Punch 1892-10-01: Vol 103 Iss 2673

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Oocrozer 1, 1892. —_

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| Ocrossr 1, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 145 « STUMPED |” (A would be laudatory Ode. By Jingle Junior.) [The young Indian Gentle- , Mr. RANJITSINNSI, s “secured his century” at Cricket no less than eleven times this season. ] OH. 8. Raxsrr—(spelling a wild venture is !) Wielder of willow, runner-up of ‘‘centuries”’! What’sinaname? A name like RanwsrTsin— (Can’t finish it, was foolish to begin !) : How many miles was it you ran, O Ran— Bowled out again. Am sorry I began !) In running out those hun- dreds, RanJITSINGHJ— A man were a patched fool, a perfect me ' Who'd try tos that name, Ask Bully Bottom /) With such a name to carry, how you got ’em, O Rays—(that sounds like Orange!) — those same “ notehes ” Is quite a wonder. Were they ‘* bowls” or *‘ cotches”’ That got you out at last, those times eleven ? (Where is Grace now? He has not one even This season, though as close as ninety-nine to it.) A pplause has greeted you; | let me add mine to it, O Ran-srt-stu-ngr! (Those last three letters What do they spell?) Ortho- graphy’s cold fetters | Shan’t chill my admiration, IMMUNITIES OF THE SEA-SIDE. ‘*ComE UNDER THE UMBRELLA, Jack, It's pecuN TO RAIN, AND YoU "LL Amid ‘_" catch CoLp, AND MAMMA LL BE VEXED!” ’ **Poon! As rr Sart WATER EVER GAVE onze Cotp!” smart young Hindoo! 4 | Say, did you smite a sixer through a window, | Like Slogger Toornton in Ais boyish prime, | O Ransrrsmyng1? Got it this time! That is, it spelt all right. E’en admiration Shan't tempt me to attempt pronunciation ! Eleven centuries we to Indian skill owe ! Will the East lick the West at its own * Willow ?” Here ’s luck to India and young Ran—Och, murther |! RaNn-JIT-sIN-sIN—How’s that! Out? Can’t get further ! _On No, we wever Mention Ir.”—The KenDALs have got a Play byayoung American Author with the very uncompromising name of Daw. He, or his Play, may be Dam good, or just the reverse : still, if he does turn out to be the ** big, big D,” then all the Dam family, such as Amsterdam, Schiedam, and so forth, will be real proud of him. Future Dams will revere him as their worthy ancestral sire, and American Dam may become naturalised among us (we have a lot of English ones quite a spécialité in that line, so the French say), ‘and become Dam-nationa- lised. What fame if the piece is successful, and Daw ison every to ! So will it be too, if unsuecessful. Englishmen will welcome the new American playright with the name unmentionable to ears ite, and will re- cognise in him, as the Dam par ezcellence, their brother, as one of the uncommon des- cendants of A-pam. By the way, thea priate night for its production be Christmas Eve. Faney the eries all over the House, calling for the suécessful Author |! “ PUNSCH.” (In the Reading-room of the Bernerhof.) Attnoven thy name is wrongly spelt Upon thy case, what joy I felt To find a place where thou hast dwelt, My Punjfeh ! Yet wit and wisdom, even thine, Can’t wake up Berne, where folks supine All go to bed at half-past nine, y Punjeh:! What art or jokes could entertain, Such sleepy people ? True, they feign It’s later, for they A halb zehn,” y Bunfch! My German “ Punsch,” what gender thine ? They who accept, likewise decline, ** Das Weib” might feminine assign— Die Punich! No matter which, if I behold Thy pages, worth their weight in gold— It’s true they ’re more than three weeks old, My Bunjch! Aw Opp Fettow Ovr.—The Church-break- ing thief (vide the Standard’s provincial news) who was arrested at Oswestry (fitting that a Church-thief should have been arrested by Os-Westry-men—which sounds like a body of mounted ecclesiastical police), explained that he was a ‘‘ monumental mason of Dublin.” Perhaps the Jury will find him monu-men- tally deranged. | HEALTH AND | HOPPINESS. [It is rted that the latest move is for ladies to combine profit and pleasure by going “ hopping.’’ Farr Woman longs novelty, Her daily task is apt to cloy her Ro be The pastimes that were wont Diverting now do but ° t, The cmmes joys of oo So tired of tennis, shooting, She turns yt despair to for at_hopping. Now girls whom you would scarce believe nose at soiling toiling. There ’s Erne: of the golden Who flutters through existence gaily Hops hard and does her twelve hours daily. | Then pretty Mavp, with janghing eyes, | Who hardly knew what daily wage meant, | To every body’s great surprise to eut this, that ement. | her ‘prentice | Would not turn up their | Their dainty hands, to dewy eve From early morn keep ever | Phair, (Her father is amillionnaire), | vines she daily goes, | And picks till weary fin- = gers tingle, The sweetest music now she knows Is hearing hard-earned sovereigns jingle. This latest move, it’s very true, Appears to be a rather rum thing, But yet for idle hands to do We know that Someone will find some- thing. Will fashionable hopping last ? Well, this it’s sate to lay your cash on, Before another year has passed There'll be another female fashion. Vive ta Rarw pu Barrer AL’ Atuampra ! —*Certainly,” says Me. Joun Hot.ines- neap, “ Ve’ve la rain. It comes pouring sone on the , and the people come ye > in to seeit. Isu says he, ** they’ “ call me The Wetter'un ?” The ballet is very effective, not a’drop too much, and ** not a drop in the business” in front of the house, though there is, as is evident, on the stage. If Manager Jouy liked to quote SHAKsPrA RE with a difference, in his advertisements, he might say, ‘* With a hey, ho, the Wind and the Rain! For the Rain it raineth every night!” For some time to come this show will be the raining favourite at the Alhambra. By the way, the Sheffield Telegraph, describ- ing the alterations and improvements in front at the Alhambra, wrote—** The ceiling has been bevelled with plasters so as to hide the girders.”” We know that hand :— it’s Our ‘* Mrs. Rameporuam,” and she ‘* comes from Sheffield.” However, “ ers” would be another attraction at the Alhambra, or anywhere, as they certainly ought to draw. VOL. CIII.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —$_—____ [Ocroper 1, 1892, LADY GAY’S SELECTIONS. Dean Mr. Ponca, Mount Street, Grosvenor Square. Uns tocny Leicester was even more unlucky than usual—and when the big race was run last Wednesday, so thick was the rain, that the horses could only be seen for the half mile! Of course this made all the difference to the horse I selected— Windgall—who finished second ;—as he only gives his best ste amomaaa in eniai and as he doubtless PS xt « 4 knew he couldn't be! seen, he thought it was only’ a private trial until he got close home, when his gallant effort was too late to be of any use !—at least, this is how J read the result of the race, and who ean know more about a horse than the racing- prophet, I should like | to know ? I was told by Sir Watrer GRreninoetor, that the “public “ tum- bled over each other” to back Breach, but I must say I didn’t notice anything of the sort, and it was not the kind of day anyone would choose for a roll on the turf, the state of which was detrimental to any kind of Breach !—The believers in “* coinci- dences "—(of which | need hardly say J am one—a_ coincidence being a truly feminine reason for cking a horse)—had no option but to back the winner, Rusticus; as he drew the same berth he occupied in last year’s race, which he y sop— I mean also)—won for Mr. Hamar Bass !— Stuart was a eat eleventh hour tip— She eleventh hour I wonder ! —more than any other —and who fixes the precise moment when the eleventh hour com- mences ’)—but history tells us the Srvanrts were mostly unreli- able; and though I am told he ran a “great horse ’—I thought him rather on the small side myself ! I hear that Mr. Leo- warp Borne has re- ceived a “ licence to! ride” from the Jockey Club, and that his am- bition is to ride the winner of the “‘ Grand National” — to which end he has started “ schooling” a well- known chaser over the — training-ground in Drury Lane, belonging to Sir Avcustvs iannis—if he hopes to escape observation by training at night, I fear his design will be frustrated, as, on the evening, I went to witness this “new departure” in training, I found most of the London racing-touts present, with the inevitable field-glasses ! Next week sees us once more at our beloved Newmarket First October—(this is a Jockey-Club joke, as the meeting akoays takes place in September! But what does a little of kind matter to such an August body!)—and I shall a — $A 2 for the most important race of Wednesday. but I wish to give a “THE PERI AT THE ACADEMY GATES.” “On July 4th, Lieutenant Pzary, in his Greenland, came on a glacier which he named hint to the “‘ Worldly Wise” not to miss the October Handica: the match, for which Buccaneer will be favourite at the “ fall o ‘he ! "(The flag may fall, but such a Buccaneer as this is will never “strike his flag” I feel sure!) Being absolutely overloaded with prophecy, I must also have a word to say on the Rutland Plate, which aristocratically-named race could only be won by the aristo- cratically-named Buckingham '/—Yours devotedly, Lapy Gar. Great-Eastern Rartway Hawnpicar Seectioy :— From Cola ‘Norra’ 8 ** Selected,” SWORD AND PEN. A FABLE, ( Translated from the Russo- French. ) P . " er Russia, to France, to Rome, and to Turkey. No one knew exactly what Treaty was like, Pen said he was satisfied with Treaty, and as Pen and Treaty were = constant com Pen’s word on —* ject was asugted as authentic. But one fine day there was a breeze, and Treaty was blown away by the wind. . **Can I not assist?” asked Pen. ‘ Things | seem to have gone | | "aoe ne, thanks,” re- | ‘ie Sword, grimly ; | en it comes to) oleae quarters, we find | ink not quite so useful as ss. ates Se FOR AN OvTsipeE ADVERTISE- MENT TO BE DISPLAYED AT THE Door OF THE Srranp THEATBE.— "“Diiato all Geen” (tall Brief Interview. “ AND, ” me our deferential terviewer, ** what did your Lord- ship reply to the depu- —" tation — Uganda?” f Lore XOSEBERY at once answered, ‘‘I said little, but I bel ** Ment-more,” interrupted the Private Secretary, sticking a la on his Lordship’s travelling bag. ** Quite so,” said Lord Rosgsery, and off he went. t sledge journey, commenced on May 15th last, in e Academy Glacier.” — Times. BaD For woutp-se “Ewetise Wives.”—It is reported as ‘* Yankee Girls and American Belles were the feature of the Misce = laneous Market.” This should put our young men on their met —tin, of course, for choice. No reasonable offer refused. el

