Punch 1894-09-08: Vol 107 Iss 2774

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Published| PLCTURES FROM “PUNCH,” Volume — PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. with an excellent Portrait of the late Joun Leecu as Frontispiece, To- D ay. is Now Ready at the Booksellers. Very elegantly bound in cloth, w gilt edges, uniform with the First Volume, Price Six Shillings. RL (> McnMRod US \ \ a . ‘ — 4 = +> \ 4 > Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. Sa we eg DUIE VOL) Bee nx PRICE THREE PENCE. | % = a . = ; ye peggy XEETTAET TIT) | . "4 U ! al) | | 2 nN SY SS 5G: he . ) Mi, . Feu! ‘y | | 5 § Wu - LEN” lal } alllt 4 | ‘s ; Hi | { . Ned PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, PE RA LONDON. CADBURY'S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. NO CHEMICALS USED. Communications or Contributions, whether MS.., pot even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed @@ NOTICE. — Rejected

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—_ | PUNCH, | BOOK OF ABSURDITIES ;. " rk | | Por ( rze Street (Head Offi Lox ng William Street, | Mail East, 8.W I f per Sackville Street IN THE WORLD) OF BEAUTY : i tictry | | [POR REPLENISHING THE PATENT PENCIL | t, The Tr nett of Nosh and his Satellites inte A, are 6 hiléres of from 7 years of age to 16 o _ pa fueany Pict ‘ “wire NEW SCHEME RELIEF OF TRUSTEES. | FAMILY TRUST | INVESTMENT POLICIES, Secur ing a Fized Inco me for Surciving Relatives. ULARS, APPLY TO THE ‘STANDARD | UFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. EST ABI LISHED 1825. Accumulated Funds, 7} Millions Stg. sap z S SUPREME. y is It the moet eflective akin purify- t ng soap in the wo ut ik is band most rfresitieg fr I nursery, Jt is a» becaure it suse of bad « cemplentons, fu sim) le > by blemishes, viz ] rat? SPLANED, oa Sivec wa lone FP NEWDPERY | London, E.C, whre. Price ls » King Edward &t., S. MORDAN & CO.'S LEADS, mt to the pubis the oer atte t art OR THE CHOCOLAT. MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daity Gonsumetion, 60 Tons. oS! RETAIL EVERYWHERE. “HEAVIEST POSSIRLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE'S PLATE. “MIGHEST ATTAINABLE evaLittT” LL2D FUR HARD WEAK.” SAMUEL BROTHERS. Jacket oad Vest For boy wl ag lay SAMUEL BROTHERS, * , Oovrerress, ae. OcATE HILL, LONDON, es. cm St cet, Ludgate 11s and 46, Gray's inn Road. 65 & 67, LUD i erksheps SCHOOL OUTFITS. M SAMUEL Rhu rue RS respect fulis ite an inspection of the ir Showrooms by Parents and Guardians sblic or Private Col *, Schools, &c The requirem ents of Youths and loys have for very many years engaged the $ — attention » AMU EL ne OTHERS, with the result that this import ent Department of their | business has attained | very large dimensions | so that every want in Suits, Overcoats, Hosiery, Hoots, &c., is fully met, and durable Qualities ensured PATTERNS AND TALOGUE free COLD WEDDING PRESENTS. The Largest and Choicest Stock in the World. COLDSMITHS' COMPANY, | Show fooms: [12, REGENT ST. W. ‘CLARKE, NICKOLLS & COOMBS’ nike Sonnet oscoric Comranr. ;? SUPREME! Lrp CARAMELS “Milk,” “Cream,” and “ British Standard’ Brands) ARE UNRIVALLED. Aut Ur-to-Dare Coxrecriovens Szit Turn. ‘COLEMAN'S WINGARNIS, LIEBIG’S EXTRACT OF MEAT AND MALT WINE. Highest Award at the Chicago Exhibition. Scld Everywhere, in Bottles, s. 94. and 4s. 64. | Over 2000 testimonia's received from Medical Men. SOLE MANUFACTUKERS— OLEMAN & CO., Ltd. Norwich and London. _—— LON DON (CHARIV ARL .— SEPTEMBER 8, ee | CRUISE TO THE EDITERRANEAN. | bd oan 4 a ANY y wilt duspotet thaty clean A. BF er, from Li for « rer Sor en jee, Visiting ANON, My FRANCA for NICE LEGHOKN, PALERMO. MALTa, | ALG ERS, MAL GA, cave. arriving back io London |7th October ao ti wy light, electric bells, hot and o—y Ma Ly » 3 Green @ Co, Anderson, Anderson, » Head Offices, Fenchurch Ave enue, London R. pessnge apply to the latter Grm, at 5. Pee c , or to the West End Branch » ockeper Street, s Ww ti Sabon. are RT TENDER FEET Persons subject to tender feet will find instant relief by bathing in Con- dy’s Fluid (di luted). .Of ali Chemists, 8 oz. 1). 20 oz. 2/-. Pull bath- ing directions from Con- dy's Fluid Works Turnmill Street, London, EC. In- sist on having “ Condy’s Fluid.” Use « CONDY’S FLUID.” BUTTER-SCO1 (The Celebrated Sweet for Chil |. Aeally, wholes | | S Con teoncrgy” | TO TRAVELLERS. Messrs. W. D. & H. O. WILLS have pleasure in calling the atten- tion of the Travelling Public to the fact that their ‘‘BEST BIRD’S EYE” and ‘“ THREE CASTLES” TOBACCO can be obtained in the following Towns in France: BORDEAUX—S8 & 10 Passaoe Sancet. HAVKE—6 Bovurevarp pe Srraspovune. LYONS—7 Rous pe ta Rerveriqve. MARSEILLES—7 Ruz pe Noaites. NICE—Rve pe Panis. PARIS—12 Bovutevarp pes Capuciyes (Graxp Horst). 15 Piace pe ta Bourse. MONTE CARLO—P ace pv Casivo. And from the principal Tobacco- nists throughout GERMANY, ’ | SWITZERLAND, NORWAY and | SWEDEN, HOLLAND, BEI- GIUM, RUSSIA, & HOWARD BEDFORD STRAW TRUSSERS,| E&T Grr 8 ro C8 aq” & peneumes % oe) SWEET SCENTS Prom every fower that breathes a fragrance — Presents , GIFTS 6 $ 2 oe of Tot, EERINCS os em (FERRY BRANDY. | The Best Liqueur Cubets, Stramonium, and Cannad. Ind. Always relieve, and frequently cure Asthma, 7 SAVAR’S | = eat Coug Bronchitis, | afivenza One Cigarette insures a good ¥ «7 & rest CER re es Full directions ‘all Chemists CIGARETTES. ....rcses sanant Wood o0 Capsules, 4s. 64. per Hox rloMANS SEA SALT Bape sereorws a ” > TADDY and C2Y-’S llyrtle Grove CIGARETTES. Se ee el See eee eeeeeseee ) TLY: NON-P°lSONOUS ASPINALLS (INVENTOR AaBSsoLY FOR THESKIN

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| Sepremper 8, 1894.]

PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARL 109 |

iS THE BAR A PROFITABLE PROFESSION? (A Query to be answered during the Long Vacation.) I am always reluctant to obtrude my ponnelily upon the British | Public, All the world know my address in the Temple, and so long as my learned friends who aet as intermediaries between myself | the litigation-loving publie bear me in mind, I require no further — advertisement. However, I cannot close my eyes to Duty, and Duty points to the pages of a paper that may be aptly called the organ of the Bench, e Jury, and the Bar. 1 feel compelled to publish the following short story in the columns of that organ as a proof of Shall be at usiedite i ® y if my - . like oe of benefit to my - fellow I write in their service, ’ and without an eye—yes, I venture to say half an eye—to main chance. My narrative will prove that ignorance, : and, if I =: & permitted to say so, unpardonable ignorance exists at the Law Courts. I have kept silent until the Long Vacation has com- menced. My reason for this reticence is not difficult to discover. Had I taken the public into my confidence at an earlier date, it would be obvious that f might have suffered in essional statas. Now that the Long Vacation has been reached, there is ample time for the process known as “‘ living it down.” But I will not anticipate. I must confess that I was not a little pleased the other day to learn from my excellent clerk, Portrneton, that a representative of the firm of Croes, Jupas, AnD Faetars, were anxious to see me on a matter of business. ; ‘‘Have I had them as clients before?” I asked my worthy assistant. _ “Oh, no, Sir,” returned Portryerox. ‘ You see, for the last five years you have only had——” “Yes, yes,” I interrupted, for my excellent clerk is sometimes inclined to become a trifle prosy. ‘‘ I will see him at once. Is he in my room?” > ** Well, no, Sir; as said that Mr. Inxerton might use it for the soda-water cases, I thought it would be better to show him into Mr. Brock’s room. You see, Sir, it is tidier your room; for since we have had the lawn-tennis nets——” But here I again interrupted my worthy assistant, who, I am forced to admit, is sometimes a trifle discursive. I interrupted him, -_ entering Brock’s room, made the acquaintance of my new chent. “I think, Sir,” said my visitor, “that you are of opinion that there is no custom concerning the dismissal of office messengers ? ”’ I never like to commit myself without referring to my books, so I was silent for a moment. ** At least,” continued my client, ‘* you have not heard of any ?” ** Well, no,” I returned; ‘‘so far as my experience goes, I have not come across the custom.” “That’s quite enough for us, Sir. If you will swear that, we shall want nothing further.” Rather to my disgust my visitor suddenly placed a subpana in my hand, and told me that the case would most likely be in the list on the following day. Annoyed at his brusqueness I told him I had been ready to accept him gratuitously as a client. I added that as I now found I was only in request as a witness I should require a guinea. ** Oh, of course,” said my visitor, producing the — ** We looked you out, and your name is inthe Law Luzst; and I see, too, you have painted it on the door of Mr. Biocx’s chambers.” Disdaining to smile at what I considered to be rather a clamsy | attempt at plaisanter ie, I bowed, and rang the bell. | ‘* Perhaps we had better have your private address, Sir,” continued my visitor, ‘* It would be safer, for then we could wire to you when | it came on, and you would be sure to get our tel Ve | “Tam always here while the Courts are sitting.” I returned, ia a | tone of hauteur ; *‘ so you must please wire to me here.” | “*Just as you like, Sir.”

