Punch 1892-07-30: Vol 103 Iss 2664

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ss AWBU CK GaP The New Volume in the “Jorrocks” Edition of the H HANDLEY Cross Sforting Novels is published to-day, with » | a number of Illustrations and a Coloured Frontispiece. At G R A N G E all the Booksellers and Railway Bookstalls. Price 4s. 6d. cs ‘BONZd SBSYHL BOI t ‘\ H iN) ) 6 4 PU LONDON. CADBURY'S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. NO CHEMICALS USED. Kegistered at the Gemral Post Office as a Newspaper.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juxy 30, 1892.

, 7a the Author of © i” Jomn Weatacott Are TILLOTSON. 3 vols., et 1sbreries PR ee — 4 readahie foo ss “ plot fall of dramatic possi bili tee o~. Poor Lole is an artist, 4 Woman, aA yeieally and mentally her fingers Lee Review eplendé 1 the tips « Dy Jawee Bowen, Author of “ * By the Western Sea.” JOHN WESTACOTT. Ch. Ed., s 4d Fxqeisite literary work harmingly written, and very interestin ‘ aia” Entrancing novel Liveare & Lew & On., London, and all Bookartiers TOURISTS and OTHERS.— eat faving in Travelling Expenses —Ten to is per cent saved on Hotel Hills in about 4 fret clam Hotels in Greet Britain ane ee Se Cont nent, without the slightest t preju sdiee, to the purchaser of a ie ANNUAL HBCRIPTION TICKET App q for pri of the INTER NATIONATI — te Score & Jecneom (Limited) t, Charing ritaie ; or Suusase Cross, 8... Agents for Great a * (Limited), ), 38, Gracechureh 6 Street, THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, 74 Millions Stg. FOR PROTECTION LNIWLSIANI P EDINBURGH, 58 George St. (Head Office) LONDON, 83 King William Street, E.C. a 8 Pall Mall East, 5.W DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street Branches & Agencies in India & the Colonies Wirsgeoun PRESENTS. The 5 COMPANY,1i n arte Exhi of Honour (GJOLDSMITHS' COMPANY, 112, Regent ae W. BENZINE COLLAS.—Ask for “ Collan. NS GLOVES.—CLEANS DRESSES CLEANS GLOVES.—CLEANS DRESSES. CLEANS GLOVES .—CLEANS DRESSES BENZINE COLLAS.— uy “ Collas.” es + BS TAK, O PAINT, GREASE EMOVES TA oll. PAINT, GREASE. rhe M FURNITURE, CLOTH, &e BENZINE COLLAS.—Try “ Collaa.” ee the word COLLAS on the Label and Cap. hatra refined, nearly odourless On using, becoming quite odourless BENZINE GOLLAS.—Ask for “ Collas” Preparation, and take no other d edai he only Geo bition seo, and the ross of the Legion Sold everywhese, 64 .\s., and} «had Rotthe Agents: J Ganon & Sons, & al » Oh ord Street, W FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATH. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the T Renders the Teeth PEAKLY Is I

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Juuy 30, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 37

A RESULT OF BEING HOSPITABLE. ScenE— Small, but Fashion- able Club in West-End. Algy. Waiter! bring me a brandy-and-soda. Don’t feel up to the average to- day. Hughie. Late last night ? Algy. Yes. Went Mrs. CRAMMERLY’S Dance, Prince’s Gate. Goodness knows why I went! I don’t think they ’ll get me there again in a hurry. Charlie (waking up from arm-chair). Were you a victim too? I didn’t see ' Algy. No. Because I probably left before you urrived. I had had enough of it in an hour, and came on here to supper; not be- fore I had nearly poisoned myself with a concoction that old CRAMMERLY was asserting loudly, was an **?80 wine.” Charlie (laughing). Ah! | my dear friend, J had been there before, and knew the ropes. Took pretty good care to steer clear of the wine, and got a chap to give me a whiskey-and- soaa. Uninvited Member. May I ask where was this charm- ing Party ? Algy. At the CRAMMER- Ly’s, Prince’sGate. Colonel CRAMMERLY. Uninvited M. Colonel CraMMERLY! Let’s see was he an old Crimea man ? Algy. No!—He was Colonel in the Bounders Green Volunteers. (Roars of laughter.) You know ** CRAMMERLY’s Starch’ — made a fortune out of it. Charlie. He must have ques a bit of it last night. hey say the flowers alone cost over a thousand pounds, Enter Captain O. Re O. Talking about the Colonel Crammerty Party, eh? (Yo Unin you there ? Uninvited M. (very satirically). Oh, dear no! ninvited M.) Were smart enough to warrant select circle. Capt. O. By Jove, you were well out of it. (Addressing the Club | generally.) Did—you ever Charke H their men from. Algy. I faney they discover them in the City. Jack. I never met—such shocking Capt. O. Too dreadful for words. they must have been relations. :: Jack. By the way, did you notice that there was a bounder’’ who was reversing ? eat indignation). No!!! Uninvited M. (with Jack. 1 tell you it’s a my cost ; for I was dancin you know—the one who forehead—and the brute bounced against us flying. Never even apol outside, I declare I woul hiding. A man like that to | - I want to know where the deuce they get ng ought to be kieked. Uninvited M. Were the women any better ? Algy. Well, if you call Mrs. Dasu any better ! Uninvited M. (with tragic intensity). You don’t mean to say she was there ! Algy. I do. Uninvited M. But do you mean to say that Mrs. CraMMERLY has heard —— Jack. No. She's deaf. { Laughter. | Uninvited M. Well, you |do surprise me! (After a \long pause.) Any other f ! \shining lights of London | li | ae ™ ‘ Society ? . Jack. No~except that fearful Mrs. Jussoru and | her daughters, who hon- | mr j . nw “ ae oured me with an invita- IAGO IN BIRMINGHAM. (Shakspeare once more on the Situation. ) + GENERAL ELECY | | CAADSTOMIAN MAJOR 'TY 42 | Yea

tion to their afternoon I ey I at their suburban residence at West Ken- sington, don’t know whether you regard them as an illumination. (Roars of laughter. Uninvited (trium- hantly). Good gracious! there was positively no one there that one knows. Algy (thinking he has said something original). No one, that one wants to know. Uninvited M. I sup- pose the whole thing was done for an advertise- ment—-— ? Algy. Possibly. Any- how, once bitten, twice shy. They won't get me in- side their stuccoed palace again. Chorus of Those who were at the Party. Same here! { Pause, | Capt. O. (lighting cigar |by candle). By the way, Jack, did old Cram. ask you to Scotland for the 12th ? Jack. Yes. Capt. O. 80 he did me. Shall you go? Jack. ft depends — I : : ; think so—if I don’t get In all his soldiership.. the Election! \anything better. I'm told oi Fase “| it’s a wonderful shoot. They pulled down over a thousand birds the first day, last year. Capt. O. Does old CramMERLy shoot ? Jack Oh dear no! He’s as blind as a bat. his friends. Capt. O. (greatly relieved ). That ’s good news, for he’s a terrible bore. He’d be a shocking nuisance on the Moors. I must say, | can’t stand Aim at any price. : Jack. No, nor any of the family, for the matter of that. Well, ta, ta! Perhaps we shall meet there. I’m off to the Empire, to join some friends who ’ve got a box [ Exit to enjoy Surther hospitality. ~ a hl \ A\\\ Se