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| | Ocroszr 1, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ot FEF PRA ae ee 4 eG a me “HOW IT’S DONE!” — (Hard on Sketchley, who was there at the time and in the thick of it, and has just had his Picture photographed. ) “On! Mr. SKETCHLEY, HOW CLEVER oF You TO Part sucn A Laros Picture rrom svcn A SmALt Prorocrarn!” LAYS OF MODERN HOME, No. V.—MY BUTTONS! [t wasn’t that he blacked the plate And rouged the boots, and breathed, half- choking, Half-snorting, when he leaned to wait : Although these habits are provoking. It wasn’t that he his fill, Although his mouth with food was giving ; This latter, as a feat of skill, Might have procured the lad a living. It wasn’t that he’d purchase hosts Of squibs and sweets to mess the pantry ; That horrid boy, and broomstick-ghosts On timid Janz would oft, and Aww try. These peccadilloes might “4 Have all improved with careful training.— | It was his shameless — AG: That gave us cause for most complaining. | He swilled and stuffed as never mere Adult voracity can own to; He was a *‘ growing boy, ; I wonder much what he has grown to! He wore away our forks and spoons With hard, incessant gormandizing ; The Baker’s, and, for some blue moons, The Milkman’s bill were quite surprising. | He cost us more in Butcher’s meat And Grocer’s tea, and things from Cutlers, He cost, I solemnly repeat, , Far more than two or three big Butlers. And thus his fat increased until’t Became a show that sight bewilders ; We trembled for our mansion built, You see, by noted Jerry-builders. At length (you'll scarce the fact believe) One evening, as we sat at dinner, And strove our senses to deceive By just imagining him thinner ; We heard a crack, a burst, a groan, We felt a broadside round us battered, blown piecemeal scat- We saw his buttons fiercel About our heads, an tered ! The suit had split; the boy was bare Of clothes designed to last for ages ; We gave him notice then and there— This volume, so to speak, of pages! Sone To Bz suNo IN HarMaRrket OncnestTEa purine Overrurse.—‘ Oh, why should we wait till to-morrow? See Queen of Manoa to-night!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Octoser 1, 1893, ON A GUERNSEY EXCURSION CAR. | are Chemical works for extracting iodine after being dried, is The car, drawn by four horses, and crowded with Ezeursionsts on | "CHtere the Mild Man, who has been listening with much interest, pleasure bent, is toili >» steep streets of St. Peter Port, is startled by recei a yaa piece of paper, which is when it comes to a tile tf iimaclh Excurvionists (impatiently). Now then, what's this? What are The M. M. sy you the message). “Keep the we I. ing here for ? Driver quiet. ie is gel YY Gracious! I never noticed— river. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will the ly under- and yet —dear me, I hope th Pray expect me to interfere ! unl that it is customary for the car to stop here, in rthatthe The Timid Lady (to the Driver). For goodness sake never mind party may be photogra: aan thus providing an nk « souvenir of about iodine now—sit down and attend to your driving, like a good the trip, and a useful means of identification at Seotland Yard. | man! 1 Fhstegvagher appears in the road with a camera, and the pa party | Driver. You will thoroughly understand, prepare t es for perpetuation in a pleased flutter.) P’ attention. (Sleepily.) No attention whatever. I assure you I am to a Mild Man on the box-seat)—you 'd like to be taken ’ = | perfectly competent age - 8 and Dag you information going the ribbons? Most of our Gentlemen do. along at the same nother corner rather

