Punch 1892-06-11: Vol 102 Iss 2657

Page 1

r L By the Author of “MR. PUNCH’S YOUNG RECITER.” Nearly SONGS & Ready Mr. Punch’s Model Music-Hal DRAMAS for . i blication Collected, Improved, & Re-arranged from “ PUNCH.” By F. ANSTEY, Author of “ Vice Versa,” &e. l : 7 With 13 full-page and a number of other Illustrations. Price a/6. ] xa ™~ o™ % om At tte OIA Uh

7 ~ wv oC “SBONS3d 33NUHL BOK VOLUME CII. — o— JUNE ll, > 4 u > u fe) a) z a J = 2 aie

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, * hd LONDON. LIEBIG ‘COMPANY'S’

EXTRACT OF BEEF. | peereer purity agsowwrety euaranreeo. Kiezisicred at the General ost Office as a Newspaper.)

Page 2

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juwez 11, 1892. Where Shall We GoP d by A. R. HOPE MONCRIEF?P A Guide to the | HEALTH AND HOLIDAY RESORTS of | ENCLAND, SCOTLAND, & IRELAND. Ss. 6d FAits In Paper Boards, 2°. 6¢.; in Cloth A. & C. BLACK London Ww ROOK KY FPF. ANSTEY THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. seones Reprinted from Purce.) Ny F. ANSTEY, Author of “ Vice Versd,” @e With sstrations by J Heasaao Pamraipes. Post tte, Se Londen Lewowswa, Geers, & Co New ¥ ks, 64. each, at al) Rooksetiers’ FAC ES AND PLACES. By H.W. P lilustrated STORIES. AND INTERLUDES. | ine Canadian (ance THE JOL L Y PASHAS. the Story ee Seciety. Ny J A. Srecaar H.AKRY & U0., Houy verte St. Matet New Pop of ite kind Tee Tiwre “ vation price Ss. 64, Now Ready THE | og wr a Romance. by the same Author, he Gd cach Hs “PONDMAN *THE LITTLE | MANX NATION Leadon: We. Hemewane, 21, Redford 8t., W | | MISS BRADDONS NEW NOVET | is, atall Libraries, now reac THE VENETIANS, pred, wae Author of “ Vixen Lady London “aban 6 on. AMITED | SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. Mewers Whe dahane web nngpne for immediate use a ver ogee ‘osuprtneene YS’ and YOU rns ¢ ch OTHIN for the wear of Gentile men, Hoye, or Ladies, with their together “er furnishes details of the variows Grpartments, with Price Lists, &e BLISS'S Chi: Nor ton Tweeds, Chevicts, HK . @e. A very wege Bem Linent of the productions of this eminent firm is always kept im stock SAM UEL BROTHERS, uuateten. &c..6 & ©, Lenore a Mercha ’ H aN L B- -~ Hill vent Oh Gray's Inn Road. most effective ip esto- FER BRAVAIS thoud and enabling the Constitution to | eBiet ring the vitality of the | climatic influences, Od general debiilty. PER BRAVAIS tor" wtea Sea “ceuass tated eutidren LANCIT “A beautiful and interesting ' or. peration.” BHITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL. — t has al! (he good eflects of .ron without producing comatipation or disturbing ine Ogee or and it does not biacken the tee. hn” OLS BT 4... \ BEMISI6 WITH DROF MEASURE. CALY X-EYED NEEDLES ow we hau Post , from HENY miiWaDea “a SONS, Waenrono Mitta, Revorre SAMUREI | PRICES. In Gold . | ’ FIRST—AND—FOREMOST. BROWN & POLSON'S CORN FLOUR. ~ First produced and designated SROwN & POLSON in 1856; CORN FLOUR by not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has now an equal claim to the public confidence. & LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. TAMAR INDIEN FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids. Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and a mw te gm ge GRILLON. E. GRILLON, SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS 69, Queen Street, City, London. AND DRUGGISTS, 2g. Gd. A BOX. HOWELL & JAMES, Ltd., 6.7 & 9 REGENT ST., LONDON, THE NEW PATENT “Self-Closing” Bracelets, Mover Sip in Whatever Position Placed. CLOSED “The Bracelet of the Future.” Set with Gems ” With Watch centre ,, VaRrETY OF PATTERNEG. HYGIENIC PREPARATIONS FOR THE TEETH. Prepared by A. FRIEDERICH, Dentist to His Majesty the late King of Holland. BLIZIB, 4s. 21. and 2s. G4. por bottle. TOOTH PASTE, Peppermizt or Clove Flavour, ls. 64, and 2. 64. per pot. IDEAL TOOTH PASTE, 1s. per pot. TOOTH POWDER, 34., 64., abd 1s. per bez. Te be obtained of all Perfumers, Chemists, &c. Bere Waeoursste Aorers: R. HOVENDEN & SONS, London. CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES. Pace Leet Sent Paes. 1%, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.C., , ST. JAMES’S STREET, Pall Mall, London “HEAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” ask roe MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (Rees) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FUR HARD WEAR.” 'D The GOLDSMITHS’ COMPANY, 112, TS.— | Street, W., invite inspection of their unrivalied dispia DIAMOND NECKLACES, Sta | iiracelets, Brooches, Kings, &c., of the eG mounted in novel and exclusive designs, and sup- | plied direct to the _— at merchants cash prices, | thus saving pure rs all intermediate profits. Yurchasers may select unmounted gems, and have in the Goldsmiths’ lustrated Catalogues pa to the beg + on al Medal at the Parle = rxhibition, | Crees of the Legion of H (Goubeinrras y COMPANY, 112, Regent Street, W. ERARD PIANOS & HARPS (Owixe ro Kesvrtom e Ata Special a — Ma Jane, and Ju) ianos f the Hell a 8.a2P EARD, im is, Great Marfborouah Street, W. TENERIFE | yg SISARS. "MEP BLICA A Delicious Weed and Delicate Awarded Ip Sumsianes 10 Gee ‘ost Free nEWLAY 216, Ate, 74, Strand (Fast India House), and iah Chenpsige. KC. Bet. 1780. A Sea Bath in your own room for One ‘STODDART’S SEA SALTS INVALUABLE FOR RHEUMATISM AND WEAK JOINTS. Years. Registered Trade Mark ls. 2d. 7-1D., and 2s. 14-1b. Boxes ; %-Ib., and és. 112-10. Mags. ven oe ag for Use on each Package. Readily Soluble in Mot or Cold Water. Analysed and a ed Aaruve H octets MD Dok Oreo |. a Pcs. Bold by —— Patent Medicine Dealers, &c. Lendon Lo., %, F only 1889, and the Estabtished F; Sold in 64 a4 4s. 28-Ib., | LAY z BONK, &., EC Proprietors, ly £1. WARREN, Wholesale an4 Export Druggists, 24M, REDCLIFF STKEET, BRISTOL. MARVELLOUS Invaluable for Splendid C! Removes Stains s Plate 1s “pottl Try it IN Your BaTu. ScRUBB’'S (15025%.) AMMONIA. Refreshing as a Tarkish Bath cansing Preparation for the Hair. and Grease Spots from Clothing, &c. stores the Colour to Carpets. le » for six to ten baths. or all Grocers, Chemists, &c. SCRUBB & Co., 15 Red Cross Street, 8.E. PREPARATION. Toilet purposes. and Jewellery. OXFORD.-MITRE HOTE ONE OF THE MOST BOONOMicaL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE BRIGHTON Harel Metron OW OPEy Rece Rece Visit 5 Conoy's Fru Used in the Royal Palac TENDER FEET | Tastantly relieved bathing thes PERSPIRING FEET an. count Pull instructions and Physicians’ Testi Free by Post from CONDY'S FLUID WORKS, TURNMILL STREET, LONDON, Insist on having “‘Comxpy's Fic.” 53 anes Mae, ER-SCOTC BU Sweet for Children, eon | eee La eet °Y THE “ NEW EAST LAWN MOWER Unexcelied Durability in all sizes from 10 to % isd The Lasorer Sirt ray worked by Ons Mas Bole Licensees, SELIG, SONNENTZAL! %, Queer Victoss &, Loxpor, EC. HOWARI BEDFORD HAYMAKERS. EERINGS sco Corexsaae (HERRY BRANI The Best Liqueur BOTWICKS Baking Powd et: PERFECTLY PURE, ano FREE FROM

