Punch 1892-10-29: Vol 103 Iss 2677

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BALLADS from “PUNCH,” Embellished with 105 Pictures from “Mr. Puncn’s” GALLERY, will be veady October 31st. Demy 4fo. ) a - -_ - 4 z ~ D 7 m . m o a y m z z ® o - m y ; 2 ») os CIII. —_—_o— OCTOBER 29, = Je ti i a = fi oF: Us a ig mY us > +e y PUNCH —_— 85, — STREET, LONDON. ‘CADB URYS COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. NO CHEMICALS USED. aE TORS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocrozzr 29, 1892.

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2 eS 3 TT. Ocronmr 29, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 193 ——_ IMPRESSIONS OF “IL. TROVATORE.” (By a Matter-of-Fact Philistine at Covent Garden. ) Act I. Scene 2.— Leonora’s confidant evidently alive to the responsibilities of her position. Watch her, for example, when her Mistress is about to confide to her ear the dawn of her passion for Manrico. She walks Leonora gently down to the f - launches her into her solo, boat, and stands aside left, a little behind, with hension, lest she goes Fr the right, until her superior has com: her confidences, and it is time to Operatic confi- ie—but a more carry tar, or a lute, or something? f Manrico has one, he invariably leaves it outside. Probabl doesn’t see why, with v ¥ ~ | Manrico, a rather full-blown “ Ghost in Hamlet.”’ the ini ; | as soon as swords are drawn? Tantalising to have the duels and fighting done during the entr’ actes. | Act IL. Scene 1.—Asucena insists on telling Manrico a long and rather improbable story of how, in a fit of a ion, she once burnt her own son in mistake for the Conte di Luna's. | Manrico listens, asa matter of filial duty—because, after all, she is his mother —but | he is clearly of opinion that these painful family reminiscences are far better forgotten. Perhaps he suspects that her anguish may be due to a severe fit of indigestion—the symptoms of which are almost indistinguishable from those of operatic remorse. At all events, he does not find his parent a cheerful companion, and, as soon as he | finds a decent excuse for escape, takes it. | Scenz 2.—The Cloisters of a Convent. Enter the Conte di Luna, | with followers, to abduct Leonora, The followers range against a wall in the back- ground, until the Count has finished * Ji Balen.” If their opinion was asked, or rae avour rather less noise about it, if he y means i —but of course it is not their place to interfere. Leonora enters to take the veil, with 4 they pages ?—in — tights, tapers. Count and his followers are ‘ evidently a little takenaback —an abduction not quite so simple an affair as expected. While they are working themselves up to it, anrivo @& , as the stage-direction says, “‘like a phantom.” Ina helmet, with a horsehair tail, and a large white cloak, he does . Hi. ae nly i ae + et or, “ My pretty Chain!”’ is, meet tims sey Count, under the impression that he is an apparition from some other Opera, allows him to walk off with Leonora under his very nose. —— are drawn—with the usual result of bringing down the urtain, Act IIT, Scene 1.—Soldiers discovered carousing, as wildly as is Possible om four gilded cruets, and a dozen goblets. Azucena is ; apt ery at henigy y 80 ty prema Dh og oF ame iret brought before the Count, and manacled. Operatic handcuffs —a most humane contrivance—with long links, to permit of the freest facilities for entreaty and imprecation. Soldiers, who have been to arms. but stayed, from a natural curiosity to hear what the Conte di Luna had to say to the Gipsy, go off, as she is led away to prison, with a sense that they have seen ail there is to be seen, and a vague recollection that there is some fighting to be done somewhere. Scene 2.—Zeonora and Manrico are about to be married ; every- thing prepared—four apathetic bridesmaids, and the four acolytes in tights—who have possibly been kindly leat by the Convent for the occasion—in a vacnous row at the back of the scene. Fancy Manrico has f to give them the usual initial brooches, and they feel the ding is a poky affair, and take no interest in it. Leonora herself is in spirits—seems to miss the confidant, and to be oppressed with a misgiving that the wedding is not destined to come off. Misgivi on the stage are never thrown away—the wedding «ts interru immediately by a crowd of men, in small sugar-loaf caps, who carry the bridegroom off to fight— whereupon, of course, the Curtain falls. Act IV. Scere 1.—Leonora listening outside the tower in which Manrico is being tortured, after having been taken prisoner im a combat duri entr’acte. Here a confidant might have comforted her considerably by representing that they couldn’t be torturing the long as he is able to take part in a duet—but unfortunately Leonora seems to have discharged the confidant after the Second Act—an error of judgment on her part, for she is certainly incapable of taking care of herself. A cool- headed, sensible confidant, for instance, would have taken care that Luna and the Star of the Evening. the bargain with the Conte di Luna was conceived and carried out in a more business-like spirit. “Now do be careful,” she would have said. ‘' Make sure that the Count keeps his word before you break yours. ’t go and see Manrico yourself—it can do no good, and will only harrow you! If ou really must go, don’t take a quick poison first—or you ’ll die in is dungeon, and spoil the w thing!” . Which is just what Leonora —like the operatic heroine she is—proceeds to do, and is cruelly by Manrico, in consequence, doom disa ing the Count, wh i => a seckiatio unher tho ‘isons Don’t quite see myself why Count should be so horrified on learning that the person he has just had executed was his long-lost ee oa cede ANI pitiene selctiona’ "Diopond 80 ous relations. pen u , it, when he has time to think ion over calmly, he wal recognise that things are better as they are, and that Fate has solved his domestic difficulties in the only ible manner. A Troubadour Brother, with a revengeful and quite unpresentable sipy foster-mother, would have proved very trying persons to live with. “A Curet’s Amano Ye Maxriwoe Nores.”—Sir Axruur Svr1- vaN sat next to Sir Henny Hawxuns during of the recent sensational trial at the Ancient Bailey, making, of course not taking, notes. Sir Henry occasionally conversed with the Knight of Music. Did the latter hum, sott. voce, ‘‘ And a good Judge too!” with other selections from 7rial by Jury? Everyone glad Sir Antuvx is so well. Perhaps after this he will return to Real Eccentric Gilbertiap Opera, and go away for *‘ change of air.” The “ Carte” is at the door, ready to take him, but his original ‘‘Gee Gee” has Ca. gone to Ameri VOL. CITT, s

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194 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Octoner 29, 1892, —_——__ —$$—__

“HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE!” “ This Garter, brighter from the knee Of him who uttered nothing— important.”

