Punch 1891: Vol 100

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UW ify Tis, f Cia) y WY), Ut) 4AAE, Min 4 7, Wy Mij4 LONDON : PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, 1891.

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June 27, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “on indeed may be regarded as the tutelary deity of the Naval Exhibition.” Mr. Puxcu, musing by moonlight hard by the model of the ever memorable Victory, mentally quoted and approved. Mr. Poxcu was musing of many things. Mainly of his own Jubilee, or rather the Jubilee of his immortal Journal, the One Hundredth Half-Yearly Volume of which was in his hands. “ This Show,” he reflected, ‘‘ demonstrates what colossal changes—many of the best of them owing their origin to Me!—have taken place since, Fifty Years ago, I penned the Preface to my First Volume, in the Year of Grace 1841! ” The search-light from the top of the Eddystone Lighthouse almost dazzled the Sage’s upturned eyes, but for all that he could hardly be mistaken in his instant identification of a Shadowy Presence which shaped itself before him. Where is there an Englishman who would not recognise that small but striking and spirit-suffused figure, that keen, unconquerable glance, that ardent yet almost ascetic-Jooking face, that familiar star-decked uniform, that hanging coat-sleeve ? Mr. Poxcu rose and doffed his hat in respectful salutation to the Illustrious Shade, murmuring as he did so— “For gods they are, through high Jove’s counsels good, Haunting the earth, the guardians of mankind,” “ Ah,” said the Shade, smiling deprecatingly, “twas so Mr. Souruey, in ending the story of my life, spake of ‘ the spirits of the great and the wise, which continue to live and to act after them.’ But things have indeed changed, Mr. Puxcs, since that last went into action!” And he pointed, as he spoke, to the black and yellow poop of the Victory. “ Not so far changed, that there is a single British heart which does not thrill more at the sight of the mimic scene in yon dimly-lighted cockpit than at that of the huger Victoria of to-day, though it can hurl in one colossal shot as much iron as a broadside and a half of the Victory of yours, my Admiral.” “ Ah! I wonder what Bexsow would liave thought of ‘ The Mimic Naval War on the Lake’?” pursued Mr. Poxcn's interlocutor. ‘We did not play at pitched battles, or rehearse Trafalgar with toy-ships, in our belligerent but less scienti- fically ingenious days.” * Not much play, my Horatio, about the encounter between the Almirante Lynch and the Blanco Eucalada, the other day,” said Mr. Ponon, smiling. “ The fact is, Admiral, a naval engagement in our Titanically-armed times must be so complicated, so sensational and so sanguinary a drama, that a little mimic ‘ rehearsal’ is perhaps advisable, ** Doubtless, doubtless !’’ murmured the Shade. | “ Nevertheless,” pursued Mr. Poncu, cheerily, “I will wager that the model of the Victory and the Nelson Relics will draw more British visitors to this Exhibition than all the Cyclopean wonders and Titanic marvels of the Armstrong Gallery. Vulcan has not yet superseded Neptune in the worship of the English-speaking peoples,” The Hero’s ardent eyes gleamed with gratification. Doleful dumps for duffers!” cried Mr. Puxcu. “ A stout heart is never long in the doldrums, You yourself once | lost hope for a little—after the loss of your dexter fin at Teneriffe. ‘A left-handed Admiral,’ you wrote, ‘ will never again

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I [iy PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juxe 27, 1891. | be considered as useful.’ And that was before the Nile and the Baltic! Aha! but right soon ‘the radiant orb suspended in your mind's eye which urged you onward to renown ° (to quote your own vivid words), resumed its star-y-pointing sway.” “ You combine the dauntless pluck of Daaxe with the cheery optimism of Disvrx, Mr. Posxou,” said the Hero. “ Bat, the Laureate of the Victorian Navy would have other materials for his metre than Cauroett or Disors dealt with.” “ Three-quarters of a ton of iron, hurled by the explosion of 960 lbs. of powder from the muzzle of a 110-ton gun, with an energy equal to 55,253 foot tons, through 28 inches of iron and steel, 20 feet of the hardest oak, 5 feet of solid granite, 11 feet of concrete, and 6 feet of brick—40 feet of tough material all told! By Thor, Admiral, that ought to afford Titanic inspiration to some lyrical Son of Thunder! We may say, indeed, parodying Camppe.t’s immortal ode — “ Like leviathans afloat “ As they hew their headlong path, Lie our bulwarks on the brine ; Fraught with shrieking, shattering death, Scarce the rocks the Titans threw, The most bold may hold his breath Or the bolts of Jove divine, For a time!” Matched the missiles of to-day, immense, sublime— “ Good!” said the Shade. “ It seems to me, Sir, considering the part the English Navy has played in the Eng- lish Story, that it has hardly been adequately sung by our Bards or set forth by our Statesmen. Truly this Big Show is something—by way of a begiuning. But why should there not be a permanent Naval Exhibition, always on view, and so ordered and arranged that every British boy shall, as a matter of course, become familiarised with the heroic memories of the past, the great actualities of the present, and the splendid poss:bilities of the future ?” “ Why, indeed ?” echoed Mr. Puxcu, musingly. “ Heroic Horatio, you have accurately hit it! Of the British Boy it may be said— ° “The British Fleet he cannot see, Because ‘tis not in sight. That is, the Naval history of our country, and its Naval needs, are not, as they should be, forced home to his intelligence by every device of pedagogue, poet, paterfamilias, show-shaper, and statesman. When they are, we shall, perhaps, have less official fumbling, financial waste, and Naval inefficiency.” “ Look to it, Mr. Puxcu!” murmured the Shade of the Great Admiral, in a voice faint but emphatic, his form slowly dislimning in the sheen of the search-light. “ Trust me, Mighty Sailor,” responded the Sage. “ And as evidence of the patriotic spirit in which I shall play my part, I present you with my own particular (and portable) ‘ Search-Light,’/—powerful, penetrative, all-pervading. For Fifty Years now it has periodically flared forth and lustrously illuminated the Universe. It will make clear to you many things that perchance may strike you as obscure and nubibustic—in the Shades. At the end of my Fiftieth Volume I invited the World to my Jubilee this year—now arrived. May I beg the favour of your presence at my Centenary ‘ At Home,’ on the 17th of July, 1941? Meanwhile, this—and its successors—may profit and please you !” Whereupon England's favourite Sage politely proffered to England's favourite Hero his One Hundredth Volume!!! , * See PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. Shaka

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PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. NOW |SOCIETY PICTURES. By George du Maurier. The 3rd No., Price One Shilling, of The Complete Edition, Price 85/-, of READY.|~ ©, Burnand’s HAPPY THOUGHTS. auosiraoi _ —— : Y xe 2582. : VOLUME ONE HUNDRED. ' —e— JANUARY 3, PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. “PRT IAS AND SOLD 7 BOOKSELLERS. Schweppe's Sparkling Malvern Sir Henry THompson :—“ No BOTTLED THE SPRINGS. water exists in any natural sources than that of our own Malvern Spri ‘“SON3d 33SNHL 301d

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_ cm FB hy Ms. ie se “48a i - ae Pe ee aie

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 3, 1891.

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OCTOBER xxxi Days.

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aan xxx Days.

| JANUARY xxxi 3 FEBRUARY xxvii uper| T iil i ST i EEElied sth =

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL AUGUST xxxi Days. ——

January 3, 1891.]

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 3, 1891.

TO-DAY’S AMUSEMENTS. (As they will probably be advertised in the Press of the day after to-morrow. ) Execotiow oy tae Litrte Pepimeron Munperer.— gallows seats, immediately behind the , commanding a view of the dying struggles, with chance hearing the se ere last confession ; Lady’s ticket TwoGuineas. Lady and Gentleman’s, ditto, three guineas. (8°30 a.m.) Tait at THe Orn Barer or La Brie ane poisoner. Last day of trial, see -up of the Judge, intense fasleding’ - on” y~ bye and of > - — (ine * snack” a of opera-g manding front view of me + —s summing -up, of the prisoner's — passing of (11. a.m. Ladies ad to be tn theds places not later than 10°30)" Great IwreuwarionaL Caimes Exursrrion at Basotta.—Addi- tional Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals from Carty to Caantes Peace; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all Ages, with illustrations and demonstra- tions (3 p.m. and 7 p.m.) Old Newgate. Medieval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution Tableaux, - the grounds ; realistic renderings of ts nflisted on HavarLLac, Damiens, &., &c, (3 o’elock and 6° 30.) Avuto-da- Fé at 2°30 and 7. dmionion One Shilling. | Children - eight half-price. Ladies’ Reserved Sea ‘inelusive of all Shows) One a Open 10 till ~ (Thirty thousand persons, ¢ chiefl es, passed the laot Wedneaiee ) _— Seeeaeee Demon- STRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SuaeicaL Socrety’s Roome.— Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon Tirana come the actual cautery No annoying noise, or are | struggles! Bal will play y Pepeien Pieces. (3 P.M.) Bout Fient at THE Ancapiaw Hatt.—Full 7% Spanish Programme this day. Absolutely no re- ~ ae Serious ac- daily! Two —, killed last — and seven seri- injured. No de- Ay Extra fierce pn = oes, and “-, rospect | ad - Mi ScenEs IN THE Arena!!! Admission, ls. to £5 5s. Specially Reserved Front Seats for Ladi IupeRIAL PaonooraPnic Socrery, Hatt or Hornors.—Phono- raphie Keproductions of Last Dring 8 and Confessions of riminals. Sobs and Hysterical A hy. ag, F- {Wena anpeclaiios Reports of Cases tried in awe. Conversations of parties to Causes pete yon oe realistic revelations, and Sensational V Half a Guinea. (8 p.m.) <r Admission of which copies including a, pe Y 1 iustrated Catalogu ( y private only ustr Ca (pu apne, 62 £10 108 10s. (10 till .) Os. (1 4 the Blood Bath, or, f Strongly comp ), Two Guineas. Dance Tables’! The Toilet | | and Beauty and Sacien Ne in aes ane irth- moving Murders and Suicides ! ! Roars of Secend Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open ae 730. Commence at Moving in Society at 9! soah Talleh Soune o8 9 201 The Blood-Bath at 10 45! Death Dance Tableau at 11°5! Carriages at 11°10! Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second still crowded with the éiste of F rashion | Be in time!!! —a Society

“ LITERARY.

THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY. a —Leisurely return to England, Enthusiastic reception ” obras .—Greeted by Mayor and re, with an address at Mi Fm + . the « Guildhall. Acceptance of the arch.—Im scene at the — Freedom of the City. provinoen Lond - the London Season. — a nightly invita- noone Gelstey from morning to night. Uni- versal ition of July. success of book of travels » yom Popularit at ie aoe Sy : where, save hich in tows, to 8 . counter - charg | recrimination. irst- | scheme) and everything \\, forgotten (if not for- | given) in time to observe a Merry and a Happy New Year. HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR. Emperor of R-ss-a. STARS.” Siberia. — King of It-ly.—To come to terms with the Vatican. Emperor of G-rm-nv.—To stay at home. King of P-rtug-|.—To accept the situation - ee. Pr C-rn-t.—To forget the existence King of Sp-n.—To master the difficulties of Pte Pihabet. Emperor of A-sir-a.—Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends meet. Lord 8-\-sb-ry.—To —— for the General Election. Mr. Gi-dst-ne.—To ex Home Rule. Lord R. Ch-rch-ll Te give up racing in favour of politics. Mr. H. M. 8t-nl-y.—To re-write Darkest Africa, General B-th.—To publish a balance-sheet will please all. Mr. Sheriff A- ees H-rr-s. _ attend to his pecleostonal daties, and get through his official work. And Mr. P-nch.—To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a century.

Svecestion vor Ma. W. B. at rue T. R. O.—Should Mr. Witsow Bageetrr contemplate giving another Matinée of that out-of-date play, The Lady of Lyons, why +~ Fe ap its title to The Old Lady of Lyons? No extra charge for this suggestion. Genourye Onance Brrrers.—Police Protection to Tim HeAty.

~ a ~ ea ——

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January 3, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

———

VOCES POPULI. THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY. Ganp~-2ie Ewe s m, draperiay, and pode dagee yor 1h week ihe Ladies oft the company are re tying ore wis the woek rack their brains for a suitable Word. 9, ont fie mes . NiewtincaLe and Miss Ross he RTE LO Mi and —self- t tay real yok, we. mae ry and Scie Su some an hour, and the wan beating Ladies.) Do come ; it’s really no *ve settled what we’re to do.

: you’re not much use oyer there, you know. I hope you and Rosse have been putting Vr. ‘Nighteoale (c Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, r. le e ah—yes, we've of a lot of Words. Miss Rose, Only you've driven them all out of our heads again ! resume their conversation. somebody! Professor, won’t you give us ® Word Chorus ‘of Ladies, Ob, do, Protewor—you're ware to think of Profane Pall Pelion (modestly). Well, really, I’ little e these matters that—— wit has just Po ‘oan, me, with approval—(he beams tacles)—it’s ‘* i, aur * of Ladies Charming Monocottle——Oh, can’t we do Mr. Wh. (dubiously). We t—but —er—what’s it mean ? Prof. Pollen, i ’s a simple ical term, signifying bout py amen one leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants wi Mr. Wh. I don’t see how we’re to act a plant with only -lobe myself—and then then ie syllables—**mon ”-‘‘ oh ”’- “* cot ”-** till” —we shouldn’t get done bed Wht, you know ! Prof. Pollen, fed ey Well, I merely threw it out as a SS. ly = =e ve been made amusing. No doubt I Mr, Settee “(nercoual rE tof a word. How would— a ly). I’ve thought of a ow er th wh ( Mr. Flinders. Wh. Gam’ . Now, 8 do not te Sase Mies ay Re Ay Steals gineat loaipets : = ike PT pate you seit your — ree — he doesn’t see it, and is allowed to “‘foaue ‘Familiar ! ** Fame” -“* il] ”- thing—songatalate you, *tiet HYs | I say, here, I neal that, “ars ” oy hoe hye Wh. Capital! The

MODERN VERSION OF “PAUL AND VIRGINIA”

Mr. Whipster (huffily). oy to me I may as well go and sit with Mt Puchington. Ob. 9 W I want you to be r. Pus tyes, ny want you my oon- fidential butler, and ae the patients in ’ . (Mr. W. accepts—with a view to showing Posurrerton that other people can act as well as he. ArrTer THE SEconD SYLLABLE, Mr. Pushington. Seemed to drag a little, somehow! There was no necessity for you to make all those soliloquies, Wuirster. A Doctor's confidential servant wouldn’t chatter so much ! Mr, Whipster. You were so conf y solemn over it, I had to ms some fun in somewhere ! r. P. Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. Novody laughed. Professor Pollen, I don’t know, Mr. Pusnrxeton, why, when I : Settee (sotto voce). was describing my symptoms—which I ean vouch for as tifically you . ng oe paneer 2 isted in kicking m under the table—it wes Mr. Wh. (ditto - What on earth does it matter who it, so | unprofessional, Sir, Pg ! long as it’s right ? Don’t be an ass,Sxrre! (Aloud.) How are we r. Pushington. I was only tryin pd dads od as there going to do the first syllable ‘‘ Fame,” eh ? [{Mr. 8 sulks, | were a dozen other people to es cay = Timeline’ apy enna ot, and all the indies Canto engy. One of us must come on as a short, ae en es has taken nearly an hour. Poet, and all the ladies m eee poune Setting Si, ane Miss Buckram, If I had known the kind of questions you were ght ae for his and so don’t mind doing | going to ask me, Mr. Pusuineron, I should certainly not have eT ‘ Jamey So up to it. poy ey yet lf to them. n, Taay n0 more, but I must positively decline yah part by turning his dress-coat inside el and cates ive totes and 2 Eon seme eam, By woay of PR ccaden 0c, bas sity, yon been, fo in Charades one gets ug the eccentricity of genius ; the Ladies adorn them- carried away at times. " | assure you, I hadn’t the remotest (&., Ore. APFreR THE Fiast SYLLasiz. The Performers return Srom the drawing-room, followed Mr. Pushington. W: , that syllable, eh? (NM You chan Yer tn played = me little —y 4 Nay me Miss ise Larkspur. You never let Hefa oes, th Mr. ail Ditbe Ta ay of once, tha’ Now then—“ if,” Ee be 9 ceguated . ~ AY S-4e me one by a "Jor there Ah ictiiakes a dressing-gown

[tires hi pope oar yeomanry he —until Miss Buckram is partly moliified.) Now ie lable. Louk hese, 5 7 So.0 sageiae Hapeiee, don’t you know, and come on and say what a liar I am. @ ought to make screaming] aan . FTER THE Tuiep SYLLABLE. Mr. Pushington. ‘manent of —~ < ne muddled—you all cuties coo 6 ite batinn 2g my mouth ! ’t seem to know how to begin, and we hed to Saas Oe somehow. Jed in B _ in P—but needn’t have let it out, There osteitis “Har” till he was black in the face. We pad y man ne pay from the front. I shan’t go in ain ee orn It’s no use acting Charades with _ on’t understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves |! » that

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 3, 1891. =— Arrer tHe Worp, Amone THe AvDIENce. woe Seow Whe — it per Pa Turk, % or agician ?—Qoarrelli —Parnellite ?—Impertinence we give it up ? No, they Like us to poor things ; and besides, if we don’t, they "ll do another; it is getting so late, and such a drive home, Oh, they’re all coming back ; then it isover. No, ~h et $ ne, ar!” To be sure—how clever and how well you acted it, to be sure—you must be quite tired og ag ee iss yourself. never ised you a bit, nor you, Me. Woowsnvasza. What part Ou er Me. Nightingale. I—er—didn’t take any particular part—wasn’t wanted, you know. Miss ‘ion. Not to act,—so we stayed outside and—and—arranged things. An Old Lady. Indeed ?_ Then you had all the hard work, and none of the pleasure, my dear, I’m i = —_ Rose (sweetly), Oh no. I mean yes!—but we didn’t mind it much. The O. L. And which of you settled what the Word was to be ° he Well, I believe we settled that aot 4 r ages are announced ; departure o, who are not o ” he loa arty. In the Smoking-room in PusHiIneTon discovers t does not seem exactly popular with the other men, and puts it down to jealousy. ROBERT’S XMAS BANKWET. We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel Toast of course was, ‘Success to the Grand Old Cop- perashun, and may it flurrish for ewer!” with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the bewtifool Lany Maness, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we Waiters is a t race and knows our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects quite as well as ewenj i relves. I next perposed Compnys, in a speech, as Brown said, as ort for to be printed and sircculated. had serttenly given a good deal of atention to it, and ps s have dun ewen better if I Neate Soatoutes ware of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred all about their luviy dinners, and that was naterally more intresting to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, of all the Nobel yi pumoye guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners of ’em all, but I declined, on the — that it wood nate- rally cause a most enormous emount of fe y, and was of too deli- eat and xquisit a natur to be thus publicly discussed. was werry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed in 4 them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with which they was served, not out so © as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed. We the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin the gentlemanly Manager of the truly “Grand,” as e - y knows werry ewiden Y is anybody, and drank to their great saccess, for reesons. Young Franx returned thanks for the i with all the reckless ordassity of a youn feller of f phe y enuff to say, as how as he werrily beliey tbat ithe riage Hotel Keepers was to hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, F ) us us, woud have to go and git our manly employment ! fe Colts forgave him, more specially as he stands deltion L alone om oo pee oe made u ners singing wi cay voice, Robert the Waiter,” bei ary ow against | ture—including works by _ Brown wound up the armony of our truly appy heaven singing his new song of, '* The Loup Mans leads a life, we our seweral nupshkal couches as ond coma his Lordship hisself, our werry ink all round being to f sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman : as & i and may they Ya kind 1 their- the City Livvery | W. I} of a Christmas dinner, and, but for “ sweetbread cutl in this grand old London of ours poor and needy so badly Ro OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. P Ma. Jerome K. Jenoux, or, more easily ee ERKUM,”’ is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled Told . What he wants, that is, what he ought to have whether be. ” wants it or not, is judicious editing. i been a trie of it would have been pub- lished. ‘“* His style, in this book at sa of his Three N enin a Tub, suggests the } idea —— writing being by win ata he nares Tal ater Supper. 8 and admirers, has earned the reputation of being a ‘ deuced funn chap,’ and so has to struggle to live up to this reputation, or to live it down.” Jenumxy Jenvm still somewhat affects not, however, in so forced and 8 me wo 0 — oe _ in a Boat. - A. G um: ut their setting is unworthy of them. introduced into a tale as Dicuxss of whose style there is « palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy win night) brought in his story of Zom Smart, and of the inimitable Gabriel Grub, their mirth-raising value would have been consider- ably enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels—sandwich’d in between heavy slabs of doughy material—stand a chance of not tasted. To anyone who comes across the book the ree “read about the Curate and the Card-trick, and JoHnson Emity. The tinted paper on which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish illustrations.” Womuan—not “‘ lovely woman” who “‘ stoops to folly ”—nor woman who in our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But oman, the weekly Woman who is doing un monly well and in her fifty-third number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea a very good and simple dinner it was. The same Woman at also, among a variety of next-day’s treatments of Turkey, key in Aspic, Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia—yes—but what about “ Turkey in Aspic”? It doesn’t look well; much better in French. But we dare say it’s very good, though, for breakfast cr supper, “* devilled Turkey” is ‘‘ hard to beat.” ci / I have been trying to read Leten Hunt. His Biography inte- rested me muchly, a 9 had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings, pany os I do not . Temember ever having heard \\ the titles of his works men- . tioned, that, when a neat- looking volume was sent me Messrs. Paterson & Co. Gaetek pub sive an great from their perusal. Alas! | the pleasure was only in R anticipation. I have tried, the song says, “‘ A little here, ae little bit there— Here a bit, There a bit, And every- where a bit,””—but, hang me, says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of The matter doesn’t interest me, and the style doesn’t fascinate me. This es rank heresy, but I can’t help it. I have tried, and failed. ell, better to have tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan’t try again,—at least, not on this collection of Tales. Baroy DE Boox-Worms. \ FF nth Goblins. Pars apour Picrores.—A collection of pictures and seulp- essrs. Burng-Jon Onstow Forp, W. L. Write, and others—is on view at the , Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for amily of R, A. Lepwanp, the clever , who died only a few weeks ago. Lots more to say, bu you won’t stand it, and will probably say, ‘‘ Par! si béte!” no more at present from yours par-entally, Par, ALFRED GILBERT the benefit of the Lugar, anp Ecciesiasticat Derintrion.—A Sheriff's Officer: a Writ-ualist.

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January 3, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A FORECAST FOR 1891. (Being some Extracts from the Gloomy Outlooker's Diary.) } j — = | / ie | aie Old Sol. “ Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!” Mr. P. “ Yope we shall see something more of you in future !”’ January.—Continuation of *' good old-fashioned winter.” London - ion by Hansomn drawn by four drayhorses, Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15s. Milk, 10s. the half-pint, meat Cy eegeay = Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out Helgravie burn their banisters for want of the Guards, People in coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35. February.—Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis makes Sir Epwakrp WaArkIN fe his line through Lords, crosses Regent’s Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large — toon in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a | mile in Pi A March.—Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played | at the Oval between the Jaw gry py and the Spine Cracking | Wanderers, in which nine are left on the field, and fifteen are | carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital. April.—Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire brigade getting entangled im them in their efforts to extinguish the illed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the flames, are kill holders of shares, Ps he u Rane oA Ry: ~ Question pipches an acute stage. e ‘* Unem Other e's Property Rights League” bei tted on the back philanthropists, formulate their pro- pron Ba and seize the Stock Exchange and the Mansion House. P June.—The ‘‘ Capital and Labour” Question reaching a still acuter stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of England, and give a tothe Lonp Mayor and Corporation to celebrate the event, at Mr. Sheriff Aucustus Hazrzis, in return- thanks for the ‘‘ Arts and Sciences,” says he thinks ** the takings” hosts must have been ‘‘ enormous.” July.—Results of Gen. Boorn’s ‘‘ Darkest England” scheme. Triumphant return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed th immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to innings at ‘‘ the way out.” i pe undertaking, fire one of the hundved , fire one e hundred- t some oversight” being loaded, sends a shell into the City, which b down the dome of St. Paul’s, but, bursting itself, lays Chelsea in and causes the appearance of a in the * from Lord Groner Hamitron, saying that the matter will ep tk. pad yy = ” by his ent. Hotehki ith their exceed the wn that birds sell in whole of Scotland isjsaid to next seven years. several Peers take advantage of tour of their immediate neighbourhoods thereby realising a very handsome sum 5 ee ublic. ember. — signs of a probable second edition of a “ old-fashioned ” recognised, General panic in poe BA GMD, Weather at Green fermsinates in'glowmy despair EDWIN AND ANGELINA, (One More Version.) Dea» maz. Puncn,—l keg of sym fo Rens mae thle of wee, ar sege io seal ~~ ease pans ae te know ; ow Epwiy and m ve quarrelled parted, ‘Aud I om left to diel a tans end Weehen-hearted. We were en for eighteen months—he Would not be worth the living, if I would ould n e 4 not be his wife. " Y though brown, were “ blue” to him, my hair a “‘ silken tangle,” He’d given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle! I had called upon hie mother, and had often stayed to tea— t She said that Epwiw had, indeed, a lucky q! catch in me. I thought him quite a model youth—hard-working, loyal, steady, A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, ‘‘ Your own, own Eppy.”’ Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known Than when Epwiwn his darling Awox.ina his *‘ own own.” It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely, Yet 1 didn’t feel so happy, when it came to be, ‘* Yours only.” The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm, I tried, however, to believe it didn’t mean much harm ; So contident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever, But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, ‘* Yours ever.’’ He only called me darling once! how different from before! Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more) ? And was he tired of me—the girl he loved so fondly, y? It could not be! And then he wrote, ‘‘I am, Yours most sincerely.” Yes—was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove? You can’t do with Sincerity if what need is Love ! I could not think such ill of him, although it did look That in his next the ‘‘ most” was gone, and he was mine io even then I taped hice still, ie in the Y= 437 rings eternal, so I dared to hope on best ; And, after such things as these und ce oneden Todi oh The truth was clear—I guickiy sent his beet, His bangle, and his poetry of ee eae I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus And then I found out everything; alas! the So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know, You couldn’t get a better wife, no matter where you go. And if you know, oar 28, Punch, 8 MeQaSS, say youve seen 6 Nice girl, who’d make him happy and whose name 4 My ey queerly, ** sincerely.” ANGELINA, beneficent influence of the early coal dues—which have existed from the politan Improvements have to ignorant, but well- being abolished, up goes is no surplus for improvemen of any the | coal dues were consi ** Hard times, come again onee more!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Janvarr 3, 1891. Puli, UA = IAA ih ‘ . SI) “Wh rap ‘> i / Poipghh h Mare OW “II 't \ ny ‘Nt | " i \ lw, yaw s A gas oe ag | meters ge naa ap Gee" PRIG-STICKING. Little Prigson. ‘‘On! as vor GRiGSON, HE's DISTINCTLY THE MOST OBJECTIONABLE LirrLe Pric IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS Sutan's gurrs THe Nicest Grau I EvVgR mer.” Aunt Btiza, “Dean we! Wat swexroc Assertions! You migHT HAVE HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCePrION IN FAVOUR OF PRESENT Company /” Cousin Maud, ** Yes; ut porn Cases, you KyNow !” Under the Mistletoe Bough “A HAPPY NEW YEAR!” cae He never kissed maid, bat somehow . r Dickensish Season he seemed to divine Mr. Punch, loquitur :— With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine. A Harry New Year? I should think so, my boy, ~ : No, boy, I don’t tly believe in the birch, , Br ww in the arms ap ‘ a cheerily, (Though ae ae my bdton must play—on rogues’ shoulders.) idet Ath t a youngster she enjoy, Love’s rather too apt to be left in the lurch t least, oo eee most merrily. By Orbilian smiters and scolders. ee Se Under the Mistletoe Bough With a kiss f Mo th live that may de betra A kiss is best treatment, I trow. 1 sth @ kiss irom § lwoald = oan thet y, A salute from the lips of your Punch you’ ll not spurn,’ here's many & git greeted way And the young guests around you each take a turn. You're welcome, my lad! It is Punch’s old style The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear, To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers ; There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon, In winters of chill discontent he’|] still smile, Buat—well, you ’re a chubby and rosy Young Year, His warmth seems to turn ’em to Summers ! As ever your Puncny set eyes on. Under the Mistletoe Under the Mistletoe Bough All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow. You look mighty kissable—now. He doesn’t mix rue in his big New Year Bowl, So here goes another, for Toe like, my dear Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul. As we wish everybody A Happy New Year! Sursum corda! That motto’s the best of the bunch ; . Make it yout, yeans New Year, and ly- ap pour pecker,| Old Morality’s Christmas Card and New Year Wishes. iving way to ues, you may take it from Punch, Tuis communication is designed to convey the expression of the Never Tein he Meee eee wish that on the 25th of Decem x and proximate days you, and those You cannet de better, | vou not distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed Than make that same maxim your boyhood’s first rule, a season of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve As your very first tip in your very first school months, upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffased with C88. W. H. 8. Don't look like a , do I, my lad ? lenley-on- Thames, New Year's Eve, 1890, And indeed I _ Podageswe, dot. Paoum, Like him who made juvenile FLaccus so sad. Tue Perrecr Untow or Cucrcn anv Srare is exemplified in the How well the Venusian knows us! title and name of Bisnor Krve.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 3, 1891. oe J . an'yy fit . > . my ¢ \ _ ™ ' a db. TS yes ¢ , #7 Ds . 7) Me) ij My WY \Sae 4 t 7 EPP Bs a Hi. Uy ‘ 4 vw! | Ny : Rin WN x Yaa Ay = >s BMI : Ne . 4) ) RLNe. aah: \ QA WETS : i -_. AA ot WARN ’ ) —— AY { N OM i \) “A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

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Page 15

January 3, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 9

on in , ife ig ant before esterday. en if I trust @ ordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to select an appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture of a Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly res table appearance with a red-hot poker | If I get a representation of flowers, the p meld are ten to one that the accompanying lines are of a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to a recently-widowed Uncle some verses about ‘** Darby and Joan,” and my Mother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her a poetically ex that there is no plea- santer place her own home—away, of course, trom her Son-in-law! And yet these arethe problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer ateveryturn! I remain, my dear Mr. Punch, yours sincerely, Ong who WisHes TO avorp A Row. P.S.—If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the postal arrangements,

The United Service Diary for 1891. January to March.—8o Extremes Meet. at play (ditto), vil Servants away (ditto). October to .—Boldiers on leave. Sailors at sea, Civil Servants reading the | morning paper,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jasvary 3, 1891. FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.

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Jaxvary 3, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. il IN THE LATEST STYLE. PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET. Were turned ext fs Ab galt Ont ym (By Our Intrepid Interviewer.) Puy ge gee S But at this point I was assisted to take Frxiixe that your ? ge my leave with so much abruptness, that | we 2 : was forced to leave my last question but par- tially formulated. On finding myself once more in street, I noticed that I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however, my hat was thrown after me. POLITICS UP TO DATE. (Specimen Leader from an Irish Paper in a Chronic State of Revolution.) _ Wepwxspay, 9 4.m.— We appear ‘his morn- ing awaiting the future with confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may arrive when this policy may be reversed. The may come—— _ 104.m.—It has! We have much pleasure in our readers that, after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we have conquered. This is in our hands, and henceforward we « su . , to the best of our ability, the Leader of the HAMLET AS HE REALLY OvouT TO BB, Party, and denounce the infamous pretensions ACCORDING TO SHAKSPEARE. of his eqpenente Fre oe pH ee » , A on ignore possi 8 t ture. 6 O that this too too solid flesh would melt! may be overpowered by a tyrannical majority. Note.—Shakespeare was the originator of the | The time may come—— | wsthetic expression “ Too, too,’’ 11 a.m.—It has! Hurroo! It was hard _— 1 fighting to get beck; . but here we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents. or the moment we are vic- torious, but who shell poouneny what may be ooming in the distant ages?’ The hour may come—— 12 Noow.—It has! And now that we bave again taken possession, we must say we have never had so elegant a a The e- s were flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions, end the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves bis triumph, and his oppo- nents are nowhere. ill in the moment of = it When the incident is alleged i a i 1 i Fs af i f ; : Ae He BEERS : ] He i HE: aL vietory, it would be foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. Queen. “ He’s fat, and scant of breath, The hour may come—— Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows.” lpm.—It hes! Be $$$ — jabors, what 0 con- would do anything open to censure at the | test! But we have just slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight I 2 moralist, is absolutely incredible. Why, he entirely! How the ink-pots flew about! Easy now, let us to busi- is ness. The shorter we make our remarks the , a6 DO one can “*Bo I have heard ; and, now, Mr. Coss, as I see that you have | say what will be ing hereafter. hour may come—— finished your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question.| 2 P.mu.—It has! ith a vengeance! We have defeated them ! Is it true that you poisoned your , drowned your uncle, | Hurroo, boys! This isnot the time for composition! Tread on the tail fled your niece, and brother-in-law ?” | of my—we mean—our coat! Come on, ye dirty spa)peens! Hurroo! The Arctic angrily at his moustache, and said | [ Publication suspended until someone can be found—not other- something about to which I referred being exaggerated. | wise engaged—to write and print it, while someone else starts “* And may I take it you have never been in gaol for picking | a rival and “‘ suppressed” edition.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 3, 1891. fast, a railway indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure to go with howls not to say shrieks. Penn died on the 30th, and in i Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This an- nouncement is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be tolerated in a coach. A t.—On the Ist, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically how many slayes (be they husbands or be they wives now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the . Opportunity for saying (at the break t school) that on account of the warm reception to which the French were w on that occasion, the vietory might be appro- priately called, ‘‘the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy.” will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living i” Reptember—On the lst, Shooting at Partridges er,—On e ist, 00' a! com- mences. Op ity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. Oa the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825—the name of GrrraRD entombed in Hals-bury. A little | obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply ines time and attention. On the 9th Tuomas Wartrs (who may be amusingly called ‘* Watts-his-name’’), died in 1869. Not much in this, but my possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady’s initial hospitality at five o’clock tea. October.—Fretpine, the novelist, bowled out on the 8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th—an awful example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story about the THE AMUSING RATTLE’S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891. January.—If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QuEEW was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the Opposition tried to Ainder her from assuming the title. Work this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can’t be given away if only /ent. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o’clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow “‘a fit of the | gl On the 13th Prrr hg a) 14th - | oy , me = ate gestive of Prrr, the second of pity. jo or Midlands Put it down to SuEnrpay. February.— On the 3rd Lord Satispvny born on St. Blaise’s festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This said with a sneer, shou'd go splendidly at a second-rate Radical luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary missive, say it is less suggestive of Valentine than Orson. This capital jest should make you aw guest in places where they laugh until the end of the month. March.—Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you take care to pronounce the vi A-book-er, you may pos- sibly get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the turf, when you can call it ‘‘ the defeat of A-book-er.” Good at a hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe “* 1801 ?—the year of my birth!” 5; y 1? 3ismaRck was born on the Ist, so it can't be “All Fools’ Day.” Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the 7imes. - May.—You may say of the Ist, if it is cold, that it isa ‘* date.” If you are asked for a reason for this ‘ i explain that you meant a ‘* Connaughty date, for it is P ARTHUR'S Birthday.” The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, Grist the celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles | Grand from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps venture something about the notes of this far-famed arti i like “‘ lubricated lightning” for evident reasons, but you must not —e any ewe to laugh. , ‘une.—The name of this month may ant oe to a joke here and there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen’s Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the ‘* remarkable days” are few and far between, aceording to WHITAKER. July.—Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is also the anniversary of the Battle o wa. If ronounce the victory ‘‘ sad-hour” you should get a jest caloulated to cause merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert islands. or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks, On the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although ciate boon it was only a dght relief. If you can only introduce this really clever bon mot into a que howling break- , Cockney who, dropping his “‘h’s,” shot peasants instead ! This well-worn jest will be stilt found attractive by Australians who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush. November.—Good ; joke still to be made Wy in the quieter sub- J Lf urbs about having special appoint- ments for the 5th, when one has to take the bef ata — ing which perambu- lates the streets. Lord Mayor’s Day on the 9th—oppor- tunity for letting off ‘‘the Mayor the merrier,” ** £10,000 a yy a - .” &e., &e. Jests sbont the fog not now popular — the infliction i too larity ! December.—Holi- day time for every- one, inclusive of o pest melee y of persons ‘*‘ the funny man.” Bor Lows (born in 1811) reaches the age of ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; eighty, off" the Man 0% VS8Y MUCH TAKEN CUM (Connzy) Grain O! (born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing artist being | Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year AprropriaTe.—Sir,— Was there ever a more appropriate Christ- mas legal case than appeared in the Times Law Report, December 20th, and which was entitled “‘ The Mayor. §. of Bootle-cum- Linacre v. The Justices of Lancashire?” What delightful names for a comic chorus te a Bab Ballad in a Pantomime. Solo, Oh, did ye ne’er hear of His Worship the Mayor Chorus. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum. ; Solo, Who went for the Justices of Lank » Chorus. Singing Bootle-cum- Linacre diddle-cum-dee. Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be gerviceable at Music Halls and ‘‘ places where they sing.” public, an CAUT PREP, 0 ta: mending states tha ¢}> NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Dra or Pictures of any description, will Addressed En im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and there will be no exception. Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule be used u1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jasvany 3, 1891. = public, and commands success. public, and yet not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, employed in an original channel, could not fail to secure reputation and profit.” CAUTION.—Ezamine each Bottle, and see that the Capmule ie marked ENO’S “ FRUIT SALT.” “Who are the Happy, who are the Free ? YOU TELL ME, AND I’LL TELL THEE. Those who have tongues that never lle, Truth on the lip, truth in the eye; To Friend or to Foe, To all above, and to all below, THESE ARE THE HAPPY, THESE ARE THE FREE. SO MAY IT BE WITH THEE AND ME.” What higher aim can man attain than | conquest over human paia ? DRAWING AN OVERDRAFT ON THE BANE OF LIFE. Late Hours, Fagged, Unnatural Excitement, Breathing Impure Air, too Rich Food, Alcoholic Drink, Gouty, Rheumatic, and other Blood: Poisons, Fevers, Feverish Colds, Sleeplessness, Biliousness, Sick Headache, Skin Eruptions, Pimples on the Face, Want of Appetite, Sourness of Stomach, &c. It prevents Diarrhw@a, and removes it in the early stages. USE ENO’S “FRUIT SALT.” IT 18 PLEASANT, COOLING, HEALTH-GIVING, REFRESHING, AND INVIGORATING. YOU CANNOT OVERSTATE rg & GREAT VALUE IN K®EPING THE BLOOD PURE AND FREE FROM DISEASE. pleased to record my knowledge of the great efficacy of A friend of mine, who had three grandchildres went dcses, with the result that all th « Dear S1s,—I am very our ‘FRUIT SALT’ in ension aid up with this complaint, administered f req — children pulled through wonderfully in a short time, for which the mother was excocr R ‘ AY 3 i \ Wii! yt ingly grateful, thanks to you. For myself ani family, your ‘FRUIT SAL i is on universal remedy. Bordering on years as I am,I find a bottle of KNO’S ‘FRUIT! SALT’ and a few of ENO’S ‘ VEGETABLE motos’ the boon in the up-hi battle — this life. lam, ir, yours wre “J. C. Exo, October, 1890, ‘A Orry May.’ HE SECRET OF SUCCESS.—STERLING ay of PURPOSE; WITHOUT it LIFE is a SHAM!”"—“ A new invention is brought before the A score of abominable imitations are immediately introduced by the unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely enough to deceive tho ADAMS. Without it, you have been imposed on by a worthless imitation. Sold by ali Chemists. PREPARED _ONLY AT ENO'S “FRUIT SALT” _WORKS, LONDON, S.E., BY J, C. ENO’S PATENT, CURIOUS OLD HGHLAND WHIKIES Price per dos. 48/- 60/- 72/- 120/- An eminent Medical Authority, in reoom- mending the moderate use of Whisky, states that on no account should Whisky be used unless it is well matured. Detailed List on application to MOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. Whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. UAM-VAR WHISKY. THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. USED IN THE PALACE AND THE SHIELING. THE BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards, Recommended by the Medical Faculty. INNES & GRIEVE, EDINBURGH and LOWDON. OLD IRISH WHISKY. CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY, Gold ld Medals, JOSEPH GILLOTT’S PENS. 1889. Paris, , 1878: HOWARD BEDFORD Numbers with exquisitely Fine Points, for ARCHITEOTS, a. wes and DRAUGHTSMEN—170, c179, 291, 303, 431, 659, 1000 PLOUGHS| THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY Contains no Sugar. 1s not stored in Sherry Caske. Tor DIABETES, GOUT, & KIDNEY COMPLAINTS. “ Certainly seems to deserve its name.”—Lascer. | 44s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. GEO. BACK & CO., Devonshire Square, London. J. EXSHAW & C0.S ada ay OLD BRANDY. Cases as imported. T. W. Secckaoat a +s 23, Regent Street, W. CORRY & CO0.’S Bead BELFAST (The Original.) GINGER CORRY & CO.'S Pure Gold Medal Keverages, prepared from the waters of the cel- brated Cromac a « 2 Lim., aan Craven Rd., rast | GOLDEN Ha HAIR a UREOL fold by Perfum the World, agents: B. HOVENDEN & SONG, Lowpos. | COLT'S LIGHTNING MAGAZINE RIFLES, ASK YOUR BOOTMAKER FOR THEWESTMINSTER Regd. TRADE MARK. 10 SAVE THE TESTH, USE DAILY THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER Beautifies and Preserves the Teern Im parts a Sweet Fragrance to the Naeata Is Cooling and Kefreshing to the Mourn. And takes away emell of Tonaceo. N.B.—The success of this Se first liquid Dentifrice made In En-land has to ma rove THE free, from 6%, HOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. - at temperature of Bethe ampsteast at Kath the Komens in the First ee ett known as being most be = = e im eases oan Mheumatiom, Gout, snd Skin Affections, The Corporation of Hath have reventiy sales and perfected the Kathe at creat expenre In the Ly Si of one of the greatest Hygienic TRS she THY MOET COMPLETE Ix Eenors, Band Deliy tn the Pump-Koow. Letters to the Manager ba, FL attention and every HORSE CLOTHING AND RUGS. wW Designs and Patterns, Perfect 0t Ali Woot Wine for "Patterne (sent post free) to the Wrernon Lary Wootters Co... Kenpit. London Agency ‘o Horse Clothing. 13, Berkeley Strevt, Pioeeditiy. W THE AUROPHONE. THE DEAF MAY HEAR. 7*5 sear las peat Seientific Invention actice, are un urpasset - | eee! ge Ad Ay : ie bce LA in the ear unequall 7 yo nserted or aawe LVERS wi Saye _uaie iid Savane why 5 Sg BOOT. 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Page 20

“ ee be al Nid ee a” od = ae Pes eee on ’ = » 5 Aad niystn se i 1 as “ SAMUEL BROTHERS. "( meerer virus.” Yours . Evewime Daves For PLEASURE and PROFIT. | FRUIT Fothing so Profitable and Basy to Crow. 74 ACRES IN STOCK. CATALOGUE for Simple Inetructions and hinds of Faas to sult all Solis ROSES 20 ACRES BUSHES, 8s. per doz.; 60s. per 100 Standards, Zis. per doz. ; 40s. per 160. (Our se.ection). Packing end Carriage Free for Cash with order. BOSES IN POTS, from 16+. per doz, ORNAMENTAL TREES 91 ACKES. FOUR ACRES OF GLASS CLEMATIS (90.070), ifs, Me., and Me. per dos SBEKDS AND BULRS— Vroutasis, F.iowea, ann oau = Descriptive Lists Free RICHARD SMITH & €O., Worcester. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Janvaay 3, 1891. SCHOOL OUTFITS. v thosest stten ROTHEKS, with the result of their business ~- wh yo so eos —. tally met, and darablo oullibenee ——* CATALOGUE AND PATTERNS FREE. RESS. — This Jacket is pow he acer form of “ kvening Dress” for Youths whet have outerown the “ + ton" Jacket, aad have not yet adopted a“ Drees” Coat The materials used are fine Black Twills, Plastics, éc., and the Roll Collar is covered with rich Corded silk or Satin, Merchant Tailors and Juven'le Outiitters, 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, London, B.C. orkshops : ~_ —j- Ladgate Hill; "i 46. Gray's Inn Road. “ Epixsono.” * Nonrorn.” f “ Patonron.”” a, “ Ero~.* “For an Pasy, nd Perfect Shave, uve “HEAVIEST POSSIKLE PLATING. | ARBENZ’S celebrated “Mandarin RAZORS, ran changeable Blades. They are =. best, most ve iable, en 4 cheapest h h-clase Razors | rown. and innu- ered" ~) aes oe i a4 ask FoR MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE, (Maep.) “HIGUEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” ‘e | thom) prove shaving with them to be “ Most comfortabie, arkab! | that they give natisiaction where the most expensive Kazors, have failed Prices— | és. 84. for one, &. the set of 4. Ile. 4. L ag of 7; | Matera Mtades. le, %d. rach; Fixed Blade. each May be had of re«pectabie Dealers. a Fy Agent:, or diect from the maker. P A. ARBENZ 107. Or. Cusaces Sr., Prawrwoman. MADE WITH BOILING WATER. EPPS‘ s “UNEQUALLED FORK HARD WEAR.” LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. The Original and Genuine ‘* Worcestershire Sauce.” For HOT and COLD MEATS, LF GRAVIES, SALADS, SOUPS, WELSH CRATEFUL—COMFORTING, COCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK. | OF ALL DEALERS. with inferior makes. WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. Be sure and ask for GRANT'S, and don't be put of RAREBITS, &c., &c. LarBenis Signatuie is on “aS dent vi the Genuine and Original. —- — CLARKE’S PATENT “PYRAMID” LICHTS. The “ Burglar’s Horror.” THE SHADED PART REPRESENTS THE PLASTER FIRE-PROOF CASE, Single Wicks burn 9 hours each, :n Boxes containing 8 lights, 8jd. per Box. CAUTION. TO PREVENT BURGLARIES.—A“ Night Light should be lighted in the front and back of every house as soon as itis dark. House- breakers have the greatest dread of a light. Night Light as Almost all the burglaries | Police recommend «a “ Pyramid” the best safeguard. rpetrated might have been prevented, and much VALUABLE PROPERTY SAVED, if this simple and inexpensive plan had always ‘been adopted. = Lights are much larger 7 - 3 IGHT SY common nigbt lights, and are therefore particular! -~y-x Patent The “ Pyramid” N and give DOUBLE for this purpose. Manufactared in proof Plaster Cases. No Zosuns material used in their mam “PYRAMID” & “FAIRY” LIGHT WORKS, LONDON, 0.W.; Show Room: 31, ELY PLACE, HOLBORN. And 484, COLLINS STREET, MELBOURNE paraffin or other dan- ufacture. GLARKE’S PATENT LIGHTS. Trade Mark—FAIRY. Majesty the Queen. The | ls. per Box, containing 6 Double-Wick “ Fairy” - and glass for burning in. Burn 10 hours eac CLARKE’S PATENT “FAIRY” CARS, for Decerative Lighting, Ball and Drawing Booms, &c., &c. Sold by sll respectable Dealers. CLARKE’S NEWLY-DESICNED ‘‘ PYRAMID” KURSERY LAMP FOOD WARMER, with NEW REGISTERED PANNIKIN. 2s. 6d., 3s. Gd., 5s , and 6s. each. The “‘Praawip” Foop Washnan by their liar construction—the glass chimney conducting end concentrating heat to the bottom of the water vessel—a larger amount of tient and agat is obtained than can be had in oe oot Sayeed same class. Without smoxe or smzL IMPROVED PANNIKINS (Rocsumuen) for use with Crarxce’s “‘Prsamip” Nuasexy Laur.— By this invention any liquid food can be poured cut, or drunk, without scum or grease sing through the spout, and prevents spilling when poured into a Feeding Bottle, so unavoidable with al other Pannikins. OF an Pannikins will fit all Priated by William a. Smith, of No. 90 Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of 8t. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of oirect, la Ube Piecings of White(riars, in the Messrs. Bradbury, A City of London, and Published by him at No. 64, Fleet 5 Suess, in the Pariah of Dt Brides Clty of Londen.—Sazenses, denuary 8 lati, gnew, & Co., Limited, PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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BURNAND|HAPPY THOUGHTS. Burma, These volumes of | Mr. VOLUMES.| OUITE AT HOME. shouldbe found in the library Price &/- each, ATHER AT SEA. are bright, genial, “and. whole wustare. |WERY MUCH ABROAD, | Mitmtone Ske”

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sy 53 "gs igi ea Se SR RE ale iat i. NEW STORY BY THE AUTHOR OF “MICAH CLARKE.” Morice —A New serial Story, entitied, THE WHITE COMPANY, A. CONAN DOYLE. Author of “ Miceh *,” &¢., ls commences & the Jancaat Nam ber of the “CORNHILL MAGAZINE.” Leadon: Sarre, Piven, & Co, 16, Waterloo Plece Now ready (Sixpence) New Series, No #1 fe CORNHILL MAGAZINE ine JANUARY containing “ The White pany,” by A. Conan Dorie, Author of “ Micah ye hope. I. te 'V.—* Winter on Exmoor” — “A Pompeii i Bohemia” ‘A Military Inei- dent’ A Seoret Religion *~—‘' Curiosities of Gaming” —* Right Days,” by the Author of “ The Touchstone of Peril,” (haps. 19 to 21

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oe Fr —~ eee. (Ce " @seaeFia “oF January 10, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 13 any MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. No, X.—THE FONDMAN, (By Catuzep ABEL, Author of ‘‘ The Teamster.”) [The eminent Author writes to us as follows:—‘ How’s this fora ? Do you know what a Saga is? Nor do I, but this is one in spite of what y may say. History be blowed! Who cares about history? Mix up passions. Then you'll geta you heartless Governors, and wi can put in some Northern and brothers ? that you can write a an Epilogue. must have absolutely nothing to do with the a your dates and your inciden ot with any amount of simple human | roem and story, but about Manomaur (by the way, I’ve written a play about him) which are bound to tell, though, of course, you were not ‘- to tell a. Ha, ha! = ——— ae and i wers emotions, and sulphur-mines, an semen axed Read on, my bonny boy. Vous m’en direz des nowvelles, but don’t call this a novel. It’s a right-down regular Saga.”—C. A.) THE BOOK OF STIFFUN ORRORS. Cuaprer I, Srivrus Orrors was a gigantic fair-haired man, whose muscles wore ie the peest ule anal neat of a eee. by a man possesses that particular shape of muscle be is sure a hard nut to crack. And so and with onearm ; then, one Se sound Eis heed pad aieien the other round his he _ planted his head in his and crushing his ribs with one a ee ee ing as with the hoofs of an ox, he fi him some two h away, and went and_ ~ : wh. \ on the ocean, but, like other pi he went to the bad once too often, and got broken on the rocks, came Kane Wang, and CHALsE, and Myicuresst, and they hymns to him. “ Ye’ve not lived a right life, ol ae. ** Now, by me sowl, ye’ve got to die,” sang another, ‘All flesh is as wd mn third. Suddeniy Fasow stood beside his bedside. ‘‘ This,” he thought, ‘‘is my father. I must kill him.” But he restrained himself by a superhuman effort—and that was the end of Oxxors, THE BOOK OF MICHAEL MOONKEYS, Cuaprer III, Micuart and Fason were both the sons of Ornnors. They were both Homeric, and both fell in love with Grexna, who fli out- rageously with both. These coincidences are absolutely essential in followed, spurred b blind feal of revenge. About this wed, 6 a t this ti Mrs. Farsisrer took a dislike to her husband. i a “ Crinkum, crankum !” she said, “you'd have me toil and moil while you pat your nose at the fire,” **Roru,” said ADAM. “ Hoity toity!” cried she. ‘‘ The house is mine. Away with you!” ier old Apa also So set out for boatmen cried after him, ‘‘ Dy banne jee oo!” and he imme- = diately P sansa as you shall hear. REEBA’S six brothers o* ae a REYKYA ~~ 4 | \. packed up, and left for Reykja- vik ; onl’ now that = have Gt Ge cue qasneens sbtiy be mentioned, however, that Mrs, Apam found a fever in a neglected cattle-trough. Being ag woman, she caught it, took it home--and it killed her, Cuarrer IV, Rep Fason meant to Fill Micuart. That was plain. So he was tried by a Bishop and nine of his neighbours an hous she happened to men: Par- The Characters Personally-Conducted by the Author to Reykjavik. eeiven, spear open, ant RICKSEN, so he fled, cowed, humiliated, in hand, to Manxland, were Asner, Jacos, Jonn, Tuunstan, Srey, and Ross, but they but left to her her her liberator, Fason, so that she preferred addressing one another as JOBBEKNOWL, WAsTREL, might span her little of shame and pain on the bridge of (Gomenstanc, BiuspeRHEAD, NuMsKULL, and Braruensxire. It a own mg She if every yn Fon Pry - * — ne oe mate things pleasant all round. Rg oe quest rugged, celand, knew iw I wi is wile, an ere is no knowing m ve happen was a pretty trick. — \if Goreon Gorconsen, at the head of some ish soldiers, had |not upset the Republic, and banished Micuaxt to the sulphur- mines to join his brother. THE BOOK OF RED FASON, Carter V. Poor Apa arrived too late, yet he has his use in the tale, his words to Gorcon GorconsEn were bitter as eruel old Governor liked not. And he harried him, and worried him, but without avail, for in Rerkiovs money was justice, re gh up ou e was | marketable commodity in kjavik, as Apam found to his q Pye - “thet the xt of this Saga, had it is ne there been a next, would have found all Tag wt A. the Isle of Man. For ing i surely established than this: sgl ee PL e an, - compliment by going to laden. And thus are Sagas constructed. And this is the End. : i 5 : : £

Page 24

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR IVARI. (January 10, 1891. LAUNCE IN LONDON. (Shakspeare adapted to the situation.) Enter Launce with his dog. Launce. When a poor man’s cur shall cost him ‘some thirteen shillings Lyd within the year, look you. it goes hard ; yh, Ao up as a SN ag! i i. a mongrel litter that I saved or four of his blind, breedless a and sisters pa to it. Verily I will write to the Standard thereanent. ~~ e ome wy ig under new order, two shillings and six , 3 m—engraving collar, under new order, one shilling and sixpence; item ane seven shillings and sixpence ; total, thirteen and sixpence, as aforesai Truly a poor man feeleth an amount like this, and hath to deny himself some necessary to preserve his affectionate companion, to wit, his . I have ta a A would say, precisely, ‘thus I teach a os O ’tis of a foul thing when a dog cannot Keop himself te all com- alt Kt, panies, but must grub - rig ob in the gutter, and yep at constables’ kibes! I would have, as one should one that takes upon himself to be a dog indeed, tobe, a “A Poon MAN FEELS AN AMOUNT LIKE THIS, AND HAS TO DENY HIMSELF SOME it were, a dog at all things. And art thou so, Cr NSOESSARY TO PRESERVE HIS AFFECTIONATE COMPANION, THE Dog,” Bat verliy ’tis I who have tenet thee, that have i for thee ; and, whether thou art wholly worth the cost, concerns not thee, but thy master. Thou hast of late many enemies in seats of "fi oe, and elsewhere ; ministers, and scribes, and feeble folk in fidget ty fear of hypothetical hydrophoby. ‘* Out with the dog!” says one. ‘That cur looks mad!” says another; “Mazzle him!” siys the **Kaock ms him on the head with a constable’s staff!”

Page 25

January 10, 1891.] ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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me no more ado than whip me gone et to thee out of danger. thie Dor theie jw thee Nay, I’ll be paid the fines inflicted i by tes, Ww mann gh nD , thirteen and six out of m How many masters well: sworn I thy muzzle, otherwise

AUDITORS IN WONDERLAND. “Ir you please,” said the Auditor of the Tottenham School Board ncneent Wien Fe See ae Sw eo eee Ging be She you have got in your wg “With pleasure,” replied the White Knight, who had recently been elected as a Member of the Board. ‘“‘It’saTellurium.” “I see that it cost the ratepayers four pounds to buy. What is te. Yeo?” said the White Knight, in mild surprise, “Oh, it * Use i i i " it’s a most useful thing. A child who can’t think of the right answer to 4 about the only has to put this thing on its head— i —and it at once remembers all about

an tan tae thou hadst **Tt’s too ridiculous!” exclaimed the Auditor, little langh. “I declare a Hektograph would be children as this thing!” beating into a as useful for the * Would it?” ed the White Knight. work well? Then we’ll get one or two— - Does a Hektograph ** And I notice,” the Aud itor went on, ‘‘that there is a called a Cyclostyle put down in the accounts. Please will you te me — 0 penny is, and what use it is for purposes of elementary ucation ** With pleasure,” replied the White Knight, who seemed quite cheerful again; “it’s an tus for catching cycles, if any should take to going round the room when the children are at their lessons. It does it in style, you see,” ** But,” said the Auditor, “it’s not very likely that any cyclists Wepes cove fo weed Cee nein 2 8 ae eet er” : = v y, I daresa Knight answered, eagerly ; “but, if any do come, I don't intend that’ we shall be without « machine for catching them quickly. And the plan is my own YT shoula t was,” the Auditor observed. ‘I to “Is suppose it was, uditor o . “Tam sorry be obliged to disallow the costs of all these inventions, but the rate- payers must not be forced to pay for fads; and, as you take such an interest in them, I am sure you won't mind paying for them yourself. Good-day!”’ Heinrich Schliemann, (Bory, Janvany, 1822. Disp, Decemner 26, 1890 ) Hetxen, who fired the topmost towers of Troy, 8 German hould spare a smile for the North- Who, from a sketch of Ilium aflame, led so a .

Was fired with zeal whic ’T was a far cry from that small To Priam’s city ; but will fame. Pp Might well have windy cope This patient follower-up of ‘* The Heart's Hope! ”

Ph. << Fyn irom gl Peay pie my ay ibition a was a : ; Peet Where’ Old the Artiest of our Fine Arts’ Critics couldn’ Masters, indeed! it was a good Old Foggy that prevented him from

being in his place (and he knows his place too) on that occasion.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 10, 1891.

CHRISTMAS IN TWO PIECES.

4 4 ‘ iy 4 VAd hs as iN i | awtomime! Pantomime!! The only Davzio- Lawus, and the only Pantomime in the Tame West. Therefore, it is almost a duty, let alone a pleasure, on the part of Parents and ians to take young gentlemen from school, schools public and private, and the young ies freed awhile from their to see B. and the Beast at Drury Lane. “Is | it a good yp meg le ** That,” as . Hamlet once observed, though at that cular moment he was not thinking of Panto- mimes, nor even his own capital little drawing-room drama for distingui amateurs, entitled The Mousetrap, “ that is the question.” And Mr, Punch’s First Com- of Thea’ conscientiousl y good Pantomime.” urther by who “‘ want to know” as to whether it's the best Pantomime he ever saw, the First Commis- sioner answers, ‘‘ No, it is not Beauty and the Best,” and he is of ion that he must travel, in a train of thought on the line of M back to the Parwzs and the Voxesrs in the primest of their prime, if he recall two or three of the very best, mind you, the very best, Pantomimes ever seen in the Tame West. For real good rollicking fun, the Pantomimes at the and the Grecian used to be worth trouble of a pilgrimage ; but it was a trouble,

oe f "¢ 1 /

for the show used to commence early and end late, and indigestion was the consequence of a disturbed dinner and the unaccustomed heartiness of a most enjoyable supper. rury Lane Pantomime commences at 7°30, and is not over till 11°30, and

yet in these four hours rarely comes over you an —y +5 ex per when ballets are audience is expecting , and is ready to accept transition from one scene to another as a change for the better. Mr. Harry Nicnoiis thoroughly enjoyed this Pantomime, though he was net absolutely certain as to what might be the effect of ghosts and skeletons on his very little broth five er, aged were brought to see this show. an whi elongated aoa age seen these skeletons of whom two become Troubled Trots. and shouting, “‘ Give me another horse!” (there was only one in the nursery, and that was a towel-horse) but by putting my head under the bed-clothes and shivering with fear till my nurse returned from her supper. Such on me, your present brave First Commis- sioner of Theatres, was the effect of merely seeing the interior of the Blue Chamber in Skelt’s Scenes and Characters, with which I used to furnish my small theatre on the nursery table. Well, this is all private and personal, and not much about the Drury Lane Pantomime, it is true; but, as everyone will see “‘The Only Pantomime” (we have ed the era of the ‘“Onlys”), and be <a Se delighted, what need I say more than that the ddretto is written by Mr. Brtt-or-rue-pray YARDLEY con- jointly with Mr. Davrtotayvs Avctor, and I mes it was very witty and rhythmical and poetical, though didn’t — of it, ies m ither parti- cularly w , nor remar umorous,—one, intro- duced by Miss Vesta Try (and, therefore, for this our joint au are not msible, except for itting it distinet mi d utterly out e@ songs were nei to be done), being a distinct mistake, an ~~

Beeing the ’Mime, December 30; or, A Draught at Night. of , Spaneter with the rg , 5 e Prince, - bony =. whi was representing. apr songs, the music of this Pantomime lacks “ go.” Waowen borrowed from pantomime his notion of dramatic music to carry on the action and tell the story of serious opera; but we don’t want our Pantomimes to become Wagnerian ; or, at all events, as the lamented Groner Hoppmr would have said, “* ’s have plenty of the ‘ Wag,’ and none of the ‘ nerian.’” t he would have exactly meant by this nobody would have known, but everyone would have laughed, as he was one of those self-patented jesters at w witticisms the company laughed first and afterwards. DavRroLanvs sans, 8 onient on i tomime-pie and a Drama a’ et een aly a little one, perhaps, and not the thumb, with which Jonanwnes Honwentvus extracted the lum,—in the Christmas pie at the Pri of Wales's Theatre, of which the Manager is Honarrus Sxpoxnrvs.

Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, et et

-

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January 10, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. tutores, if you want to know what to take your little children, our children, your- your bigger obi ith be, would enjoy seeing, I say em reservation, or men . Mr. Sare’s speech as the Court there isn’t enough of it. A touch the sponse, 09 9 Setuaaay Punchikof in the Se- cond, Miss Empsie Bow- vols., { don’t remember which; but those OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. I rrrep Criss-Cross Lovers the other day, a Novel, in two or three in who are not choked off in the first hundred | uh ! E ea Fle ip i r rll bein was warned off the book seems to su ing in The Publishers’ name (BLackwoop ever, an invariable ome of ite EF e every pom an ast ” oe tell, went into the After a Design by Michael Angelo Titmarsh. of which sueces. the name of Bowman is of good almost a rhyme. The part of Prince Giglis, in the absence of Miss Viotet CAMERON, was sati ily rendered by Miss Florence DaRey. iss Maup Hoxtanp looked and acted ily as the Princess Angelica, and Madame kerayan in AMADI was quite her make-up as Countess Gruff . Miss Arrarre Ciarre entered fully inte the spirit of the i piece ; her rendering of a with the refrain ‘‘ Ah! well-a-day!” bei he deservedly I must not forget, indeed, I cannot forget, Mr. Lz Hay as Bulbo, who, not only on account of his make-up being an exact reproduc- tion of THACKERAY’S ee us as good a grotesque performance as I’ve seen for some considerable time. To see him on the ground after the fight, tearing his hair out in handfulls, is something that will shake the sides of the most sedate or biasé, and among the audience that will crowd to see this juvenile show, there will be very few sedate (I hope) and still fewer (I am sure) blae. It is an excellent at. But, my dear Mr. Canorvs Haris, one that capitally- and highly effective to be why did you not carry it a e Bulbo on the point of kneeling down, and the eet Se Co ae, oes On, ee oe oe ike the present winter, is ‘‘ critical,”—then, I say, the Princess with the reprieve? As it is, the effect of this dramatically F mages scene is by the absence of action, and Bulbo is off the scaffold ere the majority of the audience realise the ois ee must not forget arm c appearing e time as i isin iers, who will be the source of ages, from “little Trots”’ _ Piece ay — amuse young le for whom **all concerned tn this ” excellent burlesque axe moment which, ono as tel tae oe a primarily {¢ was written, Let piece of Christmas merriment accept the congratulations and best for crowded houses—which they are sure to be for all the or Matineés—trom theirs truly, Mr. P.’s Fresr Commrssrowen. Great Disappornrment.—Sir Francis Sanprorp has created a profound feeling of di all classes of society by not having added, * » to his title. ** Lord SanDFORD OF Sanprorp” is weak; but ‘‘ Lord Sawprorp-anp-Menton” would have been truly noble. - repl he Sm JuLian Pauncerore’s point o’ this here obserwation Cuttle adapted.) to President Brame: ‘ The the Behring of it.” (Captain tl; d omen: and this is | ;}} is Wicxe’s first work before) he should go on umina’ is ** What shall we play at, and how shall we tory answer to these two questions, time, will be found in Professor Horrmann’s ~ and Table Games, } wae mes, by RouTLencE. the mysteries of ** Go- ” “ Reverse,”—and after | latter, you, if Nature has blessed you with a tuneful voice, able to sing with Groner Grossmitn (if he’ll let you), ‘ See me Reverse.” The motto for the Protessor’s book have been the emphatic exclamation of the street Arab, Wes 4 e! such games!” ‘his is the sixth year of Hazell’s Annual. hatever informa- tion you require it will be difficult not to find in Hazell, clearly and not at all Hazelly expressed. A youthful friend whose pun, says the Baron, I hereby nail to the counter, on seei k on my desk observed, ‘‘ Yes, I’m nuts on Hazeuu.”’ e Baron frowned, and the youth withered away, as ALice did—not the one who went to Wonderland, but an elder Aticz, whom our old friend ‘“‘ Ben Borr”’ remembers. Sampson Low, & Co. publish ** Wild Life on a Tidal Water,” by P. H. Emerson, who gives the adventures of a house-boat and her crew on Breydon Water in Norfolk; the photo-etchings are by Emerson and Goopatt, ‘‘and therefore,” says the Baron, ‘All-good.” Look intoHarper’s for January; am the listen to M. pg Biowrrz arping on the ean 4 ane ; and, his talent having served him to a pretty tune, ’tis w should harp on it in Harper’s. The Baron hopes that M. pz B. has spent a Harpy Christmas. Allow the B. pz B.-W. to draw his friends’ attention to ‘‘ A Military Incident,” and two other short , in The Cornhill. Baron dE Boox- Worms. P.S8.—The Baron says he is not going to be let in for a disquisition on the merits of various Pocket-books ; but, if asked which he affec- tionates most as a genuine book of pockets, and for pockets, puts his finger to the side of his nose, wisely replies—‘* Walker.’ Survival of the Fittest. (At a Trial for Murder.) On, dainty product of the March of Oh, glorious outcome of the Course of Time,— The watchful, well-attired Old Bailey ogress, Still finding sweetest stimulus in—Crime ! SxasowaBLe GaeeTine ror Sprarrvalists.—I wish you a rappy New Year!

Page 28

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jaxvary 10, 1891. METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES. “ ‘i LA 1 ny | ee ’ 1 f A Ad ‘ Tht f y/ fie; 4 I | at to ’ Wi didi Tax Party THaT wsver says, “ Taanx you }” | Wuew you opzen THe Door, sHuT THE WINDOW, OR GIVE UP YouR SEAT FOR HER, Tae PARTY THAT ALWAYs says, ‘'Taanxk you!” BUMBLE AT HOME; Or, Taz Wrivtrer or Ovr Discontent, “ Notwithstanding the most superlative, and, I may say, supernat’ral exer- tions on the part of this parish,” said Bompis, “we have not been able to— do anythink .""—Oliver Twist. Mr. Bumble, loquitur : — Gr-r-r-r!!! Old-fashioned Winter, indeed! Well, I ope them as talks on it relishes it ! I : The City seems give up to snow; which I can’t say it greatly em- bellishes it. . . But, really, of all the dashed imperence,—s’posing of course as they meant it, The greatest is that of the Papers appealing to Me to pervent it! Ah! it’s a hinsolent Hage, and without no respect for Autho- rity. The ~ of them demmycrat ’owlers is all for low In-fe-ri-or-ity. Things is about bottom uppards, as far as I judges, ady, And if the porochial dignity’s floored, what «s left to steady ? Prozressists, indeed! Ah, I'd “‘ progress” ’em, pack o’ perposterous A regular pollyglot lot, breeding strife ’twixt the classes and masses. The masses is muck; that’s my motter, as who should have learnt it more betterer Bumsce could hopen the heyes of them Booruszs, Jon» Buanazs, ancetterer. Gese? Is it me brings the snow, and the hice, and the peasoupy Making the subbubs one slough? No! The Age is give over to Parties as writes to the Papers is snivellers, yus, one of ’em, Barring the few as cracks jokes, though I own as I can’t see the ter, stand | But, ‘cording to ‘‘ Ssowsounn,” their style of snow-clearing beats Look at ‘‘ Ucateeor,” now, him as writes to a cheap daily journal, Along Se **’Orrors of ’Ampstead,”’ as he calls hy—wot’s it?— iT) y rnal,”’ (Wotever pat crack jaw may mean) or that fellow, “‘ Inrexrx Tar” — blow i Sech names you can’t write nor yet spell, if you’re not a School Board or a Poet. Talks of our “‘ hard hide,” does ‘‘ Iwrzetix,” I'd like to lay hands upon hisn All becos Upper ’Ampstead, it seems, is a sort of a dark ice-bound No ‘— no trams, and no cabs, no grub, and no gas, and no water! Ha! ha! Pooty picter it is, and thanks be I don’t dwell in that r! But rae to do with poor Me? If he wants it himproved he had ng pee County-Councillor coves, not come wallopping into the Wot use, too, to talk of Wienna? Don’t know where that is, and "t wan ourn in a canter. Ratepayers’ Defencers may rave, and the scribblers may scold or talk funny, Bat clean streets in Winter mean this,—you must plank down a dollup more money ! Me up and be doing meanwhile? No, not if I jolly well knows it. I my own fireside too well to go snow- ing, don’t you suppose it. A choice between slither and slush may come ’ard on the Mighty But Westry ain’t on the job, ’owsomever they worry and wallop us. Bless yer, we ‘ve stood it before, and can stand it all this fussing. My game’s » swig and s smoke ; as for them can go on “‘ dis- (T68T ‘Aswnune puv ‘ogst ‘1g «49qusoeq ) fan of ’em. cussing.” [ Shuts door, and retires to his enuggery for spirituous solace.

Page 29

(I68T ‘Asvnune pup ‘o6sl ‘1g 49gueoeq ) «ll ZI MONM I dI LON | HOO—d VAHLVAM ATISVAA HOOS NI GNV—iSLaGals FHL UVATO» «LNALNOOSIG UO JO UALNIM FHL, “YO *ANOH LV WIANond Z ZA” ee eeZZZ \\ \ | N al _ — a —- itt i mM | | \\ } “_ x aS aa ‘1681 ‘OL A4vaNv¢—THVAIMVHO NOGNOI GZHL 4O “HONDd

Page 30

' se ee ee ee — as toa =~ 4 = -—_ ~~ a oy UY wera” | el ae Qo var 5 ee ee ae a ere ——_ e -2 a a en oy ee 8 ee A! eee

Page 31

January 10, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE COMPOSER COMING. We are looking forward to Ivanhoe, by Sir Antuor 8. M ‘ a “ H’Ive an hoe,”’ by Sir is in the i yfullest of Arthur Sullivan. laughs over recent row A Dy, —- 6 A= =” Exactly like 4 _ Mae fe him, which neither of these two = 2 humours, with —— in fact, he was in such good spirits, that, when I wanted to ay p54 and I told him he could either sing it or play it to me, he replied, “‘ You 7 is. How- Mus Doc, AY Reieooece ie ever, 1’m not offended, as I said to him, or rather said and sang to him, by way of reply. My Nemo’ — nd So it i y Name’s /(~—— — ae SS A SEMI-OFFICIAL INTRODUCTION. [Berry was introduced in a semi-official way, and at once said, “ Good morning, Ma’am.”—See Daily Papers on Mrs. Pearcy’s execution.) Kine - ra has a great Ambassador who journeys through all the land, With a cap, and a strap, and a slip-noosed rope all ready to his hand. He’s a genial man with a joke for all, and a smile on his jovial face, And a grip of the hand that is frank and free when he comes to the trysting place. And, oh, when the poe 3 A winter night is fading into the day, He comes to the cell and 1s introd in a semi-official way ; With a jolly ‘* Good morning, Ma’am,” he comes, and as quick as a morning dream He has corded his living panesl end flung it aeress the siscum. The stream flows silently onward, and the flood seems deep and strong, And some of us pause on the hither- bank slow-footed, linger long. at carty os Sat Wo Stes Rein in one bettie cents Be i Though the beckoning shapes dark and grim that wait on the But they whom the King’s Ambassador, or ever their race be run, Has summoned, must leave at the moment the sight of the friendly sun. He’s a kindly man, with a cheerful voice, but he never brooks delay When once he has come and been introduced in a semi-official way. And, ah, how lightly the minutes fly, that once seemed heavy as lead, And’ the sleeper is ftfully tossing, alone on her one will pity e sinful soul. q well who waits at the outer sheriffs to do his , behold he is come in state. The time is short, and the minutes fi , but ere we forget it, stay, We must introduce the Ambessador in e semi-offieial way.” been going on in the tlemen seated in a first class i herself COMPENSATION. (Soliloquy of Smelfungus whilst looking at the Pictorial Papers.) Yxs, it’s an ill-wind that blows nobody good, or «But think of joy of the Skater ! T-r-r-r- But oh, the warm flush Of the fellow who rides a boy ‘ rh fr Yet (chuckle /) the Skater sometimes 2 soak,” AS Edstssdtedinn Gmina ccm! [ Left sniggering. LOST IN THE MIST OF AGES. (Extracts from a@ Critique on an Exhibition to succeed the Guelphian, in 19—.) No. 76. Portrait of a Warrior. This picture is described in the Catalogue as the Duke of Wetiuverton, who, it will be remembered, won, in the early part of the last cqpeey, Ge Battle of Waterloo, and invented a new kind of boots. The is adorned with black whiskers and and an eyeglass not unlike the tra- ditional portrait of the great W. E. Gtaperown, Second Earl BEACONSFIELD, as depicted. by DounDREARY SorHEnn, or indeed, it be the Duke) is Artillery Volunteers, a His Grace’s death, a fact by a now nearly artist, called Sornern Dunpreary. The Duke (if, i ode FO Hospital. On the whole, not preserved b Reve bean » cuntenst to her Gles No. 2478. An Utensil Made of Brass. This strange-looking object may have been used by our ancestors as a helmet, or perhaps as a fish- e. It is, rather large for the first, and a little too thick for the second. describes the exhibit as ‘'a coal-scuttle.” It is impossible to this assertion, as now only found in specimen cases at museums, and a sketch of a coal-scuttle has not been seen for the last years. It is, however interesting as suggestive of a time when world was not heated by volcanic hot water. SeasonaBLe Repiy (By Our Own is is a for a cautious answer invitation to witness an out-of-door veyan and Seasonable “ on this dry ~ $4 Head.” a ee not too many guests, and cham 88 expect me, and

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, Jaxvary 10, 1891. Wy : : we m ed i" git 1] \ unt is \ v \\S Y TWELFTH-NIGHT DRAWINGS FOR FATHER TIME. (Shadows of the Past and Coming Forms.)

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Jaxvary 10, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 23 “HONOURS EASY!” (Omitted from the Won) Year's List last Sir F. Letenton, Bart., P.R.A., to be raised to the Peerage as the Earl of Burimeron, in order to adorn the House of Lords. Mr. Hewry Irvine, to be Lord Leena, lease Baron BEEFSTFAK. 2 to be Basen BEEr- STEAK, to YCHUM. Mies Frorence NIGHTINGALE, to be Lady Repcross = by ugh s she earned it nearly years ago. Care lect ; dR nay - sein to co su in the House of Lords. Sir Wrrrarp Lawson, Bart., will take the title of Lord DRINKWATER. N.B.—He = rapa nn iad in Court suit with pumps. Viscount Worsetey will be made F.R.8., F.8.A., F.R.G.8., M.D., in order to add to his collection, if he hasn’t ye Pte 4 Professor NoxMaNn Lockyer will cn rated a age marcas ie of the Thistle, Some More of, of Them.—Tue QUEEN further pleased am ete Mote ote eerage of = United Kingdom Mr. Sheriff soeneeee aeapee eatin, who on taking his seat in the Teter House, assume the title of Lord Avevustvs DRURIOLANUS OF Mr. 8. B. take that of Lord HayMaRKEr. Mr. Wriu1aM Brack, who will in future be known as Lord SHEILA oF the - di iy, epee be assume ignity, tively, under the titles - of PiccaDILLY and aM eae and the BEADLE OF THE BuRLINGTON AR- caDE, who will accept the honour with the style and title of Lord BURLINGTON OF ARCADIA, Her Masesry has also been further —' to by A the United Kingdom of a Lona AcrE. Baxcrort, who will hae Scort, _ ah, I i} }' ye | i i! A WAY OF PUTTING IT. Author, ‘‘Do vou tre my Verses!” Pompous Critic. ‘‘On, IMMENSELY ! EXIGENCIES OF RHYME HAVE OCCASIONALLY LED TO A FELI- CITY OF EXPRESSION WHICH—WHICH ALMOST COMPELS ONE TO ASSUME THE ORIGINAL EXISTENCE OF Ipmas |" : Carter, LampLovuen, and a m fy 4 the — of Ra SRslehthood | yn Te arden meaptaivd to ar, od Benes hos nm labours, had they been however, t whose Commander of mats ost exalted Order of the Sceptre of India, » Boge, Tuomas JEn- oimme Fed “Jom JAMES ne, KINS 3 ay Brown, Esq., of ial sels dm asaya GincerEz Banrnoy, JABBERJEEHOY, the | distinguished Reigning Jam of Jollipore.* | Art, Lite- | * Joun James Smitu, Esq., educated at Har- | | row, Commissioner of Gunenjore, 1878 ; Collector of | | Poojah, 1880; Acting-Deputy at Boorgipore, 1887, Tuomas Jenxins Rosinsow, Author of The Paper Rupee. What is its Commercial Value? Sat on the Puttialah Commission in 1870. Suspended for insubordination, 1882. Removed to Gallichud- dah, 1888. Part Author of The Governor-General’s Goose, and who is to Cook It ? James Wattor Brown, Eeq., son of Joun Wat.or Brown, Esq., of The Nut-crackers, Upper Patney. Author ‘of Brown’ ’s Digest of Synthetical Illusions ! Collector of N rpore, 1886; Boora- foola, 1885 ; Chourmgee, 1886, &c., &c. H.RB.H. the Jam of JoLLIPORE, the 29th descen- | dant in direct line from Ginorr Kuan, the con- | ueror of the Moguls. Gave 100,000 Rupees to the fy undation of the New Indian Hospital i in the Mile | I OBSERVE THAT THE t End eae. ee of wy Me into Disease c. niversity ra Feundec of tae'En Jollipore. Latest Additions.—Messrs. A. F, Peans, lala ** General” Boorn. To be K him ff the ‘‘ Submerged Tenth.” Zapxret and Old Moors, The Order The Most Distinguished Tinsel Star. For eminent services Astronom to ° Mr. W. ii. Sreap. The Most | mol | ye ef the Golden me Canangiae in re- voce Eevee ta aly cpouGaLL. The Order - Mr. the Free Pass. For services Morality. Mr. O’Baren, The Order of Retreat. teenage AT THE END OF THE YEAR, Tue Faienp’s Repty. I raovent your lines a t success, (You ou always one rather Although’! mast atone conten t agree with you completely. Of course I recollect quite well How long we sat a smvked to- And our conversation fell (As fall it will) upon the weather. Our then seemed bright and fair, (Our language certainly got Ween cee ceetioatn Se ob, by degrees our drinks grew Yes—in the game of law Bew wins, And many guineas in he’s picking, But have you his wife has twins, me ? And both of them alive and kick- And us Jox, now Jox, M. P., Is “oubtles dowte Throw spea speaking, since he’s proud The Member for a Tory Caucus. Yet I’m afraid for his poor brain, such success surely turn it, For every speech means s0 a it Since off by heart he has to learn it And mazy Jack, whose —— We all of us considered Has married money (and a wifes; But tell me—do you know the lady ? Dicx’s dinners, too, I’m quite aware, re noted— yet he’s far from saooe’ he Whit Tom’s fine house in quare Is mortgaged, so say, y- Life, after all, is surely more Than guineas, Belgrave Square, or Life is a race—but Ya ty 7 fac rth the And go, old friend, poumns I jog life’s hurry-skurry, And smoke my bird’s-eye, hey my grog, Without a care or thought to worry,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [January 10, 1891. VOCES POPULI. ON THE ICE, Sie Sopa On the bank, several persons are having their skates put on; practised Skaters being irritable and impatient, and others aunty the reverse, at any delay in the operation. Chorus of Unemploy an hour? Good oer stout on ye Pee dh iio omy a pair on, -_ es + Wl ree inter “ eal the wy! "hd the ple puttin’ our skites “last year, Mise! Best te ee [ Behibiting a primeval The Usual Comic Cockney (to his Friend, who has un- dertaken to imstruct him). No ’ , old man—this j aint a finished with == me yet! [To Skate-Fast- ; is Gaynor, "My ea i “ Look here! This is rather a pretty igure.” let v'nor My ta a ’orse’s ’oof | ’ Wei them skits! "Wall oe Alea vet Well, you may cegan gee Hine, but P's oat life for a few minutes’ Her _ The Fond Mother yy Children on the ice). t. ALMA, you’re doing it beautifully—don’t walk so m (To French Governess). Alma fay bocoo de progray, may elle ne assez—nayse par, Ma’amzell Mademoiselle. Cest Eta to est la plus habile, elle patine agja| a hoy eee he F. Wee-wee; may Exxa est la plus viaile, vous savvy. Leak nt buss. Atma, and see how she does it ! it peu—e’est beaucoup facile x eatoap ‘has fi les skates toutes sur un | ady a Ma’amzell, Axwa, and watch Exxa ! ~ a Je puis voler vite—oh, mais vite... 2, whet anne 06 tastes [Euxa ts helped to the bank. I are, Missie—set down on little dear—lor, they won't do pee Ow -* arm, Mum, bles ¢ ~ little bg Lemme tyke yer ites my keerful, um—got childring o’ my own at’ me the moral o your two, Mun! The F. M. (to Governess). Sayt un homme avec un bong ker. | Avez-vous—er— des cuivres, Ma’amzell ? The P. &. (diogustediy)” Wot P—on’y two etetnianiesl kin’ the skites orf them two kids’ trotters! I want « shellin’ orf you fur that job, Ido. ** Not another y”? Well, if you do everythink as > as you do yer , you orter be. toujours—toujours, fae; Ces done de ne money by, you ought! That’s se. tyke them snivellin’ ’ome—biow me if ever I——&c., [ Ezit party, The istsc Skater (in charge H poms # sony ust see aT. you ong by yourself a little—I it come back presently. striking out. The Niece. But, Uncle, directly I strike out, I fall down! The EB. 8. (encour agingly). You will at first, till you get into it— gives you confidence. Keep on at it—don’t stand about, or you’ll catch cold. ene you! 20 ‘ tte 8 5 Sates a 62 Sette ‘lancy Skater (to less accom is 18 a pretty figure—sort of variation of the “ von Cat” coting with ** The Vine ;” it’s done this wa tay uarter of circle on outside F then sudden stop—— ( e sits down with violence.) te come off that time ! be mem, old fellow ! ou —s ie realy a1 a neat when it’s well done ; you do it on one leg, li (Essa am labora back fl His Friend. You seem to do most of it on no at all, old The F. 8. Haven’ & preetiont it lately, that’s Now here's. a figure I invented my ** The Swooping Hawk” I call it. His Friend ( een ae ho, te ee ee —yes. More like a Spread Eag A Prett Rao (to Mr. Acker, who has been privileged to take r) and her plain Sister). Do come and tell me if I’m it as r. Ackuey. You said you’d go round with me! Plain 8. How can you be wae) ,Fionais? You’ve had mch more practice than J have! Mr. Acxmer, I wish ’d look at my left boot—it will go like that. Is it my ankle—or this strap ie hurting me so! Couldn’t you loosen it, to the or something ? , can’t she ; (temporising feebly). Er—suppose_I give each of you a The Piain S. No; I can’t go along fast, We sen. oak Lanes. You promised to look’ after me, and I "mm perfectly helpless alone ! zee Dye F. Them, am | to oor self, Mr. Ackmery ? Mr. A. I—I think—just for a little, if you don’t mind! The Pretty 8. Mind? Not a bit! There’s Crana Wittovensr .| and her bro zen Sho next ring, TS ge deer te Gem. Take good care of Atice, Mr. Ackmey. Good-bye for the aaaad ome} Sage Sots Red r. A. is ‘ one GON to The Reckless Rough. Now then, I’m on’ere, Clear the way, all a| of yer! Parties must look out fur theirselves when they see mea | comin’, I carn’t stop fur nobody! [ Rushes omy the ring at a tremendous pace. An Admiring Sweeper (following his movements with enthusiasm). Theer he goes—the Ornimental Seyter' Look at’im a buzzin’ round ! Lor, it’s a treat to see im bowlin’ ’em all over like a lot ¢ ninepins | Go it, ole Franwxy, my son—don’t you stop cape! - .. Ah, there he goes on his nut agen! ’E don’t / Orf he goes agin! . .» That’s another on’em down, «g's ole FRANKY atop—e’ll ’ave the ring all to isself tly! Up agin! Oh, an’t be lovely! I never 00 bis loike nowheres . nd yer go—that’s the stoyle! a eyes, ain’t upset ‘another—a ydy this time—she’s dene “or ae Ge d’y, any ‘ow! and ole Faanx knocked aly I ’t larfed ser much in all my life! [He is left lenghtg The Curate to his Slippers. Taxes, oh take those boots away That so nearly are out-worn ; And those shoes remove, I _ Pumps that but induce the corn ; But my ae bring again, Works of tons bal wer worked i in vain, | Worked in vain! Ovr Own First-class Clipper sends us the following from the Manchester Guardian, Dee. 11th: Gee — Wanted, a live Sugar Weegee. Apply, &c. HOE TRADE.—Wanted, good Hand-sewn Men. Apply, &. | Das —Wanted, for the first three weeks in Nene several Men, forsale. Apply by letter, stating experience, &e. —. | Would « Spirit Rapper be accepted for the amt? and a man who | had got e stitch in his side f for the second? As f or the third, there are s many people sold at Christmas time, that to provide ’s few be no very difficult task. | men for sale w (> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by « there will be no exception. MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this ar ww | SEER Owe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Janvanrr 10, 1891. LIQUEUR OF THE Gat. CHARTREUSE. he tay came so much ueur, Bie th has act al the, 2 Saree can W. DOYLE, 85, Crutched Friars, London, ¥.C. The Real “Cup o’ Kindness.” A Perfect Blending of the CHOICEST BRANDS of the Highest Classes of Fine Old Whiskics, in their Native Purity, as produced in Scotiand. B.O.S. BLENDED onal Years aan 60s. per dos. qi » Five 7 ” 4 Carriage Paid on Orders of | dos. and upwards anywhere in the United dom on receipt of 4s. 64., 4s, ‘ana 3s. 6d. respectiv ely. PEASE, SON, & CO., LEITH, SCOTLAND, ENGLISH BRANCH, DARLINGTON, DULEAM. FABLIGMED 1808, Please sunttep * * Punch * when ordering. A single bottle, as a sample, will be sent post free to any address on receipt m Ss O. for 4s. 84. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO, %4 and 2, HAKYT 8ST., KLOOMSHURY, W.C. Bo.d by all l zapina Mencnants throughout Inpia and the Cotonses. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. J. EXSHAW & 60.8 FINEST OLD BRANDY. dos. ye as imported. 203, Kegent Street, W. r TW Pred aco MILWARDS’ NEEDLE-GASES. FOR CHRISTMAS any OTHER PRESENTS. THE PRETTLEST any MOST USEFUL CADEAU. insist upon the name “MILWARD,” as & guarantee of quali Puertel ba Makes: tho Tray Need +m the House- hold N Case, Xe., &¢. Upwards of {00 Varieties, NEAVE’S F Dr. BARTLETT, Ph.D., ¥.0.8.. seapere HA Sir CHAS. CAMERON, M.D., lt =. eee Tor evarien” ST Tar constisionl ore her sieve tne ge of the best batecemies Poeds. UNLIGHT SOAP wonruLr COMPETITION. FOR YOUNG FOLKS ONLY. Competitors not to be over 17 last Birthduy. zhese, is no element of chance in petitions lates to « tek effort. RIZES value over £600! 60 Gilver — Lever Watches a e — Preval Mos and 8 Satety Bie Dapeiee om Ay a and Address on Post Ca:d \) for Rules to LEVER FROS., ‘ha., POKT SUNLIGHT, near BIRKENHEAD BEWARE | Do not allow other Boa * Bunlight Soa to be pt off upon vou. ify 4 you Bast expect to be disappointed See that you get what you ssk for, and that the word ** Sunlight” is stamped = every Tabict, and printed upon every W ra; HOLLANDSCHE TANDMIDDELEN. FOR CLEANSING THE TEETH AND PERFUMING THE BREATH. Tooth Elixir, 2s. 64. per bottle. Tooth Powder, 61 and js. per box. Tooth Paste, Clove flavour, 2s. 6d.; Peppermint flavour, 3s. per pot. Prepared by A. FRIEDERICH, Purveyor to H. M_ the King of Holland. Sole Agents: R. HOVEND!N & BONS, London. LOHSE’S MAIGLOCKCHEN = LILY OF THE VALLEY = m PERFUME fe TOILET SOAP cass orfonere GUSTAV LOF LOHSE, Beruin. = LINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATE. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the TEETH. Renders the Teeth PEARLY WHITE. Is perfectly hormiess, and Delicious to the Taste. Is partiy composed of Boney, end extracts from sweet herbs and pla Of all Chem ‘sts and Perfumers S eaetativan tie world. 2. 64. per bottle, FLORILINE TOOTH POWDER mir, Put up in giase jars. Price only by The Anglo-American ee | Company, Limited, 38. Farringdon Road, Londen, £0, Por an Fasy, La and Perfect Shave, use ARBENZ’S celebrated Mandarin RAZORS, with fully war- ranted inter changerabic Blades. y are the best, mort reliable, easiest, and cheapest bixh-class Mazors krown, and inns: merabe unsolicited testimonials sy for inspec tion prove shaving ee Som to be S es “ Mest comfortabie,” sry F that they give —~ leh. whee . = the most expensive Kozors, have foiled Vi ices— 4s. 81. for one, 8. the set of 4. lia, 6d, the set of 7; Extra Hiades ls. “4. cach; Fined Hlade, és coh May be had of re«pectabie Dealers , special Agent, or divec one - diy ogy ker P A.ARR'SNZ OF f ® Viawinowam, Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF )OTH BED AND BEOWN LABELS. MAPPIN & WEBB'S DRESSING BAGS. EERINGS sits MEDAL eestor (HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur. WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. OF ALL DEALERS. Be sure and ask for GRANT'S, and don't be put of with inferior makes. Bewans or tus Pant orren:no lurtations oF Macnivex & Camenon's Pens THE FLYING “J” PEN. eee Writes over 150 wo: ds with one dip. “ Beems endowed with the magic.an’s art.” Sold everywhere, 64. and is. per box GH Sample Box, with «i the ki nds, yi by Post. & Cameron, Waverley Works, Edinburgh. FOR ASTHMA &C DATURA TATULA FOR SMOKING AND INHALATION. SAVORY & MOORE, London. And of Chemists everywhere. LIEBIG COMPANY’S (as above) in Bine Ink across the Label on evch Jar of the Genuine Extract. DRESSMAKING IN ALL iTS BRANCHES, London Sale Boom: 244, REGENT ST., W. Corner of Little Argyl! *treet, CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE FRY'S PURE COCOA “1 consider it a very rich, delicious Cocos-”—W. EB. STANLEY, M.D. POWELL’ S BALSAM ANISEED. abit COUGH4, ASTHMA, BKONCHITIB, &e Chemists throughort the world. No family be without it Paris. Neral, B ve rt, po Brussels, P.armacie Delsers ; Meker; Kotterdam, Baten Koiff over M years, Prepared only by THOMAS P.WELL, Blackiriars Sosd, Lon‘ on. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. The eae | nuance “Chitain Foneé imoarted to Hair of any eviour ! ering ain sold bara Nou 0d WINTER. 672, Oxford Price . Sle. For tinting grey or fe » alee ie invelueble ted Cubebs, Strameonium one Cannab.Ind. Alwa ayerol) ~S frequently cure Ast ma, , Bronchitis, SAVAR’S CUBEB Full directions. All Chemiste, CIGARETTES. ae + bow > a Wood of 4s. 64, per Hox ALL FAT PEOPLE quest tee see TANLETS Regd . oa safe cure for Srourwess. Bend is 64. to Tite. % CO, 70, Yinebury Pavement. London WRIGHT Si ds COALS == ARS = OAD ~ One Cigarette insures « good night's rest Box of 12, is, ; 4, ts, 64

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ee OR THE 4 arn —Janvary 10, 1891. = HIGHEST AWARDS = | | EVERYWHERE. : | LONDON, PARIS, MELBOURNE, PHILADELPHIA, || SANTIAGO, ADELAIDE, EDINBURGH, &c. 9 [stablished 100 years, and from the World's FIRST great Exhibition in 1851 down to its LAST in Edinburgh, September, 1890, it has, wherever Exhibited, in every instance obtained the Highest Medals and Diplomas at the disposal of the Judges ; a series of achieve- ments without precedent amongst Exhibitors of any class of goods whatever—of those awards Messrs. PEARS hold no fewer than twenty. _ As at each Exhibition the jury is composed, on an average, of | 4 more than five of the CHIEF EXPERTS OF THE WORLD (Analysts or Soapmakers), these awards represent the consensus of opinion of }} j ov OVER ONE HUNDRED OF THE WORLD'S FOREMOST AUTHORITIES |! PI — ee ED EVERY SATURDAY. rae ert Es Pieetact of Wibetiars, tx tae Oy of nara Kis EE ta Vises busert, tn the Parish of BA Bride’ Cty of aera ASS oe

Page 37

(SHED EVERY SATURDAY. a 33 | The 1890 YEARLY VOLUME of “ PUNCH.” 4 U Nn C Very elegantly bound in blue cloth, gilt edges, price 17s, COMPLETE SETS, in 50 Volumes, £29 Os. Od, VOLUMES The HALF-YEARLY VOLUME, July to December, 1890, in brown cloth, is also ready, price 8s. 6d.

NO WwW READY COMPLETE SETS, half bound, in Double Yearly Volumes to 1888, 24 Vols., £24 109s.

VOLUME ONE HUNDRED —~— JANUARY 17, ait : ee re Sir a \ ) & ings Ay SA al

— < PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET.

AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, USE LIEBIG COMPANY’ S See ACT OF BEEF. -eerecr purity assowurety ovaranreeo.

“SONSd S3SUHL ZO0IUd

a Newspa)

Page 38

PUNCH, OR R THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Janvuarr 17, 1891. BR. SMILES’S WORKS, THE HUGUENOTS IN ENG- IR4LABD LARD AND New Edition, with Additions, 7s. 64 JAMES NASMYTH: An Auto- Dography. I%«. and és. LIVES OF THE ENGINEERS. 5 Yols., 7+. 64. each INDUSTRIAL BIOGRAPHY. oe Post fro, Gs. each LIFE AND\|INVENTION LABOUR. AND INDUSTRY. SELF-HELP. | DUTY. CHARACTER. THRIFT. LIFE OF GEORGE _STEPHEN- SOM. Zis., 7s. 64., and & THOMAS EDWARD: Scotch Naturalist 6 ROBERT DICK: Geologist and Botanist. |2 FOUN MURRAY, Albemarie Mtreet LONDON LIFE ASSOCIATION. Berar: wend ABSUBANCE FUND, roun MILLIONS. MUTUAL ASSURANCE AT LEAST COST. No. 61, King William Street, E.C. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, 7 Millions Stg. FOR PROTECTION ANIWLSIANI P i EDINBURGH, 8 George St. (Head Office) LONDON, 63 King William Street, 8 Pall Mall Bast, 8.W. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street, Branches & Agencies in lndia & the Colonies HAIR GOL NEUE reRPRCTLY HARMLESS. Foid by Perfumers and (hemuste throughoet the World. Agents: R. HOVENDEN @ SONS, Lowvon EDWARD paneme | by contract transferred the manufacture ef his Syrup te Seutae & Bone, The Public are cautic that a number of inferior imitations (differing in 7’ are sold as Pr ‘s. To obtain - yo sold for LF — A ~. zene br Beorns purchasers sh SQUIRE'S CHEMICAL 2. FOOD FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. Or Acarrs, on py Panowt Poor Pass pIaecT Feom SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemiata, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. "Goddard's Ptate Powder J -MEMOURIAL. The ST “and SAFEST pricis for CLEANING LATE, &. SIX GOLD nna awarded. Seid ever; where, in boxes, ls., 2s. 6¢., and és. 64. First produced and designated Corn Flour by BROWN & POLSON in 1856. Brown & Porson’s Corn FLour HAS THE LONGEST HISTORY AND HIGHEST REPUTATION. WORTH et Cie, (UNDER ROYAL PATRONAGE.) SPECIALITY CORSETS » A separate > Depa: epartment for } Gentiemen, for every class of Core pe mates 134, NEW BOND STREET, W MAPPIN & WEBB'S A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TABLE KNIVES. TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, Prepared under Swettme'’s Patents. Improves the flevour of tea, assists digestion, soothes yet refreshes. SOLD retail by all Grocers. THE HOP TFA cO., Lm, 8T. GEORGE'S HOUSE, RASTCHEAP. }. 3, and 1 Ib. samples, with testimoniais, &c., will be sent on receipt of P.0.0. with 24. added for postage. N.B.—Wholesale only, there- fore no recond sample will be sent. CONDY'S FLUID. USED IN ALL HOSPITALS. CONDY'S REMEDIAL FLUIN, SAVE 30 PER CENT., and BUY your SHIRTS | CONDY’S.—A Household Word. and COLLARS dircct from Ireland, the Home of | COND Y’S.—In fore Throats Linen Manufacture | ag ~ ore COND Y’S.—The Sovereign C for Kelaxed Throat. quate excellent, many cases being cured imme divtely."—Dr T. W. Hanan. * it is of great service os a eer’ ing and sti mu! «ting gargie.""—Dr. Waapn, *eaman's Hospital SORE THROATS.—Slight Cares “Vvery case showed an imme viate improvement.” —Dr. Kepperronrs. COND Y’S.—Severe Sore Throat Quickly Relieved. oF have empieyed it wita invariab.e success "We Cuas. Bett. enna be S. — “‘ Cleanses Weluhe| —** For Irritating Dis- ime t : st rapidly.” —Jir. Pore charges Maou att GAVE Money, Time, and Temper by wearing CONDY's. The * CONDY'S. TAAPFE & COLDWELL’S celebrated ‘Lancet ” says: c Porfecta” os E-iher it ie not wondervul teat this. Pie has been a a with SHIRTS and COLLARS. entific and unscientific men cONDY’ s. —ev ere should read a. — Pastis Baek Sertetin A ar- —Theve are made of the most durable Long. | CONDY’ 's “FLUID WORKS, cloth and Pure irik Linen. olde or to spec’ 64, TURNMILL STREET, E.C. | : es ‘la wding usefal information or numerous aliments issued with ever pete °, or sent free by post on applica- ‘I find the Conay and cold water | Cured at Once. | ts by eminent medical autho.:- | OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL Ons OF THE MOST BCONOMICAL FIRST-CLA86 HOTELS IN THE KINGDouw (GRAND HOTEL TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON, ENG. FINEST SITUATION. EVERY LUXURY ano COMFORT MOST RECHERCHE CUISINE. VERY MODERATE Treloar & Sons, Ludgate Hill. | TURKEY WHOLESALE PRICES QUOTATIONS BY POST FOR ANY BIZE / IMPORTERS, TRELOAR 2 SONS, | 68, 69, and 70, Ludgate Hill | A CATALOGUE OF THE KesT FLOOK COVEKINGS POST FRER. CELEBRATED ‘BUTTER- SCOTCH. “Really whol$ome ROL A Sea Bath ia Yorr Cwn Boom for One Peray ‘STODDART S SEA SALTS INVALUABLE FOR RHEUMATISM AND WEAK JOINTS Fetablished Forty Years. Kegistered Trade Mark | Sold in 64. 2-Ib., le. 21. 7-Ib., and 2«. 14-Ib. Noxes | 4. 28-1b.. as. 56-1b . and 16s. 112 Ib Kegs Full Directions for Use on cach Package. Readily Soluble in Hot or Cold Water. Ana yse: and approved of by Avrmun H. Haseate M.D, « Utro Me unen F.UB8 Sold by oo ts Patent Medicine Dealers, 4c. holesale London Agents, BARCLAY z SUNS, Lrp , 95, Farr-ng ion Bt, E.C. Proprietors, | A. &J, WARREN, Wholesale and Importers of finest Viive Oil, licensed Makers of Meths lated Spirit, 234 %. REDCLIFF STREET, BRISTOL. ma ure or pattern, and a Saving of 30 per conte uying ‘direct from Man ufactu sent Post Free for 5s. 6d equal "to Chest Measure Pour-fold Irish Linen Collars, ls 94., 2s. Od.; extra quality 3s. 9d. per half doz., Post pres. GRANT'S MORELLA ‘CHERRY BRANDY, Ovp Surers Ke Firrep with New Linen Fro (Cuffs, and Neckbincs. 28 34, and 2s 94., Post Pree. OF ALL DEALERS. TAAFFE & COLDWELL. Shirt Tailors, Be sure and ask for GRANT'S, and don’t be put off | 81, Gasrrow Sreerr, DUBLIN with inferior makes. Fest Your Soap We will supply, free on application, tests for Soaps, with bona fide Reports from Medical and other Scientific Journals, together with Facts and Figures, showing wwomm Yinrolin Soape to be the PUREST, SAFEST, and BEST for Skin Irritation, Toilet, Nursery, and Bath. BLONDEAU et CIE., RYLAND ROAD, LONDON, N.W. A ee Shirt | New Designs and Patterns. Perfect ft Ali W Write for Patterns (sent post free) to the come Land Wootten Co Bxpst. London Agency 'o Horse Clothing. 13, Berkeley Street, Piccadilly, W tate + ROWLAND’S MACASSAR OIL Nourishes and Preserves the Hair, makes it Soft and Silky, and is the being not too greasy or drying ; speci- ally suited for Ladies’ and Children’s Hair ; watiien, Bs. 6d.; 7s. pon Oheg- tors 10s, 64. Whitens the Teeth, ODONTO Prevcne “Deca Sweetens the Breath. 6cld everywhere. eo so es foe eT

Page 39

Jawuary 17, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION. Mai, i WM Kn Lys LEE

DRAWING A BADGER,

VOCES POPULI. AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD’S. Before the effigy of Dr. Kocu, who is represented in the act of examining a test-tube with the expression of bland blamelessness peculiar to Wax Models. Well-informed Visitor, That’s Dre. Koc, making his great discovery ! ’ Unscientific V. What did he dis- | cover? Well-inf. V. Why, the Consump- tion illus. He’s got it in that bottle he’s holding up. Unse. V. And what’s the good of it, now he Aas discovered it ? Well-inf. V. Good? Why, it’s the thing that causes consumption, you know! Unse. V. Then it’s a pity he didn’t : Sa > leave it alone! Before a Scene representing “‘ The Home Life At Sandringham.” First Old Lady (with Catalogue). It says here that ‘‘the note the page is handi have come from Sir Dientow Prosyn, the Comptroller of the Household.” Fancy that / Second O e’s brought it in in his Now that’s <4 , f / Ys) Before a Scene representing the late Faep ARCHER, mounted, on Ascot Race-course, A. Sportsman, H’m—Ancugr, eh? Shouldn’t have backed his mount in that race! Before ‘* The Library at Hawarden,” Gladstonian Enthusiast (to Friend, who, with the perverse ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been endeavouring to identify the Rev. oHN WESLEY a the Cabinet in Downing Street). Oh, never mind all that lot, Bersy; they ’re only the Gover'ment/ Here’s dear Mr. and Mrs, GrapsTone in this next! See, he’s lookin’ for something in a drawer of his side-board—ain’t that natural? And only look—a lot of people have been leaving Christmas cards on him (a pretty and touching tribute of affection, which is eminently characteristic of a warm-hearted Public). I wish I’d thought o’ bringing one with me! ; Her Friend. 80 do I. We might send one ’ere by post—but Bic Gil tly foe et paw. Who are the fe (before next group). o are se two? Mr, Every Invine, wad Miss Erren Terry in Faust, eh? No—

I don’t care to stop to see them—that’s play-actin’, that is—and I don’t ’old with it nohow! What are these two parties sup to be doin’ of over here? What—Cardinal Newman and inal Mawnine at the High Altar at the Oratory, Brom ! Come along, and don’t encourage Popery by looking at such figures. | did "ear as they'd got Mrs. Paanous end the prambilator somewheres. I should like to see that, now. In Toe CurLpRen’s GALLERY. _ An Aunt (who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine of useful information). Look, Bossy, dear | rg ** Here we have Uon- STANTINE’S Cat, as seen in * Nights of Straparola,’ an Italian romancist, whose book was translated into French in the year 1585——” Bobby (disappointed), Oh, then it ien’t Puss in Boots! A Genial Grandfather ( before ** Crusoe and Friday”’). Well, Percy, my boy, you know who that is, at all events—eh ? Percy. I su it is Srantey—but it’s not very like. The G. G. Branter!— », bless my soul, never heard of Robinson Crusoe and his man Friday ? Dorey, GS, 3 ve heard of Sah, © ange aay come in punto» mimes—bu' more grown-up books myself, you know. i The "GG. Neonat, least-—well, I expect it? ml . . x sed ing Beauty.” You remember her, of course—all about the and the and her father picking a rose when the grew Grandfather, you had more time for general (He looks through a practicable cottage anda Cat. Not badly stuffed ! that must be “ Old Mother Hubbard.” (Quoting ’ “Old Mother Hubbard sat in a cupboard, eating a ple—or a bone was it?” Percy. ’t know. It’s not in Selections from British Poetry, which we have to get up for ** rep.” ).. “* The absurd ambulations of | The Aunt (reading from this antique person, and y absurd antics of her dog, need no recapitulation.” Here’s “* Jack the Giant Killer” next. Listen, Boppy, to what it says about him here. (Reads.) ‘‘ It is clearly the last transmutation of the old British legend told by Grorraey of Monmouth, of Contwevs the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan Brorus, when he first settled in Britain. But more than this”—| hope you’re listening, Bossy ?—*' more than this, it is quite evident, even to the superficial student of Greek mythology, that many of the main incidents and ornaments are borrowed from the tales of Think of that, now! Bossy thinks of it, with depression. The G. G. (before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling new lamps for old), Here you are, you see! ‘* Ali Baba,” got ’em all here, you see. Never read your ‘* Arabian Nights,” either! Is that the way they bring up boys nowadays! Percy. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a fellow reads | ont kind of thing when he’s young, he ’t get a chance after- wards. The Aunt (still quoting). *‘In the famous work,” Bonny, ‘‘ by which we know Mas(p1, he mentions the Persian Hezar Afsane-um-um- um,— nor have commentators failed to notice that the occasion of the book written for the Princess Homat resembles the story told in the Hebrew Bible about Esruenr, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two or three centuries B.C.” Well, I never knew that before! ... This is “‘ Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea” — | let’s see what they say about Aim. (Reads) “ Both the stor Sindbad and the old Basque legend of Tartaro are undoubtedly bor- | rowed from the Odyssey of Homer, whose Iliad and Odyssey were translated into Syriac in the of Hanun-vn-Rasurm.” Dear, dear, how interesting, now! and, Bossy, what do you think someone says about ‘‘ Jack and the ”? He says—" this tale is an allegory of the Teutonic Al-fader, the red hen representing the al! producing sun; the money the fertilising rain ; and the harp, the winds.” Well, I’m sure it seems likely enough, doesn’t it ’ [Bossy suppresses a yawn; Percy's feelings are outraged by receiving a tin trumpet from the ky Tub ; general move to the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy. Before the Hampstead Tableau. Spectators. Dear, dear, there’s the dresser, you see, and the window, broken all; it’s how they can doit! And there’s poor Mrs. ’Oce— real loaf she’s cutting, and the poor baby, too! ... Here’s the actual casts taken after they were m . Oh, and there’s Mrs, Peancey wheeling the | perambulator—it’s the very perambulator! No, not the + haw they ’ve got that at the other place, and the piece of toffee baby | sucked, Have oar! Oh, we must try and go there, too, | before the children’s holidays are over. And this is all? Well, | well, everything very nice, I will say. But a pity they couldn't get the real perambulator ! Hesiop_and Homer.”

VOL ¢c, D

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 17, 1891. A Sore or tue Great Scotcn Sreixz, ee UE Hi Hi} ‘ in pry yp “ HM J iy \ * Ob, let us not like anarling tykes, In wrangling be divided ; Till slap comes in an upcoo loon And with a rung decide it. Be Britain still to Britain true, Amang oursels united ; For never but by British hands Maun British wrongs be righted ! ” Rosert Buuns’s “ Dumfries Volunteers.” | Shade of Buxns, loquitur :-— O, rantin’ roarin’ Jom~wy Buens, My namesake—in a fashion, BURNS VERSUS BURNS. You do my Scots the warst o’ turns Sae stirrin’ up their passion. Whencecome ye, Jonny? Frae the Docks? Or frae the County Council ? Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks ; We take and bounee ill ! " your teat one an Toxz—'"' Push about the Jorum !” yng TH ! | The Thames shall run to join the Tweed, Criffel adorn Thames A man’s a man for a’ And ane’s as good as ti But that ship’s crew is That inies in bad mutinies ° Nae flouts to ‘* honest industry ” Shall fa’ frae the Exciseman ;

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Jaxvary 17, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘But ane who blaws up strife like \ Wy Wisdom deems not a wise man. wil AY Scot business may be out o’ tune, bE True harmony may fail in’t, hy th) But deil a cockne Guten been | Mt y Pays ~ ate ob Ay Mt) I, fathers on occasion foug > so can we, if needed ; t, Pred naan) Bat wi eee pa he ht Sound s should pass ed. Fal de ral, &c, .| Let toilers not, like marling ty kes, ty, ff LTT 1 a angling be divided: " ‘a cmemcrasade S| | A Till foreign ‘trade, which marks our | : | Y/ 8 in, and we’re d id i. An | ef ¥ Be Beptland still to Scotland true, ‘OW my A oursels united ; ’Tis not by firebrands, Jomm, like you 11) ease Our wrangs shall best be righted. Fal de y Ap The knave who’d crush the toilere ‘ 4 } i i THINGS ONE ~mAW SS — l= = .~ ~ WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. ~~ es —_ - ; ow vols.! A work and for a life-| Small Stranger (to Master of the house), ‘Ow mv! THe GENTLEMAN AS OPENS THE DOOR WILL GIVE IT YER, IF YER RING THAT Bet |" —- = _————— OPERATIC GOSSIP. Dorie the preparation of Sir Anraur Scxuivan's new Opera, Ivanhoe, a grave ——— to the subject occurred to him, which was, that one of personages in the dramatis persone must be “Gilbert” —1.¢,, Sir Brian de Buis- Guilbert. True, that Sir Brian is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir AnTHUR’s generous aa sition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he couldn't ec the s name to Sir Brian de Bois-Sullivan, and Oy.zr, persistently, ‘‘it isn’t spelt the same.” ‘‘ No,” epli ir ArTH **that’s the worst of it; there’s ‘u’ and "re mixed up with this Guibert.” Fortunately, the Composer and the Author up their quarrel, and as a memento of the happy termination to the temporary misunderstanding, Sir A REMINISCENCE hand, and OF C. K, Tue excellent article in the Times on the 6th inst. u Kees was worthy of ite subject. The writer in the P. day earlier ; erformed his self-im task with a judicious and loving as far as | can judge, his account of our lamented colleague seems to be correct. As to our CARLo’s Mastership in his Black- and- White Art, there can be but one opinion among A who possess the whole of the Once a Week series will there find admirable specimens of CuakLes Keene in a more serious vein. His said | most striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. | remember a story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An artistic friend was in Kexzne's studio, while Canto was at work, pipe in mouth, of course. ‘‘I can’t understand,” said his friend, ** how you produce that effect of distance in so small a picture.” ‘ O— um—easy enough,” replied Kezwr. ‘‘ Look here,”’—and——he did it, But when and how he gave the touch which made the effect, his friend, following bis work y, was unable to discover. has turned similar wanderings to good for Mr. Saurrow, in addition to self, has brought back an de visite—no, I beg pardon, his caravans de vi: varied. Verily, my brethren, all is caravanity! Not al ‘ returning with his caravan him- collection of original and delicate taken every caravantage of interesting ks in oil and silver-point—in short, Socpeuld opportunities. Yours Op Pax, account. ys ships, 118 guns, and 3,000 men; six men; and seven German ships, 42 “* Pacific” waters! Looks like Pacific, doesn’t it ? CHARLES M. G. of a Those F.C. B, Pars asour Picrunes.—There is always something fresh coming out at Messrs. Dowpesweir’s Articultural Garden in Bond Street. Their latest novelty is the result of a caravan tour from Dieppe to Nice (** Di upon it, he found it very nice!” said Young Pax, propriety pee pepe y Mr. C. P. CHaRres CoLiins utilised an expedition from a literary point of view in his inimitable ‘‘ Crusse upon Wheels,” and this young artist Sarvrrow. His cartes visite—are numerous and ‘*May rr Prease Your *‘ Wansurrs.’”—Twenty-three American guns, , 1,229 “ coal ie oy ye a,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {January 17, 1891, MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. No, XL.—THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE. By Reaver Faouarp, Author of “Queen Bathsheba's Ewers,” ‘‘ Yawn, “ Guees,” “ Me,” “My Ma's at Penge,” ‘'Smallun Halfboy,” ‘' General Porridge, D.7.,” “Me a Kiss,” “ The Hemisphere's Wish,” de., he. [I~ « long communication which accompanicd the MS. of this novel, the Author gives a description of his literary method. We have only room for a | few extracts, ‘I have been accused of plagiarism, I reply that the aceusa- tion is ridiculous. Nature is the great plagiarist, the of the brains of authors. There is no situation, however romantic or grotesque, which Nature | does not sooner or later appropriate. Therefore the more natural an author is, che more liable is he to envious accusations of plagigrism Humour may often be deteeted in an absence of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially humorous object As to literary style, it can be varied at pleasure, but the romantic tian and the plain South African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, ‘Ars Fangs Rider brevis,’ and a vere good motto too. I like writing in couples. Personally I could never have bothered myself to learn up all these quaint myths and literary fairy tales, but Lane hikes it.”’] Cuarrer I. My name is Smatiuw Hatrsoy, a curious name for an old fellow | like me, who have been battered and knocked about all jover the world from Yorkshire to South Africa. I’m not much of a hand at writing, but, bless your heart, I know the Bab Ballads by heart, and I can tell you it’s no end of a joke quoting them everyw especially when you quote out an entirely different book. I am not a brave man, but nobody ever was a surer shot with an Express longbow, and no one ever killed more Africans, men and elephants, than I have in my time. But I do love blood. I love it in regular rivers all over the place, with es and slashes and lopped eads and arms and | ing about everywhere. Black blood is the best variety ; I mean the blood of black men, because nobody really cares twopence about them, and you can massacre several thousands of them in half-a-dozen lines and offend no single soul. And, after all, I am not certain that black men have any souls, so that makes things safe all round, as someone says in the Bab Ballads, Cuarres II, I was staying with my old friend Sir Hewxy Hvorrvs last winter at his ancestral home in Yorkshire. We had been shooting all day with indifferent results, and were returning home fagged and with our rifles over our shoulders. I ought to have menti that | Coopewr—of course, you remember Captain Coopent, R.N.—was of the party. Ever since he had found his legs so much admired by an mig public, he had worn a kilt without i in order to show them. This, however, was not done from vanity, rather from a high sense of duty, for he felt that those be born with personal advan ought not to be deterred by any sense of false modesty from gratifying the reading public by their display. Lord, how we had laughed to see him fing through the cling ing brambles in Sir Henry's coverts with his eye-glass in his eye and his Express at the trail. At every step his unfortunate legs been more and more torn, until there was literally not a sound akin upon them anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid roared when old VeLverrens the second keeper had poor Coopent a lump of flesh from his right leg, whi sticking on a thorn-bush in the centre of the high cov Sir Hewry stopped and his eyes with his We all imitated him, though for my not bei had no notion what was up. “ ’s the ti Hewny ?” I ventured to whisper, Sir Hewny but took out his massive ‘En inty,”” I in a low voice. | | ” > “ Then a strange thing happened.” .| here? Speak ere it be too late!” favourable view of the situation, and by its light I saw rd, four teal and three widgeon come a down, as my pros- whole a ve six fine | dead pe many door-nails, and much heavier on the top trate ; When t recovered Sir Hewry was bending over me and ing brandy down my throat. CoopEnr was sitting on the aaa bind- ing up his legs. ‘My dear old friend,” said Sir Hewny, in his kindest tone, ‘‘ this Yorkshire is too dangerous. My mind is made up. This very night we all start for Mariannak and. There at least our lives will be safe.” Cuarrer III, We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a {month travelling on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the scorching African sun which ali but burnt us in our treks. Our Veldt slippers and our pace was consequently reduced to the merest Kraal. At rare intervals during our adventurous , we seen Stars and heard of Echoes, but now not a single Kopje was left, and we were trudging along mournfully with our blistered tongas posteating from our mouths. Suddenly Sir Hewny spoke—‘' Smattun, my old friend,” he said, **do you see anything in the distance ? ” I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see nothing but the horizon. ‘Look again,” said Sir Henry. I swept the distance with my glance. It a sandy, arid di and, natu- rally enough, a small of dust appeared. Then a strange a a The cloud pews grew. came rolling towards us with an unearthly noise. Then it were worn out, mighty —/ mig army riors, in battle-array, chanting the war-song of the Mariannakoo- kas. I must confess that my first instinct was to Boe my second to run, my third, best, to remain rooted to the spot. When the army came within; ten yards of us, it stopped, as if by mesic, and a /_» stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect, who seemed to be the Commander- in-Chief, advanced to the front. On her head she wore an immense native jelibag, tricked out with fea ; her breast was encased in a huge silver tureene. Her waist was encircled with a broad girdle in which were stuck all manner deadly arms, stuhpans, sorspans, spihte, and deeshecloutz. In her left hand she carried a deadly-look- ing kaster, while in her right she brandi a massive rolinpin, a ; frightful weapon, which produces internal wounds of the most awful kind. Her regiments were simi- larly armed, save that, in their case, the breast-covering was made of inferior metal, and they wore no feathers in their head-dress. The Commander held up her hand. Instantly the war-song 4 Then the Commander addressed us, and her voice sounded like the song of them that address the butchaboys in the morning. is was the torque she hurled at us,— Cuarter IV. ‘Og, wanderers from a far country, I am She-who-will-never- Obey, the Queen of the Mariannakookas. I rule above, and in nether regions, where there is Eternal Fire. Behold my Word goes forth. and the Ovens are made hot, and the Kee-chen-boi-lars are filled with Water. Over me no Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I keep in subjection, save only the Weeklibuks ; them apne down, for they delight me. And the land over which I reign is made with fat and much stored up Dripn. are ye, seek ye And as she ceased the whole army broke forth into a chorus, ‘‘ She-who-will-never-Obey has spoken ! The Word is gone forth! Speak 1” I confess | was alarmed, and my fears were not diminish when two of the Skulrimehds (a sort of satire emne-SiereD came up to Coopgnr and me, and known. Certain it is that what he said roused the A frenzy of passion. They yelled and danced round ue.

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Jasvary 17, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. reas rae AN UNREHEARSED EFFECT. (By Owr Own Reciter.) I went to see the Pantomime this Christmas in our town. We laughed enough the opening night to bring the theatre down. The piece was Burleybumbo, | M the Old Giant, and his Men ; Fairy Starla At, Little Pop- sey, and Glen Demon of the The Supers were collected ' from the local talent || round, || And for Burleybumbo’s ser- vant the Blacksmith, toes To Burleybumbo Castle, where he ate them as he chose ! His minions, who wore 7 4 ome 2 2 hideous masks, had A > ye ‘ nothing much to say, Lan . \ “a! So an Irvine was not “fl Qin’ a ¥ wanted to do their part of the play. On this eventful night the house was packed A a coal to pit, And the Manager was jubilant at having made a hit. The Curtain drawin be revealed a flowery glade, In which the Fautry light and her lovely maidens played. ‘he wicked Demon then came on, and round the did No mortal man could e’er withstand his wrath or evil power. Last of all came Burleybumbo with his crew, a motley horde, Oar old friend, Blacksmith Jou, was in attendance on his lord. ay See ae ees, when a man rushed in to say That a dozen wealthy travellers were coming down that way. The band dispersed, and hid themselves, in hopes that they might Alas! now came the blunder: A walked about ights, he looked —but hark! a shout :— : — my——! Just come off! Hi, you! Who are you OHN * Not if I knowsh it, jolly old pal! I’ve only just come on!” Thus ‘ aving, he round the stage. Ihe Prompter’s heart 8 : He deals opens Cs matte Rerieyhionde’o man is — me off! Come from every wing was now the angry cry. “ Me off, indeed! Ob, would yer?” Gh’like to see the feller try |” Burleybumbo then y tried to drag him a Joun stove his paste with a most ing crack. The De een lade, ba Sey oy tere te t the waist, and at rompter bowled er; Advancing to the ** Confound you! , NOT INSIDE OUT. Farr Maiden, you’re You may comfort you've no rival to fear ; But you won’t take it ill if I feel it my duty To whisper a word of advice in your ear. Now, the word would be Sie—sieme Bo Seetighs io dauning, mor at any fe Tne it’s mere ithelly te, y remem oncom, fitfully yawning Outside in the street, finds b wey tatoo. You reck not at all of the hours that are fleeting Bok 9u atk for an © extra °—you can't be denied. “— ut thoug tless, nothings ma heart beating, Yet ri awfully cold for the outuide. Want st thenett, net ot Dane ip Se eaeene over, So if you find leisure to through this rhyme, When you order your in future endeavour To prevent any waiti being in time. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tue Publisher of The Century Illustrated Monthly Magazine, earnestly requests the reviewer, to his heart in the reddest of red ink, on a slip of on to the cover of the Magazine, : and quite mere than one column of “ Talleyrand’s OOS — of Talleyrand,—extracts rom whose memoirs are now ap- erg ap Cosmas ¢. I. nt f. a e say at present is this, that, if the secret and private Memoirs haven’t got in them any- thing more thrilling or eating. out of the merest common-place, than appears in this number of the C. J. M. M., then the Baron will say that he would prefer reading such contributions as M. de Biowirz's story of ‘* How he became a Special,” or The st ope b A the African Forest by Henny M. Sranwey in the same number of this Mag. What the Baron dearly loves is, Ertior Srock-1n-Trapes The Book-worm, always ook te to Book-worms, and almost as interesting to Book-grubs or Book-butterflies, By the way, the publishing office of Book-worm ought to be in Grub Street. For what sort of fish is The Book-worm an attractive bait? I suppose there are queer fish in the Old Book trade that can take in any number of Book-worms, as is shown from a modern ce, well and wisely commented upon in this very number for January, No. 35, which is excellent food for worms; the whole series, indeed, must be a very Diet of Worms, Success to the Book-worm! May it grow to double the size, and be a glow-worm, to enlighten us in the bye- paths of literature. ‘* Prosit/” says the I would that some one would write of Brownino’s work as Henny itten of Txwwreon’s. To the superficial and reader of the Laureate, the Baron, sitting by the fire on « winter’s night, the wind howling over the sea, the snow drifting apsinet the window, and being chucked chimney, and frizzling on the fire, says, Evers MatHews: ga donne a ** Come into = Garden, eg give me my "s by the tov ypoyor, while I sit company—my books, Our Mr. Grirrirues (CoesreEn, FITHES) bas been all the way and has written a lively its great merit. not to-night ; but in it, with bo beat of good ce, or, regarding it in t Brapsury, Aewsw, &

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |Jaxvary 17 1891, | ny ‘Uh | Wasi eh «tN {iui + =f seat ye 1 oe tT aims WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. Our Artist, "' Wait, HOW DO YoU LIKE THE PoRTRA Miss Bowny?! Tas Srrrens ane aut Otp Fatenps or yours, I Bevizve!” Miss Bunny (triumphantly). '‘ Yes; AND, ONLY THINK, IVR ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GuEss THEM ALL!” ARBITRATION. U P- TO- TIM E' TABLE, FROM THE NORTH. Seal, suddenly emerging tur “Morning Mineral | General | Traffic and “ » Sequitur F and Parl. | Express. (Even. Mail. Bur, you two lubbers, “po bE ge —| it signifies equalling and sq Edinburgh +". .) M. | 7 You’re argufying a good bit too fast there, Waverley Btation , “ llam. A Noon F | 9emu.L Whilst that wh which ou stand on seems wobbling. Carlisle ; 21! a4 = Yo "ll moe thought f ray hortly, the pair of you. es ky 4% B ll ae ive me a thought in the matter! alashi 45 “i 5 M. My interest ’s at stake, and it isn’t quite fair of you S me { ) Poet Beon ts Me to ignore ’midst yoar clatter. Motherwell . — (Stopped -4pm.C 319H 320N (| by riot) ) ify Mn+} = iy -~ ht oatng’s Han, Mates, St. Margaret's Works | 3°30 5D vos Do grant your prey, if I may —" Mates, —_. ee Rt ayy ve 11261 From slaughter some annual exempting ! a , » |t2°O0 P.M. ve ve I’m worried and walloped withou Aberfeld y. . » | 6 S eee out Until even family duties lil oe Pay roam : ss AM. 3 a.m. to ® —- is your trymen . . . 5 ore OO ines ae tales ontant oni Sb on. Aberdeen. . . 116 7 PM. ?E jlamK | O A—Takes delayed pig-iron ‘and third-class passengers. ae gm bm o tm mere —y 0 chance, Mates, of train stops here through breaking an ee i eourse make for ection, get under seats of carriages. Where sesso and humanity beckon. advance, Mates, E-Meving had a collision at the junction for Aber cruel] LS om dpe gers evan fishing the journey. —— mde = ther ie y auiting F —Starts under the m anagement of a —, and, owing to a anit if you are bent upon mutual “drubbing, misunderstanding, hes off to Aberdeca, without stopping; You baal quite have parted with reason. Mare genum, be blowed! That's all Bisinn’s big bow-wow, | another ates. Men can’t thus monopolise oceans. Diplomacy must find a compromise now , nam, eaten, Tran a starts, made up of ta and inggage-vans full And, well —I have told y Lae me arrears of parcels, first-class carriages, Post-office van, Give me a close- time,—1 shal be very er grateful — csal-trocks, and a wild beast show, the Direstors wishing to make And owe Bo encom! Wi more, Mates ? iy hay roy ery M—Train breaking down here, mail and rs fri “i, thik of be haf, be Mates ! only forward én by rotors, ying, acaen @ Trien and— swor, L us [ Dives under. | police intervention, train starts the day after to-morrow.

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———_—S=— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 17, 1891, > Se \ \ \ Wt Wl i D || Mm il a ull \ \ \ \ \\ \ ya Ca — PO Me aa a ARBITRATION. Tux Seat, “ BELAY, YOU TWO JOHNNIES!—AVAST QUARRELLING! GIVE ME A ‘CLOSE-TIME, AND LEAVE THE ‘SEA’ AN OPEN QUESTION.”

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Javany 17, 1891] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SHOCKING! Fair New-Englander (spending the Winter in the Old Country), ‘Om, waat A Love! AND Is 1c THe Fiast you HAve SHor THis Year, CarTarn Rasper?’ TOO CIVIL BY HALF; OR, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE. (A Drama Foundel—more or less—upon Facts.) ACT I.—“ PAST.” —Interior of the ~ iy Foe Department of the G.P.O. Employés engaged upon their work, hour for customary cessation of labour strikes. Official of a Higher Grade. Officers and Gentlemen, the exigencies of the Whi Public Service require your presence for some time longer. beg you to continue your work. A Hundred Employés, Never! (Aside.) Ha! ha! the employment of Female Clerks is avenged ! Off. (almost in tears). Reconsider your decision, I beg—I implore! Another Hundred Employés. Never! (Aside.) Seven hours a day and no longer—shall be secured at one fell swoop ! , Off. (with indescribable emotion). Oh, my country! Oh, my Savings Bank Depositors! Oh, my dignity of the Civil Service! [ Faints in the arms of faithful Employés, whils! the other Clerks defiantly depart. Tableau. ACT IL—** PRESENT.”—Magnificent apartments of the P.-M -Gen. in the G.P.O. Deputation of contrite Employés listening to the eloquent speech of their Official Chief. P. M. G. (in effect), I am delighted that you are such good fellows. Your conduct in owning that you were wrong in refusing to work after official hours, almost effaces 2 in the history of St. Martin’s-le- Grand, Let it be clearly erstood. that extra work is not compulsory, but, if not undertaken, may lead (as in the present instance) to immediate suspension, if not dismissal. Surely no one can object to that? (Contrite Officials express mournful approval.) And now good-bye, and A Happy New Year. As for the future—hope, my good friends, hope ! [Exeunt the contrite Employés, leaving the Officials of a Higher Grade agitating the nerves controlling their eyelids spasmodically. ACT III,—** FUTURE.”—Same Scene as Act I. Venerable Employés discovered, after twenty years’ further service. First Venerable Employé. Remember the words spoken a score of winters ago —Hope, brother Second Venerable é. Yes—Hope, brother, hope! [As the Scene closes, the entire Establishment are left continuing the self- sustaining, but rather profitless employment, indefinitely. Curtain. A Son of the Pool, By the Author of A! Daughter of the Pyramids, Charles Reene. Born Aveust 10, 1823. Drep Janwvany 4, 1891. Wuat words avail to honour friends departed, Gone from the gatherings which so long they graced ? What phrase seems fit when comrades =O Mourn a loved presence late by death displaced ? Not rank’s trim pleasaunce, parades of fashion wrote Heelan she ra gh Toil trempe, free bausbems Gaewe, aan wastrels stray. Therein his magic pencil laboured gladly, Fixing for ever on his chosen page In forms fond memory now reviews so sadly The crowded pageant of a passing age. ! pie humours of the parlonr, , and street ; Coe, eee eeak sod satber tect, Irish unction and cajolery, ’s wiles, Deacondom's of ; om’s wiles, pomp of port Scotch Wai Rustic simplicity, ” The of Service and the fun of Sport ; And all with such true art, so fine, unfailing, Of touch so certain, and of charm so fresh, As to lend dignity to Cabmen To fustianed clods and fogies full of flesh. Nor kuman humours only ; who so tender Of tease wien Soa ature out-of-doors | Wooed his deft il? Who like him could render Meadow or w, turnip- field, or moor ? 's suburban OT bowery roadway Sle te _Tron-railed u where ps "Glare rye mace dense and ? All with that broad free whose fascination All felt, and artists most, dexterous sleight ich gave our unchallenged consumma’ Of graphic mastery in Black-and- White. Pi t to dwell on, and a Sow the iced hend that shaped that world is stil, Leaving an ineffaceable Upon the age that fired its foree and skill. oured abroad as loved at how ample, on a as nme ; H Te pociog getante ties ‘o pushing q a high example, egotist parade A calm rebuke to See Li iiend, Peaceful he lived and peacefully A gentle life-course, with a gracious en I ble loss to sorrow "Eat mn Bee ard te mn, And who had hoped for a sunny morrow To greet thet gallant opirit in the van. That — spare form, that curl-crowned head, the Of su hands behind it as he sat, That pa mt face-wrinkling smile like sunshine flitting, The droll, uotation dry comment, the q ; The small oft-loaded of ancient moulding, wee ae the well-loved weed ; shall forget who once was ho coal See ny the bend’nee still indeed Farewell, great artist, comrade staunch and loyal! Few simpler lives our feverish age hath seen. . Con tener ot nenery of Cuanrtes Keune ?

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*smoosySnU 247uL 2uL0009 Apueppns s49¢v}-2p 99-pynom 24} 77) pu 0} sayvnw Wy sng fo 42) NY -2WLOZT 9Y) 949 4 “STINIM NWA did<O 3HL JO VZNVOVAVYLX] a 3HL WOU 3N30S8 Wi iy NIN8OD ees

[January 17, 1891.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

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Jaxuary 17, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 35 THE SHAH (LEFEVRE) AND THE SULTAN. — VER a series of weeks preceding Christ- | heard o by rumours | 5 mas, Europe was disturbed of a momentous interview re mperial Majesty the Surtanx. The other was an English Statesman, the trusted counsellor of an Ex-Premier, and believed in family circles to be the real author of some of his measures. The naturally retiring dis- position of the Statesman in question, and his inviolable reticence in respect of any matter concerning himself, made it difficult to arrive at the truth. Doubtless stupendous event—the ble consequences of which on European affairs Time will work out have remained for ever hidden but for the ruthless action of ‘‘ the London Correspon- dents of various provincial papers, who gave in their London letters more or less inaccurate s of the event.” How they came to know anything about it admits of only one conclusion. The Suitaw must have told them. The event was too important to be left to this haphazard kind of record, and, povensinnty, the Speaker bas been favoured with a narrative of what took the signa’ disclosing the fact that the other party to the interview was the Suan Larsvan. The SH, 8's account, ed as a record of « historical event, is manifestly hampered by that modest and insatiable desire for self-effacement which marks this —_a Or = - oneaey “ ope Ley plank Say: ae approaching” the Suan, “ suggesting to him oug. apply for on sudienen” We see him ““deolints to do so on the ground that, having taken an active part in the agitation in land on the subject of the Bulgarian atrocities in 1877, it would not be right that I should thrust myself on the attention of the Sutran.” It is y ht at Stamboul and elsewhere that Mr. GLapstone was chiefly responsible for the memorable agitation referred to. But the San is not the man to hide the truth. Also, *‘I wished to be free to ray what I thought about the condition of Turkey on my return to England.” That was only fair to waiting England. No use the SuitaN trying to “ nobble” this relentless man. So it came to pass that he went to the Palace, reluctant, but ‘‘ feeling we could not refuse such a command from the Sovereign of the country.” He talked with Cuaxre Pacaa and Wanan Errenpi; saw the Surran’s horse; h about for hours; no Surraw appeared ; went back to hotel quivering under insult. Had framed telegram ordering the British Fleet to the when Vsmefay turned up, pale and trembling ; besought the Suan to do ing-rash ; explained it was alla mistake. This followed up by invitation to dine at the Palace the following day. . All this, and what followed at the dinner; how there were “‘ excellent wines, i ”; how the Suita, concentra H, and apes Wy ~~ Harzison, who had, obscurity, paid court is powerful ; received him on the dais, and — cunningly, though ine Potually, be endeavoured to secure on the spot the evacuation of is in the Suan’s delicious narrati ve, Mr. Punch, in the thrilling interest this disclosure has created throughout the civilised world, has been anxious to complete the record by olementing the Suan’s account of the interview, with the SuLTaN’s own version. This was, at the outset, difficult. Obstacles were thrown in the way, t they were overcome by the pertinacity and ingenuity of Our ta- tive, who at last found himself seated with the Suuraw on the ais from | | which SHan Lerxvex had conferred with his Imperial Majesty whilst other of | the forty guests, ‘including the Austrian Ambassador,” looked on, green with envy. ‘* It’s a curious thing,” said the Suzraw, laying down a book he had been reading when Our Representative cater, ren yee San Gams, I come upon a reference yoae gees Doak fn Statesman. Yeu eas line in a — “*Oh the dreary, drear Lervzvne! Oh the barren, barren Suaw!’” “* That,” Our Representative writes, ‘‘ is not precisel the line as I remember it; but I make it a sale aon ay pode nay 1 Majesty ao proceeded: “‘And so, m good Cousin, Mr. Pune, wants to know all about this interview, the bruit of way, and within the limi ioe teen e En a Somehow thin got e before, bu ho had talking to Wa who, had seen Woops Pacna, who had spent an hour with Vampénr, upon whom Suan Lersvar had called, that the Suan was really the mainspring of the Liberal P in Eng- land, GLapstowe being merely figure-head, Harcourt in his pay, and CuamneRtamw suffering in exile under his displeasure, Allah is Good! Here was a chance thrown into my hands. I forgot all about Freperice Harrison ; told Cuazrm Pacna and Wanan Errerni = fae aoe Renee ees See and ci im out on Arm . Meanwhile I crops under the safe, and heard every tard. The San very stern about Armenia, could not be drawn about Egypt. At end of hour and half began to tired under sofa; to stick in Wann yrenpi's Wellington boot a note, on which I written, ‘Take him to see my horse.’ So they went off to stable, and, as soon as coast was clear, I out ; Out maeed to Se Seam toy wast of dog. after- wards that they came back, the Sian much impressed with appearance of my horse; resumed conversation on Armenia and pt for another hour; at last got rid of Suan. “At night Vampfay, as melon-reller, entered Pa and gained access to my room. Told me fearful mess been made of matters. The Suan really dida’t care about seeing the horse; wanted to see me. Talks about ordering round the Fleet. ‘ Better ask him to dinner,’ said Vamefny; so despatched Grand Cham berlain in carriage and six. The Suan mollified; gave him a good dinner: plenty of electric lights. Afterwards he was good enough to see me on the dais. Tried to get him to promise alteration in attitude of English Liberal Party towards me; wanted him to settle at once withdrawal of troops from But, though most urbane in manner, exceedingly cautious. Not to be drawn. Talk about Kastern statecraft! nothing to you English, as represented by your Suan Lerevnes. When I pressed him to come to t about Egypt, he raid, ‘On this subject I can only my own views. I am not authorised to speak on behalf of those I am politically associated with, but poms I am to the occupation of eyo English troops.’ There’s an answer for you! Your Socuzaventen, your TALLEYRANDS not in it. Felt I had wasted some time, and oye ower a dinner ajl for nothing, except the memory that ever rest with me of having been pri to see this remarkable man standing on my dais.” Here the Sutraw clapped hands three times, and Our Representative, beng carefully placed in a sack was dropped into the whence he was rescued in time to send off this for publication in the current Number. call, him been Accipent on THE Ice.—The other day a gentleman, well known in the world of Sport and pot, wes rkating on and fell in with afriend. Both were getting on well when our reporter left.

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36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jawvary 17, 1891. Birthday Speech at Hawarden “AndI do not hesitate to betray to you month Great George Street, Westminster, when ther Lawson.” C7 looking at me.’ I1’D BE A CRIMINAL. A Sone or tae Rowine Seysarion, Tune—J'd be a Butterfly. I’p be a criminal, born in a slum, I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious sweet. Offers of marriage I’)] get in full And fools in my cause in their will meet. And scribes on my case will airy And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, ’ Those I have butchered will get scant atten- Interest ’s sure to be cen’ in me. (tion, Painters will picture me, may mention, Beauties discuss me at five rhe f tea. H ists swear | was somebody’s too And tion Will promptly be Murder—and good Dr. Liteots of Nancy Will back you, Laszvyize will help I’d bea M He is the only true Hero G. O. M. (to himself). “T hope Lawson isn’t meet ; . For when to the court for my trial I come They ’ll trot out each new “scientific” vagery, 4 Some hope of escape to my prison to bring, i sportive and {or sing. Mad doctors will fight o’er my mental con- dition I’m condemned, why a ee and fool. signed by each faddist the other witticisms recorded above, should erer, that is my fancy. [away. to-day ! this secret, that not infrequently in the summer when winding my way homewards after | midnight, sometimes very long after it, from the | House of Commons, I have stopped my course for | gest, that were it in Ireland, one might seea a moment by the side of the drinking fountain in nobody to look at me, and have ind in the refreshing drought which was there me, feeling at the same time that I was not performing any action which could expose me to the resent- ment or displeasure of my excellent friend whose name is well known to you all—Sir Witraip Extract from Report of the G.O. M’s THE AMUSING RATTLE’S TOPICAL NOTE- (For the Use of Diners-out and other Ama- teur Entertainers.) The Strike in Scotland.—You might sug- raid way out of it, or rather in it. jest may be expected to be appreciated by a par- son's wife of the sharper sort. Something eae be pnt out of the visit of the agitator Bugns to North. Example of what can be done in this direction :—** People who play with fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect Bunns.”’ However, be careful not to say this te a Scotchman, or he may want blood before you get to the cigarettes. | your ; f orth Britons are very jealous of the reputa- } | | | | | | | | and Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my | and intimate terms) are ga Sal Polenta cine Oh be denen shower my talk I ; 7 i | for the Railwa jok . the subject. Y Reine jokes upon su ou see, in off your witticism at a Scotchman, you an have to explain that it was a joke. You might also hint that it was “hard lines” r the Companies concerned ; but this will gloom rather than gaiety amongst who have invested in Cale- doniansand North British. If you talk about the riots in connection with the movement, you might say that the pugnacious rioters | remind you of safety matches, ‘‘ for they not only strike, but ike on the box!” he Parnell Negociations in France. — You can say ing about O’Brren’s invitation to Mr. Panwertt to pay him an i isi French coast, reminds you of the once popular song, *‘ Meet me by Moonlight, Boulogne.” If you are told that **Boulogne” should be “ Alone,” return, ‘* Precisely—borrowed a word— Boulogne was a loan.” This ought to go with roars. At a Smoking Concert you might suggest that . O'Brrew was just the man to settle a quarrel, because even when he was in prison he took an absorbing interest in the proper adjustment of breeches ! The Row at the Post Office.—As the Savings’ Bank Department has for years been the Cinderella of the Civil Service, this is a subject that will not create much interest ; however, you might possibly extract a plea- santry out of the name of the present Post- master-General in connection with the now- i : appeased employés. With a little trouble you Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness should be mite te say something quite spark- | ling about what the “‘ officers” hoe to Raikes ! P ese Difficulty in Africa. — Rather a subject at a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on particularly affectionate thered together Say you have got to the dessert, and you start the subject. Observe that it is fortunate that the Sutran or Turkey is not interested in the matter, or there would be further trouble md ag Serge a —_. Why?” y, taking up a le of wine to point our wi jefe. would it not bea second ifficulty with the Porte, you geese?” To make jest perfect, connect Turkey in en with the dindon aux marrons, of which you will have just partaken. The Weather.—lf forced to fall back upon this venerable subject (which should only be broached in the wilds of Cornwall, or other equally primitive spots), of course you can | speak of a hard frost being ‘“‘an ice day for a hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at ie If the weather breaks, you may observe, ** You thaw so,” but not when you have to shout the quibble through the ear- trumpet of a deaf old maid. And this, with pone 4 you (by desire) into the middle of next A Deapty Kiss.—The Hotch-kiss. A PANTOMIMIC REVERIE. (By a@ “‘ Slippered Pantaloon,”) Tax-Gatnerers molest one’s door, The streets are choked with messy mist ; I’m the verbial Bachelor, _An old, prosaic Pessimist. Yet somehow—who can tell me why ?— Urged by the Past’s dim Phantom, I’m Disposed my cosy Club to fly, And mine f ip abdin Ponteasiene. A Phantom weird of Ging» forgot ! My mother, proud Sweet io-aal The at her my fear to miss —my thrill when in— he Fairy Queen, the jolly King— The laughter flung at Harlequin, And Pantaloon arollicking. And sister Pau, and brother Tim, ([ searcely recollected Magnificent in gala trim them), Dear me, how I respected them ! I deemed them quite Seemed they, glar up, 8o bold so defiantly : Yet they, too, cowered to behold Prone before Jack the Giant lie. Yes! Where is Tr, where Pave, alack! Where mother fondly pliant now ? Where for that matter too is Jack, And where the grisly Giant now ¢ In lonely stall, with vacant brow I sit and eye the coryphées: In my time they were Fairies ; now They seem to me but sorry fays. The pageantry is twice as The wealth of wealth em d, And yet this is not elfinland But great Aveustvus Hargis’s. The dlasé children vote it flat, When Mister Clown cries, “*Here’sago!” Yes, there’s the box where erst we sat And laughed so, sixty years ago. The very box: I think, you know, The reason 1’m so queer Is merely because lon to-night ago 7 Here faces were not here to-night. I’d best be off——Bless me! no lown ? No Stage ?—no Past invidious ? No Orchestra ?—but sicaply Brown Snoring the midnight hideous | No Drury Lane ?—no tinsel flare ?— No pirouetting Bogeydom ?— Only a Club, and one who there Forgot in sleep his F dom ! Welcome my Scene ; I’m dull once more, and every Old Bachelor like me, I ween, May muse at times his reverie. there will be ne exception. im no case be returned, not even when GH MWOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any descri accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. tion, will To this rule Dl Contains Ter DIA) “Certa: TURE, } Mk DELICI y WHo: THE PRI Gun UI WHE PSED IN

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Sg OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Janvanr 17, 1891.

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Janvary 24, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 37 ee MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. No. XI.—THE MATE OF THE MARLINSPIKE. (By Swank Musseut ; Author of ‘' Brect with @ Stove in Her,” “ My Gyp made to wheex,” ‘' The Romance of a Penny Parlour,” “A Hook for the Bannock,” ‘* Found the Gal on Fire,” ‘‘ The Mystery of the Lotion Jar,” ‘‘ The Jokes o’ Lead,” dc., dc,, dec.) (“Here you are, my pow writes the Author, “this is a regular briny ocean story, all storms and thunderclaps and sails and riggin and soaring masts and bellying sails. How about ‘avast heaving’ and ‘shiver my timbers,’ and ‘son of a sea-cook,’ and all that? No, thank you; that kind of thing ’s played out. Marryat was all very well in his day, but that day's gone. The ublic requires stories about merchant ships, and, by Neptune, the public shall have them, with all kinds of hairy villains and tempest-tossed wrecks and human interest and no end of humour, likewise word-pietures of ships and storms, That’sme, So clear the decks, and here goes.”’] Cuarrer I, WE were in mid-ocean. Over the vast expanses of the oily sea no ripple was to be seen ali Captain Bassisam kept his binoculars saloon clock. Far away in the fe murky distance of the my = SS rr pape a single star flashed with a weird brilliance down upon the death-like stillness of the immemorial ocean. Yet the old Marlinspike was rolling from side to side and rising and falli as if the liquid expanse were stirred by the rush of a tempest instead of lying as age ae | as congrega uring sermon. Suddenly Copies "4 closed his inoculars with an snap, and turned to Te, § face showed of a dark purple under his white cotton ni oP “The silly old ship,” he mut- tered, half to himself and half to me, “is trying to heavy weather of it; but I’ll be even with her, I'll be even with her.” “You'll find it a very odd t ‘ said to him, “yy t me like é sprang at me a sea- horse, and reared himself to his fall height before me. _*Come, Mr. Tuerey,” he con- tinued, speaking in a low, mean- ing voice, “can you take a star?” ‘Sometimes,’ I answered, humouring his strange fancy ; ‘but there’s only one about, it seems a deuce of a long wa: off—however, [’ll try;” an with that, I reached my arm up in the direction of the soli herby cm pry taps | e in its kling, mirrored far below in the | indigo flood of the a yamal vee, while «grey seud came sweeping Up, no one quite knew whenee, and hung about the glossy face e | silent luminary like the of a wedding veil, scattered by a honey-moon quarrel across deep spaces far beyond the hairy | coamings of the booby-hatch. “Fool!” said the Captain, softly, ‘‘I don’t mean that. If you, can’t take a star, can you keep a od “ Well, as to that, Captain,” said I, balf shocked and half amused | at his strange questionings, ‘‘I never take my own out in a crowd. | i | one of Dent's best, given me by my aunt, and I’ve had it for nig upon——” But the Captain had left me, and was at that moment engaged on his after-su occupation of jockeying a lee yard-arm, while the first mate, Mr. SowsTsr, was om b, best to keep , with his rough commanding officer by dangling to windward on the flemish horse, which, as it was touched in the wind and gone in the forelegs, stumbled violently over the buttery hatchway and hurled its venture- some rider into the hold. Cus II On the following morning we were all sitting in the tial saloon of the Marlinspike. We umnall tan, all he characters, thet fo to say, necessary for the completion of a first class three-volume ocean novel, On my right sat the ca: Indian Colonel, a small man with a fierce face and a tight » who roars like a bull and though levelled at the silent horizon for three-quarters of an hour by the! planet, which lay in the vast , like a small silver candlestick, | says, ‘* Zounds, Sir,” on the test D pecy nese Opposite to him was his wife, a Roman-nosed lady, with an imperious manner, and a Sea ee ae of curling her lip. On my left was the funn ey og ee at any momen a . or the steward. Further down the tobe. ion brought on board specially in with the fluffy- , and pouting was also the stout And beside whose eyes are of the rich assortment of moe of her , or by ten days in an open boat. shall then secure your love, my peerless ARAMINTA, and you will marry me and turn out as soft and gentle as the moss-rose which now nestles in your raven tresses. The Colonel was speaking. ** Zounds, Sir!” he was saying. ‘I don’t know what you mean by effects. All mine are on board. do you say, Mr. Tuctry?”’ he went on, looking at me with a look full of corkscrews and broken glass, while his choleric face showed of a purple hue under the we Well, Colonel,” I replied = onel,” I replied, in an off-hand 80 as not to irritate him, Cuarrer III. I rounp the place in my note- k, cleared my voice, and began. **The ship was sailing gloriously a press of canvas. filer mastetay-sail “I know that f ‘oretopmas sail,” said the funny man, suddenly, I withered him with a look, and turned over the page. ‘* Here,” I said, “is another tip-eape. What do you think of this for a storm ?—‘ The liquid acclivities were rising taller, and more threatening. With a scream of passion the tortured shi hurled itself at their deep-green crests. Cascades of rain, and hail, and snow, were dashing down upon her unprotected bulwarks. The inky sky was one vast thunder-clap, out of which the steely shaft of an electric flash Fe its dazzling path into the heart of the raving deep. The seud—— : ‘*I know that soud,” said a hateful voice. But, before I could annihilate its owner, the pale face of Mr. Sr1txinos, with his dead- eyes turned in, dashed breathlessly into the saloon. ‘‘ By all that’s holy,” he shouted, ‘‘the Captain’s gone mad, and the crew have thrown off all disguise. We are manned by ourang-outangs! Cuarrer IV. Never shall I forget the horrors of the scene that ensued. We clewed up the mizzen royal, we the upon its heels. The second and a tail of men hauled upon Nothing availed. We had to be wrecked and wrecked y as I clasped Anamunra’s trustful head to my breast, the pale luminary sailing through the angry wrack gli in phantasmal splendour on the seud which {Here the MS. ends unaceountably.—Ep. Punch.) VOL, ¢, gE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Conceal AN INTERESTED PARTY. ww ™ > : MO, jf ) : £ . | Malin ire i) . ' : y Ye H n : Wik Xs y Mi” . . SS WAN ~ _ St. Berna: ds Deg (confi. entially to Mr. Chaplin), “ Never isp THe OLD Woman ; LET’s KEEP THE MozZLE on FoR A YEAR AND HAVs DONE WITH IT!”

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Jaxvary 24, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL CANINE CONFIDENCES. Clever Dog, to the Minister of Agriculture, loquitur :— PorrrrERr, put the muzzle on! Potterer, take it off again ! That isnot the way, my 50 rue rabies to restrain. As to self-styled “ friends oP dove” too preposterous by Who object to all restraint, they deserve on seat or calf ne sharp nip. It is doggish interest hydrophobia to stamp out ; "Tis « curse to us canines ; thet no person well can doubt They who think we doggies share old maid's sentimental Just as though Me seplig wove 9 dag's goivdiegs to go mad, Muzzles are a bore, of course, rather troublesome at times, But I’d rather have my nose made incapable of crimes, go free, ba Lag chance of “‘ going f off, as ‘giving friend or oe al And be clubbed to ry 3A or os murdered i in my master's . n’t suit me / Never mind the fussy fru the old women of each sex ; Better raise their read ready wrath than t than the pogenians public vex Muzzles now and collars then, martial feodane soon relaxed ; Men rebel when with poy oe they are tied, or teased, or tax Else they ’re fools. Keep the rp i a year, regularly, and all round, Every d h breed, mongrel puppy, whelp or hound, ill give thanks To the Minister who Al hydrophobia to stamp out Once for all o’er all the land, with consistency, and without Pottering pranks! Mr. Guam, take my tip! Science speaks in the same So deen te true Pave. | to to have effect i i. Heed not that old woman ++ pombe 6 her spoilt and yelp I for every dog of a— wo Ocod- dey speak, you be rv [ Trots out, saafertably muzzled, an anne mpg: see, - some ner a e present Inspector appoin i the Infant Ete Pee Protection Act is ‘* Mr. aoe. ” a mutine little rose-bud of a mouth, with ite ever-mockin ear, trying to play hide-and-seek in a tangled maze o while, from underneath the satin folds of a rose-thé dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper,” &c., &c. f iA Yy onl j; as —r— ———_ eS i ae TY 1 ou THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION. The Fair Authoress of ‘‘ Passionate Pauline,” gazing fondly at her own reflection, writes as follows :— “T look into the glass, Reader. What do I see? “I see a pair of laughing, espiegle, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant ; moue ; o tiny shell-like rebellious russet gold ; (Vide “' Passionate Pauline,” by Fevtion,) A COMING MEETING. (Reported from the wate Intelligence of 1892.) Tae Chairman, who on the proceedin a feeble chorus of melancho. eelendele ane groans, said that he fi was received with he had no ers, (‘* ony en) Bates ia aiid> wae a-annten al ae n't say that that was that they n't could not say anything about the s vs which the train would travel, but that, with tsme, it would do the distance he had little, if that in ares Lhe ae tona rm oy line the train came to a dead halt in egy first tunnel, sengers had to descend in the dark and grope their way out to Pihe nearest station as well as they could, but this unsatisfactoryexperience would in no way deter them from — the experiment on their own behalf. (Jeers.) Hewas oo eee ordinary stock of the Com y, which, a twelvemon had touched 128§,—could not now any doubt. It is true y; ® single inch to. the men. (Oh! oh!” and a Voice, | find pu in the Market at 7. (Groans.) But he hoped for better Oh! we've enough of‘ that’!”) It is alsotrue that this firm denen (“ ony / voh /”) But, come what he would hold fast and unflinching front had necessitated some sacrifice, had | by his which were, ‘‘ No Compromise, No Meeting Half- involved the Company in no little ay a Prolonged groans.) | w Xo meee No Concession !” Men Prion might starve, Trade He was sorry to note these manifestations, for he had not only to | oo way, So Ar Country come to ruin, the Company disa in t of any dividend, even Renkeunter, but he cared not. The Directors font their foot non-paymen to the holders of the Compan s Debenture Stock, but he hed further | 4 , and, wheth ht or wrong, whatever happened pt Bw SF ee in: Oak, attang So emus Gientiy ie ing the account mesek, wil whether right or wrong. whatever happe of their coal contractors, last had a to Bown &. them, and had seized not only all the contents of their refreshment-| The ran a soning a hg sat, a nro Bsn tn at cin tt the, Spe | acc caning tao oot ada, oe y ’ possessed, and which they had up to now bidden in the eloak-room considerable conf ty i nm , The ‘‘ Strait” Tip. ya ‘ Ater.) They might meet the statement with a mani- Ox, ee eee ee estation of ridicule—but was the case. It was with a sense of That for your country’ Roald ink pride in their method of triumphing over difficulties, that he But, clever Yankee, Punch announced to the meeting, that a train of cattle-trucks would Not to be quite so over- Be: New Vension.—Every dog must have his—year (of muzzling).

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Janvary 24, 1891. THE GAME OF PEACE. April.—Grand informal meeting of the Crowned Heads of Europe with tho CzaR in the chair) to discuss a scheme of general di ment, at which the Em by the announcement delay, a perpetual display of fireworks is i St. Petersburg, Berlin, Pari named capital ineluding a gi Battles of the World, which is given i evening at the Crystal Palace for three months, Piccadill i illuminated from 6 P.m. to 3 a.m. by the continuous Sedeoe coloured rockets. mber.—The last 101-ton gun having been melted down for the forging of the metal piles for one of the four newly-projected Channel bridges, a nasty international feeling, fermen‘ y Officers who are obliged to sw i and drive four- cabs for a livelihood,—and who do not iteelf, and diplomacy intervening irritably only to make matters several ultimatums are dispatched from Powers to others, but owing to the want of soldiers, the matter into the hands of International Solicitors, , arranging a stand-up fight for the President of the French Republic and the Czar against the Emperors of Germany and Austria, and the Kuve of Iraty, the matter somehow falls through for the moment, and the public excitement subsides. October.— General note from all the Great Powers to each other announcing their secession from the ‘‘ League of P. ” and declar- ing their intention of resortin in to “* Protective Armament” as soon as possible. War iodenel a round before the end of the month. is pat VOCES POPULI. AT THE GUELPH EXHIBITION. In toe Cenrrat Hatt. A Tuty Visitor (on entering). Catalogue? No. What's the use of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of a tract, that tells you nothing you don’t know! His @ (indicating a pile of Catalogues on table), Aren't these big enough for you ? The Thr. V. Those? Why, they’re big enough for the London Doatere! Think I’m going to y Mn a thing like that about the place? You don’t really want a it’s all fancy! Mr. Prattler (to Miss Awersoy). do stop and look at these sweet goldfish! Pets! Don’t you love them? Aren't they tame? Miss Ammerson. Wouldn't do to have them wild—might jump out and bite people, you know | Mr. P. It’s too of to make fun of m little - oy =| Pe sadin-veulie "t we get contig Pot feed em f-— 8) Miss A. 1 daresay you could get ham-sandwiches in the Restau- rant—or chocolates. to ! Bat I , (Wilfully.) Ishall come 4 a ~~ - — Eh of GeRMany creates a profound sensation at, as a hint to his brother Monarchs, he has himself pe i on to the retired list, burnt his -hat, disbanded the Pomeranian Grenadiers, and confined Herr Kavrr : —like a tea-gown without any upper rifles melted down, and recast, utilised part—frightful ! - a . ghtfu forthe production of Se at A Sceptical V. They all seem to have had such thin lips in those pn, AL in a to all days. Senschow, I gen's bring myself to believe in such very thin : ‘ : pe—can you, dear : a attending the ey Her Friend. | always think it’s a sign of meanness, myself. * Stocks of the coe. _ School = the|: The 8. V. No; but 1 mean—I can’t believe everyone had them 7 of woene utilised for in the eighteenth century. ? — rae breil codon” walking- |" Her Friend. Oh, I don’t know. If it was the fashion! August.—It being resolved to use up all the gunpowder without ve times successively every Great big ones! Are you determined to take me into that bi _ all the Portraits? We en, ou must tell me who are, and which are the Gusivhtect ones, _ In tHE Rorat Room. Considerate Niece (to Uncle). They seem mostly Portraits here. You’re sure you don’t mind looking at them, Uncle? I know so many le do object to Portraits. Uncle (with the air of a Christian Mi ). No, my dear, no; I don’t mind’em. Stay here as long as you like. I'll sit down and look at the le, till you ’ve done. First Critical Visitor (examining a View of St. James’s Park). I wonder where that was taken. In { expect—there ’s two ders there, you see, C. V. Shouldn't wonder—lot o’ work in that, all those different colo and so many dresses. [Admires, shought/aly A Weill-r Woman, That *s Queen Cuantorre, that Grorcs THE Turep’s wife, you know—her that was so domestic. Her Companion. Wasn't that the one that was shut up in the Tower, or something ? _ The W. W. In the Tower? Lor, my dear, no, J never ’eard of it. You’re thinking of the Tupors, ’ that lot, I expect! Her Comp. Am I never could remember ’Istry. Why, if you’ll believe me, I always have to stop and think which of the Gzorexs came first! More Critical Visitors (before Portraits). He’s rather pleasant- looking, don’t you think? I don’t like Aer face at all. So peculiar. And what a hideous dres Axnout THe CasEs. Visitor (admiring an embroidered waistcoat of the time of GeorcE tHE Sreconp—a highly popular exhibit), What lovely work! Why, it looks as if it was done yesterday ! i , Her Companion (who is not in the habit of allowing his enthusiasm to run away with him). Um—yes, it’s not bad. But, of course, they wouldn’t send a thing like that here without having it washed and done up first ! An Old Lady. ‘‘Tea-pot used by the Duke of WktLINcToN during his campaigns.” So he d tea, didhe? Dear me! Do 1" know, my dear, I think I must have my old tea-pot engraved. t will make it so much more interesting some day ! Iy tHe SovurH GALLERY. Mr. Prattler (before a Portrait of Lady Hamttron, by Romney). There! Isn’t she too ¢ ing? Idocall hera perfect duck! Miss Ammerson, Yes, you mustn’t forget her when you bring those biscuits. , An Amurrcan Girl, Father, see up there; there’s Brron. Did you erver see such a purrfectly beautiful face ? ; Her Father (solemnly). He was a beautifal Man—a beautifal Poet. The A. G. | know—but the expression, it’s real saint-like! Father (slowly). Well, I guess if he’d had any different kind of cxpesetion, he wouldn’t have written the things he did write, and t’s a fact! A Moralising Old Lady (at Case O). No.1260. ‘“ Ball of Worsted wound by Wiit1am Cowper, the poet, for Mrs. Unwin.” No. 1261. ** Netting done by Witt1am Cowper, the poet.”” How very nice what a difference in the habit of literary persons nowadays, my dear! In roe Cenreat Hatt.—Mr. Wutrenose, a Jacobite fin de siécle, is seated on a Bench beside a Seedy Stranger. The &. 8. (half to himself). Har, well, there’s one comfort, these ’ere GuELPHS’ || get notice to quit afore we ’re much older Mr. Whaterose (surprised). You say so? Then—you too are of the Young England Party! I am rejoiced to hear it. You cheer me; it is a sign that the good Cause is advancing. The S. 8. Advancin’? I believe yer. Why, I know a dozen and more as are workin’ ’art and soul for it! — : Mr. W. Youdo? Weare making strides, indeed! Our England has suffered these usurpers too long. The S. 8. Yer right. But we'll chuck ’em out afore long, and it’ll be ‘‘ Over goes the Show” with the lot, eh ? ' Mr. W.1 had no idea that bar Go MBemge (oy artisan classes heartily with us. We must talk more of this. Br friends—all depend Here i we Bri our fri ou can w ere is m The 8. 8. ( putting ihe cord in the inion of his hat). Right, Guy'nor; we'll come. I wish there was more gents like yer, I 2. W. Weare united by a common bond. We both detest we not ?—the Hanoverian inter We are both ! —do Mr. P. How unkind all by myself, and bring biscuits. to rest until we have brought back to the throne beloved

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Janvary 24,°1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. E her lawful sovereign lady—(uncovering)—our Mant {Austria ate, the legitimate descendant Wy ay The 8. 8. oad on, Gavan! i od fur as doing away with these VELPHS ; but blow yer Mary of Orstria, yer know. Blower! Mr. lineal denen ush—this i ‘cos ili Remember— . &. What of it? There won't be no lineal descendants | when E, ‘git ~~ - won't be nothing to descend to nobody. T suv’rin we mean to ’ave is the People—the Democrisy. Butt you’re young, - and my friends ’ll soon tork IL T got yer adden, aod we'll I dessay we ain’t fur apart, as it is. gg? neem and we’ Il drop in on yer some night —never fear 0’ course ? Mr. W. Of course. Lali look cot for you. But I’m seldom in —hardly ever, in fact. The 8. 8. Don’t you fret about that. Me and my friends ain’t | been I should nothing to do just now. We'll wait for By like yer to know ole Brit Gass. You should "ear that fi goin’ Mr. W. (alone). I comfortable! Wall, well,—another yy = my rooms—and I was so orth aatalllen Go the Cousot OUR BOOKING-OFFICE,. THERE was a bronze group by Porter among the specimens of sculpture in the French twenty years a ago,— Tt may be more or less an hour or so,” as the poet sings,—representing a female pene tegemeess ~ iho enuhanee of 0 vethe rather ovil- perm Angel. It illustrated a y the Vicomte a DE NY, which I remember read- ; en ‘o ne + pmweny a this very tue having come into my 4) session (it was afterwards Jd at Messrs. Manson & ‘Woops, under the style and title of "Lot 121, Elsa”), and it occurs to me that it was on pre- cisely the same theme as the other ALFrEp’s—not the Vicomte but Mister Atrrep AvstTIn’s— ** The Tower of Babel,” which whee have just read with much plea- aoe with some profit ; the —"s as —~ take it, being favour- able to ae Sempenanen hrm asa warning against all spirits, good, bad, or indifferent. ael, the inhabitant of a distant star, falls in love with Noema, e wife of the atheistical Babelite Aran, to whom she has pes ep aged in the poem, as far as I can make |i out, about eight years, and a fine boy for that. Anyhow, it makes Noema at least twenty-five, 4 married at sweet seven- teen, and, indeed, she alludes t in the poem as no longer in her first youth. Well, Aran, who is very far from being a domestic character, is struck down by avenging li at the destruction of the Tower protected in the orélee bythe Spirit Afraes taking hi vomel hoot pro in the mélée by ael’s m out of it, an restoring him to his mother’s arms. after this, the infatu- ated spirit-lover Afrael requests Noema to say the word which shal! make a man of him, alt a husband of him too at the same time, she modestly refuses, until she has had a decent time to order her widow’s weeds at her milliner’s and wear them for about a month or 80, at the expiration of which interval Fe pieced may, if he be still of the same mind, call in again, and ny question. Afrael bids good- -bye to the U ouse, and, his heart being ever true to ry gen Noema—he returns, makes an evening u m her, an her, in effect, “‘Is it to be ‘Yes-ema,’ or mt Boh Ln errata 9 over renouncing immortali >» &é., Ziving up & becomes plain Mr. ren wae codnat’ as pga as any judge, 8 vey ord ‘ieee oo a ae ef spirits can effect in a constitution. Now dealt Ytho ts peas “een tinued in our next.” I should like to hear how they got got on 4 spirite? Did his wife never make tare” | wi with whom he had formerly been Seaunintolt A ‘And ho Eovesees listen his step-son ? Did they have eeaiiy? olnecs avis? friends are with yer so | tellin call | I am, poses ai in addition, that the Perhaps Mr. ALraep Austin (whose works are MacMILLay in a was Owen Menepir “go as py ore mare Yeas serie rumptuout eat may soem to 7. Phonvian, 6 Bet a. eth Rywers would ve panmees Si thrilling Mr. Annoxp has written er eck ed Gate ightly, in too much of a “‘ so-called nineteenth cen ; iy on ite Se of Guanes eens, ae Se well kept up h some two thousand years or more or less, wonder is Mister Phra, and ht instead of Phra the Phanicien, ape to the — and seems to express a wish that the wonders recorded could be possibilities of everyday life. But, if so, as Mr. Weller, Senior, observed, a propos of “‘ there being 4 Providence in it,” *‘ O° course there is, panama or han "ud heen o’ the under- takers?” And as tocremation— such an utter yoo extino- tion would be the only way fa putting an end to existence of Phra the Phoenician, who, ever, ‘‘ might rise,” as Mrs. Malaprop would ay, ‘like a Phoenician from the ashes.” The appearance of A New Lady Audley i is rather late in the half- century asa ‘*‘ skit” on Miss Brappon’s celebrated novel. Now and then I found an amusing bit in it, but, on the whole, stuff, says Tux Banow pe Boox-Wonms. My faithful ‘‘Co.” bor benp spoiling gpetan ome prose, and thus com- ——— the result of his studies : is genuine but unaseum- g poetry, which is, after all, only another way of saying fine fecling finely expressed, in Corn and Poppies, by Cosmo Monk House (Evkin MaTHeEws). Much of the verse is musical, and there is throughout a vein of thoughtfulness which never degenerates into a morbid brooding. I commend particularly ‘* Any Soul to any Bod “A Dead —, ” and ** Mysteries,” as examples of pepe eed. So much for verse. me now to eae, Like m Chie, I say, “‘ Bring me my boots!” and let them be thick, w 3 that yD safely through Mr. Ropysrp KIPiina’ ‘aL latest, = The ight that Failed ” (Lippincott’s Monthly Magazine, January). This is described os Mr. Kirzino's first long story. His publishers, moreover, are enough to take ali the trouble of criticism upon their own ders. They declare that ‘‘there is more stern strength in this novel than in anything which Mr. Kretive has written;” but that is, after all, only a com- parative statement, which profits me little, as I never yet estimated the amount of “ stern strength” in Mr. Kiriiwo’s writings. the tale ‘‘ is as intensely moving as it is intensely masculine” Shere 's lovely !) “and it wil ot be mrpesing it vg to be the literary sensation of the year.’ of opinion by competent judges it would be futile to ay to add very much. I will only say, therefore, that the “‘ sensation” produced in me by this novel is one of the most disagreeable I ever pees characters are for the most part, inordinately d Daeg we conceited, and insufferably patel. As for He hero, no more dis- , | agreeable and hateful bully-puppy ever thought and talked in diseon- dae De through ninety-seven tastrophe moves —7, ine rm to the blic, *‘ who think their boots, and read with thelr t so clever « man might surely show his contempt less crudely. Kre.ina, I love thee, but never more write such another tale!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (January 24, 1891. ante ” ] wa Wal iy if ws A, be fe ie a i ah (Wa: dO OML INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. Hostess, *‘ Wow't You TRY sOME OF THAT Jetty, HeRe Si-erRMunD?” Herr Silbermund (who has just been helped to Pudding), “ACH, ZANK YoU, NO, I VOOT ‘RAHZER PEAR VIZ ZE ILLS VE HAF, ZAN V.¥ TO OZZERS ZaT VE KNOW NOT oF.’’ , ‘eed [Herr 8. is particularly proud of his knowledge of Shakspeare. Don’t shy, my dear Dobbin—you’ll shake off my hat. “ WORSE THAN EVER!” > Ly by here eres ecg Was eet Me ane apecion, , ut that raucous ** hrump rump at cacophonous ye oT ne wy ees ’Tis Pig-noise, and Irish—I know it so well. 4 che peng re bm iad rhym Iti = ates i in the road, it is plamp i in the gap. And a porker that’s plone, ond round-barrel'd’and big, an ep teady Ta rong Mags. Ly dnd Lyey h —_— aoe Oo WW, the sume plagay Fig! Nay, By ove, here are two nd they ’re fighting ene other, these porkers perverse, Ase Pigs, and a great deal more plague than they 're worth. In the gap we must pass! Oh! this grows worse and worse! I begin to believe ’twould be better by far [ Whips up Dobbin. on Pigs, aw the pn eet : —— ey involve one in nothing but ie and jar, > And as to large profits, why that * all a hum. KOCH SURE! ** Please the Pigs?” That’s absurd, a mere obsolete wheeze, Scenz—A Place of Meeting. Enter Brown and Jones, They For Pigs are precisely the beasts you can’t please ! salute one another. Gee = Dobbin, old lad! Home’s in sight ; you have borne Prowe (eoeene, Have yee beast the good news ? me J and that of my bashet, sight well, Brown, That Dr. Kocu has at length revealed his secret ? But y} F dand 8 though look li. Jones (startled). No, has he! Dear me! And that I eT chonld have Wo ar rcarting ted, pty cau maya't & swell’. | missed so pleasant a piece of intelligence! And so he has told an we don’t make good time it will not be our fault. —— ae world the cause of his success! Can you explain We did the first stretch unexpectedly slick, Brown (cheerfully). With the assistance of the Public Press, to be My basket well loaded a feather-weight seemed, sure I can. See here, I will give a the solution to the problem, as The road was so smooth, and your canter so qaick, told by the Journals, "«* without ng technicaliti oan better, old lad, than we either had had dreamed. Jones. I hang upon your a an aeons that politeness disappointment to some folk, I think —the outcome of civilisation—alone renders endura Tn. — halted half-way for a rest and a drink. PRayicnin my yen matt Seow Dat pe . aad he discovered that remedy for tu 0 yoerine extract of a pure mae te ee cultivation of tubercle bacilli, the local effect of which, when Oh joy Dobbin, dear, to jog on injected into a healthy pig, produces a nodule } Some at the Ro ae betructi oi : point of inoculation, which, when a second perpetrated, causes what may be called the bacillary flaih to be b be thn into the current of its ciroulaticn, so that the infected tissue may react upon the agent which it had previously been able to resist. I am not Now all seems emooth sailing! Hillo! What was that? uite sure that I have got the ezact words, but that’s the idea. A squeak?’ Nay, it sounds like a chorus of squeaks ! imple, isn’t it ? Jones, Very! [ Bxreunt severally. ~ a o i ¥ 4 ° ca Q ms) 4 m is) Z = = ‘i rs] @ 4 b> Qa °o v4 ‘> 4 °o Z el

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 24, 1891. Pd a aie SSS rs Bo : . Se 4 \ ¥. . ; | |p) | _* ee PS VV RY Ane | P \ “| . ‘ : ‘ J Ss i WAS ff y ' j 2 ‘ » ‘ \ “y i / | Y =n a Wes i ‘ / EE EOF | RN IN JEM j ait 5 af. bis ] Do A | We se oi \ » “a Z - 4 TS I “i Wy f ; > ‘ Up TMpii 1 \\ . \ \ \ \\ | “WORSE THAN EVER!” -T-T! TWO OF ‘EM! BAD ENOUGH WHEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE!!”

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January 24, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

DOMESTIC MELODIES, (By Sancho Preston Panza.) And fingers numbed, and chattering jaw, Owned unexpelled the winter's flaw, And on the steps the goodmen slip, A WORD TO MOTHERS. [A well-known Dramatic Critic has recently

WINTER BATH-SONG, For weeks the sun each morn arose As ’tis his nature to, Bat little difference he made Sopp’d by the fog’s asthmatic shade ; From day’s beginning till its close The day no brighter grew. Above the sheets, the sleeper’s nose Peep’d shyly, as afraid, While neath the dark and draughty flue The burnt-out cinders y ttrew The hearth, where now no firelight glows, No waiting warmth is laid. a: Shall And shout the major D. like a fossil tipsy-cake e sponge each morn appeared ; The bath, if plenished over-night, Was frozen ere the morning light, And more that frigid water-ache Than unwashed days I feared. Now while the milder zephyrs shake Once more the winter’s might, My sponge, my bath, by loss endeared, 8 dree no more a lonely weird ; And as young ducks to water take, my bathward flight. spoken of a play as * just the play in which grow- ing girls will delight.””} O anxious Mothers, come and listen To what just now | 've got to say. If I’m not wron » your eyes will glisten Before the end of this my lay. With strong affection overflowing— Your children are indeed your —~ You can’t help feeling pleased at knowing The play ’s the thing—for growing girls! The pages of a lady’s journal I’ve very often read with care, The news, the gossiping eternal, You ’re always sure of fotting there.

Full many a morn I sprang from bed, As o'er the deadly brink i The wretch, with courage of despair, Leaps from the slimy river-stair, By hopeless hope unthinking sped, Ere he can pause to liament. And chill’d the underwear. Good Devon! Mr. W. H. Smira will return to Grosvenor Place from Torquay on Monday, for the opening of Par- ’T1s pity of you, Orv Moratiry, Back from your rest to loud banality. After St. Stephen's shindy No doubt appeared a very h Bat cream ’s as much like water chalky ead, As Torquay Torrs to Talky-Talky ! Of how you ought to bind your tresses, The latest styles, the tint in hair, And there I’ve seen the kind of dresses It’s right for growing girls to wear. But never once the slightest mention Of what they'd better go and see, And yet it’sc that some attention To such a thing there ought to be. For sentiment and love they ’re frantic, They’re fond of knights and belted earls, A play that’s just the least romantic— es, that’s the play for growing girls. Devon heaven :

The frost that held us in its grip, Would raise the prisoning paw, And Nature, like a mouse set free, Enjoyed delusive liberty, While every water-pipe must drip To greet the ing thaw. Then rudely dashed from eager lip The cup of joy would be,

anp-HEaty, M.P. CHANGE OF INITIALS, ‘*Orren as I may have been invited,” Mr. T. M. Heaty is reported to have said, in the course of a recent speech, ‘‘ I never yet put a toe inside his house,” words. Henceforth, name changed to Tor- A crowing child, who loves to prattle, Can easily be kept at rest. You ’ve only got to get a rattle, Or p’raps a dolly would be best. A bouncing boy will blow a bubble, And want no more the livelong day ; But if a growing girl gives trouble, You ’ve got to take her to the play! Memorable

A PIONEER IN PETTICOATS. {An American Lady is about to explore Africa, on humane principles.]} Arrive in Africa.—Convineed that real way of taming the savage heart is by Feminine Tact. No need of brutal habits of m adventurers. Two negresses, from ‘‘ Ole Virginny,” with me, who said they would like to ‘see Africa again”; a few Arabs, to carry our bag- gage. intend to study home-life of African tribes, -_ to get them to talk into my Pp . Month Later.— Have had to exhibit more Feminine Tact I expected. Got en- led in swampy forest on Zambesi (I ink), and Arabs declined to extricate us ht) : 4% unless their pay was doubled! Also one of = J negresses— horrid woman!— has deserted Za =< me—come 54 place ae eae yon pa Z recognise as her native vi , and said s sd meant to stay! Tact useless with females ! On Lake Tanganyika—or if it isn’t Lake Tanganyika, it’s an entirely new lake,—which I have been the first to discover! Suffer a good deal from fever and ) we diet. Am studying native home-life. Later.—Have left two Arabs and my remaining negress on Lake, and gone myself to look for Stantey’s Dwarfs. Told that T1rroo Tis is somewhere about. Also advised to be very careful not to fall in with the *‘ man-eating Manyuema.” Still Later.—Did fall in with them! Also fell out with them. They made all preparations for using me as a side-dish at a cannibal banquet, when Trppoo Tre arrived and released me. Teagengtie again '—Back here safe and sound! Trrpoo Tis turned out most unsatisfactory. Wanted to marry me!—with a hundred other wives already! Not prepared for this sort of home- life. Managed to get away by describing to him a Remington type- writer, and promising if he let me Fo, to bring one back at once. Find that my “‘ rear- ”—the negress and Arabs—have been up to fearful pranks during my absence. Negress killed and ate one of Arabs, and then other Arab Killed and ate negress! Tell remaining Arab I shall have him punished when I get to Coast. Arab says he’ll get there ot, aan a book showing me up! several bales of baggage, and eiiary, Question now ia ell Fest’ at 0 adiary. Question now is—will Femi- nine Tact show me salle Zanzibar ?

