Punch 1894-04-21: Vol 106 Iss 2754

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| THE HANDLEY CROSS SPORTING NOVELS. In 6 medium 8vo Volumes, with 100 Hand- , , R » 4 6 Large Crown 8vo Volumes, each BEST Coloured Steel Engravings, and nearly 1,000 of JORROCKS with a Hand-Coloured Steel Engraving, JOHN LeEeEcn’s Sketches. Price £4 45. cloth, and about 350 Text Jilustrations in all. EDITION EDITION Price 36s. cloth enseenee, —— ny oe Loa, ® ta, bouvene . ener >y pos 2 } ‘a Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper.

when forwa 3 -) é 8 3 3 ~ 4 4 s : d Q PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. “PUNCH,** ne STE —— é ee et < Se dite are emcee ek PU LS bt OL YL th VRPT AMT TIS. 6 EO Ch . ap PRICE THREE PENCE. ATE) NUD AE ee Sah NZ ; , : th \ ‘ alls! Wie Baty |S) AY rn Nila tee ai Le hl vii i) ct PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, “““~~ “Qin, e hy, y Rar LONDON. | ? oe entrated COCOA NCENTRATED “STRONGEST AND BEST.”—4alh

o2” NOTICE.—-THME YEARLY SUBSCRIPTION to 6S” NOTICE.— Rejected Communications not even

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Apram 21, 1894. | Py the Author of RY THE , WESTERN SRA dre read with enflagging interest MARK TILLOTSOR, 548 pp., 6s. : — —A indiv o Whee iy ery page = Ms ey “Somm | + sTACOT? Fovalar Battie ho pp, ™ | c Scorn. OUR FOREIGN COM. Has 35 Years’ : PETITO —- \e Mey be studied with great ad nae at th Spal i World-Wide Reputation. | CHATTO & WINDUS'S NEW NOVELS, ~ Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: AT A h SAINT ANN'S. B A SOLDIER oF FORTUN NE in Of Highest Quality, sie 3 DOYLE'S DAUGHTER. | CHEAPEST. BROWN & POLSON’s CORN FLOUR 1889. -- JOSEPH GILLOTT'S and Having Greatest Durability, are Therefore PENS DOROTHY'S DOUBLE. 1 « “: CASCARA- HAWLEY dere, ors Lazative, fer ¢ sad Qe. Gd Ladies, Chil CHRISTINA C CHARD By Mrs : oa fascinating © NEW THREE-AND-SIXPENNY NOVELS. TOM SAWYER ABROAD. By A PROTEGEE OF JACK KAMLIW'R, & A DoG AND HIS SHADOW. MAPPIN & WEBB'S “ rrhes M SPOONS & FORKS By leave | THE KING'S ASSEGAI. | ins of Qu :EN "AGAINST OWEN. By = orde should SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. | SAM UEL| post-F PRANDIAL PHIL 3 err Mesare & WINDUS. 214. Picead BROTHERS fully invite an ins of their Showrooms by Parente and Guardians who are desirous of Out fitting their Juvenile charges for any of the Public or Private Col pages, Schools, &c. The — yemente of Youths nd Ne ys have for very yw NEW SCHEME | RELIEF OF TRUSTEES. | FAMILY TRUST INVESTMENT POLICIES, Securing a Fixed Income for ving Relatives. ARS, APPLY To many years engaged the Closest attenti 7 SAMI — that this Gee siness very large a rey ev very want is He ~~ “ry Nes te ‘xc fully me ot, and dur able qualities ensured PATTERNS AND | a free on owe 2 chet and Vout » from iv bey ote yrs. from 229 *PPUeation. SAMUEL BROTHERS, THE STANDARD : | LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. 65 & 67, UoocaTe ni, LONDON, EC. TABLISHED 1825 u udgate / | Accumu lated F unds, 74 Millions Stg. ry 6, eae See Senate £6 t (Head Off iam Street, Et BENZINE ( COLLAS.—Ask for “Co ‘ CLEANS GLOVES.—CLEANS DRESSES. CLEANS GLOVES.—CLEANS DRESSES CLEANS GLOVES.—CLEANS DRESSES. _ | BENZINE COLLAS.— Buy © Collas.” MEMOVES TAR, OIL,—PAINT, GREASE KEMOVES TAR, OLL,—PAINT, GREASE. FROM FURNIT JME, CLOTH, ac -— COLLAS. —Try “ Collas.” the word COL 00 = the ae Hb Extra refined rless _ Os aah be -—y quite "ode ur guarauicea. ov mows | BRENZINE GOLLAS.—Ask for = ve eens - Prepa ation, and take no other ' “is Soild every where, Gd pad is. 6d. per bottle Agent ‘. W insiey ®t ,Oxfordst., W lias.’ nearly odo ow Collas”’ | The Best Liqueur Me Bho THERS, ~~ tae | mport- | nt Department ¢ of their — —— ~. | -/RICHMOND CAVENDISH pc — = CURES a S Ou ¢ Cape , 40. Gd. DIAMOND ORNAMENTS. The Choicest Quality in the World. COLDSMITHS COMPANY, Show Rooms : 2, aECEnT St. W. « oun pric Comranrt.) imp rte ed fo B i. we - Sk by W ‘win Tia, 2, Ox rd St , London Pri e be “ta Toad °- ee Qs tnt wg ts ny or faded VEERING 2 CopENHAGEN (Gen Bar| SMOKE THE CELEBRATED “PIONEER” | SWEETENED TOBACCO, KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD. MANUFACTURED BY THE Co., Lto., | AT THEIR BONDED WORKS, LIVERPOOL, And retailed by all first-class tobacconists at home and abroad. | Mo / Delici Tins 2 6. SAVORY & MO “ EXCELLENT—OF GREAT VALUE.” PEPTONIZED LPATENT) COCOA & MILK. us, Nutritious, & requiring no dice Half-Tins (Samples) 1/6. Lancet, June 15, 1889. stive fort. ORE, LONDON. | wM. OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIcAr FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDoy | BRIGHTON | Hotel MfeTRoPoLe} The finest and most luxurious Seaside Hotel sex in the bata FOR TENDER FEET Tender Feet are in- stantly relieved by bathing in Condy's World. Fiui (dilv ted) Surplied by all Chemists in § oz bots., price 1/-. and in 2002. bots. for 2)-. Full = directions from Condy’s Fluid f~-} Works, Turnmil) 7 $t.. Lendon, EC Insist on havin “ Condy’s Fluid.” Use « CONDY’S FLUID.” HOWARD BEDFORD RAKE S.| TATLEE-KIZ CIGARETTES. FINEST TURKISH BLEND. OF ALL TOBACCO ar19T8. CLARKE AND SON, | LONDON AND LIVERPOOL. ROWLANDS MACASSAR OIL Nourishes and Preserves the Hair makes it Soft and Silky, and is the Lest BRILLIANTINE. being not too greasy or drying ; a!so ia a Golden ‘ — for Fair-haired Lidh and Children; it is most beautifully perfumed ; " boition, Se. Gd.; Ts.; 10s. SOLD EVERYW HERE.

