Punch 1894-08-04: Vol 107 Iss 2769

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c= Mr Puncks Picture mateo peannt ond} PG TURES Published. agreeable holiday companion, who is always in PRICE humour. Order from your Bookseller the ££ C 3 _ Sachas Feilael tat ae don oth te FROM PUN H mar = ~r™ c . N ~ ~~ CS aS Sh

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PUNC H, » OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevusr 4, 1894

— > or -- OFIENT, COMPANY'S YACHT , CRUISES by the steamships LUSITANI SMOKE THE CELEBRATED | 9 HUISES. oy the sammie LUT me register, leaving London as under, and Gunn +e * later>—-For NOMWAY and 61; a 3 ; banens let Aug. for 33 days. For SOUTH LAs (¢ | XOKWAY and COPENHAGEN, find Aug for a con 30 For the ME DITEKRANE, AN, itn sept " ; days String band, clectric light, electric ; | hot and cod baths, high-class cuisine > | Managers r Ores m and (o., and And crsea, o. Head Uffices, : enchurch Avey nue, For passage apr y to ‘the latte z firm, at urch Avenue, » or to the est Ead AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS Br AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. RIGHTON | RICHMOND CAVENDISH Bees Daily Consumption, 50 Tons.’ HOTEL METROPOLE | | The finest and Co. L10., SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. each: Millinitens - ———— Seaside Hotel in the World. SWEETENED TOBACCO, VLG ak FOR BREAKFAST. PARES eaters

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Auoust 4, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SPORT FOR RATEPAYERS. August 1st.—Deer-shooting in Victoria Park commences. 2nd. wr eterne tion of venison to ‘* Progressive” County Councillors and their families—especially to Alder- men. 3rd. — Stalking American bison in the Marylebone dis- Lve- ls permitted from — y. A | = competent surgeons wi 2 outside the palings. 4th.—Chamois-coursing in | er — Jeph 5th.—A few rogue e ants | having been imported (at con- sid e expense to the rates), and located in the Regent's | Park, the Chairman of the L. C. C., assisted by the Park- | keepers, will give an exhibi- | tion of the method employed in snaring them. The ele- phants in the Zoological Gar- | dens will be expected to assist, 6th.—_ Bank Holiday.— Popular festival on Hampstead Heath. Two herds of red deer will be turned on to the Heath at different points, and three or four specially procured man-eating Bengal tigers will be let loose at the Flag-staff to pursue them. Visitors may hunt the deer or the tigers, whichever they prefer. Ex- rifles recommended, also the use of bullet-proof coats, No dynamite to be —— against the tigers. mbu- aA “~~ ) f.| i ne y ae ? ty Pay ‘* GENEROSITY. “WILL you Andrew (preparing to divide the orange). cHoose THE Bio HALF, GEORGIE, OR THE WEE HALF!” George. **’'Covunse I'LL cHoose THE Bic HALF.” Andrew (with resignation), ‘‘Taen I'LL JU8T HAVE TO MAKE "EM EVEN.” 49 ‘The Council’s Band, up some of the tallest trees, will perform musical selec- tions. 7th.—Races at Wormwood Scrubbs between the Council's own ostriches and leading eycliste. A force of the Al ivision of the Metropolitan Police, mounted on some of the reindeer from the enclosure at | Spring Gardens, will be sta- tioned round the ground to |prevent the ostriches es- leaping into the adjoining | country. , ora oy~- —s drop in the contests) to West-End bonnet-makers at Union prices, 9th.— Grand review of all the Council's animals on Clapham Common. Procession through streets (also at Union rate). Banquet on municipal venison, tiger chops, elephant steaks, and ostrich wings at Spring Gardens, Progressive fireworks. ‘ RATHER A CHANGE — FOR THR BeTreR.—They (the dockers) wouldn’t listen to Ben Truerr, They cried out to him, “* We 2 you and starve ourselves.” Hullo! the revolt of the sheep’ are they beginning to think that their leaders and instigators are after all not their best friends? ‘*O TriLterr not in Gath!” And Little Bew may say to himself, “I'll wait TILL-ET?’s over,” lances in the Vale of Health. LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. V.—Scnoor. “A Distant View.” “Distance lends enchantment” — kindly Distance ! : Wiping out all troubles and disgraces, How we seem to cast, with your assistance, All our boyish }ines in pleasant places! Greek and Latin, struggles mathematic, These were worries leaving slender traces ; Now we tell the boys (ve wax emphatic) How our lines fell all in pleasant places. How we used to draw (immortal Wackford !) Evcciip's figares, more resembling faces, Surreptitiously upon the black-board, Crade yet telling lines in pleasant places. Fienat places ! ; set - no misnomer. m positions ?— little scape-graces ; Writing out a book or so of Homer, Even those were lines in pleasant places ! How we scam o'er the country, leading Apoplectic farmers pretty chases, Over crops, through fences all unheeding, Stiff cross-country lines in pleasant places. Yes, and how—too soon youth's early day flies— In the purling bro.k which seaward races How we used to poach with luscious May-flies, Casting furtive lines in pleasant Then the lickings! scorning Girlish outery, though we made grimaces ; Only smiled to tind ourselves next morning ae marked with lines in pleasant places ! How we took them, ma Mater, whether young or olden, | Al Thanks to you for hosts of friendly faces, golden, Treasured memories, days of boyhood Lines that fell in none but pleasant LONDON BICYCLISTS. (Mr. Asacirn said that he was informed by the Chief Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police that undoubtedly numerous accidents were caused by bicycles and tricycles, though he was not pre- pared to say from the cause of the machines passing on the near instead of the off side of the road. Bicycles and tricycles were carriages, and should conform to the rules of the road, and the police, as far as possible, enforced the law as to riding to the common danger.” —Daily Graphic, July 25.) Rounp the omnibus, past the van, Rushing on with a reckless reel, Darts that horrible nuisance, an Ardent cyclist resolved that he ’ll Ride past everything he can, Heed not woman, or child, or man, Beat some record, some ride from Dan To Beersheba ; that seems his plan. Why does not the Home Office London fiends of the whirling wheel ? Let them ride in the country so, Dart from Duncansbay Head to Deal, Shoot as straight as the flight of crow, Sweep as t seeks a meal, We don’t care how the deuce they go, aot yy aes we know ists, hurrying to ro, ake each ble man their foe, Riders, walkers alike cry ‘‘ Whoa! Stop these fiends of the whirling wheel!” VOL, CVI, | ODE ON SACRIPICE. Amrp the glowing pageant of the year There comes too soon th’ inevitable shock, | That token of the season sere, | To the unthinking fair so cheaply dear, | Who, like to shipwreck’d seamen, do it hail, And ery, “ A Sale! a Sale! A Sale! a Summer Sale of Surplus Stock!” See, how, like b= Sy end bees Around the ineffable fragrance of the lime, Woman, unsparing of the salesman’s time, Reviews the stock, and chaffers at her ease, Nor yet, for all her talking, purchases, | But takes away, with copper-bulgéd purse, The textile harvest of a quiet eye, | Sones bargains still unbought, and power to buy. Or she, her daylong, garrulous labour dune, Some victory o’er reluctant remnants won, Fresh from the trophies of her skill, | Things that she needed not, nor ever will, She takes the well-earned bun ; Ambrosial food, Demerer erst design'd As the app: food of womankind, Plain, or with comfits deck’d and spice ; Or, daintier, dallies with an ice. Nor feels in heart the worse Because the haberdashers thus disperse — Their surplus stock at an astounding sacrifice ! | Yet Contemplation pauses to review The per cay ee meet the silkworm’s care, The fate of fabries whose materials grew In the same fields of cotton or of flax, Or waved on fellow-flockmen’s fleecy back, And the same mill, , case, emporium, shelf, did share.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[Avousr 4, 1894. |