suggest that I was constantly absent from my chambers. I really ittle tact, and such a small stock of experience. Carey Street forensic costume, or enter the Court as a layman, I was accosted b ** So you will be wanted

almost at once, Sir,” said he. the d of the profession to | 1| [had not been asked for my profession—no doubt that was suffi- And a few minutes later my clerk saw my visitor safely off the | oy a =e I was slightly annoyed at the term *‘ wire.” | N y—fiep Henke chee gover bs past t true t i ’s nam had ppeared—at ¢ sutor— recentig-in ~<A fee-book, but that ._ why = Pees But where is the limit ? He tackles each squabbler. pitted Messrs. Cros, Jupas anp Friars for having a clerk with so On the following morning, when I was standing at the door of the Robing Room, considering whether | should assume my ————————— the same individual, who told me *‘ that we were third on the list.” | “Well, I shall be able to ” I replied, ‘ trange to say, I hove no bee nag imeaay.” . - ** Chiefly chamber practice, I suppose, Sir ?”’ “Quite so,” I returned, looking him steadily in the face. “I mean to-day.” iL Will not tell a wearisome story of how I had to about the Court until the interval for | eon, and longer. hurry to | the point when I entered the witness-box. To my surprise and secret satisfaction there was quite a stir when my name was called out. The Silks in the front row smiled, and my colleagues the juniors tittered. Even his Lordship looked up with an expression of p t anticipation. I was duly wen, and gave my name. ** Now, Sir,” said the Cou for our side, “tell me. How long have you known anything about office messengers ?” I considered for a moment. As a Member of the Bar (although ciently well known) I de to set an example. I wished to show what a witness should be. I desired to appear as a model worthy of close and universal imitation. ‘“*T have seen office messengers in offices for many years—as long | as I can remember.” | at + absolute gravit 7 Te my estonishanent there ze s titter which grew into a roar of laughter; even Lordship foun it difficult to control his cachinnation. ' “Yes,” said the counsel, when he had partially recovered his oer. “ But, tell me, do you know any custom in connection with their dismissal ?” Again I considered the matter for a few seconds, and made a second ly. te No; I am unaware of any special custom in connection with their dismissal.” This time there was no titter. My answer was received at once with the wildest merriment, The Judge laughed as much as anyone, and the Usher had to wipe his head with his handkerchief, so greatly moved was he by his sense of the ridiculous. #3. eee sat down vonvulsed, and had to conceal his face behind is brief. **T really don’t think, ” gasped out the judge, ‘‘ that this witness need be crcss-examined. And I was not, As I returned to my seat amidst the smiles of everyone in Court, a reporter me for my ian name, Before I co ly, one of my colleagues in wig and gown gave him what he sup was the necessary information. | “* But you are wrong,” | whispered, and (with a view of crushing | him) handed him my card. “You don’t say so,” returned my learned friend; ‘‘ why, we thought you were Panto,—the chap you know, who writes as * Yoricx’ for the Serto-Comic Jester. And it had come to this! been taken, or rather mistaken, for a humorous contributor! And this after about a quarter of a century's service at the Bar! And yet there are those who say that the profession is not going to the dogs! However, I must express my surprise at the conduct of the judge. It is not ten years since that I had the pleasure of holding a consent brief before him. And yet he had forgotten me! When the Bench | is so forgetful, how can Silk and Stuff be expected to have better | memories ! Pump- Handle Court, (Signed) September 1, 1894. “RHYMES.” Whatever the subject that people discuss, Theology, law, architectural Pp a me a St. Albans, for instance—there's ready for us A lover of knock-me-down language to say things. Lord GuimTnorre will instantly write to the 7imes. His last learned homilies treated of rhymes. Ne sutor—Lord Gaimtuorre could tell you the rest, Lord GuimtHorre could write you a letter about it, Lord Garmrnorrer, decidedly wisest and best ‘ Of wise and teachers, no could doubt it ; Since, be what it may, he will write to the Times, Chureh, chancery, chapels, chants, chamfers or chimer.

A. Barervess, Jowtor.

We see each new letter, but never the : All things need repair, and Lord G., is the cobbler. Cathedrals or canticles—still to the Times He writes, some might say, neither reasons nor rhymes,

Murrrany Worp or ComMAND For THose woo nave “ FaLuen ms Love.”—Fall out!

VOL, CVI. L

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PrUNC Hl. OR THE LOND IN CIHIARIVART. | [Seerempr: 8, 1894. NE /, cs i 4 ij sae, wah TG Wh we SUPPLY AND DEMAND. Pill, “ Wuat are THest Cuaps, Jim?” Jin ‘Way, TaHey ke Att HearRts AND MARKESSES, THEY TELL ME, AS IS DOWN ON THEIR Lvck ! Bul. “ Wei, THEN, WoT 's THE Goop OF THFIR MAKIN’ New Peers, WHEN ALL THESE POOR NOBLEMEN ARE OUT oF A Jop?” another. Eventual “The Ethies of the | paying interest on the money Epwis borrowed SILLY SEASONING. ~ yy won by & narrow majority. to pay forit. But what of that? The time Tue era of newspaper controversy has once after a close division. Of course it need | we spent was “pm, the recollection of it more begun, and the wail of the letter-writer hardly be said that the ~o) ought to be is a rapture. hough I should never be | is again heard in the land. The guileless matrimonial. It’s expected of you. The | fortunate enough to spend another, I sha!l | reader may possibl pegs that the letters public look forit. They shall get it. Here | always rejvice in my first honeymoon. | he reads so readily are so many brands are some of the letters :— Yours ne | plu ked from the burning—in other words, and ‘ ‘ . ae . ANGELINA MANDOLINE. so many contri- THE ETHICS OF THE HONEYMOON. | The Cosy Corner, Swiss Cottage. butions snatched Dear Srr,—I desire in your valuable - os paper) S1r,—I object to honeymoons because Pe of the Waste- +. draw attention to a question which I have | those antes part in them ee unsociable. B “eM; _— “ been carefully considering for a great number | What greater disfigurement to a landscape ~ bet th of years: Are Honeymoons right? Man and/| than a lot of cou ples Seeteeneceliner about ? ethers al © boy I have been a bachelor these forty years,|The whole thing , such a farce, too—each ce! met ten and as such have had peculiar and extensive | would rather speak to come ae one ~ both waere eins and opportunities for seeing that ‘most of the | are afraid of offending one another. end ms ane game” which is reserved for outsiders. As| vent anyone thinking I say this because ail ee ve vr = the result of my observation, I confidently | been bitten myself, i may add that my first Way 4 a, assert that honeymoons are useless, dangerous, honeymoon was such a success that next week Fleet Street lag behind its neighbours in and ought to be abolished. They are useless/1’m going to get married again, and take in that the only ple they profit are the | another. Yours, A Wrpower. tuletions have thar lader-writers, cir: Gote-eopert, "They" are-duagerous to the| OUT; Borough Hoad,'8 Punch his ‘ “young men”? The fol- happy rs who see ough = ne f ling letters, therefore, it is frankly ad- in° 5 Sage Se eee o lifetime. Abolition is clearly the onl — eigen written in Fleet Street. tease and a Hyde Park Sansnctantien deaek J reals Css Meseine of our Bey. | notice the careless grace with eo Peok- | the matter. Yous fatally, Her a very sane tiness is droll, he ham Rye” and the Borough Road” are Peckham Rye. Tom E. Ror. There ‘s fun in ber woret folly, thrown in to give an air of Verisimilitude ¥ In fact she ’s no Society to a bald unconvincing narrative” as Dear Mr. Poscn, —However can anyone But a Society ** Dolly.” Poon Bam said. The subject of the corre-| ask such a — uestion as “* Are Honey- On her the straightest-laced spectator spondence gave some smal] amount of trouble. | moons right ?” 1 never forget mine. Bestows his benediction, Is Sleeping healthy ?” was one sug estion ; | It was one long — We spent the time And owns her keen and skilled creator ' “Ought Husbands to kiss their Wives?” | in Switzerland and £300 in cash. We're still A Hope of English fiction.

