Punch 1892-12-03: Vol 103 Iss 2682

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Invaluable | Complete Sets of For The Handy-Volume Chri socater a rt p U N CG H " ma SHAKSPEARE 1841 to 1891 (51 Vols.) cloth £29 12s, 6d.; 1841 to 1890 (25 Vols.) hf.-bd. £96, 13 Little Vols. ina case, cloth, 21s.; Leather, 81s, 6¢.; Russia, 78s, wy + e hy’ — ae Pe (A POR ey \ “he >

Price Sixpence. PRICE THREE PENCE. gp “PUNCH” CHRISTMAS NUMBER has now been reprinted, and is again to be had. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. SCTE) oe et el : -ssc4 a ae Tan Ys SE ea Sw A Rene PLE HV Ok eee lilin, veal

mmm, Nees | Cn | ys < ‘. 4 hee Na LAE ss 8 wh Eaeew of yy” = PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, a ee . LONDON. CHOCOLAT MENIER ou Registered at the General Post Uffice as a Newspaper.}

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemper 3, 1892. MESSRS. METHUEN’S LIST. BARRACK. -ROOM BALLADS; and Other Verses Saleen ait te | tals paper meh gen NOTE. — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by -. Spe . oe pound tm poset BROWN & POLSON in 1856; not till some time afterwards ade tram with imagination , they pal was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has end : tree icoa> ie one = ‘ee now an equal claim to the public confidence. - * tingle + iife, and if —— a ee ae a te = “ EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”— Lancet, June 15, 1889. a GRACE, , Pad, Nouns CONCENTRATED Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. For ie combination of Sigh ierary geass FOR TRAVELLERS, me arly style, unelected pathos, gentle cyniciem, DELICATE CHILDREN, feck to the must coleent of his proacccusers.”— WEAK DICESTIONS. Quanre Re .w 4 Re ITIOUS. PIERRE AND HIS PEOPLE.| aucious. AND - Hy seer Pasaee. Orown @ro, tex sy DICESTIBLE. Bet tT ok te alwaye effectively Tins, ls. 6d. and 2s. 6d., obtainable everywhere. . ab tion of part t wife via aca aaa ne | SAVORY & MOORE, on™ We strongly ree ommend every lover of a | freah an ont in ot ee notlica whieh nas | ' ~ aew ar vail of the first opportunity , wing * Pie and his People Paxemas s 7 me es happily conceived and finely executed There is strength and genius in Mr Parker » style Trisenar . Mernern a i "is, Bury Street, London, W.C. MR, HENTY'S NEW STORIES. B ary Story of the Reman Invasion With iy Cleth, 6 1% GRE “7 tions by WH beatin cente tiap. NON DEMNED LIST. A Story of Escape from Siberia « A ie Ry GO. A page lijustrations by W Panu London: BLACKIE & 8ON, Lewrren. NEW NOVELS AT THE LIBRARIES. Sa TOWER OF TADDEO. | ERIC THE BRITON. A EK WATERS: A AS A NIHI- Ky W ith * page Lilustrations by Wactea & FIRST—AND—FOREMOST. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR. BOURNEMOUTH. ROYAL BATH HOTEL joo m™ Sen treatage. Gre Gane teen Dee ben OXFORD. ~MITRE HOT ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIcay FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGoy with eee CORD WOVEN InTO CAMBRIC, TABLE KNIVES. CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. The GOLDSMITHS’ COMPANY invite | inspection of their immense stock of Novelties in DIAMOND ORNAMENTS, JEWEI- | | LERY, and SOLID SILVER, specially | suitable for Christmas Presents. Awarded | NEW LL ete as Ted ROOK J.& J. CASH, Coventry. CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. Nine Gold Medals, the only Gold Medal at | a a, Author of “ Under Two Fiags,” &c | the Paris Exhibition, iste, and the Cro Cross of of | MILWARDS’ CHILDREN 0 OF THE GHETTO. | ost Fre. “Goods forwarded to the Coury | NEEDLE CASES. Ga» : ° of The Old Maid'’s on approva os COLDSMITHS’ COMPANY | Insist on the name “MILWARD,” to A KNIGHT OF THE WHITE |_12, REGENT STREET, 'W. | _ word ae ip Piper Pipers Mil In 2 vols — Lendor We. Hermmewann, 2!, Bedford Street, W ( Miss Braddon’s Christmas Annual for 1892. Now Ready Profusely Llustrated. One Shilling THE MISLETOE BOUGH The Largest, th t paw ae most Popular ane of the Age , Lantd., and all Booksellers. HOWELL & JAMES, Ltd., 6, 7 & 9 REGENT ST., LONDON, THE NEW PATENT “Self-Closing” Bracelets, Mover Slip in Whatever Position Placed, London: Sirs & ( CLOSED “The Bracelet of the Future.” PRICES. in Gold .. Set with Gems With Watch centre a WAMIETY OF PATTERNS. 6s 0° “> HOOPING COUGH, CROUP. EMEROC ATION rate ee a. cure without istema Sole jennie Agents, W low ” use ia Street, Londen vet mis ’ a vtt arte —> 2 -, est Martic New \ort-Povecas @ Co, North William Street from £310 0 | “U.K "Tea Co. ‘s Teas are Enjoyed by Millions.” “UNITED KINGDOM TEA GOMPANY, » CENTLEMEN’S WICS. im Perfect Imitations of Mature. Weightiess.no wiggy appearance U Jnahrink kable Material. Instruc tions for self - measurement on application | | 4s 4 Limrrep. ses, OXFORD STKEET, Ww. DIRECTORS— eee S Leties r Terurr. a . Terie. 4.8 Tos. __ Send for | Mluctrate Catalogue i. Pim, Eeq., J Y. | Omtces : 21, MINCING LANE, LONDON, £.C. ] TEA Binet Oem BS IMPORTER to CONSUMER. ting a large Saving in Cost l-, “13, 1 16, 19, & 2/- a Ib. ] Used in the Hf Devivenep Cannice Par. of H.R.H. the Prince poms of the hest Families, in y Hosts of Cus satisfaction. of Wales, in the House of Commons, in the H the Largest ——" > and tomers, always with BEDFORD SAMPLES s FREE E JONG’S COCOA HYDRAULIC PRESSES. 2-oz. Sample Tins free and pestage paid on application to The Chief Depot of De Jong’ 4 Cocoa, 14-20, St. Mary Aze, London, E.C, INDIEN 222222 GRILLON. A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. of Appetite, Gastric and | E. GRILLON, 69, Queen Street, City, London. TAMAR IP Intestinal Troubles SOLD BY ALL CUEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2a. Gd. A BOX. | 2, Every Luxury & G Gmrori Most RecHereve Cuisine. = Merv Goorrate Aaner, CC l Sweet for C Antiseptic Compounds. Contains no Potash Crystals, solutions of which are dishonestly substituted. See the Bottle} ts like this f TAAPPE & COLDWE! Si, Guarrox Sr, Dem | — 2 -— &. SS ee Eg a a