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Apri 21, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181 CAN'T BE BETTER THAN BEST. Mr. J. L. Toore is, as he always is, very droll, cela va sans dire, and seeing that a certain Mr. Price Puttlow, Chairman of the Great Southern Railway, appears as Mr. Toore in Mr, | Raven Lomury’s comic play of The Best Man, it is only good logic to say that Mr. Price Putt- low aforesaid is as droll as Mr. J. L. Tooxz. The plot is not ill-contrived, though the author has searcely used his own materials to the best possible advantage. As to the dialogue, it is decidedly not brilliant. One or two little bits, | which are calculated to make the judicious grieve, ought to be operated u by the excise officer at once. If I remem rightly they occur in the part of Mr. Minch, which is capi- tally played by Mr. Groner SHetton. Granted Mr. Toote as the Best Man then is Miss Beatuice Lamp the Best Woman in a | which certainly suggests Mre. Joun Woon’s | peculiarities at every turn of it; but Miss Lamp is quite equal to the occasion, Miss Eniza | JOHNSTONE squeezes the regulation ‘* chamber- | maid” and gets out of it all that was put into it. Miss Atice Krnestey and Miss Forpyce do all that can be done with two girls not strongly individualised, and Miss Cora Poore makes a decided hit as a young lady who, through a considerable portion of the play, has lost her voice. Her pantomime might have been stronger, and the scenes in which this new edition of the ‘Dumb Belle” appears might have been comic- ally developed with benefit to the piece. Mr. BiLtiseTon in Brown Boots,—Brown- BILLINGTON,—is a fine imen of the theatri- cal middle-aged, jovial, fiery, country-loving Baronet, a variation of the genus ‘* peppery Colonel”’ character of old farce and venerable comeniy. Mr. Lowye is a raceme 2 and un- obtrusive portrait-painter, ‘‘ taking things very easel-ly”’ (as Mr. Tour, for a wonder, does not say), and Mr. Coventry gives capitally a bit of | novel character as an untidy youth much in y > Toole in several Pieces. MORE PLEASANT THAN WELCOME. Dear Mr. Purcn,—I know the British Farmer has a reputation for always grumbling. But for all that at last he has a real grievance. Nothing can be more intolerable than the present weather. The sun is shining brightly, the birds are singing their loudest, and the trees are covered with | foliage. Nothing could be more unsatisfactory. How are we to live if this sort of thing goes on? It was bad enough last year, but it is worse this, And yet when we are all asking for water there are certain misguided persons who go about exult- | ing in what they call ‘‘ this delightful weather.” | ightful indeed! When we shall have no grass, | rapees Seed — -— nothing."’ oy nee ae = se for re ing into the old-fashionec expressions of my helf-educated father; but these dreadful times are enough to make one forget orneeas-_ oven the style one acquired at a public school, with a university to follow. And this very training has proved a curse rather than a blessing. In the olden days my father never troubled himself about the why or the wherefore. If things were ‘‘ uncommon bad,” he expressed the sentiment in homely common-place. He did not trouble to polish his diction, and round off his sentences. Fre knew nothing about chemistry, and merely uttered a bucolic exclamation when | anyone referred to scientific cultivation. He was better off than I am. Unfortunately I can | appreciate cause and effect, and consequently regard ‘the present disgusting sunshine with | loathing, and the monotonous song of birds with a scowl that would not be unbecoming on the teet-gnoe face of a transpontine theatrical vi But why am I writing toyou? Why, indeed? It is in the feeble hope that the thoughtless the frivolous who read these lines may remember that a smile in the presence of a | farmer swearing at the sunshine is a cruelty, | and a word of praise about the “ delicious | love. It is not a piece with great opportunities, but it will serve till | weather” a deadly insult, Yours truly, Mr. J. L. Toore gets something better. Day.” Mark it in the Calendar as ‘‘ Al Polls’ Day.” Tae B uw rue Box. Gries pe Groaerns. J [ eaipetarre: P.S.—My solitary satisfaction lies in the thought that the weather SuseEstion FOR New Reerstration Birt.—‘* All Polls on one | in this wonderful country is so changeable, that by the time these lines appear in print it may be snowing. SPRING. THOUGHTS. | (At the Sign of the ‘‘ Trite 'Un,’’) Tere is the pond that was frozen ; It is not frozen now ! And a nesting bird has chosen __ To build on the bare, black bough, The wintry bough that was black and bare Before the leafage of Spring was there. There is the roadway miry | Where rainy mt la | What time the cab-horse fiery Splashed all my best array ; But the pools are dry, and the mire is dust. And the horse is with the saints I trust. And there is an army of sweepers Sweeping the ground so dry, And the ways are filled with weepers As the pillars of dust go by. And each man speereth as best he can For the mystical hydrostatic van. Above are the dark clouds mooring, | Laden with goodly rain, | And it seems that their freight down-pouring | Never can cease again. And what is that rumble, heavy and slow ? | Is it the foot of the thunder? No! For the rain is tiring, in April’s way, [play. And the sparrows flock down to s and Forth of its prison, like frog long dried, By water at length revivified, - Shamed by the shower to play its part Comes the long-lingering water-cart LOSING HIS TRAIN. \ ~ MZ . Daxcerovs )*REcEDENT. — Mr. x (Spesker’s Train-bearer) quits the train it is still in metion! Tue British Constitution ? A better ’s hard to find; But is there really such a thing When J have just resigned ¢ The House, its Speaker gone, would sink In ruin irretrievable ; And, docked of train, a Speaker seems A being inconceivable, So I’m the pivot of the State, Its Atlas, if you will ; And all is Anarchy till they My vacant office fill. For thirty years I’ve duly dogged er to his chair ; Though all that time I’ve borne the train, The strain I cannot bear. The woes of Members, when compared With pam, eg - frail ; They only catch the Speaker's eye, Thad to catch his tail ! My first was Speaker Denison, My second Speaker Brann ; And Mister Pee. ’s the last—not least— Of my presiding band, From morn to midnight were my hours— (The dockyard hands get eight) ; Oft in my clothes I’ve had to sleep (A fact I blush to state). Yet still, in dreamland, I shall hear The legislative drone, And spectral robes for ever bear Toward a phantom throne. GEORGE VOL. CVI. BR

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182 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arm 21, 1894. | — — _— — a —————_—_——_——————————— —— yh \ \ \ \\S \ \ \ \\\ \ \\\ \ \ \\\\ WN SS 4754 , A AAA btu! ; i ‘ ‘ “tal hb a tee ; / > tiie A © Le ‘ A reg Lil ° N HN Zan wey Ay nN \ Ve | \ ee AG a —— ail i a ii Mi} i) “FINDING SALVATION.” [Sir W. V. Haxcorrrt and Sir Eowarp Crarxe, Q.C., wrote to The Only Other General (Boorm) congratulating him on his Jubilee.) ( {[_xw* V7 ZN -_ ’ \

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Aram 21, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

“FINDING SALVATION.” [In view of the approaching celebration of his “ Jubilee,’’ General Boorn of the Salvation Army has received letters of warm congratulation and pproval from Sir Wiit1am Harcourt and Sir Epwarp Ciarxe, Q.C. The former said the General's work was “‘ noble and successful,” the latter declared it “ altogether admirable.’’] On! Salvation Wriwemrya has donned the bonnet blue, And Hallelujah Epparp has joined the scarlet crew, And there is loud rejoicing within the halls of Boorn, About the tambourining lass and drum-bedrubbing youth, For these have ‘“* found salvation” upon a larger plan, Than gratified the worldly wit of CampsEe.t-BannEeRMAN, A Camp- Belle (on a biggish scale) is WILHEMINA now, And Epparp as a Banner-man, will take the cake I trow; For WrLmeMINa ever had a fine flamboyant style, And Epparp hath a pan mouth and true post-office smile. Oh, hand her out the tambourine, the big drum strap upon The shoulders wide of Epparp. Both have “found sal-va-ti-on!”’ | There’s a charm for Wrimemrna in a declamation windy, | And Halleluj | The Jubilee! The Jubilee! And Epparp is susceptible to the song of (holy) shindy. That Puritanic bonnet fits the lass’s lofty ‘* forred,” ah Epparp won't denounce red shirts as horrid ! Hurroo! The nattiest of bhoys, the bouncingest of girls, Bethumps the biggest of big drums, the tambourine betwirls. tic malice allis ; Tis coming ! May mock that hanniversary all at the Crystial | But Wirtuous WILHeMrINa is no wicked worldly wag, And ’Oly Epparp loves to raise this species of red flag ! Oh, how the marshalled myriads will be sublimely stirred When these two lead the Army Band upon July the Third ! One pictures WILHEMINA as she lifts her voice and states | How pious contributions swell these Army Estimates! | Oh, Salvation Wituemrna !