Page 3

—_— Juss 11, 1892.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 277 A DAY AT ANTWERP. (By the “* Vacuus Viater.”) In the Place Verte.—*‘ The traveller,” acoudine 0 Bedeker, | “ should at once direct his - A edral.”’ Not Srrecti to be bullied by Bedeker! Shall assert my independence by directing | steps omnes = first. . coe lon tinkling fitfully up pay every tower. Like an elderly ghost wit ing try to tune she ever knew all at once ona cracked ‘old p 2, ort detect fragment of “ The Heavens are Telling’ rr tripped up by the ‘Old Hundredth,” and falling over ‘‘ Haydn's Surprise. tries back, and just as she seems about to arrive at something | de finite—suddenly gives it up as hopeless. To Church of St. Paulus, | to see the Calvary. Small but highly intelligent Belgian igian Boy, who! speaks English, insists on volunteering services. (Why aren’t our street- boys taught French and German in Board Schools | of he Toic- yet tural statues, introduces me to ‘* Moise,”’ ‘*Dahvit | | mit de ’arp,” others. Kind of him—but I wish he would go. Offer him heteeten Boy declines with in- | dienation. Young Belgium evidently high- minded and sensitive. He informs me that, in a | certain church he refers to as ** Sin Yack,” there are ‘‘ Rusens’ peecture—moch fine,” plainly proves to conduct me thither. ma. t hurt | his feelings again—so accept. umps ~ | ahead, down alleys, and through 4g Be FE and round corners, looking round Sealy at intervals to see that I am ~ giving him the slip. | Nice friendly little fellow—but despotic. Don t seem to be much nearer; *‘ Sin Yack” evidently a saint of retiring disposition ... At last. Bo points him out triumphantly. Thank him, wit | apologies for taking him so much out of his way. | Boy demands two francs. Hin‘, as delicately as possible, that I consider this estimate of the value of his time and ag 4 somewhat hizh. Boy peremptory. Give him fifty centimes. Boy abusive; follows me with uncomplimentary re- marks. I can not go about Antwerp all day with | a hostile boy harassing my rear like this! So undignified. However. shall find sanctuary with ‘Sin Yack.” Every door closed. Boy at a dis- | tance—chuckling, I am afraid. Shall walk on —not hurrying, but briskly. Boy gone at last —thank goodness ! — wi arthian- yelp of “ Rosbif |” In the Cathedral.—Being shown round by Sacristan, in compan oy with two respectable young Britons. ‘* You shee dot oltarbiece, gentle- mens,” says Sacristan, ‘paint by Rusens, in seexteen day, for seexteen hondert florin.” Whereupon both Britons make a kind of “‘eluck”’ with their tongues. ‘* Dat vos von hondert florin efery day he vas paint,” explains the Sacristan. Britons do this division sum in their heads, check it as correct, and evidently feel in- creased res for Rusens as capable—for an artist—of driving a good bargain. ** RoBEns baint him ven he vas seexteen,” which younger Briton pondiiers * ve creditable to him, too!” ‘The et the High Altar, with more clucks, an 5 orm one another, with the air of Protestants who are above prejudice, that it’s a marvellous piece o’ work, h, mind yer! Sacristan points out holes underneath choir-s **De organ is blay over dere, and de mooshique he com out hier troo de ‘oles, so be beoples vas vonder vere de schounds com from!” First Briton remarks to me that “That’s a rum start, and no mistake.” that it is a rum start. I shall find myself elucking presently, [know! ‘“* Haf you scheen yed de bortraits of GLATSHTONE an ‘Lort ,Bagowsretpt ?” Sacristan asks us ‘ , to the finial of one of the stalls, which in monk. “Is not dat de Ole Grandt Man himself?” asks, triumphantly. Second Briton agrees ** It’s a wonderful likeness, reelly.” His Compa nion admits ** They ’ve got old Grapstone there toa t *_but adds that come to that, it might do for either of ’em.” * Lort BagonsreLpr” is opposite but, as istan es, would more like ** if dey only vas gif a leedle gurl on de vorebead.” Next we are taken to the Retro-Choir and shown the “ mosh gurious and peautiful bainting in de ole Cathedrale. Schtand yust hier, Gentelmens, now you see him. es sy ‘Oh, yais, re know, ust a marble- ings—a baw releff!’ I de i of de indt. All so as a biece of vite baper—com fone oe tink ? Vonderful, hey?” Britons deeply impressed by is carved of a at you this and other wonders, | ** ain’t en it.” ?’—make all | ——_. man, and | the difference to foreigners in London.) Boy takes me up avenue was at Harvard ‘Not’ then I show you.” > 3) Hotel doore closed and inform Sacristan that their own Cathedrals “Look at the value of the things they've got ‘ere, ou know.” they say to me, clacking, and then enenl, after asking isten the nearest way to the Zoo. to the fore; both my im- At Table d héte.— Fellow-countrymen mediate my English. but neither shows any inclination to converse ther of it; afternoon of Museums and Galleries instructive—but exhausting. Usual Chatty Clergyman at end of | table, eae pe intelligently ; wife next him, ruminating in silence dismally contemplating artificial plant in a plated pot in front of her. It is a depressing object—but why look at it? | Horror of two Sportsmen opposite on being offered snipe. ‘*‘ Snipe | now—Great Soott ! ” they exclaim, ‘ And ain’t they high too?” One nate Renee te coms, with a sense that on the Continent makes all the difference. But even Ais courage fails on being offered apricots with it. om Sy 9 oom e of Americans; »# dry a talkative y ellow who informs him he , Tiles wan Eetete im with a grim and en forbearance. ‘‘ Ez fur languages,” the younger me is onying re undertake to learn ~~ language i of six months. r enstance, 1 got up Tri in two. You" tell me that isn't a language, and that’s so, but take } I'd learn learn Latin—to write and» Italian I'd learn in a fortnight— you understand. Then ell, I cann’t read German— not in their German text, I cann’t, and [ don’t ero my = fluency, but I can ask my way = Send order anything twee | A \— hat ’s about as much as a man of any language. Will you wy rn ~ he wine outer my bottler I’ve a along.” Elder man declines stiffly, on plea that he is almost a ler. “ Well, maybe you 're wise,” says the Harvard covered a thing that’ Il put you all morning when you've eaten or d gvod for yu ha sory orn I'll tell ell ee weet _ ing is. It’s just y—p! simple persly. You eat a bunch o’ fresh persly first thing you get up, and it don’t matter what you’ve taken, you'll feel just as bright!” Elder man, who has been cutting up his chicken into very small pieces, looks oP and oe solemnly, ** You may consider yourself vurry fortunate in being able to correct the errors you allude tu bya means which is at once so efficacious and so yd After which he subsides into his salad. man shut u In the ir.—Two drearily undecided men trying to make up their minds where to go next. Shall they stay at nite geen Ay a day or two, or go over to Brussels. k to Calais and stay there, or what ? "OC is on their way ' anyhow,” says one, and the other, without + attempting to deny this, thinks ** there ma = mere to see at Brussels.” ** Not more than is here,” says his friend: ‘* all these places me about the same.” ** Well,” says the first, yawn- ing » “shall we stay where we are?” — you please, th, 47 ne pear a Tony = our fants! ” ” Pirst man, who has use with his coffee and seems ‘ it ’sdam nonsense going on like the second, ‘‘ then you leave it to me—is that itr ha “* Haven't I been saying so all along!” growls the other, Second Undecided Man silent for a time, evidently forcing himself to come to a decision of some sort. At last he looks up with relief. ‘* Well,” 4 says, hing slowly, ‘‘ what do you think about it?” Whereupon all over again. indecision is catching—leave them. Street—about 11°30 p.u.— Back from Variety Theatre. Have rung several times—no result at present. Curious impression that | shall be hauled up before a Dean or some- body for this to-morrow and fined or gated. Wish they'd let me in —chilly out here. Js there a night- A eee A If not—awk ward, Carillon again from Cathedral tower. t has managed to recollect a whole tune at last, r:.«ing it out with one finger. Seem to have heard it before— what the Dickens « it? a, gp 1 it as the ‘“*Mandolinata in E.” Remember the voupe Family dancing to it long ago in the Drury Lane Pantomime. Not exactly the tune one would expect to mect in a Cathedral... Unbolting behind doors. Nervous feeling. Half inclined to assure Porter penitently that this re not occur again. im good - y. enapyish, I, geet = at this, aod says, * mead rir rani-wmplematy. Derenng ts be granted ste a veL. OIL b u

