Punch 1894-11-03: Vol 107 Iss 2782

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4 Finely Printed Edition—strictly limited to -99 Copies—in Two Handsome Royal Quarto Volumes. Price 21s. each (nett). The First Volume will be ready on November 20th, and he Second on December 1th, [™snwny, sauaw,& co. Lo, SIR JOHN TENNIEL’S Cartoons from ‘Punch’ 1871— 1891.

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Caside Hote! mn the orld dats fi better | had it been in one, The first volume is charming, with its| chat about Leien’s studio and the men met there; of CHARLES | at Arrnur Lewis’s; and of days with Frep WALKER. | the flood of memory runs dry, and there still remains a second | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 PUNCH TO THE NEW ATTORNEY-GENERAL, Law is not Pan; but “* Bon” ’s a man, De “*Manco’s” reply conclusively proved his possession of a Christian irit. Srvce Samvet Warren wrote his Diary of a Late’ Physician,— To make us sure indeed. to which, as the Baron supposes, allu- Themis will play airs bright and gay, sion is made in p. 200 of this book, Armed with thie ** vocal RErp” ! where the narrator says, “ Thus it j ‘Now I’m furnished,’”’ hummed the Baron. ‘ *‘ Now I’m fur- |] nished’—with several books for my journey, and——” ‘* Tickets, | ‘ Apple Blossoms in Brittany” ; (curtains, or under table, who out when you are deep in the story, and ** give you fits,” happens that the ablest chronicler of their (r.e. medical men’s) experiences in our literature was a lawyer,”’—no more interesting, and occasionally sensa- tional, stories have appeared than those written by Mr. Conan Doyzx, and pub- lished by Meruvew & Co, in a single volume, under the title of Round the Red Lamp, One of these, A Strag- gler of 15, has been recently developed into a one act dramatic sketch for Mr. Invine, who, in the part of the ancient veteran “lagging superfluous,” i achieved a remarkable success. as perfect in style as it is original in to take something strong before going to bed, the Baron can conti- dently recommend The Case of Lady Sannoz ; while for those of the inferior sex whom Providence has ble ‘ prescribes to be taken, the last thing at night, with a favourite pipe and a tumbler of the reader’s special “ wanity,” the story of Lot No, 249; “lights full up,” as the stage directions say, the door locked, and the room poner searched, in order to quite sure that no practical oker is in hiding behind sereen, night think it humorous to pop In the Yellow Book, No. 3, et me praise Mr. Dowson's please,” broke in the inspector. ‘Just when I was comfortable,” |a charming unfinished picture. , rowled the Baron; “‘ but no matter. And now for the Pen and| You must guess what the fruit *encil Sketches,” may possibly be from the blossom. Also very good is Henry The father of Mr. Stacy Marks predestined him for the coach-| H\xrswp’s “ When I am a King.” building business. Providence, interposing, made him a painter, an the gaiety of nations has been increased by the possession of some storks. In Pen and Pencil Sketches (Cuatro and Winpvs) he has given the world some reminiscences of a career justly crowned by the laurels of the Royal Academy. The work is in two volumes, and my Baronite says would have been more than twice as good AIRS RESUM V.—Liaira Linrrera. (After Ressetti.) Keene and the delightful cruise off Gravesend in the William and Mary; of merry days with the St. John’s Wood clique; of 7 hen volume to be produced, Mr. Marks grows desperate, and shovels in | anything he finds handy in the pigeon-holes of his desk. Thus the pleased reader finds reprinted articles that appeared in the Spectator thirty years ago, when Mr. Marks was art eritic to that respectable | journal, Also there is a description of Bampton, which once thrilled the readers of the Zirerton Gazette. This gives to the second volume something of the smell cf an apple store-room. But the first is good enough to atone for the burden of the second. By a happy coincidence, whilst Mr. Do Maurier in Trilby has made all the world in love with Little Billee, he appears under his | own name in many of Mr. Marxs’ pages, and is always the same | charming, simple-minded, sensitive man of genius. It is pleasant to | read how our Mr. Acyew—“ W1z- | Liam” the wise call him—gave the| young painter his first substantial | ae. walgebed ainted a pistare e€ — ing,’ a you r gatherin udanaedtinagnel. TH ing to the advice of his friends, he put on ita price the amount of which abashed him. ur AGNEW saw = yicture, recogni its merit, an came a cheque for the full amount SS asked. When the young artist heard “ Little Billee.”” of his good fortune he burst into , : tears, and gasping out ‘‘I must go | and tell my mother,” rushed from the place. the original sketches with which the volumes are enriched are some pen-and-ink drawings by Frep Watxer, which reveal in a new light the painter of ‘ The Almshouse.” Amongst many good stories, Mr. Marxs tells how he | he was a Jew, invited him to look in at his church and be conve is For pathos, A Physiologist’s Wife is “ A Late Physician.” to have design ; ot those who want with nerves, the Baron * Reading Lot No. 249,” Baron pe Boox-Woxms. PTIVE. Unper a canopy dark-hued as—well, Consult the Bilious Book, page 51 Lies pallid W niskeRsLey's resentment, done By WHISKERSLEY'sS own weird unearthly spell. His is that Lady known as J RZEBEL Or Litrru, Eden’s woman- scorpion, Lrerrera, that is, that takes the bun, Bonora, Vivien, Cussed Damoeel. Hers are the bulging lips that fairly break The pumpkin’s heart ; and hers the eyes that shame The wanton ape that culls the cocoa-nuts. Even such the yellow-bellied toads that slake Nocturnally their amorous- ardent e In the wan waste of weary water-butts, An EcccErsmasticaL Hisersian-lt Lord Hatrrax writes to the C sERIAN Meppie ayy Moppre. ardinal jt hein bichon ta Bp to test against the appointment of an Anglo-Iberian bishop to Spain prude by the Archbishop of Dustix & Co.; and his English Eminence Cardinal Vavenan writes to Spanish Eminence to protest agoinst a ‘ ras sevi i t\ the protest of Lord Hatrrax. Of which the sum is that rit addoueed by 0 Gusyvers, she, MENS Se nn be) partion to the case are evidently, for the time being, Protestants! VOL. CVII. T

