Punch 1894-03-31: Vol 106 Iss 2751

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No. 7. Price Sixpence. Volume I. Extra cloth, gilt edges. Price 6j- WOW \PICTURES |PICTURES READY.| from “PUNCH?""| from “PUNCH” ¢ al> . y i ee ~~" = ¢ Te ty Yo, MYPAL ty

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Marcu 31, 1894. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 145

POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. THE CONDUCTOR’'S EYE, Ain—‘ The Speaker's Eye.”

And if by chance he obtained a seat, His conflobustication seemed yet more complete, For when he wanted near his home to alight The Conductor was quite certain to be out of sight. He would whack with his brolly on the roof, and shout, But once in that "bus, ’twasn’t easy to get out.

‘‘Minor grievances, in their sum, make the greatest sorrows of life. re is one, and not the smallest. I can never be sure of catching the eye the conductor of an omnibus.”’ Letter by “ Past Forty Year,” in the “ Daily News.’’| Mr. Sipyey Brown was a worthy “ old bloke.” Who lived in a suburb out of London’s smoke. He had *bus’d it to town for thirty year, Till his legs got shaky, and his"sight grew queer, But though he stuck’ to his shop like a leech, - Times changed with him as they changed with each ; For he found of late, howsoe’er he’d try, He could seldom catch the Conductor’s eye. He seldom could catch— I Ere Brown could He could not (Whistle) O phew! O phew! 0 phew f He hardly could catch— O phew! Ophew! O phew! He found it hard, confound it, yes, To catch the Conductor's eye! The “* cad ’’ was once on the footboard found, Keeping of a sharp look-out around, - A = But now he went clambering across the —= roof, a With a e-tee clipper for the passenger’ s Iv ooT ; Colleeting fares with his musical clips, Or chatting with the driver about sporting tips. Poor Brown would whistle, wave his ging- ham, and cry, Sut he could not catch that Conductor’s eye He could not catch, &ce., He would stand on the kerbstone till his feet grew cold, A-hailing of the ’busses that unheeding rolled. The driver whipped on with disdainful pride As though the Conductor had yelled ‘ Full hinside ! ”’ When he looked at his watch Brown was sick at heart, For fear for his suburb he should never make a start. He’d shout and he’d whistle, and he’d ery out “‘ Hi ” But he could not catch the Conductor’s eye. He could not catch, &e. A quarter of a mile past his villa they would fly, . => __. Then Brow w he chortled with extreme I’ve caught at last—(whistles) I’ve caught at last—(whistles) At last, hooray ! And caught the Conductor's eye !

catch the Conductor's eye. catch, &e. Poor Brown would sit with his Gladstone and his rug A-dreaming of old days so serene and snug. When the good old * knifeboard” had not to compete With spiral stairway and with garden-seat. When the genial Conductor was ever on his board, And time for pleasant gossip with his fares could afford ;

to try To catch an invisible Conductor's eye. He could not catch, &e,

One night, at the close of a dreary drowse, Brown found he had travelled half a mile past his house ; He tugged at the strap, and he yelled till hoarse, To attract the Conductor—on the roof, of course ! Then he grasped his gingham, and he stag- ered to the door, And selied at space for a minute or more, Till at last, lunging out with a fiendish ery, He caught the Conductor—bang in the eye! At last he'd caught, &c.

Then an awful silence filled that ’bus, Whilst the blinded Conductor began for to

cuss, He writhed and squirmed and screwed his face, And punched a penny ticket in the two- penny place, — At last he cried, ‘* You jolly old guy! You’ve stuck your brolly in my bloomin’ heye!

’

delight, And said, ** Confound you, and if serves you right !

I’ve been and gone, a)

Mrs. R. on Fisn Drer.—Our good friend has heard that many diseases can be traced to eating fish not absolutely fresh. ‘It’s Lone ago in sweet Sevtembe very likely,” observed Mrs. RK. thought- Oh! ‘oo an 7 well _bapece ay fully, ‘‘though it never occurred to me till , aon aay 6 WS ae now to ask from what illness a herring was playing on the Links against the been suffering previous to its being cured. I Winsomest of maids: But I never again will eat any fish unless it na “cup” my ball was lying, _ can be guaranteed as quite fresh and well, And the “ divots” round were flying. or that it has been thoroughly cured. By the And with eyes a-dance she said to me, “ Your way, I know there are horse-doctors and iron’s the King of Spades!” dog-doctors, are there any regularly certifi- Now a foe, on such occasion, cated fish-doctors?”’ Her n om suggested Of the feminine persuasion, that if there were, they would be known as Fair and twenty to the game a sort of | ‘ Physh-icians.” Mrs. R. objected that he subtlety imparts ; never could be serious for a minute; and for And I felt its potent glamour, her her motto as to this fish question And I answered with a stammer would always be that ‘‘ What can’t be cured Shy and nervous, ‘‘ It was rash of me to play | oughtn’t to be endured.” the Queen of Hearts!” Any further explanation _ Of my inward admiration Very likely had exposed me to the deadliest ot snubs ; LAYS FROM THE LINKS. A “THREE-CARD LAY.” Tue R.A. or Music.—The Evill Prize was awarded this year to ReernaLp Brorny. ReornaLp Brorny ; Gained the trophy. But a snigyer from behind me And this being for the benefit of Brobuy, Just in time came to remind me good does come out of Evill. Reorvarp B. Of the presence of my caddie—and I blessed should henceforth adapt the royal motto, and the Knave of Clubs! read it thus, ‘‘ Honi soit qui bon y pense.”

Fouis Rossuth. Bors, 1s Hunoary, 1802. Diep, 1x Extiie, 1804. UnrLixcuine patriot and unfaltering foe Of lesser aims and compromises low, Stubborn, unpurchasable ; thou at least Sate ne’er a sycophant at Power's feast. Consistent still through thy great length of | days [ praise, | Living, long since thou earnedst Punch’s | And though apart from the new Age’s strife Thou lingeredst out thy long and honoured | life, An exile and a hermit, half forgot, [not Thy death moves many memories. Laurelled ’Midst the successful, thou shalt ever stand Foremost among that high heroic band Who yielded never, though foredoomed to fail, And though fate-baffled, knew not how toquail. Farewell! Thou art, in high or low estate, Of those great memories which make men eat °

SnorTLy To BE PusLisnep. — Sensational Parliamentary Novel by the Earl of R-s-n-ny, Lost in the Lords! or, the Story of a Bill!

—J

VOL. CVI. 9

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manca 31, 1894. |

—— W'voph> Yb 9/001) )0 DD PDDDDPPBED VOD RODDDLLVI) 7 ELIDDUD SDPO DNB —————aag = _ jaw” / >a \e ; ~ > ae ~— . ! LL jie <<; “ a on MMM BE SE ST lana oa = ~ ld : oe 28 4 -" : PUR 8 SSSI BE | Nga Ta UM MESS) S x mith ect = Lege HNN HUI ihn == ini ue wo eee <—— +4 ——_ = — —— Si 4 ff \ Mi) : er Y fa. ape AN / aw ri nL “tf; jf (") || t- THIN he ANN Wie i] iif NAN i] / ; j hy) if ‘ NS ‘ LTH LAE ||| T TL SSNS | Miceli Ss S Wf Lacon seer LESS ——— Lh "Si ship. SH oo rr aa, ed yy S ‘ \ Nh: - So Sees N Se &\ \: SS \ we “\ S \\ lt | ai THE NEW NAVY HORNPIPE; OR, UN SUCCES D’ESTIMATES.