Universrry Honovrs,—" Surrn’s Prizeman” —Artuur BALFour. The “Senior Wrangler” (for several years past)—Mr. GLapsTonE. ‘ances have

THE AMUSING RATTLE’S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK. (For the Use of Professional Diners-out and other Amateur Entertainers.) The Meeting of Parliament,—This is not a very promising subject, but mild mirth may be yootnees in rng Sie (say Southend or Honiton, Devon) by observing, that the rock upon which the Irish Party went to pieces wasa happy one—in fact, a Gtap-stong. This, strictly ~- ing, is not a new jest, and there- fore must be helped out by a burst of self-supplied laughter. You might add, that as Members of Parliament are obliged, by the rul of the House, to address their colleagues standing, there would be little chance of a seated discussion. But you must, however, take care to aye ween you say seated, so that those on the look-out for a brilliant bon-mot may know that you mean heated. The Revolt in Chili.—The name of the place in which the disturb - will help you effectively to remark that the outbreak is seasonable cm the present inclement weather. As the Army sympathises with the Government, and the sister service with the rioters, you can s **that knaves would, of course, be supported by the Navy /” is may lead up to a really magnificent burst of waggery in the assertion that dissentients must of necessity be *' all at sea.” The New Archbishop of York.—Insist that his Grace is a Scotch- man, and not an Irishman, and prove your proposition by declaring that the road to success was ‘‘ Maccxe’s (pronounced MaGotx’s) secret!” This really splendid flash of humour will bear polishing— as written it seems a little in the rough. You may refer to Primate’s universally acknowledged partiality for quiet sarcasm, by saying that ‘‘ ever since he joined the ecclesiastical he has known asanarch Bishop!” These entertaining Pepe wv delicately handled, should be received with enthusiasm at a five o'clock tea in a D 1 The New Play at the Haymarket.—As the plot turns upon the doings of the Society of Friends, you may extract a jest by saying ‘that many of the ters trembled with anxiety before ite pe- duction—in fact, were quakers/”’ The name of the Manager of the Haymarket has frequently been the subject of a quip, if not a crank ; still it may yet serve asa for slyly observi } t, ** At the fall of the Curtain, Trex, na y enough, appeared with a bough /” The Weather.—O4 course you must introduce this subject, and as everything that can be said has been said about it, you may quote Sypwey SmirH RF authority for observing, that the only Pothe tipper!” If the poiat ofthis "good thing » ts not immediately —the slipper !’ e poin jis ** is not immediately obvious, the fault will be with Srpxzy and not with you. And this quaint oddity should satiate your a with mirth and merriment until next week—and even longer!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [January £4, 1891. SS AS Ss Wey Se SN as \ SN Xs WAY ¥ ‘ " z& . £ NAIA

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Jaxvany 24, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER OF MY MEMOIR. (In Supplement of ‘‘ Harper.”) By Moxsrzeve Van ve Biowitzown Tromp, O85 iM». ZiGip —* a %, /f ¥orost at this moment where I / was born, but I lived long enough at Marseilles to be mar- ried in that great southern French city. pg wife's father had been in nace on the > grandlathers side) peur pompier. Thus did I, as it were, become iié with the sea and land. fo " of my adopted country. wife’s mother was a decosndnek - a noble but anonymous family Vosges, whilst her mater: a uncle was attach to himself some focal unpopularity by pestecring, See for Neh eet fete Ee cel eer, which set forth his feces & his origin met You oak me which Bourbon ? I frankly answer, I cannot = My wife’s maternal uncle spo bons,” it st and no one asks you ? As fur my own ancestry, I do not speak of it. I have never been in the habit of thrusting myself on the attention of the public. It is sufficient for me that 7 ye 8 re uncle’s ancestors were Bourbons. ’ — to take charge of public affairs in connection with an election thet ‘took in the city where I found myself. M. pe Lxssrps THIERS an Nyame = e » pescented f as an independent date. Was he? I suspected. Alread aa my secret agents in every centre of population. One, whose letter the post-mark the Pyramids, placed in my hand proof that Dz Lessers was an official candidate of the pire. I s tempest ab th, pelted Meamallion and tuys tot in ics tmeabainie wiee a tem on Cc 0; swept away in its w Miser eR ES ceamee ome va ten was y well fora n w at the time, as remember thinking, more than the La three sous ry that became my due. But I had made more a few sous—I had eanenemy! Years after, Bismarck told me > int with Napotzon Tax Tuixp at Donchery, that fallen monarch had this incident, in which his prophetic eye Jnetly discerned the of the end. He admitted that he had said to MPReEss, ‘* France is too smal] for me and Van DE Biowi1zown Tromp. One ot us must cross a Manche.” ! One of us did. But my time was not yet. My friends advised, nay, besought me to leave M pon po Ly end of this ear (1869) I took their advice, and retired vod ng fh a y, and was pecu suitable for wa’ great problems with a A {pind uabiassed by any knowledge o the Franco-German question grow, and I foresaw how it wold and told him all about it. Whee the war broke out cautiously made my way across the untrodden track, had predicted the downfall of the Em and, in strove to wither me. Proceedings been com- beaten down by the German hand ne wine alone cheer her. I could Naturalieation. Some weeks later I | The Emperor W met fy ot win. ” said the Em ILLIAM, tho a aon judge of the com The Limits of = over 8 of which the ci saving er | alternating between I went to Paris to icle of War, was only too successful. associates at Marseilles were cluded. Thiswasallright. It was I could say All the topking that my vice had been too li yy yy: lL called Pega y mormng. fore day he said, ‘ You must go to e| Riga. I do not quite — where it remote, You be at Riga.” Like the President, I was not sure where | salary was certain, and there was fine old Roman vour a Newspaper Correspondent. How that came about cannot be told in this chapter. I will only say ot on in my new career I the approbation of M ELANE, who, I need scarcely say, was the most competent judge the wuss oper enw of Oe met of 0 Homers d, I "have confined At Eto Tell ~ hat has happened, m accura w a m - m= , no yt the chance at greatest ambition he wi misrepresentin is whim, fane passion ma dictate, facts ta which I am so deep! p mom AF interested. le those note them who, after ss time, have to defend my memory should it ever be attac “ The Sh'nner Quartette;”’ or, Musical Football, BReacH THAN THE ‘More HonovrnepD IN THE reach Cases—as a Oxnservance.”—B

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48 PUNCH, OR THE Li INI ON A GENERAL VIEW OF “PRIVATE INQUIRY.” I am sufficiently old-fashioned, when I fo to the play, to wish to be amused. I frankly admit | do not care to be taught a lesson, or to have my mind harrowed by the presentation of some psychological study. even Hantey, and the days when a good piece of fun was the last- item of the programme at the Adelphi and the Olympic the chief attraction of the Pittites, who patronised ‘* half-price.” This being so, I am glad to find at the Strand—a theatre recalling memories of Jommy Roorrs and Jonwwy CLaRKE, Parry Oxiver and Cuartorre Savy- pers, to say nothing of a lady who was not only Queen of Comedy but Empress of Burlesque—* Private Inquiry,” a thorough] well acted and rattling farce in three Acts. t is from the French, but as the task of adaptation has been entrusted to the Author who turned Bébé the Frisky into Betsy the Wholesome, any scruples of conscience that the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN may possibly have entertained on reading the original have been successfully removed, and the play, con- sequently, is not only highly entertaining, but abso- lately free from offence. did not see it until it had reached its eighth night, and I do not re- member a piece, taken as a whole, so excellent acted. Although he does not appear until the Secon Act, Mr. Witirme Epovurm, as ’Arry ’Ooker, the Private Inquiry Agent, is the feature of the per- formance. — to a ae of businesslike habits, suggest y hi ing an ° e spiking of bogus telegrams brought to him when he Asry “Ooker & Co. is engaged with a client, his urbanity under difficulties, and his cheerful accept- I can remember Waicurt, and | the aforesaid Compagnie, he, at all events, would never, | (Isn’t it very much “* to his credit,”’ we ask with W. 8. G., de Paris passing even the G. 0. M., who has ance of the inevitable in whatever shape presented, are all admirable points, and pointe that are fully appreciated by the andience. Roars of laughter follow the one after the other fn my ’Arry’ Ooker is on the stage. Nothing can be | more absurd than his make-up, his bows, his ay = and yet under the | surface there is a vein of pathos that causes one to feel a pang of genuine | regret when the poverty-stricken, light-hearted rogue, who, if he cannot secure a hundred guineas, is equally ready to accept a “‘ tenner,” is marched off to| penal servitude as the Curtain falls. The clerk of this entertaining individual, Toby, is played by a boy like a boy, by Master Buses. Farther, Mr. Atraep MALTBY could not be better as the suspicious and bamboozled husband, Richard Wrackham. Again, even the small part of Alezander, a Waiter, is well played. Once more —the ladies, without exception, are capital; and as a result of this all- | round excellence, the piece ‘* goes,”’ from a quarter to nine till just eleven, with | a verve that must be most satisfactory to all concerned. So I can congratulate the Author upon a piece full of lines that tell, and the Manager upon a play that | is likely to rival in popularity its predecessor, the phenomenally-successful Our Fiat. And I can offer these congratulations with a clear conscience, because | I am neither Author of the piece nor Manager of the theatre, but as Mr. Rupyanp KipPLine might observe, Qoire ANnoTsER FELLow. LARKS! Sia,—I am surprised that any of your Correspondents should doubt that birds | eat snow. There is a bull-finch in my aviary, and I tried him. He ate it ravenously. Strange to say, he has not uttered a sound since! My wife says, | ** Probably his pipe is frozen.” This is such a good joke, I think you ought to have it. Yours, VER oF NATURE. Srr,—You may like to have the following story in support of the idea that | animals are aware that snow is frozen water. It was related to me by a rather | rackety nephew, who has lived part of his life in South America, and whose word can be strictly relied on. He relates that once, when he was travelling among the Andes, at an elevation of some twenty thousand feet, his mules became very thirsty, and no water was obtainable. Each animal seized a/| calabash with its teeth, filled it with snow, and trotted off to the crater of an adjacent voleano ; it then waited till the lava melted the snow. which it drank up, and finally trotted back again. My nephew says he should not have | believed a mule could be so clever, if he had not seen it. Yours obediently, Samvugt Sopersipes. | Sin,—Sinee writing you that letter about our bull-finch, I have discovered an even more surprising fact, which I am sure no Naturalist has yet dreamed of. Not only do birds appreciate snow, but they are very fond of iced beverages. A tom-tit, who often drinks water from a saucer which we put on our window- sill, one day found the water frozen. What did the intelligent creature do? Why, it rapped on the window-pane with its beak till the window was opened, then hopped on to the sideboard, and began trying to peck the cork out of a opm | pottle! I took the hint, and poured some of the spirit into the saucer ; the bird drank it greedily! My wife's comment on this occurrence is really too good to be lost, so I send it you. She said, ‘‘ Evidently the bird was not a tom- | be in danger, or should Monarchists or Imperialists get a chance and want a man for the place, let them wire to —will be ready, aye ready, to assume the purple, and to bring all his pro } other half? T santé de Monsieur le Shérif-enfant-de- Londres-et- Paris, in a pint of Half-and-half, and let it, like Le Shérif Yours, in convulsions, Lover or Natuage (as before). [January 24, 1891, CHARIVARL A PINT OF HALF-AND-HALF. “* Qui va la ?’ says he.” « * Je,’ replies I, knowing the langusge.” “ Jeames” and another Old Story. Tue international susceptibilities of Sheriff Davato- Lanus— henceforth to bear the Anglo-French title, Monsieur le Shérif ’ Arris de Paris, or ’Arry de Parry, —appear to have been considerably hurt by a statement in the Débats to the effect that the appearance in the London streets of men dressed as Gendarmes—‘‘ en gen- darmes francais,” writes Mossoo DaunioLane—intended as perambulating advertisements for the Waterloo Pano- rama, was due to a supreme effort of his m i enius, So Shérif Drvsziotane wrote at once to the ndon Correspondent of the Figaro, who bears the sin- gularly French name of Jonnson, denying, in his very best French, that he, M. le Shérif, had had anything to do with these walking advertisements, or, indeed, with the Panorama Company at all, from which he had retired a yearago. Then he adds, like the preuz chevalier he is known to be, that had he still been on the direction of never have committed the enormity of even su ting, however vaguely, an idea so calculated to needlessly insult **les susceptibilités francaises.” (‘* Hear! hear!” and ‘* Trés bien !”’ from the left.) Then M. le Shérif Davnrio- LANE, rising to the occasion, finishes with this magnificent flourish on the French horn—*‘ Je suis né en France”— that, ‘In spite of all temptations, To belong to other nations, He remains an Englishman?” Why, certainly) —* jas véeu parmi les Francais, et je suis ad moiié enfant Beautiful ! Magnifique! Our Drvrioranvs is sur- i been born, more or less, everywhere, except in Paris. Should the Republic Davrrotanus, ‘‘d moitié enfant de Paris,” and the “* Enfant” —*‘ Enfant Arnis,” not ‘* Enfant Gatti” rties with him. ‘* 4 moitié”—and the t will ever remain British. So a la himself, have a good head on! THE ROLLING OF THE R’S. “We are told that the omission to roll it (the letter r) is as flagrant a misdemeanor as the dropping of the h.””"—James Payn in the Illustrated News. Arn—'‘‘ The Wearing of the Green,” Soft-spoken Person sings :— Ir’s vewy wong, widiculous, and howwid, I’ve no doubt, To leave that little letter r unuttahed or unwolled ; Bat if you haven’t any r’s you’ve got to do withou And son no maw woll my r’s than dwink my clawet cold. A Dowie wuggedness of speech I weally can’t attain, And though gwammawians may wave in leadewetts and pars, (is vain, I quite agwee with good James Parw that all their wow The angwy wout must do without *‘ the wolling of the r’s!’ HaeiotocicaL axyp Historicat Norr.—Dr, Harorp Browne, ** the retiring Bishop” of Winchester, as he is called, on account of his innate modesty, wrote to the of Farnham to y! that, ‘‘never was there a Bishop since the time of his earliest predecessor in the See, St. Swithin, more literally ‘at home’ at Farnham Castle than himself.” To this fact Dr. H. B is, perhaps, unaware that the Saint in question owed his name, as when any visitor called to ask if he were at home, the Hall-porter of the period invariably answ ** Yes, Saint’s within.” Dr. Harorp Browne is welcome to this information, which ought to have been in Notes and Queries. Ir is said that the invitations for the Drury Lane cele- bration of Twelfth Night will not be sent out with so free a hand next year, the young men on the recent oceasion having been 80 Baddeley Calaved: > NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. Te this rule Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will GOLD ! Caan A sing) toa RIC 24 an (i ¢

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—eE_- 6S -— FF orov ses ~ evr Oo @

The Real “Cup o’ Kindness.” A Perfect Biending of the CHOICEST —— of the Highest Classes of Fine Old Whisk’ their Native Purity, a8 produced in B.O.S. BLENDED scoTCH aaa Years O14, 50s. per dos. Light ” ” ” Five ” Ld 4 Ad ” Carriage Paid on of 1 dos. end upwa Proprietors are binnlers ef Rcotch “Whitson and s0 A page Ty 4 are they pey po oe Ge” Bend er Name and Addr on Postcard for Rules to LEVER BROS, lia. PURT BUN LIGHT. near BIRK! NHEAD NUDA VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. What will Restore the HAIN OF YoUTH? Nuda Veritas—Naked Truth. For 24 yrare it has never ta.led to rapid restore grey oF lave hair, either in youth Or age. It errests fallin caures luxuriant goth, ls permencnt and perfectly harm less.

In Cases, We, 6d of > all Hairdressers and ~~ ev Chemists, Circulars on : ( appl cation Wholessle Agents: z HOVENDEN & ®ON* 2) end 32, Kerners &t., ; £0196 City Moad ne DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of rae STOMACH, MEAKTHUUN, HEADACHE, GOUT, end INDIGKSTION fold throughout the Werld

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvarr 24, 1891. REFERENCE TABLE. A SCIENTIFIC CLASSIFICATION OF SOAPS. $ An ideal Soup.” —Chem. and Drug VINOLIA SOAP. In favour with the profession. (Made below boiling SUPERFATTED point.) DEALKALISED COLD PROCESS SOAP{xsm | British Med, Journ, “ Of excellent quality.”—Laneet. Made Sine Spirit cheap fats, sugar, and strong Alkaline Made at low temperature from lyes, YELLOW P OBE ‘ RESIN aa Usually Yellow Kitchen Sow — treated with methylated spirit Methylated sugar, &. (Rarely contaz glycerine. ) HARD SOAP (Soda) . If not milled, contains 20 to 45 CURD { REMELTED per cent. of water, coloured Toilet Soaps of commerce are / AND MILLED § with vermilion, red aad chrome “ doctored ” with Soda Silicate, } (Tallow) | Mepicarep l lead, Scheele’s green, or aniline : dyes sometimes. &c., to promote the incorpora- (Note—Many of the ordinary Coloured with iron; watered, and heavily salted. BOILED tion of a lot of water.) MOTTLED | SOAPS CASTILE (made at or above BROWN wer! i nee ; = due ’ F WINDSOR } 0 bad fats and brown ochre, 212° F.) \ SOFT SOAP (Potash) Scouring Soap. Shaving Cream, ( Liquid Soaps. SODA POTASH (Hard) ; Shaving Soaps. ' [Some Tulet Saupe} WINOLIA SHAVING SOAP. Vinolia Soap—Floral, 6d.; Medical (Balsamic), 8d.; and Toilet (Otto of Rose), 10d. per Tablet. Vinolia Shaving Soap—1s., 1s. 6d., and 2s. 6d. per Stick, and Flat Cakes, in porcelain lined metal boxes, 2s. Vinolia Cream and Vinolia Powder—is. {d., 4s. 6d., and 6s, per Box, each. BLONDEAU ET CIE., RYLAND ROAD, LONDON, N.W Pria' Wiliam Stuart Smith, of No. 9, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of 6t. Mary, Islington, in the County of Mi‘diesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Agnew, & Co. Limited, a Street. io tbe Piecinet of Whitetriars, ia th City of Loudon, aps Published by bim at Do. 8, Fleet Sucet, ia the Parish of dt, biide, City of London —Satuangs, January %,

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fr om strong ppirit, ni tain ted,

CHARLES K E E N E “ His caricatures are a gallery of pictures of English Life. . . They have

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ee ee wane & NOVEL READING. “For fiction read Scott alone; all novels after his are worthless.” Charlotte Bronté. NOW PUBLISHING IN MONTHLY VOLUMES. NEW POPULAR EDITION THE WAVERLEY NOVELS. Br SIR WALTER SCOTT, Bast. ( Copyright ) WITH INTROMUCTURY VIGNETTES AND SPECIAL GLOSSARIES Price Sixpence each. vou. Iv ROB hOY”" —~NOW READY, London: A. 4 C. BLACK, 4, Boho Squera, H=DpA G GABLER. A Drama im Four By HENRIK [hS+N. Transiated trom 4 Norwegian br Eouwownr Goass, with « Portrait of the Acthor. mali 4:0, 6. *,” Atlee 4 Lintrep |snen Param Eprtios, ratce Zils. wer This is the first work published by the celebrated Norwegian (ramatiet since he became so enorm- comy popular in ths country. The copyright has been secured by the publisher, and arrangements are “pending tor for e possible prod action at one of the Weet knd thea London Ve _ 21, Bedford 6. , W.C. Now ready (Sixpence), New Series, No 92 THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for FEPRUARY, containing * Company,” by A. Conan Doyle ~ Ma - , Clerke,” (haps. 5 to *Mustrations of Animal life im Tennyson's Poems” —* Ischia and ‘te Earthquake” ‘A Phantom Portrait” — “ The Oastic of Almwick "~‘' Nobody Cares!’ —* Eight Days,” by the Author of The Touchstone of Peril,” Chaps. 22 to % London: Surra, Ecosa, & Co., 16, Waterloo Place. T HE ARGOSY. ARY now ready. THE SILENT CHIMES, The last “ Johnny Ludlow "' *tory written by Mrs sxav Woon HE FATE OF THE HARA DIAMORD, An I!\ustrated serial Mtory, comMM x THE ARGOSY (second Kea tion) fer JANUARY N rw ready [HE ARGOSY (Second Edition for JANUARY. Cowrewrs 1. The hg Chimes. Yartl. Hy Johnny La ow m. Henry Wood cA on hy G Bi Stuart 3. Miss Kate Marsden 4 The Fate of the Hara Diamond A *erial Story. Chap_i. My Artival at »-eeply Walls (hep. 2. The Mictress of Deeply Wails. Coap 3. A Voyage of Discovery. Cha = - 4. Beareda'c Wetr. itustrated by M. L. Go Sonnet. By Julia Kavanagh The Bretons at Home hy Charies W. Wood (*raR.O® With ox Tustrations, Who was the Third Maid? 6. A Modern Witch. Sixpence Monthly [Now ready RICHARD BENTLEY & SON, New Bari lngto n Street, W THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, ‘7 Millions Sig, 4 FOR PROTECTION LIN3WLSIANI ? EDINBURGH, 3 George St. (Head Office) LONDON, 63 King William Street, B.C. oo 8 Pall Mall East, 6. w. DUBLIN, 68 Upper Sackville Street, Branches & Agencies in India & the Colonies. MADE WITH BOILING WATER. EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC, DAILY PUNCH, oR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Consumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERT WHERE. SE & [Ser Ls Ly « every flower that %e breathes a fragrance. SWEET SCENTS LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM SAMUEL BROTHERS. BOYS’ SCHOOL OUTFITS, Messrs. SAMUET BROTHERS haveresdy for immediate war a very large assortment of BOYS’ and YOUTHS CLOTHING. They will also be pleased to send, upon application Parrenns of Marmniace for the wear of Gentie- | MAPPIN & WEBB'S DRESSING BAGS. Jaxvany 31, 1891. GONDY’S FLUID. USED IN ALL HOSPITALS. CONDY'S REMEDIAL FLUID. COND Y’S.—A Household Word. COND Y’S.—In fore Throats Never Fails. | COND Y’S.—The Sovereign Cure for Kelaxed Throat. “I find the Conmay and cola weter gargie excellent, many cases being cured immedistely."~—De. T. W. Hanns it is of great service 6 a disinfect ing ond stimulating gargie.’’"—D..Waann, men, Boys, or Ladies, together with their new Iitivernarep Cats Loe ts. containingabout | 400 Engravings. This furnishes cetails of the various departments with rrice Lists. &c mare Chipping Nor- ton Riding and aed Baitin ting | mueese, Cheviets, . Berges, &c z very large eseu: tment of the productions of | this eminent firm is “ Broun” Serr. siways kept in stock SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILOR, OUTFITTERS, 4c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpoy, E.C. Workshops :— Pilgrim St., Indgate Hill, and 4, Gray's Inn Road. HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. Daily yield 507,600 : at a temperature of Rathe founded at hath by the Komans in the First Cen The waters are weil) known as being most val in cases of Kheumatism, Gout, and Skin aa Cor of Kath have receatiy enlarged and perfected the Baths at great expence. in the words of one of the greatest Hygienic Physicians, Tas Bares .88 THe moFT COMPLETE In Evnors. Rand Delly in the Pump-Koom. Letters >eaman's Hospital SORE THROATS.—Slight Cases Cured at Once. “Pvery case showed an imme.iate improvement." —Dr Kupperroagtn. _CONDY' S.—Severe Sore Throat uickly Relieved. ‘I have employed it with invariab.e success.” —Dr. Cuas. Bett, CONDY’S.—‘ Cleanses Wounds most rapidly."—Dr. Pors | CONDY ‘8. —. For Irritating Dis- *"—Meptcat T1 CONDY’ ‘s. ~The a Lancet ” says: “ Altogether it is not wonderiul that this Fiuid has been a favourite with scientific and unscientific men." CONDY’S.—Everyone should read the reports by eminent medica! authori- ties, affording useful information on nuverous aliments issued with every bottie, or sent free by post on applica- tion to CONDY’S FLUID WORKS, 64, TURNMILL STREET, E.C. LONDON LIFE ASSOCIATION. Berastienen 1606 ASSURANCE FUND, FOUR MILLIONS. MUTUAL ASSURANCE AT LEAST COST, to the Manager wih reeeive attention and every information No. 81, King William Street, E.C. D'!AMONDS, white, STREETER & COMP.’S SPECIALITIES. , and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’ ’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS | of the finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and D'AMONDS of all cclours. C OG OA sreperee & COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St, London. ‘OXFORD.-MITRE HOTH ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICy: FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE Kixg GRAND HOTE "LONDON, SENG —_—o—. FINEST SITUATION EVERY LUXURY us COMFORT MOST RECHERCH CUISINE. oak zl VERY MODERut: Pa, TARIFF, " JOHANNIS KING OF TABLE WATE CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL (i Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, Indigestion. Mixes equally well with Wi Spirits, or Milk. Not medicinal, but an agreeable health -prom beverage. SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS ho AND RESTAURANTS Sample Cases of 50 pints, 18/6, including JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Li ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. Wuotrsate Sroaes— =. WHARF ROAD, CITY ROAD, THE BEAUTY OF THE SKIN ENHANCD POUDRE D’AMO (Prepared by Picaan Fasars, Parfumewy A Toilet Powder combining every de Hygienic and Cormetic, for beautifying ao¢ ing the Skin. Jt will be equally welcomed ¥ for imparting a most natural fraichew © complexion. Gentiemen will find it most soothing and for use after shaving. In three tints; Blanche for fair mint, Nat for darker complexions, and Rachel ‘or # artificial ws ls. Hy Post, free from observation, To be had of ail Mata ane Ry Chemists, & Wholesale Depét: B, HOVENDEN & 50% 31-33, BEMNERS STREET, W. And 91-95, CITY ROA), E.C., LOND® MACASSAR Ol Nourishes and Preserves the Hs makes it Soft and Silky, and is being not too greasy or drying ; §?* ally suited for Ladies’ and Childres Hair; bottles, Se. 6d.; 7s.; 10s. SPT) Whitens the Tee ODONTO Prevccie Dew Sweetens the Breath. Sold cv

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VATION JRY xp HERCHE DERATE Janvary 31, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 49 VOCES POPULI. A ROW IN THE PIT; OR, THE OBSTRUCTIVE HAT, Scene—The Pit during Pantomime Time. The Overture is beginning. An Over-heated oe (to her Husband). Well, they don’t give you much room in ere, I must say. Still, we done better than | expected, after all that ‘crushing. —but it was on’y the umbrella’s. You pretty comfortable where you are, eh, Father ? ra Father, Oh,I’mrightenough, am. Jimmy (their Son ; a small boy, with a piping voice). If Father is, it’s more nor what Jam. I can’t see, Mother, I can’t! Wie "Mother, Lov’ bless the ] there ain’t nothen to see "ll see well enough Shee e Curting goes up. an J | . tain rises on ! Jrumy, chet that ‘nia sien now? All them himps dancin’ and aul real fire comin’ out of the pot—which I ’ope it’s quite en there ’s a beautiful fairy just come on, dr so grand, too! Jimmy. I can’t see no fairy—nor yet no himps—no nothen! a we . He pliner. His Mot ern ever such a aggra take any whesee! Ie papery and look at Hm OA ! Jimmy. ’, Mother. It ain’t my fault—it helo ofr , Mother ceiving the ith thea, Father, th ather, the pore boy says A pir *eause of a lad . hat in front. where Father. vee tae ’elp the at, can I? He must put up with it, that’s all! "Mother. i I ought, if you wouldn't mind changing places and it wouldn’t be in your way with him—you’re taller with you—never cpio, ou ain’t! so muc Father. cee across—I’m for a quiet life,I am. (Changing for you ? Well, pass the vente.) Will this [ He settles down im: wt oven ak Pape the | Good i ae oe yim fits be h i as er 2 2 i te touches yas Ownas ofthe Hat on ie shoulder.) | xeuse m uw t take king you kindly me, your’ at pals (the Owner Her Viet dete deigns no reply. Father (more insistently). Would you ’ave Far f ob; mm yim obli me by taking off your -~ Mum? = you ’eard me, Mum, but I *ve asked civ euongh, that ’at of yours off. I’ma playin’ Ide and Bock bvind — ‘0 answer, The Mother. People et sone to be allowed in the Pit with sech ’ats! Callin’ ’erself a lady—and settin’ there in a great ’at and prep wl *Ighlander’s, and never answering no more nor a 0 Father it the Husband of The Owner of the Hat). Will you tell re ores to take her ’at off, Sir, please ? a Oumar of the Hat (to Husband). Don’t you do nothing of the sort, Sam, or you'll ear of it! The Mother. Some people are perlite, I must say. Parties might beyare as ladies when they come in the Pit! It’s a pity her ’usband can’t teach her better manners The Father. ’Im teach her! ’E knows better. ’E’s got a Tartar , A abe b d hear Owner o o Hat, Sam, are you going to set by an me insulted like this eh, oer . Her Husband lates round tremulously). I—[’ll trouble you to eo Fy SF A y impossi t’s going on on the s all these remarks be’ind ! The Father. hentia dente Sebo gab chithihis-diimn an tn the stage with that ’at in front! I paid ’arf-a-crown to see the Panter- mime, I did ; not to ’ave a view of your wife's ’at!... "Ere, Marta, blowed if I can stand this ’ere any . Jnr m chang plas ata, and if he cat sot bs anne stand up en s all (Jrnary s0 drone pt oe! Aw original place, and mounts upon the seat. umbr shrella). Will on tell ttle. tor dusk be ua pee, or cot e and n bloak the view like this? _ ‘thought my ribs was gone once | H s Father, lf can indoooe that lady in front to take off her at will—bat not we gee ek Fe ooge my The Pittite behind, Well, 1 must stand myself then at's all I mean to see, somehow ! People behind ham ( (sternly). Set down there, will yer ? He resumes his seat expostulating Jimmy. Father, the TT is a pinching of my Jimmy's Father. Ww “is be? pinching my little boy’ yes e ain’t you no ‘omr-ie ber tet oft The hg Palas po Let hime of Jimmy's Fi Let the lady take Murmurs behind. Order, there! Set eee Put that boy down ! wey oy ’at! Silence in front, there! Turn’em out! Shame! The Hushand of the O. of the Ht. (in gehtper to his Wife). Take off the blessed ’at, and have done with it, do The O. of the H. What—now ? T'd tooner die in the at! — Coden, haa tian [Am Attendant is called. ‘endant. er, there, tlemen, please—unless you want to turned out! No standing allowed on the he sento—gen" ’re dis- turbing the performance ’ = you know! (Jimmy % made to and weeps silently ; the hubbub gradually sedohine tial Owner of the Hat triumphs— Sor the moment, Jimmy's Mother, Never my boy, you shall have Mother's seat Se a anpate. ‘ I dessay, nies was the lady ’as reasons or keeping her ’a’ pore The Father. Ah, never thought o’ that. So she may. Very likely her ’at won’t come off—not without her air The Mother. Ah, well, we musn’t be ard on 44 if that’s so. The O. ae . ’ope you’ re satisfied now, I’ Father (handoomely > at rises, never, Mum, and w take it find tea ot you. y you shouldn't n't ha? done it at fust, iewane; rere Mase hy ob without the ’at than what you in i -_ , The O. of the H. lied). Sam, ask the gentleman behind if his boy oenidl| ike a ginger-nut. [ This et oper) is accepted ; compliments pass ; cordiality is pores one the Pantomime proceeds without Surther isCuroance, SOMETHING LIKE A SUBSCRIPTION! (A Page from the Book of Philanthropy.) Tue Committee waited impatiently the arrival of the Great and Good Man. It was their duty to obtain a dopation—an ample one — e Millionnaire w charity was renowned far and wide, from one end of the world to the other. t | he a before them. a What ean I do for you ?” he asked, with a smile that absolutely shone with benevolence, “ You a new, Se oat the claims of r in inter are n and iffioult to meet ?”’ a ** Certainl y I Lo ~ Bn ~~ Man of Weal pe that about to me % a oe ** Indeed we were,” kes- man of the Committee, his qe mes with al tears. Pe aa put you = down for five poun ** Five pounds! ” ‘hood the Million- naire, impatiently, “What is five geunes ?—five thousand is much more ike the figure! Now, I will give Lag five thousand pounds on one condition ““ Name it!” cried the Deputation in breath. -t ‘* The simplest thing in the world,” continued the Millionnaire. ‘* I will give you five thousand on = oe condition that you get ninety-nine other fellows to do the same. Nay, you shall thank me when all is collected. I can wait till then.” The dhove weeks: were spies more than thirty years neo. Bince then the Deputation have been waiting for the other fellows—and so has the Millionnaire ! Professor v. Professor. Prorgeson Vracnow seems by no means Koch-sure about the tuberculosis remedy. Indeed Professor Kocn finds that there is not only ‘‘ much virtue in an ‘if,’”’ but much “if” in a Vincnow! He is inclined to sing with Swin BURNE :— “ Come down, and redeem us from Vincnow.” VOL. C,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE FRIEND OF IRELAND AND THE WORDY KNIFE-GRINDER, (Imitation Sapphics some way after Canning and Frere.) -S = —— —y ; p—J - Wordy Enife-Crinder, ** Stony! Friend of Ireland :— **Worpy Knife-Grinder! Whither are you going ? Dark is your way—your wheel looks out of order - Mitchelstown -_% and there seems no more spell in O’ Buien’s breeches ! ** Wordy Kaife-Grinder, little think the proud ones, Who in their speeches prate about their Usion- Ism, what hard work ’tis to keep a Party Tightly together ' Gop BLEss you! I BAVE NONE TO TELL, Sin!” **Tell me, Knife-Grinder, what your little game is, Do you mean playing straight with me and others ? Or would you jocky Erin like a confounded Saxon attorney ? ** Give us a glimpse of that same Memorandum ! Pledge yourself clear to what needs no explaining ! Prove that your plan is not quite a sham, sly-whittled Down into nullity ! [January 31, 1891.

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Jasvary 31, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘* Ere I depart (if go I must, Tru Heaty) Give me « pledge that I’m not sold for nothing. Tell us in plain round words, without evasion, the True Hawarden story.” Knife- Grinder. “Story! God bless yer! I have none to tell, Sir! Never tell stories, 1; ’tis my sole business This Wheel to turn with treadle and ery, ‘ Knives and Scissors to grind 0!’ ‘* Constabulary ? Question of Land Purchase ? Number of Irish Members due in justice ? Never said aught about ’em; don't intend to— Not for the present. ‘*T shall be glad to do what honour urgeth ; Grind on alone, if you will give me carte-blanche, Make room for Justis, and forbear to meddle With polities, Sir!” Friend of Ireland. ** T give thee carte-blanche ? I will see thee blowed first— roa ! whom no frank appeal - = to frankness— evasi word-web-spinning _— “ Subtle Old Spider!!!” [Kicks the Knife-Grinder, overturns his Wheel, and exit in a Sury of patriotic enthusiasm and forcible language. CAPITAL AND“LABOUR FORECAST; Or, Six of One and Half-a-Dozen of the O-her, Tuoven in some quarters a better feeling was reported to have iled, still, ing to latest ar ie | the outlook can scarcely regarded as satisfactory. A meeting of the Amalgamated En- gineering Tram-Drivers’ Mutual Stand-Shoulder-to-Shoulder Stran- gulation Society was held on Glasgow Green yesterday afternoon, at which, amid a good deal of boisterous interruption, several delegates the assembled audience and recounted their recent ex- ae ge up to date. There were still 1700 of the Company’s old ds out of work, and though, thanks to the enthusiasm, “their just cause” had excited amidst the e Societies in the South, by which, coins to subscriptions from no less important bodies than the Bootmakers’ Benevolent Grandmothers’ Association, and Superannuated Undertakers’ Orphan Society, they had been able to stay out and defy the Company, receiving all the while, every man of them, a stipend of 3s. 9d. a-wee they had almost come to the end of their resources, and all that they in hand towards next week’s fund for distribution, was £1 13s. 7d., received in coppers from the Deputy-Chairman of the Metropolitan Boys’ Boot- blacking Bri accompanied with an intimation that that help must be regarded as last that can be counted on from that quarter. Under these circumstances it became a question whether it was not almost time to consider some terms of compromise, In the above sense one of the speakers addressed the meeting, but he was speedily by another, who insisted that, ‘‘ come what might,” they would stick to their latest terms, which were, a three-hours’ day— (loud cheers)—and time-and-three-quarters for any vet expected after three o’clock in the afternoon. (Prolonged cheering. A Delegate here rose, and said it was all very well their cheering, but could they get it ? (4, Voice ”) For his part, pene continued, he had With wife and children starving at home, he had only one course open to him, and that was, to knock under to the Company and their ten-hours’ day, if they would have him. (Groans, amid which the Speaker had his hat knocked over his eyes, and was kicked out of the assembly.) The ion was then continued, much in the same vein, and eventually culminated in a free fight, in which the Chairman got his head broken, on d ing that a Motion further limiting the work- ing day to two hours a half, was lost by a narrow majority. Y Directory’ Matual Anti-Labous Protection gratulated i i the existence of their employés. usual congratula were put, pro formd, ras pone and, amid a general secldestation of gloomy satisfaction, the meeting was further adjourned. ‘“‘A Salvage Man.”’ Ropyarp Keri has hit on a picturesque plan ; He describes in strong athe oer in Man.” Whilst amongst the conventions he raids and he ravages. We'd like just a leetle more ‘‘ Man” in his savages. the | cadenza composed by the ormer, and Srav IN SELF-DEFENCE. Jones (who has just told his best Story, and been rewarded with a gentle smile), ‘‘Uron M¥ worD, WOMEN HAVEN'T GOT THE REAL SENSE OF Homovr! Way, waen! HeaRD THAT STORY FOR THE FIRST TIME, ONLY LAST Werk, I SIMPLY ROARED !” Miss Smith. ‘‘So pip I—on ty iT was Last Yuan!” FROM OUR MUSICAL BOX, WE sent our Musical Box (Cox being unable to accompany him on the piano or any other instrument, by reason of the severe weather) to hear StavennHaGEN at St. James’s Hall, Thursday last, the 22nd. Our Musical B. was nearly turned out of the hall, he was in such ecstasies of delight over a enly concerto, which ‘bangs Banagher,” he said, subsequently translating the expression by explaining, ‘‘ that is, beats BeerHoven.” Our M. B. wept over a was only restored by the a ce—her first—of Madame ENHAGEN, who gave some- y’s grand scena far better, probably, than that somebody could ire on it himself, =s - it kind sa ine aoe A the clever STaVENHAGEN, whic especially those who were Liszt-eners. ‘‘ Al er,” writes our Musical Box, “a very big success, Music is thirsty work. I am now about to doa symphony in B. and 8,” VICE VERSA, A Port in the Forum asks the question, **Is Verse in Danger?” ’Tis a wild .-o—4 Is Verse in Danger? Nay, that’s not curse ; Danger (of utter boredom is in Verse! “Opp Maw Ovr.”—On Saturday last, the last among the theatri- cal advertisements in the Daily Telegraph was the mysterious one, “Me. Cuantes Svepen at Lisestr,” and then followed his address. ‘‘ At Liberty!” What does it mean? Has he been—it is a little difficult to choose the right word, but let us 5 ce Tr he been immured in some cell ?—for it does sound like a ** sell” of another sort—and has he at last effected a escape? No doubt Caanves, our friend, will be able to offer the public a satis- factory a when he re-appears on the Stage which suffers from his absence.

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52 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 31, 1891. PLAYING OLD GOOSEBERRY AT THE HAYMARKET; Or. The Dook, the Dancing Girl, and the Little Lame Duck, Waat is to be admired in Exgry Havrnor Jowes is not so much his work but his plack,—for has he not, in the first mart overcome the pradery of the Lord Chamberlain’s Li sant, ond, in the second ‘li hahiomed Melodram | on the and ket a oO “ the E ding die a Comedy y Girl Comet Walk a Lady = Dente Se%. ° Girl, a Comed: y-Drama, shall we eal io nerica. 4 the prominent figures are & wic fener vice the "Tioked Bara ked Baronet,” now earen a r the ducal rank will suit us nowadays, bless Puritan family, an honest bumpkia ben A we a © tending amen who lives a double-shuffling of life, an angel of a lame girl,—who, of couren, can't oat Sapien ane in for coroneta,—a sly, i cipled, and calcula kind or angel she is too, an sadlence that loves Melodrama is above g in uncharitable analysis of motive,—a town swell in nine, honest a more or less unscrupulous land- agent, and a ino, ee heavy father,” of the ancient type, with a good 4-fashioned melodramatic father’s curse ready at the right moment, the death sacindonrntio Star's es trans- pontine Melodrama, which will bring tears to the eyes of elderly'playgoer on Py --~ familiar formula, in situation, reproduced modern through the medium ie 4 At all events, Drusilla Ives, mace if sas **the Dancing Girl” —though as to Fina Tapieav, Act I. *O does not a Meeting (House) like this make amends? ” Ham Christison (Clown), “ Ullo! Oh my! I’m a looking at yer!” where she dances, how she dances, and when she dances, we are left pretty well in the dark ~ she only gives so , a a taste of her guy that it seemed like a very tation of - - Kate AUGHAN in her best da ~- Drasilta Reslstndinin ad et Guisebury,—a title which is in evidently artfully intended by at —-. “ Only Jones” to be a com- nd of the F Jy - ‘Guise am Pind the English ‘‘ Bury,”—who from is way of going on and playing ying old gooseberry with his property, might have been thus styled with advantage: and let us think and speak of him as His Grace or His Disgrace the Duke of Gooseberry. This Duke of Gooseberry visits, ‘‘ quite unbeknown,”— being, for this occasion only, the Dake of Disguisebury,—his own property the Island of St. Endellion, just to see, we suppers, sort of people the Quaker pawy may be from which his mistress, —_" - Jancing Quakeress (and nee funny she used to be at 4. Music Halls and at the Gaiety !), has sprang. For some reason or other, the Dancing Quakeress has gone to stay a few weeks with her family i in the country, and while this hypocritical Daughter of _—~ is with her Quaker belongings at prayers in the Meeting a a spirit moveth her to come out, and . oo out » within 0 yest of 0 Gs 5 she laughs and loudly with —_ , and then in “la © light bearted she finishing up with et of Kare Vavenan; all of which al freseo entertainment is given — the benefi the afore- | tha said Gooseberry within sound of the sermon and within of the Meeting House windows. Suddenly hee rustic Quaker " a kind of Ham Peggotty, lounges out of the Conventicle, which, | i as these persons seem to leave and enter just when it them, ought rather to be called a Chapel-of-Kase,—and, like the t clown that he is, says in effect, “ 1 m a-looking at yer! I’ve caught yer at it!” Dismay of Dook and Dancer!! then Curtain on a most b cuphationly ective situation. The Second Act is far away the best of the lot, damaged, however, by vain repetitions of words and actions. To the house where Miss Two “ Regular Dawgs” having a téle-d-téle. Dancing Girl is openly living under the protection of Gooseberry, the Duke’ fe ester Steward actually brings his virtuous and ingenuous young daughter! If ever there were a pair of artful, contriving, eming humbugs, it is this pane couple. Because the Duke saved her from being run over by his own therefore she con- eager ee to limp after him, and round him, and about him, on ble occasion, to say sharp, priggish things to him, to make ove to hie, and in the Third Act socraftily to manage as to spot him just as he is about to drink off a phial of poison, which operation, bein by a soliloquy of strong theatrical flavour cad cxgatlpoalie wth, tees the lame ope 0 Ss eoeaee of bens ons and arresting th Nobleman’s” arm the critical moment. Curtain, =e y fine dramatic situation. e Which nobody can deny.” It is in this same Third Act that the fine old crusted melodramatic h Hanes of the usual pered menials. An au- ri that can accept this pure | old-fashioned cheap-novel kind of clap-trap, and wit- ness, without surprise, the marvellous departure of all supperless, for no cause, or expli- —_ reason, not even an alarm of fire having been given, will swallow a con- siderable amount. The Fourth Act is an anticlimax, and shows up the faulty construction of the drama. Of course Acr III. the Pantaloon David Peggotty Gladstone Ives. news comes that “the I Dancing Girl is dead, and this information is aay = by a Sainte Nitouche of a “ater” of cenit Theatrical admitted after half- seven), Sore Soma, 9 A a Ey Equally, of ogatn, «ltr i which, as ex puting Gesnsbesy, induces the old cuss of a Posies father to shake h op Se Nobleman ”’ ; — by Dook is still his landlord, and the value of the going up a Fy it appears that the old — of an agent =, in uae, lenaeoveeneat of A? " ae ro. ag td —_ rally oy such an 0 tion y puss P pos os tents : ug hol of way, he offers her his hand, which she, the artful little hussy of a Becky & . = pe poe accepts, and down goes the factory and common a termination to a «good Melodrama as any | BP DA ok n-ne

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. ilistine of the Philistines could possibly wish. It would have epee poisoned himself JACK’S APPEAL. been a human tragedy indeed had poor Gooseberry A and the girl whose ite he had saved had ved just too late, only “ Tz is impossible for w t-office to die of a broken heart. But that ‘‘is quite another story.” bel chadiiieeies ya vith a ll pl mg The piece is well played all round, capoelly by the men. Army, and it must be very difficult to persuade them that the two cases are so Mr. Tree is excellent, except in the ultra- amatic parts, | essentially different as to afford no real for grievance.” — The “ Times,” where = io tn Ree Pes very best om ae od oo on“ An Earnest Appeal on Behalf of the Rank and File of the Navy.” inish of the Secon when, without a word, he sits in . : their before the fire lost im dismal thought, ‘This is admirable: Jack Tar to Tommy Atkins, loquitur — Tommy Arxivs, Tommy ATKINS, penmen write fine Of the Wooden Walls of Eng and likeways the Thin Red Line ; But for those as form that Line, mate, or for those as man them W Scribes don’t seem so precious anxious to kick up their lyric equalls. Not a bit of it, my hearty ; for one reason—it don’t pay ; There is small my Tommy, for a Drsprn in our day, Oh, I know that arter r your M.P.’s can wu and quote Tasty tit-bits from old Cuaney, which they all reel off by rote ; But if there is a cherub up aloft to watch poor Jack, That there cherub ain’t a poet,—bards are on another Tommy Arxins, Tommy Arxrys, Butt is sweet on ‘‘loyal toasts,” And he spends his millions freely on his equadrons and his hosts, ,| Bat there isn’t much on’t, messmate, not so fur as J can see, Whether ’tis rant or rhino, that gets spent on you and me. __ Still the 7imes has took our case up,—werry handsome o’ the Times /— I have heard it charged with prejudice, class-hate, and similar crimes, But it shows it’s got fair sperret and a buzzum as can feel When it backs us with a ** Leader” arter ting our ** A " You are better off, my Tommy, than the Navy Rank and You may ¢ to get promo’ —arter waiting a good while— But the tip-top of Tar luck ’s to be a Warrant Officer ; We ain’t like to get no further, if we even get as January 31, 1891.] Frnat TABLEAU. ’Tain’t encouraging, my hearty. As for me, I’m old and grey, Triumph of the Artful Agent and bis lame Duck of a Daughter, Sybil Slyboots, | "Tis too late now for promotion if it chanced to come my way ; alias Becky Sharp, afterwards the Merry Duchess of Gooseberry. And my knowledge, and my patter, and my manners—well I guess ’t be percisely fitted for a dandy ward-room mess. as perfect in its dramatic force as it is true to nature. !t is) They ma . without exception the best thing in the whole piece. Mr. F, Kenn | But the Navy of the Future, Tommy Arxins, is our care, as Reginald Slingsby, achieves a success unequalled since Mr. Ban- | We have gone through many changes, and for others must prepare. crorr played the parvenu swell Hawirze. It should be borne in| It will make the Navy popalar, more prospect of advance ; mind that Mr. Kerr only recently played admirably the stutter- | And what I say is, Tommy,—let the young wns have a chance ! ing shabby lover in The Struggle for Life. Il ira loin, ce bon | Some I know will ery ** Impossible,” and slate the scheme like fun. M. Kerr. Miss Juria Nerisow looks the part to the life: when | Most good things are ‘* impossible,” my Tommy,—till they're done : she has ceased to give occasional imitations of Miss Eten Terr, | aarter-decks won't fill from fokesels, not to any great extent i, , and can really play the as well as she looks it, then nothing Bat, give good men a better chance! I guess that’s all that’s i esired. others as good as need be, meant. , : ky pad on ahh cameos a6 ” As the Times says, werry sensible and kind-like, prejudice Though vey d at firet, dies quickly, melts away like thaw- struck ice; THE BOGEY, MAN! If every brave French soldier, with a knapsack on his back, (or of «Tay Player ho play foro”) a a ian, and wt ow ‘ et i te i the female mind in thrall! p:; “ eT) See : Ay sage m9 by indivest tence, See tana qoanet . been, so far as the Ladies | Find at last a “ Loff's” commission hidden somewheres in his kit ~~ c Qo) ee ee eae ee welie ie bpm code . 7 a ee f men played for nothing, they wo ad it enough.”’—James Par ] | 3 , ’T1s mighty well for Menfolk at Womankind to gibe, ‘ WAKING THEM UP. pes swear on do } care for games without some or | on he Fly-leaf from an Energetic Kaiser's Diary. sat e’en in James Payn’s armour there seems some weakish joints ; a ; ’ “ elorious Whist” ree ints!”?| 10 P.M.—Slip out of Opera and take somebody else’s overcoat from He docs net enroter “ie unless for ** sixpeany pointe! | cluak-room when nobody is looking, jamp into a four-wheeler. — called ou Whist! Whist! Whist! It charms the Bogey, Man : ‘drive to station. Am recognised, and a special train is Whist ! Whist! Whist! He'll play it when he can. — Give them the slip, onl get intoa rat 4 of third-class omnibus- But “‘ pointless Whist,” as Paw admits, is not at all his plan; train just about to start. You must have “‘ money on” to please the Bogey, Man! | 10 15 p.m, to 2°30 a.m.— Still in horse-box. 2°45 a M.—BStop ata big town. Hurry out. Stop for ticket. Now, Ladies lik * Ye lt male hucksters blame, at eds phe? hy to iy bey fem pam P Throw off disguise of somebody else’s overcoat, and declare myself. But only sordid souls deny that is the true ‘‘ grand e.”” Man’s vulgaver ambitions not just to play well and win ; Guard called out to escort me. When they are looking the other His eye is ever on the s his interest on the “‘ tin.” way, hide under refreshment-counter, and out of station unob- Whist! Whist! Whist! ‘That blatant Bogey, Man ! |gerved on all-fours, Am collared by « TE my de dy Whist! Whist! Whist! Hell flout us when he can. declare myself. Give policeman twenty marks, bind him to , “Indirect means” though, after all, are portions of Ais plan; ond sour, BOs —_ ri ne out ey mem mt address. ; A “6 ’ 1s Iront door ve stirred household. For all his brag he loves the ‘‘ swag,” the Bogey, Man! 4 ou. ‘to 5 a.M.—Find out the Archbishop. Bang at his front door till he | ow aie Reet eth et Cees wants to Se , d on earth’s the matter?” Hi corner. same ae wee | business, with more or less success, at the residence of the Chief Mr. i -and- ting. (Mr. CuAmBgRiatn presided lately at a Deaf-and-Dumb Meeting. ] Justice, then at that of the Clerk of the P and at th of any a JosurH reflecteth :— other officials I can call to mind u row Dear-mutes make the best audience, I see ; othee ete 1 on oat to pled, enaee eS comes out. Take They gave me no rude flood of gibes to stem. bugle from him, and give the call. in Command rubs his True, they were deaf, and so could not hear me, eyes sleepily, and says he’ll be down y: But they were dumb, so J could not hear them ! 5 A.M.—Hurry back to station. early cattle-train going back to Berlin. Jump on , and declare m ire Mavame Roraxp Re-Eprrep (from a sham-Japanese point of | ap h down line, and tear away with the cattle, at seventy tutw).—O Liserty! what strange (d tive) thin done in| miles an hour, getting back to Berlin just in time for breakfast. thy name! 5 at a Fancy I woke them up! Altogether, a very enjoyable outing.

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GENUINE ENTHUSIASM. (4 Thaw Picture.) Waat Matier aN Inco on Two oF Surrace-Water, 1F THE ICE Bt STILL SOUND UNDERNEATH ! “ROUGE ET NOIR!” Oe, JowaTuHan'’s Perrtexine Paosiem. (Some Way afler Hosea Biglow’s ‘‘ Jonathan to Juhn a Jmathan (who has been reading the Articles on ** The Negro Question wn the United States,” in the English ** Times’) log : — Ir may be ez you’re right, Joun, And both my hands are fall; You know ez I can fight, Jou, (I’ve wiped out “* Sitting Bull’. Ole Uncle 8 sez he, “ I guess We see our fix,” sez he, **The* Thunderer’s’ paw lays down the law, Acoordin’ to J. B. To equare it’s left to me Blood ain't so cool as ink, Joun ; Big words are easy wrote ; The ** coons”—well, you don’t think, Jouy, I'll let ’em cut my throat. Ole Unele 8. sez he, “I guess Ghost-dance must stop,”’ s«z he. * Sa the ‘ braves’ and black « x-slaves Hed b’longed to ole J. B, Insted of unto me?” Ten art’cles in your Times, Jou, Hev giv me vice. I mind th’ old Slavery crimes, Jouy. I don’t need tellin’ twice. Ole Unele 8. sez he, “I guess, I only guees,’’ sez he, ** Seven million black« on his folk,’ backs Would kind o’ rile J. B. Ez much ez it riles me!” ” The Red Man,—well, I s’pose, Joun, We’ il hey to wipe Aim aout. Sech pizonous trash «z those, Jon, The world kin do without. Ole Uncle 8. sez he, *‘ I guess Injuns must go.” sez he. ** CoopER’s Red Man won’t fit our plan, Though he once witched J. B. As once he fetched e’en me !”’ The Black Man! Ah, that’s wus-, Jony. The chaps wuz right, ay joost, Who said the Slavery cuss, Jouy, Wud Py come home to roost. Ole Unele 8. sez he, ‘I guess The problem set,” sez he, ** By that derned Nig. is black and big, And fairl zzles me, Ez it wad do J. B.” Your Times would right our wrongs, Jony. —Always wuz sweet on us !— Bat on dilemma’s prongs, Jouy, To fix me don’t you a. e Uncle 8. sez he, “* I gues, hough sic ’s good,”’ sez he. “s prea that he can sw: ller igned J. B. or me!” inti Pat up by you Thet swaggerin’ black buck Nig., Joun, Is jest a grown-up kid ; happy as oo ome, When doin’ wut he’s bid. J . sez he, “*I guess He’s hateful when he’s free. nal with Aim, that dark-skinn'd limb? No; that will not suit me, More than it wad J. B.!” Emigrate the whole lot, Joun ? Well, that’s a tallish task ! In Afric’s centre hot, Jonny, Send ’em to breed and bask ? Ole Uncle 8. sez he, ** I guess I’d be right glad,” sez he, **Bat—twill they go? ’Taiu’t done, you As easy as J. B. [ know, Wud settle it—for me!”’ Rouge—there I see my way, Joun. But Noir—thet’s hard to front! It wun’t be no child’s play, Jony, Seven million Nigs to » boy Ole Unele 8. sez he, ** I guess We've a hard row,” sez he, ‘To hoe just now, but thet, somehow, I fancy, friend J. B., Your 7imes may leave to me !”’ [Left cons:dering it. WELCOME BACK! {Mr. Sanriey, who has been long absent in Australia, reappeared at St. James’s Hall on Jan. 19, and was received with great enthusiasm. ] Back from your Australian trip ! Punch, my Cuarwes, your fist must grip. You have lighted on a time When we're all chill, choke, and grime. ’T were no marvel, 0 great baritone, Did you find your voice had nary tone. But there’s none like you can sing ** To Anthea,” ** The Erl-King.” Scuusert, Gounop, English Harron, Equally your Fine Art’s pat on. Punch can never praise you scantly. A votre santé, good Caances Santier!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 31, 1891, fy, Dh art / Wee aud S } We E (i ay \ “lilly lig} { v

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January 31, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 57 OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION. / Gs Ee he 73 \ 4 ‘P? PM ae Ww S TINUN Wik . a ‘ON THE SCENT.” e’s chided OLD Moraxrry and But no !—himself would veto that. Precise Attorney-General who never FOR BETTER—OR WORSE. [At the Anti-Gambling Demonstration recently held in Exeter Hall, Sir Richarp Wexster, the Attorney-General, said that it was sup b many that it was impossible to enjoy athletic pursuits without interested in a pecuniary sense. He should therefore like to add, not for the purpose of holding himself up as an example, that, during his entire interest in sports of all kinds, he had never made a bet. Au! these are days when Recklessness, bereft of ready cash, Will strive to remedy the void by speculative splash ; It is a salutary sight for Bankruptey and Debt— Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet. His interest in manly sports, an interest immense, Was ne'er degraded to a mere ** pecuniary sense ; His boyhood’s love of marbles leaves him nothing to regret— Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet. And’*"Hends or Talla?” re-eohoed for the faningy through th %. ; } ' “a *e Seeman ieee |" Hencouraged by his trathfoel remarks, I at larst wentured to let se He sternly scorned to toss the coin, howe’er his friends might fret— Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet. And when, an Undergraduate, he swiftly skimmed his mile, = —_ o = oe on him thei —— pile, e em not on his account in gam ways to get— This good Attorney-General who never made a bet. To play for money ruins whist: and seldom ean his Clab Persuade him to put counters (coins for Zulus !) on the rub ; He has been known for lozenges to dabble with pi uet ; He wasn’t Chief Attorney then, nor was it quite a bet. ite wise Lar may wat 4 ornament, Be jocks on all such ; For pure platonic ng ta poke cena yet— = to crawl away, but not ’till my frend had ee me with jest a Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet. St. Stephen’s, too, thinks much of him; but ah! his soul it pains To know that Speculation o’er the lobby sometimes : Ranpoirs and the g them on bended knees to never make « bet. We all are fond of him, in short, the Boxes with the Gods ; That he’s a first-rate fellow we would gladly lay the odds. e must not wound our pet made a bet. souinn they most suttenly id; and then he says to me, says he, * Do THE ARISTOTELIAN TREASURE-TROVE. Att have heard of ‘‘ a Manuscript found in a Bottle,” But here is a waif with romance yet more fraught : A newly-found treatise by old ARISTOTLE Is flotsam indeed from the Ocean of Thought. Oh, happy discoverer, lucky Museum ! Not this time the f scores off Jouw Butt. Teuton pundits would lift, for such luck, their Ze Deum / No Suaprea, Punch such a triumph to dull! May it all turn out right! Further details won’t tire us. We may get some straight-tips from that Coptic papyrus! ROBERT ON SKATIN’, Wett, I begins to agree with them as ape, cad oayn too as if they ment it, that noboddy can reelly tell what is reel grand injiy- ment till they trys it, and trys it wg = oe it a chance. I remembers how I used to try and li when I was much yunger than I am now, and stuck to it in spite of several black eyes when I stood pint, and shouts of, ‘*‘ Now then, Butter-Fingers |” when I stood leg, till a serten werry fast Bowler sent me away from the wicket with two black and blew legs, and then I guv it 7 I guv up Foot Ball for simler reesuns, and have never attemted not nothink in the Hathlettick line ewer since, my sumwat rapid increase in size and wait a hading me in that resolooshun. But sumhow it appened, dooring the hawful whether we has all bin a shivering threw for this long time, that I found my atenshun direckted to the strange fack that, whilst amost ewerybody was busily engaged in a cussin and swarin at the bitter cold and the dirty slippery sno, ewerybody else seemed to be injying of theirselves like wun-a-clock. Now it so appened that when waiting one day upon the young swell I have before spoken of, at the ‘* Grand Otel,” he was jined by another swell, who told him what a us day’s skating he had been avin in Hide Park! and how he ment to go agen to-morrer, “if the luvly frost but continue!” So my cureosety was naterally egsited, and nex day off I gos to Hide Park, and there I seed the xplanation of what had serprised me so much. For there was hunderds and hunderds of not only spectably drest Gents, but also of reel-looking Ladys, a skatin away like fun, and a lar away and sniping theivecloce jest as if it had bin a nice Summer's day. Presently I append to find myself a standing jest by a nice res 1 looking man, with a nice, ¢ bat locking chair, : seweral pares of Skates; and resently he says to me, quite permiscus-like, ‘‘ They all ame rd be a "inj ing theirselves, don’t they, Sir?” which ~ ou skate, Sir?” to which my natral pride made me reply, ‘Not much!” ‘ Will you have a pair on, Sir,” sa vy; ey: for atrial?” ‘‘Is there any fear of a axident?” says I. no, Sir,” | says he, “‘ not if you pt So my hinstrucshuns.” §8o I acshally sete | myself down in his chair, and lets him put me on a pair of Skates! The first differeulty was, how to get up, which I found as I coudn’t | manage at all without his asistance ; for, to say, both of my | feet insisted on going quite contrary ways. Howewer by g £ (on him quite tite round his waste, I at last manidged g three tn slides, and then I returned to the chair, and sat down in; and he was kind enuff to compliment me, and to say that he thort i was a gitti on fust-rate, if I woud only cum ewery day for about a week or so, he had no but he shood see me a skating a figger of hate like the best on ’em ! go of him and try a few slides by mys ‘ suckseeded hadmerably, but my bootifal stick to which I was}a trustin to elp me from falling, slided rite away from me in unnatral manner, and down I came on my onerabel seat, with such a amasher as seemed to shake all my foreteen stun into s cocked-hat, to speak, hallegorically, and there I lay sie nig ef brandy, which be eal Be kept n axidents as a me. hat with ing fi use of the skates, and the use of the Brandy, and the use of the too boys, and the use of « handsum Cab to take me to the ‘‘ Grand, ten ee Fete rasee Y Gish ney aiety ellen xciting may safe rm—as ve rretdy dono to ty better hart—whoee langwidge, when I related my hadwentur, is scarcely worth , as it was most certenly not complementary—that it shall be my Rosert, it f

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——_ [Jasvary 31, 1891, erie 3 oo i a REMINISCENCES OF SPORT IN THE SNOW.

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Jayvary 31, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | — A FREEZING POINT. (By a Frozen-out Lover.) THEY Ss me thou art cold, my A fact that t scarcely odd is. Gales half so cruel never beat Against poor human bodies. Cupid's attire is far too light To weather Thirty Fahrenheit. How cana glow the soul entrance, When frostbite nips the finger, And blushes quit the countenance To nigh the nostril linger ! Warmth were a miracle, in sight And grip of Thirty Fahrenheit. Chill! chill to me, my Paradise! ! I’ll not com lain or curse on. One cannot well be - a 9 To any mortal se er Mere icebergs am ulant, we fight Ferocious Thirty Fahrenheit. Cold art thou? Not so cold as I— Nought uving could be colder. I’m far too cold to sob or sigh, Still less in passion smoulder. I’m = fast to something As ome ~~ Thirty Fahrenheit. IxrormaTion RequirEep.—“ Sir, I see a Volame advertised entitled, Unspoken Sermons. 1 should be glad to know where these are preached, as that’s the place for yours truly, Ove wuo Snorzs,” Niw Book or Inten Lire.— The Bedad's Sons, By the Author of the tale of Indian Life, Zhe Begum’s | Daughters. '@ oH, THE DELIGHTS OF TRIAL BY JURY. TaEse GENTL} MEN ARE EXPECTED TO BE IN A JUDICIAL Frame OF MIND AFTER HANGING ABOUT THE PRECINCTS OF 1H CURT FOR SEVERAL Days, UNDER PENALTY OF A Heavy Finx, weiuk THEIR PRivaTE Business IN THE CITY AND ELSEWHERE [8 GOING TO THE Dogs, (WHY SHOULD Not HALF-PraY¥ OFFICERS DO THE WORK, AND RELIEVE Busy MEN ? ) to-dey after Christmas Recess, King Yah! Yah! Seotch Members take Apvocate brings in Bi lation ; the Seotch Mem’ ovens TIvuse of Commons, a January No Queen's Speech ; no moving ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. 22.—Both Houses met seconding of Address; no Royal Commission and pro- y ghia of Speaker to Lane strange, and . datenale a little sii fener Only Rosert Fow Ler rises Slustering about the Lobb ut about the y “like Boreas,” says Caus- TON, **Only not so rude,” says Haxzzy Lawson, jealous for the reputation of litan Members, even though some sit on the Benches , eppesite. With folded hands behind coat - rollicking stride, thunderous voice, and blooming coun- tenance, Sir Ropert 4 tively pervades the Lobb Personally receives Pore Hennessy; shakes hands Ne = everybody ; and Sosily or a moment under he duane -lit archway leading into House, presents | K inte: and attractive icture of the Glorified Al- erman. tt. 4 pmo Hm or priva » pith ine ancmnl Gi ceun sonpeedl, tend Metropo-| ance.) Garter K tear it to ribbons. Meanwhile other Members troop off to Lords, where spectacle is provided which beats the pantomimes into fits. Two new Peers to take their seats; procession formed in back room outside; enters from below Bar. First comes Black Rod, with nothing black about him ; then Garter King-at-Arms, a herculean personage, fully five feet hi h, with a dangerous gleam in his eye. sas the Royal Arms of Englanc quartered i in scarlet and blue and his manly back. Behind, in red cloaks slashed with ermine, eow Baron and his escort of two brother Peers. There being no room for them to advance in due procession, they fall into ne file, make their way to the Woolsack, where sits that ees of ivalry, that mould of fashion, that perfection of form, the Loxp Hicn CHANCELLOR. New Peer on one knee, presents bundle of paper to Lozp Cuascettor. L. C., coyly turning his head on one side, gingerly takes roll, hands it to "Aitendant, Ton Peer ¢~ up; procession a my A. to hey book qa Fhe ow rw -at- comically short oti es for ‘po arent a di follow, Black Rod solemnly for pee de megs by ~ goat as if playing of Follow-m making oft to the rent walks up angway to row of empt Benches. Stops at th row but foe, Ga passes along. New Peer wants to follow’ him. him. Garter K in haw Romy in chest with small stick, and tells him 7 i. to the mich abe. This he does, sn escort. Meanwhile k Rod left out in the cold. Garter K motions to three hes to be seated ; tells them to put on ther cocked-hats; counts ten; nods to they rise to feet, uplift cocked hats ‘in direction ‘of i Cmapentice on Woolsack. He Soy his in return of salute. Three Peers sit down again. Garter counts ten ; nods ; B they get , salute Loup CHANCELLOR ; sit wh once more. ne—two— four —ten,” ing mumbles to himself. ‘on more Gey rise; salute Lonp Cuan- es; ;, an Garter King leading the way, they march back to ool Bac: Garter King now introduces new Member to Lory CuAnceton. L. C. starts as if he had never seen him before; then extends right

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60 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——$—$—__ [January 31, 1891, ——__, hand ; New Peer shakes it, procession reformed, walks out behind Bar. A few | minutes later, another comes in, all the business done over again. Impressive, | but a little monotonous, and as soon as possible after its conclusion Noble | Lords go home. Bustness done.—In Commons, Private Bill Legislation Bill read «Second Time. | 'viday.—W™s. O’ Buren, standing with tear-stained face on pier at Boulogne | waving wet handkerehief across the main, has drawn away Justin McCarrny, | who can’t be back till Monday. Pamweit was to have come to-day, and, | ing believe to be still Leader of United | Irishmen, asked Oty Moratiry to set aside day for discussion of his Motion on operation | of Crimes Act. Bren Fox accordingly looked | in shortly after Speaker took the ir. “Seen Bauer Rassir anywhere about, Tosy ?” he asked, So I'up and told bim about mcCameny's} new j to —— “Oh, inde .” said Burr Fox; ‘if that’s | po ey A think I a p Bons - t. an engagemen Ww ; think | I’ll go and keep it. Not used to hanging about here, as you know; awful bore to me; but as long as Bren Ransrr comes here, must be on spot to vindicate my position. So I'll say ta-ta. No—never mind ringing for fire-escape ; can walk down the steps to- day. hus there being no Irish Leader on the a and hardly any Irish Members, a rare chance for a' ing to British \ (// i business. CHannine brought on question of ! sy i working Overtime on the Railways; moved Dr. Channing in the Pulpit. Resolution invoking interference of Board of Trade. Question a little awkward for Government: Couldn’t afford to offend Railway Directors, yet wouldn’t do to flout numerous body of working-men, chiefly yoters. Proposed to shelve business by appointment of Select Committee, Opposition not going to let them off so easily. Debate kept up all night, wind- ing up with critical Division ; Government majority only 17. ‘And this,” said Ovp Moratrry, with injured look, “after Prowxer’s brilliant oration on the time-tables of the London and North-Western Railway Company! If he’d only illustrated it with ic-lantern, things would have gone a ey ye But he was obstinate ; oid there would be difficulty in arranging the slides, and so rejected p . Business done.—CHANNING’s Resolution about Overtime on Railways negatived by 141 Votes against 124, HOMAGE TO SIR JAMES HANNEN, Srr,—As the recognised organ of the legal ession, will you permit me to address you’ It is common knowledge ir get the last few days the Right Honourable Sir James Hawwew has been raised to a dignity greater than that he has been able to claim for the last eighteen years, when he has sat as President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High Court of Justice. On leaving the Court in which so many of us were known to him, he was kind enough to say, ‘‘ Those eighteen years had been eighteen years of happiness to him, chiefly arising from the advantage he had in having | before him habitually ising in that Court Barristers who had felt that their part was just as important as his in the administration of Justice, and | who had assisted him enormously. Without their assistance, his task would have been an arduous one, whereas it had been, as he had said, an ble one.” As I personally have had the honour of a ring before his Lordship for many years, I think that it is only right that I should make some acknow- ledgment of this kind ry wy of my services. It is quite true that I have felt, as Sir James Hanwwew suggests, that my part (humble as it may have been) has been just as important as his in the administration of Justice. But it is gratifying to me beyond measure to learn that my invariable custom of bowing to his Lordship on the commencement and conclusion of each day’s forensic 4 ties—which has been the limit of my “habitual practice” in the Probate Division—should “ have im enor- ru TMD mously.”’ can only say that, thanks to his un kindness and courtesy, my daily recognition of his greetings from the ch, instead of being an arduous task, ever been an agreeable one. I have the honour to remain, Sir, your very obedient servant, ( Pump- Handle Court, January 24, 1891, A. Brrertzss, Junior. ** Pro-pie1ous!” —In last Sunday’s Observer we read that at St. Peters- burg Madame Metna, as Jubette, ‘was recalled thirty-one times before the proscenium.” The italies are ours, rather! If this eort of thing is to be Sepented du ing the Opera season here, and i is recalled in proportion to his or her merits, the audience will not away till the following morning. Juliette must have said, on the » oP is such sweet sorrow, That I could say ‘ good-nigh / usual chorus of operatic habitués will be, ‘‘ We won’t go home till morning, THE FRIEZE OF THE PARTHENON, ————— ENGLAND To ATHENS :— O Queen of Cities, with a crown of woe, Searred by the ruin of two thousand years, By fraud and by barbarian force laid low, Buried in dust, and watered with the tears Of unregarded bondmen, at on, Crushed in the shadow of their Parthenon ; —— the Till daylight doth appear!” with refrain, “‘ For—she (or he)’s a jolly good singer,” &c., ad infinitum, or sad taf mest mightom.” 4 Mother of heroes, Athens, nought availed The Macedonian’s triumph, or the chain Of Rome; the conquering Osmanli failed, His myriad hosts have trampled thee in vain. They for thy deathless body raised the pyre, And held the torch, but Heaven forbade the fire. Then didst thou rise, and, shattering thy bands, Burst in war’s thunder on the Muslim horde, Who shrank appalled before thee, while thy hands Wielded again the imperishable sword, The sword that smote the Persian when he came, | Countless as sand, thy virgin might to tame. Mother of freemen, Athens, thou art free, Free as the spirits of thy mighty dead ; And Freedom’s northern daughter calls to thee, ** How shall I help thee, sister? Raise thy head, | O Athens, say what can I give thee now, I who am free, to deck thy marble brow ? us ATHENS REPLIES :— Shot-dinted, but defiant of decay, Stand my gaunt columns in a tragic line, The shattered relics of a glorious day, Mute guardians of the lost Athena’s shrine. The flame of hope, that faded to despair Ere Hellas burst her chains, is imaged there. Yet one there was who came to her for gain, Ere yet the years of her d were run ; And with harsh zeal defaced ruined fane pcliing my bone Sn teaiaaions hand, | ing my home wi ’ ie bers his captives to a foreign land. Ilissus mourns his tutelary Cee ie oti teak recline : Lost is the Horse of Night that erstwhile trod My hall; the god-like shapes that once were mine | Call to me, ‘* Mother save us ere we die, Far from thy arms beneath a sunless sky.” How shall I answer ? for my arms are fain To clasp them fast u e rock-bound steep, Their ancient home. Athens yearn in vain, And all in vain must woful Hellas weep ? Must the indignant shade of Puipias mourn For his dear city, free but how forlorn ? How shall I answer? Nay, I turn to thee, England, and pray thee, from thy northern throne Step Sou and hearken, give them back to me, te) ite, give me back mine own. generous Thy jewelled forehead needs no alien gem Torn from a hapless sister’s diadem. (> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will there will be no in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule Cort

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ae ae nine | y hal | ~ GURIOUS OLD HIGHLAND WHISKIES 7 10 16 & 265 pears in weed, | ice por doc. 48/- 60/- 72/- 280/- An eminent Medical Authority, in reovm- mending the moderate use of Whisk#, states that on no account red. Whisky i be used unless it is vena matu Detailed List on applicat | MOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. Whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. OLD IRISH WHISKY. CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY, Limited, Head Offices: MORRISON'S ISLAND, CORK. COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. KINAHAN’S -rne conn roam LL ani WHISKY. WHOLLSOMR, THE PRIZE MEDAL, OUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. GUILDFORD STREET, YORK ROAD, LAMBETH, 8.8, HOWARD BEDFORD PORTABLE RAILWAY 10 CURE ALL HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HEADACHE, USE HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Tested in many of the severest cases, and always proved effectual. They contain no opium, bromides, or narcotics, and the highest medical anthorities have pro- nounced them harmless. Thousands now attest their value, and non> need suffer from headache. A TRIAL WILL CONVINCE. Bee that you get HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Your own Chemist, and all the Wholesale Houses. Price ls. 44, per box, Post Free from J. K. MATTERSON, CHEMIST, 108, NEW OXFORD ST., LONDON. THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY oSugir. Is not stored in Sherry Caste. fe open GOUT, & XIDNEY COMPLAINTS. * Certainly seems to deserve its name.”—Lascet. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. GEO. BACK & CO., Devonshire Square, London. UAM-VAR WHISKY. THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. USED IM THE PALACE AND THE SHISLING. THE BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest awards, Kreommended by the Medical Faculty. INNES & GRIEVE, BDINBURGH aad LONDON. J. EXSHAW & COS "espe ton ae BRANDY. T. WwW. Seontamnn & Co HORSE CLOTHING AND RUGS. ew Designs and Patterns. Perfect ft. All Wool. wr rite for Patterns (cont re free) to the Westnon- D Woottes Co London Meme ¢ lothing, 13, tbeunetey’ Strect, Piecadilly, W. MILWARDS’ NEEDLE-GASES. FOR CHRISTMAS asp OTHER PRESENTS. THE PRETTIEST axy MOST USEFUL poy Spon the name “ WARD,’’ peeled Makes : Th» Tray Neeae met ed Needie Case, xc., he. ve Upwarseof tw Varietion 43% | Puusten coaTs WATERPROOFED, Two measures only required — Chest and Height. Price Five Guineas. PATTERNS FRE, BOYD & C0., BELFAST. “HEAVIEST POSSINLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE'S PLATE, (ieeo.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvarr 31, 1891. POWELL’ S BALSAM ANISEED, For COUGHS, ASTHMA, BKONCHITIS, Sc. Sold by Chemists throughowt the world. Ne family should be withow _ Paris, Neral, BReberts, Hogg; Hrusse's, narmacie Maker; Motterdem, Bauten Kolff. etablished over 60 years, Pr repared only by THOMAS POWELL, Blackfriars Boad, Lendea. DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS ULSTERS. 25, CONDUIT ST., W. for House Protretion, Traveller, oad for Military Purposes, takes eal a and ail other y} Pistol Cartridges, COLT’S LIGHTNING MAGAZINE RIFLES, For Lorge and Gms It Game, Kook Shooting, | Target Practice, COLT’S REVOLVERS cnrsics oS Ot Soe Daren eee 60 Eee, Fd n- rhee List free, zh. and a cont’s FIREARMe te. aT) Pa: 1 all, London, 6. W. CAMEL FOUNTAIN PENS. A Whole Letter with One Dip. ¢ pens for all my drawings on or W004 ona’ oar Camet’ pens are the Veet lever handled.” —Linter Sawnovane. In One Shilling Boxes. Of all Stationers or ORMISTON & GLASS, 17, St. Bride St., E.C. ~ ’ bh CENTLEMEN’S WICS, am, Ferfoct imitations of Matare. fs = cightic » wigey Sppear- Unsbr inkable Material, ; lnstrections for reif measure: Ment on applic cation. CHAS. BOND & SON, 64, OXFPUKD STREET, 'w. Bp -riall ste also for Ladivs’ Wigs and “cai pettes fend for I! wetrate Catalogue. “ EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1889, CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED NUTRITIOUS. DELICIOUS. DICESTIBLE. Tins, 1s. 6d. and 2s. 64, SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAVELLERS, DELIOATE CHILOREN, WEAK DIGESTIONS, COCOA ano MILK obtainable everywhere. Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BSSWARE OF IMITATIONS OF NOTH RAD 44ND BROWN LaneLs. MAPPIN & WEBB'S TABLE KNIVES. = TEA. A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, prepared under Swettivo’s Patents improves the fi.vour of tes, sbriete digestion, seothes yet refreshes. SOLD retail by ali Grocers. THE Hor TIA CO,, Lan., ST. GEORGE'S House, VASTCHEAP. 4. §, and 1 Dh. samples With tretimoniats, &c., will be sent on Peetipt of P.0.0 NB Wholesale ony, therefore no second samp'ec whi! be sent. Signature (as above) in Hine Ink neroes the Labe! on exch Jar of the Genuine Extract. HOME CURE FOR DEAFNESS. a noted aure , bn) se ‘ bys of Daring Deafue ny je the Mew eel fare te eweted etl om the Mev Dd q Ww, Borieeh of the Larsonng *, mult n und Wychwood, ‘Try the Fy par ym ty all meanest ATE rate, and hi ee ae ev ve DE vene a "6. “ wba London et ‘ tr 38, Warwick Te GOLDEN Hn PERVECTLY HARMLESS. fold by Fortean 8 Semich throughoet Agents: BR. HOVENDEN & FONE, Lownoe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —JaNuaRY 31, 1891. N £420 fo 114 to 120, REGENT STREET, and 22, CORNHILL, LONDON. PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. 10, MOSLEY STREET, MANCHESTER 89, NEW STRE&T, BIRMINGHAM, 60, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL OUTFITTER. scare ~ . AN EXTENSIVE SELECTION OF HOMESPUNS NIcoLu’s world-famed Fur-LinED OveRrcoaTs from £8 18s. 6d, Well The latest and most recherché materials and designs, including many original cut—good furs—fine English cloth, novelties, are now on view for Ladies’ CostUMES, JACKETS, ULSTERS, and New SurTines from £3 3¢., in the latest rough texture materials as now | WRAPS, worn, Spécialité Ripixe Hasits.—Particular attention is drawn to NICOLL’ COATINGS, OVERCOATINGS, and TROUSERINGS of the finest manufacture. | Patent 8 afety HUNTING SKIRT, with which dragging is absolutely impossible, SERVANTS’ Liveries, from pecially manufactured Cloths, at moderate ~ cs.

For PLEASURE and PROFIT. | LOHSE’S Th Tr ee mee is [LEA & PERRIN FRUIT) EA MAGlocKcHENt) DENTIFRICE SAUCE. Nothing so Profitable and E : LILY OF THE VALLEY Tho Original and Genuine ‘* Worcestershire Sauce,” S ACRES IN STOCK. ¢ > For HOT and COLD ACRES Im WATER tee CATSLOOUS fr Simp't, iosrartons and PERFUME ss sailnielineal E MEATS, de of Trees to suit ali Soils I tsa Sweet F | parts a Sweet Fragrance to the Karara Is ( ooling and Kefreshing to the Moura. GRAVIES, | . And takes away smell of Tozacco. R O Sy Ee S| | t are the most fashionable in the world N. BH —The success of this the first liquid D nt frice SALADS, < Sold by ati tngh cluss Jerfumers | * in Ee land has led to many tstatovs SOUP | a+” mitations, It ecens for p vasers tu se 8 GUSTAV LOHSE, ser.in 1. & C.’s signature band om each Muttle 4 20 ACRES BUSHES, Bottles, Is. 6/., 2s. 6d., 4s, 6¢., and . 6d., of all GAME, Chemists end Stores. or sent, post free, from 8s. per doz.; 60s. per 300 55, HOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL FISH, Pehng at cat PA cx wt enter FLOR DE DINDICGUL. HOOPING COUGH. va HOSES IN POTS, from l5+. per 4 The new MEDIUM MILD INDIAN CIGAR. OKNAMENTAL TREKS #1 ACKES, | A most detightful weed, full of fine aroma and CROUP. FOUK ACRES OF GLASS delicate flavour. e them . better than Havannehs. ‘ene should samonle ROCHE’S HERBAL EMBROCATION. CLEMATIS (80,000), its, I8s., and 24s. per doz these really excelient cigurs, Prices 22s. and 20s ne « brated effectual cure without internal SREDS ape BULNS—Vroeersece, Prowens, anv | per 100 (post free). Samples four for 1+. (14 stamp -) cine. Sole Wholesale Agents, W. Epwaaps & Peau Desc riptive Listes Free —HEWLAY & OO. (Limited), @ and 74, *trand, 157, Queen v ictoria Street, London 43, Cheapsiwe, E €. Tobacconists to 80:4 by most Chemists. Price és ae Dottie. RICHARD SMITH & C0., ines © tna Royal Family, Motabliched over 100 vea's. Paris—K. Acaap, 328, Kue St. Martir Bignatuce is on every Hottle of the Genuine Letters (o the Head Depot @, strand New York—Foveras & Co., North William Btreet and Original. —— —s

CHANCERY LANE “== SAFE, DEPOSIT

Annual Rent of Safes Annual Rent of Strong from Rooms from | to 5 Guineas. 8 to 90 Guineas. ? BOP PPB PDP PLP LP PPD LL I THE CHANCERY LANE SAFE DEPOSIT is established to provide, by means of Fire-proof and Burglar-proof Safes and Strong Rooms, an invulnerable, «ecret, and inexpensive Depository for Title Deeds, Jewellery, and Valuables of every description. Writing, Waiting, and Telephone Rooms for the use of Renters, free of charge. A Separate Room is provided for Ladies. ADVANTAGES.—THE CHANCERY LANE SAFE DEPOSIT is constructed in such a manner as to render it absolutely impregnable both to the ravages of Fire and the most persistent attacks of the Skilled Burglar. It is lighted throughout with the Electric Light, and no expense has been spared in making it one of the most complete and useful institutions of its kind, Each Renter has entire control of a separate Safe, thus combining absolute security with strict privacy. Renters have the use of elegant Writing, Waiting, and Telephone Rooms, Free of Charge, and can have post letters addressed to them at the Chancery Lane Safe Deposit. PROSPECTUS and CARD to VIEW Post Free on Application §] & 62, CHANCERY LANE, LONDON, W.C.

Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. \ieratne René, HNotloway, im the Parish of St. Islip im the C.uaty of Midd t the Printi Khesva:d street, in the Piecinas of Wiiteiringe, 13 sie Gity of Londen, apa Publishes OF bim a: Bo. , Fines Surset, in the Parish of & of int Sa ¢ + ee fl ‘ NS need PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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il gap PART ONE, 2x an elegant SOCIETY BY cloth cover with gilt edges, for the GEORGE drawing-room table, will be published ba | G T U R FE S DU

> ° VOLUME ONE HUNDRED. —— i — FEBRUARY 7, ven meee US bY OL el ™ ti BRIS. eH 4 re Ny % : | } d OY K fi I \ e N i} | an { ij ," f ' Ai. ny » i 4" fi be, Np ye ‘ , ff APs Ly —— OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. “~~ 4 AND BOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, : — on February 10th. Price 6s. 6d. From “ PUNCH.” MAURIER,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Fesevary 7, 1891. SAINT MONICA. | OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL NOW READY. Crown tro. 2. 64. i. ONB OF THE MOST ECUNOMICa, Prom the Peacrc BOuaser Zerrowe, Dee. 6th, 1680. TRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE nado ta Translation: “Mrs Rennett- ld wards hee by her portrays! of character and plot set forth in the most convincing manner how « truly talented writer con surmount the greatest dificaities and how much pa im the falfilment of « high mise on lies TON | th those who are soldiers for the triemph of rig ani the edvence of tnowledge Writer out haere a =e Xd a PURE eee | = (000 A Hore. Merron THE. ENGLISH _ _ op. ' ILLUSTRATED MACAZINE eZ “ as. BEST & For FEBRUARY. profusely ilhustrated, price 6d.; by post, 64 a. Gabvage at Dunwich ingraved by BR. Paterson Sa | GOES FARTHEST. Russian Girlhood Madame Romancff. AGnity. HB. Frenklin Nash m am - : Nerwich. K. Owen Alisop. Ulustrated by C. 0. ie ae - ; Murray ae © British Guiana. Sir Charles Bruce, K.C.M.G ny ete 7 liieetrated : se o Ww; im Prison. Mra. Watts-Jones. Tilus- “> “a Z trated ae ~stic- Across me Be poy | Athentie ta ° Seepete Boat. se P Z Tre “7 An cer « Ho liiwet . ~ - - The Witch ot ee Chaps. 1x —XI. ‘con ; , % Pa tn tinard ¥ Marion Crawford. liiustrated by . 2. 3 of W. J. Hennessy —— “3 g Be tor od MACMILLAN & ©CO., LONDON L “3 " ‘ ; bse MACMILLAN's Macazine, e ; - syne 1 a. toe _ cae, x - june _ Ti oe ws 7 : ie é ° yl Vb. A ai ® Saerase Se wen eel” mee co 8B. He Fell Among Thieves; by 1). Christie Mu ray “Copyright” of Messes. Cha, LMall, London. . A a} i) (“4 and Henry Herman (napters KIV.—XVIiI 6 Pree Schools; by T. 7. Macnamars ° j 6 She Sotermer of French Catholiciem; by W MARK TAPLEY. BARGAINS F ey — | . 4 An Idy! of Delhi; by Herbert Compton. ®tock 7 Oty Herbert Edwardes at Peshawur; by F MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT GREAT °° = © See » 8. An American Bronche ; by Arthur Paterson 9. The Last Dream of Julius Boy ; by Ernest Bhys 7 10. Leaves from & Note Book First produced and designated Corn Flour by REDUCTION IN Prices MACMILLAN & CO, LONDON BROWN & POLSON in 1856. Until the end of February. PATTERNS and SALE PRICE ONE #HILLING MURRAY'S MAGAZINE BROWN & POLson’s CORN FLOUR PRICES, showing the enor- Cowvente ven Pesevene mous advantages, post free Esther Vanhomrigh haps IIT. and IV Ry on approval. Margaret I. Weods General” Booth's Scheme Ry i Clarence Howne—Maxims fer Novel. HAS THE LONGEST HISTORY AND HIGHEST REPUTATION. ALL NEW Writers By FEgomet A Turkish Brigand SES eager pacers | HOLLANDSCHE TANDMDDELEN. DRESS Goons p Public Opinion and Strikes. Hy J. 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The ' Acaric’ PPT TC iatiaey | tits so softly onthe shoul- Specis. st “HOME CURE FOR DEAFNESS.” ees real eee Waa HO RE F ESS. COLDEN BRONZE HAIR etl gay bSY dors and is BF totes A book, by & noted Aura! Surgeon, describing « . - )2e elastic ie mn called sis fyste » of Curing Deofness and Noises in the Head, | The lovely nuance “ Chatain Feneto” ean be | Attention is also drawn to their new“ Graduated | that whilst @ to the |itts by which a seif-cure is effected at home. The Rev. | imparted to Hair of any colour by using BRINE. | Serivs of Pens,” one pattern being made inddegrees | giving to Vg P clip for sup W. Harlock, of the Parsonage, Milton-under- | fold only by W. WINTER. 472, Oxford 8t., London. | &f Sexibility, and each in 3 widths of points. | gyery possi- . Coane Pp : Wychwood, writes:—‘Try the Bystem by all | Price 6s. 6¢.. Ws. 6d., 21s. For linting grey or faded Assorted Sample Hox of either series, 64., oF by | 516 strain it = : od the ' rawers. means, it is first-rate. and hes been of the Hair ZRINE ie invalua post for 7 stamps from the Works, Hiawimmronas t service tome.” Post Pree 4¢ is virtually impercepti- DE VERE & CO., Publishers, 22, Warwick Lane, L ublishers, arwic b! to the =a comme |STRERTER & COMP.’S SPECIALITIES. vs s 00DS FOR THE FAT. The Enz, pao Fonts oes LC a Con Phys —_ D!AMONDS, white, and modern cut, a » Ip B ; on e Vd rh u a © o oc est Presest MAN . 4 ° bicwed "Wort Few of cnr fat friends will UBIES f th i eon 's ‘blood col ur, ’ OF ALL HOSIERS ee. as ¥ win dows for them cn the nes mndiented in thi R co owt oo - e Pp & 0 er —. eGo tate tone Peet es ppt (3.) to P. Department, Centra! Depot, 6, Phil London: CHATTO & WINDUS, 214. Piccadilly SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, | Lane, Londom. i C., and & pair wil | by return of post EERINGS sou PEARLS of the finest lustre, DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. a For ACIDITY of rus STOMACH, HEARTHU LY, Corsxnacen RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and Soneens, coe, as Sasearees HE RY BRANDY. DIAMONDS of all colours. LL FA p PLE GERRY liqueur. | STREETER & COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St, London. pe Pa Ele ay

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DS ured Bes SOF, rs, ‘ON

Fesruary 7, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 don’t 9 eum ay : THE “MODEL HUSBAND” CONTEST. /|S%?.7m py ant wna. ScENE THE Pineeait the GaLAHAD-GREENS’, Mrs. Ferd J. I—I wasn’t gigg’ » Mowancm dear, only — Mrs. G -G. GALAMAD Mr. M. J. Only what ? rs, M.-J. Only crying ! ~G. (meekly); My love ? Tue Srqvet. Mrs. G64 see that the p of All Sorts are going to| ‘“‘ The Judges sppsteted weed A spirited proprietors of All Sorts to follow the American example, an _ a prize of £20 to the wife Fs makes out the best case for her — _— r. a Model. It’s just as that you should know ae et Pee poe Me up my mind to enter oe G.-G ‘gor My dear Connex ! | really, I ’d no idea you such a Mrs. G. oy Nonsense! The draw- ing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, and, as you can’t, or won't, provide the money in any other way, why—— Me Would you - to hear what I’ve

a ~ said about you Mr. 7 ee .-G. ore. if you’re sure it woeldn't be troubling you too muc Mrs. G.-G. “G.‘Than att where I can ove you, and listen. (She reads.) “ Trreproachable in all that to morality ”—(and it would be a bad day ee ed for ou, GaranaD, if I ever had cause to think otherwise /)-—*“ scrupulous! y dainty and neat im his person ”— (ah, ag yell blu GaLauaD, but, fortunately, they won't want me to produce you!)—‘‘ he imports into our happy Sees the delicate re mpend of a preuz chevalier of the olden time.” (Will you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) ‘*‘ We rule our little kingdom me AT. a ‘os and cone om ‘sr Pad tones sae Jelena and friction are alike unknown ; he. gent to my womanly wi eakness,”—(You need not —— or me ‘in that perfectly idiotic fashion |}— ‘I, looking to him for the wise and tender support which has never yet et been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of many years has discovered ”—(What are you shaking like that for? ) —‘* discovered no single weakness ; no taint or flaw of character ; no irritating trick of or habit.” (How often have he admitted he had been c= for the responsible | of call- pememeieanery. ur e lar age = of a nw represen a 7 which he happened to have brought with him on the back -a-crown, an Our eontedirs te toyed eolding t between eg dws al per aa finger the right We give the result in Our gee « ve’s own **Come this way,” said the ven vee “the sight of the coin seemed to operate like some talisman, leading me to a remote part of the stage, the floor of which had been tastefully littered with oran al mes So way ; ‘* we shall be comfortabler.”

ow tell me,” I bout this new ples.” “It’s what they call a ’ Tragedy,” said the boy. **Ah!” I replied, _ that fa tasenarees i but want to know about the Author. {do you think of him ?” ‘*The horther? Oh my! !” said Hog ucing an pple from his trousers’ pocket, but his right eye still fixed on the Sienen, **’e don’t count. Why we none of us pays no attention to ’im. Crikey, you should ’a seen im come a cropper on his nut down them new . But, look ’ere, Sir,” he continued, more solemnly, **T’m a tellin yer secrets, I am; i ames vere to ’ear of it, I'd get a proper jacketin’. Swear you won I gave the requisite pledge And that ere arf-crown?” he said. I nodded assent to w nt was evidently in his mind. Then he resumed. ‘It’s a beautiful The play, I mean,” he explained ; being fearful lest I should yald consider him as over-eager for the coveted and covenanted reward. ‘I’m sure o’ that. The horther says 80, and a says so, and Miss O’Grapy says so; she ’s got the ’eroine to ,—and oh, don’t she die in the lawst Act ust proper, with pink Bei t anda couple 0 angels to carry ’er up! Then there’ s Mr. Keane ’Arris, ’e touches ’em all up with ‘is sword, ‘ places his back to the wall, and defies the mob,’ is what the book, aay s. So you may take it from me, it’s fust-rate "I thanked i my intelligent little friend for his i and was put a further question about the music for this new song 7 as everyone will soon know, is to be a real chef with | a’ omen of Sir Havrnor el tae a step was heard approach- ing across the stage—the deepest, by the way, in London—to where we were ing. “That’s ’im,” said the , trembling. ‘‘’E’s a noble-’earted master, 80 kind ‘and generous, ut ’e ’ates and it would be more than my place is worth to let "im eatch me talking theee ’ ere And, bef oven fo ghana y pation of the tract, h lore I was a carry out my 0 con e was gone, And in another moment—so was I.

VOL. ¢, 9

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62 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 7, 1891.

BRUIN JUNIOR. “ May this be my poison, if my Bear ever dances but to the very genteclest of tunes, ‘ Water-parted,’ She Stoops to Conquer. * The Minteat in Ariadne,’”

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Viceroy (to M s India, loquitur). ‘‘ Don’t BE ALARMED, MY DEAR ! Tas BEAR NEVER DANCES BUT TO THE VERY GENTEELEST OF TUNES!” Lord Lanspowne, loquitur :— But Ursa’s invited to come, and delighted : doesn’ To visit you, not as aggressor, but guest. = “smarting ome! & 5 ome 6 eden him brightly, and treat him Or — ing, or hugging, this young Dancing | politely, With you (and with pleasure) he’ll tread a gay measure, u A captive af courtesy, under my care ; -™ | Atra nobly.” ee us) “* danced _ wr ite en, — _ | To - cone young guest is a true Arra ant eae © cnet Gack bene which Caidly | No B bow ‘though shaggy, a trifle breech- Sincere hospitalit is, in reality, - ea ae All Bears and their dens, in the Tiger's Meanwhile Ursa Minor eschews base design, or Intrigue against you, dear. Lift eyes, love, and laugh ! I'll answer for Bruin, he shall not take you in— The Bear’s bona fides nobody impugns ; He a x _— lance, and your hand in a He'll yy “*to the very genteelest of tunes”! _ THE UP-TO-DATE CONVERSATIONIST. He (at the end of a turn). I see there’s been a row in Chili—what do you think about it ? She. I don’t know the place—isn’t it some- where in America ? He. I shouldn’t be surprised if it were, but my geography’s shaky. [I rather fancy it’s somehow connected with pickles. She. Oh, then it’s a mistake their quar- relling, as I s mae it will be hard upen the ogg espec during the winter ? Fancy that’s the idea. Been to the Guelph -_~ 7 ? She. Yes, and I think it’s a pity they took the jewels’out of Gzorce THE Fourtn’s Crown. I should like to have seen the Koh-i-Noor. He. But they wanted them for the one at the Tower, don’t you know, and as for the Koh-i-Noor, was that invented in his time ? She. Perhaps it wasn’t. Stay, wasn’t it discovered by Captain Coox, or Daraxg, or somebody ? He. I op y- I have never looked the matter up. opos, One-pound Bank-notes are to be i ¥. She. Are they ? I suppose they will be useful for chan He. § Saldn't | age ey but don’t pre- tend to know anything about it. By the way, do you take muc interest in the subjects we have been discussing ? She. Not the faintest. He. No more do I!

[ Waltz continued,

DEARNESS AND DEARTH. “Spanish onions are rising in price, though probably only iat ’—Daily News.

Wit it be long, On dee ? For the people watch and wait, Till the strength of the onion makes them strong, At only the normal rate. And their eyes are dim with tears, And ache with the need of sleep, And watch till the lapse of the lapsing years Shall make the onions cheap. | | Cheap, y love, cheap | Sleep, my love, eep ! Onions are dear, love, but sentiment ’s cheap! Il. Listen! Is ita voice alling— oy Be Or a fragrance to e my heart rejvice From the sunlit land of Spain ? Listen, my own, my bride, While the glad tears dew your cheek, They oe fried, my bride, by the sad sea ti ide With a smell that can almost speak. Creep, my love, creep into the deep, And sing to the fishes that onions are cheap.

Tae Proposen Onx-rounp Notes,—“ Ne- Goschenable currency.”

Page 89

Fesrvary 7, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL AN ELEGY ON A MAD DOG. (After Goldsmith, more or less.) Goon patriots all of every sort, For if in substance it is short, | This dog and man at first seemed | The dog, to gain his private Give ear unto my song, In moral it is strong. friends, — en But, when a pique began, Went mad, and bit the man! py ran, Quidnunes and And won it all the way. ran, At Hawarden lived a Grand Old| A wondrous lengthy race he | To see so strange and sad a sight gobemouches Man, Of whom the world might say, AxF -= } 2 Some swore he’d veer to catcha| But, if he never turned his | The weap 3 indeed seemed sore | And while they swore the dog was an vote ; coat, Old age to flout one loathes, He often changed his clothes. To every party eye, They swore the man must die, But marvels sometimes come to| The man seems healing of the Hard by an Irish dog was found, | Hibernian 1 uppy, hound, light . bite, - ; As many dogs there be, ‘had cancel bw Cente. Rash prophets to belie. The dog’ looks like to die! Remarkable Conversion. Par apovur Picrvurnes.—"* Over the Garden Wall,”’ seems to be the “Cayon TzlaxmouTH SHORE proposes to convert the two Con- that Mr. G. 8. Excoop sings at the Fine Art Bociety’s Gallery. yoeations.” . . . is startling without the context—‘‘ into one ios ths comme of his travels he has been over a good as garden National Synod.” But two into one won’t go. How will he manage | walls. At Wroxton, Compton Wynyates, Penshurst, Montacute, ne? teen in RS - tH oye or one ne, ome Helmingham, he a studies be a . qui , ; : J : “Who's for y me n Ps, they on common |Ptee a Fn day an cayore® lection pictures, whic

Page 90

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 7, 1891, Cuaprer II. , BRUSTLES BISHOP. | ** Evew as a Curate, a certain harmless yanity was ever my besetting (By @ Muddled Moralist. ) weakness, I might, indeed, have h that, after my accident— Cuarren I. | but see, my good lad, how pride may lurk, even in our very infirmi- | ties! These artificial limbs have become a yet subtler snare to me Bew Buosties was only « poor shoeblack-boy who cleaned boots— | than even those they replaced. 1 had them constructed, as you see, of ay, and even shoes, for his daily bread. Sach time as he could the pest mahogany—to match the furniture in m se collng spare from his avocation he devoted to diligent study of the doctrine With ever-increasing pleasure, my eyes have gloried in grain of chanee, as exemplified in the practice of pitch-and-toss. Often | and gloss, in the symmetry af thats curves, in A more than Chinese — a res ~ ~ 2 delicacy | thelr extremities, until gradually Sey have trempled ory a — iw, my patter a! ave run away wi my possibilities of ; : but this very moment, as I stood admiring home without a halfpenny. Think thei : Sol ht crossed of thin. So meee , eir contour at yonder window, the pernicious thought ¢ my mind that their if I who sit at home at ease, — | them ded? 7, ee would be yet more enhanced had Loto for nuts! But throug “* Bat, your reverent Lordship,” objected Brustizs, as the Bishop his vicissitudes, Baw kept a stout paused, overcome by humiliation, “it’s no use coming to me for hi never losing his convic- that ’ere job!” For, though but a poor boy, he was too honest to tion that something—he knew not accept any commission under false pretences. Gilding, he knew, what—would eventually turn up. might—and, in a London atmosphere, soon would—become black, Sometimes it was heads, at others but no boot-polish would ever assume the ap ce, even of the tails; and in either case the blackest gilt, and so he candidly explained to the Bishop. boy lost money by it — but he “IT know, my boy,” said the latter, patting Ben’s head kindly with the handle of fis umbrella, “‘I know. Hence my 1 to yom skill. That presumptuous idea revealed as in a lightning flash the abyss on the brink of which I stood. This demon of perverse pride must be laid; humbled forever. So ply your brushes, and see you spare not the blacking hed Carrer IIT. Bausties obeyed—not without awe, and in a short space of time two pots of blacking were exhausted, and the roseate glow of the Bishop’s mahogany fimbs was for ever hidden under a layer of more than Nubian ebony! **’Selp me, your lordly reverence,” he cried, dazzled by the brilliancy of the result; *‘but you might be took, below, for a Life dsman | ”’ “Hush,” said the Bishop, though with a gratification he could not restrain, ‘‘ would you recall the demon I strove to exorcise! It is true that the change is less of a disfigurement than I feared— ahem, hoped—but after all, may not the wish to please the eye of man be excusable? You s receive a rich reward. Do you happen to have such a thing as change for a five-pound note about Brustles Blacking. you? , ** Alas!” replied the lad, with read sence of mind, “but I ersevered notwithstanding, confident that Fortune would favour | have only just paid all my gold into mg banks for the day!” — reteea Le 7 om of undaunted enterprise that has made | 66 No matter, ’ oni the Bishop, gently. | ‘a find I heave 6 fires ; ; ; | penny bit, after t is yours!” An e good ecclesiastic, as And one day Fortune did favour him. He observed, as he knelt | fF to avoid thanks, moved simbly off, though his eyes still sought betore his box, a portly and venerable person close by, who was | the shop-windows as he passed, with even greater complacency than engrossed in studying, with ap t complacency, his own reflection before, : in & plate-glass shop-front. naive a display of personal vanity, | Bew tested the threepenny bit between his teeth—it was a spurious in one whose dress and demeanour denoted him a Bishop, not coin ; he looked up, but his unnaturally excited BesJamrn’s interest, nor was this lessened when | lete customer wes. already the —— after shaking his head reproachfully at his reflected paseed out of hearing of his imege. , a to the shoe-black’s box as if in obedience to a sentiments. He sank down sudden impulse, ** My lad,” he said, with a certain calm dignity. ** will you be so good as to black both my legs for me—at once ?” This unusual request, conceived as it was on a larger scale than the orders he habitually received, youth, particularly as he noted that the metrical and well-turned limb which the ~—= Bishop extended consisted, like its fellow, of a rare and costly | species of mahogany, and shone with the rich and glossy hue of a} newly-fallen horse-chestnut. ‘I see,” commented the Bishop, with a melancholy smile, ‘‘that you have already discovered that A lower members are the product—not of Nature, but of Art. It was IAP. not always thus with me—but in my younger days I was an ardent | . J Wi climber—indeed, I am still an Honorary Member of the Hampstead | " . Heath Alpine Club. Many years since, whiist scaling Primrose | Bilked by # Bishop. Hill, I was compelled, by a sudden storm, to take refuge in a half-| with his head laid amongst his pots and brushes. “‘Bilked!” he way hut, where I the night, ex to all the rigours of an | moaned piteously, ‘‘ bilked—and by a blooming Bishop! ”’ English Midsummer! When I awoke I found, to my surprise. that | Cc IV both my legs had been bitten by the relentless frost short off im-| ae SVs mediately below the knee, and I had to continue the ascent next) Bur mark the sequel. The good Bishop had been quite ignorant day in a basket. On descending, I caused these substitutes to be | that the threepenny bit was a pewter one; quite sincere, for the fashioned, and on them I stumped my way to the exalted position I time, in his determination to subdue his own weakness, Still it now fill, nor have I ever evinced any physical inconveniences from | was not to be: inbred pride is not so easily vanquished—even by my misfortune, save in one sastlanion thes it has rendered | Bishops! The Bishop learned to glory in his blacking far more than the assumption of gaiters unhappily out of the question! But, | he had ever done in the original y. He had it continuall possibly, my wish to have these legs of mine disguised by your pig- | renewed, and with the most ex compositions. He woul ments, strikes you as bizarre, if not posi eccentric ? “You will | bend enraptured over the burnished surfaces of his extended legs, better understand my reasons after you have heard a confession | gazing, like another Narcissus, at the features he saw so faithfully ia ae hort interes! ahead Sonn the following M a hil the thr base as it became the humble old man, a eanwhile the ce, as it was, ge Dee . instrument of brighter fortunes to Brusries ; it showed a marvellous

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— l, — = sePabeTs elt ed a

Fesrvary 7, 1891.]

But the Bishop—what of him? Nemesis overtook him at last. The discontent long smouldering in his diocese broke out intoa climax. Thousands of Curates, inflamed by professional agitators, went out on strike, and their first victim was She Bishop of Trx- RERTOWS, who was discovered prostrate one dark night by his horrified Chaplain. He had been picketed as a Blackleg! THE END. (Copies of the above may be obtained for distribution, at very reasonable terms, on application to the Maher)

of dramatic interest can (O 6 be so entitled) was \ 98 \ effected some years 4H Ly, since, when Breaking a Ay & Butterfly, a version with Mesers. HERMAN

and Jonxs as adapters was p yed at the Prince’s (now Prince of Waies'es ) Theatre. believe some one or other has said that Drama thoroughly enjoying himself. Sot vee leading, because it modified Inszn, and did not reveal him in his true Geaan This t can readily believe, as my Soe a a utterfly merely om ; whereas, when I consider | Doll's House of Tuesday, T distinctly mingle with boredom a recol- | lection of something that caused a feeling of absolute loathing. That something, I imagine, must be the new matter which was absent from the first version, and crops up in the text of the second, which, according to the Play-bill, a: ‘in Vol. I. of the authorised edition of Insen’s Prose Dramas, edited by W1Lt1aM Arcuer, and published | by Mr. Warrer Scorr.” By the way, I must confess that, although | the name of the Editor is not familiar to me as a dramatic author, his superintendence of the authorised text seems to have been per- formed sufficiently ereditably to have rendered him as worthy of an honourable prefix as the publisher. Why omit the ‘‘Mr.”? Now I come to think of it, there is an Englishman, not unconnected with dramatic literature, who is known nowadays as WILLIAM, without the prefix of Mister, but in his own time he was known as Master WILLIAM SHAKsPEARE, and Master he remains. ‘‘ But this,” as Mr. tupYaRD Kipiine might observe, “* is quite another WILLIAM.” I have not the original for reference handy, but the version played at Terry's Theatre bears internal evidence of a close translation. An adapter, I fancy, with a free hand would scarcely have made one of the characters use the same exit speech on two occasions. Nils Krogstad does this. He can think of nothing better than, ‘‘ If I am flung into the gutter, you shall accompany me,” ted twice with the slight variation, ‘* If I am flung into the gutter for the second time, you shall accompany me,” used for the last exit. Again, Torvald Helmer has 4 long monologue in the final Act that a practised playwright would have ‘‘ broken up” with the assistance of a so a letter, or something. From this it would appear that the Edi Axcuer (without the “* ~ aff = very faithfully prod fo be hypercritical, I might bs occasionally the version is rather foo literal. For instance, orvald Helmer, although he is cursed with one of the most offensive wives known to creation, would scarcely call her “a little lark,” mn L a ‘‘ gay dog.” and one given to traditional ways of that species of ultra-sociable animals. I have confessed I have not the original before me, so I cannot say whether the ttl my, is Small Larks,” ‘but I fancy that capering capercailzie, actually his words, would nearer his ing to the dictionaries, a bird in 0, aang. of *‘a delicious flavour” and partially “ green ;” it is also found

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titude f topning up tails, which Brew no sooner perceived than he oP sled himeelf of a Te doe tant hed, indood, come (o him in dlagios! would

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 65 «5 —y + ae t say. Surely Torvald Tatts us ae es, Sites be ; to what I venture to imagine must be ‘‘ new matter” not in the Herman-p/us-Jonesian I consider the scene in which coun Se soumen gee eee necessary adjunct to th qpatontions of an efficient Critio. The gos Rensine, ’ J » as pri y appeal to prigs, and thank goodness PLAYTIME FOR A DOLL’S HOUSE. . the average theatre-goer is the reverse of a prig. There Dear Mr. Puwcu,—Acocording to a well-known Critic, writing of | was but one redeeming in the play—its It ends morning performance of The Doll’s House on Tuesday, the 27th ult., | happily in Nora, forger, liar, and—hem—wedded flirt, being sepa- at Terry’s Theatre, “* is no need to discuss InsENn’s piece any sabed from her innocent children. more.” I will go a little , and say, not only should the play; For the rest, the piece was fairly well acted. But when the Curtain J - gh - had fallen for the’ last time, and the andienoe were departing more a ormance. | in sadness than , Loould asking m i ion that could be done Had the advantages obteined in wi Palanoed for this miserable drama | the expense incurred in aseat? I am forced to reply in the (if a work utterly devoid | negative, as I sign myself Gus Wao Pie seb A Prace m cus Pr.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. I exe three ladies ina -room, each with a green volume. ‘* What is it?” No, they won’t hear. Each one is intent on her volume, and an irritable answer, in a don’t bother is all that I can obtain. The novel is Miss Brappon’s latest, One Life, One Love (but three volumes, for all that), in which they are absorbed. Later on, at intervals, I get the vol and, raven-like, secrete them, I can ie understand the of my young friends. Marvellous, Brappon! Very few have approached you in sensation-writing, and none in k up sensationalism as fresh as ever it was when first I sat up at night nervously to read Aurora Floyd, and Lady Audley’s Secret. In this bad time of year (I am writing when the snow is without, and the North-East wind is engaged in cutting leaves), the Baron recommends remaining indoors with this Three-volume Novel as a between lunch and dinner companion, only don’t take it up to your bed-room, and sit over the fire with it, or— but there, I won’t mention the consequenees. Keep it till daylight doth appear. The Baron being a man—no, Sir, not a busy-body,—is grateful to the authors of short stories in Magazines. Many others agree with the Baron, who wishes to recommend “‘ Saint or Satan” in The Argosy ; The story of an ‘Old Beau,” which might have been advantageously abbreviated in Soribner; an odd tale entitled, ‘‘The Phantom Portrait,” in the Cornhill, which leaves the reader in doubt as to whether he has been egregiously ‘‘ sold” or not; and, above all, the short and interesting—too short and most interesting—paper on TuHackeRay, in Harper's Monthly, with fac-similes of some of the t humorist’s most eccentric and most aperers Sueuens, conceived in the broadly burlesquing spirit that was characteristic of Guxzay and RowLanpson, THACKERAY, philosopher and satirist, who can take us behind the scenes of every w in Vanity Fair, who can depict the career of the scoundrel Barry Lyndon, of the heathen Becky Sharp, and the death-bed of the Christian soldier and gentleman, dignissimus, Colonel Newcome, could on occasion, and when a -_ moved him, put on a og mask (have we not his own pathetic vignet i im doing this?) to amuse the lesque writing and drawing to set usall on the broad grin. The Baron trusts that Mrs. Krrcare will give us more of this, sincerely hopes that there may be a “ lot more” caricatures in that portfolio ‘where these came from.” I heartily thank you for so much, and respectfully ask for more, says yours, A y — Tue Basson DE Boox- Worms, In Memoriam. Srrone man and strenuous fighter, stricken down The fens of thems tine teeght, ome pg! . ear To drop a blossom now on Brapiaven’s bier. Anruour anp Composen.—Saturday, fennagy 31 — Fist night jof Suitrvan’s Ivanhoe in D’/Ortey Carter's new . Full inside, all right. Sir Arruvr’s success. We congratulate him Arthurly. Carre called before horse,—should say before Curtain, but t’other came so naturally,— SULLIVAN’s music, com: lant gentlemen and t our next, but for the present . . . (Parozyem of sneezing).

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ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Feorvany 7, 1891, | ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. AN ICE PICTURE. Fair Damsel, ‘‘ Wuat a Lot or Hourmays you szem To cet, Mr, Miniver!” Pet Curate, ‘Wait, yes, I grr a Recrox, you know.” : ‘ The lion lay down with the lamb, | WHAT DO YOU THINK? obey hn aay And Oxamnre Scort with h BrDNar Gronpy. (A Song of the Session, as sung by that Eminent And some histrios touched by age Professor Hux.er said, “* and Evergreen Lion Comique, ‘‘ Jouuy Of Adieu think. I’m really sick to death of rows,” ond Guab " at the St. Stephen's'Hall of Varieties, But I’m like that ** Awful Dad, ” Wrote there and then to General Westminster.) Though this makes my rivals mad, To put his name down for a thousand. Jotty GLaD, sings :— Don’t true Gladdyites feel glad ¥ I heard that Mr, Panne. wrote Wires a flower in my coat, t do you think ? (Much to McCarriy’s jubilation) With a keen eye for a vote, I’m a genuine Evergreen ; A very kind and civil note, And a sense the to note, It is that excites their spleen In which he sent his tion ; Buff Blue think, Who my lingering on the scene Whilst Anprew Lane with weary air With fond millions to admire A great ‘‘ do” think. Professed himself completely staggered A last triumph to desire,— ; so much, to tease them ! To think how anyone could care Am I going to Retire ?— y last exit would much ease them. To read a line of Ripgr Hacearp, What do you think ? Bat Retire !—and just to please them! | The House of Commons talked about Oh, I know the quidnuncs What do you think ? The case of Mr. BkapLaveH—whether And that Tadpole, yes, and Taper [ Winks and walks round. | The Motion which has kept him out Tell in many a a owad ey. ‘ =— ey be struck out altogether ; t the few ? thin nd Otp MoRALiry arose But they cater for the classes, A DREAMY MADNESS. To say they felt no ancient animus, Whilst 7 ’m champion of the masses, Tax other night I went to bed,— And when they voted, why of Noes Fly before such braying — r— aod ad seem strange, but still I did it,— There wasn t one —they were unanimous ! What do you think ? : Wish is father to their thought, that the bed-loths nerly hid it ; I started up, no more to sieep, Thole wild hope with fear is fraught. perhaps the reason why 4) irs — had seemed to spoil it, ey are not aw fast to aught or 1 e me long to leap Feeiteesthas | giz bee atone ys emi] "a halen a tt They imagine ‘‘ Mr. Fox” Was wholly given o’er to dreaming. I went down-stairs, and with su Has delivered such hard knocks y I thought of those my dream ‘elandered, That impasse my pathway blocks!— |’ wason the Twenty-first of May, — And there, before my eyes, Way © gop tak F ‘ T eave ct printed ia the ANDARD | Sp de agen napoods , y ; I wish I hadn’t to Ism Fm y ease ? - though I can timagine why Tad it Am oad change Nor why Tad m : Like . “screw” Think! ‘ So tha > eietlas onan may aly hid it. Pooh! of Sisyphus , rather Although ? think that must be why a aco Wh My brain has ever since been teeming ; Eh? Retire,—and ve things thus? i . But tell me (if you can) am I What do you think ? i : At present mad, or was I dreaming ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 7, 1891.

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Fesruary 7, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 69 = THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A “ GRINDER.” A Sketcn In THE STREETS. OUR ADVERTISERS. [_JTHONODENDRIKOR, the new indestructible cloth. ITHONODENDRIKON is a stubborn and inflexible | ITHONODENDRIKON is made, process, f iF tledeused eal aula dies oe . I ITHONODENDRIKON, used for gentlemen 8 coats, will 4 not only keep out rain and wind, but thunder vad iightning. [_JTHONODENDRIKON never breaks or bends, but only ITHONODENDRIKON. — A “Poncnasen” writes— “I sat down in a pair of your trousers, but could never get up again,’ I TT AODERDRIEDS. — Another “ b Hited me wal 4 “ The dress-coat you supplied me with fitted me could not take it off without having recourse to a he PPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY suppl — cae t and worst in the market. —— ‘ Ue HOUSE COAL OC L COMPANY, “hand-picked by the uke himself, on whose property t the are situated. PPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, carefully selected, screened and delivered (in the dark} frehere within a ten-mile radius of Charing Cross at 9. 6d, cash on a ton, for delivery. | bare Re, HOUSE ( COAL Paty - a wonderful at the 2 pee. nF brown ash. No a no y heat. Frequent) eaonen scattering the contents of the grate over the largest ~ he, U= HOUSE SOAS SO Seale Y a | to refer intending penny Pe monial: ** Gentle- men,—Do what I ~" a oe anne your a to lent, Put on in sufficient quantity they will ‘extinguish any fire. I have worn out three drawing-room pokers in my endeavours to stir them into a flame, but all to no . Steeped in petroleum, ow might possibl ignite in a draught furnace, though fancy — > me put it out. ne are as you advertise them, 4 ‘show for summer use.’ t send me any more.” CHARLIE AND SARAH. Dear Mr. Puncu,—Why should AnistoTie be the only author whose works get discovered? I found the following story, written on papyrus, and enclosed in a copper cylinder, in my back garden, and I am positive that it is nut ARISTOTLE, Can it possibly have been written by that amiable and in- structive authoress whose stories for children have recently been reprinted ? Yours, &c., ENRY St. OTLE. CHARLIE was a very obedient little boy, and his sister Sanam was a good, patient little cin. One beautiful summer’s a day Gers went tostay tor a week with their Unele WILL14M, a man of very high principles, who was not quite used tothe proper method withchildren. Onthe even- ing of their arrival, as they were seated in front of the fire, rere litted up his bright, obedient, beautiful face, and es thoughtf * Pray, Uncle WILLIAM, cannot we have one of those parent and amusing conversations such as children love, about refraction, and relativity and initial velocity, and Mesopotamia generally ?” “Oh, yes, Uncle Witt!” said SaRAH, pausing to wi = oe patient little nose; ; ‘Our dear Papajis always so pleasant and poly- syllabic on these subjects.” Then Uncle WitL1a regretted that he had paid less attention in his youth to the pelenengeinen, bat hayes he pulled himself eran determined to do his best. * y, my dear children, n c-— please me more. Now here I havea jug and a glass. You will o ” aan’, | our sense gates deem th teen glass. This illustrates one of the properties of ge tk what I mean?” ' Fluidity 1” said both the with enthusiasm. on ite so, and aaa ROS. ah hat, Uncle,” the obedient C which we should like stand it better, I temeh euney me experiments little further. In decan called whiskey. whiskey in fret, and the usual to put the w —h. and the ou tell me a eid ge Think it ont for fluidity ?” Wuuas! “We —er—why hasn’t ee” asked Uncle WILLIAM, with some- -~ almost like ion in his voice. hi We of the things to make you under- Tittle Sanam said, timidly : “I think it must be because, when a man wishes to drink, whiskey is the first thing which naturally occurs to his mind. He does not think about water until afterwards.” “Quite right. That is the ex of the scientists. And ws do you think I tin the water and the whiskey afterwards!” It was,” said nari, brightly, “in order that we might not see so exactly how much w ed ** No, that’s quite wrong. I id it out of sheer exigfnality. Now what would happen if I drank this curious mixture ? ‘* You would be breaking the _ Uncle Wit114M,” said both children, promptly and heartily. ‘Wrong again. I should “4 under doctor’s orders.” * Why ’t a brick any fluidity f” asked Sapan, ements ** Don't interrupt, my dear ny fii We're coming to that. Now, CHARLIE, when you eat or drink anything, where does it go?” ** It goes into my little——oh, Undo, 1 2 nena a ew and CHARLIz, who was of a deaulecle pasdeet and refined disposition, er | buried his face in his han net Sloshod desply. ** Admirable!” ex Uncle Witt1aM. “One cannot be too refined. Call it the blank. It into your blank. Well, spihoy raises the tone of the blank. Just as, when you screw up peg d|of a violin, you raise the tone of the string. "By draking this raise the tone of my blank.” He suited the action to the word. ‘On one glass of weak whiskey-and-water—never ! ’ " a why hasn’t a brick any fluidity?” asked Sanan, quite ently. Pe Find of all, listen to this. Sie) Sey -sed-woles fp now inside me. I want you to understand what inside means. Go and stand in the and shut the door of this room after you.” "But, Uncle,” seid SaRam, Patiently hasn’t a any——” ** Hush, Saran, hush!” said Cuanue. “It is our duty to obey Unele Writ1am in uN chee So the two children went out of the room, and shut the door after this | them. Uncle V/sraaass want tothe Cove and locked it. are you?” Outside,” ** Yes—and outside One of the servants will put you “Now then,” he said, cheerily, “1 am inside. And where stop. to bed.” And Uncle Scmbteth bad te the Leemton

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Feprvary 7, 1891, ~ ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE PANTOMIME AT ST. STEPHEN’S. The Illwminated Doorway. Brilliant effect lately introduced into the House of Commons.

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Fesauary 7, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A DEAD FROST. Wauew I saw you on a January morning With a very little pair of skates [ And the frosty glow your fairy face adorning, I was y from other passions freed. And the year at its imperial beginning Tale oneh th wing flame hile T tried to smother’ ho aw smo amt icin ike a brother ; And that’s a very common As we | My hat and stick I suddenly found fleeting, | And they whistled o’er the surface, smooth and black, And the ice, with an unwonted warmth of ing, ' Slept me seddenly and heed upon 7. ro ’t mind your laughing, | a left no atin to'rankle after Had left no sting of, scorn ’ | Though I’d joyously have flang myself before you ; 0 adore you, ¥ | Still to sit with all one’s might upon the ice Isn’t nice. When I met you in the lordly local ball-room, Where you queen’d it, the suburban world’s desire, _ | Though your programme for my name had left but smal! | I somehow snatched five valses from the fire. [room, | | And I did stout supper-service for your mother, | While you woye the self-same s o’er many another, | And | cald, no douks, So sat 6 things that they did, n | Little nook beneath the palms upon the stair, | To my fair. Bat I noticed, as I learned to know you better, | And you ceased to wile the victim at your feet, | There was very little silk about the fetter, | And ’twere flattery to say your sway was sweet : | Nay, you made the light and airy shrine of beauty | A centre for the most exacting duty, | And the fealty of the a undoubting ; Met with flouting, | Asa tribute which was nothing but your due, As they knew. Your Papa is getting elderly and bulky, And he loves you as the apple of his eye, Yet very little things will abe you sulky, And to meet his little ways you never try. And I see him look a trifle hurt and puzzled, And his love for you is often check’d and muzzled ; Yet I think, upon the whole, that I would rather Be your father, Than the lover you could torture at your ease, lf you please. STRANGE, BUT TRUE. Six,—Under the heading of ‘* Ecclesiastical Intelli- gence” in the Times of Saturday, I read that, ‘* The Loxp Cuancettor has preferred the Rev. W. R. Wetcu, of Hull, to the Vicarage of Withernwick, East York- shire.” I presume the Lorp CHAnceLton knows both the gentleman and the place bly, and so wisel elects which he prefers; but to one who, like myself an: thousands of know neither, it strikes me that I would certainly prefer the place to the however worthy. It is, indeed, gratifying to see that the Highest Representative of Law and O: in the realm, after Her Gracious Masesty, is so utterly uninfluenced by any mercenary motives, I send this by Private Post, an old soldier, and am yours enthusiastically, The Retreat, Hanwell-on-Sea, NOODLE DE Noopiz. “ Berrer Lares tHaw Never.”—Two Jurymen. says a paragraph in last Saturday’s Times, wrote to the Solicitor acting for a female prisoner, one CurLEeR, who had been convicted of perjury and sentenced at , to say that they *‘ gave in to a verdict of Guilty because it was very late, and one gentleman had an important business engagement at home.” This recalls the line, ‘‘ And wretches hang that Jurymen may dine.” The remainder of ELtew Curen’s sentence of five years’ penal servitude is remitted. It is satisfactory to that two had the courage of their opinions before it was too late. \ es —aa» * ) sd J ~ . i 4 ae — "= es 2, Rs Steel ~. —-=_—— — oo SYMPATHETIC EGOISM OF GENIUS, ‘*Don’r RUN AWAY YET, OLD Man! (A Study.) Ir’s QUITE EARLY, AND I WANT To HEAR ALL ABOUT your AcApDEMY PictruRE, WHICH I’M TOLD 18 SPLENDID.” [ Proceeds to describe his own at great length, and then suddenly finds out how late it is, and bolts / ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House HA Commons, Monday, Jan, 26.—PLUN KET undoubtedly the most successiul Commissioner of Works of recent times. A little coolness between him and Cavenpisu BenriINcK a staircases in Westminster Hall. But chacun a son idea of a staircase. Piunxet quite as like right as C. B, Always doing something to improve arrangements of House. Does it quietly, too ; bers know nothing about it till I find new Beneking-soems fresh arrangements of lights, new rooms for x up t those ly to be and occasional) v a priceless old table adorning Tea-room. Various ac- carved on left leg, affirm that it is the very table on which Winuam Rex took his five nn after Battle of ‘ a prepared missioner ia Hluminaton ofentrance to House rom cunningly effected electric lights set within recesses of arch. ScuwaD- HonsT, revisiting House after long in . astonished at _ ‘Making things very comfortable in anticipation of our coming in,” he says, ing sweetly. Later came upon Nicnotas Woops; found him standing in attitude of patient and in- telligent ex . “* What are you wait- ing there for?” I asked. ‘“‘Why don’t vou come in and hear Swinsunwe make one or two speeches on Tithes Bill ?”

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72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesruary 7, 1891. ** Well —er— fact is,”’ said Nicwoxas, steadfastly keeping his eyes on | tain that the House of Commons exceeded its jurisdiction when it archway, ‘‘ Witrxtp Laweon told me that if I was here about eleven ordered King Caantes rue First to be beheaded, but I never heard acdsee inn nbin one ee ee I arrived what the illumination was for; asked Lawson. ‘Oh,’says| Irreverent House went off into roars of laughter, amid which Mr, Ee a Ret Cea auxha . ws Detsy Lrotwood Ww ey laughed, Wensten. out I'd like tomes it. b> a it uv, — od om done,-Rentalien 0 une, 1880, declaring Brapiavey ** Well,” I said, “‘ Arsert Roir did tell me something about ineligible to sit, expunged from journals. ArrorNnY-GeweRat going on the Spree. But thatwasinGermany,) 7hursday.—As OD i says,\** The worm persistent] and he had his skates with him. Don’t know how it’ll be here. incommoded by inconvenient attentions ‘will finally eum on pe a hag acu’ Sees ae be my p Ade os of awag. Wouldn’t| aggressive attitude.” So it has proved to-night. Srpwer Gena y : : — ‘ . long been object of contumelious attention. Members jeer at him House engaged all night on Tithes Bill. Not particularly lively. cag when he rises; talk whilst he orates ; laugh when he is serious, Towards midnight Tannen, preternatarally quiet since House met, | .orious when he is facetious. But the wemnted worm hag tamed of Covnrwey down on him Tike eartload of bricks, dealined te put |!*%t; STONEY has struck. “Gxoax has been goaded once too often. Motion, declaring it abuse of forms of House. This rather deprees- — bmg eee _ ing. In good old times there would have been an outburst of Tithes Bill: feeli ; a ~ a F in Irish camp; Chairman’s i challenged and | ithes Bill; fecling faint and weary, glad uabble agreeably occupied’ rest of eveni es times changed. © peivemh Bienes WHR sparking Ganvee- o Trish present to back TaxwEn, who, with despairing look round, -y yt ye Vy 3 : bsided, and business went forward without check. ; : = aan su Business done.—Tithes Bill in Committes torial attitude; pulverising Amendm«nt Tuesday.—Mr. Dick De Liste came down to House to-night full ge Cus See a? 64s > of high"resolve. Hadn’t yet been a Member of House when it shook | y,,. it was Chairman of Committees con- from time to time with the roar of con- H : : B his oath. | Vo72s with frivolous elderly young man or round sal te New whilst he (S. G.) was debating the Tithes 1s ny in lographic Bill! Should he pass over this last indig- ff Pelvi Si Fi me WwW nore nity ? No; honour of House must be vin- he Btn Abe ammo B ELD e ahed dicated ; lofty standard of debate must be the Straits _ gy Pw ype 4! maintained; the higher the position of —. c por he " contri- | offender the more urgent his duty to strike i MS 8 naa a Pe ®\a blow. Was standing at the moment me — oN aay ar~ | aligned with Chair; paused in argument; year’ A ath. ow, oY _N | faced about to the right and marched with question cropped up again. Brap- gojemn steps to the end of Gangway, the taves had secured first place on to- : night's order for his Motion rescinding | am poy Fp —npameaeeams oy Ms ga famous Resolution of June, 1880, de-| 6 gi» : : claring him ineligible to take his seat. |Chairnan’ “Lam afraid say epceol ters BRaDLavcH ill bt gt sick unto =, |rupted your conversation. Therefore I as it seemed; but Huwrer had taken | have moved further away.” up task for him, and would move Reso- - That was all, but it wasenough. Henr- lution. Of course the Government | yen7 Ganpwen slunk away. COURTNKY would oppose it; if necessary, De Liste }.oti) ill: - | y turned over pages of the Bill; . would Sos ay oe In| hung down his guilty head, and tried to In revolt. , He .y B- 4, Gun nae wlth Teen | ook - if it were Moses who had been engaged in conversation. A ‘i | Now MILMAN was asleep. mee ma He oo at ay Sei Business done.—Level flow of Debate on Tithes Bill interrupted by undesirability and a bat d ility on | revolt of Sypney Gener. acceding t i , : — > _ . it as " shedutel nt ish.” Mr. G.| _Friday.—Rather a disappointing evening from yey point of followed: but Mr. G. said the same| View. In advance, was expected to be brilliant field-night. Irish Exit! ind of thi leve: hen | Administration to be attacked all along line; necessity for new kind of things eleven years ago, when f \ he was Leader of triumphant party, and had been defeated again and | departure demonstrated. Suaw-Lerevare led off with Resolution again. Of course same fate awaited him now. Government had demanding establishment of Courts of Arbitration. Large muster of spoken through mouth of Soicrror-GeweraL, and there was an| Members. Mr. G. in his place; expected to speak ; but presently ont att. went off ; others fell away, and all the ranning made from Ministe- Not quite. Srarrorp NoRTHCoTE, unaccustomed participant in rial Benches. SuHaw-Lerevre roasted mercilessly. House roa’ debate. presented himself. Stood immediately behind Otp Mo- | ®t SaunpeRson’s description of his going to interview Suxran, and RALITY, by way of testifying to his unal loyalty. At same | being shown into stable to make acquaintance of Sotran’s horse. time he suggested that, after all, would be as well to humour Brap- | Prince Axraur turned on unhappy man full blast of withering Laven and his friends, and strike out Resolution. Then Oxp | %°°r™- Don’t know whether Suaw-Lerevee felt it; some men MoRAtrry rose from side of Soxicrrok-GewERAL, and, unmindful of | rather be kicked than not noticed at all; but Liberals felt they had that eminent Lawyer's irresistible argument and uncompromising | been drawn into ridiculous position, and mumured bad words. declaration, eaid the whole,” perhaps NorTHoore was right, ||. What’s the use,” they ask, “of winning Hartlepool out of doors, and 00 mote it be. J | if things are so managed that we are made ridiculous within ?” The elect of Mid-Leicestershire for air. Did his ears| Business done.—Suaw-Lerevar’s Resolution on Irish Land deceive him, or was this the end of the famous Brapiaven inci- | uestion negatived by 213 Votes against 152. chan erably Ww. — = bmg ey his oy 4 rf that, fang ey were doing the thing, ad better do it unanimously. | as = ie General cheer approved. Ds Laste started to his feet. One| Thermidor” up to Date. voice, at least, should be heard in protest st this shameful sur-_ (Toned down for English Reception.) render. Began in half-choked voice : t! struggling against | Last Act—On the road to the Guillotine—Hero, instead of Heroine, some strange temptation ; talked about the Parnell Commission ; about to be erecuted— Heroine imploring Hero to sign paper. accused House of legalising atheism, and whitewashing treason ; ; , argued at length vf Mr. G. on doctrine of excess of juris- Heroine. Attach but your signature, and you are free! dition, Gheerved. os he Went to be waving his hands as if. 2#¢re (after reading ment in atone of horror). What, a vow repellir » Obiect : turned his head ene Fr eas if he would ‘ marry, with the prospect of a breach of promise case to follow! fain p= Foy conemiien House looked on wonderingly. At Never! Death is preferable! [ Exit to be guillotined, Curtain. with something like sudued sob, De Liste gave way, and Mem learned what had troubled him. It was dear old Mr. Dick’s com-| An Antist awp A Wuistier.—M. Coqurtin has summoned M. . ee | — ae 1 hae inst ay mn my for nee yee a a on * ——s tp Monatrry, De Lrexe coul ragging head of | Thermidor row. is 0 y time M. Liss Cuartes tue Finest. “ As a Royalist,” he said, “*T should main- | will have been made to pay for Ric whistle —— (> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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ea eee “4 r Lael - ~_r ee hee tO _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesavary 7, 1891. - bottle, as a sample, will be sent post free ne ny address on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 84, CHD. MATHEWS & CO, and 8, HART 8T., BLOOMSBURY, W.C. Bold by al . Leapmme Menena»rs throughout wpia and the CoLontzs. “ ’ ” he Real “Cup o’ Kindness. orfect Blending of the CHOICEST BRANDS the Highest Classes of Fine Old Whiskies, in their Notive Purity, as produced in Scotland. 3.0.S./E SCOTCH ory Tears Old, 50s. per os. Fight ” ” 45s. ” Tive oy oo 42s. ” Carriage Paid on Orders of | dos. ond ctor. 88 Soom pisndore ea “Waidkien and so ‘oatiaent a are ae A tf sepseeieton, Connoissrura, t th wilt? Foye! a tingle Sample tle, Car Paid, anywhere in the United King- dom on Pag a of 4. 64., 4s., and . 6d. respectively. PEASE, SON, & C0., LEITH, SCOTLAND. FENGLISH KRANCH, DARLINGTON, DURZAM. rapcisnep | Please mention “ Punch” when ’ ordering. LIQUEUR OF THE PL Git. fetes This delicious Li cy which hes lately come so much on account of ite we Di —s ofl. = neipal chants thr cana t! Mingtom, an yh eably less price than formeris. 80le Consignee. W. DOYLE, 35, Crutched Friars, London, E.C. Sir CHAS. CAMERON, M_D., ae -ABLISHED aay ane Se SUEY NEAVE: S F De. BARTLETT, Ph.D., F.C8., sereee: fe Pe Tor INFANTS, INVALIDS, FOO with and sot bose forming comstituents are far above the the best Parinaceous FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE COCOA “TY consider it a very rich, delicious Cocos.”—W. H. 8. STANLEY, M.D. By Special Warrants of Appointment To H.M. the Queen. H.I. Majesty the Empress Frederick, and H.R.H. the Princess of Wales. EGERTON BURNETT'S ROvAL SERGES Artistic Designs and and ky to any bry tos Use’ Rina No Acurts on Mippts-Msx Exurcoran. EGERTON BURNETT, Wellington, Somerset, England. i4,| TO CURE ALL HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HEADACHE, USE HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Tested in many of the severest cases, and always proved effectual. They contain no opium, bromides, or narcotics, and the »| highest medical authorities have pro- d them harmless. Thousands now he PER ms FRERES’ guts FIRST QUALITY 3 CHAMPAGRE. DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS FOR SUITS AND ULSTERS. >, CONDUIT ST., W. FOR ASTHMA &C DATURA TATULA FOR SMOKING AND INHALATION. VORY & =e ly 6 And of Chemists attest their value, and nons need suffer from headache. A TRIAL WILL CONVINCE, See that you get HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Your own Chemist, and all the Wholesale Houses, Price ls. 47. per box, Post Free from J. K. MATTERSON, CHEMIST, 108, NEW OXFORD ST., LONDON. LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRAOT or BEEF (as above) in Bine Ink across the Label on each Jar of the Genuine F xtract. DELICIOUS NEW PERFUME Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. SEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF HOT RED AND BROWN LABELS CRAB APPLE BLOSSOMS (EXT RA-CONCEN TRATED.) o iw is the Gestation, ond most and in a few monthe has YH superseded all others in the boudoirs of the grandes dames of London, Paris, ond New York.”—The Argonaut, Maps ont ST THE CROWN PERFUMERY COMPANY, 177, NEW BOND 8t., W UR GREATER COMFORT UNLIGHT SOAP honTnuy COMPETITIONS. PRIZES "£6,000. COMPETITIONS EACH MONTH DURINI 1891. There is no element of chance in these Compe tions the wioning of a Prize de; ending entirely on the perseverance and tre A taken to coileet the wrappers, WRAPPERS COMPETITION, For yee and pt A 16 last Birthday and under, —6) Silver Be - Lever uthen Watches, value £4 CARD BOX COMPETITION. Open to all aged 17 last Birthday and upwards, PRi each month—60 Silver Rosie Lever alitham Watches, value £4 4s. each. Lis's of Winners of each month's competition will be advertired in the runny Iitversarep Parea the ast So turdey of the month following, and a printed -—- Sy ad Winners will be forwarded to competitors + ia! stamp to pay po:tage aes as 8 Pome and, Ades cee pe Soomees for Rules to O86, , PORT BUN- LIGHT, near BIRKENHEAD. BEST 4 SaresTD COLLINSON & LOCK'S FURNITURE. ag a Ne y ey KR ~ —S AND PBRFCT WORKMANSHIP. Manufact A LARGE STOCK of CAAPETS TS of « every DESCRIPTION of and at prices to meet PMANUE AC PURI UFACTURE. 76 to 80, OXFORD STREET, w. Bewaas or rae Paart orrenine lurrarions oF Macerivew & Camenon's ewe THE FLYING “J” PEN. ee Writes over 180 words with one dip. “ Beems endowed oe ' the magic an’ art.” andl voi tke tinder it's by Poet. A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, prepared under Barttivo’s Patents Improves the fi:vour of tea, aeviete digestion, soothes yet refreshes, SOLD retall by all Grocers, THUR HOP TIA CcO., Liw., ST. GEOROE A HOUSE, BASTCHEAP. 4}, §, and 1} tb. samples, with testimoniais, &e., will be sent on receipt of P.U.0. N.t,--Wholesale only, therefore no second sampie will be sent. J EXSHAW & 00.5 7,9 we 7 Ww. éetihengs & Co HOOPING ‘couch, CROU . BOCHE’S HERBAL EMBROCATION. The ceebrated effe tual cure @ilthouwt interne! medicine. tole Whoiranie Agents, W, Kowsnne & Bon, 157, Queen Victoria Street, seneoe. nitte Bold by most Chemints Price 4s. ‘arie—#. Acanp, 3%, Rue Bt. Martin. New York—Fovorns & Co., North Willem Street USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, ~ BEST In Tins, 1s., 2s., 5s. and 10. each. SAVORY & MOOR Lonnon, AND SOLD EVERY WRIGHT S COAL 1 SOAP

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oe OEE fee ee _ EE te la a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _ CHARIVARL —Fepevary 7, 1891. Retention Bat RB 2 eh _ The “ Analyst,” comparing the flesh-forming iagyetionts in Cocoas, gives the 2s Sy average :— “ Flesh-forming ingredients in Natural Cocoa Nibs oo «6c 6 e)|S— 800” a! ditto ditto in the best Commercial Cocoa, with added Starch ‘and Sugar . o «& taekt 6°00” = ditto ditto in Cadbury’s Cocoa, the Standard English article . “id 21°00” “The process of preparation concentrates the nourishing and stimulating ‘principles of the Cocoa pean.” “CADBURY'S COCOA BEING ABSOLUTELY PURE, IS THEREFORE THE BEST COCOA” Printed by W Uliem Staart 6mith, of Ne a im the Parish of St. of Middlesex at th Offices of Mesars. Bradbury, ae by ‘he Oty vd Uy ham Se a toh County of =, at the Printing Pebruss ia Une Precingt of City of London, ané Publisbed by Fleet Street, in the Parish of Ot Bride, City of London. —Gasvang?, HED EVERY SATURDAY.

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PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. SOCIETY SOCIETY PICTURES— FROM “PUNCH.” SOCIETY Part One, in an elegant cloth cover, with PICTU RES gilt edges, is Now Ready, price 5/6. PICTURES \DU MAURIER SOCIETY PICTURES — FROM en” |'DU MAURIER w) N° 2588. VOLUME ONE HUNDRED —e— FEBRUARY 14, "4 i oe r } z\ | 3 oe vi Ee a3 fi | ] inte eT Gl ASS ma NN AN) Iie i PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. fi & « TAN Nil a) py h wine BOTTLED AT THE SPRINGS. / Schweppe's Sparkling iver Sin Hewry Tuompson :—“ No purer water exists in any natural sources than that of ous ove Malvern Springs.” “SONSd S33UHL 301d Po —~ | Shi eee.

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G — 4 eermount the greatest difficulties and b — ‘om GRORGE CHETWYND OM BRACING. Jat Published 2 vols ro, “price One Osine. RACING REMINISCENCES AND EXPERIENCES OF THE TURF. By S1R GEOKGOE CHETWYND, hart London: Lewousns, Geren, & Co — THIRD EDITION, SAINT MONICA. BOW READY 2s, 44, From the heacim Houser Zurrone, Dec. 6th, 1900, Ty ansiation Mre Kemnett-'4 wards has by her port "yl of chare ter and plot set forth in the most epnvincing manner how @ truly talented writer can Ww mach the fulfiment of « high miss on lies 20 are soldiers for the triumph of nee of tnowledge. Writer out ym, she is one of the fow whose Crows 670 iris ARKOWsMITE London: Simrain, Manewsct, Hamreron, Kew, A Limited, CONDON LIFE ASSOCIATION. atiremep 1806. Assvnance Toxo, FOUR MILLIONS. MUTUAL ASSURANCE AT LEAST COST, No. 81, King William Street, E.C. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, ‘7 Millions Stg, FOR PROTECTION LINIWLSIANI ? EDINBURGH, 8 George 8t. (Head Office) LONDON, 863 King William Btreet, E.C. @ 8 Pall Mall Hast, 6.W. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street, Branches & Agencies in India & the Colonies. FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATH. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the TERTH Renders the Teeth PEARLY WHITE Is perfectiy hormiess, and Delicious to the Taste Ie partly composed of ener, and extracts from sweet herbs and plant Of all ¢ _— ste and Perfumers throughout the wid. 2s. 6d per tl FLORILINE TOOTH POWDEZ caly, Put up in gless jars. l’rice ls Prepared only by The Anglo-American Drug Company. Limited, 33. Farringdon Road, London, EC HORSE CLOTHING AND RUCS. New Designsand Patteros. Perfect 0t Ali Wool Write for Patterns (sent post free) to the Weermon pal Woottes Co., Kewpat. London Agency for Horse Clothing, 13, Berkeley Street, Piccadilly, W. SAVAR’S CUBEB Box of fay. a0 Oa CIGARETTES... ..rne’ Sandal Wood Ou [OHSE'’S | MAIGLOCKCHEN = LILY OF THE VALLEY = PERFUME TOILET SOAP mast fustionabie in tre by ai! high cass Jerfumers, ISTAV LOHSE, peru Ceubebs, Stramoniam, and Cannab.Ind. Alwaysrelieve, and frequently cure Asthma, Th ugh, Mronchitis, One Cigarette insures « good night's rest. S. & H. HARRIS’S | HARNESS COMPOSITION (Wavenrscer). SADDLE PASTE (Warsartoor). | $. & H. HARRIS’S EBONITE BLACKING (Warearncor). For Shoes, Harness, and all Black Leather Articles. POLISHING PASTE. ‘on Cuganineo Metats awp Gtass. Ss. & H. HARRIS. Staeeathary : LONDON, E. Gold Medals, Paris, 1878 : JOSEPH GILLOTT’S PENS, Numbers for use by BANKERS :—Barrel 909, 287, 166, 404. Pens, 225, 226, 262. Slip Pens, 332, In Fine, Medinm, and Broad Points. * Breath 2 = pi nny ay oe Bona 8 ve a Model. Perfect Fit. Guaranteed Wear. & fi PATENT DIAGONAL SEAM CORSET. Will not splitin the Seams nor tear in the Fabric. ‘The most comfortable corset ever made.’—Lapr's Pict. | Made in White, Biack, anc i] all the Fashionable (Colo and Shades, or Ttalian ¢ loth. Satin, and Coutil, ako in new Sanitary ollen Cloth, 4/11, S/1i, G/l, 7/1! | =. pow av dupwards. roll j \ the Prine pal Drapers | and Ladies" Outfitters in the | Tuare Gotp Mepats. united kingdom & colonies HAIR CESARE AUREDLINE PFRPECTLY HARMLESS. tod by Perfumers and Chemists throughoat the World. } R. HOVENDEN & SONS. Lownon HOOPING COUGH, CROUP. ROCHE’S HERBAL EMBROCATION. The celebrated effectual cure without internal medicine. Sole Wholessle Agents, W. Epwanns & Son, 157, Queen Vietoria Street, London Bold by most Chemists. Price és r bottle. Paris—E. Acaap, 328, Rue St artin New York—Fovorss & Co.; North Wilimm Street Aventse: MAPPIN & WEBB'S DRESSING BAGS, BLACK INK SAMUEL BROTHERS. BOYS’ SCHOOL OUTFITS. Mewrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS haveready fori ote larce assortment of BOYS’ and YOUTHS’ CLOTHING. They will also be pleased to send, upon a; Parrenns of men, Boys, or Ladies, together with their new Itivcernmaten Cata- Loe us, containinga bout 400 Engravings furnishes cetails of the various departments, with Price Lists, &e. 8'8 Chipping Nor- _ Miaing ad Baiting Tweeds, Gheviote Homespuns. Berges, ac. very large assortment | or the productions of this eminent firm is “ Evron” Surt. always kept in stock. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, 4c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpon, £.C, Workshops :— Pilgrim St., Ludgate Hill, and 46, Gray's Inn Road. HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. Daily yield 607,600 gallons, at s temperature of lite to 120 Haths founded at Hath by the Komans in the First Century. The waters are well known as being most valuabie in cnses of Khenmatism, Gout, and Skin Affections. The Corporation of Kath have recentiy enlarged and perfected the Baths at great exp ne In the words of one of the greatest Hygienic Physcians, Tus Marne s88 THE wOST COMPLETE IN Kerore. Hand lwi-y in the Pump-Koom. Letters to the Manager wil! receive attention and every infor matior BEST KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO,, 10, Warwick &quare, E.C. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPE?, Lid. , Dublia. RYLANDS'’ DACCA CALICOES ARE THE BEST. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED NUTRITIOUS. DELICIOUS. DICESTIBLE. Zins, ls. 6d. and 2s. Gd, “EXCELLENT—of Great Value.” —Lancet, June 15, 1889, Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAVELLERS, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Fesavanr 14, 1891. ication, | aanneaat | for the wear of Gentie- | This | DELICATE CHILDREN, WEAK DIGESTIONS. COCOA ano MILK obtainable everywhere. OXFORD.—MITRE He ONE OF THE MOST EOCONONig FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE GRAND HOTE TRAFALGAR $6 LONDON, EN —-o—. FINEST SITUATIO EVERY LUXURY COMFORT. MOST RECHERCH CUISINE. a" VERY MODER, fe == Ee TARIFF. can cee Yeclly, wholidemt CALLARD & BOWSER'S BUTTER-SCOTCH. “JOHANNIS KING OF TABLE WATER CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL & Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, Indigestion. Mixes equally well with Win Spirits, or Milk. Not medicinal, but an agreeable health-prom Verage AT ALL FIRST-CLASS HO AND KESTAURANTS Sample Cases of 59 pints, 18/6, includ‘ng b:t JOHANNIS SPRINGS. Lid ZOLL we > a ns SUPPLIED Lrsate Sron 28a, WHARF ROAD city ‘ROAD, Loy "RADE RK POWELL’ BALSAM ANISEED. For COUGHS, ASTHMA, BHONCHITIS., de Sold y Chemists throughovt the world, No fem! should be without it. Paris. Beral, Reber Hogg; Brussels, Pharmacie Delacra; Geser Baker; Motterdam, Santen Kolff. Estabiibe over 59 years. Prepared only by THOMAS POWELL, Blackfriars Bead, Losin ROWLAND'S MACASSAR OIL Nouriahes and Preserves the lair makes it Soft and Silky, and is the Best BRILLIANTINE ; Speci- being not too greasy or drying ally suited for Ladies’ and Children’s Hair; bottles, Se. 6d.; 75.; Ws, 6d ODONTO Whitens the Teeth, Prevenita UDecay, Sweetens the Breath, Sold everywhere. Ir i lves D ation heart ined hock: ‘ ation d ula’ t nec inent ne if ' elig! t vil us & frequ

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Fesrvary 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73 MODERN TYPES. (By Mr, Punch’s Own Type Writer.) No, XXIII.—THE TOLERATED HUSBAND. Ir is customary ier On self-righteous ong my + ~ pall tem elves into a state of Jingo com over the of foreign nations, to declare with ondneae unction that the domestic hearth, which every Frenchman habituall i ined in unviolated pimity in every British household. The rude hocks which Mr. Justice Burr occasionally administers to the national conscience are readily poe. and the chorus of patriotic dulation is stimulated by the visits which the British censor finds t necessary to pay (in mufti) to the courts of wickedness in con- i wwe pe gn $A Ling Se eeaeaaiies wee he lack ne is presented in the gaudy trappings t delight our neighbours, Our wiekedness is coarser and less attractive. It gutters like a cheap candle when contrasted with the steady cy of the Parisian article. Public opinion, too, holds amongst ns a more formidable lash, and wields it with a sterner and more frequent severity. But it is impossible to deny that our society, however strict its professed may be, can and does 5 protince examples of those lapses from propriety which the superficial public deems to be typically and exclusively continental. Not only are they — but their production and their continuance are tolerated y A a certain class, possibly limited, but certainly influential. mongst these exam both of an of toleration, the Tolerated Husband holds a foremost place. Certain conditions are necessary for his proper production. He must be not onl easy-going, but unprinei — unprincipled, that is, rather in the sense of ha no particular principles of any kind than in that of possessing and practising notoriously bad ones. He must have a fine contempt for meeny seapecta lity, and an irresistible inclination to that glittering style of untrammelled life which is believed by those who live it to be the true Bohemianism. - should be weak pat gp he may be pleasant in manner and appearance must be both poor and eciteragant, If to these qualities be added, first a wife, young, good- looking, and in most respects similar to her husband, though of a stronger will, and aw a friend, rich, determined, strictly unprincipled, and thoroughly unscrup the conditions which prodace the Tolerated Husband may be said to be complete. The Tolerated Husband may have been at one time an officer in a good regiment. Having married, he finds that his pay, combined with a moderate private income, and a generous allowance of in- debtedness, due to the gratification of expensive tastes, is insufficient to maintain him in that position of comfort to which he conceives himself to be entitled, He therefore abandons the career of arms, and becomes one of those who attempt spasmodically to redeem com- mercial professions from the taint of mere commercialism by becoming commercial themselves. It is certain that the gilded society which turns up a moderately aristocratic nose at trade and tradesmen, looks with complete indulgence upon an ex-officer who dabbles in wine, or associates himself with a new scheme for the easy manufacture of ing-men’s boots. An agency to a Fire and Life Assurance Society is, of course, above ‘reproach, and the Stock Exchange, an institution which, in the imagination of reckless fools, provides as a cover as , is positively enviable—a repu- tation which it owes to the ied ease with which -a-crown is converted into one hundred thousand pounds by the mere stroke of an office pen. The Tolerated Husband tries all these methods, one after ee, . — monotony of failure in — et, Rey oo how or other, he up a ces, and manages ive im a certain style not my veanoreh fom luxury. He entertains his friends at elaborate dinners, both at home and at expensive restaurants; he is a frequent visitor at theatres, where he often pays for the stalls of many others as well as for his own. He|T: es a small house in the country, and fills it with guests, to y tramples upon, is main- | upon, and his motives readily inferred. It can be none other than the husband’s rich bachelor friend, the same who accompanies the aed on all their expeditions, who is a constant guest at their use, and is known to be both lavish and determined in the poosecntion of any object on which he has set his heart. His eart, in this instance, is set upon his friend’s wife, and the obstacles in his way do not seem to be very formidable. The case, indeed, is soon too manifest for any one but a born idiot to feign a a ag of it. The husband is not a born idiot—he either sees it plainly, or (it may be, after a struggle) he looks another way, and resigns himself to the inevitable. For inevitable it is, if he is to continue in that life of indolence and extravagant comfort which habit has made a necessity for him. So he submits to the constant companionship of a third party, and, in order to be truly tolerated in his own household, becomes tolerant in a manner that is almost sublime. He allows his friend to help him with subventions of money ; he lets him cover his wife with costly jewels. He is content to be supplanted without fuss, provided the su ter never decreases the stream of his benevolence ; and the supplanter, having more wealth than he knows what to do with, is quite content to secure his object on such extremely easy terms. And thus the Tolerated Husband is created. It is curious to notice how cheerfully, to all outward he accepts what other men would consider a disaster. world he carries his head high authority is refe of the house treats mility which goes obsevvation. that there i L The Tolerated Husband, , never tires of dispensing hospitality at the cost of his friend, and though the whole world knows the case, there will never be a lack of guests to accept what is offered, At last, however, in spite of his toleration, he es an encumbrance in his own house, and, like most encumbrances, he has to be paid off, the friend providing the requisite annual income. One after another he puts off the remaining pe of his pretended self-respect. He haunts his Clubs less and 7" and seems to wither under the open dislike of those who are repelled by the mean and sordid details of his despicable story. And thus he drags on his life, a degraded and comparatively impoverished ou untidy, haggard and shunned, having forfeited by the restriction his spending powers even the -natured contempt of those who were not too proud to be at one time mistaken for his friends, LABOURS FOR LENT. Emperor of Germany.—To coneiliate the great men who have had to prefix ‘‘ Ex” to their official titles since he ascended the Throne. * aor of Russia,—To find a resting-place safe from the ihilists. King of Italy.—To do without Cuisr1, and the Triple Alliance. The Emperor of Austria.—To master the subject of Home Rule as lied to Austria, Hungary, and the B _ Nationalities. "King of Portugal.—To settle the Map of Africa with Lord Saxis- jURY. - —- President of the French Republic.—To adapt Thermidor for the German stage. ’ ban President of the American Republic.—To bless the McKinley ari The Marquis of Salishbury.—To consider with his son and heir the Roman Catholic Disabilities Removal Bill. Mr. W. H. Smith.—To renew his stock of Copy-book proverbs. Mr. Gladstone.—To compile and annotate a new volume of Glean- ings, containing the Quarterly Article on ‘‘ Vaticanism,” and the speech in su of the Ripon-plus-Ruseell Relief Bill. ; Mr. Goschen.—To divide the coming Surplus to everyone's satisfaction. . Mr. Balfowr.—To learn to love both wings of the Irieh Party. Mr. Justin MeCarthy.—To discover his exact position. —_ Mr, S. B. Bancroft.—To regard with action his gift to General Dealer Booru.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——__ [Fesrvary 14, 189], JUNIUS Ae SS i ui S| Awake, O Ly ayia ben] =. And give to peans all Pe. eget mod J cungsmacksof The cake! Enchanting hostess Business cares | And Party own thy soft control. hy - In thy the Lord of War Muffles the wheels of his wild car. To And drops his thirsty lanes at thy command. W by a snowy hand, A Pindaric Progment, (A long way after Gray.) Aquila’s self, the fierce and%feathered king, furled Will calmly cask, and pat pat b | Summer rather, and must take | The _—- f his fightnings of | of | Soest Sioa Gee Sarmegmgmataatin Thee the voice, the dance obey ; So—happy apotheosis |—advances Tempered to thy pues sway, ‘‘Here we Hare acarn!”—There are Stately Sir Francis! Blue and Buff, Orange and Green, | two J 1 on the stage. Jonnny Senior See how late-knighted Justice moves along, In harmony are seen, being J. Tooie (now on his way home we majestic, smooth and on a bright Jeune day. from nw Zealand oak Younus foun, Jems ugh plese maze and Neptune ‘ mighty And naw é Jxune triumphs in no minor mea- Harz, both immensely popular as comedians, (O Wimpole uplift the strain !) | Judicial. on and Social Pleasure trious and judicious Patron of the Drama, Toward that y portal’d door. Now i make marvellous meeting. H.R.H. the Prince of Wares. It is gratify- Silk 7 snowy wigs raise the ap- | See with suasion firmly sweet ing to learn that, sage the 7? eee of plausive roar ! aan brisk ting me gy yg that portal guide his eet. Prince presented ho Tenior of thew’ two katy, ¢ of bland and breathing pA an hails his friend’s approach | Johnnies with a silver cigar-box. In the Probate, the wingéd sprite, about must play; | hare looking through a pair of spectacles, and TOMMY ATKINS'S HARD LOT. ‘Tommy Arxrins,” writing modest] enough to the Daily Chronicle of the sit February, complains that the coal supplied by the Authorities for barrack-rooms, is s0 limited in age! that “ during the winter ay Ge a sale, «i lasts about two days” comrades JUDEX. ‘ommy and his gh yet. TA en eS the deficiency ou ee | fact” (says YT. A A.) “I eae rooms where the men have had no fires after the first two days of the week.” If this be 80, Mr, Punch agrees with Tommy in saying, “Surely this ought not to be!” Tomwy ATKINS may reasonably be to “stand fire” at any season, but not the absence of it in such wintry weather as we have had a If this is poor Tommy ATxrns’s lot, As Tommy might say, It is all Tommy-rot! COLUMBIA ON HER SPARROW, (With Apologies to William Cartwright.) (“ The Americans have had Sparrow (Passer domesticus), and epithet reserved for him seems to be that of ‘pest.’” —Daily Chronicle.) TELL me pet set) Now the British Sent .—a hum! parrow ’s come, was Across the sea, Advisers kind did flatter me, ee way o’er Yankee soil, y caterpillar swarms he'd spoil ; PRs Fg oy Ly dhe d be! He would catch a grub, and then It would never f My fields he'd akip, And peck, and miD, And on the outepatitens Sok And nought should coat, ¢ or hop, or ran When he his hearty meal had donr. Alas! it was a sell, indeed ! O'er my fields he makes his flight, In = almost infinite ; alas ! That pon es e crew. What I di much rear . asser 18 MU. S Check him I can’t. TW hse hall I do? a 7 ae The British Sparrow won’t depart, His feathered s break my heart. Would he away I would not, aay! About mere caterpillars fuss. Patience with grubs and moths were mine, Would he but pass across the brine. I call Passer Domestic Cuss ! With sleek-praned plumes, and close- h favour with coe ee A Pair of a Sandringham, the right-hand corner of the lid is engraved a th wanton that winnow the sott air| inside is a dedication to Joumn Hane from i In gliding Mate Lord Cupid leads the way | ALnert Epwarp. “ compliment this,” where grave Law mah mess ~s ama reprove | as Sir WiLL Somers, the Jester, might of young Desire d jures of have said, ~*‘to Jonunr Haze from the Hare fickle Love! osamnaneat te el i

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91, ! E:ReSeWPrepirs rss Fesrvary 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 75 THEIR “IBSEN-DIXIT.” vg Febiiete Das bee putea midst, in parts about Literature j their cult is, one Hewnrk Issey, a Ni 1 the B up, not in tist, style and matter ildish, and the subject often that his method is tedious to writer, if I may judge him fairly and prosy, and never more just now ; let them pay rent in advance the guests to a dinner a bers of this association the United Ibseni mame to Sho eepasiens of thats haste, wees i will and patronage of the Playwreckers, a with considerable success by some of our MR. GLADSTONE’S NEW HOUSE. “The house which Mr. Graperownm has just taken in Park Lane is, it is reported, the selection of Mrs. GLapstows, who recommends it with a view to her busband’s opportunities for exercise.”—Daily Paper.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ————_ [Fesrvary 14, 1891, SULLIVANHOE! telegraphically by wire, ‘‘ Bravissimo handed out to him, when “Svtirvan” and “‘ Jutiaw”—latter name phonetically suggestive of ancient musical associations,, though who nowadays remembers ‘‘ Mons. Jutirey ” ?—the composer and librettist, bow a duet together. **Music” and “ Words” disappear behind gorgeous new draperies. ‘‘All’s swell that ends swell,” and nothing could be seweller than the audience on the first night. But to our tale, As to the dramatic construc- tion of this Opera, had I not been informed by the kindly playbill that I was seein Ivanhoe, should never have found it out from the first scene, nor — / All Dicky with Ivanhoe ; or, The Long and Short of it. about it until the situation where that slyboots Rebecca artfully threatens to chuck herself off from the topmost turret rather than throw herself away on the bad Templar Sir Brian de Bois- Guilbert- sane- Sullivan. The _—_ might be fairly described as ‘‘ Scenes from Teanhoe,” musically illustrated. There is, however, a continuity in the music which is ing in the plot. The scenic effects are t admirable, and the method adopted at the end of each tableau, of leaving the audience still more in the dark than they were before as to what is going on on the stage, is an excellent notion, well calculated to intensify the —s in which the entire plot is enveloped. change of scene—of course highly recommended by the leech if ~ “a TA ‘A, SS \ iN 44 ‘__ _ back in the top storey of the castle tower, where the stout Knight of Ivanhoe is in durance, is with the least possible incon- in his side,—and, judging by his action, he seemed to feel it, what~ | ever it was, all over him,—found himself and his second-hand | lodging-house sofa (quite good enough for a prisoner) suddenly | deposited at the comparatively safe distance of some three hundred | yards or so from the burning Castle of Torquilstone, in which iden- | tieal building he himself, not a minute before, had been immured. | So marvellous a flight of fancy is only to be found in an Arabian, | not a Christian, Night’s Entertainment. The Tournament Scene is a very effective ‘ ot bet pustiedy an eo A — 7 py fighting on S is done “without.” Presen ter a fierce clashing -swords, sounding suspiciously fike fire-irons, Ivanhoe and oe Brian come in, afoot, to fight out ‘* round the sixth, and last.” There is novelty in Mr. Coptanp’s impersonation of Isaae of York, who might be taken for Shylock’s younger brother who has been - menting on his with some curious kind of hair-dye. i comic little /saae will no doubt grow older during the run of the piece, but on the first night he neither looked nor behaved like Rebecca's and venerable sire, nor did Miss Mactnrrne—who, by the way, is rming a8 Rebecca, and who is so nimble in skipping about the stage Pee —s roo tie i Brian de Guilbert- sans- Sullivan, and 80 y active and artful as to be quite a Becky Sharp,—nor, 1 say, did Miss Macrwryre seem to trent her precocious parent (Jsaac must have married v oung, Becky is full twenty-one, sali: coll and Isaac apparently very little more Paavissuo, Sir Antucr SvttrvaN of Ivanhoe, or to compress it Suliivanhoe !” - Loud cries of “ Anruor! Artaon!” and as Anraor and Composer he bows a solo gracefully in front of the Curtain. Then Mr. Jutiam Sroreis is in attendance on the suffering Jranhoe—from the little second-floor- | venience to the invalid, who, whether suffering from gout or pains | seeing that | su’ than twenty-eight, Or, say, thirty) with any great tenderness and affection ; but these} feelings no doubt will be intensified, as she mes more and more accustomed to her peram father during the run of the Opera, and he may say to her, as the Bottle Imp did to his a victi “Hal Hal - : x You must learn to love The game of “Becky my Neighbour.” The me!” Stout Knight lays low. I have not time to enumerate all the charming effects of the Opera, but I must not forget the magic property-harp, with, apparently, limp whip-cord strings, ‘‘the harp that once,” or several times, was played by those accomplished musicians, King Richard, and Friar Tuck, the latter of whom has by far the most taking song in the Opera, and which would have received a treble [or a baritone] encore, had Barkis—meaning Sir ArTHuR—‘“*‘ been willin’.” The contest between Richard and the Friar is decidedly ‘‘ Dicky.” Nor must I forget the magnificent property supper in the first scene, at so much oar where not a ham or a chicken is touched ; nor must “the waits” between some of the sets be 9 op i 8 being so suggestive of music at the merriest time of the year. Nor, above all, must I omit to mention the principal character, Ivanhoe himself, played by Mr. Baw Davies, who would be quite an ideal Jvanhoe if he were not such a very real Ivanhoe—only, of course, we must not forget that he ‘‘ doubles” the part. There is no thinness about ‘‘ Ben Mv,’’ whether considered as a man, or as a good all-round tenor, I did not envy Jvanhoe’s marvellous power of sleep while Miss MACINTYRE was singing her best, her sw and her loudest. For my part I prefer to believe that crafty Saxon was ‘‘ only purtendin’,” and was no more asleep than Josh Sediey on the eye of Waterloo, or the Fat Boy when he surprised Mr, Tupman and Aunt Rachel in the arbour, or when he pinched Mr. Pickwick’s leg in order to attract his attention. But, after all, Ivanhoe and Rowena, as THAc- KERAY remarked, are 4 poor namby-pamby pair, and the real heroine is Rebecca. The Opera ends with a ‘‘ Rebecca Riot.” Every one wishes success to the new venture. As to the Music,—well, I am not a musician, and in any new Opera when there is no one tuneful Ma); bil Mj Hy Mie . Nat fas > UL fh oy —S= oe anyone with half an ear can straightway catch, and reproduce next day till everyone about him cries, ‘Oh don’t!” and “ A 1” Saxon Friar. — - i = , Wagnerianly, will not permit encores— where am |? owhere. I return home in common time, but tuneless, On the other i» ey being certain that Friar Tuck’s jovial will ** catch ay 2 aye reenes the emapiote satisfaction with which I heard the tial whack on the drum so descriptive of Sir Brian de Bois- Guilbert-sans-Sullivan’s heavy fall ‘‘ at the ropes.” This last effect, (ly , a ih ") com N

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Fesrvary 14, 1891.] being as novel as it is effective, ithe attention of the wily and observant DavrioLanvs, who mentally booked the effect as some- thing startlingly new and original for next Pantomime. The combat between the Saxon Slogger, very rm out of at Sapling. and the Norman Nobbler, rather over-trained as ed, is decidedly exciting, and the Nobbler would be backed at eat fog oie Altogether, the w ole show was hly appreciated by Wawmaa, Junior. SPECIMENS FROM MR, PUWNCH’S SCAMP-ALBUM. No, I.—Tae Crasstcat ScHorar ry Repucep Cracumsrances, You are, ah FY. professional man in chambers or offices, incompetently he an wootoiiet boy whom you dare not trust with the responsi or, followed by conversation You hear a eo ra ee mentee in the clerk’s m, & w Gentleman to see you.” Enter © dingy and dismal little man in threeibare black, who advances with an air of Be poem vm aeertanes, “1 think,” he | ci Sopa - boketons’ your same) Te liberty ‘ok Eka Sod eoreelly one matter 0; utmost importance shall ageey you will take utions for our conversation over’eard.” preca) He looks grubby for a client—but ve sod you cer Ki han GO sont aprearanen ar fn : security—whereupon he —e in a lowered voice a "The story 1 am about to to reveal,” he says, smoothing a slimy tall hat, ‘* is of a nature so yoreitieg , 80 ornbe in its details, that I can car? dec "yo wil prbal it to any ’uming obably prepare to before you one who is ein ti bith “You Aang circumstances!” (At this, you give him up as a possible client, but @ mizture of diffidence a cursosity compels you to listen.) ** Yes, Sir, I was ‘ 18 COn- sumeary nati.’ I’ave received a ucation more befitting a dook than my present con- dition. Nursed in the lap of uence, I was trained to fill the lofty position which was to have been my lot. But ‘ necessitas,’ Sir, as you are aware, ‘ necessitas non abat lejim,’ and such I found it. | my i SL sical education at Cambridge College—( ~ ou are yourself an alumbus of Haima eree o? I apologise, Sir, 1’m sure)—but while preparing to take my honorary degree, my suddenly enounced the ho: news de that he was a bankrup’. Strip of all we pos- we were turne out of our sumchuous 5), sessed, f h ri “ome upon the cold world, my Father’s grey ’airs were eo down sorrowing to sang- h he is still sangwin of paying off his creditors in time out of what he can put by from his seanty hearnings. My poor dear Mother—a lady born and bred —sank by slow degrees toa cawfy-stall, which is now marpteed to the = and my eldest Sister, a lovely and accomplished | w gairl, was artlessly Sons over by a nobleman, to ’oom she was engaged to be married, before our reverses overtook us. His name the delikit hinstinks of a gentleman will forbid you to inquire, as likewise me to mention—e h to ’int that he occupies a prominent position amongst the hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be met with in the papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's mind to that degree, that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless maniac! My honely Brother was withdrawn from ’Arrow, and now ‘as the yumiliation of selling penny toys on the kerbstone te his former playfellers, ‘ Tantee nann ~B salestibus hire,’ indeed, Sir! * But you ask ot befell mat ” (You have not—for the simple reason that, even if you desired information, ee has given you no chance, as Ms ae Wh EF sacs he a word.) “Ah, Sir, there you ’ave me on a tender a if I may venture once more upon a scholarly i illusion. But I ’ave resolved to conceal nothing— | n and team / canta = eeeunes Guppoyinene Ge Restistery cal manuensis to baranit, ’00 had been the bosom friend of my College days. He would, I know, have used his influence with Goverment to obtain me a lucritive post; but, alas, ’ere he could do with deliket ve velth, tok him off premature, id on my own resources. In ye Sir, you ’ave doubtless done me the hinjustiee to all I ave a. that my hobjick in obtaining inter- (Here you reflect u tor Kind, 1 do svar ou, fit — te reltef of pouring tat ~ Pe iwchedies ming 0 sympathy, my sorrers u: art, a kind encouraging words, is all Sr res ee ens the wh Femara thal a a Pecuniary assistance ?’ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 77 Sot clots of on Kind Sripndiy face told mo I should net jock. Pore *ave my pride, the pride of a English eman, and bey Reed of Lave ign as gl mg mer mepr the wal ga I should— urt an} ‘4 indignant at the hinsult!"’ (Here Ki fot at ol Spe you have no intention o outraging feta in any such manner.) No, and why, Sir? use you ave a ye, ee art, and if you were to men sech a orfer, you would do it in a kindly Christian spirit which would rob it of all offence. There’s not many as I would bring m to acce tepeiey soversign from, but I dunno—I might fen os ~~ ike io youre Ord a malt, miserts succurr bilosopher says. You ’ave that kind of oS een we with you. you." You “ ly eeanete that he is mistaken here, and of touch bell), “* No, Sir, don’t be untrue to oy OK wy eB A ¥ ae feelin ’art, Bir! Don’t send me away, after me nde time ’ere—which is of value to me, let me tell yer, w tever ens! ee Sets on Well, well, there ’s ’ard people in we ? I’m going, Sir . «+ I ’ave sufficient ity to take a .» You cron tess ovens toate © canes) University Scholar in redoood you ain’t been at a PF it’s Uairety vou you ain aint got the air oft 7 Farewell, Sir, | in life be ht, flat hercite yourself. ive mistook in yer, atl, “iL, T thoes You was as 80 ded young mug as you look, Open that door, will yer; I want to get ! ” Here he leaves yous with every indication of disgust and disap- a --* and hag eer will probably” hear him indulging in unclassical vituperation on OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tue Barun is delighted ‘| pment Liyang third volume of Reminiscences, published b & Co, His cheery after- pone ae.” style of Iuiling voit capital stories is excellent. He is not wri book, he is talking to us ; he is us a series of things, and, quoth © — the Baron, let me \ advise you to light our cigar and sit own in yourarm- chair before the || fire, as not only do |’ you not wish to | interrupt him, even with a query, but you feel in- clined to say, as the children do D apd bint tetas intry twilight ht, the they have been list to a sto roun in the win ig ve ening toa s which deeply interested them hey ha tell us another th The following interpolated ‘‘ aside, “4 ary c istic of Montacu W1114Ms’s life-like conversational manner of telling a story, oocurs at De e 8, where giving an account of a robbery, of which he himself e victim, and telling how a thief asked to be shown up to his, the nendiienl s room, he says, ‘‘ The , like a fool, gave his consent.” The inter lated ‘“*hke a fool, carries the jury, tells the whole story, and wins admiration for the sufferer, who is the real hero of the tale. But beyond the book’s merit as an interesting and amusing companion, it eontains some valuable practical sugees gestions for relieving the ag ant distress in the poorest Prtntelote ich ought to receive attention in the highest quarters. To some readers interested in theatrical Fay Polly fiounton le must prove an interesting work of fiction, if a story can be a ed which, as its author assures his readers with his latest breat should say in his last (p. 291), “* ‘is a true tale.” jt is tne story of a Hanky in ‘ession” to the d of vies Loon the potat of being valeod oti higher in ee social ing arta becoming the wife of a real live young leman, when she sensibly accepts a eS eet ts to f her action for breach of lly Cy A FO acrobat, —— one —, i earlier gootee fe cotastalene y to who are together ignoran some personages, pe we of whom are drawn by the gather, 2 Mr. 7 mom, with, it is not on en 7 rou sketches, an iby je An Trichet bel then sa then such oe character of Final model my hn it can be mm by ~ poh phe ik ay as unexaggerated pi of « certain sort of rage, it ought STs see obatat of some general! Ao alm the for ‘‘ the on ees republican creation, fession ” Po gy vit nnd? Tue Banow ve oe Boou- Wom. with many

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ae ee __ a — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARI. BOT IF YE PRACTIS£ HaRD vor Tarex Years a Ni S, r mv i ENCOURAGEMENT. eng penis, 4 pi ik Professional Golfer (in answer to anxious question). ‘‘ Wan., wo, Sin, at your Time o’ Lirg, YE CAN NEVER HOPE TO BECOME A PLAY&R; , YB MAY BS ABLE TO TELL Goop PLAY FROM BaD WHEN YE BEE IT!”, THE “PAPER-CHASBE.” py tet wap Le But voy is no very great matter. I trust they'll not think I have made a| And that’s why I’m trying to strike a new —— Paper = cutting the ” Paper” This i i ’t, believe me, my darii That old line of country they know, = All right, when the going is slow. For a » raise Remarkably near it last time, Though some of 'em didn’t ‘suspect it ; They ‘ll grumble perhaps, with some force, rey =i re not going to flurry I love ’em, each supple-shanked "Most as much as Btatistion, Te'tradge it | th it Se. =" called an Hacvr-fit. As—Big 8 Combining snug safety with plenty of fua. lus, and a Budget ; A CAN(NES)DID CONFESSION. The Hare (with many financial friends) And so I Should like to secure them a rua, (By a Suffering Angelina.) ’ Yo ite to me, test, with ’Tis a rather new line— I don’t want to lessen their speed, Of S zephyrs” and“ sameseriice csars ;” I don’t want to hamper their daring ; You say women, horses, and men vie If they 've faith in o lead, "tle in mine, ee ee In chorus of croups and catarrhs ; So a tentative me scatter. ast as sm runner, young ¢ ict li The old trac of country this es I'll forsake; B-r-xa! {line You pietare me safe from the marling Of Winter’ s tyrannical swa The Mediterranean way. I scatter it wide. Will it float ? Y A rave of the “* shimmering light on Aesess & tor years they ‘vo been sangers, Of course ae — there’s no knowing ; Y An ocean iting at Brighton, When 'tis fast, are they fly to its dangers ?| But I shall be able to note, Zz yo ede ty t + ; ther the Hounds| By the sea which way the wind’s can warm you are e; or ** boughs with hot oranges breakin [notes, in full flight. Cold comfort, while fortunes we pay But how if the pack come a general cropper ? | There! ‘like white-birds, or bank- For faggots that mock us in making Now, lads, = up! There’s ‘not one yet Their Mediterranean way | es ms Of course I’m ahead of my field, ee ee eat not help them to detect it. m1 is. rough, ere ough, his elt ex a should be, This window wes vurely th the place meant! If ae Ay 3 L. 4 my trail they must give Eh? Fankit? I Fmd em & ry dns poy For mistral to buffet my nose. TO ee The L. 8. D. Harriers’ lick others hollow Of tennis and dances and drums i For pluck and for pace. There’s the trail,— That Eden for Eves”—did you say ? fancy I'll keep the old cou will they fi ? At ie Nothing masculine thereabout. But Il’vea pension! ur Mediterranean way. oe Li G. Goscuzn. Svavivat oy THe Frrrest.’—You need} And “ Esterel’s ameth there some amart | 2°t go to Holland to see the ue. You may Of gossamer shapes carriers— have been find’ it— o> we mean—at tod ft Cue gracious, how 4 Gallery. revel in 0 e I'll make 'om sit up, though, the L. 6. D.| 110 Hizcus without shivering. Indeed, M At * delicate hy , oeem, judging from his atten, No more for this climate Ill play, seems to be very fit, and ~ homeward Te end too have a cold on their [Fesavary 14, 1891, ” dear, aoe in ecstasy go on Mediterranean way. ,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesevarr 14, 1891. THE “ PAPER-CHASKE.” Ricut How. Gao. J. G-scu-n (the Hare), “‘ WONDER WHETHER THRY’LL FOLLOW ?” —_— ———-- -- — -~-—--- —= — ———

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Fesrvary 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81 1] | m iN}, = - THE OYSTERS AT WHITSTABLE FROZEN IN THEIR BEDS! (See Daily Papers.) THE OLD WOMAN AND HER WATER SUPPLY. (An Old Nursery Rhyme with a new burden.) THERE was an old Woman, as I’ve heard say, The frost froze her water-pipes fast one day ; The frost froze her water-pipes fast at first, Till a thaw came at last, the water-pipes burst. By came the Company. Breedy of gain, And it cut her water all off at the main, It cut her water off , if you please, Though it wasn’t Aer fault that the pipes began to freeze. It wasn’t her fault that the water-pipes burst. So she had no water for cleansing or thirst, She had no water, and she to cry, ** Oh, what a cruel buzzum hasa Water Company ’ But I'll repair the pipes, since so it must And the onibeh m aware, will make pickings out of me, If there’s a frost I’ve no water for my pai And if there’s a thaw then the rate-collectors rail.” On Law the old Woman is entirely in the dark ; There seems (no one to save her the fresh-water shark ; The shark does what he likes, and she can only cry, ** Who'll help a poor old Woman ’gainst the Water Company ?”’ MOI-MEM, ** Moi- Méme,” in the course of his pleasant Worldly wanderings among things in general, observes, d propos of the younger CoquELin’s tion about lectures by orofessors of the Dramatic Art to youthful students, ‘ One can scarcely fancy a more humorous sight than Mr. Toore giving a professi lecture to dramatic aspirants, telling them when to wink, when to wheeze, when to *’scuse his glove,’” &c. Now it so ha t when this same idea was first started—or sachene revived — some eleven years ago, Professor Tooxtr’s Lecture to Students of the Dramatic Art was given in Mr. Punch’s es. The , one of a series supposed to he given y various actors, will be found in Vol. LXXVIIL., page 93. It appeared on the 28th of February, 1880. Note by a Nomad. Surrn, of Coalville, imagines that Civilised Man Falls too much to the rear if he lives in a Van; But Caravan-dwellers, with force and urbanity, Declare that Smirn’s views of Van life are pure vanity | THE HIGHEST EDUCATION ; Or, what is looming a-head, _A Deprvration on behalf of the Exasperated Ratepayers’ Associa- tion waited yesterday afternoon on the Chairman of the London School Board at their new and commodious palatial premises erected on the vast central site recently cleared, regardless of expense, for that purpose in Piccadilly, and presented a further protest against the a expenditure indulged in by that body. The Chairman, smiling y intumating that he would hear what the Depu- tation had to say, though he added, amidst the ill-suppressed merri- ment of his confréres, he sup it was the old 7 ee | protest, ibly on this occasion because they had recently directed that the ys attending the schools of the Board should come in ‘‘ Eton” suits, the cost of which naturally fell upon the rates, or some captious objection of that kind, which it really was a waste of breath to discuss. However, whatever it was, he added, he was willing to hear it. The Spokesman of the tation, a Dake in reduced circumstances, who ascribed his ruin to heavy rates he had been’called upon to ay through the extravagance of Board, and who declined to give is name, said that though had not thought the Eton suits a necessity, still it was not against them they had to protest. It was the addition of Astronomy involving the erection (with fitting first-class instruments) of 341 observatories in the London district alone, Ohinese, taught by 500 native Professors imported from Pekin for the purpose, horse- 4 , and the church (these last two being compulsory), her with the use of the tricy cle type-writer,and which instruments were provid for every single pupil at the expense of the ra to the curri- all thoes Pupils who were fitted for the third standard. The speaker said he knew that it had long been settled that the finest and most comprehensive education that our advanced civilisation could supply should be provided for the submerged half of the tion, and they could not grumble at these things, but what they did not consider necessary was, that a sho be forthcoming for each pupil-teacher sufficient to enable him or her to drive to the schools in their own carriage and pair. (Much laughter.) He did not think it a laughing matter. He would strongly suggest a diminution of at least £1000 a-year in the salaries of these over- paid officials. The Chairman here asked the speaker if he had considered that ** descending’ from a carriage was necessarily connected with the teaching of penny: on which the Board set great value? Was he not aware that some great man had said, wishing to give Deport- ment its proper —— as an educational factor, that the Battle of Waterloo (at least he thon he was quoting correctly) was won at Almacks? (Renewed laug Anyhow, he did not consider that £2,500 a-year, and a house in Mayfair, was at all an excessive remu- neration for a School-Board teacher, as by the Board’s standard. He thought, if that was all the Deputation had to urge that ow might have saved themselves the trouble their protest had cost them. The Spokesman having for a few moments consulted with his colleagues, hereupon turned to Chairman, and delivering with fearful emphasis the customary curse on the School Board, its Chairman, and all its belongings, at the same time thankin, the Chairaen’ for bis courteous texeptien of tho Depatetion, silently and sulkily withdrew. DavrioLanvs AnD Danctne.—The Fancy Dress Ball—not a “‘ Ball Marsky”—at Covent Garden, last Tuesday week, was a great success, on which Davriotanus Fortunatvs is by congrata- lated. There is to be a similar festivity, to celebrate Mi-Caréme. Quite appropriate this date, when the season is half Lent, and the costumes almost all borrowed.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Feoncany 14, 1891, | HOUSE OF LORDs. APPEAL CASE. AN

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alien HOUSE OF LORDs. APPEAL CASE. AN Fesrvary 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. ‘ inute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. a by rat fe me.”—Mr. Krrtixe to Magazine Editor, who to secure him as a Contributor.) 0 man! for whom this world of ours Who wondrous -compelling iow telling tales (and making money), ust laugh to rake the dollars in, Aithe publi “do Fy A alee tales ere you "Sandee ye who've got to read them It fri htens us to hear your Ninety-One frig —for the prospect ’s not inviting, To think of all that may and will be done, If, through the present year you ne’er cease writing ! With bated breath we ask, and humble mien— We realise how far we come behind you— That you will leave one remnant Magazine In which we may be sure we shall not find you. Then will your Rupyasp name with joy be hailed, And yours will be a never- glory, If, when you’re asked to write a Light that Failed, You merely tell us, ‘* That’s er story.” AN UPPER NOTE. Srm,—I mustn’t interfere with the ye Tony, M.P. Bat, as he is not reported as being in the Upper House on this particular occasion, I help drawing general i i of busi among the Lords on Thursday last. I q from the Parliamentary Report in the Daily Telegraph, which us that “The Lonp Cuance.tor took bis seat on the Woolsack at a quarter-past four o’clock.”” Then in came ‘A New Spiritual Peer.” Awful! It sounds like an apparition in a blood-curdling ghost- story. Where was Lixa Joxo with his pencil 7 Well, ‘the new Spiritual Peer took his oath and his seat ”— uly yaar pee upon for his toast and sentiment ?— and then—what happened? Did their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat with the new-comer? No, not a bit of it; for the report says, “Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five o'clock.” UNREGENERATE. ‘ONLY THINK HOW DELIGHTFUL, Bossre! Tary'vE pIscoveRED, In Manv- So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and | SORIPT, AN ENTIRELY NEW WORK BY ARISIOTLE, AND THEY "RE GOING TO FUB- seated himself, all the old went out. There’s|LisH IT!” manners foryou! And this in Upper House, too! ! Yours truly, THe Manrquiz, ‘*Reatty, Mamuis! Taen ALL I cAN say 18, I’M PRECIOUS GLAD I ‘ve LEFT ScHOOL FOR Goop |” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DraRy oF Tosy, M.P. vif Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 2. —"T do oe ead OLD Monatirr, a cloud of disappointment settling on his massive brow, career, so suddenly broken out in a man as it has with with my own organs of vision, incre- dible. We must make Gzpex a Peer, a] oF § County Court Jud ” LD Mokatity’s not The Rollit Albert that gathered unwarranted. GEpex made Three Bills i ge our flesh ereop tonight OF ait Ee Three Bills into the Statute in the world, it came} about on the Tither Bill. In Committee all night; Sir Joun SWINBURNE spoken several times; Hancover, leading O ition, made several efforts to i proceedings with a little life, but not to be done. Bill y slipping through ; Amendments to Clauses all a new ones on . Of course not slightest chance of being added ill. ie to mae A | three minutes to Twelve; running it close, but just time to @ | get Bill through. Gener on his feet; q ;. needn’t stand up to say he would not move his Clause; if he had simply lifted his hat when Chairman called his name it be under- stood that ced his Clause, this, dallying on stroke of Midnight. To his horror, Hicxs-Bracu heard Gepar beginning to describe purport of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes. After moment’s horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into angry cries of, ** Divide!” Mey convulsed with laughter; Hicxs-Bracu pale and stern, and stony silent; Srpwer Gepox fl conversa - tional, dogged. Even if Tithes Bill were lost he would explain the bearing his new Clause. Scene in hilarity ; lasted three minutes; then Midnight sounded Sypwey sat down, surprised to find he had talked out the Tithes Bill rh You ag knocked me o ae y A anes pg —— LLIT, W ore opening ps, observ: of propping himself up against the wall. ‘“‘Gzpoz, of ai men, to

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= | the shooting-off scene. 84 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Fesrvary 14, 1891, ——__—. week! It’s all Cownrwey’s fault. Since Gener tasted Courtney's blood, on the night he interrupted his speech by = the | Chair with Hexsext Ganpyer, Gepex has never been same man. There’s no knowing to what lengths he may not go.” Business done. Svpxuy Gepox broken out again worse than ever. Tuesday.—Mansonipanxs rather depressed as he rose to move his Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission on New Magazine Rifle. “ | different circumstances. | | Had hoped to appear under very ——. Meant quite to Sel mat in the shade Lrow Prayratr’s historic _— - ated on Margarine, when he had the | tables covered with pots of that substance, with penny loaves and small knives for Members to sample withal. For weeks MarJsoRIBANKS been preparing for occasion. Had possessed himself of quite an armoury of rifles: intended to bring them into the House and illustrate his lecture with prac- tical experiments. The climax was to be Bossy SPENCER and ANsTRKUTHER on in this. Bossy stand- ing at the Bar with an apple held on palm of extended right hand; Maksonrpanxs, using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear the apple off, leaving Boxnsy's hair un- singed, and not a wrinkle added to his collar. ANSTRUTHER was next to stand in the same place, braving the fire of the Magazine Rifle. But he didn’t have an apple, as it was arranged that the new arm should jam. , ** Suppose it doesn’t ?” AnsTRUTHER in- quired, when Mansonrpanxs first unfolded his scheme. : “Oh, that'll be all right,” said Mar- JORIBANKS, cheerily. Long practice on the Terrace made the arrangements perfect, when they were ‘ : suddenly upset by interference from un- -=—«-Standing Fire. — expected quarter. The Sreakex, wondering what all this rifle- popping was, came to hear of the project’; at once said it wouldn’t do; no arms of any kind admitted in House of Commons, except the sword worn by Serekant-aT-Anms, and once a year the lethal weapons carried by the Naval or Military gentlemen who move and second Address. a4 Spencer rather glad, I fancy ; ANsTRUTHER not inconsolable. But Mansonrpanks distinctly dep . ** Not often I occupy time of House,” he said. ‘‘ We Whips make Houses, and you empty them. Durr—and he’s nota Whip now— made all the running with his orations on the herring brand. Thought I would make a hit this time.” **T was a little afraid of it too,” said AnsTRUTHER. ° “Oh, you were all right,” said Mansontsanxs; “the New Magazine Rifle will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out with an oily rag, and I was going to) take precious care to forget the rag. You’ve no public spirit, AnsTRUTHER, since you left us to help Wormer to whip up Diesen- tients.” No ap from SPeAKER’s ruling. MArsorrBanxs had to make the best of botched busi- ness. Brought to the table a spring snap-extractor, a bolt- head and some other ; poor substitute for what he had intended. Still made out admirable case, Go- vernment mustering majority of only 34 against Motion. Just before Midnight, Tithes Bill reached ; Gzpex’s Amend- ment still blocked the way; Chairman called aloud, ‘** Mr. Gepex!” no answer; place empty. Whilst Members whis- pering inquiry, Bill through Committee, and Minis- ters triumphed. That’s all very well, but where’s Gepox ? Coss, who is developing quite uns' gifts in the Ama- teur ive line, intends to take this matter up when he has settled the affair.of the Coroner at the Beproxp inguest. Grandolph’s Latest Achievement. spoil the Ministerial shin and imperil their arrangements for the! Business done.—Tithe Bill through Committee, Mysterious dis- appearance of Sypyzy GEepexr. Thursday Night.—GranpoLrn back again, bringing his sheaves —I mean his beard—with him. Hardly knew him at first. Nosuch beard been seen in House since MacrarLane left us. Not quite the Fr colour; but Granpotra could give a handful to Macrantaye, and win. ** Yes,” he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent result achieved in comparatively short time, ‘‘ when I do a thing, [ like to do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on a windy day ; tendeney to get between your knees, or wrap itself round your neck. But we’re growing used to each other, and shall get on nicely by-and-by.” More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now Geper’s place is empty. Business done.—Report Stage of Tithes Bill. Friday.—Conversation as to course of public business. Oxp Moratirty regrets Tithes |Bill not through ing stage Down on the paper for to-night, but didn’t think there would be much chance of reaching it. So put it down for Monday. If not got through then, must be taken on Thursday, and Jouw Mor- LEY’s Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along indefinitely. Much regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.; but no one had yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid matter in a glass receptacle not exceeding the copectity of one pint. Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off agenda for to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at — ast Seven, Cony BEARE rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Bat, ** Why, bless me!” cried Orp Moratiry, aghast at the news, “here ’s a sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it for the Tithes Bill Business done.—Motion to abolish Livery Franchise negatived by 148 votes against 120. ST. VALENTINE’S EVE. Scene — The outside of a small fancy-stationer’s in a back-street. The windows are plastered with highly-coloured caricatures, designed to convey the anonymous amenities prescribed by poetic tradition at this Season of the Year. A smali crowd is inspecting these works of Art and Literature with'hearty approval. First Artisan, See this’ere, Brru? (He spells out with a slow relish.) ** With yer crawlin,’ lick-spittle carneyin’ ways, Yo think very likely bein’ a nippererit ’ll pay ! Still some day it’s certain you ft be found out at lorst As a cringin’, sloimy, snoike in the grorss!”’ Why, it might ha’ been wrote »-purpose for that there little cantin’ beggar up at our shop—blowed if it mightn’t! Second Artisan. Young Meaty, yer mean? But that’s cawmpli- mentry—for him—that is! First A. But yer see the ideer of it. They’ve drawed im a snoike, all ‘cept ’is ed, d’ye see? That’s why they’ve wrote ** Snoike in the Grorss,” underneath. Hor-hor! they must be smart chaps to think o’ sech things as that ’ere, eh ? [ They move on, irst Servant Girl (reading)— ** Two squintin’ boss-heyes, and ’air all foiry-red. You surely can’t ever expect to be wed ? Yer nose shows plain you ’ve took to gin. You’re a nice party for a wedding-ring! ” I ve ’arf a mind to go in and git one o’ them to send Missis. Second S. G. (in service elsewhere). Oh, I would! Go in, Satyr, quick. I can lend ey a ap’ny towards it. Sally (meditatively). I’d do it—on’y she’d guess ’ood sent it her! Second 8. G. Let ’er. You can stick ’er out it wasn’t you. Sally. I could, o’ course—but it wouldn’t be no use, she’d tell the ’andwriting on the hongvelope! (Gloomily.) Second 8. G. Oh, if that’s all, 7’U direct it for yer. Come on, Satty ; it will be sech a lark, and then you can me all about what she said arterwards! They enter the shop. First Young Person in hat and feathers (reading)— ** The female ’art you think you’ll mash, By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da moustache. But I tell you straight it’ll be a long time Before I take you to be my Valentine!” I do wonder what Cuortey ’AwWxkins would say if I sent him one of them. Second Y. P. But I thought you told me CHoriey ’AwKINS never took no notice of you? First Y. P. No more he does—but p’raps this ’ud make him! — A Young Woman (who has fallen out with her fiancé). ain’t arf Valentines this year. I wish I could come across one with ’orns and a tail! Elder Sister (to small Brother—tn a moral tone), Now, Jimmy, ‘ou see what comes o’ Book-learnin’. If you’adn’t gone to the Board School so reg’lar, you wouldn’t ha’ been able to read all the potry on the Valentines like you can now, would yer now ? cP NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Euvelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be uo exception. Te this rule

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fenrvany 14, 1891. OUSE SANITATION, TYPHOID, AND DIPHTHERIA. 4 /& ,.BLOOD POISONS. It is no exaggeration to state that not one quarter of the dwellings of all classes high or low, rich or poor, are free from dangers to health, due to defects with respect to drainage, &c., &c.... These original defects will inevitably entail a loss of health and energy to the occupants of the houses, and this may go on for years, working insidiously, but with deadly effect.... It is painful to know that, after all that has been done of late years in the way of sanitary improve- {\, ments, persons die almost daily, POISONED by the DRAINS that should save >.) life and not destroy it.—SAnITARY CoNGREsS, September, 1882 * JEOPARDY OF LIFE.—THE GREAT DANGER OF VITIATED AIR. How few know that after breathing impure air for two and a half minutes every drop of blood is more or less poisoned. There is not a point in the human frame but has been travereed by poisoned blood, not a point but must have suffered injury, ENOS “FRUIT SALT” is the best remedy. It removes foetid or poisonous matter (the groundwork of disease) from the blood by natural means, allays nervous excitement, depression, and restores the nervous system to its proper condition, Use ENO’S “FRUIT SALT,” It is pleasant, cooling, reficshing, and invigorating. You cannot overstate its great value in keeping the blood pure and free from disease, NO’S “FRUIT SALT.” —From the Rev. Dr. Hunét, Vicar of Collerly.—“I have used your ‘FRUIT SALT’ for many years, and have verified your statements. The thanks of the public are due to you for your unceasing ¢éfforté to relieve suffering humanity. Long may you live to be a bleasing to the world.” 7 USED my ‘FRUIT SALT’ freely in my last severe attack of fever, and I have évery reason (6 sdy I believe it saved my life.”—J. OC. Eno.

