Punch 1894-09-22: Vol 107 Iss 2776

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> 3 | St SPESFReE Ee 4 - “Tt is best to discuss Punch’s Pictures in good “The Second Volume company, where as one good turn deserves another, Now Ready, so one good joke begets another, and at the end everybody is intoxicated with mirth, Mr. TPunch's Elegantly Bound, Pictures are in themselves good company.” Westminster Gasettty Price 68. ** The whole book is admirable.” —Svotsman, 1, Z { , ) S54 , ’ 2 4 o Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. he a al TRI = i ee ee SE Vee | ent PLE 4 Vhs eee i SO IED NE | PRICE THREE PENCE. yy PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. CHOCOLAT MENIER ra

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Surreuner 22, 1894,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 133 |

| something in this line, and, in the. Vicomte de Bragelonne, did not ere, Mr. Punch, you have the French Sherlock on the stage. Henri Lebrun, still beating his breast with fists, is arrested, and THANKS TO THE Be STANDER. after a painful interview with his onl daughter (whom he discovers} I am glad to see the‘ Brstanper” in the Graphic has recently to have been the mistress of Geor son of Madame Mazerolles), | uttered a startled protest against the fashion, pow somewhat over- he becomes sublime, accuses himse quite unnecessarily of the murder | done, and creme =e 8 objectionably done, of -begging for he had never committed, and is ed off to prison amid the | charitable purposes in the London streets, On the pot cian execrations of the populace, the triumph ofthe crass Yrrier, and the | of one of these merry half-sisters of charity (were not the Pec | loudly expressed ermination 0: Vidocq to bring guilty fo | Gougeters amen hw gh RS = yh -— 5 = us un, me 1s justice and save oe life of Ay innocent Lebr ime passes. | nig re, tightly ears, or the > aes | hand he carries an umbrella, while a telescope dang wd ny from his | come to a standstill. —$ 5, eon oy Ae pom, me me glow Se Ne pone the balcony, e declares his innocence. é, gourdir it was as possi Now to the rescue. convict breakfast ot Luperan’s or Veonmn’s, end uty disguised’ Marg oo alee Bon? to dine at Doran's or Josera’s in Sep- Tdeog lentes on imapaocivess dell and to heard end the head of the tember as at any other time ; that a few innocent rolls into the basket. Immediately Yorter theatres were still open ; that the Boule- staggers in. Too late, he says, he has been pe mee of Lebrun’s vards were there for the fldneur ; but I| innocence. At the last moment Lebrun looked at him with in failed to penetrate his scorn, even with which there was no trace of guilt. That last look did it, now the most idiomatic French at my com-| Yorier in a passion of repentance offers himself to help Vidoog, even mand. However, I determined that Buz- | in the most subordinate capacity, to track down the guilty, and to 2 zarp, like the weight of the elephant in| remove the stain from Lebrun’ name, I pass over the padding, the problem, must be neglected ; ead during which ido f merous dis- hotel om in the Rue ry Rivoli with e to fast san lio vat killed George ere

another madman like unto m . We) Mazerolles in a duel he has murdered Sabine, who, before dying take our café complet in we wear | rounds on him, and he is now. natin of doa beautiful French ties, et of Soulard, | stances, in the very room in wii de m) — Mazerolles, > with two vast ends floating like banners | Thither also comes everybody else. Vidoeq > eiies Roland, in the Parisian breeze—in a word, we are | discovers, through a paper belonging te to = ote te Madame Mazerolles, anu enjoying ourselves in an a 9 —— fashion—| that that Roland, her uline, one son, and that he, which I take, indeed, to be of the essence of easant holiday. | Vidoeg is the father of Roland. Inhis youth ¥edargbad od been a soldier, What care we for the echoes of the aay Union gress ; for Somewhere he had met Madame Mazerolles, “* Nous nous sommes windiest of Kerk Harpre’s blatancies ; for the mali ities of Mr. omnes entre deux batailles, entre deux rictoires,” and Roland was the CHAMBERLAIN, or the failure of Lord "RoseBeRy’ 8 at Don-| fruit of their love. Horror of horrors! What ishe todo? First he caster? Weare in Paris, and the sight of a cwirassier trotting tells Roland that he killed, not his step-mother, but his mote, = with his great black crini¢re waving behind, or of the lady bicyclists | this awful intelligence nd faints in an armchair for Teg oy en scudding by in knickerbockers, excites us more than even the latest | seconds, Recoveri ng himself, he is fain to escape. locq, his ravings of the newest woman in London. Buzzaxp be blowed! You | fatherly instincts otmegl, on sheshall, The weak ¥, crier consents, may tell him I said so. when suddenly, from behind a curtain, appears Héléne Lebrun in I want to let Mr. Conan Dorie know that there is a great open-| black. T).e murderer of her father must not escape, she declares, ing for him here. If I may judge by the latest detective drama, the | whereupon the great detective, vowing that his 7 ‘shall never be ideas of the Parisian public with regard to the acumen and general | food for the a shoots him dead with a to = in the power of a detective are still very primitive. Yet Ganortav did of the left waistcoat et. Tableau! © d’ Artagnon show himself on the occasion of a certain duel to be a| A wonderful man, is he not? Yours, asalways, A VAGRANT, ang 7% a force ? Still the hay 4 —— St ° e oh ae a Te ay-going Parisian public is easily satisfied in the of detect- a7 2 Cm Listen, if you doubt me, to a plain unvarnished account of ON THE WAR IN THE EAST.

“La —_ Limonadiere,” | ithe “Grand drame — en cin (By a Western Wonderer.) actes, huit tableauz,’ ich is now running gloomily, but wit . : pews success, at the Ambigu. ALL in the East mele dawdling and queer! Madame de Mazerolles, a wally widow, is, in the first Act 8 engagements, : battles pour rire, robbed and brutally murdered by her stepson. , Roland, a dissipated itant mon oy a ere nobody meets young man, who is incited to the commission of the crime by his Ghostly armies h — blo wicked mistress Sabine, Vidocg, the great representative of the new Terri caught ter” that a a ot we school in detection (cirea A.D, 1820), 1s away at the time, and in his W, rivers i maps co n A show ; absence the investigation falls to his rival Yvrier, who belongs to the M eer poten oe vagueness ex _ . old school. In the chamber of death Yrrier soon’ makes up his mind why © GE fees a , that the guilty person is one Henri Lebrun, a faithful tic ire ian-nigh sh, deli cae old soldier, meek given to beating his breast vith beth a and Wi eileen. x 7 ool a War” talking at large about services is country, Imms e honesty sad bie domertle virtons, Fa J wiser enters. He *- Jouxny nisi nint n u cinger. wan on covers that the assassin enter y a certain door because a co web has been disturbed, he picks up a red flower by the No one can tell—when 'tis Dragon v. anid assassin, he pours contempt on the crass stupidity of “rrier—all = » the best Sherlock Holmes style. But nothing comes of it all.

