Punch 1892-09-10: Vol 103 Iss 2670

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“ect printed |“ Mir, Punch’s” Prize Novels. by &.c. LEHMANN. 4/6 and attractively bound, | “Mir, Punch’s” Young Reciter. by F. ANSTEY. 3/6 each with “ Punch” Hlustrations “Mr. Punch’s” Model Music-Hall Se7¢** 4/6 Dramas.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV {L—Sepremper 10, 1892.

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SeptemBer 10, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109

WHY I DONT WRITE PLAYS. From the Common-place Book of a Novelist.) Because it is so much | pleasanter to read one’s work than to hear it on the Stage. Because Publishers are far a == to deal with than Actor-Managers. Because “behind the scenes” is such a disap- | pointing place—except in Novels. | Because why waste three weeks on writing a Play, | when it takes only three years to compose a Novel ? Because Critics who send articles to Magazines in- viting one to contribute to the Stage, have no right to dictate to us. Because a fairly successful Novel means five hundred | pounds, and a fairly success- ful Play yields as many thousands — why be infiu- enced by mercenary motives ? Because all Novelists hire their pens in advance for years, and have no time left for outside labour. And last, and (perhaps) not; , mm least, Why don’t I send in { Va a Play? Because I hove WV ee Si) | tried to write one, and find EQUIVOCAL.

I can’t quite manage it ! AccoRDING'to recent ac- counts, the attitude of the Salvation Army in a may be fairly described as

His Wife. “‘Ler vs Hops FoR THE BEST, DEAREST!” Rising Young Physician (who cured so many Patients in last year’s Epidemic). ‘* Not MUCH CHANCE OF MORE INFLUENZA IN ENGLAND 74/8 Winter, I Fancy!” A DIARY OF THE DEAD SEASON. Suggested by the Contents Bills.) Monday.—First appear- anceof “the Epidemic.’ Good bold line with reference to Russia. Not of sufficient importance to head the Bill, but still distinctly — Tuesday.—Quite a fea- ture. Centre of the Bill with sub-lines of ‘* Horrible Dis- _ " and 1, es.” poems om. To be further developed to- morrow. Wednesday. —Bill all Even Cricket | * Epidemic.’ | sacrificed to e room for jit. ‘*News from Abroad.” | ** Horrors at Hamburg.’”’ No idea it would turn out so well. A perfect treasure- | trove at this quiet season of the year! hursday.—Nothing but ‘pidemic —** Arrival in — ‘* Precautions | Everywhere.” Let the boom go! It feeds itself! Nearly as good as a foreign

| war! | Friday.—Still “the Epi- jdemic,” but requires strengthening. in “ in the Provinces,” but still, not like it was. flat Falling Saturday.—A good sensa- |tional Murder! The very hing for the Contents Bills. Exit “‘ the Epidemic,” until again wanted.

** Revolting.’

SONGS OF SOCIETY ; I._INTRODUCTORY. TO MY LYRE. Our answer is: ‘* That may be true, But boudoir bards have nought to do Save with the surface.” Some luxuries yet are left to sing, The Opera-Box, the Row, the King, And Golf, and Coaching.

Not e’en the Socialistic scare The dandyish and the debonair as quite demolished ; Whilst Privilege hath still a purse, There’s yet a eabe for flowing verse, And periods polished. If Insew, Bettamy, and Gronor, Raise not the boudoir critic’s gorge Beyond all bearing, Light lyrics may she not endure, On social ills above her cure, Below her caring ? Muse, with Society we may toy Without im grief or joy, Or boisterous merriment ; May sing of Sorrow with a smile ; At least, it may be worth our while To try the experiment. Quire THE Taesie Giovcestex Cuerse ! | —The Three Quires’ Festival this week. [Do | the Three Quires appear in the Cathedral ? | If so, as each quire means twenty-four sheets, there ’ll be quite a ‘* Surplice Stock.” (“Smoothly written vers de Société, where a boudoir decorum is, or ought always to be, pre- served; where sentiment never surges into passion, } and where humour never overflows into boisterous merriment.”’— Frederick Locker's Preface to“ Lyra Elegantiarum.”’} Dear Lyre, your duty now you know! If one would sing with grace and glow Songs of Society, One must not dream of fire, or length, Or vivid touch, or virile strength, great variety. Among the Muses of Mayfair A Bacchanal with unbound hair, And loosened girdle, Would be as purely out of place As Atalanta in a race O’er hedge or hurdle : Our Muse, dear Lyra, must be trim, Must not indulge in vagrant whim, Of voice or vesture. Koudoir decorum will allow No gleaming eye, no glowing brow, j ‘y No ardent gesture. < | — Society, which is our theme, Is like a well-conducted stream _ . Which calmly ripples. We sing the World where no one feels Too pungently, or hates, or steals, Or loves, or tipples. And should you hint that down below The subtle siren all men know Is hiding her face, | Cowrmmevrion sy Ovr Own “ Mover | Hassaw.”—Puzzle—To find “three Single Gentlemen rolled into one?” Answer—bdir Evaw Suiru. LEzplanation—Sir, You, an’ Suirn. [(£zit Motey Hassan going to Bray.

Wur ought a Quack’s attendance on a | patient to be gratis /— Because he is No-Fee- s1cilan. And therefore, though Society feel The Proletariat’s heavy heel Its kibe approaching,

VOL. CTIITI. L

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[Szpremser 10, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

YY “Dh. 7 ey, SW rh ea aw \y \\ we { “7 \ p> s SNA Ys ~~ WH » \\ ; i i i, «~ > EF % c Udi PS 4

““ LA-BOUCHE-RE(-NARD) ET LES RAISINS.”