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| =| | The House of the Wolf. is his refuge, but let | Or the Council will send "him a “* Notice,” | Lest ye draw the police from their gossips, | | When yk ht with . Wolf of the Pack, do Serrewpea 8, 1894 ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVARL 1th THE LAW OF THE (SOCIAL) JUNGLE. | Mr. Rupyarp Kreiive has given us in his | own inimitable way a ar a of Jungle Law, | which, as he says, is immense com- lexity.”’ Now { reiety is also a Jungle, the i {uman rho = In tt ~, ‘Bete —~ cong tes, for a variety purposes. ; . laws also are complex, and wonderfully like at those of the Wolves as Baloo gave them in , | sing-song. For example :— ° ‘ (For * Wolf” read ** Worldling,” for ** Jungle” the “‘ Social Worid.”) Q Now this is the Law of the Jungle—so ancient that no one asks “ Why?” And the Wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the Wolf that shall break it must fly, As the cobweb that meshes the corners, the Law nets Society’s track— For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack. “Tub” daily from ed-am to toe-tip ; drink freely but seldom too deep: ’ is And remember the night is for he and y iW ; forget not the aed is for sleep. ? t2 [hd NN : y , The Jackal may ae . Je the ——~ but, Cub, when thy whiskers are Remember the Wolf is a =~ forth and track prey of thine own. Kee ce with the Lords of the 3 le, the yo , the Bobb i, And fool not with Mophent Lee Law, which is given to oe the weak. When Pack crosses Pack in the jungle, and neither will budge from the trail Lie down till the Lawyers have r= for tongue against ony may prevail ! not fight him alone or afar, Let others look on at the scrimmage, the Pack is amused by such war. vI. The House of the Wolf is his refuge, and | where he has made him his home, WE i If he is a Wolf of fair cunning, not een | i I\}\) WN County Councils — come. | } \| | wi mi = HANG an = y j y hi} him shun odorous drain WW iy iz Wh aA PV if VS vif WA A Wat) uy alee il 1, [ony W ual \| At | and he'll have to “* me cr it again, Ih A “NEW WOMAN.” = Picar’s Wife. “ AND HAVE YOU HAD coop Sport, Miss Gotpexperc!” SoA ih Aa block not the public highway. | If ye hunt after midaig ht be careful, wna A and have Forty Shillings to pay. Ix Ye may kill female souls for your pleasure, | may snare them the best way ye can, iss G. * On, RIPPIN’! I onL¥Y sHoT OXE Rappit, BUT I MASAGED TO INJURE QUITE A But mind you don’ beam on on pomerves ‘that | seams MORE |" belong to a wealthier m xIII. XVI. If ye plunder his Kill from a weaker, don’t | Cub-Right is the right of the Minor. For Because of his age and bis cunning, bis grip put on too much “* blooming side.” s of crass folly or shame and his power of jaw, | Some deeds it is lawful to do, which, as being, He =e t in the plea, ‘I’m an Infant!” In all that the Law leaveth open the word of * bad form,” “ should hide. w will acknowledge the same. King Mammon is Law. xIv. Now these are the Laws of the Jungle, to The “form” of the Pack is the law of the! Sale-Right is the right of the Mother. For sway human Wolves where they swarm ; Pack. It will pardon white lies, all her she-cubs she may claim But the head and the front of the Law, the Ard a wriggle or two, but that Wolf ’s a gone | The pao of free-market (or marriage), and beginning and end is—Conrorm / coon who the Pack * form” defies. none may deny 3 the same. Wonderful, is it not, how little the Law of xII. the Wolf requires modif ying, © make it the | The Kill of the Wolf is the meat of the Wolf. | Law-Right is the right of the Male. Hebas Law of the Worldling @ reason, per- He may do what he will made Jungle-law all his own haps, is that the average Worldling is so very With his prey when he’s hunted it down;| He is free of all voice of the > Female’; and much like a ve especially in but he shouldn’t let pals see him kill. judged by the he-wolves alone. ness and greed for prey!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 8, 1804. | LYRE AND LANCET. A Story in Scenes PART X.—-BORROWED PLUMES. Scene X VIIL.—Unspersnets.’s Bedroom in the East Wing at Wyvern. Trwe— About 9 P.™. The Steward’s Room Boy (knocking and entering). Brought you ip some ‘ot water, Sir, case you'd like to clean up afore —e. Undershell. | presume evening dress is not indispensable in the Housekeeper's Koom ; but I can hardly make even the simplest toilet until you are good enough to bring up my portmanteau, Whereis it? | d Boy. 1 never 'eard nothink of no porkmantean, Sir! Und. You will hear a good deal about it, unless it is forthcomi at once. Just find out what’s become of it—a new portmanteau, with a white star painted on it. [The Boy retires, impressed ; an interval, Boy (re-appearing). | managed to get a few words with THomas, our second footman, just as he was coming out o’ the All, and he ez the only porkmanteau with a white star was took up to the Verney Chamber, which Taomas unpacked it hisself. Und, Then tell Tuomas, with my compliments, that he will trouble himself to pack it again imme- diately. Boy. But Taomas has to wait at table, and besides, he says as he laid out the dress things, and the gen’iman as is in the Verney Chamber is a wearin’ of ‘em now, Sir Und. indignant). But they're mine’ Confound his impu- dence! Here, / write him a line at once. He acrT thbles a note Here, see that the gentleman of the Verney Chamber gets this at once, and bring me his answer. Boy. What! me go into the Dinin’ ’All, with all the swells at FE; BZ A & WA | rd © t \ ir ee a table? Idura't. | should get the sack _—— from old Treppy. Und. I don't care who takes it so long as it is taken. Tell Tomas it’s Avs mis- take, and he must do what he can to put it right. Say I shall certainly complain if “Tt I don’t get back my clothes and portmanteau. Get that note delivered, and I'll give you half-a-crown. (Zo himself, as the Boy departs much against Ais will.) So, not content with denying me a place at her table, this Lady Cu iver allows her minions to clothe a more favoured guest at my expense! I’m hanged if I stand it Scene XVIIL—The Dining Hall. The table is oval ; SpcneErt is placed between Lady Knopa CoxaYye and Mrs, Brooxe-CaHatreris. Mrs. Chatteris encouragingly, after they are seated). Now, I shall expect you to be very brilliant and entertaining. J ’Il do all the lis- tening for once in a way—though, generally, | can talk about all manner of silly things with anybody / Spurrell (extremely ill at ease). Oh—er—I should say you were equal to that, But I really can't think of anything to talk about. Mrs. Chatt. That’s a bad beginning. | always find the menu cards such a good subject when there’s anything at all out of the I common about them. If they're ornamented, you can talk about them—though not for very long at a time, don’t you think ? Spurr. (miserably). | can't say how long I could go on about ornamented ones—but these are plain. (70 himself.) I can hear this waistcoat going already ; and we're only at the soup! Mrs. Chatt. It isa pity. Never mind; tell me about literary and artistic people. Do you know ]’m rather glad I’m not literary or people so queer-looking, somehow. , ; ooked queer—but generally, you You've made quite a success with your Andromeda, haven't l only go by what 1’m told—I don’t read much myself. We artistic myself—it seems to make Oh, of course I didn’t mean you know. Y you ? does seem to me such—well, such footle!”’ women have so many really serious matters to attend te—-errenging about dinners, and visits, and trying on frocks, and then ing about from party to y. I so seldom fet a quiet moment. 1 knew I wanted to you something. Did you ever know anyone called Lady GaisoLine ? Spurr. Lady—er—Gatsotine? No; can't say ldo, I know Lady Maisie, that’s all. = i ‘ ‘ Mrs. Chatt. Oh, and she was the original’ Now, that is excit- ing! But I should hardly have recognised her—“* lanky,” you know, and “slanting green eyes.” But I suppose you see everybody differently from other people? It’s having so much imagination. aresay J look green or something to you now—though really I'm not. Spurr. (to himself). I don’t understand more than sbout half she’s saying. (Aloud.) Oh, I don’t see anything particularly green about you. : Mrs. Chatt. (only partially pleased). 1 wonder if you meant that to be complimentary—no, you needn’t explain. Now tell me, is there any news about the reateship ? ho’s going to get it? Will it be Swrwsurye or Lewis Morris ? Spurr. (to himself). Never heard of the stakes or the horses either. (Aloud.) Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't been follow- ing their furm — too many of these small events nowadays. Mrs. Chatt.~ (to herself). It’s quite amusing how jealous these pets are of one another! (Alowd) Is it true they get a butt of sherry given them for it? Spurr. I've heard | of winners getting a bottle or two of cham- | p»gne in a backet— | not sherry. But a little stimulant won't hurt a crack when he comes ia, provided it’s not given him too soon ; wait till he’s ‘ot his wind and done lowing, you know. Mrs. Chatt. I’m taking that in. I know it’s very witty and satirical, and I daresay I shall un- derstand it in time. Spurr. Oh, it doesn’t matter much if you don’t. (To himself.) Pleasant kind of wo- | man—but a perfect fool to talk to! Mrs. Chatt. (to herself). 1’ve always heard that clever writers are rather stupid when you meet them—it’s quite true. Captain Thicknesse (to himself). 1 should iike her to see that I’ve got some imagination in me, though she does think me such an ass. (Aloud, to y Marstx.) Jolly old hall this is, with the banners, and | the gallery, and that—makes you fancy some of those old medieval Johnnies in armour—knights, you know—comin’ clankin’ in and turnin’ us all out. Lady Maisie (to herself). 1 do trust Mr. Srpuneect isn't saying something too dreadful. 1’m sure I heard my name just now. Aloud, absently, to Capt. Tu1cxnesse.) No, did you really? How | amusing it must have ! Capt. Thick. (aggrieved). If you’d done me the honour of payin’ any | attention to what I was sayin’, you'd have found out it wasn’t amusio’. | Lady M. (starting). Oh, wasn’t it? I’m so sorry I missed it. -I’m afraid I was thinking of something else. Do tell me again ! | Capt. Thick. (still hurt). No, I won’t inflict it on yon—not worth repeatin’. And I should only be takin’ off your attention from a | fellow that does know how to talk. Lady M. (with a guiltiness which she tries to carry off under | dignity). I don’t think T understand what you mean. é * Thick. Well, I couldn't —_ hearin’ what you said to your | poet-friend before we went in about having to put up with partners; _ and it * Aapeaes you may call flattering to a fellow’s feelin’s, being | t up wi ~ M. (hotly). It—it was not intended for you. You entirely erstood ! mi