Page 4

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —$$—__ [Juse 11, 1899, THE MOAN OF THE MUSIC-HALL MUSE. [It is hinted that the vogue of the tremendously successful but tyrannously ubiquitous “ 7a-ra-ra- Boom-de-ay !” is beginning, at last, to wane.) She museth upon “the Boom that waneth every day,” and wondering what she shall “‘ star” with next, breaketh forth into ‘amiliar strains :— Airn—" What will you do, Love?” | TIVOL Waar shall I do now? My song was . : weeny rAISS . re ‘ a {> Lome Like a tide flowing, all Booms beyond ; - " pet omit What shall I do, though, when critics Oe ed hide it, EVERY Dboim And cads deride it who ’re now so fond? *“*Ta-ra- ra” chiding, ‘* Boom-de-ay”’ de- riding !—- Nought is abiding—that ’s sadly true! I’ll pray for another Sensation Notion. With deep emotion—that ’s what I'll o! (Gazes mournfully at her unstrung harp, and, smitten by another reminiscence, sings plaintively) :— Arr—"' The harp that once through Tara(ra)'s Halls.” The harp that once through Music Halls Sheer dening rapture shed, Now hangs as mute on willow-walls As though that Boom were dead. So dims the pride of former days, So fame ’s fine thrill is o’er, ' And throngs who once yelled high with se Now find the Boom a bore. No more to toffs and totties bright Thy tones, ‘‘ Ta-ra-ra”’ swell. The gloom that hailed my turn to-night Sad tales of *‘ staleness”’ tell. The Chorus now will seldom wake, The old mad cheers who gives ? , And Lorrie some new must break ) To prove that still she lives. She harketh back to the old strain : — What would you do, now, if home re- What would you do now if distant tidings, turning, Thy fame’s confidings should undermine,— | With anger burning at the fickle crew, Of some ** Star” abiding ‘neath other skies, You found the prospect of another Boom, In rs — eyes yet more bright than, To wy your gloom—ah! what would you ine P Oh, name it not! "Twould bring shade and Why then by Ta-Ra, I'd bless the morrow shame : (true. And banish sorrow, and raise my ‘‘ screw.” On my new-made name, and it can’t be I’d re-string this Harp hung no more on the This far fame of mine, did some rival share it, willow, I could not bear it—what would I do? And with tears my pillow no more bedew. TO BE, OR NOT TO BE—DISCOVERED ! Scene—A Borough, Time— Within measurable distance of the General Election. Enter Brown and Jones. Brown. Well, Jones, I am glad to hear that you purpose standing for Parliament. You are a first-class man, and the House will be all the better for having your assistance. Jones. You are mistaken, % ! dear Brown. I did intend to stand for Parliament,’ but since the Archbishop has published his letter, I have determined to retire from the contest. Brown. What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have been in the House for years, and I assure you I have never met a more suitable man for the Thy, my dear Jones, you are absolutely cut out for Parlia- ment—absolutely cut out for it! Jones (sadly). I wish I could think so. But alas, no, after the Archbishop's letter, I must, I will give it up. Brown. Have you not made the question of the Cri- minal Code your own ? Jones. Yes, but I must admit (and I make the admis- sion with shame) that years ago at school I was rightly accused of stealing apples. Brown. And was the accusation believed—were you | punished ? Jones (struggling with his emotion). Alas! it was, and I received (from the Bench) a severe reprimand. It brings the red blood into my cheeks—a severe reprimand! | t Brown. Then you know all about the Libel Acts,—you are up in a slander ? OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRICCLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE. Jones (bitterly). And should I not be? Do you not know that I was once fined ten shillings and costs for saying that a drunken cook was intoxicated ! Brown. Surely there was not much harm in that ? Jones. It was immoral to call the cook in- toxicated, and the Archbis says, ‘* that persons previously cond on grounds of immorality of all kinds are not legislators.”” Under the circumstances | have detailed, I should not be a proper legislator! Brown. Butlook at me! Heream I livi a free life, doing oe, what I Giese, ont deserving the censure of the Bench five times a week! I will undertake to say that you are three times as good a fellow as I am ; yet I am as certain of my seat as possible. Jones (sadly). But there is a gulf between us—the gulf that divides not-entirely-con- scious innocence and half-imaginary vice, You are safe, and I am not. Brown. Idon’tseewhy! Why am I safe? Or rather let me mend the question—why do you think your chance of being elected sosma)|? Jones. use, my dear Brown, I have been found out! [Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily triumphant. A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH. [“* The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported when challenged than the - wayman’s plea of the custom of low Heath.” —Justice North's Judgment is the Copyright Action “ Walter v. Steinkopff.’’} So ‘‘ Stand and deliver! ” will not quite do In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two; And if you are caught on the Queen's high- way, y, With ee for which you ’ve omitted to No use to try putting in—under your breath— The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath! Thanks to the Zimes and to Justice Nortu! | The highway—of News—may be clearer henceforth | Of robber daring and footpad sly. To stop a coach, or to fake a cly, Boldly to lift or astutely sneak, | Will expose a prig to the bobby’s tweak, | And he shall not shelter himself beneath | The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath. | Autolycus now must buy his wares, | | And not with his neighbours go (gratis) shares. | ‘* Thou shalt not steal—not even brains,” Says Justice Nortu, and his rule remains. ' | Thanks to the Justice, thanks tothe Times: | Plain new definitions of ancient crimes Are needful now when robbers unsheath , | The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath! | = | CifopArre, quittant la Seine, Ici tu viens en souveraine, Where ** Britons never will be slaves,” And * Brarrannta rules the waves.” (Ritournelle égoiste et vaine !) + #3 f : A i

Page 5

_—_— Jue 11, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

3 oa

oa HZ WH 1! | j Ea ' | WS | = . | 7 , ) \\ ’ th. — ; } KAY o | th] ANI Eh \ \\ Ty "7 THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE. Grorore-PorRcIE, GRAND BUT SLy, | WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY, Kissep THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY; Grorociz-Porciz RAN AWAY!