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Acoust 4, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 51 ** ADDING INSULT,” &c. Scent—Hunters cantering round Show Ring. “outh on hard-mouthed Grey (having just cannoned against old Twentystun), ‘‘’"Scusx me, StR,—'BLIGED TO Dd IT. Noru#inxe Less THAN A HAYSTACK sToPs HIM!” THE RIDER’S VADE MECUM. (For Use in Rotten Row.) Question. What part of London do you consider the most dan- gerous for an equestrian ? Answer, That part of the Park known as Rotten Row. Q. Why is it so dangerous ? A. Because it is overcrowded in the Season, and at all times im- perfectly kept. Q. What do you mean by “ imperfectly kept” ? A. I mean that the soil is not free from bricks and other impedi- ments to comfortable and tafe riding. Q. Why do you go to Rotten Row ? A. Because it is the most convenient place in London fur the resi- dents of the West End. Q. But would not Battersea Park do as well ? A. It is farther afield, and at present, so far as the rides are con- cerned, given over to the charms of solitude. Q. And is not the Regent’s Park also available fur equestrians ? A. Tosome extent ; but the roads in that rather distant pleasaunce | are not comparable for a moment with the ride within view of the | Serpentine. o. Would a ride in Kensington Gardens be an advantage ? A. Yes, to some extent; still it would scarcely be as convenient | as the present exercising ground. ; . Then you admit that there are (and might be) pleasant rides | other than Rotten Row? ‘ A. Certainly; but that fact does not dispense with the necessity of | reform in existing institutions. Q. Then you consider the raising of other issues is merely a plan to | confuse and obliterate the original contention * : A. Assuredly; and it is a policy that has been tried before with success to obstructors and failure to the grievance-mongers. Q. So as two blacks do not make one white you and all believe that | Rotten Row should be carefully i and the causes of the recent accidents ascertained and remedied A. I do; and, further, am convinced that such a course would be 3 the benefit of the public in general and riders in Rotten Row in icular, | “ PERSONALLY CONDUCTED.” ’T1s a norrible tale I’m a-going to narrate ; It ha ed—vell, each vone can fill in the date! It’s a heartrending tale of three babbies so fine. Whom to spifflicate pomety their foes did incline. Ven they vos qvite infants they lost their mamma ; They vos left all alone in the vorld vith their pa. But to vatch o’er his babbies vos always Ais plan— (Chorus)— ’Cos their daddy he vos sich a keerful old man! He took those three kiddies all into bis charge, And kep them together so they shouldn’t ** go large.” Two hung to his coat-tails along the hard track And the third one, he clung to his neck pick-a-back. The foes of those kiddies they longed for their bleed, And they swore that to carry ’em he shouldn’t succeed, But to save them poor babbies he hit on a plan— (Chorus)— ’Cos their dadda he vos sich a artful old man! Some hoped, from exposure, the kids would ketch cold, And that croup or rheumatics would lay ’em in the mould ; But they seemed to survive every babbyish disease, Vich their venomous enemies did not qvite please, But, in course, sich hard lines did the kiddies no good ; They got vet in the storm, they got lost in the vood, But their dad cried, *‘ I "ni yet save these kids if I can!’ — ( Chorus) — ’Cos their feyther he vos sich a dogged old man! Foes hoped he ’d go out of his depth,—or his mind,— Or, cutting his stick, leave his babbies behind, Ven they came to the margin of a vide roaring stream. And the kids, being frightened, began for to scream. But he cries, cheery like, “‘ Stash that hullabulloo! Keep your eye on your father, and ag’ ll pull you through! !"- Vich some thinks he ril/ don any von can— us — ’Cos Sir Vittycm he is sich a walliant old man!

