you? I’ve no one else I can go to—and—and it’s a bit strange at first, you know! Lady Maisie (coloured with mingled apprehension, veration, and pity). If I can be of any help to you, Mr. SPURRELI ! Spurr. Well, if you’d only tell me what | ought to do! Js P) 5'A “My keys! Why, what Lady Maisie. Surely that’s very simple; do nothing; just take | everything quietly as it comes, takes. Spurr. (anxiously), And you don’t think anybody ll see anything odd in my being here like this ? Lady Maisie (to herself). I’monly too afraid they will! (Aloud.) You really must have a little self-confidence. Just remember that no one here could produce anything a millionth part as splendid as your Andromeda! It’s too distressing to see you so a ingly humble! (Zo herself.) There's Captain Taicxwesse over there—he might come and rescue me; but he doesn’t seem to care to! Spurr. Well, you do put some heart into me, Lady Marsre. I feel equal to the lot of ’em now! Pilliner (to Miss Spe.wawe). Is that the Poet? Why, but I sa —he's a fraud! Where's his matted head? He’s not a bit raged, or rusty either. And why don't he dabble? Don’t seem to know what to do with his hands quite, though, does he ? Miss Spelwoane (coldly). He knows how to do some very exquisite poetry with one of them, at all events. I’ wy & think ger marvellous ! ve been reading it, and J nee you can’t e any mis- Oh, to I Pill. 1 what it is, you're preparing to turn his matted head for him’ I warn you you'll only waste your sweetness. That pretty little Lady Marsre’s annexed Aim, Can’t you content your- self with one victim ? Miss Spelw. Don’t be so utterly idiotic! (To herself.) If Maistre imagines she’s to be allowed to monopolise the only man in the room worth talking to !—— Captain Thicknesse (to himself, as hewatches Lady Matste). She is lookin’ prettier than ever! Forgotten me. Used to be friendly enough once, though, till her mother warned me off. Seems to have a good deal to say to that Poet fellow; saw her colour up from here the moment he came near; he’s begun Petrarchin’, hang him! I’d cross over and speak to her if I could catch her eye. Don’t know, my what’s the use? She wouldn’t thank me for interruptin’. She likes these clever chaps ; don’t iguity her if they are bounders, Fey I’m not intellectual. , I wish I’d gone back to Aldershot ! Lady Cant. (by the tea-table). Why don’t you make that woman of yours send you up decent cakes, my dear? These are cinders. I’m afraid you Tet her have too much of her own way. Now, tell me are your y? Vivrew Sper- Never have that girl to meet in, I can’t endure her; and that affected little ape of a Mr. Pri- LINER — h’m! I see Captain ? Now, I don’t object to him. Matste and he used to be great friends, . ... A, how do you do, Cap- tain Tar . ? om pleasant finding you here; suc es since we saw anything of You! Why haven’t on been near ‘ts all this time?... dh, I may have been out once or twice when you ¢alled; but you might have tried again, mightn’t you? There, J for- give you; you had better go and see if you can make your with Matsre! Capt. Thick. (to himself, as he obeys). Doosid odd, the Countess comin’ round like this, Wish she’d thought of it before. Lady Cant. (in a whisper). He’s always been such a favourite of mine. They tell me his uncle, poor dear Lord DcuNDERHEAD, is so ill—felt the loss of his only son so terribly. Of course it will make a great difference—in many ways. Capt. Thick. (constrainedly to Lady Maistre). How do you do? Afraid you ve forgotten me. Lady Maisie, Oh no, indeed! (Hur- riedly.) You—you don’t know Mr. Spurrett, I think? (Introducing them.) Captain THICKNESSE. Capt. Thick. How are you? Been hearin’ a lot about you lately. Andro- meda, don’t you know; and that kind of thing. Spurr. It’s wonderful what a hit she seems to have made—not that I’m sur- prised at it, either; I always knew—— Lady Maisie (hastily). Oh, Mr. SpvuRRELL, you haven’t had any tea! Do go and get some before it’s taken away. [SPURRELL goes. Capt. Thick. Been tryin’ to get you to notice me ever since you came; but you were so awfully absorbed, you know ! Lady Maisie. Was 1? So absorbed as all that! What with ? P Capt. Thick, Well, it looked like it—with talkin’ to your poetical riend. Lady Maisie ( flushing). He is not my friend in particular; I—I admire ex y, of course. Capt. Thick. (to himself). Can’t even of him without a change of colour. Bad sign that! (Aleud.) You always were keen about poetry and literature and that in the old days, weren’t you? Used te rag me for not readin’ enough. But I do now. I was readin’ a book only last week. I'll tell you the name if you give me a minute to think—book everybody ’s readin’ just now—no end of a clever book. [Miss SpeLwane rushes across to Lady Matste. Miss Spelw. Marsiz, dear, how are you? You look so tired! That ’s the journey, I suppose. ( Whispering.) Do tell me—is that really the author of Andromeda drinking tea close by’ You’re a eat friend of his, I know. Do be a dear, and introduce him to me! declare the dogs have made friends with him already. Poets have such a wonderful attraction for animals, haven’t they ? (Lady Marsre Aas to bring SpuRRELL up and introduce him : Captain Tarckwesse chooses to der himself dismissed. —who WANE! me do you want them for *”’

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“I Avausr 18, 1894. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Miss Spelw. (with shy adoration), Oh, Mr. Spurnett, I feel as if ‘ . , I must talk to you about Andromeda, i did so admire it ! ae! ee Spurr. (to himself). Another of ’em! They seem uncommonly | _ ‘“ Fxy of Wadham,” illustrious all-round athlete of Oxford, holds that sweet on “‘ bulls” in this house! (Alond.) Yeo glad to hear you | “elf is no better than “ glorified Croquet.””}

say so, 1’m sure. I’ve seen nothing to tou er myself, I don’t Ou, Fry of Wadham, you’ve your mouth, know if you noticed all her points — ¢ And “ put your foot in it!” Here in the South, Miss Spelw. Indeed, I believe none of them were lost upon me ; Talked to death by wild golfers, we're likely to cry but my poor little praise must seem so worthless and ignorant ! Hooray, to see Link-lovers roasted by Fry. Spurr. (indulgently). Oh, I wouldn’t say that, I find some ladies Golf-glorification ’s a terrible tax on very knowing about these things. I’m having a picture done The muscular Cricketing, Footballing Saxon. of her. . To whom the e seems just a little bit pokey. | Miss Spelw. Are you really? Howdelightful! As a frontispiece’ But Fry of Wadham, Sir, ‘ glorified Croquet ”’ ! Spurr. Eh? Oh no—full length, and sideways—so as to show her Champion of Champions, you ’re going to catch it ! legs, you know. , , Each man loves his sport, swears no other can match it Miss Spelw. Her legs? Oh, of course—with “‘ her roseal toes Chacun a son got! And he’s rather to blame cramped.” I thought that such a wonderful touch ! Who's prompt to make game of another man’s Game !

Spurr. They’re not more cramped than they ought to be; she never turned them im, you know!

Miss Spelw. (mystified). I didn’t mean that. And now tell me—if “TO BE TAKEN AS READ.” it’s not an indisereet question—when do you expect there’ll be : . : ree) Dear Mr. Puncu,—Thanks to the of the Circulating | another edition { Libraries, it seems that the old-fashioned 7 Bland ume novel is Spurr. (to himself), Another addition! She’s cadging for a pup : now! (Aloud.) Ub—er—really—couldn’t say. doomed to become a work of the past. Most of the popular writers Miss Spelw. I’m sure the first must be } > of by this time, | b#ve #bandoned it, and now the ean beginning to fight I shall look out for the next so eagerly! I of it. fa principal argument, Spurr. (to himself). Time I “ off” ed it, (Aloud.) Afraid I can’t i lin ||| f Deeeare, Se eiveat sf > retention say anything definite—and, excuse me leaving you, but I think ewe 4 Fires Gineulatir 7 a . Lad Mag heme | by my ey To he if.) I h el f ries are called upon to af — iss Spelw. Oh, means | 0 herself. might as well ae : Fe 4s raise a pillar-post! And after spending quite half an hour readi intended for the edification of sub- im up, too! I wonder if Berrre Prctiwer was right; but I shall bers in the country, and in have him all to myself at dinner. Lady Cant. And where is Rurgrt? too busy of course to come| >» | and say a word! Well, some day he may understand what a sister S ££ is—when it’s too late. Ah, here’s our nice unassuming young poet) \\\\) coming up to talk to you. Don’t repel him, my dear! : S it te met within the scope cf civili. Spurr. (to himsel }. Better give her the chance of telling me ~ a d i sation to cause that a ted i what’s wrong with the horse, Foy, pall mae Er—nice old- Ss \\.. read, According to statistics I be- seri these receptacles of light literature I believe the unpopular authors =» —— have their greatest chance. But ‘mee O58 8 matter of fact, although a ~ romance may be sent to a peruser,

fashioned sort of house this, La Nn. (To himself.) I'll . be ; work round to the — resently. iw) *—\\ lieve a whoa per = of =e Lady Culr. (coldly). I believe it dates from the Tudors—if that is Lona pled. b Den suialeste of te

| what you mean. 2 = --. largel y 3 whilst ee 7 T , eo Sootman enters, and comes 4 to SPURRELL mysteriously, labours of the peper-knife. As this is co would it - be os wall to Footman. Will you let me have your keys, if you please, Sir? give 8 Soom dem rs ‘fina Oa aikes aie fer weeds te mate os we od aterm). My keys! (Susprciously.) Why, what do ertremis? To make my meaning plainer I will give an example, ag be yn Let me suppose that the country subseriber has received a novel per ty Cot te nate Aled.) Mg doae Mi ganisticated'= | parcels post called The Deed in Drab, Instead of having to out some wants your keys to unlock your portmanteau and put out your | Bine hundred pages, he finds gummed to the inside of the cover what things; you'll be able to dress for dinner all the quicker. I may call Spurr. Do you mean—am I to have the honour of sitting down

Tae Last CHAPTER. | with all of you? And so amidst the joy bells of the old church and the songs of the | Lady Culr, (to herself), Oh, my goodness, what will Rupert | nightingales, and the pleasant laughter of the little children, Enwix say’ (Aloud.) Why, of course, Mr. SpurRELL; how can you | and AnexLina were married. As they under the oaken porch | ask P the Duke gave them his blessing. Need it be said they lived happily Spurr. ( feebly). I—I didn’t know, that was all. (Zo Footman). | —like a prince and a princess in fairy tale—for ever after ? | Here you are, then. (Zo himself.) Put out my things? he’ll tind| Captain Monrmonrency Gurxt, kicked out of his club and warned off nothing to put out except a nightgown, sponge ay and a couple of | the Turf at Newmarket, left England with his ill-gotten gains for brushes! If I’d only known f should be let in for this, I’d have|Cairo. Arrived in Egypt, he di into the Soudan. Those brought dress-clothes. But how cou/d I? I—I wonder if it would be | of the Arabs who came from the desert declare that there is a white any good telling ’em quietly how it is. I shouldn't like ’em to think | ruler in Khartoum. Whether it be he, who knows? Still, the stories I hadn’t got any. (He looks at Lady Cantine and her sister-in-law, | of cruelty brought back by the swarthy traders are not unsuggestiv: who are talking in an undertone.) No, perhaps I'd better let it | of the man who brought poor Pautiwe to her grave and broke the alone. I—I can allude to it in a joky sort of way when I come | Bank at Monte Carlo, ; down! Epwarp Warts did m Many Brerzes, and they are now doing | well at Little Pannington. village all-sorts shop has grown into a | “* Stores,” and those who are in the know say that at a near date it

TO MY BEEF TEA. | will be converted into a “Company, Limited.” Be this as it may, By Our I te Post Epwarp and Mary drive to their own gig. (By Our Dyspeptic Poet.) And what became of Pav ERson? Overwhelmed with the iW . ’ y ate secret sorrow that could never he shared by another, he went his HEN the doctor's stern decree | When my poultry too he stops, » leo te dhe oe a eae 1 thers ler the starlight Rings the knell of libertee Then, reduced to taking ‘‘ slops,’”’ |! . ; , es ,. : ” | influence of the Southern Cross, and amidst the glorious glaciers of And dismisses from my sight | 1, for solace and relief, the Boomerang Mountains, he tries to forget the terrible and half- ; . ‘ly ee, O Tex sef | ! ‘ When ‘ae te rat ha. a She avi ™ ‘ | forgiven details of the ‘* Deed in Drab.” Wh s i But—if simple truth I tel en to pastry and to pie th mock ell ; Tae Esp. Duty bids me say farewell, I can brook : : 4 ‘ : The i f 5 t Thy delights, 0 Bovine Tea, There, Sir, you have the of ninety-nine novels out of hate cata ea io no special charm for me!|a possible hundred. In Ayo 3 of an experienced writer the When the doctor shakes his head, Though thou comest piping hot, | sentences might be so adapted as to meet the requirements of the ing wine or white or red, Oh, believe I love thee not ! | book com the century. Surely the sug is worthy of And at all my well-loved joints Weary of thy gentle reign— the attention of a Mupre, and the consideration of a W, H. Saitn Disapproving finger points ; Givemeoystersand champegne! | Yours faithfully, Mortem i Parvo.

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PUN ‘CH, OR THE LONDON N CHAI RIV ARI. [Aveusr 18, 1894, ro te Mr. Little Miss. SUPPRESSIO VERI. ‘AND HOW OLD ARE You, DEAR CHILD!” ss ‘*T SHOULD LIKE To say I’m EIGHT—BUT MAMMA WON'T LET ME! YE GENTLEMEN OF HOLLAND. An Ope To rae Dutrcn CaickerTers. Arn —‘* Ye Mariners of England.” I. Yr Gentlemen of Holland That guard your native stumps, Ye come to bat on wickets damp, And block the ball that bumps. The *‘ glorious game” you play amain, And may you match the foe ; And smite left and right, While the balls for ** boundaries” go ; While your batsmen run ’em fast and long, Ard the balls for ** boundaries” go! II. The spirits of your fathers Should watch you from the wave !— The brine, it was their field of fame ; On turf you ’re just as brave. As Van Tromp's and De Rryrer's did Your manly breasts must glow As vou smite left and ri bt, While the balls for “* boundaries” go: Whilst the batsmen run ’em fast and long, And the balls fur “* boundaries” go! 111. Barrtanwi loves to encounter Her ancient foes —in ce. Our march is to the wic ets green, Our home is at the crease. With volleys from her native wood She meets the friendly foe, As they smite left and right. And the balls for * * boundaries’ While the batsmen run "em fast ral Jong, And the balls for “* boundaries” It. The willows of old England, Datch willews shall not *P" umn! Your team we’ll cheer when they depart, We'll welcome their return ! Then, then ye willow-warriors, Our song and feast shall flow To the fame of your name, When to Holland back ye go ; ss = —_ ** How’s that?” is heard And to ‘Dutchland back ye go! PUTTING HIS FOOT IN Or, The Wilful Markee. (“The House of Lords, for some reason, always assumes special care of Ire land, a fact which may account for a few of the curiosities of Irish political and domestic economy.”—Mr. Punch's Essence of Parliament, June 3, 1861.) Ain—‘‘ Widow Machree.” Wurvt Markee, it’s loike thunder ye frown, Ochone! Wilful Markee ! Faith ye’d ne dows, proud Parthy by kicking Ochone ! Wilful Markee ! How haughty your air, As you kick me down-stair ' Faix, | wondher ye dare In this oisle of the free! Och, ye autoerat charl Me poor head ’s in a whirl. Ochone! Wilful Markee ! Wilful Markee, Oireland’s chance is now come, C Jehone ! ! Wilful Markee ! Whin everything smoiles must the Tories look — ? Ochone ! Wilful Markee ! Sure the Commons, wid prayers, Have sint me w Who is it that Wid me fern = divagree? IT; , Don't haughtily pish At ould Oireland's last wish ! Ochone! Wilful Markee ! Wilful Markee, whin a Bill enters in. Ochone ! Wilful Markee ! To be kicking it out in this stoyle is a sin. Ochone ! Wilful Markee ! Surely hammer and tongs To bad ould days belongs ; Far betther sing songs Full of family glee. Oireland's bad bitter cup Do not harshly fill up, Ochone! Wilful Markee! And do ye not know wid yer bearing so yuuid,— Ochone! Wilful Markee ! How ye're kaping the poor tinants out in the could ? Ochone! Wilful Markee! Wid such sins on your he ous your peace will be fled ; Could 7 slape in your bed’ Widout thinking to see My ghost. or my sprite That will wake ye each night Groaning Ochone ! Wilful Markee! Then take my advice haughty Wilful Markee, Ochone ! Wilful Markee ! loike ‘* Compensation Bill” do trate me ! Ochone! Wilful Markee ! Of stroife we all tire, Then why stir the ould fire ? Sure hope is no liar In whisperin’ to me, Hate’s ould ghost will depart When you win Oireland’s heart ! Ochone! Wilful Markee ! And not

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Avousr 18, 1894. - : rT My yer” tt aN: ALLO, WN NY! a, re , ’ sath / YW Phill LAMY Lp f jf Ay / / Vy / 'f Ay UT)

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Aveust 18, 1894.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

S ew Js <Z4 STROLL IN THE ZOO.

SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

THE MESSAGE FROM MARS, (Per favour of Mr, Punch.) Mr. Punch. 80 you’ve not been signalling to Mother Earth, after all, my noble Warrior ? Mars (with a wink). What do you think?’ Why should I dig canals 100 miles wide, and 2,000 calles long, or build bonfires as big as Scotland, when I can always communicate what I may have to say through you ? Because Mars looks spotty or misty, Some dreamers, with intellects twisty, Imagine, old horse, Mars is playing at Morse! All bosh! You ask Dyson or Curistie. . Mr. rh aa Mr. Maunper “has you under his special charge,” asn’t he ? Mars. Much obliged to Mr. Maunper, I’m sure! Wants to take my photo, doesn’t he? As if I were a mere politician, a popular comedian, or ’Arkriet at the seaside on a Bank Holiday! Mr. Punch. Have you any Bank Holidays in your planet ? Mars. Thank Sol, Mr. Punch, we have outlived the epoch of taking our pleasure in spasms, like your cockney victims of the sy voluptuary’s St. Vitus’s dance ! r. Punch. Don’t be uppish, old man! ’Tis an ill-bred age of Kodaks, and Interviews, and other phases of popular Paul Pryism. But you’ve had your ignominious moments, Mars. If a “ snap- shot ” could have taken at you when held prostrate, chained, and captive, at the feet of Otus and Ephialtes, or, still worse, when caught with Venus in the iron net of Vulcan :— All heaven beholds, imprison’d as they lie, And unextinguish’d laughter shakes the sky. Mars. Spare me, excellent Punch. Eugh! Thank heaven Olympus knew no then, or ‘‘the gay Apollo” would yet longer have had the laugh of me. Mr. Punch. Pardon me for awaking unpleasant memories! But even gods should not be bumptious, especially when, like the Second Mrs. Tanqueray, they “* have a past.’ Mars. Well, anyhow I’ve been able to baffle the camera-wielders up to now. My ruddy countenance and ‘‘ bluish radiance” have beaten Greenwich, and even licked the Lick! As they themselves admit, ‘* Mars wp to the present has defied cameral detection.” Mr. Punch. But what about those “ bright spots” ? Mars. Have ou no *‘ bright spots” even on your dull and foggy old planet ? I have often noticed one at 85, Fleet Street. In June and December it emits thousands of brilliant ks of a‘ bluish radiance,” too. But I don’t jump to the conclusion that you are

“ signalling”’ to me. Look, the naked eye can see the Punchian ** projection lumineuse” even from here! Mr. Punch. 1 do not have to “* signal” my messages to “ Hellas” or ‘ Locxyer’s Land” by canals or ‘‘ten million are lights of 100,000 candle-power apiece.” Like the Sun, I am self-luminous, and do not, like the finest planets, shine by reflected light. Mars. True for you. And from your own intellectual observatory, like TevrerspRoEcKH “ alone with the stars,” you ofttimes scan the heavens when, as LoNGYELLOW says :— ad the first watch of night is given To the red planet Mars,”

Mr. Punch, Precisely ! { Murmurs musingly. And earnest thoughts within me rise Thou beckonest with thy mailéd hand, When I behold afar, And I am strong again. —— in the evening skies e shield of that red star. The star of the unconquered will He rises in my breast. I see thee stand Serene, and resolute and still, A star of strength ! And calm, and ee lf- possessed, And smile upon my pain ; Mars. Ah yes! that’s all very pretty and poetical, and I’m much obliged to Henry Wapswortn and the other bards who have lyric- ally glorified me. But Punch, old man, you and I know better ! Mother Earth has ever paid, and payeth still, far too much worship to Mars—the Mars of her own militant seney To tell you the truth, Punch, I'm sick of my old métier, —— ly since Science stepped in and bedevilled it past bearing with her big guns, and dynamite- bombs, and treacherous torpedoes; wea more fit for grubby Vulean’s subterranean Cyclops than a god, a gentleman and a soldier like me. Mr. Punch. Hoho! That’s the way the (Lock rrn's) land lies, eh ’ Mars, Exactly. J wasn't deseineg to your stupid, conservative bellicose old world, which, like the Bourbons, learns nothing and forgets nothing. Could I’ write in plain Titanic capitals across a thousand square miles of my smoothest surface Mars’s Straight Tip to Mother Earth, viz. :— FIGHTING ’S AN EXPENSIVE BORE, S80 DISARM AND WAR NO MORE! what effect would it have on any of you, from civilised England, with you to enlighten it, to the farious fighting dragons who are tearing each other in the eastern seas? None! But if any of your quidnunes really want to know what I would say if I did signal tell them old Mars, grown wiser, has turned up War; has nailé his raven to a barn-door as a warning; has e a pet of Peace’s soft-plumed dove ; and strongly advises the belligerent boobies on earth who take his old name in vain, and play his abandoned game still, to—go and do likewise ! ! ! Mr. Punch, By the cestus of Venus, and so [ will!!!

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82 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 18, 1894. ODE TO IXION, By a Sympathetic rut Super- | ficial Observer. ) | On ! the hardest of hearts some compassion must feel For that modern Ixion, the Man on the Wheel! See him scouring the roads on his spindly-spoked spider, Dust-hid till you scarce tell the ** bike” from its rider : | His abdomen shrunken, his | shoulders up-humped, With the gaping parched lips | of one awfully pumped. | Could a camel condemned to | the treadmill look worse ” | | Sure those lips,*could he close them, would shape to a curse On his horrible doom! As gaze and stand by, With a pang at my heart, and a tear In my eye, I think of Ixion, the Wander- ing Jew, That Cork-leggéd Dutchman the Flying One, too, And other poor victims of piti- less spe 4» And I own, while their cases were frightful i ndeed, The Bicyclist’s fate worser by far. Poor soul!!! The small ** pub,’ and a *‘pull”’ at the ‘ Sool ‘ Appear your best comfort. Imagine the cheer 18 the Of purposeless effort are woe- fully knit ; Of Nature’s best charms you perceive not a bit. The hedge you | horizon, the long, dusty road Is your sole point of sight. Wretched victim, what goad Of Fate, or sheer folly, thus urges you on! 4 Old torments—like poor Io’s gadfly—are gone, /And yet, like Orestes, the Fu -whipped, you W teed an as some comet whos. pd through the blue In billion-league cycles less dreary than is The cycle on which round the wide world you whiz! Eh? Cuttinga record? You like it ? e goose!!! A task without pleasure, a toil without use! Poor soul! You are worse than Ixion, I feel, For he was not tied by himself to the wheel ! The Plaint of the Un- willing Peer. From my M. P.’ s seat I—oh, the pit must move. I = of Yanks sorrowful eirs For the Commons Fate bids me dissemble my love, But why did she kick me Of a slave of the “ bike” upstairs ? whose sole soiace is beer! . 1 , —————— You can’t see the prospect ; On Tick.—The Modern your eyes are cast down CONJUGAL EGOTISM. Novel isa blend of the Erotic, | Like Bunyan’s Muck-raker ; ‘““Wuat Aa stupip Paper THis 1s, Ronert! Nor A woRD ABovut the Neurotic, and the Tommy- your brows in a frown You 1s ir!” | rotic. WHERE TO GO. if you are not tired of Exhibitions, Antwerp Boulogne—if you don’t mind the mud of the port. Cologne—if you are not particular about the comfort of your nose. Dieppe—if you like bathing in the foreign fashion. Etretat—if solitude has commanding charms. Florence—if you are partial to 100° in the shade. Genoa—it you have no objection to mos-— 4" “Heidelberg if you are not tired of the everlasting castle. Interlacken—if the Jungfrau has the advantage of novelty. Yate if you wish to eat its jelly on the | Kandahar—if you are m De afraid of Afghan treachery. | Lyons—if you are fond of riots and émeutes. Mar seilles—if you are determined to do the Chateau D’If. | Naples—if you are anxious to perform an ante-mortem duty. | Ouchy—if you like it better than Lausanne. | Paris—if you have not been there for at least a fortnight. Quebec—if you are qualifying for admission to a lunatic asylum. Rome—it you have never the local fever and want to try it. Strasbourg —if you are hard up for an appropriate destination. Turin—if it is the only town you have not seen in Italy. tg —if you affect the Isle of Skye in a thunder-storm. Venice—if you scorn stings and evil odours. Wiesbaden—if you can enjoy scenery minus gambling. Yokohama—if you are willing to risk assault and battery. Zurich—if you can think of no other place to visit. N.B.—The above places are where to go on the keep-moving- tourist plan. But when you want to know “‘ WHER To Stay,”—we | P. reply, “ At Home.” | their contents have become distributed on the THE INCONVENIENCED TRAVELLER’S PHRASE-BOOK. To be Translated as Required.) Way have you thrown my boxes down with such violence that latform ? Why is it necessary to strike me on the head with a stick because I am taking my proper place at the ticket-office ? Why have you refused to give me change for a sovereign, minus the eighteenpence you have the right to charge for my fare ? Why do you close the door uf communication when I offer a remonstrance ? Why can I not obtain redress upon complaint to the station-master ? Why am I chased off the premises by a private policeman when I am anxious to catch the next train ? Why is my luggage being placarded with places that certainly do not correspond with my desired destination ? Why can I not have my tea cool enough to drink ? and why I am hurried out of the refreshment-room before I can discuss my bread and butter ? Why must I pay half-a-crown for comestibles valued on the card at less than a shilling ? Why am I forced into a carriage already overcrowded with aged females, sickly children, and snarling iels ? y can I not have a seat, considering I have paid the full fare, and wie, tipped the guard -%e not have a al open, considering that the glass toad wa ninety in the shade ? Why can I not smoke, having chosen a smoking Why should I be dictated to by a dieagrsae a =) elderly stranger, who snores half the journey, and helps herself to ardent spirits in the tunnels ¢ Why should I be threatened with imprisonment, and be only mad, ae repaying my my fare because I have lost my ticket ? y (for the present), why have I been carried to Little on-on-the-Ditch when I desired to reach the British Coast len yo ee Paris ? Te 1 — rr £ f>

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Aveust 18, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83 AIRS RESUMPTIVE. I1.—Tue Rime or THE ANCIENT SawBaTH-BReakER. (Being a Record of the 12th.) IT was anancient poacher-man, Bronzed as a penn ‘* By thy beady eye, now tell me why, Thou offspring of a gun, i) me why beneath thy pees 6 a pe Precisely Hangs, sbuicably vay stuffed?” He —_ his beady eye; his voice Was singularly clear ; And as I listened to his tale I could not choose but hear. . Met, ye mun ken I have not Beet on a feckless loon ; In me behold the wreck of what Was once The McAnroon. Oft have I made a merrie bag Across my native heath ; Shot o’ ~ _ ain ancestral Or aibline underneath. Until lang syne, a monie year— Ye couldna weel be born— The — twalfth of August e Upon a Sawbath morn. Braw were the birds, my gun | was braw My bluid was ’pipin’ hot ; I om - crime to gie j em | ies like a yacht. Searce had : bagged but ane wee There was the de’il to pay: It’s y ad Ase y skaith wi’ To ae the Sawbath day. THE OBSTINACY RETIRE FROM THE CROSSIN’, BUT KEEP AT IT 'E WILL, | Jest NO MORE ’N THE Broom As ‘OLDS 'IM UP!” OF THE PARENT. Emily Jane, ‘Yes, I’M ALWAYS A-SAYIN’ TO FATHER AS 'E OVGHTER THOUGH IT AIN'T pa | O, st sie omnes ! The billies wha the nicht before Were fou at my expense, They deaved the meenister aboot My verra bad offence. An’ a’ the Kirk declared the work Was ect deevilrie, An’ hub the bird by this Arsengement whilk ye eee. Twal’ month an’ mair my bear 6 Beneath the curse o’ noon, A paltry wraith of what was once The Laird o’ McArooy, An’ aye when fa’s the blessed twalfth Upo’ the Sawbath day, I bear the bird in this absurd | An’ aggravatin’ way.” | The ancient ceased his sorry tale, And craved a trifling boon, To wet a wens 5 what The Taird ny a Mek ROOX, Ditto to Mr. Courtney. As oy oa chatter and | Gratefully follows Philomel's dulecet fluting ; So, after Hannuny’s gibes and HEALY's jeers, CovusTNEY's cool — glad- dens triot ea But though his sole voice Sound “‘in the wilderness,” yet some rejoice To hear, ’midst blare of venom- ed wrath and vanity, The moving tones of brave, sound-hearted sanity. | the Stock Exchange, it may be just as well to allow ou= holdings in those securities to remain undisturbed ? What do you think? I | is searcely time to speculate for a fall?” Once more he smiled, and | as smiling is infectious, I joined him in his merriment. THE FLY ROUTE TO CASTLES IN THE AIR. (By Our Imaginary Interviewer.) I round the great man surrounded by plans and models of any | number of wonderful inventions. Here was a clever scheme for | spending a week's holiday in the Mountains of the Moon, there a | recipe for removing the spots from the | face yet the sun. to give an inventory of all the marvels. Enough to say their name was legion. ** And so you have discovered the secret of aérial navigation?” I asked, after I was comfortably seated. great man smiled. He evidently TO A VETERAN CHAMPION, [At Clifton, on Aug. 9, inGloucestershirev. Middlesex, Dr. W.G.Gracrecom- It would take too long | pleted his 1000 runs in first-class matches this summer. The other players | who share this distinction are ApeL, ALHERT Waxp, and Brock wet. | Wett hit! Mr. Punch chalks it up once more— Your ten-hundredth run between the “‘ creases” ! Why, this (at twenty-two yards apiece) is Twelve-miles-and-a half for this season's score ! But stay! we’ve no business to ‘‘ notch” each mile! With your cuts and draws, and your drives and trick hits, You ’ve only to stand still ead the wickets, And straight to the boundary “* fours” compile! With Aner, Waxp, Brockwe1t, you hold your own, As ’94 cricket now nears its finish ; We'll ho your four figures will ne’er diminish— As“ Grand Old B d Bat” you shall e’er be known ! The -— had aimed the difficult problem. \ ~ able to do without ships and railways? I | ; . 2. presume we shall be independent of cabs SSS =i d more there was a smile. I was answered. ‘“* Of course,” I pe Hews ou will be able to take your ‘- _**] suppose that now you and all will be ~_ omnibuses ?” aérial contrivances to all ~y" countries of theearth? What is there to Kevin, you from L aeaatiog cting ype -machines from London to Paris, or =i, or even Timbuctoo Ls there was a pleasant smile. ; Evi dently my guess was a QUEER QUERIES.—Tuz Law axp rae Lany.—Can it really * You be able to travel onsende of miles without the assist- | be true that at a place called Onehunga, in New Zealand, they have _ ance of rails? You will dispense with land and water? All you will|a Jady as Mayor’ Surely this is al her “ ultra rires,” as well require will be the at ere, and that is "0% with us—always as being ultra-virile! My legal know which is considerable— convinees me that there is a fatal flaw in the so- election of a woman to the chief post in a municipality, even in New Sheland—I mean New Zealand. It’s quite settled law that a femme sole cannot be a Corporation ; then lw I should like to know, can she preside over a Corporation ¥ ossibly some — readers will say if their opinion coincides with pe an BaRkISTER (UNCALLED FOR), “—_— service.’ Ss my suggestions remained uncontradict t is tiuly marvellous,” I remarked ; "marvellous ! And you have commenced? You have been able to im through the air for a dozen, a hundred feet?” There was a smile once a ain. __ “And yet, perhaps, as railways and steamships are still ‘firm’ on

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| tion,” passed Report Stage in Commons. | and Jomw Morey reply. Josep having des- | lrish Members, the shaft being barbed with | points composing pleasing legend, ‘ Violence, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 18, 1894. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Lords, Monday Night, August 6.—Manxx1ss expected to continue to-night that speech around the Budget he didn’t commence on second reading of the Bill. Sat mysteriously quiet on that oceasion. Unexpectedly broke out at following sitting, wanting to know what HeascneL. meant by saying Judicial Committee of Priv | Council had arrived at conclusion that Lords had no power to am a money bill. ‘‘ Where’s your report ’” he asked. ‘* Produce it.” Lorp Cuancetor didn’t happen to have it in his waistcoat pocket or secreted in wig. Manrxrss gave notice that he would to-night formally move for production of report. Flatter of interest in House. Commons flocked in prepared for some fresh ‘* blazing indiscre- Found the Mark1ss sitting on woolsack chatting with Lorp Cuanceittor. Held book between them, as young persons about to marry are wont to do when attending morning or evening service. Vague idea that presently they would rise and sing ahymn. Lorp CHANceELtor quite equal t» it, beg a big gun at the Bar Musical So- ciety and very fond of the Opera. Nothing however came of it, at least, not in that direc- tion. When hour for public business arrived Marxiss left woolsack carrying the tune book with him. His motion for report of Judicial Committee stood half way down Orders of the Day. When it was reached Manrxrss said nothing. Naturally other peers were silent, and whilst commoners accustomed to other ways of transacting business were marvelling as to what had happened, and what would follow, House adjourned, practically for a week. * Well,” said Sank for once nonplussed ; ‘‘ certainly if there is a place in the world where ’e don’t know where ’e are, it’s the House of Lords. When a peer is expected to speak he sitsdumb. When arrangements have been made for a quiet sitting, the MaRxk1ss or some other big gun is sure to go off unex- pectedly with alarming consequences.”’ Business done.—Irish Evicted Tenants Bill Tuesday.—It is the unexpected that happens in the House of Commons. Befel to-night with dramatic suddenness. Third reading ot Evicted Tenants Bill moved. At eleven o'clock Joseru resumed his seat with pleased consciousness of having cast some balm, in the shape of vitriol, over Irish Question. House crowded ; Devon- surre, in depression and dinner dress, looked down from Peers’ Gallery. Over the clock sat SanpHorst, presently to move first reading of Bill in House of Lords. Arranged Bill should finally leave Commons to-night. Only one hour in which Prince Artruur might speak, patched his final arrow at his old friends the Agitation, Dishonesty,’”’ Prince ARTHUR rose, with evident intent of showing, as has hap- bright things to say; but what was one speech ep so many ? Perish his speech, rather than the whole arrangements of Parliamen tary week upset. So gracefally stood aside; Driton took his half hour; Jonny Moriry followed in vigorous fighting form, marking fresh step in steady improvement as Parliamentary debater ; and before midnight all was over. Business done, — Evicted Tenants Bill rend third time by 199 votes against 167. Wednesday.—M. de Londres—the Hangman, as blunt Britons put it—ealled to-day. House engaged on Committee of Equalisation of Rates Bill ; seat found for Monsieur under Gallery, where private secretaries of ministers and heads of public offices sit when Bills affecting their departments are under discussion. ‘*Monsieur has something to do with the Home Office, n'est ce pas?” lL asked Sark. ‘* Looked in, I suppose, to help Asqurrn ?” ‘*No,” said the Member for Sark, “It’s not that. He’s heard House intends to sus- pend the Standing Orders. Wants to see how we go to work. Not above taking a wrinkle even from amateurs.” ** Ah,” said W. P. Jackson, throwing up his hands with gesture of despair. ‘‘ Knew it would come to this under present Government. First the guillotine, then the gallows.” Business done.—Quite a lot. Thursday.—Southerners long heard of plea- surable hours spent in Committee-room up- stairs, where Seotch Members engaged for weeks in Grand Committee on their Local Government Bill. Such badinage! such per- siflage! not omitting refreshing influences of another kind familiar in Noctes Ambrosiane. ’Tis said, when conversation flagged quite usual thing for J. B. Batrour and CHariLes Pearson to strip off coats and waistcoats, place two tn crosswise on floor, and go through sword--dance, TREVELYAN in the chair leading off colourable imitatior. of bagpipe accompani- aan, in which Committee joined in mad chorus, Not sure about that. Absolutely no doubt that on last day of meeting all the members stood on chairs, with one foot on the table, and, holding hands, sang “Auld Lang Syne.” Bound to say they seem to have exhausted all their hilarity in Committee-room. PARKER Suir still a good deal to say; Hozrer not uncommunicative; and Water M‘LaRen «njoys keen satisfaction of insisting on Division that presents smallest minority of the series. But, on the whole, House seems filled with what Sark tell me Edinburgh, qoedennlty suffering from the visitation, calls “* an easterly haar.” Through the cold, wet, white fog, comes one gleam of light. Jomw Morey brings in a Bill making further provision with respect to Irish Congested Districts Board. SPgAKER puts cus- tomary question, ‘* Who is prepared to bring in this Bill?” ‘‘Mr. ArrHur Batrovr and myself,” responds the Corer Secretary ; and the House gratefully goes off into a fit of laughter. ** Lovely in life,” exclaims Davip PLUNKET, pened several times this Session, how the same Macgregor proposes to “ toss the Caber”— looking with almost equal affection on his two sort of thing may be said with better effect in quite another way. Simultaneously from below gangway uprose the tall figure of Jou DILion, Ope roared with despairing indignation. Every- thing settled, to last button on the gaiter; Josep had had his half- hour; Prince Arrmve would take his, honourably leaving Jouy Mortey his thirty minutes. Then Division called; Bill read third time ; sent on to Lords; Commons comfortably home by half-past twelve. And here was Joun Dition claiming the right to reply to attacks and inuendos of the genial JosErn! Tumult rose; Dutton folded his arms and faced it. A bad sign that gesture. Remember it in years gone by, when all things were topsy-turvey; when Foxsrer was Chief tary, and, next to Paryet, the hope of the Irish Members fighting for Home Rule | was Josern CHAMBERLAIN. DiLLon in that attitude evidently immoveable ; various suggestions offered. Evade the Twelve o’Clock Rule, and sit till all was over ; adjourn the Debate. Finally agreed that Debate should be adjourned till to-morrow—to-morrow, the day on which, at end of last real fight of Session, most Members were off on the delayed holiday. Out of this dilemma Parnce Axruvr delivered a -_ Had prepared his speech through long sitting ; doubtless had many | next Session ! right hon. friends, “‘ on the Congested Districts Board (Ireland) Bill they are not divided.” Business done.—Scotch Local Government Bill. Friday.—Another ‘* Nicht wi’ Burns.” Sadder even than the last. But sooner over. By eleven o'clock report stage agreed to, ‘* Shall we take third reading now, or would you like a third night with the Bill?” asked TReveLyan. f ‘ A shudder ran through the House ; when it was over Bill hurried past final stage. Business done.—Winding-up rapidly. THE NEW NEWNESS. ‘** Tuere is nothing new under the sun.”’ Se said the proverbial preacher. But surely ’twas only his fun! A modern and up-to-date teacher Would tell him that Humour, and Art, And Daughters, and Wives, and Morality, All aim to make a fresh start In novel (and nauseous) reality ; And the wail of the Wise Man will be, pretty soon, ** There is nothing old under the sun—or the moon!’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Avover 18, 1894 SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL QVER THE WORLD, MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lto., AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL, And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. , mah | aor me SPIRITS MINERAL WATERS 27, BROOK S', LONDON. This Grand Old my HK camplg Gants beat Sas T ST., BLOOMSBURY, W fasive ite Henenanre throughont ¥ IT IN YOUR BATH. SCRUBB’s 1S ott, fe i M en a Turkey eae SORUEBB & 00., 32b South hwark Street, 8.5. MANUFACTURERS OF SCRUBB'S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP FULL DRESS CIGARETTES. THE CHOICEST CIGARETTES THAT EXPERIENCE CAN PRODUCE OR MONEY BUY, Manufactured by KINNEY BROS., New York, U.S.A. SOLD EVERYWHERE. In Packets of 20 and Boxes of 50 and 100. INSTANT RELIEF|$ UPREME? for all CLARKE, NICKOLLS & COOMBS’ (Lap.) afflicted with TORTURING SKIN DISEASES CARAMELS “ Milk,’ “Cream, " ai pentand ARE UNRIVALLED. OF ALL DEALERS Martell’s HOTTLED IN COGNAC THE KODAK These famous hand or } iripe vl came whilst embodying the most : anced idea in camera construction, are “aa sin pes and most compact Ph stographic i: ments made. aiites suitable for boy or girl, novice tography, or photographic expert a t to so pictures can be mad without recharge. Strongly recommended by travellers all parts of the globe Prices from £41: 6:0 to £22: 1:0 Mlustrated Catalogue free on application. | Manufactured solely by in a Single Application of (@iticura Ouricrna Wonas Wonpens. and its cures of torturing, disfiguring, humiliating hameurs are sain marvellous. tthe world. Price: Cotretama, iy he 1/-; Resorvext. 2/3. F. Newser’ bine 1, King Edward Street, London, E.C. * How to Cuse Every Skin Disease,” post-free, ‘WILLS® NAVY GUT]: Au Ur To-Dars Conrscrionnas Sait Tuam. | DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY or rue STOMACH, HEARTRUMY, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION, bold throughest the World. FASARES AUREOLNE YEMERCILY MAKML bee Bold by F wefeanene ant Chemo throughout Agents: R movanient “a SONS, Lonpos. _“CAPSTAN ” Brand \— *, Can now be obtained in 2-02, —_—— * Patent Air-tight Tins, in rh | Three Grades of Strength, viz. :— “MILD,” Yellow label. “MEDIUM,” Blue label. “FULL,” Chocolate label. (+> and j-lb. Patent Air-tight Tins, by all Dealers in Tobacco. W. D. & H. 0. WILLS, Limited, Bristol and London. EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., t1g-+tt7 OXPORD ST., LONDON. in, 4 Place Vendome. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. lovely nuance “ Chétain Vou ae ‘o Mair of any co’ only by W a Teather “rr Price bs. 6d., 10s bbe Vor tinting gr pe auc Mawr AMIN 16 in valeaule REAL GERM y NEVER REQUIRE GRINDING asd 5/6, i, 1 6, ea Desiers ng anni shant BOS WHIe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—<Avoevsr 18, 1894.

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Printed by W ilhem Staart Smith, of No. #0, Loraine Read, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Uffices of Mesers. Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., Lissited, Lombard Street, in the Precinct of W hitefriars, in the City of London, and published by him at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of Lendon.—Sarunpat, August 16, 1606, 3 fo) i r -” 6 ry $ Z bo ~ i £ Co £) is. Office,

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rr |An excellent PORTRAIT, No. 12 of Pictures rrom “ Puncn,” PICTURES printed in Sepia, of | having, in addition to the pages of PICTURES FROM | “ Pictures,” a Portrait of the late Joun FROM JOHN LEECH, Leecu, will be published on Friday, “PUNCH.” is given in No. 12. | August 24th. Price Sixpence. | ” PU NCH.” Vwavr™ case be returned im no wil ures of any description To thie rule there will be no exception. Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. eee a) N® 2772. VOLUME CVII. —_—p— AUGUST 25, including Postage. 15s. Od. ~ Office, is, PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. PRICE THREE PENCE. mmiinication . Cc + TIM UNICAa Lc Or C bh -¥ . “~ Via m2 OCU bei ‘we iw a SHER PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, ' LONDON. CADBURY'S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. NO CHEMICALS USED. 6@” NOTICE.— Rejected Co

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See Avaousr 25, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ] TO A SURREY HOSTESS, (A Parodie Vote of Thanks to a Town Matron, | who took a House in the Country.) Lapy Ciara Suere DE Suere, Through me you now shall win renown ; It nearly broke my country heart To come back to the dusty town. In kindliest way, you bade me stay And nothing better I de- sired, Bat Daty with a great big D Called far too loud, and I retired. Lady Ciara Sere DE} SHERE I wonder if you’ll like your name! Oh! how you all began to chaff And laugh the moment that I came. Yet ae ee more for the sake Of your dear daughter's : . girlish charms. A simple maiden not yet four Is good to take up in one’s arms. Lady Crara SHERE DE SHERE, Some newer pupil you must find, Who, when you pile his platesky-nigh, | _ Will meekly say he does not mind. You sought to beat my power to eat, An empty Ente was my reply. The cat you left in Grosvenor Square Is not more hungry now than I. Lady Ciara SHERE DE SHERE, You sometimes took a mother's view, Should learn too much from me—or you Indeed I heard one bitter word That scarce were fit for her to hear ; Our language had not that repose Which rightly fits a Suere pe SHenrr. low Ciara SHERE DE SHERE. e marriage bells rang for the Hall, The flags were flying at your door ; You spoke of them with curious gall. How you decried the pretty bride And swore her dresses weren’t by Wort1, And gaily went to church to stare At her of far too noble birth. Trust me, CLara SHERE DE SHERE, he man I saw who’s rather bent, The grand old gardener at your house Prefers the bride of high descent. Howe’er that be, it seems to me ’Tis all important what one eats. Milk pudding ’s more than caviare, And simple food than coloured sweets, Ciara, Ciara Suere DE SuHeERe, If time be heavy on your hands, And there are none within your reach To play at tennis on your lands, Oh! see the tennis court is marked, And take care that it doesn’t rain, Then stay at Shere another month And ask me down to stay again. | A VOICE FROM “THE UPPER SUCKLES.” My coop Mr. Puxcn,—I notice that in number of persons have been holding, or pro- ee holding, a meeting condemnatory of the ouse of Lords. I fancy, less of the close of the season, the site chosen has been or will be Hyde Park. Perhaps, under these circumstances, you, as the representative of the nation—equally of the aristocracy and | nobility ! And feared lest winsome Dorotuy | spite of all London being out of town, a/ that the democracy—will allow me a few lines | space in which to express my sentiments, bt! good Sir, 1 am considerably past middle age, and yet, man and boy, have | been in the House of Peers quite half-a- dozen years. I cannot say that I was added to the number of my colleagues because I was an eminent lawyer, or a successfu general, or a great statesman. I believe my claim to the distinction that was con- ferred upon me,—now many summers since, was the very considerable services I was able to afford that most useful industry the paper decoration of what may be aptly termed ‘the wooden walls of London.” | When called upon to select an appropriate territorial title, I selected, without hesitation, the Barony of Savon de Soapleigh. Savon is a word of French extraction, and denotes the Norman origin of my illustrious race. Not only was I able to assist at the regenera- tion of the ‘“‘ great unwashed,” but also to do considerable service to the grand cause with which my party in politics is honourably qenosiated. I was able to contribute a very large sum to the election purse, and having fought and lost several important consti- tuencies, was amply rewarded by the coronet that becomes me so well, the more especially when displayed upon the panelsof my carriage. You will ask me, no doubt (for this is an age of questions), what I have done since I entered the Upper Chamber? I will reply that I have secured a page in Burke, abstained from voting, except to oblige the party whips, and, before all and above all, pleased my lady wife. And yet there are those who would | wish to abolish the House of Peers! There are those who would do away with our ancient Perish the thought! for in the House of Peers I see the reflection of the nation’s greatness, But you may ask me, ** Would I do anything to improve that Chamber?” And I would answer Yes.” I would say, “Do not in- crease its numbers; it is already large enough.” Itiscommonknow- ledge that a gentle- man of semi-medi- cinal reputation, who or nearly as beneficial, to the proprietors of hoardings as myself | wishes to be creat | Viscount Cough of Mixture. Yet another of the same class desires to be known to | generations yet unborn as Lord Tobacco of | Cigarettes; whilst a third, on account of the attention he has paid to the ** under- | standings” (pardon the plaisanterie) of the ple, is anxious to figure on the roll of | honour as ** Baron de Boots.” My good Mr. Punch, such an extension of the House of Peers merely for the satis- faction of the vanity of a number of vulgar and puffing men would be a scandal to our civilisation. No, my good Sir, our noble order is large enough. I am satisfied that it should not be extended, and when I am satisfied the opinions of every one else are (and here I e a simile from an industry at has given me my wealth) * merely bubbles—bubbles of soap.” : And now I sign myself, not as of old, plain Joz Snooxs, but Yours very faithfully, Savon bE SoaPLeicn. P.S.—I am sure my long line of ancestors is discovered you shall hear the result. BYGONES. Tue midsummer twilight is dying, The golden is turning to gray, And my troublesome thoughts are a-flying To the days that have vanished away, When life had no crosses for me, love, But Proctors and bulldogs and dons, And I used to write sonnets to thee, love, In the dreamy old garden of John’s, By Jove! What atime we just . love, That week you were up for Commem. ! The dances and ag —egad, ove, How strange to be thinking of them ! How we laughed at the dusty old doctors, And the Vice with his gorgeous gold gown, And you thought it a shame that the Proctor» Were constantly sending me down. has been as beneficial, | would agree with me. When that long line We danced and we dined and we boated, Did the lions all quite comme il faut, And I felt a strange thrill when you voted Old Jounnir’s the best of the show. I remember your eager delight, love, With our garden and chapel and hal! — And oh, for that glorious night, love, When we went to the Balliol ball ! There is very poor pleasure in dancing In a stuff ball-room in June And the Balliol lawn looked entrancing In the silvery light of the moon. I fancy the thought had occurred, love, To somebody else besides me, For | managed, with scarcely a word, love, To get you to smile and agree, | We sat on the Balliol lawn, love, And the hours flew as fast as you please, | Till the rosy-tipped fingers of dawn, love, | Crept over the Trinity trees. A stranger might say he had never Heard trash in a vapider key ; But no conversation has ever Been half so delicious to me. I seemed to be walking on air, love; And oh, how I quivered when you Mnipped off a wee lock of your hair, love, And said you were fond of me too, I clasped it again and again, love, To my breast with a passionate vow. There ever since it has lain, love, And there it is lying just now. —But my heart gives a horrible thump, lov I find myself gasping for air, For my throat is choked up with a lump, ove, Which surely should never be there. And I sadly bethink me that life, love, Won't always run just as we will— For you are another man’s wife, love, And I am a bachelor still Common (Gas) Metre. ** Lieut metres’ there are many, The lightest of the lot Is what is called *‘ the Penny- -in-the Slot!” VOL. CVI. I

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[Aveusr 25, 1894. i] SA : GL; 7 as —= \N F2s H] Wi . é XX 4 Le a SS ‘ ‘ \ = SSS YA yy LAW SF Lyme UN SN ") Wf] 11) rs WT ee ea eee SA %s : : RR ae Al\iy y}) , _ EZ. y Y NYY hy / \i vite Mang Ah ii / Uf . | ' iy a Fry: isdiry Leu | oo Bs / » ' iy - ty, Y, FN i t Muy, 4 Br . ‘} XY EMBARRAS DE RICHESSES. Go away! Go AWAY WITH your wasty Mongy! I CAN'T DO WITH ANY MORE OF IT!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. sy) f Th read needle Street, ** Ds ot The Old Lady ¢

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Aveust 25, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL : L! EMBARRAS DE RICHESSES. [The Bank Return shows considerable addi- tions to the reserve and the stock of bullion.’’— | “ Times,” on “* Money Market.’’| Ricaer Old Lady you ’ll not meet, Than this one, o needle Street. Nicer Old Lady none, nor neater, But, like the boy in Struwwelpeter, wy = = That whilom chubby, ruddy lad, $i f — hy iL id The dear old dame looks sour and sad ; | eae = Nay, long time hath she seemed dejected, ; — , And her once fancied fare rejected. She screams out—‘“* Take the gold away! Oh, take the nasty stuff away ! I won't have any gold to-day.” This Dame, like Danaé of old Has long been wooed in showers of gold, By Jupiters of high finance ; But, sick of that cold sustenance, Or surfeited, or cross, or ill, The dear Old Lady cries out still— ** Not any gold for me, I say ! Oh, take the nasty stuff away !! I won't have any more to-day!!!” And on my word it is small wonder, For in her spacious house, and under, Of bullion she hath boundless store, And searcely can find room for more, Filled every pocket, purse, safe, coffer, And still the crowds crush round and «fier Their useless, troublesome deposits, ‘To cram her cupboards, choke her closets. What marvel then that she should say— ** Oh, take the nasty stuff away ! I won't have any more to-day !!”’ The yoor Old Lady once felt pride as A sort of modern Mrs, Midas ; For all she touches turns to gold Within her all-embracing hold ; Gold solid as the golden leg Of opulent Miss Kilmansegge, Bat, like that lady, poor-rich, luckless, She values now a peng muck Jess, Though once scraped up with assiduity, Because of its sheer superfluity. It blocks her way, it checks the breath of her; She dreads lest it should be the death of her. With bullion she could build a Babel, So sereams, as loud as she is able,— “* Not any more, good friends, I say! For goodness gracious go away ! ! I won't take any more to day!!!” They beg, they pray, they strive to whe dle The Old Lady «f the Street Threadneedle. The cry is still they come! they come! Men worth a “ million” or a ** plum,” The *‘ goblin,” or the *‘ merry monk” ; ‘ my me A chinketh, vom, ham ! n ‘‘ Gladstone” or in canvas bag ; But sourly she doth eye the *‘ swag,” ON THE SAFE SIDE. Peevishly gathers round her skirt, Brown. “By Geonce, Jones, THAT’s A HANDSOME UMBRELLA! WHERE DID you Get IT!” As though the gold were yellow dirt. Jones. ‘‘1 DECLINE TO ANSWER UNTIL I’vE consULTED mM¥ LAWyER!” ‘ rying. Oh, get —_ = pat do! m really getting sick of you. ard & Still the flurry, cool the fever, The proffered ‘ stuff’ I must refuse ; THE NEW AIR. Calm the | ewe stress 7 I have far more than I can use. (To an Old Tune If it be so, you for ever I’ve no more need or wish for money ‘ =f : Punch will praise and bless. Than a surfeited bee for honey. O Ray eien now, this raelly strange is Will the New Air set—oh! grand Sir !— Money ’s a drug, a nauseous dose. This New Nitrogen ! Life to a new tune? At cash the Market cocks its nose. Air that into water changes Lead us to a Lotos-Land, Sir, ’Tis useless as the buried talent, Seem not new to men, Always afternoon ? Or the half-crown to a poor pal lent ; (All our atmosphere this summer One per cent. seems rather little! As gilded oats to hungry nag. Has been ** heavy wet,’’) Can’t you make it more ? Away with bulging purse and bag! But sheer solid air seems rummer, When ‘tis solid is it brittle ? They are a bother and a pest. More Munchausenish yet ! Liquid, does it pour ? I will not store, I can’t invest. New things now are awfully common ; Rayieicn ? No? You don’t say so! With your ‘ old stocking’ be content, And it seems but fair, What lots of funny things you know ! I can’t afford you One Cent. With New Humour, Art, and Woman, Bullion ’s a burden and a bore. We should have New Air. I cannot do with any more! “ Lazy air,” one calls it gaily ; Tue DivreRESCE BETWEEN A BAD GERMAN Not any more for me, I say! Seasonable, very ! BAND AND A BEATEN CRICKET Team. — One Oh, take the nasty stuff away! ! Will it quiet us, dear Rayieion, fails to play in time and the other to ‘* play I won't have any gold to-day!!!” Soothe us, make us merry ? out time.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Avausr 25, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. { Story in Scenes.) VITI.—SURI AGREEABLE AND OTHERWISE. The Amber Boudoir. Ha, Marsre, my dear, glad to see you, You’re looking uncommonly well! RISES ART XII Si Rupe f. | weeta, how are you, eh? idea you were here! : Spurrell (to himself), Sir Rurert! He'll have me out of this ; Sir Rupert has just entered, Well, Ro- No SCENE wretty soon, I expe ' Lady Cantire (aggrieved). We have been in the house for the best part of an hour, KurertT—as you might have discovered by inquir- ing—but no doubt you preferred your comfort to welcoming a guest | who was merely your sister! Sir Rup. (to himself). Beginning already! (Aloud,) Very sorry—got rather wet riding—had to change everything. And knew ALBINIA was here. Lady Cant. magnanimously), Well, we won't begin to quarrel the moment we and you are forgetting your other guest. In an undertone.) Mr. Srpvnnett—the Poet—wrote Andromeda, floud. Mr. SpvrrRett, come and let me present | you to my brother | Sir Rup. Ah, how d’ye do? (To himself, as he shakes hands.) What the deuce am I to say to this fellow? (Alovd.) Glad to see you here, Mr, Srve- ne_t—heard all about you—Andromeda, eh? Hope | you ll manage to amuse yourself while you’re with us; afraid there’s not much you can do now though. Spurr. (to himself). Horse in a bad way; time | they let me see it. (4loud.) Well, we must see, Sir; I'll do all J can, Sir Rup. You see, the shooting ’s done now. Spurr. (to himself, professionally piqued). They might have waited till I'd seen the horse before thev shot him! After calling me in like this! ons Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, Sir Rupert. I wish could have got here earlier, I’m sure. | Sir Rup. Wish we’d asked you a month ago, if you're fond of shooting. Thought you might look down on Sport, perhaps. Spurr. (to himself). Sport? Why, he’s talking of hirds—not the horse! Paloud. Me, Sir Rupert? Not much! I’m as keen on aday’s gunaing as any man, though I don’t often get the chance now. Sir Rup. (to himself, pleased). Come, he don’t seem strong against the Game Laws! (Aloud.) Thought you didn’t look as if you sat over your desk all day! There’s hunting still, of course. Don’t know whether you ride ’ Spurr. Rather so, Sir! Why, I was born and bred in a sporting county, and as long as my old uncle was alive, I could go down to his farm and get a run with the hounds now and agai Sir Rup. (delighted), Capital ! meet : n. Well, our next meet is on Tuesday—best part of the country ; nearly all grass, and nice clean post and rails. You must | stay over for it. Got a mare that will carry your weight perfectly, and I think I can promise you a run—eh, what do you say ? Spurr. (to himself, in surprise). He is a chummy old cock! I'll wire old Seaviw that I’m detained on biz; and I'll tell em to send my riding-breeches down! (Aloud.) It’s uncom- monly kind of you, Sir, and I think I can manage to stop on a bit. | Lady Culrerin (to herself). Rerrrt must be out of his senses! It’s bad enough to have him here till Monday! (Aloud.) We mustn't forget, Rupert, how valuable Mr. SrurRe.y’s time is; it would be too selfish of us to detain him here a day longer than—— Lady Cant. My dear, Mr. Spvureett has already said he can | manage it; so we may all enjoy his society with a clear conscience. Lady CuLveRtn conceals her sentiments with difficulty.) And now, Averys, if you'll exeuse me, | think I'll go to my room and rest a little, as I’m rather fatigued, and you have all these tiresome people coming to dinner to-night. She rises, and leaves the room; the other ladies follow her example , Lady Culv. Rorert, I’m going up now with Romesta. You know where we've put Mr. Spckrewt, don’t you? The Verney Chamber. goes out, Sir Rup, Take you up now, if you like, Mr. Sporre_i—it’s only just seven, though. Suppose you don’t take an hour to dress, eh ? Spurr. Oh dear no, Sir, nothing like it! (Zo Aimself.) Won't take me two minutes as 1am now! I’d better tell him—I can sa my bag hasn't come. I don’t believe it Aas, and, any way, it’s a | exouse. (Aloud.) The—the fact is, Sir Rupert, I’m afraid that my luggage has been unfortunately left behind. “I say, you know, that ’s rather smart, eh?” Sir Rup. No luggage, eh? Well, well, it’s of no consequence, But I'll ask about it—I daresay it’s all right. [ He goes out, Captain Thicknesse (to Spunret). Sure to have turned up, you know —man will have seen to that. Shouldn’t altogether object to a glass of sherry and bitters before dinner. Don’t know how you feel —suppose you ’ve a soul abore sherry and bitters, though ? Spurr. Not at this moment. But I’d soon put my soul above a sherry and bitters if I got a chance! Capt. Thick. (after reflection), 1 say, you know, that’s rather smart, eh?’ (7 Awnself.) Aw’'fly clever sort of chap, this, but not stuck up—not half a bad sort, if he is a bit of a bounder. (A/oud.) Anythin’ in the evenin’ paper ? Don’t get ’em down here. Spurr. Nothing much. I see there’s an objection to Monkey- tricks for the Grand National. Capt. Thick. (interested). No, by Jove! —meant to have something on him. Spurr. | wouldn’t back him myself. I know something that’s safe to win, bar uccidents—a dead cert, Sir! Got the tip straight from the stables. You just take my advice, and pile all you can on Jumping Joan, Capt. Thick. (later, to himself, after a long and highly interesting conrersation). Thunderin’ clever chap—never knew oets were such clever chaps. Might be a ** bookie,” i Gad! No wonder Marsre thinks such a lot of him ! [He sighs. Sir Rup. (returning). Now, Mr. Sevurrect, if you ll come upstairs with me, I’ll show you your quarters. By the way, I’ve made inquiries about your luggage, and I think you’ll find it’s all right. (As he leads the way up the staircase.) Rather awkward for you if you’d had to come down to dinner just as you are, eh ? Spurr. (to himself). Oh, lor, my beastly bag Aas come after all! Now they'll Anew 1 didn't bring a dress suit. What an owl I was to tell him! (Aloud, feebly.) Oh—er—very awkward indeed, Sir Rupert! Sir Rup. (stopping at a bedroom door). Verney Chamber—here you are. Ah, my wife forgot to have your name put up on the deosr—better do it now, eh ? He writes it on the card in the door-plate.) There —well, hope you'll find it all comfortable—we dine at eight, you know. You’ve plenty of time for all you ’ve got to do! Spurr, (to himself). If I only knew what todo! I sha/l never have the cheek to come down as I am! | He enters the Verney Chamber dejectedly. Hope they won't carry it Scene XLV.—An Upper Corridor in the East Wing. Steward's Room Boy (toUxpersHety). This is your room, Sir—you’ll find a fire lit and all. Undershell (scathingly). A fire? Forme! I scarcely expected such an indulgence. You are sure there’s no mistake ? Boy. This is the room I was told, Sir. You'll find candles on the mantelpiece, and matches. Und. Every luxury indeed! I am pampered P im pe re d J Boy. Yes, Sir. And I was to say as supper’s at ar-past nine, but Mrs. Powrret would be ’appy to see you in the Pugs’ Parlour whenever you pleased to come down and set there. Und, The Pugs’ Parlour ? Boy. What we call the ’Ousekeeper’s Room, among ourselves, Sir. Und. Mrs. Pomrret does me too much honour, And shall I have the satisfaction of seeing your intelligent countenance at the festive board, my lad ? Boy (giggling). Lor, Sir, I don’t set down to meals along with the upper servants, Sir ! Und. And I—a mere man of genius—do! These distinctions must strike you as most arbitrary; but restrain any natural envy, my young friend. I assure you I am not puffed up by this promotion! Boy. No, sir. (Zo himself, as he goes out.) 1 believe he’s a bit dotty, Ido. I don't understand a word he’s been talking of ! Und. (alone, surveying the surroundings). A cockloft, with a painted iron bedstead, a smoky chimney, no bell, and a text over the mantelpiece! Thank Heaven, that fellow DryspaLe can’t see me here! But I will not sleep in this place, my pride will only just bear the strain of staying to supper—no more. And I’m hanged if I go down to the Housekeeper’s Room till hunger drives me, It’s not eight yet—how shall I pass the time’ Ha, I see they've favoured me with pen and ink. I will invoke the Muse. Indignation should make verses, as it did for JuvewaL; and he was never set down to sup with slaves! [ He writes. Scene XV.—The Verney Chamber. Carpet all over the Spurr. (to himself). My word, what a room !

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| Aveust 25, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LO 8&9 NDON CHARIVARL walls, big fourposter, carved ceiling, great fireplace with blazing | more than he could help, and he could assure the meeting that he logs,—if this is how the rooms? And to think I shall have to do without dinner, just when I right unc can’t, for | the religion of humanity. was getting on with ’em all so swimmingly! I must. the credit of the profession—to say of the firm—turn up in a| monkey jacket and tweed nightgown!... It’s all v: everything as it comes,” but if she was in my fix! ... And it isn’t as if I hadn't got things either. If only I’d brought ’em down, I’d have marched in to dinner as cool as a—— (he lights a pair of candles.) Hullo! What’s that on the bed? (He approaches it.) | Shirt! white tie! socks! coat, waistcoat, trousers—they are clothes! .., And here’s a pair of brushes on the table! I’ll swear they ’re not mine—there’s 4 monogram on them—‘‘ U. G.”” What does | it all meam? Why, of ! regular old 4 Sir Rupert, and naturally he wants me to do him credit. He saw how it was, and he’s gone and rigged me out! In a house like this, they ’re td for emergencies—keep all sizes in stock, I daresay.... Itisn’t‘* U. G.” on the brushes—it's ‘“‘G. U.”’—** Guest’s Use.” Well, this is what I call doing the thing in style! Cinderella’s nothing toit! Only hope they ’re a decent fit. (Later, as he dresses.) Come, the shirt’s all right ; trousers a trifleshort—but they ’1l let down ; waistcoat—whew must undo the buckle—hang it, it is undone! I feel like a hoo barrel in it! Now the coat—easy does it. Well, it’s on ; but I shall have to be peeled like a walnut to it off again.... Shoes? ah, here they are—pair of ps. ew—must have come from the Torture Exhibition in Leicester Square ; glass slippers nothing to ‘em! But they’ll have to do at a pinch ; and they do pinch like blazes! Ha, ha, that’s good! I must that to the Captain, (He looks at himself in a mirror.) Well, I can’t say they’re up to mine for cut and game style; but they ’re passable. And now I'll go down to the Drawing Room and get on terms with all the smarties ! [He saunters out with restored complacency. a) well for Lady Matsix: to say SOCIETY FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF LITERATURE Tue first annual meeting of this society, which, as our readers will remember, has been in process of formation for some yea’s past, was held yesterday. Wecannot congratulate the society on its decision to exclude reporters. It is true that our represen- tative, on seeking is- sion, was informed that his presence would be un- necessary, as members of the society, having for some time past done their - own reviewing, intended for the future to rt | themselves. The public, however, whose eager in- terest in literature is sufficiently attested not only by the literary page of democratic news- papers, but by the columns which even reactionary journals devote to higher criticism and literary snippets—the public, we say, will not brook this absurd plea, and will refuse to accept any but an impartial report of a gathering such as was held yesterday. This we have obtained, ond eo now proceed to publish it for the benefit of the world. The meeting opened with a prayer of two thousand words pegaity written for the occasion by Mr. Ricnarp L- G-Lu1-nnz in collabora- tion with Mr. Rosert B-cu-n-n. As this is shortly to be published in the form of a joint letter to the Daily Chronicle it is only necessary to say at present that it combines vigour of expression with delicacy of sentiment and grace of style in the very highest degree. By the way, we may mention that the new Prayer-book of the Society is to be published by Messrs. E-x-y M-rru-ws and J-nw L-nx, at the ‘‘ Bodley Head,” before the end of the year. It will be prafusety illustrated by Messrs. A-pr-y B-anp-1-y and W-trr-R S-ck-krt, who have also designed for it a special fancy cover. Only i S issued. To return, however, to the three hundred copies will meeting. After harmony had been restored, Mr. W-i1-z B-s-nt asked leave to say a few words. His remarks, in which he was understood to advocate the compulsory expropriation of publishers, were at first | listened to with favour. Happening incautiously to say a word or two in praise of a Mr. Dickens and a Mr. THacxenay he was groaned down after a sturdy struggle. Mr. Dickens and Mr. THackeRray were not, we understand, present in the room at the time, _ Mr. H-s-nr Cx-cK-NTH-RPE rose and denounced the previous speaker, Literature, he declared, must be vague. What was the | use of knowing what you were driving at? hat was the use of | anyone knowing anything? Personally he didn’t mean to know | and that’s all J’ve got except aj could do something in the dairy and orch ake the following example :— must be GEORGES, eq | She believed, Gzornck MEREDITH wus an exception, but that only be born at all ? € do a ret here, what price the other fellows’ | could _ a great deal; yes, he could help his fellow-creatures to a erstanding of the value of patchwork and jerks. That was speaking, but he N-rM-n G-ie said he wasn’t much style. He then gave Mr. Enter Cexta, robed in white, Ceiia’s been a-milking. Cert daily doth indite Praises to the Pill-king. Ceta’s flocks and Ceita’s herds om? she ean teach em) All produce their cream and curds, Helped by Mr. B-cu-m. A loud cheer greeted the recital of this charming pastoral, and one editor, who is not often a victim to mere sentiment, said it reminded him of his happy childhood, when he used to take Dr. Grecony’s | powders after a day spent in the neighbouring farmer's orchard. The next speaker was G-once Eo-rt-n. All women, she said, GerorcEe Sanp and Grorce ELior were women Women were a miserable lot: it was their own ? (Hear, hear,” from Mrs. Mona Carnp.) Why at all for a reply. At this point Mr. W. T. S1-ap entered the room and offered to talk about ‘* Juria in Chicago,” but the meeting broke up in confusion, without the customary vote of thanks to the Chair. roved her rule. ault, Why m HOW IT WILL BE DONE HEREAFTER. (A Serene Ducal Romance of the Future.) His Highness was smoking a pipe at the close of the day in the fair realm of Utopia. He had finished dinner, and was discussing his lager beer, which had quite taken the place of coffee. “Dear me,” said the Duke, rather anxiously, as he no- ticed the Premier was seating himself in a chair in his near neighbourhood; “ I am afraid I am in- disgrace.”’ “Not at all, Sir,’ replied the Minister, graciously, ‘* On the contrary, in the name of the peopleof Utopia, I beg to offer you my sincere thanks,” ‘* For what ?” que- ried the Duke. ‘* For doing your duty, my liege. Not that that is a novelty, for, as a matter of fact, you are always — se ‘*T am pleased to hear you say so,” observed His Highness ; ‘‘ as | was under the impression that I rather shirked my engagements.”’ ** Not at all, Sir—not at all. If you consult your memory, you will find you carried out to-day’s programme to the letter.” ** Had I not to lay a foundation stone, or something, this morning *”’ ‘* Assuredly ; and you touched a cord as you were getting up, and immediately the machinery was set in motion, and the stone was duly laid. Much better than driving miles to have to stand in a drafty marquee,” ** And had I not to open an exhibition ?” ‘“* Why, yes. And youopened itin due course. Your equerry repre- sented you and ground out your speech from the portable phonograph.” ‘* Well, really, that was very ingenious,” remarked His Highness. ‘* But was I not missed ?”’ “You would have been, Sir,” returned the Premier, ** had we not had the forethought to send down the lantern that gives you in a thousand different attitudes. By revolving the dise rapidly the most life-like presentment was offered immediately.” ‘ Exce)lent! and did I do anything else?” ‘Why your Highness has been hard at work all day attending reviews, opening canals, and even presiding at public dinners. Thanks to science we can reproduce your person, your speech, your very presence at a moment’s notice.” notice. ‘ Exceedingly clever!” exclaimed His Highness. “Ab, how much better is the twentieth century than its predecemor 7“ And no doubt the sentiment of His Highness will be approved by posterity.

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[Acoust 25, 1894, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Zz IA = faa, : 2 WE: x ———_— — il ITD = PKK a | HOLIDAY CHARACTER SKETCHES. Lirr.e Binks Loves CLARA PurKiss, WHO Loves Bio STANLEY Jones, WHO LOVES HIMSELF AND NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD! WHICH Is THE MOST TO BE PITIED OF THE THREE! COUNTING THE CATCH. A Waltonian Fragment, First Piscator, R-s-n-ny. Second Piscator, H-rc-Rt. First Piscator. Ob me, look you, master, a fish, a fish! [ Loses it. Second Piscator. Aye, marry, Sir, that was a good fish; if I had had the luck to handle that rod, ’tis twenty to one he should | not have broken my line as you suffered him; I would have held | | him, as you will learn to do hereafter; for I tell you, scholer, fishing is an art, or at least it is an art to catch fish. Verily that is the second brave Salmon you have lost in that pool ! | Firet Piscator. Oh me, he has broke all; there’s half a line and a good flie lost. I have no fortune, and that Peers’ Pool is fatal fishing. Second Piscator. Marry, brother, so it seemes—to you at least ! | Wel, wel, ’tis as small use erying over lost fish as spilt milk; the | sunne hath sunk, the daye draweth anigh its ende ; let us up tackle, and away! First Piseator. Look also how it begins to rain, and by the clouds if I mistake not) we shal presently have a smoaking showre. Truly | it has been a long, rough ay and but poorish sport. | Second Piscator, Humph! I am fairly content with my catch, and had all been landed that have been hookt—but no matter! ‘“* Fishers must not rangle,” as the Angler's song hath it. First Piscator. Marry, no indeed! (Sings.) We have hooks about our hat, We have rod and gaff too ; We can cast and we can chat, Play our fish and chaff too. None do here Use to swear, el wars, Oathes do fray And their jars; Fish away. It ia the beat of any! who 'd mar it with mere strife Sure H must be a vany. Other men, Now and the n, | | OU the brave fisher’s life | | | | Our rule stil Is goodwill. Fishers must not rangle. Second Piscator. Well sung, brother! Oh me, but even at our peaceful and vertuous pastime, there bee certain contentious and obstructive spoil-sports now. These abide not food old Anglers’ Law, but bob and splash in other people’s swims, fray away the fish | they cannot catch, and desire not that experter anglers should, do | muddy the stream and block its course, do net and poach and foul- As we gaily angle. hook in such noisy, conscienceless, unmannerly sort, that even ho.est angling becometh a bitter labour and aggravation. First Piscator, Marry, yes brother! the Contemplative Man’s Re- creation is veri)y not what it once was. What would the sweet singer, |Mr. Wiritram Basse, say to the busy B's of our day; Dusartas to B-xtL-y, or Mr. Tuomas Barker, of pleasant report, to Tommy B-wi-s? | Second Piscator. Or worthy old Cotton to the cocky MacuLtum More? First Piscator. Or the equally cocky BrummaceEm Boy ? Second Piscator, Or Dame Juttana Beavers to B-LF-vR ? First Piscator. Or Sir Humparey Davy to the haughty autocrat of H-tr-Lp? Second Piscator. Wel, wel, I hate contention and obstruction and all unsportsmanlike devices—when I am fishing. First Piscator, And so say I, (Sings.) The Peers are full of prejudice, As hath too oft been tri’d; High trolollie lollie loe, high trolollie lee ! Second Piscator. The Commons full of opulence, And both are full of pride. Then care away | and fish along with me! First Piscator. Marry, brother, and would that I could always do |so. But doomed as we often are to angle in different swims, I may not always land the big fish that you hook, or even—— | Second Piscater. Wel, honest scholer, say no more about it, but \let us count and weigh our day’s catch. By Jove, but that bigge one I landed after soe long a fight, and which you were so luckie as to gaff in that verie snaggy and swirly pool itselfe, maketh a right brave show on the grassie heals ! And harkye, scholer, ’tis a far finer and rarer fish than manie woule suppose at first sight | | (Chuckleth inwardly. | First Piseator, You say true, master. And indeed the other fis \though of lesser bigness, bee by no manner of meanes to be sneezed at. Marry, Master, ’tis none so poor a day's sport after all—con- sidering the weather and the much obstruction, eh ? Second Piscator. May bee not, may bee not! Stil, I could fain wish, honest scholer, you had safely fanded those two bigge ones you lost in Peers’ Pool, out of which awkward bit of water, indeed, I could fain desire we might keep a// our fish!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—<Aveusr 25, 1894.

4 = Ae a4 | Le te ’ A V

re Loa} \ \ iy Wey ‘ 1 \y

\ th Hy ‘ / Y ieee nth f MM WY —— & ¢ Wwe ‘3 Ses = =< \' COUNTING THE CATCH. Rosxpery. “ NOT SUCH A BAD DAY AFTER ALL!” WISH YOU’D LANDED THOSE OTHERS ALL THE SAME!!’ Harcovrr, * NO!

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Aveust 25, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 93 =

Pa laa “ ’ And, frankly, 1 cannot pocwed | That he was quite a gentlemen. Their ee for which man strives, | ___Regard with the smallest delight He lived more calmly in his sea And mostly ends his days with—dinner ! The vile cacoéthes scribendi Than any Bishop; never crossed 1 ; Which led you to write. In any sort of vs aly he Your talk ia most charming, I know it, | eve Joved, and never lost. VERSES TO THE WEATHER MAIDEN. You readily fascinate all, No cruel maid had ever spurned , But yet as a bee nine poet | His heart, such grief no oyster knows ; Lapy, the best and brightest of the sex, Your worth. I’m afraid. is but small : Nor hatred ever in him burned Whose smile we value, and whose frown Your festusen, thench well-nigh perfection, | Against the rival whom she chose. we fear, ss ; Of the obstacle hardly dispose Let me proclaim the miseries that vex That you haven’t the faintest conception The numerous throng who all esteem you Of how to write prose!

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ear; - _’ Tis not that you habitus!'y «appear You think it would be so delightful iq Serenely contemplating the Atl intic To see your productions in print ? IF, AL.- —— In raiment which, if fashicnvble here, | Well, do not consider me spiteful W ould greatly shock the properly pedantic, For daring discreetly to hint Make Glasgow green with rage, and Mrs. | That in this too-crowded profession, : y , = Guonpy frantic ; _ Where prizes are fewer than blanks, =F P C = Your classical costume @ true delight is | } oF oe - eo ee, o “ ae —ae : To all who study you from day to day, | " Rejected—with thanks.” y Z And even if it hastens on bronchitis : eh It serves your graceful figure to display: | Anh ee Ton doy a soomere nn Wale But now your thousand fond admirers | Allow for your moments of leisure = : oe. Amid the tumult of the London traffic Some other pursuit to suffice ; 7 And in each rural unfrequented way Ant. Se Tout esily cries ae . : Lo ® po ~ ar look with snrile ortia seraphic : y ; os aes enntiase bo tne ” Yet, when considered, all appeared And prophesy ‘ Set Fair’ within the Daily a Too softly calm, too free from strife ; Graphic!” , ce F He be t, and, sighing, stroked his! 799 Jong, too long, each wonshlgnee aeies, . ry nD , yearad, P . ‘4 Vu rit » tholwy A MODERN TRAGEDY. ‘There does not seem much use in life.” eg ng <= Woo With metenchely | Our hostess told us off in pairs, By chance, upon this very day Predicted new “‘depresions” from the | I had not caught my partner's name, A London sparrow, for a minute, States, " ¢ But learned, when half way down the stairs, Was thinking somewhat in this way | Or ** V-shaped cyclones” nearing us from = oe been a Primrose Dame ; Of life, and what the deuce was in it, France ; as reer ee | And, ere the soup was out of sight, | aktie , » and dow Our summer flies, oh, hera ne advance She’d found, and left behind, her text on | i one Sie ‘trunk % ~ Of decent weather ere its course be ended, | A speech, if I remember right, His nest was far above the town, Pat your umbrella down, and if by Attributed to Mr. Sexton, Upon the buildings known as Hankey’s.

chance ‘ Piscaton grumble, let him go unfriended, | And I—I sat and gasped awhile, He thought, with pardonable pride, Heed mo fr selfish aa but give us | _ And only when we reached the pheasant, Unlike a pampered, gay canary, sunshine splendid ! | Assuming my politest smile, He worked—it cannot be denied 4 flinche ’ And with an air distinctly pleasant, That “‘ Laborare est orare.” ee compl “- -— Atte i y i 4 r , ‘ e y tempted Sumy nest iii He worked with all his might and main, In working out the barometric inches, y Yet now he chirped with some misgiving, Or ta at the fickle sneroid Beko ~iepe-4 ad m7 pee stage-ellect— “Shoot meifI know whatI gain, Wet band dry we equally avoid, © newest ways of painting panels. There does not seem much use in living.” — Jy you, and you alone remain, our I tried in vain. ‘ Ah, yes,” she said, Soon after this the bird and fish en be not by our forwardness annoyed, ** And that reminds me—this Dissent ”"— | Were slain by old, relentless foes, Nor let our lications rise in vain, — And thereupon began, instead, | When death was near, each seemed to wish Oh, Daily Grap ic maid, smile, smile on us Diseusssing Disestablishment ! | To keep his life—why, no one knows. =| again

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| 94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 25, 1894. | THE YELLOW RIDINC-HABIT. | (nano, he had a yellow jacket Fitting rather nice and slick W het the garment got the sack, it [ sick e him simply deathly with objurga- n hung was dae—or he’d be ) endish machinations Of a man who rhymed with Bung. But his lord in mild, celestial, Manner moralised and said ‘* There are other really bestial rhings I might have done instead [tied you Might, in point of fact, have lo a poplar with a splice, And « xply itly denied you Every claim to Paradise. Nay, I even wondered whether | should play another card, And reduce your dorsal tether iby a matter of a yard (ir curtail your nether raiment This | waived as rather Coarse, Or appropriate 3 As a marsha ir payment if the forea, But I gave you just a gentle, If humiliating, shock, Mach as any (Occidental Castigates the erring jock, Who in place of freely plag- Sarmiines A Borris!” The Major. ‘‘Venv nicer! At a reasonable rate, By irregularly lugging PEARLS BEFORE SWINE. The Vicar. ‘WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT Buacrunpy? Ir’s THI ging LAST BOTTLE OF SOME THE DEAR Bissor GAVE me, Ir « 3uT I SHOULD JUST LIKE Yol Lets a rival take the plate. |/ cave Tweive Saitiives A Dozen ror!’ Thus I delicately hinted It was time to jog your gee; And the proper view is printed, In the pagan P. M. G., Homey. that you might be c Of a deal of sultry dirt, And do better in an airy | Waistcoat with a cotton | shirt. | Doubtless habits have a lot to Do with character as such, | Yet the prophet warns us not to | Trust in colour very much ; | And indeed your yellow cus- bok” | Came to smack of rotten | cheese, ; Since they took to making mus Books and Astersover-seas,”’ Noble Half Hundred!!! | ‘* We mean to keep our Empire in the East!’ So sang the music halls with noisy nous, Well, one thing now is very clear at least, Our Empire in the East can’t keep—a House ! [s our Indian Government fairly cheap ? men ask Are Anglo-Indian rulers 1 wise aud thrifty ? ost HIM LiGHTBEX | The Commons meet to tackle that big task, And Fowter’s speech is listened to by—Fifty ! rO TRY SOME ROBERT AT GRINNIDGE. How werry particklar sum peeple is in having it adwertised where they have gone to to spend their summer holliday. I wunce saw it stated, sum years ago, that the Markis of Sorntsperry had gone with the Marchoness to Deep, I think it was, and then follered the staggering annowncement that Mr. Deputy Mucerns and Mrs. Mveerns was a spending a hole week at Gravesend! I’m a having mine at Grinnidge, and had the honner last week of waiting upon the Ministerial Gents from Westminster, and a werry jowial lot of Gents they suttenly seems to be. I likes Grinnidge somehow ; it brings back to fond memmory the appy days when I fust preposed to my Misses Ropert in Grinnidge Park. and won from her blushing lips a fond awowal of her loving detachment for me! Ah! them was appy days, them was, and never cums more than wunce to us; no, not ewen in Grinnidge Park. I’m teld as how as Appy Amsted is not at all a bad place for this | sort of thing; but I cannot speak from werry much pussonal x perience there myself. | “Having a nour or two to spare before the Westminster Dinner, I | took a strol in the butiful Park. Not quite the place for adwenters, but I had a little one there on that werry particklar day as I shant soon forget. I was a setting down werry cumferal on a nice cumferal seat, when a nice looking Lady came up to me, and setting herself down beside me asked me wery quietly if I coud lend her such a thing as harf a crown when to my great surprise she bust out a crying, and told me as how as she had bin robbed, and had not a penny to take her home to London! What on airth coud I do? I coudn’t say as I hadn't no harf crown coz I had one, and I carnt werry well tell a hun- blushing lie coz I allers blushes if I tries one, so I said as how as it was the only one as I had, and so I hoped as she woud return it to me to-morrow, and I told her my adress, when she suddenly threw her arms round my neck and aeshally kist me, and then got up and ran away! and I have lived ever since in a dredful state of dowt and unsertenty for fear as she shoud call when I was out and tell Mrs. Rosert the hole particklers! and ewen expect her to believe it! Ropert. I was that estonished that I ardly knew what to say, | THE NEXT WAR. Fragment from a Romance of the Future.) Tue successful General, after winning the great victory, acted with decision. He cut all the telegraph wires with his own hands, until there was but one left in the camp—that which had its outlet in his own tent. He called for the special cor- > respondents. They came reluctantly, writing in their note-books as they approached him. “Gentlemen,” said he, with polite severity, “*T have no wish to deal harshly with the Press. I am fully aware of the services it does to the country. But, gentlemen, I have a duty to perform. I cannot allow you to communicate to your respective editors the glorious result of this day’s fighting. For a couple of hours you must be satisfied to restrain your impatience.” “It will yet be in time for the five o'clock edition,” murmured one of the scribes. *“*And I shall be able to get it into the | Special,”” murmured another. Then the General bowed and retired to his | own tent. At last he wasalone. Overthere- , ceiver to the telephone was a board inscribed # with various numbers, with names attached a thereto. He saw that 114 stood for ‘‘ Wife,” 12,017 for ‘* Mother- in-law,” and 10 for ‘‘ Junior United Service Club.” But he selected none of these. ** No. 7,” he cried, suddenly applying bis lips to the receiver and ringing UD, ** are you there?” - y, certainly ; what shall I do?” “Why. buy 30,000 Consols for me,” was the prompt reply. And then the General a few minutes later added, ‘* Have you done it?” “*T have—for the next account.” | And then the warrior smiled and released the Press-men. Nay, more, he ordered the telegraph wires to be repaired. All was joy }and satisfaction. The glorious news was flashed in a thou different directions. The name of the general received immediate immortality. | And the great commander was more than satisfied. His fortune was assured. Before allowing the news to be spread abroad he had | taken the precaution to do a preliminary deal with his stockbroker! eet A thet O@ © 2 ot hei eee ee 6 lee eee ee ee ee os oes oe — j

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Aveust 25, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | AN ALPINE RAILWAY. ABOMINABLE work of man, | Defacing nature where he can With engineering ; : | On plain or hill he never fails | To run his execrable rails ; Coals, dirt, smoke, passengers | and mails, At once appearing. To Alpine summits ally go To. The locomotives to and What desecration ! Where playful kids blithely skipped, Where rustic goatherds gaily tripped, | Where clumsy climbers some- times slipped, He builds a station. | Up there, where once upon a ume [would climb Determined mountaineers To some far chdlet ; Up there, above the carved wood toys, [boys Above the beggars, and the once | Who play the Ranz des Vaches —such noise Down in the Thal, eh? | Up there at sunset, rosy red, | And 2 you ’re out of You see the summit, Majestic, high above the vale. It 1s not difficult to scale— The fattest folk can go by rail To overcome it. For nothing, one may often | near, Is sacred to the engineer ; He’s much too clever. Well, I must hurry on again, | That mountain summit to at- tain. train. | it seems HERE!” | Good-bye. I’m going by the| Iclimbit? Never! a res f , is ‘ “FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD.” | Tourist from London (to young local Minister). ‘‘ How qurer ann pracervt | “* This rot take root in us ? Minister. ‘‘En, Frirenp, IT SEEMS PEACEFU’, WERE WITHIN SEVEN Mites 0’ Pern AN ANGLO-RUSSIAN ECHO. | [At Baku, on the Caspian, a Society has been formed to abolish hand-shaking and kissing, on the ground that bacilli are propagated by such personal contact. The ladies, however, have protested against this to the Governor-General. Daily Telegraph.) Baku is a place that is pretty well Grundytied, Where the good folks have all frolic and fun defied, wave, I’d be shunned, if Play at Whit-Mondayfied Games such as * (atch-can”’ and Kiss-in-the-ring ! For the greybeards, it seems, of this naptha-metro- _ : (Re ly, their reason about to o’ertopple is) All o’er the shop ’II hiss, Hollering, *‘ Stop! Police ! Hi, there! hand-shaking the mischief will bring !’’ And kissing, they think, only leads to diphtheria Well, I should say, such a dread of bacteria Quite beyond query, a- -mounts to hysteria! |No, it won’t ** wash” don’t either, I fear! they But Sonta and O16, and Vira are mutinous, | Rightly, I think, at such non- sense o'erscrutinous, No, keep salutin’ us! ”’ Echo our Manes and Mavps WHA WAD THIXK WE , over here ! LEs |” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Lords, Monday, August 13.—Sorry I didn’t hear the Duke of ArGYL. Have been told he is one of finest orators in House : of the antique ; something to be cherished and honoured. going on? Very well then, you would see the contest among the pipers. You have watched them strutting up and down with head thrown back, toes turned out, cheeks extended, and high notes thrill- ing through the shrinking air. There you have Duke of Aroyiti— | God bless him !—addressing House of Lords. He is not one piper, | but many. As he proceeds, intoxicated with sound of his own voice, eestatic in clearness of his own vision, he competes with himself as the pipers struggle with each other until at last he has, in a Parlia- mentary sense of course, swollen to such a size that there is no room in the stately chamber for other Peers. Nothing and nobody left but His Grace the Duke of Arcyi1, Towards end of sixty minutes apoctaase begins to pall on wearied senses; but to begin with, it is almost sublime. For t -two years, he told Rosesery just now, he had sat on the opposite benches, a Member of the Liberal Party. He sat elsewhere now, but why? Because he was the Liberal Party; all the rest like sheep had gone astray. Pretty to see the Marxiss with blushing head downcast when ArcYLt turned round to him and, wit sing tone and manner, hailed him and his friends as the = -— whom a true ey might eonegne. In come o- stances, bearing insupportably tious. In the Duke, with the time limit hinted at, it is delightful. He really un- feignedly believes it all. Sometimes in the dead unhappy night, when the rain is on the roof (not an uncommon thing in Inverary) he thinks in sorrow rather than in anger of multitudes of men hopelessly in the wrong; that is to say, who differ from his view on particular oubjects at given times.” Lomiainese done.—Second Reading of Evicted Tenants Bill moved in at Were you ever,”’ Sark asked, ‘at Oban when the games were | Tuesday.—F¥or awhile last night, whilst Lanspowne speaking, | CLANRICARDE sat on rear Cross ch immediately in front of Bar | where mere Commoners are permitted to stand. ay them at | this moment were Tim Hearty, O’Briey, and Sexton, leaning over rail to catch Lanspowne’s remarks. Before them, almost within |hand reach, certainly approachable at arm’s length with a gocd | shillalegh, was the bald pate of the man who, from some points of | view, is The Irish Question, Crawricarpe sat long unconscious of the proximity. Sark, not usually a squeamish person, after breath- \lessly watching this strange suggestive contiguity, moved hastily laway. This is a land of law and order. Differences, if they exist, lare settled by judicial processes. But human nature, especially Celtic nature, is weak. The bald pate rested so conveniently on the edge of the bench. It was so near; it had schemed so much for the undoing of hapless friends in Ireland. Whatif * * * To-night Cranricarpe instinctively moved away from this locality. Discovered on back bench below gangway, from which safe quarter he delivered speech, showi how blessed is the lot of the light-hearted peasant on what he called ‘‘ my campaign estates.” The Marxiss and CLaNRIcARDE rose together. It was ten o'clock, the hour appointed for Leader of O ition to interpose; in anticipa- tion of that event the House crowded from floor to side galleries gar- landed with fair ladies. Privy Councillors pe each other on steps of Throne ; at the Bar stood the Commons closely packed ; Trm Heaty, anxious not again to be led into temptation, deserted this quarter ; surveyed scene from end of Gallery over the Bar. The Mankiss stood for a moment at the table manifestly surprised that any should uestion his right tospeak. According to Plan of Campaign prepared orehand by Whips now was his time; Rosresrnry to follow; and Division taken so as to clear House before midnight. CLANRICARDE recks little of Plans of Campaign: stocd his ground and finally evicted the Marxiss; cast him out by the side with no other | compensation than the sympathy of Hatssury and of Rutiayp, who sat on either side of him. : When opportunity came the Marx1ss rose to it. Speech delightful

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| stinctively thinking of Member fur Camborne the hon. Member.” 96 to hear; every sentence a lesson in style. up slabs cast aside by the regular quarrymen, Hard task for young Premier to follow so old|and split them into slates; and that, erer and so perfect a Parliamentary hand. Makk18s | since, he has been engaged as a pupil teacher spoke to enthusiastically frendly audience. | and a schoolmaster.’ Rosewery recognised in himself the represen- Shall put notice on paper to ask Bryn Rowerts whether the sequence therein set forth is usual in Wales, and whether picking up slabs and splitting them into slates is the tative of miserable minority of thirty; un- daunted, undi«mayed, he played lightly with the ponderous personalities of ArncYLL, and looking beyond the heads of the crowd oficily customary pathway to pupil teachership. indifferent Peers before him, seemed to see Long night in Committee of Supply; fair the multitude in the street, and to hear the progress in spite of Werrand Ciarx. Trim Beaty sprang ambush on House of Lords: murmur of angry voices : Business done. Lords throw out Evicted | moved to stop su for meeting their house Tenants Bil) by 249 votes against 30. hold expenses, Nearly carried proposal, too. Vote sanctioned by majority of nine, and these drawn from Opposition. Business done, Supply. ———@— Thursday Midnight. Spent re stful even- | ing with Indian Budget. There is nothing exceeds indignation with which Members re- sent postponement of opportunity to consider Indian Budget, except the unanimity with which they stop away when it is presented. Number present during Fow.er’s masterly exposition not equal to one per ten million of the population concerned. Later, CHAPLIN endeavoured to raise drooping spirits by few A HAWARDEN PASTORAL ; Or, The Grand Old Georgie. [“*The whole care of poultry, the production of eggs, care of bees, and the manufacture of butter —of itself 4 most important branch of commerce — remarks on bi-metallism. Suecess only par- | are really included within the purposes of thi- tial. (Cciark did much better. Gemially | little institution.’.—Mr. Gladstone on “ Small began evening by accusing Seurne or MaAL-| Culture,” at the Hawarden Agricultural and woop of humbugging House, That worth at | Horticultural Fete, August 14, 1894.) least a dozen votes to Government in Division that followed. Tim Hearty, who can’t abear strong language, was one who meant to vote | against proposal to take remaining time of Session for Ministers. After CLark’s speech, voted with and for the Sevier. Crakk closed pleasant evening by insisting on Division upon Statute Law Revision Bill running through Committee. Will the hon. Member name a teller,” said Chairman, blandly. **Mr. Conypeare,” responded Crark, ia- as most likely to help in the job he had in hand, But Conyeekare is a reformed character. Even at his worst must draw line somewhere. Drew it sharply at Crauk. Appeared as if game was up. On the contrary it was WerR. Deliberately fixing a pair of cantankerous pince-nez that seem to be in chronic condition of strike, Weim gazed round angered Com- | mittee. With slowest enunciation in pro-| foundest chest notes he said, ** I will tell with | G. O. Melibeeus sings :— Wnrart am I piping about to-day ” Butter, and e998, and the care of bees / What shall I praise in my pastoral way ” Butter, and eqgs, and the care of bees ! Here I am, smiling, afar from strife, | (Indifferent substitute, true, for my wife ' but, since procedure in case of frivolous and Discussing, as though they 'd aheerted my life vexatious Bivision seems forgotten by Chair, | Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees: no help for it. If there are two Members to | 4 Georgic, my lads, is my task this time. **tell,” House must be = told.” But there | Butter and eggs. and the care of bees ! tyranny of two ceases. You may take horse | Horace I’ve Englished in so-so rhyme, to water but cannot make him drink Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees! Committee roared with anguished despair ; | Similiarly you may divide House, but cannot | To-day I am in a Virgilian vein, | compel —. came to pass that after Division (LARK and | 4nd go I will sing, like some Mantuan swsin, | other Squrne : | when a-ked by the Clerk, ‘ How many?’ the embers to vote with you. toral ardour I cannot restrain ; Thus it | My Werk marched up to table with confession| Putter and eggs, and the care of bees ! that they had not taken a single man into the | ; S : Lobby with them. had nothing to tell. “ They 're worse off by a moiety than the) Squire in the Canterbury Tales,” said Sank—| Him who left half teld rhe story of Cambuecan bold.” | I hear ** Yes, poor needy Knife-grinders,” said the | “if they ’d only thought of it | Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! Though Irish butter, you know, is good.) Butter, and eggs, and the cure of bees ! ster way y B's lay ht have ° be might have answered, | Members, Gcd bles) "'D ser, and eggs, and the care of bees! Indian Budget through | «‘ The frugal bee,” (as the Mantuan sings), Business done. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. They had told, but they | Home Rule? Dear me,no! Notatall in the mood ! they "re yet wrangling down West- min : The ** Busy B's” there are still having their y | say. —_ | Now the care of those B’s—but that is not my The ladies have taken to speeches of late, Butter, and e998, and the care of bees ! Serious matter, dear friends,—for the State! Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees! On Female Suffrage I hardl dote, But ladies may speak, while they have not the vote. Beg pardon! That’s hardly the pastoral note ! Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! Not only to flowers we look, but fruits; Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! Nay, not to them only, but also to roots, Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! The root of the matter, in Irish affairs, Of course is Home Rule—but there, nobody cares For such subjects here! and pears, Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! This “ little culture” ’s the theme I’d touch, Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! Tories pooh-pooh it!—they’ve none too much! ) Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! But ** mickles you know, And from “little cultures” big aggregates grow, Jast as smal! majorities—Woa, there, woa !— Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees : Let’s sing poultry, Hawarden’s example will do much good,— Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! Nay, friends, | am not in a militant mood,— Sutter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! 8» 1 don’t mean mine, but your own example. rhe pon of the soil are abundant and ample ; You'll teach men to furnish—and up to sample Butter, and egqs, and the care of bees ! I'm a little bit tired—in a physical sense— Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! But my pleasure in pastoral things is immense, Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! My Georgie to-day I must cut short, I fear, But—if you desire—and we’re all of us here, I may give you a much longer Eclogue—next ear year! Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! RHYME TO ROSEBERY. On his Revival of the Ministerial Whitebait Dinner at the “Ship,” Greenwich, Wed- nesday, August 15, 1894.) Goop, Primrose! If not a fanatical ‘‘ Saint,” At lcast you’re a genial ** Sinner.” At the thought of a Race—and a Win—you won't faint, Nor squirm at a loss—with a Dinner! Pluck, patience, and cheer make good States- manlike form. : We trust that you reli-hed the trip, Sir! If not—yet—‘ the Pilot who weathered the Storm,” You’re the Skipper who stuck by the ** Ship,” Sir! The Old (Parliamentary) Adam. (On the Eve of Prorogation.) Would-be Abdiel (M.P.) loquitur :— Committee, Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! Friday.-Something notable in question | Is valued for honey, and not for stings, Wirn rest-thirst and holiday-yearning to addressed by Bryn Roserts to Home Secee-| Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! grapple ; rary. Wants to know “ whether he isaware| Poor Harcourt’s hive has a good many _ | strive, but in August begin to despair. that the Mr. Writtams, the recently appointed drones, [that groans? | I pity poor Eve with the thirst at her Ng assistant inspector, who is said to have worked | And more sting than honey. Eh! Who’s Though what tempted her was asnake an at an open quarry, never worked at the rock | Well, well, let me sing, in mellifiuous tones, but simply, when a young man, used to pick| Butter, and eggs, and the care of bees ! apple, 4 | My lures are “‘a brace” and a “ pair.” |Aveust 25, 1894. | ” soon merge into ** muckles” | | were ¢ give il | said, ‘ lecide WAS SC faithf deli tute

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PUNCH, OR _THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Avoust 25, 1894. THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE | BUT!! — a JAY), | THE ELEPHANT A NEW USE| . FOR AN OLD AND A Se | ‘UNIVERSAL SANITARY REMEDY.|_ ame | LIKE A MAN. The Prompt Mother of Useful Knowledge NECESSITY; Its best use WISDOM! ! | “I have just received a letter from a friend (a Military Chaplain) in India, who relates the following anecdote, A police officer and some friends were out tiger shooting in the Jungle (at Bareilly, N.W.P.) with several elephants. One elephant was taken seriously ill, and they did not know w bes at to give it or what te do with it. A young officer said he always took ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ when he felt bad, and it always did him good, ‘ Well,’ they | said, ‘bave you gotany?’ ‘Yes. I have a new bottle.’ ‘Well, fetch it.’ So the ENO'S ‘FRUIT SALT’ wag brought, and after a Teetiietion it was | decided to give the elephant adose, So they emptied the whole bottle into a pail of water and stirred it up, and the elephant tossed it off Jike a man, and was soon after all right again. “I have myself derived great benefit from ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ and feeling sure the above will interest you,—I remain, Dear Sir, yours faithfully, SUNGLE.—BLACKHBATH, July, 1894.” D2®4WiNe AN OVERDRAFT OW THE BANK OF LIFE.-—Excitement, feverish colds, chills, fevers, blood poisons, throat irritation, etc. late hours, fagged, unnatural exc nt, breathing impure air, too rich food, alcoholic drink, gouty, rheumatic, and other blood poisons, inflnengza, sleeplessness, biliousness, gick headache, skin eruptions, pimples on the face, want ‘of appetite, sourness of stomach, etc. Use ENO’S “yaurr SALT.” It prevents diarrhea, and removes it in the early stages. It is pleasant, cooling, health-giving, refreshing and invig.ra |The value of ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” eannot be told. ied suecess in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, and Australia proves it.

TOSSED IT OFF | CAUTION.—Ezamine each Bottle, and see that the Caneule ts marked 1 ENO’ 8S “FRUIT SALT.” Without it you have been imposed on by a worthless and occasionally poisonous imitation, Sold by all Chemists, Prepared only at ENO’S “FRUIT SALT”’ WORKS, LONDON, 5&.E., by J. ©. ENO’S PATENT.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. Mesers. SAMUEL BROTHERS have had an experience of over fifty years in the production of Boys and Youths’ Clothing, and make an especial study of BCHOOL OUTFITS (Specimen Out- fita of various qualities and prices are deacribed intherr Dlustrated Catalogue which weupplied gratis on application New Outfitting Catalogue (650 Engravcings) and Patterns free. Merchant Tailors and Juvenile Outfitters. 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, London, E.C, ESTABLISHED 18 Tr ve, 2m. 94. it vasers from @& “Gateams wan” Br Por boy of6 years, lia, } or boy of 2yrs..17s. 64. CHARIVARL —Avevusr 25, 1894 “Devas VERCOA Pa are ie Por boy of 6 years, 14s. $4. - “se o Serr For boy of !2 years, 17s. €4. i nince” Ovencoat For boy of 15 years, a. For boy of 8 yours, 18s. 84 For boy of 14 years, 2m. $4. ee —— HOVIS BREAD. HOVIS BISCUITS. HOVIS BREAD. and Women only Are most competent to fully appreciate the purity, sweetness, and delicacy of CcTicera Soar, and to discover new uses for it daily. In the preparation of curative washes, so'u- tiens, &e., for apnoying irritations, chafings, end excoriations of the skin an! mucous membrane, or too free or offensive perspira- tion, it has proved most grateful, Cutievra Soar appeals to the refined and cultivated everywhere, as the most effective Further particulars from S. FITTON AND SON, Millers, Macc lesfield. “The Health and Vigour of an individual | depend upon the quantity and quality of the | tkin purifying and beautifying soap, as weil head hen the tiesucs have been at work there are thrown Into the biood waste product, | os purest and sweetest fur toilet. and if these be not climina but through any cause) detained in the t they influence | F. NEWBERY & SONS. London, E.C. nutrition end function and finally produce | $$ $$$ reantc disease The Humanitarian nh Canes if scrofula, Beurvy, Rezems, Had Legs, Skin and | Hivod Diseases, Pimples and Sores of all kinds. TO SMOKERS. FLOR DE DINDIGUL, t.miitcx' INDIAN CIGAK, of exquisite favour and sroma flecta of Clarke s Blood Mixture are mar aderful cures have been Clarke s Bloc is. Od. per bottle sulatitutes lous Thousands of w« weted by it everywhere, at “i Mixture i* sold | ** Connoisseurs Beware of ronownce them better than Havannahs."— VW oarn, / Tee %, 11. NKoxes of 100, tis. and Bs fam ples dand 5), is., postfree i2stamps. BEWLAY, 4 & -4, Strand, é 14, Cheapside, London. Est. [70 orthicas imitations or is JEWSBURY & BROWN’S a | Oriental = CUARANTEED SPECIALITIES OF THE | 66 SWAN” FOUNTAIN PEN. From 106. Rubber Reservoir with 14 Carat |GOLD PEN, IRIDIUM TIPPED. z 1. 14 Carat Gold—therefore never corrodes. Iridium tipped—therefore never wears out. Instantly ready for use Writes ¢ mee | for many hours. Economical—outlasting 20,000 steel pens. Saves fully £15 in cost of steel pens and ink pots. Ink in yyy limpid—no evaporation. &. Por dry and tropical countries, almost indis- pensabie. 9. For every writer in every land, a necessity. Finally :—A_pen as nearly perfect as the in ventive skill of the day can produce. These Pens are known the World over, and with- out reservation we guarantee them Weonly soqeins. your Stee! Pen and Handwriting to guide us in selecting a Pen. Ovr tustrated Catalogue post free. For Weddjag and Complimentary Presents the Ideal Object. MABIE, TODD, & BARD, London, Cc. West End Branch, 8t. (Piccadilly End). Ketassisnen lis. HOVENDEN’S oo ow These famous hand or tsines cameras, whilst embodying the most advanced ideas in camera construction, are the simplest and most compact Photographic instru- ment, made Equally suitable for boy or girl, novice in photography, or photographic expert. From 1 to 100 pictures can be made without recharge. Strongly a oy ded by travellers in all parts of the globe | | Prices from £1: 6:0 to £22: 1:0. pres Catalogue free on application. Manufactured solely by EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., 115-117 OXFORD ST., LONDON. PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. SUPREME! CLARKE, NICKOLLS & COOMBS’ PERFUME. | Always Refreshing, Sweet, and Lasting. (Lrp.) || PRICE—1s., 28. 64., 5a. 6d., C A R M E S) and ae. 5 6d. per bottle. N p UNLEGS bearing A L pe ® Dearing (« o9 06 “ ER FU PUMERS, C= on Cream, A ~ Fee BE mae ati’ J RPUM Wasnt, B. HOVENDEN & SONS, Berxeas Sr., W., & Crrt Roan, E.C., Lonpon. ARE UNRIVALLED. Aut Urero-Dartz Correcrionens Seii Tus CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daicy Consumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. TADDY and C2&¥-S | Myrtle Grove CIGARETTES. SWEET. COOL. FRAGRANT. daimted by William Stuart Smith, of No. 0, Loraine —_ reyes im the Lombard Street, in the #recinet of of W biletnan, in tity of ul hweeon, and the Dusteh of 08, Bor, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Hradbury, Agnew, & Co., Limited, published by bin Fleet Street, in the Parish of H : at Do. 8, ®t. Bride, City of Lendoa.—Sarcasar, August 26, 1004, imol is. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. Office. ~~ “ee waa Lam

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— PICTURES FROM An excellent PORTRAIT, printed in Sepia, of No. 12 of Picrures From “ Puncn,” containing the Portrait of the late Joun | im addition to the collection of PICTURES FROM JOHN LEECH, “ Pictures,” ts published this day. At ts given in No. 12. al Gooksellers and ‘Bookstalls, Price Cd. “PUNCH.” “PUNCH.” case be returned, n. Wii in DD there wil) be no sxoeption. we Drawings, or Pictures of any descriptior Registered at the General Post Offee as a Newspaper. VOLUME CVII. SEPTEMBER 1, PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. PRICE THREE ‘PENCE. =i mi my i ik he i es (i) i} \\ ils g Ae Ae ee gf Sh ge ” PUNOH OFFICE, 85, aaa —* LONDON. not even whem accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cever, or Wrapper. To this 6B” NOTICE. — Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, SODA, SELTZER, do, IN BOTTLES, = TABLE WATERS AS SUPPLIED TO" |} THE QUEEN, ” SCHWEPPES Carriage paid to any address If ordered threugh one of the Agents of the Company. eunenee.

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Sepremper 1, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 97 a i CONTRIBUTIONS THANKFULLY RECEIVED.” Lardy-Dardy Swell (who is uncertain as to the age of Ingénue he is addressing). ‘‘ You ’’RE GOING TO Give A BALL. WILL YOU PERMIT ME TO SEND you A BovqveT! AND IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE?” Ingénue. ‘‘O, THANKS! THE BovqvuET WOULD BE DELIGATFUL! AND” —(hesilating, then after some consideration)—‘‘1’m surz MaMMA WOULD LIKE THE Ices AND SponcEe Cakes!” THE TALE OF TWO TELEGRAMS. ANOTHER DOLLY DIALOGUE, (By St. Anthony Hope Carter.) Tue vodeeumng Seatene of the morning batch of letters was a short note from Lady Micktenam. Her yy (and Arcuie) had come back to town, and the note was to say that I might call, in fact that I was to call, that afternoon. It so happened that I had two engage- ments, which seemed to make that impossible, but I spent a shilling in telegrams, and at 4.30 (the hour Dory named) was duly twenty or so ‘ Dolly Dialogues,’” (The dimples at this period were | absolutely bewitching, but I controlled myself.) ‘‘ So it occurred to me that it was my turn to earn an honest ny. Allow me to introduce you. Mr. Brown, Mr, Caxrer—Mr. Carter, Mr. Brown.” I murmured that any friend of Lady Mickienam’s was a friend of mine, whereat Mr. Brown smiled affably and handed me his card, from which I gathered that he was a shorthand writer at some address in Chan Lane. Then I understood it all. I had exploited Dotty. DoLLy was now engaged in the process of ex- ploiting me. **T hope,” I observed rather icily, ‘* that you will choose a respectable paper.” ** You don’t mean that.” * Perhaps not. But if we are to have a Dialogue, perhaps we might begin. I have an engagement at six.” * Telegraph, and put the contents down to my account,”’ I noticed now that Dorty had a pile of pa- pers on her table, and that she was playing with a blue pencil. “Yes, Lady Micxienam,” I said, in the provisional way in which judges indicate to counsel that they are ready to proceed. ‘** Well, I’ve been reading some of the Press Notices of the Dia- logues, Mr. Carter.” I trembled. I remembered some of the things that had been said about Doty and myself, which hardly lent themselves, it appeared to me, to this third part Se ‘“*] thought,” pursued Dotty, ‘‘ we might spend the time in dis- ” cussing the critics. “I shall be delighted, if in doing that we shall dismiss the reporter.” * Have you seen this? It’s from a Scotch per Scottish ? you suggest well, Scottish. ‘The sketches are both lively and elegant, and their lightness is just what people want in the warm weather.’ ”’ “It’s a satisfaction to think that even our little breezes are a source of cool comfort to our fellow-creatures.”’ “Here ’s another criticism, ‘It’s a book which tempts the reader——’” ‘* It must have been yoy said.” ** a book which tempts the reader to peruse from end to end when once he picks it up,’” *** Read at a Sitting: A Study in Colour,’”’ ** Please, Mr. Brown, don’t take that down.” **Thank you, Lady Micxrenam,” said I, ** Litera scripta manet.”’ | ** You are not the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Mr. Canter, and you must break yourself of the habit.” | “ The next cutting ?” ‘**The next says, ‘ For Mr. Carrer, the hero or reporter “It’s acalumny. I don’t know a single shorthand symbol.” *‘Let me go on. ‘Reporter of these polite conversations, we confess we have no particular liking.’”’ **Tf you assure me you did not write this yourself, Lady Mickxir- HAM, I care not who did.” “That, Mr. Brown,” said Do.ziy, in a most becoming frown, ** must on no account go down.” **When you have finished intimidating the Press, perhaps you will finish the extract.”’ ‘“** His cynicism,’ ”’ she read, ** ‘ is too strained to commend him to ordinary mortals——’ ”’ ‘* No one would ever accuse you of being in that category.” ‘** but his wit is undeniable, and his impudence delicious.’ Well, Mr. Canter?” go ringing at the Mickleham town mansion. ‘* I’m delighted you were able to come,’ was DoLiy’s greeting. **T wasn’t able,” I said; “‘ but I’ve no doubt that what I said in the two telegrams which brought me here will be put down to your —— . : “No one expects truth in a telegram. The Post-Office le themselves wouldn't like it.” nee Dotty was certainly looking at her very best. Her dimples (everybody has heard of Dotty’s Dimples—or is it Dotty Diwrte; but after all it doesn’t matter) were as delightful as ever. I was just hesitating as to my next move in the Dialogue, which I badly wanted, for I had pg my editor one by the middle of next week. The choice lay between the dimples and a remark that life was, after all, only one prolonged telegram. Just at that moment I noticed for the first time that we were not alone. Now that was distinctly exasperating, and an unwarrantable breach of an implied contract. _ “Two’s company,” I said, in a tone of voice that was meant to indieate something of what I felt. ** So’s three,” said Dotty, laughing, ‘‘ if the third doesn't count.” ** Quod est demonstrandum.” “ Well, it’s like this. I observed that you’ve already published ‘*T should like the extract concluded.” I knew the next sentence | commenced—** As for Dotty, Lady Micxienam, she outdoes all the | revolted daughters of feminine fiction.” | Then an annoying thing hap Ancuir’s voice was heard, saying, “‘ Dotty, haven’t you finished that Dialogue yet’ We ought to dress for dinner. It’ll take us an hour to drive there.” So it had been all arranged, and Arcuig knew for what I had been summoned, ‘ Yet there are compensations. Dotty sent the Dialogue to the only paper which I happen to edit. I regretfully declined it. But the fact that she sent it may possibly explain why I have found it #0 easy to give this account of what happened on that afternoon when I sent the two telegrams, The Cry of Chaos. “* Vive l’ Anarchie ?"—Fools! Chaos shrieks in that ery! Did Anarchy live soon would Anarchists die. One truth lights all history, well und , Disorder—like Saturn—devours its own brood. VOL. CVI,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serrempge 1, 1894 Fz | , £22 27 4G y 4 ZA yj, . ty y , p~Uygyy if j y} Z BY fj YA Yj y / /// , Wjédpas; 4 |/,/ | Yj Z Yj Yj YY / / Ai Hy i Wg fe Gj / / iy H/// YY; l, ths Wad | Hi] / i] ae Lhdd f | HEE LT f =———_ ~~ —— ‘““ROOM FOR A BIG ONE!” ‘‘Now THEN, your Masestizs, I nore I pon’r INTRUDE!” i —— Cromwell,

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Serremper 1, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. on " ad “ — ‘ Zr F| — TS pp ay fo ~ 7 le ead f UNEARNED INCREMENT. Experienced Jock (during preliminary canter, to Stable-boy, who has been put up to make the running for him). ‘‘Now, Youxa ‘UN, As SOON AS WE'RE OFF, YOU GO TO WORK AND MAKE THE PAcE A HOT ‘UN! Stable-boy (Irish), ‘‘ BeGorRA THIN OL ’'M THINKIN’ IT’S MESELF ROIDES THE RACE, AND YOU POCKETS ALL THE CREDIT O' Wunwtn’ |” “ROOM FOR A BIG ONE!” (“* Mr. Hensert Giapstone, as First Commis- sioner of Works, informed the House that ‘no series of historical personages could be complete without the inclusion of Cromwett,’ and though he had no sum at his disposal for defraying the cost of a statue this year, Sir Wiri1am Har- court, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, had pro- mised to make the necessary provision in the Estimates for next year.””—Spectator. | Room for the Regicide amongst our Kings? Horrible thought, to set some bosoms fluttering ! The whirligig of time does bring some things To set the very Muse of History muttering. Well may the brewer's son, uncouth and rude, Murmur—in secorn—‘‘I hope I don’t intrude!” Room, between CHartes the fair and un- veracious,— Martyrand liar,made comely by V anpYKE,— And CHartes the hireling, callous and salacious ? Strange for the sturdy Huntingdonian tyke To sta between Court spaniel and sleek ound ! Surely that whirligig hath run full round! Exhumed, cast out !—among our Kings set high! (Whick were the true dishonour Nort. might question. ) The sleek f : Srvarts well might shrug sig Make room—for him ? _ Suggestion ! O Right Divine, most picturesque quaint craze, How art thou fallen upon evil days! A monstrous, mad What will White Rose fanatics say to this ? Stuartomaniacs will ye not come wailing ; Or fill these aisles with one gregarious hiss Of angry scorn, one howl of bitter railing ? | To think that Cuar.es the trickster, CHaRLes | _ the droll, Should thus be hob-a-nobbed by red-nosed | Nou! Methinks I hear the black-a-vised one sneer | ** Ods a this is what I’ve long | expected ! If they had Aim, and not his statue, here Some other ‘ baubles’ might be ejected. Dark Strarrorp—I mean SaLispury—might loose More than his Veto, did he play the goose. soon ‘“*He’d find perchance that Huntingdon was stronger Than feels with all its Programmes. Noi might vow That Measure-murder longer ; And that Obstruction he would check and cow. Which would disturb Macattum More’s composure ; The Axe is yet more summary than the Closure ! ** As for the Commons—both with the Rad ‘Rump’ And Tory ‘Tail’ alike he might deal | tartly should go on no y- He’d have small mercy upon prig or pump; | I wonder what he ’d think of B-wi-s and | B-RTL-yY ? Depend upon it, Nott would purge the place Of much beside Sir Harny and the Mace.” Your Majesties make room there—for a Man! Yes, several centuries of waiting, It seems that Smug Officialism’s plan A change from the next Session may be ting. ou tell us, genial Hersert Griapsronr, that _ May find the funds, next year, for Crom- WELL’s Statue ! Room for a Big One! Well the Srvanrt pair May gaze on that stout shape as on a spectre. Subject for England’s sculptors it is rare To find like that of England’s Great Pro- tector ; And he with bigot folly is imbued Who deems that Cromwett’s Statute can intrude ! “OH, YOU WICKED STORY!” (Cry of the Cockney Street Child.) Speakine of our Neo-Neurotic and ‘ Per- sonal” Novelists, James Payn says: ‘‘ None of the authors of these works are story- tellers.” No, not in his own honest, whole- some, stirring sense, certainly. But, like other ee: oy nasty-minded—children, they “* stories” in their own way ; ‘‘ great big ies,” too, and “tales out of school” into the bargain. Having, like the Needy Koife-grinder, no story (in the true sense) to tell, they tell—well, let us say, tara-diddles ! Truth is stranger than even ‘heir fiction, but it is not always so ‘‘ smart” or so “ risky” as a loose, long-winded, Sepeat cynical and literary ** lie which i a truth,” in three « x , but ** smart ”’—oh, yes, y ‘smart ”—volumes!

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100 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Suprzmper 1, 1894. —————————— LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART IX.—THE MAUVAIS QUART D’HEURE. X Vl.—The Chinese Drawing Room at Wyvern, Trve Lady CuLveRrwy is alone, glancing over a written list. Lady Cantire (entering). Down already, ALsrnia ? I thought if I made haste I should get a quiet chat with you before anybody else came in. What is that paper? Oh, the list of couples for Rurgrt. May I see? (As Lady Co_vertn surrenders it.) My dear, you’re not going to inflict that mincing little Prrtiner boy on poor Marsares! That really won't do. At least let her have somebody she’s used to. Why not Captain Taicxwesse ? He's an old friend, and she’s not seen him for months. | must alter that, if you’ve noobjection. (She does.) And then you’ve given my poor Poet to that Srerwane girl! Now, why? Lady Culverin, I thought she wouldn’t mind putting up with him just for one evening. Lady Cant. Weuldn’t mind! Put- ting up with him! And is that how you speak of a celebrity when you are «0 fortunate as to have one to entertain ? Really, Avetnta! Lady Culv. Bat, my dear Romesta, you must allow that, whatever his talents may be, he is not—well, not quite one of Us. Now, is he? Lady Cant. (blandly), My dear, I never heard he had any connection with the manufacture of chemical manures, in which your worthy Papa so greatly distinguished himself—if that is what you mean. Lady Culv. (with some increase of colour). That is not what I meant, Ronesis—as you sane peaienty well. And I do say that this Mr. Srvrrexx’s manner is most objectionable; when he’s not obsequious, he ’s horribly familiar ! Lady Cant. (sharply). have not observed it. He strikes me as well enough—for that class of person. And it is intellect, soul, all chat kind of thing that J value. I look below the surface, and I find a great deal that is very original and charming in this oung man. And surely, my dear, if T tind myself able to associate with him, you need not be so fastidious! I consider him my protégé, and I won't have him slighted. He is far too good for Vivren Srecwane! Lady Culv, (with just a suspicion of malice), Perhaps, Rowesia, you would like him to take you in? Ledy Cant. That, of course, is quite out of the question. I see you have given me the Bishop—he’s a poor, dry stick of a man—never forgets he was the Headmaster of Swisham—but he’s always glad to meet me. I freshen him up so. Lady Culr. | really don’t know whom I can give Mr. Sroneetst. There’s Ruopa Coxayne, but she’s not poe- tical, and she'll get on much better with Ancure Bearpark. Oh, I forgot Mrs. Brooxe-Caatrrerts—she’s sure to talk, at all events. SCENE 7.50, she'll amuse him. Now you can give Rupert the list. [Sir Rupert and various members of the house-party appear one by one; Lord and Lady Lututneton, the Bishop of Brr- cuester and Mrs, Ropyery, and Mr. and Mrs. Eanwaxker, and Mr. SHorTHORN are announced at intervals; salutations, recognitions, and commonplaces are exchanged. Lady Cant. (later—to the Bishop, genially ° Ah, my dear Dr. Ropwry, you and I haven't met since we had our great battle about -now, was it the necessity of throwing open the Public Schools to the lower classes—for whom of course they were originally intended—or was it the failure of the Church to reach the Working Man? I really forget. The Bishop who has a holy horror of the Countess). I —ah—fear I cannot charge my memory so precisely, my dear Lady Cantrre. We—ah —differ unfortunately on so many cubjeste, I trust, how- | ever, we may —ah—agree to suspend hostilities on this occasion ? “I'd rather a job to get these things on ; but they're really a I might say sienentenentel oo te 4 , wonderful fit, considering ! ” Lady Cant, (as she corrects the list), A lively, agreeable woman— ‘mess. You’re the first to find a fault in her. Lady Cant. (with even more bonhomie). Don’t be too sure of that, Bishop. I’ve several crows to pluck with you, and we are to go in to dinner together, you know ! The Bishop. Indeed? I had no conception that such a pleasure was in store for me! (Zo himself.) This must be the penance for breaking my rule of never dining out on Saturday! vere—but merited ! ' Lady Cant. 1 wonder, Bishop, if you have seen this wonderful volume of poetry that everyone is talking about—Andromeda ? The Bishop (conscientiously). I chanced only this morning, by way of momentary relaxation, to take up a jou containing a notice of that work, with copious extracts. The impression left on my mind was—ah—unfavourable; a certain talent, no doubt, some felicity of expression, but a noticeable lack of the—ah—reticence, the discipline, the—the scholarly touch which a training at one of our great Public Schools (I forbear to particularise), and at a University can alone impart. I was also pain to observe a crude discontent with the existing Social System-—a system which, if not absolutely perfect, cannot be upset or even modified without the gravest danger. But I was still more distressed to note in several passages a decided taint of the morbid sensuous- ness which renders so much of our modern literature sickly and unwhole- some. Lady Cant. All prejudice, my dear Bishop; why, you Loven't even read the book! However, the author is staying here now, and I feel convinced that if you only knew him, you’d alter your opinion. Such an unas- suming, inoffensive creature! There, he’s just come in. I’ll call him over here. ... Goodness, why does heshuffle along in that way! Spurrell meeting Sir Rupert). Ho I’ve kept nobody waiting for me, Sir Rupert. (Confidentially.) I’d rather a job to get these things on; but they’re really a wonderful fit, con- sidering ! [He passes on, leaving his host speec less. Lady Cant. That’s right, Mr. Srvr- RELL. Come here, and let me present you to the Bishop of Brrcester. The Bishop has just been telling me he en your Andromeda sickly, or unhealthy, or something. I’m sure youll be able to convince him it’s nothing of the sort. [She leaves him with the Bishop, who is visibly annoyed. Spurr. (to himself, overawed). Oh, Lor! Wish I knew the right way to talk to a Bishop. Can’t call Aim no- thing—so doosid familiar. (Aloud.) Andromeda sickly, your—(tentatirely) —your Right Reverence? Not a bit of it—sound as a roach ! The Bishop. lf I had thought my —ah— criticisms were to be repeated— Countess has thought proper to do, Mr. Spverett, I should not have ventured to make them. At the same time, you must be conscious yourself, I think, of certain blemishes which would justify the terms I employed. Spurr. I never saw any in Andromeda myself, your—your Holi- don’t ry A there mayn’t be something dicky about the setting and the turn of the tail, but that’s a trifle. The Bishop. 1 did not refer to the setting of the tale, and the portions I object to are scarcely trifles. But pardon me if I prefer to end a discussion that is somewhat unprofitable. (Zo himself, as he turns on his heel.) A most arrogant, self-satisfied, and conceited young man—a truly lamentable product of this half-educated age! Spurr. (to himself). Well, he may be a dab at dogmas—he don't — much about dogs. Drummy’s got aconstitution worth a dozen as! Lady Culv. (approaching him). Oh, Mr. Spore, Lord LuLiine- TON wishes to know you. If you will come with me. (Zo herself, as she leads him up to Lord L.) I do wish Ronmesta wouldn’t force me to do this sort of thing! [She presents him.

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Lord Lullington (to himself). 1 sa I ought to know all about his novel, or whatever it is he’sdone, (Aloud, with courtliness.) Very leased to make your acquaintance, Mr, SpuRRELL; you ’ve—ah— Jelighted the wor your Andromeda. When are we to look for your next production? Soon, I hope. Spurr. (to himself), He’s after a pup now! Never met such a}}..4 doggy lot in my life! (Aloud.) Er—well, my lord, I’ve promised so many as it is, Cat Tesch oe Lord Lull. (paternally). Take my advice, my dear young man, leave yourself as free as possible, you to give us your best, you know. [He turns to continue a conversation. Spurr. (to himself). Give it! He won’t get it under a Soe note, I can tell him. (He makes his way to Miss Sretwane.) I say, what do Big think the old Bishop’s up to? Pitching into Andromeda like the very dooce—says she’s sickly / : Miss Spelwane (to herself). He brings his literary disa tments to me, not Maistre! (Aloud, with the sweetest sympathy.) How dreadfully unjust! Oh, I’ve dropped my fan—no, pray don't trouble; I can pick it up. My arms are so ) ony you know—like a kangaroo’s—no, what is that animal which has such long arms? You’re so clever, you ought to know! Spurr. I sw you mean a gorilla ? Miss Spelw. How crushing of you! But you must go away now, or else youll find nothing to say to me at dinner—you me in, you know. I hope you feel privileged. I feel—— But if I told you, I might make you too conceited ! Spurr. Oh, no, you wouldn’t. : (Sir Rupert approaches with Mr. SHorTHORN. Sir Rupert, Vivien, my dear, let me introduce Mr. SHorrTHORN— Miss SPELWANE. te SpuRRELL.) Let me see—ha—yes. you take in Mrs. Cuarrenis. Don’tknowher? Come this way, and I'll find her for you. He marches SPuRRELL off. Mr. Shorthorn (to Miss Spetwane). Good thing getting this rain at last ; a little more of this dry weather and we should have had no grass to speak of ! Miss Spelw. (who has not quite recovered from her disa ment). And now you will have some grass to speak of fortunate ! Spurr. (as dinner is announced, to Lady Matsre). I my, Ledy Marste, I’ve just been told I’ve got to take in a married y. I don’t know what to talk to her about. I should feel a lot more at home with you. Couldn’t we manage it somehow ? Lady Maisie (to herself). What a fearful estion — but I a aver snub him! (Aloud.) I’m afraid, Mr. SpcrRELL, we must both put up with the partners we have; most distressing, isn’t it—but ! She gives a little shrug. Captain Thicknesse (immediately behind her, to himself). G that’s pleasant! I knew I’d better have gone to A dershot | (Aloud.) I’ve been told off to take you in, Lady Marsre, not my fault, don’t you know. ‘ Lady Maisie, There’s no need to be so apologetic about it. (To herself.) Oh, I hope he didn’t hear what I said to that wretch. Capt. Thick. Well, I rather thought there might be, perhaps. Lady Maisie (to herself). He did hear it. If he’s going to be so stupid as to misunderstand, I’m sure J ’t explain. [ They take their place in the procession to the Dining Hall, int- How

RATIONAL DRESS. (A Reformer’s Note to a Current Controversy.) On, ungallant must be the man indeed Who nine women out of ten”’ ** knock- = And he should not remain in peace for ong, Who says ** the nether limbs of women” are Such are the arguments designed to prove That Woman’s ill-advised to make a move To mannish clothes. These arguments are ‘Ait such Fk" As to be of the kind that prove too much. 2? ~ If Woman’s limbs in truth unshapely grow, The present style of dress just makes them so!

QUEER QUERIES.—A Question or Terms.—I am sometimes allowed, by the kindness of a warder, to see a newspaper, and I have just read that some scientific cove says that man’s natural life is 105 youn, Now is this true? I want to know, because I am in here for what the Judge called ‘‘ the term of my natural life,” and, if it - to = for 105 yams, Scots yy badly auigied, I say it quite respectfu hope the Governor w w the ex- — to Please direct answers to Her Majesty’s Prison, cetown, on.—No. 67.

IN THREE VOLUMES. Votume I.—Awakening. Anp so the work was done. Betrvpa, after a year’s hard writing, had completed her self-appointed task. Douglas the Doomed One ions, First the initial grown by degrees into its it proport volume was completed ; then the secend was finished ; and now the third was <¢0¥ oe | for the printer’s hands, Butwho < should have it? Ah, there was the \) rub! Betovpa knew no publishersand \¥% had no influence. How she get anyone to take the novel up? And yet, if she was to believe the Author, there was plenty of room for untried talent. According to that interesting periodical publishers were constantly on the look- . out for undiscovered , Why ;. Z should she not try the firm of Messrs. He Brxprye anp Priyt? She made up her mind. She set her face hard, and muttered, ‘‘ Yes, they shall do it! Douglas the Doomed One shall ap with the assistance of Messrs. Biypine anp Prt!” And when Berinpa made up her mind to do anything, not wild omnibus-horses would turn her from her purpose. Votume Il.— Wide Awake. Messrs. Brypinc anp Print had received their visitor with courtesy. ‘They did not require to read Douglas the Doomed One. They had discovered that it was sufficiently long to make the regula- tion three volumes, That was all that was necessary, They would accept it. They would be happy to publish it, ** And about terms ?”’ murmured BELINDA. ‘* Half profits,” returned Mr, BrxpinG, with animation. ** When we have paid for the outlay we shall divide the residue,” cried Mr, Paunt, “*And do you think I shall soon get a cheque?” asked the anxious authoress, ‘* Well, that is a question not easy to answer. You see, we usually d any money we make in advertising. It does the work good in the long run, although at first it rather checks the profits.”’ BELINDA was satisfied, at took her , ner ‘“We must advertise Douglas the ymed One in the Skate- maker's Quarterly Magazine,” said Mr. Buxpen. ** And in the Crossing Sweeper’s Annual,” replied Mr, Parr. Then the two partners smiled at one er knowingly. They laughed as they remembered that of both the periodicals they had mentioned they were the proprietors, Votume IIl.—Fast Asleep. The poor patient at Slocum-on-Slush moaned. He had been prac- tically awake for a month, and ing could send him to sleep. The tor held his wrist, and as he felt the rapid beats of his pulse became graver and graver. ** And you have no friends, no relatives?” “No, My only visitor was the man who brought that box of books from a m tan y - exclaimed the the Doctor. ‘*‘ There may yet be of books! ine to omen life ! i. nna pas e man of science rose abruptly, approaching the casket con- taining the current literature apt; day, roughly forced it open. He hurriedly inspected its ecntents, He turned over the volumes im- patiently until he reached a set.

“The very thing!” he murmured. ‘If I can but get him to read this he will be saved.” Then turning to his patient he continued, ** You should peruse thisnovel. It is one that I recommend in cases such as yours. ‘ ; ‘“*T am afraid I am past reading,” returned the invalid. ever, I will do my best.” An hour later the Doctor (who had had to make some calls) re- turned and found that his patient was serine peacefully. The first volume of Douglas the Doomed One had the desired result, ** Excellent, excellent,” murmured the medico. ‘It had the same effect upon another of my patients. The crisisisover! He will now recover like the other. Insomnia has been conquered for the second time by Douglas the Doomed One, and who now shall say that the three-volume novel of the amateur is not a means of spreading civilisation? It must be a mine of wealth to somebody.” And Messrs, Brxprne anp Paint, had they heard the Doctor's re- mark, would have ogreed with him! ** How-

All the Difference. “ Tue Sreaxer then called Mr. Lrrrix to order.” Quite right in our wise and most vigilant warder. He calls us to order! Oh that, without fas, The Spzaxenr could only call Order to us!

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| And he held the rules of s | | | | PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremper 1, 1894. RES ANGUSTA DOMI. (Jn a Children’s Hospital. ) ‘My rore Yapnir's peap!” ** How sap!” **DADDA KILLED my pore Yassir in Back KitcHen!” ‘On DEAR!” ‘*I nAD TaTERs WIv My PoRE Yassir!” “A LITTLE TOO PREVIOUS!” ‘I desire to submit that this is a very great question, which will have to be determined, but upou a very different ground from that of the salaries of the officers of the House of Lords.... If there is to be a contest between the House of Lords and the House of Commons, let us take it upon higher ground than this.”"—Sir William Harcourt.) Tere was a little urchin, and he had an old horse-pistol, Which he rammed with powder damp and shots of lead, lead, ea And he mo a “TI know not fear! Ill go stalking of the deer!” For this little cove was slightly off his head, head, head This ambitious little lad was a Paddy and a Rad, And himself he rather fancied as a shot, shot, shot ; rt, and close season, and, in short, The *‘ regulation rubbish” was all rot, rot, rot. He held a “ bird” a thing to be potted on the wing, Or perehed upon a hedge, or up a tree, tree, tree ; And, says he, ** If a foine stag I can add to my small bag, A ‘pistol or a Maxim will suit me, me, me! And so upon all fours he would crawl about the moors, To the de striment of elbows, knees, and slack, slack, slack ; And he says, * What use a-talking ? And 7 oe my game, who's going to hould me back, back, back ? Says he, ‘I scoff at raisons, and stale talk of toimes and saisons ; | ’m game to shoot a fox, or spear a stag, stag, stag ; Nay, I'd net, or elub, a salmon ; lor wid me it ’s just a question of the bag, bag, bag ! ‘ There are omadhauns, I know, who would let a foine buck go Just bekase ‘twas out of toime, or they 'd no gun, gun, gun ; But if oi can hit, and hurt, wid a pistel—or a squirt By jabers, it is all the betther fun, fun, fan! So he scurryfunged around with his stomach on the ground For stalking seems of crawling a mere branch, branch, branch). And he spied “a stag of ten,” and he cried, * ‘Hurroo! ‘Now then, I fancy I can hit Aim—ir the haanch, haunch haunch ! lf 1 choose to call this ‘ stalk- | your old rales of o are gammon, | ‘“‘Faix! I'll bag that foine Stag Royal, or at any rate oi ‘Il troy all The devoices of a sportshman from the Oisle, Oisle, Oisle. One who ’s used to shoot asprawl from behoind a hedge or wall, At the risks of rock and heather well may smoile, smoile, smoile ! But our sportsman bold, though silly, by a rm Highland gillie, Was right suddenly arrested ere he tired, fired, fi ° —_ If you’ll excuse the hint, that old thing, ‘with lock of int, As a weapon for this sport can’t be admired, mired, mired! ee] ** It will not bring down that quarry, your horse-pistol! Don’t you worry - That Royal Stag we ’Il stalk, boy, in good time, time, time ; But to pop at it just now, and kick up an awful row, Scare, and miss it were a folly, nay a crime, crime, crime! ‘* Be you sure ‘Our Party’ will this fine quarry track and kill; Our guns need not your poor toy blunderbuss, buss, buss. This is not the time or place for a-following up ‘this chase ; So just clear out and leave this game to us, us, us! | IN MEMORIAM. | [Baron Munvy, the founder of the valuable Vienna Voluntary Sanitary Ambulance Society, mighty foe of disease and munificent dispenser of charity, | shot himself on Thursday, August 23, on the banks of the Danube, at the advanced age of 72.) Great sanitary leader and reformer, Disease’s scourge and potent pest- -house stormer ; Successful foe of cholera aforetime, Perfecter of field-ambulance in war-time ; Dispenser of a fortune in large charity ; Vale! Such heroes are in sooth a rarity. kine that you in death should shock Dame Gronpy! That we should sigh “* Sic transit gloria Monpy! A Crormes Division (or Opinton).—It is said that Woman can- not afford to alter her style of dress, since her limbs are “ all wrong.” | Clear, therefore, that however much Woman’s Wrongs need re- | dressing, All-Wrong Women don’t!

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*La-0u-HH XW ‘ON ‘ON» idvl iKIH LTYOH LNOM LVHL «/SQ OL WIH AZAVAT ISON DOA SNOIAGYd OOL WILLIT V,, co | ‘HONDd uo aHL NOGKOT

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Sepremper 1, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 105 Wy hd | q | I Q. E. D. **Wuat's up wi’ Sat?” ‘§ AIN'T YER ERD? ;* Sae’s MARRIED AGIN “ AUXILIARY ASSISTANCE” IN THE PROVINCES. (A Tragedy-Farce in several painful Scenes, with many unpleasant Situations. ) Locatrry—The Interior of Country Place taken for the Shooting Season. Pre- parations for a feast in all directions. It is Siz o' Clock, and the household are eagerly waiting the appearance of Mon- Tacu MarmavukeE, the Auxiliary Butler, sent in by Contract. Enter Montacu MARMADUKE, in comic evening dress. Master (looking at Monxtacu with an er- pression of disappointment on his face). What are you the man they have sent me ” Montagu. Yessir. And I answers to Mon- TAGU MARMADUKE, or some gentlemen prefers to call me by my real name Bryxs. Master. Oh, Montaav will do. . I hope you know your duties ?. Mon4&Which I was in service, Sir, with Sir Barnaby Jrvks, for twenty-six years, and—— Master. Very well, I daresay you will do. I suppose you know about the wine ? Mon. Yessir. Incourse. I’ve been a tee- totaler ever since I left Sir Barnany’s. Master (retiring). And mind, do not murder the names of the guests. { Exit. [The time goes on, and Company arrive. Montaou ushers them upstairs, and an- csaa nounces them under various aliases, Sir «- Henry Ermsterropp is twntroduced as Sir - ’Enery Easterree, &c., &c. After small talk, the guests find their way to the dining-room. Mon, (to Principal Guest). Do you take sherry, claret, or ’ock, my Lady ” Principal Guest (interrupted in a conver- sation). Claret, please. {[Montacu promptly pours the required liquid on to the ta lecloth. Master. I must apologise, but our Butler, who is on trial, is very short-sighted, | P. Guest. Evidently. | [The wine is brought round; Montaev in- terrupting the conversation with his hos- pitable » stions, and pouring claret into champagne glasses, and champagne into sherries. Nervous Guest (in an undertone to Monr- racv). Do you think you could get me, by- and-by, a piece of bread ? Mon, Bread, Sir, yessir! (Jn stentorian tones.) Here, Nispet, bring this gent some bread ! [The unfortunate guest, who is overcome with confusion at having attracted so much attention, is waited upon by Nisnrr. Master (savagely), Can’t you go about more quietly ? Mon. (hurt), Certainly, Sir. When I was with Sir BARNABY (Disappears murmur- ing to himself, and returns with entrée, which he lets fall on dress of Principal Guest). Beg on, my Lady, but it was my stud, which would come undone, Very sorry, indeed, Mum, but if you will allow me [Produces a soiled dinner-napkin with a flourish, P. Guest (in much alarm), No thanks! [ General commiseration, and, a little later, disappearance of ladies, After this, Montaau does not reappear except to call obtrusively for carriages, and tout Sor tips. P. Guest (on bidding her host good-night). [ can assure you my gown was not injured in the least. I am quite sure it was only an accident. Master (bowing). You are most kind. (With great severity.) As a matter of fact, the man only came to us this afternoon, but, after what has happened, he shall not remain in my service another hour! I shall dismiss him to-night ! [ Exit Principal Guest. Master pays Mon- TAGU the agreed fee for his services for the evening, Curtain. TO A PHILANTHROPIST. You ask me, Madam, if by chance we meet, For money just to keep upon its feet That hospital, that school, or that retreat, That home. I help that hospital? My doctor's fee Absorbs too much, Alas! I cannot be An inmate there myself ; he comes to me At home, Do not suppose I have too close a fist. Rent, rates, bills, taxes, make a fearful list ; I should be homeless if I did assist That home. | I must—it is my impecunious lot | Economise the little I have got ; | So if I see you coming I am “* not At home.’ |My clothes are shabby. How I should be dunned By tailor, hatter, hosier, whom I’ve shunned, If I supported that school clothing fund, That home! I'd help if folks wore nothing but their skins ; This hat, this coat, at which the street-boy , grins, ° . . Remind me still that ‘‘ Charity begins At home.”’ Kiss versus Kiss. On the cold cannon’s mouth the Kiss of Peace | Should fall like flowers, and bid its bellow- ings cease | But ah! that | Kiss of Peace seems very far | From being as strong as the Hotchkiss of War!

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PUNCH, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Szrtemper 1, 1894. ——— iin li ' | wo, 5 f, 7 Country V >... —_— QUALIFIED ADMIRATION. “Wet, JOHN, WHAT DO you THINK oF Lonpon!” Y oke Lor’ BLESS YER, Str, iT "Lt BE A Fine Place wasw it’s Finisuzp!” | PACE FROM “ROSEBERY’S HISTORY OF THE COMMONWEALTH.” | ( With Mr. Punch's C. who will have ti ‘om pliments to the Gentleman design ‘‘ that statue.”’) “You really must join the Army,” said | the stern old Puritan to the Lord Protector. |“*The fate of this fair realm of England depends upon the promptnese with which you assume command.”’ Ottver Cromwett paused. He had laid aside his buff doublet. and had donned a coat of a thinner materie]. His sword also was gone, and hanging by his side was a pair of double spy-glasses—new in those days—new in very deed. “I cannot go,” cried the Lord Protector at last, *‘ it would be too great a sacrifice.” “You said not that,”’ pursued Ineron—for it was he—*‘ when you called upon CHaRrLes to lose his head.” * But in this case, good sooth, I would wish a head to be won, or the victory to be by a head;” and then the Uncrowned King laughed long and heartily, as was his wont when some jest tickled him. ‘This is no matter for merriment,” ex- claimed Iretow sternly. ‘* Otrver, you are playing the fool. You are sacrificing for pleasure, business, duty.” ** Well, I cannot help it,” was the response. “* But mind you, Iretow, it shall be the last time.” ** What is it that attracts you so strongly ’ What is the pleasure that lures you away from the re of duty?” “I will tell you, and then you will pity, perchance forgive me. To-day my horse runs at Epsom. With luck his chance is a cer- tainty. So farewell.” Then the two old friends grasped hands and parted. One went to fight on the blood-stained field of battle, and the other to see the race for the Derby. ON A CLUMSY CRICKETER. At Trwpertogs his Captain rails As one in doleful dumps ; Oft given “‘ leg before ”’—the bails, Not bat before—the stumps. The Genevese Professor Yune Believes the time approaches When man will lose his legs, ill-slung, Through trams, cars, cabs, and coaches; Or that those nether limbs will be The merest of survivals, The thought fills TorseRToEs with glee, No more he’ll fear his rivals. ** Without these bulky, blundering pegs I shall not fail to score, For if a man has got no legs, He can’t get * leg-before.’ ” SITTING ON OUR SENATE. Srr,—lt struck me that the best and sim- plest way of finding out what were the inten- tions of the Government with regard to the veto of the Peers was to write and ask each individual Member his opinion on the sub- ject. Accordingly I have done so, and it seems to me that there is a vast amount of significance in the nature: of the replies I have |received, to amyone capable of reading between the lines; or, as most of the com- munications only extended to a single line, let us say to anyone capable of reading beyond the full-stop. rd Rosepery’s Secretary, for example, writes that ‘“‘ the Prime Minister is at present out of town ”— at present, you see, but obviously on the point of coming back, in order to grapple with my letter and the question quneedliiy Sir Wirittam Hanrcorxt, his Secretary, writes, “‘is at Wiesbaden, but upon his return your communication will no doubt receive his attention”—receire his attention, an ominous phrase for the Peers, who seem hardly to realise that between them and ruin there is only the distance from Wiesbaden to Downing Street. Then Mr. | Morey ‘‘ sees no reason to alter his published |opinion on the subject ’—alter, how readily, | by the prefixing of a single letter, that word becomes halter! I was unable to effect per- | sonal service of my letter on the ArrorNnEy- GENERAL, possibly because I called at his chambers during the Long Vacation ; but the fact that a card should have been attached to his door bearing the words ‘‘ Back at 2 p.m.” surely indicates that Sir Jonn Riesy will back up his leaders in any approaching attack on the fortress of feudalism! Then surely the circumstance that the other Ministers to whom my letters were addressed hare not as | yet sent any answer shows how seriously they | regard the situation, and how disinclined they | are to commit themselves to a too hasty reply In fact, the outlook for the House of Lords, | judging from these Ministerial communica- | tions, is decidedly gloomy, and I am inclined | to think that an Autumn Session devoted to | abolishing it is a most probable eventuality. Yours, Fussy-cuss ExspecTans. | §Sre,—The real way of dealing with the Lords is as follows. The next time that they want to meet, cut off their gas and water! Tell the butcher and baker not to call at the House for orders, and dismiss the charwomen who dust their bloated benches. If this doesn’t bring them to reason, nothing will. Hien-MINDED Democrat.