(The Mild Man accepts the reins, and endeavours to assume a aye Simply weather tabi” oie Mes tam el m knowing and horsey expression. Serious Exe. (in an undertone. A Timid Laay (behind). q t, hope no Gentleman will take . & It’ ‘really tn Ge orer hearing). reins from reins, unless he is th y eomeumel Giving Sas -in-hand. | Suppose they took it into mH heads to run away mly ! I’d never driver (solemnly). Don’t you alarm yourself about ‘hat, Ma’am, in the very slightest degree. These ’osses take that = in themselves, they'd sto’ ere all day rather than spol their own likenesses ! [The M. M. ‘intimates that he is no novice in the art of driving, which is fairly true as regards a pony-trap— and the fears of the T. L. Fs ~~ % 7 eal ” he a ow, 8 y all, plea those at the further ends of the seats stand Up 80 as to come into the Eo. rn . ~ more to the right, please, the gentleman in the straw at, turn your ‘ead a trifle rr towa the camera, the 4 in the pink shirt, — that better. iter take off your spectacles, Sir. Now then—are you ready ? A Comie Exc. ’Old on a bit I’ve by my nose. — Some of the party gigg t ‘phengrag. us successfully -?- and the car — Z \ The Driver. On your left, S W \ hy 4 . Ladies and we sy <A a —— 10 RRS , . and very like the old lady. have the Prison—the cheapest ey ¥ ; x apy oe nearest him guile Hotel in the Island for parties ¢ Yj in ai who intend making a protracted | ‘ / stay here. On our right we are _ now passing “* Paradise.” You will observe that someone has <= “y) , ‘ung his ‘at and coat up at the 7 , ; j \ , and I can assure you, entrance, not being certain of s ‘ , ‘ ies and Gentlemen, the getting in. . Notice the tree - . —S : AS omuany pi gh gay front—the finest men on the . =— ‘ iv ion give yo island of the at Foil Guernsey ; f little idea of what the Island «s. hoak. , “ Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey expression.” Excursionists (taking — [He keeps turning from time tage of the opportunity to discuss to time to ess these instructive remarks to the passengers | the situation). I noticed it the niente I at ages on him—he never behind him. | ought to — been sent out like n to a wedding this The Timid Lady. 1 wish he wouldn’t talk so much, and look more | morning, so I heard, and it’s upset ry a Bttale that’s all. . where he is going—we ’re much too near the hedge! | set him—we ’re lucky if he doesn’t — us. What a fidge Driver (cones, up, and turning his back on the horses, as they | I shan’t babe ae into err: next year, if trot on). hago. you will all thoroughly understand | If Switzer ’s full of a lot of drunken men, I . that the bn og in this Island are narrow. Consequently, ou ‘must | Well what had we better do about it? ere this gentleman look after the branches and briars yourselves. I've enough to do tu | would——Oh, no, I couldn’t take the responsibilit: not with- look after my ‘orses, I assure you, and it looks bad to see ’ats and | out knowing the way. Well, we can’t walk ’ that bonnets decora’ oeeating Se edges after the car has . (Some of the | we must trust to | , that’ ! Pretty bit Excurstonists at one another uneasily.) e glass-'ouses you | here. . . Oh, ore det Coa ee see in such quantities, are employed in the uction of early grapes | know !— &eo and mm for the London Market. is Island alone exports | annually —— | Here the car rounds a corner rather sharply, and he sits down The Mid Man (with a Mild Man's thirst for eames What are those buildings over there with the chimney ? | Here he is conscious + ee the back—but | scenery decides to take no notice ‘scenery Driver (rising as before).