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December 3, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 253 WH matical Class from Professor McGiasuan of St. Mungo's. But THE MAN 0 WOULD. SauNDERS was not daunted. He would write to one notable, inform- II.—THE MAN WHO WOULD GET ON. ing him that his grandmother had been at a parish school with the ‘‘T pREAMED,” said the Scotch Professor, ‘that I was struggling notable’s great uncle—on which ground of acquaintanceship he i ow 3 life with a monstrous reptile, whose scaly coils wound about would ask that the notable should at once get ae as Secre- a while the Ape my of kis es was lost in the distance. tary of a Geological Society, or as Inspector of Manufactories, or of At last managed to shake myself free, and setting my foot on his ‘Salmon Fisheries, or to a Commission on the Trade of Knife- neck, I was pre to cut his throat, when the animal looked up grinding. at me with an a expression, and said, ‘ At least you might, Another notable he would tell that he had once been pointed out give me a testimonial!’ ” ‘to him in « railway stati Gaseene Re wee conetnaes tom This professional nightmare (for the labours of a Seoteh instructor | his correspondent to ask his Publisher, to consist, to a great extent, in writing testimonials, or in evading re-| Zimes, and recommend him, Saunp quests for on). suggested to one of his audience the history of | editor, or Society Reporter. Nor did SaunpErs SAUNDERS McGnecon, the Man who would Get on. In oe, ¢ and vaeant Chairs. His testimonials went in for all of them. SauNDERS obtained an exhibition, @: bu: to the University ty ke ready and qualified to be _ dwety of Greek, Meta- St. Mungo’s. This success implied oe hh of sc ip, for | ey See Ganbey, . or the Use of the Globes, while the benefice was only open to sence vot surname of McGreeox, | criticism and Natural ild and the Christian-name of Saunpers. The provident parents of our hero, having accidentally become aware of this cireumstance, had offspring christened ny and thus secured, from the very first, i an for the « Bice At St. M ORDERS was mainly notable for a generous view of life, whie him ah look Soe of others as y Chris- postage- red “vailway fares. books, caps, gowns, similar trifles ; while hi his nature was so social, that he invariably dropped in to supe per with a oh or other of his com The accident o woe left alone for a few mo- ments in the study of our Examiner, where Saun- DERS deftly possessed Vi IV Y N \ N AA , if, himself of a tet of ec Yiijjjn ny WG (ime Ya ination-pa ena lif ; ZN him to Nake his degree y S N with an ease and bril- liance which very con- ZA siderably =" his ay SSS —vs . instructors. By adroitly l SS =. WA | \ using this g fortune ~ See SaUNDERS accum a pile of most ious wg} testimonials, and these he ed as the main- pring of success in life. had early discovered in himself a pombe anpacity for salaries, and e.. had py webetinded conceit ost in li tom norance, had ever made even a patease st of doing. he conceived himself to be fit for any post a salary ouergy, Bas nor the | . the profession ~ an agitator ; is attached. He had also really great as a crampon, or hanger- has not the grammar a he cannot ont on, and neglected no ity, while he made many, of securing | hair, and his manners t him for the of a shop-assist- useful acquaintances. us it was the custom ot college to ant, so that little is t the industry of the elect, at stated periods, a man of eminence as Rector. Saunpers Blackmailer. The : dewey in a Leper at once constituted himself secretary of a committee, and, without settlement, on is, however, vacant ; consulting his associates, wrote invitations to eminent ——— and, if the Plo ~ A 1 SAUNDERS has poets, painters, actors, ae clergymen, and other e much in is possible that the the public eye. In these effusions he poured forth innocent | Man who would Get ; , and relieve society enthusiasm of his heart, ex an admiration which might | from the burden of his i maging failure seem excessive to all but its objects. They, with the guilelessness of | in life of SaunpEns mature age and conscious merit, were ‘touched by Sauwpers’s think thant expressions of esteem, which they set down to hero-worship, anda! P.S.—This . fervent study of Mr. CaRtyLe’s works. Only one of the s that Mr. Sauwpers McGaercor, M. addressed, unluckily, ous be elected; but Saunpers added their the only and orphan daughter of - late ALister McF unovs, Esq. responses to his pile of testimonials, and frequently gave them good | of of Castle Fungus, Dreepdaily, N. the eminent introducer epistolary reason to remember his existence and his devotion. | remarkably improved processes in - ‘manufacture of Heel-ball. His earliest object was to become secretary to somebody or some- | thing, the Prime Minister, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, the | Society for the Protection of A ines, or Ancient Monuments, or, “‘ One Doww, r’ormer Come on !”—Mr. Horace Seporr has a even as Secretary to che Carlton o ! er felt he could do his — Donna su sea amare on tap. After two of them have retired talents justice in amy of these as ht be ped, from the in yr the lively Miss Arpa JEnovRE — — was the boy nd - or it na nay ooh m — — reas and "on A spall” with an excel. ae vate to Ministers, or ae a = —* sheet aula ‘on we goes - Clabs, are not invarial fiven to the fi to the fret who comes cee horeugtt in earnest, as her name implies, which along, even if he aby Junior Mathe- | sounds lik Gao and is: is written Miss Sr. Cyn. VOL. Ctl, z

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—— [Decemper 3, 1892.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 254

| | VS atahy ‘ar —-_

«<< \ Dw \ AY WY \ \ bal

\— THE FIGHT FOR THE STANDARD.

