Punch 1894-08-18: Vol 107 Iss 2771

Page 1

—_ ee Od@ice, is, includina Postage, iSs. ¥d. + PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. PICTURES pubtisnea.| PICTURES FROM “PUNCH” —— From “PUNCH” Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper. S) r y/ N° 2771. VOLUME CVILI. —-e— AUGUST 18, PRIG@E THREE PENCE. ~ PUNOH OFFICE, 85, LONDON. SODA, SELTZER, de, ‘Thoue waren SCHWEPPE S* "=" THE QUEEN. Carriage paid to any address if ordered through one of the Agents of the Company. Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Addressed not eren when accompanied by a Stamped and @@ NOTICE. — Rejected

Page 2

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avevsr 18, 1894 COLEMAN'S WINGARNIS, OR LIEBIC’S EXTRACT OF MEAT AND MALT WINE. Highest Award at the Chicago Exhibition. Geld Everywhere, tn Bottles, 2s. 94. and ds. 64. om Medica SOLE MANUPACTULERS— COLEMAN & CoO., Ltd., Norwich and London. THE SMALL HINDOO PEN. JUsT ovuT Over D000 teatimonialsreceived fy Men With obliqu J ge Im three grades, |, 7, and 3, ' linary Penhotder The Hindew lenis inestimable '—Newry Reporter 4. and te per Box, ot all Stationers Semple Nox of all kinds, Ia. 14 by Post MACNIVEN & CAMERON, Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. lemmakers to lier Majesty's » Government 6 Ofices. SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. Messrs SAMUEL RROTHERS reapect fully invite an inspection of their Bhowrcome by Yarents and Guardians Whe are desirous of ut Sitting their Juvenile oe for any of the Public or Private Col Sehools, 2c. The of Youths of Mesers . BROTHERS, with the result that this import ant Department of their business bas attained very large dimensions so that every want in Suits, Overcoats, Hoslery, Hoots, &c., is fully met, and durabie qualilies ensured PATTERNS AND CATALOGUE free on application SAMUEL BROTHERS, want Tattons, Oovrrrrens, &c., a .. 67, LUDCATE WILL, LONDON, E.C. orkshops /Nigrim Street, Ludgate Hid ; and 4, @ vay’e Inn Road, BEDFORD BALING PRESSES FAR, FAR AND AWAY THE BEST NICHT LICHTS. Single Wicks, burn nine hours each Lights. N.B requued. No water CLARKE'’S “PYRAMID” NURSERY-LAMP FOOD- WARMER. 28, 26, 6), and 6) each There is no Paraffine ox other Dangerous Material used in the manufacture of these Lights. CLAREZ’S PYRAMID & PAIBY LIGHT CO., Ltd., CRICKLEWOOD, LONDON, § W | | | In | | boxes containing eight | CHOCOLAT |i MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daicy Consumption, 60 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. ooh & Ly Ss Pouan” ON SWEET SCENTS From every flower that breathes @ fragrance ae Presents GIFTS DIAMOND | ORNAMENTS. The Choicest Quality in the World. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms: 112, RECENT ST.,W. (Ansownime Sreanzoscoric Comrant.) % on _ e 2irs of as © Onn Srret ~ £Oo SMOKERS. FLOR DE DINDICUL, a medium mild | — — CIGAK, of exquisite favour and aroma. *“ Connoisseurs ew them better than eae “—W onto, +, 10! Noxes of 100, Tis. and Ws. (two sizes MAPPIN & WEBB'S | Samples (4 and 5), is, post free |? stamps. eew te. & 4, Strand, & ik, Cheapside, London Kat | JOHN, 33 BRINSMEAD & SONS’ SOSTENENTE PLANOS. Iron Consolidated Frames, Patent Check Actions,&c. Are for Sale, Hire, and on the Three Years’ System. JOUN BRINSMEAD & SONS, 18, 2, and 22, Wiemons Srarer, Loupon, w. BREAKFAST OR 8U ~} EP PS” S SPOONS & FORKS TIDMAN’S SEA SALT. CAUTION. Beware of w and injurious imitations, not CRATEFUL—COMFORTING. Sea Salt at all, but common rough salt, used in COC O AERSS SSetmse BOILING WATER OR MILK. _ | fahatieunes Sab tee SiDROAN'S Oth ‘eared such A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. | TAMAR — ice | INDIEN “esc GRILLON. of Appetite, Gastric and ae ~ > tna London: 47, Southwark Street, 8.E. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 26. Gd. A BOX. TOBACCO. FOR PIPE OR CIGARETTE. Packed in embossed foil packets and tins only. Manufactured from selected Leaf and guaranteed absolutely Pure § ORIENT tone fagters sages, OF & three weeks cruise i, the re FORD or ORWAY, and will Yt HAGEN before to the loth tember. The Pp LUSTFANIA, 35.7 tons register, will leave London 12th 35 days cruise to the MEDITERRA ++ Viating lisbon, Port Mahon. ro! Pranca snd Nice), horn, Palermo, Malta, alaga, ¢ arriving back in London |7 Ah October. Strin electric light, electric bells, hot and high-class cuisine. Managers: F. Green and Anderson, Anderson, and Co. Head ( tenchurch Avenue , London For passage the latter @rm, at 6, Penchurch Avenue, Ee cn the West End Br anch (flier, 16, Cockspur 8.8. W. t..8W | BRIGHTON Hore MeTROPOLE The finest and most luxurious Seaside Hotel in the World. COMPANY'S > Rantes t- SCOTG i Sweet for Children , Id. ‘Sebeccentete Comepeneing. = aie = Mar for all PACKHAM' 'S TABLE WATERS ARE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER. Manufactory, Croydon. FRAISINE. A delicions Dentifrice, made from a rries Of all Chemists, or for Is. 2¢. FRANKS & CO. 0, Eastcurar, Lomvox ” ROWLANDS KALYDOR Cools, soothes, and refreshes the face and hands in hot weather, remove: Freckles, Tan, Sunburn, Redness and Roughness, soothes and heals Stings, Irritation, &c., produces soft FAIR SKIN and a lovely delicate complexion. Warranted harmless and free from leaden poisons. Bottles, 2. 3d, and 4s. 6d. Sold everywhere. if

Page 3

Avoust 18, 1894.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73

MORE ORNAMENTAL | THAN USEFUL. | (A Legend of the Results of the School Board.) Tue Committee sat waiting patiently for i Al- the papers had been | full of advertisements describ- ing the intments the! réclames had no effect. | pm betes hy: tee = number of persons in the waiting-room, but the usher had declared that they did not the ele- mentary qualifications for the that the Committee were | seeking to fill with a suitable | official. “‘Usher,” cried the Chair- | man at length with some im- | patience; “I am sure you must be wrong. Let us see| some of the occupants of the adjoining office.” The usher bowed with a grace that had been uired by several years study in de- portment in the aoe, and replied that he fanci that most of the applicants were too highly educated for the coveted position. “Too highly resentative

exclaimed the representative of pee preree. we is impossible to too bi ; . a educated! You don’t ior what you ’re talking about! ” | “* Pardon me, Sir,” returned | the Usher, with another grace- | “a fre gl met Pps <rery lyou!” (Gives him a Shilling.) your discourse’ be more| polished ? But, with your permission, I will obey you.” Honest Rustic. “‘We.L, THANK yY’,

RETURNED EMPTY. rege. ir! Old Mayfly (who had dropped his Flask further down stream, and has just| now worn ordi: ladies’ ful inclination of the head, | jad i¢ retwrned to him by Honest Rustic). —_ ** Don’t KNOW WHAT I SHOULD HA’ DONE witout IT!” (Begins to wnscrew top.) | SEEIN’ A Howner ABOUT, WE'VE TA’EN WHAT THERE WERE INSIDE,”

Why I can't read nor yet write!" “Better and better,” said Committee Man No. One. * First rate,” murmured Committee Man No. Two, ‘I think we have at length found our ‘ Then the usher read the advertisement. “ What! shake the hall mat!” cried the candidate. **Why I could do that little job on my head!” So there being no other applicant for the post, the backwoods’ ignoramus was appointed office-sweeper at a couple of hundred pounds a ear. ** Rather high wages,” said the Chairman to himself, as he went home on the top of an omnibus; * but what can one expect when we educate all the children at the cost of the rates. Last year there was an additional farthing ; this year we have to pay five shillings, and goodness only knows how much it will be hereafter ! ”’ And as he thought this, the Chairman (in the names of the rest of the ratepayers) heartily eursed the School Board, RE-DRESS REQUIRED. [A writer in the Lancet draws attention to the fact that the re- gular hospital nurse’s uniform is ‘Dean mE! THank you! THAnx« | attire.) ” Tueee’s no doubt my new costume is very becoming. I like the idea of the cape, and the apron is just perfect, while **May I orrer you a—— Sin, BUT ME AND mY Marts, not