Lebrun, overwhelmed by an entire absence is tried and | he fled, with condemned to death. iis the morning Fn oy his engeation. longer ‘the “ Bystawner,” whose motto is that of Captain A we The curtain rises in the u floor of a restaurant commanding an | “Stand by,” but, as though he had heard the command to extensive view of the guillotine. The sight-seers troop in. First of | and deliver,” our ussy BrstaxpEen” became a fugitive a all comes Roland, the murderer, disguised in black as a wicked | before the face of the gid y charity girl, and thus at one" go” seved Marquis, and accompanied by the infamous Sabine, Héléne Lebrun, | his halfpence and his honour. For his reputation would have suff the rhter of the Scademeed man, also troops in to slow music in| had he impolitely rebuffed his fair unfair assailant. He did well to black. There i is a commotion at the door, and the obsequious inn- —. he did - + better to write and publicly complain, We Cy keeper backs on to the stage ushering in Milord Sir John Stilton and | this the Sterry Types a fine old Irish which, y ha his son *‘ Shames.” Sir John is dressed in an enormous green — — fave a ue influence, the abuse, w ee ay joes we | — jw pm a stri an wiped with | may aay O’ typed, r. a fashion + in Y ef . its ., ai of yellow knicker ers stockin tly stri wi —7 aun aur exist. En attendant, Mr. ea and black. On his head he wears a Ce In one | know tha the “‘ Breraxpen” is still running on, and not likely to

VOL. CvII. N +

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [September 22, 1894. ANN Te SETI YY, ARR \ A . aie YUN t= Thy B / rhs A HOPELESS CASE. Ceres, “ Tuxnz, uy Farexp, I gave orvex you a Gotpew Harvest Tas Year!” Farmer, “ Irs VERY KIND oF you, MarM ; sur "TAtN’T mvcm Goop IF I can’t Get GoLD For IT!”

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SepremBer 22, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 135 | A ST. LEGER COINCIDENCE. | Dear Ma. Poxca,—Will you afford | me a small portion of your space to put | on record once and for ever a most extra- ordinary coincidence? Last Wednesday | afternoon I was taking a country walk, | when all at once my eye was suddeniy | caught by a throstle. At the same time I accidentally looked at my watch. It} had stopped at 12.10. When I got home I mentioned both of these circumstances to my wife. ‘ Later in the evening I bought an even- | ing paper, and was amazed to find that the St. Leger had been won by Throstle the bird I had seen), which had started at 50 to 1 (the exact minute at which my watch had s )! Could the force of coincidence farther go? The Society of Psychical Research and Mr. Sreap are welcome to this incident. The only thing which troubles me at all is that | the evidence (other than my own) is a little slender. My wife is deaf, and never heard what I told her. The bird has flown. My watch is going again. I inclose my card, and am, Yours Streap-y to a degree, Oxg who Wow Noraine on THe Race. Mr. Punch on Peeler Piper. | A MOAN FROM MITCHAM | (See Indignent’s” far in “ Westminster | We once had a Common at Mitcham, Where boys would bring wickets ani pitch ’em, | That g wolf The fanatic of Establi a elub, And—aye, there’s the rub !— | The Qepewrerters sacrificed needs of the | «lie on purpose to help and enrich ‘em ! | The Common they cum eal be shutting | In the interests of driving and ** putt- ing.” | The balls fly about and hit kids in the | eye, |And frighten old fogies, and make horses shy. The public’s “wired” out while the golfers “ wire in.” They have got lots of brass, but they pay Mitte tin. They drive sheep and cattle, and boys in their teens, And nursemaids and prams off their betemng ** Greens.” Oh, Punch, can’t you pitch in, and pitch ’em, These bores, off our Common at Mit- (“I wish,” said Mr. Lanz, the North | London magistrate, “ to express my sense of the very great courage and resolution ex- | hibited by Constable Prrek in this case, under circumstances of considerable danger, and exhaustion.””— Zimes’ port, Sept, 12.) Perter Prrer prov’d his plucky pecker. As Peeler Piper prov'd his plucky pecker, Where’s there pluckier pecker | Than Peeler Preer’s proved ? ressure, ice Re- | PROBABLE ANNoUNCEMENT.—New ‘On, THEN I MUST BE | Book :—A Mischievous Medlar. By |I surrose?” | Leste Kerrn, the fruitful Author = | A Troublesome Pair. ARE. MANNERS. ‘‘CgRTAINLY Not. Be NATURAL, WHATEVER YOU ” é oan ‘hs Monopol k | Authority here at y winks, | Jam an old Mitcham-lover who Inks That the Links on our Common should be Missing Links! But Question and Answer. Ingoldaby's Question, ** Ticer Tim, come tell me true, What may a nobleman find to do?” Modern Idiot's Anewer, Squeak out the “ chestnut” (he'll will know which ! ow my Best Benaviove, A HOPELESS CASE. | A very Un-Vinorii1an Pastrorat Eciocove. InTERLOcUTORS—Ceres and a Northern Farmer, newest style. | [In several instances last week the prices for new wheat were quoted at | 16*. to 19%. per quarter in Lincolnshire and Yorkshire, and the general average for the whole country last week was actually only 27s. 7d. It is | over two hundred years since anything like so low a price has been quoted | fur wheat in England.”— Westminster Gazette.] Farmer (throwing down newspaper). Dcssut loook at the waiste! Foinefeilds? A’ dear! a’ dear! ’Tisn’t worth nowt a haacre; ’tis worse than it wur ladst year! Ceres (entering). Good evening, Farmer, my friend! I think you will own this time I have sent you a golden harvest. I never saw wheat more prime! Farmer. | And who ma’ yew bei, Marm? And what dost tha mean, Marm— vew! I weant say tha be a loiar, but tha say’st what ’s nawways true. Ceres. Why, I am the farmer's friend, the goddess of farms and fields. At my look the furrows spring, and my laugh the harvest ) ields. Furmer. Then wheer’ asta bean saw long, leaven me a-liggin’ aloan ? Friend? Thoort nowt o’ a friend, leavin’ mea to groomble and | groan. Ceres, Why, what is the matter now? You’ve a bumper harvest, men say, The wheat and the barley show fair, and likewise the oats and the hay! **T can’t afford it ; I'm far too rich!” Farmer. Thee be the goddess o’ féalds? Oh, a prutty goddess tha beist ! Seems to mea tha knaws nowt, tha beint na use, not the least. Naw soort o’ koind o’ use to sady the things that ya do! Goddess? My owd lass Bess wur a better than yew! Sartin-sewer | be if ’tis thea and thet Clerk o’ the Weather Arranges the craps and things, ye’re a pair o’ toittlers together ! Ceres, That is ungrateful, Farmer! Just glance at those sheaves! Phebus and I have done it, yet who in our love rod a Farmer, Luvv it ma bei, but I reckons tha ’st boath o’ tha mooch to larn. W hut o’ a full-sheaved feild, whut good o’ a full-choked burn, If markets beint no better, but woorse—as the chap sasys here— Than they have bean inOwd England fur well-neigh two oonderd year? Ceres. [ am not the goddess of markets! Farmer. Naw, naw! Thou ’rt a useless jade. Whut use o’ taturs, and turmuts and wheat, if tha ain't gut trade ? Whoy, your weather hallas cooms o’ the sort as we doant desire ; If we want sun ya send water, and if we want water ‘tis fire. Then they Parlyment fellers fret us a-lettin’ they furrineers in, We take no koind o’ care of ourssens, and tha furrineers win ; And if tha weather be bad, whoy we han’t naw craps at all. And if tha weather be fair, whoy the market proices fall. And tha calls thaself a goddess, end the British farmer's friend ! And we’ re goin’ from wooree to ¥ cost, and a adsk tha, wheer will it end ? Ceres (sadly). Well, I’ve sent en a golden harvest, good friend, though your grecting ’s cold. Farmer (furiously), Wheer 's the good o° a golden harvest if I canna chonge it for gold?