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SepremBer 1, 1894.] 107 | IN PRAISE OF BOYS. | (By an ‘‘ Old One.”’) {‘'A Mother of Boys,” angry with Mr. James Payn for his dealings with “that barbarous race,” suggests that as an amend: honorable he should write a book in praise of boys.] Iw praise of boys? In praise of boys Who mess the house, and we. - 3 nd brea e q smash their toys, And dissipate domestic joys, Do everything that most end annoys, The Boss and Bitiys, Ratrus ys ?— Just as well praise a hurricane, The buzzing fly on the win- dow-p.ane, {pig ! An earthquake or a routing No, young or old, or small or ig, scourge, A boy’s a pest, a plague, a A dread domestic demiurge Who brings the home to chaos’ verge. The only reason I can see | For praising him is—well, that | e, {tam ran— | As Worpswortu—so his dic- | Declared, | is “father to the) man. And even then the better plan Would be that he, calm, sober, sage age: Were—born at true paternal| He. “‘ WHAT A sHAMe IT Is THAT Men MAY Ask Women To Marry Did all boys start at twenty- TH*M, AND WOMEN MAYN’T ASK ; | She. ‘OH, WELL, You KNow, I sUPPOSE THEY CAN ALWAYS GIVE A SORT five I were the happiest ‘** Boy” alive ! | or Hint!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A LITTLE “NEW WOMAN.” Men !” He, ‘‘ WaT DO You MEAN BY A Hinr?” She. ‘‘ WELL—THEY CAN ALWAYS say, ‘Oa, I po Love you so!’” THE PULLMAN CAR, (Arn—" The Low-backed Car.” I naTHER like that Car, Sir, Tis easy for a ride. But gold galore May mean strife and gore, | If ’tis stained with greed and pride, [lightful, Though its comforts are de- | And its cushions made with | taste, me | There’s a spectre sits beside | That I'd gladly flyin haste — As I ride in the Pallman Car ; | And echoes of wrath and war, | And of Labour's mad cheers, Seem to sound in my ears As I ride in the Pullman Car! QUEER QUERIES,—‘"‘ Scr ence Farsety So CaLuiep.” |—What is this talk at the | British Association about a “new gas”? Isn’t the old good enough? My connection -as a shareholder—with one | of our leading gas companies, enables me to state authorita- tively that no new gas is re- quired by the public. I am surprised that a nobleman like | Lord Rayieton should even attempt to make such a tho- ‘roughly useless, and, indeed, revolutionary discovery. It is /enough fo tarn anyoue into a democrat at once, And what was Lord Satisnury, as a Con- servative, doing, in allowing such a subject to be mooted at Oxford? Why did he not at once turn the new gas off at the meter ? INDIGNANT. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. From Henry Soreran & Co. (so a worthy Baronite reyorts) comes a second edition of Game Birds and Shooting Sketches, by Jomn Gortie Mitiars, Every sportsman who is something more than a mere bird-killer ought to buy this beautiful book. Mr. Mitiats’ drawings are wonderfully de- licate, and, so far as I can judge, re- markably accurate. = ome a fine wen or plumage, 439 rend wih cate in the privacy of his own peculiar haunts. I am glad the public have shown themselves sufficiently appreciative to warrant Mr. Mit- LAIs in put’ forth a second edition of book which is the beautifal and artistic 1 cont of very many days of patient and careful observation. By the way, there is an illus- tration of a Blackcock Tournament, which is WET-WILLOW, A Soxe or A Storry Season, (By a Washed-Out Willow- Wielder.) Arr—"* Titerillow.” Iy the dull, damp pavilion a popular “* Bat” Sang ‘* Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow ! And I said ‘Oh! great slogger, pray what are you at, Singing ‘ Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow’ ? Is it lowness of average, batsman,” I cried ; ** Or a bad * brace of ducks’ that has lowered your pride ?”’ With a low-muttered swear-word or two he replied, ** Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!” He said ‘‘ In the mud one can’t score, anyhow, Singing willow, wet-willow, wet-willow ! The le are raising a deuce of a row, Ob w, wet-willow, wet-willow! I’ve been waiting all day in these flannels— they ’re damp !— ; The spectators impatiently shout, aria and stamp, amp, But a batsman, you see, cannot play with a Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! ** Now I feel just as sure as I am that my name Isn’t willow, wet-willow, wet-willow, The people will swear that I don’t play the e, Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow ! My spirits are low and my scores are not But day after day we’ve soaked turf and grey sky, get dry, And I owt Reve a chance till a! wickets Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!!!” | | tw) INVALIDED! Deplorable Result co Forecast of Aug. 23 on the “D. G. ” Weather Girl. a noe /) SDB ; a | = ati aise illbeen Forecast.—Fair, warmer. Wanwninos.—None issued. ACTUAL Watuen.—Raining eats and dogs. Moral.—Wear a mackintosh over your classical costume. A Question of ‘‘ Rank.” “*H1s Majesty King Grouse, noblest of game!" So toasted Host. Replied the Guest, with “1 think that in this house the fitter name Would be His Royal Highness !”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SepremBer 1, 1894. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. | | House of Commons, Monday, August 20,—AsumeEap-BaRTLETT | Knight) is the Casantanca of Front Opposition Bench, All but he | have fled. Now his opportunity; will show jealous colleagues, | watchful House, and interested country, how a party should be led. | Had an innings on Saturday, when, in favourite 0 Dompter of British and other Lions, he worried Under Secretaries | for Foreign Affairs and the Colonies, Didn’t get much out of them. In fact what happened seems to confirm quaint theory Sark ad vances. Says he believes those two astute youn Sypwer Buxton, “ control” the Sheffield Knight, They are active and ambitious. Still only juniors. Moreover, things are man so well both at Foreign Office and Colonial Office that they have no opportunity of distinguishing themselves. The ular ta- | tives on the Front Opposition Bench of Foreign Affairs and Colonies | say nothing; patriotically acquiescent in management of concerns in respect of which it is the high tradition of English statesmanship that the political game shall not be played. In such circumstances no opening for able young men. But, suppose they could induce some blatant, irresponsible person, persistently to put questions, and make insinuations derogatory to the character of british statesmen at home and British officials abroad?’ Then they step in, and, amid applause on both sides of House, knock over the intruder. Sort of game of House of Commons nine-pins. Nine-pin doesn’t care so that it’s noticed ; admirable practice for young Parliamentary Hands. This is Sarx’s suggestion of explanation of phenomenon. Fancy much simpler one might be found. To-night Bartierr- Ex..is in better luck. Turns upon ATTORNEY - GENERAL ; darkiy hints that escape of JABEZ was put-up job, of which Law Officers of the Crown might, an’ they would, disclose some interesting particulars. Riesy, who, when he bends his step towards House of Com- mons, seems to leave all his shrewdness and knowledge of the world in his chambers, rose to the fly; played Basuueap- ArTLeTr’s obvious game by getting angry, and delivering long speech whilst progress of votes, hitherto going on swimmingly, was arrested for fully an hour. Business done.—Supply voted with both hands. Tuesday.—A precious sight, one worthy of the painter’s or sculptor’s art, to see majestic figure of Secrre oF Matwoop standing between House of Lords and imminent destruction. Irish members and Radicals opposite have sworn to have blood of the Peers. Sace or Queen Anne's Gate is taking the waters elsewhere. In his absence do the best we can. Sat up all last night, the Radicals trying to get at the Lords by the kitchen entrance; Seve withstanding them till four o'clock in the morning. Began again to- night. Education Vote on, involving expenditure of six millions and welfare of innumerable children. Afterwards the Post Office Vote, upon which the Postmaster-General, Sr. Annotp-LE-Granp, endeavours to reply to Henniker-Heaton without betraying con- sciousness of bodily existence of such a person. These matters of great and abiding interest; but only few members present to discuss them. The rest waiting outside till the lists are cleared and battle rages once more round citadel of the Lords sullenly sentineled by detachment from the Treasury Bench. When engagement reopened Sevrre gone for his holiday trip, postponed by the all-night sitting, Jonn Sooner on guard. Breaks orce of assault by protest that the time is inopportune. By-and-by the Lords shall be handed over to tender mercies of gentlemen below gangway. Not just now, and not in this particular way. Carer SecReTARY remembers famous case of absentee landlord not to be in- timidated by the shooting of his agent. So Lords, he urges, not to be properly punished for throwing out Evicted Tenants Bill by having the salaries of the charwomen docked, and Brack Rop turned out to beg his bread. Radicals at least not to be denied satisfaction of division. Salaries of House of Lords staff secured for another year by narrow majority of 31. Business done.—Nearly all. f | fallen obloquy. men, Epwarp Grey and | Tue Imprriat Suerrie.yp Nove-pPry. Invaluable to Budding Statesmen. Wednesday.—The Savire or Matwoop at last got off for his well- earned holiday. Carries with him consciousness of having done supremely well amid difficulties of peculiar complication. As Josern in flush of unexpected and still unexplained frankness testified, the Session will in its accomplished work beat the record of any in modern times. The Seuire been admirably backed by a rare team of colleagues; but in House of Commons ever eae Se on the Leader. Had the Session been a failure, upon his would have As it has been a success, his be the praise. “Well, good bye,” said Jonnw Mortey, tears standing in his tender eyes as he wrung the hand of the almost Lost Leader. ‘* But ou know it’s not all over yet. There’s the A riation Bill. hat shall we do if Were comes up on Second g?” **Oh, dam Were,” said the Seuire. Jouw Morey inexpressibly shocked. For a moment thought a usually equable temper had been ruffled by the almost continuous work of twenty months, culminating in an all-night sitting. On reflection he saw that the Seurre was merely adapting an engineer- ing phrase, describing a proceeding common enough on river courses. The only point on which remark open to criticism is that it is tautologicel, Business done.—Appropriation Bill brought in. Thursday.—Grorar Newnes looked in just now ; much the same as ever; the same preoccupied, almost pensive look ; a mind weighed down by ever-multiplying circulation. Troubled with consideration of proposal made to him to pub- lish special edition of Strand Magazine in tongue under- standed of the ——— of the peoples of India. Has conquered the English- ing race from Chatham to Chattanooga, from Southampton to Sydney. Now lo! the poor Indian brings his annas, and begs a boon. ; Meanwhile one of the candi- dates for vacant Poet Laureate- ship has broken out into elegiac verse. ‘‘ Newnes,” he exclaims, ‘‘ Newnes, noble hearted, shine, for ever shine ; Though not of royal, yet of hal- lowed line.”’ That sort of thing would make some men vain. There is no couplet to parallel it since the famous one written by Pore on a place frequented by a Sovereign whose death is noto- rious, a place where Great Anna, whom three realms obey, {sometimes tea. Did sometimes counsel take and The poet, whose volume bears the proudly humble pseudonymn “ A Village Peasant,’’ should look in at the House of Commons and continue his studies. There are a good many of us here worth a poet’s attention. Sark says the thing is easy enough. ‘‘ Toss ’em off in no time,” says he. “ There’s the Savrre now, who has not lately referred to his Plantagenet parentage. Apostrophising him in Com- mittee on Evicted Tenants Bill one might con said :— Savrre, noble hearted, shine, for ever shine ; Though not of hallowed yet of royal line.” Business done.—Appropriation Bill read second time. turned up. Sir Witrarp Lawson and others said ** Dam.” Saturday.—Appropriation Bill read third time this morning. Prorogation served with five o’clock tea. , ** Parleyment!” said one of the House of Commons waiters loitering at the gateway of Palace Yard and replying to inquiring visitor from the country. ‘‘ Parleyment’s horff.” So am I. Business done.—All. Weir TO DOROTHY. (My Four-year-old Sweetheart. ) To make sweet hay I was amazed to find You absolutely did not know the way, Though when you did, it seemed much to your mind To make sweet hay. We wandered out. It was a perfect day. I asked if I might teach you. You were kind Enough to answer, ‘‘ Why, of course, you may.” I kissed your pretty face with hay F creates We made sweet hay, Bat what will Mother say If in a dozen years we ’re still inclined To make sweet hay ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL —Serremszr 1, 1894 > od w > w a wi z o 4 oO =) a FOR CLEANING, SCOURING, AND SCRUBBING FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE IRONS, MANTELS, &c. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c. ¢ by Williem Steart Smith, of No. 2, Kgzeine Rest, Befower, fe Se Sate & ©. Eee, Islington, in the ne Conate of Middlesex. at the Printing Uffices of Messrs. Brad + Senew. < Street, in the Preeimet of W hitetriam, im the City of Leadon, and published by him at No. 66, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. bride, City of —Sareapat,

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Published PICTURES FROM “PUNCH,” Volume 2 with an excellent Portrait of the late JouN Leecu as Frontispiece, tis Now Ready at the Booksellers. Very elegantly bound in cloth, gilt edges, uniform with the First Volume, Price Six Shillings. in no case be returned, To this rule there will be no exception. Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. or Wrapper e, Cover ad Matter i Enveloy PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. PRICE THREE PENCE. not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addresse i = ils ad sar ’ | NM We ra = % Pe ~ 3 Gs ecm . Ga” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printe ” PUNCH OFFICE, 85, = STREET, LONDON. i eee ——— ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. NO CHEMICALS USED.

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“4% Ky %,

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ee Ysa 0 THE N. a. Wise, Visits rica ie A ite bells, hot and on, Anderson, i, London Mm, at 5. Fen End Branch WILLS pb atten- c to the 3IRD’S rLES” in the SANGET {SBOURG. UE. LLES. APUCINES | September 8, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 0 | tA | i iS THE BAR A PROFITABLE PROFESSION? | (A Query to be answered during the Long Vacation.) I am always reluctant to obtrude my personality upon the British Public, All the world know my address in the Temple, and so lon as my learned friends who act as intermediaries between myself po the litigation-loving publie bear me in mind, I require no further —~ advertisement. However, I cannot close my eyes to Duty, and Duty points to the pages of a paper that may be a tly called the organ of the Bench, the ury, and the Bar. 1 feel compelled to publish the following short story in the columns of that organ as a proof of the some of the profession to which I have the honour to belong. I shall be only too pleased if my Spartan- ~ like conduct proves of benefit to my | /, fellow-counsel. I write in their service, | ’ and without an eye—yes, I venture to say half an eye—to the main chance. | My narrative will prove that ignorance, | and, if I may be permitted to say so, | un onable ignorance exists at the | Law Courts. I have kept silent until the Long Vacation has com- | menced. My reason for this reticence is not difficult to discover. | Had I taken the gare into my confidence at an earlier date, it would be obvious that I might have suffered in professional statas. Now that the Long Vacation has been reached, there is ample time for the process known as “living it down.” But I will not anticipate. I must confess that I was not a little pleased the other day to learn from my excellent clerk, Portineton, that a representative of the firm of Crocs, Jupas, AND Friars, were anxious to see me on a matter of business. ‘*Have I had them as clients before?” I asked my worthy assistant. “Oh, no, Sir,” returned Portrnetox, ‘* You see, for the last five years you have only had——” ‘Yes, yes,” I interrupted, for my excellent clerk is sometimes inclined to become a trifle prosy. ‘I will see him at once. Is he in| my room?” ** Weil, no, Sir; as the soda-water cases, Mr. Biock’s room. since we have had the lawn-tennis nets—— But here I again interrupted my worthy assistant, who, I am | forced to admit, is sometimes a trifle discursive. I interrupted him, | - entering Brock’s room, made the acquaintance of my new client. **T think, Sir,” said my visitor, “that you are of opinion that | there is no custom concerning the dismissal of office messengers?” | I never like to commit myself without referring to my books, so I | was silent for a moment. ** At least,” continued my client, ‘‘ you have not heard of any?” | ‘* Well, no,” I returned; ‘‘so far as my experience goes, I have not come across the custom.” “That’s quite enough for us, Sir. If you will swear that, we! shal] want nothing further.” Rather to my disgust my visitor suddenly placed a subpana in my hand, and told me that the case would most likely be in the list on the following day. Anncyed at his brusqueness I told him I had been | ready to accept him gratuitously as a client. I added that as I now found I was only in request as a witness I should require a guinea. “Oh, of course,” said my visitor, producing thecash. ‘* We looked ou out, and your name is inthe Law Lust; and I see, too, you ave painted it on the door of Mr. Biocx’s chambers.” Disdaining to smile at what I considered to be rather a clumsy attempt at p/aisanterie, I bowed, and rang the bell. ‘* Perhaps we had better have your porate address, Sir,” continued my visitor, ‘* It would be safer, for then we could wire to you when it came on, and you would be sure to get our telegram.” **T am always here while the Courts are sitting,’ I returned, ia a tone of hauteur ; *‘ so you must please wire to me here.” ** Just as you like, Sir,” And a few minutes later my clerk saw my visitor safely off the | remises. I admit that I was Sonty annoyed at the term *‘ wire,”’ t is true that his firm’s name not appeared—at any rate, | recently—in my fee-book, but that was no reason why he should | suggest that I was constantly absent from my chambers. I really pitied Messrs. Crocs, Jupas ayp Frans for having a clerk with so ittle tact, and such a stock of experience. _On the following morning, when I was standing at the door of the Carey Street Robing , considering whether | should assume my forensic costume, or enter the Court as a layman, I was accosted by | the same individual, who told me *‘ that we were third on the list.” | *So you will be wanted almost at once, Sir,” said he. ou said that Mr. Inxerton might use it for | thought it would be better to show him into | You see, Sir, it is tidier than your room; for | ’ “Well, I shall be able to come,” I replied, ‘as, strange to say, have no business before their Lordships to-day.” . | ‘* Chiefly chamber practice, I suppose, Sir ?”’ “Quite so,” I returned, looking him steadily in the face. ‘1 mean to-day.” _ I will not tell a wearisome story of how I had to hang about the Court until the interval for luncheon, and longer. I will hurry to the point when I entered the witness-box. To my surprise and secret satisfaction there was quite a stir when my name was called out. The Silks in the front row smiled, and my colleagues the juniors tittered. Even his Lordship looked up with an expression of pleasant anticipation. I was duly sworn, and gave my name. ** Now, Sir,” said the Counsel for our si e, ** tell me, have you known anything about office messengers ?”’ I considered for a moment. As a Member of the Bar (although I had not been asked for my profession—no doubt that was sufli- ciently well known) I desi to set an example. I wished to show what a witness should be. I desired to appear as a model worthy of close and universal imitation. **T have seen office messengers in offices for many years—as long as I can remember.” _I spoke with absolute gravity. To my astonishment there was a titter which grew into a roar of lnnghies even his Lordship found it difficult to control his cachinnation. “* Yes,” said the counsel, when he had partially recovered his gravity. ‘‘ But, tell me, do you know any custom in connection with their dismissal ?” Again I considered the matter for afew seconds, and made a second How long reply. _* No; I am unaware of any special custom in connection with their dismissal,”’ This time there was no titter. My answer was received at once with the wildest merriment. The tele langhed as much as anyone, and the Usher had to wipe his head with his handkerchief, so greatly moved was he by his sense of the ridiculous, ‘ a { , aor sat down convulsed, and had to conceal his face behind 1is brief. **T really don’t think,” gasped out the judge, ‘‘ that this witness need be crcss-examined.” And I was not, As I returned to my seat amidst the smiles of everyone in Court, a reporter asked me for my Christian name. Before 1 could reply, one of my colleagues in wig and gown gave him what he supposed was the necessary information. ** But you are wrong,” I whispered, and (with a view of crushing him) handed him my card. “You don’t say so,” returned my learned friend; ‘‘ why, we thought you were Panto,—the chap you know, who writes as * Yorick’ for the Serto-Comic Jester.’ And it had come to this! I had been taken, or rather mistaken, for a humorous contributor! And this after about a quarter of a century's service at the Bar! And yet there are those who say that the profession is not going to the dogs! However, I must express my surprise at the conduct of the judge. It is not ten years since that I had the pleasure of holding a consent brief before him. And yet he had forgotten me! When the Bench is so forgetful, how can Silk and Stuff be expected to have better memories ! Pump-Handle Court, (Signed) September 1, 1894, A. Brrervess, Jowror. **RHYMES,” Wuatever the subject that people discuss, Theology, law, architectural P ythinge— St. Albans, for instance—there’s ready for us A lover of knock-me-down language to say things. Lord Gaimtnorre will yreere | write to the 7imes. His last learned homilies treated of rhymes. Ne sutor—Lord Grimtuorpe could tell you the rest Lord GrimTHorrE could write you a letter about it, Lord Garuwrnorre, decidedly wisest and best ‘ Of wise and good teachers, no person could doubt it ; Since, be what it may, he will write to the Times, Church, chancery, chapels, chants, chamfers or chimes. Ne sutor—the limit should never be past But where is the limit ? He tackles each squabbler. We see each new letter, but never the last ; All things need repair, and Lord G. is the cobbler. Cathedrals or canticles—still to the Zimes He writes, some might say, neither reasons nor rhymes, Mirrrary Worp or ComMAND FoR THOSE WHO Have “ FALLEN my Love.”’—Fall out! VOL. Cvi. L

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CITARIVARLI. SUPPLY AND DEMAND. Wat arg THese Cuaps, Jim?” Way [Seerempr: 8, 1894. THEY "RE ALL HEARLS AND MARKESSES, THEY TELL ME, AS IS DOWN ON THEIR Luck ! WELL, THEN, WOT 'S THE GOOD OF THFIR MAKIN’ New Peers, WHEN ALL THESE POOR NOBLEMEN ARE OUT OF A Jon?” SILLY SEASONING. Tue era of newspaper controversy has once more begun, and the wail of the letter-writer is again heard in the land. The guileless reader may possibly imagine that the letters he reads so readily are so many brands plucked from the burning—in other words, so many contri- butions snatched out of the Waste- knows better; the letters are written where the contro- v begins and en ds—in the ew ce. Why should 85, y Fleet Street lag behind its >o—y in journalistic controversy? If the t cir- culations have their leader-writers, not Mr. Punch his “ young men”? The fol- lowing letters, therefore, it is ad- mitted, were written in Street. ease notice the careless grace with which “ Peck- | +1, Rye” and the * Borough Road” are thrown in to give an air of “ verisimilitude to a bald and unconvincing narrative” as Poon Ban said. The subject of the corre- dence gave some small amount of trouble. ; Sleeping healthy ?” was one suggestion : ‘Ought Husbands to kiss their Wives?” Ts another. Honeymoon” won a narrow majority. ac division. Of course it need hardly be said that the subject ought to be matrimonial. It’s expected of you. The public look for it. They shall get it. Here are some of the letters :— THE ETHICS OF THE HONEYMOON, Dear Sre,—I desire in your valuable paper to draw attention to a question which I have | been carefully considering for a great number of years: Are Honeymoons right? Man and boy I have been a bachelor these forty years, and as such have had peculiar and extensive opportunities for seeing that ‘* most of the game” which is reserved for outsiders. As the result of my observation, I confidently assert that honeymoons are useless, dangerous, and ought to be abolished. They are useless in that the only B my they profit are the hotel-keepers. ey are dangerous to the happy pairs, who see enough of one another in a t to imperil their happiness for a lifetime. and a Hyde Park Demonstration should settle matter. Yours faithfully, Peckham Rye. Tom E. Ror. Dean Mr. Puxcu,—However can anyone ask such a foolish question as ‘“* Are Honey- moons right?” I never forget mine. It was one long dream. We spent the time in Switzerland and £300 in cash. We're still | | bolition is clearly the only remedy, | me | “The Ethies of the paying interest on the money Epwis borrowed y to pay for it. But what of that? The time we spent was a poem, the recollection of it is a rapture. Though I should never be fortunate enough to spend another, I sha!l always rejvice in my first honeymoon. Yours matrimonially, ANGELINA MANDOLINE. The Cosy Corner, Swiss Cottage. Sir,—I object to honeymoons because those who take part in them are so unsociable. What greater disfigurement to a landscape than a lot of couples honeymooning about ? The whole thing is such a farce, too—each would rather speak to some one else, both are afraid of offending one another. To pre- vent anyone thinking I say this because I've been bitten myself, { may add that my first honeymoon was such a success that next week I’m going to get married again, and take another. Yours, A Wrpowenr. 1097, Borough Road, S. E, On a Heroine of our Day. Her very naughtiness is droll, There ’s fun in her worst folly, In fact she’s no Society Doll, But a Society ‘* Dolly.” On her the straightest-laced spectator Bestows his benediction, And owns her keen and skilled creator A Hope of English fiction. |

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Serizembea 8, 1894}

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVARL

THE LAW OF THE (SOCIAL) JUNCLE. Mr. Rupyarp Kre.ie has given us in his own inimitable = a har ay Jungle Law, which, as he sa is immense com- lexity.” Now ciety is also a Jungle, the Hemen 2 Juogle. In it > a ——_ ~ congregates, for a variety of laws are complex, and wie ww like those of the Wolves as Baloo gave them in sing-song. For example :— (For * Wolf” read ** ry we, Pad ** Jungle” the “ Social Wor Now this is the Law of the i ancient he Wolf that shall kesp it but And t olf that shall keep it ma: the Wolf that shall break it iam by, Seite As the cobweb that meshes the prconctn 4 " the Law nets Society’s track— For the wo § of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.

lp £> “Tub” daily from foei-covme to toe-tip ; drink freely but seldom too deep : And remember the night is for am and forget not the ae! is for sleep. The Jackal may siitheaii the ~~ but, Cub, when thy whiskers are Remember the Wolf is a an~¢e forth and track prey of thine own. a g Lords. of the Jungle, the And fool not et ih Elephant Taw, which is given to anne: the weak. When Pack crosses Pack in the jungle, and neither will budge from the trail Lie } till the Lawyers have spoken, for tongue against — may prevail ! When ye fight with . “Wolf of the Pack, do not fight him alone or afar, Let others look on at the scrimmage, the Pack is amused by such war.

The House of the Woit is his refuge, and where he has made him his home, If he is a Wolf of fair cunning, not e’en | County Councils <4 come. The House of the Wolf. is his refuge, but tet | him shun odorous drai Or the Council will send "him a ‘* Notice,” and he ’ll have to “* er ” it again, | If ye hunt after midnight be careful, and | block not the public bighway. Lest ye draw the police from their gossips, | have Forty Shillings to pay. 1x Ye may kill female souls for your pleasure, | The Vicar’ s Wife. may snare them the best way ye can, | Afiss@. “On, nirrin’ | A - Axp HAVE YOU HAD Goop Sport,

“NEW WOMAN.” Miss GoLpexperc 1” I onLY sHOT ONE Rappit, BUT I MANAGED TO INJURE QUITE A |

But mind you don’t h on preserves that | DOZEN more!” belong to a caalilawenmn P xl. | If ye plunder his Kill’ from a weaker, don’t | | Cub-Right is the right of the Minor. put on too much “* blooming side.’ eeds of crass folly or shame : ‘I’m an Infant!” For Some deeds it is lawful to erp _— as being | He may = in the plea, ‘ “bad form,” a should and Law will acknowledge the same. XIV. The “form” of the Pack j is the law of the| Sale-Right is the right of the Mother. For Pack. It will nm white lies, her she-cubs she may claim Ard ee or two, but that Wolf ’s a gone | The right of free-market (or marriage), and coon who the Pack ** form” defies. none may deny her the same. xII. xv. The Kill of the Wolf is the meat of the Wolf. | Law-Right is the right of the Male. He bas . He may do what he will made Jungle-law all his own, With his prey when he’s hunted it down;| He is free of all voice of the Female; and but he shouldn’t let pals see him kill. judged by the he-wolves alone.

XVL. Because of his age and his cunning, his grip and his power of jaw, In all that the Law leaveth open the word of King Mammen | is Law. Now these are the Laws of the Jungle, to sway human Wolves where they swarm ; But the head and the front of the Law, the beginning and end is—Conrorm | Wonderful, is it not, how little the Law of the Wolf requires modif apying. to make it the Law of the Worldling € Treason, per- haps, is that Se 9 average Worldling is so very much like a W f, especially in gregarious- ness and greed f = "prey !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 8, 1894. | LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes. ) PART X.—BORROWED PLUMES. Scene X VII.—Uspersnens’s Bedroom in the East Wing at Wyvern, Trime—Abdout 9 P.M. The Steward's Room Boy (knocking and entering). Brought you up some ‘ot water, Sir, ease you'd like to clean up afore ee. Undershell. | presume evening dress is not indispensable in the Housekeeper’s Koom ; but I can hardly make even the simplest toilet until you are good enough to bring up my portmanteau. Where is it? Boy. 1 never ’eard nothink of no porkmanteau, Sir! Und. You will hear a good deal about it, unless it is SuGooning at once. Just find out what’s become of it—a new portmanteau, wi a white star painted on it. [ The Boy retires, impressed; an interval. Boy (re-appearing). | managed to get a few words with Taomas, our second footman, just as he was coming out o’ the All, and he sez the only porkmanteau with a white star was took up to the Verney Chamber, which Tomas unpacked it hisself, Und. Then tell Tuomas, with my compliments, that he will | trouble himself to pack it again imme- diately. Boy. But Tuomas has to wait at table, and besides, he says as he laid out the dress things, and the gen’iman as is in the Verney Chamber is a wearin’ of ‘em now, Sir. Und. indignant). But they’re mine’ Confound his impu- dence! Here, f / write him a line at once. ( He scribbles a note Here, see that the gentleman of the Verney Chamber gets this at once, and bring me his answer. Boy. What! me go into the Dinin’ ’All, with all the swells at table? I dursn’t. I should get the sack from old Treppy. Und. 1 don’t care who takes it so lon as it is taken. Teil THomas it’s Ags mis- take, and he must do what he can to put it right. Say I shall certainly complain if I don’t get back my clothes and portmanteau. Get that note delivered, and I’ll give you half-a-crown. (Zo himself, as the Boy departs much against Ais will.) So, not content with denying me a place at her table, this Lady Cutverry allows her minions to clothe a more favoured guest at my expense! I’m hanged if I stand it Scene XVIIL—The Dining Hall. The table is oval ; SpurRExt is placed between Lady Knopa Cokayye and Mrs, Brooxe-Cuatrexris. Mrs. Chatteris (encouragingly, after they are seated). Now, I shall expect you to be very brilfiant and entertaining. J ’ll do all the lis- tening for once in a way—though, generally, I can talk about all manner of silly things with anybody / Spurrell (extremely ill at ease). Oh—er—I should say you were equal to ‘hat, But | really can’t think of anything to talk about. | Mrs. Chatt. That’s a bad beginning. I always find the menu cards such a good subject when there's anything at all out of the common about them. If they’re ornamented, you can talk about them—though not for very long at a time, don’t you think ? Spurr. (miserably). I can't say how long I could go on about ornamented ones—but these are plain. (7o himself.) 1 can hear this waistcoat going already ; and we’re only at the soup! Mrs. Chatt. It isa pity. Never mind; tell me , literary and | artistic people. Do you wI’m rather glad I’m not li or artistic myself—it seems to make people so queer-looking, A, Oh, of course I didn’t mean you ed queer—but generally, you | know. You've made quite a success with your Andromeda, haven't you? lonly go by what I’m told—I don’t read much myself. We “ Tt does seem to me such—well, such footle !”’ women have so many really serious matters to attend Oheerenging about dinners, and visits, and trying on frocks, and then rusbin about from party to party. I so seldom fet a quiet moment. Ah, knew I wanted to st you something. Did you ever know anyone called Lady GrisoLine ? Spurr. Lady—er—Gaisotine? No; can’t say I do, Maisie, that’s all. i : Mrs. Chatt. Oh, and she was the original? Now, that is excit- ing! But I should hardly have recognised her—‘‘ lanky,” you know, and “slanting green eyes.” But I suppose you see everybody differently from other people? It’s having so much imagication. [ daresay / look green or something to you now—though really I’m not, 8, she’s saying. (Aloud. about you. . Mrs. Chatt. (only partially pleased). I wonder if you meant that to be complimentary—no, you needn’t explain. Now tell me, is there any news about the Laureateship? Who's going to get it? Will it be Swivsvgye or Lewis Mornis ? Spurr. (to himself). Never heard of the stakes or the horses either. (Aloud.) Well, | to tell you the truth, | I haven't been follow. | ing their furm — too many of these small events nowadays. Mrs. Chatt.~ (to herself). It’s quite amusing how jealous these puets are of one | another! (Aloud) Is | it true they get a butt of sherry given them for it ? Spurr. I’ve heard | of winners getting a | bottle or two of cham- | pigne in a backet— | not sherry. But a little stimulant won't | hurt a crack when he | comes ia, provided it’s | not given him too | soon; wait till he’s | ot his wind and done lowing, you know. Mrs. Chatt, 1’m taking that in. 1 | know it’s very witty | and satirical, and I | daresay I shall un- | derstand it in time. Spurr. Oh, it doesn’t matter much if you | don’t. (To himself.) | Pleasant kind of wo- man—but a_ perfect fool to talk to! Mrs. Chatt. (to herself), I’ve always heard that clever writers | are rather stupid when you meet them—it’s guite true. Captain Thicknesse (to himself), 1 should iike her to see that I’ve | got some imagination in me, though she does think me such an ass. (Aloud, to y Marsre.) Jolly old hall this is, with the banners, and | the gallery, and that—makes you fancy some of those old medieval | Johnnies in armour—knights, you know—comin’ clankin’ in and turnin’ us all out. Lady Maisie (to herself). I do trust Mr. SpurRect isn’t saying | something too dreadful. I’m sure I h my nome Dee now. (Aloud, absently, to Capt. Tu1cxnesss.) No, did you really? How amusing it must have been ! Capt. Thick. (aggrieved). lf you’d done me the honour of payin’ any | attention to what { was sayin’, you'd have found out it wasn’t amusin’. | Lady M. (starting). Oh, wasn’t it? I’m so sorry I missed it. I—I’m afraid I was thinking of something else. Do tell me again ! Capt. Thick. (still hurt). No, I won’t inflict it on yon—not worth | repeatin’. And I should only be takin’ off your attention from a fellow that does know how to talk. | Lady M. (with a guiltiness which she tries to carry off under dignity). 1 don’t think I understand what you mean. Capt. Thick. Well, | couldn't help hearin’ what you said to your a. 5. before we went in about beving to put up with partners ; | and it isn’t what you may call flattering toa fellow s feelin’s, being t up with. "lan M. (hotly). It—it was not intended for you. You entirely misunderstood ! I know Lady rr. (to himself). 1 don’t understand more than about half Oh, I don’t see anything particularly green . Pritt Y sy

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wt dhemnnnt “—

Sertemper 8, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113

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Capt. Thick. Daresay I’m very dense; but, even to my compre- hension, it’s plain enough that the reason why you weren't listenin’ | to me just now was that the Poet had the luck to say somethin’ that | you found more interesting. Lady M. You are quite wrong—it’s too absurd ; I never even met Mr. SpuRRELL in my life till this afternoon. If you ly must |“ know, I heard him mention my name, and—and | wondered, naturally, what he could possibly saying. Capt. Thick, Somethin’ very charmin’ and ical, I’m sure, and 1’m makin’ you lose it all. Apologise—shan’t happen again. Lady M. Please be sensible, and let us talk of something else. Are you staying here long ? Capt. Thick. You will be gratified to hear I leave for Aldershot to-morrow. Meant to have gone to-day. Sorry I didn’t now. Lady M. | think it was a thousand pities you didn’t, as you seem can. ens turns to her other neighbour, Lord LuLutneton. Mrs. Chatt. (to Capt. TaickwessE, who is on her other side). Oh, Captain Taicknesse, what do you think Mr. Srvreect has just told_ me? You remember those lines to Lady Guisotiwe that Mr. Prrtryer made such fun of this morning?’ Well, meant for Lady Maisiz! They’re quite old friends, it seems. So romantic! Wouldn’t you like to know how they came to meet ? Capt. Thick. Can’t say I’m particularly curious—no affair of mine, don’t you know. (Zo himself.) And she told me they ’d never met before! Sooner I get back the better. Only in the way here. Lady M. (turning to him). Well, are you as determined to be disagreeable as ever’ Oh, yee I see you are! Capt. Thick. I’m hurt, that’s what it is, and I’m not clever at hiding my feelin's, Fact is, I’ve just been told somethin’ that—_| , well, it’s no business of mine, only you might have been a little more frank with an old friend, instead of leavin’ it to come through some- body else. These things always come out, you know. Lad M. (to herself). That wretch has : would! (Aloud.) I—I know I’ve been very foolish. If I was to Capt. Thick. (hastily), O}., no reason why you should tell me any- thing. Assure you, I—I’m not curious. Lady M. In that case I shall certainly not trouble you. (Zo herself.) He may think just what he pleases, J don't care. But, astonish him ! heard who I’m next to. I always do feel such a perfect fool when I’ve got to talk to a famous person—and you're frightfully famous, aren’t you ? : Spurr. (modestly). Oh, I don’t know—I sup I am, in a sort of way, through Andromeda, Seem to think so here, anyhow. La Poetry—can’t make head or tail of it, some’ow. It does seem to me Spurr. Isit? I’m just the same—wouldn’t give a penny a yard | for Poster, myself! Lady Rh. You wouldn’t? I am glad. Such a let-off for me! [ was afraid you’d want to talk of nothin’ else, and the only things I can really talk about are horses and dogs, and that kind of thing. Spurr. That’s all right, then. All I don’t know about dogs and

rattle! Lady Rh, Then you’re just the man. Look here, I’ve an Airedale at home, oudhe’s losin’ all his coat and—— hey converse with animation. | Spurr. (later—to himself). I am getting on, I always knew || was made for Society. If Sir, but I was req answer. } ‘ Spurr. (opening it, and reading). “Mr. Gatraip UNDERSHELL | thinks that the gentleman who is occupying the Verney Chamber has, doubtless by inadvertence, put on Mr. Unpenrsaett’s evening clothes. As he requires them immediately, he will be obliged by an early appointment a 2 made, with a view to their return.” (7Z0| himself.) Oh, Lor! en it wasn’t Sir Rupert, after all! Just when | was beginning to enjoy m evening, too. What on earth am I to say to this chap? I can’t take ’em all off here! ; [He sits staring at the paper in blank dismay. |

The Wail of the Word-Spinner. new under the sun at all ayo laine and shoppy. ** origi ' THERE is To your j ist And how can a man When his days (and his nights) are devoted to “copy”? | is ti ead will ne’er “* knock at the stars,” No. no, his tired h

of *‘ leaders’’ and “* pars.” j Who is tied to the spinning to have stayed on purpote to be as stupid and unkind as you possibly Yet we steer they were|‘‘ Though the land be bleak and When the savage tribes come shout- talking! I knew he| We have tamed And in prose he only this coat was easier under the arms! | commenced with the New Humour, is extending to the theatres. Thomas (behind him—in a discreet whisper). Beg your pardon,| New Boy now has for a competitor The New Woman, What to ’and you this note, and wait for an | matters, so long as neither is a Nui-S’ance ? THE VOYAGE OF ALFRED. [See Mr. ALFRED Austin’s article, entitled “‘ That Damnable Country,” in Blackwood’s Magazine. } ‘ LAND, land!” cried Atrrep Avstiy, “ By my halidom, I spy land ! Many weary leagues we’ve wandered since we left our native _ shores, coding still through calm and tempest a remote and barren island, e While we smote the sounding farrows of the ocean with our oars. Never wind availed to beat us; by the waters overweighted, Or becalmed, with idle canvas hang- ing loosely from the mast, ‘ her or we rowed her with our courage unabated, And, our labours past and over, we have come to land at last. barren, though barbarians its dwellers, Let us add this last achievement to the record of our deeds : ing as attackers and repellers, We can win the men with clothing and the women-folk with beads. ‘There be savages in India as in Tierra del Fuego ; ' There be savages in Zululand with shield and assegai ; them, whether cannibals or fed on rice and sago— Shall a Briton ever flinch from such? No, by the Lord, not |!”

tell you some time—— On the land he had discovered thus the Poet Austin landed ; Maxco Poro or Corumsus might have envied him the scene ; described it, in a language understanded Of the people, and has printed it in Blackwood's Magazine. oh, if Mr. SpurRett dares to speak to me after this, I shall! The scenery was beautiful, so lovely that it dazed him ; He thought their manners charming, and he rather liked their rain. Lady Rhoda (to Srurne.t). I say—I am in a funk. Only just) He did not find them savages, which seems to have amazed him ; And he tells us all to visit them again and yet again. We thank you for the hints you give describing what you've seen there, It really is amazing ; but——(a whisper in your ear) dy Rh. Well, I’d better tell you at once, I’m no good at} You’re not the first discoverer, for some of us have been there, And shaken hands with Irish folk before the present year. such—well, such footle. Awf'ly rude of me sayin’ things like that! ; ‘ : ; But in your precious article your wonder you exhaust in Describing how an Irishman can really be polite : “* Behold,” you say, “ the Irishman as patronised by Austin ; He is not black, though painted so—in fact he’s rather white.” Don’t patronise so much, dear A. I do not say you write ill ; But oh that awful title, with its most offensive D horses you could. pat in a homaopethis globule—end then it would Devoutly do I hope, dear A. ae ll find a better title, ew And write a wiser artic en next you cross the sea. Srvupies From THE New-pe.—The rage for ‘‘ New’’-ness, ve 1 ‘* Finest English!” ‘* By their fruits ye shall know them,” these vendors of peaches, Tomatoes, and cob-nuts, and currants and cherries ; But what we yet lack is the wisdom that teaches Detection of fraudulent fruits, nuts, and berries, Which come from abroad, to the Britisher’s table All marked “ Finest English!” that lying old label ! A Trade Mark is wanted—to badge these false brutes, That But may not only know them but their fruits. Tue Seven Aces or Man.—Cot-age (Infancy), Trot-age (Nursery | Toddler), Hot-age (Youth), Shot-age (Sport), Knot-age (Matrimo- nial), “‘ Pot” -age (Celebrity), and Dot-age (Senility). Tue Rear Fatt oy May.—Falling in love!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Szprempee 8, 1894. =~ Ss = ——_ — Mrs Mr. Staule Jones, (.C. (aside to Mra, Jones), HOLIDAY CHARACTER STUDIES. Stanley Bounderson (née Martha Fullalove, the Liverpool heiress), ‘‘Wuat wovtp Doapy po, IF BIS LOVING LITLE WIFEY DIDN'T CARRY MIS GREAT HEAVY WATERPROOF FOR HIM WHEN IT LEAVES OFF RAINING, AND HE WANTS TO SMUKE?” y Bounderson (alias Doady). ‘** He 'D CARRY IT HIMSELF, I sUPProsE!"” “Yrs; AND BE TWICE AS FOND OF HIS LITTLE WIFEY INTO THE BARGAIN, You BET!” [ Which is best, to love much, like Mrs. S. B., or be much loved, like Mrs. J. ? DON’T “COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS”! Orn, Tue Sieery Sace AND THE Biamervit Erasroriays, A Sea-side Sketch in September. ScenE—A Sea-shore in holiday time. Paesent—A Sleepy Sage in holiday attire. Sleepy Sage (soliloquises), ‘‘ Here cease more questions,” as my prototype Prospero says. Why, cert’nly! Here cease—for the time being —e// questions, es recially political ones, as the perorating parrots of Party controversy—confound ’em !—cal] them. Question me no questions! Ask me no questions, and 1’ll give you no snubs, “ Thou art inclined to sleep,” | continues Prospero, I am, | “Tis a good dulness And give it way.” | I shall. Dulness of course ‘in a Shakspearian sense.” Like Bottom, | “* IT have an exposition of sleep come upon me,” but the ** captain of my dreams” is not that of the egregious weaver. Pheugh! ‘tis torrid! Nune est bibendum! Where's that wine-cup lying couched in—sand ? Good! Guggle—guggle - le! The very glug-glug of lapsing liquor is soporifie as the sou a “ Silver rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sing madrigals.” Sweet ‘ Swan,”’ thy music runneth in my head to-day. the buzzings of the political Bumble-B's, the bray of Bant—— but no matter! ‘Tis a season when, in sugary summer mood, one wishes soft slumbers even to the blaring Bottoms of thehour. ‘‘ Blessed be the man who invented sleep!” Right, good Sancho ! “Oh sleep! it is a blessed thing, Beloved from pole to pole!” True, oh Ancient Mariner! Come, lord of stretched ease and night- capped noddles. (Drowses.) Better than ** burning ”’ ones, | Enter certain ebony Minstrels, of sham Ethiopian sort, on raucous | | | | | row—miscalled popular music—eagerly intent, First Minstrel (seftly). Hist! He's here! Second M. ( pianissimo). See He slumbers! ! Third M. (setto roce). Now have we Him at vantage!!! Toby ( fortissimo). Yap! Yap! Yap! Sleepy Sage (drowsily), Down, Dog of dogs, down, Sir! [Tostras, albeit reiuctantly, ‘* downs” accordingly, | First M. Say, what shall we tip him? ‘The Chucker-Out”? | Second M. Or “Linger longer Lulu!”? Or **Get your Har- | court!” ? Or “ The Grand Old Man who shied ’’ ? First M. Or ‘‘ My Poll and my ‘ Preponderant Partner’ John” ? Or ** My Pretty Primrosers ” ? Second M. Or “*The Hum of B’s”? Or “* The Tin Gee (Jay) | Gee” ? : Third M. By Jabers, no, let’s give him something Hibernian— | for a change! First M. (aside). Oh Lords deliver us! Second M. (aside). For a change ? Third M. (sings fortissimo)— My name is Patrick Leary, From the town New Tipperary. The heart of Brit O’Brien I’m a thorn in. But for my long-promised pay, I must wait snother day, For the Peers have chucked me cruel and wid scornin’ ! Chorus :— To my woes could they be coulder ? Since they ’ve give me the could shoulder ! ; To the poor plan-of-campaigners I'm a warnin’. Faix! I’ve lately tuk the notion I must cross the broiny ocean, 7 , And seek funds in Philadelphy some foine mornin’. Toby (exploding). Yap! yap!! yap!!!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 1 o> : prhs DONT “COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS”! Mr, P, (sleepily). ‘“‘GO AWAY—GO AWAY!—I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!” i f Wes

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SzrremBer 8, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Sleepy Sage (stirring, and muttering). When my cue comes, call me end I clilenower, We ueah fo Pesreary Fill-dyke.” Hey! bo! B-rtt-x-Quince! B-w1-s the bellows-blower! As-m-ap the State- tinker! We-ntheinterrogative! Gad's my life! stolen away and left me asleep! I have had a most rare vision! I have had a dream,— past the wit of man (as Bottom and the G. 0. M. both put it) to say what it was: man is but an assif he go about to expound this (Irish) dream. Methought I was—there is no man can tell what. Methought I was, and methought I had,—but man is but a patched fool, if he offer to say what I had. Meseemed I was a sort of Hibernian Titania enamoured of—— But the eye of man hath not heard, the ear of man hath not seen, man’s hand is not able to taste, his tongue to conceive, nor his heart to report what I wasenamoured of. I will get one of my young men to write a ballad of this Hibernian Midsummer- Madness Dream ; it may well be called Bottom’s Dream, because it hath no bottom. It seemed to be suggested wh and to be set to, music of a musie-hally sort. tripping but thunderous and thrasonic, and—— (rubs his eyes). Hillo!!! (To the three minstrels tuning up for another try.) Who inthe name of Nox are you? I twig, I twig! Cacophony incarnate, Shindy in soot, triple-headed Cerberus of Row, I know you! Getout!!! Have I not had enough of you in town ever since February, but that you must impudently intrude upon my holiday quiet, my rural rest, my sea-side seclusion ? Dow’ come unto these yellow sands, Corked mugs and hands ! Hook it! You will not be missed. Off ! off ! well-hissed ! Foot it featly anywhere, So I’ve not your burden here. Hark ! hark! (Burden.) Bow-wow! ! ! ’Tis Toby's bark ! (Burden.) Bow-wow ! ! ! Hark! Listen! Hear! Clear out, each cork-smudged Chanticleer ! Get out, and leave me—po ! [ Exeunt Blameful Ethiopians ignominiously. poses himself to sleep. (Dispersedly.) (Dispersedly.) Sage again com- SAPPHICS ON TRAFFIC. (A Lover of London toa Weary Would-be Wayfarer.) Lover of London. Wovlp-se wayfarer! little think the proud ones Wh» in their coaches roll along the turnpike- Road, what hard work ’tis trying all day for Pimlico, Or Piccadilly. Tell me, wayfarer, how these Omnibuses, Growlers, and Hansoms, carts and vansof PickrorD, Slithering slowly over the slippery asphalte, Manage a journey ! Lingering loitering is not Locomotion ! Trieklin slow trailing through attenuate tho- roughfares Paroxysms of crawl and block alternate, Call you these Traffic! Civie Would-be Wayfarer. Traffic? Why bless you! We have none worth calling so; ’Tisn’t a thing expected in London City. This sluggish crawling varied with stoppage is all that We may attain to. What with the narrow labyrinths miscalled thoroughfares, What with the sewers and gas, the water and telegraphs, Traffic is simply a species of lingering agony, In the Metropolis ! Something is always “‘ up,” Sir, pipe-layers, paviors, Stirrers of most malodorous witeh- roth cauldrons, Makers of shindy and stench, with poor old Babylon, Play up old Gooseberry ! Courts and Councils, Committees and Correspondents, Always reporting, writing, and railing concerning it ; Nothing comes of it all save chaos more complicate, And higher ratings. Cheapside, Fleet Street, Strand, all semi-impassable, Scarcely a *‘ right-away”’ road in all the Capital ; As for the “‘ affluents” of our ed i They are chock-blockical ! SALOMAN wisely says the traffic of London Isn’t mere local matter—ought to be national. Hope we may get some good from wisdom of Satoman !— Hardly expect it, though. Far too long a prey to the power of Bumbledom ! Hope too long deferred has made me a Pessimist. Traffic? Merits the name as much as these stanzas do That of true Sapphies, Sir! Lover of London, You back such bunglers? I would see them blowed first— Duffers no civie spirit can rouse to competence, Paltry, preposterous, pettifogging, pottering, Rtecie Panjandrums ! A SONG FOR THE SLOGGER. (By One who has seen him Smite.) [During the Scarborough Cricket Week, Mr. C. 1, Tnorwron, the champion slogger of England and enthusiastic supporter of the sport, was presented with a silver yg ly ey himeelf at the wicket, as a memento of the great part he taken in the Scarborough Festival since its institution in 1869. Playing in the second innings of M. C. C. against Yorkshire, Mr. Thornton batted as energetically as ever, and twice drove the ball out of the ground.] Great THornton the slogger, it comes as a jogger To memory this tale of your trophy well merited. Great Sovtt! how time’s flitting. Your gift of tall-hitting, ich no one—save Bonnor— has fully inherited, You showed e’en at Eton. It has not been beaten. You’d whip even Jguv * furious driving.” Not dashing O’ Brien could lick the ion at plainly surviving. The pet of the Million, you’ve cleared the pavilion, And spanked the ball many times ** over the paling,’ Here’s health to you ** Buns!” may you score lots of runs, And oft stir the crowd with your spirit unfailing. How often I’d watch when they ‘' bowled for a catch,” And you gave ’em one, truly, but in the next parish! You’d run up your hundred, while “ all the world wondered,” In less than an hour, Sir, a wear-and-tearish. Though pedants demur, mighty smiting wi// stir, So ‘‘ more power to your elbow,” great Slogger of Sixes ! Ah! if you should play in the Shades some fine day, The Elysium Fields, in the old Oval way, They must “spread,” and you'll then clear the bounds, though they’re Styx’s!!! | QUEER QUERIES, Curapyess and Licut.—Will some reader kindly inform me | what is the best way of recovering the expenses I have recently been | put to in a most unpleasant Norwegian tour? Norway is said to be |a cheap country, so I think I was not unreasonable in expecting to | be able to see Christiania, Bergen, Trondhjem, and the North Cape, | with all the principal fiords and glaciers, or a five-pound note. But | I was bitterly Geropeaiee. As for the Midnight Sun, it is a com- plete fraud, and I should have considered myself lucky if I had seen |a mid-day sun more than once or twice in my tour. Ought not the | companies who advertise for tourists to explain that the Norse moun- | tains are only half as high as those in Switzerland? Then I was assured the hotel charges would be only half as high too; but I |found that it was impossible to get supper, bed, breakfast for less than half-a-crown anywhere! Comment is needless. I have | just returned home, and find that I have actually spent, during only | three weeks’ travel, exactly £8 10s. 74d. I had a miserable crossing to Hull. Whom ought I to sue? Penisn SCANDINAVIA. | NOT by ‘‘a Popular Baronet.” Ow streams whose course one must not block A weir is found hard by a lock ; At Westminster it ther W eir. | They ’d like a lock upon Of Cambridge, whose fire is stil!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Szpremper 8, 1894. | “ELPOMENE AMATEVA DRAMATIC civ8 RICHELIEU area, wy se I r a f} fh Vy p 1) Hit Wh i (Pigs hia | / ‘ ype ith _ Stage Ma eter to Gor nip or Tus Srace Frist?” Nervous Amateur, ** Yas ; suk 's JUST GONE tae a ow —- ‘ ' MISUNDERSTOOD. Nervous Amateur), “‘ Wet, OLD CHaP, H)W ARE YOU FEELING Now? UP TO HER DREssIxG-ROOoM ! DOGS’ MEET. Tue annual Canine Congress opened y day in the Isle of Dogs. Should the weather prove favourable it is expected that the re- union will be most successful. The Presi- dential Address was delivered by A. New- FOUNDLAND, Esq., winner of the Arst prize in a recent Crystal Palace Show. The President, who was received with general tail-wagging and yelping, observed that a statement had recently a ed in the public Press to the effect that were two million dogs in the United Kingdom. (Sen- sation.) Yea, he was so informed by his employer's seullery maid, in whom he had implicit confidence, as she always acted very liberally towards bim in the matter of bones. (Appiouse.) What he wanted to know was, all these dog« pay their licences, as ought to do® (General barking.) All dogs | who did not pay should be “* collared ”—either by their employers or the police. (Barks and they | cCELLOR some dissent.) If there were really two millions of their race, it could hardly be denied that the United Kingdom deserved the title of the true ** Dogs’ Home.” (Laughter.) But they had several crying—he meant how!l- ing—grievances, In the first place there were too many mongrels about. ((rowls.) Yes, in their case multiplication was vexa- tion. (A laugh.) He would put it to the common sense of the meeting. Obviously there was only a certain quantity of bones in the country. Well, the fewer dogs the more bones would there be for the remainder. (Barks of assent.) Then, as to the excellent legal doctrine, the Palladium of their liberties, that ‘* Every dog may have one bite.” He was sorry to see that some magistrates had been inclined to throw doubt on the justice of this maxim, and he hoped the Lozp Caan- fly at those magistrates—he meant removethem. (Barks.) Another point te which he must refer was that there was a tendency to put them off with imported bones. Now, Ae was a Conservative (barks), and he believed in the good roast beef of Old E land. (Barks and whining.) He too, that many — used an inferior kind of dog biseuit. (Howls.) If there were one form of food more —— than another it wasthe fin de siécle dog biscuit. ( Laughter.) Had it any meatinitatall? (** No.”) Was it composed chiefly of bad animal fat and bran? (** Yes.”) There was yet one more grievance he had to mention. On washing days (hewls) it was sad to think that their dignity should be lowered by having to sub- mit to a coat of lather. In this matter some otherwise excellent employers seemed afflicted with rabies. ( Barks.) e would leave it to the consideration of the Congress whether a universal strike against the grievances he had enumerated should be organised. [ Loud and general barking. At the close of the President’s address the Congress adjourned for the day. Papers have been promised on ‘‘ Cats, and How to Tackle them,” on *‘ The Temptation presented by Cyclists’ Calves,” and on ** Hygienic Kennels.” A very attractive pro- gramme of excursions to places of interest in the vicinity has also been er. Members of the Congress will be enabled to swim over to the south side of the Thames, and inspect the Dogs’ Home at Battersea, if the Manager will admit them. A happy day among the deer in Greenwich Park 1s contemplated, and Barking will of course receive a visit. Alto- gether, if the police do not interfere, a thoroughly enjoyable outing is anticipated. THE CURSE. A Fracment A ta Incoipsry. . 7 . « Tue Spectre arose with a menacing look. He as not for candle, for bell, or for book, But in terrible tones, growing gruffer and gruffer, He solemnly cursed that deluded Old Buffer ! He cursed him at board, he cursed him in bed, From his buniony feet to his shiny bald head; He cursed him in sleeping, that every night He should ———— burglars and wake in a fright ; He cursed him in eating, he cursed him in drinking, With troubles dyspeptic and mes, ~ of * sinking ” ; (flying, | He cursed him in walking, in running, in In puffing and panting, in freezing and frying, With horror of living and longing for dying. He banished him harshly from home, couch, and cook, His favourite chair, and his best-beloved ok ; (smoke, From afternoon snooze, and from snug evening From = ‘“* rubber,” and elderly joke; From pottering round in his trim-bedded garden, {churchwarden ; From down-at-heel slippers, old coat, and Condemned him to dress in swell togs void of ease, | To hurry and scurry, to crowd and to squeeze; | To horrible burdens and journeys of length, | Exceedingly trying to temper and strength ; | To puff like a porpoise, to pant and perspire, To doing—whatever he didn’t desire ! | Never was heard such a horrible curse! But what may give rise To some little surprise, This curse, at which courage may shiver and e, It only condemned the Old Buffer to take His Annual Holiday I! What can be worse? | -

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Septemper 8, 1894] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE VACUOUS TIME. “‘ Sea-serpents are now in season, and running = larga tee The Unlwensed Victualler.) Let Cowes delight in ues that bite Their furrows o'er the falluw main, Careering round the Isle of Wight, And ultimately home again. Some men may go to Westward Ho! And potter gravely through the greens, Or lease a little moor, and blow The grouse to smithereens ; Or flit across to fjord and fos, And captivate the toothsome trout Or hack initials on a schioss, And ir orange-peel about. Let some repair to regions where, Beneath the usual Southern moon, The nigger in his native lair ises the Alabama coon. A few may fly to far Shanghai, Or Argentine, if they prefer, And earn a paltry pittance by Reporting facts that don’t occur. While others hail the Dover mail, Humming the airs of quaint Yvette, And prove upon a private scale What life NS liked Ja Villette ; Or haply land upon a strand ry Where trim grisettes are clustered thie’, Watch the a bathers, and Observe that things are pas-ing chic. I know of lots of pretty spots Where peo to get the view; It is indeed, as Dr. Watts Sublimely said, their nature too. But there are some for whom the hum Of toil habitually throbs ; Adhesive as a patent gum They stick to their respective jobs. ae | heather blows, and houses close, A is ribed as bare (Though some Remai odd millions, I suppose x in invariably there) ; Pounding away serenely, they With pi umour smile at fate ;— I make allusion, need one say, To members of the Fourth Estate. In deadly dearth of copy worth Inserting they resort to Mars, Or Marriage-failure here on earth, As matter for expansive “* pars.” For them the prize sea-worms arise Fresh from eleven months of sleep, Flatter a Correspondent’s eyes, And fairly hurtle through the deep. And still they choose from subtle clues To weave their exegetic wit, Telling the nation all the news, even what to think of it. Meanwhile afloat, or far remote, The public who attains to miss The paper for the day can dote On ignorance akin to bliss. Tllogic in Liquor. Mem, by a Muser, How xical the of Town! fe ways of Town liquor up” means pouring li down. aod“ Aanding ‘tet means, with the Treat ” each other till bape they cannot ‘© DUNNO OU IL EST. Passenger from London (as the Train runs into the Gare du Nord, Paris), “ On—nn—I #1 —zR—GaRrsonc! KEL AY LE NOMME DU SET PLASS?” Just as we begin to know We can drive the frisky mare— . Bump! C ! * Mind youreye!” ‘ Tak ca * Out we go! Just as we begin to know We are bound to head the poll— “OUT WE GO.” Just as we begin to know What the grouping ‘‘ mummers” mean— Curtain! and ** God save the Queen /” Out we go. Just as we begin to know, Bat in hand, the bowler’s style— ‘*Whew! Too bad, upon my soul!” “*How’s that?” Witha lekiy smile, Out we go. ew Out we go. Just as we in to know | Just as we begin to know Tiss time Saat eek the bank ”— In our boy’s heart we've a place— | Ah! here comes Miss Prerrrract! Bah! We have ourselves to thank. Out we go. | Out we go. Just as we begin to know That the whisky is sublime— ** Gentlemen, it’s closing time!” Out we go. Just as we begin to know How to fight this world of sin— Ugh! the doctor bustles in. Out we go.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serrempee 8, 1894.

TO HER MOTHER. | ROBERT ON AMERRYCANS. | THE PIOUS LYNCHER’S CREED. On, you meddlesome old lady ! Wat fellers them Amerrycans is! (Adapted from the Biglow Papers Sor the benefit * Téte and Braidy ” I have s admired em since I fust made of parsonic defenders of the pleasant prac- Is a pun aquaintence with the real Gent as I used to tice of Lynching.) Not my own—but how I’ve said that wait upon at the Grand Otel at Cherring I pu believe in righteous Law— Of your head that Cross, and he was — Save when it Hate embarrasses— Spoilt the fun ! a reel Gent if ever 1 But I du hate the holy jaw there was one! Of them plump British Pharisees ! And you had a splendid chance to Well, I was ~ No White fan ought untried to swing, At that dance too. atending upon jest .. Be grilled, or sliced to jiggers ; How I shun such another gent // Bat Lynch Law is a kind o’ thing Plaited hair like yours, that popping at quite a grand ~ ~ Y That quite agrees with niggers! In, and stopping, Party the other 4 i Spoilt the fun ! night ; and, when I du believe ‘* beans” I may give it was all over. the To Pompey or to Cesar. 4 I, not being like you wealthy prineiple Gennel- The dog has nary right to lire Know the stealthy, man came up to Save as I chance to please, Sir ; Sneaking dun ; | meand interduced It aint no use to cant to me— Since my fortune is not grand, you me to him as an If you'd a cowhide whip shun— Snubbed me, and you Amerrycan Gent Of conscience or humanity, Spoilt the fun! | as wanted to speak Or rot of that description. When yom nee, fancied flirting 2 Sag tlw ; I ° believe Oe bm A _— ‘as that hurtir . ; s talk o’ Christian kindness ; 4 sedan — | as how as my little Ps The ‘‘coons” we'll hang, or roast, or And I helped her, she was not you. Book was about : — thrash, No, Great Scott ! you one of the most populerest in all the United | In wrath’s red fits 0” blindness. Spoilt the fun ! States! And he then arsked me how many We'll rule, if not with rope and ball, copies we had sold? And when I thort as I Why then with stake and seorcher. ame =| — ple ny Seng _ as I Pa Lynch Law, to make it stick at all, av sumtning about seventeen . then State matters, allers called for a copy of! hittin on an. for it one on age 5F r neko eaten tn to rites again, se im to with a ree Welly I thort as this was all pritty wel, hoof | e as Ss was pritty well, : 4 but he’acshally finished up by arsking me ‘* js.® pleasant whether I coudent write another wollum jest | like the other! for he was sure as any of their iT grate Publishers coud sell any quantity of | flog. the fish em! speshally if they thort it woud take the | me | k ’ shine out of the Englisher by saying it was| , T hitth a by Wasnivcnam! He then 5 me me | * °** alth Lae to another Amerryean, and asked him what| 4. hrink « |he thort of his plan? To which he replied B de ¢ ‘that he didn’t know much about publishing,| °“” ‘ ~* = but he was quite sure there was nothink in io ad ck — that or in any other matter in which an Amer- |, / ryean coud not lick all creation ! And then gy eae peg ry ach way re e they both went away larfing ! The dog smiles not as at a joke 7 r a b. AA] they had bin me of When harsh Brit Srxes will kick or strike it. oo” ing about I’m sure I can’t make out, the| — oo ae Undisturbed upon the staircase, more so as I ain’t heard a single word from | Th : Quite a rare case em since, and even thinks it werry possible | e Finding none as I never Others there, we sat so happy, lg Stra: Sent! I had . —~% wands But you, snappy, | dream ! I dremt as I was reelly in | [ES , UAZY 4 : Hpoilt the fun! mo pm and having a long conwersation | LINES BY A LAZY BODY with a ji can

pain hurts not the ‘* animal,” He’ll very soon become—a brute!

ve Publisher all about an Amer-| .[™. 57. oo py ms peer politician, a is When | thought I had a greater “Robert”! and jest as we was aranging an +e live to Wold be diene Ook ank dii- ‘ —s Ww ones be ,;S~ we pane = gently. Do not listen to thore who aspire to save And she blushed and smiled so sweetly, | all the money, [suddenly woke, and found ys money to rest. They are lazy bogies. ] You completely | myself a lying by the side of Mrs. Ronert! 'T!s the voice of the Lazy, I heard him com- Spoilt the fun ! _and about as much estonished as ewer I found All this nonagenarian nonsense [plain, myself in all my long life! Rosert. Won'tdo! Thismere love of longevity’s vain, Lastly I, in some secluded Although natural, doubtless, in one sense. Spot, concluded The secret of Age, St. Hrtarre may have told ; I had won, Grumpy. The secret of Youth can he give? Called her by her Christian name—and | gyeryuxeus at new customs We'd learn, not to live to be awfully old, Still you came and | He says * New Women” po Old Cats” - | . But how to keep young while we live! Spoilt the fun! | Society seam will be be all “ sharps.” ‘ ’| No, no, chatty nonagenarians! Loan us Living in “ flats.” — The gift of Aurora, not that of Tithonus.”

Tar Larest Prece or News (at the o| medy).— The New Woman and “The Old| Morro ror Mr. Hatt-Carve. ‘“The| ‘‘RatiowaL Dress FOR THE IRRATIONAL.” Women” are very much alike; ecpecially | pooper, study of mankind is (the Isle of) |—A penitential sheet, and a foolscap trimmed an!’ The New Woman. | Phrygian fashion.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — Sepremnen 8, 1894. OF ALL DEALERS. Martell’s KOTTLED IN Binwecn 2 a SAVORY and MOORE'S BEST FOOD ron INFANTS Tins, ls., 2s., Se., and 10s,, everywhere. And of os first- chems Cheavers tn the United Kingdom. “ Superior Vintage ‘tc + Som LONDON, EC... “ O, 1 9 Cunovs O1p Te finest WP eniease of DUBLIN WHISKY Over 50 jase ehaBli established reputation. london Office— 12, Joux Sraert, Apetrni. Sample bottle post free on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 8d. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., * ond 25, MART ST. RLOOMSBURY, WC. fold by ‘all Lkavine Mancusnrs throughout Is bls and the Coronirs. OPER FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. 'D' RIDC PATENT al ES. Medals; Paris, 1878: 1889. Of Highest Quality, and Having Greatest Durability, are Therefore i N Ss CHEAPEST. A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE, :/ TAMAR 1 Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and Intestinal Troubles, London: 47, Southwark Street, 8.E. SOLD BY ALL CUERMIBIS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. 6a. A BOX. =| cocoa INE. |... CHEMICAL ps etek DELICATE FO 0 D now with CHILDREN. ’ z atlas etre In Bottles, 28., 3s, 64., & 6a, each. needed energy with- = co exciting the system. and of LD in Pack irs aio Tins BY bickedi, Listcten : 8 Q U T R E & s 0 N 8, JAMES EPPS & co., Ltd. 9 Tler Majesty's Chemists, JOSEPH GILLOTT'S INDIEN | at EPPS’S (SQUIRE'S ee rsh 8 Hoth@opathic Chemists, London. | 413, OXFORD STREET, eT, LONDON. — s Muswmanneen Bold only in l-ounce Packets, and 2, 4. 8-ounce. and |-1b. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in fine smoking condition. Ask at all Tobacco Sellers’, Stores, &c., and take no other. SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED ACAINST IMITATIONS. The Genuine bears the Trade-Mark, “ Nottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER'S WAVY CUT CICARETTES, in Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 50, and 100. The following extract from the “ Review or Reviews,” Nov., 1900, is of interest to every Smoker: THE PIPE IX THE WORKHOUSE.—The picture drawn by our Meiper of pe poor old man m ine 01 pethog js et an empty pipe, hos toucned the henrts at some of ou from the H ips, and sighs hitiseif “ Old Screw.” says: “I have ton struck With yoni ae estion in the actower number of ve has 6 oe Kevinue for & seneme Lo supply emokers in Union Wor o Lem cenit, jubyes by the ordjnary standaras, | am the most seifish of morteis, as i aver bei gi er y called charity, but Unie seneme of appras at once Ww tHe thies inveterate smoker. Were [ in London, | would at once starta - box ivy. cantetbations for it on my y és round the Continent for the next nine mon 1] can, however, do a iittie, i the BEST BMOR INO TOMACKD, pa Sarg) 1 enciose, therefore, a cneque for the Senaree tates tt vote © contivute 9 pound of what LaY ‘BRANT CUT’ (this is Bot an acvertisement) THE GORDON HOTELS CO., have contracted with Messrs. J. SCHWEPPE & CO. (Lid.) Sor the entire supply of their Colebvated MINE-~ RAL WATERS (Seda Water, Porass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Waters at ex Autaemn) of th tract, and where ta they can be obtained if ape MAPPIN & WEBB’S TABLE KNIVES. KODAK These fan. ols hand or trip od whilst embodying the most ad anced id in camera construction, are th and most compact Photogra; meuts made. ually suitable for boy or ¢ Pps rp: Meret or photogray ¥rom 1 to 100 pictures can without recharge. Strongly recommended by trav: | all parts of the globe. Prices from £1: 6:0 to Zaa:iie Mlustrated Catalogue free on application Manufactured solely by EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd 11g-117 OXPORD ST., LONDON | PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. THE SMALL HINDOO PEN (JUNT OUT With ane point, in three grades o fit ordinary Peuhulder “The Hindoo Pen is inestimable Neve , (4, ond is, por Box, at all Stationers temple Hox of all kinds, la ld MACHIVEN & CAMERON, Waverley Works, EDINBURGH Fenmakers to. sles Majesty's Government Oiices ' For the past quarter of &@ centaur) there | obey one an. flow of etters } testimony to the truly wonderf: | cures tected by “ Clarke’s World fe mr | Blood Mixture,” the “finest Mood Purifier | that science and medica! ski!! have bore ught | = ” Wufferers from Berofu ryt icaema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Dies Pimple and Sores of any kind, are eo ve it a trial to teat ite value erywhere, at 2. 9d. per bottle. Beware worthlens imitations OF subetitutes ky ev Fre

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PUNCH, OR THE. LONDON CHARIVARL—Serremper 8, 1894 NICOLL. OUTFITTER. LADIES’ TAILOR TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. 114 To 120, REGENT STREET, & 22, CORNHILL, LONDON. | PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. 10, MOSLEY 8ST., MANCHESTER. 39, NEW ST., BIRMINGHAM. 50, BOLD S8T., LIVERPOOL THE LARGEST SELECTION OF MATERIALS IN LONDON. GENTLEMEN. LADIES. WINTER SUITINGS from £3 3s. CoaTINGSs, OvER- | Spketauite Ripixe Hasirs from £5 5s. | COATINGS, and TROUSERINGS of the best manufacture. | NICOLL'’s SareTy Habits render dragging NicoL.’s world-famed OVERCOATS; every de- | absolutely impossible. scription and size kept in stock, inclading the new NICOLL’s tailor-made Costumes for Autumn and Kactne Coat, from £2 2s travelling wear from £5 15s. 6d., in original designs. | Fur-LineD Overcoats from £8 18s. 6d. GoLr and TRAVELLING CAPEs in great variety. ‘farmer sr, GOLD PENS fr ; . Tl single Wicks, i om 4s. each COLT’S NEW nine hours each. In GOLD PENS UNITED STATES | boxes containing eight | THE ONLY PERFECT DIPPING PEN. IF you UGH Mee OLD, BENS wht hg GOLD AXD IRIDIUM POINTED. jor House Protection ofall ¢ c FRANKS & ©O.,, ®, Eastcmmar, » awn @ N.B No water for Military Pur , takes Wey 6 38 cal. Express ; GOLD PENS and all other ‘3 cal. Pistol Cartridges LLES, sean” COLT'S LICHTWINC MACAZINE RIFLES, CERAUDEL’S PASTI Target Irectice, are unsur Coughs, O Colds, Catarrh, Influenza, Hoarsen WARMER. | IMPROVES THE HANDWRITING. ave used all over the World. Price List free | Watens and all All with registered Pannikins. | 4 POSITIVE CURE FOR WRITER'S CRAMP. mis for the Ti am | Admirable in voice affections. Invaluatio te "1 J 7 absorption, These te no Punies of | OOO? eae TO SMOKERS. (37 Patil ts tht. Can be nnd of al all | SUITABLE FOR ANY HOLDER. LD PENS dor Lore and Small Game, Hook shooting, and THE GREAT HOUSEHOLD REMEDY FOR CLARKE'S * PYRAMID” | EVERLASTING IN WEA unequalled for rapidity of Bre. , | WURSERY-LAMP FOOD- | GOLD PENS COLT’S REVOLVERS ess, Loss of COLTS FIREARMS 00.. TRross, 5, 5, amd 6) each. GOLD PENS 26, Glamb lly Circus, ‘London, W. and Lung Troubles. B MUGHES @ 00 kers. —x directly, inhalation and GOLD PENS smo yoy a yangerous Material | GOLD PENS i | Chemists, or dir of price, from other Dangerous | Material | wank TO SUIT EVERY MAMD AND OTYLE. FLOR DE DINDICUL, Indian CiGalt, -” x Sherk, =o sosinn of Cevacoove +80 Pavce List ow arriication. of exquisite favour and aroma. “Connoisseurs | these Lights. MAKIE, ey « BARD, Ly of Gold nee them better than Mavannahs.”—Woaco, FASSETT & JOHNSON, CLAREE'S PYRAMID & PAIZY LIONT C0., Lea., | [one set , tren!) sae, Ww. SO Sustizee iistamps. bEWiat, | 32, Snow Hill, London CKICKLE WOOD, LONDON, N.W (e ECan st metabiiehed bass. @ @ 54, Strand, & ids, 4s, Cheapside, London. Est. 17#0 THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE BUT!! A NEW USE FOR AN OLD AND gw at | UNIVERSAL SANITARY REMEDY.| =e 6} LIKE A MAN. The Prompt Mother of Useful Giciciides NECESSITY; Its best use WISDOM!! “I have just received a letter from a friend (a Military Chaplain) in India, who relates the following anecdote. A police officer and some friends were out tiger shooting in the Juagle (at Bareilly, N.W.P.) with several elephants. One elephant was taken seriously ill, and they did not know what to give it or what to do with it. A young officer said Ae always took ENO'S ‘FRUIT SALT’ when he felt bad, and it always did him gond. ‘ Well,’ they said, ‘bave you gotany!’ ‘Yes. I have a new bottle.’ ‘Well, fetch it.” So the ENO'S ‘FRUIT SALT’ was brought, and after a consultation it was decided to give the elephant adose. So they emptied the whole bottle into a pail of water and stirred it up, and the elephant tossed it off like « man, and was soon after all right again. “I have myself derived great benefit from ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ and feeling sure the ab>ve will interest you,—I remain, Dear Sir, yours faithfully, JUNGLE.—BLackugaTH, July, 1894.” D®4Y¥ine AN OVERDRAFT ON THE BANK OF LIFE.—Excitement, feverish colds, chills, fevers, blood poisons, throat irritation, etc., late hours, fagged, unnatural excitement, breathing impure air, too rich food, alcoholic drink, gouty, rheumatic, ot other blood TOSSED IT OFF poisons, influenza, sleeplessness, biliousne: s, sick headache, skin eruptions, pimples on the face, want of appetite, sourness of stomach, etc. Use ENO’S “ FRUIT SALT.” It preve ts diarrhaa, and removes it in the early stages. It is pleasant, cowling, health-giving, seteuiing, and invig. rating. The value of ENO'S “FRUIT SALT” cannot be told. Its suecess in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, and Australia proves it. CAUTION,.—Examine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO’S ““FRUIT SALT.” [Without it you have been imposed on by a worthless and occasionally poisonous imitation. Sold by all Chemists. | Prepared only at ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON, 8.E., by J. C. ENO’S PATENT. A tinted by William Stuart Smith, of Xo Read, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the me County of Middlesex. at the Printing Offices of . Gesers. Bradbury, Agnew. yt Limitedy Lom dard Street,» Ube Pi ecsmet of Kicoataon, tn te Ciep a Lowman ene and published by him at No. 65, Fleet Street, in the Parish of st. kiide, City i Lone ga,—Sarvapat, September 6, 1804,

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‘Wondecre Om oq TIM Sle) emir sry OF ‘szeddurm, 20 ‘meson ‘od , SeIpPy Oe Teta TAA § ‘POMS! OG OSES CU UT Tm ‘UoTdyOsep Aus JO SeIMIO[Y 10 “SBUACICE ‘IONE Ped “SE weUeUm ‘suORNGERUOD JO sUCHECTUNUTMIOD pejefru—ZOLLON 28 we pedureis « {q permredurce

‘SONS3d S33NHL 30IUd ‘al RL BB\EA oe 9 ‘ ws —< Aa ‘ ye re aoe WHITEHALL ROOMS BURLINCTON HOTEL, EASTBOURNE. ROYAL PIER HOTEL, RYDE, |. W. HOTEL METROPOLE, MONTE CARLO. ARE HOTEL METROPOLE, CANNES. 2ST rH u u Se PE VOLS Rie “A ‘ i] - ix . 4 oo pe } t . . - { : ' ii VOLUME LONDON. F RY'S CONCENTRATED COCOA

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, THE CORDON HOTELS } pricHTon.

CRAND HOTEL, LONDON. HOTEL VICTORIA, LONDON. FIRST AVENUE HOTEL, LONDON. CLIFTOWVILLE HOTEL, MARCATE. HOTEL METROPOLE CLARENCE ROOMS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARI —Serrempgr 15, (1894. ai THE GORDON HOTELS C6 CO., Ls lia., ee have contracted with Mesars. J. SCHWEPPE & CO. (Ltd.) Sor the entire supply of MINE- their Celebrated | RAL WATERS | (Seda Water, Potass, S«/teer, Lemonade, s éc.) at all their FOR BREAKFAST. | coinnut, KO DAK AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. These fa us ha nd or at od cameras, whilst embodying the n aan vanced ideas camera construction, are the simplest and most « ompac t Photographic instru- AILY ONSUMPTION ONS. ments made ’ Mgually suitable for boy or girl, novice =F SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. in photography, or photographic expert. which will also by | supplied exclusively with SCHWEPPES | Waters at expiration (neat | Autumn) of a present com | | | tract, and where in the meantimg From 1 to too pictures can be made without recharge Strongly recommended by travellers ia all parts of the globe r Kos R ? Prices trom £1: 6:0 to £22: 1:0. ro: eo ieee TURKISH PASTILS ton cvansonmensiesce) | f MAPPIN & WEBB'S E ASTMAN Sal Afr omshing gwmectarmate Pot Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., \at "one fa Par eat Fes Tinos | SPOONS & FORKS 118-117 OXFORD ST., LONDON. \ Ladies who admire e* Breath of Flowers A \ should take a Past night and morning PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. Sd , BREAKFAST OR — ; AMUEL BROTHERS. EP PS” size S SCHOOL OUTFITS. CRATEFUL— COMFORTING. PAC 4 HA M’ S Messrs. SAMUSL v HROTHERS COCOA SERABSETS oro vou waren ow ee |TABLE WATERS) ™u'tc'went"” | git SeEoe : , Paulie or Private Cal DISTILLED WATER. | COLDSMITHS' COMPANY, . eee AMO PERFUMERS, IN mw a oe | Show Rooms : 112, RECENT ST., W. clowead tention, so KROTHERS, with the ELECANT CRY Aosorxime Bre Sonnet eric Courant.) it that th i ST REAL CCRMaAy ont Department of thelr TOILET CASKET ; business has attained PRICE 2/6, Aare can | DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. — Paes € —— MEVER | For ACIDITY or rue STOMACH, HEARTBUKN, BUMETIEW = Suosiery, Moots, Ac, ae HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. N\ fully met, and durable Warranted Perfect GRINDING. Bold throughout the World i, «qualities ensured. Of all Perfumers Ny usoaie, 5/6, mh h, 7/6, "ene Deniers | TO SMOKERS. “ Brom.” 9 ge (Jacket and Vest.) a i/* ing Tild a medium mild eek oo ole ap Guide a . “How te FLOR DE DINDICUL, me NAN CIGAR, Tousers, 8/- N VAR Open a C Witore.”” ‘Tobacco. | of exquisite a eax poeng SAMUEL BROTHERS, a -4 2 %, Euston Kd , I dn ronounc =~ 4, better Mt, av anes s."— sap Fitters and Show’ Case | Yee. 8, ii. Nones of 100, 22s. and 200. (two sizes)’ Mancuaxr Tattons, Ovrrirrens, &c., Males + for all Trades. Estimates Samples 4a nd 5), 1s , post fre ce |2 stamps BEWLAY, 65 & 67, LUDCATE HI LONDON, EC. ROBARE S AUREOLINE _fee Mgr.,Hy.Micns. Est 1906. | @ & 74, Strand, a) 144, Cheapside, lon don. Rat. 1708. Est. 1780. Workshops : Pilgrim p Ludgate Hill ; and 46, Gray's Inn Road. aby Porteme me nes “yeaa thscnghent be Fo E = 33 Se U LL | PURE CUMBERLAND LEAD ADAPTED FOR THE | JEWSBURY & mE re! G A R ETT ES. ene “xk 4 THE CHOICEST CIGARETTES THAT EXPERIENCE vez, MORDAN & CO., S7ane CAN PRODUCE OR MONEY BUY. | 4 sone Circiea Manufactured by KINNEY BROS., New York, U.S.A. (GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. iewssury | te. SOLD EVERYWHERE. | hnpartea to Sele st ant eo by using RINE as told cnly by by W. WINT 472, Ox S&t., Leadon, oecwe. In Packets of 20 and Boxes of 5) and 100. Trice be. ns Sa ain td or faded Coldimith, Jewellov. ey oe ONDON | "s re Sn gold. Fifty dafferowk varvelies £1.1.0° Tue Srontinc Sarety Pin im diamonds. fom 3 40£5.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 121 A — venue and Metr Opel Totels, | ch will also ty ed €xcluain i ICHWE. PPE rxpiration (next aN S a AN ( KS = \ \ \ r ‘ N & SA SS ave for very engaged the tion of B, with tee this im port- nent of their as attained dimensions ; a Bw ( ots, ac, is und 4 ured. tNS AND f free os 2S, \ hing tte wr OF VITAL IMPORTANCE. ve Hill ; “Hi, Buu! '£ae’s Caear Groves!” | From Toptapy to Tennyson, all those EAD ALL MY EYE! | Who prove sweet Poesy’s false phonetic fose. Os, Rurus amp Rzasos. age Oe Row1tayp Hitt must = ar ICIL (By Baron Grimbosh. ) In Kestx, Heer, Newman, are contaigned . ; False rhymes the most atrocious upon earth, SINCE first the Muse to melody gave birth, Which might move Momus to derisive : And with rhyme’s chymings blest a happy mearth. (root, eg irth, Of Rhyme’s true laws I’m getting to the pox.} ) Poetic seekers of a “ perfect rhyme ” And a New Poetry will be the froot, _[fair, ae / Have missed the bull’s-eye almost every The Muse. now by the few acknowledged _ thyme. ‘ s Shall then be tn welcomed everywhair, 1AIR. We want a brand-new Versifiers’ Guide, And not, as now, in one loud howl sonorous, rie a And he who Pegasus neatly ruide, As “‘footle” banned by Commonsense in j Must shun ’ beaten highways, read no chorous. orise, or faded _ oymn, — Then a verse-scorning world, in pleased sur- | ‘ Nor by phonetic laws his stanzas trymn. Will to Parnassus lift delighted ise ; _ The eye’s the Muse's judge, and by the eye And from St. Albans to the Arctic Pole, Parnassian Prrmays must the poet treye. The “lyric ery” (in Grimbosh rhymes) shall Khyme to the ear is wrong; at any rate, role. } Khyme that greets not the eye cannot be The people then not hymns alone shall praise, And if you wish to make it rhyme with bosh, What easier than writing as ** wosh”’ ?) If Tennyson were all rewritten ‘hus, His verse indeed would be de-li-ci-us ; And Isaac Prrmay’s spelling would add lots Of charm to the works of Isaac Worrts, There ! Grimbos sets the world right once n! May lesser poets mark! A-main!! A-main!!! LITERARY INTELLIGENCE, Scenz—A Sea-side Library. Visitor (wearily, after a series of inquiries and disappointments), What | ont fe a recent novel, I haven’t read The Vermilion Gillyflower yet. It’s been out six months or more, Surely you've got that? Shop Att nt, I don’t fancy it’s in our octalegas. I don’t remember hearing of it. (Brigh ly.) We've got Ivanhoe. Visttor ” \gnorins the suggestion), Well, then, I id do with Cowan Doy e's last, or Stantey WEYMAN’S, Shop Attendant, Stancey, did you say ’ Oh yes, we’ve ordered the Life of Dean Stanley, but it hasn't come yet. __ Visitor (gloomily). I don’t want anybody's life. I want—let’s see—A (entleman of France, Shop Attendant, A Gentleman of France’ I don’t recollect the title. But (cheerfully) we've John Halifax, Gentleman, if that '|) do as well. S Visitor (groaning). Oh no, it won't! How about So-so, by Sowees, you know? Or | hear Mrs, Ciirvorp’s latest is worth reading. Or Bess of the Curvybills, by Harpy. That’s been out a couple of years at least. (Hopefully.) Oh, I’m sure that’s got to you. Shop Attendant (floored). Would you Took through the ves for yourself, if you power You'll find something to suit you, | snow. There’sone or two of Dickens's, and Middlemarch—now, that’s a rather recent work, Or The Channings. We've had The Channings bound again, and it’s a grea/ favourite. [ Fits off gir who desires a penny time-table and a halfpennyworth of writing-paper. uite relieved at the entrance of a The Plague of Poets. (By a Rabid Reviewer.) Wauar’s this the log-rollers are gushing about ? 2 in Jack CrawrorD, the Poet Scout!” Oh, er the Bards! How the rhyme- grinders go it! My fature rule shall be ‘‘ scout the poet !”’ **Mures anp Liquips.’’—Some clever de- tectives, of the Birmingham Police Force— not by any means Brummagem detectives disguised themselves as ‘‘ Mourners’ Mutes”’ and such like black s of hearses, and, after a re-hearsal of their several parts, they went to a tavern for drink—grief, profes- sionally or otherwise, being thirsty work and managed to discover that this public- house was only a privately conducted betting - house, being, like themselves, in disguise. ‘The result has yet to be ascertained, but so far it has proved a most successful ‘* undertaking.”’ ** Cheer Boys, Cheer !"’ Coming *+ for the Goon Nzws. — “ There’s a Good Time « ' grate, But the sweet secular singer’s luscious laise, | evergreen veteran, Mr. Henny Kvssvit, is \ And though by long wrong usage sanctified, Phonetic laws to wish to change at once ~ preparing his reminiscences for publica- It may not i my new Poetic Gied. Must prove a man a duffer and a donce, tion.’ . Punch \ooks forward with These new Khyme-Rules let bardlings get by The laws of spelling are less fatal foze. a to perusing them, and wishes that _ heart, (You can does” as cither “duz” or | Huwny’s cngeaial collaborator, CHARLES For from the New Parnassus must depeart, ** doze,” Mackay, were yet living to share the treat. VoL. CVI, M

Page 168

[Seprempen 15, 1894.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE SEA-FAIRIES; OR, ULYSSES-PUNCHIUS AND THE MODERN SIRENS. (A long w ty after the late Laureate.)

Yas ” er ~— ee Y. SS eee —_—~ “2 ™ — Y 4 eee aN (. Des Wim aa 4 a = UN | fh ) il KX . Thy ) SEA >t SS UP “ish — Kf \ CUndavere Meat ye os y j Lei it! (fl y rz sti 2952) 5)52 <5) 1) j eed ?, LD ZEN a

} I}, Y, zzz <= 1 “al "hj rik , : Mra if —= ona, nee ee J = - | Stow strolled the weary Pvwcurva, and saw, | I love not, I, these new, neurotic novels, But Beauty never hurt me / ae See | Betwixt the white ef and the whiter foam, In which the sy New Woman soars - and | See how the long-tressed charmers and I'll go and risk a chat with them, I reckon!” Sweet faces, rounded arms, and bosoms prest grov' To little oS pa of gold, And Pvycarvs | Emancipated females are noé sirens! — There's re in the peril that environs And while Punch mused, bai “Lo! fashioned wi , They whisperi: , | To light upon these sirens; and their song = A prett Baglich wailen at bor stitchery, Per ai ed oy me - | I fear not, though I’m as Ul Cen eathall Eeeemelll, dhven, or eon-teies, F _ . Nordol thei kines, Alike have charms for me. Yet I'll be wary, “ Whither away, whither away, whither | (Seeing that far away PengLore-Jupr * Maidens mit nodings ’—or but little—‘ on, away? Flynomore! — Abides.) Oh! hang this maudlin muck from As Bezrrmayn hints, are dangers Whither away the ht white cliff and Mvpre! For weak wayfaring strangers. the sandy siren- ted shore ? en

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| Serreuper 15, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 123 Back to town—which is horrible now—or to| politics—the beastliest bore ? Day and night do the printers’-devils call ? | Day and a stump-orators how] and | Bless ‘em—and let "om be! Out from the city of singular sights, and smells, Come to ae saffron sands and these silvery she Far from the niggers, and nursemaids, and owling swells, Here by the high-toned sea : ( hither, come hither, and furl your sails! Come hither to me, and to me, Hither, come hither, and frolic and play, (Of course, in a highly-respectable middle- aged way). Good company + hg you do not object to our— 8. And the least little tiny suspicion of silver We will sing to you lyri e will sing to you lyrics gay, Such as Locker, or Austin Dosson, or Lane might pen. Oh, we — society-singers, and now and then, When old Father Nep’s in the sulks, or 0 tired of the ‘2 Is” of r we’re ti 0! e “‘merry carols” o rollicking (As young ALFRED son said When inst os wemy bit ‘off his (poetical) We study another than Davy Jones's Locker, And read Be Society Novel or Shilling ocker ! Oh, spangles are sparkling in bight and bay! Come — Gentleman, give us a A Weare ner re as you may under- and, And fair, and frolic, fan-loving, and blame- essly free. Hither, come hither, and see!” And Pcncarvus, waggishly winking a wary eye, Cried, ‘‘ Coming, d nautical darlings !—at least, I'll try. Middle-aged ? I’m as young as a masher of five-and-twenty ! I love pretty girls, honest fun, and the fur niente. I’m ‘a young man,’ but not ‘from the ‘ country,’ as you will find, And if you are game for flirtation, well, J don’t mind ! And he stepped him down, and he sat by the sounding shore, And chatted, and flirted, and laughed with the sirens four ; And he sang, as young Tennyson might have, _ or Untanp, the German, This song of the Modern Merman !— “Who would not be had at by thes nd sit e sea, With mermaids free, And sweet converse hold With nice nautical girls, And toy with their curls, And watch the gleam Of their glist pearls, ter, ter her And whisks her—narrative. (Pink skin or scale, Charms are all comparative !) Oh what a happy life were mine With Beauty though caudate) beside the With four sea-fairies beside the sea Punch can live merrily, merrily !” ) _ CONFRERES. Master Jacky (who took part in some school theatricals last term,--suddenly, to eminent Tragedian who has come to call), “1 say, you kwow—ZJ act!” a¢F | ] | | i}! | | | | | And the Mermaids pinched the Punchian cheek (For his Caudal lecture) and made him squeak. And he cried ** Revenge!” (like Trworuevs, Miss) And a sweet revenge for a nip is a kiss, And around the rock siren laughter rang And that bevy of sweet sca-fairies sang :— “*O the laugh-ripple breaks on the breaking ave, And sweet are its echoes from cove and cave, And sweet shall your welcome be, You dear old Cove, Whom all she-things love, 0 hither, come hither be our lord, For merry mischiefs are we ! We kiss sweet kiss, and we speak sweet word: O listen, listen, your eyes shall glisten. (’Tis better than being by B-nri-ys bored!) Business? 0 fiddle-de-dee ! !! With pleasure and love make jubilee. Leucosia, Ligea, Parthenope Will load your briar and brew your tea. And we keep rare stingo down under the sea, For we tithe earth’s commerce, all duty-free ! Where will you light on a happier shore. Or gayer companions or richer store, All the world o’er, all the world o’er ’ Whither away? listen and stay! To Judy and Parliament fly no more !”’ And sick of St. Stephen's, in holiday mood, The Modern Ulysses half wishes he could !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — [Sepremper 15, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XL—TIME AND THE HOUR. Scene XI1X.— The Dining Hail, Spurrell (to himself, uncomfortably conscious of the expectant Tnomas in his rear). Must write something to this beggar, I suppose ; it ll keep him quiet. (Zo Mrs. Brooxe-Cuatreris.) I—I just want to write a line or two. Could you oblige me with a lead- encil ” Mrs. Chatteris, You are really going to write! At a dinner- party, of all places! Now how delightfully original and uncon- ventional of you! I promise not to interrupt till the inspiration is over. Only, really, I’m afraid I don’t carry lead-pencils about with me—so bad for one’s frocks, you know ! Thomas (in his ear). 1 can lend you a pencil, Sir, if you require one. He provides him with a very minute stump, Spurr. (reading what he has written on the back of Unper- | «went’s missive). ** Will be in | my room (Verney Chamber) as | soon after ten as possible. “J. SpuRRELL.” vaper to THomas, sapuipebionain’ ere, take him that. [THomas retires. Archie (to himself). The calm cheek of these writin’ chaps! I saw him takin’ notes under the table! Lady Ruopa ought to know the sort of fellow he is— and she shall! (Zo Lady Rnopa in an aggrieved undertone.) i should advise you to be jolly careful what you say to your other neighbour; he’s takin’ it all down. I just caught him writin’. He’ll be bringing cut a satire, or whatever he calls it, on us all by-and-by—you see if he won't! Lady Rhoda, What ill- natured boy you are! Just because Ae can write, and you can't, And I don’t believe he’s doin’ anythin’ of the sort. I’ll ask him—J don’t care! (Aloud, to Srvrnent.) I say, I know I’m awfully inquisitive — but I do want to know so—you’ve just been writin’ notes or somethin’, haven't you? Mr. Beaxrarx | declares you're goin’ to take them all off here — you’re not really, are you ? Spurr. (to himself). That sulky young chap has spotted it! (d/oud, stammering, 1—take everything off? Here! I—I assure you I should never even think of doing anything so indelicate ! Lady Rhoda, | was sure that was what you’d say! | But still (with reviring uneasiness), I suppose you have made use of things that happened just to fit your purpose, haven’t you ? Spurr. (penttently). An I can say is, that—if I have—you won't catch me doing it again! And other people’s things don’t fit. I’d | much rather have my own. Lady Rhoda (reheved), Of course! But I’m glad you told me. To Ancnin, in an undertone.) I asked him—and, as usual, you | were utterly wrong. So you’ll please not to be a Pig! Archie ( jealously). And you’re goin’ to go on talkin’ to him all through dinner? Pleasant for me—when I took you down ! Lady Rhoda. You want to be taken down yourself, I think. And I mean to talk to him if I choose. You can talk to Lady Cotverin— | he likes boys! (Zwrning to Spuremut.) I was goin’ to ask you— | ought a schi pperke to have meat? Mine won't touch puppy biscuits. | SPURRELL enlightens her on this point ; ARCHIE glowers. He passes the an Lady Cantire ( perceiving that the Bishop is showing signs of | reastirenets | ready to listen to what the other side has to say ! The Bishop (who has been “ heckled” to the verge of his endur- -_—_—- I shail be—ah—all .mpatience, Lady Cantire.” Well, Bishop, I wish I could find you a little more | yours, ance). I am—ah—not conscious of any unreadiness to enter into con- versation with the very estimable lady on my other side, should an opportunity present itself. Lady Cant. Now, that’s one of your quibbles, Dr. Ropwer, and I detest quibbling! But at least it shows you haven’t a leg to stand upon. The Bishop. Precisely—nor to—ah—run away upon, dear Lady, I am wholly at your mercy, you perceive ! Lady Cant. (triumphantly), Then you admit you’re beaten? Oh, I don’t despair of you yet, Bishop ! The Bishop. I confess I am less sanguine. (Zu himse/f.) Shall I have strength to bear these buffets with any remains of Christian forbearance through three more courses’ Ha, thank Heaven, the salad ! [ He cheers up at the sight of this olive-branch, Mrs. Earwaker (to Prtitryer). Now, I don’t altogether approve of the New Woman myself; but still, I am glad to see how women are beginning to assert them- selves and come to the front ; wey | you sympathise with all that r Pilliner (plaintively). No, really I can’t, you know! I’d so mue rather they wouldn’t. They ’ve made us poor men feel positively obsolete! They’ll snub us out of existence soon—our sex will be extinct — and then they’ll be sorry. There ll be 7 | to protect them from one another! After all, we can’t help being what we are. It isn't my fault that I was born a Man Thing— now, #s it? Lady Cant. (overhearing this remark). Well, if it is a fault, - Mr, Prrirver, we must all ac- = knowledge that you’ve done everything in your power to cor- rect it! Pill. (sweetly). How nice and encouraging you, dear Lady CantTrRE, to take up the cudgels for me like that! [The Countess privately relieves her P ronan y by expressing « preference for taking up a birch rod, and renews her attack on the Bishop. Mr. Shorthorn (who has been dragging his mental depths for a fresh topic — hopefully, to Miss SpetwaNe), By the bye, I haven’t asked you what you_ thought about these — er — Revolting Daughters ? Miss Spelwane. No, you haven’t; and 1 thought it so considerate of you. (Mr. SHorTHORN gires up drag- ing, in discouragement, Pill, (sotto roce, to Miss Srrt- WANE). Have you quite done sitting on that poor unfortunate man? J heard you! Miss Spelw. (in the same tone). I’m afraid I have been rather beastly to him. But, oh, he is such a bore—he would talk about his horrid “silos” till I asked him whether they were easy totame. After that, the subject dropped- somehow. Pill, 1 see you’ve been punisking him for not happening to be a distinguished Poet. I thought Ae was to have been the fortunate man ? Miss Spelw. So he was; but they changed it all at the Jast mo- ment; it really was rather provoking. I could have talked to him. Pill, Lady Ruopa appears to be consoling him. Poor dear Ancutr’s face is quite a study. But really I don’t see that his poetry is so very wonderful ; no more did you this morning ! ; Miss Spelw. Because you deliberately picked out the worst bits, | and read them as badly as you could! | Pill. Ah, well, he’s here to read them for himself now. I daresay he ’d be delighted to be asked. Miss Spel. Do you know, Bertie, that’s rather a good idea of I'll ask him to read us something to-night. | Pill. (aghast). To-night! With all these people here? I say, | they 'Il never s‘and it, you know. [Lady Cutveain gires the signal. ayn ee cs ailith i) 4

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SerremBer 15, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 125 —_—~ Miss Spelw. (as she rises). They ought to feel it an immense privilege. I know J shall. ; ie The Bishop (to himself, as he rises). Port in sight—at last! But, oh, what I have had to suffer! Lady Cant. (at parting). Well, we’ve had quite one of our old discussions, always enjoy talking to you, Bishop. But I haven’t et got at your reasons for voting as you did on the Parish Councils Bill : we must go into that upstairs. The Bishop (with Ney * I shall be—ah—all impatience, Lady CANTIRE. (To himself.) I fervently trust that a repetition of this experience may yet be me! Lady Rhoda (as she leaves SpunRxet1). You will tell me the name Archie (to himself). 1'd like to tar hi him too, for cuttin’ me out like this! (Zhe men sit down ; SpuRRELi finds himself between Ancure and Captain Tuicknessr, at the further end of the table; ARCHIE ses the wine to SPURRELL with | a scowl.) What are you drinkin’? Claret? What do you do your | writin’ on, now, as a ing ? Spurr. (on the defensire). On paper, Sir, when I’ve any to do. Do | you do yours on a slate ? Captain Thicknesse, I say, that’s rather good. Had you there, BeEARPARK ! Spurr. (to Ancuig, lowering his voice). Look here, I see you’re trying to put a re in my wheel. You saw me writing at dinner, | and went and told that young lady I was going to take ev ing | off there and then, which you must have known I wasn't likely to do. Now, Sir, it’s no business of yours that I can see; but, as you | seem to be interested, I may tell you that I shal) do it in my own knew I was right. about usall! He’s goin’ he may find a little surprise when he — ; of the stuff upstairs, won’t ? So oy lng ta! i shila lena! wonder if he knows anything t very much, and feather room, as soon as I leave this table, and there will be no fuss or publicity about it whatever. er. I you're satisfied now * Archie. Oh, I’m sa (He rises.) Left my cigarette case upstairs horrid bore—must go and get it. ing some round in another minute. (To himself, as he leaves the hall.) | under is meaning to scribble some rot t up to his room to do it.... Well, ; u there! Capt. Thick. (to himself), Mustn’t let this poet fellow think I'm d y, after these’s nothing serious between ther ot that it matters to me; anyway, I may as well talk to him. | , in’. [{ He discovers tha! SPURRELL is not unacquainted with this branch of knowledge. Scene XX. Capt. Thick, They 'll be Archie, Prefer my own. A Corridor wn) Ay the Housekeeper’s Room, Time—9.30 P.M, Undershell (to himself). Uf 1 wasn’t absolutely compelled by sheer hunger, I would not touch a morsel in this house, But I can't get my things back till after ten. When I do, I will insist on a convey ance to the nearest inn. In the meantime I must sup. After all, no one need know of this humiliating adventure. And if I am com yelled to consort with these pampered menials, I think I shall know ow to preserve my dignity—even while adapting myself to their level. And that girl will be there—a distinctly redeeming fact in the situation. I will be easy and even affable; I will lay i e all foolish | pride; it would be unreasonable to visit their employer's snobbery | This must be th upon them. I hear conversation inside this room. [ He enters door, I—I suppose I had better go in. FOLLOWING FOOTSTEPS. | (Fragment from a Romance founded on Reality.) | He had become famous. Or perhaps that was scarcely the word-— notorious would have been better. At any rate his name had appeared in the papers. For nine days everyone talked about him. It was during those nine days that he was wanted. No, not by the myrmidons of thelaw. He escaped | them. His plea of innocent had been | accepted. So far as Scotland Yard was concerned he was safe. Quite safe. But was he safe from ‘‘ that other” ? | Ah, was the point. With the| instinct of desperation he took himself | off. He hurried away. He went by an | excursion train—one that stopped at all the stations and was called a “ fast train | to this ” and “‘ that :” but | - never referred to in connection with its destination—and arrived in due time at a cockney watering He was followed! As sure as fate, came the follower! to hunt him down! Ready to take him! He rapidly repacked his bag. He hurriedly left for the station. Once again he was flying away. | Now he had chosen a porepenons oltr The place was teeming with population. Surely he would be in this giddy throng? No. He) was followed! On came the pursuer! y to take him Again and again the same thing . iy Continent, his pursuer was after him. he travel to Scotland, he was met in the Hi by the same fatal presence. ht against destiny an ager, Assisted by those | . popular paper—which had high yaltered its character, | ng from an authority on scientific research into a chea sporting weekly—he reached the Antarctic Circle. He heard | owing He tried to hide himself behind the South Pole. | But it was of no avail, At length he was discovered! They stood face to face, both wearing skates. “ What do you want ith me?” ‘“ You were accused of murder, but was innocent.” P "a Yes,” he returned, with an ugly frown. ‘‘ I was innocent ‘hat | ime.” | You are an soseouting . I have followed you all this way | bree haps deren ieriey Fee cawalhing-tck,| 0 you ’ eri . ing a sword walking-stick, | and holding the blade dagger-wise. : a : | “ ne her Yes I do,” shouted the pursuer, producing a note-book. now tell me who were your fat’ mother ?” There was a short, decisive struggle, and then all was over. “If there is ever an inquest in this distant spot,” said the conqueror, *‘ the jury will bring it in justifiable homicide.” And no doubt he was right in his conjecture. True rok tHe New Ieisn Farcicat Comepy.—TZhe Two (or more) Shamrocks; or, A Little Cheque ! ¢ him! b Did he go to the| | travellers with impedimenta are THE INCONVENIENCED TRAVELLER’S PHRASE-BOOK. (To be Translated into every Language.) Aw Incrpent sy Rours, Way, although I telegraphed for rooms, am | told at threw in the morning that there is no ave d threaten ith the police-station f testi y do you me wi . ion for protesting ’ Why do you take me by the throat and drag me cag vam am offering no resistance ? y do you put me in a cell when I had ordered an a ntly now occupied bed-chamber at the hotel ? y do you refase me a mattress, and take away the plank bedstead with which this dungeon is solely furnished ? Why may I not see a solicitor ? : Why oa refuse to send for the British Consul 4, hen I t zee 7 my cousin’s maiden aunt is /7¥ t more can I do to prove my ectabilitywhen I have shown you my certificate of birth, my commission in the Militia, my banker's pass-book, my diploma as an utter-barrister, several framed and illuminated addresses a Ww engaged to a reakfast Why do you insist upon my making a nauseous meal on stale bread “hy should You refuse me peng ak, and paper ? uld you refuse me x pa Why should I not write to the Editor of the Times ? Wh you take away my watch, and ganed amidst drunkards, forgers, and bu ars Why should you not believe me when Tou you that it is a | mistake when you fancy I have come to sketch the outworks of the frontier fortress ? Why should you not crcdit my assertion that I onl procured a tter accommodation for me than this of congratulation, and my | port ? pWh 4 a I have offered to pay for it, can I not have a decent | | put me in a practising- | j circular ticket because I wanted to see foreign parts and taste forcign CO thing about ‘* misapprehension,” and bundle me out without an apology ? ne Ronwer Nowance.—"T. L.,” writing to The Times about the nuisance of ‘“‘ cab-runners” in the London streets, says, ‘* a stream that cannot be dammed can be turned,” But this stream of ‘‘ cab-runners” is being daily and hourly so treated, of course only wokery ? Why, after all this worry and anxiety, should you mumble some- | by male occupants of cabs carrying luggage, and the runners take | nothing but “ damnum et injurtam™ for their pains. But when the ladies or ladies’ maids, and nurse with children, then evidently this objectionable stream cannot be “dammed” unless the butler or a stalwart footman be at home to receive Mesdames les royageuses, ought to have Anam handy. In these caves, Eve travelling

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Serremper 15, 1894. ye Jaze The Throat Doctor. Little Brown, “ Maiuv Sxones—ir you 1ixs!/” | p tr (exon 7 Z er as il 3 VST i Ws aN — iN _ Wp A oat aie WHAT BROWN HAS TO PUT UP WITH. AND DOES YOUR LITTLE Boy Ever Syors, Mrs. Brown?” Mrs. Brown, “1 vost raivyk 80, H& ALWAYS SLEEPS IN OUR RooM, AND WE'VE NEVER NOTICED IT!” WIGS ON THE GREEN; THE Farexps oy Unirep IRELAND, Atn—*' Zaniscorthy.” You may travel over Europe till your heart and foot-soles ache, You may meet wid many a warrior, but don’t make a mistake, The wondher of the wurruld, and of pathriots wide-awake, Is the Parthy that is *‘ led” b r McCarrTHy. The way they “‘ pull together” fills a man wid shame and dread ; They ’re all in love wid Erin swate—or lasteways so 'tis said— And the way each proves his ion is b — *tother’s head, ’Tis that that plays the mischief wid McCarrur. Chorus. For Ditiow goes for Heary’s chump, And at O'Baren aims a thump, And Reponp hits all round with anger heartby ; And the sticks they all f° whacking, And the skulls, faith, they are -— When Justin tries to lead the Oirish Parthy ! When they got “a little cheque” or two a d te row arose, Tow Heaty dashed at * Honest Jony” and fought him to a close, | And Repwonp showed designs upon O' Buren’s classic nose, | It was that which riz the dander of McCanrrny. | They hustled round poor Erin so they nearly knocked her down, | She barely dodged a cudgel that was aimed at D1iLLon’s crown, “* And och!” she sighed, ‘if this is lore a colleen well may frown On the wooing of a crack-brained Oirish Parthy.” Chorus.—For Ditties went for Heaty’s chump, &c. Or They were all fast “ friends” of Erin, they 'd declared so o'er and 0 er, But Heaty scorned O’Baren, and deemed Honest Jomn a bore ; While Repmonp called them liars all, and sycophants, and swore He wouldn't hold a candle to McCarruy. There wasn’t much to foight about save mutual hate and spleen, And yet such a shillelagh-foight at Donnybrook ne'er was seen ; Black oies, red noses! Faith it looked as though they’d strew the Green Wid the fragments of the ‘‘ Chief” they called McCarry. Chorus.—For Ditton went for Heaty’s nose, &c. | And all their inimies looked on, and laughed as they would doie ; And every friend of Erin wi a tear from sorrow’'s oie ; Seying “* If such friends of Unity why ever don’t they trroy | To show a firm united Oirish Parthy ?” | Sighed Erin ** Would to Providence this faction-fuight were done ! | It breaks the hearts of pathriots, to my foes ’tis purest fun, ; | Why can’t they sthop these parthy-sphlits and merge them into One ? | That’s all that now is needed,—ax McCartar!” Chorus, Bat Ditton goes for Heaty’s chump, He at O'Brien aims a thump, And Repmonp hits all round with anger hearthy ; And the sticks they still go whacking, IN MEMORIAM. LOUIS PHILIPPE ALBERT D’ORLEANS, COMTE DE PARIS. Diep at Stowe Hovse, Buckixcuamsuire, Serr. 8, 1894, A Royal exile, and our Eagpate guest, Let English church-bells chime him to bis rest, Whilst English hearts respectfully condole With a devoted wife's sore-sorrowing soul. Not as the heir of a too shadowy crown, Who knew long exile’s ache, and fortune’s frown, Bat as a friend who long with us did dwell, And a brave man who bore fierce suffering well, We grieve for him, and bow as sounds his passing bell. A Svuccestep Appenpum.—In the course of a sharply-written article in this month’s Zhe Theatre Magazine (under the editorship of Freperick Hawe«rns), Mr. Clement Scort, while indignantly repelling the charge of venality brought against French dramatic erities by their compatriot M. ALEXANDRE Dumas, observes, referring to English authors, “‘ We have our Dumaszs on this side of the Channel.” Undeniably. And, we may add, ‘* Would they were Dumb-asses! ”’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Serrewuen 15, 1894.) pe Ti 7 YH fr “WIGS ON THE GREEN!” THE FRIENDS OF UNITED,IRELAND ().

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| Seereunen 15, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 129 OUR NATIONAL DEFENCES. (By Mr. Punch’s Own Veteran Expert. ) It was a happy thought of the respected Editor of this paper (if | may be permitted so to say) to commission me to undertake a thorough inspection of the guns at the Admiralty Pier, Dover. Since war has broken out between China may happen next, and it seems to me that a plain statement of our preparedness wi'l have a reassuring effect. So without further preface I will relate my adven- tures, taking care, however, to give no information that can be serviceable to the enemy. but frankly confess that not nearly so much of a warrior as my companion. We had a pass for two, and it was under- stood that nothing should be done through indiscretion that might | endanger the safety of the country. So if my Lessrigticn | is not what the dramatic critics | of the nearly newest school term ** convincing,”’ the omission is the rain the wind and the spray, | put in an appearance at the end of the Admiralty Pier. There) was a sort of boat-house on our | right, which seemingly contained clothing for those who intended | ‘You had better put on canvas, | : ==> Gir,” said the custodian; ‘‘ the | engineers are about, and it is rather dirty down below.” _ My com on was soon suited with a pair of overalls and a| jumper. would have been fitted as sae if the date of the| adornment had been oe ge by twenty years or so. As it was, my weight rather interf with the measurement. From the size | of the canvas clothing in stock, 1 am afraid our army must be a| —_ one. Be this as it may, I had to wear “36,” when “44” would have been nearer the mark. The result was that | walked | with difficulty, and found I could not cough. So I was rather glad | that there was no chance of meeting the fairer sex, as I was quite | sure that I was not looking my best. And I say this although I was | tied together with bits of rope, and did wear an old jockey cap. “* We will go and see the powder magazine first,” said our guide, flourishing what seemed to me to be a cheap kind of teaput, with a | light at the end of it. “It is so many feet below the level of the sea | at low water.” I carefully refrain from giving the number of feet—first, because I will disclose no confidences, and, secondly, because I have forgotten it. So down we went into the depths ot the earth. The hole was | about as big as a kitchen chimney, and had cn one side of it a| number of iron bars, oes a ladder. Our guide went first, then | my companion, then I myself. I shall never forget the experience. | I have often heard of the treadmill, and this seemed a revised | edition of the punishment. Each bar hurt my feet, and each foot of | escent increased my temperature. I went very slowly—it was im- | possible to go fast in overalls ‘‘ 36.” When I had descended what | appeared to me to be a mile or so, I came to a full . I was! standing in a sort of empty store-cupboard—the kind of place where car ives stack boxes unused perambulators. “This is the magazine,” said our conductor, waving his illumi- nated tea-pot about, so that we might see the place to better advantage. | “Ts this all?” T asked, rather disappointed, as after so much exertion I should have been glad of a little excitement. Even an infernal machine on tick would have been something. “Yes, that’s all, Sir,” returned the teapot-bearer, beginning to | mount the ladder. He was followed by my companion, I brought up the rear, and felt like the great-grandfather of Jack SHEPPARD escaping from Newgate. When I was half way it occurred to me) that it was really very wrong to allow people to see such secrets. | might have been a Py or a political agent, or something or other. Yes, such things should Me f not be permitted, and I recommenced my exertions, “Take care where you go, Sir! There’s a loose plank there- abouts |” It was the voice of our lecder. It came from above, and had a ventriloquial sound about it. I felt inclined to reply in a shrill | falsetto, ** What a funny man you are Mr. Core!” but would not. | First. it was undignified ; secondly, I hadn't the breath to do it. Wearily, drowsily,” like Miss May Youe, but (considering m costume) with a difference, I came to the surface. I felt that I ha and Japan there is no+aying what | I am a bit of a soldier myself | was | | thing. accounted for. Wetwo, braving | They are only fired twice a year,’ ithe gun bristling with tee | been for the last ten hours in the hottest room of a local Chinese , Turkish Bath. I was so limp that had I been told that the fairest of the fair and the richest of the rich combined was on the eve of being introduced to me, I sho not have made any effort to get away. Yes, in spite of being conscious that I had rubbed my nose | with a smutty glove, and consequently had something in common | with the sweep. ** We are going to see the engines,” said my friend. ** Only so man | our conductor, tt | the reasons I have already given.) | “ Thanks, no,” I ga:ped out ; “I don’t think I will go. I suppose | they are exactly like other engines? ”’ ** Not in the least.”’ ‘* Ah, then that decides me, I will stay here,”’ and I did. I am glad to say that the engines appeared to be particularly in- teresting, and kept my friend and his escort busily engaged for about half an hour, At length my companions returned. was partially recovered, I was no longer as limp as a bit of string I was by this time almost as strong as a piece ot address cardboard, “* You should have seen the engines,” said my friend in a tone of ss “they were excellent,” replied that I would take his word for it. Then we went to see the guns themselves, Well, I frankly confess | was disappointed. They were the usual sort of guns. Big tubes and all that kind of Rather silly than otherwise. ’ said our guide, as if that enhanced their value. And now I an to understand why th casemates had such an ‘apartments furnished” air about them, The windows had brass fittings. I expected to see curtains hanging from above, and was quite disappointed not to find a canary in a birdeage hanging down between the window and the gun muzzle. ** Dear me!” I observed, *‘ so these are the guns! ‘hey are fired . to do the guns. | [ supposed by Number One ?” _ Our conductor was absolutel since | was a Volunteer Artilleryman, technical term. ‘‘ Number One” is the y startled at my remark. Many years and I had stumbled on a unner of the firing-party hundred feet below the level of the ocean,” added | t will be observed that I carefully avoid tigures for | who fires (i.e. lets off) the gun. The result of this display of know- | ledge wus an elaborate description by our guide of the character of | nicalities, Government secrets I do not transcribe it.) Then we went to see how the gun was loaded, how it was laid or aimed, At last we came to the look-out tower. ‘*Only room for one gentleman,” said our guide; ard I nobly yielded first place to my friend. He went up, and his head dis- appeared. I could only see his bod He appeared very agitated. Later on he was a ‘‘stiffish breeze.” invited me to take his place. Ascending slowly, greatly impeded by fit and fatigue, I got to the top of the ladder. My head disappeared, and my body I knew must hav: become greatly agitated. And this was not surprising. For my body was still in the hottest room of the Jocal Chinese Turki-h Bath, which had grown hotter than ever, and my head had apparently | Yes, and in | suddenly found itself on the summit of Mont Blanc. 1 winter weather. For a moment it was all I could do to avoid what seemed to me to be avalanches, frozen thunderbolts and Atlantic icebergs. They seemed to be dashing over me. Clingiog for dear life to what appeared to be a sort of g " conductor. He explained something or other in a voice that sounded (Wishing to protect the | from the neck downwards. | came down, and saying there | Jess cucumber frame was our | as if he were a ventriloquist who was making a man say ‘ Good | night” at the top of a very high chimney. 3 I intimated that I was perfectly satisfied. This I did in dumb show by promptly dropping my head and climbing down as quickly as possible, When I reached the stone floor my face was ice for a moment and then turned red hot, following the example set by th: rest of my body. . Shortly afterwards, ering in my im returned to the entrance of the boat-house. were carefully untied in several directions. I drew off my overa)|s, my jumper, my shocking bad hat, my torn white gloves. resumed my ordinary clothes. ‘' Ricnanrp was himself again.’’ At least, as near himself as he could be after a loss of about two stones of weight and the greater part of his voice. J ** You will not give particulars that will endanger the safety of rfect fit, I once more e robes surrounding me | the State ?”’ I promised (in a feeble, melancholy tone that seemed t» me like a mouse’s dying farewell to sorrowing relatives) that I wouldn't, And I hope [ haven’t. _ Development. (Braummagem Version of a Celebrated (uatran.) Taree was a Rad in the days that were earlier ; Years fleeted by, he smarter curlier ; Further years gave him a Toryish twist, Then he was 7imes man, and Unionist ! | | =

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[Sepremper 15, 1894. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | | GU@HOLSIGNO AWOLVN HLIM ANOTV 2A G1N0O UNO BURHA Vag GUL AG SLOdG LAIN} NUBL NAD BURA quan], ‘Sd33d O!INOLSIH3SYd

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—— Sepremper 15, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR en SE ————— IVARI. 8 131 ODE FOR THE MARRIACE SEASON. L Sue now in festal rhyme Of Hymen’s harvest-time, The happy chances When Cupid's f nt torch Leads to the sacred porch And the bells’ wedding chime | Crowns young romances. Here, whispering somewhat loud, Gathers the wonted crowd ; | Matrons with heart till young Happily tearfal, Critics of dress, avow'd, Too sibilant of tongue, And, thick the > mel Damsels expectant Of love, their lives to fill, Chatty and cheerful. See, there the bridegroom waits Till at the flow’r-strewn gates His love descendeth, And all ears listening, And some eyes glistening, Fiction’s romances While of a real love-tale First chapter endeth. The choir-boys, open-eyed, Forget their psalter For gazing at the bride, Childlike yet dignified, ‘Lhere by her lover's side, Before the altar. Here to the shrine they Dg That old pure offering Of all religions, Hallowing their first, young loves— A pair of turtle-doves, Or two young pigeons. (To perambulate, v.n., in German, apazieren A DISAPPOINTMENT. ; in French, se promener ; ia Italian, passeggiare -} Juhann Schmidt. ‘‘ Ach! vat A Bitty, Mister Caonzs ! NOT GO THEREIN TO BeERAMPULATE?” Z Never since ApAM's primal 8 were cried By every bird in Eden's leafy minster, Has such a bridegroom taken such a bride, So true a Bachelor, so sweet a Spinster. SONC OF THE IMPECUNIOUS BARD. How many woes, the heavens beneath, The sons of men assume! For some, | say, are boomed to death, ile some have ne'er a boom. And some like rockets rise and fall A sadder lot have they Whose rockets never mount at all, But fizz and die away. My sun is sinking to the West— It did not fairly rise. In velvet coats I can’t in- vest, Nor in Byronic ties. The very cheapest “shag” I smoke, My thirst on water quench My latest sixpence when broke, I knew I must retrench, Upon a simple scone I lunch, Or luncheon I ignore I cannot even buy a Punch— A most terrific bore! But yet at Fleet Street, 85 From gazing none retard, And solace still may thence | derive An impecunious Bard. | EN VE MUST TEMPORA MUTANTUR. THERE was a time I loved to row Upon the Thames, and pitch my tent On reedy islands lying low, Without a thought of tax or rent. But if I sleep in puddles now I get rheumatics, gout and cramp. damp. There was a time I loved to climb From morn till eve, from eve to morn, ose snow-ca Alpine s sublime, The Rigi and the Matterhorn. Now, Ludgate Hill is quite as much As I can do, or Hornsey Rise— Mountains, you see, a grown to such size, There was a time I loved to flit To Margate with its German bands, And split my sides at nigger-wit, Se mie an Comma a e sands, v Now, e coarse and low, And if I mount on steeds, they cough, Or wink, or wag their ears and throw Me off. But pew ey ean} are all a wreck some exacting sport In t's a risk my neck In foolish of that mad sort. I'll find some steady man who owns A safe reliable Bath-chair, And tip him well to wheel my bones With care. NEWS FROM NORWICH. **Amu I too sweeping when I say that we | have more to fear from drinking anc gambling than from all the capitalists put together?” | Sc boldly and pertinently asked Mr. President | Detves, in his opening speech at the Norwich | Trades Union Congress. Mr. Detves ‘* paused | for a reply.” The Thames has grown—I know not how— | Pa | | will tell the working-man this wholesome | truth: that the Bottle and the Betting- Book Mr. emphatic ‘* No!” : ; It is not every working-man's friend who Punch gives it with an are his worst enemies. When he defeats them, the grasping capitalist, the mere greedy monopolist, will not have a chance against him, Sober workmen who did not gamble would indeed be *‘ too strong to be 0 Parliament,” or any other power. Mr. Detves spoke of strikes as likely to be- come “* an old weapon like the discarded flint- lock of apast age.” Goodagain! But if the workmen will organise an effective strike, as general as possible, against Beer and mee it will the best day’s work they have ever done for themselves and their country, and against exacting capitalism and sweating monopoly. When workmen act on Detves’s plan, Who will fight the Working-man ! Or, to adapt another old piece of doggerel : — If the Working-man Will work on the plan That Detves set forth at Norwich ; Check betting and drouth, Need he burn Ais mouth With the Socialist’s hot porridge ? | On arriving, at once you embark in a boat LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. CONSTANTINOPLE AT OLYMPIA, To the confines of Asia ’tis easy to roam Here’s a bus, going west, which invites You (absurdly enough) to go east to the home | Of all manner of Turkish delights. | Of a name unpronounceable quite, (afloat And through vistas of columns are wafted In unspeakable-Turkish delight. The vocab, in the programme is really Al, You can pick up the language at sight, And converse with your Turk in his own native tongue To his infinite (Turkish) delight. Then the making of s and Galata tower Are both of them well worth a sight ; And the hourie you’ll view in their shop- window bower With mild, semi-Turkish delight. Kia ~ long ere the show on the stage you For the ballets are wonderfully bright, There’s an interval too, for a *‘‘naice segarette A Britannico-Turkish delight. When at last to an end the great spectacle comes, You bid Constantinople night ; Aad yon go home monte Soot with several Of the genuine ‘‘ Turkish delight.” a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Seprempgr 15, 1894, OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tae volumes of “The Autonym Library” by any other name would be just as handy, “It was a curious coincidence in names,” jnoth the Baron, ** that, when “yd took up one of these volumes, I was discoursing with an eminent jadge on some mysterious poiats in the celebrated ‘Claimant’ trial, a full and detailed report of which would afford matter for an ‘ Arthur-Ortonym’ library of fiction.” The particular volume which had attracted the Baron’s attention was Mad Sir Uchtred of the Hills, by 8. R. Crocxerr. ’Tisastrange book, and the “‘ kindly reader,” «) addressed prefatially by the author, may have a kindly word for it, and, “by m troth,” quoth the Baron, ‘‘ the reading of it made pass an hour or so "twixt meal-times not unpleasantly,” the while he sat on the smooth deck of a wave - conquerin . in view of the hoary side of the Green Isles of Arrah Bedad, what time the Sea-any-monies and the coal-scuttle fish shot like blue blazes *‘ through the silver threads of the still and sleepy waters.” And that is how the Baron would write were he describing the scene Crockettically. The story of Sir Uchtred was evidently suggested by the S/range Adventures of the Great King Nebu- chadnezzar , and indeed the guileless author would so have it understood from the headings prefixed to his chapters. There is | much about “‘ Randolph” in it, which is pleasant, seeing that for some time “‘ our only Randolph ” is absent from us, going round the | world, and getting himself, the Baron hopes, all round again by the | process. | Sir Uchtred goes mad, mad as a hatter—(“‘ Whathatter? Butno matter!” quoth the poetical Baron),—and wanders about “‘ with a tile off,” just as a hatter would do who was so demented as to forget his business. Then at the critical moment he is suddenly res to his senses by hearing, in the darkness, far down, abellring! Yes, he had heard it before, a sweet church bell, long ago in his infancy... . Just as the wicked character in Nicholas Nickleby’s first y written for the Crummles Company, the villain of the piece, when | about to commit his greatest piece of villainy, hears a clock strike! He has heard a clock strike in happier times, in the days of his innocency, and he is struck by the striking coincidence, and he weeps—he relents! he is good once more!!! And thisis how mad Sir Uchtred is brought back again to his senses, and how all ends happily for every- body exeept for a certain lame tamed black wild cat, which, after having had a great deal to do with the story, disappears, and is heard | of no more. Alas! poor Yoriek! Will good Sir KR. Crockett of the Pens write another little red book——(** such is the colour of the cover | in the Autonym Library, But for certain ’tis a much book,” | quoth idiotic Sir Bookred of the Swills)—informing us what became | of the cat with three legs and eight lives, one of its chances having gone?’ I haven't met such a cat as this since Mr. Anrsony Hore eanees us to the appreciative tail-less one belonging to Mr. "itt 7 WW tdow ° And another book in the library is The Upper Berth. It sounds an aristocratic title, doesn’t it? Go not by ovand save when the cheerin: | dinner-gong or luncheon-bugle may summon thee; and then “ st | not on the order of your going,”’ but go and order whatever there may be on the menu. “* The Upper Berth,” says the Baron, still aboard the gallant vessel, ‘‘is the best ghost story I have read for many a day. "Tis by Marton Crawrorp, and not written in his well-known | modern Roman hand. Then in the same volume, by the same author, | is The Waters of Paradise, which is disappointing certainly, after | the sensational ('pper Berth.. Therefore,” quoth the Baron, “my counsel and advice is, read, if you will, The Waters of Paradise, only take them off at a draught first; don’t mix the spirit with the waters, but take The Upper Berth afterwards. For choice read it | in bed, with the aid of one solitary light, taking care to select a | tempestuous night, when boards creak, windows rattle, and | open of their own accord. In these conditions you will thorough! enjoy Manion Caawrorp'’s Upper Berth, and will gratefully t | the thoughtfal and considerate Baron pe Boox-Worms,” P.S.—Once more ashore, and abed, convalescenting, in view of the poluphosboytoning thalasses (Yes, my boy O! the Baron knoweth the Greek is not thus, but why not lug in the name of sea-going Boyton on such an appropriate occasion ? ), the Baron readeth Ships that pass in the Night, A deeply pathetic story in one volume, whi cannot regret not having read long ere this, as it suits his mood so exactly now. He thanks Miss Bearrice Harrapen, and re- commend the book everywhere, and to everybody, but that by now no such passport is necessary. Certain personages and localities in the story recall to the Baron’s mind a pretty play, and a most successful one, produced at the St. James’s Theatre under Mr. ALEXANDER’s management. It was Liberty Hall, by Stoney Carton, and the characters were the friendless girl, played, I fancy, by Martow Terny ; the somewhat cynical ool mysterious lonely man, paren Mr. Groner ALexanper ; and, finally, Zoddy, the old bookseller an book-collector, a part that suited Mr. Rienton down to the d, Such undesigned coincidences are interesting to reader and Sou, and in no way detract from the author’s originality. B. pe B-W “OUR BENIGHTED ANCESTORS” ; Or, How it wits Sree Postertry, (Circa 2894 A.D.) Amanda (looking over Amanvus's shoulder), What are you so absorbed in, my dear ? } ; } Amandus (rousing himself). Why darling, in this very clever, though painfal, antiquarian work by Dr. Dicxmur ealled * _— into the Dismal Ages.” (Shudders sympathetically.) Dear, dear, how it makes one pity one’s poor, respectable, but ridiculous ancestors of about a thousand years syne,—say the end of the ‘‘ so-called Nine- | teenth Century!” Amanda, Why dear, what did they do ? Amandus, You should rather ask, what did they suffer? I was reading a graphic, but harrowing, account of an extraordinary annual ‘* Custom” they had—they, the conventional, commonplace, conformists of the day, top-hatted Philistines, “‘ civilised” into characterlessness, polished into pithlessness, humanised into moral pap and pulp. It seems to have been a custom almost as cruel as the blood-bath of Dahomey, as irrational and tormenting as the hari-kari of old Japan. Poor dear deluded duffers, why did they Amanda, Dear me! do it ? Amandus. That even the pundits of the ‘‘ Shrimpton-on-Sea” Ex- ploration Society cannot so muchasconjecture. Their excavators latel came upon a most mysterious ‘‘ marine deposit” in a sand-chok chalk-cave in the course of repairing the great South-Coast Marine Embankment. Here are pictures of some of the items. Many of them are mysteries whose nature and use cannot be fathomed. Here is an apparatus supposed to have been a barbarous musical instru- ment, a hoop with a piece of parchment stretched across it, and ornamented with movable brazen dises. It may have been used to seare gulls. At any rate, it must have made a hideous din when beaten or agitated. It was discovered near certain strange semi- polished fragments of what were apparently the rib-bones of some extinct animals. Their use now cannot even be surmised; neither ean that of a curious wooden implement somewhat resembling a miniature model of the obsolete agricultural implement once known, it , as a “shovel” or “* spade.” manda, How rery odd! Still, hardly dreadful, dear, so far, eh ? Amandus (gravely). Perhaps not! Though the significance even of these comparatively harmless absurditiesis painful. But my dear, Dr. Digemvr’s researches lead him to the belief that in the latter half of the Nineteenth Century a hideous ‘‘ Annual Custom” pre- vailed. In the autumn of the year, it would seem, a sort of Social Edict of Banishment drove all decent and well-to-do citizens from their own happy homes, to make themselves miserable—by way of penance probably—in strange places, fusty, ill-furnished, often unhealthy, and always expensive, far from all the comforts and decencies, the conveniences and charms of their own we'l-orJdered residences. Amanda, But why did they do this dismal Ging ? Amandus, It is not conceivable that they would do it save or com- Ision. It is conjectured that some secret religious tribunal or venge- 1 Social Vehmgericht drove the devoted victims to this dreadful doom. They had to pass weeks, and sometimes months, either in continual travel—as tiring and painful as the penitential pilgrim- ages of a yet earlier date—or in compulsory incarceration in dismal dungeons or comfortless caravanserais, Amanda (shirering), Oh dear, how rery dreadful ! Amandus, D ul, indeed! The leaders, controllers, or ‘‘ gang- ers” of these Autumnal Pilgrimages of Pain, were certain mysterious functionaries called, it appears, by generic name of “ Pater- familias.” The Paterfamilias, who ap to correspond somewhat to the ancient idea of a Pilgarlic or pegoat, had, th ugh “‘ sore inst his will,” like the mythical John Gilpin, to his family fi ersin this peripatetic purgatory, suffer its worst horrors him- , and—pay all the expenses!!! Amanda, Suockine!!! And what did they call this horrid Amandus, As far as can be ascertained, it seems to have been as the ‘ Annual Holiday,” or ‘‘ Autumn Outing” ! the Baron | custom

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Srrrempge 15, 1894 From Pole to Pole is a distance of nearly 8000 miles, yet it would>only require 200 days for the Soap made at Ws = ; a) Port Sunlight to reach fromthe North to the South Pole, and sa Se at the same ‘rate of production an unbroken line of : tend +3 ae SUNLIGHT SOAP reaching From the Earth | To the Moon | | (a distance of 225,000 miles) | i | | a i could he made in less than 6000 working days. ‘This means that equal to ONE MILE of Sunlight Soap is. made every fifteen minutes. Martell’s | F SCRUBB’S .2::2.. AMMONIA KOTTLED IN COGNAC, pee fo i‘Tyrtle aii | me phd WIWERALINATERS FOR PIPE OR CIGARETTE. | To HM. THE QUEEN + gpg thi TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. Wachter of eee OUs PREPARAT Splendid ¢ Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing, Etc. Restores the } Ay of to Carpets, 1s, Bottle for sixtoten Baths. Of all Grocers, Chemists, Etc. f| SCRUBB & 0O., 32b Southwark Street, 8.E. Champag ne | | “— MANUFACTURERS OF SCRUBB’S ANTISEPTIC SKINSOAPD” tenn. run puinee oF wat) So] [_Tanby ana co | FRAISINE. WINES » ToBAaced. 27, BROOK S?, LONDON Packed in embossed foil packets ty tins on ia oon j WRIGHT S aa SUPREME!) ruz sMALl HINDOO PEN. Manufactured from selected Leaf and guaranteed (s08T OUT.) “COAL CLARKE, NICKOLLS & COOMSS’ § —geS ES (Lrp.) 1, ane % Won cme ree Ween” Bay \ste CARAMELS rnc | (“ Milk,” * Oresan,” and Bee fample Hox of all kinds, Is. 14. by Peat. VV H S K Y MN LUGG SD anc UnmivaLuen. | MACHEN & CAEN, | ALL Up-ro-Darz Coxrecrioxzns Szit Tuxx. | Penmakers to Her Majesty's Government Offices.

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| SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH | Co., Lro., | AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL, And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. (iticura ¢ the great SKIN CURE Instantiy Relieves TORTURING Skin Diseases | And the most distressing forms of itchine, burning, bleeding, and ecaly skin, scalp, and bicod humours, and points to a speedy cure when all other remedies and the best physi- clone fail, Coricona Wonks Worpens, and its cures of torturing the most wondert fold throughout the world? Price: Coricvna, 2/3; Vesotvert, 2/3 AP, 1/-; oF the eet, pest free, fur 6/6, of F. NEWBERY & SONS, 1, King Edward Strest, L, ndon, ELC, “ How te Cure Skin Diseases,” post free. TO TRAVELLERS. | Messrs. W. D. & H. O. WILLS | have pleasure in calling the atten- tion of the Travelling Public to the | fact that their ‘BEST BIRD’S EYE” and “ THREE CASTLES” TOBACCO can be obtained in the following Towns in France: BORDEAUX—& & 10 Passsce Sancer HAVRE—66 Bou.evany pe Sreaspouro LYONS—7 Rus pe ta Rerusmeve. MARSEILLES—7 Rvs ve Noaities NICE—Ros ps Panu PARIS—12 Bovutevanp pes Carvucivzs (Guaxp Hors). 15 Pisce pe 14 Bounss. MONTE CARLO—P ace pov Casto. And from the principal Tobacco- nists throughout GERMANY, SWITZERLAND, NORWAY and SWEDEN, HOLLAND, BEL- GIUM, RUSSIA, &c. JOHN BRINSMEAD & SONS’ Iron Comsolidated Frames, Patent Check Actions,&c the Three Are for Bale, Hire, and on Years System. 20OHN BRINSMEAD & BONS, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON, CHARIVARIL—Szpremege 15, 1894. FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE IRONS, MANTELS, &c. _REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. 8, %, and 2, Wiemons Sraner, Loxven, W. 5 ** LIQUEUR OF THE Clarke’s Regi “ id” HOWARD): * CE CHARTREUSE.| Night-Light Watch-Holder. BEDFORD A wy Aes This delicious Liqueur, which JAPANNED WATCH- eventing wh age po BALING PRESSES). 3° == ee ete throughout the Bole Consignee, mid” Ls, w x, a: every HOLDER, wit Bingten ” DOYLE, %, Crutehed Friars, Leadon, B.C A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. ve TAMAR _ coxstiartox, _ INDIEN 222:225 GRILLON. London: 47, Southwark Street, 8.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. Gd. A BOX. at bedside. Vrinted by William Stuart Smith, of Ne Leraine Molioway in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middiesex. at the Printing Offices of Lombard Street, "yiiteotan city of ‘hime of ro. 83 : Sercet, in as ~: im the Preeinet of . Agnew, & Co., Limited, Messrs. Bradbury London, apd published by @. 85, Fleet the Parish of St. Bride, City of Londoa. —Saruapat, September 16. 1604.

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>" “It is best to discuss Punch's Pict in good The Second Volume | MBICTURES company, where wane goed turn deserves sth, Now Ready, XS so one good joke begets another, and at the end B nd . . ~~ wer ore with mirth. Mr. Punch’s Elegant y vound, | Pictures are in themselves qed company.” a _ The whole book is admirable.” —Scotsman, < ,

au) ‘ alii HAL) Ube =) gi di ‘| | i Mi Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. WUE at wiatiiny sits PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. + ee ee ee ee ee ee DUNE A VOLS Mas i PP POTIIIO GO OS EN Nl PRICE THREE PENCE. } ~~ | Re | | ' , " GN Nw it Meal h Ny | i is I) it ; Ny Nites i 4 LONDON.

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will in no case be returned. rule there will be no exception wings, or Pictures of any description. Wrapper. To thi Cover, or elope mot even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressec Env Ga” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether WS., Printed Matter, Dra

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PUNCH, OR THE - Alt, I T R IL B Y. By GE a po MAURIER Tkree i ‘ wh Sve NEW EDITION WOW READY PETER IBBETSON. Ry GEORGE oc MAURIE Author of * Trilby Itestrated with over @ awings by the Author Imperia r , h ornamental, gilt topes, 66 Nore 4 fe ma stll be had of the original Ulustrat d ed . 2 wols., 7 «Zils Lendon (O80 uw vA w COMPANY A . THREE NEW NOVELS. AT Al LIBRARIES Ry the Ax athe w of “ A Gray Pye or Bo,” and ‘I Portid th Kenna OXF FAIR DAUGHTER. In ) Vole at Mooes. In Three ks Hook r Ths “Ma ide on Pians. Book II The Man Appears. Book ill The oman Acts The day Ry PAVID CHRISTIE MURRAY A RISING STAR. In 3 Vols, ne Chrictie Murray's best. It is a good, stra the rward stor w itten in a style Which ts always epirited ste: ewting, and vivialy coloured ore erea Guserre ty MRS. OLIPHANT A HOUSE IN BLOOMSBURY. 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SepreMBer 22, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ~Hi IN PARIS OUT OF THE SEASON. (With some Notes on a Detective Melodrama at the Ambigu.) Dear Mr. Punca,—When I announced my intention of running | over to Paris for a few days, my friend Buzzarp looked at me with a stony contempt. ‘To Paris?” he said, ‘‘at this time of year! | Why, you must be mad. What on earth are you going to do there ?” ied to explain to Buzzanp, whose frigi | frightens me, that I liked Paris, that I was going there pour me # urdir ; that it was just as possible to breakfast at Leporen’s or Vorsry’s to dine at Dorann’s or Josera’s in tember as at any other time ; that a few theatres were still open ; that the Boule- vards were there for the fldneur ; but I failed to the most idiomatic French m ZARD, like the weight of the elephant in the probl must be neglected; and here I pony. the Rue de Rivoli with another madman like unto myself. We take our café complet in ; we wear beautiful French ties, made of foulard, y with two vast ends floating like banners > in the Parisian e—in a word, we are | thoroughly enjoying ourselves in an entirely non-British fashion— which I e, , to be of the essence of a pleasant holiday. What care we for the echoes of the Trades Union Congress; for the windiest of Kerk Harpte’s blatancies; for the malignities of Mr. | CHAMBERLAIN, or the failure of Lord Rosgpery’s Ladas at Don- | easter? Weare in Paris, and the sight of a cwirassier trotting pest | with his great black crini¢re waving behind, or of the lady bicyclists scudding by in ers, excites us more than even the latest ravings of the newest woman in London. Buzzarp be blowed! You may tell him I 60 ing for him here. If I may judge by the latest detective drama, the ideas of the Parisian public with to power of a detective are still very primitive. Yet Ganoriau did something in this line, and, in the Vicumte de Bragelonne, did not | d’ Artagnan show himself on the occasion of a certain duel to be a | detective of unmatchable force? Still the fact remains that the play-going Parisian public is easily satistied in the matter of detect- | ives. Listen, if you doubt me, to a plain unvarnished account of ‘* La Belle Limonadiére,” the ** Grand drame nouveau en cin | actes, huit tableaux,” which is now running gloomily, but wit immense success, at the Ambigu. | Madame de Mazerolles, a wealthy widow, is, in the first Act robbed and brutally murdered by her stepson, Holand, a dissipated young man, who is incited to the commission of the crime by his wicked mistress Sabine, Vidocg, the { representative of the new | school in detection (cirea A.D. 1820), is away at the time, in his absence the investigation falls to his rival Yvrier, who belongs to the old school. In the chamber of death Yrrier soon makes up his mind that the guilty person is one Henri Lebrun, a faithful igantic old soldier, much given to beating his breast with both fists and talking at large about his services to his country, his immaculate | honesty and his domestic virtues. Suddenly Vidocg enters. He dis- covers that the assassin has entered by a certain door because a cob- | web has been disturbed, he picks up a red flower one by the | assassin, he pours contempt on the crass stupidity of Vrrier—all uite in the best Sherlock Holmes style. But nothing comes of it all. oor Henri Lebrun, still beating his breast with fists, is arrested, and after a painful interview with his only daughter (whom he discovers to have been the mistress of George, the son of Madame Mazerolles), he becomes sublime, accuses himself quite unnecessarily of the murder he had never committed, and is marched off to prison amid the execrations of the ee, the triumph of the crass Yerier, and the loudly expressed determination of Vidocg to bring the guilty to justice and save the life of the innocent Lebrun. Time Lebrun, overwhelmed by i t condemned to death. It is the morning appointed for his execution. | The curtain rises in the w floor of a restaurant commanding an extensive view of the guillstine. The sight-seers troo r all comes Roland, the murderer, disguised in black as a wicked | Marquis, and accompanied by the infamous Sabine. Héléne Lebrun, | the hter of the condemned man, also troops in to slow music in | black. There is a commotion at the door, and the obsequious inn- | keeper backs on to the stage ushering in Milord Sir John Stilton and | this in an enormous green | way = yellow waistcoat, : | become thus oy O't ilhantly stri with | may soon cease , ped know tha the “‘ Bystanper” is still running on, his son ‘‘ Shames.” Sir John is dressed swallow-tailed coat with brass buttons, a stri | pai of yellow knickerbockers, and stockin red and black. On his head he wears a low-crowned hat. In one hand he carries an umbrella, while a telescope dangles from his superiority | | Now good Vii d | guilty, disguised , and | gullty, disgull Sep- | Vidoeg looks his ~—_ even with = there was no pp of at my com-| Yvrier in a passion of repentance offers himself to hel However, I determined that Buz- | in the most subordinate eas y want to let Mr. Conan Doyte know that there is a great open- | black the acumen and general | f | ‘done, and occasionally objectionably done, ‘charitable purposes in the London streets, On an entire absence of proofs, is tried and | | Stand by,” but, as though he had heard the command to “ Sta in. First of | and deliver,” our sturd shoulders by a strap. In short, he is tout-ce-qu’ilky-a de plue Anglais, His son Shames is even more ively British. Sir re n gg ame * vous gone moa ” is the Lat orm mes concurs with a “* ay ow which provokes roars of laughter. But stay, what is ‘hie John takes Shames aside: they talk in beautiful French. Can it be? Yes, by Heaven, it is the great Vidocg with his faithful Coco-Latour ! We breathe again, for now we know that the it man is safe. The cession, however, approaches. The condemned man speaks from below to his wag ay be the a asia ~ fy his innocen ae to the rescue. Display ur arts, convict d Marquis, and save the estimable Lebrun! But : on impassive, a dull thud is heard and the head of the innocent rolls into the basket. Immediately is Yorier staggers in. Too late, he says, he has been convinced of Lebrun's innocence. At the last moment Lebrun looked at him with eyes in guilt. That last look did it, now i Vidooq, even ty, to sone down the or to n’s name, I pass over the ing, for no earthly reason, in numerous dis- ‘ scene, Roland has all but killed George azerolles in a duel, he has murdered Sabine, , before dying, rounds on him, and he is now, by a st unetion of circum- stances, in the very room in which he —— ‘adame Mazerolles. Thither also comes everybody else, Vidoeq, who is tracking Roland, discovers, through a paper belonging to the late Madame Mazerolles, that Roland, her murderer, was her son, not her me and that he, Vidocgq, is the father of Roland, In his youth Vidoeg had been a soldier. Somewhere he had met Madame Mazerolles, ‘ Nous nous sommes aimés entre deux batailles, entre deux rictoires,” and Roland was the fruit of their love. Horror of horrors! What is he todo? First he tells Roland that he killed, not his mother, but his mother, At this awful intelligence, Roland faints in an armchair for precisel ten seconds, Recovering himself, he is fain to escape. Vidocq, all his fatherly instincts aroused, says he shall, weak Yrrier consents, when suddenly, from behind a curtain, appears Héléne Lebrun in Tie murderer of her father must not escape, she declares, whereupon the great detective, vowing that his son shall never be for the guillotine, shoots him dead with a toy pistol in the region of the left waistcoat pocket. Tableau! Curtain! here, Mr. Punch, you have the French Sherlock on the stage. A wonderful man, ishe not? Yours, asalways, A VAGRANT. remove the stain from daring which Vidoc ses, and come to the ON THE WAR IN THE EAST. (By a Western Wonderer,) Att in the East seems so dawdling and queer! s engagements, and battles pour rire, Militant meetings—where nobody meetse— Ghostly armies and tom fleets ; ** Terrible slaughter ’’—with never a blow, Co’ choked rivers that maps do not show ; Wild contradiction and vagueness extreme, Faith, it all reads like some Flowery Land dream, jo een ae Rae ha apanese- irjum- Waid, willow. i ; sort of a “* War” Jounny might paint on a blue ginger-jar. Wonder how long such a queer war wag on? No one can tell—when ’tis Dragon y. Dragon ! THANKS TO THE “ BYSTANDER.” I am glad to see the “ Brstanper” in the Graphic has recently uttered a startled protest against the f now somewhat over- of lady “begging for the s en rition of one of these merry half-sisters of charity (were not the Pecksniffian daughters Charity and Merry?) Mr. Asner Srenny became well- nigh nee and his generosity being temporarily paralysed, he fled, with pockets tightly buttoned. For the moment he was no longer the ‘ BystanpeR,” whose motto is that of Captain Cuttle f pemaees pases a itive mies before the face of the giddy charity gi thus at one“ go” savec his halfpence and his honour, re te tation would have suffered had he impolitely rebuffed his fair unfair assailant. He did well to flee, he did still better to write and complain, We trust that rocess adopted p hgh nd Type (a fine old Irish title by the f may have its due influence, the abuse, which has , of a fashion good in itself and its origin, En attendant, Mr. Punch is ple to and not likely to come to a standstill. VOL. CVil.