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| taste PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 4, 1894. LYRE AND L { Story in ANCET. CROSS-PURPOSES PART \ Scene VI.—A Firast-Ch Lady Maisie (to herself). Poets don't seem to have much self- possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like that. If only he doesn’t lose his head completely and say something about my wretched letter ! Spurrell (to himself). 1'd better tell ’em before they find out for themselves. (Aloud; des- My lady, I —I feel I ought to explain at once how I come to '- going down to Wyvern like this. Lady MAIstx only juat suppresses a terrified gas Compartment, perate ly. p? oleat, Lady mused Canttre My (he nign ly good Sir, there not the slightest necessity, I am_ perfectly uware of who you are, and everything about you ! “rr. incredulously). But really I don't see how your ladyship Why, I haven't said aword that Lady Cant. waggish neas). Spe with a solemn Celebrities who mean to preserve their wncognilo shouldn’t allow their friends to see them off. I happened to hear a certain Andromeda mentioned, and that was quite enough for Me! Spurr himself, lieved). knows; seen the sketch of me in the Dog Fancier, | expect; goes in for breeding bulls herself, very likely. Well, that’s a load off my mind! (Aloud. You don't say so, my lady. I'd no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way; most agreeable sur- prise to me, I can assure you ! Lady Cant. I see no rea- son for surprise in the matter. I have always endeavoured to cultivate my in all directions; to keep in touch with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and everything. Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid glance at most | things; but I hope some day | to be able to have another | look at your Andromeda, | | bear the most glowing ac- | counts from all the judges. Spurr. (to himself). She | knows all the judges! She must be in the fancy! (Aloud, Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be proud and happy to bring her round for your inspection. ; Lady Cant If you are kind enough to iffer me a copy of Andromeda, I shall be most pleased to possess one, fo re- "She mene with condescension) Spurr. (to himself). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush m¢ for a pup. J never offered her one! (Aloud. ell, as to that, my lady, L’ve promised so many already, that really [ don’t—but there—I'll see what I ean do for you. I'll make a note of it; you mustn't mind having to wait a bit. Lady Cant (ratsing her eyebrou s port existence in the meantime. Lady Maisie (to herself). 1 couldn't have believed that the man who could write such lovely verses should be so—well, not exactly | a gentleman! How petty of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps ' . 1 will make an effort to sup- “ Searching every pocket but the mght one.’ geniuses never are. And as if it mattered! And I’m sure he’s very natural and simple, and I shall like him when I know him. [ The train slackens. Lady Cant. What station is this? Oh, it is Shuntingbridge. (To SpurRett, as they get out.) Now, if you'll kindly take e of these bags, and go and see whether there 's engtiaes from Wyvern to meet us—you will find us here when you come back. Scese VII.—On the Platform at Shuntingbridge. Lady Cant. Ah, there you are, Pariiirson! Yes, you can take the jewel-case ; and now you had better go and see after the trunks. Patcurson Aurries back to the luggage-ran ; SPURRELL returns.) , Mr.—I always forget names, 80 1 you ** AnpromepA” —have you found—— The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and we’ll get in. { They go outside. U oe of another part of the platform — te himself). Where has Miss Mv. disap to? Oh, there she . “TY out her luggage. at a quan- tity she travels with! Can't be such a rery poor relation. How pate | and collected she is, and how she orders the porters about! I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. (Zo a porter.) That’s mine—the brown one with a white star. I want it to go to Wyvern Court—Sir Rupert CULVERIN’S. Porter (shouldering it). Right, Sir. Follow me, if you please. [ He disappears with it. Und. (to himself). I mustn’t leave Miss MULL alone. (Advancing to her.) Can I be of any assistance ¢ Phillipson, It's all done now. But you might try and find out how we’re to get to the Court. [ UNDERSHELL departs ; is re- quested to produce his ticket, and spends several minutes in searching every pocket but the right one. Scene VIIL.—The Station Yard at Shuntingbridge. Lady Cant. (from the interior of the Wyvern om- nibus, testily, to Footman). What are we waiting for now? Is my msid coming with us—or how ? Footman, There’s a fly ordered to take her, my lady. Lady Cant, (to SPuRRE.L, who is standing below). Then it’s you who are keeping us! Spurr. If your yship will excuse me, I’ll just go and see if they’ve put out , hy a Lady Cant. (impatiently), Never mind about your bag. (To Footman.) What have you done with this gentleman’s luggage ? Footman, Everything for the Court is on top now, my lady. [ He opens the door for SPURRELL. Lady Cant. (to Sroxrett, who is still irresolute), For goodness’ sake don’t hop about on that step! Come in, and let us start. Lady Maisie. Please get in—there’s plenty of room! Spurr. (to himself), They are chummy, and no mistake! (Aloud, as he gets in.) Ido hope it won't be considered any intrusion—my coming up along with your ladyships, I mean ! Lady Cant. (snappishly). Intrusion! I never heard such non- sense! Did you ex to be asked to run behind? You really mustn't be go ridic ly modest. As if your Andromeda hadn't procured you the entrée everywhere ! { The omnibus starts. Spurr. (to himself). Good old Drummy! No idea I was such a

