Punch 1892-02-06: Vol 102 Iss 2639

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. PUNCH’S Th a 7 oul RECITER | Two Books =a (“BURGLAR BILL” and other Pieces extended.) “HANDLEY CROSS” Series of Sporting Novels. By F. ANSTEY, faier of “Vice Versa. Now R« semen A With Matvatiens ent Coloured Frontispiece, 6s. cloth. th 34 Jilustrations s from “ Punch.” _Price ¥. 6d. cloth. RURY, AGNEW, & Co. LO, Rowverie Street. London, B.C. > =e ares fe > sali {ou (Ss ‘: GI oy SONSd SAIYUHL BO!tad Sa sane ce Be SE aT ST Wurm |, is (Sep: 1) PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. = LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT OF BEEF. pesreer surity ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Fesavarr 6, 1892.

THE ENGLISH FIRST —AND—FOREMOST. iLLusTRATED MAGAZINE BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR. NOTE. — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by For FEPRUARY a, Price Sixpence, contains i Tm Right Hon. Arthear J. Balfour, MP, First d of the Treasury Kagraved by W. is With Ware Henry W. Lecy urth Party by Leslie Arther Balt oar Nona Vincent T aed 7 Ww H ves) Heary James London ond North Western Locomotive Works at Crewe. © J. Howen Cooke ustrated ficial Photographs hioness of Tweeddale mas kiley Menry James With Julia Mare Ittustrated by T) Hempary Ware 5 Brahans ~ =p Jeune ure ’ Hoe Piance are Made. Joseph Hatton. Tiles W iH. Margeteon Besquee of Tiemeen. Written and lus dger Marclay ri of the Period. Mrs. Oliphant. | 7 R.A. Bell MACMILLAN @ ©O.,, MACMILLAN’S MAGAZINE. No. @%. FERRUARY. ieg2 Con tr* by F. Marion : Crawh rd . The strated LONDON

lL. Deon Orsine , | The Beautiful and the Tree; by Mark Reid Our Military Unreadiness. The Village Legacy 5 Romance and Youth The Flight from the Fields; by Arthur Gaye Sir Michael; by * k Pollock, Bart National Pensions; by H. Clarence Bourne MACMILLAN & ©O., LONDON DR. SMILES'S WORKS. JASMIN: Philanthropist. “Ne one of » this Freder Poet, | *'s books is more drlig tful st the warm-hearted o s appears here at his best fo min's life is full of rom ame has the heppy « and beauty Barber, Smif ne a ’ « f this + simplicity, Me» LIFE AND LABOUR: or. Characteristics of Men of Industry, Talent, and Genius MEN OF INVENTION AND INDUSTRY TH E HUGUENOTS: tg tt'ements. Churches. and SnGysteses Engiand amt ive land ay SELF-HELP. | THRIFT. CHARACTER. | DUTY. SELF-HELP IN FRENCH. v8.

Chapters | INDUSTRIAL BIOGRAPHY. | LIVES OF THE ENGINEERS. | e eaptivating and my s has devoted », a record not before | sofa race of men who best honour and the most ponefils on their country.” —Eosnscacn LIFE OF GEORGE STEPHEN. | BON bh Tilustrations. 2ie.; 7s. 64. ; or 2s. 6d e reed this book with anmingled satis c hardly ever remember to bave read a vy so theroughly wnaffeeted tempt te set out the character and carcer the moet ingen yest, resolute, t kind hearted o n beings style of the work is wu bitiows, lucid, aghly manly, and good.”—Satesoay Review JAMES NASMYTH, Engineer : An eee With Portrait end 90 +. and Gs LIFE OF THOMAS EDWARD, | otk wv N aturelist. I}ustrated by George Reid, ' KS LIFE OF ROBERT _DICK, ep and Botanist. Iiustrat« ‘ Dick's type are rare; their “example, is as to be lost, but they are the elves « their own value. His ‘motte ~ im the energy of his younger the pressure of evotion, High in « word, that Self-help which is the f all help te others Qcasrea.r e JOHN MUBBAY RRAY, Albemarle COLD (EERINC'S 8 4 GiERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur. Strect

| | | It is an | | BROWN & POLSON in 1856; not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has now an equal claim to “HBAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” ae MAPPIN & WEBB’S | PRINCE'S PLATE. (Reep.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” MUDIE’S SELECT LIBRARY. Por the Cracrtatiew and Gate (either New = Secondhand) of English, French, , italiana, and Spanish Books. Subscriptions opened at any date FROM ONE GUINEA PER ANNUM | All Lista and Prospectuses Postage Free Mudie’s Select Library (Limd.), NEW OXFORD STREET Branch Offices 241, Brompton Road, 5.W., and 2, King Street, Cheapside. The BEAUTIFUL BABY, Dr. RIDGE’S FOOD.

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a = Be sure and ask for could send me a copy of the words and music, as I learnt it yom ago from one of your pamphlets, and should like a copy te correet myself if not accurate have sung it here over five y and elsewhere. I saw reference in the “ Standard.” during the wedding tour of the Duke and Duchess | * is vans popular with Royalty. | lam, & yours trul y; Heareer Pacis, Seaman, R.Y. “ Osborne.” WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. OF ALL DEALERS