EADACHE AND DISORDERED STOMACH.—“ After suffering for riedrly two and a half years from severe headache and disordered stomach, and after trying almost everything, and spending much money withont finding any beuefit, 1 wae recommended by a friend to your ‘FRUIT SALT,’ and, before I had finished ene e, 1 found it doing meas great dealot good, and now I am restored to my usual health, And others I know that have tried it have not enjoyed such good health for years, ours most truly, Roszzt Humruesrys, Post Office, Barrasford.” GYPT, CAIRO.—Since my arrival in Egypt in August last, I have on three oceasions been attacked by fever; from which on the firat I lay in hospital for six weeks. The last attacks have been. however, completely repulsed in a remarkably short space of time by the use of your valuable ‘FRUIT SALT,’ to which I owe my sent health, at the very least, if not my life itself. Heartfelt gratitude for my restoration and preservation impels me te add my testimony, and in so doing | feel tuat 1 am but ying the dictates of duty.—Believe me to be, Sir, gratefally yours, A Corrorsn, 18th Hussars. May 26, 1883.—Mr. J. CO. Exo.” HE SECRET OF SUCCESS,—“ STERLING HONESTY of PURPOSE; WITHOUT it LIFE isa SHAM!”—“ A new invention is brought before the public, and commands success. A scoré Of abominable imitations are immediately introduced by the unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely enough to deerive the lic, and yet not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, employed in an original channel, could not fail to secure reputation and profit.””—Apams. AUTION.—Ezamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule ia marked ENO'S “ FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you have been tmposéd on by a worthless imitation. Sold by all Chemists, REPARED ONLY AT ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON, S.E, BY J. C. ENO’S PATENT.

DURIQUS OLD |” sma tamion, wr |S ree te es THOMPSON and CAPPER’S ICHLAND WHISKIES| KINABAN'S ~~ ce" | DENTIFRICE HOWARD PURE, MILD, AND LL OLD IRISH 7 10 15 & 25 years in wood, | p MELOW, oie BEDFORD en nde Minas inseoom- | wneitiou. — WHISKY. WATER IPLOUGHS Besutifies and Preserves the Teers.

4 ‘ ft FP B Ts. kas ie, Moderate use ot Wrnaky: | THE PRIZE MEDAL, OUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. 1o'ociine amd Hetveching to the Mowrn. BL, sk sed unless it is well matured. GUILDFORD STREET, YORK ROAD, Ant tohes owey sae ae eee

N.B.—The success of this the first liquid Dentifrice | 66 ” Detailed List on application to LAREESE, 6.3. made in Envland has led to many tsvniovs R L EN " imitations, It is necessary for purchasers to see DREL BROS., COBBETT & SON Paty wp BALL-POINTED. (LIMITED), -= Chemists and Stores, or sent, post free, from 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 65, BOLD STREBT, LIVERPOOL. 18 & 19, PALL MALL; SAVE $0 PER CENT. ané BUY your SHIRTS 143, REGENT ST. and COLLARS direct from Ireland, the Home of isky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. Linen Manufacture. t — THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. G B TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. : ’ USED IN TEE PALACE AND THE SHILLING. IABETES WHISKY | ¢2*° "Steen teens” °* 2% Recommended by the Medica! Faculty. INNES & GRIEVE, EDINBURGH and LONDON.

Made of the finest stee!, beautifully finivhed, and glide over the paper like « lead pene In One Shilling Boxes. Of all Stationers, or ORMISTON & GLASS, 17, St. Bride St., E.C. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. Tho Original and Genuine ‘* Worcestershire Sauce.” For HOT and OOLD save Mone7, Time, and Temper by woarisg MEATS, TAAFTE & COLDWELL’S celebrated GRAVIES, 66 Perfecta 3) sarane SHIRTS and COLLARS.| GAME,

‘meno Sugar. Is not stored in Sherry Casks. DIABETES, GOUT, & EIDNEY COMPLAINTS, ain!) seems to deserve its name.” —Lasene. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID, EO. BACK & CO., onshire Square, London. . .

va.

Perfect in Fit.—Perfect in Fase.—Perfectin A ppear- FISH, “.—These are made of the most durable Long — cloth and Pure Trish Linen, in all sizes orto special WELSH 4 meacure or patiern, and a faving of 3 per cent. is ‘Godda ‘d's tMected by buying direct from the Manufacturers, RAREBITS 7 a I S A Sample Shirt sent Post Free tor bv. 6d. equal te & m¢ QD those usually sold at 7s 6d. en! size of Collar and C., &e. i aL >, ra | C Chest Measure. Four-fold Irish Linen Collars, ls.94., ; x ‘ 4 2s. Od.; extra quality, 2s 94. per half doz., Post Pree. é ee fn BASS, G0. 1% COLD MEbsLS owanet TAAFFE & COLDWBLL. Shirt Tailors, Stgnatare to on overs Lottie of the Genuine every where, in boxes, le, i. 66., and te. 64 61, Gnarres Sraser, DUBLIN.

aie --

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fennvarr 14, 1891. =. a a Fi Ci I aa I EF I a LE DELEON LOD CO a a a Ta a a a I ey

ee HONEST SOAP. FROM DR. REDWOOD, Ph.D., F.LC., F.CS., &., Professor of Chemistry and Pharmacy to the Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain.

‘* Being authorised by Messrs. Pears to purchase at any _ and all times, and of any dealers, samples of their Trans- “i parent Soap (thus ensuring such samples being of exactly the same quality as is supplied to the general public), and to submit same to the strictest chemical analysis. I am enabled to guarantee the invariable purity of this Soap. gale “The proportion of alkalies to fats is absolutely chemi- _ cally correct. In a perfect Toilet Soap neither preponderates “Te —a characteristic the immense importance of which the public have not yet been ‘educated up’ to realising. An ; excess of alkali or an excess of fat being alike very injurious, and even dangerous to a sensitive skin. SATURDAY. “Tt is also free from any admixture of artificial colour- ing substances, its well-known dark amber tint being entirely due to the natural colour of the materials used in its manufacture. . ¢

“The perfumes introduced are pure, agreeable, and perfectly harmless, PUBLISHED EVERY ne ee i q ‘*No water has been added. Water is quite commonly ; added in the manufacture of soaps to increase their weight (some containing as much as 30 or 40 per cent.), but PEARS’ SOAP is entirely free from any such admixture, and thus being all soap instead of soap and water, it is —_ remarkably lasting, that is to say, that, whilst producing an “i abundant lather, it is not quickly worn away in use, and ; wears down to the smallest possible piece; there being con- sequently no waste, it is really a remarkably cheap article.

~~. ——< ‘““My analytical and practical experience of PEARS’ SOAP now extends over a very lengthened period—nearly ta ~ fifty years—during which time I have never come across “wi another Toilet Soap which so closely realises my ideal of perfection; its purity is such that it may be used with perfect confidence upon the tenderest and most sensitive skin—even that of a new-born babe.’’ wer

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THOUCHTS. - C. Burnand Volumes AT HOME ‘ 5/- each, Illustrated, R A T H EF R A u $ : A. Pio S. Perr

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MONIAL HERALD ‘THE MaTRI PASHIONABLE MARRIAGE GAZETTE represents the jarges( and most succesefu. Matri- * world, and is the original and sole respons die me dium for the Nobili ity, Gentry, ong Commerecia acer: Priee ta necere ia tain envei pe ‘4 ¥ 2, ©. Lamb's Condait treet, Loudon ‘ 0 _— ~h fall Newsagents. Becont Editior own 6 th, ls. 64 Foops von Tae FAT —The Setentite | Care of Corpateney y Dr. YORK» » hoy Lond *The wate “y wi . ' nd call the “ aun Few of oar fat ends will siew mach ti . opre before having « diet laid down for ¢ he es ind ated in tals book "—Sr. Sere . Landon: CHAT! & WINI DUS 2\4, Piceadilly. TO CURE ALL HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HEADACHE, USE HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Tested in many of the severest cases, and slways proved effectaal. They contain no opium, bromides, or narcotics, and the highest medical saathorities have pro- nounced them harmless. Thousands now attest their value, and none need suffer from headache A TRIAL WILL CONVINCE. See that you get HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE FOWDERS. Your own Chemist, and all the Wholesale Houses. ls, #1. per box, Post Free from J. K. MATTERSON, CHEMIST, Price 108, NEW OXFORD ST., LONDON. | #0 lastic — + s ae while to the little giving to clip for sup- every poss porting the Sle strain, i drawers, is virtually impercept:- ble to the wearer. Ve S- ce *Tirarep BB* The Best Present A WOMAN can give A MAW. OF ALL HOBSIERS EVERYWHERE, Wholesale of any of the Leading Houses. If any difficulty i» obtaining, send Postal Order Se.) P. Department, Central ah 6, Philip ane, London, B.C., and « pair will mailed free by return of post DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of ras STOMACH, HEARTSUKN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. teld throughout the World FOR ASTHMA &C DATURA TATULA FOR SMOKING AND INHALATION. SAVORY & MOORE, London, And hemists every where ee YOUR CHiLDRE,, DGES. RI Special at- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 21, 1891. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daity Consumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. “HEAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” sek Fos ‘MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. (iheen.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” INVIGORATING LAVENDER SALTS The new and universslly populer me ime Salts and agreeabie deodo: lzer Appreeated alike in Valace, Mansion. an ottage as a mo-trefresh- ar luxury Always in g een glass bottics, with the well-known Caow» Srorrea. All others are ; spurivus | SOLD EVERYWHERE | Made only by the Crown PerfumeryCo. | > |177, NEW BOND ST., LONDON. | ° Hewaas or Tee Paaty orreniwe Imirarions oF acwrvex & Camenon'’s Pens THE FLYING “J" PEN. Writes over 180 words with one dip. “ Beems endowed with the ree n*s art.” Sold every where, 64. and r box CHP Sampiec Box. with all the Binds, in by Post Macziven & Cameron, Waverley Works, Edinburzh. HOOPING COUGH, CROUP ROCHE’S HERBAL EMBROCATION. celebrated effectual eure without internal ane Sole Wholesale Agents, y'! Bowanse & Son, 157, Queer Victoria Street, L. Bold by most Chemists. Price és. The HOWARD BEDFORD HARROWS. SAMUEL BROTHERS. BOYS’ SCHOOL OUTFITS. Messrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS haveresdy for immediate use ee | large astortm of BOYS’ and YOUTHS’ CLOTHING They will also be pleased to send, upon ap. lication, Parrenss of Mareniace for the wear of Gentie- men, Hoys, or Ladies, together with their new Iticermaten Cata- Locus, containingabout 400 Engravings. This furnishes cetails of the Various cepartments, with Price Lists, &c BLIES 7 Chipping Nor- Paris—K. Acaap, 328, Rue §t. Martin. New York—Fowerns & Co.; North Willem Street. ton Riding and Suiting Tweeds, Cheviots, 4 Homespuns we erges, ac A yi tment of the roduciions of th eminent firm is Surr. alway s kept in stock SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILOR‘, OUTFITTERS, 4c., > & 67, Ludgate Hili, Lonpow, E.C, Ww orkshops :— Pilgrim St., Ludgate Hill, and 46, Gray's Inn Road. “ Evon * 2 i COLT’s NEW TC) UNITED STATES NAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Travellers, and for Military Purposes, takes Eley's 38 cal. Express and all other “% cal Pistol Cartridces. coLT’s LIGHTNING MAGAZINE RIFLES, Por Large and Small G ok Shooting, and Target Practice, are un ——+ ae for accuracy and unequalled for rapid ty of fire. COLT’S REVOLVERS ecorried off ali the highest Prizes at Hisier, burgh, and Dubin in 1800. Price List free COLT"’S FIREARMS Co.,14, Pall Mall, London,S. W. STREETER & COMP.’S SPECIALITIES. D!AMONDS, white, a and modern cut, DIAMONDS of all ATENT C e]t) 44" Food STREETER & COMP., Gem RUBIES, of the pigeon ’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and colours. Experts, Bond St., London. OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICA, FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDoy BRIGHTON | HOTEL JMETROPOLE OW OPEN Rece tion - EBRATED BUTTER: a Congislar iy" USED IN ALL HOSPITALS, CONDY'’S REMEDIAL FLUID CONDY’S.—A Household Word. CONDY’S.—In f£ore Throats Never Fails. CONDY’S.—The Sovereign Cure for Relaxed Throat, ‘I find the Cona Son oes pat E excellent, many cas cr cued imme di tely."—Dr. T. W Pmeane . ‘It is of great service +s a: is ing and stimu! «tinggarzgie."’"—D teaman's Ho«pital SORE THROATS.—Slight Cares Cured at Once e. *‘Pvery case showed an Mt A '—Dr Resse nroaTs COND Y’S.—Severe Sore Throat Quickly Relieved. eh bn employed it with invariabe "—Dr. Cuas. ete. CONDY'S. — “* Cleans s most rapidly.” —iir. Peo Waa ges.’’—Mepicat Tine coNnpDyY's. —The “ Lancet” says: Altogether it is not wondertul that Fiuid has been a favourite wit scientific and unscientific men. CONDY’ ‘8. —Everyone should read he reports by eminent medica! autho this Dumerous aliments issued with every bottie, or sent free by post on applica tion to CONDY’S FLUID WORKS, 64, TURNMILL STREET, E.C ALL FAT PEOPLE a take TRILENE TARLETS (Regi). i A safe cure for Stourngss. Send 2s 64 Te ENE CO., 70. Yinsbury Pavement. L ice ¥ ||PRICE 4/, 2/6, || To be had of all Perfumers, Chemists, $¢. * FAVORITE we ENGLISH PERFUME Always Refreshing, Sweet and Lasting. CONDY'S FLUID. Wounds | CONDY'S. a For Irritating Dis- | ties, affo rding useful information on | | | : 5/, & 40/6 per Bottle. WHOLESALE—R. HOVENDEN & SONS, BERWERS STREET, W., & CiT¥ Road, BC, LONDON.

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OTEL KINGDoy | POLE EN ption r

Fesrvary 21, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 85

MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. No. XIII.—THROUGH SPACE ON A FORMULA. (By Routes Spurn, Author of “‘ Gowned and Curled in Bighty Stays,” “ Twenty Thousand Tweaks Sundered the Flea,” ‘' A Tea with Ice,” “4 Doctor on Rocks and Peppermint,” ‘‘ A Cab-Fare from ‘ The Sun,’” “' The Confidence of the wor ey " “ Attorney to Dissenters up at Perth, ” Tieutenant Scattercash,” dc.) [‘ This,” writes the Author, “is one of my best and freshest, although on a | moderate computation it must be my thousand and first, or so. But I have really lost count. Still it See Oe Sa sae leagues, miles, vastnesses, secrets, mysteries, and ible sciences. Some pedants e that I write in French. That ’s a for every schoolboy knows (and lots of them have told me) that I write only in ae. or in American. I have some highly dried samples of vivid adventure ready for immediate consumption. Twopence more and up the 7 up, u Dy to bea satellite to an undiscovered star. Brave Donkey! I f Cuaprer I. Tue iceberg was 7 v3 was no doubt of it. Movi with a terrible sinuous Occasionally an qeniions ended hed like a foolish hen, and ed at mass. Then ther was a aight oa followed by a mild? ee of still. The — on smiling in triumph, and British Admirals wrote to the ay ja ” be known 80 ye ye wes as to BS contest with a hen-coop a cerainty for the hen- coop. | And still the i Within its central = iy ~y venerable man, lightly clad in nankeen breeches, a cap of liberty, and a Liberty silk shirt. He was writing cabalistically, He did not know why, nor did he know what ** meant. This was his Why was he to be who read shall hear. | clare wit and were fitted and e c tons. A bright fire ey The thick Brussels was littered with ring, and ‘paterng, and eam like so many soph locked aa = er looked w: “re thing S oak a button wey bis side. was a sound as of a Sutinent rata Ps a distant nose Ss to twang, the door opened, and a tall lantern-jawed wed gentleman, wearing a goat-beard and an expression of i. cunning, into the room. “T guess you were waiting round for or me,” said Colonel ZepExKiAx D. Gosane (for it was indeed he), and sat down in an empty arm- othing had happened. chair, as if n The P appeared not to notice. ‘‘ Next character, please,” he said, palling out a long stop, end plesing his oquare leg on the wicket which gave admission to his laboratory, while he waited for the entrance of the Third Man. There came a murmur like the buzz of a ton of blasting powder, in a state of excitement. * Beefsteak and Pale Ale,” as Lord Jouw Burirup dashed, without a trace of emotion, i into the room, and sneezed three times vast stopping to _ his on the mat. One et said the a He hurled — ey first, nies a mer i at the ceiling his head against the floor called down the tube. "Dy suis!” came the answer, and ithe ty light- hearted Fren M,. le Docteur BR ns pees with thousand thunders, =i: his jauntily up to the other three. “ And now,” remarked the ““we have got the i, mniete The story can start. Hurry up! Hark forrard ! n 7 Cuaprter II. “* Lewp me your ” said the They lent them, but without interest. Yet were San el * Attention “You know why Ihave friends!” he et ne ee somewhat annoyed. ave summoned you. We have to make another journey together. The moon, the see. the —we have v and Seamaved % them, and they are It remains to visit the Sun, and to Gira thee End one Be ror he ntpi coward You y oOHN es M. le Docteur,” he added, admiringly, ‘ will of course se take the nae

| He paused, and waited for Lord Joun’s reply. It came prompt, jens ee? | “Ts it a ding cake?” said Lord Jon, hey loved their jokes,“small and old. ** Have you an to ask ?”’ ** Nothing. “ © we start ?” “Shell's vot melt ka approach * we t as we f= * Certainly ** How 80 ** We shall ie a constant frost.” ** Are you sure ?”’ “Certain. I —, taken in a supply of Matinées, and a stock of Five-act “Good. But oe to raise the wind?” Searcely had the question been asked, when a frightful explosion check the (ner to ite toundotiaan The Doctor rushed to the gas- bag. It w . empty. He frowned. er hae eee aneiinn’ iis pipe; the (.1onel was turning over the pages of an old bra. He muttered to himself, “That ht to i it out. If 2 = the amount of non-compressible ble fald conmumed a given r in — by the substitution of eggs for ki herrings, many 7 tee-o0ne t will take to make a transpontine hurricane. Yes,” he went on, ‘ = “ya Yes, Sirree.” _ The rest <F And at these words the vast mass of water rose estically out of ocean, and fo off into the nebular hypothesis. But the Philoso- pher had vanished. Cuarrer III. Wuen the ex narrated in the place, the Philosopher a twelfth me . v; e precession equinoxes, equared paralle ellipsoidal bath-bun fresh from the lass cylinder of a refreshment bar, we find that we are now tra gina tual circle at a distance of one billion maxine gasmeters trom the I have now ae re ped = milk in the ye ® . ** But not,’ as he up through a con- cealed trap-door, ‘foe the hair ogg or tgp rhe : remains for another volume.” With that, he ane agong. The tocber 8 mage bw dhe into a thousand pieces. agers were each hurl violently down into their respective count where a savage public was waiting to devour them.

TOLSTOI ON TOBACCO. {Count Toxsror has been declaiming against Tobacco in The Contemporary Review, and this in no way exaggerates his views.) Torstor fuming, in a pet, Toxsto! asks us, when do boys Raves against the cigarette ; First essay Nicotian joys? Says it’s bad at any time, And he answers, quite aghast, Leads to every kind of crime ; When their innocence is past. And the man whosmokes, quothhe, Gamblers smoke, and then again Is as wicked as can be. Smoking ‘the insane.

Toxstor knew a man who said Toxsto1, when he writes this stuff, He cut off a woman’s head ; Letaiy: "s serious enough ; But, when half the deed was — earned his seers ; Lo, the murderer’s courage | eee ate he] jeers ; And he finished, "is no joke, | Rooving, Be t without the weed, Only by the aid of smoke, may be mad indeed

VOL. C, I

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—<—<$—___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 21, 1891. |

THE SERENADE: OR. OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (Latest Transatlantic Version, ) \ t \ \\ . RA VAY \\ \ A SAG 9 \y

eS ty , WY: Mey, GEE: WZ i (Ps / Z eat lily ¢ ? iD A Yj / Yj i Yj) y

“ Replying to Sir Joun Macponaxp's manifesto, |, . | She is sighing, and casting sheeps’ eyes at me, Mr. Mexcten eaid it was dicuoes to om that Unele Sam sy ies ge Reciprocity f Over the garden wall: reciprocity was veiled treason, and meant annexa- ay oy: Miss Cawapa muses ; look at her there! tion to the United States.” On, my love my gates can hear—and see, | My wooing and Butt’s she is bound to com- Over Times’ Montreal Correspondent. en wall ; pare,

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Le] Fesrvary 21, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 87 And she pretty soon will to join me prepare, PrOver the Garden’ Wall ! Chorus (pianissimo), Over the garden O sweetest girl of all Come aiens & Toteeoe ii kisses met, . e our in Over the Garden Wall | rave, Over the garden wall ; Over the M‘Kuvrey has riled he’s lost his head. ne Tariff is stiff, but if me you ’ll wed, | I'll give Reciprocity, darling, instead Over the Garden Wall! gtr ver the wall! MacpowaLp is bound to fall. ’Tis Mac against Mac, my Canadian Lye M‘ iy hy is aan yp es you bet] oin me, dear; we py ye join ver the Garden Well) > One day you’ll jump down on the other side, Over the garden wall ; There’s plenty of room, and my arms are Over the en wall: JoHNNY may jib, Sir - oOHN may kick, I have a a - I bet thom—alic So come like a darling an AT ne Over the Garden Wall Chorus (forte), Over the garden wall! Dollars, dear, rule us all. Patriot sentiment ’s , and yet Interest sways in A hee yon bet bet | Menrcrer’s right ; so Over the Garden Wall” Where -* sa will there’s ealeevs a way, Over the garden wall MacpowaLp’s a Boss, but he’s had his day, Over the ane en wall! Tariffs take money, but weddings are cheap, So wait till old Jommwy is snoring asleep, Then = him the slip, and to JONATHAN ~ on the Garden Wall! Chorus (fortissimo), Over the garden wall ! Your ** Grand Old Man” may squall, And swear Miss Cawapa’s loyal yet. But loyalty bows to Dollars—you bet! ’Tis time our lips in union met Over the Garden Wall! [Left twangling seductwely. QUEER QUERIES. Domestic Service.—My General Servant has just left me suddenly, on the ridiculous exouse that she was being ‘‘ killed by over- — — po not required to gh 5 4M, and she was generally in twelve, Oar house is not om though rather lofty, and there are only ‘ittoon in y. Of conses 1 shall act yay ber any and shall ; Hare Faro Orr, .—My hair is coming off, at Ce: bat im one grect circular patch at the top of the head. A malicious report has in consequence been hat wighbourhood that I have scalped! to adopt to (1) recover What course ought I lucers, and (2) recover tl do, ' ae pr hee , » Breas tose oe you bet ! Cee iid th Your father will stamp and your father will And like an old madman no doubt will behave, THE LIGHTS O”’ LONDON. “The first practical constructive step towards Samy be the ay of London by means of electricity, was taken yesterday (Feb. 3), when the Lonp Maro ition the first stone of the main junction-box for the e ectric conductors, at the top of Walbrook, ae the shadow of the western walls of the Mansion House.’’— Times. 7 " ‘hy ! \ Ros i | ELECTRIC +I oe or THE aa) LAX, rT | ee Pal Va 7 pes ie ’ AD ii : ty Ih DN i I Wing Ave Mi fh TN eta my Yer di nooks and slums, sombre and slim m Is oh wot ret, Prowidene AN ff Y | To kypeily = 9 ous eal Bill Sikes, ‘Watt, I Am BLOWED! IF THEY’RE GOIN’ TO "AVE THIS BEASTLY 'Lecrric LIGHT ALL OVER THE PLACE— Bait ‘the Town ’s chock - WOT’S TO BECOME OF HUS?” full of arco” and o glow Mr. William Sikes, Junior, loquitur :— | With yea am and me, Nix, it will play the WwW I ham blowed! I say, look’ 7a en 4 saeive oa: you We must turn’onest, Naw, and that’s no go! Old Gog and Magog is woke u mt ’Ang Relence! He lamps and old Charlies— —* praeey the oo. anor! en this yer ’Lectric t is fairly cast On every nook and corner, hole and en _ Westeod fort trade, vagy ange. ae ig Me oe London, you and —_% is cane, | to-rights. , ~1 eas ’ Ww, lg op at every street-end stan in’ aay, ppress . mad. Won’ tig = our game like lots o’ ’Lectric Ry =, ~y oar i Le Ah! am Poy well hout of it. Wot could The Lights don? Yah! That’s bi . all bok f ag With aoe on her bloomin’ fireworks Were ne lighted, how could you and me Their ea allest games the whole Garotte a swell, or give a tight ’un toko? Town through ? We ain't got arf « chance where coves| only ’ope, my Nax, is in the Noodles can see. Tis darkness plays our game, and we’ve ’ad There ’s “i some left in London 1’ll be plenty, Tolurka orib sneak ladies’ But this means mischief, or my name ain’t | +°‘U" arden migw en, BIL. Gites ’arder y; we're wa all Wy, not one pooty little plant in twenty Many a programme wot looks vastly pooty, poe orf if hght spiled pluck and Mocked ed by the mugs, leads on to wus and It’s beastly, Nan, that’s wot it is. Wy, But if they. do light up the dim, cramped, sooty Gog-ruled old Town—wwot’s to 6 0 seit Dit lighted streets is our best friends. hus? Mosr Aprrorrite.—The Bishop “5 ae has apgsinte’ Mr. T. Dispuw Chancellor of the Diocese of Durham. He alread lds the Chance ips of Exeter and Rochester. » > oo game all on the hig per “Tuomas Dispur” is the right man in the right place. damages against a et y hair f—levenn" Woot, Provers ‘Up to Dare.”—** Camm the shadows events cast their shadows before.” And let’s will be treedily dispelled

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88 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —_—_. [Fesravary 21, 1891,

HOW IT’S DONE. (A Handbook to Honesty.) No. VIIL—*SOLD AGAIN!” Scerzr—An Auction-room, breathing an air of solid, if somewhat Philistinish suburban comfort a r ty. Amidst a labyrinthine accumulation of house Surniture, a number of people are dispersed, many of them substantial- middle-class male and female *‘ buyers,” with lists and pencils, on the look-out for “* bargains,” a at of the ancient race, and an outer fringe o ae , lookers- on, The gentleman in the rostrum us a with a | bids.) Three-pounds! Three-five! (Thank you, Madam.) Three- |ten! Going at three-ten! Last time, ¢ ten! (To Pater- familias.) Are you ing to lose it, Sir? Worth double, I assure you! Ask your good | y —~. pecan (aside). Bid three-fifteen, Joun, but not a penny more Paterfamilias (weakly). Three-fifteen ! Auctioneer. Three-fifteen! Four! Going at four! Last time at four! All done, four! Going, going—gone! (Dr hammer.) Sold at four pounds, Sam! (Looks round.) Who bid four ? [Nor , a8 the last bid was imaginary, Sam (huskily), Gen’)’man as bid four jest sli hout, Sir. Auctioneer (tartly). Tat—tut—tut! Too really. Well, Sir, I} : “, o eternatural qui m “ : : rapidly rng mi oA ,. ht et cheat Set pas your bid. Sold to this Gentleman, Sam, at Three- dusty whiskers, vy, voces, A pleasant-faced Pater- Paterfamilias, highly pleased, pays deposit, and arranges to familias, and his ‘Good lady,” are discovered inepecting a t send for his Sovguisin the etnina As he and his © good solidly-busit, Srey pa of ~~ ye 3. —_ ” leave, a7 notice close by, three men with barrows, Paterfamilias (sotto voce). Just t you want, my as far as each bearing a blazingly red and strongly-smelling chest o I can see. What do you think ? , drawers. Matertamilias oe on the ef Materfamilias. I like the look of them much, Jomm. None of fest superiority of the article have purchased, to ‘‘ that your new, cheap, thinly-veneered, blown-together rubbish, smelling red rubbish.” Next morning they receive, instead of their ; own ** bargain,” one of t identical brand-new, badly-

| of shavings and French-polish. Solid ma’ogany, every bit; the drawers run as smoothly as could be wished, and—see! if there ain’t actually some sprigs of dry lavender still a laying in ’em! Paterfamilias (decidedly), Just so, my dear. f shall certainly bid for them. (Marks his c vigorously. Auctioneer (dropping his hammer smartly). Soldi Remove first-class feather-bed, Sam. Buyer o’ that has a bargain! (Nodding blandly to pleased pure % Really the prices at which things are going - ~ are ruinous! ’Owever, there’s no reserve, and the lucky public gets the pull. The next article, Ladies and Gents, No. 471, is a ve superior, well-made, fully-seasoned, solid ~~: ma’ogany chess of drawers. Chest o’ drawers, Sam! (To Paterfamilias.) Would you mind standing a inch or so aside, Sir? Thanks! There they are, Ladies and Gen —— Reo | to ee ation, — warranted to - it. An unu y excellent lot, fit for the sleeping-apartment of a prince, at a price within the means of a pork-batcher. (Laughter.) Oh, it’s righteous, Gents. No’umbug about me. There's quality, if you like. Well worth a ten-pun note. What shall I have the pleasure made, pucacenes, ae -veneered ** shop ’uns,” “ee ** blown ther’ the gross for such purposes. protest, Pe vainly, wont Standing their true assertion that the drawers they received contain “‘ fresh shavings” instead aay ** sprigs of yee ” they had observed in t they t At they had purchased, Paterfamilias, a week later, looking in at the Auction-room, sees what he could swear to be the very chest of drawers he had pur- chased being “ sold again” in a sii Sashion,

“MY PRETTY JANUS, 0H NEVER LOOK SO SHY!” Avevustus Devniotanvs is greater than ever. It is the peniten- tial season of Lent; some excellent ) ag renounce all worldly amusements ; others, not quite so excellent, and both lots thinking, it may be, no sm beer of themselves, we may term the first lot Treble Excellent and < ~ ae eellent—the division think that con- certs possibly, sacred concerts certainly, and certain other forms of mild and non-theatri- cal entertainments, are of a sufficiently severe character to constitute as it were, a form of discipline. Then there are the larger ne a t tion of those ** who,” as Mrs. Malaprop would say, ‘*‘ care for none of these things,’ like GaLILEo, my dear,” and who inquire, ‘*What is the state of the odds as long as we think we’re happy ?” and who would indulge in balls and theatres, and in every other form of saying for this very superior article? ‘Ow much for chest | of amusement, while Reel we . 8 R the me'emey chest ? irty shillings, | such pursuits ae ank you, Sir! Any advance on thirty shillings ? irty-five!|them, or seemed to r ‘ And six! Thirty-five-and-six for this Se desirable li lot ! afford them, any plea- Janus DRvRioLanus Worth five times the amount, Ladies, as you know! What do you think, Mum?’ [70 Materfamilias, who smiles vaguely, and looks at her husband. Paterfamilias. Two pounds! Feels he has made an impression. To the first sec- Sestion for Costume at another Masked Bali. tion, .¢., the ‘‘uneo guid,” Devrtozanvs has nothing to offer, not even a course of sermons by popular preachers; but to the two others he has much to say. For these, last Saturday, he commenced the Auctioneer, Two pounds! (Confidentially to \P.) Your good | first of his series of Lenten Oratorios at Covent Garden—it was the lady knows a good bit o’ stuff when she sees it, Sir! Two pounds | 14th of February, and this was his Valentine—and on the 17th, de, for the chest! Two pounds! Any advance on a couple o’ pounds? | the Tuesday afterwards, having made, so to speak, a clean nee All done at two pounds? Going at two pounds! CM, ing silence, | everything serious, out he comes with his Fancy Dress and ed wretends to hear another bid.) Two-pun-ten! Quite right, Sir! | Ball. Hkyah the Prophet, on Saturday, in the Covent Garden Calendar, nay mach to lose or 0: icle for a pound or two. ame to ened — the Par A a Se joing at two-pun-ten ! t time, two-pun ten! Going—going — t woul ound in the jasqué on Tuesday. “oe - doors should be the motto, ‘* Festina Lente,” the Paterfamilias (hastily), Two-fifteen ! Auctioneer \cheerily), Two-fifteen! (Taking other imaginary ”’ whereof translation must be, *‘ Keep it up in Lent.” Ave

Druriolanian Janus Drurielanus !

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Fesrvary 21, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 89

Wuat! when London friend,” do! It’s worth while, OLD TIMES REVIVED. is going off so well every night, | Still more horrible

ing! Tout est ld. Oddsfish, your Majesty, Cuantes Rex, Merry Monarch of the Cri, don’t remove it altogether, but let us have | this academical convive is the ‘* Baron de B.-W.!” it just once or twice a week during the season. CHAntxs, “‘ our| Baron de B.-W., being of sound mind and bod esent if but to at the end of the piece in that chair, z.u., as anything or anybody. Only—cut the tag and

Is this true question. Why does a man from the sight of passers-by ? d. THE ETHICS OF MATCH-BOXES. By Count Doutstor. (Intended for a Contemporary, but fownd to be too short.) matches—of safety matches, wooden matches less commonly, of fusees? Ask any man why he uses such and he will te Vedat patch Ly ty You will probably think so. his hand in he lights it in the street? To screen it from the wind, or toh , hef h H Why do ladies leave the dinner-table sae tad tk bet ber <a ae delightfully musical yefore the men begin to smoke? To avoid the smell of tobacco— Remy Fee adences, that haunt the memory ; which is well known to be aromatic

because the natural your fusee out of window w which must inevita' suggestive and immoral. To

striking of a match? Why, in light, or because others do it. quite up to| wondering, perhaps, how a “the Oxo- You must wait til J err y ;|deaden the conscience. But more of this anon. BLAKELEY Horrible! Do you think our lower orders would become disoon- tented, and strike, if they had not seen matches doing it first? Assurance isn’t i i it should altogether? Cuartes Wrwpnam| Finally, you strike a match that never struck that never ian't it a pity thet i —— as Dazzle is| offended you in any way. Is that j o eoun taal delightfully | nine cases out of ten, the law takes no of the offence. — “To get a light, or because others do it.”” Are you not convinced y? flashy, Faxean as|now that, when you use these words, you are not speaking the the old beau, | truth ? Sir Harcourt, IL, admirable.| [I po not think I ever met anybody who was quite as moral, or Miss Moore | quite as original,asI am. You ive a com charming, | works to each of your children, I might have M BEERE | effects of hese views fosmn 9 epeelil ause—ee own case. Had I done i L 2 - om re. bright and/so, I could have got it anything printed that I sparkling; | write. I pref to a sonne MANES eens bos vile B OURCHIER | you are when you use Ev i mt you are becomes a small faddist. ne next month, and then read my article on the im- nian” mark | morality of parting one’s hair with a comb. A common table-fork is of Tom and|the only pure thing with which one can part one’s hair. Combs

N\ \ see. Ado from the ‘taken off.” | not merely a goodly show of the Volumes sanenaliy lead ha piece itself is | list, the crowning point 7 Lest carelestly | the Baron himself was not pr

ty a —— | volume, which no admirer of true poetry sh you light it? Is it because yo" | the two verses by heart. But the Muse is do not care about being half-choked—a pal “ To get a light, or because others do it,” uestion. IL Some may not yet be convinced that the striking of matches is| repetition of the above ow ing is suggestive, upon him an awful and terrific popauly, which places him but there are some stupid persons in England. I will be patient | among the more popular creations of Dickensian us. Of what is with them, and give them more evidence. A wax match is called a vesta. Who was Vesta? But this is|reply, “it is @ propos of cookery el my om I cannot pursue this point i and remind you that everything must infallibly suggest its opposite. Aain, there are matches which strike only on the box. It distresses | at CHAPMAN AND mind know what I think about marriage, bay The Sree Deaees. It | book, like a dining . " e thing which has one in it—as, for instance, the date of WrLLIAM THE | in’ marriage; and yet we) season, and then—do not es of them ; try plea—or is it to| Is that true? Do not! a my of her pure music. So far Dickens didn’t give him a name, or this a propos? you will ask the Baron, ‘ a iodical which is | latter being those who are not above learn therein. ag quoth the Baron, ‘ onlyness,” of restriction, | work got up as simply and substantially as a

in the streets. your friend,

’¢ care for | readers remember the honest milk-maid’s retort come to the Curtain. | said he wouldn’t marry her? Good, Then, —y~ my | ** vou,” and ‘“‘he’’ for ‘‘she,” the Baron can adopt the maiden's ry After this, other reasons would be superfi ow came the reporter to fall into so great an error? Who mis- informed him? A worthy henchman, as indignant as was Sam Weller when he found his beloved master’s name trifled with, writes to ask me, ‘‘ Ain’t nobody to be whopped for takin’ this here I. aw , ae With - immortal a, pean A ay Waar is ; : replies, ** inly not. Not on any accoun nd, whatever that ts, Cho tame gopienotian of the pep Se pease mes sturdy henchman may murmur to himeelf, he at once obeys. ‘* Bring } things. | me my books!” cries the Baron, ‘' I am off to the review.” The Baron’s Deputy writes, that he has again been steeping himself in poetry, and reports as follows :—Jonica senenee S LLEN) is a little ail to a and good « Dolly OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. \. Spanker as| Whar is this the Baron reads in the D. 7. of Feb. 9, and in the \ you’d wish to} Daily Crags of the same date? Here is a ion of the extract . T.:—* The Monthly Meeting of that quaint Literary be | Society, ‘Ye Odd Volumes,’ at Limmer’s mate, leongn together ly: array of visitors,” and then follows the distinguished , reached when we come to the name a perfect gem,|of ‘‘The Baron de Boox-Worms of Punch,” and in the but the act-| Graphic the daring reporter goes a step farther, as, after giving the name of a certain honoured guest, he parenthetically explains that i . rreur! I, the y, hereby declare tiat And why? Well, do my the coxcomb who uous, ide i, | #uthor now calls himself W. Cony, but he was known by a different is Muse gener Bie » Deslthy. _ poe sl jold Volkslied. In spite of « carclosg confusion between * thou i -carri “vou,” I defy anybody to ** Heraclitus © y one aS aia age, do you hold) instance, without a sense of pleasure which compel him to learn 7 ee hen the Sin dak. Vietover ie das, she 0 : : | patriotic, too, when the occasion ‘ ,w ver she sings, she a aera. # y we A LR LD alluring eyes? | sings with genuine taste and feeling, Would that we might hope Deputy. that excentric character in David Copperfield trifle with the Read all my works. Do not get them pad ro pag f ; saa Ii who was represented as sitting in some sort of slop-sho rom a contemptible circulating library, but buy them. t fiercely, “0 my lights and liver! 0 ; but his constant exclamations has impressed in the classical dictionary, | sacred books of Cookery, and who can put in practice the ** let me recommend you to as me aLu’s for Hilda’s ‘ Where Is It’ o pes, & fines should be, of everyone, If you do not| with ‘ pages in waiting,’ quite blank, for your notes,—the i g ys ini table, i tely | Fro R tes I and there e. uently, any-| is, happy thought, a pencil in cover-side most handy for the pe The season of Lent is an excellent one for Conqueror—reminds me of marriage, and is, therefore, degrading. | cookery-books, because you can be studying for the dinner-giving Why, the very word “‘ match” forget the generall allow children sell whole y excellent advice of Tue Banon ve Boox~-Woums. set of my on the ill- Yet, in but an Daily . “*me” for The ally wears like some thou” and nameless, , wheezin ” I thin

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Fesrvary 21, 1891, ‘Tages wow, Ma. Moss! ‘Exactrty, Ma. Isaacs. Taere's A Picrore For YER! Wav, HE'S REGULAR ‘Oase is! Surr yer to a T,—ANpD pirt-cagar aT 4 Huwpaep-anp-Twenty Goings!’ Kwock orf THe Hunprep, AND HE’s MINE!” YE , / \ “ee. DOWNRIGHT BUILT FOR YER, THAT LITTLE ’ THE RIVAL “ JARVIES;” OR, THE IRISH JAUNTING CAR. Arn :—“ The Low-backed Car.” ** Honest John” sings :— Wuew first I knew Ca-n1-s S1-nzr, ’T was in a happier day, The Jaunting Car he drove in Went gaily all the way. Bat now the Car seems mf askew, Lop-wheel’d, and slack of spring ; Myself and Wit, in fear of a spill, ‘eel little disposed to sing, As we sit on the Jaunting Car, The drivers at open war, Seem little to care For a Grand Old Fare, As they fight for the Jaunting Car. Cu-nt-s St-zt at one rein, Sir, And J-st-» at the other, Give prospect small of pro In pummelling one er. As Honest Jomn my chance is gone Of helping ill-used Par, If the Union of Hearts in Shindy starts, And the Message of Peace falls flat. Witt and I on the Jaunting Car, With the couple of Jarvies at war, Are sad to our souls, Wherefore win at the polls lf we lose on the Jaunting Car ? In battle’s wild commotion, With proud and hostile Su-ru, O'er Land or Tithe, our hearts were blithe, Till P-2y-.x sapped our pith. But “‘ Mr. Fox's” lethal darts Make *‘ Union” all my eye ; Our ranks thin (whilst our enemies grin), As right left they fly. hough we cling to the Jaunting Car, We were better out of it, by far; Not the G. O. M.’s art Can those Jarvies part Who fight for the Jaunting Car. I rather like this Car, Sir, With Gui-pst-nz by my side ; Bat row galore is an awful . wo would-be whips collide. With J-st-» seated forninst us, To victory we might haste, (noise, But with squabbling bhoys, and’a deuce of a Our efforts are cut to — aed Car, Though we’re perched on the Jaunting Our purpose these men mar, ust W-11-m and I, With a tear and a sigh, Hold on to the Jaunting Car. Pag asour Picrvnes.—Messrs. J. , Voxrns, Great Portland Street, have an in- teresting loan collection of some of the Old Giants of the English Water-colour School on view. There may be found Tvrwer, Dz Wrst, Wuuus Hont, Hortsnp, Copier Fretpine, Srawrretp, Motreapy, J. D. Harpe, besides many others. How good A Bb TS TAT, as were painted. Their have ast faded, neither have their and er. they are THE HUNDRED-AND-TEN-TONNER! Waar is it, that, with labour skilled, Though taking fall three years to build, The place of better weapons filled ? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner ! What was it, though, that had to stoop, When fired, to putting on a hoop, Spite this, yet found its muzzle ‘* droop” ? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner ! And what, that matters made more hot, Sach curious ammunition got, It cost £400 a shot ? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner ! Yet, much to the tax-payer’s bliss, What, firing such a sum as thi At eighteen hundred yards would miss ? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner ! What is it, ae bane First Lord’s grace, That guns e and case At half the cost could well replace ? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner ! So, what no more upon the deep Should Jomw Bcxt floating useless keep, But quickly from his Navy sweep ? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner ! Proposep TUNNEL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND Inetayp.—An Irishman observed this would bridge over a lot of difficulties; he begged pardon, he meant it would Leth-bridge fon pictures, moreoy not likely to. And sosayallofus! And so says, Yours paragonically, Op Pan. over. *x-Ta-K ‘rf mes Aan r 2.7%3—1 ZTIMWVO.mM *MO BAIGC oo

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fersevanry 21, 189] THE RIVAL “JARVIES.” J. M-at-y. “* DRIVE ON, M‘CARTHY !—IT’S FOUR JOB!”

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Fesrvary 21, 1891 ‘] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HUNTING SKETCH. Tus Lost Suoz, on Late ror THE MEAT, CANDOUR IN COURT. [In Savell vy. the Duke of Westminster, Lord Beam, Dertes of the Rolls, said:—* It was the demands for interrogatories and discovery of docu- ments and commissions in cases of this simple nature which had made the practice of the Common Law so expensive, and caused the public to fly from Courts of Law as from a pestilence. This oppression must be put down.”’} ** How does it que Hexen, ME H That Solicitors laSeteh tor ine of bread ? That want of cases, as felt by the Bar, To cases of want has recently led ? Oh, how does it come, and why, and whence, That men shun the Law as a pestilence ? **Tt can’t be denied that the public tries To avoid an action by every means ; To a Court it with much reluctance hies, And to arbitration madly leans. In fact —I 5 ~ without offence— It shuns the Law as a pestilence. “Tis all the fault,” said this great Law Lord, ‘Of demands for fempection, and similar pleas ; Of expenses that neither side can afford, Commissions and interrogator-ces ; Till Pelion ’s piled on Ossa—and hence Men shun the Law as a pestilence. “* T call it oppression, and I’m a Judge! We must put it down, for the wrong ’s acute ; d then ne See wee grate, to get suited with a suit ; For Law, of common sense, never be shunned as a pestilence! "’ — seeing that they are istrionie efforts to many, howou of Council are te the tender nurselings h damage All this is, however, Undergraduate in the Or again, as here :— The Davpuun places his It was stated on the the chain-mail and eat he lent himself as of New Co! with conspicuous success. 0. U. D. 8. have acted a play of Saaxspzare is to say unishments known to oecasional excursion into the most influential members of the view any such departure from SHaxsreaRe with alarm, as caleulated to = bh iment will be repeeted. the experimen 7 I, and so say ‘all of us. But, after all, i whether those who can listen unharmed “y so, *‘ illegitimate” humour of Faulconbridge in King John e muc from even— though I make this particular from the performance of bridge from time to -_ ye to its patrons, y as we find it, and I must confess I found flourishing condition during the performance of King John. The audience is not an easy one to act to. Not that it errs on the side of over-criticism. Rather it is too pai i the actors. Here is a stray example culled from the Enter King Puttar, the Davruin, and attendant Knights, old Johnnie in chain armour and a rum’un? Let’s make him laugh. [They do, and the unfortunate Knight infects his fellow Knights at a moment when a specially stern deme 8 own son. At any rate, while Mr. Hewny that the nde pO | —— the dramatic verse of Browsine. A great Hebdomadal discipline and the morality of to their my & Long live legitimate drama, t aay be questioned to the b , and, if I may would SHEerpanN, or Lytrox, or Tom TaYror, or i ion with bated - such burlesques as the A. D. C. at Cam- e must take the O. U. D, 8. it in a very strong and way. friendly and familiar with Stalls :— Stalls (to his Neighbour). Halloal There’s helmet. Did you ever see such a anour is required. arm round the waist of the Lady Biaycu, and conducts her to the back of the stage Voice in the Dress Circle, Look out for the Proctor! [General laughter. But in spite of these and similar exuberances, the play went well from first to last, and the enthusiasm of the audience was unbounded. that Mr. Hewry Invine had lent i I have come to the conclusion and then went and pretended h Invine (stated to be King John, I could have sworn and Macbeth was walking the dreadfal = it is doubtfal if | and A stage. ice, gesture, and even mannerisms were there, toned Be ee eae aes ated canine] Serre erat Ve acct soma, bot malin al Tar Oxford Uni i i w ow and love grea congra’ i Shakopearian silen, Ps i To say that the/to the actor, whoever he was, on a casei studied ond rendering of his difficult part. Mr. Ataw Mackinnon and arranged the whole of the play, was vigorous and Ucivensity Calendar, to confine their| spirited as Foulconbridpe. Ho delivered his insults with | . 8 as ¢. He deliv immense the drama as BEAxsreane wrote it, with an| force and go The letter ‘‘r” " is not an easy one for him to pro- nounce, but he struggled manfully with this obstacle, and after a time I got perfectly accustomed to the bold tones in which he ordered Austria to “hang a calf-skin chround those chrechreant limbs.” King Philip’s legs were, perhaps, too much inclined to i dence, never quite seemed to have made up their minds w they would settle down, but when once they were fixed the King was every inch a King. Little Miss Manet Hoare made us all weep copiously as Arthur. I have kept Hubert to the last, in order to emphasise my opinion that Mr. Crank, of New College, who acted this tender-hearted Chamberlain, carried off the chief honours of the —y yr For consistent and restrained force, it would not have been easy to match Mr. Cranx’s impersonation. Lady Rapwnor’s band was delightful, in light-blue and pink bows. The fight in the Second Act was tremendous. Never have I seen such dreadful blows delivered with such immense vigour on any other stage. A yer polite French Knight who had taken part in the combat accorded me the honour of an interview afterwards. I congratulated him, and suggested that so realistic a battle must have been long and carefully rehearsed. “* Rehearsals!” he laughed ; ‘not a bit of it. We just lace into one another's heads as hard as we can lick.” For the benefit of Mr. D’Oriy Carre and other fight- ing mana I have given Sesceeiienn ween ge Oe we spoken, Thad most forgotten the ladies. There were three, Miss Frytcnx, Mrs. Cuantzs Sim, and Miss Dowson, and they were all good— ially Mrs. Sim as Constance. And so farewell, for the present, to the O, U. D. 8. and to Oxford. I may mention, by the way, that ony Bel as ex ve and wine as abundant as ever in the neighbourhood of the High. ‘aperto crede, Yours to a turn, A Vacant, A South-African Sentiment. (See Papers passim.) Tae Colossus of Rhodes as a marvel toss us ; To which we retort, our Ruopzs is a Co ! A Reapy-mape Mrirrany Caartarn.—" The Rey. the Dean of Battle.” Evidently of the Church militant.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 21, 1891. ot tae fh id lés ch bper Kaman” Ca i am ~ ORK SW ie 2 ' Gn Old Wramaw Ain ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. No. 1.—-THE G. O. M. VARIETY ENTERTAINER.

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Fesruary 21, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE L( INDON CHARIVARI.

THE PINK OF COURTESY, AND A TRUE BLUE, Last week a Cambridge Graduate, a Logue, not a Reverend Don, kindly coached the Oxford Eight. The t Duke of WELLINGTON, y instructing the how to defeat the English, would be an el. It is to be | that this sublime example devotion to aquatic sport will be fol- lowed in other walks of life. We may expect to learn from the daily pa how,— On Monday » Cabinet Council was held at Downing Street. Lord SaLzenony presided, and Mr. W. H. Suirx ing indi Mr. W. E. Guapston (at a moment’s indly consented to take his place. uesday General Caprivi went on leave, te pipes as confidential adviser te the Emperor of Germany being supplied during his by Prince Von Bismancx. Czar of Russta, wishing to take a short holiday in Denmark, has arranged that his shall be supplied by Prince ALEXANDER, once of berg, and late of Bulgaria. pn agg BL. to ¥ 3 ay oy , Majesty is li some as guest o oud leading Nihilists. Oa Wednesday President Cannor paid a long visit to General BouLaNegR, with a view to submitting to that eminent statesman a scheme for the reorganisation of the French a» Oo Thursday the King of Iraty, having arranged to accompany Signor CrisPi in a yachting cruise to South America, the Porg took up his residence at the Quirinal, and presided at a National Council. Later in the day his Holiness reviewed the Roman garrison. On Friday Mr. O’Brrgw gave a numerously attended “at home” in his new pri Am those present were Mr. Girapstong, Lord Satispory, Mr. PaRrweE ce. Mr. McCanruy, and Mr. Trx Heaty, | It is understood that the result of this amicable meeting will be found in a spirit of reciprocity exhibited in the anti-Parnellites writing Mr, PanwELt’s manifestoes for the Parnellites, and vice versa, ‘

Query BY Iowonamus.—From the Times’ ‘‘ Court Cir- cular,” Feb. 11:—** The following Ladies and Gentlemen had the honour of receiving invitations, and being re- ceived by Hen Masesty afterwards in the Drawing Room.” Well, Sir (writes our Correspondent) and where are they usually received ? In the kitehen? The report doesn’t mention whether it was the front or back Drawing Room. I

“a y Wiki dees INCONVENIENCE OF MODERN MALE First Stranger, '‘ Hene—H1 ! Second Stranger, ‘‘ CoN-¥oUND YOU—#80 DO 4B f ©. fil -o-~ ” - AN ca ae i * Whos ; | Bb. t; si 4 iil: THE ‘i Sahn ii | ' ATTIRE. I want A Knives anv Fork, riease!” na”

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, February 9.— The Attorwrr- GeneRaL, with copy of Ordersin his hand, casts reproachfal, almost angry, glance on harmless Howorrts ; that great diplomatist just dropped in from i ; been to see the Marxres, and give him latest instructions as to conduct of public affairs, more especially with respect to Behring Sea, the Northampton Elec- tion, the Newton ised Fisheries difficulty, and Assisted Education. A little fatigued with his exertions; doesn’t observe W EBSsTER’s woful regard. “Tf it hadn’t been for him,” Atrorwry-Gen- ERAL mutters, still glaring on elect of Salford, shouldn’t have to be down here now, answering these sort of questions.” No doubt Howorrs was, though undesi y; originator of the business. Saw in incident of aio <a an epuning for wiatulsing effect. Wrapped purpose up in form of question addressed to ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Question in subtly diplomatic form insinuated against Fcr- Nzss charge of breach of Corrupt Practice Act. ATTORNEY-GENERAL, ing that Howorrts is the man who puils the strings of statecraft, not only in Salford and London, but in Berlin and | give battle to Batrour in the matter of reached to-day when caustic Causton comes forward with request for gratuitous opinion on case submitted, involving difficult ques- tion of eligibility of Catholics for seat on Woolsack. Svummens, who, depressed by Irish domestic difficulty, hasn’t put a question for three weeks, goaded into ae £ puts down another on same subject. Mr. ATTORNEY “~ < y declines to answer either. Opposition yell with derisive cheers. Mr. Atronwzy a man of equable temper, but this too much for him. Must find object of attack somewhere. Waited till Howonrrn had said adieu to five ladies whom he had been showing round the | House. ** Look here, Howonra,” said Mr. Arrornery, his amiable | visage clouded with unwonted wrath, ‘‘ you content yourself with looking after the Manxiss, and keeping him straight, but don't you come round me any more with your confoundedly clever questions,” . Business done,—Tithe Bill still on Report stage. Tuesday.—Met Joun Mortey in corridor just now walking along with long stride and troubled countenance, ‘* What’s the matter /” Iasked. ‘Is the French Revolution still troubling you, or are you in fresh difficulties On Compromise ?”’ **No, dear Tony,” he said; “like Mantua, I am troubled with none of these things. The fact is, I am pining for opportunity to his Government of Ireland. You remember I tabled notice of a Motion on the matter as soon as the House met in November. Then I was so anxious, so absorbed in the subject, that I forgot all about it till Brer Fox and Brer

= etersburg, did net ventane te decline to hswer; gravely is ppo- sition laughed rit ; saw their opening, and have since diligently filled it. Searcely day passed since that questions on h ical addressed to ATroRWEY-GENERAL, have not ap- moulded on oozed on Orders. As they are Caustic Causton. |reminded Orp Moratiry of my prior claim; had it RaBBir @ ed on the scene, and bid against each other for pre- cedence, Thesenpen I pulled my Resolution out of pi - : i mitted, and day fixed. Should have come on last Monday, you know. Tithes Bill in hand all last week ; everybody tired of it ; — there’s really nothing in it; Opposition ring out; suddenly, m Motion having been put down for Monday, interest in Tithes Bill swells ; absorbi Couldn’t ly finish ureday ; ouse was Cou

oworTH’s, which he answered fully, even genially, difficult to refuse reply. But there must be a limit to this kind of thing ; everyone so urgent to continue debate that nted Out on Friday; yesterday was appropriated for further debate on

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96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —_—__ [Fesrvary 21, 189], Report stage; Thursday next is taken for Third Reading, and I’m t off till Monday.” . - pes And who arranged all this?” I asked, with unfeigned sympathy. “Well, it was our fellows, you know, with assistance of Irish Members. We are all so anxious to have it out with Prince Anruur that we made it impossible for debate on his iniquities to come on this week. Tox Hear lg — interest , loped_ personal = him, Berlously rege Bill, but very touching. ** Like evening bells,” I said to the Member for Sark. ** More like a barrel-organ,” he responded, oratorical manner of a street- er, and that a thirsty porter has held to his lips a ekilfully-drawn glass of his own four-half Li y froth; only, after all, there’s something under the froth in giass of A. 7. Hirsute Hints for Lord Randolph ; or, the Art of Political Make-up, ‘Hat's Hextra,’ and there’s nothing beneath the sound of Haxu's ambitious common- things ; in particularly disagreeable Sazx often says nast seems mood to-day. . Keven fell foul'of the inoflentive Member for’ Coowe. Watrer McLanzen, whilst declaring himself strongly in favour of Bill, wanted to throw it out because it didn’t provide opportunity for women to marry their deceased husband’s brother. ** McLaren,” snarled Sark, ‘is one of those typical Radicals who have no toleration. He’s the sort of man who would bite off his nose to spite his face. Quiet, gentle, almost feminine, in his manner, he would think nothing of boiling you and me in molten lead if we didn’t cross our t’s exactly at the height he is accustomed to do, or dotted our i’s at an angle which did not conform with his views. ,, Soratch a Radical, Tony my boy, and youw’ll find the I'll take care to do no such thing. Business done.— Deceased Wife's Sister Bill read Second Time by 202 Votes against 155. Thursday.— After long period of anxiety, House to-night reassured, Gepex, who hasn't been seen since he disa after obstructing h Committee of Tithes Bill, turned up again. : by House; looked for signs of privation, but no falling off visible, whether in ann contour or volume of voice, Tithes Bill during his absence has e through Committee and Report stage. Now awaiting Third ing. GEDGE to continue his speech interrupted by stroke of Midnight, when House in Committee. Fixed himself obligingly behind and Hicxs- Bracu, so that they should miss nothing of his counsel, and started off. Instantly arose stormy cries for Division. Grzper, wherever he has been, seems to have been well-fed, and kept generally in good fettle. Cheerfully accepted challenge to vocal contest. Every time he commenced sentence the boisterous chorus, “*’vide! ’vide! ’vide!” rang though House. Opposition, who didn’t want Bill, started it; Minlsterialis ists, anxious to see Bill pass, took it up; a roaring, excited crowd; amid them Gener, eat, Se. with mouth wide open, shouting in the ear of the pl CHaNce.tor of the Excuzquer. Business done.—Tithes Bill read Third Time by 250 Votes against 161. Friday.—The United Services come nobly to the front to-day, all about Nelson’s Pillar in Sackville Street, Dublin. However it may be at West- minster, Irish Members can’t abear obstruction at home; brought in Bill to remove Monument lower down street ; long debate; towards close Admiral Fretp suddenly hove in sight; bore down on enemy. ** As humble naval officer,” he roared. as through a speaking - trum ee I protest against addressing our immortal naval hero in the words of the Poet, saying unto him, ‘Friend, go down ower ,” General Fraser, V.C., sitting next to Admiral on Front Bench below the Gangway ; bosom swelled with generous emulation; Navy attacked; duty of Army to come to its assistance. General doesn’t often opeek ; appearances as public orator chiefly confined to re- sponding to patriotic toast at dinners. This led him a little astray. Drawing himself » dy full height, setting hands on hips, he began, in deep bass Voice, ** In rising to respond to this toast-——’ Then, remembering where he was, he executed strategic retreat, and addressed himself to SPEAKER. Spectacle of the two veterans defend- ing memory of Netsow deeply touched House. Nevertheless, Bill carried. Business done.—Counted Out at Half-past Seven. In Mowtacu Wrt1ams’ Later Leaves there is a small error, but of importance to the historian of the English Stage, which can be corrected in the next edition: — Mr. Keener never played Bod Nettles, and there is no such character in Tom TayLor’s Our Clerks. Bob Nettles is one of the Cp characters in To Parents and Guardians, and it was played by Mrs. Keeter, her husband playing Waddilore. ye play-goers will remember both pieces ; in the latter, no one will forget ALFRED Wiean as the French Tutor. Crvm Service Nore.—The Directors of the Covent Garden Opers Company present their compliments to the C. 8. Examiners, trust that they will reconsider their determina‘ Ssh: y to give every y uring x Office now open. To this ¢} NOTICE.—XRejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, Addressed Envelope, iB nO case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and excepucn there will be no Cover, or Wrapper.

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= SR! se hea SE SEASF S Pag

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesevary 21, 1891.

the Real “Cup o’ Kindness.” Perfect Biending of ee es Ds Highest Classes of their Native Parity, as produced in Twelve Yoars Old, 60s. per dos. 458. 5 5 ” 4 of. ” ui cons! The Proprietors are skilled Scotch Whiskies ; te appreciation by Connoimeurs, t at they will p — “pula, Sam tle, r } | ; ‘ > 4 f — ‘ 4 FRY’S PURE GONGENTRATED SOLUBLE

COCOA “1 cotibider it very rich, delicious Cocos.”—W. H.R. STANLEY, &.D.

Sir CHAS. CAMERON, M.D., sayeie’ An Ex ESTAB NEAY E:’ Ss" Dr. BARTLETT, Ph.D., F.C.8., om t SHED admirably adapted to the wan of infants” 2. Tor INFANTS, INVALIDS, and THE AGED. Bone- forming constituents are far above the ‘average of th the best Cer bits Soe mus Poe

DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS suiTs ULSTERS. 26, CONDUIT ST., W. For PLEASURE and PROFIT. FRUIT Nothing so Profitable and Easy to Grow. 74 ACRES IN STOCK. fee bees eg for Simple Inetructions and Trees to suit ali Soils. ROSES 20 ACRES BUSHES, 8s. per doz.; 60s. per 100 Standards, 2is. per doz. ; 140s. per 100. (Our selection). Packing and Carriage Free for Cash with order. KOSEtS IN POTS, from 15+. per doz, ORNAMENTAL TREES 91 ACRES. FOUR ACRES OF GLASS.

CLEMATIS (80,000), 12%. 16s., and 24s. per doz SEEDS AND BULBS—Verorraste, Fiowen, anv Fann. Descriptive Lists Free. RICHARD SMITH & CO., Worcester. BARGAINS! GREAT Repuction IN Prices Until the end of February. PATTERNS and SALE PRICES, showing the enor- mous advantages, post free on approval. ALL NEW | DRESS Goops The Best Bargains will be secured by the First Comers. Write at once to HENRY PEASE & Co.'s Successors, Spinners and Manufacturers, THE MILLS, DARLINGTON. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. jd lovely ananee imparted to Hair ot any eo! -— 2 : mEINE, hold oni Ye by 472, Ox Avid londeR. Price 5s. 64 als. For tinting grey or faded ale Raine is invalua MADE WITH BOILING WATER. EPPS’S % CRATEFUL—COMFORTING, COCOA MADE WITH BOLLING MILE,

| | a. Send fall Name and THE DEAF MAY HEAR. A per-ons suffering from Defective Hearing ere in- vied to call and test, Pare «vr Cuancs,a New Invent on for the Relief of Deatness at the Rooms of the AUhornons Co,, between the hours of Wam andér.u. A qualified medical man always ia aitendance rite for Pam- phiet, Pree by Post THE AUROPHONE COO, 39, Baxnen Sracet, Loxpon, W. KORO. THE NEW APERIENT TABLETS. Very pleasant te take. A delicious sweetmeat. Useful for constipation, indigestion, defle'ent secretion of bile and intestinai mucus, hamer- rholds, internal congestions, and many of the disoriers of the prima via | are eaten a & confection, are immediately »beor + acd thus the effect i. sure. 2. 6d. per box. Newssty & Sons, King Ed ward *t. eet, London. FLOR oe DINDICUL. The new MEDIUM MILD A Most delightful weed, full of at hie ar conn eat delicate flavour. Conndisseurs pounce them better than Havannehs. Everyone should oa these resiiy excellent cigars. Prices 2/s. and 20s. per 100 (post free), Samples four for 1+. (4 stamp —BEWLAY & Ov. Limited), 49 and 74, *tran W.C., and M3, Cheapsic BA Tobseconists te the Koys! Family Established ¢ over 10) \ ears. Letters to the Head Depot, 49, Strand LESS LABOUR

GREAT r COMFORT UNLIGHT SOAP monTHLY COMPETITIONS. PRIZES “xr £6,000. over There is no element of chance in these Com - tious, the wioning of a Prize pednrergey 4 catirely on the perseverance and troubie ta WRAPPERS COMPETITION. Por Girls and Boys \6 last Birthday and under, each month — 0 ee ee ‘altham Wa! value £4 For Competitors who collect and seni in qe number (for their reepective ages) of that portion the “ Burtient” Boap «re Ts comm~' cing “Now for the Senticemt Way of Wa CARD BOX COMPETITION. to all aged 17 last yoy and upwards, each month —60 Silver Keyless Lover Watches, value £24 4. eng tors sending large i number of Rox tops fete the word “ Senctaur,” gether with the Nemes and addreases of House- | holders wo bo pee wee * ‘Senteout’’ Soar. One Card sent in — Yor Com

on Postcard xcs., ” poRT suUnN- Rules to Ligh?, pear BI JEWSBURY & BROWN'S eTeothe |

Jewabity Paste. onowe. Table 1S YS Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. SEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF HOTH BED AND BROWN LABELS EDWARD PARRIS:

s by contract transferred the manufacture of his Syrup te Serine & Foxe, The Public are cauti that « sumber of taGiter imitations (erin in composition, are sot Parrish’s. To obtain the original poonevaiian sold for the last © years by Seciase & Sons, purchasers shoud ask for SQUIRE'S CHEMICAL =~. FOOD 2/-, 3/6, and 6/-. FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. Or Aounts, on sr Pancet Poor Pace Dikect raou SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, 43, OXFORD STREET, LONDO? HOP, TEA A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, prepared under Swritise’s Patents Improves the flivour of tea, saviets digestion, soothes yet refreshes, SOLD retail by ali Giocers. THK HOP TVA CO., Lia., ST. GEORGR'S HOUSE, RASTCH EAP. 4. 6, and 1 Ib. samples, with testimonials, &c., will be sent on receipt of F.0.0. N.B.— Wholesale only therefore no recond samp'e will be sent “FOR THE BLOOD I8 THE LIFE.” GLARKE’S WORLD-FAM«D BLOOD MIXTURE wt chugs erag. or beretu = ties mwnsrerss eae on r Ly and Bleed

2/-

prietors, Lincoln and Midiand Counties Dr WTiesse, Bewasse or Wonrutene Teevagtene,

WRIGHT S sia “COAL: TAR: ~ SOAP

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i it tt tit PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Feprvarr 21, 1891. INF ANTS ae ed a TOT OP aT TT OGM OO I RR a a a a a = BENGER 5 FOOD= i ii i ll hi i i hi Ni Ni lil i Nil li tie i ll i ih lilt ~wrTrTTTTrTr rrr ~ “errr alll a ll lil hl i i ll ltl -— HIGHEST AWARDS EVERYWHERE. “W LONDON, PARIS, MELBOURNE, PHILADELPHIA, SANTIAGO, BOSTON, SYDNEY, ADELAIDE, EDINBURGH, &c. je Is bought to-day by ewerybody, and has main- tained its reputation as the best of all Toilet Soaps for more than One Hundred Years. EARS’ SOAP represents a Century’s Experience of the most successful achievements in the Art and Craft of Fine Soap Making. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. PIANOFORTE MAKERS TO H.R.H. THE PRINCESS OF WALES. Ftinsmead Oianos “THE PERFECTION OF TOUCH AND TONE” Lists Free, and of the principal Music Sellers throughout the World. ex JOHN BRINSMEAD & SONS, 18, 20, and 22, — Street, Ss i i i li i i i Ni hi i Ni hi i Ni Ni i hh hh Nh hh hh hl ln a i i ti hh hi i hi lili tli ttt he te i wi ee bb bie iid FUT T FF FTI IT TTT ITT TTT TT TTT TTT T TTC T SSCS SSS T SST SS SSS SSIS SST Ts ~ CADBURY'S 2444 jCOCOASABSOLUTELY PURE, tmnerot BEST a a Te i RE NE egg Rood, Wojleway, in the Pariah Pabicned by bie ft Ma. te, Viset Berest, of Misdieers, at the Printing OSes of Mons. Beodbary, pamen, # one

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a. FOR FARTS, LOREX, &

> c w > . ie} w z a =] oe) =] a

Number 5 SOCIETY PICTURES | "°° . td NOW READY From “PUNCH.” Cloth, Gilt Edges, One Shilling. By GEORGE DU MAURIER.

W/ N* 2590. my 6 VOLUME ONE HUNDRED _~— FEBRUARY 28, 1891, ae ek aa aT ine Ss") rk ig 4 ii py : x Kee i) el a

PUNCH money 85, Seas STREET, AND SOLD BY All BOOKSELLERS.

ABSOLUTELY Cad 4 rys ; Coal ra

“SONZd SBIWHL Z0I1Nd

Meginvered at the Genera: Post Uthes as a Newspayer.,

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NOVEL READING. “| have read all Walter Scott's Novels at least fifty times.” tora Byron. HOW PUELISHING [NX MONTHLY VOLUMES NEW POPULAR EDITION THE WAVERLEY NOVELS. Br SIR WALTER SCOTT, Bazt. Copyrigtt._) | Witk INTRop TORY VIONETTER AND SPECIAL GLOSSARIES Price Sixpence each. SS eee a & C. BLACK of Som sq 7 od | d4invorgh HOME CURE FOR DEAFNESS. A beck, by « noted Aare Surgeon deseribing @ *yetem of | fering | eafnees and » oives im the Heat Wrehweet. wri means, 't © first-rate aod bas been of the crecer eenrics to me.” Post Pree 4 DE VERE & ©O., Publishers, @,. Werwick Lane, oédon. & “Ft \ ____ aaenes & iragranes. ' 'SWEET SCENTS LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM LONDON LIFE ASSOCIATION. a mare | S08. ASsvLANce FORD, POUR MILLIONS. MUTUAL ASSUMANCE AT LEAST COST. No. 81, King William Street, E.C. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY, ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, ‘7 Millions Stg, FOR PROTECTION LNINLSIANI ? EDINBURGE. 5 George Bt (Head Office) LON DOS, 83 King W Giiam Street, B.C o 8 Pall Mall East, 5 w. DUBLIN, 68 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies om Imdia & the Colonies PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C CHARIVARI —Fesrvarr 28, 1891. IVAN HOUTEN’S| cusce UOCOA SOLUBLE BEST & GOES FARTHEST. "@, afore Hse Colo! clvayt wow for a = ol esses The Beard Cti¥tedueeJd "Tan Monten, Cocca” a 7 STREETER & COMP.’S SPECIALITIES. DIAMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, an RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and D!AMONDS~ of all colours. STREETER & COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St., London. £2 an BUMBLE (OLIVER rwist) ‘OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICy: FIRST-CLASS MOTELS IN THE Eivgpee LONDON, Ene” FINEST SITUATION EVERY LUXURY uy COMFORT MOST RECHERCHE CUISINE. VERY MODERsTe eee CRLLET LY, CALLARD & BOWSER’ BUTTER-SCOTCH. | / MAPPIN & WEBB’ TABLE KNIVES. “JOHANNIS' KING OF TABLE WATER! CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL CA Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, as Indigestfon. Mixes equally well with Wins, Spirits, or Milk. ; Not medicinal, but an agreeabie bh: aita-prom cay beverage. SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS BOTH AND KESTAURANTS Sample Cases sf 5) pints, 18/6, including be JOHANNIS SPRINGS. Lti, | ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. Wotrsace Sroars— | 28a, WHARF ROAD, CITY ROAD, LON HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. | Daily yield $07,600 at © temperatare of FLOR DE DINDIGUL. Baths founde. a! Rath by the Romans in the First Se a ee . The waters are well known as beine most | A most deiightful weed, full a oma and in enses of Kheumatiom. Gout, and Skin | delicate Say vour r P hewn Afiections. The Co: poration of Kath have recently | Detter tha a hs. a ery: ne should sam-le enlarged and perfected the Kaths at creat expense. | these realiy : et . lees Zils. and 20s In the words of one of the greatest Hygienic | per 10° (post free). Samples foer for 1: M4 stamp-). Pbyecians, Tas Bares 4.58 res morr couriers ce | —BEWLAY & OF Lmnitod) 49 and 74, Strand, Eenorae. Band Deliy in the Pamp-Koom. Letters | WC, and M3, Chea psia c Fobaccentate to te the Manager wil) reeeive attention and every adr | Peasy Es faked « wer ee pease, information. Lets the weet be pit tra LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. ‘The Original aad @ ara For oe oRAVIES, SALADS, SOUPS, GAME, ee FISH, WELSH RAREBITS, &c., &c. Le Bignsiu ¢ is vn «very Bottic of the Gename an) Origa. , i, A = 4 ’ CAMEL FOUNTAIN PENS A Whele Letter with Oze Dir. for all my drawings on p* per or #4 ond yan Casmet’ pens are the best i« oar headed —Lister Saupovars. In One Shilling Boxes. Of all Stationers © CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT_.ALL.. EXHIBITIONS. Darcy Gonsumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. ORMISTON &GLASS,17, St. BrideSt.,£ ROWLAND’ MACASSAR on being not too greasy or drying ; spec ally suited for Ladies’ and Childres’s Hair; ey eee Se. 6d.; Fs.; ie. &. ODONTO "i=: Brevents Decay, Sweetens the Breath. Seld everywhet

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Feervarr 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH’S SCAMP-ALBUM. No. I..—Twe Lrrerary “* Guosr.” epee dak = Coe 0 argumen you, er, are an innocent - minded elderly lady. and a regular subscriber to the Local Circulating Library. You are sitting by your com- fortable fireside, knitting a ‘ ‘ for a Bazaar, when your little maid announces a gentleman, who says he has not a card- case with him, but requests Ogee ae see him. : “You are sure he is a gentleman, Many Ann?” you will inquire, with a slight i as to the um- is gen ’ says Many Ayn— “* with a respirator.” this testi- Mary Aww has not deceived you—he has a i spectacles, and a red nose. He i ith fluent intruding upon you without the i and takes a chair, after which sheds a pair of immense woollen bundle of papas over 4" perusing them, they prove whose names are, more or less, are more a merit, for they regret politely that the writer is oS oan ae employment for his correspondent. ile you are ing them, —_ — pays assiduous court to your cat—which impresses you vourably. « Poasibl , Madam,” he suggests, ‘“‘ you may be personally ac- quaintel ahiaee of those gentlemen?” When you confess that you have not that honour, he seems more at his ease. “T asked,” he says, ‘* because I have long heard of you as a Lady of great taste and judgment in li matters—which, after seeing you, I can the more readily ns ; _ It is a fact that several of your nieces and female neighbours are in the habit of declaring that they would rather take your opinion on a novel than that of all the critics ; still, you had not expected your fame to have s so wide. “T hed am motive,’”’ he confesses, ‘‘ because, if you were inti- mate with any of these authors, I should naturally ’esitate to say anything which might have the effect of altering a. of them. As it is, I cam speak with perfect freedom in the strictest confidence. You see before you, M an unfortanate bean, whom circumstances have ’itherto debarred ever reaping the fruit of his own brine! Well may you remark, ‘ Your Gracious Goodness’”’—(your natural astonishment having escaped you in the shape of this invocation) —“* for in —-? i e ining ’ope. was en r age with a fertile and versatile imagination, and creative powers which, without vanity, 1 may say, were of a rather superior class. The one thing I lacked was inflooence, and in the world of letters, : , a8 I am sure you do not need to be informed, without inflooence Genius is denied a suitable opening. At several literary Clabs in the West End I made the acquaintance of the authors whose letters you have just had the opportunity of reading—men who have since attained to the topmost pinnacle of Fame. At that time they were com ively o ; they eard my conversation, they realised that I ’ad ideers, of which they knew the value better, ps, than I did myself. I used to see them taking down notes on their and that, but I took no notice of it at the time. Eubeliy jon have read the celebrated work of fiction by Mr. Gasu- LEIGH WALKER, entitled, King Cole’s Cellars? I thought so. I ed him the ‘plot, scenery and characters complete, for that story. and in your gracious- dowed an early it me now the bok that cross-over” | took for word, from my It was out of my’ands! I that it would be so . coal lenin tetae ae ™m. credit it that I could name moment where pieces are running ’ed! But it’s no use my sayi now I’ve ’elped all these me—they can go alone—or thi —not a word about owing anythi order for threo-and-aix: bat * But surely,” dea o — as it ress—and my case before the gain the ear of the wada The Press is ve “ Slow rises worth by poverty depressed.” seals his lips again with the*respirator, pockets his documents and your donation, and bows himeelf pees out, ~~ | you to meditate on the unscrupulourness Ce oe Authors, the ease with which a confiding public is hoodwinked. M. P. Manfield, M.P. NorrsamMpton’s new Member an honour can claim He now has M.P. written after his name, But he always had M.P. before. If every M.P. in the lobby counts one, To the Ayes, or the Noes, walking Does logie in each case, pro and con., M. P. Mawvrecp, M.P., should count two ? Caance vor Sprserens oy aw Uncertain Acr.—There is to be a Mahommedan Mission in

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ee [Fesrvary 28, 1891, en ———— Comin See So ony “ Wee, “THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER.” BRAVO, BAGSHAWE! QUEER QUERIES. A Lany of Bedford, despotic and rash, Esctise History.—I have been reading several books on this Tried to force her poor groom to shave off his moustache. subject, and am rather puzzled. Are the ——- people, as existing Judge Bacsuawe the wise, made her pay yy ~ now, Teutons, or Danes, or Celts, or what? Can we be Teutons This makes one inclined to sing, ‘* J know a lg when the aborigines of these islands were not Teutonic? I feel that Where Bacsnawe + 5 bring common-sense, for a change ; my own genius—and I have a lot—is Celtic; at the same time | They're worse than ia i Grange, have always prided myself on my Norman blood; yet from my These B Bashaws with three tails, who must clip liking for the sea, which never makes me sick, at least at Herne Nature's health-giving gift from a clerk's chin or lip. Bay, I fancy I must be descended from a Scandinavian Viking. Bah! What are they t for, these stupid old rules? | What is the ethnological name given to a m who isan amalga- To be shaped by rich tyrants, obeyed by poor fools ! | mation of such heterogeneous elements —LyQuiRER.

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Fesrvary 26, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 99 THE BRUM AND THE OOLOCIST. (Mr. W. Jamas asked the Lorp “a Apvocatr whether bis attenticn had been called to a circular, issued from Birmingham by the Naturalists’ Pub- lishing Company, inviting applica- tions for shares in “An Expedition to the land of the Great Auk,” meaning the 8 Isles, and stating that, “if the season is a pretty fair one, @ haul of at least twenty thousand eggs’’ of rare sea- birds might be expected.—Daily Paper.) Tue “ Brum” and the Oologist Were walking hand in hand ; They grinned to see so many birds On cliff, and rock, and sand. “ If we could only get their eggs,” Said they, ‘* it would be grand.” “If we should start a Company To gather eggs all day, ‘ Do you suppose,” the former said, ‘That we could make it pay?” “We might,” said the t, “On the promoting lay!’ “Then you’ve a tongue, and I a ship, Likewise some roomy kegs ; And you might lead the birds a dance Upon their ugly legs ; And, when pene got them out of aif a I’1l steal their blooming eggs.” “Oh, Sea-birds,” said the Mid- land man, ** Let’s take a pleasant walk ! Perhaps among you we may The pAewe wa Bf tecb-matey =. 8 : And you might possibly enj nee The skuas and the cormorants, And all the puffin clan, The 4 petrels, gulls, and erns, They hopped, and skipped, and ran With very injudicious speed To join that oily man. “The time has come,” remarked the Brum, | g without tears’ ** For * talkin Of birds unhappily extinct, Yet known in former years And how much cash an egg will fetch In Naturalistic spheres.’ “But not our !” replied the birds, ttle hot. Feeling a li “You surely would not rob our nests After this pleasant trot?” The Midland man said “ We've had a lot of fan Next year, perhaps, these Shetland birds We'll visit—with a gun ; When—as we ’ve taken all their eggs— There ’ll probably be none! ” Queer Queries. . Divorce Facrirrres,—I should like to be informed in what part of the United States | jays it is that a Divorce is nothing but ,— ** I guess he’s cleared the lot!” “Well!” said that bland Oologist, TOUCHING CONFIDENCE Gentleman of Engaging Manners, ‘‘ BLess YOUR 'EZART, YOU'LL BE Let ME KERRY THE LITTLE Bao HALL RIGHT ALONG 0’ ME, Mum! yor you, Mum!!” A CANADIAN CALENDAR. (To be hoped not Prophetic.) tween the Dominion 1893. Emigration ceases between the Do- minion and the Mother Country, and trade dies out. 1894, Return from Canada of families of | the best blood to England and France. 1895. Great increase of the Savage Indian | Tribes in the country, and the Improvident IN THE FOG. Withou' 1892. Reciprocity firmly established be-| inion and the U.S.A. | Irish Population in the towns of the Dominion. 1896. Practical suspension of trade be- | tween the Dominion and the U.S.A., the! latter having now attained the desired object of shutting out goods of British manufacture from the American mar PF 1897. England refuses to assist Canada in resenting Yankee encroachment in the seal fisheries. Canada asks to be annexed to the 1898, 1899. After some hesitation Uncle ‘Sam consents to absorb the Dominion. " P 1900, Canada becomes a tenth-rate Yankee tate. = THE DICTUM OF DIOGENES. “* Owe Man, One Vote!” If you with each One Vote can find—One MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. GOSCHEN. eri —+ * ~ Apmandheadimemaas In view of recent sad events, Oh! give them back to me. Oh! Goscuxy, Sir, kind gentle- Po y ; Restore this trio, if My ipeume ence wes cafe, if emall t’s larger, but an Despite ** the quite it of Trade.” The ** Bogus Man ” is on the track, And queer “ Financial Gents” Have me in white and Their Six and Ten per Cents. pe Bae A ey een SAT edad cr They very seldom stood ; [rash needed no ‘“ conversion’ e Darker Continents ; A sort of Sunday turned to cash They were, my Three per Cents. A distant river somewhere rolls, The wicked River Plate ; U its banks there flourish souls For Surrey’s wild or Kone. ” I ae ; ba, and ord re ishop, Lord, Yvur bust with rare will wreathe, This boon if you ’ll accord. How can we by example shame The mob who mock at rents, If we are left to do the same t our Three per Cents ? Reft of a carriage, life is poor : A well-conducted set Needs ready money to procure * Their butler and De ett. The country totters to its fall, Disgraced to all inten Unless you instantly Our solid Three per Cents. THE FLOWERLESS FUNFRAL. (By @ Flower Merchant.) Funerat Reform? Oh! just a fad,— Its advoca’ in fact, as As those who want Cremation. Jt ce fools te ose misplaced r nothing coo —_ A nuisance to the nation ! Economy, ’re all agreed, Rone be with them a cult and creed, im ol a passion, meats wreck this trade of ours, Since they would seorn the use of flowers, If they could set the fashion ! Yes; parsons egitate, but these Good gentlemen all take their fees— We thank them much for giving Such good advice upon this Bat recollect that from the dead, We've got to get our living! A very proper plan | Corvus or THE Onsectors TO THE PaoposED |Lonp’s Towwet Rartwar.—* Watkin the Man: | matter be!”’

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—$——_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 28, 189]. ee blonde! La maladie héréditaire des Ecou-Oewasu vient d’ étre in- MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. | diquée. Porpot, ce brave Porrot, lui aussi il dégringole. [| . No. XIV.~LE PETROLIUM; OU, LES SALOPERIES PARISIENNES. semble oP Fg meer sur Newey dont on oublie d’éteindre (Par Zorgon-Gola, Auteur de‘ Toujours Poivre,” ** Charbon et Orasse,” | "Gee qummenet dt ntiment aprés q eta y a, Au " Po . é que ce bon Steeple-Jack était ke Fange phe mor + we Ia Powrvoyeur Universel,” | +o du faite de Notre Dame, ov il faisait des réparations. Le ne Réveuse qui vise mie. pauvre homme a fait cette chute en regardant Jane, qui dansait le I.—La Famrtre. cancan sur la Place da Parvis pour choquer ces er(tins de Uook-tour ists, 8: vous voulez voir les Slums Parisiens et "Bloperien, Peuple et pour distraire son mari. C’était pendant la convalescence de —avec la majuscule—vous devez visiter les ies, faubourg Porpor _ la dégringolade a commencé. Jane lui donna un dé i au dela de Belleville et de Ménilmontant, faubourg ot les femmes coudre vilain cognac, et de ce goemiee doigt de casse-poitrine sortent le matin en cheveux — ca ne veut pas dire comme Lady 4 |'ivrognerie brutale n’ était qu’une glissade, presque aussi rapide que Goprva, mais simplement sans chapeau de la charcuterie; la glissade de Notre Dame. Porpor trainait ses savates; il chimait; et of vers minuit dans des bouges infects les hommes se coupent il rigolait ; ii gardait le Saint Lundi; il passait des journées devant le gavion, en bons zigs, aprés une soirée de rigolade, C'est ici qu’on | le buffet du Pétrolium, ce grand cabaret du peuple ov |’on voyait trouve des admirables exemplaires de cette nombreuse famille Hoov- distiller le trois-six pour tout le quartier. Oowasn, qui, datant de Poanamonp, peuple Paris et tous les| Jaws faisait pire que dégringoler; elle cascadait. Elle ne se roles dans la comédie humaine. Ce n’est pas une tout a fait | débarbouillait shes, Elle avait _ en horreur le sayon. Est-ce vieille roche, voyez-vous: au contraire, ¢a commence dans la boue de une aversion héréditaire, datant de la premiére femme qui a senti Provence et finit dans les égouts de Paris; mais elle est | la puanteur de cet abominable savon francais, avant la bienfaisante in. tout de méme. pilepsie héréditaire, belle et forte | vention de M.Porres? Sans doute c’était |’atavisme en quelque forme. épilepsie qu'on trouvera partout Elle avait son béguin. C’était le dans cette vingtaine de romans 5 linge sale. Plus il était sale, plus que je suis resolu d’écrire au . elle en raffolait. Elle ne voulait sajet des EKoov-Ocwasn. C'est lus les chemises en batiste fine | une épilepsie gtatelogique. lly yam ax: u Prince de Baternzs. Elle | en a pour toute la famille. 5 te — les aristos du Jockey Club 4 ut e donner leurs plastrons 4 d’au- IL.—Lxs Porror. PRAT hi 4 Dae tres. Les clients qu’elle préferait Jane Porpor se enait sur Tea ue étaient les porte-faix, les forts de le Boulevard des Saloperies per ‘74. la halle, les chauffeurs du chemin une belle matinée d’actt. En /| ba de fer. C’était en allant chercher cheveux, panier sur le bras, elle | |) = i le linge de ces derniers qu'elle allait acheter de la chareuterie ©) |} 3 ; ee entrait sans le savoir dans le pour le déjeuner de son mari, oui, | Dédale de cette voie ferrée qui sop mari de boa, chose unique enlace et écrase les @tres vivants dans la famille Oowasu, un vrai comme les grandes roues des mariage a la Mairie et 4 l'église. locomotives écrasent la poussiére Cette petite blonde, Janz, a ses de la vyoie. idées a elle de se ranger, de vivre Le Président du P. L. M, lai en honnéte femme avec son re- aussi avait son béguin héréditaire, spectable Jzan Porror quil’adore, Il courait les femmes malpropres. au point de lui pardonner tout le Plus elles ne se débarbouillaient volume premier de son histoire. pas, plus il les courait. C’était 1 n’y a pas dans tout Paris innocent. I] les admirait du cdté ménage plas gentil que le petit / esthétique. Cela tenait de la appartement au septiéme ; i é famille, puis de ce que Ini aussi Porror dans une cité ouvriére de a, ( ' iN “per était de la vieille souche des Ecov- ce Betnal Grin Parisien. Tout 7% ¥)} A : Oewasn. II s’allumait en lorg- va bien avec ces braves Fem 4: Villy f nant la figure noircie de cette Lui, c’ est le Steeple-Jack de Paris, ; a7 ALS Ya pauvre Janz, et la rencontrant ov il fait les réparations de tous 47H : i\t "4 i WZ ‘ans la gare un jour il se permit les toits. Elle, blanchisseuse de tii | Ay ey LAAZZ, un peu de firrtage sans way fin, a développé un seoret dans la | Si) qui 1! A) en | Wij mal. Mais par une fatalité, facon d’empeser les trons de F ie MM “Tr Porpot, affreusement paf, des- chemises. Elle fait des plastrons | | - ¥ i? ie Hi 464 | eA cendait d’une quatriéme classe monumentaux, uisan' dur || f Wan’) ee oe =~ >| au moment ou le vieux baisait la comme l'albitre. Elle a eli- | Al ie ‘Sieg, wee ——// main erasseuse de Janz, en lui ents dans le beau monde et a *' . tf J Z disant son gentil bon soir: et des l'étranger, jusqu’au Prince de HY er be f cet instant Poppor voyait rouge. Baetnegs, qui lui confie ses che- Tt: . N . , —- IV mises de grande toilette, celles FF \e .—SURINADE. qu'il porte au diner du Lor Maire, ° —_— In voyait rouge, Paris lui sem- par exemple. ; _ blait un abattoir. I] couvait le Jane achete sa charcuterie, et aprés elle s’arréte au coin de larue meurtre, et pour laider il avait un complice qui était du métier, pour regarder Paris. C'était un tic qu'elle avait, de regarder Paris. Jacaues Rispixe, conducteur de machines sur le P. L. M., qui avait Cela tenait de la famille Oewasn. Instinct de race. aussi sa manie héréditaire, et sa manie a lui était de couper les gorges. Paris, vu du hauteur des Saloperies, semble une grande marmite I! les coupait sans rancune, 4 |’improviste, en souriant 4 sa _victime, pleine de boue et de sang, od les gens grouillent, se tordent, les yeux dans les yeux. Cric! c’était fait. Par exemple il est des- s'empiffrent, se dévorent, et squirment dans leur , | cendu un jour de la locomotive et devant le buffet d’une station oi il comme de la blanchaille sautant dans l’huile bouillante. Un nuage de n’y avait pas trop de monde il a suriné la barmaid qui lui souriait en sewer-gaz monte jusqu’a J awe stationnée sur Ja hauteur de Belleville; lui vendant une brioche. Il a égorgé son chauffeur au risque et dans cette brume puante elle sent l’odeur de femmes et de]’ognon, | d’arréter le train de luxe entre Avignon et Marseilles. On ne le le cognac, le meurtre, le fri le mont de piété, les omnibus, les | punit pas. Cela tenait de la famille. croquemorts, les gargotes, les a entrée libre pour dames, toutce | ‘“‘ Touche la, mondrdle! C’est convenu,” dit Jacauves RisriRe, aprés qu'il y a de funeste et de choquant dans cette ville infecte. }unm entretien de quelques heures devant le buffet du Pétrolium. Jane s’amuse flairer toutes ces horreurs pendant que le pauvre | ‘* Moi, j’arrangerai tout cela avec les fonctionnaires. Le train Porvot danse devant le buffet en attendant |’arlequin ou fe demi |arrivant de Généve doit passer le Rapide entre Macon et Dijon. kilo de chareuterie assortie dans le panier de sa femme. | Tl ne passera Je retarderai le train omnibus arrivant de Mar- | seilles. J’accélererai le train-luggage arrivant de Paris. Il y aura une IIl.—DfeRrncorane. |mélée de quatre trains, — és, tordus, enlacés, faisant le ELur a dégringolé. Cela a commeneé tout doucement en trainant pigue-d-baque : et pendant cette mélée j’égorgerai oe vieux mufe de ses savates. Quand une femme i elle traine ses sayates.| Président. C'est simple.” . C'est une loi universelle, L’on ne le sans trainer ses | Comme bon jour, repondit Porror, aveuglément soil. savates ; l'on ne traine pas ses savates sans d . Ainsi Risp2re tenait parole. A onze heures du soir il y avait une de aux souliers éculés. ©, mais elle est , cette pauvre pitite ‘ces catastrophes qui font frémir l’Europe voyageuse. L’assassin né SS S. ome Y a

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Fesrvary 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 101 ye oO assouvir me re de % at ton Pet le e, a tort et 4 travers, une véritable tuerie. On it les maing rouges, la bouche blanche d’écume. C’était la vraie Dilepsie ‘ Beqvrnot i Quant 4 Poppor er va sou é sa complicité dans ce crime ciquatengne. ui et Jame se soulent paisiblement du matin au soir Y - t le buffet um, ==. Ils devienn — les jours plus pauvres, Gavesseux, plus poivres. facile de prévoir leur fin:—._-’ L’hopital, trente pages de délire alootlique, et la fosse commune. Note de 1 Auteur.—C’ eat intention irrévocable de finir ma vingtaine | de romans sur la famille , et je compte avec plasir offrir les dix- | ¢, eatin, Pinch! neuf A suivre 4 mon ami LISTENING TO THE GENTLE KOOEN. Mam Marian is **a Comie ores Ss Three Acts,” at least so I gather from the title-page of the and from the of | the Prince of Walee® Rest: in, except occasionally Mr. ie L w the KHOUvSE, it would though where Mow Weller’ ° I E rr ria } BaF ae ret Eid Ta Ere eer ° — — ) 7 mh, \_. is not so brilliantly o by Smith. As he appears in Act III., °@ “ hammering ait” shows have been, yet there is plenty of Harrisian movement, due always to the devices in stage-ma ent of Cuar.es of that ilk, who certainly knows how to keep the Chorus moving and the game alive generally. The yet existing admirers of the once enormously popular com- poser, OFFENBACH, among whom I certainly include myself, will be much gratified by the Telicatel introduced reminiscences of the work of that master of opéra ’e which occasionally crop up during the performance of Maid Marian. If it be permissible for Ce ee Eee Semeere, oa aot more than one has done, may not little Masters exhibit the salts of their profound studies in the schools of Composers? Surely they may; and was I not pleased with Mr. Dz Koozn (whose name seems to suggest “the voice of the turtle,”—the dove, not the soup) when his prelude to the Third Act distinetly recalled to my attentive mind the celebrated unison effect in L’Africaine, only without the marvellous jump, which, when first heard, thrilled the audience, | and compelled an enthusiastic encore? Then Miss VioteT CamERnon _ fang a song about the bells, with a chorus not in the least like that | In Les Cloches de Corneville you understand, because the latter, I | think, is performed without the bells sounding, but in this there is a | musical peal which intensifies the distinction ween the two. This |, number” was encored heartily, nay, I think it was demanded three times, and came just at the right moment to freshen up the enter- tainment. In the previous Act Miss ArraLre Ciarne had had a good song which had also obtained an encore, thoroughly well deserved as far as her singing was concerned. | 1 forget what Mr. Corrm had to sing, but, whatever it was, he did it more than justice, as did also the basso profondo, whose efforts in eoate A Just with meine lis velco from, appaventiy, his boots, were crowned success. The Friar Tuck here is a kind of good old-fashioned burlesque Friar, more like that one some years ago at the Gaiety, in Little ts Far ‘woul be upommony in Jambo But 1 ythin : ve an g like the song that Sir ARTHUR given tu Velen coasted ey, or something even as good as Mr. Darzas had to sing, years ago, Li brett vanhoe. But I should say thet im in Rence’s Gaiety B for a singing part, and perhaps singer. - We’re not all of us H the poors, saben D was sat intended actor a born ser neies incur I see that Mr. Honace Sxpeer announces the drama in action, entitled L’ Enfant Prodigue, which recently made such a hit in how it go here. Not knowing, can't prophesy. Paris. Wonder ay | 2 i E e [ cE Pfs a F Ff 3 rt n i He be Fer igi E : be | F i t ; E That a considerable n Cc elegance, was Mr. x qr may be any skilled M.D.E. (¢.¢., M J give at the well-furnished table of body, umber of ~~ i ERE B F i 2 EF ced | more ** Your health, Sir Henny!” that’ not itted) in honour of the eminent practician who does so muc aon he Dae ss ovenees x z E g : ; 5 z : - : ft rf 2 ; EF i novel-readers like Saint Monica, by Mrs. Benwwetr-Epwanps, is evi- Ee L dent, because it has reached ite to be a with which the author of As in a Looking- Glass might have done something in his way. I with promise, which prom F arte ~! ance. iors - — Who does not a; welcome’ the works of Hawrey Smarr, the brightest of our novelists ? is not a conundrum, and, y, has no answer. Everybod likes the books of our literary Major, and everybody will be pleased with The Plunger. The new Story is in two volumes, and is full of incident. ere is a murder, which carries one through, from the first page to the last, in a state of breathless excitement, Not that the tale commences with the tragedy. ut its anticipation is as delightful as its subsequent ; ont, wae the mystery is solved, joy becomes universal. The story with so light a hand, that = ee truly said that the only “‘ heavy” thing about the book is e. The Autobiography of Joseph Jefferson is a good stout volume, full of its a | interest from to end, an portant addition to the theatrical h the day. The drinks to his old friend, the greatest Rip ever lived. “* Here’s your health, and your ay = ae See prosper!” says, heartily, HE Banow pe Boox-Woums

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——. [Fesrvary 28, 189], tte ii iiiitii alll WH: weeee sill UHH ii8 sii Ht i tit ti | hit iit SATIETY. ‘On, MAMMY DARLING, WHY CAN'T THE ToYsHOP-MAW CALL FoR OaprRs EveRY MORNING, LIKE THE BAKER!” CORIOLANUS, “ First Citizen. Consider you what services he has done for his country ? ** Second Citizen. Very well; and could be con- tent to give him good report for’t, but that he pa himself with being proud.”’—Coriolanus, Act t. Scene |. Teuton Coriolanus loguitur :-— ** WAS ever man so proud as is this Mancrus?”’ There spake the babbling Tribune! Proud? Great gods Ae powes | seems 7 to men of petty souls, e oak’s knotted strength seems arrogance te the slime-rooted and wind-shaken reed That shivers in the shallows. I who perched, An eagle on the topmost pinnacle Of the State's eminence, and harried thence All lesser fowl like ws |—I to hide Like a chased moor- in a marsh, and bate The breath that awed the world into a whisper, That would not shake a taper- flame or stir A flickering torch to ** I do wonder His insolence can brook to be commanded Under Comintus.” So the Roman said: Siciwivs Vetvros, thou hadst reason. Under Comintus! Who’s Comunrvs now? The adolescent Emperor, or his Complacent Chancellor? Comun1vs! Unseasoned youth, or untried middle-age, A shouting boy, or a sleek-spoken elder, Hot stripling, cool supplanter ! I serve not “Under Comuxros,” nay!—yet since he stands chaos, There, — I made firm footing amidst Stands in smug comfort where we Titans struggled — Motrxe, and I, and the great Emperor,— Struggied for vantage, which he owes to Since he stands there, and I in shadow sit, Silenced and chidden, I half feel I serve, Whom he would bid to second. Second Aim, In that Imperial Policy whose vast And soaring shape, like air-launched eagle, To fill the sky, and shadow half the world ? As well the le’s self might be expected To second the small jay ! My shadow, mine ? Yes, but distorted by the pn gi ray o a far lesser - lit = Pe noon my meridian glory. spurn The runt And they shriek, Shout censure at me, the cur-crowd who erou Ere that a woman’s hate and a boy’s pride Smote me, the new -y—— sore ; They ’d hush me, like a g us grey beard, chaired At the hearth-corner out of harm; they'd hush (they ? My voice—the valorous vermin! What say ¥ That's a brave Sellow ; but he’s vengeance proud ; mane, Zenpact Gecomman people!” Humph! I As Maxcrvus would not, in vin the [omen ae, And =f wounds to the people. Is that pride I stooped to—her '—let - at ieth net rg wees pelenn parades. —but is ¢ — er Roman pride was stiff and taci omthes toll mea, 1 will still be talking,” shay oh he eptine Wae of the modern Maxcrve, this :—he has been bred i’ the wars Since he could draw a sword, and is ill-school’ d | In bolted language : meal and bran together He throws without distinction.” Well, well, well * T would he had continued to his country As he began ; and not unknit, himself, The Le knot he made.” 0 they ’ll whine The ee Sictryruses. Bat whatI wonder | If onoe Again the Volscians make new head! Who, “‘ like an eagle in a dovecote,” then Will flatter them and discipline Avripivs ? Aneagle! Shall I spurn my shadow, then | Trample | my own santaotion’ So they babble | Who ’dsilence me, make this my mouthpiece ° | mute ; Who | prate of prosecution—banishment, Perchance, anon, for me, as for the Roman, | Because *‘ I cannot brook to be commanded | Under Comrntus.” What said Votumwia To her imperious son? ‘* The man was noble, | But with his last attempt he wiped it out ; eg d his country; and his name re- To the auanieg age abhorr’d!” I would not ave My own Viecruia say so—she who frets: At my colossal chafing. Ann's shade Wo = a my fall; but silent Fried- Irks — “whilst lesser ite so misshape My vast — at whose shadow. dwarfed, I trample in my anger, thus—thus—thus ! * The Hamburger Nachrichten, in whose columns (says the Times) Prince Brsmanck, according to the friends of the Government, “in- spires incessant attacks upon the Imperial Policy, domestic, foreign, and colonial, and yu the proceedings of his successor, General CarRivi.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Frorvary 28, 1891. AN Ki Ne NK AN ! a } » ‘ ‘ | a i} Ni ee \ A SM) ‘s nt N | ii ] \ ; ‘ ‘ so \ "} NN AN , at OF ae ee N : | maz | CON ve \ RW “a iy Co — — CORIOLANUS. “SUCH A NATURE, TICKLED WITH GOOD SUCCESS, DISDAINS THE SHADOW WHICH HE TREADS ON AT NOON.”—Coriolanus, Act I., Se. 1.

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Fesavary 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DUMAS UP TO ARMY ESTIMATES’ DATE. Part L—The Three Volunteers. Lisurewant Portos, Captain Arnos, and Major ARAMIS were delighted with the pro- gress discernible in every detail of the battalion KY which a wee Roe honour to | belon ot a man not appear on soul ounpaions as ie fact Law he had made | himself proficien va a & con- | tented, the non-commissboned offleers happy. It was, indeed, a model iment. On | occasion of their i — Colonel D’ AntONAE, © BUs a =e marched from the | ranks, an | ‘And wap do oon nis in asked the | ineposting os We wish “the soins | to be oe mate ee ‘returned the for a reform.” PortHos, Arnos, and Aramis would have | protested, but Colonel D’ ARTAGNAN ‘them to be mt. ‘‘I am here,” i mur- | mured, “to listen to pe ay must | listen to his.” | “—" ” said the — lainant, ‘‘ we have admirable officers—the Lieutenant, the Cap- tale, and the Major. They are always at work Yes,” returned Colonel D’ ArTacwan ; ‘“‘and so are you.” ‘But we have merely to obey orders, and ‘not to command. We feel that although we pay for eveayeeee, with the bat- talion, we should do something more. We ought to subscribe a sum to pay our sxcellent officers for commanding us!” x PorTHos, i the and A! the suggestion, e great | of their subordinates. | Parr II, ie Years Afterwards, Lizvtewant Portos, Captain Arnos, and | Major ARAMIS were once again by D’ARTaGwaN, now wearing the gold and | crimson scarf of a general officer. | “Yes, I have + wines to make,”’ ng = |one of the rank an custom’ ry tony oor *, We s three officers ; but they have manely give orders, | while we have to obey them. This is unfair —unjust. We are always at on * Yes,” returned General D’ ARTAGNAN, “and so are they. * True — We feel that, although on pay everything for the battalion, they should do more. ey ought to compensate | their excellent Privates for the time we devote | to obeying them | And Porrsos, "Arnos, and Ansueconates the suggestion, to the ‘great delight of | subordinates, Part IIl.—TZen Years Later. Lieutenant Porrnos, Captain hams, and Major ARAMIS were yet again on “I salute you, my friends,” said “Field M arshal D’ArtaGwan, the i officer. ‘ Bat where is your Regi iment ?” Portuos looked at erm, and Arnos | glanced at ARAmrts, ina breath, “Tt has been t. Disbanded!” pee D'ARTAGNAN, “But where are the accounts of the Corps?’ Then the three friends replied in a mourn- rupley “Filed in the Court of Bank- y And what do age ew accounts in the Court of Bankra eh. call it the iat act oft of laiciens ent, w not entirely voluntery by os way, however, was a the four frien friends having no further ree gen | requiring their joint attention, hands warmly, and parted—for ever ! the | For himself, utter MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN— TO DINNER. ( By @ Dinner-Belle.) No. I,—Tue Over-cutturnep UNDERGRADUATE. He stood, as if posed by a column, Awaiting, our hostess’ advance ; Coes ly pallid and solemn, He deigned an Olympian glance. I — in a room like a crater, > —_~ me down-stairs, And. —* lane could not freeze with a Pe... Tal } I questioned if Balliol was jolly _ * Your epithet,” sighed he, *‘ means noise. Vile noise! At his age it were foll y To revel with Philistine boys.” | Competition, the seadeanioal fools . vulture, | ne) Culture, He countenanced none of the Schools. | Exams: were a Brummagem fashion Of mobs and inferior taste ; They withered “*Translucence” and “ Pas-| sion,’ They vulg arised leisure by haste. Self to 5 ealine— tans was the. question, Inscrutable still while the cooks Of our Colleges ed indigestion, Their Dons ible books. Two volumes alone were not bathos, ty one 4 by early Chinese, 0 other : — Pit 1 ar } ursery ymes, if you please. He was lost, he a in this era ; His spirit was seared by the West, But he deemed to be Monk in Madeira Would probably suit him the best. ‘* Impressions of Babehood ” in plenty Succeeded, ‘‘ Hot youth” and its tears, Till I wondered if ninety or jonty Sum up his un ble years. Great Heavens! I I turned to my neighbour, A Squarson by culture unblest ; And welcomed at length in field- labour And foxes refreshment and rest. QuEsTION oF THE KyIGHnT. a4 it be bog was mentioned in the World week, Mr. Fonte W nomtbn cimbed dm only to be placed wu perch, b will any of name P{ollow on the eK nighthood 1 Will Mr, Justice Wnieut ? OUR ADVERTISERS. HE JERRYBAND PIANO is a thunder- ing instrument. rP\HE JERRYBAND PIANO should be in _every Lunatic Asylum. — ry\ge JERRYBAND PIANO.—This won- and ue instrument, horizontal my five octaves, ham- including ECADILLA is a new after-dinner, home-grown i ECADILLA isa f fruity, gout- | ee + 7, goutgiv heady palate, tor f 3 marth oe Se wing, character, and crust. PECADILLA 1 may be safely offered at unerals, ECADILLA is a beverage for Dukes in Pts _ distressed circumstances. | PRCADILLA is the wine, par excellence, for the retrenching. | pears mixed with citrate of soda, and soda-water, and drunk in the —s = immediately after i of hot ginger found to possess the quality > a low. prloed Champagne. _ | PECADILLA. is the making of an econo- mical wedding breakfast. big —y- A els of this delicious Wine are still to be had of the grower, a Sicilian Coun for the moment resident in Houndasditch, a | the nominal price, inclusive of the botteg, ‘of five shillings and ninepence the dozen few TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. (An Explanation.) (“Every minute of my time during 1891 is | alsbedy mortgaged. In 1892 you may count upon me.’’—Mr, Janome K. sem not Mr. Rupyarp Kretine, See “ Punch,” Feb, 14.) Ou, Mr. Kietine !|—you whose pungent pen Or pirate blishers has been the terror, you, to forgive me, when i confess I wrote in error. It was not by whom the deed was done But Mr. J gnome ’twas who wrote and said he Could not contribute, since his Ninety-One Was mortgaged to the Editors already. h on you, indeed, in such a way, By thin won wap he, 104 dim your glory. va, pray believe I really e to say I mixed you up with quite “another story” ! ’T was Danes ae oF AN ADVER- be known as Sir Rozert Rone, es”

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HARIVARL ’ C PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

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byy- a, n ait w\\ ee of \ TEA uf y) 4 / \ pee t// SF fj ‘7 } 9 @, NS NN Soel Bary <Y | e:) 5 23 7

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Fesruary 28, 1891.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MR. PUNCH TO MISS CANADA. ory i Teen may be But But has learned No, C we love you dear, abd eqntiventite It by your March Elections our are—say ratified. We don’t expect self-sacrifice, we do not beg for gratitude, Bat me an interested eye, my dear, upon your attitude. seatioele wo bald ene rapechenetl le, But are our w Kialy Eihip§ we re ’re affectionatel A mother’s to‘ i, —% you know ; But does Llp n Sy taes to see po ai “run i) from home, she'll own you know. t, MacponaLp is magniloquen a bit Coneeniont ; His dark denunciations—at a And when we read the rows —= him and Pi icnsas Cart- WRIGHT; dear. (right, dear! We have our doubts if either chief quite plays the patriot part But there, we know that party speeches are not merum nectar, all, And we can take the measure of magniloquence electoral ; The tipple Party Spirit men will stir and whiskey-toddy- fy, Bat be they have to drink it—cold—its strength they greatly modality. eae Le Ides of March? Oh, no! All auguries we defy, my The spectre of disloyalty don’t scare us ; all m So vote away, dear Canada! our faith ’s in fri And aa, Sa or Canuck, or home-born, we em, dear my eye, my dear. y freedom, dear; shall not heed ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, February 16.—After long tarrying, House once more juatified its old character. Been Jan ay and -_ these weeks and months past. Thought it was dead ; 7 Bosch, . ne To-night woke u; —_ audience that filled ever intel Go Geemenall pp of Session ; put off on eccemms Occasion was the was to have come off at of counter attractions in ittee-Room No. 15 ; ; postponement no longer possible; and here we are, House throbbing with excite- ment, Ocp MORALITY ne y clacking about Treasury Bench, bringing his chicks together under his wing. Ranpotra brought his young beard down to witness performance. on ier he in Irish rer Fox si in old fm. two a third bench below y: Brer Rassit, sunk an _ found meditati to the rival ao occupies corner seat; room for one between them. shall take it? Anxious time for Tm Hzaty, N he dreads so much as possibility of outbreak. In Committee- Room No, 15, Brer Fox ¢ snatched out of Brer ~~ hand a sheet of ‘oe pose now, in awd yom, he Pac Fag to reach forth oy — ae Beate Oy afainst the beck the Bench? be 8 gentle nature shivered th apprehension; thing to ) et to get a good plump gentleman set between the two, so that in case hostilities broke out his bod might be Thought of & pro- thronged the Bar, had rare Crepes, oat Comet of Prince ARTHUR; on ae used as buffer, Euson first. 4 the —_ - amare happy to obiie from P; : di “Senlden he Delouead - other T. B. Porrzn? A SENSITIVE EAR. Intelligent Briton. '‘ BUT we HAVE WO THEATRE, NO AcTORS WORTHY OF THE NAME, MADEMO seiLe! WHY, THE ENGLISH DELIVERY oF BLANK VERSE Is SIMPLY TORTURE TO AN EAR ACCUSTOMED TO HEAR IT GIVEN IT# FULL Beaury aND SIGNIFICANCE BY A BERNHARDT OR a Coquvetin !” Mademoiselle, ‘‘Ixparp? I HAVE NEVER HEARD BERNHARDT OR | Coque.in necrre Exoiisn Buawx Verss!” Intelligent Briton. ‘'Ov course not, I meaN Frevcn Biarx Verszr—tTHe Buank Verse or ConNEILLE, Racine, Morizue!” Mademoiselle, ‘‘Oa, Monstnvur, THERE 18 NO SUCH THING!” [Briton still tries to look intelligent, ‘The very man!” cried Tim, ‘I believe you and he scale the same to a pound, and though your waist is more shapely, he has the advantage in shoulders,” Porrer most obliging of men ; offered no objection. So Tim con ducted him to the seat ; he dropped , but firm] vat Brer Razair putting on his spectacles, and across of T. B.’s shoulders, thought he recognised Brer Fox at Sea side. ana ye he was beyond speaking distance, and so was obvia m...” his ‘mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention .) echate, Di i progress 8 swale he contributed few in a Tae am hye ivision taken on Jounw Mortzy’s Motion, every body ready to home, he moved carried Adiournment of De Business done. Ths gy > Anruur indicted for breach of Constitu- tional Law in Ireland. Jury retired to consider their verdict, Agreed upon acquittal by 320 Vote against 245. House to-night. ne le varudl, conoian of it. Even without Everyone more, or less ehancing to look up to Pees erv, Members are inspired with sudden mysterious access of Moral Influence. Orv Moratity him- ated ais of roupesaibl bitty and renpetaity le bel a oes va ty & grea He me ay ‘which said vem less modest — 9" Last night, or rather early this eo. 8 ‘ish Members a force Government hand ; Lemon ihieemeltheniemendt Amend seat was about to be 0 be substituted for - by ~~ yy Tm EALY ee ee deed journmen Debate; Oty Monrarirr slily threatened all-night sitting ; ; after an hour's

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| 108 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —____ [Fesruary 28, 1891,

struggle, Government capitulated; Adjournment agreed to; Irish Members went off jubilant. To-night Sexrow asks Ocp Moratiry when they shall resume debate ” ** Ah.” says Ory Moratrrr, with look of friendly interest, as if | the idea had struck him for the first time, “ yes; jast so. The Hon. Member wants to know when we shall resume the debate, the| adjournment of which he and his friends were instrumental in | carrying at an early bour this morning. Well, I must say, on the) part of Her Majesty's Government, that we are perseety satisfied with matters as they were left. Wehada +o | debate, a majority much larger than we had dared to hope for, and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave matters alone. As one of our prose-writers observed, it is, on the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any inconveniences that may press upon one at the current moment, than to hasten to en- counter others with the precise nature of which we do not happen to be acquainted.” Granp Cross missed this delightful little episode. not coming in till questions were over. poe + sat NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed there will be no exception. Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will Envelope, this rule Cover, or Wrapper. To

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Fesruarr 28, 1891. CURIOUS OLD HIGHLAND WHISKIES . 7 10 15 & 26 years is wood. Dice yer doe. 48/- 60/- 72/- 120/- ding the moderate use tes tt nat on no account should Whisky be used unless it is well matured. Detailed List on application to OREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. hisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. LD IRISH WHISKY. ORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY, Limited, Head Offices: ORRISON'S ISLAND, CORK. AM-VAR WHISKY, HE FAMOUS OLD SCOTOH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. ID IN THE PALACE AND TES SHISLING. THE Bist FOR CAMP, MOOR, OB LOCH. Highest A wards, Kecommended by the Medical Faculty. YI2 £ GRIEVZ, ED:NBURGH acd LOMDON. THE G. B, DMBETES. WHISKY ugir. Is not stored in Sherry Casks. seems to comma its name.” —Lancar. 48s. per Dog. CARRIAGE PAID, EO. BACK & GO,, vonshire Square, London. DSHAW & 00/8 “& 006 BRAN ee co. Tt her scratch nor spurt. PE we t being roun nded * 8¢Y process. Seve . Medais swarded. C.BRANDAUE {RCULAR CromroPENS tion is aiso drawn to their new “ Graduated a a ome pattern being made in 4 degrees oe erates and each in 3 oe of points Poni pe tet he either , 4., wn swing a » s10len s\Sest Your Soap | We will su: An eminent Medical Authority, " recom- | il of Whisky, | fide Re La RN jo Qinolin Sony to be the PURSE, SAFEST, and @ for Skin Irritation, Toilet, Nursery, an Baw: BLOND ton Miding tea Baiting Weeds, Chevicts, . Berges, dc. Ag +4 rge assortment of ff productions of this yA firm is ~ @ Exon” Sor. slways kept im stock. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILOR+, OUTYITTERS, ae, ak 67, ate Hill, Lonpon, E. C. — m 8t., Ludga orkshope pig aa Ny ae ee dgate Hilt, BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO., 10, Warwick Square, E.C. Meaniactcrers, BEWLEY & DRAPER, Lid. Dublin GOLT’S NEW UNITED STATES NAVY REVOLVER Soy Rome ~ ouse Protection, Tmveiess, ond Mii kes . cal. Ex atl and other al Cartidese LICHT NING and Small A actice, are wu for eceuracy and unequalled for rapid ty of fire. COLT’S REVOLVERS carried off ail J highest Prizes at Hisler, Edin- Dublin in 1890, Price List bee burgh, and COLTS FIREARMS Gy., 14, Pall Mall, Londos,3. ¥. For La Target hooting, and | for Soaps, with bona wasiae Journals, together wing (64., 84., & 104.) we (Prepared by am . A Tollet Powder « — Hygieuic and Cosmetic, ing the Skin. I¢ will s eq for imparting « most nat complexion Gentiemen will find it most soothing and plenenne for use after shaving In three tints; Blanche for fir skins, otucete for derker complexions, and Machel tor use bf artificial ligh Price is. fy Post, free from observation, pa ue To be bad of all Hairdressers Chenslats, &e Wholesale Depdt: &. yt, ft & gous, i—B, BEMNERS STKE Aad 91-0), CITY ROAD, EC, lalbon. GARE AUIEOUNE PERFECTLY AURE E38. Bold by ae tL Che =_— throughout Agents: & novnaselt & BONG, Lowpos. USED IN THE ROYAL WORSERIES, ~ BEST FOOD INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., 2s., 5s. and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, tonooy, AND $0LD EVERYWHERE. “EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1$89. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED DELICIOUS. Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAV a re one, COCOA ano MILK Tins, ls. 6d. and 2s. 6d., obtainable everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. I) CAUTION —Other and inferior makes , wovsn LADDER WEBS ore now bein one 3S Base bas = name Cc kis - a) my 0 INE See ry yard Ask tor CARK'S STaMre LADDER WHERE, and see that the name is there 70 GAVE THE TEETH, USE DAILY THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRIGE WATER utifies and Preserves the Treva ™ 8 Sweet Fragrance to the Nanira and Kefreshing to the Moura And takes away emel! of Tosscoo. N.B.—The success of this the fret liquid Dy at fri made in Enviand has led to many tmsvaiwve t RBecessary for purchasers to ore T. & C.'s signature band on each Bottiec Rotges, Ie. 04. + 2s. O4., 44, 64., and He 64., of and Blores. Or sent, post fre ¢, fror rT &. HOLD STRERT. LIVERPOOL (as above) in Bine Ink seroes the Labe! on exch Jar of the Genuine Extract. fin AN ASTHMA, BLONCHITIS 4 Chemists throughowst the world, Ne fom ’ be without it. Paris. Neral, ober cn, Pharmacie Delsera ; Motterdam, Garten Kole g over 60 years. Prepared on'y by THOMAS POWELL, Blacktrigts fost, Londen. LOHS MAIGLOC MAIGLOCKCEN = LILY sm LILY OF THE VALLEY — THE VALLEY =

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Soe PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvanr 28, 1891. = ry’s ak, Cocoa Lancet.— Pure and very soluble.” This choice Cocoa makes a most delicious beverage for Breakfast or Supper. Being exceedingly nutritious, and easily digested, it forms a valuable food for Invalids and Children. Half a tea-spoonful is sufficient to make 6 cup of most delicious Cocoa. To secure this article, ask for “FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED COCOA.” 4 PRIZE MEDALS AWARDED TO THE MAKERS, J. $. FRY & SONS, BRISTOL, LONDON; & SYDNEY, Hit 4 pivot, in the P. ecinet Printed by William Stuart *mith, of No. #_ Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Farish of 8t. Mery, Istin , in the County of Middlesex, et the Printing Offices of Mesams. , , & Co, , Limiteh s ae, Betooey, ry gton, in the County o . e 7 prodvary » 6s 0, th Lendon, ani Published by him at No. 86, Fleet Sirect, in the Parieh of 84. Bride, City of Lenéom.—Sateazar,

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SOCIETY PIGTURES se iicisit scine sr «oni SOCIETY PICTURES / From “PUNCH.’’ _ room table than these ‘Society Picrurgs,’ with By G. du MAURIER Part I. in fine cloth their genial satire, their fancy, grace, refinement,—and all sé Ty 9” the other piquant and exquisite qualities one associates with From “PUNCH. / uct, 6d. the men nand women of Du Maurirr's creation.”—Giascow HERALD. Me Sm Bore Bi sien i iY eet 2 ee ~~ 1957S cee reunegdl! 5 ine ee ae ee aT hs rend Us Pe LE MATT: Ui Ope (Cas Z : : Mis y ie ,§ 4 3 ON i! mq y | es PUNCH meee FLEET STREET. ¢ ore oP wR Va AND BOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, FRY’ S PURE COCOA To secure this article, ask for “FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED COCOA.” v0 Po o m 4 x Da m m ‘SONSd

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war won BY THE aay. oh sarwen. Geeqyer as THE HISTORIC NOTE - With an APPENDIX OF BATTLES. By the Rev EB. CORHAR BREWEKK, LL.D., Author of “ Guide te Science,” oo Parsee an4 Fabe The Reader's Hancboos,” * DieGouary of Miracles,” & Lenaon Servs, | Rupes. & Co, 4, Waterloo Place

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CONTENTS OF MACMILLAN’S MAGAZINE Mo. S77) for MARCH »— 1. Compulsory Greek; by BE. A. Freeman. y & Me Fell ameng Thieves; by D. Christie Murray end Henry Hermar Cenclusion.) 7. & The Education of the Deaf; by A. E. Street. 6 Butter-Making & Jutland; by the Rev. M. OC. ¥. Morr 7. My Old Drawing Master & The Red Man and the White; by A. OG. Bradley. © The Great Discovery; by HM. L. Haveli MACMILLAN & CO. LONDON. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MACAZINE Por MARCH pretessty ™ Desteated, price 64., by post, 1. Portrait of Mrs. Louise Rewe. Fn- raved by © Lecour, from tue Ficture painted G Sir ne B. Miilais, K.A., 1680. Front. ; Mre Hunter Libustrated by

ary — - essions in Cairo. W. Morton Fullerton. liustrated by Percy Anderson Traditions of the Baymen. Edith Sellers. L A. M. Wakefield. A Day t= Kyoto. Roderick Mackenzie. G. Rigo: and bt okusal. Tius- end William Strang. Frederick iLasteaved trom Straits. By Morley Roberts.- Notes of the Month —Our Library List Leadon: JOHN MURKAY, Albemarle *treet HOWARD BEDFORD HARROWS. BEST 4 SAFEST Den BOLD BY ALL CHEM! QD PERFUMERS, IW

BOOK. * The Dictionary | _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIVARL —Marca 7, _1891.

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Manon 7, 1891.] a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOCES POPULI. IN A FOG. —A ReMrniscence or THE Past Mowrru. a near Re Park, Time peney much rm ls griding, cras jolts, re spin nd plunging, whee on such occasions. Mrs. Flusters (who is seated in a brougham with her husband, on their way to dine with some friends in Crom- well Road). We shall be dreadfully late, I know we shall! I’m sure Peacock could faster than this if he liked—he cues loses his when there’s much traffic. Do tell him to make haste! Mr. F. Better let him alone—he knows what he’s doing. Mrs. F. I don’t believe he does, “se he wouldn’t dawdle like this. If you won’t speak to him, I must. (Lets down the glass and puts out her head.) meal A Blurred Shadow on the Box. Yes, M Mrs. F. What are we for like this? The Shadow, Fog very just ’ere, M’m. Can't see what ’s in front of us, M’m. Mrs. F. It’s just as abe keep moving as to stand still—go on at once. The 8. Very good, M’m. Voice from the Unseen. Peacock. — ts suthin in is eo, = | Mrs. FP. (inking back), Manmapvxe, this is awful. I’d no idea the fog was like this—or TI should never | have—— (With temper.) y, people have no right | to ask one out on such a night. Mr. F. (with the common-sense that makes him “ tery at times.””) Well, Fawxy, you could hardly | tem to foresee the weather three weeks ahead ! rs. F. At all events, you might have seen what it was going to be as you came —+ | from the Temple. Then we could have sent a telegram To ery of Pull ~e ty | fenky Hanks oo.’ | ey a m. A van, _ x —regard a dinner-engagement as yo are of kindly social contract, not to be broken except pressing eee | Mrs. F. You mean you heard me say there was nothin but cold meat in the house, and you know you ’ll geta mf dinner at the Conpon- BLEwirTs,—not thatwe are likely to get there py te a — you any idea whereabouts weare ? Mr. F. (calmly). None whatever. Mrs. F. Then ask Paacoax. Mr. F. (lets down his window, and leans out), Peacock! The Shadow. Sir ? Mr. F. Where have we got to now ? Peacock. I ain’t rightly sure, Sir. Mrs. F. Tell him to turn round, and go home, Mr. F. It’s no use a ibe hie Turn back. eg I dursn’ ; leave shed alll ot to toge ro by, Sir. | F. Then take one of ithe 7 -% orse. poet, It’s the y Mr. F. (sinking back). Worm must rat up with it, I sup- pose. [A smart aah & handed the hota’ ty oy _ Foto. Now, why the blanky dash, &c., F. Manmapvuxg, I can’t sit here, and know etl ones a Cone may come between us at any moment. Let us get out, and take a cab home at once. Mr. F. There’s only one objection to that suggestion —viz., that it’s apace impossible to tell a cab from a piano-organ. find out where we are first, and then turn. Pxacocg, drive on as well as you can, and ay ng you come to a shop. rs, F. What do you want to stop at « shop for ? Mr. F. Why, then I can go in, and ask where we are. Mrs. F. And how do you expect them to know where we are! (She sees a smear of light in the distance.) Manr- MADUKE, there’salinkman. Get out quick, and hire him to lead the way. Mr. F. (who gets out, and follows in the direction of | the light, mbli to himself). Hallo!—not past the | nak Ys re s the wal. if I Keep clone to, bo] wie ly collides with a ) Phew’! on confound it ! (He te - his shins.) Now if Pl a go —you there stops. ere— I want to show Fe a ase Bete yet Sak ‘oce from 1 6 to find our own 4 alae out fust, Guv’nor. We're et Reveller ( Gerchdeg ep ba F.) Beg your bur con’ you dreck me nearesht way—er— Mr. F. Tt coomed to be iftine then, and besides, Ih | = BITING SARCASM. Gentleman with the Broom (who has ¢ | Shipwreck). ‘‘ Ow yus! splashed the Artist's Savourite I SUPPOSE YER THINK YE RE THE PRESIDENT ©’ THE Roy’L AcapERMY! A SETTIN THERE IN THE Lar ER Luxury!!!” == sk F. (savagely). aon oe ou come to it ) ne ) feat Y ’m exsheedingly ished ; papery shii’ "fection eyeshi’, an’ I ‘share you, can’t anyshing cannons ——- rom the g loom. ) . R. Ite. all ri’, Lit. op odpmey tiomately)—has kindl shee me nen. Ee Now then, what are you eee» Oo ae See eee, at On I’m shuffrin’ dishtingly to- (i against a Jame. post, to which he —_ affectionately, ae - i doing ‘ere, eh? gorrilman—(petting lamp- post ‘affec- Hang it! "Whe woe s Peacock and ‘the brougham? He discovers a phantom vehicle by the ‘win and gets in angrily.) Now, look here, my dear, it’s no earthly good—— Occupant of the Brougham (who is not on pe Cowar woman if you dare! I have nothing on me of cone we nad om, Se —_ pe copa ¢ e— 4 7- t oliceman, and ‘avour ‘og, suit ue pasted, at the endo ‘which time he ital tein } to ry) 4 to find hii some hours later, a an extem Mrs. F.’ (cheerful 'y). Bo there you are, MARMADUKE a sure you’d find your way back somehow ! + (not in the best of tempers). Find m thin 47 ek But where have you been irs. F. Where? Why, at the Biewrrts, to be sure! got out, we had to keep moving on, an by-and-by the fog and see where we were going to,—and the Biewrrrs had off hour, so I was not so very late. Such a mice except you, Marwapuxe—but I told them how it was. HoreHound was there, and said a man had actually got into her tried to wrench off one of her bracelets !— only she i to him something, and got out he was struck with remorse, or the Park, close to where you left me. , Just fancy, Manmapvuxs, he into the carriage with me, in ne. F. (gloomily). Yes, he a he—er—didn't, you touch a defenceless ~ 4 Police! carrie eae nto, ‘enpored cod rapper. repomed by a Wrfe. : L

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Mancn 7, 189], “aA GOOD LITTLE ’UN IS BETTER THAN A BAD BIG ’UN.”—(?.2. Mazin.) A Brr or Mopggnw Boxraxa. “110-Ton Guns do not count for any practical purpose . . . These monsters | °F the shambling ‘‘ Baldnob the Titan” have been in front of the are the laughing-stock of everyone f 0 takes ‘the smallest interest in the small but active and accomplished _ Duodecimo Dumps”? Why, subject. They are quite indefensible, and not worth making, even if they| Where the vaunted “‘ Benicia Boy” would have been after fifty were unobjectionable, for the simple reason that everything we require can | rounds with Tom Sarzrs—with his “‘ Auctioneer” in full play. 10 be done by smaller weapons . . . It is believed that more of these useless | fact, when a good little un meets a bad big ’un, it is s00n & monsters are to be made by way of reserve. It is an insane policy, designed | case—with the latter—of ‘‘ bellows to mend,” or *‘ there goes simply to save somebody’s amour propre, and we still hope to from Lord | with his eye out!” Gonos Hamiiron that it has been abandoned.””—“ Zhe Times” on the These remarks have been suggested by recent revelations concern- Nevei Estimates. ing that much over-rated pet of the mugs—the ‘ Woolwich “Tart a good little un is better than a bad big’un,” is an old and Whopper,” alias the ‘* Elswick Folly,” aias Hamrtron’s “* Novice. maxim amongst the really i oat the P. R. It) The “* W. W.” always was a fraud, and, for all his lumbering bulk is one, however, that now, as of yore, swell self-conceited | and “‘ Motrweavx-like” capacity of “‘ tatur-trap,” never could train- amateurs, and other pagilistic jugginses are 7 toi or forget. | on soundly, or—figuratively speaking—“ spank a hole in a pound of Where, we wonder, would tne slab-sided “ canetagbelline Babe” | butter.” Many cleyerish trainers, and still more ambitious backers

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Marcu 7, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. lll of the “‘ Corinthian Ja: have had a shy, we fessionally or monet z * Woolwich and invariably with y > heel results. The “ W. vn though big enough in all conscience, is not of sound con- stitu i of the true wear-and-tear sort, is very diffi- cult ( re apace to train, and when brought fairly up to the scratch is certain to go bang to pieces after the first few rounds, if these are at all of a hot-and-hot character. Still there are —worse luck !—certain connected, more or less, with the P.R. who—whe from interest, vanity, q = Cn gy still a tele faith to to this . fon Wy long-shan top-heavy, | shambling, 5" Son of a ce as Nonsy Norxins, of the Nautical Division, pithily called him | the other day. If some of these credulous or conceited coves had witnessed the little trial ‘* —~ ” which om lace recently (on the strict Q.T.), at the Head, ” in the presence of Mr. Jouw B-1t (the famous P.R. referee), between the vaunted ‘** Whopper” and a smart and y i pant-wslgnt known as “‘ Quickfire,”’ | their owl-eyes mig oy yas. ving been a little opened, and | their peacock-strut a bit modified. The ‘* Woolwich Whopper,” for all his height and over- whelming weight, seemed to toe the scratch Ting! ho reluctance. He put up his dukes every famblin attitude was decidedly of the ‘* head-over-tip Up eto Young “‘ Quickfire,” on the contrary, was erect as a dart, nimble on his pins as a girl at her first dance, and smart in every ms a newly-promoted Postman, or the Parcels Saree He was all over his man in a brace of shakes, and the ‘‘ Whopper,” who looked as though he could have knocked holes in him sf he could have hit LY — _— land a ‘‘little one in” once in then it was so short that - AY. Fed brushed a bumble-bee off a buttercu The respected Referee, who weeded the dust-up wt careful interest, was much pleased with the promise of the smart Rent-weeeh ” Qhiekfire,” who seems to have in him the makings of a fine fighter. Mr. B-11 did not depen it, Samet oo Sale Sore ot tS opper,’”’ about whose to first-c orm let alone Champion honours, it is to be hoped we shall hear little more 1-3 the future. [4fem.—Mr. Punch suspects that the above edifying and idiomatic homily was intended for some sporting contemporary, mn A his accustomed courtesy, he gives it for what it is wo ° TO A COMPLIMENTARY COUNSEL. (‘Here the Plaintiff met the Defendant, who formed a strong attachment for her, at which he (the learned Counsel), did not wonder.” — Extract "from a recent Report.| Tue Plaintiff she was very fair— I’d very gladly make a verse on Her face, her smile, her eyes, her hair, Her comely and attractive person. Last year a ben had Her heart and swore that t — sunder The s' attachment he had formed At which you said you ‘* did not wonder !” Oh! tell me was it quite the thing, Of yromunes shamelessly defiant, In such a pointed way to sing The praises of pretty client. Had she been ugly—yes, or plain, W you have vaduteed I it your du‘y To say how much it caused you © look and mark her lack. of Peanty ? Pephae on meant the words you said, wo' amusing to discover If she had really turned i Be ~% And in her a See a vm eseniel well be the ssn ou escape supportin This statement—that it’s not the - - In open Court to go a-courting. Whee en none a pony byry to say at last have — And th thet oe "ll make the villain pa For pacing lets her Sesiep-heated, You’ll that in the Breach Of Promise Case, you must not But mention in set om That at his love you do not | No mercy i. fi re uf —_. &; gu : Pi a" ACK igh Ch M, 4 si itty is bv iy “iil i wh by RECOGNITION OF MERIT. The M Dougall, L.C.C. (to Cambridge Don), ‘‘ Wai pox | Tae Srinster To THE Spinnina Hovse! You ARE INDEED A Proctor AND A Broturn!” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. The Quiet Mrs. Foniy I - var nearly a good novel of the kind with which ‘‘ once upon a time’ being F.C. Puiurs used to delight us. Mr. Kicttanp Parcx’s Quiet Mrs. F. might perhaps be placed in the same category with F.C. P.’s Little Mrs, Murray, which was not ey any means the Author's best. The sto interest or , like the Consols, is good enough for those who don’t want much their money. It may be safely recommended as a pleasant compe during a railway journey. The Baron does =" consider that The Quiet will make much noise in the novel-reading wor A coloured leaflet, of autumnal tint, ——- me, in the tone of a Wellington dispatch, to ‘‘ order early ” a new “Family Magazine,” entitled, Golden Gates, edited by Jonw Srranoz Wivren. ‘I have not yet seen it,” says the Baron, 7 = _ the adventurous pennyworth every possible success.” Its bill of contents announces ‘‘a complete story,” by the editress, and also a ‘‘ complete novelette,” by Mrs. Loverr Cameron. This looks well for the first number ; and an editor’s motto must be, ‘* Take care | of Number One.” I suppose in each number there will be ‘‘ A Winter’s Tale.” Interesting reading for the Baron and his friends the Public, is Mr. Anpxn- son’s article, entitled Studies in [liustrated ey: in this month’s Magazine of Art. Mr. ANDERSON is a trifle inaccurate in some details of his pleasantly- written and needless for the Baron to dwell enerally trastworthy sketch of the history of Mr. Punch, on which it is ‘ A Fe ne The Baron remembers the dap peer, onetinely -attired ‘* _ me Howanrp,” who had the reputation of being ** Lexca’s ’ caly pore old friend A superb aa gt ‘the ‘greatest master of line in ’ but who was never one of Mr. syaew’s 4 Btaff Officers, In the seme this Magacine : a brief, but carefully written notice of the Baron's convive, and f ellow- worker on Mr. 7 at staff, Cuantes Krewe. Artist,” writes Mr. Sristmam, “ yess and simple ”—true this, in b and white that will live for to come.” The engraving that accompanies this notice of our old friend is not a striki ees ¢: Canto,” Ly FW it exactl pee oe his wit his hand, so familiar to ail his htfal attitude, with his ereby and herewith vos are returned to the i Biblographer” the Beoretary of the Sette 1 Odd Volumes, for his charming little brochure about Robert ‘oudin, his Life and Magical Deeds, Se iletele, Tue Baron ve Boox-Worms. A “Srenne” Tavrn (as to conviction under The Embezzlement and Larceny Act, 1861).— —‘‘ They order this matter better in France.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Maro 7, 1891.

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such as he had never anticipated. It is an old saying, and perhaps MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. (who knows ’) a truism, that virtue is its own not, perhaps, No. XV.—SONOGUN. the reward that ambitious people look for, but the easy te: a ta lal of superiority which comes to those who feel themselves to be on a (By Miss Repwa Tarat, Author of “ Wee Jew;" “A Lardy higher level than the rest of the world, which struggles on a lower Horseman” ; ‘ Spun by Prating,” dec., doe., de.) level. Another philosopher, nameless, but astrious, has declared, (“I think you will like this book,” writes the fair Author; “its tone is in burning words, that “‘ Honesty is the best policy,” in some form, elevated and its intention good. The philosophic infidel must be battered perhaps hardly understood now, but no less real because we are un- into belief by the aid of philosophy mingled with kindness. Take Renax, able to appraise it in the current coin of the realm over which Her Haxcxe., Huxuiey, Staaves, and Dearen—the I mean; itis quite Yost Gracious Majesty, whom ma Heaven e, holds sway, useless and might do harm to read their books,—shake up together and But Sowoeun had never thought of Heaven. To him. young, pro make into « paste, add some poetical excerpts of s moral tendency, and spread pijomy and moody, Heaven had seemed only — Several chapters thick over a violent lad under a sense of demerit justly scorned, f th \ ical disquisition omitted.—Ep.) click of the billiard Turn him out into the world, clean and return him to his ° eologt dequisition Omit . . > A _ true friends. Cards, race-meetings, and biili may be introduced ad lid., balls maddened him, the sight of a cue made him rave like a maniac, also passion, prejudice, a faithful dog, and an infant prattler. Death-scenes One evening he was walking homeward to Drury lane. He had form an effective relief. I have several which only need « touch or two to be given his coat to a hot-potato-man, deeming it, in his impulsive complete. That is the i 1 please the publishers and capture the public, way, a bitter satire on the world’s neglect, that the senseless tubers Try it, and let me know what you think.—R. T.”’) should have jackets, while their purveyor lacked a coat. The rain qomaniiiiniiiatiiitimaniti ee : was pouring _ but it Cuarren I. ” sida 7 mattered little to He Ab me, how shall we know the true, | Oe "a =ohad himself in that How mark the old, how fix the new? H ‘ . } | impenetrable mantle of cold Or teach the babe in arms to say, ; ‘ , | scorn, and thus he watched * Base, bald, bad begs avo cheap te- i) eee) 1 ae i" with a moody air the crowd of "Nann. The White Witch. ys Sonoeun scarcely knew what do. He had ing about the lanes fitful light b his magnificent eyes, his | we! a) my 1} tlemen. brow contracted until it assumed oi ha i. perceive,” began Sono- that peculiarly battered expres- i : , ‘that you hate the world, sion which is at once character- ' 1 \ | having suffered much injustice istic of a bent penny and con- M : at from it.” sistent with the most sublime ght J , ** Wedo; we have!” was the beauty. To be properly appre- i } thy A dial ciated he must be adequately rae “S , | UY, a Ly Sie Sonoeus, described. Imagine a | i > AT aly = ' | + ‘ i “*have many ces. But young man of twenty, who was L dh a } ; } tell me who what are you?” illed with the bitterest hatred wy, “ha ; “Our names are unknown of the world, which he had | (38 a + o even to ourselves,” replied his forsworn two pus an) on " +4 new friends, for friends he fel being expelled from for |i) e them to be. ‘* By profession we gambling. There was about |—iaeaaa 1 are industrial ts. That him an air of haughty reserve ° should be sufficient. and of indifference w was ; - ; “It is;—more than suifli- equally haughty. This it was | # 4 , ‘ cient,” said the proud, honour- his habit to assume in =: y ' able young man. “I will be to meet any neighbours who | (fit , er one of you. We will take it h to meet him, and the ~<a ; ' nl out of the world together.” result naturally was that he | [eee ; ; \. i: The ain thus made was was not so popular as some <q. oy soon ratified. They procured inferior beings who were less i 33 oo NN Sonocun whistled to his haughty. In fact he had a = =" s= \\ eee maee | dog Stray, and they all set out very short way with his rela- | < = | +P ui % together to the nearest railway tions, for whose benefit he kept = eae. mi ue | station to pick up their victims. a shell into which he frequently “ % a fh This is the usual method, and retired. He was dangerousl : = el | thus card-sharpers are manu- handsome, in the Italian style, ~~~ , — — factured. and often played five bars of music over and over Cuarrer’ III one finger, to please his mother. Some women thought he was an ‘ = oo ae ; Apollo, others described him as an Adonis, but everybody in- Nay, this is truth, though heart-strings break, variably ended or began by calling him an ancient Roman. He And youth with gloomy brows hears :— was sarcastic, satiric, and very strong. Indeed, on one occasion, | memes youee re chal pot make he absolutely broke the feathers on a hand-sereen, and on another | ok EE ee W. Brauw Soul-tatters. on yee oo ae -- ~ oy: — locking up. 1. In the present there is absolute sodengiion. Though a gulf should yawn, Be —~ supeved by tage th endiel br his” ped 7 go not you to sleep, but rub your eyes; be up and doing.—Jaxzs. and shunned by the society of the country-side, 1 was small wonder| Ix the meantime, Sonooun’s cousin, Acts Amgant, generally that the brave soul revolted against its fellow-men, and set its jaws | known to his jocular intimates as Knave Aunawr, had been living in a proud resolve to lash the unfeeling world with the contempt of a | in luxury with his cousin’s weak mother whom he had contrived to spirit bruised beyond the power of such lotions as the worldly-wise marry. To effect this, however, he had been compelled to tear « recommended for the occasion. He whistled to his dog Stray, and will into little pieces, and had, at the same time, ruined that peace clenched his fists in impotent anger. An expression of gentleness of his mind which he often gave to Sonocuw, The unfortunate stole over his features. The idea was ive. He, too, the | consequence was, that Sonocun did not value it in the least, and proud, the honourable, the upright would ict thus punish the | always returned it to him. And thus the relations of the two men, world. He looked imto his make-up box. It contained bitter| who should have been friends, the I= -;- detiance, seorn, and a card s pack of cards. He took | always on a hostile footing, which only the most di them out ; and thus Sonoeun, the ex atheist, made up his mind. | could have healed. Acis was not y- When his glass told him Co U |e wae ot, Bo bed no senenies B. fA a On th table of life the card fall in 8 tho posed hing | Ee Oe Se ae ae ee ee as on nm the green eo e in many ways, an ro ; i awa often has to bow his head before the meek and tee onn—tawee. fore Tay, 40. y 7 = Awp now began for Sowoecw a time of moral stress and torture| But, of course, Grapys and her father, the doctor, knew nothing

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efFe | | “RP PRS TSABPS FAZER SRS ISES TE 3? a i-) - |S SMSSBnsPRSSe SR them, but at inevitably have men to ye . P. er, at hetent be given at Ay OLD Cry Patriots). — the moody, gloomy, cast- hen ea ra andon the following day married GLaprs. THE END. Tux fencing Lecture, entitled, to have been so great a to have aroused the ire of some, Music-hall Mantes, » who earnestly contend that the Stage of the Theatre, that is, of the es for this statement, but accept. The Lecturer Marcy 7, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 113 shout all thie. Guanre alee ania Lage ire ye usher} SHAKSPEARE AND THE UNMUSICAL GLASSES. as possible, Ste wars puma itl ptent male, wn 6@ - yt, Earmno in his letter to the D. 7, complained that, should the escapement sathered together, including the inevitable infant, wheeo | the Os obtain their wicked way, the incompetence of prattle serves to soothe the perversity of masee bene th such an ening as this Sonocuw had seen all years ago, and, and all the windows were “ QUITE NEW AND ORIGINAL.” aliliel, The 0D a dsmanship, wems Infants in Arms. M.N.A.S. no datat date ive atone of our mow a lecture, the Tickets, ¢ oF to ‘be obtained at the “fio The subject « Juliet. 0, Coa Romso! wherefore art thou, Romo?” &o. The Umpire Theatre ednesday, at the Lyceum, as a ery aioe, TERRY no objection to oy or - theatre, and his - pe Will it cof this me, one hae hitherto entertainment, | Suppose & Shakspearian pla given without ‘illustrated with more, perhaps, iD| (17, one pays any attention. Attendant sees a mild man stening as keeping with theatrical sens , earnestly as he can to the picy. .) Did you order a sling, Sirf Earnest Listener (i nd the Drama, ‘i oe ee ne ee wl “R hall I hear shall I t this?” ll draw the attention omeo (aside). 8 more, Or speak a of ‘his a audien co to what somos! othe his Bibry of the Stage, ney. Bosited Kometony (~ distant me b to Second Attendant). ene ie he the ‘world, would have occurred if | Mt ond atendan h relieved). Oh, it? D’you mind Boz ingly a8 to Coz had OTST ean!” Bec 1 A nt (much r e you was # i and had scone ey Ce at Pictoich “tato| szetehin’ eerome—— (To gorgeous, ovemsng¥-eirs Lady, in row sci, Come on!” an invi-| Detceen). Boe Pater” uy disturbed). Sho’ spill it—you'll opi ee — yo bound in to ay ~and A y show how" to make « hi hit,” it—— CHARLEY , wh ‘ae and give an exam fm he ee ek es 4. nia Charles (her ate. a. The Lecture will jateaspeseed wi with songs, such and Blue Eyes,” “ Hi and Glove,” “ Ring! ing!” “* Hyman to Floorer” tng from Fou “Fochape fhe next Black Bye A Few Ancient laygoers. Sesh ! Regviven ( “2 Berlin! a Berlin!” speech. , d\| Andsof ad libitum. The same igo ov to the French Painters an 80 1 of the pvt be The Churchwarden Ya. “Oan you play upon this pipe?” very well. However, we've had this discussion before. which, though | gcewe Il.— Capulet’s cade agg Romeo’s iy one, t perhaps, produced a thirstuness among the audience, result geenes, wae Ye ing in several orders for drinks having been given, JULIET appears on balcony. « Julie AL, me!” the gaat and striking of matches. ** Romeo, It is highly probable ust| Fascinating Female diondeed in iy Stalls One whiskey, Bir # defensive subject ** Romeo. Oh, speak Beta N ht angel!” will be followed Thirsty raw in , 4 tne | Aad quick. other lectures ** Romeo inuing). is a winged messenger of by Second pl eereting! Aitendent seks Gent ordered sling ? ). No, no—I don’t want anything. ithin certain circles as The ost popular | 2 ¥ & lost the last last part of Romno’s speech. "(eel himae ep Aree’ further distractions, and tries to concen- attention on the four choristers, "oh fo. tst-O'e Retr — j — an Lecture on the same subject C rac hr. Jencinating ape slong front ow of matches, and other accompaniments os "Jou done, in emeke? dtu ths poopesel exo

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Marca 7, 1891, _ LW TWaryiyr«' 4° T “INVITATION A LA VALSE.” She. “‘ But you pon’t know my Name! WHat HAVE YOU PUT DOWN oy your Curr?” VTIrC\XT Wry .” He, “Oa, I’ve ruc pown ‘Peart NeckLace, She. ‘‘ Bur THeRe ARE LOTs OF PeaRL NECKLACES HERE!” He. “Yus; put 1’ve also puT Down ‘SMALL AND RATHER TicnhtT’—I mean THE NECKLACE, You KNOW!” ii But we want to catch that Whale, That ’s how we angled for that Whale, TKE CREAT WHALING EXPEDITIOV. Deum hewat Seems ys! LaTEstT Version, We want to catch that Whale! That’s how we angled for that Whale! By Bray (H. Sworn), the (St. Stephen's) | ss Young Guanporrn® has kep’ a lock-out, | He lashed, and he dashed, and he splashed, _ Brave boys! Brave boys! Twas in N any One, d’ye see, Wich it weren’t of no awa-a-a-il. And he spouted on a werry big sca-a-a-le. 7 srave boys! Brum Jorr*, no doubt, ut the skipper, he still held on, With Sorty I did sa-a-a-ail, Is a-cruisin’ about, And that sprat what I have telled on, When one Monday night Bat they mustn't catch that Whale, I dangled,—for to catch that Whale, We went out—not to fight, Brave boys! Brave boys! But we went ns ~~ a Whale. No, they mustn't catch that Whale.” I dangled,—for to cateh that Whale! rave s! osc ‘ 4 —_— We went for to catch a Whale! There was only me and Sotty, Strike! turn yer winch, yon in yer line! Brave boys ! ’ rave boys , m | There was dirty weather about, In that boat, with never a sa-a-a-il ; (Sings out Sorry) and yer prize you'll ; Brave boys! And, it may seem folly, na-a-a-il!” ‘ Trade-winds was blowin’ a ga-a-a-le, Bat we both was jolly, Then a rummy thing did ’appen When the expe sings out, For we meant for to catch that Whale, Wich amazed me and the Cap’en; ton As = chop ee . Brave boys I struck,— but ~ did oe Whale, * My eyes! there goes such a e! > y ! rave boys ! . Brave _ Wish 1* We meant for to catch Ghat Whale I struck—but so did that Whale ! ) l ! } ear eyes! there goes such a © No harpoon, or such tackle we took, We found he was the better at a Strike, It were the whoppingest Whale, — a eer Brave boys! {ta-a-a-il. -_ Brave boys! For wo knowed they was noava-a-e-il. | Phwisk! He hit us such a wallop with his As ever whisked 0 te-e-e-il ; For that Whale—with a hook. With my hook, eprat, tackle too In the trough o” the sea That’s how we went for that Whale He just vanished from our view. sane? a ope Lapouring foes, 5 Brave boys ! 4 So—we ao — that Whale, nd a lashin’ the waves like a flail, ’ ' rave boys! 2 Brave boys! That ’s how we went for that Whale! a~we heveiiena onught that Whale! A lashin’ the waves like a flail. We knowed that a sprat was the bait, We had heard o’ that Whale afore, What meee bo P 7 Sarppine Inretiiaence.—The name of the Brave boys ! =. 7 — - a-2-a-l. | unknown steamer laden with gam; and Says Sour, “ 1’ll go ba-a-a-ail, While sprat he tn ~" ivory,” reported as having passed dowa the The Rads would roar t SoLLY, he rowed, Congo last week, has been Secovened to be If that monster they sor-r ! ® Supposed to be rival whaling captains. The Dentist. “TT °* rywriytyyy aa |

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V5, iss Uf, ; AY, | Wy, y, , ai 7, N | ay) y wh Mi | HOUVYK—TYVAINVHO NOGNOI @ZHL HO ‘HONDd | ®M } oO | | > _ | 3 _— - | > _ EQ | — | > _ = —_— > - L68I 7 uv ol

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Marcu 7, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PLT Cae Pu) t) “i! a if! ui Nal Be “iY iY VET, a” le fans | K ha \ ; 't L 5 p= yt _ '] . yj)! (I { s \ ; a SUI rl a" Wie a i =))\ "9 it | ly rh ~~ | S\N EF " \Wy p>’ Ny ft A ? Cie MOST EXTRAORDINARY. tea of 7 "Now, How THE DEUCE DID MY HaT MANAGE 10 OzT UP THERE!” Hukiewaukie (then a mere; out leaving any address to which house of terutiny. All her conjugal Colonel was nowhere waite found, in the wearing of widow’s registrar’s office went on, and five Mrs. Dips to the Colonel Dises was discovered sues, the well-knews ay e Fi treet Saloon, dri explanation followed. A ocr somest manner, offered to lonel’s spouse. The Finally it was decided to spin a An inopportune gust of wind, and the momentous i seventh scion of the g this a test case. engaged in exercising his trou main street, two of the y tm which has usually been A general stampede of the majority finding Columbia. Mayor » would five-dollar green- however, carried off the fateful announced his intention of continuing a bachelor, fight the matter up to the Supreme Court, and = inhabitants of the town are willing to support him, wi found sufficient for their inhabitants immediately in the bar of the recently constructed DERLEY and his amiable consort were, how- THE LATEST IN TELEGRAMS, (See Daily Papers passim.) (ALL FroM THE Razzix-Dazziz AcENcy.} Hoxiewavxir, February 28. Aw extraordinary incident has just stirred the heart of this populous Western centre to its depths. Some fifteen years Colonel Zacuary B. Dress, one of prominen: collection of log-huts), disappeared with- e most t citizens of his letters and papers were to be forwarded. Mrs. Dress, who was then about to give birth to the weeds, b a Deputy Oxtanpvo T. Sravuceies. Time rishing StruceLEsEs were added by the former population of the town. On Thursday last, however, Son em, . JERNIAH N, hn - is familiar seat in rum-shrub out of a tumbler. An Ay aye he possession hear of this. for the lady. money Colonel even if he has to po an a view 2. Moncnavsenvitiz, Mare YusrerpaY, as one of the chief tiger-purveyors of this city was of fiery, untamed ti in the t. followed, the Hotel he yg Ro ay y of performing ie wo denizens 0 ungle for a coup! es, whose apes ae gee much = a an © it happened, were a‘ precise moment expected on their return from the post-office, with the Mayor’s mail in their mouths—a trick which had often amused the Mayor's fri Mr. MappExiey advanced to stroke his supposed and was much surprised to find himself torn in pieces before he time to send for the city mace. Mrs, ~-T + * ont plethoric lady, would ae non victim she not, with ex presence of min declared herself dead the moment the animals her. This deceit (which, however, has been the subject of grave censure in many pulpits,) saved her life. Maddened by the taste of blood, the tigers next attacked Mr. Lansat’s grocery store. Here, however, they met their match in an army of cheeses, which broke from their shelves, attacked the intruders with wonderful fury, and in ten minutes had so far subdued them that their owner was able to recapture thames and lead them home. The LEY’s shoes his umbrella— —have just taken place amidst universal demonstrations of sympathy. The funeral cortege took an hour to © given pein’. Widow Map- DEELEY proposes to sue the owner of her ’s assassins. Lyycuvittz, March 3. Two named respectively Jouw and Tuomas, brothers, here yesterday about the their revolvers at the same instan’ has | BOee* ene

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——— [Marcu 7, 1891, | / SSS AAS OAS \\ \ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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Marcu 7, 1891.]}

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

———————————— “LA RIXE.” (IRISH DONNYBROOK VERSION.) Atn—'' Packington’s Pound.” Oirish Gentleman loquitur :— Spitt mugs, chairs fallen, and scattered tables, — That ’s Oirish shindy, me bhoys, all over! “ Union of Hearts” and such plisant fables, Won't oan r the free-foight lover. t do you mean, Ye paltry spal ? True Oirish hebrts from Old England to wean ? Faix, nota bit of it! We’ll jist have none of it! They ’re foighting frindly, and jist for the fun of it ! There’s bould Panwett, he looks fierce and fell, Wid his savage face, his snickersee steely. Faix, wouldn’t he loike that same to stroike All into the gizzard of Misther Hearty ? He looks so sullen At the pair a pullin’ At his sinewy arm, and his onset mullin’! That thraitor, Tim, he’d be having his will on, But for tearful O’Brren, and dismal Ditton. As for tarin’ Tim, he’d be hot at Aim, Wid his ready sword from its scabbard flashin’ ! But that meddlin’ Justin will be a thrustin’ Himself betune ’em, the duel dashin’ ! Och, I assure ye, Nor judge nor jury Could abate their ardour, or assuage their fary. Faix, Mount Vaysuvius, wid its flame and smother, Must take a back sate—whin ‘hey get at each other ! Och! a rale ruction hath a swate reduction, For us Oirish, But, though it mayn’t be your way. PARNELL’8 a rum and he seems to ‘‘ scumfish ”’ That Grand Ould Gintleman paping in at the doorway. Ye ma it ** Rize,” Its ee ee ae loctot th icks | mayning; a plague on glot thricks ! Sthand pS ’Brixw, Ditton, McCsern y! let ’em foight it out—shure that’s Oirish and hearthy !

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary oF Tony, M.P. _House of Commons, Monday, February 23.—House empty to- niglt. Even the fog keeps out ; nothing more important under con- sideration than Army Vote, including expenditure of £5,632,700, ‘ And precious little too,” says Colonel Lame, wee sentry aaah . Y the Abby. “* es going up everywhere! labour of a coaae Le id on higher scale than it used to be; but Tommy ATxINs and his Colonel getting just the same now as they did twent jears ago, when living was muc cheaper. There ought to be a rise all round, and so there would be, if the | Army, following example of other | organised bodies of day labourers, = to i — 5? —- it ess; 8 begin at Why shouldn’t the Colonels s assemble in their hundreds, a to Hyde ap where — ress rom a stoutly- made tub? Moral effect would enormous; shall certainly mention it at Mess. Perhaps, could get some practical hints from Jouw Borns.” These remarks dropped by the Colo- nel before debate opened. ing its

“ And precious little too.” maid ce eanisation of Naval and on Departments? SranHore Chief, i . Swaee upon Rane ig in post of Commander-in- t berth empty, the machine would move. No chance

j Wl vi Aad ee

AN IMPORTANT PERSON. ‘Is Dra. Jones in Town!” ‘*Yesstn, Have you AN APPOINTMENT!” ‘*No; I pip NOT THINK IT NecessaRyY. THE Last Time I CALLED I HAD NO APPOINTMENT, AND SAW HIM WITHOUT ANY DIFFICULTY.” ‘* PossrpLy so, Sin, I paRgsay J wasn’t BUSY THAT Moxwixa |”

of immediate vacancy ; the Doox very comfortable where he is; not the sort of man to retire in face of enemy. The only way to carry out scheme recommended by Commissioners after p inquiry was to get rid of the Doox. **T do trust,” said Srannore, winking at the 8 ’ Gallery ‘*that the public will not interfere in this matter, They have had the Report of the Commission in their hands for months. They have taken no notice of it, or any action upon it. I do now their attention has been called to the matter by my le and Radical friend opposite, they will not get up a fuss and insist that necessary and important reforms in the Army shall not be indefinitely postponed in order that the Doox may draw his salary and enjoy his position. If the pa my mass of public opinion outside the Army plainly declared their wishes in that direction, we should have to yield ; but, as I said before,” and once more the Secretary furtivel dropped his left eyelid as he looked up at the Strangers’ “hee hope the public will not change their attitude on this subject.” *That’s all very well,” said Lavere, who had now entered the “ But it seems to me that when H.R.H. reads this curious speech, he'll be more inclined to fall in with our movement. In my mind’s eye, I can already see him on the tub in Hyde Park, haranguing the mob of Colonels from under an umbrella.’ Business done.—Army Estimates in Committee. Tuesday.— Decidedly a Labour night, with Capital incidentally mention First, OLp Moratiry announces intment of Koyal Commission to inquire into relations between tal and Labour. His placid mind evidently disturbed by undesirable coincidence. Saturday night, Grawpotra, calieoey remembering he had con- stituents at West Paddington, took a penny Road Car, and paid

[them visit. Delivered luminous speech on things in general.

Page 162

120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Maron 7, 189], —— Recommended appointment of Royal Commission on relations between Labour and Capital. To uninstructed mind looks uncom- monly like as if Ministers, reading this speech on Monday morning, had said to each other, “‘ Halloa! here ’s Rawpoira in the field again. Says we must have Labour Commission ; su we must,” othing of the kind happened. Cabinet il met at noon on Saturday and decided upon al Commission. Gnrawypotrn didn’t — for some hours later. that he should have hit on this Sommission busines; just like his general awkwardness of inter- ference. Must t all possibility of mistake; so Ory Moratirr, in announcing mission, innocently, but pointedly, stops by the way to mention that Ministers had epg a it “‘last Saturday.” ish Gaawpotrm had been here; like to have seen the twinkle in his eye when he heard this little point made. But GRANDOLPA is outfit. Secret busy down by the Docks, ing up ee ae GRANDOLPH | had off to the gold-diggings, and beard usually worn there. Hardly knew him when I looked in the other day at Connaught Place ; trying on his new things ; pair of rough unpolished boots coming over his knees ; belt round his waist holding up his trousers and conveniently sus- pending jacknife, tin pannikin, and water-bottle. ‘‘ For use on the voyage,” he explains. Then a flannel shirt open at the neck ; a wide- awake cocked on one side of his head ; and a pickaxe on his shoulder. “I’m tired of civilisation, Tony, and I am off to the diggins. Leave you and Otp Moratiry, and the Marxiss and Jacony to look after politics. As for me, I’m going to look for gold. I’m not rushing blindfold into the matter. I've studied it with the highest and the d authorities—and what do I learn? Native goid is found ery i in the forms of the octahedron, the cube, and the dodecahedron, of which the cube is considered as the primary form. It also occurs in filiform, capillary, and arborescent shapes, as likewise in leaves or mem rolled masses. It offers no indications of internal structure, but, on being separated by mechanical violence, exhibits a hackly fracture. Its com- prises various shades of gold yellow. Jts specific gravity varies from 14°8 to 19°2. It is commonly alloyed by copper, silver, and iron, in v small ions. I mean, if I may say so, to unalloy it” ; oat swinging the pick round his head with a dexterity that testified to ‘natural aptitude combined with diligent practice, GranpoLrx chipped a fragment out of the marble = and, picking it up, eagerly examined it, as if in search of a y fracture. I wished him good luck, and went back to the House, where 1 found Brv- ‘ DULPH smiling behind Srzaxer's chair, watching AT«rnson illustrating the work- ing of his Duration of Speeches Bill by ringing a muffin-bell, borrowed from a Constituent. Business done.— Miscellaneous. Thursday.—Should have been at work to-night on Army Estimates ; but things getting a little mixed. Nearly 150 Mem- picknicking at Portsmouth ; all the Colonels, the Bo’suns, the Captains, and the Admirals. “Capital opportunity to on with the Estimates,” Jackson whispered in Op Moratiry’s ear. **No,” said that pink of chivalry, “I will never take mean advantage of a man, even of an Admiral. Let us put on Se + mene Workshops ‘al they won't 4 e long; keep us going get back from Portamouth.” So Home Secretary moved Second Reading. ‘* Mere formality, you know,” he explained ; ‘‘ shall refer Bill to Com- mittee on Trade it wi thrashed out and shaped.” But flood- gates once opened not easily shut. The Westie want Westra ass orking-Man ; Working-Man Vote; a ; pm General Election not far off ; must show That evening bell ! Working-Man who’s his true friend. Everybody his true friend. Speeches by the dozen; Comprom, after long sitting in patient attitude at last caught Srrager’s eye. ‘‘ A milk-and-water Bill,” he seornfully ised Home SecreraRy’s measure. “‘Ah! Comprow knows what the Working-Man likes,” said Witrarp Lawson, ‘ A rum-and-milk Bill is more to Ais taste.” Lyow Priayrare delivered one of his luminous ; reference to *‘ certifying ” and ‘half-time children.” - Mh 8 half-time chi ‘a I asked ages leg oe gee ** Fancy it’s one prematurely born,” he whispered back. ‘‘ But really don't know; not on in this seene; ask MUNDELLA or “4 Lyow Prarrare knew all about it and much else. Lectures ; full of | “* Wonderfal man! ” said the Member for Saux, gazing admiri on his massive brow. ‘* Always reminds me of what Srpwer oe said about another eminent person. ‘Look at my little friend J xp. rrey. He hasn’t body enough to cover his mind decently with. His intellect is indecently exposed.’ ”’ Business done. — Factory and Workshops Bill read a Second Time, Friday. — Provan brought on Motion raising vexed question of Taxation of Land. Op Moratirr always on look-out to do kind thing; thought this would be good oppor- tunity of trotting out CHapLin ; no chance of distinguishing himself since he became Minister. So CHAPLIN put up; made melli- flaous speech. Unfortunately, Mr. G. present ; listened to Cuar- LIN with suspicious suavity; fol- lowed him, and, as Jemmy Low- THER puts it, ‘‘ turned him inside out, and hung him up to dry.” Played with him like a cat with a mouse ; drew him out into damag- ing statements; then danced on his prostrate body. About the worst quarter of an hour CHAPLIN ever had in House, with Joxem on one side of him, and Otp Mora- Lity on other, tossing about on their seats, exchanging groans and glances, while CHaPLin mopped the massive brow on which stood forth iridescent g of moisture, *‘ Meant it all for the best,” said Orp Morauiry; ‘‘but who'd have thor.ght of Mr. G. being here? CHapiin’sa great Minister of Agriculture; but, when it comes to questions of finance, not quite jon a par with Mr. G.” Business done.—House Counted Out. CHAMBERS IN 8T. JAMES’S STREET. | Tne Ipter, by Happow CHamMBeERs, is a mel good peg thoroughly interesting from the rising to the setting of the in. The parts are | artistically adjusted, the dialogue unforced, the acting un-stagey, and the situations powerfully dramatic. The climax is reached at the | ** psychological moment,” and the Curtain descends upon all that a | sympathetic audience can possibly desire to know of what must be once | and for all the story of a life-time. ‘‘ The rest is silence.” Through- | out the play there is no parade of false sentimentality, no taw virtue, no copy-book morality, no vicious silliness ; and, so well con- | structed is the plot, that there is no need of a wearisome extra Act, | by way of postscript, to tell us how all the c met again at the | North Pole or Land’s End; how everybody explained everything to everybody else; how the Idler, becoming a busy-body, married the | widow of Sir John Harding, M.P., who had e misfortune to be drowned out shrimping ; and how many other matters which the wearied audience would not care one snap of the thumb. On another occasion I shall have something to sa acting, which, as far as the men are concerned, has certainly not been equalled sinee the days of Peril. The St. James’s is in for a good thing with Zhe Idler ; and at this moment I may say, I would be ALEXANDER were I not, briefly, Drocenrzs “Tus Tusmay,” B.C.L. Actine—on 4 Svccrstion.— The Woman, always well informed, tells us on February 26, that, “‘owing to numerous applications,” Mr. C. T. Guerw is negotiating for the Royalty Theatre, in order to give another Ibsenian performance. Now this is exactly what we suggested in our number for February 14. If the date suits, we will go and see Ghosts, and, if we succeed in keeping up our spirits after seeing Ghosts, we will give a candid opinion on the performance of the piece which hitherto we know only in print. En attendant, we shall have something to say about the recent performance of that piece of Ibsenity A Doll’s House—in our next, Wuar’s mw a Name?—On the recent occasion of the Quexn’s visit to Portsmouth, no one of the officials seems to have been more on the alert and more generally alive than Mr. DeaDaan, the Chief Constructor of the Yard. “Ew rreznvm Crisprxvs!”—Hamlet on the real distinction between Theatres and Music Halle— “To B. (and 8.) or not to B. (and 8.) that is the question!” Happy Prospecr,—The Wild Birds, if the Bill for their protes- tion becomes law, will remember the Session of 1891 as a year of Pease and Quiet. €>P NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, cr Pictures of any description, im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception will rule To this

Page 163

“ @&BSEBRRSSSESST (MS 1 SOS a Ses Sse S =o

. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mancu 7, 1891.

bottle, as a sample, ws ere sage py address on receipt of PO. for 4¢. Bd. RICHD. MATHEWS. & 90, yd B, HART ST., BLOOMS Soda assur Mngqae thre

{UD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878, KINAHAN’S -rx¢ PURE, MILD, AND ~ i a ay Whi paticiovs ix MO wh LLBOMR,

WHISKY. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1866. GUILDFORD STREET, YORK ROAD) LAMBETH, 8.E.