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206 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ————— [Novemper 3, 1894, | ORICIN OF THE BLUSH- ROSE. I asxkep the Queen of Flowers Why the blush-rose blushed so red, Through the sun - rays and the showers, And so bowed its modest head. And fair Flora whispered ** Hush ! It would hurt the rose to hear! The beginning of that blash Was not love, or shame, or fear. All the pretty faéry fancies [song, That you find in poet's And encounter in ro- mances, Are entirely false and wrong. That flush so fair and fleeting Means not passion, ride or pity ; But Pot memories of the meeting Of a Vigilance Com- mittee!” Mes. Cuant-I-creaRr rue Music Hatts.—So the verdict of the L. C. C. was against the Empire. This, of course, does not prove that the Members f the Council are amen- able to Chantage. Onthis oecasion Mrs. Caant made “ADVICE them sing to hertune. But the tune will not be popu- ————— | A HOPELESS QUEST. | My mind a perfect blank | I’ve made, Upon a dise I’ve fixed | my eyes. I hoped, by mesmerism's | aid, To probe stupendous mysteries. Hour after hour in soli- | tud e I thus have spent, but, | to be — aa There was nomagictrance ensued My mind remained a perfect blank. To séances if I ir, | **A hostile inffecnse” _ they detect. Thespirits, of my presence Their customary rites | ae A few faint raps, and they have flown, With all their perfumes, trance frown— I am not blest with | occalt powers ! | Perrect.—The Daily | Telegraph, in a short | notice of a present made to a Mr. Oster for assist- ing the police, mentions the unavoidable absence | on this interesting occa- sion of **Chief Inspector | GRATIS.” Bettor,”—which is a| good name r suggestive of | Betsy Trotwood (Mrs. London City) to Mr. Dick (Mr. H-w-s). ‘‘Now were you see | staff attached to “belt | Si Cartsroraer Wren’s CHILD, AND THE QUESTION I PUT TO You 18, WHAT SHALL | on,”—and of “Mr. Saper- lar. I po wire arma? Come, I WANT SOME VERY souND Apvice.” intendent FeErRetTT”’— ACrvrt Poer.—Father THE CONTEMPLATION OF OLD St, PAavi’s SEEMED TO IN+PIRE HIM WITH A SUDDEN |than which no better Time is the offender when IDEA, AND HE REPLIED BRISKLY, ‘“‘I sHOULD WASH HIM!” name was ever found, out | he begins to write lines on “Mr. H-w-s,” sarp Mrs. Lowpow Crry, “sers us ALL RIGHT, WE'LL FiLt THE | of a burlesque novel, for | a clever detective. your face. F(RE-ENGINE WITH SOAP-AND-WATER | ""—‘' David Copperfield,” adapted. TWO WAYS OF AUDITING. 1.—Tue Ovv Wary. Scenz.—A Chamber in a Civic Building. The Town Clerk and the Auditor discovered at a table covered with papers, Clerk. Then I believe that you are entirely satisfied with the accounts ? Auditor, Oh, perfectly. (After a pause.) There is one item I wanted to ask about I’ve no doubt you'll be able to explain it satisfactorily—it’s this *‘£25 for ginger-beer to the Mayor and Council on the occasion of opening the new Cem -”’ Does not— er—that sum represent a rather number of bottles ? Clerk (in an off-hand way). Well, we put down ginger-beer, you know, as it looks better, and there’s a rather strong temperance party in the borough. of course, it was really champagne—‘‘extra sec,” too, you bet! Auditor, Oh, of course. I merely mentioned the matter for the sake of form. And the ** £15 for cigars”—that was an expenditure incurred at the same time, I conelude ? Clerk (carelessly). Oh, yes. Y’see, one of the Councillors is the leading tobacconist in the place. Auditor (relieved), Ah, that accounts for it. Then these ‘* models of the Crematorium in gold and jewels, as brooches for the wives of the Councillors ’—I see they come to £105 in all. Clerk (sternly). You don’t object to the brooches, I presume ? Auditor —— " 2 at —p- in the least. A most— er—praiseworthy m of spending the ratepayers’ money. Clerk. Quite so. Our Mayor’s our leading jeweller, you know. Se, as you’ve put “‘ Examined and Approved,” shall we in to lunch * For a “‘ cold collation on the occasion of the audit” our Council always allows £10. It’ll be rather a good feed. [ Exeunt into banqueting apartment. Il.—Tue New Way. Auditor, Oh, what larks! [Subsides into a chair, and takes two minutes to recover from his fit of merriment, Clerk (surprised). I really fail to see where the joke comesin. _ Auditor, Oh, don’t you know? I’m one of the new class of comic auditors—‘‘ made in Manchester.” What tickles me is this item of £17 for gold match-boxes for lighting the cigars of the Mayor and Aldermen on the occasion of the visit to the Sewage Farm, There's ———- if you like! Clerk (emiling). I’m glad you take so humorous a view of the matter. Of course you allow that expenditure ? Auditor. Allow it! Not for worlds. Then—(with difficulty re- straining another outburst of mirth)—how about ‘* £27 for oysters and Chablis” after the visit ? Clerk. The Council naturally required some refreshment at the end of the journey—quite a quarter of a mile, in their own carriages _—and oysters were rather dear just then—a little out of season. Auditor (after a guffaw), Capital! ‘Out of season ”—out of reason, too, J should say. course I must surcharge the oysters and Chablis. Really, I’m enjoying myself immensely ! Clerk (gloomily). I hope the Council will feel equal enjoyment at your report. Do you mean seriously — Auditor. Seriously! Nota bit of it. I tell you I’m a comic charac- ter. And what better practical joke can one play than suddenly to come down on public officials with an audit disallowing all their little nal luxuries? Afraid I must strike out these items of ‘* Visits to Olympia by Corporation to inspect the lighting arrangements,” and ‘* Ditto at =~ and Alhambra Theatres.” No doubt the Aldermen will be lad to pay for them themselves. Now I think the business is finished. unch*’ No, thanks. A ing joke like this is lunch enough for me. [Crams handkerchief in mouth, and exit. |

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| Novemssr 3, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CANT vy. CANT. | Ir ‘‘ want of decency is want ot sense,” So want of sense may very likely lead To want of decency. The poor pretence Of interested vice sense will not heed. A satyr’s satire is but sorry stuff ; Anti-Cant’s canting is most sickening fudge. Belial, who backs his trade with bounce and bluff, Wins not a case where wisdom is the judge. Protests against the pryings of the prude Are not to help the profitably lewd. THE POLITE GUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE. (By an Affable Philosopher and Courteous Friend.) How to Enter tHe Civit Service. In the good old days of yore there was little trouble in obtaining admission to the Civil Service. All that was neces- sary was a slight knowledge of a Cabinet Minister, and a smat- | tering of schooling. The latter might be obtained at Eton, | Winchester, Rugby, Westminster, or Harrow. The acquaint- | ance of the Minister, of course, had to be made by your father. | You were too young to have attracted the attention of so important a personage. Suppose you had reached the mature age of eighteen, and had given up the round jackets and collars | of boyhood, and had assumed “ stick-ups” and ‘‘cutaways.” | your father would probably ask you ‘* What you intended to do | next ?” | ‘“No, my dear fellow,” would be the paternal reply to a'| suggestion about Trinity or Christ Church. “I am afraid I | can't manage either. You see, your two elder brothers went to | the University, but then we could find them family livings. It| would be useless to let you read for the Bar, use we haven’t | any of us married into a single firm of Solicitors; and in these | hard times I really can’t afford to buy you a commission.” You would notice sotto roce that when ways and means were | | being discussed, times were always hard. ‘** | suppose you could be a doctor if you pleased; but walk- ing the hospitals is not a particularly pleasant occupation. Then | | there is another opening—why not try the Civil Service ?” You would rather freshen up at