And then the official re- turned to usher in an aged man wearing spectacles. The veteran | immediately fell upon his knees and began to implore the Com- mittee to appoint him to the vacant ‘**T can assure you, Gentlemen, that, thanks to the School Board, I am a first-rate Latin and Greek scholar. I am intimately | equainted with the Hebrew language, and have the greatest pos- | sible respect for the Union Jack. I know all that can be known! about mathematics, and can play several musical instruments. I am also an accomplished waltzer; I know the use of the globes, and can play the overture to Zampa on the musical-glasses. I know the works of SHAKSPEARE backwards, and——” * Stop, stop!’ interrupted the Chairman. ‘‘ You may do all this, and more; but have you any knowledge of the modus operandi of the labour required of you?” - Pe no!” returned the applicant; “‘but if a man of educa- oa-——"’ **Remove him, Usher!” cried the Chairman; and the veteran was removed in tears. A second, a third, and a fourth made their appearance, and di peared, and none of them would do. They were all singularly accomplished. At a h man, who had been ing down the street, i ** What may you want, Sir?” asked the Chairman, indignant! ‘ * What’s to you?” was the prom: . “I ain't a going to tell everyone my Pasinens —not aoeeert ng. “* Uncouth and valgar!” murmured Committee Man No. Two. ‘* Where were you educated ?”’ queried the Chairman. i i icular. I was brought up in the wilds of

Canada. There’s not mach book over there,” and the rough fellow indulged in a loud hoarse “* Ah! that accounts fer your not having enepel Bp erat ocees- tages of the School Board. Have you seem the circular—have you Oe ere ot eee ee F “Me read!” cried the uncouth one; “oh, that is a game! the little bonnet suits me to a T. Met cousin Frep, who said it was “fetching,” and that “ they wanted some of my sort at the hospitals.” I said I thought the patients had good enough nurses at present ; he replied ‘* he didn’t mean the patients—he meant the doctors.” Of course I couldn't stand the drudgery of a nurse’s life; but that’s no reason why I shouldn’t appropriate the uniform, is it ? Walking ode street. Met another narse—a real one, I suppose. She stared, turned red, and then looked horribl offended. I believe she must have made some sign to me that I didn’t understand. Are Nurses Freemasons, I wonder? Quite a secret society, it seems. Really that sort of thing oughtn’t to be allowed, It makes things so hwnd for the impost—the imitators, I mean. _ Just got home after dreadful incident! 1 was in a Bayswater Square, when suddenly a man driving round a corner in a cart got upset, and was pitched on to the close tome, A small crowd gathered immediately, and he any | expected me te help. One man shouted ** Hi! Come and bind up is head, Miss!” And his head was actually bleeding! I cvuldn’t do anything, exeost feel awfully inclined to faint, then the mob began to hiss jeer! Some- body said I must know how to render “first aid to the injured, and if I didn’t come quick the man would bleed to death, I was so frightened I ran away, and the mob ran after me, and | had to take ter in a shop, and ask the sh to explain to the crowd that I was not really a nurse at all. Then used dreadful expressions, and I had to be got out by a back way. I don’t think the costume is half as becoming as it seemed this morning ; I’m going to sell it an a ** cast-off garment.”” Lucky for me it wasn't a torn-off garment !

Scott on the New Woman. (As the Wizard of the North would have written now.) New Woman! in our hours of ease A smoking rival hard to please, Wishing to put Man in . Collar bis toys and take his trade ; When pain i the brow, and anguish A swaggering, “ spanking” Pipchin thou !

VOL, CVI,

Page 4

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 18, 1894. REST FRESH |) BUTTER “COW 'BRAN “THE COW WAS THE STAMP TO IMPRESS SUPERIOR BUTTER.” ‘ARF A POUND ER MARGARINE, PLEASE; AN’ MOTHER SAYS WILL YER PUT THE Cow ON IT, ‘Cos she’s Got Company!” HINT FOR THE ALPINE SEASON. Adapted freely from the Old Royal Repartee.) Middle-aged would-be Mountaineer (loq.). Fat would I climb, but,—well, my belt's too small. Mr. Punch (in reply). If your girth grows, Sir, “ at all ! Your Alpen-stock put by, ere the world mock, And you become an (Alpine) Laughing-stock. Though Alps on Alps arisé you stop in bed, And let a younger man yon glaciers tread. The dangers of steep slides and deep crevasses Are not for elderly donkeys, but young asses, The Himalayas woo you still to pant on ? Well, treat ‘em as you would an arch young wanton, do not climb Think of your legs, the boys, the girls, the Missus, And do not play the elderly Narcissus. To witch the world with noble ** leemanship” Is tempting, yes, but if you chance to slip, Your bones a fathomless abyss may strew, An Alpine death,—and they'll all pine for you. Man after fifty fits not the sublime, So stay at home nor seek a foreign climb. The ae of guide, and chum, and wife and aughter, Is Senex who will climb and didn’t oughter. Stick to your Alpine Club, but like old foodles, Pay, ae at home, and play at whist at les’ Decline with the old mania to be bitten, (Like good Queen Bess’s repartee on glass), And that you’re saved from being an old ass! | LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. VL—Kew Garpens. In the gardens at Kew It were certainly sweet To be wand’ring with you, Far from city and street ; : ’Twere the one thing, dear NELLIE, my joy and content to complete In the gardens at Kew. In the gardens at Kew, If my way I might take B the water with you, Oh! how merry we'd make,— I am sure you would dote on the dear litile ducks in the lake . In the gardens at Kew. In the gardens at Kew, Having tea a la fraises, We would cheerfully stew Neath the fierce solar rays, And in “eloquent silence” you’d meet my affectionate gaze In the gardens at Kew. In the gardens at Kew We would sit in the shade For an hour or two, Without — aid, And your head on my shoulder (who knows * ) might be lovingly laid In the gardens at Kew. In the gardens at Kew, Far away from the crowd, Though for you, To stern Fate I have bowed : For it grieves me, deer Nexure, to tell you, ** No dogs are allowed” In the gardens at Kew! ’m longi | NOT MASTER OF HIMSELF THOUGII | CHINA FALL. | [The Emperor (of China) is still cursed with | the violent temper of his adolescence, and “* breaks | things.”—“ Tisnes” Correspondent at Pekin. | On! is this announcement plain truth ? Or is it mere genial mockery ? | And what does this choleric youth | Of China thus break—is it crockery ? It does seem unfitting, you know— At least as we Westerners see things— That the lord of Souchong and Pekoe | Should be guilty of smashing up tea-things! Of course, if he had an idea Of ing the Japanese bondage, Or breaking their hold on -7-¥ Well, youth is a a7 and fon » And old age might find an excuse For breaking the peace ; but kind wishes Can hardly invent an excuse For lee = | the plates and the dishes. He is youthful, like little Am Srp, It would be very mean to malign a | Mere boy ; yet a true Chinese kid Should not start with thesmashing of China! The Cry of the (Literary) Croakers. BATRACHIANS may doubt if King Stork or King Log controller ; Be the Frog-pond’s most suitable lord But Grub Street’s unfortunate unlauded frog —_— rule of the new King Log- er MEM. BY AN OVERWORKED ONE. | Wira_“ brain-fag” our swift, feverish age is rife, | And death is oft the mere ‘‘ fag-end” of life. | Somermine tre a “ Packep Meetine.” —The meeting of the various Arctic Expe- ditions in the Polar Ice Pack.