_Derrsrrion or “Srvurr anp Nonsense.”—A Junior urging | Tae Wriyyer or Tue Dexsy.— Hugo in future isto be remembered ridiculous plea. as ‘‘ Victor Hugo.” -

Page 6

e=_— ="

280 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — — {Jone 11, 1899,

OPERA-GOER’S DIARY. Monday. — Govwov’s Roméo et Juliette. Les deur Sréres| yy ‘Brothers of Corse’’), Jeaw and Epovarp, excellent respectively as Romeo and Friar Laurent. Epwarp looked the reverend, kind- hearted, but eecentric herbalist to the life, singing splendidly. But Brother Jomx, in black wie, black moustache, and with pallid face, look so unhealthy a Romeo that his appearance must have first excited Juliet’s pity, which we all know is akin to love. My

7CR Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-“ cupping” as a remedy. Dance of Joy in consequence. advice to JomNNte DE Reszxf is . = te the part, ” and ‘‘do it on his head,”—which, being summed up, —~ flaxen-haired wig and light moustache. Juliette — gt -- p Nurse Bauermeister two young. Tybalt Montariol, illed, must not lie ** toes up” too close to Curtain. Friewlly members of Capulet faction rescued his legs, otherwise these members must have suffered. M. Dorricue, as Mercutio, mistaken for Epovarp pre Reszxf. Sub- sequent appearance of the real Simon Pure as The Friar only com- {, Ll “ es — j Ha

Vaults on both sides. plicates matters, but death of Mercutio settles it. The survivor is EpovarD pe Reszkf. Mr. ALec Marsu, late of English Comic Opera, appears as the Duke of Verona, and a admires his Grace. Tuesday.— Or féo. “Everyone talking of to-morrow’s Derby. Bets “taken and Orf-” eo. Wednesday.— Derby Day Night—celebrated by performance of Philémon and Cavalleria. Both favourites. But in honour of the winner Hugo, the Opera ought to have been the Hugo-nots. Thursday.— Lohengrin. Rentrée of Madame Norpica as Elsa, who couldn't be bettered by anybody Elser. Lo in is “* The Johnnie of the Opera,” - Jounnre pe Reszxé. First-rate: no longer does he appear in dark hair as in Romeo; but as a Knight light, suitable to the time of year. Friday.—Ii Vaseello Fantasma, which is the Flying Dutchman

with Macore Mactwrrre Mac-in-tirely restored to us as the charm- ing Senta—quite an Eighty - per - Senta—of attraction. Awful appearance of Phantom Ship! Evidently straight from Dead Nea, Old Rone oe in all parts of house. ‘* Ancient Mariners,” or 2 p= pee & <— ” talking about generally. » Mn 8 year, 1849. Saturday rogress reported generally ELBA Miss Eames being absent, we miss Eames. House e.. f-+ by midnight. Davancasus satisfied with Derby Week.

THE WELSHERS AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE. We've ad the Welshers ere, and did they injy theirselves? Didn’t they jest! And wosn’t they all jest perlite to us Waiters, as all true gents allus is, and didn't they amost shout theirselves heart when the Lonp Mare got up to perpose the fust Toast! But not qwite, oh no, not by no means, or they woodn’t have bin abel to sing what they calls their Nashnal Hanthem 80 —— — they made the w tears cum into my old eyes! kindly | told me as they calls it, “* = 7 glad to find Ada,” “which means,‘ The Land of my Fathers”! and a werry nice name too, tho : don't quite see why they shoud leave out their pore Mothers, ut it’s makes up for it by calling the Land of their F athers, their Mother country, so it comes all rite in the end. The same kind Gent told me he oped they would sing their favrit cong, “* Ah, hide her nose!” commonly called ‘‘ Poor Many Ann!” *°T didw't sec. in looking down the long list of Gests, by th n’t see, in no gent by the name of Tarry, at At ohiek, I was summut serprized. I heard a apse © Se Sener «: ** the General Gimrig, which I telte to be © Roddicle Pape T didn't of all ne afte what a wunderfooll harrystokratic 7 little Wales is. Why we had about a duzen Nobbelmen inclewding a reel Dook, and as if that wosn’t rayther a staggerer, we had no less than four reel Bishups with Harchdeecuns to match, about thirty Members of Parlement, and quite a brood of Welch Mares. I suttenly thort as I had had a werry fair sampel of Welch en- ser and Welch aay? a alg g I herd them jine in singin our Nashna! Anthem; but it, was nothin to their recepshun of the Lom —“ when he guv ’em the Toast of the hevening, ‘‘ Wales!” Dook, we OT to their feet, Bishups, and Harch and poemen, ane EE. sand all, and shouted and cheerd and emtied their glasses, and then gave three such cheers as made the hold All ring again ! Which I wished as the Prinse of Watzs was there to heer ’em. Brown and me had our nice quiet larf together at the ushal bit of fan. When sum werry ellerkent gent was a makin a speach as was ra too long for them as wanted to heer the lovely Welch mewsic, Lo rt for to hammer on the table with our bewtifool silver spoons and reel cut glasses, meaning to say, ** That’s about enuff,” but the pore ielowded Horrator thort it meant, ** Keep it up, my boy ; it’s did!” Sohekep it up till twoof our best glasses was broke, and he kindly sat down the werry pictur of happiness. It reminded me of a simlar little delushun as we practises early in the year. “ Waiter,” L. s sum hungry Gent, ‘‘ bring me sum more Whitebait, ” and I tak sum more § prats, and he is quite con- tent! As our Grate Pe Poet says, ‘* Where Tenenanse makes you’appy, remane as you are”! Upon the whole, I wentures to think as the Welch N Bankwet, given by Lord Mare Evans, was about the most sucksessful as [ have ewer assisted at oy g my menny years of such pleasant xperiences. I finishes by saying, I should werry much like to see a reel Irish Lord Mare try his hand in the same Nashnal way. RoBert.

A TIP-TOP TIPSTER. In some spirited verses that 2 red in the Sporteman, on | the morning of Day, Mr. Joun Trew-Hay, alone ngst the prophets, selec Sir Hugo as the winner.) 52 Sot, what a Prophet! We thought ’twas his fun, the horse that he picked stood at fifty to one, Aad we all felt inclined in our pride to say, ‘** You go To Bath and be blowed! ”’ when he plumped for Sir F agp. But henceforth we shall know, though the bookies may laugh, apy apt pt and cannot mean chaff. Though it lies on t ere ’s no sportsman can rue That he trusted such Hay when he knew it was Trew !

“Resignation OF AN ALDERMAN.”—He had had two basins of Turtle. He asked for Lg ey ** All gone, Sir; Turtle off!” ai Va 8 answer. Ss ond a 2 pases baye a sickly smi There was no or it, or ‘‘ no helping it,”’ as he truthfully put it. He would do his best with the remainder of the menu. The — of the Alderman was a sight to touch the heart even of Rosert the City Waiter. ushal way of the world, out of site out of mind! but they OLE “ En | “ E “ B Bre But “ ¥v ay

sci is | res

| vi Hi

Page 7

Juws 11, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

BRER FOX AND OLE (A Fable somewhat in the ‘ashion of “‘ Uncle Remus,” OLE —o he wuz settin’ on der Brer Fox he up en he sez, sezee, * Dis yer’ ’s a sight dat yo’ otter see | En he ~ ig him der tip of his (Ulster) tal . “* Eve’ y gent otter have a lick at dis | So’s ter — w'at’s wat; en yer needn’t fear!” | * But der Irish butter ty ve a notion dat J know Brer Fox he ied and Brer Fox he bounce, But Ole Man Crow heft his weight to an ounce. “ W’at, an round der Orange- Sez Ole Man Crow, sezee ; ‘‘ Tooby sho dat’s kyind, but I radder not rove Wer der oranges are flyin’ kinder | Wer yng “eyed Rizey en Slipshot Sorter os one ernudder ker-blunk, ker-blam ! Tree - high, but honey mighty weet— WwW ateh dem bees wid stingers on der Make a bow ter ny Buzzard, en den ter de Cro Takes a Timber-toe’d gemman for ter jump Jim Crow!” Den Brer Fox snortle en Brer Fox frown. *You’re settin dar sorter keerless-like,” sezee. | Sezee, MAN CROW. but with avplications nearer home.) ** But yer better come dom, Der is foes a broozin’ rou W'at will give ne ee Se = butter Pid in der North Cou a You 'll get mixed wid der T Tar- Baby Ads ef inter der North yo’ pitch, For der North ain’t gwinter cave in, . radder die in las’ ditch!” Den Ole Man Crow up en sez, sezee, “You been runnin’ roun’ a long time, en a-sassin’ atter me; But I ook Be you done come to de end You wan't frighten me ot Se a ~w Re sez Ole aT near dis rail. You ~ now ol Good-b’ Stee Fen, 4iie heer yo’ For dis is de de or dis is Foe fed, — Sis Lea al a tutes Sa wid int’ rest, En—well, Tl try ter look, des as Srightened as 1 ken!’ _ > oe ;