> The keen-eyed Democratic lynx | Be ee ne sae, babits fragal I need not wear it when I sit | May wateh so Wilh lye euaabeee™. t the Democratic strain. Among the broadcloth’d heirs of Bums! | As ta half-disguised pen, And I’m a Democrat—of course! | But Foreign Minister too humble | But—sbame to him who evil thinks The Bewsamrw Frawxin of the Peerage! | Were butt of diplomatic wit.

[Left posturing complacently.

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Ocroser 29, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Ii OORT SOMETHING LIKE A MOUNT. Sportsman (with gun). ‘‘H1.L0, Atorz, Bexw Cun-nuntTixc! How poxs Taz Younes 'Un co?” Algie. “‘ SPLENDIDLY, OLD FELiow, SPLENDIDLY |! NEVER CARRIED 80 WELL IN MY Live! GoT CLEAN AWAY with ME AS BOON AS THEY Founp,—couLpy’ T HOLD HIM A BIT—BOLD AS A LION, NOTHING STOPS HIM,—WENT SLICK THROUGH A FLIGHT 0’ FAIR-HOLED Posts AND RaILs, sMASHED A GaTE Into MaTcHwoop,— MINUTES STRAIGHT AS THE CROW FLIES THROUGH AND OVER EVERY- THING,—AND, HANG M&, IF HE WOULDN'T HAVE BREN GOING YET, IF HE HADN'T PUT HIS FOOT INTO A Rapeit-HOLE CrossiIne Caumr- Lex COMMON, AND COME A REGULAR CrRowWNER. Don’r KNOW WHERE THE DEUCE THE Hovunps went To! Hap A oLoniovs GaLLor, THOUGH, ALL TO Myseir!” THE COUNTY-COUNCILLOR’S (A few Years hence.) DIARY. Monday.—To-day’s meeting of the Council rather stormy. The | Council’s "Clerk of the Works, who superintends the fifty d builders, pg ay I &ec., who are now em reports that, unless the concessions demanded by they will all yo out on strike to-morrow. ed directly by us, men are gran ions are—Free The concessi beer three times a-day ; half-holiday every other day at fall day’s wages ; and a month’s “e to the maoon | in winter, paid for out of the rates. Clerk of the the men themselves) yee these orks (a) semanas on elective principle, by highl moderate and reasonable.” Council unable to with tin, r sitting for “Boon breaks up, six hours, amid frightful uproar, to any decision. a vitbont coming Tuesday.—W orkmen have struck! Awkward, as they have pulled down north side of Strand, to mak ephe seutp Ger Goalie = of electric tramways in centre of roadway, and whole +. in | Polic an awful litter. Begin to wish we had not “ tractor” quite so hastily. Abolished the Con- Wednesday ‘Another meeting of Council. Quite unanimous to men’s demands. Clerk _ a - reports that the A resisting uncil’s scavengers, plum it cocks, are all threatening to strike, in sympath In consequence of evident y downy B with and turn- with bricklayers. Clerk makes this announcement, proposal to decrease his salary from that of a Lord Chancellor to that of a Puisne Judge, carried nem. con. In spite of attacks on Council in the Press, satisfactory that it knows how to ear ie up its dignity at this crisis. fall of snow has getting serious. A deep ney > ER away, or let others do the work! In addition, Strand tradesmen come in body to Gardens to say that *‘ nobody can get near their chops, and thay ene a posting of of ip Comal. = lished the Middleman better get on wi cat hm fi an” Rude, but forcible. Friday.—Council heroically decides to do the work itself. Am told off by airman to help remove old bricks ks on the Strand site. Have first to dig snow away to get at bricks. Intense amusement of hostile crowd, from whom we are protected by a cordon of police. Bark my shins badly against wheel of cart. Chairman —who has been extremely energetic Ae up and down a ladder with a hod of they. find out, elt him with rw owballe oe = loyally to Council —fiercely denounced as a Say Amusing at any other time. Home in evening ce escort. LST all sur eent windows amemed! Ad it wise to abolish the Contractor ? Saturday.— Whole County Council, by several to| from Aldershot, a park of Artillery, all the City Police ( own Police being out on strike, in sympathy with frcklayer) manage with great difficulty to fill ten ten carts with rubbish, and then adjourn to Spring Gardens. Refreshments and free sticking-plaster handed round before Meeting takes place. yy Ay decides to recetabliah old Middleman ! Sir Jomw Lupsock humorously that it is, stenpente » better than the” muddle- man” —~ ny ich we have tried and found nd wanting. Bonus of £5,000 cub of soles, endhasastionty vated any Contractor who will tender for job of clearing snow widening Strand. Leter—High Court disallows our “ precept,” for the £5,000 bonus we must it out of our own Wak I eet Se Ge Coc