this, You would have read in a comic paper, that never will be nameless, that Govern- ment clerks were like the fountains in Trafalgar Square (old style), ‘* because they played from ten to four.” “Well, yes,” you would return. ‘‘I don’t think I should - nial OF so much. It would be rather fun to go to Paris as an attac é,” ‘I’m afraid I couldn’t quite manage that, my dear boy,” your fond parent would respond. eo you would have to be satisfied with the War Office or the Admiralty instead of the Foreign Office.” “All nght, Pater,” you would say, and leave the matter in the hands of the elder generation. Then your father would write to any Cabinet Minister of his soqusintonss about things in general and nothing in particular, and would add a ** P.S.” asking for a nomination. In due course a reply would come granting the sweet boon. A test examination would follow of a perfunctory character, and an intimation of your | appointment would be the sequel. Then you would take up your | daily residence in Pall Mall or Whitehall for twenty or thirty years and then retire as a Knight ora C.B. Thus was done in the com- paratively long ago. But now-a-days another plan has to be adopted. Instead of entering the Civil Service as a junior join it as a senior. As a preliminary you must get into the House. This is simpler than having to cram and then stand the racket of a competitive examination. Any one under certain conditions can enter Parliament, but the Civil Service Commissioners bar the entrance to the Govern- | ment offices with equally certain regulations. For the sake of argument let me assume that you are in the House, You have stood for Slocum-on-the-Marsh, and have per- suaded the Slocum-on-the-Marshers to elect you. As an M.P. you are duly qualified to accept any appointment under the Crown when the Government ask you. The best plan is to think of an office and then add one to it—yourself. _' Why not the Pablic Squander Department?” you ask yourself, To which you reply with a second question, *‘ Why not?” Yes, the P. 8. D. is not half bad. But how to get into it. Well, | why not take up Milestones? All the world knows that the Public | Sq | Squander Department are responsible for all the Milestones not | under the superintendence of the county authorities. Go for the Milestones. Begin with a question. Learn that the Milestones in the Old Bath Road are in many cases illegible. Request the Secretary of ‘** They don’t pay attachés at first, and | eee ~~! A REALIST IN FICTION, ‘IT saw A RABBIT RUN THROVGH THAT Hepes!” ‘No, pear. It was Imagination!” ‘*‘Ang 'MacinaTions WHITe seuInp!” the Public Squander Pepretnent to inform you when the inscription |of such and such a Milestone was last restored? The official will | fence the query. Probably his Private Secretary, considering you a new man, will have failed to furnish the necessary information. You must expect a little retardation at the first set-off. And here let me point out for your future guidance the aepatanee of having a private secretary thoroughly up to his work. Had your answerer been «l of the proper sort of assistant you would have been discovered, respectfully button-holed, and perforce satis- fied. You would never have had the heart to put your question about the Milestones. But the particular Private Secretary of your answerer being not up to his work you get snubbed. But don’t be discouraged ; stick to your Milestones. Bombard “ the Right Hon. Gentleman o ite” with questions. Ask him for particulars about the Milestones in the Old Kent Koad and on a Plain. If he requests notice, give him notice. By degrees you will find that you are becoming an institution. Mile- stones are your ialty. When the House is sitting demand iculars. When the , ™ is up, write to the papers. Move or returns about Milestones. Go down to Slocum-on-the-Marsh and read papers on Milestones. If possible, be made a F.S.A. on the strength of your knowledge of Milestones. So identify yourself with Milestones that when your name is casually mentioned anywhere, let it be common form for some one to say, ** Of course, the chap who looks after the Milestones.” Wait patiently until your side move over from the Opposi- tion to the Government benches. Then will come your oppor- tuntity. You will have sat upon a Milestone Commission. You have been very instrumental in getting Milestones polished. You have caused Milestones to be multiplied. All these services must be recognised. And they will. : ’ You will find yourself offered the Secr ship of the Public uander Department—to take care of the Milestones. Accept it, You will now have become a Civil Servant. On some future oceasion I may suggest how you may successfully perform your duties in your new position. Derrstrion.—A London Square is the Paradise of Perambulators. yy

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208 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —_. [Novempzr 3, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XVITII.—THE LAST STRAW. Screws XXVIL. (continued).—The Chinese Drawing Room. Srvnr- RELL's ingenuous remark upon the coincidence of the title of the volume in his hand with the name of his bull-dog has produced a painful silence, whichno one has sufficient presence of mind to break for several seconds. Miss Spelwane (to herself). Not Ciarton Briar! poet! I—I could slap him ! ' , Pilliner (to himself). Poor dear Vivrex! But if people will insist on patting a strange poet, they mustn't be surprised if they ret a nasty bite! Lady Maisie (to herself). He didn’t write Andromeda! Then he hasn’t got my letter after all! And I’ve been such a brut to the poor dear man! How lucky I said nothing about it to Gmrarp! Captain Thicknesse (to himself). So he am’t the bard!... Now I see why Marsre’s been behavin’ so oddly all the evenin’; she spotted him, and didn’t like to speak out. Tried to give me a hint, though. Well, I shall stay out my leave now Lady Rhoda (to herself). 1 thought all along he seemed too good a sort for a poet! Archie (to himself ). It’s all very well ; but how about that skit he went up to write on us? He must be a poet of sorts. No herself ). Not even a Urs. Brooke- Chatteris This ie fearfully puzzling. What made him say that about ** ae | Grisoline ” ? The Bishop (to oe A crushing blow for the Countess: but not unsalu- tary. I ar distinctly conscious of feeling more kindly disposed to taat young man. Now why 4 He ponders. Lady Lullington (to herself). I thought this young man was going to read us some of his poetry ; it’s too tiresome of him to stop to tell us about his bull-dog. As if anybody cared what he called it! Lord Lullington (to himself). Uncom- monly awkward, this! If I could catch Laura's eye—but I suppose it would hardly be decent to go just yet. Lady Culverin (to herself). Can Rowr- “ta have known this? What possibl object could she have had in—— And oh, dear, how disgusted Rurert will be ! Sir Rupert (to himself), Seems a decent young chapenough! Too bad of Romesta to let him in for this. I don’t care a straw | what he is—he’s none the worse for not | being a poet. Lady Cantire (to herself). What is he