One dreams of Oly Epparp, as with neat nutcracker jaw, He tottles up the Profits, and likewise lays down the Law! Sublime! And the Ridiculous can never (can it?) verge Thereon—in scarlet sweaters, and in garments of blue serge! Hallelujah Epparp, oh! Great is the histrionic Boorn, mighty are Sound and Show! Vociferous vulgarity, and nubibustic noise, To Hallelujah and to Go-to-Glory Boys Are not confined. No, secular seekers after fame and fun In following the multitude have oft ‘* found sal-va-ti-on |”

THE ART OF EXPLANATION. (Extracts from the “‘ Leader-writer’s Manual.’’) Bye-Exxecttoys (ror Conservative Use). Wuen the Liberal wins by a decreased majority, this is a Radical Reduction which shows that the country is sick of a set of political a ms a who only are enabled to keep office through the votes of a mrigade of Irish Factionists. Should the election result in the gain of a seat for the Conservative party, multiply the above by ten, interlard with peremptory demands for an femal tive pa: hs. If the Radical improves his position, the election was clearly not fought on Home Rule, but the Newcastle Programme was dangled | before the eyes of a deluded Electorate, who nibbled the bait, and in | swallowing the Newcastle jam, also swallowed the Irish pill. This | is a mixture of metaphors, but it looks vigorous. Byre-Exections (ror Lisgrat Use). Any Electoral mishap should be attributed to the influence of the | Church and the Public House, about which some choice flowers of | speech should be kept in stock—alliterative for choice. For instance, | say that the Liberal Flowing Tide has been checked by the Tory | ——— Tied House. Should the poll be favourable, insist strongly that the present Government is the most admirable and most enlightened which has ever controlled the destinies of the country. Lay special stress on the fact that a new era has commenced. Don’t be deterred from saying this by the fact that you don’t know what the oldera was. _ It’s a useful thing at times to accuse the other side of intimida- tion. When you are challenged to give instances, say that the intimidatee (i.e., the person who was intimidated) would be ruined if you gave his name. It’s not magnificent this, even if it is war, but it’s quite safe. ate dissolution, and serve in leaded type and authorita- | | p< —— WHAT DOES LITTL E BIRDIE SAY? Uncle Charles, ‘le WK COULD UNDERSTAND THE LANGUAGE OF Birps, TOMMY, WE SHOULD UNDERSTAND WHAT Dicky 's SAYING sow.” Tommy (who's going back to School), 1 Tip, Unciz CHaRLes!” ‘] THINK HE'S ASKING FOR

Special note.—If it comes to the worst, blame the out voter. ‘* The legitimate voice of the residents has been drowned by the imported votes of those whose only right to vote consists in this, that their names are on the voting list.” A carping critic might call this bathos. But, notwithstanding, it’s often capital journalism. THE COLOUR OF COLLERY’S SUCCESSOR. {The resignation of Mr. Cotieny, M.P., has not been acted am, because neither the Dillon nor the Healy division of the Anti-Parnellite arty can agree as to the complexion of the candidate who is to be selected to fill the vacant seat.”’—Standard. | A STRANGE disagreement to stop an election ! They can’t come to terms on a -- of complexion, If, his cheeks being sallow, he looks like an ill ’un, Is he likely to please or displease Mr. Ditton ? Shall his colour be rich, shall his colour be mealy, If he wants to find favour with Towormy Heavy ’ Of one thing I’m certain, whatever his hue, Being kept in the cold he is bound to look blue ; And, when Irish meets Irish, and whack follows whack, To the blue will be added a touch of the black. Yet the true Irish colour, wherever I ’ve been (They swear by and wear it), was always the green. Soon, soon may there come of the strife an annuller To settle this Colleric quarrel on colour. ** Ornanoe-Peew.”—Sir, I agree with the writer in the St. James's Gazette last Saturday, and I beg to d the proposal for a bill to do away with chucking orange-peel on the pavement. I’d b» for excepting Ireland from the Act, and let there be as much orange- 1 chucked about there as will upset the Ribbon-Nationalists. Whoop! Yours, Sam Pres.

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184 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Apr 21, 1894. AN “UP-TO-DATE” BALLET. As it ionpressed an Unsophisticated Spectator.) Wrew a friend of mine, who is intimately connected with this periodical heard that I was coming up to town, he urged me to send an account of anything I might see at places of popular enter- ment which appeared to me worthy of record. Why, I cannot k —for | am a quiet country person, and have led hitherto but a tudious and secluded life. But when I raised this objection, he lied that there would be a value in the impressions of anyone who came to a performance with what he described as ‘‘a fresh eye.” I think I may elaim that both my eyes are tolerably fresh, and so I promised to let him have the benefit of my observations whenever an pportunity presented itself. It presented itself the other evening. [ had been dining with a very dear old friend of mine... . Description of friend and dinner omitted for want of space.—Eb. and later in the evening, he proposed that we should drop into a place f amusement known as the “‘ Empire,” and e the “ Up-to-Date Ballet” there. I was greatly struck on entering by the interior. Description omitted as superfluous.— I We found ourselves just in time to witness a species of optical] illusion called Living Pietures,” which were indeed mar- lously deceptive, some of the figures being so exquisitely painted that it was difficult to wlieve that they were not veritable flesh and |. I could almost have sworn I saw one r two of them move. My companion—think- t | fear, to take advantage of my inex- endeavoured to persuade me that they were actually alive but, Provincial as I im, | was rather too old a bird to be caught like that. Then there was some juggling by 1 gentleman called Crv@vEvVALLi. F took a great fancy to him—he was so modest and inpretending. He seemed surprised and ilmost apologetic when his feats succeeded, which they almost invariably did, as if he uldn’t account for it, and had really had very little to do with it personally. But I did not like his attendant. He was a saturnine young man with a baleful eye, and t was easy to perceive that he had no belief n his employer, and expected each trick to fail, being malignantly disappointed when it did I think he had discovered that they were accomplished by using specially con- icted implements, and that Mr. Cryqur- ,LLt was obliged to bear with him for fear should suddenly turn round and expose him. If I were a juggler myself, I should insist upon my attendant preserving at least an oulward respect for mein public. I fear Mr. Crv@vrvaLii is not quite firm enough with him But the crown of the entertainment was of vurse the Ballet, which was called—I don’t know why—** The Girl I Left Behind Me.” it bewan at Epsom on the Kace-course, and young Harry Overdale, a nice curly-headed smooth-faced boy, in a grey frock-coat and hat, who looked much too young and innocent to frequent such places, came in and explained by signs to the crowd of sportsmen bookmakers, gipsies, and acrobats, that he had been betting, an t all his money, which seemed to interest but not astonish them. ey were still more interested when the villain, Gentleman Jack, sme in, and taunted him with his ruin. The villain was plump: had a high complexion, and a good deal of back hair; he wore a straw billyeock hat, a cocoa-coloured suit, and chocolate riding-boots, and he carried a hunting-erop, which he showed Harry triumphantly, together with a slip of blue paper. Then Wary Mayrose,* in love with Harry,” entered with her father, (olonel Mayrose, a stern, elderly military man, who forbade him— ublicly, so that there should be no mistake about it—to have any turther communication with his daughter, and took her reluctantly trom her lover’s arms. I have never been to the Derby myself, but howl penence an readily believe that domestic scenes of this sort are not un- Com ial between the races. After that, Harry and Gentleman Jack both had their fortunes told by the gipsies, and Harry went home resolved on suicide, We next saw Ries in his chambers, which seemed to be mostly mantelpiece, preparing to blow his brains out with a pistol, but, on reflection, deciding to sleep over it. So he went to slegp on the floor, and had a singular dream. He dreamed he was in a lurid kind of cavern, with demons and fiends perched “ A Gentleman called Cinquevalli.” about the walls, and a roof com entirely of playing-cards, The Spirit of Gambling introduced him to a lady on a couch, and then xr Harry became so hopelessly involved in a ballet of Clubs, i Spades, and Diamonds, and was inning to feel so awk- ward and in the way, that the Demon of Vices was compelled to | come in and extricate him. Next he was tempted by a lady who pranced al! round him in very short crimson skirts, conduct which, at first, only shocked and distressed him—and very properly too— but, gradually, he found himself observing her feet with interest, and admiring her agility more and more—until he was actually on the point of embracing her! Fortunately the Genius of Honour and Courage appeared just when all seemed lost, and directed his attention to Mary Mayrose, standing on a rock at the back. So he woxe, with the fixed determination to go and enlist for a soldier, and his stout and faithful servant, on being informed of his intention, shook him by the hand, and insisted on enlisting too. So they were both enlisted by a recruiting sergeant in front of the | Horse Guards, and there was a pai painful interview between Harry and his mother, a melancholy hafy a grey— the family colour—who intimated by a sort of stately springiness in her action, that he had broken her heart. After this, the proceed- ings were enlivened by the entrance of Miss ‘ayrose’s maid, Nelle, a very comely youn woman in a muslin cap, a pink frock, an black silk stockings—which last I cannot help mentioning because they were somewhat forced upon our notice in the course of an eccentric dance which she executed in the presence of a crowd, and with a disregard of appearances which I confess surprised me. { eannot think that a young lady with Miss Mayrose’s evident sense of propriety would have approved of her maid’s dancing wild breakdowns in broad daylight in so public a thoroughfare as Whitehall. I would rather believe that such an incident is exceptional, but I intend to go and have a look at the Horse Guards myself som morning and see what really goes on there. , Next we were shown a quay, with a troop- ship ready to start for Burmah. Gentleman Jack appeared in blue e and a white hting cap, swelling with successful vil- ainy, h I failed to discover exactl what he been about. But—like all villains—he had a soft spot in his heart, and he could not restrain himself from pulling out a e brass locket containing a hkeness of Miss Mayrose, and gazing at and kissing it passionately. Then Harry came on in his new uniform with his mother and sweetheart. He had joined a Highland regiment, which, by an coincidence, was out to Burmah under the command of Colonel —; = rose, The villain tried to prevent him by showing the Colonel another slip of blue paper, which had just been brought in by a messenger boy-—but his cunning plot failed, as the Colonel seemed unable to seize the drift of the paper, which he pooh-poohed altogether. Presently Harry's regiment marched in with fiying colours, and turned out to be a set of as nice-looking young ladies as | ever remember to have beheld. J should have ne t Mrs. Overdale and Miss Mayrose would both have to know that their boy was ted into sueh a nice regiment, but it did not seem to console them in the least. Perhaps they thought that—considering the vicissitudes of Indian warfare—he would be safer in action with more masculine comrades—but the ag Sones (who, I v, were ‘* Daughters in Revolt”) drilled to absolute perfection, and did not seem particularly terrified by their own fire-arms. ; We were then taken to an encampment by moonlight; Ne/lie, the lady’s maid, had found her way to Burmah in the guise of a Hospital Sister, and danced—though with greater restraint, as became her new calling—in front of the Officers’ tent. There was a night attack by three black men in turbans, and young Harry saved the regimental colours and his Colonel’s life, for which his ing Officer, much to his ise and confusion, on shaking with him. But Gentleman Jack turned up in white inen, in it ‘ary Mayrose, who, it appeared, not bee left behind after all-—(there wasn’t any girl that I could find who had been—except the soldiers)—and was geting as an ambulance nurse. He forgot himself so far as to seize her, lay his hand on her mouth, and attempt te abduct her by force, Vay; outside the very tent to which the old Colonel had retired with his arm in a