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Avoeust 4, 1894. 53 a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. “THE LITTLE MORE AND HOW MUCH IT IS.” She (engaged to another). ‘‘W DON’T SEEM TO BE GETTING ON VERY WELL; SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WEIGHING Ts DOWN |” He (gloomily), ‘‘Ir’s THatT Diamowp anp Saprutre Ring ON YOUR LEFT HAND. WE SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT!” — swell. I'll keep my, tail up. Shyness ain’t one of my failings, | (Aloud to an indistinct mass at the further end of the omnibus, which is unlighted.) Er—hum—pitch dark night, my lady, don’t get much idea of the country! (Zhe mass makes no response.) I was saying, my lady, it’s ray to—— (The mass snores peacefully.) Her ladyship seems to be taking a snooze on the quiet, m y. (To| Lady Marste.) (7 himself.) Not that that’s the word for it! Lady Maisie (distantly). My Mother gets tired rather easily. (To) herself.) It’s really too dreadful; he makes me hot all over! [If he’s going to do this kind of thing at Wyvern! And I’m more or | less responsible for him, too! I must see if I can’t—— It will be) only kind. (Aloud, nerrously.) Mr.—Mr. Brare! Spurr. Excuse me, my lady, not BLarr—SPpurRReELL. Lady Maisie, Of course, how stupid of me. i knew it wasn’t | really your name. Mr. Spurrgxt, then, you—you won't mind if I give you just one little hint, will you? Spurr. I shall take it kindly of your ladyship, whatever it is. Lady Maisie (more nervously still), It’s really such a trifle, but— but, in speaking to Mamma or mé, it isn’t at all necessary to say ‘my lady’ or ‘ your ladyship.’ I—I mean, it sounds rather, well— formal, don’t you know ! Spurr. (to himself), She’s going to be chummy now! (Alonud.) I thought, on a first acquaintance, it was only manners. Lady Maisie. Oh—manners? yes, I—I daresay—but still—but still—not at Wyvern, don’t you know, If you like, you can call | Mamma ‘ Lady Cantree,’ AP pod * Lady Marsiz,’ and, of course, my | Aunt will be ‘ Lady Cutvertn,’ but—but if there are other people | staying in the house, you needn’t call them anything, do you see ? Spurr. (to himself). I’m not likely to have the chance! (Aloud.) Well, if you’re sure they won’t mind it, because I’m net used to this sort of thing, so I put myself in your hands,—for, of course, you | know what brought me down here ? Lady Maisie (to herself). He means my foolish letter! Oh, 1| must put a stop to that at onee! (In a hurried undertone.) Yes—| yes; I—I think I do. I mean, I do know—but—but please forget | it— indeed you must ! Spurr. (to himself). Forget I’ve come down asa vet? The Cuz- VERINS will take care I don't forget that! (Aloud.) But, I say, it’s all Mey well; but how can I ? Why. look here ; I was told I was to come down here on purpose to —. Lady Maisie (on thorns). 1 know-—-you needn't tell: me! And) don't speak so loud! Mamma might hear! Spurr. (puzzled). What if she did? Why, I thought her la— your Mother knew ! | sorry Wyvern at last! Oh, how dense he is! (Aloud.) Yes—yes—of course she knows— but—but you might wake her! And—and please don’t allude to it again—to me or—or anyone. (7 herself.) That 1 should have to beg him to be silent like this! But what can 1 do? Goodness only knows what he mightn’t say, if I don’t warn him! _ Spurr. (nettled), I don’t mind who knows. I’m not ashamed of it, Lady Marste—whatever you may be! Lady Maisie (to herself, ex ated), He Sanco tohaniy that I’ve done something to be ash of! (Aloud; haughtily.) 1'm not ashamed—why should I be? Calg can't you really understand Cate ae ty pe Se one 't care to be re- minded of publicly ? I don’t wish it—ien’t that enough ? Spurr. (to himself), 1 see what she's at now—doesn’t want it to come out that she’s travelled down here witha vet! (Aloud, stiffly ) A lady’s wish is enough for me at anytime. If you’re or having gone out of your way to be friendly, why, I’m not the person to take advantage of it. I hope I know how to behave. [ He takes refuge in offended silence. Lady Maisie (to herself). Why did I say engthing atall! I’veonly made things worse—I’ve let him see that he Aas an advantage. And he’s certain to use it sooner or later—unless I am civil to him. I’ve offended him now—and I shall have to make it up with him ! Spurr. (to himself). 1 thought all along she didn’t seem as chummy as her mother—but to turn on me like this ! Lady Cant. (waking up). Well, Mr. Awpromepa, I should have thought you and my daughter might have found some subject in common; but I haven’t heard a word from either of you since we left the station. Lady Maisie (to herself), That’s some comfort! (Aloud.) You must have had a nap, Mamma, We—we hare been talking. Spurr. Oh yes, we have been talking, I can assure you—er—Lady Cantire ! Lady Cant, Dear me. entertaining ? Lady Maisie. M-most entertaining, Mamma! Lady Cant, I’m quite sorry I missed it. (The omnibus stops.) But what a journey it’s been, to be sure ! Spurr. (to himself). 1 should just think it had, I’ve never been so taken u ut down in all my life! and, thank goodness, [’m not likely to mag € Well, Marsre, I hope the conversation was more of 'em ! gets out with alacrity. Mrs. R. has often had a cup of tea in a storm, but she cannot for Lady Maisie (to herself). He actually thinks I should tell Mamma! ' the life of her see how there can possibly be a storm in a tea-cup. But it’s over now: } )