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136 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ssrremper 22, 1894. — LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART XIL-—DIGNITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES, Scene XXI.— The Housekeeper’s Room at Wyrern ; Mrs. Pomrner, the Housekeeper, in a black silk gown and her smartest cap, is seated in a winged arm-chair by the fire, discussing domestic rlatice with Lady CULVERIN's maid, Miss Srickter. The oe M. Rrpevos, is resting on the sofa, in languid conrerse with Mile. Currvox, Miss Sreuwawe's mad; Priuawer’s man, Lovcn, watches Srertor, Sir Rupert's ralet, with admiring envy, as he makes himself agreeable to Miss Putiuresox, who is in demi- toilette, as are all the other ladies’ maids present. Mise Stickler (in an impressive undertowe). All 1 do say, Mrs. Powrret, ma’am, is this: if that girl Lovrsa marches into the pew to-morrow. as she did /ast Sunday, before the second ay | maid and her only under-scullery — such presumptiousness should be put a stop to in future! Mrs. Pomfret (wheezily). Depend upon it, my dear, it’s her ignorance; but I shall most certainly speak about it. Girls must be taught that ranks was made to be re- spected, and the precedency into that pew has come down from time immemoriable, and is not to be set aside by such as her while J ’m ‘ouse- keeper here. Mile. Chiffon (in French, to M. Rrpgvos). You have the air fatigued, my poor friend' Oh, there but fatigued ! M. Ridecos. Broken, Mademoiselle, absolutely broken Bat what will you’ This night I surpass myself. I achieve a mas- terpiece a sublime pyramid of quails with a sauce that will become classic. I pay now the penalty of a veri- table crisis of nerves. It is of my temperament as artist. Wile. Chiffon. And me, my poor friend, how I have suffered from the cookery of these others who have the stomach so feeble, so fas- tidious! Figure to yourself an existence upon the vil- lainous curry, the abomin- able ‘‘Iahristue,” beloved by these barbarians, but which succeed with me not at all—oh, but not at all! Since I am her:—ah, the difference! I digest as of old—I am gay. But next week to return with Made- moiselle to the curry, my poor friend, what regrets! M. Rid. For me, dear Mademoiselle, for me the regrets—to hear no more the conversation, so spiritual, so sympathetic, of a fellow- countrywoman. For remark that here they are stupid -they com- prehend not. And the old ones they roll at me the eyes to make terror. Behold this Gorgon who approaches. She adores word of honour, this ruin ! [Miss SrickLEeR comes up to the sofa smiling in happy uncon- acronusness, Miss Stick, (graciously). 80 you've felt equal to joining us for once, Mossoo! We feel it a very ‘igh compliment, | can assure you. you might be a regular ’ermit for all we see of you! W. Rid. For invent, dear Mees, for create, ze arteeste must live ze solitaire as of rule. To-night—no! I emairge, as you see, to res-tore myself viz your smile. Miss Stick, ( flattered). Well, I’ve always said, Mossoo, and l always will say, that for polite ‘abits and pretty speeches, give me a Frenchman! M. Rid. (alarmed), For me it is too moch ’appiness, For anozzer, ah [He kisses his fingers with ineffable grace. Phillipson advancing to meet Miss Dotman, who has just entered). Why, I'd no idea I should meet you here, Saran! And how have you been getting on, dear’ Still with—— ” Miss Delman checking her with a look), Her grace? No, we ported some time ago. I’m with Lady Ruopa Coxarye at present. Tn an undertone, as she takes her aside.) You needn't say anything with any but the nobility. I’m sure you see what I mean. Of course I don’t mind your saying we ’ve met. Phill, Oh, lo und I'll say nothing. I’m obliged to be careful myself, being maid to Lady Marsre Mvtt. Miss Dolm. My dear Euma! It is nice seeing you again—such Sriends as we to be! “ Broken, Mademoiselle, absolutely broken.” |round him) the ‘Pugs’ Parlour,” as I understand you me, my | We've really been feeling quite ‘urt at the way you keep to yourself | here of your having known me at Mrs. Dickewson’s. I couldn’t afford to have it get about in the circle I’m in that I'd ever lived Phill. At her Grace’s? I’m afraid you’re thinking of somebod else. (She crosses to Mrs. Pomrretr.) Mrs. Pomrret, what’s the gentleman I travelled down with—the horse doctor ? I do hope he means to come in ; he would amuse you, Mr. Srerror, I never heard anybody go on like him ; he did make me laugh so! Mrs. Pom | really can’t say where he is, my dear. I sent up word to let him know he was welcome here whenever he pleased ; but per he’s feeling a little shy about coming down. Phill. Oh, I don’t think he suffers much from that. (As the door opens.) Ah, there he is! Mrs. Pomfr. (rising, with dignity, to receive UNDERSAELL, whe enters in obvious embarrassment). Cone in, Sir. I’m glad to see you’ve found your way down at last. Let me see I haven’t the advantage of knowing your—Mr. Unprr- SHELL, fo be sure! Well, Mr. UNDERSHELL, we ’re | very pleased to see you. I | hope you'll make yourself | quite at home. Her lady- ship gave particular direc- | tions that we was to look after you-—most particular she was! Undershell. You are very good, Ma’am. I am obliged to Lady Cuiverty for her (with a gulp) condescension But I shall not trespass more than a short time upon your hos: itality, Mrs. Pomfr. Don’t speak ef it as trespassing, Sir. | It’s not often we oes a genth man of your profes- sion as a visitor, but you are none the less weleome. Now I’d better introduce you all round, and then you | won't feel yourself a stran- | ger. Miss PHrILiipson you hare met, I know. [She introduces him to the others in turn; UspER- SHELL bows helplessly. Steptoe (with urbanity), Your fame, Sir, has pre- | ceded you. And you'll find | us a very friendly and ,« ngenial little circle on a better acquaint- | ance—if this is your first experience of this particular form of | society ” Und. (to ay he I mustn’t be stiff, I'll put them at their ease. | Aloud.) Why, I must admit, Mr. Srerrox, that I have never before | the privilege of entering the—(with an ingratiating smile all eall this very charming room. ’ (The company draw themselves up and cough in disapprobation. Stept. (very stiffly). Pardon me, Sir, you have been totally mis- | informed. Such an expression is not current here. , | Mrs. Pomfr. (more stiffly still), It is never alluded to in my presence except as the ‘Qusdbomere Room, which is the right per name for it. There may be some other term for it in the rvants’ All for anything J know to the contrary—but if you’ll excuse me for saying so, Mr. UnprrsHect, we'd prefer for it not to be repeated in our presence. : Und, (com fusedly). I—I beg ten thousand pardons. (Zo himself.) | To be pulled up like this for trying to be genial—it’s really too | humiliating ! Stept. (relaxing). Well, well, Sir; we must make some allowances for a neophyte. You'll know better another time, J daresay. Miss Puittipson here has been giving you a very favourable character as a highly agreeable rattle, Mr. Unpersnect. I hope we may be favoured with a specimen of your social talents later on. We're always grateful here for anything in that way—-such as a recitation now, or a comic song, or a yumorous imitation—anything, in short, a to promote the general harmony and festivity will be appreciated.