Page 5

Avoust 18, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “TO BE WELL SHAKEN BEFORE TAKEN!” = ; “JUSTICE AS SHE IS SPOKEN IN FRANCE.” Dear Mr. Poncu,—Now that we are close upon the silly season, when it is most difficult to get interesting ‘‘ copy”’ for the columns of the daily papers, may I be permitted to make a suggestion? No doubt you have seen an account of the examination of CasERio Santo by the President of the Court on the occasion of his trial. | Could not the idea be naturalised in London by the Me’ litan Police Magistrates? I would not, of course, propose to apply the method in cases of a serious character, but used in what are known as ‘‘the night charges,” the practice would become very interest- ing. To better explain my meaning, I will imagine that a prisoner who has been arrested on a charge of being “‘ drunk and incapable” is standing in front of his worship. Magistrate (with sarcasm). You are sober now. Prisoner (in the same tone). As a judge. Magistrate (indignantly). Judges are always sober. Prisoner (with a laugh). How should you know ?—you, who are te urmurs, Drink only a magistrate! Magistrate. You insult me! But that will not serve you. isthe curse of the country! It has been a curse to Prisoner, You have tried it? ‘ou! [ Cries of disapproval. Magistrate. You are young to bandy words with one old enough to be your father ! Prisoner, My father! You my father! What an honour! Magistrate. I do not envy him! Nor your mother! Prisoner me You shall not speak of m mother is sacred. She shall not be referred to in the tainted atmo- sphere of a Court of Justice. pplause. Magistrate. This hypocrisy shall not serve you. You never loved your mother ! [ Prolonged sensation. Prisoner. Your worship, vou are a liar! cheers. Magistrate. This to the Bench from the gutter! For you know you were found drunk and incapable in the gutter. What were you doing there ? Prisoner (tearfully). 1 was dreaming of my mother, my loved mother. [Sympathetic applause. Magistrate. You do not deserve to have a mother! [ Prolonged sensation. Prisoner (scornfully). Only a magistrate could make such a cold- blooded observation! [ Cheers. mother. My Magistrate. For all that you are fined five shillings and costs! Remove the wretched prisoner ! [The accused was then removed amidst expressions of sympathy Srom the body of the Court. There, Sir, would not that be far better reading than paragraphs about gigantic gooseberries and leaders upon the sea serpent! Perhaps my suggestion may be d in the proper quartcr. Hoping that this may be the case, the police case, I remain, Yours res lly, Tae Man ry THe Rerorrer’s Box, NOBLESSE OBLIGE, (New Version.) ** Ler Art and Commerce, Laws and Learning die, But leave us still our Old Nobility!” Without them, in our democratic day, Who will the of princely patriot play ? Who else will keep a splendid Family Seat, And claim—for its defence—a mighty Fleet ’ Who else will make Bank Holidays a joy To wandering workman and to wondering Who else will rear big fortunes upon Rent, Or palaces on Unearned Increment ? Monopolise art’s treasures and life’s pleasures, And throw out dangerous democratic measures / bal + will es neues eviews name ¢ o else preserve her tige—and her game ¢ Who else will wear heen and the ermine, And proudly stamp out istic vermin ¢ Who else in one grand field-day, ’midst the Peers, Undo the labours of ignoble years ? ; Who else in solemn ranks, like three-tailed Turks, Defend the power of Privilege and Perks ? And ’tis these most imous Mamelukes, Our patriot Earls and foe-defying Dukes, A traitorous Chancellor would dare to—Ta,s // ! Ah! where’s the dungeon, and oh! where’s the axe? Noblesse oblige! But sure the obligation Cannot involve that horror, uation ! Is’t not i samples While with our Nobles England's glory waxcs, The Proletariat ’s proud to—pay the Taxes! py ¢

Page 6

76 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avousr 18, 1894. LYRE AND LANCET. (A Story in Scenes.) PART VIL—IGNOTUM PRO MIRIFICO. Scewe XIL—The Amber Boudoir at Wyvern—immediately after Lady Cantine and her daughter have entered. Lady Cantire (in reply to Lady CULVERTS). Tea? oh yes, my dear ; anything warm! I’m positively peri —that tedious cold journey and the long drive afterwards! I always tell Rurert he would see me far oftener at Wyvern if he would only get the Com- pretty little Lady Marste’s annexed Aim, Can’t you content your- self with one victim ? i Miss Spelw. Don’t be so utterly idiotic! (To herself.) If Matste mena Ten bas Cae ay a worth talking to !—— Captain Thicknesse (to himself, as he watches Lady Matste). She is lookin’ prettier than ever! Forgotten me. Used to be friendly enough once, though, till her mother warned me off. Seems to have a good deal to say to that Poet fellow; saw her colour up from here the moment he came near ; poe Petrarchin’, hang him! I’d cross over and speak to her if I catch her eye. Don’t know, though ; pany to bring the line round close to the Park Gates, but it has no what’s the use? She wouldn’t thank me for interruptin’. e effect upon him! (As TRepwELt announces SrunREtt, who enters likes these clever chaps; don’t si to her if oa are bounders, in tremdation.) Mr. James Srvaret.! Who's Mr.—-? Oh, to I suppose. J’m not intell I wish I’d gone back to be sure; that’s the name of my interesting young poet— Andromeda, Aldershot! you know, my dear! Go and be pleasant to him, Averyia, he wants Lady Cant. (by the tea-table). Why don’t you make that woman reassuring. of yours send up decent cakes, my dear? These are cinders. Lady Culverin (a trifle™nervous). How do you do, Mr.—ah— I’m afraid you let hér have too much of her own way. Now, tell me Srvrret.?’ (To herself.) 1 said he —who are mor mw Vivrew Sper- ended in ‘‘’ell”! (Aloud.) ‘So pleased wane! Never have that girl to meet to see you! We think so much of your me in, I can’t endure her; and Andromeda here, you know. Quite that affected little 4 a Mr. Pit- delightful of you to find time to run down | Spurrell (to himself). Why she’s chummy, too! Old Drummy palls me through everything ! Aloud.) Don't name it, my la—hum—Lady Cv1- vexrx. No trouble at all; only too proud to get your summons! Lady Culr. (to herself). He doesn’t seem very revolutionary! (A/loud.) That ’s so sweet of you; when so many must be absolutely & hting to get you! Spurr. Oh, as for that, there is rather a ran on me just now, but I put everything else aside for you, of course ! Lady Culv. (to herself). He’s soon reassured, (Aloud, with a touch of frost.) I am sure we must consider ourselves most fortunate, (Zurning to the Countess.) You did say cream, Rowesta? Sugar, Marsre dearest ? Spurr. (to himself . I'm all right up tonow! I suppose I'd better say nothing about the horse till they do. | feel rather out of it among these nobs, though. I'll try and chum on to little Lady Maistre again; she may have got over her temper by this time, and she’s the only one I know. (He approaches her.) Well, Lad Marsre, here lam, you see. I’d seally no idea your aunt would be so friendly! I say, you know, you don’t mind speak- ing to a fellow, do you? I’ve no one else I can go to—and—and it’s a bit strange at first, you know! Lady Maisie (coloured with mingled apprehension, veration, and pity). If I can be of any help to you, Mr, . Lrwen—h’m! Do see Captain ? Now, I don’t object to him. Matsre and he used to be great friends, . .. Ah, how do you do, Cap- pleasant E P Quite finding you here; such ogee since we saw anything of You! y haven’t ny been near ‘ts all this time?... , I may have been out once or twice when you ¢alled; but you might have tried again, mightn’t you? There, J for- give you; you had better go and see if you can make your with Marsre! Capt. Thick. (to himself, as he obeys). Doosid odd, the Countess comin’ round like this. Wish she’d thought of it before. Lady Cant, (in a whisper). He's always been such a favourite of mine. They tell me his uncle, poor dear Lord DuwNpERHEAD, is so ill—felt the loss of his only son so terribly. Of course it will make a great difference—in many ways. Capt. Thick, Syne os to reef Maistre). How do you do? Afrai you ’ve f » Lady Maisie, Oh no, indeed! (Hur- riedly.5 You—you don’t know Mr. Spvrrett, I think? (Introducing them.) Captain THICKNESSE. Capt. Thick. How are you? Been hearin’ a lot about you lately. meee don’t you know; and that kind ng. Spurr. It’s wonderful what a hit she seems to have made—not that I’m sur- prised at it, either ; I always knew—— tten me ™ Lady Maisie (hastily). Oh, Mr, Spt — a 5 tint VAEL ae, you ony any any =! Spurr. Well, if you’d only me ss am en ow Jo go and get some before it’s taken what I ought to do? My keys! Why, what do you want them for! pond [SPURRELL goes. Lady Maisie. Surely that’s very simple; do nothing; just take | mak i everything quietly as it comes, and takes. Spurr. (anxiously). And you don’t think anybody ’I] see anything odd in my being here like this ? Lady Maisie (to herself). I'monly too afraid they will ! [Aloed.) You really must have a little self-confidence. Just remember that no one here could produce anything a millionth part as splendid as your Andromeda! It’s too distressing to see you so a ingly humble! (Zo herself.) There's Captain Taicxwesse over there—he might come and rescue me ; but he doesn’t seem to care to! Spurr. Well, you do put some heart into me, Lady Marsre. I feel equal to the lot of ’em now! Pilliner (to Miss Srxwawe). Is that the Poet? Why, bat I sa —he'sa fraud! Where's his matted head? He’s not a bit ragred, or rusty either. And why don't he dabble? Don’t seem to know what to do with his hands quite, though, does he ? Mies pame omg a knows ” to foe some very exquisite woetry with one em events. I’ve reading i think it perfectly marvellous ! rapdccaks Pill. | see what it is, you're preparing to turn his matted head for him’ I warn you you'll only waste your sweetness. That you can’t @ any mis- y. Capt. Thick. Been tryin’ to get you to notice me ever since you came ; but you were so awfully absorbed, you know! Lady Maisie. Was 1? So absorbed as all that! What with? , Capt. Thick. Well, it looked like it—with talkin’ to your poetical rien Lady Maisie ( flushing). He is not my friend in particular; I—I admire Ma peary, of course. Capt. ick, (to himself). Can't even speak of him without a change of colour. Bad sign that! (Aleud.) You always were keen atent pastry and literature and that in the old days, weren’t you? Used te rag me for not readin’ enough. But I do now. I was readin’ a book only last week. I'll tell you the name if you give me a minute to think—book everybody ’s readin’ just now—no end of a clever book. [Miss Speiwawne rushes across to y Marsre. Miss Spelw. Marste, dear, how are you? You look so tired! That ’s the journey, I su . (Whispering.) Do tell me—is that really the author of 4 drinking tea close by’ You're a en friend of ~ Do be a dear, and introduce him to me! declare the we made friends with him already. Poets have such a wond attraction for animals, haven't they ” , [Lady Marsre Aas to bring SpuRRELL up and introduce him : Captain Taicknesse chooses to consider himself dismissed.