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| Decne 3, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mrs. M*Glasgie. YE KEN, THERE 's AYE A Somerurne!!” wianas | ‘HUD yuna ewan | A MERE DETAIL. Friend of the Family. “Weer, Mrs. M‘Giaserz, AND How's Your DAUGHTER Dorx’, THE ONE THAT WAS MARRIED A WHILE Ago!” “On, VARRA WEEL, THANK YE, Mr, Brown, VARRA WERL, INDEED ! SHE CANNA ABIDE HER Man, Bvt THexX, THE FIGHT FOR THE STANDARD. (Modern Monetary Version.) Twas the oto & Cie Knight downed his visor for the fight. All true champi ht in hard tussles. With his is yellow reared at his back, no foe he feared, And his gaze all comers queered, ere at Brussels. Like Sir Kenneth, only more so, he gupeaied a fine torse. His Standard —bold he swore so— Still supreme should flow and flaunt, ayine proses a should daunt. ted loudly. "Twas a very t vaunt. Now the Silver Knight had sworn—that the Standard solong borne By the Aureate , in scorn irredacible Should not solitary wave. He’d squabosh that champion brave, Or would find a torrid grave— In some crucible ! Such cremation he would dare if that Standard he might bear To the dust, and pecmes there one more Silvery For this Argent Kaigh t, Goren e, was right caehs could not fail, He was proud of his white mail, And his skill—very ! So here, Gentles, om behold that brave Knight in mail of Gold, Sworn uphold high and aureate ; And that blusterous tattb-bout, twixt those champions stern and Will fee. I have no doubt, neh next Laureate ! mp met he that Indian Prince sallow more than Yank Knights-Errant ma Will alternate swell bs a as they The young Scottish Knight Batrovr (who our) Hops the Silver Knight may score, By some juggle. But in spite of Yank and Sect, and the Bimetallic lot, They who’re fly to what is what, back the Gold ‘un. And did I bet—for fun—ere this Standard fight is done, I should plank my ten to one On the Old’Un! SUN-SPOTS. Foe, haze, p amaiae @ or elend, almost iment dally enshroud Metropolis And day after da te briefly ~— * Bright 4 at reports briefly say, ‘a Yes, none | O Sol, not a ray ; no, not one! The dere 3 i cine Are discernible now on Have these heat or light, 20 that weather-wise write, ** Bright at bates yo seal O Sol, what have you been and Pee Have these sun- pete incoeaeed F We know London, at least, connected Isa un with sun ; All day we burn gas the report is, elas! * Bright ht sunshine at Westminster— lain O Sol, you old son of a gun! LADY GAY’S SELECTION. Dear ot Poycn Ia of being though, ust mation of fat it was Tho slated umerous sweet young things su or m during fenees when Tamme ** the parti tbe on this point I — a ee “In spite of the old Welsh px erb, ** Oh. us,” &e. &e., I was a “ resting on our oars” for a time—(that is literally true, ~~ oo uaiey has been mostly under water en Gay wl we shall shortly have a cut-in at steeplechasing > hes, ay will doubtless have some new experiences to relate ; meanwhile, allow me to sub- scribe mayoelf—{I like to subscribe to a )—Yours explanatorily, (Lord) Axtuvur FLEeetwoop.

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Pe ted

256 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempzr 3, 1892.

ALL ROUND THE FAIR, No, III. Iw toe “ Fore Ant” Exurerrion. | Rustic Art Patrons discovered applying their eyes to peepholes, through which a motley collection of coloured lithographs of the Crimean Campaign, faded stereoscoprc-riews, Seri, ural engrav- ings, and daubed woodcuts from the ‘’ Illustrated lies News,” | ts arranged for their inspection. First Art Patron (waiting for his turn at the first ene? tot alive theer, Gr-arer, ain’t ye done —— at ’un yet | Ge-arge (a local hamerteh.” Tis a rare old novelty, Bex, th’ latest | from London, and naw mistake f grand alt the peephole). Wh | Ben with disappornt ment, as 8 to t “he | "tain’t on’y Apam an’ Eve afoor th’ Fall! pw Fe = e. 80 —— | noo, as J can see— Lar dear, they’re a settin’ nekked lion, and a sad" sfter the Fall (At the next hole Abaw and Eve are - presented “A t ’ overwhelmed with confusion, w t hon ts ecandakised, witha | ire expression of moral indignation. ) they are on lion thinks ns played to wineEres =— Hy | Ge- ~arge "from a t peep say. Ben, ’ere’s Mrs. PEARCEY a murderin’ Mes, ‘Ooo down this ’un—we'’re a-gittin’ a omg Ben ( puszled). They must ha’ skipped out a deal. I’m on’y at Cary killin’ Apex!” Female Patron (to Proprietor). Ere, Master, I can’t see nothen’ down ’ere—'tis all dark like! Proprietor. Let me ’ave a look! You shud put your ‘ands so, each side o’ your eyes, and——( He looks.) ’Um, it is ra ther but what else do yer expeck? It’sa * View o' Paris by Night,” ain’t it—that’s all right ! Ovrsipe “‘ Proressor Pueman’s SPaRRine SaLoon,” The Professor (on a little platform, with a pair o if Pupils). Now then, all you as are lovers o the Noble and Man! Art o’ Self- Defence, step inside and see it illusterated in a scientific an’ fust-class manner! This introducing first Pupil, who rubs his nose with dignity) is’OrrEr of ‘Olloway ~ be 7 coming nine-stun Champion. This Barrers o’ Bermondsey, open to fight a ay lad in England at eight- stun four. s there anyone among you willing to ave a round or two with either on "em fur a drink an’ admission free ?—if so, now's his time to step forward—there’s no waiting, mind yer?’ Joe (ta Melia). I b' lieve as ’ow I could tackle the little ’un—I used to box above a bit. Melia. Don't ye now, Jor ; you "ll on’y go and git sane ‘urt or summat ! Joe. I shan’t git’urt. ‘Ere, Master, I’m game fur to put on the loves wT "im, Prof. Git inside with yer then! (70 Crowd.) Now then for the Great Glove Contest—Just goin’ inside | to . “ -y =a Joe (gruffly) - Neelly over ! why, we Sonithieas giniientadets wi’ all this b ’ palaverin’ Melia. I do wish "twas over—Kip a good ’art, Jon; don’t let ’ un go Knee eoih.o clight decrease Theer’ talk | oe (witha to I dean’t reckon as’ ‘ow bell bal wee a rounds doan’t, but if I'd s-know’d thare 'd be all this messin’ chou! | I’d a— (He goes gloomily.