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Fesavary 6, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 61 VF S77 yl en Y 4 \e “A GOOD STAYER.” Tue DeaLer sarp, ‘Tas Mare covip Sray ror Ever.” JONES WISHED TO BE AFTER THE Hounps. SHE SEEMED INCLINED TO DO 80 WHEN RECEIPT ACAINST INFLUENZA. Dear Sre,—I send you this gratis. ¢ | It is for everybody's benefit, Yours. Groner Guzztetoy, X.M.D. P.8S.—I give ‘‘ Cane prescriptio- nem” only, as the ‘* Prescrip: pran- dialis” can be taken out of this with variations. Cum: pom: terr: ferveso: ... 83 Ad Hoe: bib: sextarium .. . 4 mx. Qvem: WEHIEs oc cc ccces 36s. virides: ad. lib. Per: dix: anas: is: Condim: pan: aut aliquid: : botulus: f3ij. fvijss. Liq. Pomm: et Gr: "84... Aut Mo: et Chand: ’'84..., Fiat haust: sec; vel test: hora: extra hora wpe mendum. lariter su Si opus sit: Misce: aq: sodm .. 3),. Misce : ot : grog: h.s.s. Si opus sit aut non. Lireraky Ganpentne.—A Cor- respondent, signing hi * SruL- tus ry Horrv on Horr-v-nor?” writes, ‘‘ Please, Sir, if my boy Jonw plant ‘a slip of a pen,’ what will it come up?” Answer paid—A Jon- quill. TO THE QUEEN. (From the Nation.) QUFENLY as womanly, those words that start | From sorrow’s lip strike home to sorrow’s eart. Madam, our griefs are one; But yours, from kinship close and your high place, | The keener, mourning him in youth's glad Who loved you as a son. | We mourn him too. Our wreaths of votive flowers Speak, mutely, for us. lowers To-day across the land The deep gloom that | Is no mere pall of ceremonial grief ‘Tis hard in truth, though reverent belief Bows to the chastening hand. | Hard—for his parents, that young bride, and ou, Bearer of. much bereavement, woman true, | And patriotic Quzxn ! in, We hear the courage striking through the As always in your long, illustrious reign, Which shrinking ne’er hath seen,— | Shrinking from high-strung duty, the brave way Of an imperial spirit. So to-day Your People bow—in pride. | The sympathy of millions is your own. May Glory long be Love ever at its side! your Throne, _, ExtmRety Unsoricrrep Tesrrmoniar. — Dartmoor.—Gentlemen,—Two years ago | wrote somebody else’s name with one of your pens. Since then I have used no other. ., m Lours faithfully, A. F. Orncrr. © Messrs. Stzat, Kress & Co.” “LA GRIPPE.” (“I'm adevil ! I’m adevil!” croaked Barnaby Rudge’s Raven ‘Grip’: And this is a raven-mad Once upon a midnight dreary ing home I felt so weary, Felt, oh! many a pain; so curious, Which I'd never felt before. Then to bed,—no chance of napping, Blankets, rugs about me wrapping, Feverish burning pains galore. “Oh! I’ve got it! oh!” I muttered, ** Influenza! ! what a bore! !”’ Only this! !—Oh! !—Nothing more!! Oh! my head and legs are aching! Now I’m freezing! Now I’m baki Clockwork in my cerebellum ! Oh! all over me I’m sore! | In my bed I’m writhing, tossing, Yet I’m in a steamer, crossing. While Krnatry’s Venice bossin I’m “against” and Russet. In a case about the Echo, Somewhere out at Singapore ! It’s delirium!!! Nothing more. Then a Doctor comes in tapping Me all over, tapping, rapping, with ear so close and curious Pressed to stethoscope, ‘* Once more,” Says he, ‘sing out ninety-ninely, Now again! You do it finely ! Yes 1 Not bigger than a wine lee, There ’s the mischief, there ’s the corps Of the insect that will kill us, Hiding there is the Bacillus ; Only that, and nothing more !” “ Why ’s he here with fear to fill us? Will he leave me, this Bacillus? Not one bone do I feel whole in, And of stre I’ve lost my store.” ' ng! €) for” Thus I to the ’ J Ask “ When shall I go out walking ” ? sort of Edgar-Allan-Poem by Un qui est Grippé.) | | He, my earnest queries baulking, | Says, ‘* When all this trouble’s o’er.”’ ** Monday ? Tuesday ? Wednesday? Thurs- Friday ? Saturday? Sunday? or (day? Ina week?” ‘‘Um!—not before.” ** Doctor!” cried I, ‘* catch this evil Fiend! Bacillus!! Microbe!! devil!! Second syllable in Tem-pest ! Send him to Plutonian Shore. Send him back to where he came from, To the place he gets his fame from, To the place he takes his name from ; Kick him out of my front door!” Se the Doctor feels my pulse, and, | AslI upon the . | Quoth the Doctor, “‘ Some days more.” vor, ctl, u

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Fesrvarr 6, 1892, . > > LS — oo anette, fale si 4 C ‘4 ’ OUT IN THE COLD!’ ‘I aM LIke A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW, WHO BEGINS TO GET STIFF WHILE THE SNOWFLAKES COVER HIM.” Speech of Prince Von Bismarck at Friedrichsrule - Phe =| loo) mODe te Boek | Leek © |

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Fesrvary 6, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “OUT IN THE COLD!” | fT am like a traveller lost in the snow, who | begins to get stiff and to sink down while the snowflakes cover him. In fact, I am gradually losing interest in politics, but the feeling, like that | | of the traveller sinking under the snow, isa p! ne.” — Prince Bismarck to the Deputation of Leipsic Students.) Am—* Excelswr !”’ Tue century was waning fast, As through a wintry waste there passed | A man, who bore, ’mid snow and ice, A banner with the am. device, “xcel no more ! His brows were blanched ; his eye beneath | Flashed like a falchion from its sheath ; Red fields had heard his armour clang. But now he smiled and softly sang, Excel no more! | In barracks huge he saw the might Of mailéd hosts arrayed for fight ; Afar the fierce Frank bayonets shone, And from his lips eseaped a moan, Excel no more ! “Think of the Past!” the young men said, ‘Like Saut you towered by the head Midst those three Titans, ia’s pride!” Softly that once stern voi a Excel no more!” “Oh, stay,” the young men cried, ‘* and mix Once more in Teuton Politics!” ** Nay,” said the Titan, *‘ I grow old, And, like poor Tom, I am a-cold! | Excel no more!” ‘‘ Beware the snow-encumbered branch ! Beware the whelming avalanche! ”’ Thanks!” he replied. * I know, I know. But—well, I rather like the snow! Excel no more!” “Lost in the snow! An easy death ! Gentle surcease of mortal breath ! I sink, I stiffen, I’m foredone! | The feeling though ’s a pleasant one ; xcel no more!” The traveller by his faithful hound | Half-buried in the snow was found, | Still ere ee a mouth of ice 8 | That banner’s late and ounge device, Excel no more! There in the snow-drift cold and grey, | Silent, but stalwart, still he lay, | Great ** Blood-and- Iron,” brave and bold, | But—for the nonce—‘* Out in the Cold ! ” Excel no more ? PARLIAMENT IN SPORT; Or, A Meeting in Earnesi. t| | a - - TRUTHFUL BUT NOT CONSCIENTIOUS. Elderly Dowager. *‘ Now, Penxixs, I require your Howgst Orrwion, THINK THIS Dress svITs me!” Perkins (who has been cautioned always to speak the truth, on pain o7 losing her place, warily), ‘(Om yes, my Lapy, IT suits your LADYSHIP QUITEB—AS ONE MAY SAY—QUITE ‘DOWN TO THE Grounp!’” Dox't you [‘‘ Perhaps the popularity of the competition in | national sport between the different = of the” a pire ewes of the serious attention of states- nen...Mr. Astiey Coopsr proposes rowi running and cricket ... There is something pon nating in the idea of such a Pan-Britannic gather- | ing.” —Daily Paper.) Tue Speaker, having taken his seat in the Pavilion, the Minister for Cricket rose to move : at reading of The Six-balls-to-an-over | mu —~ . The Right Hon. Gentleman said that the | amount of time wasted in changing sides, | although the field did their best to minimise | the loss by assuming a couple of positions | alternately, was very serious—especially in a first-class match. The Member for Melbourne begged to ask what was a first-class match ? The Member for Sydney replied, certainly not a match between Canada and Victoria. Laughter.) Now everyone was aware that New South Wales—— (‘‘ Question ! Order! | Imperial Parliament, Omer !”) He begged pardon, i er order. The Srzaxer. I really must request silence, The Minister for Cricket is intro- ) : ducing a most important measure, and the| The Minister for Aquatic Sports agreed with least we can do is to receive his statement the Hon. Member. Polo was entirely of with adequate attention. (General cheering.) | sufficient interest to warrant the creation of a The Minister for Cricket continued, and | special ent for its guardianship. But said that the measure he had the honour to| at present he was responsible for it. He commend to their careful consideration would | hoped soon to be able to welcome ; not only lengthen the over, but also allow who would make its interests his continual Cricket to be played all the year round. __—_| study. Aa Hear, hear!” The Minister for Football bonged toremind| The Minister for Cric his Right Hon. friend that he had promised | thank to consider that matter in Committee. What would become of Football were Cricket to be played continuously? (‘‘ Hear, hear !”’) e Member for Romboy. thought that a matter of no moment. In India Polo was of infinitely more im nee than Football, and he could not help remarking that, in the nting so many he was in| sports, and so many Colonies, where eve |great interest was represen nd we ‘ae Polo was absolutely ignored. bet concluded by ing the House for the attention the Hon. Members had given to the subject, and sat down amidst loud applause. ‘ A division being taken, the Bill was carried by 127 to 96. The majority were composed of Eaitedlons and Tenetiae, and the minority were Africans, Indians, and miscel Colonists. The House then adjourned.