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ServemBer 10, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A MERE PREJUDICE. Tourist. ‘‘I sEE YoU EMPLOY A GOOD MANY WomEN Azour HERE, FARMER.” Farmer, ‘‘Have to po, Hanvest-Time, Sir; nur For Mvysety I mucH prereR Manvat Lanovr!” MORE REASONS FOR STOPPING IN TOWN. Commodore Buncombe. Because I know those infernal Tentonners, and — Chartreuse jaune only makes me worse. | William Sikes. Because of the gross incompetence of my Counsel, } and the ridiculous adverse pre- possessions of the Jury at my re- cont coe in public at the C /* | McStinger. Because there’s bonn braw airon the braes of Hampstead, | and it costs but a bawbee to get | intil it. Fitz-Fluke. Because, since that awkward affair at the Roulette Club, my country invitations haven’t come in, Capel Courtney. beastly bucket- all our business. Bumpshus, M.P. ‘Because the Lords of the Treas (shabby crew of place-hunters) declined to adopt my suggestion, and to place a r, thoroughly well found, victualled and overhauled, at the disposal o any Members of the Lower House whose profound sense of duty, and of the importance of the Imperial Federation idea, impelled them to take a six-months’ trip round the world at the nation’s expense. Theodore John Hook Straight. Because of the old trouble—‘‘ got a complaint in the ehest.” Because those ops have col PHILLIPOPOLIS. Toper Major (over their third bottle of a Orand Vin). | shay, ol’ f’ler, neksh year thinksh’ll go see ex’bishun at Ph- Phipp—at Philup-popple —— Toper Minor. I know, ol’f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppe —poppo—— oper Major. Thatsh it—shams place. Have ‘nother bo’l! __ EThey drink. “Tue Srercu or Mowxers.”’—Professor R. L. Gaxnen, who is a great hand at “getting his Monkey up” (he was natu- rally a bit annoyed at being, quite recently, accidentally pre- vented from giving his Monkey lecture), is about to commence operations by adapting the old song of “* Let us be Happy ther” to Monkey Language, when it will re-appear as us be A Together.” It will be first given at Monkey Island on mes. CRICKETERS WHO ovcHT To BE Goop Hanvs at PLarive a Trx.—"* The Eleven of Notts.” UN-BROCKEN VOWS. | Watrvrers Brocken Night at Onyutas Nepeegunct SSasea — ! Jupiter Pluvius suspen and celestial water - works — awhile to make way for Terrestrial Fire-works. ‘*T rs’s can do it when it likes,” as all Martin-Chuzzle- witers know, and Br can do it too when he likes. propos of Dickens’ quotation above, it is on record that Mr. Pickwick was once addressed as “Old Fireworks.” the commentary thereon, somewhat objected to the term, unless our Pickwickian memory fail us—which \is not improbable—but Mr. Brock _ would appropriate it to himself with pleasure, and be — o the title’ as the Living Skeleton said.” Despite wind and weather, and con- tretemps generally, Brock has never brocken faith with the public, ** Facta non verba”’ is his motto: and “ Facta” means (here) Fire-works. “Great Brrrarmn anp THe Gri- pert Istanps.”—Captain Davis of |H.M. Serew Cruiser Royalist, on 27, formally annexed ‘ The | Gil Islands.” Where was Sv1- oo At fA*, it — Sir Agree, aving annexed as a was unable to interfere? Will | D’Orty Canre explain ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Serpremper 10, 1899. E Monkey here ? Dear me, | THE MENAGERIE RACE. Scenr—The terrace wn front of Hauberk Hall, which the LARksPurs have taken for the Summer. Time—An August afternoon. Miss Srerta Larxspcr—a young lady with great energy and a talent for organisation —has insisted upon all the Guests taking partm a Menagerie Race. The Rev. Ninian Headnote, the Local Curate (to Mr. Pivmixry Dorre—after uneasily r egarding Miss SreLia, as she shakes up some pieces of folded pa oa had). ). Can you give me any idea of the precise nature of this — sh a resembling a gambling transaction, I su Mr. ener D a | We each be expected to tak some sort, and drive it along with a string tied to its leg. malo childish to me. The Curate (relieved). Oh, exactly, I see. Most entertaining, I’m | P sure! (He coos.) What won —| one sees in ever- fresh pastimes, do we not ? Miss Stella. There, I’ve ivuffied all * the animals now. (Pre- senting the hat.) Mr. Heapwore, will you draw first ? The Curate. Oh, really. Am I to take one of these? Charmed! Ue draws.) ‘7 I wonder what my fate-—— on the pa The —~ [ ( as falls. 7) there Monkey ! " interesting : "Dik Gatling (of H.M. Gunboat ** Weasel"). ; a ght him over - & last cruise a Colombo. No of a jolly little beast—bites like the —l|h , you know! Miss Stella (to her Cousin). Now, Dick, I won't have you taking away er Jacko s character like that. le's only bitten Buyws—and, well, there was the gardener’s bo7—but I’m sure he teased him. You won't tease him, will you, Mr. Heapworr? The Curate. I shouldn’t dream of it, Miss Sretia,—on the contrary, I—. (To himeelf.) Was it quite | discreet to let myself be drawn into this? Shall I not risk lowering m office by publicly associating mysel wi a—a Monkey? I feel certain the Vicar would disapprove strongly. Dick (te Colonel Kewr- | row). Drawn your animal | yet, Sir ? | man in peace and quietness | this? Here am I, routed The Colonel (heatedly). Yes, I have—and I wish I’d kept out of this infer- nal tomfoolery. Why the mischief don’t they leave a . ! | sb on a hot afternoon like on, Bt eat’ out of a comfortable seat LA to go and drive a con- “ founded White Rabbit, Sir! Idiotic, J call it! The Curate. Pardon me, Colonel Kemrrow ; but if you object to the Rabbit, I would not at all mind undertaking it myself—and you could take my, Monkey—— The Colonel. Thanks—but I won responsibility enough for me! ‘he Curate (to himself, disappointed). He's afraid of a poor harm- less Monkey—and he an Army man,too! But I don’t see why J— Miss Gussie Grissell, Oh, Mr. Heaprore, isn’t it ridiculous! They’ ve given me a Kitten! It makes me feel too a bsurdly young ! The Curate (eagerly). If you would prefer a—a more appropriate animal, there’s a Monkey, which ] am sure—— (To himself, as Miss G. turns away indignantly). This Monkey doesn’t seem very pote there must be someone here who—I’ll try the American ady—they are generally eccentric. (7o Mrs. Heser K. Banos.) I a Fortune has been kind to you, Mrs. Bawes ? Bangs. Well, 1 don’t know; there are quadrupeds that can trot ~ al over the m mile ‘than a Tortoise, and that’s my anima ; The Curate (with sympathy). Dear me! That is a trial, indeed, or you | I should be most happy, I’m sure, to’exchange my M ARP | go and catch my Peacock “It makes me ce too — young!” Dick Gatling (bustling u Hallo, what’s that? No, no, Mrs. Baras—be true to your Pescies. tell you he’s going to =p in— isor’s tip, don’t you know? I’ ve backed you'to win ora I say, what do you think I’ve drawn—the Mutton! Just ‘my be uck | Curate. Dick, just come this way a moment—I ’ve a proposi- tion to make ; it’s occurred to me that the Seabey wunkd ted oon —more at home _~ ou, eal, in short, I—— Mr, Plumley Du to Miss Cryruia CHAFFeErs). | shouldn’t have minded an animal—but to be paired off with a Goose Miss Chafers \ ). You're better off than J am, at all events—I ’ve afer Mr. Duff. ave out (After a pause—sentimentally.) Happy ‘Mine oa He’ll be an but a Pua Mr. Duff. Oh, but > Pda 9 Bay ctr Pu 5 C. I’m not so sure of that. Don’t they lodge objections, or something, for boring ? Mr. Fanshawe. Can an sughady inform me whether I’m expected to seme I'll be if —- he Curate. Miss STELLA, _ all get at GaTLIne -e would be better if he undertook Go eee! himself ; so we’ve ar- iss "Stella. Oh, nonsense, Drcx! I can’t have you taking advantage of Mr. Heapwore’s good-nature like hat, What’s the use of drawing don’t keep to them ? if . Heapwore will keep the Monkey. uM lot with Christi - tan Tr Dik Well, that's settled but I say, STFLLa, "where ’s ae! Mutton’s i and what ’s —_— _ be the Stella. The course is straight up the Avenue from the Lodge to the House, and I’ve told "Gen to get all the beasts down there ready for us; so we'd better go at once. Tae Starr. The Competitors. StRLLA me Sone, mustn’t Miss GRissE.t tell tell her ki not to et mae enen s head ever time he es poor noseout? It isn’t fair, and it’s dampi a his enthusiasm ! . . Now _. TON, it isn’t the Puppy’s fault—yo know your Rabbit began it! . Sretra, hold on a bit, my “Mating wants to lie down. Mayn’t I kick it up!... Durr, old jn your + is dragging her anchor again, bac her engines a bit, or there ’ll be ; foul. ... Miss Srerta, I—I reall don’t think this Monkey is uite we —his teeth are chattering in such a very... All right, =~ on le nasty ‘tem r —jer 8 chain. More than that! Gates. My word, I wonder what ew. Ain’t Miss Sretza orderin’ of They ain’t not ag to f° t Te given to undertand that we shall | Puppy if he oat win. , if I was your Chorus of Spectators at next the gentry ’ll be up to, I ’en about! — s started ’en. ittin of ’ just wheeriver the animiles want. guse is takin pe yar yp A, Well, fives Vaid! That theer tartus gits a J he? Passon don’t seem com’fable along o’ that monkey. I’ the young sailor gent—keeps that sheep wunnerful s' dy, he do he yy there s the hold _s =e a bust now. Well, fine doin’s for’ sang © mistake. wee old Sir pated stare if he was ’ere, & The Colonel loretiex to his Rabbit, which will do + Sie ~ run round and round that, will you, you little fool. you want to trip me up! Of ait the ashed nonsense I ever——! Mrs. Bangs. My! Colomel, ou db a to have got hold of a pretty gst greet kind of a ‘Babbit, to i. - is Colone ing round) e you aren getting m pace out of your Tortoise either, if it comes to that! Mrs. Bangs. He puta in most of hie time in for rest and ‘refreshment. I’m to believe that old fable’s a frand. But if you would prefer something — = re exciting, Anyway, , it euton this Tortoise isn’t going to beat any hare— SS => |. bee oe ef wor’ aS