maundering about? It’s utterly incon- ceivable that J should have made any mistake. It’s only too clear what the cause is— Claret ! . Spurrell (aloud, good-humouredly). Too = bad of you to try and spoof me like this ~ before everybody, Miss Sretwane! I alt don’t know whose idea it was to play me such a trick, but—— Miss Spelw. (indistinctly). Please understand that nobody here had the /east intention of playing a trick upon you! _ Spurr. Well, if you say so, of course Bat it looked rather like it, asking me to read when I’ve about as much poetry in me as—as a pot hat! Still, if I’m wanted to read alond, I shell be Indeed, indeed, Mr. SrvrRELt, we couldn't happy to oblige ady Cule, (hastily). think of troubling you under the circumstances! (Jn desperation.) Vivien, my dear, won't you sing something ? [The company echo the request with unusual eagerness. Spurr. (to himself, during Miss Spguwanr’s song). Wonder what’s put them off being read to all of a sudden. (4s his eve happens to rest on the binding of the volume on his knee.) Hullo! This cover’s pink, with silver things, not unlike cutlets, on it! Didn't Ema ask me- P By George, if it’s that’ | may get down to the Housekeeper’s Room, after all! As soon as ever this squalling sto I'll find out; I can’t go on like this! (Miss Srenwawe leares ¢ piano ; everybody plunges feverishly into conversation on the first subject —other than poetry or dogs—that presents itself, until Lord and Lady LULLINGTON set a welcome example of departure.) Better a, I think I will go to bed!” ——__s} wait till these county nobs have cleared, ees 7 ong goes the last of ’em—now for it!... (He pulls himself together, and ap- proaches his host and hostess.) Hem, Sir Kurent, your lady- ship, it’s oceurred to me that it’s just barely possible you may have got it into your heads that I was something in the way. Sir Rup. (to himself). Not this poor young chap’s fault; must let him down as easily as possible! (Aloud.) Not at all—not at all! Ha ery you we quite understand ; no necessity to say another word about it. Spurr. (to himself). Just my luck! They quite understand! No Housekeeper’s Room for me this journey! (Aloud.) Of course | knew the Countess, there, and y Marsre, were fully aware al] along—— (To Lady MAISIE, as stifled exclamations reach his ear.) You were, werent you ? Lady Maisie (hastily). Yes, yes, Mr. Srunnett. Of course! It’s all perfectly right! Spurr. (to the others). You see, I should never have thought of coming in as a visitor if it hadn’t been for the Countess; she would Aare it that it was all right, and that I needn’t be afraid I shouldn’t be welcome. Lady Culv, To be sure—any friend of my sister-in-law’s—— Lady Cant. Avsryta, I have refrained from h as long as possible; but this is really too much! You don’t suppose | should have introduced Mr. Spvukrer. here unless I had had the strongest reasons for knowing, however he may be pleased to mystify us now, that he, and nobody else, is the author of Andromeda! And I, for one, absolutely decline to be- lieve in this preposterous story of his about a bull-dog. Spurr. But your ladyship must have known! Why, you as good as asked me on the way here to put you down for a bull-pup ! Lady Cant. Never, never! A bull-pup is the last creature I should ever dream of coveting. You were obliging enough to ask me to accept a presentation copy of rses. Spurr. Was I? I don’t exactly see how I could have been, considering I never made a rhyme in my life! Sir Rup. There, there, Romesta, it was your mistake; but as we are indebted to it for the pleasure of making Mr, Spvr- RKELL’8 acquaintance-—— Lady Cant. I am not in the habit of making mistakes, Rupert. J don’t know what you and AtsrniA and Malsir may know that I am in ignorance of, but, since you seem to have been aware from the tirst that Mr. SpcrRect was not the poet | you had invited here to meet me, will you indly explain what has become of the real author ? Sir Rup, My dear Ronest1a, I don't know and I don’t care / Lady Cant, There you are wrong, Rupert, because it’s obvious that if he is not Mr. SpvrRext, his absence has to be accounted for in some way. Spurr. By Jove, I believe I can put you on the track. I shouldn’t wonder if he’s the party these dress clothes of mine belong to! | panne you may have noticed they don’t look as if they were made or me ? Lady Cant. (closing her eyes). Pray let us avoid any sartorial dis- eussions! We are waiting to hear about this person. Spurr. Well, I found I’d got on his things by mistake, and I went up as soon as I co’ dessert to my room to take ’em off, and there he was, with a waste-paper basket on his head—— Lady Cant. A waste-paper basket on his head! And pray what should he have that for Spurr. He said he wouldn’t take it off till he saw me. And | never saw anyone in such a mess with ink and flour as he was! _ Lady Cant, Ink and flour, indeed! This rigmarole gets more ridiculous every moment! You can’t seriously expect anyone here to believe it! ARCHIE discreetly retires to the smoking-room. Spurr. Well, I er think some must have fixed up a booby trap for me, you know, and he to go in first get the benefit of it. And he was riled, very naturally, thinking J’d done it, bat after we’d had a little talk together, he calmed down and said I might keep his clothes, which I thought uncommonly good-

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| Novemagr 3, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. natured of him, you know. By the way, he gave mehiseard. Here } it is, if your ladyship would like to see it. | He hands it to Lady Cutverty. Lady Culr. ** Mr. Unpersuett!”... Romesta, that is Clanton Biarn! I knew it was something ending in “ell.” (7 SrvRRExt.) And you say Mr. UnpEeRsHELL is here—in this house ? Spurr. Not now. He’s gone by this time. The Others (in dismay). Gone! Spurr. 1s said he was leaving at once. If he’d only told me how it was, I’d have-—— Lady Cant. I don’t believe a single word of all this! If Mr. SpURRELL is not Crarron Brarr, let him explain how he came to be coming down to Wyvern this afternoon ! [Partial reaction in company. Spurr. If your ladyship doesn’t really know, you had better ask Sir Rupert; he'll tell you it’s all right. Lady Cant, Then perhaps you will be good enough to enlighten s, Rupert ? Sir Rup. (driven wnto a corner). Why, ’pon my word, I’m bound to say that I’m just as much in the dark as anybody else, if it comes to that ! Spurr, (eagerly). But you wired me to come, Sir! About a horse | of yours! I’ve been wondering ali the evening when you 'd tell m- | I could go round and have a look at him. I’m here instead of | | Mr. Sravin—now do you understand, Sir Rupert? I’m the Vet. [ Suppressed sensation. Sir Rup. (to himself). This is devilish awkward! Don’t quite know what to do. (Alond.) To—to be sure you are! Of course! | That’s it, Romesta! Mr, SpveRe i came down to see a horse, and we shall be very glad to have the benefit of his opinion b -and-by. [He claps him amicably on the ioalier. | Lady Cant. (in a sepulchral tone), Atsrnta, I think I will go to | bed. : — withdraws. | Sir Rup. (to himself). There’ll be no harm in letting him stay, eew he fe here. If Ronest, objects, she’s got nobody but herself to} | blame for it! | Spurr, (to himself). They won't want to keep me upstairs muc’) | | longer after this! (Trepweit enters, and seems to have something | f importance to communicate to Sir Rupert in private.) I wonder what thé dooce is up now /