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Sepremper 22, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 137 |* Und. (su | Madam. i do not propose to attem: coarseness, which we;do not encourage—far Miss (Stick. acidly). Provided it is free am ey helement of it! ressing his irritation). You need be under no alarm, a performance of any kind. wi Phill. Don’t be so solemn, Mr. UnpERSHELL! be as comical as any playactor when you choose! 8100. through it, I’m afraid I am unable to gratify you. i Stops. (at sea). Capital, Sir, the prof You , ness from you / ; Stept. Now you’re too severe, Miss SrickLER, you areindeed, An innocent little Judy Mow like that ! Tredwell (outside). Don’t answer me, Sir. Ham I butler ’ere, or ham I not? I’ve a precious mind to report you for such a hignorant blunder.... I don’t want to hear another word about the gentleman's eloes—you ’d no hearthly business for to do such a thing at all! (He enters and flings himself down on a chair.) That Toomas I is beyond everything— id hass as he is! Mrs. Pomfr. (cone . La, Mr. Trepwett, you do seem put out! Whatever have Toomas been doing now ? like this! (Aloud.) Pray don’t it distress you; it’s of no consequence, none at all ! é Tred. (glaring). I’m the best ints of that, Mr. Unperswett., Sir —if you'll allow me; I don’t m whatever you may! And that feller Tomas, M actially ’ad the hordacity, without consulting me previous, to go and ‘and a note to one of our gentlemen at the hupstairs table, all about some heaaieine = Py re. ro | - on! Ly - gad he to take it upon himself? ecly disgraced that such a thing should have occurred under my authority ! [The Steward’s Room Boy has entered with a dish, and listens with secret anxiety on his own account, y Und. I assure you there is no harm done. The tleman is wearing my evening clothes— but he’s going to return them—— [ The conclusion of the sentence is drowned in a roar of laughter from the majority. Tred. (gasping). Hevenin’ cloes! Your hevenin’—— P’raps you'll ‘ave the soolnels to explain yourself, Sir ! Stept. No, no, TREDWELL, my dear fellah, you don’t understand our friend here—he’s a bit of a wag, don’t you see? He’s only trying to pull your leg, that’s all; and, Gad, he did it too! But you mustn’t take liberties with this guipaee, Mr. UnpersHett, he’s an important mage here, I can tell you Y _—_ larnetiyh. But I never meant—if you'll only let me ex plain—— [The Boy has come behind him, and administers a surreptitious rea which UNDERSHELL rightly construes as a hint to hold is tongue. Tred. (in solemn offence). I’m accustomed, Mr, HuNDERSHELL, to he treated in this room with and def: y by them as come here in the capacity of Guests. From such I rd anv attempt to pull my leg as in hindifferent taste—to say the least | of it. I wish to ’ave no more words on the subjick, which is a pain- ful one, and had better be , for the e of ull parties. Mrs. Pomrrert, I see supper is on the table, so, by your leave, we had better set down to it. : Phill. (to Uspersuect). Never mind hun, pompous old thing! It was awfully cheeky of you, though. You can sit next me if you like. Und. (to himself, as he avails himself of this permission), I shall only make things worse if I explain now. But, oh, great Heavens, what a position for a Poet NEW LAMPS FOR OLD. Art was once defined as “‘ the creation of new forms of beauty.” Our juvenile geniuses have altered all that, ‘The New Art” is better defined as “‘ the creation of novel forms of —. Its inspiration is Corruption, its auxiliaries are the two hideous imps, Scratch and Smudge. Old Art, with its bosh about beauty, its rot about romance, its fudge about finish, its twaddle about taste, will way to the sooty imp and incubus, New tech ! Rarnart? Ideal Beauty spoiled his Art! Rempranvt? Of light and shade he was no judge The Hideous now must play the leading part, Chiaroscuro yield to Shapeless Smudge I’m sure you can — Payn, in “ Our Note-Book” in“ The Iliustrated News.” Und. 1 really don’t know how I can have given you that impres-| Wrz you follow where the Bandicoots inevitably stra If you expect me to treat my lyre like a Aorse-collar, and grin | As they amorously hurtle through the stubble a the be ; . Where the Jebusites and Amorites are gathered in a som | allusion very neat. | While they watch the duck-billed Platypus preparing for bis lunch ? | come out presently, J can see, when supper’s on the table. Can't expect you to rattle till you’ve something inside of you, can we ’ | Where the toothsome Trichinopli keeps turning on the s; it Miss Stick. Reelly, Mr. Stertor, I am surprised at such common- | Oh my dove-like Trichino i There is something so elusive and desserting in your shape, That I had to shoot you sitting and to load my gun with grape. Though the Mandrake give you goose- And a tug of war come thenning after For an orchestra of s psydras con- Und. (to himself). It’s really very good of him to take it to heart And it’soh to be a Manatee—I think Riding coffee-coloured Dolphins on porogatives of no consequence, | With his Barnacles and He has Can you see me then subsiding very stately very sly, Getting out my rusty rapier and dissecting with a lunge be good enough to take a back seat. Ape the Inspirer must give TO HANWELLIA FROM EARLSWOOD. (“In my time at Eton it was the custom with one’s tutor to supply us th what was disrespectfully called ‘nonsense’ material for some engponted London poli, how hard you are to hit! tkin by its inharmonious shriek, _Greek has met with Greek; will stay at home and see the giddy milkman fill his pai ducted by a Snail. I shall b2 soon— the snaffle (or bridoon biffin-boys d é belaying in the sea ' ‘ ways eggs at breakfast, has the merry Manatee. Like a soluble quadratic which has lost its x and y, All the daffodils and daisies that I grow upon my sponge ¢ Can you see me on a tram-car, while I stand upon my head, Shredding out the scarlet runners which no publisher has read, In a horse-case ined by a puisne-judge alone, Who is tired of seeing juries with a rider of their own ’ If the dactyls and the spondees should eventually pall You can call on Miss CaxsuRa and conduct her to a ball. You can feed the girl on trochees, and of course you can propose, If hexameters delight you when recited through the nose. Happy days, how soon ye falter ; can a Bachelor have bliss ’ Can a contrapuntal Bulbul woo her lover with a kiss ? Can a rr mg protection for his philibeg and trews By dictating a column to the J/lustrated News ? Can a Bumble-bee be cheerful if related to a Mouse Which has left its cheesy larder and been captured by a Grouse ? Can a man-of-war be manly, can a gum-boil stick like glue’ Can accounts be cooked with ‘‘ stumers,” and converted into stew ? Nay, I fly from all these problems ; I am fortunately deaf To the fascinating music of the careful Q. E. F. Nor can theorems allure me, never, never will I be Mathematically married to a vulgar Q. E. D. But at home I'll sit and linger by the soft September fire, While I toast my feet and rack them by particular desire. And I'll illustrate my meaning Goer coloured, twopence plain) Drawing gaily on the ** Note Book” of my old friend Jimmy Parry, Map as A Hatrer.—The Drapery World says that “the New Woman's hat” is much like the Ordinary Man's “ topper,” only a little smaller, and a little more cheeky. e phrase might fitly be transferred to the “‘New Woman” herself. She looks so much like an ordinary man, only a little smaller and a little more ch y: By the way, is there much difference between ‘the New Woman's hat” and the woman’s new hat? The query would make a good one for a French Exercise Book. Wheel and Whoa! Tue popular wheel, so the French doctors say, Is the worst enemy of the popular weal. Academies of science scarce will stay The devastations of the steed of steel. The seorcher will deride as a bad joke Attempts in his wild wheel to put a spoke QUOTATION FROM BYRON FOR THE EMPEROR OF JAPAN. } Acatn he urges on his wild Korea.” — Mazeppa. IysTRUMENT For aN Anti-Breminouam Basyp.—The Ban-Joe.

