Punch 1891-12-12: Vol 101 Iss 2631

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.Panehie World's Fue. By John Tommie | | 4 ae she 2:05 ‘pe sop Up to Date. Six Taklesux. By Linley Sambourne. CHRISTMAS NUMBER OF PUNCH hree Page Pictures. By Harry Furniss, i J ote a er AND ‘PUNCH’ ALMANACK. And Numerous other Illustrations. Now Ready. Price Sixpence.

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see | BY no 2631. Kol “BON3Sd S3SYHL 308d > t u > u i) u z © J 4} ) a fuecr YotAly 4 — PS ha Ol Yh " - a Ming, S ( a i] H Ih Hh} “4 { { | | | iI | alll PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. PUREST, VINOLIA SOAP “is BEST.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dzcempze 12, 1591. MR. HENTY'S NEW STORIES. Redskin and Cow-boy: A Tale of the Western Piaias OA Beret With Dine Wetions by Ai rasp Pesnee Cloth, 6 The Dash for Khartoum: A Tale of the Nile Bxpediticn. By @. A. Herrt. With [lestrations jouw Gemévenne and J Neen, endéiplans Cloth, & Held Fast for England: A Tale of the Siege of Gibraltar, By G A. Hewvr. With Iiestrations by Gonoos Haowns. Cloth, be Lonéon _BLACKIB & BON, Leurres Ready December Ind Price ls 64 ELECTRICITY UP 10 DATE, POR LIGHT, POWER, AND TRACTION. By JOHN B. VERITY, M. Inst. BE th Chapters on the different means of producing Kiaet y. and the varices systems employed for - 4 Also Chapters om the Electric Sepply (ompanies tn London and Provinees, with atest details of their capitals, shares subscribed, charges, an ystems Electrical pvweey BY calling ered, and (j\cesary of Electrica! * re od, with coloured map showing areas « nm London te the G@iferent Pubiic Supp - Pasoenrce Wane & Oo., 4, Bedford Street we For PLEASURE and PROFIT. FRUIT Vothing so Profitable and Basy to Grow. 74 ACRES IN STOCK. fee CATALOOUR for Simple Streiens and kinds of Trees to sult ROSES HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS BUSHES, 8s. per doz., 60s. 100. Packing and Carriage Free for Cash with order ROSES in Pots, from 15s. per doz. ORNAMENTAL TREES 91 ACRES. 4 ACRES OF CLASS. CLEMATIS (80,000), from 10s. per doz. NB — Single Plants are wold et slightly increased prices SEEDS and | Vegetable, Flower, BULBS ’ and Farm. DESCRIPTIVE LISTS FREE. RICHARD SMITH & CO., Worcester. UNITED STATES NAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Traveliers, and for Military Purposes, takes Key's an cal. Bupress and all o Pistol Cartridges COLT $ LICHTMING MACAZINE RIFLES. 4 Small Game, Kook shooting, and Tas get | ae tice, are unsurpassed for accuracy and unequalied for rapidity of fire COLT’S REVOLVERS carried off all the highest Prises at Bisley, Edin bu gh, and é Dublin in 1990. Price List free Co., ™% Glassbouse 81. Piccadilly Cirews, ‘London, W. FOR ASTHMA &C DATURA TATULA nh &M MOKING AND INHALATION SAV ORY & MOORE, London. And ef Chenuste pth tty Salty yield Br 0 gallons ab © tempesatare of Maths i at Bath by the Romane in the First entury The waters are well known as being most cases of Kheumatism, Gout, an Skin * The Corporation of Nath have recently are perfected the Baths at great cxpense ' “ * of one of the greatest Hygienic ame, Tee Rares 288 88 MOoer ComPLeTe tx Kand — in the Pump Room. Letters © Manager will receive attention and every information COLT'S NEW | FO AT DaILy SOLD CHOCOLAT MENIER. R BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS ALL EXHIBITIONS. Consumption, 50 Tons. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. “MEAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE'S PLATE. (Reon) “MIGMEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” “UNEQUALLED FOR HARD WEAR.” FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATH. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the a, Prevents the decay of the the Teeth PeanLy’ White Uy’ haralens, and the Taste. of Boney, and extracts herbs and pian FLORILINE TOOTH POWDER caly, Put up in glass jars. Price le. Prepared only by The Anglo-American Drag Company, Limited, 33, Farringdon Road, London, E.C. LADIES, WRITER AT ONCE TO THE MILLS, DARLINGTON DRESS FABRICS. eet et Pr LE Pere on Arrmovat to axt Adouzss. LENGTH CUT AT MILL P entirely New Weavings of their World and New hades for the Season in charming variety DRESSMAKING.—& jal I charge of a Court ouiste great experience necessary to secure | Systems for self measurement, and ai! information | arded fect fit, will be forw without charge Any article not approved exchanged within seven days. All Goods are warranted to be equal Station in Great Britain, and to Dublin, fast, Limerick, Cork, and Waterford. London Sale Room, 244, REGENT 8T. (over Jeffs & Harris, the Furriers), where « full range of Patterns, as well as eg — —~ | the piece, and finished Lp ye may be Experienced Assistants are in att tendance to ‘ake measurements and instructions for Dressmaking, and prompt execution of all orders is guaranteed TENERIFE (istinos) CIGARS. | REPURLICANOS FEDERALES A Deticions Weed of a novel shape. Mild, Aromatic, and Delicate. (Awarded Gold Medal and Diploma In bundles of 10 two sines), ls. Sd. and 20. 24 Postage aw ils per 100, Post Free BEWLAT & CO. (Lid | #, Strand, WC 74, Strand Mast Indis Bouse), aad. Cheapside, E.C Est. 1760. “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” GLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE Ppcateantndeniennne Gp tors Gaeee oa by ay from wuarrveEes cause Fezema, Skin and Blood binds, its effects are marvellous Died bottles, 2s. 6¢. and lis. each, of all Chemists. _ Mitwaros’ | Calyx-eyed we=x Needle prictors, Lincein and Midland Counties Drug Co., Lincoln. Bewanse of Woerncess Lurra tions POR PATTERNS OF THEIR NEW WINTER BICES. All the gut Le and most Fashionable Designs and -renewned Cashmeres, Cross-Warp Tweeds. rtment under the te | sample. Carriage Paid on all Orders to any Hailway | He “JOHANNIS” KING OF TABLE WATERS. CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL CAS. Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, and Indigestion. Mixes equally well with Wines, Spirits, or Milk. Not medicinal, but an agreeable health-promoting beverage. SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS, AND RESTAURANTS | Sample Cases of 60 Pints, 18/6, including bottles. JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd., | ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. Wwotesate Sroare— | 2a, WHARF ROAD, CITY ROAD, LONDON. 'HOOPING COUGH, ROUP. ROCHE’S HERBAL The celebrated effectual cure Me og internal mnolieme. Sole Wholesale Agen Eowsnps & , 157, Queen Victoria Senos London Bula ty most Chemists. Price 4s. ~E. Acaap, 328, Rue St. New York— “Fe owerms & Ca., BERINSMEAD PIANOS. BRINSMEAD | JOHN panens® Pianoforte Makers to H_K.H. the ls, Wigmore Street, W. Established over half a century ALL FAT PEOPLE a —- take TRILENE TABLETS (Regd safe cure for Browrwrss. Send Js. 6d. hi +3 CO , 70, Finsbury Pavement, en = artin. North William Stree ad & sON fees of W ales, —y Free. Sir CHAS. CAMERON, M D., says :—“ An Excellent Food, admirably adapted to the wants of infants.” IN PATENT AIR-TIGHT NEAVE’ LS FOOD Dr. nantes LAP "ES. CEES: sverage of the best TINS. For INPANTS, ——- OXFORD.-MITRE HOTE ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICy, FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KD Visitors MACNIVEN & CAMERON'S Fe nat. jester to ay Sunewsscat News. 64. and an, pee all Stationers Sample Box of all the Is. 14. by Post Waverley Works, EDINBURG CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES. Paice List Sent Pars. 128, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, EC &, ST. JAMES’S STRERT, Pall Mall, SZ AL (leap Fine PROTECTION GES) _0F MANSIONS | SHAND, MASON « Co, ' MAKERS or STEAM FIRE ENGINES Her Majesty the Queen, the Due of 7 novaie vel, the Duke of Sutherland, &. ILLUSTRATED CATALOG CATALOGUES Free 75, UPPER CROUND R CROUND STREET, BLACKFRIARS ROAD, LONDC T00 FA Dr. Gordon’ s Elegant Care STOUTNESS rapidly and certainly. 8 height, he and send Ly Od., 4s. 6d., oe ’ Dr. Goapox, 10, Brunswic' k Square, DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA For ACIDITY or rus STOMACH, HEARTEUM HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTIOX Sold throughout the World Tamann ~~ l EN HAI: CESARE AUREOLNE PERFECTLY HARMLESS Bold by Fortumer, ond Chemists th: oughest Agents: R. HOVENDEN & SONS, Loxo* powder ; WHITENS THE TEETH, pl perce ttle nd ane the teeth and gums. box. Gold everywhere. = le preservation 20. Od. per F