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64 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvarr 6, 1892,

Miss P.’s V. Well, my dear Mavp, I confess that I—— THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. Culch. It’s quite impossible to make them hear <n ws, and No. XXV it’s no fault of ours if their voices reach us occasional! Te And it 4 Se ae ‘ does seem to me, Popsvry, that, in a matter which may be of vital Scuxe— Near Torcello. Covcuann and Popsury are seated side by importance to me—to us both—it would be absurd to be over- os the gondola, which is porte my hed between low banks, scrupulous. But of course you will please yourself. J intend to ight wit clumps of Michaelmas and pomegranate-trees | remain where | am. en with red fruit. Both CULCHARD and Popsury are secretly [Popsury makes a ‘aint- hearted attempt to 9°, but ends by nerrous and angious for encouragement. resigning Manest to the situation. Podbury (humming *‘In Old Madrid” with sentiment), La-| Miss T7.’s . Now, Hyrpatia Prenpercast, don’t tell me you’re doodle-um-La-doodle-oo : qe yy -loodle-oo! 1 | not interested in him! And he’s more real suited to you than ever think she rather seemed to like me—those first days at Brussels, | Mr. Popnury was. Now, isn’t that so? don’t you f Culch. (withdrawing his head). Did you hear, ye oe She's Culchard (absently). Did she? I daresay. ( Whistling ‘‘ The | actually pleading for or me! Isn’t she an angel? Be quiet, now. | Wedding March” eofily.) Few-fee ; i Tehite deter ; ;, few- must hear the answer! fiddledy - Ie endl ew-few-fee. I fancy I’m right in my Miss P.’s V. I—I don’t know, really. But, Maun, I want to speak theory, eh ? aren ors You can i pik how he adores you, poor Podb, Oh, 1 should say so—yes. What theory ? fel ! I have noticed it for a Culch. (annoyed). What theory ? Why, the one I’ve been explain-| Podb. (beaming). Cutcnarp ! An s heard ? She’s putting in a ing to you for the last ten minutes !—that all this harshness of hers word for me. a brick tok that pa a 4 * 8 5 pretty good e's lately is really, when you come to analyse it, a decidedly encouraging erasing ympom. coasraling ‘hie fed Podb. But I shouldn’t have said Miss keepi a Trorrer was exactly harsh to me—lately, at ise SP eV. was my fault. I kept all events. , me. You see, I believed you had Culch. (with impatience). Miss Trorrer ! accept Mr. CULCHARD You! What an egotist you are, my dear A, BS: Well, it dove state me thet fellow! I was or to m and Miss \\ comtieiea o. all time, PRENDERGAST. ou can’t deny that, he let himself be » managed saged tolerable easy. both at Nuremberg by Ad she — Wi, Popsury shakes his head in Freee Pobd, (with careless optimism). Oh, she'll iss P.’s V. Ah, but let me e i come round all righ . IT onl ' ; could only keep him quiet by threa’ i i ! . o home by myself, and dear Bop is — : oted brother that—— Podb. Brother! I say, Curenarp, she can’t be meaving Boz all this time! She ' can’t! Can sie now ? : er—sa ims to that clioct cheat mee? Culch. How on earth can J tell? If it is P. “Well, not exactly, old chap—not iy it | | ' tas | so, you must be a phil , my dear fellow, to me, at least. But I say, Miss Trorrer | : and bear it—that ’s all. didn’t tell you that f Not really? Hooray! teh e) f/ Miss P.’s V. That fa Ean alter the case, - it’s all right—she may have me, after YAVAG . j doesn’t it? And I may tell him there ’s some ot Ia hope for him? You mustn’t t jndee udge him by On cule. (ohellingly). I should advise you (Bee LP what he is with his _— PopEcry. not to be dent. 4 Som Aloe, My ' Bos — such a much yo ea teen endures until they reach the landing- Za ; characte at Torcello.) They are here, you see eZ Mice T's V. Oh well, if he couldn’t stand — are evidently their coat secon - ef) io) li up more on his edge ‘than Mr. Popsvrr! nise those two cloaks. Now the best "thing J il Not that I mind Mr. Popsury any, there ’s 0 ae. VE f ne harm im bint. but. he’s 420 seal tebvelows Podb. (springing 8. Tie Right youare! (Jo ~ He uch. himself.) I'll draw the church first, and see “ . . Frivolous! From her if she’s there. (Approaches the door o A i ! pon Maria: a Voice within, appar y : ading aloud ; ‘* Siz. balls, or rather oe 4 i ' pone marble veined with white are set ——— ‘| \\ Miss ro vr. Well, see here, Hypart. of burp the edge of the pulpit, and orm == : SO ee I’ll take your brother on a trial for a spell, to its only decoration.”) Hypatia, by Jove! =. oblige you—there. I cannt say more at Nenvow shave that ! ‘He goes round to back. = 7. present. And now—about the other. I want Culch. (comes up to the door). 1 know I : to know just how you feel about him. shall find her here. Lucky if know that y Culeh. The other '—that’s Me! I wish to Torcello chapter in ‘* The Stones” very nearly “ Hypatia, by Jove!” ess you wouldn’t make all that noise, by heart! peas threshold. A Voice ype 7 ODBURY, just when it Rie interesting ' within. ‘* Well, I guess I’m going to climb up and sit in that old| Miss P.’s V. (very low). What isthe good ? bring amphitheatre there, and see how tt feels! ’) . Good heavens,— him back—now ! Mavp! and I was as nearly as possible—I think I'll go up to the ? How little she knows me! top of the Campanile and see if I can’t discover where Hrpatia is. hope you don’t consider me nothing. And a word (He ascends the tower. from me ‘eds bring him along pretty smart, only questien