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[Serrewner 22, 1894. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | Dorothy. Michael. *‘ On, A YOUNG CYNIC. —., “Tl woxwper way Mew TAKE THere Harts orr 1x Cavrca, Ann Women pon’r !” DororTay, JUST THINK OF ALL THE LOOKING-GLASSES THERE'D HAVE TO BE IN EVERY Pew!” | THE YOUNG PRETENDER. | ‘* Immediately after the death of his father, the Duke of Onteans addressed the following tele- gram to all the Sovereign Princes of Europe :— ‘A aa Maseert, &.—J'si la douleur de faire | part & Votre Majesté de la mort de mon pére Puttirre, Comte de Paris, pieusement décédé a Stowe House le huit Septembre. Puiirrs.’ Great significance is attached to the fact that th ” Duke signs himself with regal simplicity ‘Tarirrs His father under similar circum- stanees, on the occasion of the death of the Comte de Caamnonn, signed ‘Puriutre, Comte de Paris,’ thus ignoring his Sovereign rank.”—The Dai/y | Graph Madame la République museth : — Au! ‘4 ‘we la France! If words were only | veda, I might perchance secure a new defender. | As Amvrata to AMURATH succeeds, E’en so succeeds Pretender to Pre tender. igo ™ plus ca change plus c'est la méme ‘ ho se /” l | Fancy their words wall,” ro” ‘the writing on the Street corner serawls are not the script of fate. Pion-Pion and le brav’ Général, Caam- BORD, Paris, All chalked , my walls ; “devotion to the State’ [earry, Inspired their schemes predestined to mis- But Boursoy, Ronapartist or what not, Nelf ever seemed the centre of the plot. ** Roi des Francais” or as ‘* Monsieur X.., “poctaxenn's backer, or the White Flag-| What ion svailed their valour save to vex ? Frenchmen and soldiers ? Doubtless, Sirs ; few braver. But plots and manifestoes wild and windy Contribute little to the State—save shindy ! Eh? Right Divine? That old, old weapon Pretenders fain would furbish up to fright Would I bear weary strife, or bow my will To human wrong if “ Right Divine” could | right me? No; right divine to rule must prove affinity, | To the divine ere J trust its divinity. 2 eer ” Ah! boldly written ! Its flowing form, the freedom of its flourish. | And “ Vire la France!” To what may you You | aspire ” | W hat i is the scope, Sir, of the hopes you nourish ? (writing, | Your sire “ignored his Sovereign rank ”—in But; Philippe— Roi— de—— humph !—that might mean fighting. | Chalk, y ~ eg Purpose scribbled on the | w | Not graven in the rock with pen of iron, It may fall Affrights not the Republic. Amidst the perils that its path environ, But scarce to summons of the bravest boys, | Or, like old Jericho, to the power of noise. Yes; ‘the Pretender’s dead,” and who will | now ‘throngs, Cry “* Long live the—Pretender” ?” Courtly | Crafty intriguers, may pa parade and bow, But Lad = People / ? Will they deem their | Like to phe an by the old royal line, | Or righted by the rule of Right Divine ? What will you do—save seribble and orate ’ Were you indeed—ah, me!—that strong man armed | For wr * 80 a I’ve we, and yale Then, th perchance, might — who Easeel ?-be charmed To lily-girt ee ways of yore. | At present ’tis but—one Pretender more ! | | | ODE ON A DISTANT PARTRIDGE. (By an Absent-minded Sportsman. ) | Wett, I’m blest, I’m pretty*nearly 8 less, as I watch that bird, Saving that I mutter merely One concise, em hatie word— at that i«, may be inferred ! English prose is, to my sorrow, Insufficient for the task. Would that I could freely borrow Expletives from py or Basque— One or two is all I ask Failing that, let so-called verses Serve to mitigate my grief Doggerel now and then disperses’ Agonies that need relief. (Missing birds of these is chief?!) Blankly tramping o'er the stubbles Is a bore, to put it mild ; But, in short, to crown my troubles, One mishaj » has made me riled, Driv’n me, Nike the coveys, wild For at last I flush a partridge. en yards rise, an easy pot! Click ! mi! on me, where's the Hang j it! evn, I clean forgot Patting them in ere I shot! Quvery.—Would an counsel of perfection ? ideal barrister be a _——

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tid ¥}' | Vive LA FRAN DHILIDBE,N y / THE YOUNG PRETENDER. Madame la République. ‘‘ WHAT WILL, YOU DO—SAVE SCRIBBLE AND ORATE ? WERE YOU INDEED—AH ME!—THAT STRONG MAN ARMED FOR WHOM SO LONG I’VE WAITED, AND STILL WAIT; THEN, THEN PERCHANCE, I MIGHT—WHO KNOWS °—BE CHARMED TO LILY-GIRT LEGITIMIST WAYS OF YORE. AT PRESENT ’TIS' BUT—ONE PRETENDER MORE!”