I

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Marca 31, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. he SG. ~ -~ are oF , a ees iv eS ‘PREHISTORIC PEEPS. s Wis Sa eh ~ 4 AL « & Tc he WD* EvEN A LITTLE Houmpay OvTiIne 1x THE COUNTRY WAS NOT WHOLLY FREE FROM Risk ! THE NEW NAVY HORNPIPE; OR, UN SUCCES D’ ESTIMATES, With acknowledgments to Mr. J. L. Molloy.) Arr—‘‘ The Sailor's Dance.” W Here are they who said that his heels were And he’d never make a sailor ? [lead, That he’d e’er be seen on a ship of the Queen, | _ A-prance like a tipsy tailor ? Ke responds to the ring of the Bosun’s call, |“ For a dance, my lads, make ready!” The sun rides high in a True Blue sky, And the old ship’s going steady. Chorus. For it’s heel and toe to the flying bow, And it’s all so bright and breezy! The Bear with France may j But our Hornpipe beats them—easy ! To the Tar alone, the True Hornpipe’s known, And it takes a Tar to dance it ; And a tune well trilled by a messmate skilled __is the one thing to enhance it. There is much more go in that fiddle and bow Big Wrix1am’s briskly wieldi Te wi | Than some had thought, the om lilt he’s Gught, And he hardly looks like yielding. Chorus. Ah, it’s heel and toe to the tuneful bow, &c. Oh, it stirs the blood in the heart of a Salt, And it sets his pulses fl A To hear feet fall-without fadge or fault, To the catgut’s crisp clear crying. oin in a dance, | See the Admiral smile, as, in good old style, _ Those feet trip smart and skittish. Not a jig or reel, but true toe and heel, To a tune that ’s bold and British. Chorus. For it’s heel and toe to the flying bow, &c. Bold Red-Beard, you are the pick o’ the crew, No shirking, Jeremy I ! So our hearts are eased, and old Punch is pleased, So _ a good word for the Fiddler. Slide, shuffle and skip, cut, tramp and trip! And the tune so fleet and flowing ! These boys will be the pride o’ the Ship— If they ’ll only keep it going ! Chorus. Oh, it’s heel and toe to the flying bow, And it’s all so bright and breezy ! The Bear and France may pair off in a dance, But our Hornpipe beats ’em—easy ! Doxrs the beneficent Dental Hospital of London stand in need of a President? If so, why not “Mr. Anruur Toorn” ? His ‘‘draw- ings” are in everybody’s mouth. “I~ Mepro Tvrissmuvs ‘ Insts,’ ”—If this motto had been adopted, the Jbis ought to have been the safest vessel anywhere. Sex iv Fisn.—The ordinary Sole is mas- culine. The feminine is a Femme Sole. A LAY OF EASTER EGGS. (By a Lucky Little Lady.) Nor the Great Auk itself, not Sindbad s Roe, Made such a lay As Liberal Love has added to my stock This Easter Day ! Some Moa—nay, that’s too much like some more ! My eggs are full, But not of meat; a miscellaneous store ; All care could cull From Sindbad’s valley—or a jeweller’s shop, Toyman or cutler ; The sweet pearl pendent or the diamond drop ; Or, sweeter, subtler, The rubied golden circlet ; garters, gloves (W HEELER’s and Dent's); Brooches and bangles, bracelets, lockets — loves ! Kerchiefs and scents. On all the season’s joys, without expense I am a feaster ! Ah! of all poultry I prefer the hens That lay at Easter ! Musicar Jest.—Miss Manre Woem’s quar- tette was played at the Musical Artists Society by Messrs. Buztaw (so busy, Ot. Koryre.t (poor chap! what twinges while jlaying!), Coswrmy (a Continental), an ELINSKI (a name suggestive of the beautiful far above earth, i.c., Bel in sky).4)| They did their very best, worked hard, and observed i that it was ‘‘ Warm work.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [Marcu 31, 1894. 148 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, MP. House of Comm Monday. March 19.—Granvotrn evidently ré ed to gi‘ ip to House of Commons what once seemed to be meant for Newmarket. Most diligent attendant since Session pened. Feels that now Mr. G. has retired, other old Parliamentary nd a Haward-'’un lisregards mandate. hands should be on the spot to help in emergencies. Alt very well to have the Car’en behind the front Bench constantly in Parliamentary sou’wester and waterproofs, ready to go any- where and do anything. But Tommy, in spite of all he knows, is comparatively new Member, and Leader of House looks in other quarters for counsel and assistance, To-night Granpotru cleverly brought into prominence the ab- surdity of one of the fossils that cling to Parliamentary procedure. On first day of every Session House of Commons gravely passes resolution declaring it high in- fringement of liberties and privi- leges of Commons for any Peer to concern himself in the election of Members to serve for the Com- mons in Parliament. Few hear motion put, though resolution is read by Speaker from first word to last, formally submitted, and declared to be agreed to. It is of no earthly use; is obviously absurd, since, as Henny James showed just now, Commons can do nothing to Peer supposing he Still, been the usage for more than century to pass this resolution at opening of new Session ; so we go on passing t towards end of this so-called Nineteenth Century. G RANDOLPH, impatient of this absurdity, resolved to-night to deal t a death blow; and succeeds. gravely presented that he found himself pretty well abused all round. “A trumpery proceed- g.” said the Serre MaLwoo! *An empty resolution,” echoed Hewry James, GRANDOLPH adroitly based his operation on visit of the (7;RAND Youne Maw to Edin- burgh. It happened that since the meeting was arranged vacancy befell in representation f Leith Leith is not Edinburgh, any mor t's the rose. But ives hear it. ™ GRANDOLPH, with retty affectation of denounced our Pre mier, “‘a Lord of Parliament, First Lord { the Treasury, Presi- of the Council, Lord Lieutenant of the County of Midlothian” Sounds like a toast it the Mansion House,” “aid Broputrn Marrry, macking his lips with nanny pleased recollec - tions for infringing liberties and privi leges of the Commons f the United Kingdom. The Sevurre, who, since he has come into leadership The point of satire so fine and so declines to see a joke in anything, took GranpoLpn au sérieuz. ** There is no recedent for such action on part of a : “Oh, indeed!” said the Granpoirn, with his tongue in his cheek. Seurre gravely, and proceeded to cite a case in which the Marxiss and Lord Rormscnitp had lent their carriages to Jonn Arrp when he stood for North Paddington in 1887. brought under notice of House, and Oitp Morairr, then leader, with approval of colleagues and friends, had treated it as absurd. All this hard on GRANDOLPH ; but he has his reward. Hisamendment negatived ; but next Session will see the end of the musty mummery against which he tilted. Business done.—Much talk round Navy Esti- mates. No vote. Tuesday.—Cap’en Tom- MY put Genraxp SuHvt- TLEWoRTH through his acings to-night. Sent sim a prodigious paper, including multitude of questions designed to as- certain what UGHrrep would do supposing he were ordered to clear the decks for action. One of the questions was, ‘‘ Whe- ther the signalmen of Her Majesty’s ships would in action be posted under cover?” Expectod Suvut- TLEWORTH to say that was a question that should be addressed to PosTMASTER- GeyeraL. He thought of it on the staircase, but then too late. Pretty to see the Secretary ing down like some tall offing. A’mi **Tt’s like the Ma teggete beets says Penn, w Min wl oi eer,” said The matter had been The ‘“‘ Magnificent ” and the “* Majestic.” f Moreover had already run into and smashed Tommy. to the Admiralty, a very Civil Lord, bear- | iral upon Tommy bucketing about in the nificent or the Majestic going for a o knows all about the new ships. ouse roared when Secretary to Admiralty, with bland politeness (ail | THE GREAT UNEMPLOYED! To First Commissioner of Works enter a familiar figure. ' i) HN i ‘NW a FIRST Cott H ne —— MY BOY, HAVE YOU GOT SUCH A ‘THING AS A JOB IN MY LINE IN THE mee, Parks, gu? Prectovs TiRED oF porxe NormINe, I CAN TELL You !” which Peter Simple’s messmate, Mr. Chucks the Bo’sun, could not have excelled, told Tommy “if he wished to convey any sugges- tion or instruction to the Board of Admiralty or to the Commanders of Her Majesty’s Fleets = the — of their uties in the prepara- tion of a fleet ter battle, we shall receive his suggestions with the consideration they de- serve.” that would have sunk many a gunboat; but Tommy B., irrepressible, peppered away again before he sheered off to broadside | prepare another exami- | nation paper for the Secretary. Debate on Naval Esti- mates going on through sitting; disclosed cus- tomary state of things. Harrtanp, whose firm built the magnificent wae meen gy took up his e against the British navy. Had looked over the latest built battlo-shige, ant cruisers, and old! they were v bad. ‘Build them T and narrower,” a Epwarp Reep, some —~— —~