EERINGS scaa. <a (ERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur, a). EXSHAW & COS FINEST OLD BRANDY. 8s. per dos. vag as im por TW. Brarieron & Co

23. Megent 96 Street. W. The Real “Cup o’ Kindness.” A Perfect Biending of the CHOICEST BRANDS of the Highest Classes of Fine Old Whiskies, in their Native Purity, as produced in Scotland. B.O.S. BLENDED OLD sCOTCH Twelve Years Old, 60s. por dos. Tight 4 Tive Ld ” 4 Carriage Paid on Orders of 1 dos. ond upwards, The Proprietors are skilled blenders of Scotch Whiskies; and so confident are they of ite eens “= yn =6by § «©6Connolsseurs, that will send a single oy ttle, Carriage Paid, anywhere in the Uni ae K on receipt of 4s. é4., *., and 3s. 64. respectiv vely

Ny PEASE, SOM, & CO., LEITH, SCOTLAND, ENGLISH ADDKESSES, LONDON and DARLINGTON, Bsrancisnep 1806, Please mention © Punch” when ordering.

ya ETan | ECTION FIRE PROTE UETUIN

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W. DOYLb, 3, Crutched Friars. London, #.C. The'Acaric’' [ae

sits so ae onthe shoul- ders and is ae Special at- wa tention is so elastic called also athe an 3 to the little a Sai Y clip for sup- atrain, it % porting the bie strain, it is virtually 4 impercepti- ble to the wearer. drawers, v. $%- *¥rrrarep pea? The Best Present A WOMAN can giro A MAN. OF ALL HOSLERS EVERYWHERE, Wholesale of any of the Leading Hosiery Houses. Wess any Sieeity in obtaining, send Postal Order oe Central Depot, 6, _Enitip Fane, oogrn For PLEASURE and PROFIT. FRUIT Nothing 20 Profitable and Easy to Grow. 74 ACRES IN STOCK. See CATALOGUES for Simple In-tructions ané kinds of Trees to suit ali Soils. ROSES ans ACRES BUSHES, per doz. ; ont. ands, 2is. eA don. ; lave per 100. (Our Packing and Cecriins Free for Cash with order, ROSES IN POTS, trom 15s, por dos, ORNAMENTAL TREES @1 ACHES. FOUR ACRES OF GLARE. CLEMATIS (60.000), 12s, 18s., and 96s. per dos SEEDS AND bU es Veoursms Piowen, axe Faam. Descriptive Lists Pree. RICHARD SMITH & CO., Worcester. HOP, TEA A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, prepared under Swettmme’s Patents. Improves the fi:vour of tes, assists Gigestion. SOLD retail by all Grocers, THE HOP TRA CO., Lm, 8ST. GEORGE'S HOUSE, EASTCHEAP. 4.4, a4 1 1d. samples, with testimonials, &c., will be sent on receipt of P.0.0. THE DEAF MAY HEAR, oF y

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Page 164

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Mancu 7, 1891.

rrr

“errr ~~ were wT )

“Panty oer Sraart Omit of He of Be 8 , ae ros the Oty Wf Lenton, ane Publishes OY Lim Etna. te: Vinet Utseet, in the Perish of BK Buide! Gnty of Lenton -Savwnsat, » pues .ae. uae PUBLIBHEO EVERY SATURDAY.

¢ Ay

Page 165

> « i¢) « 2 be gc i* wi? > wilt fe) w Z ® J o > a

VOLUME ONE HUNDRED —e— MARCH 14, yo 7 eS iis ap yas te we Any Fi ci be f “ee AAS et < f ey "PUNCH OFFICE, 85, a STREET. AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.

VINOLIA SOAPS

“SON3d 3IUNL BOING

Page 166

,

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Mancu 14, 1891.

WHAT NOVELS Cive Real Pleasure, When | am very ill indeed, | can read Scott's Novels; they are almost the only books | can read.” Coleridge. NOW PUBLISHING IN MONTHLY VYOLUMBES. NEW POPULAR EDITION THE WAVERLEY NOVELS. Br SIR WALTSR SCOTT, Bast. (Copyright ) INTRODUCTORY VIGNETTES AND SPECIAL GLOS*AR(ES Price Sixpence each. *.* Age for the Copyright Edition vw A. & C. BLACK of Boho Square, and Pain burgh POPULAR HwITion Price 3s. 60 A ROMANCE OF THE GAPE FRONTIER By BERTRAM MITPOR!. Author of “ Through the Ba'u (ountry.” “ The Weir 4 ef Deadly Hollow” “The love story ls a particularily plessing one."~ Acapent “We pause acain ont again te think over the Mfe-like pervomages Who set in it and the vivid scenes neturel and Semen. im whick it is trans- acted “Warr rematt Kev AS aw story _] very graphically and vigorously Redford *t., W.0 wit

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TURKISH PASTILS al travels few things as more MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS

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Page 167

JATION, RY snp ERCHE ERATE Manon 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | ——__—— SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH’S SCAMP-ALBUM. No. II].—Tue Brocrapuer. We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take a farther flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, who has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of a suburban villa—let us say at Norwood. You ure in your dining-room, examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather ds up, og will take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you are told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you “‘on particular busi- ness.” The very word excites you, not unpleasantly, nor do you care whether it is Church- warden’s business, or the District Board, or the County Council—it is enough that ror experience and prac- are in ye alle better still, it will give you some- thing to do. So, after a delay due to your own im- portance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, with red whiskers and a flexible mouth. ab- sorbed in docu- olenakt i rought wit! — in a black will iy crossing. Mr. “ isi ” ARE ANE, Your Visitor has his Note-book out. I think?” he says. “Just so. Well, Mr. Manx Lawz, I consider myself extremely fortunate in finding you at home, I assure you, and a knowledge of affairs | Thank **T am by no means sure that does not appeal to the popular imagination as others | do—he is jest 5 ttle commenpiocs!” should feel it an honour, indeed, if such would give me all the personal indemation on “ luxurious and artistic domestic fi invaluable! I do trust that you this, you cannot, for your own sake, soon has his note-book out.) ** you as an infant, Mr. Lane? A aversion to an antipathy to black-beetles—both which you you, very much. And ou were educated? At Dal- borough Grammar School? Just so! Never took to Latin, or learned Greek? Commercial itudes d ing themselves us early — curious, indeed ! Entered your father’s office as clerk ? Became a partner? Married your present lady— when? In 1860? Exactly !— —- have savoring P P. ~ a subsequent life comparatively uneventful? That will do ad- a obliged to §¢ you, I am sure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy of the work, when issued, forwarded to you —we can do it for you at the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance— - charming place you have here—abundant evidence of a refined cultivated mind, excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I may say so, elegant in the extreme—as was to be expected! Even from the cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lend itself admirably to picturesque des- cription—which brings me to the object of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. Laws, in the hope of eliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compili work which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your wide culture and interest in literary matters.” (Here you will look as judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a new Ency- clopedia, or an illustrated edition of SuaKsPEARE’s works.) ‘* The work I allude to, Mr. Lawe, is entitled, Notable Nonentities of Norwood and its Neighbourhood.” (Here you will nod gravely, rather taken by the title.) ‘‘1t will be published very shortly, by subscription, Mr. Lane, in two e quarto volumes, got up in the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been lon wanted, and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely ’ of every living celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present be embellished wi date, PA... wa ~ illustrations, printed by an entirely new process u) ia and Japanese paper ; everything —type, paper, will be of the best procurable ; the ink, 7 blishers being determined to spare no expense in making it a to cupthinn of the kind qeovloushy attempted!” (As he pauses for breath, you will take occasion to poo dpe no fry Boge a work, as he penteaa eaten, will be - excellent thing— that, for your own , you can dispense wit any information respecting the Notabilition of Norwood, and, m short, that if he will excuse you—) Pardon me, Mr. Laws,” he interrupts, “‘ you mistake my object. I should not dream of expecting to to such a work. But, in my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone that care and research can effect to render the work complete —and it would be incomplete were it to include no reference to so distinguished a resident as 1” (Oh, pooh—nonsense!” You will say at this—but will sit down again.) ‘* Norwood is & singularly favoured locality, ite ced fle ry rnd ay Tae by the ay it Yo ar seated % ery -o-, way, are uain' with Alderman, Minomte? = : ~ bee enough to furnish me many interesting details is personal career, a of him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of ‘The Druggeries,’ and a bit from the back-garden.” (You do know Mincixc—and you cannot It is my ambition to make it a my biographical compendium | rect, a gratifying possession for your children after you have gone, Mr. Lane! { may put you down? Thank you. For two copies?” (On second thoughts, you do order two copies; you can send one out to your married Sister in Austra- lia—tt will amuse her.) ** One, two, three, four gui- neas — quite cor- r. Lane, ~—" “You may bave to wait.” and you shall have an early opportunity of revising a proof, and we will an down a competent ho ig a day or two, to take the tographs. Quite an agreeable change in the weather, is it not? Good dayi”’ - ‘ He is gone, leaving you to wait for the Shrewd fi help inwardly wondering at the absurd vanil ’ y, away from the City!) ‘ Between ourselves,” says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed your expression, Alderman Mrycrve as much space as I fear he will consider entitled to. Alderman Miycine, though a highly respectable man, could men ellow, this!” you think to yourself —** Got Minctno’s measure/”) “ But I ourself, now, proper to make public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood ean do in this house, Sir, would be Sirst, you suggest that you must talk it fey our Wih bt ’ over your ‘e— ou presently see that if Mincine and men o that caliive ave to be de aloof, and so your Visitor Any remarkable traits recorded of porridge, and still retain ? f, and the photo her, and the appearance of that great work, Notable Nonentities of Meuced--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait a considerable time. Iago on the Great Sermon Question. Goop name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public, Is the immediate jewel of their souls. Who steals my sermon, trash ; tis something, nothing ; steals ; ’T was mine, ’tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens ; But he who “splits” on me as plagiarist, Robe uo of that which is no good to him, And leaves me poor—in credit. . “Ww we Wanper,” &.—A new book of advice for intending Travellers has recently been published, entitled, ‘‘ Where to Stay. uch It is both ornamental and usefal; but so m and means, that, after careful ———_ = Boy Tsked “ Where to Stay,” considers the always be, “* At home.” VOL, 6, M *y elirnthen cee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Marcn 14, 189), | “ CHUCKED!” [“ The Beokmekers are in consternation, the Chamber having yest:rday werry salt of life. Yah’ This here Moral game is, (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, rejected a Bill gettin’ played down to legeliving the pari mutuel, and tte Government having pledged iteelf to enforce the law egainst gambling.”—Zimes darned low for anythink. laria € orrespondent. } The Bookie, *‘ ALL BIGHT, Mossoo, I’m or¥ TO ExcLanp ! (Zxtract of Letter from Dicky Dippivm, Bookmaker, Paris, to Bounpine Bon, ditto, Newmarket.) *.... Our game here a pe to be as decidedly Aup as the top of the Awful Tower! gular mugs, these Mossoos, after all. Thought we Aad taught ’em a bit about Ler Sport by this time: but, bless yer, Bos, once a Pollyvoo, always a Pollyvoo! He Vuadty really hunderstands a ’Oss, or knows ’ow to make a “Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County Councils, dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the Detective bizoess in their own droring-rooms, -y soon there won’t be a safe look in for a party as wants to do a nice little flutter— unless, of course, he ’s a Stock-Exchange spekkylator, or a hin- vester in South American Mines. Then Te can plunge, , and jockey the jugginses as much as he’s a pind t to. Wonder bow that bloomin’ French Bourse 'ud get along without a bit o’ the pitch-and-toss barney, as every man as i a men finds the And wot’s it mean, arter all? Why, * No Nanghti- | ness, except for the Nobs!’ | That’s about the exact | tize of it, and it’s blazing beastly, Bos! ** Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mosu| o’ sense, fur as J see. A certain Mossoo per Kerr- sEev, a Republican, too, bless his boko! taid as * races were essential to ’orsebreeding, and that without betting there would be no races.’ 0. K. you are, Mossoo per K.' And then they up ond chuck hus Bookits! \, bookies, no betting; m betting, no races; 10 racing, no ’osses ; no’ osses no nothink! That’s how it runs, Bos, or I’m a sossidge | ** But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for anythink. Look at the kiddish kick-up along 0’ the ee the Hempress! Why, if we ’ad that duffer, Denovutipe, on Newmarket ‘Eath, we should just duck him ina ’orsepond, like a copped Welsher. Here they wash- up him, or else knuckle under to him, like a skeery Coster’s missus when her old man’s on the maw, and feels round arter her ribs with his bloomin’ high- lows. That’s yer high- lite French Artists and rave booky - banisbin’ Dippyties! Yah! ***O waomever, I suppose, Bos, I must clear out of this. Mossoo Consrans, he eaid, ‘if the Bill were carried there would be an end to bookmakers.’ And it was carried, by 340 mugs against 144 right ‘uns. And arter all me and my sort has done for Parry! It’s mean, that’s wot it is, | Bos. P'raps they ’!l chuck | British Soe eys next! _ good their Grong Pree, | ancetrer, will be then, my boy. Our ’osses, our joo- , , - keys, and our bookies has THEBE's XO PLACE Like ’OmE ! bin the making of French Sport,—and werry nice little pickings there’s bin out of it. take it all round. Wot’ll Ler Hig Life, and Hart, and Leagues o’ Patriots, and miles o’ bullyvards, and x’s Tourists and Awful Towers do for Parry without hus, I wonder? We shall see’ Ah, Madame lar Republick, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your bullyin’ jondarms, for chucking o’ me afore you ’re through. As Mat Mopvs pat it:— It was all werry well to dissemble yer love, But wy did yer kick me down-stairs ? Chucked it is, though, and I shal! probably see yer next week, Bos. » Thanks be, the Flat Season’s at ’and! Arter all, there's no place like ’ome! No!— "Mid Boises and Ballyvards tho’ we may roam, Be it hever so foggy, there’s no place ome ; A smile from the Swells seems to ’allow sport there, Wich, look where you will, isn’t met with elsewhere. Ome,’ome, Sweet, sweet ’ome, — Be it hever so fog-bound, there’s no place like ’ome ! i on aint ee ee a ee ee ee ee ae ee ee a. ee ee

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| @ oS FT SS we = = -" @esonee : YF. & ~_ -_ ew CclC DllUCUS Marcu 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 123 A hexile from Parry, I’m off o’er the main ; Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again ; The m smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl, Give me peng Yo 8 * Diewes,” far dearer than all. ’Ome, ome, Sweet, sweet ’ome, With Rarxes*, Lowrner, Cuar.in, there’s no place like ’ome. “Mean to sing that at our next ‘Smoker,’ Bos. But till then, Ta—ta!!” * Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. Samvuex Surru, ‘ what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegrams transmitted by the Post-office Department.”’ Desdemona to the Author of ‘‘ Dorian Gray.” (A propos of his paragraphic Preface.) * Taese are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i’ the Club corner. What miserable praise hast thou for him that’s foul and foolish ? ” SomeTHING IN A Name.—A recent theatrical an- nouncement informed us that a new comedy would be produced from the penof a Mr. Henry Dam. If suc- cessful, imagine the audi ing for the Author by name. If a triumph, the new tist will be known as “‘ The big, big D.” By a Tired and Cynical Critic of Current Fiction. A ‘ Scuoor for Novelists,” they say, has risen. A School? What’s really wanted is a Prison. Life-long confinement far pen and ink Might cure the crowd of fictionists, I think. Or, if by Lessons you’d arrest the blight, Go teach the Novelist how not to write ! Arutetics.—It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbid the popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon theground that it may lead to shoplifting. SEss | Little Dick Worxixe anv Prayine Brxs.—Lady B-ountiful first, at the Garrick, and Lady B-arter at the Princess’ s. Big Ben “ AND ME, OLD Man! HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE ! Ferenps ror Forty Years, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY Faienp I pos- INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY Friend I've Gor Lerr!” OLD FRIENDS, Ou, Fratrery'’s Taz Bane or Frenosaie! Just Loox at you Way, I’va ALWAYS TOLD YoU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, Ir's a way I mave. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FASS (dreamily). ‘‘ Au, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE WEVER TOLD You THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!" THE FIRST ACT—AND THE LAST. (A Departmental Tragi-Comedy, in active Rehearsal.) Act 1.—The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various ScientificCharts cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the Authorities, are scattered about in every direction. TomMMY ATKINS is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture. Military Instructor (who has been for an hour and a half ez- plaining the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, Sinally approaching the end of his subject). Well, as I have fully explained betes, but may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while the ing-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases or are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the locking-bolt being omitted. I needn’t again go over the twenty-four different screws, but, in case of accident, it be well to retain their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not fi that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, and K Screw, stand respectively at ‘1696, *1656, and ‘116 of an inch. Of course you will remember o feven pins, and that, if an should go wrong with the Bolt ead Cover Pin, as dy Sm y have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you | be thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, a ee adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. think It not refer again to the ‘‘sight- ing,” seeing that the Lewes system is abolished, and that the the wind wow dighted up to3,500 yards, * deed on,” no matter whet wind may be. W: this remark, I have much pleasure in Placing the rifle in our hands (gives him one), at the same time ved eh St call upon to use it in the heat of action, to be pre- pared wi wledge I have endeavoured to impart to you to- day, and, above all things, to keep your head cool. I don’t think 7 cave perGns more to add, Atxins, I have made myself pretty clear Tommy Atkins (with a grin). "Res, Sir! Military Instructor. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me Tommy Atkins (still grinning). Noa, Sir! Military Instructor, Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will find it, what they assure me it is,—a most serviceable weapon. Tommy Atkins (saluting). ’EKes, Sir ! "texte, still grinning as Act- Drop descends. Act IL.—The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight) in the immediate neighbourhood of London, Tommy Atkins and the Military Instructor discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of the slain. A European War having broken out sud- denly, from which the Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge for the new Maga- zine Rifle, The result is, that after a couple of pitched battles, though, in an outburst of popular fury, Mr. Stannore is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, capitulates, and the French Commander-in- Chief, breakfasts, waited on by the Lony Mayor, in the Bank of England. Military Instructor (sitting up and rubbing his eyes). Dear me! we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all. (Recognising him.) Halloa, Arxins! Tommy Atkins (with a grin), ’Ees, Sir! Military Instructor. You remember all I told you? Tommy Atkins (still grinning). ’Ees, Sir! : Military Instructor, I’m afraid that wasn’t such a serviceable weapon, after all! mit : de Atkins (still grinning). Noa, Sir! Military Instructor. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this! By Jove! it looks like the last Act! [ Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the Battle-feld, the Military Instructor threatening to wri'e to the ‘* Times,” and Tommy Atxins still grinning as Curtain falls.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marcu 14, 1891,

—_—.

——

Sylvanus, ‘‘ Foxes ARE SCARCE NOW AND THEN!” Urbanus, ‘‘Ou—zn—rves, But HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE Fences!” Ix my OounNTRY; BUT WE MANAGE IT wire A Draco ———= UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHicF, [ What possible chance would Colonel X., Member for ——, feel that he had of fair play ifhe walked into the Opposition side in a Division ?— ing Paper. | Scexs — A Battle-fleld. Colonel X. dis. covered apparently dying in the hour of victory. Faithful Aide-de-Camp, The enemy ru Sir! e have beaten them off on every side! Colonel (faintly). That is well! (with a sigh) and yet my heart is heavy within me! Believe me, Surru, I cannot die easily. F. A.-de-C, And yet the vacancy thus 7 poms be fi ° St oet Be tion ave you — ir politidlan the iden is eomfarting.” Ai asa politician the idea ing. Smrrn, would that I had always 2 duty in the House of Commons! But with a view to obtaining this comma voted against my convictions! I supported | the Government in thei to tax per- ambulators! It was cruel, unmanly s0 to do, but 1 was weak and foolish! And now) I cannot die easily! Would that I could live | to repair the past. os Opposition Whip (suddenly springing up from behind a limber 2 la HawxsHaw the | Detective). It is not too late! Return with me to Westminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! With a special train we be in time! You can yet — rye vote wing), Be , Col, X. ey eae y you s0 Then I wil recover! I will do my duty! [ Kixit, to vote against hi ag and to be put permanently on the shelf, from a military point of view !

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Ste Epwiw Agwotp’s paper on J in Scribner, for March, is interesting and also amusing. The Ja seemed to be a charm- ing people ; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they can be divorced for being talkative. 4 propos of Japan, to judge from one of our Lrxa Joxo’s capital illustrations of Hospital Nursing in The English Illustrated Magazine, the Matron’s room must be “an illigant place, intoirely” ; while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a t a cup of ink by mistake for liquorice-water isn’t a real practical side- splitter, the Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we come upon a delightful little picture of ‘' The Pet of the —— ”; and so she ought to be, for a gosttier pet than this nursing Sister it would be difficult to find. hat becomes of her? Does she marry a ** Sawbones,” or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she must be a ** great attraction,” and if anything were to happen to the Baron, and he coaldn’t be removed to his own palatial residence, he would say, * Pat me in a cab, drive me to the Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty Pet’s Ward.” The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. Jostmy Howntty M'Cantay'’s “ Pages on Plays” in The Gentleman's Magazine. Justin Monty expresses his opinion that ‘‘ The Dancing Giri will almost certainly be the play of the season ; it will probably be the principal play of the year.” ‘* Almost certainly” and “‘ probably ”’ save the situation. The Baron backs The Idler against Daneing Giri for arun. In the same Magazine Mr. Atpert Fiemine has condensed into a short . Saily, material that would have served some authors for a t volume novel. Itisa Vy for the Baron to be in perfect accord on any one point with the Author of Essays in Little, and in proportion to the number of the points so is the ’s pleasure intensified. Most in- tending readers of these Essays, on taking up the book, would be less curious to ascertain what AnDREW Lane to say about Homer and the study of Greek, about Tufopore pe Bawvitie, Tuomas Hayes Barter, the and even about Krveszer, than to read his opinions on Dickzns THACKERAY, ing Dickens first as being the more ‘ recommends his friends, then, to read these ys of AnpREw’s, en ary Ria Tuacxerar, then Dickens; do not, on any account, omit the delightfully written and truly ciative article on Cuartes Lever; i but finish his Merriest-Andrewest mood, treats us to an excellent parody. The Baron mas cqpentes op exten Banden, and thls xtra- gay | Reader to the Baron has just entered the dise of bis duties by reading Monte Carlo, and How to Do It, by Ww go as you ith “the last fashionable novel,” wherein our M.A., in | imagin

W. F. Goxppere, and G. Cuartiw Presse (J. W. Amrowsmira). He reports in the following terms to his loved Chief :—This book achieves the task of combining extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid dulness—not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of low slang and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume themselves on their marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, which, with their usual sprightly Saaonmen, they call ‘Charley's Mount.” They are good enough to te such of the travelling public as may want to get there, that the train leaving Victoria at 8°40 a.m. reaches Dover at 10°35. Stu- pendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the steamer (Ugh !), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, where there is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead of going by the Ceinture, they drove across Paris. The greenhorns arrive at Monte Carlo, and then settle on their quarters. Anyone but an idiot would have settled all this, and much more, beforehand. One gentle- manly greenhorn, who wishes us to think that ‘‘s/ connatt son Paris,” talks of ‘suppers of Bignon’s” (which must be some entirely new dish), and informs us that, ‘‘ at the Hotel de I’ Athenée, the staff esteem it rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, to grin and snigger when sworn at in English.”’ Oh, sweet and swearing British greenhorn! now I know why the French so greatly love our countrymen. But why, oh why do you imagine that you have discovered Monte Carlo? For the details of the journey, and the instructions to future explorers, are set out with a painful minuteness which not even Stawier could rival. As for Monaco, dear, restfal, old-fashioned, picturesque Monaco, whither the Visitor climbs to escape from the glare and noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it scornfully, as having ‘* no inte- rest.” How much does this ten-per-center want? He ‘‘ waggles along the Condamine;” he mixes with many who are ** pebble- beached;” he speaks of his intimates as ‘‘ Pa,” “‘The Coal- Shunter,” ‘‘ Ballyhooly,” &c., and declares of the French soldier that ‘‘the short service forty-eight-day men don’t have a very unkyperdoodium time of it.” There’s wit for you, there’s ce | Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically eloquent on the subject of throws in such lucid expressions as ‘‘ chin music,” ** gives him biff,” “his graft is thusly,” and, al himself =< his me to be 9 4: o & loolish greenhorns who ever put pen to an of paper. i. ine tho senie wk Gneg tne cou Dull, swaggering, blatant, gin-absorbing, red-faced who as mo chatter oaths all oy. sto, Se you,’ an & to his Extra-Ordinary Reader, backs his opinion Tux Baron vz Boox-Wouxs.

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Manon 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

oot — MORE IBSENITY! Dar Eprror,—Noticing that the author of The Doll’s House was to have another morning, or, to use an equally suitable epithet, mourning performance devoted Soke, I made up sty mind. my nerves, to attend February (the date i second a The 23

accepts the domestic arrangements of the Rosmer ménage uiescence, not to say enthusiasm. Rosmer interrupts the téte-d-téle with the Rebecea, and declines the proffered editorship, because he is a and an atheist. End of Act I, a actin anak » bat 2 quod Gah ok ends twats In | Th Act IL. we learn that the late Mrs. has committed suicide, because she was informed a the apostate Pastor could only save | A his villainy from exposure ae aes mmediately the position of wife to her friend eneng on peshe A had foes ws the 1 most reliable autho- he et le: , lf. Then the Pastor asks ebecca to m is refused, or no apparent reason, un- lees it be Pry by has tired of her guilty passion. In Act III. a — to the Ye and his b: y ong pn ene eceived the deceased, prepares to decam n the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has been ‘ love with Rebecca is not sure that she loves him. that courtesy forbids him to keep a lady is, and follows her — le! om are drowned, — cals he y! may “> ! And what about the Sieaitens ? Rebecca is a ya old maid, who would have been set right, in the time é the Tudors, with a sound ess and nowadays, | in had she consulted a sez and Sin she have been probaly ordered @ sea-voya free from otianelente. The ‘astor is a — fickle fo oe he sensible idea in his life, hen he disecvers Rebecca's om - inherited her proneness for eae i Obed, to her distressed astonishment, he | is sives dhe pemeas Gouseeaes, a0 hitherto recognised by her as a parent | best line in the piece, to my at ene it oui went wilhonaeel ”—is a question of the housekeepe the negative—* Have you ever seen the Pastor laugh?” Laugh ! with such ! Pretentious twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it less idiotic. And so dull! As a theatre- for more 4 of a century, I dislike je severity, by others, wete last at perons who haga out | aie or r8 0 Society or oe Oe stuff longs Ang remove your c and the the sexless, and then —? have never known an @ 4 Yours sincerely, Owz wuHo tices Issew—ar a Distance.

CHEER up, cheer up, The times should m Fe Teen ns Monet Boctans ot He lays it on so soft and slab, not to sa: He couldstt Remeneril Aer than ever, in this month’s Fortnightly. some considerable time ago, so it belongs to ancient now, after this lapse of time, out comes the preface. And thie ** preface” occupies Ge | better Moron I use this ex in all a brilliant _aphorisms. ‘* when in doubt, plant ast Fo ht the Artist, is Art's a course. Then “ Puris omnia pura” is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, to find my o ee_Pie ore Deaeetnn ont a, OF abut name, fling away the only hope it did, for they deserve their M y i a gh Bret mn in Irish!” Let us or shut up shop. Yet there is a | pomtjomp ‘+ Master's” work. 1 wish | chance,—to be great Pan is dead, so there is « ROL Lg St nol erp tae HA, 2 Foy rel 3 “ is y ‘ fare. —— bento sat, the relations between her Master and Rebecca are scarcely pat vihen bo wants to SEED Ep Loree sewer wsab one diked we dan my: Chorus—It's high time, &o. roystering Rawpom takes his turn ; his treacle's wea the Terie the straight —and don’t the by Jove, it a ceealaal | eihone ool the fachion thick ; e it—quick ! i end f— He gives There "s PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine Labourer’s Friend ! Chorus—It’s high time, &c. Comrades, it makes me chortle, The Election ’s drawing nigh, And Eight <yone Bills, or anything, they ’ll pranie for to They ‘ll spout and start Commissions ; but, O m Mind your eye, and keep it on them, ' or they’ try ightr Laboaring Host Chorus, h tome that the Working Men should have it their own way. |

i It’sh 5 ad. ism, st rest on paint wil she Pe EN They il f strain their throats,— you mind your votes, and you may | drown herself ? With pleasure—and she takes aheader! He explains Jind it pay! WILDE FLOWERS, Some other fellow, in the P. Mf. G., has been beforehand with us in spotting ‘‘A Preface to Dorian Gray ” by our Oscan WILpE-r Gray was ogee , of two pages; represent a Wier toe | ere rows of bright mie « are planted between 4 of eS Be te eee ” Bic itur ad astra, open to all, tefl oo call havo ene ond Sasnenes :; see tale of “* Ars est celare artem” f Art” if I mistake not, St, Pavr’s advice to stalk o “Wh Trmoray is engrafted on to the lug in Trworny?” Well, to “ not to quote it. Vaderetro! e notr “ When Critics dis a Artist it in a. it is all e despairing ory of Last of the Aphorisms ; after &™ ‘''-

for the present. Pan is dead!

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—_— = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Miss de Bullion, “CES AUTRES” (HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.) “ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!” A Sone or Syrmpatuy. (Some Way after a celebrated Boating Song.) (“Sir Hewny Panes concluded by declaring that if the Colonies continued separate they must become hostile communities, and, in order that they might prevent that, it was for the whole people to join in creating one great Union Govern- ment.” —RzuTsn.)} Mr, Luo Barraryicus, an Old Blue, » and a sympathetic on-looker, loqustur Carita boating weather! Ay, and a favouring breeze ! Brave boys! Swing together, Your bedies between your knees! Pheugh! How old memory rushes we he ay inde no seldom gushes, And these be of Lzo’s breed The blood of an Old Blue flashes At the Young Blues’ power and speed ! Coach them, or patronise them ? Nay, I’ ve no call for that. o cheer them, ‘Tm on this Acc entea tes Fofet ws weight at a pinch, or olde enue cared never a *‘ cuss ; ip oe ewe. But—always detested fuss. Strain the last ounce, and inch ! Races are won, boys, thus / Look a most likely lot, Lionlets lithe and young. Pace? They will make it hot. Few can have feathered and swung Better. Tall talk is rot ; Bat, hang it! I must give tongue ! There ’s “‘ Queensland ” and ‘‘ New South | “ Australia South" and “ West,” [ Waler,”’ ** Vietoria,””—each one scales Good weight, and with girth of chest ; ** New Zealand’s” zeal prevails, He’ll swing in time with the rest. The hero born of Thetis Had pluck enow. What then ? Each hero here, whose meat is ** Hard steak and harder hen,”’ As stalwart and as fleet is As the Greek first of men ! ** Stroke” sets it long and steady ; That gladdens a true Old Blue. There’s nothing hot and heady In sturdy Number Two. There are coxens sharp and ready In the Land of the Kangaroo! aa ta, lads! Swing together ! Pash elders from —'>- stools ? Pooh! J shall moult no feather ; Old boys are not always old fools. Out upon j jealous blether ! You ’ve learnt in the best of schools. I want to see you win, lads ; Old Lzo loves his cubs. Captain Bergamot. ‘* ARE ANY OF YouR Baorners in THe Service, Miss pz Boiiion!” Yes; Onz in THE Guarps, anp—a—” (with disgust)—‘‘ rue Rest 1n THE Common ARMY, YOU KXow.” If cynics l or grin, lads, We'll drive them back to their tubs. Do Trp’ think my blood ’s so thin, lads, I’d diet upon Told snubs ? The core ies think they ’re clever’; rew their big -wow | Boys, swing together ever, Steady from stroke to bow ; One chain shall sever never— The love-links round us now! WHAT’S IN A NAME? Pe Jaq mg aes —_ the — xp’ the ‘‘ why ” of Spinning | Is it to strike with wholesome _ The thoughtless maiden whose career | Looks like a sinning one P | And thus the Judge her conscience wakes, Since he, when a sentence, takes | Good care to name a erne bpd | Or is it that in such a habitation, | Herself a spinster more “y might feel ; nd in a Spinning House find —- on, AndinaS H —_ | Provided with a t | But there,—no matter Or what’s the meani hidden i in its name, About its destination "s no fear ; And judging from a noted recent case, pinning House will,—it is pretty clear,— | Itself be soon sent spinning into space. ie _— ‘*Is a husband worth having Fail, that asks | Woman. One reply would be, “* | depends on whose | way, this view was not under consideration. usband it is.” Bat, eg ow *s0r] MeILIUNg “OAV4E »» 8 6) 4 w ONTITMAS DOL (4S BRL *rTr\aTuU a scrty *vwrry«terTayweewy LT

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Maron 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ee —— A WILD WELCOME. TO DINNER. Frsrvary’s reign of gloom , ‘Out of mind and sight is, (By a Dinner- Belle.) Noonday darkness of the tomb, No. L.—Don Juan Suton. Carbon and bronchitis. To share with men the prandial gloom Though the air is keen and chill, Of union forced that fatal custom Cloudy skies are Decrees to wither ‘‘ youth and bloom,” Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill, napad mee is from Sohrab and Rustum) Free from smart our eyes are. x t- aun Denoton to Hho Sud , ‘essors —of Hindostani ! Bursting on the lengthening dey ——_| Dall wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull— “T have blown the fogs away ; He wasn’t dull—was Don Giovanni. Is this to your liking?” A widower féted far and wide, tn voles sup eueee and seed e spirits bounding, Like the Major’s chartered steed ’s sounding. Welcome, Spring's reviver ; On the race again we must Risk the wonted fiver ; Fields are showing brighter green, Early buds are $ On the early youth is seen The new season’s suiting. Long it is since shrill With their chirping woke us ; There is one with busy bill Worrying a crocus, How they love the flow’r of spring— What a graccfal little thi a ing— Bother, I have mise’d it ! Now the wind along the plai Comes with roar and clatter — There, my hat is off again ! Let it go—no matter. What am I, to say thee nay In thy rudest ? Blow my yh - away, Blow my hat to blazes. ’Tis but little we can do For thy bounty’s measure— Sacrifice a hat or two? Forty hats, with pleasure. KENSINCTON CARDENS SMALL TALK. From the Railway Improvement Phrase-Book. Tuat Naursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator will y get run over by the train. if she stands there gossiping with the man in the signal-box. That is the nineteenth horse that has run trigdtened by the emake ofthe paasing eaging rightened by the e passing engine. it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens, and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken the contract for the making of the new line. Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right across the Gardens, relieved by overseers’ moveable hatch-houses, puffing steam-cranes, and processions of mud- carts, rather interfere with the beauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bearin mind that it is, after all, only to last Sor five years. Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fow] under that luggage-train. It is bey iy = are but a inestimable advan‘ to the shareholders of the public being able to - from Paddington to in a tunnel twopence. Query ror Next Exection.—No man has MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN— , The jauntiest Rake Old Don Giovanni, fraught with warm The dining Duchess, ‘* mould of form ! ” martest of ** at ate And terror of his decent daughters ; Flirtations, free to fling his cash on Antique, good-looking ‘‘ glass of fashion.” He pol how the Viscount bets (Some heiress he must really ‘ pick up’’), How noble dames smoke cigarettes And noble heels in ballets kick up. How ‘“‘ H.R.H. ”——n’importe ! my friend Experience shows me that the /aches Of such as air these letters tend In the direction of their ‘‘ H” ’s. He chatted next of German Spas, Of Continental, English ‘‘ P.B.’s,” And how our matchmaking Mammas Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes, How he with Royalties had graced The latest function—genial patrons— While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced Before the virtuous British matrons. And then his compliments began _ To rain like drops of Frangipanni, A most insinuating man He was, this ancient Dow Grovawyt. You felt, if you could half believe, _ You ’d but to word a whim to find it, You quite forgot he owned a sleeve, several teeth to laugh behind it. There may be kindness, lofty souls, Great Brains, and whatso ne’er grows older, Him the Material controls : He shrugs a sleek, good-natured shoulder. Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke ; Your choicest vintage passes ; e’en your Su d so will poor Dow Juar, Senior. Mrs. Matarnor is much puzzled at the & vote until he has attained his majority. How | announcement that it is to con- ) ee —— 1 7 iu> about some districts mens a new T rat the Ly hein : e where they are nearly all | struct a nee ubercular way between First! !/ (at the Lyceum). SONGS BY A CYNIC. Lovz. Wuar’s and all that Love can bring, Youth's earliest illusion : What tender words she used to sing, And blush with sweet confusion. How you would hang each word, When under spells of Cupid ; When half she said was most absurd, And all extremely stupid. You loved her for her hair of gold, Unewing that she oon it ; She vowed her love ne’er grow cold, Though Time had never tried it. Your worship came to such a pass, _That, when you calmly view it, You feck gon weno on wiles oon, Though then you never knew it. What happened? Why, the usual thing: Wille seand her you geal Enewe, Beg irs atk ou >. She went off wins anche he world ey mye we fe} oe REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER. ing on Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BeaTRi by her husband, Prince ah _ ee gl Ry open. A ga ve scene, ave, Bane, and ever q ptian houses made Seand. centalaiay ciate tell of tho west useful articles n 2 P ae a Fae aeastss support. 80 “at desire to revel doubt, is most coyaving of here, I may say, I rev Albert Hall, that I had no any where else. FETE OR FATE? On, Hoppers rin Covent Ganpen, Mancn 41x. (By Mr. Punch's Own Impressionist.) _at 0 m air— Deft Ueouioetntate and fife— Half the world without his wife— Dominos, and masks, and faces — Graces three—and three Disgraces. Jacks-in-boxes—tambour -majors— Janes in office—ancient stagers— Reyyoips’ Dachess— Shepherdesses ; (Burlington) Arcadian tresses — F Primrose damsels,—clowns and follies,— Organ-gri Flemish‘dollies— ; rather muddy Bngland’s mashers, Afric’s dark DB "s ric’s sons— Nataan’s stock-in- CLaRKson’s— costumes not apt the back to, = of them aay too— artyred revellers in u Rooms, and singing tor their

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a ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. No. 2.—ARTHUR GOLFOUR. —— = = Os Ue be ce Oe oe het hed le ig7#s#fus- «

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| Mancn 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA. “ Waar are you doing, my Maid?” “ ['m coming from voting, ir,” she said. “ uestion you, Maid “ Yeu, if you please, kind .” she said. “ Who is father, my pretty Maid?” “ Jonn Bou is my father, Sir,” she said. “ Aad weet is your fortune, my pretty " My sage to ay Sete, Sir,” La a: PE “ Then I can’t annex my pretty ’ “ Nobody axed you, Sir!” » a said.

Grvmsc A _Loverr Noricz ro Qurr.— Mr. Punch, Perpetual Universal Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, tes H.B.H., Grand Master of Free- masons, on his plucky and htforward action with regard to the G. M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, ha’ con- travened the resolution of Grand Ix March 6, 1878, may now exclaim, in bitter- ness of spirit, ““O for a Lodge in some vast Wilderness!” ‘‘ for,” says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once frequently quoted Some- body observed to a person w. name was not Dr. Frreuson, “ you don’t lodge here!” Recrprociry.— ‘* Mace,” in The Illus- trated London News, says, sweepingly :— ‘‘No Under- Secretary ever has any opinion of his own.” Perhaps that is why the Public ion of an Under-Secretary ! AMERICAN seldom has any opinion

COPYRIGHT Dre, VILLA “ The extinction of literary piracy in America has been decreed.” — Times Leader, March 5,

BILL” IN A NEW PART.

| ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 2.—Navy Estimates on to-night, Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One, itis true, is Harcourt; so perhaps the most accurate enumeration of the aggregate would be fifteen. -ul fawe dans ce jolly-boat ?” Groncr HamiLton ** Que diable allait asks, a “yt a a in eS aprapher occupation of teeta ing up strips of paper ce across at y re reclining on — Opposition Bench Several Admirals te Captains han spoken. embers generally have fled the burning deck. Even Op Morstity’s sense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; but Casaprawca Hanrcovrt still remains. A little provoking for the Old Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying toleration with which he listens. Doesn’t say they’re all wrong, but smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverbera- ting Coroms falters when, glancing round the post gaps of empty Douche opposite, his sd ee ir, I repeat,’ he sai ite angrily, though no one had contradicted him, Fthat during the period that has elapsed since com- // mencement of the present reign, the revenue // of the United Kingdom has increased only | one-and-a-half times, while that of the out- lying Empire has multiplied five-fold.” Gener abpiosien } Sones is a master in nearly every department uman knowledge, Up to to-night fondly thought that at least he knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than Ad- miral Freip, or Admiral MAaYNeE, or even Colonel Govrtey. Presently rose and deli- vered slashing speech, layi - berating Coroms as if he been set u in the Place Vendéme; reviewing the British Fleet in masterly style; nimbly running u Sisters a oes sain T, e absolute ) the First Lord of the Admiral .

, even Harcourt. We’ve nothing like it on our side.

Howorrs knows a thing or two, and Hawnuny isn’t accomplishment ; but for versatility, for profundity of grasp, whether Chancellor of the Exche< tiller of a ship, give me H Business done.—Commi for iness of .— WoLmER Tuesday Couldn’t something be done to lighten it, say by appointment of Royal Comantanient' ? Op : hegmaed” acsens riend with expression of Whip of the allied force. his young f Wormer is suddenly springing thi Was there more in it however obscurely, with the maintenance CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench into space with Sphynx-like countenance. cunningly ti over their pellucid depths. the brown gaiters he has recently added appearance, in pathetic admission that the natural charms of are at length fading Nothing to be gai .. \Ay--A th ili tenance e thing to do, and it is quite allow ile. was to meet it appeared in print on miti e prosaic Ministers consider the yoy ny to examine and report ted by legislation ?” “Sir,” said Orp Moratirry, ting te the occasion, assure my Noble Friend that Her nowlelee, the object be a lawyer's brief, a uer’s ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the ARcOURT.” ttee on the Navy Estimates. asked Oty Moratity what about the Fog? Moratiry almost pa What did he mean b guton om the Fit Lan of the Treaary eye 1 ’ intenance of the Union ? es, hid what secret eney James became to the graces a inspection. If the cause of of motive were of the vellian Wotmer. The only foreign to the habits of Orp Monarirr, fay hee - of For is one that may be how far in ith other inhabitants of the extremely sensible of the seri - ant heodabip:inflioted by. the of the serious injury, increasing p ence of the London fog? are there not fogs every night ? in which Her Majesty’s Government , to conceal. Oar wi men in whatever part of the House hesitation in stating—do not add, to of disturbance, fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause w ocour in the These f od (ns: came euneett g sud- it 8 — 8 = “ s F. sh is to meet yo howe istnudenon “D will slwaye held in solution a g 8&8 H

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132 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —— [Marcn 14, 189],

— NOTICE.—Rejected Communjeations or whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will i Sus ceadetpciiod ty a Aamaped end Addvaieed Mavelopa Gores, ex Woasyer To this rule in. no case be returned, not even when there will be no exception.

os Ge

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hal vered. Eight me, d not | ote,” | ip his | y the ose ?), » One ADC, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Muanon 14, 1691. ~ CURIOUS OLD HCHLAND WHISKIES . 7 10 15 & 26 yours in wood thes por de. 48/- 60/- 72/- 180/- An eminent Medical sotperia, eke, the ay on no account should be used unless it is well matured. Detailed List on application to MOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. Whisty Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. UAM-VAR WHISKY. THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. TED If THE PALACE AND THE SHIELING. uz BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OB LOCH. Highest Awards, Recommended by the Medi¢al Faculty. [NES & GRIEVE, EDINBURGH and LOMDON. THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY (ortains no Sugar. Is not stored In Sherry Caske, To DIABETES, GOUT, & KIDNEY COMPLAINTS, * Certainly seems to deserve its name.”—Lanesr. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. GEO. BACK & CO., Devonshire Square, London. | EXSHAW & 0's ys 4 OLD & Co 8. “tenant Street, W. dos. in Cares Taqrisite Model. Perfect Fit. Guaranteed Wear, w pa open THE PATENT "ORSET Will not split % oe Se. me most com(o sate carer’ ever made Lape’ ‘s Pict. Made in White, Black, and all the Pashionable Colours and Shades, or Italian Cloth, Satin, and Coutil, abo in the new Sani : ihe re eae Taart Gowp Mepate, Swaekinas * eda A talane nor tear in the Te PROTEETION * MA | AN iL S. & H. HARRIS’S HARNESS COMPOSITION (Warearacor). SADDLE PASTE (War Roor Ss. @ HH. HARRIS. Ma S. & H. HARRIS’S owe BONIEE ee EO ING “PaLiemiye: nufactory: LONDON, PASTE. amp Grass. TO CURE ALL HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HOFFMAN'S ‘HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Tested in many of the severest cases, and A TRIAL tL with: CONVINCE. See that you get HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Your own Chemist, end all the Wholesale Priee ls, 44, per box, Post Free from J. K. MATTERSON, CHEMIST, 108, NEW OXFORD ST., LONDON. NODA VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. What @ill Restore the HAIR OF YOUTH? Nuda Veritas—Naked Truth. For 24 yrats Tt has never failed to rapidiy restore or hatr, either’ in youth or age. If srrests fallinc, juxuriapt giowth, is perm t, 4 periectiy Psi og B t vCirtdarsea on. ENDEN & 40N¢, — _— City Road, F.C. Wholesale Agente: se jek and 32, Berners St “RYLANDS’ DAGCA CALICOES ARE THE BEST. LOHSE’S = LILY OF THE VALLEY = MAIGLOCK HOP TRA A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, Prepared under Gastitxe’s Patents Improves the favour of tea, sasists digestion. SOLD retail by ail Grocers. THX HOF TEA ©O., Lim, 87. GEORGE'S HOUSE, EASTCHEAP. 2.4, 0041 1d. samples, with testimonials, 4c., Wil be sent om mocipt of F.0.0. 2/- 2/6 TO GAVE THE PELTE, USE DAILY THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER Donation and Toeweevee Preserves tt Prantpnee A. ‘the "haecrs. an Hefreshing the Moura. Abd takes away emeR , & LaLD ATRERT, LIVERPOOL BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROI). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT; HAYDEN & CO,., 10, Warwick Square, 3.C. Manulacturérs, BEWLEY & DRAPE, Lid, Dublia. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGHE, | & DOPING | COUGH, CROUP. AL EMBROCATION. re without internal Pa . . New York—Powerns & Co., North Willi om Qhrest, CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED NUTRITIOUS. DELICIOUS. DIGESTIBLE. “EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1889, Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAVELLERS, DELICATE CHILOREM, WEAK DIGESTIONS. COCOA ano ) MILK ° Y Wiis, 1s. 6d. and Bs. 647 cbtainable éverywhére. SAVORY _ & MOORE. LONDON Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. SSWARE OF IMITATIONS OF DOT BReD 4ND BKOWN LABELS. HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH, Komans in the Fire known as sates most tr cases soe of fnew matiom, Goat, aes Skin poration of hath hove & ercentuy Fa) fee at Heth At Cen val Tere oval of one af tae wrest ih cal Scag Siem tos a : s Uention 094 every LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT ov BEEF Bignatare (aa above) tp Hive Ink serces the Labe! direct {rom Ireland, the Home of GAVE Money, Time, and Temper by wearing TAAETE & COLDWELL’S celebrated “Pon focta”’ SHIRTS and COLLARS. Perfect in Fit.—Pvifect in Ease. —Perfectin Appear ance.—The-e are made of the most durable Long cloth and Pure Irish Linen, in all sizes, or to specia p> ure or geste, and a #avin uying direct fro — rer A Sample’ » Shirt sent Post Free for te “4. ‘ | Sate we op ot te 6d, heme gine of¢ fold fre oh Lin on Callas Is e Hespere “Yver foi per half dor, Pow ps Ferrep with New Linen he Reds cad Weskboe ‘st td Saale Ob Fest Pree. TAAFFE & COLDWELL. Shirt Tailors, ous & seer, DUBL

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Mancn 14, 1891. NICOLL. 114 to 120, REGENT STREET, and 22, CORNHILL, LONDON, PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. 10, MOSLEY STREET, MANCHESTER, 39, NEW STREET, BIRMINGHAM. 50, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL, GENTLEMEN. LADIES. Spring SviTines from £3 3s., in an extensive selection of the new | Messrs, NIcOLU invite the favour of a visit to inspect their leg rough-textured materials. productions for SprinG WEAR in CosTUMES, JACKETS, CLOAKS, w SPRING COATINGS, OVERCOATINGS, and TrousERiNGs of the finest | Qypys manufacture. NICOLL's world-famed Overcoats, for all Climates and Seasons. Every | Spécialité Ripine Hasirs and Patent Sxset, with which drargingy description and size kept in stock. | absolutely impossible, Servants’ Livertes a Spécialité, from the best and most durable materials at moderate prices. For PLEASURE and PROFIT. | RANSOMES |/F| ORILINE.|LEA & PERRINS FRUITI\, 22 Wincor Norton] | FOR THE TEETH AND BREATE. SAUCE. Princess Nietoria off | Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE | he Original and Genuine “* Worcestershin ten’ Fothing so Profitable and Rasy te Grow. coast One® oer. in the World. 7 Ac ACRES IN STOCK. “*iowe Mower Prevents the decay of the TEETH. For st COLD flied > ee ” + Renders the Teeth PEARL H . mn car eee cimes rea LAWN MOWERS] Bctair tran an GRAVIES, THE BEST in the WORLD. Delicow te the Tanta pe and extracts : 4 rs \ / Bes ee re et St a SALADS, At Mie] Hosee-Porus” Mowrns, in all sizes to suit Of ali ¢ a ~ sand Perfamers ene ages the SOUPS. ~ To , Sicaln THrectris and arsinge Pu. Supplied ———— . OY, 20 ACRES BUSHES, by all lronmongers. FLOBILINE TOOTH POWDER ealy, GAME, © > / 8s. per doz.; 60s. per 100. BANGOMES, SIMS & JEP PERIEG, LA Ipswich. Put up in glass jars. Price le. FISH a — WA ; Standards, Zils. per dos. , 140s. per 100. (Our Prepared only by 4 4 lie ‘ sviection). Strementem, The Anglo-American Drug Company. Limited, WELSH ‘7, FM { Peck ing and Carriage Free for Cash with order. Exenes. Ind. Always relic, 33. Far: ingdon Read, London, EC. | g Sasurton ssn | AS gives BARESES, WA | . A . na A be . : oon scmas OF oxen Indvense. “Ove "Genrewes | WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, &o.,&e. We } cuamaris mito teen me im | GUBEB “Exam trae | oir ha Lorrwnis } SLEDS 5 wae Lie Veostasse, Fis owen, and cl jon. A | | GRANT’S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. Re sure to ask for GRANTS, and don't be put of RICHARD SMITH f C0., Worcester. GARETTES. .. ames sense cree toaek for GRANT, and don't be puto! | srenatar aon ovary otto ofthe Gea | . WINCARNIS, | CoLEMAN’S LIEBIG'S EXTRACT OF MEAT AND MALT Wie FLESH-FORMING, NUTRITIOUS, STIMULATING, AND STRENGTHENING, INVALUABLE TO INVALIDS, STRENGTH FOR THE WEAK. OVER 2000 TESTIMONIALS HAVE BEEN RECEIVED FROM MEDICAL MEN. IMPORTANT UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIAL from T. BEGINALD JONES, Esq., M.2.6.3., LL.M, ROC.P.1, a. “24, Hamilton co Birkenhead, A DELICIOUS BEVERAGE. Coleman's “‘ Wincarnis,” or Lie- big’s Extract of Meat and Malt Wine, is a Delicious Beverage and Tonic made from Port Wine, Liebie’s Extract of Meat, and Extract of Malt, suitable for the e . ber 21, 0 1608, Fe “ GurtLeuny,— ave over Robust in 2 well as the oguin nea cent 2 your Meat and Wine on my ts, for hom I always order it. In many cases it poten! tT and in s way that ordinary Wine (I ine without Meat) could not do, oe ealy a, ab I on @ pa A eels and I never knew é fail,” UNEQUALLED FOR WEAKLY PERSONS. PRESERVES HEALTH, STRENGTH, AND ENERGY. “THE CONVALESCENT.” EE VESOBATIN® AS A ) Tome. THOUSANDS OF TESTIMONIALS FROM ALL PARTS by all Sold by . harta, and Medicine Vendors in the United Kingdom, in Bottles 2. $d. and 4s, 6d. each. * Aak for ‘WINCARNTG,’ or COLE yr $ EX Rack ¢ oF meat D MALT W yy - Tt see that y 7° get ral Se, Ay a in gettin the tumaw aco. = Bt, Gere" 2 rea orward e Pint Bottle, Free by on Dozen, see e nw apranase, © George’ ‘London Office, 8. Mew London Birest, 8.0), 4 g “ " the Now Leef Tea. S0ud ix Boreas sx Guocuns 4xD Puatet Pmbard puree is the Pivcinet Nana WTRRaAnS STATS Se iS PR oes Ce oy ee

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> c i¢ a > a fe) w = if 7) =] @ | a

VOLUME ONE HUNDRED. —— <i ——— ee MARCH 21, a 6 re em Be AO ——— rare a y PTA a TTS es OT MOR o, | aT) J x Ie \¢ » _ 7 «\. ny t ey Wer SN 1) } i, hs 4 ye: \ PUNCH OFFICE, 85, —— STREET, “ AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS,

rhabis. = COMPANY'S EXTRACT OF BEEF. -eerecr purity assowwrety euaranreeo. ‘BONSd S33NHL 308d

—_

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are Pa “2.8 asé wm a3, pri fe 9) Come FRERVE SS | ede lo Marcu 21, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 133 MY LADY. Sue is not fair to outward view | Not only learning’s pure serene As many mai ; Her soaring mind can charm ; (And into such a rage she flew The tradesman, shrinking from a On learning this from me ;) Regards herwith alarm, [scene, And yet she ’s lovely, nay divine, | And many a ’bus conductor owns Judged by her own eaier line. | The pow’r of her metallic tones. She’s deeply read. She knows as | Contentiously content, she takes much i | Her strident way through a A sixth-form Bs: | knows w s average y And goodness only But not the greatest sage 7 touch | Her choose to be my wife. The high, aggressive joys [prey, Courage, poor heart! Thy yearn- That imp her wing, ‘ike te of | ings stifle. When in my dates I go astray. | She’s not a girl with whom totrifle. KENSINGTON CORRESPONDENCE. t. InstzaD of the Sub-Kensington Gardens Railway scheme as proposed, why not a Sut-Serpentine Line? Start it on the South . tsa , Kensington Sta- Wit & SINS men opine > >.) tion, District- } Pa a Y *) , ae nad? £5 s cum - Metropoli- \ WT Hal? fh 1S Saat tan system, run ‘\) itwith one station i well-under- im ground in the ) middle of Exhi- : bition Road, “= whence an easy - aseent to the Im- perial Exhibition, when passengers 2 airs, J away again, branching off left and right, th ing the mild Southerners into rapid, easy communication, at reasonable hours, and at reasonable prices, with the rugged denizens of the Northern districts, East and West. If Kensington Gardens are to be touched at all—and, not sacred groves, there is no reason why they should not be, faute de mieux—a transverse tuanelling from Ken- sington High Street to Queen’s Road would do the trick. We will be happy to render any assistance in our power, and are,—Yours traly, Wut Howryooms, Mors, Fexrer & Co., (Burrow-Knights.) r, © Six,—Pleese don’t let us ave “no Kinsinton Gardins, were we now are so skludid, and the childern can play about, an no danger nothink sep dogs, wich is mosley musseled, or led with a string, an we ain't trubbled about them, an can ave a word to say to a frend, or a cuzzin, you unnerstan, unner the treeses, so nice an quite, wich it wold be wen disterbd by ingins, an smoke, skreeges, an steem-wizzels, 0, Mr. P., don’t let um do it. Yours obeegentlee, Sana JANE, (Unner Nursrymade.) i, Sik,—The Railway underneath Kensington Gardens won't be noticed if only taken down deep enough below the surface. No blow-holes, of course. No t. Take it under the centre path, where there are no trees, turn to the left outside the gate burrow away to 8. Kensington Station. I can then get acroes the park in three minutes for a penny; and now I have to walk, for which I haven’t the time, or take a cab, for which I haven’t the money. Yours, A Pracricat Pauper. Ive 8in,—I take this opportunity of pointing out that if anything at all is to be done with Kensington Gardens, why not make a real good Rotten Row there? That would be a blessing and a con- Venience, We're all so sick and tired of that squirrel-in-a- ride. round and round Hyde Park, and that half-and-half affair in hes — No, = * now ’s the time, a now's te | hour. sp space equestrian wants, without interfering with the sylvan delights of nurserymaids, children, lovers of nature, and all sorts of lovers too. For my part, if this is not put forward as an alternative scheme, I shall vote for tunnelling under the Gardens out of simple cussedness, If the reply, authoritatively given, be a the two schemes ean go and must go together, then I will vote or both, only let ’s have the equestrian arrangement first. railwaies and tunels in ours, Joutix Trott, Mount, Street, W. Captain 1st Lights and Liver Brigade. } would come u 22 Mapai |r THE TRIUMPH OF BLACK AND WHITE. “ Avrsr all, the best of Kemwe’s life-work is to be found in the innu- merable cuts which he contributed to Pwnch during a period of nearly forty years; and still more in the originals of these masterly pen-and-ink rm which are now for the first time shown in a collected form to the So says Mr. Craupe Purtrps, in his “ Prefatory Note,” to the “* Catalogue of a Collection of Drawings of the late Cuantes Krewe,” ee view at the Rooms of the Fine Arts Society, 148, New Bond If the British Public possess that ‘taste for Art” and that ** sense of humour” which some claim for and others deny to it, it (the B. P.) will throng the comfortable and well-lighted Gallery in New Street, where hang some hundreds of specimens of the later work of the most unaffected humorist. and most master! * Black-and-White” artist of his time. Walk up, Ladies an Gentlemen, and see—such miracles of ion, such witcheries of effect, as were never before put on paper by simple pen-and-ink ! It is difficult to realise sometimes it is pen and ink, and that only—all the delightful display of fresh English landscape and unsophisticated British humanity, teeming with effects of distance, hints of atmosphere, and suggestions of colour. Many a much- belauded brush is but a fumbling and ineffective tool, compared with the ink-charged crowquill handled by Cuantes Keene. Look 6 Y - !” (No. a) 8 composition ! ed e ts) schooner, Pat's petty craft, lloquent Pat himeelf, a nautical Colossus astride on his own aadebeat, with stable sea-legs Seale Sree. the swirl of the sea, the swish of the waves, the very whiff of the wind so vividly suggested !—and all in some few square inches of ‘‘ Black-and- White!” Look, again, at the breadth of treatment, the power of humorous characterisation, the strong of technique, the colour, the action. the marvellous ease and accuracy of street perspective in No. 16 (** The Penny Toy!”). Action? Why, you can see the old lady jump, let alone the frog! Fix your eye on the frightened dame’s ~_, and you'll swear it jerks in time to the leap of the ‘‘ horrid e. Or at that vivid bit of London “hoarding,” and London low life, and London street-distance in ‘‘’ Andicapped !” (No. 25.) Good as is the “gaol-bird,” is not the wonderfully real ‘* hoarding” almost better ? Who now can draw—or, for that matter, paint—such a shopkeeper, such a shop, such a child customer as those in “‘ All Alive!’ (No. 41), where the Little Girl a-tip-toe with a wedge of cheap “Cheddar” at the counter, comes down upon him of the apron wit the crusher, ‘‘Oh, mother’s sent back this 0’ cheese, ’cause father says if he wants any bait when he’s ’ a fishin’, he can dig ’em up in our garden!” Are you a fisherman. reader? Then will you feel your angling as well as your artistic heart warmed by No. 75 (‘* The Old Adam”’) and No. 6 (‘* Wet and Dry”), the former i ! What water, what Scotch boys, what a “ prencipled” t torial) ‘‘ Mee- nister”’! Don’t you feel your elbow twitch ? 't you want to snatch the rod from Sanpy McDovear’s hand, and land that ‘‘ fush” yourself, Sawbath or no Sawbath ? } But, bless us, one wants to describe, and praise, and purchase them all! A Keene drawing, almost any Keene drawing, is **a thing of beauty and a joy for ever” to everyone who has an eye for admirable art and adorable drollery. And good as is the fun of these drawings, the graphic force, and breadth, and delicacy, and freshness, and buoyancy, and breeziness, and ey ease, and miraculous -airiness, and general delightfulness them, are yet more marked and marvellous. Time would fail to tell a tithe of their merits. An essay might be penned on any one of them— might, but fate forbid it should be, unless a sort of artistic Cusntrs Lame could take the task in hand. Better far go again to New Bond Street and pass another happy hour or two with the ruddy rustics and ‘cute cockneys, Seoteh elders and Anglican curates, the stodgy “‘Old Gents” and broad-backed, bunehy middle-class matrons, the paunchy port-swigging-buffers, and hungry but alert street-boys, the stertorous cabbies, and chatty’ bus-drivers, the “festive” diners-out and wary waiters, the Volunteers and vauriens, the Artists and ’Arries, the policemen and sportsmen, amidst the incomparable street scenes, and the equally inimitable lanes, coppices, turnip-fields and stubbles, green glades and snow- bound country roads of wonderful, ever-delightful, and—for his com - rades and the Public alike—all-too-soon-departed Cuantes Kerny! Nothing really worthy of his astonishing life-work. of even that part of it exhibited here, could be written within brief compass, even by the most —- admiring, and art-loving his sorrowing friends or colleagues. Let the British Public go to New Bond Street, and see for iteelf, in the very hand-work of this great artist, what he made manifest during so many years in the page s of Punch, namely, the supreme triumph of * Black-and-White” in the achievements of ite greatest master. VOL, ©, N

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Tue Frogs, who lived a free and easy life (As in the ancient fable) Though not quite clear from internecine strife, i were well able To do without a King. Batrachian wisdom Disdains the rule of fogeydom and quizdom, And Frogs as soon would take to bibs and corals, As ask a ‘King who might inspect their morals’ From Jupiter. Then ’twas Juventus Mundi ; The true King-maker now is—Mrs. Gruwpy, KING STORK AND KING LOG. Aw Otp Fasiz Revenrsep, And she insisted that our modern Frogs Should have a King—the woodenest of King But in the fulness of the time, there came A would-be monarch—Legion his fit name ; A Fisto-eppeiated Autocrat, Stork-throated, Goggle-eyed, Paul-Pry-coated ; passionately, sometimes A poking, peering, pompous, petty creature At first this terrified our Frogs exceedingly, But finding soon how placidly Log rested Prone in the pool with mighty little motion, Ot danger they headend the wild notion, Finding it easy for a Frog to jog On with a kind King Log. g, cr hd A Bumble-King, with beak for its chief This new King Stork, (feature. With a fierce, fussy appetite for work ; Not satisfied with fixing like a vice Authority on Town and Country Mice Tried to extend his sway to bogs, And rule the Frogs! ei. i i. on em =o etal in i ein aa, oe

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~ Mancu 21, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 135 t modern Frogdom, which had i re Had read old Asor’s fable, able, And of Biss 5 Stork’s appearance far from Croaled forth» chorus clamorous Of sesenant sebellion. On le +, -,™ def Great Craucasip poy orm ae CRAMBOPHAGUS, a8 as is a Tree, Flouted kins Stork with gestures fierce and Tiny batrachian dee, pe § PeassoPHAGus, Bande did wily wor true, Webbed hands pom neny Ay wee poo With the bird— “ He be "ive “Tike they obey loudly exled. strong to Off, would-be tyrant, off!!!” age po ane Oe pe une men, of any sc oregee & ex to the character of Setanta Tat ea nade advertisement of the L yeeum Theatre in The Times for March 13:—** During Holy wee this theatre will be rb general tice ? aT Nturgisal student knows that the bells yed once on Holy Saturday, and that they Thould be played om Easter onday is a matter of course. TRACKS FOR THE TIMES, {A Magistrate has just decided that the Police have a right to interfere with the growing practice of using the public roads of the at night- time as running-grounds for athletes. I come from haunts of smoke and grime, And race cash might eretnet Ola Tim nd race eac Enthusiastically ! ‘ I dodge past frightened City gents, And sometimes send then flying, Which makes them cherish sentiments Not wholly edifying. I wind about, and in and out, While fore crowded pavement, ai, Tale, I flash, I flee mi teeming traffi had ddverodiantionte es Idioms extremely graphic. Im hie ane er My faring public road into . A private path of cinder. et still to “ spart,” agile, alert, Shall be my one endeavour ; For Cits may stare, and Jehus swear, But I run on for ever ! TI Hl MT NY yt ii NAH a i} il | y, 1 Wil iy Ni {)\ tlh yun WW, Fi) ae, HA linn”). Wh a \ i +} i i hh } mt A ——— °4 oa =a Gero My Se Hal pl a THE BLIZZARD. Mas, Setpom-Festive ‘‘ At Home” (anp THE Best Piace Too !), Manca 9, 1891, (10 to 1 Nobody turns up.) A DIARY OF DOVER, March, 1891.—Fearful storm in the Channel, when the Victoria is all but lost. Proposals in all the newspapers for the immediate commencement of an adequate harbour. April, 1892.—Hurricane in the Channel, when “wy ships are lost, and the Club Train Boat (without passengers) is carried, a= fy as far as Amiens, ee Renewed suggestions for the immediate building of an uate harbour. ‘ay, 1893.—Cyclone in the Channel, in which o peee Fleet ie wy The news- once immediate — the proposed adequate harbour. Every “in vessel oe, ening to the terrific weather. Again the Press invites commencement of an adequate harbour. July, 1 “Member of both Houses of Parliament, invited to take "in a State the prom — Pool the sh anced ceapaebiben od Ps ag ry? for commencemen much- er. a —,—Proposed adequate harbour having employed the hands, night and day of th ‘of workmen, at enormous expense (owing urgent pressure), is at Slngth opened to the public, amidst universal rejoicing.

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| Society has existed for weeks in the Lower Third! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Manon 21, 1891, ——$— MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. (Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P,’s Own Harmless Ibsenite.) No, L—ROSMERSHOLM. Acr I, Sitting-room at Rosmershilm, with a stove, flower-stand, windows, ancient and modern ancestors, doors, and everything handsome about i, Resroca Wrst is sitting knitting a large antimacassar which is nearly finished. Now and then she looks out of a window, and smiles and nods to someone outside. Madam Hetsetu is laying the table for supper. Rebecca ( fol up her work slowly). But tell me precisely, what about this ite Horse ? Smiling quid. Madam Helseth. Lord forgive you, Miss !—( fetchs and placing tt on table)—but *re making fun of me! Rebecca (gravely). No, indood. Nobody makes fun at Rosmers- hélm, Mr, Roswer would not understand it. (Shutting window.) Ah, here is Rector Knox. (Conn —? You will stay to supper, will you not, Rector, and I will tell to give us some little extra dish. Kroll (hanging up his hat in the hall), Many thanks, (Wipes his boots.) ay | come in? (Comes in, puts y cruet-stand, | down his stick, sits down, and I don’t want any supper. [He lights a candle, and goes out ; pre. sently his footsteps are heard overhead, as he undresses. Renrces pulls a bell-rope. Reb. (to Madam Hetsern, who enters with dishes.) No, Mr. Rosmer will not have supper ae: (In a lighter tone.) Perhaps he is afraid of the nightmare. are so many sorts of White Horses in this world! Mad. H., (shaking). Lord! lord! that Miss West—the things she does say! ([Res. goes out through door, knitting antimacassar thoughtfully, as Curtain falls, Acr II. Rosmen’s study. Doors and windows, bookshelves, a writing-table, Door, with curtain, leading to Rosmen's bedroom, Rosmer du- covered in a smoking-jacket cutting a pamphlet with a paper- ae save is a knock at the " Lavanya pe Come in, EBRCCA enters in a morning wrapper and curl-papers, She sits on a chair close to Rosman, and looks over his thonlder as he cuts the leaves. Rector Knox is shown up. Kroll (lays his hat on the table and looks at Res. from head to foot). I am really afraid that 1 am in the way. Reb. (surprised), Because I am in my morning wrapper and curl-papers? You forget that I am emancipated, Rector KRoLL. them and listens behind looks about him.) And how do you and Rosmer on together, eh ? [She leaves Reb. Ever since your sister, Beata, went mad and jumped into the mill- curtain in RosmEr’s bedroom. race, we have been as ha as two little birds together. (After a pause, Rosmer. Yes, Miss West and I have sitting down in arm-chair. alone with Rosmen?’ We were you might, perhaps. Kroll, Y how on earth—on the ' contrary, I shouldn’t object at all if you (looks at her meaningly)—h’m! Reb. (interrupting, gravely). For shame, Rector; how can you make such jokes ! Kroll (as if surprised), Jokes? We § do not joke in these parte—but here is RosmMER, and softl | Enter Rosmen, gentl softly. Roamer, So, my dear old friend, you have come again, after a year’s absence, ax down.) We almost thought that—— Kroll (nods), 80 Miss West was saying—but you are quite mistaken. I merely thought I t remind you, if 1 came, of our poor Brata’s suicide, so I kept away. We Norwegians are not without our simple tact. Rosmer. lt was considerate— but unnecessary. Res—l mean, Miss Weer and I often allude to the inci- dent, do we not ? Reb. (strikes Tiindstickor). Oh, yes, indeed. (Laghting —y | Whenever we feel a little more cheerful than usual. Kroll, You dear good people! (Wanders up the room.) I came because the Spirit of Revolt has crept into my School. A Secret To-day it has was payee for me by 1 then discovered that a come to my knowledge that a booby-tra the hand of my own son, Lavagirts, an hair has been inserted in my cane by my daughter Hmpa! The only way in which a right-minded Schoolmaster can combat this anarchic and subversive spirit is to start a newspaper, and I ht that you, as a weak, credulous, inexperienced and impressionable kind of man, were the very person to be the Editor. (Ren. laughs softly, as if to herself. Rosmer jumps up and sits down again, Reb. (with a ‘ook at Rosmer). Tell him now ! Rosmer (returning the look). I can’t—some other evening. Well, perhaps—— (Zo Kroxt.) I can’t be your Editor—because (in a low voice) l—I am on the side of Lavzrrs and Hrzpa! Kroll (looks from one to the other, gloomily). H’m! Roswmer. Yes. Since we last met, I have changed my views. I am going to create a new democracy, and awaken it to its true task of making all the people of this country noblemen, by freeing their wills, and purifying their minds! Kroll, What do you mean? [Takes up his hat. Rosmer (bowing his head). I don’t quite know, my dear friend ; it was Kes—— | should say, Miss Wasr's echeme. Krol. Hm! (A susp pears in his face.) Now I begin to believe that what Beata said about schemes——no matter. But, under the circumstances, I will not stay to » stick, and walks out. T Rosmer, I told you he would tym I shall go to bed now. So Dads really mind my living here all “ Taking off his gloves meaningly.” worked our way forward in faithful comradeship. Kroll (shakes his head at slowly). 80 I perceive. Miss West is naturally inclined to be forward. But, I say, at fee know—— However, I came to tell you that BEATA was not so mad as she ked, though flowers did bewilder her #0. (Taki off his gloves meaningly.) She jum ideathat yououghttomarry Mise Wx! ideat ‘ou iss W zest! y rsends (jumps half u ‘om his chair), 1? Marry—Miss West! my good gracious, Kroti! I don’t under- stand, it is most incom ible, (Looks fixedly before him.) How can people—— (looks at him for a moment, then rises.) Will you get out? (Still quiet and self-restrained,) But, first tell me why you never mentioned this before ? Kroll, Why? Because I thought you were orthodox, which made all the difference. Now I know that > you side with Lavarrrs and Hrrna, and “5 mean to e the democracy into noblemen, and accordingly I intend to make it hot for you in my paper. | Good morning! [He slams the door with spite as Repecca enters Srom bed-room, Rosmer (as if surprised). You—in my bedroom! You have been listening, dear? But you are so emancipated. Ah, well! so our e and beautiful friendship has been misinterpreted, bespattered | Fast because you wear a morning wrapper, and have lived here alone for a year, people with coarse and ignoble eyes make unpleasant remarks! But what really did drive Beata mad? Why did she jump into the mill-race? I’m sure we did everything we could to her! I made it the business of my life to keep her in ignorance of all our interests—didn’t I, now ? . e Reb. = did—but ay over Se Lee of meter! et on with your great, beautiful task, dear, (a ing him cautiously from behind), ee over minds and wills, and creating noblemen, you know—joyvfu/ noblemen ! Rosmer (walking about, restlessly, as if in thought). Yes, I know. I have never laughed in the whole course of my life—we Rosmzns don’t—and so | felt that spreading gladness and light, and maki n| the democracy joyful, was properly my mission. But now—I fe too upset to goon, Repzcca, unless—— (Shakes his head heavily.) Yes, Ae a jest pes ate 3 to me—(looks at asf ef then runs is ha t is hair)—oh, m ess, no—I can a ‘ [He leans his elbows" on table. Reb, Be « free man to the full, Roswxn—tell me your ides. ; Rosmer (gloomily). I don’t know wins 5 "1 say toit. It’s this. Our platonic comradeship was all v while I was and . Now that I’m bothered badgered, I feel—tohy, I can’t exactly explain, but I do feel that I must oppose a new and living reality to the gnawing memories of the past. I should, perhaps, explain that this is equivalent to an [bsenian proposal.

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s S20 FE es & BE

Mancn 21, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137

Reb. (catches at the chairback with last ! (Recollects herself. emancipated enigma Po ( joy). How? at last—a rise at | But what am I about? Am I not an hands over her ears as vf in terror.) Soaway, do! saying?’ You mustn’t. I can’t think what you mean. 0 Go away, Rosmer ( softly). Be the new and living a9 It is the only way to put Beara out of the Saga. Shall we try it? eb, Never! Do not—do not ask me why—for I haven’t a notion— but never! (Nods slowly to him and een White Horses would not induce me! (With her hand on door-handle.) Rosmer (sits up, stares thunderstruck at the stove, ond nop toh what d self), Well—I—am—— eae! (The remaining two Acts of —> pevehelagienl study unavoidably over.

“KEEP YOUR HARE ON!” In not following the advice given in the headline to this article, clever Mr. Prveno has made a mistake. jon Dea se only a very little Hane isa go to ‘* Hare’s Theatre” ( t. The maj of those who

Hare’s Theatre, of Les Oiseaux peculiarly successful ? because it was a t, fresh, and pretty piece, ePaper wl me Aas ts = = artistically introduced as to humour of the characters and have gone for comparativel _ of Mr. Hare’s rendering did not consist of ‘he situations; bey 2il thi dominating everything and ma ade ig be a a is not so with lerve Bountiful, of the Author's, as et on — another name, raises hopes at the long before the finish. The Grove’s John Veale, another ‘ pent gutters ont, a6. eron, who is no creation but merely Mr. Skimpole under commencement, which are blighted does Mr, CHARLES ”’ Young Mr. Grusert Hane makes a most Prttablen first appearance as Sir Lucian Brent, Bart, He is easy and For the an old Eton Latin Grammar in his if Miss Kare Rorxe had mortalium omnibus horis sapit.”” commenced, ** Nemo mortalum,” ** omnibus ‘horis ; ” then, both had snubbed him, he ** Verbum personale,” an natural, ter part of the educated ets it might have been if Sir Richard Philliter mae gre e about with his pocket, in instead Horace ; and with him the quotation, “ Nemo = being Fn rye might have she have contin “ sapit. ” Or when she tapethen, ight have made some telling remark about so forth. The introduction of a quotation | from Horace is likely rather to be resented than the victims of a superior ed appreciated by What a bad quarter of an hour or ucation. 80 Paterfamilias will have when Materfamilias asks him for the translation of these lines from Horace! Poor Pater will pretend not to have ‘‘ quite caught them ;” or ‘not been attending;” but to himself he will own how entirel: he has i his Latin, and pothege he ill make a resolution to himself to ‘‘look up his Horace again.” Then the lerned Tethedion di ey fee eaten by ber or by her si though she m it offhand at one hearing is question by saying, The youth in as much equal to the translation offhan Che ble to oot it when she we a difficulty, and she ** Please, don’t talk ! Stalls, fresh from that Latin means,” t, to ‘enndiade evade the want to listen to the piece.” co) or school, will be about as is young Sir — Brent when asked by Mr. Carucarr to give the meanin Latin on the ancient brasses in the old ch you for bringing school studies into g of ah, and they won't tank playtime. On the whole, nothing is gained by this Dr. Panglossian introduction of Latin I my “ in the penultimate Act, but continued yi ht through to he ak, and, if you will allow me

seemed to me to be what the author had mate them—i.¢., stagey. Miss Dotones DaumMonp, as Mrs. Veale, is very goed, and Marre Livpew, except in one wn. 4 bit in the rd Act, plays with great care and judgment. interior of the old country church (Act IIL.) is a masterpiece of scenic art and ment,—a perfect picture by Mr. W. A. say the same of the dénoilment of the strongly reminded me of a pictorial headin —t some exciting chapter —_ pap tee mae y The jaa aa It isa very weak not si eee ry ee RE.

THE BOAT-RACE TEN YEARS HENCE! (When no doubt it will be conducted on strictly scientific principles.) THe crews were met together on the day fixed for the event in the Council Room of the Combined Universities moored at Putney. Fifteen of the athletes wore the usual a mufti, which contrasted strongly a the garb of the sixteenth—a com- plete suit of flannels. <— ead sen ness ?’”’ cl the Oxmtocd. one of his own ania is “Why not?” rep the other; we 4.3. we are not going to payee » explained the leader of the “We are not goin Oxbridge Eight, gig ek ot we can manage the matter im © teove calictaatery feahion It was all very well in the N to race in real earnest, but now that we have reached the Twentieth Century our civilisation better. ** Oertainly!” returned the Camford ; “and I think we better get at once to business. sworw information of our respective coaches ?”’ “T have,” replied the Hon, Solicitor to the rival Boating Clubs ; Twill produce them—or rather 4, for the — re ening A the man of Jaw, putting on hi resen escence man of law, putting on his epectaclen, and opening a brief- bag, produced a document, and read we is our opinion that her agen as the advantage over Camf Ser tenting is onl entirely removed, by the steering of Koy Oxbridge coxw oe =n infinitely preferable to the steering of his the various trials, too, have in every instance given a distinot ad civantage to Oxbridge. Again, they have a better boat. oe, Bate Sie , the result is conclusion. Oxbri ust win, although no wns Camford would k ht f and conte in a m tf os = + ae pon ret pare “sy suggested the Cam ford troke, with rather a forved ** Sir!” exclaimed the Hon. Solicitor, with some . “Ina moat, of gentlemen like those present, accidents always are ** Quite so,” admitted the Camford champion, ‘ and I suppose our committee of the latest Senior Wrangler and the om pele Double First have considered what I ay oe call the atmospheric conditions under which the race would have taken baa ** Yes, Sir, we have, and Sie « are all unfavourable to the success of Camford,” was the ready reply. ** Then I think we have but one more thing to do—to give three hearty cheers for our ” said the Oxbridge Stroke, and a minute later the rafters with loud applause. ** But why shouldn’t we have rowed it out ?” asked the tleman ye was a Freahman—a little later. ‘‘ Surely that would ve more sa . Not at all,” was the reply. ‘‘The plan is merely a survival of the fittest!” and his answer afforded general satisf

Shelley Revised. Are cradled into am Het iri sau And learn as forenla what they print es passion.

Tue = gry mn Wale the pager i hands gh nay tg Rey mediately followed by B Black on . Exciting match, with one life each.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ss aah aa heath, et ‘ LUT eee [Marcn 21, 1801. | : pee) (z Hiss! jit MN. gil y i CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED. Jones, ‘‘ OON-FOUND IT ALL ! SomEnopy ’s TAKEN uY HAT, AND LEFT THIS FILTHY, BEASTLY, SHABBY OLD THING INSTEAD |” Brown. ‘‘A—1 BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT THAT HAPPENS TO BE MY Har!” KEPT IN THE STABLE. Head Groom B-Iif-r log. :— Kerr in! Yes, by thunder! Be’t prudence or blunder, Gov’s fondness for Tithe, or bad weather, or what, You ’re kept in the stable, though fit, ay, and able To lead the whole field and to win by a lot. A hunter I never best half as clever! Tithe? Pooh! He’s not in it, my beauty, with you. You ’ve breed, style, and mettle, look in rare fettle. If J had to settle, you know what J’d do! These gentlemen-riders deem all are outsiders Save them ; as if gent ever made A 1 jock ! Ah! Apam L. Gorpow,*® poor chap, had a word on Sach matters. I’ll warrant Ae sat like a rock, And went like a blizzard. Yes, beauty, it is hard To eat off your head in the stable like this. Too long you have idled ; but wait till you ’re bridled ! The hunt of the season I swear you won't miss. It;has been hard weather, although, beauty, whether Tis that altogether your chance that poned, Or whether Boss SoLLy committed a folly —— No matter! A comelier crack he ne’er owned, Although ’tis I say it who shouldn’t. The way it Has snowed endl has frozen may be his excuse ; But when you’re once started, deer-limbed, lion- hearted, I warrant, my beauty, you'll go like the deuce. “* A lean head and fiery, strong quarters, and wiry, A loin rather light, but a shoulder superb,” That ’s Gornpon’s description of Jseult. (All whip shun When riding such rattlers, and trust to the pom & That mare was your sort, lad. Egress Shane S be apart, lad, When you e strong running, and near the jump. And you, when neem = | look “* ike and splendid Ah! poor Loypsay Gorpon was sporteman trump. * Apam Lixpeay Gorpon, the ardent, horse-loving Australian poet. I see your sleek muzzle in front! It will puzzle Your critics, my boy, to pick holes in you then : There ’s howling “ Hisronicus,””—he’s but a sorry cuss! Wee, too, that grandest of all grand old men ; He’s ridden some races ; of chances and paces, Of crocks versus cracks he did ought to be judge. He sees you are speedy ; when Mor.ey sneers ** Weedy,” Or Las doubts your staying, Wee knows it ’s all fudge! We're biding our time, lad. Your fettle is prime, lad; Though we’re frost-bound now, open weather must come, At least after Easter; and, beauty, when we stir, And forge to the front, lad, we ’ll just make things hum. In spite ef much ruction concerning Obstruction, I wish—in a whisper—we’'d started before, — And, forcing the sunning, discarding all cunning, Romped in—as we wili—’midst a general roar ! MORE IBSENITY. Gnosts at the Royalty. ‘‘ Alas, Ghosts!” A shady piece. “‘ No money taken at the doors” on this occasion, which is making 4 virtue of necessity. This being the case, Ghosts was, and, if played again will be, witnessed by an audience mainly composed of ‘* Dead- heads.” Lively this. The Critics have spoken out strongly, and those interested in this I[bsenity should read the criticisms pre- sumably by Mr. Crement Scort in The Telegraph and Mr. Mor Tuomas in The Daily News. Stingers; but as outspoken as they are true and just in all their dealings with this Ibsenian craze. ** Les Orszavx.”’—Mrs. Ram says she pities any unfortunate man whose wife has a fearful temper. She knows one such husband who quite quails before his wife, ‘and I’m not surprised,” adds Mrs. K., ‘for 1 know her, and she’s a regular ptarmigan.” Tux Comme Cewsvs.—Cantrie said, “The population of the British Empire is composed of so many millions, mostly fools. Will the Census be taken on the First of April?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mancu 21, 1891.

LOM 6d — Sse a teed AI i cid ddaeh QQ \

\\aN\ ’ de — bend aan —— <= pm, ‘op KEPT IN THE Heap Groom. ‘AH, MY BEAUTY !—YOU HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE YET~—BUT WE SHALL HAVE SOME OPEN WEATHER AFTER EASTER!”

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ea Marca 21, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. aron ean highly recommend The Wi of Sin, by Lucas ae Iam i pend ” says the B. DE BW. Bet this is the ‘wn de plume of an Authoress, This Maver. should be Femalet.” Re this as it may, the Baron, She fe dlowote itself, will not atoms veil, Some of the writi es bit tall; but thank heaven, my old wsthetic friend, ‘‘0-the-pity-of-it” _ oceurs only once; and 0 | the pity of it when he does 80, gives a ‘* MAUDLE and PosTLeruwairs ” tone to the in question. What Sree haffle” mean ? (Vol. LIL, p. 82.) Genius has a right to create words ; ) | and when Genius does so, ye.) the very sound of the word ‘» conveys its meaning with TAR and frequently without a the context. “But I’m oo/? hnffled,” says the Baron, **if I understand it here.’ Wa)” s/ Still ** huffled” is a good- nal substitute for strong lan- guage, when you’re ruffled. Don’t let the light-hearted reader be deterred by the slow of Volume One; but stick to it, and avoid skipping. A selfish mean cuss is the ** hero,” so to style him ; consider him in Society as a first- Bs u\" \iy ALYY and personally, the Baron would class artistic bore. The character is drawn with t skill, as are they all. The description of Mrs. Crookendon’s -dinner party is as life-like as if it were a well- scene in a well-written and well-cast Drama. “T have been dipping into Country House Sketches, by C. C. Rays,” says the ‘and have come to the conclusion that if the author, youthful I fancy, would give himself time, and have Lever,’ result would be a Jack Hinton Junior, with a smack of Soa certain cocksureness about them which savours of oguntey house who will insist on tellin eeries of about himself, one after the other, until the guests i room, in sheer despair of ever ing their themeelves, or of turning on the tap of their their candles, yawn, and go pensively to bed. My “‘ Faithful Co.” informs me that he has been readin: ¥ excellent Sketches of England, by a “* Foreign Artist,” and a represen P. Virrars. My “Co.” sa the best books upon La he read. scribe and illustrator are evidently fond of the “* Foreigners find in the British Isles. Mons, Vittars, however, makes one startling assertion, which has taken my “Co,” by surprise. The ‘* Foreign Author” declares that ** laughter never Ytruck his ears.” Now our Monsieur is an admirable raconteur, and if he ever told one of his capital stories to an 5 arr: of average intelligence, he must have heard laughter. He has also read a rather strange work called, What will Mrs. Grundy say? My “Co.” declares os, considering its ented, Be book, which is not without merit, migh be recommended as a disciplinary exercise during Lent. Says“ Co. Junior,” to the Baron, ‘Sir, I?ve just come across A UstiN Dossow and his Four Frenchwomen.” “Hold!” cries the Baron, frowning. “No scandal.” ‘‘ Nay, Sir,” ** Co, Junior,” ner- vously. ‘‘’tis but the title of a boo says the Baron, waving his hand —, pE Corpay, Madame Roanp, the Princesse pz Lamnatie, and Madame pz Genus. I recommend it, Sir. Tolle, Lege!” And with a bow “ Co. Junior,” withdraws from the presence. Quoth the Baron, “‘ I was again into Saint Monica, just to see if I might like it any i first occasion— which, “with me hand upon cannot say I do,—when I came the following ' woman, nevertheless, worshi of wdoltary.” It’s a beautiful word out; and, just at this time, Saint Monica mustn't be sort of way with the House at Cambridge where too much spun associa Tue Barzow pe Boox- Worms. ted in any the patience to ‘follow my ey Sponge in it.” The short stories are all, more or less, good, an d be still better but for a they spin. TO A DEBUTANTE. F a aiden of watanted a omy o, gaily, ’mid the gay the gay To England, Home, and Daty now Oblation payest. Gay seeming,—if the milliner’s Can cheer, the florist’s homage sightly ; And yet, unless my fancy errs, Thou shudderest slightly. Is it a sigh for childhood’s bliss, |__A dread of what is coming, come what May matrimonially—or is It draughty somewhat ? St. James’s corridors are long As Art, as Life thy raiment brief is (Except the train, of course)—and strong Mamma’s relief is. In vulgar phrase, ‘* Your mother knows | You're owt,” at length. Such triumphs too dear _ Are sometimes purchased. I suppose She fidgets you, dear. “THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM, TRA-LAI” “The Countess !—bow, child, to the Earl !— The Dancing Girl at the Haymarket—of Those terrible Hypz Parkes! Their posies course people will talk—why she’s nothing Look quite too vulgar; cut them, girl. to the girls who dance to M, Jacon1’s inimit- How red your nose “f - panet-onee 2 > fore a .. “ Qui powder t ve a e w ** puzz Nee os uet or ee Ee Quaker * and I don’t mind admitting that Don’ ent : | was the quaker when I saw a fair and come on’t bungle so; you'll drop that glove— Pisses take mone care ROW oe ap AF ow Ny fo , ancing on y ‘‘Aero- “You stoop like any bourgeoise chit. th’ appeared «| lithe” is as good as any of her marvellous Who'd think you educated highly ? wi. i's ie Flower oe wherein predecessors, the Va Girl included. No, not so stiff. Do blush bit, itwas stated that a silver medal was awarded | As ® conjuror, Mr. Cant Hentz, who | take And simper shyly. to Mr. Barn for his “* pretty collections, which to be the inventor the e ill m1 Ah! Maiden fair of cloudless air, included the spurwus Beary Irving.” There’s is aleo pneommonly and this “Ten This kind of thing is hardly t. an “0” omi of course, but it’s the same | o’Clock,” to all lovers of the marvellous, can Indeed, I’m thankful not to wear and, Who is the ‘spurious Hxxny In-| be recommended by Thy shoes at present! vine” ? does this flower of the Drama Tux Facutty vor AMUSEMENT. the Lyceum Theatre ? does Hewzicus Srurivs in the Hare-Bells ? ent Garden? or is it, bs} flourish, away from What and where psy ? Does he @ s he to bloom in after all, only a plant? There is only Hewnicus Ixvineus, and he’s not ‘ spuriue. QUEER QUERIES. Hearru.—I am not an invalid, but I suffer from giddiness, a feeling of suffocation, with excruciati ins, and apparent opene . My mental feebleness finds vent in puns that have alienated my oldest friends, Could some Correspondent explain there ptoms? I do not believe in but am taking ‘‘ Soft-sawder’s Emulgent Balsam of Aconi ” It does not seem to have done me much good yet, but that is probably due to my not having tried it long enough.—RKaTHER Anxious. A Dawcrxc-on-Noruine Grat.—Talk of

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PUNCH, OR

i

Wt erence Dre

RANDOM ALADDIN. His ADVENTURES IN MasHONALAND, AN ARABIAN Nicat’s Dezam. Swyooze No, 1.

Wo Meee wee ease kw a cS’ ae SS BE © a Ld an .- <a est oo =. reo «@ «eae he oO Oe oS ee es OO. ee we

| poo ae

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B91, | | | | |

S| Marcu 21, 1891.)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 1438

“OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!” (Hex Massy in the evening witnessed the performance of The Gendolens, a Cuno Ooms, crepes’ by Sir Ageuen Denasnen, th terloo A v ea ; ie the m ement of Me R. D'Oriy ele the Times Court Circular, Monday, March 9.} “4 Comic Opera, composed by Sir AkTHUR ScLiivan.” | Quite a; where = Ww. 3. Sexeens emma in ? Let | us see. r giving programme, iving ‘all the characters and the supers, the words * Dromate | Persone” occur as an after-thought, and underneath | are the names of the Musical Director, 8 Manager, | Wig Provider, &c., &c. Well, * W. 8. G.” "t come lin here. After the r successful performance, | R. D’Orty Carre, says the C. C., “had the honour | of being presented to Her Mavszsry, who expressed her | warm appreciation of the manner in which the perform- | ance was conducted.” Did R. D'Orzy think of men- tioning that “‘ the words” were by W. 8.G.? And then ay L ties 8 ae to take Uae. | for the performance. generous- j | minded, and liberal D'Orty! Sir Arruur CourtLy | SULLIVAN’s name was to | ill, and so his consent to | this extra act of generosity mete taken for granted. | But vast a a ae 7 18 we - By the merry-maskins, but an pleased, dub me knight | Samingo! Will D’Orxy be dubbed Knight ? nd whet | sortofa Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing | little episode in the more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why not a “‘ Carpet Knight” ?

A Mere Suaeestion ron Next True.—Last Tuesday, | under the heading of ton the Times announced | that ‘at the Society of Arts Mr. J. Sranxre GaRpNeEp, | as Cantor Lecturer, would discourse on ‘ Enamelling and | Damascening,’ Professor H. Herxomes being in the | Chair.” Our excellent Bushian Professor was right | man in the right place, being to interested in theatrical | matters; but, at the same time, wouldn’t the lecture on “ Damascening,” or ‘* How to Dam-a-scene,” have been more suitably given at the Playwreckers’ Club, with Mr. Jenumxky Jervm in Chair ?

Sone or THE Betts or Ricnmonp.—‘‘Turn again, Wuirtaxer, First Mayor of Richmond.”

A NEW SECT. ‘AND IS THE NEW OCURATE MARRIEZD, Mus, Jenkins!” ‘On wo, Ma'am. He's WHAT THEY CALL A CHALYREATE!"

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE Diary oF Tosy, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9.—Naval Estimates on again. Ap delayed by action of Cameron; House been Counted Out on Friday; necessary for Government to set up Supply oeain ; — — apy ACKSON; CAMERON objects; distressed to think that Govern- ment should have fallen so low as season, to do the work of the nation. Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on ; sniceure and thele ttlends go of to dinner; and, it being found \ F Members \ wnt, House is Counted Oct ct @ << A . ne MAIER SO ; KX - Ss ~ \ ~ . half- ight. Night absolute) . lost; Bitten ish y = away.” ~ “Ah!” I said, sympathetically; NG ‘mast have been very hard upon in shade. And then to be suddenly Counted Out! How many of you ve there when the Count was e? ” “ Well—er—you see, Tony,” “Count” Comeven. said Cameron, almost blushing; ‘‘ the fact is I wasn’t there myself, though that, of deter me from invoking censure on

course, does not Ministers, indeed I am not sure that the circumstance doesn’t place of game. I was outside; had, in fact, ortably off to dinner, expecting other people would stop to make House. But they didn’t, and I feel I’m just the man to make it hot for Oxp Moxatrry and his friends, who ought to have been here.” Other Bn didn’t seem to see it in quite that light. Condem- otion negatived by 184 Votes against 42, House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore Harcourt appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, en aa smell of stale mussels and —_ Com- modore loo very im pacing down quarter- towards Mace, with telescope oe i arm, ae mg ag | well over his ears, and unpolished square-toed boots sing, his knees. A blizzard outside; snow and wind ; bitterl ; but the Commodore soon made it hot all round. Fell upon Joxrm spars and sails, stem and starn. “ Regularly claw-hammered him,” as Grorox Hamictow said, drawing on naval resources for adequate adjective. him of making a speech that would have become Canes THE Frest. Talk a revolution ; about levying Ship Money ; hinted at Hamppen, and, unrebuked unoffending Prince Antuux the ‘‘ youthfal Sra i onl an audience. But the storm burst as suddenly as blizzard without. Nobody close-hauled, meant Few present to witness the perturbed scene on the Bench :—Oxp Moraurry huddled up against Groncre Hamitton, who was ne y ing sheet of paper into measured strips; Joxrm shaking in every limb, and white to the lips ; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the ows - possession, evidently not liking reference to Srnarronp. The Commodore, looking in his ulins considerably more than six foot high. stormed and raged what time the snow and sleet beat a wild accompaniment on the melaneholy windows. Business done.—Commodore Harcourt goes again on the rampage. Tuesday.—Howaxp Vincent rather staggered fo-night. Favoured ballot, threatened the Sreaxen, called FFORD.”

by fortune and the had secured first place for Motion on Friendly Societies. Useful thing for coming General Election to be

a me in a more favourable position. Outsiders, ae know, see most

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144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Lt (Marcu 21, 189], remembered as advocate of cause of Working Man. Bestowed much care on terms of Kesolution ; invited Government to encourage more general voluntary provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly dragged in the axiom that “* Sound prin- ciples of provident Insurance should be included in the subjects prescribed by the Edacation Code for instruction in elementary schools.” That meant to draw Otp Moratirr ; succeeded d merveiile. half cecing’ his eyes, and folding ‘his eyes, re f -a arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer softness his pe | countenance, “that reminds me of days. Many a time have I written out in my copy- book, ‘Take care of —_ Neighbour’s Pence, and your own Pounds will Take Care of Themselves.’ ‘ Borrow an Um- brella, and put it away for a Rainy Day.’ ‘Half a Currant Bun is better than No Bread’; ‘A Bird in a Pigeo Pie is better than three in the Bush.’ Got heaps of copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. Howarp Vincent is quite right. If there was more of this in our elementary schools, there would be, if I may say so, more men like me. You remember what Who’s-This said, ‘Let me write their copy-book headings, and I don’t care who makes their laws.’ Howarp Vincent is on the right tack; think we shall accept his Resolution.” ) So it eons tase been, A that og strategist oregone his speec : he had laid Resolution on the table, and said, *‘ There you are,” Government would have it, and he would have had a night of triumph. But he would speak. Spoke for an hour, and utterly rained chances of the Resolution he recom mended. Heresert Maxwett, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for Government, did his work siuisalte. After fearful fiasco with Caaruis last Friday, Orn Moratiry checked disposition to give young Ministers opportunity of distinguishing themselves. If Max- WELL made a mull of this, following on Friday week’s eotesteume with Caar.ix, it would be serious. MAXWELL won more than negative credit of not making mistake. He delivered excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject. Business done.—House Counted Out again. Thursday.—An Irish night at last. Quite a long time since we talked of the distressful country. Wouldn’t guess that Ireland was to the fore by looking at the . Irish quarter. Usual when Prince AxTuUR is on his feet expounding and defending his policy for Irish camp to be bristlag with contradic- tion and contumely. To- night only five there, includ- ing Buea Raseit. Bree Fox promised to come, but hasn’t turned up. Under- stood to be engaged in com- ition of new Manifesto. owards midnight Prince Axruur wearied of the quietude, observed that he didn’t believe there was a single Irish Member present. Whereupon Notax, waking from sleep, under shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted out, ** What?” TANNEK, just come in, roared, **Oh!” “* Ah!” said Prince Axtuvr, and the conversation termi- nated. _ abstention Herbert Maxwell Terformed his task well. Anon, Explanation of sin is, that business under discussion is Vote on account of Relief of Distress in Ireland. Prince Anruur asks for ry for that purpose ; —_ ne for Irish Members to obey ir first . Swift M‘Neill “prating.” instinct, and oppose Vote moved by mene ry me : Chief Secretary. Lf they were there, they might be expected to say, “Thank you,” so they stay away, one or two just looking in to contradict T. W. Russxtz—** Roaring” Rousset, Sark calls him— when he gave an account of what he saw during a recent visit to Ireland. Business done.—Relief voted for Irish Distress. es Friday Ni;ht.—Lo! a strange thing happened. Fell asleep ; now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no one outside oon comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar voice. "Twas the voice of Prince Antuvr,I heard him complain; something about Ground. rents in London. Not quite his subject; voice, too, didn’t seem to come from Treasury Bench. But no mistaking it; same tone; same inflection. Now I come to think of it, more like way he used to talk before he came to govern Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down. behold! it was brother GeraLp, opposing Srvant’s Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think I’ll go to sleep again. Business done,—Slept. THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS. [Not a week passes without Ot acillan’) of a fresh agent to destroy the Aacliius. Once I flourished unmolested, now my troubles never cease : Man, investigating monster, will not let me rest in peace. I am ta’en from friends and kindred, from my newly-wedded bride, And exposed—it ’s really shameless—on a microscopic slide, Sure some philbacillic person a Society should start For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor’s baleful art. Kocn the evil game first started, and his lymph came squirming in, But, ’twixt you and me, Bacilli did not care a single pin. We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us roam, But it’s hard, you must admit it, to be worried from your home, And methinks the hapless patient had much rather we had rest, When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his tortured breast. Then came Berner and his dodges ; his specific is to flood All the circulation freely with injections of goat’s blood. That is really rather soothing, and it doesn’t seem to hurt, Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic squirt ; Time will show if it’s effective, but ’twill be revenge most sweet If the patients take to butting every single soul they meet. Next fierce Lrepaizcn, quite 4 savage, has declared that we shall die Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish fy. We should like to ask the patient if he thiaks he’li live at ease, With his system impregnated with that vile cantharides ? We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal strife, Bat it’s any odds the patient will be blistered out of life. Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these indignities endare, Although every week brings news of an indubitable cure ; We have lived and flourished freely ever since the world began, And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of man ; While [’ll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to my song, That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply live as long. BLONDEL UP TO DATE, (A Fragment from a History of the Future.) Anp so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, no one knew whither. His followers, saving one, treated the matter very calmly. The exception, who was supposed to be wanting in his wits (he ~ on the barrel-organ), determined to do his best to rescue his Royal Master; and an idea occurred to him. He had noticed that when he performed on his musical instrument those who, perforce, were obliged to listen to him acted strangely. Some of his audiences had frowned, others had shaken their fists at him, and all had gone quickly away. Only once had a loiterer stayed behind, smiling a sweet smile, as if he were enjoying the music. To his regret, BLONDEL subsequently ascertained that the apparently charmed listener was stone deaf. So he argued that if his muse had so great an effect upon the population of his native village it would work marvels in the wide world without. And thus, with s heart full of hope and courage, he s on his travels. He wandered, turning the handle of his or, for many a Ww mile. He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the peo ut their heads out of their windows, and urged him imperiously to gone; and as he hurried away he gazed at their faces, hoping to have seen the King, his Master, but without avail. He felt, that were His Majesty to hear his music, there would be a farther supply of language savouring rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. But, alas! his search was im vain. At length, he reached London, and Seand it as silent as ae, gore} one wore no Gormes bands, no Niggers, not even a hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BuonD asked . i the meaning of this strange, this unlooked-fur quietude | ’ ** Strike up that organ of yours,” said the constable, surlily, I will soon show you!” Bionpet turned his handle, and was immediately arrested. ** What for?” echoed the policeman; ‘why, for infringing the provisions of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!” _ And with this brief explanation BLonDEL was carried off to prison: “+ and (jp NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in uo case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rale \uere Will be Bo eaception.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manzon 21, 1891. HONEY OF WISDOM. We gather the Honey of Wisdom from THORNS, not from FLOWERS, NOBILITY OF LIFE. WHO BEST CAN SUFFER, BEST CAN DO.—Mitton. The Vietorian Reign is unparalleled in the History of Great Empires for its Purity, Goodness, and Greatness! |! WHAT ALONE ENABLES US TO DRAW A JUST MORAL FROM vue TALE OF LIFE? Geese od ER Sha RRR AS OEE Ge VN RAS firmest str h to our religio SART fm 4 el . as ul—I wo answer with Con it 7 ENGR, Loss Livsos. nooo _— “Queen's Heap Hore , | Newcasria-orow Tywe, June 4, 1877. “ 8rz,—Allow me to present you with this Testimonial and Poem on ENO’S justly-celebrated FRUIT SALT. My occupation being a very sedentary one, I eame here to see what change of air would do for me, and, at the wish of some personal friends, I have taken your FRUIT SALT, and the good result therefrom is my reason for addressing you, “T am, Sir, yours truly, A Lapy.” As sunshine on fair Natore’s face, The Appetite it will enforce, hed from danger, free from harm, Which dearly do we love to trace ; And help the system in its course ; t acts like some magician'’s charm ; As welcome as the flowers in May, Perhaps you ‘ve ate or drank too much, At any time a dainty draught, That bloom around us on our way; It will restore like magic touch. Which will dispel disease's shaft; As welcome as the wild birds’ song, Depression, with ite fearful sway, More pr celess than the richest goid Which greets us #8 we go along ; It drives clectric-like away ; That ever did ite wealth anfold ; As welcome as the flowers’ perfume, And if the Blood is found impure, And a)i throughout our native land That scents the air in sweet, sweet June. It will effect a perfect eure, Bhould always have it at command. UPERIOR TO ALL OTHER SALINES.—“ Dear 8ir,—Having been in the habit of taking your ‘FRUIT SALT’ for many years, I think it only right to tell you that I consider it a most invaluable medigine, and far superior to al! other saline mixtures I have ever tricd, 1 am never without a bottle of it in the house, as I find it possesses three most desirable qualities—namely, it is pleasant to the taste, promptly efficacious, and leaves no unpleasant after-effects. I do not wish my name to appear, but a; art — the publication of that you are welcome to make use of this testimonial if it is of service.—A Davonenine Lapy.—Jan. 26, 1880.’ et tye CAIRO.—Since my arrival in Egyp’, in August last, I have on thre occasions been attacked by fever; from which on the first I lay in hospical for six weeks. The last attacks have been however, com letely repulsed ina remarkably short apace of time by the use of your valuable ‘FRUIT SALT,’ to which I owe my present health, at the v least, if not my life itec tr Heartfe't gratitude for my ;estoration and preservation impels me to add my testimo: y, and in *0 doing | feel that I am but obeying the dictates of duty.—Believe me to be, Sir, gratefully yours, A Corona, 18th Hussars, Mr. J.C, Ewo—May 26, 1988,” « I Be ov, + —w SALT’ freely in my last severe attack of fever, and I have every reason to say I believe it saved my r—, oe) BADACES AND DISORDERED STOMACH.—“ After suffering for nearly two and a half years from severe headache and disordered stomach, and after Tying almost everything, and spending much money without finding any beuvefit, | was recom mended by « friend to try your ‘FRUIT SALT,’ and, before I had finished one bottle, I found it doing me a great deal of good, ond , . now I am restored to my usual health. And others I know that have tried it have not enjoyed such good health for years,— Yours most iy truly, Ropzsart Humrneers, Post Office, Barrasford.” VWF nm The value of ENO'S ‘FRUIT SALT” cannot be told. Its success in Burope, Asis, Africa, America, and Australia, proves it. Bm CAUTION. —Eaumine each Bottle, und see that the Capeule is marked ENO’'S “ FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you have been imposed duis wohl hn’ @ worthless imitation, SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS. _ we REPARED ONLY AT es “ FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON, S.E,, BY J.C. ENO’S PATENT, B-. Re STRESS | The Real “Cup 0’ Kinda ‘Sir CHAS. CAMERON, nae —_* 7 00 Besstons Fost, centreaty edaptet t Yoo wants of ethane” Perlect Biending of & quesouse BRANDS Tor INTANTS, the Highest Ch 0! i On . Stoo | RAY FE S FE OO irraioa, BST AND CHEAP De. BARTLETT, Pb.D., F.C4., ry. —* The Piesh and Bone- forming comstituents are far above the average of the best Farinaceous Foods. * OQ, S. CARLTON OLD IRISH WHISKY . LEN DED SCOTCH rein ay HIGHLAND MALT CORK WHISKEY.| pisTiLLeRies we —_— Gy ELEVEN YEARS OLD. Continue to be supplied to ry Th Propristory aig, she GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIPITION, 1504 COM PANY, Her Majesty the Queen. Y SF ne Se skire blenders aah} 0a, the Gall; S0a the Doz. and so confident are they of i Canatsos Patp. Casm Ower. Limited SEWARS OF IMITATIONS OF HOTH BED j by sample, that the will vend single 4 a A. 45 - reckipt of PO. Torss a. - 45D BLOWN LAbSLA. DaPESE es vere tm ah Head Offices: 3s, Gd. PEASE, SON, & "00. 24 and 25, Hart St., Bloomsbury, W.C. ALFRED WiBB MILES 4 COMPANY, A ot —_A 14, 10, 04 6, HROOG RUET. HANOVER Bold by all Lesnvwe Soctncare throughout SQUARE, +t Ww, LEITH, SCOTLAND. as Ses ea D O R E 4 S Having se 9 extensive a4ditions to their FNGLISH ADDRESSES, g to potty the opening ofa NEW LONDI snd DABLINOTOR. | WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, Frama te, variety ot iashiowant- etira re atte | aes woRELLA cuEnay srawoy, | RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC Sev as See ey he Nooo ae , . Inverness | apes ‘ae, | &e., of the highest class and Be sure to ask for GRANT'S, and don’t be put of newest cyte ws lt be always kept in stock rea y with inferior makes. for immediate uve at moderate prices for cash pay Factions Telegrs phie address, Wren Meee London ‘ee Close at 2 r= om Saturdays. > re Bewane of rue Paatt orrenimo lmitations oF FOR THE FLYING “J” PEN. SUITS FOR ASTHMA &C es - ATUR VR t CHT Sa ee | «ULSTERS. | Sea Sold every where, 6d. and ls, per box COAL $a Sample Box, With sil the kinds, ii y Pot. |B CONDUIT ST., W.| SAVORY & MOORE, London, aes ea i=} F Macniven & Cameron, Waverley Works, Edinburgh. = TAR: FRY’S PURE MiLwaros’ S| sue COCOA Biiaaiee “1 consider it & very rich, delicious Cocoa-"—-W. E. B. STANLEY, M.D. SFiS & BSE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Manon 21, 1891. SAMUEL oO Oe JUVENILE DEPARTMENT. Messrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS respectfully in- vite an inspection of their Show-Rooms by Parents and Guardians who are des rous of Outfitting their juvenile charges for any of the public or private Colleges, Bohoola, &c. ume requirements of Youths and Boys have for ery many years engaged the closest attention of Mesa, SAMUEL BROTHERS, with the result that this important Department of their has attained very large dimensions, so that waot in Saite, Overcoate, Hosiery, Boota, Pay 4 fully met, and durable qualities ws Catalogue (400 Engravings) and Patterns Free on Application. MERCHANT TAILORS AND JUVENILE OUTFITTERS, 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. grim Street, — Wi; Work Shops > — Pi and #5, KORO. The New Aperient Tablets, v« 7 pleasant to take, a delicious swertmeat, useful for const pation indigestion, defleent secretion of bile and intes tine. mucus, hemorrhoids, interval congestion end many disoriers of the prima via They are eaten a. & confection, are immediately absorbed, aad th the effect i+ eure Of all Medicine Vendors, Ss 64. PER BOX, or of NEWBERT & SONS, Ling Edward St., LONDON. HORSE WAR OFFICE. Ave. , 10 Gray's Inn Road GUARDS, Gewrtenes,.— The new improved Waterproof Cloak (infantry and Cavairy p: tierns) made by you has been approved of as a pattern for cloaks to be worn in wet weether, of parade, by all officers. This ttern possesses many advantages over that sealed in 187), and It is consicered to be an excelient garment. \our pattern has now been sealed, and deposited at the Horse Guards, War Office 1 am, Gentiomen, yours obedientiy, anoon, Col, A.A.G. IMPROVED H. G. Ma THE NEW A R M Y REGULATION WATERPROOF. © BE HAD oF 4c Fiter-\ tase Roseee Destens, Tations, aed Ovrrirress Note thet the only genuine garments to the stterns officially sesied ere MADE BY US, and Coar our THAUB MANK; and, im addition, « he D SEAL on bine ribbon ANDERSON, yAMDERSON & ANDERSON, enufsactureis _ % Queen, Victoria street, Lesées, BC. Ec. — Acaric’ sits so softly onthe shouil- s pecial at- ders and is tention is so elastic called also thet = whilst to the little giving to clip for sup- porting the Crawers, Aroro AA ORT Lome every possi- bie strain, it is =wirtually impercept:- bie to the wearer, v s. The Best Presest A WOMAN can give A MAN. OF ALL HOSIERS EVERY W HEKB, W motssate a" 16, & 17, Cueareiwe, Lowpon, E.C., If amy difficulty ia obtaining, sena ~4 tw FP bepe tment, Centra! Depot t. on R,- , Leadon, B.C , and @ pair will free 7 return of post EERINCS ave Gierry BRANDY. The Best Liqueur. * Noapous.” “Gants Tan.” “ Rovat.* ~ re cn CURE ALL =| | HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Tested in many of the severest cases, and always proved effectual. They contain no opiam, bromides, or narcotics, and the highest medical authorities have pro- nounced them harmless. Thousands now attest their value, from headache. A TRIAL WILL CONVINCE, See that you get HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Your own Chemist, and all the Wholesale Houses, Price ls. 41. per box, Post Free from J. K. MATTERSON, CHEMIST, 108, NEW OXFORD ST., LONDON. and none need ane | ero. TEA A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, prepared under Swettrwe’s Patents. Improves the favour of tea, assists digestion. SOLD retail by all Grocers. THE HOP THEA CO., Lm, 8T. GEORGE'S HOUSE, EASTCHEAP. 4.4, and 1 lb. sampies, with testimonials, &c., will be sent on receipt of P.0.0. 2/- COLT’S NEW UNITED STATES NAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Travellers, and for Military Purposes, takes Eley’s “38 cal. « and ail other “3 cai Pistol Cartridges. COLT’S LICHTNING MACAZINE RIFLES, Por Large and Small Game, Kook Shooting, Ta: get Practice, are unsurpassed for accuracy = unequalled for rapid ty of fire COLT’S REVOLVERS carried off ali the highest Prizes at Bisley, Fdin- burgh, and Dubiin in 1800. Price List free COLT’S FIREARMS Co., 14, Pall Mall, London, 5. W. w “FOR THE BLOOD I8 THE LIFE.” 1¢ CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE Counties Drag Co, prietors, oin and Midisad Lineoln. Baewaas or Woarmtass lurrarions EDWARD PARRISH by contract transferred the manufacture of his Syrup to “euine & Bons, The Public are coutioned that a number of inferior imitations (differing in composition; are sold as Parrish’s. To obtain the original preparation sold for the last 3 years by Sacias & Sons, purchasers shou 4 ask for SQUIRE'S CHEMICAL =~ FOOD 2/-, 8/6, and 6/-. FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. Or Aczwrs, on sy Pancet Post Fass Diaect raou SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, 43, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. “EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1889, CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED SeLiewes. DIGESTIBLE. Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAVELLERS, DELICATE CHILDREN, WEAK DIGESTIONS. COCOA ano MILK Tins, 1s. 64. and 2s. 64, SAVORY & MOORE, obtainable everywhere. LONDON. HOWARD BEDFORD PLOUGHS For PLEASURE and PROF FRUI Nothing so Profitable and Easy te Srv, 74 ACRES IN STOCK. fee CaTALoous. for Simple Instrection of Trees to suit all Soils ROSE 20 ACRES BUSHES, 8s. per doz. ; 60s. per 100 Standards, 2s. mes a, - per 1. Ow Packing and cantine Dante Cash with onde ROSES IN POTS, from 15s. per don, ORNAMENTAL TREES 91 ACREA FOUR ACRES OF GLASS. CLEMATIS (80,000), ifs., 18s, and 2s. per te SEEDS AND BULBS Veostans Pown, ane ptive Lists Pree. RICHARD SMITH & CO., Worcese CAMEL FOUNTAIN PEK 4 Whole Letter with One Dip. [aaa ee *I use pens for all my owing Or and your‘ Came.’ pens are the best | —Lintar Sampouars. In One Boxes. Of all Stationmn,« ORMISTON & GLASS, 17, St. Bridest, FLORILINE FOR THE TEETH AND BREA Is the BEST LIQUID DENTUS in the World. Prevents the decay of the Renders the Teeth PEARLY WiITS Is perfectly harmless, and Delicious to the Taste. Is parti of oom! and ee SA a oran Comat Pees ee world. 64 per botile. FLORILINE TOOTH E TOOTH POWDES sly, Put up in giass jars. Price ls. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA For ACIDITY or ras Panes asiad Banks ths Preside of Wadestare tthe thoy Xf Doaton nat Pohasled Wy Kim S¢'Re: ts Vise Sate, ts the Pach PSK bells Sey a * Basoures,” PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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y E R Y “ These volumes are bright, genial and wholesome, and excellent company for leisure hours.”—Sfeaker. RATHER FEF. C. Burnand HAPPY MUCH AT P) B\ ABROAD, AT SEA... \gtmscnez, THOUGHTS. HOME. 1 Vv ae

y SOF p, a 4

N® 2594. VOLUME ONE HUNDRED > a x =z w DD > m w m fe) v w m I z r oO : m io) 2 Qa —_—~— MARCH 28, s Sa i SSE ee Srey ee DUNC VOL. Mite Sey eee taceeeten noe ates) rAl \ Mi p s rat 7 NU Ir rm mg == ‘ ‘i “(| ays - ' » Yigg i i! " , Ht, y al | yh 1 Aly j fi ‘N f ; wi ipa 4 ' 7 x ’ fi } , g \ - x | \ pi! ,) (WY . / fi } 4 Or Ca LL RS \ . NM 4 N ‘a, * 4 TN py ij aetna? A . | lon 68 S40 ~ HAT ; Sy

’ Re ; .N wv

AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, .' E 2 Million Bottles ane Apollinanis 2manssns Db

Hegistered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Manon 28, 1891.

Seeved Battion. Crowe ro, cloth, le 04. per gover, le Foons FOR THE FAT.—The Setentite Cure a Co ulen YOR m IA VIES ? Por - % The taht “a 4 . 4 end « bi-esed ’ Woerts lew i u silow ae By do Glance telee havien © Gee m the es indicated in this

LONDON “UFE ASSOCIATION. sccmeaep 1506. ASSURANCE FUND, FOUR MILLIONS. MUTUAL AS RANCE AT LEAST COST. No. 81, King William Street, E.O. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825, Accumulated Fund, ‘7 Millions Stg,

FOR PROTECTION AINIWLSIANI P EDINBURGH, 8 George 8t. (Head Office) LONDON, 83 King William Btreet, B.C. 8 Pall Mall East, 6.W. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies in lndia & the Colonies SAMUEL BROTHERS. BOYS’ SCHOOL OUTFITE. j Mesrs SAMUEL BROTH ERS haveready for immediate use a very

a assortment BOYS’ and YOUTHS’ CLOTHING. They will also be pleased to send, upon « Parrsans of for the wear of Gentie- men, Boys, or Ladies, together with their pew litosernarep Cata- Loe cs, containingabout 400 Engravings This furnishes cetaile of the various § de ente, with Price Lists, &c BLIs8 8 py Be ton Riding and iting Tweeds, Cheviots, Bemespems ac. A very iarge assortment of the productions of this eminent firm is “Evon” Surt always kept im stock. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, &c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpow, E.C, Workshops :— Pilgrim 8t., Ludgate Hill, and 46, Gray's Inn Road. HOLLANDSCHE ‘TANDMIDDELEN,. FOR CLEANSIN( THE TEETH AND

PERFL MING THE BREATH. Tooth Flixir, 2s. 64. per bottle. Tooth Powder, 64. and le. perbox. Tooth Paste, Clove flavour, 8: 64; Peppermint flavour, 3s. per pot. Prepared by A. FRIEDERICH, Purveyor to H. M. the King of Holland. Bole Agents: KR, HOVENDEN & BONS, London. N HAIR Goren AUREOLINE. PERFECTLY HARMLESS Bold by Perfumers and Chemists throughout the World

Agents: R. HOVENDEN & SONS, Lowpon

¢|CONDY’S REMEDIAL FLUID g.., ‘SORE THROATS FIRST—AND—FOREMOST. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR. NOTE, — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 1856; not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has now an equal claim to the public confidence. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST.

AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS

RELAXED THROATS HOARSENESS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. | Belly Hs CL a, © Sowa 4 0 w A R p Paths founded at Bath by the Romans in the First valuable in cases of Kheumation, Gost, and Skin atwetions The Corporation of Bath have recently B E D FO R D Tn the words of one of the test Hygienic Physicians, Tux Barus .88 THE MOeT COMPLETE In Band — | in the Pump-Room. Letters PORTABLE RAI [WAY Manager = ——. was om and every | Used in all For Sore Throats, , Speedy, Cheap Gargle. CURED in a few hours, Slight Cases cut short “Inia of great service as. gargie.” |... Jind the Condy and cold water gargle Dr. Wanrp, Seamen's Hospital. diately y ’ Dr. T W. Haneis. Bock of Directions and Medical Beports with each bottle, or froo by post on application to Daicy Consumption, 50 Tons. GONDY’S FLUID ‘ci: at once, CONDY’'S FLUID WORKS, 64, TURNMILL ST.., LONDON, EC.

MAPPIN & WEBB’S DRESSING BAGS. ‘SWEET “SCENTS | \LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX/ \ FRANGIPANNI. od

STREETER & COMP.'S SPECIALITIES. D!AMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’s | “blood colour, SAPPHIRES “of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and — D!AMONDS of all colours. STREETER & COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St., London.

OXFORD.-MITRE HOT, ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIC, FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE Mime GRAND HOTE]) "LONDON, ENG FINEST SITUATION EVERY LUXURY up COMFORT MOST RécHERCHE CUISINE.

VERY MODER«TE TARIFF,

GOW'S RESTAURANT? Estab ished Bait Ad {--—, Table d'Hite Luncheons and Dinners 4 la Cart =" ( lass Cuisine. oted Oyste Vivtage Wine and Shellfish House

CEL -EBRATED BUTTER: Scour Conpethaniriy*

By Special Warrants of Appoistmet To H.M —_ Queen, H.I. Majesty the Enpm Frederick, and H.R.H. the Princess of Wua EGERTON BURNETT! } mae 2 and Bte Qualities.— Perfect he iy Sun, ‘POST FREE to any address Any Length Bold. Carriage Paid on Ordesof & and above to any part of the United Kingios No Aoswrs on Mippis- Msn Exrtorm EGERTON BURNET, Wellington, Somerset, Englast BENZINE COLLAS.—For ARTISTS A SPECIALLY GOOD MEDIUM for Past on Bilk, Satin, Gauze Lincrusta, Wood, am Glass, Tapestry, Cards, Leather, &c.,@¢. _ BENZINE GOLLAS.—Ask for “ Col’ CLEANS GLOVES.—CLEANS DRESSES. REMOVES TAR, OIL, PAINT, GREASE __FROM FURNITURE, CL OTH, &e BENZINE COLLAS.—For ARTISTS A SPECIALLY GUOD MEDIUM for Peintt on Silk, Satin, Gauze, Lincrusta, Wood, Gam Giass, Tapestry, Cards, Leather, ae. ae. BENZINE COLLAS.— Try Colla.” Bee the word COLLAS on the Label and O» Extra refined, nearly odouriess On ae ing becoming qui te odourless A BENZINE COLLAS.—Ask for “Coll ration and take no other . every where, 6d., ls., end ls os rr : J. Baxora & Sons, 4%, Oxford Birett

anak RANSOMES

Lawn . LAWN MOW ERS _ THE BEST in the WORLD. ‘New Avreé omaTom “New Panu,” Hoass-For se” every requirement, Month's Free Trial.and Carriege Paid by all lronmongers Wont,” and ‘ at Mowsns, in all sizes at Mochines s<® All s Suppued

| RANOOMES, SIMS & JEFFERIES, Lt tyr)

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En VATION JRY inp HERCHE DERATE RESSES. IREASE ae TISTS, for Paintg ood, Cantey, , ae Ilas,” Manon 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL z ————————_ —_ THE G. P. O. CUCKOO. Ir was a galent Postmaster that armed him for the fray, And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array ; To North and South the message went, to W. and E., And where, ’mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C. ; From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes, As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for Raixes. 7 Brave Postmen,” e an officer, who gazed upon the my ‘Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long ; Yet since you love the G. P. O. that thus your feet employs, | We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of boys. Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes, | Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine Rarxzs. |“ What? ‘The Public want the Messengers’? Well teach the ublie sense, | Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence. _ Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss. =f must keep at home messages, or send them all through Us. And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes. They have sown, but we shall reap it—'tis the will of Mr. Rarxes,” . * . 7 eee a ~~. ey But Punch was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red, Like the tape that Rarxxs delights in, and he shook his ancient head. Rarxes,” he cried, ‘I doubt your wisdom, and 1 much incline to scorn Those who trespags on their neighbour’s land, and cart away his corn. let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to Rarxes. “You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees. me oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it’s not a pleasant thing = incur a bee’s resentment and to suffer from its sting: ~ (to change my humble pened) I like not him who takes nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman Rarxes! ” a AND ss hear oe Mr. W. E, Goarseate is to be (new Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, inquiry, Who’s Gairvrrus ?” there was but ene earner, “The Safe Man” Good omen for the Shaftesbury. BAR BARRED! Scenzr—A Sytiemntoy Committee Room. Committee sitting at horse-shoe table. ‘ar crowded at table covered with plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge plans hang- towalls. View in distance of St. Thomas's Hospital. East- est Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under consideration, Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under examination. Junior Counsel (for Promoters). You have told us that there is a cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan—in your opinion do you think that the road passing by Hoggs h, coloured een, could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity o: throwing rn ridge over the River Crowe, coloured yellow ? Expert Witness (with great deliberation, and illustrating his remarks by references to a large plan). In my opinion I think the necessity of building a ine over the River Crowe may be avoided by the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddle- comb, and ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the course of the Raisens coloured black. Junior Counsel. Thank you—that do. [Sits down, First Cross-Ezamining Q.C. (suddenly entering from another Committee Room, looking for his Junior—aside). re on earth have we got to? Chairman of Committee. Is this witness cross-examined ? First C.-E. Q.C. Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is meoummey to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan Expert Witness. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is | skirted, &c., &c. [ Repeats the answer he has already given. | Second Cross- Examining Q.C. (entering hurriedly, as his learned | brother sits down). One moment, Now you say that it is | ghostately ageuenary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, y a bridge Expert Witness. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate, &c., &c. [ Repeats his answer for the third time. Third C.-E. Q.C. jenteies hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes his seat), And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you their questions, I have to ask you mine. ind enough to say, for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood of— (consulting plan) — Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the plan, and, as you will see, runs through the—(inspects plan closely) — Swashbuckler Estate—yes, the Swashbuckler Estate—and comes, as you will see, if you refer to the o! near Twaddlecomb—havin now sufficiently indicated the locality, I repeat, will you be kind —_ to say whether, in your opinion, the necessity of building a bridge over the River Raven—(is prompted by Junwr)—I should say, over the River Crowe—could be avoided ? Chairman of Committee (interposing). I would suggest that, as this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused urther examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the examination-in-chief. First C.-E. Q.C. (warmly). 1 consider this an infringement of the rivileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we represent. Besides, an expert witness’s examination-in-chief is very seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasion- ally wanted elsewhere. econd C.-E. Q.C. (indignantly). Yes; and how can we attend to our Clients’ interests if we are allowed to be in two places at once ? Third C.-E. Q.C. (furiously). You have no right to act upon an old ruling that was never enforced. hy, such a regulation would ruin us—and many of us have wives and children ! [ Ezeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave imprison- ment in the Clock Tower, if necessary. N.B.—Up to date the Tower is untenanted, ‘Iw roe Nameor tue Law —Paotocrarus! ”—Max. A. Barercess, Junr., having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, “ to enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished legal gentlemen,” regrets to say that, as already sat for another Firm making the same request (see Papers from Pump-handle Court), he is me to comply with their courteous request. However, he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he ‘’ possesses « wig, and the right to wear it, bat that there his connection with the Law begins and ends.” Mr. A. Barercess, Janr., es the indus- trious Firm every success in their public-spirited undertaking. VOL, 6,

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re D PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Maron 28, 189], ——_. ——_—___ GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN. (A Lone Way arrer Lorp Terryson.) WA G7 Y iI Vie * wulg —— yee TI iter PAM tess 4 i (fp OO st ZB SSqt SME Zag i f/f \7P i WA ‘‘Waat I Lixe anovt THis Racers ts rvs Pesrecr Quiet!” “ Were I to go further into detail, I should show | I The better deeds of a better day ; you ) Gat the floodgates of (financial) abuse have | Tae backwater was snug and fair, Ever aoe Canoeist went on, i ed even to a much larger extent than I | And the ga gay Genesiet eaverted these. ng = memos. as ‘ate went. + escribed. We are getting into a s under which Parliament is treated, ~ the ee, a here Tack nme ta My f country is treated, to the exhibition of Setitiens | PRS. oy» tion for te Uck and stay y toes are pi surpluses of revenue over expenditure.” the river ran ; Bat —- Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. Goschen’s| Behind then fice floated a Grand Old Swan, (So mused Finance. And loudly did lament As up — backwater he it et

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 147

| Marcu 28, 1891.]

“ What I like” (said he) “ in this nook so shy, Js that I am quiet, and ano tne enacts, Squaring uaring accounts at my own at ith nover 6 Sear of the Big Beans = ! The Swan’s as q rae ew 'ye fosked the flerse old f m1, The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole, Hay aah furious joy. at

(As when a - procession rejoice With ytd and with banners of gold), Until the Canoeist’s ran cold, And over his he crouched and rolled ; And he wel hit rom tht oa afar He walloped into ear Pent on ut on enjoying his i him here, and he he ake hin there, _—_ ** balance. te yiny by “4 you,” he with ae pounees pinions, And the fri Seen ne ST ths contiea seode, A = ae atta cal osteo shaking rushes wo weeds, And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank, A ied ot oncing Lien aca tact Pe etna nat Antened Gp that Bteake song |

HE Proposep Otp Erontan Banquet.— ‘* Floreat FORM! Etona !” by all means, and may “‘ Hewry’s holy shade” never be less! But Seah i coon anther like a contra- "‘Goop Heavens! Waat A Swett! Waar wir! Tea-ricut! Weppino diction in tua, Se Old Etonians to sit down to an Eaten | Brzaxrasr!” Dinner /—Yours, once removed, ‘Om NO; ONLY GoING TO My TarILor’s, MusT BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN A Srxta-Formosvs Purr. |I Go To szz wiv, He’s so peastiy Critica!”

ABOUT THE COURT. At the Royal Court Theatre, —r- as I read on the illustrated House Programme, is “ Licensed by the London County Council to the Proprietors, Mrs. Jouw Woop cad Mr. A. ‘p oapeny | ’—is the LonD CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this quarter ? ,(how can there be a Court without a Lord Chamberlain ?), ‘under which king, Bezonian?” Was it in the days of The Happy Land?—bat nomatter. = resume. At the aforesaid Court Theatre is now performed al Farce, in Three Acts, written by Mr. R. im Lumury. Ah! h! Least this isn’t quite up to i" other piece, Aunt Jack, Mrs. Jouw Woop is invaluable, and keeps the game alive throughout; while Arraur (CxciL’s "Duke of Donoway—not a y Duke, but a Duke in farcical circumstances—is excellent. Weepon GrossmirH is funny, but in make-up, tone of voice, and annersenns, the part seems mixed up with one or two others ~ a din deck and is very far from being in the same catego ack’s crushed itor. Branpon THomas as Captain ead ya R.N., is very natural. The Office Boy of Mester’ WILson and the little Gridd of Master WestoaTe (very near Birchington when yam Ge Due in Mrs. Woon’s hands), are capital. Miss ee LECLERCQ’s chess is equal to the occasion. two girls’ parts are cunatural and unin‘ What ought to make the success of a ae is the scene where WEEDON GrossMITH volunteers to sing in an explosion. It con = laughter ; and if this situation had been so contrived,—as it mi t have been, allow me £ a7.—2s to end the Act, the Curtain falling on the climax, the dashing down of the musician's song and the exit of the Duke, the run of The Voleano would have been insured Is it too late to retrieve this? To anste the title of that io gunuincly femapi the eioeo, ~fy% There is so much win, ® Senuinely funny in the that if the alteration is done sooarey A (Ae of seine, why witht 6 wask the pisee couts bo Seat in its place for the London season, and beyond it. Let

fanny ittle WzEpon reconsider his make-up, and come out as the Wolf,” and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends | cai vulses the

flaxen- headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And a word in his ear,—SorTHeERn fashioned Lord Dundreary out of a worse part than this. Zhe Volcano shouldn’t “ bust up.” That’s my opinion, as A Frtenp at Coune.

A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM. From the Queen, A Correspondent writes :— “ JouRNALISM.—I want to become a Dramatic Critic ; how should I begin ? I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember the plot of the play afterwards, What kind "of notices do Editors prefer ?— Histrionica.”’ Isn’t it Mr. Davip Anpenson who has set up a flourishing School for Journalists? Why shouldn’t there be a Behool for Critics? The Master would take his pupils to the Theatre pjesuasty, on ans < — lecture on the Play as it proceeded. Should be so blind to the best interests of tir Art as tre 4 th | play to be stopped from time to time to allow of the Instructor's re- marks, then he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his pupils into some quiet corner of the Kefreshment-room, where he could give his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear « Scene or an Act every night,—and if they paid in their ogo (a reduction being made for a 9 uantity), the particular drama they patronised would be considerably benefited by this plan. There might be o — or an sentento costume ” these —— 8c spearian collars, Undergraduate gown, an portable mortar co to fold up, and be sat upon. There might be a row reserved for them at the back of the Dress Cirele, Dah mm five per cent. reduction on tickets for a series. The M.C., or Master of Critics, would take a fee for ge pl each pupil. Fee to to| include seat at theatre, instruction, and supper afterwards.

E RTANT Lay ee TOWARDS THE Universal LanouaeEe.— “5 fallo!” being the gorngniand Seegpene oe summons in use between companies and individ of all nationalities, may be already oon- rere or Halle’d by c variety of eavoelations.”

< snes aoa eee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ee] [Maron 28, 1891, MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. Condensed and Revised Version by Mr, P.'s Own Harmless Tbsenite.) No. L—ROSMERSHOLM (cowcivvzp.) Acr IIL. Sitting-room at Rosmershilm, Sun shining outside in the Garden. Inside Resecca West is ing @ geranium with a small Her crochet antimacassar lies in the arm-chair. Madam Hetsern is rubbing the chairs with furniture-polish from a large bottle. Enter ER, with his hat and stick in his hand, Madam Hewtseru corks the bottle and goes out to the right. Rebecca, Good morning, dear. (A moment after—crocheting ) Have you seen Rector Kroxt’s paper this morning? There’s something about you in it. Roamer. Oh, indeed ? paper.) H’m! (Reads—then walks about the room.) _Kroi. made it hot for me. (Reads some more.) Oh, this is too bad! Resecea, they do say such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a renegade—and I can’t think why! mustn't go on like this. All that is in human nature go to ruin if they ’re allowed to attack an excellent man like me! Only think, if I cam make them see how unkind they have been! _ Reb. Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious object to attain—and I wish you may get it! Rosmer. Thanks. I think I shall. (Happens to look™ through window, and jumps.) Ah, no, ehan’t—never now. I have just seen-——- Reb. Not the White Horse, dear? We must really not overdo that White Horse! Rosmer. No —the mill-race, where Beata (Puts on his hat —takes it off again.) I’m begin- ning to be haunted by — no, I don’t mean the horse—bya terrible suspicion that Beata may have been right after all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of it, that I must really have been in love with you from the first. Tell me your opinion. Reb. struggling with herself, and still crocheting). Oh—I can’t exactly say—such an odd question to ask me! Rosmer (shakes his head). Per- haps; | have no sense of humour —no respectable Norwegian Aas —and I do want to know—be- cause, you see, if I was in love : with you, it was a sin, and if I once convinced myself of that—— anders across the room. Reb. (breaking out). Oh, these old peas yppadiees! Here is your hat, and your stick, too; go and take a walk. Rosmer takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and takes a walk ; presently Madam HeLseTH appears, and tells Repecca something. Renrcca tells her something. They whisper together. Madam H. nods, and shows m Rector Knott, who keeps his hat in his hand, and sits on a chair. Kroll. 1 merely called for the purpose of informing you that I consider you an artful and designing person, but that, on the whole, considering your birth and moral antecedents, you know—(nods at her)—it is not surprising. (Repxcca walks » wringing hands) Why, whats the matter? Did you really not know that you had no right to your father’s name? I’d no idea you would mind my mentioning such a trifle! Reb. (breaking out). I do mind. I am an emancipated enigma, but I retain a few little prejudices still. I don’t like owning to my real age, and I do prefer to be legitimate. And, after your information —of which | was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late Mra. Gamvix, never once alluded to it—I feel I must confess ing. Strong- minded advanced women are like that. Here is Rosmer. (Rosmzn enters with his hat and stick.) I want to tell you and Rector Kroxt a little story. Let us sit dear, all three of us. (They sit down, mechanically, on chairs.) A i the play began—(tm a voice scarcely audible)—in Ss i somehow do happen before the play ins—— Roemer. But, Resroca, I know all this. Krott—(ooks hard at her). ene I had better go ? _ Reb. No—I will be short—this was it. I wanted to take my share in the life of the New Era, and march onward with Rosmen. There was one dismal, insurmountable barrier—(¢to Rosmzr, who nods watering- pot, (Puts down hat and stick, and takes up| time ago, before Ibsenite dramas, Th gravely)—Brata! I understood where your deliverance lay—and | ac I drove Beata into the mill-race... There! Rosmer (after a short ae H’m! W ee up his hat)—if you ’re thinking of king home, I’ll go too, I’m going to be orthodox once more—after this ! Kroli (severely and impressively, to Rxs.). A nice sort of young woman you are! oth go out hastily, without looking at Bry. Reb. (speaks to herself, under her wont Now I have done it. | wonder why. (Pulls bell-rope.) Madam Hetsern, I have just had a glimpse of two rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-tronk. [Enter Madam H., with large hair-trunk, as Curtain falls, Acr IV. Late evening. Resrcca West stands by a lighted lamp, with a shade over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in a reticule, with a faint | smile. t he antimacassar is on the sofa, Enter Rosmen. | Rosmer (seeing the sandwiches, §c.). Sandwiches? Then you are going! Why, on earth,—I can’t understand | Reb. Dear, you never can. Rosmershélm is too much for me, But how did you get on with Kroit ? Rosmer. We have made it up. He has convinced me that the work of ennobling men was several sizes too large for me—so I am going to let it alone—— Reb. (with her faint smile), There I almost think, dear, that you are wise. Rosmer (as if annoyed), What, so you don’t believe in me either, Repecca—you never did / { Sits listlessly on chair, Reb. Not much, dear, when you are left to yourself—but I've another confession to make. Rosmer. What, another? | really can’t stand any more con- fessions just now Reb. (sitting close to him). It is only a little one. I bullied Beats into the mill-race—because of a wild uncontrollable—— (Rosmrn moves uneasily.) Sit still, dear— uncontrollable faney—for you / Rosmer (goes and sits on sofa), Oh, my ess, REBECCA—you mustn’t, you know ! [He jumps up and down as if embarrassed. Reb. Don’t be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. After living alone with you in solitude, when you showed me all your thoughts without reserve,—little by little, somehow the fancy pa off. I caught the Rosmer view of life badly, and dulness descended on my soul as an extinguisher upon one of our Northern di The Rosmer view of life is ennobling, very—but hardly lively. And I’ve more yet to tell you. Rosmer (turning it off). Isn’t that enough for one evening ? Reb. (almost voweless), No, dear. I have a Past—behind me! Rosmer. Behind you? How strange. I had an idea of that sort already. (Starts, asifin fear.) A joke! (Sadly.) Ah, no—no,I must not give way to that! Never mind the Past, Resecca; I once thought that I had made the grand discovery that, if one is only virtuous, one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too original —an immature dream. at bothers me is that I can’t—somehow | can’t—believe entirely in you—I am not even sure that I have ennobled you so very much—+tsn’t it terrible ? Reb, (wringing her hands). Oh, this killing doubt! (Looks darkly at him.) Is there anything J can do to convinee you ? : Rosmer (as if impelled to speak against his will), Yee, one thing— only I’m afraid you wouldn’t see it in the same light. And yet I must mention it. It is like this. I want to recover faith in m mission, in my power to ennoble human souls. And, as a logi thinker, this [ cannot do now, unless—well, unless you jump into the mill-race, too, like Beata! ’ Reb. (takes up her antimacassar, with composure, and puts it on her head), Anything to oblige you. Rosmer (springs up). What? You really will! You are sure you don’t mind? Then, Resecca, I will go further. I will even go—yes—as far as you Fe yourself ! " Reb. (bows her head towards his breast), You will see me off! anks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite. ‘ [ Smiles almost imperceptibly. Rosmer (cautiously), I said as far as you go. I don’t commit myself further than that. Shall we go? : Reb. First tell me this, Are you going with me, or am I going with you ? Rosmer. A cubis pordatosion! point—but we haye not time to think it out here. e will discuss it as we go along. Come!

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riginal have larkly ing— d yet im mm of) p into | eure even » off ? tibly. mmit — me to Marcu 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 149 ndwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through the door which they leave The room (as is not uncommon with rooms in evened ts empty. Then Madam Heiseru enters through another . Madam H. The cab, Miss—not here! (Looks out.) Out together —at this time of night—w oy re on the garden-seat? (Looks out of window.) My what is that white thing or the bridge—the Horse at | (Shrieks aloud.) And those two sinful creatures running home! Enter Rosmer and Resrcca, out of breath. Rosmer (scarcely able to get the words out). It’s no use, Repeoca —we must put it off evening. We can’t be expected to jump off a footbridge which already a White Horse on it. And, if it comes to that, why should we jump at all? I know now that I seally hove tamelial pom, otieh was all J wanted. What would be the of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a mill- ? No, Resecca—(lays his hand on her head) —there is no judge over us, and therefore—— Reb, (interrupting gravely), We will bind ourselyes over in our own re ces to come up for judgment when called upon. {Madam Hewseru holds on to a chair-back, Repicca finishes the antimacassar calmly as Curtain falls, A GRAND OLD WETTERUN! I arw’t bin han | well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was cort in the Liz I think, as they called it, on that awful Manday nite, and that was nearly a settler for both my old bones and my breth, and t ha’ bin quite so, if one kindest Members of the old Cop- ith a jolly party on "em, hadn't kindly with a jolly on ’em, t kindly i my notise to about a harf bottle- full of werry fine old Port, with the remark- abel kind words, ‘*‘ That’s just about what you wants, Mr. Rozert, to take you ome safely this most orful nite!” And so it wend and I didn’t waste a single drop . , oni \ However, I was obligated to have a good hy hag os, em 1 ~ out mostly = /p sleep ; jest as I was preparing , 9 set out for the * Hotel,” in comes my ” Strike Son ; and he says to me, “ Guynor,” says * he—TI notise as he allers calls me Guvnor The “ Tipper’s when he wants me to do sumthink—*‘ I wants you to do me the favour toask Mr. Punch for to do you a favour.” ‘‘ Why, what do you mean?” saysI, ‘* Why, this is what I means,” says he. ‘* About the grandest feller as ewer in the hole world gave up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make hundreds of stupid boys into clever bors and hundreds of bad boys into good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a going for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them hundreds of boys, me ay ae to sellybrate his Jewbilly, same as the Queen had the other day. Ewery one of us as lives in London will jump at the chance; but the boys as he turns out from the great City of Lundon Skool is such reel fust- raters, that they gits —¢- up direckly by Merchants and peeple, and sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious buzzinesses there, so we don’t know how to at ’em; but as Mr. Punch goes wherever any smart, clever lish chap goes, if he wood most kindly let this littel matter be mentioned, the grandest, and suck- amie, ay, and wittiest Skool Master of modern times wood get 1s Gew reward, | So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and this is what I can add to from my own knowlidg. There’s sum of the old boys, as isn’t quite as as when they left Skool, as has f a club to ine together eumatimes, and tork of old times, like senserbel fellers as they is; and Mr. Joszrm Haxnis, the gennelman in question, a speech, and I ere too; and, to hear the joyful shouts of arty welcome with which his old greets him when he rises for to speak, and their roars of larfter at his wit, and his fun, and his good-humer, while he is a speaking, is so wery re- markabel, that I sumtimes wunders whether it doesn’t, a deal of it, rise from the fact of his great School being so close to Mr, Punch’s own horfice. But this is over the , as the great Writer says. May I be alowd to had wy yt ag frend, and hewery body’s frend, Mr. Cooxs, is reddy to receive any number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C. popgnr, A New Provipexce.—“ My life is in your hands,” as the Auto- biographist said to his Publisher. (Rosman takes his hat and stick, Rewxcca her reticule, with) 8a THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN, (Latest Version ; suggested by a Case at the London Sessions.) Ann did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman, plo 08 the river his wherry di AF en ro’ ong with great ski exterity, A Cask of Madeira it caught his eye. ¥ It looked so nice, he rowed u y; Transferred that cask to his right readily ; And he eyed the dear drink with so an air, For the name on the cask not a jot did he care. When gust Booane Sams ost that quits in bis wherry, He cleaned it out—partly—with not ’ And with his companions— ?-—made merry ; Madeira’s a wine that’s not by all. One fancies one hears ’em a and cheering, Says Epparp, ‘ M this is than beering ! A Waterman's lifeworld be free from all care If he often dropped on treasure trove like that there.”’ And yet but to think now how things happen ! They copped him for ** larceny by Hdlag,= tat ‘sall! But Sarxt couldn’t read, and ury was kindly So Epparp got off, though his chance a Now would this young Waterman keep out of sorrow, No derelict casks let him— shall we say, borrow ? Madeira is nice, but you’d best have a care, Before swigging the wine, that it’s yours fair and square ! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tux Childhood and Youth of Dickens, a sort of short postscript to Forsrer’s Life, very well got up by its publishers Hutcninson & Co., will interest those who for the third or fourth time are going through a course of Dickens. The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The best pocket-book must contain a calendar-diary, and as little printed matter, and as much space for notes, as possible. No pocket-book is perfect 4 without some sort of patent pencil, of which the / writing-metal, : when used on a damp surface will serve as we as do pen an ink on ordinary paper. Such a pocket-book with such a pencil the 7m Baron has long had in use, the i of Jou atkeR & Co., of Farringdon -. House. It should , a be called The Walker Pocket-book, or Pedestrian’s Companion ; for, as “‘He who runs may read,” so, with this handy combina- tion, ‘‘He who walks may write.” The Baron is led to mention this 2 propos of a novelty by T. J. Surra anv Downes, called The Self-registering Pocket Note-book, a very neat invention, qud Note-book only, but of which only one size has the invaluable tent pencil. ordinary pencil entails ing a knife, and, a oaah This is good for the cutler—** I know that man, he comes from Sheffield” —yet it isa defect which is a constant source of worry to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, Messrs, Suira AnD Dowres’ artfulness in making the pencil serve as a marker, so that the latest note can at once found, is decidedly ingenious, and may probably be found most useful. Ezperientia docet: Baronius tentabit, While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank Messrs. Cassetr, & Co. for the pocket volumes.of the National Library “= by Henny ee, we pe seonpmneed asa real travelling companion, Lssays, Civil ora Mrancis Bacon. ‘In the eighteenth Essay “Of Travel,” the chief Diariste, ‘‘Lerrs awp Som,” might find a motto for their publications, The Baron directs their attention to this side of Bacow from which this is a slice,—'' Let Diaries, therefore, be brought in use.” A new read- ing for advertising purposes would * Let” into “ Letts,” or Letts could be interpolated in brackets, “A cheeky way of treating Bacon,” says the Baron’s friend dittle Fowwruaw (Author of Punn:- man’s Poor Jokes); but, if nothing worse than this can be said against B , gestion, wh a ** Letts it,” says teenie . Tur Banow 4 Boox-Woxrms. + oe ee ele a

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PUNCH, OR (Marcu 28, 1891, WA THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING. (The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist.) o Writ, ‘MY DEAR Youne Lapy, I vz LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO TO you THIS YEAR!” ON PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. “In the words of the Postmaster-General, spoken yesterday (March 18th) from his room in 8t. Martin’s-le-Grand, and distinctly heard by the head of a correeponding department in Paris, the triumph of the International Telephone is an accomplished fact.”—Daily News. HALO /—are you there? That’s the cue international, Henceforth we ’ll hope, and we trust it may lead To colloguies pleasant, relations more rati May “* saucers” tubes telephonic succeed In setting the world ‘* by the ears,” in a fashion Not meant by the men who invented that May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion Die out, like a craze ! Why, bless us, and save us! We ought to behave us A little bit better for all our new light. From incurable sav: nothing can save us If Science can’t cool down our fondness for fight. talking thi - Nations enght to be nies, a> 0 piel end her lover’ At five o'clock tea! Eh? Voz et preterea nihil? What matter How close ears may seem if the hearts are apart ? Humph! Nothing so easy as cynical chatter ; . 7 ’s diplomatie, , tyy-- smart.” ut, as Rakes suggests, is ing in hearin The “* great human voice” o’er some three Bendsed sailes, In spite of the scorn that’s so given to sneering, The hate that reviles. If lan was given our thoughts for concealing, The Telephone — tis but a travelling Voice |— Need not be the agent of reckless revealing, And caution must often be candour’s wise choice. Unwi is sure to be sometimes caught napping, _ And tongues may wag foolishly e’en through the wire. Facilities for summary snapping No sage can desire. Great diplomats, proud of their ‘‘ able dispatches,” _ From trusting the tube with their wisdom may shrink. The brain that in secret shrewd policies hatches, May not care to canvas cute schemes “‘ o’er a drink.” Yet times must be many when sense will be winner, By chatting of trifles, which nations have riled, As freely as though vis-a-vis at a dinner, And carefully “‘ tiled.” Now England and France can thus gossip together, And Carnot and Satissury thus hob-a-nob, We'll hope for set-fair international weather. Our Rarxes and their Rocus appear well ‘‘ on the job.” The Telephone’s triumph at least is not sinister. ings should go easier somehow—with care, When patriot Minister greets patriot Minister, ** Hallo !—are you there ?” Aworuer TetePuonic Sveerstion.—Connect the Theatres and Opera Houses by Telephone with all the Clubs. On payment of fixed charge, any member should be able to hear just as much of the iece or Opera as he might require. Something above the price of # tall to be the maximum c¢ for one person to hear entire Opera. For half the Opera, say six ings; for a quarter of it, three-and- six. For ing one in it, eighteen-pence ; if songs Soin cual amanll the eciete onl totekek Errenamuatic Derrntriow oF Most Pustic Banquets wiTH Post- PRANDIAL OxnatTory.—"* Stuff and Nonsense.” a? annem anaes D om * sama wg" 27 "AW tii

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Maron 28, - AOS ‘ ' i oe \\ PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. Lorp Sarisnury. ‘*‘ HALLO!” M. te Prfsipentr. ‘* HALLO!” Lorp Sauissury. ‘*‘ YOU THERE ?” M. ce Pafsarpent. ‘ALL THERE!” Lorgp Sauresury. *“*CAN YOU SUGGEST AN ENTREE FOR DINNER?” M. ux Patsrpenr. ** HOMARD Al’ GRATIN,—AND, BY THE WAY, HOW ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION P” : : s*NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YoU!!!” ( Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, March 23rd. -

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| Manon 28, 1891.] = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 153 Va ee eee ve | SUFFERING ON THE “SILVER STREAK.” Turse GENTLEMEN (AFTER A FEW Hovns’ REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN FAVOUR OF THE PROPOSED CHANNEL Tvsvtar Rariway. bait —_ a ee 1 a) i 'HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK. (New Style.) = healt am, be friends would meet | Their friends in chamber, park, or street, | Each, as hereunder, — | greet. Your level hand went forth ; you clasped | Your crony’s; each his comrade’s grasped— | If roughly, neither friend was | Such was the good old-fashioned eue | Of honest British ‘* How d’ye do?” | I think it manly still—don’t you ? | But now, when smug acquaintance hails | A set that would be ‘* smart,” but fails, | Another principle prevails. | The arm, in lifted curve Sokeget, Droops limply o’er the shoulder-blade, | As needing some chirurgeon’s aid : | The wrist is wrenched of Jonzs and Brows, Those ornaments of London Town ; Their listless fingers dribble down : Brown reaches to the knuckle-bones Of thus-exeruciated Jonzs ; Browy’s hand the same affliction owns. At length his finger-tips have pressed The fingers of his J cum distressed : Both curvatures then sink to rest. A sort of ish lisped proceeds From either’s mouth, but neither heeds The other’s half-heroic deeds, Exhausted, neither much can say ; Complacent, each pursues his way ; And Joygs ard Brown have lived te-day. For both have sought by strenuous strain To demonstrate, in face of pai That friends they were, ond Setande remain. Ah, wonderful! Can Poets decm dream ? lf-sacrifice a fadi Are salutations what they seem ? Is Brown some Altruist in disguise, And Jonxs an Ibsenite likewise, That thus they flop and agonise ?— Or are the pair affected fools, Who catch by rote the silly rules Of third-rate fashionable schools ? COURT COLD! (A Page from the Diary of a Chaperon.) TuEYy commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day’s doings would be a ter- rible ordeal, but she came of a bold and sturdy race, and felt herself equal to any emergency. And so as the morning broke— as daylight crept through the foggy air—she for the sacrifice. Yes, sacrifice; tor was it not a sacrifice to barter omer youth, pride, nay, life itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me—but away with vain regret | ieee been told since that they were hours and hours arranging her toilette. So long did it take that she was scarcely able to b her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of tea, and if rumour is to be credited, a couple of slices of thin bread-and-butter ! Well, it is over now, and I can think of it almost without tears! I called for her shortly after noon—for the lot had fallen upon me, and I was destined to| the attend her to her doom—she was very calm and‘even smiled as I kissed her. Shes ivered a little as she sank beside me. I bade her to wrap her shawl more closely around her, and after she had complied with my com- mand she seemed more at ease. And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were surrounded by a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and mocking atus! Myc e clung to me for protection. The laughter the jeers increased tenfold. Then I cast her away from me roughly, whereupon followed yells mixed with savage laughter. She, poor girl, com: , and gazed at the multitude with the dignity of an outraged queen, And they laughed more! Laughed the more! At length we were set - nt + hy our apartment, w we were divested of our wraps, and left in costumes better adapted to late June than to early March, or mid-December. We were then ordered to advance. We were driven from one bitterly! cold room to , until we knew not whether the blood was circulating in our veins, or had frozen. We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor creatures pushed against us, and fought with us. The great object of everyone was to get to the end of our journey ! She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away the of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out behind. Then her name was uttered, or, rather, mis- pronounced, sank on her knees; and, on regaining her f was hustled away, to follow a number of fellow-victims who had been treated with like rye Once more there was the bitter cold. This time the — were met in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance arrived to move a ee Se oe S eve o om ami ping friends, to go to But eyo of death were sown! She never recovered the and an addition to ily-vault tells of her early decease ! And who was this poor girl? A homeless the streets of I fora i , on her way to Siberia? either ! was merely a débutante, attend- ing her first (and last) Spring Drawing-room at Buckingham Palace! Nore (by Our Own Noodle), — Father Buonaparte, at the Olympic, judging from the account of it imes, seems to consist of ‘a part” for our Wisom Barnett, the her | remainder being skeletonish, or “‘ boney.” —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Marcu 28, 189], — “64 Lgl Asa4 ? — Qo “MATTHEWS AT HOME.” (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD ENTERTAINMENT.)

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Manon 28, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155

—

RAIKES REX! robably become a branch of the General Post Office. The present ostmaster-General is obviously of opinion that that state of things has already come about. To rule a realm as limitless as space, With the great G. P. O. as Central Sun, Rarkes is the man. Of Great Panjandrum race, He’s Autocrat and Oracle in one. The Universe indeed were no great shakes Without Rarxes Rez for Ruler. Vivat Rarxes!!!

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 16.—House of

| really looked to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack of matter \for quarrel. Even before public business was reached, Orders bristled with Motions raising controversial ts. Lord Crunnet- | TANNEL, that man of peace, was to the fore; his Bill, extending | Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway into London md | Lord’s Cricket Ground, down for Second Reading. That redoubt- | able Parliamentary Archer Baumann also on alert. Has taken under his personal ¢ the social and material welfare of Me- tropolis; at one time y Lawson, on other side of House, disputed supremacy of ition with speeches from i “Tf,” says Sark, ‘“‘I had to begin my Parliamentary life again, I would sit for a Tory borough, and advocate Radical notions. If it were possible, I would, with such a programme, like to represent one of the Universities, Ox- ford for choice. There’s a sameness about fellows who get up from Liberal benches and t Radicalism, or about men who talk Turyism from the Conser- vative camp. It’s what was expected ; what the House of Commons enjoys is the unex . Granpotrpn knows that very well. If he’d come out as a Liberal, he wouldn’t have been half the power he is. The secret of success in political life, my young friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself with light. The thing doesn’t hold good in the converse direction. A man sitting on Liberal benches, and talking Toryism, Wood ; artistic popula- tion o that quarter shriek Sommnopy once said that ultimately the Solar System would | in arms; in Lord Oxuwwet-Tax- WEL’s ear, and shake at him the angry fist. But TaNneL-CHUNNEL not a Baron easily turned aside from accomplish- ment of his projects. Squares Committee of into support of his scheme representatives of all the big towns on the route; Manchester, Nottingham, Leicester, all cheer him on; Libe- rals, Conservatives, Dis- sentient Libe: swell his majority. Reading of bin carried by more than two toone. _“*How’s that, Um- pire?” Cuownet-Tan- NEL asked, carryin out his bat. Well played, indeed!” said the Spgaxer. Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore would stain the floor of House. Barwes and Wiecine were in it, but what it was all about not quite clear. Some- thing to do with a coal- truck. As far as could be madeout from choked utterances of BaRwzs, there had at some remote — been a coal-truck espatched to London by the Midland route. Something happened to it; either it was de- layed, or it arrived empty, or it didn’t ar- rive at all. However, it was quite clear to Barnes that the time had come when a new line of railway giving

will gain cheers from other side, but not much else. Look at Horsman in

+49 y he is CHANCELLOR OF THE Cupid’s Bowman. Excurquer; but, even with that, I a you wouldn’t call him a political success ?” ARK a little prosy and opinionated ; otherwise a good fellow. Whilst his homily in progress and considerably cleared. Man- chester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Bill put off till to-morrow ; Ken- sington Subway Bill withdrawn; Bavmanw triumphant. Still remained public business; Otp Morattry led off with proposal to take Tuesdays and we for morning sittings and Opposition mustered in great force; Mr. G. present, glowing with his own eulogy on Artemis. Op Moratitr moved Resolution with depre- catory deferential manner; only desire was to do his duty to QuEEN and aay meet the convenience of Honourable Gentlemen sitting in whatever part of the House they might ‘find themselves. Evidently expected outburst of indignant re: , big division. Some indignation, but little debate and no division. Everyone on Opposition Benches declare himself irreconcilable. When q could say James Fanouson, Government had, on this 16th of March, practically secured all working time for remainder of Session. Hastixes? Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation.” — Business done.— Morning Sittings arranged for rest of Session. unnel, is of question about making his and Lincoln line Lord’s Cricket Ground ; invades the sweet simplicity of St. John

the past ; look at Joxim in the present. | direct access to London | from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. | Wicorns observed to wriggling in his seat during the Bannzs oration. Made several attempts to catch |Speaker’s eye; at length su ed; his suppressed fu was terrible to behold; his rage Titanic. Heat least knew all about that coal-truck ; though, as far as House was con- long debate, and a| ,.. in lifting the seemed to expect some one else to Riou had enveloped " f uestion put, & pause; 00/it Whether one rose to continue the successive brief speeches; before you! Wrocrns's coal, or it was

merely Wuicerine’s |truck; whether Wic- “I feel like Crtve,” said Orp Moratrry; ‘‘or was it WARREN | <isy happened to be |in the truck when it | went astray ; or whether Tuesday.—*‘ Lords” and Commons came in conflict to-day under | it was Banwes that wes novel circumstances. Lord Tawwet-CuunneL, pending settlement |in it; or whether no- i is Channel is promoting new | thing was in it but trunk line of railway. Means to bring the Manchester, Sheffield | the coal; or whether, straight into London; terminus comes in by coming back - to an earlier point, there was

THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS.

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———ae (Manon 28, 1891, | 156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. no eoal in the truck when it did (or did not) arrive at St. Pancras: these were questions the House pursued, withered, as it was, under the wrath of Wicours. The point clearly perceived was, that Wicorns is a Director of Midland ray. In circumstances there are not to be found in House two more THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE. (March 21. Ozford won by half a length.) Great Zeus! was ever such a race since 1829, ay phot been Saw es M wate wegen the mighty line, | First of the stalwart heroes who mate their ining thews, oe then Banwes and —— | And on great Thames’s tide have fought the battle of the Blues ? = ‘ain 2, ena best jud | Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his pen : mo mle o itheat | Still is there pinok im England, and still her sons are Men. o me A in en Rhea | to think | And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, or rain, thet S had o> tan by mature, 50 | With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and again. , | A health to you, brave Amprurit; the cheering echoes far; ey eee ee ee | For Fiercuer and the Nicxatxs’ lads—nobile fratrum par. passions ris | A shout goes up for WiLxrnsoy, the stalwart and the strong, peng Le glad — |For Reecre Rowe, and dauntless Kent, who kept the stroke so long. o. oy g M hester, Sheff j. | For Poors, the tidy bowman, and Hxywoop-LonspALe too ; 4 Linco! em a ae Bill ‘i ‘4 * | Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant Oxford Crew. fe. 1 Tie - - 212 V to to 103 * | Nor,—though the years speed onward, and others wield the oar, ume, DY - co Though others race and win or lose where we have raced before ; _ Thursday.—House engaged in_con-| Though others, while we watch the sport, should play as we have sidering Lords’ Amendments to Tithes| And scorn us prosy greybeards—shall Exm’s glory fade? _[played, Bill. s as dull as usual; House Noni, and Loxp, and Francetys, they each shall have their cheer, nearly empty; walk about corridors) And Brappon, small, but quick of eye, who craftily did steer, through tea-room, newspaper-room, and And Row arr, and Fose-Eiis0fr, and Lanpate, of the Hall, 1 i ; ‘almost dese ; in smoking-| And Fisowx, sturdy Corpus man—we cheer and praise them all. room came upon little group playing | Punch loves all sturdy men and true, by whom great deeds are done, cards ; three of them ; So.icrtor-Genz- RAL, Cuartes Russert, and Asquira, a ty iy 7 ponte a . >» “ suppose,” said, “ ey ’re yin Abert Gat Cost Tract whist; why don’t you make Upthe hand? 4 ** Whisht! it’s not whist!’ Lockwoop whispered, keeping his eye | closely fixed on e. “It’s Baccarat, (Ah! Cranke! I saw you. Come, pay up. You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby Court | case you know. I’m not in it, but my learned brethren here hold | briefs oa either sida, and they say they are bound, in the interests of their clients, to master the intricacies of the game. I must say they | have managed very successfully to subordinate their horror of gambling. KvssELL, you know, a positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says, a Barrister must sometimes put his preju- | dices in his pocket. Asquirn brings tothe game a serious aspect that positively sanctifies it. As for Epwagp Ciarxs, he’s wonderfully | nimble. He was trying /a poucette just now when I called out to him. | As everything turns upon this, my learned friends say they must | make themselves acquainted with it. But I hope it won’t lead to any breaking up of families. I’m told the Judges who are likely to be ing cases in London before Whitsuntide, im: by a similar sense of duty, are also studying Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have devel a wonderful talent. As a family man, and er of Sheffield, I’m glad I’m not briefed in the case.” Business done.—Tithes Bill. Friday.—Young Hazny Lawson, with his beaver up, moved Resolution approving the opening for certain hours, and under special regulations, of the Nati Museums and Gal- leries, closed in London to the public on Sun- days, made capital and convincing speech; supported by men like Jomw Lvupnock, and, from Conservative side, Mayne and Excno. Earlier in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel Hoxton, Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green been heard by petition, ying for the boon. But dear old Ronenxt Fowier knows better what is good for the people. O Motion. Op Moxauity, who never goes into his picture gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Satur- ay, whipped up Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against 39. Mr. Bone, who had been watching Debate from Distinguished Strangers’ Gallery, hugely delighted. “S’elp me,” he said, “ that’ll stop their little game for this Parliament, at least. What do they mean hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go opening your bloomin’ meoseums and picter galleries on Sunday arternoons, what’s to become of Mz?” Business done.—Mr. Bune’s ; and very effectively, too. “Yourg Harry.” | ** Flat, Stale, and Unprofitable.” Hamppen, farewell! Ere this you may have found The World you swore was flat is really round. But many a man, with brains beneath his hat. Swears that the World is round, and finds it flat. | where one of them subsequently changes his mind. eo |a written contract,” saye when someone suggests that practice authority. And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews of ’91. LEGAL MAXIMS. (Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal.) Common Law.—*‘ The tradition of ages shall prevail,” save when it runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily paper. — Equity.--(1). ‘* No right shall be without a remedy,” save when it is sentimentally suggested that somebody’s right may be somebod , wrong. . (2.) ** Equity follows the law,” at such a dis- tance that it never comes up with it. (3.) ** Equity is equality,” save when a man’s wife is literally his better half. (4.) “* Where there is equal equity the law must prevail,” in any view it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time being. (5.) ** Where the equities are equal the law prevails,” in any course it likes to pursue. (6.) “* Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done,” especially when, after obtain- ing legal relief, the suitor ultimately finds him- self sold. fia! Contracts.—(1.) “* All contracts are construed according to the intentions of the parties,” save ~ (2.) ** The construction should be liberal” enough to suit the fancy of the Judge who enforces it. (3.) “* It should be favourable” to a long and angry correspondence in all the principal povepagers. (4) ** The contract should in general be construed according to the law of the country where made,” but certainly not in particular. — (5.) “* That testimony cannot be given to vary, but explain shall be reversed. (6.) “* He who employs an agent does it himself,” unless it is con- sidered advisable to take an ape view of the matter. ; Parent and Child,—“ A father shall have the custody of his chil- dren,” except when they get beyond his control and defy his Landlord and Tenant.—“‘ A \andlord has a right to receive his rent,” if the tenant does not spend the money on something else. _ Husband and Wife.—* A man has a right to the society of his wife,” when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere. | Birthright of an Englishman. ( Popular traditionally, but strictly speaking supplementary.)—“ An Englishman’s house is his castle,” but only the pied a terre of the lawfully wedded sharer of his income. Ovp Farner ANTIC, QUEER QUERIES.—Crimare or tHe Barrisn Istes.—As the Gulf Stream pr »duces such an effect on the English climate, would it not be feasible to add to the heat of the water in some way oy) by erecting powerful furnaces somewhere on the south coast 0 Florida. or by turning the lava from a voleano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into the sea? I am not a man of science, but I be glad to hear your opinion of the scheme.—Sv¥rexgx From COLD. tp NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even whem accompanied by s Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Manon 26, 1691. CURIOUS OLD ICHLAND WHISKIES , 7 10 16 & 25 years is wool. bs yer den. 42/- 60/+ 72/- 120/- jn eminent Medieal Aathority, Syhuky, the moderate use hat on no account should Whisky seed unless it is well matured, Detailed List on application to OREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 910 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. sty Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. mi) MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878, INAHAN’S tux gnsax pens MILD. AND LL OLD IRISH W HISKIES.” s AND won WHISKY. f PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. FORD STREET, YORK ROAD, LAMBETH, 8.E. THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY wtainsnoSugir. Is sot stored in Sherry Caske. De SLABETES, — & ZIDNEY COMPLAINTS. Certainly seems to deserve ite name.”—Lanese. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. GEO. BACK & CO., Devonshire Square, London, JAM-VAR WHISKY, THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. |° TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. ly TEE PALACE AND THES SHIELING. THE BLST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards, Recommended by the MeJical Faculty. B23 & GRIEVE, ED: NBURGE and LONDOW. MADE WITH BOILING WATER. EPP S$’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTING, OCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK, ® Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. JOSEPH GILLOTT’S PENS, Numbers for = 4, BANKERS :—Barrel Pens, 225, 226, 262. Slip Pens, 332, , 166, 404. In Fine, Medium, and Broad Points. “JOHANNIS i KING OF TABLE WATERS. CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL GAS. Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, and Indigestion. Mixes equally well with Wines, Spirits, or Milk. Not medicinal, but an agreeable health-promoting beverage. SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS AND KESTAURANTS. Sample Cases of 50 pints, 18/6, including bottles. JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd., ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. Waotrsate Srones— Sta. WHARF ROAD, CITY ROAD, LONDON. SENDING ABROAD PARCELS. GOODS, BAGGAGE, FURNI TURE, ae. Coane, =. "Pies & Bcorr's Eurness,” 2, Regent 8.W., and 23, Cannon Street, ko N. Bo Wate for New Tariff, Cheap Kates, post free any address Assoap CAUTION .—Other and inferior makes of W LADDER WEBS are now beingsold. The On:ormat and Kesr has the name CARL'S otompe ed on ONE 1088 ow in every yard. Ask for CARR'S BTAMPEL LADDER WEB, and see that the name is there BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO., FRE. PROTECTION * MANSIONS 10, Warwick Square, E.C, | Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DBAPL2, Lid, Dublia. | USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, ~ BEST FOOD INFANTS. g In Tins, 1s., 2s., 5s. and 10s. each. a SAVORY & MOORE, tonoox, QND SOLD EVERYWHERE. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. Tho Original and Genuine “* Worcestershire Sauce.” For HOT and COLD MEATS, GRAVIES, SALADS, WELSH RAREBITS, &c., &c. Signature is on every Hottie of the Genuine and Original. LIEBIG iw COMPANY'S EXTRAOT or BEEF (as above) in Biue Ink seroes the Label on exch Jar of the Genuine Extract. REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND NROPP RAZOR. Wover Bequires Grinding. Black Handle, 5/6. Ivory Handle 7/6. From al Dealers, Wholesale, Ocnonwe, Gannett, & Co., London, W ~ LOHSE'S Fak WALGLOCKCHE ™ LILY OF THE VALLEY = PERFUME TOILET SOAP "sets by od Nigh tnes in the world class Jerfumers. GUSTAV LONSE eenun FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY FLED YOUR CHILDR: DE RIDGES PATENT COOKED FO” Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. SEWARB OF IMITATIONS OF DOTH RED AND BROWN LABELS. T0 SAVE THE TELTE, USE Dally THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER Beautifies and Preserves the Teers lw parts a Sweet Fragrance to the Narwre ls Cooling and Refs venng ce he Mowrtu And takes away smell of Tosaceo N.B.—The success of this the Gret liquid D at friee made in Envcland has led te many test we imitations It is necessary for purchasers to “ 7 C.'s signature band on each Hottie Hotties, le. 6¢,, 2s, G4., 4s, G4,, and ts Od, of all Chemists and Stores, or sent, post free from S&S. DOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL »HOP,, TEA A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, prepared under Swettive’s Patents Improves the flavour of tes, assists Gigestion. SOLD retell by all Grocers THE HOP TRA CO. Luu, OT GEORGE'S HOUSE, FASTCHEAr 4.6, and 1 Ib. samples, with testimonia's, &c., will be sent on receipt of P.0.0 WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. Be sure to ask for GRANTS, and don't be pul of with inferior makes. ROCHE'S 2RO EMBROCATION The celebrated effectual cure without internal medicine. Bole Wholesale Agents, W, Kowsnoe & Son, 167, Queen Victoria Street, London Bold by most Chemists. Price & bottle Parie—#. Acann, 3%, Rue *t, Martin New York—Foverss & Co., North Wiltem Btreet, COLT’S NEW UNITED STATES WAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Travelers, and for Military Purposes, takes Biey's ™ cal, Bapress and a!) other “* cal COLT’S LICHTNING MAGAZINE RIFLES, For Large and *m«ll Game, Rook Shooting, and Target Practice, are uneurpas-e4 hy accuracy and unequaile od for rapid ty of Gre COLT’S REVOLVERS carried off ali the highest Prices at Misler, Ed o burgh, and Dubin in 1600. Price List fee COLT’S FIREARMS Co.,14, Pall Mall, London, 5. W. eegen te ae ee a lt all ld at

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Mazom 28, 1891. DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS FOR SUITS AND ULSTERS. THE BEAUTY OF THE SKIN ENHANOED BY POUDRE D'AMOUR (Prepered by Pucaso Paenes. Parfumeurs). A Tollet Powder combining every desider«tam, Mygienic and Cosmetic, for beautifying and soften- tng the Skin. 16 will be equally welcomed by ali, for imparting & most natural fraicheur to the complezien itiemen wi!! find it most soothing and pleasant for ese after shaving in three tint, Blanche for feir skins, Naturelle for darker complexions, and Rachel for use by artificial light is. My Post, free from observation, bs. 34. To be had of all Hairdressers, Chemists, Wholesale Depot: B. ROVENDEN & SONS, 2S, BERNERS STREET, W And 91-85, CITY ROAD, EC, LONDON Write to Deriington at once for the NEW SPRING PATTERNS, Sent POST FREE on Approval. PEASE’S World-renowned GROSS-WARP SERCES. Woven in Double Threads both ways of the Cio’ from Pure Elastic English Wools. —E lard Wear Combined —Always in Fashion. Any Length Cut, no matter how short. —Any article not approved of exchanged within Seven Days. — Ali Goods are warranted to be equal te sampie.— Carricge Paid on all Orders t+ any Kallway ~tation in Great Mritain, and te Dublin ifast, Limerick, Cork, and Waterford HY. PEASE & C0.’8 SUCCESSORS, The Mills, Darliogton. Tondon Sale Room —244 KEUENT -TRERT Fe 6: Were acapital couple the Moo | ‘Z polish the Earth, she brightens the sky:. And we both (declare, ashalf the world knows, Fhough acapital couple , we . WONT WASH CLOTHES The World’s most marvellous Cleanser and Polisher. Makes Tin like Silver, Copper like Gold, Paint like New, Brass Ware like Mirrors, Spotless Earthenware, Crockery like Marble, Marble White. SOLD BY GROCERS, IRONMONGERS, AND CHEMIST 4d. a Large Bar. LEGISLATION AGAINST IMPURE SOAPS. “ History repeats itself.’ The Ephesians of old made considerable uproar at the suggestion of the possibility of the dethronement of Diana, ssa their occupation of making images of the goddess would then have been gone. Last week, when Dr. George Brown in a lecture before the Ballo Society suggested the propriety of Legislation in the matter of soap manufacture, the leading soapmakers were furious for the self-same craft would be endangered, It is not nice reading the long list of objectionable substances used as substitutes for pure fat in inferior soaps, and wit Dr. Brown gave it as his experience that the lines upon which ‘ Vinolia’ Soap is manufactured should be the lines laid down by the authorities, the manufacturers opposed the proposition to a man, and the motion was only carried by a majority of one, This was the best possible proof of al culpability, for no one innocent of the charge of adulteration could surely object to legal supervision. Personally, we are very pleased, for many ago we drew attention to the special soap singled out by Dr. George Brown, and sang its praises pretty considerably.”"—Cowrt Circular, 27th Dec., 18% VINOLIA SOAP—Floral, 64.; Balsamic, 84.; Otto of Rose, 10d.; and Vestal, 2s. 6d. Shaving Sticks, ls., ls. 6d., and 2s. 64, ; Hat Cakes, in porcelain-lined metal boxes, 2s. Vinolia Shaving Foam, in collapsible tubes, ls. 6d. VINOLIA CREAM and VINOLIA POWDEER—Is. 0d., 3s. 6d., and 6s. each per box. VINOLIA DENTIFRICE—American, ls. 6d.; English, 2s. 6d. Printed by Lombard ptreet, ia Precines of William Stuart Smith, of No. 9, Loraine Read, 1 Parish of St. Mary, Istin , in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Mesers. Bradbury & Ca, Lamia the t Waitetdars in day sy BL tay Published by him rH &, Fleet Street, in tile Parish of 86 Bride’ City of Ca eT ie ui eVERY BATURDAY. PUBLISHED

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Happy QUITE Wolumes by VERY RATHER AT ¥F.C.B MUCH THOUGHTS. HOME, © Menace ABROAD. AT SEA. “ These volumes are bright, genial and wholesome, and excellent company for leisure hours."—Sfeaker. ig we by ty — > - - . =? uit i Cy

‘BONSd S3SUNL BOI a | z “ > - 0 w b 4 ts) J i) ») . — se APRIL 4, i ; zs | iit i re ie mL i: We bh <a 973 ay fot a3 | 7m mos uN! SAS PUNCH sania 85, FLEET STREET. — AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. v

THESE WATERS SODA, POTASS, CONTINUE TO BE | nem | SOHWEPPE'S |- 4222 AND To SPARKLING MALVERN Ber Majesty the ee WATERS. Queen.