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—_—— SerremBer 10, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Dick Cm (in | gont, as his heep halts to crop the turf ima leisurely man- lner) We've not pulled up—only ly- ing-to to take im | supplies. We're | ing ahe i y: There, what did I tell you! Now she’s tacking ! | The Curate(in the rear). Poo’ little | Jacko, then—there. there, quietly now! Miss STe~La, what does it mean when it gibbers like that? Sotto voce.) I-won- der, if I let go the chain Mr. ee his Goose towar MissCHAFPERs). It’s no use—TJ can’t keep this beast from bolt- ing off the course ; Miss C. Do keep it away from my Puppy, at all events. | I know it will peek | him, and he’s per- fectly happy licki my shoe— he ’s foun out there’s sugar- | candy in the varnish. Mr. Duff (so- | le mnly). Yes, but I say, you know — | that’s all very well, | but it’s not making running out of my Goose. Miss C. Rather in-and-out-running, isn’t it ? from the rear.) But what is the matter now? Curate again ! The Curate (in agony). Here, I say, like that? You’ve mi ahead like fun, when FansHawe’s Peacock hoisted his alongside, and it was neck and neck. Only than the Mutton, and stuck it out, he won let’s have it all over again ! (But the Monkey being up a tree, and the Colonel having surrep- | titiously got rid of his Rabbi Tortoise having retired within his shell and firmly declined to come out the scarcely Srom remaining to tea by the pressure of parish-work. Scenz rrom Tue Raxe’s Procress, him race, is it? Now I am getting some (Cries of distress That poor dear To the mast-head we nail the Burge,* When the north snores its dismal dirge! In the trough of the sea with a mighty splurge, The quiv’ring Yacht beats down the surge, And weathers the Warner Light! do help me! Miss | This experience having inspired me with courage, I indulged s jumped on my in another flight of daring which required all the aplomb of a i] of Fashion to carry out successfully ; and, though few of the ‘‘smart” Ladies of my set habitually indulge in the habit, |I am happy to think I am encouraging them in a healthy and |amusing pastime, which, in the Summer, may in time even rival | Lawn Tennis! However—not to beat about bush any longer— | (what an utterly absurd ——— is is!—as if it could hurt the bush to beat it !—to say nothing of the difficulty of keeping a bush | always handy to beat !)—it is time | told you what this great achieve - | ment of mine was—I went paddling ! There !—the secret is out !— the Fashion is set '!—the new Summer Amusement discovered! The Rules of the Game are bar Bese and will shortly be published under the title, ‘‘ Routledge’s Etiquette of Paddling, for Ladies of Good Standing.” 1 need hardly tell you that the first thing necessary is to find a secluded bay, and it is also advisable to collect a few children to take with you—(there are usually plenty left about on the beach from which you can make a selection)—as a sort of ex- somebody ! Sreta, do speak to your monkey, please! te back, and it’s pulling my hair—'ow! (Most of the Competitors abandon their animals and rush to the rescue, Dick Gatling (coming up later). Why on earth did you all jack up a splendid finish! My Mutton was forging il, and drew as he had more neck by a beak. Look here, it among the bracken, and the again, sport is abandoned for the afternoon, to disgmsed relief of the Curate, who w prevented cuse ;—no other implements are required for the game, in fact, LADY GAY’S SELECTIONS. Deak Mr. Puncn, Once more I am back in my jed-~d-TERRE, i don floor !—ridiculous | —and very glad to get home last few weeks in the Isle of the latitude of Spithead—(I don’t know any latitude, but it seems to take a good | how it can be a flat on the fo Char-d-bancs, and letters ! zee, -_ we tra orty-five degrees Yaeht Club !— While there we suffered severely from Regattas; which swarm in the Island at this season, and are hotly the deadly telescope. Bacteria, and very painful it was. My MANN, owner of the Anglese to ing a Semmeied 0 go ras and singing the war-cry of the Koyal Victoria superfluities are a nuisance and only get wet—thus equipped the game can be played with freedom—(not from pebbles)—combined of course with propriety, and will be found amusing and invigorating— ss » (quotation from the preface to the Book of Rules written by the London “‘ pied-d-terre’’—(but | eminent German Doctor, Hexr Sriasnenwasser—inventor of the t quite know, considering it’s a) Water-Cure. yus language French is to be sure!)| The next Race meeting requiring attention takes at Don- ain l assure you. I have spent the | caster this week, and the most im t race, I take it—at least, J ht, which is a British Possession in | don’t take it—but the winner will—another senseless expression— hy ee lhe is nat rally the St. Leger, for which iL... a poeti ic selection, - Nabe . whie cost me weeks of anxious t, no “leger” task! Pirates—the latter disguised as Lodging- | —(French joke)—owing to the number of horses engaged, so few of which will run! Yours devotedly, Lapy Gay. Sr. Leexr SELECTION. _ The best of the classie events of the year We are told by the students of ** form,” Is a foregone conclusion, ’tis or clear, For the noble possessor of . © This should really be Burges, but then it wouldn't rhyme, and a Poet may drop « syllable, if he or she mayn’t drop an H! Mount Street, Grosvenor Square. rsued by the visitors, with I myself was bitten once by the Regatta friend, Baron Vow Hoper- on board for a thirty miles sitting at an le of