In the Belfr is, whether I’m to say it es not f Podb. ( Sronthineas, exill oe c ly | Culeh. T really thank { maght arriving brea 88, ULCHARD erqneng e y y forward). Oh, s0 _ came up too? Well, can you oe her ? ties Popsury ? Lye answer. mie fish (Indignantly. most venture to go down, now, eh, Culeh. Ssh ! —. turned the corner! (Vered.) She’s Miss T.’s V. But min diet bs cones, you’ve got to care for with Miss Torrens. hey re sitting down on the grass below! him the whole length of — boa—you won "t’persuade him to run in Podb. Together? That’s a nuisance! Now we shall have to couples with anybody e That’s why he broke away the first wait till they separate—sure to squabble, sooner or later. time—and you were ever so mad with me use you thought I was Miss T.’s Voice (which is perfectly audible above). I guess we "Il at the bottom of it. But it wes all his pride. He’s too real inde- give Rosxrw a rest now, Hrratu. I a dying for a talk. I’m just | pendent to share chances with aoe y alive. as enchanted as I can be to hear you ’vye dismissed Mr. Popstar. Culch. ne thoroughly she understands me! gy hy mph hte oly. Miss T.’s And { guess C CHartey will grow out of the great Podb. (in a wh 5, they’ re going to talk ent on Sorrel in in time—it’s not going ever to grow out of Aim, us. Ought we to Hi Better let them know we ’re here ? Culch. I really don't see any necessity—however— (Whistles | "Culch. (bewildered). Cuantey ? I don’t see why she should mention Seebly.) — feedy-feedle ! | Van Boopeter now / Podb. What is the use of fustling like that? (Yvdels.) Lul-| Miss 7.’s V. I like Cuantey ever so much, and I’m not going li-ety ! to have him cavort around along with a circus of suitors under