Office as a Newspaper.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Arnm 4, 1891. FAMOUS COLF LINKS. BY HORACE HUTCHINSON, Andrew Lang, H. T. C. Everard, T. Rutherford Clark, &oc. With mumerces llhustrations by F. FP. Horurws, T. Hones, NH. T. Kuve, and from Photograph. London: LONOMANS, GREEN, & CO Now ready (Sixpence) New Series, No 94, Tt CORNHILL MAGAZINE APRIL, containing “ The White ” ty A. Conan Doyle Author of * ecto,” Chops 10 ond ~ Oe the Wings of the Wiad ” —* Carrara Without the Wedding Gar- ment” ‘The Dread To Morrow” — On Quiet Rivers in Ceylon Right Days,” by the Author of “ The Touchstone of Peril,” Chaps, 28 to 90. Lendon : furre, Poors, & Co., 6, Waterioo Place. PRICE INE SHILLING. M Cowrerts ron Arar. Aurtralian Federation. By W. Basil Worsfold Esther Vanhomrigh Chaps. VIL, VITI. Margaret L. Woods. Gray and his Letters. Py 7. ©. Bailey With o Clairveyante. Py DM Btate Reformation of Criminals. Winter, ¥ Social Bath in the Last Century. Mre A. ps the Willandra Billabong. Roberts Begun in Jest hep. TX.) By Mre. Newman Hotes of the Month. Our Library List. Lomdaor JOHN mt TRRAY Albemarle Street NOTICE The price of the Ewoursn Inuverearen Micacrrs i now Six- pence Net. The terms on which it is supplied to dealers are not such ae will enable them to sell the Magazine at leas than the published price. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MACAZINE For APRIL. profusely Tilustrated, price 64. net 1. William James Linton, Wood wer and Poet. Engraved by W. Biscombe Gardner. Pront 3. William James Linton trated Ry By Aletandéer By By Morley (Chap. 1 Pred G. Kitton. IJius- 8. The Lepers of Robben Island. G. Seymour Fort. & Harrow School. Kev H Montage Butler, D.D., Master of Trinity ollege, Cambridge, Percy M. Thornten, aod Ph Martineau Iiastreted by Charlies J 6 Girlhood im Italy. Fenny Zampini Salezaro. 6 The Monasteries of Meteora. The Hon. Georzse Curzon, MP. Diustraced by C M. Newton 7 ‘ee Sree History of the Koh-t-Nur. V. Ball, +, F 2.8. Diwstrated s the Wines of Prague. ¥. Marion Iilustrated by W. J. Hennessy. ateon Crawford. MACMILLAN & ©O., LONDON. CONTENTS OF MACMILLAN'S MAGAZINE No. 37% for APRIL» A Mystery of Old Gray's Inn; by Andrée Hope. Our New Political System Chapters from Some Unwritten Memoirs; by Mre Mitchie. V. My Witches’ Caldron. A Study of Nelson; by W. O'Connor Morris. The Farmer's Friends; by C. Parkinson. Scotts Heroines. Leal The Suampests ef Cocater Svanee ; by H. A. “erry A Leecal Historian ; by O. C. Macaulay. Henry Schliemann ; by Perey Gardner. Se ees? eer MACMILLAN & ©CO., LONDON Second Edition. Crown 610, cloth, ls. 64. ; Fons | FOR THE FAT.—The Ry r. YORKE mies L. noe Coll. Phys, Lond “ The Sateeet will rice up. and call the doctor Diessed.” aco. “Few of our tends will allow much time to ela before having a dict laid tows for them on the lines indicated in this bow Sr. Srernes’s Review Leadon cuatTe & WINDUS, 314, Piccadilly. WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY, He sure to ask for GRANTS, and don't be pat off with inferior makes. “ EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”— Lancet, June 15, 1889, CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAVELLERS, DELICATE CHILDREN, WEAK DIGESTIONS, COCOA ano MILK Tins, ls. 6d. and 2s. 6d., obtainable everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. ——— “HEAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE, (Reep.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE @vaLiTrY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” SAMUEL BROTHERS. BOYS’ 8 and CLOTHING. They will also be to send, upon Perens Parrenve of Marznisce for the wear of Gentie- Loevr, a gee 84 400 Engra vings. furniahes ¢ cetails of t the various wih Price Liste ae, fy ‘pps Nor- Tweeds, Ghevicws a"Wie eictaction this eminent firm is “ Eron” Sort. always kept in stock SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, x 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Loxpow, E.C. Workshops :— st. — Hill, and #, "s Inn Road RANSOMES’ At the Jubilee Meet- the K.A.8.8., ) LAWN MOWE RS THE BEST in the WORLD. “New Avromaron,” “ Cua Avromaron,” “New Pann,” = Wease, and ‘ony sx” Hoass-Powsn” Mowszas, in all ph. to sul requirement. Ail Machines sent on « : .and Carrisge Paid. Supplied by ail Ironmongers. RANSOMES, SIMS & JEFFERIES, 14. Ipswich. ws, | HY, P LOHSE’S MAIGLOCKCHEN ™ LILY OF THE VALLEY = PERFUME TOILET SOAP are the mest fashionable in the Sold by all hgh class Jerfumers. GUSTAV LOHSE, sertin. L «i 35 wet — Write to Darlington at once for the NEW SPRING PATTERNS, Sent POST FREE on Approval. PEASE’S World-renowned CROSS-WARP _, SERGES. Any Length Cut, no matter how short. —Any article not approved of exchanged within Seven Days.— Ali Goods are warranted to be cr to sampie.— Carriage Paid on all Orders to yt allway station in Great ae. and be we ifast, Limerick, ork, @ PEASE & C0.’S SUCCESSORS, The Mills, Darlington. Tondon Sale Room :—244. REGENT STRERT. E A R CLAXTON’S iC A Pp PATENT For Remedying Prominent Ears. Prevents disfigurement in after-life. Keeps the Hair from Tangling. Sold im 3 sizes. Nos. 1 and 3 for Infants; No. 6 for Children Black, 3e 6d.; White, 5e. A. CLAXTON, 62, Strand, W.C. COLDEN BRONZE HAIR. The lovely muance “Chatain Foneée"’ can be imparted to Heir of any colour by using BRINE. fold only by W. WINTER. 472, Oxford 8t., London. Price 6s. 6¢.. 10s. 64.,21s. For tinting grey or faded Hair ZRINE is invaluabie. STREETER & COMP."S SPECIALITIES. D!AMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and D!AMONDS of all colours. STREETER & COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St., London. |"enice/- Aaa GOow’s AURA High-Class oted and Bangs ote Cuisine. Oyster and Shellie He OXFORD.—MITRE HO Ons OF THE MOST Econ FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE BRIGHTON Hotel Merron Carfthcriy CALLARD & BOWSERS BUTTER-SCOTCH. NOTICE.—ESPECIALLY To LA ALFRED WEBB MILES & COMP 13,10, and 8, BROOK ang SQUARE, LONDON, movies comptotes extensive sadstiane t 4 beg to notify the opening of s EPARTMENT for the supply of JUVE CLOTHING. A select variety of fashionable suitable for boys from four years of gr, npwest style, will be always kept in fur immediate use at moderate prices for cast ym ments. Telegrsphic address, W res Mices. | Telephone 29 9. Close at 2 rox. on Satur WHY CHAPPUIS’ PATENT DAYLIGHT REFLECTOR Diffase — pore Render Dark Dew Light, and promote health, comfort, and cons Catalogue: or Experiments free of charge P. B. CHAPPUIS & Co., 69, Floot Stress, Lalg BENZINE COLLAS.—For ARTISTS A SPECIALLY GOOD MEDIUM =e on Silk, Satin, Gauze, Lincrusta, Wood, Giass, a Cards, Leather, &e.,&¢. BENZI LLAS.—Ask for “ Collas CLr ME. COLLAS _—CLRANS DRESSES REMOVES TAK, OIL, PAINT, GREAS FYROM FURNITURE, "CLOTH, &e — BENZINE GOLLAS.—For ARTISTS A SPECIALLY GvOD MEDIUM oie on Silk, Satin, Gauze, Lincrusta, Wood, Gara Giass, Tapestry, Cards, Leather, &e., 4 _ BENZINE GOLLAS.—Try “ Colla.” See the word COLLAS on the Label aad Op Extra refined, nearly odouriess. On using becoming quite odourless BENZINE GOLLAS,—Ask for “Colla ration and take no other. every where, 6d., ls., and ls. 64 en [ seus J. Saxon & Sows, 480, Oxford Btret. © Bewans or tae Paarr orrencne Turrationt # Macwrven & Camenon's Peeve THE FLYING “J” PES ie wae coe = rr temple "Bon, : all adage to yt Aa by Pot Macniven & Cameron, Waverley Works, Rérot BEST 4 SAFEST L ENTIER BOLD BY ALL CHE! @NO PERFUMERS, In ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET price 2/6. OSz2 LOCK METALLIC BOX —_—_———————

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| Arr 4, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. (Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite.) No, I.—NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVOIT). Acr I, A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture. Gimcracks in an étagére; a festoon of cheni gaselier, Japanese fans, skeletons, cotton-wool spiders, frogs, and lizards, scattered everywhere about. Drain-pipes with tall dyed grasses. A celain stove decorated with transferable pictures. Showily- d books in book-case. GC . The Visitors’ bell rings in the hall outside. The hall-door is heard to open, and then to shut. Presently Nora walks in with parcels; a Porter carries @ large Christmas-tree after her— BRA hums , and eats macaroons. Then Hetmer puts his head out of his Manager's room, and Nora Aides macaroons cautiously, Helmer (playfully). Is that my little squirrel twittering—that my lark frisking in Love P Nora, Ess! (To herself.) 1 have only been married eight years, so these marital amenities have not yet had time to pall! Helmer (threatening with his certainly her mouth). The worst of not. (Zo herself.) being so babyish is—one have to tell such a lot of tara- diddles! (Jo H.) See what I’ve bought—it’s been such fun! (inspects: Lor inspecting parcels), al expensive fattle Helmer *m—ra TTakes her playfully by the a Pp ly by the ear, Yora. Little the like to have a flutter occasionally. Which reminds me——(Plays with his coat-buttons.) I’m sucha — ickle sing—but if you are think- ing of giving me a i present, make it cash ! Helmer. Just like your poor father, he always asked me to make it cash—he never made any himself! It’s heredity, I suppose. Well—well ! [Goes back to his Bank, Nora goes on humming. Enter Mrs, Lunpen, doubtfully. Nora. What, Curistriya—why, how old you look! But then ou are poor. I’m not. TorvaLp has just been m a Bank anager. (Tidies the room.) Isn’t it really w y delicious to be well off? But, of | you wouldn’t know. We were poor once, and, do you know, when TokvaLp was ill, I—(tossing her head)— though I am such a frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I actually borrowed £300 for him to go abroad. Tra-la-la! mch's mere baby I dente tll hime everything. I tall Dr. Rae a mere 't i ing. r. Rawk, though. Oh, ye awfully happy I should fice to shout, ** Dash it all!” Mrs, Linden (stroking her pee). Do—it is a natural and innocent outburst—you are a child! But I am a widow, and want employment. Do you think your husband could find me a place as clerk in his Bank? (Proudly.) I am an excellent knitter ! ora, That would really be —vy | funny. (Zo Heimer, who enters.) Tonrvaxp, this Campers : she wants to be a clerk in your Bank—do let her! She thinks such a lot of you, (To herself.) Another taradiddle! i . Bhe is a sensible woman, and deserves encouragement. along, Mrs. Luspen, and we’!l see what we can do for you. (He goes out through the hall with Mrs, L., and the front-door it heard to slam after them, . Vora. (opens door, and calls). Now, Emax, Ivar, and Box, come in and have a romp with Mamma—we will play hide-and-seek. (She gets under the table, smiling in quiet satisfaction; KroostaD enters—Nona pounces out wu im). Boo! ... Oh, I beg your I don’t do this kind of thing generally—though I may be monkeys hanging from the Wh surety. Oh, we Spon = oh are which he down. Nowa gives him a shilling—and he out yh” 4 No poe, | three ve my post at the Bank. Now, as owe me the balance of £300. for which I hold your meat, you will sce the i a) a stop to this little game at once. ora. But I don’t at all—not a little wee bit! | you know—why should I ? [ Bitte Krogs, I will try to make it in to the meanest e , I naturally ui Your father, being a shady y—for, if he had possessed one, he would, eft it to you—without a penny, then, I, as a —— Papa’s signature, didn’t you ? t . Unfortunately, it was dated decease—now, do you account for that ? Nora, How? Why, as a was dead, and yyy ~ I signed for him, that’s all! y aapahow 1 Saget © t date back. That’s how. Didn’t I tell you I was a silly, un- businesslike little thing? It’s simple. Krogs. Very—but what you amounts to forgery, notwith- I happen to know, because I’m a lawyer, and have done additional security. official, without a presumably, have cautious man of b | Nora, Well, you Krogs. oe a ys a little in the forgi 5 le in the forging way — but been taken in by it! says it’s wrong, the Law's a bigger goose than poor fittle me even! (70 a been asking you to get me to take him back—now, hasn't he ? Nora (walking about). Do just see how ‘mend the Christmas- tree looks Helmer. Never mind the tree —I want to have this out about Kxroosrap. I can’t take him back, contagion into f ically, that K yy; +3 Shilde : follows, " ROGSTAD ng children for ~d, - outing a and is morally lost. (Stretches out his hands to her.) I can’t a morally lost Bank-cashier about me! Nora, But,you never thought of dismissing him till Cuxistrwa came ! Helmer. Hm! I’ve got some business to attend to—so -bye, little lark ! [ Goes into office and s door, Nora (pale with irre, If Knoasrap poisons his children because he once forged a name, I must be Emmy, and Bos, and Ivar, because J forged Papa’s ! (Short pause; she raises her head proudly.) After all, if I am ao doll, I can still draw a logical induction | I mustn’t play with the children any more— (hotly)—I don’t care—I shail, h! Who cares for Knoceran ? [ She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as Curtain falls, N.B.—The tremendous ical problem of whether Nona is as much of a doll, a io, a lark, as she seems, and if so, whether it is her own fault, or Hetmen’s or Society’s, will be solved in subsequent numbers. B Late THan Nuver.—At last the authority of the L.C.¢. his Genes of BapvoRp hes been that within three months from now “ Locks, bolts, and bars must fly asunder” in the parish of St. Pancras, where henceforth existence of all such obstruc- tion is to cease. We hope that the geto- beepers, whens cosnpation is h - a Mud e, have been amply provided for, as Eat only themselves to Som. Mr. Pune od gt mey i f advocat the reform. And now, Gen pardon. 8 little silly ! Krogstad (politely). Don’t mention it. I called because I happened which, like Scotland in Macheth’s time, ‘“‘ stands where it did” ? VOL, ©, Pp

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a, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Apri 4, 1891, ——_—.

FASCINATION ! “ APOLLONIU bable conjectures, found her out to be a t, « Lamia; and that all her furniture was, like Tantalus's gold deseribed ese, Yon by Homun, no substance, but sore illesien.””—Durton's Anatomy of Melancholy, en ae

Ub". 4 Mpitis My Wyjvuz 5 ne iffy mG, < ONT} 57 S ~el = a A Lamia, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most unequivocal, | Poor Lrcrvs had excuse. Who might refase worship to Lami, betray the Snake ; ** now a lady bright” ? As fell ophidian as in fierce meridian of Afric ever lurked in swamp | But foul-fanged here, fiercs-eye 1, a shape of fear, the serpent s‘ard: or brake ; revealed to general sight, 2 And yet Corinthian Lrcrvs never doted on the white-throsted | A loathly thing, close, knotted ring on ring, of guise unlovely, and _ charmer of his soul infectious breath ; With blinder passion than our fools of Fashion And yet strong witchery draws to those wide jaws Feel for this gruesome ghoul. Whose touch is shameful death. —

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» 1891, eri bed -

Arnit 4, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 159

“Tie = vv 7. oe ami), tard, , and

See how the fluttering inted wings, foolish as gnat- Flock nearer 4 Fees too, ter, queerer, frog-d of nearer, nearer nain folly, rabbit-thralls of craze, s ve Detterfiy triflers ou-shaned % would-be riflers of golden chalices, Flitter and flutter in delirium utter, As drawn by wizard powers.. Oh, Prag late, ”? Summer coverts shady, the greenwood home, Attend Godt bel when’ ‘a oe eee + Oe oh Ch ahotehealid to Ee > denen emon yields ? Oh, birds of Iris-glitter, black and bitter will be the wakening when those gaudy umes Fall crashed and as your senses deaden Tn poisonous Python fumes! Ye gobemouche creatures of batrachian features, who ‘‘ go a-wooing”’ such a fate as this, Have ye no vision * that doom’s decision? Have ye no ear for rattle or for Salammbé’s cra svn, morbid and enslaving, was sanity compared with your mad hs well the exvalinar the Gaven chitin ight follow Or hawk be chased by dove! Tantalus’ gold is all such Lamias hold ; ’tis Devil’s dice such Mammon vassals throw ; A = fever fires each fool-believer in the gross glitter, the unholy Vile | is “your Dagon! Circe’s venomed flagon embruted less than doth the Lamia’s wine, Than Comus’ cup more perilous to sup— As snakes are worse than swine. The Paid di enchanted, who so flaunted her borrowed robes fashion of Snake Enchanter Greed’s inspiration its sole fascination. Low selfishness its thrall. “A Serpent!” So the eopniat murmured low, and ‘‘ Lycrvs’ arms were empty of deligh Lamia had oe eee APoLLortvs, with the might banish thus the bestial Lamia of our

Of sense magnanim: ids, Whose fascination draws « noble nation To sordid slow decay ! is to be excluded Daytg wor ‘1m rr” |—The pues Done from the Indian Civil’Service Examina “The story is extant, and written in very choice Italian,” mee Hamlet, and SHAKSPEARE knew that the reference would be intelligible to his audience. But Hamlet “‘ up to date” in this ‘so-called nineteenth century” would be pelled to give the thus, ee eriginal ony, believe, onuisnd” B me a , with which pone fhe ease ut, after ma ine to the Gilbert. alia Sitar gil Go canidcins may bo ia and sing— “ Bam of all temptation,, next examination Though, A They "ll bas Letale i-an!” years hence, it may happen that they’! be sorry they weren't compelled to get up Italian as one of the subjects.

see 7 Our Hover or Hees! ae line would mabe motto for our very useful, c q interesting wee contemporary entitled Woman, 4 Jamas “ the only one in the above-mentioned publication to which objection can possibly hs oy y of Dickensian characters to modern instances. In uraday’s Tim Times, ah = Razzle-Dalziel wire, we read of

the return , Mr. Wasusvnrton Pixe after havi having fmm ao wet dauntless courage. Here od agers demas into one: it is Pike and P Phock combined.”

BEATUS POSSIDENS. ‘I’ve come aAnovt A Jon, I BEARD THERE WAS A Boy WANTED.” ‘On, YOU ’EARD AS THERE was A Boy WANTED, DID yer! THEen You 'RE JUST TOO LATE, ‘cos Master's sooTEp |” WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION. 3 ys oe specimen of the Birch. (Suggested by a Merry 3. "Balt ot Haberdaaery eet ton Book shop. pommen o an a 4 odel of the . ** Long-glass” from ‘' Tap.” 2 . Chips. from _ liest ys 1 with authentic of tonian riginal Transgression, or ‘* Fi 6. Documents tracing the connection between “‘ Pop” and the Par ijpecimen of Lower Boy's Hat, with motto,‘ Sub Togmine Fag 1 en er ,° e Fag- ” 8. Portraits of Eminent ‘ Bitters” on Fourth of une and Election Saturday in the early geo ereeealt feather * Wet-Bob’

Sr & 9. Soull of a ‘ feathered. *.. A copy ( Pie eyes = f= (NB. ot very scarce. 11. Portraits Me eminent Landlords who, acting on Suentpan’s advice, have “ kept up the X 12. Also, it, with life and ae the crabbed old Thames Waterman, on the river as ‘ Surly Hat.” [Any future suggestions that may be sent to us will be entirely at the service of the Duke of Firm and ethane, interested in promoting most interesting exhibition .} A Postisuer AND nis Farenps.—In order to w celebrate the hearty reception, by the oan and the public omen of this most ye and successf ork, the i represen itives of the great tbifshing firm of Mummy give a grand banquet, and, with ures, will sing in chorus the onee popular refrain, ‘ We are a Murray family, we are, we are, we are!” Prosit /

To Tuose rr may Concenw.—In reply to several Component Mr. Punch begs to sug that Awrnony TRo.iors would have observed, " Teay FO ee til dec Winns Ooms had written “‘ J Say No!”

his went esis

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$$ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arri 4, 1891, mencement of the day’s labours. ig ge cu Gove’ custard, THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER. soon. ‘were empty, ‘and the paper bags, on oe oooupied by Parliamentary crumpled up and disc gazed at the o t was (4 Ray PGs our.) two, and I was getting terribly hungry. I felt that my voice = “You will not forget, Sir,” said my excellent and admirable clerk, | beooming weak from famine, This would never do, and might “that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of the som. i my clients’ interests. I looked round eagerly ™ Portine- TON e was nowhere to be seen. I whispered to ** would the examination-in-chief last much longer?” om twee ull I glanced somewhat ounly at Portryerom, but was gratified to | it could not possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour, [| find that his face.was quite free from any | made up my mind to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the levity. Iwas the more pleased a before I had ~—y + omg hurriedly left my seat, x panes my way am & public , and had scarcely got outside LL I found my fai = laden with sandwiches and sherry post-haste > Get back, Sir, as pos» yr as you can,” he cried, as he thrust the honour | invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands ; “ run, . 8o for | Sir, ran; I hope they haven’t noticed * nome absence! ”’ Rather offended at the may te ted by my subordinate n the| cae Chee S pleased to find that the examination- in-chief was nearly ended. ‘I pulled myself together. I drank 4 glass of sherr onl finished a sandwich. My voice we in excellent tone, and | felt that the crisis of my life had indeed been reached, I knew that it was now or never. had this great chance of dis- tinguishing myself by pleasing my clients and securing a practice my clerk. |at the Parliamentary Bar, which might mean hundreds, nay, thou- the Mayor’s Court | sands a-year. I imagined my dren at Eton, B wife ins with Mr. Cuantes O’Motican in the morning, I daresay you won't | carriage and pair, my address fo Grosvenor Place. I had to do mind if I come with fyour sandwiches and , Sir, at two, or | to secure these tardi y-attained luxuries was to eS my clients thereabouts | by my careful attention to their intereste, The ement at length a towel, 5 unwillingly. O’Muttieaw shares with me | arrived. I rose to cross-examine. the good offices of Ponrrveror, but generally contrives to secure the| ‘‘ And now, Sir,” I said; feeling that I was master of the situs- lion’s portion of his services. I had arranged—understanding that no | tion, and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which was adjournment was made for . yy some refreshment should | striking terror into the heart of the witness before me, ‘' Jam going be conveyed to me during the day’s proceedings, so that my voice | to put a few questions to you!” should lose none of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced| ‘I beg pardon,” said the Chairman, cn ~r% you will do weakness) ) when the time arrived for my sdvocacy of the cause of my nothing of the sort. You were not present during the whole of the yew Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral interest in the | witness's examination- in- chief, and so we decline to hear you! _ day’s p pocesedions. The great North-East Diddlesex Railway wane | a a Bill to carry a new line into the bourhood of the} I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and er ? iictenden, and my duty was con to cross-examin- | sherry had ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together ing one of the expert wi witnesses that I knew would be asked to en On ee support the G. N. FE. D. R. To be candid, we had a _o- depdt| Pump-Handle Court. (Signed) A. Brrercess, Junior. near their terminus, and were fearful that their proximity would damage our mineral traffic. The matter was simple enough, } ut I had taken months in carefull tnd a small OLLENDORFF IN LONDON; library of charts, Encyclopedias, and Parliamen’ we Books, in OR, THE COCKNEY’S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK. ng On the morning following my conversation with PorrreTo No. I.—At tae Estate Acent’s, oy robed (I Dogg Fae on my wig and gown in Chambers), I travelled Have you some nice houses to let furnished ?—Here is our Cata- hansom estminster, and presented m at the side | logue, Sir.— I perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses; - A... to St. —» s Hall. I had no diffion ty in “indi the | ‘‘sanitation perfect ;” where is the satisfactory explanation of the fine Committee Room devoted to the consideration of the ed | advertisement ’—It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).— necessities of the Great North- East Diddlesex rm It was a| What is ‘Queen Anne” ?—Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, large and pleasant apartment, with a distant view through the | but Queen Anne is (the) last.—Is then sanitation ey ay eg SO windows of St. Thomas’s Hospital. At a horse-shoe table sat the | It is the little game of the big oes it is all our (my, his , her,) Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who t have filled | eyes.—Can we have some nice furniture oon can have (the equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved in the Royal | farnitare of Chippendale, Sheraton, M‘Adam, yy pa hy ——It Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I took my place | is too dear,—No, Sir; my brother bought it "yesterday of the clever amongst a number of my learned brethren, who >. , Dertect | carpenter. —I was done by jyou on le cog brother; I require a strangers to me. The table in front of ‘us was littered with plans, | room for my mother-in-law (neuter). — mother-in-law charts, and yy ~ of all descriptions. A Q.C. t with | sleeps in the chamber of boxes (box-room), sad the evil mother-in- him a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard, and were | were | law prefers the best bed-room.——How many persons are you /—We other refreshments mingled with,the exhibits before us. On chairs are sixteen.—You are, indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight- at the side were Solicitors; at our back, separated from us by «| house.——Is not: the noble drawing- -room smaller than we have 4 bar, were the Public. On the walls hanging h charts, | mind to?—On the contrary, it is very lofty. There is room neat the chandelier.—— Where is the ‘‘moderate-sized garden” ?—It is on the leads with the broken flower-pots, the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine or feminine). ——Is it then much larger than a - ej Decidedly not, Sir. It is also nearly as sticky. Much rain produces weeds.—Where are ‘‘the bath- rooms”? I only perceived a watering-pot.—Any rooms in which you pat baths, are bath-rooms.——What is then the price ?—The . | exorbitant client of the first-class agent demands four hundred guineas for the season.—It is too much.—He would take less in some minutes; but my commission will rest the same.-——Here are ‘Commanding mansions,” ‘ Bijou maisonettes,” and i residences.” —It is not difficult ; “ — that has a back-staircase is commanding, the ‘* Bijou” is for the ee actress, but the ‘‘ Desirable residence” is what you desire. —— What is then the “square hall” ?—It is neither moot yok. oblong ; therefore it is oumane, It is likewise in a square,——lIs it the Bridge of Asses?—I do not know, NS ee ee 7 ood of the sad dog.——What are dilapidations “the frst, Be ing t you break ; the second is ——i T eas © la my own house, and then to myself

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Apam 4, 1891, aul ( its Se TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION. Husband (off to Paris). r's Exrznsive!” ” t ! Wife. *' Ia 11, Daaiine! _Ha- HA-HADN'T YOU BETTER LEAVE ME A FEW Bias Cunouns! | But Anpnoctss sure, woul — failed of 8 ‘Don’t ory, DARLING. Bur YOU CAN TALK TO Ms THERE JOST AS IF WE WERE TOGETHER—ONLY BE CAREFUL, 48/(),. Awprocrrs bold eased a lion of old It’s 700 SAD TO LEAVE you, I xyow!/ TALKING BY TIME. Tax growin of the business having pressure already obliged the ey to cut down the time telephonic | communication between Paris and Brussels, from five minutes to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of public patronage that may be expected when the wire is between London and the French Capital, will soon necessitate the substitution, in place of the promised ten minutes, of an allowance to each speaker of a minute, or at most a minute and a half for his interview, which it may con- fidently be y be expected will not unfrequently | take ollowing shape the f — wane Official, _-4 Sir; your turn | TShute Le yr Londo on Talker in, and | switches London Talker. ve # am How me ey me fp at. wonder how now, one ought to speak. | Bethe shout. Anyhow, I’ll try that first. (At the top of his voice through the tube.) Hallo! Hi! Isay. Are you there’ Paris Listener (replying). Oh! don’t bawl like that. Of course I’m here, I’ve been waiting quite half a minute; thought were never going to begin. But lonpeen Le vogm ion pee h an 5 Joe It’s wane” Fe : mer. Not when Yo voice ? Paris Listener. Not when oon | wl fit |to break the drum of one’s ear. But come, now, get on quick with what you want to say, London Talker. All right—I "ll get on. | But now - me, do I pi ‘right now? Can you Paris Listener, Oh — Ti ifast. » I can hear that, | |and most distinctly. y, itisa — _ wonderful invention. | Paris Listener. Oh, bother the invention! | Do come to business! What did you want | | me for ? of course. Well, it | Inezorable O Time ’s London Talker. Oh | was just this, I maght— up i. Trouble you to make room for this Lady. [ Switches him “‘ off,” and turns hen out. | | “THAT CON—FOUNDLAND DOG!" | Mr. Jown Burt loquitur :— ** Love me, es my Dog!” Well, J don't want The fine but cntiistihe fellow. With a nip on his tail e’en a Bull wouldn’t fail To bounce round a bit, and to bellow. I tou square best with the greatest good If cuby! he +d—just for a moment—stand still. Stand still, with a nip like crocodile’s grip On one’s caudal ? Ah, just so! I know’ tis a task that seems too much to ask. I’m reasonable,—or I trust so, But there ts the Lobster, it’s holding on fast, | And— hang it! this state of affairs cannot last! | How came it about? That’s a matter of doubt, Which there isn’t much use in discussing, To part them’s my aim; I would manage ” ithe t ithe fighting or f ithout either ussing. wfoundland or not, there’ sno dog finds it nice To live very long with its tail in a vice! I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear! The Dog to my call won’t attend. I Conceive, if he would, it might be for his I'd hit on some modus vivend But if be won't stand still, and if Lobster on’ t loose My heartiest help cannot be of much use. iw Of a thorn in his foot—a If Leo had begs on the cour, anise at present. Verb. | De jase fot mo get at the Lobeter, old chap! | While it’s fast to your tail, and you wriggle and wail, And romp all around, the best master, And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't | Don's think I deride your disaster! The — of it might T"meko an elephant | No, all that 1 ask is—just give me a chance !

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illus on t

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Apart 4, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165 A TEN MINUTES’ IDYL. MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME In—|!%¢ shops ice penteal gs thought I, Lire isa fares, » dreary round, ee TO DINNER. The shops! mo thing a Aa a lately found (By @ Dinner-Belle.) The ehope. “* How wonderful was W arre- It out. No. III.—Tue Great Unxnowy. D ma Wizard’ Bad boldly masquerades as good, He was a dapper, dumpy thing, =e Aud shuddered tebe?” Fruit turns to ashes in the taking, With nought decisive on him graven : - Unpleasant very is the rude But smiles, like footlights flickering A silence froze his ready twang : ' Awaking. O'er visage shaven. ee ees that } me minute, ‘Tis Spring, when something, so one learns, | And it, that kind of social myth Wapeesni. Seems to affect the bu dove, Where e guest (and each a rum one) | That smile] | What And when a young man’s fancy turns Is Somebody, use the kith at enild ithe el meant the curse / To love. Or kin of Someone. This tomy _— 1 ent P Idid. With window open to the breeze, — The Great Siberian Victim’s Aunt, -ally provided.” The tramp of passers-by unheeding, The Godfather of Colonel Copy, Sensi Mmtiiinntinsh take I sit reclining at es ; And some affinity Poy + Salvation of a banquet’s ruin ‘ . Recall AUDET. “ : : 4. I've read enough—and not amiss In fine, a Tussaud’s once removed, oe y> 1-5 a I rather fancy now would be Not waxworks, but their far connections ; A little rest—ah ! gp s n es me m raving, For there a girl a handkerchief Is waving ! Like to a light that in the black inky night shines o’er the main, It disappears, and then comes back I know the house quite well—I ’ve heard Her father’s something in the City, And she’s a blue-eyed girl absurd- pretty. By Jove! she does it with a whirr, is inex she And It’s clear this -ly Is given to the fortiter Her nearer, Yes—the In re. Of course it ’s forward—and indeed It’s worse—it ’s shockingly imprudent Thus to encourage me, —_ " studen’ Her form is shadowy—I muat_ Get out my glasses, so to range is just The thing ! . Life is a farce, without a doubt! The cause of all this fuss and fluster Ts just a housemaid i Her duster! a y ive out IN THEIR EASTER EGGS. Lord Salishury.—Allegorical Cartoon re- presenting Bareamera astonished at the suc- cess of her recent Foreign Policy. Mr. Gladstone,—Pocket dition of Cyclo- ormation, pedia of Universal Inf illustrated, for the use of veteran Statesmen. The Emperor of sama yee = ponte Governing, wi special er- ence to the science as applied to the subordi- nation of ** temper.” _ Mr. Parnell.— Soul on the Art of copiously Group represent- ptured iam turning the tables | Though f The names, the attitudes, approved, But mere reflections. Our hostess, wont to pedigree Her portents, slurred his surname sweetly ; So up my smiler tripped—to me Unknown completely. Thus mystified, I needs must bruit The weather—*‘ It was rainy, rather. ** Yes,” he rejoined, ‘* It does not suit My Poet-father : ** Strange how the Sone ieee great men ; My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist, You know paints always smartest when lt rains smartest.” “In water-colours ?” feebly next I faltered, falling quite to slows : “No, no,” he murmured mildly vexed, ‘* You mean my nieces. ** Those delicate young paintresses Of Idyls in Cobalt eT Distr, THE MERRY GREEN WOOD. An “' Epping Forest” Chorus, “ For ever and again the Corporation of London send down their protégés, the young City sporte- men who may, or may not, know how to load a gun, but who are very keen on ‘Sport.’ Then the herds are driven by beaters tow the gallant huntemen, the forest re-echoes with the report of guns, and next day you can trace the whereabouts of the wounded bucks and deer by tracks of blood among the bushes, and by impressions on the grass where the maimed creature has fallen in its fignt for life.”"—Pall Mali Gazette, Chorus of Huntsmen, Ox, we like,— we love the M Green Wood As should Huntemen bold of ¢ proper sort | And we would hit the stag if we possibly could,— As is meet with such palpable sons of Sport. Away to the forest we ily run, And wait for the beaters’ welcome cry ; And h we are new to the use of a gun, Petrie terres mare g hey, or r; We warrant we hit him, if he comes near And we’ll send him lame and limping away, With a shot he’ll remember for many a day ! For come up! But it would beabsurd To ex JN aes to bag the whole So he blazes away ; and he hits one or two ; And they hobble away in some thicket to lie, And, after a day or two's suffering, die ; We don’t see recisely what more we could do, Than shout that ‘‘ we love the Merry Green Wood!” ‘ ; And would settle the stag,—if we possibly could / Tue following advertisement appears in the Standard :— Lady wishes to have twice from the country a BUPPLY of LIVE SPARROWS, for a favourite cat,—Address, &c. There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty 2 nee or Impressionist success, look about this ‘ Lady’s” desire to su eT, aeeareng & Give Give me my sister. . ~e > * with’ some downri Bt Tea esident nited States “* My nephew, he’s inspired of course, ; or Italten ions te Divine, quite autre chose : en bref you— | intends her well-cared ~ yy A Ez-King Milan of Servia.—A Monthly | Forgive an uncle’s peeo—-geenee the unhergy, opesrews ¢ » m4) Cheque for amusement and travelling ex- Adore my - Clip their wings, and set them on the draw- penses, but not including a return ticket to | Reeling with Relatives, I quite : ing-soemh floor: or tie strings to their ; My compass lost: to shift our bearing, | 4 Tet"ale tuhourite oat go for them?” Rensigte Soe eee Gonna — Dae hundred “ Who is the Lad - — right gg Cate must be fed. But it is not nevessary hort dono water. wigs , to provide them with a “ Supp’ ~ bow Augustus nt ae ogg 8 I “ That Beauty, like the portraits I’ve pee ol twice, or even once. We submit Borer curing up and working For sale beheld of Miss Brix Brutow.”— | the subject to the notice of the 8.P.C.A. thowing the * ” eould be —_ “She? She’s the tative, than doubled by spirited management. The last, of Mrzrow | One Pousp Nores.—Probable rate that a Mr. J of Clitheroe.—Prize Farce | This was too much: what could I try fashionable prima donna will charge forja entitled, “Lynch Law and Conjugal itigh ”| To burst from such a tangled tether ? song in the near future

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Ls [Arai 4, 189], | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. APRIL FOOLS.

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189], —— Aran. 4, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 167 OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY! Hmancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman loquitur :— Yesn, Hanzy Lawenun mosh entirely righ’ ! WursipsH mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh’ undaysh. Fanshied I saw snakesb. But makesh ish pisen ! Bo , too— Leastwaysh, so WILFaipsH Lawson and hish crew Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash’ral Museum, Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee’em! All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twirls, and twiddles ; Tails like long corkscrewsh, in their;mi ; Big headeh, and bony bod — fall eee Fancy sush things living in Irish \ ’ Like animalou—what’s it ? in—Ase—water | No matter! I’ve sworn offsh! Potty, my daughter, Made me Good Tem ! No more horrorsh now ! To Heaven’s broad blue vault I lift my brow, A shober Br--Bri’sh Workman! So old tsh it. He’sh a rare tub-thumper ! Itsh Easter Shunda p and Tome net tig Bri'sh Workman—Nash’ral Museum! Thatsh or’righ’. Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed ginger-beer Gassysh—go i’ my head an’ makesh me queer ! ag a ae i trai’ on, the plishman sa’ oor. Doorsh blesshed wide, — these ere bi With bitsh o’ stone and beedlesh ee a hoch faces ! Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bod i useum—Nash—/ic—ral Hishtory ! Look at’em!! Oh, hersh a meters | PottrsH,—whereare yer ? Where’sh that blesshed bottle? I’vesh got a peck o’ March dust down my throttle. Give ush that gin—ger beersh, o’ course, I mean. Look, Potty !—shee that creature long and lean, Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it With thish ’ere Bri’s’h Museum! Wai’ a minute! Where am 1? Whersh tha’ girl? Can’t read this lingo! “Mega——” It moves! Got’em again, by Jingo!!! The Jecturer, ) \\.\ NM \\\ AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON. (At the Natural History Museum.) Visitor, ‘‘Hutiwo! I say, I’ve cor ‘em agin! Gr me THE Bive Risnon!” LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. March 10.—It has come™at last, and 1’m free to confess I don’t care for it half as much as I thought I should. I got the letter five daysago. Here it is:— _ 45, Main Street, raged March 4, 18—. _ Sr,—I have been in communication with quarters, and I am informed that you are looking out for a Constituency at the next General Election. We have been for some time past endeay to find a Candidate for this Borough, and should be gt hear if we may submit your name to the consideration of our Council. The political history of Billsbury must be known to you. Up to the date of the last election we have always been represented by a tive. In fact, Billsbury was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress of sound Constitutional opinion. Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the Consti- tuency the time and attention it required. Moreover, | may men- tion in strict confidence, that his conduct over the Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme alienated a considerable number of his su and the uence was that at the last election Sir Tuomas Cuvsson, the Liberal and i allegiance, i to-morrow (Thursday, March 6), and shall do myself the honour of walling upoa, you. indly let me know where and when I can see you. I glad to afford here an information. Yours y; James ToLLann, To Ricuarp B. Patrix, Esq. President Bi Dr. Johnson Buildings, Temple, E.C. you'll have « claim on the Party and mind you don’t let ’em ¢ it. Curse them, they never think of a man’s valuable services i docen't keep on seminding them himself ;” and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an hour about all he’d done for the Party, and how “the shabby beggars” had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It seems the other side manage their business much better. Next I called on Uncle Hewry in the City. He said he’d stick to his promise of paying half my expenses, but wouldn’t help me to nurse the place. However, I daresay that won't cost much Eventually wrote to Old Tortamp, and asked him to cali my Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home and told my mother. She said, ‘My coving boy, i . I knew it all along. If your would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind you have that peeuss gunting removed from the Lad kissed me an for cook to tel On Thursday Old Tortanp called. and I only addressed him as “_ What were my views on our Hours’ man? How about Vi and all kinds of other rubbish. I had to beat about & geet Goal, and answer generally, but at last I consented to Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the day. If accepted, 1 shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go through it all again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose it’s the usual way. (To be continued.) . ; E =F : The Rights of Counsel. (By a Client.) On, what are the “ rights” of the Q.C. ? The point of the question but few see. Those rights are to do What suits Aim, if not you ’ Faith! that’s the whole business in nuce / Joxin’s Larest.—'' The Sarplus will be anything bat a dry sub- ject this year, as it is owing to a steady or (probably) unsteady consumption of Drink!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL es [Apri 4, 189},

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 23.—Kaster Holidays p bogie to-morrow ; to-night last y round Karxes; Postmaster harried from both sides of House; the Contumacious Cons begins it ; -_ ments on Coroner's conduct beginning to lon accustomed references to delicate investigation in judicial circles falling turns upon PostmasTeR-GENERAL. ants to remedy = the tia Messengers’ Pack in fall cry; Rarxes pelted with newspapers, | assailed with over-weighted letters ; late at night Cameron comes up quite fresh, desiring to “* call attention to the position taken u by the ay ey ee tye paw wit regard to the Electric Call and Boy Messenger System,” just as if he = at t the moment made the via course ya er moes sort pock explains it’s the you! work the electric call mm ou press a button here, and comes a) tumbler of and p~ & another | y an unseen cab, oan clektocnpense ssed into ary hand to are withal ; fth, and you’re awakened at hor o'clock in the morning with an apology. _ a thing, you learn, went wrong with the machine, and it was the gentle- man on the next ye who ought to have been called a! hour. Gaye, Q.C., with hands folded oe sing nari to this in watching the iInetrations rapidly produced by Camznow, as he “ww ty touched the various buttons. Wenge | “ Wonderful! ” cried G Gare, Q.C.| ~ Never knew anything like it since I read Arabian Nights * What’s Rares’ loss is our Gane,” says WILFRID Must think this over during the Recess. For awhile Rarxes had ; quite forgotten whilst ry, fall- | ing into Gawr’s attitude, listened to CamERON’s oe ‘It’s only postponed, Tony,” he said, wearily, Camznow (having | accidentally touched the wrong button) being emma y carried off to bed in the middle ofa sentence ; me again to- morrow, and will begin once mare, jie giants refreshed, when oo RS EATON ae \* = \ wson, they come beck from the holidays, It’s an old story ; the House of Commons must always have its whipping-boy. Don’t know whether or Barks to remember Aygton? A dead you ’ve sat long set was made against aA he was oe driven but forth from public life. It’s generally the is fastened on. was WALPOLE, ¢ Bruce was chivied by the eabmen, and had he oat blocked publicans. The blameless Harcourt didn’t go scot free whi = out of office, Le ae SECRETARY who y your NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no ease be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be uo exception. 18 Mill A 7 "THE ¢ —

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| Seer SPheea areas ij - e+" 2 Sa eo - 2 oie ee ee | Vere ve Fe 6 FSF OU ee SS >

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Aram 4, 1891.

therscier $0 80 and so their own

bign-cless - If war valled” be ordered through sny Wine Merchant, or

will be forwarded direct *** Gold Capsules, oe dos. ** Blue ” ” * Green yy ies: ” B.O.8. is sold in ware White — 6 to the gallon), labelied aled, the quality bei moti by asmall ‘abel on cac bette. Cases charged @. per dozen, allowed for when re-

turned, and 1s, a dozen showed for empty , Viti tample # age ia

anywhere in the United King La 60m, om sonaies oF te. 6d., 4., a . Fespectively. SON & CO., LEITH, SCOTLAND, Addresses, LONDON and DARLINGTON. 1e8. (Please mention “ Punch” whem Conriage rT on orders of One Doze® 4 upwards.

docile bettie, as a sample, will be sent Agi free te any address on receipt of P.O. for 48. CHD. MATHEWS hed B, MAKT BT., BLOOMSHURY, wo.” bed by | Lespina Meacuante throughout Inpia and the Cotontes. EERINGS ston. CopENHAGEN HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur,

NEAVE? SF Otr CHAS. CAMERON, sues <a herent Tor nt FOO Dr. BARTLETT, Pb.D., F.C.4., Te fs Pe ue ane re comstituents are fer above the

EXSHAW & 60.8 ‘FINEST OLD BRANDY. Worurtaron & Co. Bi etent Street. W.

MADE WITH BOILING WATER, PPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTING, OCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK,

FOR ASTHMA &( DATURA TATULA TOR SMOKING AND INHALATION. YORY & MOORE, London, And of Chemists every where.

2 Willion Bottles filled in 1873. 18 Million » vw» 1890. Atpollinarts “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,”

“ Cosmopolitan.” Baitisu Mepicat Journat

DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS SUITS ULSTERS. 25, CONDUIT ST., W.

UNLICHT SOAP wonrutr COMPETITIONS. PRIZES "=x? £6,000. over GOMPETITIONS EACH MONTH DURING 1991. There is no clement of chance in these Competi- tions, the winning of 4 Prize Srenting ents yon the perseverance and troubie For Girls and Doge 16 last Birthday and under. PRIZES each month —6) Silver Keyless Lever Waltham Watches, value £4 4s. each. For Competitors who collect and send in tie most number (for their Hy oe azes) of that po ti on of the* * Suwciout ” Soa ror rs commencing with “Mow for the Sunteour ay of Washing,” &¢ CARD BOX COMPETITION. rhizes to all geht 17 last Birthday and upwards, IZES as month — 60 wy 4 Eaue Lever Watehes, value £4 4s. cach For A_.—— 4 sending in the Santee number of Card Kox Tops contsining the word “ scx row,” with the Names and addreases of House- wders Wao Do wor uss “ Sunticnut’’ Soar. One oar, . Card sent in. » Ay; ome aad peeve on Postcard for to ity VER 5B PORT SUNLIONS. aaa BIRKENHEAD. A Sea Bath in your own room for One Penny. STODDART'S SEA SALTS INVALUABLE FOR RHEUMATISM AND WEAK JOINTS. Established Forty Years. NKegistered Trade Mark anes in Lee, ls, 24, 7-1b., and 2:. 14-ib. Boxes ; 62. 56-1D., and 16s. 1!2-1b. Kags. oon ania for Use on each Package. Readily Solubie in Hot or Cold Water. Analysed and approve | of by Antuce B Hissste. M.D.,&0r:0 Heuvee,P.C8 Sold by Chemists, Patent Medicine Dealers, &€. Wholesale London Agents, BARCLAY & SONS, L»p., 95, Farringdon St., B.C Proprietors, A, 83. WARREN, Wholesale and Export Iraggists, 28 2 24, REDCLIFF STREET, HRISTOL.

FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATH. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the TEETH. Renders the Teeth PEAMLY WHITE. Is perfectiy harmless, and Delicious to the Taste. Is partly com: of Boney, and extracts from sweet herbs and plants Of ali Chem'ets and Perfumers Grroaghout the world. 2. 64. per bot FLOBILINE TOOTH POWDER caly, Put up in glass jars. Price ls. Prepared only by The Anglo-American Drug Company, Limited, 33, Farringdon Road, London, EC. ARIc

The’ Acaric’ sits so soft!

onthe shoul- ders and is Seostel % s so = elastic called else — a to the little giving to clip for sup- Overy possi- porting the bie strain, it drawers, is virtually impercepti- ble to the wearer, Vv oO Fer: senn ppro® The Best Present A WOMAN can give A MAN, OF ALL HOSLIERS EVERY W HEUER, Waoresste or '5, 16, & 17, Curersipe. Lowpon, B.C., and all Wholesale Hosi Segeee, ery af ang reielty in obtainias, sena al Order ae.) Jepaitment, Central Depet, ry ry 4 ane, he ‘ann KC and & pol: will matied by retu n of port LIEBIG COMPANY'S

iM.—Other and inferior mab WEBS ore now being sold. eos. os

!

LADD and Meer has the name CARM'S stamped on ON in gurer yard. Ask tor CAKE one Y Sfaurse LAD = H.; - and eco

FRY’'S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE COCOA “1 consider it a very rich, delicious Cocoa.”—W. H. B. STANLEY, M.D. TO CURE ALL HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HEADACHE, USE HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Tested in many of the severest cases, and always proved effectual. They contain no opium, bromides, or narcotics, and the highest medical authorities have pro- nounced them harmless, Thousands now attest their value, and none need suffer from headache. A TRIAL WILL CONVINCE. Bee that you get HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Your own Chemist, and all the Wholesale He uses. Price ls, 44, por box, Post Free from J. K. MATTERSON, CHEMIST, 108, NEW OXFORD ST., LONDON, HORSE CLOTHING AND RUGS. na * Perfect 1¢ Ali Wool re beh Bp pact free) to the Wrernon lothing. | “,

wasters . London Agency for Ber eley Street, Piccadilly, W

“XXX” BARREL PENS, BALL-POINTED.

| Made of the finest steel, beautifull glide over the paper like a lee In One Shilling Boxes. Of all Stationers, or ORMISTON & GLASS, 17, St. Bride St., E.C. DINNEFORD’S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of rus STUMACH, MEAMTHUMS, BEAVACHE, GOUT, and INDIGKETION, Bold throughout the World. finished, and pencil

T'S NEW STATES EVOLVER rae E RIFLES,

PEOPLE eben t,t AL LL Ff PPh! TR COAL”: TAR’. O/state

“SOAP

Page 228

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Apam 4, 1891.

|

GOLD MEDAL, ‘Health Exhibi London ; 1“ AWARD The Limect anys —* Would be ae simila ed with great ease.” The London Meli- eal Record aays :— “Is ts retuned when all other foods are re jected.” EETAIL 18 TINS, is, C4, Oe C4, Ge, and 10s, of Chemists, &c., everywhere, WHOLESALE OF ALL WHOLESALE HOUSES. EA a | |

Za eo? “sé ” DRINK, PUPPY, DRINK! A Study from Life. The Water Trough represented is one of those supplied by the Proprietors of Hudson's Soap to Shopkeepers, with« request that they may be placed on the pavement during the Summer Months, for Thirsty Dogs. ** The Luxury of Pure Sweet Linen.” The Family Wash of a large or small Hourchold can be quickly done with ease and economy by using HUDSON'S EXTRACT OF SOAP. Hudson's makes clothes whits as snow ; sweet as roves; fresh as sea breezes. HUDSUN’S EXTRACT OF SOAP is a a fect hard-water soap, 8 oold-was soap, & soft-water soap, a hot-water soap. Dirt cennot exist where ti.is wonderful cleanser is used for all Domestic Washing, Cleansing, and Scouring. The Sweet, Healthiest Homes are those where HUDSON’S EXTRACT OF SOAP is in daily use. Sold in 4-lb. packets, in dozens and half ozens, for family use.

PIANOFORTE MAKERS TO i Ru. THE PRINCESS OF WALES. _ Oatimsmead oO ianos “THE PERFECTION OF TOUCH AND TONE” Lists Free, and of the principal Music Sellers <— throughout the World. << JOHN BRINSMEAD & SONS, 18, 20, and 22, Wigmore Street, beds

_CADBURY'S COCOASABSOLUTELY PURE, innerore BEST| **The name Cadbury on any packet of Cocoa or Chocolate is a guarantee of purity. Bey Annual,

Printed Stuart Smith, of No. 9, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Midé) the P Oftces Bradbery, Acnew, & 00, si Elathand Stsect to the Piccioes of Welnenien eet the Gity of Londen, and Published by him At Bo. 8, Fleet Suset, im ihe Parish of BL bride’ Gtr of London sbarvanes, april 410k.

Page 229

i i ATE um i@ a a oS My ms—& finer os, oy lous te as F, C. BURNAND'S QUITE “ The illustrations perfectly accord with the humours of the author."—Saturday Review. a een VERY MUCH RATHER HAPPY ILLUSTRATED. ABROAD. AT SEA. AT HOME. THOUCHTS. w TY ty Ze™ 160 Illustrations. 16 Mlastretions. 108 Illustrations, 110 “Tustrations. i = |e ie Se ie i LU Sa me we Reel tll N®* 2596. VOLUME ONE HUNDRED —~— APRIL 11, WAS h¢ . EY Fil - % ep Ae PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. AND SOLD BY All. BOOKSELLERS. rys Cocoa ABSOLUTELY PURE therefore BEST "SON3d 33UHL 301d

Page 230

LONDON LIFE ASSOCIATION. momen 186 ASSURANC af rox, YOUR MILLIONS. MUTUAL ASSURANCE AT LEAST COST. No. 81, King William Street, E.C. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, 7 Millions Stg. FOR PROTECTION LININLSIANI ? EDINBURGH, 8 George 8t. (Head Office) LONDON, 68 King William Street, B.C. oo 8 Pall Mall East, 6.W. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies in India & tha Colonies SAVE 30 PER CENT, and BUY your SHIRTS and COLLARS ¢4irect from Ireland, the Home of Linen Manufactare GAVE Money, Timo, and Temper by wearlag TAAPFE & COLDWELL’'S colobrated ‘Por fecta”’ SHIRTS and COLLARS. Perfect in Pit. —P -rfect in Fase.—Perfectin A ppear anee.—Th © are made fe = ot durable Lovg cloth and Pure toh I en.in all sizes, or to special ma-ure or patiern, ar Saae aving of 30 per cent. is cftncted by Busing lireet from the Manuwfacturer-. A Sample hit ot P ee Free for 6s. 64d. equal to tone sualiy sold Sema size of Collar and Cheat Measure Fou air sh Linen ( elle sls Od, 20. Od , extra quality, 94. per half dor, . Pc yt Free. Oxo Suinr kee Fr rrep with New Linen Fronts 4 Neckb + 3d and 2 Od, Post Pree. TAAPFE & COLDWELL. Shirt Tailors, CAUTION — Other and inferior makes of WOVEN LADDER WEBS are now be ing.00 id. The Onromas and Keer has the name CARR'S stamped on ONE cross strap © ard ‘ash STAMPED Lab! ye wi ER, and see that the name i+ there. FEED YOUR CHILDRe; D® RIDGES PATENT COOKED FOOD PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Aram 11, 1891. CHOCOLAT har ee MENIER. | /GRAND_ HOT FOR BREAKFAST. LONDON, FINEST SITUATION EVERY LUXURY us COMFORT AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. | MOST RéCHEROg CUISINE. Daity Consumption, 50 Tons. — awe —— en TARIFF, SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. MAPPIN & WEBB'S TABLE KNIVES. BUTTER Stor AER aon Lanedt. Ww Darin, at once for the yA VER ) wew spring Parrerns, | SUDA VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. | Reyne couias—Por aun . SPECIALLY GOOD MEDIUM fort: Sent POST FREE on Approval. Nuda Veritas—Naked Truth. on Silk, Satin, Gauze, Lincrus sta, Woot. 5j For 26 yrars it hes Glass, Tapestry, Cards, Leather, &ec., te never failed to rapidly » “ restore grey oF BENZINE COLLAS. —Ask for “ Collag CLrAN3 GLOV Bs —-CLBAXS | /RESSEA hair, either in youth or age. REMOVES TAK, OIL, PAINT, Ghiae 38 asvests filling, FYROM FURNITURE, CLO TH, be causes luxuriant growth, is permanent, BENZINE COLLAS.—F or AR is bs and perfectly barm- A SPECIALLY GUOD MEDIUM! less. On Silk. Satin, Gauze, Lincrus'a, Wot In Cases, 100. 64.; of Giass, Tapestry, Cards, Leather, ae, & Chemists Circulars oa BENZINE COLLAS.—Try “ World-renowned CROSS-WARP SERGES. Woven te in Double Threads both ways of the Cam, appl.cation. See the word (OLLAS on the “ide ui from rere. Some eh - Wholesale Agents: R. HOVENDEN & SONS, Xztra refined, , pearly ofeur urless Hard W Combined pce, ¥ “ r y ; im usin comin, uite ocourless Any Length Ce Cut, po matter how short.—Any article | “= 0. S.2. ont 0, Coe Beat, ES s «8 not approved of exchanged within Seven Days. — | Cubeds, Stramonium, and | BENZINE COLLAS,—Ask for “Cols yah me op er wassentes to be equal to sampie.— | ’ Cannad.Ind. Alwaysrelieve, | Preparation and take no other sge Paid on all Orders to any Kailway “tation SAVAR $ and frequently cure Asthma, every where, 64., ls ‘le oe ‘ in Grea\ britain, - wh to ae > - Limerick, 7 Throat Cough, Bronchitis, Agents: J. Bsnorn & Bons ‘0. Oxford burt Influenza, One Cigarette — HY. PEASE & C0.’S SUCCESSORS, CO Sst Tond =H err a. TREET Fulidirecuons Al ondor e — if N a ee = —_— - _| CIGARETTES. Savaresse’s Sandal Wood Oi) Capsules, 4+. 6d. per Box | RANSOMES’ |—————— “a BEDFORD At ths dance et LOHSE’S MAIGLOCKCHENG LRA KES) FLORILINE Windsor, Her Maje = LILY OF THE VALLEY = | FOR THE TEETH AND BREATE cess Victoria of Lawn Mower LAWN MOWERS) EST in the WORLD. | oh wag and H ety PERFUME “New TOMATO ain ToMaTom,” - t sire nse Pa po eo TOILET SOAP @ | ts tre west tiquip vente in the World. every requirement. All Machines sent on « Month's Free Trial and Carriage Paid. Supplied by all Ironmongers. RANSOMES, sts a je? 7 E2i29, Lé. Ipswich, are the most fashionable in the Sold by all Ingh class Jerfumers. GUSTAV LOHSE, Beatin. Prevents the decay of the TEETH. Renders the Tecth PEARLY WHlTe Is perfectly hirmiess, and Delicious to the Taste. Is partiy composed of Honey, «¢ an from sweet he 0 aoa ants STREETER & COMP.’S SPECIALITIES, | “*==22#===— FLOBILINE TOOTH ey s0l7 Put up in glass jars. Price D!AMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES | of the pigeon’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and D!AMONDS of all colours. STREETER & COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St., London.

Page 231

Arai 11, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

= MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. No, XVI.—GERMFOOD. (By Many Monauuy, Author of “‘ Ginbitters |” “ Ardart,” de., de.) [The MS. of this remarkable novel was tied round with scarlet ribbons, and arrived in a case which had been once used for the packing of bottles of rum, or some other potent spirit. It is dedicated in highly uncomplimentary terms to “ Messieurs les Marronneurs glacés de Paris.”” With it came a moet extraordinary letter, from which we make, without permission, the following startling extracts. “ Ha! Ha! likewise Fe Fo Fum. I smeil blood, galloping, panting, whirling, hurling, throbbing, blood, My brain js on fire, my pen is a flaeh of lightning. I see stars, three stars, that is to say, one of the best brands plucked from the burning. I’m going to make your flesh creep. I'll give you fits, paralytic fits, epileptic fits, and fits of hysteria, all at the same time. Havel ever been in Paris? Never. Do I know the taste of absinthe? How dare you ask me such a question? AmIawoman? Ask me another. Ugh! it’s coming, the demon is upon me. I must write three murderous volumes. I must, [I must! What was that shriek? and that? and that? Unhand me, snakes! Oh!!!!—M. M.”’) Cuarter I, I was asleep and dreaming—dreaming shattering dreams—dreams that flung me then fi me back into bed off un floor of my chamber. But I did not wake — why should 1?—it was unne- y —I1 wanted to dream —I had to dream and therefore I dreamt. I was walking home from a cheap restaurant in one of the poorer quarters of Paris. ‘Poorer quar- ters” is a nice vague term. There are many poerer quarters in a large city. This was one of them. Let that suffice to the critical pedants who clamour for accuracy and local colour. Accu- racy! pah! Shall the soaring soul of a three- volumer be restrained by the debasing fetters of a grovelling exactitude? Never! I will tell you what. If I choose, I who speak to you, mot qui vous parle, the Seine blood in = he of mu and there shall be a tide in it where no tide ever was before, close to Paris itself, the home of the Marrons Glacés, dreadfal, horrible, soul- Houd fist out of bea and tam a — pr epte il. alll iD AI glassy, staring, haunting, dreadful eyes, and the tide the tide that never was on second volume for one night only, and carry the back, back, back under bridges innumerable, back in Je ne sais quoi. Mon Dieu! ’s idiomatic French for all sprinkled out of a cayenne pepper-pot to make the local colour hot and strong. Bah! let us return to our muttons ! Cuaprer II, Waar hg bey aa! sinuous and lithe, with craw yes!! A leapantl od the Senet uel sac, as the vee sons moving with me, stopping when I stopped, galloped, turning somersaults Vy I tamned Shem. ae 5 e to me—spoke, yes, spoke, this thing of the desert—thi enteate of ym ht by over-indulgence in marrons g é curse of ma Fnaty its oo | Poppies, plucked the grave of a discarded mistress. Thou shalt write,” it said, * for it is thine to reform the world.” , even the nature of a leo rest. The beast continued— But thou shalt write in English.” Spare me!” I ventured to in issued from a side-street, a cul de ping w

| bad ladies with a severe habit of bs deepened of m i ’ y shall turn, |into—— earth, or sky, or sea, it shall turnin my there came into my life a t of my victim a fair lost god—and because he was a fair lost, the cabmen loved him t to the heart not—and he had to die, and lie in the Morgue—the Mor of Paris. Dreadful, isn’t it? Allons, mon ami, Qu’ est-ce-qu'il-y-a. murdered men and women love to dwell—and thus Y There ou, discover the Eternal Secret! And then it joved one glides before me in aérial 8 iganti ts inds was as the scent of scarlet <a ae oe “In English,” it went on, inexorably—“‘in hysterical, sad, mad, | in for Money. es always leave the dinner-table before the men. Note this, and vores tee EL ee imme. pag Se Yrench chal be than thy Eng or thou of a frissonemen thy friends shall say, ‘* Nous pres 9 — Stop!” I cried, in des ir, , fiend!—thisis toomuch!” I sprang at the monster, and seized it by the throat. Our eyes, peer- ing into each other’s, seemed to t, as by fire, the secrets hidden in our hearts. My blood itself through my veins. There was some clamorous init. Then I fell prone on the ground, and remembered eaten one marron for {came to gud sal fgel tee Adiedy sein badly , and foun e i upon me with a pompe d’estomae, oe Cuaprer III, Mr father, M. le Duo Di Srepstom, belonged to one of the oldest French families. He had many old French customs, amongst others that of brushing his bearded li my cheek. He was a stern 5 mo 98 * Mon nal Generally was, perhaps, not un- h all the circumstances of the case into consideration. Why have I mentioned him? I know not, save that even now, degraded as I am, memo- ries of better things sometimes steal over me like the solemn sound of church-bells ina cathedral . But I have done with home, with father, with pat- riotism, with claret, with py gg Bh p ures, ('a va sans dire, They talk to me of Good, and Nature. words are meaning- lees to me. Are there realities behind these words—realities that can touch the heart of a con- firmed marroneur ? Cold and pitiless, Nature sits aloft like a mathemati- cian, —_ - balance re ng the storm- — ma of this troubled world. Bah! I flin myself in her teeth. brazen itout. She quails. For, since the accu food passed my lips, the strength of a million ons is in me. I am pitiless. I laugh to think of the fool I once was in days when I fed my- on Baba au Rhum, other innocent dishes. I glance haughtily Ep. Punch.) But as like the ghost of e into the river I shall plunge a corpse with upturned face and Now I have knowledge. I am my own the = self and ted. — {Ten rhapsodical omit priest, who where should Cuarrer IV, Acarn—again—again! The moon rose, shimmering like a Marron Glacé over Paris. Oh! Paris, beauteous city of the lost. Surely in Babylon or in Nineveh, where Semiramis of old queened it over Something yellow, and spotted—something men never was such madness—madness did I say? Why? What catlike motion. No, no! Yes, did | mean? Tush! the struggle is over, and I am calm again, though my blood still hums tumultuously. The world is very evil. of Paris, the Queen of Vice, call it. It was My father died choked by a marron. I, too, am dead—I who have —I am sometimes, as I walk, my phantom shape, as on page 4, ut I am dead—dead and buried—and over md grave an the -by my fate: tombstone it is written, ‘‘ Here lies one who danced a cancan and ate marrons glacés all day. Be warned!” THE END, written this rubbish Vol. 11.

Quire ExcerriowaL TurarnicaL News,—Next Thursday at the Vaudeville, the Press and the usual Free-Admissionaries will be let

— VOL, ©, Q

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_— [Aram 11, 1891. fj 1 y Be f ‘att RAY) | tH ta ar Ti a Mi MM MMM I hie ' tigen all fi py GY if, r as MDs iff | / / j ity ai! “ The men are such as their officers make them . . . 100 officers short of its proper complement.’’— Jimes, | i, MORE KICKS THAN HALFPENCE. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL The force is 1 Volunteer Oficer, ‘‘Yus, Why sHoutp I onty ost your Kicks ror my Haurrence!” General Redtape (of the Intelligence Department, W.O.) ‘‘Waati Gorxe To Resiex!” Mery eS N S EX - VR a) : s : z MS £ = ic 3 2 S § ° é i

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a Arr 11, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 MORE KICKS THAN HALFPENCE. Volunteer Officer, loquitur : — Yzs, take back the sword! Though the Times may Tired Ty I Pwholy of w and snubs. You b find, my fine what your folly has cost ou, late Henceforth for me the calm comfort of Clubs! To lounge on a cushion and hear the balls rattle ([cloth, ’Midst eye ap by Eh. ~ ahs =, Se the field of green Is —_ than leading sham battle, In stupid conditions that rouse 7 man’s wrath. Commissions, they say, a- begging. — 1 Incapables take pont 9 ny 4 , For twenty-one years you have iy. : nicely. a genie: ey ir, And The game, ou old fossil, is not worth the candle to 5 kicks for my halfpence? The bargain’s too a wen eileen leaders sham soldiers to handle You now have to Guin datioen, Gealbenin, antl cade! The Times wisely says you should make it attractive, This Volunteer business. But that’s not your game. You're activel —s or coldly inactive We pay, an -pooh! ’Tis luego the same. We do not min od giving our time and our ma?” hype or Se floods of , OF Wasps dus honey, dae pe ey any eld oe 4 The ‘ 2 aaitigleation of camps and manwuvres” ? All right! Let us learn in a soldierlike school ; But what is the good of your Bisleys and Dovers. If the whole game resolves into playing the fool ? To pty that game and pay for it too, Sir, ’t suit me at l’m m disgusted and bored. Your kicks for my halfpence? No, no, it won’t do, Sir! And therefore, old Tapenoddle—take back the sword TO TAKE TO SEE YoUR P1gs, TRUE SENTIMENT. ‘I’m waitrne TO Mrs, Monwtaouz, Grornoiz,—rTHat PRETTY LADY You vaED HAVEN'T YOU SOME NICE MEssaGE 10 SEND HER!" “Yzs, MUMMIE; GIVE HER MY LOVE, AND SAY | NEVER LOOK AT A LITTLE BLack PIG NOW WITHOUT THINKING oF Hzr/” LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. [CONTINUED.] Mcrch 11.—I shall have to be pretty careful in my speech to the Council. Must butter up Bills am young, Gentlemen, but I of my coun like fan. How would this do? “I if I did not know that, up to the time rash and purpose of the last, clestion, £ the vote of Billsbury was always cast on the tional progress. The side of enlightenment, and Constituti foolish experiments of those who sought to , — the — fabric of our laws and our Constitution f no fayour in illsbury. It was not your fault, I know, that this state of things has not been maintained, and that Bills — of aaa is now t Member for B g under the heavy ee ten Blebeey one a ® politleal Sekt fight, and it cd ia besunee hie his political ovinions are pegs > dy that you have &c. Must throw in a oneming about AD. being im trae > dents of working- Cuvssow is not an Eight Hours’ man, so I egn ooo ng yew, What shall T way next next? Church and State, of course peaiied and contented, glorious oa & vernment, stead ea at of all | triumphs of” our dip! all parts of say a word for Li about thirty of them, all very sory of the boy and the plum-cake Primrose mi at C me-cake. Te grievances, an e nl Shall have to wral-Unionists. — says there are Must try to work in the made them scream at the ages of present and eeting rowdale, By the way, Uncle Hewnry said, ‘‘ What about the Bar?” I told him I meant to keep on working at it—which won’t be nage Be I Men tas Judge in Chambers, all last on ore a Ju after my call. Sleepy. To bed. I got just two Statements of Claim, year, the third year March 12,‘* George Hotel,” Billsbury.—Left London by 2'15 to-day, ind got to Billsbury at 5°30. ToLLawp met me at a ation with C a dozen other “leaders of the Party.” One was Colonel HORKLE, a Volunteer Colonel; another was Alderman Morrart, @ with a say ead dialect. Then there was Jenna, the Editor of the Bills wo porters, who carried my bag and , a shilling each. The loked knowing, but old Tottanp had hated ted that the other side had got a character for meanness of which we could take a perfeotly prover advan without in any way ng the Corrupt ractices Act. Must look up that "act. It may be a help. From the station we went t to the “G There I was intro- duced to half a dozen more leaders of the Party. Can’t remember one of them except Brissor, the Secretary o ‘the Association, a chap about my own age, who told me his brother remembered me at Oxford. There was a fellow of that name, I think, who came up in my year, a scrubby-faced reading man. We ‘made hay in his room after a Torpid “* rag,” which he didn’t like. Hope it isn’t the same. I said I remembered him well. Dined with jog od aes but leaders of the Party present, as serious jud of importance. CHorx iE, who d his *‘h’s” fright at me *’ow long it would be afore a General Elec- tion ” and seemed rather surprised when I said I had no information on the matter. The meeting of the Council came off in the large hall of the Bills- bury Beaconsfield Club. Tortanp was in the chair, and made o long speech in introducing me. I didn’t take in s wend of it, as I was repeating my peroration to myself all the time. hy soos speech went off pretty well, —_ oat I got mixed up in the middle, and forgot that b blessed However, when I got into the buttering part, it took them i. storm. I warmed old Graperons up to-rights, and asked them to contrast the state of England now with what it was when he was in power. ‘* Hyperion to a Satyr,” I said. Colonel Cuorxie, in proposing afterwards that I was a fit and proper person to represent Billsbury, said, ** Mr. Li be able and con- vincing speech proves ’im not only a master of 4 -F but a con- summate orator, Mible to wield the pomp! ” (why he put - "a there I don’t know “of wit and sarcasm like a master, J’m not iven to boasting,” he continued. ‘‘ J never indulge in badinage ”’ foaery, braggadocio f) ; ** — with such a Candidate, we must win. zanam seconded the resolution, which was was carried nem. con, Must get local n agoanens, to show to mother. She'll like that, Shall go back to to-morrow. “Portwientty” y. So-catuan “ Novergewta Cawronr.” — Change of Author’s name. Mr, Faeperic Hakuison to be known in future as “ Faepenic Haznasin’ Know ns.” (Signed) — Spltipx.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Arrm 11, 1891, MPR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. (Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.’s Own Harmless Ibsenite.) Il.—NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVOIT). Acr IL No. The Room, with the cheap Art-furniture as before—except that the ; candles on the Christmas-tree have guttered down and appear to have been lately blown out. The cotton-wool frogs and the chenille monkeys are disarranged, and there are oalhing things on the sofa. ona alone. Nora (putting on a cloak and ing st off again). Bother Kroc- stap! ere, | won’t think of him. I'll only think of the costume ball at Consul Srzwnore’s, over-head, to-night, where I am to dance the Tarantella all alone, dressed as a Capri er-girl. It struck Torva.p that, as I am a matron with three children, my perf might amuse the Consul’s guests, and, at the same time, increase his connection at the Bank. TorvaLp # so i (To Mrs. Luspen, who comes in with a large c Ah, Curistriva, so you have brought in my old costume ? ind, as my husband’s new Cashier, just doing up the . Mrs. L. Not at all—is it not part of my sey! Don't you think, Nora, that you see a little too much of Dr. Rawx Nora. Oh, 1 couldn’t see too much of Dr. Rawk! He @& so amusing—always talki about his complaints, and , and all sorts of indescribably funny | things. Go away now, dear; { hear TorvALp, (Mrs. Linpenw goes. Enter Ton- VALD from the Manager’s room, Nora runs trippingly to him. Nora (coazing). Oh, Torvaxp, if only you won't dismiss Kroe- STAD, you can’t think how your little lark would jump about and twitter | Helmer. The inducement would be stronger but for the fact that, as it is, the little lark is generally engaged in that j oecu- pation. And I really must get rid of Kroestap. If I didn’t, people would say I was under the thumb of my little squirrel here, and then Kroestap and I knew each other in early youth; and when two peo- ple knew each other in early youth —(a short pause)—h'’m! ides, he will address me as, “I say, TorvaLp”—which causes me most painful emotion! He is tactless, dishonest, familiar, and morally ruined —altogether not at all the kind of person to be a Cashier in a Bank like mine. pers,—he is on the staff of Wi “ A poor fellow with both feet in Nora. But he writes in scurrilous pa the Norwegian Punch. If you dismiss him, he may write nasty things about you, as wicked did about poor dear Papa! Helmer. Your poor dear ph was not impeceable—far from it. I am—which makes all the difference. I have here a letter giving Kroersap the sack. One of the conveniences of living close to the Bank is, that I can use the housemaids as Bank-messengers. ae to door and calls.) Etten! (Enter parlourmaid.) Take that letter —there isno answer. (ELLEN takes it and goes.) That’s settled so now, Nora, as | am going to my private room, it will be a capital opportunity for you to the tambourine—thump away, little lark, the doors are double! Yee to her and goes in, shutting door, _Nora (stroking her face). How am I to get out of this mess! (4 ring at the Visitors’ bell.) Dr. Rawx’s ring! He shall help me out of it! (Dr. Rawx appears in doorway, hanging up his great-coat.) Dear Dr. Rawx, how are you? "Fakes both hie hands. Rank (sitting down near the stove), I am a miserable, hypochon- driacal wretch—that’s what Jam. And why am I doomed to be dismal? Why? Because my father died of a fit of the blues! Js that fair—1 put it to you ? Nora. Do try to be fannier than that! See, I will show the flesh-coloured silk tights that I am to wear to-night—it will cheer you up. But you must only look at the — ar ou may look * the -_ + a. "re good. Aren't they lovely ? if they rf me, o you think ? Rank (gloomily). A fellow with both feet in the grave is not the best authority on the fit of silk stockings. I shall be food for worms before long—I know I shall! Nora, You musta’t really be so frivolous! Take that! (She hits lormance | on the fit of silk stockings.’’ him lightly on the ear with the stockings; then hums a little.) | want you to do me a great service, Dr. Rawx. (Rolling up stock. ings.) I always liked ‘you. I love Torvatp most, of course—but, somehow, I’d rather spend my time with you—you are so amusing! Rank. If | am, can’t you guess why? (A short silence.) Because love you! Yo. ‘an’t pretend you didn’t know it! Nora. Perhaps not—but it was really too el of you to mention it just as | was about to ask a favour of you! It was in the worst taste! (With dignity.) You must not imagine because | joke with you about silk stockings, and tell you things I never tell Torvacn, that I am therefore without the most delicate and scrupulous self- respect! I am really quite a little doll, Dr. Rawx, and now— (sits in rocking-chair and smiles)—now I shan’t ask you what I was going to! LLEN comes in with a card, Nora (terrified). Oh, my goodness! [Puts it in her pocket, Dr. Rank. Excuse my easy Norwegian pleasantry—but—h’m— anything disagreeable up? . Jora (to herself). Kroaetap’scard! I must tell another whopper! (To Rawx.) No, nothing, only—only my new I want to try it on here. I always do try on my dresses in the drawing-room Tapeh ang you know. So go into Torvatp and amuse him til] ’m y- (Rank goes into Hetmer’s room, and Nora bolts the door upon him, as Knoastap enters from hall in ot Ag cap. Krogs. Well, I’ve got the sack, and so I came to see how you are getting on. I mayn’t be a nice man, but— (with feelszng)—I havea heart! And, as I don’t intend to ive up the forged 1.0.U. unless *m taken back, I was afraid you might be contemplating suicide, or something of that kind ; and so I called to tell you that, if I were you, I wouldn’t. Bad thing for the complexion, suicide, and silly, too, because it wouldn’t mend matters in the least. (Kind/y.) You must not take this affair too seriously Mrs. Hetmer. Get your husban to settle it amicabl ag kes me back as Cashier ; then I shall soon get the whip-hand of Aim, and we shall all be as pleasant and com- fortable as possible together ! Nora. Not even that —— can tempt me! Besides, Torvatp wouldn’t have you back at any | vies ong ll right, th Ih rogs. en. ave etter, telling our husband * all. I will take the liberty of droppi if it in the letter-box at your hall-door as I go out. I'll wish you evening {He goes out ; presently the dull sound of a thick letter dropping into a wire box is heard. | Nora (softly, and hoarsely). He's done it! How am I to prevent Torys Lv from seeing it ? é | Helmer (inside the door, rattling). Hasn’t my lark changed its dress yet? (Nora unbolts door.) at—so you are not in fancy |costume, after all? (Enters with Ranx.) Are there any letters for | me in the box there ? | Nora (voicelessly). None—not even a postcard! Oh, Torvatp, |don’t, please, go and lock—promise me you won't! I do assure |you there isn’t a letter! And I’ve forgotten the Tarantella you taught me—do let ’s run over it. I’m so afraid of breaking down— promise me not to look at the letter-box. I can’t dance unless the grave is not the best authority you do. |" Helmer (standing still, on his way to the letter-boz), I am @ man of strict business habits, and some powers of observation ; my little | squirrel’s assurances that there is nothing in box, combined with her obvious anxiety that I should not go and see for myself, satisfy me that it is indeed empty, in spite of the fact that I have not in- variably found her a strictly truthful little dicky-bird. There— there. (Sits down to piano.) away on your tambourire, little squirrel— dance away, my own lark! ‘ Nora (dancing, with a long gay shawl), Just won't the little |squirrel! Faster—faster! Oh, I do feel so gay! We will have | some champagne for dinner, won’t we, TorvaLp ? | Dances with more and more abandonment. | Helmer (after odes Srequent remarks in correction). Come, come—not this awful wildness! I don’t like to see quite such a lerey Witt lork as this yy Realig % & tese you stouges | : | Nora (her hair coming down as she dances more wildly still, and | swings the tambourine), I can’t... I can’t! (To herself, as she

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secon S§SSseneeées* 8 SES TD OU OU Se eee

Apa 11, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 173

) I’ve onl irty-one hours left to be a bird in; and after dancet.) uddering) after that, KnooetaD will let the cat out of the bag! .B.—The final A __eratatning ing scenes of thrilling seactia, worked at withe masterly insight and command of psycho- logy, the with a new and original unavoidably postponed to a future number. No money returned. whole to conel [ Curtain. and realisti dénotiment —

TAKING THE CENSUS. (A Story of the 6th I have but o limited in the Temple, dept on the evening of the Sth of J il at Burmah PX ppointed Enumerator sidered it right and

like, a ed the ews Ww by the “ Appoin “Mr, Brreriess.” But I need scarcely say that I took infinite painsi to fill in my jand end accurately. I have great with the ‘* Census (Eng’ Wales) Act, 1890,” and so far as I was peeery concerned, to out its object to the extent attainable. I had no diffi- culty a sion or ocew carried out the intentions of the statute by describing myself Is making the ather exlolon: I bed ce set diiioclign The epmeei n making the other en’ no grea 7 I caused me some surprise. I had pe imagined (and they have given me their faithful and valuable ser- vices 1am glad to say for a long time) that the years in which the my domestics, however, were born varied. But no, I was of the same age—two-and-twenty. household—I described my son, SHALLOw NortH Brrercess (the first Torensic celebrity, and the second an appro- is an old family name of priate compliment to a di whose courtesy to the Junior Bar‘is proverbial) as a ‘‘ scholar,” but te ef bie ot i + align AS ion of his brother (one of my younger sons, Gzoncr Lewis Vaw x Bureviese—T' selected his Christian rejected his (SHALLOW’s) su romp Cuester More Bortow names in anticipated recognition of be conferred on him in after-life) birth,” as frivolous, untrue, and even libellous. We had but one In the early morning of Monday we found in who had evidently onmed untoward incident. our area a a! person dition of helpless intoxication. As er explanation of her I handed her over to the police. entered her on the Census Paper as, "a supposed retired laundress, Be Sir” beady flr looking through the document mi ’ rn at; “bat you see there is a fine of the penalty has rendered abso- at doubly anxious to t inserting myjown ‘name and surname,” and ‘‘ profes- tion.”’ I rather hesita’ as an “‘ employer,” beeause the * examp rather suggested that domestic servants were not to count, and the rest my share in the time of Portrnerton, to say the | is rather helene. For instance, I could hardly fairly suggest t in regard to the services of my excellent and irable as great an employer of labour as, say, the head of a firm of railway contractors, or the ma director of a cosmopolitan hotel com- pany. Then, although i am distinct) of April, 1891.)

however, to describe myself of the mode of ~y ” or erk, I am of opinion that I right othe opposite view of the question. wrong. I found To refer to another were of my member of the judicial Bench, E al favours to e words “imbecile from his the _ there in a con- : Z a fiver for wilfully

¥ f : would be «« Put 'jetired” after Barrister-at-Law "To no harm 1” and be . . . a . . I silentl intimated by a dignified gesture to the ‘A ted Enu- merator t our interview was at an end, and then, my walk- ing-stick with me, went in earnest and diligent search of " the young chap who does the boots |” (Signed) A. Bareriess, ioc, Pump-Handle Court, April 7, 1891.

“UP, GUARDS, AND ACT ’EM!” Tux “them” in this ada uotation must be taken to * Burlesques ;” and if Prempro: thearted eoatinns their histrionics as victoriously as they have done w to now, they will become celebrated as ‘ Grinny-diers-and-Burlesque-|ine- Dasinvests. © Private McGanvy, ase , Bre re! ~« ; AGGIBONE

Savite CLarxe,—the Savilians among the —were charming. Lieutenant Nugent is an old hand at this, and his Pau! Prior was not a whit behind his former There’s one more Guard 0, Major Ricanpo, He wr Crusoe, And well did he do so! Three for everybody ith the Guards’ Burlesque, we fear no foe. Chorus, Gen , if you"please, ‘‘ We fear no foe!”

THE OLD (CRICKETING) '088 AND THE YOUNG (GLOUCESTER) COLTS, Fiery, not out! A start beyond doubt, In a Twenty-four field, Doctor W. G. And may Ninety-one bring us lots of good fun, With you at the Wickets for Figures of Three, To see the Old ’Oss stir in good time to foster The coming-on ‘‘ Colts,” should give courage to Glo’ster !

‘* Such a Dawg!” Tux enclosed was cut from The Field of last week :— R —— —— WANTS some friend to give him a small BULLDOG with a « smile, for a house pet.—To be sent for inspection to, &e. It is to be hoped that the advertiser will not get an animal that (to quote from Hamlet) *‘ may smile and smile and be a villain!”

Ignotus. Prats not about Fame! I’ve addressed half the world, In Court and in , in Castle and slum ! I’ve been warbled, and c and tootled, and skirled, Yet, for kudos, | might just as well have been dumb. Though familiar to all men, I’m wholly unknown ; You’re inelined to pooh-pooh, and to say I am wrong / Nay, listen, and you my correctness will own : Tis 1 wrote the wor of a Popular Song !

New anv Inrenesttnc Worx.—As a companion to Dr. Watont’s The Ice Ages in North America and its bearing upon the Antiquity of Man, will shortly appear The Penny-Ice Age in London and its bearing on the Youth of the Metropole.

A Brummagem Bolus, (By an elate Liberal- Unionist.) Aw “‘ill-starred abortion ” We christened our party ; At present, as Jox hints, that sounds quite ironic. True, lately our health did far from hearty, But Aston has acted As- |

—How can any of us expect the truth from a — — tells us thet he merely “‘ transerthes from historian } MBS. lying before him!” Waar rae Irae Seem To Wawt 1» Lovistawa.—An unfair

field, or no Fava!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —— {Aram 11, 189], Sn, Fair Damsel (to Our Artist, who is explaining the beauties of his Picture). ‘‘ Coanmine |! PICTURE SUNDAY. (What Our Artist has to put up with.) Caarminc! Bort, on, Mr. FirzMapper, WHAT A DaLiguTrUL Room THIS WOULD BES For A Dancs,—with Taz MUusicIANS IN THE GALLERY, AND ALL THE Easgis AyD Picrures An» THINGS CLEARED away!” A FAIR EXCHANGE. Hosea Bictow speaks up on the situation : — Hrne we stan’ on the Constitution, by thunder! State rights won't be hurried by any one's oots ; Umperto, old hoss, would you like, I wonder, To 'pologise first, and then bring up yer proofs ? Uncle Sam is free, and he sez, sez he :— ** The Mafia’s no more Right to come to this shore, No more’n the Molly Maguires,” sez he, Uncle Sam ain't no kind o’ bisness with nothin’ Like stabs in the back,—that may do for slaves. We ain't none riled by their frettin’ an’ frothin’ Who shriek, in Hitalian, across the waves. Uncle Sa™ is free, but he sez, sez he :— ** He will put down his foot On the right to shoot As claimed by the Mafia gang!” sez he. Freedom's keystone is Law, yes; that there’s no doubt on, It’s sutthin that’s—wha’ d’ye call it ?— divine, — The brutes who break it hain’t nutthin’ to boast on _On your side or mine o’ the seethin’ brine. Unele Sam is free, and he sez, sez he :— ** If assassins gang ’em I'm e to hang ’em, An’ so git rid on ’em soon,” sez he, ’Tis well for sleek cits for to lounge on their soffies, And chat about ‘‘ Law and Order,” an’ sich. A formula pleasant for them in office, Home-stayin’ idlers, well-guarded rich. Uncle Sam is free, but he sez, sez he: — ** Whar life’s a fight, Law, based on rig t, May need the ‘strong arm’ of a Man,” sez he. Now don’t go to say I’m the friend of force ; Best keep all your spare breath for coolin’ your broth ; And when just Law has a fair clar course, = = of ‘wild justice” is frenzy and roth. Unele 8am is free, but he sez, sez he :— ** If he gits within hail Of the Glan-na-Gael,, Or the Mafia either, he shoots,” sez he. This ain’t no matter for sauce or swagger — *~ summary judgment both scout, I Though I dagger, in’ I prefer th can’t help sayin’ I prefer the rope. Unele Sam is free, and he sez, sez he :— ** At a pinch I’1l not flinch From a touch of Lynch,— That is—at a very Aard pinch!” sez he. Bat Lynch Law, Umsenro, or Seeret Society, Both are bad, though the latter’s wust ; We'll soon get shut of either variety, You and me, Umperto, or so I trust. Unele Sam is free, but he sez, sez he :— of it’s a chice betwixt rope and ** Assassination Won't build a nation, Nor yet the unlegalised rope,” sez he. Withdraw your Ambassador! Wal, that air summary | : Italian irons so soon git hot ! Ironclads? Sure that’s mere militant flam- mery. Don’t want to rile, but Ill tell you what: Uncle Sam is free, but he sez, sez he :— ** Let Fava stay, Take the Mafia away, And we’ll call it aright square deal!” sez he. Parsenten at Covrt.—Acting upon the suggestions made in these columns a week ago, the Author of The Volcano, and the company of the Court Theatre have effected the most valuable alterations in the play of the evening. The Me ge Act — Te Wh = = — rup’ singing 0 olf, which brings | sown Se Pesta i —_ a a laughter, - the Thi ct is also y improvea. Mrs. Joun Woop is seen at her best as the interviewing ely jeune, which is con- densing in a sentence a volume of praise. Mr. Artuur Czctt, as the Duke, is equally admirable; and Mr. Wrxepon GaossMITH, 5 > scarcely in his element as a Member of Parliament of neble birth, is distinctly | amusing. Al , The Volcano causes €x- | plosions of merriment in all parts of the house, | and has entirely escaped the once-imp danger of fizzling out like a damp squib. —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON COHARIVARL—Arnu. 11, 1891, = Yj yy! / A FAIR EXCHANGE. Uxctz Sau, “SEE HERE, UMBERTO!—GIVE US BACK YOUR ‘MINISTER’ AND TAKE AWAY THAT DARN'’D ‘MAFIA, AND WE'LL CALL IT A SQUARE DEAL!” SS

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Apamt 11, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 177 | A COMPLAINT OF THE CENSUS. (By a Disappointed Duke.) [For the first time the sixth column in the Census Schedule is simply headed “ Profession or Occu- pation. “7 Ou! I’m a reg’lar rightdown Dake: The trying = I act and look Right nobly, so they tell m». Yet I would have you Why I am tho At what of late befell me. | A week or something less ago, A schedule came to let me Bo pop y e man one Must be filled in, and then they’d call To fetch it on the Monday. I found it easy to contrive To answer columns one to five— I filled them up discreetly ; But when I came to column six I got into an awful fix, And lost my head completely. | For **Rank ” alas! had di I’d never for an instant f It wouldn’t really be there. Your ‘‘ Occupation” you could state, ‘* Profession,” too, you might relate, But I-a Duke— neither ! His Grace the Duke of Piaza-Tor’ Would call himself, I’m pretty sure, A “public entertainer. But I and my blue-blooded wife, We lead a simple blameless life, No life could well be plainer. In such a plight what could I do ? I searched the paper and through, Each paragraph I read, You'll On their own means” had got to give This statement in the schedule Will please remember when I say I thought it in a minor way Unkind of Mr, Rrrcuts! MICKY FREE IN PARIS, _ As to the incident which recently appeared in the papers under the head-line % Insulting an Ambassador,” our old friend Micky writes us as follows:—‘‘ Be jabers then, ye must know the truth. Me Count MunsTER was drivin’ together. The Count’s every bit a true-born son of Ould Ireland for ever, and | descended from the Kings of Munster by | sides, and more betoken wasn’t he wearin’ an Ulster at the very moment, and isn’t he the of chums with the Dukes of Connwavent and Lemysrer? Any way we were in our passin’ the time o’ day to one another a8 we were drivin’ in the whack ; 5 | the box, *Tunder and turf!’ says I, pre- | Paring to descend, and give the 8 | taste of my blackthorn all round. ‘ Whist | be aisy now, Micky,’ says the Ambassador to | me, in what is, betune ourselves, his own native tongue; and with that he up the loaf, sniffs at it, makes a wry i loaf,’ a ( Sa tale ee HET gorra, there was a whoop o’ delight went u all round, which same was a sign of their pure liteness, as divil a one of the ignoramuses could onderstand a wurrd the Court said in English or let alone Irish. ‘Goot,’ says Mownster to me, dropping into his German accent, which, on occasion, comes quite natural to him—the cratur! ‘I’ll give the loaf to the dog;’ and he whistles up the mastiff, own brother to Brsmance’s. ‘Eh, Micky, ye gossoon, isn’t the proverb, ‘‘ Loaf = eer oy Ss tue! Ah! —_ was cheers or 0 re and a mighty big dhrink entirely we had that same night. ** Yours as ever, M, F.” HERRICK UP TO DATE, (After ** The Bracelet to Julia.”) War tye I about thy wrist, ULIA, this my silken twist ? For what other reason is’t, But to show (tn theorie) Thou sweet captive art to me; Which, of course, is ddlededee ! Runne and aske the He will tell tis ure fudge ; en thou willest, thou mayst trudge; I’m thy dslave, : ; and fact ; Thou art free in will and act; ’Tis but silke that bindeth thee, Snap the thread, and thou art free: But ’tis otherwise with me. I am bound, and bound fast so That from thee I cannot go. Hah! bf chp have = ent, though. an must be a wing-clipp’d goose If he bows to Hymen’s noose,— Heads you winne, and tails I lose !) MAGAZINE MANNERS. Editor to Eminent Writer.— Review pro- mises to be deadly slow next month. Can you do something slashing for us? Pitch into somebody or other—you know the style. Eminent Writer to Editor.— Happy to oblige. Got old article handy advocating cession of Canada and India to the French. Never wrote anything more ripping. Pitches into everybody. Touching it up, and will let you have it in two da a bye, tele- rs ih people put a x to my Christian name. ell them not to do it again. Editor to Eminent Writer (a week later).— Sorry about the x. Got your article. Not both | quite what I wanted. Style all right, but ents idiotic. Can’t you take the other ide? Much more poreet. . : Eminent Writer to Editor.—Idea insulting. Any more telegrams of that sort, and I con- tribute in future to the Shortsprightly Review, net yours | ‘Eaitor to Eminent Writer.—No offence meant. Js there any Review besides mine? Never heard of the one you mentioned. Eminent Writer to Editor (a month later). —I say, what’s this? Virulent personal attack on me in your Review, signed with our name! Pretends my article on giving up banada, &e., the sort f hi == hoy boat ing ? of man who j a anythin Reply at once, with , — you alive in next Namber of & % Edstor to Eminent Writer.—Sorry you're | offended. I thought my Article rather a) moderate one. Quite true that I talk about | falsehood, nyneertian, een tery, demagoguss, 80 on; expressions to taken in strietl Pickwickian sense, and of course not intended for cou unsatisfactory. Y fret out teanibe. L . ou contribu- tion, and then slate it. Do you call yourself an Editor ? Editor to Eminent Writer.—Rather think I do call myself Editor, Couldn’t insert that ag - — ane panes = reply. the bye, have forgotten if you mf Christian name with or without 7? Important. Wire back. minent Writer to Editor.—Yah! Look ick nga feta icle en’ * Editori ay.” It'll give you > my name = il Frepenic, without K, ANOTHER’S! (A Once Rejected Address, ) Yes! Thou must be another's, Oh, Such anguish stands alone ! I'd always fancied thou wert so Peculiarly mine own ; No welcome doubt my soul can free ; A convict may not choose— "? since er’s thou must be, ost kindly tell me whose ? Is it the Lord of Shilling Thrills Who penned The Black that Mails— That martial man who from the hills Excogitates his tales / Is it ubiquitous A. Lana ? —- shrink not but explain To which of all the writing gang Dost properly pertain ? Perchance to some provincial churl, Who blushes quite unseen ? Perchance to some ambitious Earl Such things have’fr ee ed uc ve frequently ocourred, And gems like thee have crowned The titular and moneyed herd, And made nigh renowned. I know not, this alone is clear, Thou wert my sole delight ; I pored on thee by sunshine, dear, I dreamed of thee at night. Thou wert so good—too splendid for The common critic’s praise— And I was thy proprietor— And all the world must gaze! But Punch, that autocrat, decrees That thou another’s art : I cannot choose but bow my knees And lacerate my heart. Thou must be someone’s else, alack ! The truth remains confessed — For Mr. P. hath sent thee back, My cherished little Jest. From a Fry-Lear.— Buzziness first, plea- sure after,” as the bluebottle said when, after circling three times about the break fast-table, he alighted on a lump of sugar. SALISBURY AT 8T, MARTIN’S-LE-GRAND, How slow is fate from fatal friends to free us! Still, still, alas! ’tis “* Zgo e¢ Rarxes meus.” “Tus Oxrorp Movement.”—Not much to choose between this and the Cambridge movement in the last race. Prace or Bawisument ror Mistaken Per- sows.—The Isle of Mull.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee] [Apr 11, 189}, | a ee 4 ban atiowls Z ‘ {¥ CENSUS DAY HOW SOME WERE CAUGHT.

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| | ————— Areu 11, 1891.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 179 ——— = Earl Granville. Borx rv 1815. Drsp 3ler Mancn, 1891. Tur coarser Cyclops now combine | To push the Olympians from their places ; Ad dead as Pan seems the old line Of greater gods an graces. Pleassent, amidst the clangour crude. Of smiting hammer, sounding anvil, As bland Arcadian interlude, The courtly accents of a GRANVILLE ! A strenuous time ’s ian muse Shouts peans to the earth-born giant, Whose brows Apollo’s wreath refuse, Whose strength to Charis is unpliant. Demos distrusts the debonair, ‘ Yet Demos found himself disarming To gracious GRANVILLE; unaware . Won by the calm, witched by the charmir g. Bismarckian vigour, stern and stark As Brontes self, was not his dower ; Nt his to steer a storm-tost bark Through waves that whelm, ‘and cloucs that ek tact, Te nper unsti unerring Were his. He could not ‘* wave the banner,” But he could lend to steely act The softly silken charm of manner, Kindly, accomplished, with a wit Lambent yet bland, like summer lightning ; . a pe whose a as palpable, yet painless. ightening E’en party conflict with a touch 2 Of old-world grace fight could noé ruffle! Faith, GRANVILLE, we miss thee much Where kites and crows of faction scuffle | Ay Intsh Diamowy.—The Cork Examiner of 28th ultimo contained an official advertise- ment, signed by the High Sheriff of the County of the City of Cork, requesting certain persons connected with the Spring Assizes to attend at the Model Schools, as the Court House had been destroyed by fire. Amongst those thus politely invited > be present on so interesting an occasion were the Prisoners! PATERFAMILIAS ON HIS CENSUS PAPER. Hea of the Family! That makes me quail. I am the Head—and thereby hangs a ! This big blue paper, ruled in many a column, sives rise to some Relation to that Head? That Head’s buzz- _brained, And its “ relations” are—just now—‘‘ much strained.” rain Citizen-duty I’ve no wish to shirk, But would the State do its own dirty work— My daughters swear ’tis dirty). 1’d be gra’ Instructions? Yes! Imperative and fateful ! But, y 2, wish they would “instruct” me To tell the truth without a family row. Best of my knowledge and belief”! Ah we 7 Can Smerzanet, her age won’ t tell ; swear she’s thirty-three, And rather fancies she was an at sea roan i i now) my “knowledge and e , Are not worth much to the official chief, Baroces P, Hennrxer, if he only knew it. i rue Return? Well, if it is not true, it ie hot my fault. Inquisitorial band, mm done my level best— Witness my Hand! P bothering business makes me feel quite ‘ace nuw—for ten years more! [bilious, PaTERFAMILIAS, isgivings sad and solemn. | 4}) “FACTA NON VERBA”; OR, PIERROT IN LONDON. “* Or the best! of the very best!” as Z Crro nerpetnall rming of everything eatable and drinkable that is for his own benefit cod i pone he gn FP Reo, little bar, not a hundred miles from the Monte Carlo an eee he himself and his barris ters practise day and night; and, as this famous cutter sandwiches and confectioner o °F F A BLACK AND WHITE EXHIBITION, drinks says of his stock in trade, so say we of L’ Enfant Prodigue, which, having been translated by Horativs Coctes Szpexx from Paris to gone straight to the heart and intelligence of our Shenton devin eniee. am : is a amigos for pane oo pery ony that, just when So guile scenes of our Engi ‘antomime have been crus out ov’ ering W spectacle . re-a rin our midst a somal of the pn yy +d who tomimed himself into public favour with the Parisians towards the close of the seventeenth century. Red-hot poker, sausages, and filching Clown have had their day, and lo! when everyone said we were tired of the ‘‘ comic business” of Pantomime, here in our midst almost in their habits as they lived, certainly with their white faces and black skull-caps ‘‘as they appeared,” a pair of marvellously clever Pierrots. Mile. Jane May as Pierrot Junior, ‘’ the Prodigy son,” and M, Covrtits as Pierrot Senior, are already drawing the town to Matinées at the Prince of Wales’s, causing us to laugh at them and with them in their joys, and te with them in their mimic sorrows. Yes! Pierrot redivivus / ind you, it is not a piece for children; make no mistake about that; they will only laugh at the antics, be ignorant of the story, and be untouched by its truth and ‘ are good. We like the naughty blanchisseuse the least of the eraiere, ond w had been plus petite que ca. But is it not in nature that the prodigal (veritable boy fo Mile. Jamm Max) should fall in love with ay woman some years his and Sur Sogens Mim fo eapeiance of Go eens’ Why certainly. Then the Baron, great humour by M. Louis Govoxt, who wins the Mistress with his d inimitable Black Servant, M. Jzan Ancuett, who laughs at poor little Pierrot, cringes to his wealthy rival and successor,—are they not both admirable? As for the acting of Madame Scumrpt as Madame Pierrot, loving wife and devoted mother, it is, as it should be, “too good for words.” Her pantomimie action is so sympathetic papegnent, so—well, in fact, perfect. Who wants to hear them speak? acta non verba is motto. Yet wit — , 7 4 Black, ——, oy — the titled Baron’s name, though never a able does he utter! It is all most ex e- ba Vive Pierrot 2 Londres! We see him much the same as he was when he delighted the Parisians in 1830,—‘' Avec sa grand casaque d gros ons, son large pantalon flottant, ses souliers blancs comme le reste, son visage enfariné, sa téle couverte d'un serre-téle noir .+ le véritable Pierrot wee a naire... ses joies denfant, et ses chagrins dun effet si comique”— an 80 ic. ? ed entertainment could fo avon at night, the house would be crammed during a mi More than a word of must be given K, hand in these panto- Verb, sap. the Atheneum says, ‘a Grand Salon de Repos will be **still life” only, we suppose. Will Sir Faxspenicx, PRA, and set aside one of the rooms in Burlington House as a Dormi- I lon : but afternoon possibilities are li to fc Awpnt Woumeun’s masie which, Qameeky conducted by Mr. hand with the story written by Micnet Cann Fiza, and illustrated by mimists. No amateur of good acting should fail to see this performance. In the Salon this year. vided.” For pictures of act on the suggestion, tory ? a

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re s 180 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Apert 11, 189), OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. THE DIARY OF AN OLD JOKE. Ana! special attraction in The New Review! “ April Fool’s| (Posthumously Printed by kind Permission of Wit, Humour, & Co,, Day Poem,” by ALFrep AvsTis, and, an announcement on the cover that * Th ame contains a Picture of Miss Ertxw Txrey in one of her earliest parts.” Oh, dear! I wish it didn’t contain this icture, which is a bleared red of Mi — Texey, ‘‘as they ” (as I’m sure) in an entertainment which achieved a great success in| the provinees—but not with this red-Indian picture as a poster. | Of course it may be intended as compliment-terry; it may mean “always entertaining and ever reddy.” However, the is | naught, except as a curiosity; but the first instalment of our | ELLEN’s reminiscences is delightfully written, because given quite naturally, just as the celebrated actress herself would Sicta s—(o course she never has to “ dictate,” as her scarcely-breathed wish is a law, —to her pleasantly-tasked amanuensis. Next lot, please! In Macmillan’s for this month, Awpré Hors tells a flattering tale in recounting ‘* A Mystery of Old Gray’s Inn.” It would have come well from that}weird old clerk, te whom Mr. ick listened with ” interest the new issue of Half Hours with Jumpy Authors e Baron has just read a ae Carnie 0. Woon, at Home, Cuaries G. Woop, in the A , for this mon The Baron been there, and still would go if he could. but, as he can't, he is contented to let ‘‘ Woop go” without him. and to read the latter’s tales of a traveller. \. by Writtiam Day, is a gossipy, hn snarly sort of book ; i rather murky or grey Day-light on a considerable Celebrities who were once on the turf, and are now under it. But the Baron not being himself either on the turf or under it, supposes that this Day is an authority, as"was once upon a time, that is, only the other day, the Dey of Aterexs. But this Day is not of Algiers, but of All-gibes. Ordinarily it is true that “* Every dog has his day.”” Exceptions prove the rule, and it would appear from this book—‘‘ not the first ‘book,’ I suppose,” q e Baron, “that Mr. Day has ‘made’or assisted in ‘making,’ ’—that ev dog did not ‘have’ this particular Day, but that some dogs did. The writer has missed the chance of a good title— not for himself but for his book. He should have made it an autobiography, and then have called it, ** De Die in Diem; or, Day by Day.” Everyone's truly, Tax Baron pe Boox-Worms, WHAT IT WILL COME TO! (A fragment from a Military-Commercial Romance of the future.) Awp so Mr. Exterspes approached his proposed recruit, and invited him to lunch to discuss the matter quietly. “You are very good,” returned other, ‘‘ but I can assure you I eat nothing before dinner. Won't have a cigar?” Mr. Ex.exsper accepted the i and remarked upon the excellent quality of the tobacco. * Yes,” assented his companion, “‘it is not half bad, for we get all our supplies from the Stores ; and now what can I do for you?” Then Mr. Exiexspexr unfolded his sad story. England was losing her commercial p rity, owing to a scarcity of labourers, artisans, nay, even clerks. The Empire was in as bad a condition as those foreign countries in which forced military service was established. Like France and Germany, trade was being ruined by the Army. Would not the young man desert, and become a recruit in the Labour **My dear friend,” was the reply, “‘I hope I am as patriotic as most pe Sena ifice my just te Arty a ment. What can you give me in exchange for my it life have recreation-rooms, libraries, polytechnics, can sort of amusement ?” ** But also drill and discipline,” urged the other. “* Which I am told by my medical attendant (whose services by the way are gratuitous), are excellent for my health. This being so, I can scarcely complain of those institutions. Then I have excellent pay and ample food. Now, I ask frankly, can the advantages offered yment with the privileges, os | y rade compare for a moment vileges, | last of me. Hope I shan’t ever have to haunt Honwstowen ! —_—...., Limited.) April 1.—My birthday; have no idea which. Old as the hills but not guite so pointed; venerable, but broken down, and used up: ; onee the rich darling of iety : but it| (Society) didn’t pay, so had to work hard for a living. Tit Bits, the | National Observer, and the Chancery Judges, have impoverished me, | Never mind—I'll be revenged—tesolve to keep a Diary—"‘ weekly | diary of a weakly” —oh dear! my old infirmity again. Must really | be more careful. April 2.—In with the rest of them, for a (North-) Easter outing, | Hacxina, in the train, tried to palm me off upon HonwsLowrr, who had actually the impudence to affect that he ** couldn't see me” ; a5 if I hadn’t obviously made his reputation for years! The best of it is, that Hoxwstowenr is always airing me in public, and dropping ~~ peprete. roy ae _ a fen “ee pri 3.—Out to dinner. t a hypocri iety veryone ded never to have heard me before. I was ted to Min ORNBLOWER (worse luck !), and she positively called me ‘‘ Her own!” —at my age, too! It’s indecent. Complained to Hoxnsiowns, who now faced round, and maintained that he was the first to bri me out. I could almost have cried. No wonder I fell flat, and | injured myself. Why, Sir, Sypszy SumirnH was my godfather, and | was always trotting me out as a prodigy, and trading on me. I sup- | rted him Sir, when I was but an i t phenomenon ; I supported | fie bat T can't support HomwBLoweER. April 4.—Went to the theatre, as I was told I figured in the’play; | claimed a free pass to the Stalls from the Les pes gery who was | rude ; showed him my card; he looked scared, and said it was all | right. The actors were full of me: very gratifying; but everybody | laughed! Just like their cheek! There’s nothing laughable I should fancy, about anything so played out as J’re become. Ugh! | how I detest irreverence! Hornwstowrr and Hacxrine have both | written to the papers, maintaining that I belong to them, and that | the theatre has no right to have me impersonated on the Stage ; they | term it *‘ Thought Transference,” ‘‘ The Brain- Wave,” or something outlandish ; and to think that Hacxine, who reviews Honnsiowen’s | effusions, once spoke of me as stale! They had better not try my | patience too far, I can tell them. April 5. — Sunday. Want change, and rest. Made for the O’Witpe’s sanctum. Cabman took the ome, and ©’ Wixps the | rest. Have known all the celebrities of the century, but like | O’W. the most. For one so young, he’s truly affable; made me quite at home; promised to put me up—or in, I[ forget which; | and then he uttered this remarkable ‘‘ preface”—‘“* Jokes are | neither old nor young: they are simply mine or thine—that is all.” Nevertheless. I’m sure to be in his bad books before long. April 6.—‘‘ Horrible outrage—an Old Joke, in trouble again ”—w | run the newspaper placards—was collared forcibly by two masked ruffians in Grub Street, and dispatched post-haste to Punch office. Mr. P., however, had known me from akey, and was not to be im- posed upon. He sent me back promptly, on Her Majesty’s Service, warning me that, unless I went off, I should probably be knocked on the L EvercReew Poricrvet1o! but not so evergreen a all that. He knows my constitution won’t stand these liberties. The desperadoes turn out to be HonwsBLower and Hacx1ye, as I suspected. In defence they alleged I had struck them forcibly! Mr. P. vows he'll proceed against them for nuisance—interfering with Ancient Lights. April 7.—Very weak, from effects of yesterday. The heart taken out of me. Consult my Doctor. To judge from the prints in bis waiting-room, I’m popular enough still with his on pene Says I’m suffering from a bad attack of Printer’s Devils, but can’t make me younger; replied that my desire was to be older. He looked grave, and rejoined, ‘‘ Impossible’’ ; prescribed a course of Attic salts; as I came out, met Sir Witretp Lawsow. He declares I don’t look a day older than when he first knew me; but then, he’s licensed to be sober on the premises! Ab, how I love the House of Commons: April 8.—Worn to a skeleton; sinking fast, but I'll die hard. Make my will. meath Autographs of Taruerrawp and Jos Muter to Madame Tussaud's; everything else to be sold for the foundation of an Asylum for Old Jokes. A knock at the door. Heaven help me!—two Interviewers! ‘Come in,” I said, with the conventi ** cheery voice.” Anticipated the worst, but worse than I anticipated. Hoxwstower and Hacxrye are ing over me; assert they have been sent by the Lonp Mayor. ‘ Thought Trans- ference” again! Well, I should have committed suicide, and n0¥ I can be released without crime. It won’t last long. If I might suggest my obsequies, I should like to be cremated in Type Hacxtxe begs my blessing, and pretends to weep at hearing the Editor's Postscript.—We have paid a pious visit to his last Jesting-place; on the urn is inseribed,— soldier, I now enjoy? Tell me frankly, shall I improve m ition by civing up the Army ? 7 buat And Mr. ELLERSDRE was compelled to answer in the negative ! r Pizasz TO Forest THs Guost or rus Same Ovp Joxs. GH NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, wil im no ease be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. To this rale

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| wee Sa e 8S wi ESR oll Bae Fs — 3--S323 82 “Soh Re -SS EE Se Ral BSF asun™ SR BASSE SPF oss Tt fas - fod? a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIVARI—Aprarm 11, 1891. CURIOUS OLD HCHLAND WHISKIES 7 10 15 & 26 years is wood. te por bes 48/- 60/- 72/- 120/- jn eminent Medical Authority, in recom- pending the moderate use of Whisky, gaies that on no account should Whisky be used unless it is well matured, Detailed List on application to yOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 148, REGENT ST. whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N. 8. ASK FOR AND DRINK ONLY GREERS' 0. Via. ee (0 VATTED HIGHLAND WHISKY. (In Square Bottles.) At 45s. per Dozen Case. ond of the finest Highland makes, which 6 wetie al Analyst” describes as the perfection ot Scotch Whisky. 4 at an? BROMPTON ROAD, LONDON, 5.W., and all the leading Stores in Lonéon. Wholesale Offices, 69, MABE LAWZ, B.C, JAM-VAR WHISKY, THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. [td If THE PALACE AND THE SHISLING. THE BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards. Recommended by the Medical Faculty. INES & GRIEVE, EDINBULGH and LONDON. THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY (ontains no Sugar. Is not stored in Sherry Caske. To DLABZTES, GOUT, & EIDNEY COMPLAINTS. “Certainly seems to deserve its mame.” —Lanesr. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID, GEO. BACK & CO.,, | Devonshire Square, London. ome $0 $e OS TRE inchtace 6d., 8d., 10d., and 2s. 6d. Flat Cakes, 2s. Vinolia Soap “Of unquestionable excellence, and much in favour with the profession.” — British Medical Journal, “Odour delicate, and the article of excellent quality.”— Lancet. “ An ideal Soap, delightfully perfumed.””— OF ALL CHEMISTS. Shaving Sticks, 1s., Vinolia Shaving Foam, ls. 6d. Chemist and Druggist. ls. 6d, and 2s, 6d. HOP, TEA A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, prepared under Ssritive’s Patents Improves the favour of tes, assists digestion. SOLD retail by all Grocers. THE HOP TEA CO., Lum, 8&7. GECRGE'S HOUSE, EASTCHEAP. 4. 4,and1 1b. samples, with testimonials, &c., will be sent on receipt of P.0.0. DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS 2/- AND ULSTERS. 25, CONDUIT ST., W. BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER’'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: “Quod ab Omnibus Quod Ubigue.” | Apollinaris “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS.” | | “Zhe dest deverage.” | TRUTH. YX an na at}. COVENTRY MACHINISTS’ co. HAYDEN & GO,, 10, Warwick Square, E.C. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPER, Ltd , Dublin. “JOHANNIS” KING OF TABLE WATERS. CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL CAS. Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, and Indigestion. Mixes equally well with Wines, Sparse, or Milk. , but an agreeable health-promoting verage. SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS NDOTELS AND RKESTAURANTS Sample Cases of 59 plats, 18/6, including bottles. JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd., ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. Wroirsate Sronm— WHARF ROAD, CITY ROAD, LONDON. Not medicina 28a. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. The Original and Genuine ‘* Worcestershire Sauce.” For HOT and COLD a> MEATS, ; GRAVIES, SALADS, SOUPS, GAME, FISH, WELSH —— Signature is on every be ede « of the Genuine and Ori Original. Trquisite Model. Perfect Tit. Guarantecd Wear, ‘Vell «Y DiagowaL SEAM CORSET. Witt not split in the Bevms most comfortable corect ever made Made in White, Wack, and and Shades «1 Italian Cloth, he new Senitery W il, wn, a Wii Taare Gorn Mepats. united kingdom & colonies RYLANDS’ DACCA GALICOES ARE THE BEST. nor tear in the Fabric. ‘The & H. HARRIS’S eth Sees COMPOSITION (Warexrncor). SADDLE PASTE (Warenrnoor) Ss. & H. HARRIS’S EBONITE BLACKING (Wasensnces). Por Harures, lt Black I Leather articles POLISHING PASTE Clasawiwo Mevace amo Grass, 8S. &@ H. HARRIS. Manufactory: LONDON, £. | Lapr's Pier. | | all the Fashi nable Colours | Perfect. Batin, and Coutil, ako in Black Handle 6/6, lvory Handle 1/6; of al all Dealers oollen ea | pore | Table 1% ge e Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. SEWARS OF IMITATIONS OF »OTM RED 4ND BLOWN LAbaLaA. CORT OLNE VORPECTLY HARMI.BA8, Boid by Perfumers pag mee throughout Agents: BR. HOVERDEN & BONS, Lorne USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. ~ BEST FOOD FOR INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., 2s., 58, and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, tonoon, 4ND SOLD BVESTWHERS. WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. Me sure to ask for GRANTS, and don't be pul of with inferior makes. OPER FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE, Warranted GRINDING, 4 tareet reba Ace si , ie. O4., and 2 » on. aa LA Maletemmpes

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JUVENILE DEPARTMENT. Messrs. BAMUEL vite »n inepecti wf their Bhew- Rooms by larents and Goardians w are des: rous of Outfiming thew javenile charges for any of the public or private The requirements of very many years enga Mesars. thas this important Department of th eir business has attained very want in Catalogue (400 Engravings) and Patterns MERCHANT TAILORS AND JUVENILE 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. Work Shops : — yo Street, Ludgate Hill; and’, PUNCH, OR THE LONI BROTHERS respectfully in- Schools, &£e athe and Boys have for ged the closest atten tion of BROTHERS, with the result Colleges SAMUEL large dimensions, so that every Suita, Overcoats, Hosiery, Boots, &c., is fally met, and durabie qualities insured, Free on Application. OUTFITTERS, roy's Inn Road “ Nosrora.” LONDON CHARIVARL —Aparit 11, 1891. a 4 corns LIGHTNING MAGAZINE R or large and hmell Game, Kook Bhoo vohny and i get Practios, are ansurpas-e¢ for accuracy and carried off all the highest Prizes at Bisiey, Bie impercept- burgh, and Trubiin in 1800. Price List ble to the COL’ FIREARMS CO., wearer. Le Gineshouse a y Leadon, W HOOPING COUGH, CROU ROCHE’S The celebrated effectual medicine Bold by most Chemists. Price & New York coLT’s vw UNITED STATES A 6 Acarie’ NAVY REVOLVER sits so — for House Pretcetion, Travellers, and | onthe shoul- for Military Purposes, takes Eley's % | ders and is cal. Express and «| other “@ cal. | go elastic whilst FLES, giving te every possi- bie strain, it unequsiied for rapidity of Gre. is virtually COLT’S REVOLVERS HER“AL EMBROCATION. cure without internal Role Wholessie Agents, W. Eowsane & Sow, 187, Queen Victoria Street, London bottie. Pariw—. Acaan, 328, Rue 6 artin. Powers, & Co., North Wiliam Street, | W motessce on 15, 6, z *Tirarzp B® . The Best Presext A WOMAN can give A MAN, | OF ALL postpns EVERY W HERR, & 17, Cucareipe. Lowpox, B.C., Special at- tention ‘es called also to the little clip for sup- | porting the drawers, t, 6, mailed free go8® | | Tooth Elixir, as. 64 *Gaetse Tan.” the cu Tan.” “ Rovat.” OM TO SAVE THE TEETH, USE DAILT THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER Beautifies and Preserves the Terra ln parts a Sweet Fragrance to the Rasara. Is Cooling ond Kefreshing to the Mocra. And takes away smell of Tosacoo. N.B.—The success of this the first liquid Dentifrice made in Encland has led to many tnsvarovs imitations. It is necessary for purchasers to see T C.'s signature band on each Bottle. Bottles, le. 6d_, 3s. 6d., ds, 6d., and Be. 64., of all Chemists and Stores, or sent, post free, from &. BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL. HOLLANDSCHE TANDMIDDELEN, FOR CLEANSING THE TEETH AND PERFUMIAG THES BREATH. © bottle. Tooth Powder, 64. | and le perbox. Tooth Paste, Clove favour, 2 64.; If any difficulty in eg send Postal Order | bye ol Philip | Peppermint flavour, 3s. per pot. Prepared by ' A. FRIEDERICH, Purveyor to H. M. the King of Holland. Fole Agents: KR, HOVENDEN & BONS, London. HIGHEST AWARDS EVERYWHERE. LONDON, PARIS, BOSTON, PHILADELPHIA, SANTIAGO, MELBOURNE, SYDNEY, ADELAIDE, EDINBURGH, &c, 9 FOR TOILET and NURSERY. Specially prepared for the deli- cate skin of Ladies and Children and others sensitive to the weather (Winter or Summer). Imparts and maintains a soft velvety condition of the skin. FAIR WHITE HANDS. BRIGHT CLEAR COMPLEXION. SOFT HEALTHFUL 8KIN, (CAMEL FOUNTAIN PEK A Whole Letter with One Dip. ~Sary “IT ase pens for all my drawings on paper and your‘ Cawet’ pens are the best | lover kad —Linter Samsounnn. Im One Shilling Boxes. Of all Stationn « ORMISTON & GLASS, 17, St. BrideSt. — AUUANS "ANTS gory Vee@sTssis, fectly Harm- SS %e | Botanle ei i Priateé by W Smith, of N Leraine Tesbare Steves, ip the Rrocines of Waitenioms tates Olay a

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From “PUNCH” BY GEORGs OU a

He i Ga e Hip walt IM os Arista v nD 2] m 4 z za m m , m z ° ~ ONE HUNDRED —>— APRIL 18, ‘ieee thes ane, — a) eS ee ree TTI . le (4. . - He i} il es ! S : i" + Bin -_ < si oy NIN iH} GN So) is! ol if re ae mee z FLEET STREET. AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, loiocour b MENIER sxzaxrasr Kevimtered at the General Post Office as « Newspaper.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL—Ararm 18, 1891.

NEW WOVEL BY GEORGE OISeINe. How reedy at all the Libraries, te 8 vols poet Ove. NEW GRUB STREET. Py @ ORGE OTH*T.@, Aather of © Dem byrrve.” “A TAte's Mortin. « Meher World,” &e.

Lenten: Surre a. tee & & Ms, Waterice

TH EE NEW NOVELS. PRETTY | MISS SMITH By seDee PANTASY. hee the Italian of Marreioe Ceth, Be 44. 5 Peper, te. 64. FROTH. Prom the Spanish of pew Acu Petco Vasome Cloth, . 64; Paper. — 1 anda~ a "wche, 71, Bedford 64. 7.C.

“MERAVixkeT FOSSIELE FLATING.“ --/: ren MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE, (ees) “MIGHEST ATTAINABLE @UaLiTrY.”

“ UwEat oe ‘DB PUR HARD WHRAR.” A Sea Bat th in your own room for

One Penny. STODDART'S SEA SALTS | INVALUANLE FOR RHtLUMATISM AND Wak J0INTs Fetabliche! Forty \« hegi-tered Trade Wark Boi ir » le te 7 andd 1-1 Bones; a bo ib, ond 1 1 DID. Hoge. Fu rections for Use on each Paekage. Re se ublie la Hot er Cold Water. * prrere o Aerute an Mu! ree Memvee, PCS Bord by Ch mie 6, Potent Medicine epee Who'ease Leadan 41 8 BARCLAY « ® » © Parr ringiee St, B.C Proprieta:s 4,2’! — = , Wholesale aod Export Iruggis‘s, CLEVP *THEKT, WRIGTUL -DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC | TWEEDS | FOR SUITS AND ULSTERS. 25, CONDUIT 8T., W. HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. Dally yield 601, O00 qaitens, «8 © tampssatare of Kethe fousdes at Heth by the Romans in the First Conter The eater: are well Brown as being most able in eaeee of Keeemetiom, Gout, end Shia Becton The Co poration of Meth have reveatiy eo end perfected the Bathe ot creat exp-ere. T. “uke orgs of one of the greaieat Hypenis yectons, Tas Bevree ote Tee weer comrters Peters, Bend Dehy in ‘the Pamp- Reem Letters to the Manager well reeetve etteption and every ip formation.

CIRCULAR POINTED Sart: DENS

“SWIFT” AND “CLUB CYCLES. T00 FA

wholisemt ~

CALLARD & BOWSER: | BUTTER-SCOTCH

Por HEALTH. For PLEASURE. Por Bvay I Fam COVENTRY " MACHINISTS’ 00, NOTICE.—ESPECIALLY To LAD [gre WEBB MILES ¢ COMP 0,and 6, KROUK »TREET, Hil’ = er pe , LONDON, W, xtensive otters

rness (apes, ac, newest ty le, will be alws vs kept in stock for immediate u-e at moderate prices for aa ments. Telegr: phic address, Wess Mit um. | Telephone 29279. Close at 2 Pr. on fem HOW ARI BEDFORD BALING PRESSES Dr. Gordon! e Elegant fi Cure STOUTNESS certainly. © height, weight. and send ,& a) Dr. Goapon , 10, Krunewick hae Londen. HOOPING COUG CROUP ROCHE’S HERBAL effectual cure withou!

pow y Are and

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Hospitals, Por Sore Throats, , Speedy, Cheap Gargle. CURED in a few hours, Slight Cases cut short J at once, “I find the Condy and cold water gargle excellent, many cases being cured imme- diately.” Dr. T. W. Hawars, Book of Directions and Medical Reports with each bottle, or free by post ox application to OONDY'S FLUID WORKS, 64, TURNMILL 8T., LONDON, EC. CONDY’S REMEDIAL FLUID g.., SORE THROATS RELAXED THROATS HOARSENESS ~D&e expemtnee le. Dr. W a, Berea iampital,

Used in all |

Hair; bottles, 3s, 6d.; Whitens the Tee ODON TO Prevents Dect, sverye et Sweetens the Breath. Geld

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Aran 18, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 181 LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. [cowrinvzD.] March 13.—Left Billsbury this morning by nine o'clock train, | and came back to London. Brought with me the Ril/sbury Standard, and the Bilshury Meteor (the Radical paper.) Both have accounts of last night’s meeting. Rather different, though. Billsbury Standard. The era of indecision is past. In another column we give a account of the important meeting of the Council of the Conservative Asscietion, yee Se fast night for purpose Be ing a Conservative Candidate for Billsbury. The i were enthusiastic unanimous... Mr. Ricnaznp B. Partrie, the selected Conservative Candidate, is Fn, * ++ of the highest promise. career at Oxford, where heobtained honours in History, and repre- sented his College in the Torpid races for eight-oared crews. Since then he has been called to the Bar, where he has already secured Speceh, last night hed ‘tho’ right c night t ae about it. It was Sam, posts, convineing, modest ecided, thoroughly in harmony with the best itions of the Conservative party, and remark- able for the proof it afforded of the devotion of Conservatives at all times to the highest interects of the working classes. We have po hesitation in declaring, as Colonel Coorxxe did last night, that with such a Candidate to oppose him, the fate of Sir Tomas CHUBSON may consi as already decided. If only all Con- servatives will put their shoulders to the wheel and work hard, the stigma under which Billsbury now labours will be swept away. A Mass Meeting of Conservative electors will be held on an early date 7 ow the decision Ls ~ ancil, and inaugura’ period of hard work throughout the constituency. e had a distin d provoked Billsbury Meteor, Last night the Conservatives | gave annual performance | of the good old farce entitled. | eg net mee’ got -bags e are this distinguished body of ama- teurs on the modest success which attended their ¢fforts. Most of the performers are well-known to the Billebury public. Alder- man TOLLAND, as the heavy father, screams of laughter by the studied pomposity of his manner. His unctuous rendering of the catch-phrase, ‘‘ Constitu- tional Progress.’”’ has lost none of its old force. Mr. CoorxLe was, haps, not so successful as we ve sometimes seen him in bis representation of a real Colonel, but the scene in which he attacked and routed Linptey Mornay, went extremely well. Mr. Jennam as a singing rnalist, was ad- mirable. We cannot help wonder- ing why so remarkable an actor | should confine himself to the poe stage. We had almost | orgotten to mention that the) part of The Candidate was, on | this occasion i RicuakD Parriz, a complete, | , assigned to a Mr. novice, whose evident neryous- : 3 the uately, and the famous soliloquy, othe country has need of me,” was painfully bungled. Mr. Pattie has few qualifications for the ambitious réle he essayed, and his friends would be doing | an act of true kindness if they insisted on his withdrawal from = He took a fourth class in History. His oratorical efforts at the Union were not very striking, but he rowed in his College Torpid, which was bumped four times. “Mr. Parry, as may be inferred from his nickname, is neither tall nor thin. He isa member of the Middle Temple, but his elo- quence has not yet astonished the Courts of Law. His father died five years ago, leaving him a considerable fortane, part of which he proposes to waste in the hopeless attempt to turn out Sir Taomas Cuvsson.” Confound the people, 1 wish they’d mind their own business and ‘March 11. Haven't been a to Billsbury again are .— Haven’ own i but go the day after to-morrow to speak at a Mass Meeting sates electors. However, I've bad shoals of letters from the place — nearly all of them asking for subscriptions. The Five Bars Cricket Club, the Lilies Cricket Club, the Buffaloes Cricket Club, and the Blue Horse Cricket Clab have all elected me a vice-president, and solicit the honour of my support. The Billebury Free Dispensary is much in want of funds, and the Secretary points out that Sir Tuomas Cavussow has subscribed £5 regularly every year. The United Ironmongers’ Friendly Society wishes to be an Honorary Member. Cuunsow subscribes £2 2s. tothem. The Billsbury Brass Band, and three Quaoit Clubs (the game is much played there) have elected me a member. The Secretary of the former sent me a printed form, which I was to fill up, stating what instrument I meant to play, and binding myself to attend at least one Band practice every week. Three “cases of heartrending distress” have appealed to me, ‘knowing the goodness of my heart.” I ve to consult TOLLAND, or some one, about all this. I get the Meteor and the Standard every day. The former goes on cheffing. Don't think JrneaM, in the Standard, writes as emartly as the other chaps. Mast try to get him stirred up a bit. Just received letter from ToLLaND, saying he wants to talk to me before meeting about ** matters connected with the Registration.”” More money, | suppose. Romeike, and all kinds of Press-Cutting Associations, keep on send- ing me that extract from the Star, till I’m fairly sick of it. They all want me to subscribe for Press-Cuttings. See them blowed first. WHAT IT MAY COME TO! SCENE — The Central Criminal Court. The usual Compan assembled, and the place wearing its aspect, “Sta ing room only” everywhere, except in the Jury Box, which is empty. Prisoner at the Bar. Judge. This is most annoying! Owing to the refusal of the Jury to serve, the time of the Bar, the Bench, and, I may even add. the ae is wasted! I really don’t hat todo! Mr. TwEnTrpon, think you appear for the acoused ? Counsel for the Defence. Yes, my ‘with some hesitation). Well, for a moment ume to but it certainly would culty if I suppose the Meteor people think that witty, When I got home, | i) an awful thing happened. Mother, of papers, so I gave her the Standard, course, wanted with which she was much pleased. She said it was evident I had made a wonderful impression and that the Billeb room table. hag, Mrs. Srieor, called. jury Conservatives were people! But, by some mistake, I left It seems that, in the afternoon, that sharp-tongued old She saw the particularly sensible the Meteor lying on the drawing- eteor, took it up, and said, | “ Dear me. is this something about your son?” Mother, thinking it ise. was the Standard, said, ** Oh yes—do read it, Mrs. Srroor; it’s &| * Counsel for the Defence. It no evidence is offered, my client should wonderfully accurate account, RicHaRD says;” and that old cat | be discharged. read it all through. She then smiled, and said, ‘' Yes, ver ing ind-ed.” flatter- | After she had gone, mother took it up. and. to ber friend right. horror, found what it was. She was furious. When the afternoon, I found her in a state of what Dr. Bases cal!s | ond decide upon its credibility. extreme nervous excitement,” with the Meteor lying in little whom I bad the privilege of add got home in to see the | Wj Ys to throw up his defence. It is a %- serious—a deeply serious— matter nat . for him. I do not anticipate any difficulty in establishing his innocence before an intelligent jury. Judge. But we can't get a jury—intelligent or otherw Counses for the Prosecution. I beg pardon, but I must set m Evidence is offered in support of the charve, my Lord. Judge Yea; but there is no properiy constituted hody to revive [ am glad that the Grand Jury (to ressing a few observations »pon our scraps all over the drawing-room, just as if a paper-chase had been | unfortunate position) have ignored « larger number of bils than through there. She said, ‘* Don't let me ever see that infamous am still So prannt case is before the Court, and I must dispose paper again, Dick. The man who wrote it owes you some grudge, of | courre. Sueh a scoundrel ought to be denounced.” Later on, met VuiLiamy He asked me, with the Star, and advised me to have a look at it, as there was somethi about me in it. This is what I found in the column — with her. about Billsbury. About People 99 + ae Mr. Ricnarp Parrrz, who is to be the Conservative I said I quite at the Club. We spoke a sort of chuckle, if I’d seen Dg | inly Candidate at the next election. is a young man of twenty-six. was generally called ‘Popex Patrix’ by his of it. Can you assist us in any way, Mr. Peurtensoon ? Counsel fr the Prosecution smiling). I am afraid not, my Lord. Judge. mF ougpase F have no alternative but to order the risoner to be taken eo To the place I was in last night? No, thankee!—not me! here, gemmen we knows one another, don’t we? Well, just to np A 2 sa ain’t ’alf bad in the summer, and as in course I did do it—I plead guilty! J ee a sigh of relief). Prisoner at the Bar, we are infinitely be to you! {Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy. VOL, 6,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 18, 1891. THE INVECTIVE OF H-RC-RT. (A Fragment in Hexameters, wor by George Meredith.) yg py 4 ’ . a " Py 4 Yi \\\ ie hi fy YW === eee ‘ Hetou me! brazen of front, thou glutton for Ground Game, how eves te Seep cette’ Hampshire, the nurser of heroes and H-xc -&Ts, can one, ; but if I found them among m Servant here to thy/mandates heed thee among the Tories ? Hares or Rabbits, or gun-bearing T - we fo Surely thy mission is fudge, Dawwar, Conservative Colonel ! 0 hi shameless! Th I, Sir, hi ST te = - the Never have they, of a truth, come potting my Hares and my Rabbits, Or of the unregenerate Agricul portemen, Unto the farmers, seeing the Hares a-m Pledged to the combat; they unto me have in no wise a harm done, | I do not sit at the feet of the blatant Bordesley b Tae I'd pot ent! w to do an injustice their crops up ?

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Aram 18, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Close time? Fudge! The Hares were intended at last to Either by sounding gun or the gaping jaws of the grey- Food for the people? Cant! The promotion of Sport is the purpose alte Plain of this pestilent —_h; ~ neutralises the victory Ve, oS ae labour, by Me, my gift to the sons of iw. DawnaY talks as though the Hare were « ‘ domiciled Shows what a deal he knows of Hares—save the pleasure of killing farmers up to this pillage ? em. Shall I give the Nay, sure mine were did most in the storm of we share the the A Lt. ture booty amongst , and w ven’ Aker the General Election, the Tories may And—bat oe 4, time will come,—not a “‘close time” that for matter-r-r! the Tories, — I, being outraged, then will give them particular pepper! us, no HEARTHILY WELCOME. 1900 (Somewhere about).—Introduction into London of new Patent Smokeless as imentally exhibited re Yon Bent Kier Cross. wl — ie. REDERICK in Yor! 8 ‘ew public- — householders insist on their cooks using it in kitchen. Cooks of public-spirited householders unani- mously give . No quotation of Fuel Company’s 1900 (Later) reforming - ing Parliament just re- uel made compulsory. Ay ae Use of new 0 we tom 0 nominal 2s, 6d. a share to £437 6s, 8d. ata 1901,—London Posts et cleaner. Only two fogs (white) in whole of last winter. Consequent intense sur- prise of old residents, cabmen, link-boys, porters, and 1902.— Retirement who declare they “‘liked the good old London fogs, to Black Coun ; Statue in Parian marble of inventor of new Fuel bi 1904. be Fenn dn -- -- of Com wd i ts , at ruinous sacrifice, A of J din mm ed pointed, with Cabinet rank. Blocks reduced in price aon maid at all Fost, Ofieso cavsns the counter. Aras messengers, on recei, ic orders, bring truc to any address witht utes. 1905.—Green veils come into general use this summer, lare from white stone houses and other (by County Council) to have dome lamp-blacked. Dean declines. Vote of thanks to him from resident staff of Ophthalmic Hospital. _1906.—Owing to surprising and overpowering health of inha- bitants (eaused by total absence of smoke and fogs), County Council establishes i i ugilisti ishes G Rowing Matches, and free public P tests, in order to work off pom v0 reek pened of tion, 1907.—Emigration of 2000 Doctors (who have no work to do) to! one of General Boorn’s Colonies at South Pole. Show (in Temple Gardens) of delicate ferns and roses grown in atm here of Strand, 1908.—Strike of Whi Laundresses, nm | House Painters, Hed bak ar irs Darna Forever us!” wil ” with us, Would we had used them more * - a Ts chamber at Madan adam or seeing him. : oly o-— Rest of inhabitants of England, as well as foreign invalids, k to London because of noted purity and salubrity of its climate. London a little over-crowded, but very clean. mines THREE ACRES AND AN EGG. 48 following t i adverti t ad ta “ oe pea appears in the advertisemen Wo QOTTAGERS and others to HATOH EGGS. Liberal Terms. y, wm spayed to see the men of Fife thus taking the lead in ereating the agricultural labourer, course the weather Rew openings for “|How skilfully he shapes his ** sell ” ‘Do you zver sxe Bossix Bouncer wow!” ‘Om DEAR No! ANYTHING HE DOES, HE CUTS UP ROUGH, IF YOU PLEASE, AND GIVES ONE THE Cotp SHOULDER ! ‘‘Anp Brut Jaxzs}” **Poork oLD Sricx-1N--TuHs-Mvp ! FOND OF TELLING ONE THE PLAIN TRUTH ABOUT ONESELF, WHEN ONE'S NOT INCLINED FOR IT, YOU KNOW! DON'T GET on!" He's FAR TOO GREAT A Swett! IF owx PiToHEs INTO THOSE VERY SUCCESSFUL FELLOWS ALWAYS DO!” Hap To prop um! Doocip sient Too ALWAYS THE WAY WITH THOSE FELLOWS WHO will have much influence upon the success of the new avocation. To sit out hatching eggs in one of such blizzards as we have had since Christmas would ex ingly inconvenient, upon whatever “Liberal terms.” But, given a summer day or a quiet autumn evening, there seems something quite idyllic in the picture of the agricultural labourer sitting out is own Three Acres hatching Con- | eggs,—probably laid by the Cow. THE FRIEND OF LABOUR, How doth the provident M.P. | Skilled Labour, Labour without Improve each shining hour, ekill And in the “‘ Labour Question” | He would have busy, oon ur | Nay, he would find some For idle ** hands” to do. i Yet, Labour, whatseoe’er he Howneatly spreadshis “fakes”! To trust him be not fast ; On Labour's ear they sound right Or you'll discover, some fine well, 7, The promises he makes. He’ll diddle you at last ! see Hopes of return to power ! may, QUEER QUERIES.—Comsverrstes.—I have five hundred bar- rels of Kerosene Oil, and hundred of Paraffin, stored in a large room in the basement of my premises. U on the top floor there are about two hundred ansistants at work. now want to use of the same room for the manufacture of fireworks. The place don’t think is too dark, as I have it constantly lighted by naked gas-jets. Would there be any need to take out « licence? i , although very crowded, is only of; a poor description.—IsuRxp.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aran 18, 1891, | ee MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. (Condensed and Revised Vervion by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless Tbsenite.) No. LU.—NORA: OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVOIT). Acr IIL The same Room—ercept that the sofa has been slightly moved, and one of the Japanese cotton-wooi frogs has f. anto the fire- place. Mre Linpen sits and reads a book—but without under- standing @ single (ine. Mrs. Linden (laying down book, as a light tread is heard outside). Here he is at last! ( TAD comes in, and stands in the doorway.) Mr. Kaoeerad, | have given a secret rendezvous in this room, because it belongs to my er, Mr. Heimer, who has lately discharged you. The etiquette of Norway permits these slight freedoms on the part of a female Cashier. : Krogs. It does. Are we alone? aes tens corte the Tarantella.) Yes, I hear Mrs. gn’s fairy footfall above. She dances the Tarantella now—by-and-by she will dance to another tune! (Changing hws tone.) 1 don’t exactly know ‘ou should + to have Siena after Sing we as you did, long ago, ough | Mrs. L. Don't you? Ido. I ama widow—a Norwegian And it has oeeurred to me that there may be a nobler side to nature y- =f you have not precisely the t of reputations. Krogs. Right. I am a forger, and a money-lender; I am on the staff of the Norwegian Punch —a most scurrilous peper. More, I have been blackmailing Mrs. Hetmur by trading on her fears like a an oe y - But, es spite o — (clasping his hands) — there are the makings of a fine man about me yet, Cantstixa! Mrs. L. l believe you—at least, I’ll chance it. I want some one to care for, and I'll Krogs. (suspiciously). dition, I suppose, that I suppress the letter denouncing Mrs. Het- ur f Mrs. L. How can you think sof I am her dearest friend; but I can still see her faults, and it is my yo that a sharp lesson will do her all the good in the world. She is much too com- fortable. So leave the letter in the box, and come home with me. Krogs. | am wildly happy! Engaged to the female Cashier of the Manager who has discharged | me, our future is bright and secure! (He goes out; and Mrs. Luvpew sets the furniture straight ; presently a nove ts heard outside, and HELMER enters, dragging Nowa in, She is in fancy dress, and he in an open black dumano, Nora. I shan’t! It's too early to come away from such a nice party. I won't go to bed! [She whimpers. Helmer (tenderly). There’sh a naughty lil’ larkie for you, Mrs. Linen! Poshtively had to drag her way! She’sh a capricious lil’ gui—from Capri. ‘Scuse me! —'fraid I’ve been and made a pus. Shan’ cur again! Shplendid champagne the Consul gave us —eounte for it! (Sits down, amiing.) Do you hast, Mrs. Corron ? | .+.» You shouldn't. Never koit. ’Broider. (Nodding to her, | solemnly ) Member that. Alwaysh 'broider. More—(hiccoughing)— Oriental! Gobblesh you !—goo'ni! Mrs, Linden, Louly came in to—to see Nona’s costume. Now I’ve seen it, I'll go. [ Goes out. Rae. Awful “a woman—hate ~——" Goteat —— t comes nearer. ou prillil eqauillikins, ou 80 Shomehw, I feel sho lively thidhovenia’ : Nora (goes to other side of table). 1 won't have all that, Tonvatp! Helmer. Why? ain't you my lil’ lark—ain't thish our lil’ cage? Ven-oat oe} 5 Rayx! ye ( Enter Dr. Rawx.) HK, dear » you’ve been (Asccoughs) going it upstairs. ? ’ Shamed of you, asx! . ( He sits down on sofa, and closes his eyes Rank. Did you notice it? (with pride). It was almost i the amount | contrived to put away. But I shall suffer for it to- morrow (g/comily). H ity again! I wish I wasdead! I do, Nora. Don't a ise. ToRvaLp was just as bad; but he is always widow. your “ Oh, you prillil equillikins!’’ 80 good-tempered after champagne. a well, I just looked in to say that I haven’t long to live, or me, Mrs. Heimer, it’s chronic—and i Rank. ~y ‘ too, I’m a fading flower. Can you oblige me Don’t weep Here are my P.P.C. cards. with a cigar? Nora (with a suppressed smile), Certainly. light ? [Rawx lights his cigar, after several ineffectual attempts, and goes vut, Helmer (compassionately). Poo’ old Rawx—he’sh very bad to-ni’ | ( Pulls himself together.) Bat | forgot— Bishness—I mean, bu-si-ness —mush be’tended to. I’ll go and see if there areany letters, ((oes to box) Hallo! someone’s at the lock with a hairpin—it’s one of your hairpins ! (i it out to her, ora (quickly), Not mine—one of Bos’s, or Ivan’s—they both wear hairpins! Helmer (turning over letters absently). You must break them of it —bad habit! What a lot o’ lettersh! double usual quantity. (Opens Kroestan'’s.) By Jove! (Reads st and falls back sohered.) What have you got to say to this ? ~— (crying alowd), You shan’t save me—let me go! I won't be saved | Helmer. Save you, indeed! Who's going to save Me? You miserable little criminal. aonepet Ugh—ugh! 7 Nora (with hardening expression). Indeed, ToxVALD, your singing- bird acted for the best! : Helmer. Singing-bird! Your father was a rook—and you take after him. Heredity again! You have utterl cages my happi- ness. ( Walks round several times.) J ust as I was beginning to get on, too! Nora. I have—but I will go away and jump into the water. p bees What will that do me? People will say / hada hand in this business (bitterly). If you raust forge, you might at least put your dates in correetly ! But you never had ang punces (A ring.) The fron bell! (A fat letter is seen to fall into the box; Hetmer takes it, opens it, sees enclosure, and embraces Nora.) Kroesrap won't split. See, he returns the fi 1.0.0U.! Oh, fy And little lar nt you must have gone through! Come | ing, my little scared song-bird.... Eh? you won't! Why, what’s the matter now? Nora (with cold calm), I have wings of my own, you, ToxvVALp, and I mean to use them! Helmer. What—leave your pretty cage, and (pathetically) the old cock bird, and the poor little innocent eggs! _ Nora. Exactly. Sit down, and we will talk it over first. (Slowly.) Has it ever struck you that this is the first time you and I have ever talked seriously tagetes about serious things ? Heimer. Come, | do like that! How on earth could we talk about serious things when your mouth was always full of macaroons? Nora (shakes her head), Ah, Toxvatp, the mouth of a mother of a family should have more solemn things in it than macaroons! I see that now, too late. No, you have wronged me. Sodid Papa. Both of you called me a doll, and a eqairrel, and a lark! You might have made somethiag of me —and ins of that, you went and made too much of me—oh, you did / : , Helmer. Well, you didn’t seem to object to it, and really I don’t exactly see what it is you do want! Nora. No more do I—that is what I have got to find out. If I had been properly educated, I should have known better than to date poor Papa's signature three days after he died. Now I must educate myself. 1 have to grin experience, and get clear about religion, and law, and things, and whether Society is right or I am—and I must go away and never come back any more till I am educated! - elmer. Then you may be away some little time? And what’sto become of me and the eggs meanwhile ? i Nora. That, Torvaxp, is entirely your own affair. 1 have a higher duty than that towards youand the eggs. ( Looking solemnly upward.) I mean my duty towards Myself! 1 aed And all B l Let me give you a this because—in a momentary ance finding myself in the power of a di Cashier who me say TonvaLp,” | expressed myself with ultra-Gilbertian frankness You talk like a silly child! = oe Nera. Because my eyes are opened, and I see my position with the eyes of Inszx. I must go away at ones, and begin to educate myself.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | Aran 18, 1891.) 5 iE ane i ; Nhe Tony not yet. - No, ALD, all ‘cloeed ob thes be Then puts down Only, you yy yim boue—end ay iva Te bes ai! #333 bv 29323 Ha i 3 ie that “ P ” in the sense of area of giving & toon ail MODERN TYPES (By Mr. Punch’s Own Type Writer.) No. XXIV.—THE GIVER OF PARTIES. Ir may be ’ tated 1 Mie Pavssrti's bravura. weref fist ~ lected husband, who was foolish eno i? ae the following year he iven, their acer. Her success seemed now to be or, to r entertain- less comfortable. She took of triumphs! a scion of Royalty and even the muttered discontent «f and in consideration of the exalted rank o prod assured, ve extinc- » even when ter to be the delight widowed Peer ; she fur- ht have reposed oy = never-ending to te a hardly- may invol her own. that she Hat 3 wey a § ie afin AE 2 ane “nities ogee sen herself, * J’y sus, jy Sas He le 333 fiat Litre as fewaye Went He Hh ii

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[Arar 18, 189}, |

—_<<—_=

He, ‘'1 say, Hrpa. you, inspzzp? ‘I ure rour Cazzx’!” FIN DE SIECLE CHILDREN. I SHOULD 80 LIKE TO GivE rou A Kiss!” She (who wILt pick up such strange expressions from the Boys). ‘‘ WovtD

He, ‘‘1’m sure I smovtp u«xe Yeurs/”

—_—_—

NOT CAUGHT YET! Tue Boy and the Bird! And the Bird looks so old ;— Seseue the species of fowl to be easily ** sold,” — And the Boy is so young! It seems almost absurd To suppose that that pinch is to capture that Bird ! An old form of chase, if the legends run right ; Like that, much akin, of the wild goose in fi ht. But salt, just like chaff and the plainly net, as never regarded as promising yet. But now? | Well, the Birds of the age, like its Boys, Ite Wives, and its Weather, its Tastes and its Toys, Have suffered a change, not a sea- , but one Which floors half the maxims, and spoils half the fan. Simple Simon? Well, that’s not as clear as it looks. The typical noodles of n books Were podgy and chubby, or and And—they tried to drop salt on poor dicky-bird’s tail ! A fat boy in tight breeks with a palpable bait May look a great fool; but I guess we must wait,— ore we him as crass and — To see—what effect it will have on the Bird ! The trial 's well timed, and the bait looks ‘‘ not bad ; ” The Boy may “ know hi x Birds sometimes fall victims to Boys The Voter Bird shortly must show what he’s worth. He may be the stupidest dicky on earth, Predestinate victim 9 ene oF at ; But then he may not,—and he is “ not caught yet /”

An Avrocear’s Asrreation.—Pan-Slavism fer Moly Russia, and Pan-Slav(e)ism for the rest of Bary. _ ,

LAND AND BRAIN. (A Page srom a Vade Mecum for Political Economists. } Question. Can you tell me how long an Author has a right to the profits arising out of his literary labours ? . ; Answer. Forty-two years, or the term of his natural life plus | seven years f r, whichever may be the longer. __ ‘ And d Lord Monxswett’s Copyright — which has | been read a First Time in the House of Peers, become law, will not this right be extended to thirty years after the death of the Author ’ A, it =* his great advantage. The same measure contains other valuable provisions to secure to the Author the just profit of his brain-work. ee Q. But will not these advantages be purchased at the price of a loss to the general good 4. Yer likely—the community will suffer for the benefit of the individ 2. ~ like mayer a Patentee, we igvents a yo meatal article, enjoys (for a consideration) a mono its sale, no “4 For years. i enables him to recoup himself for the thought and labour he has employed in the most useful article’s construction. Q. If Author and Inventor were allowed an absolute monopoly of the profits arising out of their brain-work, it would be immoral ? A, No doubt, as the individuals would benefit at the cost of the community. neta Q. Why should a butterman, then, have an absolute right in the sale of his butter ? ‘ A, Because butter is butter, and brains are merely brains. _ Q. And would it not be for the benefit of the eommunity if the landowner of a freehold were deprived of his rights after a term of years, and his holding be given to the public ? sil A, Oh dear, no! as Roprarp Kre.ove would say, 8 quite another story!”

Counszx’s Morro (objected to in the Committee Rooms).— ** Absence makes the fees grow stronger.”

“TIONDOD-ALEAOO-NOGKO'T “BAST «Il TIT HOQAONM UVAN LAO AINO NVO lI Al LON AA LHONVO

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aran 18, 1891. S Taken >> oon, ~ ‘ ~~ 3 ANS Wie) N ~ ~ Ay va ARV MQYQ SAKES SS N \ RAN \ \\ VY a Wi Ss Li lds ZAZA ‘ wet et a , o4 Mee Zn Mh NOT CAUGHT YET! Masten Lonpon-Counrry-Councr. **IF I CAN ONLY GET NEAR ENOUGH II!”

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with G > op ¢ lle, se yy * 23 =

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| gpm 18, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL acting over the inert bod alentine, OPERATIC NOTES. ention ag erpvy A of + 80 ux first night of the Mixed Italian Opera Season, 1891. We open Oo ete rare done, had he wih Grbos's O-fée, and, im @ strong glass, we drink to| of the City of London and acted up to. : Davgioanus Opgraticos, and say, “ %. G-luck t’ you!” | Asus lent him his Sheriff's chain to wear, Signor Penorri Nothing can begin the season better than the appearance of Groxta | Wold have been rg that is from this point of view. M. Mavae: — Sorta Ravoort—specially Grouia—' There's excellent as Mephisto in « new suit of clothes. He ing "bout Givtta So werry peoulia’”—(Old The Gentleman in Grey ”—rather suggestive of his )—in this short Opera, that is to say, an O a Volunteer, and a member, of course, of ‘the Devil's Own.” Song whieh me gs Imagine Meph heles re-dressed at last! On both nights Signor MANGINELLI, the Conductor, seemed pleased, and that’s something. waite” | Great feature in Covent Garden this year is the decoration of the between the Pit-tier Lobby. DrvrioLanvs, feeling happy at the Opera prospects, Scenes and Acts, and rejoicing in a fall subscription, said to the which, as it is in| Committee, “Gentlemen, let’s have ‘glasses round’!” Some officious person, hearing this mistook the meaning of the great Chief, and straightway ran off and ordered looking-glasses all round for the Lobby! Grand effect! bril- | liant! dazzling !—too much so, in fact; several glasses too much. So, after a couple of nights’ reflection, when the habitués came on Th three see us, good ” ; : practical motto for the loiterer in the lobby, as he “Oh, I musta’t hearing catches sight of himself, en passant, and wonders sect masta, bat fn lative who that chap is, whose face he has seen some- ‘ so sweetly expressed. The lines : ae a ——\ ge name he can’t for the s., New Faust, « ¢ OF Dim reco. e Ne « “Bo Onrunvs sang of old, er poets lie, Thursday.—Carmen, Disappointed with Jozi mixture of Henry : : 4nd—— ’ : Ravoa.t in this, though there are some fine bits ~ “) Pa On considenntion however, I will not quote the remainder, but/| of acting in it. Didn’t care much about Sister “°° *~ will say simply we were all charmed. Welcome, at the com-| Soria as Mickie the Maiden. M. Lupent’s Don José good but not mencement of another season, to Mile. Ba great; and M. Cex, who, in default of M. Devoyon's not being able UEEMEISTER, 2) g as Cupid, To-morrow she will be Dame Marta! W ! ‘* Time | to appear, took the part of Escamillo, was goeet, bas not very good. stale her infinite variety.” How is it, O premiére danseuse, | He was, however, well su by Signor Kawprcorx and the my pretty pretty Polly Hop-kino PatiaprNo, neat Shade among | Orchestra, and consideri difficulties he had to struggle with, these apps bat Whedy chamasters, thet thon not choose a | including an in the bills, he came out of it safely. classic d i the character of the music and of| Saturday.—Re-appearance of the great Dz Reszxe Brothers, Joun the ideal—I distinotly cuphesien ** ideal” —surroundings? What /| and Nep (what's Joun without an ed?) in Lohengrin. Admirable. oughtest thou to represent in the Elysian Fields? A Salvationised | Jui1a Ravoorr excellent as Ortruda, and M. Mavxxt equally so as “Dancing Girl,” without bonnet and tambourine? Nay, not s0;| Freddy. But why did he “feather his skull,” like the Jolly Young but rather the spirit of classic and , moving | Waterman, in so remarkable a style? However, his Freddy is a rhythmically to pa A measure, such a Scene as this ought | feather in his cap with which he ought to be satirfied. Miss LAMES to be, we want as much idealism as your graceful art can lend, | as Lisa even better thanas Marguerite. Crammed house. ‘* Friends en otherwise we are only | in front” more than satisfied. Good start. . A 7" A i¢ among our old friends, x J. ~ sF\ ae eas ond SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. Tux Earty Garen Pra. Ou, the early green pea! the early green pea! Is the dish of all dishes to set before me! You may tell me of salmon caught fresh from the Tay, The beauties of plump white spring chicken display, The strawberry ri three months before date— All these and much else you may set on my plate! But of them, no pet aie, stiee SEE ates Be As the sweet, mellow taste of the Early Green Pea! Oh, the early green pea, the pea of my taste, Must be gently assisted. not forced in hot haste, ay ow d Night. Lest the flavour it yield prove delusive and flat, F. vow eo 2 geet In no way suggesting the young Marrowfat | i @ar den, Bat if it do this, oh what more could I wish, | Fen a y dog, Than to see a young duckling form part of the dish! oust, we 6weny So with such a banquet spread out before me Marguerites have Can you ask why I worship the Early Green Pea! 4 ven i In Memontam.—As a tribute expressive of the high estimation in arguerite bebind her Back ; i which the late Mr. P. T. Banwom was held in Eng why act cofow * “Talis” ont of Bekeel.” just the|s ‘ Barnum Exhibition ” at one of the Colleges of either University ? We have “ Smith’s Prizeman,” why not ‘' Barnum Exhibitioner” ? lay at the Pas would.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Aram, 18, 1891, | —— ee = ne ia } ol 22 Z — - — s eT ode Taper \ ‘ V. ‘F ery £6 ORPSESSEOSEYSS4 SFB Ben4S “ Vy), te What ; tL phat ity 8 = &8 = 5e | FREE THE RAIKES’ PROGRESS.

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Aran 18,1891] | __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ---s gWORD VERSUS LANCET! (An incident in the next War.) “Now,” said the -Field-Marshal-Command- ing-in-Chi he before his men ; “I 4 32 af 8 Fpeost thy it ott rita i gral g fie a be imaginable, The'enemy trembled, wa In a moment the Royal R t had pat w ‘Ww and taken out their medical appliances. their mili duties done,' an wens Gactene chee causa, sence help those who demanded their semi-civilian services. They had scarcely been engaged in this manner — when es ne any yO i — Seal up to tad drew) words A SWEEPING REFORM. themy are again upon us em their ossing Sweeper. ‘‘ Wor’s THs HERE! Wot! po AWAY WITH THE ‘ CLEAN- In a moment the Royal Regiment was on the march.|vour-Dooa-strr’ HAMATOOR, AND MAKE IT A PAID Purression!! Way, S'HELP ME, THEY'LL BE DOIN’ AWAY WITH ME AND MY Broom WEX’, AND P’RAPS "AVE THE Crossin’s swEP’ BY Masneeweny! Yau !” y : : ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. military ca ty ! Royal Regimen EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. enthusiasm (bat in rather House of Commons, Monday, April 6.—B8chool after ed their aazoh to the fort. Easter Holidays. Orv Monra.ity Airis his place, but not many of the boys. Civil Service Estimates on; PLunxer in o on Ministerial side; Sace or Queen Anne's Gate Leader of sition. Hammered away all night on old familiar lines. G of . Towrmalin’s Time old acquaintances feebly floor, disa ing behind SreaKen’s Imagination by ANnsTEY- is chair, Kensington Palace, with its cost ; ouse ; Cambridge Vice Versd. The construction of i it is| Cottage; admission to Holyrood Palace ; the deer in Home Park at i is | Ham Court; the pheasants in Richmond Park; the frescoes in House of : the Grille of the Ladies’ Gallery; the British Consular House at Cairo— each came up in turn ; talked about ; pro- hen fortes caeess explained ; divided upon, and voted. Piowxer left to himself on Treasury Bench ; bore up with unflagging peseuaes potions ; has heard same points raised ev was First issioner ; has made same SacE to-night called him, the Dook of Campnipox. Oddly enough, almost only flash of humour through long si came yw Gronce Campsett. Gave description of hanging about Holyrood Palace na yg my = admission. ae eee ee Te dato paws i © sex or six y icinity ; sometimes casually entered stopped demand of a but what he felt

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192 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Arr 18, 189), * Sir,” cried Sir Groen, his voice under generous excitement of the moment taking on rasping tone, ‘* the arrangement is prejudicial to the reputation of men.” oa “This,” said the Sao, “will. I think, be an opportunity of going ont foranother cigarette.” Business done, — Handsful of Votes in Supply. Tuesday.— Narotxon B. Borrow strolled down to House to-night, intending to hear what Tomirmsow had to say on Emigration arrangements. In family circle it has always been considered that, as far as re- semblance to Naroteon BonaPakte goes, the late Prince Janome wasn't in it with the Member for St. Pancras. Borrow blushingly petra Se ent ee bat he is of indly disposition ; not inclined to insist on his opinion in controversy to other ple’s. Indeed, has gone so far as to furnish him- self with fancy dress, fashioned on the style of that worn by the great Napoizow on State occasions. To-night, been at a children’s party, showing himself in his uniform. Am told that, when he folds his arms, throws back his head, and recites, ‘‘ On Linden, when the sun was low,” you would think the Great Emperor had come back from St. Helena. — Intended to-night to create sensation in House. Doubted whether, as he was not about to move the Address, he would be permitted to enter with sword by his side. But he would be free of the smoke- room ; might posture in the Lobby ; might read an evening paper in the tea-room, whilst others enviously glanced at his epaulettes. _ Here he was at ten minutes past nine standing in his favourite attitude at the Bar, no one having challenged his entrance. Fact is, Huse was up; not Counted Out, but having duly gone through the Orders and passed the Second Reading of an important measure. Sach a day the Government had had! At Morning Sitting had ramped through the Orders, advancing Bill after Bill through critical stages. House nearly empty; Opposition effaced ; Irish Members all absent except Brer Razsit, who wanders about looking for Brer Fox. The only note of discord sounded in voice of Gzroncr Campse.t. Keport of Supply reached at a quarter to seven. At ten minutes to seven, in ee with Rule ordering Morning Sitting, Debate must stop. One or two questions asked; quickly answered by Pionxer; Vote after Vote agreed to on report stage. Then CamPsBecr : gets up and wants to know about C4 > sh lighting the National History Museum at night? Twelve minutes to seven. Pconxer looks snxiously at clock. If Camreett would put his question and sit down he might be answered, and report stage got through. But CamMPnect goes on till hand of clock points to ten minutes to seven. “Order, order!” cries SpeaKEn. Time limit reached ; no more debate ; Campsect not finished yet; attempts to proceed; angry shouts of * Order! Order! ” before which he subsides. Then, watching opportunity, sud- deniy bolts up again and wants to explain = he was not opposing oy passage © report stage of Supply. ‘No, bat you talked it out,” ps A Pcrorxer, with something less than his customary suavity. : 3 ae 4 oy mg om two hours , ago. ere has been suspension of the Sitting, the resumption at nine Hepelem B, Belen. o'clock, the Second Reading of the Rating of Machinery Bill; and now all is over, the guests are fled the garlands dead, and ail but Napotros B. Borrow departed. He, in fact, has only just arrived, and wishes he had not been in such a hurry to quit the circle where of late he was the object of awed admiration. Business done.—Trenormous ! Thursday.— House filled up to-night ; flowing tide evidently with us, including Mr G., back after his holidays. Also Prince AnTuvr ; been in training for some weeks in anticipation of long in Com- mittee on Lrish Land Bill. Irish Members also in consider- able force. Expected to find Tra Heaty arrive in fragments; but he’s all there, mach as usual. “ Another cigarette.” ) wants b/ ] Ts “How's Brer Fox?” I asked him, wishing to hear la from Ireland. aie, “Oh,” said he, “‘ Panwett’s looking up.” ‘“ What do you meant” I asked, astonished at this testimony, ‘IT mean, he’s on his back, and, being in that ition, must of course be looking up, if he’s looking anywhere at all.” Light-hearted Tia! Time not wither, or Dattow O'Bum | stale, his infinite eee Scotch Members on before Ireland sas aqpvenched, Something abort the Seotch Private Bill Procedure Bill. Formidable List of Amesi. | ments to Lorp-ApvocaTe’s proposal to nominate Committee, 4) the Clans muster. Novar moves Amendment; CamPseii-Bisyn. MAN objected that thirteen Scotch Members, including Lrxc s4/ Lyow PLayvar, ‘would not make an adequate Committee.” Ro son brought against the Loxp-ApvocaTg the grave was ‘‘ interpolating an extraneous and alien body into Lord Kusessvrgy, ex-Lord-Advocate, happened to be under Gallery on chance visit to House. Heard this remark with huge delight. Reminded him of the times when he used to sit through long nights with back fairly set against the Gang- way post of Treasury Bench, invoking blessings on head of Duke of ArGrtt, and driving the Liberal Scotch Members wild with his perpetual smile of content. Business done.—Committee on Irish Land Bill started. Friday Night,—When House met at Morning Sitting Op Moratiry disecvered on Treasu ch, looking more than usually guileless. Been badgered all week about Labour Committee. When goin to disclose names of Commissioners an set forth terms of reference? Only yes- terday Brer Rassit put the question, intimating that whenever the aunounce- ment was made Adjournment of House would be moved in order to protest against omission of Davitt’s name. OLD Mogattry answering, said it was pos- sible he might be able to make the an- nouncement to-day, but much more likely on Monday. Everyone thought it would be Monday. Brer Raszrr in his place to-day, but his men absent. Oxp Mokatitr, with posi- tively a halo of innocency round his head, suddenl table: read out the list of Commissioners. Brer k | “ Interpolating an extraneous and alien body.” appeared at ABBIT’s hand i. | foreed ; must needs forthwith ask leave to move the Adjournment. | ‘Got your forty men?” asked the Speaker. ** Not quite,” said Brer Rapprr, apologetically. | ; Ouly twenty-nine; so Brer Razpir bowled out, and —s Bt. ** Dear me!” said Orp Morattrr; “ how very unfortunate. Nowif| I’d only waited till Monday, House would have been quite full ; Brer| Rassit would have got his forty men twice over ; we should havehad an em ing Debate, and lost several hours of the sitting. &) things have turned out, we can now go straight on with business.” | Business done.—In Committee on Irish Land Bill. Tue Rerory or rae Wanperer.— Jonnnre has come marchist home. Jopn Lawzence Toorg, of the wide world generally, | London peculiarly, and of King William Street particularly, bs returned. Divine WitttaMs, always on the spot for any remarkable, event, foresaw the happy day when, in Henry the Eighth, Act+.| Se 3, he wrote, ‘‘ The great Tootk come!” May we venture to| surmise that it will not be long ere we see the announeement of om) favourite comedian’s appearance in an entirely new and origisll| farce entitled Jet on Parle Francais ? Wuar’s rv a Name? a cutting from a communication of J. Montiwer GaanviLie's, # The Lancet, No. 3 527. p. 798. Which when found make a nol of :—"* Instead of thallin I use a Periodvhydromethyloy chinoh, because that is better borne. and seems to be more effective thas the Tetrahydroparaquinasol.” There two words would be 4 penn’orth in a telegram. Yours, EpicgaMMATISt. | (From a Ue ie T send rm PREMIERE AND DERNIERE, OR SHORTEST KUN ON RECORD. Dramatic Author (to very friendly critic). Been my new pies! icy fiesdlp Coin, Dear mo! “Ononightealy!” Bi " - * m (rs ne , ery friendly Critie e gs ts got something ready for this evening. GHP NOTICE.—Kejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, wih in no case be returned, not even when accompanied tere will be uo exception. by © Stamped apd Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rale

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—— ee SV ERFEPSA FF 2. r = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aram 18, 1891, CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA BXHIBITION, om fia the Gall; 0a the Doz. Canttsos Pat. Cacu gy bottle. aa a sample, will 4 sent ae OT adress on receipt of P.O . lor RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 24 and 25, Hart St., Bloomsbury, W.C. beid by “” Loar ~~ ¢ Menepanrs th thromghout OLD IRISH WHISKY. CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY, Limited, Head Offices: MORRISON'S ISLAND, CORK. THE cur @ KINDNESS.” Perfect Biendings of cHo Cart aes BRANDS of Sete py Nh TLe Native Purity, a wtampered with Marussp ar Casns. T luxery ie Pure beotch W eat, S. SCOTCH so harmo- Posse: sing BLEN DED op Exquisite Blend pious ia combi echaracier se seovel and -oentivei may fairly among Cl. ver “unique ao 4 oe forwarded direct oa a6 ae, i dos. first stimulants. y ie Hottie, carriage ia Y anywhere in the United xine: a. ly. PEASE, SON & 60., LEITH SCOTLAND. clisn Addresses, LON "ON a: ad bakLin@ron. bit shed 18. (Please mention “ Panch” whes @iering ) Carriage pad o 28 essere Of Cue Besse and upward EERINGS ii Comnaaan (HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur, KORO. The New Aperient Tablets, ¥ easan te lecous swe-tmeat. weatel” fee : > L = . son, defcent secretion of bile ond intes- na — ws, hemorrhoids, internal congestion and many disoriers of the prima via. They are eaten S confection, are immediately absorbed, and thus the effect is sure. Ofai| Medicine Vendors, 25. 64. PER BOX, or of MIVBIRY 2 soNs, King Edward St., LONDON, | tr “Familiar in Millions of | Mouths as @ Household Word,” —Tiuns. A pollinaris “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,” “Much favoured Her Majesty.” Worn. ° a CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE FRY’S PURE COCOA “1 consider {t a very rich, delicious Cocos.”—W, EH. B. STANLEY, M.D, NEAVE’S Dr. BARTLETT, Pu.D., F.C8.. apes -" #72, cH Wickes of te Ahn, Sue Gir CHAS. CAMEBUN, M.L., -ays:—' At Buceilent Food, samirebiy adapted & ne Weuw of infaau” ESTABLISHED 1826. To INFANTS, INVAL:DS, OOD "se mt hove tyre ecomstituents are far above the F Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. JOSEPH GILLOTT’S PENS, Numbers for use by BANKERS :—Barrei Pens, 225, 226, 262. Sli Dene, 8, 909, 287, 166, 404. In Fine, Medium, and Broad Points. 4 LIEBIG COMPANY'S ben Signatare (as above) in Biue Genuine Extract. ST || HORSE CLOTHING AND RUGS. New Designs and Patterns. Perfect 6¢ Ali Wool Write fcr Patterns ope eons free) to Ly Wrermoa London Agency for cand Wootten (4 at. nevtensy Street. Piecadilly, W Horse Clothing. UNLICHT SOAP wonTHLY COMPETITIONS. PRIZES “yer £6,000. over COMPETITIONS EACH MONTH DURING 1891. these Competitions, the winning of « prize de- ee entirely on the perseverance and en oe ee te. are held every month, £0 y te y one LF pee discoursge, but stimulates to a fresh eff WRAPPERS coM { PETITION. i Sone’ See and under. PRIZES each Silver Keyless Lover ithe am B watenes, CARD Box COMPETITION. Open to all aged 17 last Birthday and upwards. PRIZES each month — ¢ Silver egeaae ° caves Gem atches, - each Mire cna ta = oe kT. near BIRKENHEAD ore eer a Hair BRINE JEWSBURY & BROWN'S ERE: Tooth es m Pas te. qommpent anown. Send SEBS a Ry oust * PERFUME Always Refreshing, @weet and Lasting. PRICE 4/, 9/6, 5), & 40/6 per Bottle. To be had of all Perfumers, Chemists, ge. WHOLESALER. HOVENDEN & SONS BSaneas Staeer, W.. & City Roan, EC, INDON, COLT'S NEW UNITED STATES WAVY REVOLVER Proteetion, peavaiions, ond gly thee Le “ “eal. Wee andl he COLT's " MAGAZINE RIFLES, Wet rsa oncrent reccn sn lied for rarltiey of Ore Sal te 8 REVOLVERS ra a i vines at Hisiey, Edin Vr a List free 96, Glasshouse 6%. Picesdiliy DINNEFORD'S "| For AULDITY of res STOMACH, HHAMTHU UN, VEAVACHE, GUUT, end IN VIGESTION Bold throughout the World J. EXSHAW & C6O0.'S FINES OLD BRANDY. per im Unce@e a8 imported v. Ww. Svarteves & Co, BB, Regent Street, W ARD PARRIGH by contract transferred the nufsctare of bis Byrup ‘oF ovine & Hons, The thet « number of tateries ALL FAT PEOPLE ans 4 take TRILENE TANLETs tena to a ty safe cure for Srourn ese Bi ENE CO., 70, Fimsbery Pevemant. “FOR THE BLOOD 18 THE LIFE.” GLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE @ le warranted to cleanse the bigod from ail acura pn Lage gay cause arisiig. Yor Koreaeia, Se and Blood |)iseases and vores ere marvelious, It the oni rh kinds, bines, ike wmatic Pains, for 004 ry specific for Gout and moves the caves — its. each, of Lincoln, Bewsns or Woarntese lurrariors. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED “EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1889, Gold Medals, 1884, 1886, FOR TRAVELLERS, DELICATE CHILDREN, WEAK DIGESTIONS. COCOA ano MILK| Tins, 1s, 6d. and 2s. 64, obtainable everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. SQUIRE'S HEMICAL 2. FOOD FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. Or Aounts, on ot Pasent Poor Fase pinect reou SQUIRE & Ss SONS, 413, eaeen’ po Aner y LONDON. FIRE. PROTECTION VENI Se Se

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Aram 18, 1891.

Yd a Qa z ») » P4 a > a fe) a z a a be) > a tA, Y ly y yy Were a capital cath - E polish the Ear in, she “brightens t Kido both declare, as half ‘the world knows, Fhough:a capital couple ; we “WONT WASH CLOTHES: “* By permission of Mr. Osbert Henderson, Glasgow.” | The World’s most Marvellous Cleanser and Polisher. Makes Tin like Silver, Copper like Gold, | Paint like New, Windows like Crystal, Brass Ware like Mirrors, Spotless Earthenware, Crockery like Marble, Marble White. | FOR A THOUSAND HOUSEHOLD USES. Printed by William @tuart Smith, of ¥. Parish Mary, Istington, County Bradbery, Agnew, & On, Lamitel, [lastard street, in the Procioas, ein te Chay Lenten, ane Pebaiched Of bins Ss Wa a Vises Uaresk, we tee Pariah of A etant Cony of Landen ~Garvases, Apel! 14, aM,

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> a Q = =) - wu fe) pay z a a a ») a

F, €. BURNAND’S ILLUSTRATED ‘PUNCH’ WRITINGS. BRADBURY, AGNEW, & Co. LD., [ 8, o 1, Bouverie Street, B.C, 160 Illustrations. Abroad. “ The illustrations perfectly accord with the humours of the author.” —Saturday Review. 116 Iliustrations. VWery Much Rather at Sea. at Home. Thoughts. 108 Illustrations. Quite 110 = Mlustrations. Happy (COMPLETE)

SS SG Hl | OY Py, ; yi Ves _ a “4 J RAS Si = | Pm PAGTKAID So — PUNCH | y (hh Sl Vq Ke) im Oy. . CS ing ae vr (py YE ie yl is VOLUME ONE HUNDRED _~— APRIL 25, 32 IE. Wb zt 85, 0 aie. ie POL le a MA TTOV.£ Ow Res AS fi a ) x AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.

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FRY S PURE COCOA To secure this article, ask for “FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED COCOA.” “BONSd S23HHL BOI

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PUNCH, OR THE _ LONDON CHARIVARI. —Aram 25, 1891. THREE NEW NOVELS. PRETTY MISS SMITH. Ficesrce Waneer. t. 64 By FANTASY. From the Italian of Marmos Genco. Cloth, te. 64. ; Paper, 2. 64. FROTH. From the Spanish of Dew Anmewne Pacecte Vetoms. Cloth, ts. 64,; Paper, te. 64 london: Wu. Nereewsewe. 71, Bedford Ot. WC. Mee BRAL ” LATEST NOVEL Autograph F4:tion, ls 64 , pieture cover, 2. ONE LIFE, ONE LOVE: a yo Ry the Author of “Lady Audicy'’s feeret urarme & Co. (Limited i don: *1 Prom al) Booksellers [BSEN'S FAMOUS PROSE DRAMAS Uniform and Authoritative Engiteh Edition Héited by Wittsex Ancuen. Crown Ovo, - ice Be 64. per volume if Del's 72 league of Youth— Pillars ~knemy of the People Lady Inger— Vikings at Vo. TV Emperor and ont he octet Vol Gost Wild Duck Wei Iii He geiand—P etenders Galliean Crown 80, paper cover, price One Shilling. ROSMERSHOLM A Drama tn Four Acts. anton: Waeren Goorr, 4, Warwick Lane LONDON LIFE ASSOCIATION. Berss\muen |006 ASSURANCE FUND, FOUR MILLIONG. MUTUAL ASSURANCE AT LEAST COST. No. 81, King William Street, E.O. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, ‘7 Millions Stg, FOR PROTECTION LINSWLSIANI P EDINBURGH, 3 George Bt. (Head Office) LONDON, 63 King William Street, B.C. o 3 Pall Mall East, 5. WwW. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street, Branches & Agencies in India & the Colonies PATRONIZED WY THe WOYAL PAMILY. 4 Beal Ses Bath in your own Boom. TIDMAN'S SEA SALT. Beware of Worthices Imitetions. TO CURE ALL HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HEADACHE, USE HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Tested in many of the severest cases, and always proved effectual. They contain no opium, bromides, or narcotics, and the highest medical authorities have pro- nounced them harmless. Thousands now attest their value, and none need suffer from headache. A TRIAL WILL OONVINOE, See that you get HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Your own Chemist, and all the Wholesale Houses. Price ls. 44. per box, Post Free frem J. K. 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Carri Paid on Orders of 2s. and above to any part of the United Kingdom. Ne Aeswrrts on Mipo.s-Man Eurcorsp. EGERTON BURNETT, Wellington, Somerset, England. RANSOMES’ At the Jubilee Meet- ing of the K.A.8.8., Windsor, Her Majest the Queen and H.K.H. Princess Victoria of Prussia each pur- chased a Ransome Lawn Mower. _ THE BEST in the WORLD. ‘New AUTOMATON.’ “ Cuam Avromaron,” “aw Panam,” “ Woatp,” and “Por ssp Honee- Yorrs” Mowszns, in sll sizes to suit every requirement. Ail Machines sent on o Month's Free Trial.and Carriege Paid. Supplied by all Ironmongers. | BENZINE COLLAS.—Ask for * Coll” “BENZINE COLLAS.—For ARTISTS RANSOMES, SIMS & JEFFERIZG, LA Ipswich, Por HEALTH. For pemacuns, Fer BUSINESS “SWIFT” AND “CLUB” CYCLES. Over 20 Years the Leading Machines. Lendos—15 & 16, Belbora Viaduct. Manchester — =] 9, St. Mary's Gate. FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATE. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the TEETH. Renders the Teeth PEARLY WHITE Is perfectly hormiess, and Delicious to the Taste. Is partly com of Honey, and extracts from sweet herbs and planis. Of all Chemists and Perfumers throughout the world. 2%. 64. per bottle. FLORILINE TOOTH POWDER caly, Put up in glass jars. Price le Prepared only by The re Drug brent Y oo Parringdon Read, London, E HOOTras COUGH, CROUP. ROCHE’S HERBAL EMBEROCATION. The celebrated effectual cure without internal a Bole Wholessie Agents, W. Eewaans & , 67, Queen Victoria a, London seid’ by most Chemists. Price bottle. Paris—" Acanp, 328, Rue St. t. Martin New York—Foverss & Co., North Wines Btreet, STREETER & COMP.’S SPECIALITIES. D!AMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true “blue colour, PEARLS of the finest ‘lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and — D!AMONDS of all colours. STREETER & COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St., London. | OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICy, FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGpoy (GRAND HOTEL TRAFALGAR $ LONDON, ENG” —_o—— FINEST SITUATION EVERY LUXURY ano COMFORT MOST RECHERCHE CUISINE. VERY MODERATE BUTTER-SCOTCH be een BENZINE COLLAS.—For ARTISTS, A SP ec TIALLY GOOD MEDIUM for Painting on Silk, Satin, Gauze, Lincrusta, Wood Caste, Glass, Tapestry, Cards, Leathe er, &e., ae, he CL ANS GLUVES.—CLEANS DRESSES BREMUVES TAK, OIL, PAINT, ne FROM FURNITURE, CLOTH, A SV ECIALLY GvOD MEDIUM for Painting on Silk. Satin, Gauze, Lincrus(ta, Wood, Conru, Giass, Tapestry, Cards, Leather, &c., &c | BENZINE COLLAS.—Try “Colla” oa cs word CULLAS on the Label aad Cap fined, nearly odouriess On us os becoming quite odourless BENZINE COLLAS,—Ask for “Coll | —Ask for “Collas" P ration aud take no other. every where, 6d., ls., oma ls. 64. per Botte Agents: J. Sinorn & Sons, 49, Oxford Street, ¥ “XXX” BARREL PENS, BALL-POINTED. Made of the finest steel, beautifully — -? and glide over the paper jike a lead p In One Shilling Boxes. Of all quien, ow ORMISTON & GLASS, 17, St. BrideSt.,£.0. } ! CAUTION.—Other and inferior makes of WOVE LADDER WEBS are now belog sold, The - and beer has the name CARR'S os in BA LaD Ask WR, an me thst OF name is there. ee

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Arnis. 25, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 193 =3 MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. ig iaide. Gesnen, 00 andl waite cn instiation at enso; do yon hese f and out, (Condensed and Revised Version by Mr P.’s Own Harmless Ibsenite,) ap ve on Sm my little ty Do ag mer ho hing | t ase pull your hair when we met on 8a euih essed No. re GABLER. it a* § P coos ple with copious ‘hi alwaye a tet pe 2 cr I. rs. ess, yes, ewe wa nd penny Lye endly, gxe—A Sitteng-room cheer crepe decorated in dark colours, Broad and I wes nad > afraid of you. I’ve run — ” doorway, hang eoith with in » io Be wall at back, leading to a = Me. — Everything 8 crvand him was distasteful back Drawing-room, in whieh, above a sofa in black horsehair, ae poo and + sue comrades—he was dissipated, ‘a I hangs a postanens puryaie the late te General Gaster. On the | 8%*.% of power over him, and he made a real person out of me— no 1s a handsome Fiveugh He 9 lave panes of the back | Thich I wasn't before, you know ; bat, ah, I do I’m real now. ~~ -7eemh We are agen 6 all and a cemeter He talked to me and taught me to thi —chiefly of him. So, when aaeen sofas, chairs, §c., en dead henwed in blank _ ap came here, naturally I came too. There was nothin bombazine, and studded with small round nails. Bouquets of |%%° %° 2° And fancy, there is another woman whose shadow s I stands between him and me! Ghe wanted t» chest bien ence, ond immortelles and dead grasses are lying everywhere about, so, of course, he can never forget her. I wish I knew her name— Enter Aunt Jute (a good-natured looking lady in a smart hat). perhe it was that red-haired opera-singer ? Aunt J. Well, 1 declare, if I believe Groner or Heppa are up yet! (with cold self-command). Very likely—but nobody does (Enter Geonck TesMan, humming, stout, careless, spectacied.) eat sort of thing here. Hush! Run 4 now. Here comes my dear boy, I have called before breakfast to inquire how you Tesman with Judge Brack. (Mrs, E, ; GEORGE comes in HapDA are after returning late last night from your long honeymoon, | with Judge Brack _ iF, gle aa) a Oh, dear re ve yes; am ; not your old Aunt, and are not these atten- one mile tats care 7 ve paaied 4. pet eond: tions us in Norw: ‘ou do George. Good eH yes! hae honeymoon —" - Mholidey his ape tie Mon lass). yo a little eoveed, 9 scholarship eh? I have Bf, Btill the some been examining archi Think of a, ! Look here, I’m going to cate a book all about the domestic interests of the Cave-dwellers during iTg ape his return from his long — It 8 customary It ] H the Deluge. I’m a clever young Norwegian in Scandinavian ° will man of letters, eh ? be olbeuralie, for I am a gay Norwegian dog. Aunt J, Fancy your knowing about that George. Asked out — ‘without my wife! too! Now, dear me, thank Heaven ! Think of of that! Eh? _ Oh, dear me, yes, Z’ll George. Let me, as a dutiful Norwegian come ! — nephew, untie that smart, hat of Wall! Brack, By the Lévsore is here ; he has TS, (Unties it, and pats her under chin.) written a wond Secrets which has made a oe to be sure, you have got yourself really up,— quite ex ag me, Bech : fancy that! George. Livsone—fancy ell, I Vall, 1 amin : illas,” He puts hat on chair close to table. m: gifts! And ¢! is 80 eT certain he had Es Aunt J. (giggling). It was for Heppa’s sake gone to the bad. Fancy that, eh? will become - —to go out walking with her in. (Heppa of him ane, pate fellow, eh? Iam Hey Bah, Bay, TS approaches from the back-room ; she is pallid, Brack, Well, he may "possibly put up for the Professorship tating with cold, open, steel-grey eyes ; her hatr is not against you, and, though you are an uncommonly clever Cantus very thick, but what there ts of it is an agree- man of letters—for 4 Nerwerlan—is ’s not wholly improbable — able medium brown.) Ah, dear Heppa ! os he ma ‘ou out ! : [ She attempts to cuddle her. George. yd here, good Lord, Judge Brack !—(ges- ; iis Hedda (shrinking back). Ug heme go, do! ticulating) thet would show an incredible want of “—- ; 1 J (Looking at Aunt Jutie’s hat.) Txsman, you deration forme! I married on my a? of illas” | must really tell the housemaid not to leave Professorship. A man like Laveene, too ‘oc t pve her old hat about on the drawing-room chairs. been respectable, eh? One doesn’t do such tt Things as that! hon] Oh, is it your hat ? I spoke, I’m sure! Brack. Really ? You forget we are all realistic and un- — Aunt J. (annoyed) cious, little conventional pevmne b Rees and do all kinds of odd things. NS, Mrs. HeppA; my nice new i at I bought to ay | oe worry y He goes out, ; , go out walking with yo e (to Hedda). Oh, I sa wy, Ea —. what’s to become George (patting a a ry the back). Yes, M. or fairyland now, eh ? e can't have a liveried ser- Heopa, she "iid, and the parasol too! Fancy, re or give dinner-parties, or ce a horse for riding. | = Joie always positively thinks of every- ; Fancy that! eh? “Tam a gay Norwegian dog.” ~ “redda (slowly, and wearily), No, we shall really have to Hedda (coldly). You hold a oar Catch me going out | set up as Fairies in reduced circumstances, now. walking with your aunt! doesn’t nal things. George (cheering up). Still, we shall see Aunt a pe a da ey George (beaming). Isn’t p a + Same woman ? Buch fascinating | and that will be something, and I’ve got back m 6 manners! My ae. eh? that ! shan’t be altogether without some + adler ia mye semen fa t indeed to be happy—but a a Hedda (crosses the floor), Not while I have one a to amuse ned, and Aunt J, Ah, # out a flat package wra in new look here, my dear bo myself with, at all events. F | George Poona 2. t? my ads shoes! my sli Ae “George (beaming with joy). Oh, Heaven be praised and thanked ae (Breaks down.) This is positively too touching, ia. eh? you| for that! My goodness, so you ‘have! And what may that be, , "remember oe badly I wanted them all the honeymoon? Come and| Hepp, eh? Ai | just have a look at them you may ! Hedda (at the doorway, with su ippressed scorn), Yes, GRoncR, you | Hedda, Bother your old sli and your old aunt too! (Aunt) have the old slippers of the attentive Aunt, I have the horse- } JULIE goes out annoyed, nieeed by FORGE, still thanking her | pistols of the deceased G | warmly for the slippers ; Heppa Ph Ate » GEORGE comes back and Conrgs (in an agony). The pistols! Oh, my goodness! what sleeve hus old apone reverently on the table. ) Why, here comes Mrs. | pistols YsTED—another early caller! She had irritating hair, and went| Hedda (with cold eyes), General Ganten’s pistols—same which I about making a sensation with it—an old flame of yours, I’ve heard. es hersel, ne My 4 . See, 20 Insew—a : | er eren a -room, q ) Enter Mrs, Exvstep; she is pretty and gentle, with copious wavy - (Aco (at yaar ay, shgating after er Ty Pater those | white- — hair and round prominent eyes, and the manner o dangerous things, eh ? y, they have never ‘once been known to | @ frightened rabbit, shoot straight yet! Don’ hd " Have a catapult. For my sake, have Mrs. E. (nervous), Oh, please, I’m so eotly in despair. | a catapult | [ Curtain, ce Orme te oe fed Pein ie e new . ow n’t loo 6 * | it—but I did—he told me so. And, good gracious, now he’s in Bow-Wow! this dangerous wicked town all alone, and he’s a reformed character, Tux Rarxes’ teeth were bared—s mest terrible sight |— and I’m so frightened about him ; so, as the wife of’a' Sheriff twen At the Messenger Compan Now all seems joy {awe older fs I came up to look after Mr. npiene a Do - wnt the 4% the P. Des the Co., vene f the Boy ! ere—then I can meet him. You will? How lovely | Dog in OHN BULL worse of you! My husband’s so fond of him! aiidiaiad af But bes bark is por rather worse than te! VOL, ©,

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———_. [Arnm 25, 1891, | “SP — 3 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AA I, \ || WX, . WW N \ \\ \) ~S AS SLOPED A rye SONS OF BRITANNIA: OR, THE UNITED SERVICE. (Tue Senior Admiral of the Fleet, Srn Provo Witttam Parry Watwis, G.C.B., who was in the action between the British Frigate Shannon and Chesapeake on June lst, 1813 (and took command of the Shannon after the disabling of her Captain Partie Vers Baoxs), cele- the American ey brated the bun anniversary of his birthday on April 12th, 1891. Lieutenant Gaant “displayed great bravery and judgment” (Times) in the defence of Thobal against the Manipuris, April, 1891.)