“ Theer they are! Oh my, what a pictur’ !”’ pour into

Iystpe THE SparRine SaLoon. ‘The Rpssetore a are waiting patiently around the ropes ; the Professor ts still on the platform, yoy tp on the coming contest. Jor has found a friend whom he has entrusted with his hat and coat Joe (to the Friend). Jest ki powere.ce Shes ere, will ye! ne Sale Sin 0 hae eee: Prof. (calling a, Fur a time, come outside and show yerselves, all on yer! You got to go out agin, Jon, better putt on yer coat an’ ’at, not to ketch cold! Joe. Ah, and I'll ave to ’ave a on agen, too. ng He gots into his t in a great fl hastens outside.) h sta tod Te pa et ae [More eeiestations Som , until the last Spectator has been induced Nts yoo yaa P. (acting on the hang mekeeper), Row ‘then, all ready ? te Jon ro ing as pos re o Jox. In you go—What are yer waitin ever mind takin’ ot tT ' an Batrers o’ Ber- aS; is agoin "to fight three rounds with a , one o’ your own men. What- td» tag between ’em (solemnly), pass no remarks! Time! (Joz and “‘ Barrens o’ Bermondsey” walk round each other and make a fumbling attempt to shake hands eraiibe oat extreme caution and deliberation, is sur- prised by a smart smack on has cheek, which makes him ; he recovers himself and prances on Batrers with a windmill action. Batters (limping into his corner), ’Ere, | ony C4, man—moind my tows—foight at yer ri Joe (a tic ally). I didn’t mean nothing or toarnted fur to take off them ’ere boots—but I warn’t let! Batters. I'll let ye—fur ’taint no corpet slippers as you’ye got on, ole feller, I tell yer strite! [Jo removes the offending boots. Spectators (during the second round, which is fought with more spirit than science on Jor’ re, Ah, Jog ain’t no match for ’un—he ave it then, didn’t he ? My word! but it’s “*Go “ome an’ tell yer Mother, an’ ax yer Uncle ’ow ye be” with ’un, pretty near every time! Pe (with Pend rapture). Oh dear! Oh | What doins! Time! you two, pr wll a kill one another! Now, Gentle- men, a good clap, to encourage ’em. I think you'll agree as the Volunteer is showin’ you good sport; and, if you think him de- servin’ of a drink, p’raps one o’ you will oblige with the loan of a ’at, which he ’ll now take round. (The hat is procured, and offered to Jon, who, however, prefers that e collection should be pay deputy.) Don’ t forgit ’im, Gentlemen! (Coppers the hat, and the last round is At ; B. of B. ducking Jon’s blows with great agility, and planting his own freely in varwus wee of Jor’s anatom Spectators. 'P'll be knocked out in a minnit, ’e will! Don’t sim to git near ’un no ’ow. Look a’ that— aed’ ther gia _" Jor got one in that time—but the tother ’s the better man—’e don’t touch ‘un without ’sétin’ of ’un—d’ye see? Time! Ah, and time it was time, too—fur ’im ! Prof. (to Jon, as he sits blinking. nd blowing his nose with vigour). That was a jolly good fight--tho’ rough. You’ve some notion 0’ sparrin’ —we’d soon make a boxer 0’ Eee 's yew’ aT ng gr gy A fight as ronda a stranger. pe f figh = ng AR PAL By. our lads, fur ten — futile attempt to untie his e with his teeth). a ane sf but Ive ad ete soe spree a’ready to me fur a Prof. Are there any two friends in ere as ‘ud like to fight * (atin sep foraard ean tall rk man ond

the usual preliminaries, square up at a safe distance.