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PUN( H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Hostess. “* Yo "VE EATEN HARDLY ANYTHING, My: A) iy Ce y if gay af, MEH Aad) INFELICITOUS MISQUOTATIONS. Mr. Stwpxins!” Mr. S. ‘‘ My pear Lavy, I've Drvep ‘ WISELY, BUT NoT TOO weLL!’” THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT. [“*Russia’s love of peace is outweighed by her duty to safeguard her vital interests, which would seriously suffer were Japan or China to modify the present state of things in Corea.” — Official Russian view of the Corean situation, given by “ Daily Telegraph” Correspondent at St. Petersburg.| Bevin, loquitur. “ Dory to safeguard my interests?” Quite so! Nice way of putting it, yes, and so moral ! Yet I love Peace! Pity game-cocks will fight so! Distigures their plumes and their combs’ healthy “* coral.” Big Cochin-China and Bantam of Jap Feel at each other they must have a slap. Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o0-o LBB Humph! I must keepa sharp eye on the two! Peace, now! She is such a loveable darling ' Goddess I worehip in rapt contemplation. Spurring and crowing, and snapping and snarling, Wholly unworthy a bird—or a nation! Still there is Duty! I have an idea Vine or in watching this fight in C orea. Cock- -a- doodle-do- -0-0-0 Box. yonder looks in a bit of a stew ' Some say my destiny pointeth due North, lee-caves are all very well—for a winter- rest. But Bev IN "s fond of adventuring forth ; In the *‘ Far East” be feels quite a warm interest ; Butt doesn’t like it at all. Bat then Brit Fancies that no one should feed when Ae’s full! Cock-a-doodle-do-o-0-0 |!!! I am still hungry, and love chicken-stew ! | To make the Corea a cock- May suit you, or even China ; Fist huge Coc But unhapp I feel, Dinah, Asif I could swallow a eup of ‘cold pison.’ But—still—these antagonists I must = eyes on. Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o0-o ! ! ! Coekfighting is cruel, Duty, dear boys! Ah! there’s nothing ste | Duty. | Gives one “* repose”’ of ie Go it, young Jap! But like that Blacksmith | beauty. your opponent’s an awfully sani fellow. Little bit slow at first, sluggish and lum- | bering But when he makes a fair start there’s no slumbering. ( ‘ock-a- doodle -do-0-0-0 | , How his new steel spurs shone as he | ew! pry Sakes! Now, should I stop it, or should I take sides ? | Bc. and the other onlookers seem fid ety! ( ochin strikes hard, but indulges in “* eiien Game-cock is game—though a little mite midgety. Well, whate’ er the end be, and whichever win feut in. I think the game ’s mine, when I choose to Cock-a-doodle-do-o0-0-o ! ! ! I'm safe for a dinner—off ane of the two! [ Left considering and chortling. | young J appr, | fighting you know always makes me ike | poor Villikins robbed of his|* That last drive was a | Away with the scissors! THE WAR CRY. | ( Dedicated (without permission) to the Pioneer Clid ) oUSE ye, ye women, and flock to your banners! . ar is Zeclased on the enemy, Man ‘If A — *t teach him to better his manners, y the creature as close as we can! No oe r the heel of the tyrant shall grind us, Rouse ye and rally! The despot defy! -O , | And the false craven shall tremble to find us —but stirring fun, too! | Resolved to a woman to do or to die. Chorus, | Then hey! for the latchkey, sweet liberty’s symbol ! Greet it, ye girls, with your lustiest cheer ! Away with the thimble! And hey nonny no for the gay Pioneer! | Why should we writhe on a clumsy side-saddle Designed on a most —— lan ? | Women! submit yenolonger! Ride straddle, And jump on the corns of your enemy, Man! Storm the iniquitous haunts of his pleasure, Leave him to nurse the dear babes when they fret, | Dine at St. James’ in luxurious leisure, And woo the delights of the sweet cigarette! Look to your latchkeys! The whole situation Upon the possession of these will depend. Use them, ye women, without hesitation, And dine when ye will with a gentleman friend. Man’s a concoction of sin and of knavery— Women of India, China, Ja Rouse ye, and end ‘this inglorious slavery ' Down with the tyrant! Down, down with the Man!

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avovusr 4, 1894 es ‘ . SSS Brury. “ 4 BSA . »), 4 iG ; , es iti Wy he ys NM om ih NI y vi i i mn | \ Nits iy W/ ; f' ’ Ney ) A) i THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT. “HA !—WHICHEVER WINS, I SEE MY WAY TO A DINNER!

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Aveust 4, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 57 THE BANK HOLIDAY | DREAM BOOK. (Compiled by our Pet Pessimist,) | Ir you imagine that it will be fine, and consequently that you ean don the lightest of attire, you may be sure that it will be cold and wet, and ab- | solutely unsuitable to travel- | ling. If you fancy that you will | enjoy a delightful visit to some | intimate friends, you will find that you have had your journey to a spot ‘‘ten miles from any- where” for nothing, as your intended hosts have gone abroad for the season. If you believe that you are seeing a favourite piece being | plaved admirably at a West | End theatre, you will discover that the programme wasaltered four days ago, and that the temple of the drama will not reopen until the autumn. If you arrange to go abroad with a friend, you will quarrel | with your acquaintance on the | following morning, and dis- | arrange your plans for a life- | time. Lastly, if you dream that | you have decided to give up | | gadding about on a bank holi- il ay to remain at home, you will | see that it is better to follow your fancy, and avoid the risk turing to strange places and pastures new. BEFORE THAT!” THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY, | >. ‘* WELL, GOOD-BYE FOR THE PRESENT, Dearest ! of making a mistake by adven- | QUITE WELL AND STRONG WHEN Il CAN NEXT COME AND SEE you.” nm ‘‘On, I nope I SHALL BE WELL AND STRONG ENOUGH TO BE AWAY | means:—Great is VERITY, an | IN SHEER DELIGHT. (A Surrey Rondel.) In sheer delight I sing the country’s praise. The town no longer takes me day or night. *Mid scented roses one should loil and laze In sheer delight. The corn fields unto harvest glisten white, In pastures lowing kine con- tented graze. Per train (South-Eastern) now to wing his flight No lover of the Surrey side delays. My own case you suggest ? | Of course you're right. Which p'r’aps explains why I to spend my days In Shere delight ! “Sontes AQuaTic®”; or, | MAxtm vor THR MAIDENHFAD | Reeatta,— After a rattling |race with Kiipy of Staines |(who was worn to a stand- stilt) and Cowen of Maiden- | bead (who pitched overboard), | Vextry of Weybridge easily retained the Upper Thames Single Punting phenene- Why, cert'n’ly! hat lsays the old Latin saw? I nore you'i. Be! Magna est Veritas, et pre- |ralebit! Which (obviously ‘he shall prevail ! LORD ORMONT’S MATE AND MATEY’S AMINTA. By G***GE M*R*D*TH. Vorvme II. THE die was now a-casting. Hurtled though devious windings far from ordered realms where the Syntax Queen holds sway, spin- ning this way and that like the whipped box-wood beloved of youth but deadly to the gout-ridden toes of the home-faring Alderman, now sinking to a fall, now impetuously whirled on a devil-dance, clamorous as Cocytus, the lost souls filling it to the brink, at last the meaning glimmered to the eye—not that wherein dead time hung just above the underlids, but the common reading eye a-thirst for meanings, baffled again and again and drooping a soporific lid slowly, nose a-snore, and indolent mind lapped in slamber. ‘They discussed it. “Amita Literary Causerie ?” breathed AmInTA. ** No, but food for such.” ** And if I am ?” she said. ‘**Turgidity masquerading as depth, Was ever cavalry general so tortured into symbolism ? ”’ **T remain,” she insisted, ‘**T go to Paris,” was his retort. **My aunt stays with me.” ‘“* Thank Heaven! ” he muttered. The design was manifest. Who should mistake it?. For a fencer plays you the acrobat, a measure he, poised on a plum-box with jargon-mouth agape for what shall come to it. Is the man uncon- scious? The worse his fate. For the fact is this. All are Mere- dithians in dialogue, tarred with one brush abysmally plunged in the hot and steaming tank, a general tarred, a tarred tutor, a tarred sister, aunt reeking of the tar and General’s Doubtful Lady chin- deep in the compound, and no distinction. Clatter, crash, bang. Helter-skelter comes dashing Lady Caar- Lotre, a forest at her heels dragged in chains for all a neighbour may pout and fret and ride to hounds, She switched him a brat-face tter-down of an apology tamed to the net-ponds of a busk-madder, lue nose vermilion, mannish to the outside, breathing flames and scattering apish hop-poles like a hute blown into by the bellows of a hugger-mugger ormity. “I can mew,” shé said. ‘Old women can ; it’s a way they have. The person you call... but no—I pass it. Was ever such follyinaman’ And that man my brother Rowstey. But you have seen her you say—a iard— Ay de mi; Seforita, and the rest of the gibberish. at is her colour °” The question flicked him like a hansom's whip, that plucks you out an optic, policeman in helmet looking on, stolid on the mum- chance. Out it goes at whip-end and no remedy, blue, green, brown or bloodshot. Glass can imitate or porcelain, and a pretty trade ’s a-doing in these, making a man like two light-houses, one fixed as fate, the other revolving like the earth on its axis, ** Brown,” he answered, humbly. ** Morsrretp’s after her,” said Lady Cuantotre. ** Let him.” ** But he’s dangerous.” **T can trounce such, trick.” , : A lady came moving onward. She bad that in her gait which showed command, her bonnet puckered to the front, a fat aunt trailing behind. They came steadily, It was Amma with her aunt. Lord Ormont, his temper ablaze like his manuscript, thirty-four pages, neither more nor less, sang ly mane advice given gratis to the loutish neglecting nation, stepped forward. ‘* You must remove her,” he declared to Wersury. ‘* But the aunt ?”’ questioned Marry. ; ‘She must go too. See to it quickly!” He fell back, the irre- vocable quivering in his eyeball, destiny mocking with careless glee, while Morsrreip and a bully-captain saw their chances and just missed the taking. q Away they clattered, Marry and Amina, leaving the Paowet to her passion-breathing MorsrieLp. Exp or Vor. II. Did it at school, and can remember the r THE END OF THE OPERA SEASON. Solo and Chorus. | Who knew so ‘‘ where he are!” Tae Opera time began in May, he o- And ended but last Saturday. -perafical campaign can plan We hope it has been made to pay | With sure success! no better man Chorus. Avovsrus Dxvnio- For operatic venture than Lanus! Chorus (in unison), Avovetus DrvuntoLanvs! All, The Opera time, &c. (as above), Solo. Not in the days of Makto Was there an Impresario, Arranger of scenario, Maxm ror Crciists.—‘‘ Try-cycle before you Buy-cycle.”