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: 134 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Suprempen 22, 1894. al 3 ng bos of A = is A HOPELESS CASE. Ceres. “ Tuzne, uy Farexp, I gave orven you A Gotpen Harvest Ta1s Year!” Farmer, “ Ir's VERY KIND OF You, Mar; Bur 'TAIN'’T MUCH Goop IF I caNn’T GET CoLD For IT!”

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SerremBer 22, 1894.] 135 A 8T. LEGER COINCIDENCE. Dean Me. Poxcu,—Will you afford me a small portion of your space to put | on record once and for ever a most extra- | ordinary coincidence? Last Wednesday | afternoon I was taking a country walk, | when all at once my eye was suddenly caught by a throstle. At the same time I accidentally looked at my watch. It) had ped at 12.10. When I got home | I satinel both of these circumstances to my wife. Later in the evening I bonght an even- ing , and was amazed to find that the St. Leger had been won by Throstle (the bird I had seen), which had started at 50 to 1 (the exact minute at which my watch had )! Could the force of coincidence f. go? The Society of Psychical Mr. Sreap Research are welcome to this incident. The only thing which troubles me at all is that the evidence (other than my own) is a little slender. My wife is deaf, and never heard what I told her. The bird has flown. My watch is going again. I inclose my card, am, Yours Sreap-y to a degree, One who Won Noraine ox THe Race. Mr. Punch on Peeler Piper. (“I wish,” said Mr. Lanwez, the North a magistrate, “* to ve 7 sense of the very great courage resolution ex- hibited by Constable Pipe in this case, under circumstances of considerable pressure, danger, and exhaustion.” — Times’ Police Re- port, Sept. 12.) Percer Piper prov’d his plucky pecker. As Peeler Piper ’d his plucky pecker, Where’s there pluckier pecker Than Peeler Prper’s proved ? PropaBLE ANNOUNCEMENT.—New k : Mischi edlar, By Lestre Kerrn, the fruitful Author of A Troublesome Pair. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. i vi | | | | I My Ha 4 MANNERS. “On, THEN I musT BE ON MY Best Benaviove, I suppose?” ‘‘CERTAINLY Not. Be NATURAL, WHATEVER YOU A MOAN FROM MITCHAM (See * eee in “ Weatminater We once had a Common at Mitcham, Where boys would bring wickets ani pitch "em, That devouring wolf The fanatic of Established a elub, And—aye, there’s the rub !— The seien sacrificed needs of the -lie on purpose to help and enrich ‘em ! The Common they soon will be shutting In the interests of driving acd ** putt- ing. The balls fly about and hit kids in the eye, And frighten old fogies, and make horses shy. The public’s “‘wired” out while the golfers ‘* wire in.” They nove av lots of brass, but they pay little tin. They drive sheep and cattle, and boys in ing ** Greens. Oh, Punch, can’t you pitch in, and pitch ’em, These aan, off our Common at Mit- € Authority here at Monopoly winks, But I > an old ea wd who thinks That the Links on our Common should be Missing Links! Question and Answer. Ingoldsby's Question. ** Tiger Tim, come tell me true, What may a nobleman find to do?” Modern Idiot's Answer, Squeak out a chestnut” (he'll will ARE.” know w !) **T can’t afford it; I'm far too rich!" A HOPELESS CASE. A very Un-Vinoriiian Pastorat Eciocve. InTERLOcUTORS—Ceres and a [“ In several instances last week the prices for new wheat were quoted at r _—— in Lincolnshire and Yorkshire, and the general e whole country last week was actually only 27s. 7d. 16s, to 19s. average for t Yorthern Farmer, newest style. It is | two hund j ing li i | mca over two hundred years since anything like so low a price has been quoted | That is ungrateful, Farmer for wheat in England.”— Westminster Gazette.] Farmer (throwing down newspaper). De Foine fedlds? A’ dear! a’ dear! Tisn’t worth nowt a haacre ; ’tis worse than it wur ladst year! Ceres (entering). I think you will own this time I never saw wheat more prime! Dussut loook at the waiste! Good evening, Farmer, my friend ! I have sent you a golden harvest. Farmer, And who ma’ yew bei, Marm? And what dost tha mein, Marm— yew } I weant say tha be a loiar, but tha say’st what ’s nawways true. Ceres. Why, I am the farmer's friend, the goddess of farms and fielde. At my look the furrows spring, and my laugh the harvest yields. ‘urmer, Then wheer’ asta bean saw long, leaven me a-liggin’ aloan ’ nowt o’ a friend, leavin’ mea to groomble and Friend ? Thoort groan. Ceres. Why, what is the matter now? You’ve a bumper harvest, men say, The Fn and the barley show fair, and likewise the oats and e hay! Phoebus and I have done it, [f markets beaint no better Than they have bean inOwd We take no koind o’ care of And if tha weather be bad, | And if tha weather be fai grecting ’s cold. | Thee be the goddess o’ féalds? Oh, a seutty | Seems to mea tha knaws nowt, and tha bean Naw soort o’ koind o’ use to sady the things that ya do! | Goddess? My owd lass Bess wur a better goddess Sartin-sewer | be if ’tis thea and thet Clerk o’ the Weather Arranges the craps and things, ye’re a pair o’ toittlers together ! r, whoy the market proices fall. | And tha calls thaself a goddess, end the British farmer's friend ! | And we’re goin’ from woorse tow oost, and a ask tha, wheer will it end / Farmer. goddess tha beist ! na use, not the leist. than yew! Ceres, ! Just glance at those golden sheaves! yet who in our love believes ? Farmer, Luvvy it ma bea, but I reckons tha ’st boath o’ tha mooch to larn. Whut good o’ a full-sheaved feild, whut good o’ a full-choked birn, but woorse—as the chap saays here— England fur well-neigh two oonderd year? C [ am not the goddess of markets! Farmer. Naw, naw! Thou ’rt a useless jade. Whut use o’ taturs, and turmuts and wheat, if tha ain't gut trade ’ Whoy, your weather hallas cooms o’ the sort as we dont desire ; If we want sun ya send water, and if we want water ‘tis fire. Then they Parlyment fellers fret us a-lettin’ they furrineers in. ourssens, and tha furrineers win ; whoy we hin’t naw eens ot all. Ceres (sadly), Well, I’ve sent you a golden harvest, good friend, though your Farmer (furiously), Wheer ’s the good o° a golden harvest if I canna chonge it for gold?

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[Szpremper 22, 1894. the Housekeeper, in a black silk gown and her smartest cap, is seated in a winged arm-chair by the fire, discussing domestic politica with Lady CULVEBIN’s maid, Miss Sricxter. The Chef, Y Ripevos, is resting on the sofa, in languid converse with Mile. Currrox, Miss Spetwawe’s maid; Prttover’s man, Loven, watches Srerror, Sir Rurert’s ralet, with admiring ency, as he makes himself agreeable to Miss Puriureson, who is in demi- toilette, as are all the other ladies’ maids present, Miss Stickler (in an impressive undertome). All I do say, Mrs. Pomrret, ma'am, is this: if that girl Lovrsa marches into the pew to-morrow, as she did last a before the secon: d la maid— and her only under-seullery maid— such presumptiousness be put a stop to in future! Mrs. Pomfret (wheezily). Depend upon it, my dear, it’s her ignorance; but I shall most certainly speak about it. Girls must be taught that ranks was made to be re- spected, and the precedency into that pew has come down from time immemoriable, and is not to be set aside by such as her while 7 ’m ‘ouse- keeper here. Mile. Chiffon (in French, to M. Rrpevos). You have the air fatigued, my poor friend! Oh, there but fatigued ! M. Ridevros Mademoiselle, absolutely broken. Bat what will you’ This night I surpass myself. I achieve a mas- terpiece- a sublime pyramid of quails with a sauce that will become classic. I pay now the penalty of a veri- table crisis of nerves. It is of my temperament as artist. Mile. Chiffon. And me, my poor friend, how I have suffered from the cookery of these others who have the stomach so feeble, so fas- tidious! Figure to yourself an existence upon the vil- lainous curry, the abomin- . ~ . able ‘‘Iahristue,” beloved IE by these barbarians, but which succeed with me not at all—oh, but not at all! Since I am her:—ah, the difference! I digest as of old—I am gay. But next week to return with Made- moiselle to the curry, my or friend, what regrets ! M. Rid. For me, dear ademoiselle, for me the regrets—to hear no more the conversation, so spiritual, so sympathetic, of a fellow- countrywoman. i prehend not. And the old ones they roll at me the eyes to make terror. Behold this Gorgon who approaches. She adores me, my word of honour, this ruin ! [Miss StickLER comes up to the sofa smiling in happy uncon- Broken, SCLONSNERE, Miss Stick. (graciously). 80 you've felt equal ops us for once, Mossoo! We feel it a very ‘igh compliment, | can assure you. We've really been feeling quite ‘urt at the way you keep to yourself you might be a regular ’ermit for all we see of you! | solitaire as of rule. To-night—no! res-tore myself viz your smile. Miss Stick, ( flattered), Well, I’ve always said, Mossoo, and I always will say, that for polite ‘abits and pretty speeches, give me a Frenchman ! a. Rid. (alarmed), For me it is too moch ’appiness, For anozzer, a | He kisses his fingers with ineffable grace, Thy, I'd no idea I should meet you here, Saran! And how have you been getting on, dear’ Still with—— ° Miss Dolman (checking her with a look), Her grace? No, we ted some time ago. I’m with Lady Ruopa Coxayne at present. Tn an undertone, as she takes her aside.) You needn't say anything PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ne here of your having known me at Mrs. Dicxenson’s. I couldn’t LYRE AND LANCET. afford to have it get about in the circle I’m in that I’d ever lived (A Story in Scenes.) with any but 1 ape I’m sure you see what I mean. Of AR’ .—DIGN UNDER DIFFICULTIES, course I don’t mind your saying we ’ve met, i - ' _ A ae we Ro Wr . Mrs. P Phill, Oh, I quite understan [’ll say nothing. I’m obliged to Scene XXI.— The Housekeeper's »”m at yrern ; Mrs. FOMFRET, be careful myse f, being maid to Lady Marsre MULt. “ Broken, Mademoiselle, absolutely broken.” For remark that here they are stupid—they com- had M. Rid, For invent, dear Mees, for create, ze arteeste must live ze | I emairge, as you see, to| Phillipson (advancing to meet Miss DoLman, who has just entered). | Miss Dolm. My dear Emma! It is nice seeing you again—such | Sriends as we used to be! Phill. At her Grace’s? I’m afraid you’re thinking of somebody else. (She crosses to Mrs. Pomruet.) Mrs. Pomrretr, what’s become of the gentleman I travelled down with—the horse doctor? | I do hope he means to come in ; he would amuse you, Mr. Sreptor, I never heard anybody go on like him; he did make me laugh so! Mrs. Pomfr. I really can’t say where he is, my dear. I sent up | word to let him know he was welcome here whenever he pleased ; | but perhaps he’s feeling a little shy about coming down. Phill, Oh, I don’t think he suffers much from that, (As the door | opens.) Ah, there he is! Mrs. Pomfr. (rising, with dignity, to receive UNDERSAELL, whe enters in obvious embarrassment), Come in, Sir, I’m glad to see | you’ve found your way | down at last. Let me see, | I haven’t the advantage of knowing your—Mr. Unper- | SHELL, to be sure! Well, / Mr. UNDERSHELL, we ’re very pleased to see you. | hope you'll make yourself | quite at home. Her lady- ship gave particular direc- | tions that we was to look after you-most particular she was! Undershell. You are very good, Ma’am. I am obliged to Lady Curtvertn for her with a gulp) condescension But I shall not trespass more than a short time upon your hos: itality. Mrs. Pomfr. Don’t speak of it as trespassing, Sir. | It’s not often we have a genth man of your profes- sion as a visitor, but you are none the less welcome. Now I’d better introduce you all round, and then you | won’t feel yourself a stran- ger. Miss PnrILiipson you hare met, I know. [She introduces him to the others in turn; USpDER- SHELL bows helplessly. Steptoe (with urbanity), Your fame, Sir, has pre- | ceded you. And you'll find | | us a very friendly and « ngenial little cirele on a better acquaint- | ance—if this is your first experience of this particular form of | society ? | Und. (to himself). I mustn’t be stiff, I'll put them at their ease. | (Aloud.) Why, I must admit, Mr. Sreprox, that I have never before | the privilege of entering the—(with an ingratiating smile all | round him) the ‘‘ Pugs’ Parlour,” as I understand you call this | | Very charming room. ord : | (The company draw themselves up and cough in disapprobation. | Stept. (very stiffly). Pardon me, Sir, you have been totally mis- |informed. Such an expression is not current here. , Mrs. Pomfr. (more stiffly still), It is never alluded to in my presence except as the ’Ousekeeper’s Room, which is the right an per name “ it. There may be some other term for it in the | Servants’ All for anything J know to the contrary—but if you’ll | excuse me for saying so, Mr. UnpersHeLt, we'd prefer for it not to be repeated in our presence. : Und. (confusedly). I—I beg ten thousand pardons. (T7o himself.) To be pulled up like this for trying to be genial—it’s really too | humiliating ! Stept. (relaxing). Well, well, Sir; we must make some allowances for a neophyte. You'll know better another time, J daresay. Miss | Purturpson here has been giving you a very favourable character as a highly agreeable rattle, Mr. Unpersnect. I hope we may be favoured with a specimen of your social talents later on. We're always grateful here for anything in that way—such as a recitation now, or a comic song, or a yumorous imitation—anything, in short, calculated to promote the general harmony and festivity will be appreciated. et

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Serrawser 22, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137 sie ai rich wtto net ncoursge-fartromit! “| TO HANWELLIA FROM EARLSWOOD. coarseness, which we/do not encourage—far it! F © Und. (oepgrecene his irritation). You need be under no alarm,| [1In my time at Eton it was the custom with one’s tutor to supply us Madam. o not propose to attempt a performance of any kind, with what was disrespectfully called ‘nonsense’ material for some suggested Phill. Don’t be so solemn, Mr. Usperswett! I’m sure you can|theme.”—James Payy, in “ Our Note-Book” in“ The Illustrated London ‘ be as comical as any playactor when you choose! News.” ’ ~ Und. I really don’t know how I can have given you that impres- | Wri you follow where the Bandicoots inevitably stray, sion. If you expect me to treat my lyre like a horse-collar, and grin | As they amorously hurtle through the stubble and the hay ; through it, I’m afraid I am unable to gratify you. Where the Jebusites and Amorites are gathered in a bunch, 7 Stept. (at sea). Capital, Sir, the professional allusion very neat. | While they watch the duck-billed Platypus preparing for bis lunch ? 9 You’ll come out presently, J can see, when supper’s on the table. 7 Can’t expect you to rattle till you’ve something inside of you, can we ? | Where the toothsome Trichinopli keeps turning on the s; it Miss Stick. Reelly, Mr. Stertor, I am surprised at such common- | Oh my dove-like Trichinopoli, how hard you are to hit! ness from you / ‘ There is something so elusive and desserting in your shape, P Stept. Now you’re too severe, Miss StickLER, you areindeed, An| That I had to shoot you sitting and to load my gun with grape. 4 innocent little Judy Mow like that ! " : Tredwell (outside). Don’t answer me, Sir. Ham I butler ’ere, or Though the Mandrake give you goose - A : skin by its inharmonious shriek, ham I not? I’ve a precious good mind to report you for such a f hignorant blunder.... I don’t want to hear another word about the And a tug of war come thenning after gentleman’s cloes—you ’d no hearthly business for to do such a thing _Greek has met with Greek ; : atall! (He enters and flings himself down on a chair.) That Tomas I will stay at home and see the giddy is beyond everything id hass as he is! _ milkman fill his 4 Mrs. Pomfr. (cone La, Mr. Trepwett, you do seem put | For an orchestra of Clepsydras con- out! Bybay v-~ een been doing ase i la aha taco ducted by a Snail. Und. (to himself). It’s really very good m to take it to ony , like this! (Aleut) Fe don’t let it distress you; it’s of no Ant 2 s@ .° wa Manatee ~I think consequence, none at all! : a + : Tred. (glaring). I'm the best judge of that, Mr. Uxvensmex, Sir | "dite coffes-oolodred Dolphins on —if pl allow me ; I don’t call tives of no consequence, | wii his B a - “ nd Biffin-bo vieeyt pe wer ! And oe f A HOMAS, Mrs, rr FRET belavi ao, k. iffin-boys se " actially ’ad the hordacity, without consulting me previous, to go an ‘and a note he of our gentlemen at the hu Pstairs table, all about He has always eggs at breakfast, has the merry Manatee. some hassinine mistake he e with his cloes! at ca ry , di . he to take it upon himself? I feel puffecly disgraced that such a Cibo dletle quai ete Tow stately dope ay . thing should have occurred under my authority ! Getting out my rusty rapier and dissecting with a lunge [The Steward’s Room Boy has entered with a dish, and listens | 4)) the daffodils and daisies that I grow upon my s more » with secret anxiety on his own account, 2 _—— Und. I assure you there is no harm done, The gentleman is| (an you see me on a tram-car, while I stand upon my head, wearing my evening clothes— but he’s going to return them—— Shredding out the scarlet runners which no suliuher has read, [The conclusion of the sentence is drowned in a roar of laughter | In a horse-case predetermined by a puisne-judge alone, from the majority. Who is tired of seeing juries with a rider of their own ’ Tred. (gasping). ’ cloes! Yourhevenin’— P’ 1 wna rape you "" | If the dactyls and the spondees should eventually pall, Stept. No, no, TREDWELL, my dear fellah, you don’t understand | You can call on Miss Cazsura and conduct her to a ball. our friend here—he’s a bit of a wag, don’t you see? He’s only | You can feed the girl on trochees, and of course you can propose, trying to pull our leg, that *s all 3 and, Gad, he did it too! But If hexameters delight you when recited through the nose. you mustn’t e liberties with this gentleman, Mr. UnpersHeE Lt, Hepey diva, how econ yo Seller. con 0 Rashsles have bliss! he’s an important here, I can tell you! C : ; ) I he (earnestly). But I never meant—if you'll only let me Can 2 = _ a etodtinn foc bls chillies le ea OS By dictating half a column to the Illustrated News ? [The Boy has come behind him, and administers a surreptitious Py which UnpERSHELL rightly construes as a hint to hold| (an ¢ Bumble-bee be cheerful if related to a Mouse is tongue. Whi i 9 Tred. (in solemn offence). I’m accustomed, Mr. HuNDERSHELL, to pabgenbinnipes phan rep pele time Oat lider he treated in this room with respect and deferen y bY! Can accounts be cooked with ‘‘ stumers,” and converted into stew / them as come here in the capacity of Guests. From such I rd anv attempt to pull my leg as in hindifferent taste—to say the least | Nay, I fly from all these problems; I am fortunately deaf of it. I wish to ave no more words on the subjick, which is a pain- | To the fascinating music of the careful Q. E. F. ful one, and had better be , for the sake of ull parties. | Nor can theorems allure me, never, never will I be Mrs. Pomrrer, I see supper is on the table, so, by your leave, we| Mathematically married to a vulgar Q. E. D. had better set down to it. cant : Phill. (to Uspersnety). Never mind An, pompous old thing! | But at home I'll sit and linger by the soft September fire, It was awfully cheeky of you, though. You can sit next me if| While | toast my feet and rack them by particular desire. _ you like, And I'll illustrate my meaning ( y red, — plain) Und. (to himself, as he avails himself of this permission). I shall | Drawing gaily on the “* Note Book” of my old friend Jnmy Parw. only make things worse if I explain now. But, oh, great Heavens, = what a position for a Poet Map as A Hatrer.—The Drapery World says that “ the «aed ‘ r,” only a Woman's hat” is much like the Ordinary Man's ‘ NEW LAMPS FOR OLD. little emailer, anda little more checky, ‘The phrase miptt fitly he Art was once defined as “‘ the creation of new forms of beauty.” transferred to the “‘New Woman” herself. She looks so much Our juvenile geniuses have altered all that. ‘“‘The New Art” is| like an ordinary man, only a little smaller and a little more cheeky. better defined as “the creation of novel forms of ugliness.” Its| By the way, is there much difference between ‘‘the New Woman's inspiration is Corruption, its auxiliaries are the two hideous imps, | hat” and the woman’s new hat? The query would make a good | Scratch and Smudge. Old Art, with its bosh about beauty, its rot | one for a French Exercise Book. about romance, its fudge about finish, its twaddle about taste, will be good enough to take a back seat. Apollo the Inspirer must give Wheel and Whoa! way to the sooty imp and inoubus, New tech !— Tue popular wheel, so the French doctors say, Is the worst enemy of the alar weal. RarnarL? Ideal Beauty spoiled his Art ! Rempranvt? Of light and shade he was no judge Academies of rearce will stay The Hideous now must play the leading part, The devastations of the steed of steel. Chiaroscuro yield to Shapeless Smudge The scorcher will deride as a bad joke a Attempts in his wild wheel to put a spoke QUOTATION FROM BYRON FQR THE EMPEROR OF JAPAN, Acarn he urges on his wild Korea.” —Mazeppa. IysTRUMENT ror AN Ants-BremixouamM Banp.—The Ban-Joe.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Szptemper 22, 1894.

x rer ct ual i Du, Bs: Vax Sites Dorothy. Michael. A YOUNG CYNIC. “T worper way Mew TAKE THerre Hats orr 1n CauRca, AND Women pon’r ! ‘On, Dororay, JUST THINK OF ALL THE LOOKING-GLASSES THERE ’D HAVE TO BE IN EVERY Pew!”

THE YOUNG PRETENDER. [‘* Immediately after the death of his father, the | gram to all the Sovereign Princes of Europe :— ‘A sa Maseert, &.—J'si la douleur * faire part 4 Votre Majesté de la mort de mo ére Puttirrr, Comte de Paris, pieusement dé a Stowe House le huit Septembre. Pui.irrs.’ Great significance is attached to the fact that the Duke signs himself with regal simplicity *Taruirrs.’ stances, on the occasion of the death of the Comte de Caamnonp, signed ‘Puriurre, Comte de Paris,’ thus ignoring his Sovereign rank.”—The Dai/y Graphic. }

Madame la République museth :— Au! “ Vivela France!” Lf words were only deeds, I might perchance secure a new defender. As Amunatas to AMURATH succeeds, E’en so succeeds Pretender to Pretender. Aye. “ plus ca change plus c'est la méme chose!” All Fancy their words ‘the writing on the wall. Street corner scrawls are not the script of fate. Pton-Piow and le brav’ Général, Cuamu- BORD, Panis, All chalked , my walls; ‘devotion to the State’ carry, Inspired their schemes predestined to mis- Rut Boursoy, Ronapartist or what not, Self ever seemed the centre of the plot. “* Roi des Francais” or as ** Monsieur X.,”’ “Tae werr’s backer, or the White Flag- waver, What has availed their valour save to vex ? Frenchmen and soldiers? Doubtless, Sirs ; few braver. But plots and manifestoes wild and windy ( contribute little to the State—save shindy!

Duke of Onteans addressed the following tele- | W His father under similar circum- | | Eh? a Divine? That old, old weapon | Pretenders fain would furbish up to fright | ould I bear weary strife, or bow my will To human wrong con if * Right Divine” could right me? No; right divine to rule must prove affinity, To the divine ere J trust its divinity. “Parirpe!” Ah! boldly written ! admire Its flowing form, the freedom of its flourish. And “ Vire la France!” To what may you You aspire ? | What is the scope, Sir, of the hopes you ourish ? (writing, Your sire “ignored his Sovereign rank” —in | But) Philippe— Roi— de —— humph !—that might mean fighting. Chalk, e-em Purpose scribbled on the w | Not graven in the rock with pen of iron, It may fall | Affrights not the Republic. Amidst the perils that its path environ, But searce to summons of the bravest boy 8, | Or, like old Jericho, to the ny of noise. | Yes; on Pretender’s dead,’

’ and who will ‘throngs, Cry “* "Tong live the—Pretender” ? Courtly | Crafty intriguers, may parade and bow, | But pal = People? Will they deem their | Like to phe am by the old royal line, Or righted by the rule of Right Divine ? What will you do—save scribble and orate ” ere oo 5 — , me!—that strong peesiiematne ts ve waited, and yah 4 Then, then, poses, might — who T 12ers oe - f o ily ways of yore. At present "tle but—ene Pretender more !

ODE ON A DISTANT PARTRIDGE. (By an Absent-minded Sportsman. ) Wet, I’m blest, I’m poets neassy Speechless, I watch that Dird, Saving that I mutter merely One concise, em hatic word— at that is, may be inferred ! English prose is, to S my sorrow, Insufficient for the ead Would that I could freely Ww Expletives from Welsh or Basque— One or two is all I ask! Failing that, let so-called verses Serve to mitigate my grief Doggerel now and then disperses’ Agonies that need relief. __ (Missing birds of these is chief;’) Blankly tramping o’er the stubbles Is a bore, to put it mild; But, in short, to crown my troubles, One mishap has made me ril Driv’n me, like the coveys, wild For at last I flush a paststiee, Ten yards rise, an easy Click! Why, bless me, eh s the cartridge ? Hang it! there, I clean forgot Patting them in ere I shot!

!

Quvery.—Would an ideal barrister be a counsel of perfection ?

eee <a

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OO PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— Sepremnzr 22, 1894. i) Weis Nah her LA FRANC hy IDPE. THE YOUNG PRETENDER. Madame la République. “‘ WHAT WILL; YOU DO—SAVE SCRIBBLE AND ORATE ? WERE YOU INDEED—AH ME!—THAT STRONG MAN ARMED FOR WHOM SO LONG I’VE WAITED, AND STILL WAIT; THEN, THEN PERCHANCE, I MIGHT—WHO KNOWS ?—BE CHARMED TO LILY-GIRT LEGITIMIST WAYS OF YORE. AT PRESENT ’TIS’ BUT—ONE PRETENDER MORE! tse

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Sepremper 22, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL.

141

I find it Beyond all He must Imported the sea-water. THE MOBILISED MANDARIN Or, the March of Civilisation, Anovut the merry Mandarin His fatal gift for humour, hard to pin My faith to every rumour, This war, for instance. Fancy shuts Both eyes and vainly labours To grasp the news that he is nuts On blowing up his neighbours. If so, he threatens to deface, thers at

His right of kinship with a race Whose excellent tradition, Oldest of old traditions, has Time out of mind begun by This rule :— Do not to others as You'd rather not be done by. Ignoring now the ancient bards, have em The doctrine which Ah Sin at cards So darkly demonstrated, When, flush of duplicate Well up his sleeves he Do those whom you will otherwise Be done by :—and he did ’em. Observe this sad example of Western culture ! Symbol of peace, the sucking-dove Knocks under to the vulture ; plies, ’ su slid’em— | And prophets of a prior age Might fairly be astounded To tind the system of the sage Coyructos worze emfvunded ! LADAS! (By a Disguste 1 Backer.) LavAs, Ladas, Go along with you, do. I’m now stone-broke, All on account of you, It wasn’t a lucky Leger And I wish I ’d been a hedger, Though you did look sweet, Before defeat—— But I’ve thoroughly done with you! Scientiric Gossir.—In spite of th: great number of most frequented sea-side resorts there has been no appreciable diminution in either the quality or quantity of our

ee + ioe \~- A J-A.D ae STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. Me. HirroporaAMvus AS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN,

aa prod | IN THE MUSEUM. ’Twas almost dusk ; the galleries win, = alee and th | ere t | Had mes hem talked, and flirted : | Where, armed with buns and cata- | _ logues, The country-bred relations Had critici appraised, despised The art of many nations. | No more the rigid censor viewed With hearty disapproval Athenian statues in the nude, Demanding their removal ; No more the cultured connoisseur, Whom nothing new amazes, The very old designs extolled | In very modern phrases, Yet two remained ; a youth and maid Still lingered in the section | Where E ’s treasures lie displayed For r inspection ; They talked in whispers, and although e subject dear to some is, They did not seem to take as theme e obelisks and mummies. An Art more ancient fer, one thinks, Was that they talked of lightly, Compared with which the hwoary Sphinx Seems juvenile and sprightly ; Young as the very latest tale, Old as the oldest stories, It kept them there, this happy pair, That Art—the ars amoris / | The moments round them seemed to smile, | Ah, long ago, one fancies, Those withered faces by the Nile Had known their own romatces. The old-world gods have passed away, | Osiris lies forsaken, But Love alone retains his throne Unquestioned and unshaken ! |

| Lex Tatronis,—Mr. Lane, turned | speculative law-giver, suggests that we should tax literature. Well, | that’s only quid (or so much in the | * quid”) pro quo ; teeing how litera- ture (lots of it) taxes us. A high | rate on literary rubbish would yield “ pretty pickings,” especially if the ucers were allowed to rate” each other! In this age of sloppiness, sniff and snippets there is a lot of “ literature” which should be tariffed off the face of the earth. TD

purblind, Didst dog a awe,

HELMHOLTZ. Is not permitted—yet ; but Thou on the shadowy track the elusive truth, and seek in| The secret of soul-mysteries Essential Order, Beauty’s Marvels to strike more slaggish souls with CK, 4 } Waar matter titles? Hetwmorrz is a name We welcome the wild wonders they bring Fame! back Leave not a dust-trace on our whirling ball, To Thy work, oh grave-eyed searcher, shall _ endure, Unmarred by faction, from low passion pure, To bridge the gulf ’twixt matter-v Perchance to mortals, dull-sensed, slow, tient, keen, Sovend the ‘ound, law! Great seekers, lonely-souled, explore that Whe ie = Pretend S From ventures stranger than an earthly Pole —SY e ers, shadows | (<n furnish. Distant still that mental goal which great spirits strain; but when calm Fame {name | Sums its bold seekers, Hetmuott, thy great | Among the foremost shall eternal stand, mind | Seience’s pride, and glory of thy land. and | -

“*My dear,” said Mrs. R., *‘ I had to dis- charge my gardener, for when I questioned him about the sale of the vegetables his atswers were far too amphibious.” Seen, Usnarry Taovent By AN IsvaLip. — What a dreadful thing to-become the Per- manent Head of a Department with a Per- manent Headache! EJACULATIONS On being asked to play Croquet, A.D. 1894, “Tt isi ible to visit an of the countr wien ber the fact that t € long-diosedites game of Croquet is fast coming into vogue again. . + This is partly owing to the abolition of ‘ tight eroqueting.’ "— Pall Mall Gazette.) En? What? Why? How? Are we back in the Sixties again ¢ I am rubbing my eyes—is it then, or now ? I’m a Rip van Winkle, it’s plain! Hoop, Ball, Stick, Cage ? Eh, fetch them all out once more ? Why, look, they ’re begrimed and cracked with age, And their playing days are o'er! ; Well—yes—here goes . ‘or a primitive chaste delight ! Let us soberly, solemnly beat our foes, For Croquet ’s no longer *‘ tight” !

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| invent, the A. W. | erities commended my style, and the public let me 142 | ODE FOR THE MARRIAGE) ee | | iri ; J SEASON. IL. “Tr any of you know Cause or impediment.” Cause! I should think I do, That girl to wed I meant! She made me drink the cup Of woe, well-rhaken up With bitter sediment. If I forbid the banns With visage pallid, Ere she’s another man's, And I have rallied, [er anse in bygone days With me she dallied, W.uld my forbidding phrase Be counted valid ” Because her eves would shine Once when I| praised her, Because her heart to mine, When I upraised her From the low garden chair, Reat for a moment's space With sudden, yielding grace While I jast kissd her hair, Which nought amazed her ; S othed her with loving touch, loving, but not too much, When on her little hand The backle of her band Iliad lightly grazed her ? Rlowly our souls between Mists «f reserve crept in I reck’d not, blindly : A ister she became, © chill and veel-like name! A creat deal less than kin, Much less than kindly. Then on the old sweet ways Of thoughtles«, chummy days, Turning severely. Pride, hooded in dislike, Strock as a enske might strike, [Szeremper 22, 1894. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. i= i - 4 v wi ~ a Vin f ONE THING AT A TIME. ’ Well, all is vanity ; She'll disillusion’d be, And I—well, as for me, When these confusions Clear from my brain i t Back in my thoughts I'll stray Where sunbeams ever play On lost illusions. TO A SCORCHER. ’Arry, ’Agry Surrn pe Saurrn, As wheelman you would win renown ! Yon arethe country districts’ pest, You are the nuisance of the town: Y.u’re wan and wild and dust- defiled ; You think you ’re awfully ad- mired. Though winner of a hundred pots, . Your fame is not to be desired. Arry, ’Arry Suita pe Sara, You whirl and whisk about the lands, With shoulders bowed, with low- ered pate, And dull eyes fixed upon your bands. Ou! take some interest in the scene, Love birds that sing and flowers that blow; Try not ‘o be a raere machine, And let the record-squelcher go! A LITTLE Less THAN M‘KINLEy, BUT MORE THAN Unxkinp.—Presi- | dent CLEVELAND has had to allow |the Gorman Act to become law Genial Master (under the poinful necessity of discharging his Coach- | man). “‘I'’m AFRAID, Simmons, WE MUsr PART. Tae FACT Is, I COULDNT HELP NOTICING THAT SEVERAL TIMES DURING THE LAST | without formally assenting to it. | He has had, in fact, to swallow what he would fain reject, an act And, in the public gaze, 'reze me austerely, MonTH You HAVE BeEN—SoperR ; Axp I poN'T BeLIevVE A Maw can | of involuntary political Gorman- ATTEND PROPERLY TO THE Daeink IF HE HAS Darivine To po!” dising which must be unpleasant. THAT ADVANCED WOMAN! A Symposium @ la Mode.) I am much flattered by your kind invi- tation to discuss the Advanced Woman, but an initial difficulty suggests itself to me. Can one diseuss the Advanced Woman if this Advanced Woman her- lf is non-existent’ I am aware, of course, that she has +tridden large of late in the pages of femi- nine fiction, but is she not as extinct (before she has ever existed) as her Dopo title? Let me make my own confession. I have used, if I did not I have secured.a remunerative public. Once on a time I wrote of life as I found it. I used my eyes and ears, and endeavoured to let the world have the result in the old-fashioned, wholesome story. It was a dreary failure. The The Author of \ Saddis Aster” confesses severely alone. Nous avons changé tout cela. A theatrical manager who finds his musical piece hegin to drag, saves the situation by a New Edition—in other words, by two new songs and some fresh dances. In a similar way I secured a reputation by dragging in (at times by her very heel») the Advanced Woman. True that she resembles no one in actual existence, true, indeed, that she is outrageously and offen«ively improbable, but the public were not hsppy till they got her. They ’re happy now. So am I. Mrs. Shriek Shriekon > 4 I should have thought that my views on the Advanced Woman were sufficiently well known ; but, since you ask my opinion, I say at once that I lose no opportunity of inveighing against this fin de-mecle abomination. Once on a time it was not thought un- spear ® becoming for a woman to be modest and retiring. She knew her sphere, and, queen in her own selected world, she did not aspire to a sovereignty which naturally belenged to others. If they were alive to-day (and, after all, some of them are), our grandmothers would hardly know their cranp children—the Heavenly Twins. I am glad that I am permitted to keep burning the sacred lamp of the Old Womanhood. Indeed, it looks as if the jeers which a thoughtless world has hitherto reserved for the Old Maid were being transferred to the Old Woman. Yet to those who have never yielded to the spell of the latter-day notions, there is only dismay in the spectacle of the Advanced Woman sweeping triumphantly on, with her mind full of sex-problems she has not brains enough to understand, and her | breath stained with the trace of cigarettes she does not care to conceal. Wholesomeness dies at being dubbed old-fashioned ; Modesty does not survive the disgrace of not being up todate. It’s a bad world, my masters, and I’m never tired of saying so. Ann U. Woman The fact that you have invited my opinion dreams with full kuowledge of what I shall say, em- of the Future. boldens me to speak out. Man’s day (which, like every dog, he has had) draws to an end. For centuries he has had Woman at his merey. What she is to-day, that he has made her. And what is she? His Doll, his Slave, his ** Old Woman.” But Man made one fatal mistake. In a weak moment he consented to allow Woman to earn her own living. From that moment our ultimate triumph was assured. Now we know our strength. Told of old that we were brainless, we now become Senior Wranglers. Condemned aforetime to inactivity, we now realise that in life's struggle there are no prizes we are not competent to seeure, though, of course, we are not always permitted. We have precipitated our- selves out of a yellow miasma of stagnant sloth into an emancipated, and advanced day. The Advanced Woman has come to stay—but may not with any husband. She will be as free as the air, as strong as the eagle. I must stop, as to do any more fine writi anticipate my next novel. Be sure to get it. It wi [No; I can stand a good deal, but not that.—Eb. ] — would be to be called

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Serremper 22, 1894.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “TRIPPING MERRILY.” Tuart holiday cruise on board the goed Did I dream it ? or was it @ reality? “ It seems y Old Kaspar’s,”—or let us say middle-aged Kaspar’s,—** work was done” pro tem., and he could not neglect so great an opportunity, nor refuse so inviting an invitation as that sent him by Sir Cuartes Cueerte, the to come aboard for the trial trip of the G.S.8. Cannie Donia. 8o I, middle-aged Kaspar, work done as aforesaid, did then and thereby become Tomy the Tripper, and, as such, went aboard the gallant 8S. abovementioned to-the- contrary, nev and notwithstandi And what a goodly company ! Sir CHARLES Lady Cueertre, themselves. Here too was our Topsy, am not down on the official list of guests as ‘Topras,’”’ quoth he. “And why?” I gaveitup. **Be- cause,” says he, answering his own con m, “I am a free and independent scribe, and there is nothing to bias me. Aha!” Thesea air agrees with Tony, M.P. **And where would the Member for Barkshire be,” he asks, pro- ounding asit were another and a tter puzzle, “ but a a bonnie ue? My bark,” he continues gaily, ‘‘may be worse than my bite, bat——’” Here the bugle-call to breakfast sounds, and from ocular evidence I can roundly assert that whatever his bark may be, I will back his bite —and this without backbiting, of pene as I trust, — of == capable—against that of any two of his own size and weight. Yet Tosy en mangeant is not the dog in a manger, no, not by any means! With one eye to the main chance, and another to the coneeneenns comfort of his co- breakfasters, so pursueth he hi steadfast course, as indeed do we all, to the astonishment of most of us, through the shoals of toast and butter; over the shallows of eggs; safely through the Straits ot Kipper and Kurrie; with a pleasant time in Hot Tea Bay; then through a Choppy sea, be- tween the dangerous rocks of Brawn and Bacon ; into the calm Marmaladean Sea, where we ride at anchor and all is well, _After breakfast, the cigar, or pipe, with conversati accom - paniment, what time we pace the quarter-deck. Prognostica- tions as to probable weather are “ taken and offered ” by nauti- ng. ect host and hostess in -P., waggish as ever, “I Za AMY 4 ty age these should be permitted!” an’ they not allowed Fire-arms ? ” cally-attired guests, who, in a general way, may be supposed from | great deal, as he must be their ing costume ‘to know the ropes.” Here is the ever cmualte and truly gallant Sir Perzr Privrat, looki member of the Up: and sailing and voyaging smallest waves by aight tell you their names! One day he will Vatentinge Vourcay, M.P., weighing 1 him, and the myself, * steamship Cannie Donia ! | her how I, a stranger and a Saxon, feel for her. It may lead Are there wisions about ?” express her hearty detestation of these faction-fights, and of these or years ago, and I know it was neither. | Saxon (referring to the shillelaghs). “It’s a shame that such things as Daughter of Erin (plaintively). “ An’ what would the poor Boys use, 43 | | And I eye her with a look wherein admiration is tempered with pity. It occurs to me that I will say something iate, just to ahow er to I say, with a touch deadly fracas with the armed ’ indi a shame,” say I, ** that such of deep indignation in my tone, * It’s things as these”—and I nod ingly at the shi hs which Vorcan, M.P., is twirling et one in each hand, as if right and left were about to fight it out—‘‘ it’s a shame that such things as these should be permitted!”’ The pale, sad, beautiful daughter of Erin, me mournfully, and then, in a tone expressive of astonishment blended with firm remonstrance, she asks,— ** An’ what would the poor Boys use, an’ they not allowed fire-arms?”’ That was all. No smile is on the lips of Erin's pale daughter. She is apparently in earnest, though both Vutcan and myself, talking it over subsequently, unite in opinion that, perhaps, she had availing herself of this rare and unique opportunity of “ get- tiog at” the Saxon, So she went on recommending sticks and photographs, and did a good bit of business with our generous Vutcan, M.P., who re- turned, laden with gifts for various fellow-guests aboard the good 88. Cannie Donia. What amusing nights and de- lightful days! ‘The ladies—bless ’em !—all ing, and ver Barkisses in their perpetua “willingness” to do anything and everything that might give easure and afford amusement. wo fairy-gifted maidens enter- tain us mightily with a capital dramatic sketch of their own com- position ; others follow suit, play- ing the piano; and a sestette per- form, without previous rehearsal glees, madrigals, part-songs, and choruses to popular plantation melodies, under the leadership of that masterly musician Tom ‘Tor- DERKOL, whose only regret is that he has not been able to bring on board with him his sixteen-horse- power-tifty stopped -six teen-pedal organ (designed and made by the eminent firm of Bettows, Blower & Co., at a cost of some few thou- sand pounds), though, as he ex- plains to us, he would have done so, had this musical mammoth compressible within the limits of an ordinary " However, @ propos of organs, we have with us a representative of one of the test organs—of the Press—full of wise saws and modern instances; as jolly as a sandboy, or rather as a schoolboy out for a holiday. A sailor every inch of him, and this is saying a over six feet, and broad in proportion. Appropriate, too, as aboard ‘the craft,” is the presence of the every inch the Great Grand Secretary, Mr. Bensamin Boaz, A.M., P.G.M., &e., &e., ones of Cowes and the still Greater, Grander nows everybody, is JonaTHAN JACHIN, mysterious officers, Else, P.P.M., &c., Sir Arcades ambo, of the Secret Rites of Masonry, fall of nods, winks, becks, wreathed smiles, signs, evenings! What excellent the ha ** toasts” and of thanks” by my Lord Arrripavit, by Sir Poserpow A ViwKto (President of the Anchorite Court), by AwpaEw McJasow (senior of the Argonautic Firm that built the good ship Cannie Donia), and the sprightliest speech of all by Sir Cusnies Round to Falmouth, up the Fal, ‘with our Fal, lal, la,” as singeth our brilliant sestette to piano, or, to quote Sir Jomatuay, “ our P, ,’ 0.” accom t. pn Then.... But “ here break we off.” Some’ P. ighing one of “You might get rath nasty trip that any of us may make, whether involving a or not, - Sok devahtee of Erin worse results than hes thie, of which, ‘she has lost a friend or a lover in one | evermore—I am privileged to write this CaPutet and O’Montacve rows. Poor girl!” | account myself henceforth as Then S'uth'ards | Thus do I briefly make some record of a “‘ trial trip” ; end may ne ave and happi y and gloriously as it has done—and such be - Cannie Donia’s fate = ov THE TKIPPERS.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [SepremBer 22, 1894. | TT Pee) | Yuan) | ym a ee 7 \wG AW) IBLIC i és - : ! BOTTLE RAR | , DEPARTMEN tid bes i — Aw | sa AN IMPORTANT "JUNCTION. You mrxo your Faper ests my Boots Reppy By Four o’ciocg, ‘cos I'm Gor’ To A Party!” Se Writers of verse, here is news to elate you! | A PRINCELY OFFER. * Poets” (the title you value the most), | {To Porrs.—£5 offered for a One-Act Opera Simply magnificent offers await you !- Libretto, subject to « mnditi ma,” &e, — Advertise- Vide this paragraph, cut from the Post. a ee ae 7 Hasten, ye bards (who surely a debt owe Passep are the days when in accents pathetic _ To this M xcgnas, this opulent man), Writers complained of their wage as Hasten with Joy to aed a libretto unjust, Fit to accomplish his excellent plan! Gione are the times when the genius poetic He will fulfil your most lofty ambitions— Struggled in penury, dined on a crust ! Such generosity simply astounds !— You will receive (under certain ‘* conditions” Honour, and glory, and fame, and—fice pounds ! | Nor need they longer, who strive for a) pittance, Grieve if the editors still are remiss ; What though the papers refuse them admit- tance A Parapox or THeatricat Svccrss.—At wate, Goy've afforded such chances as the Criterion very difficult to get into J/ot us ¢ Water. | Or climbing up to see a view, Those verb TIPS. (To a Friendly Adviser.) Wuen starting off on foreign trips, L’ve felt secure if someone gave me Invaluable hints and tips ; Time, trouble, money, these would save me, [’m off; you’ ve told me all you know. Forewarned, fore- armed, I start, instructed How much to spend, and where to go; Yet free, not like some folks “* con- ducted.” Now I shall face, se- rene and calm, Those persons, often . rather pressi For little gifts, with outstretched palm. To some of them I'll give my blessing. To others—"‘ service” being paid— Buona mano, pourboire, trinkgeld ; They fancy Englishmen are made Of money, made of (so they think) geld. The garcon, ready with each dish, Z His brisk “* Vowla, monsieur” replying To anything that one may wish ; His claim admits of no denying. The portier, who never rests, Who speaks six languages together To clamorous, inquiring guests, On letters, luggage, trains, boats, weather. The femme de chambre, who fills my bain ; The ouvreuse, where I see the acteur. A cigarette to chef de train, A franc to energetic facteur. I give each cocher what is right ; know, without profound researches, What I must pay for each new sight-— Cathedrals, castles, convents, churches. From campanile, roof or steeple. tips I had from you Save money tips to other people. Save all those florins, marks or francs— Or pfennige, sous, kreutzer, is it ?— The change they give me at the banks, According to the towns I visit. I seem to owe you these, and yet Will money do? My feeling’s deeper. I’ll owe you an et debt— A debt of gratitude, that’s cheaper. TO SENTIMENT. (Aster a Long Course of Cynicism.) ‘* SENTIMENT is come again.” So says clever Mr. ZANGWILL. Most things tire the human brain ; Mugwump mockery and slang will: Pessimism’s pompous pose, edonism’s virus septic ; Cynicism’s cold cock-nose, ’ Creedless dismals, doubts dyspeptic, All are wearying—being sham. Twopenny Timon tires and sickens. Bitters bore us! We'll try jam! . Back to Lyrron, Hoop, and Dickens? Sorrows of sweet seventeen ? ; Vows that manly one-and-twenty meant! Yes! we’re sick of Cynic spleen. : Let ’s hark back again to Sentiment ! Saccharine surfeit, after all. cy inouath it be a trifle rickly . anges our long gorge of ga Come back, Sentiment, and quickly! |

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PUNCH, OR THE _ LONDON CHARIVARL. — SEPTEMBER 22, 1894 4& BOTTLED IN COGNAC. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. HEERINGS itu CopENHAGEN GieRRY BRANDY. | The Best liqueur KODAK These famous hand or tri | whilst embodying the most advanced ideas | in camera construction, are the simplest -~ most | ace Photographic instru- ments made. Equally suitable for boy or in } hotogr aphy, or photographic expert. | From 1 to roo pictures cam be wate | without recharge. Strongly recommended by travellers in| all parts of the globe. Prices from £1: 6:0 to £223: 1:0. Illustrated Catalogue free on application. Manufactured solely by EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., 115-117 OXFORD ST., LONDON. PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. TO SMOKERS. FLOR DE DINDIGUL, iwBiAN Cada, visite favour and aroma. pe a me me them better than ry vec. 4, 11. Homes of 100, ts. and 2s = ie 4and 5) ® & 74, Strand, & meron, wo sizes \s., post free 12 stamps. ‘SEwLay, 143, Cheapside, London. Est. l7s0 JOHN Bi BRINSMEAD & SONS’ SOSTENENTE PIANOS. Iron Cute root h Frames, Patent Ch Are for Sale, Hire, and ond on the ‘Tours oe operon. 18, JOHN BRINSMEAD & : 2, » and 22, Wienone Sraret, Lowpos, W BEDFORD PLOUGHS. MEDAL | cameras, ri, novice | Beware of the party offering imitations of MACNIVEN & CAMERON'S PENS | rs FLYING SCOTCHMAN PEN. INSTEAD OF A QUILL. ne FAR | AND AWAY THE BEST NICHT LICHTS. ‘@ Single Wicks, burn nine hours each. In boxes containing eight Lights. 8). per box. N.B No water required. FED “ The fastest pens we have ever used."’"—Sronrema®, (dé. and Is. per Box, at all Stationers. Sample Box of all kinds, Is, 1d, by Post Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. CLARKE’'S “ PYRAMID ” Yann ; ; NURSERY-LAMP FOOD- WARMER. S. MORDAN & CO.’S 8/6, 5/-, and 6/- each. LEADS, All with registered Pannikins. FOR REPLENISHING THE PATENT PENCIL. It is most importaut to the public that they —_ y particular attention to this article, none but those of the genuine ‘i, for the oy! of the Patent Pencil depends upon the Leads being of an exact and reer otherwise they will choke up the Point of the pencil, and render it useless. There is no Paraffine or other Dangerous Material used in the manufacture of these Lights. “cLanre’s PYRAMID & FAIRY LIGHT C0., Ltd., CRICKLEWOOD, LONDON, N.W, ‘ eo: ar “e — ast ladad , , Lehhalah Sold only in l-ounce Packets, and 2, 4. S-ounce, and |-tb. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in fine smoking condition. Ask at all Tobacco Sellers’, Stores, &c., and take no other SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED ACAINST IMITATIONS. The Genuine bears the Trade-Mark, “Nottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER’S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, in Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 60, and 100. The following extract from the “ Review or Revizws,” Nov., 1800, is of interest to every Smoker: ome FP’ bgt aE po WORKHOUSE.—The rawn by our He! ~- of io Ale, oe Old screw,” says: “ I have been ws arack with yoar sug: Tine Lent hte or ‘Serwee for Seem php mn ga aD ere fF - anon w foes wich = "aire, judged by the standaras, | a: eive a cohen Pes cies charity, er this ig yours appeals et once to the sympathies of a sl abd tsponsnene euneher. Were | in London. | would at once start a collecting-bos for compels me to be 8 Wasderer round the % for the next nine mon I can, however, lutte, contribute a the Seer SMOKING TOMAUCO, vis, tnerefore, the amount pieture @ poor old pase 00 ge* at an pao d yon 0 eee Pais se the hearts of come of P 4 holaatee from te mortais,as I fund, and levy ¢entributions for it on my smoking ‘acquaintances Yu but, enfortunately, m yu whet PPuaven's NAVY CUT’ (this is not an advertisement). a cheque for TO TRAVELLERS. Messrs. W. D. & H. O. WILLS have pleasure in calling the atten- tion of the Travelling Public to the fact that their “BEST BIRD'S EYE” and “THREE CASTLES" TOBACCO can be obtained in the following Towns in France: BORDEAUX—8 & 10 Passscn Sancer HAVRE—@6 Bourevann pe Srnaspovune LYONS—7 Roe ve ta Rervstiove MARSEILLES—7 Rue pe Noses NICE—Rwve pe Panis. PARIS—i2 Bovirvanp pes Carvcives (Gnaxp Hore). 15 Piace pe 14 Bourse. MONTE CARLO--Piace ov Castro And from the principal Tobacco- nists throughout GERMANY, SWITZERLAND, NORWAY and SWEDEN, HOLLAND, BEL- GIUM, RUSSIA, &o. HOVIS BREAD. HOVIS BISCUITS. H ON | S BREAD. Further perticulars from S. FITTON AND SON, Millers, Macclesfield. For Baby’s Skin | | Scalp | and Hair use Cuticura Soap The most effective skin purifying and beautifying soap in the Sarid, as well as purest and sweetest for toilet and nursery. For distressing eruptions, pim ples, blackheads, scalp irritations, dry, thin, and falling hair, red, rough hands, chafings, simple rashes, and Liemishes of childhood, it is absolute sly incompar able. it the only perfect baby soap. throughout * "rie rw —s Soma, 1 iKiee eel ~ lt Fr n My: om © All about Baby's Skin and Scalp,” free Mothers and nurses pronounce | SUPREME! CLARKE, NICKOLLS & COOMBS’ (Lap.) CARAMELS Ce ee " and “ British " Brands) ARE UNRIVALLED. Aut Ur-ro-Date Conrecrionens Sait Thre R CHILDREW 'D'RIDGES SOOKED Food

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Szprremszr 22, 1894. —ES Ss =| “* Retained when all other Foods are rejected, It is invaluable.” Medical Record. FOOD For INFANTS ~GOLD MEDAL IyTexnatiowaL Heatta Exutsrtion, Lowpon. “ INVALIDS | §- AND “ Benger’s Food is sold At 1/6, 2/6, 5/-, and 10/~, by all Chemists, —— ENJOYED BY YOUNG AND OLD. BIRD’S CUSTARD POWDER Provides not only delicious Cus- tard, but an endless variety of delightful dainty dishes. NO EGGS! NO TROUBLE! THe AGED By Royal Warrants of Appointment to H. M THE QUEEN, E.R.E. The Princess of Wales, 1.1. M. The Empress Frederick, &c egetion Jowunrelld ROYAL SERGES FOR LADIES, CHILDREN, AND CENTLEMEN, And Imperial Dress Materials in the most fashion- able and attractive Plain and Fancy Weavings for AUTUMN AND WINTER. Ladies Patterns lintn Tellor-Made Skirt«, Suits, &c.. made to order Price List, and Self Me-surement Forms fee (,oeds packed for Exportation. New Patterns . Any Length old Cusvinge Paid on Orders of ®. and above to any part of the United Kingdom. Kindly mention this Paper EGERTON BURNETT, woiitsgton, somerset: England Circu!ar-Pointed Pens. _-—_——— GEVEN PRIZE special fample Box for 7 stamps from the Works, BIRMINGHAM. C. Brandauer & Co’s)\ “ Matchless for the hands | and complexion,” Aste Bags | re PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. AKES the Hands white | and fair, the Complexion bright and clear, and the Skin soft and smooth as velvet. “The name Cadbury | on any packet of Cocoa ‘is a guarantee of purity.” Medical Annual. “The typical Cocoa of English Manufac- ture, Absolutely Pure.”’ The Analyst. autos by Witham Stuart Gmith, of No Loraime Road, Saad he Rregtnet Limited, oa, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing 6 , £ : rwe' Per |

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A NEW VOLUME PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. BY THE AUTHOR OF “VICE VERSA,” “YOCES POPULI," &c., &c, A Story in Scenes, by F. ANSTEY, Gomi from “PuNcH,” will be FENDER THE OSE, Reprinted published early ia October, with 15 Page Illustrations, by J. B. Partrines, in a handy Crown 8vo Volume. » — ff y/ N° 2777. VOLUME CVII. —_— ee : + \ a! 4 \ 5 x \ = > ‘ . >\ = ( « ' ¢ ia. ~~ ye 7 \ We af ee Ae” ee i A } - 1 “ ~ x \\ ¥. \ ’ 4 is s ‘£ e oe!) ai ~ *. ‘ . af rat =X a\ (C8 dl pid, | / jit, AR Se |) 4 : : “ Ir 3 | ' . oe = © iy KN ; ? i 7, in | Be N iit i! . IKE | fii! ( ‘ 7 A) Y= ao wih r§ | f cil . AR CAG SUH vf AN WAD hI ae Qe yr" OM al {HAR del (Meal a Se Le “~ ba @ 5 4 q | Vs : »- @ ‘ LONDON. PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, - ° 4 Rist « ‘ ie 4) v 4 Registered at the General Post Office ag a Newspaper. PRICE fHacE PENCE. @@ NOTICE — Rejected Communications or CADBURY'S ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. COCO NO CHEMICALS USED. Contributions, whether Addressed not even whem accompanied by a Stamped and

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SepremBer 29, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 145 THE INVASION OF WOMAN. Wuewn Srrernon shuts the ledger to, Relinquishing his duties. And takes the train from Waterloo For Clapham’s rural beauties He dearly loves en route, we read, ‘To smoke the solitary weed. alas, are opty dashed, For CuLoz, maid provoking ! y enters, un- A game: : e carriage la- I lled ** Smok- His frown, his power- ful cigar, His match—all availing are Yes, Cato comes, and brings no doubt, A friend to talk of fashions, — oe lets his weed go out, prey to angry passions, Which, later on, A ome will be Within the excellent D. 7. Yet grieve not so, ungallant swain, Nor curse this innovation, Or, even if you do, refrain From words like ‘** frequentation,” But really, you should do no less Than cease to curse, and wholly bless. For if the charm this female band Finds in you so immense is, That they contentedly can stand The smell your w i ses, A compliment they pay you then You will not gain from fellow-men ! un- A CERTAIN CURE. (‘ Eating sugarplums is the best cure for mun- dane sorrows.” —A Ladies’ Journal, Sept. 19.} War the sorrows that chasten your e, A cure for them all you will quickly receive, If Pay iwis should prove an unsuitable wife, If children undu cause you to grieve, Just get at the nearest confectioner’s shop, The cheap and the comforting chocolate rop! If the treatise at which you have constantly worked, (Four volumes portraying ‘‘ the Growth of ind,’’) = By editors still is consistently burked, _If publishers still to its merits are blind, You grieve at their foolish perversity ; well, There’s a ad and balm in the sweet caramel. Perhaps you may find—many do—that your debts Are steadily growing, decay, And constant attempts fo increase your By bold speculation soem hardly ¢ y 8 seem y to pay; Though ‘‘ Turks” may deeline, do wha grieve at your plight, But buy, as a substitute, Turkish Delight! In fact, if misfortunes should seem to oppress, [ondare, No longer their burden you'll sadly You ’ll have in the midst of calamity’s stress ,, A certain specific that cannot but cure ; Away with all sorrow!” our teacher Pd arti . ‘ Don't grieve at existence, but taste of its sweels /” while incomes TO ALTHEA IN CHURCH. You weren’t so far off but I knew you, I instantly knew you were there! On my Ancient and Modern I drew you Between the first hymn and the prayer. I’m glad that my eyes keen and quick are, When there are such prospects to see. You ’re looking straight up at the Vicar— I wish you ’d look over at me! You ’ve a hat that is gauzy and shady, Your gown is a delicate grey— So fair and so dainty a lady Ne’er entered the Church till to-day ! Your chaperon quietly dozes. Would I were a wizard, for you! A wave of my wand, and with roses Should suddenly blossom your pew ! ROBERT’S PICTER. By some stordinary mistake on the part of some wery hemenent taker of Poortraits, was last week requested for to go to him and set for my Picter. ; He told me in his letter that his reason for wanting me to set to him was, becoz he wanted to have the Picters of all the Members of the Copperation, and of course they wood not be complete without mine, for tho of course he knew that I was not a real Common Coun- seller, still, he thort that I had left sitch a mark among them by my ten years constant service and unwarying atention to em, that the hole matter woud be wanting in com- eteness if my Picter was omitted, even if it was only as “* Mr. Ropert the City Waiter” a leading off the jon or a ing up the hor | Tremem woney pe re e other ity Picter was pri about a year ago, when the Lozp Mann's three Footmen, all in their werry hansum- est uniforms, was laced exactly in the ront, and i fine hansum fellers, as they undowtedly is, they were thort to have taken the shine outof the hole Picter, but that was in course quite a dif- frent thing, and this new one is to be quite werry diffrent that one, and carried - in Fae ay style altogether, an will, I shoud think, atract such uniwer- sal admiration as will quite cut out the Picter Gallery as was shown at Gildall last summer. Sum few of the werry hansumest of the hole Court as has bin and got taken already, | bin and stuck theirselves up in the Keading Room, and werry proud ee is of their ap- perience, and Brown and Me has got sum of the Atendents to let us go in before the Members comes, and see em privately. Brown says as how as he’s quite sure as there must be sum mistake about me, becoz as he carn't at all see how I shoud fit in with the rest. But there ’s werry little dout in my mind that it’s all a case of gelosy with Browx, who woud werry much . to have sitch a chance. I had my chance of going yesterday, and Ww kind the Gennelman wos who took me, and he took me three times, to make sure of me. He said as I was a werry good Setter, and that everybody woud know who I was b my likenesses in Punch, and lots of peeple woud like to git my Picter, as it was a werry good likeness. Rosert. A TERRIBLE TRANSFORMATION ; Or, Evolution Gone Wrong. [‘‘ It is probable that the butterfly postillion, by an inverse process of evolution, becomes in time the sombre fly-driver.”—James Payn.] On, polychromatic postillion, scoureth the Scarborough plains, And beareth the travel- ling million ‘or infinitesimal gains ; Oh, butterfly, picture thee —there is the rub !— Developing backwards to worse than a grub! It fills me with doldrums and dolour. To picture th and blue 80 Descending to Saatie- bee hue; scarlet ue ; J To dandy-grey russet ; dunducketty dun ! Oh, oy this is painful. You must be in A fly-driver frumpy and fusty ? afer aad > > usty, A horror to ear and to ey A-booming about and crockery, No, no, gentle Payn, this is surely mere mockery. Would Danwiy were here to demoli+h ** Development ” turned upside down. Yon urchin in pink and high polish ed to rain-beaten brown A bu turned a blackbeetle were sad, But pong t to the fate of our postboy, poor e fly - blowing the A Hansom may sink to a “ Shoful,” A racer descend to the rank ; But this m is woeful Is fortune’s most pitiless x Smart urchin in emerald, cobalt, vermilion, Turn fly-driver? Far better die a postillion! MORGENLIED. (By a Light Sleeper.) “ Ye little birds that sit and sing” - Outside m sunnew wasn the dar iodewning. How I like your little necks to wring, I fain would p, with weariness I’m yawning. Although for rest you may not feel inclined, Do cease, I beg of you, that aimless twitter : Try without noise the early worm to find. Vo you seek my rest-time to em- itter has | No doubt you think your maddening cheep . Sweeter eee an is nightingale y linnet, ut, tossing imprecations deep, I do declare I find no sweetness in it. “Higher up! move on!” or stay and hold your tongues, Had I a gun, the twig you’d quickly hop it ; I wish you ’d exercise your little lungs A thousand miles from here. In mercy stop it! The Cyclist’s Cycle. (An Elderly would-be Wheelman's Experience.) Discuss the question,—** Why Cycle aed a ae Ee cyl ount i —Try C ! Home bruised and shivering —Ieol ! Read the Lancet, am horrified,—Shy Cycle ! Sell off at a sacrifice,—Fie Cycle ! And that was the end of my Cycle! VOL, CVI,

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| 146 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 29, 1894.

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\ \ \ \\ \ \) A LITTLE FLIRTATION. Mr. G. “Yes, Miss, | extrmety aceet wits you. ‘Locat Oprion’ 1s—ts—vuM—MORE OR LESS OF AN ImPposTURE.” Miss Harcourt (horrified, appearing in the doorway). ‘‘On! Ma, G.! Mr. G.!!” : “. .« Local option . . . if pretending to the honour of a remedy, is little better than an imposture. . . . I am glad to see that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN is active in your cause,”— Extract from a Letter written by Mr. Gladstone to the Bishop of Chester. See Daily Paper, Sept. 19.)

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“ SepremBer 29, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 147 HERRICK ON RATIONAL DRESS. Yes, “ Knickers” are the pro- per dress Wherewith a Cycle’s seat to press ; Convene and—should you Making aa eo-vediodiaht There ’s moe ee of danger, aye, eS the divided oi. I will not say I wholly like To see my JULIA on a ** bike”: I will not say that I should choose To see Contwwa don the trews; But yet, if either beauty feel That she is bound to cycle- wheel, (Like to a she-Ixion) then, =—— ladies aim to ride like teaches Tis + clear that all experience That it is best to wear knee- breeches And ‘oes the prejudice that ote On acum ous petticoat. | A skirt that catceth erg and ther {ing bare, | And as a stretch of stock- Raiments that ruck, and cause | thereby (fusedly ;— i The wheels move con-| All = be pa follies, | ({menture. | with dual gar- Kak 7 and leggings, by- with. thi unfeigned sim- TO BE suRE!” MAKING THINGS SMOOTH. will mo more bewitch us—on a| Keeper (to Sportsmen, who have just fired all four barrels without touching a! bike’ — Jeather). ‘‘D&ARY ME! UNCOMMON STRONG ON THE WING BiRDs 14, Gen. | Than flowing skirts we now do| TLEMEN ! ‘SronisHING AMOUNT 0’ SHOT THEY CARRIES AWAY WITH 'em | of the Jap. By the Author of 4 ' THE “AUTOMATIC” | CONSCIENCE. [A late report of the Automatic Machine Company says that - | of every twelve coins placed the slot two are bad.) _ Average ** Honest Man” log, :— | Por a penny in the slot ? | That is simply a rot! if I want a Or some butter sete, , you bet, ta n, Tis & bad one!” Bits of tin, wore tickets, discs of Aught. that's rounded and ci wil c ink, mia ps of copper to size, | Tokens, ovunters—all I tries. | Takes a lot o’ trouble, too Te To fake up a reglar “do, on So for nix I often get | Butter scotch or ci; te, t,- it is a splendid joke! I should like to see the bloke fetes — turns ’em cut! Oh a per cent. are shams— or more ! Honest? Wot? Toa ma- chine? You must think me jolly The machine can’t cop or blow ! ‘ | Automatics do not know. | If I pop a “ Frenchy” in, Ora lump of brass or tin, | Who’ 8 to tell that 1 do not ‘Put a yany in the slot ? J vy! a. tn THE Parss,— The Cruelty The Kindness of the Celestial. A LITTLE FLIRTATION. Scene — The ‘‘ Gothenburg Arms,” under new (Municipal) | i licensed for the sale ‘of liquors for the public uae only, Mr. G., an elderly but cheerful and chatty customer, and Miss J OSEPHINE, a smart barmaid, discovered conversing across the counter. Miss Joe b age Why, here is that chirpy old josser again! I wonder, now eu is his little game here ? Mr. G. (aside), Aha! there she is, looking smart as fresh paint! (Aloud.) Good morning, Miss Joszy! How are you, my ear ? Miss Joe, Ah, tha-anks. J’m all right. Mr, G. Which you look it indeed! Just a glass of the usual, my dear, if you please Miss Joe (drawing it). Oh, I thought you’d turned total abstainer | or ie. Mr. G. Dear no! That’s your chaff; you were always a tease. Miss Joe ae. A tease, Mr. G.? Why, I wouldn’t demean myself. t can it matter to me what Dodane _ M Mr. G. Come now, | a Jon, don’t be Miss Joe, Me raspy, indeed ! "Well ye ou saot take the cake! You’ve been awfully down on the Bungs "for a long time, have you and your fri that Miss Harcourt and such. Mr. G. Don’t call her my friend, if you please, dear Miss Joszy. Miss Joe. Ob, come 11 say |— this is a trifle foo much! Were not you and that Lawson, and others, fair pals; Optioners down to the ground, ‘and all that ? Mr. G. (airily), Oh, now I am “freer” and much less “responsible.” Makes such a difference ! Miss Joe. What are you at? Mr. G. Why, my dear girl, this new Gothenburg system always has struck me as quite the sole chance Of escape from predicament truly tees aal only fair pro- mise of real advance. glad to see you so active in aid of it Mr. ¢ ( pettishly). Bother Miss H.! Local Option’s her fad, and ’m fi island, ofl eusee, to it, only, my dear, : The cae limitation of numbers—her idol and Parliament's also for twenty years past— Is all tommy-rot as a remedy ! Miss Joe. Really, my dear Mr. G, ., you are getting on fast. Don’t mean to say you mean “ chucking” Miss H, and the rest of the Vetoers, Witrrip and all ? What will he say? He’ll be giving you beans; and that blessed Alliance will raise a big squall. . Mr. G. “Charge, Custer, charge!” is my Marmion-motto, Lawson and Dawson may kick up a row, But z back you and the Gothenburg system, Miss Jox, and of urse I can own to it—now / | Miss oo Well, I feel flattered! But oh, om Miss H. | | Mr. G. Entre nous, my dear Joz, Local Option, per se, Is just an Imposture!! | Miss H. (who has entered unperceived). Oh, is it? My favourite measure, too! Oh, Mister G.! M ister G.! Call you this backing your friends? ‘And to her too, that minx who was false to you when J was true! Really it’s not safe to leave you @ moment! You naughty old mischief you—come along, do! Friendly Lead for the Owner of ‘‘ Ladas.” Tae Nonconformist Cunseience, which doth mark Poor Parmnose with the ire of an apostle, Will probably consider it a lark To see swift Ladas beaten by a Ti hrostle, Accept the omen, Rosepery ; j turn Mel hedger ; : And try the Bethel blend of “* Saint” * Ledger.” Tae Prea oy THE Party > is said that “ upright writers” avoid scrivener’s cramp. Perhaps so. So Miss Joe (coquetiishly). Oh, Mr. G.! if A iies H. could but hear—! or penman’s But then there is so little demand for upright writers !

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| PRET. 148 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 2 Phill. (demurely). He was being rather sentimental just then, LYRE AND LANCET. Mr. Sreproz, as it happens. Not that he can’t e, when he (A Story in Scenes.) likes. I’m sure if you’ - how he went =i y~ie . ART X _WHAT’S IN NAME? Steptoe (with malice), Not having been privpoged " Scere XXII . P ae wen - = Housshesper’s Room yomnage our friend here could recollect a few of the best and repeat ' 4 Ad . 4 e ot pper- “it % Mrs. Pomrner and Trepweit are at the head and foot of the | “Hiss Dolman. Do, Mr. Unpenswett, please. I do love a good table respectively. Uwspmnsne.t is between Mrs. Pomraet and Miss Purturrson. The Steward’s Room Boy waits. Tredwell. | don’t see Mr. Avams here this evening, Mrs. Pom- What's the reason of that ? Mrs. Pomfret. Why, he asked to be excused to-night, Mr. Taep- WELL. horses here, and he’s helping Mr. Cmeckier en em. To Unpersment.) Mr. Apams is our Stad-Groom, and him and Mr. Cuecxiey, the ’ed coachman, are very fri ly just now. Apams is very clever with his horses, I believe, and I’m sure he’d have liked a talk with you; it’s a pity he’s engaged elsewhere this evening. Undershell (mystified). I him, Ma’am. » himself.) en 2 remember now; conclude that my tastes were equestrian, Perhaps it’s just as well the Stud-Groom te#n’t here! Mrs. Pomfr. Well, he may drop in later on. I shouldn’t be I’m exceedingly sorry to have missed Is the Stud-Groom Mterary, I wonder ? my if you and he h met before. Und, to himself). I should. (Aloud.) I hardly think it’s pro- bable. Mrs. Pomfr. I've known stranger things than that happen. Why, only the other day, a gentleman came it might be yourself, struck me he was looking very hard at me, and by-and-by he says, “You don't recollect me, Ma'am, but I know you very well,” says he. So I said to him, *‘ You cer- tainly have the advan- tage of me at resent, Sir.” ‘* Well, % he says, “‘many years ago I had the honour and privilege of being Steward’s Room Boy in a house where you was Stillroom Maid; and I consider I owe the position I have tince attained entirely to the good advice you used to give me, as I've never forgot it, Ma’am,” says he. Then it flashed across me who it was—‘‘ Mr. Pocxurweron!!!” says I. Which it were. And him own man to the Duke of Dumatesurre! Which was what made it | so very nice and ’andsome of him to remember me all that time. Und. ( perfunctorily). It must have been most gratifying, Ma’am. To himself.) 1 hope this old lady hasn’t any more anecdotes of this highly interesting nature. I mustn’t neglect Miss Pariirrson— especially as | haven't very long to stay here. [ He consults his watch stealthily. Miss Philliy son observing the action). so slow here; it’s not very polite of you to show it quite so openly though, I must say. [She pouts. Und, (to himself). I can’t let this poor girl think mea te! But I must be careful not to go too far. (7v her, in an undertone which he tries to render unemotional.) Don’t misunderstand me like that. If I looked at my watch, it was merely to minutes that are left. In one short half hour I must pass out of your life, and you must forget—oh, it will you—but for me, ah! you cannot thin a heart entirely unscathed. gratefully, regretfully, on —— a | ~~ y for that I shall carry away ) Believe me I shall always 1x You see some of the visitors’ coachmen are putting up their | tertain them. | objection to repeat what he said. I allowed Miss Putiiipson to!)

** He suttingly didn’t give me the impression of being a Gentleman.” I’m sorry you find it) | anywhere! |ever, Miss Pariurpson ! count the Law, she did laugh. t Und. (crimson). I you really must excuse me. . I said nothing worth repeating. I don’t remember that I was particularly—— __ Stept. Pardon me. Afraid I was indiscreet. We must spare Miss Puttiirson’s blushes by all manner of means. Phill. Oh, it was nothing of that sort, Mr, Srerroz! J’ve no He called me a little green some- thing orother. No; he said that in the train, though. But he would have it that the old cab-horse was a magic steed, and the fly an en- chanted chariot ; and I don’t know what all. (As nobody smiles.) It sounded awfully funny as Ae said it, with his face perfectly solemn like it is now, I assure you it did! _ { Stept. (patronisingly). I can readily believe it. We shall have you contributing to some of our yumerous periodicals, Mr, Unprr- SHELL, Sir, before long. Such facetious talent is too good to be | lost, it reelly is. 4 Und. (to himself, writhing). I gave her credit for more sense. To make me publicly ridiculous like this! , [Me sulks, Miss Stickler (to M. Ripevos, who suddenly rises). Mossoo, you ’re not going’ Why, what- ever’s the matter ? M. Ridevos. Pair- meet zat I make my depart. Iam et at z: art. [General outery and sensation. Mrs, Pomfr. (con- cerned), You never mean that, Mossoo? And a nice dish of —_— just put on, too, that they haven’t even touched upstairs! M. Rid, It is for zat I do not remmain! Zey ’ave not toch him; my pyramide, result of a genius stupend,énorme! to zem he is nossing; zey retturn him to crash me! To-morrow I demmand zat Miladi accept my demission. Ici je souffre trop ! [ He haves the room precipitately. Miss Stick. (offering to rise). It does seem to have upset him! Shall I go after him and see if I can’t bring him round ? Mrs. Pomfr. (severely). Stay where you are, Harriet; he’s better left to himself. If he wasn’t so wropped up in his cookery, he’d know there’s always a dish as goes the polne parka ol without why or wherefore. I’ve no patience with the man! Tred. (philosophically). That’s the worst of ’aving to do with Frenchmen; they’re so apt to < ay with a sutting childishness that—(checking himself)—1I really ask your on, Mamsell, I quite forgot you was of his nationality; though it ain’t to be won- ered at, I’m sure, for you might pass for an Englishwoman almost Mile. Chiffon. As you for Frenchman, hein ? Tred. No, ’ang it all, Mamsell, I ’ope there’s no danger o’ that ! (To Miss Partirrson.) Delighted to see the Countess keeps as fit as Wonderful woman for her time o’ life! give the Bishop beans at dinner, and no mistake ! dyship is pretty generous with them to most people, I’m sure I’d have left her long ago, if it wasn’t Tred. She don’t favour her ma, I will say that for her. By the way, who is the party they brought down with them? a youngish Phill. Her Mr. TREDWELL. | for Lady Matste—who is a lady, if you like! Phill. (hending her head with a gratified little giggle), 1 declare | looking chap—seemed a bit out of his helement, when he first come in, you 're beginning all that again, I never did see such acure as you are. | though he’s soon got over that, judging by the way him and your b l'nd. (to himself, displeased), 1 wish she could bring herself tu take me a little more seriously. to be called a ‘* cure ”—whatever that is, Steptoe \considering it time to interfere). Come, Mr. Usversne.. all this whispering reelly is not fair on the company! You mustn't hide your bushel under a napkin like this; don't reserve ail your sparklers for Miss Pariurpson there. Und. (stiffly). 1—ah—was not making any remar« that could be deseri bed asa sparkler, Sur. I don’t spark e, I can not consider it a compliment | him in the bus, I expect. Lady Raopa, Miss Dotman, was ’obnobbing together at table! Phill. Nobody came down with my ladies; they must have met What is his name ? Tred, Why, he give it to me, | know. when I enounced him; but it’s gone clean out of my h again. He’s got the Verney Chamber, | know ‘hat much; but what wa: his name again? I shall forget my own next. Und. (involuntarily). In the Verney Chamber? Then the name must be SPcrREL!

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Sepremper 29, 1894.] __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 149 Phill, (starting). Spurnet.! Why, I used to— But of couree | ad wt by ad the though. (With ‘ul Tred, SPURRELL was wth a resent la marge, Chongh (With « resentful glare | stp ct aut rom —that his name | I wish this infernal Boy woulda’t be| at Unpersnety.) I don’t Und. Why, the fact is, I ceires an admonitory drive in was SpuRRELL. (Zo himself.) so officious ; but perhaps he’s right! Tred, Ho, indeed! Well, another time, Mr. Hunprasuk1t, if you | require information about parties sta with Us, p’r’aps you it be good enough to apply to me y, instead of aes it up in some ‘ole and corner fashion. (UNDERSHELL controls his indignation with difficulty.) To return to the individual in question, Miss Putitpson, I should have said myself he was something in the artistic or littery way; he suttingly didn’t give me the impression of being a Gentleman. Phill, (to herself, relieved), Then it isn’t my Jem! I might have known he wouldn’t be visiting here, and carrying on with Lady Ruopas. He’d never forget himself like that—if he has forgotten me! Stept. It strikes me he’s more of a sporting character, Trepwet. | know when I was circulating with the cigarettes, and so on, in the hall jast now, he was telling the Captain some anecdote about an old steeplechaser that was faked up to win a Selling Handicap, and it tickled me to that extent I could hardly hold the spirit-lamp steady ! Tred. I may be mistook, Srepror. All J can say is, when me and JAMES was serving cawfy to the in the drawing-room, some of them had got ’old of a little book all sprinkled over with silver cutlets, and, rightly or wrongly, I took it to ’ave some connection with ’im. Und. (excitedly), Pink and silver! Might I ask—was it a volume of poetry, called—er—Andromeda ? Pred. (erushingly), That I did not take the liberty of inquiring, Sir, as you might be aware if you was a little more familiar with the hetiquette of good Serciety. [ UNDERSHELL collapses ; Mr. ADAMS enfers, and steps into the chair vacated by the Chef, next to Mrs, Pomrret, with whom he conrerses. Und. (to himself). To think that they may be discussing my book in the drawing-room at this very moment, while-I—I—— (He chokes.) Ah, it won’t bear thinking of! I must—I mill get out of this cursed place! I have stood this too long asitis! But I won’t go till I have seen this fellow SpukREtt, and made him give me back my things. What’sthetime?...ten! I can poet last. (He rises.) Mrs. Pomrret, will you kindly excuse me? I—Ifind I must go at once. Mrs. Pomfr. Well, Mr. Unpersnett, Sir, you’re the best judge; and, if you really can’t this is Mr. Apams, who'll take you round to the stables himself, and do anything that’s neecssary. Won’t you, Mr. Apams ? Adams, So you’re off to-night, Sir, are you? Well, I’dratherh.’ shown you mane by daylight, myself; but there, I dessay that won’t make much difference to you, so long as you do see the ’orse ? Und. (to himself), 80 Deerfoot’s a horse ! e of the features of Wyvern, I suppose; they seem TT anxious I shouldn’t miss it. I don’t want to see the beast; but I daresay it won’t take many minutes; and, if I don’t humour this man, I shan’t get a convey- ance to go away in! (Aloud.) No difference whatever—to me. I shall be delighted to be shown Deerfoot ; only I really can’t wait much longer ; I—I ’ve an appointment elsewhere ! Adams. Right, Sir; you get your ’at and coat, and come along with me, and you shall see him at once. (UnpersHe.t takes a hasty farewell of Miss Purtiipson and the company generally—none of whom attempts to detain him—and follows his gui: As the door closes upon them, he hears a burst of stifled merriment, amidst which Miss Puitirpson’s laughter is only too painfully recognisable. A TRUST TO BE TRUSTED. [It is proposed to form a “ Trust for the Preservation of Beautiful or H istorical Places. ad “A THIne of beauty isa joy for And tramplin ever!’ [you were, and er; would quickly mar " Avan nie Te {i \i yee — ENHANCED VALUE. "Arry. ‘Wat sort oF A JoB’8 THAT You'’vVE Gor AT Basen | Burtpineos, ALF?” | Alf. “JOLLY "ARD ; ALL THE MESSAGES AND PARCEIA FROM THE Tor oF THE 'Ovse TO THE BASEMENT GO THROUGH ME; AND I'm ONLY GerTine Tuixty Bos a Week!” ‘Arry. “TLL YER WHAT, OLD MAN, You'"D COMMAND DOUBLE THE Money IF YOU WAS FITTED UP WITH A Lirt AND A SreaKtn’ TUBE!” “LOST RINGS.” Sin,—I have seen some letters in the Daily Graphic on the above subject, A much more curious thing ed to me on April 1, 1887, at twenty-five minutes past ten in the morning. I d a pin about four yardsfrom the south-western corner of the Marble Arch. It is almost incredible that exactly tess Poste later I picked up a pin, at 4.17 in the afternoon, three yards and seven and aquarter inches to the south-east of the Humane ety’s Receiving House. I have studied carefully the levels of the ground, the flow of the surface water, and the direction of ae pore air currents, and I am reluctantly forced to the conel that it was not the same pin. Had it been, I should have found it five and a half inches fu Cockney Goth | lof war. | Piccadilly Cireus to Charing Cross. Getting down hastily, when | north. The question now is, whose pin was it?—Your obedient servant, Screntivic LwvesricaTtor. Dear Srx.—Some weeks ago I rode outside an omnibus from Nay Keats, sweet bard, earnest More than the devastating tread | found that it went on to Westminster instead of the City, I left But “Things of Beauty” will not Such to preserve, with all their long be “* joys” boys;| winning beauties, _[(dnties,— If left to jerry- builders, and Is surely Civilisation’s first And ’Arky’s knife, and the fern- e from ravage of the rash . digger's trowel, bowel cheap-tripper, U to disfigure and to disem- Or wanton e of ’Axry the Art’s masterpieces and dear Na- _cheek-chipper qeus ture’s charms And nose-disfigurer, with his Pot Will work on Beauty’s world de-| or "TrLpER, f structive harms. Or wreckage of the Speculative } to —~y that = still So pee vy y oT om monk’s sandal [vulgar Vandal _ thou y Trust! Brake only, spots there are the Wishes pow ah to the aR. [ Builder. | | behind a large grey parrot in a cage, a siphon of soda-water, and a | St. Bernard dog. Yesterday, when I climbed on to an omnibus of | following the same route, | found my cage, my siphon, and my dog! It was the same omnibus, and the faithful beast was still there. Unfortunately the parrot and the soda-water were not, for the sagacious animal had evidently made use of them to sustain life, not very satisfactorily, for he was a mere skeleton. Yours obediently, Constant Reaper. Dear Ma. Poncu,— Last evening I went out to dinner, and put my one lateh-key in my pocket. Marvellous to relate, on my return home at three a.m., I took tt, as I thought, from my pocket. and found that it had become two! Yours faithfullv, Boosey Trre.

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“EHEU FUGACES—” }‘ AND wave You met my Frarenp Lity Macpuerson in Giascow! *' Paerry, GRANDM«MMA! “An we! Way, suHe’s as Fart As Forty Yrars po CHANG® A GIRL!” How PRerry wk THOUGHT HER! ” CAN BE, AND RED-FACED, AND NO TeeTa

JAP THE GIANT-KILLER. (Fragment of a Tale of New Jap as told around a Fire-Brazier in Dai Nippon.) . . e Once upon a time in the Happy Dragon-fly shaped Land of the Rising Sun there lived a little hero nam ap. Small he was, but valiant as Taxf-wo-vcnt-no-sukonf himself of the long life and many-syllabled name. He was a dead hand at dragon slaying, and had killed more tigers than Hapfésv. He could exorcise Oni like one o'clock, these demons or imps having an exceeding bad time of it when Jap was, as he would term it, “on the job.” In fact, his exploits were the favourite topic of talk when young and old gathered around the hibachi, or 4re-braziers, to list to tales of heroism, filial piety, and Pro-Gress. Pro-Gress wax the name of the great new goddess of whom Jap wasa votary. From her he had received the gift of a new “sword of sharpness,” which would not only, like the gift of the triple-headed Cornish giant, ‘‘ cut through anything,” but would make all enemies cut like anything. Little Jar, having acquired this wonderful sword, compared with | which that which Nrrra threw into the rea was a mere oyster-knife, was naturally desirous of using it. He kept it as sharp as that of the great demon-queller Su6-x1; but the demons he quelled with it were the great obstructive ogres known as Kon-serva-tism, | Fogi-ism and Pre-ju-dice. Jar gave those antiquated bogies | beans. The Tengus and Shé-jos had a bad time of it, you bet, and | the * bag’ of Dragons, or Tatsus, Jap could show after one of his | regular ‘‘}attues” was a caution to Saurians, I can assure you ! He had a « Jlection of Tatsu-teeth that would have the envy of Capmus, and given Jason a high-toned job. As to that terrible wild-fowl, the Ho-ho bird, with “* the head of a pheasant, the beak of a swallow, the neck of a tortoise, and the outward | semblance of a dragon,” Jap, with his “‘gun of swiftness” (another gift of hix favourite goddess) knocked the Ho-hos over right left, as though they were really pheasants in a swell British preserve ; and it was commonly said that when Jar had a day among the Ho-hos, there | was a glut in the Toyoakitsu poultry market for a fortnight after. Rat Jap, in time. grew tired of the common or cherry-garden Ho-ho and aweary of such small sport as mere furnish. He yearned like an An _Now there was an ugly. Kamioori, the T dragons cou glo-Indian Shikari for big game ! but i i as enormous giant, fierce- hunder-god, old as Urashima, the Kami-no-kuni ws

| Rip Van Winkle, strong as Asaina Saburé, the Dai Nippon Her- |eules, big as Fusi-yama, ‘‘the matchless mountain,” rich as the | Treasure Ship. laden with Ta-kara-mono (or ‘‘ Precious Things”’). |stubborn, stolid, and unprogressive as Kamé, the hairy-tailed | tortoise, himself. This tremendous Tartar-Mongolian Blunderbore |had a number of fine names, of flowery flavour and Celestial | swagger-omeness, but we wiil call him Jon-nt, for short. Now Little Jav hated Big Jon-n1, and Big Jon-n1 disdained Little Jar, as indeed he disdained evervbody else save his conceited and colossal self. Jap curled his lip at Jon-n1; Jon-n1 put out his tongue at Jap like a China figure; when the duodecimo hero bit his thumb at the elephantine Celestial, the elephantine Celestial cocked a snook at the duodecimo hero. This could not last. Little Jap was ambitious to try his sword of sharpness and his gun of swiftness upon big game. He cried, ‘‘ By the heroic Hidésato who slew the giant Centipede, I will have a slap at this bouncing Bobadil of a wooden-headed, grandmother-worshipping, old Stick-in-the-mud !” Some of his more timid friends tried to dissuade him. ‘* Beware, Jap,” they cried, ‘‘ this Chinese Blunderbore is too big for thee!” “Pooh!” retorted the undaunted Jap. ‘‘ hemember —— ‘the valiant Cornishman Who slew the giant Cormoran.’ Am I not as big as Jack now, and as fit to play the Giant-killer ashe? Toobig? Why, the overgrown monster is like the Buddhist Daruma, who, ‘ arriving in China in the sixth century, at once went into a state of abstraction, which extended over nine years, during which time he never moved; and as a result lost the use of his legs.’ Only Jox-N1 been ‘in a state of abstraction’ for nine centuries instead of nine years, and has lost the use of his head, as well as his legs! He hates and scorns my tutelary goddess, Pro-Gress, I will try the effect of her gifts upon him! Here goes!!!” > > . . . - His admiring friends dubbed him ‘“‘Jap the Giant-Killer” at once. And, indeed, when he “‘ went for” that clumsy Colossus, who in physical proportions out-Chang’d Cuane himself, the result of the round, in which the swaggersome Jon-n1t was fairly beaten to his knees, seemed to justify the title. But giants are not usually ‘* knocked out” in one . and—well, my . ws | Jap’s further fortunes in his fight with Titan Jon-w1, may furni ial for further narrative when next we the glowing hibachi to tell tales of Jap the Giant-Killer!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szrremper 29, 1894. | \\\ Hid fl Gr 7 ill / Oy \\ \\ . \\ WW h) \ sae 4 ' | \ WS *\ \ IN) RAN COPE ; xs \\ ANN i) .) \' 0 \ \t TN) : \y \ 49 ’ ) NN \ .) Sy \ \ Na \) » y “WY )\ Y a WEN i \ a “BWAIN So —_— JAP THE GIANT-KILLER.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 153 She (whose train has suffered), ‘Oa, DON’T REPAY ME. | A SEA-QUENCE OF SONNETS. (Supposed to have been ‘‘ written in Mid-Channel,” See published Works of Alfr-d A-st-n.) I, Tats is the sea that t Barrawyta rules! The waves salute their mistress, Still I see Far in our wake the white cliffs of the free. Arise, O Samnpest, blow, disturb these pools ! Ye waves, I love you! Let the puling fools Prate as they will, but let me ever be Tossed on your foaming crests, I shout with glee. While the North wind my poet's forchead cools, 0 ety de sailors, I am of your kin: too have in my blood the scorn of fear That faced the storm, what time th’ embattled din {cheer Broke on Trafalgar, and an answering From British throats proclaimed, ** We win ! we win |!” Dear me, what’s this? Ahem! feeling queer. I’m No, no, it shall not be - the wet's eye Shall ne flash fire, his | ames shall never fail, Though round about him, blanching in the e, His fellows falter—— Waves, be not too igh ; [me dry, Mere height proves nothing. Leave, oh leave Down, waves! Down, fluttering heart! Why should I quail ? Here in the packet of the Royal Mail [ tread the deck and do disdain to fly. Bat ah, what pangs are these? No, no! — yes, yes !— Again I say it shall not be—no, no! — At least not yet—but yet I do confess A craven yearning draws me down below. Curst be the words in which I erst did bless AFTER THE BALL. He, “How can I EVER REPAY YOU FOR THAT DELIGHTFUL WALTz, Miss GotienTLy ? Serre wits MY Daressmaker!” LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. Tue Srreer. Saturpay Nien. (By an Eye-witness.) On a Saturday night, in a crowded street, (The Butcher said ‘“‘ Buy! Buy!”) Blue apron and cleaver and all complete, Surrounded with joints of the primest meat, Beef, mutton, heads, carcases, tails and feet, The Butcher said ** Buy! Buy!” A succulent chop on the counter lay (The Butcher said ‘Bay! Buy !”) hen a Terrier, seenting an easy prey, Observed to himself, ** What a fine display !” And he cocked his eye in a sapient way — The Butcher said ** Buy! Buy!” The Terrier jumped through the open sash ; (The Butcher said ‘* vy 4 Buy !”’) To his infinite credit—he had no cash Away with the chop like a lightning flash. (The Butcher, by way of a change, said ** Dash!” The Terrier said **‘ Bye! Bye!” Tip for a Trundler. (Cn the OF Season.) Cricket is over; the Summer fails Do you feel rather out in the cold, Sir? Well have a shy at “ essional bails” : And the Public will ery, ‘‘ Well bowled, Sir!” The towering billows—— Steward! yo, heave, ho! | 1, | Was it for this I left the plearant strand Of England, and the leafy country lanes, The ploughs, the cattle, and the creaking wains ? Ye sounds that only poets understand, | Of sheep-bells tinkliog o’er a sunny land, Was it for this I left you, for the gains Of dew-sprent brow and deep internal pains, | Of feeble voice and nerveless clammy hand ? | Never again shall ocean with his roar | Attract me from the firm-built homes of men. | Let others steer from shore to farthest shore, | Climbing the liquid hills that now and then Break and o’erwhelm them—1 shall roam no more | Once landed on old Dover Pier again. THE PROFESSOR OF THE PERIOD. Wuen Davummonp wrote of the Ascent of an, He did not think of the Descent of Woman | Upon his poor doomed head. The Assyrian | Did not “come down” with wrath more superhuman, Or more like a fierce wolf upon the fold : Mrs. Lynn Linton, sweetest mannered scold That ever heresy to judgment summoned, Hath’ had her dainty will, and drummed out Deummonn! Give us a gentle lady, without bias, To’play Apollo to a new Marsyas!

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| 18az GuaaVv NV SAYG ZSOHL 40 ONINIVIG GNVIHOIF, FHL OL ZAVO BOIHA STONVISWAOU/) NAASRAOAN() N¥IAO AURA AUB], ‘Sd33d OINOLSIHSYd [Serremper 29, 1894. Ap ~ eg. tj SS Ae es a 4} ; 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

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SerpremBer 29, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI BOWL ME NO MORE! (An Unlucky Batsman’s Lament after a Season of Slow Wickets.) Atn—‘“‘ Ask me no more.” Bow me no more: the man may draw the stumps ; The rain may swoop from heaven and swamp the’ crease ; In folds of baize the bat may lie at peace ; But oh, too fond of yorkers, breaks and bumps, Bowl me no more! Bowl me no more: ‘tis dark at half-past five ; The misty light betrays the keenest eye. O Cricket, autumn bids thee die! Bowl me no more: Football is all alive ; 1 me no more! Bowl me no more: bat's fate and ball’s is seal'd. I strove to make my , all in vain: Like a great river ran the ceaseless rain And spoiled the wickets. Lo, I leave ‘the field Bow] me no more! A DAY’S RIDE, A LAW’S ROMANCE. (A Story of the Long Vacation.) “Mr. Barercess,” said an eminent solicitor to me the other day, “I want you "to go to East Babbleton, in Guiltshire, to se if the Great Gooseberry Will case is still open. It is a matter of vital importance, and I shall be glad if you can attend to it | to-morrow.” Referring to Portinctow, I found that my diary was clear fir I expressed the day specified, an ex ness to carry out my | client’ 8 Pam ong “[ must know at once,” continued the gentleman, ‘* because 1) desire to bring the matter before the Vacation Judge on an origi- nating summons. I need ooareny add, that you will get the fullest particulars from the my Although rather dimmer i ot Eistrasted, I determined to visit East Babbleton. The us sources of railway information led me to believe that the Ee was six or seven miles distant from Nearvices in Guiltshire. I determined to goto Nearvices, takiag with me my two | lads (home for the holidays), Gzorcx Lewis HeascHect and Epwakp | CLrarke Rorsett. Before now I Christian names have been selected with a view to assisting (in after years) their professional advancement. We had to start at an unusually panionsbip of some ~~ rw ® who roots” for a quarter of a day, arri e talked about ** duck arrived at Nearvices at eleven | o'clock. I made at once for Red Lion, the principal hotel in the town. My sons followed me, eager for breakfast. Until then, they had satistied their appetite by the —_ consumption ot about half-a-pound of a sweetmeat that is, lieve, known as J roy Almond Rock. d Lion” was in a state of great commotion. There were people in high hats at the door, pl in high hats looking out of coffee-room window, enki hats thronging the h With some trouble my lads I got our breakfast, then I asked for the ostler. He came to me after a pause and awaited my orders I want a trap to take me over to East Babbleton,”’ I said ; should like to know how much it will cost.” “Very sorry, Sir, but I can’t do it for y All the cumtages fo the house are hired, You know, Sir, Miss Suirn is goin — and consequently you can’t ‘get ry conveyance for ney. explicit seriou-ly annoyed, as the instructions of my client were ‘I really must get over,” I said emphatically; “surely Miss ae can lend us one of he gesagm You might ask her fature husband. ** Can’ at do at, lh ” the ostler ; ‘‘ fur we none of us know can be done for you. Could you drive im, However, ry el ’ sh “It would aya faa pe eo fats twp - +4 pe of, — ell, I will have a shot at it,” I oben] cal ugh truth to tell I am little rusty. I have not driven for some time.” ostler eyed me rather Oy Lae ym I then thought it my ‘duty to reprove my sons for ‘{ll-timed levity, e tha thei age to my care t have caused the ostler to care, ut you have never += i your life?” said Gzoncz Lewis cennct say thel T bere” I replied, with thet truthfulness characteristic of uy dealings in tho deustetio cinde. the ode or 7) I cannot which is the early hour from ee and after fioving the om | and | entrust his | exerti SELF-EVIDENT. ‘*WaoaT WAS THAT Nose I HFARD JUST Now?” ‘On! | was BLowiIne up MY Senvant!” ‘May I ask way?” “WELL—AW—YOU SEE HE I8 SUCH A CONFOUNDED The Colonel, His Nephew. The Cvlonel, His Nephew. Iprot!”’ The Colonel, ‘Bot DID IT NEVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT IF HE WEREN'T SUCH A OOXFOUNDED IDIOT HE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN your Servant?!” ** Oh, what a game!” shouted Epwakp Crake Kvsse ct, roaring with laughter. Severely chiding my offspring, I proceeded to the hall dor, The ostler had been as good as nis word, There was c tainly a conveyance. “It is not very showy, Sir,” said the proprietor; ‘* but I think it will last a dozen of miles or so.” It was a small dog-cart, which conjured up visions of the toy _waggon-and-horse department in the Lowther Arcade. ere was a ‘horse in the shafts. The harness was imperfect, and the collar | showed its straw. However, a my seat, and the bovs got up beside me, Then, amidst wishes of the wedding party watching our progress, I started. The horse immediately took up a course over the pavement, and no doubt aware that the illumi- nating Bg 5 eee ee was native, ey - carry with him a p- e @ pavement in the middle of the road, and were fairly ** off.”’ oe Ite boys laugh an any more,” I said, with the utmost severity, “*T will turn you out and leave you.” “But Papa, if mother could only see us!” cried the me a then they indalged in apparently unextinguishab!e of merriment. I had no farther time for remonstrance, as the brute of # horse its pace toa mad a dust-cart was just in Hast Babbaton*” T ane, to explain my rather pope " An I a aon ae right road ?” The dustman looked at me, at and answered in the affirmative. 5 a hill, I got down and led the horse by its bridle. The brute sonented the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Szprempgr 29, 1894. THE CUT DIRECT. Scenzr—A Norfolk Beach, Mr. and Mrs. Wavely (retwrning to their tent), “‘ Au, Ma. McVicar! You REMEMBER MEETING US AT PITLOCHRIE LAsT AUTUMN, DON'T you ' ’ Mr. McVicar. “I REcoLLECT YouR FACES PERFATELY WELL, Sik ; BUT YELL EXCUSE ME OBSAIRVIN’ THAT THE PRAISENT CIRCUM- STANCES ARE VERRA, VERRA DIFFERENT!” [ Pasees on. attention. So far as I eould judge, without being an expert in horse-flesh, it seemed to me to be suffering from tooth-ache. It shook ite — when I touched it, and appeared to be disinclined to go further. ‘Do get in, Papa,” raid Epwarp Crarke Russert, “ Perhaps he will go all right if you leave him alone.” Adopting my son’s advice, I mounted the cart, and once again jerked the reins. The beast began at a trot, and then, as before, commenced a mad gallop. We rapidly left Nearvices behind us, and brought ourselves to a stop in front of a haystack. “You see,” I said, “* the brute is open to reason. It was stopped by an obstruction. Seeing the futility of further progress, it desisted in its running.” ‘But iook, Papa, at that,” cried Geornce Lewis Herscuet, pointing to what seemed to be the remains of a coal cart. The wheels were off, the black diamonds were scattered about in all directions, and the shafts were broken. ** Was that an accident?” I asked an old man who was lighting his pipe. The venerable individual paused, looked at the pipe, looked at the pieces of the cart, and locked at me. Then he rubbed the right side of his head with the palm of his right ** Well, yes, it was,” he admitted, in an accent I cannot reproduce ; but added, in a tone that suggested that mishaps of a simi arac- ter oceurred on the average every five minutes; ** but that accident happened near an hour ago.” This intellige nee rather damped my ardour, and I immediately got off the cart and insisted upon leading the brute down the next hill. The animal protested, and shook its head. Remembering its possible tooth-ache, I treated it with inereased courtesy, telling it to “*Gee-up” and “ be a good horse.” I am creature did not seem inclined to acknowledge my kindness. Having come to a level piece of road, I once more mounted into the Lowther Arcade dog-cart, and urged on my partially wild career, I had passed a four-winged post at cross roads, and had followed the sign pointing to “ Babbleton.” I had got safely up to a farm-house, having restrained en route an inclination on the part of my horse to commit suicide by jumping over the parapet of a bridge into a small mountain torrent. ** Is this the way to East Babbleton ?” I asked a rather cheery, rosy-cheeked dame, who had been watching our manwuvres with : kindly smile, not entirely exempt from good-natured appre- enelon. **No, this is not the road, Master,” she returned, in the same unapproachable dialect. ‘* You ought to have borne to the left when you came to the cross-roads.” Seeing that I had to go back, I seized each of the reins and called upon my beast of a horse to make an effort. The noble animal answered bravely to the call, and managed to turn round on a space of turf about the size of a waggon wheel. It was really a very clever verformance, and had it been seen by Mr. Krrewre, I fancy would yave secured for us a luerative engagement for a “ side show”’ at the Royal Westminster Aquarium. “Well, that was a shave surely,” said the dame of the cheery countenance ; ‘‘ when I saw your off wheel go up in the air and hang over the ditch I thought it would be all up with ye.” Accepting the compliment with dignified geniality, I asked our fair critic if she could bait our horse. “* Well, I can give him a handful of hay,” said the lady; ‘* but I would not take him out of the shafts for worlds, If I untied him I could not put him together again.” Refreshed by the nourishment, our steed started again, and after retracing our steps and nearly upsetting a hay cart, and narrowly running down a pig, we reached East Babbleton in fairly good condition. I looked at my watch and found that we had done the six miles in two hours and a quarter. Having transacted my business, I now turned the nose of my steed homewards, I had noticed with some alarm that I had only an hour to get back to Nearvices if I wanted to catch the train for London. This being so, I saw it was absolutely necessary that I should act with decision. I held a council of war with my two sons, and we came to the conclusion that we must get back as fast at we could, and when there was a difficulty, risk it. We entered our conveyance and started. I shall never forget the experience. It was absolutely delightful. Giving Flora (I came to the conclusion that my steed with the tooth- ache must have been called Flora) her head, | urged h er to | as rapidly as possible. The mare promptly answered to the call. I said “‘ chick,” and she started off at a mad gallop. We absolutel flew up-hill, down-hill, and would no doubt have entered ‘‘my lady's chamber” had not the adjoining cottages been oceupied by rustics. At our approach children, ducks, dogs and gipsies fled in terror. We boldly cannoned against waggons and shook milestones to their very foundations. I had long since forgotten my nervousness, and had assumed an air that would have _ becoming in an individual nicknamed (let us say) ‘‘ down the road Billy.” I urged Flora to * gee up,” by suggesting that “‘ five o’clock tea” was waiting for her on her arrival at Nearvices. My two sons, Grorce Lewis Herscnert and Epwarp Crarxe Roussext, also rendered valuable assistance by waving their straw hats, and singing comic songs with a vehemence that rendered the ballads undis- tinguishable from war ditties. As we entered Nearvices, Flora stumbled, and all but fell. However, with wonderful skill, I picked her up at the end of my reins, and urged her to fresh exertions by a feeble flick of the whip, that expended its force on the shafts and a part of the collar. Again we flew on. We renewed our acquaint- ance with the attractive lamp-post, we crossed the sharp curve of the familiar pavement, we collided against the monument to a worthy in the market-place, and drove up with a jerk in front of the “* Red Lion.” I looked again at my watch; we had done the six miles in twenty-two minutes. Considering the hills, dales, and obstructive milestones, a very fair record. ** What, you have come back!” exclaimed the landlady of the’* Red Lion.” ‘* Why, we never expected to see you.” I found subsequently that the wedding party, after watching our departure, had taken bets about our probable return. The most popular wager seemed to be that we should reappear after midnight with a wheel, a bit of harness, and the whip, but without the quadruped. I have nothing further to relate save this. That after my recent success I am thinking seriously of giving up the Bar and taking to the road. If I can raise the required capital, I think I shall run 4 four-horse coach between the Temple and Turnham Green. Both | my boys are anxious to give up their school to act as my guard. By the way, I may add in conclusion that the parish clerk of Babbleton declared that he had never heard (until I mentioned it) of the Great Gooseberry Will Case. So I suppose that my elient must ( Signed) A. Brieriess, Junior. _to say that the | have been wrong in his details. Pump- Handle Court, September 22, 1894.

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————_—__._ 894. - r wild id had up to € t of a heery, | with appre- same , when called inimal Dace ot clever would at the sheery hang d our but I him I after rowly lition. les in I now some ted to lutely f war st get ° htful. tooth- fi lutel lady's istics, We r very 1 had ridual tea” sons, - also nging ndis- Flora icked bys aint- of the hy in * Red les in etive ‘Red y our most night ; the cent ig to un a Both East t) of must yR. ——= PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Supremegre 29, 1894 Seo Wize Carte : CORDON HOTELS. Metropole, London. Metropole, Victoria, Cliftonville, Grand, 9 Bur’ lst Avenue, Holborn. } tel, Ryde, Boral Holborn Restaurant. aod the Prascati’s, Gatti’s And of al) Grag-class Caterers in the United cim om “ Superior Vintage Wines of Italy.”’ LOVDON, EC. M.” be 0, Creovs Op Mar. The finest type of DUBLIN WHISKY obtainable. Over 60 years’ established reputation. Cases of 1 dos. bottles free to all Railway Stations on receipt of 50s. 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(two sizes AL es dand 5), |s.,post free |2 stamps. BEWLAY, @ & 74, Strand, & 14%, Che apside, london. Est. i> ges RLTON This Grand Old Whiskey is a biend of the uce of the most famous HIGHLAND 8M. r 4 ILLs. Sample bottle post free on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 8d. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO. RT 8T., perpen gy aS we. Sold by all Leapixe Menmante ¥Dta and the Cotontss. wnarsea QAR‘ v= SOAP TO TRAVELLERS, | Co., Lto., Messrs. W. D. & H. O. WILLS) at trem BonpED Works, Livenroot, have pleasure in calling the atten- tion of the Travelling Public to the fact that their ‘‘BEST BIRD’S EYE” and “ THREE CASTLES” toll TOBACCO can be obtained in the | , a following Towns in France: BORDEAUK—6 & 10 Passace Sancer. || PURE CUMBERLAND LEAD ADAPTED FOR THE HAVRE—66 Bovurevanp pe Srraspounc. PATENT EVER-POINTED PENCIL. LYONS—7 Rvs pe va Rerverique. sizes H, M, VS, W. MARSEILLES—7 Rue pe Noaitves. S. MORDAN & CO,., NICE—Rve pe Panis. Parenrers axp Masvuracrunens, LONDON VY And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. PARIS—12 Bovievarp wes Carvcises (Guasp Hore). 15 Piace ve 14 Bounse. MONTE CARLO—P ace ov Casixo. And from the principal Tobacco- | nists throughout GERMANY, | DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. SWITZERLAND, NORWAY a | Por At IDITY oF rae STOMACH, HEARTHUMN, SWEDEN, HOLLAND, BEL HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. GIUM, RUSSIA, &c. bold throughout the W orld. 1 = - = TADDY and Cov.'s 3 My rtle Grove; 7 Topaceo. FOR PIPE OR CIGARETTE. ‘ Packed in embossed foil packets and tins only. if Manufactured from selected Leaf and siiahaat utely Pare Jor the entire supply of their Celebrated MINE- Seltzer, Lemonade, éc.) at all ther THE GORDON HOTELS CO., Lid., have contracied with Messrs. J. SCHWEPPE &@ CO. (Lid,) RAL WATERS (Seda Water, Potass, English and Hotele, Lond which will also be suppliel ox with SCHWS Waters at expiration (next Autumn) of a present tract, and where in the meantim they can be obtained if ape ially ordered REAL GERMAN V'O\LoW GROUND oPP RAZop ttt TRE Black Handle, 68.6d. Ivory Handle, 7s. 6d APr._, Ivory Handles, in Rus.leather case, 21s Trom all Perfamors and Dealers Wholesale: Ossoune, Gannerr, & ( Lond w Have YOU Tried (iticura the . SKIN CURE Its cures of torturing, disfiguring humours are the most wonderful ever recorded Bold throughout the world, Pri cuna, 2/3; Soar, 1/-; Resorverr, 2/3 F. NEWHERY & SONS, 1, King FAword Street, Newgate Street. Lon jon, |} All about the Skin,” post fre COLDEN BRONZE HAIR. The lovely nuance “ Chitain PFonete imparted to lisir of any colour by using Ri Int bold only by W. WINTER, ¢ Oxstord Bt Drive bs. 64, 108. 64,20. Vor tinting gre Hair MUINE ie mvelnable Tobacconists Commen: ing Guide (2 pp., How t Open a Cigar store Tobe nists ( 10, |#, Kuston Me thop Fitters and Show Makers forall Trades. Va = tree Mar., Hy Mrene.} FRAISINE. A ddticions Dentiites, made from ®traw ber Of all Chemists, or for is. td FRANKS & CO, &, Maercurs 4 J " ‘G foleuce- Gale. Ptate Powder, NON- MERCUKIAL. The Peer and SAPERST AKTICLE bf ee a BiLvEn. RLECTHO PLA six GOLD MEDALS Bold everywhere, in Moxes, \s., 24. d., and ts. Od

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OF ALL DEALERS. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL — — SEPTEMBER 29, 1894. MARTELL’S “THREE STAR” BRANDY BLUE AND SILVER LABELS. BOTTLED IN COGNAC. Intending Purchasers should see that the Brand “J. & F. MARTELL” is on every Label, Capsule, and Cork, without which it is not genuine. LEA & PERRINS SAUCE has been known for more than FIFTY YEARS ALL OVER THE WORLD. ASK FOR And observe that ° the Signature Le Sold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester; CROSSE & | BLACKWELL, Ld., London; and Export Oilmen generally. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE J is now printed. || in Blue Ink diagonally across the OUTSIDE WRAPPER of every Bot'le. LIEBIC “COMPANY'S” ; EXTRACT. OF BEEF. D | perrect PERFECT S| punrry PuRITY | ABSOLUTELY J Jam ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED. | GUARANTEED | Acknowledged by all competent authorities to be invaluable fr making | THE PUREST, CHEAPEST, AND BEST BEEF TEA. || Unsurpassed for Improving, Strengthening, and Flavouring Soups, Sauces, Gravies, and made Dishes, i| THE COMPAR T: S COOKERY BOOK sent Free on application to IEBIG’S EXTRACT OF MEAT CO. aa 9, Fenchurch Avenue, London, E. ASK YOUR GROCER FOR GROSSE & BLACKWELL'S i] LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE, | | FRESE FRUIT JAMS AND JELLIES, | which are made from Freshly Gathered Fruits and Refined Sugar. CROSSE & BLACKWELL, LIMITED, SOHO SQUARE, LONDON. h. of No 38, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the we ‘Street. in the Precinet of W im the City of London, and — , & Co., Limited, eS ees took s Middlesex, at the Pri Offices of peneye, Denies, Agnew, ‘Sie ” bd, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, Clty of Lopdom.—Sarcaost, September PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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MESSRS. HUTCHINSON’S NEW NOVELS. At ali Libraries. BY THE AUTHOR OF BY THE AUTHOR OF By D. CHRISTIE MURRAY. “A YELLOW ASTER.” | +h ray Eye op 86°28) Fprtid the Benes.’ | “2 Me™ ROBERT JOCELTE, A RISING STAR. | CHILDREN OF ONE FAIR RUN TO GROUND CIRCUMSTANCE, DAUGHTER. 4 SPORTING NOVEL, “AY ~ ~ > Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. mee > i? ie) x =) r © oo) > vd w > w ie) wi z (4) =) (*) =) a I RE HOVE) aa ed a Pree Totaly SE OATS WAM PTA MT TSs.6 Es Sa aeameamtentions nant cmetnrmenrme PRICE THREE PENCE. tt VW Pos es sda Fa ik : i S&S RS iS VA eo i ut , 7 \ mo i] ‘ + PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. CHOCOLAT MENIER oye @@” NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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w Volus ha he DUKE OF BEAU FOuT. "x >, and A. BT. WATSON MAN« H. WALROND. wie ne Mise Leon, Viaet. D M arve Poem Kev. Even W. Moserr, p YAKS Pe ane ww Miu ‘ . r © nd uN 4 CO /KSELLERS THE EBB-TIDE. By Roser | Ont ane In ' | h th Thousand | Fae ty Lov A VICTIM OF GooD- LUCK. of “ The Countess Vole I le - d Street, W( NEW SCHEME RELIEF OF TRUSTEES. FAMILY TRUST Securing a Fixed Income for Surcwing Relatives, APTLY TO THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. | ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Funds, 79 Millions Stg. I x, & King William Street, E.C. | Pall Mall Hast, 8.W. 1 66, Upper Sackville Street. ! hee & Agencies HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS. Bushes in variety Packing and | 6s. per doz., 608. per 100, Ad other Nursery Stock carriage Sorward. mPOTS From 15/- a doz. Ornamenta! Ti 01 §o sane. ¥.B.- i ~ SPE si ~y) ) imereased prices. CENERAL CATALOCUE ally produced, containing aed \ ot valuable mares ace WORCESTER | How is Tt that “Clarke's Blood Mix- ture’ has tA he: 1 great popularity?” * 4 question which has perplexed many. The amswer is, that it is unquestionabl } vest Mlood Purifier that sdenenaal medical skill have brought to light. Thou- sands of won lerful eures have been efferted by it. Fer Serefula. Scurvy, Eezema, Skin and Blood Diseases, Bad Legs, Pimples and Sores of all kinds, its effects are marvellous. Suld everywhere at 2, Sd. per bottle. Be- Ware of worthless imitations or substitutes. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Ocroper 6, 1894 TH E BADMINTON LIBRARY. SAVORY and MOORE'S EST FOOD ror INFANTS USED IN TEE ROYAL NURSERIES Ting, Is., Os., Se., and 10s., everywhere. FOUR NEW NOVELS. THE MANXMAN. By Hart ondmar The | a “HEAVIEST POSSIRLE PLATING.” no OWN FOLK By Hector clations Trane | in INVESTMENT POLICIES, SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. 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FRAGRANT Tt (Over n64 pages) of Nursery Stock, | ar undreds of Mustrations, | lntormetom, EPPS’S COCOAINE. COCOA-NIB EXTRACT. (TEA-LIKE.) A thin beverage of full flavour now with any beneficially taking the place of tea. | active principle being a gentle nerve | | stimulant, supplies the needed out unduly exciting the system. Socp i» Packers axp Tixs sy Gaocens, Lapetten JAMES EPPS & CO., Ltd., energy with- Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. OSEPH GILLOTT'S Of Highest Quality, and Having Greatest Durability, are Therefore SOLID SILVER | PLATE. The Finest Stock in the World. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, Show eons: 12, RECENT ST., W. THE KODAK These famous hand or tripod cameras, whilst embodying the most oivenead ideas in camera construction, are the simplest and most compact Photographic instru- ments made Equally suitable for boy or girl, novice in photography, or photographic expert. From 1 to 100 pictures can be made without recharge. Strongly recommended by travellers in all parts of the globe. Prices from £1 : 6: 0 to £22: 1: 0. Illustrated Catalogue free on application. Manu/factured solely by EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., 115-117 OXFORD ST., LONDON. PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. BRIGHTON Hotel MerRoro The finest and most luxurious Beaside Hotel in the PENS World For Sore Throats You eannot use a better gargie than “ Condy’s.” Bir Morell Mackenzie, M.D. Sold by all Chemists and Drug Stores. Gargle wit“Condy’s” Remedial Fluid. | COLT'S NEN | UNITED STATES | ARMY & NAVY REVOLVER | for House Protection, Travellers, an for Military Porpesse, tobe ew pd sy Expres and all other -% ca isto! Cartr COLT’S LICHTNING MACAZINE RIFLES, | lor Large and Small Game, Kook shox | Target I'rectice, are unsurpassed od accuracy aa | unequalled for rapidity of fire COLT’S REVOLVERS | sie used all over the World. I'rice List {ree LTS Ms CO., 26, Glasshowe 8t., Fieccadilly Circus, ‘London, W. 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October 6, 1894 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL POLE ite Gere: An Sov oF Jy : et and \ Eurious Aside otel the rid. ts dats better 2. “Ah! How are you, dear old boy ?”’ shouted the Clubites, hysterical with affectionate , yearning. 1. It was the begianing of the Club season. “I shall be glad to see all the boys again after all these weeks!” | murmured Clubber, as Mrs. C. packed him up. 'S NEW TATES OLVER ‘ers, and | |. Expres | IFLES, | | 3. “ Magni i "i "” ed, i ecstatic dream of enthusiasm. 4. And when they parted at the end of the ee a Ot Splendid dearcdby!i” evening, they breathed fervently, “Good night, ; ‘ old fellow—bless you!” * * * * * &. It was the middle of the Club season. ‘‘ Hum, Foodle’s recitations are always so long-winded. Great 6. And when they parted at t! ¢ om a mistake,” they muttered to themselves. ‘ And the other fellows are a bit slow, after all.”’ the evening, they just nodded. 7. It was the end of the Club season. “ Well, if 8. “I’m not going to recite to you idiots,” 9. “I'm precious glad to get away from e you want my opinion,” said Clubber, “that raid Foodie. e it's a waste of breath.” maddening set of chuckle-headed bores 6 — Foodle’s a beastly poor reciter.” “I don’t want “* Much relieved to hear it !’’ said Groedle. weeks !’’ said Clubber, as Mrs. C. unpacked him. your opinion ; naliehe deen.” said Rubber. “ But you happen to be right for once.” VOL, CVII,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octropmr 6, 1894. _— Se ] z

Aw QR Zz EN —4 (ap =) \ S Bs 4\ ANI, we | “4 . yr SS A\ 3. Z | Ni ng \ \ | iii i ay . ah 4 iit , : \ le Hh. PY y | Fi Hi jesszes | 44 s ea A x " Wy) y f = , : ‘ . OT] mti's 4 4 fy y | — = . > > i SORE . ’ | - = A ~ j iy yi y- | i \y = => os > A , aly! fh) / as wee + Cine, — men ene yo — Ys) ' 4 “Nea! AD ‘ saan lifes weiees veh > | bet . SS YEE“ Hh Ztle?- SQ 1A eee = <F Rin Wi tian: | — Sw / ‘ 2 : <j MEE Upp.

“TERRIBLE IN HIS ANGER!” J-st-n McC-rthy (reading extract from German Emperor's Speech), “‘‘1 CAN BE VERY DISAGREEABLE TOO, WHEN I Like.’ Au! so cay I!”

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|

Ocroser 6, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

159

| eye the really interestin | formance which | ** Immediately | Dornoch,” says this gentle- | LORD ROSEBERY IN THE NORTH. Tue Paiwe Mrnister has been having a high old time | of it lately in the North, and | has become the * youngest | burgess” of goodness knows | how many ancient boroughs. | But it has been left to a reporter to note with an eagle per- | E- | BERY has put to his credit.| . on leaving) ~ man (the re rter, not the Premier), ** Lord "RosesERy and the Duke of tee drove to the Meikle F a distance of four — Fy aml the ferry, and again drove to Tain, four miles farther on. Crossing the ferry they both took a turn at the oars, and generally discussed the sport of seal shooting!” This the gests quite a fresh phase of the New Journalism. We shall soon read such paragraphs as | the following :— “Sir de mg Hancocur left town for “ the _ is very hot i r feet ! By cowd is beastly r tooublen at tibes ; Ree although I ab as tied as “ed Shike, b bowd to Kok whed subwud galls by kibes ; vid I cad be very darsty, whed I like | | Yug Wire fides it needful to speak oat, | | Sir Wirxras “ | As

Ad, like that Hebrew persod id the a He cad be ‘* very darsty,” Or there’ 8 no £ ubt Ad so ead I, of course id by owd way. | A buttad’s wudrous angry whed aroused. Ad if those Liberals sell be. I shall strike. | Owd Oirelad has so freaquadly bid choused— Ad eg cad be very darsty, whed they Bister Bows we all dow, and he’s all Ad gaint: “Ler EVRE’s sowd upod the is a fighter ’’—will he fight ?- om Yug! Se jokes are dot buch That Aswrrs’ 8 dot a fascidati As hard as dails, aides asa pike!

Ah! and so can I—when \l wish — the Lords they had sub | Oh I ~ ‘be very darsty, whed I lite, There bight have bid a protest strog ad sterd, But do! they let the Peers, id sileds, ecore. Sir WiLtian dever said a siggle word Whed they kicked “* Evicted Tedadst ” frob their door. It bight have bid a local turdpike Bill, Or Act tor ate the Scorcher’s ** bike, -¢ I bust idsist od ** bizdess,” ad I will, For I cad be rery darsty, whed I like! The Irish are begidded to have doubts (Ad Repsop, he is goid to give be beads), If ** Ids” Fad by Cudtry, there are “ Ou ts ” — Rule bust dot be shudted, like stale reeds, The Shabrock bust be shaked at those Peers ; Or — bay go upod the Strike !— Ad “a — e chucked frob Office—yes, for Te oa be precwus _ whed I like ! Oh!

In Nuce. Tue pith of Lassy’s caustic elocution Is that long war of words should end in dee After the lead of the Leeds Resolution, He wants to feel that Resolution leads! A House of Words but little help affords In a hot contest with a House of Lords, But Laspy, were the issue quite so glorious If—as some fear—the Lords should prove victorious ? NEW READING FOR THE NEW ART, THE LUNNON TWANG. I’ve heard a Frenchman wag his tongue Wi’ unco din an’ rattle, An’, faith, my vera lugs "hae sung Wi’ listenin tae his prattle ; os French i is no the Worst of a’ n point o’ noise an’ clang, man ; Tha s ane that beats it tar awa’, And that ’s the Lunnon twang, man. You wadna think, within this ~ That folk could talk sae queerly But, sure as Death, tae un erstand The callants beats me fairly. , faith, ’tis little gude their schules at an teach th hem, as ye "ll see, man, For—wad ye credit it —the fules Can scarcely follow me, man. An’ yet, tae gie the deils their due, (An’ little praise they ’re worth, man,) They seem tae ken, I kenna hoo, That I come frae the Nor-r-rth, man ! 7 maun be clever, for ye ken ere ’s nought tae tell the chielr, man: I ’m jist like a’ the ither men That hail frae Galashiels, man. But oh! I’m fain tae see again ‘The bonny hills an’ heather ! Twa days, and ne’er a dra 0” rain— Sic awfu’ drouthy weather ! But eh! I doubt the Gala boys Will laugh when hame I gang, man, For 00! I’m awfu’ feared my vuice Has ta’en the Lunnon twang, man!

Demolition of Doctors’ Commons.

Sir my 56 Jennen Fost what would you | Ose might conclude from many a spindly To Dostors? Commons being done away ! Some read ire tongs est as No wonder its machinery is rusty " * Art is » Lat k”! ! | Sinoe in your time at best it was but Fasty |

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(Ocronsn 6, 1894. | ’m ri you 'd ha’ done more good, in my opinion, and it’s my belief as Mr. Unpersnec here will tell you ight. end the coachman! (Alvud.) | Well, I daresay—er—embrocation would have been better. Adams. Ah, that’s where me and Mr. Cuecxuiey differ. Accord- ing to me, it ain’t to do with the shoulder at all—it’s a deal lower I'll ave him out of the box and you’ll soon see what | himself, as he follows Avams). Now is my time to Und. (hastily). Pray don’t trouble on my account. I—I can see Only I thought you’d be better able |—I’m rather in a hurry. to form a judgment after you’d seen the way he stepprd across, I don’t like the nute; he’d like to hear what you think about the U/nd. (to himself). I’m sure I don’t. I’ve a horror of reptiles. You’re very good. Still, there it 7s, you see! I—I think I won’t come in. The place ul’ There must be something very remarkable Adams, It’s dry enough in ’ere, Sir, as you may see; nor yet he ! Und. (to himself), What a fool he must be not to drive it out! Of course it must anno the horse. (4/oud.) i don’t see it; but I’m quite willing to take your word for it. Adams, 1 don’t know how you can expect to see it. Sir, without you look inside of the ‘oof for it. Und. (to himself). It’s not alive it’s something inside the hoof. I suppose I ought to have owe that. (Aloud.) Just so; but I see no necessity for looking inside the hoof. Check. In course he don’t, or he’d ha’ looked the very fust thing, with all his experience. I ’ope you’re satisfied now, ADAMS? Adams. I can't say as I am. 1 say as no man can examine a ’orse thoroughly at that distance, be he who he may. And whether I’m right or wrong, it ’ud be more of a «ati-faction to me if Mr. Uxper- SHELL was to stepin and see the ’oof fir himself. Check. Well, there’s sense in that, ard I dessay Mr. UnpDeERSHELL won’t object to obliging you that far. Und. (with reluct- ance), Oh, with plea- 160 LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) Und. (to himself). Can't afford to o LE VETERINAIRE MALGRE LUI. \ XU. — Outside the Stables at Wyvern. nl Time—About 10 p.m. pte mean. ra shout getting away from here. (7o Apams.) By the bye, him capitally from where I am, thanks. I suy an let me have a conveyance of some sort—after I’ve Adams, You know best, Sir. etter speak to Mr. Cuecxuxy about that, Sir; it But if you was to come in and examine the frog’ rtment, you see. I'll fetch him round, if you "ll look of it myself. rs He goes off to the coachman’s quarters. (Aloud. / A very civil fellow this; he seems quite anxious to must be rather demp, mustn’t it—for that ? “ tl I l [ADAMS returns with CueckLey. ain’t been standing about in no wet. ! Mr. Carck ed coachman Mr NDERSH EL! He ™m i! Long witl is ear hat 1 sa fy ve I fy himeaelf l must mak friend of } im. or els 1 I ah ll ned Mr (HECK ’ i ve oniy 1 very few ites to ar t I’n t uriou ee this horse ( He ain't ne orees, Pir. If h 1d rt Bat re ] ay +} shout it i mis he leads Gia nee stables he gas Ther Sir. that lhe ver e in the v7 x / h f iH me much ke \ horse ! | How r, | car be | wrot & | th ls th ‘ t/ i | \ leed * he wort! } seeing A magnificer | creature ! | { ing } | Deert hing | H | ’orse, Sir H ladyst won t tr herself nD her an ul, not r ! 1 the influenzy s She'd take on il if 1 ’ad to tell her he wouldn't be fit for no more work, she would ! lind uny danger of that “ You ’ve a lot to leara about navicular, you ‘ave, if yo } this ’ere ’oof strikes you. J 1 rot as that!” sure, if you make a point of it. york > J [ He enters the loose bor delicately. sympathet cally . Lean quite imagine so. Not that heseems| Adams (picking up one of the horse's feet). Now, tell me how Well—er—it seems to me a Aloud.) H’m—well, I Now you’ve got it, Apams! J can ver sistently). But look at this ’ere pastcrn. You can’t How do you get over that ? Che triumphantly). There, you ’ear that, Apams? The| @Und. (to himself). That hoof can’t; but I’m not so sure about | minute he set eyes on the ’orse! | the others. (Aloud, as he inspects it.) | Adams, Wait till Mr. Unperswect has seen him move a bit, and | very nice hoof. see what he says then, ’ Adams (grimly). I was not arsking your opinion of it as a work of Che lf it was what yow think, he’d never be standing like he| Art, Sir. Do you see any narrering coming on, or do you not? now, depend upon it. : | That ’s what I should like to get out of you / 4 *. You can’t depend upon it. He ’earl us coming, and| Und. (to himself). Does this man suppose I collect hoofs! How- he's quite artful enough to draw his foot back for fear o’ getting a | ever, 1’m not going to commit myself. knock fo Unpersnett.) I've noticed him very fidgety-like on | I rather agree with Mr. Cueck.ey. his forelegs this last day or two. Check. I knew he would! t Huve you, though? (To himself.) I hope he won't be| see Mr. Unpersae.. knows what he’s about. fidgety with his Aind-le gs. I shall stay outside. Adams Adams. | cooled bim down with a rubub and aloes ball, and kep deny there's puffiness there. } im on low diet ; bat he don’t seem no better. Und. Uf the horse is puffy, it’s Ais business to get over it— not mine. Und. (toh nself ). I didn't gather the horse was uiwell. ( d/oud. Adams (aggrieved). You may think proper to treat it light, Sir; Dear me! no better? You don’t say eo! but if you put your ’and down ’ere, above the coronet, you "ll feel a Check. lf you'd rubbed a little embrocation into the shoulder, | throbbing as plain as— _

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| | me any particular Ocroper 6, 1894.] NDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH, OR THE LO Und. Very likely. But I don’t know, really, that it would afford gone me oy if I did! Adams. Well, if you don’t take my view, I should ha’ thought as youd want to feel the ’orse’s pulse Und. You are quite mistaken. " larly as I shouldn’t know where to find it. is with his horse ! Check. In course, Sir, you see what’s running in Mr. Apams’ ’ed all this time, what he’s a-driving at, eh? f Und. (to himself). I only wish I did! This will require tact. | (Aloud.) I—I could hardly avoid seeing that—could I ? Check. I should think not. And it to reason as a vet like yourself ’d spot a | like navickler fust go off. Und, (to himself), A vet! They’ve been taking me for a vet all this time! I can’t have been so ignorant as I thought. I reall don’t like to undeceive them—they might feel annoyed, knowingly.) To be sure, I—I spotted it at once. I don’t. (Zo himself.) Particu- What a bore this fellow (Alo Adams. He does make it out navicular after all! What did I teli you, CueckLEY? Now p’r’aps you’ll believe me / ( ‘heck. I’ll be shot if that ’orse has navickler, whoever says so— there! Adams (gloomily). It’s the orse "ll ’ave to be shot; worse luck ! I’d ha’ give comeing if Mr. UnpeRsHect could ha’ shown I was =e ; but there was very little doubt in my mind what it was all along. Und. (to himself, horrified). I’ve been pronouncing this unhappy animal’s doom without knowing it! I must toneit down. (A/oud.) No—no, I never said he must be shot. There’s no reason to despair. It—it’s quite a mild form of er—clavicular—not at all infectious at present. And the horse has a splendid constitution. I—I reall think he’ll soon be himself again, if we only—er—leave Nature to her work, you know. Adams (after a prolonged whistle), Well, if Nature ain’t better up in her work than you seem to be, it’s ’igh time she chucked it, and took to something else. You’ve a lot to learn about navicular, you ave, if pn can talk such rot as that! Check. Ah, I’ve’ad to do with a vet or two in my time, but I’m blest if I ever come across the likes 0’ you afore ! Und. (to himself). I knew they’d find me out! I must pacify them. (Aloud.) But, look here, I’m nof a vet. I never said pe It was your mistake entirely. The fact is, my—my good men, I came down here because—well, it’s unnecessary to explain now why [ came. But I’m most anxious to get away, and if you, my dear Mr. Cnecktey, could let me have a trap to take me to Shuntingbridge to-night, I should feel extremel obliged. ECKLEY stares, deprived of speech. Adams (with a private wink to CHEcKLEY). inly he will, Sir. I’m sure Cueckiey ’ll feel proud-to turn out, late as it is, to oblige a gentleman with your remarkable knowledge of ’orse- a. Drive you over hi in the broom and pair, J shouldn’t wonder ! Und. One horse will be quite sufficient. Very well,then. I’lljust run up and get my portmanteau, and—and one or two things of mine, and if you will be round at the back entrance—don’t trouble to drive up to the front door—as soon as possible, I won’t keep you waiting longer than I can help. Good evening, Mr. Apams, and many thanks. (Zo himself, as he hurries back to the house.) I’ve got out of that rather well. Now, I’ve only to find my way to the Verney Chamber, see this fellow Spurrett, and get my clothes back, and then I can retreat with comfort, and even dignity! These CuLvERINS shall learn that there is at least one poet who will not put up with their insolent ay ! Check. (to Avams). He has got a cool cheek, and no mistake! But if he waits to be druv over to Shuntingbridge till J come round for him, he'll ’ave to set on that portmanteau of his a goodish time! _ Adams, He did you pretty brown, I must say. To ’ear you crow- ing over me when he was on your side. I could ’ardly keep from ariing !: Check, I see he warn’t no vet long afore you, but I let it go on for the joke of it. It was rich to see you a wanting him to feel the ’oof, and give it out navickler. Well, you got his opinion for what it was wuth, so you’re all right! Adams. You think nobody knows anything about ’orses but your- self, you do; but if you’re meanin’ to make a story out o’ this against me, why, I shall tell it my way, that’s all! Check. It was you he made a fool of, not me—and I can prove it —there ! [ They dispute the point, with rising warmth, for some time. ell, see ’ere, Cueckiey, [ dunno, come Adams (calming down), to think of it, as either on us ‘ll show u ckler smart over this agree to k uiet ‘ere job; and it strikes me we’d hotter, both, Werman’s, called Under the Red Robe, delighteth me much. A stirring story of swashbucklers, pi | Reader’s best friend, OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. “Ana!” quoth the Baron. ‘This book of Master Sraniey pistols, daggers, conspirators, gay its, and gentle dames! Exciting m first to last, and all in one volume, which, beshrew me, by my hilts! ” » quoth the Baron, *‘ the a. &, be he who he ye ae find easy to take up, and most cult to put down, until ~~ finished. "Tis published ¥ one ETHUEN, of London, whose house Cavalier Wermawn hath favoured more once ere he wrote this stirring romance,” Towards the finish there is a om of Butwer Lyrron’s drama Richelieu, —indeed the last situation in this tale is almost one with the action of the scene in the play where Richelieu brings the lovers ether. Yet is this but a mere detail, and those who follow the Baron’s literary tips wil! do well and wisely to read Under the Red Robe, By the way, Mr, Caron Woopviixe’s illustrations to the story are excellent, having the rare merit of assi the action without revealing the plot. ‘‘ Catox, thou pictureth well.” Within the limits of a hund pages Lord Durrenty has given the world a picture it will not willi 7 die, It is a portrait of his mother, *‘ one of the sweetest, utiful, most accomplished wittiest, most loving and lovable human beings that ever walked upon the earth.” This, as my Baronite says, is the superlative of praise, and it might reasonably be suspec that filial feeling has warped critical acumen. But here in this volume of Songs, Poems, and Verses (Jouw~ Murray) we have Lady Durreriw though dead for ourselves, It is characteristic of et speaking, and may j oo son that, whilst on the first page the above title is boldly set forth in e ruddy-hued er line lower down, in type, a small plain black ink, refers to the‘ Memoir.” In its felicity of literary style, its clear touches of characterisation, and its flashes of quiet humour, this monograph is a masterpiece. It fittingly frames the extract from the journal commenced by Lady Durrerin when she felt the hand of death gripping, her This fragment is prose worthy of the author of The Irish Emigrant, whose simple pathos has stirred the heart on both sides of the Atlantic. Within the brief limits he has assigned to himself, Lord Durrertn manages fo give a succinct account of the illustrious family of which Hexen, y DurreRrn, was a bright, particular star. It would be difficul! to parallel the sustained brilliancy of the SHermpans, from Ricnarp Briystey down to his gpent-grect-grandons, at present Her Masesty’s Minister at Paris. To the possession of all the graces they have added med of all the talents. It is hard to live up to the literary standard of the Suerrmans. In this delightful volume Lord Durrerty shows that the marvel was accomplished by his mother, and is possible for himself, My Baronite has made an attempt to read Lourdes in the con venient shape in which Messrs, Cuatro anp Winpvs present it to the English-speaking public. He ay oy | admits that, finding on a rapid glance through its pages the first chapter was a fair sample of the bulk, he gave it up. M. Zora has avowedly set him- self the task of minutely describing the pitiful experience of the halt, the lame, the blind, and much worse, who journey to Lourdes in the desperate hope of miraculous recovery. He may at least be con- gratulated on having achieved his — Only, the report with al! its horrible detail would more fittingly have a in the pages of | the Lancet or the British Medical Journal. Since it has been pub- lished in book form realism should have been carried one step | further. The volume ought to have been bound in a poultice instead | of ordinary cloth. As it is, the leaves turned over fill the room with | faint, sickening smell of the hospital ward. Lourdes is certainly not alluring. It is, in truth, lourd—et sale aussi. Once again, for the benefit of all brother-scribes who, for a while, or frequently, may have to do their scribbling when journeying, «7 while compelled by illness to remain in Bedford-under-Clothes,— 1 was but recently the case with your own Baronius, pains and counterpanes all over him,—the use of ‘‘ The Hairless Author's Paper-pad,” i.e. ** The Author's Hairless Paper-pad,” issued by the Leadenhall Press, on which the author can write with pencil or with pen,—for the blotter is handily placed at the back of the pad, —is strongly recommended by the Ready Writer’s and leady Toe BLAMELESS Baron pe Boox-Wounmy. about it,eh? (CHECKLEY acquiesces, not unwillingly.) And It ink I'll take a look in at the ’Ousekeeper’s Room tly, and try if | I can’t drop a hint to old Txepweit about tes sensi teceeed | chap, for it’s my belief he ain’t down ’ere for no good! } Mem. sy aw O_p Maip.—If you “ look over your age,” you the same. won't find anyone else willing to

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DEEPER AND DEEPER STILL. : He. “ lex’? THat Mas, Gayty strtixe sy Taomeson? How Far sae’s crown ! LIKE TaaT!” She, *‘O-——YOU SHOULD NOT SAY THAT TO Mz/” He. “‘Wuvy wort Or covise I ONLY MEANT WHEN THE WoMAN Is rounac/” 162 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Ocronme 6, 1894. | WHAT A MISFORTUNE FOR A WOMAN TO LOOK “FOR EXAMPLE!” Or, an Ex-Radical’s Reflections in a Peer-Glass, [I say that I, at any rate, am ready to view with favour any reasonable proposal which would add an elective element to the composition of the House of Lords, which would bring them into closer touch with popular sentiment.” — Mr. Chamberlain at Leeds (Times’ Report).| “ Tuy toil not, neither do they spin” — Aught but occasional orations ! Ah! that was in my days of sin. How time has altered our relations Yes, I was down upon the Lords. When I compared them with the lilies: New RKads remind me of my words ; But then New Rads are all old sillies. How dare they, dupes of GLapstone’s guile, Poor Party tools, mere flies in amber, To imitate my earlier style, And rave against a Second Chamber ? And do they think to corner me By mere tu quoque and quotation ? A gift of ready repartee Secures such easy extrication. 1 worship what I wished to burn P— The jeer is really most unhandsome ' For things have taken quite a turn Since I ran rather wild on Ransom. The House of Lords is our sole hope, Sheet-anchor, lighthouse, egis, haven ; The only power which can « A Single Chamber means the sway Of the majority—most shocking ! -- With no devices of delay, Progress impeding, freedom mo oesing— With the New Rad—that nervelesscraven' Hold hard! I’m quoting—from myself! - | Of Commoners a mere majority Means rule of party, passion, pelf, Which in the Peers have no authority. Non-representative, but nice, The Peers are patriots, heroes, sages Class-selfishness is not their vice ; They haste not, don’t get int» rages. To a majority of them * We safely may entrust our freedom. But mere M.P.’s? With venal phlegm They ’d sell it—fur the mess of Edom! Mesopotamia—blesséd word !— Than the word “ Peer ”’ is far less bles-¢d! Mere Commoners are crass, absurd, Foolish as Creon, false as Cressid To trust to an elected mob Our Glorious Empire, were sheer treason ; But dukes and earls may do the job, For a Peer’s robe must cover reason. Still an “‘ elective element” Perhaps might bring their ‘‘ composition”’ **In touch with pops ar sentiment,” And hush the howlings of sedition. To pick the best and brightest stars From court and college, bench and plat- orm, Might still some poletariat jars. Hah! how should I appear in that form? Of course, a robe and coronet Would never make me turn a Tory, Like—well, so many. Now | ‘ll bet King Sotomoy in all his glory Was not arrayed—tut! tut !—no more I'd like them to forget those lilies, These quoted bits are such a bore,— mf 4 that old ‘ tonguester”’ Experimentum in—well, no! The context is not very flatteriag, (How seldom my quotations go! There are some drawbacks in mere smattering. ) But if the ‘‘ elective element ” Would Peers improve, as not a few think, I might—some day—-who knows ?—consent To show them how—well, what do you think ? LIGHT IN DARKNESS. Written upon hearing that Mr. Gladstone's enforced rest is lightened by the reading aloud of relays of Devoted Friends, Micury-voicep Miiton, whose unmurmur- ing song Rolls yet in organ tones round his loved and, Its saddest strain, with high endurance grand, Unconquerably serene, sublimely strong ; Sing is our Statesman’s ears! Great Homer, ong His ** friend, in youth, in manhood, and in Let thy charmed splendours, and thy coun- sels sage, Calm his large energies to fine content. Be oy patience his! ‘God doth not D Either man’s work, or his own gifts ”’—so rang [State The heroic high reply. But the whole | Wishes its tireless servitor ‘* God speed !”” Light in his darkness, hope to illume his ** They also serve who only stand and wait.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroner 6, 1894. Prowl tin LOEICENOOOTE UTNTTNAYy sebdebiad | “FOR EXAMPLE!” Seat Cotainiaicn. 2 enema Gamer ene tenes én seine ateemnes O68 aeth: seen AND NON-HEREDITARY PLAN—.” tig: agg

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— Octoper 6, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 165 AIRS RESUMPTIVE. IV.—To Jutiza tw Suootine Toes (and a Herrickose vein), WueEnas to shoot my JULIA goes, Then, then, (methinks) how bravely shows That rare arrangement of her clothes! S» shod as when the Huntress Maid With thumping buskin bruised the glade, She moveth, making earth afraid. Against the sting of random chaff Her leathern gaiters circle half The arduous crescent of her calf, Unto th’ occasion timely fit My love’s attire doth show her wit, And of her legs a little bit. Sorely it sticketh in my throat, She having nowhere to bestow ’t, To name the absent petticoat. In lien whereof a wanton pair Of knickerbockers she doth wear, Full windy and with space to spare. Enlarged by the bellying breeze, Lord! how they playfully do ease The urgent knocking of her knees! Lengthways curtailed to her taste A tunic cireumyents her waist, And sootbly it is passing chaste, (pon her head she hath a gear Even such as wights of ruddy cheer Do use in stalking of the deer. Haply her truant tresses mock Some coronal of shapelier block, To wit, the bounding billy-cock. Withal she hath a loaded gun, Whereat the pheasants, as they run, Do make a fair diversion. For very awe, if so she shoots, My hair upriseth from the roots, \nd lo! I tremble in my boots ! A Sire Prepicrion.—That the New Woman of this decade will be the Old Maid of the next. THE SEVEN ACES OF ROSEBERY. [Mr. St. Loz Stracney has written an article in the Nineteenth Century, entitled, “ The Seven Lord Roseberies.”’} PARLIAMENT’s a stage, And, Peers or Commoners, they are merely players : They have their exits and their entrances, [perts, And one Peer in his time plays many His acts being seven stages. First the Home-Ruler, Mewling and puking in Nurse Gip- STONE'S arms ; And then the Union &c'o |boy, with his satchel, And smooth-cut morning face, creep- ing like snail Unwilling to Jor's school. the Boss, Working like nigger, with a dithy- rambic [So-ialist, Made to the County Council. Then a Full of strange aims, bearded like Beenarp Saaw, Jealous of Ground Rents, quick with Land to quarrel, fment, Seeking the fleeting bubble, Tet ter- E’en at Monopoly’s mouth. And ‘hen And then the Premier, High above Party, with a pleasant joke {claims ; On the predominant partner and his Full of light jests and modern mug- wumpisms ; And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts Into the smooth-cheeked, inex pressive Sp iox [ sic e, With finger at her nose’s knowing Duzzy’s old pose well mimicked, ** oute” and ** wide,” With a cold eye and an oracular voice, Which, tuned to cynic lightness, uzzles much fall, | The Radical (2dipus. Last scene of |That ends this strange cventful ge’ Ce, VRE Laas | history, ee atts | Nowmeshey Resaens, Ladas-owner, Lord,— STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. r=. grit, cone mous, sens go, sane THE OsTRICH AS SHE OUGHT TO BF, ' everything ! Magistrate. And I notice the prisoner has hair of that peculiar ANOTHER MAN’S EARS. hue. With Apologies to the Author of “‘ Another Woman's Eyes,” in the ** Illustrated News.’”) | jurisdiction. Policeman X. Certainly, your worship; and on that account I claim that you impose upon this man the heaviest punishment within your BreAvTIFUL ears, indeed, beautiful ears! (She must be growing blind to think them fine ! Magistrate, And now prisoner what have you to say ? : Prisoner, Merely this, that the man who last night broke into the I only wish they had! Had you been wiser in those by-gone years, They might have—heard the lectures lost on mine. } (Bat no, no, no ; __ I'd rather list long nights to Caudle-shine, Than let those beautiful ears—she calls them so— List some “‘ soft nothings” murmured into mine !) jeweller's shop was not myself but another. I had nought to do with the crime. The constable has sworn that the caitiff had pea-green hair. Now I have not pea-green hair; my locks are SCENE disposal. marily in the matter. , Policeman X. A ver dom for crimes of varying gravity. | of pea-green, SLOW, AND NOT QUITE SURE. (A Suggestion not necessarily Founded upon Facts.) The Interior of a Police Court: The Magistrate has made up his mind to deal sum- Magistrate. And so you GS that the prisoner has a bad record ? kK. J y one, your W. reasons for believing that he has been in every prison in the king- Prisoner. black. release ? a case is in course of prisoner! ip. We have strong - Mogidtrate. By the new anthropometrical system, you can identify Polweman X. Certainly. I have here certificates from no less than two hundred gaol governors declaring his hair to be the colour (Removes his wig.) Magistrate. Certainly. blaek. Magistrate. Assertion is not proof. By the anthropometrical system we can spot you. Look at yourself in the glass and you will | see that your hair is pea- You are wrong, Sir. You see my curls are of raven Am I not right? Am I not entitled to Officers, do your duty. Release your [ The accused is liberated, and, in the company of some trusted pals, leaves the Court without a stain upon his character, and with the intention of doing a little more burgling before he is many hours older. Curtain, On reading a ‘‘ Smart” Novel. Heavy moralities, 7 la Saran GRAND, Are tedious oft, and trivial to boot ; But some who write of Vice with a ‘‘a light hand,” Merit the impact of a heavy foot.