r .. | ae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Decemper 3, 1892.} Spectators (to the tall man). Why don’t ye up to ’un, Jim? Use yer t’anda bit! (Zo a gene Lat oat on *un, Tom! om, thus ex blow on Jim’s eye. Jim (suddenly ducking under the rope in great ). "Twas a cowardly blow! YT didn’ stan’ up to be ’it in th’ fa-ace i’ that way ; Ira ad enaat of i d fcht out, (eothingty.) Wh Tom e and fight it ou y-) y, ye come at me like a thunderin’ great ion, ye Jim (putting on his hat and coat gawin’ to hev naw moor on t fall” Prof. Don’t be ’ard on 'im, Gents; it ain’t ’is fault if 's on'y bin used to box with bolsters, and as he ain’t goin’ to finish ’ rounds, it’s all over for this time, and I ’ope you ‘ge all satiafied with what you ’ve seen. 1M ae ) ccmeiamaas swindle. I come ’ere to pe some sparrin’ Prof. Step inside the . Lei-on or noan, I ain’t then, and J’ soon show yg some ! dectined. This invitation is ) Well, in, Hear me dae youll do it pei’ dows, deen, like lo Jun baowm, in ‘arf a sec., I can er! [The Malcontent ‘departs peste deianrediinw Surther obser- vations until he is out of hearing. Melia (to Jox). Lor, I wish ‘Tow I'd ‘boon thers to ste. 79; I do ‘ope ye weren't too rough with ’un, h, Jox. What shall we do next ?—ave a turn on swings, or back circus, or the giddy- ap netndtm what? (Jox shakes his head.) Why won't Jor? Joe (driven to candour). Why ?— cause it ’ud be throwin’ away money, seein’ I’ye ‘em all goin’ on inside o’ me at once as ’tis, if ye want to know! feel a deal more like settin’ down quiet a bit, ] do, if I eud find a place. Melia (with an inspiration). Then let's go and ’ave our likenesses took ! m [She cannot understand why Jo should be so needlessly in- opportune a suggestion. ye, censed at so innocent a |THE “BEST EVIDENCE”—HOW NOT TO GET IT. | Have been summoned to attend as a Witness in the trial of the six roughs who first dru and then sa y ill-treated a foolishly convivial citizen in itechapel. Don’t knowif it was wise of me to tell the Police that I could identify the men. Since my evidence _ before the Magistrate came out, I have had thirty-seven | letters, » my } yendews Sos have beset broken covered — over, an a valuable poison’ tic duty to ** assist the course of Justice ;” a no ” Joubt I ey pee So this is the ‘Central Criminal Court,”’ fei it? Pd hardly have believed it possible. Outside mean and dirt Wy. to Usher. Usher most Interior, meaner and much dirtier. Speak polite. Glad, that at any rate. they do know how to treat im t Witnesses. Am assured I shall have a seat ‘close to.the udge.” Produce my witness-summons. Demeanour of Usher suddenly changes. 1 shall haye'to gé tothe ‘* Witnesses’ Waiting-room in the old Court.” Where’s that? He doesn’t know. I'd better ask a Policeman. It now flashes across me that Usher mistook me for a wealthy, and probably generous spectator, and ht when I was fumbling in my Depeeeae for — summons, I was | g for half-a- crown for him ! Policeman leaves me in * ‘iar, draughty ee tak ope a Aang je on | eac h side, ** Bat where i is t hy waiting-room ? , ’ This is the waiting-roous,™ e More like the ohh f Hols. Was it wise of me to give aiornecen to the Police ? Two Days later.—They crammed forty Witnesses inte thes passage No seats for half of them. We had one chair, and Usher tok took it away “‘as a lady wanted it in Court.” Lady po oaks © | did she hunt in her pocket for half-a-crown ? rank days in od gay mk have just given my evidence in fearful col — owing to the draught. Ordered by Judi , oral, to .” Consci a wretched object. Jury regarded Severely aa Mentioned to Judge about my being smashed, &e.; could I receive jo bg for it? Oh, dear no,” replied the Judge ; ** we never ” Amusement in Court—at my expense. In fact, the poet. of Fastin seems to be al er at my expense. pon AR a fever. Ace ee letters, Tr infor pee to says | am in for berormersA w bronchitis, he thinks. Tells me I am thoroug mr fay x down, and asks | trious me, te eee to this state?” I area-steps. reply thaty “I have hee pee the course of Justice.” Doctor sh: 8 his shoulders, and hee Bie aeeeey ee nen et you ! agree with Doctor ok ae uite certain now that I coms nhotnnte o tell Police that 1 If OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. My Baronite has been Sine, Sed indent. (Brackwoop,) “It is,” he te , ‘a Novel with a purpose— no recommendation for a Ae — im more especially when the pur- that of demonstrating the indispensability of ily Grawam Travers, as the author (being herself, is lured from her fell Affection's Offering—from Alfred the Second to Dear George the First. To Mr. J. Fisoer Unwiy comes the ha Lo og te iseaing. in a neatly-packed box, the whole twenty eddeses Library—and a very acceptable Christmas-Box it will make. ae with their odd, oblotig sliape. are delightful to hold ; the is good, and the excellenée of the literary matter is remarkably a kept up over the already long series. Mr. thee im ary fresh volumes, introducing to the British public Finnish Danish authors, or Danish first, and the others to Finnish. See how these Poets love one another! How touching is the | | dedication of ALFRED Austin's latest volume to Grorog Menepirn ! May both live long and prosper, hearty wish of their friend, he a oe Barow De Boox-Worms. THE ROYAL ROAD TO COMFORT.—A Daram. Tue rival Steamboats were on the alert. It was 6 Seer sight, Vessel. followed by the Red, te Guay macy a the same time Then there confusion widently the Illus- teious Fant cosed cobehed The Then the mist cleared “ ite tnente'e board,” eaid the of the Bl ote Venn and his ind in a short laugh ~ - " eS Ng plang ey me A ; “the Blue may have his person, but we have of And then the Bo sn