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Apart 25, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 195 SONS OF BRITANNIA. 1813—1891. Britannia loquitur :— From Boston Bay to Thobal fort Is a far ory, but bravery The centuries, of space es sport. The shot that swept the salt sea-ridges When Vere Baoxe of the Shan- LIs smiting,— nls octets down the years that oat To Thobal o’er the sounds of fighting. Memories of greatness make men great ! , Brave centenarian, you with pleasure May greet the youth who guard our State. You, whose long memories can measure So wide a sweep of England’s war, = Mast joy to see her served as) ———— boldly = As in those sad mad days afar, - When, gazing on her children ‘. coldly, | She alienated kindred hearts, YU Which might till now have beaten loyal. Atleast you both played well your ATTN \\\\\\\ \ \\\\\yy yet } | My sons at least no shirk Fate ety el = a The old peeiye, Guteons stands For the — lag, wherever flying Brave Wa t Grawr, a My sons! Unfaltering, un- dying, grey hairs, or youth's The eoisls proud of patriot Not desperate odds in war's wild shocks — Shall strike its flush to craven Mad-Tor, or “‘mealey” bastion, Of shot-torn ship, or red ‘‘ death- valley,” What + odds Of danger nought I Whilst thus my sons to me can Come what, come will! Whilst cen age And youth in Spring strike before me Let foemen band, Jet battle rage, You'll map my Flag still flying o’er me The Yankee Oracle on the Three-Volume Novel. Ovr le will not stand it—no! Of Fiction. 7 or strong, ttle Though blunderers blind, Yanks want but ttle here below, official, royal, Nor want that little long / May then or now have marred the “ GENERAL IDEA oe (But oh! our (Saxon) stars one wor. “years. gallan Romance is not —— 7 ont P Hittine on A Novet Pian For ovr Coast Derences, Yanks 1) OE es fe SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. Tue Tax-Cotiecror’s Heart. I xwow his step, his ring, his knock, I hear him, too, explain, With emphasis my nerves that shock, That he ** won’t in!” I know that bodes a storm— A summons looms a- ! I follow his retreating form, And note his stealthy tread! Some grace to implore, beseech, ’T were vain ! t him depart ! I know no human cry can reach That Tax-Collector’s heart ! He kept his word. To claim that rate He never called An outraged Vestry. loth to wait, Soon made their purpose plain. I know not how, I missed day,— But that fell summons came. Two shillings costs it took te play That Tax-Collector’s game I own the outlay was not much! But, that is not the smart : ’Tis that no anguished shriek can touch That Tax-Collector’s heart! “Mors zr Vira.”—A fine 5 April 15, at Albert Hall, with Axsamt, Hitoa Wirsow, Messrs. Lioyp, and Warxix Mitts, and Dr, Mackewzrg, as conductor or con-doctor, I should have given, writes our correspondent, a full and enthusiastic ac- Sins oo ene y two persons near m' we and wouldn’t listen. Thank didn’t stay hout the ance. In 4 theatre they'd have been hushed down, but this is such a big place that a talking duet is heard only in the immediate neighbour- hood of the talkers; and then noone wants to have a row during the performance of sacred music. It’s like tualieg in church, QUEER QUERIES. Tue Trrues Question.—I am the Vicar of a@ coun Church in Wales; but owing to the failure of my last attempt to distrain on the stock of a neighbouring farmer, on which oceasion I was tossed over a hedge by an infuriated cow, my family and myself are starving. wish to know if I can legally pawn the lectern, the ancient carved pulpit, and several rare old sedilia in the Church? Or they would be exchanged for an immediate supply of their value in groceries. —U ncEnrT. Awwoyance From Netcusovr.—I live ina quiet street, and my next-door neighbour has ey eres Se aeae ave ried Fish Shop. e of h is boxes pas into my front garden. Havel the right of seizing them, and eating contents, supposing them to be fit for human consumption? My house is per- pouty filled with the aroma of questionable Spt ve as po , for compensa an — Lt bad ge. What should be my next step P—PerrLexen. Deep or Grirt.— Upon my eldest son’s marriage I wish to make him a really hand- some money present. My ides is to hand over to him £100, on condition that he repays me ten per cent. as long as I live, my age now being forty-five. Then as to security. Had I better get a Bill of Sale on the furniture, which he has just had given him by his wife’s father for their new house, or how can I most effectually bind him —Gznxnovs Parent. _ Horrpay Tarp.— Would one of your readers inform me of a locality where I can take my next summer’s y of a month, for £3 10s. mee included? It — be near be eon an moun with a genial thoug cing elimate, Good beating sad bathing. Strictly honest -house keepers and romantic surroundingsindispensable.— Easy To PLEASE, COMING DRESS. (Sweet Seventeen to the would-be Swmpluary Reformers at the Kensington Town Hall.) Vals xy on Fashion you make war, With querulous Book, and int Bazaar, Gees a of the her Light ! We never care one pinch of snuff. No, Ladies Hanzerton and Corriy, Your pleading, like the critics’ ‘‘ scoffin Touches us not ; have we not smiled, Mocking, at Mrs. Oscan Witpe? And we welcome with delight Pooh-pooh! | We're cimly importirbeble = e’re simply urbable, The of Fashion’s a wiisterbe le. The “ g Dress ?”’—that’s all sheer humming, We only care for Dress be-Coming ! ———————————— ceptions, + .

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196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. —————__ [Aram 25, 1891, | MODERN TYPES. (By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.) No, XXV.—THE ADULATED CLERGYMAN. Tae Adulated Clergyman possesses many of the genuine qualities of the domestic cat, in addition to a large stock of the characteristics which tradition has erroneously assigned to that humble but mis- understood animal. Like a cat, he is generally sleek and has become an adept in the art of ingratiating himself with those who wear skirts and dispense comforts. Like a cat, too, he has an insinuating manner; he can purr quite admirably in luxurious i and, on the whole, he prefers to attain his objects by a circuitous method rather than by the bluff and 1°74 directness which is employed by dogs and ordi honest folk of the canine sort. Moreover, he Tikes a home, but— comes the difference— the homes of others seem to attract and retain him more stron ly than hisown. And if it were useful to set out the points of differ- ence in greater detail, it might be said that the genuine as opp: to the traditional cat often shows true affection and quite a dignified resentment of snubs, is never unduly familiar, makes no oe of being better than other cate whose coats happen to be of a different colour. Bat it is better, perhaps, at once to consider the Adc‘ated Clergyman in his own person, and not in his points of resemblance to or difference from other ani He who afterwards becomes an Adalated Cl been a mean and grubb ——s with a wre’ inclination to sneak, and to defen: himself for so ing on principle. It is of course wrong to break rules at school, authority must be respected, masters must be obeyed, but it is an honourable tradition amongst schoolboys that boys who offend —since offences must come —should owe their con- sequent punishment to the unassisted efforts of those who hold rule, rather than to the caleu- lating interference of another boy, who, though he may have shared the offence, is unwilling to take his proportion of the result. Asneak, there- fore, has in all ages been invested with a badge of infamy, which no amount of strictly scholastic success has ever availed to remove from him ; and his fellows, recognising that he has saved his own skin at the expense of theirs, do their best to make up the difference to him in contempt and /; : abuse. Schoolboys are not distinguished for a |//), fastidious reticence. If they dislike, they never i hesitate to say so, and they have a painfully downright way of giving reasons for their be- 47" haviour, which is apt to jar on a temperament /; so sensitive that its owner always and only treads ¢ |’ the path of high principle when self-interest “ — points him in the same direction. The school career of the future pastor was not, therefore, a happy one, for at school there are no feeble women to be captiva by heartrending revelations of a noble nature at war with universal wickedness, and all but shattered by the assaults of an unfeeling world. Nor, s to say, do schoolmasters, asa rule, value the who ranges himself on their side in the eternal war between boys masters. However, he proceeded in due time to a University. There he let it be known that his ultimate destination was the Church, but he had his own method of qualifying for his profession. He was not afflicted with the ion of great muscular st , or of a very robust health. Neither the river nor the footbali- attracted him. Cricket was a bore, athletic sports were a burden; the roug manners of the ordinary Undergraduates made him shudder. How- ever, since at College there are sets of all sorts and sizes, he soon managed to fashion for himself a little world of effete and mincing idlers, who adored themselves even more than they worshipped one another. They drank deep from the well of modern F litera- ture, and chattered interminably of Ricnerrx, Guy pz Maupassant, Pact Bovrerr, and the rest. They themselves were their own favourite native writers; but their morbid sonnets, their love-lorn elegies, their versified mixtares of passion and a quasi- —. were too sacred for print, though they were mes apted to thin and fluttering airs, and sung to in private. Most of these gentlemen were + plonghed ” their ex- amination, but the hero of this sketch secured man has probably but irresistible | if » East- End » and disa for a ti emer an interval of several The occasion was the ina : of a Guild for the Conversion of Musio-hall Artistes, which is to this day spoken of amongst the irreverent as the Song Society. e sensation of the meeting attached to more than one Music-hall, and that, having studied the | life de prés, he knew all its temptations, and was ‘ore qualified to eo whe experience as to the best means of elevating those who pursued it. The details of his story, as they fell from the mouth of | the reverend ker, were highly spiced. His hearers were amused, interested, and stirred; and, when a daily newspaper gave a head- | lined account of the speech, with a portrait of the speaker, the | —— fortune of the Adulated Clergyman (for it was he) was assured. Shortly afterwards his biography appeared in a series published in a weekly periodical under the title of U; Y Clerics, | and he himself wrote a touching letter on ‘The Plague Spots of Nova Zembla,” in which an eloquent oo was made for sub- scriptions on behalf of the inhabitants of that chill and neglected region. Ladies now began to say to one another: ‘‘ Have you heard Mr. So-and-So preach? Really, not? Oh, you should. He’s so wonderful, so convincing, so unlike all others. You must come with me next Sunday,” and thus ually he gathered round him in his remote church a band of faithful women, drawn from West End by the fame of his unconventional eloquence. A not fastidious critic might, perhaps, have been startled by a note vulgarity in his references to events, as well as the tone of easy and intimate familiarity with which he e of Toss whose names are generally mentioned with bated breath, and printed wi capital letters; but the most refined women seemed to find in all an additional fascination. His sermons dealt in ilanguage which was at the same time plain and highly-coloured. He denounced his | congregation roundly as meanest of sinners, To the women he was icularly merciless. He | tore to rags their little vesture of self-respect, | shattered their nerves with emotional appeals, | harrowed all their feelings, and belabo them so violently with prophecies of wrath, that the left church, after shedding gallons of tears emptying their expiatory purses into the sub- scription-plate, in a state of pale but pious po. , In the drawing-rooms, however, to which he afterwards resorted, his manner changed. His voice became soft ; he oil into the wounds he had inflicted. ‘‘How are you to-day ?” he would say, in his caressing way. ‘Is ‘the neuralgia any better? And the dulness of spirits has meditation prevailed over it? Ah me! it is the lot of the to suffer, and silence perhaps, were best.”’ pon he is treated as a Father Confessor of domestic troubles, and | cae young married women that their hus- | i | | | & E ands misunderstand them. It is unnecessary to add that his subscription- lists flourished, his bazaars his missions and retreats overflowed with feminine ye and | : his Church was overloaded with floral tributes. | | The brutal tribe of men, however, sneered at him, and perversely | | suspected his motives ; nor were they reconciled to him when they saw | him relieving the gloom of a generally (so it was understood) ascetic | existence by dining at a smart restaurant with a galaxy of devoted women, whom he proposed to conduct in person to a theatre. Such, | then, is, or was, the Adulated Clergyman. It is unnecessary to | pursue his career further. Perhaps he quarrelled with his Bishop, and unfrocked himself; possibly he found himself in a Court of Law, where an unsympathetic jury recorded a painful verdict against him. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. My faithful ‘‘Co.” says he has been reading the latest novel by “Joun Sraance Wrnrter,” called, The Other Man’s Wife, as the French would observe, ‘‘ without pleasure.” As a rule he rather enjoys the works of the Author of Bootle’s Baby, and other stories of a semi-ladylike semi-military character ; but the newest tale is one too | many forhim. The ‘‘man” is a mixture of snob and cad,—say “4 snad,”—the “other man” a combination of coward and bully, the “wife” a worthy mate to both of them. The plot shows traces of hasty construction, otherwise it is difficult to account for the ‘‘man’s” in- tense astonishment at inheriting a title from his cousin, and the far- fetched clearing up of a sensational West-End murder. My ‘‘ Co. fancies that the peerage given to the ‘‘ ” and the vendetta of the Polish Countess, both introduced rather late in Vol. II., must have been after-thoughts. However, the end of the story is both novel and entertaining. The feeble, fickle heroine is made to marry, as her second husband, the man who (as an accessory after the fact) has been the murderer of her first! And the best of the joke is—she does not know it! My “Co.” has also been much amused by a brightly-written Novel, in one volume, called A Bride from the Bush. Mr. E. W. Honwowe evidently knows his subject well, and has caught the exact tone, or rather nasal twang of our = —-— ~2 & of he,

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| ee OES S SEAT AFP ER EF OS ee ae SUDO ee asa TEaAsas |] - —_-— | Aram 25, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 197 ——— | Australian cousins. My ‘‘Co.” says by pty — gh Ty ticularly pleasant young person, thanks youth, good heart, | and beualy. iesen, it is questionable—taking her as a sample— | whether her “* * would “pan out” quite 0o satisfactorily. On the whole it would seem that Australians who have made | thele pile” by Rapeng Saemnes unk ase Detter 68 6 Ctenso—ny as A It is Go cainien of py Seite © Oo”, Oat Se Cemnden Press series of s of India, has never contained a better volume than the Life of Maye a work recently contributed by the Editor, 1s0oN Hunter. Admirably written, the book gives in the pleasantest form i a most eventful chapter in the History of Hindostan. But more, the pages have a pathetic personal port ‘ierepreea Seed Wen tin iiendes kariners was unfair to the great Bari, as Sir Wi1t14m hastens to say, “‘ at edited Pe oy RE ee | has to our Empire in the distant East. Since Miss Fronence Warpen’s House on the Marsh, says the Baron, I have not read a more exciting tale than the same au 's Tax Bazow px Boox-Worms, SILENT SHAKSPEARE, Dear Mr, Eprror, Tue great success that has attended the production of I’ Enfant Prodigue at the Prince of Wales’s Theatre has encouraged me to make a s ion in the cause of English Art. Why not | SeaKsPEAREin dumb show? The Bard himself introduced it in ‘‘ The | Play Scene.” Allow me to suggest it thus :— Scenz—A more remote part of the Platform in Elsinore Castle, | Enter Guost ; Ly mad, | Hamlet (in dumb show). ‘* Where wilt thou lead me? Speak!” | (In dumb show.) ‘*1ll go no further.” | Ghost, by hosing be hand towards the horizon, shows that his hour | is almost come: w we | tormenting flames. latter part of his description is composed o | his shrinking about the stage, as if vafering pes intense heat. v | Hamlet buries his jue an his * sobs pitifully, expressing “Oho ‘ poke oy by h d th thost repudiates com ion by turning up his nose, and throws forward his hands ; athe, by guleting. Srom his mouth to his a | demands HaMLet’s serious attention. Hamlet touches his own lips, points to Guost, slaps his heart, and | bone intimating that the @uost is to ‘Bpeak!” and he is ‘* bound ear.” | Ghost explains that he te his father’s spirit by stroking Hamuer’s | face, “ ther Pas ons and ign sorted aoe , mapa ogous | music, descriptive of his prison- . ‘e concludes by appealing to Hauet’s love for him by pressing his clasped hands gy heart, and then pointing towards the left-hand side of his son. a jerks his hands passionately upwards, as if saying, ‘‘Oh eaven |” Ghost then asks for rev by touching his dagger, and points: towards the sky. He acts the murder in the pe onieg the serpent who stung him by gliding about the on his chest, like the boneless man, He shows his murderer to be of his own blood by walking up and down as himself, and then in the same way, but with a slight limp, as if he were his brother. Hamlet might here exhibit ‘‘ Zadkiel’s Almanack” as “‘ prophetic,” and slap the sole of his shoe for “‘soul;” for ‘my Uncle” st would be sufficient to produce a pasonbroker’s ticket: —‘'Oh my prophetic soul! Mine Uncle!” Pe. rte ane in tg: Cpe A os apres in the qlee lating apples a singing birds, setting sun, &c., &c. He shows the composition of the poison after is pe Ave] trom a bush, and its arrival in the laboratory. He represents the actual pouring of the poison in his ear. om ee ee Sp Senay the aetion of the bell-ringer) that he was never really mourned, and concludes a most spirited Ballet d’ Action by a rapid sketch of the paling of the Seeftstuel Aree of the glow-worm. As he leaves to the music of “*Then youll Remember Me,” Hamurt imitates cock- crow, which brings the entertainment to an appropriate termination, _ Surely this would be an improvement upon the conventional read- 0 this case where speech is silvern, silence would be golden. OPERATIC NOTES. Manten-—-Toms and Foremost. Miss Eames better even than she was week. Nep pg Reazxf not so diabolical a Mephis- topheles as M. Mavuret. sane Neppy Reszxeé Not so goblineske, and a stouter sort of demon, but of course a ‘‘ bon diable,”’ Wednesday. — Roméo et Julietta, Jacx and Nep vx Resext Roméo and The Friar. Why the waltz alone, which ought to be on every organ besides Miss ames’s, but w strange to say, EA Cards held by Druriolanus Operaticus. isn’t thoroughly popular, should be ooh to make an Opera ; but it’s in the like the proportion of one swallow he as b to vendér haneclf to enlphdvous ond and, however well sung, it does not do everything. It’s a du OT he sday.— C. again ur .— Carmen ' note” chiel to previous notice. Ca composition of a wy-. House not immense. Persons “of y on the e. JULIA same as before; therefore refer and carriage service after the theatres everywhere wants reforming altogether. We may not be worse off than in any other capital of Europe, but we ought to be far ahead of them. ebody or other complained of my writing ‘' Giticx” instead of Som: **Grock.” He didn’t like the two dots; one too many for the poor chap already in his ; so to relieve him and soothe him, I'll write it ‘‘ Gtivck,” and then he ean go to the ietor of ‘* Davip- ~—_ Lee —~ = on ask —- to oe sae oS See #. * in Gricx. I wonder my stone -spectacle’d fau er writes y? tes the name of Hanpvet correctl say £0 correct & person never falls into any sort of error ; or if he does, never admits it. I like it done + he to dots, as ‘‘ HAwpEL,” myself; it looks so uncommonly Saturday.— Tannhduser, Full and appreciative house to welcome the rentrée of Madame ALBAN, who was simply fection and the rfection of iggy 0 the self-sacrificing oes mn Elizabeth, certain -moral point of view, no better imper- sotader,—-tantiatienlie at least, if not y,—of the sensual a could be found than fy ng gud, from ev view, no finer represen yprian Venus oan Mile, Sorta Ravoert. M, Macnet was admirable in every way as the moral he a and Signor Apzamorr the gravest of Landgraves. The full title this Opera should be Tannhduser ; or, The Story of a Bard who sang a questionable kind of Song in the ighest Society, and what came of tt. ine effect at end of First Act, when prancing steeds, with second- hand park-hack saatins, of quite half-a-crown an hour, are brought in, and, on a striking tableau of bold but impecunious warriors re- fusing to mount, the Curtain Then what pleasure to see Albans- Elisabeth receiving the guests in Act IL., varying the courtesies with an affectionate calmed ahen- ever a particular friend among the ladies-of-the-court-chorus came in view. My Lorp Caameer.ain, viewing the scene from his private ae must have picked up many « hint for Court etiquette from stu ing this remarkable scene. coo t of the bards T pus Warren. ! Charming. Great Then how familiar to us all is the arrangemen all in « row, like our old friends the Christy Minstrels, Tannhduser being the T and Wol mactun. Hopest it by all meen. ee eee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprtt 25, 1891, 4y if a Lf / ka / CHIVALRY AT THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. “ Now, Coox, sost you Loox wERE! Loox at THAT Piece or Bacon I’ve susT Given your Mistress! It’s THE THICKEST AND Worsr Cur I ever saw 1x my Lire !—anp Ta1s Piece I’m sUsT Gornc TO TAKE MYSELF Is ONLY 4 LITTLE BETTER!” DLW cy yj La j fir) YY Yi Oh Vf}, y 44 4 Ahi ———_— “PLEASE CIVE ME A PENNY, SIR!” A New Sono ro aw Op Tons. Poor Income-Taz Payer, loquitur :-— Pcease give me a Penny, Sir! My hope is almost dead ; You hold the swag in that black bag, And high you lift your head. Some years é have been asking this, But no one heeds my plea. Will you not give me something then, The year, good Mister G. ? Oh! please give me a Penny! Please give me a Penny, Sir! iy men Ag do ee Because pinch Of dreudfal’ Sobedule I Dd”! You’re so high-dried, and so correct, So honest and austere | Remember the full ‘‘ Tanner,” Sir, I’ve stumped up year by year, An give me a Penny! Please give me a Penny, Sir! My Income is but And the hard Tax laid on our backs mt HOT at all. ut I’m too feeble to resist, And do not like to lie ; nd Sixpence, under wader Schedule D, ** Goschens,” reduced Si eatin Are things I may —y touch, Two hundred pounds per year, all told, Leaves little room for “* exes ; And ’tisn’t only pubiic men That “ lack of pence’ much vexes. So please give me a Penny, Sir! The mysteries of High Finance I don’t presume to plumb ; So year by year my ted ee the: shear, that th amb. But the oft- den worm n will turn ; ** Demand Notes” never slack ; And “‘ Schedule D” fast at twice three, Breaks the wage-earner’s bac So please give me a —— Sir |) “ every day. Mrs, Watrer found that those “SWEET STRIFE.” By an Unionist M.P. Wuen Parweti’s mocked by Haraty, In strident voice and squealy ; When Heatr’s snubbed by *Pawutz, In voice as from the charnel— I understand the windy Wild charm of Waonzn’s shindy. Discord may be m “od When Harmony sounds odious ; Than Jsrafel more dear is Old Erin’s latest Eris / THE IN-KERRECT KERR. Ir was once said that Pianos may now be had on ‘Moore and Moore” easy terms easy terms” involved such pleasures as had no sort of right to If this is the “ hire-pure parchase aysten,” 8 jano-less life is infinitely p ble t comes © its nade and penalties, indeed? Yes,—about as * ‘easy easy ab ving” with « serrated } knife! aureR’s fate should be 4 warning to he piano- am, col, Mr. Punch would fain hope, to System-workers and arbitrary Gomminione

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Arnam 25, 1891. im | If ba FANT ANY N W\ ; i) \ ry oneal en mM. \\ ! “YA cA ee ke a eee - gl hg em. | ea aM Ma 4 a “ eu ee a ae hoa ee © ee —a—- = s 7Z oa +, iio “PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY!” Nexpy Income-Tax Payer (log.). ‘‘ HOPE YOU WON'T FORGET ME THIS TIME, 8IR!!”

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"ny ee >.

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———_ Apart 25, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 201 (Two Views of the Same Subject.) Possrste Romance. Scesz—A Enter Husband, with cat-o’ -nine-tails, with your life’s blood ? Wife (in a feeble voice). Never! but I will defy you to the last! Husband, Then die! (He is about to leave the d Messenger. In the name prisoner ! Husband. Foiled ! (Joy of Wife, and tableau, as the Curtain falls. | PropaBte Rea.itr. Scens—The Church-door of a fashionable Church. Wife bidding adieu to Husband, | | Husband, Surely, now that my name and fortune are | ill reconsider your decision, and at least ing breakfast | yours, you | accompany me back to our Wife (in a firm voice). Never! I will defy you to the last! | Husband, This is rank nonsense ! arm. | (He is about to leave the Church-porch, when he is met by a Messenger from the Court of Appeal. | Messenger. In the name of the Law, re | prisoner ! Husband, Sold! [Joy of Wife, and tableau, as the (Joy of ie ““wHat’s IN A NAME?” | Tar “‘Cony” is feeble, the Bear’s a rough bore, | But Conysgare’s both, and perhaps a bit more! FOR BETTER OR WORSE! Dungeon beneath the Castle Moat. Wife chained to a post, with bread and water beside her. Husband, And now, after ten days’ seclusion, will you make over yeas entire property to me, signing the deed You may kill me, , when he is met ungeon by a Messenger from the Court of Appeal. of the Law, release your ou may kill me, but | You must take my | | | | your Smart New Boy tn Cioag-Room HAS NOTED GENTLEMEN SHUITING UP THEIR Causa Hats, AND PROMPTLY FLATTENS De Jones's Best Sita Torrsr! THE OTHER MAN. My health is good, I know no pain, _Iam not married to a wife ; From all accounts I’m fairly sane, And yet I’m sick to death of life. The path that leads to wealth and fame Cannot be traversed in a day; I find it twice as hard a game, Because a spectre bars the way. _ It has no terrors such . as his Away from which thechildren ran; y, but it ts Other Man. It’s not the | Imeta gi of vision from above. She wasn’t—but, alas! for me, I weakly went and fell in love. Her father was a millionaire, Roy oug! q com » And gave long odds she’d wer Yes.” She thrilled me with each lovely look She gave me from behind her fan, She took my heart, and then she took— The Other Man. Oh, wasI this? And did I that? And twenty thousand things beside— As did I smoke ? and could I play At golf? or did I get the gout ? And-— most important—could I say My mother knew that I was out ? Then two were chosen.’ Should I ‘‘ do” ? Perhaps !—and, just as I began To hope, of course they gave it to The Other Man. All uselessly I’ve learnt to swear And use expressions that are vile ; In vain, in vain I’ve torn my hair In quite the most artistic style. Yet one thing would I gladly learn— ro tell me quickly, if you can— Shall I be also, in my turn, The Other Man ? THE KEY TO A LOCK. (“A lock of ——’s hair, set in a small gold- rimmed case, and said to be an ancient family possession, was knocked down for forty pounds.’’) som lock of tangled hair, A silver seamed with sable, Dim harbinger from dreamland fair Of reverie and fable ; Yes, grandson mine, the treasure take, A trinket loved, if little, And wear it, darling, for my sake, In yonder locket brittle ; Small, as my banker’s balance, smal! And faint—a touching token ; My luck, the lock, the locket, all eens, child, a trifle broken. Investments, boy, are looking glum ; "They flit and fade ; in fine a Not inconsiderable sum Has gone to—Argentina. Nay, chide me not ; one day, refilled 4 these, may shine your pocket, And Fortune's resurrection gild The lock within the locket. Because, you see, when strong and sage You grow, and all the mon F Lights of the great Victorian age With me are quenched and buried ; When other men in other days Walk t—then shall you Submit the thing to such as praise The Past, its relics value. The curl was worn, you’!! tell your friends, By Tewsysow or Brownie (The detail of the name depends On who is worth renowning). You ’ll vaunt that one who knew the grand Victorian Stars, and rather Deserved himself to join the band (Im fact your father’s father), Who, past expression, loved whate’er The market cottons then to, Committed to your childish care This genuine memento. You ll catalogue it, as befalls Your choice, my little gran’son ; You ’ll bear it to the deathless halls Of Cugistrz, Woops, axp Mawson. ou’ ll bless your , | know ; Who, while his fortunes failed, and much Was life’s horizon o’ercast, Created souvenirs with

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— {Apa 25, 189}, i Mai PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS——SIR WILLIAM VARIETY HARCOURT.

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Apart 25, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ————— —_— BACCHUS OUTWITTED; OR, THE TRIUMPH OF SOBRIETY. ( Romance fownded 7 i before the Select (Fragment from a 22 _~ upon evidenc — ore think the be made,” said the “ experiment should ; a on the subject is so imperfect, that pronounced.” Professor. ‘‘Our knowledge nothing definite can be accurately I “True enough,” replied one'of his friends; ‘‘ but although the end to be attained is excellent, may not the means be termed by the scrupulous ‘questionable?’ ” My the over-scrupulous, perhaps,” returned the Professor, with e. * And the expense,” observed a second of his intimates, “ will be no small consideration. If we put the thorough a large arge q matter to a uantity—a mantity of the ‘anid will pe Caen pa pad, of. YS Inet rlekt & beeedin "7 thie supposition oubtedly,” enhanced by the fact rendezvous. They were unsteady as to their gait, their in disorder and their hair falling carelessl impediment to an ey: They sank into three one ually resolved itself into a pee Sey See up the pause caused by the nen-egpensenes ¢ the ——- y pooine Seat. Their emotion was not of long pi as the originator o ex- iment was soon in their midst, He seemed to be in excellent y dear friend,” he said, and it was noticeable that he was prone i ao Sane, ead to eas siagules, 2 let ote ee the latter have been more conventional, ‘‘My dear glad see you all. Hope you well.” , His comrades recei the well-meant greeting with a resentful frown, which ended in further w g- i i i his hand painfal indeed ! “Yes you have! “ This harm in good whiskey—excellent thing, good whiskey! But inju- riverius—should say, injurious—if hes tee much devour of t! Your whiskey too much flavour of malt! You took brandy—bad brandy—too much taste of Fine You took ram—baed ram—too much mo—mo—molasses! Now I took all three—whiskey, brandy rum, but pure—no by-products. No, not at all. Result! See! Sober as j 4 And, succum this point of his discourse, joined his friends’under the table ! LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. March 20. ‘‘ George Hotel,” Billsbury.—Arrived here yesterda afternoon. Mother made up her mind (> eume with me, bung very she said, to hear one of my splendid She bing to a sudden desire for slumber, the Professor, at tab all anne | CYCLING NOTES, He, ‘‘Do you BELone TO Tax PsycuicaL Socrty!” She. ‘‘ No; sur I sometimes Go out on MY¥ Brornen’s Macuine!” subscriptions. No. 11 from a Children’s Meat Tea Fund. No. 12 asked me to subscribe to a Bazaar, and to attend its opening in June. No. 13, from the local Fire and No, 14 from the Secretary of th i i Breed of Bullfinches, recom -

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204 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL Se {Apr 25, 189], ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. pif of Commons, Monday Night, April 18.—So long since Lord Suassumes — company from RictarD Grosvenor that he forgets manners and customs of House of Commons. Not being StaLngiper writes peremptory letter to severe wigging ; correspondence gets into > ge 7 House of Commons, naturally enough, angry. pel 9 = to stand this sort of thing from a mere , even th he be Chair- man of North-Western Railway. Talk of making it case of privi- lege. Sort of thing expected to be taken up from Front Bench, or by Wurreeeap, or some other Member of et how, whilst thing ry! thought over and talked Sexton undertakes to see it through. As soon as questions over to- night, rises from below Gangway, and in his comically impressive manner, announces intention of pu Mownaar, Chairman of Committee would have put his questions and sat down. But this a great occasion for Sextow. Domestic difficulties in Irish Party kept him away from Westminster for many weeks. No opportunity for a Windbag to come into action; now is the time, as champion of rivileges of House of Commons. Position one of some difficulty. Not intending to conelude with a Motion, he would be out of order in making a speech. Could only ask question. Question couldn’t possibly extend over two minutes; two minutes, no! with the ni. bursting ent omens quiescence since —— _ ol EXTON manag mirably ; kept ome eye on Spea w from time te time moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like going to interrupt, Sexton lapsed into interrogatory, which put him in order; then went on again, Jouyn Mowsrar, posing as champion of privileges of House, and so thoroughly enjoying imeelf, that only a particularly cantankerous coul ve oom plained. Btill, it was a little long. “ isn’t Sexton’s funeral, is it ?”” Hancovurt asked, in loud, q “No,” said Camppett-Banygrman; “it was meant to be Sratpeiver’s; but I fancy Sexton will save him from full inconvenience of the cere- himself out. Poor Jon» Mow- BRAY admittedly flabber- ghasted by the interminable string of questions under se .'¥ had a to isguise speech. TAL- BRIDGE got off without direct censure, and Dowatp Cam- EBON abruptly turned the con- versation in the direction of 4 Cameron Man. u : - upon his kindly face, or hear his lisping voice uttering bright thoughts in exquisite phrase. KIMBERLEY sits where he was wont to lounge. K. a good safe man ; one of the rare kind whose reputation stands highest with the innermost circle of those who work and live with him. To the out- side world, the man in the street, Kmueex.ey is an Soy ; some not quite sure whether he isn’t a territory in South Africa. Known in the Lords, of course ; listened to with respect, much as Hatiam’s Constitutional History of England is occasional) he’s away. Se tien, tapes an naiete tie in the Hi the newly filled space on the Bench opposite is of direfal import. The no peer now GRANVILLE is ; the two were in all charac- teristics and mental attitudes cheolutel et, i and vinegar, the ar perfeoted salad of debate. The lumbering figure of the black-visaged Marquis at one side a table talking at large to the House, but with his eye fixéd « sir of old-fashioned’ gentlest” af Hight of bis aati air of old-fashi gen’ t smile impartially on the benches opposite, but his slight bow sure ie se Mite rhaceaee soem ae i ae rib with glittering rapier— is a sight gladden the eye in the House of Lords. Gnanvitum was the emer" ment of the Marxiss; the Marxiss was to GRANVILLE an incentive to his bitter-sweetness. Never again will they meet to touch shield with lance across the table in the Lords. Lycrpas is dead, not ers his prime, it is true; “ But, O the heavy change, now thou art Now thou art dan rm never must return | It seemed in stumbling inadequate phrase that Crawn Kr«seetey, Dersr, and SetnornE we nan their lament. "Bat 8 from different points of view, without pre-concert, they struck the same chord in recognising the ever unruffled gentleness of the nature of Lycrpas—a gentleness not born of & sweet. | ness of disposition that did not unwholesomely cloy. Only Mr. 6. could have fitly spoken the eulogy of Granvitiz. After him, the | task belonged to the Manxiss, and it was a | pity that circumstances ented his un- ertaking it. Business done.—Irish Land Bill in Commons. Wednesday.—Brer Fox turned up to- day, unexpectedly. So did Mavnrics HEALY, even more unexpectedly. Sunday Closi Bill under discussion. Great bulk of Irish Members in favour of it. First note of discord introduced by Wind- bag Sexton. Belfast Publicans, who find their ag my ow > tened, insist ne he shall oppose the Bill; does so ingly, a himself from his party. Brer Fox — y seized the o unity; he, too, on side of the Publicans, who hold the purse, and, poe some of their cus- tomers) is tight. PARNELL lavishly com- pliments Windbag Sexton on his “large and patriotic view” ; hisses out his scorn for the Liberal Party; declares that Ire- land abhors the measure, which he calls a New Coercion Bill. Then, from bench below him, uprises a bent, slight figure, looking less like a man of war than most things. A low, quiet voice, sounds clearly through the House and Mr. Mavrice Hearty is discovere denying Brer Fox’s right to on this «Phe mildest-mannered or any other public question for the con- Man.” stituency of Cork. “If he has any doubt on this subject,” the mild-looking young | man continued, “‘let him keep the promise he made to me about | contesting the seat.” | That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers that rang through House told how they had gone home. usiness done,—Irish Sunday Closing Bill read Second Time. Friday. — Granpnotru looked in for few minutes before dinner. A little difficulty with Seemheeper. Bo di . i —, beard , that i to recognise him; thought he was 4 stranger, bound for the Gallery. But when Grawpo.rnH turned, and glared on him, saw his mistake as in a flash of lightning. ‘Same eyes, anyhow,” said Mr, Jannatt, getting back to the safety of his chair with ell sat awhile in corner a oe his beard, to the manifest chagrin of his jil moustache. ** Awfully dull,” he said. ‘Glad I’m off to other climes ; don’t know whether I shall come wR Nn Ly m ’ I shall refuse.” tchng Mars eres eng tan wa! as . Tie he heart” ovat tno te se ma since he grew it. “ There was a Young Man with a beard, Who said, ‘It is just as I feared ! Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard.’” Business done.—Committee on Irish Land Bill Dropping into Poetry. again. ————— (> NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contribu in no case be returned, not even when accompanied there will be no exception. i q ge) % #& MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rale

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e@aeTsesen eee il & Transl VS FS .RES ae) res — s Bas SBE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Aran 25, 1891. CURIOUS OLD HIGHLAND WHISKIES . 7 10 16 & 26 years in weed, - tos. 48/- 60/- 72/- 120/- An eminent Medical Authority, in reeom- sending the moderate use of Whisky, aes that on nO account should be used unless it is well matu Detailed List on application to MOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. whisky Bonded Stores, /nverness, N.B, JAM-VAR WHISKY, THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. {add If TEZ PALACE AND THE SHIZLING, THE BLST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards. Recommended by the Medical Faculty. DYES & GRIEVE, EDINBURGH and LONDON. THE G. B, DIABETES WHISKY (mtains no Sugar. Is not stored in Sherry Caske. Te DIABETES, GOUT, & EIDNEY COMPLAINTS. “Certainly seems to deserve its name.”—Lanesr. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID, GEO. BACK & CO., Devonshire Square, London. ASK FOR AND DRINK ONLY GREERS'’ O. V. a D VATTED HICHLAND WHISKY. (In Sqvare Bottles.) At 45s. per Dozen Case. Send of the finest Highland makes, which a Medical Analyst” describes as the perfection of Bcotch Whisky, a “ HARROD'S, BROMPTON ROAD, DON, 6.W., and au =e leading Stores in Viclesale Offices, 69, ‘yaar LANE, £.¢, REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND ROPP RAZOR. ic 2 Never Requires Grinding. ry Handle’ 7re, From all Dealers, wih Omonnz, Gannerr, & Co., London, W. 2 Million Bottles filled in 1873. Million » » 1890, Atollinaris “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,” “Cosmopolitan.” Brivisn Mepttan Jourmat. “JOHANNIS” KING OF TABLE WATERS. CHARGED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL GAS. Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, and Indigestion. Mixes ually well with Wines, pirits, or Milk. Not medicinal, but an agreeable health-promoting beverage. SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS AND RESTAURANTS Sample Cases of 59 pints, 18/6, including bottles. JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd., ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY, Waotrsace Sronre— Sta, WHARF ROAD, CITY ROAD, LONDON. GOLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. KINAHAN’S rug. rene ILD, AND OLD IRISH, oslinaee . inp LL en vuitton WHISKY. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. GUILDFORD STREET, YORK ROAD, LAMBETH, 8.2. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. Write to Darlington at once for the NEW SPRING PATTERNS, Sent POST FREE on Approval. PEASE’S World-renowned GROSS-WARP SERCES., Woven in Double Tipente tm Byers of the Clo Pure —Elegance an Wear Combined — _ i in cae Length \ ut, no matter how short. —Any article Soy eee of exchanged within Seven Days — Ali Goods are warranted to be cqual to sampie.— ober Paid on all Orders to any Kallway >tation in Great =, ont to Dublin, Belfast, Limerick, Cork, and Waterfoid. HY. PEASE & €0.’8 SUCCESSORS, The Mills, Darlington. Tondon Sale Room 14 REGENT sSTREBT. LOHSE’S MAIGLOCKCHEN = LILY OF THE VALLEY = 2 PERFUME Af] keoi TOILET SOAP most fashionable in "Geld by all high class 2 ay GUSTAV LOHSE, ser. HAIR Roane AE DLNE Agents: R. son an & BONS, Lowpos. ELD YOUR CHILDReE, D® RIDGES. ve 2.5 ‘s oe PATE) NT COOKED FO” LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. The Original and Geouine ‘' Worcestershire Sanee.” For HOT and COLD low. > MEATS, so GRAVIES, SALADS, SOUPS, WELSH RAREBITS, &c., &o. Bignatu:e is on every Bottle of the Genuine and Original MADE WITH BOILING WATER, PPS Ss CRATEFUL—COMFORTING. COCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK, SULPHOLINE BOTTLES EVERYWHERE LOTI O N THE CURE FOR FRUPTIONS, BLOTCHES, ECZEMA, ACNE DISFIGUREMENTS MAKES THE SKIN CLEAR, SMOOTH, SUPPLE, HEALTHY. PuRRLY VEGETABLE, Per- pote gare less; Will re- dapbete Sib. reventing ite conver- sion into Fat ay, a ot Botanic Medicine Co., ‘Goabeteast Wc. p©. non Acaric’ sits so softly onthe shoul- ders and is so elastic that whilst giving to every possi- bie strain, it is virtually 4 impercepti- ble to the wearer. ARIC Ba Special at- ; y tention is i called also ag clip for sup- m porting the drawers, v ¢. *Vrrrarep paso” The Best Present A WOMAN can give A MAW. OF ALL HOBIERS EVERYWHERE, Wotzeste or 15,16, & 17, Curareive, Lonpon, E.C., and all Wholesale Hosiery Houses. If any diffieulty in obtaining, send Postal as.) to P. Department, Central Depét, 6, PHILIP ANE, LONDON, E.C., and @ pair will be mailed free by” return of post Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. GEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF DOTH BaD AND BROWN LABELS BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER’S INK (DICHROIC). of all” Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO., 10, Warwick Square, E.0O. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPES, Lid., Dultie, LIEBIG COMPANY’S EXTRAOT ov BEEF on exch Jar of the Genuine Extract. HOLLANDSCHE TANDMIDDELEN, FOR CLEANSING THE TEETH AND PERFUMING THE BREATH Tooth Hlixir, 2s. 64. per bottle, Tooth Powder, 64 and le. per xbox. Tooth Paste, Clove flavour, d* 64; Yeppermint flavour, 3s. per pot. Frepared by A. FRIEDERICH, Purveyor to H. M. the King of Holland. Bole Agents: RK, HOVENDEN & BONS, London USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, ~ BEST FOOD INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., 2s., 6s. and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, tonoon, AND SOLD EVERYWHERE. WRIGHT'S. COAL sa TAR =" SOAP are

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aram 25, 1891. THIS SOAP HAS NOTHING IN COMMON WITH ANY 1S NOT TO BE CONFOUNDED WITH THEM British Medical Journal, “ Vinolia Soap is of unquestionable excellence, much in favour with the Profession,” Lancet, “ Odour delicate, and the article of excellent quill “An ideal soap, delightfully perfumed, and the skin has a velvety feeling afier washing with it.” Queen. “ Excellent from its purity, lathers freely, and is very lasting.” ONDEAU Scie Ryland Road, Uy, ; ? § On, The Chemist and Druggist says :—" The ‘ Vinolia Shaving Foam ' is a superfaitcd substance of soft consistence, which lathers freely when applied to the beard, and by its emollient properties acts as a healing protective,” In collapsible tubes, 1s. 6d. Vinolia Shaving Soap |i * It lathers well, and altogether is most agreeable, For those who are interested in the subject of soap, we add, try ‘ Vinolia Soap.’ “s Illustrated Medical New 1s., 1s, 64, and 2s. 6d. per stick; Flat Cakes, in porcelain-lined metal boxes, 2s. Vinolia and Vinolia Powder, each is. Od. per box. Vinolia Dentifrice, 2s. 6d. and 1s. 6d. dj Pumees a — Moone, Beabery, agare, oe pe my yh SL a FL dy hy mo i ig tery yey a hg ig rn ae fhe me a

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er sf sp For we ore AGNEW, & Co. Lo, so, Bouv ree, E.C +i"

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THROUGH USING “ SUNLIGHT SOAP.” I i te possible fora women with increasing years to continue te do iaundry work. Thousands who we have been laid aside under the o/d system ¢ w shing have proved what sunlight Soep ean do in :educing lebour. The cleansing pro- perties of Sunlight soap save years of arduous toll trader, prove Sunlight Soap for vourself, Hy giving the best article a trial, yee will do yourseif a real service. SUNLIGHT SOAP MONTHLY COMPETITIONS. PRIZES value over £6,000. There is noelement of chance in these competitions. SYND FUL NAME and ey on lest- Card for Kules to LEVER BROS. Lew, PORT SUNLIGHT, near b sees. QHD PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET price 2/6. ALSO IN PATENT METALLIC BOX “EXCELLENT—of Great Value.” —Lancet, June 15, 1889, Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. ‘| CONCENTRATED |PEPTONIZED sue == COCOA ano MILK Tins, 1s. 6d. and 2s. 6d., obtainable everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 2, 1891. 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“ert eter BRISTOL I ol the Hair, nd is the ug 5 SPE ‘bildres # ; 10 i he Tee, Dees ror eset

—— Mar 2, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

——— ET SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. A Dusrman’s Sttent Tsar. I xwow not how that Dustman stirred my ire: He may have failed to call when due: but he— My breast being charged with economic fire,— as mulcted of his customary fee. I was informed, at first he did not seem To the cruel sense of what he heard, But asked, ‘‘ Wot’s this ere game?” as if some dream Of evil portents all his pulses stirred ; Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way, Dejected, broken! I had his beer Ah! from that Dustman ! can'sa I did not wring a sad and t tear!

I thought the matter o’er. I vowed no more, That I with grief would moisten any eye ; Henceforth, w er that mom my door, Jpon his beer he knew he —_ . ! my ere full or empty, I that hailed ; teful‘smile;my one desire to win ; T eae Fpl aye san aa ans drew wice eve’ : That Dasteien seemed to brighten with his beer. And, if he wept, thank Hea’ t least I knew a With joy, not grief, he shed his silent tear !

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. [conTINUED.] Thursday, April 16.—On looking through my book I find that I am now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, to most of which | lam a Vice-President. Not bad, considering that my average in m P last year at school was four, | that didn’t play more than half-a-dozen times at Oxford. ToLLanp says there are many Cricket Clubs for me in t an had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter Monday Fétes, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and Scientific Institutes, five Temperance Associations, . four Quoit Clubs, two Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or Chapel Building Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two Christian Young Men’s Associations, three Children’s Free Dinner Funds, one Angling Association, not to of Fire Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass Bands. Haye also given a Prize to be shot for by Veluntesm, as CHUnSON gives one every year. What with £80 subscription to the Registeation Fund, things are beginning to mount up pretty considerably. Have on at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. Tortanp said, “‘ You needn’t refer to Sir Tuomas Cuunson yourself. Leave our people to do that. They enjoy that kind Sing, onl Seow how to do it.” They do, indeed. At our last'meeting, Hortenonx, the Secretary of the Junior Conservative Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in Wpemeding sescintion of ence in me, “Sir Tuomas,” he said, “‘ talks of his pledges. The less Sir Tuomas sa about them the better. I ean’t walk out anywhere in Billsbury for - Le — tripping over bate ey — ney ah of ir THomas’s pledges. It’s getting dangerous. ir Tomas, they say, made himself. It’s a pity he couldn So in a little con- sistency when he was on the job. e don’t want any — roud Radical knights to represent us. We want a straight- man, who says what he means; and you’ll agree with me, fellow-townsmen, that we’ve got one in our eloquent and popular young Candidate.” f went down well. Next day, however, the Meteor parallel-columned” Sir Tuomas Cuunson’s career and mine. Mine occupied six lines; Sir THomas’s ‘‘ Life of honourable and self- sacrificing industry” ran to nearly a column. “‘ It will be yo og said the Meteor, “that there pace hm fo ha Comseratie frend who are Gute equal fo, filing m to his Co ative are quite eq i brilliantly with their i ve rhetoric about his chances of Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a ~~ demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me April 20th, “George Hotel,” B .—The Demonstration yester- day was a splendid success. At ten o’clock in the morning the Conserva-

came with us and sat on of primroses, and small bunches, and at the end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole carried a huge primrose wreath BEACONSFIELD, which stands in and horses too were all tricked Cork, and all the leaders the Club, and the ceremon bust . CHORKLE, lobby of the House, made Taoroven Cuorxkiz, Hopses Leviarnanw Cuorxie, and Rax- potra Cunvurcuit, Corxix.) The sixth, eighteen months old, is a girl. Her name is WittuaMiva Hewarerta Saurrn Cnorxtzr. The all roses, I added a few wale country. Mother’s bouquet kept on, and two or three enthusiasts always comming 8 good many collisions, In the walked into the centre of the hall, sat off the primroses which had been tied all solemnly, and after that rolled over on stuck straight out, pretending he was R to bring that dog again. was a VULLIAMY came down for it and spoke h. Said he had followed my career with pleasure from my earliest years. I’ve only known him uet in the evening. about me in his nd interest and im a year.

NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE! (Extract from the Diary of Parvats Atxins, Prince's Company, 4th Battalion, H.M,'s Guzzlebeer Guards.) Monday.—Joined the Regiment.'' Appeared on Parade, and was requested to come to “‘ attention,” although the Sergeant must have seen that I was “standing at ease.” Expressed =<. a desire that the Commanding-oflicer should . sim rectify the mistake, when all ended amicably, Sergeant apologised, and promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied. Both t and Commanding-officer well up in their duties ! Tuesday.—Bugle too early for Assem- bly. Sent a message to the Adjutant by his erly (with my Wo saying that I would feel much obliged if the Pi were Adjutant ’ pay ~ SEA yy h reason for a . Ex a of mouth) that I Santed to read the —- yom 2 cca tly postponed! as ‘req Obliging chap the u Wednesday.—Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major of | half- battalion (don’t like both the Commanding-officer about every trifle), and explained that, although the Surgeon had seen me, and reported me fit, I had a presentiment that the easterly winds would play the pa with me if I went ‘Sentry Go.” Major thought, per it would be better if I were struck off of Ex Guard Good sort Major of my - eee —forry to find rations tisfactory j ursday. ra’ unsa' ° to the Officer of the day, who reported the matter to ‘ in. Captain said he would have asked the entire company to dine with him at his Club had he not been en He then passed us on to his Subs. The latter most obli y gave us some food at a Restaurant. Chdteaubriand exce on a la Normande decent, but Potage a la bisque too rich. istake x as one can never get it really good, except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of ’84. However, aot a pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you know them, not bad fi | Friday.—Rather a head, and felt ee! out of sorte. Warned for Kit-i i Couldn’t stand so called upon General Com- manding District. Not at home, but was asked would I see his locum tenens? Replied in the negative, as I don’t believe in betweens.~ Didn’t return to barracks, as 1 thought I might breath of sea-air at Southend. Saturday.— Arrested and shall be released with a caution. confiscated. com ive in in consequence.

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1” you s ye ” ’ e up the money somehow, 5: [May 2, 189] | ppies are spread, ’ who seek sleep ce! | a must ; I trust | ‘ pigtails,’ \ te —— <a a + +—— Fr) te. _ , ix Mi emash the Trade i € ~ Peasn’s tales make me creep. AU : —~ 8S : ~ =f: , . yee ~ Rasy ; \ \ coll wl wi “ p25 |!) ah) | hi . : . —/ — oS : —_—,.. = AN Wl aes lll Ee — \ R e opiate head. y dear, graves with replies, ‘* That may evenue bring, some plucketh says, ‘‘M Fog will ** He swears it, fills Fair Lypra But the y Rk Turn me out if Bat—you’ll m Wy fA « 4 SS ey el SS I a M71 / i SS Nga aga Gh i" WV! MOAT 0" om (fp / ’ : Meg ill NN = = J my : a i) “" - af, a f ee, Y In this Garden of Sleep, where white Po Fair Iwpra But now azsout ‘Compensation ror DisrvrBanor!’” Jous Bout (3 = 4.4; \\ —=—— My “lA it 4 \ 4 4 THE GARDEN OF SLEEP; OR, “PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Z a b : : i = x E 3 2 3 = ait

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Mar 2, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PN i) English Art (to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs Wyse 7 hag 7 WANTED——A LOCAL HABITATION. tah / 7 (Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British Art.) . T-te and Agn-w), ‘‘ Now, GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN THE SITE FOR MY [The c Hovsk,—IT ONLY REMAINS FOR YOU TO BUILD IT,” e CHANCELLOR of the Excuzqugr announced that the Government had assigned a site for the new G: of Modern he thought it would be unwise to risk the failure of the gift of £30, 0 whi Ee Ay— J i a gr 000 which had been offered to erect a building.] following replies :— because perhaps they however, I must be excused from nents, dark or otherwise. I find that asking them, Britain, I went to dred best books in the world.” my presenting them to His Holiness. SOMEBODY’S LUGGAGE. Iv view of the intense public excitement aroused by the statement that Lord Rawpotpa CHURCHILL, in his expedition to Mashonaland, is only going to take two books with him—SHxksPeakeE and Moritee —an Inguiring Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons on this subject, and has received—so he saye—the _ 8m,—You ask me what books I should take if 1 were contemplat- Ths questen, ip the chctmash; eal alinoas sshetame te tan SOD SaE q ,» in the a and wi erence to my own per- sonality, is an interesting one, and no doubt human fallibility wa, taking in the case you suppose, induce me to take several volumes of my own Gleanings with me,—not so much for their intrinsic merits, as might form a new kind of literature for native African potentates. Homer, too, of course, At my time of life, grappling with d reland is quite dark enough for me just now. Excuseacard. Yours, W. E. Gr-pst-nx. Sim,—As I am not “contemplating an expedition to the Dark Continent,” and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there seems to be no sufficient reason for my answering your questions, or for your Sir,-- Your question is ridiculous. The onl books worth taking to Africa, or anywhere else, would be a copy of last year’s Sevioe of Reviews, General Bootn’s epoch-making volume, and— \s —Sre C. D-ixe’s invaluable Problems of Greater ny 8 oy bay ary Pm L were a little heavy, the Porg would like to see them. However, circumstances en any new Conti- L-SB-RY, Srm,—I don’t know much about books, I’ve just written rather a gees ene on Cricket, and I think if I were going to Africa I should easupply. From all I’ve heard of T1rpoo T18, I should think he would enjoy the game; at any rate TrPPoo ought to be able to master tip and run without much difficulty. W. G. Gn-cx. S8rr,—Having consulted yp a Cartan M-1-sw-RTH —as to whether there would be any im in giving 9 x08 to your questions, I am happy to say that seem to there would be none, but that on the contrary it might even assist the takings at the Aquarium. I may mention that if I were ing to Central Africa there is only one book I should dream of with me. Thet would bo 0 copy of the Evssustings of Be planet. Yours obediently, Z-o, Srm,—The one book I should take with me to Africa would be Dz, Perens’ recent valuable work—More Light on Dark Africa, - should give it to the Dwarfs. It make tal poisoned arrows. H, M, St-m1-y. S1r,—The only book worth thinkin chout for euch on eupedisicn os you mention would bo Beamusy's I> Darkest 4 Y Ite Maps would be invaluable,—as presents for a rival ’ one might desire to mislead es to his route. Cant P-1-ns, Mr. Herkomer and Mr. Pennell. Proresson Herxomer defends the use of y for the en- ver’s perpesee, and clearly thinks that what ought to ve written, in ksley Hall, was— “ And the thoughts of men are widened by « Process of the Sun’s.” ted | He aleo comforts himself with the reflection that being called over the Yours, W. T. Sr-p. coals in the National Observer, is one of the Pawnxt-ties of success. arom vee a

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208 [May 2, 189],

MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. (Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.’s Own Harmless Ibsenite.) No. IIL—HEDDA GABLER, Acr II, Scunz— The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It isafternoon. Heppa stands loading a revolver in the back Drawing-room, Hedda (loo out, and shouting). How do you do, Judge? (Aims at him.) ind yourself! [ She fires. Brack (entering). What the devil! Doyou usually take pot-shots | at casual visitors ? Annoyed. Hedda, Invariably, when they come by the back mn. It is my unconventi way of intimating that I am at home. One does Listi do these things in you And I was only aiming at the bine sky. ibys Tack —_ accounts for the condition of my hat. (Exhibiting ul. 0 Hedda. Couldn't help myself. Iam so horribly bored with Txs- “i EF crpathcdiselig 0 , 2» bit | rack (sym . Our ex 1s a DI bore. Locke coureh at her.) What on earth made you | all. And then I used this z villa ; and I said I liked it, some common ground, I loathe Tesman, and I and I do feel the want of bly drawing in her lished way of putting things. clude a triple alliance. But hush | Enter Groner, with a number of books under his arm. George. Paff! I am hot, Heppa. into Lovsore’s new book. on confound him! But I must go and dress Judge. @ goes vut, edda. I wish I could get Tesman to take to politics, Judge. i. he be a Cabinet Minister, or something ? rack, H’m! [4 short pause; both look at one another, without ageaieng. Enter Groren, in evening dress, with gloves. George. It is afternoon, and your party is at palh-gast seven—but I like to dressearly. Fancy that! And I am expecting Livsone. [Escert Loveore eomes in from the hall ; he is worn and pale, withred patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an elegant perfectly new visi'ing-suit, and black gloves. George. Welcome! (Introduces him to Brack.) Listen —S hove got your new book, but I haven’t read it through ye Léivborg. You needn't—it’s rubbish. (Takes a packet of MSS. out.) This isn’t. It’s in three parts; the first about the civilising forces of the future, the second about the future of the civilising forces, and the third about the forces of the future civilisation. I thought I’d read you a little of it this evening ? Brack and George (hastily). Awfully nice of you—but there’s a _ party this evening—so sorry we can’t stop! Won't you come | ~ Hedda. No, be must stop and read it to Georg ¢. It would never have occurred to me to think of such resist your “4 for party, “T am a Nor me and Mrs, Etvsrep clever things! Are you going to me for the Professorship, eh? | with a red-hai opera-singer, and being taken off Livborg (modestly). No; I shall only triumph over you i the to the police-station! You mustn’t have him here any more. judgment—that ’s all! Remember our little triple alliance ! George. Ob, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the back drawing-room and drink cold punch. —- Thanks—but I am a reformed character, and have | renounced cold punch—it is poison. (Groner and Brack go into the back-room and drink punch, | be Heppa shows Livsone a photograph album in the r . | Livborg (slowly, in a low tone). Heppa Gaster! how could you | wD sy away like this!——Oh, is that the Onttzr Group’ Beautiful !——Have you forgotten how we used to sit on the settee together behind an illustrated » and— very picturesque peaks———I told you all about how I had been on the loose ? Hedda. Now, none of that, here! These are the Dolomites.—Yes, | I remember ; it was a beautiful fascinating Norwegian intimacy

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

rary man, and peculiar. but it’s over now. See, we spent a night in that little mountain i , Tesman and I! Lévborg. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that delicious moment when you threatened to shoot me down—(tenderly)—I do! Hedda (carelessly), Did 1? I have done that to so many people, But now all that is past, and you have found the loveliest consola- tion in dear, good, little Mrs. Ervsrgep—ah, here she is! (Enter Mrs. Exvstrep.) Now, Tua, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch. Mr. Lévnona is going to have some. If you don’t, Mr. Lévsore, Groner and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too much if you « nce begin. Mrs. E. Oh, please, Heppa! When I’ve inspired Mr. Livnong aired exealons | dors make his ciate ontd ch ! edda, You see, Mr. Livnone, our dearjlittle friend can’t trust you! Lévborg. 80 that is my comrade’s faith in me! I show her if I am to be trusted or not. 0 Now I’ll go to the Judge’s party. I’ll have another g Your health, Taxa! So you came up to spy on me, eh? [’ll drink the Sheriff's health—everybody’s health ! [ He tries to get more punch, Hedda (stopping him). No more now. You are going to a party, remember. [Grorex and Tesman come in from back-room, Liévborg. Don’t be angry, Tues. I was fallen for a moment. Now I’m up again! (Mrs. E. beams with delight). Judge, I'll come to your party, as you are so pressing, and Ill read Gronce my | manuscript all the evening. I'll doall in my power to| make that party go! Coors. No? fA that will be amusing! Hedda. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures! pet Mr. Lovsore must be back at ten, to take dear Tux ome ! Mrs. EB. Oh, goodness, yes! (In concealed agony.) Mr. Lévzore, I shan’t go away till you do! The three men go out laughing merrily ; the Act-drop is lowered for a minute; when tt is raised, it u 7 a.M., and Mrs. Exverep and Heppa are dis- covered silting up, with rugs around them. Mrs, E. (wearily). en in the morning, and Mr. | Lévnore not here to take me home yet / what can he be doing ? ‘Hedda (yawning). Reading to Tesman, with vine-leaves in his hair, I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the third part. Mrs. E. Oh, do you really think so, Hzppa? Oh, if! could but hope he wa; doing that ! ’ Hedda, You silly little ninny! I should like to scorch your hair off. Goto bed! [Mrs. E. . Enter Groner. | George. I’m a little late, eh? But we made such | night of it. Fancy! It was most amusing. Esient read | his book to me—think of that! Astonishing book! (bh, | we really had great fun! I wish J’d written it. Pity | he ’s so irreclaimable, Hedda. 1 suppose you mean he has more of the) courage of life than most le ? t : Fie hhad the courage to get more| d ak tos — Bat, altogether, i hat you | run n most people. But, , it was what you | might almost cae Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to have early coffee with some of these jolly chaps, and poor old Lévsore dropped his ous manu. | script in the mud, and I picked it up—and here it is! | Fancy if anything were to happen to it! He never could | teitagain. Wouldn't it be sad, eh ? n’t tell anyone about it. | [He leaves the packet of MSS. ona chair, rushes out; | Heppa hides the packet as Brack enters. " Brack. Another early call, you see! My party was such a singu- | larly animated soirée that I haven’t undressed all night. Oh, it was | the liveliest affair conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host, | I tracked Livsore home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the house, and cock of the walk, to take the first comes iM. Léoborg. It’s all over. I don’t mean‘to do any more wor I’ve no use for a companion now, Taxa. Go home to Sheriff ! Mrs. EB. (agitated), Never! 1 want to be with you when your book comes out! ie Léviorg. It won't come out—I’ve torn it up! (Mrs, E. rus out, wringing her hands.) Mrs. Tesmay, I her a lie—but n0

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{58 &-rs3 sé

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 209

matter. I haven’t torn my book up—I’ve done worse! I’ve taken it about to several parties, and it’s been through « police- row with me—now I’ve lost it. Even if i it wouldn’t be the same—not to me! I am a Norwegian Rtcnney man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of it al ! Hedda, Quite so—but look here, you must do it beautifully. I don’t insist = ee potas vine-leaves in your hair—but do it beautifully. (Fetches here is one of General GasLen’s pistols—do it with that / Livborg. Thanks! (He takes the pistol, and goes out’ through the hall-door ; as _— ~ oe et ns 6 cn be tin hip te teed, eee it os a a 0 authority 1 rarely I “and you will be enough to “T shall do ing of the a Wife, calmly. ‘I kd Jo i aden cay eee” ** Certainly ! ” was the immodiate remponse ron may my or ww as a matter of fact I didn’t! Pump-handle Court, (Signed) A, Bureriess, Junior.

OPERATIC NOTES. coe OO see Mapame Axpani as Violetta the consumptive herione of ‘‘ La Traviata.” Charmingly sung and admirably, nay most touchingly, acted. MAUREL ex tas G Sen Mowraniot quite the weak-minded masher Alfredo, What a different turn the t occurred ; inton, in disturbed i tell, my Wife, having learned that itioal feeling was rising so high | fhe lasses in the town that it was possible that the Revising-Barrister might be assaulted by either or both of the rival factions, had done her to dissuade me from taki seat, “What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if you | the are brought home on a h ?” she sobbed out. I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my succumbing to such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle raised the sumption dhek the dalim hell Sean beatin, © cat to Ge f seldom, I may say, never indulged. But this explanation did not reassure her, and left me in tears. Her emotion caused me much ee Tcedes domestic treason. H I e cir a species of domestic mn. However, hardened my heart, and sat down to consider the facts of the case To allow the right of seizure to be argued, it would be n to take my Wife out of the custody of . Her

y one unim t word on the label was visible. Was it Pommery ’#0 trés secf—Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not men- tioned in the di , so Mumm” might have been the word. But at all events, if the wine is one which requires advertisement, the guests should be told to be very careful to leave the bottles in the cio icy ko sapped to bo; Co-, om the lage, foomng the mndionce.” ” is su ; #2, “on , facing the audience,” y.~ Rigoletto.’ M. Mase os tp Jester ; acting good, .| voice too loud. Asani, as Gilda, overwhelmed with encores. M. Mowranior’s Ii Duca is Alfredo over only confirmed in a vicious career. To obtain an encore aon but a Rigole hen th ee cont thout woletto when this song or wi a ra) ** bis, bis /” Toe iw Seem, et rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, ‘‘ Good bis-ness. Thur .— Lo in I belli but wasn’t there. Hope the Opera went all right without me. ’t be in more places than one t. Same remarks apply to Friday and Saturday.

TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THFATEE, To see her in Our Daughters ! worth the money ! She ’Aru zx “‘ row” so genuinely funny ! Yes, Auic, in such acting, dance, or song, We recognise thy talent et ton ** ton,” Or the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient ‘‘ Bill of the Play,”

SuaxsPeare, and the t representative of the Ancient Mariner, L.C.J, CoLentper, both observe," Oh, reform it altogether |”

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 2, 1891, — wo), ~ ’ Ms i; 4 rath ,) / J, 10, M4 WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SicCLISTS ARE GROWING TO. ‘Os, On, on! Conrounp IT!” ‘Wat is THe Matter, Avoy!” ‘*I sust tat mY Foor ovr or THE Stiggvr, AND 1H1s Beast or A Pony’s Trop on my Tor!” HYMEN AND CUPID. ( Fin-de-Sitcle Version, some way after Moore.) Hyer, late, his love-knots selling, Called at many a maiden’s dwelling ; a he found too well yr tee bd None were prompter to - im. oe Who "ll buy my love-knots ? Who'll buy my ~knots ?” Soon as that old cry resound How his baskets were surrounded ! Maidens mocked, with laughter dying, Those fool-knots of Hymen’s tying ; Dames, who once with him sided, Openly his wares derided. ‘** Who'll buy my love-knots ? Who ’ll buy my love-knots?” All at that old ory came flocking, Mocking in a style quite shocking. ‘* Here are knots,” said Hruen, taking Some loose nooses of Law’s making. “Pooh!” the nymphs cried, ‘‘ Who can ueer old custom. trust ’em ? We have changed your Who ‘ll buy your -knots ? Who'll buy your love-knots ? Women they bind not, nor tie men. You ’re a helpless er, Hrmuen ! ** When the bargain is completed, We have but to ery, ‘ We're cheated |’ And you'll find you’re sold most sadly. Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly. Who'll buy your love-knots ? Who'll buy your love-knots ? Burdens you would lay our backs on— Our reply is—Totsror! Jacnson!” Hyrmew dropped his torch ; its splutter Was extinguished in the gutter. ‘* At my torch and crown of roses These oung minxes cock their noses. ll buy my love-knots? Who'll buy my love-knots ? What’sthe use? "Twixt Law and Passion, Hyrmew’s plainly out of fashion! Lov, who saw the whole ing, Would have laughed but for good breeding. ' Best bare eT r ‘e..! Chappie! BSEN an py Who’ll buy your love-knots ? r love-knots ? Who'll b Have a spree—all shacks scorning, ! * We won't go home till morning!’ ”’ A BACONIAN THEORY ; On, Taytne rr Ox, Soromon isn’t in it with Judge Bacon. The point was whether Mrs. Maw ey had made Miss Donorny Dewe’s dresses to fit or not. fit or not to fit, that was the question.” adge gave his decision after a fair trial two costumes—this might be remem- on both sides as ‘the aps pe case,” — according to the evidence of unim witnesses represented by the Judge’s own -senseand artistic eye for effect, two of andacloak didn’t fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss Donorny, must consider ay gp nee a ey y had, of course, undertaken to eS Se ane cote, *To and for having customers determined to return ent, by ‘giving Aer fits” if ible, So the parties came before Ju acon, and appealed to His Honour. And the learned J udge mindful of ancestral Baconian wisdom, ** Cast a severe eye upon the ex- ample,’”’—that is, he examined the dresses most critically,—** but a merciful eye upon the per- son,” —for the fair Plaintiff and fair Defen- dant His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as Bacon, ‘‘to give beans” to either party, and so dismissing them with his beany-diction. But, pauca verba,—and may we always have nothing but praise to bestow on Bacon's Essays. A DISCLAIMER, (By an Unionist.) I“ prefer Pannett”? Oh dear, no! is no man I’ve hated so. — But, since he turned a fierce derider Of him he calls the “‘ Grand Old Spider ;” Since he has ‘' blown” the Home-Rule “ gaff And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff ; Since he has almost wiped out Pieort, Half justified the Orange bigot ; Proved part of the Times’ charge at least, And won the *‘ Hill-men,” lost the Priest ;— Since then—why, hang it, ’tis such fun, I half forgive him all he’s done ; T’ll back him, bet on him, and grin ; Give him my vote, and hope he ’Il win. But I prefer him? Goodness gracious ! Why can’t Gladstonians be veracious ? Sm Hewry Locn’s “ Srratent Tir” 70 THE InTRUsIVE Borers 1s MAsHONALAND.— ** Play us none of your ‘treks’!”’ ——

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a) *'S 76a |! car lllllNES>~=>»>=>CElEOFle__= PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 2, 1891, HYMEN, FIN DE SIEC “MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH LAUGHTER DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN’S TYING.” LE.

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May 2 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 213

Halthe. Hetuvursa Kart Besnnarp von Moirxe. Born, October 26th, 1803, Died, April 24th, 1891. Strona, silent Soldier view € * unmarked years Shaped to such ch service of a A State hath owed to-day a People's tears Bedew the most ill biers ! The waning century hastening to its close Hath scarce a on its or of is fos Hope of th na terror of its Of foresight 1 and long-enduring soul War's not greatest ; there are heights Of splendour ee mere warriors scarce may fat, Im-soued controller of such Titan fights Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights As mould man’s after-history. When th Shone clear at eee the nat men goood os and Ang The light that rds of War; And when o’er Sedan thy black Ei _ flew And the bold Frank, beleawed and broken, drew One shuddering gasp of ay and sank, When thy Pee ory ems rank on rank Hemmed the fair, fated Ci men’s love, Then thy star above All but the few fixed beacon-lights, which owned A new compeer. steadfastly enthroned In German h and all men’s reverence, Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence, To the great muster, full of years and fame ! How thinks he, lord of a co-equal name, Thine ancient comrade in war’s iron lists, Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three WCalmest of Ceptaina, at of Sr te of Ca tra’ BIsMARCK a Send d o’er thy aie bier With more than common grist j in ey unbidden tear!

Joxrm AND JouHn.—The Coance.tor of the Excnzquer is following Mr. Jomw HoriinesHean’s example. The latter started ‘‘ No fees” for a and the former advocates ‘* No fees ” for School-time.

Mh iN <

ptt Z = . ~ “N | , , a hi yy °. ‘ . : ] y ; 4% A PROP OF THE DRAMA, ‘* WHAT, BACK ALREADY, Arncare! Was tr A Dut Pisce, THEN!” ‘*Don’r know. Dipn’T stor TO sex. JUST LOOKED ROUND STALLS AND Boxes, AND DIDN'T sez A Sout I xnEw !—so I CAME Away,” J ya

bleeve as sich an all the world, as is to be seen at these anniwersary md festivals | Show honoured Mansh in our nobel Egipshan All at the

some on’em at on this speshal ocash and, shoud I atemt f course I don’t no what sort fopeiainemen’ me. held there when the aincient Egipshuns had it, or, weather they ewer was there at all—for I ain’t much of a heater but, from what I’ve seen of| ‘On Willow! Willow!” Mr. Grace's memories of Forty years o ep I should = 5 Olea, ane - of Fes a Se. and of ¢g oe as there of dress was not m ‘*My Early Cricket Days” wi ugely interest omnes wo coated te-anall — Willow-wielders. ‘Cricketers I have Met” is excellent reading, the Champion being as generous in appreciation as tyme in judgment. On beat the record,” as the | the science of the ease he, of course, e never saw a boy without wishios to give him a k on an of *' Cricket ; by rs” will feel the sores thinks, —_—o the — as Fay children’s dresses and lone says, both for illigance and | THACKERAY = wariety to describe ’em, where | sovereign. on airth shoud I begin ! Bat, as I must begin | athletic lad thet longing to give him a t . I as I shan’t awake the biling| W. G. Gnace.” He hopes that lots of other “ fare all other aaien present when | same yearning, and act upon it. Tree to the two rayther| One of the *‘Co,” separ that he has been reading a work on Mrs. J. 8. H. Gonpon, and a very pretty found it, full of suggestions, ingenious, itio position, ideas from this d Fairys, | Decorative yori i ook that =< ori little ‘aiter, coudn’t help the thort, that they was a and = all at once—a rare combination. noticed as liked to| sooner or later—will gain some inval em all | volume, which, i ote its other merits, is ay Apes creetures, | trated. Before very | we shall all be modern and Lamy hy setterer, just | summon our Slave of the P i

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Ce Se sane Se eee Slest to” instal—and most of us will find ourselves in that EF FE they is| plenty of ecope for imagination in devising

ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN’S FANCY BALL. |Daughier, which she's ¢ Hempress, nas told her son, which he’s the Wet, I’ve said it afore, and wel I says it agane, as I don’t bewtifoo ” her son, which he’s the Hemrrror of Germany, and is a comin here next July, that me and elligan werry loveliest site as the Grand Old Copperash & aise & te becom in him, will be a reppytishun of th» glorious seen as I seed wi my own delited eyes on Wensdy last. Ropert. un can posserbl stories. one having authority. the ance, notwi and Mrs. Gorpow’s book shows us how the

Apa Masonite vj

eee ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 2, 1891, —} ER pe g ye “Vy 4 Sx, ll Y Y UY y (4 , ay? TY a Y, 7 7 * a = " WN WS LORD RANDOLPH—PAST. PRESENT, AND TO COME-—BACK.

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Y Mar 2, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 215 UPON AFRIC’S SHORE; Oz, Tux Batriz or THE Heroes. (Not by the Author of “‘ The Battle of Limerick.”) Ye lovers of the nation, Who bura with i And England’s obfuscation perpetually de- “ef of our factions, How lke ze the transactions upon Afric’s | Sean Ye’ve all heard of boy —_ Who a rival cast his (You’ll find himin ‘Bombastes) andthoughtthe | brute a bore. | Sach rival Leos flourish, And mutual hatred nourish, With s ang aanes Cae, een ADOT ore Faith their manes are always waving, And their claws for contest craving, And = forms are always rampant, and ‘ A - = a at full roar, | n in and morning paper, They still clapperclaw and caper, And they worry, snarl and vapour about | Afric’s shore. There was Emon, sage pacific, The serene and soientifie, ‘ Who a wangeres reputation in a hero- triot bo - ~eeel* by brave —-—y Who recall him weak, unm Oh! ’tis strange how ees « = Nie about Afric’s shore. Then Bartrevot and Trovp, Jzpusoy, JAMESON— a group | Who ry - ‘of each “ soup ’—off each other tried to score ; And in many a verjuiced — STANLEY'S jovial" Rear Colum Was discussed in manner ~ ll anent Afrie’s shore. Then the ‘‘ foreign element” To it tooth and nail they went, And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than before. Now that man, and now this man, Now De Brazza and now WissmMany Cranes Shofuwe Made it hot for poor Old England’ upon “ “: Afric’s shore. Now comes Perens! He has slanged | Stance awfully, and banged IBSEN IN BRIXTON. 7 | The reo eal party badly. It is getting 8) y7,.. Harris, “Yes, WituraM, I've THovoaT A DEAL Bout ir, AND I Fre I’ NoTHING : When, with tempers hot as I dies, "" BUT your Dott anp Dicxey-Birp, anp so I'm Gorne ! ; Heroes smash each other’s windies, ; ra aw ete oo Pursuing of their shindies about Afric’s THE PARTY PETER BELL. _ a it that is delightfal. P Perhaps there is shore. A Porrener, Sir, he was by trade ons ee hey it , Re canto Fe The al oh i ighty fine,” - ad Party Potterer, + — respected, programme whore yy. the Sanitas Company ing wha marsh called “‘ a line,” ev ear, when ng appeared, Limi lar ” P And it does Society’s “* sowl” good (nodoubt)| The be 2 aby to bards cadens’ — = by ¢ namacascaay But "ts folly to supp rappene Disc ste de op4 + sett Terthors tttal wan on tall of lsecary fe He must rush u foes, bay yen sy J t hol! dell,” terest as a cale of old books and manuseripts And hit them on the nose, upon Afric’s shore. - And, upon Ap plete oy toe | Spe ly valuable were copies of Hoelyn' buttonholers made display while, in spite of the the pressing de- Earty Cosme, Movement.—When Mr. pon the heart of Pezxr Bev. mand, Murray's Memows were uncommonly SurrH pro hdaye, fir Romer early on| In vain through each succeeding year oil his his tri he pg a Yet for Tuesdays ¢ ak Frida: BERT FowLer Did Nature mourn her lessening store. ‘s ~s i: d ), tor some time, « ee eae Ag tog A Primrose on the river's brim == urrey'd man. ee times), doth | appear.” But as Falsto. ia, What doth “ hat omaieeee? | A Savor Question.—The general idea of frevity out of bed after wi ute en the f new Opera at the Savoy ; BERT, doughty knieh good advice, appears to be ‘all Dance to SoLomon’s music. : sede hae aarti | amet, Hite a. flail does damn a time j on Pr ich is e Prince o r , or {ing after) daplight doth eppost : Walete Theatre day and night, has much here do song-words and dialogue come in?’ F

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216 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee [May 2, 1891, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, MP. House of Commons, Monday, Apri! 20.—The other week T. C Bagino was sitting among us, one of the Members for the Ci London. Now Baxine is no more, k. night Hvocxs Gress comes in to take his lace. Vicany G. brought his father own; watched him take oath and has undertaken generally to see him through. In fact, when Grens pére hesitated about | taking the proffered seat for the City, Vicary undertook to fill it ; coe, ome Gress pere being me consen to sit, and Vicary > eae, aloe Vicary, when I com- , plimented him upon the fine feel- ae he has shown th - negotiations, ‘I think by od we young fellows love nothing by giving our elders a start, My father, you know, wanted to change the name our firm. Suggested it should toa called Sons & Ax- roxy Gisns. There’s something in it; but on the whole, better Late Member for the City. leave things as they are, AyToNY Ginss & Sons known all over the world ; always em to change - of an old the present, at least, we leave things alone. Come think I'll take you home now. Never rush wildly into new engage- ments ; you've had the excitement of being sworn in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn’t been in the place ten minutes | and before Tim Heary gave you a chance duties on a London City Bill, and that's enough'forone night. By-and- = ou shall stay all night | ran and enjoy yourself in C — on oy h Land B Bill.” So Antony Gines anp Sow went wr Te lh Didn’t miss much ; oping ae at Irish Land “nil, -depressing ex - perience of m life; no —* in it; no tno realty, Suan of Go = Anne’s Gate brings up amendment successive speeches; Seymour Keay ru ditto ; hs A adds new terror to situation by taking voluminous notes which promise illimitable succession of orations; House em ; Proce Artuvr has the fall length of ry 4 Bench on w! to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings ; Members troop in en the hundred ; follow their leaders into Lobby Pave or left, desiding question haven’t heard debated, and mere drift of which two-thirds ea understand. Baer Fox absent to-night, which precludes possibility of flare-up in Irish © =. Tr faithful to his post, but lacks inspiration of contiguity to Brer Fox. ‘ Panwety’s played out,” said Tim, referring’in course of evening to Barr Fox's reception in his latest run through Ireland, ‘‘ He may ramp and roar here, but his game ’s up in ~ - * And is he resigned to the situation ?” Task Trm looked at me, half winking his Ro. preserved!right eye. “Did you ever hear, Tony, what the weeping widow said;to the yarson, who asked, ‘Was your husband resigned to die?” ‘He Es d ter be,’ she said, choking a sob.”’ Business done.—V ery little in the Irish Land Bill. Tuesday. —Mr. G.’s presence at Morning Sitting gave only ae} fillip to interminable Debate on Land Purchase Bill. Buer oX still away, so comparative peace in Irish Camp. Tix Heaty no one to butt his head against; Coronet No.an too busy deploying his army of five men; showing them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell rings, and how, when it is decided to vote, “ shall pass out through one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look as much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T. W. Rossext— Roaring” Rossext, as his old colleague in Temperance fights, Witram Lawson, calls him— frequently on his legs. At sound of his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up; interposes interjections and corrections; and presently, when he can stand it no longer, plunges into a speech. Another time Sauwpensow draws him. ‘I am very ” said Mr. G., who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, roe that the hon. and gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by gross misstatements.” Being there, however, Mr. G. en > cima passably well, he RvsseLt to pieces Frinding SAUNDERSON to powder, fore the Lord StxaTuepEn anp CAMPBELL, = 5 . | been a third less long, and three Pronxet, looking up sm ly = a face in the Gallery, which locks twice as wise whe | man does’ in ful] possession of his senses. **] know,” Mr. G. continued, in mensuped accents of polite scorn, “that the eloquence of the hon. and t| gallant Gentleman (meaning SaunpDER- son) is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is sometimes unprofitable. In the ex- ercise of the understanding which the senenty has given him, he has repre- _ me as being a supporter of this Words cannot convey adequate im- pression of the subtlety of emotion conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented, invocation. An unmis- takeable, though ane, indication of mingled oes ld for one so meagrely endow and marvel that, out of boundless stores, the Deity could, = = this instance, have been #0 chary of oe done.—S8till less in Com- mittee on Irish Land Bill. Thursday. — Rival shows in both Houses to-night. Lords running Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the Commons Budgeton. On the whole, Commons drew the fullest House, to which Joxim descanted for nearly three hours. If he’d taken two, the speech would have times as successful. Still the — comes but once a year, HA * Roaring ”’ Russell. NCELLOR of the ExcuequsEr feels bound to make the most of gen — at for first two hours. Then Joxix It was General Stamps that did it all. Appeared a in long list of details setting forth Estimates for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before of the General; t, at least, he must belong to the Army Estimates. But Joxin | would have him in, spurs and epaulettes, and - tle “General Stamps,” he said, :egardless of gram ** have fallen off.” Joxrm, in his loose way, omitted to say ty off ft what presumed to be his horse. House not sorry to hear it; enough of the mysterious warrior. But he was oP again a few minutes’ later. ‘General Stamps,’ Joxrm continued, in his airy fashion, ‘‘ apart from the Death Duties, I reduce from £6,700,000 to £5,900,000.” Pretty plain sai reduce fhim‘to the ranks at once,” said Admiral F IELD, who is a terrible martinet. But Joxrm took no notice of the gestion ; floundered along, bungling terribly. Committtee tried to help him out ; that didn’t help matters much. To have a Member in one part of the House | filling up an awkward pause by suggesting ** dried fruit,” another | *‘coffee,” a third ‘‘ rum,” and a fourth ‘ * probate duty,” when after | all, Jena was thinking of the Income ;Tax for General STAMP’, | evidently not designed to advance matters. ‘‘The Committee knows what I mean,”. Joxm said, piteously, | looking round out of a morass a little d than he’d been in lately. | But that is exactly what the Committee didn’t do. “Then,” said Joxrm, ‘you'll understand the figures when you) read them in the papers to-morrow.” Something in that ; House | mollified; still can’t help thinkin that if it is to wait till next | morning 'to read report of Chancellor’s Budget Speech in order to| understand his statements, some preliminary time might be saved in the evening. Business done.— Budget brought in. Friday Night.—Missed Oxp Moratiry from Treasu looked in his room; found him in arm-chair, colla place, with copy of Morning Advertiser in his hand. ‘What’s the matter?” I asked. ‘Surely you’ve not been reading Joxru'’s Budget Speech right through!”, He certainly looked as if he had. “No, Tony,” he said; ‘‘ it’s not that; it’s the Leader. Haven't! you seen what the Morning Advertiser says about me? ‘ For the | first time in our recollection he (that’s me) bears on his political eseutcheon a deep smudge of dishonour’: and that’s all because Joxtm wouldn’t take a am! off a barrel of beer, ‘and twopens off a gallon of spirits. ’s the a ustice I feel most coutely. aw ae — + that Mr. Bune should try to intimidate y abusip “It is A Up | said ; ** but it’s no use sitting pager Come along into House: they’re in Committee on the d Bill | Bench ; ,» by fire- ree Wonk eas an hour or two of that il freshen you up.” And it did, fully together in the Gallery. ** Like the Babes in the Wood,” Business done.—In Committee on the Irish Land Bill. tp NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any “we will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressod Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rale there will be no exception. For V0)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 2, 1891. Thoughts, like Snowflakes on some far-off Mountain Side, go on Accumulating till some great Truth is loosened, and Falls ike an Avalanche on the Waiting World. OUR SANITARY CONDITION. IMPORTANT TO ALL. YESTERDAY, TO-MORROW, AND TO-DAY. Yesterday! is dead! To-morrow! is net yet born! To-day! is only yours Say will you let it pass useless away! SANITARY ENCINEERING AND THE BLESSINGS OF SANITARY PROCRESS. AND LEADS THE WAY IN ENGINEERING, AND YET 18 SANITARY ENGINEERING AN ASIATIC COUNTRY LEADS THE WAY. —T* LONDON, in the second half of the Seventeenth Century, the death-rate was & per thonsend in the Eighteenth it had fallen to 50, in the firet half of the Nin th to 26, and it is NOW down w 17) per thousand. England, who has led, and stil! leads, the world in engineering enterprise, and has been the suree £ which the blessings from sanitary progress have spread, should surely be the first in this. At present here is one Fyotecser of Sanitary Engineering, and it may surprise some of my hearers to learn he is in far-off JAPAN | —O. BE. GRATTON on Sanitary Eng neoring, Architeet, March 27th, 1901, AT PRESENT OUR LAWGIVERS DO NOT SEE THAT THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF THOROUGHLY QUALIFIED PLUMBERS ARE FREQUENTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN A MEDICAL PRACTITIONER'S. THAT Health Resort, what atering Place, what Climate in the World, could show resenlis of Preyentible Death like these of the power of Sanitatio IGNORANCE OF SANITARY IENCE, direct and indirect, Coste Threefold the amount of Poor-Rate for the Country aoe . “Be had given as models nivation of aduls life, well-constructed and well-kept Prisons, where of those who came in v ithout well-developed (disease, and not good lees either, the death-rate dit not exces THREE IN 1,000. In Stafford Co Jail the death-rate had, during the last ten years, been actually leas than one im every —not @ tenth of the death-rate sult outsiders.” —Inaugural Address by E. CHADWICK, C.B., on the Sanitary condition of England THE KING OF PHYSICIANS, PURE AIR.—JEOPARDY OF LIFE.—THE GREAT DANCER OF VITIATED AiR. “Former generations perished in venial ignorance of all sanitary laws. When Black —— massacred Hundreds of Thousands, neither the victims nor thetr rulers could be accounted responsible for their slaugh‘er.”"— Times, After breathing impure air for two minutes and a half, every drop of blood is more or Jers poisoned. There is not a point in the human frame tut has been traversed wisonous blood; not a point but must have suffered injury. ENO’sS “‘FRUIT SALT” is the best known remedy ; it removes f@tid or poisonous matter (the groundwork tisease) from the blood by natural means, allays nervous excitement, depression, and restores the nervous system to its proper condition. Use ENO’S “ RU IT SALT. is pleasant, cooling, refreshing, and in g. You cannot overstate its great value in keeping the blood pure and free from disease, | NFLUENZA. —Instructions : When aftacked with influenza, or feverish eold, lic in bed for thre or four days in a warm room, well ventilated by good fire, take ENO’ “FRUIT SALT” freely, and ENO’S “‘VEGETABLE MOTO” as occasion may require. After a few days the marked symptoms will pass away. Diet: Strong beef tea " areas Ans TO ALL, especially to Consuls, Ship Captains, Emigrants, and Europeans generally who are visiting or residing in Hot or Foreign Climates, or in the ited Kingdom. Use BNO’S “FRUIT SALT.” You cannot overstate its grest value in keeping the BLOOD PURE. Without such a simple precaution, the JEOPARDY is immensely increased. As @ means of keeping the system clear, and thus taking away the groundwork of Malarious Diseases and all Liver Complaints, or &s « h-giving, Refreshing, Cooling, and Invigorating Beverage, or as a Gentle Laxative aud Tonic in the various forms of Indigestion, THE SECRET OF SUCCESS—STERLING HONESTY OF PURPOSE. WITHOUT IT, LIFE 18 A SHAM! CAUTION.—Ezamine each bottle, and see the Capsule is marked ENO’S “FRUIT SALT.” Without it you have been imposed on by worthless imitations, PREPARED ONLY AT ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON, S.E., BY J, C. ENO’S PATENT. ENGL m n e) sir - CHAS. CAMERON, M. D., ays — ‘An Excelent Food, admirably adapted to the wants of infants.” ESTABLISHED 1825. Tor INFANTS, NEAVE’S FOOD Ses and THE AGED. BEST AND CHEAPEST. Dr. BARTLETT, Ph.D., F.C.8., says:—* The Fiesh and HKone-forming constituents are far above the average a the best Parinaceous Foods.” | NOTICE.—ESPECIALLY To LADIES, ALFRED WEBB MILES 4 COMPANY, WO, and 8, BROOK STREET, HANOV SQUARE, LONDON, W., Having completed extensive additions to thelr yemises. beg to notify the opening of a NEW FLYING SCOTCHMAN. PEN. 6p ano 1s the Box. _— MAGHIVEH & CAMERON, we Waverley Works, Edinburgh. RANSOMES’ At the Jubilee Meet ing of the H.A.A.E of the produce of the most famous High- jand Small Stills. 26s. the Gall., 60s. the Doses. Cash only. THE REAL “CUP O KINDNESS.” Perfect Kiendings of the CHOICEST BRANDS od) the Highest Classes of Fine Old W hiskies, in the Native ceriye as produced in Scotland, atsclutely eee 4 MatvasD tn Burener Ca A Luxury in Pure Scotch Whiskies tingle bottie os a sample, will be sent post free ny address on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 6d. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO. Kend B, HAKT ST., BLOOMSHURY, W.C. Sed by all leapino Mencuawts throughout Inpia and the Cotontes. yee EERINGS se Co PENHAGEN HERRY ol The Best Liqueur. s BLENDED p~ THE “NEW EASY” LAWN MOWER. The largest sige (24 inch) can be operated by one man. Apply for name of Leecal Agent, and for reports from the Heap Ganpenenr of the Caverat Patece and other Practical Gardeners, to the Sole Licensees, Selig, Sonnenthal & Co., 8), Queen Victoria St, London, B.C. FOR ASTHMA &( DATURA TATULA TOR SMOKING AND INHALATION, VORY & MOORE, London, And of Chemists everywhere. S. o OLD sCOTCH Exquisite Biendings nious in combination— Possessing character so novel and so entirely their own that they may fairly claim the very first place among jude class stimulants Clever judges pron: maps? them “unique unrivalled.” May be yee any Wine Me will be forwarded direct See that the Corks bear the re- spective number of Stars indicat iss | wg :—*** Gold Capsules, | “ Hige Capsules, 45° * Green Cap‘ules, 424, doz B.O.8. is sold in Square White Kottles (6 to the galion), labelicd and capsuled, the quality i notified by asmal! iabel on each bottie Cases charged 2s. per dozen, turned, and Is, RB dozen allowed for empty H.O 8. bottles. Sample Hottle, carriage paid anywhere in the United King dom, on receipt of 4s. 6d., 4s., and 3s. 64. rexpecti vs TI SON & CO., LEITH, English Addresses, LONUON and balaanoron Established 108. lease mention “ Panch” when and upward+ | ~So harmo- | ordered | Telephone rehant, or | ——___—_ ordering.) Carriage paid on orders of One Dozen | G. B LEWIS, Mand 3) JEPARTMENT for the supply of JUVENILE CLOTHING. A select variety of fashionable attire suitable for boys from four years of age, consisting of serge Man o' War buit«, Scotch Knickerbocker Suits, Rugby Suits, Eton Suits. Covert Coats, nverness Capes, &c., &c., of the highest class and newest style, will be always kept in stock ready for immediate use at moderate prices for cash pay- ments. Telegrsphic padreee, Wrees Mites, London. o7. Clo at 2. on Saturdays. “THE GUN OF THE PERIOD.” HONOURS WHEREVER SHOWN. allowed for when re-|@ Price fr m 12 Gals. ; as an ejector, from 16 Guis. Our stock of Guns and Rifies is the largest ia Engi«nd Lowrs Lowetar Sreser, autsousem Hetd. 1960 Windsor, Her Majesty the Queen and H if Princess Victoria of Vrussia cach pur j chased a Ransome Lawn Mower THE BEST in the WORLD?. “New Avtromstes,”” “Oman Avromaron,’ e " @ Woatn,” and “Vort sep ' Mowens, oll sizes to suit pad | fequirement. All Machines sent on « Month's Free Trial aed Carvings | Vaid. Bupplied by all Jronmeongers RANSOMES, SIMS & JET PBRIEG, 4. Ipswich HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. Daily yield 607, 000, qpltens, at a temperatare of 7 to 120° Raths founded at Kath by the Komans in the First Century, The waters are well known as being most valuable in cases of Kheumatiom, Gout, end Shin The Sopereees of Kath have recently jarged and the Bathe et great expense in the Sore one of the greatest Hygienic Y 4 485 THE MOFT COMPLETE ix bees, in the Pamp-Hoom. Letters to the Meneger er receive attention and every information DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. For ACIDITY ov ras STOMACH, HEARTH LN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and LN DIGESTION. fold throughout the World. MILWARDS (alyx-eyed we=x Needles

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- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 2, 1891. + “Pinal ‘Vinolia For Irritation, Skin Roughness, Face Spots, Eczema, &c. | “For acne spots on the face, and particularly Eczema Face for eczema, it is undoubtedly efficacious, frequently Spots healing eruptions and removing pimples in a few Eczema | Face day*. it relieves itching at once.”"—THE BaBy, Pp one Eczema | Spots “For rough hands it is invaluable, and is as Face excellent in the Nursery as it is for tbe Toilet,”— Eczema THE QUEEN. Spots ls. Od., 3s. 6d., and 6s. per box. Eczema Samples Forwardsd Post Free on Receipt of Three Penny Stamps. 2? / Soap. “‘ An Ideal Soap, delightfully perfumed.’’—Chemist and Druggist. “Of unquestionable excellence, and much in favour with the profession.’’— British Medical Journal, ‘Odour delicate, and the article of excellent quality.’’—Lancet. ‘Excellent from its purity, lathers freely, and is very lasting.’’—Queen. Vurorra Soar: Floral, 6d, ; Balsamic, 8d, ; and Otto of Rose, 10d, Suavine Sticks: 1s., 1s, 6d,, and 2s, 6d. ; Flat Cakes, 2s, ‘Vinolia Powder: Acne “ Superseding the old toilet powders, which are r apt to cause acne spots on the face by blocking up ‘ Acne the pores of the skin.”—Lapy’s PICTORIAL, Toilet on Ta _ For Acne “* Vinolia* Powder is an impalpable rose dusting F powder, soluble, of remarkable fineness, and well Toilet Acne adapted for the nursery, toilet, ‘ weeping ’ surfaces, For and sweating feet.’”"—BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL. Acne ls. Od., 3s, 6d., and 6s. per box. Toilet BLONDEAU et CIE. RYLAND ROAD, LONDON, BW. CHINA ano GLASS. PHIL LIPSS TABLE DECORATIONS. 175, 177, 179, OXFORD STREET, VW. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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> civ ~ > wit ie) . I a 4 ol! >) a

Sh ves. NN vy ovaeshean unit 7” \' , - “Ee y N° 2600. Sue ™ CCST ER ees a = oo rer votntiy SE ESD wh > e a Mee 7 He N - > ; BUSY, Fee n@rg J 1K DAS : ae. vat"! Gi! yy 4 ! Ves ‘i \ iN ila Rina : RT DY Oyun il ore ays a . ULesx poe y j Ny \ oe PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, “QP 1A) S AND SOLD BY ALl BOOKSELLERS. -_———s > “

LIEBIG COMPANY’S EXTRACT OF BEEF. Perrecr purity sssoturety cuaranreco. “SBONSd 33GH1 30ING

Kegmeres a ine renern. Kost Vines ass Dewspayer.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Mar 9, 1891.

MISS BRADDON'S LATEST NOVEL. e@ition. Price te; cloth, % 4. Cheap ORE. LIFE, ONE LOVE: «a By te Author of “Lady Audicy’s Scares.” ac The piot ts - time and the suthor makes me oferk to ae = ems her venders he enacts of Ge wares on Weide bar story tarea Lie thing Mies breddon writes, ii is ER Le as in'erest enoagh te ve « goed compan en on . ~ way jJowrne, Gr atl. Datey ie ngrneows and her porte cousty fa | ¢lare fe Bright and indy ike,” —lmee, November 6h - “cme Life One Love ts one of the best of Miss Braddon st stovtee It es ehowtea marder. | di4 aot make cet «hoe 24 ¢ antl) | wae well Inve the second toame andi the expianstion i« wieme.”—l core Landon ven near the end of the thud ovember 13,1 “rwrare & Co, Lomtted

NEW NOVEL BY THE AUTHOR OF “THE TOUCHSTONE OF FERIL.” Ready this day, at al! the Libraries, in 3 vols, poet Pro. EIGHT DAYS: a Tale of the Indian Mutiny. By R. BE. FORREST, Author of “ The Touchstone of Peril.”

Londen: Swrre, Roore & Co. 16, Waterion Placa,

Now ready (Sixpence), New Series, No 96, THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for MAT, containing * The White Com: wa by A. Conan Dorie, Author of “ Micah (lerke,” Chepe 19 to \4—" Chamentz in Mag" In ‘ The Pack "~~" The Greenwood Tree”. ‘Grasse: Its Perfumes and Pictures" A Fiash ip the Pan” ‘heres the Atlantic, ‘Steerage’” —“ Bight Days,” by the Author of “The Touchstone of Peli,” Chops 3) to

Levéon : fwrrs, Ecoen, & Co, 16, Waterice Place.

OCUNTeENTS OF MACMILLAN’S MAGAZINE (Ne. 878) for MAY »— famela; by O. W. Hartiey. English War-fongs; by George Saintsbdury. tp Geutenasy of Boswell; by Dr. Birkbeck ! Some 0O!4 German Humorists ; by C. H. Herford. Types tor the Blind; by |.. W. Carter. Theodore De Banville; by Arthur Symons Schooimasters in Council; by Ff. A. Wright- Henderson Pete Warlow's End; by George Fiambro. MACMILLAN & CO, LONDON ° 298° &FP

NWOTICE.—The price of the Enoutsn Intostaatep Macazina & now Six- pence Net. The terms on which it supylred to booksellers are not such as will ewable them to sell the Magazine at less than the published price. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE For MAY. profuse|y llustrated, price 64. net 1. Proud Maisie. Fngreved by W. *picimeyer, frum tee irawing by Frederick Penuys, in the peserasion of Dr. Joho Todhanter. Front. & The Voice of Spring Lewis Mortis. 3. Ham House. iady Sudeley. liustrated by x. Ww rower & Recollections of Grasse and the Grassois Ma caret Tresen Amherst. 6. Divinaticn ® Daffodil Words by Robert He rem jrawn by heary Myland. 6 The Marerillaise, Henry Herman. 7. The River Cherwell Witham Wing. Illustre- thems br 4. Deane Si mmens. The Hen. BE. P. Thesiger. Chaps. XVIT_—KIX. & Charch Patronage. of Prague 4). F. Merion Crawford. LIiustra- tions by W. J. Meneses. MACMILLAN @& ©O., LONDON.

From al! Booksellers. , [BSEN'S FAMOUS PROSE DRAMAS. U> iform and Authoritative Engtish Editiva. sdited by Wi: tiaw Ancmea. Crown bye, cloth, price Bs. 6.. pr volume y t Del's house—\+ague of Youth— Pillars of Society. Voi. Il: @vost.—nnemy of the People Wid luck. Vol. Ill Lady Inger—Vikings ot He geland—Pretenders. Voi. IV.: Kmpevor and Ga lean

Crown 8vo, paper cover, price One Shilling. ROSMERSHOLM. A .- ama in Four Acts Louden: Watrna Scorr, 24, Warwick Lane. HOLLANDSCHE TANDMIDDELEN, rOK CLEANSING THE TEETH AND PeRFUMISO THE BREATH. Tooth Elixir, as. 64. per bottle. Tooth Powder, 64 aud le perbes Tooth Paste, Clowe favour, de 6d. Peppermint flavour, 3s per pot. Prepared by A. FRIEDERICH, Pur M.M the King of Holand. Role Agu ents: KR, HOVENDEN & SONS, London. yor te MEAL CORMAN

RAZOR RE Dinas Meng a Lee Gan let/® of al Lenles

4:4 not ee how he did it ontil |

A “Fin de Sidcle” Stay THE COMING “TERROR, AND OTHER ESSAYS AND LETTERS. By ROBERT BUCHANAN. Beoond Edition. In One Vol., demy Svo, 12. 6d. Times: “ Displays an exuberance of pungent expression that is itself enough to secure the attention of the reader.” Lendon: WM. HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford &t, W.C.

FIRST—AND—FOREMOST. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR. NOTE, — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & TOLson in 1856; not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has now an equal claim to the public confidence.

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Used in all Hospitals, For Sore Throats, Speedy, Cheap Gargle. CURED in a few hours. Slight Cases cut short at once, “TI Gnd the Condy and cold waier garcie excel Jent, many cases being cured imme- hy.” Dr. T. W. Hamuss. Bock of Directions and Medical Beporis with each bottle, or free by post on application te CONDY’'S FLUID WORKS, 64, TURNMILL 8T., LONDON, £0.

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tie iver (with the Surrey Hills in the dist the tmbankment Ga ah and central! the principal Clubs Thestres, £¢c ‘The room all finishea tosu.t the wis we = ney a A toa the renta's include sli Rates, Taxes, Vem Sarpy. eo) and heating of the (o rider wal ‘sircuses, ard the services of all the P Sates may be viewed at oss — on the Superintendn nt. J.C. 8 Office on the pre: WHY BURN GAS? CHAPPUIS’ PATENT » DAYLIGHT REFLECTORS Natural Daylight, Render Dark kom ant and promote ote & alth , comfort, and «¢ nap Catalogue. or Ex periments free of cherse P. BE. CEAPPUIS & Co., 69, Fleet Strect, Laie

“ADIES” LAWN EDGE OR AUTOMATIC SHEARS. PATENTED. Awarded (after trial) Banksian Medal and Certificate of Met of the Royal Horticuitural Society HIS INVENTION consists of! pair of Shears, attached toa m# roller, which work automatically, 2 will cut the grass edges as fast a i possible to push the machine along advance eatan we Mower wae ower the —. \" y “* XG to admire most, tte ae) Lar) a hae 5 { \ WZ : 4 Se Prt f) z Vy of 4e ma \ fs Pg ‘ een 4 ht ad “W é ram jP- * 4 ’ E z & KC : P SS. Qala Se EF ~™ / DZ, ! ere —_,. — - via ‘ : ae. ¥ ya wa th — —- os oe —L¥ 4 ‘ Or aut Inommoncers, Fioeists & Price, complete, al), ” Or will be sent carefully - -seuente Loxpos, NE.

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— SA — SACK, ome thcing ay Water in ABR Utharaey ——y HOTEL OM iCal B KINGBog TE = UATION URY ws HERCHE DERATE great an advance * It te as = Mower was over the == © “We know not which to admire most, ite ow 0. Mar 9, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 217 — A FIRST VISIT TO THE “ NAVERIES.” ‘“‘Suiver my timbers!” said the Scribe. “Haul down my yard-arm with a marling-spike!” cried the Artist. And with these strictly nautical expressions, two of Mr. Punch’s Own entered the Royal Naval Exhibition, which now occupies the larger portion of the = of the Military Hospital, Chelsea. That so popular a w should be allowed wy Ae large a site amiabili it was, so to s col tele ot ee wers that were’’ appropriated a li | the ground alle over-run by the Nobility and Gentry of the Pimlico Road and its vicinity ; or, rather, by their haughty offspring. This Fm a the tough old sea-dogs of the Admi- ao pos had 203 hesitation . tlies what they required, apparently with- out causing comment, much less objec- tion. And the result? In lieu of the dusty arena of 1890, scarcely enough for a ladies’ cricket- there appears int light enclosure con- taining lakes i 8, pano- ramas, and full-size models of men- ee BR Fs a exclusion ically, pa. their shillzngs at the door, or attempting to get a view of the hoofs of the nautical horses through the gaps in the sur- rounding emery TheScribeand the Artist, having bean ordered by He Who Must Be Obeyed in the world generally, and at 85, Fleet = Street, in particular, to makeasortof ~———= preliminary cruise through the of the (Admiralty) Deep, hastened from the inviting grounds into the main building, with its pictures, its plans, and last, but (it is only just to say) least, its pickles. The first object that attracted their favourable attention was a trophy of arms, representing the fashions of the past and the present. On one side were shrapnel and magazine rifles, on the other flint-locks and the ordnance of an age long gone by. Next they passed through the Arctic section, wherein they found dummies drawing a sledge through canvas snow of a corded North Pole. Then they entered the Picture Galleries called after Neuson and Brwsow, wherein magnificent paintings by Powxxt, full of smoke and action, served as an appropriate background to the collection of plate, lent by that gallant sailor-warrior and industrious collector of well-considered trifles, H.R.H. the Duke of Epinsunen. They glanced at the relics of Trafalgar, and then hurried away to the Howe Gallery, which, containing as it did specimens of the imple- ments used in the game of golf, might have as enqsourintely been christened the WHEREFoRR, Next they skirted a corridor full of plans, and here they discovered that the Committee of the Exhibition must be wags, every Jack Tar of them! This corridor was close to the Dining-rooms, and the Committee (ha! ha! ha!) had called it (he! he! he!) after Cook! (Ho! ho! ho!) Oh, the wit of it! How the Members of the Executive must have nudged one another in the ribs ie gues idea dawned upon them! And how they must have laughed, too, on the Opening Day, when the Guard of Honour, presenting arms, and the “Greenwich Boys” singing “* Ye Mariners of England,” were drenched in the rain! And what a capital notion it was on that occasion to put ‘‘ the Representatives of the Fourth Estate” (no doubt called by them, with many a sly twinkle of the eye, the Bosse Gang”) into 0 pen thet som, to a series of water-spouts, appearance of a ! After leaving the the Scribe and the Artist looked up at the model‘of Eddystone Ligh and entered a shed declared to be an “ Arctic Scene.” Here were reminded by the introduced ship of those happy days of their boyhood - of the Lowther e. Next ted falgar, and revelled in the of a sea-fig Margate the distance to be entirely convincing. and gazed with awe at the lake which is Manwuvring of miniature ironclads. It will eae these mimic combate will hold their own in the coming season nst the introduction of capsized drenched o and police. Keeping the best fsr'the last ibe an entered the model of the Victory—a really admirable tion. There they saw before them the old battle-ship with its E full equipment, as it was in the days of Nxrsox—when that deathless |e tiny remvoduetion of the Battle Mr. Punch’s Representatives, after partakin Hospitality (a purely fancy sketch). -off | the seoond, Both made excellent in | 00-operation of a fine Orchestra, under the Magic Wand of hero expected every lishman (not excluding even those passing the Custom House—as the Committee would say) ‘‘ to do his duty. To make the illusion complete, the great sea-captain was observed | dying in the cock-pit in the agonies of wax. And to think that who | work was executed by a firm of house-decorators! Why, ve his back drawing-room converted would a ee into the quarter-deck of Seas, ond Sis spare bed-room into The Scribe ! and the Artist, on their visit, were invited by all sorts and conditions of men to partake of cham- é. The moment it was discovered iy A *eonnected with the io offerers of pooplteity pee absolutely overwhelming. But, obey- ing the best traditions of their order, they sternly, but courteously, refased refreshment. It is fortunate they course, for had they isinterested F : dignity, and not in a less imposing manner = the Commitioe— Cook's near -rooms — ho! ho! ha! ha! ha!—would probably and amusingly suggest), by Tite Street. SSS AMONG THE IMMORTALS. Mr. Powcu would be failing in his duty to Art and the British Public = if he did not place on imperishable . = jones yn ee eqpeptioneliy Chel liant eademy Banquet o of last gee 6 H.R.H. the Prince of : Wares m one of his best and briefest speeches, in which he feelingly alluded to the late Sir Enoan Boéam, R.A. Never was the President, Sir Frepenicx, more eloquent, or his themes more varied ; for this is noteworthy as being the first time in the history of this annual sguaeuntative gathering that the toast of Music and the Drama has been duly honoured. Sir Arruve SuLtivan responded for the first, and Hewny Invine for ; , speeches, Sir AnTHUR's solo was most effective; his notes were in his head ; he gave us several varia- tions on the original theme, and cleverly played upon one word in saying that music been ‘* instrumental” on various historical occasions. Hewry Invine followed suit ; he spoke of Mrs. Sippons, Sir Josnua Reynwoups, and of LS peg em = entleman, one Koscrvus, mentioned, we believe, by Hamlet as having some considerable time ago, “‘ a man of ” that is an Actor. in Rome. It was a great success. Sir Faepenick then the Lozp Mayor, which may be briefly expressed as ‘‘a toast with a Savory to follow.” For ‘‘ The Visitors,” Lord Justice Bowen, catching sight of the President's classical picture (No. 232), made a happy hit about the delights of a honeymoon in the Infernal Regions, ending in the return of Proser- pine to her mother Ceres by order of the above. Finally, the President, in summing up the losses to Art during the past year, paid a graceful tribute to the memory of Caartxs Keene, who, but a short while ago, was our fellow-worker on the staff of Mr. Punch With a hopeful allusion to the Storage of Artistic Force in the nea future, the President concluded ; but this Banquet of 1891 will long live in the} recollection of all whose privilege it was to be present on so memorable an occasion. MUSICAL NOTES, Isay! Years! Why say? Why not say that Ysayz is « grand Yolinist, since he is this; and, as’AxkY would observe, “* No error!” and whoever says the contrary, is not speaking the absolute trath, but * Yeaye Worsay.” The Yolinist had the advantage of the Conductor Cowen. On the 27th, Heard young Jean Geranxpy, Little boy, but player hardy, Not the slightest Lardy-Dardy, Not yet out of care of **Guardy,” Heard him Lundi, not on Mardi, But, whene’er he plays, your Bardy, Always spry, and never tardy, Will again hear EAN GERARDY. Geyerat Summagy or CantcaTvanrs or Ma. GLapstonE.— ** Collarable Imitations.”’ VOL, 6, Uv

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—$—$—$_

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Mar 9, 1891, ee ——$_$$<__

FASHION’S FLORALIA: OR, THE URBAN QUEEN OF THE MAY. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 219 | Mar 9, 1891.] FASHION’S FLORALIA; Or, Taz Unsan QueEn oF THE May. (4 Song of the Season, a very long way ofter Herrick.) “ London town is another affair Since Hexxicx wrote his perfect rhymes.” Mortimer CoLuins. TrvE, sadly true, shaper of rattling rhymes, London hath changed with process of the times. Aurora now may “‘ throw her faire Fresh- quilted colours through the aire,” But our conditions atm ic Are not as in the days of Herrick. Nathless the Muse to-day may see Flora at urban revelry. See how the goddess trippeth from the West, Fragrant, t h something fashionably The Season waketh at her tread st ; Art lifteth a long-drooping head ; Music doth make a merry din. ’Tis profanation, keeping in, Whenas a h Shows upon this oy Spring, lightly as the lark to fetch in May. Rise, Nymph, put on fresh finery, and be seen, and green ! To come forth like the Spring-time, fresh And gay as Flora. Art is there, With flowing hyacinthine hair. Fear not, the throng will strew } abundant upon you, (kept. When Barlington’s great Opening Day is a ~y thy —_— vival, not wnorept : ut a New Nymph, with footing light, Trips it beside thee, nor hath night ree | vow yy w . of a Water- h, is sti ing, Well to the fore. Pipe up! playin co When Fashion’s Urban Flora goes o-Maying. Come, my CorrNNA, come ; and, coming, mark How each street turns a grove, each square a park, how Made green and trimmed with trees: see The pinky hawthorn decks the bough! Each Bond Street porch, or door, ere this Of Art a Tabernacle is ; Nor Art alone. With May is interwove Seaweed, which Neptune's favourites love. SwIvBuRWE should sing in stanzas fleet, How Netsow may, at Chelsea, meet Aumsrzone! Sound conch-shell! Let’s obey Thy Proclamation made for May. Wild marine whiffs from the salt sea are e skill, straying, And the brine greets us as we go a-Maying. There’s not a London-Teuton but this day Hath a new welcome for the English May. Germania from her distant home in Flora’s train this year doth come. She hath despatched her country’s cream _ Of things, to make the Cockney dream. Neptune and she have wooed and plighted troth, And her we give May-welcome, nothing loth, As many a welcome we have given To France, Spain, Italy! War hath riven Many true hearts, but we’re content Ot Peace to make experiment. Blow Teuton horn—(not like ‘* Hernani’s” braying !)— It makes new music as we go a-Maying! Come, let us go, while May is in its prime And make the best of the brief Reeanhe time. Herrice’s Cornryna might not see An Urban May Queen such as we Behold disport in our rare sun. Rouse, Nymph! The Season is begun! “ ul trast no blizzard, and no boreal rain 4y mar‘ Our Opening Day.” Sound flates To Resect! THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Painter, ‘‘ Wovipd You BELIEVE IT! EXarsiTion !” Tals 1s Tae PicTrORE THEY VR THOUGHT PROPER ILL BE 80 BOLD AS TO SAY, THERE ARE NOT TWENTY BETTER IN THE WHOLE Friend. ‘Dean ue! Is 17 svtca A Poon ACADEMY as THAT!” Pipe, Sir Faepenicx ! Ah, well played! Tootle thy new strains, fair Maid, Blow, oh Briny One, with might! Teuton BauneHILp, get our sight! Fashion’s Floralia, Nymph, imvite our straying ; Come, my Cour, come; let's go a-Maying ! THE HUMOUR O’T! (Namely of Parliament, as seen through Harry Furniss’s fancy.) Atrn—"' The Wooing 0’t.” Liga Joxo makes us laugh, Ha! ha! the humour o't! With caricature and caustic chaff ; He! he! the humour o’t! Parliament strikes some as slow, Lira Joxo deems not 0 ; Visit Ais St. Stephen’s Show ! Humph! humph! the humour v’t! Gta pstone stern and Griapston® staid, Ha! ha! the humour o’t! Giapstone in war-paint arrayed, He! he! the humour o’t! Giapstone “Out” and GLaDsToNE “loa” G apsTonE with colossal chin, Giant collars plunged within, Humph! humph! the humour o’t! Smiru with bland perennial smile, Ha! ha! the humour o’t! Ba.rour, of the Green Isle, He! he! the humour o’t! Haxcovrt, big as Babel’s tower, Goscnen, with a ic glower, Josep of the id- flower. Humph! humph! the humour o’t! How they muster, how they “‘ tell,” Ha! ha! the humour o’t! Woes of the Division Be’ He! he! the humour o’t! Ail—trom Prayers to ‘* Who goes Homet”’ O'er St. Stephens you may roam ; Lira Joxo bids you. Come! Haumph! humph! the humour o’t! Lixa Joxo is a wag, Ha! ha! the humour o’t! All the tricks are in his bag He! he! the humour o’t! He can mimic, he can mime, and act, and—what is prime— Keep you er all the time. Humph! humph! the humour o’t! Wur doesn’t some Musical Photographic Artist of Scotch Nationality compose a March for his fellow Professors and Practisers, and call it “‘ The March of the Camera Men” ? Sare to be popular. An Un-‘* Common” Goon Honrsz, — The Winner of this Year's Two Thousand.

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-_—_—~ 220 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Mar 9, 1891. Acr. Ill, Hedda (e and immovable it on the fire instead. rather—eh? Too bad, you know great work like that. How on earth come to think of it ? ably strong bint. writing such a boo Groner! Your of joy), why, you must be fond of me! will enjoy the joke so, eh ? Norwegian man of letters in a social drama, to make quite such a fool of himself as all that ? George. No, that’s true too. Perhaps we'd better keep it quiet — though I must tell Aunt Jotre—it will make her so happy to hear that you burnt a manu- script on my account! An i I Oh Lor, you know! Well, well! You have guessed it, first time. Mrs. BE. Ob, dear, good gracious! distressing, 1'm certain of it! Brack (pleasantly). That depends on Well, | am cut up to hear that. Fancy. breast ? Do you know, as an advanced woman, I it’s beautifal, really! mind poor dear Mr. Livzore now. if we can't put his to pieces, together again. (Takes a something might come of it. MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. (Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.’s Own Harmless Tbsenits.)' No. IIL—HEDDA GABLER. it—to the task. —in ou did him, eh ? Scenn.— The same Room, but—tt being evening—darker than ever— . The crape curtains are drawn. A Servant, with black ribbons m her cap, and red eyes, comes in and lights the gas quietly and care- fully. Chords are heard on the piano in the ’ Presently Heppa comes in and looks out into the darkness. A short pause. Enter Geonon Tasman. George. | am so uneasy about poor Lévnora. home. Mrs. Exverep told me he had been here early this morning, so I suppose you gave him back his manuscript, eh ? by arm-chair), No, I put [Gzonee and Mrs. E. go into the back Dr k Drawing-room. Fancy! he is not at George. On the fire! Lévpore’s wonderful new book that he read to me at Bracn’s party, when we had that wild revelry last night! Faney that! But, I say, Heppa—isn’t that Hedda (suppressing an almost imperceptible amile). Well, dear Gzorox, you gave me a toler- eorge. Me? Well, to be sure—that ws a joke! Why, I — said that I envied him for , and it would put me en- tirely in the shade if it came out, and if any- thing was to happen to it, I should never forgive myself, as poor Lovnone couldn't write it all over again, and so we must take the greatest care of it! And then I left it on a chair and went away —that was all! And you went and burnt the book all up! Bless me, who would have ex- | Hedda, Nobody, you dear simple old soul! 7 But I did it for your sake—it was Jove, George (in an outburst between doubt and joy). Heppa, you don’t mean that! +m takes such queer forms some- times. Yes, but yes—( hing in excess ust think of that now! Well, you are fun, Heppa! Look here, I must just run and tell the housemaid that — she Hedda (coldly, in self-com . It is surely not necessary, even for a clever es, should like to ask her whether that ’s a usual thing with young wives. ( Looks uneasy and pensive again.) But poor old EJtenr’s manuseript ! ELVeTED comes in. Mrs. E. Ob, please, I’m so uneasy about dear Mr. Léivzore. Something has happened to him, I’m sure! Judge Brack (comes in from the hall, with a new hat in his hand). Something has / hat is it? Something Y 4 As one of my aunts is d takes it. He has lf, it seems jast a little pointed, ch? Hedda (puts her head out between the curtains). All .-y Ill be ! quiet after this. I’m going to practise with the General | GaBLER’s pistol! [ Closes the curtains again ; Gronex gets behind the stove, Judge Brack under the table, and Mrs. Evvsrep under the sofa. A shot is heard within, : Geor pe ey stove). Eh, look here, I tell you what—she’s hit [His legs are visibly agitated for a short time, Another shot is heard. the sofa). Oh, please, not me! Oh, goodness, n0W y any more. Oh! hot h if, and is in a hospital thet eal? shot himself, and is in a now t’s all! George (sympathetically). That "s' sad, ’ h, Hedda, Was it through the temple, or through Well, one can do it beautifully through the breast, too. | e an act of that sort—it’s so positive, to have the courage to settle the account with himself— | - Mrs, E. Ob, Heppa, what an odd way to look at i What if dear Mr. Tesmaw and I were to put our heads George. Fancy! I will dedicate my life—or all I can spare of a Lesa te eit mill ch ais eve? No use crying over m rs, ELveTEeD sit down—jast you and [—in the can't inspire me as E. Oh, ess, yes! Weil back dra -room, and see if you should like it—if it only might be awing-room and become absorbed in eager conversation; Heppa sits in a chair in the Sront room, and a little later Brack crosses over to her. Hedda (in a low tone). Oh, J including Léovnore’s pistol—went off so well! sn’t there a veil of unintentional beauty in that? Such an act of voluntary cou Brack (smiles). Hm!—perhaps, dear Mrs, Heppa-—— Hedda (enthusiastically). But wasn’t it sweet of him! the courage to live his own life after his own fashion-—to break away from the banquet of life—so early and so drunk! A like that does appeal to a superior woman’s i Brack. Sorry to shatter your poetical illusions, udge, what a relief to know that In the e, too! To have beautiful act ! little Mrs. Hepa, but, as a matter of fact, our lamented friend met his end under other circum- stances. The shot did not strike him in the breast—but—— en sola 1 “aiek sy TDi pisto! ight have known it i ay ever shoot straight? Where wa he hit, then ? Brack (in a discreet undertone), A i edde } og ll disgusting | — how ° ’ ngi— vulgar!—how ridiculous !—like every- thing else about me! Brack. Yea, we're realistic types of human nature, and all that—bnut a trifle squalid, perhaps. And — did you give Lévgone your; pistol, when it was certain to be traced by the police? For a charming cold-blooded woman with 4 clear and no scruples, wasn’t it just a leetle foolish ? Hedda, Per ; but I wanted him to do it beauti , and he didn’t! Oh, I’ve just admi that I did give him ee ser ay af annoyin oly sawise of me! NowI’minyour power, I suppose! B Precisel pos non and you know a anything approaching scandal. your past proceedings show that. (7o Gzoror and Mrs. E., who come in together from the back-room.) Well, how are you get- ting on with the reconstruction of poor Lévsore’s great work, eh? George. Capitally; we’ve made out the first two parts eeeed- And really, Heppa, I do. believe Mrs. Exvsrep « “ What! the accounts of all those everlasting bores settled ?”” inepitiog me ; I begin to feel it coming on. ancy that! Mrs. E. Yes, goodness! Heppa, won't it be lovely if I can. | o, you dear little silly rabbit; and while you are trying e back drawing-room and lie down. [She goes into the back-room and draws the curtains. Short pause. Suddenly she is heard playing ‘‘ The Bogie Man within on the piano. , George. But, dearest Hzppa, oe “* The Bogie Man” this and poor old Léivsore has seen under the valance, quiver a little, stall Brack (vivaciously, from under the table). I say, Mrs. Hzpp4, I'm ‘coming in every evening—we will have great here togeth——

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 221 the Prison —the imprisoned the Curtain purposes, 4. You plant a fi begins to shoot EG SAE . &s: s ,'Ss | g2@ RE PB Mar 9, 1891.] (Another shot is heard.) Bless me! a —it’s unsportemanlike stifall the accounts of all those te Being down the poor old enshe- —— >, ith is wi agitated for a minute, and presently and fir? iS take teving bn Sie y Sul ect Genere] Ganune the tablecloth, then looks behind the stove and under the sofa.) What! bores settled? Then my suicide aitsence mae! called Ricnaxp—"ORichard, Oma Reine!” Seeraak , I cannot be trifles, ex Skating Scene not up to date was @ novelty once upon a time, b was an ect Scene, when the walls collapsed q . y.—Boito’s Mefistofele. Strong combination. Excellent. But big “‘ waits” made it —_ r OPERATIC Monday.—Le Prophéte.—Notable performance. Profit to those |i who were there ; loss to those who weren’t. The two Poles, Nep| He then snatched and JoHN DE excellent the Tipster, or and the Swindler. Madame im a RicHarp descended. Nobody h walls, which had fallen, like those of Jericho, to the sound of the trum: carefully, for alteration prisoner, issuing from was recaptured, puialios Deca the & peri- situation, go, at the cli Burns’ Justice is her narrow fire-escape, peg py Ry he among ich makes the Opera “like a house -a- fire.” one to the Impostor, and, at a late hour, we call our cabs, and return to hum ‘“‘ béviam” Pro Arris et focus. AN AGRICULTURAL TRIPOS. PRELIMINARY EXAMINATION PareR. three years running. Can it still havea 1, A Frep is and say all you know about ny , . ae te Picniae Did he use hi ? TeRS, or Pears, use his own 2. How do you extract the square of a Beet-root? I con how much it will take to in the use of the “ What do . Te ghek eater ties . To a dinner. intorioal square a ‘Swede ?” aetna the amet do you adopt when it ? Also give the best remedy you know for corn in he ear, 5. Write a Sentimental History of the Harvest Moon. Is it twice as big as md oie een, ot Sass only look so, after y party in January is attributed REPARTEE TO A SPOUSE, Boru parties in the recent extraordinary abduction where ie Jobe ons cae lt tae ae midnight ie her defending their published statements own line of conduct, The is Mrs. Jowes’s version :— on ee eS ee My Corin, 208 bnew bow tentey I otero sf nn the Mr. Jowns decided that he could no longer keep silence, and has public the subjoined explanation :— ** When I first saw Mrs, Jowzs—then Miss Toompson—her youth- ful grace quite captivated me. Her age was under fifty-six, and mine was just sixty. She-was, in fact, as I told her at the time, almost old enough to know her own mind, It is true that she was wealthy, but that had no influence on my conduct. On the contrary I felt it as a positive drawback, as my domestic ideal has always been Love in a ! But as she was bent upon our marrying, | agreed to waive this objection. ‘*In proof of this assertion I need only say that on the very day after our first meeting, I received the following letter :— ** * Paicetzes AND ApoRABLE Pat,—How are your little tootsy- wootsicums? Did they get wet in conducting me home after that delicious interview? If so, and you were to catch cold in your precious head, I should never soniye myself. Ob, come and see me soon ! Your Own, till Death, AnNortina,’ “* Possibly I may be blamed for publishing this letter. I do it for her sake, not for mine, Even now I believe that, were | left alone with her for an hour, with none of her relatives nor a policeman near, I could her to retract her calumnious statement about the poker. I conclude by saying that it is my belief that her relatives, who are all of them powerful mesmerists, have hypnotised her!” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Why don’t they agree to both names with an ‘‘ F,” and make it Fixtures and Fenpatt. I faney that Fewpaxt couldn't do without the sensational filli Wage a Say i throughout the first ; E 2 Te : ie fics ; : i F or i j gabe it ce | i 4 ti -*-

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~ EE PS TA YE | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 9, 1891. oe wer mmm Ow eee THE ADOPTED CHILD. Moruer Goscuer, ‘FOUND ’IM IN BIRMINGHAM, MY DEAR! DIDN'T LIKE ’IM AT FIRST,—BUTI, SOME- HOW, I’VE QUITE TOOK A FANCY TO 'IM!!” Mus, Gaur. ‘A FONDLING INDEED !—WHICH ALL I CAN SAY IS I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF ’IM!!” ee

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te i te el ~ese reer wv @ & ase | iT! tl =. ere as ae er Co eas eH Oo Fr aw 2 ewe Sal t

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” May 9, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. ~-— TT ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, MP. House of Commons, never |” Groner ELLIor, i moral sentiments ; sits enraptured is undisguisedly grateful when he Joxrm'’s muddle of Thursday night mad silenced by promined logislation eatablishin thing in sunshine-glow q some of the sue for hime erste shears of _ and figures, oxIm’s ingenious : when honest arithmetio fe draw Mr. ‘a. into the a smile of ineffable Tuesday.—Otp Monatity walked out of House just now, his back suffused with sense of duty done, alike to Queen and Country. Irish Land Bill, which, as CaMPBELt-BANNWERMAN says, makes Moated Grange of House of Commons, on again all day. Sacre or Qugew Awwe’s Gare and his Party active as usual. Panky 4 little doubtful of the Sacz. Sometimes, in ra is di - gazing on a on ving, as it were, to pierce ras is I. Oe Sacr’s mind. The eferen enoouraging. applauding him. It is true that to slink ont f the How . 0 ouse, that the P is good other little things, - before Sitting adjourned. o p -emee am would be i mt” to accept the Clause without further discus- sion. Nothing House shrinks from just now more abjectly than from of indecency. Accordingly debate stood over, and , if the Sacer and his P please, and the Closure is for further di of Clause 3. twelve minutes to his modest face; h, and now we'll hang them. It’s the main thing I to. Never forget when I was still in the seminary ce of wens eats os ik. A graphic scene; the raging seas, the crowd on deck, and self-drawn picture of the sole survivor, the one man left to tell the story : bended knees But I fell to on bread and cheese ; For that, Sir, was the main thing. to-night. Orp Moratrry oo spercpeiat Tuesdays and ys for Irish Land Bill. ve been stormy protest led fish of Woman’s Suffrage Bill ; Bill, obviously can’t be utilised for further- ights. This an awkward question for some as Mr. G. beautifally put it. uite in this phrase, a go the protesting agair d , as McEwan said, ity of overwhelming good fortune. good take a Wednesday here and there; but, really, too everyone. ** Fr te at all,” said Mr. G. a to accept the endowment. In meanwhile, the Woman’s Suffrage Debate on Wednesday week snuffed out, and final opportunity of Session lost. ‘I’m inclined,” said Wau. Woopatt, “as a rule, to take kindl views of my fellow men, to put the best upon actions ; but, upon my word, I’m not satisfied in my own mind that we advocates of Woman’s Rights have not been made the victims of deep and dastardly design.” ** Order! Order!” said Covatwer; ‘no more am I.” Business done.—Woman’s Rights men dished. Friday.—Brer Fox looked’ in to-night, and, finding Brer Ranerr absent, undertook charge of Irish affairs. Desirous of introducing novelty into situation, began by patronising Prince Antuvnr. ‘‘ So conciliatory, you know; so anxious to meet the views of Irish Members ; really, Gos ought to ay him half-way, and refrain from annoyi im by unnecessary 4 Brer Fox’s voles faltered as he » and, bringing round his tail, he gently brushed — a tear. Unfortunately for him, Tm Heatry present. Tin jemoed up, and fell upon his ancient chief, flouting his counsel, and iating his right to leadership, Effect upon Brer Fox like that which followed on the flight of the piece of old red which struck in the abdomen a gentleman who chanced to be ng round, The subsequent proceedings no more. He walked out, and was not seen — “* Exceedingly rude man,”’ he said ; ** never come near Tru Heaty but I feel an infinite yearning for a fire-escape.” Business done.—Land Bill again. ‘More Fase roan Wricoms.”—Mar. Goscuzn’s Education Scheme, to the Tories. A Reencent or “‘ rox Lure.” —The Royal Academicians.

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ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Mar 9, 1891, |

RQ -- \ovmenr ENY | BY | gaaerorr

GRANDOLPH THE PRODIGAL. (A Parliamentary Drama too good for words, after ‘' L’ Enfant Prodigue” at the Prince of Wales's Theatre.)

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Mar 9, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.) No. 742. “He's got ’em on!" or, Nanny, No. 199. Decetor Dubitans. “I’m afraid I’ve given him the wrong stuff.” wilt thou gang with me in that new Luke Fil RA suit and those tight boots ? des, R.A, By Phil. RB. Morris, A. oat a , + ee JESS DT acs Grand Combination Picture, “ Liddell and “ Beott !” Liddell (289) b Herkomer, R.A., and Scott (281) by G(ee) W(oa) Joy! “Joy ont No, 226, The Penance of Zwo in the of ome Members of the Woe!” Comedy and Tragedy.) County Council, P. H, Calderon, No. 5. ‘* Long Ago.” Lone (Epwis, R A.) and more or lessof | No. 143. The Right Hon. A. J, oa tad, as seen b natead of * Taken while 7 . ane Ago,” which is egotistical, why not L. Atma-Tapema, R.A. Long Egit or Long Fooit # os No. 147, The Irish Question a2 represented gy Ge Famenece Nos. 21, 22, 23. “* RP ce Mai” = Female). Burrow Lxzicuron, P.R.A.’s “* Perseus and Andromeda,” Rivrkag, RA. (N. B.—' » ‘Royal Academician” and dromeda, Ireland. The Monster, “ Porneliion and Crime ;” = Royal Animal- peaiates Perseus, Batyour. Marvellous ous Monster | Davaioranvs should at No. 27. The Viscount a looking quite Viscount Cheerful. once order a dozen of ’em, hot and strong, for next Christmas Panto- Painted Sor the Grand Jury Room, Lancaster Castle,” the mime. Poor Miss Anne Daomepa,—*‘‘a dainty morsel a croquer,” Catalogue informs us, of their arguing among themselves quoth the Monster. ‘at cross purposes.” Painted by Srpwey_Honazs. No. 148. No possible doubt whatever about this being A Bextiz No. 77. “ On Strike.” Very striking. Who could have painted Faxemax-Mirrorp, C.B., painted HH bate So ee Painters, a Ah! Who but R.A. who has hit him off to the life. the moment when, roy a tly this must #0, been Sntunded Ser o pertselt |as 0 mpostater of the Pemene and oP sateemede tellet Pestions Es r. Drow Boveicavit, but su tly adapted to remembers having seen like it in ‘‘ Old Japan.” ret ,' = Grier, Eeq. a quite No. 201. ‘* Poor Tom’sa /” Lavgsgnce Scorr. Picture illus- dry,” but not “crusted.” Nodoubt whatever of its being the trating the dpertest and cates way of atehing catching his death of ould. excellent work of W (ery) Quaint) Oncuanpeox R.A. No. 206. “* Two's com ce’s none,” observed the San, as No. 112. “ Hanson Hanson does.” blushing deeply, he coat ont away in the far distance. By Mayans No 118, aay Pleased ce Wit promo of y the Oto. 200. the original Pieman met by Snow going to the fair in er. 2 e eman on Artist. 4 very fall dress. Antuvnr 8. Corz.

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228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [May 9, 1891, No. Zot, “init one o'dodk ?* she ould to herself, satioualy. "t| LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. hope luncheon will be punctual.” The picture will be knownas| “ George Hotel,” Billsbury, Friday, April 25th.—Arrived this ** Grace before Meals,” Relightfully ( (of course) painted by Sir Jonn E. Mitta. No. 232. By the P.R.A. “ What’s that?” said one clerica] visitor to his matronly — Bhe read it gat, it thusly, “ | omg / Percy Fone.” “What!” the Clergyman. Then, ing © the Catalogue into his be read * Return of Perse ee s his help-mate, ** Pér-séph-5- nt.” “Te it?” == in a tone expressive of unmitigated inereduli os Then,” she suddenly as a brilliant idea struck her, “ w y isn’t ‘ * tel-éph-5-né’ P” And turning her back on him, not another word on the subject. No. 283. Not C pela but Kindly. Cravpe CaLTHRop. No. 333. Professor Huzley. By on. Jouw CoLLizr. When itia’t the Professor, it might serve for SirGzonez Grove. Bravo, Honour ableJonn! “ Hang him, Jonw Cottier!” (SHsxsPeARE adapted.) No. 390. A Boy to the very life, or a Life Boy. James Sant, R.A. It’s a picture of Master Huen Bunperr Monsr . well this name will look on a cheque for a cool thousand or so,! to see the Hue of health on his cheek is better than seeing the of that Hven’s money. No. 414. Portrait of Author W. Purgro, Esq. Painted by Joszru Morpecat, who has done to Author Pixzxro what Haman would have done to Monpecat, i ¢., hung him. No. 439. mr for Don Quixote. Wr141u E. Locxmanr. No, 459. ‘ollar Day ; « or, Just i a Hae confound itt he s been washing my shirt and spoilt ’em both. Wish I had another lot ready, shat must go to Academy as I am,” said WALTER Leraparper, and finished up with an im * Hang it! wo wy will,” replied the Artist, Jon Poa, No. 544. Josephine Grimaldina ; or, "Female Clown, “ “next novelty in Pantomime, dedicated to the author and composer of L’ Enfant Prodigue. Jouw 8. Sancenrt. No. 667. Feeling his Bumps; or, Phrenology in the Olden Time.” Eawxet Noxmanp. No. 651. Gentleman ready for riding, but no spurs. ‘* Where the deuce have I put them?” he is evidently saying. “All As that. Can't find ’em anywhere!” A picture which quite its own (Jviian) Story.

THE RIGHTS AND WRONGS OF LABOUR. (At the service of the Ch-nc-ll-r of the Exch-qu-r, if he purposes writing a Prophetic -) Macavtar’s New Zealander had arrived turely. London Bridge was not reduced to its centre pier, Bt. Paul's “Cathedral was an uneanny look about | to was certainly not in ruins. Still town. On the Embankment electric nana were We notion they seemed to be little patronised. Here and there he leisurely going his way, oe the side- ae all intents and pespees, abandoned. At ee he reat, upon which was sprawling a Typical Working Man. 1 New Zealander gave this ——— } vidual ** Good morning,” and made some common-place remar' em the weather. ** Fine day!” returned the T. rather surlily. what does it matter to me ? If it E, Pie ahener’ if it don’t, why I don’t either.” “Tama stranger seeking for information,” the New Zealander; * so I am sure ou will excuse me if I ask you how much | tailor do you pey for your house Pay for my house!” ejaculated the T. W.M. ‘‘ Why, nothing of course! And I pay nothing too for my sons at Oxf and the girls at Cambridge. And I get my clothes free, and my food comes gratuitously. Why, you must be a stranger if ala don’t know that! Why everything and anything is paid by the Government— out of the Income Tax. ., And don't you ever work ?” “Work! bless you, no. I can’t afford to work! If story of amp oy ene Clothes ?—when they all cried, eae To's pt hadn’t. That Invisible Trousers should exist is qui waite eee y stretch of imagination without any further stretcher.— ours, Tae Day Wartcuman.

La Traviata. She expressed her two ene nda. ge = verted 7)

Traviata’ s- the poet’s line about

CH NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or there will be no exception. Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, in no case be returned, net even when sccompanied by a Stamped and Addressed En oe Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

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are 3° Se“-—“s Beer eerri«as here aeae 42 T = - @& eet orc @&@t * So Prre + tt ee eS e+ 7, wePewn ¢ OF ov ee aS & Twa aS PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 9, 1891. i. aD ogee ~ BURIOUS OLD HIGHLAND WHISKIES >. PA Pes per fen. 48/- 60/- Th Soe cea wOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. Whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.8. res dec Ne List on application te (LIMITED), Tor DIABETES, GEO. DIABETES WHISKY Contains no Sugar. Is not stored in Sherry Caske. ' Certainly seems to dqeserve ite nome.”—Lancsg, 48. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID, Devonshire Square, THE G. B. OOU8, & SIDMEY COMPLAINTS, BACK & CO Londo O. 4 diend of the “ Medical Analys LONDOS, 6. W ASK FOR AND DRINK ONLY GREERS' OLO VATTED HIGHLAND WHISKY. (Te *qvere Bottles) At 45s. per Dogen Case. fo4 ot HARRODS, BROMPTON PR *g Stores Wholessle Offices, 69, MARE LAYS, 8.¢, Ch. fine t Highisnd +’ dene Abee bs Gee pattectin af , Sud all the leadic London FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGHE, taTRONIZED ee rare OI eY THe 4 Beal Seg Bath in your ows Boom. TIDMAN'S SEA SALT. ROYAL FAMILY, of Worthless Imitation RYLANDS'’ DACCA CALICOES ARE THE BEST. ee “ Quod Actes A pollinaris “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,” “The best beverage,” ab Omnibus Quod Ubigue.” TrutTs. CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE FRY’S PURE “1 consider it § very rich, delicious Cocoa,” —W. HB, STANLEY, &,D, COCOA COLT’S NEW UNITED STATES WAVY REVOLVER for Military Purposes, ees pore and Smell G Kn INE PLES, Target Prac tier ae engurpee: efor seousayy and led lity of fire bi 28, Glasshouse &t.. i London all Egguisite Model. Perfect Fit. Guaranteed Wear. mY ¢ fl pa sa Ot gplit in Beem: tear u ‘The set er _- "6 Pier Made in White Rg and all bie Colours = 5 fetis. is the new ry’ oollen tu vps ui, wh ofl, 7/l upwea ihe} Pre Davee Trace Goin Mepats. united os bie be =e ee isi t a oh i Rr ~ thbt the HOOPING "GOUGH, CRO o—v. ACAD, ° tea & Co * North Wille am Street, New York—Pove ALUANS ANTIEFAT Puse.y VeoeTss.e. Per Cloth, fog f ws Soing opal LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. The Origiza! and Genuine ‘ Worcestershire Sauce.” For HOT and GOLD pili nage MEATS, GRAVIES, SALADS, &c., &a, Bignatuse Wom story Baste of the Genutag C. BRANDAUER & 60,'8| 84 CIRCULAR POINTED “= PENS Bag A arog Medsle awarded. hee ng ST -) » drawn ts Assorted Rekiple hon of either pert far 7 stemps from the Works Niemsbeeed BeNZINE COLLAS. . A arm BE tA "JOHANNIS KING OF TABLE WATERS. GMARGED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL CAS. Prevents “ind Rheomation, and Mixes oon with Wines, , or Milk. Bet medicinal, but os Aegon able health-promoting SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS AND RKESTAURANTS Gample Cages of 69 plats, 16/6, including bottles, JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd., ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. Waoirsste Sroane— $e. WHARF KOAD. CITY ROAD, LONDON. —For ARTISTS. iY GUOD MEDIUM & Pe ~~ atte ns ,Gause Linergsta, ty, Cards _ Leather, hee COLLAS.—Ask for‘ ‘Collen GLUVE» a OLR ANS DRESSKA, Rs TAK Paint, pauas s kom FURNITURE. CLOTH, & nv, A. oorg every @ her » - ‘ve, Agents: J B.irore we, i“ A. ord 4 4 Maps WITH BOILING WATER. Epp s’'s CRATEFUL—OOMFORTING, 0 OCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK, LOHSE’S 3 giceal J = LILY OF FUM = yenes T Sold by oll ngh closs Ferfumers. GUSTAV LOHSE, sertin. .| VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. What will Restore the HAIR OF YOUTH? Nude Veritas—-Naked Truth. Beane rt ge Pi nthe bef 3 LAR , ican %, Moan Medicine, Sew st. W.6 | Gold Medals, *— ete ee oo 10m 40" - JOSEPH GILLOTT’S PENS, Sony Son oe ts ion, Shade, ond ‘Sonat Paris, ‘1878: | | sau INE LINE. censectiy eats Fold oy Peckinon jets throughout Aponte: BR. movennun 4 & FONE Loreen i EXSHAW & w tek Cathe cra ial im pe re rT ‘v. “ue egent Btre SAVAR’S Ca ane 8 Ind biwe myer Sir npest "Cough. hs See achitie CUBEB ees are a Mm - Ko CIGARETTES, .. WRIGHT $s “COALS TAR: 225, 226, 262. Pm ene, eT eS Ts ad wr SOAP

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 9, 1891. j| | The Zonest cays: vat AWARD, Adelaide, 1837. : —* Would be ss “ | similated with | great ease.” | The London Modi- | ol Record enys .— . 0 “Tt is retained when al) other finer | foods are 1A | othing be tak =: 8 aa ni i Lal \}82?2 > i ry iT; jected.” BETAIL I TING, is. 64, Oe. C4, Oe, ad _ ae dm kc., everywhere. WHOLESALE OF ALL WHOLESALE 2B would diet" | HEALTHY BEDDING. : “It is absolutely essential to health that all materials used in Bedding should be thoroughly purified.” } , BOOTH & FOX’S i$. & FEATHERS For BEDS, BOLSTERS, and PILLOWS, possess this — A Leading Professor of Chemistry states :— “TI have examined the Machinery employed by f Messrs. Booth & Fox in purifying, and have & myself carried out the process on a small scale. It answers perfectly, and destroys any germs of moth life, besides removing all other impurities.” | CAN BE ORDERED FROM ALL FIRST-CLASS BEDDING MANUFACTURERS THROUGHOUT THE KINGDOM. WAREHOUSES él, HATTON CARER LONDON, AND PICCADILLY, MANCHESTER ESTABL ssHED OVER SIXTY YEARS, SHIPPERS AND THE _ TRADE ONLY SUPPLIED. Le an, Satis eae Day. PVveLterte © eveny PIANOFORTE MAKERS 10 mt R.H. THE PRINCESS OF WALES. , Oatimsmeadl oianos ff “THE PERFECTION OF TOUCH AND TONE” Lists Free, and of the principal Music Sellers throughout the World, : Sei ONIN BRINSMEAD & SONS, 18, 20, and 22, Wigmore Street, Leste ®: ¥. CADBURY” S_ COCOASABSOLUTELY PURE, rina BEST. —s Se SOO COARNTE On OY POeRa Of Coven of Chocolate 1s 2 guarantee of purity.’ Aap eee 1 Printed by Willinm Stuart Reet, County Printing O@@ee of Maser. Bradbary, 4 Lamsset, hom bard oireet in ihe Se Ny bay bh o Pesloh of 5 of 64 Bride, City pA. --3 rie” _— $$$ —$__—____— => # £4

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Satis eDay. evenyv “ That delightful artist and unsurpassed student of character. Never have the humours of the life of certain classes of English- men been seized with such unerring grasp as in his works; never have they been arrested with more masterly artistic sill” —Sin Frepericx Leicuton, P.R.A. CHARLES KEENE. Pictures from Punch A SELECTION OF 400 SKETCHES. A Fine Royal Quarto Volume. Price 21/-. Baavaury, y. AcNaw. & Co. b

FP veut earte © a iy iN $ek AG KS \ = elk | {i,, on Fi Ww (TD, Ps He em i) a Uys > } 4, te s r . AND SOLD BY PUNCH OFFICK, 85, FLEET STREET, “=< le * taf il ut All Ht 1 ' } , a Lili ae SS i re ee es Sa SS rH SPER RABIN. | MRE 5 OM 14 Wii ALL BOOKSELLERS.

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BADMINTON LIBRARY. (New Voiwags) Haitet | ta ke of Beacront, K.0., ond A are RIDING By Captain Ropert Wen, Kiding-Master KM.O. With Contri- but@ms by the Dave of Beau‘ort, the Marl of Suffolk and Herkevire, the Hari of Onsiow, B L. Anderwon, on4 A. K T. Wateon Polo. By J. Moray Brown. with is Pi stee and 4 ustrations in the Text by ©. D. Gties, F ant Desa and J. Stewart Os ousEe, & co Crown ®y MAD Allan London: LO PRETTY Miss SMITH By sage Py * ae 6d Powen, A h, 7 ince Mise Florence Warden's f, 4. m the March,’ sa;e the Baron, I have not re a more exciting tale than the same euthoresss ‘Pretty Mis Smith.’ It sould be ewsilowed right off of « citing.” —Tar Banon ve Koon Woams [* THE VALLEY. By Hanon Parepenic. S vols Atall Libraries. Mr. Guscneron s writes :—' It has a crest historical Interest. from ite apporently faithful exhibition of the rein tions of the d. ferent nationalit sand races curto-sly grouped together in and wh were #0 about the State of New Yoru before the war of Amefican Independence London: Wa. Hermwemaws, 71, Redford a. Wc MISH BRADDON'S LATEST NOVEL Cheap edition. Price 2. ; cloth, 2 od NE LIFE, ONE LOVE: a 0 Novel. By the Author of “Lady Audiey's Seoret ac ‘The piot is quite simple, and the author makes Bo effort to diaxuise from her readers the solution of the secret om which , story turns, . Like everything Mies braddon writes, it is rasy to read and has interest enough to be » good compan'on on @ railway journey for ali. Daisy is ingenuows, and her porte: tousiy fu | diary ts bright and ladyiike.” —Times November 6ch 1800 ‘One Life. One Love’ ie one of the best of Mics Braddon's stories, It is ebout a murder. 1 did not make out who did it until | was well into the second vo'ume. and I 4:4 not see how he did it ont the erpianation of ven near the end of the third voleme.”—Taora ovember 13, 1400 London: Simrate & Co., Limited. CONOMISE! oW? SUNLIGHT SOAP solves the di feulty. the most labour, g: ves to woman the command of he own tim The iateliigent find a thousand Profitahb e employments whi h were utter imposai- bilities under the toilsome conditions of the aili-day Saves rubbing and scrubbing of the past. To those st.li in bondage, the word Eeonomy is a mockery. To such we say, cive Sunlight Soap a fair trial, Practical experience should be the test. Once make the experiment tke thousands, secribe mony marry, uarrt hours to your using SUNLIGHT BUA) UNLIGHT SOAP monTHLy COMPETITIONS. PRIZES value over £6,000. COMPETITIONS Eaci MONTH DURING 1891. There is po element of chance in these competitions, the winoine of a priae depending entirely on the perseverance and troubie taken te collect the Wrappers, &c WRAPPERS CARD BOX COMPETITION. COMPETITION 3. Tor Girls & Boys 16 last Op: to all aged 17 last an birthday and under. birthday and upwards. PRISE) BOR MONTH PRieee BACH MowTH: 6° Silver Keyless Lever 60 Silver Keyless Lever Waltham Watches, Waltham Ww value £4 4s. each. value £4 45 each. ew Send full Name and Address on Post-Card for Rules to LEVER BROS. PORT SUNLIGHT, near BIRKENHEAD. Gold Medals, Diplomas, and Highest Awards whercver exhibite:, for Absolnte Purity, Superiority of Menufseture, and True Fia your. ARMOUR’S EXTRACT OF BEEF Retains the True Natural Taste and Stimulating Properties of Freshly-Cooked Beef. Goddard's Ptate Powder you may | Your | BON-MBRCURIAL ‘Ihe BLOT apa BAYLST TICLE tor CLBANING SILVER, BLECTRU- LATE, @c. Sik GLU BEDALS awarued, | te ok, Sea im bones, ls. , Ue. O4., amd de. ___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Mar 16, 1891. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daity Consumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. “HEAVIEST POSSINLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE, “MIGHEST ATTAINABLE QvUaLiTyY.” (is0ep.) “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” RANSOMES’ ing of the K.A.5 ‘, Win teor, Her Majesty the Queen and HK FE Princess Victoria of Prussia each pur- chased a Ransome Lawn Mower LAWN MOWERS THE BEST in the WORLD. “New Avtomarom.” “Cuame Avromaron,” “New Panu,” “ Women.” and “loxt svn Hosse-lTov re” Mowens, in ll sizes to suit every requirement. it Machines sent on « Month s Free Trial and Carriege Paid. BSupplicd by all lronmoncers NSOMES, SIMS & JEFFERIES, LA Ipswich ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. “Tas Queen” (the Lady’ o Mgwapager) “ feels no hesitation in recommending it. beid by Grocers, lronmongers, Oillmen, &¢. Manufactory —SHEFFIELD. CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES. Paice Lisrs sent races, 128, QUEEN VICIORIA STREBT, E.C ; @, ST. JAMES'S STRERBT, Pall Mall, London. SAMUEL BROTHERS. BOYS’ SCHOOL OUTFITS. Messrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS haveready fori a = avery large asso ent of BOYS’ and You THs’ CLOTHING, They will also be pleased to send, wpon application, Parreans of Mareatace for the wear of Gentie- men, HKoys, or Ladies, together with their pew I.ivernarep Cata- Loe vs, containingabout 400 Engravings. This furnishes cetaile of the various departments, with Price Lists, &c. , BLISS'5 Chipping | Nor- = ton Riding and Suiting Tweeds, Cheviots, Homespuns, Serge:, &c. A very large aseo: tment of the productions of this eminent firm is “Eron” Sort. alwars kept in stock. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, &c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpvon, E.C. Workshops :— Pilgrim St., Iudgate Hill, and 46, Gray's Inn Road. WORTH et Cie. UNDER \\ ROYAL PATRONAGE.) ’ ‘SPECIALITY A separate Department for Geatiemen. for every ciass of Corset. 134, NEW BOND STREET, W. SULPHOLINE situ LOTION EVELTWHELE THE CURE FOR ERUPTIONS, BLOTCHES, ECZEMA, ACNE DISFIGUREMENTS MAKES THE SKIN CLEAR, SMOOTH, SUPPLE, HEALTHY. STREETER & COMP.’S SPECIALITIES. D!AMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES o of the true blue colour, PEARLS « of the ‘finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and — D!AMONDS of all colours. STREETER a COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St., London. OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONS OF THE MOST ECONOMIC, FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE Kiyo, BEXHILL - - ON - SEA — OTEL.—A luxurious _—e SAC Bear sd Promenate. Passenger Elevity k clase Cuisine. Moderate Tarif! Golf Links op to the Hotel. Terms on application . BRIGHTON Foret Mirror J or on a katte, Visitor, “ WHITEHALL COURT" ' RESIDENTIAL FIATS, FACING Thane EMBANKMENT AND WHITEHALL Pu 6.W These excellent Suites are fitted with every motes convenience, ¢g, Hot and Cold Water Fe Light avd Helis, Visitors’ and Servants’ Lit & operation right and dar, and occupy the & position in London, sffor in extensit’ view the Kiver (with the Surrey Hills in the deus and the tmbankment Gardens. They are also m Convenientiy and centraliy situate w th res et the principal Clubs, Thestres, &c. The room we all finishes to suit the wishes of incomine Tent, and the rentas include sli Rates, Taxes, ‘eer Surp'ly, lighting and heating of the (o-ridene 4 Staircases, a: he services of all the Porters The Suites may be viewed at any ‘ime on application w the Superintendent. J. C. Summerrinio, at Office on the premises; or to HMaxrrow * Som Estate Agents, 1, Cockspur St. (ate Water H . CRLEBRATED BUTTER: cor Daily yield 607,600 a tomperatars of Raths founded at Bath by the Komans is ‘he a Century. The waters are well known as bein: valuable in eases of Kheumatism, (out, 10¢ prs Affections. The Corporation of Hath have re er enlarged and perfected the Baths at great exp-r'* n the words of one of the greatest Hygiene Vhysiclans Tue Barus 288 THE mosT comriett Evnore. nd Dally in the Pump- oom. Len to the Manager will receive attention asd ev7 information. COLDEN BRONZE HAIR The levely nuance “Chatain Foneée” 4 im>asrted to Hair of any colour by using Pete Fold onty by WINTER, 672, Ox rd 8 lose & Price 5s. 6d. 10s. 6d., 21s. For tinting grey ot biel Hair AZRINE is invaluable. ROWLAND MACASSAR OIL Nourishes and Preserves the Hair, makes it Soft and Silky, and is the HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATE pices, being not too greasy or drying ; §P°e ally suited for Ladies’ aud US" Hair; bottles, 3+. €d.; 7+.; 1. ™ Whitens the Tee, ODONT Prevents Deca Sweetens the Breath. Cold dren s

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Mar 16, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 229 Aad t Light fell across her f as h a palm had MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. euitten 36, and the name el taaankn an Mand: fas Sate wane fingers five. No, XVIL—GASPS. | And again I addressed myself in terms of familiarity to the Ever- (By Oru Scureioy, Author of ‘‘ Screams,” ‘' The Allegory of am _§ lasting, and I planted a upos the clouds, where eight children Asian Ranche,”’) lay prone with bees flying about their childish bonnets. ss ive,” writes the Author of the followin , “that this, And there came a knock at my . is Pbedey Bet it ie at toe means ne Gas oon ould under- Eight o'clock!” said Oae. “* Arise!” stand it. The chief charm of allegorical writing is its absolute freedom from Nay,” I answered ; ‘‘ it cannot be.” dine the trammels of convention. You write something large and vague, with ‘ But the water is hot within the can, and the table will be spread spy amount of symbols thrown in. The words flow quite mag, 4 you cover for them that break their fast.” scores of pages. Then you read it over + next morning. If youunder- ‘5 beit, I rise,” And behold it was a dream! stand it so little as to think some other fe must have written it, you may be quite certain it is an allogsry.. When you print it, aa “maw peel mae Cuarrer III, it all kinds of mysterious morbid ous emotions, and co misin- | terpretations of life-problems, and everybody tacks on his own special a. omay ts motes of Se ittte nigger, stond chasuiog. aovints explanation. That being so, it is quite unnecessary for you to explain ogg ot the the oh & horeslf? things—which saves a great deal of trouble. The plan is an excellent one, | N by he i A ae aunt good gardener churn Try it.—Yours, allegorically, 0. 8.”") aad (Birnen) = chest, nomena the Cuarrer I. | And there came Life and The | Tanr’ Sannre was stewing kraut in the old Datch saucepan. The behind them came Wealth and Vastness scorching rays of the African sun were down upon Borararte Infiaity was there, and Health, and W BLENKINS who was doing his best to be sun-like by beating WaLvo. tion was mounted on a steed with Joy. His nose was red and disa- af able. He was something ike HuckLeseRRY Fisx’s ~ Dauphin, an amusing, cal- - lous, cruel rogue, but less - reeourceful. ANT’ SANNIE — laughed; it was so pleasant — to see a German boy beaten black and blue. But the = Hottentot servants merely gaped. It was their custom. ut in the middle distance - Life was playing marbles ne said, ‘‘ No.” with the Unknown. And said, ‘“‘Is it Sr- the Unknown said unto Life, ‘ en, - : “Give me an alley-tor.” wae \wrnl é ine said again. ‘‘ No.” But Life replied, pe. | fi Z we % , 2 ene I id, “I have the commoneys are lying LO J / : ; well, and the thumb of him $ t VY aid, ‘‘ Yes.” that aimeth is seasoned unto : = y) , Real was not the stroke.” And the Un- a Z, known beat his sable wings together, and one black fea- ther flitted far into the breast of the day and fell to earth. And there came a fair-haired Child plucking flowers in the desert with brows bent « I f And they wan- in thought. ail At last they came And Life said unto the Mai | 1H a bad, wicked naughty, Child, *‘ Play with me.” ; if brimstone place. And I And the Unknown said, ‘* Play with me.” said to Some-one, “I like this. It seems place.” And stil No- But the Child raised its soft slowly and the tender fingers|one laughed. And Wealth touched me, and I was glad. And I grew apart, and its thumb was poised in t it upon its nose, and | said, “Give me millions. or buy a box of matches,” and Law it spake not at all. And the feather flitted far, far over the waste, | seized me and took me to the Cell. Then I said to the Beak, ‘‘ Your and men came forth and gazed upon it, but it heeded them not. Worship.” And the Beak said unto me, ‘ again. Forty _ Then said Life, ‘‘I am strong. Kings have need of me and earth | shillings.” And again I woke. And it was a striving and a is my dominion.” But the Unknown gathered up the scattered | striving and an ending in Nothing. nat coneeeinag them gently, and answered only this—‘'1 ama THE END. greater than Life.’ And the Child strayed onwards and the feather flitted, and Tan?’ Sannre still stewed kraut in the old Dutch saucepan, And| - TO MLLE. JANE MAY. BonaPaRTs BLENKINS was glad. “ Au clair de le lune, Mon ami Pierrot, Cuarrer II. Préte-moi ta plume ye ude, . ~ aa a, ~ ! we - beaten ; Pour éerire un mot.” oxen are s ur. ; happy, industrious, “ ! i dung- collecting beetles are bitten in two by careless, happy, heetle- From Cupid’s'own pinion, “tie doubtfullish whether _n f dogs—everything is wicked cruel. sffir has A “mot” might be made which should happily hit beau but he will kick his wife, and Taxr’ Sanniz, alas! The ** d” of desert; and Love, aided by Wi, will not be there to drop a e-tub on hishead. And over oy cM cen to eloquent passion’s fine glow, thing hangs that inscrutable charm which hovers for ever for the Might both be strack mute by the Muse of Damb-Show. uman intellect over the incomprehensible and shadowy. Omne That “ actions speak louder than words” we all knew ; wnotum pro mirifico, I might say, but I prefer the longer phrase. Bat now we may add, “ and more gracefully, too.” And I stood at the gate of Heaven, I and Tant’ Sawnie ; and we Performances fine Punch has praised in his day, spoke to everybody quite affably ; and they all had time to listen to But how few take the pas of the Promise— of Miz! what we said, and to make suitable replies. And I said, ‘* Are we all here?” ’ And she said, ‘‘ Not all.” ** Native Races anp THE Liquor Tararvic.”—An important subjec I said, * The absent are always in the wrong.” strangely omitted at the recent meeting of this Society was ‘* The And she said, ‘‘ I have heard that in French.” Consumption of Champagne on the Derby and Oaks Days.” The And I said, * Is not that impertinent ?” Duke of Westminster will take the earliest opportunity of rectify- And she said, ** No.” ing this error. g E is az ee 4 “Is this the s Show?”’ said, o No.” ** Ts it the Sal- rire aH VOL.

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i [Mar 16, 1891, \ Mh nn 1) ao nagar ) WANN : NW ccm QQ N0seetcllll Pg) a WIN rd | TG Ye WN ee 4). ; VPn:swN) (3 i Vi Yd ae iN {\ nf WN 2, yf Tw : \ A BLEND. The Wine Merchant (G-scu-y). ‘I'm AFRAID £0ME OF OUR OLD Customers won'’T LIKE IT AT First ; BUI, WITH A LITTLE PeRsvAsioy, 7 I rainx I caN GET 'EM TO TAKE TO IF KINDLY.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SS >. SD aeee: | ’ 2 : FE f \ N { \\Ne i \ SS ‘

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| oN, Mar 16, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JOKIM THE CELLARER; OR, THE BLEND. Arr,—‘' Simon the Cellarer.” ’Core Joxrm the Cellarer keeps a large store Of choice Party Spirits, d’ye see ; Scotch, Irish, and who can say how many more ? An eclectic old soul is he. But mainly in ‘‘ Blends” he is , dark or pale, — For he knows without them his bottlings may fail ; But he never faileth, he archly doth say, For he well knows what tap suits the taste of the day. And ho! ho! ho! his books will show He oft taps the barrels of Brummagem Jor! Jox sits all the time in his own still-room, And a taster clever is he. ’Tis in vain that his enemies kick up a fame, And swear he is half a Torie. Bat there are sly meetings upon the backstair, And watchers say Jox is oft gossiping there. Now Jox distrusts someone who’s Grand, and who’s Old, And says that he must be kept ‘‘ out in the cold.” And ho! ho! ho! old Joxm doth know That many a flask of his best comes from Jor. ’Cute Joxrm keeps blending Joxr’s taps and his own ; Though knowing harsh rumours are rife ; And Brummagem Jos is oft heard to declare, Their partnership may \ast for life. And Joxrm says, ‘‘ some call Brum Jox a bad chap, | But they ’11 soon learn to relish the taste of his tap, And while I may Brummagem Jo call my friend, 1 think I shall customers find for our ‘ Blend.’”’ While ho! ho! ho! he’ll chuckle and crow ; ‘* What, turn up Brum Joz, my boys? No! no! no!” OPERATIC NOTES. Monday, _ 4.—Zfitre pe Lussan's Carmen is about the best when all the other dear charmers are away, and in the character she will probably remain in i e field, or, rather, *‘ the | Garden,” till the end of the season. The remainder as before, with oo Devoyon as Escamillo, But what has be- ane a come of the ** go” in the Toréador’s great és song? Where are the double encores? Where, indeed, the hearty applause ? Surely it has gone the way of the March in Faust, once so enthusiastically received and cheered to the echo ; and now—‘‘ March 5 off!” It is true that, once let a ‘* tuney tune” become vulgarised by street-musi- cians, and organic disease would be sufli- cient to kill it were it not tortured and ground to death by remorseless hands. But the Toréador’s song and the March have Sis not been the victims of an organised oppo- | sition, Perhaps. though, they may have been, only ’tis so long ago | a8 not to be within the ken of the present deponent. Anyhow, | the Toréador’s song goes for nothing nowadays, and yet ’tis as good | as ever, Thursday.—We welcomed The Don. Not the Academic Don once 80 popularly represented by Mr. J. L. Toots, but Mozart's Italianised Spanish Don. 4 Bropos of Mr. Toors, it has always been the wonder of his friends, to whom the quality of his vocal powers is 80 well known, that he has never been tempted to renounce the simple histrionic for the lyric Drama. It is said, and “* greatly to his credit,” that, had it not been for his unwillingness to rob his friend Sims Reeves of the laurel-crown he wears as first English Tenor of his age, he would long ago have set up a most dangerous opposition to t sweet singer, and have ridden off victoriously with “‘ My Pretty Jane” seated up behind him, pillion-wise, on the noble steed known as “* The Bay of Biscay O!” But the above is an entr’acte, shorter than those at Covent Garden by the way. M. Maver first-rate as the Don, both in acting and singing, even better in former than latter ; but the dear old serenade, which never can be vulgarised, in spite of its popularity, was encored, and the encore was gracefully , Signor Beviewant being in the chair, and willing to tap the desk and announce, * Gentlemen! Monsieur Maurer will oblige again!” Applause. : If all the village maidens could dress in a costume such as Miss ‘ELTR-ZeRLINA wears, then, to take the best and nicest view of it that village must be uncommonly rous. Probably tourists Visits are not few and far between: but anyhow, even the most un- suspicious bumpkin of a lover, would be inclined to ask a few ques- tions about this finery. However, her performance was as fine as ss) \y | | XY ie a ie ity j= THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS. Son of the House, “ You's wot Danctno, Mr. Lampert! Don’t You WisH To!” Mr. Lambert (who is not so slim as he used to be), “ CamTAINLY—IF You CAN FIND ME A Concave PsrTNgER/" the dress, and she looked quite the Zét1g-Z enim, so fascinating to the Lord and the Lout. Saturday.— Roméo et Juliette, that is, M. Jeaw pe Reezef and Mile. Eames. A nearly perfect performance. Jan a trifle too stout for an ideal Romeo, but of course he couldn’t go into training for the part at short notice. The spirit with which he played the part far outweighed the error of the flesh. Miss Eames ac ing Juliet in every way, though her singing of the Waltz was not of dazzling fire- work brilliancy. Brother Nep was the Frére Laurent. Excellent, The name Anglo-Frenchified, suggests a reverend gentleman who would meddle with legal testing and perform private ceremonies without leave or licence from his Ordinary. Might be known as Brother Law-wrong, an Extra-Ordinary Friar. The House full with an audience as brilliant as the performance. THE LAST SONG. [Mr. Sims Reeves was announced to sing “ Total Eclipse” at his Farewell Concert on Monday.]} Farewet.! A most unwelcome word to all Whom fifty years of charm have held in thrall ; Total eclipse—of pleasure on their part Who love pure melody and polished Art. Memory will echo long the sy Sag Of such a voice as even ruthless Might stay his stride to listen to, and spare From the corroding touch. scarce will care To hear “‘ Tom Bowling” eng by other lips, * Total Eclipse” And when in tenor strains ° Sounds next upon our ears, Sims Rexves will seem To sing again to us as in a pleasant dream. Aly ee ee oe a soil i aie a ncaa

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232 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ——___ [Mar 16, 189] ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, May 4.—Windbag Sexton had fine qontenty to-night ; made the most of it. t rough greater part of sitting. Various rumours current in ¢xplana- tion of the happy accident. Influenzs hinted | at; but Grand Young Garpwer, who is familiar with both, says Grippe much too knowing to link itself with Member for Elgin and Nairn. Towards Eleven o’Clock, | rumour set at rest by appearance of Kray. Simple explanation of temporary absence is, that’ be has been at home, drawing up a few more Amendments, 3 In his absence, Windbag had it all to himself. How many spee he has : h the dreary sitting am afraid t Members going off to write let- d evening papers, or legs, with one hand on | satisf: out, even Mr. G., Prince Antuun left languorous on Treasury rooping like a lily out of water,” McEwan says. Not that he’s given to esr of the kind; but, being lately at a wedding Mr. Mek feast smothered ia flowers, some of them have "y. — got into his conversation. Business done. — In Committee on Irish Land Bill, but no forrader. Tuesday.—** Do you think I ought to wear Tony?” _ It was Old Monarry who spoke. We were room at House ; just torn ourselves away from Committee on Irish Land Bill, where, at the oddly h Sextow chanced to be speaking Sioaataee bes boon ey Warden of the Cinque Ports, trying on his uniform, Rather piratical arrangement ; blue coat with large brass buttons, red sash round his waist, with holster thrust in it, con- taining the horse - pistol with which Pitt armed himself when he sat at the window of Walmer Cas- tle, looking and is mentarily expecting to discover BonkY cross- ing in a flat- bottomed boat. The trousers are of scarlet with broad braid of gold lace on outer seams. Finally there is a trueulent cocked hat, which OLD MoRALITY persists in puttin on with the peak W. H. Smith in hie new character ss Warden of the Ciaque astarn. The Ports and Constable of Dover Castle. dress is pictureeque, and OLp Moratiry’s figure lends itself to it with peculiar grace and fitness. “I fancy WeLLine10N wore spurs,” the Lord Warden persisted. Yee, | point out; but Pirr dient, nor did Patwexston, Anyhow Seymour Keay absent d | So all the world had to wait till Tay Par cloth | Result not altogether satisfactory. As | just as well not to begin with spurs. Might in time grow up to them, as it were. Wanted the Lord Warden to enter House in his uniform: sadly in need of sensation. One would certainly be ded if Old Moratrry were discovered sitting on Treasury Bench in his present costume, ** No,” he said, ** ey hay ny think I was going to move or second ithe Address, Should like to get used to the clothes a little before a them in public places,” go back to House myself, leaving the Lord Warden marching |up and down, making believe he is on the pe at Walmer, yy A when I arrive Windbag Sexrow ‘ing a speech, the nt talking about Old Moratirr’s promotion. A rous epoch in a man’s life. People apt just then to discover al] kinds of shortcomings, and reasons why to Beeneten should have fallen elsewhere. But no one grudges Orv Moratiry this high and ancient honour ; a fresh chapter in the pleasant story of ‘* Mr. Surru,” |a new “* Part of His Life.” For five years he has sat on the Treasur | Bench in succession to Disrartr and (Giapsrowe; now he wi |answer for the safety of the Cinque Ports in succession to Pitt and | Weittweron, Datnovere and Patmerstow. Business done.—(ip Moratiry made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports. Thursday.—*' Tay Pay also among the Gentlemen of England!” | exclaimed Sace or Queen Awwe’s Gare, for once almost moved out lof his customary self-possession. It certainly seems s0. Came about on Second Reading of London Tramways Bill; promoters want to bring tramway over Westminster Bridge, and along Embank- ment. Demos desires to go about his business on the tramway, and does not eee why he should be arbitrarily stop before he has accomplished his journey. Carriage folk say, No; let Demos and his penny tram stop at other side of the water, leaving the broad | thoroughfare of the Embankment for what Rapcrirre Cooxe called | ** the gilded chariot.” | Debate gone forward for some time. No one expected to find Tax Pay in this Galley. Since his return from Ameriky hasn't opened his voice in debate; spoken in publie only once. That was to his constituents in Scotland Road, Liverpool ; announced with |portentous blast in advance that then and there the anxious world | should learn what side he took in the leadership controversy. (thers | had declared themselves, whether for Brer Fox or Brer Rapsrr. The | momentous issue of Tay Pay’s decision required further deliberation. |few Members | dan came home and saw his constituents. Tm Heaty put it, “Tay Pay showed disposition to hunt with Brer Fox and run with Brer Rassrr.” If in the end Brer Fox won, nothing in Tay Pay’s Scotland Road speech row | prevent him returnin ito his allegiance. If Brer Fox remain under a cloud, he could Pid Brer Rassrr. Been careful not to spoil oe little game by taking part in debate in ouse. Now, on this London Tramways Bill, | which touches neither Brer Fox nor Brer | Rapper, Tay Pay interposres, Conserva- tives anort impatiently when he rises; cry sloud for division; take it for granted | that Tay Pay will back up Demos’s demand | for equal right of way. Bat Tay Pay has genuine little surprise in store; is loftily contemptuous of tramways, doncha. If they cross the bridge and approach the recincts of the West End, what is to ones of carriage-folk? ‘* A noisy and inconvenient system of locomotion,” said |'Tay Pay, shuddering with disgust, as though he heard a coarse voice crying ** Fares, please!” De House roared with laughter ; Rapciirre ett Cooxe talked about opposition ‘‘ coming trom Members who hoped to ride in gilded coaches” ; Caxmer rudely reminded Tay Pay that ten or fifteen years ago, he d have taken a very different view of the convenience of tramway cars. This wasn’t pleasant ; but when the Division bell rang, Tay Pay had the satisfaction of walking, alone amongst his Party, with the Gentlemen of England, triumphantly vin- aa the rights of carriage-folk against tramway trabs. Long time since House of Commons witnessed a scene so rich as this in material for reflection. Business done.—Tay Pay declares against trams. | _ Friday.—Attendance on House gradually diminishing ; what with influenza, and Irish Land Bill in Committee, Members greduallt thinning off. No M.P. complete without his influenza. Barks sb not be out of anything if its humble, but conscientious Member can m it ; so l’ve ‘took ” the influenza, or the intluenza’s “* took ,me. Don't exactly know how it came about. Anyhow, we're in together. Business done.—Don’t know anything about it. along with 0 ———

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PeSaRESRSR BEBE & =beae ESTSSenS

|

Mar 16, 1891]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. [conTrnvnp.] Wednesday, April 30th, “‘ George Hotel,” Billsbury. — Spent yesterday oan the day before in po « a at the Temple. No work as usual, Think I shall give it all up, and take entirely to politics. Yesterday afternoon a Mr, Ricnarpson GroeramM called = b

_— = f i found it best to make the of his riper manhood in Metropolis.” I smelt a rat, but thought it best to give him interview. He is a tal ; H e if I had heard of his “ History of the h of Bills ” in four volumes. I asked him who had publiabed it and when, Bu he said he had been mace OS victim of intri and had secured a peahen, Cheap there — ct ofthe book, St Saneal soul @ te aooad ot my candi m on 0 pressure off week. Fle talked like thie % j at last came to what he called the chief he had in the course of his investigations, fortunate 5 sé i oat sae fi a nonsense ; r stu ‘* pernicious non- sense.” itis as if the author had studied 4 Powerful Cast. the weakest of the Robertsonian Comedies, and had thought he could do something like it in a tragic vein. In the last Act there is a situation reminding us strongly of one short scene in Caste ; there—so delicately and touchin ly treated by its author; Aere—so repulsively treated by Inszn. it be reduced to serious burlesque, and let us have it played by Pxniey as George Tesman, AuTHuR Koperts (with a song) as Judge Brack, Wenpon Grossmiru as Ejlbert Livborg, Miss Lorrrz Vewwe as Mrs, Hedda Tesman, Mrs. Jonn Woop as Aunt Juliana, and Miss Jesstx Bowp (with song and dance) as Mrs. Elvsted. It is announeed in the bill as ‘‘Insen’s Last Play.” There’s a crumb of comfort in this.

QUEER QUERIES, lighten me re itboe ae preparing the Shove ddiizesr? eas to U fancy there must be me mist se" Well Son donty eight howe, end i then mix with ogecl quantities of s Stout, Gum Arabic, and Epsom Salts?” I have this recipe (given me by a young friend, who says he has often been in Scotland) faith- fully, but the result is not wholly satisfactory. I doubt whether

Work, but absolutely necessary. mine porridge should be of the consistency of a brick-bat, or fate of hair-oil.— Unpavustrp.

ie ala ca, 4 4 4

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a 34 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 16, 1891, Fair Parishioner, ‘‘ AD vO You Like THE Potprt, Mr. Avrio.!” The New Curate, ‘1 po wot, Ea—ir HIDES TOO MUCH OF THE FicuRE, AND | LIKE CLERICAL ASTHETICS. very SaAke OF THE SURPLICE TO TELL!” “BLOOD” ¥. “BULLION.” “ Wet then, it now appears you need my help. Go to then: you co ne to me, and you say, ‘SuyLock, we would bave moneys ’—you eay 60; You that did void your rheum upon my beard, And foot me, as you spurn a stranger cur Over your threshold : moneys is your suit. What should Isay to you? Should I not say * Hath a dog money ?’” Merchant of Venice, Act 1., Scene 3. ‘* Wirn bated breath and whispering humble- ness ’”’ Not so! There comes a season when the stress Of insolent and exacting tyranny Makes the most patient turn. m a toeracy, Without the despot’s vaunted virtue, pride, Shows smal! indeed. Can Power lay aside Its swaggering port, and low petition make (Driven by those Treasury thirsts which never slake) For help from those it harries? Paaraon's scourge Was the taskmaster’s weapon, used to urge The Hebrew bondsmen to their tale of toil, Bat they round whom the Russian’s knout thongs coil, Are of the breed of those the Russian palm Can make petition to. Could triumph balm The wounds of ages, here were balm indeed ; But blood revolts. Race of the changeless creed, And ever-shifting sojourn, Suaksreare’s type Deep meaning hides, which, when the world is ripe For wider wisdom, when the palsying curse And blind blood-hatred, shall a little lift, Will , vary shine, like sunburst through a t In congregated cloud-wracks. Shylock stands Bad with black shame in all the baser ands. Use him, and—spit on him! That’s Gentile wont ; Make him gold-conduit, and befoul the font,— That’s the true despot-plan through all the days, And cackling Gratianos chorus praise. ** The Jew shal) have all justice.” . ‘G he so? The drains, his gold, then bids | im—** Go!” tyrant Shylock? The name bears insult in its| Shall sound ; Bat he was nobler than the curs who hound | The patient Hebrew from his home, and drive —_— the stronger souls they dread | ive. Shylock? §S» brand him, boors and babbling | wags, Whoscorn him, yet would share his money-bags; Who hate him, yet can s to such appeal! ! th his meekness there ’s a soul of steel. | High-featured, amply-bearded, see he stands Facing the Autocrat; those sinewy hands, | Shaped but for clutching—so his slanderers | ea —_— The huckster bait can coldly putaway ae —F coe bullion.” The Jew- baiting Howl frantic execration o’er the land ; Malign and menace, pillag » persecute; Though the heart ’s hot, the mouth must fain Of prejudice, the canker of the purse, be mute. The edict fulminates, the goad pursues ; Proscription, deprivation,—ay, they use All the old tortures, nor are grace, | And gold, from kinsmen of the harried race! | Perchance buy heavier scourges for the backs | To an enthroned enslaver of his race. en content, But crown the work with ruthless banish- ment. And then—then the proud Muscovite seeks " 7 a have moneys” from the Hebrew oard, To swell his state, or whet his warlike sword ; Of lesser Hebrews, whom his wolfish packs Of salaried minions hunt. Take back thine hand, and understand Tmperious Autocra es not, serves not, salves Gold buys not, not al Blood speaks—in favour of the helpless thrall Of L pey . Here’s no tame Shylock : he Shall not bend low, and in a bon ’s key, Make o’er his money-bags with unctuous grace ™ bef" then, it now appears you need > “ yelp’) (You— whose trained curs at my poor kinsmen ** What should I say to you? Should I not say, ‘*Hath a dog money?” Blood’s responee is—* Nay!” A soMEWaaT curious association of names and ideas occurs in last week's Sporting and Dramatic, where there is an illustration of some ceremony taking place which is described as ‘‘ The Ranve's Foundation May Day Cele- bration.” Odd, that this particular Rai should always fall on the First of May.

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Seer [_ /_ > =. = ~

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 16, 1891.

eeEeEeEeEeEEe——eEEeE } . | | _ EDICT | x

EXPULSION \NFIJEWS

\ S — <7 ae it e: = - = : Ge Se SS SSS SS , wae Sa \ ‘ : ‘ si La! XN NN “BLOOD” VERSUS “BULLION.” “WELL THEN, IT NOW APPEARS YOU NEED MY HELP: YOU THAT DID VOID YOUR RHEUM UPON MY BEARD, AND FOOT ME, AS YOU SPURN A STRANGER CUR OVER YOUR THRESHOLD; MONEYS I8 YOUR SUIT. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO YOU?"—Merchant of Venice, Act I., Be. 3.