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BEM £ VEMLUTOS LO SAY LOAL Che result ce ee ten | | el o_o yictures, but a Chamber of Horvors.’’} ———~ a gallery 0 of that is not | | | | | I’ll run a moral Music Hall | | By telepathy shall I plead, | | | | Ocrosgr 6, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 167 | ee THE COMPLAINT OF THE MODERN LOVER. Vy peerless but p ive Fair, To you my heart I proffer. | Time was when one knew where you were, And how to make an offer. Now, all too swiftly you advance For Damon to pursue you, Take pity on his ignorance, And tell him how to woo you! If strong on Woman’s Rights you ; > are, Upon her wrongs 1’ll ponder: [ll win for you a Wanderjahr, If I with you may wander. Or does Humanity en ? Before the summer passes | To renovate the Masses. Say, shall I write to you in verse Of metre strange and frantic, Which by neglect of barriers Proves genius gigantic ? Is modern fiction dear to you ? In scandal while I grovel, I will endeavour to outdo Its most pernicious novel ! Beloved, of which patent creed Shall [ uplift the banner ? Or in the usual manner ? 1} Wt A) VV If after Occult Truth you grope, \f \| 4) Though now 1’m no Mahatma, | I} \ AN AY Wi From oy bonds I yet might \ as ope— | UD, For you—to free my Atma! 7 | ieee ere | Shall I by Geomancy show es | ae Your lot and mine united, Wes ' The sign of Acquisitio Foretelling love requited ? WE'VE NOT COME TO THAT YET. Ze Seiaee te Dele Or shall I from the planets prove That long before T inee you modern love, Oh, tell me how to woo you! She. ‘1 WAS 80 GLAD TO HEAR OF your MarRracr! Do coms| Never can last I’ll en : |Our fates were linked ? My|TO US AND BRING your WirE. By THE WAY, WHAT 18 your NAME For though, pretty dears, now?” He. “On, I HavEN’T CHANGED M¥ Name. It's Sas, you know !” | It addeth some years to their age. REFLECTIONS (By a Well-Plucked One.) Way aug bells rang far and Why did I t sid eweetly back toslumber glide I wonder ! When wafted on their way The ——_ ot the new-mown ha Why did I cut m lectures, eh ? I wonder ! Why did I motr my punt afar, With claret-cup and choice cigar, stead of reading for the Bar ? I wonder ! Why did the Proctors always Sus eeiiientitiiions meeting me without a gown, And ultimately send me down ? I wonder ! Why did the Dons all disagree With my views on equity, And plough me for my LL.B. ? wonder ! Why am I now in chambers bare, With nothing much but debts to spare, Cash gone, and credit growing rare? I wonder ! Why do no clients seek my door To profit by my legal lore ? Will it be thus for evermore ? I wonder ! The New Fashion. ies now wear It hideth their ears, THE NEW MAN. (A Fragment from the Romance of the Near Future.) He had waited up until two in the morning. He had watched the hands of the clock as they passed round the face from hour to hour. He had put a cloth over the supper, knowing, however, that the rom | =a b disregarded, _ 7 the brandy Sa ouc y the expected one. e man at the children’s toys, the tradesmen’s books that were beside ew Not home yet,” he murmured. ‘Ah, those dinners at the club!” Then he considered his past life. He remembered his wedding- day, when it seemed so bright and fair. He was a happy husband with every prospect of a long life of wedded bliss. He loved and respected his wife, and felt that side by side they could travel along the road of existence without a rock to arrest their progress, without a discordant note to spoil the harmony of their song, until that song had ceased its music in the hush of silence. Tears, suppressed until now, flooded his eyes as he remembered the ame ¢ the honey- moon. He recollected the anxiety of Avice to get back to ey - - inte the City. Oa e he could not follow his wife uate a s haunts; it wo immodest—nay, even im . Still, he had been treated kindly, in a rough, condescending ort of way. He had had a Brougham, and had been allowed to visit his gentle- men friends, He had plenty of chats, and occasionally Atice had accompanied him round the park. Then he had seen a good deal ¢ his children. His daughter, however, had now gone to school, and 5 sons were always with their nursery tutor. The clock struck once again. a shaes, ane not marge yee! ” “arly morning was breaking. r man, pale and careworn re-arranged his necktie, and putting ba an ae ee ee | prepared mpd ver Ad resume the reading of a novel that had been attractin is attention earlier in the ing. It was called ** Bobby,” | related the adventures of a wild, thoughtless man, who was setting the laws of society at open defiance. How can men write of men like this ?” he murmured. ‘‘I am not surprised that women think badly of us when we thus paint our- selves. Visiting a music-hall with his female cousin! Going to the Zoological Gardens unattended! Oh, Bossy, Bony, what a creation!’ Then he started. There was a noise at the street-door, and the sound of seraping on the outside as if a latch-key were vain) seeking the key-hole. en the portal slowly opened and a cloak figure lurched rather than walked in. Fi ; “Oh Atice!” cried the frightened husband, wringing his hands in dismay. ‘Is there anything the matter?” : ‘Nothing, absolutely nothing,” was the indistinct reply. ‘* Fact is I don't think the salmon——” ake And then the new-comer enterel the dining-room, and there was the sound of the effervescence of soda-water. The poor husband sighed, mournfully turned off the gas, and went quietly to bed. “ Oh wife,” murmured the aggrieved husband, as he mounted the stairs, “‘ you cannot help bri ip woe to man, for unless you did 80 - vous not be a ay Li ein & . ursting into tears at thi , the poor chap disappeared into the darkness. =3 COINCIDENCE’S LONG ARM. Dear Stn,—May I draw Bae attention to a series of domestic occurrences which illustrate the distressing and increasing cy of this fin-de-siecle age? I say fin-de-siccle because as it has got to come in somehow, it may as well be said at once. At breakfast yes- terday the bacon was wretchedly cooked. My wife said, ‘It’s the a ry the a Cost a bya CE . on oy Cupioaet ion ot. ‘ound my an apparen ness achiev ai the cost of « complete confusion of my papers, which had been tidied away in a manner that completely defied detection. My wife only answered, * Oh, it’s that New Housemaid.” That night we went to the theatre. name of the play was The New Woman. Then I understood the true inwardness of all i i ences. The moral is so clear that I do not propose to draw any. The Cedars, Sept. 29. Norra Newmay.

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| I have actually a bangle riretted on—with a date inside—the date I | | afraid | have become frivolous again. Some other people have come the amount of £500 and upwards will be entitled to a preferential here, including a nice boy they call Basy Beaumont. He is | boom by way of bonus.

| views may necessitate his doing a little et py bape gm to set y | touchy, and refuse to play any more, and sulk all the evening. life-long immunity from depreciation.

168 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoper 6, 1894. LETTERS FROM A DEBUTANTE. THE GENERAL LITERARY REVIEW COMPANY, LIMITED. Dexareer Magsonre,—It is really quite time you gave me some CarrraL £100,000,000, mv 20,000,000 SHarzs oF £5 EAcu, more of your valuable advice, Thanks to you, { was not such an| Tarts Company has been formed to acquire, combine into one, and | utter failure in my first season as I expected. After a month at| carry on the various old-established businesses of literary reviewing | home (my people loathe the new way I do my hair, and it seemed, I | hitherto carried on separately by Messrs, Anprew Lane (who will | am ashamed to say, a /iftle dull there), | have come to stay again | join the Board after allotment), Grant ALLEN, W. E. Gapstovz, | with the I. von Taymens at their country house, H. D. Trams, T. P. O'Connor, Watter Besant, Exxiy| _You remember I refused the man who | Marnews, Jomw Lane, Q., A.T.Q.C., Quitter Covcn, Ricuarp | did conjuring tricks? He has written to| Lz Gattrewwe, and others. All these gentlemen have consented to act me since to say he sees now how right I | as Directors. The advantages of the scheme was—rather crushing ! I also fully in- jare obvious. Hitherto critical opinion, as wy to =. a | printed in the daily, weekly, and monthly } e went to | withou oy bog press, has been so diversified as to make it e opportunity, and I hear he has been | jm ble for the public to form a settled playing tennis there the whole day with | judgment on books. For instance, a work : rs. Lone Horrer. I am sure I hope | may be described in one place as ‘* possess- e enjoyed it. She is what you or! would | ing in the highest degree the master quali- consider rather old, but is said tobe per-| ties of brilliant humour and guolound fectly charming, and of course looks | — ”: while, in another notice, pub- fifteen years younger than her youngest | lished on the same day, it may be con- </ daughter. ,. ., | demmed as ‘‘ an essay in stupid buffoonery It seems rather strange, doesn’t it, | which mistakes inversion for paradox and Mansonre, that after being so wonderfully | makes a parade of sentiment as laughable sensible all the season, I should suddenly | as its efforts at humour are melancholy.” \ do something quite idiotic in September? | It is the intention of the Directors to ; However, | Aave ; and I want you pony | change all this. Frequent Board-Meetings will be held, at which all me out of it. I'll tell you if you ’ll| books sent for review will be carefully considered, with a view to

promise nuttolaugh. When I first came, I was “thrown,” as people deciding how they shall be treated. The decisions thus come to will say, a good deal with the Tarmenr’s nephew—Onre. Crampron who} be carried out in a series of articles extending with absolute uni- has jast left Oxford. I was told he was very serious, rather shy, | formity over the whole field of contemporary literature. philanthropic, and has *‘ views” ; also that he had done a t dea! PROFITS. of good in the West End. This interested me, and I tried to draw him out. They had omitted to mention that he was dreadfully sus- ceptible. We talked for Aours in the garden, nearly all the time— | - genet 4 at first—about the housing of the rich and besstle cases of over-| Well-known sccountants Messrs, izcke a¥D Bagzancey have in- crowding—at London parties. He was very earnest and ascetic (he | formed the Directors that the gains of these papers from reviewing never drinks anything but hot water, and doesn’t smoke); he lent me | and literary gossip alone amount to £10,632,009 12s. 7d. annually. As A oclinn tice ten elites tiieeliamenn-oaeiitanniaia ieee T und 1! these papers will henceforth, on their literary side, be worked by the “# P ie 1 w,.__| Directors with all the latest improvements, even larger gains may be had drifted into an absurd sort of private half-engagement! Yes | looked for in the immediate future. ’ was insane enough to agree—— Isn't it dreadful ? } : BOOMING, , 2 Ontet will be well off, but he intends to spend all his money on| This department will be managed by a paragraphist of unrivalled founding model slums, where the people are to be teetotallers and do | experience, who will have under his orders a large staff of skilled bootmaking or something, and be a happy little colony. Onxrer’s| assistants thoroughly instructed in the use of the new patent mitrailleuse Boomerangs, ten of which will be fixed in the chief office of the Company at No. 1, Log Rolls Yard. Literary shareholders to The profits of the business to be thus carried on must be gigantic. After a careful inspection of the books of all British newspapers the

an example. I was enormously impressed by this at first; but I am really almost nineteen, but wonderfully well preserved, very clever, BLUDGEON WORK, and s» cynical that he is quite an optimist. Almost directly, he| For this style of reviewing a separate department has been estab- asked me how long I had known Oxtet Crampron. I said about a| lished, under the joint management of three well-known literary fortnight. “‘Ah! then you must be engaged to him. Poor old | failures, Messrs. Scrrstey, Fister anp Giretey. By a careful Onxre.! He’s really uite extraordinarily old-fashioned.” |imitation of the worst models, and by assiduously cultivating their ** How old is he ?” I asked, in faltering tones. own natural coarseness, the managers anticipate very remarkable “He has rather a way of pretending to be young, I fancy. But he| results. Style will be no object, but every worker in this depart- must be four-and-twenty if he isaday. You need not say I told you.” | ment will be expected to provide his own rhinoceros hide and stock of It’s evidently the fashion to be rery young—for men, at least. | allusions to Ranerais. All holders of less than three shares will come Sometimes I wish it were the fashion to be old enough to know | urder the operation of thisdepartment. The Company intend shortly, better. If Onrer really has been engaged before, and may be again, | however, to issue £10 debentures, the owners of which will be per- and if getting engaged to people is only a sort of habit of his, perhaps | mitted once a year to ballot for the privilege of reviewing the book of he would not mind so very much if I were to break it off. | one of their friends. Bany Beaumont is (he says himself) “frankly Pagan.” He | INSURANCE SCHEME, thinks One too serious for me, and advises me to marry at leisure,| The Directors propose to organise a scheme of insurance against as | am quite sure, anyhow, to repent in haste. He wanted to send | hostile reviews and obdurate editors. For an annual payment of £24 a paragraph to the Post to say “ A marriage has been arranged, and | an insurer will be entitled to one favourable review during the year ; will shortly be broken off, between Mr. Onret Crampton and Miss|for £30 he will be absolutely guaranteed against unfavourable Gtapys Mayrrep, younger daughter,” and so on. . | criticism. A small yearly payment, varying according to age, will en- Last night, when we were playing games, ORTEL went out while we | title his widow to claim £1000 at his death upon furnishing a certifi- thought of a word, and he got ery angry with me because I bad said | cate, signed by Mr. Besant and the family dooter, that he died after the moon was “‘ vegetabl»” and Ae said it was “mineral.” He may | reading an unfavourable notice of oneof his books. All literary mea, be right, or he may not—I daresay he is—but still he need not be | however, are recommended to subscribe £30 a year, thus obtaining 4 Il am afraid I should not be happy with him. He collects postage | FEMALE BRANCH wp Sy a OS todoit. Can |... This will be known as the “George Department,” and will be con- one get a bangle rivetted off ? I have just heard that the Louse fected by war new wat div « eater pean 7 Cigarettes ot 4 oppmns 4 ; ‘5-0 ; : eys, and a summary of divorce court ings wi ept on the Horrers and Captain Masuoveton are coming to play tennis on | premises, Novels med out while you wait. ours. Lyxw Livros Sunday! Of course, I shall show absolute indifference. I wired : : : once to town for my new dress, Mrs. Horren may as well see it. - | will not be admitted during office hours. c Basy Beacmont is always changing his es, and has two) button-holes sent down from London daily. He says he “intends to | Someraine New ox rwe Daama.—Mr. Huwry Irvine, it appears, revive the gardenia.” ... Onret has just gone out for a *'brisk| has made a great hit in a one-part piece written by Dr. Cona¥ walk before dinner.” Aren't we utterly unsuited to each other ? | Dorze, entitled A Story of Waterloo, Probably Mr. J. L. Toot Your loving friend, Gtaprs. | will follow it up with 4 Story of Brandy-and- Waterloo, in which

P.S.—Js the moon mineral ? | our cheerful comedian will appear as a regular Wetter un. —

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‘HARD to act ch all ew to 0 will | } uni- alled cilled atent office | rs to ntial tab- rary reful their cable vart- ok of ome rtly, per- »k of inst £24 par ; able | en- tifi- fter nen, ig a on- ch- the TON ars, vAN OLE ich | i | | | | | MA il I | In Bottles, 2s., PUNCH, OR THE OF ALL DEALERS. ‘Martell’s POTTLED IN COGNAC. FRERES’ |** FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGHE. VEER NC 'S wa MEDAL CopENHAGEN (RERRY BRANDY. The Best loiqueun _ GOLD PENS from 4s. each. GOLD PENS ONLY PERFECT DIPPING PEN. G PENS GOLD AND IRIDIUM POINTED. NS UITABLE FOR ANY HOLDER, OLD PENS EVERLASTING IN WEAR. IMPROVES THE HANDWRITING. A POSITIVE CURE FOR WRITER'S CRAMP. G PEN SECURES REGULARITY OF WRITING. GOLD PENS | MAT F TO SUIT EVERY HAND AND STYLE. ovr ano Paton List OW arriication. TODD, & BARD, wy ao of Yens and “ Swan" * Fountain Pens, 93, Cuearsive, , EC., and Wa, Reoent broser, W _ (Piccadilly End). (Established 1645. ‘SQUIRE'S von CHEMICAL DELICATE FOOD. CHILDREN. 3s. 6d., & Gs. each. CHEMISTS AND STORES, and of SQUIRE & SONS, ller Majesty's Chemists, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. TO SMOKERS. FLOR DE DINDICUL, indian CiOal, ** Connoisseurs **quisite favour and aroma. pre snounce them better than Havannahs.”"—Woatrs, pes ser 7 jones of i, 22s. and 20s. (ues peey ‘AY, sdand ‘ t free iz @ 14, Strand, & ‘a Chenpesae Ledeen. met bet ito AT ALL HOWARD BEDFORD IPLOUGHS§ LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocrosmr 6, 1894 FAR, FAR AND AWAY THE BEST NICHT LICHTS. | Single Wicks, burn | niné hours each. In | boxes containing eight | Protected Lights. 84. per box. | y Trade ” | Patents Marts. N.B.—No water) required. CLARKE'S “PYRAMID” NURSERY-LAMP FOOD- WARMER. 3/46, 5/-, and 6/- each. | All with registered Pannikins., | There is no Paraffine or other Dangerous Materia! used in the mantifacture of | these Lights. CLASEE’S PYRAMID & FAIRY LIGHT C0., Ltd, CRICKLEWOOD, LONDON, N.W. BRACES, The genuine bears the Trade Mark ‘ACARIC.” £5 reward for information leading to conviction of in ringers on conviction. Or att Hosrens awp Srones Evenrwoeas. Whole- sale of the leading Hosiery and Drapery Houses. Nore Yo «2 - " t *. - tmcsssmnnnee Senay uv" Sold only in l-ounce Packets, and *. condition 4. Bounce, and |-Ib. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in fine smoking Ask at all Tobacco Sellers’, Stores, &c., and take no other. SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED ACAINST IMITATIONS, The Genuine bears the Trade-~Mark, “ Nottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER'S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, in Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 60, and 100. The following extract from the “ Review or Reviews,” Nov., 1800, is of interest to every Smoker : THE PIPE IX THE WORKHOUSE.—The picture drawn by our Helper of the poor old man in the workhouse, puffing away at an empty pipe, has tourned the hearts of some of our corr who dates from the High Alps, ané signs himself “ Vid Screw.” says: “1 have been struck with in the October number of the Keview or Keviews for 4 scheme to supply moe) ’ with tobaceo. i am afraid, judged by the ordinary standards, | am the most selfish - pethieg of away for purposes of so-called charity. but this scheme of yours appenis at o to the om of a hardened and inveterate Tet Were | in Lonéon,| would at once starta fend, and jevy contributions for i My smoking acquaintances, bet, Agen A ay the Continent for the next nine as tia months. I can, nd of what 1 consider the BEST SMOKING tT vis, ‘Gino ket an cavetinmaizen 1 enciose, therefore, a cheque for the amount. THE GORDON HOTELS CO., have contracted with Messrs. J. SCHWEPPE &@ CO. (Lid.) Sor the entire supply of their Celebrated MINE- RAL WATERS (Seda Water, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Lid., Hotels, Lond which will also be supplied exclusively wih SCHWEPPER'S Waters at expiration (next Autumn) of a present con- tract, and where in the meantime TO TRAVELLERS. Messrs. W. D. & H. O. WILLS have pleasure in calling the atten- tion of the Travelling Public to the fact that their ‘‘BEST BIRD'S EYE” and “‘ THREE CASTLES” TOBACCO can be obtained in the following Towns in France: BORDEAUX—8 & 10 Passacn Sanort HAVRE—@ Bourevarn pve Srraso LYONS—7 Ruse pe 1a Rervsiique MARSEILLES—7 Rus pe Noaities NICE—Rvs pe Panis. PARIS—12 Bovtevarp prs (Gaaxp Hore), 15 Piace ve 1A Bounse. MONTE CARLO—P ace pu Casixo And from the principal Tobacco- nists throughout GERMANY, SWITZERLAND, NORWAY and SWEDEN, HOLLAND, BEL- GIUM, B RUSSIA, &e, PACKHAM’S | TABLE WATERS AME MADE WITH | DISTILLED WATER. Manufactory, Croydon COLEMAN'S WINGARNIS, LIEBIC’S EXTRACT OF MEAT AND MALT WINE. Highest Award at the Chicago Exhibition. Scld Brerywhere, in Bottles, 2s. 94. ani 4s. 64. Over 2000 testimonials received from Medica! Men SOLE MANUPACTUKERS— COLEMAN & CO., Ltd. Norwich and Londen. Carve Z S. MORDAN & ©O.'S LEADS, POR REPLENISHING THE PATENT PENCIL It is most ar ticula to the public that th lewlar attention to this arti but these of the genui: make; for the utility of the Vatent Perri leads being of an exact 1 de upon the and size, otherwise ise they Will choke wp the int of the pene |, and fender it useless Jouy, 3 BRINSMEAD & SONS’ | rom Comoatiaated ’ ‘D RIDGES. 1]

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Octoszr 6, 1894. | LEA & PERRINS SAUCE has been known for more than FIFTY YEARS YD ALL OVER THE WORLD. QY ASK FOR Ley CO LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE, And observe that ‘ ‘BEST «© CHEAPEST. ESTABLISHED 18625. in Blue Ink diagonally of every Bottle. | ' i I a INFANTS a || Sold Wholesale 9 the Proprietors, Worcester; CROSSE & CHII :DREN, BLACKWELL, Ld., London; and Export Oilmen generally. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. INVALIDS, an # WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. ASK YOUR qncoan FOR ze, T FR 0 aT COMPANY'S ® GROSSE & EXTRACT at BLACKWELL'S issue FRESH FRUIT JAMS. =z : pl = AND JELLIES, (= which are made from Freshly Gathered Acknowledged by all competent authorities to be invaluabie for making Fruits and Refined Sugar. THE PUREST, CHEAPEST, AND BEST — BEEF TEA. GROSSE & “BLACKWELL, LIMITED, | Unsurpassed for Improving, Strengthening, and Flavouring Soups, Sauces, Gravies, and made Dishes, {> the Signature Pps > is now printed | across the QUTSIDE WRAPPER SOHO SQUARE, LONDON. THE COMPANY'S COOKERY BOOK ete st 3, oEatpmucaton 9, Fenchurch , ee Printed by William 8 Loraine fload, Holhows: Parish , tslington, in the C ¢ Mi ng OMicee of Mesere. Bredbury, Co., Limited, Ldebard Stroct, in the Precincs of Whiteitomn ta he tier of London and pubttibes Ob kimnkt No. 0s, Fleet street, in the Pr Toate o'ss nota City of Lenaon--Sarensct, —— PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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UNDER Tr Been \«uacumee eee A STORY IN SCENES. you, —" mention this to Aunt.” By F. ANSTEY. + Admit Sr. Teovey and Party to. Box 0.” Crown 8vo, gilt top, price 5s. “The last place | expected to find you in I" At all the Booksellers, ’ you "ve found your spectacies |” any description. will in no case be returned, this rule there wil be no exception. Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. panied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To PRICE THREE PENGE. ications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of ia dint it ag ise i. it not even when accom 4 ) Of Na Noe ® ” PUNOH OFFICE, 86, =~ - STREET, LONDON. LE RY S CONCENTRATED COCOA “STRONGEST AND BEST.”— Ga” NOTICE.— Rejected Commun

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NEW NOVEL BY MES. WALPOED THE MATCHMAKER. By L. B. WALFORD, Aather of “ Mr Smith One Good Guest,” &e wo ey London 1 MANS, OHEEN & CO TH E ety LIBRARY. KR OF PEAT Seapegest,” & Iai ¥ * Mth Thousand HER ¢ ows FOLK. By Hecror No Kelations Trane " the rs tr " yy Lady Maat Leto in A. VICTIM OF ferme Loadun “ He hedford Street, W.C. CHATTO & WINDUS’S NEW BOOKS. AND PENCILSKETCHES ith 4 Phet« t osand a Be. ml —~ ve sle., domy Lad ant Bis : an FDITION DE LUXE, limited to 100 copies arefully printed on large size Japanese MY: FIRST BOOK. By Waxren *, W. Crane Rees: ALtnn aie ‘ bnop K. Some, BR Ker » A Comes Db *, MF. Haaw w “i #iveow, 1. Rewen Ma an XM. RB a” we, I Zan M et Rosrarse, D. Cunveris Moraat, Manie Cone 4 we K Jrnowr, Jomm Srastoe W Haer H re a, KM cear Kn Roararl «frevexson. With o PREPAY im "STORY by JEROM K. JPROME ana | li tions. Bmall demy Sve, cloth extra, VIGNETTES. S@ROON SERIES by Averi» Crown Sve, buc extra, és LONDON. By Water Besant. With 1 ations New ” Cheaper Sve. eleth extra, js NEW LIBRARY NOVELS. pe... ENDICOTT'S (PE. RACHEL DENE. By Roserr mavam. Two Vols At MARKET VALUE. By A COUNTRY SWEETHEART. Three Vols FLAMMARION'S POPULAR ASTRONOMY: 2 General Description of the Heavens J ransiated from the French by J. Eicann Goar, F RAS. With 3 Pilates and 266 Lliustrations Medium Svo, cloth extra, its PHANTASTES : A Faerie Ro- Geoenmee Macvoxsto. With 25 Iestrations by Bell. Or. Ove on th extra, 3s. 6d H's VANISHED STAR. By sates Eopent Carppocn, Author of “ The Prophet of the Great Smoky Mountains Crowa Svo, cloth extra, 3s ROMANCES OF THE OLD By H. KN. Carucce. With @ Weed. Crown bvo, ElourzzTx CENTURY kram me by Stanley L. cloth extra, Ss, 6d LOURDES. By Emme Zona, ated by B. A. Vuewrecer. Crown bro, cloth extra, 3s. 6d A NYE'S HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES. With 146 Comic Illus trations by F. Opper. Crown Svo, cloth extra, as. 64 Londo ‘ HATTO & WINDUS, ™, Pleeadilly, W. w “Roo »keto read andre read with unfit inginterest.” Hy James Baker, Author of “ By the Western Sea.” MARK TILLOTSON, 548 pp. 6 tise manly work.”’- Naw eseves Cmaont- “ Characters artistically handled all en dued with vitality and individuality.”"—Tiwee, “A strong nevel with vigorous 7 pose Pact Mace Gaserre. * work Lrreaaery Weoaco. “ A curious the story of Jabex Halfour Josura Marron in nis OCrosnerre Parone JOHN | WESTACOTT. 448 pp., ulsite literary work "—Scoren “ Good et jon and great literary ability gene Gaaruic. “ Ratrancing novel. ’—Livearce: 0" TORS, 112 pp.. le. “ May be studied with great advantage at the present crisis Ti nee 6 LOW @ OO., London, and al) Booksellers. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroper 13, 1894. PORT Bn. T WATSON ARCHERY. fr C J. LONOMAN and H Waa FOUR NEW NOVELS. ALL LIBRARIES AND BOOKSELLERS THE! EBB. TIDE. 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INSTEAD OF A QUILL. “ The fastest pens we have ever used.” (4. and ls. per Box, at all Stationers. Sample Pox of al) kinds, Is. id. by Post. Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. Clarke's Re ed * Might-Light Watch-older. —Sroaremax. CLARKE’S PATENT FAIRY LICHTS, paulo rn, in exes containing six po ge Sm 10 in a box. 1/- per box. “a CLAREE'S PYRAMID & FAIRY LseET 90., Lid. (RICKLEWOOD, LONDON, REAL OCRMAy RAZOR Warranted lertecit —_ — rlyrtle TADDY and TOBACCO. FOR PIPE OR CIGARETTE. AMMONIA all Grocers, Chemists, Etc MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS SAVE YOUR LIVES BY TAKING OWBRIDGE'S LUNG TONIC. THE MIGHTY HEALER. It has a power over disease hitherto unknown in medicine. HAVE YOU A COUGH? WILL RELIEVE HAVE YOU A COLD? A DOSE AT BEDTIME Bronchitis and Asthma tt relieves instantly. The Spasms of Whooping Cough become less with ek dose af the medicine. Prepared by OWBRIDGE, Chemist, Hiul! Sold in No ttles, hg? nis 2s. 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—— | | he deserves it, for, with the assistance of his two collaborators, CeciL

| | | | | | | Ocropgr 13, 1894.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 169

gy MAKING THE RUNNING WITH “THE DERBY WINNER. DuvrioLanvs has scored another success. And why not? Surely | Rateicn and Henry Hamrrton, Sir Avevsrcs Hirurs has treined

“ Three to One on.” a Derby winner that will carry all before him over the Drury Lane course until the place is required for the pantomime. And the train- ing has been most judicious. The problem the three . stable companions (for the piece is nothing if not horsey) set themselves was to uce a that would fill the Grand National tre both before and behind the curtain. This problem they have solved to the satisfaction of all parties, The method adopted is simple enongh. Take, for instance, the First Act. One of the authors no doubt suggested the interior of a country huuse. ‘* Quite so,” says DrurIoLanvs, ‘‘a nobleman’s country house. I will show you how to do it.” And he does, **0 Todgers’s can do it when it likes!” Gorgeous hall with a billiard table thrown in at the back to give an idea of the luxury and magnitude. And then the company! Earls and Countesses and Lords and Ladies and a Duchess! Why, even the villain is a major in a crack cav regiment, and the low comedian a surgeon who worn the Queen’s uni- form. Apparently to give the latter additional aris- toeratie gloss, the Duchess is to be in love with him. And the plot? Why, of course. Let Miss Atma Stan ey arrive direct from India to sow dis- cord between my Lord the hero and my Lady the heroine, This she does, looking charming in her villainy, and wearing a striking costume. My Lord tells her “* to begone” (a most unreasonable request, by the way, as she has arrived at the Hall in the middle of the night, with evidently any number of . boxes), but she won’t. Miss Atma Sranuey prefers to faint in ~~, aay arms, to the great indignation of my Lady. and curtain,

Next, please. The Downs, and a trial of the ’osses. Then we have a meet of horses, saddle and otherwise. The “otherwise” are harnessed to a pony-chaise that looks as if it had come from the | Lowther Areade. Miss Atma Stancey rides in on a steed of her own. My Lord, the hero, objects to the gracious presence of this fair equestrian, and gets a horse-whipping for his trouble. Then the trial comes off. The noble ‘aueaale canter across the stage. The dramatis persone describe their progress to one another as they make the running behind the scenes, ll first-rate and life-like. Haven't | we seen it ourselves in the early morn? Then they reappear (amidst immense enthusiasm) as cardboard profile in the distance, to make a final entry in the horseflesh from the O. P. wings. Capitally done, and a great success, Stalls, Circle, Pit, Boxes, and Gallery, all de- lighted. So are they with the military ball at York. Nearly every body inuniform, Hussars, Gunners, Hi Lacoders, Fasileers, and Yeomen. My Lord the hero a: as Colonel of his county Yeomanry. Quite right, he has left service, and taken to the reserve. en there is the cotillion, and my Lord finds himself, to his surprise, dancing with Miss Arma Srantey. He is again caught by my Lady, the heroine (the poor chap is always compromising himself at the wrong moment), and there is course only one so the stage for years. Daruriotanvs has all the details at bis finger-

tips, ani the ball at his feet. Keep it rolling !

VOL, CVIL, |has eloped with the Villainous Major to a hotel.

Tableau | nent), and tion to this embar- ; rassing situation, and that is,—curtain. No better ball scene been on | In the next Act we find that the Countess, in full ball costume, My Lady has allowed her companion to describe themselves as Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So in the porter’s book. But thus far and no farther. When the Major politely begs the loan of her heart, the Countess bids him go, and treats hie really with absolute eness. The Major, after a terrible pin with my Lady, in which he gets the worst of it, is completely crushed, and probably inwardly ents the very considerable expense to which he must have been put by the elope- ment, At this crisis enter my Lord the hero, wand tableau. After this, the audience feels that the correct prescription is to cut the dialogue and come to the ‘*’osses.” And toa great extent this yrescription is adopted. There is a first-class scene of a sale at attersall’s, and a very realistic view of the finish at the Derby. The throng cheer behind the curtain, and so does the throng in front of it. The task is complete: both sides of the green baize are crowded with + people. - at t is exceptionally good. Scenery, music, 8' manage- ment, and incidental music all excellent. Mrs. Tous Wess first- rate, as good as ever, and Miss Atma Srantey greatly distinguishes herself. So does Mr. Canrwricut as the most matter-of-fact villain that ‘‘in this distressful country has ever yet been seen.” When he murders, or ruins, or seriously inconveniences anyone, he observes sotto voce to himself, in a tone that would be equally appropriate were he thanking an omnibus conductor for giving him change for sixpence, ‘‘I thought I should do it.” en Mr. ArTuur Bovrcurer and Miss Beatrice Lams as My Lord and My Lady could not be better. And Miss Partie Browne, Miss L. Moonie, and Miss Herrre Deve, all the right people in the right places, as are both Mr. Grorce Gippins call We. Lionet Rienotp. To sum up, The Derby Winner has won, and Sir Dauriotanvs has more

“* Sold!” than satisfied his enthusiastic backers the public, and he and they will have a real good run for their money.

IF NOT, WHY NOT? (“Saran Granp has contributed an article on ‘ Should irascible Old Gen- tlemen be taught to Knit?’ to the forthcoming issue of ‘ Phil May's Winter Annual.’ ”°—Evening paper, October 2.) Tus will shortly be followed by a series of papers on the following subjects :—** Shall hysterical Old Ladies be encouraged to smoke *”’ : “Should elderly, short-tempered Dowagers be permitted to use bad anguage ?”’ . ee ‘Shall Octogenarian Barmaids be obliged to flirt ’” ‘* May decayed Duchesses play pitch-and-toss ¢” 2 -— Professional Beauties of a certain age be compulsorily retired?” ** Are Burlesque Actresses of over forty years’ standing to attend Sunday-school f” < , ‘* May Ballet-girls teach their grand-children to knit ?”’ ‘* Should eross-eyed Viscountesses catch flies ?”’ “Ought Old Girls generally to make ** Should Prima donnas in their dotage “Can the ‘ Shirt-front Brigade’ be taught * good form’ ?” “* May Lady Novelists dispense with the historic present ?”’ ‘* Should much-married Adventuresses read 7'he Family Ierald? ‘* May timid Gentlewomen join the Pioneer Club?” Ard “Is not the New Woman played out t”

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i Mil All Hil nal | ~ —— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoumr 13, 1894. | ml’ rl ! ON MMs “I’M GETTING A BIG GIRL NOW!” Miss Unirrep Lonpon PUTTING AWAY ALL HER PRETTY Toys AND PLAYTHINGS. | RK - ore = —— aa eal Th MN NM wie —_—_——

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Ocroper 13, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 17 RYO POPOV. Z “ t¢ . PT ¢ 1) hha Vi if - GY, WHFS ChE taf GE (4g Vy Yi Je YY VL) Wijsgs WZ Ziti Lilia f V4, 7 LZ ies a a el 3 f, Vp- —_- 4 CROP. A BACKWARD Li] Young Mr. Green (who wants a Hunter for the coming Season), ‘‘Ya—as ; BUT He's GoT sucH A Sexpy Tari!” Dealer, ‘‘Seepy? Au, THAT’s IT! RIN A BIT BACKARD THIS Season!” JUST GERMINATIN’, IT Is, Wayr 0’ SunsHine, yer see. Lor’ BLESS Y’, THINGS 18 MOSTLY | I | “I'M GETTING A BIC CIRL NOW!” (Soxc ror Miss Uniriep Lonpoy.) Airn—‘' I'm Getting a Big Girl Now!” | I’ve had all the pleasures belonging to youth, Its sweetmeats, its larks, and its toys. But I —* with regret, what is really the truth, That girls will grow old, just like boys. I'd like still to play in the jolly old way, But the world will not let me somehow, I know what it means; I am now in my _ teens. Ycs; I’m getting a big girl now! Chorus. I’m getting a big girl now, And they tell me it ’s time I knew how To behave more like one, _And in toys find less fun ; For I’m getting a big girl now! I’ve had a good time for a number of years, And I’m sure I’m not anxious to change But the very best swim there is somebody queers, They won’t let me alone—it ’s so strange ! t does give one a shock ; but I ’ve outgrown my froc My girdle won’t meet anyhow ; ey’re beginning to quiz, Ah! I see how it is; I’m getting a big girl now Chorus, a getting a big girl now, | romp someone kicks up a row They tell me I chu Too much money on “ tuck” !— Ah! I’m getting a big girl now! I know there’s a party who’s anxious to spoil|I am euch a whopper, it may be im- | My nice Jittle games at Guildhall. He growls *‘turn up turtle and toys, Miss, and (oil, Gog and Magog are no good at all. Your coaches, and horses, and tin-armoured | forces, Are babyish bosh, and bow-wow! You must scorn grub and ease—like those good L.C.C, a For you ’re getting a big girl now! Chorus. ** You are getting a big girl now; You must turn up the tuck-shop I vow. A cut of cold mutton Go take—with good Hutron! For you're getting a big girl now!” I own that I hate to be talked to like this ; And as to those L.C.C. prigs They always hold up as a ‘* Model for Miss,” 1’ll give ’em beans yet—please the pigs ! Me fussy ard frugal like dowdy McDor- GALL ?— | Well—well ; no use raising a row Like all girls and boys I must give up my | For I’m getting a big girl now! toys. | Chorus, | And as to the tuck | I must cut it—worse luck ! For I’m getting a big girl now Gog! Magog!! Alas!!! Is it quite infra) o drop a few tears over you? Yes, I’m getting a big girl now; My dollies must go anyhow ; | Good-bye, dear old toys! I am getting too | For dolls, dressing up,and—bohoo! [dig. | proper, ; But—there, I am blubbing—wow-tcow ! | Goed-bye, rore and myrtle! Farewell toys and turtle! : I'm getting a big girl now. Chorus, piling a big girl now, Yes, I’m y sorry somehow,) (And feel In Unification They think there’s salvation For one, who’s a big girl now! MUDDY MILAN. Once I thought that you could boast Such a ect southern sky, Flecked with summer clouds at mcst ; Always mm oe always dry, . arm enough, perhaps, to grill an Englishman, 6 muddy Milan ! Now I find you soaking wet, Underneath an English sky ; Pavements, medieval yet, ce mud splashes ever fis ; And, to make one damp and ill, an Endless downpour, muddy Milan! you boast such works of art, Where is that unclouded sky ? Muddy Milan, we must part, I shall y fay good-bye, Pack, and pay my little bill—an Artless thing—and leave you, Milan. A Reatty “ IypEerenpEnt or Lanove | Party.”—Mr. Kere Harvie, M P.

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[Ocroper 13, 1894.

| 172 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI Spurr. 1 was surprised myself to find what a lot they thought of | LYRE AND LANCET. it ; but, bless oon, tae ’re all as civil as shopwalkers ; , as for (A Story in Scenes.) the ladies, why, the old Countess and Lady Marsre and Lady Ruopa PART XV.—TRAPPED! couldn't be more complimentary if I’d won the Victoria Cross, instead ’ tae : : of getting a first prize for breeding and exhibiting a bull bitch at Scene XXIV.—<A Gallery outside the Verney Chamber. Crurt's Dog Show! Time —About 10.15. himself, as he emerges from a back staircase). The Boy said the name of the room l andersheli to I suppone this 1s the corridor ? was painted up over the door.... Ah, there it is: and, yes, Mr. Secreetc’s name on a card.... The door is ajar; he is probably waiting for me inside. I shall meet him quite temperately, treat it simply as a—— (He enters; a waste-paper basket, contain- ing an ingenious arrangement of liquid and solid substances, descends n his head.) What the devil do you mean, Sir, by this out- rageous ’ All dark! Nobody here! Is there a general con- spiracy to insult me? Have I been lured up here for a brutal—— (With cold dignity, RRELL bursts in.) Ah, there you are, Sir! through the lattice-work of the basket.) Will you kindly explain what this means ? Spurrell, Wait till I strike a light After lighting a pair of andles.) Well, Sir, if you don’t know why you’re ramping about like that under a waste-paper basket, I can hardly be expected to Spt Und, I was determined not to remove it until somebody came in ; it fell on my head the moment I entered; it contained some- thing in a soap-dish, which has wetted my face. You may laugh, Sir, but if thisis a sample of your aristocratic Spurr. If you could only see yourself! But J'd nothing to do with it, ‘pon my word I hadn't ; only just this minute got awsy from the hall.... ZJknow! It's that sulky young beggar, Brar- rakk. I remember he slipped off on some excuse or other just now. He must have come in here and fixed that affair up for me—con- found him ! Und. I think Z’m the person most <«ntitled to—— But no matter; it is merely one insult more among so many. I came here, Sir, for a purpose, as you are aware. Spurr. (ruefully). Your dress clothes?’ All right, you shall have them directly. I wouldn't have put ’em on if I’d known they 'd be wanted so soon. Und. I should have thought your own would have been more comfortable More comfortable! I helieve you. Why, I assure you I feel like a Bath bun in a baby’s sock! But how was I to know? | You shouldn't leave your things 2 about like that! Und. It is usual, Sir, for people to come to a place like this provided with evening clothes of Meir own. Spurr. | know that as well as you do. Don't you suppose I’m unacquainted with the usages of society! Why, I’ve stayed in boarding-houses at the seaside many a time where it was de rigger to dress—even for high tea! But coming down, as I did, on business, it never entered my head that I should want my dress suit. So when I found them all as chummy and friendly as possible, and expecting me to dine as a matter of course,—why, I can tell you I was too jolly glad to get hold of anything in the shape of a swallowtail and white choker to be over particular! ‘nd. You seem to have been more fortunate in I. But then J had not the advantage of being capacity. Spurr. Well, it wasn’t that altogether. a celebrity in my way. ’ Und. [ should hardly have thought that would be a recommenda- ton here, Spurr. a a« our reception than ere in a business You see, I’m a kind of

Z YZ Y 4 yy £ a. / ’ Z 1 tt pip “ He suddenly comes face to face with his own reflection.” Und. (bitterly, to himself), And this is our aristocracy! They make a bosom friend of a breeder of dogs; and find a poet only fit to associate with their servants! Whatathemefora satirist! (A/loud.) [ see nothing to wonder at. You possess precisely the social qualifi- cations most likely to appeal to the leisured class, Spurr. Oh, there’s a lot of humbug in it, mind you! Most of ’em know about as much of the points of a bull as the points of a compass, only they let on to know a lot because they think it’s smart. And some of ‘em are after a pup from old Drummy’s next litter. J see through all that, you know ' Und. You are a cynic, I observe, Sir. But possibly the nature of the business which brings you here renders them—— Spurr. That’s the rummest thing about it. I haven’t heard ~ a word about that yet. I’m in the veterinary profession, you know. Well, they sent for me to see some blooming horse, and never even ask me to go near it! Seems odd, don’t it ? SE "SA Z Z pe OZ near the blooming horse! begin to understand; the very servants did not expect to find a professional vet in any company but their own! (Aloud.) I-I trust that the horse will not suffer through any delay. Spurr. 80 do I; but how dol know that some ignorant duffer mayn’t be treating him for the wrong thing ? with the animal before I get a chance of seeing what I can do! Und. (to himself). If he knew how near I went to getting the poor beast shot! But I needn’t mention that now. Spurr. I don’t say it isn’t gra- tifying to be treated like a swell, but I’ve got my professional re- putation to consider, you know ; and if they’re going to take up all my time talking about Andromeda— Und. (with a start). Andro- meda ! ey have been talking about Andromeda? To you! Then it’s vou who—— Spurr. Haven’t I been telling you? I should jast jolly well think they hare been talking about her! So you didn’t know my bull’s name was Andromeda before, eh? But you seem to have heard of her, too! Und. (slowly). I—I hare heard cf Andromeda— yes. [ He drops into a chair, dazed. Spurr. (complacently), It’s curious how that bitch’s fame seems to have spread. Why, even the old Bishop——_ But, I say, you’re looking rather queer; anything the matter with you, old fellow ” Und, (faintly), Nothing—nothing. I—lI feel a little giddy, that’s all. I shall be better presently. [ He conceals his face. Spurr. (in concern). It was having that basket down on your head like that. Too bad! Here, I'll get you some water, (He bustles about.) I don’t know if you’re aware of it, old chap, but you’re in a regular dooce of a mess ! Und. (motioning him away irritably). Do you suppose I don't know that? For heaven’s sake, don't speak to me! let me alone! ... want to think—I want to think. (Zo himself.) 1 see it all now! I’ve made a hideous mistake! I thought these Cu_vermys were deliberately And all the time Oh, what an unspeakable idiot I’ve been!... And I can’t even explain!... e only thing to do is to escape before this fellow suspects the truth, It’s lucky I ordered that carriage! (Aloud, rising.) I’m all right ae: a I can’t stay here any longer. I am leaving directly —directly !

—— Und. (to himself). I had to go | i Now | | It may be all up|

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OctropgR 13, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173 Spurr. You must give me time to get out of this toggery, old chap; you'll have to pick me out of it like a lobster ! T bay mee aa The clothes? Never mind them now. I can’t wait. Keep them ! Spurr. Do you really mean it, old fellow? If you could spare ’em a bit longer, I’d be no end obliged. use, you see, I promised Lady Rona to come and finish a talk we were having, and they ’ve taken away my own things to brush, so I haven't a rag to go down in except these, and they’d all think it so rude if I went to bed now! Und. (impatiently), I tell you you may keep them, if you’ll only go away! Spurr. But where am I to send the things to when I’ve done with em ? Und. What doI—— Stay, here’s my card. Send them to that address. Now go and finish your evening! Spurr. (gratefully). You are a rattling good chap, and no mistake! These I’m hanged if I can quite make out what you ’re doing here, you Know. Und. It’s not at all necessary that-you should know. I am leay- ing inmeleeey and—and I don’t wish Sir Rurerr or Lady Cur- VERIN to hear of this—you tand ? Spurr. Well, it’s no business of mine; you ’ve behaved devilish will to me, and I’m not surprised that you’d rather not be seen in the state you’rein. I shouldn’t like it myself! Und. State? What state? Spurr. Ah, I wondered whether you knew. You'll see what I mean when you ’ve had a look at yourself in the glass. I 9 it ll come off right enough. I can’t stop. Ta, ta, old fellow, thanks awfully [He goes out, ‘ Und a pled deere td oy I’ve no time to vane. ‘here have put m mantean can’t give up everything. (He hunts pee | the pe and eventually discovers a door leadin into a small dressing-room.) Ah, it’s in there. I'll get it out, os | ’ put my things in. (4s he rushes back, he suddenly comes face to face with his own reflection 'in a cheval glass.) Wh—who’s that ?4 Can this—this piebald horror possibly be—me? How-——? Ah," it was ink in that infernal basket—not water! And my hair’s full of ; flour! 1 can't go into a hotel like this, they’d think I was an escaped lunatic! (He flies to a wash-hand stand, and scrubs and sluces desperately, after which he inspects the result in the mirror.) It's’ not nearly off yet! Will anything get rid of this streakiness ? (JZe soaps and scrubs once more.) And the flour’s caked in my hair now! I must brush it all out before I am fit to be seen. (Je gradually, after infinite toil, succeeds in making himself slightly more presentable.) Is the carriage waiting for me all this time ? (We pitches things into his portmanteau in a frantic flurry.) at’s that? Some one’s coming! (He listens. Tredwell (outside). It’s my conviction you’ve been telling me a ack 0” lies, you young raseal. For what hearthly business that feller NDERSHELL could ‘ave in the Verney—— However, J’Il soon see how itis. (He knocks.) Is anyone in ‘ere? Und. (to himself, distractedly), He mustn’t find me here! Yet, where—— Ah, it’s the only place! [He blows out the candles, and darts into the dressing-room as TREDWELL enters. Tred. The boy’sright. He isimhere ; them candles is smouldering still. (Ze relights one, and looks under the bed.) You'd better come out o’ that, UnpeRsHELt, and give an account of yourself—do you ’earme?... He ain’t under there! (He tries the dressing-room door ; UspersHEtn holds his breath, and clings desperately to the handle.) Very well, Sir, I know you’re there, and I ’vye no time to trouble with you at present, so you may as well stay where you are till you’re wanted. I’ve’eard o’ your goings-on from Mr, ApAms, and I shall ’ave to fetch Sir Rurert up to ‘ave a talk with you by- and-by. aed turns the key upon him, and goes. Und, (to himself, overwhelmed, as the Butler's step is heard retreating). And I came down hereto assert the dignity of Literature ! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Our Grorce pu Maurier is in analagous case to that of a dramatie character of whom he may possibly have heard. M. Jour- dain one day happed upon the discovery that he had been talking | prose all his life without knowing it. Mr. pv Maurier has liv through half a century master of an | exquisite style, and only now makes the discovery known to the world. Plain indications of the fact were given in Peter Ibbetson. But in re- spect of style and in other matters, Trilby, just blished by Oscoop, McIuvaine & Co., is a prodigious im- provement. That a man who has made his mark in pencil should, on taking up his pen, disclose ion of the rare gift of style, strikes the literary person with more marvel even than is evoked by discovery of a new novelist who can construct a plot and delineate character. Mr. pu MAvuRIER has rich endowment of all these gifts, which shine on every page of Trilby. thing quite apart from the run of before him with a deathless book in werfally and tenderly portrayed. oa on amon wy my on student — . ein Paris n not fear comparison _ Accompanying Trilby, with La Vie de Boheme, which is praise of the kind Sir Hunert Srantey hoarded. Beyond that, growing out of it, is the boldly conceived, firmly-drawn, and charm- ingly coloured character of 7'rilby, with her curious entourage, her varied life, and her tragic end. Little Billee, in whom some will find revived lost memories of a dear friend, is a charming personality. Whilst Paty and the Laird are live men. With such wealth of material and such felicity of touch, Mr. pv MAvRieRr might well have foregone the temptation of allowing Little Billee to hold forth on theo. eaieal subjects to his dog, at a h inevitable in the pulpit, but a ttle out of place as an interlude in a novel. This passage supplies a jarring note in an otherwise almost ect symphony. One turns with eagerness to the Life of, rances Power Cobbe, more especially when it bears the honoured imprimatur of BENTLEY. Miss Conne has lived long, enjoying full opportunity of seeing things and le. She ought tohaye written a good book. ‘“ Instead of which,” as the judge once said, she presents a slovenly-written, ill- digested mass miscellaneous matter, including whole chapters devoted to digests of her published works. Pleased with herself | in admiration. of her style, readers may miss the Te yo and | | the opposite of high jumping. As to poor CARLYLE, Miss Conpe “never aonak Speaking of one of her books, of which the fortunate reader will find He bad, siorcover, given us 6 thew |a fall summary in the first volume, Miss Conner says, ‘ It was very English novels. Henwnt Murcer was | which life in the Quartier Latin is| |shall throb against the House of Lords or whether it shall forbear, from most aspects, she particularly admires her literary style. There isa ane the bok Ween she? plaintively fromes A 4 that, lost importance of her writing ;—this in volumes thet bristle with such monstrosities as ‘‘ compared to,” *‘ disapproved of,” and ‘‘ from thence,” the latter a favourite foible of Miss Copner’s style. In the eecond. volume there are some attempts at what was naturally looked for, to wit, reminiscences of le the present generation would like to meet. But the burly, com t figure of the diarist intervenes just as they come into view. She tells us what she said to them, not, what we are burning to hear, what they said to her. On the whole, looked at through Miss Conse’s spectacles, they were a poor lot. Of Rewan she writes, ‘* The impression he has left on me is one of disappointment and short-falling.” Short-falling is ** style” of the athletic order, and, my Baronite vaguely surmises, is the admiration felt for him by so many able men.” Grorce Borrow, who wrote The Bible in Spain, she ‘‘ never liked, think- ing him more or Jess a hypocrite.” Professor TynpAL is more in favour, since, in reply to the gift of one of Miss Conne’s instruct - ive books, the Professor wrote an acknowledgment, the exquisite irony of which his correspondent evidently does not see. One other partial concession is made in a passage sublime in its fatuousness. favourably reviewed, but some of my fellow Theists rather disap- proved of the tribute I had paid to Christ.’ The volumes bear on the front the Conse coat of arms and motto. The family may, we are assured, be traced back through four centuries, and, even in the present degenerate days, is highly connected. lan Whilst the great heart of the is considering whether it Mr. Swrrr MacNern, Q.C., M.P., has deliverrd at that ancient institution what the Marchioness was accustomed to describe as ‘' a wonner.” Titled Corruption is the olluring style of the neatly- bound volume issued by Fisnen Uswin. There is, my Baronite says, a touch of artistic genius in the contrast between the plein, unassuming calico binding of the book and the blood and thunder that rolls through its pages. It is ** the sordid origin of some Irish wages”? that Mr. Swirr MacNestt undertakes to set forth. Fochane if he were solely responsible for the work, its stertling statements might be dismi as coloured by fervid fancy. He, however, supports himself with the dictum of Mr. Lecxy, “‘ the majority of Irish titles are historically connected with memories not of honour but of shame,” and illustrates it by extracts from con- fidential letters of Lords Lieutenants of Ireland, recommending gentlemen for the peerage. Altogether an interesting withdrawal of the curtain dropped before passages in the history of Ireland on the eve of the Union. Signed and approved in the Baronite Office by Tur Jupiciovs Banos px Boox-Worms. =

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octopgr 13, 1894. Re VERY CLEVER sigh of relief). *‘ Wait, po you xxrow, I r#0verr you wEREN'T!” WT ' BREAKING THE ICE. . “I’ve gor To TAKE rou rmero Divwer, Miss Travers—anp I'm RATHER AFRAID OF Yor, You Kxow! I’m wor A Bit CLEVER!” She (highly amused), ‘Tlow assvrp ! y 4 Din i . A) - t Mrs. JOLIBOIS O, may her sleep, | BE. A. Poe's “ The Sleeper.’ Bettonxa sleeps! If sleep it be That nightmare slumber, restlessly Haunted by dream-world'’s wizardry. So Sisraa slept within the tent, Restless, though way-worn and war-spent, Whilst Jarc’s fierce face above him bent. Wake not, War-Goddess! Dreads now to hear the war-cry skirled; To see the battle-flag unfurled. Our Denorans now invoke not war, And urge not to its shock and jar The princes of our Issacuar. | An awesome hush is o'er the earth, It checks our joy, it mutes our mirth. Foreboding some prodigious birth, — Some monstrous issue, that may sweep Earth's plains with red from deep to deep; And thou dst sleep, still thou dost sleep ! So Denorag cried To Barak in her prophet-pride, But earth hath now no prophet-guide. Our bravest Baraxs well may quail At the dread thought of that fierce hail, That shall brat Europe like a flail. We see ia dreams War's shrieking seythe Whirl through earth's ranks thet fall and| Mrs. R. (correcting). A torpedo liver you Since—a great fact, though he shrinks from Ca Of our best manhood taking tithe. . | What dreams are thine? That restless hand Stretches, in sleep, to grasp the brand. We watch! What may we understand ? Bettowa sleeps! Oh, may that sleep, Though it seem restless, yet be deep ! | May Somnus hold her in his keep! Humanity prays that she may lie For ever with unopened eye !— But—what dim sheeted ghosts go by ¢ What of what coming woes, What vision-shocks of phantom foes Make that hand stretch, and clutch, and close ? What rattle of the war-dogs’ chain Steals through dull slumber to her brain ” Are Love’s bland opiates all in vain ? Vain Science, Commerce, Human ruth, The love of Right, the search of Truth, Wiedom of Sage and warmth of Youth ? | That hand, stretched in half-conscious quest Of the war-weapon, doth attest | Awakening’s prelude in—Unrest ' Wake not, War-Goddess! When you stir, The Raven-wings, once more a-whirr, May see our earth—a sepulchre ! SYMPATHY. Scene—ZIn front of Mrs. R.’s house. Mrs. R. ( paying Cabman). You look all right to-day. Cubman. Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin liver. mean. \an extra shilling. accepts the correction, and LESSONS IN LAUGHTER. [‘* Instead of the many educational extras in our Board Schools, why should there not be some elementary class devoted to the development of humour ?”’—Mr. James Payn, in the “‘ Illustrated London News.’’| Wur not, indeed? This resplendent sugges- tion of Carefully training the humorous sense Cannot, nay, must not, be burked by a ques- tion of Practical parents, or shillings and pence. Down with arithmetic, spelling, or history, Books that are stupid, and arts that are trite, Rather we ’ll turn to each novelist’s mystery, Study the volumes our humorists write. Those who at present look sadly their task upon, View it with evident hate and disdain, Mach will rejoice when invited to bask upon Witty romances composed by James Pary. Soon for diversion they ’ll take, and feel pleasure in, Dorson for dinner, and Locker for lunch, And will employ what remains of their leisure in Weekly digesting a volume of Punch, Then, that each young and intelligent artisan May not be prejudiced as to his view, Lane will appear as antiquity’s partisan, ZANGWILL will treat of the humorists new. So, while we thank Mr. Payw for inventing it, Chiefly the system will profit us then, presenting it— Hamorists all will be opulent men!

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— MONS AI SS , ' Nd i at WN » | 4 N ‘ N A 1 ran \ a A .) \ >: a . , N t tA ’ Tf, ’ " 4. — S) — ‘ A — _ = ~~ J ~ ~ 7 A 4“ ~~ LUVAI

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| Ocropme 13, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 177 FRAGMENT OF A POLICE “REPORT D'ARTHUR.” Tuen he that made the little songs | For Arraur—deftly could he mske the same— | Budged not ; but ARTHUR rose and silent fr: , Whether by malice of the mind prepense, Or by the merest inadvertency, As he aleges that felt it sy his tist And smote him on the digit heavily, And ceased. But lo! AeTHuR was ’ware of one that winked on him, Clothed all in sable, stout, con- stabular: Then murmured ARTHUR, * Place me in the dock!”’ So to the dock they came eventually. And there the pressmen came and sampled him ; =~ came the Bar and pleaded or } And last the benshabeuvell, **More | things are wrought | By misadventure than you might suppose. And such the case before us; yea, a tort | Committed in a temporary state Of sheer oblivion. We dismiss the | suit,’ So from the Court serenely Akricr | passe A - passing held communion with himself How he rhould work it up for future gag. FRIENDLY FRENCH FEELING AND Fissine.—Oh, of course, nothing could be nicer. They are so fond of us English in France! Can't possibly do without us. The latest development of it, in a small way, | being the seizure of a Ramsgate | fi-hing-smack, called the Bonnie Bell, by a French fishing-boat, which uled the B. B. into Gravelines. ‘‘ Hard Jines”’ this. Anyway it is a nasty fishing | “smack” in the eye, given and taken, And where’s the friendly | feeling ? Taz Sea-Lion AsHore. AN AWFUL OUTLOOK. (For ‘* Love in the Arbour.”’) A Darwrnire tells us some flowers can see / This adds a new terror to botany. For lovers, and ladies, will surely agree Blossoms’ tongues could tell tales —had they got any: The Fat Boy in Pickwick, an Arbour-eaves-dropper, To amorous “spoons” was a terror ; ‘But flowers with eyes for what Aunts call * improper” ? | That is a look-out, and no error ’Tis climbe rs and parasites chie 7, we ‘re told, | Ww — 4 sifted with optical | Well symphs will be roguish, and swains will be bold, Notwithstanding inquisitive flowers ! ‘The Virgin, a doubt, will invite the sly kiss, Despite the Vi irginian Creeper ; And Corydon clasp in the moon- light sweet miss Though Convolvulus play Zom the Peeper. But should science discover that blossoms can speak, And tell tales about bower-hid passion ; I'll wager it wouldn’t be more than a week, {fashion ! Before flowers would go out of One prospect at least this new doc- trine discovers : Did eyes and glib tongues fill our bowers, The man ‘whom a maiden deems ** flower of lovers,” Would no more be lover of flowers THE LAY OF THE OLD ALDERMAN. - Univic ATION ”’ is vexation, he * L. C. C.” 's as bad ; The “ New Citee’ Doth puzzle me Ard ** New Mayors” Drive me m STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. , “ Bompastes Frxioso Minimvs,” —.e. Prince Henn p’Or fans, THE O. B. C. (LIMITED). ie Canon ArInGER condemns minor poetry as G obe, Oct, 4. ] THat being so, why should not the matter be placed on a business- like footing ? The following is a specimen prospectus :— THE O’ER-RATED BOSH COMPANY (LIMITED). Caterers by ar appointment to the Yellow-book, the Rhymers’ Club, and Nobody Else in Particular. Sweet-stuff Contractors for Mutual Admiration Parties, Muffia- worries, and other Beano. Log-rolling in all its branches. Highly-spiced productions at unpopular prices. Only unhowd- leri materials used. Particular attention is given to insure imperfect cleanliness in all details. ‘mere confectionary.’ ”’— TARIFF. Bin & Opes (Royal Marriage, buttered), per line. . 6.2 » dry aad ‘fytte 0 0 2 - “To Spring ° (given away in packet of ). Lays . , . .. (fresh) 0 0 4 mrt ‘ ‘ ; ‘ . ¢ rent tonew) 0 0 3 ” ‘ (warranted) 0 0 2 Battaps , on ,perline) 0 O 1 ” ‘ (with proper enroi and correct y rhymed) 0 0 14 | to the Head Office, Poet's Sonnets (with wide margin, on hand-made paper, and £ », d. quite unintelligible), each 2 0 0 + To the Sunset 0 0 LoNDEAUS ‘ (extra tick), bottled. per dozen 0 3 6 ” (fall-favoured), on draught, pergush 0 0 4 RonDELs (fancy, for albums), each 0 0 4 TRIOLETS . (as used in lunatic yeund, perdozen 0 0 1 VILLANELLES (recommended for curates and converted burglars), each 0 1 7 RecITATIONS , . ‘ P . (G. BR. Sims’ mixed) 0 10 6 ; - ° , (Comic) 0 0 0} , (best ‘blood-curdling), pergulp 0 1 3} Co onv nveniently packed for delivery within the London radius, Sestinas, Cuants Rovrar, Virevais, and other French Sweetmeats to oO . The Management would recommend all lovers of high-class con- fectionary to test the quality of the under-mentioncd specialities :— Watrot’s Eloping Sal Sally Lunns; Le Billygoat’s Lovers’ Liquorice ; Dr. Goodboy’s Medical Ni tmares ; John Silvergray’s Blue Points (3d. a dozen); Arthur Si ead Srmaeios Norty Gal’s Richmond Maids, and Oscar's Masterpieces In any case of civility or attention on the of their employs, the Directors earnestly request that the same be reported immediately ib dee » whane the aaiter Will bo gremsptiy ealt wit

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocropgr 13, 1894. | eorypnee me partners, an eiderly ut opulent Satyr, and a youth- ful, brainless, but titled Cloten. He heard conversation which the talkers themselves laughingly called risqué (and which he would grimly have called rude) at fashionable dinner-tables be- tween smirking matrons and leering elderly men. He witnessed the vagaries of despot Fashion, the (as he con- sidered) *‘immodesty” of ‘full dress,” the “im riety” of flagrant ‘‘ cosmeticism,” the ‘* un- healthiness ” of inadequate or su- perfluous clothing, the ** cruelty ” of corsets, the ** vulgarity” and wanton murderousness of bird- destroying feather trimmings. These, and many more follies, improprieties and wickedness the Perfect Stranger was wondering witness of. “But,” observed the Perfect Stranger, ‘‘ where is the ‘* Ma- tron’s Hiss’ ?”’ ‘**Oh!” replied the Proud Bri- fon, with some embarrassment, ** but in all this there is nothing THE GIFTED AMATEUR. new, you knew. nothing wamrere- ' d, Vv: a versive ¢ nan Em r. ‘I WILL Now SING YOU A LITTLE THIXG OF MY OWN!” poner yg pews! ‘aihies [The effect on the Audience was instuntancous, ‘bad form.’ that is to say un- r yg will be published this w: ck in Germany, France, and England.”’} usual, unexpected, unconsecrated THE MATRON’S HISS. An Ap A lady- st the other day, riding in ‘ j rly Mre. Gruwpy, standing by. have ret * Are you logue with an Application.) rational dress,”” was roundly The wheel-woman is said women who thus hiss me’ When you bathe, wear ecial costume, which you deem suitable. When I ride, I do 1e same W here ’s the difference ¢”’ ‘ Bor,” said the Proud Briton to the Perfect Stranger, ‘‘ in addi- tion to our armies and fleets, our religions and our laws, our parsons and our policemen, we have one Protective Power, moral palladium and social egis in one, whose value outweighs that of all others,” The Perfect Stranger locked surprised, ** And what,” said he, *‘ is that +” ** We call it the ‘ Matron’s Hiss,’” replied the Proud Briton, with enigmatical complacency. ‘ Anythin contra bonos mores, bad form, improper, new- fongiet, unconventional, un- healthy, unwholerome, im- modest, vulgar, vicious, venal, on to summarise still further, anything that is either new mediately ‘put down’ the ‘ Matron’s Hiss.’ ”’ Quoth the Perfect Stranger, ** 1 should like to observe it in operation.” “You shall!” said the Proud Briton. by The Perfect Stranger, under the guidance of the Proud Briton went everywhere and saw everything. He saw a sweet, though appwently semi-suffceated, young girl dressed (or, as he would by unaided judgment have coneluded, un- | dressed) for her first ball. He saw an elderly fine lady, a high-nosed dame de par /e monde, prepared—he would have said, painted and glazed—for a high, social “ function.” He saw a fair ingnue, under the eyes of her vigilant mamma and chaperon, in one evening waltzing with, and trying to win, as more or naughty, or both, is im-| by respectable usage. If there is anything Naughty, it is not New, and what is—possibly—New TF ee Therefore, there is no call for that omnipotent iss ! * Homph! Stranger. ** That is a bit difficult to define, off-hand,” answered the Proud Briton, hesitatingly. ‘Say, for example, a natural waist, or absence of corsets, high-dress at a Court function, marriage for love—which in Society or in the tennis-court is equivalent to nothing wearing an unfashionable hat, or four-buttoned gloves when six are de régle, sounding your g’s (when fashion dictates their being dropped). or not sounding your h's (till fashion tells you to drop them), blushing inopportunely—tay, at the stare of a | duke or the ‘suggestiveness’ of a millionaire—showing sympathy out of your own ‘set,’ objecting to tailor-made attire or accepted bathing-costume, discussing questions of sex in a spirit of serious sympathy instead of through some décadent Art-medium; being |earnest, original, or spontaneous in any way, and thus defying | Society's golden rule, * Do always as others do.’ ” | “Is that the Masterful Matron’s sole rule?’ queried the Perfect Stranger. | “Substantially yes,” replied the Proud Briton; “though it is ommenees, perhaps, by the corollary, ‘Never be either the first or the last to do a new thing.’ ” : | “Then,” commented the Perfect Stranger, “‘the Matron’s Hiss | would be silent at the sight of bared shoulders and bust in mid- winter, but would sound with anserine shrillness at the sight of a lady’s lower limbs comfortably, and conveniently, and healthily, and | decently, but unconventionally, clad in summer on a cycle ?” !” said the Proud Briton, though perhaps with lees of What then would elicit it?” inquired the Perfect |_ “* Precisely ! | British pride than usual. ‘“* Then,” said the Perfect Stranger, ‘‘ I think your Hissing Matron | is a silly, despotic, cackling old goose, who will never save the social Capitol! But who and what is that?” That was a portly, florid, and high-nosed elderly dame, of | pompous demeanour, and flamboyant raiment, elaborately and | obviously cosmetiqued, and srrayed in a startlingly low-cut garment. | ** That,” said the Proud Briton, with an uneasy smile, *‘ is Mrs. Gruypy, the great Goose-Autocrat, the Palladium of Propriety, the /¥gis of Social Morality, the very Masterful Matron of whom we | have been talking.” : | “* Then,” demanded the Perfect Stranger, with staggering perti- nence, ** Why does she not Hiss at Herself?” The Proud Briton was silent. | Tae Lorp Mayor Exect.—The incoming Lord Moeyor has already | shown himself a ‘‘ Man of Letters” as he communicated a letter of | thanks for kind wishes to pretty well every leading journal. These, ' when collected, may be published as a new ‘‘ Renals Miscellany.”

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—_—_ Ocropgr 13, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 179 “MATRIMONIAL OBE- DIENCE.” Str,—I should never dream | of humiliating myself to the | extent of promising toobeyany | man. Yet I am a marri woman — married, too, in a Church of England. How did I manage it, perhaps you will inquire? In this way, which I recommend for the adoption of all women who would de- cline to be worse than slaves. Instead of repeating the words “love, cherish, and obey” after the officiating clergyman, I altered them to**love cherrie- | and whey,” of which I happen to be very fond ; so that when- | ever my husband (who is a poor creature) reproaches me with breaking my vow of obe- dience made at the altar—he | does not often do this, as he is | seldom at home—I can, with a | clear conscience, affirm that 1 | never took any vow at all. | This astonishes him so much | that it makes him swear, and then go out to his club, A good riddance too ! Ay Entrrety New Womay. Sir,—As a lawyer, I hold that the contract into which a woman enters at marriage to obey her husband, being one | made *‘ under duress,” is en- tirely void, She is compelled to take the vow, otherwise she could not be married at all. | But, in order to. make her | position still clearer, I should | advise that, before repeating | the words of the clergyman, she understand that unless I repeat EARLY TACT. should say to him, “ Am I to| Aunty Rose. ‘‘ AND HOW OLD DO YOU THINK / AM, Tommy?” Tommy. ‘ Wetu—Sixty-Taree ?” this formula you will decline| Awnty Rose. ‘Oa, you FLAaTTERer! to marry me?” He may bea Tommy. ‘‘ Au! 1 rHovear you weRe; BuT I THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'I Most pr bably all ‘* Hova” little surprised, bat is sure to! LIKE ME TO SAY 80, YOU KNOW.” Way, I'm past Eicaty!” answer in the aflirmative. Then she should reply, ‘* Very well; then I repeat it under test, and without preju- ice,” and the ceremony could thereafter go on as usual, There might also be inserted, after the announcement of the wedding in the papers, the words **No obedience,” like ** No cards,” in which case no doubt whatever could be raised as to the wife’s true legal posi- tion. I shall be happy to advise further, if neces-ary, and meanwhile remain, Yours toutingly, Law Car, S1a,— What is this nonsen: ¢ about women refusing to obey their husbands? The only way with wives is to be gentle with them, but at the same time perfectly firm. This is my plan, and it answers ad- mirably. My wife the other day declined to surrender the morning paper to me, and told me she would like to bea ‘New Woman.” ‘** Very well,” | answered; “then you won't object tomy being a New Man too”; and I at once chained her securely to the strongest bed-post in the house, and forbade any food to be brought near her. After four hours of this discipline she came to such \senses as Providence has | blessed her with, and is now |the very loving and obedient | consort of | Yours domestically, MAster or 118 own Hovse. TROUBLES IN MADAGASCAL | —Not by any means at an end. | again. HANWELLIA’S ANSWER. (See ‘* Punch,” September 22.) So, my friend, you ask me questions ; _ Well, I'll give you tit for tat: [’m a matrimonial cormorant con- nected with a bat. Bat I stirred my stumps and wandered _. through the wicket of the jail, While the umpire leg-befored me as a prisoner on bail. What a sight for sunny snowballs! ab, _ my heart beat fast and loud When once more I mingled freely with the logarithmic crowd : And on either side the cube-roots cast the falsehood in the teeth Of the oyster I had bearded on his own, his native, heath. It was splendid, but I fancy that they _ came it rather strong When a saucy capercailzie played sonatas on a gong. If his music was so naughty, his beha- viour was so nice That I laughed to see him gaily cutting capers on the ice. Then the band struck up in earnest, ihessh, their leader murmured play” ; And at first th ed ta-ra-ra, but without the bao doug = \~ —_—,. > BA v Ps ae ot . XX ne ir LS Lac y captured a canal-boat, and half-a-dozen bars Beating time they smashed the record from Mashonaland to Mars, Then the with Fifty tunes they played serenely, but didn’t seem to care, For my Aunt had said * Ki1za, when the band plays I ’ll be there ; I’ll be there with Uncle Ruros who has got to go because —— Well, the reason doesn’t matter, he ’II be there,” and there he was, If the stars drink champagne-cider out of tankards to the dregs All the stars and little starlings with the garters on their legs, Shall an undiscovered comet with a mile or two of tail Be put off with half a gallon of our *humble home-brewed ale ? No, by Jove, he wouldn't stand it; he can let the others pay ; Standing treat is out of fashion, so he ’ll tap the milky way. When the red-hot stars come trickling he can cool them in his cup, And he’ll tap it all the harder just to keep his pecker up. He can hang about the Strand, too, if we give him lots of rope, And he’ll lather Semorina with a sud of patent soap ; —

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180 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Octommn 13, 1894. | SemoLina, you remember, took her passage on a hoy, She was married to an anchorit« and now she’s gota boy. TO AMANDA. | Amana, I, your faithful slave, Am grieved by the conviction Parish Councillors came round That you expect me to behave A. her, Dukes and Earls, and even ,, As lovers do in fiction, _ ib lo falter forth my vows sincere tarts With their spades they carved In syllables disjointed ; giictemania | e table- My more prosaic speech, I fear, | ‘ stray ats on the table-land of Will leave you p wom Shay | youl But she faced them in her fury, P _ | and she asked the idiots how ‘4 I ought, I candidly — She could ever stomach acres after _,, 10 sitting-rooms and places eating up her cow ? To stride about with gloomy brow And agitated : | | There, I think I’ve answered Bat in athletic sports I’m sure fairly every question on your | I always was a duffer, | list ; And, if I tried, your furnitare | | All their meaning I have mas-| Most certainly would suffer. is 4 tered, there ’s not one of them | I’ve missed. | I’m a sulphur-headed sunbeam, | with a taste for pretty clocks, Which I always tell the time by when they strike upon the To prove the tenderness I feel | wy duty is, I know, to | Leave quite untasted every meal, 4 And breakfast off your photo. ; But habit proves, alas, too strong! box, With appetite unshaken Me [ still attack (I know it’s wrong) p Mrs, R. doubled up her Times My matutinal bacon. Hol for convenience of handling, and vr came upon this sentence where the paper folded Again; I clearly ought to try To immolate a rival, And prove my special fitness by — “Individuals grown in tubs in A process of survival ; greenhouses, in cool climates, have My cowardice I much deplore, éé been known to live over « hundred Bat still, romantic fury years.” Ad ¢ Would searcely pay, when brought She paused. ‘Good Heavens!” before she exclaimed ; ‘it’s as remark Au vnromantie jury. able as the history of the old hermits who used to live perched So, if your courage still insiste up on the tops of pillars! But if On scorning thoughts pruden- | ever these very Fave individuals tial, did live in * tubs . for over a And you = es the patina 4 hundred years, what possible Commandments as essential, good could they have — to REAL SYMPATHY. With some more daring person uny body, or even to themselves ! ”’ "Arry (reading account of the War in the East), ‘‘ Ow, I s’y, live; Curning the paper over Mrs. R.|’Anarer, THEY ’VE BIN AN’ TOOK oLp Li ‘Unc Caano’s THREE- For me, a brief perusal found that the letter was headed | nxevep Peacock’s FeaTHERS ALL orr "Im !” Of modern fiction makes me give ‘ American Aloes.” ’ Arriet (compassionately), ‘“‘ Pore OLD Feuer |” A kind but firm refusal! LETTERS FROM A DEBUTANTE. \] should hope they were!) Mr. Lorne Hopper seemed nice, and a very quiet, and harmless at first, but it gradually came out that | My pean Mansonre,—You are hard on poor Orter Cramprox he does sketches at the piano in the style of Conney Gaaty, and what | when you say that philanthropy, brisk walks, a bad temper, and a| is worse, expects to be asked to dv them. : taste for collecting postage-stamps, form the most hideous combina- Lady Taymer implored us all to laugh, and we did our best to tion any human being could imagine. Of course, I admit he’s a| please our hostess ; but the room was nearly empty in five minutes. be little dreary. All is now over between us. Things reached a climax | At dinner, Bany talked of the bad taste and imbecility of practical one rainy afternoon when Bany Beaumont, in a mood of intense|; 2. In the evening. he wrote to seventeen periodicals denying joven, — . teach OnteL to make barley-sugar.” Forget-|},. had written The Maure Camellia, and asking to have it con- ra ais eCHOG “so RIEL petseniiogty said he wae ae to _— tradicted. We waltzed. Captain Masnineton dances better than ( - oy oo So Baby seized ORIEL Ss arm, twisted it round in| over and Aas nice eyes. That night I found bair-brushes in my ve classical manner, and then hit the twist. It was quite impos- bed, I see nothing fuony in it, and shall not speak to Bany sible to help laughing when Oxrer, pale with fury, Hleclared he | Beaumont until he apologiser. — me ke, supposed yt New Humour, - lett the | Great excitement prevailed here last week. It was discovered that | _, ie pay hee rn 9 said Bany, “‘ of the middle-aged ?” |g. vovausxr, the great Russian pianist, was in the neighbourhood. ch anntines - a vey es ; | He accepted an invitation to come here for two days. Imagine the lat evening | wrote a note, putting an end to our engagement. | joy of the Lyon Tarwens! They sent out invitations with “To | = gave it to him in the billiard-room, and—he gave me one at the | meet M. Samovarsx!,” printed on the cards, He is known to be | evi ‘ ¢ 7) c ’ td ; ; ? . . rend = \ ae = a S foci I Sa. hplgh | rather erratic, but as he was actuaily to stay in the house it seemed | . He J ite safe. Thirty-si ; a dinner in his honour. are so fitted to shine in the society of the ga ent” $| — cafe. Thirty 7 people — to a dioner in his meant Bapy), ‘to share a life that will be fly dedicated to the Gamovansnt arrived ot seven, sched for enme loger ett, and amelioration uf the condition of the poorer classes,” &c. In the midst of our agitation, we were compelled to play ‘‘ musical chairs” with the others, as if nothing had happened! What a mockery it seemed ! | went straight to bed. Nothing on earth would induce him to get | up, or even to unlock his door or answer an inquiry. It was 2 terrible evening. The Tarmers hoped on for the next day. The great composer got up at two. Meny people had stayed on the ge ’ : : . chance of hearing him play. It was a beautiful day, and Lady We parted amicably. He asked if I should like to hear, from TAYMER entreated to be allowed to drive him round the neighbour- ‘ime to time, of the progress of his life-work, and J promi ed to be hood. He declined, and spent the whole afternoon playing piquet with | | | bissister.... When he went away, a strange sense of loss came over |}: iti . ’ - |hissecretary. At dinner, he talked absurdities about the Chinese war, tn th b. ; nem my life had been turned forever!... Bar refusing even to mention music— which it seems he detests—and then, action — ; tt 2 Sone See — there would be a chance of | ery gourteously, begged to be exeused, as he had to correct the proofs sing plen'y of hot water tor s. Oxren used todrink it all. | of his article “ Impressions of English Country Life” for some Moscow _At the tennis-party Mra, Loune Horren seemed utterly bored by journal.... Do not mention the subject to the Tarwers when you Captain Masnixetow. She said my dress wanted “‘ taking up onthe see them. We are going to have private theatricals!! I will write thoulders,” and that the sleeves were exaggerated. (Ex~ggerated! | again soon. Your loving friend, Guap¥s. —

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Tou. . | TO STOMACH NERVES LIVER LUNCS| INTESTINES, BLOOD, BLADDER, BRAIN DU BARRY & C° (Luareo)]7 RECENT ST. LONDON) = ORTANT CAUTION.—48 years’ well-deserved and world-wide reputation of DU BARRY’S FOOD has ‘ ators to puff up all kinds of cheap and worthless | I However, Dr. B. F. I un, Physician to the Sama- Hospital for Women and Children, Landon, after ‘ “ing sixteen of these, declares: “ Among the vegetable tances, DU BARRY’S FOOD is the Best.” “ Naturally ements of blood ed many women and ren & n ed debility. The absence of the above elements in bread ‘ pap and other farinaceous food is the great cause of the feart mortality of infantsa.—B. F. Rours, Physician to the writan Hospital for Women and Children, London.” 1) A. B F.R.S. (Eptw.), F.C.8. | Landon 4. —T have frequently examined RAR! Ry ® REVALENTA ARABICA FOOD. It contains i the repair of the brain, nerves, bon Hy n the « brain e, and muscle, it has ted with atrophy and GRIFFT! iS , te for 1 ngredien nea, t oll, uacles estive system, &« A. B. Gurrriras.”’ 18 YEARS’ INVARIABLE SUCCESS. kK XTRACTS from 100,000 annual Cures of cases, 4 which had resisted all other treatment. DYSPEPSIA and LIVER COM- (¥ Ri of "LAINTS From the Right Honourable the Lord Stuart Decies, Dromana, ( appoquin, Lord Lieutenant of the county Waterford :—** Feb. 16, 1860.—1 have derived much benefit from the use of DU BARRY'S FOOD.—Srvaart pe Decies.” f NERVOUSNESS and WEAKNESS. With gratitade I testify to the great efficacy of DU BARRY'’S FOOD in restoring and removing nervousness and weakness Mus.) E. Gur x, Upper Park, Dedham.” | (| INSTIPATION, ASTHMA, &c.—Cure of | years indescribable agony from dyspepsia, nervousness, eeathina rh, constipation, flatulency, spasma, sickness and , by DU BARRY’S FOOD.—Maata Joity. “" IVER COMPLAINT and DIARRH@A, from which I have suffered fearfully for years, de- vest medical treatment, have yiel idedto DU BARRY'S xcellent FOOD.—W. Evie, Major H.M.8., Unattached.” | BARRY'S FOOD.—Nine Years’ Constipation. ‘It hascured meof nine years’ constipation, declared be- yond cure by the best physicians, and given me new life, health, happiness.—A. Sraparo, Merchant, Alexandria, Egypt.” Pp"; LMONARY COMPLAINT.—Bern.—Madame | de B., in a hopeless state of pulmonary consumption, took z REVALENTA ARABICA by advice of her physi- tan. So rapid and favourable was the —_. it produced in and her health, that the dangerous period of confinement which her physician had predicted would be fatal, ver without difficulty, though the baby weighed 16 lb. ; and her husband cannot speak tov hichly of this excellent food, pon which buth his wife and child are now living. No trace f phthisis in either DU BARRY'S FOOD. —| cough, dropsy, deafness, on (}ONSUMPTION “Consumption, asthma, which I spent ieee sof pounds during 25 years in vain, | ave ylelded to this divine food, and I am now restored to perfect health. Mr. Jaues Rovesrs, Frimley, Surrey, Wood Merchant.’ I IVER DU BARRY'S FOOD.—* Liver Com- 4 plaint and diarrhea, from which I suffered fearfully for two years, despite the best medical treatment, have ided to DU BARRY’S excellent FOOD.—W. Epix, Major i M. 8., Unattached, London.’ —— ID.—DU BARRY'S FOOD.—Dr. W. Wal- lace Elmslie, from Mili Tlos=pital, Sofia, declares it | is worth ite weight in gold in typh noid and diarrhea. hyde 8.—DU BARRY’ $3 FOOD.—Dr. H. Klin- gestein saved all his typhus, typhoid, bilious, nervous, and scarlet feve patients with it. Prices of DU BARRY'S REVALENTA ARABICA FOOD td. per meal. The tins are sent free of carriage to any part of the DU BARRY’S REVALENTA TONIC BISCUITS cure depression, sleeplessness, and nervous debility. In tins, 1 Ib., 3s. 6d.; PUNCH, OR THE LONDON HEALTH WITHOUT MEDICINE ‘Restored by DU BARRY S FO O D cy. stomach, and bad di 50} \ Al | youth, animates me. fe N AND CHILDREN. tion, Diarrhea, Dysent« the Head and in the Ears, those of H.1L.M de Paris, the Viscountess de ERRIBLE SUFFERINGS.—“DU BARRY'S FOOD has perfectly cured many years’ fearful pains in the stomach and intestines, and consequent sleeplessness with constant nervous irritability, for “— my wife 5 submitted in vain to medical westmest.—V. . Morano, Cadiz.’ D*. BARRY’S FOOD in | in KIDNEY DISEASF.— suffered fearfully for many years, and which had resisted the most careful medical treatment, and now, at the age of 93, I ain perfectly free from disease.—Curé Laror, Orvaux, France.’’ U BARRY’S FOOD has cured my wife of 20 ears’ most fearful suffering from nervous and bilious attacks, palpitation of the heart, and swelling all over, sleeplessness, and asthma.—Awrtawxasio pt Barsgra, Mayor | of Trapani, Sicily.”’ wees —DU 4 “ Tt has cured me of 36 years’ asthma, which obliged me to get up four or five times every night to relieve my chest from a pressure which threatened suffocation. PoiLiert, Parish Priest, Ecrainville, France.” NSOMNIA and NEURALGIA,—“ It is a remedy which I could almost call divine. caused her cruel agony, and left her almost without rest | Mowassienx, Parish Priest, Valgorge, France.” YEARS’ MISERY.—“ DU BARRY'S FOOD has cured me of nightly sweatings, terrible irritation estion, whic sh lasted 18 years.— . Romaine-des-Lies, France.” FOOD Comp aRet, Parish P riest, QUE EPLESSNESS.—DU ! BARRY’'S has fully from general debility, nervous irritability, sleeplessness, and a total exhaustion, and ven her health, sleep, and strength, with hard muscle, and cheerfulness.—H. px Mowrt- 018, Paris. N ATONIC DYSPEPSIA and DEBILITY, after enteric fever, I have prescribed DU BARRY’S FOOD with marked success when everything else was jected. - Pontypridd, 8. Wales.” eer HE effects upon my miserable health of DU BARRY’S FOOD have been so marvellously satis- factory that I am determined never to go without it.—Major F. pt Bross, of the 19th Dragoons, at Déle, Jura, France, December 10, 1898.”"’ $9 2() YEARS’ DYSPEPSIA, Oppression, and nd Debility, which prevented my dressing or un- dressing myself, or making even the slightest effort, have CH ARIVARL —Ocrosse 13, i894. —. O MORE MEDICINE PURGING OR EXPENSE FOR INVALIDs PERFECT DIGESTION, NERVOUS ENERGY, SOUND SLEEP, AND THE BEAUTY OF HEALTH RESTORED by DU FOOD, which cures all disorders of the Stomach and Bowels, the Blood, the Nerves, Lung, Liver, Brain, Voice, and Breath—such as Constipation, Dyspepsia, Indigestion, Consump. ry, Influenza, Grippe, Acidity, Heartburn, Phiegm, Flatulency, Feverish Breath, Nervous, Bilious, Pulmonary, Glandular, Kidney and Liver Complaints, Debility, Cough, Asthma, Scarlet, Gastric, Enteric, Typhoid, Yellow, and Bilious Fevers, Spasms, Impurities and Poverty of the Blood, Ague; Vomiting after Eating, during Pregnancy, and at Sea; Eruptions, Sleeplessness, Noises ig Atrophy, success with old and young, even in th the late Emperor Ni Explorer, the Marchioness of Bréhan, Lord Stuart de Decies, H.R.H. the Countess Georges BARRY’S DELICIOUS REVALENTA ARABICA Rheumatism, Gout; Nausea and Wasting in Adults and Children. 48 years’ invariable most hopeless cases, 100,000 annual cures, including holas of Russia, Mr. H. M. Stanley, the African Murat. Tt has cured me of kidney disease, from which I had | BARRY’S FOOD.—Asthma.—| | West Bank, cured my daughter, who had suffered fortwo years fear- | | CG )NSUMPTION, Diarrhoea, Cramp, Kidney and Bladder Disorders.—Dr. Wurzer’s Testimonial :—“ Dv BARRY’S FOOD is one of the most and restorative absorbents, and aonue te | all kinds of medicines. It is particularly Giective in cough | asthma, consumption, indigestion (d ), @ confined habit of body, as also in diarrhea, bowel com inte, ‘nflam- matory irritation, and cramp of the urethra, kidneys, the bladder, and hwmorrhoids.—Dr. Rup. Wuezer, Professor of Medicine, Bonn.” YSPEPSIA.—DU BARRY’S FOODand TONIC BISCUITS.—‘A dangerous illness having left my age organs too weak to —. ordinary food of any ind sufficient to keep me alive, I owe im M | DU BARRY’S REVALENTA FOOD onk Biscu | which I subsisted for months, recovering a healthy ~ the stomach, and strength and muscle, to the astonishment | of myself, my medical adviser, and friends.—Epwaxrp Wooo, lton, June 14, 1883.”’ P: ARALYSIS, Constipation, and Hemorrhoids, “From which I suffered 60 years, have entirely yielded to DU BARRY’S FOOD, and I am now, at the of 8, en- joying perfect health.- King’ 's Coll se, Oct. 10, 1849,—Witiam Hoyt, ae w.” CATARRH on the “BLADDER, with its excra- ciating misery, had resisted the test medical skill | during eight long years, but DU BARRY’S divine REVA- | LENTA foop cured it in an incredibly short time.—Paris, April 15, 1862.--Deps, l’rofessor of Chemistry. C= of CONGESTION of the BRAIN and 16 MONTHS’ CONSTANT SLEEPLESSNESS, 7 and Debility, and all their terrible consequences DU BARRY’S FOOD.—Tre:uanp pu Barty, Barrister-at-Lay, and 20 years Major of Nerac, France. TERVOUSNESS and DYSPEPSIA. — DU +‘ BARRY’S FOOD.—Cure of the Marchioness de Bréhan, of Versailles, near Paris, of seven years’ liver complaint, sleeplessness, palpitation, and the most intense nervous agitation and debility, rendering her unfit for reading o It has perfectly cured | my dear sister Julia of four years’ neuralgia in the head, which | | social intercourse. T. H. Mounts, Ashficld House, Tylors Town, near | been cured by DU BARRY’S FOOD.—Mme. Boze.t, née | M Carporerti, Avignon.” YEARS’ NEURALGIA and DYSPEPSIA.— “DU BARRY’S FOOD has acted wonderfully on is coming back, and a new life, like that of My appetite, which for several years me; my was quite gone, has come back wonderfully; and the pres- | sure and neuralgic pains in my head, which during 40 years had become chronic, have left me entirely.—Davip Rory, | Landowner, Barr, France.”’ 66 \ ANY YEARS’ BAD DIGESTION, Disease of the Heart, —s and Bladder, with nervous irritation and d under the happy —— of DU BARRY’S divine FOOD.—Lzow Prvcuer. at Eynacas, Marte Vienne, France, May 6, 1876.” TERNAL PAINS.—* _“ DU BARRY’S admirab le | REVALENTA ARABICA known to | | Pe my wife's “7 de- | B42” all invalids. She \YPHUS and BILIOUS FEVERS CURED by DU BARRY’S REVALENTA ARABICA. Dr. KElinge- stein writes :—“It has secured my full confidence. I had ordered it in cases in which, it is not sa ons ing too much, = worked wonders—viz., in typhus and bi fevers, to which formerly nearly all po succum tely on E since then have found it invariably successful, fearful symptoms yielding to it within fe ge ~four a perfect b xopiily consider this Food of inestimable ~ 4. oS ak my appreciation of its merits.—H. aseees, ABETES, which had brought Mr. Richy tos FOOD in a few weeks.—Saur Saixt Laupzet Cnoms. NFANT SAVED.—Dr. F. W. Beneke, Professor receipt of the REVALENTA I ee with i, oat and the convalescent re riin, State of New York, Oct. 19.” pD' hopeless state, was perfectly cured by DU BARRY’S of Medicine in Ordinary to the University, writes in the “ Berlin Clinical Weekly” of rgd 1872: oy ahilaven — + forget that I owe the preservation one the REVALENTA ——— | ag Be Le wef weak eosiened Se “aie ] ski il, ao which medical ski pa e two wet nurses. I tried DU Y's ALENTA wid % with the most astonishi The ceased imme- , i —— vomiting diately; and after living on this food six x weeks the baby was restored to the most flourishing health. SAVED by DU BARRY’S CURATIVE serves to be made FOOD. not terribly affisted for meng with fearful pains the | * My little wee so curiously Si ill that doctors did stomach and tad consequent tol —— alli with | think she coul have lived, and no cod or medicine renin constant nervous All medicines were tried in | on her stomach, DU BARRY’S FOO God, vain. Your excellent REVALENTA ARABICA has per- | revtored er to'belth.—D. f. Muans, Rector of Kiba | feetly cured her.—Vicerstsz Morawo, Cadiz.” | Co, Cork, December 29, 1880,” suitably packed for all climates) : —In tins, } Ib., 2°; 11b., 99. 6d.; 21b., Ge. ; SIb., 14s.; 121b., 88e.; 961D., Os ; or about and of France on receipt of Post- ice Order ; 2 Ib., Gs. D° on 5 Edwards’, Sutton's, Sar H and Co.; and in New York, Park and t: Butler and and Tilf 917, Broad Dn Barcelona, Vial and Kibet; and all Stores a) Gicome ont Chen Raimes and Co. in Liverpool, John Thom: ’; im Brussels, 2, Rue Rouppe; in Milan, 6, Via BARRY AND ©O. (Limrep), No. 77, Regent Street, London, W.; same house, 14, Rue Castiglione, Paris. also in London at Barclay’s —y 3 yen, on§ a Bits Hanover Street ; in Bristol, Thomes see in Geneve, bo, Bue du hose Printed by William Stuart Smith, of N Lombard Street, in the Precinet of f Witattan to te Cher cay of im the Parish of St. '. [aden and potmabed ty mys ry ty tay priemenen, of at ore ting eae Preteens, 29ee Bride, City of London. @ £22388 PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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| Ocrosmr 20, 1894] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181 OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tue Assistant-Reader has been at work, and makes the following report :— ‘| Leng | little volume is Mr. AntHony C. Deane's Holiday Rhymes (Henny & Co). That its merits are high may be safely inferred from the fact that the largest instalment of its verses came from the ‘columns of Mr, Punch, Mr, Deane handles his varied metres with great skill, his style is neat and pointed, his rhymes are above reproach,“ and his satire, especially when he deals with literary and academic matters, hits hard and straight. And, though the author is a Deane, he never sermonises. But why not sermons in verse? I commend the idea to Mr. Deane. He couid carry it out excellently, and earn the thanks of countless congregations. Messrs, Metuvusn are publishing a series of English Classics, edited by Mr. W. E. Henrtzy. They have started with 7ristram Shandy, and have persuaded a Mr. Coantes Wuistey to introduce Lavrence Sregne to the reading public of the present day. “Permit me,” says Mr. WuHisey, ineffect, ‘‘to present to your notice LavRENCE Sterne, plagiarist, sentimentalist, and dealer in the obscene,” a right pleasant and comfortable introduction, setting us all at our ease i ing us at once in favour of the humble candidate for fame, whom Mr. Wurstey alter- nately kicks and patronises. ’Tis pity (I have caught Mr. Wuin- LEY’s own trick) that Mr. Wuisrey had not the writing of Tristram Shandy. He, at any rate—so he seems to think— would never have outraged our sense of decency, or moved us to ‘thrills of wsthetic disgust” by such platitudes as My Uncle Toby’s address to the fly. Ranezats, it appears (Mr. Wars.ey has got Ranetais on the brain, he is Pantagruelocephalous), Ranetats may steal a horse, but SreRNE must not look over a hedge. One may have no wish to defend the ‘‘ indecencies” of Sterne, but to condemn them by contrasting them with the efforts of Rapetais is a highly modernised form of criticism, of which I should scarcely have supposed even a WHIbLEY capable. On the whole, I cannot commend this introduction, with its jingling, tin-pot, sham-fantastic style. I feel inelined to ery out aloud with Master Peter, ‘* Plain- ness, good boy ; do not you soar so high; this affectation is scurvy.” And why is Mr. Warsiey so hard upon the suburbs’ His own manner of writing is excellently calculated to fascinate Clapham, and move Peckham Rye to an enthusiasm of admiration. Messrs, Cuatro AND Winypvs have brought to a happy conclusion their monumental work of republishing the CamPppEeLt anD STEBBLNG translation of Thiers’ History of the Consulate and Empire. Itisin twelve neatly bound, conveniently sized, admirably printed volumes, illustrated with many steel engravings. A little soon, perhaps, to talk of Christmas presents. Butif there be any amiable uncle or fairy god- mother kept awake o’ nights wondering what they shall give for Christmas box to Dick, Tom or Harry, here’s the very thing for him, her and them. The volumes comprise a library in themselves, an to extol the Prussians at the expense of the English. It was BLucuer not WELLINGTON, who won the fight the Prussians call the Battle o La Belle Alliance, Narotzon the Battle of Mont St. Jean, and the presumptuous English Waterloo. The patriotic and therefore iraseible Frenchman little thought the day would dawn on France when it would learn of a battle more calamitous even than Waterloo. Still less did he perpend that he himself would make the personal acquaintance of the Prussians in circamstances analagous to those amid which, on a July day in 1815, three plenipotentiaries set forth from Paris to meet the Socios invaders, ~— sue for terms that should, as far as possible, lessen the humiliation of the occupation of the French capital, i I confess I am disappointed with Anrnony Horr's The God in the Car. Some of the dialogue isin his very best ** Dolly ” comedy-vein. The last interview between hero and heroine is admirably written. But it is not “in it” with his most originally conceived story of The Prisoner of Zenda, The title requires explanation, and you don’t get the explanation until the climax, which explanation is as unsatisf as the title, ‘* The hazy finish is,” quoth the Baron, ‘‘to my thinking, artistic.” ‘* What becomes of the lady ? what becomes of the lover?” are questions the regular romance- reader will put. And the repl is evidently the old one, on which no improvement is possible, ‘‘ Whatever you please my little dear, you pays your money and you takes your choice.” But it is well worth reading, and our friend ‘the Skipper,” who “knows the ropes,” will find there are some, though not very frequent, oppor- tunities for his mental gymnastic exercise. Tae Baron pve Boox-Worms. AN EPICURE TO HIS LOVE. Myr Queen, Mayonnaise! Oh, give ear to thy lover — Oh, pity his passion, my sweet Mayonnaise ! Just one glance from those eyes which (like eggs of the plover ') Can kili—(or be cooked)—in a hundred of ways! When first I beheld thee my thoughts a flew unbidden To dishes I’d eaten—so fair tothe eye, That I’ve looked and I’ve looked till the flavour they’ve hidden _ Was forgot at the sight of the dish, — or the pie. Oh, grant that our loves, like potage d * la créme, Flow gently and smoothly along through the days. (To me it’s the same, for though Manet ’s thy name, To me thou art ever my sweet ‘‘ Mayonnaise.”’) White as snow are thy teeth that, like riz @ [' Anglaise, Shine forth between lips red as sauce écrevisse ; And the truffle-like ae nestles and says, ‘* Come and kiss next the dimple and taste, dear, of bliss!’ Dinde de Bresse is not plumper nor fairer than thee ; And thy gown and its rope thy beauties enhance. None so sweet in the country of Gruyére and Brie, Where St. Sauce counts for more St. Louis of France. Nay, turn not your head. Never blush portugaise, Be tender as chaufroid of vealdlareine— (A dish for the gods !—not what Englishmen praise, Indigestible veal qui ne ** reau”’ pas !) la pain Hot as sauce rémoulade though thy temper may be— é Though caprice gall thy thoughts till thy brain’s panach/— I'll love thee and love thee—I swear it by Taek !— The roast thou shalt rule, by night by day! | Queen, Mayonnaise, oh give ear to my prayer! te my love—be my wife! Come, Mayonnaise dear, their study is a liberal education. Since the world began there is no abiding than that of NapoLxoy. Sometimes for a while it seems to sleep, only to awaken with freshened vigour. The NapotEon cult is one of the most prominent features of to-day, The Presses of Paris, London and New York teem with new volumes of reminiscences, letters or diaries, all about Napotzoy. Turens’ massive work has stood the test of time and will ever remain a classic. To us who read it to-day it has the added interest of its author’s personality, and the sad labour of his ing years, It is pretty to note how Turers, writing before the creation of the Third Empire, for which this book did much to pave the way, shrinks from mentioning Waterloo, For him it is ‘ the battle after the day of Ligny and Quatre Bras.” We i t fight before we re- s not disguise his effort are well into his detailed account of the cognise the plains of Waterloo, Tuizxs human life that possesses for humanity an interest keener or more | And to Paris we’ll fly, and at Bianow’s we'll fare, And the evening we’ll spend at the Menus-Plaisirs ! Though Torroyt’s no more, we may still taste of joy, For I wot of a house where a goddess might eat— Where the palate ’s not worried, the dishes don’t cloy, Where to eat is to live, and to drink is a treat ! Behold, Mayonnaise, I’m the slave of thy wishes A lover devoted who cannot do less _ Than to set on thy table the daintiest dishes ; So the man thou mayst love, while the cook thou dost bless New ARRANGEMENT oF Motto ror THE FreNcH (Suggested Gallus Anti-Gallicanus).—"* Liberté, Ill-égalité, Fraternité ’” VoL, CVI.

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_— Z. ——4 AN: SE i at Vf ai 4 é imey PUR ~ > N\s\hi5 “a wilh (> OY 4 LITTLE AH SID AND THE BUTTERFLY-BEE.

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| Ocrosmr 20, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 183 A CLERICAL QUESTION | FOR EXETER. Tue Special Correspondent | | doing” the Church Congress | at Exeterforthe Morning Post | when remarking on the erical | | costumesin the ion tothe | | Cathedral, told us that among | the *‘ college caps” #.e. ** mor- | | tar-boards,” (which of course | go with the university gown or clerical surplice,) and “birettas,” (which, being Italian, are not certainly part ‘of English academical or | ecclesiastical costume,) there | appeared a “tall hat,” se. | the topper of private life, | which, as it happens, is part of the Academical Master of Arts costume, and there- | fore, though unbecoming in a | procession of mortar-boards | and birettas, is yet unassail- | able from a purely academic and Cantabrigian _— of view. It may not be ‘* Oxonian,” by the way; but if the wearer were an Oxford man he would know best. Now, if the hat, pre- sumablv black, had been a white one?’ White is the surplice: why not the hat? Whiteis the | emblem of purity, although, | sad to say, when associated | with a hat, it used at one time to be provocative of an inquiry as to the honesty of the wearer in regard to the surreptitious possesion of a donkey. Has anybody anywhere ever seen a parson, whether M.A. or not, in a white hat? Surely such a phenomenon must rank dead donkey. This wi clerical costume at ecclesiasti- clergyman was a Freemason, wearing this as emblematic of a “tiled lodge.” | with the defunct ope Uw Vasu?” one of the inquiries to witch ; Nick suicy SteaK.” Lassie, “ A—WEEL. cal Exeter must naturally give |THE Boat 1’ THE Mory’s MORN!” rise. Perhaps the top-hatted| JH. S. Mottron Cops,” Lassie. ‘‘Ou, AY, BUT WE'VE NO BEEN KILLIN’ A Sueer THE DAY!” [Ends up with boiled eggs, and vows to remain at home for the future. | man, and a man a monster. IN THE WILDS OF THE NORTH. Hungry Saxon (just arrived, with equally hungry family), ‘‘ WELL, Sow—|term; not when, to change E’%.—WHAT CAN YOU GIVE US FOR DINNER, AS SOON AS WE'VE HAD A| the spelling ** Motley is your Scotch Lassie, ‘‘Ou, JisT ONYTHING !” be; H. S. (rubbing his hands in anticipation), ‘An! Now we’LL HAVE Aling a variety of talents as (a little crestfallen), ‘‘OH—WELL—CHOPS THEN, WE'LL BE HAEIN’ SOME STEAK HERE MAYBE BY We’itt say} What transformations cannot “ALL UP WITH THE EMPIRE!” Tuts is a dreadful ory to Let’s hope it is not anywhere near the truth. Says the Emperor, i.e. the chairman of the Empire (Theatre), ‘* There will be only one effect should the County Council endorse the decision of its Licensing Committee, The Empire Theatre will be at onee closed, as it would be im- possible to carry it on under such absurd restrictions.” Such is the Imperial ukase issuing from Leicester Square, And the Emperor is right. This “* gen | legis- [men fips well-inten- ion e grandmothers, may be all very well for ‘ babes and sucklings,” but then babies in arms are not ad- |mitted to the Empire, and those babes of older growth who have evidently been par- taking too freely of “ the bottle” are strictly excluded by the I. C. O. or Imperial uckers Out. No doubt London common sense will ultimately prevail, even in the Court of the London County Council, and the Empire will soon be going stronger than ever. Motitey Reriection.— What better name for an his- torian than ‘‘ Mottey”? Not in the buffoonic sense of the only ware”; but as imply- ual as the patches in the ect dress of a harlequin. f course the pen is the wand. the Motley historian bring about! A monster becomes a LITTLE AH SID; BuTTerRFLY BuMBLEBEE. Mr. Louis Meyer.) Litrtze An Srp Was a lemon-faced kid, Or. Tae Cutnee Boy anp THE JAPANESE Arn—“ Little Ah Sid.” (With Apologies to Which buzzed and which bummed, And circled and humm Round the head of that little Chinee. He guessed not the thing Had no end of a sting, As he chased him in malice secure, And he cried with a grin,— ** Buzzy-wuzzy no win! Me mashee um buttlefly, sure!” “ Kiya, kiya, kyipye yukakan f Moperw Manorrs.—Nearly all hotel ad- Chorus, Kiya, kiya ge ing An Sin, ** Um hurt me, um did, Um buttlefly bites—in Japan!!!’ With a visage as old as an ape’s ; ffron son-of-a-gun, He was fond of his fun, And much given to frolics and japes. Once in his way, _As Au Sip was at play, A big bumblebee flew in the spring. * Jap butterfly!” Cried he, winking his eye ; ** Me catchee and off um wing!” Chorus, “ Kiya, kiya, k e, akan ! Kiya, j Pag ykakan atk Sang little Am Sip, That elderly kid As he went for that bee from Japan. sharp sna’ At the golden- od chap, That innocent Setedieten Chorus. ** Kiya, kiya, kyipye, yukakan Kiya, kiya yukakan !” Sang little An Sim, The Celestial kid, As he after ‘‘ um buttlefly”’ ran. Little Au Srp Was a pig-headed kid (As well as en Could What kind of a fly Was buzz-wuzzing hard by, Till he grabbed him—with stinging suc- (ongdential communications. Kiva k ii ¢ 4, yt ye , ” Yelled An arp, as that bee Stung him hard in a sensitive spot. The Emperor has been consulting his physi- * Kiya yukakan ! cian, who, after careful diagnosis, pro- um Japanese man, nounced ‘‘ Tune in bad condition, and Luye Um buttlefly velly much hot!” vertisements prominently announce as among F the principal attractions of each establish- ment “* separate tables.” It looks as if the **all-together-table-d hite-system”’ had failed reason of “incompatibility of temper.” | Hence the divorce a mensd. The long table with all the noses in a row down in the feeding- trough is by this time a remnant of barbarism. Yet the * boxes” common to the old oting- houses, such for example, as may still he guess seen in some parts of both east and west, were “ pernicious snug”’ and sufficient! private, too, for business conversation an Serious, Very! Latest rrom Cuiwa.- ‘ queer.”

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| Curventry, I thought he was perfectly one persor here who | soon as we return. | Ruopa will not object tofecome,and meet | Oh, Lady Curverr, Lady Lutirmetor PUNCH, “OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocropgr 20, 1894. 184 Pome ; her suggestion—if it can be carried out; it would at least provide LYRE AND LANCET. a welcome relief from the usual after-dinner dullness of this sort of A Story in Scenes.) gathering. PART XVL—AN INTELLECTUAL PRIVILEGE. Miss — Then —would you ask him, Lady Cantine ? 4 7 7 Lady Cant. 1, my dear? You forget that 7 am not hostess here. Sopwe X XV The Chinese Drawing Room. Trwe—About 9.45 P.M. My sister-in-law is the proper person to do that. Mrs. Earwaker. Yes, dear Lady Lotiiveton, I’ve always) Lady Culr. Indeed I couldn't. But perhaps, Vivren, if you liked nsisted on each of my girle adopting a distinct line of her own, and the resalt has been most satisfactory. Lovisa, my eldest, is literary ; she had a little story accepted not long by The Milky Way ; then Manta is musical ; practises regularly hours every day on her violin. Fawwy has become quite an expert in photo- graphy—kodaked her father the other na | in the act of trying a difficu!t stroke at billiards; a back view—but so clever and charac- teristic! Lady Lullington absently ‘ A back view ? How nice / Mrs. Earw. He was the only one of the family who didn’t recog- nise it at once. Then my youngest, Canoti~e—well, I must 7 that for a long time I was quite in despair about Carotine, It really looked as if there was no single thing that she had the slightest bent or inclination for. So at last I thought she had better take up Religion, and make that her speciality. Lady Lull. (langudly). Religion ! How very nice! Mrs. Earw. Well, I got her a Chris- tian Year and a covered basket, and quantities of tracts, and so on; but, somehow, she didn’t seem to get on with it. So I let her give it up; and now she’s gone in for poker-etching instead. Lady Lull, (by an act of unconscious cerebration). Poker-etching! How very very nice! ( Her eyelids close gently. Lady Rhoda, Oh, wat indeed, Lady charmin’; not a bit booky, you know, but as clever as he can stick; knows more about terriers than any man I ever met! Lady Culverin. 8o glad you found him agreeable, my dear. was half afraid he might strike you as—well, just a little bit common in his way of talking. Lady Rhoda. Praps—but, after all, / one can’t expect those sort of people to //» talk quite like we do ourselves, can one ? Lady Cantire. Is that Mr. Spurrers you are finding fault with, Avsrn1a‘? It is curious that you should be the I consider him a very worthy and talented young man, and I shall most certainly ask him to dinner—or lunch, atjall eventse—as Ifdaresey Lady him, Lady Rhoda, Rather not, J’ll come, like a shot ! Lady Culr. (to herself . 1 ow it’s very silly of me to be so prejudiced. Nobody else seems to mind him! Miss Spelwane (crossing orer to them). has such a delightful idea she’s just been saying how very very nice it would be if Mr. Spugre_i could be persuaded to read some of his poetry aloud to us presently. Do you think it could be managed ? Lady Culv. (in distress). Really, my dear Viviey, I—I don’t know what to say. I fancy people woul so much rather talk—don’t you think so, Romesta ? Lady Cant. Probably they would, Atarmia. It is most unlikely that they would care to hear anything more intellectual and instractive than the sound of their own voices. Miss Spelwe. 1 told Lady Lotiieton that I was afraid you would | Lady Cant. You are perfectly mistaken, Miss Srerwaxz. I flatter myself I am _— as capable of appreciating a li privilege as anylxdy here. But I cannot answer for its being acceptable to the majority. Lady Culv. No, it wouldn't do at all. And it would be making this young man so much too conspicuous. Lady Cant, You are talking nonsense, my dear. When you are fortunate enough to secure a celebrity at Wyvern, you can’t make him foo conspicuous. I never knew that Lavra Lutirsetow had | any taste for literature before, but there’s something to be said for | think it a bore, Lady Canrtree. “ Iok and flour—couldn’t possibly miss him." to suggest it to him, he might—— Miss Spelw. I'll try, dear Lady Curvertn. And if my poor little persuasions have no effect, I shall fall back on Lady Cantrrz, and then he can’t refuse. I must go and tell dear y Lvi- Lineton—she ’ll be so pleased! (To herself, as she skims away.) I generally do get my own way. But I mean him to doit to please Me! Mrs. Chatteris (a little later, to Lady Masts). Have you heard what a treat is in store for us? That delightful Mr. SpuRkELL is going to give us a reading or a recitation, or something, from his own poems; at least, Miss Spe: wane is to ask him as soon as the men come in. Only J should have thought that he would be much more likely to consent if vow asked him. Lady Maisie. Would you? I’m sure I don’t know why. Mrs. Chatt. (archly). Oh, he took me in to dinner, you know, and it’s quite wonderful how people confide in me, but I suppose they feel I can be trusted. He mentioned a little fact, which gave me the impression that a certain fair lady’s wishes would be supreme with him. Lady Maisie (to herself). The wretch! He has been boasting of my unfortunate letter! (Aloud.) Mr. Spurrett had no business to give you any impression of the kind. And the mere fact that I—that I happened to admire his verses Mrs. Chatt, Exactly! Poets’ heads are so easily turned ; and, as I said to Captain THICKNESSE Lady Maisie, Captain THickyrssr! You have been talking about it—to Aim! Mrs. Chatt. 1’d no idea you would mind anybody knowing, or I would never have dream I’ve such a perfect horror of gossip! It took me so much by surprise, that I my | couldn’t resist; but I can easily tell Captain THIcKNEssE it was all a mistake ; he knows how fearfully inaccurate I always am. Lady Maisie, I would rather you said nothing more about it, please; it is really not worth while contradicting anything so utterly absurd. (To her- self.) That Geratp—Captain Txick- nEssE—of all people, should know of my letter! And goodness only knows what storv she may have made out of it! Mrs. Chatt. (to herself, as she moves away). I’ve been letting my tongue run away with me, as usual. She’s not the original of ‘‘ Lady Grisoline,” after all. Perhaps he meant Vivien SPELWANE— the description was much more like her / Pilliner (who has just entered with some of the younger men, to Miss Spetwane). What are you doing with these chairs? Why are we all to sit in a circle, like Moore and Borerss people? You're not going to set the poor dear Bishop down to play baby-games ’ How perfectly barbarous of you! Miss Spelw. The chairs are being arranged for something much more intellectual. We are going to get Mr. SpurrEt to read a poem to us, if you want to know. I told you I should manage it. Pill, There ’s only one drawback to that highly desirable arrange- ment. The bard, with prophetic foreknowledge of your designs, has unostentatiously Ramet to roost. So I’m afraid you’ll have to do without your poetry this evening—that is, unless you care to avail yourself again of my services ? Miss Spelw. indignantly}. It is too mean of you. You must have told him ! [ He protests his innocence. Lady Rhoda. Ancute, what’s become of Mr. Spvrgeti? I par- ticulesty want to ask him something. Bearpark. The poet? He nipped upstairs—as I told you all al -~g he meant to—to scribble some of his democratic drivel, and (with a suppressed grin) I don’t think you'll see him again this evening. _ Captain Thicknesse (to himself, as he enters). She’s keepin’ a chair next hers in the corner there for somebody. Can it be for that poet of ——

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oo 7 i i a ee Ocropgr 20, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 185 —_— chap?.. (He meet, Lady Matste’s eye suddenly.) Great Soott! If| mh for oat rin I've half'a aed notto—— No, I shall bea THE BLUE GARDENIA. fool if I lose such a chance! (He crosses, and drops into the vacant (A Imitation) chair I md re — mora, | ie ate | Lady Maisie (simply). 1 meant you We used to be such good| 1; was a splendid scarlet afternoon, and the little garden looked friends; it’s a pity to have misunderstandings. And—and I want its gayest in the midsummer sunshine which streamed down its tiny to ask you what that silly little Mrs. Cuarreris has been telling you paths. Yellow asters grew golden in the pale lemon light, whilst at dinner about me. the green carnations which abounded everywhere seemed so natural that it was diffionlt to believe they had been wired on to the plants that morning by a London firm of florists. That was a plan on which Cecrt, Paracrapn always insisted. As he was so fond of saying, Nature was a dear old thing, but she lacked inventiveness. It Capt. Thick.4Well, she was sayin’—and I must say I don’t under- stand it, after your tellin’ me you knew nothing about this Mr. Spcere ct till this afternoon—— : , Lady Mawie, But I don’t. And I—I did offer to explain, but you said you —" A age , an ything that perh - Capt. Thick. Didn't want you ell me anything tha aps you ‘4 rather not, don’t you know. Still, I should like to know how this poet chap came to write a poem all about you, and call it ** Lady Grisoline,” if he never—— _ Lady Maisie. But it’s too ridiculous! How could he? When he never saw me, that I know of, in all his life before! me Capt. Thick. He told Mrs, Cuarrerts you were the original of ; Lord Ancure (he was not a Lord really, but his “* Lady Grisoline” anyway, and really -—— , Cecr. always that a title was a Lady Maisie. He dared to tell her that? How, disgracefully | matter of temperament) and Gectt. were sitting out on the lawn. impertinent of him. (To herself.) Solong ashe hasn’t talked about | Clever conversation always takes place on the lawn. Cxctt and my letter, he may say what he pleases ! . : Lord Axcuie smoked high-priced cigarettes, The witty characters Capt, Thick. But what toas it you were goin’ to explain to me? | alwa od. You said there was somethin’—— : : “* My dear Ancuie,” said Crom, “I have something important to Lady Maisie (to herself). It’s no use ; I’d sooner die than tell him | tell you.” . about that letter now! (A/loud.) I—I only wished you to under- “If you were not Ceci Panacrapn, that would mean that the stand that, whatever I think about poetry—I detest poets! milkman had ecalled to have his account paid, or that Many—or is it Lady Cant. Yes, as you say, Bishop, a truly Augustan mode of Marrma ?—had given notice. It’s like letters headed ‘ Important, ’- recreation. Still, Mr. SpuRRELL doesn’t seem to have come in yet, s0| a prospectus of a gold mine, or a letter from a distant relative to say I shall have time to hear anything you have to say in defence of | he’s coming to stay the week-end. Saying ‘week always re- your opposition to Parish Couneils. , é | abe minds me of the Baron pe Boox-Worms. I fancy myself haggling [ The Bishop resigns himself to the inevitable. | for a cheap ticket at a booking-office.” Archie (in Prutovee’s ear), Ink and flour—couldn’t possibly miss| ‘‘ Arcniz, you’ve t enough. Remember it is I who am him; the bard’s got a matted head ¢his time, and no mistake. expected to fill the bill, Anrcure, I am writing a book.” Pill. Beastly bad form, J call it—with a fellow you don’t know., ‘‘A book? You will let me collaborate with you?” You'll get yourself into trouble some day. And you eouldn’t even| ‘‘ Collaboration is the modern method of evading responsibility. manage your ridiculous booby-trap, for here the beggar comes, as if | A genius moves in a cycle of masterpieces, but it is never a cycle nothing had happened. F made for two,’ It reminds me of the book by Mr. Riper Hacoarp Archie (disconcerted), Confound him! The best booby-trap I land Mr. Lane. Too late Mr. Haccarp found that he had killed the goose which laid the golden eggs. He had lost the notices which his pink rhapsody, erer made! The Bishop. My dear Lady Cantrre, here is our youthful poet, | collaborator could no longer write.” at the eleventh hour, (Zo himself.) ‘‘ Sic me servarit Apollo!” ** But it is so much trouble to write a book. Would not a purple [Miss Spetwane adrances to meet SPURRELL, who stands sur- | newspaper article effect your reying the array of chairs in blank bewilderment. ‘* One would think I was Mr. Atuetstan Rixey, or the Independ- ; ets ent Labour Party, to hear you talk of effecting my purpose. But in an speeie eck" Bo Ging heck” ent Lord A “Tell me, Cectr, tell me about your .” sai rd Ancuir, BRITISH LIONS. with the ardour of a disciple of Cxcrt’s. ** Tt will be called The Blue Gardenia. The title is one of the [‘ Poor Mrs. Leo Hunter has fallen on evil days.... It is the lions ; [ themselves that are lacking.... We have fallen upon an age of prancing unemployed ; it has nothing to do with the mediocrity.” — The World, October 10.} ont ‘ 1 B p : : : “I fancy I remember that Mr. Barry Pain O pire is our extremity, whose laudable persistence vail deed main beets ™ - In tracking down celebrities is undiminished still, |= . We're quick enoegh to mark our prey, we scent him at a distance, me 2 —_—_ B sng games S Papers trig But seldom is our watehfulness re ed by a * kill. am like Mr. Batrovr, I do not hesitate to shoot There are bears indeed in , there are owls with strident voices, |—into my treasury the pearls of speech I have And jackanapes in yd are seldom hard to find, | gathered from others, and then, Acute, I shall But the genuine British Lion, in whom our heart rejoices, |not lack the art of personal allusion. If my Seems almost to have vanished from the dwellings of mankind! | characters go out into the village and see the vil- | lage clergymen, I shall make him the a say it’s And even if we find him, after herculean labour |of Cawrersury. People like it. They Apart from festive drawing-rooms he resolutely roams, | rude. but they read the book and repeat the Disgracefully forgetful of his duty to his neighbour | rudeness, I shall be frankly rude. Minor poets He quite declines to dignify our dinners and At Homes land authors and actors will all be fair i=. | You suggest the publisher may object. ‘To tell Too often those we ask are unaccountably prevented From hastening, a0 wo wented them, * u the truth, any maw will publish for me, 7 —_ 0 j to come and join the| The book will succeed—it is only mediocrities = dance,” ho ind in failure—and the public will And so, in these degraded times, we have to be contented \w o indulge in = ° 4 : With quite inferior a; medicerities whe “ prance.” Suu in their mad rush to be dosed with Yo zencng medi” eet eee sno duit exeremee |, $d gh wae Sein fer a ec The decadent young poet, with the limp and languid air, The very last pianist with the too-abundant tresses ‘ , playing is—well, only less eccentric than his hair. _ And so plucking as they went the green carnations of a blameless life, they went in to dinner. So, Mr. Punch, we hostesses regard you with affection, 6 2c And now that our calamity and trouble you have heard, If any happy circumstance should bring in your direction Tae Tare or J. B.; on, * Toe Prisoner or Sarta.”—“ J, B. A really nice young lioa—would you kindly send us word ? is sly, Sir—devilish sly ;” but the prevent J. B., not the Maj OT EAT bo ™ v m= Bagstock of Dombey and Son, but minor Janez Batrour, ‘has 4 not yet, as reported, managed to escape from the prison of Salta, New Nove. sy tae Avrnor or “Twe Manxman.”—The| authorities having contrived to put a little Salt-a pon his tail. J/ y To be appreciated is to be found out.’ Minz-woman, [ Not yet ready. | est, il y reste.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

[Ocronmr 20, 1894.

Hustess UPHOLSTERER DID IT UP Visitor (sotto voce), Fiiuiiie— eae trumpets ill not d o no will not down fe there’s no doubting, Mum.

| a Parry-graph.) | Roserts ” Their tongues and loud Rad ram’s-horns do their level best to win it, Mum. But—they ain't got 1id of Hus—not yet,— | nor won’t See Se Mum!

From THE Brawinenam Festrvat.—An | eminent musician sends us this note: — Nothing Brummagem about the Birmingham Festival. Dr. Parry's oratorio, King Saul, a big suecess. Of course this subject has been Handel’d before; but the composer of King | Saul, Junior, (so to be termed for sake of distinetion, and distinction it has certainly | attained,) need fear no com-parry-songs. Per- | haps another title might be, ** Ze Rot Saul a la mode de Parry.” (Private, to Ed,— Shall be much pleased if you’ll admit this as Horg Dispettep.—The music-hall pro- prietors must have been in high spirits at the | commencement of the sittings of the Licens- | |ing Committee when they heard that ‘* Mr. | was to be the chairman. Of Bay to them there is but one ‘ ‘ Ronerts, - which his prénom is ** AnTuur” un- fortunately there appeared as chairman **not | this AnTHOR, but another. In the course of conversation, the other cooning, Mrs. R. remem that “The arine”’ is a German title. ‘ Isn’t } ” she asked, “a Margarine of Hesse?” | ANTI-PATNESS.— Excellent posigs for get. | ting thin. Back horses, and you will many pounds in no time. (4 Cice gratis by | | one who has tried it.)

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“VESTED INTERESTS.” House or Lonps Cuarwomay. “ WELL! THEM ROGEBERRIES, AND ’ERBERT GLADSTINGS, AND HASKWIDGES, AND THE REST ON ’EM MAY TORK—AND THEY MAY TORK—BUT THEY H’AINT TURNED HUS OUT YET!!”

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— SS ES eee ew ae eee OE Se eT lU oO COCO CellC Ss Fr SBeaeegwee, GS as @ Re a & te

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Octoper 20, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 189 A PIER OF THE EMPIRE. | (By « Commoner of the Nation.) As licensing day was approaching, I thought it my duty to visit the Empire Theatre of Varieties in Leicester Square, so that if needs be I could appear as a witness ei for the prosecution or the defence. | | | am happy to say that my expedition has put me ina position to join | | the garrison. From to last—from item No. 1 to item No. 10—| the entertainments at the Empire are excellent. And in this| general praise I am able to include “ Living Pictares,”’ which are all that even an | archbishop could wish that they should be. | Bat the chief attraction of the evening is | a new ballet dirertissement in one tableau, called On Brighton Pier, which has evidently been pat up to teach the members of the L. C. C. how much better things are done in the Sussex watering place than in © the great metropolis. According to “ the Argument,” when the scene opens, people are menading in the sun, and “some gentlemen bribe the bath chairmen to give up their places in the evening so that they may flirt with the girls accompanying the invalids.” But poy as an afterthought this was thought a little too strong for the Censor of Spring Gardens, I found the ** gentlemen ” (most of them in high white hats), and then I discovered the bath chair- men, but there was nothing to lead me to believe that the connecting links between = the two were bribery and corruption. In addition to this plat d@ la Don Giovanni there were an entrée in the shape of a gathering of schoolboys and schoolgirls, a souffé in some military plus naval drill, and a piece de résistance in a change of scene from the deck of the Pier to the depths of the sea beneath it. And here let me say that I use résistance in a purely culinary sense, as nothing could have worked more smoothly than the transformation. | Madame Karri Lannex, by whom the ballet has been invented, is _—e mistress in the art of concocting terpsichorean trifles, and never mits any difficulty in combining the poetry of fancy with the a change of scene is necessary, The public, after admiring the re- freshment stalls and the distant view of the Grand Hotel, want some- thing more. Certainly, why not? The daughter of an American millionaire, who has met a rather effeminate gentleman for the first time, overcome by the heat, falls asleep. Then, to quote from “‘ the Argument,” in her dream she sees sirens and sea-nymphs, led by the Queen Coralie (Signorina Bick Porro), unsuccessfully attempt to lure away her lover, but—awaking from her sleep—the vision disappears, and she finds him at her feet. All this was very pretty, and the scruples of the L. C. C. were considered by the lack of success of Queen Coralie to shake the swain’s fidelity to his betrothed. Although evidently interested in the dances of the sirens and sea- nymphs—in spite of their treating him with little or no attention—he was ultra discreet in making the acquaintance of her submarine majesty. When the Queen stood on one toe he merely accepted her invitation to hold her hand, and thus enable her to revolve on the tip of her right tee—but went no further. And really and traly, as a gentleman, it was impossible for him to do less, At any rate his conduct was so unexceptional in (Grace Dollar's dream, that bis actuality of fact. In her latest production she finds that after a while | h tical, owing to the difficulty of finding enough unappropriated printers’ symbols to represent our different shades of silence. ever, with luck, I may be able to scrape together a few more, and come to some sort of conclusion. } boy Hotel Metropole}, and, after some further dances, the curtain falls.” Nothing can be prettier, and more truly moral, than On Brighton Pier. I can conscientiously recommend it to every member of the L. ©. C.; some will smile at the eccentric dance of Major Spooner (Mr. Wri. Brsnop) ; others will grin at the more boisterous humour of Christopher Dollar (Mr. Joun Ripier); and all must weep at the depressed velvet coat of Don Diego (Mr. GroneE Asuton), the husband of Senora Dolares, in search of a (compara- tively) long-lost daughter. Judging from the reception the let received the other evening, I fancy that On Brighton Pier will remain on London boards for any length of time. GOSSIP WITHOUT WORDS. [“Avrorycus,” in the Pall Mall Gazette of October 11, inveighs against the necessity of conversation between friends : —‘“‘ If I find a girl nice to look at, and she has taken great pains to make herself nice to look at, why cannot we pass the evening, I looking at her, and she being looked at? But no, we must talk.’’] Unpovstep ty, if conversation were abolished, ‘‘ short stories "’ in the future would be still further abbreviated. Here is a beautiful specimen of blank—or Anthony Hope-less—dialogue :— THE NELLY NOVELETTES. *!” exclaimed Miss Netty Eaton, suddenly, with her quivering nostril. “2?” T asked with my right eyebrow, ~ rousing myself from a fit of abstraction. She pointed at a young man who had jast strolled past our seats in the Row without noticing her. He was dressed in the height of fashion, and was accompanied by a lady in very smart attire. *.. .” explained Ne.y, with her mouth tightly shut. I looked at her, and gathered by a swift rocess of intuition that she had made that hoy, and taught him to drink and smoke— of course, in moderation; had got his hair rei eut, and had rescued bim from an adven- “ Taught him to smoke.” turess. From her he had learnt not to go to Monday Pops, nor to carry things about in brown paper—in fact, he owed everything to er... And now——! ‘*§” T visibly commented, not knowing for the moment how else In fact I was getting just a trifle out of my depth. However, I gazed again at her... . Yes, she had ney eloquent blue eyes, Finged with dark eyelashes, that voiced fort every emotion! Stay, I am afraid that in my admiration my speech- less remarks had wandered frem the topic of our mute discussion. **+” interjected her pitying but impatient glance, telling me that my devotion was useless. I looked very miserable. It is generally understood that I am the most miserable of men since Miss Eaton’s engagement to an American millionaire. (Here I am sorry to say that our dialogue becomes somewhat ellip- to express myself. How- Let me see—where were wer Oh, on the subject of the and his companion, who, it seems, were engaged. ***” resumed Ne.ty, in a look which spoke three volumes, I Siancée, who, according to “the Argument,” had had *‘a slight quarrel with him,” immediately sought reconciliation. Besides the submarine interlude, On Brighton Pier has a serious underplot. Senora Dolares (Signorina Cavat.azz1), who has been searching all over the world for her daughter, who had been stolen from her ten years ago, is personally conducted . beach. Husband and wife seemingly spend They are here | the entire day on the Pier. in the morning, in the sunshine, and here when the variegated lamps are lighted at night. The Senora is pleased at nothing. She regards the vagaries of a negro comedian with indifference, and does not even smile at the gambols of a clown dog. Suddenly a girl called Dora appears. And now once more to quote the Argument. ‘ Dora plays upon her mandoline some melody the Senora Dolares recognises, She quickly asks the | girl where she first heard it; and Dora says | t that a lady used to sing it to her in her early days, and that the same lady gave her a cross, which she produces. The Senora, by soungeenee in Dora her long-lost child. Amid | 8 “T can conscientiously recommend it.”’ means of the cross, great excitement she divined at once that she had thrown him over, that there had been an awful scene, and his mother had written a horrid lette had come back and abjectly apologised, that he said she had his faith in women (the usual thing), that he | went on sending letters for a whole year: in to the pleasant promenade off the | fact, that it made her quite uncomfortable. Burweien's nod! she not been in love with him a little bit ¢ parasol. : **;” I asked again, referring to a different person, and, I am afraid, squinting. ins ‘ r, that he destroyed . » Really, Nexiy can give points to Lorp **?” inquired my right eye, meaning, had Miss Netty prodded the psth with her Miss Newry looked for the fraction of an tant in my direction. ‘7 4” I repeated. : Miss Nery looked straight in front of her, There was her flancé, he American millionaire! ‘*___t__!” hat is, I smilingly withdrew. Satisractory Reports as TO THE AMEER.—It was not an illness, tenderly away |in the direction of the | it was “‘ A mere indisposition.”

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[Ocrommn 20, 1894. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [{ MVIAdOJ ATCRAMASAG GNV ATHSNANNAI SVM SURURCNVAA ANBOOTIY AHL ANV SUXAOY ANOISGNYE GAY GIO AHL NAXMLAG HOLVAL TIVALOOY TVANNY AH, “Sd33d OINOLSIHSYd

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I? | ee ee WAS SRR ENSELY AND DESERVEDLY POPULAR! ! | Ocrosar 20, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 191 “Hywen Hyrmenze!” (4 propos of @ Public Favour- ite). — Mr. Punch wishes health and i to the bride of Sir Wiurttam Gare- cory, known to us all, during 4 long and honourable thea- trical career in the very first line of Dramatic Art, as Mrs. STIRLING incomparable, always of sterling worth in she took a poond — on oy eee. are | in it some- mm t a asso- | ciation, for were not the Nurse Gregory “F “ StorpPine” THE Wari IN THE CoLonres.— Where, . allies Colonists are first in | the be the field where | it 4... it is unwise to allow any non-Britishers to batt far as a semi-colony, but - once they should to come to a fall-stop, — it is, Great Britain looks on in a state of com(m)a, only to wake up = * note of exclamation, not of admiration, - my it is too late to put a note of interro- gation. COMPREHENSIVE. **Waat’s Votapux, Docror Scumitz?” “Ir 1s ze UnirersaL Lanevace!” ‘AND wHo Speaks IT?” ** Nororry !” | “Crry Improvements.” — |The City isn’t likely to lose any chance of a at the iL. Yo, Ad, a week, at a | meeting say A Commis- sioners of 8 at Guildhall, Alderman GREEN ,—not so ver- dant by any means as the name aoe seem to imply,— aa the great delay en of the C, in rerard to the im- Lot in Upper Thames Street. So the London County Couneil is sitting considering “dum defluit Anus” —re- | presen pe “amnis eri’ —and is, pace ‘ae ever Green in a state of stag- nation as far as ‘ improve- ments” are concerned. es A Drovta-anp-Movru- Diszase.—A curious disease, Tae, bas it is said, in the East, has latel ba filed ‘medical men. It is beriberi.”’ Introduce another *‘e”’ into the first and third syllable, and the name might serve for that thirsty kind of feverish state with which no Anti-closing- of - the- public - at - any - time - Society is is able to ) Cope. a ** Paematurr ?” — Per Leaden Press, jis bringing out a Horn-biak real | book For years have cés au livre de la corne!” Mr. Turn that is, a fac- = of the ancient Horn- longed to see the genuine | article, It will be in Horna- mental cover, of course, ** Suc- the old “THE AUTOCRAT.” OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. Born 1809, Diep Ocrosen 7, 1894. “ Tue Last Leaf!” Can it be true, We have Suaned and on you That the years at last have power ? That Hive Seliage and tte flower Fade and fall Was there one s- ever _ Even gentle Ex1a’s self Might be proud to share that shel, af With a soul of kindred sort, Who could Mad ctpeng conse end eport one sheaf From that Boston breakfast table Wit and wisdom, fun and fable, Radiated places. | With a manly breadth of soul, And a fancy quaint and droll ; ipe and mellow : With a virile power of ** hit,” ey - r, poet, wit, And good fellow ! Sturdy patriot, and yet’ True world’s citizen! Regret Dims our eyes As we on each well-thumbed leaf ; Yeta Ge 7 — our grief Years your spirit could not tame, And they not dim your fame ; England joys In your songs h and ease, strengt And the “dreams” ~¥ * wrote to please Grey-haired And of such were you on one ? Age chilled not your fire or fun. Heart alive ae 5 boy of a Tho hi years Goby by ‘the card” — “Shiekte tive! VENETIAN FLOWER SELLERS Tom, dark-eyed —— graceful, gay, expected you to be Ado ring ocomias = Sea. But you are very far from that ; You're forty—sometimes more—and fat. Oh, girls of Venice! Woops, R.A., frequently depicted you, ldealieing, I should say— A thing that painters often do ; Still, though your charms have left me cold, and old! At least you are not fat WwW by foes you. ppewe-atiens, then, vanced i in age and size ? m.. _— charm the foreign men, ho gaze at you in blank surprise, You hover round me—like a gnat, Each of you, but old and fat. Extremely troublesome you are, No gnats were ever half so bad, You upon me from afar, Aad do yous Ness to aetve me mad, Oh bother you, so overbold Preposterously fat and old | te yo ope me as I drink uy affe nero on square, Sti mmr Toad, ga and think I can’t refuse them. 1 don’t care, I’d buy them, just to have a chat, lf you were not so old and fat, Oh geamee I hate the sight flowers since that afternoon When first we met. 1 are & fight, Or drowning in the still I am, your flowers You are so very fat and old. SUGGESTED MOTTO FOR THE AERATED BREAD COMPANY, . “His ey Was aéry light, fro re di ahaa!) fer aT. havs.