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i ee — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. se |Sepremper 10, 1892, THE WOMAN THAT WAS! Monsieur le Maréchal (who, during the Forties, was a dashing young Military Attaché at the French Embassy in London). “‘ An, DUCHESS, AND DO YOU REMEMBER ZE 80 BEAUTIFUL YOUNG Lapy Mary Gwewpoten Vere pe VERE, ZAT EVERYBODY VENT MAD ABouT VEN I VAs IN Enetanp! Vew I tTi~k oF ‘eR, MY "EARRT BEAT EVEN wow!” The Duchess (née Mary Gwendolen Vere de Vere). ‘On ves, Monsteve tz Marécuat, I REMEMBER HER ONLY TOO WELL!” M. le Maréchal. ‘‘ Vat 'as secaue or "gn, Mapawe ta Decnessz?” Her Grace (with a sigh). “ Ettwe W Est PLvos!” STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY. complain if he failed to include in them an \comas of the work of a Poet who has No. V ‘shown our —- how rusticity and ae rhymes, ca tive convic- Ir may be objected that Mr. Punch’s | tions, ped ee may be com- fifth example does not strictly conform to! bined in yerse. It is searcely necessary to the canons laid down by him in his prefa- add that the author of the following tory remarks to No. |. Mr. Punch neither | nificent piece is Mr. A-ra-p A-st-». Li admits nor denies the charge. He is con- | others might be he has not the vineed, however, that those who do him the honour to be an agricul: labourer ; but honour to read these Studies, might justly | no living man has sung at greater length of vere) Héo, and its chngte jos. | Many of his admirers have rod gg AA rilein ought to have more than one - that Mr. A-rr-p A-st- he to be among the number. Others are prepared to uite sofar. They ae Oe | dignified an aspiring a helpless through the those wilful, wanton his BK The EB ~- H-.-. 4 Be | tight out na q - over example, whic e way, is Irom ai eed edi | works. ition of the Poet's | IS LUNCH WORTH LUNCHING? jb oh (By A-fr-d A-st-n.) Is _—. worth lunching? Go, dyspeptic | Where i in the meadows green the oxen | munch. Is it not true that since our land began The pa ox hath given us + -* for unch ? Steaks rump or otherwise, the prime sirloin, Sauced with the s ing radish of the horse. Beeves meditate and die; we | Tee eek tan bod bu chee tough aad | We os p. wey through whose bold British | | | Bold. "British hearts drive bubbling British | To eat the patient chewers of the cud. | Or seek the uplands, where of old Bo Pee (So runs the tale) lost all her fleecy flocks ; | There raid shepherds tend their grazing | No true-born Briton, come what may, dindains | (Some — like mutton, some prefer the ox). | Ay, surely it would need a heart of flint o watch the blithe lambs caper o’er the lea, And, > weetins them, refrain from thoughts 0 Of new potatoes, and the sweet green pea. Is Lunch worth lunching? The September thou lag Forth to the ‘mubble, nic; take th , And add the juicy iS to tay te Out in the fields the been apes planes n away they wy fy. They fill their crops, and yore in stew, cious in a pie. are sometimes d always quite Or aie a ~ on some —_ day, en take o berries an Add cream and —gn—on pats | The luscious joys of this delightful tart ’ Is Lunch worth lunching? If such cates should fail, Go cut of country bread a solid hunch, Pile on it cheese, wash down with country ale, And, faring plainly, yet enjoy thy lunch. Yea, this is truth, the lunch of knife and fork, The pic-nic lunch, spread out upon Lanches of beef, bread, mutton, veal, or pork, All, all, without exception all, are worth ! NINETY-NINE OUT OF & Howprep Candl- DATES MUST BE **Pritep,.”’—The Living ** Easington-with-Liverton, Yorkshire, worth £600 per annum,” is vacant. ssn = the celebrated Dr. Cocxix ? or of sun Makes answer “‘ Yes;” no longer must | ARTER, of Little-Liverpill-Street fame ? | |