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Ocroner 29, 1892, —— ROBERT’S COMPANIONS. No. 2. Awormer of our speshal lot is good old Sam, with his wanderfool memmery. He won't tell not nobody his age. But he acshally swears as he remembers the time when there wasn’t not no Cabs, nor no Homnmybusses nor no Railways, nor no Steam Botes, nor no Perlice. in all Lundon! And when there was grate droves of Cattel and Sheep druv thro’ the streets, and people used to have to put up bars at their doors to keep "em out. And menny and menny a time has he seen a reel live Bullock march into his Master’s Counting ‘Ouse, with his two wild horns a sticking out, and as it was to narrer for him to turn hisself round, he used to have to be backed out tale foremost, with a fierce dog a barking at his nose. Ah, them must have been rayther ram pe mg must! How the peepel got about he don’t seem quite to remem ; but he says, as how as amost all on ’em lived at their warious —_ warehouses and so mostly walked. There was, it seems, a few ramshackel old coaches, called Ackney Coaches—coz, they was all maid at Ackney, I sup- pose—all drorn by two ramshackel old Osses, and wi shabby old drivers with wi of stror round their shabby old hats. Then some brite Genus went and inwented Cabs, and they Coaches, whi Ackney, and was never seen no more. And then, sum ewen briter Genus went and inwented Homnybusses, and they rayther estonished the Cabs and what the next brite Genus will inwent in that line, I don’t know, and Sam don’t know, and I don’t suppose as nobody else don’t. But the most wunderfullest thing of all must have bin the having of no Perlice! For Sam, acshally declares, that before Perlice was inwented by Sir Ropert Peet—therefore wulgarly called Bobbys and Peelers—the only pertecters as London had at night was a lot of werry old men, all crissened Cuartey, who used to sit in little boxes, such as the rs has at the Queen’s Pallaces, with a little lan- tern hanging up in front, and when the Church Clocks all struck the hour, they all used to git out of their boxes and wark up and down the streets a calling out, ‘‘ Parst Three E> o'Clock!” or “ Parst Five o’Clock!” as it|mem {yp mite happen to be, and then go back to their ‘é little boxes, and hang up their lanterns, and quietly go to sleep! Ah, them must have been werry nice times for Messrs. Dick Torrm, Jack Smernanp, Bux Sixes, and Cumpny, unlimited. But, Sam says, as they made up for it by hanging ewery body as stole amost anythink, such as a sheep, or a fi-pound note, or a gold watch, and that on Mondays, which was Hanging Days, he has offen and offen stood at the hend of the Hold Baley and seen sum five or six retches, with white nite caps on, all a hanging together! and he says it all so serously that we are forced to bleeve him. Then there's old sloweoach Jo, the tea-totaller. We all likes to work with him, and for a werry goed reeson. But he’s rayther a comical feller is Jo. He says, when Ly cums to know all the true fax of the case, they'll willingly pay dubble price for tea-total | Waiters. And he reelly is such a poor simple fellow that I werrily bleeves as he bleeves hisself when he says it. I carn’t think what he means by it; but Broww says as it’s a perfeckly shameful attack on the charackter of all us Waiters as ain’t such fools as to be Tea- totallers, and that we really ort all of us to cut him. But no—I’m in favour of Free Trade in Waiters as in Wine, and I shoud think that, in this pertickler case, his hobstinacy brings its own punish- ment. For what can be a creweller life for a poor Waiter to lead, than to be constantly surrounded by harf emty bottels of most bewtifool Wines, of all kinds, so as to suit the most fastidgeous Waiter’s taste, and not ellowd to taste ewen one glass of ‘em! I thinks as I've heard of sum unfortnit hindiwidial, m holden times, as used to be seated down hevrey day to a werry scrumpshus dinner, but, whatever he fixt his mind upon, the Doctor woudn’t allow him to taste it, not by no means. His name, I think, was Sanwxy Pawser, some relashun of Moopy and Sawxr, I sposes. His master’s name was Daw Quicxsmor, ony another name, I bleeves, for Burrao Brit. But that was nothink of a case to wun as my son WILLIAM told us of the other day. It seems as there was, wunce upon a time, a Greshian Gent, by the name of Tawrivs, who, becos he was found out in helping hi to sum werry brand of Neckter, was condemned to stand upto his neck in water years; and altho he was so dredfoel thusty that of ter for ewer so many he would have drunk a lot of ewen that cold, thin stuff, he wasn’t allowed not to taste a drop; and, not only that, but there was a lot of most bewti- fool frute a hanging jest above his pore hed, and whenever he tried jest to pluck a bit of it, the crewel wind blowed it away out of his reach. Hence the prowerb, ‘‘ You be blowed! ” é In course I don’t pertend to know how these things was manidged in former times, but I werry much douts whether ewen a Greshian Gent’s constitushun coud posserbly have stood it for ewer so menny years ! Ropert. CARON AND CHARON. (After dipping into Major Le Caron's ‘‘ Recollections,”’) Masor tz Caron ! jor! True, a ter Or more accompli spy who ever knew And so original! In fact, the Of all ay yields to You! Cou onest, crafty, how you met Wile with wile wilier! And then, forsooth, You so transformed yourself to suit each set, That it is praise to say, “* you lied like truth!” And in an honest cause! Renown’d Ulysses, That craftiest hero yields to you in guile. . ! You’re not the man who misses ou caught the wariest with your smile! **Canon!” The “‘h” is dropped, or we could fix (And so we can if Greek the name we make) You as the ancient Ferryman of Styx, Punting the Ghosts across the Stygian lake. The simile is nearly perfect, note, For you, with your : Were, as you ’ve shown us, all in the same boat. AT IT AGAIN! Tue following correspondence and extracts have been sent to Mr. Punch for publication :— I.— Kéniglich-Kaiserlicher Ober-Hof-Rath Doctor Hermann Dumm- witz von Hammelfleisch to The Emperor-King William the Second. Most Gracious IwpreraL Masesty, HAVE ur to announce to your Majesty, that my spouse, the beautiful and accomplished clergyman-daughter, ANNA ANSELMA, whom, by your Majesty’s ever-to-be-with-gratitude-re- ission, I last year to the altar led, is now of good hope, and will , if all should go well, add one to your Majesty’s loyal and PA subjects. I make this announcement in accordance with your Majesty’s Hochzeit’s Decree, Section 6. I remain, &c. &e. &e., Dum™witz von HaMMELFLEISCH. IL.— William the Second to K. K. 0. H. R. D. H. D, von Hammel fleisch, Hexr Docror, “Dl I nave received your letter. In accordance with Section 7 of my Hochzeit’s Decree, iously give permission for the birth engage ey to in yaae eetemurenensan. I beg, at the same time, t out that, my Supplementary Decree (Proportions of Sexes) issued last 4. it is See eT tee ekild ateald be a boy. Communicate this at once to the Frau K. K, Ober-Hof- Rathin Doctorin A. A. von HamMMELFLEISCH. (Signed) Wrox I. er R. IIL.—X. K. 0. H. R. D. von Hammelfleisch to the Emperor-King, William the Second, Most Imprentat Masesry, . Your with-satisfaction-received letter has been to my wife communicated. She desires me to assure you that she is your Imperial Majesty’s obedient subject, ( Signed) D. vor 1V.—Zxtract from the ‘‘ Reich's Anzeiger.” _“* Frau Awwa AnseLma Von HamMecrieiscn, having birth to a girl in contravention of his Imperial Majesty’s Su tary Decree (No. 10. i Sexes), it is our pai announce that the Herr Dummwrrz vor HaAMMELFLEISCH has been dismissed from his post as K. K. Ober-Hof-Rath, and will im- y be prosecuted for the crime of /ése Majesté. V.—Ezxtraet from the ** Reich's Anzeiger,” a month later sa oe 2 & @& el ee ee oe "ora xo => - ee est 1 ofp _ -