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| 192 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocronmn 20, 1894, | FIRST IMPRESSIONS. Tnere is no doubt that one’s first impres- sions are always the brightest and the best : therefore I resolve to record the first impres- sions of a first visit to the Italian lakes. British Bellagio.—** Hotel Victoria, Prince de Galles et des Iles Britanniques,”’ or some such name, is usually, as Baedeker says, * frequented by the English.” They are here certainly, and one hears one’s native lan- guage There are the honey- moon couples, silent and re- served, who glare fiercely at anyone who might be supposed to im- agine for a mo- ment that they are newly mar- ried; there people who con- verse in low mo- notonous voices every where. ther, which changes every hour; there is an old lady, who gives one startling information, telling one, for instance, that Pavut Veronese was born at Verona ; and there are two or three British menservants, gazing with superb disdain at | The hotel is very quiet. | The evening of a week-day is like Sunday | the poor foreigners. evening, and Sunday evening is ——!!! If only the weather were not also English, or even worse. On the last day of September the only warm place is by the fire in the fumoir. 8o let us hurry off from this wintry climate to somewhere, to anywhere. By the first boat we go. | Still English everywhere. At Bellagio a great crowd, and heaps of luggage. At Cadenabbia a greater crowd, and more heaps | of luggage. along the gangway in the wind. There is a sad-faced Englishman, his hands full of packages, his pockets stuffed with others, carrying under his arm a little old picture wrapped loosely in pink tissue paper, which the wind blows here and there. He is a for- getful man, for he wanders to and fro collect- ing his possessions. With him is another forgetful Englishman in very shabby clothes, who also carries packages in paper, and who drags after him an immensely fat bull-dog at the end of a cord five yards long, which winds round posts and human legs and other obstacles. At last they are all on board—the forgetful Englishmen have darted back for the last time to fetch in am ice-axe and an old umbrella—and on we go over the grey water, past the grey hills, under the grey | sky, towardsComo, AtCernobbio the shabby Englishman lands, dragging his bull-dog at the end of the cord, and carrying in his |} arms two rolls of rugs, a bag, and trifles. ing his tiny Old Master in the ever-diminish- ing pink paper, wanders in and out seeking | forgotten treasures, an ice-axe, a bag, another | paper parcel. Finally all are landed, the gangway is withdrawn, the steamer ns to | move. Suddenly there is ashout. The shabby | Englishman has forgotten something. | sympathetic passengers look round. Tin | @ solitary umbrella on a seat. that is his. | this yours?” ere is No doubt A friendly stranger cries, “* Is and tosses it to him on the quay. Then there is another shout. ‘ Ach | Himmel, dat is mine!” The frantic German waves his arms, the umbrella is tossed back, he catches it and is happy. But meanwhile another English man, the most egregious ass are | about the wea-| Here they come, struggling | other | His sad-faced companion, still hold- | The | | that ever lived, has discovered yet another solitary umbrella, which he easts wildly into space. For one moment the captain, the pas- sengers, the people on the quay, gaze breath- less as it whir s through the air. It falls just short of the landing-stage, and sinks into the grey waters of that chilly lake, never more to be recovered, in any sense of the word. In those immeasurable depths its neat silk covering will decay, its slender frame will fall to pieces. It has gone for ever. Be- neath this grey Italian sky some Italian gamp must keep off these Italian showers. Then the captain, the gers, and the people smile and laugh. one on whose face there is not a grin, for | that umbrella was mine. A First [wpressionist. | TO A PRETTY UNKNOWN. (By a Constant Admirer.) Your pretty face I saw two years ago, You looked divine—if I’m not wrong, in lace. I noticed you, and thus I got to know Your pretty face. To-day I travelled to a istant place. We stop at Bath. I my Punch, when lo! You came into my car- riage and Your Grace Rode with me for a dozen miles or so. Tell me, should we in this Fate’s finger trace ? I care not since you had the heart to show Your pretty face. 4 TEDDIE THE TILER. ’Tis November makes the (Lord) Mayor to go. As the ninth approaches, the year’s tenant of the Mansion House packs up and says farewell to all his greatness. On the | principle that attributes happiness to acountry | that has no annals, the outgoing Loxp Mayor is to be congratulated on his year of office. It | is probable that out of aldermanic circles not one man of a hundred in the street could straight off say what is his Lordship’s name. Mr. Punch, who knows most things, only ventures to believe that the good alderman is known in the family circle as Sir Epwarp | Tytzr. And a very good name, too. In the | occult ceremonies pertaining to freemasonry it is understood there is an official known as the Tiler, whose duty is to guard the door, strictly excluding all but those whose right | of entrance is Lag om, tl Our Sir Epwarp | has indeed been the Tiler of the traditionally hospitable Mansion House. , who write this, am the only BROKEN CHINA. | Ir is curious to observe the’ attitade of Western Powers towards the life-and-death | struggle going on in the far East. We of | course regret the loss of life, but are mainly | interested in observing the effect in actual work of ships and guns identical with our own. It isa sort of gigantic test got —m our benefit at somebody else’s expense. That an ancient empire seems tottering to a fall moves no emotion. ‘‘ Yes,” said the Mem- ber for Sark, to whom these recondite re- | marks were addressed ; “‘ Pope wasn’t far out of it when he very nearly said * Europe is mistress of herself though China fall.’ ”’ “MOVING ABOUT IN WORLDS NOT REALISED.” By a prejudiced but puzzled Victim of Tea- caddies and Finger-jars.) | suppose there’s a war in the East, (I am deluged with pictures about it,) But I can’t realise it—no, not in the least, And, in spite of the papers, I doubt it. A Chinaman seems od ss. nebulous chap, And ee fancy shedding the gore of a ap. | Those parchmenty fellows have fleets ? Big Iron-clads, each worth a million ? _I cannot conceive it, my reason it beats. The lord of the pencil vermilion Fits in with a teacaddy, not a torpedo. Just oe a Ram in that queer bay of Yedo! It seems the right place for a junk, (With a fine flight of storks in the offing), But think of a battle-ship there being sunk By a Krupp! ‘Tis suggestive of scoffing. I try to believe, but ’tis merely bravado. | It all seems as funny as Gitpert’s Mikado. | And then those preposterous names, _ Like a lot of cracked bells all a-tinkling ! I try to imagine their militant games, Bat at present I can’t get an inkling |Of what it can mean when a fellow named Hone And one Tixe (Lord High Admiral!) go it ding-dong ! A Netson whose nomen is WHANG To me, I admit’s, inconceivable. And war between Wo-Hvne and Caine-s- Rive Caane, F Sounds funny, but qyte unbelievable, And can you conceive Maxim bullets a-sing Round a saffron-hued hero called Pine- Wine ? A ship called Kow-Shing, I am sure, Can be only a warship rire. : And Count V amagara~ he touet be a cure! No, no, friends, I very much fear 7 That in spite of the pictures, and portraits, and maps, : t ' | I can’t make live heroes of Johnnies and Japs! Pore, or ; a Samy XN | eee : =

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| Oorosas 27, 1894.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 193

a AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION. "Arry (shouting across the street to his ‘ Pal”). “‘H1! Bru! Tus 1s ’ER!”

POLYCHROME ENGLISH. A short suburban dialogue, illustrating the deplorable downward spread of the New Colowr-descriptiveness, as ified in such works as the ** Arsenic Buttonhole,” Scene—Peckham, Cuaracters—Biit, a Greengrocer. Jim, an Oil and Colour Man, Jim. ’Ow are yer, Biri? Fine pink morning, yn’t it ? Bill, Um, a shyde too migenta for me, mate—’ow’s yerself P Jim, Oh, I’m just + ome ; and the missus, she’s bright ver- a milion, ’Ow's your Bill. Bhe’s a bit off colour. Pussonally, I’m feelin’ lemon yaller, hall through a readin’ o’ this yer Pioneer kid. Jim, Buck up, mate; you’ve no call to be yaller, nor a perminent bloo, heither! "Ow’s tryde? Bill, Nothin’ doin’, Wy, I ain’t sold an indigo onion Ry a ackleg, chocolate tater to-day. It’s enuff to myke a cove turn b s’elp me! Jim. Well I gives ’im the tip—arf a crown a go . Bill. Well, that is a tyke-down! ’ orn , [’m a tyking pupils—leastways, I’ve a young josser of a bankclurk come messin’ Fans my pyn ¥ oantie’ to hoe wot sort o’ noise raw humber mykes, an’ wot’s the fee/ o’ rose madder. LETTERS FROM A DEBUTANTE. My Dear Mansorre,—You remember Ceci Casumore? Of course no theatricals could be a success unless he took the entire management. He is a celebrated private performer, and his name is frequently seen in ‘‘ Amateur Dramatic Notes,” where he is freely compared to Cogverin, Anruurn Roperts, Invine, and CHaRies Keay, in his earlier manner—I mean Cuartes Keane's earlier manner, not Cercit’s. He always greets me with, “Oh, I’m so afraid of you. I believe you’re very cross with me”; and his parting words are invariably ‘‘ Good-bye; I’m coming to see you so soon!’’ Crssy—everyone calls him Cissy—seems to be a little particular, not to say fidgetty. Bany Beaumont heard him say to his valet, ‘‘ Take away that eau-de-cologne—it’s corked.” He seems to think himself ill, though he looks blooming; and says he has neurasthenia. He’s always going through some “ course,” or “ treatment.”’ One hears him cry to the footman who hands him a forbidden dish, ‘‘Good Heavens, my dear man, don’t offer me that—I’m under Jowies!”’ e wanted to act The School for Scandal, but Crissy has per- suaded us to get up a burlesque of his own—-Red Riding Hood. | am to be Red Riding Hood!!! Iam de- lighted. I have never acted before; but ; they say I have only to trip on with a basket. Bany declared he the | be a Proud Sister. In vain he was told there were no Proud Sisters in Led Riding Hood; he seemed to have set his heart on it so much that Cissy has written one in for him. Now Basy is happy, designing himeelf a gor- geous frock, and passing hours in front of . a looking-glass, trying various patterns _ es inst his complexion. All the strength @ » S" of the piece falls upon Cissy, who plays the Wolf, and has given himself any amount of songs and dances, lots of ‘serious interest,” and all the ‘‘ comic relief.” He says it’s not an ordinary burlesque, but a mixture of a problem play and a comic opera, Cagpaie Masurnoron is to play the Mother, so I see a good deal of him. (The Lorne Hoppers are in Scotland), We had had sixteen rehearsals when Lapy TayMER suddenly horrified us by saying it seemed so much trouble—why not give it up, and , /' if we wanted a little fun, black our faces‘ / and pretend to be niggers!! Of course, we would not listen to her. I hear Captain ; ] Masaixcton rehearsing his part every morning, quietly, in the billiard-room. He never can remember the lines * Good bye, my dear, now mind you ’re very good, And shun the dangers lurking in the wood.” He thinks the mother ought to kiss Red Riding Hood before she starts. J think not. We asked Cissy. He says it’s optional... . Cissy rose with the owl to-day, and said he was not well. A little later he came and told us complacently that he had been looking it up in the Eneyelopedia, and found he had “* every <n oy of acute lead-poisoning.’’ He added that there was nothing to done, **T thought there was ning Sop with you yesterday,” said Bany. ‘“ You declined all nourishment between lunch and tea,”’ ** By the way,” said Cissy, pretending not to hear, ‘‘ Masuixotow really is not quite light enough for the Mother. You should per- suade him to go through a course, Miss Gaps.” “ He’s just been through a course,” I said, ‘at Hythe.” ‘My dear lady, I don’t mean musketry. He ought to consult Caste Jongs, the specialist. No soup, no bread, no potatoes— saccharine. What are you allowed?” turning to Bany, who was sitting on a window seat eating marrons-glacés out of a paper-bag. This sight seemed to infuriate our manager. He made a wild dart at Basy, saying, ‘‘ Oh, look at this; it’s fatal, positively fatal!

! E must be a bloomin’ green- snatched violently at the ba red a chestnut, and calmly walked , secu ut Fon, To pain ES ee a out of the room eating it a saying it was delicious. . . ! I had just come home from a very nice drive with Jacx—I mean F tion green- done ’im vandyke brown, J tell yer! I don’t think ’e’ll hever pynt | Captain Masnrveron—when I found a letter from Oxter. He say: the tarn red ! Bill. Blymy, you’re a knockout! Look ’ere, mate, now got the ochre, youll stand ‘arf a quartern at the ‘‘ Blue Pig,’ ? eh? ,.. | he is engaged to Miss Toogoop. The matter is to be kept a profound | you've | secret for the present.... He asks me, for the sake of the past, to \try and get him a stamp of the Straits Settlements, in exchange | [Ezeunt ambo. | tora Mauritian.... She collects stamps too—it must have been the

By an Old Bachelor. “* Are children humorous?” the Spectator asks. Practical jokers are they, every one of them ; Their Tt 7 ee page sorely tasks, Bat I’ll be hanged if 1 can see the fun of them! | bond of union.... How fickle men are! It’s enough to disgust one with human nature. 1 know I broke it off, but still—— Ever your loving friend, GLapys, I wonder if Miss Toogoop will have a bangle. I should like to advise her not to have it rivetted on, It’s such a bother getting | | them filed off.

VOL, CVIL,

Page 264

| 04 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Ocroser 27, 1894 | ~~, Hl { / / === Y.2e —————— MRS. PROWLINA PRY.—‘“I HOPE | DON’T INTRUDE!” THOUSANDS OF FELLOW-CREATURES FLUNG FROM WORK AT THE MERE PEN-STROKE OF A HAsTY OxNSOR |— AN UNOCONSIDERED TRIFLE ZEAL MAY SHIRE ! Bur Sense May wot, wor Justice! Taey ARE DENSER 4 THAN PUNCH IMAGINES, OUR NEW BUMBLE-BAND, ly Mistress Pry's DECISION THEY ABIDE BY ; Bor sHOULD THEY FAIL Us, PUNCA THROUGHOUT THE LAND WILL WAKE THE PEOPLE PRUDES AND PRIGS ARE TRIED BY!

Page 265

—_—— Ocroper 27, 1894.]

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 195

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ee 3 — ll cts “BUT OH, IT WAS SUCH AN "ORRIBLE TAIL!”

MRS. PROWLINA PRY. A female Praise - God- Barebones now Tour he % 2? sai would rule us. ou ee you don’t intrude? Prowziwa We Britons, who have bafiled our male Prys, You do, you dv! In ignorance it may be, | Are little like to let she-ones befool us. The réle of RuaDAMANTHUS you would try, ’ With searce the fitness of a bumptivus "Twas the old lepers | | | The Puritanic plan in a new guise !— Unclean! Unclean! __ baby. yp , ee With flys headlong. ste you would) py caiueesdnemd ts Ren rush in nese bey wisdom treads with fear And them spread infection as da and trembling. : : - Gregartons Silliness would cope with Sin ; Dis pune teem ae ap at ag ut = ss what comes of such "Twere well to scourge them thither, What if, free, [nation f Cackle, and cant, ard chaos! Necdless| They carry foul contagion thrvugh—a " Thames of fellow-creatures flung from wor At the mere pen-stroke of a hasty censor !— An unconsidered trifle Zeal may shirk ! But Sense may not, nor Justice! They are denser [band, a Than Punch imagines, our new Bumble- If Mistress Pry’s decision they abide noise, Meddlin and mischief and sheer mora

muddle! Reformers must not act like gutter-boys | Who — up mud, stir each malodorous | 20. ies , Life's purlieus are defiled ; will it avail | To grub and rake ia reeking slum an -“y Until the font infection loads the gale, Bat should they fail us, Punch rots : : : the Jand —<—e talks boldly in the high- Will —_ the People prudes and prigs are tri r! Prow.iva Pry, your purview is too small ; ‘ —— i Petticoat-government, ProwLina Pry, Life is not plumbed by microscopic peeping, L " J ' And Nature is too large for nursery-thrall. Of this peculiar sort will scarcely suit us. The globe is not in Mrs. Gruwpy's | Such cases clear collective sense must try, keeping. Not a she-Daraco or alady-Bavivs. _ Clear sense, and not lop-sided sentiment, | To sweeten our poor world we all may strive, Must front Society’ lexi zzles ; But life’s not one long Puritanic Sunday ; Humanity, when eel nae —y i And the great World while manhood is alive, Shall not be wholly swayed by Mrs. Guunpy.

n Partington policies of mops and muzzles. Humanity is a most complex thing, Prowtrwa Pry Society's festering ills ; Not simple as a gag «r feeding bottle. Will not be healed by your pragmatic | You, lest it stray, would rob it of its wing. plaster. : J Lest it feed ill would simply close its| Tare-rooting that the growing corn-crop kills throttle, | Was not the plan or counsel of the Master.

You with rash hand would wield the whip of He raised but once in siioms indignation. Heed the great lesson that the fact afford, And leave our woes to Wisdom’s mild pur- gation.

TO A VENETIAN POLICEMAN. (The guardia municipale of Venice is now dressed like the London policeman.) a - afternoon wpen inet you burst Jpon my quite i eyes, 1S oened is Lanien : you are too Confusing in thst strange disguis. The very clothes of blue! It’s true In black kid gloves you are arrayed, No truncheon at your side you bide, A sword is openly displayed. That vile black helmet yet you get, Most dismal head-dress ever ned, In Venice this! Where once doge, dance, Dame, doctor, all were gay and grand In that prosaic dress! Oh, bless The man, why wear such awful things ? In Venice long ago, we know, ‘The costermongers looked like kings. Italians love what ’s new, to you Suit buildings all, de haut en bas, Restored and new—how bad and sad ! But you 're a still worse noritd, A peeler pacing here—how queer ! A copper checking crimes and larks, When gleams on lone lagoon the moon ! A bobby’s beat beside St. Mark’s ! By A Bresenwneap Man. — The Lever though strong, could not quite lift the Liberal minority into power, but it brought the Con- servative majority down to its Lees!

Page 266

eal Puriirpson, wearing a holland blouse over her evening toilette, approaches from the other end of the passage ; he does not recognise | } } | one of themselves ? | itself. | it’s so long since I ’ve seen it! | we'd fallen out; and never gota | word back ! | how I’d worried myself, | ought to have been the bull-dog. mean ? her until the moment of collision.) Emma!! It’s never you! How do you come to be here ? Phillipson (to herself). Then it was my Jem after all! (Alond, distantly her maid. I’m here in attendance on Lady Maistre Mutt, being If I was at all curious—which I’m not—I might ask you what you're doing in such a house as this; and in evening dress, if you please : Spurr. 1'm in evening dress, Emma, such as it is (not that I’ve any right to find fault with it); but I’m in evening dress (with dignity) because I’ve been included in the dinner party here, Phill. You must have been get- ting on since J knew you. en you were studying to be a horse- doctor. Spurr. 1 have got on. a qualified M.R.C.V.8. *hill. And does that qualify you to dine with bishons and countesses and baronets and the gentry, like l am now Spurr. | don’t say it does, in It was my Andromeda that did the trick, Karma. Phill, Andromeda? Thev were talking of that downstairs. What’s made you take to scribbling, James? Spurr. Scribbling ? how do you My handwriting’s easy enough to read, as you ought to know very well. Phill. You can’t expect me to remember what your writing ’s like; Spurr. Come, I like that! When I wrote twice to say I was sorry Phill. lf you’d written to the addresses | gave you abroad—— Spurr. Then you did write; but none of the letters reached me. never even knew you’d gone abroad. I wrote to the old p e And so did you, I suppose, not knowing I’d moved my lodgings too, so naturally But what does it all matter so long as we've met and it’s all right between us ? Oh, my dear girl, if you only knew i thinking you were—— Well, all that ’s gone!... Confound it, there’s over now, isn’t it ? / ; [He attempts to embrace her. | the butler and a page-boy coming! It’s no use staying up here Phill. (repulsing him). Not quite so fast, James. Before I say | any longer. (70 himself, as he goes downstairs.) It’s ownright whether we're to be as we were or not, I want to know a little more about you. You wouldn't be here like this if you hadn’t done something to distinguish yourself. Spurr. Well, I don’t say I mayn’t have got a certain amount of what they call “kudos,” owing to Andromeda, But what difference does that make ? Phill, Tell me, James, is it you that’s been writing a pink book | all over silver cutlets ? . Me’ Write a book—about ecutlets—or anything else! Emma, you don’t suppose I’ve quite come to that! Andromeda’s the name of my bull-dog. I took first prize with her; there were portraits of both of us in one of the papers. And the people here were very much taken with the dog, and—and so they asked me to dine with them. That’s how it was. | Phill. 1 should have thought, if they asked one of you to dine, it | Spurr, Spurr. Now what's the good of saying extravagant things of that -~ P Not that old Drummy couldn't be trusted to behave any- where Phill, Better than her master, I daresay, Jh goin, on with some Lady Reon, or other! 4 oe ” 196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 27, 1894. Spurr. Oh, the girl I sat next to at dinner? Nice chatty sort of LYRE AND LANCET. girl ; seems fond of quadrupeds—— (A Story in Scenes. ) Phill. Especially two-legged ones! You see I’ve been told all PART XVIL—A BOMB SHELL. about it ! : ' , he Spurr. I assure you I didn’t go a step beyond the most ordinary Scere XXVI.—A Cm near the Verney Chamber. dvility. You're not going to be jealous because I promised I'd give True—About 10.30 P.m. her a liniment for one of her dogs, are you ? Spurrel himself). | must say it’s rather rough luck on that Pill. Liniment! You always were a flirt, James! But I’m not poor devil. I get his dress suit, and all he gets is my booby-trap! | jealous. I’ve met a very nice-spoken young man while I’ve been friends andme. If you’re fit com- | ny for them, you’re too grand ui Ff or one of their maids. “You might begin with this -such a dear little piece!” | favour of you. here; he sat mext to me at supper, and paid me the most beautiful compliments, and was most polite and attentive—though he hasn't got as far as liniment, at present. : Spurr. But, Ewa, you’re not going to take up with some other fellow just when we ’ve come together in ? Phill. lf you call it “‘ coming together,” when I’m down in the Housekeeper s Room, and you're up above, carrying on with ladies of title! Spurr. Do you want to drive me frantic? As if I could help being where 1 am! How could I know you were here ? Phill. At all events you know now, James. Andit’s for you to choose between your smart lady- Spurr. My dear girl, don’t be unreasonable! I’m expected back in the Drawing Room, and I can’t throw ’em over now all of a sudden without giving offence. There’s the interests of the firm to con- sider, and it’s not for me to take a lower place than I’m given. But it’s only for a night or two, and you don't really suppose I wouldn't rather be where you are if I was free to choose —but I’m not, Emma, that ’s the worst of it! Phill. Well, go back to the Draw- ii ing Room, then; don’t keep Lady |, Raopa waiting for her liniment on my aceount. I ought to be in my ladies’ rooms by this time. Only don’t be surprised if, whenever || you are free to choose, you find ! | you’ve come back just too late— | ml that’s all! [She turns to leave him. Spurr. (detaining her). Emma, I won't let you go like this! Not | before you’ve told me where I can meet you again here. Phill, ere’s no place that | know of—except the Housekeeper’s toom ; and of course you couldn’t descend so low as that.... JAMES, there’s somebody coming! Let go my hand—do you want to lose me my character! [Steps and voices are heard at the other end of the passage ; she frees herself, and escapes. Spurr. (attempting to follow). But, Emma, stop one—— She’s torture—that’s what itis! To be tied by the leg in the Drawing- Room, doing the civil to a lot of girls I don’t care a blow about; and to know that all the time some blarneying beggar downstairs is doing his best to rob me of my Emma! Flesh and blood can’t stand it; and yet I’m blest if I see any way out of it without offending ’em all round. [ He enters the Chinese Drawing- Room. Scene XXVII.—The Chinese Drawing Room. Miss Spelwane, At last, Mr. Spurrert! We began to think you meant to keep away altogether. Has anybody told you why you’ve been waited for so impatiently ? Spurr. (looking round the circle of chairs apprehensively). No, 1s it family prayers, or what? Er—are they over? Miss Spelw. No, no; nothing of that Can’t you guess! Mr. Spvreect, I’m going to be very bold, and ask a great, great I don’t know why they chose me to represent them ; I told Lady Lutureton I was afraid my entreaties would have no weight ; but if you only would—— Spurr. (to himself ), They’re at it again! How many more of ’em want apup! (Aloud.) Sorry to be disobliging, but—— Miss Spelw. (joining her hands in supplication), Not if I implore ~~ a4

Page 267

: OcropeR 27, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 197 a = you? Oh, Mr. Spvrrexy, I’ve quite set my heart on hearing you read aloud to us. Are you really cruel pon | to refuse ? Spurr. Read aloud! Is that what you want me to do? But [’m no particular hand at it. I don’t know that I’ve ever read aloud om a bit out of the paper now and then—since I was a boy at school ! Lady Cantrre. What’s that I hear? Mr. Srvurrect professing | incapacity to read aloud? Sheer affeetation! Come, Mr. SpuRRELL, | am much mistaken if you are wanting in the power to thrill all hearts here. Think of us as instruments ready to respond to your touch. Play upon us as you will; but don’t be so ungracious as to | raise any farther obstacles. | Spurr. (restgnedly), Oh, very well, if I’m required to read, J’m Murmurs of satisfaction. r. SPURRELL is going to ’tmind just—— Lord Lur- | agreeable. Lady Cant. Hush, please, everybody ! read. My dear Dr. Ropwey, if you wou I 1 LINGTON, can you hear where you are? Where are you going to sit, Mr. SpurreELL? In the centre will be best. Will somebody move that lamp a little, so as to give him more light ? Spurr. (to himself, as he sits down). I wonder what we’re supposed to be playing at! (Aloud.) Well, what am I to read, eh? Miss Spelw. { placing an open copy of ** Andromeda” in his hands with a charming air of deferential dictation). You might begin with this—such a dear little piece! I’m dying to hear you read it: Spurr. (as he takes the book). I’ll do the best I can! at the page in dismay.) y, look here, it’s Poetry! I didn’t bargain for that. Poetry’s alt er out of my line! (Miss Srex- WANE opens her eyes to their fullest extent, and retires a few paces from him; he turns over the leaves backwards until he arrives at the title-page.) | say, this is rather curious! Who the dickins is Crarion Brarr? (Zhe company look at one another with raised eyebrows and dropped underlips.) Because I never heard of him; but he seems to have been writing poetry about my bull-dog. Miss Spelw. ( faintly). a = your bull-dog! Spurr. Yes, the one you’ve al praising up so. If it isn’t meant for her, it’s what you might call a most surprising coincidence, for here’s the old dog’s name as plain as it can be—Andromeda ! { Tableau. “LIVING PICTURES.” Tur Downey ones, meaning thereby the photographers W. & D. “of that ilk,” have Ram meow some cnealied photographic portraits intheir fifth series recently published. Tur Czarnevicn and The | Right Hon. Henry Craptin, M.P., two sporting names well brought together, and both capital like- ae nesses, though the Baron fancies that Tue Czarevicn has the best of it, for secret and silent as Mr. CHapLin is as a politician, yet did he never manage to keep so dark as he is represented in this picture. Here, too, is Mr. Cuartes Santiey -- *‘ Charles our friend”’—looking like a mere boy with ‘‘ a singing face,” where ** Nature, smiling, gave the win- ning grace.’ Mr. Sypney Grounpy, endimanché, is too beautiful for words. But the - of Mrs. Bancrort, wear- ing (in ition to a trimmed fur cloak) a wonderful kind of ‘‘ Fellah! don’t-know- yar-fellah!” ex ion, at once surprised. pained, and h does not at all represent the “little Mrs. B.” whom the public knows . and loves. ‘‘ How doth the little busy Mrs. B. = delight to bark and bite” might have been | > under this portrait, and Dowxey must be, moreDowney another time, and give usa more characteristic Sag ox oy of this ay : comédienne. e Right Hon. Antuur J. BaLrour is the best of all. Capital. Just the man: “‘ frosty but kindly.” Then there is a first rate portrait of Miss Fanny Brovon, and after her comes the King of Saxony!! O Apert of Saxony! alter Miss Fanny Broven!! What ’ll Queenie Caro.ine say? —— Messrs. Dowwey, by kind permission of Cassett & Co., will exp ain. “I'm coming to take you aa Barrie wit Bacrti1.—Dr. Kovx has been successful against the Diphtheria Bacillus. He can afford to look on at any number of Bacilli and exclaim, ‘Bah! silly!” Unless he pronounces Latin | Would signify that they were lifeless and harmless. ‘‘ Bravo Rovx!” more Italiano, and then he would say “ Bah! chilly!” Which (He looks |] UR ALL-ROUND STOCK-EXCHANGERS’ COMPANY. NPARALLELED PROFITS TO EVERYBODY! aE Aid -ROUED COMPANY PERFORMS IMPOSSIBILI- HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY ARE SQUARE DEALERS!!! YRY OUR NEW G STOCK. HE G IS A KEGULAR GALLOPER. HE G CAN CANTER; UT THE ALL-ROUND COMPANY CAN’T CANT. HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY ARE SHEKEL-SCOOPERS, HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY must be Triep at once, r i SENTENCE will be Harp Casn vor Lire wirnovut axy ,ABOUR. HE G STOCK FOR BREAKFAST. HE G STOCK FOR BILIOUS HEADACHES. HE G STOCK FOR BEANFEASTS, HE NEW G STOCK FOR THE NEW G WO-MAN. B* OUR COVER SYSTEM we have never yet drawn blank. Surprise profits are made by all Investors who trust us with their balances, so that a swinging amount always stands to their credit. We have never yet received a check, Our Customers come to Order, but they never go to Law. In June, 1893, we received information about Grand Post Defs. and Tympanum Prefs., and a Bull-dozing Operation was decided on. As a consequence we wer: able to oes all Subscribers with a £50 dumb-bell apiece, which has made them strong enough to more a Market. HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY’S PEBBLE-BEECHED POP- LAR HOAX DEAL. Everyone should therefore LANK DOWN HIS mOanY é epmeded HIS SCRUPLES OVER-BOARD. Y our New Pvurcuase System all OMMISSIONS ARE ABOLISHED. HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY pears in LARGE BLOCKS, HE ALL ROUND COMPANY BLOCK-HEADS THE LIST, HE ALL-ROUND COMPANY TELLS YOU LJ OW TO WATCH A STOCK OW TO STRIKE A TIME-BARGAIN, F YOU DON’T LIKE G STOCK BUY B STOCK. ~— BUSY B BUZZES! USH A-BUY B STOCK!! I AST YEAR we recommended all bonneted widows to buy B's. _4 The result is that they now wear poke-bonnets, and own pigs. They are also in clover. | STOCK FOR EVER!!! THE H CANNOT DROP. H STOCK FOR AMPSTEAD! H STOCK FOR IGHGATE! H STOCK FOR OLLOWAY! H STOCK FOR HISLINGTON! H STOCK FOR THE OUSE! Customers who deal with THE ALL-ROUND COMPANY HAVE NEVER FAILED TWICE. WE CAN SHOW YOU HOW YOU’RE DONE ON APPLICATION TO QO ALL-ROUND OOS | Panesar COMPANY, 4.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. te [Ocrosmr 27, 1894, — | 4 AWKWARDLY Hostess, “Tuts 1s Goop or you, Masor Garey! he! A ; a ‘ a. ° i a Se Z TT?) } xX ra AA U "y \ "~ \ (A Cosy Corner in a Country House.) Wuew I wrore I NEVER _EXPECTED FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU WOULD comE!” Fe EXPRESSED. “ WINDING ’EM UP.” [“If he believed that the majority of the Liberal-Unionist party, or indeed any considerable section of them, held the opinion which was expressed by this writer in the Times, he, for one, would at once resign the responsible position which he held, and would claim to take up a more inde- pendent position, because he was certain that their efforts would be fruitless, and that they would not succeed in defeating the policy of Home Rule if they were to accept the negative position which had been suggested to them.” — Mr. Chamberlain at Durham. } Showman Joe soliloquiseth :— Waxworns indeed! Hah! I’ve took over the management of ’em, and I suppose, as Misther Thieary said, I must “‘ make the betht of ‘em, not the wurtht.” But I’m a bit tired of the job —sometimes. Wish I could fel Mrs. Jarley’s pride in the whole bag o’ tricks! ’Ave to purtend to, of course. Can't ery creaky waxworks any more than you can stinking fish. But a more rusty, sluggish, wheezy, wobbly, jerky, uncertain, stick-fast, stodgy, unwillin’ lot o’ wax figgers I never did —— Well, there, it tries a conscience of injy-rubber to crack ’em up and patter of ‘em into poppylarity, blowed if it don't! Kim up, Dook! Dashed if ’e don’t look as if ’e fancied hisself the Sleepin’ Beauty, and wanted to forty-wink it for another centry. | Look at the flabby flop of ’im! Jest as though ’e wouldn’t move if ‘is nose wos a meltin’. Large as life, and twice asnateral? Wy, a kid's Guy Fox on the fifth o’ November ’ud give ’im hodds, and lick "is ‘ead orf—heasy! Bin a-ileing ’is works this ever so long, and still ’e moves as if ‘is wittles wos sand-paper, and ’is drink witrol. Kim up! As to the Markis, well, ’e’s a bit older, but dashed if ’e don’t move livelier—when ’e «s on the shift. At the present moment ’owever, utter confloption is a eycle-sprinter to’im. As if a pair o’ niddity-noddities in “* negative” positions was likely to fetch ’em in front in these days! Yah! ‘Should like to keep the Old Show a-runnin’, too,—leastways until I can start a bran-new one of my very own. Won't ran to it yet, I’m afraid. Oh, to boss a big booth-full all to myself! I’d show ‘em! This Combination Show—old stock-in-trade of one company, and cast-offs from another—ain't the best o’ bisness arter all, But I | must keep ’em Sagethes asa going concern till I can run a star com- pany of my own choosing. ‘Ere, ’and us that ile-can again! Talk chews rust ead siatosto! met arting about to up? en I must get ’em in working | horder somehow ! "Ang this Dook ! Can't git anythink nateral out | of ‘im—'cept a yawn. That 'e does as like as life. Kim up old| | give me a free ’and at the crank J shall turn the whole thing up nose-o’-wax and don’t nod yerself into nothingness! ’Ow much more ile do yer rusty old innards want to stop their clogging and creaking’ Proprietors beginning to pull long faces at my pace? ‘Int that I'll shake the machinery to smithereens by too much haction? | Well, 1 am blowed! y, they’d slow down a sick snail, and ‘andicap a old tortus, they would’ Tell yer wot it is, if they don't 80 there! Some nameless, nidnoddy, negative old crocks ’ave hin a-earwigging ’em, that’s wot’s the matter. But I give ’em the straight tip, if they lend a ear to them slow-going stick-in-the-muds, I shall jest resign my responserble persition, and take up a hinde- pendent one—jine the Opposition Show, or p’r'aps start one o’ my own, and then where will they be, I wonder? Cling-cling! Curting rising? Well, ’ere goes once more then! (Winding hard and addressing audience). ‘* Ladies and gen'l’men! The Himperial and Royal Grand Unionist Combination Waxworks Show is about to start for the season! Largest and most life-like set o” wax figgers ever exhibited to a hadmiring public!! As 1 wind you will perceive hunmistakeable signs of hanimation in ’is Grace the Nobble Dook ; arter wich, with your kyind permission, I shall take a turn at the Illustrous Markis! !! WHERE ARE YOU GOING, REVOLTING MAID? (New Song to an Old Tune, for the New Woman.) [The Quarterly Review says that man will not marry the New Woman, which must be the final blow to her ambition.] ‘ WHERE are you going, Revolting Maid?” ** As far as I may, fair Sir,” she said. ** Shall I go with you, Revolting Maid?” — ** You may follow—behind me, Sir!” she said. ** What is your object, Revolting Maid ? ” ** Emancipation, Sir!” she said. “ Will you marry, Revolting Maid ?” ‘ ** Perhaps—on my own terms, Sir!” she said. ** And what may those terms be, Revolting Maid ?”’ ** Absolute Liberty, Sir!” she said. “Then J shan’t wed you, Revolting Maid!” ** Did anyone ask you, Sir?” she said. Trttz ror New Lowpon Japanese Journal (WEEKLY).—“ The Happy Dispatch, edited by Hant Kant.”

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Octoper 27, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201 THE SONC OF THE LEADERS. * WueEn the much-enduring Dockers, In the city of the Smoke-Cloud. By the banks of the Tems-Ri-Va, | Struck to gain a sti . Lead them on did BurnsiwaTHa. And the ruler of these matters, Who is called the Bry-Tish-Pu- Blyck, | Took the side of dock-gate casuals, | Of the somewhat lordly stevedore, And — the proud Dy-Reck as That they soon met yield to reason ; | Gave its s in 8, yo its inte mf me a strike-fund ; | So the proud Dy-Reck-Tas yielded, | | But when many moonshad vanished, | Came the rather wild Kerr-Har-D1, Came Tom-Manw the earnest minded, Talked of “‘ Independent Labour,” Soundly rated BuRNSIWATHA And all useful Labour-Members. Then the strong man, Bugnst- | WATHA, | Hurled their language back with interest, With the breathing of his nostrils, | With the pagen of his anger, Hurled it on his assailants, Said Tom-Manwn was feather-headed, | Said the rather wild Kerr-Har-Dr Was no better than a ‘‘ bounder.”’ And the Independent Lab’rers, Not to be outdone in scolding, Seandalised poor BuRNSIWATHA, Said they thought him quite conceited, Called him ‘‘ Boss,” likewise ‘* Bull- dozing.” And the Bry-Tish-Pa-Blyck won- dered At the manners of these leaders, At the Unionists’ disunion. ‘Go, my sons,” it said, “* instanter, Go back to your homes and people ; Slay all ravening labour-sweaters, All the Kum-Panies, the giants, All the serpents, the Emp-Loias; But, for goodness’ sake have done with Petty piques and jealous slangings ; Or, next time you ask for coppers For the holy cause of Labour, You will find these coppers wanting!” | | | STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. BAYARD AND BOBBY. Ou, Roseat, in our hours of ease Butt of those outworn pleasantries, Not less with pride thy praise we hear Hymned in another hemisphere, | When Bayarp, chivalrously graphic, | Tells how you regulate the traffic, oa as C statue on its linth . |’Midst the vertiginous labyrint | Of circus, street and bridge you stand, And rule the storm with calm, un- arméd hand. Rarely our soldiers of the law Do is’ awful truncheon draw, Their Orphic whistle subdue can | All save the crew of Hooxican. Though western JonaTHAn prefer A force not vainly claviger, Yet Bayarp, taught in English ways, t suaver regiment must praise That trusts to moral weight and nerve And keeps the bludgeon in reserve. | Stalwart and patient midst the strife Of all our seething city life, When pageants twice or thrice a year Throw the whole Empire out of gear, Then, stolid symbol of good sense, | A wonder-worker, sans pretence, Fulfill’st authority's decrees, | With thy familiar ‘* Stand back, please!” | And rather by that sober charm | | Than by the might of brawny arm, The many-headed own thy sway ; They laugh, they jostle, and obey. | Worthy thy deeds of loftier rhyme, Than topic-song or pantomime. Not quite sublime, but on the border, | Type of our British law and order, y figure shall be graved upon The frieze of some new Parthenon, Wherein by glyphic art portray’d Reigns the ideal parlour-maid | Thy dauntless soul’s domestic jure | Trim, natty, roguish, and demure, Waiting the age’s unborn Layrarp To illustrate the praise of Bararp., Query tn THE Country,— New |agricultural version of an ancient cockney slang phrase—‘‘ Has your farmer sold his mangel ?”’ Apvice To ANY Dramatic AvTHoR | WHO HAS WRITTEN A Lenoruy Piece. Tae CHICK-A-LEARY CocBIN. | —** Cut, and run.” THE TALE OF A VOTE. Bepap, ’twas meself was as plaised as could be When they tould me the vote had bin given to me. ‘St. Pathrick,” ses Oi, ‘* Oi’m a gintleman too, An’ Oi’ll doine ivry day off a grand Oirish stew.” The words was scarce seen slippin’ off of me tongue W hen who but the Colonel comes walkin’ along ! Begorrah, ’tis callin’ he’s afther, the bhoy, Oi’m a gintleman now wid a vingeance,” ses Oi. The Colonel come in wid an affable air, An’ he sat down quite natteral-loike in a chair. ‘So, Rory,” ses he, **’tis a vote ye’ve got now ?” *That’s thrue though ye ses it,” ses Oi, wid a bow. ** Deloighted !”’ ses he, “*’tis meself that is g'ad, For shure ye’re disarvin’ it, Roxy me lad. An’ how are ye goin’ to use it ?”’ ses he, ** Ye could scarcely do betther than give it to me.” Oi stared at the Colonel, amazed wid surprise. ‘Dye think that Oi’ve waited ontil Oi am gray, An’ now Oi’m jist goin’ to give it away?” The Colonel he chuckled, an ‘‘ Rory,” ses he, Bat “* No, Sorr,” Oi answers, “* ye don’t diddle me.” What! Give it away, Sorr ?—Me vote, Sorr?”’ (i cries. Thin he hum’d an’ he haw’d, an’ he started agin, But he’d met wid his equal in Rory O’F yyy. Thin the smoile died away, an’ a frown come instead, But for all that he tould me, Oi jist shook me head, An’ he gnawed his moustache, an’ he cursed an’ he swore, Bat the more that he argued, Oi shook it the more. Thin he called me a dolt an’ an ignorant fool, An’ he said that Oi ought to go back to the school, An’ he flew in a rage an’ wint black in the face, An’ he flung in a hullaballoo from the place. Bedad, Oi was startled. Him beggin’ me vote, An’ he’d three of his own too!—The gradiness ot! Ye could scarcely belave it onless it was thrue, An’ him sittin’ oop for a gintleman too! Was it betther he thought he could use it than Oi ? Begorrah, Oi’ll show he’s mistaken, me bhoy. Oi ll hang it over me man » shelf, For now that O1’ve got it, Oi’ll kape it meeelf. Tue Zovver Zex.—‘‘ Wha’ be the Zider Zee?” repeated a Devonian farmer. “ Why, I always thought as the Zee of Exeter = the Zider Zee. Ain’t it ooalty untry 7” well in the middle o’ Zider

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Ocrosgr 27, 1894.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 203 MAYENNAISE VERSUS MAYONNAISE. Vide last Number of “ Punch.’") Dear Punch, your praise Of Mayonnaise Is certainly most telling : But don’t it seem That suchatheme _ Deserves the proper spelling ? I sometimes look At a cookery book By A. Dumas, the younger ; And find he says That Mayennaise (A certain cure for hunger) Should be spelt so ; Not with an o, . But like Mayenne, that city, Whose siege’s fame Supplied the name ' Mis-spelt now; more ’s the pity Maybe D’s right, Although it might Be just a yarn he’s telling. So hope your bard Won't be too hard And simply ** D” my spelling. ’Tornen Way Asovut.— Mr. Le GALLIENNE says, epigram- matically, that ‘* Beauty is the smile on the face of Power.” Humph! Gallant Mr. Punch prefers to put it the other way, and say ‘* Power is the smile on the face of Beauty!” Surely that is equally true. But it’s a poor rule oe x) that won't work both ways. Morro most PRACTICAL FOR ALL WHO ARE COMPELLED TO TRAVEL CONSTANTLY IN OUR Merropo.itan Pustic Convey- ances.—‘‘ In Omnibus Caritas.” IH Ail —— > | ' MN iq in} TTT mi OUR DECADENTS. Algy. ‘‘ Wat's THE MATTER, WELL!” (Hi t | VERSE AND CHORAL SUMMING-UP [Of a recently protracted discus- sion in the Times on “ Anglican Orders,” set to the air of what was onee upon a time a popular song, entitled Billy Barlow\. | OF my re-appearance, My friends, don’t complain, I’ve turned up before, I shall turn up again! We are whtre we were When we started, and so For awhile bid good-bye To your WituiaM Bartow. Odear! Lackaday oh! What a puzzling old party was Bishop Bartow! Two ‘‘ General” Favourites. Tue one, Sir Bos Rer, Q.C., M.P., “to be Attorney-Gene- }ral’’; the other, Franx Locx- | woop, Q.C., M.P., ** to be Solici- tor-General.” Kerp and Right. | Commercial value, one ** Bob” jand a ** Frank,” te, One-and- | tenpence the pair. Forvre Fame,— Mr, T. E. Ex.is, M.P., ‘speaking at Col- -noo \ ae wyn Bay” (unkind of him, this, ’ for what has Colwyn Bay done to ' NNN him? Why not address Colwyn —u yay Bay personally instead of “4 Sager ** speaking at’’ C, B.), spoke at ——— the same time ‘‘at”’ the House of Lords. ‘* Were the wishes of the people to be continuall thwarted by an hereditary an irresponsible Chamber?” |That’s the style! Twopence Ancuiz? You’re wor Looxtine | coloured. Henceforth Mr. T. E. Etuis, from being Nobody in / Archie. ‘‘ You WOULDN’T LOOK WELL, IF YOU'D BEEN SUFFERING particular will now be known as FROM INSOMNIA EVERY AFTERNOON FOR A WEEK!” * Somebody Ev.” “ He saw the greatest quail before him,” —Treasure Island always words” the romancers, it may be safely said that, Chapter XX1X. inclusive, the situations are as exciting as any ever | invented by Ripek Hagearp, Lovis B, STEPHENSON, or JULES Verne; “which” the Baron freel OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. “Now that,” quoth the Baron emphatically, 2 Lady Rotha in favour of the next novelty, whatever it might be, is a romance after my own heart. Mr, Stantey WeymMan, author of A Gentleman of France and Under the Red Robe, has not as yet, | his opinion—oh dear no! far from that. Bat the Bishop thioks as he deposed M, — thet Controversy because he found himself opposed to his Bishop. } POSSIBLE DEVELOPMENTS. [On hearing that an Archdeacon had withdrawn from the School-Board “ Tue Archdeacon is ‘‘ sorry he spoke.” Not that he has changed excellent as were both those| otherwise, so the Archdeacon retires as gracefully as may be from citing, and so all-engrossing no further participlesor adjec- tives wanted at present) as My Lady Rotha.”’ This ro- » mancer has the rare talent of interesting his reader as much in the action of his crowds as he does in the fortunes of his individuals. He is the Sir Joun Gitpert of the pen; and the Baron cautiously expresses his opinion that My | Rotha is not so very far Ivanhoe. To compare with works of other modern y admits, “*is saying a good deal, The Baron antici ** Next please,” with pleasure, but at the same time he would draw the attention of the prolific author to the ancient proverb ** festina lente,” which is not at variance with his rn ‘On! STayLey Wermay) on!” and (for the present on this subject) of the these are ‘the last Bazon pE Boox- Worms. work+, written anything s0/|the controversy. He is, he explains, as it were, the Bishop's powerful, so artistic, so ex-|‘*oculus”—the man to whom the Bishop can proudly point, and sa |All my eye!” This theory of subordination of thought to one’s superior highly emaneeieve, For instance, who will be surprised to — the following highly authentic document, now made public for the first time. To the Editor of the Once a-Month Review. Dear Sie,—With reference to my article ‘‘Is Horse-racing Justitiable?”’ I desire to make known that while I still strongly adhere to my views therein expressed as to the wickedness of the turf, I shall, for the reason I am about to mention, take no further active part in the controversy. I find that the Pare Mryisrer is the owner of some racehorses (a fact previously unknown to me), and as I am his “‘dextera,” if it is not presumptive to say so, it would clearly be un ing on my part to take up any antagonistic position. However much I may regret having to take this course, I from Chapter XXVI. to | #m sure you will agree with mo that is is tho only one whieh is open to me. Yours faithfully, W-11-am V-ny-y H-nxo-vrr, Dear Mr. Poncu,—Last Sunday evening I fully intended going to church. I put on my most attractive bonnet, and an ‘absol atel bewitching jacket, when I discovered that Jim (he’s my hus on know! Gi nas intend t out. As I had read a little while ore the new idi theory of o », that of prevented my going out. Clearly as I am Jim's “ better-half” I couldn’t f° anywhere that he didn’t go. Please, Mr. Punch, was I right ? can it be that the archdeacon was wrong Yours very perplexed, Erner Dinuere. Peng : ; : :

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204 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocropgr 27, 1894. | A PHALSE NOTE ON CEORCE THE FOURTH. | { Brown Study in a Yellow Book.) | | Nay, bat it is useless to protest. Much bosh and bauble-tit and pop-limbo has been talked about Georece THe Pwortn. THACKE RAY denunciated him in his charming style (we never find Taackeray searching for the mot juste as for a wisp of hay in a packet of | | | By Mortarthurio Whiskersley. | ' needles), but inverideed he was not sufficiently | merciful to the last gentlemanin Europe. We must not judge a prince too harshly. How| many temptations he had with all the wits and flutterpates and malaperts gyring and | gimbling round him! G rorGe was asportsman. He would spend the morning with his valet | (who was a hero to him), assuming gorgeous | apparel, and tricking himself, with sh and pigment, into more charm. He was implected with a passion for the pleasures of | the wardrobe, and had a Royal memory for | old coats. Then he would saunter into} Wurre’s for ale and tittle-tattle, and drive | a friend into the country, stopping on the | way for cursory visits at the taverns; 1| mean, swearing if the ale was not good. He| had his troubles. Queen CAROLINE was a/| mimsy, out-moded woman, a sly serio, who | gadded hither and thither shrieking for the | unbecoming. Mrs, Puox ensorcelled Groner | with her beautifal, silly phace, shadowed with | vermeil tinct and trimly pencilled. There) was no secernment between her soul and sur- | face; she was mere, insouciant, with a rare | dulvedo. Groroe collected locks of hair and what | not, and what not. He gave in his bright flamboyance a passing renascence to Society. But the Victorian era came soon, and angels rashed in where fools had not feared to/| having tread, and hung the land with «, and drove Artifice phorth, and ot Miaste _ PPER on a throne of mahogany to rule over them. In the tangled acerescency of Grorcr’s degringolade—in fact when he was dyeing— he thought he had led the charge of Water- loo! Tristfully he would describe the scene, referring to the Duke of Wettineron for corroboration. An unfortunate slip, for it is well known the old soldier was never there | himself. It is brillig. and from my window at the Métrepole, Brighton, I see the trite lawns and ¢ y minarets of the Pavilion. I can see the rooms crusted with ormolu, the fauns foisted on the ceiling, the ripping rident god- desses on the walls. Once I phancied I saw a swaying phigure, and a wine-red phace.... P.S.—I like to —y the watehful evil haces of my Criticks as they read this article. Phair men, but infelix, they will lavish their | anger in epigramme. Not that I care a} little tittle about adverse remarks kicked | from a gutter into a garret! But! But let them not outgribe too soon, but rather deneo| and be glad, and trip the cockawhoop. For! | For, slithy toves as they are, they will read | it with tears and desiderium, om he I do as did Antemcs of shameful memory, and in| tpg and glad indulgence whisper to| less sky! | them — Tus 1s a Goax! THE LAY OF THE VIGILANT. | I’vx a natural eye for evil, And folly I love to shoot, And to prod for a latent weevil In the wholesomest-looking root. My tpse dizit must always fix it— The song, the dance, the cup ; ; And my back gets stiffer the more you differ From the standard that I set up. 1 went to the “‘ halls” crusading. And I found what I meant to find. I had said they were all degrading, And I never alter my mind. In virtue strong I gazed at the throng Of smoking chatters and grinners ; With a righteous frown my soul looked down On the publicans and the sinners. Loftily, proudly, lonely I bore what 1 had to bear, For I knew that I was the only Respectable Person there ! That the others were not respectable Was easy and plain to see, For they frankly found delectable What didn't appeal to me. Yet none of the revellers stonily, Or scornfully seem'd to stare, They took no note of the only Respectable Person there. My vigilant virtue perchance may hurt you | By patting constructions worse on The pose or picture that draws no strictures | From the non-respectable person. But my earliest vigilance wakéd To look askance at the nude, As another name for naked, And therefore distinctly rude. From an icy peak of stupendous cheek On an alien world I are, And never feel lonely, although I'm the only | Respectable Person there ! Wonperrvt Frat or Sraencru.— The} strong man supporting four men on a chair | is aething in comparison with an entire train | ** held up” by four men ! | up a hill. |clear for Helvellyn. |of Switzerland and England MORBIDEZZA. Mors fleshliness is mark Of the modern (sham) Art-lover, Vulgar seems the soaring lark, Music (and meat) are in the plover. Painters once made pink the flesh Of their Titianesque creations ; Caught in Sham's sepulchral mesh Art now raves of Green Carnations! FIRST IMPRESSIONS. At Lugano, — Geographically this seems to be Italy. But ple remind always of the artificial fenlloe which Seabes it witzerland. What’s that matter ? Get up early. a! there it is, Cloud- And such a blue! Ultramarine at a guinea the thim- bleful. Hurry down 7 to enjoy its beauty Z as long as possible. Fortunate I did so, for by ten o'clock it has all vanished. Go View from 4 top would be fairly & But forItaly! Ami- ableand chatty Italian reminds me that I am not in Italy. Ah, of ; course not. Wil! get there as soon as I can. Meanwhile mope in hotel, for it is now rain- ing steadily. Not a magnificent mountain downpour, with thunder and lightning, howl- ing of wind, crashing of elements, alarums and excursions, and that sort of thing ; only a quiet, steady rain, which would be disliked even in Ambleside. But in Ambleside there would afire. Here I sit in a draughty, chilly corridor, with some melancholy Ger- mans, all of us wearing overcoats indoors. They remind me that I am not in Italy. Anyone could see that. At Pallanza.—Here on Lago Maggiore there must really be the RowsorHay effects. My room looks over the lake. ‘* la vista é bellissima,” says the waiter in the evening. Hooray! Now to forget the gloom Wake early. Misty morning. G sign of fine weather probably. Into bedagain. Wakeagain. Only half-past seven. Still misty. Into bed again. Wake once more. Still misty. Evidently quite early. Hullo! still half-past seven. Watch stopped. Ring. ‘* Si, Signore,’ says | the chambermaid, in the mixed dialect which she has invented for foreigners, ‘* 2 est dieci heures.” Ten! By Jove! With that fog? She assures me it will clear away, ‘se non | oggi, domant.” Bellissima vista looks exactly hike Derwentwater in rain. Grey water, grey sky, grey mountains, wreathed in grey mist. It does not clear to-day, so it may to-morrow. Next day even worse. Fog greyer, and rain with it. Mud everywhere. Notice a practical German tourist with three umbrellas strapped | on his knapsack. Wiseman! He knows this | This was reported | climate, and also the advantage of a change of | in the Pall Mall Gazette \ast Saturday as | clothes, or of umbrellas, fo useful to pave occurred to a *‘ Texas Pacific train.’ The armed robbers went off with 20,000dollars. Nice ** Pacific” train to travel by! Heretooms. — Mr. Punch congratulates Mr. and Mrs. Bexrsoum Tree, and their Olive Branch little Miss Ter, on the valu- able sourenirs of their Balmoral performance | pesented | by Hex rg which, om distinguish s partic _ Pomily Toes.” morning umbrella, an afternoon umbrella, an a sort 0 evening-dress umbrella to bring down to the table d’héte. When tired of gazing at | the mist, I read a three days old Times, pre- | served in the reading-room. Hullo! what is that sound? A piano-organ! Heavens! To ‘think that I should have travelled hundreds | of miles from London to hear the grinding | of an organ while I read the Zimes in a fog: Why, in Kensington Gardens I could have doneasmuch, A Frinst ImpPREssmonist.

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ems one ler ? SFIS / The value of ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” cannot be told. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocrosma 27, 1894. If you had all the KNOWLEDCE, HONOUR, WEALTH, cr the HIGHEST SOCIAL POSITION OF THIS WORLD at your command, you must be meastred by the HEART, which SHOULD BE HUMBLE, HONEST, and KIND, for this IS NOBILITY OF MAN! “The First Test of a pros | Great Man is his Humility."—RUSKIN. IS NICOTINE A SOUTH FRONT, OR ONLY JOYOUS AND ECSTATIC ? A KIND HEART AND A CAREWORN CABMAN, “The other night, getting into a cab after supper at the club, Irving gave the coachman a cigar. It was one of the best examples of Havannah tobacco that money could buy. ‘When he pulled up at Irving’s door,’ said Toole, who related the incident to me, ‘the driv. r, who was a poor, melancholy looking old chap at the beginning of our short journey, had become what East-enders call ‘‘a regular fop.” His hat was stuck on one side, he was sitting upright on his box, and he was smoking with a conscious air of enjoyment and superiority that delighted Irving. “‘ You like that cigar, eh?” said Irving. ‘Like it!” he replied, ‘it’s heavenly; never in all my life tasted anything like it—couldn’t ‘a dreamed of such tobacco—thank you, Sir,” and he puffed away as he spoke, while Irving, producing his big case, said, ‘‘ Well, I’m glad you like it, here’s another, smoke it at home after supper.” ‘‘ No, Sir, not me,” said the cabman. “ Thankee, Sir, it’s very kind, but I'll smoke iton my box if you please. Why, the very smell of such a weed as this in my house would be enough for the landlord, not simply to raise my rent, mind you, but to double it.” ’ ’—“ Cigarette Papers,” by J. Harrox, Newcastle Weekly Chronicle. ANTIDOTE. —In the Battle of Life use ENO'S “FRUIT SALT” It is an imperative hygienic need, or necessary adjunct. It keeps the blood pure, prevents and cures fevers and acute inflammatory diseases removes the injurious effects of stimulants, narcotics, such as alcohol, tobacco, tea, coffee, by natural means—thus restores the nervous system to its normal condition by preventing the great danger of poisoned bloo!, and over-cerebral activity, sleeplessness, irritability, worry, &c. A MERRY HEART GOES ALL THE DAY, A SAD ONE BUT AN HOUR, Gexerat. Dernessiox.—“ Those of our readers who are afflicted with liver troubles and suffer A their irritating and depressing effect on the temperament, should try A, NO ‘FRUIT oi It is Fewer commendable for this purpose, but it will also be found useful for other ordinary ailments, particularly when they result from over-cating, in excitement,” 1eNce Sirtines. Its success in | Europe, _Asia, Africa, America, and Australia proves it. CAUTION.—Examine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO’S «FRUIT SALT.” Without it you have been imposed on by a | worthless and occasionally poisonous imitation, Prepared only at ENO’S “FRUIT SALT”’ WORKS, LONDON, 58.E., by J. C. ENO’S PATENT. THE GORDON HOTELA CO., Li, | O. M.” | e have contracted with Mesers, J. Op Mar. SCHWE?PPE & CO, (Lia.) The finest type of DUBLIN OFr ALL DEALEMS, - at 51 Cvuniovus Exquisite x Models. Perfect Pit. Guaranteed Wear, Martell’s Sor the tire supply of their Celebrated MINE- WHISKY obtainable. PATENT DIAGONAL [pay WwATEns Over 50 years’ established | wn te CORSETS. (Soda Water, Potass, sane zg ———- nor tear th'the Vabric. "The | O*t#¢rs Lemonade, the Firat ia) Cases of 1 doz. bottles free most comfortable, egnet | 2c.) at all their Avenue ood to all Railway Stations on Made im White, islacks and | 2”glish and Metros ¢ receipt of 50s. oe Se, tonite Crewe | Continental Hotels, Lond ‘ ANDREWS & CO., Retin, ado alo which will « Brandy. DAME 8T., DUBLIN, Cloth, “ail at, cal sugulies Fole Proprietors of the bali the Prime Drapers © BCHWEP?I COG ators at % vi _POITLED ll mac. - O. M, Brand. Tunes vow Mepare cnited king > Autumn) of - oe 4 London Office— ) of @ presen ; ; tract, and where in the meantime 12, Joux Sreeer, Avecemt. REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND they can be oltained if specially ordered Beware of the patty offering \w T MACHIVEN & CAMERON’ s PENS LAURENT-PERRIER W@OPP “cee Sea Wize Carts ‘s CORDON HOTELS. Vinrta” ™ Siri lees. is Avenue, Holborn. eral Pier Heel Ryde, Prascati's. Gattis, And of all first-class Caterers in the United Kingdom. “ Superior nn» Wines of Italy.” N, EC. \ | S. MORDAN & CO.'S LEADS, POR REPLENISHING THE PATENT PENCIL. Tt fs most im nt to the public that they —— pay particular attention to this article, re none but those of the uine pom for the utility of the Pat upon being of an exact and proper size, othoerrion Shey 4 ee ng the point of the peneil, y, le! | * SANS-SUGRE.” The only natural high-class Brat Champagne absolutely Lot oh ~ om added Alcohol or Sugar, and of de icious flavo' Sold oe Wine “Mere hants, 84s. per dozen Quarts, ozen Vints. Bots Coxston rre— HERTZ & COLLINGWOOD, 4, SUSBEX PLACE, LONDON, EC Black Handle, 68.64, Ivory Handle, 7s, 64. A Pr., Ivory Handles, in Rus.leather case,21s. From all Perfumers snd Dealers. Who lesale + Own vane, Gannert, & Co, London, W. FULL DRESS CIGARETTES. THE CHOICEST CIGARETTES THAT EXPERIENCE CAN PRODUCE OR MONEY BUY. Manufactured by KINNEY BROS., New York, U.S.A. SOLD EVERYWHERE. In Packets of 20 and Boxes of 50 and 100. FLYING SCOTCHMAN PEN. THE INSTEAD OF A QUILI | “ The fastest pens we have ever used Sromreman (4. and 1s. per Box, at all Stationers | fample Hox of all kinds, Is. 14. by Post Waverley Works, EDINBURG H. WRIGHT Sui COAL’ TAR. SOAP -

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroven 27, 1894. ee NICOLL. OUTFITTER. LADIES’ TAILOR TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. 114 To 120, REGENT STREET, & 22, CORNHILL, LONDON. PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. 10, MOSLEY STREET, MANCHESTER. 39, NEW STREET, BIRMINGHAM, 50, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL. G EN a LE M E 4 N. Nrcou.’s world-famed Fur-Lingep Overcoats from £8 18s. 6d. These Coats are manufactured throughout at Messrs s Regent Street Establishment, they are thoroughly reliable in Fur, Cloth and make, and are less expensive than the foreign- made Far Coats generally sold. Unequalied in comfort for travelling, driving, and evening wear ; a large selection in stock, WINTER SUITINGS, COATINGS, OVERCOATINGS, and TROUSERINGS in the best makes. LADIES NICOLL’s tailor-made CosTUMES from: £5 hans 6d. Ripinc Hasirs from £5 5s. The largest selection of materials in London. SAVE YOUR LIVES BY TAKING FAR, FAR AND AWAY THE BEST “ EXCELLENT—OF GREAT VALUE.” Lancet, June 15, 1889. “| PEPTONIZED OWBRIDGE’S “manese | oe COCOA & MILK.| LUNG TONIC. THE MIGHTY HEALER. N.B.—No water Most Delicious, Nutritious, & requiring no digestive -ffort. | 3 Reo 6 peter cur Cees Sew Seow juired . . aad tm medicine, PS THE = Tims 2/G. Haif-Tins (Samples) 1/6. A Doak WiLL ‘etanve re. CLARKE’S “PYRAMID” SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. A DOSE AT BEDTIME WILL REMOVE 1. NURSERY-LAMP FOOD- - Bronchitis and Asthma t- relieves instantly, WARMER F ~~ The Spasms of Whooping Cough become les ” with each dose of the medicine. 3/6, 5i-, and 6/- each. | PAC K H A M ’ S WELCOME ALWAYS, |, 2 epered vy WF OW BRIDGE, Chemist, Hu. ] rinter ex "an s Sold in heotti ie. 1 AB with sughteed Fenatine. | KEEP IT HANDY. x all Chessists ond Fetene Medigine'V anders”? whee fo a0. Beanie or | TABLE WATERS GRANT'S MORELLA | TO SMOKERS. other Dengerous Material CHERRY BRANDY. FLOR DE DINDICUL, re re used in the manufacture o | : . “—_ . ' of exquisite favour and aroma. ‘* Connoisseurs these Lights AKE MADE WITH DELICIOUS—COMFORTING pronounce them better than Havannahs.”—Woaco, | SLaSEE's PreautD s Patz? riot co,iu,| DISTILLED WATER. | oMxry sotiocrsepuoewin | Sate ‘post iee 2 stamps. BEWIAT, CKICKLEWOOD, LONDON, N.W Manufactory, Croydon. 49 & 74, Strand, & 143, Cheapside, London, Est. 17s. | —_—— — | ———— T © Datty Conon ys of the issue of October 11: “It yell tion | ancien RIGOR TT Tree | TEs E INCREASING POPULARITY OF THE THE NEW SERIES OF THE PALL MALL BUDGET PALL MALL MAGAZINE has met with the most conspicuous success, and has been received with striking public favour. Its price remains unchanged, Sixpence, Weekly. | Is evidenced by the following statement, issued The special mo thly Coloured Supplements devoted to illu-trations of the Infantry and on the authority of the Publisher. svalry Dirigades of the Britich Army, which have been recently issued, were sold out on lite are in preparstion, amt the special mates to be comtinact monthly will be fouad of | The Wovember Wumber of the PALL MALL vereasing interest. Among the attractions tu be published during the autumn are MAGAZINE consists of an edition of _ Thres New Stories, by MR. RUDYARD KIPLING, 50,000 Copies y ° | RESPECTIVELY ENTITLED — a ae The Christmas (December) Humber of the Ill. LETTING IN THE JUNGLE. PALL MALL MAGAZINE, to be published on The first f these Stories, ‘The Miracle of Parun cel ty ears in the PALIT. MALL Monday, November 19th, 1894, of which full LUDAKT of OCTOBER 16th, iustraced y — a. particulars will be duly announced, will con- A New Novel, by JOHN OLIVER HOBBES, | *i** of «2 edition of : Author of ‘‘Some Emotions and a Moral,”’ 65,000 Copies. ENTITLED “THE GODS, SOME MORTALS, AND LORD WICKENHAM.” Although the Editions of the last six numbers | Will be commenced in the PALL MALL BUDGET in NOVEMBER. of the PALL MALL MAGAZINE have been Tus Supscairtion ro Tux Patt Matt Buvoer (1r onpeRep rrom THz Orrice), largely and regularly augmented, they have been mouupine Pusraon, 18 found inadequate to meet the public demand, | SNITED KiweDoM a3 weeks, . 444 ri = were TTT for each of the recent monthly issues has been ONE YEAR (ABROAD). . . . . 148 | exhausted immediately after publication. Early (A THIN EDITION If PUBLISHED FOR lee eas ABROAD.) is | siemens 6 pare a6 at application for copies of the November issue : payable tothe PALL MALL GAZETTE, ph Coutts ¢ Co.” necessary. Editorial and Publishing Offices: 18, CHARING CROSS ROAD, LONDON, W.C. Printed by M4 Ley af TL of No. cf Wessatrtare tn te ity of Leman, and pobiiched WY Mam Ek NO. 0h: Vines Dees, te tae Pecien or Be naae ey i Momare Bredbury, 4 gnew, oa A “a in te. PUBLISHED EVERY SAT

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1 Finely Printed Edition—strictly limited to 45 ‘ .&i > - 2) . Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. AEN SCTE ese 6 ° . eed < Se ais are 2 1 8) ee ee ee ee PT MA TTSS! Es ye fy TEX Rows §), PRICE THREE PENCE.

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON.

ICH OCOLAT MENIER cet

be returned. there will be no exception. Ga” NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of an tion. will not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this sale — m no ease

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C CHARIVARL —Novemner 3, NEW SCHEME rou THe RELIEF - TRUSTEES FAMILY TRUST Securing a Fixed Income for Surviving Relatives. POR PARTICULARS, APPLY TO THE STANDARD | LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. | ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Funds, 7] Millions Stg. Eompunon, 8, George Street (Head Office) Lowpos, 83, King William Street, E.C. 4, Pall Mall East, 8.W. Dust, 6 Upper Backs ile Street. Lranches 4 Ager os in ndia & the Col mies. THE BEST PROCURABLE. Lists Free. ge Free forcash with order, es. per doz. per 100. All other Nursery Stock carriage Jorward. NB .—Singl ne Pl ee fat slightly increased prices. CENERAL CATALOGUE | yo tly of Me rsery Stock, arts 4 d, comtainir 4 et { ‘of illustrations. vt valuat le information. 5 SMITH sce WORCESTER COLEMAN'S WINGARNIS, OR LIEBIG’S EXTRACT OF MEAT AND MALT WINE, Highest Award at the Chicago Exhibition. Scld Everrwhere, in Bottles, 2s. 94. and 4s. 64. er 2000 lestimonials received from Medical Men. SULE MANUFACTURERS COLEMAN & CO., Ltd., Norwich and London. INVESTMENT POLICIES, | FOR PLEASURE —_ PROFIT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS, Bus shes in variety. Packing and Clase. Clematis a from 16/-| _* 1894. SAVORY. and MOORE'S [noies. LUSITANIA ue | t-- 4 +000 — ves from Lond ondos loth January, for a TWO MONTHS’ Cyn be | ' bRIFre, BAK BADOPRS, TRixts CIA » MARTINIQE zh Nica, TAMAICA, ‘CUBA, NaBS SAU, BERae F PLEASURE CRUISE TO THE ~The ORIENT Comp - steamship ANY wa be -- RA tee | Wee electric light, electric belis het a .——- font a Saae JOSEPH SiLLOTT'S Of Highest Quality, and Having Greatest Durability, are Therefore CHEAPEST. | eal bath s, high class cuisine Managers Green & Co., Andersos A & Co fead Offices, Fenchurch Avenue + Por p e apply to the latter firm, at 5, Pe Avenue, E.C., or to the West-End Rranes 16, © ‘ock spur Street, 8.W BRIGHTON ORNAME NTS ADAPTED FOR THE . PATENT EVER-POINTED PENCIL. The Choicest Quality in the World. Sizes H, M, VS, W. COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, || s. MoRDAN & co, PURE CUMBERLAND LEAD (| Hotel MierRor ) The finest ani most luxurioy Beaside Hotel in the World *.TenTers sawp Maweractrcaras, LONDON Show Rooms: [12, REGENT ST., W. for all afflicted with TORTURING in a Single Application of B RACES. Coricrra W ,, Nore The genuine bears the Trade Mark ‘ACARIC.” £5 reward for information leadin a alle to conviction a of infringers on esavictlon. 9! are simply marvellous. é Or a1. Mosinee ap Sronts Evenywurar. Whole- | Sold throughout the world. Price: Cuticcr & Sons, 1, Kis 1g Edward Street, London, E.C. (Anson tne Srenroscoric Company.) INSTANT RELIEF nee me: SKIN DISEASES @ticura onxs Woxpers, and its cures of torturing, disfiguring, humiliating humours sale of the leading Hosiery and Drapery Houses. 2,3; Soar, 1/-; Resotvest, 2/3. F. Newnerr “ How to Cure Every Skin Disease,” post-free. |: THE BERLIN. —— | Sweet for Children, For Sore Throats} You cannot use a better} gargie than “ Condy’s.” Bir Morell Mackenzie, M.D Sold by all Chemists and Drug Stores A, PHOTOGRAPHIC COMPANY 1 Chemists, One Shilling, or A Will not harm a kitten but fatal tomoths. Of a . E. HICKSON, 19, Bentley &t., Bradford, Yorks. ANTI- Ore Gargle wits*Condy’s” 133 NEW BOND | — STREET LONDON W “Fine Art Photographs and Photogravures of Celebrated Pictures WY iLLusTRATED CATALOGUE o post rree | ® _ per | ii _ Regent Street.w oun and Blood Diseases, Pimples and The lovely nuar ° * Chata Sores of all kinds, we can with confidence imparted to Hair of as our by “sing RINE. § Q U I R E & § 0 N 8, | recommend Clarke's World-famed Blood - - 5 7” ie int et 4 = Ost ere pony wy Mixture. “It is certainly the finest Blood — j - Se Stair AMIN & Purifier that science and medical akill have brought to light.’ Thousands of Testimonials from all parts. Sold every- F R A | IN where, at 2. 9d. per bottle. Beware of worthless imitations or substitutes. A de ox rp ie e, m ade e ™ Strawberries FRANKS "a CO. @, Rese ™ cu ertcgaa Sy Sar aes GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR.) “°° oer, 2 eo Remedial Fluid. SQUIRE'S son CHEMICAL a In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 6d., & 6s. ea°> and of j lier Majesty's Chemist, 413, OXFOR D STREET, LON! | JOHN BE BRINSMEAD & goss ® | tron conneilane ‘tram nes, yt atemt ( = Are for Sale, Hi and on the Three te 30HN- “EKINSMEAD a 6088 1*, 20, and 2%, Wienoue Sraerr. ! EVERY BLADE BEARS THE CORPORATE MARK AS A CUARANTEE OF EXCELLENCE. PATENT SCREW-FAST KNIVES. MAPPIN & WEBB'S 2, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.€., ant 158 to 162, OXFORD STREET, LONDON, ©

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Seaside Hotel in the | Novewsur 3, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 PUNCH TO THE NEW ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Law is not Pan; but ‘‘ Bos” ’s a man, To make us sure indeed. irs bright and gay, “vocal Rep” ! “*Marco’s” reply conclusively proved his possession of a Christian spirit. Srvce Samurt Warren wrote his Diary of a Late Physician,— to which, as the Baron supposes, allu- sion is made in p. 200 of this book, where the narrator says, ‘ Thus it happens that the ablest chronicler of their (r.e. medical men’s) experiences in our literature was a lawyer,’—no more interesting, and occasionally sensa- tional, stories have appeared those written by Mr. Conan Doyxe, and pub- lished by Meruvew & Co. in a single = > — be of Round the . ted Lamp. eof these, 4 Strag- “ i gler of 15, has been recently p ow vi A Late Physician. into a one act dramatic sketch for Mr. Invine, who, in the part of the ancient veteran “lagging superfluous,” is reported to have achieved a remarkable success. For pathos, 4 Physiologist’s Wife is as perfect in style as it is tatainal te design ; ot those who want to take something strong before going to bed, the Baron can conti- dently recommend The Case of Lady Sannoz ; while for those of the inferior sex whom Providence has blessed with nerves, the Baron prescribes to be taken, the Jast thing at night, with a favourite pipe and a tumbler of the reader’s special “‘ wanity,” the story of Lot No, 249; ** lights full up,” as the stage directions say, the door locked, and the room peoeony searched, in order to quite sure that no practical joker is in hiding behind sereen, curtains, or under table, who might think it humorous to pop out when you are deep in the story, and *‘ give you fits.” In the Yellow Book, No. 3, | nished’—with several books for my journey, and——” ‘Tickets | please,” broke in the inspector. ‘‘ Just when I was comfortable,’ | building business. Providence, interposing, made him a painter, and | the gaiety of nations has been increased by the possession of some | storks. In Pen and Pencil Sketches (Cuatro and Winvvs) he has ‘** Now I’m furnished,’”’ hummed the Baron, ‘ ‘ Now I’m fur- wled the Baron; “‘ but no matter. And now for the Pen and encil Sketches.” The father of Mr. Stacy Marks predestined him for the coach- given the world some reminiscences of a career justly crowned by the laurels of the Royal Academy. The work is in two volumes, and my Baronite says would have been more than twice as good had it been in one, The first volume is charming, with its chat about Lxien’s studio and the men met there; of CHARLES Keene and the delightful cruise off Gravesend in the William and Mary; of merry days with the St. John’s Wood clique; of nights | at Artuur Lewis’s; and of days with Frep Waker. hen | the flood of memory runs dry, and there still remains a second | volume to be produced, Mr. Marks grows desperate, and shovels in anything he finds handy in the pigeon-holes of his desk. Thus the pleased reader finds reprinted articles that appeared in the Spectator thirty years ago, when Mr. Marks was art critic to that respectable journal, Also there is a description of Bampton, which once thrilled the readers of the Tiverton Gazette. This gives to the second volume something of the smell of an apple store-room. But the first is good enough to atone for the burden of the second. By |a happy coincidence, whilst Mr. Do Maurier in TZrilby has made all the world in love with Little Billee, he appears under his own name in many of Mr. Manxs’ pages, and is always the same | charming, simple-minded, sensitive man of genius. It is pleasant to read how our Mr. Acnew—** Wi1- oung ter his first substantial litt. /sLKek had painted a picture he called ‘“‘ Spring,” a young. gil gathering primroses ina wood. Yield- ing to the advice of his friends, he put on ita price the amount of which abashed him. Mr. Acnew saw the picture, recognised its merit, and asked. When the young artist heard of his good fortune he burst into tears, and gasping out ‘I must go “Or the original sketches —— * Little Billee.”” and tell my mother,” rushed from the place. with whic by Frep Wacker, which reveal in a new light the painter of ‘* 7’ Almshouse,”” Amo many good stories, Mr. Manrxs tells how he | C was addressed by ry ey who, believing from his name that the he was a Jew, invited him to look in at his church and be converted. | parties to the *“ Apple Blossoms in Brittany” ; a charming unfinished picture. You must guess what the fruit may possibly be from the blossom. Also very Hartanp’s ** When I am a King.” LAM” the wise call him—gave the | Nocturnal! wrote a cheque for the full amount | | * Reading Lot No. 249.” ood is Henry Baron pe Boox-Woxrms. AIRS RESUMPTIVE. V.—Liurra Lipirera. Unper a canopy dark-hued as—well, Consult the Bilious Book, e 51 page ». Lies pallid W niskensLny’s resentment, done HISKERSLEY'’S own weird unearthly spell. His is that Lady known as JRZEBEL Or Litirn, Eden’s woman- scorpion, Liprrera, that takes the bun, Bonora, Vivier, Cussed Damosel. Hers are the bulging lips that fairly br The pumpkin’s heart ; and hers the eyes that shame The wanton ape that culls the cocoa-nuts. Even such the yellow-bellied toads that slake ardent flame In the wan waste of weary water-butts. the volumes are enriched are some pen-and-ink drawings protest against the a made by the Archbi f Lord Hatrrax. Aw EcccestasticaAL Hiperntan-Ipgntay Meppie anp Moppre. Lord Hanrrax writes to the Cardinal Archbishop of ToLepo to pointment of an Anglo-Iberian bishop to Spain op of Dustix & Co,; and his English Eminence ardinal VavueHANn writes to Spanish Eminence to Of which the sum is that all the case are evidently, for the time being, Protestants! VOL. CVII, their amorous-

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So ee ae as 206 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ————__ [November 3, 1894, | | A HOPELESS QUEST. My mind a perfect blank _I’ve made, Upon a dise I’ve fixed ORICIN OF THE BLUSH- ROSE. I asxkep the Queen of Flowers Why the blush-rose my eyes. rie blushed so red, I a i y mesmerism’s Through the sun - rays aid, and the showers, To probe stupendous And sw bowed its mysteries. modest head. Hour after hour in soli- | (nd fair Flora whispered tude “ Hush ! . I Cane have spent, but, | It would hurt t 2 om Y | to hear! = a There was nomagictrance The beginning of that blush Was not love, or shame, or fear. To séances if I i All the pretty ary ie. oo 3 WA hostile inf Te fancies song, AEE: = $ they That you find in poet’s 5 ney = ensued My mind remained a perfect blank. T - And encounter in ro- ee mances, Thei . Are entirely false and me cece rites wrong. Af i ‘ y That flush so fair and phi ee fleeting ’ ‘ With all their perfumes, Means not passion, wy or pity ; But hot memories of the meeting I am not blest with | Of a Vigilance Com- occult powers ! mittee!” = Perrect.—The Daily Telegraph, in a short notice of a present made | to a Mr. Oster for assist- | ing the police, mentions | the unavoidable absence | on this interesting occa- | sion of ‘*Chief Inspector | | Bexton,’—which is a Mes. Cuant-I-crearR rue Music Hatrts.—So the verdict of the L. C. C. was against the Empire. This, of course, does not prove that the Members of the Council are amen- able to Chantage. Onthis oecasion Mrs. CHant made gi “ADVICE GRATIS.” , . ood name suggestive of | ioareettenee Betsy Trotwood (Mrs. London City) to Mr. Dick (Mr. H-w-s). ‘‘ Now HERE YOU SEE staff attached. to “* belt lar. Sir Caristorpaer Wren’s CHILD, AND THE QUESTION I PUT TO YoU IS, WHAT SHALL on,”’—and of Mr. Super- | I po wire wim? Com, I WANT SOME VERY SOUND ADVICE \intendent FeERRETT”— | ACrvet Porr.—Father THE CONTEMPLATION OF OLD St, PAUL’s SEEMED TO IN*PIRE HIM WITH A SUDDEN/|than which no ed Time is the offender when | DEA, AND HE REPLIED BRISKLY, ‘“‘I sHOULD WAsH HIM!” ; | name was ever found, out he begins to write lines on ‘Mr. H-w-s,” sarip Mas. Lonpon Ciry, “‘seTs Us ALL RIGHT, WE'LL FILL THE) of a burlesque novel, for | your face. F(RE-ENGINE WITH SOAP-AND-WATER !|’'—‘' David Copper fie _" adapted, a clever detective. Il.—Tue New Way. Auditor. Oh, what larks! [Subsides into a chair, and takes two minutes to recover from his fit of merriment. Clerk (surprised). 1 really fail to see where the joke comesin. | Clerk. Then I believe that you are entirely satisfied with the Auditor. Oh, don’t you know? I’m one of the new class of comic TWO WAYS OF AUDITING. 1.—Tue Orv Way. Scenz.—A Chamber in a Civie Building. The Town Clerk and the Auditor discovered at a table covered with papers. satisfactorily—it’s this ‘‘£25 for ginger-beer to the Mayor and Council on the oceasion of opening the new Cem -” Does not— er—that sum represent a rather number of bo P Clerk (in an off-hand way). W we put down ginger-beer, you know, as it looks better, and there’s a rather strong temperance party in the borough. of course, it was really champagne—‘‘extra sec,” too, you bet! Auditor, Oh, of course. I merely mentioned the matter for the sake of form. And the ‘* £15 for cigars””—that was an expenditure incurred at the same time, I conclude ? Clerk (carelessly). Oh, yes. Y’see, one of the Councillors is the leading tobacconist in the place. Auditor (relieved), Ab, that accounts for it. Then these ‘* models of the Crematorium in gold and jewels, as brooches for the wives of the Councillors ’’—1 see they come to £105 in all. Clerk (sternly). You don’t object to the brooches, I presume ? Auditor ar ae 4 in So poet A most— er—praiseworthy m 0 i e ratepayers’ money. Clerk. Quite so, Our Mayor’s our leadin jeweller, you know. So, as you've put “‘ Examined and heguewelt* we in to lunch? For a “ cold collation on the occasion of the audit” our Council always allows £10. It’ll be rather a feed [ Exeunt into ing apartment. accounts ? ; auditors—'‘ made in Manchester.” What tickles me is this item of | Auditor, Oh, perfectly. (After a pause.) There is one item I £17 for gold match-boxes for lighting the cigars of the Mayor and wanted to ask Fm I’ve no doubt you'll be able to explain it Aldermen on the occasion of the visit to the Sewage Farm, There's persiflage, if you like! Clerk (emiling). I’m glad you take so humorous a view of the matter. Of course you allow that expenditure ? Auditor, Allow it! Not for worlds. Then—(with difficulty re- straining another outburst of mirth)—how about ‘‘ £27 for oysters and Chablis’’ after the visit ? Clerk. The Council naturally required some refreshment at the end of the journey—quite a quarter of a mile, in their own carriages —and oysters were rather dear just then—a little out of season. Auditor (after a guffaw). Capital! ‘Out of season”—out of reason, too, J should say. Of course I must surcharge the oysters and Chablis. Really, I’m enjoying myself immensely ! Clerk (gloomily). I hope the Council will feel equal enjoyment at your report. Do you mean seriously —— Auditor. Seriously! Nota bit of it. I tell you I’m a comie charac- ter. And what better practical joke can one play than suddenly to come down on public officials with an audit disallowing all their little nal luxuries? Afraid I must strike out these items of ** Visits to Olympia by Corporation to inspect the a oy ements,” and ** Ditto at mpire and Alhambra Theatres.” No doubt the Aldermen will be lad to pay for them themselves. Now I think the business is finished. munch? No, thanks, A oneness like this is lunch enough for me. [Crams handkerchief in mouth, and exit.

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— 894, | —=—_:2 EST, | blank e fixed Tism’s | J mdous | | soli. | » but, | Trance ed a | r, nce ” sence | Novewsme 3, 1894] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 207 ~ CANT yy. CANT. Ir “ want of decency is want ot sense,” So want of sense may very likely lead To want of decency. poor pretence Of interested vice sense will not heed. A satyr’s satire is but sorry stuff; Anti-Cant’s canting is most sickening fudge. Belial, who backs his trade with bounce and bluff, Wins not a case where wisdom is the judge. ¢ Protests against the pryings of the prude E Are not to help the profitably lewd. / = | THE POLITE GUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE. (By an Affable Philosopher and Courteous Friend.) How to Enter THE Civit Service. In the good old days of yore there was little trouble in obtaining admission to the Civil Service. All that was neces- sary was a slight knowledge of a Cabinet Minister, and a smat- | tering of schooling, The latter might be obtained at Eton, | | Winchester, Rugby, Westminster, or Harrow. The acquaint- | | ance of the Minister, of course, had to be made by your father. | You were too young to have attracted the attention of so important a porsanape. Suppose you had reached the mature age of eighteen, and had given up the round jackets and collars of boyhood, and had assumed ‘“‘stick-ups” and ‘‘cutaways.” your father would probably ask you ‘‘ What you intended to do next ? ‘*No, my dear fellow,” would be the paternal reply to a suggestion about Trinity or Christ Church. ‘I am afraid I can’t manage either. ou see, your two elder brothers went to the University, but then we could find them family livings. It would be useless to let you read for the Bar, because we haven’t any of us married into a single firm of Solicitors; and in these | hard times I really can’t afford to buy you a commission.” You would notice sotto roce that when ways and means were | being discussed, times were always hard. : } . ** T suppose you could be a doctor if you pleased; but walk- to z - ing the hoapitals io net 0 pastiontenly plenen at cvoupation, Then er ho = there is another opening—why not try the Civil Service ?”’ You would rather freshen up at this. You would have read A REALIST IN FICTION. in a comic paper, that never will be nameless, that Govern- “I saw A RABBIT RUN THROVGH THAT Hepos |" ment clerks were like the fountains in Trafalgar Square (old ‘‘No, pear. It was Imacrnation !” style), ‘* because they played from ten to four.” ‘* Ane 'MacrnaTions WHITE BEHIND!” ‘Well, yes,” you would return, ‘I don’t think I should - mind that so much. It would be rather fun to go to Paris as an | the Public Squander Department to inform you when the inscription attaché,” |of such and such a Milestone was last restored? ‘The official will ‘I’m afraid I couldn’t quite manage that, my dear boy,” your | fence the query. Probably his Private Secretary, considering you a fond parent would respond, ‘‘ They don’t pay attachés at first, and | new man, will have failed to furnish the necessary information. so you would have to he satisfied with the War Office or the | You must expect a little retardation at the first set-off. Admiralty instead of the Foreign Office.” And here let me point out for your future guidance the importance “All right, Pater,” you would say, and leave the matter in the | of having a private secretary thoroughly up to his work. Had your hands of the elder generation. answerer been possessed of the proper sort of assistant you would Then your father would write to any Cabinet Minister of his | have been discovered, respectfully button-holed, and perforce satis- eoqusahenes about things in general and nothing in particular, | fied. You would never have had the heart to put your question and would add a ** P.S.” asking for a nomination. fn due course a | about the Milestones. But the particular Private Secretary of your reply would come granting the sweet boon. A test examination answerer being not up to his work you get snubbed. would follow of a perfunctory character, and an intimation of your But don’t be discouraged ; stick to your Milestones. — ; appointment would be the sequel. Then you would take up your, Bombard “ the Right Hon. Gentleman opposite” with questions. daily residence in Pall Mall or Whitehall for twenty or thirty years Ask him for particulars about the Milestones in the Old Kent Koad and then retire as a Knight ora C.B. Thus was done in the com- and on me | Plain. If he requests notice, give him notice. By paratively long ago. But now-a-days another plan has to be adopted. degrees you will find that you are becoming an institution. Mile- Ins of entering the Civil Service as a junior join it as a senior. stones are your oodete, When the House is sitting demand As a preliminary you must get into the House. This is simpler ticulars, When the House is up, write to the papers. Move than having to cram and then stand the racket of a competitive for returns about Milestones. Go down to Slocum-on-the- Marsh and examination. Any one under certain conditions can enter Parliament, read papers on Milestones. If possible, be made a F.8.A. on the but the Civil Service Commissioners bar the entrance to the Govern- strength of your knowledge of Milestones. So identify yourself ment offices with equally certain regulations. For the sake with Milestones that when your name is casually mentioned of argument let me assume that you are in the House, anywhere, let it be common form for some one to say, *' Of You have stood for Slocum-on-the-Marsh, and have per- course, the chap who looks after the Milestones.” suaded the Slocum-on-the-Marshers to elect you. As an Wait patiently until your side move over from the Opposi- M.P. you are duly quali to accept any appointment + tion to the Government benches. Then will come your oppor- under the Crown when the Government ask you. The best “i . tuntity. You will have sat upon a Milestone Commission. plan is to think of an office and then add one to it—yourself. You have been very instrumental in getting Milestones > bh not the Public Squander Department?” you ask yourself. | polished. You have caused Milestones to be multiplied. All these To which you reply with a second question, “‘ Why not?” services must be recognised. And they will. . : Yes, the P. 8. D. is not half bad. But how to get into it. Well,| You will find yourself offered the Secretaryship of the Public why not take up Milestones? All the world knows that the Public | Squander Department—to take care of the Milestones. Accept it. Squander Department are responsible for all the Milestones not You will now have become a Civil Servant. On some future occasion under the superintendence of the county authorities. Go for the I may suggest how you may successfully perform your duties in your Milestones. new position. Begin with a question. Learn that the Milestones in the Old Bath Road are in many cases illegible. Request the Secretary of Derrrtion. a —A London Square is the Paradise of Perambulators. : :

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ee —____.. 208 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Novempmr 3, 1894, aon 7 wait till these county nobs have cleared, I su there goes th LYRE AND LANCET. last of ’em—now for it!... (He pulls himself together, aod bon (A Story in Scenes.) proaches his host and hostess.) Hem, Sir Rupert, and your lady- PART XVIIL—THE LAST STRAW. ship, it’s occurred to me that it’s just barely possible you may have Screws XXVII. (continued).—The Chinese Drawing Room. Srvr- got it into your heads that I was something in the poetical way. RELL’ # ingenuous remark upon the coincidence of the title of the rolume in his hand with the name of his bull-dog has produced a painful silence, whichno one has sufficient presence of mind to break for several seconds, Miss Spelwane (to herself ). Not CLARION Biare! poet! I—I could slap him! ; or Pilliner (to himself), Poor dear Vivten! But if people will insist on patting a strange poet, they mustn't be surprised if they get a nasty bite! Lady Maisie (to herself). He didn’t write Andromeda! Then he hasn’t got my letter after all! And I’ve been such a brute to the poor dear man! How lucky I said nothing about it to Gmrarp! Captain Thicknesse (to himself ). So he am’t the bard!... Now I see why Marsre’s been behavin’ so oddly all the Not even a evenin’ ; she spotted him, and didn’t like to speak out. Tried to give me a hint, though. Well, I shall stay out my leave now Lady Rhoda (to herself). I thought all along he seemed too good a sort for a poet! Archie (to himself ). It’s all very well ; but how about that skit he went up to write on us? He must be a poet of sorts. Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris (to herself). This ie fearfully puzzling. What made him say that about * pane Grisoline ”’ ? The Bishop (to conn A crushing blow for the Countess; but not unsalu- tary. I arn distinctly conscious of feeling more kindly disposed to taat young man. Now why ? he ponders, Lady Lullington (to herself ). I thought this young man was going to read us some of his poetry ; it’s too tiresome of him to stop to tell us about his bull-dog. As if anybody cared what he called it! Lord Lullington (to himself ). Uncom- monly awkward, this! If I could eatch Lavra’s eye—but I suppose it would hardly be decent to go just yet. Lady Culverin (to herself). Can Rowr- sts have known this? What possible object could she have had in—— And oh, dear, how disgusted Rurgrt will be ! Sir Rupert (to himself), Seems a decent young chap enough! Too bad of Ronesia to let him in for this. I don’t care a straw what he is—he’s none the worse for not being a poet. Lady Cantire (to herself). What is he maundering about? It’s utterly incon- ceivable that J should have made any mistake. It’s only too clear what the cause is— Claret ! Spurrell (aloud, good-humouredly). Too of you to try and spoof me like this before everybody, Miss Sretwane! I! Miss Spelw. (indistinctly). Please understand that nobody here had the /east intention of playing a trick upon you! Spurr. Well, if you say so, of course But it looked rather like it, asking me to read when I’ve about as much poetry in me as—as a pot hat! Still, if I’m wanted to read abeal, I shall be happy to oblige—— Ady Cule, (hastily). Indeed, indeed, Mr. Srurnet, we couldn ’t think of troubling you under the circumstances! (Jn desperation.) Vivien, my dear, won’t you sing something ? [ The mney echo the request with unusual eagerness. Spurr. (to himself, during Miss Spetwanr’s song). Wonder what’s put them off being read to all of a sudden. (4s his eye happens to rest on the binding of the volume on his knee.) Hullo! This cover’s pink, with silver things, not unlike cutlets, on it! Didn’t Emma ask me-——? Ky George, if it’s that! I may get down to the Housekeeper’s Koom, after all! As soon as ever this squalling sto I'll find out; | can’t go on like this! (Miss Spenwawe /eares the prano ; everybody plunges feverishly into conversation on the first subject—other than poetry or dogs—that presents itself, until Lord and Lady LULLINGTON set a welcome example of departure.) Better “ Albinia, I think I will go to bed,!”” don’t know whose idea it was to play me such a trick, but —— Sir Rup. (to himself). Not this poor young chap’s fault; must let him down as easily as possible! (Aloud.) Not at all—not at all! Ha ——— you we quite understand ; no necessity to say another word about it. Spurr. (to himself). Just my luck! They quite understand! No Housekeeper’s Room for me this journey! (Aloud.) O€ course | knew the Countess, there, and Lady Marsre, were fully aware al] along (To Lady Matste, as stifled exclamations reach his ear.) You were, were’nt you ? Lady Maisie (hastily). Yes, yes, Mr. Spunrett. Of course! It’s all perfectly right ! Spurr. (to the others). You see, I should never have thought of coming in as a visitor if it hadn’t been for the Countess; she would have it that it was all right, and that I needn’t be afraid I shouldn’t be welcome. Lady Culv. To be sure—any friend of my sister-in-law’s—— Lady Cant, Avstnt, I have refrained from speech as long as possible; but this is reallly too much! You don’t suppose | should have introduced Mr. Spurres. here unless I had had the strongest reasons for knowing, however he may be pleased to mystify us now lieve in this preposterous story of his about a bull-dog. Spurr. But your ladyship must have known! Why, you as good as asked me on the way here to put you down for a bull-pup ! Lady Cant, Never, never! A bull-pup is the last creature I should ever dream of coveting. You were obliging enough to ask me to accept a presentation copy of your verses. Spurr. Was I? I don’t exactly sce how I could have been, considering I never made a rhyme in my life! Sir Rup. There, there, Ronesra, it was it for the pleasure of making Mr, Spvr- RELL’S acquaintance—— Lady Cant. I am not in the habit of making mistakes, Rupert. J don’t know what you and ALsrniA and Maltsir may you seem to have been aware from the you had invited here to meet me, will you kindly explain what has become of the real author ? Sir Rup, My dear Ronesta, I don't know and I don’t care / Lady Cant, There you are wrong, Rupert, because it’s obvious that if he is not Mr. SpurRe., his absence has to be accounted for in some way. Spurr. By Jove, I believe I can put you on the track. I shouldn’t wonder if he’s the party these dress clothes of mine belong to! | ye you may have noticed they don’t look as if they were made or mer Lady Cant. (closing her eyes). Pray let us avoid any sartorial dis- cussions! We are waiting to hear about this person. Spurr. Well, I found I’d got on his things by mistake, and I went up as soon as I could after dessert to my room to take ’em off, and there he was, with a wane basket on his head Lady Cant. A waste-paper basket on his head! And pray what should he have that for? Spurr. He said he wouldn’t take it off till he saw me. And | never saw anyone in such a mess with ink and flour as he was! Lady Cant. Ink and flour, indeed! This rigmarole gets more ridiculous every moment! You can’t seriously expect anyone here to believe it! Arcute discreetly retires to the smoking-room. Spurr. Well, I rather think some dy must have fixed up a booby trap for me, you know, and he happened to go in first an get the benefit of it. And he was riled, very naturally, thinking J’d done it, but after we ’d had a little talk together, he calmed down and said I might keep his clothes, which 4 thought uncommonly good- that he, and | nobody else, is the author of Andromeda! | And I, for one, absolutely decline to be- | your mistake; but as we are indebted to | know that I am in ignorance of, but, since | first that Mr. SpuRRELL was not the poet | = | iI }1

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894. —=, oes the nd ap- ' lady- y have ust let '! Ha ’ word ! No urse | re all ear.) It’s ht of n for at it fraid d of ined this se | ELL | gest y be and | da! | be- | his | ave me ra up of to of | Novewsmn 3, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 209 | natured of him, you know. By the way, he gave mehiscard. Here | | it is, if your ladyship would like to an : [He hands it to Lady Cutverqy. Lady Culr. “‘ Mr. Unperswett!”... Ronesta, that is CLarton | Bram! I knew it was something ending in “ ell.” (To SPURRELL. ) | And you say Mr. UnpEeRSHELL is here—in this house ? | Spurr. Not now. He’s gone by this time. The Others (in dismay). Gone ! Spurr. He said he was leaving at once. If he’d only told me how it was, I’d have-—— | Lady Cant. I don’t believe a single word of all this! If Mr. SpvRRELL is not Crarrow Brarr, let him explain how he came to be coming down to Wyvern this afternoon ! [Partial reaction in company. Spurr. If your ladyship doesn’t really know, you had better ask Sir Rorsat ; he'll tell you it’s all right. Lady Cant, Then perhaps you will be good enough to enlighten us, Rupert ? Sir Rup. (driven wto a corner). Why, ’pon my word, I’m bound to ou that I’m just as much in the dark as anybody else, if it comes to that! Spurr. ( eagerl ). But you wired me to come, Sir! About a horse of yours! I’ve ing all the evening when you'd tell m: I could go round and have a look at him. I’m here instead of Mr. Spavin—now do you understand, Sir Rupert? I’m the Vet. [Suppressed sensation, Sir Rup. (to himself), This is devilish awkward! Don’t quite know what to do. (Aloud.) To—to be sure youare! Of course! That’s it, Romesta! Mr, Spvsrei. eame down to see a horse, and we shall be very glad to have the benefit of his opinion by-and-b 1 He claps him amicably on the + § Lady Cant. (in a sepulchral tone). Avsixta, I think I will go | bed. She withdraws. Sir Rup. (to himself). There’ll be no harm in letting him stay, now he is here. If Ronesra objects, she’s got nobody but herself to blame for it! Spurr. (to himself). They won't want to keep me upstairs much | longer after this! (TREDWELL enters, and seems to have something | of importance to communicate to Sir Rupert in private.) I wonder what thé dooce is up now / TO LETTINA., (By a Profound Thinker.) “HE ’S HAPPY NOW.” [‘‘ A Constant Reaper’s” favourite craze is now being discussed in I poy’ know why, but fifty times a day, all the papers.} To you my thoughts persistently will fly, ‘‘I AM SO GLAD THIS SUBJECT 18 BEING THOROUGHLY VENTILATED You come to me, and, aa. come to stay— Ir MUST BE DOING 80 MUCH GOOD AMONG THE YouNG.” I don’t know why. gate Sometimes I catch myself inclined to try From heart and mind to banish you away. I always fail. If you are not too shy, Just write a line to tell me that I ma MAY ENNAISE v. MAYONNAISE: A REJOINDER. My poor Mayonnaise, they hays sullied your fame! _ ey would alter your spelling, my sweet Mayonnaise. Think gen! of you. Then in future The younger Dumas has e-mended your name Shall think of you, and never want to say | And sent you forth “ o’’-less the rest of your days. I don’t know why. So this man of romances—this writer of plays— Who has woven full many a plot in his time— Would force us to spell you henceforth Mayennaise, THE NEW CANDIDATE. | Nay! this is a plot little short of a crime ! Dear Mr. Puncn,—I trust you will give me the hospitality of your ’T will make not an atom of diff'rence to me. columns (and thus save me the cost of extensive advertising) to The younger Dumas may discourse as he will ; announce that I intend to offer myself as a candidate for all the eleven He’s welcome, with Weller, to “ spell with a ‘ wee’”— divisions at the forthcoming School Board Election. I do this for | To me and the world you are Mayonnaise still. several reasons. In the first } ang as I have no more chance in any | } ; one place more than in any other, I feel it quite impossible to make | He says, at the time when the city Mayenne any choice. Besides, to be elected at the top of eleven polls would be | Was besieged by an arm and riddled with shot an unique distinction, second only to being Nefeated at the bottom of Your charms were acknowledged and praised by the men. eleven. In the next place, as I ean find no other persons who will | Was that army not led by Sir Thomas de Rot? come forward on my platform, I am bound to offer myself every- | where. My views are extensive, not to say peculiar, On the religious question, I agree with everything that has been said by everybody. I hope in this way to avoid incurring odium theologicum of any kind. I am in favour of no one paying rates unless he has Say, Queen of the Sauces, which vow’l shall it be ? Will you yield up the name your admirers bestow ? Pronounce—while your lover is down on an “ E”’ Is it that which you choose? Is it yes? ora “* NO”? children actually at a Board School. I am told that this will not *,* This correspondence must now cease — Ep. secure for me the Labour Vote, but it ought, at any rate, to rally to POSER a= my site all the ‘‘ intelligent and re le.” On all other points I ie ee - believe I am well fitted to sit on the don School Board. under- “Waoere mw He?” — With diamond robberies and darksome stand that at its meetings oysters and Chablis are sometimes the order! murders, of which the perpetrators are still at large, we are al! of the day. If I am returned, my main object, I avow it frankly, | crying out for a real genuine “Snextock Hotmes.” e, WATSONS, will be to make them the standing order. Soliciting the vote of | are waiting for him to step forward and drag various dark mysteries every patriotic citizen, Iam, into the light of day. eerfally shall the coming Hormvs be Yours up-to-(being-a-candi-)date, saluted with Mr. Brooxrretn’s refrain, “* O SueRLock, you wonder October 27, Worrot Ark. | ful man!” | | | i 4

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——$—____ [Novemper 3, 1894. SOCIAL Hostess. ‘‘1 HEARD You MET «ay Covusix, Mavp LESLIz, aT CHARMED WITH HER!” Mr. Wilkinson, ‘‘CHARMED WITH HER? I SHOULD THINK 80 Lady Visitor, ‘‘1'’M A¥YRAID IT HAPPENED TO BE Mz, Mr. W1 AGONIES. THE Gissons at Dinner, Mr. WILKINSON, AND THAT YOU WERE ! Wo woutpy’r pet Way, I’VE ABSOLUTELY FORGUITEX, WHO THe Lapy was | rook nto DINNER, AND WHO SAT ON MY OTHER sips!” LKINSON |” “AN AWKWARD CUSTOMER.” Ain—“' The Bold Poacher.” Wuew I was bound by Party ties to play the bold Premier, I shouldered of my gun, my lads, started void of fear ; With my trusty lurcher at my heels, to whom the sport is dear, For he’s game for tight by day or night at the season of the year! As I and my bold comrade were after bird or hare The gamekeeper was watching us; for him we did not care. For we were on our ground, my boys, grounds free to tyke or peer ; And they're my delight by day or night at the season of the year! As I and my bold comrade were in the Peers’ Preserve, We heard the keeper’s footsteps, but we did not halt or swerve. But I whistled—to keep up my pluck—a song to sportsmen dear : ‘Oh it’s my delight on a shiny night, in the season of the year!” The Senthage popped through the copse, and faced us with a| rown ; He’s got a black-a-vised stern phiz, and a coat o’ velvet brown. He says “* Hillo, Sir! Puvaching?” I retorts, ** Oh, don’t you fear! A gent may poach his own preserves at the season of the year! ”’ He says, ‘* You ought to be ashamed to set so bad example! A sportsman true won’t join the crew who trespass, trap, and trample. A me bird fouls its own nest!” he adds, with a sour sneer. ** Swells should not poach by day or night in the season of the year.” | Says 1,“ You sneer, but I’m your peer, my Sol. The people sent me! | Stare like an owl, or sneer and scowl, you know you can’t prevent me! These here Preserves want breaking up, Monopoly’s pitch to queer Is our delight by day or night, in the season of the year. ‘* A-poaching on one’s own preserves searce poaching seems at all, My foot is on my native—vcopse! The old Game Laws must fall. The ‘ Peers’ Preserves’ the people will throw open—or else clear, And you'll have to fight for your old old right at the season of the year. “* You ask me if I like the job? That’s neither here nor there! I’m simply bound to do it, and I really don’t much care. If Peers will claim the best o’ the game, and strive the rest to queer, We'll take our right, by day or night, at the season of the year! ” LOCAL COLOUR. Mr. AsquitH was reported the other day to have said that the Government was spoken of as having been accused of refusing s0- |called amendments to the Employers’ Liability Bill in ‘* peacock temper.” The Daily News, in referring to this, suggests that ** peacock temper” was a misprint for ‘‘ pique, or temper.” But surely this is not so. Mr. Asquirm evidently has given in his adhesion to the new system of ‘‘ colour re. This opens | great possibilities to the future. Radicals will denounce the “‘ scarlet scandals of the ap pn peers.” Tories will wax eloquent on | “* the pink miasma of revolutionary Radicalism.” No one will know | what it all means, but that is part of the programme. Even if this | colour scheme will not work, there is still a justification for the Asquithian phrase. Everybody has heard of a ‘* foul slander.” Why not a “* peacock temper ” ? A Case of Parallelism. (Extracts from the Report of a recent Conference.) “Dr. Srantey Borp advocated ‘‘Mrs,Sraniey Born thought the use of milk and lentil soup,” that all such novels as The Heavenly Twins, The Manz- man, and The Wages of Sin, should be tabooed.” Sim Perer.—A well-written letter in the Times last week puts what may be called ‘‘The Hard Case of Sir Peter Epirw’’—and, indeed, he must be pretty well case-hardened at the Middlesex Ses- sions by this time— easly and forcibly before the public. Sir Perer Epix, it seems, has been doing treble the amount of work fur @ two-third’s salary. This should be righted, and the Judge at the Middlesex Sessions should be independent of the would-be ubiquitous L.C.C. Such is the opinion of this Correspondent to the 7imes, and it is doubtless the opinion of a fair and just majority. As Joseph Surface observes in The School for Scandal, ** Well, it will give Sirk Perex great satisfaction to hear this.” Onty Natvrat.—A shareholder at a recent company meeting complained, with some amount of feeling, that he found it next to impossible to obtain a *‘ good penny bun.” Can it be that so many people have “‘ taken the bun” that there are none left ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 3, 1894. F) 7 a “Uyze hntng : “AN AWKWARD CUSTOMER.” Gamuxzzrer S-1-sp-ry. “HALLO! YOUNG FELLOW! POACHING?” Tue “ Youne Frttow” R-s-»-zy. “IF I AM POACHING, I’M ON MY OWN PRESERVES.”

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Novemsgr 3, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 213 THE LINKS. ’Trs a brilliant autumn day, And the breeze has blown away All the elouds that lowered gray, So methinks, methi As I’ve half an hour to spare, | will go and take the air, While the weather still is fair, On the Links, I admire the splendid view, The delicious azure hue Of the ocean and—when, whew ! With a crack, Lo! there drops a little ball Which elects to break its fall By alighting on the small Of my back, In the distance some one cries Some remark about my eyes, None too pleasant, I surmise, From the tone ; So ow my steps I turn | Till a figure I discern, Who is mouching by the burn All alone, He has lost a new ‘* Eclipse,” And a little word that slips From his gee | lips ells me true That, besides the missing ball, Which is gone beyond recall, He has lost—what’s worst of a]]— Temper too. I conclude it will be best If I leave him unaddressed, Such a melancholy quest anal Pe yams nd I pass to where Clouds of sand uprisi my! h Till they all but hide the From the view. They proceed, I understand, From a bunker full of sand, Where a golfer, club in hand, Freely swears As he hacks with all his might, | rill his countenance is quite As vermilion us the bright t he wears, I observe him for a while With a highly-tickled smile, For it is the queerest style Ever seen : STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. Taz SrorK AS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN. He is very short and stout, And he knocks the ball about, But he never gets it out On the green. Still I watch him chop and hack, | Till I hear a sudden crack, | And the club-head makes a track In the 1 There’s astartled cry of ‘“* FORE!" As it flies, and all is e’er!— I remember nothing more Till to-night, | When I find myself in bed | With a lump upon my head | Like a penny loaf of bread ; And methinks, | For the future I'll take care, | When I want a little air, That I won’t go anywhere Near the Links. |THE DILEMMA OF THE HEADLESS SPECTRE. | I’ve always done my best to please, Then wherefore do they scoff ’ A headless ghost, in 7 Ae like ese, Is very badly off. Some say, for Myers we ought | to go, And some for Mr, Sreap. I really can’t profess to know, For { have lost my head, They come and ask me for a key To life’s dark prison cell. Oh, what’s the use of asking me / However can J tell ? I do not understand the speech Of all these learned men, Wildly I wave my hand at each, Again and yet again. I feel that I have stayed too late, And yet I can’t move on, I’m utterly inadequate, Because my head is gone. | I wish I were I don’t know what. | I wish that I were dead, I don't know Hh I am or not, For I have lost my head ! INS AND OUTS. ** CRICKET was a far superior game to golf or tennis,” said Lord Kyutsrorp to the —\ bers of the Victoria Park Cricket Association ; and he went on to tell a story of the first introduction of cricket to Ton; Pacific Islands. Everybody took up the game so heartily that State affairs were allowed to slide altogether, and at last the King of Toca had to lay down rules as to the times when the game might be indulged in. ‘* Even then the Prime Minister was with difficulty vented from bowling during forbidden hours.”’ | For Tonga read Westminster—where a good | deal of tongue—ah !— on—and we geta_ result something like this :— ‘After the usual luncheon interval, the | Leader of the Opposition and the ex-Umpi hte sae nae deliv a First - ssioner of Stumps j cage he punishment inflieted by the former on the bowling led to a Cabinet crisis, ending in the Secretary of State ing his office and the leather to the Lord High Wicket-keep. The result of this change was soon t, for the Leader of the Opposition was bowled by a quotation from Hansard, and bis place one of the. om token bya inent member from below the Opposition ay. ‘* As the score stl mounted, the Ministry decided to apply the Closure to the game, an effort which was resisted by the whole force | of the Opposition, armed with pads and | wickets, During e all-night innings which | ensued the Prime Minister retired ar and the Ministry were finally driven into the Pavi- lion, where they expressed a decided intention, in consequence of the underhand bowling of their opponents, of at once appealing to the Pre- country. The Committee of Lords’ has placed its veto on these disorderly proceedings, and ‘Down with the Lords’ is likely to the Ministerial rallying-cry during the forth- coming Election. Literary Discovery.—It A bas been | hitherto thought that only two *‘ G. O. M.’s”’ | existed, the one, par excellence, being The | G. O. M., and the other, the Right Hon. G. 0. Moreayn. Butthere is a third, and he is Gr-o M(grepitn). No more at present. Tire vor a Temperance Tate.—Under the Red Nose! THE DAY OF SMALL THINGS. No novels now, but novelettes ; Cigars give place to cigarettes. Titanic ** suns” to twinkling ‘‘ stars,” Pictures to sketches, ‘* pomes” to ‘* pars”’ ; Bonnets to things like housemaids’ caps, Banquets to tit-bits, books to scraps, And three-vol novels to * short stories.’ Gibbon-like length and epic glories, Like mamm cave-bears, are gone, Earth brings not back the mastodon ; The microbe takes its place. They kill us Not by a giant, but bacillus. Monsters, huge dragons, Laidly Worms, We fear no more, ’tis unseen ‘* germs” That floor us in our life’s full pride. We want a “ Jack the Germicide,” And not the Giant Killer now. Behemoth and the big bow-wow Are gone; for aught not smart and little We do not care one jot or tittle! Famiciak Latin Quotation (adapted for the use of Empire, Alhambra, and Music Halls generally).—** Spectaculum reniunt ; cenit inspector ; out tipsy.” iletietadicemham eee :

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | [Novemser 3, 1894. | | 4 ym EX AB -- »" Ss Bos . oN ah Se Be DA J yas ~ it \ ‘x G LEG | 1l.—Improvep KircHEN ARRANGEMENTS. IMPROVEMENTS IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

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Novemerr 3, 1894.] THE LONDON CHARIVARL. PUNCH, OR BEAUTIES OF BOLOGNA. Nor those, along the route prescribed To see them in a hurry, Church, palace, gallery, described By worthy Mr. Murray. Nor those detailed as well by whom But Barpexer, the German ; The choir. the nave, the font, the tomb, The pulpit for the sermon. No tourist traps which tire you out, A never-ending worry ; Most interesting things, no doubt, Described by Mr. Murray. Nor yet, O gastronomic mind— In cookery a sage In recipes—you will not find, I mean Bologna sausage. Not beauties, which, perhaps, you class With your own special curry ; Not beauties, which we must not pass If led by Mr. Murray. I sing—alas, how very ill !— Those beauties of the city, The praise of whose dark eyes might fill A much more worthy ditty. 0, Ladies of Bologna, who The coldest heart might flurry, I much prefer to study you Than Damanes or Murray! Those guide-book sights no longer please ; Three hours still, tre ore, I have to lounge and look at these Bellissime signore, Then slow express—South Western goes Much faster into Surrey— Will take me off to other shows Described by Mr. Murray. But still, Signore, there will be, By P hen sweet faces smitten, One Englishman who came to see What Barpexer has written. Let Barpexer then see the lot In frantic h -scurry. I’ve found some beauties which are not Described by Mr. Murray. CLIO AT SALCOMBE. (Funeral of James Anthony Froude.) Scarce Clio’s self, calm-soul'd historic Muse, Praise to her fiery votary may refuse, Though lacking somewhat the judicial poise Of clear mind unperturbed by faction’s noise, And creed’s fanatic clamour, valued most But her who heads the grave recording host. His vivid — live ; his virile touch (Though oft of the too little or too much Ardently heedless in his passionate flow Of words that wakeand thoughts that warmly _ glow), eas om the past, and moves the patri.t eart Of British manhood. His the stylist’s part, The partisan’s impr:ssiveness. He missed The highest height, clear, cloudless, morning- kissed. But long will he be dear to those who love The picturings that charm, the words that move ; And the grave Muse may well let fall a tear, And lay her tribute laurel on his bier. Neat anp Approprtate.—To the Prow- LINA Pays and their allies, the Visiting In- Justices, may be addressed the ancient charge made against certain spies, ‘* Nay, but to see the nakedness of the land have ye come.” TRIFLE UNCOMFORTABLE, PAT THE PATRIOT. (His reflection after reading of the Boa-bolting incident at the Zoo.) | Sr. Patrick had a potent fist, And was a saint right clever, When he gave the snakes and toads a twist And bothered them for ever. But och! here’s a betther plan than Pat's! ’T would have saved the saint much bother Had he trated the snakes like Kilkenny cats, And made them swallow each other. And even now ’twould save much row In the shplit-up Oirish Parthy, {revolt, Could McCartruy’s “ bolt” end Repmonp’s Or Repmoxp swallow McCarruy! Srorttxc.— Axry is delighted to hear that there is a two-year-old running named ’ Ar- riet. ‘It’s spelt Ariette I know,” he says, ** but that ’s jast French cussedness.” A SKETCH AT PADDINGTON. Tae RevereND MoTLey, WHO MAKES ONE OF A RIVER-PARTY, FANCIES HE MET A Gtaxce or RecoGNITION FROM THE Eve OF HIS SOMEWHAT AUSTERE BisHor, AND FEELS A TO A WOULD-BE DESPOT. **Coutp I but rule!” with emphasis you say; Then, doubtless, evil would be swept away. jae 4 to begin, of course, air, uch practical arrangements are your care ; Our tack would bo as mnene than Ge obey | Injustice then would speedily decay, Merit and only merit, then would pay ; Which means, ps, I’d be a millionaire I but rule! Well, many kings have lived and reigned their I rather doubt if our despotic sway Would quite fulfil the objects of your prayer; Selbee pobeat hel dil pepenten” " —Bu ‘ou answer ‘‘ Nay, Fe Ee Could I but rule!” ‘ Tue Reat “Son or Yous.” —Franx Lock- woop, Solicitor-General.

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| victims. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 3, 1894. THE ART OF NAVAL PLATITUDE. Mx. Powcn,—Dear Sir,—As an able-bodied seaman and expert on the marine serpent and other such questions of the hour, I have been very properly asked for my opinion on the late collisions in the far Kast. Lest my utterances should be misrepresented by journals un- accustomed to deal with refinements of maritime phraseology, I send you a correct report of my interview. “What deduction,” began the reporter from the recesses of a deck-chair that had figured at Trafalgar, “‘do you make with regard to the future of warfare from the ements of we have lately read such counts?” ; “My leading deduction,” I re- s difficult before- hand to conjecture which side is go- ing to win, and impossible after- History, however, and a wards to discover which has actually won. long course of technical ex equal courage and skill on both sides, vessels equally well equipped and armoured and of precisely similar shape, tonnage, and fighting power, victory may be expected, in many cases out of a few more, to fall to the party that is numerically the stronger of the two. You are, perhaps, with me on this point ’’ ** T confess,” he replied, ‘‘ that you throw for me a new and lurid light on a question always difficult for the lay mind to grapple with. But tell me of the to o and ite mission.” ** The deadliness,”’ I said, ‘‘ of this modern weapon of naval war- fare is to be fully appreciated by such alone as have been its unhappy In the incredibly short space of time between the moment of impact and the decease of those who are, as an immediate result, blown to indistinguishable atoms, no reliable evidence has, in the nature of things, been taken down from the lips of the people best qualified to submit it. ** Disconnected fragments of speech, chiefly of a profane character, constitute the sole testimony upon which we have to base our con- clusions. But we may safely affirm that one of the most, if not the most, important detail in the manipulation of this projectile | is the aim. Wrongly directed it is comparativelyinnocuous, In the unavoidable hurry and confusion of the moment, when the attention of the operator is diverted by the reiterated play of missiles upon his person, possibly a prey at the very time to insufferable nausea, it is almost impossible to guarantee the missile from aberration. You will posees my technicalities ?”’ “T thank you,” he replied, “‘ and I follow you. do you account for the success of the Japanese with these submarine weapons 7” “Peruse the reports,” I answered, “‘ and draw your own deduc- tions. ‘On the morning of the 18th’ (the morrow of the battle) ‘ the Japanese flotilla of torpedo-boats returned to the Yalu and leisurely destroyed with torpedoes several stranded Chinese vessels,’ ** Here we have the best conceivable endorsement of my views. | That which in the excitement of the fray they were impotent to achieve, this, with fitting leisare, unhampered by the annoyance of | hostile opposition, and with the object rigidly fixed, as in a vice, ” they effected with unqualified and unquestioned success. Dazzled by my pellections he proceeded to put a fresh conun- drum to me. ‘What say you,” he asked, “to the resources of China?’ I see that the Dowager Empress has sent three millions of taels to the forces.” “The tael,”’ I explained, ‘‘is excellent eating. I perceive no immediate reason for the evacuation of Peking as far as the supply of game is concerned. This, however, is a side issue, and not strictly nautical in its bearing. “To proceed at once, and in conclusion, to the matter of our own | naval supremacy” (for I saw this inevitable question already framed ted wisdom of My motto is ‘ Ahoays win!’ on his lips), ** I will give you in a w the accum long years of naval intuition. “ Onee let the enemy, however inferior, win, and for the time | being you are beaten. e are—and here I rely not only on my own observation, but on the testimony of countless myri my species —we are an insular nation, Farther, our commerce is largely dependent on our merchandise. It was not till I had realised to the full these two momentous and erucial facts that I arrived at the naval | distracting ac-| plied, *‘is that it, 1 i ; : : | Porter, K C Vice- perience, alike convince me that, given | PoRTER B (Vice But in what way | conclusion which I have already imparted to you, and now venture to repeat—‘ Always win!’ You bear me out, imagine ro “Tl bear myself,” he affably replied; thus concluding an inter- view in the course of which there had been no manner of hitch except the usual nautical one at the moment of his coming aboard ; and that was due not to the absence of braces, but to respect for my position as an Admiralty Crichton. | There, Mr. Punch, you are welcome to make any use you will of a statement that contains practically and tactically the final word on the future of naval warfare. | Crede, dear Sir, Yours unusually A NEW DEPARTURE. lw pursuance of a recent correspondence in the 7imes, it has been decided to safeguard the rights and legalise the status of interviewees by the formation of an influential association. Jair. Punch has been accorded an advance proof of the prospectus. SOCIETY FOR THE PROTECTION OF HELPLESS AND DESERVING INTERVIEWEES, EX PERTO. | (Founded Oct, 24, 1894.) Chief Offices: Utopia. Operating Room and Infirmary: Harrow Weald. CouncIL, The MrKapo (Pre- sident); Sir Josern President) ; Barnasy Bampton Boo, Esq., of the Bab Ballads ; Borrta Boncaer Boo, ditto, King; Mrs, Boo ; RearnaLp BonTHorxe, Esq., Fleshly Poet: The Lord Bishop of Rum- TI-Foo: Sir Epwarp Corncognan, K.C.B. Capt. R.N.; Lord Mount ARARAT;: Peep-Bo, Prrri Suxc, and Yomyom, of the Savoy Theatre. Solicitors: Messrs. Koxo & Co. Jester: Mr. Jack Pott. Jailor and Chucker-out: Mr. WiLL SaaDsBoxt. Ossects oF THE SocrEety. (1.) To develop the new calling of Professional Interviewee. (2.) To provide the newspaper-reading public with amusement. (3.) To supply eminent humorists and others with enjoyable, rational, and profitable employment. (4.) And, incidentally, to encourage retiring and diffident lady interviewers. Rowes. 1. That all persons shall be eligible for membership of the Society, with the following exceptions :—Infants in arms; Their Descendants | and other Relatives within the Prohibited Degrees; Parties who are | balmy on the Crumpet; H. M.’s guests at Portland, Newgate, and Broadmoor ; Janez; Persons who have written a book; Persons who haven’t; Mrs. Prowxiva Pry; also all the pragmatic and pradish | nonentities who have pranced in prurient print over the unsavoury | question lately discussed ad nauseam in the colamns of the D, 7. 2. That if the interview be conducted by one of the male sex, the Society’s chucker-out, jester, and solicitors shall always be present. 3. That the following scale of fees, payable by the Interviewer to the Interviewee, be adopted :— £ s. d. Mere Nohndy ‘ . ° 6 ° . ° e * 0 0 32 Nobody Else a ‘ . ° ° e . ° e 0 2 6 Mr. eens. over a recent Grievance . ° - 0 6 8 Minister, of Cabinet Rank , ‘ 2 9 Gaiety Girl, of the Front Rank wi 5 Cabman, of any Rank . , . : ‘ ays 2 Mr. Axtuvr Rosearts, on Things in General . 22 0 Ditto, on the Empire Question . , ° ° ° ° 3.3 0 Any leading Burglar, Pickpocket, or Company Promoter, with discount for cash ; ° . , ‘ . 4 40 Pugilist, including services of Policeman and Surgeon ) |G. O. M., if you can get at him , ° ‘ , ° Eminent Humorist, when irritated . ; e . - OF. Ditto, if a Lady, and pretty (these are scarce) . . ‘er, 6 OF | Anybody who hasn’t yet been Interviewed (these are scarcer ) . . 100 0 0 | 4. That the Society be immediately dissolved, in view of pending | litigation. Lord Tottotter; Poon Bin, Esq., of the Japan Society ; Mdlles. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemnge 3, 1894. ESTABLISHED OVER 60°YEARS. BOOTH & FOX's PATENT VENTILATED Prize Medals, London, Dublin, Edinburgh, Liverpool, &c., &c. Fider & Arctic Down Quilts CHINTZES, attractive. The New Patterns in FRENCH SATIN ‘and ‘SATEENS, also in TURKEY RED are very Handsome and o@¢8 6 ¢ Se se 8 6 8 2 on label, \ unpleasant in use. FILLED WITH New and Purified Down. Warranted Free from All Germs of Moth Life. | SOLD BY LEADING DRAPERS AND UPHOLSTERERS.. Buyers of our Manufactures are respectfully requested to see the name ‘‘ BOOTH and FOX”’ as imitations filled with unpurified Down are sure to become unwholesome and WareHouses: 81, Hatton Garden, LONDON, and socal, MANCHESTER. T aa f all VINAIGRE LACTE i: SUEZ > | f “ GOCA-TONIC- A mar ~ = ri sig mex ‘he om PREMIER BLEND GRAND OLD a W. CHRISTIE @ CO., Cannon Street, F.C. (HERRY BRANDY. PouR La TOMerTTe _ CHAMPAGNE.” LAURENT. PERRIER. ) hs st class Brat Chamoagne with Coca us resturative for the Nerves, Mrain ib Insomnia, _ PuGuense, Nervous | he and ibe epressivn, ete ‘——— a" Pints, 2s.; Pints, 3s. Od. ae —_ — yo hac 4, set, Londo CHRISTIE’S HIGHLAND WHISKY. Of all Wine Merchants, and of EERINGS sicoa. atm __ the Best Liqueur _ / BAU. SUEZ TACCINE for the MOUTH Ig © . the WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. | 1) ELICIOUS—COMFORTING | Ask for GRANT'S, and don't be put off with inferior makes 9 COLT’S NEW rC) UNITED STATES COLT $ LIGHTING [MACAZINE UFLES, nd 6 “e, en std to caoat ant a tt care wna veaity pF COL . 8 REVOLVERS arc weed all over the World toe List (ree. COLT’ vIREARIS. 00., $6, Glasshouse a. Fer oy ~ 4 Cireus, ‘Londoa, W. BEDFORD ia PA ee, | a ae SAVAR’S ‘ ab. ind. “Aiea are — ond r~ “que ~~ 4 A sh oO MOK rR Throat Ce 5 row Tr s gE edi s. 6 lufieenza rine Cignsette a medium mi as vl bt pot. FLOR DE DINDICUL, INDIAN CIGAK, CUBEB mnoures 6 gore ae } Full directions. All Chemists, of exquisite favour and aroma. “* eeeeeens rm ronounce them better tha 28 Havannah hs.” —Woarn, alieiienis ec. %, 1891. Noxes of 100, t2s. and 2s (two ese 8. TT Samples (4 and 5), Is., post fre cel2stamps. KEW lay, \ eae Ves. Savaresse's Sandal Vos on 49 & 74, Strand & 143, Vheapside, London. Kat. 17 Capsules, 4s. 6d. per CLAREZ & PYRAMID & FAIRY LIGHT CO., L nis MERCURIAL Clarke's Registered ‘ Pyramid "’ Night-Light Watch-Holder. D JAPANNED WATCH- iam HOLDER,» CLARKE’S PATENT | FAIRY LICHTS, © | Double Wicks boxes contai Lights and Gila = burn 10 hours each Also to burn 6 he 10 in a box. 1/- pe box. | CRICKLEWOOD, LONDON, NOW . the BEST and & ke ' TICLE for CLEANING BILVEM, Mlb mh PLATE, &. 1X Cg 7 MEDAL Mea EAT in Hones, | 6d., and ts. 04 A'S N rr ceed YOUR CHILDREN D® RIDGES TENT COOKED FOOD ASTHMA BRONCHITIS A

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_____ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemnen 3, 1894 8 7 A PICTURE GALLERY FOR ONE SHILLING! PEARS ANNUAL <= «will be Published November 19th Next. Fourth year of this now well-known superb Annual, consisting of CHARLES DICKENS’ GOBLIN STORY “THE pt ll WITH 30 ILLUSTRATIONS, IN HANDSOME COLOURED COVER, Specially Drawn by CHARLES GREEN, RI.

A CHRISTMAS OFFERING. By Sani. This is a Miniature Copy oy one of the Three Presentation Plates, It is printed in Twelve Colours, and measures, without the margin, 17} ine. by 243 ine. THREE LARGE PRESENTATION PLATES °° * % 7 ‘irripican, ** % Me Chrome . “A CHRISTMAS OFFERING.” From the Original Painting by Sani. Size 174 by 24 ins. 2. “SEA HORSES.” From the Original Painting by Fred Morgan. Size 17} by 25} ins. 3. “THE FISHERMAN’S La From the 2 Siena apletes aa De Blaas. Size 32 by 15} ins.

SEA HORSES. By Fred Morzan. This is another of the Three Presentation Plates. It is printed in Fourteen Colours, and measures, without the margin, 17} ins. by 25) ine. *,” As the whole E.jition has always been sold either before or within . few days of Publication, early application is necessary in order to secure * copy of this really ar.istic and marvellous prodaction. PRICE ONE SHILLING. Pub ished by the Proprietors, Messrs. A. & F. PEARS, Limitep, 71—-75, New Oxford Street, London, W.C.; by Messrs. GorDoN & GoTcu, in Melbourne;

and by THe INTERNATIONAL NEws ComPANy, in New York. Sold by Booksellers and Newsagents all over the World.

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Orders for the Edition of SIR JOHN TENNIEL’S CARTOONS, 1871—189: (Strictly limited to 500 Copies), in Two handsome royal 4to Volumes, price 21s. each (quite nett), should now be in the hands of the Booksellers, so as to secure delivery on publication. The First Volume ready on November 20, and the Second on December 11. i

PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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PURE RY'S CONCENTRATED COC OA

<“STRONGEST AND BEST.’— ea” NOTICE. — Re) ected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.. Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description. will in mo case be returned, To this rule there will be no exception. not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper.

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November 10, 1894.] THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217 Zz — . THE PARLIAMENTARY FLYING MACHINE. Mazxim—' Kerr ir vp!” THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. I.—Fons er Orico Maui. SnvGLy nestling in a cosy corner of Blank- shire—that county which at different times and places has travelled all over England— our village pursues the even tenor of its way. To be accurate, I should say did pursue, before the events that have recently hap- pened—events in which it would be absurd modesty not to confess I have played a pro- minent part. Now we are as full of excite- ment as aforetime we were given over to monotony. Nous avons—— No! changé tout cela. _It came about in this way. I have always till the 25th of September (a chronicler should always be up to dates) been entirely free from any ambition to excel in public, After a successful life I have settled down with my wife and family to the of a truly rural existence, ‘* You should come down and live in the country,” I am never tired of i my friends. * Good air, beautiful milk, and, best of all, fresh eggs.” I don’t know why, but you are always expected to praise the — eggs. So I always make a point of omg it, Up to September the 25th, accordingly, I extolled the eggs of the country and lived my cngie, om t ding life. A os da an in the paper on the Paris Councils Act. I read that now for the first time the people in the villages would taste the sweets of local self-government. The change from fresh struck my fancy, up to that time si dormant. I on, all unknowing to my fate. ‘It is the duty,” I saw, “‘of every man of educa- tion, experi leisure in the village who has the fare of his country at heart to study the Act, and to make it his business that his fellow-parishi shall know what the Act does, and how the greatest advan- J'ai | & tage can be obtained from its working.” Then my evil genius prompted me to under- take the task myedt. I was educated—did I not get a degree at Cambridge, ap- proved even by Mr. Caarntes WHIBLEY as a test of culture? I had experience—had I not shone as a financial light in the City for full twenty years? I had leisure—for had I anything in the world todo? Obviously the occasion come, and I—yes I—was the man to rise to it. I bought twenty-nine works dealing with the Act. I studied them diligently section by section, clause by clause, line by line. I re- ferred to all the Acts mentioned. I investi- ated all the Acts it all I felt like a collection of conundrums, But I was not to be denied. One evening, as I was walking through the village, I met Rosert Hepner, “Black Bos,” as he is always called. He is a farm hand, and for some reason looked upon as a leader of men in Cy village. I saw my chance, and promptly took it. ** Good evening, Bos,” I said. ‘I’ve been wanting to have a bit of a talk with you about this Parish Councils Act.” “Well, Sir, and what about that?” Of course he spoke in dialect, but the dialect dialogues are almost played out, so I trans- late into quite ordinary English. It’s easier to understand, and quite as interesting. ** What about it?” said I, with well-simu- lated surprise. Then I launched intoa ne larst account of what it would effect. wax poetic. The agricultural labourer would come home at night from his work proud in the consciousness of being a citizen. He would breathe a different air; the very fire in his cottage would burn brighter because a Parish Council had been established in his midst. I finished (it was a distinct anti- climax) by saying that I had been carefully studying the Act. Two days later Black Bor and two of his mates called at my house—a deputation to ed. At the end of | and ask me to at am Act. I pleaded mod ne’er consent, consen’ , to explain the and, saying I would It was a vain thing to have done, and the effects have been start- ie that meeting must have a chapter 1 b ROBERT’S SOLLEM ADWISE. I caryt on airth think what is the matter with me Jately. I seems to have lost all my good sperrits, and am as quiet and as mopish | as if I was out of a sitiation, which in course | I am not, and am not at all likely tobe. My wife bothers me by constent inquiries about the comin change on the 9th, but she ort to no, as I noes, that the cumming new Lop Mane is jest the same good, kind, afabel Gent as the noble Gent as is a going afore him and who ewery body loved an who allers showed me ewery posserbel kind. ness. I aint not at all sure as them wunder- ful Gents as calls theirselves County Count- | sellers, and is allers a throwing their ill- /natured jeers at the d old Citty, hasn't sumthink to do with it. I’m told as they has acshally ordered one of our most poplar Theaters to be shut up, becoz the acters and actresses is so werry atracktive that they draws a wunderful contrast between them and the sollem Gents as is allers a interfeer- ing in some way or other where they are least wanted. One of their most wunderful and most con- ceeted fads is a longing desire to have charge of our nobel Citty Perlice, which, as ewery body knos, is the pride of the hole Me- trolypus. One of the new Lorn Manr’s private gennel - men has told me, in the werry strictest con- fidens, that they have all agreed together, Lorp Mang, Sherryfs, Halldermen, Livery- men, and setterer, to have the most brillientest Show as has bin seen in the old Citty since the time of Dick Wirrinoton of ewarlasting memory! if its ony for the purpose of driving the County Countsellers, as they calls their- selves, stark ing mad with enwy! And so estonished is the Queen’s Guvernment themselves by what they hears on the subjec of the Glorious appeestine Dinner, that they has acshally e werry primest of all their Cabinet lot, inclooding the Prime Minister hisself, the Lord Chanceseller, my Lord Srrvsrer, and setterer and set- terer, not only to accept the Lonp Marr's per- lite inwitation, but to take care to be in time, and not to keep the nobel 5 ye ing as old Mr, Griep- STONE usued to do in days gorn by. y-the-by, the pre- sent Lozp Marg, jest to show his ermazin libber- ality, acshally arsk , and werry much they seemed to injoy theirselves, and I must say, behaived like reel nelmen, tho’ sum of the speeches cnebally thew by Lord Harssery and Mr. Ricner, must have been rayther staggerers for them to bear. Roper, Prosrt.—Best wishes to Mr. Berreonm Trex for the suceess of the new piece at the Haymarket. Whatever may be the result, he, personally, is in for a ** Wynn.’ VOL, CVILI, U

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218 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemomn 10, 1894, | i Mss Wy “THE CHALLENGE.” Sir Lucius O' Trigger (the Irish Party). ‘‘Tuzy sunB YoU KNOW WHAT I8 TO BE DONE!” ce . Opps FLINTS, PANS AND TRIGGERS! J’LL CHALLENGE HIM DIRECTLY ! Bob Acres (L-rd R-s-b-ry). ‘‘Wuat! Fiout uim?...

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| it; O (pinion) oscillated | R . i) toiled for it; V (ituperation vexed it; W (isdom) wondered old, | : X, Y, Z—well, ‘* Wise-heads” are few, and ‘‘ X” is| And both to utterly forget | Novemsre 10, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 219 | “THE CHALLENGE.” | et “Of course, you may get the House of Lords to surrender as you t a fortress to surrender, by making it clear that it is encompassed | snd besieged beyond all hope of deliverance; but that in itself is not | an easy task with the garrison that I have described as sure to defend | Lord Rosebery at Bradford.) Bob Acres Sick ol e Sir Lucius O’Trigger . . + . . | Sir Lucius, Then sure"you know what is to be done ? Acres. What! fight him ? | Sir Lucius, Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?... bas given you the greatest provocation in the world. Acres. apace! Odds hilts and blades in him and not know it!... . Lord R-s-n-ry, Irish Party. . it.... We fling down the gauntlet. It is for you to back us up.” — I think he ad, that ’s true—I prow full of anger, Sir Luctvs!—I fire ! I find aman may have a deal of valour Your words are a grenadier’s match to | my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel | a kind of valour rising as it were—a kind of courage as I may say.— Odds flints, pans and triggers! J°U challenge him directly !—The | Rivals. . . . . . * Fighting Bob's Afterthoughts. Opps bombs and torpedoes! An oath, like a whistle Will keep up the Dutch courage at least I feel like a hero of r and gristle Who goes to the fight as men go to a feast. — Sir Lucrus has ht me to’t—fire-eater furious. Odds bullets and bi Yes, courage is catching. And yet—it is curious, He urges the task without weighing the risk. That ’s just like O’TrIccER, a swaggering swigger Of fiery potheen which gets into his head! _ At i and caution he’ll swear or he’ll snigger, is only resources steel, powder and lead. He thinks he has m Bull-makin en! of Blunderbuss Hall ; But zounds. t LEY, Is not a foe to pooh-pooh! Not at all! Odds jigs and tabors! Such bellicose neighbours Are horridly awkward; they will force one’s hand, A chap who unceasingly brags and belabours Is valued, no doubt, in a Donnybrook band ; But swelling Drawcansir demeanour won’t answer On this side the Channel so well as on that. O’TricGER’s a mixture of Scorpio and Cancer, And Butt is less sweet on that blend than is Par. It’s ; ust a tremendous, big, bothersome business,— That’s what itis! But I’m in for it now. I feel a dizziness. O’TriceEr’s fizziness Leads all his friends into mischief and row. Still, I’m committed ; and much to be pitied, As clearly they ’d see if they any nous. But odds popguns and peashooters! shall I be twitted With caution extreme, and the pluck of a mouse ? No, that will not do. I my courage must muster. Whatever the odds, Figntrne So here goes a buster, though bluster and fluster Are not in my line; yet ** indite, Sirs, indite!” I’ll begin with a—swear-word and end with defiance Odds daggers and darts, how Ill hector and frown! My friends on my valour may now place reliance, The challenge is sent, Sirs, the gauntlet is down!!! THE SCHOOL-BOARD APPLE-PIE. (Adapted for the Board School Infant Classes, ) Bos must show fight! the business most cleverly, t es, how he’|l bristle and whisk ! | A (Scnoor-Boarp) Apple-Pie; B (uilt it); C (ireular) cut it up; D (tere) directed it; E (xpenses) eat it up; F (onsrer) | fought for it: G (LaDsToNE) got it through; H (ostility) | hampered it ; I (ntolerance) injured it; J (ealousies) jangled | about it; K (indness) ki | costs; M (oney) met them; N (oodles) talked it; Q (nidnunes) querulously ruefully regarded him ; S (ecularism) sneered at it ; nown quantity. er ed at it; L (ops) lightened its it, P (rogressives) prodacd concerning it; P (rogressives € d ) uestioned and quizzed it ; (ILEY) raised religious rumpus about it, while R (ateperers) (eac ig burly and black-bearded—Brver- | \ 4 a ot a“ INDEED! Don’T BELIEVE IN IT! GUSTINGLY GOOD ORDER IN MY LIFE VAGABOND VERSES. Wirurn the Square we both abide, An artist I, an heiress you, My studio like my work is skied, ’Tis sitting-room and studio too, Your chimney-pots I can desecry, I look across the leafy Square. I think of you, I wonder why Your uncle is a millionaire! I like you best in misty grey, spoils, Yet strives for ever to portray. By day I turn you to the wall Lest idle gazers s} ould surprise ; But when night gathers I recall, | I look into your dreaming eyes. | So many things I cared about, | And now they all have fallen flat, | While I, Bohemian out and out, | Have been to buy a better hat, | In lieu of one of dusky green | Upon my coat paint splashes shine. | Endeavouring to get it clean I’ve rubbed it hard with turpen- tine Till my head ached, my heart was aint, And I was utterly undone, I cannot rub away the paint, I can’t afford another one. They have a murky yellow shade, y Fe once so white; and rail, | And at the wristbands sadly frayed My solitary swallow-tail ! That dinner-party where we met! We seemed to meet like friends of The bitter barrier of gold. e t Tod ua I’ve pictured you in chalks and oils, Your nameless charm my pencil on elu * /s ri o LY wae Uy A POSITIVELY OSTENTATIOUS. Mr. Phunkstick (quite put out), ‘‘ TALK ABOUT AGRICULTURAL DEPREssION, NEVER SAW FENCES KEPT IN SUCH DI8- Oh, by your eyes, your wistful mien, I know for wealth you do not eare, I know you wish you had not Related to a millionaire ! The starlit night is deepening Hushed are the footsteps of the 0: , | My window open wide I fling, And one enchanted pipe I smoke, And on the misty vapour blue, Across the Square my fancies float ; And oh, so near, so near to you, And oh, so bitterly remote ! I talk to you of many things, | My pipe I unaware refill, I wonder if our thoughts have wings, 1 wonder, are you waking still ? | And should I, if your house took | re, | Have time to hurry to your aid, To rescue you from peril dire, ‘ore swooped down the Fire Brigade. There has sprung up a pleasant breeze After the day’s dustladen air, And it is blowing in the trees Within the garden in the Square. Oh, gentle wind—J may not speak, = oe the West, J may not te Across the Square my lady seek, And bid her dream I love her well! Pouite Porice mm Eorrr.—The Anglo-] Police are to be con- vi into a civil force, Will Police | Professors of Politeness be sent over ‘from England to give lectures on civility ? Morro ror ANY AUTHORS WRITING PLays vor THE Garrick THEaTer. —'* Keep your Hane on!” To at the Sr ARNIS tre ts : j

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| 920 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemegr 10, 1894. —_——__. ———— = LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XIX.—UNEARNED INCREMENT. Scewe XXVIL. (continued).—The Chinese Drawing Room, Sir Rupert (to Taepweit). Well, what is it ? : Tredwell (in an undertone). With reference to the party, Sir Rupert, as represents himself to have come down to see the ’orse, adil Sir Rup. (aloud). You mean Mr. Srcorreci? It’s all right. Mr. Spcoreece will see the horse to-morrow. (TREDWELL disguises his utter bewilderment.) By the way, we expected a Mr.— What did you say the name was, my dear?,.. Unpersuett? To be sure, a Mr. UnpeRsmewy, to have been here in time for dinner. Do you know why he has been unable to come before this ? Tred. to himself ). Do I know ? Oh, Ler! (Aloud. ) I—I believe he Aare arrived, Sir Rupert. Sir Rup. So 1 understand from Mr. Srvrreii. Is he here still Tred. He is, Sir Rupert. I—I considered it my dooty not to allow him to leave the house, not feeling-—— Sir Rup. Quite right, TrEpWELt. I should have been most seriously annoyed if I had found that a guest we were all anxiously expecting left the Court, owing to some fancied—— Where is he now ? Tred. (faintly). In—ia the Verney Chamber. Leastways Sir Rup. Ah. (He glances at Srur- RELL.) Then where——? But that can be arranged. Go up and explain to Mr. Unpersnect that we have only this moment heard of his arrival; say we understand that he has been obliged to come by a later train, and that we a be delighted to see him, just as r€ 18, ps Spurrell (to himself). He was worth looking at just as he was, when J saw him ! Tred. Very good, Sir Rurerr. (70 himself, as he departs.) If 1’m not precious careful over this job, it may cost me my situation ! Spurr. Sir Rorent, I've been think- ing that, after what’s occurred, it would probably be more satisfactory to all parties if I shifted my quarters, and—and took my meals in the House- keeper's Room. [Lady Marsre and Lady Ruopa utter inarticulate pro- testa, Sir Rup. My dear Sir, not on any account—couldn’t hear of it! My wife, I’m sure, will say the same. Lady Culverin (with an effort), 1 hope Mr. Srverer. will continue to be our guest precisely as before—that is, if he will forgive us for putting him into another room—— Spurr. (to himself). It’s no use; I can’t get rid of ’em ; they stick to me like a lot of highly-bred burrs! (Aloud, in despair.) Your ladyship is very but—— Well, the fact is, I’ve only just found out that a young lady I’ve long been deeply attached to is in this very house. She’s a Miss Emma PuiLiirson—maid, so I understand, to Lady Marste—and, without for one moment wishing to draw any comparisons, or to seem un- grateful for all the friendliness I’ve received, I really and truly rather more of my Emma’s society! Sir Rup. (immensely relieved). Perfectly natural! and—hum sorry as we are to lose you, Mr. SpvrRELL, we—ah—mustn’t be inconsiderate enough to keep you here a moment longer. I glad—about Emma, you know. She shake . Lady Rhoda. So do I. [ - fay ard And mind you don’t forget about that liniment, you know. Captain Thicknesse (to himself), Maisie don’t eare a hang! And I was ass enough to faney But there, that’s all over now ! “T’m so very glad—about Emma, you know!” would feel myself more comfortable in a circle where I could enjoy daresay you will find the young lady in the Housekeeper’s Koom—anyone will tell you where it is.... Good-night to you, ned and, remember, we shall expect to see you in the field on uesday. Lady Moise, Good-night, Mr, Spurrett, and—and I’m so very | I hope you will both be very happy. | but we’ve been t ir. SP |you all this time; so we never thought of inquiring whether |met you in the Verney Cham Scene XXVIIL—The Verney Chamber. Undershell (in the dressing-room, to nr es I wonder how long I’ve been locked up here—it seems hours! almost mae they ve forgotten me altogether.... Someone hascomein.... If it should be Sir Ruperr!! Great Heavens, what a situation to be found in by one’s host!... Perhaps it’s only that fellow SrumRExx; if so, there’s a chance. (The door is unlocked by TREDWELL, who has lighted the candles on the dressing-table.) It’s the butler again, Well, I shall soon know the worst! (He steps out, blinking, with as much dignity as possible.) Perhaps you will kindly inform me why I have been subjected to this indignity ? Tred. (in perturbation). I think Mr. Unpers#e11, Sir, in common fairness, youll admit as you’ve mainly yourself to thank for any mistakes that have occurred; for which I ’asten to express my pussonal regret. y Und. So long as you realise that you have made a mistake, I am willing to overlook it, on condition that you help me to get away from this place without your master and mistress’s knowledge. Tred, It’s too late, Sir. They know you’re ’ere! Und, They know! Then there’s no time to be lost. I must leave this moment ! Tred. No, Sir, excuse me; but you can’t hardly do that now. I was to say that Sir Rupert and the ies would be glad to see you in the Droring Room himmediate. Und. Man alive! do you imagine anything would induce me to meet them now, after the humiliations I have been compelled to suffer under this roof ? Tred. If you would prefer anything that has taken place in the Room, Sir, or in the stables to be ’ushed up—— m@ Und Prefer it! If it were only ssible! But they know—they know! WVhat’s the use of talking like that ? Tred. (to himself). I know where I am now! (Aloud.) They know nothink up to the present, Mr. UnDERSHELL, nor yet I see no occasion why they should—leastwise from any of Us. Und, But they know I’m here; how am I to account for all the time—— ? Tred. Excuse me, Sir. I thought of that, and it oce to me as it might be more agreeable to your feelings, Sir, if I conveyed an impression that you had only just arrived—aving missed your train, Sir. Und. (overjoyed). How am I to thank you? that was really most dis- creet of you—most considerate ! Tred. I am truly rejoiced to hear you say so, Sir. And I’ll take care nothing leaks out. And if you'll be kind enough to follow me to the Droring Room, the ladies are waiting to see you. Und. (to himself). I may actually meet Lady Maisie Mott after all! (Aloud, recollecting his condition.) I’m in such a horrible mess ! Sir; there ’s a little white on your (He gives him a But I can't go down like this. Tred. 1 reelly don’t perceive it, \ eoat-collar behind. Allow me—there, it’s off now. hand-glass.) If you’d like to see for qonseat, Und. (to himself as he looks). A little pallor, that’s all. I am more presentable than I could have hoped. (Aloud.) Have the kindness to take me to Lady CuLVERIN at once, Scene XXIX.—The Chinese Drawing Room, A few minutes later. Sir Rup. (to UnpEeRsHELL, after the introductions have been gone through). And so you missed the 4.55 and had to come on by the 7.30, which stops everywhere, eh? Und. It—it certainly does stop at most stations. Sir Rup, And how did you get on to Wyvern—been here long ? Und. N-not particularly long. Sir Rup. Fact is, you see, we made a mistake. ing that young fellow, Mr. Spurkett, Very ridiculous, for It was only just now he told us how he’d ber, and the very handsome way, if you will allow me to say so, in which you had tried to efface yourself. you’d come or not.