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| Fesruary 6, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | vows. So, if I thought there was any chance of—well, say Mr. CULCHARD—— . Miss P.’s V. (indignant). Mavp! how can you? That odious | hypocritical creature! If you knew how I despised and ——! ‘Miss T.’.s V. Well, my dear, he’s pretty paltry—but we'll let him go at that—I guess his ‘have gone down considerable all round. Culch. Poppury, I—I—this conversation is evidently not intended for—for other—ears. I don’t know whether you have heard enough, I shall go down ! Podb. (with a ghastly chuckle), Like your shares, eh, old chap? And mine too, for that matter. Well, I’m ready enough to go. Only, for goodness’ sake, let’s get away without being seen ! (They slip softly down the series of inclined planes, and out to the steps, where t re-embark. As their gondola pushes off, Mr. Trorrer and Bos PREnpeRGast appear from the Museum. Mr. T. Why, land sakes! ain’t that Mr. Popsvry and Mr. Cut- coarp? Hi! You ain’t ever goingaway? There’s my darter and Miss Hypatia around somewhere.—They ’ll be dreadful disappointed. to have missed you! : Podb, (with an heroie attempt at cheeriness). We—we re awfully disappointed to have missed them, Mr. Trorrer. Afraid we can’t stop now! Core ! (CutcHaRD pulls his hat-brim over his eyes and makes a sign to the gondoliers to get on quickly ; Mr. TROTTER comments with audible astonishment on thewr departure to Bos, who preserves a discreet silence. A PALMY DAY AT ST. RAPHAEL. Villa Magali.—Delicious climate! Stvart-RenpeL says it “‘ re- minds him of Devonshire, without the damp.”” Mention of Devon- | shire reminds me of the Duxe. Try to point out to my friends that the Rossendale Election shows conclusively Curious! Friends all get up and go out! Seems that ANDREW CLARKE ially told them I was to ‘avoid all excitement, over-exertion, and talk about polities!’ Wish Crarke would not be so unreascnable. Must talk | about Rossendale to somebody. Off to Hyéres—to see CuttpErs. Find Curipers tolerably chatty. Doesn’t seem to care so much about Rossendale ‘result as [ x wee / have expected. Sruart-RENDEL comes to fetch me. Ahem! Off. At Monte Carlo.—Feel so well, have looked in here. Meet Wets, the ‘Champion Plunger.” Asks me if I’ve got a system ; he’s ‘* been losing heavily, and would be glad of any hint.” teamee his putting on the numbers of Rossendale Majority. WHELLs seems aeare at idea. Does so at once, and loses 10,000 franes straight off. eet him in grounds afterwards, and try to explain real significance of Rossendale election. Wertts disappears. Curious! CLARKE have got at WeLis? Golfe San Juan.—French war-ships in Bay. Admiral might like to know my views on Rossendale and politics generally. Taken on board. Admiral much interested in Mapen’s victory. Admiral asks if it was the ‘‘ Grand Prix” that Mapen won? Find he thinks Maven isa horse, Disappointing. [Query—AnprEw CLARKE again‘) Sent on shore in boat, amid cheers from sailors. Gratifying. Back to St. Raphael.—Tired, but on the whole gratified with my day. Friends pained to hear what I’ve done, and threaten to telegraph for Sir Anprew! Shall pack up and return. Letter from Mortey begging me to stay where I am. Odd! Can Sir ANDREW have got at Joun Morter? Bed, and think it over. Brotaen Bavusn, A.R.A.—Stan’ up, Stannorpe Forses! and receive our congratulations on your election. Sran-nope deferred maketh the painter’s ‘art sick of waiting, and now A Fores, not | The Forses (which his name is Jawns Brats, Cc. L. C. & D. R., &c., &c.), but the Stawnopr A-foresaid, has obtained his first grade. | With what pl i Art-loving Chairman see his Stan norE 1” In Burli House, of course we mean, as else- | where, the situation would be one of no slight danger. ph in the D. 7. informed generally, t “Dr. Rossow Roose and Mr. ALLINGHAM are contented with Mr. Epwarp Lawson’s ” If Box”—** And Cox ”"—“‘ are satisfied,” then of all Mr. E. L.’s friends in front none will be more delighted to hear of his complete recovery than his neighbour, Mr. Punch, of 85, Fleet Street. ‘PLEASED aS Puncn.”—A Mr. P. and the public Somerarye New us Soar.—The Trade is still booming. Almost every week appears a fresh candidate for public favour, its on upon some alluring speciality. We hear of a newcomer ikely to take the cake (of soap). On all the walls, and in most of so advertisement columns, will a, Nese forth its proud egend :—“‘ The Satisfactory Soap— Won't ash Anything.” Can ANDREW | LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS. IN ORDER TO HUSBAND OUR JUDICIAL STAFF, IN FUTURE A JUDGE WILL BE EXPECTED TO HEAR TWO CASES AT THE SAME TIME. Portrait or A Jupce TrytIneG A Taratricay “Cavsr Chiisre,” AND A NICE QUESTION AS TO A “‘ REMAINDER-MAN” AND A “‘ TENANT my Tar Mave.” HIGH (BEERBOHM) TREESON ! Dear Mr. Powcu,—I see that Mr. Beernonm Tree in his recent uetion of Hamlet has introduced a novelty into the tragedy by inventing fresh business. Unauthorised by the text, he has included Ophelia am the Court *‘ attendants,” and, finding her on the stage, has indulged in a dignified flirtation (in dumb show), worthy of the hero of L’ Enfant Prodigue himself. Now 1 think this a great improvement, and were the masterpiece to be ‘‘ written up’’ through- out on the same lines, I am sure the representation would be received with enthusiasm. It might be that the performance would be a little longer, but think of the enormous gain in interest. To show you what I mean, I take the first five lines of the opening Act :— SHAKSPEARE’S, VERSION. ‘Scene I.—Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle. his post. Enter to him Bexnanpo. Bernardo, Who's there ? Francisco. Nay answer me: stand and unfold yourself! This passage, furnished with proper business, might be rendered the means of showing the sort of lite led by Laertes, justifying the advice subsequently given to him by Polonius more appropriate to |the conditions of the case as now (for the first time) fully divulged, | Thus—I give my view of the matter :— AMENDED VERSION. | Scene I.—Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle. As the Curtain rises, shouts and laughs are heard without, A Village Maiden rushes in, as tf pursued. She hides herself behind the sentry- box, and then escapes. Francisco, who is on his post, looks about, and is surrounded by Danish Gallants, who have come in pursuit of the Maiden. e threatens them with his arms, and only one remains, who seems overcome by wine, The intorwated Gallant is masked, and evidently very much the worse for liquor. He clumsily draws his sword. Francisco is about to despatch him, when the mask falls, and in the dissipated reveller the Sentry recognises the bloated features of Laxntes. He imme- diatily presents arms, as LAERTES is his rior officer. LAEKTES, half-sobered by this suggestion of discipline, wishes to retire unseen, and gives largesse to Francisco. The Sentry is greatly gratified, when to them enters BERNARDO. Ber. Who’s there ? . > Fran. (sheltering Larntes, who stealthily retires by a rope-ladder which Foe from the battlements to the moat below), Nay, answer me. d and unfold yourself! By my version I really introduce a most fateposting i gateryict, which, in my opinion, is equally lensing ond quite as defensible as Mr. Brersoum Teee’s business with M4 . ours, | FRANCISCO on A SrickLer.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [Fesrvary 6, 1892. —— HUMAN NATURE. Jones has always vrofessed the greatest Indifference to (and contempt for) all Press Criticisms on his Work (although he takes in all the Pagers), Yer THIS Is WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE AND THIS 18 HOW HE APPEARED WHEN THE AND THIS IS THE WAY HE TREATS ALL WHEN HIs New NovEL was PRoNouNCcED A Norrn CLAPHAM GAZETTE DISMISSED THAT | NewsParers, Reviews, PERIOpIcALs, &c., Worx or Genius sy Tue Upper Toorrye | Immortal Boox a8 A Piece or Driveiiine | &c., THAT LEAVE THE IMMORTAL Book UN- Express. SENILE TWADDLE. NOTICED ! . Ow r > 4 ”» | All that becomes a hero, whilst last, but oh, not least! THE ATTACK ON THE “CAPITAL. KrwBERLeyvus fares forth to the fight as others to a feast. , A Lay of Modern London, a up!” — tons aoe Jp and ba yet al trap‘em! Arran, ents have been made for t political meetings in the Metropolis, ennington S, an ackney, with . » SD pham. at Ooch the Liberal Leaders will be the principal or I hear the of Chelsea, Islington North and West : : . Raise wails that find an echo in this mail-covered breast. Haxcvrtivs of the triple chin, by the Nine Points he swore Bermondsey and Whitechapel upraise a piteous plaint : The Capital should suffer from Tory sway no more ; (* Wy don’t our ’eroes wisit hus? We looks and there they ain’t!’ By the Nine Points he swore it, and named a trysting day, North Lambeth long neglected, and Wandsworth far South-West, And bade his messengers ride forth east and west, and south and north, | ([¢ | know where these places be I wish I may be blest !) To summon his array. a to us for succour: then Peckham, gallant Peckham East and west, and south and north the messengers ride fast ; Makes a far cry from her famed Rye. 0 brethren, shall we check ‘em, From Kennington to Poplar they ’ve heard the trumpet’s blast. These brave suburban stalwarts whose home is in the waste Shame on the false Caucusian who loiters in his Clu Afar from Pall Mall portals, swell Clubs, and homes of taste, When triple-chin’d Hanrcvrtrvs prepares the foe to drub! But who have Votes, my brethren? Nay, shout ye men of pith, Too long the Capital hath borne deo abhor Tory yoke, And strike for pining Poplar and hapless Hammersmith !” Too long the Liberals have failed to strike a swashing stroke. | “* Quite so!” cries cute MunpExta, the corvine chief and conky, Betrayed to Tory clutches by traitors shrewd and strong, ‘* But he who maketh too much noise may show himself a donkey. The banded foes have held it all too firmly and too long. The Capital seems quiet, Sir, the garrison is still, Bs Saispvrivs and Goscnentvs have struck unholy pact, Suppose we try that old Gaul game!” Hancurtivs cries, ‘I will! Foes long in dubious seeming, but ever friends, in fact, | Then silently and slowly, and all in single file, Devonian Cavenpvs, he of the broad and bovine jowl, They climb towards the Citadel. Haxcurtrvs, with a smile, Who smiled but coldly ever, now on our cause doth scowl. | Hath his head o’er the ramparts, when—Great Casak, what is this’ Cock-nosed CuBIcuLaktvs, once a Captain of our host They ’re ted with one loud, prolonged, and universal hiss ’ Now chums with bland Batrovrtvs, and makes that bond his boast. The sudden sibilation out of silence startles all, Oh, was there ever such a gang, so motley and so mixed, Hanrcvuntivs clangs his buckler, Orro nearly hath a fall, To garrison a Citadel on which all hopes are fixed ? |‘ Great gods, the Geese are on us, those confounded Sacred Geese, Oh, was there ever such a call to strike one mighty blow, See their long necks, twig their broad beaks! Cease, senile cacklers, | To snatch the Capital once more, and lay the traitors low ? cease |” Harcvrtivs hurries onward, he waves the Grand Old Flag, | So gaspeth t Hancurtivs, but gaspeth all in vain. And when that banner flouts the breeze, what slave so base as lag? | The gaff is on the anserine guard gives tongue with might and GLapstoxtvs at his elbow,—not he the Old, the Grand,— main. He shuns the fogs of winter in a far-off sunny land, | A stir, a tramp of mailéd feet, a torch-flare! Whillaloo! : | Nursing his force for the great fray that may right soon come on,— | *‘ Say, is this Marcus Mantius? No, hang it, there be two, This is not he of Hawarden, but the old hero’s son : SaLispurius and Goscuentvs, with a host, no doubt, behind, There ’s Orro, of the brindled beard, KussExxrvs swift of tongue, | They ‘re on their guard, whate’er may chance, we shall not ‘ catch | Rrpoytvs and Lerevurvs into the fray have flung. ’em blin Sleek-haired StansreLpvs also, McuwDELLa of the Beak. Like gudgeon. No! there’s not a chance of a surprise by night ; That Corvvs of the legion, good both to fight and speak, | If the Gauls take the Citadel, ye gods, they ’ll have to fight.” Leo Piayrarervs follows, and brave BANNERMANUS bears _ How history repeats itself! At least we must agree, The flag he’s fond of flaunting, there gallant Aucers dares | The Geese have roused the Capital? And savedit? We shall see