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[Aveust 4, 1894. — = _— = — i —_ | = S) = — Z | ¥ 4 8. SSS SS et

a WY pa s : » ; “ar 7 = ~~ = ate eae ™ , 3 rT = ry a \ i | a it MA SY SRE A ie eS Ne if HUB —* as < 78<) Aree ey eect ¥¥¥'= | ¢ Bek 5 = — SF, —— : x : SS - s Pal

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REAL ENJOYMENT. Non-Golfer (middle-aged, rather stout, who would like to play, and has been recommended it as healthy and amusing), ‘‘ Weiu, I caxnor SEE WHERE THE EXCITEMENT COMES IN IN THIS GAME!” Caddie, ‘‘Eu, MON, THERE '8 MORE SWEARING USED OVER GOLF THAN ANY OTHER GAME! D'ye No ca’ THAT Excitement?” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House f Commons, Monday, July 23.—Quite like old times to hear Tra Heaty saying a few plain things about landlords ; Prixce ARTHUR replying ; Tim growling out occasional contradiction ; whilst O’Brien hotly interrupts. To make the reminiscence complete JoserH contributes a speech in which he heaps contumely and scorn on representatives of Irish nationality. Tim reminds him how different was his attitude, how, varied his voice, at epoch of Kilmainham Treaty. Tim has a rough but effective way of fastening upon a name or phrase, and even blatantly reiterating it. us, when OLp Monatiry, in his kindly manner, once alluded to a visit paid to him at a critical time by his ‘old friend Mr. Waren,” Tr leaped down upon it, and, characteristically leaving out the customary appellation, filled the air with scornful reference to “* my old friend ALTER.” To-night, desiring to bring into sharp contrast JosErn’s present attitude towards Ireland and the landlord party with that assumed by him twelve years ago, he insisted upon calling the Arrears Bill of 1882 “the Chamberlain Act.” It wasn’t Josern’s possession or invention any more than it was the Squire oF ALwoop’s. But that way of putting it doubly suited Trx’s pur- pose. It permitted him, without breach of order, to allude by name to the member for West Birmingham ; there’s a deal in a name when the syllables are hissed forth with infinite hate and scorn. | Also it accentuated the changed position ris-d-ris Ireland to which further reflection and honest conviction have brought the prime mover in the Kilmainham Treaty. Irish Members, forgetting ir own quarrels with Tim as he fustigated the common enemy, roared with delight. A broad smile my a decorous sympathy wi is right hon. friend. | The Duke of Devenan,— late the Leader of the Liberal Party,” —from the Peers’ Gallery surveyed the scene with stolid countenance. | Josrpn, orchid-decked, sat in his corner seat below the gway, | staring straight before him as one who saw not neither did he hear. usiness done.—Tim Heaty goes on the rampage. Evict Tenants Bill read second time. | These a, sitting on boulevards sipping absinthe, used to twirl ed | when ca to the Transvaal where they think all Members of y Tuesday,—As has been noted on an earlier occasion, Britannia has no bulwarks, no towers along her steep. It is, consequently, the more comforting to know that Exris Asumeap-Bartiert (Knight) keeps his eye on things abroad as they affect the interests of British citizens, The Member for Sark tells me he has a faded copy of the Skibbereen Eagle containing its famous note of warning to NaPoLEon THE THIRD, as published at time of the irruption of Colonels. eir moustache and—sacrrée/—grow| hints of what th would do when they as conquerors walked down Piccadillee, a rioted in the riches of Leestar Square. Napoteon THe Turep did not escape suspicion of fanning this flame. Howbeit the Skibbereen Eagle came out one Saturday morning with a leading article commencing: ‘* We have our eye on Napoteon THe Turep, Emperor of the French.” Thus Exvuis Asuweapd-Bartietr (Knight) digs eagle claws into the aerie heights of the Clock Tower, and watches over the interests and cares of an Empire on which the sun rarely sets. ** All the kinder of him,” Sark says, “‘ since they cannot be said directly to concern him. In an effort to redress the balance between the Old World and the New, United States has lent us Asummap. The temporary character of the arrangement makes only the more rous his concern for the interests of the Empire in which he ges.” In the peculiar circumstances of the case those able young men, Epwaxrp Grey and Sypyry Buxtoy, might be a little cpenis contemptuous in their treatment of the Patriotic Emigrant, to say at which office door, Foreign or Colonial, Asumeap bangs his head with more distressful result. He takes them in een, we dogged courage that would in anyone else excite admiration. Of the two janitors, perhaps Epwarp Grey's touch is the lightest. He replies with a solemn gravity that puzzles ASHMEAD keeps him brooding till Speaker stays the laughter of the House by calling on the next question. Buxton is more openly contemptuous, more severely tarcastic, and sometimes, when AsHmEAD’s ling, of no consequeuce in the House, might possibly have effect Parliament are responsible men, he sm raps out. Between the