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| Decemper 12, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 277

LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. NO VIIL—TO LAZINESS. | Best (AND BEST-ABUSED) OF ABSTRACTIONS, My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this pre- cise moment I can think of a hundred different things that I ought to be doing. For instance, I have not written to Tom, who is in the | wilds of Canada, for months. His last letter ended with a pathetic appeal for an answer.

the ** Never mind, old chap,” he said, “about not having any news. e ti | Little details that you may think too insignificant to relate are bound PUO | to interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you occasi meet of | some of our friends of the old days. Tell them I often think of them

and all the fun we used to have together. It all seems likea to me now. Let me know what any of them are doing. I heard six months ago from a fellow who was touring out here that Jack Bumrvs was married. If it is really our old Jack, congrat him, give him my love. I don’t know his taddress. But, whatever you do, write. A letter from you is like water in the desert.” When I read that letter I became full of the noblest resolutions. Not another day should pass, I vowed, before I answered it. So I pre thin note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib and sat down at my writing-table to begin. As I did so my eyes fell upon Martin Chuzzlewit, which was lying within easy reach. The book seemed positively to command me to read it for the tenth time. I took it | up, and in another moment Mrs. Gamp had taken possession of me. My writing-chair was uncomfort- able. I transferred myself into an arm-chair. Is it necessary to add that I did not write toTom? His letter is getting frayed and soiled from being con- stantly in 7. Day after day it accompanies me on my daily round, unanswered and seemingly unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, and my mind abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon my conscience like lead. A few strokes of the pen would remove the burden, but I simply cannot screw myself up to the task. That is one of the things I ought to do. -

r the Again, ought I not to call on the TION | Waurttteseas? Mr. and Mrs. Wurrttesea have simply over- NS | flowed with kindness towards me. edom | | I never enjoyed anything more than f | the week I spent at their house in hy | | Kent a short time ago. They are ES now in town, and, what is more, Duke of | they know that I am in town too. ao | Of course I ought to call. It’s Free my plain duty, and that is, as far as I can tell, the only reason rT, which absolutely prevents me from calling upon that hospitable ‘ONDC family. Why amet go through the es of my pressing uties ? I ought to write my article on ** Modern = | : A Psychological rdon' Parallel,” for the next number of The Brain. ought to visit my - But I shall do none of these

dentist ; I ought to have my hair cut. things. On the other hand, it is absolutely unnecessary that I should write to you. No evil would befall me if I waited another year, or even omitted altogether to write to you. And that is the precise reason why I am now addressing you. As a matter of fact, I like you. As I have already said, the performance of strict duties is irksome to me. It is you, my dear Laziness, who forbid me to per- form them, and thus save me from many an_uncongenial task. That is why I like you. And, after - the common my ~ < you A a eal Payee heard grave and industrious persons declare em any one who allows himself to fall under your sway debars himself utterly

from every chance of success. Fiddlesticks! I snap my at such folly. What do these poten say to the ease of FiotrEr, the great Q.C.? Everybody knows that Firetree is, without e

tion, the most indolent man in the world. Let any doubter w down Middle Temple Lane and ask the first young barrister he meets what he thinks of Fierrer. I am ready to my annual jncome

vi) that the reply will be, ‘* What, Old Fierrer! iv, he’s the laziest man at the Bar. I thought everybody knew that.” I may be told, ) of course, that Fierrex appears in all the big cases—that his manage- ment of them is extraordinarily successful ; that the Judges to

+ | him; that his speech in the Camberwell poisoning ease and a half, and is acknowledged to be oe of eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts of ; er his

a fees always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and that hi on Fines and Recoveries is a monument of industry. All this I shall hear from some member of the outside public, who does not know his 1, Frerrez. But the fact remains. IGTREE is the most indolent

being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to read a brief before he

red a great many sheets of | x.

foes into Court. Many are the tales told by those who have been is juniors of the marvellous skill and address with which FicTREE ) time after time extricated himself from awkward situations into which he had been led by his ignorance of the details of the case in which he happened to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of Bagwell v, Muter, Fiornex, as you must remember, appeared for the defendant. ; When the plaintifts Junior Counsel had opened the pleadings, Frerrrx actually got up, and, had not his own Junior him he would then and there have opened the case for the plaintiff. Yet Fiorrer’s cross-examination of that same plain- tiff, travelling as it did over a long period of time, and dealing with a most cated s' , in which dates were of the first importance, is still cited by those who heard it as the most remarkable display of its kind which the English Courts have afforded for years past. Whether the unfortunate Baowe.t, whom it showed conclusively to be a swindler and an impostor, has an equal admiration for it, I know not, nor is he, I fancy, likely to tell us, even when he returns from the which is now the scene of his labours. How Fierrer, who at the outset did not even know on which side he appeared, managed in the time at his command to master this intricate case, must ever remain a mystery. Harnzy Appiestone, his Junior, is accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous : chronological analysis of the case which he . had prepared for his leader, and evidently oe wishes me to believe that he, rather than Fierree, is to be credited with the success achieved. But the Solicitors have not yet withdrawn their dence from FicTREE to transfer it to ADDLESTONE. Here, then, is an instance of a pecteotiy ) indolent man rising higher and higher every year on the ladder of professional advance- ment. I can only attribute it, my dear Laziness, to your beneficent influence, which preserves the at barrister from the weary labours to which his rivals daily submit. They say of him that he knows nothing of law. lt I grant that, it merely proves that a knowledge of law is not required for success in the profession of the law. The deduction is dangerous, but obvious, and I recommend it warmly to all who are about to be called to the Bar. — I don’t think I have an sa: more to = say to you to-day; indeed I know that you would be the last to desire that the writing of this letter should be in any wa irksome to me. Besides, it is five o’cloc p.M. My arm-chair invites me. I feel tired, — f that being so, I am convinced it would be an act of pedantic —_S den myself the sweet refreshment of half-an-hour’s sleep. Farewell, kindly one. I shall always rejoice to honour xo and celebrate your praise. Yours, with all goodwill, Diocexes Rosrnson. P.S.—I reopen this letter to say that I have just read in an evening paper a terrible account of the total destruction by a tornado of the town in Canada which was pow Tom’s place of |exile. “The loss of life,” it is added, “‘has been great, and | several Engli are st the victims.””’ No names are given. Good gracious! If Tom has indeed perished, how am I ever to for- give oo for neglecting him ? hat must he have thought of me ? curse myself in vain for my—bah! What is the use of telling you this? The same paper informs me, in the elegant guage a iate to these occasions, that ‘‘ Mr. Fierrer, Q.C has been o me ge has accepted, the vacant Lord-Justiceship of Appeal.” An Opportunrry.—A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us the following advertisement, found, he says, in the Bridport News; we omit dates and names :— —— will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY COWS to calve respect- Sully in Dec., April,and May next. An excellent double-feeding chaff-cutter, Kec. A peapesttal cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements honorably. ** A double-feeding chaff-cutter” ought to be an acquisition to a fast set on a coach at Derby, though of course his ‘* double-f ” powers would have to be amply provided for at luncheon time.