Page 7

Aveust 18, 1894. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 77 Miss 8 me. (with shy adoration). Oh, > SPURRELL, feel as if I must rou about Andromeda. I d ‘thee admire it Spurr. (to. imself ). Another of ’em! - - + ar sweet on “* bulls” in this house! ( Aloud.) cay quad to ws ye say so, [’msure. I’ve seen nothing to 2 lk myself, I don’t know if you noticed all her Miss Spelw. Indeed, I believe none of them were lost upon me ; | but my poor little praise must seem so worthless ignorant ! Spurr. (indulgently). Oh, I wouldn’ t say that. I find some ‘ladies we knowing about these things. I’m having a picture done 0 er. Miss Spelw. Are you really? Howdelightful! As a frontispiece? Spurr. Eh? Oh no—full length, i diesen eee legs, you know. Miss Spel. Her legs? Oh, of course—with “ her roseal toes cramped.” I thought th that such a wonderful touch ! Spurr. They’re not more cramped than they ought to be; she | never turned them in, you know ! Miss Spelw. (mystified). I didn’t mean that, And now tell me—if it’s not an indisereet question—when do you expect there’ll be another edition ? Spurr. (to himself), Another ba = She’s cadging for a pup | now! (Aloud.) Oh—er— n’t say. Miss Spelw. I’m sure the first must be disposed of by this time. I shall look out for the next so (Aloud.) yn eagerly ! Spurr. (to himself). Time I “* off ” td it. | say anything definite—and, excuse me leaving you, but I t a Cutverrn is looking my way iss Spelw. Oh, by all means! a To herself.) I might as well = a pillar-post! And after ng quite half an hour read im up, too! I wonder if Berrie Prawen was right; but I Th | have him all to myself at dinner. Lady Cant. And where is Rurgrtr? too busy of course to come and say a word | Well, some day he may understand what a sister is—when it’s too late. Ah, here’s our nice unassuming young poet coming up to talk to you. Don’t repel him, my dear! Spurr. (to himself). Better her the chance of telling me what’s wrong with the horse, (Aloud.) Er—nice old- fashioned sort of house this, Lady CLVERIN, (To himself.) I'l work round to the ay i behene it, y. Lady Culr. (coldly) ieve it dates from the Tudors—if that is what you mean. Lady Cant. My dear Avprnta, I quite understand him ; “ old- fashioned ”’ is exactly the epithet. "and I was born and brought up here, so perhaps I should know. 9” A footman enters, and comes up to SPURRELL mysteriously, Footman, Will you let me have your keys, if you please, Sir? Spurr. (in some alarm). My keys! (Suspreiously. ) Why, what do you want them for ? Lady Cant. (in a whisper). Isn’t he deliciously unsophisticated ? Quite a child of nature! (Aloud.) My dear Mr. Srvurrett, he wants your keys to unlock your manteau and put out your things; you'll be able to dress for dinner all the quicker. Spurr. Do you mean—am I to have the honour of sitting down with all of you ? Lady Culr, (to herself), Oh, my goodness, what twill Rupert ot (Aloud.) Why, of course, Mr. SpurRett; how can you as Spurr. ( feebly). I—I didn’t know, that was all. (To Footman). Here you are, then. (To himself.) Put out x. things? he’ll find nothing to put out except a nighorre, 8 , and a couple of brushes ! Fr’ ’d only known I should be let i in for this, I’d have brought dress-clothes. But how cou/d 1? I—I wonder if it would be any good telling ’ = quietly how it is. I shouldn't like ’em to think I hadn't got any. who are talking in an undertone.) No, perha oa. I—I can allude to it in a joky sort o | down! I’d better let it way when I come TO MY BEEF TEA. By Our Dyspeptic Poet.) Wuew the doctor's stern decree Rings the knell of libertee, And dismisses from my sight All the dishes that delight ; w hen my temperature is igh— When to pastry and to Duty bee md say een. I can brook thee none too well ; Then I hail thy fragrant smell! Thy delights, © Bovine Tea, Have no special charm for me! When the doctor shakes his head, Though thou comest piping hot, Banning wine or white or red, Oh, believe I love thee not ! | And at all my well-loved joints Weary of thy gentle reign— Disapproving finger pointe ; Givemeoystersand champegne! | — my poultry too he stops, I, for solace and relief, Fly to thee, 0 Tea of Beef! But—if simple truth I tell e looks at Lady € panrmn andi ote -in-law, | Epwarp and Mary driv om reduced to taking ‘‘ slops,” || | forgiven detai | There, Sir, you have the a. poutite banioed red. tn’ the bands of of an. | cangenene ages De “CLUBS! CLUBS!” [*Fry of Wad ” illustrious all-round athlete of Oxford, holds that Golf is no better than “ glorified Croquet.’”) On Frr of Wadham, you've your poaih, * put ok be iid olf ere in the Sou Talked to death by wild golfers, we ly Hooray, to see Link- Pecan by Far. Golf-g *s a terrible tax on The aaoualer Obl cketing, Footballing Saxon. To whom ne seems just a little bit pokey. But Fry of Wadham, Sir, “ glorified Croquet ” ! Champion of Champions, you 're going to catch it ! Each man loves his sport, swears no other can match it Chacun a son gotit! And he’s rather to Who's prompt to make game of another man’s Game ! “TO BE TAKEN AS READ.” Dean Mr. Puncu,—Thanks to the of the Circulating Libraries, it seems that the old- volume novel is doomed to become a work of the past. — the have abandoned it, and now the authors ~ have their greatest chance, But ss a matter of fact, although a romance may be sent to a r, it is not within the scope of civili- sation to cause that romance to be read. According to statistics I be- lieve about sixty per cent of the second and third rate is only the recipients of the last couple is saved from the labours of the paper-knife. As this is so, would it not be as well to give a “‘common form” finale to serve as a model for novels in extremis? To make my meaning plainer I will give an example. Let me suppose that the country subseriber has received a novel per parcels post called The Deed in Drab, Instead of having to cut some nine hundred pages, he finds gummed to the inside of the cover what I may call Tae Last CHaprer, And so — fhe 3 io bells of the old church and the songs of the nightingales, and pleasant laughter of the little children, Epwix and ANGELINA were lam As they under the oaken porch it be said uy happily the Duke gave them his blessing. N —like a prince and a princess in fairy tale—for ever Captain Monrmorency Gut, kicked out of his club a warned off the Tu rf at Newmarket, le . England with his ill-gotten gains for Cairo, Arrived in Egypt disappeared into the Soudan. One of the Arabs who came from 1. desert declare that there is a white ruler in Khartoum. Whether it be he, who knows?’ Still, the stories of cruelty brought back by the swarthy traders are not unsuggestive of the man who brought poor Paviing to her grave and broke the Bank at Monte Carlo. Epwarp Warts did wan he village al Baeriee, and they are now doing well at Little Pannington grown intoa ** Stores,” and those who are in Hoy wo nay that at a near date it will be converted into a * Company, on eg _ Be this as it may, neon ? y a with the shared by another, he went his And there, under the starlight | influence of the Southern Cross, and amidst the glorious glaciers of | the Boomerang Moustihy, he tries to forget the terrible and of the ‘* Deed in Drab.” Tar Esp. 80 = , A to meet Pe ks of the the century. Surely the orthy of a Mopre, and the consideration of a W. H. Suirn Yours faithfully, Mocrrem iw Parvo. t+ attenti