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_-——- —————— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szrremper 10, 1892.

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st pees Oe eng BO

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Serreuber 10, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117 PLAYFUL HEIFERVESCENCE AT HAWARDEN. SONGS OUT OF SEASON. ‘Mr. Guapstows met with an extraordinary adventure in Hawarden Park one day last week. A No. IL—KEW-RIOUS! heifer, which had got loose, made for Mr. GLapstows as he was — the park, and knocked him Ir’s th jown. Mr. GLADSTONE took refuge behind atree. The heifer scampered off, and was subsequently shot.) a pleasure worth odene —_ Jnamns has doffed them “’orrid knee- things ; Plush gives way to tweed and socks; And a hamper with the tea-things, Fills his place upon the box ; With Marr, Janz, and Hema, Ana they rine archos re Who in the sweet dilemma, make the most of Jamzs. Mr. Coacuman smokes his pipe on / ~_ we Ronee pride, through driving, keeps an eye pon the revellers inside. | Mrs. Coacuman there is seated ; ildren twain are on her lapped, Who alternately are treated, And alternately are slapped. While the painters haunt your mansion, And ee * Hap” “The Halps” or oe ind,” ; Your domestics find expansion In diversions of the kind ; And on such a day as this is, nk ll drink the health at Kew, Of * Master the Missis, " , and _Z No cow-herd am I, but my staying : ; ’ G. O. M. sings :-— To play second fiddle i s And their bloomin’ kerridge too! ’ How happy could I be with heifer, Singing (to myself)—With my tol de rol If sure it were only her play. tol-e-rate Lanny, &c. Tae Patiium anp ArcuieriscopaL OaTH Is't Lassy ? or Labour? Together maar , Controversy 1x THE ‘‘ Trmes.”’—No wonder Inone? I’ll get out of the way. Don’t chivey her! I would allot her this is a very dry subject, when they 've got Singing (to myself)—With my tol de rol de Three acres, and lots of sweet hay. such a strong TuuRst-on among them. Our rol Lassy, &e. Alas! while I’m talking, they've shot her! | advice, by way of moistening it, is, * Dropit!”’ h On her horns she is pla: 8 why ieee on oer, ak pe "aioe “enna She comes! On her horns is playing inging (to my as before)—With my a Pain o ” A tune with a flourish or two! de rel-licking Lass, &e. ye ie Sa DP yy tee Latest.—After dinner, Mr. Grapstows fell asleep in his chair! He was seen to smile, | Ogre § Co. :— although his repose seemed somewhat disturbed. Presently he was heard to murmur ** Fee, fi, fo, fum! melodiously the words of the old “ong, slightly adapted toe the most recent event,—‘* Heifer I smell the coin of a Clergyman! of thee I’m fondly dreaming !” en a shudder ran through his frame as he pronounced; Hath he fat glebe, be he ill-fee'’d, ill-fed, softly a Latin sentence; it was “‘ Labor omnia vincit'” Then he awoke. 1’ll grab his fees to butter my bread !”’ A NIGHTLY CHEVALIER, Mosic-Ha.t Artists are not by any means “ Fixed Stars.”” During the evening they manage to aceomplish the somewhat paradoxical- sounding feat of shining in the same parts, yet in different places and at different times, appeari al a with undiminished bril- liancy. The Student of the Music- Planetary system, has only ol he fevouriaa Cloke nemteesion teal ten te oan El eee j vlayed The Porter's” Knot | of his fayouri ight j tar, money, y ) ’ bye i and sanding, and like a true aatro- i i more do Music Halls want than | homer, he wi in a strong glass —await great i | event of the oval , calmly and contentedly. | Ifthe Wirtuous Westender wandering down theStrand, after having on some previous nights exhausted the Pavilion and the elaborately | for awhile a resting- i and be amused. ee one will drop i will find excellent entertainment, programme holds the field. The eight him on other nights, shine all around ; but for the with Tibur, he may, with* Horation humour, self” being not a bad audience as a rule) :— “ Holborn Tibur amem ventosus, Tivoli Holborn,” and he can then enter the Tivoli, now under the i that old Music Hall Carolus Mortowtvs, igens, while the experi Mr. Vexwow Dowserr— Jnosett”’—manages the . Good as is the especially good as is the of Mr. CHARLES ‘2 old Chelsea Pensioner recounting to several little Peterkins

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|SzptemBer 10, | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

oe eS ee A ~~ ot) Ne eggs!