“ Tae nearest thing to ‘ setting the Thames on fire,’” said a quiet traveller by the Underground, ‘is the announcement which you will now see at the St. James’s Park Station:—'A Liont Here ror Nuoara.’” ‘“ Why,” exclaimed an irate passenger to the timid estion of the above, ‘* of course it doesn’t mean that.” Then he , contemptuously, ‘Get out!” Which he did.

VOL. Cl.

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| | C318v4a Q10 NV JO NOISH3SA WOILIIOd MAN) ‘“SNVLO3dxXa SNOILSNY | [Decemper 12, 189). S : Way Ws =< STAAL - 4%

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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Decemper 12, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 279 Or, the New Dumbledumdeary. ‘* Rusticus expectat, dum defluat amnis ; at ille Labitur, et labetur in omne volubilis evum.” Horace. Arn—“ Dumbledumdeary.” In the fall of the year, when M.P.’s were about, And speeches burst forth like a waterspout, | Hope took up his bundle, and caught up his | RUSTICUS EXPECTANS ; | | staff, laugh !— And went for a walk—if you please, don’t Singing dumbledumdeary, dumble- umdeary, Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee ! Oh, Hover had = on his bettermost smock, And wore his billycock gaily a-cock ; For Hope nowadays is a person of note, And great Governments bow to the “‘ hind,” with a vote. Singing dumbledumaeary, &c So he strolled on wi’out dread or fear | Of Squoire or Par- son, or County Peer, For the spouting | M.P. and the | Liberal Van Had made of the shock-headed joskin a Man! Singing dura- bledumdeary, &e, | With promises — -—) with ope inspired, Hopecer walked and walked till he felt quite tired; So he sat himself | down on the bank | of a stream, And, fallin asleep, dreame a wonderful dream. Singing dum- bledumdeary, &e. The old, old stream was no longer the | brook - Where he’d angled for minzows with wum and hook ; Fa : It swelled and swirled, and its rippling voice Was changed to loud echoes of platform noise. Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. And it seemed to address him, ‘‘ How long, friend Honeg, In a smock will you slave, ina pig-stye lodge ? The Town revolts, but the landlord crew Still rule the rustics. What can you do?” Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. ** Oh, I can reap, and I can sow; And I can plough, and I can mow ; And, as Lord Rrvow doth treuly say, I can yarn my eighteen-pence a day | Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. ** Oh, that,” cried the Voices, ‘‘ will never do! Hopes now must have freedom, and comfort too And Village Councils, Allotments, and Larks! Though the Landlords take fright for their Sheen and Parks,” Singing dumbledumdeary, &e. ** No more must he live like a pig in a stye, Or wa way Codlir, Rad Short) will know why. ,” And if you’ll consent just to vote for us now We'll put a new tune to your old *‘ Speed the Plough!’” Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. | Then Honeg, slightly puzzled, beheld (in his dream A legion of faces that flowed with the stream. There’s two Wittiams, and Jory, and Jesse!” he cried, tide,—”’ Sotty, Bavry, and Joxrw talk, too, from the Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. ‘*They ’re making a vast sight o’ noise, and I fear, ; | Whilst they all shout together, their mean- ing’s scarce clear. {I'll sit They all drift one way, though, out yonder! And wait till the shindying dachens a bit.” Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. So Hones, like old Honace’s Rustic, still i [abates ; waits j ; Till the waters flow by, or their turmoil THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS “ JUNIOR.” Promprinc A Dear anp Testy “ Curer’ IN OPEN COURT IS NOT HIS And then hopes to reach ‘‘ Happy Home” o’er that stream. : Let us hope that he mayn’t find it only a dream! Singi dumbledumdeary, dumble- dumdeary, Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee ! “DICK” POWER, Wuew the House of Commons meets in February, it will find many vacant places. Save, perhaps, on that el to the mem of Otp Moratrry, none will draw towards it such sorrowful glances as the bench below the heat £ where, last Session, Dick PoweEnr’s smiling face was found. Everyone in the House knew “ Dick,” and all liked him —a modest-mannered, merry-hearted m whom a st destiny had not only dragged into political life, but, as Whip of the Par- nellite Party, made him the official re- presentative of a body for the most part oaeay pene tony and disliked oe a aot oo ily not often imported into Parliaments a oy Dick Powrnr, whilst never swerving by a hair’s breadth from loyalty to his col- leagues and his leader, so bore himself that he was welcome in any Parliamentary circle, from ‘*‘ Gosser’s Room” to the floor of the House, which he sometimes “took” to de- liver a witty speech in support of a Motion for adjourning over the Derby. He was only in his fortieth year, married scarce a fort- nee, when comes the blind Fury with the abhorréd shears and slits the thin-spun thread. ‘* Lycrpas is dead!”; but he will long be remembered as shedding through seventeen years a genial light on Trish poli- ties, too often obscured by aggressive vul- garity, and the sacrifice of patriotic interests to the ends of personal vanity. ONLY FANCY! WE are in a position to state that over- tures were en 6 made to a well-known and popular member of the aristocracy in connection with a certain high office lately vacated. It is felt that a gentleman with the varied experience and capacity in- dicatel by the circumstance (to which we may allude not involving breach of confidence), that his name was suc- cessively mention- ed in connection with the offices, recentl vacant, of ostmaster- Genera), Under-. Secretary of State for ForeignA ffairs, and Leader of the House of Com- mons, is peculiarly | well qualified for | the post. | The Prime Mrvister has, we learn, been much | gratified by the receipt of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, |expressing gener- |ous satisfaction at his selection of Mr. Artuvr Batrour to the Leadership of the House of Commons. It was the more pleasing as the name of Lord Satissvny’s correspondent had, in Conservative circles, n pommnenty mentioned in connection with the office. ‘* It is true,’”’ the Abounding Baron wrote, ‘‘ that the public with unerrin instinct has looked in another direction. should therefore like to be the first to say that your Lordship has done well in recognisin the services to the Unionist cause performec by Mr. Batrour. Of course there may be other openings, and in case your Lordship has occa- sion to communicate with me, it may be con- venient to mention that, having come to town this morning and transacted business at my office in Bouverie Street, I am about to return tomy country residence at Stow-in-the- Wold.”’ Ipga or Perrect Biiss, It is announced that Lord SaLispury’s new house at Beaulieu is to be let furnished for the winter months, the Premier not ane |to return till the Spring. We understanc that one of Mr. Griapstowr’s friends and admirers is in treaty for the residence, intending to place it for a few weeks at the | disposal of the Leader of the Opposition. We have not yet heard how far this happily- conceived scheme has progressed.