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Mar 16, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———= ODE TO COMPENSA- TION. (After Kinxxe Wart.) “That blessed word— ‘Compensation.’ ” Not in thy terrors | But in thy fairest, =~ must not come * Right,” That er. The i has put ite foot hard down, And “ Bune,” sofar, is quite done brown; It makes the ** Wit- ler” weep! N >‘ Vested Interest,” Whereon to found a claim ? [have done And after all that we Tu keep the Tories in the run! [shame ! It is a thundering We deemed Sir Ep- WakD CLARKE Koew what he was about ; Tae TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT His New Porcoase ‘‘ wItt TAKE A LoT oF BEATING,” / AND——SO HE DID! slic Had “ gently, tl done the trick.” We have been sold, no doubt. But Forrest Fotron comes, — Sharp pellow that And in the Commons sneaks a vote Which sticks hard in ve Spowanen, _ eeopiaa se brow [and poor. Of Wittlers weak Gorcuen has played us false ; — It ‘aabes our bosom ache. But to abate our in- dignation If he p. secure us ation, “Tel om mpensation make, OVERHEARD AT Gorman Exhibition ? Second C, 9, lo the grounds, painted canvas representing EARL’S COURT. First Citizen, And what did you see at the Citiz », A magnificent collection of German pic'uree, many German manu- tactures, and several German awvet C, Are these the only attractions ? is some clevrly German scenery | First C. Anything else ? Second Second C, I eneyed the Switchback Rail- | entirely wo wa First C. I see—anything added to my enjoym = Borie, 4 the ® Circle t, but, as i deond’C. ¥ C. Yes—in thusiastic jp of all that is te German, tee oe entirely as “ert & And if for n thing further ? com: oreign element were Second C. There are the lights 4 Becond C. Mo doubt Tshould be presen First C. Sigivantthesentearetienst | as much in person, but not in G. fiotte 4 Gesutin pins 68 view — l consider them merely as fringe. ——s © Raast —and, were they not there, as much patronage to the German San Exhibitionyou would go there The Gorman some ther eames atate ether German apirit

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a 238 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 16, 1891, THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.) y y A We, hi oF bah oe PO LUE No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd brought a Bow and Arrow with him, J. Waterhouse, A. — = No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W. B. Richmond, A. ™No. 467. “Angela Vanbrugh” playing the Fiddle; or, All p= with her Beau. ows Lone, R.A. No. 558. Lady going out for a row. Odd sort of boat: Wherry Fanny. E. Brame Lerenroy. L No. 138. Tootey Pooteies. “ Odear, what is the matter with my poor feet!!” Edith Sprague. No. 129. “* Love in Winter.” By G. H. Boventox, A. Bat a poor sort of amusement for this nice young lady to be walking out all alone with a big muff! eh? Mr, Bovenron, No. 630. “Jona.” By Cotuy Huwrer, A. eh ? . Buy it, and in Tena own a good picture. _ No. 292. Bar-Maids Resting. W.R. Sraruens. No. 518. A PracticalJoke. “Ishall No, 664, “La Cigale.” A sporting subject No. 346. “* Moor and Mountain.” By Cuantzs Startle em if I go in suddenly dressed suegestive of “Got nothing on.” It is not a por- Sroarr. The name Cuantes Srvarr suggests like this.” J.C. Horsley, R.A. trait of La Cigale at the Lyric. H. Rag. “ restoration,” but this isa brand new work. It is mostly mountain,| No.714. Wind Lads and Wind-Lasses. Frawx Dicxsne, A. and very little more. No. 743. “If I had a donkey what wouldn’t go.” Arraep W. No, 397. “* Miss Lypra Lestre at her lessons” may be termed a Sravrr. group of One or Little Daughter and Less Sons. G. D. Lestre,R.A.| No. 1006. A Little Duck. Wruam Sravrr. (Must be seen for No. 410. Two horses in a field during a Snowstorm. Goed subject | title to be appreciated.) for a Tavern sign-board, entitled, ‘Two Out.” Epwaxp Srorr. | No. 1106. Hares Apparent. Wic11am Foster. . No. 452. “Mrs. X-—,” i.¢., a lady with @ good deal of dash.| No. 1108. Napoleon leaving the room where Josephine is fainting Set oO a of Gh &ens ost Gk me 4. eg sia ow Se oS Hveu pve T. Giazeproox. | om the floor, Short title, ‘‘Going Nap.” Lasterr J. Port. }

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May 16, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 239

THE A BC OF IBSENITY. the ArcHer who booms in the World, unfurled. Commotion F i -- c ge 5 g : See eg Ed Et I p> ee 2s] d >, 7 R 5 Hcy i § is the Speaker, whi quite exci T is the Temper, it shows uninvited. U the oy i Faith of the some, V is the Vaudeville, where they all come, W stands for the Worshipping ew, X their Xtreme disproportionate view. Y ends Ibsenity, and, as everyone knows, brings an alphabet rhyme to a close. NS

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. The Diary of a Pilgrimage occupies 175 psges of one of ARRow- sMITH'S tappe-ane-cixeeney books, and no doubt the admirers of its author, Mr. Jerome K. Jzxome, may possibly not grudge this amount when gauging its value by its attractive cover. It is “? Agry Abroad,” that’s all. ’Arry Abroad laughs and talks loudly in foreign churches, sneers and jeers at everything he does not understand—and this inclades the greater of all he sees and hears—cha ffs puzzled officials, and everyw makes himself highly and exceptionally . this Diary ’Arny is occa- sionally rather amusing when he is endeavouring to be either serious or sentimental, or both. ’ARRY serious or ’ARRY sentimental, or Anny sentimentally serious and expects to be taken at his own valuation, is of course delightful, only a little of it a great way, and this Cockney pilgrim goes too far, especially w giving us his valaable opinion on the Passion Play. *Arry on the Passion Play -~ the ¢ ter of apt ae ne ony ae sae observes on every possi unity—** Fancy /” Only once the Baron finds himself in agreement with the travelling ’Aunr, and this neaeane when he says, “I must candidly confess that the Eeotah-a99 ring pried one ee on i” ae am, en asa whole, a most disagreeable contingen es, certai when they are all ’Arries. Set an’Axny to catch an ’ARry, and 3 course to the regular right-down ’Arxy all other "Annies, not ‘appnin’ to ’ave the honour of being ’is own partics, are detestabl vu cads, The remainder of the book, «.¢., 131 , is padded with essays, a fact not mentioned on the outside of the work, which, like —s covers a multitude of sins. Whether this is quite a fair way of stating contents, is a question which the Baron supposes both Publishers and Author have thoroughly considered. Don’t skip Ecten Terry’s Memoirs in The New Review. Nothing much in them, but delightfully chatty and amusing. See Murray’s Magazine for Mr. GtapsTonk on the Murray Memoirs, in the number for the ‘‘ Murray Month of May.” When you are routin about for something short and amusing, take up the Cornhill, oa read A Fiash in the Pan. I have com says the Baron, my friend Gronce MerepitH’s One of Our Conquerors. Now G. M. is an author whose work does not admit of the healthy and graceful exercise of skipping. Here the ski s occupation is gone. G. M.’s work should be taken away by reader far from the madding crowd and perused and pondered over. If Ponder’s End be the tranquil place its name implies. then to that secluded spot betake yourself with your Gzorez Mezrepiru, O happy; studious Jer, in peace. Since the time of Richard Feverel, which I shall always consider his best, “‘ of the very best” as Zero of the Monte Carlo Bar has it, a} fe OT of im as a two- now out over a cou pages. Tee abeaes tenseed ed thoes tees esteem Sy mat ep vanls’s tara, for own is « very poruling ene. But to my task, sa So Basen, give me 9 alight sales and a suck at the mn as it were, or a sip of the , and at him again, Festina lente, More anon from Tue Banow vz Boo

epigrams. What once| Waiters ROBERT ON ENGLISH AND FOREIGN WAITERS. Wet, thi is cumming to thin h . shall tod fa it wae be sid formerly, : oir need he & at the Royal Nawal 3 hibit qua he bes a German ! jeeee || ULE i) ||| ROYAL NAVAL ||| EXHIBITION || No ENGLISH NEED APPLY. GERMANS ONLY TAKEN .

‘* Rule, Britannia, Britannia rules the Waves! For Britons never, never, NEVER Shall be Slaves!” | Robert the Waiter. ‘‘Waat’s THis! ‘No Exoiisd weep arriy! GERMANS ONLY TAKEN’! Tus is ‘ BairONS NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES’ WITH A WENGEANCE!” I never knowed as Jack Tars, and Powder-Munkys, and Admerals (as is so fond of Port, that they takes the werry name), was so werry parshal to Germans, that they woud sooner go without their dinners and tease, than be waited on by an most suttenly not. ‘© contrare,” as the French Waiters says. It Raphet om | long time, I shood think, before your real British Sailers wood learn to call a Waiter a Gasson, tho’ as it means, I’m told, a Boy, there is sum little sense in it, coz there’s, in course, Old Boys as well as yume ents; Det what on airth meaning is there in a Kelner! as ’m acshally told all German Waiters insists on being called! Why the thing ’s too absurd to tork about. Besides the British Publick is used to our little ways, as we are quite used to theirn, and they talk to us in that nice enshal tone about the different wines, et setterer, as no true Born Englishman outs et spoke to a Frenchman, much lessa German. No, no, the hole thing ’s a mistake, as will soon be found ou ‘And what « grove injustice to the native article. These sollem-looking Germans. not too a going for to have a hexibition of their own, here in om does anyone think as they ’ll write up on the “ Only English i mp gs he y the hidear is bu’ difference I like to kno. No, no, no one can <o, fem © lens and wasted xperente, Seem

Sen Aree |

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240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Mayr 16, 1891, ———___. SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH’S SCAMP-ALBUM. No. 1V.—Taxz Hespann’s Oty Scnoot-reLiow. We will suppore that you are a young wife, and that your husband is abeent in the City during the greater part of the day. One after- noon a card is brought in bearing the inscription :— Caprarn CavULKER, United Service Club. The Hermitage, Coventry. which document is followed closely by a tall, well-groomed, rather portly and florid stranger, with a military moustache, who greets you with the utmost cordiality. “I appened to find myself in this neigh- bourhood,” he says, “‘and I could not —I really could not—resist this ¢ r- tunity. My name, I ventare to is a sufficient introduction ?” It is nothing of the sort— but you are too shy and too polite to'admit it, so you merely murmur some inco- > herency. He detects you at once. ‘‘ Ah!” he cries, in good-tempered reproach ; = co I've been too san- Now confess, my dear lady, you ’ ine. ven't a notion who I am!’ Thus brought to bay, you own that you have no clue to your visitor's iden- tity—as yet. ‘* Well—well,” he says, tolerantly, ‘' Time is a terrible sponge— though [ had hoped that, even after all these yeera, your dear hus might have occasionally mentioned the name of his old school-chum! I’ve never for- gotten him—no, all through the years I’ve been in India I’ve never forgotten dear old Watrer!” ** Bat my husband’snameis Wmu4M!/” you say here. “He was always WALTER to me, Madam, or rather—Wartry. He was so like a favourite young brother of mine, : who died young. That drew us together from the first. Did dear old Warry never tell you how he saved my life once?... No? So like him!—he wouldn’t. But he did, though; yes, by Gad, jumped into fifteen foot of water after me, and a me up when I was going under for the last time. Pardon me, but I see a photograph pon your writing-table—surely, unless I am wrong, that——” — ” That is a portrait of my only brother,” you will say; ‘‘he is on in India with his regiment—perhaps you may have met him ere?” ‘Thought I knew the face—met him at Simla, several times,” says the Captain; ‘‘ wonderfal how small the world is! But have you one of old Wartry’s photos? I should so like to see whether the dear old chap has altered... Ah, I should hardly have know, him-and yet, yes, the same cheery, jolly look, I can trace the boy there, I can see my old Warry again! No fri my dear Mrs. Gosirna, like those we make in early youth! he never mentions me now? Ah! well, he has a very charming excuse for forgetting the past—though I shall tell him when I see him that | do think he might have remembered his old school-friend a better than he seems to have done. Your servant informed me he was seldom at home quite so early as this, but I thought if could not see Aim, I would at least give m making the acquaintance of his wife, so I j for five minutes.” “ Wim will be so Soapriated to have missed you,” you say, eagerly; “‘ can’t you wait an let me give you some ? He may om i are —- Well, ’ word, tempt “Tn an hour pon my pt me much. I shouldn't like to go away without sceing hin, but I mas send away my cab first—no, it’s not outside, left it at the corner of the road, as I wasn’t certain of the number—I s’pose I've eet enough silver to—no, I haven't, by Jove! Could you oblige me by change for a—well, really, this is very awkward. I’ve positively come out with only a shilling— thought it was a onieel have to ask dear old Warry to accom te me—I ’ve lent Aim man a half-crown in the old days. Absurd icament to be in, and if I keep my cabman waiting, I don’t know what he mayn’t charge me. I took him three hours ago. I tell you what, my dear Mrs. Gosrixc ; If you'll advance me a sovereign, I could run out and settle with the fellow, and then it won't ify how long I wait for Wartrr. Can you? Too good of you, I’m sure! Wanrrr will chaff me when he hears I’ve been borrowing like this, ha, ha!” Here your ear, sharpened by affection, catches a well-known turn of the latch-key at your front-door. ‘* Why, how fortunate!” you exclaim, *‘ here is my husband already, Captain Cavtxer. He wil] come in as soon as he has changed his shoes.” **Capital!” cries the Captain. ‘‘ Look here, Mrs, Gostixc,—I’ve just thought of a little joke. I want to see if he’ll know me. Now you go and talk to him a little, and tly, you know—say there’s a man in the drawing-room, who’s come to wind the clocks, and then Ill come in to where you are, and make believe to wind se there—do you see? I’d bet anything he won’t spot me at _ You are young enough to be delighted at the idea of such a pretty little comedy, and you trip away to the stady, and archly pao dear Witt1aM in conversation until the Captain is ready to make his appearance. At last, a little impatiently, you give the cue by men- tioning that there is a clock-winder in the Jrawing-reeu. WIttux is amusingly suspicious, and insists on seeing the man. As scene will be just as funny in the drawing-room, you accompany him thither—but there is no gallant Captain there affecting to wind: your charming little Sévres clock (a wedding present) —he has gone, and— alas! without leaving a timepiece for anybody else to wi And WILLIAM is most disagreeable and unpleasant » bon it! NOTES FROM A NURSERY-CARDEN. ON AJ APANESE SCREEN. iS pa oF pane Np ee TE ve (By an Awfully Clever Child.) Iw Yeddo, where — weep, Who spoon the dish and dish the spoon! D Mr. Puncu,—I Poetese. Iam told thet the a is ald, ‘aa that Poets is a My The shepherdess hath lost her sheep. TO THE QUEEN OF MAYS. age is ten, and my poetry is certain Te over. My| She recksnot where the sheep have strayed, G elfin. frolic M nurse (one of those horrid critics) ventured to Poor m IVE me an ello, ic MAY, suggest that I am not original. I leave’ you to| Beneath the Boodha-Temple’s shade. No Queen with hoarse judge. Yours impatiently, Ewvant Tamermum, | 7 100 is the Mi I's: I'd bal Pt aioe N.W. Let slide Atack! up Northern Primrose Hill My flocks of verse without a guide. ay es oa and -> illy ,~ crude, (Sing, oh, Jack ! sing, ah, Git!) So will they best return without With wordless harmonies endued ad = and ~~ =- it —s- A doubt— And pirouctting fanei bards, GILLETTE OnN mortal , eles, Their pails with Hi tofll. | OF tale that 7 wanes out. She ’ll draw us round no Northern Poles (Bing, oh, Jack! sing, ah, Git ') MISS MUFFET. one ens me re Adown that Western Hill, alack ! So sweet | ‘ Aud coustestelt. cur manta. (Sing, ah, Gitu! sing, oh, Jack ’) Child- ce, with upward-curling feet Dat white és ke es Or e’er they pinot the Muses’ well On buffet-seat, "ion nl to al —— blossom, Jack kicked his bucket frail and fell, Resolving (as we all resolve) to eat. M, +4. L~~ ner Heneures, be And Giit was brought upon her back. Bo sad! a Tesraua (Sing, ah, Gut! sing, oh, Jack !) The ravening Spider from his eyrie mad To put it plainly vate he wy TO A SCENTY PEDE. Swoops, boldly bad, Of Scns ws aid gales fe, And scares (as spider the Pure and Spring 8 How doth yonder miniature featness - nveree = I'll bask and smile and worship Jx4N5? Though bs less, with gossamer wit Glad. Within the Prince of Wales's. ou : : Foregather mellifiuent sweetness, ON A KLEPTOMANIAC. While Fates unrelenting permit— Aun, Violin Cremonian ! Conservative COMMENT ON A. R&cEsT Wise heir of bright hours, Ab, Passy-cat of Ispaban ! Exxzcrion (after Mr. Middlewick).—" Humph' Of blossoms that flicker and flit. Moo-cow that dost outmoon the moon! (| Inferior Dosset!” «> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, wil im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by « Stamped and Addressed Ravelope, Cover, or Wrapper. Te this ed there will be ne exception. . ODS | SE eae

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ee ee ee eee i PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 16, 1891. OLD IRISH WHISKY. CORK DISTILLERIES COM PANY, |; Limited, Head Offices; MORRISON'S ISLAND, CORK. UAM-VAR WHISKY, THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD HAD EVERYWHERE, WeEs I SEE PALAGE AWD PRE GRILLING. THE BST FORK CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards. Rreommended by the Medica! Faculty. WURS & GRIEVE, EDIMBURER acd LONDON, CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS boL)) ry CALCUTTA a. 1a84 Se, the Gall; 605, the Doz, + it mtb slr NCH, MATHEWS & CO., and 25, Hart St, Bloomsbury, W.C. bad vy al Lespise spepex re throughoet ai diy nt Street. W. Bek “Familiar in Millions o ouwhs as any Hom Word.”—T imps, A pollinarts “THE QUEEN oF TABLE WATERS,” “ Much favoured by Her Majesty.” —Woxtn, tems Dr. BARTLETT, Pb.D., F.C.5.. aneee Mis CHAS. CAMERON, M.D., says. —' tbe Encelions Fass. atmisebis adapted te the wean of nats.” NEAVE: ZS FOO ning comalcwenta are far sbove the Write to D :r ington at once for Sent POST FREE on ppr sr 4 of exchan blin aterford. The Mills, Darlington. ie Quin4. = — MACKIVEN & CAMERON, verley Works, Edinburgh. 70 GAVE THE TESTE, USE DAILY THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE utifies and Preserves the Terra. parts a Sweet Pragrance to the Kasara. Cootin og oad Kefreshing to the Moora. Ad takes away smell o ceo. N.N.—The success uo of thie the first |i hepa Dentifriee ed to NEW SPRING PATTERNS, PEASE’S |= World-renowned | CROSS-WARP SERGES. “toes alae Teeter | comp : : fe ae Paid on all SA Raper aid on@ an wa Soli bias teats , HY. PEASE & 60's SUCCESSORS, Tendon Saie Room : aeyre RBUENT 4 sauane, LONDON, W., to Botify the opening imitations fy i necessary for rave iiasere to T.4 Hottie. le ». 64., 4s, @4., and Se 6¢., of all Chemists ont Stores or sent, post free, from STREET IAVERPOOL THE “NEW EASY” LAWN MOWER. The la-gost size (24 inch) can bo opera‘ed by ons mas. OTIGE.—ESPECIALLY To LADIES, nba WEBB MILES &C IMPAI ROOK sTREET, HAN ted extensive additio ns os ofa NEW : T for tne supply of uv NILE iG. & select Zasioty ¢ of fash onal A attire is . years of » t Ce ; ae. of the highest class aud gt +) slways kept in stock nasty @ for cash pas- S28. oni for repor's fem the Hrao Gaepenca of the Cavers Pate son and other 2.5. on Saturdays. tica! THE "PRINCESS SAF SNATCHING. Selig, Sex nen: shal & ba. 8), Quce : Victoria 6t., London, B,C, DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS SUITS ” PURSE. PRtVENTS PROPPING. oauigtow & GLASS, 17, 97. BaiDE oF., Tt) bb Some trortaone, 008 Jd Put ap in glass jars. oa ULSTERS. 25, CONDUIT ST., W. ARD PaReian by contract transferred the up to seuiae A Bons, The teat a ngmer rd infrrior FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATH. Is the BEST ety P DENTIERICE Freverts the decay £ the TERTH. Renders the Teeth F — wits * om for the last "'» en by Sevres SQUIRE . CHEMICAL Of oi Chem Sarireen thous hout the PLOBILING 5 t0008 Pow Fron ily, The 4 | pay ee ameraas Bey London, EC. omy 328, Kue St. »cersie FOOD FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. S4enpts, of or Ps sees Poor Fass SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, HOO mane OUP. rtin New York—Fowesas & Co., North Witt am Street, = Tooth ————— in Paste. 413, OXFORD STREETS, LONDON, JEWSBURY & BROWN'S Gontinue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. Sawans . IMITATIONS OF NOTH BED D BROWN LABSLA. =| SA ENGLISH ; PERFUME Always Refreshing, Sweet and Lasting. IPRICE 4/, 2/6, 5/, & 10/6 per Bottle. To be had of all Perfumers, Chemists, &c. WHOLESALE—R. HOVENDEN & SONS, BRRNERS STREET, W.. & City Road, E.C. NDON. 4 Sea Bath in your cwn room for One Penny. STODDART’S SEA SALTS INVALUAHLE FOR RHUFUMATISM AND WEAK JOINTS. Fatablished Forty Year. Megistered Trade Mark Bold in 64. 2-Ib.. Is. 24. 7-10., and 2. M4-tb. Hones; 4s, M-1d., 66. 66 Ib., and 16s. 112-1b. Hogs. Full Wirections for Use on each Package. Readily Bo uble in Hot or Cold Water. Analysed and appove | of by Anrava H. Hessace. M.., @0rre Memens, FC Bold by Chemis's, Patent Medicine Deaiers, oy Whotlessic London Ag: nts, BARCLAY & sone, 1.»., 05, Farrington St, B.C Proprietors, A, 63. WABREM, Wholesale sad Export Iraggists, 3 4224, REDOCLIFY STRENT, BUISTOUL. HORSE CLOTHING AND RUGS. Eee Best ond Patterns, Perfect 1t Ali Woot Write atterns (sent post fee) 9 the Wretno ~ Lan Woot scan Co, Kennet. London Agency fo Home Clothing, 18, Berkeley Btrert, Piccadilly, W. DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. For ACIDITY of ras STOMACH, MEAKTUU US, HEADACHE, GUUT, end IN DIGHSTIVN. 6o'd throughout the World. EERINGS seca. Co eyes HE ANDY. GERRY’ Nem ; HOWARD BEDFORD ae ALL FAT PEOPLE — teke THIL ENS TAWLETS Roos Ne eee: ig = Sond 3 Wa. ito Oriental = Ue ote aS- cr eEo YOUR CHI DRE DF RIDGES MILWARDS’ aly yea PATENT CONKED FOUL Pee eh ee aad

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Mar 16, 1891, The Analyst, comparing the flesh-forming ingredients in Cocoas, gives the following average :— * Flesh-forming ingredients in Natural Cocoa Nibs ee oe ee on eo - 13°00” * Flesh-forming ingredients in the best Commercial Cocoa, ‘with ‘added Starch and Sugar a e@ “ os 6°00” o Fiesh-forming ingredients in Cadbury's Cocoa, the Standard English article & : er “The process of preparation concentrates the nourishing and stimulating principles of the Cocoa bean.” “CADBURY'S COCOA BEING ABSOLUTELY PURE, IS THEREFORE THE BEST COCOA” Bom oe uno Printed by William Stuart #mith, of Loraine Road, is Gay onto en pie See eh ue County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Mesars. Bradbury, ‘ior io the Precinet of io the Floct Street, in the Pariah of 54 Bride, City of Lenéen,—Sarvapas,

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La « io) ig 2 r “ a > + i} . 4 : 4 6 > a SOCIETY PICTURES—FROM “PUNCH”—BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. The First Volume in very elegant binding (Leather back and cloth sides), will be Ready on the 25th. Price 12s. Also the Second Part, in fine cloth, Price 5s. 6d. SOCIETY PICTURES— FROM “PUNCH”-—BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. = va

Hi K } dy A— —~

, Ss # = My nM = = ci \ at l Vie ~s i i) iE Ks sx “Sh | Mi } hy) A Wt hi | wet sities ~= > ~ VOLUME ONE HUNDRED en _ a I —~— CNT ——— * — ui a MAY 23, - ee are a ek eB be VOL Bl)

F yin i pall ha a he tase .y “+ Qi WAIN ANN - ‘Ki “py i ROY A ‘ Se ry ah a a | yh ’ ait Wf Sw NN Nats + oe.

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. “~~ AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. SODA, POTASS, ’ THESE WATERS LEMONADE, C h WE 4 S — +0 BE AND TO SPARKLING MALVERN Ber Majesty the WATERS, Queen.

“BOINSd SIGH1L B0IUd

ost Vile a Newspepe,.

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AT ALL BOOK®STALLS. THE MOMENT AFTER. A Tale of the Unseen. By ROBERT BUCHANAN, Price One Shilling Lenton: Wu Hemoewarn, 21, Bedford %., WC NEW NOVEL BY H. RIDER HAGGARD, ERIC BRIGHTEYES.| By H. RIDER HAGGARD. With i7 fe are ustrations and 34 Woodcute ia he Text by Leweetor Sreep. Crown ®ve, 66 London: LO LONDON LIFE ASSOCIATION. | Beratisenen 16 ASSURANCE FUND, FOUR MILLIONS. MUTUAL ASSURANCE AT LEAST COST, No. 81, King William Street, B.C. GOMANS, GREEN, & CO. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTAPRLISHED 1825, Accumulated Fund, 7 Millions Stg, INIWLSIANI P PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Mar 23, 1891. FOR PROTECTION EDINBURGH, 8 George 8t (Head Office) LONDON, 68 King William Street, B.C. eo 8 Pall Mall Bast, 6. WwW. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies in India & the Colonies ~ ADIES” LAWN EDGER OR AUTOMATIC SHEARS. PATENTED. Awarded (after trial) Banksian Medal and Certificate of Merit of the Royal Horticultural Society. TT HIS INVENTION consists of a pair of Shears, attached to a smal! roller, which work automatically, and will cut the grass edges as fast as it is possible to push the machine along. It is as great an advance 223 3) Fae 252. Eess cTEE= a%eS 8 22 arts f= 5% 4.3” tizt ge! ar tae obz! &. @ BES S% = 234 E- 5 Pe, wea ~* .! Price, complete, 21/-, Or will be seut carefully packed on receipt of P.0.0. %/- to TR. Ceeereroree Sree rr, Lownon, F.C. TOO FAT. &. Seen Cure STOUTNESS rapidly and certainly. State height, weight. send 4 O¢., a. 64, oF lie. to De, Geapon, 10, wick Square, London, W.C. VAN HOUTEN’S cows (GOQCOA ”; Coeca- mM. CAMP. (MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.) — Ae 4 CP Pscn a Q2 y fe | 4 i breathes « fragrance, 'SWEET SCENTS LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX ee PSIDIUM MAPPIN & WEBB'S TABLE KNIVES. 2 May be obtained ined ¢ > US any Chemistor YY / ©» — Perfumer. YY, Zong gyre igwiFT” AND “CLUB” GOLDEN HAIR mew CYCLES. | ROBARE’S AUREOLINE —— PERFECTLY HARMLESS. Lendos—15 & 16 Bold by Perfumers and Chemists throughout ad ‘ the World. Bucora V.aduct. Agents: R. HOVENDEN & SONS, Loxpow Manchester— 9, St. Mary's Gate. HOOPING COUGH, CROUP. me - ont tg mas a Vie inne lenin Cc Parie—. Acaan, 328, Kue n. New York—Fovesas & Co., North William Street, A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE, TAMAR conerranirs, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss INDIEN 2225&:Seax GRILLON. E. GRILLON, 69, Queen Street, City, London. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. Gd. A BOX. AGRICULTURAL Hatt, ISLINGTON, ROYAL MILITARY TOURNAMENT, 189) QPENS TUESDAY, May 26 CLOSES SATURDAY, June ALPINE HEALTH RESORT. MALOJA, UPPER ENGADINZ, SWitzz2Luy, 6 O If, ele vation The GRAND HOTEL-EURSAAL MALOJA pen from June to September. Maguits ent catrdine. ment, with high comfort, 36) beds, spacious saloo ‘ lawn-tennis court, pavilions and sheiters, Gian covered gaileries, iit, band, electric light, ca: room ‘or photographers. loating climbing p-enics Best system Ventilation, heating. and Eng ws system of drainage. English and (a Boke che ben Residing Physician, Dr. M. G. Poster, Mau » For terms and further particulars ap) iy to M anoger BEXHILL - ON - SEA. —SACK. VILLE HOTEL.—A luxu:ious home facing the Sea and Promenade. Passenger Elevator Higs class Cuisine. Moderate Tariff Golf Links attached to the Hotel. Terms on application OXFORD.—MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDOw (GRAND HOTEL FINEST SITUATION. EVERY LUXURY axo COMFORT MOST RECHERCHE CUISINE. VERY MODERATE TARIFF. : Lancet CALLARD & BOWSER BUTTER-SCOTCH. CONDY’S FLUID. USED IN ALL HOSPITALS. CONDY’S REMEDIAL FLUID CONDY’S.—A Househo!d Word. CONDY’S.—In Sore Throats Never Fails. CONDY’S.—The Sovereign Cure for Relaxed Throat. “TI find the Condy and colt weber gie excellent. many case. being cured mediately,”—Dr. T. W. Hass “It is of great service as 0 “isin (ert ing and stimulating gargie.”"—Dr. Ware a's Hospital. SORE THROATS.—Slight Cases Cured at Once. “ Every cave showed an immeiule improvement,”—Dr. Rupprarear® COND Y’S.—Severe Sore Throat Quickly Relieved. “TI have employed it with inyatot success,”—Dr. Cuas Brie CONDY’S. —‘‘ Cleanses Wounds most rapidly.""—Dr. Pore COND Y’S. — “‘ For Irritating Dis ch en, "'—Mepical |iurs CONDY’S.—The “Lancet” says: “ Altogether it is not wonderf: (bs this Fluid has been a favourite wo scientific »nd unscientific men CONDY’S.—Everyone should reed the reports by eminent me ice! asthe tities, sffording useful informstion Pumerous ailments, issues ¥! bottle, or sent free by post on spre CONDY'S FLUID WORKS, 6, TURNMILL STREET, E.C HY BURN GAS? CHAPPUIS’ PATENT DAYLIGHT REFLECTORS Natural De ¢. Render Dark Room

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Mar 23, 1891.]

MP. PUNCH’S POCKET Acr I. je doors, revealing an elegant according to the custom of Noreegim 10 short-sighted , flabby, the dining-room, her ? other Sygate e will. [ ; ight o B. ~~ comes in, leaning Y keeper’s arm, followed Grocers WERLE. Old Werle (dejectedly). Thirteen at table! (To GREGERS, with a meaning at Hit- mak.) This is the result of vitiog an old College friend who has turned ! Wasting vintage wines on him, ! [ He passes on 5 Hialmar (to Gregers). I ra Seer ae I came. Your old min is not friendly. Yet he ae Hirt si it’s my firm belief you Hiatmar, You o—_ have been! nobility? I am not so rally cannot allgw my ol ike mind, to remain in contented to me!

(Condensed and Revised Version, by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite. ) No. 1V.—THE WILD DUCK. t Weewr’s house. In front a richly-upholetered study. ‘ green-baize door leading to Wenrur’s office, At back, open fold- | room, in which a brilliant | orenngien dinner-party 1s going on. Hired Waiters in profu- | um. A rpc S making a gy Shouts of * Brave | ‘PI Old Mr. Gans the health of his Housekeeper, Mrs. Siusy. and thin-hoired Chamberlains, enter from Hiatman Expat, who writhes shyly Cold Punch,” and follows her out in| idence wife search of it with ps 4... Gueozns approaches his trouble, La as it at bimeelf. But the descendant of two liew know very well she was no better id Werle, True—but then no more is Mrs, Séazr. And J am living in marsh chgtoaums Eetitetene ee that is. Gregers. None in the world! How can I object to a stepmother | who is playing Blind Man’s Baff at tho prasad moment with the Ginaand Hedwi N as all that. But Hialmar (eating friend Hiatmank, with his great, confid- No matter—what we have to do now, is to put my disreputable old No, Isee my missicm ia Ie at last I shall take my hat, and in him that his home is built upon alie. He will [Takes his hat, and goes out. Old Werle. Ha!—I am a wealthy merchant, of dubious morals, tnd I am about to marry my housekeeper, who is on intimate terms | Cockney M

“ Father, a word with you in private, I loathe t our own niin lemme enema old parent, ho has been | aa dialogue a cana w gledid bang for r making a frend papery UMP shall leave this | | shooting, ond we sa nets of fate myo { [Goes out hat , feeling it. on m ‘eeling it, pal irs 86 > i (archly). Any Noble here sey. Gold’ Baoeh a day's eg However, you surely need not have married our Gina to my old happy and contented as I am. frien than she Wild Pack about you." By have yo You have a good deal of the iale (coming in, in to me, and I feel | Hialmar. 1 Greoenrs, our estate is not | And my poor old father and I sometimes Bing in the garret.” He shoots with a pistol, whic _ wile bere will aall a

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 241 | with the Norwegian aristocracy. loathes IBSEN. | who is either an Ibenian ats on the Masterson ideals or elo at utterly impossible I don’t know or care which. Altogether, | flatter myself m affords an accurate and realistic picture | of Scandinavian Bociety | Acr II, (z.) a) | Hiatmar Expat’s Photographic Studio. Cameras. neck-rests, and other instruments o Hepwie, her dua — sitting up for HiaLmaR, » Conntonap, fo in bis sump with » beltincd banal and a eo iy aap pe A jug Hed ot water, doing some fresh b copy oe. Father is in "Pr. i alee ai| society, dining out. He promised he b something torture lying about, Gina Expat and Ater. aged 14, and wearing spectacles, evening dress), And he has not forgotten his child, Behold! (he rd presents her with the menu card ; A Genta ha the sole specimens of WN: a lp hed Ge st the graitade tet! Kher dining wn, As we are surviving Or- | wit anpapanen) et 1 ete a pen ai cae ea ae Wak ok Tavlos eh nT aa ere rging upon enormous amount we have ea ou am, 2a chaffing Hiatmar Expat, the friend of our . won't have any beer meet What a selfish aout es son, for being a professional Photo- Iam! (Re .) BL. yt at pet little drop. (He a plaintive io wdny py on my lite He dows.) No beer at such a we Fy ht as this] \ He drinks.) Ha, this is real domestic (Gunoxne WERLE comes in, in a countrified Shane. er have left my father’s home— dinner- 4 all—for ever, I am coming it, after ‘your father’s Javish heii. , (Hepvie goes to fetch bread and butter.) daughter—a poor shortsighted little thing—but Gregers. ~ eee has had to take to strong fre Ola xo, ean hardly see after dinner To Old Expat, who stumbles in very drunk.) How can you, Lieutenant Expat, who were such a keen sportsman once, live in this poky little hole ? Old Ekdal. I am a sportsman still. The caly Gileats te that Gnee 1 chet bears in o Seen See hee eee Sabai fe 0 gueeet. ee ee sleep on a sofa Hi our (with pride He gest quite true, ou (He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals ls ¥ fr 4 ~ its and ay effect EDVIG returns wit bread and butter, Hedvig (to Guecens). If you stand just there, you get the best Be of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of ao hoes she gives the play its < — =e has to be brought deal. so age peppered her out her life. — but - | we 7 ence: when he inte Sather, who wishes he would go. had never before living rabbit yet, faltered Gregers. Father, « word with on to peiete. I loathe you. I then. He didn’t shoot, I put it to my own head. But at the am nothing if not candid. ld Expat was your partner once, and | | decisive moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in life. & prison quite as much as he did. | Now we only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I am very [ He eats some bread and butter. about you. So have your wife and daughter. You are | and explain what | To-morrow I you out for a walk mean. It is my mission in life. Good night! { He goes out. . What was the gentleman talking about, Father? read and butter). He has been dining, you know ce of Gina's — whitebaired pariah of a parent to bed. be so much obliged legs a [He and — lift old Ecctxs—we mean old Expat —up by the nd arms, and take him off to bed as the Curtain falls,

orto ror A Feesie Cuicxerer.—* Take ’Art of Guace!”

VOL. 6.

bf

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(ebud oysodio sg) “WONNGCO ALNNOO NOGNOT 3HL YO4 3BOIARBG OC1GIWH3H GasOdoud — Yr ewer eee o> PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

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(See opposite page.) PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL.

May 23, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 243 ——

KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE. Arms. — Quarterly: 1, A female figure habited in white robes reaching to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all quite roper, for Grace. 2. A wildman or ratepayer rampant, Dr Thrift. 8. A bend (or ber) sinister on s chart vert, for Blooms % Three demi-councillors, wings elevated,

eyeglass sinister. Sinister, a Motto.—** Ubi nune sumus ?”

FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT. (A page from the Diary of a would-be but couldn’t-be Duellist.) Monday.—Arrived on the ground ready to fight my oppo- nent to the death. We had just measured the ground, when an agent of Police upon the scene, and we decamp hurriedly. Duel postponed till to-morrow. Tuesday.—New spot chosen. Pistols this time instead of rapiers. Just as we were about to fire, appearance of the agents of the law. Postponement again absolutely necessary. Wednesday.—Once more ready to meet. Both of us rather amused “== poccenione - have to ~ to ot oes ruption. Opponent o ligin ingly suggested a new and suitable spot for the settlement of our Iittle differences. Found it to be a most excellent selection, but before we could fight, once more interrupted. Both of us greatly annoyed, and arranged to meet to-morrow. Thursday.—Amused to find myself first in the field—my opponent five minutes late. Both of us come before the seconds, and so spent the time in a pleasant little chat, and cigarettes. My opponent not half a bad fellow when you come toknow him, Just as he was in the middle of a most amusing story, our seconds arrived—with the Police! Postponement “Slane tepimeeh Wisi tp tient, onli a0 mest riday.—Opponent turned up first, and, at my request, completed his yesterday’s —one of the best T have ever heard. Most amusing chap— ld have liked to have heard another, when, finding ourselyes uninterrupted, we thought we had better seize the ity to settle our affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just time to her one another, when enter the Police! Programme as ore. Saturday.—Met again. Really quite pleased to have made the acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my o ent. Fall of fun and anecdote. On comparing notes, we found that we had entirely forgotten what on earth we had guarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged that if we at anyone, our target should be the Police,

A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY. ALL who love ny crouse 6 a Clnned themenger 0b imgaeatel by 16 Saane of No. 519. “ Gorse.” By Davin Monrar. Good? Why certainly, as a matter of e. No. 6o7” Rather mixed subject, being ‘' Eventide” by Kx1ont. No. 1161. “4 Maiden Far.” By G. A. Stoney, A. Never heard of such a thing as ‘a Maiden Fair,” in tal countries. She seems to be having all the fun of the Fair to This a series Storeys in four numbers, 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his “* Tale.” “And Season. now my Storgr’s done,” that is, for this ScuLrprurE. of No. 1962. ‘* Triumph” of Apniam Jonzs, It is so. Quite a triamph, The Surras, Browns and Rosiysows nowhere compared with A. =. No. 2001. a ay ee he? _ SraNLer hoped that In-ent explorer forgive sculptor, ae A Fancy the indomitable Strawiey never yet beaten, at 1 is to be who is C. B, but Breca’d

_—

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244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 23, 1891, hath seemed to me, Next to her sat Sattr, the little mi MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS. casting coy glances at mother, who would have, none of then ta . , . with undue sternness, as then, think, tossed No, XVIII.—MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF BLACKMORE. beck to the st el ep i ont Jou 3 them (By R. D. Exmoon, Author of “‘ Born a Spoon ;” “* Paddock Rowel ;"’ | *‘ Grat Jam Doustzrace” he was ever called, not without « sly hint “ Wit and Witty ;"” “ Tips for Marriers ;” “ Scare a Fawn ;” | of increasing obesity, for Jonny, a mighty man of thews “' Brellas for Rain,” dec., de., de.) and sinews, was no small trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did “This,” writes Mr, Exmoon, “is another of my simple tales. Yet I send himself ht royally whenever porridge was in question. All these it boeth into the world thinking that haply there may be some, and they not | sat, peaceably swallowing, while I, at the table’s foot, faced mother, of the baser sort, who reading therein as humour takes them, may draw — my steaming bowl with my forefinger, forgetting the heat from it nurtare for their minds. For traly it is in the nature of fruit-trees, th . but not daring to wince, lest Berry, whose tongue cut whereof, without undue vaunting, 1 may claim to know somewhat, that the birds of the air, the tits, the wrena, ay, even unto the saucy little sparrows, whose firm spirit in warfare hath ever been one of my chiefest marvels, should ther in the branches seeking for provender. So in books, and herein too nave some small knowledge, those that are of the = y sort are ever the to be devoured. And if the public be plessed, how he that made the fee| aught but gratitude. Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth to faults f, but with humble confidence too in much compensating merit.” Cuarren I, Fare, that makes sport alike of peasants and the one to honour and a high seat, and making the other to lie low in the estimation of men, thou haply (as ’tis said in our he think no smal! beer of himself hath seemingly ordained that I Taomas Trpper, should set down in order some doings wherein I nod 0 Gam, And Pi no 8 of learning, being / undoctrined farmer and not skilled “777 in the tricks of styl, os the word | t simply to strength and (whereof, God knows, there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and to that breezy carriage || of the pen which favouretha plain (|||) /' man treading sturdily thewinding ||| native | = of kings, turning _- ji pathsand rough placesof his tongue. Notwithstanding I take no small nt from this, those that have busy of towns, not seldom steer course to fame and riches, thanks be to Heaven, I never had covetousness, d theirs the happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a slice of our coun- try cheese and a draught of the foaming cider bring contentment. sa the fashion of the TrDpLEas always been in a manner plain unvarnished, like to the large oak press Sunday cows other being at but a coarse week-day c hath ceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losi of Gove fancin, while the his limbs as though for bed. All I know cheaper than when I began to write. Cuarren II. Now it fell on a Sammer morning, I being then but come home from the Farmers’ Callege, in the ancient town of that our whole household was gathered in our parlour. Mother sat by the head of the great out a mess of porridge, not rashly, as the custom of some is, but like a prudent housewife, her own. And by her side sat Morzy and Berrr, her and next to them the maids, and they a By St HISTLEDEW, ga unni wart her face, and over her hooked nose, like to the = yaw ee a ‘ such my marks were alwa) being better skilled in the giving af rape eek the eiel het tena, in the making of maps with inky fingers—a bootless toil, as it always Cuarrer III, | thoughts wore deepl that of | view and on rising of maids, what a jumping gowns, and what a scurrying I went over the Atrnovex I had, for the most part, so v my bow! stood always first for the refilling, | food that day, but idly sat and s / inward with the t. But, on a sudden, what a turmoil, irs, what a drawing up se eA 7 weiiding sodately y; never so much as asking by leave or with your leave, Then mother’s old tom-cat, Trouncer slowly ri stretches his li for what is to come, but not, i nti much alacri and dwelling of rat, y , and bares his claws, thin confii cats their fore-pa spring. f been feel Cuarrer IV. Now I with Rowser at my heels went manfully on my way. brown wastes where hispering of shrewdly when she had a mind, should make sport of me, my mind comes Great Jan’ at last—where hath the Terriers with lately the fir E E e & \F custom ? Romain | upon Zrouncer, claws. Trouncer i = E 3 : ib ity for for rats have teeth, srouncer Snowe EE oe ae them to m Therefore Trouncer, making belief brave, as is the and of others that walk two legs, and have thumbs gathers himself it springs not. " ; both Er : E 355 S Sef to s8azr scant rliF zB H E TeeEEEE i

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aES Ged keFzE || | FSSA SS RSESTSRkcsari Fe PF hei Fakes “Fes ek a s RSSSAPORES F

| * SSS SP EAN RESES EES

May 23, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

but in a moment I was with them, and his hs eluteh. Quickly he turned upon me and fain Our breast-bones cracked 8 wo I round me, and a hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he had me off my feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to the right, and then with one last heave I flung him on his back, and had the end of it, leaving him dead and flattened where he lay. Cuarrer V. Tuen gently I bore my Manian home, and mother greeted ber fondly, saying, ‘‘ Miss Murrer, I presume?” which pleased me, thinking it only right that mother should use ceremony with my love. But she, poor darling, y hee and pale, scarce knowing her own happiness or the issue of fight. For ’tis the way of women ever to faint if the occasion serve and a man’s arms be there to (ee quien to ths gusting of bettorsens ani dckdes, Hea asses r) ps ‘ them fleefully.to the gold and silver of a rich man’s coffers, m darling, now grown matronly, sitteth on the tuffet in their and the tale of giant zk and his fate.—[THE END. ]} 5 F ; F 4

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. One of our “* Co.””—and the Baron may observe that, when ‘‘ Co.” is written it is not an abbreviation of ‘‘ Coves”—has been reading Sir George (Buntixx), a Novel, which Mrs, Hennixenr has the courage

= ~ from the Kast.” We assume that, as soon as respirators blew from the West, this injune- ion would Ny =e wn. But, ae, yen gets fered in er story, the style improves, ** which’s” disappear as id in Machbeth’s time, and the tale is told in simple strenuous » Uncle George is a character finely conceived, and admirably drawn. The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. Hermemann, for sending a volume of Dz Quincery’s Posthumorous Works. A small dose of them, taken y the last thing at night, may be con- fidently recommended to admirers of The Opium Eater, and will robably be found of considerable value to some who hitherto may | hard da ave been the victims of insomnia. recommended by the Faculty. ( Signed.) Barow pe Boox-Worms & Co,

EVENINGS FROM HOME. Art the Court Theatre, Le Feu Soabet, adapted for the English | th. y stage as The Late Lamented, is decid funny, that is, if you can once get over the idea that all its humour depends upon the im- moral vagaries of an elderly scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has departed this life in the odour of respectability, without his im- moralities ever having been discovered. Had he been found out daring his lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and punished accordingly. This piece has been ted from the French for the English stage ; but, query, is it adapted to an English poutily ating ens onegie titan ten Bath hae alts fx, honk le can carry | i ; for, fis, Seam Woon has had better chan yet she has never worked harder, and never she more deserved the laughter oe ai. ome toy be said of Soe ie ILLIPPI, an . ARTHUR Gum, w e-up is especially the dressing and colouring of hair, which is an artistic trum Mr. Girsget Farqvuar’s Mr, Fawcett, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun of bplig led wy be ep me Mrs. Jonn Woop; and Mr. Cars, as Parker, the tial vant, is excellent. There’s ty of “‘ go” in it, but will it “‘ sta ”? ; 1 y go t, y ad and at the Lyceum! The Corsican B Nance Oldfield! eg ad py aed Chorus, iltwo Oldworthys. Mr. Wanmam as Oldfeld Senior, or the O

Gentlemen, if ma please, ‘ For—all fancy, D upon N; 1’ Oar Hcy i charming in thi wo natural ands theatre ha. as ’ characters that Nance ciuund, Der “Ge Eitx: og Tay cle dele tenly at Cone ee B to say that a coun attorney Se ceuth onl Mestavun, Hien dieender, the Saray rater Sans ear a wi is hands and arms; but in Ww y Ing aaoeepee Biss ao yee 00 Ge ck a. beerfod » 2 was touching and going. Henceforth, young actor ma justly describe himself as of the ‘* Touch-an “the livin’ skeleton” mentioned by Sam Weller, “proud o’ the title.” Miss Kare Partxirs as Anne’s sister—though, as Mr. T-LE ‘observed, as she is younger than 4 her Anne-sister—is as bright and lively as menial position, which is rather odd in her sister's Mistress Nance Texry ; you’!l find her very much “‘ at home ” i part. After which The Corsican Seathete maa Shen cad ob. When some years the Isvingsogns vermen it was the twin who lived a Fabien, used to behave in the wildest Corsican way. that saw it some years ago does not remember how he used to chuck his 2S Te it caught on to a hook in the wall! gusto he used to y badiah, is a trifle too blusterous, but on the other hand, I am not r of that period oung ™* j Aw WS ~ > S . S : ‘ Lh — v ' < ~ ‘ . - 4 7 Co" - The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the Lyceum. light a tiny cigarette from an enormous brand snatched from the burning wood fire on the hearth! how badly the i from Paris fared in the Corsican household where he full of Parisian gossip, never gets a chance, as Fabien tells him family stories one after the other, as if he hadn’t had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever so long. Then, when on the entrance of his mother Fabien breaks off in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently can’t be told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees something like an opening for some light Boulevaraian chit-chat, is presented with a flat candlestick being allowed a word to say for himself. as ever; there have been no alterations nor repairs ; curiously old-fashioned oo ane Cho cpeeneiny qos eetanses 5 while the M ol Beliet the Opasbend SEDee the as ever, and the latter, i eg eae. fight of it, do Moser Irving dei Franchi and M. ud, until vey

Tae Errwemic.—Up to now Members of Parliament have been oe ya as “ influential ” year many .P.’s will be remembered as “‘ very

Gee a itll ik

ad EN de BIT 6 li. RUT SOE 2 i ks ca abcess

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Mar 23, 1891,

iy wy Lire!”

—F SINC, BUT ~) SN ee THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)! Daughter of the House. ‘‘ Tait me, Paorzsson Borax, HOW DID YOU LIKE THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO DinnzER!” The Professor (innocently), ‘‘My pean GIRL, SHE 's SIMPLY THE MOST CaeARMING Woman I EVER MET!

an. iF. ww Hare Y/ /A A 4 “ il; - 7h ‘ ——e — — I wevern TALKED sO MUCH

IN A MAZE, “ Mr. Batrovur brought up a new sub-section, which he admitted was so obscure that he only ‘more or less’ understood it himself, and which, indeed, is of ‘p'wsquam-Thucydidean’ dimness and involution. . . . There is no excuse, we must sxy, for the muddle into which the Government has got over the Bill., .. The House of Commons has adjourned for a short holiday, but the Irish Land Purchase Bill is not yet through Com nittee. ...++ There still remained all the new clauses, for which no time had been found.” — 7imes. Lattle Bill loquitur :— Om do, if you please, Mr. Baxrovr, Sir, if you can,—and who can if you can’t, Sir ?— Get me out of this Meze, where for days and days I have strayed till I’m of a t, Sir. Twelve moaths ago we started, you know, and I’ve been on my feet ever since, Sir. And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the k and the pains in my back make me wince, Sir. Mister Hoop’s “‘ Lost Child” wasn’t half as bad, for he only strayed in the gutter, While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze ; and my feeling of lostness is utter, Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old Hampton Court isn’t in it. Oh stop, do stop! for I feel I shall drop if I don't sit down helf a minute. I really thought you knew the way out— which I own 7’m unable to guess, Sir— And now ’twould appear you are far from clear, and are puzzled ‘‘ more or less,” Sir. The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the

It must be hundreds ani hundreds of miles along which we have staggered and stumbled. I thought you were a cool card, Mister Batrove, and did know your way about, Sir, Bat what I should like to know at present is, when'we are like to gat out, Sir. How Lansy will laugh at the Labyrinth- maker, who gets lost in his own Great Maze, Sir! Don’t say, Sir, pray, that you’ve lost your way,—you, whom people so cosset and praise, Sir, You won't be hurried, and you can’t be Gosme, ond you're always as cool as a cucumber. Can a little ’un like me, your own child, don’t you see, such a smart pioneer as are you camber ? You, the modern Theseus? Where’s your Ariadne? Oh, I know you are cool, jand clever, Yet I feel a doubt. When shail we get out ?— which I can’t go on wandering for ever! Mazemaster loquitur :-— a H- Yes, I “<q plan, and a y one, too, ; But—I fear—for a sunmnent—T "vo~ lect” the elue! Ah! I’mawfall Seng mogen, boy! You have been on your feet for « precious long time, and all this roundaboutation, Is “* plusquam-Thucydidean,” perhaps, and at any rate mean aggravation. ll please understand I’m a very hand;” there’s abundance of

hedges so jimble jumbled And though for a jiffy I seem at a loss, don’t you come for to go for to doubt me. Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated the clue I’velet slip for a moment And Lazsy, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout and indalge in invidious comment: The Times, too, may gird, and declare ’tis absurd not to know one’s own Labysinth better. The Zimes is my friend, but a trifle too fond of d the scourge and the fetter ; En a You really can’t rule the whole civilised world with the aid of the whip and the closure ; Though I should enjoy—but no matter, my boy, let us try to maintain our composure: When shall we get out? That’s a matter of doubt, cross- hedges my pathway still chequer, The clue I’ve let slip, but you just take my tip; we’ll get clear—if you keep up your pecker

Change for Thirty-Five Shillings. THERE is a singular directness of purpose in the following advertisement which appears in the Daily News :— Rue (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. 35s. The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the exact sum. It seems odd. One often wants change for a sov and even oftener wants the yong itself. But what precise coin a man you when he wants thirty-five shillings change is not quite

‘humour ” about me, clear.

—

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oo = eo = or @ «.-« _—eaen — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 23, 1891. = | J Ne P — z ~ ~ Bae BE = 3 = = eS = = . AAA NS \ { SFA ANSON = ; TS = chat UNA ow iv 4” \\ > AE fat Fy, .| wort ‘ wh J 4 yy. \) AS ha’ vu \ \ ’ -~ Se) we . WV See, AY SS , A ; \ : : Yi \ V W vf) \ y MA at iM \p 4 A i i.¥ \ \ Je % Aa ( Wy (s ANS Pn ~* AS OAT | ’ Mig 1 JAW \" ' ' . AN VAY hl VAL ’ vs ». .\ yuh \ \ ' \ ae ) SY i / / \ \ x ' : } \, N V7, tN, \ : j \ . 4 y ”) ANS yf \) Nii Wary Ws \W yes ae. VRE AAS . WRAY SS . SX ~ ~ rm SON XY ®& ~~ IN A MAZE. Masters Lawn Brit. “OH, MR. BALFOUR, I’M SO TIRED!” Mz. B, “CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE RIGHT,—AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE OUT OF [T!!” ——

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Mar 23, 1891.] _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ = ee . a Dealer's Man (confidentially), ‘‘ Nicz 'Oss, Siz. Just surr you, Str. Nice permiscvovs ’Oss, Sim !—vov caw Sit ov ni A’MOST ANYWHERE /” LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. Bilkbury, May 5.— Received the following letter from TotLanp yesterday :— Dean Mn. Patrie, 45, Main Street, Billsbury, May 3, for th pay - teen r 5) at waht oolock ” at the or the a ° P.M. Benconehall Chub, ty qumiiies anise lan t questions affecting your Candidature and the plan of to be adopted in prose- —a I trust that may be able to make it convenient to atte and shall be glad to i Sir Taomas Cavsson’s health is causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He has attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many of the advanced section by his conduct over the Strike Subvention Bill, which was backed by the Labour Mem- bers, Sir Tuomas, however, abstained from the division on the fond Deane IS fs iat pene Ooh soee the ye he may decide to bp Chiltern Hundreds very shortly, we must be emergency. Yours y; James ToLLayp, It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the Bettamrs to the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to dine and go to the theatre with the Jacxsows. Had to everything. x BatLauy will be to her to and They take hee ee Ho's oho 2 hanging roan. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in Many's Confession in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to show it to Vuttiamy, who hates him) :— Though, when he ’s asked bis favourite name, a man is apt to stare, he Must answer, if he knows what’s what, “My favourite name is Many.” And this:— The vice I detest and abhor above all Is not dancing four times with yew at a ball. And in answer to the question, ‘‘ What or who would riher in Doc enaemeaeeie = I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your hair, Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed upon the stair. They all admired this when I called the other day, if I didn’t think it wonderfally clever. I know, when I wrote my answers in her album, it took me days of pare ym “ thoes i i thonyht the am , common owever y Mary, and now Pomrazt in with his confounded h Mrs, Bettamy’s father once pu i talked of in the household as told me that she thought ‘‘a of a truly refined and delicate the most The Latest ‘‘ Labor Program.” (By a New- Unionist.) 1am all for myself true That the “labor” I love is regardless of “ u.” Sot, per contva, in “ you s00 Thrash 1 wink (with two Ya) I elimlaate “toa,”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. MOUtE of Cor POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS. (By Our Own Instantaneous Photographer.)

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(By Our Own Instantaneous Photographer.) Mar 23, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. IN A LOCK.—A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE. “Lock! Lock!”—Shock! Rock! That’s a pretty frock batetng over Ge auamete’ She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, which to Seniegort of Go Sena anaes Sasa though we're ully crow ida Better this than St. ’ -lock! Our serious Senators out for a jehy day With pole t nicer oe than keeping It were With Spirit Daties! fg beauties in Cambridge blue are exceeding bonny ; B-LF-k now at that same boat’s bow would be quite in his element—eh, my ary Ui And OLp Moraurry cooling legs in the stern-sheets yonder would find the steering -u H-ty jeering. Easier far than amidst the jar of St. ’s, hot with 8-1-8B-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, wood put his back—that broad back of his !—in it. Don’t be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall all et out in another minute. sever. What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, the ekilful, the dull, the clever, j The snake-swift “swell” and the splashing ’Anrr, the puffing launch, and the trim outrigger, The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy punter w e a nigger, All will anon be wall cat in tho-ctiting, the old qnied shutting slowly behind them, And where are those who so shoved to the front? At the tail of the race you may trie them. The G. O. M. eo his collars for sails), that jaunty skiff might ing. Bless us! ; he holiday, he w! toil seems to encoil like a shirt of Nessus ? (C-"w-nou-m Ga-HA-M, Well, Unionist or Separatist, or chap with a twist like Or howling Part, or Aristocrat with manners like Baum- MEL and voice li RAHAM, P: ppery G-scu-m, or H-ne-er, or genial Su-TH, the new- arden, All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream like Can Mi aoa eae ¢- than t in blue and joi uch worse t in blue a crew on the rolling river, pe , leaving ** im * ie LS ny FS tal or And Influenza, and ‘ Obstructions,” party- _ jobbers, all one ——— i leek o sunny weather to crowd together oulsey , or it might be Boutrsr’s! ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. The Kennel, Barks, avidetts May 15.—This entry in Diary is dated from my ance home, pleasantl in the County I have the Ranser te pessment.” Hoven’ estminster this week. usual been to W Hear, through channels of information, that House to-day for hitsun Recess, hen I say House, I mean fragment residuum left at Westminster ; and jog off comfortably or dinner. All Parties and all ‘sections of pe represented. SpzaxeR and Chairman of Committees stick to Wi - But we have Gonsr, one of the Deputy-8 who presides with and despatch. Jackson after arrangement of AKERs- UGLAS W up the Conservatives, assisted by SrpNzr Axzravrs Huu. Tuomas Esmonpe brings up to the scratch T. Swirt MacNert, and Prerce On Micuaxt Bac sits in Treasury Estas ear We at Tice Basan ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY. Young Lady, ‘‘AND Now, JANE, WHAT'S THE NEXT THING TO DO, AFTER PUTTING THE MEAT AND PoTATORS IN THE Srewran?” Village Girl, ‘‘ Puxasz, Miss, wasn THE Baby!” whilst Kwursrorp and Dzrsr look down from Peers’ Gallery. On Front Oppo- sition Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds Jouw Moriey, Ornonne ap Monoan, Kar-Suurrtewonts, and Monpecta. Wotmer not yet arrived, but daily expected. Meanwhile Jouw Lussocx, Muniz, T. W. Russxit, and the Wiwa- cious Wicatn here, ready to obey the Whip when issued. Cuaries Forster after petitions for us; Franx Locxwoop draws us out (or in, as the case may be) ; ALexnxon Bortuwicx throws an air of fashion- able society around us; the Keverberating CoLoms lifts his tall head in our midst; Isaac HoLpew never tires of telling the fascinating story of how he discovered the lucifer-match ; Hzwnixer Heatow passes the time writing letters to Raixzs, and complains that the Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatious) fumigated before opening them; Szrmour Keay says he must get back to West- minster (acbedy stys hits nay), ox Lend BE) woul bogeting, pases h Committee; and Sen is the Grand Young Garver and wife — Lady ing down on us from Ladies’ Gallery. Have on the whole a good time. Looked “ say 80; de Lanson, of course, if you er it; a pi ¢ at dinner with a fried sole a steak ; or, if da are lred of champagne, takes pint of slae with a of port. breath, dear friend ; say '50; three glasses Tue Dis-Ogper or tHe Day.—In the House of Commons on the Motion of the First Lord of the T , it was resolved that Influenza, M. ~ Qeslntins be adding” a of fro Deseaten. pro ey moved to 7 at once. was nem, con, pa RN He ik was thereupon uenza. the ground that if he did he might catch it, After some conversation the debate .— Eztr the was bier oy Perla left way liana generally act from & a

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"952 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 23, 1891, A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS! By «a Perplexed Reader of the Penny Papers.) Wuew you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (te adopt a suggestion of GrLBERT’s), ; - When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, or munched too many walnuts or filberte ; When your brain isa maze, and creation a haze, then each queer social craze —there are many !— Gets your wite in a spool, and there isn’t a fool for your thoughts would advance you a penny. You can’t sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, though you timidly shrink from it, harries you. Your wit’s in 2 whisl, as you think, if some girl with a penchant for you, ups and marries you. ’ And ties you for life to the thing called a Wife,—that figment, that fraud, that illusion, here, what will you be? And you a --.3 AN can’t find a key to the epoch’s chaotic “ confusion. [majority It seems Local Option is sure of and what « tyranzic May “opt” for one day, you're unable to say, and in vain you appeal to Authority. : The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you can’t under- stand, nor can anyone, ‘ ; ’ And that is a thought, with delirium fraught, an appalling, if ’tis not a penny one. Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, absurdly romantic and maundering ; Sentiment wandering. And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and in dim deserts of Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both Della-Crusean and drivelling, Life (barring the fun) like ‘‘ The Mulberry One,” seems a mixture of diddling and snivelling. j There's Lawsow who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, and would lay his claws on the Nation, _ compensation ; And put sudden stopper on all that’s imqroner (as he thinks) without And then there’s Sir Epwaxp, who, he have Ais reflections nightmarish ! - ‘ : It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs are scarce_fit to govern a parish. : , McDovcatt again, is agog to restrain all that gives Ais soul pain— it’s a squeamish one !— He thinks he’s a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere Angry Boy he, not a Beamish One! {a dust up These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick such a doose of One would think without them we were wrong stern and stem, and the whole of creation would bust “2 But verily why men should new worship Hymen,—who, just as un- shackled as Cupid,— [ceive. It seems stupid (See decision + Jacnson), take burdens their backs on, I cannot con- Beyond all ex ion to have a “* possession” whose “ ownness” there ’s desperate doubt of, 3 : And which (if she’s nous) you —_ keep in your house, nor yet (if she’s * savvy ”’) keep out of What is *‘ Hymen’s halter”? I fidget and falter! The Beaks seem to palter and fumble. In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and vow that the world is a jumble. (eaboodle (as’ Any sees Law seems a wig noodle, as tame as a poodle, the whole Is ructions and ‘ ” a lot of confounded old a a **head” like bad night, makes me wake in a from visions most solemn of colamn on column of such ‘‘ printed matter” and paragraph chatter, as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter upon a lead platter—as mad as a hatter, and who will relieve me? Can anyone? goes bedward, must | also IN RE THE INFLUENZA. (An Autobiographical Note on the appearance of the Epidemic in the Law Couris, ) Owe to recent sentimental legislation, many members of rned profession, to which I have the honour to ae, their practice becoming (to quote the poet) ‘small by degrees and beautifully less.” Times were when . ., of I could scarcely pass a week in term | time without appearing in Court ||| holding a consent brief, or armed with authority to move (unopposed) for the appointment of a receiver, But that was long ago—a deep con- trast with to-day—when my ad- mirable and excellent Clerk Portixe- TON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too ample, time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, Catching. so to speak, the chambers I occupy, and such a gleam was m retention for the Defence in the cause of Quicksilver y. Nore. pen a Patent Case, and one of the deepest possible interest. It is m peed Festune te know the Defendant personally, and it was i pk meg apres ep yy him were left who is unj ve my chambers. My friend and client ( ustly said to eccentric in his habits) has — = paten qutal & most important invention, which greatly facilitates the retention of dinner- i i napkins, after those useful, nay, ~~: articles have ~' sabe Li the patent T mplial Ps © ring uable inventions, is simplicity = consisting of the section of the thicker end of pe tusk to an ap iate size and hollowed out. dinner-napkin in such a fashion that, when inserted i by the adherent its shape is r juced in other materials, eB E y the ivory. The patent can also be prod such as gold, silver and jewels for the wealthy even glass for purchasers of smaller means. I m the ring was shown to me I was y struck with the cleverness and simplicity of the idea, and not understand how Mr. Quicx SILVER could have allowed himself to be so badly advised as an action for infringement, merely on the i a dinner-napkin-holder with the ring element so far introd that it consisted of a circle closed and opened by a hi it was no part of my duty to advise the other si get up my case (as [ invariably do) con amore. causes in the Digest, that seemed tobe on all-fours wi' in dispute, and spent days in the Pobiie igus the Pa’ searching for patents having to do with specifications were not consecutively published, I had a large number of these interesting documents that treated of : E i seestyrr eet iretetiie other subjects. For instance, the pak pee oy « I would take out of the box in which it was kept, have to do with house- raising without disturbance to the i the second would to be an article half umbrella, half revolver, while in the third would perhaps find an extremely quaint for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself picked up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do nothing else, at to perfect a clever if little contrivance of my own for vaded by burglars by casement I valuable little instrument (which is founded to simple construction by which the + are enabled to advance an il i i F i z H J ] a i ii #3 : ; ae f ee i i! Fs ay CP NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when sccompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rae

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= ~—— BAS >> FoSRESR SSR as FARTAFaresSses tter E Asses reei Sears! \F ce CURIOUS OLD HIGHLAND WHISKIES . « 7 1 15 & 25 years in wood, a 48/- 60/- 72/- 120/- An eminent Medical —a oi, mending the moderate nse states that On no account — be used unless it is well matured. Detailed List on ap, MOREL BROS., COBBETT ETT & SON i ioeehprnas 210 & 211 18 & 19, PALL L; ‘ 148, REGENT 8T. Whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B, COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878, KINAHAN’S “its conta TURE, MILD, AND LL Se eat panicio ius yon WHO some, WHISKY, THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1965. GUILDFORD STREET, YORK ROAD, LAMBETH, 8.2. . THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY Sagar. Ts not stored in Sherry Caska. toa raSETZS, GOUT, & EiDHEY CoMPLarNTs. “Certainly seems to deserve its name.” —Lancsr. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID, GEO. BACK & CO.,, Devonshire Square, London. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 28, 1891. CONGENTRaTED SOLUBLE FRY’S PURE “f condider ft & very rich, delitious Cotth:”—W, & &, STANLEY, ud, COCOA TH BEAUTY OF THE 5 ENHANCED BY PUD 0 1MOUR (Prepared by Picats Fabars, de a ‘i urs), Toilet toma combining ever ic and Temi beautify ae th in, will be Ms maid Fives med ng : most wil ‘ it most soothing and pleasant a M ok) = darker tas: Baseht > 5 we artiscial light. from sence vase, te te 34, Price 1s. rie Sat A To be at nad of a Hage And 91-95, CITY ROAD, E.C., , Lon Don. “JOHANNIS” KING OF TABLE WATERS. CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH WATURAL GAS. Prevents Gout, Rheumatisin, and Indigestion. Mixes “Spurha oe well it Wines, irits, Not medicinal, but an res t.. nate -promoting rage. SUPPLIED AT abs, ‘rinst-c S& HoTeLs AND RESTAURAN Sample Cases of 50 pints, 18/6, tnelading bottles. JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd., a GERMANY, HOLESaLe Sronts— ta, WHARF “pend. CITY ROAD, LOlDOR, | FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE, 2 Million Bottles filled in 1878. 18 Million wy yy 1890 | Apollinaris “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,” | ee a a ee eel “ Cosmopolitan.” Barrisn Mepicat JovrwAL ae Le bie tek 2 nmr, oe USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, ~ BEST In Tins, 18., 98., 6s. and 10s, each. SAVORY & MOORE, tonoon, AND SOLD EVERYWHERE. Y/, Cc. : j aa taal PHT ya and bear has Sfawrer | aries | ar = hh A. PRIEDERION, Purveyor to MH. M. the King of Heranka, Mle Agents; RB, HOVERDEN & BONS, London, MADE WITH BOILING WATER, EPP S8’'8 CRATEFUL—COMFORTING as Boalt mm WITH Borie w ee Botanic Medicine Co.,3 NewOxtordst.,W.0. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED RUTRITIONS. DELIC DIGEST ® EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1889, COCOA ano MILK); Tins, ls, 6d, and 2s. 64, SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAVELLERS, DELICATE CHILDREN, WEAK DIGESTIONS. obtainable everywhere. LOHSE'S CKCHEN THE VALLEY = . 1" ee —=For ARTISTS. — Calla 9 Tate Bhs habe: ont co ap BE aN for “ Collas ” hy eh, Bteve — 1 ‘v T'S NEW D STATES Low — DEROLSTEIN BEFORE HREARPAST. “| Drink GEROLSTEIN ABD WHISKEY AFTER PREAKraAsrt. Drink GEROLSTEIN AND RED WINE FOR PINKER. Drink GEROLSTEIN ARD WhIskeY ATER PIxwen A Geroletein Coys, 158, Cheapside. WRIGHT Ss COAL TAR: TABLETS SOAP

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Mar 23, 1891. And we both desde as half ‘the world knows, "Fhough:a capital couple ,we WONT WASH CLOTHES. “* By permission of Mr, Osbert Henderson, Glasgow.” The World’s most Marvellous Cleanser and Polisher. Makes Tin like Silver, Copper like Gold, Paint like New, Windows like Crystal, Brass Ware like Mirrors, Spotless Earthenware, Crockery like Marble, Marble White. FOR A THOUSAND HOUSEHOLD USES. — ont tery, pias Pee cry, tamer, mg Oveess ot missions. ot 2, Printing Qos of Mow Dense. gene cm ans BATURDAY. eveny fe) “ I a 4 z 2 a

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NOW READY. | 46 4 +? 4 | “ There could surely be no more delightful ‘ O ciet ictu res volume for a drawing-room table than these The First Volume ‘SOCIETY PICTURES,’ with their genial satire, their fancy, grace, refinement,—and all the other In quite a new bindin 66 99 of special design. od From PUNCH. piquant and exquisite qualilies one associates th th rnh Price 12/- By GEORGE DU vane pat, and pooh ag MAURIER’S

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AGRICULTURAL HALL, ISLINGTON. MILITARY ROYAL TOURNAMENT, 1891 oF HEE EN NAGE Qt UNDER THE PAT MAJESTY THE (LOSES SATURDAY, June 6. “ WHITEHALL COURT.” ‘ RESIDENTIA FiAT FACING THAMES EMBANKMENT AND WHITEHALL FPLACE, aw ent a tes are fitted with every modern } Water, Fier tric Theee excel OonVenience. eg and Cold Ligvt and Be Visitors end Servants’ Lifts in operation night and day, and occupy the finest position in London, affording extensive views of the Kiver (with the Surrey Mille in the distance) end the + mbankment Gardens They are also most tonvenientiy and centrally situate with respect to the principe! Clade, Thestres,@c. The rooms are 8!) finish o to sult the wishes of incoming Tenants, an he rente« Inciade «li Rates, Taxes, Water Burply. Nubting and heating of the (o ridors and hialresses, a ¢ the services of all the Porters. The Buites may be viewed atany ‘ime on a)plication to the Puperintendent. J. Scumerrieip, at the Office on the premises; or to Haurrow * Sows hetate Agents, 1, Cockepe ate Watcrice Hows a WwW ot Ladies, Write at once to the DARLINGTON MILLS YO. THE NEW SUMMED PaTTZDNS oF HENRY PEASE & CO.'S SUCCESSORS’ World-renowned CROSS-WARP SERGES Sent POST FREE on Approval. Woven tn Double Threads both ways of the Cloth, from Pure Elastic Englieh Wools —Elegance and @ Wear Combined — Always in on. Any le _* ut, no Matter how short. —Any article Rot avproved exchanged with Seven Days.— Ali Goods are warrented to be «qua! to sampie.— Carri ge Paid on @l! Orvuere t any Maliway ~tation fo Great Britas 4 and to Dubiir —_ fact. Limevick, ork and W ater o. HY. PEASE & C0.'S SUCCESSORS, The Mills, Darlington. London Sale Room ;—244. REGENT STREET. Over JEFF'S the Furriers.) C. BRANDAUER & CO.’S CIRCULAR POINTED Soreut DENS the poivt: Being rounded c ) gegen suctvPENS Tiisze Medals awarded, Pol wrt D “ Graduated Attention is a * drawn to their new Berirs of Pens,” one pattern being made im 4 degrees of Hexibiity, and each in 3 widths ef points Assorted Rample Mox of either series, 64., oy 7 the Works, hiaminenas. poet for PUNCH, OR _THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Mar 30, 1891. FIRST—AND—FORE MOST. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR. NOTE. — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 1856; not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has now an equal claim to the public confidence. “HEAVIEST POSSINLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE, “MIGHEST ATTAINABLE @UaALiTY.” (Keep) “UTNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. ours, SAMUEL) BROTHERS haveresdy for immediate use a very na send, a Parreans of Mareniate the wear 4 Gentie- men, dies, together ‘with their new ye aT a- WORTH et CIE. (UNDER ROYAL PATRONAGE.) CORSETIERES. 134, NEW BOND STREET, W. T0 GAVE THE TEETH, USE DAILY THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER Beautifies and Preserves the Terra In-parts a Sweet Fragrance to the Bugara. Is Cooling and Kefreshing to the Moura. And takes away smell of Topacco. N.B —The success of this the first liquid Dentifrice made in Envland has led to many tmsuRiogs cee OY It is necessary for purchasers to see . & C.'s signature band on each Botte. iy yet éd., and &. 64., of all Chemists and Stores. or on post free, from &. BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL Leovr 400 vin This furnishes details of the various with Price I ac. jy 4 8 Chippi ton Riding aad pery Frm Tweeds, Cheviots, ges, &c. Avery large asso: tment of the productions of this eminent firm ts “ Brox” Serr. always kept im stock. SAMUEL BROTHERS, Merchant Tailors, Outfitters, 4¢.. 5 & 67 | wposte b Mus. LONVON = Workshops; Ladgate Hill; and 46, Grey's Inn Road CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES. Pare Loers sant reec, 128, QUEEN VICIORIA STREBT, E.C ; 8, ST. JAMES'S STKEERT, Pall Mall. London. RANSOMES’ At the Jubilee Meet ee of the ee “, incsor, Her Ma the Queem and H Ww os Vietoria of Pressia «each j chased a Ranseme Lawn Mower LAWN MOWERS THE BEST in tke WORLD. “ “Oman Avromaron,” “ Wont.” and Mowens, in oll sizes to suit every requirement. All Machines sent on « Month « Free Tria) amé Carriege Paid. Supplied all lrommon vers. RANSOMES, SIMS & JEFFERIES, L4., Ipswich DP TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. SCRUBB'S (, Coy) AMMONIA, Manvewueus PREPARATION. Refreshing as a Turkish Bath. 7 valu able for Toilet pur 1 Cleansing Preparation for the Hair Siains and Grease pur- ‘Port saxo =p Removes f — pots ‘to Ca pets. 1 Jewellery ten baths. s, Chemists, &c. SCRUBB & Co., 15 Red Cross St., 8.6. For HEALTH. For PLEASURE, For BUsINES= “SWIFT” AND “CLUB” LES. Over 20 Years the Leading Lendco—16 & i$, Eclborn Viaduct. Manchoster— ters Fars. “CO. LIM. een COVENTRY MACHINISTS? NOTICE.—ESPECIALLY To LADIES. ™ | ALFRED WEBB MILES 4 C)MPANY, 0,and 8, BROOK oTREET, HANO SQUARE, LONDON, W., Having completed extensi ve additions to f= oe beg to notify the opening of a JEPARTMENT for the supply of JUV! BT CLOTHING. A select variety of fashionati; attire suitable for boys from four years of age, comsisting of -erge Man o' War Suits, Scotch Kuickerbocker Suits, Rugby Suits Eton Suiis, Covert Coats, nverness (apes, &c., &c., of the highest class and newest style, will be always kept in stock ready for immediate uve at moderate prices for cash pay- ments. Telegrephic address, W css Mites, London. Telephone 2979. Close at 2 Fu. on a vs HOWARD BEDFORD | BALING PRESSES. REAL GERMAN HOLLUW GKOUND KROPP RAZOR. Never Requires Crinding. Black Handle, 5/6. Ivory Handle, 7/6. From all Dealers. London, W. | Wholesale, Ossounsz, Gannett, & Co., D'!AMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and — D!AMONDS of all colours. STREETER & COMP, Gem Experts, Bond St, London. j | J STREETER & COMP.’S SPECIALITIES. ROWLAND’ OXFORD.—MITRE HOTE, ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIC\: FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE ae aie BEXHILL: - ON - - SEA. —SAcy OTEL.—A iuxurious home fac, 4 he Sea and Promenade. Passenger Elevator h class Cuisine. Moderate Tariff, Golf Links ateacny to the Hotel. Terms on application BRIGHTON HOTEL MeTRoPO OW oe LEBRATED BUTTER: SCOTE (ome Fone Lancet. HOOPING COUGH, CROUP. HERBAL EMBROCATION. The medic id effectual cure without intend Bold by most Chemists. Price 4 Parie—f. Acann, 328, Rue St. New York—Fovoras & Co,, North Wii em stew pCARIc The ‘Acarie’ sits so —_ onthe shou ders and is — st yr: so —_ elastic called that whilst to the litte Bs. yh A clip for sup bie strain, it ee 7 is virtually impercept- ble to the wearer. v *Ntrarep par° Tho Best Present A WOMAN caz give 4 Lis. OF ALL HOUSIERS EVERY = os Waeeeees 15, 16, & 17, Corearsipe If any siewty in emalniex, ome _— ied @s.), or ay a tees, Central Depa 6, .PRILIE nth, 1 Loxioe Cy | and a pair wil be mailed free by MACASSAR OIL Nourishes and Preserves the He, makes it Soft and ot omy and is the BRILLIANTINE E being not too greasy ordryins ; * ally suited for Ladies’ and U4 Hair ; was, 3. éd.; Whitens theTee, ODONT Prevents Dees Sweetens the Breath. Sold a oe MWe. 74.5

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Ie Specia! et tention © called sie to the itt clip for sup porting the Grawert. Mar 30, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 253 MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. ‘(Condensed and Revised Version by Mr P.’s Own Harmless Ibsensis. No. IV.—THE WILD DUCK. Acr III. A photograph has just been taken. Gina and HeEpvie are tidying up. Gina (apologetically). There should have been a lancheon-party in this Act, with Dr. Retiine and MOtvrx, who would have been in a state of comic “* chippiness,” after his excesses overnight. Bat, as it hadn’t much to do with such plot as there is, we cut it out. It came cheaper. Here comes your father back from his walk with that lunatic, Young WeRitE—you had better go and play with the Wild Dac [Hepvie goes. Hielmar (comi in). I have been for a walk with Gaxcrns ; he meant well—but it was tiring. Grr, he has told me the fifteen years ago, before I you, you were rather a Wild Dack, so to speak. (Severely.) Why aoe t you been writhing in peni- tence and remorse all wher Gina (sensibly). Wh Bh mg | I have bad ae things to do. You wouldn't take any I satcemshe, so I had to Hialmar. All the same—it was a swamp of deceit. And where am I to find elasticity of spirit to bring out m my grand invention now? I used to shut myself up in the parlour, and ponder and ery, when I t that the effort of inventing anything would sap my vitality. (Pathetically.) 1 did want to leave you an inventor's widow; but I never shall now particularly as I haven’t made up my mind what to invent yet. Yes, it’s all over. Rab- bits are trash, and even eee A palls. And 1’ll wring that cursed Wi *s neck ! Gregers (coming in Beameng) Well, so you’ve got it over. Wasn't it soothing "and cneae eh? and ain’t you both obliged me nl Gina. No; it’s my opinion you’d better \\ have minded your own business. Weeps 4 Gregers (im great surprise). Bless me! Par. -, my ee waartng = = ht VA \ y to be quite a new -poin yy eye | confidently ex have found you both ee beaming ! — Mrs. ace being so terate, - ) may take some little time to see it —but you, HiAtMaRk, with your deep, surely you feel a new consecration, eh ? Hialmar (dubirusly). Oh—er—yes. pose so—in a sort of way. HeEpvie runs in, overjoyed. Hedvig. Father, only see what Mrs. SGany has given me for a ied fill —a a hows mi Hialmar (eluding her). Mrs. Séxzpr, the family oo ig i My father’s sight fail- ial EDVIG dd 5 sos el What 2s on pred iecyhe - Nee J am not short-si 1 oe at all events, and I see it all allt is is my answer. tears i: across.) Now I have nothing an to do in this house. (Puts on overcoat.) My home has fallen in ruins about me. (Bursts | into tears.) My hat! agg Oh, but you mustn’t go. You must be all three to- gether, to attain the true frame of mind for self-sacrificing forgive- ness, you know! Hialmar, Self- sacrificing forgiveness be blowed ! one He tears himself away, and goes out, ae | (with despairing eyes). Oh, he said it might be Now he Chee pay Gregers, Shall I tell zen, how to prgeie son r father’s confidence, and bring = home Mink thet wil Beenie te Wr - Duck. Hedvig. Do you think that will Gregers. You just try it Hratman’s Studio, I sup- Acr IV, Same Scene, GuecEns enters, and finds Gina retouching photographs. Insxx' My real mission is to be . Soreers (Heeent). HIAtMA®B not come in yet, after last night, su ppose Gina, Not he! He’s been out on the loose all night with Re- Lise and Morvrx. Now Md pa on their so sofa. 7 ere Gregers Dear! — !—when he oug yearning to fn eclitede and calf examination (Curtain. | takes the deed, and good deal in what Greens | Gina. A ort deal é I’ve been a Wild Duck Gira (rudely). Self-examine your ! out ; HEDvie comes in, [She goes Gregers (to Hedvig). I see you haven't found e to sett] the Wild d Dack yet! a : ~ abe F Hedvoig. No—it seemed such a snpeeel idea at first. Now it strikes me as a trifle—well, Zbsenish, Gregers Yeprevingly). I aa you hadn't a F ge un- harmed in th you really joyous as seit 7 hg al ’d have a shot at that Wild Duck, you ori Hedvig (slowly). I see; you mean that my constitution ’s changing, and I ought to behave as such Gregers. Exactly, ‘ m what Americans would term a “‘ crank ’— bat tf lieve in you, a he EDvIG takes down the pistol a & mantelpiece, and goes into the garret with flashing eyes ; Gina comes in. ts Hialmar (looking in at door with hesitation ; he is unwashed and disheveled). Has anybody ha to see my hat ? Gina. Gracious, what a sight youare! Sit down and 1 howe some breakfast, do. he brings it. Hialmar (indignantly). What ! touch food under this roof? Never! (Helps himself to bread-and-butter and coffee.) Go and pack up my scientific uncut — my manuscripts, and all the best rabbits, in my portmanteau. I am going away for ever. On second thoughts, I shall stay ia the spare room for another day ay two—it won't be the same as li "He takes some salt meat. Gregers. Must you go? Just when you've got nice firm ground to build mg to me! Then there’s ae pee Son invention, too. Hialmar invented already. ' Aas I onl ‘cared — a aan heseune, \ though it doesn’t exist yet, I thoug EDVIG \ believed in with all the i -") of her sweet little ted eyes! But now I don’t believe in Hzpvie ! Pl pours himself out another cup of coffee. egers hey my Bat, Hsia if I can prove to y sacrifice her Pporished” Wild i Duck? Bee! [ He pushes , and discovers Wild Da Duck with the Gi But don’t ? It’ a ina (eaoiediy). of ‘you wo? . which, in never shoots straight! Be wil shoot eat the wrong end yey ). will! Let the child make t will be a most realistic and eo gpa dors hy tol, H na. no EDVIG. Do yo hear, ahd - au ¥S - afin I Hepvie aiming at the butt-end of the ue ws, STE tas aiet is ustlo in yee. = es. Don’t spoil a fine situation. a man! aa the hil shoot herself ! Hialmar (erresolutely). There’s a I’m illiterate, I know. But for all that mon-sense. And BeEN or Guecens choose to say—that a oe like a tragedy —even in this queer Norway of a Lt. eer! Tell the child to put that nasty pigstol down way, Hialmar (yielding). Ah, well, I am a afanelenl chesncter I’m the only in the I’m sure—whatever Mr. screaming burlesque like this ought not ae ee myself, after lowed! | all. Don’t touch a hair of that duck’s head, Hepvie. e to my arms and all shall be forgiven ! | [Hepvie throws down the ,—which goes off and kills a rabbit —and rushes into her ather’s arms. Old Expat comes out of a corner with a fowl on each shoulder, and bursts into tears. Affecting family picture. Gregers (annoyed). It’s ew Loy say—but it’s not th at table. I don’t | know what I mean—but I fly to fulfil }. He goes a. ise, now I we oo Hepvie, ~ o the deed o' up, a slip of paper a penny bottle of gum, and we fii soon make a valid instrument of it again ! ( He pastes the torn deed together as the Curtain slowly descends, Tux Enp (with apologies as before.) VOL. 0. Z

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£54 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 30, 1891. ——— WHY SHOULD LONDON WAIT P Or, Tue SiicHTED MzTRorotis AND THE Disarrorntep Mepica. Srupenr. [Sir Ricwarp QuAIN (seconding the proposal of Lord Hunscwsx1 “ that the draft Supplemental Charter for the University of London be approved ") ssid that with respect to Medical Degrees, those who were not ia the profession could not realise the grievance which the Medical Students of London felt themselves to be sustaining by not being able to obtain their Degrees in the Metropolis. Hundreds of capable men were driven to seek in Scotland, at Newcastle, and elsewhere the Medical Degrees which they ought to have obtained in London. ]} - } 74 / : = Z , f kis Mj TAN Arn—"' The University of Gottingen.” London, loquitur : — _ S. new draft 2 ~ Lord Durham can anoy fs ~~ & 3 HENE ER with longi HERSCHELL ustice -niversity o mdon, Sir view nk ee Far — the most ye -niversity of London, Sir! Degrees, I feel I’mundone, Sir, %4vocates) was rejected 1) the tate this li And so do the companions true votes against 197), (at on Sf nat young —but degreeless— Medical Student groans in c . Who studied with you at the U- -niversity of London, Sir— ‘mL. gies fhe apr nse ! It saddens me—and you. a cops, out report of | A me my ! | Degrees! J cannot t them— stormy meeting 0 Concnoeic, What Quan and HerscH ext said true! it 0 of University of , where | was true! | Or it were with a ran done, Sir. [’m only the Metropolis. Pooh! Provincial pedants flout the U- -niversity of London, Sir! -niversity of London, Sir! Iv. Talk of Home Rule? It’s all ew I have it not, for one done, Sir. I’ve taught you; your ~ mark’’— boohoo ! I cannot give you at the U- -niversity of London, Sir! -niversity of London, Sir! v. To knowledge in my halls you grew ; But now you are—dear son, done, Sir! You ’re only a mere Medical Stu- -dent at the sorely slighted U- -niversity of on, Sir, -niversity of London, Sir! VI. Off—to Neweastle, boy! Adieu! By on big vote we ’re undone, ir. Provincial Colleges have exclu- -sive rights denied to the poor U- -niversity of London, Sir? -niversity of London, Sir! |[ During the last stanza, M. S. beats his breast with his stetho- scope and goes off —lke coals— to Newcastle, or like mustard— to Durham—to waste valuable time in getting in those colossal provincial centres what ** Poor —_ London” cannot grant im. (From Edison's Phrase-Book.) | Goop gracious! what was that horrible noise? It sounded like | the falling of a leg of mutton ! | Oh! t was only the blow delivered by the Hackney Cock- chafer on the eye of the d | Wrap-Rascal. It’s the best fight | L’ve seen for a long time. I wish, then, you would take |it with you into another room. I can scarcely catch a single word of the Rev. Janez Fisue’s de- lightful sermon, to which I am endeavouring to listen. | Heavens! why all the windows are broken! And the mirrors are |shattered! And the chandelier Pye are, Tam vey ney ell, my dear, I am v , | but I was much interested in 6 | firing of this new 137-ton gun, and a | have iust let it off. That ’s all. | . | BREAKFAST TABLE-TALK. Geographical. ** Low-Lyine” districts are amas a ae oe - s for pes- tiferous Influenza microbe. The worst “low-lying” districts Punch knows are the editorial offices of certain jour- nals, and the social i they engender daseminate mf fy = hs w y have , the House, they will, turn their attention to the Office.

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‘oo Sir. you on, tu- ou | me, ws Mar 30, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ro A JJDGE OF CHARACTER. Sympathetic Friend (to Sweeper), ‘‘ WHAT'S THE USE 0’ ARSTIN’ 'IM, Bru | "E DON ’T GIVE AWAY NOTHINK LE8s THAN A GOVER'MENT APPOINTMENT, ’z pon’T!1” THE BITTER CRY OF OUTCAST OOMPETITION. “The breakfast at St. James’s Hall, which we reported yesterday, and which was held in order to allow those who k of it to discuss the possi- bility of establishing in this country a ‘ non-com- petitive system of university examination,’ was, in some respects, a natural outcome of the revolt against competition which has of late years made itself felt in many different quarters.’’— The Times fe, ’w in a pretty pickle! The worl Nis wondrous fickle ; But lately it would stickle For Progress by Exam. And now, in Trade and Learning, Against me they seem turning, Deliberately discerning In me a noxious sham! The Laissez-faire philosopher My enemies grew gross over ; Bat now Economists toss over Their idol of old days. They swear ‘‘ Free Competition” Leads to Trade inanition : That I’m a superstition, A cruel vampire craze, And now Big Wigs scholastic, To modern movements plastic, Would try reform most drastic Upon the School Exam. ways my nerves that jar on Avseron Herserr’s far on; a E’en Dr. WaRRE Dear old Competitive Cram! If pundits thus—at break fast— Neologise, mye pe fast, My kingdom they will he Army loves me not; Socialists whet their sou l-edge Against me; now the College iseas that my road to knowledge Is simply—Tommy rot. Revolt? It’s most revolting! My road might yield some ne But boobies from it boltin Will probably get Seneed. And, lost in some dim bye-way, Regret the well-paved highway Along which long in my way Contentedly they jogged. OUR PARTICULAR TIP FOR THE DERBY. (Furnished by the Odd Man Out.) Looxrxe through the List of Probable tarters (who are coming on well, an might therefore be called, in the quaint turf Italian, ** comeystarters”), I cannot help feel- ing that this year the Blue Riband of the Turf will fall to the flower of the aes gm indeed, it should. But if it does not, why, there are other really sound horses that are sure to give a good account of themselves. bf may Sake it, that = winner will be out common. As the glorious animal aan the post, the cheers will be so deafen- ing, that there will be a universal Fath * This ust be ordinance!” As the fun of the Darby of late times has seen some revival, the hero of the hour will, par excellence, be d | observed ‘as I the doll, which, in never ceased to be peumner. fun will be fast and furious—not at days of the Mohawks are over, and | therefore, in a position to declare, tha 7 Metal i ite Prd meeting ropriate a ° this I on oy with the less hesitation rely on the powerof adeemster. Toe the oe — ymnry hgh no men and persons of a sort ; adopt the words of the historical al Pioma ** for this meeting fits Simon.” me 7 or ~ Ee hy eats ne the — we ne E gent who out the pastie purchaser; in fact, *‘ [ go solid for the Simonian.” Tf the field is d on the mens of the race, it will be cedent. When [think of the Derby, I cannot help remembering Henny tue Besex for it was to hold the Field of the Cloth of Gold that that eminent monarch had to raise the dust. Well rigs ht Feaycorw Zaaaae have if D At hero, the Capa whowe pokes f Dickens's nav words were always poe, ware tus the elt of Orion ax & apport in a sea of trouble, I should app wisdom. In fact, I should observ, that the occasion was worthy of the Cattle’s tone. And now to come to business, For after all, what I have written above is merely a hint to those who require no telling. A t be Me ap + mathe peep ut that the simp unders' ing may comprehend, I give my final tip. Hore it ic, This tw Derby will be won by one of two. I either fall to the Favourite or —the Field ! Pe° ES ebeee 3 i iptv a ie af

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Mar 30, 1891. OPERATIC NOTES. Tuesday, May 19.—With pleasant recollections of Manis and Barrow MocGvcerm, and, as I think, a Mr. Scopett playing swaggering relative, I went to see Manon, at Covent | Miss Srsyt Sawpensow being the Heroine, and M e-| crammed house, viewing a rade to rps to ; a really good an Oe Dyck, “* You M. Van Dyck des Grieux et Mile. Manon Sanderson. and be hung!” (Ensemble). * Nous irons au Guildhall!” Perhaps the M, Van D. “ Voila \a voiture du Lor’ Maire, grace 4 jearned itor of M. Le Sheritf Druricianus.” Musical Notes , Manon. “Comme il est gentil! Je n'attendais qu’un and Queries will Van. reply. Of course much depends on the frame.} As for the new soprano Sinri— more power to her organ! Her acting was good, but not great, and what ought to be her song par excellence went for nothing, or, at least, it could have been bought very cheap. There is far more dialogue in Manon than a Covent Garden audience is accustomed to, and this superfluity is resented by those who come for the singing, and who, if any talking is to be done, like to do it them- selves. The three young ladies who go about together as a per- petual tric, suggest the notion of a light and airy version, feminine gender, of the three Anabaptists in Prophéete. M. Iswarpon as Des Grieux, pére, a r that might be operatically nearly related to Germont, pére,in La Traviata, was impressively p meen but decidedly disappointing in his one great song, which ought to be a certain encore. It may be true that an opera intended for a small stage does not stand a fair chance of success on a large one, and vice verted, as no doubt the Lonp Mayor's coach ided by Dav- nioLanus Suxxirrvs for the occasion would look absurd on the atage of the Opéra Comique, while here when it comes round to the gate to fetch Des Grieuz, it creates as a sensation as ever it would do in the Strand on the Ninth of November, even with the = inside it. ° “ednesday.—Speaking asan opera-goer of some thirty years’ sitting, I am inclined to assert that the performance last Wednesday of Les Huguenots beats the record, as will be allowed by all whose memory runneth not to the con , ** nevertheless” and *‘notwithstanding ” being included. Except Manto, as , and some add, except Dorvus Gras as the Queen, never was seen and heard so fine a per- formance as is this to-night; and this deponent witnesseth that no such ensemble has ever been seen for this ly grand Opera. Strange to hear sweet little Manon one night, and the next these overpowering Huguenots. tis well worth the while, in Mr. Punch’s pages, to re- cord this exceptionally brilliant cast. First, Madame Asani for the heroine Valentina, superb alike in singing and im acting; Grvtia Ravoeut as Urbano, the , & memorable page in operatic hi Conte di San Bris, by M. Lassatte, not to be bettered, as may also said of Signor Mraanpa (by kind permission of SHaxsPeaRr’s Tempest, probably a descendant) as De Retz, afterwards converted, and appearing as I, Padre Basso, Superior of a Theatrical Order, one of the exceptional Orders admitted after seven. Then M. Mav- REL, with his highly Mawrel tone, cannot be beaten as the high- minded Conte de Nevers ; and Roovarp pe Keezg8, taken al —and there’s a lot of him—is quite the best Marcello that has been heard and seen for some considerable time. Herr Formes and Manini were the rugged Huguenot soldier to the but they weren't the Harmonious Blacksmith that Nep pz Reszxfis. Jeax pe Reszxf methinks lacketh im tenderness in the great duet scene, where ALBAN! is inimitable ; otherwise Jean isa gallant Raoul, Ensemble, as already said, which term includes mise-en-scene, and orchestra under the energetic rule of Brvienant, simply perfect. Those who this season miss Huguenots with this unexampled cast, will be justly up by their children and grandchildren. flower in his button-hole, almost wee loved leader is unable to come from praise upon Les Hi Mr. Covent-Garpenia Hatt with the Gladstone to think that his much- Hill and bestow his liberal may well beam upon the Rehearsing for an amateur performance of the Christy Minstrels, under the direction of Count Four-in-a-bar. ‘“‘ Now then, Gentlemen, all together!” rtion of it with his nose over the ledge of the stall gway portal; well may he smile, hum the melodies to himeelf (what better audience can he have for the performance !) expand in full bloom and speak joyously out of the very fulness of his heart and pocket; nay, for the moment he may even look upon the sheriffship and all its glory as a mere vanity of vanities, in com- parison with the proud position of being DrurioLanus OpgRaticus Macyiricissiuvs, who - given opera-goers this new and rare edition of Les Hi The gloved hand and the lorgnette of H.R.H. are visible in the omnibus-box, where our music-loving Prince is happily congratulating himself on another little Fire being added to the harmonious Royal Band, while the loyal public is mightily pleased thus to have it proved to ocular demonstration, that the subtle villain, Influenza, has been baulked in his traitorous attempt on the Royal Personage, and they sincerely hope that the insidious poisoner, tte thus arrested in his course, may, with all his treacherous bacitli, be for ever banished this happy and generally healthy realm. ts, COMPETITION IN THE FUTURE. Scene—A Barrack-Room. Present— President and Members of a Board of Examiners, sitting to pass Candidates for Commissions in the Line. President. Now, Gentlemen, I think we are agreed that cramming is to be discouraged. We want an officer who can command a com- pany, and not a scholar who can floor a paper for high-class honours —that is the general idea, Gentlemen, isn’t it ? Chorus of Members, Quite so. " Pres, Exactly. Orderly, pass the word that we will see Mr. Mueecrr. (The word is passed, when enter First pr mr Glad to see you, Sir. Pray sitdown. I think you were at school First Candidate (nervously). Yes, Sir, at Eton. Pres, Humph! (Aside, to his Colleagues.) Rather an unpro- mising commencement. However, he may have devoted more of his time to cricket or football in the Playing Fields than to anything else. (Aloud.) I hope you have not been to the University ? First Can. (almost moved to tears). Alas, Gentlemen, my father would send me to Christchurch, and I am sorry to say 1 took 4 Double First ! . ee Pres. (courteous, but sad), I am afraid that will do. (Exit Firs! Candidate, striving in vain to suppress a burst of unmanly emotion.) I am deeply grieved, Gentlemen, but I fear that we can do nothing further in this matter ? , Chorus of Members. Utterly impossible ! Pres. Exactly. Orderly, call Mr. Saraxworxs, (Second Candidate enters.) Gilad to see you, Sir. Pray sitdown. I think you were st 1 ? Second Can. (with confidence). Never, Sir, and allow me to add that I can scarcely read, don’t know how to spell, and have s firm i pression that two and two make ei or five—I forget which. es, (beaming). Excellent! (After a brief consultation hs mares Mr. Sarexworxs I have much in informing you ones Cagpad to eee one ‘enema urtatn. —— an

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May 30, 1891.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 257 ~~ ~ ——- —— —_—— i> —) . 1) e — — —S ‘ ~ —a dime = a mm = a - we A RARE CHANCE. Mr. Snobbin hiring a Hack to ride down to the Derby, Horse-Owner, ‘‘1 'tL CHARGE You TarrtTy Bos FoR THE DAY, Guv’NOR ; OR—LOOK HERE !—GIMME Two PounD, AND YOU MAY KEEP HIM!” = CODLINGSBY JUNIOR; OR, A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK. Being Fragments of a Forthcoming Political Prize Novel. [In a letter to The Times on “Party Organisation,” Mr. Contnospy DiskaB Lt vigorously rallies the Tory Party on their “ eternal and infernal epathy.”” He says, “Since we have Lieued some Liberal principles, let us borrow some Liberal tactics, and introduce what I would eall the Schnad- horstian ne into our councils of war. nn at least, have the merit of success,”” Ir was CopLInesBY Jomon, who sr mred the Vraibleusian Party after the battle of Bahboroug a stern and staccato epistle to the ** Jupiter Toman ot : wi praising fing imitating) Colonel De Cavcusmyg, the real inspiring t in the camp of the victorious GRaNDOLMAN, the march _ pom y army was stopped—the menaced empire of Vraibleusia was saved from the flowing tide of Radical ruin; the Marquis of Srroxerocres appeared in a blaze of triumph that outblezed even the Berlin “ Peace with Honour” busi- ness, and CopLinessY J UNIOR ** took the cake.” . fushea Tull fod, cd conor for \attle. If the Bluse the us were angry, Buffs were also on the ark ‘T can have a dinner at any hour,” said Coptinessy Junior; “but a Blue and Buff row”—(a shillelagh here flying the window crashed * the cake” from Copiinesny’s hand)—‘‘ a Blue and Buf sow 6 sorely Ss Se The Buffs have the best of it, clearly, though ; the Cads outnumber the Swells. Ha! a good blow! How os urly a went down before yonder slim young fellow in hat is Phat ie the Lon Lord TrppLEmpors,” said a com weight but a Pod Frets 9 agen peed remarked. ‘ Well dar = DLEMPOPS ; well parried, a eo. : Clare wn, “He never can be to match himself a Wine en a iad te as rma i Scuwappy, LA mea rummagem bruiser, before whose fists the Blues went down lik ht his way res und nrtacel trteue , bat a itl too 5 eee Pops and one or two © men rushed from thelr Club (White's), | him or aaa bear against the fortiter in re of the fighting Caucusite young, noble faced the hage cham with the languid i of tp seen, bet wae jj enemy’s brawn and Ree, end went down in aoee ant wes not LX G firm —#, nd want facet the ae Sunes The brutal fellow, who meant neat Mg os no mercy on the lad, ¥,.. a 3 larks. His savage a chafed CopLinessy Junior, as he viewed the unequal combat from White’s window. pene!” he cried to theGoliath. ‘‘ Don’t you see he’s bar Se he ee ener ied, heedi ** Down goes again cried, not ng the interruption. ‘* Down he goes again ! like whopping my swell!” ‘*Coward!” shouted Copiinessy. t makes _ feel te Dizz window, aa A Copiinessy to the rescue!” wert fl a shower of malodorous and ide down ene at snd sh curly Great a was the work of second, : Seno, my boy beng, Thm go Thm going to our own weapon—and gna Reh Dane's. ‘" Daim ty at a all that’s theosophical sara delta aoc ae iene ou with voua, churl /” faltered Scuwappy, the influence of the : ia from young When Souxanvr, afar six wocky’ bed and Fhidlideatans ao lest came out of occupation Wirepuller was Coptinessy Junior into his thoes, and the erate had not *‘ the little bit of lal OUR ee ageagona Te Baron’s Assistant er has been dipping into Robert Browning Vigo bret and Thoin by Joun T. Netriesuir, (ELKIN Masuwn ¥ He advises all other readers to p his nettleship bold! . At last the Baron’s A. R. thinks he understands ** Childe ” after reading the twenty-five which Mr. NerrLesuir devotes to the explanation of this noble but tantalising neem Mr. NerriesHir’s attitude is that of a fervent, but humble sciple, for whom his Master’s every word possesses d and subtle meanin He believes with Gronex Extor tha e words of genius a wider meaning thought whigh prompted hon. ” That of course gives him unlimited scope, and sometimes makes the explanations long ; but lover of Baowntxe will find in the book a great deal of sound and helpful criticism well expressed. Buy the book and see ie says the Baron’s A. R. nya is Oscan Witpe’s paper “On the Decay of Lying,” which is the first essay in a book is entitled Intentions, lf it be true that the art of lying is decaying —but, > sag how can anyone take the word of a professor of the art of lying | for this or any other fact? No, his Not that by suggesting this motte I ot that by suggesti would for a moment understood as expressing a wish for Oscak’s once again dropping into poetry — that OscaR should once again take to the other sort of loses far from it. No; let remain the head professor of "the gay science of mendacity in the Cretan Co . Now, when a Professor and double M.A., i.¢., i eattt entacious Axt in the Oretan Colle and t aaa cain ean must be companion. We fight | the AN OLD-FASHIONED BUFFER ON BALFOUR’s BILL. STATE-AIDED purchase ? Se eels ity we T look on it as a Btate-aided Bell

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (May 30, 1891, OUR ARTISTS | ARE SOMETIMES COMPENSATED FOR ALL THEY HAVE TO PUr UP WITH. Young R. A (newly-elected), ‘‘ Waat, woT seEN OUR Royal AcapgeMy ret, Miss von Taump ! THEN '”’ Fair American, ‘‘Writ, somr. But your Roya, AcaDgeMy'’s RATHER CROWDED, yOU KNow!” Don’t you CARE FoR PIcTURE’, Pictor Ignotus (who hates the Academy like poison), ‘‘ PkaHars Miss von TauMP PREFERS OUR NATIONAL GALLERY. THAT'S NOT INOONVENIENTLY CROWDED |” Fair American, ‘Wet, yes, I LIKE TO GO AND SIT IN A NICE, COOL, QUIET, DESERTED Spor, LIKE YOUR Nationa GALLERY, —wITtH A BOUND-UP VoLUME oF Puwca! Tuat's my IDEA oF Picrurgs!” a = Mr. Punch. It’s mostly “a fluke” when opponents go by us; “GENERAL ELECTION STAKES.” But flukes, you know, count, at the end of the rAd A Cocscauy on gus Covnen. Tren ee look at the betting! Although they wid us, ’d like to have money on us all the sam Mr. Punch. Your Stable, no doubt, has of late been a winning one ; Their best horse is ‘‘ aged,” their — Speer sy oldish, Horses and J ocke s have both done their best. He’s plucky, but years, Sir, wil on the nerve, Trainer. Yes; Guv'nor’s black phiz —bless his heart !—is a grinning Some of ’em who’ve backed him the y= grow coldish, All our nags answer when put to the test. one ; Whilst others do hint that he seems on the swerve. Mr. Punch. All? That's a bit of a stretch, my dear fellow. The lot who are sweet on that jegey colt, Labour, Wheel Tax went wrong, Compensation came down. Would like a new ‘‘ mount,” e dared to speak out. Hasn't Marr’s riding at times tarned you yellow, There isn’t a man of ’em quite trusts his neighbour, And Rarxes’s wild steering almost p ievk e you brown P Home Rule with Briiup! That ins rt, Bir) ’em with doubt! Trainer. Maybe, Sir, maybe! We can’t always spot ’em, (Ask H-xc-rt or R-s-3-kY—on the Q. But average winnings come out very well. The Old Jock is obstinate, new ’uns can’t t ride, On this next race, now, I fancy we've got em, Fuok M-s1-y, or L-spry and that lot! Not me, Sir! Ab, fairly on toast, far as 7 can hear tell I tell you the chances are all on our side. (shrinkers. Mr. Panch. The Sanguine Old Man—is he of your opinion ? Mr. Punch. Well, luck goes with them who’re not shirkers or And Sotty, the owner, is he at his ease ? Ah! here comes your crack—rather restive, I fear. Trainer. Oh, dash the doldrums! I scorn their dominion. By Jove, are you going to run him in blinkers ? There are some people no fellow can please. And who’s your new Jock? His seat seems a bit ueer. What I say, Mister, is, look at their Stable, Trainer, Well, Sir, don’t you see, it 5 this way. e’s bor- The old Opposition s op. Lot of old crocks ! That Jock is; a wonderful pet of Brum Jor’s [rowed, Flowing-Tide? Faugh! Half his doings are fable. Must work with his Party; some of us have sorrowed Home Rule? The deadest of utter dead-locks ! To make such close pals of such reglar old foes ; Socralist? Why, half the Party won't back hia. The horse don’t half like him, I’m bound to admit it, Eight Hour? A roarer, all noise and no Between you and me I don’t like it myself, Eh? Local Option? Won't win, though come him ! For me and dear Joszpx have not always hit it. What Aave they got, that can score the Big Race ? Bat then, he stands in; we must look to the pe Mr. Punch. Well, I must own they do —_ a bit out of it. Can’t afford to offend him, our Stable can "t—blow bt Still, the Big Race for surprises is famed. Eh! What? You have heard me y Trainer. Bah! It’s a moral for us, nota ioakt of it. As too Free in his ways by long chalks. Well, I know it; Horse that can lick us is not foaled or named. Bat Jox is dead nuts on his go and his skill— Mr. Punch. Glad you're so cock-sure, dear Joxim. Still lately The Blinkers? Oh yes! Horse not used to him yet, Sir, They ve scored some small handicaps, that you ’!I allow. And if he should oa him, might throw the ag pup— Trainer. Oh" Harborough Stakes ! Wall that that don’ 4, ent me greatly, We must “‘ go it blind,” only square chance, you bet, Sir, Mere fluke after all, though they raised a big row. Of winning,—espesh’ lly with Joz’s jockey up!

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a —— = = = 91, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 30, 1891. i} WA | | ) E', (OT OT, bt! kera. rs OF or- wed, ; ‘é . ; GENERAL ELECTION STAKES.” -” Ma. P, “WHAT! RUNNING HIM IN BLINKERS?” G-sca-w (Trainer). “YES; IT’S THE ONLY CHANCE OF A WIN,—ESPECIALLY WITH THAT JOCKEY UP!”

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May 20, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261 ee SPT Ao. Sf —— rs IT’S A GREAT THING FOR A MAN TO KNOW WHEN HE'S WELL OFF. credit. Salisbury’s Version. (See the Premier's Speech at Glasgow.) Wan is a game Which, if Kings have their will, Peoples won’t play at. “Feence as Sue 1s Spoxe.”’— The indefatigable international en- trepreneur, Mr. M. L. Mayen,—who announces himself as “Sole Manager,” i Wy TA , a a repre- aE AE man,” —intends to save Londoners the trouble and expense of visiting Paris by giving them three wee June 15th to July 4th. of French plays, ‘ormed by the ThéAtre Francais pany, including Mescames Reicuensene and Duptey, three CoqurLins, one Fesvre, and one Mouyrer Sutty, at Royalty Theatre. Those whose hobby is the French Theatre, will be delig ted to assist at the start of the well-trained Mayen, whohasachieved the curious feat of ‘‘saddling him- self’ with this responsibility. PARLIAMENTARY DriaGnosis.— Regen nes aa quen—'s preliminary ** Congestion” —of business, and these threaten culminate in ‘‘ Collapse ” — of LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. May 13th.—Expenses keep mounting up. On Saturday received a letter from Buissor (Secretary of the Association), otating that it was deemed nec to take a new Committee-room in Main Street, and asking me if they might draw on me for the cost of furnishing it, a matter of about £15. Replied that I must take time to consider whether such expenditure was proper. Three more charitable institu- tions claim me as an annual subscriber, and the Billsbury Free Hos- pital Committee have informed me that Cuunson always gives them £10 a year. Have had to do ditto. May 14th.—Had an extraordinary letter from Vottiamy this morning. He is staying at Billsbury—but the letter explains itself. Here it is :— My Deak Partie, { Confidential. I a asked to let you know that a Committee Meeting been called for Friday 16th, and it is that, at all costs, you will mak- it convenient to attend. You how great an interest I have always taken in your career. I have always told you that any experience I may have gained in electioneering matters (and I have been at it for about twenty years now) is entirely at your service, You will therefore forgive me if I speak quite Frankly to yon on some questions which intimately concern your Candi don’t meet you as oftenas I should wish, and I am therefore im- pelled to write to hn matters which require your serious conside- ration, and on which you 4.7 to be prepared to make a definite statement on Friday next. I have used the opportunity of my stay here to see how the land lay with regard to you. Hitherto you have done very well, but mere public meetings will not win an e tion, and you must make up your mind ere very long to come and otay hemp, 36 as to canvass each ward, under the guidance of the r ‘‘ officers. there is the question of money! The istration must be paid for by the Candidate. It will be heavy this year. You can talk it over with the Committee, but certainly £100 to £150 will be absolutely necessary. Whatever the sum is, you must be prepared to pay it. I trust you will excuse 7 ee candid with you, both for your own sake and the Party’s. If £200 or £300 more ox less fs any object to you, and if you (or your friends) are not a to do certain th such as bringing up voters, &c., it is your hoping to win. I don’t -- Ede, ion, but certain things not immoral, though perhaps i must be done. That is why I once suggested to you that someone from here should have an rood Oa. "og oe ed get wing alee ee \ ou do appear in ) gui y your Committee even in the expenditure of £15 for chairs ‘and tables your new Committee-room ; and I must repeat that such excessive caution will not be followed by success. You will only waste your time, and the Party here will be defeated. If you do not feel willing to be ee by the old Leaders of the Party here, who know what is meets , far better reconsider your position, and resign while there is yet time. Now, in addition to your legal election expenses (between £500 and £600), there will be the Registration which, however, is a permissible payment. But, above all, railway fares, conveyances, and sundry other expenses which are forbidden by the Act, must be met by your friends, or success is hopeless. Young Hanrison is standing at Chursfield. His father intends him to win, and he will see to the needful!! That is the way to work it, and to win, You must be prepared to pay at least £150 (or to get someone to pay it for you) Pa sundries, Even thus your expenditure will not reach £1000; dirt cheap for a safe vont 5 Formerly a h contest used to mean ,000, and a county anything up to £50,000 I know you will believe me when I say that I have written entirely in your own interest. Yours sincerely, Henny Parkinson Voutiiamy. What an old rascal! I answered very shortly, merely stating my intention of coming to Billsbury on the 16th, in order to interview Samii I must nip all this in the bud, or chuck the whole usiness. Friday, May 16th, ‘‘ George Hotel,” egy = Eg down to Billsbury this afternoon. interview with a delegation from the Committee in the Hotel. Morrat, Brtssop, and Jennam were there. They laid their views before me. Much the same as VoLliamy's letter. ‘Shame to wreck the ship for want of a ha’porth of tar,” said Buissor. ‘‘ Gentlemen,” I said, “if think I’m going to Real er os Oe 0 ed le pa Pree meson! am willing to help in the i i pa subscriptions, but I wat budge a step outside the Corrupt Practices Act, so far as my election expenses are concerned, If you want someone who will make i payments, go somewhere . I’m quite willing to resign. Now you know my and I leave to confer with — oa oy I left them. ter. ree looking thoreughl Said they had reconsidered the matter, and more about it. They were a fighting the i mar ang _—- ge ey ay ~ of em came to me in priva’ my pardon, pa t on the others. Morrat said it was Brissor, Brissor declared it was JznzaM, and Jzxzam swore that such a thing would never have entered his mind if Morrat hadn’t insisted on it. Wrote to Vortiamy that I found he had entirely misjudged the for | local feeling, and that, in any east, Bie suggestions were quite im- practicable, He'll detest me, but I don’t care a brass farthing. Tn seh, dane halo

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. ee [Mar 30, 1891, YY ly | | bali Py, = Y 4 ‘ Fins WIE A CY Uy sa Ni sy) Y y isa | \ j ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS——-SAMPLES OF SALISBURY.

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Mar 30, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. £63 | THE NEWEST NOSTRUM. | Mr. AusERon Henpert end other amiable enthusiasts held | ||| a “ Breakfast” at St. James’s Hall, over which Sir Natuwanrex | |} |) SraPies presided, to advocate the principle of Voluntary | Taxation. Subscribe for life-boats, ropes and rockets ; Then plump the National Exchequer By willing doles from well-filled pockets ! QUEER QUERIES, Centrat Araica.—I havea longing to be an Explorer in the wildest and densest jungles of the Dark Conti- —_. I feel cone See ee is my vr role in = ough some of my ves, acting—I believe—pure try to discourage } there. The voyage out would probably do wonders for my health, which is not strong; in fact at present I can eT ee ee ee need a warm climate. I fancy Africa would be warm enough to suit me. I should be glad to be told of any Capitalist who would advance a few hundred is to enable me to carry out my design. He would not lose his m , as I would repay him by sending home the skins of all the OUR BORES, NATIVE AND FOREIGN. lions and tigers that I shot—aleo ivory,—as well as realistic accounts of slave caravans, &3., which any ‘‘Acn! I scapgacue ENKLISH KOT VELL, NOT VELL AT ALL! Por, PY A Publisher would be glad to bay. LEADLE Bractics, I mmprove ver Kv K! Varr TILL I BAF TALK 10 You Livinastong Jonton. | ror 4 GorrLe oy Hoves, axp YOU SHALL BEB!” ROBERT AT THE ACADEMY. what is picters painted for? Is it to, meke poonie wer collem, and Wrrsurrie being a rayther slack time with us Hed Waiters, 002 | Wel oprmas enuff im the wll without palatine sham ones? An our principle paytrons is all out of Town, I naterally slected that | Yet Tay declare that, arter looking. at them, twe wundurfal picters week for my annewal yearly wisit to the Royal Academy. I never ye “ The Crisis,” — “ The pa ” and feeling as there wasn’t not coud quite hunderstand why it was called a Academy, which I ch either of th thi that the kind bleeves is a rayther swell name for a Skool, but I hadn’t bin there | BO chanee for either of the poor things to recover, tha - lag aon t - I 'e | Doctor’s trubble was all in wain, and that the poor Mother wood soon mae look wae apo 7. ome, Cepneouras he Teason. In course it | have to bear the awfullest trubble as she coud ewer know, I left the — of verry young pote An on oes left pic my + . ‘omg as a as I coud got out, a fear the rT a chek a werry B bod skool, round tears as woud run down my & a = Coy eae it a Academy insted of a Hinstitooshun or a Hexe- ut Fup, Mr. Fiupas, 2 thinie that jest 4 few little delioate . , ches of your magic brush wo ve sent away s of appy to fe. edeicin oak. Be gale ew a aeaioer of pateatte of hearts, instead of hundreds of miserable ones, ort to make you I — oe ‘le —7 oe Sern bbe het resolve Gu to put jest a gleam of hope in your wunderful about the rooms and hear See ae Se. One 4 ao the same number of staggerers as ushal, and | on ’em looks so werry cross, that a Gent by me said as how he must : oo? — ° | : ha’ bin taken when the bed news came from India. Another looks oo | sf%i2 ,ereks, who has the hordacity to bay em? I wunder whet savage, that amost everybody asks him why he don’t have it out and Mrs, Roszat woud say if! took one tomy sober Swelling! done with it! Another ‘er looked at h Bot, inst 00 I was 0 coming oney,t seed one of the most howdacious to say, ** What werry © at Stanid hi Khet pe al of the lot, and it was named ‘“* The Judgment of Paris”! I had ee ou staring at, Stu wate amg offen heard as the French was werry free and think b the locke 2 grea ry an he of things, but I newer coud have thort that our book [I was eurpriced to find as | srevs.cvad bare so lowered theiresives as $0 eos judgment of the 0 : , the Exhi gmen there wasn’t not no Lord Mare the lot. His Lordship’s state | Paris Paintors, or that they wood have slected ? yw ve the test stag gerer y ep to heb place. And now for the reel os the. tne in neler jadguent he mod Gare a prize, I don’t think as it says much for their taste, Roszar. dozen of the werry finest saddles of mutton there as I ewer seed, Obvious. ewen at the honored Manshun House! Next comes the grand pictur | !' Tue Times says, y, ** There isa deal of human nature in j j set, ain’t | Ireland.” That not so much if there were of in- less h ture — aap my in “* ‘4 = ” ~~ na _ as - i Ce houghing And now jest a word and a hint to all our great Painters. Pra . ede Pe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —_—— [May 30, 1891, —_——.. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, MP. House of Commons, Thursday, May 21.—House resumed to-day after so-called Whiteun holidays. Weren't to have come back till Monday. Op Mona.iry settled that before he went off to Southern climes. Bat next day WinpsBaG Sextow and Joxim got to gerheads. INDBAG in- sisted that! Committee) days. Wuinyp- BAG didn’t see Toby’s Remedy for Influenza. him. Joxrm, meaning to frighten Wiwppae, said, *‘ Very well: then we'll adjourn till Thursday.” Wunpzae, not believing Joxim was serious, said he didn’t care; game of bluff commenced ; | Pye so awkwardly that, in end, House jockeyed out of half ad olday. But O.p Monatiry got all his; off before this blundering business | took place ; too far gone to be called back. Camppetti-BaNnweRmMan suggests that we shall change his name; call him “The Jupictous Hooxer.” Certainly he ‘hooked it” a day before holidays commenced, and won't return till several days after they have prematurely closed. Still remnant of House here to-night, though growling and discontented, does not grudge him his holiday. More than half Members on both sides away ill. The Whips severel hit; Manvsonreanxgs here as usual, making a bright space in the lobby with his genial presence and his smiling countenance. But AxKeEas- Dove as still away with most of his men, including the Mountainous Hirt. “Yes,” his man is reported to have said, in reply to inquiries, ‘‘Lord Axtuvr is still Hix, but gettin’ better.” Only cheerful man on the premises is Pirunxet. Beaming with health ; glowing with vitality. “ The secret of it Bs he said, when I asked him how he managed to look so well. “‘ Why, it’s exercise and fumigation. Whilst you fellows have been making holiday, I’ve fo. to wk p= night cy day. , l've aprinkled *ve fumigated every chamber with sulphur; I’ve spri wall with eucalyptozone. The tiled = I have washed with carbolic-soap, and the libraries 1 have purified with Thiocamp. It was a little stiff at first: but, as Mr. G. says, there’s no rest like variety of occupation. When I got tired of Eucalyptozone, turned to with Thiocamp, and then went through a course of taking up carpets and thumping hair-cushions. Quite sorry it’s over. Lord Arthur 'Til—but getting better, as Friday.—‘‘Do you like Issen?” Arronney-Gewenat for Inetayp asked Prince ARTHUR just now, @ propos of new Clause moved by Szxroy. Curious man is Mappew. Lives a sort of dual life. In House nae as serious person, in knowled of Really rish Question in its multiform i ‘ep 7 Al; ws every- thing ; is in everything ; acquainted with Inszy, a fin-de-siecle Attorney-General misses few bazaars or drawing-room concerts, and was on speaking terms with the late Madame BLAVATexKY, “Do you like Hedda Gabler?” he con- tinued, nudging Prince AnTHUR, who on this, the hundred-and-third night in Committee on the Irish Land Bill, showed signs of drowsiness, ‘Haven't time to go to the theatre,” said Prince Antaur. ‘‘ Never perform out of West- minsver, where we keep our own Heapacne Ganseg on the premises” . | and he looked wearily across at Srx- TON monotonously piping, not without | dread suspicion of the WinDBaG having | been newly leathered. _ But the end comes to the man who lives to wait, and to-night, at twenty minutes past ten, Lewis Pexty sittin bolt upright, awakened out of peacef slumber by a sudden cheer; knew that the Land Bill was at last through Committee. Business done.—Land Bill through Committee. Pelly-Melly. NOTES ON THE ROYAL ACADEMY OF 2091. ‘* Richard, Duke of Gloucester, refusing the Crown.” ‘This picture will be interesting to the historical student, as it affords a solution to a knotty — n- nee Spee bneaee sg Fy the last five centuries. e wily hump is represented in his dressing-gown and slippers, having evidently been called from his bath to listen to the suggestion of the courtiers, who desire him to accept the regal dignity. The umbrella of the Lord Mayor, we fancy, is of a later date than the supposed period of the painting, but no doubt the artist has authority for the introduction of the quaint old lamp-post illumined with the electric light, which began to be used some little time after the Battle of the Roses. ** Charles the Second in the Oak,” This is also interesting to those who delight in folklore. "| to the legend (for no doubt the story was merely a legend), the deposed monarch was es- caping from the Parliamentary troops, when he had to seek shelter in the spreading branches of the tree that still isemblematic of England. The artist has placed the leafy refuge near a stream, where CHAnLes seems to have been bathing. A tragic side (not entirely free from quaintness) is given to the tale by the discovery of the tem beg wearing apparel of the ART by the soldiers, who are hunt- ing him to the death. Canes, with his traditional good humour, is smiling at an accident which causes him seemingly more amusement or OK, Trafalgar.” Th el t of “The Battle o afailgar. e vi ever nt o smoke in this painting prevents the flesh-tints of the lene. | assuming a prominence that might be ty org py to person fastidious tastes. No doubt the artist felt that, if he had studied the traditions of the British Navy at the commencement of the nine- teenth or twentieth century (the battle was fought in that period), he would have shown the t tars serving the guns in a costume not more elaborate than that assumed by the nude inhabitants of the North Pole. It is amusing to note in this connection that, until the discovery of the summit of the earth, it was su the centre of the Arctic Regions was bitterly cold. Our ancestors in the re- mote ages had no idea that that ——- fiery region was, in reality, hotter) \\.\ than the tropics! ** Portrait of an English Gentle- man of the Nineteenth Century.” — We are not quite sure that we like the unconventional treatment of the accessories in this picture. It is perfectly true that we find from con- temporary records that an invitation | to dyuner was frequently accompanied | by the expressed wish that the gu ‘* was not to dress;” but still such | “H Sunny! where were Business done.—In Committee on Land Purchase Bill. hints at the strange manners and you on Whit Monday? customs of a bygone age may be, “ Why, off for wy Bank Holi- carried out too literally. day, to be sure!” CH NOTICE.—Rejected Communications er Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any descripuon, wil im no case be returned, not even whem accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. ee

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PUNCH, OI OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—May 30, 1891. LIFE’S RACE A BATTLE, NOT A VICTORY. IN THE RACE OF THIS LIFE, ENO’'S “FRUIT SALT’ Is an imperative hygienic need, or necessary adjunct. It keeps the blood pure, prevents and cures fevers and acute inflammatory diseases, removes the injurious effects of stimulants, narcotics, such as alcohol, tobacco, tea, coffee, by natural means—thus restores the nervous system to its normal condition by preventing the great danger of poisoned blood, and over PREPARED “ONLY AT A troubled with a tiresome liver. highly do I value your composition that I give, therefore, the following advice tot “ When ‘ ENO’S SALT’ betimes you take, | I strcngly recommend it to all travellers ; ENO’S cerebral activity, sleeplessness, irritability, worry, &c. AT HOME, MY HOUSEHOLD COD; ABROAD, MY VADE MECUM. the outpouring of s grateful heart. No waste of this elixir make; ebroad, my vade mecum. when taking hose Wise jp GENERAL OFFICER, writing from Ascot on Jan. 2, 10s, seys :—" Blessin profane to say so, but, in common parlanee, I swear by it nny little idoli—at home, my household god ; it, I grudg Here stands the cherished Think not this the rhapsody of a hy The fact is, 1 am, in common I daresay with yy old fellows o No sooner, however, do | use your cheery remedy, # of > Richar age! fy eeven the sediment toar. will always remain at the bottom of the glass, rsons who have learned to appreciate its inestimable benefits :— But drain the dregs, and lick the cup Of this the perfect pick-me-up.’ on your ‘FRUIT SALT’! bottle, on the oe. I trust it is not jece of my sanctum, riac. Wo; itia only ~— ——— (67), now and then ie himself Bo Writing egain on Janumry 24, 1888, he adds :—‘‘ Deas Siz,—A yenr or two ago I addressed you in grateful recognition of the never- Bhail steal our pleasures too, failing virtues of your world- famed remedy. The same old man in the same strain now salutes you with the following :— “ When Time who steals our years away, | Bno's ‘FRUIT SALT’ will prove our stay, And still health renew.” our EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AUSTRALIA, AMERIOA. *FRUIT SALT’ Fons § faithfully, MPORTANT TO TRAVELLERS, —“ Piease sond me half-a-dozen bottles of BNO’S ‘ FRUIT SALT.’ in all parts of the world for almost every complaint, feyer incladéd, with the most satisfactory results. in fact, lam never without it. I have tried opos can “Ag Anovo-Iypias Onricrs.” THE SECRET OF SUCCESS. STERLING HONESTY OF PURPOSE, WITHOUT IT LIFE IS A SHAM! ** A new invention is brought before the public, and commands success. A score of abominable imitations SOLD BY ALL CHEMIS are immediately introduced by the unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely enough to deceive the public, and yet not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, employed in an original channel, could not fail to secure reputation and profit.”"—-ADAMS. CAUTION.—Ezamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO’S “ FRUIT SALT.” a worthless imitation. 8rs. “FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON, S.E., BY J. C. ENO’S PATENT, Without it, you have Leen imposed on by UAM-VAR WHISKY. THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. USED IN THE PALACE AND THEE SEIZLING. THE BLST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards. Recommended by the MeJlical Faculty. DNES & GRIEVE, EDIMBU2GH and LONDON. ELEVEN OLD. Sige bate. Bs & sample, will be y address on receipt of P.O. sent free for 0a ta. RICHD. MA & CO. “ond B, HART BT., BLOOMSBURY, W.C. Bod by all Laspino Menonas ts ni and the Cotoniss. COLDEN BRONZE | Pel any eorour a The lovel ide att a | sir CHAS. CAMERON, M.D., says:—‘An Excellent Food, eters adapted to the wants of infants.” ESTABLISHED NEAVE’S Tor Fe and THE AGED. FOO ST AND CHEAP Dr. BARTLETT, Ph.D., F.C.8 _ —*T he Fiesh average ae best Parinec and Koue fm nt constituents are far above the eous I THE REAL “CUP O EiNDNE: Perfect Mending:« of the CHOICES WEAN DS of the Highest Classe« of Fine Old W hiskies, in their Native Purity, as produced in Seot'and, absolutely nares oy with Marcerp tw Sweeney Casas A Luxury in Pure Sevtch Whiskies 7, &. OoLp SsCuTcHn Exquisite Biendings—*%o harmo- Bious in combina tion— Possessing character so novel and +o enti a their own that they may fairly = the very first place among pigh- -clas stimulante Clever judges pronounce them “unique ard unrivalled " May be ordered any Wine Merchant, or wil be forwarded direet See that the Corks bear the re- spective number of Stars indjcat- ing — ity pa ume ae bos . BLENDED pm 9 ce notift bitte. doen, allowed for w turned, and |}. v4 fotes alowed empty nties. ttle. ear aa paid anywhere in the United — dom, on receipt of 4s. éd., and 3s. 64. re-peetiv ly PEASE, SON & CO., LEITH, SCOTLAND. English "addresses, LON WON and bane I NGION Established 166 {Please mention “ Punch” when ordering) Carriage pad on orders of One Dozen EXSHAW & 00.5 - EX iT OLD BRANDY 69s. per dog. im Cases as import Tr. Ww Seartauee & Go., WS, Kegent Derect Ww Gold ld Medals, ——y the quality being a emell fabel on cach ASK FOR AND DRINK ONLY GREERS'’ oe peek OLD VATTED HICHLAMD WHISKY. (in &q are Botties) At 45s. per Dozen Case. A biend of the finest Highiand makes, which « * Medical ees dese: ibes ea the perfection of otch Whisk sapanen 4s, BROMPTON ROAD 5.W., and all the leading Stores in London Wholesale Offices, 69, MARE LANZ, Z.C. | FLORILINE, FOR THE TEDTH AND BREATE. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the TEETH. Renders the Teeth PRARLY WHITER Is perfectly h:rmless, and Delicious to the Taste Is partly composed of Honey. and extracts trom sweet berbs and plints Of oi Chemie's and Perfamers throughout the world & @ ver botile Bold at LONDON, PLORILINE T ‘T00TE POwDz2 only, Put ep in giassjare. l'rice is Prepared only by The Anglo-American Drag Company, Limited, 33 Farringdon Read, Londen, EC 1889. ‘Paris, 1878 : JOSEPH GILLOTT'S PENS, Numbers for use by BANKERS :—Barrel Pons, 225, 226, 262. Slip Pous, 832, 909, 287, 166, 404. In Fine, Medium, and Broad Points. — ———— ee Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. SEPVAKE OF IMITATIONS OF OTM BRED AND BROWN LABELA “FOR THE BLOOD 18 THE LIFE.” GLARKE’S WOBLD-FAMED BLOOD eee Je warranted to cleanse the biood froma!! impu lice Peeme tes Comer erin) Vor terofulsa ,feurvy Jy de Le penees, and ores of « it the onty real a hhewmae! 2s vA it re in Je oe we Co onre wITATione

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ne wl wine ie ee OUTFITTER. PUNCH, OR . THE LONDON CHARIVARL— —Mar 30, 1891. Neo Lt LADIES’ TAILOR TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. 114 to 120, REGENT STREET, and 22, CORNHILL, LONDON, PARIS: 29 and 31, RUE TRONCHET. 10, MOSLEY STREET, MANCHESTER, 39, NEW STREET, BIRMINGHAM, 50, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL, NOVELTIES FOR SPRING AND SUMMER WEAR. GENTLEMEN. Scrtines from £3 3s., in an extensive selection of new rough-textured materials, for Sporting and Travelling wear. COATINGS, OVERCOATINGS, and TrRovusERINGS of the best manufacture. NICOLL'S world-famed OveRCoATS, for all Seasons and Climates, Every description and size kept in stock, including the new Racing Coat. Bors’ ee a Spéciahté, from good absolutely impossible. LADIES. Messrs, Nicoitt invite the favour of a visit to inspect their latest productions for Spring and Summer wear in CoSTUMES, JACKETS, CLoaxs for Racing and Travelling wear, CAPEs, &c. Spéciakté Ripise HABITS and PATENT SKIRT, with which dragging iy durable materials at very moderate prices. GREATER COMFORT YOUR CLOTHES WILL With the oid LAST LONGER, adulterated soaps, clothes wear out quicker then lightning. The “SUNLIGHT *OAP” takes the dirt out without injuring the finest material By Special Warents of Appeintnent To me the Guren. H.I. Majesty the Pmpress Frederick, and H.R. M. the Princess of Wales. EGERTON BURNETT'S ROYAL SERGES gure, nes and Arsote baci 'and igh Sam Pare Weel Unontpasced for heasty, Any Length Solid. Carriage Paid on Orders of ‘te. and above to any part of the United Kingdom. Do Acerts on Mippis-Max Exrcoren. EGERTON BURNETT, Wellington, re England. UNLIGHT SOAP wontuty COMPETITIONS. PRIZES value over £6,000 THESE COMPETITIONS will be CONT: WUED ZACK MONTE during 1891. There is no element of chance in thee com petitions, the winning of a prise depending entirely on the perseverance and trouble taken to collect the Wrappers, &c. WRAPPERS | CARD BOX COMPETITION. COMPETITION. Tor Girls & 16 last , tit 17 last birthday and under. | birthday b raises BeCe BOFTE: PRIce* Beck BOFTE os pone eh Joy 60 Silver Keyless Lever Watches, Waltham Watches, value £4 te each ' walue £26 4 each. Bend full Meme and Address on Post-Card lor Rules te LEVER BROS., Ltd PORT SUNLIGHT, near BIRKENHEAD. Drink GEROLSTEIN BEFORE BREAKFAST Drink GEROLSTEIN AND WHISKEY AFTER BREAKFAST. Drink CEROLSTEIN AND RED WINE FOR DINNER. Drink GEROLSTEIN AND WHISKEY AFTER DINNER. GEROLSTEIN COMPANY, 153, CHEAPSIDE. THE “WEW EASY” LAWN MOWER. The largest sise (34 inch) can be operated by one man. Apply for name of Lecal Agent. end for reports from the Heao Ganvunen of the OCuversat Patece and other Practical Ga deners, to the nol: “* PRINCESS SAFETY ” PURSE. PREVENTS SNATCHING PREVENTS DROPPING. An elegant and useful present for a Lady. Price ‘s. to2is. each. Of ail Stationers, or ORMISTON & GLASS, 17, ST. BRIDE ST., EC. ant, MAKE BABY CRY “ING SAFETY?) PINS MAUE OF COMMON BuAse WIRE, WHEN YOU CAN BUY Goodman's Royal § Silver Sa Sally Piss ‘Wateh ane portest and cannot pussibi = alt dealers. 7 post free, le 9. COODMAM, 82, Carcline Street, Birmingham. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. The Original and Genuine “* Worcestershire Sauce.” For HOT and COLD MEATS, GRAVIES, SALADS, SOUPS, WELSH RAREBITS, &c., & Signature is ou «very Hottie of the Genuine end Original. DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS FOR SUITS AND ULSTERS. 25, CONDUIT ST., W. SULPHOLINE rita LOTION THE CURE FOR ERUPTIONS, BLOTCHES, ECZEMA, ACNE DISFIGUREMENTS MAKES THE SKIN CLEAR, SMOOTH, SUPPLE, HEALTHY. TO THE CONTRARY ee 7 Be THE IMITATIONS OF “VINOLIA” SOAP ARE EVERY ONE OF THEM ALKALINE, STATEMENTS NOTWITHSTANDING. HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. Daily yield 507,600 2 at a temperaters Raths founded at Kath by the Romane in the Fint Century. The waters are weil known as being moa valuable in cases of Kheumatism, Gout, and tan Affections. The porperatien of Hath have 4 pe: In the words of one of the greatest Hygienks Physicians, Tae Barns 228 THe MoeT couriers E woe, Band ~— in the Pump-Koom. Letien to the Manager bet ~ receive attention and every tmformation. COLT'S NEW UNITED STATES NAVY ReVOLVER for House Protection, Travellers, and COLT’S LICHTNING MAGAZINE RIFLES, Target Proctor ene st Game, ~~ 4 Bhooting, = are unsurpas-ed for acc unequalled for rapidity of fire. a7 COLT’S REVOLVERS carried off all the highest Prizes at Hisier, Réia- burgh, and Dubin in 1890 Price List free. =" FIREARMS CO., 26, Glasshouse . Piccadilly Circus, Londen, ¥. THE “CHAMPION” HAND ICE MACHINE HAS BEEN GREATLY IMPROVED THIS SEASON, AND THE oo 1S NEARLY DOUBLED. ‘Always ready for use. Will Ice Water and Wines for the Table, mate lo Creom, and Block-lee, &e. gue Se 1ns 58 Geen ee Lies PULSOMETER ENGINEERING Co..14, NINE £LMS 1RON WORKS, LUNVON, a Machines shown at 63, Queen Victoria Street, *° Street, EERINCS sax coy ®RANDY. The Best Liqueur County of Middipses Prating Oficw of Mewre, Bredbury, Oe, Lamitok Suet, in the Parish of BU hickdes City of London —Sareanat, May 30, ia, j hin Ss Rat, Fises

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THE FIRST VOLUME “SOCIETY” PICTURES | se'secono parr hey aad ——— he Price 12)/- By GEORGE DU MAURIER. Snpneuny, seme, £8 1

“rin 4 oe Vil Aly ; yuh is .

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NOTICE.—T price A the Ewourn H Inueetesten Maeastee & now Six- pence Net. The terms on which & eurplied to bovkecllers are not such as will enable them to sell the Magazine at lem than the publiched price THE ENCLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE E. profusely wetrated, price 64. net. rn (vd « Rage saved ty W. Biecombe Ga duer efter a Drawing by L. Alma Tadema, Recoil) catiens of Cricket Frederick Gale. ue ales The Fate of Nana Gahib’s Englishman. archi ® Forbes ‘The Mar mere of England before the Armada. M. Malieay » paring 7 ‘lens ‘es Guna Robert Katiand Mancers The Life oad Postry of Francets Coppée 2. and | A @netees ts oa Mary Mather. Iles trations by W. J. Hemmesey *- *- = oe A Protracted Wedding. J. Theodore Rent. Gather Ye Sentete Werds by Kobert Her- i.) ustr-tion Oy Henry Ry land, 10. Life in an Austraiian Bush Town. Charles Vemere-q hs wetre ted M. The Witch of pragne. Chaps. XX., XEL ontinued ° rim Crawford, Hiustre- tions by W 3 fennemy, MACMILLAN & ©O., LONDON CONTENTS OF MACMILLAN § MACAZINE No. M0) for JUNE + The Rise of British Dominion im the East; by wir Alfred i get, hu B A Prince of Democracy; by H. L. Hevell My Lady's Beng; by Joseph Tramen The Woman in the Morgue; by Gllvert Parker. Some Unpublished Letters of Charlotte Bronte; by Mre. Wi theme Frederick Walker; by Julia Cartwright (Mre Henry Ady The Consciations of Art; by Ernest Rhys. By!via. Moltke as « Man of Letters; by H. A. Perry. The Stranyer in the House MACMILLAN & ©O., LONIT/ON, Now ready (Sixpence), New Series, No 96, THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for JUN B, covtaining “ The White Company,” Bees © ote - by A. Conan Deyie, Aathor of “ Micah Clarke,” Chaps. 16 to 17— “On the Prench-Swiss Frontier” ~— “A Homily” — “The King’s Leck” — “ The Labour Candidate "“—*“A Lament” — “ Our Thrushes " —‘' Eight Days,” by the Author of “ The louchstone of Perl,” Oheps 34 to 36. 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June 6, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 265

VOCES POPULI. BRICKS WITHOUT STRAW. Scesz—A Village School-room. A Juvenile Treat is in progress, | and a Magic Lantern, hired for the occasion, “* with pa of | slides complete—to last one hour,” is about to be exhibited, The Vicar's Daughter (suddenly recognising the New Curate, who ie blinking unsuspectingly in the lantern rays). Oh, Mr. Toorten, you’ve just come in time to help us! The man with the lantern says he only manages e slides, and can't do the talking part. And I’ve —— ~) of people no one will volun- teer. Would you mind just explaining the pictares to the children? It’s only a little N tale such an excel- t moral, you know. I’m sure ou i do it 80 aute s Mr. “ Pootler (a shy man), I —I’d doit with pleasure, I’m sure— only | really don’t know anything about Valentine and Orson! The V’s D = Oh, what dves that matter? 1 ean tell you the outline in"two minutes, (She tells him.) But it’s got to last an our, 80 you must spin it out as much as ever you can. Mr. Tootler (to himself). Ought I to neglect such a golden oppor- tunity of winning these yenng Seartet No. (Aloud.) I will—er— do my best, and perhaps I better begin at once, as they seem to be getting—er—rather unruly at the further end of the room. (He clears his throat.) Children, you must be very quiet and attentive, and then we shall be able, as we purpose this evening, to show you some scenes illustrative of the—er—beautiful old story of Valentine and Orson, which I doubt not is familiar to you all. (Rustic applause, conveyed by stamping and shrill cheers, after which a i? ts thrown on the screen representing a Village Festival.) ere, children, we have a view of—er—(with sudden inspiration)— Valentine’s Native Village. It is—er—his birthday, and Valentine, & young man who is universally beloved on account of his ility an good conduet——( To the Vicar’s D. ‘*1s that correct?” V's. D. “Quite, quite eorrect!”’)—good conduet, the vi are celebrating the—er—auspicious event by general rejoicings. How true it is that if we are only good, we may, young as we are, count upon gaining the affection and esteem of all around us! (4 Youthful Rustic, with a tendency to heckle. ‘‘ Et ’ee plaze, Zur, which on ’em be Valentoine?”’) Wp may bevery sure, would not be absent on such an oceasion, although, owing to the crowd, we cannot di ish him. But, wherever he is, however he may be occupied, he little thinks that, before long, he have to encounter the terrible Orson, the Wild Man of the Woods! Ah, dear children, we all have our Wild Man of the Woods to fight. With some of us it is——( He improves the occasion.) Our next resents——(7o Assistant.) Sure bein amia The

rep’ this comes next? Oh, ’re all num » are ? Very well——represents a forest—er—the home of Orson. If we were | permitted to peep behind one of those trunks, we should doubtless | see Orson himself, crouching in readiness to spring upon the unsus-_ pecting Valentine. So, often when we—&c., &o. The next scene | we shall show you represents the—er—burning of Valentine’s ship. | Valentine has gone on a voyage, with the object of —er—finding Orton. If the boat in the picture was only larger, we could no doubt | eatity Selentine sitting there undismayed, calmly confident that, notwithstanding this — er — unfortunate interruption, he will be | | guided, sooner or later, to ple—en-<goal. Yes, dear children, if we only have ane, if we only have &o., &c. Here we see—(an enormous Bison is suddenly depicted on the screen) eh ? oh, yes —here we have a specimen of —er—Orson's pursuits, He chases the bison. Some of you may not know what a bisonis. It is a kind of hairy cow, and—— (He describes the habits of these creatures as fully as he ws able, The Youthful Rustic, ‘‘ Theer baint nawone a-erntin’ of un, Zar.”) What? Oh, but there is. Orson is pursuing him, only—er—the bison, being a very fleet animal, has outrun his ursuer for the moment, May ee we + Pow ey eet we ave outrun our ut, depend upon it,” &0., &c. But now let us see what Valestinn 2 shout —— (Discovering, net coithout surprise, that the next picture is a Scene in the Arctic Regions.) Well, you see, he has succeeded in reaching the coast, and here he is—in a al drawn by « rei , with nothing to guide him but Aurora hastening towards the spot where he has been told he will find Orson. He Socan't despair, doesn’t lose heart—he is sure that, if he only keeps on, if he—er—only continues, only per- severes—( Aside, What drivel I amtalking! To Assistant. I say, are there many more of this sort? because we don’t seem to be getting ) ee oo Moonlight Scene, with a Cottage in P » @ppears)—to the —ah—home of Valentine's mother. You will observe a light in the casement. By that light the good old woman is sitting, longing and praying for the return of her gallant . Ah, dear dren, what a thing a good old mother is! (To the Vicar’s Daughter. “I really oan not keep on like this much longer. I’m positively corte slides are out of order!” The V.’s D. ‘Oh no; I’m sure it’s ali right. Do please goon. They're so interested!” The Young Heckler. “’Ow bout Valentoine, Zur?—wheer be ’ee?” Ah, where is Valentine, in- deed ? (To a Next slide—quick ! (Recognises with dismay a View of the Grand Canal.) No—but, I say— really, I can’t—— Here we have Valentine at Venice. He has that beautiful city,—well onlled the Queen of the Adriatic,—at last! He contemplates it from his gondola, and yet he no heart just now to take im all the beauty of the scene. He feels that he is still no nearer to finding Orson than before. (The Young Heckler. “‘ Naw moor be we, Zur. We ain’t zeed nayther on ’em zo far!” Tumult, and a general demand for the instant production of oo “ Pong Now, a children! this is very irregular. You must allow me to tell this story my © own way. You will see them bot in good time, if you only keep still! (To Ass.) L can’t stand this any more. The ¥ Heck! Valentine and Orson must be under- ——— neath the rest. Find them, and shove them in quick. Never mind the numbering! (The screen remains blank while the Assistant fumbles.) Well, have you got them ? X y The Assistant, No, Sir; 1’m rather afraid they ain’t here. Fact is, they’ve sent me out with the wrong set o’ slides. This ain’t Valentine and Orson—tt’s a miscellaneous lot, Sir ! [ Collapse of Curate as Scene closes in,

THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE. (By an Impatient — Influenza —Patient.) I Bust eu the Doctor dose, {| For bedsud taxes b purse. (I do ae head a pud!) [grows / It is ad awfud — What ails be; but that aidlbelt | This bedeud bakid be feel worse— . zie Oeaber beige do ond. Use, ‘The Bixture as Before!” abti e east wi ’ . Subtibes code showers pour, I Ser Ag ayed = hey ol . But daily cubs that doctor's lad,— By doctor treats it as a lark, The Bixture as Before! Ad tries by bide to cheer. The Idfiaedza I have got, But if by situashud goes, rli id s0; {hot,|_ I’b —ad twoscore! (dose— Subtibes I’b cold, subtibes 1’b| oad avail the Dootor’s . I cough, I obscene, 1 Mew, Lwell, | “ The Bixtare as Before” ? t GLapsTuD’s er, Ssirx "7 do dot bend. Olor!—— {bell ;| *reY, Taguenobes. a they,eay. There’s that codfouded itohid What batters ? Pe : “The Bixture as Before! The Doetor Bicrobes be blowed, a I’ve had at least a budth of i q Sidtz I was first struck dow 1’ll stad this thig do bore ! Yet here id slippered feet I sit! | Bany! was that the door-bell rag ? i —*' The Bixture as Before” ! By daily -a-crowd—

vom 0. AA

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(Jowe 6, 1891, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

THE TRYST. “Tt is stated that the Pungwé route to Mashonaland has been again cloced by the Portuguese Authorities,”"— Reuter, May 24. iil au Yi “a | TUM) \) ‘ y hi Yi ‘ SS Sa SSS a a & eax es AG —a . = Ne why! il: Wy p oy My Se , ee L(g)! | i! } | uh . Cecil Rhodes, ‘‘You ciearn ovt! Saz’s my ‘Masn!’” still guard t g Obstructive, y wants you to wa’ s exit and entry ? Clear out, my young friend, or with you ’twill go hard. Are you to rule everyone toh cr mount youn Now then, Where nobod

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June 6, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. iil | j | WAN MV I} | bE j i WUE fd THE VICTORY ROAD-CAR. To Pty TO AND FROM THE Naval Exarsirtion. , do! You Portuguese Tappertit, turn it aiey like you ? D’ye think I’il be stopped by a My Mash, that young woman! Will BD nen bar our meeting ? We're sweethearts Will you interfere with our tryst ? You pert whi , my sable-skinned sweeting My pee Cees ’s too wise to resist. Shall Ruopgs be cut out by a small Portugue With a gun anda swagger? Pooh! Fiddle de-dee! We've put up too long with your = my ies fellow, Because of your size. upon which you presum Oh, it’s no use to twirl your qioustexhe and feck. yellow! Mean having that gal, ~ yee you fume, You’d better boy, or no doubt Before very long we ve [oir clos lean you right out, Lom at home, keep your own ways a little bit clearer, nd don’t go a-blocki king up other baker Silla send. mr bal’ “My good nature bed Neca agli a, good-nature your impudence goad Clear ae Pi you’re safe, you young shrimp! Don’t be For I shan’t let you come between me and my Mash ! A Last WonD ON THE WHAT-YOU-MAY- -CaL-DERON Picrvre.—It isn't often is eitied of ** the inferior clergy,’ fn Py a Clarke in tted against an ‘* Abbott.” as ed in the Seegnien 0 boat ir. "Carson's picture of ‘* St. Srebeth's Heroie Act of Renunciation.” In this instance the Clarke got the better of the Abbott, and the others, including Professor Huxter, who is always ready to rush in and in- _ Vite somebody to tread on the tail of his were a ae mts on the Royal hedeny Exhibition | pat time as it nom to if he yf the tified th of Well- bed Oilysium of The Happil on the line, Mr. Catpgzow will generally recognised as y Immortals. In the = wo Be, Blaabeth RECIPE. (For a speech in the House of Commons on the proposed adjournmen for the Derby.) a pentiel f jebeite and ope he up small, n sophistical fudge, no logic a Then pepper the mixture with snigger and jecr; Add insolent ‘‘ sauce,’ a Foe tow of sneer ; Shred stale Meo fine, just as much as ee want, porate Sateen alls of the lamp "— Then lighten with should” Serve up, with the And you'll find a few geese to taste st and praise you / f THE DRAMA THEN AND NOW. THEN. &cawe—Dining-Room in Mra. Gaunpy’s House, Misses Grundy and their Mother discovered at Luncheon. an aie G. Oh, Mamma, do take us to see Formosa at Drury “Mra. Grundy. My dear! Why, it’s absolutely shocking! All the papers are ringing with the impropriety! Couldn’t possibly econd Miss G. But, Mamma dear, the Boat-Race Scene is so excellent. We might sit at the —9 of the box, and put our fingers in our ears when you signalled to Mrs. Grundy. Well, as you say, «= Boat-Race Scene is excellent, and as for impropriety, we must ignore it. [ Ezeunt to get places for Drury Lane, NOW. Scene as before, Time and situation as before, Company as before. Mites Wins G. Oh, Mother darling, do take us to see Formosa at at Grundy, Certainly, I hear the Boat-Raco Soene beate the Second Miss G. It is xt ificent, and the dialogue is 20 interesting. Twenty y said it was improper! As Inszw would observe, ‘ {Only t that!” Mrs. Grundy. Did the they’ Well, as you say, the Boat-Race Scene is excellent ; and as fur the im y,—in these days of Ghosts, Pillars of Society, and D Girls, we haven't time fe notice it! Ezeunt to get places for Drury Lane. The D

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| 268 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jone 6, 1891, LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. Billebury, Thursday, May 22.—Came down here yesterday, to stay for a fortnight onend. Four meetings have been different wards, and a good deal of time is to be d : ing Pleasant prospect! Begin to think that, on the whole, it was Chambers, planning imaginary Law- 4. Oa Tuesday I lanched with the Betramrs, to say good-b Mrs. Bettamy made herself very agreeable. Somebody, so with a single-hearted purpose to the service of their country. So days, And shun the rugged paths Mrs. Betiamy quotes him on all possi ago she gave me a beautifally bound copy of his book, “‘ Per Ardua, in to canvass- | easier work to wear an occasional wig in the Law Courts, or to sit in | e. she had told her that my chances at Billsbury were ex t, and she declared she had always admired young men who devoted themselves different from the crowd “Of shallow- who scorn laborious was ppt Fy familiar qaotation from the works of to Y , the poet. pleased to see us. They don’t care uestions in the back-streets. They mostly say, ‘My father was a Bins and his father afore 'im, and I’ve bin a Blue all my life, and [ ain’t a goin’ to change my eolour now. You're all t, Sir; you ’ve no call to bother about me. I wish you success.” _— t mind being asked any amount of questions as to where they lived before, how long they ’ve been in their present houses, and soon. It’s alla kind of entertainment to them. Here and there, of course, you come on a keen politician, who really understands. I hear CHorx.e's dinner to-morrow is to be a grand affair. ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA! (From owr Special Correspondent at the Agricultural Hall,) | by Hewny Gattierow, MA.” I’ve —- t a notion she has a whole room- ull of the unsold copies, somewhere at the of the house. After luncheon had a talk with Mary, who really looked pret- tier than I’ve ever seen her. She said, ‘‘ Now that you have got into what Mamma ‘the vortex of politics,’ I suppose you'll despise = our sim little ——- an in to forget everybody ex the Billsbury voters.” I asked her how she could say such a thing, told her I never could forget the happy hours I’d t with her at Exhibi- tiens and dances, and so forth, and assured her I loathed the Bilsbary voters (which, by the way, I really think I do). Iwas just beginning to screw myself up to the pitch of asking her the question, in fact. I had takea her hand, and was actually stutteri out something which made her down at her feet (she’s got the smallest and prettiest foot I ever saw), when the footman opened the door and anneunced Pomraer, Of course Pomrast must have seen something was up. He’s a beast, bat not a fool. Bat he chattered | in the world. away volubly, jast as if he were the most delightful and welcome person I got so angry after ten minutes of it, and my toes and fingers began to have such an almost irresistible longing to be at him, that I thought it best togo. Bat Mary gave me a look as I went away which simply went right through me, the hiodest and most beautifal look any two eyes ever gave to an unhapp man. I shut my eyes constantly va mélée, many & of the | many a securing of the tent-peg. Nay, her, I had F ; zs. 3 g a. 5 F F hearts of a noble people ( resented by occupants of rom ten shillings downwards) went out to them, and they were greeted with a mighty shout. The English race recognised the service that was bei done. The Mother thanked her Chi Over the stormy sea had come the soldiers of the Southern Cross to tell any Britons still remaining in played- out E how war should be waged; hog be es should be won. body were small; still, we had = hal Gets heed is country ” a . the distance, near the southern en- trance, were bushes; then, a little nearer home, a second row; then, nearer still, a canvas ion repre- senting a fallen tree; then more bushes; and last, the door from which we had emerged to receive the plaudits of the First, rade om a gong slight hesita galloped (taking, without much difficulty, the hedges bring the whole scene back, and in ANCIENT EXAMPLE OF FEMALE MASHER. They fired way) — nwhile the imagination I throw Pomrrert out of the window, and carry Mary in triumph to the nearest church, while A TYRE AND SIDON GIRL. (Attire and Side on Girl.) rest of our body had dismounted. and had buckled the forelegs of w mother quotes the late _ Aad hee I ATTLETON'S poetry over us in blessing, en I open them again and find myself in this hole. Dinner with the Caonx.zs on Saturday. May 24.—Started canvassing yesterday and continued to-day under | the charge of Mr. Drees, one of the Town Councillors. ‘* Old Dicky Duxes,” the people here always call him. He’s supposed to be one of the most knowing cards in the whole county. A man of about sixty-four, with light brown hair, rather curly, a wig, say his detractors, but I can’t make my mind up chest it =m cot haven’t been able to study him closely with his hat off. His is large face a cross between J. L. Toote’s and Diasr’s without the goatee. Always wears 2 frock-coat of best broadeloth, an immense top- hat. Has one curiously protrading tooth which fascinates me, and makes my attention wander when he’s telling me his anecdotes. keep wondering how it ever got into that strange position—a sort of dental rocking-stone, weird i lieable. Everybody — | knows him, as he represents the St Mack's Ward (which we are can- vassing) in the Council. The flourish with which he always introduces me is wonderful. I might be an Emperor honouring the place with a visit. Bat the people take it all as a matter of course, and seem thinking how good it was of these nt _ each horse so that it might not un- duly wander. This clever idea was nearly cro with success. Then tents were got out—without any hurry. They were pitched in a isurely fashion. Then the fire was lighted, also without flarry. The two scouts now cantered back knocking over a bush on their way. Shots were heard in the distance, and our camp was , very itouvely. broken up. The tents were, with somedifficulty, laced on the backs of the horses, and most of our troopers mounted without serious difficulty. One certainly was thrown, and another had to hold firmly to his horse. Then weadvanced. We again dismounted. One of our body, after some negotiation, collected the reins of our horses. We fired, and again leisurely mounted. Then our troopers hurried off. And when the magni i was over, I could not help i i Colonists to come .

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June 6, 1891.]} + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL HOW LONGP Extracts from a Tragic International Romance, written up to date, Tue Government makes WHAT IT MAY COME TO IN LONDON. (As the Point has been nearly reached in Paris.) Scenz—A Hall devoted to Mz. Enison’s latest inventions. A Lecturer acting as Showman to a crowd of possible Customers. selocti i ease go within. Operas with fig separ i weeks ago, and she Hotel, Paris. Might I hear what they are saying. Here’s their name, Lect, (taki: d). Nothing easier. (Speaking through telephone.) Put us on to Grand Hote Paris, Room 1564. (To tomer.) A illi Madam. here are, ° ° (She places them to them hurriedly.) Oh dear me! She has kept him waiting, and he is using such bad language!) , You ought to have told me. Lect, Wi *t guarantee language. Why, would believe it sien, Goad canselinen tip nave aamiiaiainel Winans ankd te iemeen? i Gen make selection. (To Intelligent- we i it, Sir ? f Stranger. I done mind if I do, (Raising receivers.) Call this a ic comedy ?_ Why I can hear firing! Lect. Very strange, Sir. N in the to account for it. Intell, Stran. Stay, you say it’s in ! I know what the pe hs They don’t like the piece, and they are shooting the u Lect. Of course, Sir! (To Small Boy.) ” And now my little man, “ "deck Soy Fieass, Wie, 1 hove got, chilling to pend in hessing ° x ve 7 in wodeine sr; amme). Here is a liet of our stations. You ve wires on to all parts of Europe, Africa, Asia, and on Intelligent Oh. that will bs ules "Which shall I have? Lect, Can't a t say—you pay your money, and you take your choice! And now, Ladies end Gntienen, 1am ak io ouar communes ¢ Astendo to other Custimerdiae Giatinene esse én. Cur tain, THE VERY WILDEST WEST. “The idea of transporting the Coliseum at Rome tothe shores of Lake igan has been broached in all seriousness, The American Syndio.te who desire to make the Coliseum an attractive feature of the Chicago Exhibition, rely for oe on the financial necessities of the Italian Government,”’— (BY ATLANTIC CABLE.) President H-rr-s-n to King H-m-b-rt. A Cucaco Syndicate has asked me to mention that they want Ney A — ar Whe ane gone’ They would be glad cf it the World-Fair, — about the thing ever seen on this planet. No trouble to you. We take all risks!, King H-m-b-rt to President H-rr-s-n, Cannot discuss Coliseum subject till ’ve settled New Orleans lynehing business in conformity with In Law. President H-rr-s-n to King H-mb-rt. All right. Thought ycu'd eay that. Chicago Syndicate willing to meet your views about Do you want ‘ members of — — pped quietly over =, Italy, or what ? yndicate ~ will do anything to oblige. Says it must have Coliseum, | S Seleieiiisenliptio scans : 6 scenes AED > with Gladiators, Lions, and © Christian Martyrs. King H-mb-rt to President = H-rr-s-n,. ¢ On reflection. afraid people here wouldn’t like it. Sorry to have to decline your offer. President H-rr-s-n to King H-mb-rt. You want ready cash. We want Coliseum. Why not strike bargain? Syndicate offers five million dollars. Usefal for your pext Budget. You can remit no end of taxes. People sure to like that, King H-mb-rt to President H-rr-s-n. Couldn’t let it goso cheap. Have youthought of Parthenon? Greek Government might part with it as a loan, on reasonable terms. President H-rr-s-n to King H-mb-rt. Thanks for ing Parthenon. Chi Byndicate thinks it’s och ale io mating Sele et ee oon well. Also Parthenon by moonlight not such asafe draw as Coliseum. King H-mb-rt to President H-rr-s-n. me peep ee et wo rn i ears, r, wear and tear alone excepted. . President H-rr-s-n to King H-mb-rt. Sentient expe & Sey hove to oy so much for Coliseum, and return it, they must have remains orum thrown in. King H-mb-rt to President H-rr-s-n. Don’t think we could ruins of Foram. Have you thought of Vatican? We could y spare that. Why not appreach the Porz on the subject ? President H-rr-s-n to King H-mb-rt, No, thanks! Sorry to have troubled tos gothing, tat Syad- cate now arran tobalil a Giles af ioaue, deniie Ge size of yours, and to uce Forum, Parthenon, Capitol, Vatican, as well as Windsor and Westminster Abbey, out of old brown goomed qa Lemees > a new process, Ta-ta for ope you ll get over next Budget all right. ~~ a i i : ee ian 7 —~= ‘ = — paper, present !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Joxe 6, 189), THINGS ONE WOULD(N’T) RATHER (In Mrs. Talbot de Vere Skynflynte’s Drawing- Room, after one of her grand Dinner-Parties where nobody gets enough to eat,) General Guazleton, “‘Wuat's THAT! Tzat No, THANKS, I weveR TAKE Tea UniEss I’ve Dinzp!” ALL ADRIFT; OR, THREE MEN IN A PUNT. [ The uncertainty as to the course of business, justifies, to a certain extent, the criticisms of Sir Wrtu1am Harcourt and Mr, Lasoucners, upon the proceedings of the Government.”— The Times.) B-lf-r. Hamph! Shifting ground again! in for a quiet swim and good sport. “ Oh! the jolly angler’s life Is the best of any !” I did think we were B-If-r (muttering, and wrestling with his rod), All very well, man, but 1 ve got to get clear first. Keep her still a minute, do. (@-scu-» * holds on” till he gets red in the face, whilst B-L¥-2 tugs at his tackle, Sm-th (shoving strenuously). My duty—to my—pals and punt— must be done—at any cost; but if this is—‘‘ the contemplative man’s recreation,’’— give me a hammock at Greenlands! (Puffs and blows. Aloud.) Are you all right, there, G-sca-n ? G-sch-n (petulantly). All right be blowed! What are you up to? 8m-th (mildly). Trying to keep you straight, of course, my dear Yes, that’s all very fine, Izaak. But it depends upon your pitch | boy ? —and your companions. Saas G-tca-N, what are you up to? Don't let the puat swing ro like that, man, I was nearly over, 0 ee eigen oth pole; aR ell f to sit cooll G-sch-n (struggling with pole’. very well for you to si y there and criticise me, Artrava! Wh-o-o-of ! Confound the punt, it’s all over the place, and the stream ’s like a mill-race. B-/f-r. Well, hold on to the pole, Joxrm, or we shall be all adrift. We'd better have kept to our first pitch ; it was quiet there, and we hooked one or two sizeable ones. ( Aside.) Fact > yen *re such a fidget, you lose your fish, and then want to change yo. G-seh-n (aside). That's right, grumble, ye Dawdling duffer, he sprawls across the well in one is infernal wsthetic attitudes, picks the best swim, and girds at us who have to handle the poles. Wonder Sm-rx stands it. Sm-th (aside), Well, it’s a good job I’m back in the 7 G-scu-n may be all very well at a right-away race in a wager-boat, when the money’s on, and I’ve seen him do a decent bit of bank- fishing in a pegged-down match ; but he doesn’t shine as a punter, though he fancies himself a second Apert Beaster. (Aloud.) Hitch on that chain, Joxrm! G-sch-n (blowing). Hang it, I can’t. [ Punt oscillates dangerously, nearly tipping over B-L¥-2's chair, and making his rod wobble. B-lf-r. For Heaven's sake, G-eca-y, mind what you're up to! My hook’s foul in a snag, and you've nearly snapped my top-joint. G-sch-n. Well, wind up, then! G-sch-n, Oh! I like that / B-/f-r (working away at his winch), Humph! We've stirred up a quiet swim, wasted a lot of ground-bait, lost several fish, and—now where are we / Sm-th, Look out, G-scu-nw! We shall be foul of that awkward snag if we’re not careful! Let’s settle down here, G-sch-n (stabbing wildly with his pole), All very well—but I ak find bottom that wil hold. Shove, Sm-rH, and keep your end up! Sm-th, Jast what I’m trying to do. [ Pushes gallantly. B-if-r, Nice chance for hooking ’em after this infernal stir-up' Take me half an hour to get my tackle out of tangle, and then it’ll be close on to shutting-up time. One big ’un and two or three little ones not mach to return with. k at impudent young rascals chyiking us from the banks! Oh, for heaven’s sake, you fellows, get her fixed! Sm-th, Hear the weir roaring, G-scn-n? We're getting too near ** Danger,” dear oT. That’s right, you’ve got ground there. Now, then hold her up! hold her up! G-sch-n (a tip-toe, and at an angle). Dash it, how she drags! | was all but over! Come up! There, 8m-rH, shove her up sharp, or | shall be off, or lose the pole ! 8m-th (shoving his hardest), All right! Shove it is!! Hold on, G-scu-x,—I’m here!!! Rude Boys (from the bank). Yah—Boo! Better git out and walk, and let Aus pole that punt for yer ?

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errand iter PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Joxe 6, 1891. AY’ \ \ BV ROO AL ys Sah DANN X AS 7 ” . +e SOA \ NN aN ; Val RY a. \Ne \ Wy N \, hy eA \\ NY AN) \ XY \ ‘h il) “Il a" agiipiilise ALL ADRIFT! W. H. Smrra. *‘ HOLD ON, GOSCHEN! ‘Z’M HERE!!”

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June 6, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———=—— CHILD’S CHIT-CHAT. ROBERT AT THE DARBY. (Possibly written for proposed insertion in certain of Mr, Punch's Feminine ) . | geste Desty Dag! Dearest Lew —We are now back from Herne Bay, where, staying | ppy da at Mrs. *s* we met some of the smartest people. sets, and If ever you visit this watering- ‘i i Mrs. —— up. She is a most charming creature, i au sauce pain at the table d’héte, is simply charming. Her ome, with our pockets pretty well stuffed i considering the company Py: meet, are very reasonable. Now, I little flarsk of summut nice, never mind what, off we sets know you want to learn all about my new gowns. Well, the Pater | City at nine a clock, hay hem, and at nine forty by the church clock insisted that I should send to the —— ee sg A Sear off we starts on our lus journey, reddy, as the Poet ssys, to dash for patterns. Me eae ane ob8 Sey 1) that we * patronise through thick and thi British Industry.” got, amongst other tful netions, the | As it appened it was fortunet cleverest idea possible in stripes, and intending to be very economical, to say, we hadn't 80 bought a paper pattern from —— in —— Street. Well, I turned | sum mistake of the out, all by myself, a most stylish frock, which IsaBELLe says suits us, it began for to rai me to the d| about the Darby of —— | twenty times, in the larst d t we was a having a parsing shower. How coudnt quite undustand, whether we dru “hog E ding. y lagiy superb in rh satin, and the Countess o HOLEBOROUGH has a eit oH ny wi talk of Row until the end of the Of course, we have been to the Private Views. We miss Grosvenor very much, aes 0 [ T i . as s : BF 4 l wT ECi Fe: reese A E ; I of are be It may have bin thorts Bonnet, Such agane Natur! Luckily, jest after she left me, one o wheels sunk do Fe x . y the way, if the poor little patient ¥ is suff from influenza I y sol : _ ’ fancy he is), he d voy & ms . we gallant steeds pulled it out again. tained immediate relief by taki 2 unluckily, the one as pu ——s——. Bat leaving i © Os { ; OL, let his foot slip, and sent subjects out of the question, there jg Z , a ; a reglar shower of whity-brown are other gloomy pictures—besides A J , : e Ae ay % mud all over me from top to tienta, henge of peiannaen, Gall Gi = Uf %: SE or rayther, from At to Boots, an _* poupers. Fortunately, most é V Yh BAG Mihai “ I was in that orful 0 are 8 hy) Ce Mii | (EE of these last aro,“ skied,” which TIM Waae7/7 (duet NWN ag. ** PEACE.” Stratus or tus Ricut Hon. Antuux Goirovur. However, as the subject is a li (Out of the Academy.) en ea it is just as well that it should be buried in the gaiety jie. Deageness Reeetenet are s meee w 0 garden was cov in by Messrs. ——, Street, and the massed Bands of the Ca Brigade at ied the Music. The supper (furnished by —, of — ), was served in the Lawn Cricket Saloon, and the tic apartment was crammed the whole evening. I know you recipes. I extract the following from——’s Guide to Grub, a capital brochure published at a shilling. “ Pick, wash (in plenty of water), and drain 2 lbs. of crab-shells without bruising Pare and core some well -y ~ apples. When these are well heated, add the spinach. Cut into neat slices a dish of lamb’s fry, and fry ita nice brown in the bacon liquor. Boil all together till the syrup is reduced to half the quantity, them lay the lemon peel on the apples, and pour | near so much as it did in the morning, the syrap over them.”” ate y My sweet darling didn’t grumbel a bit at me It is a Russian dish, and is called Béésh. You must tell me what sta » wallet Gommen tas bat birthday, but the werry you think of it, Ever your most loving friend, Srxie. (as she did say that night * Names and addresses of tradespeople, &c., editorially suppressed until little holliday, but I think that we won’ arrangements have been completed in the Advertisement Department. |the Darby !’ Fis af

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(‘ss0wpasts6 429y) 430 pun ‘e40yt avoddy 03 pxnoz)p 24m ssoynfisoas Worf exvbejeq JI) "SNOWWCO 4O 3SNMOH 3H1L JO UVE BZHL 30 WV3H0 «SWYV-LY-LNV204N3S PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. oo , o . : \, . } i ] i. Son ly 4 wa i » “4 WiMilt i Sar eae | rv ; i. , a »— + r - " i / i 1} Fe 6 hel 1! 5 {i ,)) tn win 47 “A a ih, “ ” — - ° Viernes 2 ures tae ence wy rer reset [ue Cd |e | et ates bias d) BL thils wnt tree

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Jone 6, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE COLISEUM—AT CHICAGO! (Imitated—at a respectful distance—from E. A, Pox.) ae It is stated that a Syndicate of ‘ Capitalists bas = Reuse Sate Cho aided 66 gunanenns Se remains of the Coliseum at Reme, and transporting them to Chicago.’’} “ Bartered to make a Yankee Holiday.”

! Rich b oaiemary to Time, Of turning to some table Thy size, thine ce hy rnd, gloom, and glory! Vastness! and Age! and Memories of Eid ! Silence! and Desolation! and dim Night! Where are ye now ? eng ee yous a, But Pox was but a poet. Better far Be turned to “‘ bizness” in a dime Museum, Or trotted out, for cents. at the World’s Fair Than rot away beneath Rome’s ruddy stars! 11, Here a smart Syndicate shall set you up, Here, where we ran Po swine — did slaves, sanguine carniv: sausage- Here, where Chicago belles their Pile in Greek knots,— to gaze on brawn and ! Here, where in gilded cars ae _pork-kings lo Driven Mammon-like unto their gel Lia ae So won Nant of So ee oe, wift-wheeled and Ghesh-lpgal Mes end er dene, IV. You'll pay! These walls—these ivy-clad arcades— SS = These 2 SoS plinths — these fr and blackencd SS SS =) Wy je vague ype ) a ae ruin— XN <= — ; re W the carria er ‘oam, And the tall price thet Italy will ask,— UNCONSCIOUS CONFESSION If she eae ll you to Porkopolis ! Old Bachelor (who caters for himself), ‘‘Mns. Surrn, I DIDN’T CARE FOR THAT ¥, LzG oF eS BOUGHT YESTERDAY. IT HAD A QUEER ey ta Landlady, ‘‘Oun, 8 BEAUTY | AND DELICIOUSLY TzeNpER!” «No fear! "— " “mo fear!” ndlady H, Sim, 17 was A BEA 80 Italy is hard up, her bare Exchequer Forebodes financial ruin to her realm. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. we mane-Cemaoen Copdienies 20 22. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. wire despotic sway ambitious minds; House of Commons, Monday Night, May 25.—Members coming back in We are omnipotent. Shall stones slightly increased numbers. Haxcourt returned from his wandering to and Contend for power with us f—shall antique fame, fro. AxkersDovetas back after his influenza experience ; presen Or mere word-wizardry of old renown, to ‘‘ tell” in a division, is welcomed by a cheer that rises as Match the fa hat encircles us, — Benches as from Ministerial Corners, ”? Ridiculous! w sieo back ent of ie Saeenee Tene Not aft th the mysteries teas ledig eek : ia his place again, sprinkles fine pncbes of of subli- O'd Edex Rerum like a perme § mated cayenne pepper upon Crawroxrp and others eget, Almighty Dollar! !

and air their grievances.)

ee Tee eee R who want to know about Manipur. May match that Master-Mage— But though various benches filled up with Hy} familiar figures, Members look round in vain for OUR PARTICULAR TIP COMES OFF RIGHT! on; Sees — Ly Ww You may remember thet lest week, ist before the Gem om the Thareday | Derby, I furnished oat it So that there might 'be no doubt about eat I named the absolute First, Second, and Third. e 255), ‘* We may take it that the winner will be fo out of Common.” But secure One, Two, Three, ht Frascors Premier ave cnanewen mal dp), ¢ Bravo, Gouverneur !’” implying that the F horse was certain of a place. But pe further still; I gave the Third. I carefully introduced in my short article the name of every pro save Martenhurst, wapems quently bgrame And what nas I 2 ee aa ig , 3 Deby wi one ne int ea or the Fil” | (we iw teful point out No. be sent to 85, Fleet Street. addressed to Tue Opp Maw Ovr. AM Wetter on “Tue Metoerre Discrosvnes.”— Th Nene te ald Pn Uf Delegates from everywhere are allowed to appear there,

TRE SEARVUEAMN FAT SCAMS

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Rae rene iy: 276 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jus 6, 1891. House,” said Joxru, nervously rubbing his hands, “‘ must await the return of my Right Hon. friend, which we expect will be celebrated on Wednesday.” a “Well,” said Harcourt, in one of his stage asides, “ this is a revelation indeed. Always thought Orn Mogairr was an easy- vying gentleman, deferential in manner, unassertive in action. ft seems he's a regular tyrant, a sort of unapproachable Padishah. In his bosom are locked all the secrets of all the purposes of the Ministry. He takes noone into his confidence, but broods over the destinies of the Empire in the haughty solitude of the watch-tower at Walmer. When he away for short holiday, public business entirely dislocated. Noone can say or do anything except hoarsely whisper his name. Joxra lives in a state of terror, and even the martial spirit of Geoxcz Hamittow cowers in reoollecting his esence. oy shows how prone humanity is to error. We and the abliec = y have created for ourselves an Otp Morattrr, a genial, ming, modest, unobtrusive personalty, always ready to oblige, desirous of meeting the views of Members in all parts of the House, anxious only to do his duty to his Quezw and Country. Whereas it is clear he isa martinet of the severest type, a ruthless tyrant, a man who rules with a rod of iron, and keeps his followers in a condition of abject personal terror.” Business done.—Vote on Account taken. Incidentally, Oxp Moratity’s character brought out in its true light. Tuesday.—Awcnata to Amunatn succeeds. We had a Lord Excno, and, thank Heaven! we have one still—not exactly the perem selfish] prist car Eacunte our Ga- THORNE Haspys, turning into Earl of Wemyss, and Viscount se leaving us = yn te or compensation, that long- threatened institution would be finally doomed. Bat, by bene- ficent arrangement, when Etcno and Gatnorwe Harpy fared forth, the one to become Earl of Wemyss, the other Thus is the wind tempered to the shorn lamb. The system works Say - two ways. — quality , it is m strained. It blessoth him that ay Je By ouse is y the new recruits, and we still have our Excuo to make jokes, and our Harpy to preach sermons. seating to Ecco, jeuntily fte movin ournment over y After the Adjournment. Day, oe all this to the Sacr of Quexw Anne's Gare, who shortly replies, “‘ Fudge!” Remark does not seem consequential ; not at all sure that it is Parliamentary. Long debate on Budget Bill; Hancovrt discourses at on Joxim’s finance. Joxi™ sits listening with amused air. Lifeis on the whole to him aseriousthing. But is one episode that suffuses it with a gleam of humour; that isto hear Harcourt talking Finance. “One of the very few things,” Joxru says, ‘of which he knows ab- solutely nothing.” Now J. A. Picton, on the contrary, thinks a good deal of Hancovrt’s aptitude for finance, and when Joxim had girded at him for the space of half an Squree or Mitwoop had the satisfaction of hearing JcuLrus ’AwwinaL Picrow publicly describe his criticism as “‘ a most formidable attack on the Roaneial scheme of the Chancellor of the Exchequer.” Business done.— House agrees to make holiday on the Derby Day. _ Thureday.—On Morattry back to-night ; everyone glad to see him; with trumpets also and shawms would we oe him, but Speakers ruled proposed demonstration out of ; #0 only cheered. With exception of slight Italian accent et pe ne | he had lingered noticeable in his pronunciation of the word ‘* Newfound just the same. Before sitting far advanced, wished he ior another twenty-four hours on the waters of the tideless sea. Newfoundland Fishery Question on; the delegates to be heard at Bar. Members, eager as aang Ses for new sensation, crowded the Benches, in expectation of an hour’s amusement. | One of Our Conquerors ? Otp Moratrrr, fresh from Cabinet Council, knew that hope would be disappointed. Government had deci to accept comoromise ffered by Newfoundland Legislature ; consequently Sir Woi1x aLLance WurrewaY, K.C.M.G., would not appear at the Bar. It is Oid Monatrry’s littie way to put on appearance, in whatever startling development of affairs, as if what was happening was exactly what been expected. To-night, at end of questions, he quite casually mentions settlement arrived at, and proposes that without debate Second Reading of Newfound- land Fisheries Bill shall be taken. ‘‘ A mere form, you know,” he said, nodding in friendly fashion across the table at Hancourt. ‘* Every- is amicably settled ; we certainly won't mention Bill again for three and then only to withdraw it. Let us it now a second time just for the fun of the thing.” PN. nse _= for a my ag by mers | isappointment, irresponsive C) resence of Old Moratity, who succeeded in ooking as if he had said something which though of no serious importance, was calculated to be generally en Lyd position was something akin to what used ppen in St. James’s Hall when M came forward to _, @mnounce owing to cold, Mr. Sirus -. REEVES not be able to sing. Members % glared round as if they were going to ask for their money back; pees aggravating to have Op Morauirr still Aiding and callin on Treasury Bench. If he is Or were going to bo pat off in that way, learn was m ; 80 over 7 istaken Debate raged three ; hours, at end of which, Op Mora iry, swear- ing he would ne’er consent to adjournment of 6 Debate, consented. == ver to the Just now, Axrns-Dovetas moved Writ for npueny. New Election in the City, and for the moment Members turned from Newfoundland to think kindly of genial, hearty, honest ‘‘ Yan! Yau!” gone over to the majority. Business done.—N sudedidindl Fisheries Bill shelved. Friday.—Joxim had another tumble. Came down with light heart at Morning Sitting, proposing to ran Budget Bill through Committee. Henny Fow.er, certainly not an obstructive party, objected, on constitutional ground, that CoanceLtor oF Excarqurr was asking House to propose taxation for purposes not yet defiaed, “Give us your Education Bill first,” said Fow er, ‘*‘ and then we'll —_ = Budget that provides ways and means. No Education Bill, no get.” Argument irresistible. Joxm« meekly withdrew, and House took up usiness. This continuous blundering not cheerful for Ministers ; wonderful how Axeus-Dovetas bears up; more than usually beaming to-night. Don’t understand till Gazette comes out, when, looking down Birth- day List, find they ’ye made him a Privy Councillor. ‘My Right Hon. friend, if I may him so,” says the Memser for Sarx, ‘“‘richly deserves the honour. I’ve a many Whips in my time, but I never came across one who did equally effective work with less friction, than does the Right Hon. Anstas Axens-Doveras.” A. A. Doveras is of course a mistake; his real initials are A! Dove.as. Business done.—In Committee of Supply. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, My Dear Banow,—Let me recommend to your favourable notice, and to that of your readers, ‘‘ Stories told at Twilight,” by Mrs. CHANDLER MovLrow, the American poetess, who has demonstrated how deftly she can touch the lyre, and shows what a clever story- teller she can be. These are not ghost-stories as one might imagine, but tales for children, told with so much and feeling that they will also secure a large audience among children of a larger growth. Also look at Old Time Punishments, by Mr. Wiutttam ANDREWS, who gives an exhaustive account of ancient punishments, copiously illustrated, and so graphically desoribed, that he makes us congrs- tulate ourselves in not having flourished in the olden times, or we might have become practical illastrations of the discipline of our forefathers. How are you getting ave with Gzonex MxRxEpITH’s ours, Heap Crerx in THe Booxrne-Orrice. ost advertise for it. Bazow pe Boox- Worms. uy NULICE.— Kejectoe Communications or Centributions, whether Ms., Printea Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any im no c@se be returned, not even when there will be no extvption. ton, will by s Stamped apd Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Joune 6, 1891. CURIOUS OLD HIGHLAND WHISKIES + «+ « 7 30 15 & 26 years ia woot. oie per dos. 48/- 60/- 72/- 120/- An eminent Medical Anthority, in reoom- mending the Moderate use of Fide; states that on no acconnt should be used unless it is well matured. Detailed List on application to MOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 210 @ 211, PICCADILLY; 18 @ 19, PALL, MALL; 143, REGENT 8ST. Whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY Contains noSuger. Is pot stored in Sherry Caske. Ter DIABETES, GOUT, & KIDNEY COMPLAINTS. “ Certainly seems to déserve its Rame.”—Lancer. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. GEO. BACK & CO.,, Devonshire Square, London. “JOHANNIS” KING OF TABLE WATERS. CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL CAS. Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, and Indigestion. Mixes equally well with Wines, Spirits, or Milk Not medicinal, but .Brecatte health-promoting Verage, SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS AND KESTAURANTS, Sample Cases of 5) piats, 18/6, including bottles. JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd., ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. Waotrtice Sronre— 2a, WHARF ROAD. CITY ROAD, LONDON. NUDA VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. What will Restore the HAIN OF YOUTH? Nuda Veritas—Naked y how For 25 ¥r omnes failed ry opie either’ in oases It srrests fall causes luxurian giowth, is permanent, and perfectly harm- youth ( Wholesale A sotes R. HOVENDEN & SONS. 2-33, Kerners Bt., W.; and 91-95, City Road, E,C. SULPHOLINE omits LOTION THE CURE FOR ERUPTIONS, BLOTCHES, ECZEMA, ACNE DISFIGUREMENTS. MAKES THE SKIN CLEAR, SMOOTH, SUPPLE, HeALTHY, WRIGHT S:« COAL TAR OOAP FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE COCOA “t consider it a very rich, delicious Cocos.”—W. EH. RB. STANLEY, M.D. . & H. HARRIS’S HARNESS COMPOSITION hi (Warsarncor). SADDLE PASTE (Warsnrncor) S. & H. HARRIS’S EBONITE BLACKING Boots, Shoes, Harness, and | Bick Lentnte Artie Leatner Articles. POLISHING P PASTE. wave aed G 8S. & H. HARRIS. Mantfactery: LONDON. E. LOHSE’S NAIGLOCKCHEN - PE OF ERFUME. ronetl ET SOAP sy een er 1 One insures a good night's rest. SAVAR’S CUBEB mo. 12, yin 64. CIGARETTES. 5. cosescsrssati wos oi Capsules, 4«. 64, per Kon, ——$——— LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRAOT or BEEF Signatare (as above) in Blue Ink seroes the Label on exch Jar of the Genuine Extract. USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, | 5. ~ BEST FOOD FOR INFANTS. In Tins, 14., 24., 6s. and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, convos, 4ND SOLD EVERY HOOP man OUGH, Our Ls | CRO EMBROCATION. @ffectual cure Bes a internal The ceiebra' medicine. wele Wholessie Agents, W, Kowaans & a 187, Queen Victoria sheath, Low Bo bottle. Py most Chemists. Price 4s artin New Pm om & Co., North William Btreet. *—E. Acaan, 328, Rue &t. 4 ana inierior her Din Wedd are noe being oid, Tis Onvesmat and pate ha» the name CARR'S stam: on UNE C1088 - ap in every yard. Ask « CARR'S STAMPEI LADDER WER, and see that the neme is there. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY Gontinue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. SEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF NOTH RED AND BUOWN LABALS. The ‘Acaric’ sits so sotly enthe shoul- ders and is 80 elastic that whilst Giving te every possi- bie strain, it is virtually impercepti- bie to the wearer, Special! at- tention is called alse to the little drawers. b 3 *Nrrrarky puro” The Best Present A WOMAN can give A MAN. OF ALL HUBLENA BVERYWHERE Waotse te of '5, 14,0 oN Hrartidet,lonpon, B.C... ant - oifficulty in obtals whee oe Postal Order Pdeti Dept, b PHILIP LORE Loxton ye” and @ pair rill be mailed free by retain of post EDWARD PARRISH by contract trapeferred the a Gendien Works, Edinburgh, N HAIR COO IREOLINE PERFECTLY HARMLESS. Fold by oT “+ — throughoet Agents: R. hovanDas & BONS, Lonpos. ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. “Tan Queuw ” (the Lady's Howapapery “ hesitetion in recommending bold by Grocers, lll Otlmen, &e. Manufactory—SHEFFIELD. fore no A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY ACREEABLE TO TAKE. TAMAR INDIEN FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and Intestinal Troubles, Headache, GRILLON. E. GRIEG , Qusen Street, Ost D BY OF Se CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2 ) Pyaeee- d. A BOX. of hie Sy: up to rewins & Rone, The that « number of infrrior (ahtiering: in composition, a sold as ‘s. To obtain the orig ration wid for the Inst bo years by avid Hons, neers show d as SQUIRE'S HEMICAL oot. FOOD FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. Or Acenrs, on or Patont Poor Fare oteecr reou SQUIRE & SONS, Hor Majesty's Chemists, “3, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. UMIAL. The BEST ana SA¥uOT ULBANING yt wn BLevibn Sonen, aval awarved.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jows 6, 1891.