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Novempsr 10, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———— Und. (to himself). I didn’t expect him to take that view of it! (Aloud.) I—I felt I had no alternative. ‘ {Lady Matsie regards him with admiration. Sir Rup. You did an uncommon fine thing, Sir, and I’m afraid you received treatment on your arrival which you had every right to resent, Und. (to himself). 1 hoped he didn’t know about the Housekeeper’s 200m! (Aloud.) Please say no more about it, Sir Rupert. I know now that you were entirely innocent of any-——— Sir Rup. (horrified). Good Gad! you didn’t suppose J had any hand in fixing up that booby trap, or whatever it was, did you? Young fellows will get bear-fighting and playing idiotic tricks on one another, and you seem to have been the victim—that’s how it was. Have you had anything to eat since you came? If not— Und. (hastily), Thank you, I—I have dined. (To himself.) So he doesn’t know where, after all! Iwillsparehim that. Sir Rup. Got some food at Shuntingbridge, eh? Afraid they gave you a wretched dinner ? f are Und, Quite the reverse, I assure you. (70 himself.) Considering that it came from his own table! ‘ Lady Maisie (in an u e, to Captain THIcKNessz). GERALD, you remember what I said some time ago—about poetry and poets ? Capt. Thick. Perfectly. And I thought you were uite right. Lady Maisie. I was quite wr I didn’t know what I was talk- ing about. Idonow. Good night. (She crosses to UN DERSHELL. ) Good night, Mr. Brarm, I’m so very glad we have met a last ! the goes, Und. (to himself, rapturously). She’s not freckled ; she’s not even sandy. She’s lovely! And, by some unhoped for good fortune, all this has only raised me in her eyes. I am more than qempenentes ! Capt. Thick. (to sone I may just as well get back to Alder- shot to-morrow—now. I’ll go and prepare y C.’s mind, in case, It’s hard luck; just when everything seemed goin’ right! I’d give somethin’ to have the other bard back, I know. It’s no earthly use my tryin’ to stand against this one! FEMINA DUX FACTI. The Tumulus, Parliament Hill, Nov. 5, Dear Mr. Poncnu,—Do not confuse me with a boa-constrictor story. Cursed be he that disturbs my bona fides ; and the above is my real address. True, the ancient Romans knew me as the Old Pretendress, but let that pass. What I want to know is this. Will nothing check the energy of the L. C. C. ?—nothing allay their fever for expurga- tion? Iam not a Promenader. I only ask to liestill. Nor a Living Picture either, and have not been for more than eighteen centuries. Talk of Roman noses! Why their eagle was a chicken compared with the London Carrion Crows! Such a power of scent! It is Guy Fawkes day, and I hear talk of blowing up the Lords. But surely one must draw the line somewhere this side of an insidious exhumation of the Monarch After all, if they do get at my bones, the real marrow of me has transmigrated into the New Woman. Sir, there were New Women in my day. We invented ev ing. I see the Daily Telegraph says they have found a pellet. That reminds me that after the death of my late husband, Prasvtacus, King of the Iceni (not to be confused with the PLiocent of about the same period), I was subjected to the most revolting barbarity at the hands of the Veterans (their ae was legionary), and I was obliged to invent a pellet-proof corset, Then, again, we held all the commissions in the army. How does Tacrrvs report my famous to the Queen Consort’s Own Regiment of Pioneers (new style)? ‘‘ Vincendum illa acie vel caden- dum esse. Id mulieri destinatum, Virerent viri et servirent.” Let the men live on in slavery! What a etic utterance! By the eS many Emancipated Women of the present day could ter Latin than that. Indeed, we took all the University degrees. I myself was an honorary felo de se. Don’t tell me that I am prehistoric, and that Tacrrus was a forger of the fourteenth century. No testimony is sacred now-a-days, not even the most profane! I conclude with a passage from Madame Saran Gray, which | think comes in rather well. Beneath this storied hump there lies concealed A heart once pregnant with a Righteous Plan, Hands that the rod of Empire used to wield, And whacked to ecstasy the human Man. A GAY WIDOW COURTED. Noruine could be better than’ the acting all'roundlin ‘the new three-act play at the Court. It is distinctly first-rate, and those who want a hearty laugh should proceed to the Court to enjoy it. And yet there is also serious relief, as there should be—light and shade. First there is Miss Lorrre Verne, who shows us that she ean mingle pathos with comedy, temper smiles with tears. She is as bright as sunshine in the comic scenes, and when she has to say ~bye to her newly- married daughter, she glides from peals of merriment into of sorrow that are in- tensely touching because they are intensely natural. Then Mr. Hawrney, in a part that fits him down to the ground (in the Stalls) and up to the ceiling (in the Gallery), is greatly amusing. And he, too, has his more mou moments. People accus- tomed to seeing this accomplished actor in butterfly touch-and-go parts would scarcely credit him with the power of becoming pathetically unmann And yet so it is, letter full of angry reproaches, ad to her solicitors, and gradu- ally forgets everything in his denpainins wipes Se the love he craves but which he fears he has lost. Nothing than this has been seen for a long time in a London theatre. Then Mr. Girsert Hare (inheritor of his father’s cleverness) causes roars of laughter by his comical sketch of a man with a cold, But here, again, the mirth is tempered with sympathy. The echo of the “ha, ha, ha,” in spite of its inappropriateness, is ‘* Poor fellow!” Mr. THoxwe, too, is good, and so is Mr. Riawton, and so is everyone concerned. FINISHING TOUCHES. “Canon Furse said he believed no man’s education was complete who did not attend public meetings.”— Daily News.] My classics were not shaky, nor my mathematics weak, My great linguistic fluency enabled me to speak In half-a-dozen anquones with quite surprising skill, And yet—I always felt it—there was something lacking still. But, though profoundly conscious of a lingering defect, The cause of imperfection I was puzzled to detect, But Canon Forse explains it; for I sorrow to relate, I shunned all public meetings, which accounted for my state. Well, over chances past and gone, ’twere idle to shed tears, I’m striving now to rectify fault of former years, And every afternoon and night I rush from street to street, Endeavouring to make my edu- cation more ‘* complete.’ Where Anti-Vivisectionists their armaments encamp, Where Democrats democratise, and stage-reformers ramp, _ Where fervent Ulstermen point out that Mortey is a fool, Where Parnellites insist upon the beauty of Home Rule ; Where lecturers with lanterns make the vice of drinking clear, Where publicans prove amply that our only hope is beer,- To each and all of these I come, a champion of the cause, And sit imbibing wisdom, and I join in the applause ; I join in the applause, and—yes! The Anti-Smoking cranks Invited me, not long ago, to move a vote of thanks ! Ah, happy, happy moment, when I stood, composed but proud, And looked at Mr. Chairman, and the hushed, expectant crowd ! Dear Mr. Punch, may you live for ever ; or, failing that, may no rude spoiler mar your * animated bust.” Excuse these disjointed | remarks, but I am writing in a barrow. Yours, in the spirit, BoaDICcEA. P.S.—I have thought of a proverb. New Women should be put into new tumuli, Yes, Canon Furse, I thank you for your warning so discreet ; Indeed, our education now is wholly incomplete Unless we meet and “* sympathise,” ‘‘ insist on,” and ‘‘ deplore,” And listen to the prattling Prig, the Faddist, and the Bore ! Home rok Apvertisers,—* Puffin Island.” Of course this is | only for those who find thems lves in ** many straits.” ; # } i : ‘

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He. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —___. [Novempgr 10, 1894. | Mh See ‘ * Ws Werte’ A Se = 7 4 a =——~. wv FE Sj ~ “Ss YRe — (y= = => —~—dS —— ~ S= : — —- — 4 DRAWING-ROOM INANITIES. “T urve mx Hrow Sreeer. Wuaere po rou tive?” He (greatly delighted to find they have something in common). ‘‘ Reatty!” She. **T urve rms Hiri Street, Too.” (After a moment's hesitation.) ‘‘ ANY PARTICULAR NuMBER?” THE CHIEF MOURNER. To where beyond these voices there is Peace.” Tennyson's “ Guinevere.” Peace! Lo! her hand is on thine heart at last. No boding echoes of the battle-blast, Whose hated sound thy — slumbers broke, Shall break the rest whereunto thou hast past. Earth's mightest autocrat, and yet a man Unwitched by War’s wrath-stirring rataplan ! A phantom haunted thee from the red snows Where with the blood of legions Plevna ran. Where War took on its deadliest, dreadfullest guise, The love of Peace possessed thee. Those closed eyes Frowned back Bellona’s long solicitings. Peace smiles on them, though lid on lid now lies. Peace smiles in love, and weeps in true lament, Mourner for one who, worn and trouble-bent, Yet with firm hand held fast the Janus gates, A despot’s aid to the dove-carrier lent. Therefore the hearts of freemen to thee warmed (ireat Autocrat, because the strong man armed, And irresponsible, kept sheathed the sword,— By Glory’s glittering lure unmoved, uncharmed. In uncheered isolation, fear-beset, Who shall divine what longing, what t, Ached in the heart within that Titan frame, How oft with anguish those stern eyes were wet ? Pinnacled in thy peril-com t, With Terror like a grey aa bodicy ehost Haunted continually, of what avail The boundless realm, the huge embattled host »— Of what avail to solace, gladden, bless ? From wife’s endearment or from child’s caress Starting dread shaken, Power sees danger lurk, In Peace more menacing than in War’s fierce press. | | But this man spurned not Peace in fear, nor shook In his allegiance to her; but would brook The fierce revilings of her angry foes Rather than face her with unfriendly look. ‘**Otus and Ephialtes held the chain” * That bound the mighty Mars, So through his reign He helped to hold the god in “** fetters bound,” The fierce false god who raged and roared in vain. So Peace beside his bed chief mourner stands, The Great White Tsar late lord of limitless Jands,— And on that broad brave breast, now still in death, Lays her own olive- branch with reverent hands, * Iliad, B. V., 478. Waar His Lorpsaie must gave Sarp.—A juryman in a recent case objected to a private soldier, who is a public servant, being de- scribed as ‘‘ one of the lower classes.” The Lorp Cuter Justice explained that the witness had said ** rough classes,” not ‘‘ lower,” adding his dictum that ‘‘ patent leather boots do not make a man first class.” This remark was @ propos de bottes; and what the Chief meant to say was evidently that ‘‘ patent leather boots were not to be considered as a patent of nobility.” When Franx Lock- woop, Q.C., M.P., Attorney-General, heard of it, he wept as for another good chance gone for ever. Caveut Punnine.—In some of the theatrical items for the week we see it announced that a certain playwright is at work on a comic opera which has for its subject Manon Lescaut, “If it is to be a travestie,” observed *‘ W. A.,” the World's Archer, who makes 4 shot at a pun whenever the chance is given him, “‘ then its title should of course be ‘ Manon Bur-Lescaut,’” “ Rerorw rv Conveyancine.”—Certainly, a reform much needed. Let us have some new Hansoms which are not ‘* bone-shakers” and whose windows will not act as so many guillotines, Some imnrov wlers (they have been a bit better recently), drawn by less ilapidated horses, would be a welcome additicn.

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1} i i i PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemeer 10, 1894, ) ‘ ATI \) yh) ‘ Y TN ON ah \ | | \ - TO WHERE BEYOND THESE VOICES THERE IS PEACE,”—Tennyson. \ \ / . | t / § \\ I Wy iN I | Mins : \ 1} | c , 1 fy ’ { f / : = . ’ H \ = 2 »\\ | 4 a) : BX '\ ’ ‘J BP pre La LL Tee) | Mee LUE “prong Wp, THE CHIEF MOURNER. ** —_. PAST = ‘ ~ 7 -_ eS EB — , — = _ = cae F~) RR. = x mN a ~ ¢ oo eo

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\ \| en cae ae cea | ee a ee rr ie

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—_—— Novemser 10, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 225 THE DECADENT GUYS. (A Colowr-Study in Green Carnations, ) Tuer were sitting close in their characteristic attitudes ; the knees slightly limp, and the arms hanging loosely by their sides ; Lord Raee1e TaTreRsaxt in the peculiar kind of portable chair he most affected; Fusriaw Furrrers in a luxurious sort of hand- barrow. The lemon-tinted November light of a back street in a London slum floated lovingly on their d forms, and on the great mass of weary cabbage-stalks that lay dreaming themselves daintily to death in the gutter at their feet. : They were both dressed very much alike, in loosely-fitting, fan- tastically patched coats. Racere was wearing a straw hat, with the crown reticently suggested rather than expressed, which suited his complexion very well, emphasising, as it did, the white weariness of his smooth face, with the bright spot of red that had appeared on each cheek, and the vacant fretfulness of his hollow eyes; he held his head slightly on one side, and seemed very tired. Foustian Furrrers had the regulation chimney-pot hat, beautiful with the iridescent sheen of decay ; he was taller, bulgier, and bulkier than his friend, and allowed his heavy chin to droop languidly forward. Both wore white cotton gloves, broken boots, and rather small magenta cauliflowers in their button-h« 1s. ‘My dear Racers,” said Mr. FLirrers, in a gently elaborate voice, and with a gracious wave of his plump straw-distended white fin- gers towards his compan- ion’s chair; ‘“‘ you are looking very well this after- noon. You would be per- fectly charming in a red wig and a cocked-hat, and achecked ulster with purple and green shadows YD the —. by — wear Le autifully, floating negli- gently over your shoulders, But you are wonderfully complete as you are!” ‘That is so true!” ac- quiesced Racere, with per- fect complacency. ‘‘I am very beautiful. And you, FUSTIAN, you are so ener- premeditated. od . ‘Isn't that rather self- My dear Raggie, you are look contradictory ?” said Racer, with his pretty quick smile. .“ Of course it is. Does not consistency solely consist in contra- dicting oneself? But I suppose I am a trifle décousu.” ‘You are. Indeed, we are both what those absurd clothes-dealing Philistines would call ‘ threadbare ’—you and I.” “T hope so, most sincerely, There is something so hopeless] little trees into brand-new suits of hideous non-arseni calls a ‘ fit Only exploded medi ought to have figures,” ** Had SHAKSPEARE a ? I thought it was only a bust.” | e Tuprea and Buyn and SHAKSPEARE “Clothes that fit,” observed Lord Racere, gravely, ‘are the respectable o natural penalty for ae dreadful deformity, a good figure. what a serious humourist would call ‘ running us in.’ ” ocrities ‘We must give them time. Already they have copied our distino- tive costume, caught our very features and colouring. Some day Toamas, ome day oy = adopt our mystic Ss symbol t is such a true symbol in possessing no meaning w er—the Magenta Cauliflower! And then—and then——.” ‘** Tt will be time for Us to drop it,” continued Mr. Fusrian Furrrers, with his pecular smile of inscrutable obviousness. ** Beautiful rose-coloured children!” murmured Lord Racarr, dreamily; ‘‘ how sad to think that they will all grow up and degenerate into pork-butchers, and generals, and bishops, and absurdly futile per- sons of that sort! But listen ; it is so sweet of them—they are going to sing an exquisite little catch I composed expressly for them, a sort of mellifiuously raucous chant with no tune in particular. t is where it is so wonderful. True melody is always quite tuneless!” One by one the wera poe am young voices chimed in, until the very lamp-posts throbbed and rang with the words, and they seemed to wander away, away among the sleeping pageant of the chimney-pots, away to the burnished golden globes of the struggling pawnbroker. “ Please ter remember. The Fifth o’ November. For Gun Powder Plot. Ter blow up the King and ’is Porliment. Shall never. Be. Forgot! Oller, Boys, Oller!” Lord Racare, with his head bent, listened with a smile parting the searlet thread of his lips, a smile in his pretty hollow eyes. ‘‘I wonder . Dy should be ex- d to pre —e prosaic and common crimeasthat,” hemeditated aloud: ‘‘a crime, too, that had not even the vulgar merit of being a success!” ““Only failures ever do succeed, really,” said Fus- TIAN, leaning largely over his w. “* How deli- ciously they are joggling us! n’t you like having your innermost shavings stimulated, Racore?” “There is only one stimulating thing in the world,” was the langui answer; ‘‘and that is a soporific. But see, Fus- TIAN, here comes one of those unconsciously absurd ene they call policemen. ae stiffly he holds him- sik Da = = any : . N going to blow u night pe q y is there some- You are so brilliant when - - thing so irresistibly ludi- you blow up.” , a \ crous about every creature “T have not decided that possesses a spine? either way. I never do. It rie: Perhaps because to be ver- will de upon how I aw ae tebrate is to be normal, and feel 7 7 let it =o, cal a is necessarily come if i e true — ——— such a hideous monstrosity. impromptu is invariably Ch eer ——""s Tevewlshescenliahwenped ” distorted figures. The only ing very well this afternoon.” real Adonis nowadays is a Guy.” And the shrill voices of the young choristers, detaching them- selves one by one from the melodic fabric in which they were enmeshed, ew fainter and fainter still—unti at last into silence. gr fai d fai ill il they sli last i il * Fustiay, did you notice? Oar rose-white adherents have abandoned us. They have run away—‘ done a guy,’ as vulgarians express it.” ‘** They have done two,” said Mr. Fiirrers correctively ; ‘* which middle-class about wearing perfectly new clothes. It always reminds only re the absolute sincerity of their devotion. Is not the whole me of that ridiculous Nature, who will persist in puttin her poor | art o' i fidelity comprised in mag | exactly when to betray ?” y; “ How original you are to-day, Fustian! But what is this crude every spring. As if withered leaves, or even nudity itself, woul net onl blue copper going to do with you and me? Can we be going to be in tely, more decent! I detest a coat that is what the world become notorious—really notorious—at last ?” ‘*T devoutly trust not. Notoriety is now merely a synonym for Lesmity. But he certainly appears to be engaged in ‘** How pedantic of him! Then shan’t we be allowed to explode at this evening ?” “It seems not. They think we are dangerous. How can one “* We shall have our little bust by and by, I suppose,” said Racere, tell? Perhaps we are. Give me alight, Ragare, and I will be brilliant pensively, “I wonder when, I feel in the m to sally forth and | for you alone. Come, the young Shoeblack bends to his brush, and paint the night with strange scarlet, slashed with silver and gold, | the pale-faced Coster watches him in his pearly kicksies ; the while our young votaries—beautiful pink boys in paper hats—let off shadows on the mussels in the fish-stall are violet, and the vendor marvellous pale epigrammatic crackers and purple paradoxical squibs of halfpenny ices ie washing the of his tumblers with primrose in our honour,” and with crimson. Let me be brilliant, dear boy, or I feel that I See, Racere, here come our youthful disciples! Do 4 not shall burst for sheer vacuity, and pass awa 1,88 80 many of us have look deliciously innocent and enthusiastic ? wish, though, we! passed, with all my combustibles still in me!” could contrive to imbue them with something of our own lovely And with gentle resignation, somee see is is merely limpness —they are so atrociously lively and active.” postpones, Lord Racere and Fustiaw FLitrens themselves That will come, Fosriay,” said Lord Racaere, indulgently. to be slowly moved on by the rude hand of an unsympathetic Peeler.

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—$$$___, 226 . PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novempgr 10, 1894. -— oe = @oe et ees ew oe OC Dw a te oc eS ent en Gh tate Gh ab PREHISTORIC LORD MAYOR’S SHOW.

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November 10, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE POLITE CUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE. (By an Affable Philosopher and Courteous Friend.) Toe CHorce or A Private SEcRETARY. Havine explained the mode of entering the service of the Crown by becoming the Secre- tary of the Pablic Squander Department, I now proceed to consider the best manner in which you should com ourself in that sition. The moment it is known that you ave the appointment you will re- ceive a deluge of letters recommending various aspiring young gentlemen for the post of Private . Of course the notes must be civilly answered, but on no account pledge yourself to one of the writers. And here ] may give what may be termed the golden rule of the service, “* always be polite to the individual in particular, and contemptuous to the public in general.” The tion of many generations of officials has been to re- gard outsiders as enemies, There may be small jealousies in « Government Depart- | ment, but every man in the place will stand | shoulder to shoulder with his fellow to repel | the attacks of non-civilians. And the word | “attack” has many meanings. cmeetenny everything is an attack. 1f an outsider asks | a question, the query is an attack. If an out- sider complains, the grievance is an attack. | If an outsider begs a favour, the petition is | an attack. If you bear this well in mind, you cannot go wrong. Adopt it as your) creed, and you may be sure that you will | become immediately an ideal head of a} baer Lay op ore 4 , | y that you have accepted your appoint- ment, and are prepared to take up at once the duties appertaining to your new position. No doubt during yeur “attacks” upon the Milestones you will have come across several of the officials of the Public Squander Depart- ment. So when you arrive in the hall of your new bureau you will be recognised at once by most of the messengers. You will be con- ducted with deference to your new quarters. You will find them very comfortable. Any number of easy-chairs. Large writing-desk. Several handsome tables. Rich carpet, rugs to match, and a coal-senttle with the depart- mental eypher. On the walls, and some armour. The latter, no doubt, has come from the Tower, or Holyrood, or Dublin | Castle. Most probably one of your pre- | decessors has given an official dinner in your room, and the armour is the result of the importunity of his Private Secretary. ‘I say, TeNTERFORE,” your predecessor has observed, ‘‘ don't you think these wall: are a bit bare? Don't you think you could | get them done up a bit ? ; “ Certainly, Sir,” TenTEeRFoRE has replied, and the result of his energy has been the trophies you see around you. TENTERFORE has applied to the people at the Tower, or Holsrood, or Dublin Castle, and got up quite a collection of quaint old arms. They have been duly received by the Public Squander Department, and retained. It is a rule of the bureau that anything that has been once accepted shall be kept for ever. That is to say, if itean be clearly proved that the things retained can be useful somewhere else. You look round with satisfaction, and then greet with effusion the chief clerk. He has been waiting to receive you. As you do not know the ropes, it is advisable to be civil to every poe MOS on, —_ you have ee istar prompt you, you can allow your cordiality to cool. ever, at this moment it is better to be extremely polite to all the world, and (if poet her) his wife. The sions of mutual be ou chief clerk is delig ted to exchange expres- respect and common good- | yrs SS >. | t He, ‘Have you READ THAT BEASTLY Book She. ‘Yes. I RATHER LIKED Ir.” He. HOW OPINION o a IS FORMED. Tas Mauve Proxy, sy Lapy Miopiesex!” **So pip I.” will. He will put in something neat about the Milestones as a concession to your labours in that direction. “My dear Sir,” you will reply with a smile, “‘ don’t bother yourself about them. I can them quite safe. We have nothing to fear from them.” The face of the chief clerk will beam. He will seethat you are one of them. Milestones for the future are to be defended, not attacked. He will accept you as an illustrious bureau- craticrecruit. He will see that yon are ready to stand shoulder to shoulder in defence of the office. Could anything be better ? Then for about the thirtieth time you will be asked if you have selected a private secre- tary, and the chief clerk will suggest his own particular nominee. With much cordiality you will receive the proposal, but keep the matter open. You must remember that upon the appointment your future success depends. Moreover, it is a nice little piece of patronage which you may as well retain for yourself. When you have selected retary it will be time to get into operation I hope to treat on some of this future ‘No Fees!”—The new seats in the Dru says instant they are v: the system of “‘ fees to attendants” is not abolished at T.R. Drary Lane. In theatres where it is abolished no “‘ tipping up” could possibly be permitted. Lane ‘*by an ingenious arrangement,” r. Clement Scort, in the Daily Tele- graph, ‘tip up’ of their own h acated,”’ Ph ide et Naa -

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL |Novemsgr 10, 1894. | | | OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. | Gleams of Memory; with Some Reflec- | tions, is the happy tithe of Mr. James Payn's last book, blished by Smrrn anv Exper. | The wit of the title flashes through every | page of the single volume. Within its | modest limits of space will be found not only some of the best stories of the day, but stories the best told. Not a superfluous word spoils the gems, which have been ruth- lessly taken out of their setting and spread widecast through the circulation of many newspapers reviewing the work. My Baro- nite, fortunately, has not space at his dis- posal to join in this act of flat, though seductive, burglary. He advises everyone to go to the book itself. The reader will find himself enjoying the rare privilege of intimacy with a cultured mind, and a heart so kindly that temptation to say smart things at the expense of others, which underlies the possession of overflowing humour, is resisted, apparently without effort. Like the German Emperor or Mr. Justin McCartuy, Mr. Pays probably ‘‘ could be very nasty if he liked.” He doesn’t like, and is therefore himself liked all the better. That little tale entitled The Black Patch, by Geatrupe Crar | Kexr-Seymer, introduces to the public a rather novel character in the | person of a Miss Clara Beauchamp an amateur female detective, to | whom Sueriock Hotmes, when he chooses to ‘‘ come out of his| ambush,” (for no one believes he fell over that ipice and was killed | about a year ago,) ought at once to propose. It would be an excellent | firm. CLana would make our Hotmes happy, and a certain advertising medicine provider bearing the same name as the heroine of this sport- ing story would have another big chance of increasing his ‘* hoard- ings.”” The Baron, skilled as he is in plots, owns to having been now and again puzzled over this one which clever Ciara the Clearer soon makes apparent to everybody. The story is a working out of the description of twins, how ‘each is so like both that you can’t tell | t’other from which.”” But mind you, not ordinary biped twins—oh | dear no—they are....No....the Baron —— a lady's secret, | and recommends the inquisitive to get the book and penetrate the | mystery. | To all those who like a mystery, and who gratefully remember | Froxence Warpen's House on the Marsh, let the Baron recommend | A Perfect Fool, by the same authoress. Dickensian students will be struck by the fact of a “* Mr. Dick” being kept on the premises. He isa caged Dickie, poor chap ; but, like his ancestor the original Mr. Dick, he sets everybody right at last. The Baron dare not say more, lest he should let the Dickie out of the cage. The only disappointment, to old-fashioned novel-readers, at least, who love justice to be done, and the villain to receive worse than he has given, is in the moral of the tale; yet in these decadent Yellow Asterical and Green Car- national days it is as good as can be wished. Frorence WARDEN is neither priggish nor Church-Wardenish ; and so, when the scoun- drel—— Bat here, again, the Baron must put his finger to his lips, and ask you to read the story; when, and not till then, he may imagine whether you do not agree with him, “ Mystere!” Curiosity has ever m a weakness of human nature, and that seems to be the only reason why so many make themselves uncom- fortable by taking qmene s to the Pole. Imitating Nansen, Gorpow Stanres, M.D., R.N., sends his hero To Greenland and the Pole, which he reaches after much “ skilébning”’ (the book must be read to grasp its meaning), and receiving a chilly but polite welcome, with the arrogance of an Englishman bresks the cold silence by singing the ‘* National Anthem,” when of course the Pole is thawed at once ! _ Writes a Baronitess Junior, “‘ Those little boys and girls who de- light in fairy lore will find a charming story of magical adventures | in Maurice ; or, the Red Jar, by the Countess of Jersxy, or more | appropriately Countess of Jarsey. It is fantastically illustrated by | Kosre M. M. Prrmay, and published by Macmitran & Co., and) shows how unpleasant a jar can be in a family, And yet has not | the poet finely said, ‘ A thing of beauty is a Jar for ever!’” The Baron is anxiously expecting the 4a ce from The Leadenhall Press of Mr. Tver’s Chap-book. Of course, all ‘the Chappies”’ from “Chap 1” to “* Last Cha. ” are on the look out for | it. The Baron fancies it will be a perfect fac-simile, and if not per- fect, the merciful critie who is merciful to his author will say with the poet Pors “ Tu er is human,” which is a most pope-ular quotation ; while as to the latter half of | the line *‘ to forgive, divine ””—that, in a measure, is one of the un- | strained prerogatives of the Benericeyt Baron ve B.-W. | Nh sera Ful on ‘a : My Ke | WH HT h ! LM A SLIGHT ADAPTATION. (Suggested by the recent Debate (Ladies only) at the Pioneers Club on the | Shortcomings of the Male Sez.) Nova mulier vociferatur more Whitmanico. Come my modern women, Follow me this evening, get your numbers | ready, Have you got your latechkeys? have you your members’ axes ? Pioneers! O Pioneers ! To the club in Bruton Street We must march — | gm cne and alla great ensemble, We the strenuous lady champions, all ex- tremely up to date, Pioneers ! O Pioneers! O you girls, West-End girls, O you young revolting daughters, full of manly pride and manners, Plain I see you West-End girls (no reflection on your features !), Pioneers! O Pioneers! Have our lords and masters halted ? Do they humbly take a back-seat, wearied out with adame Saran Granp? We take up the dual garments, and the eyeglass and the cycle, Pioneers! O Pioneers! From North Hampstead, from South Tooting, From far Peckham, from the suburbs and the shires we come, All the dress of comrades noting, bonnets, fashions criticising, Pioneers! O Pioneers! We primeval fetters loosing, We our husbands taming, vexing we and worrying g@ Mrs, Grunpy, We our own lives freely living, we as bachelor-girls residing, Pioneers! © Pioneers ! Literary dames are we, Singers, speakers, temperance readers, artists we and journalists, | Here and there a festive actress (generally | to be found in our smoking-room), | Pioneers! O Pioneers ! Raise the mighty mistress President, | ’ Waving high the delicate President, over | all the Lady President (bend your heads all), Raise the warlike Mrs. M-ss-nox-p, stern impassive Mrs, M-ss-NnGB-D, Pioneers I O Pioneers ! . a This sort of thing goes on for about twenty more verses, for which | readers are kindly referred to the original in Leaves of Grass. It really applies without any farther adaptation. A “MAN IN ARMOUR” TO THE MULTITUDE. | On Lord Mayor's Day. Rememper, remember, the Ninth What Council Committee will of November! choke up the City A civic procession you’ve got! With mobs and a smile on each I know no reason why L. C. C. face ? (drama. treason (pot. The old “* panorama” ’s a popular Should send the old custom to, Analderman may be a glutton; There is a great glamour about But multitudes jog after Maco men in armour, and Goe {Horron. Will London turn out all a-pant Who don’t care a button for At sound of the bugle to stare at So remember, remember, the McDoveatt, Ninth of November ! Or hear Mrs. Onmiston Cuant? _ A holiday glorious you ’ve got; Though city crowds hurtle to But “unification” will rob the welcome the turtle, whole nation : And shout at the Mayor and Of one good old spree—which the mace ; is rot! en M A ib 101 | | 4 | _—_ =... OOO -

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemese 10, 1894 isiacialahaeates OF ALL DEALERS. THE GORDON HOTELS CO., Lid,

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—- tract, and where in the meantin Vy | of — ef che payor TAL rs “ee ie by Wine Merchants, all leading Clubs, Hl ot« SOLy EVER and Restaurants. And of YW . . Bole Consignees, BEETS & COLLINGWOOD, ‘ ‘ of Finé Linen —S ee tee Wize Carte CORDON weTELs. ‘ ° INSTRUCTIONS to prevent the FRAYING JEWSBURY & BROWN’S a ; a ‘e, ‘ wen Sn, xine Suite LW... aad the Ri of CUFFS and COLLARS, also the where- aa ail crates =. the United withal for a practical test, sent post free on rien = om “fae sg — “ Superior Vintage Wines of Italy.” application to R. 8. HUDSON, Bank Hall, LONDON, E.C. Liverpool, aie a of = Tooth: igh HUDSON 4 SOAP seWsBuRY Paste. A Fine Powder—in Packets. ~ prown,

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PUNCH, OR SMOKE THE CELEBRATED | “PIONEER SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD. MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lro., AT THEIX BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL, And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. These famous hand or tripod cameras, whilst embodying the most advanced ideas in camera construction, are the simplest and most compact Photographic imstru- ments made Equally suitable for boy or girl, novice in photography, or photographic expert. From « to roo pictures can be made without recharge Strongly recommended by travellers in all parts of the globe Prices from £1:6: 0 to £22: 1: 0. Illustrated Catalogue free on application. Manufactured solely by EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., ’ 85-117 OXPORD ST., LONDON. PARIS: «4 Place Vendome. GOLD PENS from 4s. each. OLD PENS THE ORLY PERFECT DIPPING PEN. PENS GOLD AND IRIDIUM POINTED GOLD PENS RUITABLE FOR ANY HOLDER. PENS EVERLASTING IN WEAR PENS IMPROVES THE MANUWRITING. GOLD PENS A POSITIVE CURR FOR WRITERS CRAMP GOLD PENS SECURES REGULARITY OF WRITING. GOLD PENS MADE TO SUIT EVERY HAND AND STYLE. Catatoous amo Pace Leet om arruscation. MAILE, TODD, & BAK), Manufacturers of Gold Pens and “6wan” Fountain Pens, 8, Cacarsipe, Lesvos, E.C.. and Wha, Recent Sracer, w Piceadilly Knd Established 1645.) HOWARD BEDFORD FODDER PRESSES. | | S iS S S = S iy A S; THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemner 10, 1894. FOR CLEANING, SCOURING, AND SCRUBBING 2 sease| PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. /| FLOORS, KITCHEN TABLES, LINOLEUM, AND OIL CLOTHS. | FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR RODS. FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE IRONS, MANTELS, &c. REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c, +C Sale, Hire, aad on Three Years’ System. JOUN BRINSMEAD & 60N8, 8, 20, and 22, Wiomone Srazer, Loxvos, W. Tlyrtle JOHN, BRINSMEAD &SONS'| DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA TADDY and C2-5 CIGARETTES. PALA PO OO \ SWEET. COOL FRAGRA Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. 90, Loraine Hollows: Parish — a : Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitetriass, In the City of Lenton, aaa publiched U7 bins el io’ 6s. Pies" Surces, ts tne Famab of Bt Betd-, For ACIITY or rus STOMACH, HEARTBURN, MEAVACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION, Sold throughout the World. Grovel | A TOILET POWDER COMPLEXION. ALSO FOR THE NURSERY,

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caom GORDON HOTELS ~“ - 4. ~

turned, Pictures of any description, will in no ease be re Si as 4 2) . Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. > | -_ fe) id =] Fk id w ” ra (2) w Z Q J (+) = a PRICE THREE PENCE. ed 7 ‘ai Py ws | "3 > } wm ay. (| fe i Mf, ay 7 A chy, 0 ‘ { 4. iy }s cag Ni wl I a : Sas i ae i" Pa LON ery LF ay < KY wall i) el a a % RY ae =. 7 PUNCH OFFICE, x FLEET STREET, aay! 7). ta 9 LONDON or not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

@@” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings,

[CHOCOLAT MENIER a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Novemser 17, 1 894. | REVERSIBLE PREMIUM PLAN. ENDOWMENT ASSURANCE. With Profits SAVORY and.MOORE’S Sum assure! payable at death or at a giv say bb, 00, oF 6 whichever happens fir __SSED IM TEE DOTAL WURSERIES Tins, 1s, 2s., Ge., and 10s., everywhere. ee an Sen ee S. & H. HARRIS’S | S. & H. HARRIS’S pany sn annuity equi HARNESS COMPOSITION a BLACKING entt minms hitherto pu Warrarnoor TERF ROOF Por Roots, Shoes, arn a the cum a still payable at death all Slack Leather articles S, APPLY TO SADDLE PASTE POLISHING PASTE aTERP ROO! a ‘& H. HARRIS. Manufactory: ‘LONDON, E. THE STANDARD |— SOLID “SILVER | EIDERDON. ask FoR MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (Reop.) The Finest Stock in the World. GOLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” | SAVE YOUR LIVES BY TAKING i sie «xx-_|QWBRIDGE’S ANTI-MOTH LUNG TONIC. Will not harm a kitten, but fatal to moths. Of ists, One Shilling, or ffum t. = THE MIGHTY HEALER. | has a power over disease hitherto unkr , Yorks. in medicine, You A COUGH? VE “UNEQUALLED The Spasms of Whooping Cough become les with each dose of the medicine. Prepared by W. T. et myo a Chemist, Hull Sold in Kettles. és. 6d., and lis., all Chemists and : tent Medic ine Vendors In Curing | Torturing KODAK These famous hand or tri whilst embodying the most in camera construction and most ments made. ually suitable for boy or girl, novice nm photography, or photographic expert. From 1 to too pictures cam be made re ap cameras, vanced ideas , are the simplest hie instru- Disfiguring GOLFING AND Skin Diseases THREE-QUARTER CAPES, & RUGS, DRESSING-GOWNS, ULSTER COATS, &c. “ Rook of the Ulster,” fully iustrated, ails carte rth obe ok a Nuestra a s') e e and Pull Set of natherne, Post Free P s! BOYD & CO., «, Bridge St, BELFAST. Be web: £1: wt, “geet tr da | Manufactured solely by EASTMAN ded by travellers in REAL OfRMAy ‘Works Wonders. = 08 ee PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. * How to Cure Skin Diseases,” 72 pages, free. ‘BEST FOOD ror INFANTS ~ Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. POST FR LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. | Vs ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Funds 78 Millions Stg. ORIENT COMPANY'S YACHTING Fran euren treet (Head Office Of Highest Quality, and Having sac OR CRUISES »y the. stoamenips 1 LUSIT om, a, King William Street, E.C Greatest Durability, are Therefore ter, from London as « under:—For TENERI i Pall Mall Bast, 8.W CHEAPEST. CO ae —— aa Denii,.66, Upper ille Street = —f For MOROCCO, SICILY, PALESTIN} Drawches @ A lia & the Colonies “HEAVIEST POSSIRLE PLATING Fe PLATE. Show Rooms: 112, REGENT ST., W. Bronchitis and Asthma tt relieves instantly. by | Gticura bay m Fray or drying Ye in NEVER Phot } 1 den Oct ae sas Pair-baire 4 Ladies Seid throughout the ld. Price, Crrr- REQUIRE ogrephic Materials Co. Ltd., CURA, 24. oan Goce, ~ by --* —_, 2s. 3d. and aoe bee ; it A me any! RIND: 115 ¥. Newperr & Sons, 1, King Edward Street, perf bottles, OF al Perfumers 18-117 OXFORD ST., LONDON. | J nton, EC. SOLD EVER\ WHERE. | | “THE BERLIN PHOTOGRAPHIC : COMPANY 1535 NEW BOND > STREET LO IDON W \A Fine Art Photographd and Photograt ures of Celebrated Pictures) EA ivwusteatep | CATALOGUE nd leaving 20th 7 returnin th Apr SOUTH OF SPAIN « tECH,Co} Lstanste P &c., Soovtna 2 ‘th March, returning |3th May Stri ng band, electric light, electric bells, hut cold baths, high-class cuisine) Managers & Co., Anderson, Anderson & Co. Head Of charch Avenue. For passage = gg » the at 5, Fenchurch Avenue, London We W est-End Branch | End Kranch Office, » 6, ¢ Ce ockspur | Str HOVIS HOVIS HOVIS Further particulars from S. FITTON AND SON, Millers, Macclesfield. 3 | |}PURE CUMBERLAND LEAD ADAPTED FOR THE PATENT EVER-POINTED PENCIL Sizes H, M, VS, W. S. MORDAN & CO, Parewrees axp Mawvractreners, LONDON, ROWLANDS MACASSAR OIL Nourishes and Preserves the Hair makes it Soft and Silky, and is th sowertee nam orang DIAMOND PHEASANT BROOCH. adie: tt 2— LONDON. Streets et ~— ouBen 18, NEW BOND ST., W. Telephone : No. a

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ERLIN RAPHIC INY | v BOND! -ON DON w! otography| ‘avures off d Picturea) STRATED | iLOGue FRee 5 | Novemoer 17, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 229 ‘ ' ' 4 Wy 1 | A FITTING OPPORTUNITY. Comfortable Citizen (to Irish Beggar, who has asked for an old Coat). | “ BuT WHAT USE WOULD MY THINGS BE To you! You ’RE sUCH A ScaRE-cROW, AND I’m so sTouT!” Irish Beggar. ‘‘ AN, YER Honour, BUT IT’S YOURSELF THAT HAS PLENTY OF SPARE CLOTHES |” TO MOLLY. (By Q. H. Guapstontvs Fiaccvs, Junior.) Sweet maid, your name I dream of incessantly, For, like your voice, it sounds very pleasantly, Moll: et canora voce dulcis, Yomine dulcis es usque molli, It has a charming old-fashioned smack to it, Beau BruMMELL’s age—it carries one back to it, Powder and patch, and rustic maiden Name with the scent of the hayfields laden. Then English maid was sweet as a maid may be, This age as changed her, made her less staid, may be, ’Mongst other follies now it’s taught her How to become a “‘ revolting daughter.” Poor blind revolting daughter! I pity her— You ’re just as clever, probably prettier. In sweet content maid’s sphere adorning, Yellow-Asterical problems scorning. May these be “ fandi mollia tempora,” Your smile can make me proud as an emperor, But swift my cares, should you be frowning, I’ll in deep waters (and strong) be drowning Accept my ode! Don’t ‘‘ think it too odious,” Sweet maid in name and voice so melodious, Molli et canora voce dulcis, Nomine dulcis es usque molli. CLEARLY wor res LeapeR or tHe Frock.—Of course, the reverend gentleman cannot be considered as a shepherd as long as his name is Head-lam. ~ LETTERS TO A DEBUTANTE. Dearest Giapys,—You have made immense progress since you first came out. Still, you will be all the better for an occasional hint from your more sophisticated friend. Your brief engagement to the serious young stamp-collector was—whatever may be said against it —at least, an experience, and I don’t at all disapprove of Cissy, and Basy Beaumont, and the other clever boys, but—why call Captain Masnineton “Jack”? That wonderful tennis- player, Mrs. Lonye Horern has merely, tacitly, lent him to you, she will soon be in London again, and then, shooting and theatricals over, ‘**Jack” will also go back to the city of mist and fog. You will be obliged to return him, whether ‘‘ with thanks” or not. He is defi- nitely charming, but charmingly indefinite. and, in fact, he is playing with you as an OrrEL played with each other, as Miss Toocoop is now playing with Orret, and as someone (let us hope) will, some day, play with Miss Too- GOOD. course, as long as you both know it’s a game and “* play the rules” it’s all right. enjoyed your letter telling me how “ splen- didly” the theatricals went off, and that “everyone said it was a great success.” My dear child, you are delightful—quite refresh- ing; and have kept, in all its early bloom, your astonishing talent for believing that people mean, literally, what they say. How on earth ean you, or any of the other performers, know whether it was a success or not? Of course everyone said it was, Quite so; who would be rude enough to say it was a failure? The more atrocious the performance, the more praise it would get. Guests invariably flatter amateurs to their faces; and, on the other hand, however admirable it may have been, they nerer fail to abuse it to everyone else. I don’t know whether it’s jealousy, or simply irritation at being obliged to sit still (generally in the dark), and look on while others are showing off and enjoying themselves ; but I do know that | they criticise severely, without exception, all amateur entertain- |ments. As Iam your most intimate friend, of course people think it safe to disparage you to me, and I have had various accounts. All the men caer t it was ‘‘ awful rot,” and the women that it was quite absurd, very dull, and as long as the Cromwell Road; that our dear Cissy was quite too ridiculously conceited as a manager, attempting effects, suitable only for Drury Lane, on a tiny drawing- room stage; for instance, those l stone steps, on which you were to *‘ trip down,” and over which you tripped up. You see, my informant caught you tripping ! ‘ : Cissy, poor incompetent darling, made, it seems, touching attempts to be “topical,” and “up to date,” by allusions of the tritest and lamest description to the Empire, the Czar, and dyna- mite, and by wearing a huge carnation, The whole thing com- pletely missed fire, | am told; and was the usual tedious exhibition of complacent young vanity. You’re too sensible to be offended, dear, especially as I can no more form a judgment from their description than from yours—knowing you all to be prejudiced. However, I quite believe you looked sweet in your pretty costume, and I wish I had been there to see thefun, Last night, at dinner, I met your old admirer, Mr. Gotpperrer. He told me he wanted to be married, and asked me ‘‘to look out for a nice wife for him,” I am afraid the sort of man who says that lives to be an old . Leould have looked after him better, but that on my other side was a person in whom I take great interest ; that is to ony, Sommeeme I have only just met. The Lrow Tarmenrs would like . He is a writer, ectly “‘ new”; and at present the cause of great disputes as to who discovered him. He settled on his pose ; at present, he’s a little undecided about it. I began with my usual formula, “I am so interested in your work, doubtfal of me at first, but I think we shall become friends. He said nothing about having met me in a ious existence, did not ask if 1 believed in instantaneous sympathy, and omitted to inquire which | was not my day at home. So, you see, he is not quite like everyone else. Before the end of dinner, he had spoken, very respectfully, but not unfavourably, of my eyes, he is going to send me bis book | Enchantment. He belongs to the new literary school they call “* Sensitivists,” I wonder what it means! Good-bye, dear. Ever your loving MARJORIE, “Nori Mepicasrmis Hess,” &c.—A youthful author suffering from a violent attack of the critics. Not having read a line of his, or even knowing he was an author, | VOL, CVIL. x is beantiful, of course young, and will be yery ble when he has | Mr. pe Trovvartie” (he’s French by descent). He was a little | [

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230 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 17, 1894, | | N 4 Z OZ Lf /p- vise Ao Ts | ee the 2 ZaZz U2. YU (Fe mw Z } rrr - Cc Cr --c r-—or - : | . 7/7 fuel , f a | 17} Yi iff Ys yj i. \ y \ dit tI ft) i) to ft. SUI | Uf Yf YY yf “t \\ SS Le ||| : “y Y ff} Y ay SS Ya a vi J Y M7, Z - \\ \\ j — yy); fi! Me: Lb a CS NY , SW, g ( = yin on \\ \ Siam - \ >, SS i, See 2 Si : , \ o > “seerrae : le : af z a a | E | rs z | 2 | Ww 2 | f & x a4 ’ -y : | ED 2: O ¢ O 5 { a? | . 4 ss =.=

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% a F ° eo) 2 - Z = g : i ) a Zz x ° Z 9° 12) z (Muses. Juvenis (taking advantage of the o, - which | are one or two little matters u or example, want to take your opinion. CxerLivs—— = sPrpalace to such a degree, tunity). Well, my dear GLapstonrivs, there Senez (quickly). ** Cacirvs, who provoked that CicrRo ardly restrain them from doing him you want me to play the part A GOOD

GUESS. First’ Arry (who has been reading City Article), ‘I say, wHaT’s ‘Briguton A's’ mgAN 1?” Second’ Arry (of a Sporting turn). ‘‘‘ Bricnton ’ARgrEeRs,’ I s’poss,”

Jurenis (taken aback). Well — ahem !— hardly that, perhaps. But—— Senex (interrupting him). My dear Primvua, as I have already said in response to an appeal from a friend of the modern Orprtius (not like Horace’s pedagogue, * Plagosus,” though), ‘‘ After a contentious life of fifty-two years, I am naturally anxious to spend the remainder of my days in freedom from controversy.” Juvenis. Oh! Quite so—of course, But ahem !—the people are a little pressing —— Senex, Eh? To hurtful measures? What says Avcustvs’s “ pleasant mannikin” again, a propos ? [Thrums. Justum et tenacem propositi virum Non civium ardor prava jubentium, Non vultus instantis tyranni, Mente quatit solida neque Auster, Dux inquieti turbidus Hadriae, Nec fulminantis magna manus Jovis; Si fractus illabitur orbis, Impavidum ferient ruine. ‘retired from business,” like your belov

violence,” of Cicero ?

Juvenis. Doubtless. One such as yourself, | Horace on his Sabine farm. : ** Ile potens sui Leetusque deget, cui licet in diem Dixisse Vixi:” But of me it cannot—yet —be said— ‘* He, master of himself, in mirth may live Who = J rest well pleased with former a _ Senex, Hah! Sir Jous Beavmont’s ver- sion. Not so bad, but might be improved, I think. By the way, why should not you and I do the ‘* Satires ”— together ? Juvenis, Charmed, I am sure. Just now, however, I fear I’m a little too busy. Senex. Pooh! Only occupies one’s odd moments, and is as easy as shaving, or shaping a new Constitution. For example, I’ll give you an impromptu version— if you like—of it“ A ‘* Meecenas atavis edite regibus.”’ Juvenis, Oh! thanks, so much! Only—— Senex, It won’t take ten minutes. Listen! [Tunes up and sings. Ap Roseperiam,

Paiuvta, from old Seotia eprung | My chos’n successor, though so young!

Sep fee rb oo 1 any ou nes aNd

=" intial an tall as dnt sachet temic aay oe.

ce

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232 —$—_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novmesmn 17, 1894, |

———————

WONDERFUL WHAT AN Brown (newly married WHAT DID YOU THINK OF Us, OLD Boy, ma?” Jones. “‘On, pretry Fiat.

. ADJECTIVE WILL DO. to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings previously). ER—AWFULLY PRETTY Fiat!” * WALL,

You, ’midst Olympian dust delight To whirl the chariot’s rapid flight. T’ll watch your glowing axles roll Nicely around the close-grazed goal. You hold the palm of wondrous worth Which late I wore upon the earth : = pa sole crown desire, And to un-veto’d power aspire. You ’ll have enough to rule the deep And Gaul placate, and Libya keep. I’m now a swain w To tune his pipe, and tend his soil. Not Asia's wealth tempts me to sail O'er faction’s deep, and brave the gale. Some say, though now, in love wit I shun the storms of party seas ; That soon I'll summon the old crew, And rig our shattered bark anew. Too much I love this ancient wine, Pressed from the old Venusien's vine! Lo my free limbs at leisure laid The old instruments that once I The harp, the banjo, hung aloft Hibernian airs, though sweet and soft, And Ethiopian minstrelsy, No longer have much charm for me. Now I er the Lydian lyre, And of bland Horace never tire. You youngsters like a martial life— The trumpet-challenge and the strife ; With ardour seek the tented plain. Your “ gauntlet ’s down” ! you gain ! For me, another line I choose, And, late in life, I court the Muse, Unmindful of Bellona’s charms, And the old stir of War's alarm. Ah! onee in full tilt I had borne Against C xcrx1vs full of scorn ; But Musie now seems more divine ! With ivy-wreaths my temples shine. Far from the world’s tumultuous throng, The nymphs seduce me with their song ; Here in cool grove I’m going to dwell. Like Horace, with “the sounding shell.” I feel a wish—sweet leisure’s fruit — Good may —<—$—— ith Polyhymnia I desire To Seana on the Lesbian lyre. | If, late, yee fame I rise, My brow indeed shall strike the skies,” | |, There! What think you of that—for an | impromtu ? | uvenis (rousing himself), Oh, excellent | —most excellent! How do you doit? And now, my dear GLapsTonivs, with your kind | permission, we will go—— | Senex promptly). To dinner! Exactly, | my dear Prva. Nune is bibendum, nune pede libero Pulsanda tellus, nunc Saliaribus, Ornare pulvinar deorum Tempus erat, dapibus, sodales, Come along, my boy!!! [Skips away, followed slowly by his guest.

FASHION AND FELONY. | Mr. Ponen, Sm,—Magistrates are begin- | ning, not a moment too soon, to protest against the ridiculous poekets in ladies’ dresses, which | afford such a temptation to the felonious | classes! I should like to draw attention to | | an invention of my own which, I think, quite | | meets the difficulty, It is called the ‘ Patent | | Unpickable Electrical Safety Pneumatic Com- | bination Purse- Pocket,” it does not matter |in the least in what part of the dress this | pocket is placed. No sooner is the thief's | band in contact with the purse than a power- ful voltaic circuit is at once formed, and b the principle of capillary attraction, coupl with that of molecular m isation, the hand is firmly imprisoned. tifie readers will readily understand how this happens. In his efforts to release his hand the thief touches a button, when an elect ‘Search light of five thousand candle-power is at once thrown around, a policeman’s rattle of a iarly intense tone is. set going, several land tor- pedoes discharge simultaneously from all sides of the dress, while the voice of a deceased judge issuing from a concealed phonograph pronounces a sentence of seven years’ penal servitude on the now conscience-stricken de- predator. Yours, Epison Junror. Sohn GHalter, Born 1818. Drep Novemper 3, 1894. [The unique characteristic of Mr. WaLTER’s life was his relation to The Times.”—Obituary Notice in the Times Newspaper.) Turep of the name, and worthy heir To the Great Journal's power—and care, He, too, has passed, and left a void None else can fill, A life employed In arduous duty to that page Which holds the history of an age, Is sound State-service, and demands Acclaim from British hearts and hands, A sober, serious Englishman, Steadfast of purpose, firm of plan, He held his great inheritance With strong clean hands, with cool clear nce. Unmoved by the hot moment, blown By no chance wind, he held his own Determined course, despite disfame From lips whose praise he held as shame. Or right or wrong, his high intent, Shaken by no weak sentiment, To manly souls was

| Aud mow In panes to Ba suet | Punch \ays his laurel on the bier Of one whom sorrow shook, not fear; _ Whose record o’er earth’s realms and climes | Lives in those words ‘‘ He was The Times” |

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a's | ry | | November 17, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 233 OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. A’ pepury-asststant of the Baron has been sing with great contentment The Catch of the County, by Mrs. Epwanp Kennaxp, bod a lad yee 5 ae ible for The Hunting Girl; ed to Sport, a number of other romances dear to the heart of those who follow the hounds. The deputy-assistant reports that he was delighted with the newest of the authoress’s novels, and found the three yolumes rather too short than too long. Now that London is in the midst of November and its fogs, those who dwell near the frosted-silvery Thames can : 3 take a real in stories of the - country. To sum up, The Catch of the County must (to adopt the slang of the moment) have “ caught on.” A fact that must. be as satisfactory to Mrs. Kennarp as to her readers. And when both supply and demand are pleased, Messrs. F. V. vo & Co., the pu s, must also (like Cox and Boz) be ** satisfied.’ A Baronitess writes: ‘‘ Gaily-bound Christmas books have been facing me for some time, and, with an insinuating look, seem to say, ‘Turn over a new leaf.’ Wedo; many new leaves.” BLACKIE AND Son could be ealled first favourites in the boys’ field of literature. They make a good. start with Wulf the Saxon and In the Heart of the Rockies both by G. A. Henry. They are both capital specimens of the Hentyprising hero. In Press-Gang Days. By Eowarp Picxerine. A story, nota newspaper romance, though it is a new edition of the type of the wicked uncle, who makes use of ‘‘ the liberty of the Press”’ to have his nephew bound—as if he were a book worth preserving—and taken off to sea. This proceeding made an impression on our good brave youth, who, after fighting with Netson, learnt that ‘‘ an Englishman should do his duty,” escapes a French prison, and returns to “‘ give what for” to his uncle, Most interesting and practical is The Whist Table, edited by Port- LAND, especially to those whose only idea of the game is after the style of the man in Happy Thoughts who knows that the scoring had something to do with a candlestick and half-a-crown. In this book they will find a oe hand which gives the ‘‘ c’rect’” card to play. Both these books, published by Jonn Hoae, are pio-culinsty gost. ‘‘A powerful finish,” quoth the Baron, leaning upon the chair- arm, and, like the soldier in the old ballad, wiping away a tear which he had most unwillingly shed over the last chapter of Children of Circumstance, ‘‘ a very powerful finish. There is some comedy, too, in the story (which, I regret to say, is spun out into three volumes)— rather Meredithian perhaps, but still forming some relief to the sick- nesses, illnesses and deaths—there are. certainly three victims of Iora’s steel and one doubtful—of which the narrative has more than its fair share.”” Of the comedy portion, the courtship of Jim and Rica is excellent. But where other novels err in superfluity of description and lack of dialogue, the fault of this one is just the other way, and the dialogues may be, not ‘skipped,’ but bounded over. Nothing of the earlier portion, nor the powerful final chapter of this story can be missed: as for the intermediate stage, when the intelligent and experienced novel-reader has once grasped the characters, he can drop in on them now and then, in a friendly way, and see how they are getting on. The Baron congratulates Messrs. MAcMILLAN on a charming little book called Coridon’s Songs, which are not all songs sung by that youthful Angler-Saxon whose parent was Izaak Watton, but also songs by Gay, Frecpine, and Anonymi. To these worthy Master Avstin Dowson hath written a mighty learned and withal enter- taining preface, the gems of the book being the illustrations, done by Husn Tomson in his best style, ‘‘ wherewith,” quotes the in- corrigible Baron, ‘I am Hughgely pleased.” Tis an excellent Christmas present, as, ‘‘if I may be permitted to say so,”’ quoth the Baron, sotto voce, ‘*to those whom Providence hath blest with friends and relatives expecting gifts in the coming ‘festive season,’ is also a certain single volume entitled Under the Rose, an illus- trated work, not altogether unknown, as a serial, in Mr. Punch’s pages, and highly recommen Tue Jopicious Baron pe Boox- Worms.” tus iy Unse.—Faney there being a “* Rural Dean of St. George’s, | | Hanover Square”! His name was mentioned one day last week in| the Times’ ** Ecclesiastical Intelligence.” It is the Rev. J. Stonns. | Not ‘‘Army and Navy Storrs,” nor “ General Storrs,” but ‘ Eccle- | siastical Storrs,” _Hapey Appiication.—Our Squire has a shooting party eve Saturday to stay till Monday, and longer if they can. He calls it The Saturday and Monday Pops.” GISMONDA. (To Mr. Punch, Dear Misrer,—To you, who are a so great lover of the theatre, english and french, I send my impressions of the first of the new drama of Mister Sanpov. Itis toe you of to spread them in the country of the immortal Surxsere. Allow that I render my homages to this name so illustrious, me who have essayed since so long time to speak and to pay the language of that great author. And see there, in fine I can to do it! It wants me some words for to praise the put in scene of this new drama at the theatre of Mistress Sakan Bresnnarpt, Gismonda ! It is magnificent! It is superb! It is a dream! Ah! if your Surxspre could see this luxury of decorations, this all together so glorious! Him who had but a curtain and an etiquette! And Morrére? And Racrye? Could they make to fal of such edifices, of such trees, of such furniture? They had not these—how say you in english—“ proprieties,” which belong to the proprietor ? Yes, I think that I have the , offend against the pro- prieties.” We never offend against them in the theatres of Paris ; they are always as it should be. But here, at the Renaissance, Mis- tress BenwHarpT has done still more, Each scenery is a picture of the most admirables, a veritable blow of the eye, I go to give you of them a short description, The first picture i» the Acropolis, under the domination of the Florentines at the end of the fourteenth omtary. at of poetry antique! What costumes! That has the air of an account of Boccaccio, of a picture of Botricetii1. One sees there figures of Ancexico, the colours of Veronzse. It is an Atma-Teppama of the middle age. And when Mistress Bernnarpt and her following, all resplendent of costume, are assembled upon the scene, one can see ised a group from the Decameron. And the second picture, and the third, and the fourth? Can I say more of them? Theyare superb. In the fourth there is a cypress high of six yards, there, alone, at the middle of the scene. e says he is natural. That may be. In any case he is 9 So marvellous. But the fifth picture, it is sub- lime! Onecannot more! It is the last word of the modern theatre ! It wants me the words, it wants me the place for to speak of it. Sx pee alone would have could to render justice to this picture so ravishing. ; As to the action of the piece, you will desire to know something. Frankly I tell you I observed it not. In the middle of this luxury of decorations there wander here and there some persons, dressed at the mode the most beautiful, who speak in effect not too shorily. There are veritable discourses—how say you “‘ conférences” ?—on florentine history, of the most interestings, but a little long, The brave Frenchmans pronounce the italian names in goed patriots. They imitate not the accent of our perfidious neighbours of the Triple Alliance. Ahno! They say them as in french. And what names! Acciajuoli! It is like a sneeze. And Mistress Bennnannr is gentle, caressing, passionate, contemptuous, and terrible turn to turn; she murmurs softly, and at the fine she screams. And Mister Gurrry is severe and menacing ; he speaks at low voice, and at the fine he shouts, But after all what is that that is that that’ One thinks not to it. The decorations, the costumes! See there that which one regards, that which one applauds, that which one shall forget never! Be willing to agree the assurance of my high consideration. STRAPONTIN, MAYEN-AISY-NOW ! Mistuer Puncu, Sorr,—Frinchmen are that consaited they think no one can invint anything but thimselves, It’s as wel as the story of Mulligan’s leather breeches that the first Earl of Mayo inwinted Mayernase sauce (ah! bother the spellin’ now), and called it after himself and his eldest son, Lord Naas; faix, there ye have it, Mayonaas; and isn’t it called Paddy Bourke’s butther to this day all over County Kildare; and many a bite of could salmon have I ate wid that same; and don’t believe, Sorr, thim that tell you it’s onwholesome, for, if you'll get the laste sup of the crathur wid it, it’s just as as new milk from the cow; and shure it’s meself that ought to know, bein’ cook to a lady that has the best blood of ould Treland in her body ; and her husband—God help him. poor man!—is an Englishman; but we can’t be all perfect, and whin I make thim sauces to his taste he just sends me out a glass of wine, wid his compliments, and wid mine to your honour, I remane your honour’s obadient Servant, Berezy Dunner. *,* This Correspondence must now cease. This is the second time we’ve said this.—Ep. ~ teehee ey ORIN Fa yh Ge ONO ia TS aE WPS Cd Bel RM ee ee eee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Novempzr 17, 1894, | 7 = Grandpapa (deep in differential and integral calowlus), ‘‘My new Microscope ! AND BE VERY CAREFUL WITH IT!” \ of CRA Le att a. Wie } ie L’ART D’'ETRE GRAND-PERE. Daughter and Mainma, “‘Para, DtaR, BABY WANTS TO PLAY WITH 1OUR NEW Microscope OH, YES, OF COURSE, DEAR! | May HE HAVE IT?” BuT HE MUST MIND | | A TOUCHING APPEAL. Ain—"' The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.” Ly the Kingdom of the Yellow Where names end in ing 00, With a phiz like saffron wood, Lived proud Youneny-Buye-Boo-Hovo. He was a thrasonic fellow ; But when smitten he would bellow. Potted puppies were his food, Pickled mice he thought ate good. Boss of a big neighbourhood Was proud Youneny-Bune-Boo-Hoo. He was jealous of a Jappy, Little cove, but full of go; Rather fond of throwing stones At big Youneny-Bune -Boo- Hoo. And that small but plucky chappie Made big Younosy feel unhappy ; And he growled, in grumbly tones, ** Piecy Jap him pitchee stones! Me with Jappy pickee bones! ” Said sore Youney-Bune-Boo-Hoo! ** Youneny pitch in Jap Prve-Wive tr!” But young Jappy had first blow, When it came to actual strife, Faced big Youneuy-Bune-Boo-Hoo, Faced and fought him sharp and singly, Smote him till his nose felt tingly, He was fearful for his life, And he yelled ‘* Ho! stoppy strife ! Knuckles cut like lilly knife!” Said poor Youneuy-Bune-Boo-Hoo. Yes, the big boy pale and yellow * Kickee up hulla-balloo,” “ And he feelee velly cheap” Did poor Youneny-Bune-Boo-Hoo. He began to bleat and bellow, Overgrown and awkward fellow : or his guard he could not keep, From his eyes he scarce peep, And the nose grew crimson Of poor Youneny-Bune-Boo-Hoo! Little Jappy sparred up gladly, ay he cried Fight on, =, do! our Ss come too late, Mr. Yourenr-Bone- Boo-Hoo ! I will give you beans, Bunc—badly !” (Here his nose Jap hammered madly.) “Yah! In fighting I’m your mate. You cave in a bit too late, I will whop you—if you ’!] wait Bouncing Youncuy-Bune-Boo-Hoo!” “*Though you welly lilly body, J you strikee biggy blow! elly much hurtee—me no play !!” Lawman, ** Me ide feel niddy-noddy. Oh my nosy! Me will modi- iy the words me mustee say. ill you pleasy go away ? Me no likee! Me no play! Welly much hard! Boo-hoo!! Boo-hoo!!!” On the slippery road and muddy, Jap then floored him with a blow. * Ough! Won't no one hel me?’ Mouled peer Youreny-Buse-Boo-Hoo! Prostrate, with his nose-tip a And his mouth all swollen and— luggy ‘* Foreign devils one—two—three ! Barbarians flom beyond um sea ! Can’t um—won't um helpee me ?” Bellowed Youneny-Bonc-Boo- noo, | At the floored and roaring victim “* Foreign devils” look askew, ‘Hands in pockets buried well. Piteous Youneunr-Bune-Boo-Hoo Hoped ‘_. from the mud they’d picked But a ithey, * Young Jap’s fair licked Shall we intervene ? Ah, well, We'll think of it. Time will tell. Meanwhile let him lie and yell, | Yellow Yourenr-Buye-Boo-Hoo!” ’ | four lines, or (3) a long yarn suitable for {fill- THE POLITE CUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE. (By a Courteous Conductor.) Securine a ‘‘P, 8,” I HAVE supposed that you have been | appointed Secretary to the Publie Squander | Department. You will have much to do, so | the less you have to read, the better. Under | these circumstances, I merely supply you at this moment with the following Examination Paper for Would-be Private Secretaries, 1. Give your pe we either as (1) a ood story against yourself, (2) a minute in ing up the time when things have to be kept going for three-quarters of an hour to accom- modate your chief, 2. Describe your duties to your chief (1) when he is in town but wants to be thought away in the country, and (2) when you have to assist him as ‘ Vice-chair” at a dinner rty. 3. Given that you have for neighbours at a political banquet a race-horse owner, a +up- porter of the temperance cause, a theatrical proprietor, and a dean. Write an anecdote that will interest all of them, and cause the conversation between them to be general. 4. Take the following facts. Owing to a blunder, a ship has been sent to a wrong port, carrying a wrong cargo to a wrong receiver, who ook y it oe and thus ponente’ it being used for its right purpose. is triflin error of judgment has caused a war that could easily have been prevented. Explain all this away in such a manner that the statement when delivered by your chief shall be received with ‘‘ general Commons. : 5. Write a short essay showing your points and testing your capabilities. cheering” in the House of penne

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a AY SS ae SSS . , SS - SERRE Sp >——_ . ~~ S . SS SS — Ha >S — SS = = >> =~ . SS SS NO PEACEY MAN COME STOPPY HIM!” \ ™ ‘ a > TP SRAQVYXe SOAS = SS LQ Wity betes 7/2 “4s “ibn Nii; TL AMABILE aye CAMLLLLLLL LLL, T!EOMMGLLMEN 14 A TOUCHING APPEAL. “BOO—HOO! HE HURTEE ME WELLY MUCH! ~ =.= SS SSS Y, ~~ FMS IC N | SARNIA RERAING SQ YAY a a - 7 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemper 17, 1894. Jounny CHINAMAN.

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| Novemper 17, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 237 f Wi 0 Sa WLLL) S == — ee a E BOUGHT AND SOLD. Dealer, ‘WHAT? THIS ERE LITTLE ’08S BIN SHOT OVER? LOR’ BLESS Y'’, HEEPS 0’ TIMES % “ “ = wrt , . . ' oF F . 4 WH \4 wr. ‘ wate "ate . a” af tf hy, hn te ‘* oy / ee ad 70 ep ll ify Oy yi? ae EZ [ Purchaser tests the fact, and is perfectly satisfied, THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. II.—PRewiminary CANTERS. I sarp, when I last took up my pen as a veracious chronicler of the recent history of Mudford (for this is the name of our village; not elegant, perhaps, but none the less true to life), that my meeting deserved a chapter to itself. It does. It deserves, in point of fact, (oa many chapters, though I only purpose to give it one. But it must be the third chapter, and not the second. For before this meeting was held, many things hap- yened, and as I look back I often wonder ow it was that I was enabled to endure all the trials and tribulations which Fortune had in store for me, and that I am spared to write this unprentending account of all that happened. I say this, because I have been reading of late historical romances, and I find from them that a little moralising is never out of place in the course of a story. The first thing I did was to issue a bill, stating that the meeting would be held. It was headed, ‘‘ Mudford,”’ and announced that I—described as TrmorHy WHINKINs, Esq., J.P. (for I boast that proud distinc- tion through an error of the Lord Chan- cellor of the period, who mistook me fora member of his party, which I was not)—that I would explain the provisions and working of the Parish Councils Act, that ** ques- tions would be invited at the close,” and that ‘all persons were of the Primrose League, A moment later, and those ladies were ushered into my room. ** We’ve come,” said Mrs, Havirtt, cutting the cackle, and coming at once to the ’osses, ‘‘ we've come to see you about that meeting.” ‘*Oh, indeed!” I murmured ‘* Yes, the meeting.” ** We notice,” said Mrs, AnsLE Maxcn, taking up the running, ‘that you only say ‘ persons’ may attend the meeting. Now we’re very much afraid that women won't understand that they may come,” ** But surely,” I protested, feebly, ‘‘ a woman is a person,” ** Well, we think ”’ (this as a duet) ** that you ought to say that ‘ all persons, men or women, married or single, are invited to attend.’ ”’ I was a good deal staggered, and thought of asking whether they wouldn't like the name of the village altered, or my name printed without the J.P., but I refrained. I promised to print new bills, and I did it. I thought it would be a poor beginning to a peaceful revo- lution to have an angry woman in every household, Those were my first visitors. After that I had about two calls a day. One day the Vicar dropped in to afternoon tea, to congratulate me on my public spirit. I confess I felt rather pleased. I had evidently done the right, the high-minded, the patriotic thing. M mind became filled with visions of mvself as Chairman of the Parish Council, the head man of a eotented village. Just before he left, however, the Vicar suggested that I should advise the electors to elect into the chair someone who had previous training of what its duties and responsibilities were, and I suddenly remembered that the Vicar was the present Chairman of the Vestry. Then somehow I guessed why I had been favoured with a visit. The curious thing Federation, and Mrs. Marcu as a Lady Crusader (is that right f) was, that my next caller (who arrived half an hour afterwards) came to say that the most satisfactory thing in the whole Act was, that the clergyman could not take the chair. Then my memory once aa invited to attend.” I sent a copy of this to every one in the v , and then fondly imagined that I should hear no more about the matter till the fateful night approached. In that I was mistaken, however. Next morning, as I was sitting in my study—curiously enough getting ready some notes for what was to be my epoc -making | speech —I saw coming up the drive two ladies, whom I recognised as | sani a, eee a4 am, Anean Makcu, pee I | a . who ves prominent in ties in the village, Mrs, Haverr as a leading light of the Women’s eed more told me what manner of man I was talking to—he was a prominent local preacher. I was being nobbled. And so it went on. My auswer to all who came was, that they could come and ask me questions at the meeting. Is was a con- venient plan enough—at the time. Yet my suggestions —like chickens and curses—came home to roost - at the meeting. And that, as I have said, is the third chapter. ArueveTan THe Reapy.—Mr. Atuetstan River. bE IRIN cae ay PN asi aN TRAIN ORTON Ah ap

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| 238 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novempzr 17, 1894. | MR. PUNCH ON BILLIARDS. [** The billiard-season has set in Daily Paper.) | on real earnest.” Come, people all, both old and young, And hearken to my lay! | And give you ear while I give tongue And sing a song that ought to be sung, And say my simple say. I sing a song of a noble game, W hose charms few men with stand - | Billiards! — sport of ancient fame, (dame Beloved of knight, admired of Adored in every land! The world's great games are numbered six— Cricket, chess, and whist, Footba!l. golf—but Billiard- licks With three small balls and two long sticks, And subtle play of wrist. In some, themind playschiefest part, In others, muscles rule ; In Billiards muscle jvins with art, {heart, Combining head and hand and In pyramids and pool. So Winter, hail! Though thou be keen, Thou'’rt nut so keen as Peat, | As he plays the spot on cloth | of green, | And makes such breaks as| ne'er were seen, | Until our senses reel ! Hail, Mrrewert, | T42Y MUST REMIND You or ——” Rowerts, . D Mrs. Weaver. ‘‘ Ys; THAT BE 80, Dawson, too, And others of your sort !— A UTILITARIAN. The Vicar. *‘ ASD HOW DO YOU LIKE THE NEW Cuimes, Mas. Weaver? You MUST BE GLAD TO HEAR THOSE BEAUTIFUL Sir. REGULAR EVER SINCE THEY WAS BEGUN!” Punch welcomes you, the lead. ew, But thinks of the Rest as he “uphold the Cue :— ‘* Preserve its reputation free From every act that’s mean.— | Conform to honour’s just de- cree, And curse ow man (and curst e! Who fouls the table green!” > _ . . What wonders will the year rev A “* Half-a-miilion Up?” A hundred-thousand points to PEALL | Will Roperts yield— thea show his heel, And win the Diamond Cup ? |Or greater j marvel still, I wot— | Will players cease to growl | When fluke oceurs, or when | you it) pot ” |The white, and swear it’s mean (it’s not) And loud ** Whitechapel !” howl ? All such as these would Punch bese ech— (He dwells on this behest)— To drop such foolish ways, \* and preach | Lo all ‘“‘good form,” that happy each May go for his Long Rest! Curtovs.—A lady who had read the two recent con‘ro- | Versies anent the Lords and the Empire got _ slightly muddled. ‘* Well, I’ve never seen anything wrong,” she said, ‘‘in Promenade Peers.” HyMN-TUNES AT NIGHT ! I’ve TooK My MEDICINE QUITE FIRS1 IMPRESSIONS. Fiorence! O glorious city of Loxenzo the Magnificent, cradle of the Renaissance, birthplace of Dawre, home of Boccaccio, where countless painters and sculptors produced those deathless works which still fascinate an admiring world, at last I approach thee! I arrive at the station, I scramble for a facchino, I drive to my hotel. It is night. To-morrow all thy medieval loveliness will burst upon my enraptured eyes. In the morning up early and out. Immediately fall against a | statue of a fat man in a frock coat and trousers. Can this be Micnart Anceto'’s David? No, no! Itis Manin byNono. Turn | hastily aside and discover a quay. Below is a waste of mud, through | which meander a few inches of thick brown water. The Arno! Heavens, what associations! Raise my eyes and perveive on the opposite bank a gasometer. Stand horrur-stricken in the roadway, and am nearly run over by a frantic bicyclist. Save myself by a great effort and cling for support to a gaslamp until I can recover from the shock. Resolve then to seek out the medieval loveliness. Start along the quay. Ha, there isa statue! Doubtless by Micuar. | Anorto. Hardly; the face seems familiar. Of course, it is Ganri- BALDI! Turn and fly up a narrow street. Here at last is something old, here at last are the Catidings on which Dante may have looked, in which Fra AnoeLico may have painted, here at last———-. Why, | what’s this? It’s an cniae. It fills the street. ha venvuTo CELLINI devised some glorious metal work. fia, ere is a silversmith’s even to this day! Look! what are those things in the window, above the inseription ‘‘ English Spoken”? They are tea- pots from Birmiogham! Resolve to avoid small streets, and hurry | on to large open piazza. Now for some architecture by Goro, some | sculpture by Dowaretto! Yes, there | Doubtless one of the Mepror. At last! No, it’s not. It’s Vicror Emanvet. At least, the inscription says so, though the li , not Wedge myself | in a doorway, and when it oT penn within three inches of my toes, | hurry down a side street, a still narrower one. Here, , Ben- is an equestrian statue. | being a speaking one, gives no information. Turn sadly aside and contemplate some melancholy modern copies of the regular architec- ture of rectangular Turin. A Begin to feel depressed. Have not yet found the romantic medievaliem. Somewhat revived by déjeuner, resolve to seek it in the suburbs. Of course, Fiesole. A pilgrimage to the home of Fra Angetico. Sublime! Will go on foot, avoiding the high road. Climb by narrow ways, past garden walls. Behind them may be the gardens where Boccaccio’s stories were told; down these narrow |roads Fra ANGELICO may have passed. How exquisite to meditate | far from the tourist crowd! Filled with enthusiasm, and gazing at the beautiful blue sky, arrive at the top, and stumble headlong over |some obstacle in the road, It is the railof atramway! Stagger | feebly to the Piazza just as the electric tramcar bumps and rumbles |up the hill. From it descends a crowd, carrying, not lilies, as in | ANGELICO's peters, but Bedekers. And I hear no tale from the Decameron, but a mingled confusion of strange tongues. ‘* Ju, ja, ja; what a squash; nous étions un peu serrés mais enfin ; ach wun- | derschiin; un soldo signore; ja, ja, ja; wal, I guess this is Feaysdlay, che rumore nel tram; I say, let’s buy one of these straw fans for Aunt Mary; they’re awfully cheap, only half a franc, and | look worth half-a-crown; ah voild le café ; wollen sie ein Glas Bier | trinken; ja, ja, ja!” Resolve to abandon search for medieval loveliness, and go down sadly in the tramear. ; But one art remains. In the country where Vexp1 still writes I can at least enjoy music, So after dinner seek the Trianon. It sounds like a music-hall; but then here, even in a music-hall, there must be music. As I enter, a familiar sound bursts upon my ear. The singer is Italian, the words are French, but the tune is English. She is singing ‘‘ Zhe Man that Broke the Bank at Monte Carlo.” A First Ipressronist. old your noble sport;!— | “ Ag!” sighed Mrs, R, sadly, when her advice had not been taken by her daughter, ‘‘1’m a mere siphon in the family!”

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Novempgr 17, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 239 LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XX.—“DIFFERENT PERSONS HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS.” Scenrt XXX.—Lady Maisie’s Room at Wyvern. Trwe—Saturday night, about 11.30, Lady Maisie (to Puriiipson, who is brushing her hair). You are sure Mamma isn’t expecting me ? (Jrresolutely.) Perhaps I had better just run in and say good night. Phillipson, 1 wouldn’t recommend it, really, my lady; her lady- ship seems a little upset in her nerves this even- ing. Lady Maisie (to her- self), It-y-a de quoi! (Aloud, relieved.) It might only disturb her, certainly. ... I hope they are making you com- fortable here, Pariip- son r Phill. Very much so indeed, thank you, my lady. The tone of the Room downstairs is most superior. Lady Maisie. That's satisfactory. And I hear you have met an old ad- mirer of yours here—Mr., SpurReLL, I mean. Phill. We did ha to encounter each other in one of the galleries, my lady, just for a minute; though I shouldn’t have — him to allude to it Lady Maisie. Indeed! And why not ? Phill. Mr. James —- RELL appears to ve elevated himself to a very different spherefrom what he oceupied when J used to know him, my lady; though how and why comes to be where he is, I —— rightly under- 8 myself at present. Lady Maisie (to her- self), And no wonder! I feel horribly guilty! (Aloud.) You mustn’t blame poor Mr. SPURRELL, PuItuipson ; he couldn’t help it! _ Phill, (with studied indifference), I’m_ not blaming him, my lady. If he prefers the society of his superiors to mine, he’s very welcome to do s0; there’s others only too willing to take his place! Lady Maisie, Surely none who would be as fond of you or make so a husband, Parison ! Phill, That’s as maybe, my lady. There was one young man that travelled down in the same compartment, and sat next me at supper in ‘the room. I could see he took a great fancy to me from the first, and his attentions were really quite eo I am sure I couldn’t bring myself to repeat his remarks, they were so flattering ! Lady Maisie. ‘Don’t you think will be rather a foolish girl if you allow a few idle compliments a stranger to outweigh such an attachment as Mr. SPURRELL seems to have for you ? Phill, If he’s found new friends, my lady, I consider myself free to act similarly. Lady Maisie, Then you don’t know? He told us quite frankly this evening that he had only just discovered you were here, end would much prefer to be you were. He went down to the Housek s Room on ‘ Phill, (moved). It’s Re first I’ve heard of it, my lady. It must Well, we can’t complain of havin’ had a dull evenin’, can we hove been after I came up. If I’d only known he'd behave like that ! Lady Maisie (instructively). You see how loyal he is to you. And now, | suppose, he will find he has been supplanted by this new peeeee- some smooth-tongued, good-for-nothing valet, I aresay ? Phill, (injured), Oh, my lady, indeed he wasn’t a man! But there was nothing serious us—at least, on my side—though he corteialy did go on in a very sentimental way himself. However he’s left the Court by now t’s one comfort! (Zo herself.) i wish now I’d said nothing about him to Jem, If he was to get ask- ing questions downstairs—— He always was given to ; ousy— - reason or none! [A tap ts heard at the door. Lady Rhoda (outside). Maisie, may I come in’ if you’ve done your hair, and sent away your maid. (She enters.) Ah, I see you haven't. Lady Maisie. Don’t run away, Ruopa; my maid has just done, You can go now, ParLiipson. Lady Rhoda (to her- self, as she sits down). Puitirrson! So that's the young woman that funny vet man prefers to Us! H’m, can’t say I feel flattered ! Phill, (to herself, as she leaves the room), This must be the Lady Ruopa, who was making up to my Jem! He wouldn’t her, though ; and, now I see her, I am not surprised at it! [She goes ; a pause, Lady Rhoda (crossing her feet on the fender). Well, we can't complain of havin’ had a dull evenin’, can we ? Lady Maisie (taking a left ? Lady Rhoda, Nothing particular, AncHi1£ apolo- gised to this New Man in the Billiard Room. For the Booby Trap. We all told him he’d got to. And Mr Carrion Bear, or BLUNDERSHELL, or whatever he calls himself —you know—was 80 aw- ily gracious and con- descendin’ that I really Ancuiz would have wound up his apology by unchin’ his head for him. rikes me, Maisie, that mop-headed Minstrel Boy is a decided change for the worse. Doesn’t it you ? Lady Maisie (toying with the poreee). How do you mean, Raopa ? Lady Rhoda, 1 meantersay I call Mr. Srunrett—— Well, he’s real, anyway—he’s a man, don’t you know. As for the other, so feeble of him missin’ his train like he did, and turnin’ up too late for every- thing! Now, wasn't it ? Lady Maisie. Poets are dreamy and unpractical and unpunctual —it’s their nature. Lady Rhoda, Then they should stay at home. Just see what a hopeless muddle he’s got us all into! 4 declare I feel as if anybody might turn into somebody else on the smallest provocation after this. I know poor Vivien SpeLwane will be worryin’ her pillows like rats | most of the night, and I rather fancy it will be a close time for pasts 'with your dear mother, Marsre, for some time to come. A this | silly little man’s fault! ?” have anything to say to | hand-screen from the | mantelshelf), Not alto- | ether, Has— anything | resh happened since I | thought poor dear old | Ey deccodaan, aeae 1S ANAOE REI Ie EN Mel sting Bo OME eae

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| current events, with a view to new verses for 240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemsmr 17, 1894, Lady Maisie. No, Ruopa. Not his—ours. Mine and Mamma’s. We ought toe have felt from the first that there must be some mis- | take, that poor Mr. SrurRett couldn’t possibly be a poet! I don’t | know, though; people generally are unlike what you d expect from their books. 1 believe they do it on purpose! Not that that applies to Mr. Brarr; he # one’s idea of what a poet should be. If he hadn't arrived when he did, I don’t think I could ever have borne to read another line of poetry as long as I lived ! Lady Rhoda, l say! Do you call him as good-lookin’ as all that? Lady Maisie. | was not thinking about his looks, Raopa—it’s his conduct that’s so splendid. Lady Rhoda, His conduct? Don’t see anything splendid in missin’ a train. I could do it myself if I tried ’ Lady Maisie. Well, | wish I could think there were many men | capable of acting so nobly and generously as he did. Lady Rhoda, As how ? Lady Maisie. You really don’t see! Well, then, you shall, He arrives late, and finds that somebody else is here yin bi character. He makes no fuss; manages to get a private interview with the person who is passing as himself ; when, of course, he soon discovers that poor Mr. Srpurrext is as much deceived as anybody else. What is he todo? Humiliate the unfortunate man by letting him know the truth?’ Mortify my Uncle and Aunt by a public explanation before a whole dinner-party ’ That is what a stupid or a selfish man might have done, almost without thinking, not Mr. Brare. He oo too much tact, too much imagination, too much chivalry for that. He saw at once that his only course was to spare his host and hostess, and—and all of us a scene, by slipping away quietly and unostentatiously, as he had come. Lady Rhoda (yawning), it he saw all that, why didn’t he do it ? Lady Maisie (indignantly). Why? How proveling can be, tnopa! Why? Because that stupid Trepwec. w ’t let him ! Because Ancutr delayed him by some idiotic practical joke! Because Mr. Srceret went and blurted itall out! ... Oh, don’t try to run down a really fine act like that; because you can’t—yousimplycan’t / Lady Rhoda (after a low whistle). No idea it had gone so far as that—already! ow I begin to see why Gerry THick Esse has been lookin’ as if he'd sat on his best hat, and why he told your Aunt he might have to be off to-morrow ; which is all stuff, because I to know his leave ain’t up for two or three days yet. But he sees this Troubadour has a Lis poor old nose out of joint for him. Lady Maisie (flushing). Now, Ruopa, I won’t have you talking as if—asif—— Jou ought to know, if Geratp Taickyesse doesn’t, that it’s nothing at all of that sort! It’s jast—— Oh, I can’t tel/ you how some of his poems moved me, what new ideas, wider views they seemed to teach; and then how dreadfully it hurt to think it was only Mr. Srureect after all!... But mow—oh, the rehef of finding they ‘re not spoilt ; that I can still admire, still look to the man who wrote them! Not to have to feel that he is quite com- monplace— not even a gentleman—in the ordinary sense! Lady Rhoda (rising). Ah well, I prefer a hero who looks as if he had his hair cut, oceasionally—but then, I’m not romantic. He may be the paragon you say; but if I was , my dear, I wouldn’t expect too much of that young ~aneiiies a margin for shrinkage, don’t you know. And now I think [’ll turn into my little erib, for I’m dead tired. Good night; don’t sit up late in’ poetry; it’s my opinion you 've read quite enough as it is! [She goes. Lady Maisie (alone, as she gazes dreamily into the fire). She doesn’t in the /east understand! She actually suspects me of—— As if I could possibly—or as if Mamma would ever—even if he—— Qh, how sillyTlam!... Idon’t care! I am glad I haven't had to give up my ideal. I should like to know him better. What harm is therein that?’ And if Geraxp chooses to go to-morrow, he must—that ’sall. He isn't nearly so nice as he used to be; has even less imagination than ever! I don’t think I could care for anybody so absolutely matter-of-fact. And yet, only an hour ago I almost Bat that was before ! By Bey Trovato.—Mr. Anruvur Ronerts is always interested in t is topical songs. A friend came up to him one day last week with the latest Globe in his hand, just as the Eminent One was ordering dinner for a part “They ’re sure to take Port Arthur!” cried the friend, of four. excitedly. ‘* I never touch it myself,” said Mr. Ronerts, * but I’)l | order a bottle.” Wrrna 4 Drrrerexce.—It is common enough, alas! for a manof high aspirations to be “ sorely disappointed,” but it is quite a new thing to be ‘sorely appointed,” which is the case with Fadieee W. KR. Sontey, who has recently been placed in the Moral Philosopher’s Chair at the University of Aberdeen. Tue New Broom.—The Republican Party in the United States declare—apparently with some show of likelihood—that they will “sweep the country.” All honest citizens and anti-Tammany patriots must heartily hope that they will sweep it clean. GILBERT AND CARR-ICATURE. Most of the libretto of W. 8. Grizert’s latest whimsical opera, entitled His Excellency, is evident proof of his excellency in this par- ticular line and on these particular linee. — principals, Mr. Barrrnetow has perhaps a trifle the best of it; while the part given EoRGE GrossmitH, is not so striking as his costume, both he and Mr. Joun Le Hay, whose make-up is wonderfully ood, being somewhat put in the shade S the gaiety of the two charming young ladies Miss Jesstzr Bonp and Miss Ectatove Terriss, who act with a real appreciation of the funof the situ- ation in which their dramatic-operatic lotiscast. But, after all said and sung, it is the brilliancy of the Hussars, under the command of Corporal, after- wards Colonel, Piarrarr, that carries the piece, and takes the audience by storm. The music by Dr. Carz would not of itself carr-y the piece were ‘*‘ the book ” less fancifully funny than it is 2 and did it not contain some capita lines which are quickly taken by an appreciative audience. There is are of ‘* go” in the Carr-acteristic music for the dance of Hussars ; mt the most catching ‘‘number” is a song of which the first bars irresistibly call to mind the song with a French refrain sung by Miss Nesvitte in A Gaiety Girl, Was Dr. Osmonp Carr the composer of that air? or as ‘that air” sounds vulgar, let us substitute ‘* that tune.” If so the resemblance is accoun for, and if he wasn’t, then it is only an accidental resemblance of a few bars that at once strikes the retentive ear of the amateur. Scenery and costumes are all excellent in His Excellency. to our Gee-Gee, alias | & @y Ae OUR “MONTHLY POPS.” Ix the New York Critic a suggestion is made that it would be a graceful thing for Editors of Magazines to bring out concent a ** Consolation Number,” containing only rejected contributions. But why not give the Editor’s reasons for rejecting them as well? This would be such a ** consolation” to the public, if not to the authors! A specimen number might be made up somewhat as follows :— 1. “‘A Dream of Fair Wages.”—A Rondel by Tennyson Kerr Harvie Moris Syooxs. (Rejected as a mixture of bad politics with worse poetry.] 2. ** Children of Easy Cireumstances.”—By Q. ¢. ! [An up-to-date story, with several risky situations in it ; the risk, however, has been reduced to a minimum by the gifted Authoress having contracted to indemnify the Publisher and Editor against any legal consequences that may ensue. inted “ without prejudice,” and should be read in a similar spirit. | 3. “ On the Magnetisation of Mollusca.” By Lerpen Janae, F.S.L. [Rejected because, although an extremely able and interesting paper in itself, itis found by experience that this sort of high-science essay requires high people to write iteif it is to have a chance of being read. Nobody under the rank of a Duke should dabble in magazine science. What's the use of calling it a Peery-odies! otherwise, eh 7] 4. ** Is Madagascar really the Largest Island but Two?” ** How I Never Went to Korea.”’ “* China as my Great-Unele said that he once Knew It.” ‘* A Muscovite Moujik, by a British Bore.” [ Rejected. because this kind of ‘symposium ”’ on topical aubjecta can be got much better, as the above writers have chiefly got it, from the daily papers. Without some magazine padding of the sort, however, “none is genuine,” and the above is not much more hopeless drivel than is usually inserted. } Osx ree List.—Without going back to the still undiscovered horrors in the East End, we have sufficient material in the two diamond robberies Holborn district and a bomb in Mayfair to warrant us in asking where is that much-wanted Sprertock Hotmes? “ Hotmes, Hotes, Hotmes, Sweet Houmes, Wherever we wonder is one chap like Houmes!” Tae L.C.C. ann THe Cuvrca.—* The church was condemned as dangerous by the London County Council.” Is not such 4 paragraph as the above calculated to frighten all the good people who are so anxious on the subject igious education? Why, certainly. Fortunately the church in question is only “ All Saints Church, Mile End,” which had to be repaired and restored, and which was re-opened by ‘‘ Lorpin” (which signature, with “ B for “‘ Bishop” before it, would become * Bironpin”’) last Thursday. ee well that ends well,” as says the Eminently Divine ILLIAMS, ~-~ Pro

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lls, hot and +: P. Greeg iftices, Pep latter firm, | OF to the feet. 8.6 Novemper 24, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 241 THE HAYMARKET HEROINE. Tae Rey. Says Mrs, Parrick CAMPBELL, “Wasn’t I a quite first ranker, eh ? As A. Prvero's—the Provero’s —Second Mrs. Tanqueray ? We know that reputations great have often been, are a rt, but not by y such a , but no Mister Audoun Jonxs’s bar- maid. Though then there was a chance when both the men began to gamble ; Yet—no—I never cared for it,” quoth Mrs. Paratck Camp- BELL. ‘When at the T. R. H. I feared, and so did Mr. Trex, That Hapvon Coampers hadn't an apartment fit for me. Kate Cloud is rather 7 ; but aay = ‘there will for you i) us. ”°9 (Theatrical for ‘ business *")— which seems to mein nubibus, For I’m a shady heroine of A THRILLING MOMENT; OR, GO IN AND WYNN. SrepHex WYNN STARTLED BY A WOMAN WITH A Goop MANY TAILS ABOUT HER ! I’m in LF y. . both first and last, what becomes of e I am not very certain, and no | more is Mr. Tree, As at the finish both of us are thoroughly at sea. For the villain there ’s CaarLes Cartwrieut, and, speaking for myself, I Preferred him when, more ‘il- lainous, he was at the Adelphi. They talk a deal of Pat-mos (a name that sounds like two), A mixture of Hibernian that’s * Pat’ with ‘ Moss,’ He-brew,} This coupled too with John-a- Dreams,—ot course there ’s no offence Intended, yet it has a smack of some irreverence, The play ’s successful to a point, the critics say ‘no doubt of it, But were I Mister Trer I would cut thirty minutes out of it. I finish with no postscript, I squalor not romance, commenced with no preamble, For passion and emotion I have And sign myself devotedly, your barely got a chance, Pavia Parnick CamPse.t.” UNDER A CLOUD; OR, AN OXFORD (COMPACT) MIXTURE, Harovp and Hunenr were two pretty men, Up jumps Hano vp, “ A cloud in the sky!” Puzzled by plot when the clock strikes ten. “ Comrade!” cries Hunznt, “ how's that for high?” NEW AND OLD. (By One who prefers the Old.) Sorr hair that ripples like a lake The ing eyes, the brows that knit, Not Muvron’s self, however blind Whee Sane te wee ee a — ~ 4 oe 51 fit, To toy with such had felt inclined. air cheeks es ue, e heavy stride—the hose in hue . Clear winiows that the. soul sees through, Unlike es eyes and deeply blue. O monstrous growth of modern times, Saal, Ving Groce, 9 have of paew : Gone are:the locks of golden brown Winn papiindamoembaioe way wel § ’ uch wore tho girls wo'used to know. Sean rodeo loch at arian liaedown: | Whe tasus tee toast aed coe the Lael But now we tremble as we spy C as never Roandhead knave Farewell for ever and a day, Woman’s advancing majesty : In sternest times aspired to shave, Miss Anaminta Jones, B.A. ! VOL. CVIJ, Y :

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novempmr 24, 1894. | y “THE FOURTH R;” OR, THE “RELIGIOUS” (?) ROW AT THE SCHOOLBOARD. Quite Un-sectarian Girl. ‘On, wy! Waar a souty Row!” Equally Un-sectarian Boy. “ Atn’t 1T! 1 ‘OPE THEY ’LL KEEP IT UP, AND WE SHAN'T ’AVE TO LEARN NOTHINK!”

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November 24, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL _———— A TASTE TO BE ACQUIRED. Sporting Farmer (to young Pupil from provincial town, who has just made his first effort to ride over a Fence), ‘‘Now 1HEN, JUMP ON AGAIN! BgtTER LUCK NEXT TIME! YoU 'LL LIKE IT AFTER A BIT!’ Pupil (still seeing stars), ‘‘SHatt I, Sin? SEEMS TO ME AS MUCH LIKE A RAILWAY COLLISION AS ANYTHING!” “THE FOURTH R.” a, re merged in a bad fourth— —Religious (?) | ow! on the assumption that, when sll the differences of our English Christendom were struck out, there would be found the beating heart of ‘a common Christianity’ sending a quickening life through all its members... . Believing it not impossible for | ‘all who profess and call occunaioun Christians’ elementary and supplementary, I earnestly com- mend them for peaceful co-existence to the con- | flicting parties of School Board electors and | members.”"—Dr. James Martinean's Letter to the | “ Times” of November 14.) O wise and gentle ee ween whose appeal Is to the common heart, whilst general anger Distracts and darkens all our commonweal, And schools and churches ring with noisy clangour ; Would ney but heed thy loving call, though How would the prospect brighten! Z«al fanatic With disingenuous dodges of debate, Insidious cant, assumption autocratic, Secular spleen, short-sighted super-thrift,— All are at furious odds, wae wero windy, Intent, aed os em, to whelm a tet mld sem, to helm «lor “The beating heart”? It sems a mingled mazé Of beating hands, and bludgeons wildly waving. | How send “a quickening life” through this | Unsympathetic Gallio of the Shop ’Twas “The Three R’s ” they promised us, but now | [“ The so-called ‘ compromise’ of 1871 was based | dull craze or ong soul and strenuous till-pro- Of — deadening rancour rudely g? | The third B R rages, iia | What the task, th teach f the) Stop, mad ze ve thei is capes | Lest all the tol of Board and Behe In- These would-be lighteners of our mental ; blindness ? Teacher t yoo ‘taught, end in one fourth R— What is the lesson the child-crowds have | ROW! caught | A vulgar term, my masters, unscholastic ; From these tumultuous foes of human- But—-the great lesson ye are teaching now, kindness ? o the = hives mind, and to the conscience Should renovate the land, refine the | Of fora and children of the slum. (bars. - ears,” these “little people ; Break wo "at last low-birth’s invidiens Alas! What rings from school-tower and | | | Think "y you ay hn joint bidding ray wi ~ y to reconcile themselves to these two forms, | They told us, in quaint diction, the Three R's church-steeple ? come Not the harmonious heaven-aspiring sound Whom their old teacher, Vice, employs so }. — bells, but furious | dis creed is one, his doctrine’s not o ashin His tests and formularies do not vary, Of aaa ‘eek tocsins, spreading wrath | | His ‘a ” stand, and his ‘' resulte”’ arou nd, re, Love's efforts we wisdom's high | And. ‘of “ school-places” he is never hopes dasbin [schi>m | chary. Where be the “* Three R’s” now? Sectarian | Has cloven up the compromise, and ended e self - elected shepherds, with your In Uely Rush! See rampant Rileyism crooks, Sha xing its standard at the door, attended | | Fighting, while ry your tolds the wolves Close by the Nonconformist banner-bearer,— | are creeping !— » ™ on without Dogma!” blazoned Powhite gem 4 over a te eens wrath rages human love Denouncing "the first ‘‘ R.” as child-ensnarer Into a fold whereon his creed looks coldly, | If of or common Christianity” Whilst hating hotly one who hotly hates | Ye mere sae bab ne | and patient His oS as vague and vain and - ate tent vapi In Le 's em a | : Who shall teach our N st. vigorous be-rater of the Rates, Now senee is ae” rise he vows is ruinously rapid, teachers ? ent lca 3h asm scetl tlm, al Ni spa

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244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novempmr 24, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XXI.—THE FEELINGS OF A MOTHER. | Mrs. Chatteris (with arch significance), I gs shall have the pleasure of your daughter’s society this morning. I just met her | going to get the garden keys; I think she has promised to show the |grounds to—— Well, I needn’t mention whom. Oh dear: me, | I’m not being indiscreet again / . , , h Scere XXXI.—The Morning Room. Tiae—Sunday morning; | » ~* Cant. | make a point of never interfering with my just a breakfast. Captain Thicknesse (outside, to TREDWELL). , TO everything in’ All right—shan’t be a minute. ( Entering.) Pruvover, you all alone here? (He looks round disconcertedly. Don’t happen to have seen Lady Matsre about ? Pilliner. Let me see—she was here a little while ago, I fancy... . Why’ Do you want her? Capt. Thick. No—only to say good-bye and that. I’m just off. r ef is| Lady Cant, (to herself). Darling Marsre! He'll be Lord Duy- Pill. Off? To-day! You don’t mean to hter’s proceedings, and you can easily understand how natural daug S P| it is that such old friends as they have always been—— a 0, | )} pleasure in one another’s society. It’s quite romantic. But I must | ber mother—— But dear Lady CantrRre is so advanced about Mrs. Chatt. Really ? I thought they seemed to take a great rush up and get my bonnet on if I’m to gotochurch. (To herself, as she goes out.) So she was ‘‘ Lady Grisoline,” after all! If I was things. such an inconsiderate old raffian as to expect you to travel back to| pexmeap before very long. How sensible and sweet of her! And your Tommres on the Sabbath! You could wait till to-morrow if | I was quite uneasy about them last night at dinner; they scarcely you wanted to. Come now! Capt. Thick. Perhaps—only, you see, I don’t want to. | Pill, Well, tastes differ. A cross-country | journey in a slow train, with unlimited o - tunities of stadying the Company's oie and traffic arrangements at several admirably ventilated junctions, is not my own idea of the best way to spend a cheery Sunday, that’s all. Capt. Thick. (gloomily). Daresay it will be about as cheery as stoppin’ on here, if it comes to that. Pill, I admit we were most of us a wee bit chippy at breakfast. The Bard conversed—but he seemed to diffuse a gloom somehow. Shut you up once or twice in a manner that might almost be described as d—d offensive. Capt. Thick. Don’t know what you all saw in what he said that was so amusin’. Con- founded rude J thought it ! Pill. Don’t think anyone was amused—unless it was Lady Maisre. By the way, he might verhaps have selected a happier topie to hold forth to Sir Rupert on than the scandalous indifference of large landowners to the condi- tion of the rural labourer. Poor dear old boy, he stood it wonderfully, considering. Pity the Countess breakfasted upstairs; she’d have en- joyed herself. However, he had a very good audience in little Lady Matrste. Capt. Thick. I do hate a chap that jaws at breakfast.... Where did you say she was? Lady Maisie’s voice (outside, in Conserva- tory). Yes, you really ought to see the Orangery and the Elizabethan Garden, Mr. Brarr. If you will be on the terrace in abcut five minutes I could take you round myself. I must go and see if I can get the keys first. Pill, If you want to say good-bye, old fellow, now ’s your chance! Capt. Thick. It—it don’t matter. She’s engaged. And, look here, you needn’t mention that I was askin’ for her. Pill. Of course, old fellow, if you’d rather not. (He glances at him.) But I say, my dear old chap, if that’s how it is with you, don’t quite see the sense of chucking it up already, don't you know. No earthly affair of mine, | know; still, if I could manage to stay on, I would, if I were you, | seemed to be talking to each other at all. But there’s a great deal | more in dear Marsrg than one would imagine. Sir Rupert (outside). We’re rather proud of our church, Mr. UnpERsHeti—fine old monu- ments and brasses, if you care about that sort of thing. Some of us will be walking over to service presently, if you would like to—— Undershell (outside—to himself). And lose my (éte-d-téte with Lady Maistre! Not exactly! (Aloud.) I am afraid, Sir Rupert, that I can- not conscientiously —— Sir Rup. (hastily). Oh, very well, very well : do exactly as you like about it, of course. I only thought—— (Zo himself.) Now that other young chap would have gone! Tally Cant. Rupgrt, who is that you are talking to out there? I don’t recognise his voice, somehow. Sir Rup. (entering with UNDERSHELL). Ha, RoweEsia, you ’ve come down, then ? slept well, Ihope. I was talking to a gentleman whose acquaintance I know you will be very happy to make—at last. This is the genuine celebrity this time. (Zo Unprersnett.) Let me make ou known to my sister, Lady Cantrre, Mr. JNDERSHELL, (As Lady CantTiReE glares in- terrogatively.) r. CLarton Brarr, Ronwesta, author of huam—ha— Andromache. Lady Cant. I thought we were given to understand last night that Mr. SpurreELt—Mr. Biark—you must on me, but it’s really so very confusing—that the writer of the—ah— volume in question had already left Wyvern. Sir Rup, Well, my dear, you see he is still here—er—furtunately for us. If you’ll excuse me, I'll leave Mr. Biare to entertain you ; got to speak to TREDWELL about something. [He hurries out. Und. (to himself). This must be | Matsre’s mamma, Better be civil to her, suppose, but I can’t stay here and entertain her long! (Aloud.) Lady Cantrre, I—er— have an appointment for which I am already a little late ; but before I go, I should like to tell you how much pleasure it has given me to know “Ill be off, or they ‘ll nail me for church !” that my poor verse has won your approval; appreciation from—— Lady Cant, I’m afraid you must have been misinformed, Mr.—a —Btarm. There are so many serious publications claiming attention Capt. Thick. Hang it all, Prutiwer, do you suppose J don’t know | in these days of literary over-production that I have long made it a when the game’sup! Ifit was any good stayin’ on—— And besides, rule to read no literature of a lighter order that has not before I’ve said qoee-tye to Lady C., and all that. No, it’s too late now. 4 (at the door). Excuse me, Sir, but if you ’re going by from your supeeaanes that your own work must be of a considerably | more recent date Tredwe the 10.40, you haven’t any too much time. Pill, (to himself, after Captain Tuicknesse has hurried out). Poor old chap, he does seem hard hit! Pity he’s sort. Though what she can see in that long-h Wonder when Vivian Spetwane intends to come down knew her miss breakfast before.... What’s that rustling the world for at least ten years. I may be mistaken, but I infer Und. (to himself ). If she imagines she’s going to snub Me——! not Lady Maisre’s|(Aloud.) Then I was evidently mistaken in gathering from some ex- -haired beggar——! pressions in your daughter’s letter that—— __ Lady Cant. Entirely. You are probably thinking of some totally different person, as my daughter has never mentioned having written Women! I'll be off, or they'll nail me for church before I know it. to you, and is not in the habit of conducting any correspondence (He disappears hastily in the direction of the Smoking Room without my full knowledge and approval. I think you said you had as y Cantrre and Mrs. Cuatreris enter. some appointment; if so, pray don’t consider yourself under any Lady Cantire. Nonsense, my dear, no walk at all; the church is necessity to remain. only just across the park. My brother Rurerr al: pleases him to see the Wyven as full as hie Und. You are very good; I will not. (Zo himself, as he retires.) seldom feel | Awful old lady, that! I quite thought she would know all about that , possi equal to going myself, because J find the necessity of allowing pulpit letter, or I should never have— However, I said nothing to com- inaccuracy to pass without a protest gets too much on my nerves but my daughter will accompany you. You'll have just time to run up and get your things on. promise anyone, luckily ! Lady Culverin (entering), Good morning, Ronesta. So glad you felt equal to coming down. I was almost afraid—after /ast night, you know. --

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aomcmmtaneennl NovempBgr 24, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 245 | upon dear Marsre for the world— still, I have my fee’ Lady Cant. (offering a cold cheekbone for salutation). I am in a A usual health, thank you, ALBrwta. As to last night, if you must asl a literary Socialist here, you might at least see that he is received with common courtesy. You may, for anything you can tell, have advanced the Social Revolution ten years in a single evening ! Lady Culv. My dear Ronesta! If you remember, it was you yourself who— ! : ae Lady Cant. (closing her eyes). I am in no condition to argue about it, ALBINIA. The slightest exercise of your own common sense would have shown you—— But there, no great harm has been done, for- tunately, so let us say no more about it. I have something more agreeable to talk about. I’ve every reason to hope that Matsre and dear GERALD THICKNESSE—— Lady Culv. (astonished), Matste? But I thought Gerrarp THICKNESSE e as if—! ‘ Lady Cant. Very possibly, mydear. I have always refrained from giving him any and I wouldn’t Fat any pressure d I can’t deny that, with such ts as he has "ie petite and I can’t deny wi prospects as he has now, it is gratify- ing for me to think that they may be coming to an und i together at this very moment; she is showing him the grounds; which I always think are the great charm of Wyvern, so secluded ! Lady Culv. (puzzled), Together! At this very moment! But— but surely Geraxp has gone ? ; Lady Cant. Gone! What nonsense, ALBIniA! Where in the world should he have gone to? Lady Culv. He was amne by the 10.40, know. For Aldershot. I ordered the cart for him, he said good-bye after breakfast. He seemed so y down, poor fellow, that I quite fancied from what he said that Maistz must have—— i Lady Cant. Impossible, my dear, quite impossible! I tell you he is here. Why, ms a few minutes ago, Mrs. Cuatreris was telling me Ah, here she is to speak for herself. (7o Mrs. Cuatreris, who appears, arrayed for service.) Mrs. Cuatrents, did I, or did I not, understand you to say just now that my daughter Maisre—— ? Mrs. Chatt. (alarmed), But, dear Lady Cantrer, I had no idea you would disapprove. eed you seemed—— And really, though she certainly es an interest in him, I’m sure—a/most sure— there can be nothing serious—at present. Lady Cant. Thank you, my dear, I merely wished for an answer to my question, And you see, Atsrnia, that GERaLp “THIcKNESS&E - hardly have gone yet, since he is walking about the grounds with AISIE. Mrs. Chatt. Captain Tuickyesse? But he has gone, Lady Can- TIRE! I saw him start. I didn’t mean him. Lady Cant. Indeed? then I shall be obliged if you will say who it is you did mean. Mrs. Chatt, Why, only her old friend and admirer—that little poet man, Mr, Briar. Lady Cant. (to hersel,), And I actually sent him to her! (Rising in majestic wrath.) ALBINTA, whatever comes of this, remember shall hold you entirely ible ! [She sweeps out of the room ; the other two ladies look after her, and then at one another, in silent consternation, THE WHIMS OF AMPHITRYON. Isy’r our good friend of the P. M. G. a little extravagant with his culinary raptures? However, we will not be outdone. If he rhap- sodises the “ Magnificent Mushroom,” we have discovered a still more exalting theme, which, taking ‘‘ whelk ” as pronounced, we will call THE WITCHERY OF THE WHELK. ‘Would you learn the divinest glory of a goddess among molluses ? Would you note the gastronomic charms of a succulent sea-nymph ? Ostracise, then, from your table the blue-point impostor that foists his bearded banality on the faithful elect. Let the cult of that lusty Titan, the Limpet, sink awhile into the limbo of outworn idolatries. Forbear, if you are wise, to hymn the stern masculinity of the Mussel, gregarious demi-god but taciturn, hermetically sealed within the wilful valves of a sulky self-effacement. And let that other fakir of the sea-marge, the fantastic and Pharisaic Scallop, ply his Eleusinian rites, unrevered by the devout and metaphor-mixing epicure. Rather let it be ours to celebrate, though baldest prose were all-in- sufficient, the allurements of a pandemic Aphrodite, the seductive Whitechapel Whelk, and the coy grace of her sister, the wanton “ALL IS NOT GOLD,” &c. Gentleman (in waiting for his Wife, at ‘‘ Great Annual Sale,” to Head of Department), ‘‘You MUST DO AN ENORMOUS BusINEss ON Days LIKE THIS.” Head of Department, ‘‘ Not sO MUCH AS YOU MIGHT FANCY. THE GREAT MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE HERE TO-DAY ARE SHOPPING not Buyine!” ‘*Tyke three ’aputh of whilks, "Erne By sort fer choice, and chuck ’em wiv a saveloy and a ki into i nick one from a juggins. Bile ’em till they’re green, and add ’arf a glorss of unsweetened, tho it’s a pity to wyste it. If toimes ir ‘ard, the kids and the missus can ’ave the rinsings, or go wivout. Laike my tip, and don’t you be a bloomin’ mug. You can blyme well stick to the juggins’ sorcepan. You may, I dessay, raise arf a dollar on it.” There the true gourmet, with single-hearted straight-forward egotism, worthy of a City alderman, in all the glory of a civic banquet. To none but an artist in guttlery would that touch of genius about the kids and the missus occur. Again, disdain not the sweetly subtle reciges and romantic fancies that you may fg during your sojourn at Colney Hatch, For there, far from the dull Philistinism of house-dinners and fried-fish shops, with all wild Menad orgies may your divinity be adored. Learn but one magic formula, and you shall see the wizard-working of your incantation, as, like an enchantress herself bewi , she assumes you an ensorceled, faery shape, Here, mark you, is this potent spell, culled from the inspired lips of a frenzied chef. To Make Whelk Fritters.—Take one ripe whelk, draw and truss it until you are black in the face, tie up the Socmeete: with chick- weed, sit down, and smoke a pipe ; parboil any g you like for a few hours, or don’t, if you don't care to; rub the purée through a tammy (I don’t know what this is); flavour with elbow-grease, ¢¢- Winkle of Rosherville. let us take the first—assume that the siren is yours, then consider how fitliest she shall be dressed. And here it shall be seen | whether you have true chivalry and romance in your soul, or ether you ndis in mere forme ¢. What says Master Birt Nupxrws, master-cook to Blue Pig chop-house in | Skittle-alley ? Is there not an idyllic flavour of Cocaigne fervour of simplicity about his gizzard of the whelk-worshipper ? whelks a /a Shoreditch :— hich straight to the \ to wise counsel on | Pend, mud-salad, and bétes noire ; dredge the gallimaufrey, .ad old your nose; write some letters; the rol-au-rent then explode; wrap the pieces in an old sock, and bury for six weeks; take the 2.13 train to town, and have your hair cut, or og Eom calls; then start again with another whelk, and proceed as before ; but it is better to buy the fritters ready-made.” Is not this a lesson in devotion and perseverance? Rejoice greatly, nd gow thet nen kaoetoed Be pied ibliettinn, wis nd now that you have or ion, after a space you shall, to your exceeding great advantage, be further instructed in the liturgy of the Winkle.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novempar 24, 1894. Thee yen cunt Natt iy) fy) eanatd tras et WOTLOB JO WIOPS@2@sj IND ws THE © WORST OF HAVING “A DAY.” Edith. ‘‘Here COME THOSE DREADFUL Borgs, THe Browpessury-Browns! How TAcTLESS OF THEM, TO COME AND SEE US ON THE ONLY Day in THE WEEK we'RE «rT Hows!” achtne a= peley of division and of discord” must inspire “ NOBODY SAORING | 1” The world with horror and with apprehension, | ag _ ("Wes aot eran Mangus... w wl pss thn dvenage wo | TUNG se BT fern ea ay eons = Ts’ tr, v ed. daga J bi 2 (Cheers.) . sf Jur ‘ioatan an ‘ote is conaiate oufabing French or gn en te busy Pas Ser little games, ee pai - a sna Pages & SG J bey yl rivalries—of Preeti —will on set the world in flames, upus, on the prowl, loquitur :— r ** compromise ” relations between nations. On, those Malagasy muttons! They are homicidal beasts, So I think while no one’s looking, I may drop down on these sheep v ery dangerous, and desperate, and spiteful. With moral and magnanimous severity. i Yet, taken young, they furnish quite the toothsomest of feasts, - there’s ose wey! wot h n her track I i slowly creep, And my hunger for a meal i is getting frightful. os “1 th " ness, though “ without temerity.” My “attitude towards them” is—oh! well, the usual one A) Phe dogs poy 0 this ned mm dy mS da presen ee =i Ah! there’s nothing like a blend of magnanimity and bounce. And I’m free—as free a song’ = pementie Rover! Yum-yum! ’Tis a choice morsel, scarce needs cooking ; Yes, I’m free, though not “ afloat.” There's a feeling in my throat aay 5 this way, onnaingly unmindful of her fate. That my foes might call omnivorous voracity, spe! my Hove lam kia, I shall have te : But it is a noble hunger ; on nobility I doat ; Is eat you up! There’ s no one will object, until too late, And black baa-lambs are so given to—pugnacit y. There’s no one near will trouble take to save you! So full of ill-will, too, in all circumstances! Yes Se A. [ Provels on. . They os a at the gy being gaten ep! ut omelettes still n eggs, as they ever guess, IE if } And the eggs have to be broken and well beaten u QUEER QUERIES. You can’t tie lambs to treaties, that’s the worst of the false things, Tae L. C. C. Acary.—Is it possiblethat the Government is about to Though you supply the treaty and the tether. back up the London County Council in another attack on one of our They batt naa we trust a Wolf thene® the poten had wings, | sent ery es ery I - that ~ on we a a ey will not trust a Wolf asa -wether tion that ‘*‘ one of the first acts of a Loca Authority, if it the It is very, very vexing! In such quiet times as these, power, would be to abolish the Ring.” What on earth has a mA. hen “* the elements of peace” are fairly up " Authority to do with the mode in which marriages are celebrated ? P 7 hen to . i) to do anything to to oat ?) gee = oe rise ; od. a coatity of. defend the be pc F in-a-r-r ! want “‘ redress,” now, or my supper m symbolising as it e sanctity of the nuptial tie, a 0 RY he world is doing homage to that peaceful creature, Bruin hun! from power a Government which is hor to hand us over, ho is almost as unmilitant as J am ; fingers and souls, to a tyrannical set of County Council busybodies. Yor these yy ——- would the oral one simply ruin. = peas weet on hed ay sate 3 “+ LT seems to bw They 're as fierce as ¢ ferocious sheep about gambling; per e holds the cheap modern view =~ — el m ae of —- and of a hf simply—bleat, eee | . a Lottery.» But I yw od (ond ya —_ iaien soun e Dove—and me—with terror ! mi es with subjects of this sort nd how is Thy think, because he’s gentle, that the Wolf they 'll kill and eat. | between a Radical Ministry and the LC. C. to be Lt. e » Wolf must try to show them they ’re in error, Nor to pe Cavent Napprne.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemssr 24, 18

jj 001 Oe

ae Cae —I SHALL EAT YOU, MY LITTLE DEAR!”

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| Novempgr 24, 1894.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 249

(By lorena, Author of ‘A ‘ellow Plaster,”’) Cuapter I, ” ‘* Vinernipus isque,”’ | said Miss ConSTANTIA p -| | wine; “and it’s bya man!” | | ‘By a man!” echoed the | awe-struck ATHANASIA, | * And to think that in spite of all our pioneering and efforts to confine her studies to the | New Woman Series our niece | may even now have tasted of | the tree and be bursting out into throbbing nerve-centres and palpable possibilities. Compare we two with her! Have you noted her restless craving after Philistine de- lights such as man-worship and a literary style? Thank Heaven, she never got that <* us or — books.’ d The speakers were a pair old Purgatorial Twins, not without alleviations, designed by Nature to multiply. But | aloofness, coupled in harness with anemia, had meres the wilding shoots in the bud and won =~ down . the dis- tance. True, in the scraggy past, there had been a male creature, less curate than | Cupid, that each of them had saved her soul alive in the memory of. But the cares of celibacy, cruel-heavy as a portmanteau - metaphor, now weighed on their shoulders; they could not crush them with a burial-spade like com- plete natures; they stamped their faces (the cares did the twins’ faces) with their pon- derous crow’s feet. Still, at times, like spring- cleanings, came pee Mee ings. A whiff of yellow tuli | MORE SHE-NOTES, | |

Cit yd ae ean , WH iy 7 Wy ay Si \'\| Faas ’ | ° I a* i ‘ } \ “ALL’S WELL!” Cockney Volunteer (on Sentry go). ‘‘Haur! Wo Gors THERE!”

Rustic. ‘It’s ALL ROIGHT, Man, Or cOOMS ALONG 'ERE EV’RY MAARNIN’ !

on the breeze, and they woul drink in the sunlight and the the words—** The presence of influence, CHAPTER

| trough like square pegs in a The spectacle of i them, rigid with wrath, glamour of things. 1 An odd, earnest, ineffable look jumped into her eyes. be made with Rosenery. their teh-black, with of changing grey to pi es ethereal blue, where the oa shone through. To their and the dew and the early worm. Even now as they peered into this book of forbidden sentiment at the two lovers is so enchanting to each there gurgling with gutturals. The peculiarity of Cuamors Hype was that he could not bear else” —from some faded, twilit cellar of the past came the bleating making other people—college dons, for instance—ridiculous. About lyre-bird of carnal reverie; but the astuter of the two scented | himself it did not so much matter. tangibly the cloven hoof, and coming to her better self with a/ hard on the heels of a good degree strangled ‘* Oh! ” she cast the book into the stove of the Queen Anne parlour, so suggestive of their own aloofness, void as it was of dog or waste-paper basket, or English grammar, or any such humanizing | other that it seems it must be the When Maxoerine entered there was the usual family aloofness in her face, but also a new element of allevia- tion. Always plastic as the compound from which she derived her name she had now reached five feet seven and a half inches, and from the crest of her unutterably pullulating womanhood could afford to look down imper- sonally on her maiden aunts as they struggled in the round hole. ; leather was in her nostrils, | and the vile smell of it gave her an insight into the | Situation. Plunging her Aunt’s best silver-plated sugar- tongs into the flames, she rescued h i — it above the coming tempest like a brand,

dying day the twins never forgot the smell, or cea from the pain of their in- capacity to grasp the fresh, unmellowed point of view. Points of view are the very dickens, “ At last she got less rigid, and became nasty in soft, sweet, labial gutturals, like the whoop of a bull-frog on = sleepy pool just above the am. ** Ts this well-born and well- bred in you, I ask?’ There efiant abasement in her tone. ‘“‘Of course you can’t help it. You never loved! Pooh!” The two elder Miss Dem- wines crushed the fledgling secret of the late curate into its nest, and vituperated till ier 1. nae st amotio. ng winded. sf ieiinke-aiitesienel — viper—alleviator! Pass from our twin presence!” MARGERINE moved toward the door; then, by a quaint habit that was a third nature to her (she had two others), she stood there absently, ajar and aloof. Her air of distino- tion came right out through her wretched frock. Then she went to the le we singeing her Pagan chee with the smouldering volume, her young, expansive brain hot with the thought that there were no other copies in the vi **Unless he sends for @ er from town I shall never be able to keep up my unreasoning, palpitating ec- stasy. I must have some ventilation for my inevitable- ness, or burst.” She rang for fresh tea. The crumpets were crystal-cold. She tasted one, and had a qualm, as if her sympathies flowers and the beasts and the fishes were getting enlarged. For a moment she wondered what a head- best thing possible for everybody hunting-field, a nurse, a complicated kiss, a ; disillusionment, in the order named. A poorer, singler man, with the same prancing tip-toe spirit, would have lost all sense of |decency, and written a book. But being rich, and, by profession, At that moment a pair of swift, Pagan feet sounded in the passage. | married, he also was on his way to the usual trout-stream. ache such as she had read about in books could be like. The next, she was down by the trout-stream, familiar in all she-notes, and lay Oxford had succeeded Eton, and had come a cropper in the , marriage, Which was a thousand pities, and comes into the next I. chapter.

PROVERB FOR CHAPERONS,. F Liets of a feather spoon together ; Amorous pairs k on the stairs.

writes to us our er shrivelled treasure Chap-on-knees !” and Jap axp Cauxs.—* What a curious metamorphosis ! ” contributor-at-a-distance, Hexr von Sacerarep. ‘ Herr John Chinaman is suing for peace! so that the Chinese party real

half-seas-over with the Comment By A LasovcnertaN,—Resolutions cannot

Tue New May.—Woman.

et St | 3 : ;

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ee [Novemper 24, 1894. LOLMEL Uy ! Vij Yj ee OA /), j EY a///} . Minister. Parishioner THE Tasie!” luoiwu sly). , ei a ee Wy, ifn — / j /} ad }to tell a listening world that one | | year is dead and # | more joyous, because they ring in a |} | pointed SSS as > * ‘OH DEAR, NO, JAMES, THERE'LL BE NO NECESSITY FOR WHISKY IN HEAVEN.” ; ‘* NECESSITY OR NO NECESSITY, I MAUN SAY I AYE LIKE TO SEE IT ON THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. Il.—Tue Pusiic Meriise. I pRomiseD last week that the third chapter should be devoted to my meeting, and a Wix- xins’s word is as good as his bond, in point of fact, if anything a trifle better. But I think I ought first to mention that since the account of uy aay Mrs. Leraam Havirr and rs. Anpte Marcu appeared in print, I have been subjected to the annoyance of receiving an anonymous letter. I should be the last to suggest | that either of these ladies, for whom my admira- tion is equalled only by my respectful awe, had anything to do with this missive, but here is what it contained. “It is easy to jeer at Woman, but be warned in time. Herday will come. Already, married or single, she may vote, already County Councils tremble at ber word. Treat Woman with respect, or it will be the worse fr ou,” These last words were written in red ink. i con- fess I’m not easily frightened, but I don’t like this kind of thing. And all my wife says is that it serves me right for getting mixed up in these public affairs at my time of life, and that I ought to know better. ** You're not fitted for it, Toxormy,” she says **and you’ll only be made a fool for your pains.’ I am very fond of my wife, but I wished she wasn’t a prophetess. It is time to come to the meeting. It was held in the Voluntary Schoolroom, granted to me by the Vicar, on the express condition that I should be strictly non-political. The room was crammed with s, men and women, married and single. The Vicar brought his daughters, two charming | Brack Bos and his mates | were there, in solid rows, whilst Mrs, | Havrrt and Mrs. Marcu both turned up, attended by body-guards—the one of Women Liberals, the other |of Primrose Leaguers. When the irman rose at half-past seven it is no exaggeration to say that the |seene was striking and impressive, | Then, two minutes later, I rose, and commen my magnum opus of | 0 . I had fifty-two pages of notes, I drank six g of water and twenty-three people left before i |had done, which was not until an hour and five minutes had elapsed. | [ don’t for a moment complain that twenty-three left; my complaint is | that the number was so few. My peroration, to which I had devoted | days of care, somehow hardly had the | effect I had hoped for. | “*This is indeed a memorable year,” | said; “* agen of truly rural sig- nificance. It remains with you to | show that you are prepared to rise to | the height of the occasion. If you | do this, if you grasp firmly the bene- | fits which this Act offers you, then |when next New Year's Day the | gladsome bells ring out once again | girls. that another lives, | they will sound all the clearer, all the | year in which Mudford will have a Parish Council.” Then I sat down, amidst subdued applause, which, i admit, disap- me. The Vicar's daughters |never even took the trouble to |applaud at all, and both seemed to | have something to confide to their | handkerchiefs. Black Bos whis- | pered to his neighbour, ** Laying it on thick to-night, isn’t he?” I wonder what he meant. After this commenced a torrent of questions, forty-six in all before they were done. May I never live to have such another experience! All the points I had evaded, because I had not understood them, came up with | hardly a single exception. One man asked, ‘‘ Can the Parish Council re- move the parson’’’—a most em- barrassing question, which evoked roars of laughter from the audience, and a look of indignation from the Vicar. And the awful conundrums! | —most of which I had_ to content — with giving =e — is one. ‘Supposing only eight people come to the Parish Meeting, and a Parish Council of seven has to be elected, and suppose seven of the eight are nominated for election, and the seven are elected chairmen of the Meeting in succession, and have all to retire because they are candidates for the Council, and suppose the eighth man cannot read or write, when he’s pro aschairman, goes home, how will the Parish Council be elected ?” I simply said I would consult my lawyer, and, if necessary, take counsel's opinion. Of course there was a vote of thanks, and of course it was carried. When I got home, my wife, who had declined to ‘go, asked me how it had all gone off. “‘ My dear Manta,” was all I said; “‘you are quite right. A man at my time of life ought never to start taking part in public | affairs,”

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- a i ee ee i. ee Novemsgr 24, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 251 ee THE DOOM OF THE MINOR POETS. Wuen Minor Poets grew so rife, They found a Minor Puet’s life Was very little fun. The Spirit of the Age they prayed They might be melted down, and made Into a Major one, Each had a very little spark Of genius, that in the dark Might clearly be di But in a universal glare ! Who could perceive a rush- light, where By myriads they burned ? The Spirit heard the prayer a7 urged, That all their merits might be merged In one enduring Fame: “Yet, ere you all are whelmed and gone, You,” she declared, ‘‘ must fix upon The Major Poet’s name.” Uprose a mighty clamour then, For Smita proposed the cogno- men Of Sarru, in ardent tones. “More suitable for high re- Cried Bnox pears th ri nowy, “a e name of ., P JonEs advocated JonxEs, Expecting yet some verdict clear, The Spirit waited half a year = spread her wings and Bat ere she fled, pronounced | SHALL ¥xPEcr yor. ' THINGS THAT ARE SAID. *‘ Now, Mason DO YOUR VERY BEST TO COME TO US Ox TuxsDay. I! this curse: DISAPPOINTED | ’ |" You ail shall read each other's verse Till all of you are deed!” Grams, overburdened by the oom, Sank spe-dily into the tomb. __In padded cells and lone There wands rothers,whoabuse |All day the volumes they peruse, But never ope their own! CROSSED! (To a Girl at a Distance. ) Wuy must you go four thou- iles away ? It throws our correspondence out of gear ! {day— [ cannot cable to you ev'ry It’s much too public, and it’s rather dear ! You write for sympathy—I sympathise; [alter date, You get my answer ten days And then, with spirits sky- high, you despise My poorattempts your sorrow to abate | Meanwhile, to my hilarious last-but-one Here comes your late but similar reply ; But now my turn at dumps has just begun— I can't enjoy your triumphs while I sigh! {nd so our moods go see-saw, e = and down, , ur letters cross, perversely cold or fond ! [here's only one redress—come back to town, But IF YOU CAN'T COME, OF COURSE I SHALL NOr BE And then we'll meet, and cease to correspond | THE MUSIC WITH A FUTURE. (An Imaginary Sketch of How Things can not Possibly be Done.) Scene—The Composing Room of an I\lus- trious Musician. The lllustrious Musician discovered deep in thought in front of a Piano, Illustrious Musician. ( picking out the notes with one finger). ‘“*Damty dumty, dumty dum dum.” No, that isn’tit! I am sure had it just now. (Tries again.) “ Dumty dumty,dumtydumdum.” No, that’s not it either! I must try it again—oh, of course, with Herr Vow Baxcemnér, Now to sum- mon him, (Blows trumpet), That ought to bring my aide-de-camp. (Fiourish of trumpets, drums ; doors thrown open, and enter a Regiment of Infantry, with its full orgs pomegt B. cers, Colonel (saluting). Your Majesty required assistance ? I, M. (considering). Yes, I knew I wanted something. Oh, to be sure. Will you please send Herr Von BanoEmnor to me at once. Colonel ee Sea sabenty. (To troops.) ht about turn. [ Fiourtsh of trumpets, drums. The Regi- ment retires. Enter Herr Von Banoxunor. Herr Von Bangemnit obeisance). You te Sequined tear eosetenes ? - I. M. searcely that, old Double Bass. The fact is T’ve just com avery pleasin trifle, but I “ne write it down for the life a me. FB ae ke to heer it? H. V. B, 4 te creep 'y, your Majesty. I shall I. M. Well, it goes like this—** Dumty | dumty, dumty dum dum.” See. ‘‘ Damty dutty, dumty dum dum.” Now, you re-| peat it. H. V. B. (who has been listening intently). “* Dumty dumty—dum dum.” I. M. et oe No, no; you’ve got | it all wrong. See here, ‘‘ Dumty dumty, | dumty dum dum.” . V. B. (in an ecstacy). ‘* Dumpty dumpty, dumpty dum dum.” Perfectly charming! It is really excellent! I. M. ( pleased, but suspicious), You really think it good ? H. V. B. Good! that isn’t the word for it. | Excellent! first rate! capital ! I. M. 1 am #0 glad you like it. I daresay | you could write it out for me ? H. V. B. Oh, certainly. Beautiful! Only wants a little amplification to take the musi- cal world by storm. I. M. (much pleased), You really are ex- | ceedingly complimentary. You are indeed. 5 gee re eee Se & eee . V. B. I should think so. I will turn it | into a march for the age mb I. M. And for the Infantry, too? You see, thers might be jealousy if you didn’t. H. V. B. Quite 0. And there should be marches for the Artillery and Engineers. Then of course we should have a version to Se paged by the Navy, first in fine weather then in a storm. I. M. 1 think we ht to do as much. And of course the children sh ve a version suitable for their shrill voices. And it could be used as an opera, and played on the organ. All this, of course, you manage ? H. V. B. Certainly, you may be sure it shall become univexcally popular, I will score it for every conceivable instrument, and every possible audience. It shall be played or sung in hospitals, railway stations, echools, and in fact every where ! LM. \t shall! But there must be one version t a man how to play the tune with a solitary er. H. V. B. May I venture to ask by whom that last version will be used ? I. M. Why, old Double Bass, can’t you guess? Why, man alive, I shall play from it myself ! [Tableau and Curtain, NOVELTIES IN GASTRONOMY. TaLx about the Chinese eating dogs and cats, and the eel of the South Sea Islanders for Missionary, what price this, from the Daily Telegraph ? OAST COOK (single) WANTED, for large hotel. State age, and last reference. ae aw ate a md tpt he a gour- met, for as to age, never eats them married, Or is it that he likes them single in ee to double, as, per contra, one t prefer double stout to single stout After this, we shall ex such deli- cacies as Boiled Butler, Sauce Maitre d Hotel, Fried Footman, garnished with Calves-foot jelly, or Pickled Pageboy with Button mush- rooms, Every fashion must have some in- augurator ; and who knows but that we are on the eve of cannibalism, and that the Advertiser and the Daily Telegraph are its joint pioneers ! ge Bae el peter 2 er states

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 24, 1894. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Wrrres a Baronitess, ‘‘ How quaint and simple appear the affecta- tions of Miss Jane Austen's heroines in Pride and Prejudice, especially now that one’s mind is confused with the v ies of the newspaper-created but impossible ‘ New Woman.’” Rather different days then, when girls addressed their mothers as ‘‘ Ma’am,” and were afraid of getting their feet wet, which was unromantic, and bread-and-butter romance was the fashion of those times. No matter, these romantic young women knew how to dress, according to the exquisite illustrations of Hvuen Thomson. What could be expected but sentiment, when the young men i oa 80 pic- turesquely attired. This new edition of an old work is charmingly got up and published by Groner Atay. Turning very early nineteenth cent attractions, I tind A Battle and a Boy staring at me from a brilliant red binding. The colour suggests a gory fight, but there is nothing martial about it, only a Tyrolean peasant-boy in a pugilistic attitude with another boy. He is having it out before starting on his battle of life, which, ing place in the gay Tyrol, where things happen out-of-the-way, Biraycne WILLIS Howarp has made it more interesting than an every-day fight. | arcana of nature have been gradually disclosed.” “* Epison’s literary | proclivities,” he adds, in a sentence that recalls struggles in the ouse in Windsor Terrace, City Road, where David Copperfield was a lodger, ‘‘ were seriously hampered by the collapse of the family fortunes, and the early necessity of gaining his own livi Despite | his paucity of years, and the practical claims which life had already | imposed, Eprson devoted every spare moment to the improvement of | his mind, and profited to the utmost by the wise and gentle tuition lof his mother.’ My Baronite can almost hear Mr. Micawber’s | voice choked by a sob as he declaimed this last sentence. Fortunately (or unfortunately) Mr. Micawber does not last long. After the first chapter his hand is rarely seen, he probably, the God of Da gone down upon him, having been carried to the King’s Benc prison. For the rest, the book is an admirable account of one of the most marvellous lives the world has known. Much of it is told in Epison’s own words, conveying simple records of magic achieve- ments. The book, luxuriously printed on thick glazed paper is adorned by innumerable sketches and portraits, illustrating e life and work of the Wizard of the Nineteenth Century. B. pe B.-W. FIRST IMPRESSIONS. Frorence is undoubtedly one of the best places in the world for | studying pictures. Resolve to visit the Pitti Palace, Now I shall | see something like a palace—the home of the Mepict, adorned with all the beauty of sodiiinatuse and —_— ‘ |ture which they loved so well! 0 monotonous, painted barrack like Buck- | |ingham Palace, no shabby brick house Most Iuteresting / Most young women nowadays like to be here, there, and every- where, and so you will find them in the Fifty-two Stories of Girl-life, by some of our best women writers, and edited by ALrrep H. MIves. Messrs. Hurcutwson who, publish this work, might head their adver- tisement with ‘Go for Miles—and you won’t find anything better than this.”” Other jokes on * miles” they may discover or invent for themselves. These are mostly for our big girls, but the little ones will find a gorgeously gay Rosebud Annual for 1895, quite a prize-flower, exhibited by James Crank & Co. ; whilst Rosy Mite ; or, the Witch's Spell, by Vena Pernownya Jeviprovsxy,—this is a nice easy name to ask for!—is a most thrilling nur tale of howa little girl, who ought to be an arithmetician after being reduced to the size of her little finger, is able to subtract much adventurous interest from among the insects and the insect-world, and is fall of — undivided wonders. The illustrations, by T. Pym, show how charmingly unconven- tional life can be in such circumstances. charming, after long years of parting, to come again on Mr. Micawber! Of all things, he has been wri an account of The Life and Adven- tures of Thomas Edi- son (CaaTTo anp Win- pus). The book pur- ports to be the joint work of W. K. L. Dickson and ANTONIA Dicxsoy. But t is only his modesty. The ee oe is unmis- takeeble. Released 2) Pront and Nephew i By Our Own Biep Fancrenr. from the swaddli clothes of error and superstition,” no one but Mr. M. could have written, ‘the inherent virility of man has reasserted itself, and to the untrammelled vision and ripened energies of the seientist the | like St. James’s. And now I shall see a | collection of pictures worthily housed in a magnificent building! No contemptible piece of architecture like our National Gallery, where you fall over the staircase / directly you go in at the door, and where, when you have recovered yourself, you find three staircases, facing you like the heads of Cerberus at another entrance, and always go up the wrong one, and have to come down again and clamber up another before you find what you want. Even then, if you seek the water- colours of the greatest English landscape painter, you must go down | yet another staircase into the cellar. Aseertain the position of the Pitti Palace, and stroll gently towards it. There is plenty of time, for the daylight will last another three hours. Cross the Ponte Vecchio, and reach a large open space opposite a magnificent jail. Yes! Even the jails here are magnificent! Continue strolling on until I arrive at the open country. Ask the way to the Palace, and am told that it is about two kilométres back along the way Ihave come, Curious that I should not have noticed it. Return, looking carefully right and left, but do not see it anywhere, and again arrive opposite the jail. Ask a man! meet how that prison calls itself. He informs me courteously that it is the Palazzo Pitti. That! That dismal, monotonous, gloomy, brown structure? Why, Buckingham Palace is a joy for ever com- pared to it, and even Wormwood Scrubbs Prison reveals unsuspected charms! Would like to sit down to recover from the shock, but as one is more likely to find a public seat in a London square than in an Italian piazza, this is impossible. Therefore, totter to the great central entrance. Perhaps the grand staircase leading to the galleries may be as attractive as the exterior is forbidding. Discover that the entrance to the alleries is by a small side door, where leave my walking-stick, and climb a narrow, steep staircase. Then climb a narrower and steeper staircase, and finally reach a staircase so steep and narrow that it might more re I | | Cook’s Tour de Force. be called a ladder. Begin to think have mistaken the way. Perha shall find myself in the attics of the Palace, and be arrested as an anarch- ist. Have left my stick below, and have not even a poet with which to protect myself. Step cautiously up the first rounds of the ladder, when suddenly a large body com- pletely fills the space above, and comes slowly down. It is impossible to go on; itis impossible to remain ; where I am. Must therefore go down to the least narrow staircase, and wait till the obstruction has Do so. Awful pause [What the obstruction was, “A Frast Impresstonist” will tell us in our next.—Ep. ]

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Novemese 24, 1894.

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SIR JOHN TENNIEL'S | 2% First Volume of this specially printed Edition (strictly CARTOONS. limited to 500 Copies) is ready, and in the hands of the 2 fine Volumes. Price 2 guineas nett. Booksellers. A s very few Copies are now available, imme- ABE ey ees 2 diate application should be made. Volume 2 on Dec. 11th.

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ON OPOLE nest and @Xurions beaside Hote! in the Vorid ee RUIN] VAPHIC INY | BOND ONDON W. itographs auures of 1 Pictures TRATED | LOGUE Decempsr 1, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 253 ICHABOD. As over London Bridge I went A constable I spied: His head upon his breast was bent, Against the Ler og he leant, \ He gazed upon the stream intent, And as I passed he sighed. ‘What ails thee, officer?” I cried In sympathetic tone, __ ‘* What sorrow in thy soul is bred? Nay, we shake thy mournful ead, But tell me of thy woes instead — Thou shalt not weep alone.” He eyed me for a moment's space In half-suspicious doubt ; But reading not a single trace Of aught but pity in my face, He told me of his hapless case And poured his sorrows out. “ Time was, not many months His voice began to quiver— “ vam, in a stately march and slow, The tide of traffic used to flow In floods as full as that below ”’— He pointed to the river. ‘From early dawn to dewy night It still blocked up the way : The am wain, the hansom ght. The Fey ous roar brit e gi e t, And e’en the pew ems “Amid the throng I took my stand, I watched them come and go. Anon the serried lines I scanned, Anon I raised a warning And lo! at my supreme command The flood forgot to flow! Were Y > atheiiiaies and still. THESE FLOODS ARE STUNNING |! WFEKS BEFORE THE TIME!” “The bus, the cab, the coach, the| Harrow Boy (gloomily). ‘‘I wisu To GoopNEss THe Gov’NoR HAD | sufficiently “fleet” to run away SENT ME TO Eron. We 'RE UP ON A BEASTLY HILL HERE, AN’ NO they coul "t ** bolt,” and so were CHANCE OF ANY FLoops !” em = ——— Sy 4 See THE ADVANTAGE OF HIGHER EDUCATION. Eton Boy (who has come to see his Brother at Harrow). ‘I say, | rested by the police and walked off Wr ’'RE ALL sENT HOME, Fovr | to Bridewell. Ominous names for In all the crowds that pasred me by Was no one of degree so high That dared my sovereignty defy, Or disobey my will. ** The hansom hasting on her way Paused when she heard my call. The coster checked his donkey- shay, The qeteed lord his prancing a All, all were + to my sway, My word was law to all. ** Alas! alas! ’tis thus no more! Gone is my pride and power ! Where thousands passed in days of Across the bridge, we've scarce a score, For now the tides of traffic pour Round by the busy Tower. “And I pap Sel fo seouen, clone My life is lived! my day is done! Othello’s occupation ’s gone— Ah! would that I were dead!” He ceased. The manly voice broke down. I could no lo stay, But, as I hurried off to town, upon him half-a-crown, And joyed toseethe hopeless frown Die for a while away. “Tue Rarers,’’—Sure as our Raiders know, just one hundred and nine persons, sus of re- sorting to the Albert Club, in Bolt Court, Fleet Street, for the pur- of betting,—much as thei Cajon do elsewhere,—were rod the locality! As they weren’t all * caught!” NOMINIS UMBRA. Wuat’s this? Discoloured, left by chance Within this dusty letter-rack— Dear me! The programme of a dance Which I took in ten years back ! “The Towers, Rigden,” at that date _The Denvers’ house. Sir CHARLEs has flitted Since then to some secluded State Where creditors are not admitted. There’s not, observe, a single blank ; . Behold what energy was mine Ten years ago! I used to rank A waltz as something quite divine ; All night its mazes I pursued— At least (this statement more precise is) With but a pleasing interlude For mild flirtation, “‘ cup,” and ices, And then, my partners—twice, I see I danced with FLorence SuItH, who’s wed Sir Cresus since, and ‘“‘ Eraer V.”— Ah, poor Miss Viviay, yes —she’s dead. ** Miss Jonnson ”—I remember her / She told me man was quite demented, A Sarah-Grand-Phi Before ‘‘ New Women” were invented. And others follow. Though I’m sure 1’m fairly certain as to them, Here is a mystic si q For hn, ts Sete ee Gee “a? I danced with her four times! My word, ; What said her jadicial ? *“May”? “Many”? “Muarer.” ? It’s ab- I cannot construe that initial ! (surd, I wonder, vaguely, where we met, And how it was we came to part, And whether I have left her yet rmanently-injured heart ; A Well, faded programme, you may go, To tear you up at once were better ; But yet—I’d greatly like to know The meaning of that mystic letter ! Parliamentary Aspiration. (By Jeremy Micawber Diddler.) Or the (£)300, grant but three, I'll make a shape for paid M.P. A Lecrure on TemPerance. “ My empty friends, I see you were all drunk last night. This can not occur again!” LINES TO A LADY. (A Misappropriator's Apology.) My dear Miss B., I cannot rest by day, At night I never sleep,—or not for long. The reason is, it grieves me much to say, I’ve done what I’m afraid you'll think is wrong. I’ve stolen something—don’t, I beg you, For m4 a thief—I trust I do not look it. You missed when I went off a photograph ? Prepare for a surprise, twas I who took it! How did I doit? Well, the day I left I got down early— an hour or more Before you knew it, That’s why you're bereft Of that one photograph from out your store. Yes—I have sinned, and suffered on the rack Of ised remorse, although I trust I May be forgiven. I’li send the portrait back it that A only way. But tell me— must *“Qorre a Larrie ’Oxrpay.’’—Last Satur- day the 7imes notified one ‘‘ Henny Hoxt- paY” officially in “* editorial” type that, as a = Ame itll ye i ined, a i or, an enerally settled all round, they meant to give the subject a complete holiday, but that as re- garded the gentleman of that name who wrote to say ** he wasn’t satistied,” the Times must treat he | him asa" Dies non,’ VOL, CVI, Zz niditinentindineieecuke ‘ A it hate a

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[Decewnmer 1. 1894 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

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yj ee Le Z “i \\% f | ig | ‘ il ined Ze +f Eni th yj " Wl Wy y m il } Vip < AB, 7M ; I MAY FIND THIS EMINENTLY SERVICEABLE FOR EXAMINING THE LIBERAL Masoriry.’ (“ Mr. GLapsrowsg has become an honorary member of the Guildford Microscopic Natural History Society.”—Daily Papers.] G. * Mr.

