Punch 1892-07-16: Vol 103 Iss 2662

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‘Punch’ VOLUMES

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Jury 16, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 13 mua GENERAL ELECTION). ee ——__ ---+ ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. Brilliant Elector (at the Polling Station). ‘‘Ir’s A STOUTISH KOIND OF A MAN, witH A BaLp "EAD, AS AR WISHES TO VOTE FOR, BUT AR'M BLESSED IF AR KNOW ‘Is NaAme!i” ’ TO THE FIRST BATHINC-MACHINE. (After Wordsworth.) O BLANK new-comer! I have seen, I see thee with a start: So gentle oy a Machine Infernal one thou art! , When first the sun feels rather hot, Or even rather warm, From some dim, hibernating spot Rolls forth thy clumsy form. Perhaps thou babblest to the sea Of sunshine and of ; Thou bri t but a thought to me Of such quarter hours. I, ing tightly, wee with fear, y very narrow bench Thou, bounding on in wild career, All shake, and jolt, and wrench. Till comes an unex stop ; My forehead hits the door, And I, with cataclysmic flop, Lie on thy sandy floor. Then, dressed in Nature’s simplest style, I, blushing, venture out ; And find the sea is still a mile Away, or thereabout. Blithe little children on the sand Laugh out with childish glee ; Their nurses, sitting near at hand, All giggling, stare at me. Unnerved, unwashed, I rush again Within thy tranquil shade, And wait until the rising main Shall banish child and maid. Thy doors I dare not open now, Thy windows give no view ; ’Tis late ; I will not bathe, I vow: I dress myself anew. Set wide the door. All round is sea! * Hold ti Sir!” voices call, And in the , jerked from thee, I tumble, clothes and all! O blessed thing! this earth we pace Thy haunt should never be, A quite unmentionable place at is fit home for thee! STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY. No. III. It is with the ible that Prag dave ed a yng) mp haar ys ing example of the New Poetry. It is taken from a collection entitled ‘‘ Rhymes of the These Rhymes are intended to the everyday life of the British his manly an “" ilk fighter hi . ple . prize- , his simple joys, his conversational excellences, his indomitable pluck. The author has never been a prize-fighter himself, but he claims for these es the merit of abso- lute truth in every detail. In any case it is uite certain that every critic who reviews the volume will say of it, that no previous book has ever nted to us, with such com- — fidelity, the British prize-fighter as he ives and moves, and has his bei not the Fee ovine Imariantion of tas public ple e imagination of the public pic- tures as haunting the giddy palaces of eam, and adored by the fairest of the air, but the rough, uncouth, simple creature to whom we Britons owe our reputation for pluck and stamina. How the critic knows this, never having been a prize-fighter him- self, and never having associated with them, is a question which it might be difficult to answer. Pat, At ate —. critic will guarantee the ‘‘ Rhymes of the Ropes.’ If some of Mr. Punch’s readers, while recognising the force and go of the lines, shall think them tant soit peu coarse and brutal, the fault must not be ascribed to Mr. Punch, be to the i young antes. Moreover, Mr. Punc eave to say, t squeamishness of that kind is ios more and more absurd every day under in- fluence of the New Poetry and its professors. Here then is— KNOCKED OUT. By Mr. R*p**ap K*r.*na, On it’s bully when I land ’em with a counter on the jaw, When the ruby’s all a drippin’ and the conks are red and raw; And it’s bully when I’ve downed ’em, and the lords are standin’ booze, Them lords with shiny shirt-fronts, and their patent-leather shoes. But you’d best look jolly meek When you’re up afore the beak, For they hustle you, and bustle you, and treat you like a dog. And its ’O y for you For a month or may be two, Where the Widow keeps a mansion and pur- vides you with your prog. It was ’ero’ere and ’ero there, I might ’ave been a King, ’urraying as I stepped into For to ear ’em ‘ip ring, When I faced the Tipton Slasher, me and’im in four-ounce gloves, Just to make us look as armless as a pair o’ bloomin’ doves. Then I bruises ’im and batters, And ’e cuts my lips to tatters, And I gives’im ’alf a dozen where ’is peepers um to be. nd ’e flattens out my nose With a brace of bally blows, Which I ’ardly ’ad expected from a pug as couldn’t see. Next round the Slasher’s groggy, ’e ’angs ’i ’ands and gropes (I’d knocked him orf ’is legs at last) a-feelin’ or the ropes. And, lor, ’e looked so cheerful with ’is face a mask of red That ‘I bust myself with laughin’ when I the ’ead. ed ’im on Then they counted up to ten, But ’e couldn’t rise again ; 'E gasped a bit, and puffed a bit, and laid there in a ’eap. And I Fora t of seven " Which was all the time it took me for to put my man to sleep. q| Ah, the soft ums call it brutal; there’s Mr. H. P. Cons, And ’is talk, which isn’t pretty, about ruffians (meanin’ us). I'd like to tap ’## claret when ’e’s up and on e job, And send ’im ‘ome a ’owlin’ to ’is mammy or is nuss. But I’d rather take the chuck For a show of British pluck, And do my month in chockee, and eat my skilly free ; And I'll leave the curs to snivel With their Ouse o’ Commons drive! Which may suit a pack of jaw-pots, but, gosh, it don’t suit me. ** Wuat I suffer from, at this time of year, when I go into the country,” says Mrs. R., “tis ‘Flybites.’” She pronounced it as a word of three syllables, and then added, **I rather think the learned way of spelling it is * Phlybites.’” VOL, CII. c