Page 8

\ 8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON N CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 18, 1824, Mr. Little Misa. SUPPRESSIO VERI. “AND HOW OLD ARE You, DEAR CHILD?” ‘1 sHOULD LIKE To say I’m EIGHT—BUT MAMMA WON'T LET mE!” YE GENTLEMEN OF HOLLAND. Aw Ove To Tras Dercn Caickerers. Ain—‘“*¥e Mariners of England.” I. Ye Gentlemen of Holland That guard your native stumps, Ye come to bat on wickets damp, And block the ball that bumps. The “ glorious game” you play amain, And may you match the foe ; And smite left and right, While the balls for ** boundaries” go ; Ww _ your batsmen run ‘em fast and jong, 1d the balls for ** boundaries” go! Il. The spirits of your fathers Should wateh you from the wave! The brine, it was their field of fame ; On turf you 're just as brave. As Van Trompr’s and De Rryrer’s did Your manly breasts aot glow As vou smite left and ri While the balls for ‘ a ” gn; Whilst the batsmen run ’em fast and long, And the balls fur ** boundaries” go! 1. Barranwia loves to encounter Her ancient foes—in peace. Our march is to the wickets green, Our home is at the crease. With volleys from her native wood She meets the friendly fue, As they smite left and ight, And the balls for * boundaries ” . While the batsmen run "em fast my long, And the balls for ‘‘ boundaries” go ! Iv. The willows of old England, Dateh ‘willows shall not spnrn! Your team we'll cheer when they depart, We'll welcome their return ! Then, then ye willow-warriors, Our song and feast shall flow To the fame of your name, When to Holland back ye go When ped om * How’s that ? ?” is heard nor And to “Dutehland back ye go! PUTTING HIS FOOT IN IT; Or, The Wilful Markee, {The House of Lords, for some reason, always assumes special care of Ireland, a fact which may account for a few of the curiosities of Irish political and domestic economy.”—Mr. Punch's Essence of Parliament, June 3, 1861.) Ain—‘‘ Widow Machree.” Wiutrvt Markee, it ’s loike thunder ye frown, Ochone! Wilful Markee ! Faith ye’d _ f nt r proud Parthy by kicking Ochone ! W "ilful Markee ! How haughty your air, As you kick me down-stair! Faix, | wondher ye dare In this oisle of the free! Och, ye autocrat churl Me poor head ’s in a whirl. Ochone! Wilful Markee ! Wilful Markee, Oireland’s chance is now come, Ochone! W “Uful Markee ! Whin every fies a must the Tories um ? Ochene! oF ‘iful Markee ! Sure the Commons, wid prayers, Have sint me u | Who is it that Wid me fern aboient | Don't haughtily pish At ould Oireland’s last wish ! Ochone! Wilful Markee ! Wilfual Markee, whin a Bill enters i in, Ochone! Wilful Markee ! To be kicking it out in this stoyle i isa sin. Ochone ! Wilful Markee ! Surely hammer and tongs To bad ould days belongs ; Far betther sing songs Full of family glee. Oireland's bad bitter cup Do not harshly fill up Ochone ! iW “ful Markee! And do ye not know wid yer bearing so bould,— Ochone! Wilful Markee! How ye're kaping ~ poor tinants out in the co Ochone ! " "ilful Markee! Wid such sins on your he Sure your peace will be fled : Could you slape in your bed’ idout thinking to see My ghost or my sprite That will wake ye each night Groaning Ochone ! Wilful Markee! Then take my advice haughty Wilful Markee, Ochone ! Wilful Markee ! And loike ‘‘ Compensation Bill” do not trate me ! Ochone! Wilful Markee! Of stroife we all tire, Then why stir the ould fire ? Sure hope is no liar In whisperin’ to me, Hate’s ould 1 ghost wiil dep art When you win Oireland’s | heart ! Ochone! Wilful Markee!

Page 9

———— a ant TA “uf U A, er Man ¥ eR AU - = ahd IY 1M ) ra HAMA sali’ YM Yr = ie? Hh ve, sf 4, te “ ~ —s = —— ee 97 wi HME 044 iiysie WAG ) TA aa hy j

Page 10

Page 11

Avoust 18, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81

a 7 STROLL IN THE ZOO. ACT ny | SS YO ju AM MME LL) “ * * c 4 4 at s 4 A / ‘ J Y, 44 \ x. > >.* / © 4 OTe a AW SN a ie Hi Ls

aT out) Ws . pen\j cue <a Yes y 6) re Rs A. )

12 a, 2... es a Baas SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

THE MESSAGE FROM MARS, (Per favour of Mr. Punch.) Mr. Punch, 80 you’ve not been signalling to Mother Earth, after all. my noble Warrior ? Mars (with a wink), What do you think’ Why should I dig canals 100 miles wide, and 2,000 aie long, or build bonfires as big as Scotland, when I can always communicate what I may have to say through you? Because Mars looks spotty or misty, Some dreamers, with intellects twisty, Imagine, old horse, Mars is playing at Morse! All bosh! You ask Dyson or Cunistie. Mr. Pench. Mr. Mavnper “has you under his special charge,” hasn't he ? Mars. Much obliged to Mr. Maunper, I’m sure! Wants to take my photo, doesn’t he’ As if I were a mere Ss me a popular comedian, or ’Argiet at the seaside on a Bank Holiday! Mr. Punch. Have you any Bank Holidays in your et ? Mars. Thank Sol, Mr. Punch, we have outlived the epoch of taking our pleasure in spasms, like your cockney victims of the vulgar voluptuary’s St. Vitus’s dance! ’Tis an ill-bred age of Mr, Punch. Don’t be uppish, old man! ag Kodaks, and Interviews, and other phases of aga Paul Pryism. But you've had = ignominious moments, Mars. If a ‘ snap- shot” could have been taken at you when held prostrate, chained, and captive, at the feet of Otus and Ephialtes, or, still worse, when caught with Venus in the iron net of Vulcan :— All heaven beholds, imprison’d as they lie, And unextinguish’d laughter shakes the sky. Mars. Spare me, excellent Punch. Eugh! Thank heaven Olympus knew no Kodaks then, or ‘‘the gay Apollo” would yet longer have had the laugh of me. Mr. Punch. Pardon me for awaking unpleasant memories! But even gods should not be bumptious, ially when, like the Second Mrs. Tanqueray, they “* have a . Mars. Well, anyhow I’ve been able to baffle the camera-wielders up to now. My ruddy countenance and “bluish radiance” have beaten Greenwich, and even licked the Lick! As they themselves admit, ‘‘ Mars up to the present has defied cameral detection.” Mr. Punch. But what about those “‘ bright spots” ? Mars. ane yon ne *‘ bright spots” even on your dull and foggy planet? I have often noticed one at 85, Fleet Street. In June | December it emits thousands of brilliant of a“ bluish radiance,” too. But I don’t jump to the conclusion that you are 0)