a eee “HE'S HAPPY NOW.” (By a Profound Thinker.) ' : ; , . . (“* A Constant Reaper’s” favourite craze is now being discussed in I por’t know why, but fifty times a day, all the papers.) has you my — persistently will fly, “I AM SO GLAD THIS SUBJECT IS BEING THOROUGHLY VENTILATED. on Come to m0, GBA, CORNERS, Clip to clay Ir MUST BE DOING 80 MUCH GOOD AMONG THE YouNG,” I don’t know why. ay ae Boye yk fe MAYENNAISE rv. MAYONNAISE: A REJOINDER. [ always fail. If you are not too shy, My poor Mayonnaise, they have sullied your fame! Just write a line to tell me that I = J ey onal alter your spelling, my sweet Mayonnaise, Think fondly of you. Then in future The younger Dumas has e-mended your name Shall think of you, and never want to say And sent you forth ‘ o”’-less the rest of your days. I don’t know why.

So this man of romances—this writer of plays— a weit woven a Speen, pet = time— .w rf 7 0 orce us to spell you hencefort ayennaise, THE NEW CANDIDATE. Nay! this is a plot little short of a crime ! Deak Mr. Poncu,—I trust you will give me the hospitality of your | 'T will make not an atom of diff'rence to me. columns (and thus save me the cost of extensive adverti ) to} The younger Dumas may discourse as he will: | announce that I intend to offer myself as a candidate for all the eleven | He’s welcome, with Weller, to “ spell with a ‘ wee’”— divisions at the forthcoming School Board Election. I do this fur To me and the world you are Mayonnaise still. several reasons. In the first place, as I have no more chance in any : one place more than in any em. i feel it quite impossible to make | He says, at the time when the city Mayenne any choice. Besides, to be elected at the top of eleven polls would be Was besieged by an arm 4 and riddled with shot an unique distinction, second only to being defeated at the bottom of | Your charms were acknowledged and praised by the men. | eleven. In the next place, as I can find no other persons who will | Was that army not led by Sir Thomas de Rot? | come forward on my platform, I am bound to offer myself every- iat . where. My views are extensive, not to say peculiar. On the Say, Queen of the Sauces, which vow'l shall it be ? : religious question, I agree with everything that has been said by Will you yield up the name your admirers bestow f everybody. I hope in this way to avoid incurring odium theologicum Pronounce—while your lover y down on > E’ vo"? | of any kind. I am in favour of no one paying rates unless he has Is it that which you choose’ Is it yes? ora “ NO” | children actually at a Board School. I am told that this will not ¢,* This correspondence must now cease. — Ep. secure for me the Labour Vote, but it ought, at any rate, to rally to <a : my side all the ‘‘ intelligent and re le.” On all other points | | Pg - ry ey | believe I am well fitted to sit on the London School Board. Tunder-| “Warne 1 He?” — With diamond robberies and darksome | | stand that at its meetings oysters and Chablis are sometimes the order! murders, of which the perpetrators are still at large, we are all | of the day. If I am returned, my main object, I avow it frankly, erying out for a real genuine “Su ex.ock Hotmes,” e, Watsons, | will be to make them the standing order. Soliciting the vote of | are waiting for him to step forward and drag various dark mysteries | | every patriotic citizen, I am, into the Richt of day. Cheerfally shall the coming Hormes be | | Yours up-to-(being-a-candi-)date, saluted with Mr. Brooxrretn’s refrain, “ O Suemtock, you wonder- | | October 27, Worrot Ark. (| ful man!”

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| 210 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Noveummn 3, 1894 ——$—___ SOCIAL AGONIES. Hostess. ‘‘1 HEARD You MET «ay Covstx, Mavp Lesiiz, ar Tas Gissuns at Dinner, Mr. WILKINSON, AND THAT YOU WERE CHARMED WITH HER!” Mr. Wilkinson. ‘‘CHARMED WITH HER! I sHOULD THINK 80! Wo wouLpy’r ne! Way, I'VE ABSOLUTELY ¥FORGUITEX, WHO THe Lapy was | Took tnto DINNER, AND WHO SAT ON MY OTHER SIDE!” Lady Visitor, ‘‘1'M AFRAID IT HAPPENED TO BE Mz, Ma. WILKINSON!” |“ Swe “AN AWKWARD CUSTOMER.” LOCAL COLOUR. Arn—"' The Bold Poacher.” Mr. AsquirH was reported the other day to have said that the = ~ | Government was spoken of as having been accused of refusing so- I shouldered of my gun, my lads, and started void of fear ; — my Rag } ‘o¥— a be ae . = With my trusty lurcher at my heels, to whom the sport is dear, + sapaeele cuaper ” was © mineial tor a By - temper.” But For he’s game for tight by day or night at the season of the year! | surely this is not so. Mr. oe evidently has een in his . : esion to the new system of ‘‘ colour adjectives,’ is opens : . L fmt Be. me OB cab iy ta on great possibilities to the future. Radicals will denounce the “* scarlet For we were on our ground, my boys, grounds free to tyke or peer; | — = the pu pan Fn OB will No one = And they're my delight by day or night at the season of the year! |. °° a SS ee ae a my | what it all means, but that is part of the programme, Even if this As I and my bold comrade were in the Peers’ Preserve, | colour scheme will not work, there is still a justification for the We heard the keeper's footsteps, but we did not halt or swerve. Asquithian _Phrase. Everybody has heard of a “foul slander.’ But I whistled—to keep up my pluck—a song to sportamen dear : Why not a “ peacock temper ” f Oh it’s my delight on a shiny night, in the season of the year!” - Waew I was bound by Party ties to play the bold Premier, The Gamekeeper popped through the copse, and faced us with a A Case of Parallelism. frown ; (Extracts from the Report of a recent Conference.) He’s got a black-a-vised stern phiz, and a coat o’ velvet brown. “ , “ ‘ He says * Hillo, Sir! Puvaching?” I retorts, ‘* Oh, don’t you fear! the ee pe nn ge Pe net —% A gent may poach his own preserves at the season of the year! ”’ Heavenly Twins, The Manz- He says, “* You ought to be ashamed to set so bad example! man, and The Wages of Sin, A —— true won't join the crew who trespass, trap, and should be tabooed.” trample. Se oll nes 4-7 ight im th th »| Stem Perer.—A well-written letter in the 7imes last week puts ould not poac y Gay or night in the season o e year. whet may be called “The Hard Case of Sir Peren Escix "an, Says I, ‘* You sneer, but I'm your peer, my Sol. The people sent me! |" » he must be pretty well case- ened at the Middlesex Des- Stare like an owl, or sneer and scowl, you know you cunt poovent me! | sions by this time~ clearly and forcibly before the public. Sir Peer These here Preserves want breaking up, Monopoly’s pitch to queer § EDLIN, it seems, has been doing treble the amount of work fur a A — bird fouls its own nest!” he adds, with a sour sneer. 