° Mr. J-s-pH CH-MB-RL-N, Roderigo : : . P Mr. J-sse C-LI-Ns. Roderigo. Tuov told’st me thou did’st | And, in conclusion, hold him in thy hate. Nonsuits my meditators; for, “‘ Certes,” Iago. Despise me, if I did not. The says he, [who was he? great ones of the City, **T have already chose my officer.” And In personal suit to make me his Lieu- | Forsooth, a great Arithmetician. tenant, i vs ” » Off-capped to him :—and, by the faith | That never set a squadron in the field, of man, Nor the division of a battle knows —s_—k I know my price—I am worth no worse | More than a spinster; unless the bookish | a place ; theorick, But he, as loving his own pride and | Wherein the toged Consul can propose urposes, As masterly as he; mere prattle, with- Brailes them with a bombast circum- | out practice, Tago °

stance, Horribly stuffed with epithets of war ; =

He only rents it for I fear I’m not | my admittance into that charmed and [Roars of laughter. see such—eh ? = —<———— people before. could only conclude (Roars of laughter. ‘* Perrrpriovs ALBION’ AGAIN.—Lieutenant Mizow, with bis grievances against the British Niger Company, was Séted last week in Paris. To inform Frenchmen that the British Company in question is not so niger as it has been inted would be uscless at the present moment, when Toonchaan are stil] loud in their applause of the speech made by the Prefect of the Seine in such a Mizon-scéene. |N.B. - Jeude mot forwarded by our own “ Prefect of the In-Seine.””) = bj nioues 2) From Newcasrie.—Mr. Hamonn, M.P. for Neweastle, = charged Mr. Jomw Moxtey with having made a certain F statement. Mr. Moxtey denied it, and asked Mr. Hamony # to substantiate the charge. Mr. Hamowp could not do this, nor did he apologise. Is this the **’ Amond honorable” ? positive fact—I know it to with that youngest daughter, as the fiuffy fringe over her and sent us ised. If I could have got him have given him a deuced good

VOL, CITt.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR), [Jury 30, 1892, SIR CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ ; OR, THE INSULTING SULTAN AND THE HICH-TONED CHRISTIAN KNICHT. A Modern Moorish Ballad, after the fashion of Bon Gaultier. yh \i . 4 \ « AA ‘ W \ ~~ Cantos Evan-Smrrnez! basely have they borne — And the treachcrous Moorish Monarch, to his people's interes‘ own ; [crown blind, Thousands, thirty, would they tip thee as a churl they ’d tip a/| Sold the sham he dubbed his honour, changed the thing he deemed Thou at home hadst shown that Sultan with emphatic toe the door ; | his mind. In Morocco thou didst coolly turn thy back upon the Moor. “ Christian Knight,” began the Monarch (“‘knight” was diplomat Long in fiery Fez he lingered, subtle Surrmez, being bound for ‘* dog"), To contract Commercial Treaty with the minions of Manounp. | “* There is something in your Treaty, that I relish—like roast hog. Full eight weeks’ negociations smoothed that Treaty’s parlous way ; Know Morocco is no home for Factories and Colossal Stores ; On the fifth July the Sultan swore it should be signed next day. And the omnipresent Bagman is a bugbear to my Moors! But the false Frank’s furtive whisper at the Sultan’s ear was heard All my Cadis, all my ladies, wish at—Hades Western Trade. (When the Frank may foil the Saxon won't he do so? Like a bird!) | You must make large alterations in the Treaty we ’ve half made ;

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| Without landing him a hot ’un, without giving him | Speed thee, speed thee, noble charger! Speed thee faster Jury 30, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “Shape it not in Christian interests, Christian Knight, but in Manovunn’'s, | \nd—imeline thine ear '—I ’ll give thee, Christian, Thirty Thousand Pounds!!!” Enter black slave bearing Treasure! Rangéd bags of glittering gold ! Then upspake brave Ecan-Surrmez. ‘Hold, bas Sultan; minion, hold! Dost thou think to bribe and buy a Christian Knight : A Paynim plan! If J take it, thou mayst sell me to a Moorish dog’s-meat man!” Then his steed obeyed his master, and he whinnied loud and free, Tomes his back upon the tempter, caracoled with coltish glee ; Strack out with his heels behind him, smote that slave | upon the nose, Kicked the bags until the bullion in a Danaé shower arose. Never Dow Femnanpo’s charger, Bavieca, gave such spring, In the sawdust-sprinkled circus of AL-W1pp1coms, the ing. Never did Dow Gowersatez fill the Moslem with more fear, When he smote him o’er the mazzard with his streak- o’-lightning spear! And the scattered gold flew widely, urged by that prodigious kick, Smote the Frank behind the throne, although he dodged amazing quick ; | that insulting Sultan, like a splash of London mud, a his dexter eye, and from his ‘‘ boko ” drawing ). . Then Sir Cantos Evan-Smrrmez gave that Moorish Sultan beans, Holding it foul scorn—as did the pluckiest of Christian Queens— That a Christian Knight should take an insult from a turban’d Moor, what-for ! than the wind! Stout Sir Cantos Evan-Smrruez leaves that Moorish Fez behind ; Shakes its sand from off his shoes, and, having wiped the Sultan’s eye, Turns his back,and takes his hook, without e’en wishing him “* Good-bye!” PARLIAMENTARY PRIVILEGE. Wife of the Late Member for Tooting. ‘‘ ARCHIBALD, WHY WERE YOU 80 GRUMPY AT THE Bicor Boorupys’ To-Nicut!” L, M. for T. “‘Svcm Psoriz, svcw A Dinner, FoR A MAN WHO HAS JUST Lost H1Is Szat!” Wife. *‘1'M SURE PARLIAMENT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU L. M. for T. Times a Week!” ” *‘AT LEAST IT SPARED ME THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENING Six OPERATIC NOTES. _ Last Nights of the Season.—Monday.—“ By General Desire, the Second and Third Acts of De Lana-Boom-de-ay’s O call La Luce dell’ Asia, followed by Cavalleria Rusticana. as ** by general desire” applied to the entire e, or only to its first part? Well, we may take for granted that everyone wanted to hear and see again—but especially to hear—the Cavalleria. So the |“ special desire” must apply to La Luce solely and only. If so, | then from this wording we gather that the | lable desire to hear i eral and uncontrol- . e Second and Acts of De La-na- Boom s Opera did not extend to its , First Act, Fourth Act (if any), and Epilogue. But is it complimentary to a Composer to express a general wish to hear only certain portions of his work, implying thereby that the generally un-e desire is rather against than for re-hearing the other portions? All the same Sir Covent GARDENIUS exercises a discretion in thus dealing with this particular Opera. Tuesday.—Bempere’s New Opera, Elatne. Chorus.—Why was Elaine O Drvrtoran- nat Given again ? us, please e i And he did so, by saying in the ie ** In consequence of its Great Success and by m Hs? hal look at the hand, with index-finger outstretched ! By this sign, Sir Drvnto- LANUS would have us to understand that “ this + was not one which ever went without a hand.” Moreover, Sir Oracxx tells us of its “ Great Suecess ;” note the capitals, and note also, the ex ion itself, which was not found in the announcement of the repetition of the Second and Third Acts of the Light Asian Opera on Monday. Isn’t this an artful way of pitting Admira ble Bemprnre against our! ** |own accomplished De-Lara-Boom? ‘ We” were not there either Monday or Tuesday, which, as far as the inimitable intermezzo of the ** Rustic Chivalry’ goes, was distinctly ‘‘ our” loss. But they were } ed | foing to do without us, and they did so; but whether ill or well, this deponent, meaning ** We,” knoweth not; and so, we're like | Brer Rabbit, who lay low and said nothin’. Brer Wolf sezzee were | kinder sorry he was unable to Satterday arternoon for to hear Brer Fox’s new Opera, Nydia, the Blind Girl. - Friday.— Don Giovanni.—Madame Dorrtt, in taking the réle of Donna Anna, “ took the cake.” Not going ‘‘a bit dotty,” but in excellent form. Be-Litrter-txro Mr. Grapstowe’s Masorrry.— Not that the G._O. M. is “‘coming of age in the olden times,”—as somebody’s si picture has it,—but that he is ing in with a mixed Majority of atoms di It —' to be assimilated. This much exercises the igorous brain of Mr. R. D, M. Lrrrier, *.Q.C. writing to the Times. Of course | K. D. M. Lrrreer, Q.C.—which initials, | being a? oat be may mean, * Railway Directors’ Man”’—is the Conservativest of it Conservatives—“‘ dut that ’s another Tory,”’ = —- as ome may say, adapting Kupyranp Kip- - - = LIne’s phrase,—and, difficult as the G. O.M. may find it to get on with the aid of a Little Majority, he couldn't get on any better with the aid of a Littler. Norg.—The Guide to Wild West Kensington should announce the co a — in this Buffalo Bill Show, not as “‘ classified,” but J y Rad