Sa. = "7 Ho0g sow STARTLING DISCOVERY ON THE YORKSHIRE COAST. Young Tripper (on his first visit to the Sea, becoming suddenly conscious of the ebbing Tide). ‘‘H1! Britt! Jack! T’waTTer BE A RUNNIN’ orr! By ovum, Laps, Bur Al Bet sue'’s BRussEN sOMEWHEREs !”

THE POOR VIOLINIST.—An Episode, in the Style of Sterne. | “Le Luthier de Crémone,” observed Evoentvs, “ is a pathetic ‘* Indeed, Evexwivs,” replied Yorick, ** it is extremely touching. | I protest I never read, or hear it, without emotion.” “The violin,” pursued Ecoexrvs, “most sensitive, and, as it the Ww were, soulful of human instruments, lends itself, with particular poverty~ “stricken ! Perhaps. But not the les aptness, to the purposes of literary pathos.” agonising. What comfort may Political Economy and an admirable * Dear Sensibility!” said I, ‘‘ source inexhausted of all that is| | Poor Law yield to proud-spirited victims of poverty ?’ precious in our (portical) ) joys, or costly in our (dramatic) sorrows!” “ But surely,” said I, “‘the compassion of the stranger would ‘It were we continued Yoricx, drily, “if it were also the | gladly have oil and wine into the wounds of his spirit—o source inexhausted of more that is quick in our sympathy, and into poor afflicted Marta’s—had he only known.” practical in our beneficence. It is scarcely in the columns of the “Doubtless,” said bb mao * But ‘the great Sensorium the daily news-sheet that Sensibility usually seeks its much-sought | World,’ as—in * mere of words’—thou dost designate * Dear stimulus. And yet but lately, in the corner of my pa » Ten- | Sensibilit » did not vibeste’ to the case of this ‘ well- countered a piteous story that ‘dear Sensibilit had it more Violinist "—until ’twas too late to vibrate to any romantically environed) might deliciously have luxuriated in.| He was ‘found lying dead i I protest twas as thetic as those of Manta Le Fever, or La Fieve, | exeeption ef his hat and boots,’ mute as the It was headed, Death of a Well-known Violinist.” | his own violin. ‘He had died suddenly from “ Prithee, dear Yoricx. let me hear it,” cried Evoxntvs. ‘failure.’ Heart-failure, Evernrvs. Doth not thy “ "Twas ‘but the pe x report of a Coroner’s Inq uest,” pursued | fail at the thought? ‘Dr. Cottey found the oy =D Youricx. ** Sensibility we — yh ae have ‘ skipoed’ the sordid | | mage of ea and life had probably been circumstance. ‘Faeperick Maxtry, aged seventy-two, a well-| the preceding t.’ Prithee, Sir, 2 known Violinist, and Professor of Music, formerly a member of the | pensive under her orchestra of the Italian at Her Misa. s and Covent Garden =. fying sme : Theatres,’ feund life too for him atisall. ‘ The deceased, a bachelor.’—Heaven help him !—*had of late been afflicted with ** Those,” "continued orick, “* a go, like the ‘ Knig Ruefal Countenance, ’ im quest of penny adventures. deafness, which hindered his it of “hie profession, and’ (the witness an old friend feared) ‘he was recently in straitened cireum-|to make deliberately ‘Sentimental Journeys’ stances, but he was too proud and independent to ask or accept | Italy, or by forest or mountain, pi assistance.’ The old friend, Mr. Lewis Caapvy, Comedian, had stream. iis e an i a a. Rw Z iit

‘frequently offered him hospitalities, which he never Offered him hospitalities ! Worthy comedian! In faith, Everntvs, ‘tis delicately worded. True * Sensibility ’ here, supplemented by Soerediy ricpendeat epinit of he bot 3 ~-t4 - yi spiri t jecting onNsON in dead violinist apparently ily, Evexnrus, the story ‘decorative art’ of i literary sentimentalist to modish. emotional historian of La Fieve would have made much " “My tle heart * But the | — me ORICK ; it.”” heart already bleeds with it,” said I. the sequel, my friend?”

a sa Fis a whole world better—for aed ot to Se soul ad for this dead Violinist, but were mi F|

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Oe Seprempen 10, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

wi be) é = : a 2 : of < a WwW F 9 5 Oo a 77) 5 2 2 a

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oOLD M 120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Szprempcr 10, 1892 , ———_| LL | Gd trish

aH

other phil ers their eyes and ’ LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. a he YD a fire was being poked on an entirely wrong iple, but I Ho, XEE<G0 REST araes. knew how it ought to be poked. My aus Principle my whole bar N I AVE just come home from my Club in a state baeaey woes tingled with excitement. At last Dr. Fraser ceased. is amet - distraction. No great misfortune ban bogpened 6 maa I was One my Gat and mating 0, busine Sas Se peeee. I just friend has not been black-balled, the Clu bere hen ach Sangte managed to beat the other two by a short head, seized the poker, and his unrelenting ere The waiters have been. they relieved my soul by stirring the fire on strictly scientifie pri always are, civil and the excellent c ell with The others watched me hungrily. When I had finished, hig on el skill to my simple fe mi em my companions were | took a short turn with the poker, and then we all returned, more good-humoured, cheerful, tly cynical. then, you less appeased, to our seats. F H may ask, Se hsgeand illibe ay sterant? » j for the day ? It is a simple matter iy page en to | was on the top of a step-ladder. Slowly he selected six tomes, ani confess it openly. But | am encouraged the fact that two began his perilous descent. Our Pda bested roe him. Crash, Fy

lal 5 3 2 eminently solid and, so far asI could see, perfectly unemotional | bang! His pay agg he books fluttered entlemen were as deeply pricked and worried by wha’ t happened as and clattered to the floor ly descend was same To bean with, I do not admit that my nerves vibrate | nto the cloud of dust and gather his bruised treasures from th more easily than those of my fellow-men. I have never killed an | wrest. At last he heaped them on his —_ and began to write,

organ-grinder, | am guiltless of the blood of a German band, I have | W iy bed 4 but it was not to be. A sudden thooghit sires 10 BE even so far as to spare guards who asked for my Sa Ma him. e would sew his scattered leaves of MS. together. HOT after I had wae —_ up for a journey, and no tout- dreadful “deliberation he took needle and cotton from a little a ing vendor of tion housewife that he carried with him: Agen works of art can trath: ully say pag A si 1 and then one of the most mad- %. have kicked him. On the whole I think dening ormances I have eve