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SEPTEMBER 22, 1894. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 141 Or, the March of Civilisation, Anovut the merry Mandarin His fatal gift for humour, | I find it hard to pin | My faith to every rumour, | THE MOBILISED MANDARIN | This war, for instance. Fancy shut | Both eyes and vainly labours To grasp the news that he is nuts On blowing up his neighbours. If so, he threatens to deface, Be yond all recognition, | His right of kinship with a race | Whose excellent tradition, Oldest of old traditions, has Time out of mind begun by This rule:—Do not to others as You’d rather not be done by. | Irnoring now the ancient bards, He must have emulated | The doetrine which Ah Sin at cards So darkly demonstrated, When, flush of duplicate supplir s, Well up his sleeves he lid” ’em— Do those whom you will otherwise Be done by :—and he did ’em. Observe this sad example of Imported Western culture ! Symbol of peace, the sucking-dove Knocks under to the vulture ; And prophets of a prior age , ae fairly be astounded v tind the system of the sage ConFuctos worse emnfuunded ! LADAS! (By a Disguste i Backer.) Lapas, Ladas, Go along with you, do. I’m now stone-broke, All on account of you. It wasn’t a lucky Leger, And I wish I 'd been a hedger, Ties h you did look sweet, sefore owe Oat ’ve thoroughly done with you! Scientiric Gossir.—In spite of the great number of bathers at all our | most frequented sea-side resorts there | has been no appreciable diminution | in either the quality or quantity of | _ the sea-water. J-AD STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. Mr. HiprororaMvUs AS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN. IN THE MUSEUM. |’ Twas almost dusk ; the galleries i and deserted red, talked, and flirted ; | Where, armed with buns and cata- relations , appraised, despised The art a many nations. , No more the rigid censor viewed With hearty disapproval Athenian statues in the nude, Demanding their removal ; No more the cultured connoisseur, Whom ot de new amazes, The very old d en extolled In very modern phrases, Yet two remained ; e youth and maid Still lingered in the section Where Egypt’ s treasures lie display ed For popular ee nt rT Lspers, and although e subject dear to some is, did not seem to take as ‘theme e obelisks and mummies. An Art more ancient fer, one thinks, Was that they talked of lightly, |Compared with which the heary Sphinx | Seems juvenile and sprightly ; Young as the very latest tale, Old as the oldest stories, It kept them there, this happy pair, That Art—the arc amoris | The — round them seemed to smile Ah, long ago, one fancies, Those withered faces by the Nile Had known their own romat.ces, The old-world gods have passed away, Osiris lies forsaken, But Love alone retains his throne Unquestioned and unshaken ! Lex Taxionis,—Mr. Layo, turned speculative law-giver, suggests that we should tax literature. Well, that’s only quid (or so much in the ** quid”) pro quo ; seeing how litera- ture (lots of it) taxes us, A high | rate on pen td rubbish would yield retty pickings,” eapesielt y it the producers thereof were allowed to rate” each other! In this age of sloppiness, sniff and sni there is | a lot of “ literature” ‘whish shou ld be tariffed off the face of the earth. | HELMHOLTZ. Great seekers, lonely-souled, explore that track, Waar matter titles? Hetwnorrz is a name We wrelooms the wild wonders they bring | That challenges, alone, the award of Fame! When Emperors, Kings, Pretenders, shadows | | Leave not a dust-trace on our whirling ball, To. | Thy Le na oh grave-eyed searcher, en | To bridge the gulf *twixt matter-v purblind, | | Is not permitted— yet; but potions, keen, yond ye: Seen, reen on the shadowy track Didst dog the elusive truth, and seek The secret of soul- mysteries Essential Order, Beauty’s Marvels to » awe, shall | Vamarred ’ by faction, from low passion found, en law ! strike more deggiah souls with manent Head of From ventures stranger than an earth] —_ Can furnish. Distant still that men which 1 spirits strain ; but ol calm Fam {name Sums its bold enn, Hetmnoriz, thy — Among the foremost shall eternal s mind | Seience’s pride, and glory of thy land. and | —————— — to mortals, dull-sensed, slow, | “*My dear,” said Mrs. R., “I had to dis- charge my gardener, for when I questioned him about the sale of the vegetables his in | SDSwers were far too amphibious.” Unnarpy Tsovent sy aN LyvaLip. — What a sae ge thing to“become the Per- a Pe with a Per- manent H EJACULATIONS On being asked to play Croquet, A.D. 1894, [**It is impossible to visit any of the country without realising the fact that the long-discredited game of Croquet is fast coming into vogue again. . This is partly owing to the abolition of ‘ tight croqueting. *"_ Pall Mall Gazette.) En? What? Why? How? Are we back in the Sixties again / I am rubbing my eyes—is it then, or now ? I’m a Rip van Winkle, it’s plain ! » Pe Ball, Stick, Cage ? them "all out once more ? Ww - ook, they ’re begrimed and cracked with age, And their play ing days are o'er! Well—yes—here goes or a primitive chaste ee Let — ty = my solomnly beat our For Croquet ’s no longer ** ite n'y

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142 ~ ODE FOR THE MARRIAGE) SEASON. II ! “Ir any of you know [ Cause or impediment.” Cause! I should think I do, That girl to wed I meant! She made me drink the cup a | ; [a 7 af }, d J Of woe, well-rhaken up - With bitter sediment. rif j , 14% If I forbid the banns th! With visage pallid, Ere she's another man's, And I have rallied, [her anse in bygone days With me she dallied, Wald my forbidding phrase Be counted valid * Becanse her eves would shine Once when | praised her, Because her heart to mine, When I upraised her From the low garden chair, Iheat for a moment's space With sudden, yielding grace While I jast kiss'd ber hair, Which nought amazed her ; S othed her with loving touch, Iving, but not too much, When on her little hand The backle of her band Had lightly grazed her ? PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 7

[Serremper 22, 1894.

Well, all is vanity ; She ’I! disillusion’d be, And I—well, as for me, When these confusions Clear from my brain vt t Back in my thoughts I'll stray Where sunbeams ever play On lost illusions, o> > — eed , % ‘3

TO A SCORCHER. ’Arry, ’Agry Surrn pe Sarrn, As wheelman you would win renown ! Yon arethe country districts’ pest, You are the nuisance of the town: Yuu ’re wan and wild and dust- detiled ; You think you ’re awfully ad- mired Though winner of a hundred “ ts,” Your fame is not to be desired, Arry, ’Arry Suita pe SrA, | You whirl and whisk about the Jands, | With shoulders bowed, with low- ered pate, And dull eyes fixed upon your bands. Ou! take some interest in the

Rlowly our souls bet ween Mists «f reserve crept in I reck'd net, blindly \ »ister she became, () chill and veel-like name! A creat deal less than kin, Much less than kindly. Then on the old sweet ways Of thoughtles«, chummy days, Turning severely. Pride, hooded in dislike, Strack as a enske might strike, And, in the public gaze, Froze me austerely, ONE THING man). “‘I'M AFRAID, COULDN'T BELP

Genial Master (under the painful necessity of discharging his Coach- SimMONS, WE MUsF PART. NOTICING THAT SEVERAL MonTH YOU HAVE BeEN—Soper ; axp I pon T BeELieve A MAN CAN ATTEND PROPERLY TO THE Deink IF HE HAS DriviING To po!” scene, Love birds that sing and flowers that blow; Try not ‘o be a mere machine, And let the record-squelcher go! A LITTLE Less THAN M‘KIe ey, BUT MORE THAN UnxKIND.—Presi- dent CLEVELAND has had to allow the Gorman Act to become law without formally assenting to it. He has had, in fact, to swallow what he would fain reject, an act of involuntary political Gorman- dising which must be unpleasant. AT A TIME. Tae Fact ts, I TIMES DURING THE LAST