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jory 30, 1892, THE TRAVELLER. (Modern Version by a Grateful Cook's Tourist.) [Mr. Tuomas Coox, originator of the great “ Personally Conducted” Tourist and Excursionist System, died on Monday the 18th July, aged 84 years. ] ‘*Remore, unfriended, melancholy slow, Or by the lazy Scheldt, or wandering Po?” Nay, gentle GotpsmitH, it is thus no more, None now need fear ‘‘ the rude Carinthian boor,” The bandit Greek, the Swiss of avid grin, Or e’en the predatory Bedouin. Where’er we roam, whatever realms to see, Our thoughts, great Agent, must revert to thee. From Parthenon or Pyramid, we look In travelled ease, and bless the name of Coox ! Eternal blessings crown the wanderer’s friend ! At Ludgate Hill may all the world attend. Blest be that spot where the t world instructor Assumed the réle of Personal Conductor ! Blest be those “‘ parties,” with safe-conduct crowned, Who do in marshalled hosts the Regular Round ; Gregarious gaze at Pyramid or Dome, The nelghte of Athens, or the walls of Rome, Then like flock-folded sheep, are shepherded safe home. | |“ Let observation, with extensive view, | Survey mankind from China to Pera.” By all means, yes, or even further,fare, And Afric’s forest huge and poisonous Pigmies dare. But, to avoid the lonely traveller’s pain, From Ludgate Circus drag the well-linked chain ; As Amurath to Amurath succeeds, So Coox to Cook! THomas’s grandiose deeds What Tourist may forget ? e great one’s gone, But his vast enterprise shall still march on. What Tuomas started, is pursued by Jonny. Peace to the dust of the Great Pioneer, ** Great Coox is dead, long live Great Cook!” we cheer. | Pe ee . e za ; * be ne i fi ” Bas yt es tor = the emancipated | blac ve, who came e way from Liberia to THINGS ONE wouts RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. |Her Gracious Masestr a morning call, may be hve J Host, “TAKE A LITTLE WHISKEY BEFORE You Go, Jonzs!” | known as ‘‘ The QurEn’s Black Woman,” or asacompanion Jones (after helping himself). ‘‘Taanxs! May I pour you ovr some!” | silhouette to “‘Satispuny’s Black Man.” Of course she Host. “ PURaSE—NOT TOO MUCH—JUST anouT HALF wHaT You 'vE crven | will ge back laden with valuable presents, quite a YOuRSELF ! | wealthy old lady, or ‘‘ Ricks Pecuniarwm.” — _ The mtation, which had been expected to stay to luncheon, THE DUFFER IN POLITICS. retired tears, exclaiming for a variety of monarchs all “over e water.” My country neighbours at Mount Duffer are not literary. So very} The local Gladstonians came next. I had never declared myself, remote from this condition are they, that they regard men of letters|theysaid. Was I for Home Rule? I said we must first review as ‘awful men,” in the Shakspearian sense of the word. Conse-| Mr. Giapstone’s numerous writings about Hower, and then come quently, since those papers began to appear, sometimes, in the pages to Home Rule. ‘‘ Homer stops the way!” Were Mr. Grapstonr’s of Mr. Punch, I have risen in the general esteem. Even Jouw Dav | Homeric theories compatible with a rational frame of mind? Here Macwas has been heard to admit, that though the Mac Durrer is| I felt very strong, and animated with a keen desire to impart infor- nae gude ava’ with the rod or the rifle, he’s a fell ane with the pen | mation, ‘The deputation said all this was ancient history. As to Home in his hand. Nae man kens what he means, he’s that deep.” In| Rule itself, they said it really did not matter. What they wanted consequence of the spread of this flattering | was, free poach!™~, free private whiskey-stills, free land, and a large belief, I have been approached by various | head of game, to ne kept up by the proprietor, for the benefit of the local Parties, to sound my fathomless depths | glen, as in old times. I said that these seemed to me to be Utopian as a possible Candidate. : emands If you all fish, and shoot, and drown the keepers in the First came a deputation of Jacobites. They | linn, I urged, there will soon be no game left for any of you. No were all ladies, of different ages, young and | Game-laws, I observed, and you will obviously have no hing. old ; all wore ornaments in which the locks of | There will be nothing to poach, and no fun in doing it. They said Queen Many, Cuaktes THE Frast, Prince that they would pay rs to hold the Southern bodies off, out of Cuartig, and other Saints and Martyrs, were | the rates, and the rates would be paid by the Laird—meaning me. conspicuously displayed. Would I stand as|I said I knew that several Lairds were standing on this platform, a Jacobite? they asked, and generally in the | but that, personally, if my land and rents were to be taken away, I interests of Romance and Royalism. I said | did not see how the rates were to be got out of my empty sporran. This that I would be delighted ; but inquired as to| was a new idea to them, but I cheered them up by saying I was in whether we had not better wait for Female | favour of Compulsory Access to Mountains, with no Personal Option Su . That seemed our best chance, I) in the matter. This was what the people needed, I said—the “ —* said, ey replied, that Fiona Macpowap | needed to be made to climb mountains, beginning with Box Hill. { DA) 3 wes) had no vote, and what was good eno h for| On Bank Holidays, I remarked, they never go to the top. They 7 that ft would De'gail to Know ice which King: | tack toep west’ "The gensrel liatke nad lungs, wool be ereally at it wo well to know for whic ng wen i an wo or Queen, 1 was to unfurl the bannerat Glenfinnon. I also sug; | and the ied whiskey, from private stills, wuld be that the modern Crofters did not seem likely to rally round us. The | increased. first question provoked a split, or rather several — in our Party. i remark divided my Party. The Free Kirk Minister It appeared that some five or six Pretenders of sexes, and of | wore a blue ribbon, and was a Temperance-at-an seen gee. intricate genealogies, had their advocates. An un t scene | Two of ‘* The Men,” however,—a kind of inapired Hig — Minister y came dlowed, and Gangs wese enld WEldh coal never’ te forgiven. | —had a still of their own, and they and the