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Marcu 31, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. time Chief Constructor cf the Navy, not less high authority, said just | reverse. ‘“* Build your ships shorter and wider,” says he, looking up | at First Lord of Admiralty sitting distracted in crow’s nest over clock. ** And now,” said the Seurre or Matwoop, “‘ the doctors differing, let us agree to pass the vote ;”’ which they did. Business pe my) Estimates voted. Uanrrep Suvutrie- worTH having got the ships, got the men, and got the money too. Saturday.—Appropriation Bill ; all made snug for financial AU REVOIR TO PANTOMIME. THE Pantomime Season is over in London. Provincially, the Pan- tomime Plant sometimes flourishes for some time longer. We have had two Pantomimes, one at Drury Lane and one at the Lyceum, and both must have been more or less damaged at first by the gigantic show of Constantinople marvellously worked by Bossy Krratry. At year ; House adjourned for Easter Holidays. Herpert GLapsTone here, looking a little worried. hi ma “Getting tired already of First Commissioner of Works ?”’ ‘“What’s the matter?” I e1N, “* Well, not in a general way, you know,” he said forlornly ; “ but there’s a little thing that’s worrying me a bit. It’s the dear old | Pater. Hadn’t been at the of Works twenty-four hours when letter comes post-haste from Brighton, asking me for job in the | Parks, ‘ or anywhere,’ headds. He’s tired of being i e, and says he’s willing to turn his hand to anything. Don’t like to refuse him. But if I find him a job, sure to be talk about it in the House. Han- nukY will say I am providing for my family at the expense of the nation.” Business done.—First section of new Session gone like a whiff. TO AN EARLY-RISING SPARROW, A Lie-a-bed Lay by the Lazy Lier. Dusty little specimen of common ornithology, Why this early rising from your elevated nest ? Surely, dirty dickey-bird, you owe me an apology, Cutting short the heaven of a Club-frequenter’s rest. True, your situation is rather mortary and bricky, bird, Lending little comfort to a dissipated head ; Still, it is not absolutely n , dickey-bird, Thus to tell your neighbours when you’re getting out of bed. HO Oe CAN AY ANS ES RR YL AN SN ee "Ona a) Why should you, a sparrow, have your every movement signified ? Don’t imagine, dickey, that all insects are the same, ty nently dignified, have other crea hesitate to name. ’ Move they on their missions with funereal solemni Emulating Somnus ness and tact, You, because your wings afford aérial indemnity, Seem to think it clever to be rather less exact. So tures that I ty, A their quiet- Cease, I beg, that chirruping, like unrepaired machinery— Squeaking, whose intensity all other noises drown ; If you are excited at the absence | here of greenery, Surely there is ~ ae in the or- , chards out of town ! If a lack of worms and things immediately distresses you, _ Worms and things can always be discovered on the ground ! Truly, ’tis a puzzle to imagine what possesses you, Dickey-bird, to make this most abominable sound. Say you that the remedy I hold, and have neglected it ? _ Hint you that, if up and dressed, I would not heed your squeak ? That ’s your ignorance, you know. I must say I expected it! rhat’s the way you lower classes enerally ? Does it not occur to you that you =a I proceed to bed Scarcely at a similar position of the sun,— You, when he is setting, showing readiness to speed to bed : I, when he his lighting job has only just begun ? Probably you'll tell me that I ought to sing a glee with you, _ Welcoming the dawning of another blessed ; a ? There, my young ornithic friend, I wholly disagree with you ; Nothing would induce me to go on in such a way— Save if by some awkward transmigrationary blundering, I should ever find myself inclined to do it too : Then, no doubt, the world would have another fellow wondering Why J wasn’t slaughtered—as I'd like to slaughter you! ; “Yrs,” says Mrs. R., “I like the spring, with its violets and primroses ; but for colouring, give me the autumn tinctares!” Beetles have a manner that is emi- | the Lyceum, Cinderella was much nearer the extravaganza of ancient | Vestris and Marnews days, the days of Prancué and Dance, for Prancué did so much work alone | eee ne © Daas wee quite |a relief to him—than it was to a |modern Pantomime. It was in two | acts; which is a novelty, as Panto- | mimes are not y in acts, and in this resi it resembled some \of the ancient, elegant, fairy-tale | extravaganzas; and it could have |done perfectly well, if not better, | without the Harlequinade. e ‘“* Harlequinade ” played out if it could only have « | some startling mechanical changes | and some y good comic scenes for Clown and Pantaloon, It ‘is not played out if, in addition to fulfilling the above require- | ments, it could be made to form part and parcel of the story, if the transformation scene were not made the culminating point of the show, and if the entire performance, beginning at a reason- able hour, say eight, could be over by eleven to the minute, At the same time an extravaganza, which means a fairy story prettily and well played, well sung, without any music-hall ditties, and with the most fanciful transformation scenes and the most grotesque changes that can be imagined and effectively given, would be as safe to attract as did those of “long, long ago, which Mr. Oscar Barrett oly took as his model, This style of thing would not do for Drury Lane, cela ra sans dire, or for Covent Garden, but for a theatre like the Lyceum. is not A VADE MECUM FOR “ MORTAR-BOARDS.” (Compiled by a Bigot with rather strong Prejudices.) Question. Why should London have an University ? Answer. Because Oxford and Cambridge are within an hour or so | of town. ; | Q. Have not the colleges on the Isis and the Cam been hitherto | considered sufficient ? | A. Certainly; and that