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SeptemBer 8, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113 Capt. Thick. Daresay I’m very dense; but, even to my compre- | hension, it ’s plain enough that the reason why you weren't listenin’ | to me just now was that the Poet had the luck to say somethin’ that | you found more interesting. | Lady M. You are quite wrong—it’s too absurd ; I never even met | Mr. SeceRect in my life till this afternoon. If you really must | know, I heard him mention my name, and—and I wondered, naturally, what he could possibly saying. Capt. Thick, Somethin’ very charmin’ and poetical, I’m sure, and I’m makin’ you lose it all. Apologise—shan’t happen again. Lady M. Please be sensible, and let us talk of something else. Are you staying here nas ? Capt. Thick. You will be gratified to hear I leave for Aldershot to-morrow. Meant to have gone to-day. Sorry I didn’t now. Lady M. | think it was a thousand pities you didn’t, as you seem to have stayed on purpose to be as stupid and unkind as you possibly | can. os turns to her other neighbour, Lord LuLiineton. Mrs. Chatt. (to Capt. TuicknessE, who is on her other side), Oh, Captain Tuicknesse, what do you think Mr. Spcrret has just told me? You remember those lines to Lady Grisotrwe that Mr. Pretryer made such fun of this morning?’ Well, they were meant for Lady Marsiz! They’re quite old friends, it seems. So romantic ! ouldn’t you like to know how they came to meet ? Capt. Thick. Can’t say I’m particularly curious—no affair of mine, don’t you know. (Zo himself.) And she told me they’d never met before! Sooner I get back the better. Only in the way here. Lady M. (turning to him). Well, are you as ined to be | disagreeable as ever’ Oh, yes, I see you are! Capt. Thick. I’m hurt, that’s what it is, and I’m not clever at hiding my feelin’s, Fact is, I’ve just been told somethin’ that— | well, it’s no business of mine, only you might have been a little more frank with an old friend, instead of leavin’ it to come through some- body else. These things always come out, you know. | Lady M. (to herself). That wretch has talking! I knew he would! (Aloud.) I—I know I’ve been very foolish. If I was to tell you some time—— Capt. Thick, (hastily). Ok., no reason why you should tell me any- thing. Assure you, I—I’m not curious. | Lady M. In that case I shall certainly not trouble you. (Zo | herself.) He may think just what he pleases, J don't care. But, oh, if Mr. Spurrert dares to speak to me after this, I shall astonish him ! Lady Rhoda (to Srurze.t). I say—I am in a funk. Only just heard who I’m next to. I always do feel such a perfect fool when I’ve got to talk to a famous person—and you’re frightfully famous, aren’t you ? Spurr. (modestly). Oh, I don’t know—I suppose I am, in a sort of way, through Andromeda, Seem to think so Aere, anyhow. Lady Rh. Well, 1’d better tell you at once, I’m no good at Poetry—can’t make head or tail of it, some’ow. It does seem to me such—well, such footle. Awf'ly rude of me sayin’ things like that! Spurr. Isit? I’m just the same—wouldn’t give a penny a yard for Poetry, myself! Lady Rh. You wouldn’t? I am glad. Such a let-off for me! [ was afraid you’d want to talk of nothin’ else, and the only things I can really talk about are horses and dogs, and that kind of thing. Spurr. That’s all right, then. All I don’t know about dogs and heats you could put in a homeopathic globule—and then it would | rattle! Lady Rh, Then you’re just the man. Look here, I’ve an Airedale at home, and he’s losin’ all his coat and—— OF ae They converse with animation. Spurr. (later—to himself). 1 am getting on, I always knew I was made for Society. If only this coat was easier under the arms! Thomas (behind him—in a discreet whisper). Beg your pardon, answer. Spurr. (opening it, and reading). “ Mr. Garnip UNDERSHELL thinks that the gentleman who is occupying the Verney Chamber has, doubtless by inadvertence, put on ) : clothes. As he requires them immediately, he will be obliged by an early appointment being made, with a view to their return.” (7o ey Oh, Lor! en it wasn’t Sir “gy all! ous when I was beginning to enjoy my evening, too. t on earth am I to say to this chap? I can’t take ’em all off here! : [ He sits staring at the paper in blank dismay. The Wail of the Word-Spinner. ty ERE is nothing new under . > sun an © your j ist penny-a-lining an pry. And how on a man he * original ” When his days (and his nights) are devoted to “‘ copy” ? No, no, his ti will ne’er “ knock at the stars,” Who is tied to the spinning of ‘‘ leaders” and “* pars.” Sir, but I was requested to ’and you this note, and wait for an | r. UNDERSHELL’S evening | THE VOYAGE OF ALFRED. [See Mr. ALrrep Avustrn’s article, entitled “ That Damnable Country,” in Blackwood’s Magazine. | ** Lawn, land!” cried Atrrep Avustiy. “ By my halidom, I spy Many weary leagues we've wandered since we left our native Coking still through calm and tempest a remote and barren island, While we smote the sounding furrows of the ocean with our oars. “* Never wind availed to beat us; by the waters overweighted, Or becalmed, with idle canvas hang- ing loosely from the mast, Yet ws her or we — her with our courage And, our labours past and over, we have come to land at last. “Though the land be bleak and barren, though barbarians its dwellers, Let us add this last achievement to the record of our deeds : When the savage tribes come shout- ing as attackers and repellers, We can win the men with clothing and the women-folk with beads. ““There be savages in India as in Tierra del Fuego ; : There be savages in Zululand with shield and assegai ; We have tamed them, whether vannibals or fed on rice and sago— Shall a Briton ever flinch from such? No, by the Lord, not |!” On the land he had discovered thus the Poet Austin landed ; Maxco Poro or Cotumsus might have envied him the scene ; And in prose he has described it, in a language understanded Of the people, and has printed it in Blackwood's Magazne. The a we beautiful, so lovely that it dazed him ; 6) He thought their manners charming, and he rather liked their rain. He did not find them savages, which seems to have amazed him ; And he tells us all to visit them again and yet again. We thank you for the hints you give describing what you've seen ere, It really is amazing ; but ——(a whisper in your ear) You ’re not the first discoverer, for some of us have been there, And shaken hands with Irish folk before the present year. But in your precious article your wonder you exhaust in Describing how an Irishman can really be polite : “* Behold,” you say, “ the Irishman as patronised by Avstiy ; He is not black, though painted so—in fact he’s rather white.” Don’t patronise so much, dear A. I do not say you write ill ; But oh that awful title, with its most offensive D : Devoutly do I hope, dear A., you'll find a better title, And write a wiser article when next you cross the sea, Srupies rrom THE New-pe.—The rage for ‘‘ New”-ness, which commenced with the New Humour, is extending to the theatres. The New Boy now has for a competitor The New Woman, What matters, so long as neither is a Nui-S’ance ? ‘* Finest English!” ** By their fruits ye shall know them,” these vendors of peaches, Tomatoes, and cob-nuts, and currants cherries ; But what we yet lack is the wisdom that teaches Detection of fraudulent fruits, nuts, and berries, Which come from abroad, to the Britisher’s table All marked “* Finest English!” that lying old label ! A Trade Mark is wanted—to badge these fale brutes, That Butt may not only know them but their fruits. Tue Seven Aces or Man.—(Cot-age (Infaney), Trot-age (Nursery Toddler), Hot-age (Youth), Shot-age (Sport), Knot-age (Matrimo- nial), “* Pot” -age (Celebrity), and Dot-age (Senility). Tae Rear Fatt oy May.—Falling in love! |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Serremper 8, 1894, ‘Sm. LF — we \ HOLIDAY CHARACTER STUDIES. Stanley Bounderson (née Martha Fullalove, the Liverpool heiress), ‘‘Wuat wovu.tp Doapy po, IF BIS LOVING LITLE WIFEY CARRY HIS GREAT HEAVY WATERPROOF FOR HIM WHEN IT LEAVES OFF RAINING, AND HE WANTs TO SmukE?” Wr. Stavley Bounderson (alias Doady). **H&'D Canny IT HIMSELF, I sUPPosE!” Jones, @.C. (aside to Mrs, Jones). ** Y"s ; AND BE TWICE AS FOND OF HIS LITTLE WIFRY INTO THE BARGAIN, You BET!” [ Which is best, to love much, like Mrs. S. B., or be much loved, like Mrs, J. ? Mrs DIDN T | DON’T “COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS”! | | Orn, Tae Steery Sace axp THe Biamerve Eraroriays. A Sea-side Sketch in September. Scent—A Sea-shore in holiday time. Paesent—A Skepy Sage in holiday attire. Sleepy Sage (soliloquises), “‘ Here cease more questions,” as my | prototype Prospero says. Why, cert’nly! Here cease—for the time being —e// questions, especially political ones, ‘* burning ”’ ones, | as the perorating parrots of Party controversy—confound ’em !—cal] | them. Question me no questions! Ask me no questions, and I'll | give you no snubs, “ Thou art inclined to sleep,” continues Prospero, I am. “*Tis a good dulncss And give it way.” I shall. Dulness of course ‘in a Shakspearian sense.” Like Bottom, ‘I have an exposition of sleep come upon me,” but the ** captain of my dreams” is not that of the egregious weaver. Pheugh! ‘tis torrid! Nune est bibendum! Where's that wine-cup lying couched in—sand* Good! Guggle—quggle - le! The very glug-glug of lapsing liquor is soporific as the sou a | “ Silver rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sing madrigals.” | Sweet ‘‘ Swan,” thy music runneth in my head to-day. | the buzzings of the political Bumble-B's, the bray of Barr—— but | no matter! "Tis a season when, in sugary summer mood, one wishes soft slumbers even to the blaring Bottoms of thehour. “* Blessed be | the man who invented sleep!” Right, good Sancho ! | “Oh sleep! it is a blessed thing, | Beloved from pole to pole!” True, oh Ancient Mariner! Come, lord of stretched ease and night- capped noddles. (Drowses.) Better than Enter certain ebony Minstrels, of sham Ethiopian sort, on raucous row —muscalled popular muswc—eagerly intent, | | First Minstrel (seftly). Hist! He's here! Second M. ( pianissimo). See He slumbers! ! | Third M. (sotto voce). Now have we Him at vantage!!! | Toby ( fortissimo). Yap! Yap! Yap! | Sleepy Sage (drowsily). Down, Dog of dogs, down, Sir! : [Tosras, albeit reluctantly, ‘* downs” accordingly. First M. Say, what shall we tip him? ‘The Chucker-Out”? | Second M. Or “Linger longer Lulu!”? Or “Get your Har- | sourt!’”? Or “ The Grand Old Man who shied’’? First M. Or “‘ My Poll and my ‘ Preponderant Partner’ John”? | Or ** My Pretty Primrosers ” ? : Pn M. Or “The Hum of B’s”? Or “* The Tin Gee (Jay) | ee’ Third M. By Jabers, no, let's give him something Hibernian— | for a change! . (aside). For a change ? Third M. (sings fortissimo)— My name is Parricx Leary, From the town New Tipperary. The heart of Brit O’ Brew I’m a thorn in. But for my long-promised pay, I must wait another day, ; For the Peers have chucked me cruel snd wid scornin’ ! Chorus :-— To my woes could they be coulder ? me yp ——— could — yr ! iv ‘o the -campaigners I'm a warnin’. Faix! I've lately tuk the notion I must cross the broiny ocean, ; And seek funds in Philadelphy some foine mornin’. Toby (exploding). Yap! yap!! yap!!!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI—Serremser 8, 1894.