1 am reasonably even-tempered and of higher than oveaes amiability. Others may judge me differently. I don’t wish to quarrel with them. I ely reiterate my opinion. Why then am I to-day in a seething state of exception to my rule? Here is the cause: Anes aes Sone with with ny. 4 o~ pu a friend! ceeded te thet yoom in the Che Phi specially dedicated to literature silence. What a feast of swaititediness priodicals is there A — out, how ightly the variegated array of books from the circulating library attracts the } leisurely, how dignified and awe- inspiring are the far-stretching ranks of accumulated volumes u the shelves. And the carpet, how soft, and the chairs how comfortably easy. Into one of these chairs I sank with a religious novel (I merely mention the fact, whether for praise or blame I care not), and began to think y about various life- »blems that have much distressed me. Wh hy must men wear themselves out prematurely with labour? Why must we suffer? And why pranting the necessity for pain, should occasionally sink under a toothache, while Hanr- nIsON, a blatant fellow with a red face and a loud voice, continues in a « tion of robust and oppressive health ? These speculations = not 80 Yoimed. = : and disturbing as be 7 su what Fussexi might have to say, |

» Fy ded into m al slowly m4 in Faw to drop with a fatal tal oviftuees into = hocts as the trium t Seale another victory. began to imitate

4 Contin reeptible cotton. I felt i a ible elt in my ows WA. pest all the ardour of the onal Pe the bitter sorrow of repeated failure. My two companions in misfortune wer rm ep TA three sane an men, fev through all these itching mow ments with Fussext as our detested, but ereptom ‘a The strain chair, “ Bir’ Teen

Indeed, they had a rom{the™, |from the room. And here consequently I sit with my nerves and the closed a0 of eee macchais, td | te and an untasted crumpet cooling on the tea-tray ; that they were similarly oceupied in philosophic io pellestion. I was| AmI singular? I think not. There are others whose mannerisms ust composing myself tea bout of specially hard thinking, when, plague me too. For instance, TrusERry, whom | meet occasionally, lo, the door opened, and in stepped Dr. Fussexs! a wild and venomous habit of relating to be me his infini preva Everybody, I take it, knows Dr. Fussert. He is a member of jokelets. That I could But when, having related one, b Ie per countless learned Societies. Over many of them he pouiins, some as he always into a helpless suffocation of purple Son he acts as secretary. He reads papers on abstruse con- ter, the savage within me awakes and I murder TrusexkY 2 wa nected with sanitation, he dashes with a kind of wiGcanwheral eer manent relined and pretractel Onee, “_ into impassioned per controversies on the component elements as him on with his overcoat, he joked and exploded. My of a dust particle, or the civilisation of the Phe He is ~ were horribly near bis t throat, But I ar the impuls, nt 4 acute, dialectical, scornful and furious. He denounces those ele = agate seg _ never know how near he was to destructi oppose him as the meanest of mankind, he extols his supporte to make ma he is one of the kindest and most cov- t e most illustrious and reasonable of all who have ened the airtel helpfal of of aman beings. Oh, Inerrartow, [xrrra ion, yo" human race. In the Club he is always ise from ks Pid have much to answer for. Th the ointment of the apothecary tion which keeps him continuously ski bares, aa 'wasa baby toyon. Avaunt, pn he Drocenes Rossy.