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280 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 12, 1891. On the Top. : THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. Miss P. (as she perceives Miss T. and her companion). Now, No. XVIII Bos, pray remember all I’ve told you! [Bon turns away, petulantly. . ' ra Miss T. (aside, to Vaw B.). I guess the air’s got cooler up here, Scexe— The roof of Milan Cathedral; the mnumerable statues and Cy serey. Fut if that girl imagines she’s going to freeze me! fretted pinnacles show in dazzling relief against the intense blue sky. Through the open-work of the parapet is seen the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy tram-cars, and the small crawling figures which cast inordinately long shadows. All around is a maze of pale brown roofs, and beyond, the green plain blending n the horizon with dove-coloured o in a quivering violet haze. CULCHARD is sitting by a small doorway at the foot of a flight of steps leading to the Spire. Culchard (meditating). 1 think Mavp must have seen from the tone in which I said I preferred to remain below, that I object to that cousin of hers perpetually coming about with us as he does. She’s far too indulgent to him—a posing, affected prig, always talking about the wonderful things he’s going to write! He had the impu- dence to tell me I didn’t know the most elementary laws of the sonnet this morning! Withering repartee seems to have no effect whatever on him, I wish I had some of Popsury’s faculty for flippant chaff! I wonder if he and the PrenpEReasts really are at Milan. I certainly thought | recog- nised—— If they are, it's very bad taste of them, after the poin way in which they left Bellagio. I only hope we shan’t | Here the figure of Miss Prexprercast suddenly emerges from the door ; CULCHARD rises and stands aside to let her pass; she returns his salutation distantly, and passes on with her chin in the air; her brother follows, with a side-jerk of recognition. PODBURY comes fast, and halts undecidedly. Podb. (with a rather awkward laugh). Here we are again, eh? (Looks after Miss P., hesitates, and finally sits down by Cutenarp.) Where's the fascina- ting Miss Trotrer ’ How do you come to be off duty like this ? Culch. (stiffly). The fascinating Miss TROTTER is up above with Vaw Boopr- LER, 80 my services are not required. Podb. Up above? And Hrparra just fone up with Bos J Bad there ‘ll be ructions presently ! fe out of it, you and I! So it "s Boopr- Ler’s turn now? That’s rough on you—after Hyrpatta had whistled poor old Bos off. As much out in the cold as ever, eh ? Culch. 1 am nothing of the kind. -- I find him distasteful to me, and avoid him as much as I can, that’s all. | wish, Popsury, er—I almost wish you could have stayed with me, instead of allowing the Prenpereasts to carry you off as you did. You would have kept Van Boopeter in order. odb. Much obliged, old chap; but I’m otherwise engaged.: Being kept in order myself. Oh, I dike it, you know. She's developing my mind like winking. Spent the whole morning at the Brera, mugging up these old Italian Johnnies. They really are clinkers, you know. APHAEL, eh ’—and Grorro, and Mawrrena, and all that lot. As Hypatta says, for intensity of er—religious feeling, and—and subtlety of symbolism, and—and so on, they simply take the cake—romp in, and the rest nowhere ! I’m getting quite the connoisseur, I can tell you! Culch. Evidently. I suppose there ’s no chance of a—a reconcilia- tion up there ? [ With some alarm. Podb. Don’t you be afraid. When Hyparta once her quills up, they don’t subside so easily! Hallo! isn’t this old Trorrenr ” | That gentleman appears in the doorway. Mr. T. Why, Mr. Popsury, so you’ve come along here? That's right! And how do you like Milan? I like the pine rate— it’s alive city, Sir. And I like this old cathedral, too; it’s well constructed—they 've laid out money on it. I call it real orna- mental, all these little figgers they 've stuck around—and not two of ‘em a pair either. Now, they might have had ’em all alike, and no one any the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more variety, too, having them different. Well, I’m up as high as ever lean go. You two better come along up with me. “She passes on with her chin in the air!” (Advancing to Miss P.) hy, my dear, it’s almost too sweet for anything, meeting you again ! ; Miss P. You're evtremely kind, Mavp; I wish I could return the compliment ; but really, after what took place at Bellagio, I— Miss T. (taking her arm). Well, I'll own up to being pretty | horrid—and so were you; but there don’t seem any sense in our meeting up here like a couple of strange cats on tiles. I won't fly out any more, there! I’m just dyin for a reconciliation ; and so is Mr. Vaw Boopeter. The trouble I’ve had to console that man! He never met anybody before haff so interested in the great Amurr- ean Novel. earying for another talk. So you’d better And he’s w give that hatchet a handsome funeral, and come along and take pity on him. {Hyrp., after a struggle, yields, half-reluctantly, and allows herself tobe taken across to Mr. Van B., who greets her effusively. Miss i x oc i prudent! Bob P. \w ly keeping in the background till now, decides that his chance has come). How do you do, Miss Trorrgr? It’s av jolly to meet you again like Miss. T. Well, I guess that remark would have been more convincing if you’d made it a few minutes earlier. Bob. [—I—you see, I didn’t know... I was afraid—I rather thought—— Miss T. You don’t get much further with rather thinking, as a general rule, than if you didn’t think at all. But if you’re at all anxious to run away the way you did at Bellagio, you ’t be afraid J’i/ hinder you. Bob. , ernetly ). Run vats Do ‘ou think I’d have gone if—I ’ve felt ull enough ever since, without that ! Miss T. Oh, I expect you ’ve had a beautiful time. We have. Miss P. (coming up). Rosexr, I thought you wanted to see the Alps? You should come over to the other side, and—— aise yA te Saye - ms sees the ing, y — when we're through our tlk. Miss P. As wy please, dear. But (pointedly) did 1 not see Mr. Cut- CHARD below ? Miss T. You don’t mean to say you ’re wearied of Mr. Vaw BoopELrr already! Well, Mr. Cuncnarp will | be along soon, and I’ll loan him to | you. ‘ll tell him you’re vurry anxious to converse with him some more. He’s just coming along now, with Mr. Popsury and P Miss P. (under her breath). Mavo! if you dare—— ! Miss T. Don’t you dare me, then—or you'll see. But I don’t want to be mean unless I’m obliged to. [Mr. Trorrer, followed by Cutcnarpd and Popsvry, arrives at the upper platform, CuLcHaRD and Popsury efface them- selves as much as possible. Mr. Trotrer greets Miss Prenpereast heartily. Mr. T. Well now, I call this sociable, meeting all together again like this. I don’t see why in the land we didn’t keep together. I’ve been saying so to my darter here, ever since Bellagio—ain’t that so, Maun? And she didn’t know just how it came about either. Miss P. (hurriedly). We—we had to be getting on. And I am afraid we must say good-bye now, Mr. Trorrer. I want Bon and Mr. Popsvry to see the Da Vinci fresco, you know, before the light goes. (Bos mutters a highly disrespectful wish concerning that work of Art.) We may see you again, before we leave for Verona. Mr. T. Verona? ell, I don’t care if I see Verona myself. | Seems a pity to separate now we hare met, don’t it? See here, now, we 'll all go to Verona er—how’s that, Maun? Start whenever you feel like it, Miss Prewpgreast. How does that pro- 5 ng ol I'll be real hurt if you cann’t take tomy idea. | Miss T. fact is, Poppa, Hyraria isn’t just sure that | PRenxpEgReast wouldn’t object.