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| marked, you certainly cannot compete with | you to sell your uce? They said Pygmies fay | | only attain their ends by massacring anving fourths of the population, and who knew how | self might pot | Bill (cheers), a Two Hours’ Bill, a One Hour’s Bill, of things would not run to it. | mic as | was blanched, with pane to | | | | | | | this belief the neighbours are now pretty generally agreed is a very fortunate circumstance. port the | stuffs, wi Jury 30, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL to blows. The Party then withdrew, giving three cheers for Mr. GLapstone, but not pledging themselves to vote for me. The Eight Hours’ a = were at me next. I said I saw that the Bill would provide employment for a number of people, but I added, that I did not see who was to pay the wages, nor who was to buy the goods. ner I ica | orei countries at this rate, and at home the Classes will fe competing with you, being obliged to have recourse to manual labour. Lr | said that was just what they wanted, overzbety © abour with his hands. I answ that many the Classes, a r lot at best (cheers), would come on the Parish. Oo was to pay the rates when everybody was working, and nobody was buying what was made? If there were no markets, where were they would live Q land would not su; Py wat you would need to import bread what were you going to pay for r I added that my heart was with them, but that could or fare, with a three-to-one ea his Su it did not come to that, I urged, ge Lo Bill govg lt er) = employment ; suppose that, somehow, it pai eir or = them, in a very short time you would pall a Four Hours’ in wages. e constitution of They said that I had clearly not f t out the econo-: of the question. I said was how my hair it out, but tha added remarks course with no fall somehow, it always me. about squaring the circle, but they said it wees pied deal easier to square Mr. Giapstone. The fri of Total Prohibition of Vaccination and of Beer were also . ex ig who ee ee a emori ussian Jews, Maxim guns Missionaries, and other benevolent objects. I declined to see them, however, and was left to solitude, and to the reflection | that lam unfitted for the sphere of active politics. In| which, as I have no keen ambition to shine in Parliament, LADY GAY’S SELECTIONS. Dear Mr. Puncn, Mount Street, Grosvenor Square. Tae Race for the Eclipse Stakes at Sandown was pro- ~~ ductive of tremendous excitement, and everybody turned the two gallant horses came up the straight, locked together, but the key to the situation—Parliamentary phrase, due to the prevalence of Elections—was held by the champion Orme, who managed to get home, “‘all out” by a neck !—at least, Lord Antuur said he was ‘‘ all out,” though how he could be * | I don’t quite understand—but he may have been alluding to the | backers of Orvieto. I was told that St. Damien ‘‘made up a lot | minster did look !—and with of ground at the finish;” but I can’t say I noticed it myself, as the course looked to me exactly as it did before the race! Dear me! how pleased my friends the Duke and Duchess of West- good reason, too—it was a wonderful task for Orme to accomplish, with only six weeks’ training !—it must have been a special train all the time; in fact, the one he was brought te Sandown in, I suppose. Being unable to go to Leicester, I took advantage of a military —— rey . Joh care gs let the gallant oon ane — a secret—he little thoug was escorting a pay a visit to the New Wimbledon—and being nothing if not Cyal, I chose the day when the shooting for the “ Queen’s” commenced. My escort informed me with an inane smile, that the Camp had experi- enced ** Bisley weather ;” the feebleness of which joke so an me, that I am half inclined to put his name in the pi of public print—(what a glorious expression for our own Midlothian Mouther) but I refrain, for reasons connected with Lord Arruvr. I must say that I think Bisley has a more business-like look than Wimbledon ever had, though perhaps this is scarcely to the taste of the average feminine visitor, who to enjoy pic-nicing to the accompaniment of whizzing bullets, and does not appreciate the latter without the former. e shooting was very uncertain in the first stage of the Queen’s, as the wind was in a variable mood—(is the wind feminine, 1 wonder ?)}—going sometimes at eighteen and sometimes at thirty miles an hour, which was disconcerting and inconsiderate behaviour (it must be feminine !)—calculated to annoy ale as A VICTORY OF THE POLLS. MENTAL COLLAPSE OF AN ELecrion Eptrorm AFTER ComPILine STaristics Day anp Niomt ror THE Last Turexe Weeks ! | any right-minded Volunteer! Indeed, one notoriously good shot, | Private Cuicken, although a good plucked one—having made six |misses in ten shots—declined to be roasted by his friends, and | retired into his easserole—which is French for tent, I belieye—while several other marksmen (why marksmen ?) found themselves care- home” at the same time | f placing their bullets on other people’s targets. . owever, I was much struck with the equanimity with which reverses were accepted by the members of our ant Amateur Army, and intend composing an ode in their honour, to be sung in eamp to the accompaniment of bullets, baspipes, and brass bands! (more alliteration for the Midlothian Maltese Marriage Merchant), the refrain of which will run thus :— The Volunteer! The Volunteer!! No matter how the wind may veer! Will have no fear! and will not sweer!! so do not jeer!!! the Volunteer!!!" —appropriate patriotic music to which will be written by Signor Crementr Scnrorti! There is no racing of any importance this week, there being only a small Meeting under P ic Nic Rules, at a place called Goodwood—(I write of it in this contemptuous way, as | am not going i somewhere on the coast of the Solent—to which I need not allude at any length 5 I will, therefore, only mention one race having been so su ul lately, that I can afford to rest on my oars—(rather an insecure position by the way, for anyone who can’t swim!) and remain as usual ‘ours dev y; Lapy Gay. CHESTERFIELD Cur SELECTION. To win such a race as the Chesterfield Cup, Is a task wanting speed and endurance ; And the duty of all, ere the ghost giving up, Is to quickly effect an Insurance.” P.S.—I don’t see any sense in this, but the rhyme is good ' e

Page 8

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Jury 30, 1892.

s#s ss nat ent +f, ——<_ Monsieur Vicron Acuitie PéTROLY, Tae

UNPLEASANT DUTIES OF CLUB LIFE.

~

sew CaEF, IS SUDDENLY SUMMONED BEFORE THE COMMITTEE TO RECEIVE A RePRIMAND Tue Question 1s, WHO'S TO ADMINISTER IT!

WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN. Enthusiastic Cyolist loquitur :— I wave noticed with unfeigned and real pleasure | fumpes /) The rapid growth of Cycling. (How it | To those who have the ene iy and leisure It affords (¢ ‘onfound t saddle! it 20) bumps ! What otherwise would be quite unattainable, A healthy, and a pleasurable form Of exercise. (Yes, Aealth is hereby gainahle ; But I am most uncomfortably warm !) It gives them the advantages of travel, (By Jingo! Iwas nearly over then ! A tumble and the ** gravel-rash” would gravel The nimblest of extremely Grand Old Men) | Which, previous to the Cycle’s happy advent, | Were out of almost every body’s reach. (And to the“ spirits"’ of the cyeling-cad vent. ’Arry on Wheels the law must manners teach.) It’s really very much more profitable Than is the long luxurious railway journey. | If in the saddle I feel not more st I'ilbe * unhorsed,” like tilter in a tourney ! ) Monotonous the journey from the City, Along a fixed unalterable route. ( This 1s an old ** bone-shaker.” ’Tis a pity! For over the front wheel one's apt to shoot.) The traveller’s whirled from station unto station, (I wish there were more stations on this road, ) With hardly half a chance for observation. (If I know where Iam, may I be blowed '),