is the reason why London is to have col- leges of her own. | Q. Of whom will the governing body be composed ? | _A. Of all sorts and conditionsot men. The London County Council | |are to fraternise with Convocation, and the Inns of Court are to pull | together with the Physicians and the Surgeons. Q. Can you say from what quarter the first row will emanate ? A. Probably from the Surgeons, who had a dreadful quarrel in Lincoln's Inn Fields only a year or so ago. Q. Will the Inns of Court get on nicely ? A. Not if they squabble as much about the University Government as they have over their Bar examinations. Q. Are not the British Museum and the Royal Agricultural Society also to be repre- sented ? A, Certainly ; and no doubt the spokes- men of these two “‘interests”’ (with the kind assistance of the Engineers and the Mercers) will make confusion worse confounded. Q. What advantages are expected from the carrying out of the | scheme ? A, That U Tooting College will compete with Trinity, Cam- bridge, and oe Bayswater Hall challenge comparison with Christ Church, Oxford. ; ; Q. And what effect will the Town Establishment have upon ** the Blues ”—dark and light ? A, None. ’ j Q. Do you mean to say that Oxford and Cambridge will hold their own ? | | | A. Certainly. Men who would have gone to the Universities on the Isis and the Cam will “ continue the movement,” while those who wouldn't will be satisfied with “‘the’Varsity” on the Lower Thames.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 31, 1894. A LARGE ORDER. ** A—LET ME INTRODUCE YOt ~ , i 5 pb bt ———— _— PAS 25 U7 ite ~ SS —— ~~ ~~ \ i = = To My Wire. Sue Dances!” SETTING THE “TABLEAU,” A Scene Just Before Curtain Rising. Mr. Stage Manager men, fall into places, if you please. (aside . arranging, and time's nearly up. up for the Grand Tablean “THE UNITED KINGDOM.” Most important, you know, we should show no disunion in doing it. Mise Cambria Fagen . Oh, that’s all very well, but I’m awfuuy uncomiorta more to the front. Miss Hibernia (aside . to x de ! oy Ww ' a 3 “ MR Fed ng pushing another a shade back, straightening a back here, bending a Curtain ’s just about to be rung /m there, turning a face, lifting a chin, shaping a drapery). le in this position. Can’t I come just Oh, of course! Forward, puss! put me in the background, I suppose. We shall see. ( You know you told me, Mr. Mawacer, that I should—— Mr, Stage Manager, Oh yes, yes, yes! That will be al jut I must group you so as to get the best effect from the front. please, Mr. Bui! f I'd been stiff’, as you call it, I should A little less stiff, if you Mr. Bull. Humph! have stood out altogether, I think. long enough. Stiff’, indeed ! Mr. Sandy. Well, you do look a little wooden, Jon, I must say. [ Sniggers. Mr. Bull (hotly). image of the Highlander outside a tobacconist’s. And if tha Mw ioden Mr. Stage Manager. Now gentlemen, please, no talking. This is | Stine eee a tablean, remember, not a patter-p Miss Hibernia. Quite so, Miss Cambria, Mr. Sandy. He’ he! all remind him of it. Mr Mr. or us out with his loud talk. Thinks because he 1¢ 's to play “ the [9 partner” all the time. hate such arrogant, bouncing ways! " little,” J think, provided you are also “* gallant.” a shade Thinks Aloud.) ] right. I’ve been in the background Wooden? I like that, Why you're the very t’s not Won't even Mr. Stage Manager. Pray, pray ladies and gentlemen, stop talk- ing, and take your respective positions. All. Yes, but what are our respective positions ? Mr. Stage Manager. 1 will show you. (Arranges the four figures in an impressive group, pushing this one forward a little, very gently There! That’s better. Except the expressions of your faces. They will nerer do! Smile, Mr. But, as in proud, placid confidence. No, no, that’s the pride without the placidity. Look boldly out, but do not clench your jaws or knit your brows. And you, Mr. Sanpy, a shade less sourness—if I may say so—would make you look more genial and—ahem !—Seotch! Not quite so much prickly thistley nemo me impune lacesset about it you know. Miss CaMBRIA, my dear, as the prominent figure—— The other Three (together), Oh, indeed!!! Mr. Stage Manager (blandly and deprecatingly). ——in this par- ticular tableau, for the moment, do not hide more of the other figures with your cloak and hat than you are obliged to. And now, if you | please, all of you, fancy you are having your photos taken for your —ahem !—sweethearts, and look as pleasant as ever you can ! All. Oh, I daresay! When we are all as cramped and uncomfort- able as possible ! Mr. Stage Manager (gently). Well, you know, tableaux are always just a little trying—to the muscles and nerves. But I do want our “* Living Picture” to be a success, and I’m sure you will all share with me the desire that it should be so. Now, then, do not shift or change your relative positions, and, oh! Miss Hrperyia KVITIIAY 418 ‘(NTH SSI bursseappo ‘sebvun jy ebvi, back, if you please, my dear! lay. M4 ° ° Mixsonn ! Mr. Burt always | erertos wadtarnd is big and strong | ‘3 (Sniffs.| Contovs Oprration.—In a recent Scotch trial held at the Court Better be | of Session, Edinburgh, Lord Kyiiacny, in answer to a question, ( Bridles. | replied, “1 do not think I can compel the witness to be ” Fancies he can do the ‘* United Kingdom” | Mrs. R. was much puzzled on ing this. Of Pug-nosed, Roman- by himself, and that the other figures do not count. learn that England doesn’t mean Great Britain, often as I have to | nosed, Grecian-nosed, Snub-nosed persons she has heard, and knew |some personally. But they were born so, and she should like to ask [ Chuckles. | what possible law there could be, even in Scotland—which was, she Bull (loftily). Bab! you're « cantankerous, separatist, pro- | believed, still a snuff-taking country—that could compel a change vineial, unpatriotic lot ! [ Snorts. | in anybody’s nose. — s“-_ marr iwAaAa waoiwd..