“ signalling” to me. Look, the naked eye can see the Punchian ** projection lumineuse” even from here ! Mr. Punch. I do not have to “* signal’ my messages to “ Hellas” or “ Lockxyer’s Land” by canals or “ten million are lights of 100,000 candle-power apiece.” Like the Sun, I am self-luminous, and do not, like the finest planets, shine by reflected light. Mars. True for you. And from your own intellectual observatory, like TevrerspRorcKH “ alone with the stars,” you ofttimes scan the heavens when, as LonGrELLOW says :— “ ____ the first watch of night is given To the red planet Mars,” Mr. Punch, Precisely! And earnest thoughts within me rise Thou beckonest with thy mailéd hand, When I behold afar, And I am strong again. Suspended in the evening skies e shield of that red star. [Murmurs musingly. The star of the unconquered will He rises in my breast. I see thee stand Serene, and resolute and still, A star of strength ! And calm, and eelf- possessed. And smile upon my pain ; Mars. Ah yes! that’s all very pretty and poetical, and I’m much obliged to Henny Wapswortn and the other bards who have lyric- ally glorified me. But Punch, old man, you and I know better ! Mother Earth has ever paid, and payeth still, far too much worship to Mars—the Mars of her own militant fancy. ‘To tell you the truth, Punch, I’m sick of my old métier, especially since Science stepped in and bedevilled it pe bearing with her big guns, and dynamite- bombs, and treacherous torpedoes; weapons more fit for grubby Vulean’s subterranean Cyclops than a god, a gentleman and a soldier like me. Mr. Punch, Hoho! That’s the way the (Lock rxnr's) land lies, eh’ Mars, Exactly. J wasn't soucees t your stupid, conservative bellicose old world, which, like the Bourbons, learns nothing and forgets nothing. Could I write in plain Titanic itals across a thousand square miles of my smoothest surface Mars’s Straight Tip to Mother Earth, viz. :-— FIGHTING ’S AN EXPENSIVE BORE, SO DISARM AND WAR NO MORE! what effect would it have on any of you, from civilised England, with you to enlighten it, to the furious fighting d s who are tearing each other in the eastern seas? None! But if any of your quidnunes really want to know what I would say if | did signal tell them old Mars, grown wiser, has turned up War; has nailed his raven to a barn-door as a warning; ea pet of Peace’s soft-plumed dove ; and strongly advises the belligerent boobies on earth who take his old name in vain, and play his game ill, to—go and do likewise ! ! / r. Punch, By the cestus of Venus, and so I will!!!

Page 12

82 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 18, 1894. ODE TO IXION, By a Sympathetic, but Super- fieral Observer.) On ! the hardest of hearts some compassion must feel For that modern Ixion, the Man on the Wheel! See him scouring the roads on his spindly-spoked spider, Dust-hid till you searce tell the ** bike” from its rider : | His abdomen shrunken, his shoulders up-humped, With the gaping parched lips of one awfully pumped. Could a camel condemned to the treadmill look worse ” Sure those lips,’could he close them, wall shape to a curse (in his horrible doom! As I gaze and stand by, With a pang at my heart, and a tear in my eye, | I think of Ixion, the Wander- ing Jew, That Cork-leggéd Dutchman | | the Flying One, too, And other ne piti- less speed ; And I own, while their cases were frightful indeed, The Bicyelist’s fate is the worser Dy far. Poor soul!!! The small ** pub,”’ and a “pull” at the “Par” Appear your best comfort. Imagine the cheer Of a slave of the “ bike” whose sole solace 18 beer ! You can't see the prospect ; your eyes are cast down Like Bunyan’s Muck-raker ; your brows in a frown CONJUGAL EGOTISM. “WHat A sturip PAPER THIs 1s, Ropert! You 1s ir!” Nor A WORD ABOUT Of purposeless effort are woe- fully knit ; Of Nature’s best charms you | perceive not a bit. The hedge your horizon, the long, dusty Is your sole point of sight. Jretched victim, what goad Of Fate, or sheer folly, thus urges you on’ Old torments—like poor Io’s gadfly—are gone, /And yet, like Orestes, the Fury-whipped, you Wheel on, as some comet wheels on through the blue In billion-leagued cycles less dreary than is The cycle on which round the wide world you whiz! Eh? Cuttinga record? You like it ? e i"! A task without pleasure, a toil without use! Poor soul! You are worse than Ixion, I feel, For he was not tied by himself to the wheel ! The Plaint of the Un- willing Peer. From my M.P.’s seat I—oh, the pity !—must move. Iam one of Rank’s sorrowful ers ; For the Commons Fate bids me dissemble my love, But why did she kick me upstairs ? Ow Tics.—The Modern Novel is a blend of the Erotic, the Neurotic, and the Tommy- rotic. WHERE TO GO. Antwerp—if you are not tired of Exhibitions. Boulogne—if you don’t mind the mud of the port. Cologne—if you are not particular about the comfort of your nose. spot. | destination ? Kandahar—if you are not afraid of Afghan treachery. yor can I not have my tea Lyons—if you are fond of riots and émeutes. and why I am hurried out of Marseilles—if you are determined to do the Chateau D’If. before can discuss my Naples—if you are anxious to perform an ante-mortem duty. Ouchy—if you like it better than Lausanne. Paris—if you have not been there for at least a fortnight. for admission to a lunatic asylum. the local fever and want to try it. Quebec—if you are qualifyi Rome—it you have never everlasting castle. advantage of novelty. ] Java—if you wish to eat its jelly on the | that certainly THE INCONVENIENCED TRAVELLER'S PHRASE-BOOK. (To be Translated as Required. ) Wuy have you thrown my boxes down with such violence that their contents have become distributed on the platform ? ; Why is it necessary to strike me on the head with a stick because am taking my proper place at the ticket-office ? y do you close the door of communication when Why can I not obtain redress upon complaint to the Dieppe—if you like bathing in the foreign fashion. Etretat—if solitude has commanding charms. sovereign. Florence—if you are partial to 100° in the | ™ shade. Genoa—if you have no objection to mos- I offer a remonstrance ? quitoes. ’ ; Heidelberg—if you are not tired of the _ 48 r Why am I chased off the premises by a private Interlacken—if the Jungfrau has the | policeman when I am anxious to catch the next train’ Why is my luggage being placarded a do not correspond with my desired enough to drink ? Saieiieedab-enes butter ? f-a-crown for comestibles valued on the card already overcrowded with aged id enariing opaniels y can I not have a seat, considering I have paid the full fare, Strasbourg—if you are hard up for an appropriate destination. and amply ti Turin—if it is the only town you have not seen in Italy. ‘sg —if you affect the Isle of Skye in a thunder-storm. Venice—if you seorn stings and evil odours. Wiesbaden—if you can enjoy scenery minus gambling. Yokohama—if you are willing to risk assault and battery. Zurich—if you can think of no other place to visit. are where to go on the keep-moving- And, ily oe tourist plan. But when you want to know “‘ Wane To Star,”—we N.B.—The above reply, “‘ At Home.” Why have you refused to give me change for a minus the eighteenpence you have the ee charge for my fare ? Why am I forced into a i, sickly children, Why should I be with places Why can I not have a window open, considering that the glass “Oi onl ptneten tates & ki y can I not smoke, having chosen a smoking carriage ? dictated to by a disa ble and elderly stranger, who snores half the journey, and helps herself to ardent spirits in the tunnels ¢ Why should I be threatened with imprisonment, and be only -on-the-Ditch when I | en route for Paris? ying my fare because I have lost my ticket ? the present), why have I been carried to Little ired to reach the British Coast