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Ocroser I, 1892. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 149 scenery that can only be properly enjoyed coming out on one of these cars. If you go out with lame ivers, they take you the | main , and you come away fancying you’ve seen the Island. | Now the advantage of coming — me—— (His eyes close once | more—the Excursionista implore him to attend to his team.) You | will thoroughly there is not the slightest cause to appre- | hend any danger. I’ve driven this car fifteen years without least | accident—up to So you can devote your whole attention to needing to keep an eye upon the Driver. (He | the scenery, wi points to the abyss.) That is the shortest way down—on this occasion, however, I shall endeavour not to take it. (He whips up his horses, | the and accomplishes the descent at a brisk .) you there wouldn't be no accident? Fery you'll believe me another time! Mild Man (alighting at Hotel for luncheon). We've had a re- markably lueky escape—I never felt more thankful in my life ! A Gloomy Exc. Don’t you be in too great a hurry, Sir! We've got NS get back—and he’s bound to be worse after he’s had his luneh ! The M. M.'s appetite for lobster is entirely destroyed by this sinis- ter prediction; but whether the Driver has been unjustly ma- ligned, or whether he has sobered himself in the interval—he reappears in a more , and less discursive mood, and the journey home ioe mated decid of eaten SIMPLE STORIES. “ Be always kind to animals wherever you may be.” RUBY AND THE ROOK. Rosy, wamees she was something of a tomboy, was a pretty and clever giri. But, like man and clever little ladies, she was sometimes | very naughty. en she was good, she was as as gold, but when she was naughty, she was as as pinchbeck. The other day, when her dear Mamma was away for the morning, it happened to be one of her pinchbeck times. Nothi her—she was ¢ross with her governess at ee’: with her There, didn’t I tell well, then. P’rhaps | | | Caweus, came hopping on her shoulder, she refused to give it any- ing to eat, but hit it on the beak with her spoon. Miss DcumBELt was very much grieved at the way in which her pupil lolled in her chair, gave sullen answers, and put flies in the milk-jug, and pinched the cat’s tail. ** Mind, Rvusy,” said Miss Dum- BELL, ‘‘ at eleven o’ clock I shall expect you in the cchelivennen with that page of French rases quite perfect.” ? UBY's eyes ed as | she went out of the room; she pouted, she swung her skirts, and | shook her shoulders, so that even Miss Dumsett, the most patient | and kindest of governesses, quite longed to slap her. | Rupy went to the school-room; she immediately flung the French | Phrase-book from one end of the room to the other. She took some | story-books, and a little basket full of apples, bath-buns and ‘‘ three- corners,” and ran down to a little plantation called the Wilderness, | at the bottom of the garden. She selected one of the elms, and as she could climb like a kitten, she was soon at the top of it, quite hidden from view among the leaves. | ‘So much for old Dusaey and her French phrases!” said the | naughty girl, as she settled herself in a comfortable position and | brought out her story-book. The stable-clock had strack twelve, | and she heard her name ealled in all directions, by Jones, the | gardener, Briiiir, the buttons, and long-suffering Miss DumsBeExt. | They could not find her anywhere, and her Most Serene Naughtiness sat screened by the leaves and shook with laughter. Presently ‘* Caweus,”’ her pet Rook, came fluttering amid the leaves, an nto caw. Rvusy offered him bits of Bath bun, and even a whole three-corner, in order to keep him quiet. jut he remem his treatment at ast, and refused all these bribes with scorn. He declined to be petted, he continued to hover over the tree, and ci around it, giving vent to the most discordant shrieks. Presently she heard the elear measured tones of her Mamma’s voice saying, ‘‘ Rusy, come down at once. I know ou are upin the elm.” Cawcus, whom she had maltreated, had diene her hiding-place. Rusy dared not disobey. Quite subdued, and with garments grievously greened, she descended. Mamma took her little daughter indoors, and improved the occasion. Rusy eventually appeared, with tears in her eyes, and subsequently apologised to her governess recited the page of French phrases without a mistake, an promised to be a go rl. Though she sometimes forgot herself, and was rude to Miss Domne afterwards, she never failed to treat (awcus Rook with most profound consideration and reverence. TO MELENDA. (A Set of Verses accompanying a Photograph.) I nEmEMBER—do you ?—the remarkable sky light That flooded hs leoeeel one evening in iar How together we talked téte-d-téte in the twilight, When the glow of the sunset had faded away. Then gon shoved me yous . I looked at its pages. With yourself as my and companion went through Its contents—there were of all sorts and ages, But,the portrait I fancied the most was—of you. ; And you saw that 1 did. Which perha was the reason Of your “‘ No!” when I asked ‘' May I have it?”” You swore You were going to be shot at the close of the season, And you dn’t spare that, as there weren’t any more. But at length I prevailed, or at least you relented, After ever so many excuses—in fine We agreed to a compact, you only consented On condition I gave you a portrait of mine. Well, I promised, of course. And I write you these verses With your face—you ’ll forgive me—quite close to my own. There ’s a charm in your look that completely disperses All my cares in a way that is yours, dear, alone. And although I am pleased, since I won in the end—a More ridiculous bargain has never, I vow, Been arranged than a picture of y Mecenpa, In exchange for the photograph sent to you now. We did not meet again through some horrible blunder, Which a merciless Fate must be asked to explain, And I sometimes sit smoking, and wearily wonder If I ever am destined to see you again. Yet wherever the future may possibly find you, To this final request do not answer me Nay, When I ask that this gift of myself may remind you Of the friend who was with you that evening in May.

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| ADVANCING | Why yes, it was in ’43

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocroper 1, 1892.

BREAKING THE ICE. Scuns— Public Drawing-room of Hotel in the Engadine. The Hon. Mrs. Snebbington (to Fair Stranger). “‘ Exciisn PEOPLE ARE 80 UNSOCIABLE, AND NEVER SPEAK TO EACH OTHER WITHOUT AN INTRODUCTION. KNOW THEM AFTERWARDS ! I ALWAYS MAKE A POINT OF BEING FRIENDLY WITH PEOPLE STAYING AT THE Same HorTEL. ONE NEED NEVER

ADVANCING YEARS, (How it strikes a Contemporary.) [*‘ Owing to advancing years, Mr. —— has been ompelled to resign his position as——” Eztract fro wn any Daily we | It cannot be. the boy I’ve known— God [bless me ! That first we met, and—since you press That's close on fifty years ago ; {me— The time has sped without my 4 Like some deep river’s silent flow, Since Jack and I first met at College. "Twas on a cloudy Autumn day Fast fading into misty twi light ; The freshmen, as the Loa to pra Stepped bolder in the eve s a Night. As yet we did not break the rules In which the College deans immesh men, rom a score of schools, We fi The ke Gece s brood of freshmen. Like one who starts upon a race, > The Chaplain through tho eprvics scurrie rom prayer to prayer he s a I marked him less the more he hurried. My prayer-book fell—my neighbour smiled ; Reversing Newrow with the a I, by that neighbour’s eye ed, Quite lost my gravity in chapel. And so we smiled. I see him still, Blue eyes, where darting gleams of fun shine, years ! What, Jack, d.