ney ao

% ’ yw yey Sa A] PL. \ cain? 7 av we APs,” Ot < |

DON'T “COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS”! Mr, P. (sleepily), *“*GO AWAY—GO AWAY!—I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!”

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| Serrescona 8, 1894.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 117 a Sleepy Sage (stirring, and muttering). When my cue comes, call me and I will answer. y next is ) »- Fill-dyke.” Hey! ho! B-rtL-y-Quixce! B-w1-s the bellows-blower! As-m-ap the State- tinker! We-xtheinterrogative! Gad's my life! stolen away and left me asleep! I have had a most rere vision! I have had a dream,— past the wit of man (as Bottom and the G. 0. M. both put it) to say what dream it was: man is but an assif he go about to expound this (Irish) dream. Methought I was—there is no man can tell what. Methought I was, and methought I had,—but man is but a patched fool, if he offer to say what I had. Meseemed I was a sort of Hi an of man hath not seen, man’s hand is not able to taste, his tongue to conceive, nor his heart to report what I wasenamoured of. I will get one of my young men to write a ballad of this Hibernian Midsummer- Madness Dream ; it may well be called Botfom’s Dream, because it hath no bottom, It seemed to be suggested by, and to be set to, music of a musie-hally sort. tripping but thunderous and thrasonic, and—— (rubs his eves). Hillo!!! (To the three minstrels tuning up for another try.) Who inthe name of Nox are you? I twig, I twig! Cacophony incarnate, Shindy in soot, triple-headed Cerberus of Row, I know you! Getout!!! Have I not had enough of you in town ever since February, but that you must impudently intrude upon my holiday quiet, my rural rest, my sea-side seclusion ? Don’t come unto these yellow sands, Corked mugs and hands ! Hook it! You will not be missed. Off ! off! well-hissed ! Foot it featly anywhere, So I’ve not your burden here, Hark! hark! (Burden.) Bow-wow!!! (Dispersedly.) (Dispersedly.) ’Tis Toby's bark ! (Burden.) Bow-wow!!! Hark! Listen! Hear! Clear out, each cork-smudged Chanticleer ! Get out, and leave me—po ! [ Exeunt Blameful Ethiopians ignominiously. Sage again com- poses himself to sleep. SAPPHICS ON TRAFFIC. (A Lover of London toa Weary Would-be Wayfarer.) Lover of London. Wovlp-s8 wayfarer! little think the proud ones Wh» in their coaches roll along the turnpike- Road, what hard work ’tis trying all day for Pimlico, Or Piccadilly. Teil me, wayfarer, how these Omnibuses, Growlers, and Hansoms, carts and vansof PickFrorD, » Slithering slowly over the slippery asphalte, Manage a journey ! Lingering loitering is not Locomotion ! Paroxysms of crawl and block alternate, Call you these Traffic! Civie Would-be Wayfarer. Traffic’? Why bless you! We have none worth calling so; ’Tisn’t a thing expected in London City. This sluggish crawling varied with stoppage is all that We may attain to. What with the narrow labyrinths miscalled thoroughfares, What with the sewers and Fe. the water and telegraphs, Traffic is simply a species of lingering agony, In the Metropolis ! Something is always “‘ up,” Sir, pipe-layers, paviors, Stirrers of most malodorous witch-broth pee ey Makers of shindy and stench, with poor old Babylon, Play up old Gooseberry ! Caste and Councils, Couaationgs wpa a yr ways reporting, writing, ral concerning It ; Nothing comes of it all save chaos complicate, And higher ratings. Cheapside, Fleet Street, Strand, all j-impassable, Searcely a “* eht-oty a rad in af the Cipital As for the “‘ affluents”’ of our ed arteries, They are chock-blockical ! Titania enamoured of—— But the eye of man hath not heard, the ear | —. slow trailing through attenuate tho- | roughfares, | | | | | | | SaLoMAN wisely says the traffic of London Isn’t mere | matter—ought to be national. Hope we may get some from wisdom of SaLoman !— Hardly expect it, though. Far too long a prey to the power of Bumbledom ! Hope too long deferred has made me a Pessimist. Traffic? Merits the name as much as these stanzas do That of true Sapphies, Sir! Lover of London, You back such bunglers’ I would see them blowed first— Duffers no civic spirit can rouse to competence, Paltry, preposterous, pettifogging, pottering, aunchy Panjandrums ! A SONG FOR THE SLOGGER. (By One who has seen him Smite.) [During the Scarborough Cricket Week, Mr. C. 1, Tnorwron, the champion slogger of England and enthusiastic supporter of the sport, wae presented with a silver trophy, representing himeelf at the wicket, as a memento of the great part he taken in the Scarborough Festival since its institution in 1869. bg J in the second innings of M. C. C. against Yorkshire, Mr. Thonwron batted as energetically as ever, and twice drove the ball out of the ground.) Great THornton the slogger, it comes as a jogger To memory this tale of your trophy well merited. Great t! how time’s flitting. Your gift of tall-hitting, hich no one—save Bornorn— has fully iaherited You showed e’en at Eton. It has not been beaten. You'd why even Jrnvu ** furious driving.” Not dashing O’ Baren could lick the old Lion Of Cambridge, whose fire is still plainly surviving. The ~ of the Million, you've cleared the pavilion, And spanked the ball many times . ** over the paling,” Here’s health to you “* Buns!” may you some, I of runs, And oft stir the crowd with your spirit unfailing. How often I'd watch when they ** bowled for a catch,” And you gave ’em one, truly, but in the next rish! You’d run up your h , while “ all the world wondered,” In less than an hour, Sir, a pace wear-and-tearish. Though pedants demur, mighty smiting wi stir, So ‘‘ more power to your elbow,” great Slogger of Sixes ! Ah! if you should play in the Shades some fine day, The Elysium Fields, in the old Oval way, They must “spread,” and you'll then clear the bounds, though they’re Styx’s! !! at QUEER QUERIES, Curaryess and Licnt.—Will some reader kindly inform me what is the best way of recovering the expenses I have recently been put to in a most unpleasant Norwegian tour? Norway is said to be a cheap country, so I think 1 was not unreasonable in expecting to be able to sce Christiania, Bergen, Trondhjem, and the North Cape, with all the principal fiords and glaciers, for a five-pound note. But I was bitterly disappointed. As for the Midnight Sun, it is a com- plete fraud, have considered myself lucky if I had seen a mid-day sun more than once or twice in my tour. Ought not the companies who advertise for tourists to explain that the Norse moun- tains are only ~ 4 as high as those in itzerland? Then I was assured the hotel charges would be only half as high too; but I found that it was impossible to get supper, a breakfast for less than half-a-crown anywhere! Comment is needless. I have just returned home, and find that I have actually spent, during only three weeks’ travel, exactly £8 10s. 74d. I had a miserable to Hull. Whom ought I to sue? Penisn SCANDINAVIA. NOT by ‘‘a Popular Baronet.” Ow streams whose course one must not block A weir is found hard by a lock ; At Westminster it They ’d like a lock upon thor Weir.