Page 13

Aveust 18, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 83 The billies wha the nicht before AIRS RESUMPTIVE. Fay ap t my ex cor ny eed We eaalen : aboot (Being a Record of the 12th.) Ir was anancient poacher-man, Bronzed as a penny-bun ;— | ** By thy beady eye, now tell | me why, Thou offspring of a gun, 0 = me way eneetahit’s ixceeding hoary tuft{chin’s | half a brace of grouse | My verra bad offence. An’ a’ the Kirk declared the work Was perfect deevilrie, An’ hung the bird by this a Arrangement whilk ye eee. ; Twal’ month an’ mair m Precisely use y Hangs, admirably stuffed | | Beneath the curse 0’ noon. He blinked his beady eye ; his | (A paltry wraith of what was voice | once Was singularly clear ; The Laird o’ McAroon. And as I listened to his tale | An’ aye when fa’s the blessed I could not choose but hear. TSealfth Upo’ the Sawbath day, e ‘Mon, ye mun ken I have not Been oe a feckless loon ; | . | the bird in this abeurd In me behold the wreck of what | | Aw eqgvevatle’ wey. Was once The McAroon. | | Te ancient ceased his sorry Oft have I made a merrie bag | e, aoe Across my native heath ; And craved a trifling boon, | Shot o’er my ain ancestral To ag 3 wales of what The Laird o’ McAncox. | awgs Or aiblins underneath. | Until lang syne, a monie year— | Ye couldna w born— | Ditto to Mr. Courtney. | The blessed twalfth of August | | As after jackdaw chatter and J : | owi- ng, Upon a Sawbath morn. — ; Ais | Gratefully follows Philomel's bee wane . % BE 0, after He mnun's gibes and | My biuid was’ pipia’ hot ; : . —- _Heary's jeers, I thocht it crime to gie ‘em 5 ame OF ‘ es x, ome glad- time- . —— > 2eD . -Allowance like a yacht. WON = % 0, a . But though |\Sound “tin the wilderness,” | Searce had I bagged but anc ine ¥ mt THE OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT. non Se eee i , | There was the de'il to pay: | To hear, ’mi lare of venom- It’s unco deadly skaith wi'| Zmily Jane. ‘‘ Yes, I'm ALWAYS A-SAYIN’ TO FATHER AS 'E OVGHTER ed wrath and vanity, ts RETIRE FROM THE CROSSIN’, BUT KEEP AT IT 'E WILL, THOTGH IT AIN'T | The moving tones of ese, | To break the Sawbath day. |srstT No MORE'’N THE Broom As ‘OLDS ‘Im UP!” sound-hearted sanity. | . . . . eae r F the Stock Exchange, it may be just as well to allow our holdings in THE FLY ROUTE TO CASTLES IN THE AIR. | those securities to remain undisturbed ¢ What do you think ? 1! : ‘ | is searcely time to speculate for a . nee more he smiled, an (By Our Imaginary Interviewer.) | as smiling is infectious, I joined him in his merriment. I rounp the great man surrounded by plans and models of any | number of wonderful inventions. Here was a clever scheme for mn : spending a week's holiday in the Mountains of the Moon, there a | TO A VETERAN CHAMPION. recipe for removing the spots from the | [At Clifton, on Aug. 9, inGloucestersbirer. Middlesex, Dr. W.0.Gnackecom- face of the sun. It would take too long | pleted his 1000 runs in first-class matches this summer. The other players to give an inventory of all the marvels. | who share this distinction are Ase, ALwent Waxp, and Brock wet.) Enough to say their name was legion. Wet hit! Mr. Punch chalks it up once more— And 80 you have discovered the secret Your ten-hundredth run between the ** ores es” ! Y of aérial navigation?” I asked, after I ; ; ieee) i x ’ Why, this (at twenty-two yards apiece) is was comfortably seated. : ‘= senson’s score ! The great ~ An smiled. He evidently Tuive-aaue-ans-s half tee peat a rr me _' had solved the diftieult problem. But stay! we've no business to‘ notch” each mile! a. ‘*T suppose that now you and all will be With your cuts and draws, and your drives and trick hits, © *> able to do without ships and railways? I You ’ve only to stand still before the wickets, oS presume we shall be independent of cabs And straight to the boundary “* fours” compile! si wales -— Ss oe t With Aset, Wass, Baccnomns. we hold your own, a nee more there was a smile. was s 94 cricket now nears its finish ; answered. ‘“* Of course,” I continued,‘* you will be able to take your We ‘ih our four figures will ne’er diminish— aérial contrivances to all the countries of the earth? What is there to As“ Grand Old Bat” you shall e’er be known! poorest you from starting flying-machines from London to Paris, or oat | Berlin, or even Timbuectoof” Again there was a pleasant smile. , Evidently my guess was a QUEER QUERIES.—Tue Law anv rae Lany.—Can it really one. | “ You will be able to travel thousands of miles without the assist- | be true that at a place called Onehunga, in New Zealand, they have ance of rails? You will dispense with land and water? All you will a Jady as Mayor? Surely this is altogether “ ultra rires,” as well | require will be the at: ere, and that is always with us—always as being ultra-virile! My legal knowledge—which is considerable— at our service.” convinces me that there is a fatal flaw in the so-called election of a Sm my suggestions remained uncontradicted. woman to the chief post in a municipality, even in New Sheland—I It is truly marvellous,” I remarked; ** truly marvellous! And mean New Zealand. It’s quite settled law that a femme sole cannot | you have commenced? You have been able to through the air be a C tion ; then how, I should like to know, can she 1 | for a dozen, a hundred feet?” There was a smile once again. over a Corporation’ Possibly some legal readers will say if their ** And yet, perhaps, as railways and steamships are still ‘firm’ on | opinion coincides with mine. ARRISTER (UNCALLED FOR).

Page 14

| House of Lords, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 18, 1894. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Lords, Monday Night, August 6.—Manx1ss expected to continue to-night that speech around the Budget he didn’t commence on second reading of the Bill, Sat mysteriously quiet on that occasion, Unex lly broke out at following sitting, wanting to know what Herscne.t meant by saying Judicial Committee of Priv Council had arrived at conclusion that Lords had no power to am a money bill. ‘“‘ Where’s your report?” he asked, “ uce it.” Lory CHANCELLOR didn’t happen to have it in his waistcoat pocket or secreted in wig. Makxrss gave notice that he would to-night formally move for production of report. Flatter of interest in House. Commons flocked in prepared for some fresh ‘* blazing indiscre- tion.” Found the Mark1ss sitting on woolsack chatting with Lorp Cuanceiior. Held book between them, as young persons about to marry are wont to do when attending morning or evening service. Vague idea that presently they would rise and sing ahymn. Lorp CHANceLtor quite equal t» it, being a big gun at the Bar Musical So- ciety and very fond of the Opera. Nothing however came of it, at least, not in that direc- tion. When hour for public business arrived Manrxiss left woolsack carrying the tune book with him. His motion for report of Judicial Committee stood half way down Orders of the Day. When it was reached Manxtss said nothing. Naturally other peers were silent, and whilst commoners accustomed to other ways of transacting business were marvelling as to what had happened, and what would follow, House adjourned, practically for a ’ said Sark for once nonplussed ; ‘‘ certainly if there is a place in the world where ’e don’t know where ’e are, it’s the When a peer is expected to speak he sitsdumb. When arrangements have | been made for a quiet sitting, the Marxrss or some other big gun is sure to go off unex- | pectedly with alarming consequences.’ Business done.—Irish Evicted Tenants Bill | passed Report Stage in Commons. Tuesday.—It is the unexpected that happens | in the House of Commons. Befel to-night with | over Irish Question. | quite another way. | Ditto. igre roared with despairing indi dramatic suddenness, Third reading of Evicted Tenants Bill moved. At eleven o'clock Joseru resumed his seat with pleased consciousness of having cast some balm, in the shape of vitriol, House crowded ; Devon- suree, in depression and dinner dress, looked down from Peers’ Gallery. Over the clock sat SaNpuoRsT, presently to move first reading of Bill in House-of Lords. Arranged Bill should finally leave Commons to-night. Only one hour in which Parsce Arntruur might speak, and Jomw Moruey reply. Josern having des- patched his final arrow at his old friends the Irish Members, the shaft being barbed with points composing pleasing legend, ‘* Violence, Agitation, Dishonesty,” Paryce ARTHUR rose, with evident intent of showing, as has hap- pened several times this Session, how the same sort of thing may be said with better effect in Simultaneously from below gangway uprose the tall figure of Jou ation. Every- thing settled, to last button on the gaiter; Josepm had had his half- hour; Prince Axruve wonld take his, honourably leaving Jouy Morey his thirty minutes. Then Division called; Bill read third time ; sent on to Lords; Commons comfortably home by half-past twelve. And here was Jonny Ditton claiming the right to reply to attacks and inuendos of the genial Josern! Tumult rose; Ditton folded his arms and faced it. A bad sign that gesture. Remember it in years gone by, when all things were peep tarears when Foxster was Chief tary, and, next to Panwett, the hope of the Irish Members fighting for Home Rule | was JoskepH CHAMBERLAIN. Dron in that attitude evidently immoveable ; various suggestions offered. Evade the Twelve o’Clock Rule, and sit till all was over ; —— the Debate. Finally agreed that Debate should be adjourned till to-morrow—to-morrow, the day on which, at end of last real fight of Session, most Members were off on the delayed holiday. Out of this dilemma Paryce Axruvr delivered a grateful House. Had prepared his speech through long sitting ; doubtless had many | The Macgregor proposes to “ toss the Caber ”— next Session ! bright things to say; but what was one speech amon Perish his speech, rather than the whole arrangements . tary week upset. So gracefally stood aside; Ditton took his half hour; Jou» Morrey followed in vigorous form, marking fresh step in steady improvement as Parliamentary iter ; and before midnight all was over. Business done, — Evicted Tenants Bill read third time by 199 votes against 167. _ Wednesday.—M. de Londres—the Hangman, as blunt Britons put it—ealled to-day. House engaged on Committee of Equalisation of Rates Bill ; seat found for ae under Gallery, where private secretaries of ministers and heads of public offices sit when Bills affecting their departments are under discussion. **Monsieur has something to do with the Home Office, n'est ce pas?” L asked Sark. ‘* Looked in, I suppose, to help Asqurrn ?” ** No,” said the Member for Sark. “It’s not that. He’s heard House intends to sus- pend the Standing Orders. Wants to see how we go to work. Not above taking a wrinkle even from amateurs.” “Ah,” said W. P. Jackson, throwing up his hands with gesture of despair. ‘* Knew it would come to this under present Government. First the guillotine, then the gallows.” Business done.— Quite a lot. Thursday.—Southerners long heard of plea- surable hours spent in Committee-room up- stairs, where Seotch Members been en for weeks in Grand Committee on their ] Government Bill. Such badinage! such per- siflage! not omitting refreshing influences of another kind familiar in Noctes Ambrosiane. ’Tis said, when conversation flagged quite usual thing for J. B. Batrour and CHAaRLEs Pearson to strip off coats and waistcoats, two at crosswise on floor, and go through sword--dance, TrEveLyan in the chair leading off colourable imitatior. of bagpipe accompani- ment, in which Committee joined in mad chorus. Not sure about that. Absolutely no doubt that on last day of meeting all the members stood on chairs, with one foot on the table, and, holding hands, sang “Auld Lang Syne.” Bound to say they seem to have exhausted all their hilarity in Committee-room. PARKER Surru still a good deal to say; Hozrer not uncommunieative; and Watrer M‘LAREN enjoys keen satisfaction of insisting on Division that presents smallest minority of the series. But, on the whole, House seems filled with what Sark tell me Edinburgh, occasionally suffering from the visitation, calls ‘* an easterly haar.” Through the cold, wet, white fog, comes one gleam of light. Jomw Mortey brings in a Bill making further provision with respect to Irish Congested peels Deve —— 1: puts cus- tomary question, ‘* Who is prepared to bring in this Bin?” ‘*Mr. Artour Batrovr and myself,” responds the Carer Secretary; and the House gratefully goes off into a fit of laughter. ** Lovely in life,” exclaims Davip PLuwget, looking with almost equal affection on his two right hon. friends, “‘ on the Congested Districts Board (Ireland) Bill the ase not divided.” Business done.—Scotch Local Government Bill. Friday.—Another ‘* Nicht wi’ Bunws.” Sadder even than the last. But sooner over. By eleven o'clock report stage agreed to, “* Shall we take third reading now, or would you like a third night with the Bill?” asked TReveLyay. $ " A shudder ran through the House ; when it was over Bill hurried past final stage. Business done.—Winding-up rapidly. so many? arliamen THE NEW NEWNESS. ** Tuere is nothing new under the sun.” Se said the proverbial But surely ’twas only his fan! A modern and up-to-date teacher Would tell him that Humour, and Art, And Daughters, and Wives, and Morality, All aim to make a fresh start In novel (and nauseous) reality ; And the wail of the Wise Man will be, soon, = ** There is nothing old under the sun—or the moon !