Tue House of Lords Committee of Privileges decided that oe Forster's action in the Barnard P case was a Vane attempt. **The chance,” said the 7imes, ** of such a prize as Raby Castle, with £60,000 a-year, is likely to tempt a “> man to think his arguments and claims are better than they really are.” Ra Castle on the brain would amy Sw a sort of Rabies.

HAMLET IN HALF AN HOUR. (Prepared for the Halls in compliance with the suggestions of Mr. Plunket's Committee. ) ScenE— An open space outside Elsinore. View of the Palace and the Battlements. Haunt discovered talking to the Ghost. Ham. And is it really within thy power to show me illustrations to the story that has so much in’ me ? Ghost. It is! Behold! [He waves his baton and a rock becomes tra ent, displaying a tahleau of the pla prorat 2. * Hamlet.” Ham. Ah, how well do on ber the occasion! It was after I | had met thee, and thou hadst told me the sad story of thy decease by my Uncle. And then I contrived this device to catch the con- | science of the King! Thou art sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring poison—real poison— into thy ear! ook, , the King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how it all comes back to me! resumes tts normal 3 | Ghost. Ay, and I will! [He waves baton, representing the Burial of OPHELIA. Ham. (deeply interested). Why, these must be the maimed rites that were all that was given te my poor lost love—the lady I desired to | visita nunnery—to OPHELIA. see there are the comic Grave- | diggers. Show me more! Show me more! [The sialon fadeo away like its predecessor. Ghost. [ would, did not the decision of statute law limit the time. And now I must away. But : eepeetee principal ond ne more! Thou aes poet < Gh am. Ay, marry; yes, (7) ost duappears. And » I have to meet Lazrres at a fencing-bout. I will! ane Enter King, Queen, a, Osric. and Court. King uizz, all bail’ "I wish thee joy May’st thou be the Victor at to-day’s trial of skill ! Ghost (heard from below). Remember! Six principal characters He and thou and I are three. Three! Six, no more ! Hamlet (aside). Peace, perturbed ert

: Laertes (approaching). My good Lord, I wish thee well, for I do “ th be rom below). Four! Remember—Four! Six, and no more! x . a the time goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirt gone | Hamlet (aside). ' yon Be spirit! (Aloud.) foils ! Osric (approaching). My Lord, the weapons ! : Ghost joes gta He maketh ‘five ! Beware! Six, and no more ' Ham. not, oe it! (Aloud.) I will take this one! AMLET and Larntes take the foils and salute. King. Now will I drink to Hamcer after the first bout. Osxic, be poate to give him a eup when he is tired! Mind me well. Lda.) of which Hauer shall drink contains poison. Ha be! | hal A time will come! I triumph! (Hamcer and ~. ie and drop their foils. Osric.—Let me return them, good Sirs! [He = the weapons in such a fashion that they are Pa. King. Now will I drink to Hamirr. Give him the other cu Ham. Nay, your pardon, Sire. . am fat and scant of heonth, but I will crush a cup with thee, later Queen. Give me the cup. "| will ‘drink to thee, Hamier! (Drinks. Ghost (as before). 1 new the well-remembered voice of thy mother, boy! That makes . saatied limit ’s reached ! Ham, (aside). Moen Phey ‘ghee And now, good Laxaktes, I am at thy 8 service. HaMuet ts wounded, Osric. A hit, a hit, ta Rar and by thee! Ham. (annoyed). (Fights fiercely and wounds La¥Rtes. Queen, Oh! I am — (Dies. Ham. What, Ah, thou brute a up and bile ies with his foil. Laertes. I am dying! Forgive me, Hamtxr. It was the doing of the King -<~ Ghost. (as before). Twenty and nine minutes have expired! time is all but up Ham, (aside, ath Pp Be Rest, perturbed spirit! Farewell, farewell, a long farewe! Ghost (as before), King est "The time is up! (Quick Curtain.)

Page 8

282 wn PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [June 11, 1892, J A GENTLE The Brilliant Jones (who likes an appreciative audience—to his Hostess). ‘‘Ou, THERE !—IT's No UsE—I GIVE IT UP! EGOTIST. CONVERSATION 's IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN ProrPLE witt TALK!” “INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED.” Scene—Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C. Sattspuny (Captain) and Batrour (Champion Bat) at Wickets. The latter has just despatched the ball to the boundary for *‘ another four,” eliciting ** applause all round the ring,” as the (Cricket) saying is. Captain. Well hit, my dear Antuvnr! | Champion Bat (modestly). Ah! bit of a fluke. | Captain. Come, come! Cricket swagger may = rebuke, But take your fair kudos ; don’t run yourself down. | Wicket-Keeper (aside). Bah! that’s his old trick. At the ball he will frown, | And fumble the bat as though funk, or don’t care, Filled his soul ; but when slogging’s the he’ 5 all there. Mere ng, not playing the game,—yet he scores ! I wonder how Wt likes the ring’s frantic roars At their flashy young favourite ? Bowler (aside). Humph ! he lays on! I did hope, with that ball, that his ee — gone. *T was a curly one, one of my y regular Good batting and bowli , that ’s true Cricket sport, As Crarke, Grand Old undler, declared was case When he bowled and Pricu batted. Champion Bat (aside). Thought he’d had me ere now. that ?””— If I gave him a chance ? Captain. He’s a fine But behind the sticks—humph! Just twig Harcovrt’s face! Can’t you hear his *‘ How’s sl Well let nt + a lad, your score Wants but eight of the “* * century.” Ninety-two more Towards your “ average,” Anruur! The Cricketer’s Bard Will be rhyming your doings ! Champion Bat. An awful “reward”! But shall we play on ? Captain (thoughtfully). Well, now, what do you think ? From fighting it out to the end I don’t shri Bat time’s running short; we stand well for a win: They say that their eager desire ’s to go in. Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be posed. Sappose we declare that our innings is closed ? (Left considering it. “PROBABLE STARTERS.” Tue Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end upper- most. The Follower ‘‘ not Allowed,” on Missus making a quite unexpected a ce in the Kitchen. lerk, who having written to say that - is unable to attend to mM. as he is ae up with symptoms of influenza, comes face to face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton Lock. _ arenas on his knees to his dearest friend’s Wife. Enter Hus- “ Texrvet.”—Mr. Toots was horrified at overhearing portions of a Sons pre between two Gen who were evidently provincial Managers, one of was saying, “ Yes, I with you. We ay —- = Gentian Le ~- gay Comedian, who had pardon, ” anxio put in w just returned from the Bie ma op bn a been tooled down to Epsom tnd back on a drag ; ** but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission to the ted Soo to be so largely reduced——” Then they ex- ained to him they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J. L. ‘OOLE was immensely relieved, and immediately invited his ‘two jena RA to of refreshment on board the Houseboat now moored off King William Street, Charing Cross. “Ts Duce,” &c.—Old Pupils who en at “ Balston’s,” are re- uested by Lord Ducts to their sabecription to emorial in Eton College Chapel mid ye good idea. Giapstong trusting to Crean Case or Svupgxstirion.—Mr. * Surpron’s” Prophecies. «é@@ZSOTO SONINNI SIHL AUVIONd OL “mOyL 28 or ‘—“I uanany LNOC » NOA MALL §., LI MNINLD —*TnOaTty GONTINNT ..