Ae be

4 parte Sg fe

| Without an opportunity to examine | The district. ( Wish that I could spot a pub!) | For I am overdone with thirst and famine, | And see no chance of tipple or of grub ! A PROSPECT OF THE TWELFTH. (By an Impressionist. ) | CerTaryty, I can foresee my adventures. I can tell of my march over the heather, of U must travel many miles o'er clay or cobble, my delight ast e breezy air sweeps over the I fear, before I il have a real rest, moors helps to bronze my already sun- | The big wheel and the little shift and "wobble, | emer mew ! I think*the low pneumatic Cycle’s best. | | can fancy the chatter of the keeper as he | ch? “* Dangerous to Cyelists'” That's a holds my second gun, and pays me that atten- notice, ‘tion which can only be wiped off by tips! | I fancy, that suggests a spin down-hill. _| ean hear the sound of the first shot, and deci- How _ I feel’ How very parched rh pher the meaning of the initial puff of smoke! throat ts. [spell . I can see the shadows disa: as lunch- | Hold up' By Jove, but that was near a | time comes to hand. I can ise the cart I emphasise the fact that I consider [wheel | | with its goodly contents, and the girls who That, physically—(Pheugh! that little | will sit beside us as we discuss our modest Tsdangerous aa poor ped doy ' camel )| pies (hot and savoury,) and quaff our ’84. Yes, mo and socially, I | And then I can hear the retrea The benefits or f Cycling are FS oended. as the darlings trip away, leaving us to Almost—( Almost I fear a nasty fail ! resume our chase after the birds. I wish, with big and little Shed stalionded. And then pe shadows will vy longer, That I were on a Safety, after all ') and the sun will set behind hills 5 4 mass of purple, red, and gold; and it will be time for us to turn our faces towards the Wuisper py Ay Lt Wrxp.—If Alderman | shooting-box that will shelter us eeenge the | KNILL cannot conscientiously attend the Es- | long watches of the summer’s auight tablished Church service, whereat it is not| And lastly I can see the fi halt at the essential for a Lord Mayor to be present, the | poulterer’s, as we purchase the grouse to fill | Court of Aldermen ought to be peed of our bags before the journeying home. and elect him" Willy-Knilly”’ to be Lord Mayor all the same. "Whatever may be th A GerocraPnicaL Turory.—‘' Where # result, of Alderman Kyi nothing but A. Liberia?” inquired one cultured person of can be said. “ Nil nisi bonum.” another, d propos of Mrs. Ricxs’s interview with the Queen. ‘‘I’m sure J don’t know,” Brack Game.—** Bother Moroceo:” . 4 was the answer, “‘but—judging by the name o Spareguen. *What’s the news from = Sng think it was exactly opposite to oors Md ” ria.”’

footsteps |

Page 9

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Juiy 30, 1892. WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN. “*I CAN ONLY EMPHASISE THE FACT fHAT I (CONSIDER THAT PHYSICALLY, MORALLY, AND SOCIALLY, THE BENEFITS THAT CYCLING CONFERS ON THE MEN OF THE PRESENT DAY ARE ALMOST UNBOUNDED.’ (dside.) WISH I WERE ON A ‘SAFETY’!!” : —— ee

Page 10

Still on I see And st 4 »* " * F “ Thong forma the C. Sec and Look« find 1 Botth Cann: able | to fig the x that secur arrar morn Th His ] be g' Inter last, KLE

Page 11

Jury 30, 1892.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 45 MINOR MISERIES. | No. L—To A Lapy ow wnose Tasie-CioTu HE HAD UPSET THE MvustTarp-Por. Dear Lady, in your dining-room [ sat, a melancholy slave. Your smiles could hardly chase my gloom ; While others jested, I was grave. And still you saw me sit and sit— “Enough of this,” you said, ‘‘ come, come, he cheerful.”” While I merely bit A foolish, irresponsive thumb, And found no comfort in the act, And cursed myself, the clumsy Goth, As void of fingers as of tact, Who spilt the mustard on the cloth ! That was the cause of all my woe— Good lack, I blame my thumbs in vain ; Still on the eloth’s expanded snow most gracious. However, he said that he was not quite peegenestociens Commercial Treaty in lieu of si He ture, to give me that no representative of England could entertain such a ion. The Sul- tan, upon this, terminated the interview. Fourth Day.—The Sultan having learned that Herr Von KLEVERMANN was a member of my suite expeienes 9) See Sy: eotene meeting. co uently attend at the Palace, Herr Vor k i LEVERMANN, ha , . is Majesty asked the price. I Trecaediatel replied, a Treaty of . Lam toca again to-morrow. twelve of emeralds (uncut), and the wives of six of his Field Marchale Ex- | ha’ well to leave the country as soon as possible started early, Herr Vow Krevermann had expressed his doubts whether His Majesty would be satisfied. It appears thatthe Magic t requires a good deal of preparation to b effective. The Herr’s forebodings of evil were speedily verified. The Mission had not gone a mile before we were followed by the entire army. We e a demonstration with the machine-gun, which had the effect of destroying six or seven ae the enemy. Sultan in person that he considered the Treaty null. Nothing to do but retire as best we could. Eighth Day.— failure of the Mission. However, find that the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands are anxious Fifth Day.—Haa another interview with His Majesty. The Sultan wanted to know the I seem to see that yellow stain. And still — sit and speak me fair, And still your Butler grimly smiles, he while I paint in mustard there A sketch-map of the British Isles. [ think it had repaid my guilt Had you flashed fire like Ashtaroth, And scorched the clumsy wretch who spilt That flood of mustard on your cloth. Beef, pudding, cherry-tart, and cream What more could mortal man desire ? I munched them idly in a dream, My head sang like a village choir I fumbled with the silver pot From which that tawny torrent ran ; I heard you say it mattered not, To cheer a miserable man. So here I thank you ; may I be Extinct as is the Behemoth Rather than = by Fate’s decree Once more the mustard on your cloth. | THE NEXT AFRICAN MISSION. ( Telegraphic Précis of the Negociations. ) First Day pavived safely at the Sul- tan’s capital. Everything in proper order. Draft Treaty in my trunk with my diplo- matic uniform. Escort in marching order. Ammunition in waggon. Quite ready to commence negociations. Only waiting for the conjuring paraphernalia of Herr Von KLEVERMANN to come up with us. Thought that that special morning per- formance before the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands would delay matters. Second Day.—Herr Von KieverMann FANCY PORTRAIT. es | will $ Yi] YN | hah lee me THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE— BENNETT, M.P. FOR LINCOLN. for annexation to England. They seem im- with the notion that the British | Government have power to cause a flow of | spirits from the Inexhaustible Bottle which, since the departure of Herr Von KiEver- MANN, has ceased to yield alcoholic drinks. Of course, shall do nothing in this new matter until I receive further instructions. . Ninth Day.—Embarked on my return ome. ADVICE TO THE G. O. M. (From a Mathematical Tory.) Taxes forty-two, and carry eight (Hight hours, I mean), then mind your eye; ring all your items up to date, And do your best to multiply Your sheep by next subtracting votes From over-suff: Tory goats. By Registration Law perplexed, Take “ qualifying periods” next, And at one swoop reduce with glee ve months, or more, to only three. Add labour to your motley crew, Subtract (from life) a church or two. Produce, with geometric skill, — The lines of many a promised bill. But state—the Unionists to vex— That Home Rule always equals z. Raise, in a rash, disastrous hour, Campaigning Ireland to a power. And thus, to prayers and protests deaf, Bisect the Empire. Q. E. F. PRETENCE VERSUS DEFENCE. Scene— Whitehall. Time—The Present. Enter Universal Inspector - General, accompanied by Mr. Admiralty Official. Universal Inspector-General. 80 _ i ter and his traps have arrived in camp. Looked over the conjuring tricks. Sorry to find that one of the best (the Inexhaustible sottle) has been stolen by the Queen of the Cannibal Islands. As time is an object, un- able to send back to recover it. Might have to fight for it, too, which would possibly lessen the numbers of our escort. Experts declare that the Inexhaustible Bottle could only be secured at the point of the bayonet. Have arranged for a meeting with the Sultan to- morrow. Third Day.—-Sultan’s toothache better. His Maj aving sent word that he would be glad to see me, I, accompanied by the Interpreter, the Commander of the Escort, and last, but certainly not least, Herr Vow KLEVERMANN, arrived at the Palace. Found that the Lord High Chamberlain had been removed yesterday. The Lord High Execu- Honer was acting in his stead. In fact, this overworked official seemed to be the solitary survivor of the Imperial Household. Lord + - Executioner told us that His Majesty had been very irritable yesterday. The S tan, he said, was now ina and was quite harmless, I mes te temper, is Majesty The | from the Gibus a terms of the proposed Treaty. | access to the interior for Bri merchandise, and the abolition of slavery. His Majesty | replied, he did not mind the abolition of | slavery so much, on the understanding that ithe regulation did not apply to him. Herr | Vow =. o= panes _ Magic | hat, an ught out from it a cup of coffee, | half-a- recently-washed handkcorehiefe, and a white mouse. The last item caused us +to be hurriedly expelled from the Palace. It appears that the Sultan greatly objects to mice. nn Interpreter should have informed | me of this peculiarity. Sizth mee nn a message from His I peptied, free Majesty to the effect that he would be gl: to see me and Herr Von KLEVERMANN again, on the condition that ——_ J objectionable should be uced from the Magic hat. Herr Vow KiLEVERMANN once more gave & séance. The eminent ang om ~ portmanteau, a soup-tureen, and a lady’s watch. His Majesty greatly delighted. He si the Treaty, and pos- sessed himself of bat. : Seventh Day.—Knowing that it was as| lad may be expected to reach his are going to have Naval Mancuvres all, Mr. Admiralty Official ? Mr, Adm, Official, Yes, General, we are. Un Ins.-Gen. And are you going to do anything new this time ? r, Ad. Off. Nothing more than the usual meani cruising. Un. e-Oen. I read something about the landing of the wounded? — Mr. Ad. Off. Ah—that i new! We are oing ” a number of wounded. ‘0 quote from the Regulations —‘’ Before the ips leave for the ports, officers in command of fleets and sq are to communicate to each -in-Chief, by telegraph, the aggregate number of assumed wounded that n. Ins.-Gen. Tell me what do we want with these pointless vres? Wouldn’t it have answered everyone's purpose if there had heen a lecture in lieu of them at the Royal tracted United Service Institution ? Mr. Ad. Off. I should not be surprised. Un. 4 ten, Then why 4 == this unnecessary ex Mr. rrid Of You really must ask my successor | (Ezeunt severally.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Jory 30, 1892.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CANVASS. (A Purely Imaginary Sketch.) Scexe—A Portico in Portman Square. Mr. Buxsamen Guicner (an ardent Radical Artisan, canvassing the district on es A 0 a “pal” of his, who is putting up as a Labour Candidate), discovered on the doorstep. Mr. Gulcher (to himself—a knocking). Some might think it was on’y waste of time me callin’ at a swell ’ouse o’ this sort—but them as lives in the ’ighest style is orfen the bi demmycrats. Yer never know! Or p'raps this Sir Norman Nasepy ain’t made 7; oe up yee, ons pe > = over to our way o’ thinking. ‘he doors are open by two young men in a very and sombre livery.) Two’ the young’uns,I spose. (Aloud.) ’Ow are yer’ Father in, d’ yer know? First Footman (/oftily). 1 don’t know anything about your father, I’m sure. Better go down the airey - steps and inquire there. Mr. G. (annoyed with himself.) It’s my mis- take. I didn’t see yer | were on’y flunkeys at | first. It’s yer Guv’nor I want—the ole man ! First Footman (with cold dignity). If you are illewding to Sir | Norman, he is not at home. Mr. G. (indignantly). ‘Ow can yer tell me sech a falsehood, when I can see him myself, a-dodgin’ about down there in the passage! Forces his way past the astonished men into the hall, and addresses a stately Butler in plain clothes.) ‘Ere, Sir Nasesy, I’ve come in to ’ave a little tork with you on the quiet like. The Butler (not dis-