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marcn 31, 1 394.

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Marca 31, 1894.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

2 \\ . < “ALL ’S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR.” Spooney (to hated rival about tojwmp a harmless fence), ‘‘’Wank Wire, Sin!”

THE BALLAD OF THE OMNIBUS CONDUCTOR, Carine Cross—penny all the way, Hyde Park and Kensington, Hammersmith—Holborn, did you say ? No, Miss, the yaller one. Third time to-day St. Paul’s we quit In this red omnibus, And many weary hours of it Are still in front of us. Nearly a quarter of an hour Behind, as sure as fate! And here comes on a thunder-shower, Uncommon sharp and straight. And them two sweethearts on the roof Without a gamp! But note, Because she’s got no waterproof, He’s lent her his top-coat ! And she is not afraid she’ll spile, I gather from her eye ; So they ’re waiting with a peaceful smile Until the clouds roll by. But the old lady on the right, In furs, I can’t abide ; She ’s shrieking out, in tones of spite, She wants to go inside! ** You should ’ave gone at first. Too late, Mum!” Room outside for one— For Piccadilly, Hyde Park Gate, Hammersmith, Kensington. There ’s some gets down at Charing Cross, But I won’t tell her this ; Her costume won’t be any loss! She ’ll just stay where she is. Those two—I might give them the tip! They ’ve got no blooming furs, And I see the rain begin to drip From that nice ’at of ’ers! ** Room inside, presently, for two, Lady,” I murmur low. Old woman looks as if she knew, Although she couldn’t know! So down at Charing Cross they get, That pair, and step inside, And passing by the Haymarket, Up Regent Street we glide. But in Piccadilly there’s a block, Close to St. James’s Park, And we wait five minutes by the clock, As stranded as the Ark! From the bus in front turns round to jeer A Kilburn chap perverse, And we wrangle for a bit, to cheer The drooping passengers ! Then on again. The raindrops cease, And there’s blue aky to see, Along St. James’s Park the trees Are green as they can be. And soon those two get out. The sun’s begun to shine. They ’ll stroll along in Rotten Row, And by the Serpentine. A pleasant thing, mid alleys green Ro ramble ah down! There is a girl I’ve sometimes seen Away in Camden Town. I wonder would she walk with me ? Only it don’t seem right To ask her, when one’s never free Until the dead of night ! I know. TEACHING THE STRANGER HOW TO ARGUE. (A Fragment from the Next “ History of the Civilisation of the Nineteenth Century.’’) Tue Intelligent Foreigner accompanied his | guide into the chosen birth-place of Educa- |tion. For a few ‘minutes they. could hear nothing, as the noise was so great, “It is simply disgraceful!” cried one of the disputants. ‘* Infamous! infamous!” yelled another. ‘* Hounds! scoundrels and knaves! ” ed a third. **Come on, I defy you all!” bawled a fourth. “Give it them! Down with them! Out with them!” howled the excited occupants of the public gallery. | “* Let us come away,” cried the Intelligent Foreigner through a speaking-trumpet. ‘** Perhaps it would be better,” replied his | guide, who had been able to make out his companion’s suggestion with the aid of an ear-trumpet. “Dear me,” murmured the Intelligent Foreigner when he was once more safely promenading the Victoria Embankment. * What were they quarrelling about ?” | “Oh, they were scarcely quarrelling,” ex- plained his guide; ‘‘the School Board were only calmly discussing a religious question.” Upon hearing this the Inte aes Foreigner returned to his own country in Central Atrica, where debates were conducted in a more dignified manner. New Specuratrve Investwent. — “ The Booby Mines Co., Unlimited.” Also, “* The |\Irregular Investment and General Loss | Guarantee’d Co.” infamous! |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 31, 1894. us Youth (to Fair Débutante). “En M GODOLPHIN !" Fair Débutante ( flattere: N ss Youth (hastily). ‘‘ Or covrsz—zer—lI o THE LATEST QUOTATIONS. Mr. Grant ALLEN suggests that capitalists should put their money into brains, and endow thinkers. Why not have a Literary Stock Ex- change at once, and turn each writer into 1 Company?’ Criticism would be beautifully simplified, while authors, publishers, and public would mutually know “‘ where they are.” Sub- ined are some paragraphs extracted from the Financial Punch of the middle of next week. al > > > > There was a very brisk inquiry yesterday on Change for Rising Novelist Shares, but New Humorist Debentures drooped to a certain ex- tent. Weymans were temporarily on the up grade, while Caffyns (Iota Stock) had a healthy I MUST CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR APPEARANCE Z). **On, THANKS, Mr. Youne!” NLY MEAN your First APPEARANCE, You KNow!” look, though whether this is well-founded is open to dispute. Bensons still showed signs of inflation, and Zangwills were moderately cheer- ful, owing to a continued demand for Ghetto Issues. Grands receded somewhat, owing to the drain on this stock last year. A further advance has been freely predicted in Egertons and Kernahans; these bonds have, however, for the moment eased off fractionally, operators for the rise fighting shy of the present glut in psychological securities. > > >. 7 . The Established Authors Market closed quiet but firm, with a tolerably strong buying tendency in “‘futures.” One-per-Cent. Merediths were a shade harder, while Indian and Pennsylvanian converted Kiplings showed a moderate advance | favour with a limited public. | Poet investments have been much wa- onshorts. Haggards (Mexican and Afri- can Consolidated), Hardys (W essex Gold- mine), and Besants Deferred on the whole maintained an active sale. O’ Rells ruled ** bullish,” and there was a specu- lative account for the fall in Ibsens and | i In spite of an | other foreign securities. animated competition between two rival jobbers, Tolstois declined after the pre- vious rush, and Copyright Debentures of the last issue were toa certain extent | off colour. . . . Insiders prophesy no immediate varia- tion in Twains, Bret Hartes, and Blacks ‘Highland Obligations). There will pro- bably, however, be some slight fluctua- tion in Stevensons, Q's, and Corellis. Grant Allen Ordinary were the turn above par, but the same Company’s Preference Stock found no buyers. A steady advance was maintained in Brad- dons. Ouidas were hazardous, though Zolas were less risky than usual, as it is rumoured among those who know that the forthcoming Lourdes series of Cou- pons will be an exceptionally safe in- vestment. Schreiners Unitied were in Minor tered of late on limited clique sales, and continue languid. They are un- doubtedly somewhat difficult to ** bear.” > >. > >. The List of Applications will open on Monday, April 2 (All Fools’ Day being Sunday), for shares in a new Journalist. We prefer not to give the list of Direc- tors. According to the abridged pro- spectus, the Company has been formed for the purpose of acquiring the rights for London and twenty miles round in a new Collector of Town Refuse, who is the originator of a novel and rapid system of converting the same into pars of statutory length. Amongst his assets are an assortment of political convictions (slightly damaged, but reversible), a complete set of canards (newly hatched), fifteen pawn-tickets, and a pending libel | case, An interim dividend of a farthing | in the pound will be declared at an early opportunity. A solicitor to the Company has not yet been found. Aw Un-Lecxy Remark ; or, a Cat- ASTROPHE AveRTED.—Mr. Lecxy pro- tested recently in the Obserrer that he “never believed, or heard, or said, that | Jacos Cats inspired SHaksPEARE”’; but he did say, he admits, ‘* that the popu- larity of Cats in Holland was almost like that of SHaxsprare in England.” SHAKSPEARE was fond of Cats though not of a “fine puse-gentleman ”—which sounds like Tom Cat, Esq.—and he has many a good word “‘ to throw to a dog.” On one celebrated oceasion he was in- spired by a pack of hounds, but never by a troop of Cats, ] (Symportcat.—" Lord Rosenery,” said The World last week, ** will probably go down to Battle for a couple of days.” He will certainly have to come up for ** battle” for the next three months. After his first nasty one from Wamsa- Laznsy the Jester, it is to be ho the PREMIER will ‘*‘ come up smiling.” Mrs. R. cannot think why people are speaking of ‘‘the sensible aldition to the Ineome-tax ”’ expected in the Bud- get. ‘‘Any addition,” says Mrs. R., "" 3 senseless,”’