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[Jory 16, 1892. y/ > <q) , 4) i wh amlia\Y) \} ih ; === y 1 PAY ps =

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THE NOBLE KNOT HE MADE.” —Coriolanus, Act. IV., Scene 2. ' I WOULD HE HAD CONTINU’D TO HIS COUNTRY AS HE BEGAN, AND NOT UNKNIT, HIMSELF. j ated ae | Lat od ay . PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI, — i; t, Ny of if WY id F io HENGENIOUS IDEA. aL) ft WS Early Visitor. ‘* WHY, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MATHILDE,—TURNING Your Bovporr Into A Povttry Yarp?” Mathilde, ‘‘ WELL, MY DEAR, AS IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO RELY ON GETTING New-LaIp Ecos in Town, I HAVE HAD MY PET CocHIN- CHINA UP FROM THE COUNTRY, AND SHE IS THOROUGHLY TO BE TRUSTED!” CORIOLANUS. “ T would he had continu’d to his country As he began, and not unknit, himeelf, The noble knot he made.” Coriolanus, Act IV., Scene 2. “His Majesty discriminates betes’ the Prince Bismancx of former times, and of to-day and is anxious that his Government should avo everything which might tend to diminish, in the eyes of the German nation, the familiar figure of its greatest Statesman.”— Instructions to Imperial German Representatives abroad :— Caw this be he who “‘ At the Ga Of Janus’ Temple stood of old, and bo! a So ‘ancy limns him, who’li not cease > etch cluncsiies Ad brain antes Punch sang. And now he lifts Warlike, against a Patriot Peace. Calm wander thea. challenger now. The tower he reared would he attack, _Because—they have not called him back Like Crvcinwatvs from the plough ? “The wounds that he doth bear for Rome,” Should —_ wide-lipped against ‘the The new Coriolenus:! Strange, So great a past to this should come ! The imperious Roman, banished, bared Against Rome’s walls a traitor blade. But you—re is scarce your trade, Hero, in faction’s mazes snared. © See Cartoon “ At year 1963. the Gates,” p. 151, vol. 85, uilt,”” hilt, The shirt of Nessus poisoned not, Nor ange ~ as you ee Yet you knew On yee bare the blot. What should it say, Count Hanrry’s ghost, Could it beside rear couch appear, And whisper in his foeman’s ear ? Share you not that which shamed him most ? You flaunt the Press against the Throne ? ou bare State secrets to the crowd ? You who against the Mob were loud, With mockery Mancrvs well might own ? It doth not fit a splendid past. The Sentinel in arms array of aS the Citadel, a shade o’er glory’s sheen will cast. +, illustrious name of Brsmarc« blot With no such treason as could dim The Roman’s glory, nor, like —, Yourself unknit your ‘* noble knot” ! THAT DUTCHMAN OOMS. Atn—‘' The Admiral's Broom.” (J. J. K. Ooms, an amateur sculler from Am- sterdam, won easily the “Diamond Sculls” at Henley this year, beating V. Nick xs, and others of our crack oars. On, Ooms was a champion brave and bold, The D Dutchman’s pride was he ; And he cried, ‘I can row on the Thames, I As well as the Zuyder Zee, {know, As well as the Zuyder Zee!” And as his boat he set afloat, And looked o’er the Henley tide, He saw all England taki And he trimmed his seu Leer eted —( Bis.) **T’ll win those ‘ Sculls!’ ” said he, ** The ‘ Diamond Sculls’ for me ! That the world may know, wherever I go Thames yields to the Zayder Zee! ”’ ( Bis, Cried Jonw Bruix, “‘Here! You Dutchman To-day you must row with me; ([queer! For while I ride Thames’ silver tide, 1’ll be second to none,” said he **T’ll be second to none,” said he. So they blazed away at that Dutchman gay, Stout Nickats, brave Boyp, and all— But the Datehman’s ship our ‘best did whip, And Bott eried to his merry men all, (bis) **We’re whipped, boys, for once,” said he, “It’s a whip that’s a licker to me.’ Right well Ooms pulls, and the ‘ Diamond Are gone to the Zayder deat ! — (Beulls’ Van Tromp with his broom made free, But this Ooms has * ” Hen-ley. Here’s his health! But oh! those Sculls, you know, Must come back from the Zuyder Zee.” Some Comrort.—Harrow beat Eton at Lords’ last week. The Etonians have some consolation in the fact of the Head-Master of Harrow being an Etonian. Without doing violence to their feelings, they can simply pronounce the Head-Master’s name, say, ‘ell done, Harrow!” re" deappornted Aether, wohees Work hae a Pp, ut 2 or en recently cx up in the Press).—‘ Kpiyras del Vebora:,” T.e., **Critics are always liars.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jour 16, 1892,

UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. Gladstonian Dentist (to Tory Patient). *] HAVE THE MOST PROFOUND ADMI- With such a ive name, "this author will show RATION—MovuTH A LITTLE MORE OPEN, THANKS—FOR THAT GREAT MAN, | himself a AS nill if he does not at once turn his Pern. ULADSTONE,—AND IT WAS ONLY LAST WEEK— rescued by a spectator who, I was determined to howe his share, in spite of the First Men ! Back to town, Sey was over on Thursday, to find everybody wild with “‘ election fever.” A large group surrounding the ‘* tape’’ at the Club (I belong to the ‘‘ Amazon,” of course), and ordering lemon squashes when a seat was lost, and whiskey and seltzer when the reverse was the case! Oh, this Election! Thank goodn: a off to Newmarket, to spend the week with Sir Newman and Gatesneap, with a distinct feeling of relief at getting back rl business after this fortnight of exciting relaxation ! Next weck’# racing furnishes Lite a lengthy menu, with several attractive entrées, some ee ten dishes ; in fact, a programme which appeals strongly to every racy palate. I come q to believe it possible—it would be nearer | | do not propose to work my way through the entire menu (not th, as dear Mrs. Ramspornam ce it, | fancy — waves high.”) I had to sit all day of the Bobolink, with a life- belt or something round my waist !|—and having made the a palntanse of 0 coast outh who could swim, I implored him not to {ms oo Ah! he was nice !— and he di ‘tthe whole day long. I need not tell you I didn’t notice the racing much, but did take an interest in two of the contests ; viz.— (I don’t yaey « what * viz.”’ means—but I do know T am it Diamonds a 1’m told, for tk ll th Mr. of an athletic steak), Englishmen! The oth sj wl Challenge. ee from its title, the most

> a. pen A neice te - ma worth attention my great e or Tr réwtalance” at Sandown ; pvgry Ses Bw ket— Handicap a Duke of Devonsmrer’s “ choke pen. bows n.gut en Oat" Boek” ohen attacki Stakes ; and to wind up with dessert, worthy of a D, take a “* Meddler.” If this conglomeration o qoot See See ee much for you, travel back to town in time for wae ee week ; but, if upset, don’t blame, Yours de ** Ecrrpse Stakes Sevectron.”’ Wi on Gouverneur, Orme, and such giants to the cool calm of a Prato e thet PR ey et et seotyee the ban i” But I think it will be ‘* Orvieto

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Juuy 16, 1892]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 17

OPERATIC NOTES. Tuesday.— Premiere of Elaine. Beupenc Com Lfon-Jeniw Conductor, and Sir Drevrtotanvs Producer. House, mined to give New Opera a fair hearing, and sit it out. Don’t get a new Opera every day. to In a ge way. “In a first to quote the Composer of the recent was complacently listening to the gets rid of all superfluity in S the Com "s brain, and saves the listenin critic mue ht Peneg SR Se epee es Elaine ae but didn’t appear. Joun THE : Risxy, the Launcelot of Opera, unwell. * Not Launcelot, but another!” cried Sir DavrioLayvs, only there wasn’t another. So Carmen was played. ‘‘ Not this this Elaine,” continued Sir Avevstus, Fee ey oot So away | po tear the Trumpeter of the German Band. This Trompeter ssi eo bogieges os atrampis a small house, but ’tis truampery One old musie-hall ditty, the words of aie were, Lamhe : abe ee itwas. *?

I followed on, tra la la'” constantly recur. Who originated it? Unwonted excitement of told on shattered which, on account of its being the home Should be renamed Mer-maiden evening the Rules” up his * Quis supperabit ?” asked the Dr. B. a A pen ten fpr dre And “‘ supper- m unum 7 Eig gee Ey an cum '92 chickeno, by &c ** My om Pens !” gaid Crrricus Reprvives. ‘ Dr. Barris, rid bay-liss ‘aeet ‘vith the accent on the ‘‘ iss.” Sohome. Afterall the and Ee Caeepecatio life, I am with “‘ chicken eadthempeene” ’ content.

MORE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE ALCOHOLIC QUESTION. (A few remarks on Dr, Robson Roose’s Article in New Review.) SS Read-cooeary” orm Your peetey name or rink or drink. Hence- 2. * * Food-accessory” forth let the butler toast goes round.” Let 4 Sot tt places where they have every Smest “ What | one accessory will you take, Sir?” . 3. "* The use of Alcohol dates yu my a up-stairs (if «« Near’ Hawpep Purvis.” en, ae ey join | the ladi “A contribution » tm Alcohol The Keer te very prone to become Q affected. ” The question is, first, Is ** an evil liver” or ‘‘ a good liver”’ here intended ? But, “ey hon this, any affectation i in a liver, good or bad, is objectionable. It must be en for granted, i in a serious discussion on the subject, that ‘‘a slave to his liver” is a synonym for ‘‘a livery servant.” The one objection to a livery servant lies in vey Be fact ; i a slave to liver is rarely in : good humour, and is gen ty lazy, and disobliging. * Wine comes in, rubs off t poh nnd and brings all down to the same level of humour.” The end of such a happy party is, of course, all under the table, smiling, but speechless. ss but beautiful they lay, A gleam was in their half-closed eye, But still they murmured with a sigh, Hic-shelsher-wa’. Dr. Roperts, as a his aaafins Rossow Rooserev Pasna, appears to be a very sensible Dr. Ronerts—he is not Dr. Arruvur Roperts, we the liqueur to be judi- siously taken at meal-times, And, by the way, > when to cry, * h!” is most u here is another test of sobriety in this very , yore — some, after a couple f glasses (or more) of fine nee as h sues spelt ‘* seducious,” and some me wil sea it gr be, to be ** jusi- dious.” When nobody can the bibendi, if himself absolutely sober as jue bee vs to a man quite “‘ above-board,” btoe not - under it, ein pty tat pronounce quiteenough. Itis a pity 80 coment ¢ a Be on temperance aie have the disad - vantage of ural pono Pi af after dinner, a bserved, h Stren a little eee Mae chook’ be not de> Doctors R. 4 i the meantime, to show our of Dr. Renews Rossen Faene aith, we, as his health, and then Keoarh fon ous same