\ to be Sir Norman self, my good man. Sir NormMay is out. Mr. G. Out, is he? that’sapity! I wanted to see him on important pleased). | don’t hegpen < 1 Be \ im- ys But look ‘ere —p'raps his Missus is in —She'll do! (To him- self.) I gen’ally git along with the wimmin- folk—some ’ow! The Butler. 1 can't say if her Ladyship is at home. If you like to send up your name, I ‘ll inguire. Mr. G. You tell her Mr. Bexsamiw Guicuer is ‘ere, if she ‘ll down a minnit. She needn't 'urry, yer know, if she’s ’aving her dinner or cleanin’ her- self. (Zo himself, as the Butler departs noiselessly.) Civil-spoken party that—one o' the lodgers, seemin’ly. Roomy sort o’ crib this ere. Wonder what they pay a week for it! mt (returning). Her Ladyship will see you, if you will step is way. (Mr. G. is taken up a staircase, and ushered into the presence of Lady Naseny, who ts seated at her writing-table. Lady N. (still writing). One moment, please. y husband is out just now—but if you will kindly state the nature of your business with him, I daresay I could—— (She looks up.) Good Heavens! What could have possessed CLarxsow to show such a person as that in here! (To herself.) Mr. G. (in his most ingratiating manner). Well, Mum, in the absence of his Lordship, 1 am sure you'll prove a ’ighly agreerble substitoot ! Lady N. ( freezingly). May I ask you to tell me—in two words— what it is you wish to see him about. Mr. G. Certingly you may, Mum! It’s like this ’ere. I want your good Gentleman to promise me his vote and influence for business. ; \ AMA \) os) vy ’ me! On’y, yer see, he carn’t so at present, d’ yer ketch \mecnin’?” (Lady N. rings the bell in despair.) Oh, thankee, M Mr. Jox Quetcn, as we're runnin’ for a Labour Candidate this ion. Lady N. 1 really cannot answer for my husband's views on political matters, Mr.—a—Squetcner; I make it a rule nerer to interfere. Mr. G. Jest what my old woman sez. argy with me on politics. But, yer see, a deal depends on the way thing is done, and—(insinuatingly)—a good-lookin’ woman liks yourself—(Lady N. gasps out a faint little ** Oh!” here)—oh, I’m on’y tellin’ yer what yer know already—'nd find it easy enough to get her better ’alf to vote her way, if she chooses. You take him some evenin’—say a Saturday, now—when he's jest ’ad enough to feel ’appy, and coax him into giving his vote to Quetcn. You know ‘ow to do it! And he’s the right man, mind yer, Quetcu is—the right man! P Lady N. (almost inaudibly). How—how dare you come into my house, and offer me this impertinent advice! How——? r. G. (good-tem- peredly). Easy there, ady—no impertinence ee re I’m sure. | 8 n’t come in ’ere intrudin’ on the sacred privacy of the British Ome, which I’m quite aware an Englishman’s ’Ouse is his Castle— and rightly so—if I didn’t feel privileged like. I’m canvassing, lam! Lady N. You are teking @ most unpar- donable liberty, and, if you have the slightest sense of dece Mr. G. (im ’ Now look ’ere — let us’ave a I’ve learnt her not to If we don’t think alike, 4 PANN | there’s no reason why tho you and me should f iM) out. t that to you, It’s likely enough you. don’t know Jor QueicH? . L N. (with tem- per). | never heard of the man in my life! r G. lordumaph- antly). See there, now. That’s where canvass- ing comes in, d’ yer see? It’s our honly iyi cnirins ignirance pathy f the Upper Classes. tell yer somethink about ’im. Quetcnu worked as a lighterman on a barge fourteen years for eighteen bob a- ; week. Ain’t that a Man of the People for yer? And if he gits into Parliment, he ’ll insist on Labour ’ served ; he’s in favour of Shortened Hours of Labour, Taxation o’ Ground Rents, One Man one Vote, Triannual Parliments and Payment o’ Mem Com ts, Providin’ Work by Gov’ment for the ition o’ the Ouse o’ Lords, and a Breakfast he means ’aving it too. That’s what Jozis. But y not come and ’ear what he’s got to say for yerself ? -air meetin’ in Kipper’s Court this evenin’ ay You come and bring yer "usban’, and I'll , ’ ; “= NW “ You know ’ow to do it!” look ’ere, w He's Soldia’ and he’ll answer any questions yer like to straight ! Lady N. ( feebly). Thank you very much ; but—but we are un- fortunately dining out this evening, so I’m afraid—— Mr. G. (more in sorrow than in anger). There it is, yer see. Yer afraid. id o’ ’earing the truth. Carn’t trust yerself to listen to both sides. But I don’t despair of yer yet. See ere; is it Ome Rale that separates us? ——— so, it needn't. QueLcu don’t care no more for Ome Rule than ’ere penwiper do, between you and