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ee (Decemazn 3, 1892, | WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. He TRAVELS ALL OVER ENGLAND IN SEARCH OF A BACKGROUND For HIs “ Vivian BeouiLing Mertin inv rue Forest oF BROCELIANDE,”—A HOPELESS Quest! BOGEY OR BENEFACTOR? Timid Ratepayer loqustur :— O vor! O dear! What have we here? What 4 nondescript, huge Nrp-Noppr ! None know, I’m sure, what J have toendure. It’s enough to frighten a body ! They are always up to some queer new game, and a giving me ome fresh master; But this one is a crur from the sole of his foot to the crown of his comical castor. He looks as big as all out-of-doors, and e’en Bomee was hardly as bumptious. He'd make ~ pm, London o ise, which is & prospect s scrumptious. But oh! he is big, Se oe the Coa gro a Titan who, if he should tumble, Might squelch me as flat as an opera-hat, and make me regret old BumBie, Noodledom ruled me for man years ; Cs ut asa ma as a what a colossal Chimera ? about I don’t say he ’s that, but with body of goat, dragon’s and the head of a lion, A creature were hardly more “‘ mixed”’ than this monster, whose rule for the time I must try on. conglomerate complex, Jeck-of-all- | een Trades!’ Well’ I trust he'll be master of some of them ! Largo al factotum! He's game for all tasks, and—I wish I was sure what would come | Re o em A | Most, representative? Palpable that! And most subli h ) are Bat he he tok just > mele S aadeee as the image of Nebuc ar. The elephant rae cus vast np 0 hago oak, or Less ssuteiens aout sal cI it be, of much it ma o course, that the ag 2 distract him ee —* There are evils to cure, and of room for improvement there’s plenty ; And all must it that, whatever faults, he cannot be called far niente. He does look a bit of a Bogey, but then he may prove just a big Benefactor And if he shoul Fem eta Ge tion, and kiek out the kna Without piling Pelion on Ossa } rates) on av back, till my legs with ** tot I shall rt tees Rtg se cent, not a big, blundering Bottle-Imp! is Orgra-corr’s Diarr.— Otello = Otello Company, Limited) = last ma GIANINI a stout ee AT A RINK, Rovunp and round, and to and fro At a rink, Pretty girls, with cheeks that glow Graceful, gleeful, elidng fo liek Arms together, like the flow Past its brink Of a river’s eddy—so Duffers think They can glide. Shyly shrink, Bessel lost bis ent be Se, Sheepish slink, Skates on unaccustomed toe Strangely clink, Hot and thirsty he will grow, | Long for All around amusement show, Laugh and wink, But syle kai Oe Or as It he fell against them. CA, On the floor, not soft but low, See him sink ! ** Blow rink!” Whilst he murmurs enti, See one start slow, Loetcat ann Enouye-1ovs.—Why object (though h we do} the do) to Advertisements of all otive goes, there is the very sorts way lines? Surely, wherever place

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—— ————————X—XXX PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemssr 3, 1892. ta S\ Pe. ms * S mame | We | BOGEY OR BENEFACTOR ? L.C.C. “HA, HA! YOU MUST LEARN TO LOVE ME'.”

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i t *

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— Decemper 3, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261 —— — CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. Tue Smoxrme-Room. ( With which is incorporated *‘ Anecdotes.”) Ler us imagine, if you please, that the toils and trampings of the day are over. You are stayi friends whom you like. You have had a day at your host's pheasants and his rabbits. Your shooting has been fairly accurate, not ostentatiously brilliant, but on the whole satisfactory. You have followed out the hints given in my previous Chapters, and are con- sequently looked upon as a pleasant fellow, with plenty to say for | himself. After tea, in the L Mba | drawing-room, you have had an hour or two for the at a comfortable country-house with | the little hero of insignificant adventures, and to relate them whole world in every dull il, regardless of the right of other men to get an occasional word in edgewise—these are the true marks of the genuine bore. He must know that you take no interest in him or his story. Even if you did, his manner of telling it would flatten you, yet he fascinates you with that Cony sane, self-conscious and self-admiring smirk, and distils his tale into your ears at the wer moment when you are burning to talk over old College-days | with Casters, or to discuss an article in the Field with Suapracx. I remember once finding myself, b7 some freak of mocking destiny, in a house in which two bores had established fortified camps. On the first night, we all became so dazed with intolerable dulness, that Stee" our powers of resistance f away to the vanish- writing of letters, which you have of course not written, for the reading of the morning from London which you have skimmed with a faint inte- | rest, amd for the forty or | eighty or one hundred and | twenty winks in an arm- | chair in front of the fire, which are by no means the least pleasant and com- forting incident in the day’s ae You have ressed for dinner in good time; you have tied your white tie successfully “* in once;”’ you have taken in |a charming girl (Rose Larkine, let us say) to dinner. The dinner itself | has been good, the drawing- | room interlude after dinner has been pleasantly varied | with musie, and the ladies have, with the tact for which they are sometimes | distinguished, retired early | to -rooms, where it is | believed they spend hours in the combing of i boonies nile, and . interchange of gossip. You are in high spirits. You think, indeed you are sure (and again, on thinking it well over, not quite sosure), a ——_ Rose 00) indly upon you as | she said good-night, and allowed her pretty little hand to linger in your own while you assured her that to-morrow you would get for her the pinion-feather of a woodeock, or die in the attempt. You are now arrayed in your smoking- coat (the b k with the red silk-facings), and your velvet slippers with oat SA = \N. 4 ww Saray = Se YS \ a in a bi y present from your sister. All the rest are, each after his own fashion, similarly attired, QUITE UNPARDONABLE. Assistant (in his most insinuating manner), “ Ix your cast, Mapam, | sHovLp CERTAINLY ConsipER Fast Cotoves Most svrrastz.” RESULT! ing nt. Both bores eallied ont from their ram- , and Ted, each his tale of captives back with hi : and of im, So next day, when the accus- tomed train Of things grew round our sense of Smaprack, was of the , that we should vour by some means or other to bring the two bores, as it were, face to face in a kind of boring -competition in the smoking-room that very night, to engage them in warfare against one ano- ther and ourselves to sit exeerably during the day. is - siete ki nai ort i skirmish, from Phich Snaprack the hussar extricated us with but little loss, that which — and the whole male party ‘ is gathered ther in the smoking-room. There you sit and smoke and chat until the witching hour of night, when everybody yawns and grave inet, Sawa Gs Oty, ye upto Caer Sees, pe Now, sinee you are an unassuming youngster, and anxious to learn, you ask me b!y, how you are dh Nome yourself in this ——— assembly, t you are to speak about, and how? The chief thi I answer, is not to be a bore. It is so easy not to be a bore if y you give a little thought to it. Nobody wants tobea bore. I cannot imagine men. hea length and struggle is indelibly burnt into my brain. Even at this distance of time, I can remember how we all looked on, silent, awestruck, fascinated, as the dreadful fight proceeded to its inevitable close. Yor the benefit of others, me attempt to describe it in the appropriate language of the Ring. Great Ficut Berweew THe Kewtisn PRrosen AND. THE Hampsnine DULLagD. Round I.—Both men advanced, confident, ing for an i Proser but cautious.