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= = =. ——————————— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesavary 6, 1892. | Pa in il ny Ai l | ee vp = = Ut} ] THE ATTACK ON THE “CAPITAL.” =

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Fesnvary 6, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SO ARTLESS! Scens—A Cinderella Dance, “COME HITHER, HUBERT!” , We are able to present our readers with a few notes of Site a lecture to be given by Professor Husext Herxomen, Mp HF R.A. (by the kind permission of AvrHor Prvero, Esq.), B/S to all managers, actors, actresses, scene-painters, authors, ty | com » Musicians, costumiers, and wig-makers who | will onour him with their attention. On this occasion | the Professor will (among other things) explain, by the aid of a Magic Lantern (an Me wy) oe invention recently | discovered by Professor H. H. to enlighten the stage darkness generally. The Professor will also combat the erroneous 1m on derived from the dark ages of Sux - SPEARE’S time, that the Moon, or the Man in it,—probably _a lime-lighterman,—ought servilely to follow the move- ments, in order to throw light upon them, of the Prin- |eipal Performer. The Professor will observe—‘* Such a ee’ f,) course, on the part of the Direction of the Moon, can only “ayy be considered beneficial to Art, when it is directed against [AA ‘The Star System.’ As cach ‘theatrical Star has its own >- Ss particular brilliancy, why lug in the Moon? Snax- ” -*) sPraRE, no doubt, had the Stage Moon in full view \Y . ¥%/ = when he makes Juliet roundly exclaim, ‘Oh, swear not , by the Moon, the inconstant Moon!’ as, of course, a oon bound to illuminate the business of any one actor must follow him about, and so, though ‘ constant’ to | him individually, would be open to a general charge of | inconstancy from the spectators in front. Such a course for the Moon to take is, as some of the better instructed among you may possibly be aware, quite unwarranted by the lunar laws of Nature, &c., &c.’ This interesting entertainment will wind up with a dia- logue between Arthur (Jones) and Hubert (HenxomeEn), of which we give an extract. It represents Arthur as wishing to produce a piece, which Hubert forewarns him j will be a failure unless he (Huser) paints the scenery and manages it generally. Arthur. 1s there no remedy ? Hubert. None, but to use my eyes. Arthur. O Hvnert! If you will, eut down my ‘ lengths.’ And I'll be merry as the day is long, So you don’t interfere. You've other irons Hot in the fire. Hubert (aside). With his innocent prate He will awake my mercy which lies dead. (Aloud.) Read this, young Anruvr! . P pees a _ a Manueer ipl, Arthur (o it. Starts). What! a pla you! Fe be produced by me! O veene!! [ Paints. We regret that want of space prevents our giving an | more of this charming work at nt, but no doubt ‘A ‘i } wty Oe Swell (to ingenuous Maiden), ‘‘ ARR You ENGAGED!” Ingenuous Maiden, ‘‘ No—sut—I SHOULD 80 LIKE TO BE!” will not be long ere the Public has the gratification of [And, asthe old game has it, the consequences were——? | hearing and seeing it all. A PARAGON FRAME (OF MIND). (“I never took anybody’s umbrella.”— Plaintiff’ (4 Cook) in a recent Breach of Promise Case.) Commow are Cooks, professed, plain alike a ~ youths their sustenance who | on, Common (I’m told) a breach of promise suit, | _ And common, damages, in courts on Common are briefs as blackberries; and fees | Are common quite as “leather and ok _ nella”? Common are “ unprotected”’ witnesses | \° Credat”—as Horace somewhere sings— | in) Apella f ”) But most uncommon seems a lowly Cook | Who with sincerity can kiss the | And swear (to shame her betters!) ne’er she took By sad “ mistake or otherwise,” by hook ; Ur, as will eventuate, by Be it silk or gingham—anyone’s umbrella! Mrs. Raw ties,” says Mrs. the few things I know it does seem to me that CuvEcHIt, is a white the neck of Lord SaLispuRY.” on Current Potrrics.—“ Poli- Ramszoruam, ‘i , “is one of ing about. But a ee | On @ +} not bei ‘* Heavens !”—Recently inthe Atheneum, | and copied elsewhere, a most in- | teresting intelligence that has been received for some time. ‘‘ The small planet | No. 315”—no further address is given, an | |omission which will, no doubt, be rectified | in the next issue—‘‘which was discovered | at Nice by M. Cuartors on the 4th Sep- | tember, 1891,’’—the small planet, of course, | out of the nurse’s arms, was not | responsible for being at Nice at an un-| fashionable time, but this, of course, is the | fault of her parents and g ** has | been named Constantia.” Kather late to| delay the christening for nearly five months. | Of course, the brilliant infant will not sta at Nice, except by medical advice, but wi probably return to No. 315, Milky Way (or elsewhere), on the first opportunity. Stc_itur ad astra! * A Srupent or History” writes to us :— “‘Sir.—I have been reading a great deal lately on ecclesiastical subjects, and shall be very much obli if you will explain to me briefly what ‘ Inclosed Orders’ are.” (If “A Srupent” will send us, under cover to our office, two +h Orders m4 two pounds illi each respectively, further ex- pianation than that conveyed . our receipt or the same will be unnecessary.—Eb. | A RIDDLE. I’ underneath your feet In the streets of London Town, From town take “ t,” Then give it to me, And you'll sell me for a crown. Mars. R. awp Tae Prevariine Ertpemic.— Our excellent friend is now convalescent. ** Like Cesar or Caesar's wife, I forget which it was,” she says, ‘* I have passed the Barbi- can!” Some one having suggested that pro- bably she meant ‘‘the Rubicon,” Mrs. R. ed him politely, but added, that she perfectly well knew what she was talkin about, and that everyone who was acquain = history would understand her classical elusion. Puzzter ror a Costumrer.—A Gentleman oing toa Fancy Dress Ball wants to know ow he can make up for Lost Time ? Names for the next pair of Tailed Monkeys sent to the Zoo—** Mr. and Mrs. Caupat.” N.B.—"' Confessions of a Duffer,”’ No. IV., next week.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fepavary 6, 1892. | aa a sweauee') ot lj SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS COOD FOR A COBBLER NOT TO STICK TO HIS LAST. Fair Matron, ‘1 newemper your actine ‘Sm Ayrnoyny,’ YEARS AGO, WHEN I was A GIRL, | Stn Cuarnizs! You DID IT SPLENDIDLY!” The Great Mathematician, ‘‘ AM, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT, THAT BIT OF ACTING BROUGHT ME MORE COMPLIMENTS THAN ANYTHING I EVER DID?” Fair Matron. ‘‘1 sHOULD THINK 80, INDEED!” ” be expected Our Counsel had been right, for the liquidators had appealed. 3 ** But we have beaten them again, my dear Sir! Think of that,—beaten them again!” : ** And now you will have no further difficulty, su ” TRUE AND TRUSTY. (A Story of the Law.) I atways liked Lawrence Luckarenyy, and shall never forget the first time I met him. He was leaving the County Court, where I had had myself a small matter of business, and know- ing the same Counsel, we foregathered. He was in great spirits. He had just won his case. * Yes,” said he, ‘it was a hard fight, but we came off all right. His Honour was distinct] in our favour, so now I and my co-trustees will have the satisfaction of feeling that the estate has benefited, with no greater loss than a few months’ delay. Eh?” and he turned to our Counsel, who smiled, and shook his head a little | Lords had decided against him. doubtfully. | “Jt is very awkward,” he observed, ‘“‘ they “Can searcely go so far as that,” the man of | will not allow my costs, and so I shall have to law observed. ‘* You see, these matters take time, | pay them out of my own pocket! And what and the other side may appeal.” | makes it the more —_ is that, even had “Appeal! What is that?” we won our cause, it would have led to nothing, “I am afraid you will have the full oppor- | as the estate we were fighting is practically bank- a for learning, my dear fellow.” | rupt.”’ ell, it’s all right up to now,” cried Lucx- offered my condolences, and we separated. APENNY, cheerfully, and we separated. The last time I saw r Luckapenny, he _ Two or three years after this I again met the looked a very shadow of himself. He was hag- litigant, but this time in the Royal Courts of gard and thin, and was wearing clothes of an Justice. There were streaks of white in his hair, | ancient cut and threadbare material, He smiled but he was still cheerful. as he met me, and observed that he was still I asked him how he was getti on with ) ’ mm on the trust matter. : the matter, and he replied, ‘As well as might' ‘ But I have come to the last stage,” he said ; can’t go quite so far as that,” returned Lucxapenny, who I noticed was adopting legal phraseology. ‘‘ You know they may take us up to the House of Lords, if they please !”’ And agsin time went on. In the course of years I found that poor Luckarenny had been taken to Westminster, and their a had decided to give themselves time to consider their judg- ment. When I met Luckapenny again, the House of | ** I have paid the costs in full. And ~gs am eving ae ted, * Goi ome,” I repea' and | noticing that he seemed feeble, offered him the support of my arm. ‘I will hoc far as your resid neal * You are very good,” ied, |‘ but I am afraid that I cannot ask you to come in.” | ** Never mind that; but where do you live?” ** Where should I live after a law- |suit?” he returned, with a short laugh. ‘* Why, in the Workhouse, to | be sure—in the Workhouse!” And as a ratepayer, [ have assisted to support him ever since ! | | . |A MENU FROM BIRMINGHAM. PoraGes., Duchesse. Consommé de Déluge a ]’Aprés Moi. Porssons, Hors d’Eanu a |’ AppAt convenable. Crevettes a l' Envie, Entries. Petits Fongeeames a la Robe de oseph. Filets de Vis, Sance Monopole. Pattes de Matou aux Griffes. Rors. Moi Méme. Dinde Fidéle de Jessé. Lioumes, Orchis en Boutonniére. Hartijo Sauce Soumission. Revevés, Monocle. Salmi de Paires Filants aux Lis. ENTREMETS. GAateau Rossendale. Conserves d’Eglise Galloise. Dessert. Bonbons de Famille. Hamecons de Flatterie. Oublis. IN STATU,—QUO? SmouLp CroMwELt have a statue at Westminster was a b ques- tion some years ago. We know the result, and nowadays, who cares? At present, the question at Oxford is, Shall Cardinal Newmax have a statue? and, if so, Shall it be just opposite the ’ Memo- rial ? From one point of view, the situation is happily selected, as, of course, NEWMAN was on just e y opposite ground to CRANMER, RIDLEY, and Latrwer. The Oxford Dons are right in su ing that no statue can be eneeted without a previous design; a design by a hand that has not Tost its cunning. The site is in Broad Street, a very sug- gestive name as to ness of any sort: yet so eager are the illogi Dems in the Say =! of preservation of spaces, ore even the base of a clay model has been commenced, they have already the for the recep- prepared j tion of the statue by getting up any amount of railing about the pro- site | | Boudin de Labouchére a la Lanterne. |