Page 9

CHARIVARI.—Jvunz 11, 1892. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Hi | ih “INNINGS CLOSED.” etuve B. ** DON'T YOU THINK IT’S TIME TO DECLARE THIS i} INNINGS CLOSED?"

Page 10

Page 11

June 11, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

285

THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. No, XI.—THE DUFFER IN LOVE. Mrs. McDorrer me greatly admired the lady with whom this confession is concerned. She denies that Cecri1a BRrawp was and when I do not answer (for where is the use of rey in such a case), she remarks that I am too short-sighted to know whether a woman is pretty or not. This appears to myself to be an injudi- cious assertion, and the flank of my opponent mir ht be tarned if it were worth while. But it is not Duffer I may be, but not such a duffer as to reason with a woman. If you score a oint ine how many times one sees an opening in the fair one’s f both, and there is no re ou isa way to learn. Fi Tapeh at a friend's That I ventured shoon, and over the ice. boots were in fault, There was no fe the cieasiegs Coen si viz., ha bec of the ‘Be: hot promised to whittle away part of into out maintain, then, A ts Crcrnta was ogg tm very pretty ; ergs and — pleasant. No doubt she keeps md qualities yet. do not believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades Yin gelf that he was a fool, that he had a lucky escape, that a girl becomes quite another person, and usually very stout and stupid, because she has preferred someone else to himself. No, if we met to-morrow—— But Fortune for- bid that we should meet to-mor- row, or any other day! I have no relics of Crema. I had some,—an old glove, a lash of a riding-switch, and other trifles. I kept them in the secret drawer of a bureau, and in my absence that bureau was traded away for a new esthetic article, relics and | all, of course. Perhaps some minor poet — the piece of | furniture, and found the things, and wrote a poem on them. That is what makes me uncomfortable. If Cecrt1a sees the m in one of the Magazines, and remembers | the incidents which the souvenirs recall, she will certainly not be pleased with me, whether she | fancies that I wrote the poem, or that I forgot all about the trea- | sures, and traded their yeusplacie | away. Life is really very com- plicated. I met Cecrzra at a house in the country. We sat next each ong at dinner. I found her charmi We had the same taste in nove —she knew Miss AvsTEw almost off by heart, and. like me, she was very fond of field sports. I flat- tered myself that she did not find | my company uncongenial. In the | evening there was a little dance : I don’t dance, or at least, it was | some time since I danced, | not, in fact simee they used to | make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated it! However, | expert in other | this time I thought it seemed very easy some though the floor myself — was extremely polished and slippery. y so. Cxrciti, . of fact, I never got Aye as figures. course, was my partner. You know ho dangeronal describe waltzi Next day there was a novels, the eestasy of it, the wild impassioned deli _ — ur | riding with Cecrita. Livrnastong and OvrpA. Well, it was not at all li Brownine. I do not exactly remember what occurred. We aarted, there wa a buzz, I think there was a collision. I became extremely dizzy . . . | that it as 3 right, When I recovered my senses, it was not to find the dark grey of Cecrtta bending over me with an expression of anxiety. No, she was not there. I went to bed: I know there was a great contusion on my elbow. I did not a going to skate. iow 7 is f ting holiday, I

“Tt was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of female voices.” Pere | like 'c a "youn and lively Cross leading my horse. People

ft. this risk shows how Crem I was. I h Dy ype pet red hw eeted take when on oun ca aiel and tried to put on the skates. It always seemed so easy when one saw an expert do it, like Mercury I don’t like to speak about a When we fit road on to the turf my horse began to kick t T id what I clways you not, hold on by the fo Cee os shell <1 room chair. They say that pushing a chair in front hehe treme; it would be house, stealing a bed-room r. fond But struggled with the key and the nuts, till ey ot fta my eomtdence” Hey goodman, rs “what I had eet, eaeaee t the lever, . to be the case, to oq Ml the chisel- it at the same time ai i Ht < ‘s | Fs a §

sitting down in a position affected ts, but unusual in Society. As for the chair, it would rear and plunge like a ould us, but how could I help it 1 tl It ht it best t excuse could I ge what explanation could I offer?’ In the evening I told Cecit1a that 1 had un gone all this for her sake ; that, They laughed, — nd a lover be * ridi imes (except dancing), I had hoped to make y of *‘ figuring ” in her society. But, as a matter thaw, and soon I had an opportuni It was "The Last Ride Together,” as in off the have read Mad ob came bome ton home soon, met us. oy, the sib Crcriia, if meet thine still is 4 pen — we ma meet amongst ity for the display of mere a ies a ill then, au revoir /

Next morning, it was winter, everyone was I could not skate. At school, when there was ably even I beside the fire, ees ee Soe yeelf, roasting eyes, Fron t know apples, and reading Ivanhoe. These were my happiest hours. | less bogirt owever, I did not tell Cecriza that I I enih et not skate pretended | asphode} skating. Besides I had told Crcrra, an article on Miss Austen. This Thue plewaed leerd er bat noboly the | town for a pair 0 ** Aomes,” for I knew I never could manage all | in a goblet of P the straps and buckles of the aplintey sailors. skate. Fon balk with a always passed it it seemed —_ to be ‘gory bao! fond of a bente. and to despise | mechanical ecatamnelie article. In fact, I was bent on secretly skate. I’sent to| et where nobody came, and thither, under cover of night, I compliment to his own nationality,

ArpropriaTe.—At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech strong Bohemian accent, remarked that wee chief, returning thanks in French he took this as a great the champagne being *‘ trés Czech.”