Lawyw Tennis Inretticence.—Bapperay has taken the cake.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Jory 16, 1892. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. (Lady Festus At Home—2 A.M.) FTostess, *‘ Ont tust comn, Six Guonce! Pe Sete es How coop or you To Comes so Lats!” OUT OF IT! (The Lay of the Non-Elected.) Then a warm-faced functionary read the “ Declaration "—when \ sort of sinking sickness took Smrru in the abdomen ; And he smiled a sickly sort of smile, and stalked out at the door, And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more ! Bret Harte adapted. His poll was taken early (it was not on Saturday), And he lost by seven hundred, and is out of the fierce fray ; And whether he rejoices, or internally repines, May be clear to the wiseacres who can ‘‘ read between the lines.’ It was hot, too, while it lasted, and of epidemic ills The Election Fever ** takes the cake.” But for far and wide contagion, and for agony acute, Its supremacy is certain as its sway is absolute. And he had it very badly. But the frenzy of the meeting bro And his thorax is still husky with To the mustered working-men at the hour of mi How they swarmed about his waggon! How their oil The summer air with fragrance that his fine olfactories thrilled How very loud their shouts were, and how very rude their jeers, And how very strong the bouquet of clay pipes and bitter beers ! His arguments amused them, and his peroration fine, About “‘ standing for old England stoutly all along the line,” Would have surely proved impressive, but for some sardonic ass, Who produced an anti-climax with the shouted comment ‘‘ Gas!” ’Tis true it seldom kills, He looks convalescent now, ht the crimson to his brow, Then the mob broke up in laughter, to return to pipe and can, And—plumped for his opponent pretty nearly to a man; For of all ungrateful cynics, and of Commend me (says our wanderer), to the workmen of our towns. That confounded “local Club” Institute and Chapel with a savour of the pub.) 1 impervious clowns, Where the pallid-faced cheesemongers, and the clammy-handed snobs, peers ene: to “‘patronise” him, was the toughest of tough obs. Its rooms were wondrous stuffy and its members scarce ‘‘ good orm, For they mostly dropped their aitches, and they always looked so warm. Why political enthusiasts so run to noise and heat pe f= = manners, and bad grammar, is a cruz that’s hard to beat. But he bore it,—yes, he bore it; he shook heaps of ’»rny’ands, __ Heard the shindy of their shoutings, and the braying of their ands ; Stood their “* heckling,” which was trying, and their praises, which were worse, ‘ (purse. All the claims upon his time, and taste, his patience, and his Then they om ~ = i him by three figures! Well, he’s ‘‘ out of i ’ And he offs it by the Special” to the river or the sea. He heard the ‘‘ Declaration,” and the rival Party’s roar, And—* the subsequent proceedings interested him no more.” “** Latest Results ! Helections!!’ Oh, confound the boy! Get out ! Let the winners sum their winnings, let their blatant backers shout. What have I to do with pollings? Cease, cacophonous urchin, cease | I am going to read The Wrecker, and possess my soul in peace!” “D. G.” arp Mrs. R.—Mr. Punch begs to congratulate the Daily Graphic on the electioneering ladder showing every day the position of the Parties. Very ‘Happy Thought.” His ancient friend, Mrs. Ram, in speaking of this journal, observed, that ‘* Daily Graphic was not b ene a new name, and the paper ought to have been y trical, as the person after whom it is evidently called. was the celebrated actor, you know, my dear, in the last century, whom Dr. Jomnson used to call ‘ Little y Graphic.’”’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jvury 16, 1892. OUT OF IT! (‘* And the subsequent Proceedings interested him no more.’’) |Newsparer-Bor. “’ERE: Y’ARE, SIR! LATEST RESULTS 0’ THE POLL, SIR!” Revecrep Canpapate (growls). ““OH! GO TO THE DEUCE!!”

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~ at Cy OS MELO L LS POS OS ' ‘