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Ocroser 29, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 197 LADY GAY’S SELECTIONS. Mount Street, Grosvenor Square. Deak Mr. Powcn,—Most delightfu weather favoured us last week at Gatwick and Sandown, and most of the horses I mentioned as worth following either finished nowhere or were not there at all, which I think is Fed porn ten, by: a Turf | prophet! at wn that sweeping or et are to be expected in Turf matters next Season, but I will not harp too much on this ant SRS able pens than mine have unde it—though how a “ pen” can harp on a string I don’t quite see—or hear, it should be. I certainly think Brandy would have won the Gatwick Handicap, but | suppose the bottle is getting low, and is being reserved in case the Cambridgeshire is run on a cold day! And that brings me to the considera- tion of this great race. I do not propose to analyse the form of all the horses, but | will devote my attention to a few of the | likely ones—whe should feel complimented | thereat (I suppose a horse can feel a com- | pliment justas well as it can a whip)—from | which —_ -— 4 ey First and | foremost,then, ec in my opinion | enough weight to carry, even if the Laren is included, as I believe is the case—and was told by Sir Coarntey Wurrezter, that to win the Newmarket Oaks she had to be bustled up ”—a fashion which I thought | had quite gone out !—anyhow, man | think she is ** not the same mare she was”’ | —thongh how they can have her | I don’t quite understand, but it would not surprise me to find Windgall the best of the Baron’s on the ot. There are several horses spoken of as “rods in pickle,” but as a rule, these animals stop at *‘rods” and never to “poles” much less ‘* perches!” Sir Jas. MrLLeR win the race, the town may resound with many a merry Jédel, but this istrying weather for voices, though I believe he is running untried, but certainly trying! There was some doubt as to the starting of a great favourite, owing toa report that the owner had been “* forestalled”’—an exeuse which always sounds very weak to me, as surely if outsiders can k a horse at a long price, the owner should alse be able to do se, and thus put backers ‘‘in the cart” —where some of them would present a pic- ture which might lead le to think the “cart” was on its way to Tyburn! There appears to be considerable doubt as to whether Buccaneer has eaten anythi ey or not, so I must discard him ; but think if he were given a sherry and bitters at once he might recover his appetite and win,as he is known to be a “* glutton ” for work! Jewrrr’s best will tehoammoneating, when we know which it is, whieh we | do shortly, as no stable is more em t= | this to let everyone into the secret of their | ‘good things;”, so if some Whisperer should tell ‘you that his is broken, it ison the cards that the Pensioner | may still be able to walk home in safety ! But enough of this = your readers will doubtless say !)—and etus come tothe point as the knife said to the pencil—so I will conclude by ing a ‘‘ maximum” on my choice, and as it is a foreign one, I must necessarily break out into foreign poetry—(just as easy to—), Yours devotedly, Lapy Gay. CaMBRIDGESHIRE SELECTION. : dessous Devient “‘ Blanc” comme TO ASTRAA. (Whe would have me show her my hand. ) Too pretty Palmist, oh, refrain, Nor thus my Destinies importune To bare the a o> trite onlt plain isfortune. Methinks, that I, sweet sorceress, ose we fascinate us, persuasions Can read my stars without ex Afflatus. ** I’m o’ er ambitious” —more than true; To fail, the lot of clever men ’tis. Who’s not a genius in his two- -twenties. ( Your two-and-twenties bide above, While mine—I’m in the sere and yellow— But I was once the model of ** My line of head is vague ; now in the depths, now t the sky- ng? — Hard lines! The line that sways a kite Is my line. ** My line of heart ws insecure—" Let ‘‘ x” be hearts; to render scarce “‘ z, Let “*1”’-s divide it; eyes are your Unfair sex. ** My love will ne’ er endure :” you wrong My passion: sooth,’ it will, if you’re it: Yet stay: to wed ?—I couldn’t long Endure it. ** My line of life w slurred and queer.” It always was—a ooienaenber Of glories missed—a fine career, But manqué. So there, forbear to spell my fate ; I’ve saved you that siby trouble ; You could but this true estimate Redouble. Still, if clasp hand, and plead, ye pare 0 re our second-sight, it Mey Gane WAS, IS, AND WILL BE. ( Three Periods of Biography.) Past (Historical).— General Srnon SNooKEs = one of the - Com- manders that ever figured in an European war. His defence of Herren-Bayoz, in 1796, will be long remembered by those of his grateful countrymen who feared that the Corsican upe-art would get the upper hand in the semi-fraternal struggle in the Portugo-Hispanian Peninsula. A service nearly as important was ‘ormed when Swooxes (then a Colonel), led the forlorn hope that gave Peoor Wet Bry — Turkish conqueror) into the grasping ands of the British Government. Yet still another victory was scored when = 5 - Swooxes forced the gates of Ram an , and brought the proud Earls of the Five Free Ports to their knees and their That he should have received London have been represented at his His fame as a victorious will never fade, and although his private life may have , his connec- tion with the noble family of Dz Scroe @Yws will for ever gain for him the respect of his fellow-countrymen. Present (Anecdotal), — General Sy better known in the last cen- he called attention to the fairness of the sunset. ‘‘ Quite like cream, Lady Brsstx,”’ said the old beau, taking a of snuff. ** Whipped, you mean,” replied the mali- cious maiden, with a smile. ‘ Simprre Simon” simpered, but never forgave the liberty. At another time the General was speaking to the late Duke of York, when that illustrious personage commanded the British Army. ‘‘I say, Simmy,” ex- claimed H.R.H., ‘if the French invade us, you must look after Number One.” *You mean, Sir,” was the om pt answer, ‘‘Number One Hundred. and One!” The King, hearing this anecdote a little later, made “Siupre Simon” his extra ~ my But perhaps the best story of all was that told of his inter- view with Dean Swirr. ‘I pro lis- tening to your Reverence on Sunday,” said the simpl . “Oh, indeed! replied the sarcastic ecclesiastic. ‘‘ Then we shall have a case of a Gulliver come to judgment!” Many other good stories are told of this whose career was rather in the drawing-room than in the field of glory. He died in 1825, and was buried in Westminster Abbey, At his there was a large assemblage of the best-known of the day, and amongst them the Editor of the National Defender, ** Sic pont eee ” said some- one. ‘* Mundi!” added the journalist. Future (Conjectural). — Sxooxxs, Srwzon. No one ws who ved rw: was, but it is shrewdly conject that he may have some official connection (possibly as a Government contractor) with one of the ancient wars. As his monument is defaced, and there are no records of his family, it is useless to attempt to make his biography any fuller.