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Aprit, 21, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 185 which was rash to the verge of indiscretion, for of course the gallant officer came out directly and caught him im the act! After that (Colonel Mayrose could no longer maintain his objection to Harry as a son-in-law, and he and Mary were united, and Gentleman Jack, stroking his wrists and pointing to the ground, to express repent- anee, reti in discomfiture. Then the vanquished Burmese got up a magnificent féte in celebration of Harry's gallantry, and danced nimbly and gracefully, and waved gilded m branches, while the Colonel pinned a medal on the young hero's breast. The Burmese seem a pleasant race, entirely free from malice or ill- feeling. They have wonderfully fair complexions, too, and are remarkably attractive in appearance. They wear costumes adapted to the climate. Altogether I liked the Burmese. I have endeavoured to give a faithful account of the spectacle as | saw it, and I wish to state my conviction that these ‘* Up-to- Date” Ballets serve an excellent purpose in presenting a true and realistie picture of contem ry l1fe and manners. Except in respect to that dance in front of the Horse Guards. I cannot believe a real lady’s maid—however up to date she might be—would have done that—at least with quite so much abandon, But of course | am not familiar with the ways of this great metropolis, and I may be quite wrong. Sruonw Poreroy. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. ‘I may be right or I may be wrong,” quoth the Baron ; “ but, being in a sporting mood, I am p to my opinion of the high merits of Martow Cravrorp’s Katherine Lauderdale from the McMILLAN stables, and I feel pretty confident that she will take a deal | of beating by any other novel of her own size and weight.” Excellent as are most of Marron Cravurorp'’s works by reason of their well- sustained interest, their dramatic situa- tions and their carefull y-drawn characters, yet hitherto nearly all of them have been ocalised in Italy, and the dramatis per- sone consist of t unfamiliar to the majority »f E the story of are at home among our English-speaking American cousins, whose more or less English habits and manners our un- travelled countrymen can understand. The story of Katherine Lauderdale, so far as Marion Cravrorp has narrated it in these three volumes, is admirable in its simple pathos, its unforced humour, and, above all. in its truth to human nature. As Zot, in his terribly fascinating style, has given us the history of that fiendish Rougon-Macquart family, so, as appears from the final chapter of this novel, Marion Cravrorp intends telling us the story of those members of the Lauderdale family whose acquaintance we make while reading about Katherine Lauderdale. The novel is not yet ended, these three volumes are only an appetising instalment. Baron has two faults to find, and one question to put. The first fault is, that most of the characters, especially the light-hearted and intentionally epigrammatic personages, talk at too great a length. The talk is good, but in real life these persons would be bores of the first magnitude. The second fault is the em so old a device as the detention of a letter. True that t pa of is familiar modus operand: is well done, and granted that the action may be) consistent with the character of the man who is guilty of such mean- ness, though that this is sois not made absolutely clear, But, where all the other incidents of the complication are so naturally arranged, and where so much originality is shown in the combination, surely just another turn of the thinking machine would have provided the author with a newer device than this. Now comes the Baron’s one ow ney When Katherine Lauderdale was secretly married to Jack talston, she came out of the Church with the wedding ring on her finger. The story does not say so, but we may take the fact for granted. Now, the last thing any true woman, on becoming a bride, would do is to take off that ring. It is not mentioned that Katherine removed it. How does the author account for t} ring having escaped erery- body's notice, especially that of her mother and her married sister ? Of course, if Katherine took it off soon after it was put on, there is the answer; but “‘’tis not in the bond,” I cannot find it in the book, and, if it be there, would that action be consistent with Katherine's character? Mayhap, the author of her being, Marton Cravronp himself, will tell us ** in his next.”” But long dialogue or short dialogue, incident probable or improbable, there is not a tedious page or paragraph in the three volumes, even when the author pauses to analyse the motives of the bei habitation and name. to whom he has given local At least, such is the opinion of the Baron pe Boox-Worms. lish readers, But here, in | (atherine Lauderdale we | READY, AYE READY! The New Parlour-Maid. | xor AT Home, Sr.” | He, “On—eR—REALLY ! THen TELL HER I pipyw’t CALL!” | ‘* MISTRESS TOLD ME TO TELL YOU SHE WAS MISTER BAILEY’S BOAST. (A Song of the Conciliation Board.) “* Mr. Bariey has repeated his complaints against Lord Suanp, and the duties of the Chairman. . | down and get to business.” — Vestminster Gazette. | Arm—"* Miss Bailey's Ghost,” A cove at Hucknall Torkard turned the touchiest of Tarters ; on a PA pon Board” he railed. Oh, stars and garters ! é sai Oh, Mister Batrey! Unfortunate Mister Bariey! Consarnin’ of the Minimum Wage he got into a fever, Says he, ‘‘ That Suanp’s a clever man, but he’s a sly deceive He pounded on in platformese until his face blanched palely ; He was a-fighting of a ghost, poor bitter Mister Barry. Oh, Mister Barrey! Unfortunate Mister Bariey! but he | still fails to grasp the difference between the duties of the Conciliation Board . » We trust Mr. Barry will soon calm his conscience smited him, and made him grumble daily ; But ’twas his narsty temper what so worked on Mister Bariey. e{” ** Avaunt Conciliation SHanp!” he shrieked in accents equeally, But people thought the Chairman he had used most ungenteel As a Conciliator Mister Barvey acted frailly, And even Colliers couldn’t all back up poor Mister Barter. Oh, Mister Bartey! Ill-tempered Mister Baier ! Oh boasting BarLey your account with anger once for all close ! ‘ small. | Keep on your hair, and be your shirt tucked well within your clothes ! | Conciliation needs good temper ; then ’twill go on gaily, |And Labour as true friends will then remember 8 | Oh Mister Battery! Weii-meaning Mister Barter! | | Av tHe Lycevw.—On Saturday night Faust-Terriss was revived by Mephistophetes-Irving. Miss E.ttes Terry, as Gretchen, was i than ever, Faust rejuvenated is more c ingly in-terry-estin evidently able to go in for a goof run. ly, [ Batwey. HAND—and