THAT ADVANCED WOMAN! A Symposium a la Mode.) Tie Author of \ Saddi« Aster” nieeaes I am much flattered by your kind invi- tation to discuss the Advanced Woman, but an initial difficulty suggests itself to me. me diseuss the Advanced Woman if this Advanced Woman her- snon-existent’ I am aware, of course, that she has +tridden large of late in the pages of femi- nine fiction, but is she not as extinct (before she has ever existed) as her Dopo title? Let me make my own confession. I have used, if I did not invent, the A. W. I have secured.a remunerative public. Once on a time I wrote of life as I found it. I used my eyes and ears, and endeavoured to let the world have the result in the old-fashioned, wholesome story. It was a dreary failure. The crities commended my style, and the public let me severely alone. Nous avons changé tout cela. A theatrical manager who finds his musical piece bewin to drag, saves the situation by a New Edition—in other words, by two new songs and some fresh dances. In a similar way I secured a reputation by dragging in (at times by her very heel-) the Advanced Woman. True that she resembles no one in actual existence, true, indeed, that she is outrageously and offen« 7 hou I should have thought that my views on the Advanced Woman were sufficiently well known ; but, since you ask my opinion, I may say at once that I lose no opportunity of inveighing against this fin de-mccle abomination. Once on a time it was not thought un- becoming for a woman to be modest and retiring. She knew her : ; : ’

sphere, and, queen in her own selected world, she did not aspire to a sovereignty which naturally belonged to others. If they were alive to-day (and, after all, some of them are), our grandmothers would hardly know their cranp children—the Heavenly Twins. I am glad that I am permitted to keep burning the sacred lamp of the Old ahd Fg Indeed, it looks as if the jeers which a thoughtless world has hitherto reserved for the Old Maid were being transferred to the Old Woman. Yet to those who have never yielded to the spell of the latter-day notions, there is only dismay in the spectacle of the Advanced Woman sweeping triumphantly on, with her mind full of sex-problems she has not brains enough to understand, and her breath stained with the trace of cigarettes she does not care to conceal. Wholesomeness dies at ing dubbed old-fashioned ; | Modesty does not survive the disgrace of not being uptodate. It’s a bad world, my masters, and I’m never tired of saying so. Ann U. Woman The fact that you have invited my opinion dreams with full knowledge of what I shall say, em- of the Future. boldens me to speak out. Man’s day (which, like every dog, he has had) draws to an end. For centuries he had Woman at his mercy. What she is to-dav, that he has made her. And what is she? His Doll, his Slave, his ‘‘ Old Woman.” But Man made one fatal mistake. In a weak moment he consented to allow Woman to earn her own living. From that moment our ultimate triumph was assured. Now we know our strength. Told of old that we were brainless, we now become Senior Wranglers. Condemned aforetime to inactivity, we now realise that in life's struggle there are no prizes we are not competent to secure, though, of course, we are not always permit We have precipitated our- selves out of a yellow miasma of stagnant sloth into an emancipated, and advanced day. The Advanced Woman has come to stay—but not with any husband. She will be as free as the air, as strong as the eagle. I must stop, as to do any more fine writing would be to anticipate my next novel. Be sure to get it. It will be called -—— [No; I can stand a good deal, but not that.—Ep.]