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—_— ——O PUNCH, “OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. nae 29, 1892, ——. I ve i 4 pa s " coum tot | ii STUDIES IN CONTINENTAL PERSPECTIVE. A Dver ror Tenor anp Bass. “SQUARED!” A Sone or a Serriemenr. Atrn—" The Death of Nelson.” CECITATIVE. Naz Newson’s monument, with gloom The - _. a Question, now at rest. But = 8 laurels shall not fade with Whose. any settlement the public cheers. Ar. *Twas in Trafalgar’s We heard the spouters Each rough owl then. uare, They scorned on eee 8 yoke, Of ph nn made a j And claimed the ontights of Men. But Aseurrm came, the cool and brave, And poured oil on the troubled wave. His speech was just a - ll Along each line this meani ** England respects true Rights ts of Man, But means enforcing Duty.” No more rude mobs may roar, A nuisance and a Where’er Buns lead the way. As victory is this claimed By GW ene cease famed f right! Let them hooray! But dearly is their conquest bonght,! Tees exaseg tar ieusl Gneaie 1 fought "Tis fair, though—there’s 8 its beanty, Te erie Ti this shrewd plan, The its of Man, Plus the Policeman’ s duty. If we Se tded ia thie Be To muster there, why ir gga care? has lost its beauty ! Licence unfettered is our cares a cuss for Rights of Man, Checked by that bugbear Duty ?”’ PRESENTED AT COURT. ing called The | G Theetze, the aot | of which, reminded me—’tis merely a Ny cidence—of Incognita, now going stro’ St. Martin’s Lane. The coincident ther? that | acertain young man won’t marry an uncertain young lady whom they want him to marry, be- | cause he isin love with quite another young | lady (as he Gaon oe (the incognita) turns | out to be the very y, whom ho is required to | wed. However, that’s not what I’m wri about. I leave —- to your“ posleoand | ae Tn it was very geseeing, sad and | ut from a tary point of em shameful, Sir!—shameful! The peo about me were lau hing, and said thet | lines were take it it all round, it ought to be a succes that it was most | But how > onal I appreciate any- =e I found a Captain in the G Fas oy! s Birthday, walking about in | r boots! It was as hed, in my aed, as ch Mr. Cuartes WARNER, in the piece me me rane ih ivate in same disti ent z patent leathers! And what was the Cap- tain doing, Sir, in mess uniform at his uncle’s chambers, when he was su to be on guard at the Tower? At least so I under- stood him to be, bys T may ope See seme. At any rate, an odd sort of place to dine at, if he was not on duty — so » should not have left his post. he was not on duty and had dropped sem panly 4 the height of the Season !) Well, that might Yours more in anger than in sorrow, Ay Oxp Sorprer. Mars - Cuteaddleborough, omatkinshire. Rhymes for the Times. Iv I were a missionary On the plains of Uganda, eh leave that position airy Ere, at dawn, anew ’gan day. Question ror 4 Dickensian ExaMiwatiox Parzn.—" Here’ s Pip—Ask Pip. Pip’s ow mutual In which of Dickens's Novels is coon? —

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HE-HE!!”

2 ) a > & e nm = i) — = ows XX lai. ie . og NY WN No “Y ii ’ KW KS WOES tip vs “ Va A ZA Y / o 4 ” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrongn 29, 1892 “THEN WE JUST WON'T GO!!

Seconp Crrizen.

Fiest Cremer. .“ WOT! BANK *OLIDAYS, ARE WE!!