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Decemper 1, 1894.} PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 255 A MATTER FOR CONSIDERATION. Scenz—-Jones doing Honeymoon Driving Tour in Ireland. His Leader has just got one of the reins wnder his tail, and is lashing out vigorously. Jones. “‘ Here! HI THERE ! CATCH HOLD oF HIM! HANG IT ALL, CATCH HOLD oF HIM!” Pat, *‘ BeGoORRA THIN, WAS IT THIS IND YE’D BE AFTHER WANTIN’ ME TO HOULD?” THE DAY OF SMALL THINGS. Ir you want a receipt for that Popular - oe Jam and geolo ious ** apology” Known to the world as our own Grand Old F geology, Pt ap an, Take all the Titans and Crichtons of bistory, Rolling ’em all into one—if you can. Take Junius Cesar and TietaTH-Pn EsER, | Brastpas, ‘‘ Bonry,” and General Boorn, | Homer and Horace, and TurreR and | Morris, Cicero, Cavin, and Lovis Kossu1H ; Gores, Saxcnez, Sir ARCHIBALD ALISON, Prato, Aveusting, and W. Sreap, With—but mere catalogue moveth man’s Be i Blow, hy “‘ tak ead all Biography “* taken as read”’ ; en, if you’ve lumped the Divine and her, Sophist, and Casuist clever to gloss over, Orator, Essayist, Scholar and Bard, Best Swordsman or “ Pug” who e’er fenced, smote, or sparred, Toppers too many by far to enumerate, Melt them all down to a splendid con- glomerate ;— Then you will find your ingenious plan Misses nine-tenths of our own Grand Old Man. Yes! Grpert’s Heavy Dragoon, on a paragon, an. Was not a patch on our own Grand Old Duleet as hydromel, tart as fresh Tarragon ; Homeric in wrath in the scrimmage’s van, Horatian at homeand at ease,—merum nectar, (As Scaricer said of that sweet Ode to -) Fierce as Atonzo the Brave’s fiery spectre, Or, mild as a Jute or the lark’s firra-lirra! | Male CLEoPaTRA, whom “ age cannot wither,” Whose wondrous variety custom can’t stale, | All round the Universe, hither and thither, Rambles his genius, aged but hale. ‘or tiny flaws in the arms of theology. Auti-Besantine attacks on Theosophy ; Obiter dicta on Art and Philosophy ; Hox tey-d fiance on errors of Science, nd—— Ah! What is this? Why an optic appli- ance! Not Miuton’s great optic tube, nor Lord Rossk’s, But- something to peer at a microbe’s pro- r8cis, A marvel of high-polished glittering brasses, And soft-winding screws, and adjustable lasses ; ’ omall world of wheels as a galaxy shiny, Admitting the gaze to a world yet more tiny Of butterfly down and midge-stumachs and wings! Well, Witusam, old friend, ’tis the day of small things, Most of the matters on which prints are topical, Strike a large intellect as— pay ! Jove—or Achilles—the world now delivers To myrmidons ant-like who swarm, fume and fuss. Parties sem split into sections and slivers, Each of which bellow, ** The first place for Us! piney apgry and all-round abun ' you may your new instrument 7) To—shall we say— gauge the New Leaders’ authority, Or look at that small, dwindling Liberal majority ? RUBINSTEIN. Since PaGanrynt, fingers never wrought Such marvels in the mystic realm of sound As his who from the ringing keyboard brought A world of wondrous wizardry, which bound Fen ignorance in an astonished rapture. That world isclosed, whose magic ** sesame”’ He only held, where he alone could capture The spirits of strange woe and witching glee, And set them sounding in dull human ears. Music whose memory moves our smiles and tears, New Nursery Rhyme. (On the New (Nursery) Art.) Her! ’Tisa riddle, A do and a diddle, A fad, and a lunatic lune ; A scrawl and a smud, e, And in fact arrant fudge, To be kicked to Art’s limbo—and soon. Monetary Multum in Parvo. Do not spend your life -' spending ; Borrow never, promptly pay ; Save—but not with od ing; Give—but wisely—what you may : He who lends himself to /ending, Gives himself away. The Journalistic Jettatura. Insen is angry that some Paul Has blows the gaff” on bis ot! Bye. Personal prattle and egotist bounce, These great Insen may well denounce. Not to bewitch, but to swagger and spy, Is the basilisk tatk of our ** Evil I.”

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256 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemezr 1, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story im Scenes.) PART XXII.—A DESCENT FROM THE CLOUDS. Scere XXXIL—Jn the Elizabethan 11 a.m.: Lapy Marstre and UnpEeRswet are on a seat in the Yew Walk. | Lady Maisie (softly). And you really meant to go away, and never | two—until I had gone, in fact. let one of us know what had happened to you! Aloud That certainly was my intention, only I was—er—not —_— to carry it out. I trust you don’t consider I should have een to blame ? Lady Maisie (with shining eyes).“To blame? Mr. Brare!l As if I oa av do that!! (To herself.) 4 He doesn’t even ‘see 1 splendid it was of him ! Garden. Trae—About | pn discuss Captain Tuicxwessx, particularly now that he has left Wyvern. Suppose we go back to Mr. SpvruEtt. , of course, that, in leaving him in ignorance as you did, you acted from the best and highest motives’; but still—— Und. It is refreshing to be so thoroughly understood! I think I ow what your “‘ but still” implies—why did I not foresee that he | would infallibly betray himself before long? I did. But I gave |him credit for being able to sustain his part for another hour or toy | Lady Maisie. Then you didn’t wish to spare his feelings as well Undershell (to himaelf). How easy it is after all to be a hero! | as ours? a few hours. | | Lady Maise (slowly). I see. Und. To be quite frank, I didn’t trouble myself about him; my sole object was to retreat with dignity ; he had got himself somehow or other into a false position he must get out of as best he could. After all, he would be none the worse for having filled My place for It didn’t matter to you whether he Und, (to himself). 1 begin to believe that I can do no wrong in her | was suspected of being an impostor, or made to feel uncomfortable, eyes! (Aloud.) It was not altogether easy, believe me, to leave’ or—or anything. Wasn’t that a little unfeeling of you ? without even having seen your face; but I felt so strongly that it was better so. Lady Maisie (looking down). And—do you still feel that ? Und. I must confees that I am well content to have failed, It was such unspeakable torture to think that you, Lady Marsie, you of all people, would derive our sole idea of my personality rom such an irredeemable vul- garian as that veterinary surgeon —the man Spvere.y! Lady Maisie (to herself, with an almost imperceptible start), 1 suppose it’s only natural he should feel like that—but I wish —I do wish he had put it just a little different)y! (Aloud.) Poor Mr. Srvrrett; perhaps he was not exact] y—— Und, Not eractly! I assure you, it is simply inconceivable to me that, in a circle of any preten- sions to culture and refinement, an ill-bred boor like that could have been accepted for a single moment as—I won’t say a Man of Genina, but Lady Maisie (the light dyin out of her eyes). No, don’ t—don't go on, Mr. Brarn! We were all exceedingly stupid, no doubt, but you must make allowances for us —for me, especially. I have had so few opportunities of meeti people whoare really distin ished —in literature, at least. Most of the people I know best are—well not exactly clever, you know. i so often wish I was in a set that cared rather more about intellec- tual things ! ms \ \ ull) i) —. “ Do come and search for snowdrops! ”’ \ . y) py. ‘ =i | | 4 Und. Unfeeling! I allowed him to keep my evening clothes, which is more t a many—— ! Lady Maisie. At all events, he may have had to pay more heavily than you imagine. I wonder whether—— But I suppose any- thing so unromantic as the love affairs of a veterinary surgeon would have no interest for you ? Und, Why not, Lady Matste ? To the Student of Humanity, and still more to the Poet, the humblest love-story may have its interest- ing—even its suggestive—aspect. Lady Maisie. Well, I may tell you that it seems Mr. SpvrRey has long been attached, if not actually engaged, to a maid of mine. Und. (startled out of his self- possession), You—you don’t mean to Miss Pariirpson ? Lady Maisie, That is her name. How verv odd that you——_ But perhaps Mr. SpurRELL mentioned it to you last night ? Und. (recovering his sang- froid), T am hardly likely to have heard of it from any other quarter. Lady Maisie. course not. Andi did he tell you that she was here, in this very bouse ? Und. No, hejnever mentioned that. {What a} singular coinci- dence ! Lady Maisie. Yes, rather, The worst of it is that the foolish girl seems to have heard that he was a guest here, and jum to the conclusion that he had ceased to care for her ; so she revenged her- self by a desperate flirtation with Und. (with infinite pity). How some worthless wretch she met in you must have pined for fréer air! How you must have starved on | the Housekeeper’s Room, whose flattery and admiration, I’m very such mental provender as, for example, the vapid and inanecommon- much afraid, have completely turned her head ! places of that swaggering carpet-soldier, Captain—Taicxser, isn’t it? Und. (uncomfortably). Ah, well, she must learn to forget him, Lady Maisie (drawing back into her corner), You evidently don’t and no doubt, in time—— How wonderful the pale sunlight is on know that Captain Tuickwesse distinguished himself greatly in the that yew hedge! Soudan, where he was very severely wounded. _ Lady Maisie. You are not very sympathetic! I should not have _ Und, Possibly ; but that is searcely to the point. I do not ques- | told you at all, only I wanted to show you that if poor Mr. SrpuRRELL tion his efficiency as a fighting animal. As to his intelligence, did innocently usurp your place, he may have lost—— But I see a the less said the better. all this only bores you. Lady Maisie (contracting her brows). Decidedly. be 94 have| Und. Candidlv, Lady Marsre, I can’t affect a very keen interest suatienss at once that Captain Taickwesse is a very of | in the—er—gossip of the Housekeeper's Room. Indeed I am rather mine. i é — that you should condescend to listen to—. Und. Really? He, at least, may be congratulated. But pray 'y Maisie (to herself). This is really too much! (Aloud.) It don’t think that I spoke with any personal animus; I merely happen | never occurred to me that I was “ con ding” in taking an to entertain a peculiar aversion for a class whose ession is sys- | interest in a pretty and wayward girl who happens to be my maid. tematic slanghter. In these Democratic times, Humanity is| But then I’m not a Democrat, Mr. Bian. advancing by leaps and bounds towards International Solidarity, Und. I—I’m afraid you construed my remark as a rebuke ; which soldiers are such grotesque and unnecessary anachronisms. | it was not at all intended to be. aay ee (to herself, with a little shaver), Oh, why does he—| Lady Maisie. It would have been rather uncalled for if it had been, why does he? (Alowd.) 1 should have thought until war | wouldn't it? (Observing his growing uneasiness.) I’m you itself is an anachronism, men who are willing to fight and die for | don’t find this bench quite comfortable ? their country could never be quite unnecessary. But we won't Und. \—er—moderately 80. (To himself.) * There’s a female — a aa ae \

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 257 | Decemasr 1, 1894.) figure coming down the terrace It’s horribly like—— But that must be my morbid fancy ; still, if I can get Lady Maisre away, just in ease— (Aloud.) D—don’t you sitting still becomes a littlke—er— monotonous after a time? Couldn't we—— He rises, spasmodically, Lady Maisie (rising too), Certainly ; we have sat here quite long enough. It is time we went back. Und. (to himself), We shall meet her! and I’m almost sure it’s—— I must prevent any—— (Aloud.) Not back, Lady Maistre! Yoo Jun penis to show me the orchid-house—you did, indeed ! Lady Maisie. Very well; we can go in, if you care about orchids, It’s on our way . Und. (to himself). This is too awful! It is that girl Parison. She is looking for somebody! Me! og On second thoughts, I don’t think I do care to see the i detest them ; they are weird unnatural extravagant thi Let us turn back and see if there are any snowdrops on the lawn behind that hedge. I love the snowdrop, it is so trustful and innocent, with its pure green- veined—— Do come and search for snowdrops ! Lady Maisie. Not just now. I think—(as she shields her eyes with one hand)—1’m not quite sure yet—but I rather fancy that wnat by me “oe other gg ‘nd. (eagerly). I assure you, y Matsre, you are quite mis- taken. Not the /east like her! : Lady Maisie (astonished). Why, how can you possibly tell that, without having seen her, Mr. Barr ? | Und, I—I meant—— You described her as ‘‘ pretty,” you know. | This girl is plain— distinctly plain ! | Lady Maisie, 1 don't agree at all. However, it certainly is | Puritrpson, and she seems to have come out in search of me; so | had better see if she has any message. Und, She hasn't. I’m positire she hasn't. She—she wouldn’t walk like that if she had. (In feverish anxiety.) Lady Matste, shall we turn back? She—she hasn’t seen us vet / Lady Maisie. Really, Mr. Buarz! I don’t quite see why I should run away from my own maid! . . . What is it, Pariirpson ? [She adrances to meet PHILLIPSON, leaving UNDERSHELL behind, nises me. I saw her face ! She’ll be jealous, [ know she'll be jealous—and then she'll tell Lady Marsre everything! . . . wish to Heaven I could hear what she is saying. Lady Marsre seems agitated....I—I might stroll gently on and leave them; but it would look too like running away, perhaps. No, I'll stay here and face it out, like a man! I won’t give up just yet. (He sinks imply upon the bench.) Afterall, I’ve been in worse holes than this since I came into this infernal place, and I’ve always managed to scramble out—triumphantly, too! If she will only give me five minutes alone, I know I can clear myself; it isn’t as if I had done anything to be ashamed of, . . . She’s sent away that girl. Bhe seems to be expect- ing me to come to her. . . . I—I suppose I'd better. [He rises with effort, and goes towards Lady Matste with a jaunty unconsciousness that somehow has the air of stopping short just above the knees. COUNTING NOSES, BeTwEeEN nose and nose a strange contest arose Concerning the smells from a ‘ [their foes Some thought ‘them like Eau de Cologne, whilst Denounced them as sickly and sewery. [Cologne, *Twixt the Rhine, which (see CoLeRIpGE) washes And that sweet ‘‘ Cologne water” that scents it How now shall the difference truly AM Aliit » - P beknown? [resents it! trange comparison ! Jy ! ; Hifi (7 Oh! what is an odour, and what is ho a “stink” ? {dub i.) 1 ..(As the outspoken schoolboy will If mer Er is asked to decide, well, ’ By Sipe. In puzzlement pure man must— rub it! If the fragrance of ‘‘ grains” will to t drains, And to others bright Bendsineer's vosee, a = Sanitation’s big pro! a puzzle remains, Since it all seems a question of noses. = New Drrector to Royat Cortese or Music,—‘* Who would succeed Sir Groner Grove?” that was the question. The answer to the inquiry 1 “Who but Parry?” Whereupon Husert OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. : 4 vee are’ disposed to deny to Mr. Giapstone a of humour. ey will surely er their pent in ow of the fact that the late Prewrer made the author of Work and Wages (Lowemans) a Lord-in-waiting to the Queen. The volume contains y a & series that i Tisengneut, the book is marked by a broad spirit which, if more common, would make strikes much more uncommon, As Mr. Grorcz Hower in his / introduction points out, : when in 1869 the young member for Hastings (not yet Lord Brassry) addressed the House of Commons on the subject of Trade Unions there were very few members who knew anything about the caljest, except that they did not like it. Mr. Brassry, the son of one of the employers of labour of Godey, had the — Cy oes peenpmine ys — i eaastried organisation represen r, see inst trades unions removed by the House of Commons, The book fs, my Baronite says, the most valuable contribution to the intricate uestion discussed of any recently published. Truly a most remark- able work for an ex-lord-in-waiting. We shall next hear of Mr. ‘‘Bossy” Sprmxcer coming out with a treatise on the Solar motionless, Und. (to_himself). It’s all over! That vonfounded girl recor- | poraliax “With delight,” writes a young Baronite. “‘ the ordinary schoolboy I turns from even Old Aisor’s words of wisdom to the ever-blissful fascinations of cowboys, Red Indians, and all the untrammelled pleasures of ranch life which are to be met with in following Zhe Great Collie Trail, by Epwarp * oe & Co.); ne certainly life appears very, so very interesting, when you can be a hero with Buffalo Bill effect.” Five Stars in a Little Pool, by Evrrn Carntnoton (Cassect & Co.), suggests lives and billiards, but that is the wrong cue to give, except that it is five little stories in black on white, ** red”’ is added when you ’ve finished the book. CasseLt & Co, evidently, or, says « Baronite fresh from school, ** Ovidently” put a new construction on “‘ Ars est celare Artem,’ for in their Magazine of Art it is dearig shown not only what Art does but how it does it. The etchings vures are charm- ing. There is a capital article on stage costumes, and among them is found the original idea out of which the fashionable Serpentine dance was twirlingly evolved. Most little people will be much amused by the ish tale of Toby, by Ascort R. Hore. He is not of course Mr, Punch's **Toby,” cela va sans dire, There cannot be two Tobies, It is ‘Toby or not Toby,” and there is no “question” about it. This Toby, to whom the Toby never stood godfather, gives us the benefit of his amusing opinions. He is bevnaht out by Lywes (& Co.), and is ed of the daintiest dogs in the ty Series. So much for oby. Any who read the first series of Eighteenth Century Vignettes, by Austr» Donsox, will eagerly welcome a second series issued by the same publishers, Messrs, Cuatro ayp Winpvs. Of all writers at work to-day, Mr. Austin Donson is most profoundly steeped in the literary ersence of the Eighteenth Century, and is most successful in ucing its flavour. In writing about Swirt, Ricnsnnson, Dr. Jounson, or the to y of Humpneey Crinxen (a learned, yet most mellow disquisition), he does not escend to the easily- acquired trick of introducing archaic words, or inverting sections of phrases with which we are familiar in the works of some other artists on the same broad pavement. Yet, withal, there is in the rod Bea of these pleasant chats round abut the old writers, booksellers and bookbuyers, a certain distinct Eighteenth Century flavour. 8o intimate is Mr. Dossow with the ways, the persona! appearance, the dress, the daily environment, and the little gestures the more or less wiabty ded. that he is able to recall them to startlingly vivid life. His picture of Swirt writing to Sretis from his bed in the back room of a first floor in Bury Street, St. James's, is PARRY was Now, all music at the College, of whatever nationality, will be taught @ la mode de Parry. ’ asterpiece of li raiture. = mor Tue Baron pve Boox-Woxms. ON Tl ES

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[Decempex 1, 1894. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A SNUB. Hypatia Roland (to the Brown's Parlowrmaid). ‘‘Cauu uz A HANsOM, PLEASE.” Cadby. *‘1'’™ corse Your way, Miss Rotanp, WE MIGHT GO TOGETHER.” Miss Roland, ‘‘ Two Hansoms, PLEASE!” “ALL’S WELL!” A Dozr. Re-arranged ( for Lion and Bear) after Dibden. [‘‘ Several Russian newspapers publish articles . . « declaring that an Anglo- Russian understand- ing would be of enormous advantage to the respec- tive interests of the two nations, besides promoting European peace.” — Times. } Spoken, Russian Bear (with effusion). Now this is really delightful ! ’ cordially). Most charming, British Lion I’m sure! R. Bear. What I've longed for for ages! B. Lion, What I've wished for centuries ! R. Bear, Strange how long we have been separated by on rejudice ! B. Lion, Though our respective dens are so conveniently situated for mutual calls, and genial interchange of love and liquor ! R. Bear. Why, I like you immensely, now I see you near. B. Lion, And I’m enormously taken with you, at close quarters. _ 3. Bear, You have little of the Lion but its magnanimous courage. B. Lion. And you have nothing of the Bear but its skin. R. Bear. The kind things you have been saying about me lately have quite touched me. B. Lion, Don’t mention it, You deserved "em all. Delighted to render any little civili- ties to a near neighbour, ially in time of trouble. R. Bear (much . A thousand thanks! Leo! Let me em you. No longer afraid of my hug, are you ? B. Lion. Not a bit of it! Oh! this is something /ike a ‘* Russian Advance!!!” R. Bear. And this is indeed a right ** British Greeting !f! !” B. Lion (aside).“ Wonder what the Gallic Chanticleer thinks of this /4 R. Bear (aside). Fancy the Eagle eyes us a ae eeuniy. B. Lion (aloud). Well, let us meet often, Bruin, and talk things Teutonic over amicably. R. Bear (aloud), e will, Leo, we will. Ah! what a pity we didn’t know each other before ! B. Lion. Yes, indeed. However, All’s well that ends well ! R. Bear. “ All’s Well!” ‘Ah! Cue for song! Let{us warble! They sing :— Converted (rather late than soon), We peace proclaim,—thrice blessed boon ! We meet, as friends, on common ground ; On sentry go no more tramp round ; And should our footsteps haply stray, Where treaties mark the warded way,— ** Who goes there ?’”’— Stranger quickly tell,— * A friend!” “The word!” “ Comrades !” * Att’s Wet!” Or, steaming on the briny deep, Watch each on each we scarce need keep From off the ironclad’s steel deck, Lest mutual foes meet common wreck. Lord, no! If a strange hull draw near, Af Ho, brother, «,aickly tell !— oe Above ’ ” * Below!” “* Messmates . “Att’s Weti!!!” ” lst Singer (crescendo). A-a-a-a-a-bove ! 2nd Singer (diminuendo), ' €-e-e-e-e-e-e-Low !! Tutti ( fortissimo). A-A-a-a-L’s WELL!!! [“*So mote it be!” adds Mr. P.] OLLENDORFIAN, (Example of the Very Latest French Exercise.) Ovr neighbour has many Colonies, The Colonies of our neighbour are very productive. Why should we not have (some) productive Colonies? The cock is more valiant than the lion, Let us send the Ambassador to the bad Queen. of the Ambassador. the sailors, the ships, the stores, and the ammunition will soon arrive. The island has a very good soil, but not a very good climate. Why have the soldiers and the sailors not yet marched to the capital? Because the Why have they got the fever? Because our neighbour is wicked. Does it rain like this every day? Yes, it rains every day in the wet season. in the island? There is no island. in it? My tailor, my butcher, m mother (the mother of my wife), and all — creditors, I hope, will go and live in it. e are not so rich as we once were. y are ve poy: Gogh dy —- | have spent our money in trying ve | big Colonies like our neighbour. If our neighbour is so wicked, why should we imitate him? He is only wicked because he | has (the) big Colonies. The bad Queen has pulled the nose | She is very obstinate, | but she is not very amiable. The soldiers, | soldiers and the sailors have all got the fever. | Which, then, is the dry season | season in the | It is right to live for glory. There | is much glory in shooting barbarians. When | the island is conquered, who will go and ae wiles | —-

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—- - —— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decempsr 1, 1894. Aw ty Y/, "yy Yj (Ap \ \\\ WS NY, Ui KAY y /; \ WA WY y 4 Ui, y i> - | }, oa |) NY 25° i) / YY dd iA ’ Afi YE, f; Y (7x “ ALL’S WELL!” | Burtise Lion axp Russian Bear (together). (‘WHAT A PITY WE DIDN'T KNOW EACH OTHER BEFORE!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 261 F ae AT; 1f\: =o “LZ * Vz f/ ———_—_—— LA Hl th t il yo i" ij —_—_——— i eee POLITICS AND First ’Arry. “‘ Hay, wot’s THIS "ERE RosEBERY A TORKIN’ ABAAT ? A GOIN’ TO DO AWY WITH THE LorDs!” Second ' Arry (more of a Don Juan than a Politician). o’ Lornps, IF HE LIKES, AS LONG AS HE DON'T DO AWY WITH THE Lipies!” ee GALLANTRY. BLEess’D IF HE AIN'T ‘*Do AWY WITH THE ‘OLE BLOOMIN’ LOT TALK A LA MODE DE LONDRES. Scene—Interior of a Suburban Railway Carriage. Brown, Jones and Roninson discovered reading papers. Brown, Wonderfal this war between China | and Japan. And all arising ont of the Corea. | By the way, where is the Corea ? Jones, Oh, close to Port Arthur. Haven’t 7. — the’ te hemes wine | tt al 80 to in the middie, Of course I know where the Corea is for about a hundred miles all round, but what ’s beyond ? (looking over the top of his paper). I fancy Russia. That’s dently why P the Russians took such an iaeunet in row. You see, of course, they want an entrance into the Mediterranean from the Black Sea, and if the Corea were definitely annexed by the “Seas, iy eae th got te i= rown, q pr Russians terest in the quarrel. Orrather did 1 eae that the Muscovites are on terms with « us, , it doesn’ t much matter what rown. Of course not. Such good taste of the Czar to make the Prince a Colonel of the | Kiel Hussars, and saying, too, that his bride was ae ap not German. The new Emperor naan ly pe. eciates the value of an English you see France, too, wants to join “~¥ Jones. Then that will put everything right about Egypt, M r, and Afghanistan. Robinson (emerging from his paper). I never could see the use of the Suez Canal. No more rd Sabeseten. And vouldn’t we get to _— quite as quickly by the Pacific Rail- wa a (doubtfully). 1 think not; although, of course, it shortens the route to ‘Australia, I fancy it wouldn't help us much with Egypt. Jones. Why, the Pacific Railway is in Canada ie - inson, I suppose it is. Returns to the perusal of his pa eee, Wee that the Pacific Railway n't Pt You see, the Americans are waking gt even proposed to intervene in the have abandoned the old policy of keeping themselves to themsel Jones. Of course that’s impossible. You see that while we are so violently in favour of free trade, we must take an interest in transatlantic politics. Brown. Yes, there is a good deal in what you say, and I su on account of = fall in silver we all must be care- a OES from his pa r). Perhaps Sioscemnee with bi-metallis ain enters tunnel, and in ‘the rattle the talk subsides, THE NOVELIST’S VADE MECUM. (Compiled by a no aens “ry strong views on e Question, Which do you prefer—a novel in three volumes, or in one single tome ? Answer. That isa matter that entirely depends upon terms. Q. Then you are indifferent as to length ? 4°A. In everything save the figures of a cheque. Q. But is not Art your first considera- tion ? A. Certainly, when it leads to a sub- went balance at my bankers. Then you write foriyour living ? > 7 Certain] aly, or I shouldn't Jive at all. Q. Which do you prefer—a story pro- duced in parts, or a story published as a whole? A. Again a question of terms, Still, if remuneration is equal, sketches of c sharac- ter are easier than construction of plot. Q. When is the latter necessary ’ A. When the novel is written for a serial, and is published with the standing announcement ( frequently repeated), **to be continued in our next.” Q. Is it difficult to sketch character ? A. Not if you do not mind irritating yous friends and driving your foes into unacy. Q. How do you'irritate your friends? A. By pawn mm in an amusing manner their peculiarities Q. And how do oe medion your foes? A. By oo them over in a dead silence, sternly refusing to recognise their existence. ei a should you treat your contem- wt % its vin appreciate your work at its proper (that is to say, your own) value, yon will not admire contemporaries, Q. And what will you say of authors of the Pe That it is fortunate that they did live i in the past, as they certainly do not exist in the present, and will certainly not revive in the future. Qa. How should you criticise a contem- porary’s novel ? A, If you are sure of his influencing a criticism of your own work favourably, ise his romance sky high. If he is, a reviewer's a of view, a neglig- a quantity, why, treat him on that % Then what is your motto | ? ** Nothing for nothing.” é Do you consider a novelist’ s life the -_ form of existence ? I should say yes if I did not know ta form of existence to be even better. ¢ And what is that ? Japanese controversy. That shows they Inheriting a fortune, putting your ~.S in 3 wg I nowt of your life doing nothing.

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HebadtdS Beat hmv FSU SSeS Se ae lUvSHle tt ~~ YY = =~ = |S” .lClUrelCO OU lhe Ce - @?gtke fez .,. Far ,-.2°*es=.l—CUCUCrhr,.,.mlC<Cr RK ClO = 5 ES S°he GE A NEBR E<s =< ES a = | Seem ss Cha Sess 2 fc OSS SOOO cmmnaniininll | s i < os a le. = = ae 4 | (‘ONT M SZHL NO ONOULS GNV "IQAILNGI4 snNoovig) “ONILOOBS L14RZACD @ILLIT VY ‘Sd33d SOINOLSIHSYd [Decemper 1, 1894

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

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Decempsr 1, 1894.) OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 263 | AMARE, O! (By an Usher.) Wirn weary brain I hear again | The drowsy urchins stam- | mer, O, | From mensa down through every noun (mar, O! That’s in the Latin gram- And when declensions pall, why then, | The exercise to vary, O, | | bid them show how well they | know | My sweet, sweet verb, Amare, 0! | “* 4moa, amas,—lI love a lass,” | Herdaintynameis Nancr,O, | And none but she shall ever be | The darling of my fancy, 0! Amavi—well, in love I fell, | And sure’twas no vagary, O, For since that day I’ve learnt the way To conjugate Amare, 0! I whisper now, ‘* Ama, Love thou!” Amongst the fields of bar- ey, O, And Nance replies, with brimming eyes, “T love, I love thee, CHarurg, 0!” Amo, ama, the livelong day I'll teach my winsome fairy, O Forhasnot sheresolved with me To conjugate Amare, O ? CAUTION. The Mojor. ‘‘ Don’t you LIKE Liqueurs, Mrs, Jinzs!” Mrs, Jinks, ‘‘ Yas; BUT THEY MAKE ONE 80 UNRESERVED AD JOVEM PLUVIUM. (“Ju Plu has been in his best form lately.”"—Sporting Paper.) Exotayp farewell, when From d . a eve to dawn pour, I fly cones the heaving main ‘o Aden or to Cawnpore. The deep floods hide my native , No more as land I rank it, envy on some foreign stran The brown i man in his blanket. Through sandy deserts he may But bright suns shine for him there, home And if he wants to r his He never has to swim there. There would I dwell, away, awa I fly, , om floods disdaining, Where Jupiter can rule the day Without a thought of rain- a Sone To BE Sune at THE Re- CEPTION oF M. ALpnonse Dav- DET (when he comes, and may it be soon !).—** We love *Jacn’" 1 ee For Grammanians, — The latest Oxymoron ;—the new Pianist, Herr Saver, playing a ** suite,”’ ” THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. IV.—ELEcTIONEERING. WuatTever my wife may think about my public meeting, and whatever I may feel ab ut it myself, one thing is quite certain—that it has left Mudford a very different village from what it found it. ‘hen I commenced my great efforts in the cause of citizenship there was apathy and ignorance amongst the ‘* idiots"’—as my friend Miss Part. Buutr insists on calling the villagers. Things travel yuickly nowadays, and at the present moment we are all ablaze with the excitement of electioneering. I ought to say at once that T have taken as yet no steps in my own candidature. I feel that, after the part I have played in the great Drama of Village Home Rule, the next move fame to come from a grateful and appreciative peasantry. In point of fact, I have been expecting every day, every hour a deputation to ask me to allow myself to be put in nomination—I fancy that’s the correct phrase. So far the deputations have been as conspicuous by their absence since the meeting as a annoying by their frequency | before. Another curious fact I have noticed in this. Weare to have a Parish Council of seven. Thus far I have heard of exactly seven | candidates and no more. This means that when I am nomina’ | | shall be, of course, by all sections of the community (for | feel in | my inward heart that it will be “‘ all right on the night’), there will be only one candidate too many. Who will be the unsuccessfal one ? wonder ! Of the seven candidates, I should first mention Mrs. LerHam Havirr and Mrs, ARBLE Marcy. Both of these ladies have started & vigorous campaign, and—mirabile dictu! (it makes one feel so literary to introduce every now and again a tag of Latin)—are running amicably her. Ata Parliamentary election it’s a case of war to the knife, but now the lion lies down with the lamb ; not that, for one single instant, would I insinuate that either is a lion, or, for the matter of that, a lamb. I should be ashamed to be so funiliar, Mrs, Havrrt’s placards are everywhere on the walls. The e feet of contrasts is at times surprising. For instance— Use Bawawa Soap Leraam Havirt FOR THE ParisH CouNciL. Mrs, ARBLE Marcu is no less en isi | to you to vote for “the March of Ideas, funny, but I have no patience with making : . No one, at any rate, can ever accuse me of being intentionally funny. , and has le appeals ” and Othe Marah of It is announced from the Hall that the Squire has very _' consented to stand ; the Vicar follows his neighbour’s example, an: will no doubt be returned, if for nothing else, as a compliment to his two charming daughters. (I think I must ask them to canvass for me when I come out. My wife declares she won't, and that she won’t let my girls either.) That makes four candidates. The other three are BLack Bos and two of his mates, who are claiming support as the ‘* People’s Three.” ; And now comes, perhaps, the most extraordinary thing of a!l their programme! I tind that it is full of the most (so-calied) advanced ideas, bat that the plank which seems to be the most attractive is “Free Trout-fishing!” 1 confess I co hardly believe my own eyes when I read it. In the first place, it seemed so farcical. In the second rar the only trout-fishing in the neigh- bourhood happens to belong to mz! What’s more, I dont see an way out of the difficulty. {met Brack Bos a day or two ago an asked him how he ever got sach an absurd notion into hi+ head that the Parish Council had an thing to do with trout-fishing. ‘* It’s all right, Mr. Winxrns,” alt he, “just remember what Section 8 says.”’ I said nothing at the time, because I thong as a fact that that section referred to Boards of Guardians. When 1 looked at the Act, sure enough ted, as | I read, as being one of the powers possessed by the Parish Council— “(¢) To utilise any well, spring, or stream within their parish”... « I read no more. I had read enough. How any Parliament can ever have dared to insert such a monstrous section I cannot er- stand. But thereitis. ‘ Free trout-fishing!’’ Well—there ought to be someone on the Parish Council to defend the rights of property. I shall be the man. Next Tuesday the Parish Meeting in the Voluntary Schoolroom at 7.30. It cannot fail to be an eventful night. Room-attics. (“‘ Madame Parri caught cold in a damp artist’s room.”— Weekly Paper.) O morst, unpleasant artist, you were surely overbold [oold. When your rheum—(corrected codiieg|—anee our nightingale a When thermometers are falling you ’ll discover to your cost That a singer who has started damp is bound to be a “* frost.” Nor a Goop Name.—It came out in the Haxprye-Cox divorce suit that ‘‘McNas” was the Scotch equivalent in hotel visitors’ books for ‘“‘Surrn” or “‘ Jones.” It may be equivalent, but it isn’t good for ** McNan” ; as where Suir and Jones might get off, the Scotchman would be ‘‘ MeNabb’d.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemame 1, 1894. |

FIRST IMPRESSIONS. (CONTIN UED.) Ler me collect my seattered senses! WhereamI? In Pitti Palace. ‘i tee ag I hear footfall | Perhaps it may be one of the officials, and I shall be | | money ? On narrow staircase. Probably on forbidden ground. descending. caught in the act of attempting to enter the royal attics! What would bethe punishment?’ Death, or penal servitude ? ws or the galleys’ Have happily several one-lira notes in my pocket. If these are not sufficient, five lire, or even ten—— But I shall see what sort of man he is. Perhaps a few coppers would be enough. At this moment obstruction descends, and I discover that he is a fat German pleased to leok ot 6 German, Gough tha Pp to ata e cat of this one’s clothes is even worse than / usual. Feel inclined to fall upon his neck and murmur “ Mahizeit!” or ‘* Prosit!” )° or some other idiotic exclamation peculiar to his country. F y, remember that these are only said in connection with eating or drinking. Perhaps, if I were to remind him of drink, after he has spent hours in a dry, hot : it would not tend to conciliate him. Therefore muster up the - dozen words of his awful language which years of anxious stady have enabled me to master in all their complexities of gender, number, case, declension, conjugation, agreement, government, &c.—not for- | gettang the exceptions—and, taking off my hat, ask him if this is the entrance to the galleries, ‘* Ja wohl,” says he. And moreover if I go up these stairs to the tev. ‘* Ja wohl,” says he again. Em- boldeaed by his courteous affability, I remark that the staircase is very narrow. ‘‘ Ja wohl,” says he, for the third time, and passes on. A very interesting conversation with an iatelligent foreigner in a country where we are both strangers. There is nothing like travel toenlarge the mind. Besides, one learns so much of fureign languages when one hears the varied idioms and phrase< of the natives. Thus meditating I arrive at the top of the ladder. What a smell of paint! They are evidently doing up the palace. Turn along a passage about two feet wide—how that German got through it has puzzled me ever since—and find myself in a magnificent studiv, filled with painters, easels, palettes and canvases, with the smell of paint. That German deceived me. I have come to the wrong place after all. Am just about to apologise and retreat when I perceived a fine old master on the wall. Peeping amongst the painters, easels, lettes, and canvases, perceive | other old masters, almost entirely hidden by the various erections of the students. At this moment an official rings a small bell. Ask him if | may he permitted to look at some of the pictures on the walls, if it would not be interfering with the painters, ‘* Certainly, | signore,” eaves he. And ask him where the Pitti Gallery is. ‘*It is here,” says he. What? I have reached it at last! But how can one see anything when the whole place is choked up with these execrable modern copies and the apparatus to su them? How- ever, I will see what I can now that I have got here. Happily the dayhght will last tor at least another hour. ‘* But,” continues the official, as I meditate, ‘‘it is now four o'clock. The gallery is closed.” A Frest Lepressionist. JOHN BULL A LA RUSSE. Tue Novosti and other St. Petersburg peer favour the notion of an Anglo-Russian entente cordiale. We shal! have to adapt our conversation to our new friends. As thus :— Scene—The Strand, Enter x. and 1. teeo quondam Cockneys. Why, there ’s young Woratorr!... Ihardly knew you, little pigeon. in that fur shuba! Zzzdrrravetv—I mean, be in good health, Gospodin Duorowisky, how do yon live on? What do llive on? Why, vodka mostly, now that we've all turned Murcovites. But where are you gving, Ivan Ivanovrrcn ? I'm off to call on the Punchski Redaktor, at 10, Bouverieskaya Ulitsa. Why, so am [! let’s hire a droshki. Khorosh6é—exeuse my sneezing! ...+ Hi, izvostchik, drive us to | the Punchskoye Bureau. What's the fare? two roubles? oh, non- sense! you shall have fifty kopeks, and ten more for tea-money ! | What an improvement those bells are, tinkling in the daga over | the horse’s neck ! Yes, bat Bozhe moi! that was a near shave with that runaway troika, down Wellin swords now to stop the traffie with. . . . Hullo, the Lyceumski Theatre is closed ! and | lations.

m Street! How lucky it is the politsiya wear | Yes, don’t you know Gospodin Irvine and Gospozha Trxry are on tour ? Oh, so they are.... Will you smoke? Here’s a papiroska, with anks, I'll finish my sweetmeats! What, the thief of a vanka wants more Why, we ’ve only gone a verst! Let ’s send for an i vnik, and have him knouted!... got your passport yr Yes—tchort vozmi! I mean, confound it! The dvornik here says the Redaktor’s too busy to see us! tkaya dosada—what a Bed ... Never mind; come and have some shtchi and pirogui at the Gaiety Restaurant! They’ve a very good zakuska there to whet your appetite with! All right, little brother! ... I say, old man, I can’t keep this up | much longer. Let’s chuck it and emigrate! Where to? Oh, St. Petersburg, where they ’re all talking Engli«h now, as a compliment to our * Prints WaLesx1”’ and *‘ Ghertsog Yorxsx!.”’ Very well. Ta-ta! do svidanya till to-morrow! Well. here we are. ... Have you

AN ENGAGEMENT. (A Page from a Diary.) Monday.—Delightful news! My sister Neire is engaged to be married! It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest suspicion that Ne.ire cared twopence about old Goopsopr Sr. Leezr. He is such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in love. However, it’s a capital match for Neve as Sr. Leegnr’s firm are about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may nuw have achanceof going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets iato a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate Nettie. Rather a trial for the poor girl, asall sorts of female rela- tives had cailed full of enthusiasm and congratu- Goopnopy was there (NELLIE him **Gooprr”’) and seemed rather overwhelmed. He weat away early and didn’t kiss Netuiz. I thought this funny, and chaffed Neue about it afterwards. ; She said she ’d soon make that all right. Tuesday.—Gooppopy is getting on. We had a family dinner at home to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air of great determination, marched straight up to NELLIE and kissed her violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt in- clined to cheer. He kissed her again when he went away, and lin- gered so long in saying good nicht to my mother that we all thought he was guing to kiss her too, But he didu't. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was dreadful. Vednesday. — He has kissed my mother—on both cheeks. I must say the old lady tovk it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very least prepared for it. It happened at five oclock tea, in an interva of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to Neue about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon her. My wife told Macere it would be her turn next. Thursday.—It has been Macete’s turn. Goopsopy called at home on his way frum the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the drawing-room. He first kissed Nettie, then repeated the performance with my poor mother, and, finding that Macere was a coats him, he kissed her on the forehead. Where will this end f Friday.—He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and, without a word of warning, kissed the whole family— my mother, Nexiire, Macere, Atice, Mapet, Potty, Mavp, an little Beta. He quite forgot he had begun with my mother, and, af‘er he had kissed Beta, got confused, and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt CATHERINE whom we had brought in our carriage. Both my wife and Aunt CaTHEKINE tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what ought to be ioe. Aunt CaTHeRtne had a violent fit of hysterics in the spare bedroom after dinner. | : Saturday.—The engagement is broken bff. A great relief. It has been a lesson for all of us.

Deak To Dustuen.—“ A big, big D”—in the window.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Dadmudea 1, 1894. JRorenaseet giLLOTTS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dscemezr 1, 1894 ce: TT A PICTURE GALLERY FOR ONE SHILLING! PEARS’ ANNUALS NOW READY. Fourth year of this now well-known superb Annual, consisting of CHARLES DICKENS’ GOBLIN STORY “THE CHIMES,” WITH 80 ILLUSTRATIONS, IN HANDSOME COLOURED COVER, ‘Specially Drawn by CHARLES GREEN, RL -_ A CHRISTMAS OFFERING. By Sani. This te @ Miniature Copy af one of the Thres Presentation Plaire. tt ts printed in Twelve Jolowrs, and measures, without the margin, 17} ins. by 244 ins. THREE LARGE PRESENTATION PLATES * % 2 0 wet can. ty Creme 1. “A CHRISTMAS OFFERING.” From the Original Painting by Sani. Size 174 by 24 ins. | 2. “SEA HORSES.” From the Original Painting by Fred Morgan. Size 17} by 25} ins. | 3. “THE FISHERMAN’S WOOING.” From the on eee by De Blaas. Size 32 by 15} ins. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. Ne ne nan eS, BF Gam a SEA HORS«S. By Fred Morgan. This te another of the Three Presentation Plates. It is printed in Fourteen Colours, and measures, without the margin, 17} ine, by 25% ins. *,° As the whole Edition has always been sold either before or within a few days of Publication, early application is necessary in order to secure * copy of this really artistic and marvellous production. 7 PRICE ONE SHILLING. Published by the Proprietors, Messrs. A. & F. PEARS, Limirep, 71—75, New Oxford Street, London, W.C.; by Messrs. Gorpow & Gorcn. in Melbourne : and by THe LyTeRNaTIONAL News Company, in New York. Sold by Booksellers and Newsagents all over the World. = sok ths Precinct of Whitatrasn, in the City of Lendem, ana pubttched 67 han Sk Ns. Sh Flavt Servet. i the Parish of Su. Brisa’ Gar ef Lenten tGereees?: Sinsabe Sia

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Two Vols, demy we ie parte the} have all the character of a novel roa nHE SUICIDE CLUB; THE RAJAN'S DIAMOND, yh Crown oro cloth ex ~* it pite w the apposite expression mM that ex ong Mr Clive Newcome and the sou yeitcan omly be Biled wit soul of him who does nw h @ tender pity for the » Gasert WEW THREE-AN)-SIXPENNY NOVELS. PUDD'N-HEAD WILSON. By ~ at = . With Portrait, and 6 Illustra THE BELL-RINGER OF ANGEL'S, &c. by Beer Haare Wations by A 8. BE u Man & VERNON’ § AUNT: Being the Oriental Experiences of Miss Lavinia Moffat By Bana de ssverre D can. With 4) iustrations | by Ha. Hone RAN FANNING’ ‘s | High Veldt. By Ben ese ‘ : f th The Gun Runner, Teen M [ The Lu 4 of « I ’ ‘The King + apiece by Srancer L STAR. By With 9 Ilius D. Aamovs, Devs PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dscmwnme 8, 1894. TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. 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N », Author of j Tales With 6 ilwsteations st. ANN’ 8 By W. E. Noxnis, | Authuro The Kogue } D*, in its NEW LIBRARY NOVELS, | ENDICOITS EXPERI. eet hy A Two Vols. rt and sensation Noon wan ET VALUE. By Authes of “The Duchess of e Renorast piemty of 4) needy aula A". MARK Ln 2 . &. 7 Dp *,¢ o: . o, net and af casy hnow ledg f the world.” —A ee I% AN JRON GRIP. By L.T. ols “An enc ny nove’, with beterest of various kinds.”"—Meanive Me ME: JERVIS: a Romance of the Indian f'itlle, By BM. Cuoxnen, Author of “ Tiena Harrington. & Three Vols “ Mra. Croker’s is alwavs a weleome name on the title page of a novel w THE GooD SHIP. “ MOHOCK.” hy W. Cisan Resse, Author of “ My Ship- mate Lowine,” &e wo Vols Mr Clark Russel! describes the sea as no writer of our day can deseribe it other ~—Lasoow Henao London: CHATTO @ WINDUS, 214, Piccadilly, W Mesars. 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| RCOAT UR STOR, ection of Pur }, either fer uoted will be | STOR', ERS, ,ondon. > unknows B OVE ft. mastanily rcome leas st, Hull. od ile, ‘ndors sik. KT BCBS, Decempgr 8, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 265 A TRIUMPH OF THE SCHOOL BOAR Tue collector of statistics was fairly a by the attitude as- sumed by his visitor, The elderly Jad (or, rather, very young man) had claimed admit on the ecore that he was an “‘old boy” of the Schvol Board. He wished to give his evidence anent the fate of the State-edueated juvenile population. ** And you say you are “not one of the 547 clerks?” queried the | colleetor. ‘‘No Sir, I am not. I would | rather beg my bread from door to | door than oceupy a lofty stool from | dawn to sundown.” ‘‘And you are not one of the 113 milkboys ?” “Again, no. It has been a tradition in our family for cen- turies to avoid water, so how could | I dabble in the milk trade?” ** And you are neither an actor, | a jockey, nor a hai xs * | am not,” was again the reply, | couched in a tone of hauteur. | ‘* And you are not a soldier—| one of the ten that left the School | rrp for the more or less tented | field 7” **T am not—nor a sailor.”’ | Then the collector of statistics | paused for a moment, and spoke | with a measure of hesitation. ** You havenot gonetothe bad?” | % a, my 333 schoolfellows ?” “ ‘es ” Then the red blood of the visi- GOING TO tor mounted to the roots of his| jy, the R T “ hair and uffused his cheeks With | Parenon 1 "in oan ros caw 0 crimson. He indignantly denied ' Hayy-4-Croon |” we Wo t-te ek Wea eee the imputation. He might be poor, t at any rate he was honest. ** No, he had never been in prison.”’ “Then what are you?” asked the collector, in a tone not entirely free from traces of annoyance. “Surely you must be something!” **T am more than something !”’ returned the viritor, proudly. ‘1 am unique~—I am a curiosity.” ** What may you be?” “I am a boy, educated by the School Board, who is satisfied to follow in the footsteps of his father, My father was a brick- layer, and I am satisfied to lay bricks myself.” ws eae is Ss or, g him ially by the hand, ** Tiepetelate you. This is the first time I have met a boy who has been satisfied to adopt the trade followed by bis parent. And now you can do me a small favour.” And then the collector engaged his guest to renovate the wails of his house, which (on ac- count of the scarcity of trained labour) had for many years been sadly out of repair. More Memonrrs sy Dean Hore.—We are gradually getting at the Hole Truth. Not a deep Hole, but a good all-round Houle, and, asa whole, eminently readable when you have a half Holeyday tospare. Sueerstion.—The Egyptiau / Hall is advertised as ** The Home EXTREMES. of Mystery.” Mightn’t the Lyceum be entitled, for adver- As suRE’s MA NAME’s TamMas| * “The H ’ YE, THOUGH IT BSHOULD cost mx | ti*ement purposes, as The Home of Miss Terry ? THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. V.—Tase ParisH Megrtine. : Mudford, December 4, 11.30 P.M. Tae Parish Meeting—long looked for, eagerly expected, anxiously anticipated—has come and gone. It has been indeed an interesting and eventful night. The meeting was called for half-past seven, and, when I reached the schoolroom, at two minutes before that time, the room was pas with parochial electors. A subdued cheer broke out as entered, and, bowing my acknowledgments, I found my way to a seat in the front row, which a thoughtful overseer had reserved for me, his fellow overseer being stationed at the door to see that only those were admitted who had got on the wedding garment ; or, to put itina different way, whose names were on the Register. I soon saw that, practically, everyone was present, There were the Marcuires, the Lernam Havirrires, and Brack Bos and his following, whilst the Vicar and the Squire were there, to lend an air of real intelligence and respectability to the whole affair. It never struck me before, though, how dull a man the Vicar is when you see him without his daughters—who, of course, were not present. Punctually at 7.30 the overseer asked the meeting to proceed to elect a chairman. There was a hush of expectant silence, and then Brack Bor jumped up and pro me. I had taken agreat interest in the subject, and the tremendous amount | knew about it made me the most suitable person to take the chair that evening. A warm glow of sati-faction came over me, which deepened into a sense of | burning joy when Mrs. Marcn seconded the motion, which was reed to unanimously. _I took the chair, and after a hurried glance at my instructions, in- vited nominations to be sent into me. Seven were sent in in the first two minutes—nominations of the seven who had previously issued election addresses. Then came an awful and an awkward pause. I waited, for I had to wait for a quarter of an hour—the instructions told me to. It was un mauvais quart dheure. Of course I was waiting for my own nomination. It is a humiliating fact to have to record, but it did not come. Then the whole thing became clear to me; my election to the chair = a sop to console me for being nt way. I put my hand in my pocket, and a minute before the time was up produced a nomination paper which I had got my gardener and coachman to sign. It is always well to be prepared for accidents, However, even bad quarters of an hour come to an end, and at the end of the remaining minute I announced that as I had been nominated myself, I could not stay in the chair. This was evidently an unex - pected turn, but Mrs. Lernam Havirr was equal to the occasion. She proposed the assistant-overseer. He was elected, declared all the eight nomination papers were in order, and then threw the meeting open to questions. The heckling began at once. I was the first victim over that con- founded Free Trout-tishing. Was I in favour of it? I said that as all there was belonged to me, it was obvious I could hardly be ex- poston to answer the question. Mrs. Agpte Marcu and Mrs. Lernsm avitr said they were pr to use all the powers the Act con- ferred as to free fishing. I noticed that a curious smile lurked round the mouths of both, and I should have said, if I had not thought it to be too ineredible to be true, that Mrs, Marcu almost winked her eye. Anyhow, the meeting cheered, and seemed satisfied. Brack Bors made a long and impassioned speech, in which he called the Act the Charter of the Peasants’ Liberty. This, too, evoked great enthusiasm. Finally the questioning flickered out, no one withdrew their candidature, and the voting commenced. I had previously noticed that there were 173 electors nt. My name—WIyxkine came last. Marvellous to relate, 173 hands were held up for esch of the first seven candidates—for I thought it only a courteous thing to vote for my opponents, When my name was put, only 59 hands went up. It will be noticed that the total number of votes was more than | seven times the number of votes, and no one ought to have voted ‘more than seven times! The show of hands was a fraud and a | farce, so it was only in common justice to the parish and myself that I should demand a poll. A poll I did demand, and we are to | have an election on Monday week. When I got home I found a letter from the Local Government | Board, referring me on the trout-fishing puint to the words of the | Act, to which accordingly I at once turned. Then I saw that the clause was “ to utilize any . . . stream within their parish .. . but so as not to interfere with the rights of any corporation or person. . .” | I had stopped short before at these words. I understand at last 'why Mrs, Anste Marcu winked—for wink I now know she did. shunted from the Parish Council. t I was not to be fcbbed off in this VOL. CVI, AA 5 3 z 5

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Weut,—I pvxno as I w » AND VARMER, FACH ON EM WANTIN’ TH’ ApprR, — an. BAT, J ASBON ON’T HAVE A BirsE At ir Mysetr'”’ Decemper 8, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. :/\g , “— 7 ‘ aK { D y y Sportsman (who has given a mount to a Nervous Friend), ‘Let HER HEAD Go! AND IF HE DOES—-? CaT IF you pon’r/” Ler HER Go, MAN! SHE’LL BE A REGULAR WILD “THE JUDGMENT OF ‘PARISH.’” (A very long way after the late Lawreate’s Version. ) [On December 4, every rural parish will, for the first time, 2 ssemalite for the purpose of managing, in some organised and systematic way, its own affairs.”’—Daily News. “ He invited them to choose men, and women too, who they believed would manage their parish affairs best.... If the leading landowner de- sired to have a large influence in parish affairs, and if he were a fit man, by all means give him the power; but if he was not a fit man, put in the agricultural labourer.” (Laughter and cheers.) —Lord Ripon at Newbury.} Spirit of the Good Old Times lamenteth :— Picturesave Parish, thankless-hearted ae ; olding a pippin big as a pine-apple, Came up upon the fourth to judge and vote. Fronting the dawn he moved; his Sunday smoe Draping his shoulders, and his sun-burnt hair Clustered about his forehead, freshly oiled ; And his cheek brighten'd as a cheek will righten After brisk towel friction ; and my heart Misgave me as to what might be his game. He smiled, and oy euing out his horny palm, Showed me the fruit of long, fierce party fight, The Power-Pippin, and what time I lovk’d, And listen‘d, his full-flowing river of specch Came heavy on my heart. ** Wha’ cheer old ’Ooman ! Old frump o’ the Old Times as fules ca’d good, Just twig this fruit! It’s gotten to be given *To the most fit.’ At present thof, ’tis mine, Ard I'll consider ere I pairt wi’ un!” And added *‘ This wur cast upon the board By Fow.er when the full-faced M.P. lot Ranged in the Halls of Stephen; wheerupon Rose row, with question unto whom ’twere ue; But artful ’Enery quickly settled that, Delivering this to me by t’ common voice Selected oompire. Passon cooms to-day, Varmer, an’ Grocer-chap, demanding each vai as ‘fittest.’ Ho! ho! ho!—to el!!! Ne’er thought to see sic spoort till Latter Lammas ! Squoire will look on as red as any fox, An’ as fur Passon’s miseus,--grutherem- grouts ! Wunt she fume foinely ? fe ’d best stand asoide ; Hide your old-farrant face behind yon ellum Hear all, and see your Parish judge the nobs!’ ’Twas as he said. To woo his voice they came, Humble they came to that smooth rustic sward, And at their feet the daisies seemed to droop At the un-English, strange, new-fangledness Of such a notion as for Church, and Land, And _— to “‘ tuck their tuppennies in” to —what ? This rustic Parish, once their humble slave Now their authoritative arbiter, And chuckling critic. Fools to Parish make Proffer of plenteous power, ample rule Unquestion’d, overflowing revenue haroe So to embellish village state and make The rustic home a rural paradise. W hat tommy-rot it is! So “‘ Passon’’ says (In sleeker language, be it understood), But offers him fair creeds and catechisms. | | And nice long sermons, and benevolent doles ; Tendanee in sickness, help at my as A Ye py presence,” crowning boon!— At church a happy place—in the free seats, Behind the pillar, with undying bliss In knowledge of True-Blue Supremacy. He ceased, and Parish held the costly fruit More closely cuddled. ** Varmer ”’ next spake out, - vane me, Hoper: I woo you not with gi Lang paeretions have not altered me, And Parish Meetings shall not. Trust your boss, They ’re bosh, Jad! Judge thou me by what I am, And you will find me fittest. But allow Those dashed Rad agitators to upset Our old relations, fill your mind with fudge Concerning healthier homes and higher wr ge. And it ’s all up with England, Me—and You / Tip me the Pippin!” . Parish cccked a snook, And held the apple tighter. As for him, The sleek mild , Parish shut him up Almost ’ere he had spoken. ‘I promire thee A good cheap article and lots of tick ——” But Parish said, ** Talk not to me of tick! I shall not need ’un wi my whacking wage, And ‘ overflowing revenue’ ; new cottage, Allotment patch, three acres and acoo, And a’ the rest o’ ’t. As for this here Pippin, I’ve grupped at last, ’tis mine, an’ I dunno As I won't have first bile at’un mysel !” He spoke and laugh«d. I shut my eyes in fear, But when I leok’d, Parish had raised his hand. Jad 5 Gene Se Faseess angry eyes, The Farmer’s furious glance, and, weazel-like, The glittering of the Grocer-man’s amaze. Sena CRATER

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268 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemnzr 8, 1894. — LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XXIII.—SHRINKAGE,. Scere XXXIIL—The Yew Walk. Lady Maisie (to herself, as she watches UN DERSHELL maytynty la How badly he walks, and what does he mean by smiling at me like that? (Aloud, coldly.) 1 am sorry, Mr. Bram, but I n:ust leave yon to finish your stroll alone; my maid has just told me—— ‘ ' Undershell (rehemently). Lady Matste, I ask you, in common fair- ness, not to judge me until you have heard my version. You will not allow the fact that I travelled down here in the same compart- ment with your maid, Parutrpsow Lady Maisie (wide-eyed). The same ! I thought you missed it ? Und. I1—I was not ao fortu- nate. It is rather a long and complicated story, but—— Lady Marsie. I’m afraid I really can’t listen to you nov, Mr. Brarr, after what I have heard from Paritireson—— Und. 1 implore you not to ro without hearing both sides. Sit down again—if only for aminute. I fee! confident that I canexplain everything satisfactorily. Lady Maisie (sitting down). I can’t imagine what there is to explain—and really I ought, if PHILLIPson —— Und. You know what maids are, Lady Marsrr. Thev em- broider. Unintentionally, I dare- say, but still. they do embroider. Lady Maisie (puzzled). She is very clever at mending lace, I know, though what that has to do with it—— Und, Listen to me, Lady Maisre. I came to this house at your bidding. Yes, but for your written appeal, I should have treated the invitation I re- ceived from your Aunt with silent contempt. Had I obeyed my first impnise and ignored it, I should have been spared humiliations and irdignities which ought rather to excite your pity then—than anv other seneation. Think—try to realise what mv feelings must have been when I found myself expected by the butler here to sit down to supper with him and the upper servants in the House- keeper's Room ! Lady Maisie (shocked). Oh, Mr. Brarr! Indeed, I had no —— You weren’t really! How could they? What did you say? Und. (haughtily). I believe 1 let him know my opinion of the snobhery of his employers in treating a guest of theirs so cavalierly. Lady Maisie (distressed). But surely— surely you couldn’t suppose that my Unele and Aunt were capable of f Und. What else could 1 suppose under the circumstances? It is true I have since learnt that I was mistaken in this particular | instance; but I am not ignorant of the ingrained contempt you | Aristocrats have for all who live by exercising their intellect— the | bitter scorn of Birth for Brains! | _ Lady Maisie. | am afraid the—the contempt is all on the other side ; but if that is how you feel about it, I don’t wonder that you were indignant. ) Und. indignant! I was furious. In fact, nothing would have indnced me to sit down to supper at all, if it hadn’t been for-—— Lady Maisie (in a small voice). Then, you ded sit down? With the servants! Oh, Mr. Brare! ; as tage ~ ey A aware of it. Yes, Lady Marsre, | endu even ti - t (wit imity) must not pate yourself about it now. yy) ee > 80! But swe came by that train. If J can forget it, surely you can | } Lady Maisie. Can1? That you should have consented, for any consideration whatever ; how could you—how could you ? Und. (to himself), She admires me all the more for it. But I knew she would take the right view! (Aloud, with pathos.) I was only compelled by absolute starvation. I had had an unusually light lunch, and I was so hungry ! Lady Maisie (after a pause). That explains it, of course.... | hope they gave you a good supper! Und. Excellent, thank you. Indeed, I was astonished at the variety and even luxury of the table. quails Lady Maisie. I am pleased to hear it. something you were going to explain. Und. 1 have But I thought there was orarv diversion in the state of Miss Patiirpson’s affections, no one could regret more deeply than I that the—er—ordinary amenities of the supper-table should have been mistaken for Lady Maisie (horrified), Oh, stop Mr. Brarr, please stop! I don’t want to hear any more. | see now. It was you who—— Und. Of course it was I. Surely the girl herself has been telling you sc just now! ady Maisie. You really thought that possible, too? She simply came with a message from my mother. Und. (slightly disconcerted). Oh! If I had known it was merely that. However, I am my—my communication in the first that I could trust you— even with my life. And I between us. You do feel that I only acted as was natural and stances ? Lady Maisie. Oh, yes, yes. I mean you did quite, quite right! Und, Ah, how you comfort me with your fresh girlish— You are not going, Lady Matste? Lady Maisie (rising). I must. I ought to have gone before. My mother wants me. No, you are not to come too; you can go you know. [ She walks slowly back to the house. can- not regret: having told you, if it | has enabled you to understand | me more thoroughly. It is such | a relief that you know all, and | that there are no more secrets | on and gather those snowdrops, | Und, (looking after her). She took it wonderfully well. I’ve made | it all right, or she wouldn’t have said that about the snowdrops. | Yes, she shall not be disappointed ; she shall have her posy! Scene XXXIV.—The Morning Room. Half an hour later. Lady Maisie (alone—to herself). Thank Goodness, that’s over! | It was awful. plum colour! How I have been mistaken in Mr. Biarr! That he could write those lines :— “ Aspiring unto that far-off Ideal, How should I stoop to any meaner love ?” and yet philander with my foolish Paituipson the momjent he met A ! And then to tell Mamma about my letter like that! Why, even Mr. Spurrett had more discretion—to sure, he w nothing about it—but that makes no difference! Ru#opa was right ; I ought to have allowed a margin; only I should never have [I don't think I ever saw Mamma a deeper shade of | been endeavouring to explain to the best of my | ability that if I have undesignedly been the cause of—er—a tem- | There was a pyramid of | | | inevitable under the circum- | I—I daresay you could not help | sure I need not ask you to treat | | strictest confidence, Lady | Master, Lady Maisie. Indeed, that is perfectly unnecessary, Mr. BraTR. Und. Yes, I felt from the |

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| —o = —_— 7!1l®e rae be Oo” O Decempzr 8, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 269 | allowed enough! The worst of it is that, if Mamma was unjust in some things she said, she was right'about one. I Aare disgusted Greratp. He mayn’t be brilliant, but at least he’s straight- | forward and loyal and a gentleman, and—and he did like me once. He doesn’t any more, or he wouldn’t have gone away. And it may be ages before I ever get a chance to let him see how dreadfully sorry—— (She turns, and sees Captain Tuicxnesse.) Oh, haven’t you gone yet ? Captain Thicknesse. Yes, I went, but I’ve come back again. I— I couldn’t help it; "pon my word I couldn't. Lady Maisie (with a sudden flush). You—you weren’t sent for— by—by anvone ? Capt. Thick. So likely anyone would send for me, isn’t it ? Lady Maisie. t don’t know why I said that; it was silly, of course. Bunt how—— ? Capt. Thick. Ran it a bit too fine; got to Shuntin’bridge just in time to see the tail end of the train disappearin’ ; wasn’t another for hours—not much to do there, don’t you know. Lady Maisie. You might have taken a walk—or gone to Church. Capt. Thick. So I might, didn’t occur to me; and besides, I—I remembered I never said -bye to vou. Lady Maisie, Didn’t you? And whose fault was that ? Capt. Thick. Not mine, anyhow. You were somewhere about the grounds with Mr. Brarr. Lady Maisie. Now you mention it, I believe I was. We had— rather an interesting conversation. Still, you might have come to look for me! Capt. Thick, Perhaps you wouldn’t have been over and above glad to see me. Lady Maisie. Oh, yes, I should !—When it was to say good-bye, you know! Capt. Thick. Ah! Well, I suppose I shall only be in the way if I stop here anv longer now. Lady Maisie. Do yon? What makes you say that ? Capt. Thick. Nothin’! Saw your friend. the Bard, hurryin’ along the terrace with a bunch of snowdrops ; he'll be here in another-—— Lady Maisie (in unmistakable horror). Geran, why didn’t you tell me before? There’s only just time! [She flies to a door and opens it. Capt. Thick, But I say, you know! Martsre. may I come too? | Lady Maisie. Don’t be a goose, Grratp. Of course you ean, if you like. [She disappears in the Conservatory. Capt. Thick (to himself), Can’t quite make this out, but I’m no end glad I came back! [ He follows quickly. Under shell (entering). I hoped I should find her here. (He looks round.) Her mother’s gone—that’s something! I daresay Lady Marste will come in presently. (He sits down, and re-arranges his snowdrops.) It will be sweet to see her face light up when I offer her these as a symbol of the new and closer sympathy between us! (He hears the sound of drapery behind him.) Ah, already! (Rising, and presenting his flowers with downcast eyes.) 1--I have ventured to gather these—for you. (He raises his eyes.) Miss Sprrwane! Miss Spelwane (taking them graciously). How very sweet of you, Mr. Brarr. Are they really for me ? : Und. (concealing his disappointment). Oh—er—yes. If you will give me the pleasure of accepting them. ‘ Miss Spelw. 1 feel immensely proud. I was so afraid you must have thought I was rather cross to you last night. I didn’t mean to I was feeling a little overdone, that was all. But you have chosen a charming way of letting me see that I am forgiven. (7» herself.) It’s really too touching. He certainly is a great improve- ment on the other wretch ! Und. (dolefully). I—I had no such intention, I assure you. (70 himself.) I hope to goodness Lady MAtIstE won’t come in before I can get rid of this girl. I seem fated to be misunderstood here ! (To be concluded.) OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. A Strange Career is the title of a book recently issued by Brackwoon, and it sets forth the life and adventures of Jonn Gtapwyy Jens. Mr. Riper Hacearp supplies an introduction, in which he testifies touching Mr. Jens that of ‘‘all friends he was the gentlest and truest, of all men the most trustful.” At first reading this testimony is almost necessary, for so wild were Mr. Jrns’s adventures in Mexico, so imminent his frequent peril, and so miraculous his inevitable escape, that one seems to be reading a work by Mr. Louis Srevensox, or the author of She. In merit of graphic power and style the work need not shrink from comparison even with masters of the art. It purports to be written by Mr. JEsn’s widow, but as the did not e his wife till his strange career had several times nearly brought to an abrupt close, Mr. Jzsp must have been as effective with his pen as he was with his gun. The picture of the eclipee of the sun seen from one of the highest peaks of the Rocky Mountains; the discovery of the pipe-stem when digging round the snow-su site of a hut in the mountains, a discovery which, carefully followed up, brought to light *‘ the whiteish-grey of the dead man closely clutching the bowl of the pipe” ; the account of the revolt in the streets of the city of Mexico ; and the story of the coach party robbed by bandits r times in a single day on a journey from Puebla to Vera Cruz —these are among the frequent flashes in one of the most stirring narratives that has for a long time come in my Baronite’s way. Evidently “ Mars,” in return for our late curiosity, has been keeping his eye on this gay little planet of ours. His experiences, published by the Parisian firm of Plon, Nourrit et Cie, are pictorially related in La Vie de Londres. Needless to remark it was our Cétés riants which struck him. The Baron cannot finish his notes of admiration without giving one of them, and thata big one, to hould to bright ieaceashed for oY fine tn it ifs ait should appear to en up ‘ogs is nice in itself; and it with the best of May produce. “ Another thing,” quoth the Baron, “about this annual by Part May is, that all mes filles can read it and see it with pleasure.” At this time of year the Baron examines the ‘‘ Hardy Annuals” that are heaped upon his table, At the first examination he gives the apple to the ** Pip. #.¢., to the The Penny Illustrated Paper, that is, as represented by it Christmas number called Christmas Cards. Charming picture, too, of ‘* The Queen of Hearts,” photographed from the life—‘‘ may she live long and prosper ! ”—and the story sateres | by the in efatigable Joun Later ** will delight the most insatiable story-devourer,” quoth THe Baron ve Boox- Worms. IMPROVED AND IMPROVING DIALOGUES. (Arranged on the strictest Lines of Truth.) At Mrs, Somesopy’s on “* At Home” Day. Mrs. Somebody. Well, | am pleased you have come at last, as | wanted you to notice that atone ye have a slightly better address, my drawing-room is far larger t your own. Mrs. Caller. You are most kind to say so; and I may add that we should not have dreamed to come to this out-of-the-way part of the world had we not wished to purchase sume cheap carpets in the neighbourhood. Miss Caller, I suppose your extremely plain daughter ARAMINTA is away from home; she seldom contrives to hit it off with her mother. Mrs. Somebody. You have guessed rightly ; but I may say that she is staying at Lad ee ppd yi in the country. I mention the fact casually, although I am g the course of my conversation. Mrs Caller. it tunity, I will get in a dozen persons wi You will pardon the valgarity ? handles to their names. to get in a title somehow in | you are obliging one to give me the oppor- | Mrs. Somebody. Most certainly, as knowing that your father was | a bootmaker in a large way, and your mother the daughter of a milliner, nothing else could be reasonably expected. ' Mrs. Caller. Aware that you may know something of my imme- diate ancestry, I will leave no stone unturned to find an opening for some reference to my uncle the curate. é ; Miss Caller. Being glad to add on every conceivable occasion to the list of my partners at any promiscuous charity ball that I may patronise with my presence, I will ask after your eldest un- married son . Mrs. Somebody. 1 thank you, my dear child, but as I intend him to look rather higher than yourself for a matrimonial alliance, | will meet your politic inquiry with a pailful of polite cold water. Mrs. Caller. Having now consumed the regulation cup of cold weak tea and section of luke-warm muffin, [ will say good-bye, and to my brougham Miss Caller. And 1 will add my adieuz, after giving a god long | look at your hair, which seems to require attention at the roots. Mrs. Somebody. 1 will warmly speed your parting, reflecting the while, as a sop to my wounded feelings, that you are both looking dreadfully old, and that your conveyance is m ahired brougham No doubt your stay w have been longer if the charge per hur had been what your vulgarian of a husband and father (who, thank goodness, has not called) would term “ easier.” take my departure. But before leaving I will make special reference | a OS. SN 6 pe 0 cnt tea HNP ante: = enc ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decumpzr 8, 1894. | he plaintively ASSOCIATION V. RUGBY. to famous Rugby half-back), ‘“‘ WouLp IT GET YOU VERY MUCH OUT OF PRACTICE IF WE WERE TO DANCE *Socgrr’ A LITTLE?” “SHAKY!” The Mc Rosebery loquitur :— “Tue Sprites that owre the Brigs of Ayr preside” (Which Rovere Borys in days lang desery'd Attend me noo! Lo the Auld Brig uprears Its shaky timbers on its sheep-shank piers ! Wull I win owre in safety? Losh! I feel Like 7am o' Shanter after that witch-reel. Fave, spunkies, kelpies seem to throng the air ; Swift as the gos drives on the wheeling hare They drive on me. like vera deils. Lang rains Wi’ de- pening deluges o'erflow the plains ; syne ANI, But the wrang gait its billows brim an’ boil. Arous'd by blust’ring winds an’ spotting thowes, In mony a torrent down the snaw-broo rowes. If down ye 'll hurl, deil nor ye never rise, But dash the gumlie jaups up to the skies. A lesson sadly teaching to your cost = the Brig(g)-builders’ Liberal arts seem ost. Wad I were owre! Sin’ Forfarshire went wrang. And our old cause gat sic an unco bang, My speerits sink and groan in deep vexation, To see sic melancholy alteration. Conceited'gowks, puff'd up wi’ windy pride, Still swell and swagger of the flowing tide. oo ~ w whither? All their fads and Vv ers, Their whigmaleeries and their clishmaclavers Won't change those stubborn “‘ chiels that winna ding.” Seotland the good auld songs was wont to sing In a’ but universal unison ; But noo the janglin’ seems to hae begun Even ayont the Tweed. What fa’ from grace Hath late begat a base degenerate race ? | Nae longer phalanxed Rads, their party's glory ! [ Tory. Your tartan’d Scot comes forth a true-blue | Nae ager thrifty citizens, an’ douce, | Vote Wuture’s lads to the great Council- House, Owre Liberty an’ Law to stan’ stout sentry, But wine e | corky-headed, graceless gentry, The herryment and ruin o’ the country, | Win owre their votes, and Seotia aid affords To that sad gilded cell, the House o’ Lords! | | Weel, weel! wi’ Time we'll have to warstle | The “ flowing tide” beneath me brawls like | lang, | Be toughly doure, een although a’ gae wrang; | om — where she did? That maun [ tide, | This mony a year thou ’st stood the fl od and | Auld Brig(g); and though wi’ Forfar sair forfairn, My hap I here must tent and soon shall Jairn. I ken the noo, no much aboot the matter, But twa-three footsteps will inform me better. | Shaky! My fears frae friend an’ foe I’|! cover, | But, like puir Tam, I wad I were weel owre'! | Warr awnp Sraay.—A very touching inci-| dent was recently recorded in the Times. It | appears that news was received from the astro- | nomical station at Kiel to the effect that a} very faint comet had been discovered by Mr. | Epwarp Smurrn. It was moving slowly to-| wards the east.” Wounded it may be by a} shooting star, and “‘moving,” aps crawl- ing, to finish its existence in the east. Was ever heard a more moving tale than this of the crawling comet! Alas! Ere now it may be | Though fifty pounds a year may pay its modest rent ! THE HOUSE-AGENT’S DREAM. Tue dreary fog envelopes all the street, The dingy chambers seem more dingy still,— To advertise them as a ‘‘ charming sui/e” Would tax e’en my imaginative skill !— But when I feel dejected, sad, or ill, In swift imagination I can fly To that sweet residence which some day will A home to Puytxis and myself supply, When fortune, long-delayed, shall join us by-and-by. ** Delightful scenery” the spot surrounds Where that ‘‘ palatial edifice” will stand, Secluded pleasantly in ‘‘ park-like grounds,” (Which means an acre of neglected land,) Shooting and hunting will be *‘ nearathand,” (Provided you interpret rightly ‘‘ near.” The bracing climate, too, is simply grand— Its title to the epithet is clear, [phere ! Compared, at least, with this appalling atmos- ** Reception halls” there certainly will be, ** Elegant boudoirs,” too, where we shall sit And entertain acquaintances with tea, A “library ’’—I doubt my using it, ut every mansion has one, you ’ll admit— Stabling that’s **excellent,” but not too big, (A cupboard for my bicycle, to wit,) ** Shelter for stock ”—a solitary pig— ** And spacious flower-beds”—which I shall have to dig ! So, Payxis, from all murmuring refrain, Nor let the thought of poverty annoy, Although you view a ‘‘villa” with disdain, And sigh for riches as your chiefest joy, While monetary pleasures quickly y; ** Sweet are the uses of advertisement,’ The magic of my calling I employ, And lo! a home that might a prince content, .. » but the subject is too pathetic for words. |

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ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemazr 8, 1894. Taz McRosesery. ‘‘EH—BUT I’D LIKE FINE TO BE WELL OVER THIS ‘ BRIGG’!” (Brigg polling day, Friday, December 7.) “SHAKY!” OO GRITS af?

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LONDON

‘OR “THE PIINCH,

HARIVARL

| DrceMBER 8, 1894 aw

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Decempgr 8, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL behind, has been calling her by Name to wait for her). *‘ Ho! com ‘LONG, BELINDA, DO—AN’ DON’ KEEP HON CALLIN’ HOUT MY NAIME; HI DON’ WANT HALL LONDON TER KNOW HIT!” THE FOOL’S VADE MECUM. (Excerpts from a Handbook for the Majority.) Ir you have reason to suspect a gun of being unloaded, make sure by firing at your friend's head. If you find Him and Her ¢éte-d-téte, join the little party. This will show a sympathetic nature, and take all the awkwardness out of the situation. If you are a woman, always flop down in a smoking-carriage, without noticing the ebvious label and the looks of the occupants. | When made aware of the situation, say, “Oh, I don’t mind! smoking,”’ and consider the question solved. If a man, select carefully a compartment in which Two Young People are ostentatiously trying to look as if they don’t find their own company quite sufficient for a journey of any duration. f you ure hurrying for a train, and want an easy, always slacken | just as you catch another person up, and walk close behind him, panting and puffing till you are ready for another spurt. Always read, or recite, your compositions to your friends. Believe them when they protest they would really like you to do so. Engage in serious argument with a woman with whom you wish to be on really good terms—a rich relation for choice. Always curse the waiters if the cook has failed in his treatment of your chop or steak, _ Always act contrary to the directions in crowded places of public interest. This shows an imperial spirit, and will make you, for the time, an object of general interest. _ Always stay to the very on any occasion when you have been invited at the last moment. — talk loud, and, as far as possible, always talk about yourself, From a Corresporpent.—‘“‘ Sir,—Seeing the advertisement of a book entitled Poets on Poets, I should much like to know what has become of a once much-quoted work entitled Pelion on Ossa? Who was ‘ Pelion’? and what did ‘ Ossa’ write ?—Yours, T. Noopgextz.” FIRST IMPRESSIONS. ‘| Prsa, placid Pisa, only awakened at half-past eleven by the rushing tourist who traverses your sleepy streets. By the half-past two train he starts afresh, and leaves you to doze as peacefully as before. My train arrives with amazing punctuality, and I reach the hotel earlier than was ever known; 11.35 a.M., and apparently nobody up vet. The retturino loudly cracks his whip, but to no purpose. Suddenly I notice some electric bell-pushes. Ring one. Ring another. Finally, ring them all. Then at last rushes out an elegant gentleman, probably the manager, who excitedly endeavours to speak, and to apologise, in four languages at once, Reduce him to calmness, and to two languages, with a few words from a third | thrown in occasionally, and demand déjeuner. Another delay, The | elegant gentleman does not explain; but evidently the cook is still | asleep, and the waiters only just up. But at last I am served, and | excellently too, and go off to see the sights. | Unfortunately am seized with an insane wish to ascend the | Leaning Tower, when I might have remained comfortably on | the beautiful turf at the foot of it. Rouse the official at the door. |He says I cannot go up alone, Remember that sort of trick, | so tell him he may accompany me, He savs he must stay below. ‘Remember also that sort of trick, and offer him a lira, He is ‘still unconvinced! Do not remember any trick of that sort. An |extraordinary custode! What will convince him? Am just ask- ing where I can find a companion, when a small, quiet man strolls up. For fifty centesimi he will accompany me. That's cheap enough, so follow him at once. The steps lean first one way and then the other as one goes round the tower, It is like climbing | the companion way, as I think one should call it—say the staircase, }in plain English—of a steamer in a storm, Begin to dislike the sensation, when my guide suddenly stops, He suggests that the tower is very high and fifty centesimi very low. Tell him I don't mind sixtv or seventy, and on we go, roundand round, Begin to feel almost giddy—imagine a circular staircase in a steamer in a storm! —when he stops again. Notice in the dim light that he is broad- shouldered and muscular, though short. Pleasant sort of place for a fight with a reckless ruffan! Perhaps he has weapons! He says | ought to pay him alira. Agree to thi at once. Up sgain, round and round. Think of al] the mysterious murders one reads of, and wish I had never come. Look up at him. He is certainly bigger than I am. And what is that long straight thing which makes his pocket stick out? Oh, horror! It must be a knife, oradaggerinasheath! Just then he stops, and says he would like a cup of coffee when we get down agsin. How I wish we were down again! Agree at once. Up a few more steps, and then he stops again and says it is very hot, and he would like a bottle of wine as well. Agree to this also at once. Up again, ronnd and round and round, and at last reach an outside gallery. Peep out 'through the doorway. Refuse to trust myself beyond. There is only a single iron rail, and that not all round. Guide says I might as well give him five lire, to include the wine and coffee. Agree to this also, and feebly suggest that I have seen enough. But he is inexorable, and on we go again, At last at the ton. Look over at happy, sleepy Pisa, and wish I was down there. So I should be, pretty soon, if he threw me over! | Just then he says he would like a few cigars. Tell him I will make it six lire, and that I should now like to go down. No! |! must see Livorno, Hang Livorno! Butobey him meekly. Then he says he has some antiquities for sale, among them some swords and daggers. Ah! Just what I thought. Glance nervously at the straight thing in his pocket, and say I will look at them. Then he wants me to look over the iron railing at the sloping base below. Hang over inthe air? Never! But he will hold my legs. What? Balance myself on a slender bar, while a brigand, as he probably is, | tilts me over by the boots? Would sooner buy all the antiquities in | Pisa. Good idea, Tell him I will buy his swords if I ean goat once |to see them. Whereupon he hurries down so fast that I cannot keep pace with him. But I feel happier as I get |nearer the outer world, and at last step ont safely on to the level earth. Look joyously at the beautiful grass and the read to the railway station. Then perceive the custode and a little man with him. Can that be my guide? Why, I could knock him down easily! What a fool I was to be afraid of him! Still, that dagger—I must pay him the six lire as I have promised them. He reminds me that I also promised to buy bis a swords. Feel inclined to dispute this, but r cannot. So settle it by giving him six lire more. Then, before hurrying to the station, ask him to show me the thing in his pocket. ‘' Si, signore,’’ says tial tone, and pulls it out. It is « flute. he, in a meek, deferen’ A Finer Impressioniet. + RT SMI ty li ORR 2° ONE I th mae ca me

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempzr 8, 1894, Enthusiast. |} oe A NY ve y WV WW . ag . zS Ed 4 ; A ** Look AT TBE BEAUTIFUL Lives our First PARENTS LED, U SUPPOSE THEY EVER GAVE WAY TO Strone Drink ?” veprobale, ‘*] ’xpscr Eve must ‘a’ DONE. Sue saw SNAKeEs!” THE SEASONS, Wuew Winter flies, and sunny skies Invite the lark to sing, my dear, My heart in exultation cries, “Ah! give me balmy Spring, my dear!” When scented Summer fills the air With zephyrs from the West, my dear, I stretch me on the grass and swear I love the Summer best, my dear. When gorgeous Autumn paints the wood In red and gold, and green, my dear, I ery delighted, ** By the Rood, But Autumn is the Queen, my dear!” And yet, when ryt the leafless trees Skirls loud the iey blast, my dear, We, basking by the fire at ease, hear it sweeping past, my dear ; And when you mix, as well you know, My tumbler reeking hot, my dear, Why then, what matter ice and snow ?— Bleak Winter beats the lot, my dear! DIARY OF A DUCK. (“ It is even hinted that the London County Council may fill the lakes and ponds of the Metro- politan Parks with sea water.”—Daily Paper.] Monday.—Curious what a lot of human beings have come to the water's edge to-day. What’s going to happen? St. James’s Park 'erammed with them. We don’t mind, of course. The more loafers, the more bits of loaf and biscuit for us. Immense amount of uacki ing on, too, up at Spring Gardens. What can it all mean | Twesday.—Headache. My liver must have | gone wrong, I fancy, as a result of yesterday's | unusual supply of eatables. What stale bis- euits some people do chuck into the water! Those'hard crusts, too, don’t agree with me. Same crowd as y y. They seem to be waiting for something. Ask a goose what’s on. Goose says, ‘* Dinner,” and gobbles Sa teath, Stupid creature! Wednesday.— ees all right again— but must be care Fortunately can pick and choose now. Won't look atacrust. In- clined to insist on fancy Friendly wild-fowl says just the same crowd wai round Serpentine, which has been emptied. Will they empty us? ms Thursday.—They will! No doubt’about it. Level steadily sinking. Crowd as usual. None of us will touch anything under a bath bun. What a slimy place we do seem to live in, now it’s being uncovered! Where’s the i of nuisances, I wonder ? riday.—Water off! What’ll be the next move? Offered a Huntley and Palmer with af ~ oe ee : : urday. — More at Spring Gardens, Thena ae procession down to the banks by members of the L.C.C. Ask oose what a member of the L. C. C. means, oose says “‘ Quack!” Idiotic bird. Water really coming in now. Hurrah! Sure to be fresh, anyhow. Have my first dive. How my eyes smart! What funny water it is! Taste some. Why,—it’s salt! Just won- dering what this means, when a man comes along, claps me into a hamper with all m relations, and takes me to Leadenh Market—so he callsit. Told that the L. C. C. has filled all the park ponds with sea-water ! No more use for us—going to have a lot of et instead. What treachery! (Zater.) D, SOUNDING THE ANTITOXIN ! See Dr. Robson Roose’s excellent article on “* The Spread of Diphtheria” in the Fortnightly Review for December, 1894.) Tae Antitozin sounds! ‘And what the doose Is Antitoxin ?” cries the reader, lightly. But be’ll not chaff if he reads Rosson Roose Upon Diphtheria in the new Fortnightly. There he’ll learn how the “ Antitoxic serum ”’ Attacks bacilli with a view to queer ’em. The Antitorin sounds to a new war On diphtheritice microbes, which rum ’uns; And Doctor Roosg, perched on Hygeia’s car, Rides forth in battle-rig to spread the summons. An! the old conquerors were mere death- are dealers, But greatest of LEarth’s heroes are the healers ! Their war is on man’s foes, not on mankind. Hygeia is Humanity's ** Little Sister.” Funds for her service, though. ’tis hard to find; Hence thisappeal of good Sir Josep LisTER*® For money-aid, successfully to urge The war of the new cure on the new scourge. It spreads, it strikes, it slays our little ones In legions; deaths in twenty years it doubles ; Now Lérrier, Kiess, Rovx, Yessy, all great guns, Attack the toxie source of dread throat- troubles, As Rossow Roose explains, Read—and remem ber— Allin the new Fortnightly for December ! * Chairman of the Council of the British In- stitute of Preventive Medicine, who has as yet received only £500 out of the £2000 required to prepare the Antitoxin on an adequate e. CHeistTuas Drartts.—Mr. Punch suggests that the publisher of these should prefix as y= ay mgr 2. these little —-. n iaries, pocket companions, and s0 forth: all delightful little gifts, Ophelia’s words, ‘‘ Here’s (De ta) Rue for you.” .

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Decemesr 8, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 275 WORDS TO THE WISE WOMEN. Woman, in unmeet subjects crudely taught, Stung by the splendourof a well-worn thought, First shrieks, as she had sat upon a pin, Then, like a hen amid her ing kin, Fills _- bewildered world with loud, officious In time inconstant even to abuse Oar rebel sisters hoist a flag of truce, am, —eaee ears steals Nature’s saner panies: ‘the will to Mrs. Honson’s choice And, half-ashamed, with truer glance t they scan The fancy-monster they have made of Man. Left to herself, ie os += h of rope, The Pioneer, relenti And Man, though bi Bim notes nowise Learns that by women he may be endured. But still, ungrateful or accustom’d grown, He leaves the ens faye a e, And, — because conscience knows no Whispers yn counsel to the Pioneer. First, your soi-disant woman-slaves to raise, You copy silly men's most silly ways, As the rich upstart who to ton wad Reveals the sordid source of his By vege culture dignity, ae nee, To follow F by al lead, and go the pace. So boys, first freed from tutelage and rules, Set fo rth to paint the city total gules, With this excuse for draining Folly’s cup, ** Boys will be boys,”—but you are quite grown up. Too conscious still, and still the slaves of fuss, You take example by the dregs of us, The lantern-jaw'd Effeminates, who tell How Truth lies wallowing in the foulest well ; ae critic Zanies, who admire a poet, con it seems, for other fools to know it, And found Societies of glorious name That a prig President may filch some fame. —_ —_ more human as he aes 1 oor, Sodas, ‘like’ a sportsman true, new tasks to Loses wisdom gathers as he cracks a bottle With Sages who ’ve ne'er heard of AxIsTOTLE, Rates at their pres low stage in creation The prim apostles of Examination And whether learning brings him fame, or no, Is rg humbler, gentler, wiser so. — hate’er you will, yet spare our A home-grown, feminine Baboo of Arts. Believe it, envious the men you spurn, Think little of the honours that they earn. Too well they ’re taught in common sense’s To dwell upon their triumphs in the Schools, And chiefly ee the Baccalaureate fur Because, ia love's young days, it — Her. But you, in purpose t y oo in each effort, your perspective wrong. Learn all you wish to learn, exult in For Hymen’s torch keep midnight oil a- Bulge your fa foreheads with those threaten- umps, U as an intellectual mumps, Be blatant, rude, self-conscious as you can, Be all you feign—and imitate—in i. Spurn all the fine traditions of the past, Be New or nothing—what’s the gain at last ? Oe Sa ee hee -ont, harsh- voiced jo As the shook headed, shambling ath ‘fom Adding, what his sound mind would never pecase An Asiatic hunger for degrees. True learning ’s that alone whereon are based Clear insight, reason, sympathy, and taste. RT | Wit» / e \o \A i; | ay () he og AN | i 7 Wyse 2 P “ 2 p a \) Wi" NNT 7 Ne f | | /] it f TAN: wy | | ' } \ i} 7 fe i ’ HI N i rl 1} tH A a ~ it GIVING ONESELF AWAY. The Admiral (standing beside his portrait). ‘‘You'vE NO IDEA HOW A BEARD CHANGES THE CHARACTER oF A Man's Prorite, Miss SANDERSON. JusT LOOK HERE!” Miss Sanderson. *‘ A—A—I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN,’ Not relic-worshipping of bones yg dry, | THe Game or Cunistuas Canps.—That ppt to Father Christmas is coming to town with his And walking htily « a fair eas through usual entertainment is evident from the cards Because some girls can’t do the sums youdo. | and advertisements sent everywhere in ad- fiizie, little world of cliques, vance, What is the impossible future of the Admiration dons the breeks, card? This is a question suggested And then proveeds kind tolerant man to flout— by the modern way of looking at things, and A unresented Barring-ou at the marv ingenuity with eanwhile our faith looks on, oid of fear, | w Tuck anp Son have saved Facing the hatchet of the Pioneer. | thats eands from dwindling into the obscurity storm, in Nature’s potent plan, | of dull whe wadamap cages in their pristine Be temper’d to the shorn, or bearded, man. | t adhesive frost Your sex will still be perfect i in its place, on ers 80 entirely meta- With voice of melody and soul of grace. tod nal ofthe sexi, Their dainty, ty om , lecture, worry, copy as you will, calendars inxpire one wit a cheer- i man, and woman woman still! fascination to begin the New Year. | eI . - ” fi pl a na Sea ee Coe DORA ar Cai SA a Orrin iy Wis ali polars Sih ly phil. 2 AP lit

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Decemssr 8, 1894. MORE SHE-NOTES. By lorsa, Author of “‘ A Yellow Plaster”) Caarpres III. CoLour-BLIND from hi« tenth year, Cusmors Hype (late of Christ's | Oxford, not to be confased with Christchurch, Cambridge), had hitherto ignored details of »cenery; but now the vermiliony petal of the pimpernel, the rubi¢éand radix of the earrot, the blue of the insensate bottle-fly—these reminded him respectively of the cheeks of Maxegntse, her hair, the spots in her grey eyes where, as we said, the soul looked through. The harvest- sheaves again were, broadly speaking, her figure. Till now he had been impervious to the new femalehood, rising like Proteus from the azure f am; dumbly he had waited fora woman with possible potentialities, or, fail- ing this, with potential possibilities. MARGERINE, whom we left a fortnight ago inarticulately gurgling by the trout-stream, c«ught the note of a step in the briar-patch. age-echo in her chest. and less gregarious. she divined that it belonged to a woman with Puritan impossibiliies and a yellow plaster next her heart. Under a ma-k of habitual and hereditary reticence, the step came on, revealing a finished creature, gowned beyond all mend- ing. Marorrine, whose face was her ewe- lamb, became sub-acutely aware of her own half-made frock, and yearned a little in the other's direction. “Oh!” she said; “* how did you get it built that way? I mean the gown.” The woman's voice came through the envelope of Mareertne’s sub-consciousness, steely clear as a cheese-cutter. “*My name is Mrs. Cuamors Hype. of Mr. Cuamors Hype!” “The wife of Caamors Hype? | not follow you,” ** Let me explain,” said the other, unsparingly. ‘* CaHamois Hype, | who now due at your trout-stream’ (Mareakine smiled stoopingly), ‘is my husband. I say, he married me. Once I had a maiden name. That is all past. I changed it when I married. All honourable women do. am honourable. J changed mine. | Now I am Mrs. Cuamois Hype. See?” ‘**Can’t help that,” said Marerrtne cheerfully; ** he loves me.” This was the folded-lamb's point of view. “Girl, have you no shame?” This was the other woman’s, ** Rather | blush for you,” said the unfinished creature. ** You couldn’t make him love you, you evuldn’t; you’re the hankering feminine cunterpart of the man in the other book, the Yellow Plaster book. Now it is too late. We love each other. The matter is taken out of our hands, We are merely impassive, irresponsible, ageats. Do try and look at the case as I do, from an unbiassed, im- personal, point of view; and see that the fault is utterly your own.” The girl's regard for her lover had suffered no transitional throw- ing-back at the news of his deception. She was overwhelming with her palpabilites. Ah! it is the-e that men love—palpabilities. ‘And have I none?” moaned the unhappy wife. “If I could blush, could only blush! He would have loved methen. But stay, he is colour-blind ; 1 forgot.” ” said the innocent girl; ‘I do 14 for you,” replied the other, who had been under the eaves over- | hearing her thoughts, ‘* And to think of the chances you have missed, and with a gown like that! Why, if you are his wife, you must often have met him about, and not had to make arrangements at a trout-stream like me. Conceivably he has even kissed you. I read once of a married man who kissed his wife.” She suddenly stopped ; not that one of her intoxicating gutturals had come loose; but an odd flood of pathos was playing on the other’s brow as she caught sight of Caamors whistling aloofly behind a sycamore, and went in thought all over that first kiss, complicated, perhaps, perhaps rather billiardy, but still a thing to remember. Like a cloud the stigma lifted, and Marcertne guessed her horrid secret. “* You love him too? I never thought of that. How forget- Worth re-tailing. With her budding instinct she could tell her | lover's footfall half a mile away, waking the | This one was lighter | In her sphinxy way | In other words, I am the wife | **I said just now! would blush | fulof me! But if you love him and J love him, why, we doth love him! ‘This is too much!” For a moment both of them pulsated even as one tuning-fork. Though sundered by the estranging ocean of the past that had closed its lid between them, leaving them like shuttlecocks, sick with strong doses of womanhood and experience, now that Cuamois, steadied by his breeding, was rapidly joining the party, the two women leaned against one another (how seldom women do this!), and waited, containedly restless. But the man, as I said befure, comes into the next chapter, if we ever get as far. TRUE GLORY. (‘‘ For assisting in destroying a legend, the Rev. Dr. Nicnoxson, who puiverised Ionatrics DonneLiy’s celebrated eryptogram, is to be presented with an illumiaated address.”’"— Daily Telegraph, Nov. 28.] I’ve always been courageous, ina modest sort of way, And sought an opportunity my « valour to display, There’s nothing I'd like better than to lead a c »nquering host, If Stevenson or Conan Dorie would offer me a post. But, in real life, such chances are extremely hard to find, They disregard the model, too, you ’ve carefully designed, For if a foe—a burglar, say—you venture to attack, Thedisagreeablesc »undrel srather apt to hit you back. But here’s a way—it’s safer far, as you will soon confess, To have your courage recognised and praised in an Address ; It’s a sort of learned skittles, and the method of it’s plain— You gravely set a dummy up, and knock it down again. Just get a friend to postulate that Tennyson ’s a sham, | That Maxrin Tuprer wrote the whole of Jn Memoriam, | Ur else, that Rosert Brownina’s greatest work was Nancy Lee, | And then—you prove your friend is wrong—and there you are, you see. | They ’1!l give you testimonials, many speakers will allude | In tones of deep emotion to ‘‘ a nation’s gratitude” ; | So if you sigh for glory, I can rec mmend the game, For literary ninepias is a speedy path to fame! NEW HONOURS. Last week Solicitor-General Frank Lockwoop, Q.C., M.P., was | knighted. So was the High Sheriff of Surrey, Mr. Frep Wigan. Quite appropriate that Queen's Counsel Lockwoop should appear |with Wig-an’—the gown too, of course, After this J. Weeks | SZLUMPEK was made a knight, and has now anuther ‘‘s” added to his |name. All hail, Sir SztumrER, or “ Zir ZiumPER!” concealed choir sing a verse of the ancient ballad commencing | ** Slumber my darliog,’’ and for this occasion altered to “* SzLuMPeER my darling!” | — —_— LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE. rok Wak is accustomed to have appeals made to him to assist in providing facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers and non- | commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad to notice. from the subjoined advertise- ment, which appeared in the Daily News of Thurs- day, that the public are themselves taking the matter in hand :— T7i\WO GENERALS WANTED. as Cook and Housemaid, for one lady. Light, comfortable situation. Good wages.—Apply, &c. The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that usually considered in this emnection. 9 Bat the situation is“ light ’’and ** comfurtable,” with ‘good wages” pertaining, and she has some right to look for applicants of superior station, We presume , that on festive occasions the gallant officers would"be ex to don their uniforms. Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably wearing his war medals, sweeping!the front door- step, whilst through the kitchen window a glimpse,was caught of a brother officer, in full tog, larding a pheasant. | mayor of Richmond quitted (backwards) the Royal Presence, did a | As the. ex- | | In the House of Commons, and el*ewhere, the Secretary oF State |

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- & ad VS rte «& ‘Martell’s | bOL4LED IN COGNAC. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Descemnsa 8, 1894. OF ALL PRALERS. u ~ “Waren | 4 &0; Ly *Vea ry MER, Ses Wi-:e Carte CORDON sores. le, as Victorts, BEey Hi tborn. Soyal Pier Motel Ryde, venue, 0) er t l Bolbers Restauran iW. a Ae Ras Ga.ti withal for a practical And of ail frst case Caterers in the United application to R. 8. Liverpool, M | “ Superior Vintage Wines of Italy.” LONDON, E.C, “GOCA-TONIG- — | GHAMPAGNE.” | (LAURENT-PERRIER. ) ‘The highest class Brat Cham with Coca | A mourvellous resterative for Nerves, lirai | and Vasele. Jus \aiuabie for Insomnia, Influenza, Nervous | Hiadeche and gene m, ete, ‘Stommnaereseuaneeons| SQUIRE'S von CHEMICAL DELICATE FO 0 D. CHILDREN. In Bottles, 2s., 3s. 6d., & Gs. each. AT ALL CHEMISTS AND STORES, and of SQUIRE & SONS. Her Majesty's Chemists, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. Bests SAFEST D SOLD BY ALL CHEMI | AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYST, TOILET CASKET harmless in their action, they may be PRICE 2/6 safely stnoked by ladie« and children. ALSO IN PATE! Chemists and Stores, box of 35, METALLIC 2s. 6d., or post free from Wilcox & Co., 239, Oxford Street, Lond m, W. FULL DRESS CIGARETTES. “THE CHOICEST CIGARETTES THAT EXPERIENCE | CAN PRODJCE OR MONEY BUY. | Manufactured by KINNEY BROS., New York, U.S.A. - SOLD EVERYWHERE. In Packets of 20 and Bexes of 50 and 100. Important ; of Fine Linen. INSTRUCTIONS to prevent the FRAYING of CUFFS and COLLARS, also the where- HUDSON'S SOAP A Fine Powder—in Packets. THE GORDON HOTELS OO., la., have contracted with Messrs. J. SCHWEPPE @ CO. — | for the entire supply of their Celebrated MINE- RAL WATERS (Soda Water, Poiass, Scitzer, Lemonade, éc.) atall their English and excep! the First Avenue and Metre pote Hotels, London which will also be supplied excluate with SCHWEPPE’S Waters at expiration (next Autumn) of a present con tract, and where in the meantime they can be obtained (/ specially ordered “EIDERDON ” to Wearers test, sent post free on HUDSON, Bank Hall, anufacturer of Clarke’ 8 Registered ra ia” Night-Light Watch-Holder. JAPANNED WATCH- ial HOLDER, wicn ‘es GOLFING and ) nee fa’ | THREE-QUAKTERCAPES, FF 4 every | for raentat: Detvine: o.. rion ‘Dediaing * oe wl Coats, from 4 Guiness j ister,” iil ted, and full set of samples CLARKE’S PATENT | free. eo oe oo AH goods carriage pai« FAIRY LICHTS, | BOYD & CO., 1. Bridge St , BELFAST. bone containing a | HOOPING COUGH, CROUP Lights and Glass, burn 10 hours each. Also to burn 6 hours, | 10 in a box. 1/- per . ROCHE’S HERBAL EMBROCATION the celebrated effectual medicine. tele VW holesale Agents, eure wilhou box. Bon, 15), Queen Victoria Street e429 buld by most Chemists. Price 49. per “LABEE O °YRAMID & FAIRY LIOBT 0. Ltd., at Sate ue ae la Fa : CRI KLEWOOD, LONDON, New York—Powerns & Ce, rth Wi PINE TAR or AY | 8y ABSORPTION B NHALATE | TE RATIONAL & EFFICACIOUS USE ii ef | i mraarnc _ NORW ‘IF YOU COUCH TAKE GERAUDEL’S PASTILLES. In cases of 72 Pastilles, lg. 14d. For sale by a] Chemists, or post free receipt of price, from the Wholesale Dépdt :— FASSETT & JOHNSON, | 82, SNOW HILL, LONDON, E.C,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemnzr 8, 1894 ~ GOLD MEDAL InremwatTionaL Heautu Exursition, Lonvex. INVALIDS AND THe AGED ——

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ms Custard, but an end- htfal, dainty dishes. /- Christmas, NO EGGS! Lumbago and Rheumatism. how quickly NO TROUBLE!

STORY, It is simply marvellous Hom >cea, if thoroughly rubbed in, stops the excruciating pain which accompanies these disorders, for HOMOCEA Instantly ea TisaRDoOaAY. —_—eas ce ea ow Touches the SPOT. AND HOMOCEA has thoroughly established its reputation as a pain reliever. It is not only an embrocation, but it is a household pre- paration of great merit, and whether in earache, toothache, sprains or strains, it has only to be used to be fully appreciated. In cuts and burns, the pain is stopped, and healing sets in at once. Sold by all chemists, 1s. 14d. and 2s. 9d. per box HOOPER, 43, King William Street, London Bridge, sells it, C. Brandauer & Co's Circular-Pointed Pens.

GEVEN PRIZE Pens Write as Bmoothly as a Lead Pencil. Neither Seratch nor Spurt, the points being rounded by a special process. Assorted Sample Box for 7 stamps from the Works, BIRMINGHAM.

THREE LARGE PRESENTATION PLATES Printed in the best and most artistic siyle of the Chromo-Lithographic Art. . “A Christmas Offering. va THE ORICNAL PAINTING BY SAM 9. ‘6 Sea horses.” FROM THE ORICINAL PAINTING BY FRED MORCAN. 3. “The Fisberman’s Wooing.” Size, 17) by 25} ins. Size, 32 by 15} ins. FROM THE ORICINAL PAINTING BY DE BLAAS. PRINTED ENTIRELY IN N ENGLAND. *,° As the whole Edition ee always been sold either be fore or within a few days of Publication, early application is necessary in order to secure a copy of this really artistic and marvellous production. PRICE ONE SHILLING. Published by the Proprietors, Messrs. A. & F. PEARS, Limitep, 71—75, New Oxford Street, London, W.C.; by Messrs. Gorpow & GOTCH, in Melbourne; and by THE INTERNATIONAL NEws Company, in New York. Sold by Booksellers and Newsagents all over the World.

“The name Cadbury on any packet of Cocoa is a guarantee of purity.”’ Medical Annual.

adbury’s cocoa “The typical Cocoa of English Manufac- ture, Absolutely Pure.” The Analyst.

—_

Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No, 7 Loraine Road, Hollow Lom baru W hitefriars, in the City Street, in the Precinct of ese io Fut of St. Mary, Nay pm yo of Middlesex, at the Printing and published by him Street. im the Parish of St. Bride, City of London. —Saruaoat, Offices of Mesars. Bradbury, Agnew, + yt yam

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(RAND HOTEL, LONDON. THE VICTORIA, LONDON. Swarm GORDON HOTELS } ericuron. . t & “~~ » Ws AA WZ , in no case be returned, 6L0ep n. will oe RO To this rule there wil ter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description Cover, or Wrapper WARY |e “i ~ My! Ss \ ’ . \ af ‘ : 5 4 2) : Registered at the General Post Office as a Newzpaper. nted Mat ped and Addressed Envelope cu ff itaddiory PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. butions, whether MS.. Pri VOD q rt a Stax “0°. 4617 3. eee a Pu ch YO. Yu. y Se se PUNCH VOLy Mie SRT Oe mR seo fg 00 hy a A AU PRICE THREE PENCE. ws OF ecompabied by ~* T (end a - +f a Nu} Ss by) RNA Si) df)! rte a CALA OG)", F ed 2 mi A. e) y afl ‘c sy* { Ny V4 i | : \. Rome, t)) 2 |] Mp I LE NONE ‘PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. CADBURY'S COCOA not even Wen & Ge” NOTICE. — Rejected Communication

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Dezcumsza 15, 1894. Omer COMPANY'S Y. by A -@ticura'Brown & Poisons 222235" | Be Posty FAlworiN ase rere Has 35 Years’ leavt 80 Th ¥ imaok’ BcncoN sta: ANTES fe the great World-Wide Reputation. CORN FLOUR: pifeanh arate “te duth April, returning 29ti. A KIN CURE — ’ ; ee sid bathe hig high sera isi et | s. & H. HARRIS’ Ss | S. & H. HARRIS’S 4 Co. Andervon, For pamae apply tothe nc be F} instantly Relieves [HARNESS COMPOSITION| , EBONITE BLACKING |i: tovbarch ssnem\c tected Set, Se ‘Warearacor Por Boots, Shoes, Harness, and | (Warenrncer). all Black Leather articies 5 2=—~eeeee TORTURING | saDDiz Pastz | Poxisnine Paste Skin Diseases S. & H. HARRIS. Manufactory: LONDON, E. For Sore Throats And the most distressing forme of itching, burning, bleeding. and scaly skin, scalp, and C H rb | S T M A S You cannot use a better bleed bumours, and points to « epeedy cure gargie than “ Condy’s.” when all other remedies and the best physi- clones fall. Curiocaa Wonks Worpens, and p e & s 7 N T S. Bir Morell Mack ie, MD. ere Sy * — es Sold by all Chemists and Drug Stores ssstinngrer ur word Paes concen, f MAPPIN & WEBB'S} | TBs Largest and choicest 2/3; mso.vert, 2/3; Soar, 1/-; or the eet, Stock in the World. Corrisctessiceatie | \ DRESSING BAGS. J | coLosiTHs' company, @ “@*gle xtt*Condy’s “i os to Cuno Sain Distioen* orn, — Show Rooms : 112, RECENT ST.,W. t OR PLEASURE AND PROFIT ‘ Remedial Fluid. Adresse TL SUEZ. 5. Rue de aoe PARIS BAU «SUEY VACCINE for the MOUTH St, engthens the Gums Perfumes the Dreath The only Dentifrice /) S. MORDAN & CO.’S LEADS, wd 0 Ss » ~ A AND 3A. Sy To ons . - | POR REPLENISHING THE PATENT PENCIL. it is most important to the public th ~ dele, Fighty Ac re ip & 7 resin Stock. ar — should pay particular attention to thi d purchase none but those of the ‘anne sine coLT’s NEW make for the utility of the Patent Pencil ym the leads being of an exact and .é UNITED STATES | depends up otherwise they will « bh »>ke up the puint of the pencil. and render it useless. ARMY & NAVY REVOLVER | ——$————— os House Protection, Trave riers, aud | a © Militar f ble a | rit Yh Be | WELCOME ALWAYS, coLT ICHT NIN’ MACAZI RIFL urs us Bn - i. AINE Tir, KEEP IT HANDY. target ectice neurpassed for cur ae ' - : cnequalies for saplaite of tre — GRANT s MORELLA a .- COLT’S REVOLVERS fa: the past quarter of a century there} HUNDREDS of SANDS. sve weed all Guus the W orid ice List free CHERRY BRANDY. I one continuous flow of letters ' THOU. . FIREARMS 0., DPELICIOUS—CUMFORTING Senter testimony to the trul wonderfu Bushes in variety. Packing and 7%. Glasshouse — ~ riccadilly Circus, “Loasoa, bed Ask for GRANT'S, and don't be put off with | cures effected by “ Clarke’s World-famed Carriage free for Cash with order. _ = KUGHES « SONS, ONS, Birmingham. | inferior makes | Blood Mixture,” the “finest Blood Purifier S/- = doz., GO/= per 100. |— mers quia anne that science amd maedical skill have brought tolight.” Sufferers from Scrofula, Scurvy, Ali other Nursery Stock sorrings Jorma SAVORY and MOORE’ S | Eczema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Diseases | Pimples and Sores of any kind, are solicited wPOTS From 15/- a doz. |to give it a trial to test its value. Sold Ornamental Trees, 01 Acres. | everywhere , at 2. Md. per bottle. Beware Four Acres of Glass. lof worthless imitations or substitutes Clematis (So, ae trom 15/- per @ --—— - N.B.—Single Plants ave sold at oc=D B SOTAL MURSERIES Tins, 1s.. 2., Se., and 10e., everywhere TO SMOKERS. slightly increased prices. Gold Medals, Paris. 1878: 1889. FLOR DE DINDICUL, : medium mild | Al 5 INDIAN CIGAK, | mane, CATO of «xquisite flavour. * Better 7 artistically ~~ x containt Havannahs.’ — Worn, Dee, 9, is! | p mtaining ‘ e some hundreds ilustre tions, = a. “is aoe ry hig te ni and full of = — Me » information, 49 and 74, wt rand, and 143, "reaps ide , Of Highest Quality, and Faving ee @ ’ | MITH &Cs WORCESTER Greatest Durability, are Therefore a : N % CHEAPEST. LED Your . CHILDR NV | A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE. VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. ae = — - "canny PA ATENT melt) Gal Food CONSTIPATION. Nourishes and Preserves the Hair Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss | MH makes it Soft and Silky, and is the Lest ] N D I N of Appetite, Gastric and intestinal Troubles. | ASTHMA E; Beadacue, |’ BRILLIANTINE, B R 0 N C H I T ! S : : R I] | I QO N, being not too greasy or drying ; also in DIFF | a Golden Colour for Fair-haired Ladies | and Children; it is most beautifu'ly | perfumed; bottles, Bs. Gd ; Ts.; 10s. 64. : POUDRE et PATE -§ DENTIFRICES DE SUEZ: VINAIGRE LACTE &: SUEZ . POUR LA TOILETTE DAT U RA TAT A SAVORY &@ MOC TA ft : London: 47, Southwark Street, S.E. SOLD EVERYWHERE Se eee WHER 1D RY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS. 26. 6a. A BOS DIAMOND PHEASANT BROOCH. Télegrams : SAFECUARD, LONDON. 18, NEW BOND ST., W. Telephone : No, 35298.

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5 - i BS E t3 H BsF “Decemnen 15, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 277 |

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a BI ‘ iG > c-o© - > me Eine oF Pe PRS

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DE GUSTIBUS. ‘‘See 'sR, AS JUST PARST US? THaT’s Miss Setina Devereux, 48 SINGS AT THE Norra Lonpon Tivoit, S#HE’s THE POOrIEST | GaL ts CampEN Town, THAT LITTLE TART Is!” ‘GIT ALONG WITH YER! Sa#E’s Gor A CHEST LIKE A SHILLIN’ Rapepir |”

A TREE WITH VARIEGATED LEAVES. Tue following communications have found their way into the Editor’s box at 85, Fleet Street, and are published that their writers may claim them. As most of the signatures were more or less illegible, it has been considered advisable to suppress them, to prevent the possibility of mistakes. The only exception that has deen made to this rale is in the case of the last letter, wherein seemingly is summed up the moral of the controversy. Communication No. 1, dated Tuesday. Is it not time, considering that there is re of _ interest attracting public attention, that a protest should be raised against the ‘* Society ” plays which occupy the ay of some of our best theatres ? You see I pave the way to my gentle reproof by but- tering up vested interests. To do this the better, I will say something nice about ‘‘our most capable actors,” and write ** I remember Buckstong, and SorHern, the Bancrorrs, and, aye, Mr. Tree himself.” This will prove that there is no malice in my suggestions. Let me describe the piece to which, in the dead season of the year, | object. The plot is centred in the love for each other of a par- tlally-teclaimed lady and an opium-drinking gentleman; I might use stronger ex i but I know your 5 whe intended for the | family rather the s-cirele, and my language is therefore | modulated to meet the modest requirements of the case. Take it | from me, Sir, that the story of these two individaals is nauseous and degrading. T say that its uaravelling should not be fuisted on the | public in a modern play. But that you may not consider my impres- | sions libellous, I that the piece is finely staged, and in parts | well written. For all that, I canuct imagine why the manager, with his lofty ideas of the function of a theatre as a medium of education, | has itted himself to produce it. And if that observation does | not draw the manager in question, my name is not X. Y. Z. Communication No, 2, dated Wednesday. Your anonymous contributor ‘‘ of London” (mark the sarcasm !)

| was right in imagining that I would be drawn. I consider it my duty to Mr. Henry Artuur Jones to say something about his ** accustomed combative geniality,” and to Mr. Happow Cuampers to refer to his ‘* cheery stoicism.” 1 will also allude to Mr. Pivero, but as he is not writing for my theatre just now, merely record my oon- viction that he will be able to survive the sneers against Zhe Second | Mrs, Tanqueray—*a play which has made a deep and lasting im- blie.”’ pa And when I write “* lasting,” assume ression on the thinking the réle of a prophet. It will be am the more obliging, as c lasting,” Iam sure, The ‘thinking public,” of course, are those admirable and intellectual whe fll the stalls and boxes of my theatre, and the stalls and boxes of kindred establishments. And, while I am talking of “* thinking,” let me insist that the criticism of the piece by the anonymous one “ of London” (mark the irony!) is not a matter, but a question that affects the freedom of the thinking community, This is a generation that has outgrown “‘ the skirts of the lady of fifteen ’’ ; and it behoves all to understand the meaning of that apt sentence, and to regard with a jealous eye any attempt to crib, cabin, and confine the development of contem ht. “Crib, cabin, and confine” is also good, and entirely worthy of your serious consideration, At a time when the stalls are 10s. 6d., and the family-circle available to those who will not ran to gold, is a literary dandy (in whose stained forefinger I seem to detect the sign of an old journalistic hand) to pass a vote of censure on SHAKSPEAKE use, forsooth, Hamlet was pet, Seuaetion P I trust not. And shall the public (mark you the in ual, the praiseworthy—in a word, the ‘thinking public”) be debarred from taking their piece in their favourite theatre because, forsooth, there is an interesting corre- spondence in newspapers in the dullest season of the decrepit old year? Again—I trust not, Communication No, 3—once more dated Wednesday. I beg to ask your permission, as an old playgoer, to see myself in print. Ido not pretend to be able to sake pale but an eminent littératewr, in a recent number of a popular monthly magazine, has done good service by enforcing the untruthful character of the ‘problem ”’ pieces recently presented to the public audiences. I have not the ability to comment on this unpleasant phase of the histrionic profession, so merely observe (with a recollection of an old-world story) ‘ them ’s my sentiments.” Communication No, 4, dated Thursday. No doubt this letter will reach you with many others, with signa- tures anonymous otherwise. Being a bit spiteful I will confine myself to five lines in the hope of gaining inser‘ion. Are not pieces with ‘‘ girls with a past” played out? Then why slay the slain’ | am sure healthier work will now be submitted to the public. And when that happy time arrives there will be found on my bookshelves certain brown-paper-covered tomes that are waiting the inspection of every actor-manager in London. Need 1 say more? You yourself, Sir, will practically answer the question. Communication No. 5, dated Friday. Permit me to keep the ball a rolling. Why is the ‘ young lady of tifteen”’ to be alone protected? Are not the boys and girls of an older growth to be also ed from contamination ? hat is to be done for that large 3 uf playgoers who have entered their second childhood ? Communication No, 6, dated Saturday. Now that a piece at present bein: ogee at a West-End theatre has been well advertived for a whole week in the more agee- read columns of a most influential daily paper, it is to be sincerely hoped that Bor and Coz are satisfied. ( Signed) Bouncer.

WITH KIND REGARDS. ** Wirn kind regards ’—’tis good to see your writing Even on meagre ¢ e-cards, But would more matter you had been inditing With kind regards ! Below you add that you are ‘*‘ mine sincerely,” I wonder if in those two words you wrote A sweet confession that you care—or merely The usual ending to a friendly note ? I wonder if that week you still remember, The shooting lunches and round games of cards, Our walks and talks that wonderful September— I wonder what you meant by “‘ kind regards” ! With kind regards, and eyes that, reading, soften I read your note, most blessed among cards, And think of you—I dare not say how often— With kind regards.

Appaopriate.— The Command of the Sea, by WILKINsow Suaw. The author will be hereafter know no as “* Sxa-Suaw.”

VOL. CViL,

Rog es ics Poem me ay.) me Sto a ae ee a ee et ee eae

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«| MOLLVLIISIA HILNHO GNV “HOVE, LA ONINLON, ,, “(aevodsyvys buyjond) soppy fo sounaz «} AAOOSAY NI 204 aNaOd LYHM axv Ig “TTA 5, ‘young _ P ‘L807 LON uNOsV7 S.3A07 an ey Se _—_—_—_—_—— ——— __ =_ —== _ _ _— ——___.. —_—— _ —— —_—_ ———= i — = | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL = 2.

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I | SEES OY OF Ges \quoting Shakspeare), *‘*NorHine Bur PEACE, AND GENTLE VistratTion’ |” i !' [i] =" Cm i Deommesr 15, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 379 cate \ “Ue cP Desperate Position of Messrs. Duffer and Phunk, who are rival aspirants for the hand of Miss Di, Miss Di (wnable to get her Horse to face the water as a jump). “‘OH, DO PLEASE, ONE OF YOU, JUST TRY IF THAT PLACE Is FORDABLE!” : [N.B.—Said “‘ Place” is reported to be a good twelve feet deep BEFORE you come to the mud. LOVE’S LABOUR NOT LOST! (A Dramatic Scene, with Suggestions from Shakspeare.) Scenz.—A British Quay. Enter The Visible Prince (like the King and his companions in ‘** Love’s Labour's Lost”) “in Russian habits,” but beariny a true British fie: not masked, To him enters the most loyal and loving of his subjects and sage coun- sellors, Mr. Punch. Mr. Punch (joyously). ** All hail the pleasantest Prince upon the earth!” Prince (gaily). ; Behaviour, what wert thou, till this man show’d thee P’ Mr. Punch. Well capped, my Prince ! Prince, Be you the same, good friend ! ** Your bonnet to its right use; ’tis for the head,” (As Hamlet said), and **’tis indifferent cold.” Mr. Punch, “ It is a nipping and an eager air ”— As not unusual in our Isle’s December ! Prince, “‘ The air bites shrewdly ; it is very cold.” I feel it, Punch, through all my Russian sables, Though I’m from Muscovy. Mr, Punch, What met you there, Sir? Prince a pel ““NOTHING BUT PEACE, AND GENTLE VISITATION!” Mr. Punch neppeusine). Most aptly quoted, Sir! The happiest From him the ever applicable bard, I’ve met this many a moon. Prince. Glad to be back To English shores—and you—for all the love I leave behind, and all the cold I come to. Mr, Punch, Not in our hearts, my Prince, not in our hearts! Prince, Nay, that I’ll swear. Witness your presence here This chilling day. ‘‘ How many weary steps Of many weary miles you have o’ergone!” Mr, Punch, “ We number nothing that we spend for you: Our duty is so rich, so infinite, That we may do it still without account.” _ When you “ vouchsafe the sunshine of your face,” Prince (laughing). Punch, know you ail the Swan ? Mr. Punch, F’en as the Swan Knows all his? Punch, which is his favourite reading In the Elysian Fields; and one turn Deserves another! But, my ERT Epwarp, ** What did the Russian w in your ear ? Prince. Punchius, ‘‘ He swore that he did hold me dear As precious eyesight, and did value me Above this world; adding thereto, moreover, That he would ever live our England’s lover.” Mr. Punch. ** God give thee joy of him! The noble Tsar Most honourably will uphold his word” As I doubt not. I’m happy o’ your visit. ** But what, Sir, purpose to visit us?” Prince, ‘* They do, they do, and all a ’d thus Like Museovites, or Russians, as I dress. Their purpose is to parle, to court, to dance, And every one his love-feat will advance.” Mr. Punch, As you have done, my Prince, at sorrow’s flood Taking the tide of frank affection, like A skilled and trusty pilot. Such a Prince, Good faith, is worth a dozen diplomats And many full-armed legions. : Prince. May it prove so! ; Mr. Punch, Well, let them come! “ Dieguis'd like Muscovites ’ (As Rosaline said) we’ll know them still as friends ; And they ’ll find here, as you there found, my Prince, ** NoTHING BUT PEACE, AND GENTLE vVisiTaTIon!!!” * | Boount together. * Love's Labour's Lost, Act V., Scene 2. MUCH ‘ADO ABOUT NOTHING. A Tempest in a teapot stands, one knows, Sed ee | pe my hy epter: realms of ie ut w ws tha e gious er When Minor Poets pulverise each other? ** Birds in their little nests a ,’—all right! Bards in their little books fall out and fight. The birds of which the pious rhymeter sings Sure were not “ singing birds ”—those angry sdiage! Who e themselves and peck each other rightfully. Alas warblers should contend so spitefully. All—eave the cynio—mourn the Muse’s loss’ When Gosex snubs Gaz, or Garz be-blizzards Gossx ! — — = = oy ieee ie tae ce ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemerr 15, 1894. LYRE AND «LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XXIV.—THE HAPPY DISPATCH. “ Perhaps it was right to dissemble your love, but——’ Scere XXXV.—TZhe Morning Room. Time—About 1 P.M. Undershell (to himself, alone), I’m rather sorry that that Miss SreLwaNe couldn't stay. She’s a trifle angular—but clever. It was distinctly sharp of her to see through that fellow Spckrety from the first, and lay such an ingenious little trap for him. And she has a great feeling for Literature—knows my verses heart, I discovered, quite accidentally. All the same, I wish hadn't intercepted those snowdro’ Now I shall have to go out and pick some more. (Sounds cunelle te the entrance hall.) Too late—they ’ve got back from church! _ y Mrs. Brooke- Chatteris —— with Lady Raopa, Sir Rupert, and BearPaRrk). Such a nice, plain, simple service—I’m positively rarenous | Lady Rhoda. Strack me some of those chubby cheir-boys wanted esmackin . That a business it seems to get the servants properly into their pew; as bad as boxin’ a string of hunters! As for you, Ancuiz, the way you fidge durin’ the sermon was down right disgraceful! ... So there a are, Mr. Buiare; not been to h ; but I forgot—p'raps you're a Dis- senter, or somethin’ f — Only, Lady | } aa Und. (annoyed). am. , Ruopa, in the sense that I have . hitherto failed to discover any form of creed that commands my in- tellectua] assent. Lady Rhoda (unimpressed). I ex- pect you haven’t tried. Are you a— what d'ye call it >—a Lacedemoniac ? Und. (with lofty et = sume you mean a loean. No, I should rather describe myself as a Deist. Archie (in a surly undertone), What’s a Deast when he’s at home’ If he'd said a Beast now! Aloud, as PrLLr~er enters with Captain Taickwesse.) Hullo, why here’s THickNeEsse! So you haven't gone after all, then Captain Thicknesse. What an observant young beggar you are, Bearpark! Nothin’ eseapes you. I haven't. (Zo Sir Rupert, rather sheepishly.) Facet is, Sir; I | —I somehow just missed the train. and—and —thought | might as well come back, instead of waitin’ about, | don’t you know. | Ser’ Rupert (heartily). Why, of course, my dear boy, of course! | Never have forgiven you if you hadn't. Great nuisance for you, though. Hope you blew the fool of a man up; he ought to have been round in plenty of time. Capt. Thick. Not the groom’s fault, Sir. I kept him waitin’ a bit, and—and we had to stop to shift the seat and that, and so—— Und. (to himself), Great lundering booby! Can’t he see nobod wants him here! As if he hadn't bored poor Lady Marsre cauah - breakfast! Ah, well, I must come to her rescue once more, su ypose Se Rup svO, Half an hour te lunch! Anybody like to come round to | the stables’ I’m going to see how my wife’s horse Deerfoot is getting on. Fond of horses, eh, Mr.—a—Unpersnert? Care to come with us ? Und. (to himself). I’ve seen quite enough of that beast already ! (Aloud, with some aspertty.) You must really excuse me, Sir I am at one with Mr. Rosxrs—I detest UPERT. Sir Rup. Ah? Pity. We're rather fond of ’em here. But we day can’t expect a poet to be a sportsman, eh ? Und. For my own poor part, I confess I look'forward to a not far distant, when the spread of civilisation will have abolished every form of so-called Sport. Sir Rup. Do you, though? (After difficulty.) Allow me to hope that you will continne “ Perhaps ~when you come to think over it all quietly—you will.” pleasures of anticipation as long as possible. (70 the rest.) Well, are you coming ? [All except UnperswEtt follow their host out, Und. (alone, to himself). If they think I’m going to be patro- nised, or suppress my honest convictions! Now I’ll go and pick those— Lady Marste enters from the Conservatory.) Ah, Marsre, I have been trying to find you. I had plucked a few snowdrops, which I promised myself the pleasure of presenting to you. Unfortunately they—er—failed to reach their destination. Lady Maisie (distantly). Thanks, Mr. Biarr; I am only sorry you should have given yourself such unnecessary trouble. Und, (detaining her, as she seemed about to pass on). I have another piece of intelligence which you may hear less—er—philo- sophically, Lady Matsre. Your déte notre has returned. Lady Maisie (with lifted eyebrows). My béte noire, Mr. Buarm ? Und. Why affect not to understand? I have an infallible instinct in all matters concerning you, and, sweetly tolerant as you are, I in- stantly divined what an insuffer- able nuisance you found our mili- tary friend, Captain THICcKNESsE. Lady Maisie. There are limits even to my tolerance, Mr. Brarr. I admit I find some people insuffer- able—but Captain THicknessr is not one of them. Und. Then appearances are de- ceptive indeed. Come, Lady Marste, surely you can trust Me! [Lady CanTrRE enters. Lady Cantire (in her most awful tones). Matsie, my dear, I appear to have interrupted an interview of a somewhat confidential character. If so, pray let me know it, and | will go elsewhere. Lady Maisie (calmly). Not in the very least, Mamma. Mr. Brare was merely trying to prepare me for the fact that Captain Turck- NESSE has come back; which was quite needless, ax I happen to have heard it already from his own lips. Lady Cant, Captain THIcKNEssE come back! (Zo UnpersHet.) I wish to speak to my daughter. May I ask you to leave us? Und. With pleasure, Lady Can- Tire. (Zo himself, as he retires.) What a consummate actress that girlis! And what a coquette! Lady Cant. (after a_ silence). Maistre, what does all this mean ? No nonsense now! Wha _ brought GERALD THICKNESSE back Lady Maisie. | suppose the dog- cart, Mamma. He missed his train, you know. I don't think he minds —much, Lady Cant. Let me tell you this, my dear. It is a great deal more than you deserre after—— How long has he come back for ? Lady Maisie, Only a few hours; but—but from things he said, | fancy he would stay on longer—if Aunt ALBINIA asked him. Lady Cant. Then we may consider that settl.d; he stays. (Lady CULVERIN appears.) Here is your Aunt. You bad better leave us, my dear. Somewnat Laver; THe Party nave ASSEMBLED For LuncH. Sir Rup. (to his wife). Well, my dear, I’ve seen that young SrvRREtt (smart fellow he is too, thoroughly up in his business), and you’ll be glad to hear he can’t find anything seriously wrong with Deerfoot. Und. (in the background, to himself ). matter ! , . Sir Rup, He’s clear it isn’t navicular, which ADAMs was afraid of, and he thinks, with ‘taigh a rest, you know, the horse will be as fit as a fiddle in a very few 8. Und. (to himectf). Just cxaatly what I told them; but the fools wouldn’t believe me / Lady Culverin. Oh, Rurert, 1 am so glad. How clever of that nice Mr. Spvxeett! I was afraid my poor Deerfoot would have to No more could I, for that be shot. , a choke with! Und. (to himself), She may thank me that he wasn't, Ad this to enjoy the | other fe w gets atl the credit for it. How like Life!

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Decemper 15, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 281 ‘¢ Lady Maisie, And, Uncle Rupert, how about—about Pariirrson, | you know? Is it all right ? ‘ Sir Rup. Pururson? Oh,’ why, ’pon my word, my dear, didn’t think of asking. '~ Lady Rhoda. But*I'did, Matstzr. And they met this mornin’, | and it’s all settled, and they’re as happy as they can be. Except) that he’s on the look out for a mysterious stranger, who disappeared last night, after tryin’ to make desperate love to her. He is deter- mined, if he can find him, to give him a piece of his mind. ¢ (UnpERSHELL disguises his extreme uneasiness. Pilliner. And the whole of a penile. He invited my opinion of it as an implement of castigation. Kind of thing, you know, that would im ‘* proficiency in the trots temps, as danced in the most select circles,” in a single lesson to a lame bear. _ Und. (to himself), I don’t stir a step out of this house while I’m here, that’s all! Sir Rup, Ha-ha! Athletic young chap that. Glad to see him in the field next Tuesday. By the way, Atsryia, you’ve heard how Tuicknessr here contrived to miss his train this morning? Onr gain, of course; but still we must manage to get you back to Aldershot to-night, my boy, or you’ll get called over the coals by your Colonel when you do put in an appearance, hey? Now, let’s see; what train ought you to catch ? { He takes up ‘* Bradshaw” from a writwng-table. Lady Cant. (possessing herself of the volume). Allow me, Rurert, my eyes are better than yours. J will look out his trains for him. (After consulting various pages.) Just as I thought! Quite im- possible for him to reach North Camp to-night now. There isn’t a train till six, and that gets to town just too late for him to drive across to Waterloo and catch the last Aldershot train. So there’s no more to be said. [She ** Bradshaw” away. Capt. Thick. (with undisgused relief). Oh, well, dessay they won’t kick up much of a row if I don’t get back till to-morrow,—or the day after, if it comes to that. Und. (to himself). It shan’t come te that—if J can ent it! Lady Matsre is quite in despair, J can see. (Aloud.) Indeed? was—a—not aware that discipline was quite so lax as that in the British Army. And surely officers should set an example of [ He finds that his intervention has produced a distinct sensation, and, taking up the discarded ‘ Bradshaw,” becomes engrossed in tts study, Capt. Thick. (i ing him completely). It’s like this, Lady Cut- VERIN. Somehow I—I muddled up the dates, don’t you know. Mean to say, got it into my head to-day was the 20th, instead of only the 18th. (Lamely.) That’s how it was, Lady Culv. Delightful, my dear Greratp. Then we shall keep you here till Tuesday, of course ! , Und. (looking up from “ Bradshaw,” impulsively). Lady Cur- VERIN, I see there ’s a very good train which leaves Shunting bridge at 3.15 this afternoon, and gets—— [ The rest regard him with unaffected surprise and disapproval. Lady Cant. ‘raising her glasses). Upon my word, Mr. Brarr! If you will kindly leave Captain Tuickwesse to make his own arrangements---— ! Lady Maisie (interposing hastily), But, Mamma, you must have misunderstood Mr. Birarr! Asif he would dream of——. He was merely mentioning the train he wishes to go by himself. Weren't you, Mr. Brarr ? _ Und. (blinking and gasping). [-eh? Just so, that—that was my intention, certainly. fr: 0 himself.) Does she at all realise what this will cost ner ? Lady Culv. My dear Mr. Brarr, I—I’d no notion we were to lose you so soon; but if yon’re really quite sure you must go—— Lady Cant. (sharply). Really, Tisnna. we must give him credit for knowing his own mind. He tells you he is obliged to go! Lady Culv. Then of course we must let you do eractly as you please. (AJl, except Miss SpELWANE, breathe more freely; Trev- WELL appears.) Oh, lunch, is it, TRepwett ? Very well. By-the- bye, see that some one packs Mr. Unpersnett’s things for him, and tell them to send the dogeart round after lunch in time to catch the 3.15 from Shuntingbridge. Pill. (sotto voce, to Arcure). And let us pray that the cart is properly balanced before starting, this time! Miss Spelwane (to herself, piqued). Going already! I wish I had never touched his ridiculous snowdrops ! Lady Culr. Well, shall we go in to lunch, everybody ? | [ They more in irregular order towards the Dining Hall. Und. (on an undertone to Lady Matste, as they follow last), Lady Marste, I—er—this is just a Aittle unexpected. I confess | don't — understand your precise motive in suggesting so—so hasty a eparture. Lady Maisie (without looking at him). Don’t you, Mr. Briar ? Perhaps—when you come to think over it all quietly —you till. She passes on, leaving him perplered. dreads an encounter between us—and I should much prefer to avoid it myself, Yes, that’s it, of course; she is willing to sacritice anything rather than endanger my personal safety ! t unselfish angels |some women are! Even that sneering fellow Dayspaxe will be im- ressed when I tell him this.... Yes, it’s best that I should go— see that now. I don’t so much mind leaving. Without any false humility, I can hardly avoid seeing that, even in the short time I have among these people, I have produced a decided impres- }sion. And there is at least one—perhaps feeo—who will miss me when I am e, Pre goes into the Dining Hall, with restored equanimity. THE END. ROBERT ON HUNIFIKASHUN! I wave bin a having quite a long tork with a most respecful look- ing Gent who tells me he is a County Counseller, and that they has a Gildhall of their own at Charing Cross, where they meets ewery week, the same as the Common Counsellers does at their reel Gildha in the Citty, and that they has — made up their to make the two Gildhalls into one and have them both for theirselves, and that that will be what they calls Hunifikashun, which means everything for them and not nothink for sey else, Not content with what they have got allreddy they means to have all the Citt Beslice, and the Manshun Hoag oe all the Citty’s Money, and the rite to all Tems Water, and to the Lorp Mare and Sherryfs Carri and to the Old Bayley, and to more other things than I can manage to remember! And he y speaks of all these warious matters jest as if he was quite in ernest, and acshally expected as it woud al! be done by the next Parlement when they met next year! And when he found as I reelly didn’t beleeve a word of his wunderful stories, e y arsked me to go with him to their Gildhall at Charing Cross, and there he put me in a nice seat, and then I heard em all torking away, jest as if they were quite in ernest, all about the many wunderful things as they was about to do soon! Oh, T wunders how long it will be before any on em reelly happens? Not in my life time I'll be bound, nor most likely in nobody elses’ Did any reesonable man, woman o1 child ever hear such a pack of nonsense ? To acshally defraud the grand old Citty of Lundon, that is only jest about seven hunderd year old, of all their priwileges and all their rites and all their money! and then I shoud like to know what is to become of me, and the duzzens like me? Nice lots of Lord Mares and Alldermen these County Counsellers woud make! . Why! acshally douts whether they coud even manage to meke up a decent lot of Common Counselmen under at least a year. There was one thing as I heard them equabling about while I was there, and that was the nesseesity of having some more lunatic asylums, which did not much surprise me, as I shoud think they will soon want a pretty good number for theirselves, if they con- tinues to go on as they are going. Brown told me a rayther funny story about the dredful solemnity of these wunderful County Counsellers, He says —: have by sum means or other got the right of insistin that there shall be no fun in the theaters, and no warking about between the hacts; and that the publick got so disgusted with the silly regerlations, that in many cases they left off going to them for ewer so long; but they are better now, and will most likely soon go. back to. their old armless jokes, Ropert. AN EXTRACT. (From some hitherto Unpublished Correspondence.) [“* Photographs of ladies’ feet are now taken in New York as souvenirs for their admirers.”"— Globe, Dec. 6.} ... Iv is real kind of you, dearest, to mail your own laddie those half-dozen lovely photographs, or should I call them footographs? | can’t say right here which I like best—they ’re all just fetching, any- way. You bet, I’ll treasure them some! I'll wear the midget profile as a chest-protector right along, and put the: full-foot vignette under my pillow nights. And the three-quarter platino shall go on my chimney rack—there ’s a considerable saucy look about the big toe which I’m mashed on horrid; I guess you won't see such a number-one instep as yours anv time on these effete old London side-walks. To look at the Britishers’ foot-cases in Piccadilly makes me tired, when I think of you any. I'll send views of mine soon in exchange, but I reckon the naked truth might give you fits, so I'l) just sit with my rubbers on, and get the camera-man fo map you off a walking likeness of my right daisy-crusher. (My left is a trifle out Und. (to himself). Shall 1? Veettllrasttone de jest ne Why, yes, I do ‘1 | That bully Spvreers with his beastly horsewhip! She of focus.) Kind regards to you +» ppa.... eu ae pe ot hase eed

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decememr 15, 1894,

Miss Maud. The Curate. +” arna ‘Tas Bricann's Revenes’ ! ba! A BLOODTHIRSTY BARITONE. ''Won’r rov sine someruinc, Mr. Green?” ‘Il gAvVEN’T BROUGHT my Mousic. a! yh > But, IF YOU KNOW THE ACCOMPANIMENT, AND WOULD PLAY IT, I THINK I covLD

“AN OLD OFFENDER.” fromthe is of fact [ It is*impossible, we fear, to esca conclusion that there is a substantial for the rumours... of atrocities perpetrated by Turkish troops on the Christian inhabitants of Armenia.... By one of the Articles of the Treaty of Berlin the Porte undertook ‘ to carry out without delay the improvements and reforms de- manded by local requirements in the provinces inhabited by the Armenians, and to guarantee their security against the Circassians and the Kurds.’ “Times” Leader, December 4.) Acarn! Is there nothing can humanise ever The heart of Islam, that red-ravening wolf ? Will sents of convention and treaty bridge nev Between "Turk and Christian the broadening gulf Will no penne teach, and will no promise tether, The a hordes when let loose on the oe! Must slaughter, and rapine, and} outrage together, The old vile triumvirate, fetterless go ?, Time’s fool seems the Turk, stern, unteach- able, savage, The fiercest fool-fighter on history’s roll. All indolent rest or undisciplined ravage. The vesnish of manner soaks not to his yul. Red Man of the Orient, ruthless, untamable, Neighbour, by fortune, i in nothing near kin. Humanity’s brotherhood surely is blameable, Leaving him free from) Law's bondage to win! In‘ sheer self-defence we must) muzzle and shackle abis wolf of the world ; snatch its poor prostrate prey

From its crimsonin€ fangs. The old cynical cackle Of** coffee-house babble ” is mlent to-day ; And a weapon’s at hand, too leng left there That Law and that’Justice alike now com- m lo the erip of Europa. Be murder short- And bestial outrage meet summary end ! Not again must hot Islamite hate be permitted In of creed -vengeance the East to Not’ sin its fall ided, ed, again nt 1 y unal unpiti The Gallio’s mio and the miscreant’s There hangs the goed Berlin- blade, consecrated By common agreement to Justice’s work ! Be its blow not this time, as aforetime, be- lated ! Let Europe not bleed for the sin of the Turk!

THE VILLAGE BLACKSMITH. New Pariss-Oouncit VERsron. (By a Landlord and Lover of the Good Old Times.) [At Merton, Surrey, where Mr. Morrrs has his factory, a blacksmith was highest of the fifteen successful candidates for the Parish Council, the vicar being eighth. } Over the vicar, top o’ the tree, The Village Blacksmith stands ; Thes mith . mighty man is he, W th power in his strong hands ; And his victory well may stir alarms a. Squire-Parsonic bands. Thy Gpeiee looks nee, | ie face is long,— Ob! thin Leeiy 4 rte th d ings are going 6 doose As fast as e’er they can! WILLIAM

The blacksmith with his grimy face Has proved to be best man “* Week’in, week out,”he’ll spout. uad fight ! We shali hear him bluff and He’ll vote the good old times ‘P <ne, The good old fashions slow ; And won’t he run the rates right up, And xeep tithe-charges low ? “* He'll have his finger in the School, He’ll open wide its door ; He’ll keep the Voluntaries starved, And let the School-Board score. And he’ll want baths and eadibeoees And villas for the poor! “* Then he may ‘go for’ the Old Church, And rouse the village boys To listen, not to Parson’s drone, But Agitation’ 4 voice, Anél ’stead o’ singing in the choir He’ll swell Rad ranters’ noise, “*’'T will sound to Aim like Wisdom’s voice, Preaching of Paradise As though the thing were at ne door ; Plumbed with ive lies, He’ll think Ais hard, rough hand will wipe The Squire’s and Parson’s eyes. - Selig the rates, be fos. Swelling the anes, he teform’s raw task he wi But who shall see it = id Church will be robbed, and Land be sold. Farewell old-time repose ! “Tis thanks to you, my loud Kad friends, These lessons you have taught! ny % folly from the forge Our fortunes must be wrought. And won’t there be a blessed mess Before the fight is fought!”

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-—— ———— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemnzr 15, 1894. “AN OLD OFFENDER.” . “AGAIN! BUT THIS TIME I HAVE A WEAPON AT HAND!”