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Jour 16, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 21 SY MA A AN HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. Lady Godiva, “‘ Now Promise Mx, You DEAR GOOD MAN, PROMISE ME YOU "LL Vore ror Lorp James, AND I '1t1—J'LL piv row A Tiss!” — THE END OF HENLEY. (Fragment from a Historical Sketch yet to be written.) It was shortly after the middle of July, 1892, that the Great Re- presentative of the British Race stood upon the. Victoria Embank- ment, watching the river-steamers as they fro, were few persons about, for the General civilised London was out of Town, Some of seating of serviceable paint. Great Representative boyd his head, and by fo peters, invited f further am connected wi literary world, and am a Tam 1, oF used to be known (for | am getting a trifle out of date), aus knew Macavutay’s New-Zealander a ta riety forte or ighthoods for Sheriffs, and a Yor.” o . the New-Zealander, ‘‘I was certainly informed, by wire, that the glory of Britain had had vanished for ever.” “* Very likely an Election cry,” ‘ange § =, Punch. “In the midst of SS ee ee sides think the success of their rivals must be followed by imme- diate disaster. But somehow or other, things settle down | and nothing comes of ever side wins, old flag floats in the wind as gaily ar I Sociale told that the of yet | was y -_ land had set never to rise ent yy ff ed ie Dime 5 Semeniper the conse was semathing to dove Pay, Be pane et pate ge ny ae ty a a “Ah , now I take your meaning. Bm, a + e Tle. " “That must be it,” ae the New-Zealander, ‘I had forgotten to totake into account possible errors in trans- mission. But tell me, has there been a national defeat?” ‘Well, yes,” admitted Mr. Punch, with a - an did not come out al er satisfactorily. second man was a Frenc an—albeit, his name ~ magoeliee of dear old Scotland.” * And do lyou mean to say,” said the New-Zealander, that the best scullers of England were beaten by a from the Seine ?’ ** It is too true, andthe Frenchman himselfjsuccumbed to a Dutchman—yes, we confess it, and with shame.”’ “IT don’t see why you should And considering the t, there was perhaps Pot Doms | in the present, of ' Old Holland.” | Van Tromp in the pas nothing so strange in the triumph of “TO PAY OR NOT TO PAY, THAT IS THE BISLEYNESS.” Mr. Puncu,—I see that the receipts of the Goreponel to snake the Bisley Mosting this year f e eeting this Ongar than its : geedscostens, ‘The Comp Camp pe BE Hy But oo Ned that Rifle-shooting is not the sole busi- , and the way is cl for more amusing oi to = ween A . —_ -failure into a trium pereeown is a Manager who could combine entertainment 6 A.M. >the The Camp awakes, and, to the music of the band, gets Beterved seats in band- enclosure, sixpence extra. 7AM.— Ascent. — at the sun with poresvens by i Per in utes, five shillings a- ce rot B Burro Bri before his Cepastare as usual. t, angmented by Menagerie from Travelling the —, ill en-coniial a-crown. emepeaston of Scene from Venice in London, under the “The Bridge are Sighs within measuring distance of Woking Cemetery.”’ Season tickets, half-a- lla. ml ll of the Battle of Water be veterans, late of "s . Families and schools half- 12 Noow.—Visit of Royalty, and Presentation rot Purses. No Purse containing less than two pounds ten. 1 p.w.—Grand Luncheon, with speeches ty Ge the esting Military Authorities, followed by a Smoking Concert. any apenas 2 p.u.—Variety Show, including several of we best ian Comiques, performances of the Bounding B illings. Soldiers in uniform sditted K. inea. tative bowed. gue gt his i and | the Ladies’ Sixteen “* You see you are slightly premature,” sentative, pointing . more or less majestic pi * There was some talk of rebuilding the structure ago, but a viaduct near the Tower was considered . | tion may be ival, Vicissitudes of the Volunteers.” Seats, ainepene. There, mae dose Oe, | I think I have written cocagh. yee wes time to spare the shooting might carried pos but business is business, and « only by the means I have indicated kr mooted inthe ot spirit in eich its ofted. I romain Drvipewp Berore Derence. The Money Grubberben » the Foray of Shillingsworth-in-the- Pound.