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Ocroser 29, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201 | THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS; |“, Or, The Lists for the Laurels, Fytre tz Seconp. “ Wire in, my warblers !” Pouncuivs cried. ‘To ‘ wire,’ Though slangy, sounds appropriate to the, Lyre.” Then forth there toddled with the mincing alt Ot a fair “‘Tottering Lily,” him, the great of Buddha! | be I do a ome guns enough Phave’ gl me | King ArTuvr, But I some reams of rhythmic | tine ois admire the rhyme!) SrppArruna. (That, as an “assonance,” is As a it,” and “ began it.” And Eastern Mythos draws me; but I’m At “ Poems National and Non-Oriental.” quite as Orna- | New Bard Grave, and grey of crest. v ‘Tis he illumes the nubi- bustic West | With the true wee ee of Asia,” —or, Such ale re the effulgent East As shineth from a home- made Chinese lantern. No Harz he, or Saapt, yet he can turn Authentic Sanserit to— Telegraphese, And — the Muse a = ty —_ La oan gen ush and ** Caps.,”” Is blent i in him with fond- ness for the Japs. “Wah! wah! futtee !— And twanged his tinkling orient lyre with pride. THE MOANING OF THE BARDS. | No nonien of the bards ! A pleasant qui No No weaataaneel gloom to dim that far hight! Of dirge’s luxury deprive my lip? So suns might say there shall no more starlight ! Lamping $ is not required at | day’s full noon, Lanterns are out of | place in dawn’s fair | flush- light ; But when dark’ night sets | in, and there’s no moon, There is a chance for stars, or even a rush- light. No moaning of the bards? That were hard lines For minor line-spinners, imperial Tewwyson ! The Governess. AN ILL-DIGESTED LESSON. ‘AND NOW, WHAT Is A PARABLE, Erriz!” Effie (who has got rather muddled). ‘‘A PARABLE? Ou, oF course, A PaRABLE} i 1s A HEAVENLY Story wits AN Earta_y Meanine !” Knocks her nice little flat nose on the floor n Ja politeness, my “* Half Jewel.” Areanmen” 8 nymphs, in song or in amour always coarse and y Pearls of the’ Faith,” is « most pious wok, Althoug At MurimAtt i is the stringe | But -". P, who hates ** The Unspeakable On thet hat Sieount would tame the Christian **Lotus and Jewel!” nice ? Doesn’t that sound — Jap Muse may roguey uey ; But, there’s = ees war Yat Brahman wo = Must that exclude me from the Wreath ? Absurd ! m prettily pious, and "Dm gen yg _— ” tame te I can’t ern, not wear the ** Quite so,” ~y — “7 like a rhyme— and chee Still, there be others yet to hear— next week |” ApoLocIA ARRYGATEN- sts. —“*’Amry in ’A gate” was so much sought after everywhere that it was thought Mr. a ous not J f- su with sufficient ort and dispatch. Hence ny and that the Har- ab Ea oeertiow enthusi- astically reproduced the entire article as — in Mr. Punch's without saying ‘‘ wi oor leave, or by your pene to the t- ing Mr. — , Mr. Punch, always kindly = | Owls only have their | _ chanee when day declines, | That’s why the night-birds crown thee | . with prompt benison. EWIS has wailed and warbled—twiddling] ALFRED has—rootley-tootlely wailed and, warbl Whoee brow, not less than theirs, with woe is marbled ? Rosert and Austin (Dosson) took their urns ; There is some talk, too, of Sir Ta8opore _ - _ Marrm, Seeing my lips, too, thrill, my heart, too burns, in Why the great contest should I WwW mae x's young Muse hath wept—then why | F think a | I love the Hindoos, I adore the Japs ; I’m fond of scraps of Oriental lingo; Yet I’m a patriot, and have hymned, | perhaps, As nae as most, my native god, great Jingo! Muse with twinkly almond orbs, Would —— a change—in England prove etching Is it not plain Jap Art our Art absorbe! Why not in singing, as well as I’m sure my “ Gursna ” is as good 1 As Vivien, or Feeling or den Dolo Is she more less fair, that perfect pear] Of Singing Xipangu’s great’st of Gy “harrogate to i ” any republish wholesale without nt | saything that has appeared in Mr. ew pages, ya | this instance of gishness quite un | dented in the Metratile Advertaere pre | ( Vide ro Advertiser, October 15). Boz and Coz Causa yaa 4 Vive ’Anny! "Likewise ’Arrygate! know, all men, by these presents, that a P. is quite awake. Hand, entering Christ Ch Hat, ae et” the visit.

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— 202 ee lll THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocrossr 29, 1892, A COOL HAND. Irrepreasible Pupil. ‘‘ Poor Srvrr, Sr, THs Vinort. Dow’t rou Tuink so? Suffering Coach (who can scarcely believe his ears). *‘ Poor Srurr, Sir!!! Irrepressible Pupil (wnmoved ), Vincit—poor Sturr! ‘Seems To me, Sin, tv's MERELY A LITERAL TRANSLATION OF SOME OF THE BEST ENcLIsH CxrIBs!” Waat po rou msayi" | — mermaes . | You'll own our journalistic undertaking, LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES! | 910% Srove as unoquivocal tone ‘It is to be sincerely hoped that there is no| While you, who uttered this untimel truth in the rumour that a paper for children will | Will bi ms apologise, and disappear ! shortly make ite appearance, entirely written and illustrated by children under fifteen years of age.’ | —St. James's Gazette, October 12th.) MY FIRST BRIEF. WHEN you, my first brief, were delivered, Warr, churlish critic, do you hope sincerely The rumour, whieh you mention, is untrue? Mere prejudice makes you regard severely ri Aa —— to ese The cause of liberty which we pursue. Myself admitted a Q.C.; We are, The Prattler will establich clearly, Piles of briefs upon the table, More work to do than I was able ; ay scrambling | for advice, Then Lorp Cuan. CELLORB in a tries. Quite competent to edit a review ; The age of greatest wisdom will be seen To be decidedly below fifteen. We never showed, as we need hardly mention, That fabled ignorance about the stars, From earliest days we spoke about ‘ declension,’ And argued on the atmosphere of Mars ; yf While parents we put up with, more attention | We paid towards another kind ef ‘‘ pars.”’; Full soon was lit the journalistic flame,— We lisped in leaders, for the leaders came. That foolish custom, which at present smothers Our youthful genius, we shall supersede. Here are some papers which, with many others, | Will make Pie he Prattler eminent indeed ;— you doubted and | The story brief, instructions a Defendant in a ‘County Court, It needed not an ounce of sense - see that you had no defence. But, erudite in English law I fashioned bricks without the straw. A series on “‘ The Management of Mothers,” Will meet, we hope, a long-experienced | | | Around m oe floor I Elsewhere we ’ll note, in some attractive way, Haran the book-case on each head ; The latest long-clothes fashion of the day. || Dxmosrmewes and Cicero On hearing me had cried a Instruction in the art of window-breaking, Then I must own that I was nettled— And modes to tame a fiery governess, Out of Court the case was settled. Descriptions of perambulator-making— All my points were left unmade, No need on details to lay further stress, | And the fee is left unpaid. | | ees POLITE LEARNING. [Professor Lomsroso writes in the Reeue da Reoues that all women are liars. Mr. Victor Horsiey writes in the 7Jimes that one of Miss Conse’s statements is a lie.} Suamervt, shocking, rude Professor! Cricntoy Browne—your predecessor In attacks, — be su Of the higher Education—once com them - o a an pm sy ut he was polite, an them Words like “ liar.” Lie, indeed !1!There is a middle Course—say “‘ fib” or ‘* tarradiddle,” ** Not quite true,” “* A sort of riddle Facts to smother.” hen who love the fair romancer— he talker singer, dancer, What you she’ s sweet—we Answer, ou’re an As for you, Biha Mr. Horster, Arguing so very coarsely, en ithyming badly? i ou, so skilled mr wiveestian. 4 Conta cut up Miss Copse's mn ection, With your tongue in some subjection, Not thus y: Why, Lomsroso would despise you Though he is so rude, These “ jliee” you Freely write ry folks surmise you Not the a, ¥ ou ealve not “* licked” her. ion g to suit you) though you ’re VicroR, you stoop to contradict her Like a coster.