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—— DecemBer 12, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 281 Bob P. 1—object? Not much! Just what I should dike, seeing Verona with fapetier, ou know! Miss T. Then I guess ¢ speechless). Come, you haven't the heart to go and disappoint m poor Cousin CHARLEY by saying you won’ 0! He'll be perfectly enchanted to be under vow—unless you ’ve all the vacancies (Aloud, to Van B., pry apt mm ve persuaded -ENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you feel equal to entertaining her ? (To aie E-) P.) Van B. spat, be prend to ho pesmsiited, te Sy. Then I meg t take S Sas yeas with me that the 1 future American fictionist move away, conversing. | Podb. (To Curcn.) I say, old fellow, = to be travelling com | paigne again, after all. And a jolly good thing, too, J think ! Culch. Oh, h’m—quite so. That is—bat no doubt it will be an advantage—(with a glance at Van B., who is absorbed in Miss P.’s | conversation)—in—er—some respects. | poor dear Popsury’s point of view, I’m afraid, I | if he sees nothing——! He shrugs his s However, 8, pityingly. | OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Pocxet-Booxs for next year are coming in. Which for choice ? ** Solvitur ambulando”’ should be the resolution of the difficulty, | given by 7 firm at saat, on 4 * \ Lg They are andy, an convenient y pocketable, but to “* amang taking notes,” plain leaves and no fruit, and no dates, hp why say, would be preferable. ey re reasonable prices, you can’t ct to get ’em for nothing ; if you do—** WALKER \» ‘he Baron highly approves of Messrs. DE LA Rue’s pocket-books. i oa It is pleasant to have age in one’s pocket, even if only a % book As to account - books and diaries—well | N enter nothing} H therein but has been pleasant and fitable, and ms who ad this rule will pot find their mem } overcrowded at the end of the ear. ‘* Letts be appy, while we into the sea of matrimony, ahons may you all get on swimmingly. propos, M es Biytue and Gay say that the Christmas Number of Woman, produeed by Bog mee Bi of women, is as full of attractive power as the Magnetic y herself ** ArrowsmiTH’s Shilling Sensational, by ‘a New Author,’” quoth the Baron, ‘would, methought, serve pour me distratre.” The ‘“* New Author” uses the re abl a2 device of a mole on the lost child’s breast. Isn’t that ? Miss Box and Miss Coz are lost, and found. ‘“* Have you a mole on your, . 7 breast ?”’ “Yes!” “Then it is both of you! So useful is the explanation that ‘* Hanwell ey a little village, a .- miles from London.” Perhaps it is the locality, there or thereabouts, this thrillingly interesting tale—which could have been told in a pages, and needn’t have been told at all—was written. Well ’s Hanwell that ends Hanwell,” and ‘I’ve galloped through : b's) story before now,” quoth the Baron, yawning, and so to In John Leech, His Life and Work (Bentier) Mr. Furrn quotes from an anonymous but obviously not an original authori 2 Ge dictum, “* It is the happiness of such a life ae Leecn’s) that o little to be told of it.” Mr. Bewrizy has = two Remaeome y the reputation of his ancient and honourable house They” enarin Y admirable reproductions of some of LeEcn’s best Siouat by the oun and sym eye of Mr. Farra. These are and will remain the chief attractions of a work to which ’s fixed. (Aside, to Mie P.. who is | so "(To himself.) Hardly from | s what to tellin oranda | which Mr. Frira liestele inte ood nny Fa the] Baron,'in common with the civilised world,fhas been’ forward to with interest, and of whose realisation he regrets - hear y | dates hn heeiete ted > ann Mg ot i ot ror — in this -piggledy ey acts opinions. But we all know that Lezcn died in October, 1864. It was in Mr Punch’s pages that he found the true field for his heaven-born genius For twenty years at Leecu, a very thin volume would have sufficed, even had he included the more useful of his remarks on method. But there being two volumes to fill, Mr. FRITH ys Event Turning Over the Pages. The P. eeeesy Parties, by LBERT Smitu; Mr. Sponge’s Sporting Tour, and other not very high-class literature, whose only claim to being re- mepheess 3 is that Lexcn illustrated them. Of The Marchioness of , ALBERT Saurrn’s attempt to rival the attractions of the Novegate Calendar, Mr. Frirn positively gives two whole chapters! lots one to the Bon Gaultier Ba , and nineteen mortal pages the pe! d of Miss a with copious extracts from that easily accessible work. This is not Memoir-writing, it is bookmaking, The reader ean skip these ope rs, ~+ diligently searching, will find here and _— a ray of li > Game on this beautiful placid life, weighed down as it was liest manhood by family circumstances at * Give, give!” was, truly, the cry of the daughters of the horseleach. There are, however, several other anecdotes contributed by personal friends of Lercn’s, who re ome to Mr. Frrrm’s assistance, and succeed in the main in book an interesting one, as giving the outside world of a sweet and manly character. The volumes are anal with i illustrations. These are Lercn’s own work, and make the volumes worth more than their published price. Tue Baron pe Boox-Worms & Co. TO EVANGELINE, On, come and be my Queen, I shun the soup tureen And share my lot And pine for you ; In some artistic cot At pudding, joint, and stew At Turnham Green, y face turns green— Evaycetine! | What do the symptoms mean, EVANGELINE ? The pain a If Fate should come between My Love and me, This countenance will be No more serene, EvaNnGcELine! With nitro-glycerine I'll my flight, Or _ will ignite Some Magazine— Some P Magazine, Evance.tne! EvancEeLine! Your beauty ’s dazzling sheen Upsets me quite— ite been, EvVANGELINE! An Aunt at Will. [A lawsuit has been occasioned in India through white ants devouring a will.) Ir is usually supposed that Australia is topsey-turvey mad, but in with their mde of pronedur ot home. A contraries, W com with their mode of ure at home apy = nome —a in Caleutta through white ants dev dante (who are ra wery | — ake ville “bless ey, yor we devour them, or at least liv proceeds.

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| 282 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |[Decemper 12, 1891,

Papa (to Friend from Town Little Daughter. ** On, . "Taere, uy Boy, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT TO Do! Para, TAKE CARE You pon'T Fatt Orr, as you Dip THE oTHER Day!”

DEAR CHILD! *e- - me —yw c a a Me” (i Z a fia Get a GEE, AND COME OUT WITH THE HovNDs!”

KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO; Or, Suaxspeare BALFOURISED. Kathleen . Hipgmwia. Petruchio . Mr. BaLrour. Grumio ..... Mr Jackson. Haberdasher . . Mr. GLADSTONE. Petruchio. Thus have I politicly begun my reign, And ’tis my hope to end successfully ; My falcon now is sharp, and passing empty ; And, till she stoop, she must not be full- gorg *d, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way I have to man my haggard, Co make her come, and know her keeper's ca ; That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites | That bate, and beat, and will not be obedient. She plays no tricks to-day, nor none shall play Last Session she ruled not, DSession ; | Resolute government is the only way fo smooth these stormy spirits. nor shall next All the same, A fter the hurly-burly, I intend All shall be done in reverend care of her ; And, in conclusion, she shall have her rights, If she will cease to rise, and rail, and brawl, And with her clangour keep the world awake. This is the way to kill her wrath with kind- ness, And thus1’ll curb her mad and headstrong | humour.— He that knows better how to tame a shrew, Let him speak out! knew ! Tis time the kingdom | rathleen. The more my wrong the more his smile a ars! How doth he notion me—and master me !— I—I, who never knew how to submit, Nor never fancied that I should submit,— Am a strife, stupid for lack of With few | _kept bridled, and with Order saddled And that, which spites me more thau all these stints, He does it under name of perfect love ; As who should say, if I should have my will, ness or else prese nt death. *T were deadly sic Petruchio. Katuuren, thou mend’st apace! And now, my love, Will we return unto thy Love me or love me not, I like the And it I will ini or I will have none Grumio (aside). Then is she like to go bareheaded long! (Left arguing. Sequel—some day.

Ovr Otp Frrenp Once More.—Mrs. Ram has lately taken to theatre-going. She says, however, oe she doesn’t Seek hts of pieces, the gee om are full il of Couksta.” ™

—

‘NEW THLVY | Thi» MVAM NANOMATINAD UNV ‘YUTIVAS ON ZAVH STH AL TrzJ wrod <SSaHL SV SLVH HOOS JUT ‘rr wyy Lad -mactunohog eavedsyoys—,, NOIHSVA UAHLONV AO

i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemeer 12, 1891. ‘ " NUNN \) 4 NTS } KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO. Karuieen. “I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME, Perrvcnio. ‘WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, AND GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE,” BUT—OF ANOTHER FASHION.”—Shakspeare Balfourised.

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Page 11

DecemBer 12, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE. (Extracts from Letters found in a German Post-bag. ) To a Bishop. Ir has occurred to me that your ser- mons are not quite as ¢ as they should be. You do not seem to your subject with sufficient strength. have not time to come to listen to you, | as I have other pressing engagements, | and consequently write from y. | Still, I believe 1 have good reason fo | my strictures. However, that you ma | have an excellent example upon whic to model i discourses in the future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy your pulpit. 1 will | wire ten minutes before I arrive with | my sermon. i To a General. I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manceuvres. Nothing could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National An- them half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of The G. 0. M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap). PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPADIC CIRCUS. (Under the Immediate Patronage of Lord Salisbury. ) Tae Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have the honour to announce that, in deference to the ex- pressed opinion of the Preurer or THE Unrrep Kryepom, that it would be wise to substitute Cir- cuses for sechool-rooms in the provinces, have arranged for the holding of A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA, on a scale of umprecedented i- ficence. The Members have , at consi: le expense, that admirable ‘Arti Tue Covnrer or Born tHe Giopes, who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, exhibit and explain a series of gigantic maps of EUROPE, Sh, Arai, AND AMERICA, This Star Artist will be followed by that talented troupe of relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their performances under the assumed but appropriate name of Tue Bovnprxe Brorners oF THE SPELLING-BEEs, ne EAST DORSET ELECTION RESULT CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY SS the country without telling their offi- cers, and then, when they least expect it, you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke to see commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers! They will be so surprised! And sha’n’t we laugh! But mind, not a word to any- one until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved | well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion. } To a Theatrical Manager. I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening, | and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the repre- sentation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down! my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don’t like the costume of the Tragedy Queen—her heels are too high and why does she wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. He has to| walk about with a band-box. Now why does | he not seize the opportunity to Reco it on a| chair and sit upon it? This would have a very | comical effect. I have seen it done, and it made | me laugh. Please let him sit upon the band- | box forthe future. If he sits down accidentally | the effect will be heightened. It will be very funny. By the way, let all the box-keepers ive programmes free of charge to officers and adies under forty. I shall soon be at the “ theatre again to attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that you may have proper time to call your company together. Till then, you incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace ! To a Doctor. I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not. Before ou cut off another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date fe early as I can—probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and give you my opinion. By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear from me, as I may want to see you at any time. To a Coach-builder. You don’t know how to make a carriage. The other day I thought of a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it. How- ever, I tancy it had something to do with square wheels. At an rate you had better not e@ any more carriages until I call. will come as soon as I can—probably before Spring twelvemonths. To a Relative. Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the least with you. I hate people who do not mind their own business. hy not attend to your own, and leave mime alone ? a 7a So pet take care, I will arrange to visit you in State! Bo you better mind what you are about ! They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels (bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus combining amuse- ment with instruction. iy last act will to keep in rimul- taneous motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the sentence, ‘‘ Farewell to all kind friends in front.” This marvellous double quartette will be followed by THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST, who will ride his fayourite two-wheeled vehicle while he sings a song intro- ducing in a pleasing manner the Mul- tiplication Table. This sweet-toned vocalist will be succeeded by The Star-loving Pig attended by Comical Herschel. In which the former will spell out (with the assistance of card-board letters) a number of interesting astro- nomical facts at the instigation of his mirth-provoking master and proprietor. This talented performer will be followed by THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE. Ry which the — at haber appear on hemeepeck, and go tee h the of studies ficiency in which is required by the Tenth Standard) without a oaks mistake, " The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and jubilant conclusion by A Silver Collection in aid of the Rates! QUEER QUERIES.—Ovr Derences.—I am informed that Mr. STANHOPE is ex ortly to go abroad, ‘‘® order to recruit.” Can even the blindest military optimist any + = deny that the British Army is a nefarious imposture, when the Minister for War is forced into an ignominious attempt to raise a body of foreign mer- cenaries by his own efforts ? Hawr-pay Parnior. ScientiFic.—Could you kindly tell me what ‘‘ the Great Ice Age’ means? My Pater me to hear some fellow lecture about it the other day, but I couldn’t understand much of what he said. 1 thought he was going to talk about strawberry ices end lemon ices, which I like awfully, but he didn’t even mention them! Don’t you think twelve is the great Ice Age—I mean _ the age when boys ought ue allowed to eat as many as they like? N.B.—I_am just ve. Tommy Worrn Sremo.—We understand that to the Exhibition of ‘* Instruments of Torture,” and now on view in London, have been Intel added. the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and a ‘ Shakspeare or use ” = Mem. sy “Tue Orriciu. Racerven,”—" Firm as a Rock” will not be henceforth a proverl’ of universal application.

Page 12

jAole g, (GAd nk

6 { "Tih = all ira aden \ £ : - - fA S

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Decco 12, 1891, |

———_—__—__» | MEETING ' ‘ CAND) OATE a 72

<i, a 4 ae | % Ma Continent Aas Of tal at Muesfo lean or heat

ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM’S VICISSITUDES.