Page 15

— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Avovsr 18, 1894

SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD,

MANUFACTURED BY THE RICHMOND CAVENDISH Co., Lro., AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL, And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad.

“0 BOTTLED BEERS eo | afom m8 SPIRITS WI\RERAL WATERS 27, BROOK S7, LONDON.

| Sti Wed This Grand Ray Wits ae Sample buttle ed RICHD, MATHEWS & CO.

BOS TP ne WRIGHT S:: “COAL TAR: SOAP

TH

TORTURING of torturing, disfiguring, humiliating hameurs [RY IT IN YOUR BATH. SORU $ raat LLOUS 37

a, Bottle for six to wee Bathe ‘Ail Gyecers, Chemists, Etc. SORUBB & 00., 32b Southwark Street, 5.5. MANUFACTURERS OF SCRUBB’S ANTISEPTIC SKIN SOAP | FULL DRESS CIGARETTES.

THE CHOICEST CIGARETTES THAT EXPERIENCE CAN PRODUCE OR MONEY BUY, Manufactured by KINWEY BROS., New York, U.S.A. BOLD EVERYWHERE. In Packets of 80 and Boxes of 50 and 100. INSTANT RELIEF | SUPREME?! for all CLARKE, NICKOLLS & COOMBS’ afflicted with _ 'CARAMELS (“ Milk,’ Oe m ne Ln Bt ae ARE UNRIVALLED.

SKIN DISEASES in a Single Application of G@ticura Ourrerna Wonns Wownpens. and its cures

DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. Por ACIDITY or ras STOMACH, HMRARTEULKY, oe GUUT, and INDIGESTION. Bold throughout the World. SBEARES AUREOLINE PRMEPCILA MAMMLbee Bold by Pestamem: and oeaee throughout Agents: BR novanpent ‘a SON5,

os marvellous. oe tthe world. Price: CoTetcaa, AP, | rik 1, King Edward Street, London, E.C. ; Resorvext. 2/8, F. Newaent 3 iow vo Case Beery Skin Disease,” post-free, WILLS* NAVY GUT “CAPSTAN” Brand w=) Can now be obtained in 2-02, pee * Patent Air-tight Tins, in = Se Three Grades of Strength, vig. :— “MILD,” Yellow label. “MEDIUM,” Blue label. “FULL,” Chocolate label. Lenpos.

! (+> and 3-lb. Patent Air-tight Tins, by al) Dealers in Tobacco. W. D. & H. 0. WILLS, Limited, Bristol and London.

Act Ur-ro-Dats Coxrscrionzas Sau. Tueu OF ALL DEALERS. Martell’s

ab

Brandy. HOTTLED IN COGNAC

| THE KODAK These famous hand or ° | whilst embodying the most <

od cameras, anced ideas in camera construction, are the simplest and most compact Photographic insiru- ments made. ually suitable for boy or gir, novice photography, or photographic expert. * t to so pictures can be made eo recharge. Strongly recommended by travellers in led parts of the globe. | Prices from £1: 6:0 to £22: 1: 0. Ilustrated Catalogue free on application. Manufactured solely by EASTMAN pvr OXFORD ST. LONDON. PARIS: 4 Place Vendome. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. the lovel *Chétain Fone wl pha eolour ths only by W. WINT 7 tin Mair MUINE yh valuab . AkInt om, ‘ue ’ } "ta de i uM, oe OF Price 6s. 6d., IOs. Gf , tis

L OER MA ny

RAZOR asqviat Warranted Pertect GR a deste, 6/6, weet, 7/6, “see Decors”

WHI.

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avausr 18, 1894. ARS NO Li SPECIALTY for bailbis fi ; ] bbs seseh ny, » ——— —=__ 4 ~ Ss, | Abii aa : ’ = = ees em Zz CAUTIO' ¥ TO pausE rs The lelicate i, n of with the m 4; hen nfants anl Children is particularly lixble to injury from coarse and unrefined Toilet Soap, whieh fe Arie tally ~eole: ared Soap : itabi ity, redness, ani blotchy appearance of the Skin from which miny children suffer. It s are otter: 1 ‘Po 2isonous, particularly the red, blue, ani green varieties; and nearly all Toilet Sosps contain an excess of “Oued,” asually contains mach more Soda than others, owing to the use of Cocoa-Nut Oil, which makes a bad alkaline soap, very injurious to the skin, besides i pe on it. The serious injury to children resulting from these Soaps often remains unsuspected, in spite = maa warnings, until the unhealthy and» | Skin has developed into some unsightly disease, not infrequently baffling the skill of the most eminent the Printed by Stuart Smith, of No %, Loraine Read, Holloway, in the Parish . A. ee! Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Uffices of Mesars. Bradbury Lom bard i Street, in the Precinct of W hitefriars, in the City of London, and Dlished’by him at to. OS, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of Lenton-bacuenes, ana including Postage, 15s. 0d. is. Office, RBATLIR DAY. ,:amuwkt tf cvecrnyv