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one PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Decemezr 3, 1892. yen uN MAN : . THE SERPENT’S TOOTH. “Drow'r I sewp ‘tw To Heron an’ Hoxronp! Drpn'r I sewp ’m™ into THs Hany, ALONG © somME oO’ THE BIGGEST Nops in alt HENGLAND, WITH AN ALLOWANCE FIT FOR A youne Heart! AND WHAT'S THE HUPSHOT OF IT ALL?! Wuy, He Gives Dinners To! ; Dooxs AND Rovat ‘lonwesses, AN’ DON'T EVEN HARSK ‘IS PORE OLD FATHER TO MEET 'EM. "louwesses, INDEED! I COULD BUY UP THE "OLB BLESSED Lor! WOULDN'T MIND TELLIN ‘gM so TO THEIR Faces, FoR Two Pins!—AH! JU8T AS 800N AS LOOK AT ‘EM—AND 'B Kwows rr!” Anp, wHar's mong, I\; at 250 yards, but the Hy fell short, and he bey fairly staggered A two in succession * the tree-climbing rabbit,” and “* the Mar- pe. of DvuLurreip’s gaiters’’), delivered straight on the mouth. First blood for Pullard. After some hard exchanges they closed, and fell, the Dullard underneath. Round II.— Both blowing a good deal. | The Proser put up his Dukes, and let fly with both of them, one after another, at the Dullard’s econk, drawing claret profusely. Nothing daunted, the Dullard watched his opportunity, and "delivered a first-class Royal Prince on the Proser’s right eye, half closing that optic. The men now closed, but broke | away again almost directly. Some smart fibbing, in which neither could claim an advantage, ensued. The round was; b ht to a close by some rapid exchanges, a after which the Proser went down. Betting 6 to 4 on the Dullard. Round ITI., and last. — Proser's right | peeper badly swollen, the Dullard gory, and a bit groggy, but stillsmiling. Proser opened | ? which did great execution, | with a ricoc | but was countered heavily when he at-| bat knocking him off his legs with a fifty-| pound salmon. After some slight tn em a they began a hammer-and-tongs game, which Proser coeal heavily. Dulla ok ever, pulled himself ther for a final rush. They met in the mi of the ring, rise, the fight was drawn. Both men were heavily —-, and were carried away with their jaws broken. There you have the story. The actual result was that these two ponderous bores all but did one another to death. So exhausted were they by the terrible conflict, that our comfort was -i disturbed by them but a this partic visit. We were iucky, tho at first we ceneny ow it, in getting two ate matched iron bores If we had had only one, the matter would have been far more difficult. Undecided. Gooser, Goose, U With whom ou wander, With the English with the French ? Or with King Mwawoa? Apvice Gratis (by a Bill Poster). —* vest all your savings in hoardings.” THE COMPLIMENT OF COIN. (An Extract from Mr. Punch’s Purely Imaginary Conversations. ) Scene—JInterior of a Palace. Emperor and Empress discovered discussing the former's tour in foreign parts. E or (finishing a good ). So after I had 4 io pad off rt de te thanuanl teeione the 2 wenen 0 aete Sn. See Empress (smiling). V — a a ex — a oF Surel ou Seoul —~ and ‘milk for 4 y oe Of course I ‘could ! But 4 then, don’t you en ont, 12 mado ons ‘popular. It’s in way, beund in velvet = real gold clasps) in your _ Ma into it ? - on (date) I don’t a a will f “it po na interesting. ph Tm fh oo mpress 2 con- tents) Dear me! "Shy the the total amounts to £15,000! I see it’s put in ; Paves teuble. When [ am travelling I get all coinage save that of Mother’s Fatherland. Empress. But surely £15,000 is a lot to ex upon extras? yee te ie yd hate let of inns to be -— ro epog Emperor ( Rtly No, I think that’s all right. You see, Kes fellow, after he had cleaned my ‘boots, sud me, in ttle eles tor eh Bere ena littl asked me for a kite. Was obliged to give each a bundle of tenners. It would have and pet Tyg gel ey Eh h. the both fell heavily. As neither was able to there, I told you you wouldn't find the book at all interesting. If you will pass it to me, I will lock it up. Empress. Oh, certainly, dear. (Gives up volume.) And now, darli ng, I am going to ask youa favour. You never saw such a pet of a coronet as they have at Von ——’s. ow I want oe fe be it for , aon’. mperor rrassed) - ren On tat ening i age 4 impress ut it is simply charming. Rubies round th a cross of nats and emandiie, ‘and, really, so cheap. only want £100,000 for it! mperor. Very nice indeed ; but just at this moment it would be « a little inconvenient to uce 80 mpremn, Latge, cum! Why, the rubies alenoase west alt e money. nearer. Tea, I know, duce And now | = Pefre pleasure Se duty, my love, comes ore you soon. [ Bast , to F meee @ review. In the meanwhile, remains in the jeweller’s pm me Gort.

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Decemper 3, 1892.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI OT KER Y on), ~~} . 3 ; :