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60 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | two the Patriot—made in Brooklyn, plated in Sheffield—has a bad | time of it. Has long learned how much sharper than a serpent’s | tooth is the tongue of an Under Secretary of State. Business done. | —Seeond Reading of Equalisation of London Rates Bill moved. Thursday.—Lords took Budget Bill in hand to-night. Manrxiss | asked for week’sinterval. This looked like fighting. At least there would be a reconnaissance in force led by the Manrxiss. House full ; peerless Peeresses looked down from side gallery; Manrxiss in his place: DevonsHrre in his—not Chatsworth; that going to be shut up; bat corner seat below gangway; Rosenery hovering about, settled down at length in seat of Leader. Clerk read Orders of the Day. ** Finance Bill second reading.” ‘‘ I move the Bill be read a} , econd time,” said Roseneny, politely taking his hat off to lady in| gallery immediately opposite. Then he sat down. Here was a pretty go! Expected Parmier would make brilliant speech in support of Bill; the Marxiss would reply ; fireworks would fizz all round, and, though perhaps Budget Bill might be saved, Sevrre oF MaLwoop would be pummelled. Rosenenry takes oddest, most unparliamentary view of his duty. The Lords, he said, when last aol subject was mooted, have nothing to do with Budget Bill, unless indeed they are prepared to throw it out. ‘‘ Will you do that ’” he asked. “No,” said Marxrss, looking as if he would much rather say ** Yes.” ** Very well then,” said Rosrpery, “all | speeches on the subject must be barren.” | This to the Barons seemed lamentably personal. | Rosewexy illustrated his point by declining for his own part to make a speech. Still there was talk; barren speeches for three hours; | audience gradually dwindling: only a few left to witness spectacle of Hatsecny’s blue blood boiling over with indignation at sacrilegious assault on landed aristocracy. ** If you want to make your flesh creep,” says Sark, ‘‘ you should hear Hatspvury, —- to full height his majestic figure, throwing | the shadow of his proudly aquiline profile fiercely on the steps of the | Throne where some minions of the Government cowered, exclaim, ‘ My Lords, I detect in this Bill a hostile spirit towards the landed aristo- cracy. “A Harenvry! a Hatssvrr! and some other fiery crusaders. For the moment, so deeply was the assembly stirred, a conflict | between the two Houses seemed imminent. But Black Rod coming | to take away the Mace the tumult subsided, and Lord Hatssvry went home in a four-wheeler. Business done, — Budget read second time in Lords. | Friday.—Secene in Commons quite changed ; properties remain but leading characters altered. After unprecedented run, Badget Bill withdrawn; Irish Evicted Tenants Bill now underlined on bills. Joun~ Morey succeeds the Squire; Irish Members take up the buzzing of the no longer Busy B's. As for the Squire, he takes well-earned, though only comparative rest ; preparing for congratulatory feast spread i him next Wed- nesday. Like good boy whose work is done is now going to have his ’ ’ menacingly muttered FeversHa™M ain : | Three Good Boys, who, having done their Work, get their Dinner. | dinner. Also Rrowy and Bo» Rerp, who bore with him the heat and | burden of the day. It’s a sort of Parliamentary Millennium. The | CHANCELLOR or THE Excueqver sits down with the AtrrorNnEy- Genera; the Soricrron-Gen erat den ‘situate in the neighbourhood Locx woop bas drawn them. Business done.—In Committee on Evicted Tenants Bill. Tommy Bowes); and Frank they liked ! ts his hand on the cockatrice’s Mus. R. observes in a newspaper that a man was summoned for “‘illewal distress.” She is much puzzled at this, as she thought England was a free country, where people might be as unhappy as but there’s no chance of my OUR CHARITY FETE. ELL, my dear Mr. Punch, you, who hear everything, will be glad to receive from me the particularsof our Annual Farewell Charity Féte, given this year at the Grafton Gallery for the excellent object of providing the un- deserving with pink carnations. It was a bazaar, a concert, and a fancy-dress ball, all in one; everyone who is anyone was there and as they were all in costume, nobody coul tell who was who. It was indeed a very brilliant scene. I refused to hold a stall, for I had enough Private Box to do writing ont autographs of celebrities 4 BY J sell splendidly), but it was hard work, and there was an absurd fuss just use I made the trifling mistake of signing “‘ Yours truly, Gzorere Merepitn”’ across a photograph of Axtuvr Roperts. at did it matter? I really cannot see that it made the slightest difference ; the person had asked for an autograph of Merepirs and he got it, and a portrait of Ronenrrs into the bargain! so he ought to have been satisfied; but some people are strangely exacting! There was a great run on the autograph of Saran Bern- HARDT and I grew quite tired of signing Yverre, Rosesery, and Crsstz Lorrvus, however, it was all for the charity. I went as a Perfect Gentleman, and it was quite a good disguise—hardly —— |knew me! I saw Srr Bruce Skene dressed as a Temperance . turer; Grivcorre was there as the Enemy of the People with a | bunch of violets in his button-hole; the New Boy went as Becket, jand Cuariey’s Aunt as the Yellow Aster. Tue GENTLEMAN OF France locked well as The Prisoner of Zenda. 1 recognised our old friend Dortan Gray in a gorgeous costume of purple and ls, wi |a crown on his head of crimson roses. He said he come as a | Prose Poem, and he was selling Prose Poem-granates for the good of the charity. Here are some scraps of conversation I overheard in the crowd :— anone of the People (to Sir Bruce Skene). Been having a good time lately ¢ Sir Bruce. Rather! Tremendous! I’ve been doing nothing but backing winners, and, what’s more— (chachinng) 3 ve at last got that astronomer fellow to take my wife and child off my hands. Isn't that jolly ? ; Enemy of the People. Ah, really? She is coming to us in the autumn, you know. Vivien, the Modern Eve (to the New Boy). I cannot stay here any longer. They never dust the drawing-room, the geraniums are planted all wrong, and I do not like the anti-macassars. Will you come with me ? New Boy. What a lark it would be! But I’m afraid I must stay and look after my white mice. You see, Buttock Masorn——— Lady Belton (after her marriage, to Charley’s Aunt, tearfully). He doesn’t understand me, Aunty. Charley's Aunt. Never mind, my dear. Don’t ery! You shall come with me to Brazil; you’ve heard me mention, perhaps, it’s the slace where the nuts come from; and we’ll get up an amateur per- Semene of the Pantomime Rehearsal ! We had all sorts of amusements. Under a palm, a was prophesying long journeys, second marriages, and affairs of the eart to the white hand of giggling incredulity. Beautiful musicians, in blue uniforms, with gold Hungarian bands round their waists, were discoursing the sweetest strain that ever encouraged the conversation of the unmusical. A feature of the bazaar, that [ invented, was a mechanical Sphinx behind a curtain. They asked it questions—chiefly, what would win the Leger—and put a penny in the ty There never was any answer, and that was the great joke! The whole thing was undoubtedly a wonderful success—and I knew : — be. I believed in my Fete, having always been rather a atalist. And, in the rush of a worldly, frivolous existence, how great a plcosere i is = pos should are aoe i. 80 — tening the lives e young fellows ‘ ps, all the season h, in or near the hot pavement of Pi illy, and with not so much as a buttercup to remind them of the green fields, the — sunlight, the blue sky of the glorious country. To have elped in so noble a cause as ours is a privilege that made us leave the bazaar with tears of sympathy in our eyes, feeling better and ~~ men and women. Long, long may the button-hole of improvi- ence be filled by the wired carnation of judicious charity. Believe me, dear Mr. Punch, Yours very truly, ‘“‘ JemIMA THE PENwomAN.” P.S.—An absurd name they gave me on recount of the autograph incident. You remember what ‘ Jim tHe Penman” was? Of course, ing the Pen-‘‘ Wirer” in the bosom of a family. Au reroir ! [Aveust 4, 1894. | OF au cu" 42- “The 1 But t For ( 1 Are t Crea Clari