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I Fronvary 6, 1892.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, : erititia Z I gy Mi gazed 4. Wf > ny) 7 WAY 1)! 0\ Jan it / ie 4 4 abel 44 J . Z Ms 7’; , ; iy , uae Asis yz Ag - reared hOGA ecb » GMMIMITTN ass 19 te fam V/A a . Uj : V4 WF” ; TUTE ; , y } tH | yy ote ““WAKING-UP” FOR THE OPENING OF THE SESSION. ——$————

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| melancholy, doomed face, he might have died | BROKE, the eloque nt philosophiser, the grave | moralist, how different might their ends neve | of £800 a year, a sam which was consi | ing season, devoted | what he had gained, and to enter on life with troops of friends. 72 ‘ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesruary 6, 1892. LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. No. X.—TO CROOKEDNESS, OBLIQUE, BUT FORMIDABLE ON®, f P You have frequently fixed your abode in high places. Are there not recorded in history the names of kings and states- men whom an irresistible desire to scheme, and trick, and over- reach, has brought to the block? The times were difficult—that | much one may admit. Noble heads of honourable and upright men were lopped in profusion; and it may be argued, with some show ‘of reason, that the man whose character was as flawless as re crystal, was like to fare as badly as the muddiest rascal of And yet I cannot help believing er end if the m all, if his side sank in defeat. that, in some cases at least, a man might have had a ha he had abstained from acts of political turpitude, whic irrational in their conception as they were ruinous in their effect ; acts, that is, which, in the existing circumstances, no sane man could have undertaken unless the mere doing of these rogueries had been a supreme and a necessary pleasure to him. There was poor Cua RLes THE Frest. Surely, in spite of that were as in peace if he had only played the game fairly. James THE SEconD, too, and MaRLBoRoven, the greatest Captain of his age, and Botmre- been had not you, O CrookEDp Ess, presid But, at their births, and ruled their lives. avaunt, History _ re I am straying into a treatise, when I merely intended to remind you of little Perer Sueer, and of his adventures. Peren and I were fre shmen together at Cambridge in e remote past before ‘* Johnnies,” aid ** Chappies,’ und ** Mashers” had been heard of, before the “* oof 1” had been fledged in its pink and sporting nest. or the Egyptian cigarette asserted its universa sway. I daresay we differed but little (by “‘ we” I mean the freshmen of our year) from those who have lately appeared for the first time in King’s Parade, or Jesus Lane. We were very young — we imagined Proctors to be destitute of human feeli we ate por- tentous breakfasts of many courses, ro for the most part, treated our allowances as though they had been so much pocket-money. Also we had an idea that a man who had passed his thirtieth year was absurdly old, and that nobody could be called a boy whose name had been entered on the books of a College. In fact, we were freshmen. Perer and I werea good deal thrown together during our first term. Like me, he had come up from one of the smaller schools, and we had not, therefore, a very large number of friends to start with. Perer was one of the pleasantest fellows in the world, always cheerful, good- temperec i and obliging. He always seemed to have plenty of money. Indeed, I know that his father made ‘tim an allowance iderably more than double | majority of his fellows. The parental red was a Solicitor, who had mete Mel mark and —— by the crafty — of shad Beg in | distress, of us company Eromotess, and generally e great race who live in the narrow border-land which divides the merely dis- reputable from the positively indictable. But at that time I didn’t that received by the Surer I have since discove trouble my head to inquire about Prrer’s father, was content as most Undergraduates are, to take my friends as I thought I found them. Perer was musical ; a > ed several instruments with skill, and sang a capital song. all these qualities, he soon | became, to a certain extent, b. . He then set up as a giver of good and expensive dinners, .*- “pt a couple of horses in the hunt- reat attention to his dress, and made himself unobtrusively agreeable to the little gods of our miniature world. In his second year he had gained a position ; most ke well of him, and liked him. It only rested with Perer himself to maintain . few moments of purposeless folly were sufficient to shatter um. | remember that in my first term I was not very bly im- pressed by something that Perer did. A dog-fancier amet to come through the street in which we both lodged, and Petzr began to bargain with him es a -y oy who, according to the fancier’s account, had a long, and as illustrious as that of a Norman Peer. Fvemteally 1 it had been agreed that the dog was to become Peter’s property in consideration of thirty shillings in a pair of trousers, and a bottle of brandy. The exchange was made, and the man departed. Thereupon Prrer informed pre with glee, that the trousers were a pair of Ris father’s, which had bee ked in his portmanteau by mistake, and that the brand Am anne tained about fifty per cent. of water, that amount of brandy having been poured off belore payment was made As Peter put it, “I’ve done him in the eye, to prevent him doing me.” I tried in vain to bring him round to the opinion that (let alone robbing one’s father) cheating a cheat was one of the pues forms of us of reguesy The dog- fancier soon afterwards returned, an , with tears in his eyes, that the shabby trick had = in his tenderest feel- s, but he seemed quite willing to begin a fresh bargain with “‘ the nly gen’lemen, s’help me, as ever bested pore little ALEc.” on All this is, however, by ‘the way. I merely mention it to illustrate Perer’s character. At the University Steeple-Chase Meeting, which took place at the end of our third October term, SHeer had entered his animals for several races. He wasa g rider, and confidently antici — success. To celebrate the occasion, he had arranged a big dinner- , and had invited some twent e > to dine with him. I had been unab to the races myself, but at the cape hour I turned up at SHeer’s rooms. [ found the table. brilliantly laid, aati hanging about, and dozens of Cham in readiness. SHEEF =~ > Paes but. sido myself, no other guest h appeared. And not a single one came, I rn what one the miserable host made, but the result was that we two solemnly dined at a table laid for ten times our number. I think See remember that ghastly festivity as lo live. The next day = Cambridge ~ that SHEEF a y only pulled one of a horses openl ay ye but wena ed | Cth is friends and = book-makers as to the horse he intended to ride in a race for which entries were made at the post. I never heard that he stood to win more than £50 by the transaction. And for this paltry sum (paltry, that is, to a man of his means) he had wrecked his reputation, and all the possibilities of his career. I see him ay oy! about London some- times. Last year he passed, with much dis- credit, through the Bankruptcy Court. He has been a Director of countless Companies, for the stock of fools seems to be inex- haustible. There can only be one end for such a man as SHEEF. e cool, callous, and me. ~ h. knave may get clear a to the end; but SHeer pivere | was st sth y good-natured ke : os yey of millstone round the % 1} 7 # aS he cannot myself detest him as I —_ a ‘ He was so near to completely successful re- spectability. But crookedness ruined him, in spite of his better wishes. Was it altogether his own fault ? rves, lets me out. That, as Mr. Brer Harre obse Droeewes Rosrnsoy. I remain as before, A Dangerous Title. (To Mr. Joseph Hatton, Author of “ Cigarette Papers.’’) CIGARETTE Fopete, em when properly stuffed, Are meant, I su de gp ed When we take ta hand, a consuming Attacks 0s to set the gay trifles on fire. Yet, the brand goed (here a pare They are always ome they ke, From aw X.J. P. to Lory Carer Justice ae eae complain of ‘* the Licence of the Bar?” Of course it goes with, _3 avt of, every Licence pt R pen I granted me esex Magistrates. I’ve pol a eipednn deat and don’t read much; but I Tt boned Jest commen in writing to you at once on matter. BERT Eines, x. ae P., “4 At the Sign of the Pig and Pippin. silted | By To tHe Forvre A.R.A.—Better luck next Mr. satisfied that, though at present er A ones B.A. hte, Rara Avis. As you can plume yourself ‘in hoe Cygno, vinces!” Which we caninecally and — nm for the nonce —___, cash, | nonce-sensically render, ** In this (matter), to the th ~ say) you will (go in and) win!” Cy NOTICE. —Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, in be returned, Hee AL not even when sccompanied by » Stampod and Pictures of any description, will Sovliaen, Gove, ot Waaee To this rule

Page 15

PUNCH, OR _THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Fasavarr 6, 1892. ae 1892 MUNICH BAVARIA kR. CRYSTAL PALACE,

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Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Fesrvary 6, 1892. —— 4 — ~~ os > SS “een PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. ah gar D eae) ie > ® | Se lll re WY] / " Wy TO! Peat Wye CADBURY'S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE, THEREFORE BEST. NO CHEMICALS USED. Pe ST EL as DVT OY LA TG OR NT CP Te aoa ae oe ° line ; °