Page 12

286 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL TROP DE ZELE. (An Aristocratic Tip.) The New Companion (fresh from Girtham College), “ Yus, Lavy Jann, | saw Hen, wire Hex Hasrrvat Hrrocaisy Houpine ovr Hee Hawp to Hm as He was Haszanovurine at His Horsr——" Lady Jane. *‘Goop Gracious, CaILp, pow’r sTick m your H's SO CAREFULLY AS ALL THAT! PxorLe WILL THINK Your FATHER AND MoTHER DROPPED ‘EM, AND THAT YOU "RE TRYIN’ TO PICK 'EM vr!” [And People wouldn't be very far wrong. LADY GAY’S SELECTIONS. Dean Mr. Puwcu,—Of my two selections to su in the Derby—one—La Fleche, so far forgot prophetic utterances as to finish second—and i , ——— conduct was mainly owing to the absurd wish of her jockey, Barnett, to be first, my readers will see that no blame at a eae as the mare would doubtless not | i have hurried so much had hota b left to a her one, Serer he Bex notoriously dislikes hurry)—it being onal known fact that she would make a race with a donkey! though why donkey races should be spoken of with such contempt. I don’t know, for I once rode one with Lerd Argtuvr on Ham hinge we had b our win! However, as such waen pee wae do foolish we been ae " lin “* Li I was “> *ARRIETT’ “cad aur ou our went very Newown—thie na man said ape Foy Fy" ‘noch oinmal ou uncer echafen,” 02 the Gorman b runs. Although disappointed in the behaviour of La Fiée , my second string Llanthony maintained my reputation for correct tips, by run- ning /ast, go F gate he wont T--2o2 Wee Sat cumse papens nepert Sis as having finished seventh and E/ last ; but as he did not win, he might just as well have been teat Ue fh q L my f Lord E.raas will not mind the being reversed — I therefore gan ome my readers who took my advice and backed him, will have every reason to con- soqumennaunane vip “il Sie tee. temtin to. chee Slien earlier advices! ”—these will be diffieult to find, as they were only conveyed in private letters which will not be we a til m biography is Pritten later on !—(very much, I had { pursued the ordi course of trying to tip the would undoubtedly have been my sole selecti Having done the whole of Epsom week, I shall be glad of a rest to get ready for Ascot—(four new gowns to try on are some smart parties to next week, so caster will not be blessed with my sweet presence. However, I have a friend there on the Press who can be trusted. So, , we Lt my selection for the last horse in the Manchester I able to ay a LT preci as I am not there, usion can be sus I must just mention that for the entertainment of the shows provided on E Downs should like to see done awa multitude, was one which I with, namely, the so-called “ glove contests ’—which to my mind are not calculated to advance “ _ of Sls itd oe are they Pleasing min on of. ee ** abolition ~ i oubtedly a fine thing, but is perhaps an when it makes heroes of Dusky W: Warriors | I hear from my friend Major Clement that we are g to have a most Ascot in me of the regrettable sean of alt indeed he could have let all the Boxes twice over—and as I shall be staying there all the week with my friends the Baron and Baroness Lutuer vor Mowraa, I hope to cal ect some valuable Peak for my betting Yours devotedly, Lapy Gay. Tue Tre. To ride the first horse in the Manchester Cu Is a thing for which jockeys ht quarrel ! But if modest young W oopsuRn shoul have the “‘leg up,” He’s content to be /ast on ‘** Balmoral.” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, ey May 30.—House met to-day a sem ee of just asusual. Speaker in r; on Ta questions ; House even moderately full. Mr. G. present, ar SqUIRE OF Maxwoop makes up for that, and all other deficiencies. Quite radiant in white waist- coat and summer pants; wish he would crown the effect by white hat ; draws the line at that. ‘‘ People are aoe to forget,” he says, “ that my father was a dignitary of the Church. It is well at the circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under the brim of a white hat.” The item scarcely needed to complete Gee of peau 8 appearance ce and ; looks like Mo th “That ’s just what am, Tosyr,” ~ AE e country to wed jthe majority at TF f if i 7s Shere being” nothing particular in the wind admirably kept up. Odd to ow even mention of that blessed word Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, ih, G. and Prince his presence the par- ticular form of disease that is ag Se off. Neither do wes re openly whose days are mumbere Sexton finally fin off his h on Irish Education under ces. ight thee delivered it before Easter, inadequate for the oration; insisted upon postponing it. Must be delivered [Jowe 11, 1892,

Page 13

Juxe 11, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. : g 1 ; 1 + oe i 4 : i i 2 :

Page 14

ee or ty 288 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (June 11, 1892, to-night or never; so worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and sadly inattentive House. Tim Heatr, not to lose an opportunity that might be final, joined in debate. Audience being chiefly composed of Jackson, Tim took opportanity of genially ob- serving, @ propos of the Bill, that if he had to spend his time on a desert island with either a Chief Secretary or an Irish peasant, he woud a the peasant. ‘I'm glad of that,” said Jackson ; ‘it would be lonely for the one that was left. Within a week the popu lation would certainly be reduced by one-half. Whether the survivor would be Tim or the other one, would depend upon cireum- stances.” Business done.—Irish Education Bill read Second Time. Tuesday.— Evcno’s to-day, in su ing Witraw Law- son's Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, most excellent | fooling. A a 6 to play practical jokes with House ; only a person of Excno’s supreme coolness would have faced the fearful odds. A desperate man having done so, might, by swerv- ing however slightly to left or right, have made mistake, and been angrily on watchful House. Grice-Hvurcuinsow had some experience of this in his truncated Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby Day fashion; beginning to draw pietare of his leading WiLFaip Lawson by hand over Epsom Downs. Members jte snorted disapproval ; Grice- HuTcHInson abruptly shut up; like the unfinished window in Aladdin's Tower, his carefully- joke unfinished must remain. With this awful warning, HO rose unpertur and unabashed. as a su C0ERS from first moment; Sreakex artlessly contributed to it; Gener had something to say; been popping up whenever opening covarrens here again competing with E:cuo; which should be ote ? as Does the noble Lord,” said Srzaxenr, with bland sarcasm, “rise to second the Amendment?” F Now the Amendment yet Ln ee uh with direct negative to adjourn over Der ay. time question to the fore Excno had moved the Adjournment. To sup- pose he was now going to back up WILFRID Lawson in opposing it wax an exquisite jape. worthy of the Chair. But Excno capped it. * Yes. Sir,” he gravely answered. This was a flash humour everyone could see. The crowded House, wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at it. But it was a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could Exemo do it? Would he spoil it by going too far, or would he shrink affrighted from the position gotedous ly as- sumed ? He did just the right thing, in tone, manner, and matter, affording the House the merriest moments ever enjoyed on a death- bed. lt seemed so that it was idle to expect anything better to follow. But something there was. It was the Division, in which Evcuo, walking up to the Table by side of Witrrip Lawson, as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that abolished the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. Etcno had had his jest, and the Opposition had his estate. Business done.—Motion for Derby Day negatived by 158 Votes Dr against 144, Wednesday.—Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in Commons. House met shortly after twelve; when I say House, I mean the Speaker and me. ** Dearly beloved Toxy,”’ said the Speaker, “‘ it seems we re to have the place to ourselves.” But presently HoweLt ar- rived, and Geper, terribly afraid that he should miss prayers. “I su my op- portunities will not be ex- tended. Stockportdoesn't seem to care to have me in the new Parliament, and I ’m not aware of any competition for my among other constitu- encies. So | mean tomake the most of what time is left. | fancy they'll at least miss me at St. Margaret’s. Proudest moment in my life, Topy, when the other Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers saying to another, ‘ Man and boy I ’ve been in this ’ere church for forty year, but I never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster Gepee pitches his.’ It’s some- thing to be appreciated, Topsy. Can't say that House of Com- “6 to 4.”" (t. and o.) mons has taken tome kindly; but toward what may be the close of a Parli tar eareer, the tribute of this honest Verger is, I will admit, soothing.” (12°25.)}—Gepexr moves Count; bells ring; Squire oF Matwoop strolls in with the expression of a man who might be at the = rp a isn't; Horace parr teil th yet all ee 13. “ If you'll excuse me, ” said the Srzaxer, “*1’ll retire; look in again little later.” te. )—Spea ker back inChair: Atrornry-GenERAL moves Count; ells ring as before ; Squrre or MaLwoop again comes in; no decep- tion ; wasn’t lurking about with intent to show up in House, then rush off to catch half-past twelve train for Epsom. Heads counted; only 19 present ; must have forty or no House. ‘ Look here, Gentle- men,” said the Speaenr, “this won’t do. The Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again retire, and won’t come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured there are forty Members present.” Speaker gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours before House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? Exior Lees determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (t. and o.); Henny Fowrer wouldn’t bet; but Rosr pat ing on, and ERT KoLtrt staked a fiver. (4 p.m.) — Speaker back again; House much fuller now; Exiior Less looking anxious ; made a nice book if he can only pall it off. But et of half a dozen Members wo upset everything. Abert Roxtir rushing ridors trying to bring men in; Legs Kxowes moves Count ; more ring- ing of bells; Rotirr and Rosy, on as to last moment, nearl locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds only 35. ‘* The House will now ad- journ.” says the Speaker. ** Don’t see why we should have met at all,” says Rosy, snappishly. ‘* Zdo,” Z says Evtiot Lees, making bis little o> collection. ‘I’ve had a pleasant Bi and profitable afternoon.” . Business done.—House not made. Friday.— House met att woo’ clock; might have sat till seven; butat five M4 am || Wout be back til Thuedey “Ngee on’t ti . ot « steas. 9g much of » holiday.” said Viscount “Formerly of the Herts Militia. Gaimstone, formerly of the Herts Militia; ‘* better make the most of it ;” and he set off at the rate of five miles an hour. Business done.—Adjourned for the Whitsun Recess. Tue Vicorovs Vicar.— f Coventry, to Very Naturat Esror.—A gentle- . Mris o which place his bitterest ‘man up till now has been a quiet h sort of man, with nothing suggestive of enemies cannot relegate the “P. R.” about him, sent to excuse him as he is already there, himself from appearing at our old friend acts up to his name. as a| Mrs. Ram’s dinner-party, use as he Member of the Church wrote toher nephew, who read the letter Militant, with pluck and aloud, ‘‘I am off to see Woodhall Spa.” | “* What!” she exclaimed, ** Prize-fight- ing beginning again! And isn't Mr. WoopagaLt, or Woopait, a Member of Parliament? He ought to know better. Where are the police?” “Tr wut Wasn!”—** Abolition of the House of Peers!” No, stop—spell it with an *‘a,” and make it ‘* Pears,”— now a Company Limited. Going along in | first-rate style. The Pears’ Soap Christ- | mas Book, illustrated, is to be a new edi- | tion of ** His Soaps Fables.” Next form |of advertisement,—** My Bag morn- ing! Just bought Pears’ Soap 8) 5 Frencu Pays 1x Lonpox.—The old saying applies, ‘‘ They do these things better in France.”’” London prefers to go to Paris for its French plays; but when tworivals, a BennsARDT and aCoQvuELiN, come over to London, Londoners give the lady a chance of making her charming voice heard, but the clever French actor has, literally, to ‘‘ shut up.” perseverance, whetherright or wrong it is not for ami- cus curve to say. But, it may be asked, is this action for the rates, on the part of the Vicar, a Vicar’s first-Rate Act or not? €} NOTICE —Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures im mo Case be returned, not even whep gccompagied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. Some parishioners Roya Decision.—When the QuEEN ; we suspend - from to Mar Lodge, Her — ee ede Tajesty takes a Deesided course. of any deseription, will To this rule