3 Is our delight by day or nicht. in the aeascn co rear. two-third’s salary. This should be righted, and the Judge at the ae Sr ee SR eee Middlesex Sessions should be independent of the would-be ubiquitous ‘* A-poaching on one’s own preserves scarce poaching seems at all. L.C.C. Such is the opinion of this Correspondent to the 7imes, My foot is on my native—-copse! The old Game Laws must fall. and it is doubtless the opinion of a fair and just majority. As The * Peers’ Preserves’ the people will throw open—or else clear, Joseph Surface observes in The School for Scandal, * Well, it will And you'll have to fight for your old old right at the season of the give Six Perex great satisfaction to hear this.” year. — — “* You ask me if I like the job’ That’s neither here nor there! Onty Narvrat.—A shareholder at a recent company meeting I’m simply bound to do it, and I really don’t much care. complained, with some amount of feeling, that he found it next to If Peers will claim the best o° the e, and strive the rest to queer, impossible to obtain a “* penny bun.” Can it be that so many We'll take our right, by day or aight. at the season of the year!” | people have “ taken the fe that there are none left ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemezr 3, MY hamtanny of — “AN AWKWARD CUSTOMER.” Gamexzerer S-1-sp-ry. “HALLO! YOUNG FELLOW! POACHING?” Tue “ Youre Fettow” R-s-n»-ny. “IF I AM POACHING, I’M ON MY OWN PRESERVES.”

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Novemagr 3, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 213 THE LINKS. 'T1s a brilliant autumn day, And the breeze has blown away All the clouds that lowered gray, So methinks, As I’ve half an hour to spare, | will go and take the air, While the weather still is fair, On the Links, | admire the splendid view, The delicious azure hue Of the ocean and—when, whew ! With a crack, Lo! there drops a little ball Which elects to break its fall By alighting on the small Of my back. In the distance some one cries Some remark about my eyes, None too pleasant, I surmise, From the tone ; So away my steps I turn Till a figure I discern, Who is mouching by the burn alone. He has lost a new “* Eclipse,” And a little word that slips From his sulky-looking lips ells me true That, besides the missing ball, Which is gone beyond recall, He has lost—what’s worst of all— Temper too. I conclude it will be best If I leave him unaddressed, Such a melancholy quest To pursue ; And I pass to where I sp Clouds of sand uprising high Till they all but hide the sky From the view. They proceed, I understand, From a bunker full of sand, Where a golfer, club in hand, Freely swears \s he hacks with all his might, rill his countenance is quite As vermilion us the bright Coat he wears. I observe him for a while With a highly-tickled smile, For it is the queerest style Ever seen : STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. Tas Stork AS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN. | He is very short and stout, And he knocks the ball about, But he never gets it out On the green. Still I watch him chop and hack, Till I hear a sudden crack, | And the club-head makes a track In the light There’s astartled “FORE!” | As it flies, and all is e’er!— | 1 remember nothing more Till to-night, When I find myself in bed With a lamp upon my head Like a penny loaf of bread ; And methinks, For the future I'll take care, When I want a little air, That I won't go anywhere Near the Links, ‘THE DILEMMA OF THE HEADLESS SPECTRE. I’ve always done my best to ease, Then wherefore do they scoff ' A headless ghost, in y how like these, Is very badly off. Some say, for Myers we ought to go, And some for Mr, Sreap. I really can’t profess to know, For I have lost my head, | They come and ask me for a key To life’s dark prison cell. Oh, what’s the use of asking me / | However can J tell ? I do not understand the speech | Of all these learned men, | Wildly I wave my hand at each, | Again and yet again. | I feel that I have stayed too late, | And yet I can’t move on, | I’m utterly inad | Because my h | I wish I were I don’t know what. I wish that I were dead. I don't know Hh I am or not, ost my head ! uate, is gone. INS AND OUTS, “Cricket was a far superior game to golf or tennis,” said Lord Knutsrorp to the mem- bers of the Victoria Park Cricket Association ; and he went on to tell a story of the first introduction of cricket to Tonga, one of the Pacific Islands. Everybody took up the game so heartily that State affairs were allowed to slide altogether, and at last the King of Towoa bad to lay down rules as to the times when the _— might beindulgedin, ‘* Even then the Prime Minister was with difficulty pre- vented from bowling during forbidden hours.”’ For Tonga read Westminster—where a good deal of tongue—ah —— on—and we geta result something like this :— “After the usual luncheon interval, the | Leader of the Opposition and the ex-Umpi | General = A — of the First - missioner of Stumps e Scorin ape The oa yoy inflicted by the former on the bowling led to a Cabinet crisis, ending in the Secretary of State resigning his office and the leather to the Lord High Wicket-keep. The result of this change was soon t, for the Leader of the Opposition was bowled by a quotation from Hansard, and bis place was taken bya the Opposition ** As the score decided to apply the Closure to the game, an effort which was resi by the whole force | of the O ition, armed with and wickets, During the all-night innings which ensued the Prime Minister retired hurt, and the Ministry were finally driven into the Pavi- lion, where they expressed a decided intention, in consequence of the underhand bowling of their opponents, of at once appealing to the country. The mittee of Lords’ has placed its veto on these disorderly peoqsongs, and ‘Down with the Lords’ is likely to the Ministerial rallying-cry during the forth- coming Election. mr member from below gway. —— still mounted, the Ministry | A Laverary Discovery.—It has been) hitherto thought that only two ‘‘ G. O. M.’s” existed, the one, par excellence, being The | G. O. M., and the other, the Right Hon. G. 0. Morcanx. But there is a third, and he is Gr-o M(grepitu). No more at present. Trrtz ror a Temperance Tace.—Under | the Red Nose! For I have THE DAY OF SMALL THINGS. No novels now, but novelettes ; Cigars give place to ci tes. Titanic ** suns” to twinkling ‘‘ stars,” Pictures to sketches, ‘*pomes”’ to ** pars Bonnets to things like housemaids’ caps, Banquets to tit-bits, books to scraps, And three-vol novels to “ short stories.” Gibbon-like length and epic glories, Like mammoths and cave-bears, are gone, Earth brings not back the mastodon ; The microbe takes its place. They kill us Not by a giant, but bacillus, Monsters, huge dragons, Laidly Worms, We fear no more, ’tis unseen “* germs” That floor us in our life’s full pride. We want a “ Jack the Germicide,” And not the Giant Killer now. Behemoth and the big bow-wow Are gone; for aught not smart and little We do not care one jot or tittle! ”, ’ Famician Latiw Quotation (adapted for the use of Empire, Alhambra, and Music Halls gener ally),—"* Spectaculum veniunt ; cenit inepector ; out tipsy.”