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Marcn 31, 1894.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155 LAYS OF THE CURRENCY. IV.—* PRICE SIXPENCE.” | I smNG a song, it has been done ore; I could not (if I would) with truth deny it. We have our minor poets by the score, Who make somehow a decent living by it. fact I do myself— that ’s more Or less, and so could you were you to try it. It’s pleasant thus to earn (when in a fix) pence, So that is why I sing a Song of Sixpence. Oh, not for me (I’m glad to say to sing Of that abnormal pocketful of rye; ; . I fondly hope and quite believe the King t Used language suitable to such a pie. No doubt he stormed and swore like anything, And blew the wicked cook up —to the sky. My song is different. Somehow Nursery Rhymes Seem quite unsuited to these modern times. With Sixpence now you get a ladies’ journal, News-crammed up to the very brim, where no thing Too sacred is to print. It seems eternal Is woman’s interest in her inward clothing. How pleasant it would be if one could spurn all These things sartorial. fess with loathing Icon- | ‘‘ How's THs, Brows ! ATHLETICS UNDER DIFFICULTIES. Master (to Brown Secundus, who is doing a little private practice). Out or ScHoo.? Brown Secundus (innocently). ‘‘Srprarxep Wrist, Sir!” These robed and hatted columns never fai To fill—well, one who's only a mere male, Or Sixpence buys for you a pic- > Vane paper. You (if you’re famous) find _ . your portrait there Displayed in such a way that | every gaper Can xen s00 ‘taal a bevy of the air. irl who knows | drape her tful limbs — une dan- seuse premicre. Your likeness isn’t like you, but your fame Consists in this—they always | print your name, Along with papers of the hum- bler penny, The bookstalls now are all heaped up on high With those that cost you six, all seeking any Sensation like to catch your | roving eye. To tell the truth, they've got to be so many, You hardly know which one | is best to buy. Though should you wish to keep your loose (or lax) pence, Remember each you get means ** Bang goes Saxpence ! “ Writ rue Barren Musecm REMAIN WHERE IT NOW Is?” — Certainly ; it is so strongly at- that it will stay just where it is, in spite of * powers” being given to it to add to itself two new wings, and to take several flights (of stairs). Waat For?” A HOLIDAY. TASK FOR THE EASTER VACATION. Dear Mr. Puncu,—As you always look after us fellows, will you say a good word for us at Easter? Everyone knows that we don’t have too many holidays, but it seems a beastly shame to handicap the little vacation we are allowed by setting us holiday tacks. However. if we are to have them, let us answer them as we please, in a cheery, light-hearted spirit appropriate to the occasion. To teach you what I mean I will jot down a few questions to show you how [ think they ought to be treated, and when I write myself I feel sure that I am speaking for a lot of chaps who share my opinion. HOLIDAY QUESTIONS WITH MODEL ANSWERS. History Question, Who was WILLIAM THE ConQuEROR ? Answer. A Johnny who came over to England to have a tussle with Haroxp, and got the best of it at Hastings. (. What was the result of the Battle of Hastings ? A. That everything was made thip-shape for no end of a time, and consequently caused it to be unnecessary to consider events until the reign of QUEEN VICTORIA. @. What do you know about the Normans ? A, yee ~ in armour, who became the ancestors of anyone claimirg respectability at the end of the Nineteenth Century. Q. What were the provisions of Magna Charta ? A, Nob panne known, but if there were a luncheon party at Runnymede, probably venison from the New Forest. Q. Who was Kicnarp THE Friast ? A. A King of England who was fond of music. He killed a lion, was taken prisoner, and discovered by BLUNDEL, probably from | Marces. Fond of fighting, and was a friend of Sir WaLrex Soorr, who put him in Jranhoe. @. Give the principal events from the commencement of the reign of CHARLES THE Frrst up to the present time. _ A. Execution of Cuantes roe Finst. Death of Queen Anne. Battle of Trafalgar. Battle of Waterloo. Accession of the QuEEN. The Crimean War. The Indian Mutiny. Marriage of the Prince or Waxes. Marriage of the Duxe or \ork. Commencement of the Easter Holidays. Groonarny. Q. Name some of the principal places of interest in London. A. The theatres; Olympia; the Crystal Palace. The table d'hite at the Grand Hotel. Madame Tvussavup’s. Lorp’s Cricket Ground. tached to its present situation, | The Oval. The Army and Navy Stores; and the tops of all the | omnibuses. — Q. Give the names of the most important towns in England. A, Eton, Harrow, Winchester, Westminster, Rugby, Marlborough, | Cheltenham, Felsted, Radley, Godalming, and West Kensington. Q. Specify the principal exports and imports of Great Britain, A. Don’t know. Q. What causes the creation of an island in latitudes where volcanoes are in constant eruption ? A. Don’t care. There, Mr. Punch, if we might floor our papers as above mentioned, a holiday task would become quite a little holiday pleasure. Do your best for us. term time, ah when we come home, get the governor to buy a couple of copies—one for himself, one for us, So you see you owe us something. One good turn deserves another. Your affectionate little friend, Jones Minor, Tue Acra Baxx.—The rupee is down a penny since November. It is now worth one shilling and twopence instead of one and three- We always take you in during | pence. The prospects of the A. B. were declared at the last meeting, | as reported in the Times, to be ** encouraging,” but the past history latterly appears to have been rather Agra-vating. ‘* Well, after all, says Kopert the Vaiter, ‘tis only Agra-vaiting for better times, Goop News, rr True, As TO THE RosEBERY Coxstitutiox.—It is said that the sore places have been Healy’d up. |