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Seerempee 8, 1894. | FLPOMENE j i ~ AMATEUR DRAMATIC civ8 sangeet Stage-Mansger (to Nervous Amateur), Gor kip or tus Srace Frieart” Nervous Amateur. ** Yue; SHE 's JUST GONE UP TO HER DREssIxG-ROOomM !” DOGS’ MEET. Tue annual Canine Congress ed yester- day in the Isle of Dogs. Should the weather prove favourable it is expected that the re- union will be most successful. The Presi- dential Address was delivered A. New- | FOUNDLAND, Esq., winner of the a: prize in | a recent Crystal Palace Show. The President, who was received general tail-wagging and yelping, o that a statement had recently a peared | in the public Press to the effect that there were two million dogs in the United Kingdom. (Sen- sation.) Yes, he was so informed by his employer's soullery maid, in whom he had inal confidence, as she always — very liberally towards bim in the matter of bones. (Applause.) What he wanted to know was, did all these dog« pay their licences, as ought to do? (General barking.) ‘All dogs who did not pay should be “* collared ”—either by their employers or the police. (Barks and with some dissent.) If there were millions of their race, it could hardly be denied that the United Kingdom deserved the title of the true ** Dogs’ Home.” (Lang But they bad several crying—he meant rye ing—grievances. In the first place there | were too many mongrels about. (Growls.) | Yes, in their case multiplication was vexa- tion. (A laugh.) He would put it to the common sense of the meeting. Obviously two 4 ed there was only a certain oly of bones in the country. Well, the fewer the more bones would there be for the remainder. (Barks of assent.) Then, as to the excellent legal doctrine, the Palladium of their liberties, that “‘ Every dog may have one bite.” He was sorry to see that some magistrates had been inclined to throw doubt on the justice of this maxim, and he hoped the Lorp Caan- CELLOR fly at those he meant remove them. (Barks.) Another point te which he must refer was that there was a tendency to put them off with imported bones. Now, Ae was a Conservative (barks), and he believed in the good roast beef of Eng- land. (Barks and whining.) He regretted, ers used an inferior too, that many emplo owls.) If there were kind of biseuit. ( one form of food more lsive than another it wasthe finde siécle dog biseuit. ( Laughter.) Had it any meat in it at = P (* No. mye Was it composed chiefly of bad animal fat and bran? (“* Yes.”) There was yet one more grievance he had to mention. On days (Aerwls) it was sad to think that their | dignity should be lowered by having to sub- mit to a coat of lather. In this matter some otherwise excellent amplozes s seemed afflicted with rabies. (Barks.) He would leave it to the consideration of the Congress whether a universal strike against the ae he had enumerated should be organised [ Loud and general bar At the close of i President’s pr tenn gress adjourned for the day. Fees have been promised on ‘‘ Cats, and How to Tackle them, m on ** The ‘Temptation ke by Cyclists’ Calves,” on * Hygienic Kennels.” A very attractive pro- | gramme of excursions to el of interest in the vicinity has also been ee Members of the Congress will be enabl to swim over to the — ride of tw Th - Fay! ome at Battersea, if the anager will admit them. A happy day amon Se | deer in Greenwich Park is contempla Barking will of course receive a visit. Alto- |gether, if the police do not interfere, a | thoroughly en — outing is anticipated. ‘THE ( URSE. 4 Pascmaee A ta Iycotpsny. > >. re arose > with a menacing look. not for candle, for bell, or for book Bat in terrible tones, growing gruffer a gruffer, He solemnly cursed that deluded Old Buffer! He cursed him at board, he cursed him in bed, | From his buniony feet to his shiny bald head; | He cursed him in sleeping, that every — He should — burglars and wake in a He cursed toy - _cating, he cursed him in drink With towable, “depen and a of * sink | Des 8 He cursed him in Faaiiies in a f ‘Wet, Orv Cuar, H)W ARE YOU FEELIXG Now! ta patiog end potiog. , in freezing and frying, living and longing for ro 4 | He ss harshly from home, couc cook, His favourite chair, and his best-beloved book (smoke, r rom afternoon snooze, and from cv even | From old- fashioned ** rubber,” elderly joke | From gettesing round in his trim-bedded garden, {churchwarden ; From down-at-heel slippers, old coat, ae him to dress in swell togs void of To hurry sod 0 scurry, to crowd and tpoqucese; To horrible burdens and journeys of length, ager 5 ly trying to temper anes ea ise, to t jire, Te wet Ts he didn’t yt le Never was heard such a horrible curse ! But what may give rise To some little surprise, This curse, at which courage may shiver and It only condemned the Old Buffer to take His Annual Holiday !! Wheat can be worse?

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Szptempeer 8, 1894] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVYARL 119 THE VACUOUS TIME. “ Sea-serpents are now in season, and running ee lenge" The Uniwensed Victualler.) Let Cowes delight in ues that bite Their furrows o'er the fallow main, Careering round the Isle of Wight, And ultimately home again. Some men may go to Westward Ho! And potter gravely through the greens, Or lease a little moor, and blow The harmless grouse to smithereens ; Or flit across to fjord and fos, And captivate the toothsome trout Or hack initials on a schloss, And chuck their orange-peel about. Let some repair to regions where, Beneath the usual Southern moon, The nigger in his native lair Raises the Alabama coon. A few may fly to far Shanghai, Or Argentine, if they prefer, And earn a paltry pittance by Reporting facts that don’t occur. While others hail the Dover mail, Humming the airs of quaint Yvette, And prove upon a private scale What life is like @ la Villette ; Or haply land upon a strand Where trim grisettes are clustered thie’, Watch the iscuous bathers, and Observe that things are pas-ing chic. I a of a pretty wets ere people go to get the view; It is indeed, S Dr. Watts Sublimely said, their nature too. But there are some for whom the hum Of toil habitually throbs ; Adhesive as a patent gum They stick to their respective jobs. When heather blows, and houses close, And London is described as bare, (Though some odd millions, I suppose, Remain invariably there) ; Pounding away serenely, the With pious humour caile at fate ;— I make allusion, need one say, To members of the Fourth Estate. In deadly dearth of copy worth Inserting they resort to Mars, Or Marriage-failure here on earth, As matter for expansive “* pars.” For them the prize sea-worms arise from eleven months of sleep, Flatter a Correspondent’s eyes, And fairly hurtle through the deep. And still they choose from subtle clues To weave their exegetic wit, ing the nation all the news, even what to think of it. Meanwhile afloat, or far remote, The public who attains to miss the day can dote Illogic in Liquor. Mem, by a Muser. How paradoxical the wa of Town! To “liquor up” means pouring liquor down. And “ i treat” means, with the bibulous a each other till they cannot “*E DUNNO OU IL EST.!” Passenger from London (as the Train runs into the Gare du Nord, Paris), “ Ou—sgn—I say —ER—GARSONG ! KEL AY LE NOMME DU SET PLASs!” “OUT WE GO.” Just as we begin to know grou ** mummers ” mean— and * God save the Queen !” Out we go. Just as we begin to know, Bat in hand, the bowler’s style— _ “How's that?” With a sickly smile, Out we go. Just as we begin to know The time we must ** break the bank ”— Bah! We have ourselves to thank. Out we go. Just as we begin to know That the whisky is sublime— ** Gentlemen, it’s closing time!” What the Curtain ! Out we go. Just as we begin to know We can drive the frisky mare— Bump! Crash! ‘ Mind youreye!” “ Takeo care!” Out we go! Just as we begin to know We are bound to head the poll— **Whew! Too bad, upon my soul!” Out we go. Just as we begin to know In our boy’s heart we've a | Ah! here comes Miss Prerrrrace! Out we go. Just as we begin to know How to fight this world of sin— Ugh! the doctor bustles in. Out we go.