Page 15

ee

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FRAISINE. A dctictons Dentifrice, made from Straw berries of Chemista, or for is, 2d. of FRANKS 4 a co., _™, Baer wear, ry Lon pos The Medical Profession strongly recommend | SALUTARIS WATER, A pure distilled water, prep: ot by a special process, and highly charged with carbonic acid gas. SALUTARIS vy a i LARRY LU ae ‘Setstaris ¥ Water Co., hie Fulham Road, Loudes VV KH ISK Y

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avoust 4, 1894. GROSSE & PURE MALT VINEGAR, In imperial pint and quart bottles, IS SOLD BY ALL GROCERS AND) ITALIAN WAREHOUSEMEN. GROSSE & “BLACKWELL LIMITED, SOHO SQUARE, LONDON. | SS BLAGKWELLS, | [LEA & PERRINS| & PERRINS | SAUCE has been known for more than FIFTY YEARS ALL OVER THE WORLD. ASK FOR LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE, and see that their Signature Lea Sorrel Ce a is on the label, BEWARE OF IMITATIONS. | Sete Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester; CROSSE & BLACEWELL, Ld., London; and Export Oilmen generally. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. g WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. LIEBIC . omer eter coma EXTRACT OF © BEEF TEA. PERFECT PURITY ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED. See SIGNATURE (as an- nexed) in BLUE INK across the Label on each Jar of the Genuine Extract. Keeps for length of time. Beware of Imitations. Highest Awards at all the Principal Exhibitions since 1867, and declared ABOVE COMPETITION since 1885. THE COMPANY’S COOKERY BOOK sent Free on application to LIEBIC’S EXTRACT OF MEAT COMPANY, LIMITED, 9, FENCHURCH AVENUE, E.C. BEEF MAKES THE PUREST, | CHEAPEST, AND BEST | BEST 1 CHEAPEST. ESTABLISHED 1825. O CHILDREN, INVALIDS, and THE AGED. Im Patent Air-Tight Tins. rated by W iliiem Stuart Smith, of No. Leraine Read, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Lombard Stresh, in the Bresinst of W ie the City of and by hiss ot Bho. 0h 1 Offices of Messrs. Gray of Lenton—Baswase®, Nook blscet, in the Pariah of WU a SATURDAY. ae. aa ss a am | w= SAG C= ~~) Se PUBLISHED EVERY _— ~— —