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Jury 16, 1892, the British Public.) Life” —is cou of particu- ‘erly, stern and stolid attendants. Each Peri trying to wear out the en- durance of the rest, and to propitiate the doorkeepers by ez- emplary behaviour. A Meek Man (to Doorkeeper, after stand- ing in silence Sor three-quarters of an hour). I suppose bs "ll be a chance of get- ting in presently, eh ? The keeper ( pla- cidly). None whatever, Sir. The M. M. But they "ll be rising for luncheon in an hour or so, some will be coming | out then, surely ? Door Not many ; them as are in stays in, mostly. The M. M. (with a sudden recollection that he w acquainted with one of the Counsel en- in the case). Youldn’t you take in my card to Mr. Tan- rrecp? I’mesurehe’ll do anything he could for me. [The rest regard him | with extreme dis- of wunsportsmanlike behaviour. | Doork. It won't be } mo use — there ain't | room in there as it is for a billiard - cue — leastwise (conscien- a | a stoutish one | —but I'll get it taken in for you, if you hike. [He opens the door a very little, and passes the card to an atten- dant within. Junior Members o7 the Junior Bar (in ver clean white wigs, with hauteur). henge ou general public there isn’t. | Savour, as one guilty The Ji ON THE THRESHOLD OF THEMIS.' (A Sketch in the New Law Courts in anticipation of the very next ‘* Cause Céltbre” that may have the good fortune to enlist the sympathies of Scenr—A Corridor outside the Courts appropriated to the Common Law Division of the High Court of Justice. At each of the doors of the Court where the Great Trial of Arkass v. Arkass and Ambo—twhich abounds in “ ; proceeding, a group of would-be auditors has collected, waiting with the patience of r admission to the forensic present, is full to overflowing, and the doors are guarded by a do when you're before one of these confoun ere ought to be some rule about that, if please. Doork. 80 we do, Sir; but if this gentleman's a friend of Mr. Tawrietp’s, and he earsks me to admit him, why you see-—— unior Junior (witheringly). The convenience of mere| Members of the Bar must give way, analy ! [The inside Attendant returns with card, which the Doorkeeper | unlocks the door to receive, and then shuts it to with a sharp | click, like a wild-beast-tamer. Doork, (to the M. M., after : told you it wouldn’t be no use, Sir. “‘ Please wait,” it says. } General movement of virtuous satisfaction at this well-merited ‘ Second Doork. (grimly). rebuke. | fortnight The M. M. (wishing he had not put his trust in Tanrrety). I— I have waited—but it *t matter. (Addressing First White Wig, Srom a timid social impulse). The—er—Plaintiff made some + able admissions in the box yesterday—his cross-examination seemed pretty severe. _ First White Wig (after a stare at his audacity), Cross-examina- tion any os ge | is. = the other W. wi See that extra- decision old Juppen’s in Biling vy. Bulgin? Of course they ’ll appeal ! The couple converse in highly technical terms for some mi nutes. The M. M. (at the next pause). It struck me that Colonel Arkass able Peris for a chance of rather contradicted himself on one or two points. The Paradise,at Second W. W. Very likely. (To First W. W. a do mon w ee 5 , and see a ooking up a point o Equity in a Se uri our ar; ent Do you wait for him ? irst W. W. (with all the decision of a Counsel who was called the Term before last). Wait for him? — Soything ‘you ike, tll anything you like, ti he’s ready to — to you in. at ’s what 7 always do! P An I peers ant tra ( ing up; to Soshupael Sue, I say, let me in, will you! Doork. You a Wit- ness in this case, Sir ? The Imp. 8. lafter a tell-tale pause). Er—yes —in a sort of way, y’ know. Doork. Then your entrance is down below Sir, in the Central "all —you ll see it written up there. The I. 8. Haw—well, I’m not ezactly a wit- ness, but I’m interested in the case, cae. Doork. are all these Gentlemen, Sir— but they can’t get in. he I. 8S. No— but look here. I know the criminals — ’tleast I don’t mean to call ’em that, y’know — hope they’re all innocent, I’m sure. I like ’em all; danced with ’em and all that, lots of times. Doork. Ah, well, you see they ain’t dancin’ to-day, Sir. (The I. 8. bustles away ; there is a stir within ; the portion of the crowd in Court that is visible through the glass-doors heaves convulsively, and pre- sently produces a stout ling Q.C.). Make way there! Stand aside, Gen nsel coming out ! ; > comes out, ng, followed by his Clerk and a Client. | First W. W. (as the chasm in the crowd closes again). Now you ean let us in! Doork. (stolidly). Not yet, Sir. (To other Doork.) | I see that | part n last night—you know—him as was here making all that Thinay aay afore yesterday. I went and ’ad a drink with ’im. Second Doork. (interested). Ah, and ’ow was he ? First Doork. Oh, same as usual—boozed. Told me he’d come up I | from Glasgow for a week’s spree—and he seems to be ’aving it, too. | Going ’ome Saturday, so he sez. ll be lucky if he gets there Saturday revelations in High aradise within. “ No—but look Aere. I know the Criminals! had orders to let Counsel in before the! and st card by the dim light). ght!