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16 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Marcu 31, 1894. TO A “V-SHAPED DEPRESSION.” Iw meteorological reports Thou comest to us, mostly from the West, And any individual who sports A decent topper is, like thee, depressed. © sad Depression, ruinous to gamps, The broad Atlantic would not feel so much Thy moist and mournfal influence that damps The moist and mournful Briton with its touch Then pause at times, and make the sad sea waves Yet sadder and yet wetter than they are, And send us not to inandated graves, With cough and cold, consumption and catarrh. Yet, if thou comest, change at least thy name, V-shaped Depression—scientific sound ! | Warm vernal showers once so softly came, And coaxed the crocus from the moistened ground. Poor Poetry is dead : ring out her knell. Stern Science simply crushed her long ago. That Science lives, ** V-shaped Depressions” tell ; That Poetry is dead, these verses show. “ADVICE GRATIS.” My pear Bareriess,—I have long been puzzled by the want of suécess accorded to you in our mutual profession. This is certainly not the result of lack of assiduity on your part. You are punctual und regular in your attendance in Court. On the occasions when you have addressed it, so far as my experience goes, you have shown yourself equal to the occasion. It is true that I pone only re- member two such, but doubtless there have been many others, Those to which I allude are, first, when you rose in the Queen’s Bench Division to complain of a draught, and Mr. Justice —— at onee granted your application, and made an order directing the usher to close a window. Second, when, being the senior barrister wesent, you rose to congratulate Mr. Baron on his return to the 0 nch. (He had risen, you will remember, half an hour earlier than the usual time on the previous afternoon, owing to a somewhat premature increase to his domestic responsibilities. It is true that his Lordship, after you had spoken, observed that ‘it was a private matter, and ought not to form the subject of public allusion”; but I can never forget the dignity with which you replied, ‘My Lord, that which concerns you concerns the nation You had, I remember, resumed your seat even before His Lordship requested you to do so. So that the report, as it appeared in the papers, that you were “ordered to sit down,” “‘and resumed your seat accord- ingly,” is not correct. How is it, then, that your efforts have not been crowned with success? My dear| Burercess, you will not be offended with me if I suggest that your personal appear- ance is not sufficiently impressive. I illus- trate what I mean. Your forensic costume is correct, your dress appropriate, your whiskers are according to a well-known and universally accepted pattern, ‘‘ the mutton chop.” But you lack, dare I say the word, Devil,” or rather “‘ go” (“‘ ge” is better, and I adopt it), Now my idea is that, with your undoubted ability, it is worth while making a series of experiments in your personal appearance, with the view of ascertaining whether the success ycu undoubtedly deserve can any longer be denied to you. Jn primis, you must sacrifice your whiskers. I know this may bring trouble at home ; but if the importance of the situation is urged, I faney the opposition will give way, or at any rate ompromise, for moustaches to be grown ut the sea-side during the Long Vacation. I remember a friend of mine who sacrificed his moustaches on taking silk, vercoming a good deal of hostile do- mestic feeling by having them mounted on a Christmas card with some appro- priate verses. I don’t see why you should not do something in this line with your whiskers. Having got rid of the whiskers, I would suggest that you should put yourself into the hands of an expert, like Mr. Crarxsown, the theatrical perruquer, in | | Affect to be suffering from short sight, order that you may appear as the spry, incisive barrister. The wig must be mentee and rendered less formal, but your collars and bands must be as stiff as starch can make them. CLarx- son will give you a heavy eye- brow, and you will wear a glass. Your manner will be short and sharp, your gestures quick and emphatic, you will not brook contradiction, and your power of self-assertion must un- limited. I have great faith in this type, but should it fail after a Rit trial, I would recommend the following change. The wig should be straightened out. The heavy eyebrow removed, the glass laid aside. CLARKSON should produce you as the jocular genial counsellor. This shoul be achieved by raising the colour of, and bringing into prominence, your cheek; a slight redness on the nose indispensable in true comedy. You will assume a quaint | and quiet mien; but your eye must twinkle (CLARKSON will see to this). The last type that I would suggest to you in this letter as worthy of a trial is the erudite counsel, for this character you will require whiskers, but not the formal pattern you now wear. They must be irregular and straggley. The face a good deal lined, and heavy spectacles; collar and bands limp. and let your excellent clerk see that you are regularly supplied in Court with legal works, black letter preferred, which you will diligently study about three inches from your nose. My dear Brrer.ess, | shall be anxious to learn what you think of my suggestions, and to give you others should these fail after fair trial, Yours, WELL-WISHER. PHILANTHROPY A LA MODE. A sittineé for the Public Examination of the Directors and Officers of the Children’s Benevolent Bank was held recently before the Pre- siding Authority. Although eighty witnesses were required to appear, only the Secretary attended, It transpired that the Institution was registered for the purposes of transacting the business of bankers and money lenders. The insolvency of the Bank was attributed to its funds having been advan on inadequkte or worthless securities. The Secretary, having been called, was examined by the Presiding Authority. He said he was appointed pro tem., but had nothing to do with the composition of the prospectus. Two hundred million prospectuses were issued in China, Japan and other charitable com- panies. The alleged object of the Bank was to assist infants of tender years at times of pecuniary difficulty. The Presiding Authority. Was not the prospectus a combination of cant and cuteness ? The Witness admitted that such was the case. He was not respon- sible for the prospectus. That was the work of the promoter, who received two-thirds of the shares as a consideration for the trouble he had taken in establishing the Institution. The other shares, worth apparently £100 each, were issued at a very considerable discount. ‘he Presiding Authority. Is it not a fact that some of the £100 shares were sold at twopence a-piece ? The Witness was not prepared to answer that question in the affirmative. However, he had certainly heard (on reliable authority) that some of the shares were purchased at the sum per share of | twopence halfpenny. He did not consider this a disproportionate sum for the value of the investment. The Presiding Authority. Why did the Promoter receive two- thirds of the shares of the Institution ? The Secretary. For forming and floating the Company. The Presiding Authority. And what became of the funds that were actually received by issuing the debentures at the large discount you have mentioned ? The Secretary. They were sent to the Promoter. The Presiding Authority. And where is that official ? The Secretary. 1 believe that he is residing abroad. “ [The inquiry was then adjourned sine die. Apission-Mongey To A Bacn Concert.—‘ Bach-shesh.” _

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mancn 31, 1894.

OF ALL DEALERS. Martell’s ROTTLED IN COGNAC. ‘Co L0US Op Matt. The finest type of DUBLIN WHISKY obtainable. Over 50 years’ established reputation. Cares of 1 doz. bottles free to all Railway Stations on receipt of 50s. ANDREWS & ©O., DAME 8T., DUBLIN, Fole Proprietors of the C. O. M. Brand. London Office— 12, Jonux Srarer, Apetrat. (AN BE OSTAINED WITH A Ans aN te NES& teem Ft: Came H r B Walker &s “WaIShY r. 1986 make, qr aare Carscre,Bottied i tied un ader Guvern- y the W =e Merchants s Vision on | Offices : 6 & 70, iy ngiand LANR, E.Cc. TATLEE KIZ CIGARETTES, |= FINEST TURKISH BLEND, OF ALL TOBACCONISTS. WM. CLARKE AND SOW, LONDON AND LIVERPOOL.

cueat Of all Wine Merchants.