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i — 186 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. { “Ute a 9 oe UL iam iit. LOVE’S LABOUR LOST; OR, LAYING IT ON TOO THICK! [Arrm 21, 1804. | | | | | Colonel Tars —A—VERY PASSIONATE Love-STORY IS EVIDENTLY WRITTEN BY A WoMAN I SHOULD SAY—AND A DOOSID ’ kK INTO THE BARGAIN!” The Major. ‘‘Wuy? Is IT 80 IMPROPER!” T) Yes—eeastty! Bur NOT ONLY THAT, IT'S 8O FULL OF ABJECT AND GROVELLING WORSHIP OF THE MALE Sex! I vE MAKES ME stick! No Goop-Looxine WoMAN EVER THINKS ABOUT US LIKE THAT!” . _— What will I do with you young un, hay? THE POOR (PSEUDO-) OSTREO- rHE BLACK BABY. Can’t leave you to perish, poor piccaninny! : besos : . You ’Il cost me a pile ere I make you pay, PHAGIST TO HIS DOCTOR, Mr. Burt loquitur That I’ll bet my bank to a guinea. (Medical men have lately been disparaging oysters W ext, of all the doors for continual knocks, And of all the streets for unceasing riot, Mine are the worst! "Tis a series of shocks, With no interval of quiet ! Why every post brings its budget of bills, And every knock means a bore, or a bundle \ crate or a case ¢ very corner fills, And the casks are ever a-trundle! Flotsam and jetsam, waifs and strays, Foundlings and derelicts, tag-rag-and- bob-lot ! How they accumulate! One of these days 1’) ling them off as a job-lot ! Legitimate business is all very fine ! But have | arrived at the “‘ moony old M w ” age That everyone fancies this warehouse of mine \ home for the world’s Lost Luggage ? Ran a-rumble-rac kety- BANG ! Another knock, and by jingo a rouser ! They expect me to pL amd | let ’em go hang In the twitch of a tarry-breeks’ trouser. | Hillo! What'sthis? Well, of all the cheek! Another brat, and this time a black ’un! | am getting now about one every week. It seems time the shower should slacken. | Uganda? Oh yes. I know that stock, Poor little helpless, neglected mortal ' | Well, I cannot forget the suggestive knock | Poor Porat gave at my portal. “* Goo-roo ! goo0-roo ! ” Oh there, the at will do! i fe she irte : Where are those chaps whom I gave To deal with—well, black little devils like you [ 4 No! ’tis But is pilgarlic and martyr. They ’re a by the special; the game didn’t pa Prese nily they "ll be demanding indemnity. | You black little brat, do not stare in that way, With that air of appealing solemnity ! Prestige oblige! Well, of all I possess Prestige, t fear, comes the most expensive. But | must add this Black Baby, I guess, To a cirele already extensive, If I leave ee here there’ll be mischief afoot. | My neighbours are watching with glances | quite cursory And so I suppose, you little black brute, I must—send you up to the nursery. More Free than Welcome. ‘Mr. T. Fremantie, the runner, of Eton obi ge, called at our office yesterday, and informed us that there were only two ‘ e’s’ in his name, and not three as printed on the card of the L. A. ( sports.’’—Sporting Paper Mr. FremanT te, Sir, for the future your fame Shall save you from finding three ‘‘ e’s”’ in your name. Such statements of course a young runner displease, For the last thing hew wants is s superfluous ease. as articles of diet.) A BAN 7 my bivalves? Oh doctor, what sn. Your veto is surely ironic. The Native not wholesome ? not wash ! | *Tis tender, and toothsome, and tonic. I speak from long knowledge; and not the whole Colle ze Of sapient Physicans shall alter My views. But—bohoo!—there’s a worser taboo, And that—not your ban—makes me falter! I'd risk indigestion; but that’s not the question. I love, as I’ve always adored ’em | But (oh! it’s a cozen !) at six boba ‘dozen, Confound it!—J cannot afford’em ! Nay, that will PHYLLIS’S REPLY. (To her Bow- Admirer.) My charming bow—its other name is tie— You like you say. I’m very glad to know You think I acted sensibly to try My charming bow. Before I pleased myself I had to go To — ten shops. The price was very It’s worth the toil since you approve, although I own I meant that it should catch your | You eal me ‘* Sweetheart.” In return I My gratitude "My charm yoneom my— y charming u!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aprrm. 21, 1894. ul Hil MN BLACK BABY. Mr. Butt. “‘ WHAT, ANOTHER! !—WELL, I SUPPOSE I MUST TAKE IT IN!!!”

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| | well, and it was decidedly inspiritin, , 21, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. But all the same, you need not maim A beauty reared on Nature's rules ; A simple maid au naturel Is worth a dozen spotted ghouls. ARS POSTERA. Mr. AupRey You put strange phantomson our walls If not so daring as 70-day's uite so Her sidelong eyes, her Grande Dame But there is that about her throat Which I myself don’t care to see. Nor Mr. Avsrey Beer DE RERS, You ’re getting quite a high renown ; Your Comedy of Leers, you know, Is posted all about the town ; This sort of stuff I can- not puff, As Boston says, it makes me ‘* tired ”’; Your Japanee-Rossetti girl Is not a thing to be desired. Mr. AvBREY They say her Of taste to On fair El New Art wo But Nature knows a thing or two. Ausrey, Auprkey Beer pe Beers, Are there no Mr. Auprey Beer be Beers, New English Art (ex- cuse the ¢ ) Is like the Newest Hu- mour style, ' It’s not a thing at ’ which to laugh ; Live, shapel Or cute “ Venus Domina.’ The Philistines across the way, Precisely what it is they say ; But I have heard a drastic wo That scarce is fit for dainty ears ; But then their taste is not the kin Bless me, AuskEeY Breer pE Beers, ir Elysian lawns apart Burd Hewen of the Trojan time Smiles at the latest mode of Art; Howe’ er it be, it seems to me, It’s not im Then by all means bestrew your scenes With half the lotuses that blow, Pothooks and fishing-lines and things, But let the human woman go! BEFORE SUPPER. Stow, dignified dancing, a decorous tight, — before supper, when people are cool ; The accurate Lancers, infallibly right, The waltz, grave and stately—no play- ing the fool, As does Too.r. Beer ve Berns, ardy as St, "Paul's; giddy ise,— ans Merci she may be; Then elderly charmers, still trusting to chance | To bring them all partners, compla- | cently wait | For elegant gentlemen eager to dance— Not Toores, rather invines, grand, | graceful, grave, great, And sedate. SUPPER. Beer pe Beers, lips—well, never mind flatter Beer pe Beers. AFTER WHEN supper is over frigidity goes, Frivolity comes—now for playing the | fool! In Lancers linked lines dart regardless of | toes, In vigorous barn dance they caper, for | who'll Now be cool ? The sad, weary wallflowers watch with t to be New; d better Nature’s best, els at your gate, , possible and clean ? ey do to “ decorate” ? azed eyes Such dancing as they have, no doubt, never done. | What matter if they should evince some | surprise ? When supper is over the best of the fun Has begun. “0 SWALLOW, SWALLOW!” Tue Boa at the Zoo, as Punch sang lon 0, ‘** A Speckled Enthusiast,” bolted a blanket, And died of dyspepsia. Now you must know An Adelaide Boa has just made a banquet That ’s Lyco.pssy’s rhyme!) of a huge railway rug, And yet has survived. Here’s your health, brave Constrictor! Society though, would be cheery and snug, And mirth over boredom and dulness be victor, The Dinner were gay, and the Drawing Room glad, Stupidity cease for a season to unk “a” The dullard play Kilkenny Cat to the ‘* fad,” If each (social) bore would but bolt a (wet) blanket ! THE LITIGANT IN PERSON. Dear Srr,—I have often in the communications which you are good | enough to insert in your pages, and which there are read throughout | your kingdom—the wide, wide world—I have often referred to the | fact that legal business is bad. The depression in trade is respon- sible, no doubt, for a good deal. Litigation is an expensive luxury, and a reduced income leads its owner to use words, and indulge | in fewer actions. Lawsuits are among the first articles of which a man divests himself. Still, bad trade is not responsible for every- thing. The law’s delay is another cause, and I know of many others. Of one I should like to express myself in terms which I am sure you wouldn’t print. So as to save you the pain which I am confident you would feel at using the blue pencil, I will restrain myself, and merely sum up what I mean by saying that when a litigant becomes personal e (or she) becomes offensive. rhe litigant in person is, in my opinion, one of the reasons why we men at the Bar are having hard times. It is obvious at once that every one of this class of wretched creatures means that we have been defrauded of at least one brief, probably very many more. Appearing in person seems attractive very often to ladies. I even! recollect one case within my own knowledge where a lady conducted her own case against a formidable array of counsel, which included two leading silks. She did it, I am bound to say, extremel : to hear the ns ~~ had | considerable personal attractions—referring to an eminent Q.C. as ‘my learned friend.”” She was, however, an exception. Speaking | renerally, personal litigants take guineas out of our pockets, conduct their own case in the worst le way, spoil the tempers of our sweetest-mannered Judges thereby making miserable the countless | (As played by Mr. James Lewis, in the 100th performance of ‘* Twelfth | and ale? "—Sir counsel, who feel the effect of the spoilt temper), and by disar- ranging and delaying the business of the Court bring the law into contempt. d As to what can be done, I confess I have no remedy. I should like to think that this exposure would have some effect, for in that case a grateful profession and a benefited public would not fail to give the credit, at least in part, to Yours faithfully, 102, Temple Gardens, E.C. L. Exnep Counset. TO SIR TOBY. Night” at Daly's, April 19.) “ Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes Here’s to you, Sir Toby, uproarious old toper ! In punch, like true Britons, your health we'll propose, Since Toby and Punch to each milksop and moper And upstart- Mailvrolio for long have been foes! You ’re three hundred years old, but yet jolly and frisky Still slily you joke with a reprobate tongue! Though born ere the age of split sodas and whiskey, You noisy old boy, you’re eternally young. Most potant, irreverend senior and songster, What think you of England and us of to-day, oe Of *‘ movements” and “‘ questions” that our petty throng stir, Of Anarchy, Woman, and bards of Decay ? Nay, I hear you dismiss such ** kickshaws” with a hiceup— ‘ou date from the rollicking times of Queen Bess! Your motto profound ’s “* Tillivally, and snick up!” (The meaning I ’ll leave the kind reader to guess.) Still may you delight us with “ rousing the night-owl,” Extracting with catches ‘‘ a weaver’s three souls!” Long may you ‘‘do that,” though Blue-Ribbonites might how] At such Bacchanalian, roystering ré/es / Sportine Note.—It is rted that a forthcoming volume of the Badminton Library will be Dancing. Decidedly interesting to have this invigorating amusement recognised as a sport. One chapter, no doubt, will be ‘* Sitting-Out,” stilst we hope a kind word will be inserted for Chaperones.