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| SKIOL EKV2 HHL LV OLLKVILY HHL AV SXGIOS BLOG KO AITION KE, 100 HA, 10 ‘yuuoomg | .MIAVH K, 10 AVG V 1VEM», ‘SSHOLNNO SIH Ni oe W “A 7 2 Wh = i} 1 + WW gy TR 7, dea 4s oi) Jang rer fe Ae Zi =——7, yy 4 ON ee Uj, ZZ NY y, eL + — = Ss \ = XY Sail K yt 4 . ih / i ee ’ ~ ‘ A) 4 = , PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Cowl. j/ awa, & 4 giwe~ ME rl Se

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= 24 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juve 16, 1892. A en Murmurs RK ASS- joying himself. from the luck finishing his cross-examination . Got a nasty one just ‘then, I expect would or in a I’d as soon believe ’im TOW a as the bor yet . reg lar bad lot, won't change m whichever way Well, I ’aven't fcllowed it close ae : Oh, no more have only yat still I’ve made long ago about it, (&e. | sudde nly returning, I say, they ’re letting | in all sorts of people—barristers, I, at that other door! Doork, Can’t ’elp that, Sir ; ain’t the other door— 7 a to them about it ! he I. 8. (naively). in and so on of Kin I see he I. 8. dignant). ja the paper, tied a moment ? Cx Doork. Sir Atrrep ain't in this he’s engaged in another yurt- Case. it The O. RB. lemme in, I te Doork. Send in a message for yer, if that "Il do. light). th M don't ! The I sa at it wasn t it’s * First W.W. b> my mind Well, I har e told me to come here! [General snigger, amidst which he departs in disgust. A Small Office- Boy (with a strip | Sir Hatrerm ALLABYE | "Is Clurk ‘ll do— ’s "ighly ~ log better (The O. B. says it | doesn’t signify, and bolts.) Artful! thinks he'll sneak in, and —_ his dinner-hour there—but 1 M. M. (who has been ex- amining his card under a gas- I ve just found out ** Please wait” that r. TANPIELD wrote on my card | ‘Please Admit !”’ [A general titter of incredulity. | (to Second W. W as | She ain’t been .. No, but she’s from what was said in the opening speech. sa my . wr i case “~ this | you should red tape). | Young Ingenious—but a trifle transpare nt that, eh ? His friend smiles knowingl; The M. M. (roused), Do you mean to suggest that I—— ae Hi _ First W. W. Oh, not at all—I wasspeaking to my ed here. 'e chokes. Bar! Peris who can just see the witness-boxr But you really must allow that, if an through the glass panel), Who's that in the box? That’s Colonel it should be given—equitably, and o Doesn’t seem to be See how he’s tugging at his moustache... any Deeiosense is shown at all, right—t6 Members of the Chorus from the other Peris. sm they ’ve stood here nearly as OLD TIMES REVIVED. Portrait of Candidate making his Third Speech o on same day. - ainet them as ever. cat te , The |in? Here, come long as you have. You must wait your turn, like the rest of us! No | preferences ‘ere! We’ve got as much right to go in as you. Mr. TaNFrEeLp wants ppm admitted ‘over our heads, let him come and let you in himself! Wow any one /goes in first, it ought to be Bar- risters! (&c., &c.) Doork. (impartially). Weil, it ain’t o’ much uence, Gentle- , | men, for I can’t le none of you in at nt (The M M. simmers with oP yt E wonders if it is worth while to mention t he ha, to be a Barrister him- self, and wishes to enter for a4 carta nd leptimete erpece _ ie font ‘or an contributing on The ie of ta Be a. 9 > the ** Nineteenth C. ” On Oo aa he thinks he better no Doork. ro ‘the crowd in Court is again convulsed), Clear the way there! Court rising—Counsel com- ing at Ah, this is Mr, Tay- i The Peris ( wae Wigs and all), Now we (They regard ‘the M. M. with anticipato old triumph. Mr. Tanfie mit). we: and recognising t y, my dear eden, won't im A let’ you with me! He his arm th A the UE Mn walks with him'to the Siler door, murmurs a request for his admission, and the next moment the M. M. is safe in og ther B his desire. fier The ot eris (looking a = i. viously). v=. of all the ence ! [They are swept eside. by the aan ‘ate emerging Counsel, pe. tors, §c., and re-assemble, to pitilessly closed ind the doors as ly Mite Wigs threaten to write to ** Law Times” on the subject, and are r hvala vation by the rest as Champions of Popular RACINE, WITH THE CHILL OFF. Barriep by official prud from Holy Writ, yet resolve shall be bracketted together on the muster-roll of has undertaken to re-write Ractne’s Phédre for On his Hobby. La fanfaronnade, la rée actress. and insipidly-correct verses which in the production of his poetic epi that the names of Samant ee tae Phédr oun, Wipe In his version the smoothly-chaste our grand- mothers learnt to recite, and our —_— fathers pretended to admire on the nko of the classic Racwet, will give place to school of Baupetarre and VaLies. we have been fortunate in obtaining an échan- tillon of this great work. ACTE IL., Scenz 3. Phédre, Phédre. Je me meurs a’ ennuie. tail, et vite! none. Mon éven- {aimez Hirppotrre ! (none. Madame, je devine votre mal. Vous Phedre. Hiproryts! Imbécile, j'aime est le vice, ce que C’est un fat odieux, (inown. Homme je le déteste, Mais comme fils de mon mari |’aimer c’est l’in—— none Sembent Le vies, Ueno ue veut dire Madame ? la parele d’une facon exécrable— NE, sais-tu ce que c’est pay Peste! L’inconnu |’inconvenable.* Que la rose n’est pas rose eatene Esprit terre-a-terre, Non, tu ne les connais —, les délices du fumier. Tu ne sais oe a Ke itoiles dam dans Jegou Tes i oe a (Enone Phédre. oo fin Diablesse cede est. 1s EY a sa cle, qui se nomme Astarté, gigantesque, aux boyaux d’airain, dans la ie attachée. Trou rouge ov o 5a Yon Jette des monceaux d’étres humains. Grille de fer ot la chair fume, les cheveux eet, Choses claires qui noircissent, "sombres choses qui brillent, Choses gu’on aime le Choses This brief sam La rime sans raison, l’audace, l’immondice, | the play tabooed L"horrible, l’eecentriqae, le sens-dessus-dessous, e, le sang, et la boue ; La bave fetide des bouches empoisonnées ; L’horreur, le meurtre, et le ‘* ta-ra-boum-de-ay ! Crois-tu que pour Hiproiy re j’ai le moindre cxtime ? Du tout! C’est mon beau fils, et l’aimer est un crime, us pour ce qu’elles n’existent pas, qui sé) ond hautes choses qu’on mettent bas, Paradis de ape ty of Mr. Wiipr’s muse may be less erudite than the Lonp CHAMBERLAIN, and may show a bolder | disregard of the stringent laws which govern French versification ; | but it is assuredly in harmony with the spirit of the age, and goes | far to bring Ractive up to date. * The fact that this word is not to be found in the dictionary must be set down as the fault of the language rather than of the poet. why not “ ineonvenable ”’ ? If “ convenable,” (} NOTICE —Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be mo exception Mar’ SS a WINE } AT EVERY cu CHL dco per dos. An eminent ding the bat on no ai nless it is we Detail OREL B THE BEST Recomna PNES & GE GOLD MEI MIZE MED. RARD Ata S fi & P. BRA! DINNE ACIDITY HEADAC &