A smile ae sme translucent rill That sparkles in the summer sunshine, A manly mien, and unafraid, fair face, and square-set That made him on the Ki pean The cynosure of all be: And from this slight irreverence, Too small, I hope, to waste your blame on We grew, in quite a Cambridge sense, A sort of Prrmias and —. Together ** a. awe framed by elderly / And I was six, and Jack was stroke, That famous night we bumped the ohnians. How he was, how fleet of foot, Ye Dalle ogs witness, and ye Proctors ; How bright his jests, <4 aptly put | His seorn of duns, and Dons, and Doctors. We laughed at care, read now and then— | Though vexed by Evciur on the same | Ab, 1" men in those t When Jacx sollues | We days were men ore gowns at Cambridge. paid our fines, we paid our fees, And, though the Dons seemed stony-hearted, We both got very fair degrees, pa Se, Be seis Peeaee, we pasted. And rhea We sid good-bye at Int | I vowed th to hanes And more than forty years have | Simee each set eyes upon the And oo through all these changing years all their thousand changing faces, Then failures, hopes, su fears, In half a hundred ‘lifferent places, Jacx still has been the same to me, As bright within my memory’s fair book me when we met in ’43, nd smiled about that fallen prayer-book. Ah well, the moments swiftly stream — | through the upturned hour- I’ve lived my life, and dreamed my dream, And quaffed the ‘sweet, as now the sour glass. oy old and spent my mind strays back a peer paths fresh-strewn with roses, And I would see my old friend Jack Once more before the curtain closes.

Aywouncement.—The Earl of LatHom who, bes quite six feet or more, cannot be as Small and Earl- Tg the oe stone 4 “The © and Dumb School for N. Now the Deaf and Dumb are exceptionally cheerful and It is quite right, therefore, to this rule establishment, and that the ‘‘ Cross Deaf an¢ Dumb” ones should have a — to them- selves. Prosit/ -tempered. exceptions ee ould be treated in a separate

A Hrtenty-Portsn’p PERFORMANCE. —

Hewrry Inviwo as Le Juif Polonais in The Bells,

a

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el PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Ocroner 1, 1892. ie TUNA | } NW NW) NY WW NY ‘ih N SYR LLL bo sy it = ' tee — i: i) 7 , i TUNING THE HARP.

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—_—— | Ocroser 1, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 153 A FRIEND TAKES ME FOR A QUIET DRIVE. His listening care, did . Jacko of forest Bo “slate” a foeman his head was " that to rave rant, like scullion ~ > : eet hes eS, : x ir—say descendants, | 1. “Don’t be alarmed, Jack—it’s only her way. She always a Does Club does this at starting. Never knew her to come over.” = Seno oe i etthond ‘f . ‘4 e? | Then pardon, Ganwer ! | Apes, though found in Are not, of course, poli- tical partisans. Tired of the Club-room’s incoherent rage, One pines for the Gaboon, and Gar- NER’S cage. For what arboreal ape rage and rail Like him, with fieree ladstonophobia pale, | 3. “ Look sharp, Jack, and get the reins from under her tail That Smoke- m- or we'll have an accident !’ ian, though without is a tail! === ‘THE PICK OF THE | BASKETS. Tar Daily Graphic | published '& epecifi , x, a Ger- ef . idently ‘Our /@ |pick’d man of coun- ; / g | tries.” As it is some- ,\,. | thing to drink, and not ito eat, the inventor is under no necessity to be known henceforth as a-oa= a ~—at ee a hel 5. “ Better be on the look-out for a soft spot, old chap!” 6. “ Now this is the second time she bas turned me out | experiments has just here!” | ‘*so much the worse for I But eackh ly all round, for the fi dis sa” the thied } xf ‘ ut imitati tute for the first vowel in “* i m a eccie eote HOUSE ; Till their speck hath an automatic sound. of iho wae, and it is of fst the poor ba- > » Cage serous Chub, Pat the dread name of Gi-pst-wx in the slot | cillus suffers, and dies. As the poet Gnos- eorEsson Gaxorem oes to the Gaboon Smztrcwevs calls his mouth, and rabid rot | smiTH sings of the German Rhine,— ‘o garner Monke -; @ dubious boon ! | Wi i i i Tong of the Fatherland, mer Teamp inane cheges | Of abuse would make a bargee blush. | a Wie babble of baboons, the chat of | Suexrunevs is a soldier, and a swell, Gives the greatest pain inside. hy hang, Sir, up a tree, in s big cage | But—the Gaboon can scarce surpass Pall- | However, the Bacillus is an enemy, and if Simian speech, which in our Mall | he can be got rid of by grape-shot, pour it in coarse peration. ’ And yet perchance your forest “pee roe Seurters, eommee » a cast aside! P. 2 paeqe se ae D.” shrink think, | Pheugh in hi , would usi ovel. panion Silent chat of apes who never wide rao a — Sea, by Mrs. Macizop.