«wd

Page 13

Jory 30, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,

2, ‘ot Sg = - < — / we MMi,

NEW FACES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. (According to the Portraits that have appeared in the Illustrated Papers.)

Page 14

48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —— {Jury 30, 1892, ain’t partickler. Lady N. (as the Butler appears). Cianxson, show this—this gentleman the way out. Mr. G. Don’t you trouble, old pal, I can find it for myself. (Zo Lady N.) I b’lieve, if the truth was known, you’re comin’ round already, Mum. I’) tell yer what I’ll do. I'll leave some o’ these it your good man to run his eye ere little pee, as you might git over. ** Why | am a Radikil,” “ The nfamy of Tory Gov’ment,”’ “Ow we are Robbed!” &c. And ’ere’s a icter - poster—"* The ’Orrers of Coercion under the Brutal Batrovur!” Yer might put it up in yer front winder—it don’t comma yer to nothing, yer know !— it ‘ll amuse the kids, if you ’ve any family. Clarkson (in his ear). Will you walk downstairs quietly, or shall I have to pitch you ? Mr. G. (roused at last). What, 1’m to cop the push, amI? An’ what for, eh?’ What ’ave I done more than you swells ha’ bin doin’ ever since the Elections started? (Zo Lady N.) You come pokin’ into our ’ouses, without waitin’ to be invited, arskin’ questions and sott-sawderin’, and leavin’ tracks and coloured pieters—and we put up with it all. But as soon as one of us tries it on, what do yer do? —ring for the Chucker-out! Ah, and reason enough, too—yer know yer 'll get beaten on the argyments! (Here he is gently but firmly led out by CLaxKson, and concludes his observations on the stairs out- side.) Stuck-up, pudden’-’eaded fossils! ...battenin’ on the People’s brains! ... your time ’ll come some day!... Wait till Quvecnu 'ears o’ this! &c., &c. Lady N. (alone). Thank goodness he ’s gone !—but what an ordeal ! I really must part with Clarkson. And—whatever the Primrose League Council may say—I shall have to tell them I must give up canvassing. I don’t think I can do it any more—after this! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. “Reap it!” said Everyone. ‘“‘ Read what?” asked the Baron. “The Wrecker,” answered Everyone. ‘I will,” quoth the Baron, promptly. And—it was done. It took some time to do, but of this more anon. The Baron’s time is fully ommend, never mind how, but fully, take his word for it. A copy of The Wrecker was at once provided by its publishers, Messrs. Casseit & Co., and the question for the Baron to consider, was not “What will I do with it?” but wv ae (S/S WE Lae How, when, and where, will I read it? Clearly ’twas no ordinary book. Everybody was saying so, and what Everybody is saying has considerable weight. A not to be trained through at e pace, so that the beauties of the surrounding scenery would Soles, ut something that when once taken up cannot be put down agai like the brass knobs worked by an electric-battery,— giving you fits and starts, and shocks, as do the electric brass-knobs aforesaid ; something that, if you begin it at 4 p.m., exhausts you by dinner-time, and after dinner, k ou awake till you read the last line at 2 a.m., and then tumble into bed fevered, exhausted, but in ecstasies of delight, feeling as if you were the hero who had experienced all the dangers, and had come out of them oy ; Such were the Baron’s anticipations as to the joys in store for him on reading The Wrecker, by > ne Ropert Lovuts) Stevenson and Liorp Ossovrye. The Baron hit on a he must isolate himself as if he were a telephone-wire. ‘‘ Good,” quoth he, “‘ Isolation is the sincerest flattery,—towards authors.” e friend in need, not in the sense of being out at elbows, a od at the right moment, as did the Slave of the Lamp to Aladdim. ‘Come to my house in the mountains,” said this Genius, heartily; ‘‘come to the wold where the foxes dwell, not a hundred miles from a cab-stand, yet far far away,— amid lovely scenery, in beautiful air, to quiet reposeful rooms, with the silence of the cloister and the jollity of the Hall where beards wag all, in the evening, when the daily task is done.” “Friend Reernatp Sypx, I thank thee,” responded gratefully the Baron. “lam there!” And in less time than it takes to go the whole distance in a four-horsed coach with a horn blowing and the if you are so kind, I'll take whatever yer goin’ to ‘ave yerself, J all there! The Authorities on the line made no extra charge for taking The Wrecker as lug . The weather was favourable for reading; an interminable down- iw when one is grateful for any book, even a Dictionary of 4, or the remains of a Boyle’s Court Guide. The Brave Baron shut himself into his room, laid in stores of and grog decided, in the course of half an hour, on a comfortable position, and then laid himself out for the perusal, not to say the study, of The Wrecker. Intreductory Chapter excellent,—appetising. ‘* Oliver asks for more,”’ murmurs the to himself, settling down to “ the Yarn.” ce I. Now a strange thing happened. The Story broke off! su we ae pee —— yes, by the hand- ful, by the cartload—all excellent, no doubt—and much to be appreciated by a reader with nothing on earth to dothe whole year round; but, about page 53, the Baron began te be uneasy, shifted his pillows, refilled pipe, took **‘ modest quencher,” and then turned to pple with The Wrecker. No gene. Where the deuce had the tory got to? When would the excitement come in? Where was the sensation? Toiling on, went the Baron, stopping frequently to wish he had a Sg pe he might ascertain the meaning of strange, uncouth w and and to ana i Authors separately or together. Had Ossounne interfered with Srevenson, or was Stevenson allowing Ospounne to have his say, reserving himself for a coup at half-price ? Would Osnourne chuck STEVENSON over , or was it to be t’other way off? At page 90 the Baron decided he would take a walk round, even if it were pouring cats and dogs, and exclaiming, *‘ Air, air, give me air!” he rushed forth. Itwas fine. A brisk walk and a talk—just like King Cuarues ‘* who and talked ’—with his genial host Reet Sypx, restored the Baron’s circulation, and made him wonder to himself at the reported great circulation of the book. Back to his room again—into aq Ay py Thought. This book is about ships and sea, The Baron will be a Skipper!—and so he skips skips, with great relief, until “A sail in sight appears,” — spe - hy and there’s a picture of it—‘‘ He hails it with three cheers! ”’ Now the Story, at p. 134, ins in good earnest, and, except for the idle dilletante reader, all the forrgoing, from the first Chapter, might go by the board—that is, as far as the B aron can e out. He only for himself. The Chapter describing the sale by auction is first-rate; no doubt about it. The Baron’s spirits, just now to zero, rose to over 100°. On we go: ww over Ospounne, and come along with Louis Srevenson of Treasure Island. Bah! that exciting Chapter was but a flash in the pan: brilliant but brief : and “ Here we are!” growls the Baron, “struggling among a of puzzling lumber in search of excitement number two, which does not seem to come until Chapter XXIV., 383.” Then there is a blow out — of brains, a scrimmaging, a | Awe 2 and a firing, a scuffling, and a fainting, and ene mar- vellous effect. And then——is heard no more. e Baron harks back, harks for’ard. No: puzzlcment is his portion. Who was who, when everybody turned out to be somebody else? Where was the Money ? or more important, Where is the Interest? ‘* Well, that I sane ta quoth he, ** but ’twas pepe Sto-ree /” _ haps ing against time, did not doit justice ; or, perhaps Lady -Stevensonian admirer, the Baron to communicate to her hi t disappointment ; where- timidly whispered, ** Well, fn, to you the truth, I quite . ty wi vo. I found 9 page ag b- —- tions; but ev is praising it; so please, O please, y my secret! ”’ “ot Madam. a ladys secret, even universally-known Lady Audley’s Secret, is inviolable when intrusted to Your devoted Servant, Tae Banon ve B.-W.” n, he did. Anyway, meeting a ven’ upon she SUMMERUMBRELLA. I Lone for sunshine, such as there must be In Egypt, blazing on the native Fellah ; yr, 1 see no sun or sky, I only see Y y own Umbrella! “No sun, no moon,” as Hoop wrote long ago, **Nosky,” no star—called, by the Romans, 8 —— Like negative November here below, My own Umbrella! Think not of ‘‘AMARYLLIs in the shade”! _ Can I play tennis in the rain with Bers, 1 , Holding aloft, while through the flood | - wade, “” My own Umbrella? I’m sick of sitting in the Club to scoff ; I'll take a walk. Hang me! ~~ pee ** fellah ” == horses blown, the Baron, travelling by special express, was there,— Has left his rotten gmp, ay — y own Um (> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictares of any description, accompanied Addressed im no case be returned, not even when exception. + there will be no "7 wih Stamped and Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule THE USED 1} TUE | a. Ta Cont BEWAI