Page 13

Decempgr 12, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TRAN-SLATED. a newly-discovered fragment of an old Greek supposed to be a very early ‘* Agamemnon,” ) f Bei Ag Play, > Cly. The coals I bought as Wallsend are not so. . Thus groundless hopes vanish—like coals in smoke. y. You speak in words mysterious, lacking sense. . The sense is patent to the reasoning mind. . And yet I paid for them upon the nail. . What matter, if the price was far too low ? . Then call you eighteen shillings low for coal ? Yes, for ‘‘Prime Wallsend”—what could you . Listen! I saw a notice telling of these > It called them “‘ ever-burning” ; said no skill’ Could put them out when once they were alight, Because they were ‘‘ the best the world uced,”’ I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out slates. My household maidens by Prometheus swear They never saw such stuff for lighting fires. What of it is not slag, that part is slate, And slated should they be that sold it me. Moreover, when with anger I remarked To those who bore the sacks upon their backs, Within our cellars to deposit them, That they had better bear their loads away Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of slate, They answered that, if they refused to burn, They might be useful for a Rockery ! So now they have the shillings, T the coals. And having them, we have no household fires. . What then todo? Yow sit with idle hands. Ag. I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of slag. ‘ly. But you can seek the Archon, and denounce The man whose cunning robs our hearth of flame. In passing ’long the public way [expect? | coals . (going out). In what you say not nothing I perceive. | Yomen, in hunting cheapness, capture costs, Cnorvs. STROPHE. The puny race of men Soars, in imagination, to the skies; While tackling Science and Theosophy Their hands the coal-scoop grasp! Cnuorvus. ANTISTROPHE. From high Olympus Zeus Smiles at the perjuries of coal-heavers. Not always is the cheapest article The one that turns out best. > >. > > > A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS. in Anticipation of the not very Distant Future. ) Ir was a very unseasonable Yule-tide. Instead of the old-fashioned mild weether that had been the constant companion of Christmas for many years, the ground was covered with snow and the river blocked with ice. How- ever, thanks to modern improvements, the artisans had not been impeded in executing their fo as provided by a recent statute. They at their Club mapouates by the State), i papers purchased out of the rates, and were | that no food and drink was supplied them for nothing. —— _ —— THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. ‘‘WeLL, coop-Byg, Miss Smirn. Tet THe ornmeRs I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO FIND ANYONE aT Home—a—A—A—Excert You—a!” ** It would never do,”’ said an old workman, who remembered the eight-hour day that used to prevail at the end of the Nineteenth Century. ‘* You see were | we to have beer at will, the brewers’ draymen might complain. It was once attempted, but the Licensed Victuallers made such a disturbance that the idea | was abandoned.” | “ There is something in what you say,” observed a second workman ; “ but, | for the life of me, I don’t see why the Nation shouldn't provide bread.” | **No, there you are out! cried a third. ‘‘ 1 am a baker, and anything that interferes with my industry won't do.” And so they talked, discussing this and that, until all the subjects of the leaders in the daily papers had been exhausted. It was then that one of the workmen sug a walk and a pipe on the Embankment. ae So they lounged down the main thoroughfare of London, with its pleasant cafés and well-appointed restaurants, and came to the conclusion (for the fiftieth time) that it was far better than anything of the same kind in Paris, or any other of the capitals of Europe. They had all been abroad during their State- assisted vacation, and consequently had the chief towns of the world, so to speak, at their finger-tips. As they sauntered along, they came to a group of half- starved, perambulating performers, who were giving an entertainment toa crowd of bystanders. It was not a good programme. First a young woman in rags, played on an old piano, with decent precision, some extremely difficult variations of Cuoomr’s Funeral March. She was followed by aman who painted a portrait \of a leading statesman indifferently well. Then another man jumped into the river, and made his way in the cold water with the ease of a fifth-rate professional swimmer. Then a second young woman recited something or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. And the whole concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by a seedy-looking old man), which was illustrated with some ambitious, But feeble experiments. : On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public were rather pleased than otherwise, when a police constable ordered the troupe ‘to move on.” The r people gathered er their impedimenta and prepared to obey the officer's hest. It was then that the performers came face to face with the artisans. There was a cry of recognition. oh ie oo * Why, Soul you believe it!’ exclaimed one of the workmen, “‘if it isn’t Satty Jones, and Tommy Browy, and Norau Jenxrys, and Harry Suita!” The well-fed and the starving cordially greeted one another. Then there were mutual explanations, and the old man had lectured upon chemistry had his say :—