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[Apri 21, 1894. 1 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL rHE H YER A Study. Wedding 1 Lah / in his parish . “ AND EVENTFUL DAY. I SHOULD NOT LIKE You Now ARI saw Hur! \LL FROM n the Note- Book ep first meeting of the nations summoned Arbitration League was numerously d, and as equality was to be the first msideration, it was ananimously agreed that the proceedings should be carried on without the assistance of a chairman. Jous But, as the originator of the move- was the first speaker. He said ther doubt that a very large sum was ex- pended upon armaments. If the money that 1 away : paid \ | ARMS. of our Prophet riatt oy the ; uftendcde men was no wa could be used for other purposes there was no doubt that the expenditure would be of far greater practical utility to the people it was his pride and honour to represent. Madame La Rervetieve cordially endorsed the sentiments of her Western neighbour. She was fond of thrift herself, and believed that war was an unmixed evil. It would be so much better to save the millions of pounds expended upon soldiers and sailors. What would they want with armed men if every- one consented to live in peace and give up quarrelling By all means abolish standing armies, and avoid the cost. It would be so ) guns and ammunition much wiser to save than to squander. The German Emperor (who insisted upon appearing in person) was of the same opinion. He was very fond of soldiering, but no fonder of that employment than of any other. He believed he would be just as happy stage- managing, or preaching, or teaching his entire mm everything. He had reasons for be- ieving that the military service in the Fatherland was a drain upon the country. This was not only injurious to the Teutonic race in general, but (what was of far greater importance) to the Hohenzollern family in artic By all means let the nations disarm. It was a most admirable idea. How- ever, he did not think that a universal and simultaneous disarmament would be ible. He for one would decline to lay down his arms before Madame La Repvusiieve had set him the example. The meeting was then addressed by repre- | sentatives of Russia, Austria, Italy, Turkey, and even Spain. After a very long discussion. Joun Butt said that he was nothing if not practical. The first thing to be done was to disarm, as suggested by his young friend the | German Emperor. But who should begin? He begged to move that a decision be arrived at as early as possible. The subject was still under consideration | when our report left, and an immediate settlement seemed highly improbable. BALLADE OF THE EIGHTS. | (For those about to Train or in Training for | ** the College Eights.”’) | Tur burden of hard training—eat away Each morning at thy porridge and thy steak, | Cram down thy buttered-eggs and whiting yea, Of marmalade unsparingly partake ; | Of port—a little, for thy stomach’s sake | At night to wake thy strength and manly fire ; | Put from thee pipes and Wits his Golden | _—__*Fiake. This is the end of every man’s desire. The burden of long journeys—when the coach tuns on the bank with loud and wrathful cries, And heaps thy head with heavy, hard reproach, Praying that Fate may overtake thine eyes To their complete destruction, in this wise: ‘*Bow! when you finish, bring those hands up higher, And as you’re swinging” (language) | them rise.”’ This is the end of every man’s desire. ** let The burden of much bumping—when the swing Grows shorter than the swing of heretofore, | A burden without joy in quickening | Thy stroke from thirty-seven to two-score, W hen those thou scornedst paddle on before, And those thou mockedst at come nigh and nigher, And curses reach thee from the farther shore. This is the end of every man’s desire. But when thy toil is over, take thy rest ; And if thou hast a sweet and juicy briar, Light it, and cease from sadness, being blessed. This is the end of every man’s desire. New Civs.—It is reported that ‘ The Souls” have ceased to exist. They will be replaced by ‘‘ The No Bodies.’’ The number of members will be unlimited.