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jutr 16, 1892, ASK FOR a THE Martell’s é a fa KO AK. Ts o hand especially Sih meeegir ps ape EPs “YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, Waters wr a tneall RES’ ” L WINE MERCHANTS AND GROORRS. ey sy _ - Continue to be supplied to AT EVERY BAR AND RESTAURANT. DLVSTRATED CATAL SSTALOOUS FEES Her Majesty the Queen. Tos RARTUAN PEOTY MATTELALA CL, BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH BED -GURIOUS OLD a ee cr marion o ) WHISKIES| CLARET. Special offer, worth Testing. 1000 doz. delicate 1888 Lamarque, An eminent oS a bending the mode at on n laa USED 1N " 18s. per doz., delivered. Jesa it e. inal Last om eppliaaion E ROVALWURSERIES. Tine, \/ 2/. 5 itfeath. | apuoin, PERRETT, & C0., Lo., Family Wine Merchanta, OREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), Sane & CHE Ta, Lower Belgrave St., London, §.W. 210, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; THE 143, REGENT ST. , A G. B. sky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B SAMBULI JELLY: AM -\ A R a b Bogen 4 06 ee IRRITATION tea ds BY HEAT, CHAFING THROUGH EXERTION, OR EXPOSURE TO THE SUM Contains m6 Bugar. 16 Rot stored in Sherry Casks. AT SEASIDE, FISHING, CRICKET, TENNIS, CYCLING, RIDING, AND ROWING, Yor DIABSPRS, GOUT, & KIDNEY coMPLanrTs. W H SKY wee ee ey aE name.” —Laneort. - per Doz. + y by OSBO BA CARRIAGE PAID. HE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. |,..Probacee Jal -wooxeunaata. aiming autte tcmeaue GEO, BACK & CO., TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. ~ BAUER ap and BATH) SOAP,” “NAPATHA SOAP,” FOR TEND ID IN THE PALACE AND THE SHIZLING. 19, eOLDae SQUARE, REGENT STREBT, LONDON, _ Devonshire Square, London. all Chemists and Atores. In Metallic Tubes or Bottles, is. THE BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. from the Highest Awards. °7 ‘Sample pest ee tthe Rewpeotor 4 - | | Recommended by the Medical Faculty. FI @) R | | N E. TNES & GRIEVE, EDINBURGH and LONDON. , FOR Tt TEETH 'D BREA GOLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. ho e Is thé BEST LIQUID ——, in thé World. LIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1686. KINAHAN’S re Law GLENISLE| 4 a ’ \ Fe I ay The Cream of | The Finest f ‘ Old Irish Whiskies. | Scotch Whisky Geld, f ! “SS : — WHISKIES. f, " PLORILIND TOOT POWDER csiy, GUILDFORD STREET, YORK ROAD, A ' r . Put up in glass jars. Price ts. fn LAMBETH, 58.8. . } ee a RARD PIANOS & HARPS| & +’ , =i 7 BEST Owe to peeereaene) Ate Special Red duly only. ap ERARD. seaatet the Retned saw : : Ss A: DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. wwe BLACK INK comgmermaoaans| Vial Aa | KNOWN, = | i | DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC) Of all Stationers. LonDoN Dero: HAYDEN & CO., told ony im Y-ounee Pachete and 241 runes, gad 1-Ih Tina which bewp the Tebage i tae emoting PR. = SEWLET » : = RAN as ‘Ask at all Todaceo Sellers’, Stores, &e., and take no other SNe, 5 B DRAPES, Lit., Dublia. Ro ER FIRST QUALITY SMOKERS as 228 CAUTIONED AGAINST IMITATIONS. R Ree SO CHINPAGH. The Genuine bears the Trade-Mark, “‘ Nottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tis. —— PLAYER'S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, in Packets containing 12, and Boxes of 24, Thé following extract from the “ Revizw or Revrbwe,” Nov., 1800, is of interest to every Smokes: Bc )) IC THE PIPE IN THE WORKHOUSE —The pietirre drawn by Gur Helge? of the poor old on ine workhouse, paffing away at an empty pipe, has touched the hearts of seme of od? earrespondam@. who dates ffem the High Alps, and signs himecif “ Old Screw,” says “IL Bave been étr@ek with Sake =e gestion in the Qetober timber of the Kevin’ Reviews tc sr ateheme te supply shok ert ie Ghion @urkte ‘1 i Y houses with tobacco. I am afraid, judged by the ordinary standards, lam the most selfish of mortals, as I never give a cent away for purposes of so called charity , but this scheme of yuurs appeals at once to the of » hardeped and inveterate smoker Tate } i handed, 1 onl ot sue pert gostactig bol for and ope & oo ae ae wy compels, bea round the Continent for the ncit nine months. I can, however, do a little, SuOEr aT iis to contriuaie s pound of what 1 concer > me USL Spine, et: ‘PLAYER'S RAVY CUT (this is not an advertisement). s

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Te By os : er Sig Mo staged ig - oe jPod se lr Se ™ 7 le ake Cee eee Cee a re ape gE Te 4 7 ' a 4 rl gp 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jouxy 16, 1892. aired dl! = > Y YY SS SS >= SSS SS = — oe Mpeg Zi ADBURY'S COCOA “The Typical Cocoa of English NO GHEMIGALS USED manufacture—Absolutely Pure.” ;,, Analyst. (As in the so-called Pure Foreign Cocoas) ; Stuart . . the Parish of St. M c of , at the Messrs. a . & Co, Limited, Ta wtreet, yoy tt tny st Londen, ona pe Siiabed bp him ot Ko. bs, ot Bir treet, im the wAsh of BE bead, Coty of London-basenact, duhy 14, tom, Loraine Koad, Hollows im the Precinct of W bitefriars, in the Cit