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| clever people like you! had to put up with | tears in his eyes, ‘‘ for your fate is happier than ours. 288 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Decempen 12, 1891. “You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so much worse off than you, although we were educated at the same Board School? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely made up your minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. You became builders, bakers, coal-heavers and paviors.”’ Ah, we did that,” sighed out the elderly workman, ‘‘ because | we were too backward to attempt anything better. We were not We couldn’t play the piano, and paint and swim, and go in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, and ssing a very low standard.” ‘Thank your lucky stars it was so,”” exclaimed the chemist, with We are all fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance against those | who have been born to this kind of thing, and we have forgotten how | to do your work. So we are starving, and—— | all ” liceman, whoordered Half one way and But here the old man was interrupted by a of them to move on. And on they moved. half the other. OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN. ‘*Crasvs” has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart to add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake of | our readers whom he may have induced to patronise his financial | schemes, we give a few slight details of the disaster. | never set eyes on y nluding | of the Pei-ho Provinces, of Samarcand, Four d days ago enormous piles of letters n to arrive at our omce, They were addressed to ‘‘ Craesvs,” and had been sent on to us from his last address marked “gone away ; try office o' Punch.” We opened them. y were all threaten- ing letters. se Ww h y,” wrote one angry gentle- , have I heard no- thing from you since | sent you my cheque for £10,000? Unless I re- ceive a reply withina week, A ae proceedings will be ta- ken.” The rest were simi in tone. There- upon we re- ved to call atthe lastad- dress given to us by **Cresvs.” It was some- where in the Mile End Road. We arrived, en- tered, as- eended the stairs, _ and 4] found in a OLKVS & LENS. Re CHEAPSIDE.EC. Portrait of “‘ Crassus.” & bed- room, three used half-penny stamps, a false nose, a pair of whiskers, and a large sheet of paper on which were written only these words: ** Sold Again” ~whteh couse referred to some financial scheme or other. On inquiring of the landlady, we heard that her lodger had departed two days before, taking with him two large heavy wooden chests. He had promised to return. We then consulted the police. They are very reticent, but consider they have got a elue. And here we owe it to our readers to make a ession. We have - ” We engaged him entirely on the at ge ‘ie the tin hale aie -Managers, vaj of Ashanti and of back | say, on Mondays, County, U.S.A. All these gentlemen wrote in the most compli- mentary terms of ‘‘ Crassus.” ‘* He is a man,” wrote the r of the Dodge County Bank, ‘‘ whom I have the honour to know intimately for a considerable number of years. we were educated together, and not a day has passed since then without our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him th hly fitted | for the responsible position of financial director of a high- | Metropolitan paper. His personal appearance is aristocratic and | prepossessing, his manners have about them a distinction which impresses all who meet him, and his dress, though modest, is always pleasing. His complete command of twenty-four languages esest be of the highest advantage to him in unravelling the tangled skein of international finance.” Acting upon such testimonials we engaged “*Crarsus.” We have now reason to believe that we have been made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert in handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his opinion, that every single one of these recommendations is in handwriting of **Craesus”’ himself, and the police, after protracted inquiries, have assured us that the Banks, whose supposed managers us in favour of ‘* Crarsvs,” never had any actual existence at all. All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing herewith the photograph of ‘‘ Crasvs.”” We apologise to all whom he may have deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible for any damage he has caused. We shall publish no more financial contributions in the meantime. Ep. ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG. Mr. Puncu, Srr,—IfI start a butcher’s business, and give my shop | the special title of The Welsh Meat Shop, is the great British Public f | so narrow-minded as to expect me to sell them only Welsh meat, the roduce of Welsh farms only? If so, the ublic, with all due , 1s ahass. For if I who have to live,—though perhaps others may not see the necessity for my existence,— by my ‘rade, find that the Welsh meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and waiting, is not forthcoming, only one of two things can I dc ; the one is to shut up ‘ shop (which I won’t), and the other is to vide my intending customers with French, ndian, English, Irish, Seoteh, American, Australian, New Zealandian, Cape Colonial, in fact with any meat I can get from any- where, and as long as it is toothsome, and I can afford to sell it at an average price, why should it not be sold | at my Royal Welsh Meat ~~ When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby bar myself from dealing in English or foreign meats? Do I bar myself from dealing in Indian pickles or China oranges? No, certainly not; nor do I bar myself from selling neckties, gloves, ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts. So, when a House of Musical Enter- tainment is styled The English Opera House, it must be understood, ‘all to the contrary nevertheless and notwithstanding,” to mean an English House where Opera may be performed, and not a Theatre where only English Opera is Housed. ‘‘ My soul can not be fettered,” as the poet says,—what poet, I don’t know and don’t care, but he said it, whoever he was, and he was right. If there is no English Opera for my House, then I get a French Opera, or a Dutch one, just as at an oyster-shop—but perhaps this is not quite the illustration I should like, as, at an oyster - shop, they do ask you which you will have, “* Natives,” or ‘‘ Seconds,” or ‘‘ Anglo-Dutch” ; and, when you can’t afford Natives, you put up with an inferior quality at a lesser price. But if that oyster-seller called his shop ‘‘ The Native-Oyster Shop,” should I have any ground of action against him for selling any other oysters except Natives? No. But then he would me “If I wanted Natives or not?’’ And if I said ** Yes,” he would give me Natives. NowI admit I do not ask the Public at the doors Which will you have? because I may not be able to have an English Opera always on tap, so to speak. Metaphors a bit confused, but you know what | mean. If I had g Sow Engich Operas on tap I might turn ’em on, Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by English Composers on those days, and on the other days, any a any Composers. But if Publie won’t come on lish Opera nights, and will come on the other nights? What then? Why obviously I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a barrel, and deal only with the foreign supply. ‘* Blame not ”—T] mean blame not the patriotie man of business, but let our cry be “* Art for Art’s sake,” and the English Opera neve ! that is, as long as Art and English ra > ours, ne = er anp Anyrurxe You Like AFTERWARDS. Dodge | Sportsman Latest From SHorsuire.—The onl eqeverriat beverage for @ out shooting,—why ‘‘ Pop Ls sure. ‘> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Dra in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed En there will be no exception. or Pictures of any description, wili Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dscewemn 12, 1891. ‘S_PEPTONIZED - | Contains no Sugar. PEASE, SON & CO., | English Add: LONDON Established 1808. (Please mention ordering.) © WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. OF ALL DEALERS. e sure and ask for GRANT'S, and don't be put of with inferior makes. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY 70 SAVE ‘TEE TELTE, TOE DALy THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER Reantifies and Preserves the Terra > io arts a Sweet Fragrance to the Bazar. noling and Refreshin, ud Movra. he 4 takes away smell of Tosacc NJ ie pense of this the first liquid Dentifrice 47 land has led to many txsvaious at me t is necessary for purchasers 1 4c a er ott le ls . ’ C h 2 A and Stores, or sent, 55, BOLD ) STRESS, LIVERPOOL. Oriental = cn oth > tri PASCO. WRIGHT Sie e COAL: -#, TAR: =" SOAP | “ EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1889. CONCENTRATED Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. FOR TRAVELLERS, DELICATE ve cuneen, WEAK DICESTIONS. DELICIOUS. a, == COCOA ano MILK Tins, 1s. Gd. and Qs. 6d., obtainable everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. LEA & PERRINS SAUCE. The Original and Genuine ' Worcestershire Sauce.” For HOT and COLD -—Gige >. MEATS some THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY Is not stored in Sherry Casks. Tor DIABETES, GOUT, & KIDNEY COMPLAINTS. “ Certainly seems to deserve its name." —Laxcer. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. GEO. BACK & GO., Devonshire Square, London. This Grand be Whiskey a blend ry Motte and Original EERINGS scam Corexsacen amin MATHEWS & .. yom. aaruews «0, (HERRY BRANDY. Bold by all Lea apt ume Meme “rs throughout The Best Liqueur. Signature is on ¢ » of the Genuine a figh- ate. the Oa, Poet | eye a sam wit Sony obttam on veseigh of P.O for te Sold only in |-ounce ase Bafeh, ont 2, 4, 8 ounce, and 1-Ib a Ay we hg fm fine smoking condition. san et'ell Te pbaceo Sellers’, SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED “AGAINST IMITATIONS. The Genuine bears the Trade-Mark, “‘ Wottingham Castle,” on every Packet and Tis. PLAYER'S WAVY CUT CICARETTES, ta Packets containing 12, and Bozes of 24. —_ putes ora EY eh i our ° gras So a pcan The following extract from the “ Kevizw or Bborsws, signs mber of the Kev wens wtarl . & it on Kina gre sa rec a hr a (thle io het on chvertienabent) I enclose, therefore, a ¢ cheque for the amount.’ a THE PIPE IN THE WORKHOUSE —The picture drawn by our A pp py poor old feat k wi the Oetober with tobacts. I am afraid, ) wr ENGLISH ks PERFUME Always Refreshing, Sweet and Lasting. PRICE 4/, 2/6, 5/, & 40/6 per Bottle, || To be had of all Perfumers, Chemists, gc. WHOLESALE—R, HOVENDEN & SONS, BEANERS STREET, W., & Crt¥ Road, B.C. LONDON, UAM-VAR WHISKY. THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. USED IN THE PALACE AND TEE CHIZELING. THE BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards Recommended by the Medical Faculty INNES & GRIBVE, EDINDUBGE and LOWDON. ADAMS'S a FURNITURE POLISH. THE OL DEST AND BEST. “Tar Qr wy t (the Lady's Newspaper ytd a it.” by Grocers, Lronmongers, Oilmen, &e Manatactory—SHEFFIELD DEN BRONZE HAIR. bevels pagnes, aad akin, ae Wint Irian Londo SUS dallintrsehe” © “ feels no PORTABLE RAILWAY USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. ~ BEST FOOD INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., 2s., 58., and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, tonvon, AND SOLD EVERYWHERE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKL—Decemuer 12, 1891. The late editor of the Sanitary Review, writing on “ The Consumption of Cocoa,” warns the public against the use of foreign cocoas containing alkali, and makes the following allusion te the firm of CADBURY Baotnens :—“It is the aim and practice of this famous firm to send out cocoa absolutely pure, of the highest quality which art will permit,” NO CHEMICALS USED. CADBURY'S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE, THEREFORE BEST. Primted by William Stuart Smith, of Loraine Road, , im the Parish " Middlesex Offices of Messra. Bradbary. * Lontburd Suresh. te the Preckasd of Whiketsinss. te the tity of Landen, and Fubiisnsa ty Uharot Ste bi Vices Stuck to tee Pasta of OF Bribe: Clay of London -davwnnet, a, ‘Ligatiedy