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Apait 21, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 191 THE BOOK MANIAC’3 VADE MECUM. (Question. I" sup believe yourself to be a sup- porter of literature ? Answer. Distinctly. I spend enormous sums for hooks at one time a tithe ot their existing value. Q. Are volumes without their covers of any use ? A. It depends entirely upon the date of their publi- cation. Some works are more valuable than others when they appear in their early paper leaves. Q. And yet a common loth shield may make an enormous difference in the orice of a book published in the earlier decades of the entury ? A. Assuredly. Q. As a collector, would vou desire the pages to be in perfect condition ? A. Certainly ; and I should esteem it a great advantage | if they were uncut. Q. If there were a mis- take in the setting up of the type, would you count that as a flaw ? A. No. On the contrary, if the error were subse- uently corrected, I should loom the misprint a great find, and one to be highly valued. yOu of the House.’ ”—“ Times,” April 10.) Darsy, dear, we are old and grey, Sixty years since our opening day. Q. You say that you would| Ins and outs are for every one, like the pages to be uncut ; As the years roll on! would not that cause the Darsy, dear, we had fallen awry; reading of a book to be diffi- (We differed on Home Rule, did you cult, if not impossible ? and I) A. Certainly; but that) Ah! lad, though it pained us then, would be no disadvantage. Here we are, happy, and paired (. Then you do not pe- again ! ruse the works you purchase? | Always true game, Darby my own, A. Why, of course not; I Always true game lad, and so’s your only desire to possess them. Joan! “DARBY AND JOAN;” OR, THE HAPPY “ PAIR.” [‘*Mr. Giapstone was paired for the evening with Mr. Virirens, ‘The Father Grand Old Joan chirpeth cheerily :— Awrct Conrrsston ReGicrp ®.—Mrs, nephew read aloud from the Westminster Gazette of last Thursday “8S, F, Co_tny” writes, “I have killed sixty queens between March 29 and April 3,” But Mrs, R. would not hear any more. She threw up her hands in horror. ‘ But,” she interrupted vehemently, “where were the police?” It was quite a quarter of an hour before the good lady could be made to understand that the queens in question were ‘Queen Wasps.” Zhen she was pleased ! ! or , t.’s Man anv Beast.— From a recent case it would ap- pear that lions and other ‘wild fowl” are unprotected by the law against cruelty because they are not ‘* do- mesticated”’ animals. If so, the Law in this case is in- deed ‘a hass,” a veritable ** Bully Bottom,” If the lion is not to be ‘* protected ” against man, it seems only fair that man should not be yrotected against the lion. #t lion and man be left to settle it, with Nature’s wea- pons, out in the open, and pany the ** domesticated east” would be the first to Danrsy, dear, we’re a Grand Old Pair! jow] for ‘** protection.” Are there the likes of us anywhere ? Now we’ veretired (as perhaps is best), And we seek Rr rest | Darsy, dear, all our elder band Have shew'd the way to the better land. Ah, lad! though we feel no fear, Life gets dimmer and Heaven more near. To the last though you're game, DARBY, my own, Game - the last, lad, and so’s your JOAN. By an ANGLO - PARISIAN Inquirer, — Where would the Emperor of Russta natu- rally take up his residence on visiting Paris? , Why, of course, ‘“‘d l’Keole des Beaur Czars!!" * SaHAtt Laymen be ad- mitted to the Pulpit?”’ Ahem well, how many at a time’ ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, April 9.—SquirE or MiLwoop in excellent form to-night. All the morning papers aflame with apprehension. Ministerial crisis imminent. Government proposed to take the time private Members had laboriously won at the ballot. Private Members naturally resented the flat burglary. Now’s the opportunity for Opposition to strike in and bowl over Ministry. The Parnellites have broken away; the Nationalists no longer come up to time; the Liberal private Members in state of revolt ; days of the Ministry surely numbered. House crowded to fullest capacity, in anticipation of critical divi- sion. Must be anxious moments on Treasury Bench. Within next eight hours Government’s fate settled. There may be other evictions to consider beyond those that concern the Irish tenant. A great occa- sion ; much depended upon whether the SqurkE would rise to it. He lid better still. He (apparently) fell far below it. Temptation for ordinary man in such circumstances to raise the war-whoop; take 1p with grand air the challenge thrown down; make a speech that should animate friends, irritate foes, fill the thronged House with exhilarating thunder of cheers and counter cheers. Squrre not an ordinary man. Proved himself a great artist. Successfully affected to be wholly unconscious of any condition approaching crisis Nothing more common-place than the situation. It was the 9th of April. At least no one could deny that. According to present urangements Ministers had eight nights a month in which to carry on business of the nation. Supposing House sat till 10th of August, that would be thirty-two days. There was a movement in the quarter behind the Front Opposi- tion Bench which Mr. Metior cannot see. Hon. gentlemen sitting there would like to have denied the Squire's assumption that four eights are thirty-two. But it couldn’t be done. Even if it were possible, who so stony-hearted as to be disposed to utter note of con- tradiction addressed to big meek figure standing at table, hoping it did not intrude, but, being there, cooing little nothings, none much in itself, but the procession irresistibly leading up to the conclusion that the House would gracefully yield to necessity and give up to the Government what was meant for private Members. Pruxce Artuur visibly affected. Had come down prepared to fight ; was disarmed as he entered the lists. To strike at the figure now modestly seated on Treasury Bench, withdrawing itself as far as possible from public gaze under the compression of folded arms, would be like hitting a woman. Prince Anrrnuvr couldn't do it, Josern less susceptible; when his time came girded at the Squire and the Ministry. But he was evidently out of tune with the general feeling. His asperities found no echo save in the jeering cries of the Members opposite mad with delight when once, losing his way under unwonted circumstances of his reception, the Speaker called him to order, One by one the private Members whose ewe lamb had been taken, kissed the hand stretched forth to rob them. Only two Par- nellites, including the Leader, showed up, and when division bell rang they shrank from voting against the Government. So the black thundercloud melted away and the sun shone on the Squire's pathway. Business done.—Ministers demand and receive Vote of Confidence. Moreover than which they get Tuesdays, and Friday mornings for rest of Session. Tuesday.—Finst Loxy or rae Apwreaty had a clear offing in Peers’ Gallery to-night. He might, indeed, have cruised about with- out fear of collision in Distinguished Strangers’ Gallery, in the u reaches of the Strangers’ Gallery, and even in the bay below, Mist night densely crowded with craft. The place almost empty;

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7O9° LOL PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Apri 21, 1894. —_—__ Anwotn-Forster’s voice sounded through it with curious echo, [—I—I” as he spoke reverberated under the Gallery, behind the Spe Kker’s empty chair, along the gangways, over the Gallery, and, happily, out by the ventilator with other vitiated particles of atmos- phe re , . Ages ago Guanpourn fell apon Sctater-Boorn with savagely- spoken declaration that he had ever observed that medioerities were apt to furnish themselves with double-barrelled names. A pretty remark, as was felt at the time, to fall from the lips of a Seewcer-CHURCHILI In case of Member for Belfast the accident if double-barrelled name is appropriate and explicable for quite other reasons than those ulleged in case of a gentleman who, as speedily as possible, lost his obnoxious appel in the title of a Peerage. any subject,” says more espe ially the one instinctively feels that anything rt of a double-barrelled name would be idicrously out of proportion with ARNOLD- Listening to him on th» Member for Sark, * 4 Forsrer's personality. He could not sup- port all he knows on monosyllabic, or even ny llabu name, such as GLADSTONE of H,ncourt or Batrovr.” It is the Navy to-night; Shipbuilding Vote under discussion; millions of money volved ; safety of Empire at stake ; sudience varies between a dozen and thirty ; at no time during sitting a quorum present. If Secretary of Admiralty had come under suspicion of purloining piece of old rope, or been unable to account i disappearance of a canvas bag—contingencies, it need hardly be said, utterly remote from possibility of wssociation with Kay - SHcrrLewortna's blameless life and almost clerical purity of facial expression—House would have been « crowded to the doors, As it was only the with He (Mr. BALFouR went off, leaving the captains and idmirals, secretaries and ex-secretaries, to read papers to each other, the First Lord, sitting up aloft in the Gallery to watch over poor Jack, blashing like a p Be when AkwnoLp-Forster graciously expressed modified satisfaction with the shipbuilding programme of the Admiralty. Which it seems was, in the main, not Spencer's, but AkNoLD-Forster’s. e mass Business done. ~ empty benches. Thursday.—Since Wutreneap left the Mansion House has never astonished in his life as he was just now. Munpevta had moved for leave to introduce Railway Rates Bill. That a subject Wartrneap has marked for his own. Was leading member of Select Committee which sat last year. Acted as the honoured representative of agricultural and other trading interests. Labours of Select Committee having resulted in Bill, House and country would naturally look for a few words from Wuireneap. Should veral papers round Navy Estimates read to beer a) not be disappointed. one of those felicitous little addresses which to this day remain tradition of his brilliant year of office at Mansion House. Wuireneap nothing if not good-natured. MUNDELLA, sitting below him, probably anxious at interruption, which might threaten or delay his measure, should be at once reassured. ‘Mr, Speaker, Sir,” said the ex-Lord Mayor of London; “| offer no opposition to this Bill. On the contrary——” SPEAKER interposed. With blandest air explained that if Sir Jawes did not rise to offer opposition he was out of Court. ‘| am bound,” said the Speaker, *‘at this stage to hear speeches against the Bill, not to listen to any in favour of it.” For a moment old instincts of Lord Mayor revailed. Wutreneap, with lips parted y unfinished sentence, remained on his feet confronting Spraker. Would he call on his sword-bearer, his mace-bearer, and eke his chaplain to come forward, carry forth the right hon. gentleman, and bring him up at the Mansion House? Possibly had he been still in office he micht, in the cir- cumstances, have felt justitied in adopting that extreme but constitutional course. But long ago he stepped down from the Civie throne. He had no longer at beck and call sword-bearer or mace-bearer, and had to share the common ministrations of a chap- lain. In circumstances, especially as angry eries of ‘‘ Order!” were rising round him, he sat down, ruefully pocketing the notes of his speech. “Ah!” said Car’en Tommy Bow es, always ready to point a moral; ‘* that comes of agreeing with people. Now, if J’d got up to speak on Monpetza’s Bill it would was not endowed oy Nature h#ve been to oppose it, and the House would . the qualities that made him enjoy a sea voyage.” have been obliged to stand by till I'd paid British Navy at stake, Members paired in —Speech in House of Commons, Monday, April 9th, out all the coil.” Business done.—Votes on Navy Estimates. Friday.—Morning sitting in order that Registration Bill might be brought in. Sevrre proposes and Major Rascu disposes. Gen- tlemen behind the Front Opposition Bench got up a pleasant surprise for Leader of House. At moment Moriey pte have come on Rascu stepped in; moved adjournment in order to discuss as urgent public question Ministers’ neglect of interests of agriculture. Over three score Members gave necessary support, and Rasen reeled off his speech, followed by Watrer Lone and Cuapiin. _ Jesse CoLiiyes, in Josern’s seat opposite, busy making notes. Half-a- dozen of the real friends of Hope in other parts of House similarly engaged ; evidently going to make afternoon of it. Then Seurre had Ais little surprise. Moved the Closure. SPEAKER not only accepted it, but uttered solemn words of warning upon the practice of obstructing public business just honoured by Rasca. ** An hour and a half fost, but something gained,” said the Squire cheerfully. ‘* I think we may strike a balance.” Business done.—Registration Bill introduced. rik BUDGET WASTE-PAPER BASKET. Imaginary Sai iples if Possible Conte nts. ) Deak Sie Wittiam,—Now that you are busily employed in preparing your Budget, I think it the duty of everyone— inclusive, if course, of members of my sex—to send you suggestions. Although 1 could have married over and over again, had I pleased, I have preferred to remain single. Still, | know that many of my dear female friends have never received a single proposal. No, my ear Sir Wrettam, not one. It is in their aid that I make the following suggestions :— Let every Club with a subseription of two guineas and upwards be taxed at the rate of eighteen shillings in the pound. Let every man attaining the age of five-and-twenty be asked if he proposes to marry, and then, if he dees not, let four-fifths of his neome be annexed for the use of the State. Let a ten shilling daty be imposed upon Manilla cheroots, and 1 pro rata duty upon cigars of a yet more expensive quality. here, my dear Sir WrictaM, if you take these hints, I am sure you will not only get a satisfactory revenue, but please the ladies. And what more can you want ? Yours gushingly, A Marpew wet ovr or Her Teens. Kiout How. Srx,—For the last five years I have been staying in retreat at Hanwell, attempting to solve the great problem of how to make beth ends meet with a rising expenditure and a falling revenue. You follow me, Right Hon. Sir? With a rising expendi- ture and a falling revenue! Now it seems to me, Right Hon. Sir, if you take the Death Duties, multiply them by ten, and then think of a number, you must get within reasonable distance of a surplus—say that of the Archbishop of Canrersury. But failing this, why not trust to the Income Tax. y not remit as much of this impost as will serve for a lever, and then put the remainder on to the winter favourite for the Derby? I merely throw this out as a suggestion, with a right of pre-emption vested in the Beadle of the Burlington Arcade. And now to breakfast with what appetite ye may !—Yours to the last drop, THe Emperor oF CHINA, DISGUISED 45 Batsvus, wHo Burtt A WALL. Dear Str Wittram Harcovet,—I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. But my father often talks of you and says how well you are. I daresay he’s right. From what he says it seems you are framing a Budget. Well, frame away, I don’t mind. But if you want a real tip you take my advice. Tax all the schools, They are not a bit of good, and a serious nuisance to men of talent until they reach the age of fifteen and upwards. Your affectionate little friend, Jones Mrvor. My Dear Sim,—Yon will have come to me in the long run. You may have a free breakfast table, a free luncheon bar, a free every- thing, but they won't help you. Take my advice and stick to the income tax, and for final advice rely on Yours truly, A SwILirse rs THe Poryp. tu |