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——— Ocrosma 29, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MR. PUNCH’S SHOOTING-PARTY.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Ocrossr 29, 1892, SONGS OUT OF SEASON.—MY CARETAKER. At a knock, at a call How she shivers and starts! She’s ‘‘that nervous”— and“ Hall Of ’er fambly ‘as ’earts.” A mrerrnious thing For our commonplace day, Is the lady I sing In the following lay. While I’m shooting the use, Or enjoying the sea, She takes care of my house Fora nominal fee. For ten shillings a-week Does this wonderful woman Undertake, so to speak, An existence inhuman. Like their dwellings the rabbits (treats, Deep in darkling re- This weird widow inhabits Subterranean seats. What with humour “ con- trary,” Or ironic despair, She denominates “ airey”— From its absence of air ! It would give me the blues Household gods to uphold | With a Lloyd's Weekly News Of some fifty days old. In a Stygian gloom, | Far from sun and ozone, She sits locked in her room, Uncompanioned, alone. Not till gloaming obscure Cools fot London at last, | Hies she forth to procure Her ideal repast. | CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. (By Mr. Punch's own Grouse in the Gun-room.) | Luwca (conTINUED). How well I remember a certain day in the by-gone years, when | for the first time a great truth suddenly burst upon me in all its | glory. The morning’s sport had been unsuccessful. We were fairly tired, and some of us, in spite of the moderate temperature, | | were perspiring freely. For we had been walking up late rtridges | | most of the morning, with just an occasional shot here and there at | | pheasants in covert. Now, late partridges are perhaps the least | amenable of created things. They cherish a perfectly ridiculous con- | viction that nature, in endowing with life, intended that they should preserve it, and consequently they hold it to be their one aim and object to fly, whirring cheeping, out of sight, long before even an enthusiastic shot could have a chance of proving to them how beautifully a bird can be missed. For some reason o other, our host had refused or had been unable to drive the birds. One result was that we had tramped and tramped and tramped, getting only rare shots, and doing but little execution. result was, that the place was simply littered with lost tempers, and we sat down to lanch very much out of conceit with ourselves, our guns, our cartridges, the keepers, the dogs, and everything else. The pleasant array of plates and glasses, and the savoury odours of the | meats mitigated, but did not dispel the frowns. Then suddenly there | dropped down amongst us, as it were from the sky, the Great Wood- cock Saga. In a moment the events of the morning were for- gotten, brows cleared, tempers were picked up, and an eager hilarity reigned over the company, while the adventures of the wonderful bird were pursued from tree to tree, from clump to clump, through all the zig-zags of his marvellous flight, until he finally vanished triumphantly into the unknown. Now the Great Woodcock Saga is brought about in this way :— First of all su that a woodcock has shown himself somewhere or other during the morning. If he was seen it follows, as the day follows the night, (1), that ererybody shot at him at the most fan- tastic distances without regard to the lives and limbs of the rest of the party ; (2), that (in most cases) everybody missed him; (3), that everybody, though having, according to his own version, been especially careful himself, been placed in imminent peril by the recklessness of the rest; (4), that everybody threw himself flat on his face to avoid death; and (5), that the woodeock is not really a bird at all, but adevil. The following is suggested as an example of Phar seer the “74 '7- = at luneh a — irst 8 man (pausing in his attack on a plateful of Y rabbit). By Jupiter that was a smartish woodeock. I never saw Another | “A red’ errmg, an wmion, Just of dripping a bite” —This is not my opinion, Hers verbatim I cite. But I fancy, though loth to Thus detract from her merits, (And I’ve her solemn oath too! That she’s “partial to sperrits.”’ For once suddenly coming (She supposed me away) I was struck by her hum- ming “Ta-ra-ra Boom de Ay ! ” And not humming it only ; Also dancing the =~ “Ta-ra-ra Boom de ,;” In my desolate hall ; I, though prone to be y; ),. Didn't like it at all. “Which,” she said, “it was Fite— The Sint Biteus ’—her fling !— Yes! The Caretaker, it’s the beggar till he all but flew into = sr and then away he Iightaing, {Jet him he ightning. I let him have both barrels; but I might as well have shot at a gnat. Still, I tickled him up with my left. Second Sporteman (a _ stout, oe ee *) abies wmup! By thought J was going to be tickled u I tell you. Shot was fi round motes | bang over the place. loosed off twice at him and then went down, to avoid t. Haven't a notion what became of him. Third Sportsman (choking with loughtor af the recolbetiony "| . i aw you go down, old cock. First go off, | thought you were hit: — when you got that old face yours up, and began to holler “Wor guns!” as if you meant to bust, why I jolly soon knew there wasn’t much the matter with you. Just look at him, you ou think an ordi (mali man). Gad, yee natal! I'd rather be buck about by Evetrx Woop for a week than A mysterious thing. cock to the right! to the left! Mark — mark!” Gad! thinks I to myself, the bally place must be full of ’em. Just then ont he came, as sly os te blowed. My old bundook went off of its own - I bagged the best of an oak tree, and, after that, I seooted. Things were gettin’ just a shade too warm, by gad! A reg’lar hail-storm, that’s what it was. No, thank you, thinks I; not for this party—I ’m off to cover. So that’s all J know about it. Thanks, Tommy—do you mind handin’ round that beer-jug ? First Sportsman (rallying him). Just think of that. And we're all of us taxed to keep a chap like that in comfort. Why you're pee to be o* at—that ’s what you ’re there for, you and your thin ine, an weak, harmless (Mili heavily chaffed. Military Sportsman. Oh, it’s all very well for you | Johnnies to gas like that— but, by Gad, youdidn’t seem — ann ng Fae FT yourselves. our ee are chattering s y Bryvxs. ey Binks, Ah, but I’m only a Gas : 1 poor civilian. jaa Military Sportsman. Well,I cut and ran as a civilian. Did anyone e bloomin’ bird, after all ? : The Host. Shoot him? I shouldthink not. The last I saw of him he was sailing off quite comfortable, cocking snooks at the whole lot. Have another go of pie, Jonnny ? So that is the Great Woodcock Saga, the absolute accuracy of which every sportsman is bound to ise. And the great trath that burst upon me is this, that if you want to restore good temper to a shattered party, you must start talking about woodcocks. you saw a woodcock in the m , talk about that one. If not, begin about the woodeock you saw week, or the woodeock somebody else missed the week before. But whatever fon do, always keep 8 woodeock for a (metaphorically) rainy day. Bring him out at lunch next time you shoot, and watch the effect. * Grrevances or Crvit Servants.”—Sir, seeing this heading in the Times to a letter which | didn't stop to , I can only say, for my part, that us servants as is really civil ought not never to have any “‘ grievancies.”” Tips is the reward to “‘ civil Yours, Tar Borurn. os G> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS. im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and there will be no exception. , Printed Matter, Dra or Pictures of any description, wis Addressed En Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule ee alll en ee eis . SSz.| a y iBRb cEBSTEse Pad it! ae & a3