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Serrempee 8, 1894. TO HER MOTHER. On, you meddlesome old lady! * Téte and Braidy ” Is a pun Not my own—but how I’ve said that Of your head that Spoilt the fun! And you had a splendid chance to At that dance too How I shun Plaited hair like yours, that popping In, and stopping, Spoilt the fun ' 1, not being like you wealthy Know the stealthy, Sneaking dun ; ce my fortune is not grand, you Snubbed me, and you Spoilt the fun ! “ur When your daughter fancied flirting Was that hurting Anyone * And | helped her, she was not you. No, Great Seott ' you Spoilt the fun ! ‘ A \ i ow Se CA Undisturbed upon the staircase, Qluite a rare case Finding none there, we sat so happy, But you, snappy, Spoilt the fun! Others When I thought I had a greater Chance to, later, Be your son. And she blushed and smiled so sweetly, You com plete ly Spoilt the fun! Lastly 1, in some secluded Spot, concluded I had won, Called her by her Christian name Still you came and Spoilt the fun ! and lax Latest Prece or News (at the Co- medy).—The New Woman and “The Old Women” are very much alike; especially The New Woman. ROBERT ON AMERRYCANS. What I have s admired em since I fast made) aquaintence with the real Gent as I used to | wait upon at the Grand Otel at Cherring Cross, and he was a reel Gent if ever there was one! Well, I was atending upon jest such another gent at quite a grand Party the other night ; and, when it was all over, the principle Gennel- man came up to | meand interduced me to him as an Amerrycan Gent as wanted to speak | to me, and he then acshally told me | as how as my little Book was about one of the most populerest in all the United | States! And he then arsked me how many copies we had sold? And when I thort as I shoud estonish him by telling him as I be-| leeved as it was sumthing about seventeen thowsend, he said as how as that was nothink | to what he should have xpected, for a hunderd | thowsend would not have surprised him! for | he had bin told as how as one of their werry leadingest men, I rayther think as he said it| was the Pressident, or a great friend of his | whenever he was a good deal bothered about State matters, allers called for a copy of “ Robert,” for it was quite sure to put him all to rites again, and send him to bed with a jolly larf! Well, I thort as this was all pritty well, | but he aeshally finished up by arsking me | whether I coudent write another wollum jest like the other! for he was sure as any of their grate Publishers coud sell any quantity of em! speshally if they thort it woud take the | shine out of the Englisher by saying it was |by Wasninecnam! He then introjuced me to another Am , and asked him what he thort of his plan? To which he replied that he didn’t know much about publishing, but he was quite sure there was nothink in that or in any other matter in which an Amer- ryean coud not lick all creation! And then they both went away larfing ! Tho what there was to larf at in such a werry serious matter as they had bin a tork- ing about I’m sure I can’t make out, the more so as I ain't heard a single word from em since, and even thinks it werry possible as I never to say I had a most wunderful fellers them Amerrycans is! | } Stran, —— t Ger I was reelly in merry ving a conwersation with a kaya Publisher all about an Amer- can “‘ Robert”! and jest as we was aranging all about the price, and the number of THE PIOUS LYNCHER’S CREED. (Adapted from the Biglow Papers for the benefit of parsonic defenders of the pleasant prac- tice of Lynching.) I pv believe in righteous Law— Save when it Hate em But I du hate the holy jaw Of them plump British Pharisees ! No White Man ought untried to swing, Be grilled, or sliced to jigmers ; Bat Lynch Law is a kind o° thing That quite agrees with niggers! I du believe “* beans” I may give Repeats e right re Save as I chance to please, Sir ; It aint no use to cant to me— If you'd a cowhide whip shun— conscience or humanity, Or rot of that description. I du believe the wust o’ trash Is talk o’ Christian kindness ; The *‘coons” we'll hang, or roast, or thrash, In wrath’s red fits o’ blindness. We'll rule, if not with rope and ball, Why then with stake and scorcher. Lynch Law, to make it stick at all, Must be backed up by— Torture ! DANGEROUS DOCTRINE. Tart animals feel little pain Science suggests—with scanty proof. Shall the hu- mane then lift in vain Their voice in animals’ It is a pleasant thing to think The horse we flog, the fish Feel li “my ‘eel little pain although they shrink; , But does coo science know its book ? ped os ae € poor crim a : Can't tell us that they rather The dog smiles not as at a joke pei When harsh Brit Srxes will kick or strike it. Man is an animal, after all, And if his faith is absolute That pain hurts not the “* animal,” He’ll very soon become—a brute! moke, eit; LINES BY A LAZY BODY. (M. Sr. Hitaree, the French politician, who is ninety years of age, and still active, says :—“ If you want to live to be old, be always at work, and dili- Wolumes, and the way he was to send me all the money, [Zsuddenly woke, and found myself a lying by the side of Mrs. Rozert! and about as m i as ewer I found myself in all my long life! Rosert. Grumpy. | SmeLrunevs at new customs carps, He says ** New Women” are * Old Cats” ; | Society soon will be be all “* sharps,” Living in “* flats.” | Morro ror Me. Hatt-Carwe.—“ The | proper, study of mankind is (the Isle of) an! gently. Do not listen to those who aspire to save | enough money to rest. They are lazy bodies.””] |’Trs hy Pe a of the Lazy, I heard him com- sg is nonagenarian nonsense n, Won't do! This mere love of | ity ’s vain, Although natural, doubtless, in one sense. | The secret of Age, St. Hrtarre may have told ; | The secret of Youth can he give? We'd learn, not to live to be awfully old, But how to keep young while we live! No, no, chatty nonagenarians! Loan us The gift of Aurora, not that of Tithonus.” **Ratrowat Dress ror THE IRRATIONAL.” —A penitential sheet, and a foolscap Phrygian fashion.