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Aram 21, 1894.

id 2 by wigat : suimulant th Ba _s PATENT “ GRAND-VIN-BRUT.”’ | SYPHONS ane -_ sin af mae Never \) Waters Pints, 468. per desea. Ic-CHAMPAGNE.” : COcA- TONICCEA) Continue to bée supplied to bination of the Grand. Vi a- Brut wih i een. . pt ~ a —~y xtrac wéleas y restorative aie | , j Her Majesty the Qu somnia, Nerve oo rhe _) ‘ CARRIAGE PAID TO ANY ADDRESS IP ett, ‘Ms.; Pints, 450.; Half pints, per doz. ORDERS) THROUGH ONE OF THE AGENTS +) wines of all Wine Merchants, fs et Ste; VARIETY . Or THE COMPANY Supplied at all the Me “ “ # a “ t of either Wine, te. Se OF _ ae Piet COLLINGWOOD, © belek F BREAKFAST OR SUPPER. , COLOURS. cians ’ yy +i Neer ?’ te — Works: NEW CROSS, 8.E. (Colour Cards on Application.) Ee a Pp S S anu CRATEFUL— COMFORTING. HAM PAGNE. How is it that ‘Clarke's Blood Mix- ; The LANCeT says: — “We he ture’ has obtained h great larity!” \ ; praise . is a question which hes perplexed man A | |The anewer is, that it is unquestionably a paar skill bare brought to light how BOILING WATER OR MILK. _ Delivered at any rafiway station ie sands of wonderful oom aweses coed | acoee . ON EOE Se | by it. For Serofula, Scurvy, F = a, Skin ARE MADE WITH mus NEW EASY a® +. LIQUEUR OF THE Boren fal tint edited | DISTILLED WATER. LAWN MOWER. SS roe & S Od. per bottle. Be- LIGHTEST RUNNING : “oC? CHARTREUSE, | sac Zarnel Carsales aioe cr cabeties perso cri den te FEES, no Sie Made in al! sizes from 10 to Min This delicious Liquear, which - AMOEST BIZD i has come so ase tate, public | R A N Sg @) Mi ei A wei Sb a ¥ eal) favour on account ef its wonder- Pe ekpe the ole Licensees * ful propertiesof aiding Digestion ‘ 2 ¢ ing nai ypnce : Be! 4 canenthal & Co., ¢ yY © and preventin al tie. inctaal owies Mest Pi vine : t.! pn Victoria Street, 4 rR )) ‘

er. in competition at the Wine and Spirit Merchants last trials, Morticul tural Exhibition, is@2, Used in the Parks and Public Gardens =. ic |LAWN, MOWERS sigs a “ Knave-Pitin” "Wont, and Pont ano FRERES' —""™ Honew-Powne” Mowers, im all sizes t, suit aha th [SEAT INSRSS, ed args Pl Sp phd “BROWN, « RANSOMES, SIMSASEPPERIES, LA., tpevich. The Pure Wool British-Made FIRST QUALITY m) LIGHT—WARM-~— ELEGANT. POLISH. “id : To be obtained from the leading Dasrens, Hosieas, E OLDEST AND BEST. = - = 4 ; Marreas, and Ovirirren the Lady's Newspaper) “ feels no . ® . ° . ceommending it “ — J me ad > rter suid by Grocers, Lronmongers, Oilmen, & . t “ . ‘ - 's fon oes | ener sS Hig Bie ond toes Etkeclt “ wna see” eae ser Tes of the teed ‘bp the or Keviews Srl APS Os ordinary we. oF oarvens etet ‘Wain jes of a hardened and inveterate smoact COB bu Lions for it on My sthoks rotnd the Conunent for the Sekt ame can. ane Would like to contribute 4 pound of weat | comsiver the KiEST SMOKING TOBACCO, vit *PLAYER'S NAVY CUT thisis notan advertusement, i enciose, therefore. a cneque for the amount. 4 : I » Pen is inestimable." —Newry Reporter “ and is. per Box, at all Stationers a ¢ Hox of all kinds, Ia. 14. by Post bev Tm

——— = ed

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Apam 21, 1894 ROYAL TABLE | MARTELL’S | “THREE STAR” ~ MARMALADE, _— Branvy A DELICIOUS PRESERVE OF ORANGES AND LEMONS. In 1-lb., 2-lb., and 3-lb. Glass Jars and White Pots. SOLD BY GROCERS THROUGHOUT THE UNITED KINGDOM. OF ALL DEALERS. Intending Purchasers should see that the Brand GROSSE & BLACKWELL, LIMITED, “J. & F. MARTELL” SOHO SQUA ARE, LONDON. | ison every Label, Capsule, and Cork, without which it is not genuine. LEA & PERRINS] LIEBIC “COMPANY'S” SAUCE has been known for more than a EXTRACT OF FIFTY YEARS | AGS ty BEEF ALL OVER THE WORLD. MAKES THE PUREST, ASK FOR | ef CHEAPEST, AND BEST LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE, BEEF TEA, } rf Fay . P i 7, An z | PERFECT PURITY ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED. and see that their Signature See SIGNATURE (as an- Kee Ce "a nexed) in BLUE INK across een ues is on the label, the Label on each Jar of the Beware Genuine Extract. of Imitations. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS. Princi Exhibitions since | So ld Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester; CROSSE & oF pam ABOVE BLACEWELL, Ld., London; and Export Oilmen generally. COMPETITION since 1885. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. Highest Awards at all the WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. is event oF waht Goan, TE , FENCHURCH AVENUE, E.C. — Witham “ere temg! the Parish ington, pn te Conney Limited, ee een acne te the Chay af Loudon, and published by bum at 0. 35, Fleet hseet, in the Fasten of Up Leki City of Leodon.—Servace ee Tea 24, ok Ready, at atl the Boosetlters, Price Gj— ctoth, qgttt. gS sx Fe | ** PUNCH,” GAe~ The First Votume of PICTURES FROM