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ow 264 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [Decemper 3, 18¥z. ———_| AN EVENING FROM HOME. Trere used to a daily—and it may be appearing daily now for aught 1 know, only, speaking on oath, I haven't lately noticed it—a question sn by Everybody in General, \ or by Nobody in Particu- - _— lar to Everybody Else, | AMPS - OB SONATOR which took this form: > TIENT “Wh hall dine a FRASCATIENSIS~ oy ere 8 we a s to-day?” I forget what the answer was, but, as a rule, the domesticated man, with a good cook in his own kitchen, could answer it off- hand by saying to him- / self, *** Where shall we v @® dine to-day?’ Why, at \ home, of course — where __ ge) dvetter ?—and catch me - moving out afterwards.” But, if he were contem- plating the unpleasant certainty of having post- dislly to leave his earth and home in order to visit A, a opera, or conce en it might occur to him that he could do the thing well, and give his mer a novel treat, if, in Frene fashion, he took them ——> to ga. re- vious to doing their play Thus it occurred to fon truly, Y T1-Buiivs Brs- ULUs, a day or two ago, when, dressed in “fi. classical evening Togaryii in a Currus Pulcher (with a Cursor alongside antici- pating denaru, and risk- ing the sharp rebuke of a probable Cursor inside the vehicle) he was - ing the Oxford Music Hall, and a brightly decorated Restauration caught his observant eye. Was it new, or was it a Restauration restored? Its name, in large letters, ‘* Faascati.” This seemed at once to lend itself toa familiar jingle, and I found myself humming,— Oh, did you never hear of Frascati ? "Tis not far from Rome, eh my hearty ? The place looks so fine, I wih there go and dine, And I'll bring with me all of my party! Horatian inspiration! I like to find out a new dining-place. Years ago, by the merest accident sailing north, I discovered the Holborn, and, since then, how many have not blessed the Colum- bus Holbornius? I do not ask how many Aare done so, ‘* That is another story.” Since then, the taste for dining domestically away from home has come considerably into fashion. The Ladies like it, and the Law allows it. (Quotation from Merchant of Venice adapted to occasion—Kestaurant edition— Portia for two.) It isa cheerful change, it assists the circulation of coin, it is an aid to the “Our Hamp-phitryon.” solution of the problems of Bimetallism, it rejuvenesces the home- | fire-sider, it developes ideas, restores the balance of temper ; and, if only the dinner be good, everybody goes away delighted,—guests are satisfied, the host is pleased, the waiter smiles on the tipper, the tipper on the manager, the m on the proprietor, and all is Joy and Junketing! Judge my surprise, when to me, TIBULLUs, entering Fraseati, and as Cicerone, informing my friends (all eager and hungry, and therefore unwilling to dispute) how Frascati was the ancient Tuseulum, a well-known face appears welcoming us with smiles. It is Signor Hampi, better known as Mr. Hamp of Holborn. ‘ Salve!” quoth I, as Trsuttos. *‘* The same to you, Sir,” responds Hamrres, “Now,” said my friend Waaestarrivs, without whom no party is complete, ** Now we shall be Hamp-ly satisfied.” he arrangement of the Frascati is a novelty ; it is all so open and, though there are plenty of stuffers about, not in the least stuffy. It would take a considerable crowd to overcrowd the place and to de- moralise the troops of well-disciplined waiters, all under the eye of the ever-vigilant generalissimo of the forces, who in his white waist- coat, black tie, and froek-coat of most decided cut and uncompro- mising character—there is much in a frock-coat and something too in -| change has come over the wearing of it—is here, there, and everywhere, and only waiting till the last moment, and the right one, when the banquet is ended, to give the word of command, ‘* Charge !"—and the charge (decidedly moderate and previously named in the carte du ‘our) is received with satisfaction and defrayed with delight. I have only one suggestion to make, and that affects the music not the meal. Let the music be adapted to the dishes; and not only should the course of time be considered as it eons, but also the time of the course. For example,—who that hasan ear for musi + Tange ym hy ~) Se ing a mad galop ere , very pianissimo for the hors d@’ewvres: something gentle and soothing for the oysters; there can be an indication of heartiness in the melody that ushers in the soup, as though giving it a warm wel- come. There should be a mincing minuet-like movement for the entreés, a sparkling air for the champagne, and something robust for the joint. A sporting tune for the game: sweet melody for the sweets, and a grand and grateful Chorale—a kind of thanksgiving service as it were—when the last crumb and the last bit of cheese have been swept away. ‘ ‘ After this to The Pavilion, in plenty of time to hear the ubiqui- tous ALBERT CHEVALIER singing his celebrated coster-songs. Signor Costa was a well-known name in the musical world some years ago ; Cevatrer Coster is about the best-known now. These ditties are uncommonly telling; the music is so catching and s0 reall good. Then his singing little Nipper ‘‘ on’y so ‘igh, that’s all, has in it that touch of nature which makes P he drop the silent tear and pretend you are blowing your nose. Capital entertainment at the Pay.” Ingress and egress is net difficult, and the place doesn’t become inconveniently hot. The sweet singer with the poetic name of Herpext CamPsett is very funny; which indeed he would be, even if he never opened his mouth. Such a low comedian’s ‘‘ mug!’ But of all the y things to be seen in its perfection here (I have seen it fn men and was not so struck by it) is the Skirt Dance. It is ‘real elegant,’’ graceful, and picturesque. What a the Music-hall enter- tainment since—since —** since even J was a boy!” says the Acting Manager, Mr. Epwarp SwaNBOROUGH,—ever- green in the true sense of the word. A vast improvement, no doubt of it. But, with such good amusement for the public, why on earth do the Music- Halls want to do “ Dramatic Sketches’’? And, if they do them, then, judging by what I saw at the ** Pav,’ I am fain to ask again, why, in the name of SHAKSPEARE, and the musical glasses, should the theatres object ? Joes anyone seri- ously think that Othello or King Lear is wanted at the Music- Halls, or that Suent- DAN’Ss School for Scan- dal wouldn’t empty any Music-Hall of its patrons? It is the ** variety”? which is the charm of the Musie-hall show, and if any one part of the variety show is a bit too long—longer let us say, than the time it hth ‘of » fairesaed eighth of a fair-si “Up I came with my little let)” its comsthint utaisiion te : te—th PR ‘will prety a glass of something i taste —then ience wi plainly express what they understand by Variety, what they ha dto see, and what oy mean to have for their money ; and if they ion’t get it there, they’ somewhere else where it will be given them. The summing-up, tlemen, is ty NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Dra accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed im me case be returned, not even when or Pictures of any description, will Cover, or Wrapper, To this rule | Cu The fin Ove A) I sole I U

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dscemagn 3, 1892. YY [a Wi MY Wy 4, Yi, CADBURY'S ‘COCOA “The Typical Cocoa of English NO CHEMICALS USED manufacture—Absolutely Pure.” The Analyst. (As in the so-called Pure Foreign Cocoas) Cea Ee nena ee ee ee ere ee eas. ca Vass cutest, te the Peoleh of BL Beton’ Chay of Lontons-horenne’, Deommber Mi EVERY SATURDAY. PUBLISHED