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — Sepremnge 8, 1894. OF ALL DEALERS. ‘Martell’s _BOTeE ED In —_ SAVORY and MOORE'S BEST FOOD ror INFANTS Ties, ls., 2.; Se., and 10s,, everywhere. Medals; Paris, 1878: JOSEPH GILLOTT'S Larkin ct DENS CHI S aa icity gy bey ~etiiaey "Wokes sarepe vine Se carts CORDON HOTELS. || Baer Grand, rile arate | Engne rere ".. t's And of all first-class Caterers in the United n, m-. “ Suptrior Vintage Wings of Italy.” LONDON, E.C. “CO. 0. M.” * s *. Cugiovs Oo Matt. The finest type of DUBLIN WHISKY obtainable. Over 50 feat®? estaDlished reputation. Cates of 1 dow. bottles free fo all Railway Stations on receipt of 50s. ANDREWS & 06., DAME 8T., DUBLIN, fole I of c. 0. = Brand. london Office— 12, Joux Sraert, Ape.rnt. OLD. This Gram Old W wickey a blend Stills. 26s. the Gall., 60s. the Dozes. Cash only. Sample bottle post free on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 8d. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 4 and 25, HART ST. KLOOMSBURY, WC. old by all LAaowe Mancwsnrs throughout sOls ahd the Coron ies. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY y CHAMPAGNE. YOUR CHILDR; ‘DERIDCE'S PA ATENT canxwen OO Greatest Durability, are Therefore CHEAPEST. A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE FOR I A M A R CONSTIPATION, . Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loans of Appetite, Gastric and ] N DI E N Intestinal Troubles, Headache. GRILLON. London: 47; Southwark Street, 8.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMIBIS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. 6a. 4 Dox. EPPS’S |sQuiRe’s GOGCOAINE.|. CHEMICAL COCOA-NIB EXTRACT. rketink | DELICATE ’ A i rage Faget now with CHILDREN. FOOD. Ta fa5 vee of tee. In Bottlés, 24., 3a, 64., & Gs, each. with- AT ALL CHEMISTS AND STORES, out ing the system. and of Sor ix Pack#re avo Tuxt sy Gnocems, Listccen : F ss & 60: ia, SQUIRE & SONS, Horthopathtc Chemist#, Lo Her Majesty's Chemists, 413, OXFORD STREET. LONDON. . OOP tBog * a? oer rr Lid \ «J + aekat 7 ‘e ere Bold only in |-ounce Packets, and *, 4. S-ounce, and |-Ib. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in fine smoking condition. ‘Ask at all Tobacco Sellers’, Stores, &e., and take no other SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED ACAINST IMITATIONS, Thé Genuine bears the Trade-Mark, “ Nottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tin. PLAYER'S WAVY CUT CICARETTES, in Packets and Tins only, containing 12, 24, 50, and 100. The following extract from the “ Review or Reviews,” Nov., 1990, is of interest to every Smoker THE Fire 5 THE WORKHOUSE. —The picture drawn by iehres of bom of the poor old man in the workhouse, patmag aw al an empty pipe, has toucned the hearts eof eur corresponaen ts Une Shoekees hom « the High Alps, and signs himself “ Old Screw.” says: “1 have been struck with your su estion in the ¢ of the KMeview of Keviaws for & eneme to ply emokers in UNion Wor pemeee wise ey atrasd,) oe weeny samotogia, ) om Gp an oie of morvais, as t | | er gitéa we charity thie seneme of poumapgeels appeas at once to “y thies : tAT os chovese book oe. Were (it London. I woaie once start a collecting box tor fund, J contributions for it on My smoking acqGaintances, pul, peeeeeee? SY patinoes com tise cena the Continent for the next nine mon’ ever, 40 a littie, the er, pound of what | consider the BEST BMOKIXG TOMAUCOD, vit, towe, therefore, a cneq ue for the amount. THE GORDON HOTELS CO., Lid. Aave contracted with Messrs. J. SCHWEPPE & CO. (Lid.) Sor the entire supply of their Coltbvated MINE RAL WATERS Seda Water, Povass, Itser, Lemonade, Se.) atall their English and Metropole Hotels, London, which will also be suppliel exclusively with SCHWEPPES Waters at expiration (next Autumn) of the present con- tract, and where ia the meantime they can be obtained (f specially ordered, MAPPIN & WEBB'S TABLE KNIVES. ‘KODAK These fanols hand or tripod cameras, whilst embodying the most advanced ideas in camera cdustraction, are the simplest and most compact Photographic insiru- | ments made. Raaait guitable for boy or girl, novice | in p! onrapby, or photographic expert. Yrom 1 to 100 pictures can be made | without eo y recotnmended by travellers in all % the globe. Prices from £1: 6:0 to £22: 1: ©, IMustrated Catalogue free on application. | Manufactured solely by EASTMAN Photographic Materials Co. Ltd., | tig-t17 OXPORD ST., LONDON. PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. | THE SMALL HINDOO PEN. (JUST OUT.) With aligns t, in three grades, |, 7, and 5, o fit ordinary Penholder “The Hindoo Pen is inestimable Nevery Reporter (4, end is, per Box, at all Stationers temple Hox of all kinds, la 14 by Most MACHIVEN & CAMERON, Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. lenmakers to lies y Majesty's Government Cfiecs SS SS & ay ee “pat heen, Soe com i of science and medical skill have brought | tolight.”” Sufferers from Scrofula, Reurvy, Eczema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Dis ree kind, are sol | to it a trial to test ite value oerywhene, at 2+, fd. per bottle, Beware

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Serremper 8, 1894 NICOLE OUTFITTER. LADIES’ TAILOR TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. “114 To 120, REGENT STREET, & 22, CORNHILL, LONDON. PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. MOSLEY &T.. MANCHESTER. 39, NEW ST., BIRMINGHAM. 50, BOLD S8T., LIVERPOOL THE LARGEST SELECTION OF MATERIALS IN LONDON. GENTLEMEN. LADIES. wTer Surtines from £3 3s. Coatines, OVER- Srécratite Ripixe Hasitrs from £65 5s. s, and TROUSERINGS of the best manufacture. | Nicowt'’s Sarety Habits render i 8 world-famed OVERCOATS; every de- | absolutely impossible. n and size kept in stock, inclading the new NICOLL'S tailor-made CostumEs for Autumn and » Coat, from £2 2s travelling wear from £5 15s. 6d., in original designs. R-LINED OveRrcoats from £8 18s. 6d. Gour and TRAVELLING CapEs in great variety. eee worn warns. (GOLD PENS i — from 4s. each. nine hours each. In | GOLD PENS boxes containing eight | THE ONLY PERFECT DIPPING PEN. IF vou coUuUGH Lights. 84. per box GOLD PENS TAKE GOLD AXD IRIDIUM POINTED. N.B No water tor Miliary Porpoees ; required. SUITABLE GO Lo PENS T3 —T. a FLES, CERAUDEL § PASTILLES, ~_ LD PENS be . ; THE GREAT HOUSEHOLD REMEDY FOR CLARKE’S “PYRAMID” | vventastiNe IX Wear. | Tareet Sonceogualied for rapeanny of tee. hs. © h, WURSERY-LAMP FOOD- | GOLD PENS COLTS REVOLVERS =| “RSI na. Hoarsenc » Infiuonae, WARMER. IMPROVES THE HANDWRITING. eieee ye > free. Veoles, ang alt {prem Chest, 6, Bi, and @)- each. GOLD PENS 4, Clambouse 8. VTimEAnias 00. Cirees, ‘Londen, W. nd Lung Troub All aanenannens Pannikins | 4 rorOOLD PENS. CRAMP 2 ns 6 DOue, Daren on Admirable in voice aletions absorption, u ae Se Tuan & a Pee | OOO Ee ae TO SMOKERS. of 72 Pastilles, 1s other Dangerous Material | GOLD PENS FLOR DE DIND U Chemists, 0” dmc, on receipt used in the manufacture of MADE a, Lng ev —)~ ~~ oeTLe. mee, Li indian fan CiGAl, the Wholesale Dépét, these Lights. Manik, TODD, "2 BARD, Manufacturers of Gold them better _ FASSETT & JOHNSON wan” Fountain Yr * Pens, em) fax Went, CLABEZ'S PYRAMID & PAIRY LIGHT 6O., Ltd., | [SEAS uC nnd Sha, Mecess Srecer, W. mtand' te. itive 2 ways. Sew ay. 32, Snow Hill, Londen, E.c. CKICKLL WOOD, LONDON, N.W [Piccadilly End). | Established 1645.) | Songie Strand se apestins Est. 17 ee PR THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE BUT!! A NEW USE| FOR AN OLD AND UNIVERSAL SANITARY REMEDY. | ame | LIKE A MAN. The Prompt Mother of Useful Knowledge NECESSITY; Its best use WISDOM!! “I have just received a letter from a friend (@ Military Chaplain) in India, who relates the following anecdote. A police officer and some friends were out tiger shooting in the Jungle (at Bareilly, N.W.P.) with several elephants, One elephant was taken seriously iil, and they did not know what to give it or what to do with it. A young officer said he always took ENO'S ‘FRUIT SALT’ when he felt bad, and it always did him gond. ‘ Well,’ they said, ‘have you gotany!’ ‘Yes. I have a new botile.’ ‘Well, fetch it.’ So the ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ was brought, and after a consultation it was lccided to give the elephant adose, So they emptied the whole bottle into a pail of water and stirred it up, and the elephant tossed it off like « man, and was soon after all right again. “I have myself derived great benefit from ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ and feeling sure the ab>ve will interest you,—I remain, Dear Sir, yours faithfully, JUNGLE.—BLackHgaTH, July, 1894.” D*®4"ine AN OVERDRAFT ON THE BANK OF LIFE.—Excitement, feverish colds, chills, fevers, blood poisons, throat irritation, etc., late hours, fagged, unnatural excitement, breathing impure air, too rich food, alcoholic drink, gouty, rheumatic, and other blood poisons, infleensza, sleeplessness, bilicusne s, sick headache, skin eruptions, pimples on the face, want of appetite, sourness of stomach, ete. _s ENO'S “ FRUIT SALT.” It preve its diarrhaa, and removes it in the early stages. It is pleasant, covling, health-giving, refreshing ané invig rating. | The value of ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” cannot be told. Its suecess in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, and Australia proves it. | CAUTION.—Ezxamane each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO’S “FRUIT SALT.” Without it you have been imposed on bya | worthless and occasionally poisonous imitation, Sold by all Chemists. ‘aii only at ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON, 8.E., by J. C. ENO’S PATENT. J mted by W liliem Staart Smith, of No 90, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex. at the Printing Offices of . (esers. bradbury, Agnew. & Co., Limited, Lombard Strevt, in the Frecinct of Whitetriar, im the City of Lonéon, and poblished Uy’ him ot ie. Oh Pieet Sersee, in the Parish of Ot. insde, City ct Leoceas-Sarvased, Guptamber®, 10ts |THE ELEPHANT TOSSED IT OFF | | | |