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PUNCH, OR THE a CHARIVARL. [Ocrossr 1, 1892, INNS AND OUTS. eaaplch? ¥ retthe out Donmaswrrs, No. [V.—THE WINDOW-SHUTTERS. i gutturality of that “ wach" os ; still no “ And efery time he gif « shoomp, Ae make de winders sound.” ats gold-franeht lance from my emer as ordered I po not allude to the white wooden Venetian work that shades Donwxnwitz’s knife is +8 the Grand Hotel windows. Se ) ee that ~ nefly epeeking, in- mates of the Grand Hotel may be divided into two classes — the window- openers and the window- shutters. The former are all British, The same Britons who at the Club scowl at a suspicion of draught, and luxuriate in an A on atmo- sphere, * the foreigners ” in ie respect. We have a national reputa- tion to keep up. We are the nation of soap, of fresh air, of feondescending dis- content; and when we are on the Continent every one else, including the native, is a foreigner;” we carry our nationality about with us like a camp-stool ; we squat on it ; we are jea- lous of it; it is a case of "* Regardes, mau ne touchez This patriotic obtrusive- ness culminates in the Battle of the Windows. It is an v ive evening. The @ Héte-room is seeth- ing like a caldron; a few chosen conspirators and myself open the campaign early ; we ‘© ADOLF ‘the wink. ” at diplo- matist orders the great window to be half ned. If things go smoothly, he will gradually open out other sources of ventilation. The Noah's Ark procession | files in—all shapes and all languages, like the repast iteelf ; Dowwemwitz, lar- Takrx, Surersorr, Scam- PpeLini; there is nothing in common between them— save the — collar; they would hail international declarations of war to- morrow; but the sight of us, and that speck of air leagues them. * Mein Gott, Die Englinder !” coughs Deswanwens ; “Ce sont de fanatiques enrhumés !” hisses TarTarry ; Snrerts- orr sneezes the sneeze of All the Russias; * Corpo di Bacco!” cries Scampa- met still nothing is done ; the so called from the predomi- nance of rain-water—ebbs away in the commingled smacks and gulps of the infuriated Powers; ** Sau- mon du Rhin, sauce Tar- It is of the clique who insist on shutting chokes him ; with the towards the Teuton; “ Ach, and strikes again ; wos i iH F yell and spring ERP RAP ae inUle E ah gs Ht ae Af if vescent deliberation. — Mister CQ = dIISSNAC este COMMERCIAL INSTINCT. Original Genius (soliloquising). ‘Lon, IT "ID BIN A CROOL SHAME TO MISS AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIs ‘exe, Tue Gov'NoR OUGHTER LEMME Tuat Jos!” ave Tew Bow on | full tare” is being a apportioned to the knives of all nations ; pe em of idee tos taly won on tm me; ** Of the sight of his knife, from which soup only is saered, that the fuming Dowwerwrrz to lead the attack. “ Hst!” he hosts to\ and “climb down ; the studiously unheeding Apotr ; “’nother bottil Pellell—ver’ wal and, as I rf away sare!” chirrups ADoLF reassuringly to me; Dowwerwrrz raises his — m= knife ; I fear for the consequences ; he it down with a clang on the hardened tumbler of the Grand H tel; the timid —4 naire of numberless summers starts and grows pale; SHrRTso y was an in pL hear Piva Hoch sere tiously, and T er yoR ahoost on de terass ; plenty {reese !”—and you pay three francs extrs, ———

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| i | | The air, will run in their | While « - = you shines pros- | jon the back from | quate. a oe St e evening was Decide | eulogies of Ocroser 1, 1892} S16 H NO MORE, LOTTIE. ‘The disinfecting process has ruined all the dresses of Miss Coutins.”— New York Telegram.) . Sien no more, Lorri, sigh no more Those gowns have gone for ever ; . You’ve cut some capers on — shore at expected never Then sigh not so, but let them go And “ss you blithe and bonny, Converting all your sounds of woe To Tarara - boom - de nonny. Sing that vile ditty yet once more, And win almighty dollars From tom w have of te hile frills, cuffs and collars ; heads like O'clock, till it aates the same ache. Your a hw de hay make | At THE PATTENMAKERS’ Baxecrt.— At the Court Dinner of ay held at Le ite, Se Worshipful Master, Sir oe Drv- rioLanvs (now Master of Horse at Lane), were plentiful, and he had a con- siderable amount of = au Patten, an English stitute for Perdriz au chou. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR GRAND YOUNG GARDNER (HERBERT I1.), Ix nis New Cearacrer or Tax MInisTER oF AGRICULTURE. ( With Song)—"' Here's to the Health of the Barley Mow |” 155 SONNET ON CHILLON. ( Where the electric light is now installed in the dungeon of Bonivard. ) Execraic lighting, dear to = in this d ! in ungeon witzerland, thou art Teo mad oe | quite x > trains, that rum- ust behind, And V Samene, in my To even besos had been To scare wp, Hveo, SHELcey, in a huff ; Make Brnow cast his poem to the wind ! Chillon, thy prison may be- come a With li marble tables in a row, Where tourists, dressed with artless English grace May drink their ony or café down below And foreign penknives rapidly efface light is meant to show. | Mvsrean Nore.—The most tranquillising, or even som- niferous melodies ever com- | posed, a _ been those a i ~ celebrated | LULL. e first thing by Luiir was a “* Lulliby.’ | _ —— New Worps to aw Op Towns (anp A SYLLABLE TO spare). —- Song for the Secretary for Imetanp: |"** Tisall for luck, h bould Rory O Mor-tay ALL THE _ Diverse — | between “ Sir G. O, M.” | and * The G. O. M. ” EXAMINATION PAPER FOR A PRESS CANDIDATE. (Witha ree ee ee 1. What are the cipal duties of an Editor? State what would do if you wore clalted te base of ie idlewine Minds -t)) a friend ; (2), an enemy; (3), a proprietor. 2. Show how a politioal arti article may be written, saying as litle ax possible in the greatest amount of ? Give a ‘ writing round a subject” without ots 3. What are te duties of Dramatie rite F Show, Show eda Yt article, ie, how 5 caitique of a bad pla vel ontiefnction’ te er, the | Company, and the Publi ? at e Gest of | are the le coe War? Give a short deseri descriptive article of a battle written in such « wi t manner that the readers of your paper ma yee tting shot as a spy, or drummed eat of camp wa ormer. ren the | hat are the dation, of a bp notices of books :—(1), Athor is your tfiow ‘fiend, bat Stiet ten the Publisher ; (2), when or is your it you to 2),7 ou mate the writer, but 4 offend the peaaaee; Gi Ses yon ; as the distributor, and (3), when Jou know nothing of the the | ve ume and its ucer, but suspect that the Author reviews for another periodical, and that you may possibly get an order from his —— introducer. P hat are the duties of a Musical Critic? Show how it is casible to write a most scientific notice without being able to distin- guish the National Mascaeni’s “* Intermezzo,” or * The W edding March,” from “* The Blue Bells Scotland.” Distinguish the difference ln-ed 4“ difference between “* Own Commissioner and Our Own wn Correspondent” and’ Our Special Reporter” and » |* An ae x ea Contents. ” Give the rates of rumuneration (if | sng? = art steiligence ?” Is it affected by the rise and all of a the pee, t columns # a 9 between Speciall municated” and a paragra 9. Give the statistics (if (if you s - gate) | the number of aspirants Show that a ay be to location thal = smal] certainty in the City is better than note Fleet Street. 10. Write an essay upon the subject that Journalism is better as a ‘tik than « crutch, and show that i in ules bes our pen you ve not already provided (from other sources) for pay- ss | cnant of your butsher'e bedi. ney in TO FOOTBALL. Begerreae to Soe, Cricket, Sach warnings are vain, last match is o'er; For thy rites we prepare, of | Th Wy bat, ball, and x Seen. | Youth is yearning again py de yo ay “Te thy sister we turn, or her coming we pray : | Her ppers burn ee limbs and black eyes, May, perchance, | be our lot; For the heat of the fray. ae Goddess of | But grant goals and ties And battle, Too sacred to Yet hated of Ma(r)s, With AL posts, cots, ball, and field, How ceaseless their tattle is no winter game Of tumbles and scars! To which thea canst yield. New Trawstation—“ Very cuorce Iratsas,.”—** Sotto voce ;” 1.¢., in a drunken tone of voice. es