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Juur 30, 1892. Try iT IN Your Batu. ah ke SCRVBB’S (usctirn.) AMMONIA, MARVELLOUS PREPARATION. » Ped. 7 28, sareeetne NEAVE'S | FO yp ps st burposce via fare Ey paration for the Hair. Removes Stains Ma from Clothing, &c, a: Tine bea , -» wm. rt be, rT Red mah Street, 8.E. Savory Moried Tapl dood for Infante. USED.IN THE ROVAL NURSERIES, Tins, 2/ S/- l0/each, CURIOUS OLD jC LARET. OD ¥s - ae ~ thet Gem ly designed for ye ee compact instru- ment made, and with it the t number of emposures can be made the least PICTURES SQUARE O€ ROUND. NO PREVIOUS KNOWLEDCE OF PHOTO- CRAPHY IS NECESSARY. “YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, WE DO THE REST.” ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE The ZACTMAN PHOTO MATERIALS CO., Lid., 115, OXFORD STREET, LONDON, W. Paris 4, Place Vendome. Nice: Mince Grimaldi HIGHLAND WHISKIES Special offer, worth Testing. . delicate 1 u "1 10 18 895 yours is weed. 1000 doz. delicate 1888 Lamarque, x e per tos. 48/- 60/- 78/- 120/- 18s. per doz., delivered. Medical Authority, in tual cure without internal mr ati yy = gue of ates ARNOLD, PERRETT, & CO., Lo., na on Viste te serede, I Rowse . that on no account — a Whisky Family Wine Merchants, Build by a ae i srt unless it is well mai Detailed List on ap: MOREL BROS. ( COBBETT & SON 210, PIOOADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. Whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. UAM-VAR WHISKY. THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. USED IN THE PALACE AND THE SHIZLING. TUS BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards. Recommended by the Medical Paculty. INES & GRIEVE, BDINBURGH and LOWDOWN. Paris— New York—Foveras & Co., 7a, Lower Belgrave St., London, &.W. JoHR, BRINSMEAD « | SONS’ SOSTENENTE PIANOS. COLDER HAR TEMFECTLY HARMLESS. Sold by Perfumers and Chemists throughout nd the World. _ Agents: R. HOVENDEN & BONS, Loxvos. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH RED AND BROWN LABELS. A REAL SEA-BATH IN YOUR OWN ROOM. TIDMAN’S SEA SALT. PATRONISED BY THE ROYAL FAMILY. uid be used in every ease of Weakness, Rheuma “2 oA add 1 dda Rb condition. Ask at all Tobacco Sellers’, Stores, 4c., and take no other. &e.. and for all chi tortion aan inv soles the clastion SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED AGAINST IMITATIONS. Worthless “and. infurlous sebetitutes ack” oe | The Gepuise bears the Trade-Mark, “‘ Nottingham Castle,” om every Packst and Tis. TLDMAN'S. PLAYER'S WAVY CUT CICARETTES, is Packets containing 12, and Dozes of 24. The follow ing extract from the “ Keview oF Reviews,” Nov., 1609, is of interest to every Smoker THE PIPE IN THE WORKHOUSE —The picture drawn by our Helper of the poor old man in the a away at an empty pipe, has touched the hearts of some of our correspondents One from the High Alps, and signs himself Old Gene,” says: “ I have been struck with jour sug the oo coher number of the Review of Reviews for a «heme to supply smokers in union work ' am afraid, jodged by the ordinary standards, | am the mast selfish of mortals, os 1 but this scheme of yours appeals ot gure to the Borwicks “Bakin g - Powder: pe Ann | hopses with tqpacco. never give a cent away tor purposes of so-called chazjty | sympathies oy for the fund, and icv y contribations for it on my smokjng acquaintanc:s but, upflortynately, my business compels me to be a wanderer ropnd the Continent for the next nine months. I'can, however, 40 « little, is a tike to con) a pennd of what I consider the BEST SMOKING TOACHO, viz., ‘PLAYER'S NAVY CUT’ (tlils is not of gdvertisement) | enclose, therefore, a cheque far the *mount.” Sold only im 1-ounce Packets, and 2, 4, § ounce, and 1-Ib. Tins, which keep the Tobaceo in fine smoking | | hardeped and inveterate qpoker, Were | in London, | ould at once start a Coliee Ling bus | ASK FOR ALL WINE MERCHANTS AND GROCEKS. AT EVERY HAR AND RESTAURANT. BREAKFAST OR SUPPER. fro’ s CRATEFUL—COMFORTINE. COCOA BOILING WATER OR MILK. [Liepie o ce Bee Bignature (as above) in Blue Ink across the Label on each Jar of the Genuine Extract. Keeps for any Length of Time. COLT’S NEW UNITED STATES NAVY REVOLVER fer Mites Protection, Travellers, and tary Purposes, takes Kiey » 38 part ‘ee and all other 3 cal Pistol Cartridees ,LOLr’s unio MACAZINE RIFLES, Large and Small Game, Kook shouting, and Janse ractice, are wmeurpassed for accuracy and on ualled for rapidity of fire T's REVO VERS canied Se A he h ye? at Misley, Edin , and De rice List free 26, Glanshouse Bt, Pleeadilly Circus, London, W

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