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ootonsr 29, 1892.

THE GIGANTIC SALE OF THE *QUEEN’S ROYAL” HOUSEHOLD HEARTH RUGS. ra - wide reputation for @apnes, and utility, having no Regutered Designs, and considered ) wt. Thousands of re; orders and Testi- Bonin received, including ing the highest satisfaction. §& ler—Three for 7s.; ; 6d.; Twelve for He. C larriage The Rectory, Guildford, April | Eusabdeth, Comatem at W inchilsea 2 ie a x t aes =a Pan —, works

2 ot Tar- Bubep of Capetown. | | The Trnsoms 40 Croy. | The Halifax. Trade Mark on all Goods. Beware of Imita- | tions. Please mention this Paper. | TSE “QUEEN'S ROYAL” HOUSEROLD Revessipts Rucu Turaey Parreas | CARPE T Senn) Admittedly the Cheapest in the world. | Woven without seam, superior quality, with | handsome border to ; @ marvel of excellence ond uty. Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH RED AND BROWN LABELS.

THE 'G. B.” DIABETES WHISKY Contains ne Sugar. 38 not stored in Sherry Casks. Tor DIABETES, GOUT, & KIDNEY COMPLAINTS. “Certainly seems to deserve its name." —Laxcer. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. GEO. BACK & CO., Devonshire Square, London. BEST BLACK INK ENOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO., 10, Warwick Square, E.C. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPER, Ltd., Dublia. ron DELICATE CHILDREN. SQUIRE'S CHEMICAL FOOD. The Only and Original

PARRISH’S Food. The Public are which differ in Rasen epee th Bottles, be., 2s. 64, and &., every: SQUIRE & SONS, Cheméiats, Her Majesty's 418, OXFORD STREET, LONDON.

OTARD'S FAMOUS V.$.0.P. BRANDY. Ge. per Dee Cash. (BOTTLED IN COGNAC, AND VERY CHOICE.) | SUPPLIED BY , 0. 3d., for a dining-room for idence at Barningham Park, i gold colours as om year.” sand Ly my free To readers mr iesralaetare, laperter, co "Merchant, Woodsley Road, my

it 6, and 10 nig id. -, 908. anc and 42s. —, : Dozen. ° Paid—Por Cash with Order only. t x APYROACHAMLE VALUE. Forbes, Maxwell, & Co., Ltd., ABERDEEN, 5B. ‘VE YOUR LIVES BY TAKING IWBRIDGE’S LUNG TONIC. _ THE MIGHTY ee "Ma @ power over disease hitherto in medicine.

' and Asthma it relieves instantly. "s of Whooping Cough become less wth each dose of the medicine. AA tee Soot a

eAaNriler = TAR: SOAP ARNOLD, PERRETT, & CO.,LD.,

agp WATER. PACKHAM’S TABLE WATERS ARE MADE WITH DISTILLED WATER, WHICH IS FAR BETTER. HOWARD BEDFORD PLOUGHS.

BREAKFAST OR SUPPER. Er PS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC. COCOA BOIL ne WATER OR = ELEVEN

A ain bottie, as a sam wit be cont, past free cu y address on receipt of P.O. for be RICHD. MATHEWS & ‘CO,, MM and %, HART ST, BLOOMSHURY, WC. Bold by all Lesvine Mencnasts throughout Ix pis and the Coronize.

COLDEN BRONZE HAIR. The ag A poenee, ° Tr ling RINE i buat o winre a hand Camera especially It is the most com and with it the largest re number of operations. PICTURES SQUARE OR ROUND. San WO PREVIOUS KNOWLEDCE OF PHOTO- CRAPHY 18 NECESSARY. “YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, WE DO THE REST.” SLLUSERATED Catal CATALOGUE FREER The SASTEAY 97 PHOTO O70 MATERIALS | t4., Paris t-~ 1a Nice : yun eanatl

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ooronsr 29, 1892. YOU CAN'T DO WITHOUT SOAP! WHY NOT GET THE BEST? APPOINTED BY SPECIAL ROYAL WARRANT SOAP MAKERS TO HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN. SUNLIGHT SOAP has no equal for Purity and Excel- lence; no equal as a _Labour- Saver; no equal as a Killer of | Dirt and Grease; no equal as a Preserver of the Hands and Clothes ; no equal as a Household Comfort. These are some of the | reasons why “ SUNLIGHT’ Soap has the largest sale in the | world, and has been awarded 10 Gold Medals. every PVvUBLISHEOD SATURDAY. —+| NC