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Ocrozzr 1, 1899, | AN EN-NOBBLING SPECTACLE! Being some account of the Prodigal Daughter of Drury Lane, Cuarrer 1.—The Tea-urn of the Hunter. Srr Joww Hewry Nevitte Woopmerr was the most conside- rate of men, and he had a very considerate family, and a large | circle of considerate acquaintances. He was obliging to the last Lane Stakes. Everybody up. degree. Among those he knew, and to whom he owed a deep debt of gratitude (for they had furnished him with an old family mansion, a stud of racers, and passes for himself and circle to Paris) were Avevusre Le Grad, and Heya Le Perrrrt. “My good friend,” said Henri, “ your daughter is charming. She has been well brought up, and has the finest sentiments ; it is necessary that she should run away to Paris, and dodge the parson. Otherwise, how could she be called The Prodigal Daughter?” Sir Jom saw the force of this reasoning, and consented. ** And stay,” said Avovsre. ‘we must really have a good set, and | you must go a fox-hunting. You must have armour, and a breakfast, | and all of you must wear hunting-coats. And look here, we can’t do without flowers, and coats-of-arms, and open windows.” ** But,” objected Sir Jonun, ‘if I am going a fox-hunting, surely | it should be in the winter or spring. And how about the flowers?’ ** You have got them from Nice,” replied AvevsrE. So it was thus arranged. Sir Jomn’s daughter, who was called Rose Mititwargp Woopmeng, eloped and broke her father’s heart. | ** But,” exclaimed her bereaved parent, preparing to mount a horse that was waiting for him on the lawn the flower-beds, “although my heart is breaking, I will show the world I am a true | English gentleman by starting off to head the chace!”’ | And he said this out of consideration for Avevste and Hewxt, because he knew they wanted what is technically known as a Curtain. | And by this means he gave them one. Anda one too. Cuarrer Il.—A Uittle Trip to Paris. Awnp then Sir Jomw and all his considerate family and acquain- | tances went to Paris to stay at the Grand Hotel, which seemed | have been surrendered to them (at convenient times) for their special use. Sir Jomw was accompanied by a most useful villain, who the depth of his depravity by wearing a moustache dye. So that this DexPwaTER. “ Sir Jomn,”’ said this villain, ‘ | with Captain Harry Verwow, and you should trounce him.” “*T will,” replied Sir Jomx, heartily ; ‘* but surely I have seen my | daughter, and my niece, and Captain Harry Borys Verwor, and the Hon. Jotian Keioat Betrorp, and Lord Hagry Nicnoits Bawperry (a comic Peer), and his wife (a converted Quakeress), and Duper J. L. Sanve Rorgr, a wicked but amusing Hebrew, hanging | hat Cannot we meet for two minutes, and set everything to- rights ?” ‘* My dear Sir Jouw,” returned Mavaice Ferwanpez Deerwarer, “* pray consider yourself mistaken. As you say, if we all met together for two minutes in a room, the whole thing would be settled. But to|/ A showed of the deepest | 73] epth might be better known, he called himself | Awyp Sir Jonn and his considerate circle acted up to their principles ‘your daughter has come to Paris | then I am distinctly under the impression that AUGUSTE LE Graiyp and Hewat Le Perrirr would be confoundedly annoyed.” “Oh,” exclaimed Sir Jony, ** i you think they would be annoyed, do not say another word about it! ’ So the various characters gave one another a clear berth, and missed each other at the nick of time. : 4 But after awhile Ross was left alone with the Hon. Jritmuy ELFORD. ** It is not very clear to me why we haven’t married,” said he. “Nor to me either!’ she replied. ‘‘ Wedawdled a bit, and I dare- say put it off because what one knows can be done at any moment is not done at all.” to the British Embassy?” , with some hesitation ; “ but I really 7 oy marry my cousin. I fancy it ENRI.” ** Anything to oblige them,” returned the Hon. Juniay. “ That settled, leave me, as I have to fall in a dead faint—must get an effective Curtain, you know!” The How. Jutian Kwtont Betrorp nodded his head, and then Rose Mrtitwarp WoopMeERx fainted—with the desired result. Carrer III.—Cackle v.’Osses. The Favourile wins, Anp now Sir Jonw and his eonsiderate circle had come to England, and were close to Liverpool. ** My dear people,” said Hewnr, ‘* never —— love-making, never mind your plot, leave it to Aveustr, he will pull you through. And Hewrr was — right. Avovusts went to work with a will, and did them through. He took them to the Grand National Steeple , and showed them and all the world a sight the like of which they had never seen before. There were es, real touts, and a real winner. Oh, how it went! It was hificent ! And, before this great race, Avoevustr (helped by Hewnt this time) showed a training-stable, and how a favourite can be nobbled. It didn’t in the least matter why it was done, or where it was done. [t was a lovely sight to see somebody or other giving the wrong horse beans. And the horse liked them, and eat them with a zest, and felt none the worse for them. On the contrary, the beans seemed to give the creature sufficient vigour to carry on the running until Oss-tentation ; or, “ Giving him Beans.” Christmas at Drury Lane, with a trot to Covent Garden to follow, and then back again, perhaps to the old quarters, up to Easter. “Ah, that will make all thi right!” cried Avovste. Voluptuary will carry the whole of us —Authors, Menage. and ctors—to victory!” And he was right—Voluptuary did carry them to success—a gigantic one. Cuarrer IV.—The Means justify the End. to the very end. ** Rose, come to my arms! ”’ said he, to his child ; ‘‘ you have been | prodigal enough, it is now time for your reformation and conciliation. ** Then may we marry? ”’ asked the Hon. Jutran. ** Certainly |!” was the reply. And the other couples were also satisfactorily accounted for. ** Are you contented ?”* asked Sir Jonn, of Aveusre and Heynrt. “How does it end?” was the answer, taking the shape of 4 question. y “ Happily for all. Not only for us, but for you and the Public y.” And Aveuste, Hewes, Bor and Coz, and in fact everybody who was anybody, were satisfied. As indeed they should be. eatnatens oo Cotati, whether returtied, not even w accompanied there will be no exception. a se —_—— or Pictures of any deseripcion, will MS., Printed Matter, Dra Addressed pe, Cover, or Wrapper, To this rule Stamped and