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jums 11, 1892. , | or aT BVERE BAR AND BESTAURANT. Signature is on ev ry! Hottie of the Genuine and Original. (NSUMPTION.— —LIBROOM LOZENGES wine Givens sana tna tontale 6 Vlnlle Oi! whieh cum ugh, stre: sagtiens © s the 2 cy eae, ond CHEERED Del Hoxes, post free. __ 4 Pareman, Hl, Dyer's ulidings, Holborn. ; (. BRANDAUER & C0,’S CIRCULAR POINTED eIRCSE AS PENS ee points being noanaed -B new process. Seven C.BRA Croix The Medals awarded. Aiention is also drawn to their ities of Pens,” one potters ae feribility. and each in 3 ct 7-2 Box _ cither Eek. OLDEN BRONZE HAIR. ance oa ostour tain Fi rE Ei ec te lt only by W winter ty nosh don ee ‘de 10s , tie mg arey or faded Hair “Ekin 5 S senledbic WRIGHT $= COAL =TAR. “ SOAP PENS | > ieases nMLETS 6: sf nt Ww ENCED S$. & H. HARRIS’S HARNESS COMPOSITION| | (Warearncer). SADDLE PASTE s.& BH Ss. tat aft, HARRIS'S “POLISHTES Engrs HARRIS. Manufactory: LONDO LUXURIOUS FINE CUT BRICHT TOBACCO, RANSOMES’ fo of the dubilee Meet- iter Majo 8. “7 teeas > an Tin LAWN MOWERS THE BEST in the WORLD. “New wToms " “Cnarm Acromstor,” “ Anew ani,” TS Wont, “ and “Port saxo Hoase- Po ree Mowens, in all sizes to suit Month's A = — Ss 7 Ge \Z a WZ JUNO CYCLES TEREST. Discount for Cash, or 12 Equal Monthly - oe a METROPOLITAN MACHINISTS CO., Lo., 76, Bishopegate Without, London, ze. Black Handle, 5s. Gd. Ivery Handle, 7s. Gd. APr., Ivory Handles, in Bus. leather case, Vis. Wholesale: Osponns, Ganeerr, & Co., London, W. DAMP WALLS. done, laste for ever. t. & wcingrtalal rs 3c oo. HULL. FAT PEOPLE | molercure fy Bre waves Sand fb Srovrs ens. bd te | ENE vo, ement, London ___ CLEANS GLOVES.—CLEANS INE GOLLAS—Ask for “ Collas.” BENZ Dre $e GLOVES.—CLEANS DRESSES. GLOVES.—CLEANS DRESSES. DRESSES. NZINE COLLAS.—Buy “ Colas.” || BEM Senos. TAR, Sit BAEK, GREASE. VES TA.., OIL,—PAINT, GREASE yuom FU MNITURR CLOTH. ae. BENZINE COLLAS—Try * Collas.” See the word COLLAS on the Label and Cap. — refined, nearly odouriess quite odourless. Bez 00 OOLLAS.—Ask fo for “ Collas ” o nee As on —t 4 Agents: J. S"Sanoee & Bons, an, Oxford he one Exquisite Model. Perfect Fit. Guaranteed Wear. “Yell PATENT DIAGONAL SEAM CORSET. “47 Bons, ’ and City Read, E.C., London. HOOPING COUGH, OUP. ‘ ot. artin ork— Focorns & Co., North. William Street FAG-SIMILE of STAMP ON BACK or EVERY TWO YARDS oF ALL GENUINE CHIPPING Now TWEEDS. SPECIALITY FOR HUNTING ANB RIDING BREECHES, TWEED SUITS, BOYS’ WEAR, AND ALL HARDWEAR. Continue te be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BEWARS OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH KEL AND BMOWN LABRIA. SHAND, MASON «Co, MAKERS of STEAM FIRE ENGINES Te Her M the Queen, the Duke ” ekind Me tole OF inmicad of ILLUSTRATES CATALOGUES Faee. 75, UPPER CROUND STREET, BLACKFRIARS ROAD, LONDON. No. '8.-TRIPLE. ~ i i, Snaterer been, mK, areas me nei ear. ‘The they usually show fenistance to frieti doume nowt @ pere ar incrense in ‘the wight, and tye patent is applic able to light Ket mow A weer, as Pai aste Win arifon? panne Aw raed wl =e Street, W., and of all | -aeaag osiers in the Ualkes Kin WAYY REVOLVER My voterfien, Travellers, and nny carried 99 ole Thah hi eee at My Eéia Me Giasanouse

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Juye 11, 1892.

gee Bones ee D MEDAL, _ is. 6. & GoL “ Would be asai- milated with great rane The London Medi- »\ Record my* | It is retained when all other foods are RETALL i 1105 7 NGE Ga.. Se., and 1és.. ef Chemists. a & = Pears’ Shaving Stick lasts a year, and costs a Shilling.

“The name Cadbury on any packet of Cocoa is a guarantee of

purity.”’ Medical Annual.

Cadbury's cocoa

“The typical Cocoa | of English el ture, Absolutely) Pure.’’ The Analyst. —_

’ ted W ithhem Stuart Smith. of No Loraine Moad, Holloway, im the Parish of - ” 37 Waitefriars. ts the City of London, and pe ombard treet, in the Precinct St. Mary, Islington, in the ( ounty of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. hradbury, blisbed by him at Ko. &, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—Sarunpst, Limited, A ay