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ilk. Satin, Geuze, Lincrusta, hee - »Cumees,

ee, Tapestry, ( ards s, Leather, , &e BENZ GOLLAS.—Try “Colas.” gee the word <EL.AS on the o Label ent Cap. refined, nearly odow he ing becom ne quite mite « osourless. BENZINE COLLAS.— Ask for “Colas” ration and take no other. ery where, 6¢., le., amd be. 64 Rott e. ureet, W. agente: . Senne & Gon *, 480. Oxford

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EN ileal “a itors. | A, PLACE, very modem er, Biertric ng Tenants, ixes, Water plication to | ‘Lp, at the on & Bows, p Waterice CRs | | June 13, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 277 VOCES POPULI. AT A MUSIC HALL, Scenz—The Auditorium of a Music Hall, the ons of which are respectable, but in no sense “ smart,” occupants of the higher-priced seats to have dropped in less for the purpose of enjoying the entertainment than of discussing their private affairs—though this does not prevent them from applaud- tng everything with generous impartiality. The Chairman. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Celebrated Character- Dacttists and Variety Artistes, the Sisters SinveRTWANG, wili appear next! They do; They have just sung a duet in an interspersed oe ** Oh aise of Nature with | evening, but having ‘Gentlemen, I am very much obliged for your kind reception this ing been lately laid up with a bad cold, and almost entirely lost my vice, and my still a little ’orse, I feel compelled oe to ask your kind acce ’ope to ee ng Ladice and a few ’ornpipe steps, after which I Gentlemen, always your obedient ’umble servant to command—FLogagie Forsamne! [ Tumultuous applause, and hornpipe. Chairman. Professor BooptEr, the renowned Imitator of Birds, will appear next! The Professor (on Stage). Ladies and Gentlemen, I shall com- mence by an attempt to five 7 an imitation of that popular and 8 — better favourite songster, the daresay, as the Throstle, or Mavis! (He gi somehow doesn’t *‘go.”) I shall next love to ear the echo celebrated and tuneful singing-bird—the Sky-lark. to some of you, I the Thrush—which your to represent that He does it, step- on the Moun-ting!” ( Tiddity-tddity -iddity-iddity-wm !) | but the Lark doesn’t quite come of), I shall next try to give you ** And to listen to the tinkle of the Foun-ting!” (Tiddity, &c.) | as White-capped Attendant (taking advantage of a pause, plain- | ; A iy to the Shelling Stalls (telling her Male Companion an interminable story with an evasive point). No, but you ’ear what I’m those two sweet singers, the man in the i on this occasion, he must not I am him, a h obtain Male F stalls with yellow ’air will represent —the gentle- be eflended, for'is ts a igh compliment 0 or) a‘) com pilmen professional joke. ma ‘anaries id acknowledgments.) I shall now conclude my illus- going to tell you, because I’m coming to it presently. I can’t trations of bird-life with my celebrated imitation of a waiter drawing remember his name at this moment—something like Bupxin, but it wasn’t that, somewhere near Bond Street, he is, or a street off there ; a Scotchman, but that doesn’t matter! (Here she breaks off to hum the Chorus of *‘ Good Ole Mother-in- Law!” which is being sung on the e.) Well, let me see—what was I telling you? Wait a minute, excuse me, oh, yes,—well, there was this picture,— mind you, it’s a lovely painting, but the frame simply nothing, not that I g | frames, myself, o course not, but fetched it down to show him—oh, I know what you’ll say, but he must know something about such things; he knew my uncle, and I can tell you what he is—he ’sa florist, and married nineteen years, and his wife ’s forty—years older than me, but I’ve scarcely spoke to her, and no children, so‘I fetched it to show him, and as soon as he set eyes on it, he says—— (Female ‘* Character- Comic” on Stage, lugubriously, ** Ri- tolderiddle, ol deray, ritolderiddle, olde-ri-ido!”’) I can’t tell you how old it is, but ’undreds of years, and Chinese, I shouldn’t wonder, but we can’t trace its ’istry—that ’s what he eaid, and if he don’t know, nobody does, for it stands to reason he must be a judge, though nothing to me,— = when I say nothi , 1 mean all I - know of him is that he used to be—— (Tenor Vocalist on . ** My Sweet- heart when a Bo-oy!”) I always like / / that song, don’t you? Well, and this is what 1 was wunt.ng to tell you, she got to know what I’d is more’n J can tell you, but she did, and she come straight in to where I was, and I ree in a minute she’d been drinking, for drink she from morning to night, but I don’t mind that, and her bonnet all on the back of her head. and her woice that ’usky, she—— (Tenor. ‘She sang a Song of Home Sweet Home—a song that reached my heart!”) And I couldn’t be expected to put up with that, you know, but; haven’t ’alf told you yet—well, &e., &c. In THE Reserved’ Sraqrs. } 4 FLoneig FoLsAMBE appears on rig oR New dresses, to-night. _ Second Ditto. Yes. (Inspects Miss F.’s ares Menthing wrong with that boy’s dress in front. though, eut too low. silver bullion it’s trimmed with? That silver stuff they put on my pantomime- dress has turned quite yellow! é First Ditto. It will sometimes. Did you know any of the critics when you were down at Slagtown for the Panto? Second Ditto. I knew the Grimeshtre Mercury, and he said most awfully rude things about me in his es I was rather rude to him of peeoneal, but we made it up afterwards. You know Lizy’s married, dear Is that | the First Ditto. What—Litry? You don’t mean it! Second Ditto. Oh, yes, she is, though. She went out to Buenos | Ayres, and the other day she was taken in to dinner by the Bishop ot the Friendly Islands. | ? Fancy! That is getting on, isn’tit? | First Ditto. A Bi Miss Foljambe (on e, acknowledging an encore). Ladies and | the cork from a bottle of 2 80; rouses the after triple re-call, ! , and drinking it afterwards. lence to frantic enthusiasm, and retires Mpeg sev * the Shilling Stalls ormance OF @ Thrilling Melodromtc Sketch). Vine nothing to say against her ’usban’, a uiet, respectable —— and always Ponted ene as a lady, with grey whis- there—and I speak : ow peg fi nd 0 as n them—weil, at was a Thursday. On the Saturday there came a knock at my door, and I answered it, and there was she, saying, as cool as you please—— (Heroine on Stage. ‘* Ah, no, no—you would not ruin me? You will not tell my husband?”) 80 I told her. “‘I’m very 7’ I says, ** but I can’t lend that frying-pan to nobody.” So I got up. Two hours after, as I was going downstairs, she come out of her room, and says,— * Allo, Rose, ’ow are yer?” as if nothing had ’a ed. “Oh, jolly,” I says, or somethink o’ that sort—J wasn’t going to take no notice of her— and she says, ‘‘ Going out ?”’ like that. I ays, - yes; nothing to stay in for,’ says, e; so Mrs, Piper, she never said nothing, and 7 didn’t sa ; and so it went on till Meniap—ae } Her ’usban’ met me in the passage ; and he said to me— -tempered and civil enough, I must i ’ good say—he said—— (Villain on Stage. *‘ Curse you! I’ve had enough of this fooling ! Give me money, or I'll twist your neck, and fling you into yonder mill-dam, to drown!”) §o 0’ course I’d no objection to that; and all she wanted, in the way of eatebles and drink, she ’ad —no, let me finish my s first. asked me to step in; and nice, and I never said a word—not wishin ell, just fancy ’er now! She says, ‘Ow are you?” and was very g to bring up the past, and —I didn’t tell you this—they’da kind of old easy chair in the room —and the only remark J made, not meaning anythink, was——- | (Hero on Stage. “* You infernal, black- | your work, isit?”) Well, I couldn’t ha’ put it more pleasant than First Professional Lady, “resting,” to Second Ditto (as Miss | that, could I? and old Mr, F scoundrel! this is ITKIN, as was settin’ on it, he says to me, he saye—— (Hero. “Courage, my eT You shall not perish if my strong arms can took an Jove beter no after ’ to as is tee plc over? you are, and I can tell you t Exit, save you. Heaven help me to rescue then my life!”) but he’s ‘alf silly, so I did that woman do, of ’im, when, w hak tenes without number—but——Oh. as I was sa oh, I'm ready to go if the rest g hom e. having thoroughly enjoyed her evening. To Rose Norreys as ‘‘ Nora.’ Dean Rosg, in your way, you’re as brimful of Art . Ruvwozse, a statue by Giaeon ; As a picture And we’ll never cut you, though we Pretty Rosz, in A Doll’s House, as don’t like your part, ]BsEN. b Yet we me et et as the hounds on the quarry’ s, & And, though Nora, delight in our Nozreys. VOL, © BB op peat le: rept hI So

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a “Nw fi Yj — : _—— ee a — [June 13, 1891. Ws 1) \\\\7/7s _di—_—_ WS \\\\ WE SN \ Fa \\\\ ‘\ \ nh LE Ww. Qe \\\\ RRR TW UA AY tg a Ss Kg | i \ \\ NY lh Gof Mf — S Y/// / ) my -_ yy) —— —— Wi \ | , 7 = oe Uf, ar | — \\\ \l | Le an —_ J \= \ \ Vv "7 | | { . - : \. SS i \} - wi OP elllty ” nN \ Ni) pe) y sss TSsst oY WSS TSS —. Sees Ss ‘Iv THIS GOES ON, HOW ABOUT MY GoLD anp Sitver!” we, TROUBLE IN TOM TIDDLER’S GROUND. British Tom Tiddler, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 278 a gre ee ea

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Jone 13, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A DAY IN THE LAW COURTS. (4 page trom the Posthumous Diary of the late Mr. Pepys.) ’ TT LL LLL LLL WEE ee AL L// | a aT RU LULL sheveaaagegyad eae a wT it ——_ a ae of quality, how they did gaze! And the dresses of the ladies ver )| fine, and did make the p which was splendid, and they tell me the largest in the building—li ee at y-house ! And the Counsel, how they did talk! Mighty droll to hear them contradict! One would have it that Black was White; which con- vineed me I had fallen into error, until another had it that he who had spoken was wrong, and White was Black! Good lack! who shall decide when Counsel differ ? and I was mightily content that I was not on the jary, although one of these ie did have the honour of asking a question of His Royal H red most courteously, at which I was greatly pleased and con- tented. Thendid I hear the witnesses. Ina mighty dread that For that which did seem plain enough when h who was in box was asked by his Counsel, (MR. PUNCH’S “ TABLEAU.” SOCIETY IN COURT.] | Whenanother questioned him. And theJury, loo Ur betimes and to the Court at the New Palace of Justice hard by | methinks, are no cleverer than any of us? The Ky — viet igh did stand gy fiend A Bi cg = Ys is al emp. Ww . BRIEFL who i wa traitors. There did I see s crow wo baggy yt ~ “ f oF and yet doeth no business. he did say that it was the strongest Bar in England. And he did tell me how Sir CoaRies was uent, and Sir Epwarmp was clever at fence, and sow Fees aster GILL was most promising. And I noticed how one fair y, who was seated on the did seem to arrange g. And many beauties there, who I did gaze upon with satisfaction. To see them in such ys eget, cad a flutter. And was pleased w | adj hed beeught sandwiches, and, bow they did est theat Chief Justice soon back more witnesses four of the clock, when the day was over. So home, and to my wife what I had seen, except the damsels.

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280 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jowe 13, 1891. LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. Billsbury, Sunday, May 2%5.—Caonxie’s dinner came off last night. The dinner-hour was seven o’clock. CHorxie’s house is in The Grove, a sort of avenue of houses shaded by trees. The | Colonel himself was magnificent. He wore a most elaborately-frilled shirt-front, with three massive jewelled studs. His waistcoat was beautifully embroidered in black with a kind of vine-leaf pattern the buttons being of silver, with the i ge embossed upon them. His handkerchief was a gorgeous one of blue silk. wore it in his waistcoat, carefully arranged, so as to show all round above the opening. It looked something like the ribbon of some | Order at a distance. Mrs. Coorxkue is rather a pleasant woman, | chiefly in hunting, &c., but with a manner which suggests that she is much trampled on by her domineering husband. How on earth she ever induced herself to marry him I can’t make out. The chief guests were Sir CHARLES and Lady Pewrotp. Sir Cuantxs’s father was a large Billsbury contractor, who made no end of money, and represented Billsbury in the House a good many years ago. He was eventually ea Baronet for his services to the Party. The present Sir doesn’t take much interest in politics, occupying himself they are people of great con- sideration in Billsbury ; in fact Lady Pzwrotp is the leader of Society in Billsbury, and not to know them is to argue your- self unknown. Sir CuaRizs himself is an Oxford man, and deal of talk place. ** Yes,” he said, ‘‘ I was at the House more than thirty years , and to tell you the | truth, it’s the only House (with | a capital H), that I ever wanted te be in.” | The fact of the matter, so JennaM told me, was that Sir Cuaznites did once want to bat scheme stand for Parliament, somehow or o fell through, and since then he’s always spoken rather bit- | terly of the House of Com- | mons. Their daughter, whom | I took in to dinner, is a ver pretty girl of nineteen, wi plenty to say for herself. She told me they were going to be in London for about three weeks in June and July, so I hope to see something of them Besides the Pewroips there were Mr. and Mrs. ToLtLanp ; Mrs. ToLLaND in a green silk dress with more gold chains wound about various parts of her person than I ever saw on any other woman. Twoofficers of Cuorx e's Volunteers were there with their wives, Major “ _——— 7? In the middle of dinner there was a fiendish row outside. I saw poor aot cease an. pale, yy SF Colonel got Bag hy , and upset ampagne as turned to say som butler Discovered afterwards that the disturbance was caused b two of the young Cuorxizs, who had got out of their bedrooms, were lying in ambush for the dishes. oppes LEVIATHAN CHORELE had carried off a dish of sweetbreads, for which Srrarrorp THoroves Cuorxie had expressed a liking. The result was, that Hosses Leviarnan got his Sead punched by Srrarrorp Tuoroven, who then rubbed his face with sweetbread. After dinner there was music, but not a whiff of tobacco. Mother comes to open the Bazaar on Wednesday. MITRED MISERY. June 6th.—Rather gratifying to find that my service to the Chureh—I don’t mean Chure rvices—have at le been nised. Just received intimation of my appointment to Bishopric o Richborough. How wild it will make my dear old friend, Canon Starport _e, to be sure! Well—I must accept it asa call, I suppose | _. July. — Had no idea made a Bishop was such an expensive business. No end of officials connected with Cathe- = all of whom Somene their ee. After spending at least £500 in this way, found there was an additional fee of a hundred guineas for ‘‘ induc- tion into the temporalities.” As there are no temporalities nowadays, this is simply ex- tortion. Remarked so to the Dean, who replied (nastily, I \ | think), ‘* Oh, it’s for the inte- ree’; of the Church not to have paupers for Prelates.” I re- torted at once, rather ably, that ‘“‘I could not conceive a better plan for bringing Pre- lates to pauperism the exaction of extortionate fees at Installation.” Dean re- lied, sneeringly, ‘‘ Oh, if you on’t value the honour, I sup- pose there’s still time for you to ba Resign, yes ; sh I get back my five six hundred pounds? Nezt Year.—Strange, how I seem to be singled out for ferment. Am to be“ trans- ted,” it seems, to diocese of Minchester. Can’t very well refuse, but really am only just getting over —_ on my a year owing to my accep ing Bishopric here. And on inquiry, find that fees at Min- or " . me chester much heavier than any- where else! Is this really a call? Certainly a call on my pocket. And my ew ss n A A as 144 Wiqupowy on efanmete, 200- ASSISTED EDUCATION BILL. -_ TS & we = think much, privately of = Dy te 7 eR ‘ _ Yc... Palace, left by my predecessor Cuorxur’s ability as a soldier, and Captain Yarman, a dapper little Stow, whose wesknens 5 is to portend t Snow lane. emest Society in on, Altogether there were twenty guests. Precisely at seven o'clock a bugle sounded on the landing outside the drawing-room to announce dinner. Everything in the Corie family is done by bugle- calle, They have reveillé at 7 am., the sergeants’ call for the servants’ dinner, and lights out at eleven o'clock i soon as the cali was finished, CuorxLz went up to y LD. ‘Shall we march, Lady Pewrotp?” he said. “ Sir Onanues will bring up the rear with Mrs. C.” And thus we went down-stairs. The dinner was a most trem and wonderful entertainment, and must have lasted two hours, at the very least. soupe, three fishes, dozens of entrées, three or four jointe—the mere memory of it is indigestive. The talk local matters, the chief subject of diseussion being the Foxhounds. The present Master is not going as he is a very old man, and to take them, but he hangs tion, I faney. body seems te want back. Difficulties about in a perfectly shocking state of disrepair! _ : Sine worst apprehensions were realised! Fee for Consecra- tion Auge! Fee for Installation, monstrous! Fee for Investitare, s perfect swindle! Isn't there a song beginning “* Promotion is vexation, Translation is as bad?” Translation is worse! Shall really have to consider whether there would be caging weaghegs in negotiating a little loan, or effecting a mortgage on the Ps Year Later.— Have been offered vacant Archbishopric! No, thanks! Late Archbishop almost swamped by the fees, and he was arich man. I am a poor man—thanks to recent preferments —and can't afford it. Am Archbishop in the Bankruptcy Court would not look well. ‘His Grace attributed his position to expenses connected with the various Installation ceremonies, and offered a composition of one-and-sixp ence in the pound, which was unanimously declined by —~ — When will they do away with gate-money in the ur Some sacanis were the other day puzzling convenient and familiar word for the illumination electric spark. Surely it is Rdisunlight. their heads to find a ion produced by the

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the “ | of AeBTETSe et ants Pe "OGrerSRP: | Bicoaehln: aw ——a Ft re ee ee eS Juxe 13, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 281 “ BEROOFEN ! ” Yot, "ts marvellous ih, Hep, t_T'll go no further!” Sin ee Re ene ore oe ery cast have never never | Pethaps there will be vinitien ther 08) sf @ lin been better in my Yhife! Why, dear me, it t quite a year since I Donna Infiaonse who One of Owr Alas! ~_—_e it is La rita mark Sn Or en) a mig a et of Bm a si wasn peo eeceatacear dames | Ses and ark aia ble as heat bss, but at Moral.—Be quite sure u're out t of the wood, though maybe even then don’t congratulate yourself. ‘ommery”’ also by the way, not for- being exce — ty ee for the E idemic), as And, her, the Baron drank off a bumper of P i > : : getting ‘* Greno,” all vere and foug : pypunly ° oy “ his repping the lable to your state of health, and don’t forget the eroofen!” when not at dinner,—and murmuri * Beroofen!” d so he reaps 31 . Beroofen os ore aol lips : the champagne did ; SUMMER! Porefn, . . (Sketched, eet Gas fy 4 Bafew Garfren.) “Ugh !—I feel so sh pont lived 7. U 1—so chilly. Here! et > ivery , Ugh aa y re! | Damp Chit nahi; Raves drops dropping, pp el I oe |, Sasks, splash, execute his commands. Grey skies, { "ta —' Had they not done s0,/ Sodden earth; Gutters, squirts ; they themselyes might| Butterflies Lim curls, have suffered the fate in-| ‘Weak at birth; Bylashed noe tended for the commands, | G]oom over, P. girls, rapidly executed. Soaked clover. Piled , “Yon’ye got ’em,” Wied” toandee :! Achi ae w in pot P- Rosson Roosrsm| Squelch, squash ; Slugetah 1i livers ; “ 1” ham yet, Morn oruel, ac tet * again ackintosh ; Eve a biter ; Baron, surprised, n soos Lawns afloat, Hot gruel, are had ’em Paths dirt ; Sweet nitre ; 0: sy ell Top-coat, Voice a creaky mid |e ie acs ‘ ace the Baron, and sank down| J aburnums pallid ; Levivenza |! I] into his chair. It/ Spirits quenched, Gloom growing, was an awful tohave| ‘Souls squalid ; Glam, glummer Phenomena. It might | Tennis “ off,” Noses (and nothing have been the measles in| Jey breeze ; else) blow - § Greek, = Anything but | Croak, cough, z. ing — Bat. Anything but that!| Wheeze, sneeze ; Ww -out roses ; That's Summer ! ‘ phenomena” is not ” , ” Gresk for ren porkege Pieneenen milebé be Gousk for “‘one measle at th would be singular, very singular. wf 2 tap ” continued the pane eaten pol ** No—no— * z i BE rf be Worden be taped a ili chon, Sunde he smacked him, insisted gb out ‘* Ninety-nine,” in various like a duet to the old words, without much “hm piedeion, I’m ninety-nine!” the remainder of which the Baron had never heard, even in his liest childhood and, at its —— i Dr. Marx Taptey, as the Baron declared he must henceforth be there was nothing for it but to make the Baron a own castle, where he would have to live up to , as if he were to be shown, a few i F i 4 ES bP is ct a i (i é 2 OPERATIC NOTES. Wr’ an antes the gay Frenchmen now at the Italian Opera: Fuust in French, Manon in French, Roméo et Juliette in , atl Le Prophete in French ; American singers, and Dutch singers —for if Mr. Va» Dycx isn't as much a Double Dutchman as VANDERDECKEN or the | 22y, other Van, except Picxrorp & Co.’s, then am I myself rn Datch native—and, @ the way, I’m always equal to a dozen of ’em any time d Oe Nee a ee eee —y for ty & long day and night show & t Garden. Miss —— payee = | Reszxt, Vaw Dror Ma: the we VOGLI gir specially TULIA, as tuneful ito; Maunet, the cultured artist; Sisyi Sanpersow, the simple child of Natare : Acyes Ts with more sance Hollandaise ; ei marvellous MRavina ae Diamond Queens and Society all on view. R Wednesday’ Skate in his on one. i macnn Opera. Won't do to Sarin in ramped kaa pat neuing Seathe feathers, hens after Court eat So WE a thove present trying to look as i had been invited to State Bail, but didn’t care about going, or "t go, on account of — family affliction. How- ever, as Devriotanvs is reported to have appeared in full fig at State Ball, he couldn’t others less interested in the perform- ense Shap Mimnesit to out Court and come to the Opera. To-night, Piancon as Mephistopheles, a demon than Brother Se but un bom diable tout de méme. Friday Night.—Notable for excellent performance of Rigoletto, or The Little e and The vrte Fespectvely personified by Sos Ravertt and Grows Ravoott “Eh” 6 ior such a Quite * R’s Poetica,” a penn ead nay Py ront are pleased as they to be, then Davrtotanvus and guar, Pw a County, but the Covent Garden Council—are satisfied. Cur for the French Queen, “ with a song a ae 3 Eten ; sn ies Pama iy ~y gy LR.H’s RN en 8! nae 2 AC i ag

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jowe 13, 1891. Fair American Bride. ‘' Oa, Joun ! (a yi * shed 2s a, { HONEY-MOONING IN ITALY. Bort, say, Matrmpa, I Guess we ’p BETTER LET Byoonrs az Byoonrs, To THINK THAT PERHAPS VIRGINIUS STABBED HIS DiUGHTER ON THIS VERY Spot, AND THAT gcse OVER TaeRe TULLIA DROVE OVER HER POOR FATHER’S DEAD BODY!” John, ‘‘ AH—VERY 8AD—VERY SAD, INDEED ! LET 's GO AND HaVE A LOOK AT THE New Post-Orrice.” AND Now THE ALARMED AUTOCRAT! “ The Czar declared that he was determined to continue resolutely to the end the policy upon which he had entered, with a view to the solution of the Jewish difficulty, adding that it was the Jews themselves who had forced that policy upon him by their conduct . . . ‘Down tothe present time’ (His Majesty remarked), ‘there has never been a single Nihilistic plot ia which Jews have not been concerned.’’’— The Times’ Correspondent at Moscow. Tax Great White Czan he has put down his foot ; On the neck of the Hebrew that foot he will plant. Can fear strike a C. xsan—a Russian to boot ? a Romanorr stoop to mere cowardly cant ? Forbid it traditions of Muscovite pride ! An Autocrat's place is the Conqueror’s car Bat be who that chariot in triumph would ride, ae earn a name as the White-livered zak! No, no, scurril scribe, dip your pen in rose- pink, Or “ Censor’s black blurrshall your slander efface A Cesar turn sophist, an Autocrat shrink ? P imous spite mark the Romanorr race ? Too wholly absurd! What is this we have heard Which ca courtier spirits must painfully jar Who is he, this mal @ propos “‘ little bird”’ Who twitters such tales of the White- livered Czar ? The Wolf and the Lamb? We all know that old wa, But the Wolf, though a tyrant, was scarcely a cur. He t ullied and lied, but he didn’t turn pale, Bat a big, brresponsible, “fatherly” Princ at a big, irresponsi ** fatherly ” Prince Afeared—of a Jew? Tis too funny by far! The coldest of King-scorning cynics might wince At that comic conception, a White-livered Czar! No; Russia is heaven, the Czae is a saint And the poor ‘‘ Ebrew Jew” is a trouble- some pest ; But ts he the thing to make C maz go faint, Or disturb an Imperial Autocrat’s rest ? The Jew ’s all to blame—as a matter of course ; The weak and the weary invariably are ; But weakness on power harsh t: y force ? That ’s an argument y a White- livered Czan. a Israelite meshed in ¢ Nihilist vs P sa pitiful picture. Ungrateful indec Russian Jew, not content with Ais Is the As a slave to the Slay. But expel the whole breed ? Apply that same rule to your subjects all And one fancies you ’!I find it too sweeping by far. The vast —_ of Muscovy then might be oun A a «ral for the White-livered ZAR. The pick of your people, the best of your blood, P Your purest of women, your bravest of men, O Cz to they not, in despair’s dusky mood, Turned Nihilist, plotted, been banished ? What then ? [Jew ; Best banish them all, as you’d banish the ’T will sweep your dominions more clear than red war. (you, Picture Russia a waste with one resident— Perched high—and alone—as the White- livered Czar! Ste they malign you. It cannot be sooth t you talk like an angry illogical girl. Yes, banish the Hebrews, as wholly as ruth Be cold = your wrath as the Neva’s chill swirl, Saoub friendly remonstrance, blunt satire’s keen blade. With a blot of black ink! Will it carry you far? A C34R must not be a fool or afraid ; There ’s no in ’s round for a White-livered Czar! Sap Fortsn.—We see ad ** George Meredith, A Study. By Hannan Lrncu.” Poor Grorcz! ‘Taken from life,” of course. There’s an end of him! Lynch’d!

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ol | HE FRIGHTENS ME!” AME és WAM, | tt JIE by: a 4 THE ALARMED AUTOCRAT! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—June 13, 1891. Czarz or Att THE Roseras. “‘ TAKE HIM AWAY !—TAKE HIM AWAY!

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June 13, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Messrs, R. Oseoop & Co. in advertising Miss Sanan Oaux Jawerr's | book, Strangers and ic % ty Re an extract from one of Mr. | | “TI remember once at a dinner of the Royal Academy, wishin there might | ‘in English. be a toast in honour of the Little Masters, such as TannieL, Roussei. Low's and their fellows.” — He “ wished ”’ i, bat wes tho atch a silent ona, of 2d % Gnd on. | ression in a speech? No matter: there are the 0 ate the Middle-Aged Masters; there these ano Gio wit scom to Mr. Rossi. Lows, term at all. v2 the isthe | the of Art, not admitted to May they come | mentioned a e day. Well, | iin seanamant” atk oung there on tle Masters re Masters,” like chi dinner, who come in but in for their just deserts, as ws tis Lomelieimatog of mer, we wuld bn he Lauer whit and rain-drenched t *‘ Not a bit, Miss,” returned the semi “‘And who are you, rade man eS tate belong to. very despair some epirit. the best f and, liks Sir Fases. nick the President, “BP. 7; not not “‘ British py 5d but “ Brush and Pencil,” could be rr to be en- titled fully Masters of the Black and White Art.” F vu Mavis, | o to then te kn 8 Ge far when the man who had already spoken to ou—turn pa first pay me,” and then he E. fale. haired girl, pointing to the aay Cones ene. ie doubt they will som i)| GRIEVANCES “(STAN)-HOPE TOLD A FLATTERING TALE.” Mr, Punch (to War Secretary), ‘‘ VERY WELL ON ACCOUNT ; BUT WHEN I8 HE TO HAVE HIs Rewanp IN Fo, LIKE HIS 5 Beornzns OF THE Compatawt Bravos ” ack orbit by a with Go couch t ‘or the sake of | content it is the objection that my is inimitable. a" pier 4S that a suit is ¢ proper gar a lounge on the Piazz ae ee en ae THE TYRANTS OF THE STRAND! (Fragment from a Romance, Founded upon a Modern Strike.) Ir was a dark and storm The wind how Fe Bet po se ast tebe, They must seek for help from another Sudden} +, ke ed travellers entered of refuge. But they vage, with a hideous grin for hy - luckin rf a asked, pluc 6 up ““Much the same EP Sagene me with at what dering to be a straw-strewn cabin. plied is called, — “1 e - antly, “the "Pirate On hearing despairing ory, and fainted ! THE TRAVELLER'S FRIEND (A Hint for the coming i Holidays.) Dear Ma. Poncn,— As we are within measurable distance of the time when every- - will A em going a per- earyes will allow me make a yr a. A o doubt you will have observed according to the t of the Times, recounting the “recent railway out- rage in Turkey,” the Brigands ‘‘chose five of the most opulent- " looking of their vic- iin at the Royal Aca- | Gans, endl ted Oars Gah hte ee hd Gan eee” Iam Mr, Gorex | not surprised at this occurrence, for something the same sort once happened to me. Iam very well todo, and I am fond of what I believe called “* I do not care to be encumbered ahah Uieiatandetkomes ol on cont makes to my personal appear-

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Teal mm ict {June 13, 1891, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “ANSWVYNUNOL AYVLIIIN WwOILlOd Vv 286

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Jose 13, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE BUSMEN’S 7 agua & 4 Freee 5 F if iH pelea iH ; ii F 5 " | j : Fi : Li i cet r eee SFEEERFEREE ; E E if A EB F : j ih E : ; ‘ eS a i BE iE g : iH E i 4 ait cf | iE igh ite Hf i e S ise] » Action which may avert Fate! , Yell triumphal, the men win the day. —“* Zounds!” which is all Direstors. can say. Dna Et teeta ab itan a tetoe

BENDIGO, [A Monument to Benp1G0, the famous prize-fighter, has been lately erected at Nottingham.) Old Prize-fighter soliloquises : ~ Ir ever to the ‘‘ Pelican” alone or with a friend I fo I aa men of muscle who could fight a Sent like ENDIGO. He didn’t fight in feather-beds, or spend But ones Bes his man, and battered him, or He dido't dealin gas, or waste his time in mere retort ai But —~ the lh I a ” are interviewed, and journalists will, brutality or bravery, A man ma a it what he I’d rather have the prize-ring back than than give a purse to "em ; yore (in y naves fi or points, the audience shouts and wrangles = thet er rene I’m off to take \~ at to m I like ~ Man nice modern men and modern ttn To drop a last regretful tear o’er poor departed Bznpico. oy in is fenan’ 8

GENTLE SARCASM. ‘ Yeestrn ; I cits ‘Ome yrom My LasT JounNEY AT MIDNIGHT,—AN’ THEN 1 'aS THE Rest OF THE Haventn’ TO Mrsatr/”

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. pr pecan egtecipa Eager M.P. House of Some om 1, foe om | of Commons, as usual at this time of 5 Sa ay ce eae Sy y CE g_everyone insists rorogation | sl ake pao at nd of Dificult to see how even b most management that can be accomplished. A from Educa- ton ‘Bil, ear my Bye ty ge PR auaeas'on y. Every moment precious; every wg 2 f: od ge ony i d vi of a in and vigour of new wail, Houws Glas on seat dealing with pi in Bristol Channel. ake 5 ae Demeens See Saat it gh ty AE i empties ; ivisi through all the rooms and corridors. How isa man| dr; i vote wees the quate Sees Seams & Tae Provisional Orders No. 1 Bi now read a Second Time? Ss'eqerell to vetn; as 2h sump Sp quamgeeitenipne an Pisidann: ally. i this ase, Micuunt Bom, as one of Members fo ortunatel in this case, Micuazt Bracu, as one of Mem part in Debate and Division. As useful this as traveller at four cross-roads. Conservatives and Bar keep their eye on President of Board of way he would Conservatives, all the Lil f him Conservatives, all the coun!

Bristol had special interest in the Bill. In addition to Micnaxt Beacu’s support, Weston on Liberal aie Hitt on Conservative Benches, su ed Second Reading. leaking pom —_ differences, Member for East Bristol, and Member Ps Son! plan of cam eres <= said Colonel H111,, who, having obtained his mili- ite of commercial shipping, is a master es thep curt lear 2 peed you say, py Bm rama i my gent will oar af them as if « stout X Easter were blowing through eh ee) deployed in open order. Tactics succeeded bir Josspa Weston, a mild, alder- manic person, ccated hel from quarter behind Front Opposi tion Bench, an all appearances, delivered an admirable His lips moved, his right band hand marked the rhythm of his ordered speech; now his eyes flashed in repro anon Bat nota sound, save a soft murmur, as of distant oyees wee Basar pnd was heard, L’ Enfant Prodigue wasn’t in When the movement stopped, and the Alderman was discovered to be sitting down, the martial-nautical Hit sprang up from Bench on other side, and the stillness was a rasping voice, that whe Dicxy Tempre out of his cleverly conceived, was admirably to diversified talent of its Members, got its e pity that an hour and « half of precious public time st out" Ba Tama, a Business done.—Irish Land Bill in report stage. ering for exhaust whilst Ts broken by early slumber." The Bristol, ill, Only it seemed inci- Tuesday.— House of Lords the scene of a thrilling pe ee rms meets for business at half-past four. oble Lords opportunity for labours, eablie business does not commence

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288 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. {Juws 13, 1891, Punetually at “that hour, a solitary pedestrian might have been observed walking up the fl floor of the historic Chamber. A flowing gown hid, without entirely concealing, his graceful figare ; a full-bottomed wig crowned his stately head, as the everlasting snows veil the lofty heights of the Himalayas. He er ap Nae —+~ to the t hand nor to the left, but with swin ing stride strode aly ,- end of me Chamber stood the e of Tarlend. on roe in days gone , Harncovrr’s Plantagenet sot fathers sat, and inw some day— - 1o knows ?—the portly frame of him who now ---*. bears the humble title, Sevrre oF MaLwoop, may recline. But that is another story. The gowuss-end-winget § figure ob- served walking up the floor of the House of Lords at half five on a June evening, wae st making Ser GoShecne. ‘ore that piece of furniture stood a oan, Bape something like the i room, It was the Wool- “ Accommodated with a Seat.”’ whilst from the Gallery, J... he had been accommodated with a seat, the smiling mobile face of Mr. Justice Day peered forth. He had just looked in on his way home from the Courts, interested in a scene where some day he may take his place as Brother BraMwsx1 and Brother Co-errpe® have done. The keen eyes of the great Lonp Cuancezor flashed round the chilling scene. Clerk at the table mumbled something about Provisional Orders. ** Those that are of that opinion say ‘ Conten ’” observed the Lonp Cuancettor. “Contrary, * Not Content ;’ This House will now adjourn.” Then uprose the Loxpy Hien Cuancettor, and with the same | stately swinging step, moved towards the doorway, with the Purse-bearer, the Mace- bearer, and Black Rod in his train. It was twenty-five minutes to Six; full five minutes had elapsed since the House of Lords met. Now House of Lords had ad- ew say and the throbbing pulses of an mpwe on which the sun never sets beat with steadier motion, knowing that all was well. Business done.—House of Lords adjourned. Thursday.— Rather “Fag scene inst now between Paivce Arruur and the Squier of, Matwoop., . Rosse. proposed new Clawes on Irish Land Bill, which provided for reinstatement of evicted tenants ; received with general applause, and finally agreed to. In the midst of general congratulations and . shaking hands, the Squire bound in, and with many back-handed slaps at the Government, added his ap- proval to the general chorus. The Ministry were hopeless! bad, but =, — =a proposed b supperter ot theirs, was "moderately good., ‘Singular thing,” Prince ARTHUR, in we assatine tone, as if he were tleman can never interfere in debate, Balfour, Q.C, Contents have it. | talking to himself, “that the Right Hon. Gen- far removed the | What? “That,” said Batroug, Q.C., who chanced to be on the Front 0 ition Bench, **is a strikin example of themi under w acute minds occasi y labour. I have my Right Hon. friend for many years; we + pry on this Bench Opposition, and have worked in the same = 4 and I confess it is a little shocking to me to hear him accused of tendency to enter upon controve topics. Iam myrelfa man of peace, and do not y assume an attitude of reproof; but, as Mr. Henny ArTHvur Witson said when he stood over the improvised Baccarat-table with a piece of chalk in his hand, the line must be drawn somewhere, and I am inclined to rule it at the place where my friend Haxcovrt is accused of y and designedly thing the Parli peace.” Business done,—Still on the Land Bill. Friday Night.—Still grinding away at the report stage of Land Bill; don’t get any forrader; been at tite a week, and to-night just as many Amendments on the paver as there were on poet og By All night u a single new Clause. Even Wurpnae very DW c= AK ys oe such a me ‘ie as usual; the debate lastin only one Motion before the a roughoat (with ith the Bruaxan Chair) could speak only once; that he did, at But a poor consolation for lost opportunity. Congratulated the suffering Spzaxxr on this accident ; Coins out to him things were bad enough ; but might be worse. **T suppose, Tony,” he said, “‘ you never read Paton? Haven't looked him up for many years; but, sitting here through this week, there is one couplet—from Solomon, k—ever running »| through my mind :— ‘ ABRA was ready ere I called her name ; And, though I call’d another, Apra came.’ Just like Sexton.” Business done.—One Clause added to Land Bill. “GREY APES OF AGE.” ** Grey hair is fashionable for the’ oes.” Says a Mode oracle acknowledged truthful. Strange that Society should have a rage For that anomaly—artificial Age | Dust on their heads cur pretty women toss, Just to deprive it of its pristine gloss. Make ashen-white your eyebrows, there, and lashes, Precocious hags! The world’s but dust and ashes, Wrinkles and crowsfeet next must have their tarn (To limn them in let toilette artists learn), Then make each belle bald, scraggy-necked and toothless, Grey hair alone won’t make Societ youthless, Let ‘elles turn beldams if they find it jolly Bat they might be consistent in their folly | MosicaL, THEATRICAL, AND Jupictat.—The Daily Telegraph, quoting from the Middlesex County Times, last Saturday, stated that, “‘ The Lonp Cuancettor had added the name ‘of Mr. W. 8S. Gupert, Poet and Dramatit, to the Commission of the Peace for the County of Middlesex.” "So is it said that another “'W.8.,” one WittuaM SHAkePeaRE—who, y An. the way, also had a Griert in the family—was, in his latter s, made a J.P.” Mr. Wirii1a™ Suaxspeare Grieert—if he kindly allow us so to style him, as aging the qualities of poet and dramatist—should receive a special and peculiar title. Let him, then, be henceforth known as ‘* The Poetic Justice of the Piece.” THE “HIRED PRIEST.” (Mr. GLapstows says, “ If the priest is to live, he must beg, earn, or steal.” } Now, here ’s a needy Vicar; who will hire him? He can preach, Can confute a host of infidels and crush mat with a text. If a Sunday school is started, he’s the wh to teach, If you snub him he may hate it, path il cover po he’s vexed. He can spend his days in visiting the aiees and the slums, And support his own existence, and his family’s, on crumbs. Come, come, Sir, you are gonapous. What! eighty pounds a year? It’s a fortune for a Vicar ; I am sure he won't refuse. Why it’s sixteen hundred shillin he will take it, never fear ; For though priests are scarcely yet they can’t afford to He hasn’t got a single vice; I’ll guarantee him sound, (choose. And he’ll make a crown go farther than an ordinary pound. And here we have a Bishop ; we don’t do things by halves ; He = pequaess 9 seuane 2 , he is sturdy, stout and You can have him as he stands, Sir, with is gaiters and hie calves; Five thousand hires the Bi apron, appetite and all. You much prefer the icar with his collar and his tie ? subject may be from the arena of Party Politics, without forthwith | And you'd rather pay him extra? Here’s your health, Sir ;; 80 dragging it into the arena.” wouid I. ee (> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. To this rale 1 se

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Poa SPER SEhre kk put n’t ek, ing PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jowsz 13, 1891. THE SEAR “CUP o Perfect of on Dae Be of the H of ou W Batire a PEASE, SON & c0., ‘LEITH English "Addresses, LON UON ont SCOTLAND, Established 1808. (Please mention “ Punch” when @éering.) Carriage paid on orders of One Dozen and upwards. ASK FOR AND DRINK ONLY GREERS’ O. VV. M. OLD VATTED HIGHLAND WHISKY. (Im Bquare Botties.) At 45s. per Dozen Case, poms ot the ry: Bistieed py Legh | * Me na 4 ir e perfection ee Ae neoteh Whisky. fod at HARROD'S, BROMPTON ahh LONDON, 8.W., and all 1. leading Stores in Wholesale Offices, 69, “yaar LANE, 2.6. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, 1604 25a. the Gall ; 60a, the Doz. Canttsot Para, Casm Onc. A single bottle, as a sample, will be ant free wany address on receipt of P.O. tor 4s. #4, RICHD. MATHEWS & C0., 24 and 25, Hart St., Bloomsbury, W.C. Sold by a | Lespise Seoepeae necaghons Inpia and the Cotonres Oe OBAS. CAMERON, M._D., "SSTAR BLISHED — — NEAVE’ Ss. De. BARTLETT, Pa.D., F.C8.. om To INTANTS, “FOO ma efi See Beat rang eomettaente ae fr above tha UAM-VAR WHISKY, -| THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE, USED IN THE PALACE AND THE SHISLING. THE BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards, Recommended by the Medical Paeulty. INNES & GRIEVE, EDINBULGH and LONDOR, THE “CHAMPION” HAND ICE MACHINE HAS BEEN GREATLY IMPROVED THIS SEASON, AND THE OUTPUT 1S NEARLY DOUBLED, DURE ICE MOMENTS NOTICE | Always ready for ave, Will Ice Water and Wines for the Table, make Ice Cream, and Bloen-ice, &e Bend for list FT from Bole Liceusees, PULSOMETER ENGINEERING Co.,Ld., NINE ELMS IRON WORKS, LUNVON, 8.W. Machines rhown at 6}, Queen Victoria Street, EC a. Pe ae mss ——_ OLD IRISH WHISKY. CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY, Limited, Head Offices: MORRISON'S ISLAND, CORK. 1. EXSHAW & 60.’S FINEST OLD BRANDY. poe eee, See im ported Ww Seaskenes & Go., 03, Regent ont Street, W. “ Quod ab Omnibus Quod Ubigque.” A pollinaris “THE QUEEN oF TABLE WATERS,” “ The best beverage.” TRUTH. NOTICE.—ESPECIALLY To LADIES. ALFRED WEBB MILES 4 COMPANY, 12, 10, and 6, BROOK sTREET, HANOV En SQUARK, LONDON, W., Raving empietes _capaaye additions to their beg to thé opening of a NEW EPARTMENT for he suppiy of JUVENILE CLOTHING. A select variety of fashionabl: attire suitable for boys from four years of age, consisting or Suite, Seotch ickerboeker ‘ t newest strh-, Ww it be slwa sys kept im stock voasy for immediate use at moderate prices for cash pay ments. Telegrs phic address, \ sen Mites. London Telephone 1929. ‘lose st 2 Fm. on Saturdays. CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES. Pascoe Lisrs sent reer. 128, QUEEN VICIORIA STREET, E.C.; 68, ST. JAMES'S STREET, Pall Mall, London, Gold Medais, Diplomas, and Highest Awards wherever exhibited, for Absolute Purity, Guperiority of Manufacture, and True Fiavour. ARMOUR’S EXTRACT OF BEEF Retains the True Natural Taste and Stimulating Properties of Freshly-Cooked Beef. Por HEALTH. lor PLEASUR&. BUSINESS, “SWIFT” AND “CLUB” CcYc Over 90 Years the ordca—15 & 16, Eoltera Viaduct. Minchester— 9, Gt. Mary's Gate. ints Fass. COVENTRY MACHINISTS’ 00., LIM, Ladies, write at once to the DARLINGTON MILLS POR THE WEW SUMNER PATTERNS oF HENRY PEASE & 00.8 SUCCESSORS’ World-renowned GROSS-WARP SERGES Sent POST FREE on Approval. HY, PEASE a 00.'8 ; SUCCESSORS, The Mills, Darlington. London Sale Room maerrd RBORNT sTRERT. (Over JBPP's the Forriers.) ew TT RANSOMES’ LAWN MOWERS THE BEST in the WORLD. “New Automaton " «Oma Avromaron,” “New Panu,” “ Wontp,” and Honee-lo*re” Mowent, in ell sizes to sult every requirement. Ail Mech nes sent on « Senth's Sree Tria) and Carris age Vals. Supplied all Ironmongers. “Port se 70 SAVE THE TEETH, USE DAILT THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER Beautifics and Preserves the Tecra. Iwparts a Sweet Fragrance to the Kaesea, le Cooling ond Kefreshing te the Moora. And takes away emell of Tosacce, N.B.—The success of this the Grst liquid Dentifrics made in Mnyland hae led A. 4 many tmseniove lenttateone, it is ‘or pure . & C."s stenature on each neue le. 6d, Se, Ot, Ge, OA, ad oof Chemists ond Stores, or sent, post . HOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL >_ TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. SCRUBB'S (, Seedy |) AMMONIA, eerte yy PREPARATION. Refreshing, @ a Turkish Bath, Invaluable for Toilet purposes. Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. Removes Stains and Grease Spots from Clothing, &c, Restores the Colour to Carpets. Cleans Plate and Jewellery. 1s. bottle for six to ten baths. Of all Grocers, Chemists, &c. 8.2. SCRUBB & Co., 15 Red Cross &t., FEED YOUR CHII DRE) DE RIDGES S. PATENT COOKED ! -|25, CONDUIT RANSOMES, sue b IEPPERES, LA, ane. PRIZES ~~ SS DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS ULSTERS. ST., W. ICE CREAM IN 30 SECONDS. —— 100 per cent. saved in ice and Labour by using the “JACK FROST” ICE CREAM FREEZER, BUITARLE FOR FAMILIES, RESTAUKANTS, FAIKS, &e HOTEIA, From all Ironmongers. or at the Wholesale Agent, J. G. sp kIMPTON & CO., RICAN MERCHANTS, VICTORIA st. LIVERPOOL. GREATER COMFORT “Fo mexe Crormen Waite and not to injure the Mort delicate laces. completing a peep wash in half-a-day, use “ SUNLIGHT BOAP Wen Srancnine, jour linen will be giovsler and more justrous and you will ind your iron wil! ae ert i ou pa oones plece of * BUNLIGAT soar” starch UNLIGHT SOAP monn COMPETITIONS. value over £6,000. TERS COMPETITIONS will be CONTINUED ZACH MONTE 6: 1891, There is Secement oi shente ia | e-e competitions, the wen: & prize depending entirely on the perseverance and trouble taken to collect the wra) pers, &e WRAPPERS CARD BOX COMPETITION. COMPETITION. i AL 0 b Bye 3) 4} lest to oft toes 17 Laat oo pave ace mowrn: rain Phisee 8108 BORTH “allnige ” Waicion Lever ra | hens "| HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH, a temperatears viret v7, mc peeerastr ts mn Yo heath have recently me piections “he pea and 4 the o8 vo od eapenes e “oe the eat Hygiente sone ape gee nOeT COMPLETS I8 Ls et “rem wy latters ) the M ) Pve ae dd on and every BEDFORD HAYMAKERS. Wee ed

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Jons 13, 1891. The Lonest snys GOLD MEDAL, Health Exhibition, London 5 HIGHEST AWARD, Adelaide, 1887. EXTRACT FROM —“"Would be as ae wy similated with ee on = great ease.” to *yeunges The London Medi- cha om atx eal Record anys :-— Sector's directions’ | “It te retained say ite elect to mar when all other could Sper ber foods are re te taking jected. BETAIL IN TINS, 1s. €4., 28. (4, Gs., and 1Cs., of Chemists, ac, crorywhers, WHOLESALE OF ALL WHOLESALE HOUSES. tol pela | “DRINK, PUPPY, DRINK!” 4 Study from Life. The Water Trough represented is one of those supplied by the Proprietors of Hudson's Soap to Shopkeepers, with a request that they may be placed on the pavement during the Summer Months, for Thirsty Dogs. | “ The Laxury of Pure Sweet Linen.” The Family Wash of a large or small Household can be quickly done with ease and economy by using HUDSON’S EXTRACT OF SOAP. Hudson's makes clothes white as snow; sweet as roses; fresh as sea-breezes. HUDSON'S EXTRACT OF SOAP is a perfect hard-water soap, a cold-water s0ap, & soft-water soap, a hot-water soap. Dirt cannot exist where HUDSON’S SOAP is used for all Domestic Washing, C leaning, and Scourin Home, Sweet Home! The Sweetest, Healthiest Homes are those where HUDSON’S EXTRACT or SOAP is in daily use. Sold in 4-Ib. packets, in dozens and hal ‘dozens, for family use. 4 : ; { . = OSLER’S | Appointment | ELECTRIC LIGHTING Eighes For Priwate Houses. ath ESTIMATES FREE OF CHARGE ef : . | _ tide ~akhior le &E Aree - Stes oe dX» ¢ [= : Wale. 100, 0X FORD STREET, | LONDON, W, eaatnetsey : BIRMINGHAM (Established 1807). CADBURY'S. COCOAs8ABSOLUTELY PURE, Ta BEST **The name Cadbury on any packet of Cocoa or Chocolate is a guarantee of baths tee Annual, Frinted py W liam Stuart smith. of 8 B Loraine Had. Ho Parish of 8t. M , , & On, Limited, rT cud, Holloway, tm the ary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing , Agnew Lombard bireet, Ln (ity of London, and Published » Uy Man Sa Ba. to, Thovt Utceet, in the Parish of BL betae’ tty of Landen -Garwanas, Sane i ie Boiimt+~trnroawenrn Ccwrenow @8@awsecnaom «az we

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pith a RACT OF cold-water eot Home! ‘amily use. —e PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. “ Refined humour never had a more sumptuous setting.” —GLascow HERALD. “ This Volume may be described as the beau idéal of a ‘ drawing- room book.’ Sweetness and light may be written more happily of du Maurier than of Matthew Arnold. We thank him for these Soaety Pictures By GEO. du MAURIER. of his. To us they are highly entertaining and instructive, but to the twentieth VoLuUuUMmM = century historian of the Victorian age they will also te of inexhaustible interest Price 12/- and inestimable value.” —DatLy CHRONICLE. er rey ny ise bi ts p* ® N° 2606. VOLUME j; x Se ee a SD TST w IS ey PTCA MTS. es UN beenateemesnstnnn naan y ee s eav Sa ~~ hd ae ay i | lity |! liye Us g =) ; +f L ise 4) a Aras. ul " PUNCH OFFICE, 85, oe STREET. “ AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, ABSOLUTELY [Cad 3 rys oes girs “BONSd SSUHL 301Ud

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GIPSY TENTS, AND HOW TO USE THEM. A Handbook for Amateur Gipeies. by G. BR. LOWNDES. Profusely I\lustrated, price 2s. 64. ; by post, Se 06. Honscelos Tee +! Oe, bream’'s Bull dings, THE STANDARD

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HEA TH For PLEASU we y- BUSINESS “SWIFT” AND “CLUB” CYCLES. Over 20 Years the Leading Machines cute —165 & 16, Holders Viaduct. Manchester — 9, St. Mary's Gate. Works— Coventry.

Loers Fass. COVENTRY MACHINISTS’ OO., LIM, C. BRANDAUER & CO.’S CIRCULAR POINTED ze DENS Ne t pe rinte being “rounded by & BOW process. Seven } C.BRANDAUERSCY RCULAR Cromer ENS Medals awarded. Attention is aiso drawn to their » “ Graduated heries of Pens,” one pattern being made im 4 degrees { fexibility, and each in 3 widths of —- Assorted Sample Kon of either series, 64., or by st for 7 stamps from the Works, Biamiwoman.

me se

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nth Oul- dere = 5 Special! at- elastic tention is that whilst called also giving te to the little every possi- — Fm > Die strain, it is «virtually impercepti- bie to the wearer drawers, ' The Best Precent A WOMAN can giro A MAM. OF ALL HOSIERS EVERYWHERE W woceeate on 16 LT —— "ee ouses if any Citeatty im obtainiog, 53 pos Order (Be or Pull Duets epartment, Central I rHittr Lane. i LONDON. B.C., and « pair Sbanalied thus by shure af pase WRIGHT Ss: COAL".

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jouwz 20, 1891.

FIRST—AND—FOREMOST. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR. NOTE, — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 1856; not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has now an equal claim to the public confidence.

MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daity Gonsumption, 50 Tous. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. SAMUEL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. Messrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS haveready for immediate use a very

e ment of SWEET SCENTS CLOTHING.» They LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX send. upon application, fox ~— of ye 4 men, or 1e8, together with their pew Ittoeraaren Cata- Loeus, = ngabout 400 ngs. Th furnishes sotalle of the various departments, with Price Lists. &c. BLISS'S Chipp’ pring mor ton Riding and iting Tweeds, Cheviots, Homespuns, Berges, &c. FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM

FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATE. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the TEETH. Renders the Teeth PEARLY WHITE of the productions ~i this eminent “ Eros” Sort always kept in stock. SAMUEL BROTHERS,

ie LONDON. BE Workshops: Ludgate Hill; and 46, Gray's Inn HOLLANDSCHE TANDMIDDELEN, FOR CLEANSING THE TEETH AND PERFUMING THE BREATH. Tooth Elixir, 3s, 64. per bottle. Tooth Powder, 64 and le. per box. Tooth Paste, Clove flavour, -. ‘6d.; Peppermint flavour, 3s. per pot. Prepared b y A. FRIEDERICH, Purveyor to H. M. the King of Holland. Bole Agents: R, HOVENDEN & SONS, London.

ee — ~*~ inte Of all Chemists and Perfumers throughout the world. 2. 64. per bottle. TLORILINE TOOTH POWDER ocaly, Put up in glass jars. Price ls. Prepared only by The Anglo-American Drug Company Limited. 33, Farringdon Read, London, E.C. INSTEAD OF 4 or A QUILL. FLYING CHMAN

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mber. lawn-tennis court, pa covered gaileries, igh room for ph phers, — clim bi system of ventilation, heating, and Eng'ish system oe English and Catholic en Residing F' <a. ! Dr. M. G. Foster, Ma For terms and further particulars apply to ei (GRAND HOTEL LONDON, ENG. on FINEST SITUATION. EVERY LUXURY ano COMFORT. MOST RECHERCHE CUISINE. VERY MODERATE

“ WHITEHALL COURT.” RESIDENTIAL FLATS, FACING THAMES EMBANKMENT AND WHITEHALL PLACE, 8. w. These excellent Suites are pees with every modern convenience, ¢ Hot and Cold Water, Biectrie Light and Bells, Visitors” ‘ad Servants’ Lifts in tg = and day, and occupy the finest tion in ndon, affording extensive views of e River (with the Surrey Hills in the distance) oad the Embankment Gardens. They are aiso most conveniently and centrally situate with res; ect to the principal Clubs, Theatres, &c. 7 rooms are all finishea to suit the wishes of —_ Tenants, and the rentals include ali Rates, Taxes, Water Supply, lichting and heating of the Corridors and Staircases, and the services of all the Porteis. The Suites may be viewed at any time on application te the Superintendent. J. C. Summernriziy, at the Office on the premises; or to Estate Agents, 1, Mamrton * Sons, ery - (ate Waterloo House), 8.W Beallyy wholiscme Corfe CALLARD & BOWSER'S BUTTER-—SCOTCH. CONDY'S FLUID. USED IN ALL HOSPITALS. CONDY’S REMEDIAL FLUID COND Y’S.—A Household Word. COND Y’S.—In Sore Throats Never Fails. COND T"S.—The Sovereign Cure for Relaxed Throat. “I find the Condy and cold water faceted ie Wises “It is rie eat service asa disin fect- ingand 7" — reenel *—Dr, Wasp, Seaman's H SORE THROATS. o—y Cases ed at Once. “ Every case Lats an immediate improvement,”—Dr. Rupperroars COND Y’S.—Severe Sore Throat nickly Relieved. “I have employed it with invariabie uccess,”—Dr. Cmas. Bett. CONDY’ 8. —‘*Cleanses Wounds | rapidly.”’—Dr. Pore. CONDY'S. a Bor Irritating Dis- | charges, ""—Mepicat Times. CONDY’S.—The “ says er it is not wonderful that this Fluid hes been a a favourite with and po A COND Y’S.—Everyone shoul the repo we onan aoe autho- rities, "Maording useful information 0% numerous ailments, issued with every by ate. or sent free by post on applica- tion to {oe NDY’S FLUID WORKS, 64, TURNMILL STREBT, E.C. TO00 FA Dr. Gordon's « Elegant Fils Cure STOUTNESS rapidly and certainly. weight, and send Od., 4s. 64., Dr, Gonpon , 10, nod tend Square. J. EXSHAW & 60.8 VINESE QLD. BEAND +. W. Grateneen ‘ate. ao a

ye ane ‘te mdon, W C.

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ahi FE eee Ee Jung 20, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 289 ON THE RIVER. A LIGHT canoe, a box of ci " Sunshine and : A conscience free from love or money debts To man or maid ; A book of verses, tender, quaint, or gay, - | have to be in harness A Thames-side Inn, a salad, and some fruit, se slasge Soon, tess CoG walt te simple joys, bu y sui An fale rhymer. A ’BUS ’OSS’S MEMS. (Kept during a recent Social Crisis.) Saturday, June 6, 11 P.M.—Home after our last turn. Fancy from several drinks had on the way, and the pace we had to put into that last mile and a half, that a up. Turned into stall nice and comfortable, as usual. Sunday, — Seeing is up with a ven- pam We’re on strike, I don't w the rights of it, nor as I have my bit of straw i eed twice a day. way, if the fellow w ** off.” Past feedi about it. Hang it for my living, than nothing without a feed! thank goodness, at last. late than never. Capital fun this strike. Monday.— Am sent out in a | r Hooted at and frightened wi Felt half inclined to shy. Halloa! what’s this? Hit on the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, I won't stand this. Kick and back the "bus on to the pavement. All the windows amashed by Company’s men. P out. Somebody cuts the traces, and myself to be led back to the stables. Don’t care about this sort of fun. However, feed all right. Tuesday.—Hear that the men want thir- teen and sixpence a day and a seven hours’ turn. Di offer five and sixpence, and | ¢ make the minimum seventeen hours. Go ii my hearties! Fight away! Who cares dah 1 dentt:antn chest batig:Seaped. ey bare on’t care a’ up . Nasty feeling of puffiness about the knees. Hang the strike! Wednesday.—Pufliness worse. Vet. looks in and says I want exercise. Take a bolus and am walked for half an hour or so up down some back-streets. Bless them !—that ain’t no Thursday.—Pufliness worse, of course. Bother it all, being shut up here! What wouldn’t I give just for a sight of dear old Piccadilly! The fact is, if they don’t soon let me have my runfrom King’s Cross weir I shall ‘‘ bust up ””’—and that’s a fact. I feel it. Friday. —Ah, they eae yell come tp Seren) Another day of this, I believe I should have been off the hooks *‘ for ever and for aye.” It’s = yey well for ‘Capital and Labour to sommeeneeds, but, as Docrow | efficient. sid, they must ea their disputes short if the of their business, = look Saturday, 13th.—BStrike over! again on Monday, and not a day too in the interests of the men, the Directors, the Public ; and, last, but by no means least, specially that of ‘‘ the ’osses,”’ IN MEMORIAM. “OLD TO-MORROW.” Tar Rient How, Sm Joun ALEXANDER MAcpDoNALD, LATE Premier or CANADA, Poncu sympathises with Canadian sorrow For him own lovingly as ‘“‘Oxp To- Mornow.” (day, Hail to *‘ the Chieftain!” He lies mute to- But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for aye. [SPEARE eighs, ‘*To-morrow--and to-morrow!” SHaxk- So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies. But death comes not with mere surcease of breath To such ashim. ‘* The road to dusty death” Not “‘ all his yesterdays”’ have lighted. Nay! eer ’s OLD ae ey ” lives eae n unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears The long to-morrow of the coming years. LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th.—Great doings here to-day. Conservative Ladies of Billsbury have been hard at work, knitting, sewing, painting, em- broidering, patching, quilting, crocheting, and Heaven knows what Bazaar in aid of the Conservative Young Men’s Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund. You couldn’t call at any house in Bills without being nearly smothered in heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the Penrotps’ on Monday after- noon, the yn Ene was simply littered with bonnets and hats, none of them m larger than a crown piece, which Miss Pzen- for some time in learning it by heart. cook came for orders in the morning, she and | speech to her. Cook was or weeks past all the | 4 forced to listen while Mother said over the high opinion of ties. ug ex a hi inion of its beauti ‘esterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous amount of luggage, includin fe ue do ao ae —" A oegeat 8 w went off ve well. This is it :—‘* Ladies and Gentlemen, am 80 pleased to be here to-day, and to have the eppertanttg of helgan f the dear Conserva- tive cause in Billsbury. 1 am sure you are all so anxious oe asmany of these lovely things as you can, I therefore lose no time in aring the Bazaar open.” Simple, but The to-day was fixed for 2 30, the Bazaar in the large room of the reper By Teetith Villers. At an one Pe teen a means, Aifoemen and Mrs. TotLanp, and one or two others, SEE a Ot, Sat eEerwands wo all drove course. as the prayer was over, Colonel CuoRKLE rose and made what he would ‘*appiest call one of his Simian Talk. Proresson Gannens, in the New Review Tells us that “Apes can talk.” That's g new ; Reading much ‘‘ Simian”’ litera rot, One only wishes that our ‘‘ Apes” could not / VOL. 0, cc

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jone 20, 1891. LE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND THE LAUNDRESSES. THE NEW TA 7! \ /Ze S YY) \ SN NN \ SS N \N Yip W, Aye eee MMos **Can’T sez you now, I’m Wasninc—Mysg.r.” “The Women are crying out for the protection of the Factory Acts, which has hitherto been denied them, and which the Home Secretary declines to pledge the Governmert to support.”—Daily Telegraph, Friday, June 12th. London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, loquitur :— Tuer tell us the Tub is humanity’s friend, and that Cleanliness is | Well, I’m not so sure that the world’s far wrong in that Worship of closest kin of Washing that’s all the rage ; : To all things good. By the newest gospel ’tis held that Dirt is the | Bat we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly life and a decent friend of Sin. wage |

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June 20, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— Listen, Dus, oom 2 sore seniefien sont on the turned up pail,—if you the time ; Isn’t it queer ’s cleansers m lives amidst muck and grime ? (ewell” and ewes, St cigsclen nde tamed tal kooks, col Widlg ut steaming our an foulness about our If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we laundress look in here, feet shrink back with sickness, and wouldn’t their faces go pale with fear? White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that linen looks when it leaves our hands; But nt little think of the sodden squalor that marks en where the laundress stands. Goma, a © scrub, at the reeking tub, for eighteen hours atas 5 ™ the lights through the a ee dance ; = Ankle-deep in the wetery ude, where the tile is loose or the drainage blocked ! Oh, T haven’t a doubt that the dainty dames—if they y knew! be sorely shocked. Typhoid ! Fema, Any wa Sapa the whisper of which would But dirt, and damp, and defective —_ will raise that ghost on a world afraid ; And at thirty years our strength is siege of the stifling fume. te sarees such teal = Or what if we linger a little Shenger? Scant rays of com- Grievances, Ber? Wi Is make no doubt that the world of idlers is at ~ likes of us, When the , the the pick, Of the moans and whip, the nee Are = on strike for a higher wage, ’tis a worry, of urse, to the well-to-do, [o to me and you. aabe a pond Home-See. must “ decline to pledge ” support Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother the b -wigs and stir their bile ? Why, it ’s all along of our “ discontent,” A oe Agitator’s i guile. [sided But Labour, Bar, 4 is agog just now to revise the ol = And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit of the Factory Acts, a be bad ’Busmen, Ber ny, girl, claim shorter hours, mer per {we women not have our say Just nia of or the Slaves ofthe Tub! Why should In the Park o’ Sunday, like like Daw the Docker, or Tom the Tailor, or Wit the ‘*‘ Whip” ? The Tub and the [roning-board pooeer to have got achance —which they mustn't let slip An Aes lam 3 in Laundress Labenie, may move the and shame the quiz. We dream of “‘ Washing as well it might be” ; _ Show them ‘‘ Washing as now it is.” oD nod it, we, in the sodden wet and the choking aching back, The efi hours, and the typhoid taint, the inverted the hurried snack, There ma’ ne knows ?—be f f d me, Ber! Just think other’ non gE Oh, I know it is — to ard ts elie fe - » my girl. The ol 8 On ficial ‘cars an = poetne lady fears, and household bi an. But at is wrought by want of thought.” says some poet, I ;—t0 we'll let them know / we’ll Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the dear cuppert of old days +a home ! of linen a-bleach on the grass! How little I PH oe A tC ~ Fab 5 edly ~ Ae and the tubs ae and the Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a dank, dark den, with a noisome air. Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the shadowy form of a spectra thing, A tyrant terror that ens our lives whilst we rub and Well, Vcheerup, Bas gi ef you i d straigh c up, Bet, , an ten ci hae finished your grub b, AE HR. score, We may find non end to this Tele ee eet » ; h we Wwe A) BS ‘e \\V Lin j 4 ) Y \\\ Wa , A CURE FOR INFLUENZA. Major O’Gourmand, ‘' Sure, me Docraor saip A GLAss OR TWO oF Day Cuan. | PAGNE’LL DO ME GOOD! BgGoRRAH, THE BoTTLE’s DRY ENOUGH BY THIS TIME |" STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.—A Page from a Londoner's Diary. Sunday.—Can scarcely believe the news |! no omnibuses! A strike! het shall we do? ab yy always go to ch Then subsequent parade in ark—don’t an omnibus for that, either. At the end of,the day, can say that, take one with another, state of affairs more comfortable than might have been antici: Monday.— Dreaded continuance of strike, but Sand, ie papetionlis, venience. Had to walk to the office, and. --. the promen Had no idea that a stroll along the Embankment was so delightful. one can exist without omnibuses—at least, for a time. Tuesday.—Find that people who were at their wits’ end at the mere su gestion aaa a strike, are becoming reconciled to the situation. Streets certain y pleasanter without the omnibuses. Great, lum conveyances, filling up the road, and stopping the traffic! London looks twice as well without them ! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops are just as well attended now as when the two t Companies were in full swing Wednesda y.—Can’t see what the +~o people (both sides—Directors and aboat. No matter of mine, and the Public are only a good walk. Fifty per cent. better since I have been *bus. .-y to-day to contribute something in su Certainly not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for thank the k i the present state of rey a is delightful. I have to journey from Vauxhall to th teaching me to patronise the river steamboats. Pleasant the ‘Temple = apenny! No idea that the Thames was so pretty at ‘Westminster. capital. Friday. = Btr on foot, so no Joss in that. little inoon- immensely. After ail, employés) = quanse Cbliged to give up the o give up morning the strikers. Thursday.— View of the Houses of Parliament and the e continues. Well I donot complain. Hired a hansom and find that ongeues the cab takes you up to door, it is really cheaper in the long run. a... use an omni Le sued, and run a chance of t. If it rains you having to finish your journey on foot, you might just as well Saeed de cde nen Saturday.— arranged to on Monday! This is too much! Just as we were pacer berms 4 all the disgusting lamberin old omnibuses are to come back again ! It ought not to be allowed. Asked to-day to contribute some- thing in support of the strikers. Certainly, the longer the strike laste the better for the Pablic.

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THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Jone 20, 1891. 1891, and never has 1892, land is absolutel engagements, EXPLANATIONS A LA MODE. (A Prophetic Forecast, by a Professional Pessimist,) The Leader of the oo Sees in answer to a question, that ing exists between country. No treaty is in contem been suggested no understand- England a any Foreign on ae” The Government repeats that Eng- free from any international t must not be thought for a WHO ’D HAVE THOUGHT ITP!! First Slender Invalid, 1'M JUST GETTING OVER IT.” His Wasting Friend, “‘ An | You 'RE RIGHT, MY Bor ! OF IT 18, IT PULLS A FELLOW DOWN 80 FEARFULLY ! |” EH’ eg SAY, Otp MAN, WHAT A BEASTLY THING THIS INFLUENZA 18, IVE HAD IT TOO, AND THE WORST moment that a single battalion will be moved, or a solitary vessel dispatched abroad with warlike intentions. 1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the suggestion that, under 7, a bane will —— ind herse: accept European sibility. This has been said constantly for the last Cabinet is not only surprised but pained at these frequent and em ing inter- rogations. 1894, Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists that soy ed may happen abroad, England will be free from inter- ference. It has been the policy of this great country for the last four years to steer clear of all embarrassing international complica- tions. The other Great Powers are perfectly aware that, under no circumstances whatever, will our Army and Fleet beemployed in taking part in the quarrels of our neighbours, The entire Cabinet are grieved at questions so mtr yn my A put to them— questions that are not only disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose sole duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire. 1895. General European War— England in the midst of it! VOCES POPULI. BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS. A Sxeron at THe Rorat Nava Exursrrion, Scene—The Grounds. A string of Si spew os a eel slowly in front of a row of glazed lated mechanical figures, which are set in motion i in P gm yroomes manner. Berore a Scene REPRESENTING A Dyino CHILD. A Gallant Swain, That’s the kid in bed, yer see. Like to see it die, Potty, eh? A penn does it. Polly (with a giggle). Well, if it ain’t too’arrowing. (The penny 1s d in, and the mechanical mother is instantly d by the deepest maternal Ay— 3 ) That’s the mother kneeling by the bed, I su pray natural. There’s the child waking u it’s moving _* ed, ( The tittle doll pee ee and then = back lifeless.) Ah, it’s gone—look at the poor mother ’idin’ her The G. 8. Well, it’s all over, Come along and see something relly Wai bi alf There’ y ait a bit—it isn’t ’alf over yet. sa got ~ come and carry her rhs d fust—there, the door’s pty the come for it, I expect. onupeiated.) Po, tt it’s os the doctor. ittle medical A jerky and obviously incom practitioner pute his oe back } by the be- ad in at the door, and on reaved mother, retires with more deli than might have been Set Well, be aight he! enon San lf if the child was dead ! k of the bed disappears, disc a well-known a Je oe Aiying upwards with a child.) “chink can real angel, and not only a of one, and it’s a different child —there’s the child in bed j a snyoos oan call that a take-in! The G. &. _ ane whet enya penenpenh ins tae A Person on the Outskirts (eagerly te Friend). Wh What is it? I couldn’t make it out over all His Friend. Drying child~not half ba either 0 Renny, and pee Ll see it well he P. on the O. (indignantly rabhiah "Rot ma e PT POET A Softhearted Female. No, 1 couldn’t stand there and look on. I BS bereet*| pees endqubin What, put in a penny for such | never can bear them pathetic subjects. I felt just the same with that picture of the Sick Child at the Academy, you know. (Medi- tatively.) And you don’t have to put a penny in for that, either. Berorz ANOTHER Beproom Scene REPRESENTING ‘‘ THE Daevurxarn’s Detraivm.” First Woman, That’s’im in bed, with the bottle in his’and. He likes to take his liquor comfortable, he do. Second Woman, He’s very neat and tidy, considerin’, ain’t he? I wonder what his delirium is like, ’Ere, Rosy, come and put your penny in as the gentleman give yer. (Rosy, aged siz, sacrifices her penny, om protest.) Now, you look—you can’t think what pretty things you ’ll see. { he " little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the bottle to his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, painted a pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side ; v4 drunkard takes a languid interest in him ; the demon sin A Gentleman with a bloated complexion (critically). Phi a did that—well, I dessay he’s a very clever man, or (compassionately) —he don’t know much about ’orrors, he don’ t! A Facetious Friend. You could ha’ told him a thing or two, eh, Jr? The Bloated Gentleman (contemptuously), Well, if I never ’ad them wuss than that / [A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the door. The F. F. ’Ullo, ’ere’s the King 0’ Terrors for yer! (Rosy shows signs of uneasiness ; a blue demon comes out of a cupboard.) ’Ere’s another of ’em—quite a little party he’s ’aving ! A Gentleman, in a white tie (as the machinery stops). Well, a thing like this does more real good than many a temperance tract. e Bloated G. Yer right there, Guv’nor—it’s bin a lesson to me I heow that. ’Ere, will you come and ’ave a whiskey-sour along ra me and my friend ’ere? Berore A MopEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION, A Daughter. But why won’t you ‘put a penny into this one, ther ? “The _— (firmly). Because I don’t approve of Capital Punish- A ew ys bem Person, An execu egutlen =” oube penny in ; bell tolls es open—seaffold shown with gallows. Executioner fac bolt — "dear, dear—most degrading, shocking taste! (Zo h Friend.) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see hones et

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June 20, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL a —— penny ? Let mo mongen, J om leak yon cne, (He dove: the penny is put in—nothing happens.) Out of order, I sup ome Boalt and nobody to speak to about it—most reditable ! Stop—what’s this? (A sort of woolly beat is inside the (Jt works. Spectator. Very well done, that was—but they ’urried it over a little too quick. T cconssiy gow the man "eng ot ! His Companion, Put in another penny, and p’raps you’ll see him eut down, aid chap. Berore THE Farry Fortune-Te.iEr’s Grorro. Susan Jane (to her Soldier), Oh, ain’t that ? I should like to know what my fortune is. [She feels in her pocket. The Soldier (who disappr ; of useless expenditure), Ain’t you (Reads Directions.) Oh, you’ve Susan Jane, P’rapsI do. (Coquettishly, as she sets the index toa ow, you mustn’t look. I won't ’ave you see " # Gaal went toled, I tell yer—it’s nothing to me. you are you. Soldier, Honour bright, ’t seen nothing. Are you going to be - oe ee ) P el ln ates ANE puts in a penny, blushing tittering ; mousioal table te hoord Hom the thos and the Wile foros begin to revolve in a solemn and — Sashion ; growi excitement of crowd. A pasteboard o fon adder reveal. ing a small disc on which a sentence is inscribed, Person in Crowd (reading slowly over Susan Jane’s shoulder), “Yus; ’e is treuly worth your y ] That’s worth eer thee, ah, Hint m ,’e ! &e. Crowd (delighted). Your mind’s easy now! It’s the she was meanin’. ought to feel satisfied too, after that &e. Confusion of Susan Jane. Soldier (as he departs with 8. J.). Well, yer know, there’s some- thing in these things, when all’s said! In DEPARTING, A Pleased Pleasure-seeker, Ah, that’s something like, that is! I’ve seen the ’Aunted Miser, and the Man with the ’Orrors, and a Execution, and a Dyin’ Child—they do make you larf, yer know! Second P. P. Yes, it’s a pity the rest o’ the Exhibition ain’t more the same style, to my thinking ! A Captious Crite. ell, they don’t seem to me to ’ave much to do with anything naval, His Companion. Why, it comes under machinery, don’t it? You’re so f » you are! Wouldn’t touch a glass 0’ beer ’ere, unless it was brewed with salt-water, I suppose! Well, come on, then—there’s a bar ’andy ! [ They adjourn for refreshment, Proverss pro Omnisus.—Directly the Chairman of the General i bserved that if men’s demands were con this will be able to take care of himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last week! Henceforth not ‘‘ chaos,” but ‘’Bus ’os ,”’ has come again ! Nolens Volens. Tear Mrz, Puncu,—I hear that some people are in a great state of ind lest some blessed Bill brought in by the Govern- Voluntary Schools,” 4 dy P. beams.) That’s the bell tolling—it’s all right, |; OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. THE most in ing book, one of the Baron’s Retainers (‘‘blythe and gay,”) has read this year is, The Life of Laurence Oliphant. f it were not written by a reputable person, and publi by s0 eminently respectable a house as BLAcKwoop’s, would be diffioulty about accepting it as a true story of the life of a man whom some of us knew, as lately livin ia London, wearing a froc ~~. coat, and even a tall hat » of cylindrical shape. Such a of shrewd busi- . A man gentle , of high culture, of i ‘ » “‘there’s no sich a person.” But there was, and, stranger still, was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT to bend the knee to him. Not the least striking thing in a book of rare value is the manner in which Mrs, OrirHanr has acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man would have had the has . The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with Lapsus Calami, by J. K. 8., published by Macmittan and Bowes. It is a booklet of light verse, containing here and there some remarkably brilliant pi of satire and p . The first of two parodies of Rosert Brownixe is unsurpassable for successful audacity. The last poem in the book is ‘‘ An Election Address,” written for, but apparently not used by, the present Posrmasrer-GeneRaL, when he ee dee t the | baling of val . selfish, self- ye » according was Candidate for Cambridge University, in 1882. He says of him- | self, after confessing to a dislike for literature and science,— “‘ But I have fostered, guided, planned | Some ten or twelve directors, and Commercial enterprise ; in me Six worthy chairmen you may see.” All the pieces are not so good as those cited—that wou!d bs too much to expect—but “ get it,” say © Banow pe Boox-Worms & Co, Mortuary. Anprew Lanevaer—no, Lane!—who the classics is pat in, Suggests to our writers, as test of their ‘‘ style,” , | Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin As Drarpen did. Truly the plan makes one smile ! Reviewers find Novelists’ weary ’em. Writers of twaddle Take DaypEn a model — Turn your books into some great ‘‘ dead language ”—and bury ’em ! WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST; Or, A Mauvais Jew d’ Esprit. Wut you, if you gem, point out to me the way to the streets which, I am told, are paved with gold ? Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been told, will instantly get me occu ata of 60 roubles the week / Deer mo! to this, then, pour ” te ”? I was told it was your model work-rooms’ | UE eo ace And are are scowli eu me yourtypica i that I should’ find them with open arms, offer me all that you pay for making a te twelve times as much as this. have been told, and have given credit to, « I never should have listened at all. Ca, a pn FORE WOR TSI.

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| i | | | LONDON CHARIVARL [Juwe 20, 189}, PUNCH, OR THE Hii | | i ’ . i ' " ji / -g@ ' - A ) ~ y WT cy ug BE: OF Fa ee ni A Ri) | G, wy i | , | | Mel eae j " | AN, FELINE AMENITIES. Lady Godiva de Rougepott, ‘‘1 pow’? THINK ANY PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN THIS HORRID Exzcrric Licur!” Hostess (nettled\, ‘‘Don’r vou, Dean! PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO REMAIN IN Tak Drawinc-Room, WHERE THE Lamp; AND SaapEs Ane!” THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. “To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural Society the Marquis of SaLisnury sent a magnificent collection — of strawberries especially. Mr. W. H. Smrru showed specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he received the thanks of the Society.”"— Daily Telegraph. Head- Gardener 8m-14 soliloquiseth :-— Ono! my beauty! If you don’t get a fust prize, and ‘‘ receive the thanks of the Society” I’m a cowcumber! ‘‘ The Fruits of Early Industry and Economy.” Title of a picture by that splendid sample of the industrious and the econom Gronee Montanp, J believe, Yes, that’s it. My Industry and G-scu-n’s y: We area moral family ; We are, we are, we are! All the cardinal virtues bound in—ahem! no matter. Talk of the Gigantic ry ie What is that monstrosity compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry ? Bravo, my “ British Queen ”’ ! Long live my “ British Queen ” | Brave “ British Queen” ! Pirst-Priser gior ret-Prizer Fill Reds cevsorious’ With envious spleen! As you will, my Beauty! When did swaggering eulture produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug’d M-ri-x’s? Or leary L-sey’s? Or Slawkenbergian M-wp-tia’s? Or even that of the Grand Old Grower, Gi-pst-wz himself, with all his fluent patter eT Sge ing H-no-r1's horti- about British Pomona, and the native Jam-pot ? I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the tisa “ » from an old purchase of their own. Bless y claim the good stooks—always did. Who cares? My floricultural end, Joz of pamaptam, who bnepe + ~~ - ose well as concerning orchids, me you,—Jor, I say, terous pretensions toscorn. Look at @-scu_w own partiular plant there—a bit late, but very promising, and probably i to take a prize before the season’s over. Didn’t Joz recommend the stock to Gi-pet-we years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden horti- culturist turn up his nose at it as an ‘‘ Unauthorised” intruder upon his own Prize Programme? And, more by token, didn’t Jox get the hump in consequence, cut the old connection, and set up on his own account in the forcing-house line, with a friendly leaning to our firm ? Aha! “ Hine ille lachryme,” as the Guy’nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal Strawberry ! Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think sol They may chaff *‘Orp Moxatrry” as much as they like—but morality pays, even in strawberry-growing ; and my duiy to my (British) Queen has brought about this triumph. Early Industry started it, and careful horticultural Economy brought it to its present pitch of i Look at it! Size, shape, sweetness, scent, all superb! the Season shouldn’t produce another Prize- Winner, this alone ought to satisfy Sorry. And if G-scu-n’s seedling, ‘‘ Gratir,”’ should turn out a triumph later on, why we shall score y: Wish G-scu-» would ‘sit up and snort” less, and smile more. Patience oy of sun! That’s the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at door and shying stones at your neighbour's glass- houses, won’t make your own fruit ripen, if Groner Joxrm could only see it. As H-nr D-xeE says, tu quoques are a nuisance, and want eras off the face of the earth. Joxim and ArTuur B-tr-R a bit too fond of ’em for my fancy. However, all the ** you ’re anothers” on earth can’t affect my Strawberry now, thanks be! The Fruit of the Season, though I say it who perhaps shouldn’t. (Sings.) From “ Greenlands”’ sunny garden, And vista’d vitreous panes, We mean to rival Hawarden, In glories and in gains. I have produced, Sweet WriL-1-am, This Giant Strawber-ry, In horticultural skill I am A mateh for W. G.! [Left chortling. Tar Very Last on toe’ Bos Starxe.—After the comparative quiet of last week, the streets of London will now be as *bussy as ever.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juxz 20, 1891. TO Te EU) a wa a mat ATTN THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION. W. H. Su-rm (Hiad Gardener and Prize Exhibitor), ‘HAD TO NIP OFF A LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS SIZE!!” “ At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal Horticultural Society ... Mr. W. H. Surru showed imens of the same luscious fruit ’’— strawberries — “ for which he received the thanks of the Society.” — Daily Telegraph, Wednesday, June 10.

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Juxn 20, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 297 ——————— SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE. PorRTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN THOROUGHFARE, WAS AN ARDENT SuPPORTER OF THE BUS STRIKE, SUBSCRIBED TO ITs FuNDs, AND HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE, He SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A Quiet Timz with HIs Books For Years. Bur Aas! since LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT SMILED AGAIN, MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT ’BUS QUESTION. “The demand for Buses is ae emery | stimulated by their presence, and when they are no longer there, the who thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without them... Under ny uence of penny fares, Londoners are rapidly forgetting how to walk. The Times Au! it’s all very fi ne, my Sir, whosomever you are as writes such, But of decent poor folk a, needs it is plain as you do not know much, Which I ain’t quite so young as I was, nor as light, nor as smart on my feet, And you may not know quite what it is to be out late o’ Stok wand dead bel, Out way, Se anh and Gee ee As canaries is skeery ht, and a seven mile walk, at my All along of no Bus to “ love or money, and cabs that pa dear, And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain’t as nice as you fancy,—no fear! Likeways look at my Jon every morning, ah! rain, hail or shine, up to town, With no trams running handy, oleumat As I sez to my friend Mrs. Browy, Bless the °B I sez. they ’re a boon to poor souls, as must travel at times, oe we can’t ali keep neither, wus luck! Penny Fares ain’t no crimes, ‘ou arsk me, as “aid ought to _. Which my feelings I own it does rouge To wens bie wigs a-sneering at ’ Buses. There may be a bi it of a serouge, had the weal t f damp straw mixed with pep'mint ain't nice to a dalicot nose, Likeways neat ‘‘ Oh be Joyful’s” as with orange and snuff hardly goes. But we ain’t all eg nor rich, a can’t all afford sixpence a mile, And when we are old, late, and tired, or it’s wet, we can’t think about style. The ’Bus is the poor body’s kerridge, young feller—and as for your talk About not never missing a lift, or forgetting—dear sakes |—how to walk, And the nice quiet streets ‘and all that: why it’s clear you ain’t been a poor clerk With a precious small ‘* screw,” in wet weather. Ah! you wouldn’t find it no lark With thin boots and a’ard ’acking cough, and three mile every day to and thro’, Or a puffy old woman like me, mw at Ty wisiting Jox, (M young son in the greengrocer @ governess, y and ind pale, Test overep herself aight, and can git by cao ae 1 and d ’um g too, Ugly lumbering webicles fn fey A lot of us poor can Buss as isn’ t high-born or true-blue. But the ’Bus is our hel e some do ride as had far better walk, Whether tip-topp + or pr hon shop-girls. But all that is trampe talk. What I arsk is, w *Buses be kept a bit reglar, like Ca In the matter of fares and of distances ? Oh, a old woman it crabs To hear of P: pinching pore fellers as drive or conduck, While the “ ” play up merry mag with the poor helpless fare, as gets Betwixt Dividend-gri and Strikers? It ought to be altered, J say. Whilst they talk of what ’Bus-folk should earn, they forget the pore Publick— LE PRINCE S’AMUSE, An Apologetic Idyl, MSs Plo is held to bo 0 sound of Fine; who thus would rate it, Por lites if’ lights ave most a ene es plainest English they ey don't state it, 8 Or why that sneering cry, ee Princes" amuse?” Ov do Seay Gok 0 Feines, withend spining, Foundation is la Lewared eat a abet” Sts ony of bapaes covet take cael Is recreation such as he would choose If so—I understand ‘* Le Prince s’ amuse !” But how a world that notes his daily doings, round of weary function,— The everlasting a health-returnings, interviewings him some t com Seems quite to me * another pair of shoes |” Dyspeptic is that ory,‘‘ Le Prince s’amuse !” THE MODERN BRIGAND. (Fragment from the Adventures of a Ransomed Prisoner.) I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treat- ment to which I was sub jeoted b m cypees, Instead of being loaded with is calnvend conte ina es 9 the castle’s moat, I was given perfect liberty quite a t suite of rooms. I should a oo in durance had not one of the less known I was refined of the brigands shown me a revolver, and play- fally informed me that its contents were intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous manner, and ended his first interview with me by requesting ‘* the of my company 2: honour et dinner. ** You need not dress! ‘ he is. ‘although I like to ‘poy = ete m =~ But I know that you have some difficulty wi le about your luggage, and 80 I shall be Wy iy ee ighted to excuse grande tenue.” The “ difficulty” to which my host referred was the seizing of my P agg epee ve Ba by the gang of nay A ¢ which he was rd ruggested th very methodical, the Cuiefinin we. ‘all y time I fear the & wi hove teanaai The motto of the Club is ‘small profits and quick returns.’ We find no difficulty in trading. As we carry on business on the most econo- mical principles, we can quote prices even cheaper than the I ta possibl Taeoer sme of. contents. Stores,”’ And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were very civil to me, I was unable to trace any of my ro . However, as my host in the kindest manner allowed me to dispense with ceremony, I ventured toa at dinner-time in my ordinary tourist's dress. am delighted to see you,” said the Chief, 2 Sguentng English 4 for the first time, *‘as you are now my must confess that we are fellow countrymen.” ‘* Indeed!” I replied, considerably astonished. are perme British nationality, how is it that I a guest, “Tf you find you ‘* You are mistaken,” returned the Chief. ‘I merely belong to a society for the redistribution of capital, You know we are all balloted for, and I was myself afraid eT} Fe elie, » tone of Surely -~ ”* Tex a surprise. ‘‘ Sure your accomplishments—for I noticed, on my arrival, that you were a first- rate hand at lawn tennis, played the flute—would your admiss have “Well,” he returned Tith o mile, mF tear they a the Committee. But unhappil my ante- en ts were bad—I had made a fortune on don Stock Exchange, and my books were scarcely as satis- Sectery op our Veni @ itors could have desired them allowed me to through. ~¥~3 fl, ea Tae strid ust say good ye A pleasant j od And shaking mio warmly by the hand, he helped me into the conveyance that was to take me back and freedom. I have never seen him since. ee ee a RR STB >

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jowe 20, 1891.

X , > ) ’ < Y a VF . uN 2 fa an “nm tonmnaly A. r - , haved Afaih / _~ttr

l wt WIM \Y é iit AYA ie " we .

ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.——HARTINGTONIANA.

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Jung 20, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A COY COLOSSUS. Panis, June 15.—It is stated here, on no authority what- am, Ot ese recen visiting I Fata Mom C m was heard aT Tit madnes me de- sire see the Teakowaphe soma A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris d the Summer is therefore to be certain. An offensive and defensive Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the point of si A few evenings ago, in a low café in M. ! i i: Ui i ie ! ag fe Es & RE eRe 2 Frese se = eee, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the constant cries of Alliance Franco- Russe!” were raised. This incident is said to have placed the immediate signature if the Treaty between the Czar and —— ent Cannot beyond a loub Lest evening a foreigner who by ap would have been en = a bm covite, was FANCY PORTRAIT. he wal was the asphalte ‘ : ; Jeri : "ted by . aa (Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice Coleridge.) itive Al. persons orying “Vive Ja|‘'Tux Lorp Ancusisnor or Nova Scorta, PreLatTs or THE OxpeR OF! liance between Fy two coun- Russie!” THE SuN,” CAUGHT CHEATING AT CAKDS (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY TBB| tries is confidently expected seemed both surprised and LorgD CHIEF JUSTICE, AND TAKEN, INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST. at an exceedingly early date. Drxe, recalling and his former statements on Free ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Eadyation , did not attempt to wha ay "Bat utton- 1g House as it were, + quite EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. tially, ‘the fact is we all change our minds. aoa House of a Monday Night, June 8.—I knew Drxe first | this as it bad laughed at Dizzy seventeen abo Dyxz, when (good man now) as Dizzy’s whip he hunted in couple | abeolved and encouraged, went forward with his speech. with RowLanp ome ex; then always called Hart Drxe. Like many| Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor per- other young men he has in interval lost his Harr, and now known | oration, and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a as Sir WitLiam Dyxe, Curious thing, as Sax reminds me, how | eensible straightforward speech, and if Drxx had done no more absorbent is the name of Witt1AM. Quite probable that betes show that an’ im t Ministerial measure could be explained Black- Eyed'*Susan’s friend came prominently on the stage he had | within limit of an bour, a would not have lived in vain. some other Christian name, sunk when he was promoted to shadow of | Business done.— Education Bill introduced. yard-arm. Certainly there is an equaily eminent man sitting oppo Tuesday.—Nothing at first sight in appearance of HexsEent site DyxKe in House‘ wy who like” him is “ Sir Wri114M Tuomas KnatcusvuLi-HucsesEn i saptonte a swan. Fancy | have the ge generation, was VeRNon Hancovurr to an elder one. | heard something of these birds being to the habit of breakin Dyxer, under whatever _name, done excellently well to-night. | forth into song when convinced of a dissolution. That, Holding comparatively minor = in a ai, suddenly | suppose, is how the swan was sug to the moreover, with inch of principal measure of nes KNATCHBULL-HvGEssEN = ee of time when he has uasemegeneeasiy oh e very principle he now em = oneiten 5 nk add to Statute Book. was first hedge ity nate me and Popes one aay = eres Dist Droagh ong i nothing “Not XG It the aes munica‘ wi 12Z¥ years for > was, so the swan a Eitely to forse! what happened i days of Parliament pmegey Spare of 1874, when Dizzy fi time foun himself not only in office but to emanate from the Denk then fon from the Front in power. During election campaign Dizzy, speaking in the safety of —_. Buckinghamshire, had made some wild statement about easirg the hein a hter and cheers; the Con- chains of Ireland. Sim y designed to gain Irish vote ; forgotten as | servatives sat glum and ill-at-ease. O1p Monatiry’s white teeth soon as spoken. But Roszrt Mowtacu—where, by the way is | gleamed with a smile, As for Joxim he folded his arms, Rosert Montacu ?—treasured these these things apn his heart, and when and bit his lips frowned. Duzzy in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, asked| ‘‘ What antiquated nonsense this is!” him mo tnnguiag Syap chews Sf Free Education is not a ‘It is sometime since the a= referred to were made,” a aid Denes, ** and—er—a good deal has happened in the interval.” i

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300 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[Jone 20, 1891,

against the wall, and, picturing the evils that would befall eonetry if its institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die would lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, Tosr, ” haven't died, and that changes the whole situation. Not only enables me to retain my place in Govern- . mt ment bringing in Free 7 permits me, as CHANCELLOR OF THE Ex- cuxquer, actually to find the means for carrying out the system. Can’t under- stand a fellow like this Kyatcusvtt- Hveessen sticking to his when it becomes ex t to He’s a to a family that counts Baa povurnx as its head.” * Hverssen’s a fellow,” said Isaac- SON ; “or we fF. politically a ‘ossil. wi’ma — ou ll find, Trost, my wt, about the time of da: Business — ieteed Education Bill ; firmly led up to table by Har Drxe. Wednesday. — Lively fight

“ A Progressive Conservative.” ; ( Vide Dod.) body long list of Amendments warranted to ke past five, when progress must be re things going till half- and chance of Bill for p—— —— ost. pipes Me in high po ee = SBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having ea proposition aa su uen withdrawn it, MAK.Ns, putting on "Sn ca ae auavel, “It is all very well for the Right Hon. and Gentleman to make a legal Jonau of himself and swallow his opinions.” “* Bless us all!” cried Rownrarer, looking on er blank amaze- ment, ** Maxr INS Pore thinks that Jona swallowed the whale.” ill seemed to shatter friendships and dis-

a at p= _ fray, but rather to ome S&cRETARY running amuck at CuampeRtarn. Marruews in his 4 = he. -toity mood; quivered with indig- ; thumped the table ; shook a forensic Saetnee at the undesignedly ares, and, generally, went on the rampage. As for Hewzace, he filled up any little pause in uproar by diving in and the Closure. Once, "wala GepGE was ing Amendment ile ‘to Bill, ~~ dashed in with his Closure motion. Grvow's face a obady ; ming nie, nation, and ineffable re- Numerces his mobile To think,” he said afterwards, ‘‘that just when I was comin > Hewxace’s help wi * Bless us all!” argument founded profound study and pointed with legal lore, he should culbdeuly jump up, lower his head, and, as it were, butt me in the stomac we Oe. e Closure. It is more than I can at the moment com- pre a Geper so flurried that when Members returned, after Division on Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and wearing his wanted to argue out the question with Courtney. “*T submit, Sir,” he said, ‘that the Hon. Member, in moving the Closure, controverted Rule 186.” oe gee: ** I think the Hon, Member can scarcely have read e e »” Mr. Groor: “‘T have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it says—” Seow * Cotes! Order!” one Conan paneaeen, en ToMLiNsoN fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, joined But Gounmene turned upon him with a a

sever old alliances. Squire of Matwoop | the w y |shrivelled up, and his sentence, like the unfinished window in ALLaprin’s Tower, unfinished must remuin. Wrangling went on till a quarter past Syn, five, vn Tatsor inter- and with most funereal manner to sepest Gk almost mechanically lowered his ayer and started to to but | butt at Tatsor as he had u Grper when he was providentially a —: that Farther ‘ r Maxis, on use delightful, ana that a Bill thet had been fifty 1] en ® the country, was not to be rashed through A 1. Wednesday afternoon. Argal, the more familiar the House is them. | with the details of a measure, the more necessary is it to debate it. Business done.—Marriage with a Deceased Wife’s Sister. again objected to. Saturday, 1°25 4 M. ie Bill ju st through report stage. Nothing left now but Third Readin ell, Kwox,” said Nebe mayo 4 tow, ** that will be our last Opportunity, and we must make the of it. In Beenatine I think we ’ve done ae 5 Ae I’m ae you. You’re a boy of a, Soe nfo a stray tack in the ‘oa ier gat the wind- bag were to elliagee-pane do capitally, it re Winpsac Junior blushed. As OLp Moratiry hen my Ingenuous

th delights in the Approbation of ority. round Deceased Wife's Sister | 7%. ey owen Bill. Ascot in vain held forth Bune don Land ot last pohny — fo - Bill through

THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE. Scene—Tent in rear of a Battle-field, Political Officer in attendance upon Army, waiting for Military assistance. Political Officer (impatiently). + then, Orderly, have you not ea gt are bt ile athe rderly (8 ). woe ig 24 bebe: Ci since have passed that new Royal Warrant, to know which is which. Pol. Off. (more impatiently). Nonsense !—any General Officer will do. Ord. Very good, Sir. [ Ezit. Political Officer stamps his foot irritably, when enter First General Officer, hurried/ First Gen. Off. Well, Sir, how can T assist you? Pol. Off. (cordially). Glad to see you, General. Fact is, supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think it would be wise to surrender the fortress on the right side of the river. if we retain the redoubt near as a basis of operations? You see—— — NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by @ Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or

Wrapper. To this ralo

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Junx 20, 1891. CURIOUS OLD HIGHLAND WHISKIES - 7 10 16 & 26 years in wood. Pee per es. 48/- 60/- 72/- 120/- An eminent Medical Authority, in recom- mending the moderate use of Whisky, states that on no account should Whisky be used unless it is well pneu @ Detailed List on applicat MOREL BROS, COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. Whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.8. COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878, KINAHAN’S -r1:gu TURE, MILD, AND LL wee. DELICIOUS vine WHISKY. WHOLESOME, THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. GUILDFORD STREBT, YORK ROAD, LAMBETH, 8.x. THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY Contains no Sugar. Is not stored in Sherry Casks. Ter DIABETES, GOUT, & ZIDNEY COMPLAINTS. “ Certainly seems to deserve its name.”—Lanesr. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID, GEO. BACK & CO, Devonshire Square, London. Drink GEROLSTEIN BEFORE BREAKFAST. Drink GEROLSTEIN AND WHISKEY AFTER BREAKFAST. Drink CEROLSTEIN AND RED WINE FOR DINNER. Drink CEROLSTEIN AND WHISKEY AFTER DINNER. GEROLSTEIN COMPANY, 153, CHEAPSIDE. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. “ Familiar in Millions of Mouths as any Household Word.” —TimEs. A pollinarts “THE QUEEN oF TABLE WATERS.” “ Much favoured by Her Majesty.” —WorLD. FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE COCOA “1 consider it a very rich, delicious Cocos.”"—W. EH. B. STANLEY, M.D, A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENGE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE. TAMAR INDIEN FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite, Gastric and Intestinal Troubles, Headache. GRILLON. EB. GRILLON, 69, Queen Street, City, London. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. Ga. A BOX, “JOHANNIS” KING OF TABLE WATERS. CHARGED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL GAS. Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, and Not but ble health - medicinal, an sprees -promoting SUPPLIED AT ALL pinst-cLa06 HOTELS AND RESTAURANTS. Sample Cases of 60 pints, 18/6, including bottles. JOHANHIS SPRINGS, Ltd., ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. Wrotweate Stones— THE “PRINCESS SAFETY” PURSE. PREVENTS SNATCHING PREVENTS DROPPING. An elegant ané useful present for a Lady. Trice be. to@is. cach. Of all Stationers, or OBMISTON & GLASS, 17, ST. BRIDE ST., 2.6. JEWSBURY & BROWNS Oriental = =Toothis wa. Paste. We newer? Hawes. trouble. hots ex y: pw... Other and inferior makes ‘of WovER LADDER sold, The Onioimat "SB stamped on ONE Ask tor CAKK'S that the stra tn every yard WEB, and ece is there STAMPE LADDER name UNITED STATE MAVY REVOLVE for House ay ‘Travellers, « ee istol Cai stol Cartridges, coLT’s MAGAZINE RIFLES, ol “y a Small Game, 4 y-—" ong anges — cauatled for raph ve Mtity of fire. ’ COLT’S REVOLVERS cerried off al! the rizes at Edin- burgh, ot babii in ine rie Uae bee. COLTS FIREARMS y Owens, London, W. 26, Glasshouse 6t.. 'HOOPING GOUGH, * ROCHE’S HERBAL EMBROCATION. The celebrated effectual cure without internal medic rine ure Wholesale Agents, W. Kowanns & , Queen Victoria Street, London Boid by ah. st Chemists. Price és. bag Paris—E. Acaup, 328, hue St. New York—Foweoras & Co., North William Street, Gold Medal Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889, JOSEPH GILLOTT’S PENS. Numbers for use by BANK ERS :— Barrel Pens, 225, 226, 262. Slip Pens, 332, 909, 287, 166, 404. In Fine, Medium, and Broad Points. “EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1889. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED NUTRITIOUS. DELICIOUS. DIGESTIBLE. Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAVELLERS, DELICATE CHILDREN, WEAK BIGESTIONS. COCOA ano MILK Tins, 1s. 6d. and 2s. 6d, obtainable everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. Continue te be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. wane IMITATIONS OF BOTH BRED D BUOWN LABSLA. SE's | MAIGLOCKCHE = LILY OF THE VALLEY = ERFUME Ano deca Ghat stor BEN 08 —For ARTISTS, BSPRCIALL Mn) MEDIUM for Oatating Lénerusta y ene, Oe vas, Sins, Sik tale Gause Cards, Leather, &e., BEIZINE OU —Ask for * Golias.” 0 ait, Pal Seny OIL, , GUEABB ¥ROM Oi Fak ott CLOT tbe. BEREINE, Pat h— For i RTISTS. ass 7 Beoty for Painting ee. ° ” tr ipestry, Cards, Leather, &c., Dos B COLLAS.—Try “ Collas,” En zag COLLAS on pre Rone and Cap. _On wig beckiine Quite pocuriegs. BENZINE — Ank for “Collas” re ry take LD . bold everywhere, 64., i, and ls. 64 per Hottie. Agents: J. B.neen & fons *, Oxford hirest, W (as shove) in Hive Ink neross the Labe! on goth Jar of the Genuine Extract. CESARE HED Ne x Perr, ag ga arene Agente: RB. fap & BONS, Lorne SULPHOLINE me LOTION THE CURE FOR ERUPTIONS, BLOTCHES, ECZEMA, ACNE DISPIGUREMENTS MAKES THE 6KIN CLEAR, SMOOTH, SUPPLE, MEALTMY. 7 cs ‘ z 4 . aes Poe ae tN L

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Jowz 20, 1891.

ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. Pet Ques.” ithe Lety’s He wepaper) “ fee's ne te ” bold by Grocers, -_ Otlmnen, &¢. Manufactory—*® HEYFIELD

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POUDRE 0’ AMOUR Prepared by Picann Feencs, any em . Tones Powder combining ¢ Hygienic and Cosmetic, for penatitying —~- ing )~ Skin, It will be equally welcomed 4 all, ® most natural fraicheur the i , Gentiemen wi'l find it most soothing and pleasant for use after shaving in three tints; Blanche for fir skins, Naturelle for darker complexions, and Rachel for use by artificial light Brige te. hty Post, free from observation, . ua“ be had of al! lairdressers, Chemists, &c Wholesale Depot: B. HOVENDEN & SONG, 3183, KEMNERS STRERT, W. And 91-9, CITY ROAV, BC. LONDON. _ HOWARD BEDFORD 7” RAKE S. r —— Wire a capital USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. ‘= polish, the Earth, ite righ the — “eae opel ephedra FOR The World’s most Marvellous Cleanser and Polisher. Makes Tin like Silver, Copper like Gold, Paint like New, Brass Ware like Mirrors, | N t A N T S. Spotless Earthenware, Crockery like Marble, Marble White. Ln Ting, Le, 9s., 66. and 10s. each. SOLD BY GROCERS, IRONMONGERS, AND CHEMISTS. SAVORY & MOORE, toxoon, 4d. a ree Bar. 4ND SOLD EVERYWHERE. ee — —————$——_——_———_ — 7 ——_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_—_<—=——<_— FACE ECZEMA SPOTS ECZEMA FACE ECZEMA

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‘umset Platband Broo in the Pisiaes of Wiest ts tae Gy of Loman, cad Yabtiched hiss £4 Ra. Bs Vises Selec, mtu Parish 2k Deke’ ‘ot Lenton Surensey, Sane'as twa”

Page 405

like rs, STS. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY, “Pictures and letterpress alike combine to raise many a hearty laugh wherever good-natured fun is appre- ciated.’"—Daily Telegraph. BRADBURY, AGNEw, & Co. LD,, 8, o 10, Bouverie Street, B.C. VOLUMES BY F. C. BURNAND, lLlustrated from “Punch,” &. Price 5/- each. 150 Illustrations. 116 Illustrations. 108 Illustrations. 110 = Itustrations. VWery Much Rather Quite Happy Abroad. at Sea. at Home. SRougnts. (COMPLETY) sf. 3% I 7k = Ms Si aS Vee am il! thi a ull (fe ONE HUNDRED. —e— JUNE 27, m4 PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, ““~~* AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, SODA, POTASS, ar SPARKLING | MALVERN WATERS. THESE WATERS CONTINUE TO BE C WE SUPPLIED Ber Majesty the @uern. S3uHL BOG ‘SON3d me

Page 406

—=—

tel week ¢ tai. articles on Deafness and Noiers im tee Need, B ideess; How to bring Grey Hair te ite Origa Colour, Writcre Wanted et ther Home, «v «mgs; Watehes free List of ¥ oftanes in Chancer Copital of b+ . hewsboys W »; Kew » eet a Wile o + acrhange Column free post free 24.—50 Newman * save 20 PER CENT. br ordering your SHIRTS oot ‘rom IRELAND, the Home of Line TAAFFE & COLDWELL'S wf SHIRTS 6 & 33/- LuE to any Adevees in the Kingdom, Sample Shirt, Post Pree, qua to those usually *ol4 St Js. 64, Sent siz of colar and chest mesemte) Perfect in fit and appearance, Made ell ay etl Lengeioth and Pure inh Linen, in Sees, or t» special ma-ure or pattern. Evenin 1B = Shirts, extra wide & t, &, Od i=—< wen CO lars, extra quebkty, te Of te Post Free. ‘eines kb Prvese © Jer “New Linen Fronts, (uff, and Neckbun@, 2s Sd and 2s. 64, Post Pree. TAAFFE & COLDWELL. Shirt Tailors, si, , Ohare On s7., DUBLIN.

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Page 407

June 27, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 301 A WAIL FROM THE TUB. A Reminiscence or SunDAY, THE 14TH or JUNE. | freedom,” I sez, “bat... (Here another disturbance takes place ; @ little man, with red whiskers, has mildly objected to being leant | upon by a burly stranger, who bawls—“* What are you afraidon? You ain’t bin fresh painted, “ave yer? Are yer ‘oller inside—or what ? Scuwz.— Hyde Park. Demonstration in progress, with the not un- Gaarn—I never knoo a carrotty-’ai f. thi reasonable object of inducing Parliament to extend the Factory | yet,” &o , &c.) Then there’s Mr. ‘Messneun a [.% _ —_— — Acts to fers a gy composed of sympathetic Rai'wa men Tailors, Gas Stokers, He insanitary laundries. A lengthy procession, Workers, Cabmen, Journey- use- Decorators, Carpenters, Se, &c., ali with resplendent banners and hired bands, has marched into the Park, together with some lorries and drags containing deputations of ladies from the laundry in the highest possible its. Once arrived, each platform chiefly concerns wself with the grievances of its own particular supporters, while @ crowd of sightseers circulates, erjoying the oratory with a desultory impartiality. The usual silhouettes of gesticulating e’s against us, which I think ’e must be a woman-’ater hisself | (Feeling suggestion from crowd that the Home SecreTaRY Aas suffered a disillusion in his younger days.) But I was goin to tell er what we poor women ’ave to put up with. Now there’s a rs. HrxowmovuLp, of Starch Row, Hacton Green, as I’ve worked for. (A in crowd, who knows Mra, H. ‘‘ Ah, she’s a poo Fy " Cheers| for Mrs, ee. wet ta tell yer something about ’er—it’ll jest show you what she is! Why, that woman, as I know myself, she acshally . . . [ee relates a personal and Rabelaisian reminiscence of Mrs. H., to the delight of the P . t speakers appear like jerky clockwork figures above the throng. audience.) 1’Il tell yer another thing—I’ve worked for a man down A crowd of Socialis's are ‘‘ remembering Chicago” in a corner, at South End, Healing, and this’ll show yer the amount o’ hinsult The chief centre of attraction is a drag occupied by a Philan- | and hill-treatment we ‘ave to stand. and never say nothing to. I’ve thropie Young-lady Chairwoman, her chaperon, some leading seed ‘im, hover and hover agen, walkin’ about us in his shirt- laundresses, one or two male sympathisers, and a couple of sleeves, with ’is braces ’angin’ about is ’eels! (Cheers from the reporters, hampered by t Srivolity. lorry occupied spectators, ceeds somewhat as follows :— The Choirwoman (with patient good- humour). Now, I’m sure you’ll sll be as quiet as you can while I... caused by a personal altercation between two Women in the crowd, and shouts of ** Order !”’) Because really my doctor has ordered me not to speak in the open air at (Here an ill-conditioned female, taking offence for some inscrutable reason, loudly, ‘‘’ Er doctor, indeed, she’s a beauty, she is—’er and ’er doctor!” More calls to order, and extreme indigna- tion of the ill-conditioned female at being informed that she is “‘no lady,” and had ** better ’old er jaw” ; rib less jests by the larrikins.) Order, (Imploringly.) I know you won’t make it harder for me than you can help. (A young Lady in avery tall hat and feather } that the Gentleman in it sh de aap his “ ee on pain o iging to remove it her the question is argued at length.) . . Yor all know the yorpee for which we have. . e drag begins to cheer aimlessly, and wave a scrubbing- ’ lorry join in.) Well, we’re going to send so much linen to the wash as oa & why, it a a to reason remarks plese? ts heard demandi: Front of old Lady ont brush ; the Laund: e:ses on the ask Parliament . . . (Another ‘ . The Cowen conducts the proceedings with the greatest pos- sible tact and ag but is slightly a of f e ao of .o- composed of factory-girls, semi-imbe- cile larrikins, and prvfessional laun- dresses, whose burning anxiety for reform masks itse/f under a surface In the neighbourhood is a ecorated with clean shirts, and young washerwomen fired by an enthusiasm which manifests it- self in bursts of shrill cheering and lively interchange of cheff with the In the meantime, the busi- ness of this particular platform pro- (Hubbub, and utterly self ; crowd ; demonstration with scrubbing-brush by the old Lady in the drag) 1 ’ave in- of a Parlyment - (Here an enthusiastic female in crowd : **’Ullo, there’s as the hours the washerwomen ’ud work “I’ve been and spoke to hover forty Members 0” deed, and I don’t tell yer no lies. (Here a Lady in the crowd 'y exhibits a ten- dency) to harangue the public on her own wrongs, and has to be suppressed.) And . men "6 come ue me pd may, ** Ain't them shirts finished yet?” he sez. “No,” I'd say to’im, ‘they ain’t, and [ at deceive + sa It’s time L fait e’d say. ‘ your a 2" tell ’im, “‘ it’s nothink o’ the kind ; i you don’t believe my word, you me f° and call your Missis out of the back kitch- ing, as knows more about it than you do!” An’ are you goin’ to tell me we ain't to "ave a Factory Act, after that? [ She stands down, having made the speech of the afternoon, and is rewarded by approving cries of ‘* Good old gwi!” An employer of labour is next intro- duced, and received at first with sus- picion, until he explains that he is heart and soul with them, that he does not dread the application of the Factory Acts to his own establishment. and con- siders that it would be an excellent thing if all the smaller laund ; and, i ries were closed to-morrow, whereupon the ladies habi- tually emvloyed in these places cheer him tily. A (inumen-tenee Speaker, It’s all very well for you to come ’ere and protest against the la workin’ too long hours, but I tell yer this—it’s yer own fault, it’s the Pablic’s fault. You will ’ave yer clean shirte and collars sent ’ome every week! (Several of the unwashed betray that this myself |”? thrust has gone home.) A fortnight ain’t a? a bit too long to wait for your linen! (Una- nimous and hearty assent by people in dingy flannels.) And if some o’ these swells and aristocrats weren’t so ler, and didn’t Mrs. Jixnineas, along with the toffs! I want to’ear Mrs. Jinnines [ Chorus reement ; sudd opularity—e tally, oddly enough, con Nar i . - - I shall now ask you to listen to a speaker—Mrs. c hn = dee Pomeas the crowd FFIN —who and she will tell you, I work, had several years’ practical experience of laundry- am sure, what the Sesdehine a2 | injustices are which we are trying to put an end to. (Mrs. Gorrin, a stout, red-faced dence, amidst roars of laug confi ** Don't forgit to send my shirt home next week!” &c., | girl!” and tram of refi 7. The female in the ciowd repeats her prefe: ence for Mrs. | INNINGS’ oratory; a string of factory -girle,in high-feathered hats, having just e\bowed thew way into the desire to *‘get a breath wo’ air somew raulery—a auci*le. side, ’c are! ( body. three or four, as was la Lad; ‘er which Mrs. Gorrin’s voice becomes Mrs. Goffin. Why, I’ve been and spoke to hover forty Members 0’ Parlyment on the subjeck myself, I ave, and they was all on our ers—and you know what they he crowd expresses hearty disa One on ’em s¢z to me, “* My throng, suddenly c a here,” and accordingly push their i out again with a Parthian discharge mounts the seat with a cheery | hier, and shouts of “* Go it, oval of the Profession as a women, I’m against ’aving the Fectory Acts. I’m all for free om, I am!” **So am J all for | with lighthearted young laundresses — of persons in whose collars are at all aggressive in thew cleanliness ; universal Seeling that the blame has been fitted upon the right shoulders at last. More speeches ; simultaneous passingof Resolution ; the Pro- erssions march away with colours flying and bands playing, and, if they have succeeded in the true interests of t no one will be more gra’ified than their friend, Mr, Punch, Joseph's Joust. [Mr. Cuampertarn, from the study of « certain “Liberal Leaflet” triumphantly draws the large conclusion that the Gladstonians have ‘‘ dropped Home Rule.’’) To “ride the high horse,” my brave Brammagem boy, Is doubtless, to you, a delight and a joy ; Bat little avails that equestrian quest, If the fruit of your ride is the merest “‘mare’s nest.” APPROPRIATE FoR THE Suttey Summex Weatuen.—The revival of Drink at Drary Lane. It ought to be “iced drink.” VOL, ©. DD a ee A RAN, aI ee) Pie ION ig LIE 5 —

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a vost | [June 27, 1891. 303 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “PALMAM QUI MERUIT, FERAT!” “ It takes time to get over euch journeys and such experiences.”—Mrs. Grimwood on her Manipur adventures. Mr. Porwcna, loquitur :— Tave, Madam, and tasteless would be the intrusion That tactlessly took no acoount of the time The praises of Britons are yours, in : The blame for a blunder, the judg- ment for crime, Let Statesmen ap- portion ; all know where the Honour In Manipur’s ill- managed business is due; And Punch, whore delight isof praise to be donor, Without hesitation awards it to you / The terrible tale of that sudden isaster =75 = ST Is vivid in memory, We know how a tender - souled woman could Tho anguish of 0 horror, the tremor of fear. That short brave de- fence will long live in our story, That long dread- ful maroh Eng- land will not for- get ; Though womanhood finds little comfort in glory, For hearts that are aching and eyes that are wet. S_] S ~S : : SAS 4, . =~ Enough for to-day! When slow ine has brought hea! - ing. The tale of those hours by your lips may be told. But proud admira- co scarce rook concealing, And Punch to express it is H courteo 5 e speaks for a England. For womanly valour : We men have not shaped the right guerdon,—our loss | A brave woman’s heart flushing red o’er fear’s pallor, Deserves — what “Ter acquaint- ance,” chasrentt Coun- sel. in arecent Breach of Promise Case, “* be- gan ina’bus.” This may have been an error of expression, or a misprint, as ** be with a buss” would have been more likely. AnoTuer JusILez! —The Jubilee of the Coox Tourist System will be celebrated July 22nd by a Banquet at the Métropole. The dinner ought to te Al with such a Coox. SUMMERY MUMMERY. I po not know how long the Summer Season at Terxy's, now bein carried on by Mr. Geonce Epwaxpegs, is to last, but with a little dexterous ~y me there is no reason why this excellent form of entertainment should not go om all the year round. At 8 there is Lancastire Sailor, by Baanpow Tomas, which I didn’t see; bat have heard a first-rate report of it from those who have, and who *‘know.” It might occasionally change places with A Commission. However, this is but a suggestion, as both the pieces I saw the other night will bear a second visit. A Commission is a short one-act piece, with a sufficiently good plot, and every part in it a character, except ‘‘ Parker, the Maid” —and here let me enter a against the further use of “Parker” as the name of a y’s-maid in farce or comedy. Pancer is played out. Let her be united to ‘* Curves, his Friend,” and let both ep joy their well-earned retirement from the stage. Miss Lity Hanecar plays * Mrs. Hemmersiey, a rich young widow,” which cannot be deseribed as ‘‘a poor part.” With this Lity, who looks rich and is beautiful, the poor artist—a very poor artist—one Marshaii (without a Christian name in the bill, so why | the not Snelgrove Marshall?) well Pm oa by Dr. Forses Dawson, falls desperately in love. Wxepon GrossmirH is very good as the servant most better as the servant than as the author of the piece, and that’s saying a good deal. The Pantomime Rehearsal is eminently funny ; especially the first soene between the four men, Messrs. Ecuior, Danemons, GRrossmira, and Baaxpuw CuHomas. As for the last-mentioned, it te well worth & visit to this theatre to see Mr. Baanpon Txomas in two pi first as the Model, and then asthe Heavy Swell. It isa strong ing tosay, but I can call to mind no actor on the stage at the nt moment who could in two different characters on the same night so completely and absolutely lose his identity,—for voice, manner, action, and of course appearance are all utterly changed,—as does Mr. Branpon Tomas as (/loucester the Model, and as Captain Tom Robinson. All the ladies are good. Miss Hetewa Dacagr looks magnificent. Then Miss Kporra Cuester combines prettiness with fun, and the duet between her and clever Miss Lavra Linpen is enthusiastically encored—and deservedly so, for it is seldom that two young actresses will ** f° in” for a real genuine bit of nonsensical burlesque, and win. In fact it is all good, ‘‘ and if our friends in front” accept my tip, they will not find a more ‘‘summery’’ form of entertain-~ ment than at Mr. Epwarpes’ Terry’s Theatre, JAack-IN-THE- Box. HOW IT HAPPENED; Or, Many a Tru‘ro) Word said in Jest. ** Anp the See of Truro, your Gracious Masesty?” asked Lord Satispury, as he was packing up his portfolio, previous to leaving Presence. **ah!” said the Quesn, ‘‘ for the moment I had forgot ””—— ** Qaite so, your Masesty, if you will graciously sonien the inter- ruption,” put in the Paemier—‘‘ that’s the very person I would 4 _ I mention a name?” inquired the Quees, somewhat puzzled. * Your Masesty,” replied the noble Earl, “‘ observed that ‘ you had forgot.’ I would suggest that the Bishopric of Truro should be for Gort,” Of course it was at once settled, and a congé d’élire issued.

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@- Pai & wrens - @ -

Jonz 27, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 303

ETON JUBILEE CURIOSITIES. [If the following have been omitted from the Catalogue, ~ A visitor to Eton is en- titled to call on the Provost, Fellows, and Head Master, and ask for an explanation. ] 1, ** I’m Monarch o patti lh copy 0: sun, First Eton Ten-oas, d ery Cross Also as sh —— of SugLy Hatt himself. 3. A Night on the Brocas.” Old poem, sup- curious mistake of Gortur’s, probably due to his not having been edu- cated at Eton. 4. The original ‘* fanny” owned by Master Josspu M supposed to have provided him with the notion for his first jest. *,” Also the original jest itself, bottled in high spirits, and in a fair state of preservation, As y as can be deciphered, the legend is something about oe an ‘ hy Ty an oars- man,” and ‘“‘ feathering a seull,” or ** skull,” 5. A dissertation on the text that “‘The weak- est goes to the Wall,’ showing how this proverb has been for many years pny =f ene not y in theory but in prac- tice during the Foot-ball

aes FLOREAT ETONA! Mr. Punch (to King Henry's “' holy shade"), ‘‘ ConGRATULATIONS, YouR J&STY, ON THE 400rH ANNIVERSARY |”

time ; & bees “* Eton fe stronges who invariably go to ‘the Wall.” an finely ptlee- on a ng Pine paaet ie of Arthur.” e picture shows the Masters on the bank at Cuckoo in a punt shiveringly awaiting age to jamp in again and swim the re tion distance. From the title, it may be taken for granted that this Anruvur did “ pass” afterall. Poor little chap ! 7. “* Going a Crop off the Acropperlis er Athens.” Another bathing subject —unsigned. Momus on Manipur. Sentiment, Gonst, to your stern soul, May seem a “ Simple Simon ;”” But 7, eae be a cheaper ro "Tis that of twopenny Timon ! Twix Morro. —‘* You mustn't speak to the Man at the Wheel” has become a proverbial ex ion. It stood alone. 7 ow it — a com ; it comes from the hand of A Master.” Itis, ‘* You must not speak to the Gentlemen of the Jury.” The exceptions which prove this rule are in favour of the Judge, the the Clerk, and the

THE LOST SERGEANT. [In a recent case before Mr. Justice Cuitry, a doubt was expressed as to whether there was still such an officer as the Sergeant-at-Arms attending Courts, His services had not been required since 1879. After some inquiry, however, he was discovered. ] Sernceant-at- Arms, where wert thou? Haply pensioned In some remote and solitary spot ; By lips judicial never even Far from thy kind in some provincial village, Didst thou devote thy hoary age to tillage? Didst thou, perchance to lower heights de- Lately, as busman, strike for higher pay ? Or, to the lash of fate thy soul resigning, Wear a red cap and drive a brewer's ray ? Or didst thou on a bansom seek to fleece men, And scorn the fair, and battle with policemen ? Or, didst thou play (as often I have seen a usician play in snow, or sleet, or rain) The cornet or ex ive concertina Outside a public-house, and all in vain ? Music Mr. ALFRED Avustix, Or make a trifle mystically large, Like Swinnonneg, round whose verse the fog Just in proportion as his lines are longer ? Whate’er thou didst, where'er thou wert, we found thee. ** Behold!” »we cried, “‘the Sergeant re- Let not our welcome overmuch astound thee, Whom we have missed through twelve unh ears. Restored at length to England, home, and Sengeanh-ot-Aame advance, and do thy duty!

Tue ’Bus Strike being at an end, the news- pa will discontinue writing de Omnibus oy and must employ themselves upon quibusdam alts, “‘Josr a Gorn’ to Beatw.”—The Fourth Centenary of the Foundation of Eton College

is the Festival of the First Saint’ Enery.

eee

hea adage SONI

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304 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {June 27, 1891. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, June 15.—Ricuarp CaamMpeRtain back to-night, after long absence. Been up the Nile, calling on Procemy and Pmsxaon, and visiting scenes connected with the early life of Brother Josern. Much enjoyed the trip; entered House to-night full of life and energy ; suddenly pulled up; hair rose; flesh crept; blood chilled. Wasit true? Could it be possible? Yes; no doubt about it. There Kk Y was Prince Antucr still lounging on Treasury £ Bench with Mappew in reserve. About a score of Members present, including Wiepsac Sexton, looking on with his irritating smile of supreme superiority, whilet Sacer of Queen Annes Gate moved rejection of Irish Land Purchase Bill. !” exelaimed Brother Dicx, his hair isi when I was here last, weeks and months ago, they were discussing Irish Land Bill; Prince AnTuvR sprawled on Treasury Bench; Laney was denouncing the Bill as pernicious ; and Sexton, having just sat down and just going to follow, looked on with sort of pitying ion of other people who assumed to w anything of the Bill. Do I dream, or are there visions about ? Think I’ll go and pinch Jxssx Cottives, and see if I’m awake.” Yes ; wide awake; no mistake about the situa- tion ; still harping on the Irish Land Bill; buat, thank a merciful Providence, this is the last night. Jous Morusy, who never shrinks from call of duty, rises, and makes one of those formal, offi sial, somewhat tiresome protests, recapitulating ob- jections which everyone only too familiar with through this gruesome spring and saddened sum- mer. Then Sace or Queen Anne's Gate cracks a few jokes; Morton appears on scene; attempt aA | made to Count Oat; talk kept going through Va dinner hour. At eleven o'clock Prince AxTHuR rises ; benches fill up; then, when everyone read Brother kk. for Division, strangers in Gallery startled by mighty roar of execra- tion ; looking round with startled gaze in search of explanation, discover at corner-seat below Gangway a re u on supernaturally high-heeled boots, with trousers tightly drawn to display proportions of limbs that would have made Sim Tappertit green with envy; a black frock coat, buff waistcoat, coloured tie, a high collar, a wizened countenance, just now wrinkled with spasmodic contortion. kindly meant for an ingratiating smile. This is Seymove Keay. House may roar at him as the dog that crosses the Epsom Course when the bell rings for the Derby is led at. He has, in return for the contumely, only a smile, a deprecatory wave of the hand and 29m, House up the roar; Keay waves his ringed hand, s pleasantly at the Speaker, and at any- Sieg sppecediing a lall, shouts half a sentence at top of his voice. For ten minutes contest continued. Then Sreaxen rises; Keay sits down, glad of interval of rest, and hopeful that Srxakex is about to rebuke his interrupters. ** The question is,” said the Srzaxer, ‘‘ that this Bill be now read a Third Time.” Before Keay realised situation, House is cleared for Division, and his == * pe on Land Parchase Bil! remains unspoken. Business done.—Irish Land Bill read a Third Time by 225 votes against 96. Tuesday.—Gorst gave House to-night thorough surpri The Squree of MaLwoop brought on Manipur business ; aval Resolution asking for more papers. Incidentally indicted the Government at home and in India. Gorst put up to reply. An average Minister would have made an ordinary speech ; Gorst's reply accepted by common consent as the most extraordinary ever heard from the Treasury Bench since Dizzy left it. Instead of evading respon- sibilities, colouring facts, — & Ministers usually do when in a fix, Gonst simply, boldly, cynically, told the truth. The SeNnAPATTI of Mawreur was an ambitious, capable, popular man who might breed mischief for the rule of the Empressof Inp1a. So the Sewapatri must be got rid of at earliest possible moment, and in most absolutely complete fashion. Arbitrary this; tyrannical perhaps; ast —— - None of Gorst’s business to defend or extenuate Ps All e coal tay was it is not a new thing; done wherever British flag waves under foreign skies ; in New Z with the Maori King; in South Africa with Cerxwaro; in Egypt with Anni; in the Soudan with Zeneur. ‘‘In India,” said Gonsr, leaning his elbow lightly on the table, “‘they have always hated and discouraged independent and original talent ; always loved and promoted mediocrity.” As he finished this and sal , Gorsr looked up at the Peers’ , where sat hi , Graxp C successor of Cvs in the Government of India. His glance travelled downward, till it rested on the Treasury Bench, and fell gently on the figure of Otp Moratiry. How Dizzy would have delighted in this speech, with this last exquisite touch! The Squire of Matwoop, in his secret breast, not less appreciative; but debate must be kept up, and he joined in the hue and cry with which Mediocrity resented this fresh and original way of treating things. Even Campnett-Banwermaw shook his head. ‘It is brilliant,” he said, ** but it is not discretion.” Business done.— A good deal. Thursday.—Government met with awkward defeat on Factories Bill. Not quite certain to whom they chiefly owe it, whether to Gorst or Matruzws. Question arose on Sypyey Buxton’s Amend- ment, raising the age of child-labourers to a minimum of eleven years. Debate lasted all night; a pleasant contrast to the unreality of Irish Debate; Benches crowded ; audience interested; s practical ; Goust in attendance, though doubtfal whether he would speak. Usually sits in modest retirement under shadow of Srraxsn’s Chair. To-night marked slight difference of opinion from his colleagues by taking up corner-seat on Treasury Bench by Gangway, quite out of reach of hand-shake from Home Szcretary. Munpetta, longing to be at Matruews, pew, on Front Opposition Bench; Marruews, earnestly desiring collision with UNDELLA, lingered the long night through on Treasury Bench. At last dragged into arena by Jonn Mortezy. i y conscious of Gorst on his right hand. Why couldn’t he go away? Why sit there smiling when Marruews fioundered, and why tarn over the fees of the Blue Book with such subtle air of contradiction when TTHEWs quoted from proceedings of Berlin Conference ? As midnight drew on, ex- citement increased. Uncer- tain how Division would go. Rumours of possible defeat of the Government; AKExs- Doveias moving about smil- ing; therefore all must be well. ouse surging with excitement ; movement to and fro; a buzz of conversation rising above the voice of Member addressing the Chair. Only one placid figure under the glass roof. Seated in side Gallery facing Treasury Bench was J. 8. Batrour; (no rela- tion of Prince AnTHUR’s, bien entendu) Question put; Di- vision bell rang; the bustle of eight hundred departing feet disturbed J. 8. B., and, stepping carefully down from the inconveniently high Bench, he walked out to take part in the Division. ** All very well, dear Tosy,” he said, ‘‘ talking about eleven being the age for half-timers. No Relation of Prince Arthur's. Eleven seems to me about the figure at which we should knock off here. When it gets on to twelve in this hot weather, I almost feel as if I could go to sleep.” Business done.—Sypnety Boxton’s Amendment to Factories Bill carried by 202 Votes against 186. Friday.— Question to-night, how would Government take their defeat of yesterday Soon settled; at earliest moment MaTtaews oe at table, announced that Government ‘‘ fully and cordi- ally” accepted decision of House. It was true that they had resisted, with fullest strength, Sypyxy Buxrton's proposal. He himeelf, in powerfal cy had demonstrated that, if Amendment were added to the Bill, the heavens would fall, and the British Empire would stagger to itsdoom. But that only his play; Gorsr really obliged to the House for beating them, and Clause would be added to Bill. Done accordingly. Report stage of Factories’ Bill run through, and Third Reading taken. fh Odd thing befell the universe last week. Happening to mention in this Diary Wooron Isaacson, Member for Tower Hamlets, the dissolute Artist drew fancy portrait of Lewis Isaacs, Member for Newington ; labelled it from Dod, ‘‘ A Progressive Conservative.” Oddly enough, both Isaacs and Isaacson write themselves down in Dod ‘A Progressive Conservative.” So our Artist (occasionally quite clear-headed), got mixed up with the family ; descended, so to speak, from Isaac to Isaacs son. Not quite sure towhich a is ue. Just as well to mention it, so that, when the New reads his Punch a century or two hence, he may have a clear con- ception of the actuality. Business done.—Quite a lot. More Rvusesraw Trnawny.—Punch is not admitted into Russia unless bound.

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Jone 27, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 305 “THE SHODKIN.” In a Jewieh divorce case it was alleged that the tioner and respondent been brought together by a “ Shodkin.’’ The Shodkin, it was explained, was a person who brought about marriages between members of the Jewish community, and was paid a fee by one or both the parties.) “ I thank thee, Jew, for teaching me that word.”’—Merchant of Venice. “Give me new rhymes,” the poet | We live by verse, and how shall cries, we — Rs another rhyme for) This Hebrew middle-man dis. in,’” parage, And here comes dropping from the To whom religion grants a fee, ot ‘ st Paid by in silles, for making at comfortable word, ‘ marriage! Shodkin.” Nay, Jew, we thank thee for the Long have I racked my brain for word, hymes, For Fate two Jews might haply I tried to in Mr. Gopx ur ; ; sever On Friday last I read my Times, |The busy Shodkin comes as third, Eureka! down it goes—the And swiftly makes them one Shodkin. for ever, AN OPERATIC PUZZLE. og yy eet was ‘ ren *Oho!” says i oncitte proce on the Committee who doesn’t like action, require a lot of rehearsal, manage ment of a sword which is apt to be dangerous only to the wearer. and the carrying of'wex-lights, the «effect of which on his official Court dress may recall to the mind of the Operatic Manager the celebrated name of Grist. There was no one in authority to tell me anything about Mireille, and this is what I made out of the plot. Mireille, Miss Eames, charmin Coemapent, is a happy peasant oes, W ich, I hope, are as easy as apparently are her circum- stances. She is beloved by one Vincent, pronounced Van Song, a peasant of a rather Whitechapelish - costermon - anette ap- pearance, ut picturesque withal. They are engaged ; at least, if they are not they ought to be. Then comes a handsome elderly lady, dis- guised like a fairy godmother in a pantomime before she throws off her hood and an- nounces her real character, and this lady, called Taven in the bill, is Mile. Passasta, who sings a song about a papillon, for what particular reason I do not know, except to zigmee the audience, which it did, being enoored, and to puzzle Mireille in which it also succeeded, if might judge by Miss Eames’s expressive countenance. And here I must observe that I found my intimate acquaint- ance with the I'rench language The Wicked Vibrato Peasant with the © - 2 omy en IF oa ng ye: big Toasting-cum-Tuning-F ork. Jeames has it, “in excellent French,” and for some allusions to ‘‘ le papillon” just mentioned, and ‘‘et alors”—which didn’t help me much, even when given twice most dramatically by M. Isvanpon,—I couldn’t catch a single word, and as far as li went, it might have been, for me per- sonally, given in double- Dutch, or the dialect of a South-African tribe. On the of Taven,—([she didn’t take off her cloak, and wasn’t a fairy, which rather put me off the scent, I admit,)—in comes a gorgeous person, six feet high at least, and stout in propor- in beautiful little patent leather tion, who, as I gathered from the was Ourrias (what a name !), played by Signor Casta, jae sung with a kind of double vibrato stop in his organ, which seemed, when turned on full, to make the upper boxes quiver. Well, in he and tells Mireille something—what, I don’t know—but this is a the row began, as, in less than five minutes, two old men, one M, Iswaxpon, dramatic and in tune, and the other, not mentioned in my pro- gramme, and therefore wy oy somewhat out of tune, enter and commence a rumpus; what ifficulty was all about I am not clear, but the upshot was that man in i daughter, and the old man out of tune held back his son Vincent and prevented him from first aseaulting and then being assaulted by the irate Maitre fe, M. Iswanpon. The Chorus of nhappy Villagers forms End of Act the Second; in Act the First there was no action at all, and everything had gone off as pleasantly as possible, Then, in Act Ill, there is a sandy desert—where f—Egypt ? —Heaven, Avcusrus Haxais, and the scene- painter, only know—and here comes on a mighty illigant shepherd not to smoke— : : : i bebe: scene Mr. Ourrias had ved very badly in first losing his - per, oe then sticking 26 poor Vincent Lubert, w : : behind a rock, presumably desd. The Seer on. — The golf-ground is cleared off, and ; we are back again in front of the village church. But at this moment a person, who knew all about it, whispered, ‘‘If you want to get your cab, and escape the crush, now’s the time, as the Opera is just over.” So I hurried off, to this moment I haven’t the faintest idea how it all ended, and I don’t quite understand how it began. However, I have pag inguenmene, confused probably, but—the music is very pretty, and Miss Eamus very charming. PARENTAL AUTHORITY. Typical British Father (according to the Home seeeryh Now, come, Jane and Jim, bundle up to your work. Look sharp Government Inspector. No, Mr. Sixes, I think not. Your youngsters have not touched eleven yet. Typical British Father. But they’re over ten. Government Inspector. That don’t matter. The age is altered. You’ll just send your young kids back to the Board School again. Typical British Father. Well, I call it downright robbery. Why they supports me, they do; and what more fitter work can you fin for the kids, but to oy their parients with the sweat of their brow. Why, I thought ’Ome Secretary was all on our side. Government Inspector. a. ’s been beat, that’s all. The country don’t see the fun of ing children of tender years away from their proper training, to wear out their y bodies and poison their young systems in beastly close, ill-ven' work-rooms, and {| all just to bring in an extra bit of money to enable their parents, like you, to laze and loaf af home, and, maybe, d their hardly- earned wage on drink. However, oul have to dock it, Mr. Sixxs. Typical British Father, Well, I call it downright bioomin’ rob- bery. It’s more. It’s a invasion of the sacred rights of the British working man’s domestic home. It’s a infringement of the liberty of the subject, that’s wot it is, It’s a teaching the young ‘uns rebellion against their natural protectors. It’s a bloomin’ shame ! [Government Inspector leads them off delighted, Typical British Father left swearing. Unserrisn Her sy Suires.—* Dr. Quamn’s advice to doctors,” says Mr. James Parw in the Illustrated London News, *‘ always ‘to look cheeful,’ ought to be written in letters of gold.” 8o it is: in notes, or cheques. When the eminent novelist send for Dr. to Quvarm, the latter will beam on him, and tell him a good story. The | labour he delights in will ‘‘ physic Parw,” Nei aA beer seg ee a yer Fd

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es E _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jone 27, 1891. THE EGOISM OF GENIUS. Fond Mother. “ Dow’? You WANT To sxz THE Evaniva Parzrs, Mortimer!” Minimus Poet. ‘' WaY, 8 THERES ANYTHING ABOUT Ms In THEM!” Minimus Poet (pettishly), ‘‘Gooo Hzavens, Morusr, THEN WHAT ON EARTH SHOULD I WANT TO SEZ THEM FOR!” - Fond Mother. ‘‘Nor taat I xnow or, Darina,” POLITICAL ASIDES; Ox, Taure in PARENTHESES, (Very freely adapted from Taomas Hoop.) Fond Mother. I really take it vastly kind, creature! This visit, my dear A family likeness here you ’ll find. (Like hers? Not in one feature!) Friendly Visiter. Only too happy, I am sure, To see the little darling, Our family friendships are so pure ! (They find effect in snarling.) Fond Mother. Well, dear, with your ex- perience, Your aid must be of value, You 've not yet given its help immense. (Nor, if I know it, shalé you !) Friendly Visitor, Ah! Good Nurse G-scu-n, That you the babe are dandling? at you the are Soest - Samqened child and strong, no oubt ! (The brat wants careful handling.) Fond ster, G-scu-y and D-xx are both at and, But I’m so proud to show it. The weakness you will understand (Envious, and knows I know it !) Friendly Visiter. Mothers must be as vigi- t As—say ’Bus-strikers’ pickets. It cries, dear! What does baby want? (Half-starved, and has the rickets !) Fond Mother. Which, think you, the best Infant’s Food You see there are so many ; I know your j ent is so good | (Not worth a single penny ') Friendly Visitor. _ dear, don’t swaddle it too That ruins the digestion, (right. And—Forster’s Food I've found work (She'll relish that suggestion ! Fond fe. Hough! Rather out of date, ear You ’ve slight experience—/ately— Next time nurse you'll know, my (She ’ll like that home-thrust greatly /) Friendly Visitor. Your nursing, dear, of U —- Manual m 4 The child looks rayther peaky -faced. (Not quite a hardy annual ') Fond Mother. Think so? Look up, and » my sweet, Show Nana she’s mistaken— It quite begins to “* feel its feet.” (With spite her soul is shaken !) Y Visitor. I understand your family “The Changeling.” Why so? ily li all must see. (It equints with the left eye so !) Fond Mother. Oh! there are always some cross In F Party. Your monet heart bad felt such stings ! (She'll think of Joz and Harr !) Friendly Visitor. Well, well, with my advice, And lots of Liberal Tonic, {my dear, Your child we possibly may rear. (That’s one for Old Sardonic !) Fond at Oh! really you are quite too in Your own “‘ Home-Rale Elixir” Unfailing for your babes you find ?. (Fancy that dart will fix her !) Friendly Visitor. You see we breed, and nurse, our own ; We do not steal or borrow. However, dear, I must be gone, (To again to-morrow !) Fond Mother. What! must you go? Nixt, time no doubt, You’ll give more Liberal measure. Narse G. shall see you safely out, (With most particular pleasure !) Friendly, Tite. Don’t trouble, dear! The pull And, bid them call my cabby ! Good bye! The Babe’s be-you-ti-ful ! (A Flabby, Dabby, Babby ! ! ') About the Last of It. Dear Ma. Powca,—Would you kindly suggest to Mr. CatpeRon, in the interest of Historical and religious Art, that he should give us for next year’s Academy, as com- panion-picture to his ‘‘ St, ” “ Care dinal Wolsev, in his old age, le to his enemies,””—Y ours, artfully, A SHAKSPeaRIAN Reaper, sur wo Latow ScHoLaR.

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—— ss — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—June 27, 1891. A WM 04 wuauny , YU RG Yi NW AG y; jis | Ma iY | N A PARLIAMENTARY ASIDE. Farenpty Vistror (effusively). “IT IS INDEED A BE-UTIFUL CHE-ILD! (Aside) FLABBY, DABBY BABBY!!" —_—_—___-— -- a

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Jexu 27, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 309 “KNOWLEDGE IS INVALUABLE!” Scenze—Royal Commission of the Future. Commissioners present, | Last Witness under examination, Chairman.” And now, my lad, you have learned everything. ee (modestly). ad my Lord and Gentlemen, up to a certain poin Chairman. Quite so—you have, generally speaking, an education rather better than an ontlene City Gierk ? , Witness (in the same modest fone. So I am given to understand. Chairman. What is your father Witness. An artisan. But pardon me, I think I can anticipate | and answer the next question. I am entirely unfit to follow my parent’s calling—physically and morally. y frame has been weakened by study, and my education prevents—. Chairman (interrupting). Just so. e can hardly expect a lad of fourteen who is good enough to floor the London matriculation |men” of nursery history, ’ycl Brerreton—the last pair seeming to come in like the ‘‘ two pretty **Rosrw and Ricwarp.” The t organ cannot be played wi t Eyre and bellows. The Con- uctor to the musical omnibus is Avever Manns, or more appro- iately, June Manns, Motto.—‘'Manns wants but little here low, but he wants that ey vy lt ~- ”—and more than it is safe to be in the hands of the uctor whose name is indica- tive of quantity and quality. Salvete, Homines ! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tue Baron is getting along with Groner Menepita’s One of Our Conquerors. Within the last three weeks he has already reached p. 94 of Vol. I1., and here the weather, having suddenly become tropical, the Baron felt that his mighty brain *‘ whirled, swam to a giddiness, and subsided.” He has been stopped occasionally en route; he had come into view of “‘ the diminutwe marbie cavalier o ~ the infantile cerebel- taking to bricklaying? — (Murmurs of general yy PeTRETECRETUPOEPRUTERR DROME OTUOETOATONI VCO TUIO nih | lum.”’ Then he re- assent.) Well, my boy, (IN \ have you tried to aly AMIN a clerkship ? > HH isi} m9 _ Witness. Alas! yes, TAIL “™™" WORLD indeed I have, my va AH Lord and Gentlemen. Ay lh ff i UA it AB | et | ty , i piney / ployment, but without Chai ( airman (sympa- thetically). Dear me! Ve ! But come, my lad, we have given you something more an ordinary com- mercial education — you have acquired accomplishments. Witness. Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen ; but, believe me, they are valueless. I sm an excellent violinist, but there is no room for me at the theatres. It is true I might, by paying my footing, secure a place in a strolling band, con- sisting of a harp and a cornet, but I have conscientious scruples against earnings gained at the doors of 1, th a public-house, Chairman. Cer - tainly. Besides, I A SCIENTIFIC fancy you make too Hlltin traced his steps, puz- || At zled a bit, but after a } **modest quencher ” 1 Swivellerian libation, Hh he hit upon a jumi- nous which warned him ** in plain speech” —and whose is plainerthan Grouce Menrxpirn's ?—‘* that the Bacchus of aus- picious birth wmduces ever to the worship o the loftier Deities.” Excellent i’ faith! And then the Baron smole, as one who is interiorly enlightened smileth as he read, ‘* Forbear to come hauling up examples of malarious men’'— (** * malarious men’ is eal quoth the “eng — the these pourings of the olden rete of life ced fogs; and be moved, since you are scarcely under an obla- gation to hunt the | meaning’’—(here the Baron wondered within himself. Was he under an obligation or not? In foro con- scientia the case was set down for that im- mortal date, ‘ Z7o- CENTENARY. light of the difficul- Faraday (returned), ‘‘ Wait, Miss Scrence, I HEARTILY CONGRATULATE YOU ; YOU HAVE morrow" )—"* in toler- of securing sucha position. A Witness, euneet who gave very much the same evidence as yourself, declared it was impossible to gain admission even toa German Band. But you have | learned drawing ? ’ Witness. Yes; but I find the accomplishment valueless as a bread-winner. { would do pastels on the flag-stones were not the this i line greatly in excess of the demand. Besides, the police move them on. Chairman, Well, my lad, what can you do for yourself ? Witness. Nothing ; and consequently, my and Gentlemen, I | hope you will do something for me. f Chairman ( consultation with his colleagues). As you have) been educated im de a point rendering you valueless at fourteen, we have muc in recommending that your studies be | continued until your education will be equally valueless at nineteen. | If this scheme does nothing else, it will keep you employed for the next five years! [Scene closes in upon the Report. | | | ORATORIO, AS HANDLED AT THE CP. Tue Tenth Triennial Handel Festival. Programme extends over | days, Monday, to-day the 24th, and Friday the 26th. The e@ ALBANI, Miss Manian McKenzie, Mesers. | Santiey, Epwarp Luoyp, Barton McGucxis, Brinson, and MADE MARVELLOUS ProGREss sINCE MY TimzE!” ance of sume dithy- ne ——rambice inebriety of narration (quiverings of the reverent pen) when we find ourselves entering the circle of a most magnetic ity.” Here the Baron paused, Somehow, in his search after truth, he had fallen down some seventy pages, and was on his back again at p. 33, Vol. I. Refreshment was necessary. Iced. Also a Nicotinian sacrifice, as of primitive rp when heifers adorned, not altars, but weeds, vegetables, and early produce only. Smokeamus! Veni, vidi, visky / |’Fore Gzorce! Your health and novel! Tux Baron ve Boox-Woxrms, “AS EASY AS A B C.” Witness of the Labour Commission (under examination). Yes, I think that employers should be forced by law to give in to their men, Question. But should this lead to bankru , what then ? Witness. Bankruptoy should be legally abolished. Question. Bhould employers have no to pay the employed ? Witness. That duty should be discharged by the Government. Question. But how should the loss be supplied—by the imposition of new taxes ? Witness. Certainly not. Taxation should be entirely abolished. Questiom. Then how could your scheme be carried out ? Witness PP ek pee Lo That is a matter I leave entirely to the discretion of the Government. ite: , eae cantentes ls Aa AT RINE et cy hie eae, ET Wicgageeot sree — stile eet sia are gia a ak

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[Jowe 27, 1891. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL AY i] at) ee Hye ry ¥ iu a 7 Ms is lw: A as it HORATIO LARKINS VISITS THE NAVAL EXHIBITION. SP NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by o Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or there will be no exceptica.

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|_ toms 27, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A BC of Ibsenity (The), 289 Abont the Court, 147 Accident on the Ice, 85 Acting—on a Suggestion, 120 Ad Child (The), 222 “ Advance, Australia!” 126, 2¢8 All Adrift ; or, Three Men in a Punt, 270 Among the Immortals. 217 Amusing Rattle’s Note-Book for 1£91 (The), ~! ~ a Another's, Another Telephone Suggestion, 150 Appropriute, poser, 65 Artist and a Whistler (An), 72 “ As Easy as A BC,” Athletics, 123 At the End of the Year, 9, = Auditors in Wonderland, 15 Baccus —* or, The Triumph of Sobriety, 203 Beconian Theory (A), 210 Ber Bared 0 “ Beroofen |” 281 “ Better Late than Never!” 71, 157 Bitter Cry of Outcast Sa, 255 Blendel a to Date, 144 “ Blood” v. “ Bullion,” Boat-Race Ten Years tence (The), 137 Burns versus Burns, 26 *Busmen’s Alphabet (The), 287 "Bus 'Oss's Mems (A), 289 By a Tired a Cynical Critic of Current Cana Man = nis ite 200 + m Candour in Canine Confidences. tee nes)did Confession (A), 78 nay ioe Forecast, 51 Chambers in Bt in St. James's Street, 120 Shillings, 246 for -five of Initials, 45 Church and Stage, 125 Civil Service Note, 96 Codlingsby Junior, 2°7 Coliseum—at Chicago (The). 275 Columbia on her Sparrow, 74 ous Dress, 195 Coming Meeting ( (A), 39 Compensation, Competition in the Future, 2°6 Complaint of the Census (A), 177 Composer Coming (The), 21 Coriolanus, 102 Court Cold! 158 Coy Colossus (A), 299 Criticising the Calendar, 168 Crummles Redivivus ! 61 Carate to his Slippers (The), 24 Dancrxc-on-Notaine Girl (A), 141 Dante not “ in it.” 159 Day in the Law Courts (A), 279 Dead Frost (A), 71 Dearness and Dearth, 62 a to the Author of “ Dorian ray,” 123 Diary = an Old ne the), 180 Diary of Dover (A), Disclaimer (A), me Disinfecting the Wigs, 2) Dis-Order of the Day tthe), 251 Domestic Melodies, 45 Drama Then and Now (The), 267 Dramatic Illustration of an Advertise- ment, 105 Madn 66 Druriolanus and Dancing, 81 Dumas Up to Army Estimates’ Date, 105 Eart Granville, 1:9 Early Closing = 215 Edwin and oo a Be =a aM Dog ( (An), 63 of Parliament. 4 71, £8, 95, 107, Oe 131, 148, 155, 168, 191, 204, 216, 225, ’ 251, ” 975, 287, 299, , Ethics of Match-Boxes (The), 89 Eton Jubilee Curiosities, 208 Evenings from Home, 245 Explanations 4 la Mode, 292 Extract the Report of the G. O. M.'s Birthday 8 h at Hawarden, 86 * Pactra non Verba; or, Pierrot in Lon- don, 179 Fair Exchange (A), 174 Familiarity breeds Respect, 243 Fascination | 158 Fashion's Floralia, 21 Féte or Fate? 129 ro 182 First Visit to the “ Naveries” ra * Flat, Un table,” 156 Funeral ), 99 —_—— that Bloom, tra-la!” (The), 41 For Better or Worse ! 57, 201 Forecast for 1891 (A), 5 Freezing Point (A), 59 Friend of Ireland and the Wordy Knife- Grinder (The), 50 Friend of Labour (The), 1*3 Frieze of the Parthenon (The), 60 From Our Musical Box, 51 Fruit of the Seasion (The), 294 Game of Peace (The), 40 Garden of Sleep (The), £06 **General Election Stakes,” 25% General of the Futare (The), 800 General View of “ Private Inquiry“ (A), 48 Geographical, 254 Giving a Lodger Notice to Quit, 131 Good Devon ! 45 “Good Little ‘Un is better than a Bad Big "Un (A), 110 Goschen cum Dig.; or, The (far from) Dying Swan, 146 G. P. O. Cuckoo (The), 145 Grand Old Wetterun (A), 149 Great Disappointment, 17 Great Whaling Expedition (The), 114 ‘“* Grey Apes of Age,” 288 Hactovoorca and Historical Note, 43 Hands as they are Shook, 153 “Happy New Year!” (A), 6 Happy Prospect, 120 Hearthily Welcome, 163 Heinrich Schliemann, 15 “ Here we are Again |" 74 Hero's Common a Diary (The), 2 Herrick Up to Date, 1 Highest Education (The), 81 ired Priest” (The), 288 History and Art, 24 Homage to Sir James Hannen, 60 “ Honours Easy |” 28 How it Happened, 802 How it's Done, 88 How Long? 29 Humour o't ! (The), 219 Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner (The), 90 Hymen and Capid, 210 Jaco on the Great Sermon Question, 121 I'd be a Criminal, 86 Ignotus, 178 In a Maze, 246 In a Lock.—A Whitsuntide Warble, 251 Information required, 5 In-Kerrect Kerr, 198 In the Latest Style, 11 In Memoriam, 65, 189 In Memoriam—* Old To-morrow,” 269 In re the Influenza. 252 In their Easter Eggs, 165 “In the Name of the Law — Photo- graphs |" 145 Invective of H-re-rt (The), 182 Irish Diamond (An), 179 Jack's Appeal, 53 Jokim and John, 218 Jokim the Celisrer ; or, The Blend, 231 Jokin's Latest, 167 Jolly Young Waterman (The), 149 Junius Judex, 7 “ Keep your "all on!” 137 Kensington Correspondence, 153 Kensi Gardens Small Talk, 129 Kept in the Stable, - Key to a Lock (The), Key to the ent Heraldic Device, £48 King Jobn at Oxford, 93 King Stork and King Log, 184 Knowledge is Invaluable, 809 Koch Sure! 42 Lasours for Lent, 78 Land and Brain, 166 “La wt 19 Larks Last cS (The), 28 Latest in Fen ay (The), 117 Latest “ Labor Program ” (The), 249 Launce in London, 14 Leaves from a Candidate's Diary, 167, 171, 181, 208, 205, 228, 233, 249, 26), 268, 280, 2g Legal Maxims, 116 Le Prince s amuse, 297 Lights o’ London (The), 87 Listening to the Gentle Kooen, 101 Lost in the Mist of Ages, 21 Lost Sergeant (The), 808 Macazine Manners, 177 Men who have taken Me in—to Dinner, 105, 129, 166 a ‘Suggestion for Next a (A), 148 Merry Green Wood (The), 16 Micky Free in Paris, }77 Mitred Misery, 20 Mixture as Before fore (The), 265 “ Model Husband " Contest, 61 Modern Brigand (The), 207 Modern , 18, 185, 196, Moi-Mem, 81 Moltke, 218 More wey O More K “ Mors et Vita,” 1 Mortuary, 293 Most A te, 39, 87 MP. Manned, MP. 9 Mr. Herkomer and Mr. Parnell, 207 Mr. Jonathan and Miss Sens ist Mr. Punch’s Pocket Ibeen, 1 167, 172, 184, 198, 208, 220, aah, Mr. Punch's Prize N Novels, He -, 57, 85, 100, 112, 169, 229, 244 Mr. Panch to Miss "Canada, 107 Mrs, Gingham on the Great ‘Bus Ques- tion, 297 Mrs. Grundy to Mr. Goschen, 99 Mesias! Notes, 217, 30 Theatrical, and Judicial, 288 aoe per Janus, oh, never look so 195, 198 than Halfpence, 1m New Tale of a Tub; or, The Not-at-Home and the Laundresses (The), 200 Nolens V 293 Not Caught Yet | 196

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312 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[Jone 27, 1891,

Note by a Nor ad, 81 - from & Nursery Garder 240 wr otes rote Royal Academy of 2001, 264 Noth ng like Discipline, 205 Wot Inside Oat, @ Or 262 “Odd Man Out,” 51 _ dle to Compensation ay — Mention him |" 148 Old Morality’s Christmas Cards and New Year Wishes, 6 Old Times Revived, Old Woman and her Water Supply, 81 Ollendorff in London, 160 One Pound Notes, 165 On the River, 289 Operatic Gossip, 27 Operatic Notes, 189, 197, 209, 221, 231, 256, 281 Operatic Puzzle (An), 305 Other Man (The), 20! Our Advertisers. 9, 69, 105 Our Booking-Office, 4, 17, 29, 41, €5, 77, £9, 101, 111, 124 141, 149, 161, 180, 191, 1o¢ 213, 221, 28, 245, 257, 276, 235, 208 Our Opening (Sun) Day | 167 Our Particular Tip comes off Rig cht, — Our Particular Tip for the Derby, Out of School, 108 Overheard at Earl's Court, 287 Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race, 156 * Parwam Qui Meruit, Perat |” 302 Panteomimic Reverie (A), 26 * Paper-Chase™ (The), 78 Par about Pictures, 90 Parental Authority, 906 Pars about Pictures, 4, 27 Party Peter Bell (The), 215 Paterfamilias on his Census Paper, 179 Penny for your Thoughts (A), 252 Pick of the Pictures (The). 227 Pink of Courtesy, and a True Blue, 95 Pint of Half-and-Half (A), 48 Pioneer in Pettieoats (A), 45 P aving Old Gooseberry at the Hay- narket, §2 laytime for a Doll's House, 65 Plea for the Cart-Horse Parade Society (A), 243 “ Picase give me a Penny, Sir,” 198 Polite Judgment. 21 Political Asides, 306 Polities Up to Date, 11 Presented at Court, 174 Private and Confidential, 150 “ Pro-digious !” 60 Proposed Old Etonian Banquet (The), 147 Proverbs pro Omnibus 293 Publisher and his Friends (A), 159 Queer Queries, 87, 98, 141, 156, 183, 195, 233, 263 Query by Ignoramns, 95 Question of the Knight, 105 “ Quite New and Original,” 113 Races Rex! 155 Recipe, 267 Remarkable Conversion, 63 Reminiscence of C. K. (A), 27 Repartee to a Spouse, 221 Return of the Wanderer (The), 192 Revelations of a Reveller, 129 Rights and Wrongs of Labour (The), 223

| Rights of Counsel (The), 167 Rival “ Jarvies " (The), 90 Robert at the Academy, 268 Robert at the Children’s Fancy Ball, 213 Robert at the Derby, 273 | Bebe rt on English and Foreign Waiters, Robe m on Skatin’, 57 Robert's Xmas Bankwet, 4 Rolling of the R's (The), 48 ** Rouge et Noir!” 64 Rough Crossing (A), 132 Bap Story, 721 Salisbury's Version, 261 | “Salvage Men ” (A), 61 Same Old Game (The), 108 Savoy Question (A), 215 School of Criticiem (A), 147 Seasonable Reply, 2! | Semi-Official Introduction, 21 | Serenade ; or, Over the Garden Wall, 86 Shadows from Mistletoe and Holly, 9 Shah (Lefevre) and the Sultan (The), 85 Shakspeare and the Unmusical Glasses, 113 Shelley Revised, 137 Shipping Intelligence, 114 *Shodkin " (The), # £ Show of the Old Masters at Burlington House, 15 Silent Shakepeare, )\7 Bomebody's Luggage Something in a Name, 12 Something like a Subscription, 49 Song of the Bacillus (The), 144 Songs by a Cynic, 129

Songs of the U nsentimentalist, 189, 1£5, 215 Sons of Britannia, 196 Sound and Safe, 145

South African Sentiment (A), 93 Specimens from Mr. Punch’s Scamp- Album, 77, +7, 121, 240 Still another Chapter of my Memoir, 47 “ Strait ” Tip (The), 39 Strange, but True, 71 Striking Intelligence, 291 Striking Times, 125 St. Valentine's Eve, “Such a Dawg!” 173 Sullivanhoe ! §, Summer ! 21 Summery Mummery, 302 “ Survival —. Vitiet,” 17, 78 “ Sweet Strife,” Sword versus om 191 TAKEN upon Trust, 161 Taking the Censns, 173 Talking by Time, 162 Ten Minutes’ Idy! (A), 165 “ That Con-foundland 1” 162 Theatrical Plunge ; or, a (A), 233 To a Debutante, 141 Their “ Ibsen-dixit,” 75 “ Thermidor " Up to Date, 72 Three Acres and an Egg, 143 To a Complimentary Counsel, 111 To-day's Amusements, 2 Tolstoi on Tobacco, 85 To Mile. Jane May, 729 Tommy Atkins’s Hard Lot, 74 To Mr. Rudyard Kipling. 83, 105 Toe Civil by Half; or, Past, Present, and Future, 83 To Rose Norreys as “ Nora,” 277 To the Queen of Mays, 240 To those it may Concern, 159 Tracks for the Times, 185 | Traveller's Friend (The), 285 | Triumph of Black and White (The), 138 | Tryst (The), 266 | Tyrants of the Strand (The), 2°5 Usper a Civil Commander-in-Chief, 124 United Service Diary for 1891 (The), 9 | Unrehearsed Effect (An), 29 * Up, Guards, and Act ‘em !" 173 | Upon Afric’s Shore, 215 | Upper Note (An), 3 | Up-to-Date Conversationist, 62 Up-to-Time Table, from the North, 30 Very Wildest West (The), 269 Vice Versa, 51 Voces Populi, 8, 24, 25, 40, 49, 1€9, 265, 2 277, 29 Wait from the Tub (4), 301 Waking Them U Wanted for the Bon Lean — 159 Way of Westminster (The), 160 | Welcome Back! 54 What do you Think? 66 What it may Come to, 181 What it may Come to in London, 269 What it will Come to, 1£0 What's in a Name? 120, 126, 192 What they have been Told down East, 293 121 ‘Wherever we Wander,” Why should London wait? 254 Wilde Flowers, 125 Wild Welcome (A), 129 Word to Mothers (A), 45 ** Worse than Ever!” 42 Yawxesz Oracle on the Three-Volume Novel, 195 LARGE ENGRAVINGS, Apoptep Child (The), 228 “ Advance, Australia!” 127 Alarmed Autocrat (The), 288 All Adriit! 271 \ Ms ‘ \ , ~~,

Arbitration, 31 * Blood” versus “ Bullion,” 235 Bumble at Home, 19 Coriolanus, 103 Pair Exchange (A), 175 Fruit of the Session (The), 295 “ General Election Stakes," 259 “ Happy New Year!” (A), 7 Hymen, Fin de Siécle, 211 In « Maze, 247 Kept in the Stable, 139 Not Caught Yet! 187 * Paper-Chase " (The), 79 Parliamentary Aside (A), 307 * Please give me a Penny |” 199 Private and Confidentia!, 151 Retire |—What do You Think?” Rival “‘ Jarvies “ (The), 91 - ‘, Bouge et Noir!" #5 t to Catch a Whale! be + Wore than Ever!” 43 SMALL ENGRAVINGS, Amenicas Bride amid Roman Ruins, 282 American “ Copyright Bill,” 181 Ancient Example of Female Masher, 268 Appeal Case in the Lords (An), 82 Applicant for a Boy's Situation, 159 April Fools, 166 Arthur Golfour, 130 Artist's Room good for a Dance, 174 Assisted Education Bill, 280 Author and a Pompous Critic, 23 Authoress and the Looking-Glass, 39 Baccarat Case in Court (The), 279 Barrister in Pugilistic Costume, 9 Bill Sikes and the Electric Light, 87 Block System at Eton, 203 Bobby and the Aristotelian MS., 83 Britannia and the United Service, 194 Butcher, Dog. and Meat, 93 Calendar for 1891, 1 Canoist and Opposition Swan, 146 Census Day Characters, 178 Chaplin and the St. Bernard, 38 Cheap Horse for the Derby (A), 257 Cloak-room Boy and Crush-Hats, 201 Cold Reception ; or, Parliament Meeting in a Blizzard (A), 46 Coneave Partner Wanted (A), 2381 Cricket in the Commons, 155 Crossing-Sweeper and a Big Swell, 255 Crossing Sweeper and Pavement Artist, 109 Curate who is a Chalybeate, 148 Discontented Jurymen, 59 Doctor's Footman and Visitor, 119 Drawing a Badger, 25 Egotistical Poet and the Papers, 306 Electric Light at St. Stephen's, 70 Engaging a Partner for a Waltz, 114 English Art and her Supporters, 207 English Bookmaker and French Gen- darme, 122 Eton Centenary (The), 303 | Exchanged Hats (The), 138 Fair American and Two Artists, 258 Fancy Portrait of “ General Idea,” 195 Faraday Congratulating Science, 809 Fascinating Serpent (The), 158 Fashion's Floralia, 218 Father Time's Vanishing Trick, 12 Fight between Big and Little Guns, 110 Follies of the Year, 10 Foreigner quotes Shakspeare at Dinner, 42 Friends for Forty Years, 123 General Guzzleton doesn't take Tea, 270 Gentleman well thrown off his Horse, 261 Georgie and Mamma's Letter, 171 German who speaks English not well, 263

" (A), 115 Con—foundiand Dog !” 163

| Gladstone, the K nife-Grinder, 50 Golfour Statue (The), 278 G. O. M. Variety Entertainer (The), 94 Goschen the Wine Merchant, 230 Grand Old Man's Irish Dog, 68 Grandolph the Prodigal, 226 Guards and the Common Army (The), 126 Hamlet. according to Shakspeare, 1 Harcourt and the Hares’ Bill, 182 Home Secretary and Laundry- Women, 200 Horse you can Sit on Anywhere (A), 249 Hunting Man's Hat ~~ * cree 117 Hunting with a Husband's Departure for Paris (A), 162 Ibsen in Brixton, 215 India and the Russian Bear, 62 Indignant Crossing-Sweeper (An), 191 Inebriate at the Natural History Museum, 16 Inflated Safety Skating Costume, 15 Intelligent Briton and French Blank Verse, 107 Irish O'Rip van Winkle (The), 84 John Bull and Miss India, 206 Jones's Stale Story to Miss Smith, 51 Judge Jeune in Judicial State, 74 King Stork and King Log, 134 Ladies Prig-Sticking, 6 Lady Godiva and the Electric Light, 204 Lady Identifying Artist's Portraits, 30 Landlady and Old Bachelor's Matton, 275 La Rixe,” 118 Larkins at the Naval Exhibition, 310 Launce and his . 14 Liking her Cheek, 86 Literary Stars, 2 Little Girl and Gentleman Ringing Bell, 27 London University and the Medical Student, 254 Lord Archbishop of Nova Scotia (The), 299 Lord Hartington’s different Characters, 298 Lord Randolph's Career, 214 Major O’Gourmand's Dry Champagne, 291 “ Matthews at Home,” 154 M‘Dongall and the Cambridge am lll Metropolitan Railway Types, 18 Miss Parliament's Dream of a Fancy Ball, 106 Monsieur van de Blowitzown Tromp, 47 Mr. Gladstone’s New House, 75 Mrs. Grimwood's Mani en 802 New Curate and the igh + poe Nobleman's New Racer (A Old Lady and Linkman ~ oe, 99 * On the Scent !” 57 Oysters Frozen in their Beds, 81 Painter's Rejected Picture (A), 219 Painting on a Pocket-Handkerchief, 222 ** Paul and Virginia” Umbrella, 8 Pick of the Pictures (The), 227, "238, 243 Political Boating Party in a Lock, 250 Political Military Tournament (A), 286 Pony Treading on Rider's Toe, 210 Post-Office Cuckoo (The), 145 Professor Borax and the Listening Lady, 246 Proposed Heraldic Device for the L.C.C., 242 Psychical Society and 'Cycling, 208 Queen Victoria and her Water Babies, 98 Quiet Time without Omnibuses (A), 297 Raikes’ Progress (The), 190 Random Aladdin, 142 Reason for leaving a Theatre early, 213 Removing an Organ-Grinder, 69 Rhodes and Mashonaland, 266 Robert and the German Waiters, 239 Robert Burns v. Jobn Burns, 26 Samples of Salisbury, 262 Sarcastic 'Bus-Driver and Passenger, 287 Sea-sick Channel Passengers, 153 Sergeant-at-Arms’ Dream of Bar of the House, 274 Shah (Lefevre) and the . me (The), 35 Shinner Quartette (The), 4 Sir William Variety econ 202 Skating Curate (A), 66

| | Tommy and his Toys in Studio, 102 Skating during a Thaw, f4 Sketch from “ L’Eofant Prodigue,” 179 Sketch of the Blizzard, 135 | Sport in the Snow, 58 Swell going to his Tailor’s, 147 Sympathetic Brother Artist (A), 71 Taken cum (Corney) Grain O! 12 Trouble in Tom Tiddler’s Ground, 278 Twelfth-Night Drawings for Time, 22 | Two Cronies discussing Old Friends, 183 | Two Influenza Invalids, 292 | Two well-matched Horse- Dealers, 90 Uncle Sam ry Breakfast Ba Canada, 86 Unsatisfactory Breakfast Bacon (The), 198 Victory Roas-Car (The), 267 Volunteer Officer Resigning, 170 Waiters’ and Gentlemen's Dress, 95 War Secretary and Army Doctors, 285 Would-be Golf-Player (A), 78 Yankee Lady and the Dead Fox, 83 Young Lady and the Family Dentist, 150 Young Lady instructing in Cookery, 251

LONDON ; BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS,

eet tbe oS P4 | ja. -

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ASK FOR AND DRINK ONLY GREEBRS’ oo 2. OLD VATTED HIGHLAND WHISKY. (Im Square Betties) At 458. per Dozen Case. A lend of the hor t eitend ey ey a pemtenest > hommes BOLD AT ALL THE LEADING STORES IN LONDON. Wholesale Offices, 69, MARE LANE, £.6, A single bottic, as a sample, will be sent post free to any address on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 64. RICHD. MATHEWS & 00, 24 and 2%, HAKT 8I., KLOOMSHURY, oo to rea et eas bg “QUP O KINDNESS.” Perfect Wh mg of the CHOICKsT BRANDS of the Highest Clatees of Fine Old Whiskies, in their Native Purity, as produced in Scot'and, absolutely untempered with, Maroar> in Susany Casas A Luxury in Pure Scotch Whiskies. S. OL >” H er ype Biendings—so harmo- niousin character so novel and so entively their own teat they may fairly claim the very Gret place among hign- 1 oGimatante. Clever ju ~ Ae ee ‘ ecivaliod - thr > eed Wine’ se * BLEN DED spective num ing entity ‘— 50s. doz. ** 455, doz. * Green we veh 42s. dos. BR O.8. is sold Hottles (6 to the gailon), Sey tosenee and ¢ mw emyr the quality — by asmali Weel = . bette. Cases charged 2s. dozen, allowed for When tarned, and Is. Sy: dozen allowed for empty H.0 8. bottles. Sample Hottle, carriage pele anywhere in the Un King- Sam, ee resele 4s. 6d., »s., and 3s. 64. re«pectiv-! PEASE, SON & CO., LEITH SCOTLAND. English Addresses, LUN. /ON and DAKLINGTON. Established 188. (Please mention “ Punch” when erdering.) Carriage paid on orders of One Dozen and upwards. Warrants of Appolatment To H.M. the Queen. H.I. Majesty the Empress Frederick, and H.R. H. the Princess of Wales. EGERTON BURNETT'S ROYAL SERGES Materials for Botnsd —t New oy Artistic D Wea in Pure Wool. Rt ae ty, Nevelty, and Sterlin —— Admirable Wearing Qualities. — Perfect Navy Blues are specially SS and will ash te turn_a bad colour NEW PATTERNS)? POST FREE to any address. Any! reget) on Cte of 2s, and above to any part Kingdom. No Acents on Mippte- Suse Eorsosee, EGERTON BURNETT, Wellington, Somerset, England. CHARIVARL—Jounz 27, 1891. Sir CHAS. CAMERON, M_D., oo — 7 TET ty adapted to the wants of infants.” NEAVE'S F 52, Br. BARTLETT, Pb.D., F.C8 a Tor INFANTS, INVALIDS, and TEE AGED. = cometituents are far above thé FOO CHE and Ko APES average of the con on aceous Foods.” UAM-VAR | WHISKY, |g THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. USED IN THE PALACE AND THE SHIZELING. THE BLST FORK CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards. Recommended by the Medica! Paculty. INWES & GRIEVE, EDINBURGH and LONDON. EERINCS sitox MEDAL en Gung Brann The Best Liqueur. J. EXSHAW & GOS FINEST OLD BRANDY. im Cases as im ported T. Ww. Seevteeee 2 ¢ & Co., 23, Megent Street. W. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of rus STOMACH, HEARTBULN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION Sold throughout the World. CONOMISE! ifs. SUNLIGHT SOAP makes eco- nomy possible, and dispels the toilsome conditions of the all-day rubbing and scrubbing of the past. e ask you to give SUN- LIGHT SOAP a fair trial. Once make the experiment, and like thousands, you will be benefited in every way through using SUNLIGHT SOAP Fendt ful Name and Aid: e-# on Post Card to R BROS.. Ltd., Port Sanlignt, near Birken- head, for Kules of the SUNLIGH O P monty COMreTI:iOKNS. vRIZES ites over £6 @. 2 Million Bottles filled in 1873. | 18 Million , » 1890. A pollinaris “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,” “ Cosmopolitan.” Bairisn Mepicat Jourmat. Sel COLT'S NEW TX UNITED STATES WAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Travellers, and for Military Purposes, takes Eley's Express and all other “ cal Pisto! Cartridzes. COLT’S LIGHTNING MACAZINE RIFLES, and Smoll Game, Mook Shooting, and Practice, are unsarpased for securacy and unequalled for rapidity of fire COLT’S REVOLVERS carried off all the highest Prizes at Bisiey, Edin burgh, and Pebiin in 18990 Price List free. COLTS FIREARMS CO. - UL st, Circus, Londen, W. THE “CHAMPION” HAND ICE MACHINE HAS BEEN GREATLY IMPROVED THIS SEASON, AND THE OUTPUT | 18 NEARLY DOUBLED. ‘PURE ICE MOMENTS Always ready for use, Will Ice Water a» d Wines for the Table, make Ice revm, and Bloek-ice, &e Send fo or list 17 from Bole Licensees, PULSOMETER ENGINEERING Co.,L4., NINE BLM» [RON WOKKS, LUN OM, 8. W. Mar hines shown at 61. Queen Victoria Street, BC rae HOWARD BEDFORD BALING_ PRESSES. NOTICE.—ESPECIALLY To LADIES. ALFRED WEBB MILES ¢ COMPANY 0,a04 6, KMROOK STREET, HANOYV ui SQUARE, LONDON, Ww, Having completed extensive additions to their beg to notify the open nw anus for the supply of Juv eM 8 NG. A selcct variety of fashionabi+ attire suite for boys from four years of age, consisting eS Man o' War Suits, Beoteh Knickerbocker Suite, Rugby Suits, Eton Bulls, Covert Coats, Inverness Capes, &c., &c.,of the highest class and newest went style, wo = always ae t im stock ready riees for eash pay Fam Telegr: phic address, Wess Mites. London. elephowe 9 Close at 3 p.m. on Saturdays. TRY IT IN YOUR BATH. PCRUBB'S (,,Cox,,) AMMONIA. MARVELLOUS PREPARATION. Refreshing as a Turkish Bath. Invaluable for Toilet purposes. Splendid Cleansing Preparation for the Hair. Pemoves Stains and Grease Spots rom Clothing, &e. our to Carpets, 1 tery. LIEBIG COMPANY'S ~ rer eee n FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATE. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the TEETH. Renders the Teeth PEAKLY WHITR Is perfeetiy ho rmiess, and Delicious to the T Is partly composer from sweet her Of all Chemists and P: wore. 2. ez FLORILINE 700 Put up in gias Prepare The Anglo-American 33 Farringdon COLDEN Bi The lovely nuance “( imoertes to Heir of ar -old enly by W. WINTE Price 5s. 64. 10s. 6d., Zils Hatr ERIN ROCHE’S HERB/ The celebrated effecty medicize. Sole Wholes Sow, 157, Queen V Bold by most Chemis o—K. Acaan Potorkas « New Y ork- “FOR THE BLO GLAT WORLL-i AMEL BLOOD MIXTURE ls warranted to cleanse the biood | Same from Wuatrvss ew Eezema, ®kin and kinds, its effects ase marvellous. : ets cifle fur Gout and pacumetio, ‘ai doves the caves from the mea bane. mc bot ties, 24. 9d. and ils, each wai Cnemtets prietors, Liacoin and Midiaré Counties Drag Go, Lintola, Bewases or Woarnsess lnsrastens, EXTRAOT or BEEF (as above) in Bine Ink seroes the Labe! on oooh Jar of the Genuine Extract. | veka’. and mMierior Lh of wvuvner j ' rege ie he On cima and Hiner ha» the name CA * “amped on ONE com - otra y a Ase CAKK'S STAMPED fabven WHE, and seo that the na me be theve ered YOUR C CHILORE,: D®RIDGES. at ATENT LU KE v FOU

Page 420

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jone 27, 1891. JIA Ss AN EXTRAORDINARY INVENTION. | WILL WASH PLOTHES! BY SIMPLE BOILING ONLY. NO RUBBING, NO WORK. AN ABSOLUTE FAOT. A TRIAL WILL PROVE IT. Get a Book, and Read! Take your Work, and Sew!! Go and nurse the Baby!!! TITAN} SOAP Will Wash the Clothes in ; I5 Minutes | without your help. f Throw away your Wash-Boards, and make | WASHING DAY A HOLIDAY! | ea. a’ TITAN SOAP Qs. = Box,| Contain. _ _ JICALS and CANNOT INJURE the most delicate Fabric. CLOTHES made a BETTER COLOUR and LAST TWICE AS LONG, | as there is NO RUBBING WHATEVER. WASHES WITHOUT WORK. Never Tears Laces and Curtains; Never Cracks Hands. Soft to the Skin. NO Recommended by Eminent Scientists as PURE and SAFE. NO RUBBING. Unequalled for Flannels and Woollens. (See Directions with each Bar.) LABOUR. A THOROUGH DISINFECTANT. manvracrurers: THE LIVERPOOL PATENT SOAP a LTD., LIVERPOOL, * + *°sormiirron on, = OO Puawet Plavard shreot in tne Previaes of Waiteirats, ta the Ghoy of Lenten; ad Fohtihed Uf him'St Ne. ta Viset Sabet, ase Parisk of Sx belie! Gir Wf Lesdtardesenoe®, Naas, we ee t XJ SO e#G ¥

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yards, AY oe Ox.) | ric.