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PUNCH, OR TRE “THE LONDON CHARIV CHARIVARI.—Ocrotak 1, 1692. NE MERCHANTS AND GROCERS. Y BAR AND RESTAURANT. ~ CURIOUS OLD peat WHISKIES ? b . 8S yous te vest, 120/- ot “Mat - ‘Authe rity, in recom- erate use of Whis ky, states unt should Whisky used weil matu ured. on application WOREL BROS., , COBBETT % SON 210, PICCADILUY; 18 & 19, PALL LL; 143, REGENT Whisky Bonded Stores, Invebness, N.B. THE “G. B., +B bees WHISKY ar. Isnot stored in Sherry Casks. BITES, GOUT, & + NET ¢ om, ainly seems to deserve its name.” —La» 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. GEO. BACK & GO., Devonshire Square, London. (MEDICALLY RECOMMENDED ovoes CA OLD IRISH 1 find ft to be - v free from fusil we rcellen (OF ALL WINE MERCHANTS. A MULLARE C; DUBLIN. S. & H. HARRIS’S | S. & H. HARRIS'S HARNESS COMPOSITION |, EBONTITE —), i ess oe __(Waruarncor). SADDLE | PASTE PORiSaIEe.. Jot aTERT ROOT) LUXURIOUS FINE CUT BRICHT TOBACCO. UAM-VAR ‘MACHEN & CAMERON'S PENS WHISKY. THE FAMOUS OLD sCoTOH. They come as men, The Pica wies, the Own, and the veacer Pew 64. bad is per Bim, ab au Sample Box of all . ae by Post Waverléy W , EDINBURGH. jeaty 6 Gov erhment Uftices | Penmakeft to Mer THE BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LocH. | Highest Awards. | Recommended by the Medica! Faculty “| COLT’S NEW TNWES & GRIEVE, EDINBURGH snd LowDow. UNITED STATES :/OTARD S ARMY & NAVY REVOLVER FAMOUS V.8.0.P. BRANDY. ot i ame 3 cal. Ep Ss. per Don Caeh. rtridges BOTTLED IN COGNAC, AND VERY CHOICE SUPPLIED BY ASNOLD, PERRETT, & CO., LD., Pamit: ¥Y WINE wane HANTS, Ta, LOWER BELGRAVE STREET, LONDON, 6 AND BRANCHES for House Prot other US cther sai “ETA at cnT! MACAZINE RIFLES. "pr - and Small Game, Kogk shent tier, are u jacourae unrg halle’ Ver vipras ity @ COLT’ e. REVOLVERS are used all « e List fre coLrs. 7IRsanes. ¢0., 2%. Glasshouse a. Plocadilly Cireas, Londen, W arget Gentlemen should tr TAAFFE & ‘COLDWELL': Perfect, sore pent free fs = Tey ae eal ms st, ALL FAT PEOPLE Should take big —y i Lem ag | Meg.) The onl Bend ls, #4. & y safe cure THILENE CO., we, Viasbory Petbemes nt, london EFRINGS sci? MEDAL CopENHAGEN (HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur, d col Dw hens » De RN BRILL’S and ‘cr Moad, EC lid. per an «~SEA Bracing and s A LT. a Ts a htnd Camera experidliy desirned tor Amateurs. It is the most compact intr \ ment made, and with it the largest nt umber «| of exposures can be made with the Jear nu ae 6 aes. Hy PICT! RES SQUARE OR BOUND. a NO PREVIOUS KWOWLEDCE OF PHOTO- CRAPHY IS WECESSARY. “YOU PRESS THE BUTTON WE DO THE REST.” mit strated CATALOGU zB raee Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH RED AND BKOWN LANELA ELEVEN YEARS OLD. This Grand Old Whiskey blend 25s. the Gall., 60s.the Doses. gt von DELICATE. CHILDREN. a SURES CHEMICAL F000, The Ofily and Originai venaeae Wood. The rae imitations, which After 2 eer iy “on aa “ine , ortats al and une onotiibe i he Most essential ing . in Bottles, ., &. a ent &., ebtainablo every wher SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majeat STREET, LONDON y's Chemists, 415, OXFORD D.NNEFORD'S, MAGNESIA ter ACIDITY oF ts MEAL HEADACTIF, Gut an Bold throughout the World “The Medical Profesmon stroagty (ec ummen SALUTARIS WATER, ee ee, CXFORD STREET. Paris: 4. Piace Vendome. Sic Viace Orimabkt ees ——

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Ooroszs 1, 189 2. THE MEDAL of the SANITARY INSTITUTE] OF GREAT BRITAIN | (1892) has been awarded to ~Vinolia” Soap. “ VINOLIA” SOAP—Premier, 4d,; Floral, 6d.; Balsamic, 8d. ; Toilet (Otto), 10d. ; and Vestal, 2s, 6d, per Tablet. | “VIOLIA” SHAVING-STICKS—Toilet, Is., 1s, 6d., and 2s, 6d, ; Vestal, 2s, 6d, FLAT CAKES—Toilet 2s, 5 Vestal, 4s 6 . ““VINOLIA” SHAVING FOAM (in Collapsible Tubes)—Toilet, 1s, 6d.; Vestal, 2s, 6d. fee tL eh ee eg a