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at ‘SLNENUONVUNY NAHOLIY GXAOUAKI—']] | DON CHARIVARI. N PUNCH, OR THE LO 214

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Novemeer 3, 1894.] PUNCH, THE LONDON CHARIVARILI. BEAUTIES OF BOLOGNA. Nor those, along the route prescribed To see them in a hurry, Church, palace, gallery, described By worthy Mr. Murray. Nor those detailed as well by whom But Barpexer, the German ; The choir, the nave, the font, the tomb, The pulpit for the sermon. No tourist traps which tire you out, A never-ending worry ; Most interesting things, no doubt, Described by Mr. Murray. Nor yet, O gastronomic mind— In cookery a boss, sage In recipes—you will not find, I mean Bologna sausage. Not beauties, which, perhaps, you class With your own special curry ; Not beauties, which we must not pass If led by Mr. Murray. I sing—alas, how very ill !— Those beauties of the city, The praise of whose dark eyes might fill A much more worthy ditty. 0, Ladies of Bologna, who The coldest heart might flurry, I much prefer to study you Than BaepEekrr or Murray! Those guide-book sights no longer please ; Three hours still, tre ore, I have to lounge and look at these Bellissime signore. Then slow express—South Western goes Much faster into Surrey— Will take me off to other shows Described by Mr. Murray. But still, Signore, there will be, By your sweet faces smitten, One Englishman who came to see What Barpexer has written. Let BarpeKeEr then see the lot In frantic hurry-scurry. I’ve found some beauties which are not Described by Mr. Murray. | | | CLIO AT SALCOMBE. (Funeral of James Anthony Froude.) | Scarce Clio’s self, calm-soul'd historic Muse, Praise to her fiery votary may refuse, Though lacking somewhat the wee poise | | Of clear mind unperturbed by faction’s noise | And creed’s fanatic clamour, valued most | His vivid pictures live ; his virile touch Though oft of the too little or too much Ardently heedless in his passionate flow | Of woes that wakeand thoughts that warmly | | glow), Quickens the past, and moves the patri.t| eart Of British manhood. His the stylist’s part, The partisan’s impr: ssiveness. He misses lhe highest height, clear, cloudless, morning- | issed. But long will he be dear to those who love | The picturings that charm, the words that move ; And the grave Muse may well let fall a tear, | And lay her tribute laurel on his bier. Neat ayp Appropriate.—To the Prow- | LINA Pays and their allies, the Visiting In- justices, may be addressed the ancient charge | made against certain spies, ‘* Nay, but to see | the nakedness of the land have ye come.” } pes sa het ts Put ) A SKETCH AT PADDINGTON. Tae Reverenp Moriey, WHO MAKES ONE OF A RiveR-PARTY, FANCIES HE MET A PAT THE PATRIOT, (His reflection after reading of the Boa-bolting incident at the Zoo.) Sr. Patrick had a potent fist, And was a saint right clever, . When he gave the snakes and toads a twist And bothered them for ever. But och! here’s a betther plan than Pat’s! ’T would have saved the saint much bother | Whi Had he trated the snakes like Kilkenny cats, And made them swallow each other. And even now ’twould save much row In the shplit-up Oirish Parthy, [revolt, Could McCarruy’s “ bolt” end Repmowp's Or Repmoxp swallow McCarray! Srortixc.— Arky is delighted to hear that there is a two-year-old running named ’ Ar- riet. “It’s spelt Ariette I know,” he says, ** but that’s just French cussedness.” ’ > | Guaxce or RecoGNITION FROM THE Eve OF HIS SOMEWHAT AUSTERE BIsHor, AND FEELS A | But her who heads the grave recording host. | TRIFLE UNCOMFORTABLE. TO A WOULD-BE DESPOT. **Coutp I but rule!” with emphasis you say; Then, doubtless, evil would be swept away. ye to begin, of course, is J pa air, uch practical arrangements are your care ; Oar task would be no more than to obey ! Injustice then would speedily decay, Merit, and only merit, o- vould poy means, . “4 re Roald T but rule Well, many kings have lived and reigned their ay; i a A pe re ould quite fulfil the obj your prayer; Andy have tried, and Seten”® . —But still you answer‘ Nay, — Could I but rule!” 4 Tue Rear “Son or Yorx.”—Faanx Lock- woop, Solicitor-G

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| | a6 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 3, 1894. THE ART OF NAVAL PLATITUDE. Mx. Powcn,—Dear Sir,—As an able-bodied seaman and expert on the marine serpent and other such questions of the hour, I have been very properly asked for my opinion on the late collisions in the far Kast. Lest my utterances should be misrepresented by journals un- accustomed to deal with refinements of maritime phraseology, I send you a correct report of my interview. “ What deduction,” began the reporter from the recesses of a deck-chair that had figured at Trafalgar, “do you make with regard to the future of naval warfare from the engagements of whi we have lately read such distracting ac- counts?” ’ “My leading deduction,” I re- 18 difficult before- hand to conjecture which side is go- ing to win, and impossible after- wards to discover which has actually won. History, however, and a long course of technical experience, alike convince me that, given equal courage and skill on both sides, vessels equally well equipped and armoured and of precisely similar shape, tonnage, and fighting power, victory may be expected, in many cases out of a few more, to fall to the party that is numerically the stronger of the two. You are, perhaps, with me on this point *’ ‘*T confess,” he replied, ‘‘ that you throw for me a new and lurid | light on a question always difficult for the lay mind to grapple with. But tell me of the to -™ and ite mission.” ** The deadliness,” I said, ‘‘ of this modern weapon of naval war- fare is to be fully appreciated by such alone as have been its unhappy victims. In the incredibly short space of time between the moment of impact and the decease of those who are, as an immediate result, blown to indistinguishable atoms, no reliable evidence has, in the nature of things, been taken down from the lips of the people best qualified to submit it. ‘* Disconnected fragments of speech, chiefly of a profane character, constitute the sole testimony upon which we have to base our con- clusions. But we may safely affirm that one of the most, if not the most, important detail in the manipulation of this projectile is the aim. Wrongly directed it is comparatively innocuous. In the unavoidable hurry and confusion of the moment, when the attention of the operator is diverted by the reiterated play of missiles upon his person, possibly a prey at the very time to insufferable nausea, it is almost impossible to guarantee the missile from aberration. You will pardon my technicalities ?”’ “I thank you,” he replied, “and I follow you. But in what way do you account for the success of the Japanese with these submarine weapons 7?” ** Peruse the reports,” I answered, “and draw your own deduc- tions. ‘On the morning of the 18th’ (the morrow of the battle) ‘ the Japanese flotilla of torpedo-boats returned to the Yalu and leisurely destroyed with torpedoes several stranded Chinese vessels.’ ** Here we have the best conceivable endorsement of my views. That which in the excitement of the fray they were impotent to achieve, this, with fitting leisare, unhampered by the annoyance of | hostile opposition, and with the object rigidly fixed, as in a vice, ” they effected with unqualified and unquestioned success. Dazzled by my reflections he proceeded to put a fresh conun- drum to me. ‘What say you,” he asked, “to the resources of China? I see that the Dowager Empress has sent three millions of taels to the forces,” “The tael,’’ I explained, ‘is excellent eating. I perceive no immediate reason for the evacuation of Peking as far as the supply of game is concerned. This, however, is a side issue, and not strictly nautical in its bearing. “To proceed at once, and in conclusion, to the matter of our own naval supremacy” (for I saw this inevitable question already framed om his lips), ‘* I will give you in a word the accumulated wisdom of long years of naval intuition. My motto is ‘ Ahoays win !’ *“ Onee let the enemy, however inferior, win, and for the time being you are beaten. We are—and here I rely not only on my own observation, but on the testimony of countless myriads of my species —we are an insular nation, Farther, our commerce is lar, | dependent on our merchandise, It was not till I had realised to the | full these two momentous and crucial facts that I arrived at the plied, *‘is that it | ‘conelusion which I have already imparted to you, and now venture to repeat—* Alcays win!’ You bear me out, | imagine?” — “T bear myself,” he affably replied ; thus concluding an inter- view in the course of which there had been no manner of hitch except the usual nautical one at the moment of his coming aboard ; and that was due not to the absence of braces, but to respect for my position as an Admiralty Crichton. ; There, Mr. Punch, you are welcome to make any use you will of a statement that contains practically and tactically the final word | on the future of naval warfare. Crede, dear Sir, Yours unusually EXPERTO. A NEW DEPARTURE. | Ly pursuance of a recent correspondence in the 7imes, it has been decided to safeguard the rights and legalise the s/atus of interviewees | by the formation of an influential association. Mr. Punch has been | accorded an advance proof of the prospectus. SOCIETY FOR THE PROTECTION OF HELPLESS AND DESERVING INTERVIEWEES, | (Founded Oct, 24, 1894.) CounciL. The Mrxapo (Pre- sident); Sir Josern Porter, K C B ( Vice- President) ; Barnasy Bamrton Boo, Esq., of the Bab Ballads ; Borrta Buoncater Boo, ditto, King; Mrs. Boo ; ReernaLp BUNTHORNE, isq. Fleshly Poet: The Lord Bishop of Rum- TI-Foo; Sir Epwarp Corcoran, K.C.B. Capt. R.N.; Lord Mount ARARAT; . Lord Tottotter; Poon Bin, Esq., of the Japan Society; Mdlles. Peer-Bo, Prrri Srvc, and Yomyvm, of the Savoy Theatre. Solicitors: Messrs. Koxo & Co. Jester: Mr. Jack Poryt. Jailor and Chucker-out: Mr. Witt Saapsort. Ossects oF THE SocrEeTyY. (1.) To develop the new calling of Professional Interviewee. (2.) | To provide the newspaper-reading public with amusement. (3.) To supply eminent humurists and others with enjoyable, rational, and profitable employment. (4.) And, incidentally, to encourage retiring and diffident Tedy interviewers. Rowes. 1. That all persons shall be _ ~~ for membership of the Society, with the following exceptions :—Infants in arms; Their Descendants and other Relatives within the Prohibited Degrees; Parties who are balmy on the Crumpet; H. M.’s guests at Portland, Newgate, and Broadmoor ; Janez; Persons who have written a book; Persons who haven’t; Mrs. Prowxina Pry; also all the pragmatic and pradish nonentities who have pranced in prurient print over the unsavoury "question lately discussed ad nauseam in the colamns of the D. 7 2. That if the interview be conducted by one of the male sex, the Society’s chucker-out, jester, and solicitors shall always be present. 3. That the following scale of fees, payable by the Interviewer to the Interviewee, be adopted :— £14 4 Paes .) siete ome 98 er cg eS Nobody Else . ‘ : : ; ‘ ° ‘ . we «6 Mr. We-ern-n over a recent Grievance . . ‘ . 0 6 35 Minister, of Cabinet Rank , ° ; ° ‘ | Gaiety Girl, of the Front Rank er eer Cabman, ofanvy Rank. ° , , , ‘ Mr. Axtuvr Roxnerts, on Things in General . zat, cg Se Bena Goustien : i Sar . ny ng Burglar, Pic et, or Company Promoter, with p Brces : for —~ p . ° , ‘ » 44 Pugilist, including services of Policeman and Surgeon . 5 5 0 |G. O. M., if you can get at him : ° ‘ : - 1010 0 ag a ae — ee BE, os - ° ~ | Ditto, if a Lady pretty (t are scarce) . “ 6é55 Anybody who hasn’t yet been Interviewed (these ED CE Ee me le et . 100 0 0 | 4. That the Society be immediately dissolved, in view of pending | litigation. 4 0

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