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Decemper 15, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 285 MARY JONES. (By her Husband, ) As I’m daily jolted down On the early bus to town, Through the yellow fog and brown, O'er the stones, I inhale the tawny air, And I deem it ether rare, For my soul is full of fair Y JONES. Fellow-passengers are fain To abuse the wind and rain, And the weather. they eom- plain, Chills their bones : But I laugh at snow and sleet As I bump upon my seat, For I’m thinking of my swee' AKY JONES. With a lightsome heart an gay To tue Bank I wend my way. Where | calculate all day Debts and loans ; Though anon my fancies flee From the rows of £ s. d., And they wander off to thee, Mary Jones, And I cannot blame their taste. Though a littletimethey waste For my Mary would hav SS SSS her ?— No. I cannot but concur With their choice when7they er Mary Jones. Then I hurry home to tea, And I an A, B. C., ASKIN’ YER PARDON, Miss, BUT MIGHT THAT "ERE LITTLE HA’ BEEN CUT OFF OR DRUV’ IN?” Where I purchase two or three akes and scones : For I Jove the smiles that rise In your laughing hazel eves When I offer you my prize, Mary Jones. And when tea is cleared away, And you kindle me my clay, As | listen to your gay Dulcet tones, Then I sometimes wonder who In the world’s the best to do?— ‘Gad, it’s either I or you, Mary Jones! THE MODERN SOCIETY | PLAY. | | Ir — should not be al- owed, } | The Modern Society Play, | | That dreadfully shocking Kate | | loud, ! That bad Mrs. P. Tanque- | ray. That ’s what said X. ¥.Z {t elevates everyone, The Modern Society Play, You stupid old son ofa gun, | eg bursting into the earless, free, H, B. Tree. Why make such a clamour f Oh , blow 1 |The}Modern Society Play ! As nothing compels you to X. Ys, you can’ just stop away ; Don’t you see ? Doe’s TAIL Bo say we. LOST IN LONDON. | INTER-UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL. | 1. Hymn-book stolen. Original price, in | [Yale v. Princeton University. “‘ Before. the superior binding, 119d. game commenced an Inspector af pilies, who was 2. Hymn-hook pawned for 24d. by thief. on the ground, addressed the two teams, and 3. Pawnbroker, tinding my name inside, | cautioned them against violent play. This warn- tells Police. ing is without precedent in the history of the | 4. Police inform me I can have the book | University contests.” —Reuter.} restored to me ** on application.” 5. Go to Scotland Yard. Told hymn-book is at Bow Street. Cost of my journey so far, 44d. 6. At Bow Street have to take out summons against Chief Commissioner! This is “‘ the invariable rule,” I am informed. Cost of re Ft —_ *—not the Church rvice—3s. Go ve got three new hymn- books with the sum. ” 7 7. Have to attend week later at hearing of summons. Journey again 44d. Bow Street not @ nice court. book restored to me. 8. Chief Commissioner appeals! Believes there is another person of my name to whom bock may belong. ‘‘ If I give it up quietly, shall hear no more about it.” Give up my own y eae ym Never! wes ie 9. ismi Peed a age ons) man _ oe eae Scene—Queen’s Club, Oxford and Cam- 10. Chief Commissioner “ carries me” to bridge Football Match. Teams under- House of Lords, but does not pay carriage. going modern torture of ordeal by photo- Preliminary costs, £80. graph. Enter Police-Inspector, rampant, 11. Long Vecation. sr by two Peelers proper. He 12. House of Lords sits. ‘‘ Has no doubt : resses the two teams” :— hymn-book belongs to other of my ’ ” : I’m an Inspeetor bold, yet wary, name. I te pay all costs in Courts ! So. sex : ts, you must all take care, 18. Ruined - For i'm here to boss this battle, And see that you all fight fair. Now ” ety scragging, and hacking, “I smatx be all right again soon, I'll be bound!” asadilapidated First Edition observed. Are ell fess enough, we say, Butfif’gents exceed the limits Ofjegitimate violent play, We'll run them in, we ’ll run them in, As sure as we’re standing here, We’ll run them in, we’ll run them in, For the Peeler knows no fear! Of course you may fight each other, But you mustn’t attack the crowd, For we can't have unlimited bloodshed, And weapons are not allowed. So, gents, | must kindly ask you To enter the field without Your bludgeons and knives and pistols, Or else, beyond all doubt, We'll run you in, &c., &e. [Teams join in chorus, Exit Inspector to look after the ambulance arrangements. THE SUNDAY LECTURE CASE, alee Saree ou e us 8s of propriety— All models of pb Eye atl a That is Stiggins and Chadband combined. They gain, doubtless, some notoriety By such overwhelming anxiety To force on us their sort of piety Of a most puritanical kind. This Sunday at Home mental diet, I Dislike, I would rather not try it; I est by way of variety, eir own business now they should mind. Prize Conundrum before Christmas. | How to Make Life Hi .—An Infallible | Renve :—Add fifty-nine to the latter half of it. *,* Solution will be given next week. Cee a ee

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286 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempmr 15, 1894. THE PLUNGER. First Boy (much interested in the game of Buttons). ‘‘’As ’E Lost?” Second Ditto, ‘Yes; ’"R LOST ALL THEM BuTTrons wHat ‘s won orr Tommy CROWTHER YESTERDAY, AN’ THEN 'E CUT ALL THE BuTToNs or "Is CLOTHES, AND ’ES LOST THEM TOO!” NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS. Kelt and Salted.—It may be true, as you have heard, that Mr. Sranpisu O'Grapy intends to supplement his series of Ossianic stories, Finn and his Companions, by a work entitled Fin an’ Haddock. But, we confess, the story seems a little fishy. A Brummagem Spoon.—Y ou are quite wrong. The creation of the character of Rip Van Winkle was, in point of time, far anterior to the inven- tion of the Self-working Noiseless Screw. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN’s playful application of the term to Lord Hartrneton did not imply any pro- prietorship in the article. The right hon. gen- tleman was under the impression that he had come across the character in the course of his reading of Dickens’ Christmas stories, and, wanting to say something nice of his noble friend, he just mentio it. It led to some misunderstanding at the time, but has now been forgotten. See our answer to “‘ Three Cows and an Acre” in the Christmas Number. Residuary Legatee.— Certainly you may recover, i y if you can get A. to refund the money. Don’t hesitate to sue. We make a practice of never accepting fees. The 6s. 8d. you enclosed (in stamps, postal order preferable) we shall, at the first opportunity, place in the Poor Box. Perplezed.— What do you mean by asking us to tell you “* If a herring and a-half costs three hapence, how much will a dozen run you in for?” This is just one of those simple problems you can solve for yourself on reference to an ordi book of arithmetic. Do you suppose we sit here to save the time of idle persons? Our mission is to supply information drawn from authorities not accessible to the average subscriber. Algernon and Sibyl.— Consult Sir Grorce Lewis, Ely Place, Holborn, E.C. We never with the dead we may Swell to eine trody Leia it means, “‘ We desire that all parties ~— parterem) may hear and profit y our advice.” Py me «cee had-no-rest-to-speak - of-for-fifteen-years-owing-to-neuralgic- hola -a-next-door-neigbbour-who- plays-the-piano-night-and-day.—No. Beyond the Dreams of Avarice,— Your record of an incident in the early life of Mr. W. Astor is very interesting. ** Musing by the waters of the mighty Hudson he,” you say, “conceived the | ambition of ing one of the richest men in the world.” It is pleasing to | know that his recent entrance upon jour- | palistic enterprise is likely to realise his | boyhood’s dream. f, ye fe | Advertisement Agent.—Laere ‘is, we fear, no ing for you in this direc- tion. ‘‘Silonio” is not the name of a new shaving soap, as you surmise. It is the title of honour given by the dele- gates of a remote a eel beach en race to a great an ritish states- man. Its literal translation into the English tongue is, we are informed, ** Open-mouthed.” A Subscriber for Seventy Years.— Your poem, commencing, Direc ie Diee.e den, How is Brether Benn ? Really, Mr. Riey, Ain’t you rather wily ? is perhaps a little monotonous in its in- terrogative form. But it is not with- out merit, especially from one of your advanced age. A fatal objection is that it should be out of date, The School- Elections, we are glad to say, were completed a fortnight ago. Try again— for some other paper. THE NEW NECTAR. [Professor Huxury, at the anniversary | meeting of the Royal Society, suggested that in the future imaginative speaking at their dinners might be stimulated by the drinking of liquid oxygen, bien frappé. Arr—*‘ Take hence the Bowl !” Taxe hence the bowl ; though beam- Brightly as bowl e’er shone, [ing With Fizz sublimely creaming, Or Port or Zoedone, There is a new potation To warm the hearts of men, And wake imagination— In Liquid Oxygen! Each cup I drain, bien frappé My tongue pat talk can teach ; It helps to make me happy In after-dinner speech. At banquet, or at gala, I match such mighty men As GLADSTONE, Carr, or Saa, On Liquid Oxygen! A fig for Mumm or Massio, Falernian and such fudge; (Thin stuff those tipples classic If I am any judge.) But burning thoughts come o’er me And fire my tongue, or pen, When I’ve a bowl before me Of Liquid Oxygen! When fun needs stimulation, Or fancy fails in fire ; When lags the long oration, Or tongues post ial tire ; advise on delicate subjects such as yours. It is impossible for us to reply to correspondents | the post. Our motto is Audi altem | |parterem. As the lady may not be familiar | Then take the tip Huxleyan, And one long swig,—and then You’)] promptly raise a pean ¢, To Liquid Oxygen! ee ee ee ee ee ee

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Decemper 15, 1894.)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

FIRST IMPRESSIONS. “ Trere is nothing in Italy more beautiful to me than the coast-road Genoa and Spezia.” Remember these words of Dickens, in his Pictures from Italy, as I start from Pisa to see that lov ——- ‘and the Mediter- ranean, for the first Pisa is sleepy, but the railway officials are wide awake. The man who sells me my ticket ** f ” one lira, This answers capitally with innocent old ladies from Eng- a . The old lady counts her change, and e has carefully ascertained the fare by sb the price marked on her ticket, she finds at once that there is a half- penny wanting. She never learns that this is the nas tax. “If you at she begins ; ** Bitte,” and then oe off into—not y RH = but F m murs, ‘‘ Seevooplay, je pongse vous devays avoir donna | mor UN soU—eT—T—MOTe, VOUS —. ’ or, “Il y a encore—er—er— fiinfeig, vows savay, = moi a <i. ” Then the official answers, ch, “‘4A nong, Madame, ceci est or tare doo gouverne- “a sul bighetto, capisce ?” hereupon the old lady is so agiied te the thought that she has wrongfully him of stealing a soldo, that she never notices that he has withheld a lira. If she counts her money a | in the ~X she will blame those nasty lira notes, which stick together so, that she must have given two somewhere reer of one. But the railway clerk is also for any more exacting stranger, and s the oe note ready for him, The bil at Pisa does so, handing it to me, with- out a word of objection or explanation, as soon as I ask for it. The system is as ect asitissimple. Having obtained my y I start for the Mediterranean. A Frist IprRessionist.

THE TRUISMS OF LIFE. (By the Right Hon. the Author of “ The Platitudes of Life,” M.P., F.R.S., D.C.L., LL.D.) Cuapter I.—De Omnibus Rebus. **Ars longa, vita brevis;” ' and indeed **man wants but little here below, nor wants that little long.” ? An oriental writer has told en gen ” to which a Scots poet* has oy ‘A man’s a man for a’ that.” ee in « Grek aphorism, not gm | well known, which aa fee ceavrév, This has been ably rendered by Porz - a pty tis Know home Py ‘ Proverbi- A =* ne, t it is wrong ry ucation ends when — leave ee Books ‘“*have often been com whom we “‘ never cut.” race,” *® on whose Empire, by the way, tthe sun never sets.” We even have in the running brooks,” as the Bard of ‘Avon ® tells us; so that not only “he that runs,” like but he that swims, ‘‘ may

quoted itudes. Yet, “* there | sano. kx lish |nobly.”" And it is well to shave * the | seme bad pot-ginge Se Gaaneemean. I dis- the | ners makyth 1 man”; though this is not the | exceptional case.

,

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A PRECISIAN. Professor Erasmus Scoles (of Epipsychidion Villa, St. John’s Wood), ‘CAN YOU TELL ME, CONSTABLE, WHETHER THERE ARE ANY MORE—ER—ATLANTES TO COME UP TO-NIGHT 1” D. 184. ‘‘ ANY MORE 'OW MUCH?”

courage of ” other people’s ‘* opinions,” approve of humour, new or But is not all. ome pee?" a mast, and. | ei eep it too, For a man’s is travagance.’ a seed-cake that passes in the using. | whose income was £500, and he spent £5000 a y me te ag remember the proverb that ‘‘man-| year knowingly. This must have been an true cause of the " over-population of our| that ‘ is the root of all evil.” ‘Gold! islands. In social life much will depend on | gold!” an ill-known poet, and, on the the way in which you behave to others. | other * Hail, 1”%™ said “* Never lose your temper, and if you do, at| another. ‘If thou art any rate hold your tongue, and try not to show | is on the face of it an untru it ” °—ex one may to a doctor. 1“ Principia Latina.” * Goldsmith. * Burns. ¢ “Ee- Many cannot say oto Others | say on Man.” * Lubbock. ¢ Labbock. 7 “ Punch.” sete nO cy a ches eed & *Tiscanlay. * Lubbock. » . pe CEnS OES | ss: teem, Browning. Emerson. ™ Lubbock. If the last word is pronounced Say | » Lubbock. ® Lubbock. ™ Park Benjamin. ® Ohurch- No, this constitutes a word-play. There are|il Shakspeare.

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288 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Decemage 15, 1894. OF VAIN COLOURS, Wares the cntary, growing a Appears shortly after, the follow- little bit mellow ing Sunday, [tresses of gold ; Produces carnatims outrage- With rosy complexion, an ously green ; like yellow When a nursemaid one of the When you noti « a delicate, dairy- wurst searlet-fevers, [blues ; Adorn the pale face of the best Or merely, it may be, a fit of the margarine ; When you ’re offered ** Old Mas- | W hen canaries, all warranted ex- ters’’ as black as coal-heavers, cellent singers, [liag apiece, Or shirts of quite ** fast” un- Are sold in the «treet for a shil- washoutable hues ; Bat at home all the yellow comes When a blue ribbon’s equally | off on your fiagers, known as denoting (Tory— Substrataof brownmakingdaily Teetotal fanatics, a Rad, or a increase ; fon a Monday In these and like cases two When a lady you happen to meet num’ rous for quoting | With hair that is grey, and with Remember old Virem, “ Ne} cheeks that are old, | crede colori,” | THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. VL—Prerakine FoR Tak Poi, Whew I do a thing, I like to do it properly, for even m worst enemies, who call me a fool, admit that 1’m a thorough fool. [ have accordingly lost no time in getting to work at my electoral campaiga, I commenced at a great disadvantage. The other seven candidates were electioneering for a week before the Parish Meeting, and the result was that they ail polled three times as many votes as I did. That has happened once. 1 don’t intend that it shall happen more than once. The first move I made was tu cover my house with placards. | notived that in a recent election Zp Mr. Aruetston Kitey had pur- “7 sued these tactics with great succes«, so I plastered the whole of the walls with ‘ Wrivkins ‘rok Muproxup”—** VotE For Wiwyxins,’’—bat thereby hangs latale. I gave wy instructions to ’. the heal printer, and told him where oy were to be posted, directing him te do it ia the twilight, so that the whole effect might dawn once and for ever “ Vote for Winkins—a good All- round Man.” upon an astonished village in the morning. He did it, but un- furtunately he didn’t keep a proof-reader. I noticed next day, before I went out, that all the school-children looked up at the house and giggled. 1 thought it was merely the inappreciativeness of the youthful mind. There I was wrong. It was the fact that the children knew how to spell that caused the mischief. My house was covered with appeals te *‘ Work roa Vinxins!” It did not take long to get new bills printed, but I am not disposed to deny 1 was a trifle disconcerted by this false start. I am now hard at work canvassing. My wife flatly declines to help, and I’m afraid to suggest the girls should take the field in sup- port of their father. I tried to secure the services of the vicar's two daughters, but he only wrote rather a stiff note to say that he thought they would have quite enough to do in advocating his claims. I am not always at one with the clergy, but for once I agree with him. I have succeeded, however, in getting Miss Parte Burtt to help me. Her full name is, of course, Pays; but it's always called and «pelt “* Parti.” —I could never uaderstand why. She ’s a most delight- ful girl, and is worth, at least, a hundred votes to me. As I ex- plained once before, she has an extraordinary habit of calling all the villagers ** idiots ’—of course, I mean to her friends (such as myself), not to the villagers themselves. 1 asked her one day why, if she thought them idiots, she was kind enough to take the trouble to canvass them. *‘ Well, you see,” she said with a charming smile that was all her own; ‘I'm asking them to vote for you.” At the time | thought this was a pretty saying, prettily said. I even told it with some amount of — to my wife just to show her that there were people who did not sympathise with her haughty indifference. Curiously enough my wife only laughed consumedly. When she had reeovered, I asked her why she langhed. ** Do you readly mean to say, Tiwormy,” was her reply, *‘that you don’t see what she meant ?”’ “ Well, though it may seem idiotic .. .” F said, was going to add, ** I don’t,’ but before I said that, 1 did see what she (PayY1iis, of course, | mean) might have meant. Yet I hope she didn't. Miss Bortr has only one drawback as a canvasser. She is so ridiculously serupulous, | came across an old woman the other day who was quite deaf to my appeals. Whilst I reasoned with her, I found out | kind Puy.is was to her. “‘ Miss Purux, she’s really to us | poor people. I'd vote for Aer if she was standing.” I left, having J. no impression. A day or two after I met Miss Pari vatt, and asked her to go and ¢anvass the old woman; I felt sure she could seeure her vote, Will it be believed that she wouldn’t ? She said it would be really undue influence if she did. How strange that even the nicest of womea.are so strangely unpractical at times! Another woman she refused te see because she never upon her at ordinary times. Still, with all her faults, Miss Burtt is a tower of strength, and as I see her daily going about, canvass book in hand, my hopes rise higher and higher. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Six Puriir Stoney was, as all the world knows, ‘‘a vera t gentil knight.” Possibility of this presupposition of Neves | ge is fortunate, since Miss Anna M. Sroppart’s avcount of this heroic figure is not, my Baronite sorrowfully says, likely to convey any adequate idea of its personality. r. Fox Bovsne and Mr, ADDINGTON Symonps have written biographies of the Elizabethan soldier, in which he boldly stands forth, Miss Stopparr modestly says her object is ‘‘in no way to compete with” these s works. But, why write at all? The marvel is, as Dr. Jonson did not exactly say in illustration of an argument respecting another feminine achievement, not that the work should not have been well done, but that it possibly could be done with such wooden effect. If Miss Sroppart had taken a sheet of paper and with her pair of scissors cut out the tigure of a man, writing across it ‘*This is Purp Sipyey,”’ she wuuld have conveyed quite as clear and moving a picture of the man a3 is found io the 111 pages of her book. But thea Mr, Brackwoop would not have published the serap of paper, and we should not have had the charming portrait of Sipner, or the sketches of Penshurst by Maxearetr L. Hueoins which adorn the daintily got-up volume. My Baronitess writes:—S. Barrve Gouxp turns into delightful English prose some of the ancient Icelandic Sagas, or songs, and shows us how Crettir the Outlaw wasa Grettir man than was generally sup- by anyone who had never heard very much about him. When e departed, was he very much Brees by all who knew him ? Messrs. Macmittan offer My New Hume, provided by Mrs. Moteswortu, which many of the little ** new” women wwuld like to see, Iliustrated by L. Lestiz Brooke: ** Baooxe”’ suggests ** water cvleurs,””—a new idea for next Christmas, Sou’-wester and Sword, by Hucu St. Leerr. A nautical and military combination. The Sou’wester of a tar isnot at-all at-sea when, after a pleasant little shipwreck, he joins the forces at Suakim. The winner of this Sr. Laean was a rank outsider, with the odds against him, but he wins the day by ‘‘throstling”’ (a new word) a few Soudanese ; who must have seemed quite forty to one! A cousin, especially a Colonial, is such a very pleasant indistinct sort of relative, that he is bound to be a hero of romance, though perhaps a cousin at hand is worth two in the bush; at least, so thinks the heroine in My Cousin from Australia, by Evetyn Everett Green (Hotrcuinson & Co.); whilst the one whom she should have wed was of course a wicked Baronet (does one often meet a gud Baronet in fiction t), who tries to upset his successfal rival by giving him a tip over an agreeably high cliff. It isa Christmas story, and sothe ‘tip’ is just attheright time. Howit ends—— You’ilsee. Black and White has gone in fur a shilling’s worth of the truly wonderful in Zhe Dream Club, by Barnure Parn and Epen Purrorrs. It is quite an after-turkey, plum-pudding, mince-pie dinner story. How authors and artists must have suffered, judging, at least, by the delightful nightmare illustrations, And the picture- lady of the cvver—ahem! —she has evidently forgotten that she is supposed to be “‘uut’’ at Christmas. tween the boards of LorHar MrcGENDORFER 8 moveable toy- books (H. Gaxvet & Co.) lies genuine fun. The Scenes of the Life o a Masher are simply irresistible. Little ones will be delighted wit The Transformation Scenes, besides, thereis Charming Variety with a Party of Siz. These books are a good tip for a Christmas gift for the re tatives of Tommy and Harry. Had G. W. Appieton’s The Co- Respondent—an attractive title— been in the form of a short magazine story, it would probably have beea amusing from first te last. Nuw it is only amu-ing at first. Good idea all the same. The old quotation about “Sir Hupert Sranugey” is brought in, and, of course, incorreetly. Jt is not ** Praise from Sir Huserr Sranier,” but “approbation.” However, as it is said by a light-hearted girl of a very modern type, it may be assumed that the misquotation is iatentional, Tue B. pe B.-W.

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ne dh lease | please. Why, the very smell of such a weed as

aa PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Descemnmr 15, 1894

Fa you had all the KNOWLEDGE, HONOUR, WEALTH, or the HIGHEST SOCIAL POSITION OF THIS WORLD at your command, you must be measured by the HEART, which SHOULD BE HUMBLE, HONEST, and KIND, for this IS NOBILITY OF MAN! “The First Test of a truly Great Man is his Humility."—RUSKIN. IS NICOTINE A SOUTH FRONT, OR ONLY JOYOUS AND ECSTATIC ? A KIND HEART AND A CAREWORN CABMAN. ANTIDOTE. “The other night, getting into a cab after In the Battle of Life use nat techie" ENO’S “FRUIT SALT.” cigar. It was one of the best examples of Havannah tobacco that money could buy. “When he pulled up at Irving’s door,’ said Toole, who It is an imperative hygienic need, or neces- sary adjunct. It keeps the blood pure, prevents and cures fevers and acute inflammatory diseases, related the incident to me, ‘the driver, who was a poor, melancholy looking old chap at the be- removes the injurious effects of stimulants, nar- | cotics, such as alcohol, tobacco, tea, coffee, by | ginning of our short journey, had become what natural means—thus restores the nervous system | East-enders call ‘‘a regular fop.” His hat was stuck on one side, he was sitting upright on his to ite normal condition by preventing the great | danger of poisoned blood, and over - cerebral | box, and he was smoking with a conscious air of enjoyment and superiority that delighted Irving. “You like that cigar, eh?” said Irving. ‘‘ Like activity, sleeplessness, irritability, worry, &c. A Merry Heart goes all the Day, A Sai one but an Hour. it!” he replied, “‘it’s heavenly; never in all my life tasted anything like it—couldn’t a’ dreamed of such tobacco—thank you, Sir.” and he puffed away as he spoke, while Irving, producing his big case, said, ‘‘ Well, I’m glad you like it, here’s « another, smoke it at home after supper.” “No, Geyerat Derrgssion.—“ Those of our readers whe ar afflieted with liver troubles, and suffer from their irritating effect on the temperament, should try ENO’s ‘FR SALT.’ It is oo commendable for this pur pose, but it will also be found eseful for other ordinary tly when they result from over-cating, or Sir, not me,” said th: cabman. *‘ Thankee, Bir, eee undue <tioment. "—ScieNce SivTixes.

it’s very kind, but I’ll smoke it on my box, if you this in my house would be enough for the land- lord, not simply to raise my rent, mind you, but to double it.” ’’’—** Cigarette Papers,” by J. Harrow, Newcastle Weekly Chronicle.

The value of ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” cannot be told. Its suecess in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, and Australia proves it.

CAUTION. —Kzamine each Bottle, and sea that the Capéile is marked ENO'’S * « PRUIT SALT.’ Without it you have beoh tiaposedl on by @ worthless and wii titation Prepared only at ENO’S “FRUIT SALT”’ WORKS, LONDON, S&.E.. by J. C. ENO’S PATENT. - aed nee cn (Design by Phil May.) a Hl 0 a A & D ¥ OPER | a La ——— ee FRERES’ older P , Port- Trussers, able Railway and Ko g Stock. EE Ee FIRST QUALITY EERINGS sion.

- and = CopENHAGEN C. O. M. Gerry Brandy. The finest type of DUBLIN WHISKY obtainable. Over & years’ established reputation. Cares of 1 doz. bottles free to all Railway Stations on reeeipt of 50s. ANDREWS & CO., DAME 8T., DUBLIN, ole Proprietors of the Cc. O. M. Brand. london Office— 14, Joux Sreeer, Avecrat. | WRIGHT SJ ) si | Psosied COAL : “a THE S Kin "me RECRUITING SERGEANT (expatiating on the advantazes| = TAR «f the Army). ‘‘ Good food, good clothing, nothing to do, plenty of pocket-money, and when you get old a pension, and maLeTs 6 M “SOAP if you cough GERAULEL’S PASTILLES!” WHIS 1 Ges Ge Wrislemle bepél PasaeTT & JOUNGON, Se, Snow Mi Leckes, Bo” The Best Liqueur HOOPING COUGH, CROUP

HERBAL EMBROCATION the celebrated cure Without interne medicine. Bole W Agents, W. Kowsnve « Son, 167, Queen Victoria Street, | ondon bul a Price 4s. per butte 4, Kue de la ew vantate ans Ce., orth W irre Hireet Tobacconists Commencing Illi | ide (250 pp., dd.) “ iow to on a C Store.” Tobacco picts Co,, 6, Buston Ma , | dy hop Fitters and Show’ Cas Makers for alt Trades Kotimates free. Mer Wy Myrne Vat ines Wine Merchant

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dsomwomn 15, 1894 ~ SAMUEL BROTHERS. COMPLETE SCHOOL OUTFITS. an i of 7 Show -Kooms P te and Guardians who are @esivous of Outfitts thetr Juvenile charges for any of the Public or vate oye have very ‘he closest attention of Mesars "SA JEL B with the resuit that this important roan eo thetr business has attained very lnsge dim->nstons, o that ev manufactured to tven At Hoys and day dress. New Outfitting Catalogue (650 Engravings) and Patterns free. Merchant Tailors and Juvenile Outfitters. 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. withetend Youths to thetr when an 16 years, 18s. years, 17s. 34. 18a. Od “Dexsana ” Bore * Brow With Vest — “Dovat” Ovencoat. deh of 6 years, 22s. y sl - cat poten ee —— years, és. Por boy of | or years, Macuses from 98 04 Trousers from Sa. JACKET AND r Ps eye Ovences: For bor of 3 yrs., %. 4 Por boy of 6 dag! te HOVI S| ~ PACKHAM? Por rapid aod sinooth writing sothing cam beat them. 64. and ls per Box, at all Stationers. Sample Box of all kinds, ls. 1d. by Post. | Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. S. FITTON AND SON, Millers, Macclesfield. GOLD PENS from 4s. each. Se ae PALMER'S BREAD. TABLE WATERS »t, : EA ete“ NIGHT LIGHTS.| .., 4. .G040, PENS a O V | DISTILLED WATER. VENUS ” coup ame enon fosbeee BISCUITS Beware a | TO BURN IN GLASSES WITHOUT WATER. surrantz Be SP, PENS | MACHIVEN & CAMERON'S PENS: “CLOWWORM ” soma Beate NS mt O V | S | TO BURN IN SAUCERS WITH WATER | cpnoves 2 OL ENS FLYING SCOT yTCHMAN PEN. | Sole Manufacturers and Patentees, | GOLD PENS STEAL O | PALMER & OO. (L44.), STRATFORD, LONDON A POSITIVE CUME POR WRITER'S CRAMr GREAD. | GOLD PENS | Soggy REGULARITY OF WRITING. | e Further particulars from GOLD MADE TO SUIT EVERY HAND AND 8TYLE | ALooUr FRAISINE. Cat ano Paice List on aPriication. MASIE, TODD, & BAKD, Manufacturers of G A cctitoms Dentifrice, made from Septet. Pens “Swan” Fountain Pens, Cu zarsie, Mf all Chemists, or for ls. 24. of Lonpom, E.C., and 96a, Reount aner, ¥ FRANKS & CO., 6, Basrowsar, Lom von (Pi y End). [Eetablished 1845.) “* uv a °- ‘ea ese e - ea - a *- - “Cmsseaasnnge | Sold only im l-ounce Packets. and 2, 4, @-ounce, and |-Ib. Tins, which keep the Sagano ts fine smoking condition Ask at all Tobacce Sellers’, Stores, &c., and take no other. SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED ACAINST IMITATIONS. The Genuine bears the Trade-Mark, “Nottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER'S MAVY CUT CICARETTES, in Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 94, 60, and 100. The following extract from the “ Raviaw or Revimws,” Nov., 1800, is of interest to every Gracker : THE PIPE IX 1HE WORKHOUSE — So tictnse doawe by on by our e Meiper of tho pase G28 man to the the hearts One . eWay at an empty pipe, has touched who dates the High Alps, and signs himself “ Vid ." -ys i, ff iy number of the Keview of Reviews for a seheme to supply smokers wee won: ) afraid judged by the ordinary cnntarde, 1 sun tne wast enitah of mneraninan 1 never give & cent away for purposes of so-called charity, but this scheme of yours appeals at once te the inveterate smoker. Were | in London, | would at once start fund, and levy contributions 1 om my smoking ecg uaimtances, but, compels me to bes wanderer round the Comtinent for the next nine moaths | Uitte, | ane the BEST ee PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. ‘ os = ry 2 z ae vm 7 ¢ . ve ga © ot eee dh - ! as / ~ ; 9 ¢ as aay, uy Be ORK 2 oS ae fs Ssiellinane 7 — Specially Prepared for Smokers who lo make their fo make their own Cgarettes.—— 2] Pacswite or 1-oz. Tux or Cioanetrrs Tosacco. JOHN PLAYER & SONS beg to call the attention of smokers to their latest high- class production, vis. : PLAYER'S “NAVY CUT CIGARETTE TOBACCO.” This Tobacco is the best of its kind, and is cut specially for smokers who prefer to roll their own Cigarettes. It is packed in 1l-oz. and 2-oz. Tins.

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In consequence of the interruption of the Christmas Holidays, the Number of “Puncn” for next week will be Published on Monday, the 24th, and will be on sale on that day at all the Railway Bookstalls, Booksellers, and Newsagents throughout the Country. ww ~ ‘ ~o™ -~ — a ite ¢ +: ’ SayA~T IT . ee )

turned, escription, will Im mo case be re { | ' ib te ANS. fis roth in ANY “7 WY : cv alley i} we! WAY | eS ~ | U1 He Hi Ss \ . a e - Registered at the General Pos: Omoe as a Newspaper. 4 jo ’ + Aat Nepali! ‘ ine ees si cs ast od bees ” j N* 2789. VOLUME CVII. ee a ‘OTE oe > 7 a to pe bn ce Ds) » x w > wW a w = a J a =) a 7 ae ra DECEMBER 22, 5 See re ae —— DUM fh vol wil. See DUNE VOL. Ra. aA a> Taal =< PRICE THREE PENCE. mpanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. lle | il 4] ih ' fi fall ‘i eT RE “h 4 not even when accor

6m” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any 4 y CADBURY'S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. NO CHEMICALS USED.

PUNGH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, ee me SY

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r | VERNON'S AUNT. R | GT. ANN’S. By W. E. Noxum. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Decemaza 22, 1894. - WORKS ON ART. MASTERPIECES OF GREEK ages ments «ni Rca, So Ales an ition de Lace (limited te & copies) on Japaneses veilam, in 2 Vols, £12 its wet REMBRANDT Seventeen of his | Ma ae ng Tr ie Line " the Oaaee! Gallery reproduced ure by the Bertin t ——e m= oan nest Japanese paper it wny by ei seem, te Pertto to by Din Nembered Sets only %), £2 Unnum bered, £12 lis Four Parte are read Jy, price a+. 6d. each net. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. Ree ein tae. his Life, his Work ~*~ his Times ty Ew Micur ce Simmonds Vaited by ick widen hore New Hdition inteen re rts, each eo ntaining Fi Piates in Phe otogravare | and Colve Landon we HeINEMANN , Redford 8t., WC. | CHATTO & WINDUS’S NEW BOOKS. | er AND PENCILSKETCHES. | By Hewar Gract Means, R.A With 4 Photo- | evere P coane 126 Paceimites. Two Vols., demy oth, 32 TH LIFE AND INVENTIONS OF THOMAS A EDISON ty W KL and mis Incuson. With 20 Illustrations. Demy MEMorRs OFTHE DUCHESSE DE GONTAUT Gouvernante to the Children ¢ France during the Kestoration), 1773-1886. Two Vols, demy #vo, cloth, tls | MM FIRST BOOK. By Twenty- Two Pamous Authors. Witha PREFATOKY | STORY by Jenows K Jenowsn, and 18 Liustrations Small demy Svo, cloth, 7s. 4d WEW LIBRARY WOVELS. Me. JERVIS. By B. M. Croxen, Author of “ Diana Herrington.” Three Vols GooD SHIP " ‘MOHOCK. x TH W. Cisan Ke we THE SUICIDE ‘CLUB; ; and Grev — ee) ee. w . . A Crown @ve, cloth, be WEW THREE-AND-SIXPENNY NOVELS. pupn N- HEAD WILSON. By Mana Twain ith Portrait, and 6 Illus’ra- tions by Louw Lees THE BELL- RINGER OF ANGEL'S, &c. Hy Beer Haare. With % Illus trations By Sama W ith 47 lllustrations. ENSHAW FANNING'S ~- — — BA Mrrronp, Author of deaxwerte Dencax “ The Lack of Gerard Ridge “ The King « Assegai,” &c PHANTASTES : mance By Geonest Macnowate a Faerie Ro- with lilustrations H's | VANISHED STAR. By Caappocs, Author of “ The Prophet of the Great tex yky Mountains.” ROMANCES OF THE OLD SERAGLIO. By H. N. Castcee. With @ Iliustrations ) ytd By Emr Zona, Author of “The Downfall,” “The Dream,” *Money,” and “ Dr. Pascal Two OFFENDERS. By Ovrpa, Author of “ Under Two Flags. London: CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, Piccadilly, W. TO SMOKERS. FLOR DE DINDICUL, j. 5ist.c%%e DIAN CIGAR, exquisite flavour. than avannahs.”—Worin, Dec. ra rf ras. b~ per 100 (two sizes Samples ¢@ and 5), \s., post free 12 stam LaY, @and’ 74, Birand, and 143, Checguide The wy nuance “ Chatain Foncee * Sole anly br by w wintln ae 472. Onkad of am. Price te 6d., We 64 3s can be using ARINE , London. | age —aay 55, 60, or 65 —whichever happens first. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Day Gonsumption. 50 Ves. SOLD RETAIL REVERSIBLE PREMIUM PLAN. | ENDOWMENT ASSURANCE. With Profits. EVERYWHERE. Sum assured payable at death or at a given travels few things as tontshed me mane § seeing the beauties of the Harem smoking Narghiiés a: stam boul. Aftersmoking a sweet aromatic Pasti| e used, which imparts an odvur of fowers to Under the Reversible Plan the Com- pany, instead of paying down the sum assured at a fixed age, agree to pay an annuity equiva- lent to the half-yearly premiums hitherto paid, the sum being still payable at death. FOR PARTICULARS, APPLY TO THE STANDARD | LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Funds, 7} Millions Stg. Eprxpvnen, 8, George Street (Head Office). Loxpos, 83, King William Street, E.C. . 8, Pull Mall East, 8.W. Dup.im, 66, Upper Sackville Street. patt Lvanches & Agencies im India 4 the Colonies. | MM Taty I have seen these Pastils but once in Europe, at Pissst & Losin’s “—Lady W. Mont \ La who admire a* breath of Flowers” should takes Pastil nightand morning QO 72 BS OBTaiwED oF ati > Per; — ae Oy vt Bona § st yen FAR AND AWAY THE BEST WIGHT LIGHTS. NTO: SAF ery Single LIGHT Wicks, burn | nine hours each. SAVE YOUR LIVES BY TAKING boxes containing eight 5 Lights. 84d. per box. N.B—No water | re quired. CLARKE’S “ pyeamie” NURSERY-LAMP FOOD- THE MIGHTY HEALER. WARMER. lt has @ power over disease hitherto unknown 3/6, 5/-, and 6/- each. ee . All with registered Pannikins. A WILL 1. A DOSE ar baptivs ‘wae Raseovs It There is no Paraffine or Bronchitie and Asthma & felieves instantiy. other Dangerous Material The Spasms of Whooping Cough beceme less used in the manufacture of with each dose of the medicine these Lights. . 2, CWERIDGE, Mull. | CLAREE’S PYRAMID & FAIRY LIGHT 00., Ltd., oer — i Fccens Medicine Veodens.” ” CRICKLEWOOD, LONDON, N.W TADDY and C2Y.’S Myrtle Grove 7 TOBACCO. FOR PIPE CIGARETTE. Packed in embossed foil packets and tins only. Manufactured from selected Leaf and guaranteed absolutely Pure lor tinting grey or faded ‘Mair MARINE is invaluable a PALACE... COVERED BALCONY AND LOUNCE. Facing the Sea and Pier. Electric Lighted. Elevator to all Pioo HASTINGS. BRIGHTON Hotel Mferropoe The finest and Ie, ore World Seaside Hotel most luxurious Fis ‘BOW, , BUTTER-SCOTGH (The Celebrated Sweet for Children, In “Van PATENT DIAGOMAL SEAM CORSETS. Will not split in the Seams nor tear in the Fabric. «The and Shades, or Italian Cloth, Batin, and Coutil, also in the new Sanitary Woolles Cloth, m., ae oil, 7Al Sold fy "Btu Pr Princip -,=- and Ladies’ Outfitters in the United Kingdom & colonies Tare Goto Mepate. [A TOILET m/e * | | EVERY BLADE BEARS THE CORPORATE MARK + waa? * O° (TRUS ony) AS A GUARANTEE OF EXCELLENCE. FOR THE MAPPIN & WEBB'S 2, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.C., and PATENT SCREW-FAST KNIVES. 158 to 162, OXFORD STREET. LONDON, W.|

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Decempzr 22, 1894.) OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 289 THE SNUBBED PROFES- SIONAL’S VADE MECUM. Question. You consider yourself neglected because, I presume, the publie do not appreciate you at your proper wine? Answer. That is, indeed, the case, and for further par- ticulars I refer you to a recent correspondence in the Pall Mall Gazette. Q. Is it not necessary that you should acquire an immense amount of knowledge to under- take the duties of your pro- fes-ion worthily ? A, Certainly; and we wel- come anv kind of safeguard that will protect the public agains fraud and imposture. Q. Then you consider your- profession very seriously ? A. Undoubtedly. It is the most important profession in the world ; not a man, woman, or child exists who has not derived some benefit from its exercise. Q. If I am not mistaken. vou ought to be educated at Oxford or Cambridge to do full justice to your opportu- nities ? A, Certainly; upwm the foundation of a school train- ing at either Eton, West- minster, Rugby, or Harrow. Q. Ought you not to take up buman and comparative anatomy ? A. As a matter of course, combined with physiology and chemistry. Q. But does every professor | Boy HAS PASSFD HIS EXAMINATION ! of your art follow this routine| The Earl. ‘Wei, | DON’T SEE ANYTHING IN THAT, So HAS MINE.” of work ? Mr. Goodchild, ‘‘ Ex—Inptan Crvit HONOURS DIVIDED. Mr. Goodchild. ‘Yes, I DO FEEL IN GOOD srinirs THis xvENING, My|Bos. Whatisshe? A Qua- A, Those who are of the greater worth. There are out- siders who assume our noble name and yet know nothing of our special subject. Q. Besides the studies you have mentioned, are there any others necessary to the forma- tion of a man of your special attainments ? A. Well, it would be well for an operator to understand metallurgy and mechanics. Q. And have you to culti- vate the graces of the person ? A, Certainly; you must be of a pleasing and courteous nee, You must be fitted nature and art to obtain the confidence of those who y you a professional visit. ou must be tender and true. You must be able to converse on every subject under the sun, i t the attention of a SS pains by causing to listen to your anecdotes. Q. It seems, then, you must be an admirable Crichton ? A, Well,yes, ina small way. Q. Then what are you called? May I put down an archbishop, or a Lord Chief Justice. or a Prime Minister ? A. No, neither. I do not aspire to be a person of s0 much importance, % Q. Then what are you? ‘ [.4., Why, merely a dentist ! At the Fancy Ball. “Do look at that huge woman dancing with Uncle “ H’m! rather an Earth- 2” The Earl. ‘“‘No—Bawxrrercy |” | quakeress, I should fancy!” - FIRST IMPRESSIONS. En Route to the Mediterranean.—I am alone, until a Frenchman and his young wife come in and glare at me, presumably because I am already there. The ordinary honeymoon couple anywhere are superrilious enough, and a French honeymoon couple perhaps more so. If you gaze absently at the back of Madame’s hat, when you are looking at the mountains beyond Madame’s head, Monsieur glares at you with the concentrated fury of an angry menagerie. But a French evuple, travelling in Italy, which loves the Triple Alliance, develope an air of superciliousne-s quite unapproachd ; and when their solitude is invaded by an Englishman, a native of the country which occupies Egypt, thousand thunders, it is too strong ! So these two whisper together, and look out of one window, while I look out of the other, at Viareggio, and the distant Carrara quarries and other sights. All ye yp Sano beautiful, no doubt, but not to be compared to what I shall see beyond Spezia Think of the blue sea, the glorious hills, the olive woods, the Italian fishing villages, the orange groves, the ens and the flowers. Rather better than that English coast w' Londoners know so well, the seashore at Brighton, probably the ugliest in the world, with the most unpictur- esque town stretching alongit. Of course, I shall not see everything from the train, but I shall at least have the recollection of an earthly paradise, to torment me ever after when travelling in the infernal regions of the Underground Railwar. November in Genoa; November in Gower Street! Halloo, this is Spezia! Now then, look out. Oh, here’sa tunnel first. Wait patiently till we are through the tunnel. By dim light of carriage lamp perceive the French e glaring at me. This is along tunnel. But then at the end I shall see—— Here is the end. Down with the window. There’s the Mediter—— Halloo! Another tunnel. Up with the window. At last this one is coming to an end. Down with the win- dow again. Look out. There’sthe Medi— Halloo, another one! Up with the window again. French people still glare, but, it seems to me, more mildly. A fellow-feeling of suffocation, no doubt. | Well, this is long. At last we’re out. Down with the window once |more. There’s the Med—— What? Another one. Up with the | window once more. This is a long one. in to cough. French- /man also coughs. A bend of sympathy. We cough together. Well, | at last we are out of these pba ran My Down with the window. There’s the Medit—— Up with the window. Another one! These | gymnastics with the windows are most fatiguing. Choke again. | Frenchman also chokes, ‘* Ces tunnels!” he gasps at last, ‘on - geet Just then the train bursts into daylight, and his head, as before, goes out of his window, like mine out of my window, There’s the Me——. Another! “* Supristi!” By Jove! More choking. ‘“‘ Ces chemins de fers italiens——” begins the Frenchman. Then another burst of daylight and his head and mine go out. There’s the Medit—— ‘* Matin!” Great Scott! Agree with Frenchman, ‘ C’est assommant,” says he, ‘* quel pays——” Then another gap and heads out as before. There's the Mediterra— ** Mille tonnerres!” I’m hanged! Frenchman and I[ abuse the line, the tunnels, the bad light and the worse air. Another interval. There’s the M—— ‘“* Sacré nom de nom!” Confound! French- man becomes quite friendly, Even Madame says a word or two. Begin vow to disregard half seconds of daylight, and treat it as all | tunnel over two hours’ long. At last arrive at Genoa, our faces streaked with soot, our lungs fall of smoke, our collars nearly black, and all the superciliousness |shaken out of us. Frenchman almost affectionate when we part. As for the Mediterranean, I rhould have seen nearly as much of it at Moorgate Street. A Finest Impressionist. On Some Curistmas myn fhe «some in exqapemnents if you possess one of WALKER’s capitel | 90. cket-diaries, they ae strongly bound to assist you. His Society Christmas Cards are, as they should be, first class. In fact, “ Watker” is not ** Hooxey,” but “0, K.” roL. CVU, cc Naan NRRMR Se Ae

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“SHAILVINEGSHUMEY NVEAOUNT FHL OL UVM, AO LAY AHL NO ONIYALOVI AVE WILL "NON3IWONSHd LNVINI 3SHL My, Wy [Decempzr 22, 1894. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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Decempgr 22, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. mar AN EXTRACT FROM A PRIVATE LETTER. ‘‘___ AND OH, MABEL, A WrercH mistook MY SKIRT FOR THE "Bus APRON, THE OTHER DAY, AND DIDN’T FIND OUT HIS MISTAKE FOR EVER SO LONG. OF COURSE HE WAS AWFULLY NICE ABOUT IT ; 80 I HAD TO SAY, IT DIDN’T MATTER, BuT WASN'T IT DREADFUL |” THE INFANT PHENOMENON. Wuen the song said Jap An Srp was just tectees but a kid Of what Atcock dubbed “‘ a race gro -_ and savage,” The Wise West had not a pas of the kick-up and commotion, The naval noise and mili ravage, That same “‘ little kid” would raise; of the peans of loud praise The Wise Boy of the East would hear around him, A meee of the e West he was held, but, upon test, way, the West has found him. Phenemenal youn aod ath Occidental Powers seem happy To gather ro teh the object lesson the wicked Art of coring poost | you ’ve carried far In matier which before we might but guess on. is Soret and stool, If a kid, he’s not a fool! With His blackboard and his lump of chalk, he’s showing How to work an ironclad! It’s amazing that a lad With a lemon-face kno Hie © teak yom So week op Ke deen in the matter of torpedoes, a Denil MARE EOE cheated tee ction, n naval ma’ stra tacti enh Decent eee aa dee names and terms sound funny, it is more than even pie mesa And aia baggy breeches, and a speech all “his” and og this ‘‘ Boy” can ngne Se the Cine Giant stingo ? His phis look fat his head-gear ’s hardly tasty, And his eyes are like Bal pepe A But tho yp ep py y, and the colour of fresh honey, ee sas Hapésv of dash and “ divil.” See, those eyes are all a-twinkle! Like the sudu-mushi’s tinkle Fall his accents yd onave, but full of ih ge ‘Oh, teach your granny!’ And y: you ’ll hardly now find any to retort. ; Or to twit the herent = th with youth’s presumption. For the stalwart T the Groat Bea Bear’s optic glistens, me. 4 oe Melioan on a low and don’t say — full, ve tow OHN oo i e’s no m a jug- Who out of the Chinee the stufin’! Infant phenomenon? Wal, I ra er guess he’ ogy And thalked i it out a caution, THe! sa s And Jomy Butt, who’ll have to strain to keep separeh of the main, Thinks the infant Jap a chap to keep Ais eye on! GENEROSITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES. (THB Question of the Day.) Daisy. I want to bay a Christmas present for Jack. Do you see any*hing you think he would like ? , tolet, Here’s a moroceo case with seven razors, one for each day of the week. Daisy. porey | But Jack ’s got whiskers and a beard. Violet. he hae! Then why not this exquisite silver cigar-ash tray ? Daisy. Yes, that would be just the thing; only, unfortunately, JACK never smokes, and always walks out of the room if any body else does, Violet, Oh! That’s awkward, This drinking-horn—what do you think of it ? aoe (phony). I’m ofld Jack’sa ie Ribbonite. Violet (after a pause). He needn’t use it for drinking from. It would do for a apo 0) if it had a stand. Anyhow, let’s make haste and choose Daisy. I would five ie lovely ink-bottle, only he uses a rps wee Ah, I have heady Jn an ir seaien i wis estion is whether Jack has i, 2 not ot yew. ; assy (ent ). ‘ ACK never has any money—but that is aw a vetetal Showy, | isn’t it ? Violet. Awfully pretty! Made in Germany, too, it says; that makes it so much more romantic. Daisy (groa ning). Come arent Jack ’s a morbid patriot. Won't look at a thing not made in land. I must pt no some other * | day. Ant ye eee Se Soe for lunch. choosing isn’t as easy as one Violet. Not for Jack, at any rate! (Ezeunt y, present- hurriedly, and empty-handed. ‘Career or THE Lieut Bricaps.”—My Gas Company’s bill. Se en ees

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decempmr 22, 1894, A “B. AND S.” AT THE SAVOY. Courtice Pounps in the French duet, Mr, Passmore from first to A oxrat deal is expected from the collaboration of Sir AxTuur | last (especially in his Bolero dance, one of the fanniest thinys for | Souurvaw and Mr. F. C. Borwawp, more especially when the work is | * long seen on the operatic stage), Miss Emre Owen in her RB, Sir Arthur. “ Then Boxz——” Sir Author. “ And Coz—” Both. “ Are satisfied!” [ Curtain. staged at "the Savoy, and is ht out under the direction of Mr. D'Orty Carte. The brilliant audience that gathered on Wednesda night for the first performance of The Chieftain evidently came of expectation, and as evidently went away filled with satisfaction. Twenty-seven years ago, when they were boys together, B. and 8. (that sounds friendly and refreshing) brought out an early version of the 2 = which they called The iY lontrabandista, After the re- hearsal of the new piece had gone forward for some weeks RTHvR SULLIVAN stumbled over this rather difficult word ~ and sprained hisankle. Where- ~oyeupon F. C. B., with charac- teristic promptitude and origi- nality, changed the name to The Chieftain. That is the call-boy’s narrative of events. However it be, since the opera has been entirely re-written, enlarged and beautified, it was natural to bestow upon it a new title. On the first night The Chieftai the y ~ ¢ a? an passes to public favour, and ikely to oceupy them for some time “Up in the morning early.” of ae ee dew cal notes. The cast is a very one, which is fortunate, seeing the appetite of the audience is insatiabl e only exceptional s' "Y | and other delightfal novelties, ‘ not printed in Germany.” The particularise merit. But Miss Frorence Sr. Joun and Mr. raceful movements, and the sextet with its merry music and its aughing dance, are things to see and hear. ENGLISH AS SHE IS CRAMMED. | | (Tax Oxford Board of Studies will conduct an examination in | 1896 for the new Final School of English Language and Literature. | | The following preliminary paper is to be set :— Enouisn LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE. Time allowed—18 months. ons are to be answered either in Gothic or Icelandic, to the taste and fancy of the candidate. The dates of the vird voce ‘ Chatter about Suetiey,” and “ about Qaeen Exizasets,” will be announced ly. Evening dress } api Smoking and Bohemian Concert to follow. See Hand- bills. | l. Write out the English Alphabet as inaccurately as possible ; | and distinguish between great A and the track of a duck. | 2. Translate the following unheard-of passage from BeowuLr:— Tuinchael....lytl... Haui onedr hwatuar pyebavye wereld sohi Lika... ynneye... Supply the dacune in the text. Candidates may send in as many solutions as they please, provided each is accompanied with a shilling Postal Order. The total amount subscribed will Me among the winners, less ten per cent. for our commission. . Diseuss the following :— (a) When is a door not a negress? (8) What is the difference between hearing recitation and being bored ? Gf Why is Harz Carve like a tenpenny nail ? Any replies to the above will be most thankfully received, and oaid for at our usual rates. t. ‘There was a very foolish, fond old man, Fourscore and upward, dwelling at Liskeard, Who said, I am not in my perfect mind ; It is just as I feared, in very sooth, For, to deal plainly, four larks and a hen, Two hooting owls, and one small wren to boot Did each one lodge last night within my beard.” King Lear, Act IV., Se. 6. Hence show, by internal evidence, that Epwarp Lear wrote Ba KESPEARE. 5. State the various question ** Because there’s a ‘b’ in both. 6. Give the meaning, if any, to the subjoined flowers of speech :—cheese your patter, perform the negative, a runcible cat, cow-chilo, do a drag, a pale paradoz, guing tommy-dodd, dead-lurk a crib, the hush of the corn, ferjunt rarm, the mome- raths outgrabe, and filling up the cup. 7. Trace the origin of the following legends :—(a) The old lady who travelled twice round the Inner Cirele Railway against her wish ; (6) The conversation between Toote and St. Peter about Henny Irvine; (c) The leading journalist whose nose cost him £8,000 to colour; and mention any other chestnuts you may know of, 8. Compose a leader in the 7imes style on Ballet-girls and their Little Ways ; in D. 7. phraseology on Quaternions ; dla Pink’ Un on the Delights of Sanday School; and in the best Guardian manner in Defence of Prize-fighting. 9. Write down all you don’t know about any mortal subject Fowilich most ignorant of, provided it has nothing to do with the lish language and literature. “In spite of all temptation,” Marcus Warp & Co. remain true Englishmen, and have had their dainty Christmas cards, (Qaesti s to the following answer :-— support of the loyal British shopper should be their re- Ward. But C. W. Favixwer & Co. evidently think that a foreign name is more attractive, and have christened their new table- ame * Malletino.” {[t hardly requires a deep knowledge of talian to discover that it is played with mallets, and is —v Their cards and calendars are quite ‘up to date”- at least the latter will be next year. and trength could meet the demand for encores. Where dll:excel it is difficult to ExcepTioy.—Pleasant Christmas Bills: Bills of Fare.

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Decempzr 22, 1894.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 293

THE NEW HEROINE. (A Scene from the Drama of To-morrow.) Edwin. And do you really love me ? Angelina. With all my heart and soul ; and yet-—— Edwin. Yet what? GELINA, wh Neat look so strangely at me? There is estbethitaren sour wind. something you have not the courage to tell me, Angelina.” Eywix, I can hide aetiies from you. Even though it should both our lives, you have the right to know tru Edwin, My own darling, what is in your heart ? Pp Angelina, Can you bear to hearit? Don’t look at me, or I not have the courage to say what must be said. Epwuy, I have never lived a —— life. Edwin (burying his + Jace in his hands). 1 Hee Then y * h a desper utterly. rising, with a ate effort to control his goons Good-bye, dle asd a A an you shall not go. Think oe ot it, oi of the temptations to virtue that surrounded me, of the examples remember, at least, that | knew no better. What else could I’ do ? Brought up from perro infaney by a mother of unblemished tion ? Edwin (with a puters “or h oon Your mother, too? ANGELINA, our marriage is impossible. Angelina, How hard you men are. Is your sex alone to have the monopoly of innocence? Must there always be one law for Ne poe and another for dramaticauthors? Oh, it is cruel! cruel! But will not leave me. Remember, I am still g: itis never too to err. And tniaoeseen Lom ¢.ouman inet om to be denied the chance of retrieving the innocence of a mis-spent youth by the indis- cretions of a riper wo ? Besides, are there not cases, cases known to us where a wife has lived down the terrible reproach of a blameless girlhood? Why, even Mr. Jones's latest heroine, and there is nothing later than that, could not absolutely e she had gone wrong, and yet her husband took her back! But you are so proud, so relentless, You have no pity in your heart. Edwin, Believe me, it is not pride, For myself, I would ae piediy | brave the censure of the world, and if in after years men sho in scorn he married her though at was nothing against her, should still be happy, knowing I had your love, But my father, that dear old man nappy quiet, country vicarage. Thinkofit? Itis too horrible ! ‘ = open (with bowed head). You are right, I had forgotten your ‘ather. Edwin. How could I ever look into Soat sweet, ay «ay face, and

meet those reverend eyes, knowing that I was asking him to receive as a daughter one who had never even once strayed = the paths of virtue ? Angelina, I see it all now, good-bye. Edwin, Good-bye. Angelina (as he is going), Enwtn, come back. — Ah! don’t torture me, I can bear no more! ngelina, But what if I were to tell you that this confession, so *. iliating to us both, was but a ruse to test the strength of your devotion. Edwin, Ah, don’t raise a — hope within me, only to plunge me again in the abyss of Angelina. But this is no oy hope. Edwin (eagerly). What je ou mean ? Angelina yo her head on his shoulder). I mean that I have been no better than I should be, Edwin (embracing her). My own true love, nothing can part us now. Curtain,

Crackers. THe youthful but indiscriminating would-be smoker will find unending bliss in the joys of Our Smoking-Room Concert, his though commencing with a bang won’t end in smoke. +o mg Rents Saunas wis sire in the Riviera Cosaque. are warranted to “go off,” through the inventive pope of our rack ” G. SPARAGNAPANE. of simple rs my youth. If I sede ived a he se tless else Trafalgar was

THE TRUISMS OF LIFE. (By the Right Hon, the Author of ‘' The Platitudes of Life,” M.P., F.RS., D.C.L., LL.D.) Cuaprer Il.—De Quibusdam Alis. ‘* CLEANLINESS is next to Godliness” ; ; 80 zane the witty aphorism ; and modern bacteriologists “* clearly the reason, and show why it is so,”' the italics not in the original. The use of water is an effectual element Men have been known to brush their teeth with it. a eee | but water is practically one, pers said And, again, *‘ There is ® tide im affairs of men,” * as grea Deng put it, in confirma- tion of 8 8 Fresh air oomtnbtes angely tothe heath * In aére salus,” said the Romans; ces, tor 7 < have rendered this, ‘There is che’ flight” ; want of the diwresis, have su it to mean, whips and he will carry ra over the "% Yes, indeed, how wonderful is the air! Not only confined, as in aérated net or waters, but in the open. By it we breathe and smell and sail on ships, Also the fields are full of buttercups. And then the weather! How much of true Coty ore on conver- een arapow mach of this on the w ! Yet ‘* there is really no such _as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.” # true thought a often, beped me in a London fog. re the air rp * Games are le.” # “Bid not NELson om gl t the battle of ** won in the playing- f Eton?” He referred of ate to the of th * ways Sap us oe ~y zie. USKIN of the advantage creasing “range of what we see,” for the moment his views about locomotives Among forms of recreation on pone Art and aod and their wives’ relations. I say nothing of though the other day T sauns ceneis tho stetecaent that” All the wor ’s a stage.” * Another recreation is letter-writing. Lord CiesTeRrigip wrote letters. But be careful. If you have written a cruel letter, put a stamp on it, lest it come back upon your own have spoken of a man’s wife’s relations. This implies marriage “The wise choice of female friends is... important.”* ‘* Grapple them to thy soul wi of 7 as a writer lately put it, thinking, perha) ‘of the bethan are risks in mar- riage. Itis * for ter for worse,”’* This distinction is well brought out in the two fi —‘* And oh! if there be an Elysium on earth, it is this, it is this!”® and ‘*‘ Wedlock’s a saucy, sad, familiar state.” ” One might throw out some originally “. the eaertion of selection, but, as 6 Head SyGy Se oe himself to me * Silence is golden ve mae that ‘* talking nl aif rao ag the tongue.” "' supe iting ” for ** ing,” = or “tongue,” an really wonder why I have whiten all all this. Can it be that I regard the reading public as ‘‘ mostly fools” ? ! Lubbock. * Don Juan. * Ruskin. *Sir James eo Sage, 5 Shakspeare. * Lubbock 7 Lubbock “wy Shakspeare. * Marriage serv Tom Moore. “ Peter Pindar '! Labbock. Carlyle.

THE MAKING OF A MAN. (‘‘ Lord Rosesery is not a man)at all: he is a politic cal Joint-Stoc k Com- pany, Limited.”’"—Letter from Mr. Chamberlain in the ‘ Times.” | On, CHAMBERLAIN, with I note the labour of the file

In this delightful our literary style. 1 seem to see you evi it ie balf ah ways, Before your taste settle on the perfect final phrase. Vide jut gee polish here, a slight erasure there, You it into en ‘and made your oo y fair. In, aad its tcl ooavitr all meaner a rebukes, In every lit mpg gna agin nwabgs The g t style, the courtly thrust with be: ind sword | Of one—what need to tell his name ’—who dearly loves a iord ; Who learnt, contd ous Symes Daiep Se ancient comeioy That — to no i bles he re bold bargee Serene and ail the god old maxim’s o, And by ec sees Kimeclf to all the world a

Solution of Prize Conundrum pre in our Last Week’s a How to make life happy by ‘edding fifty-nine to the latter | half of it,” The latter half of ‘* Life” is ‘* fe,” isn’t it ? , Fifty-nine is * LIX, 7 Meat it? Add this to FE, and the result is happy—** FELIX.” tihe® s Kg Conundrumist left the explanation and the country at the same —Ep

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [December 22, 1894. THE FORCE OF HABIT. The Vicar's Daughter. ‘Ou, PAPA DEAR, DID YOU HEAR OLD Mr. RoGERs sNORING IN HIs PEW THIS AFTERNOON ?” The Vicar. ‘‘No, MY LOVE. Durine THE Sermon, I surrose?” The Vicar's Daughter. “‘No\ THAT's THE FUNNY PART OF IT!” “LYING LOW.” ‘The CaanceLton or THE Excusquer has preserved, “—- admirable composure, an oracular silence during the controversies of the past few | weeks. It is sad to think that the despairing appeals of the Ministerial | Press to Sir Witt1am Harcourt to ‘ remember his swashing blow’ may re- | main unanswered until the opening of the debate on the Address some two months hence.”— The Times.) “ Little Boy Blue, come blow up your horn ! The sheep 's in the meadow, the cow ’s in the corn. Where is the boy who looks after the sheep ¢ He’s under the haycock, fast asleep ae Nursery Rhyme. Much worrited Old Liberal Party logutur :— O LITTLE Boy Blue !—(’tis a sweet poses for you, Though Pickwicki estiveness !)— What are you a-doing? There’s a-brewing, o Our — appear a - with restiveness ;! ur cattle are straying ou ought to be That horn with your old eae playing and unction. Of what are you thinking? In i> kas ong forty- winking Boy Blue seems forgetting his tore Fortarshir mutton You're not worth a button ! ont. U —- meadow is m ur bonny Brigg cow, now can't 7 see how, boy, The Tory corn-field hte you You are | our sheep, lik: ttle Bo-Peep, dnd still thet old hora es unblown, boy Sit You ’re letting them will not ** come hom: If you do nought but ram an hey wil i ‘ Still drowsing! Oh, drat it! Young Par i Without half Sad poe af bellows. oe And wma are hinting that, bm ys he is pepwepaiating, You ’re lazy—because Of course, that’ all fod. |g ; Is wanted our courage to toughen. Twas never your habit, like artful Brer Rabbit, Of old to “lie low and say nuffin’! ” Your hora, like great Rotawp’s, through high lands and low From Lincoln to Scotland, should tty oan We peed its loud —y wom our Roncesvallés ll come,—when will be a flare-up ! Tis jane not rifted ? “When Rotanp uplifted His ( Dlifant everyone heard it For thirty miles round. So your sheep- horn should sound, And too long, my Boy Blue, you ’ve ve deleseed it. Their noses foes may cock, whilst under that haycock At Malwood at ease you ’re reclining. Poor Parmrosg, our shepherd, r. — will peppered, The flock for’ your rally are p’ You are only Boy Blue, not the shepherd ? That’s true; Still, horn- blowing boys have their duty. Wake up, and wake now, Sir, and give us a rouser. Your best blast, we know, is a beauty ! On fold’s pprtting thinnish, our flocks fast diminish, Our milch-cows are sickening or straying. U ! back up the pastor, or there ’ll be enemy’s shee horns are os They're “* alin the e cattle home.’ use with . rattle-home ! Asleep ? perhaps you ’re * But though one may - €, lay u potening”! Sheep do demand watchf fl tending TO A LADY. (Born so late in the Year, that she nearly missed having a Birthday altogether, ) Accept, dear girl, the season’s compliments For Christmas and the twenty-ninth December , Your 4 auspicious of events— Is also Mr, Giapstowe’s, you remember. | Yours was a close shave, but I’m bound to say That ae the twenty-ninth far worse is, And worst o to come on All Fools’ Day, Like ae the writer of these verses! Tue Reat Scuoor-Boarp.—Its Pupils.

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“LITTLE BOY BLUE, COME BLOW UP YOUR HORN THE SHEEP’S IN THE MEADOW, THE COW’S IN THE CORN, ey LY i 5A, Z , eA Vea > “ aware /. % $ J Of Yi Z, . ° Ye . Z c Bee, EE Z Me g° 79 ‘ Y gh a r “LYING LOW.” WHERE IS THE BOY WHO LOOKS AFTER THE SHEEP? | HE’S UNDER THE HAYCOCK, FAST ASLEEP (?)”

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Decemprr 22. 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 297 THE GENIAL SEASON. Hungry-looking Acqwaintance (with eye to invitation). ‘‘S0 GLAD TO at Chap .evidently doing well), ‘‘ Wxone again, OLD May, I'm ensoyine mv Dinner!” “THREE CHEERS FOR THE EMPEROR.” (Recommended for translation and use in the German Reichstag. ) ; Fox he’s a jolly good fellow, “ And so say all of us. a Bat “hoehs” at ail seasons to fxs welt | ow Is sycophant folly and fuss. With a hip, hip, hip hooray, For that capi fellow, our Kaiser! ser ! If he'll let our cheers come in spontaneous way As oval we'll be, and he wiser. “COPY.” And ao a penet of bliss — " ” the world to me appears, And all that therein is. I loved, I hated, and desired, Despaired, like other men— And “‘copy”’ thus I have acquired, Which still informs my pen. Now, all the scenes whereon I look, All human joy and woe, Spontaneously as a book Into fresh ** copy” flow. There is no pang too terrible, No rapture too sublime, To furnish forth an article Or to suggest a rhyme. I ‘d like a little while to break My fetters lucrative, To love again for Love's own sake, For Life's own sake, to live. | To look upon the stars again With no ulterior view, Oh, aspiration wild and vain ! But—it is ** copy,”’ too! SEK YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF !” “ONE MAN ONE JOB.” A Christmassy Story for the Members of the L. C. C. Mr. Brank THREESTARS was an eminent member of the London County Council, and had distinguished himself as a supporter of the | ery, ‘‘One Man One Job.” . In his opinion a workman should stick to his work, and try no other. If he were a bricklayer, he should lay bricks ; if he were a painter, h» should daub dvors with colour. ** We don't want one man interfering with anuther man's business,” said Mr. BLank Taeeestanrs. ‘‘ Let the shoemaker stick to his last.” And this declaration of policy made him extremely popular in his own set. He was considered a sound reformer. * Sound” in more senses than one, as he happened to be particularly partial to the tones of his own vice. One day about Christmas time, when the holly and mistletoe were much in evidence, Mc. BLank Takeestars happened to be reading the reports of his own speeches at Spring Gardens, and uoconsciously closed his eyes. When he reopened them, he found a gentleman in a black costume, who invited him to give his opinion on things in general and the County C uncil in particular. Rather Pleased to be asked to air his eloquence, Mr. Branx Tureestars rendily complied with the obliging request. He talked long and well, and the geatleman in black seemed never weary of listening to hiw. When he paused fur a moment his attentive visitor put a questiou to him which “‘set him off” again. And this was repeated quite a score of times. At length, however, the orator became exhausted. “Why do you cease speaking?” asked the gentleman in black a a ith 5 am was the reply; “and now, with your persniasion, 1 will go fer 0 path on me bicycle.” “Not at all. Your job is to speak, thing else. So please continue yuur interesting remarks. you think of the report upon the City of London ?’’ Poor Biayk THReestars attempted to give his views on the subject, bat broke down. He was extremely exhausted; but the gentleman in black kept him going. He insisted upon being and I cannot let you do any- What do this, and answered that, until the eminent Member of the London | County Council became almost senseless with fatigue. He closed his eyes once more, and when he reopened them, fuund that his own servant was standing by his side. ‘* Guving to Spring Gardens, Sir?’’ asked the faithful adherent. “* Tf you are it is time to be off.” ** No,” returned Mr, Buanwk Toreestars; ‘never again. I shall resign. I have had enough talking to last me a lifetime.” From that moment BLank THaKEsTaks became a changed character, He goes in for ail sorts of hard work—wood-cutting, cricket, football, and golfing —but he never approaches the L. ©. C. In fact, he has |only mentioned Spring Gardens once since his conversion, and then | |only to link with its name an ex iun usual! ented by the | fourth capital letter of the al ihe And with this declaration his | story must come to an end, as - declines to utter another syllable in | explanation. QUEER QUERIES. | Forure or Arrica.—Having read in the papers that Mr. Jonn- | ston, our Commissioner in Central Africa, ft me te the colonising ot that country by ‘the yellow races,” I write to a»k if it would be f any use for me to apply ? As I have now suffered from chrinic | jaundice for sixteen years, complicated with intermittent attacks of ‘bilious fever, and, as my skin is usually of « bright orange, | think that I should falfil Mr. Jouweron’s requirements down to the |ground. Some of = urge me not tw go because they are sure | the swampiness of the country would carry me off; but Africa can hardly be much swampier than Lower Tottenham has during | tbe past autumn, and, personally, anything that weuld really ‘ carry me off” from the latter place I should welcome as a blessed |change. Perhaps some reader, with mure knowledge of Africa than | possess, could inform me whether there would much danger of |my yellow ——s in case of my having a fit of the blues out | there, being conv into green? Would Mr. Jomnesron in that | case me as a sort of eolourable fraud, and ship me back ‘home f Wovrp-ne Pronern. Some call the world a vale of tears, | crm neat ee ;

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298 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempsr 22, 1894, THE PERILS OF A JESTINC PREMIER. Wuew Premiers try to joke (As they will like other folk) They should really have a care That their meaning uite plain F’en to Brammagem’s slow brain, Or it really isn’t fair. For you see a Goodman Dull The jest’s flower may not cull, And he ’ll send a queer epistle To the Times which shows him crunching Gentle irony, and munching Like a donkey at a thistle. The ironical’s a trap For your solid sort of chap, Au grand serieur he'll take it, Your elusive little joke, And, like terrier or moke, Dig his teeth in it and shake it. Men will then look on and mock, And the spectacle ’s a shock To our Commonwealth’s stability, For it shows how little wit Goes to governing us and it. E’en in “ statesmen of ability.” It’s so dangerous to be funny! Men may make hardware, money, Aye, and even a career, Who yet cannot make—or take— A good joke, They ’re wide awake, Save to wit, though in a peer. and Therefore, Permrose, do not jest ! It comes badly, at the best, From a man at the State’s tiller. The ironical reject Above all, and recollect Every Jox is not a Mriier! CARTE BLANCHE! “You WON'T MIND MY PUTTING YOU INTO MY NEW NovEL, roginee— ‘quite a little holly- O’FLanerry *” ay!” out. SeasonasLe Reriecrion.—To look at Holly Leaves—at its glowing red The inside quite up to the “Me pEAR FELLOW, YE’RE WELCOME TO PUT ANYTHING aBouT ME YE LOIKE—PROVOIDIN’ IT Isw’? THRUE!” CURIOS FOR THE CRICKETERS’ EXHIBITION. Mr. Brocxer’s Bat, which he carried through a whole season without scoring once off it. A which was ‘* muffed ” eleven times in one innings. “Pair of Spectacles” (unclaimed) found on a cricket-ground. Fine Sitting of ‘* Duck’s-eggs” (exhibitor’s name not mentioned), and sample of ‘‘ Butter” used in preparing owner's fingers for “‘a of the Season.” by Instantaneous Photo- (Twenty-seven of these different. ) seale) of the —— graphy. “ort clean el (on ** Mountain Rati ” between wickets, an hour's patting down by a fidgety batsman. (Photo- graph of this, life-size, may be had on a slide for microscopic study). Instantaneous Photograph picked up at the Oval. (It is not known whether this represents an —- octopus, or the crack fast-bowler, SprnpLewn1z, “ delivering” a ball.) Fragments and Splinters. (Sap- posed to be the gathered remains of wicket, after bemg ‘‘ scattered” by one of Busrer’s lig ning-expresses. ) Die s. (Su —— ¢ at one time to be * kodak” of a lightning-flash, but discovered to represent the course of a “‘ misfielded” ball between leaving bowler’s hand and returning thereto.) “The Ball which Bowled Boxo.” (Descriptions of—Thirteen in num- ber, unique, varied, interesting, but unintelligible, selected from the un- fortunate, and resentful, victim on thirteen several occasions when. he ‘just explaining how he was unlucky enough to be given out first ball in the Big Match.”’) Portrait of Umpire. (After read- ing the above thirteen authentic and unimpeachable, but irreconcilable, explanations.) BALLADE TO ORDER. Ir vou ’re ever in want of a subject for verse— Which I venture to say you may v When you ’re strongly di Like a golfer e my advice. well be)— at an afternoon tee When you’re badly at sea, Just some fair lady to help you to settle Your subject. Here’s one which a ree ow a aure ma kettle ? Then How — om it be, ere it felt worse, And seriously thought it must give up (Where G is the ghost), and how soon Be uired f the little corpse or e . "Or with glee “ey Would the sprightly small animal And kick up its heels in the finest of fettle, Considering it all as a ful spree— How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle ? Now it wouldn't be truthful to that purse Has a superabundance *: aa of £, s., or d., | Yet | don’t mind confessing I’d gladly disburse All I have got to know who it was—he or she— Who fooled the poor bat to so great a degree. But it’s really high time to take hold of the nettle And end this ballade (you must spell with an e)— How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle ? DT Envor. I own that I felt up a tree, At the thought of the subject. But, put on one’s mettle, It can be done somehow—your t are my fee— How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle ? Fair Lady FIZZ AND FUSS. Once more America “‘ takes the cake” for gro fe. Sagem Fare tells us riy folks (nerve : of christening ships with champagne perhaps it is a poe be liquor. R the rosy” in any form must surely be as com: y ‘thrown away” on the hull of an ironclad as titillation on a e’s back or (as Sipney SmirH vy it) the dome of St. Paul’s. The total abstainer, it seems, “‘on the occasion of, baptising a new liner,” sent the President (who was to perform the ceremony) ‘‘a bottle of water as a substitute.” The Irishman supplied with whiskey to clean windows with drank the liquor and breathed on the glass! Perhaps the President may see his way to taking a leaf out of Pappy’s book. Let him drink the fizz (if it is good enough) and “ blow the water-drinkers!” Foolish fanatics! They surely forget that for every bottle of “‘ the boy” bestowed on an insensible, unap- preciative ship, there is one less left to ‘‘ gladden the heart of man.” ue absurdity. e

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Decempsr 22, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH." VIIL.—Tae Reau Tare. Tur poll is over, and the Parish Council for Mudford is at last a fait accompli—or almost so. Yet, before I come to relate the story of the polling, there are one or two matters which, as a conscientious historian, I think I should not be justified in omitting. ; As I ought to have mentioned before, I did not think it necessary or expedient in my candidature to hold any public meetings. | Speaking broadly, I declared to win with Miss Parti Burtr on Canvassing. It was far otherwise with some of my fellow-candi- | dates. Brack Bos and his mates (Harry | Jorxins and Witiu1M Brown) down from town a young glib-spoken fellow, who | made a magnificent speech, with a Gladstone peroration, that was supposed to be worth any number of votes. Brack Bos (I am) told), in a vote of thanks to him, | poe A pom = J 7 called bie “ a coed, honest | acl and straightforward lecturer.” One of these 4 briefiess barristers, no doubt. Mrs. LerHaw | Havirr and Mrs. Anste Marcu held a joint meeting (not to be confounded with a meat | tea) in support of women candidates, addressed by six enthusiastic ladies who pointed out the various fields of ene rovided for woman | by this new Engi ° of eform. The vicar, | the squire, and I, alone out of the eight, con- | tented ourselves with no perfervid | —— should also state that, as the poll grew nearer, my wife became invreasingly confident that I should be beaten—“‘ and that, Trmoray,”’ she added, ‘‘ you won’t like.” I pointed out | (and I still think it was a natural thing to do in the circumstances) that the most formida- | ble obstacle in the way of my succeeding was the apparent lack of interest taken in the affair by my family. This made Marta per- fectly furious. I needn't imagine I should bounce her into it that way; truth to tell, I never for one moment did think so. She would go away and stay at our town house | with the girls till the whole affair was over— | which she did. So, uncheered by wifely counsel | or daughterly devotion. I sallied forth on the morning of the 17th to my Committee Rooms, thence to on the last stage of this great contest. I plume myself upon the excellence of my arrangements. Everywhere oh bidden (that is you would have if you had been at Mudford) to ‘‘ Vote for Wiyxtns, the Local Candidate.” I am free to admit that there was nothing distine- tive in this description of myself. e were all local candidates, since we all lived in the village itself. But this appeal to “‘ local” feeling is always an excellent card to play. I know in my own case that I secured five votes at least from men who at the last General Election had voted for our sitting Member because he was the “‘local candi- date.” Then I got some boys to carry round a Big Loaf and a Little Loaf, adorned with suitable placards, inciting persons, men and women, married and single, to vote for me. I did this because I never knew of an election yet in which the loaves did not play a promi- nent part. I was determined to leave no electoral device—legitimate electoral device, of course, | mean—untried. Pee mn for the masterly —- — per- ion of my arrangements, the jing pre- sented few incidents. There rad the usual number of people who did not find their names on the register, and who were conse- quently turned away sorrowing. (By the way, is ‘‘and who” right? I am never sure.) Equally, of course, there were some idi who would put off voting till it was too late, ond found themselves shut out by one minute. ae f MW i] | | " I} \\ I) / Stat 7 | / Mi) . | 7 Mf) ll ia|/ CAUTIOUS. Visitor (at out-of-the-way Inn in the North), ‘‘Do you KNOW ANYTHING ABouUT SALMON POACHING IN THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD ¢” Landlady (whose son is not above suspicion). ‘‘Eu—no, Sin. Mavee ir’s A NEW STYLE OF CoOKING AS WE HAVENT HEARD OF (N THESE PARTS, AS YOU ses, SIR, WE ONLY DO OUR Ecos THAT WAY; AND”—(brightening up)—‘‘1e you LIke 'gM, | CAN GET YOU A DISH AT ONCE!” _ At nine the poll closed: and the countin immediately commenced. I did not feel equ I had hardly grasped the diguificance of these figures when the crowd surged up over to the strain of being present, and was repre- the lawn. In a few brief, heartfelt words I sented by Miss Parti Burr. I waited at| thanked them. The greatest moment of my the house in grim suspense. Suddenly I life—should never forget this kind apprecia- | en a minute later tion on the part of those amongst whom | had heard wild cheering. Miss Puri dashed up waving a paper ex- lived, and amidst whom I hoped to die citedly and shouting, ‘‘ Hurrah! ‘Top of the wished them all a merry Christmas and good ” And so it proved to be. I, who had night. And so—they went—home. m last, was actually now first. Here are the figures :— Trworny Wriyxiss, J.P. . . 219 G. Travis-Merton (the Squire) 203 Rosert Heporr (Brack Bos) . 203 Haagry Jorkiss. ‘ . 195 Witt Brows, : . 189 Hewry Sanprorp (the Vicar) . 172 most curious point remains to be noticed. Mrs. Leraam Havirrand Mrs, Ansix Mancn tied for the last place. The Returning Officer declined to give a casting vote. Our Parish Council is to consist of seven Members, The | first six are easy enough to find out. The | latest Mudford le is—Find the seventh. I had nearly forgotten to add that my wife Leruam Havirr . «me } Tie (Who comes home to-morrow) has written to say Mrs. Anste Marcn . ...-153 f *° | she hopes I’m satisfied now. Well, I am. NEE cp

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ee oe ey eevee PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemumn 22, 1894. A YULE GRETYNGE. For ow and for noon other, ladye dere, At this ful jolyf sesoun of the yeer Now wol I truste, ne thynkynge naught of cost, This litel yefte to yon rede pilere post ; Ryghte wel ystampen sikerly, I trowe Anon myn yefte schal come to noon but yow. Ne golde han I to yeve, ne pretions gere, But floures that ben ful rare (this tyme of yeer). Ne yelwe astere, late ycome to toun, Ne yet (God wot) a grene carnacioun, But tak al fressche from Convent Gardyn plot Myn flour. and eek prayere, “* Foryete- me-not.”’ With a and merie chere and moche Bolas Sone wol this jolyf sesoun yeve us grace ; Se mote ye spende, whanne that bels swete chyme At’yule, in sothe a veray parfait tyme. ** At Cristemarse merie may ye dance,” And in the Newe Yeer han gret plesance : So fare now wel, myn hertes queene ; I praie R.8.V.P.—Ther nys no more to saye! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. A Banonrre warns me thusly: In opening The New Standard Elocutionist, selected by Atrrep H. Mires (Horcuinson & Co.), you may think there ix a mistake somewhere, as on the first you are confronted with an anatomical sketch of a cheerful-looking gentleman with his chest laid open for inspection. Don’t be afraid, it’s all right, the gentleman's countenance is reassuring, still, it makes me wonder if all reciters come to that. But after reading a little of Lewnox Brown's chapter, we find it is an object lesson teaching the usually inflated reciter how to work his di as it should be worked. Perhaps its advantages may be felt when the elocutionist wishes to rouse an admiring but slumbering audience with a little thundering out of *‘ Rise! sleep no more.” If the average recitation has a soporific effect, Pum May's drawings in Fun, Frolie and Fancy, bv Brnox Wessex will soon wake you up. The annual of three F's quite fulfils the *‘ promise of May.” Though Kitty Alone, by 8. Bantxe Govutp, rans through Good Words this year, edited by Donat» Macieop, D.D., she does it sur- rounded by excellent company. Just imagine how a child’s precon- ceived notions of euphonious spelling will be upset by teaching Artful Anticks spelt with a k, by Otrve Hearorp (Gay anv Braep). Such a frivolous liberty te take with any word in these days of sulid moral educational principles. There alwavs exists a certain sneaking friendly feeling for ghosts, especially at Christmas time, but it’s nothing to the Paddies who ex- pa a hurtful resintment if you wea’t listen to their familiar nshee yarns, and Banshee Castle, by Rosa MvLHOLLann is full of their sighing and wailing; they like to make themselves heard. A propos of Christmas numbers, my Baronitess writes: The Queen and The Gentlewoman present themselves beautifully *‘ got up.” They are both decidedly smart, and, like their titles. their stories are by a very select company. By-the-bye, in The Gentlewoman the little bird save that her New Year will open with an exciting serial, Sons of Fire, from the indefatigable pen of Miss Bravpon. There is a hearty, warm sound in it, agreeable at this time of the year. According to the ing remarks of Josren Jacons, wh» has arranged a new and selected edition of eop’s Fubles (Mac- uintan & Co.), one gathers that the ‘ modest violet” is not in it with the retiring manner in which every other writer of fable have hidden their worth under the sheltering leaves of the ever green laurels of Old sor. Their number mivht be termed fabulous, But Suertock Hotes has not lived in vain. With unerring instinct the true mythical authors have been tracked, and their deeds brought to light. The immortal genius may at last enjoy his own wealth, which he finds fits better new that it has not to be stretched. Quaint little pictures, done by Ricuaxp Heicuwar, adorn the} pages. } “A pretty volume of fairy tales,” writes one of the Assistant | Readers, “‘ comes from Messrs. Szztey & Co, It is called /ily and the Iaft, and is not only written, but also illustrated, by Mrs. Heasext Raitron, Laly herself, the little heroine. who is wafted in the magic hotel-lift through regions of Fairyland, is a darling. Beautiful butterflies, wonderful birds, quaint dwarfs, and lovely fairies abound in the morvallens country visited by Lily. Mrs. Rarcron writes with delightful fancy and i sexes humour, and her illustrations add a great charm to a k ch is bound to please the little ones for whom it is intended.’ In Furthest Ind (BLackwoop) purports to be the narrative of Mr. Epwaxp Car- Lyon, of the Honourable East India Com- pany’s service, comprising his escape from the hands of the Inquisition at Goa, his journey to the Court of the. Great M . mm | much else. It all took place some two hundred years ago, and was “wrote by his own hand in the Year of Grace 1697.” As for Mr. Syrpnzy (. Grrer, he simply “‘ edits the narrative with a few explanatory notes,” which is very modest of him. The narrative isa moying one, full of local colour, plastered on pictures of the outskirts of India in John Company’s day. Mr. Epwarp Car- LYON is a properly pragmatical person, with true British obstinacy knocking his head against any wall that comes in his way. He makes my Baronite almost think kindly of the Inquisition. And this is genial at Christmas time, when we like to think well of everybody, *‘ and so bless us all, Pen-and-Inkysition included,” quoth Trxy Tim, alias Tae Gay Baron ve Boox-Woems, A SEQUEL TO THE STORY OF UNG. (A FasLe For THOSE WHO ResENnT CRriTICism. ) In continuation (with apologies) of Mr. Rudyard Kipling’s clever * Story of Ung,” in the December Number of ‘‘ Uhe Idler.” Now Une grew cxceeding bumptious along of his scribings on bone ; And he sware that no one could judge them save only the scriber one ; And he cocked his nose at the erities (save such as effusively praised), alate And he prated of ‘* Art for Art’s sake,” till the tribesmen imagined him crazed. And Une grew exceeding abusive, and proudly “‘ uplifted_his horn,” With an Oscar Wildeish swagger, with a more than Whistlerian seorn. He kicked with the wrath of a. Kiptine at “the dull-brained bourgeois lot,” (Though he put it in different lingo, for this Billingsgate then was not.) But the prehistoric for ‘‘ Philistine!” fell from his se»rn-curled lips, And he 1 ae the non-artistic with words which would cut lke whips. And the non-artistic tribesmen thev cried “* he is right, this Une, Though we doubt if the sabre-tuuth tiger has got such a rasping tongue : “Bat there's truth im his ‘ Art fur Art’s Sake,’ and Art for him shall suffice.” ; So they shut him up, with his bones and his tools, in a cave of ice. No new-cut tongues if the bison, no pelts of the reindeer there, But only cold snow for cover, and only bare bones for fare. For they nid, ‘** We are nowise worthy, we hunting and trapping fools, To judge of his fine bone-seribings, and the way he uses his tools, Only an artist can judge of an artist's work, and he Is our only maker of pictures, our only man who can see, ** So he must be artist and critic and purchaser all in one! ” And Une admitt: d their logic, but he did not see the fun. j He cried “‘I am cold and hungry!” Then they said, “ O picture- man, Art for Art'ssake is your motto; then live on your Art— if you can !” And Une essayed to do so—by gnawing his graven b mes, But he did not find them nourish, and he begged in humbled tones For a lump of stranded whale-meat, succulent, fat hot ; In return for which, if they cared fur his bones, they might take the lot ! Se they let Une out of the ice-cave upon these liberal terms, And cured the fool of regarding his fellow-mortals as worms. And whenever ye hear Art cra:kpots a-wagging an insolent tongue, Why then—in the words of Ruprarn—heed ye the “* Story of Ung!

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| vi any added 5: | medicine. Sole Wholesale PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dsctusan 28, 1894 See Wire carte CORDON MOTELS. coe era ee tet ~y Holborn, Revel Byas, Holborn aud the Gatti's. And of ail first cl in the United “ Superior Vintage Wines of Italy.” LONDON, B.C, EPPS’S COMFORTING. rows aie GRATEFUL. OOQCOA Tims 2/68: " EXCELLENT— OF GREAT VALUE.” PEPTONIZED eatenr) COCOA & MILK. Most Delicious, Nutritious, & tequiring no digestive +ffort. Half-Tins (Samples) 1/6; SAVORY & MOORE, LONBON, Lanees dune 16, 1688, or ALL DEALERS. y Martell’s y% se Brandy. KOTTLED IN cogNAG. LAURENT-PERRIER * SANS-SUORE.” The only natural = 3 223 Se Sane cious flavour. old by ie wera i hi Hotels an id Restaurants. Sole Consignees, HER’ Su-sex Place, London, E. P 2 “4 . ——o ee EEAInETOA, 7 KINAMAN’S LL an GLENISLE The Cream of ij Old Irish Whiskios. asta. WHISKIES. GUILDFORD STRE * hoa, LAMBET HOoPiNs _—o ROCHE’S the celebrated a by w & COLLINGWoOu), |, Sox, 157, Queen Victoria told by must Chemists. je. New York Pounce. b tha Wi SMOKE THe eeLepaTED | “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lio, AT THEIR BONDED Works, LIVERPUUI, And retailed by all first-élass tubaeconists at home afd abroad, KNOWN ALL OVER THB WORLD. TO TRAVELLERS, re pleat Ww. D. ii. test ih it aa uk eaeee AR’ > BA A ; ve fi Towns it Place du . ‘a- 15 sino. And. froth Tobacconists Prougpout G WITZERLANT. Dd, aps $x EDEN, HOLLAND, ELGIUM, R Ay &e. DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA vor ACIDITY of tas SFOMACH, HEAKTHL Kk HEADACHE, GOUT, tnd INDIG UN Buld throughoit the Woria RICHMOND GEM | & THE BERLIN PHOTOGRAPHIC COMPANY 13> NEW BONI STREET LONDON VY \ Fine Art Photographs and Photogravures of Celebrated Pictures THE GORDON HOTELS CO., Anve contracted with Mevers. J. SCHWEPPE #& CO. (Lid. for the entire supply of thelr Celebrated MINE- RAL WATERS (Soda Water, Povase, Seltzer, Lemonade, &e.) at all their English and Continental SCHWEPPI Waters at expiration (» Autumn) of a present tract, and where in the meanti they tan be obtained if specially erde ULSTER COATS. IRISH FRIEZE From 468 THE SAW RALLYLAR FER Thick. Soft. | ht, « B&tin CIGARETTES. UNE@QUALLED FOR DELICACY AND FLAVOR. | LADIES’ EIDERDON THREE-QUARTER CAPES, for Golt, Walking. Detaieg or Freveiing, 3 Ge s win FRDON KUGs, “ Rook Of the | ster illustrated os ‘ent of samples, post free. Al oes j 'B0YD & c0., Ll, Bridge 8t., Se.FAST, —- —S

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL —Decempen 22, 1894. Bhoolts Keay - lonley Weand. -_ -~-mmbeimt A we " FLOORS, KITCHEN TABLES, LINOLEUM, AND OIL CLOTHS. | FOR POLISHING METALS, MARBLE, PAINT, CUTLERY, CROCKERY, MACHINERY, BATHS, STAIR RODS. 3) FOR STEEL, IRON, BRASS AND COPPER VESSELS, FIRE IRONS, MANTELS, &o. ? REMOVES RUST, DIRT, STAINS, TARNISH, &c. roi ND SET as teedey Whlcan As ap nn cat pa Al Pe, Bese as aaa ap kee aarti z fe FOR CLEANING, SCOURING, AND SCRUBBING a — = oe THE

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CHARLES KEENE’S PICTURES, 7 Yoiume, 21/- Mr. Punech’s Volumes make Weleome Christmas Gifts. PICTURES FROM “PUNCH,” The first Double Volume, In a rich and luxurious Half Leather Binding, price 10/8. JOHN LEECH’S PICTURES, 2 Volumes, cach 10/6. G. DU MAURIER’S PICTURES, 2 Volumes, each 12/-. PUNCH’S VICTORIAN ERA, (1,000 Cartoons.) 8 Vois., 42/-

PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

fr rf rare = - }—— i <™ . m) . si: | od ' Gr i 7 SSRIS Ue il oi ti Ae wg Wh ay, : ‘RB \| \i i Git - — ae BIN Wall LAW Pall ntl ll ‘i! ;

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sz N

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"OW READY PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Dscumeze 29, 1894 SIXTH YEAR OF PUBLICATION. ee em SAVORY and MOORE'S wiiairaeiia GEST E FOOD x INFANTS SED IN THE ROYAL WURSERIEZG , %., Gu., and 10s., everywhere. Sen mten sac Me NICE, CORFU, ALGERIA, &e leaving BAROWETACE, KNICHTACE, &o., FOR 1895. 1878: 1889. 20th April, returning 29th Ma A 7 8 ban. Edited by the E4it Dod's Parliamentary class ya : FP. Com peaion & Co., And & Co. " WHITTAKER 'S WINDSOR PEERAGE ts an passage apply improvement upon al) other Peerages by reason at 5, Fenchurch Avenue E.C lL —Or Onsersee, Il —Ive Comrasaurerven nes; West-End Branch Office, ie, Cockspur Street, 6.W a til. « Hawvoy Rereaexce Asaavoe- en Next to fullness and correctness of im of Highest Quality, and Having Sgmmation, « the ehief thing aimed at is handiness Greatest Durabil ity, are Therefore of refere a Ty CHE4 PEST. For Sore Throats living Membero of all Vumilicn enjoying “HEAVIEST POSSIFLE PLATING.” Hereditary Titles antn, vernmmoccommrr> SOLIS SILTES You cannot use a better PLATE. a Ser oo Morell Moston, 3. Shp Piteeh Mage tees MAPPIN & WEBB’S Ce ee ee World. Bane covosmiTus’ company, | | PRINCE'S PLATE. } (9 Gargle wn“Gondy’s” (Reep.) Show Rooms: 112, REGENT ST. W. “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE Remedial Fluid. QUALITY.” A al > PURE CUMBERLAND LEAD CUARANTEED SPECIALITIES OF THE ‘ ADAPTED FOR THE __ “UNEQUALLED © PoRK H ARD WEAR.” WFRAR “SWAN” FOUNTAIN PEN. PATENT EVER-POINTED PENCIL Pape From 106. no PAC K r A M’ S Rubber Reservoir with 14 Carat sizes H, M, VS, W. GOLD PEN, IRIDIUM TIPPED. HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS. | S. MORDAN & CO, TABLE WATERS Bushes in variety. Packing and | Parewrers axp Mawcrscronens, LONDON.| / | (Carriage free for Cash with order. = per doz., - ARE MADE WITH “Al ster Nera "Sach | gap peg Sa DISTILLED WATER. ti Faseet "Gough. Senataetery, Cxpyéen For every writer in every land, « necessity. POTS From 15/- a doz. Finally :—A pen ect as Indvensa. perfe CUBEB Soet nt cost . sent. ventive skill of fthe r~A- produce. Ornamental Trees, 91 Acres. hoe bel ms R A | My, | N Ee. wi . Pour Acres of Glass reservation we guarantee them perfect. | A delicious Dentifrice, made from Straw berri We only require your Steel Pen and | Ranéwetting to Clematis = - ~?e ‘1B CIGARETTES. Gavasamee’e Santel & god Oil | Of all Chemists, or for 1s. 24. of * e us in selecting a Capsules, 4s. 64. per Box. FRANKS & ©O., ®, Easrcurar, Lonpow Our Hlestrated Catalogue post free. rs. are For Wedding and Complimentary Presents the slightly increased prices. ee CENERAL CATALOCUE = A ry - — . MABIE, TODD, & BARD, artistlesily produced, containing + 93, some hundreds of {ilustrationa, / : = . West End Branch, Regent Bt. ‘Piscaainty End). and full of —_ information, Estasiisnen 1645. it free TH acs WORCESTER . 4 Carat Gold—therefore never corrodes. . Iridium tipped—therefore never wears out. Instantl) ready for use Writes continuously 7 ier many hours. Economical—outlasting 20. steel pens. Saves fully £15 in cost of steel pons ded ts ink: Ink in reservoir alw a; — evapora’ > For dry and fwopiedl on es, almost indis pensable © @24Fereurr | Always Refreshing, Sweet, and Lasting PRICE —1s., 2s. 6d., 5s. 6d., | and 10s. se. per bottle. note | ts ~ that NOME IS GENUINE UNLEaS b bearing | our Name and Trade Mark on Label TO BE HAD OF ALL PERFUMEKS, CHEMISTS, &c , B. HOVENDEN & SONS, | Beaxene Gr., W., & Orr Roan, B.C., Lowvon "2 "*smessagenten : ‘ Sold vniy in |-ounce Packets, and 2, 4, &-ounee, and |-Ib. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in fine smokinz Goddaras condition. Ask at all T ‘obaceo Sellers’, Stores, &c_, and take no other PAE Lee aek cele 8 SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED ACAINST IMITATIONS. NON MERC URIAL The KEST LUCE TN) g . } he Trade-Mark, “Notting? Nestle” Pach i Ti ARTICLE for CLEANING SILV ” ee ” om ow ’ ad , PLATE, @. SIX GOLD Bold everywhere, in Boxés, is., 20. 6d., 94 e¢. | PLAYER'S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, im Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 50, and 100 AST MA Mento inten te “aerar restr. satan e ner icee | WHITENS BRONCHITIS say Misvere eens | THE TEETH, iPriC A raENG DAT U RA A TA T UL A savoes 4 MOORE \ AuD OF SHLMINTS LVEPY WHERE ithe. | hew ttle, T SMOKING TOBACOO, vis., » & cheque for the amount.”

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are | [Servi dzez ~” = e- . 4 ce r- at e- id re 5, ’ Decmmazr 29, 1894.] _— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 301 THE ‘COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON ‘| (Founded upon the Farce of Christmas Cards.) Scenz—A London Drawing Room. PATERFAMILIAS pod on read- po a pa. and MATERFAMILIAS tending t the despatch of a fannber of ca ds Mater. lin te of irtation | I really think, Jomyn, that, con-| diate you have nothing earthly to do thi s afternoon, you might | come and help me. Pater. You have said that twice | before, my dear. Don’t you see | am enjoying myself ? Mater. So like you! As if you couldn’t give up that stupid paper —you declare there’s no news in it—and do me a favour! — Pater. (putting down his paper). Well, anything "tor a wad” life! What is it ? Mater. I am sending a card to Mrs. Brown. Pater. any up his paper again). Send it. Mater. My dear Joun, do attend. I want to know what I shall put into the envelope. Pater. (giring up paper, and er- amining Christmas Cards with some vague show of interest). Oh, well—here. (Casually picking up a picture of a country churchyard by moonlight). Won't this be the sort of thing ? Mater. (shocked). How can you, | John! Don’t you know that Mrs. | Brown lost her husband only a year n Pater, Then why are you | Christmas” ing her “A Merry Mater. Well, you see she Pa a | married again, and so I thought of Happy New Year” in it. Pater, (taking up a card showing this? i" lrisyusted Keeper (who has'just beaten up a brace or so of Pheasants, tending her somet ng with “A —_ young Snookson‘has missed ‘‘ clane and clever” —to dog, which f has been “‘ going seek” amd *‘ going find” from force of habit), “ An, n Pater. (promptly). reeves, Rusy, Rosy, pap nog! T’ ueeL, Rusy, 7 ween! an owlin an ivy bush). Why not APOLOGISE FOR Rusy, Siz. You sex, RUBY’s BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO PICK ’EM uP!” * Mater. Wellthat would be better, but then she ht think that the owl was in for a sneer at her cone Dates Y= a I al- wa e ys .. eep the happy new ‘you you have forgotten them. Pater. But you wouldn’t have " ” and now you eet to “A Happy New Year,” Seer _ Mater. "Can't you get something ‘ater. (taking p / card). Well, here’s a yacht in sail. Mater, Oh, how cruel! It will remind her of her cousin who was lost at sea! Pater. (selecting another sketch). Then why not this bouquet of flowers ? Mater, Not for worlds! One never knows what the flowers may mean, and we might offend her. fo ere eh. Well, here Mater, My dear John, you are absolutely provoking. A’ windmill is + a of frivolity, and I "t let hep Brown think that " — that on any account. aol aed another selec- rosy We here’s a parrot in a | “Sater. You surely are not |serious? Faney sending such « card! bY as everyone knows |that dear Mrs. Brown is rather ‘talkative, all Se world would say | it was an “* insul Pater. toting patience). Oh, ‘hang Mrs, Browy! ater. I am ashamed of you, Joun! And I suppose you would the cards, too! You would curse ‘* Merry Christmas.” t is more would—wel AH MUUST | \ over mind—the vind New Year! [Scene closing in upon un anti- seasonable squabble. THREE CHRISTMAS CREETINCS. Berore the fireside’s ruddy glow I sit, and let my thoughts fly f free ; Lo, these my Christmas tings go three good friends beyond the sea. Vain i is the winter tem oe. It cannot keep my grettings bac POLI i i How and blind ye are, Like fate, eee lind That bade m friends range afer. ee Deer caage Like mine, nen To other scenes and distant days Dear Frank, I think I see you now, My flaxen-haired American Brave heart, grey eye, unclouded br. ow, s of wilful man, Two stalwart How oft in laughter and in song With you I sped the hours along. Ah me, the days were all too short, Too swift the unreturning hours In that old town of Hall court, Of ancient gateways flanked with towers, Where once we feared the near exam.. And dared the dons, and stirred the Cam. You went, and now now expound the law (As Bumble said, the law’s a hass) And argue, as I note with awe, For litigants in Boston, Mass. ; And, though you wear no warlike suit, They eall you ‘* General” to boot. 5 > Frep, how fares it now with you In that drear country of the North ¢ Too great your needs, your means too few, A whim of temper drove you forth. On far Vancouver’s shore, alone You hear the sad Pacific moan. With us, God wot, you little throve ; Your Jife all fire, and storm, and fret, Against relentless fate you strove, ut strove in vain—and yet, and yet God shapes in storm and fire his plan, And moulds a world or makes a man. Good luck be yours on that bleak shore, Some fortunate, some golden prize ; Then be it mine to see once more Those friendly, lustrous, Irish eyes. Return and face with us your fate, The world is small and England great. You shall return and fill rome place, But never shall I clasp bis hand Whose bap and Fae wy rete face Makes sunshine Yet shall the night 1 my me uile, And let me dream I see him sm Your voice I may not hear again Oh dear and unfi friend, Beloved, but ah! ed in vain, Whom love could apo! but not defend. Still take, thea far and lost you dwell, My love, dear Huau, and so farewell. And thus before the fireside’s glow I sit and let my thoughts fly free ; Lo, these my Christmas ngs go ‘o three good friends beyond the sea ; To Fray, to Frep, and ah, to you, irrevocable Hueu. MR. PUNCH’S CHRISTMAS BOXES. To con ece of china. To China. dy if nned het-water can. To p none —A slice of turkey. To Turkey.—A russia bag. To the French Republic.—A napoleon or a ouis, To the King of Speier Hilf ot mg 0 a sovereign. To Don Carlot.—h crown or.—A few notes, |and a a mark (for stention to harmony). To Mr. Labouchere.—An neg noble. ** Sounp Curnics,”—Musical ones. VoL. CVII. DD spies t = a ¥ E k & |

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302 oe é PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Ducumsmr 29, 1894

TO PHILADELPHIA, To Resolve his Douht. | I BAVE no to bestow, | Myh no more can beat ape eee | Flutters your hand to greet. | howe My ight years have set Embalming but in bitterm All I cannot forget. When hope’is dead, and sweet desire And love's brief April rains, Only the spirit to inquire Unconquered still remains. | 'Tis'that that, bows my soul; although | I’m prostrate at your feet, | Only because I want to know— Thet owhy Leck yun, west?

MMA _ _— = ——— ——_—== —— | ; r Oe P , ; __ — = SS = 7 =e = Y aoe a

- SuecesteD TITLE.—GEORGE . | Newwes brings out Zigzags at the Zoo, writ by Morrison and drawn most humorousl

by the Gentle SHeruHErp. A CHRISTMAS. IDY.LL. pA A gunden . g eoeny Te Tae Syappracon GALop, Fore- Newnes at the Zoo. | A DOG ON HIS DAY. | AN APTERPART A LA IL. ©. C. J ' istle Pongo to Mr. Punch at Christmastide. As the L. C. C. have taken in hand the morals of the music halls, ' ae aoe — 7 ; “7 and shown an inclination to supersede the Lord Chamberlain, it Every dog has his day—so they say,— may be as well to publish a rough sketch of a specimen scene | And mine it seems comes round once a year, : : A | whtn Wi punts "fly mis 1 loka and eowns nd) fire fio he golden of feel mane yellows, ‘ . Metropolitan Board of Works. The “opening” would, of course, be And paint me, in wily attitude my quest, . -—. written by “‘a serious bard with a mission.” No doubt the story And unnatural, and a y; spilling mul c= A =i ; would be told in a manner most productive to the manufacture of With a bonnet, or @ Bib On, OF tie aD an Owe oo eae von sgh Gibbon! | Prigs. The transformation over, Clown, Pantaloon, Harlequin and Oh, the Dogs’ ‘‘ Decline and Fall” might inspire a doggish Gibbon ! Columbine would bo discovered ia 6 aseun. | And they make me most ushappy, and my temper sharp and | “(54 (in the conventional tone). Here we are again ! snappy, : : Bumble (representing the L. C. C.). Scarcely. Allow me to point Do th ictures poor and . I’m a decent doggish chappie, - : : 3 | But in a x Cacistman’ Wembers, watching ‘oa the sloppy — (- ae “oo be cating ae ke a butter slid 2 eet Serr ihre Sn, ning ee oe any en one pedgy , hi Papen pow be phe sd recognise any practical joke of the kind. If you wish to have the ake a - ” of & poodie—on - vidi ty by - : same sort of fun, pull up the streets in the most frequented thorough- a +> a beetle ox rog eh ys “bab og, fares in the metropolis—the Strand and Fleet Street for choice. r lapping baby's custard, or refusing baby’s mustard, Clown (as before). Oh, here’s a baby! Let’s smash it! In a gown, trimmed with down, like a clown, the keeping down of babies in the abstract. But personal violence is Or coquetting with a cat, Or chasing that old rat Down that everlasting hole in the stable! On my soul, contrary to the law. If you really wish to decrease the surplus pveiaien, why not work it to death at a board-school? It may a nD | Or drese'd up like a guy, or winking t’other eye, Bumble, Please accept my advice. The Council do not object to | slower process than throwing it over a lamp-post, but the

A dog as is a dog, and not a duffer, incident will be truer to life, and therefore more convincin noe the Yuletide pictures the lees ood to suffer Clown (as before). Oh! old ’un, here’s a peeler comin . “0 ~ mony vee a at — / hf a Bumble. Pray be under no apprehension. Until the Police Force As the sonsie > e = t the t . quas-c>-en, is placed under the direct pe of the Council, the members will Vot an adjunct of the nursery : do their best to protect you. It stands to reason that a great At this happy anniv (Mr. Punch) community like London should have its own guardians under its we I could a ee ‘le P sy yt And now let’s jump through this building. | She daubers rh rip pond i wie phob, 2 Game ms. Bumble. Again I must put my veto upon your proceedings. If iu Yy a a he odd pe were to jany through that wall no doubt a placard would appear rr nee rs Neg » & ame o ol a ring the legend “‘ Somersault Place.” This might be apt, but no i owe tthe al canine to request each painter « 4 change in the nomenclature of the streets can be permitted without | To turn off the old stale tap of the porridge and the pap, and the 4. direct sanction of Spring Gardens. | Sees ple tm see and the pug (not “Clown (as before). And now let’s pelt this house, and all who’s in it ! we ~ TIS i - — obey ik tolene Tike “~~ emall pot - Bumble. Stop, on You are attacking our own sacred building. bellied Jap: and all the old clap-tra: , (Zo Harlequin). Will you be so good as to change the locale, (Har- Which mak F Pirewe y bonvai shee 4 P ti lequin strikes building, which turns into the Mansion House.) Now ion makes 8 Gecem Cy 5 eneee Seopereses ety ou may do what you please. For the Corporation of the City of

7 : : , | That he'd rather be a kitten with a ball and string to play, den i flete that we h: thy for it! | Or live on clockwork rats, or make breakfast on ch hay, ew MT none af hei or faat Y | pote ye like «ould beef snadwick’—Aye! Hf: [Scene of bustle and confusion, and curtain. Or—whisper '—Bite a Baby! !—on the nose!! in play! i 4 | Better dare renewed distemper than another Christmas Day! New Mosicat Work: Leading Strings.—If it isn’t a title it | For unless I have your promise—and dear Toby’s—I much fear ought to be for the biographies of celebrated violinists from Paga- | I must spend a pappy stmas and a yappy New Year! nini to Joachim.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 303 whether = is what they ought to Pretty partner, not like you. You, who dance Slight, and light, aod ‘quite htful, Belle dctigutte away the bell ; We were forced to stop, how Yet {found one thing to do one $) Pretty at you, In that lamentable block, Some poor lout was sure to On the Tae that trims your Though th of floor e seemed ample Even for his feet which flew, Pretty partner, after you. Oh, the links of that “ grand I chain” : te confusion ! n on : Fest, not hands, I met with pain, Stamps on toes, kick, bruise, 1S ne ve strugstel through, Nin “5 DWE owl \ “ n Wy f iy wi “yt THE ARAUCARIA. (Reversion to an early Ancestral Type.) 1A - yea ” TREE ~— partner, here with Grigson, ‘‘I sa¥, OLD CHAPPIE, IT WOULD PUZZLE You TO CLIMB THAT In company I would Welcome bruises more alarm - ing. I would dance till all was blue, Pretty partner, if with you. AT THE WESTMINSTER PLAY Piaupirs ! Bravo! Brave! con ak ee et Punnus are be came) in the W i ; pla: , when Darus takes Mysis ‘the New Woman,” for his wife, and exclaims :— “0 Mysis, Mysis, tu moa Missis Surely if the punboting Criticus Sagitarius (Mundi) were present he must have out of ’ 1 oO Diep Decemser 8, 1894. WwW i the spell ich lured 1 To loiter, like eee, On that strange Robert Louis Stebenson. Born November 13, 1850. stream, Through thine enchanted world of dream. We mused, with much t smi Before the poet-Prospero’s wand Had wrought th lis he chose. Without him wth. we “cohen to eull The world looks Stygian now, and dull. Teller of Tales, those southern folk Their Tusitala hailed. Samoan hearts may mourn the stroke. Saye in fond fancy, that high peak ve in ? t Where he is tom who, h flesh-weak irit never fai More his stalwart fathers,— we Send half our hearts across the sea. The Hghthensy- builder raised no light of eS dad, =e us in its mellow sed Vasssen tie to tome, And Pala’s peak shall do yet more Than the great light at Skerryvore To magnify his name, Who mourned, when stricken flesh would tire, That he was weaker than his sire. Teller of Tales! Of tales so told wi , style Yet with that tricksy — Of Puck-like mockery which betrays Not blindl | pcr / wooes , yet sadly knows That Life’s sole is not the Rose. aay em og So, Sots Saee e Ivo , Eon The ales, pt; Eblis obscure, Elysium dim, Higgepy! eno cheno wong , | it was yours, s0 and end Mn ail er: er ae

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ADDING INSULT °TO INJURY. Cyclist (to Fou-hwnter, thrown out). ‘‘O1 say, Squorrne, "AVE YOU sEEN THE 'OUNDSs!?” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. * A Baron ress junior sends word from the children’s quarters that | Your Fortune and Character is an amusing game, told WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, but published by Jonw Jaqugs & Co.—evidently not a descendant of the ‘‘ melancholy Jaqoxs,” for he would have “ rail’d on Lady Fortune in good terms”’ had the e been at his expense. t Massa Brackie & Son send in a story by G. A. Henry, always so Hentytaining, entitled When London Burned. We all ken that when Rome burned Nero fiddled, but this hero—not an ’ero—had es I opportunity of extinguishing—my Baronite means “ distin- guishing himself ;” and our pome W availed himself, after many other wondrous episodes, to rush with warm enthusiasm to throw | cold water on this enlightenment of London. Needless to remark, | he came scatheless through the fire! _ From Snowdon to the Sea, by Marts Treveryay, shows us Wales in the days of Merlin and mythical superstitions, likewise of queer | doings on the part of bold, hed Dagadeinaee in whom we seem to trace | something of the origin of the modern Welsher. A perfect black and white sehool romance is continued in My Lost Manuscript, by Macere Symineton (WeLLs, GARDNER AND Dak- ton). Evidently this youthful writer had not read the wise counsels conveyed in a manual On the Art of Writing Fiction (brought out by same publishers), or so much ink would not have been was’ ** After perusing this cheery little book, the much encouraged aspirant,” uoth oar Baronitess with a sigh, * for literary fame, will oly ay down the pen and write no more.” Good news for the clitors. Miss Brappon, in her delightful story Christmas Hirelings (Suap- kins, Marsaatt & Co.), hits u a novel suggestion for folks who don’t know how to kee: festive season as it should be kept. Away flies boredom! How? I will not reveal the secret, but if any nicely suppressed little children possess an average Serooge-like | relative, take my advice, and t him with this book. The! result will be more than even a child's dream can anticipate. Rather | wder in jam to boys will be The Battle of Frogs and Mice, by | ane Bartow (Meruven), who is evidently a distant connection of | | ; ing, how pleasant is real good nonsense! And even the fairy story | eannot be crushed » Ae juggernaut modern science, than which the | attractive to youthful brains. Both books issued by Diesy, Lone, | edition of the wonderful Gulliver's Travels, with over a hundred the immortal Mr. Barlow, with so much kind thought for youthful learning. It may be Greek to many who have but a dim, far-off pepe of the first great burlesque writer: but this his book will bring it all Homer again to us. Quite a relief to turn to our dear Nonsense Songs and Stories, by Epwarp Leak (FREDERICK Warne & Co.) Vague yellow undulating pessimism notwithstand- imaginative impossible, as in Thought Fatries, by Heven WArTExs, and in the Seren Imps, by Karuieen Wats, is so much more & Co., and wise of them to do so. MacMILLANs issue a splendid new illustrations by Cuazntes E. Brock, which ought to make the book go off like Brocx’s fireworks. Its very warm cover suggests a season- able book, A Righte Merrie Christmasse, by Joun Asuton (Leaden- hall Press), who, fancying that some of its customs and privileges might be forgotten, collects all that has been done or could be done at this annual event. Some of ye anciente goinges on make one wonder whether feasts were better kept when they spelt with such unreasonable euphony. It must have been *‘ merrie in halle” when the wassail song was ordinarily sung as depicted by A. C. BrnkenD in his exquisite copper etching. London Society is peculiarly bright and cheerful this Yuletide, and keeps up its excellent reputation. A good medley is London jety. And here is a very bright little Woman this Christmas- tide. Quite a festive we with her capital stories and supplement of “* Types of the World’s Women.” Just ‘‘ Woman, lovely ome all ag = hay mate, Pagar peing ore von, ee an average i er, one feels grateful for ng e British up—no offence to the other ladies, to whom we take off our hat, and, w including the rest, saluteadvancing Woman. ‘* And it is this New Woman, not the New Woman of the period, whom,” quoth the Baron, ‘* I salute with pleasure,” and to whom he wishes a happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year, and signs himself Tue Gewiat Baron pE Boox-Worms.

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Decemssr 29, 1894.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

READING BETWEEN THE LINES. (4 Physician's Protest.) Mr. Pept a st of som and experi ence, I wi to ail attention, r tne —s aan af your valuable oan “* the injurious effects of a certain oocu- age on upon the minds of the individuals engaged therein, and ha een of taking steps, before it is too late, for The cocupation to which I refer is thet of devisi and tine tor what I understand are technically known as ‘‘head- lines” for the contents-bills of i wee more inexpensive London out ee pers—an occupation which I have no hesitation in ch sing, evidence unconsciously supplied by the sufferers themmeiven; as a highl employment. Sir, in » T. — of news- I am not ney! v -_ paper routine know w yeas entrusted with this responsi bili et By. a Goona, anata Eb ties eae ie many forms of degrading drudgery which the selfishness of man has imposed upon the weaker sex. erat tabiak ae sa for interference. And, whoever and whatever the persons performing duties ‘maybe, it is painfully obvious that they are +. =~ under conditions of mental _y the strain of which no nervous system can support for any length of of time without inevitable and complete collapse. Should there be any who consider this an overstatement on my part, I merely ask them to give a glance at some of these same contents-sheets which are nightly displayed in our chief thoroughfares. Let them mark the monstrous size of ~ the peculiar extra ce of the epithets oy = nid — upon unpleasant de they can, unhappy persons em industry are affected thereby with some pond form of hysteria. Otherwise, let me ask vou, fe. is it likely, is it credible, that seasoned jo , tough men of the world, in touch with life at path ape + ts, could, in a normal state of health, be so constant. “Startled,” Cpr ley en wd t fomet ed,’’ ‘* Appalled,” and “* gy ay oie them- selves to almost every evening reports and rumours which a little reflection would convince them were utterly unfounded, or by a too o might have 2 gngpened, fp **Oecasionally, t00, th onally ere are erence for rank, which, when when organs (where,

and commonplace, one are chiefly observable), denote a

rdinary Young Farmer (pulling wp at urgent appeal o upset the mental equilibrium of a|yov, Tim? Want aNoraer SITUATION | LIVING WITH CAPTAIN ADDLEPATE AS COACHMAN 1” mptoms of an excessive rev- Tim, ‘‘So I was, Son; BUT "TWASN’T A FAIR BARGIN, ~ ound in the more democratic | xzver ro Ger THRUNK BOTH AT WANCE, Son!” Young Farmer (amused). *‘ WELL, THAT SEEMS FAIR ENOUGH, ANYWAY.” somewhat distempered state of f intellect. the delusion apparently Tim : = a “4

VERY HARD LINES. Pedestrian), ‘‘Hit10! THAT ay, I THOVeHT YOU WERE SHURE WE WAS ** But, BecorRA, Sor, THE CaPTIN WAS THRUNK THE WHOLE being that the mere oe of any sort of title renders its | prissrp rome |” owner immaculate, ce with awestricken solemnity ‘A Peer’s Ponndiee or A Baronet Bilks his Baker,” giving these events a poster } to themselves, as others | would an earthquake, or some portent of Ley this loss of the sense of bad sign, and a well-nig’ be general overpressure. But I find a yet more unmistakable evidence in su nope of my contention in the ex inary emotional sensibility revealed by these headlines whenever some unfortunate person has been sentenced to death for the most cme murder. Thereis clearly a profound | th conviction that the j heard the evidence, the jelee who pro- nounced their verdict a guilt the the onl possible conclusion they could reasonably come to, and the Home Secretary who found oe go self unable to recommend & reprieve, were, one and all, , engaged ina cold-blooded conspirac yg Hh a perfectly innocent man € con- vict has said so hi oni aa significance. infallible indicator of nerve-strain selves by announci items as “* Blank . protests his innocence to bleak Hopeful” “Blank Depheseed,” “ Distressing ‘Scene’ on sa 0 oe le ” “ Distressing e on the Seaffoid.” ‘* Blank’s Last Words.” Consider the strain of all these alternations of hope and despair, repeated time after time, and almost invariably without even the consolation of def: the fate of their protégé by a single hour! that seems to be considered sufficient. | And so, night after nigh . authors of these headlines harrow them- | out. ion in human affairs, Sir, is a |

Is it not too much for the strongest constitution to endure? a service ~ hom society has no right to demand from any of its) members LZ Sir, whether these devetes ratte of ie = = ee ay it or | no are running a most ri e sword which hangs above their heads may fall at any moment. all adequately ? They have not; they have squandered iciples | ead adjectives tp os reckless thot thoy will dissover th ey are reduced to the condition of inarticulate bankrupts ; and, speaking asa eh man, acute cerebral congestion would be the very least | result that I should anticipate, Or the determining shock For instance, we might lose a ht come from more trivial causes. statesman, or an iron- dea, at the very moment ween a — match was decided, or when e professio A cca attached to their icular journal published his “* finals,” of the mental ict before dtauieiog the relative Rien of hen events, and awarding one or the other its proper prominence on the posters ; and then ask yourself, Sir, whether it is an ordeal that any human being < an impressionable, excitable temperament should be coped to undergo. What precise remedy should be adopted I do not profess to point Perhaps some one of the numerous leagues established to pro- tect adult citizens against themselves might take the matter up, and insist ~ these contents-bills being set up for the future in smaller type and with epithets of a more tem order. Perhaps Parlia- ment or the London County Co fA ht be asked to interfere. All that is not within my province t this I do say: unless some measures are taken soon, the heavy responsibility be upon us of having permitted a small bu t deserving class af our fellow- creatures to hurry themselves into premature mental decay by the epee: and unwholesome nature of their employment. I am, Sir, Your obedient servant, Hrrpocrates Heriesore, M.D., F.R.C.P.

Spe nthe ~—— surely not wholly an imaginary | Tue Rev. Dr. Grex, Vicar of Windsor, is now installed Canon of danger I some day some event should St. George’s Ay a Prosit! Our best wish for him is that, when pam om by of real pe aes Have they left them- he is going to give an exceedingly sermon, may this particular selves any epithet in reserve of expressing their sensations at ' Gee not pen that he is a littl

a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |Decumsan 29, 1894. | Andjwhen Christmas appears still the maids will — ‘ See! the Old Man bears the Love-berry on | h! the Mistletoe Bough ! | Oh! the Mistletoe Bough ! ! | “* Gather!” he cried, and he waved his sickle. |“*Oh! fortune changes, and fashion’s fickle ; y, | And youth grows mannish, and manhood old, | And red lips wither, warm hearts grow cold : | But whenever I come, midst the Yuletide snows, | Tis not Spring’s lily, or Summer's rose Young men and maidens demand, I trow, But x... Winter's white-berried Kissing- Oh! the Mistletoe Bough ! Oh! the Mistletoe Bough! ! | ‘* For lilies wither, and roses pale, | But the Kissing-bough keeps up the old, old tale. And dull were the world should the old tale cease | | Be it kiss of passion, or kiss of peace saa ny The meaning when lip unto lip is laid = a Vg oe Ey | Is goodwill on earth to.man, and maid. Ny; Ge At Pe ; “4 | That’s Yule’s best lesson, good friends I vow, veel 2 | Yunis | So reck ye the rede of the Mistletoe Bough !’ hs i = | | Oh! the Mistletoe Bough ! plane. | Oh! the Mistletoe Bough! ! | So oy gather around him with laugh and joke, hate Oe spreading boughs of that brave 0 , Which hath shelter for all, from the English rose To the whitest snow-bell from Canada’s snows, Or hot India’s lotus-bud dainty and sweet. But the ery of them all, as in mirth they meet Old Father Christmas, as ever, so now, Is “Hands all round ‘neath the Mistletoe Bough! ” Oh! the Mistletoe Bough ! ! Our brave, bonny Mis‘ letoe Bough! !} CURIOUS ACCIDENT TO MRS, RAMSBOTHAM, Srrotiine through Pimlico the other day Mrs. R. was attracted by evidence of a sale by auction going forward in one of the resi- dences in that desirable a. Heving half an hour to spare she thought she look in. ‘‘I was quite ised,” she writes to her son, ‘‘ when I entered the room to see a gentleman standing in a pulpit which I knew was Mr. Pipéwose, leastway, his | whiskers were not so mutton-cb: ppy ; but I | could not mistake him, though pn. him only once at tea at Mrs. Brown’s where he was very pressing with the muffins. He MIGHT HAVE BEEN SAID OTHERWISE! He (to elderly Young Lady, after a long Waltz). “‘You MuUsT HAVE BEEN A SPLENDID DANCER |” 0 » Ha! ba! The old custom’ al I trace | OH, THE MISTLETOE BOUGH'” Pi et be ec om’s pprovel (4 New Seasonable Song to an old It was ever so, since time began. Seasonable Twme. ) *tisthe way of theman. | o¢ THE mistletoe hung on the brave old oak, The sickle went clinketing stroke upon stroke ; The lads and the lasses were blithe and gay, Old Christmas held high ott toe oa, / mas he wi a joyous e . The berried branch dear unto damed aad lride; “ They are seeking to-day every new fangled fi had taken another look For its silvery berries they seemed to be j way ; ' : | but only a forward auctioneer.” The stars of that goodly companie. Some tell us that wooing has had its day. | Oh! the Mistletoe Bough ! In the the lowest, the loneliest lot, | Oh! the Mistletoe Bough ! ! The gleam of s berry makes one bright pes Taz Chine Govan observed the “ . — rs spot. mes wi .. Who wearies of kissing?” the Old Man cried. And years may fly, as they will fly, fast, canpae for money.” Decidedly China is in Let her bea New Woman, but never a bride! But one good old custom at least shall last; | straits, and willsoon be apparently quite at sea.

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——— $$$ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemszr 29, 1894. j fi f Lr } Hf 4 / I, , 7 i Y 4 f iN el (ie N\\\ yj \ \\ WY if t \ j / JAW weve WS": Ss .oav tt et — at tt My Ws ee 4 De = “ Ly a an eee St ee / — “OH, THE MISTLETOE BOUGH!” Farner Curistmas, “‘HA! HA! WITH ALL THEIR NEW-FANGLED NOTIONS, HERE’S ONE OLD CUSTOM ALL AGREE IN KEEPING UP!”

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Dscemszr 29, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 309 TO MELENDA. (A Repentance in Triolets.) I swore to you, dear, there was mistletoe there, Though I knew all the time there was none. As I stole a sweet kiss from you out on the stair I swore to you, dear, there was mistletoe there. I have plenty of sins on my soul, dear, to bear, But at least I’ve confessed now to one. I swore to you, dear, there was mistletoe there Though I knew all the time there was none. “— Iam sorry. I never will do it again, And am I fully forgiven ? In the future from falsehood I mean to refrain. lam sorry. I never will do it again, But look at yourself in your glass to explain Why to mistletoe tale I was driven. Iam sorry. I never will do it again, And please am I fully forgiven ? There’s an answer you ’ll send if you’re thoroughly kind, That will make me feel free from all blame. I hope you ’ll be glad, dear MeLEenDa, to find There ’s an answer you’ll send if you’re thoroughly kind. It’s this, ‘‘ Though the mistletoe was but a blind, Still with none I’d have done just the same.” There’s the answer you'll send if you ’re thoroughly kind That will make me feel free from all blame. Tue Banron’s P.8.—The Border Waverley, brought out by Nimo, and edited by Anprew Lane, is now concluded, and a fine set of volumes it makes. No collection of sas a — for anyone with a regard to a future of literary oymen Nos omnesne laudamus Nimmo “Ha! ha! I don’t uoth the Baron ; though. ’m a guest,” to:a Westminster Play lor‘ nothing he added sotto voce, ** Yes 1 do h, as FIRST IMPRESSIONS. Genoa in November. It is summer time. Put on thin suit, drink by open window, and stroll out into beautiful sunshine. I in the en of shade, without my ay café au lait i , Ae enoa, ing in the a restaurant, opens the old palaces. Sit in the hat. Think of the poor in London. Wonder if anyone is having a frugal lunch at the funny little open-air restaurant in Hyde Park. Lemonade and a bath bunin a fog. Should imagine not. ing Italian. are sw many Germans that one might as well be in Germany. Sitting out on the Piazza, one hears incessantly their monotonous, guttural chatter, always in the same tone of voice, without inflecti without emotion, and, worst of all, without end. Watched at the hotel table d’ héte a Ger- man lady sitting between two German gentlemen. One man talked loudly with- out ceasing, mouth full or mouth empty, from soup to dessert. e oO man rather older and feebler, also talk without ceasing, but he could not equal the other's noise; he only added to it. As fur the lady, her lips moved all the time ; one could imagine the ja wohl, the ach, so? the ja, ja, ja, bat one could not hear a word. At Florence, at Milan, on the Lakes it is the same. If by chance one hears a Frenchman speak, his charming language sounds more vivacious and melodious than ever before. So it is good to be in Genoa, w! even the best hotel is kept by Italians. Apparently every other good hotel in Italy is kept err Scumipt, or Herr Weezer, or Herr SomerHincoroTuenr, and the servants are also. There is one hotel in Genoa kept by a German. It faces the harbour. All night long there are whistles, screams, mr rumblings, same roars, and other sounds from trains, ships, and tramways, All day long there is the same noise, only more of it. But the Germans do not mind ; they talk just the same, and they make each other hear through it all. Charming place, Genoa, with a town that is the gayest imaginable. Marble staircases, vestibules adorned with palms beautifal little gardens, at all sorts of levels, outside the windows of the various offices, Ev here flowers. If the town rates in Genoa are paid at the Tewn the paying of them must be almost pleasant. One would go with that horrible demand note, if that is used also in Italy, and fancy that one was arriving at a . The palm-decorated entrance looks just like it. It only needs a lady rate collector, such as one hears of in England, and one surely, in whatever manner the Italians a say it, would beg the charming signora to give one the honour pleasure of a dance, and scribble her name on the programme—I mean the demand note. And no doubt, the Italian officials being leisurely and the space being ample, one could find time for a waltz in the intervals of rate paying, or at least sit it out in one of the delightful little gardens of this ideal Palazzo Municipale, And so farewell to sunny Genoa, and off to Turin. German hotel again, German ater German servants. Soli German visitor drinking his morning coffee. The hotels of Turin are nut crowded; he and I are alone. What will the r mando? He must talk his awful language to someone, He shan't talk it to me, for | will pretend I do not unde even one word. The waiter has left the room. Must the poor man be silent’ Thunderweather, ah no! Happilywise he is saved. The considerate proprietor, thoughtful of his countryman’s needs, enters; he stands by the visitor’s table, and the tal Ly When it ends I cannot say, for I leave them, well started in good voice, and hear, as I think, their sweetly mlodivus for the last time in Italy. The train carries me away. ere is not much more of Italy now, for here is the Mont Cenis tunnel. Farewell, beautiful country, beauti- ful pictures, beautiful language ! is someone leaning vut of the next carriage window. No doubt he is also saddened ; he is speaking to others inside, his vuice is cheerful, he is evidently trying not to give way to despair. Now I hear what he says, ‘La werde ich ein Gias Bier trinken, ja, ja, ja!” A Fras Impressionist. Wantep! a Perfect Cure for the incompatibility of Judges’ Et respondit Echo: “ Immo.” sentences.

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‘SESSVID TIV Ad GHAOCNE HOOK SVM GNV ‘LNWTIEOXE SVM ONILVNS ZHL UVAA AHL AO NOILWOd RIGVANGISNOO V enTuaAGg ‘Sd33d OINOLSIH3SYd [Decumamr 29, 1894. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 310

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Dacemsse 29, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——— MUL , 809 fom 58 te to in the Air, 83 ootateps, ‘ool’s Vade Mecum (Th “ For Example |” 162 1 Friend in Need (A), 30 the —— Festival, 186 Sans-Géne, Gay Widow Courted (A), 221 General Literary Review Company (Li- Generosity under Difficulties, 291 Gilbert and Carr-icature, 240 ords, “Grand National ” T. G ‘ood, Haxwe.wia's Answer, 179 Hardy Annual at Henley, 15 Hawarden Pastoral 6 A Haymarket Heroine (ths). 241 Herrick on Rational Dress, 147 If not, why not? 169 “T'm getting a we aay 171 195 nfant Phenomenon (The), 291 Memoriam, 102; Comte de Paris, 126 iter, 232 Join Wal bad | «J, | Latest Parliamentary Betting, 25 Latest War oe ens 276 ew Fashion | Law of the (Social eee ne, tit _ New Heroine | Lay of the ) | New Lay of the Vigilant (The), 204 New Lamps for Old, 187 Lessons in ter, 174 New Man (The), 167 | Letters from a Débutante, 168, 180, 198 New Nectar Letters to a Débutante, 229 New Lex Talionis, 141 New Party Light in Darkness, 162 News from Lines by a Lazy Body, 120 MN ), | Lines in Pleasant Places, 21, 49, 74, 131, No’ 158 _ Noblesse ae! Lines to a Lady, 258 | * Nobod: Links (The), 218 Nomine tam, Literary Intelligence, 121 Nominis Umbra, 268 Little Ah Sid, 188 Notices (The), 243 Little Flirtation (A), 147 Not Master of himself tt of a Police “ Report d’Arthur,” | Little Meller (4 69 Novelist's Vade Mecum « Laving Plotarea 107 OD, 0 tLimited) (The | “ Living Pictares,” . . | Local Colour, 210 Ode for A | London Bicyclists, 49 Ode on a | Lord Ormont'’s Mate and Matey’s Aminta, Ode on Sacrifice, 49 87, 57, 61 | Ode to Ixion, 62 Lord Rosebery in the North, 159 Of Vain Colours, 288 Lost in London, 285 | Mistletoe ** Lost Rings,” 149 | * Oh, Love's Labour Not Lost, 279 | “Old | Lowered | 71 Old Three-Vol., 68 | Muddy Mi.an, 171 La Femme de Claude, 42 New and Old, 241 85, 48, 59, Latest Great Yacht-Race, 29 Ni sent Deststion tae” 142 Lower Education of Women (The), 11 _| Otiver Wendell Holmes, 191 Lannon Twang (The), 159 | | “ Lying Low,” 294 Lyre and Lancet, 4, 16, 28, 40, 52, 76, | 2, 64, ss, 100, 112, 124, 186, 148, 160, 172, 184, | On the War in the East, 183 196, 208, 220, 289, | Makino of a Man (The), 298 ’ , Operatic N. 17 -— Origin of the Blush-Rose, 906 | Making the Running with the Derby Our All-round Exchangers’ Com: Winner, 169 “ Our Benighted Ancestors,” 1 “ Man in Armour” to the Multitude, 228 Our Booking-Office, March of Civilisation (The), 61 161, 173, 181, 208, Mary Jones, 285 269, 304 ** Matrimonial Obedience,” 179 Our Matron's Hiss (The), 178 Oar “ Monthl Mayen-aisy-now | 233 | Our National Mayennaise v. Mayonnaise, 708, 209 | “Out | Message from Mars (The), #1 | Oxford | Midsummer Day-Dream (A), 80 Oyster | Minx (The) 83 Pao Moan from Mitcham (A), 135 Commonwealth, Morgenlied, 145 - —s about in Worids not realised,” 92 “Mo them Down |” 66 207, Mr. Punch on Bi 288 Politieal Conference, 281 Iliards, ‘Mr. 45 Non Steen 22 | Mr. ‘0 No ’ Mrs. Prowlina 195 | Much Ado about Nothing, 279 7 ea ahd

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312 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. {[Decumpze 29, 1894. Puff and a Blow (A), 71 Pullman Oar (The), 107 Punch to the New Attorney-General, 205 ‘ Putting his Foot in it,” 78 Querr yet 88, 101, 107, Question and Answer, 135 Raweiacn tn Rain, 47 Rationa) Drees, 101 Reading between the Lines, 305 Reflections, 167 Remnants, 63 ** Rhemes,” 100 Rhyme to Rosebery, 96 Rider's Vade Mecam (The), 51 Riverside Lement (A), 25 Robert and Grinnidge, 4 Robert and Unifikashan, 281 Robert Louis Stevenson, 303 Robert on Amerrycans, 120 Robert on the Wonderful Bridge again, Kobert’s Pieter, 145 Robert's Sollem Adwise, 217 Room for a Big One |” 99 Royal Welsh Bard (The), 86 Rubenstein, 265 Kale, “ Britannia,” 38 Ronner Nuisance (The), 125 Sarprnicos on Traffic, 117 Saturday Pops, 71 School-Boara Apple-Pie (The), 219 Seott on the New Woman, 75 Sea-Pairies (The), 122 Sea-quence of Bonnets (A), 158 Seascns (The), 274 Sitting on Our Senate, 106 Sequel to the Story of Ung (A), 300 Seven Ages of Rosebery (The), 166 “Shaky |" 270 Billy Seasoning, 110 Slight Adaptation (A), 228 Slow and not quite Sure, 165 Snubbed Professional's Vade Mecum, 289 Society for the Advancement of Litera- | ture, 89 Soft Answer (A), 11 Song for the Slogger (A), 117 Song of the Impecunious Bard, 181 Song of the Leaders (The), 20! Song of the Twentieth Century (A), 22 Songs of the Streets, 5, 16 Sounding the Antitoxin, 274 Sport for Ratepayers, 49 State Ald for Matrimony, 18 St. Leger Coincidence (A), 185 Suggested Addendum (A), 126 Sunday Lecture Oase (The), 285 Taz of a Vote (The), 201 Tale of Two Telegrams (The), 97 Taik & la Mode de Londres, 261 Talk in Court, 22 Teddie tha Tiler, 192 Tempora Mutantur, 181 “ Terrible in hie Anger!” 160 Terrible Transformation (A), 145 Thanks to the “ Bystander,” 183 That Advanced Woman ! 142 Those Lancers, 808 * Three Cheers for the Emperor,” 207 Three Christmas Greet ngs, 301 Tips, 144 To a Lady, 204 Althea in Church. 145 » Althea in the Stalls, 33 o Amanda, 180 o a Philanthropist, 105 o a Pretty Unknown, 192 a Scorcher, 142 o a Burrey Hostess, 85 To a Would-be Authoress, 93 To a Would-be Despot, 215 To a Venetian Policeman, 195 To a Veteran ny #8 “To + —_" paul : ~ » Sees, Hanwellia from Earlswood, 187 fo her Mother, 120 To Lettina, 209 To Melenda, 809 To Molly, 220 To my Beef Tea, 77 To Philadelphia, 302 To Sentiment, )44 a the Oxford Oricket Captain, 17 Touc —_ Appeal (A), 234 Tree with Variegated Leaves, 277 ‘Tripping Merrily,” 148 Triumph of the School Board (A), 265 True Glory, 276 Truisms of Life (The), 287, 293 Trust to be Trusted (A), 149 Two “ General” Favourites, 208 Two Ways of Auditing, 206 Unnmesr! 174 Vacvous Time (The), 119 S333535 Vade Mecum for the Naval Mancuvr s, 37 | Vagabond Verses, 219 Venetian Flower-Seliers, 191 Varse and Choral Summing-up, 203 Verses to the Weather Maiden, 93 117, 246, 297 “ Vested Interests,” Village Blacksmith (The), 282 ~ Vive la Republiq ne!” 6 Voice from “* the per Suckles ” Volunteers Vade Mecum (The), 25 Vote of Thanks (A), 65 Voyage of Alfred (The), 118 Warriee their Turn, 18 War Ory (The), 54 Wet- Willow, er What's in a Name, indeed? 47 What we may expect soon, 27 Wheel and Whoa! 137 ow 85 Where are you going, revolting Maid? 1¢8 Where to go, #2 Whims of - 7 ha (The), 245 Whither Away’ “ Wigs on the A 1” 126 = wane ‘em up,” 198 With Kind is. 277 Words to the Wise Women, 275 Y» Gentlemen of Holland, 78 Yellow Age (The), 66 | Yellow Riding-Habit (The), 94 | Yet another Memoir of Napoleon, 18 | Young Pretender (The), 133 Yule Gretynge (A), 300 LARGE ENGRAVINGS. “ Aut 's Well!” 259 * awkward Customer ” (An), 211 Chief Mourner (The), 223 Uorean Cock-fight (Tee), 55 Counting the Gatch, 9 Don't “ Uome unto these Yellow Sands”! 115 " Evicted Tenants,” 48 “ Por Example!" "3 ** Friend in Need———” (A), 31 the Giant-killer, )51 ittle too Previous |" (A), 108 Low,” 25 owing them Down |" (7 “ Nobody Looking |" 247 * Oh, the Mistletoe ht” ** Old Offender” (An), “ Putting his Foot in it,” 79 “ Shaky !” 271 Touching Appeal (A), 235 Unrest ! 155 ** Vested Interests,” 187 * Vive la Republique |" 7 Waiting their Turn, 19 “* Wigs on the Green,” 127 “ Winding ‘em up!" 199 Young Pretender (The), 189 SMALL ENGRAVINGS. “L BU7 Apuirat and his Beard, 275 Ambiguons Invitation to the Major 251 Andrew dividing the Urange, 4y Animals’ Stroll) in the Zoo, bi ‘Arry and Grass Seeds at Bisley, 20 ‘Arry and Li Hung © hang’s Feather, 180 "Arry and the “ Brighton A's,” 231 *Arry introducing ‘Arriet to Bill, 198 ‘Arry on the Lords and the Ladies, 261 ‘Arry photographed on Horseback, 75 Art Oritic and Uhild's Sketch, 6 Baby and Grandpapa’s Microseope, 234 Bad Dancer's Opinion of Girls, 22 Bishop and ~~ =‘ Clergyman, 2:5 Boy's Mamma who Snores, 126 Boy who Lost all his Buttons, 286 British Farmer and Ceres, 184 British Farmer's Luck turning, 26 Broken Venus of Milo, 11 Brown's “ pretty Fiat,” 232 Bullet-proof Coat for Pet Dog, 41 Caddie's Idea of Excitement (A), 59 Change of Name at Marriage, 107 Chick-a-leary Cochin, 201 Child Patient and Hospital Nurse, 102 Civilisation and War in the East, 62 Climbing the Arsucaria, 303 a Clab, 167 Coachman well known at West End, 42 | Colonel’ s Nephew's Man-Servant, 155 Contrasted Couples at Sea-side, 114 Country Lady and Major Visitor, 198 Cow Stamp on the Butter, 74 | Cromwell and the Statues, 98 Curate at an Otter-hunt, 89 | Curate sings *‘ The Brigand’s Revenge, | Cyclist —— Fox-hunter, 304 Dancing Ostrich (The), 165 Discussing a Beastly Book, 227 Engagement Ring weights the Boat, 58 "283 | Epicure to his Love (An), 151 Eton Boy and the Floods, 253 Fat Diner's Hungry Acquaintance, 297 Fisherman's Empty Flask, 78 Fond Wife and the Stupid Paper, +2 Forgetting whom he took into Dinner, 210 French Lady and Our Artist's Wife, 30 German Emperor's Song (The), 178 Giving Hunting Mare her Head, 207 Gladstone and the Microscope, 254 Gladstone and the “ Twelfth,” 61 Gladstonius sings to Roseberius, 230 Golfers playing Spillikins, 27 Grandma's Friend of Forty Years ago. 150 Gutter Children and Cheap Gloves, 121 Hair-dressing Room in the Commons, 202 Harcourt as ‘‘Old Kaspar,” 2 Harcourt’s Bille personally condacted, 50 Hippopotamus Policeman, 141 Hodge and the Apple of Power, 266 Housewife and Lazy Tramp, 15 Hunter's Seedy Tale (A), 171 Huntivg Party at a Deep Brook, 279 Infant's Contempt of Court, 18 Invalid and her Lady Visiter, 57 Invalided Weather-Giri, 107 | London Schoo | Major's Cheap Burgundy, 94 | Mamma and 7 | “ Constant Reader” writing to Papers, 209 | Irish Chamber of Horrors, 166 Irish Jarvey and the Seenerv. 24 77M > Lectares on the Art of War,*290 Johnny and Pills in a Pear, 65 Jones not Dining anywhere, 36 Jones's Handsome Umbrella, 87 Justin McCarthy's Anger, 158 Juveniles discussing Hats in Cheech, 188 Keeper's Dog's Force of Habit, 20 Keeper's Remark on Strong Birds. 147 Kitchen Improvements in the House, 214 Ladies “ at Home” to Visitors, 246 Lady Vocalist’s Small Chest (A), 27 Laureateship peed of Discord (The), 38 Little Ah Sid Butterfly Bee, 182 Little Boy and “‘'Maginations,” Little Girls and Fairy Tale, 5 Little Girl and Five-days’ Foal, 69 Little Girl and German Doetor, 1 to Little Girl's Matrimonial ~ Hint,” ~~ Little Girl's M to Bh London Boy and J.'s Knieherbookers 2 London Passenger and Paris Porters, 119 ri and little Friend, ‘r73 207 issie’s Age, 78 Master discharging his Coachman, 142 Maud's Country Cousin on Horseback, 21 Miss Golightly and her Partner. 153 Miss Grace at a Golf Match, 159 Miss Roland's Two Hansoms, 258 Miss Unified London's Toys, 170 Mr. G.’s Flirtation with Miss C., 146 Mr. Punch at White Lodge, 1 Mr. Simpkin's Misquotation at Dinner, 54 Mrs. Jinks on the effect of Liqueurs, 268 Mrs. Pry entering the Empire, 194 Mrs. Weaver and the New Chimes, 988 Music blending with Conversation, 18 Nervous Amateur and Stage Fright, 118 Nervous Youth and a Clever Beauty, 174 New Lord Chief Justice and Punch, 14 Newly-Upholstered Room (A), 186 “New Woman” Rabbit-Shooter, 111 Norfolk Bathers’ Scotch Friend, 156 Nothing stops a Hard-mouthed Grey, 51 Old Crossing-Sweeper’s Obstinacy, &3 Old Lady of Th needle Rtreet s Gold, &6 Orlando and Rosalind Oycling, 25 Ostentatiously Good Fences, 219 Parliamentary Flying Machine, 217 Parliamentary Swimming-Bath, 58 Pat and the Kicking Horse, 255 * Perambulators not admitted,” 181 Police making way for Perambulator, 45 Postman and Nursery- Maids, 68 Prehistoric Cricket-Match (A). ?4 Prehistoric Dragon-shooting, 262 Prehistoric Football Match (A), 190 Prehistoric Henley tta, 10 Prehistoric Highland Stalking, 154 Prehistoric Lord Mayor's Show, 226 Prehistoric Naval Manceuvres, 70 Prehistoric Seaside Resort, 180 Prehistoric Skating, 310 Professor and Atlas Omnibuses, 287 Punch and the Prince on Muscovy, 278 Punch and the Sirens, 122 Pupil Farmer thrown on his Head, 248 Putting O'Flaherty into a Novel, 298 Rat-tailed Hunter in the Rain, 195 Reduced Noblemen in Disguise, 110 Result of Sal's Re-marrying, 105 Rosebery as Bob Acres, 218 Row at the Schoolboard (The), 242 Rugby Footballer at a Dance, 270 Schoolboy and Tragedian, 128 Scoteh Landlady on Salmon-poaching, 209 Scotchman threatens to go to Law, 265 Seotch Parishioner and isky, 250 Scotch Tourists in Search of Dinner, 188 Shopping, not Buying, 245 Short 'Arry and Long Alf, 149 “‘ Shot Over” Pony (A), 237 Sea-Lion Ashore ), Tee Seven Miles from Peebles, Soolsty Crash Sey on Ch Mais Stork 2 as he 7 Sraah at pes been (The) 718 Stout Citizen and Irish Beggar, 220 Swell compliments 8 di ee 306 Swells one viour, Swell’s Opinion about Stout ‘Ladies, 162 Swell suffering from Insomnia. 208 Taking Lady's Skirt for "Bus Apron, 291 Temperance Enthusiast and Boatiuan, x74 Three Lovers, 90 Tommy and his Aunts Age, 179 Two or Three Niee Americans, 66 Two Sons passing Examinations, 289 Washing St. Pau , 206 Winning Jockey and Stable-boy, 99 Vicar's Daughter on Snoring, 294 Volunteer Sentry and Rastic, 249 Vulgar Boy and little Dog's Tail, 285 Yokel's Impression of London, 106 Young Couple residing in Hill Street, 222 Young Farmer and Groom, 305 Young Lady's Ball Presents, o LoNDOs >; BRADBURY. aowew, & ©0., LIMITED, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS

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PUNCH, OB THE LONDON OHABIVARL—Dpomesge 29, 1894.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemszrn 29, 1894 ZAR nen ——e THE BAT S—His Turn Next! From the Original Painting in the possession of the Proprietors of PEARS’ SOAP. i rimted by William stuart Smith, of No. Holloway, in at r im the County of Middlesex, at the Prin Offices of Mesers. L by bi Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of Le

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