shelf, climbing up ladders to reach rg nai and down-stairs with sheaves of mgt or stowed under his arms. He lays his py 5s Tae very Larest.—Mrs. Ram had a paragraph read to her frat makes it a receptacle for reams of ty volumes of ble, and the D. T.’s “London Day by Day,” recounting how the Arch- essays. In a word, he is a human storm, bishop of CanTERBURY when sta at Hadte Bears, bed « attended | ell, in he came with his grey hair streaming over his forehead, ervite in the parish Ki aS cad conduct might have ; vas out of the question, though 1 still ast on, bopton agabee hope, | Eicmon’® Whisks Inerer aiiaeieris thes che ka was out of the question sat on, ope. mmon. it over 5, W First, the Doctor bounded to the fire-place, seized the poker, and ee hot ee es our old friend Mrs. R. began to rummage the fire. It was a good fire, and had done some humour, that she thought "*t “ the Archbishop had shown nothing to deserve this punishment. I shifted on my seat; the two scents by going to the House of Rnamet.” CH NOTICE. Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by o Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this there will be no exception.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARI —Serreucss 10, 1892” D eee Ee ariessenk QOLD MEDAL, es. mus MEDAL, KINAHAN’ AN’S. LL AND GLENISLE The Cream of “4 fish Whiskles. seotch Waiehy Sell. ~ WHISKIES. mD STREPT, LAMBETH, SE. (oe) ane "ailing Se LOTION H. CLAUSEN & SONS CHAMPAGNE LACER BEER. Brewed and bottled in New York. BTAINED AT THE PRINCIPAL HOTELS AND BESTAUBANTS. Agent, H. A. BRUNETTI, % SEETHING LANE, EC. Waters Continue to ke supplied to Her Majesty the Queen, OF IMITATIONS OF ROTH AND BROWN LABELS. BEWARE RED FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY LD CHAMPAGNE. FLORILINE. MR TEE TEETH AND BREATH. ee te eel "h the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE , in the World. al events the decay of the TEETH “ ems the Teeth PEARLY WHITE, . eetly harmiesa, « le to the Taste = y composed of H , and extracts in weet berke ers and 2 fall (bemists and Perfumers throughout the ” world. 2s. é¢. per bottle “ LORILINE TOOTH POWDER only, " Potup im glass jars. Price is. " only by Prepared The Anglo American Drug Company, Limited, 3, Farringdon Road, London, E.C. ENERIFE (SAAS ) GIGARS. ANOS PEDERAI us Weed ol a bowel the bi Jwicate. (Awarded Gold Md, Aromatic, edal x Dt loma.) — 2% India House), and 143, Borwick’s “Baking = lie avar O. (Ltd), 49, Strand, Cheapside, E 7, PICTUBES SQUARE OR ROUSD. i NO PREVIOUS KNOWLEDCE OF PHOTO- CRAPHY 1S NECESSARY. "YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, WE DO 3eE REST.” ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUB FRER The MATERIALS 00, Li., Doris: 4, Pince Vendome. Sige" Psa Fay Ofmaisi a) Brandy. ALL WINK MEBORANTB AND GROCERS. AT EVERY BAR 43D RESTAURANT Reware of Parties offering imitations of MACNIVEN & CAMERON'S PENS They come boon and to The ee eee ee alte Carene Pew 64. and ls per Box, at all Stationers. Semple Rot Of MIT Kings, Ys. IG by Post Waverley Works, EDINBURGH. Penmakers to Mee Bajasty : » Povernmes) Offices SAVORY and MOORE'S BEST FOOD ror INFANTS | the Tobacco im fine smoking Sold only in 1-ounce Packets, and 2, 4, § ounce, and 1-1. Tins, which & ¢ ho other condition. Ask at all Tobacco Sellers’, Storés, &c., and SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED AGAINST IMITATIONS. The Genuine bears the Trade-Mart, “ Mottlaghen Castle,” om every Packet ae4 Tis. PLAYER'S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, is Packets containing 12, sad Boxes of 94. The following extract from the “ Review or Revirws,” * Nov., 1800, is of interest to every Smoker THE PIPE IN THE WORKHOUSE —The picture drawn by our Helper of the poor old man in the workhouse, puffing away at an empty pipe, has touk hed the hearts of some of our correspondents. One who dates from the ne Alps, and de roms, *“ Old Screw,” says: “T have been struck with Jour sag- gestion in the October number of the Review of Reviews for a scheme to supply smokers in union work houses with tobacco. 1 am afraid, judged by the ordinary standard Iam the most selfish of mortals, as I never give a cent away for purpe of so-called charity , but this scheme of yours appeals at once to the sympathics of a hardened and sppanes = smoker. Were | in London, I would at once start a collecting- bos for the fund, and levy contributions for it on my smoking acquaintances, but, unfortunately, my vanes me to be g Wanderer ceehdhe Peutianea for the next pine months Il can, however, 4o a little, a4 would like f Gontritute @ pound of what I consider the BEST §MOKING TOBACCO, viz, SS\| 258 a8275 - Powd e7: TIT” ar AND F *PLAYER’S NAVY CUT (this is not an advertisement I enclose, therefore, a cheque for the amount.” eal 26, Glasshouse 8t.. CGULUGNE j BRA KN ) Wholessie, KR. HOVENDEN & BONS, HKerners Street, W , and Oity Head, B.C, unequaled for mpidi COLT’S REVO carried off all the highest FOLEY ty {ad Edin burgh, and bin in 10. Price I yory less materials. Iv Tunes Tiwve Blanche Naburgie Rachel. To be had of Chemists Perfumers, &c for House Vrotection, Travellers, and for Military Vurposes, takes Wiey 6 8 Kapres end all other & cal tol Cartridges LICHTWINC RIFLES. Yor Large and Smali Game, Hook shooting, and Target Practice, are unsu accuteey and for ac VERS o., y Cirens, London, W.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Szrremszn 10, 1592. NICOLL. OUTFITTER. LADIES’ TAILOR TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. 114 to 120, REGENT STREET, and 22, CORNHILL, LONDON. PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. 10, MOSLEY STREET, MANCHESTER, 389, NEW STREET, BIRMINGHAM. 60, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL, NOVELTIES FOR TRAVELLING AND AUTUMN WEAR. GENTLEMEN. LADIES. Sv ting w from #53 3s.,in an extensive selection of new rough-textured Nicouw’s Patent Ripinc Sxirt, with which dragging is absolutely ials, for Sporting and Travelling wear. impossible. ( arisen VERCOATINGS, and TROUSERINGS of the best manufacture. CostuMES, JACKETS, CLOAKS, &c., for Travelling and Autamn wear,» N1coL..'s world-famed Overcoats, for all Seasons and Climates. Every | novel and original ro lescription and size kept in stock, including the new Racing Coat. Ladies’ Ripineé and TRAVELLING Hars in the latest shapes. Bors’ GARMENTS a Spécialité, from good durable materials at very moderate prices. Bequiste Motel, Portes Pit. Guarantont Wear. | i" CHAR CAMERON, iD, mp te Renin et Oo a ADAMS'S lS Vl "campus. FURNITURE i af NEAVE'S S.. EQOD z= the THE OLDEST _ae Tease Ges Mzpais wmited kingdom & colonics Sess at ices raises SAVAR’S and frequentiy cue china, | influensa. One Cigarette | TEFUL “ CuUBEB “x Lap stm | CRATEFUL—COMFORTING, Full directions All Chemists. | _ LUXURIOUS FINE CUT BRICHT TOBACCO. CO & OA “MY LADY'S HAND’ should be smooth and soft, not rough and wrinkled aad poules, 62. 6d. per Hox PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. red :—the face the same. Use, therefore, “ Vinolia” Soap. It saves the skin. Our new idea. Invented and patented by us in 1888. Made at “Vinolia” Soap Works in hundreds of tons. Delicious scents. Delightful action. Creamy and salt. Don’t be misled into using any other. The only soap with EE ee Se others have cribbed. which exhaustive scientific tests are supplied free. Why! Because it is the soap which will stand them. Premier, 4d.; Floral, 6d.; Medical, 84; Toilet, 10d.; and Vestal, 2s. 6d. a tablet Cream Soaps are our idea, which Printed rings Sager Se: ot Ne A Feqaige Rend Reteret, ip Sop Torch of Os Bary, Wmeten, she Comaty of hag ot the Frinins Often of Memes Breteey, Agere tan