FRAISINE, PREPARED Puen FRESH STRAWBERRIES. la éull pese, post free, Is. t@ S. & H. HARRIS’S HARNESS COMPOSITION (Wartaracer). a PASTE kB Ss. HARRIS'S (We or ae and PoLIsH! Ifa P PASTE 180 pom ann Gta H. HARRIS. Manufactory: LOND

SAVORY and MOORE'S BEST FOOD ror INFANTS \s., &6., Ge.

aa for ee sate ESE —Buy “ Collas.” sie —PA GREAS VES TAR, OLL,—PAL pease OM FURNITURE,—CLOTH GOLLAS.—Try “ Colla.” Hstrarebined, nearly odoutieus Label and Cap. , becoming "yulte odouriess. BENZINE GOLLAS,—Ask for “ Collas ” Fy ---—— 14 Pheer) ls. 64. per bettie. Agents:J.Sanorn&8oxs,?, Winsley St Oxfordst ,W RANSOMES’ a VES TAR,

tural Exhibition, (802, Used in the Parks Pablic Gardens. LAWN MOW ERS THE BEST in the WORLD. “New Avcroms * Omar Avromaton," “ ANGLO. Pant Won. and * Poxt axo weess. Powra” ms owees, in all sizes to suit ire fa All Machines sont on a Son h Tan ul and Carriage Paid. Suppiied roomongers. RANSOMES, SIMS FEPPERIEG, LA. -, Ipswich. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY or rae STOMACH, HEARTBURN, BMEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION, Bold throughout the World. HOOPING COUGH, GROUP.

ROCHE'S ATION. The celebrated effectual pK wiiposs internal Hy hi -3 . P Bowskse x , 187, Queen Tetorig Street, andes & most Chemis ’ _ pare tan My, ib, Ree deta Pers Kew York—For ons Co., North William Street, TO SMOKERS. FLOR DE DINDIGUL, fxiitsS.0zi exquisite Pye pronedace Metin that avanmaha speed SEs artis tate Biwiay, heapside, | ondon.

BEAUTIES Can be CAUGHT & KEPT if you have « KODAK. Your children or your favorite pets can be taken in the charming, unconscious posi- tions of play. Whether at home or abroad, you can make ures of such bits of and architecture, or works of en- gin neering and ner as may please or nierest you. preliminary study is necessary. Kodake are Brescia ready for use, containing a roll of sensitive film for taking from 24 to roo pictures with each charge. “You PRESS THE BUTTON, WE DO THE REST." The Kodak was invented in order that anyone of sensibility and judgment might, without study of drawing and painting, give the rein to his taste at the very moment tion, He who owns a Kodak is continually increasing his knowledge of the laws of com tion andart. Asan aid to education in this direction it is priceless. Price from £1 6s. yen eg apart EASTMAN: =~ 11§+t17 Oxford St., Lenpon, 4 Place Vendémé, Paris. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. tain >. can crate ive fate anne onl be fiat Price 6. 64, 10s, 64., 2) ‘Mair BUiNE is invelec ALL FAT PEOPLE should take Lt ENE LL uid (Bege 7 we tafe cure for Browrs nes. nd 2s NK CO., 70, Piasbory Poremrat, —

The on TRILL

a 'WILLS® NAVY GUT “CAPSTAN” Brand _—.,, Can now be obtained in 2-02, Patent Air-tight Tins, in 7 able Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. CARRIAGE PAID TO ANY ADDRESS IF | ORDERED THROVOH ONE OF THE AGENTS OF THE COMPANY. LIEBIG a2 COMPANY'S ws Bignature (as above) in Blue Ink across the Label

AND PERFUMERS, th ELECANT CRYST, TOILET CASKET

FOR PLEASURE AND PROFIT. FRUIT a he ROSES “=: wey in De ae / Packing and Carriage Free cash with order, %*. per dozen, 00s. L_ 10. All other Nursery tock carriage forward. Roses tn Pots From 16s. PER 00Z. Ornamental Trees, 91 Acres. 4 Acres of Glass. Clematis (60,000) from 15s, doz. Nx. omate! —_ at slightly The best Prot nrable. SEEDS = CENERAL CATALOCUE wpe oy be ch, artistically pro } aad eens - yme Wundreds of illustrations, and | of valeabie fe informatic m, sent PREM RD. SMITH & CO., Worcester. 80 Acres in Stock. Hundreds of

Gold FRANKS & co. erenrar, Loxpon, setae Three Grades of Strength, viz. :— “MILD,” Yellow label, “MEDIUM,” Blue label. “FULL,” Chocolate label, As weil as in One-Ounce Packets} | ‘> and j-lb. Patent Air-tight Tins, |) by all Dealers in Tobacco. W. D. & H. 0. WILLS, Limited, Bristol and London. — ——_—____—_—

PROMOTES “=<COAL™ TAR. “SOAP Yseaies ae TABLETS Gs s| PE Comms»

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL —Maacu 31, 1894

Retained when all other Foods are rejected,

It is invaluable. London Medical Record, FOOD For INFANTS

Benger’s Food 2/6, 5/-, and 10/- is sold , by all Chemists, dc. GOLD MEDAL IvtremwatTionaL Heatta Exutsttiox, Loxpow, INVALIDS AND THE AGED |

HOMOCEA INSTANTLY | TOUCHES THE SPOT A flictedwithNeuralgia, Lumbago. Paralysis. Convulsions, Bruises, Strained Muscles, Pains in Joints, Aches and Sprains, Eczema, Burns, Tooth-ache, Face-ache, Chilblains. Piles, Boils, Ulcers, Stings, Chaps, and ali kindred ills’ and complaints. Beary M Stanley sys *Homocea’ I find to be the most to (hing and efficacious cngent that | could possibly have. It te alse instantiy moliifyin, m cases of acute inflammation Taylor says Trevet used ‘Homocesa and have proved ite healing virtee beth for severe bruises and fiesh wounds, and also to kil) the virus of mosquitoes and chigoes jiggers '

Homoces is solid al) dealers at ls ~~" and & O84 per bux. embed iy 7 44 14 and &., fom the Agency, Ti, Ramiltes King William erect, London Bridge, sells it

C. Brandauer & Co's Circular-Pointed Pens.

GEVEN PRIZE MEDALS.

) ROR Reries of Smoothly as «4 Lead Pencil. Neither Beratch nor Spurt, the points being rounded by a special process. Amorted Fample Box for 7 stampe from the Works, BIRMINGHAM. | a Ay! Royal Warrants of Appotntment to H M The Princess of Wales, 1.1. M. The Empress a Prolerieh, Oc ROYAL SERGES | yaw navait S( FOR LADIES, CHILDREN, AND CENTLEMEN. ES . - J \ And Imperia] Woollen pad Washing BressBiaterials \ QQ in the most fashionable and at lain and | OOS AX Pancy Weavings for SPRING A D ’ MMER.

| Ge ode pes hed for Buportation. Patterns Post Free. Any Length N Bold riage Paid om Orders of % and above to any part of reat Britain or Ireland) Mention this Paper S NY -AKS — EGERTON BURNETT, wolcot"ZSoct"ecrtine |

“The name Cadbury on any packet of Cocoa * is a guarantee of (] ur purity.” Medical Annual Ec. ers cocoa

Pure.’’ “The typical Cocoa of English Manufac- ture, Absolutely) The Analyst.

Printed by W \iliam Stuart Selth, of No. 9, Loraine Read, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Istt in the County of Middlesex, at Printing Offices Street, in the Precinet of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Perish of wt Bride, City of of Mesars. Kradb a , Agnew. & Co.. Limited, London. —Sarcaocr, March 31, 1606

bd 4 a » NOTLCA.— THE = > 7 $) > an alw z|> 7)” 3 210 “lw s|z ,| @ ee] 4 ola > a

“Mr es, Sn