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| SepremBer 22, 1894.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | “TRIPPING MERRILY.” Tat holiday cruise on board the goed steamship Cannie Donia ! | Did I dream it ? or was it a reality? ‘Are there wisions about ?” It seems like y ay or like years ago, and I know it was neither. * Old Kaspar’s,”’—or let us say middle-aged Kaspar’s,—* work was done” pro tem., and he could not neglect so great an opportunity, nor refuse so inviting an invitation as that sent him by Sir Cuartes Curerte, the Chairman, to come aboard for the trial trip of the G.S.8. Cannie Donia, 8o I, middle-aged Kaspar, work done as aforesaid, did then and thereby become Tommy the Tri , and, as such, went aboard the gallant 8S. abovementioned, all-to-the- contrary, nevertheless, and notwit ng. And what a goodly company ! - Lady Cussare, ect host and hostess in Sir CHARLES themselves. Here too was our Tosy, M.P., waggish as ever. “I am not down on the official list of guests as *Topras,’” quoth he, “And why?” I gaveit up. ‘*Be- cause,” says he, answering his own conundrum, “I am a free and independent scribe, and there is nothing to bias me. Aha!” Thesea air agrees with Tony, M.P. ‘And where would the Member for Barkshire be,”’ he asks, pro- ounding asit were another and a better uzzle, *‘ but aboard a bonnie Taoees? My bark,” he continues gaily, “* may be worse than my bite, bat——” Here the bugle-call to breakfast sounds, and from ocular evidence I can roundly assert that whatever his bark may be, I will back his bite —and this without backbiting, of which, as I trust, neither of us is capable—against that of any two of his own size and weight. Yet Tony en mangeant is not the dog in a manger, no, not by any means! With one eye to the main chance, and another to the ee comfort of his co- breakfasters, so pursueth he his steadfast course, as indeed do we all, to the astonishment of most of us, through the shoals of toast and butter; over the shallows of eggs; safely through the Straits ot Kipper and Kurrie; with a pleasant time in Hot Tea Bay; then through a Choppy sea, be- tween the dangerous rocks of srawn and Bacon ; into the calm Marmaladean Sea, where we ride at anchor and all is well, e4 143 | And I eye her with a look wherein admiration is tempered with pity. | It occurs to me that I will say something appropriate, just to show her how I, a stranger and a Saxon, feel for her. It may lead her to | express her hearty detestation of these faction-fights, and of these deadly fracas with the armed constabulary. I say, with a touch of deep indignation in my tone, “* It’s a shame,” say I, * that such things as these’”’—and I nod frowningly at the shillelaghs which Vurcan, M.P., is twirling meditatively, one in each hand, as if right and left were about to fight it out—** it’s a shame that such things as these be permitted!” The pale, sad, beautiful daughter of , regards me mournfully, and then, in a tone expressive of astonishment blended with firm remonstrance, she asks,— ** An’ what would the poor Boys use, an’ they not allowed fire-arms?”’ That was all. No smile is on the lips of Erin's pale daughter. She is apparently in earnest, though both Vutcan and myself, talking it over subsequently, unite in opinion that, , she had been availing herself of this rare and unique ed of ** get- ting at’’ the Saxon. So she went on recommending sticks and photographs, and did a good bit of business with our generous Vutcan, M.P., who re- turned, laden with gifts for various fellow-guests aboard the good 88. Cannie Donia, What amusing nights and de- lightful days! The ladies—bless ’em !—all charming, and ve Barkisses in their perpetu “willingness” to do anything and everything that might give leasure and afford amusement. wo fairy-gifted maidens enter- tain us mightily with a capital dramatic sketch of their own com- position ; others follow suit, play- ing the piano; and a sestette per- form, without previous rehearsal gle es, madrigals, age and choruses to popu tation melodies, under the leadership of that masterly murician Tom Tox- DEROL, whose only regret is that he has not been able to bring on board with him his sixteen-horse- power-tifty stopped -six teen-pedal organ (designed and made by the eminent firm of Beitows, Blower & Co., at a cost of some few thou- sand pounds), though, as he ex- plains to us, he would have done so, had this musical mammoth been only compressible within the limits of an ordinary oo bag. However, @ propos of organs, we have with us a representative of one of the greatest organs—of After breakfast, the cigar, or pipe, with conversational accom- paniment, what time we pace Saxon (referring to the shillelaghs). “It’s a shame that such things as these should be permitted!” Daughter of Erin (plaintively). “ An’ what would the poor Boys use, the Press—full of wise saws and modern instances; as jolly as a sandboy, or rather as a schoolboy the quarter-deck. Prognostica- tions as to probable weather are “taken and offered” by nauti- cally-attired guests, who, in a general way, may be supposed from their seagoing costume ‘*to know the ropes.” Here is the ever amiable and truly gallant Sir Perer Prvrat, ping ovary inch the ideal yachtsman, as hon member of the Upper House of Cowes i Ryde — ee —- oa — ! ailing nows STONEY, is i y every voyaging for any number of ; knows even smallest waves by sight and, if asked, could probably tell you their names! One day he will publish his reminiscences | _We anchor off Queenstown. The estimable Votcay, M.P., from the North, must an’ they not allowed Fire-arms ?” ; has years Erin, sd atty girl from ith. gir County Trim. with hard, om ete i “Phew!” whistles Vatentine VuLcan these dainty sticks in his hand. crack from this. r us sadl * Maybe,” of these confounded O’Carutet and O’Mowraeve rows. Poor girl!” out for a holiday. A sailor every inch of him, and this is saying a great deal, as he must be over six feet, and broad in proportion. Appropriate, too, as aboard ‘the craft,” is the presence of the Great Grand , Mr. Bewsamun Boaz, A.M., P.G.M., &e., &e., and the still Greater, Grander Something Else, P.P.M., &c., Sir JonaTHAN JACHIN, mysterious officers, Arcades ambo, of the Secret | Rites of Masonry, fa of nods, winks, becks, wreathed smiles, signs, frolic, secrets, fun and tales , e Ah! the happy days! the happy evenings! What excellent “* toasts” and * returnings of thanks ” by my Lord Arrrpavir, by Sir Poszerpow A Viwxxo (President of the Anchorite Court), by AypEEW McJasow (senior of the Argonautic Firm that built the good ship Cannie eae and the sprightliest speech of all by Sir Cusnies Round to Falmouth, up the Fal, “with our Fal, lal, la,” as singeth our brilliant sestette to piano, or, to quote Sir JomaTHas, “our P, an’ 0.” accom t. Then.... But “ here break we off.” Thus do I briefly make some record of a “ trial trip”; and ma trip that any of us may make, whether involving a trial or not, results than hes this, of which, beginning and finishing happily and gloriously as it has done—and such be the Cannie Donia’s fate | evermore—I am privileged to write this slight record, aad proud to | account myself henceforth as WE or THE TuIPrERs. no ave

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [SerremBer 22, 1894. AN IMPORTANT "JUNCTION. You mryo your Fapger orrs wy Boots reppy sy Four o’ciocg, ‘cos I'm Gorn’ To A Party!” A PRINCELY OFFER, £5 offered for a One- yb oar et to conditions,” &«. — Advertise- we vning Pe et.’") “To Pe one. Libretto, ment ia * Passep are the days when in accents pathetic Writers complained of their wage as ubjust, (ione are the times when the genius poetic Struggled in penury, dined on a crust ! Nor need they longer, pittance, Grieve if the editors still are remiss ; W hat Sang the papers refuse them admit- Ww bile they’ re afforded such chances as this ” who strive for a Writers of verse, here is news to elate you! * Poets” (the title you value the most), inp! ply mag magnificent offers await you !— this paragraph, cut from the Post. Hasten, ye bards (who surely a debt = To this M ¥~1- AS, this opulent man), Hasten with jo repare a libretto Fit to accom sh is excellent plan! He will fulfil your most lofty ambitions— Such poets | simply astounds !— Y . will receive (under certain ‘* conditions’’) Honour, glory, and fame, and—fice pounds ! A Parapox or Taeatricat Svecrss.—At > Criterion very difficult to get into ZJ/ot ‘ater. _——— j TIPS. (To a Friendly Adviser.) Wuew starting off on foreign trips, | L’ve felt secure if someone gave me | Invaluable hints and tips ; ery trouble, money, these would save me, v ae ‘ou ’ve told you know. Socsueal. fore- armed, I start, instructed How much to spend, and where to go; Yet free, not, like _— folks “* con- u ” Now I shall face, se- rene and calm, Those persons, often | rather pressing For little gifts, with outstretched palm. To some of them I'll give my ae To others—"' service” being pai Buona mano, pourboire, inked They fancy Rosfichenen a are made money, made of (so they think) ge/d. The gorson, ready with each dish, His bri Voila, monsieur’ ’ replying To wb ad that one may wish ; His claim admits of no denying. The portier, who never rests, o speaks six languages together To clamorous, inquiring guests, | On letters, luggage, trains, boats, weather, eo de chambre, who fills my bain ; | e ouvreuse, where I see the acteur. A cigarette to chef de train, A franc to energetic facteur. I give each cocher what is right ; I know, without profound researches, What I must pay for each new sight— Cathedrals, castles, convents, churches. Or , ye up to see a view, From ca nile, roof or steeple. Those verbal tips 1 I had from you Save money tips to other people. on ~ all those florins, marks or franes— ufennige, sous, kreutzer, is it ?— The eno they give me at the banks, ecording to the towns I visit. I nn to owe yon theas, eal vet yet a ill money do eeling ’s deeper. I’]l owe you an eternal det debt— A debt of oe, that’s cheaper. TO SLNIIMENT. (Aster a Long Cowrse of Cynicism.) ** SENTIMENT is come again.” So says clever Mr. ZanowILt. Most things tire the human brain ; Mugwump mockery and slang will: Pessimism’s pompous pose, Hedonism’s virus septic ; Coes’ s cold cock-nose Creedless dismals, doubts dyspeptic, All are wearying— g sham. Twopenny Timon tires and sickens. Bitters bore us! We'll try jam! Back to Lyrrrox, Hoop, and Dickens ? | Sorrows of sweet seventeen ? , Vows that manly one-and-twenty meant ! | Yes! we're sick of Cynic . Let’s hark back again to Sentiment ! Sankesion surfeit, after a, it me trifle ad y anges our long gorge of ‘ Come back, Sentiment, and quickly!

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