Punch 1891-11-21: Vol 101 Iss 2628

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemeer 21, 1891.

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| Novewper 21, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 241 CARS, RAREBITES IN HONOUR OF THE WELSH LORD MAYOR, STRANGELY ENOUGH OMITTED FROM THE PROCESSION ON THE NINTH. | CANCEL, OR RECALL. Tue World last week sounded a |note about the compulsory retire- ment, by reason of age, from one of the large Revenue Departments, of a gentleman who has the great honour to be the son of ‘‘the most distin- prised Irishman of this century.” f this sentence has really been 4 authoritatively, which Mr. Punch takes leave to doubt, then said * Authority” will do well to recall it in favour of the son of the Libera- tor, which his name is also ‘‘ Dawn.” | And, to give the well-known lines so often quoted, — “When Dan’. saw the writing on the wall, At first he couldn't make it out at all.” And the sooner the official writing on the wall—if it exists—be oblite- rated, the better for the public ser- | viee, as, when the public, like the | Captain in the ba lor,” ** Comes for said British Public ar /much applaud what has a done” in suppressing, not issuing, recon- sidering. or revoking the order. So |says “‘Mr. P.,” and the “B. P.” | will agree with him. THE ANCIENT MILLINER. (His Reminiscences of the Recent Gale.) PART I. It was the Ancient — Stood by his open doo The tale he told was eiies like A tale I’d heard before. I called forthwith a Hansom, and ** Now, Cabman, drive!” I cried ; ‘For I must get this bandbox home Before the eventide. “* The bride a- pacing up the aisle Mad as a dog would be, Without this sweet confec- tion of Silk and pas- sementerie.”’ Westward the cab flew. e horse Was kick- some, wild, rs and d gay we He tossed his head from side to side In an offen- sive way. He tossed his head, he shook his mane, And he was big and black ; He wore a little mackintosh Upon his monstrous back. I mused upon that mackintush, All mournfully mused I; It was too small a thing to keep So large a beastie dry. And on we went up Oxford Street With a short, uneasy motion ; What made the beast go sideways I Have not the faintest notion, But we ran into an omnibus With a short, uneasy motion. All in a hot, impro The rude Nie dulver on sald, Raining Cats and Doga, That them what couldn't drive a horse | Should try a moke instead. Never a word my, cabman spoke— No bsg reply— But, oh, a thousand scathing things He thought ; and so did I. ** What ails thee, Ancient Milliner ? What means thy ashen hue ? Why look’st thou so?”—I murmured, * Blow!” And at my word it blew. PART II. The storm-blast came down Edgware Road, Shrieking in furious glee, It struck the cab, and both its doors Leaped open, flying free. I shut those doors, and kept them close With all my might and main ; The storm-blast snatched them from my | And forced them back again. fhands, It blew the eabman from his perch Towards the hornéd moon ; I saw him dimly overhead Sail like a bad balloon. It blew the bandbox v4 away Across the angry se The English Channel ’ ‘: santioad with Silk and passementerie. The silly horse within the shaft One moment did remain ; And then the harness snapped, and he Went flying through the rain ; And fell, a four-legged meteor, Upon the coast 0 Spain. First Voice. ‘* What makes that cab move on so fast Wherein no horse I find?” Second Voice. ** The horse has cut away before ; The cab ’s blown from behind.” Then just against the Harrow Road I made one desperate bound— A leprous lam a and m self Lay mingled in a swoun And cables snapped, eer all things | snappe When the -_ morn was grey, The Telegraph appeared whe Its ** Paris Day by Day.” PART III. Oh, chea is a pleasant thing, tidlovel trom Be roe e! Tee get a thing at wh lil For — your friend pays twopence Is oe unto the soul. And cheaper than that Hansom cab Whose tale I ’ve told thee thus, Far cheaper it had been to take The stately omnibus ! To take the stately omnibus Where all together sit ; Each takes his ticket in his hands, Obeys the Company’s commands, And pays his pence for it. And if 7 ag not find yenrostt Wree the Edgware Road, Do not be shh and declare You wish you may be blowed ! THE ‘*MASHER’S” ANSWER. (Dr. Ananetta Keneary, in the Westminster | Review, is severe on the young men of the day for not dancing, and avoiding matrimony.) Biess me, Doctor ARABELLA, Hard a ‘lady’ s hand can strike ! Do you re ally mean a e a’ Is to dance just when you like ? Why so savagely sar- castic, That we will not ** take the floor,”’ And account the ** light fantastic ’ 7 You avow we're shy of marriage. Is not that too hard again ? When a maiden wants a carriage, And a mansion in Park Lane, Diamonds, furs, and opera-boxes : Alt h ardently one loves, All the balance I’ve at Cox's Wouldn’t keep a girl in gloves. VOL. Cl, Yr

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Lord Halsbury (to Bill Sikes). “‘Iv you pDoy'r say the opportunity of stating what is the truth.’ is most reasonable—the ace used atep is ing « a bad look-out for rogues, but for n Tue Law should be the embodiment Of everything that is excellent. But . fancy I’ve found one diminutive To exclude the accused from the Witness’s = peculiar things, ‘thin ky and rare, In that else impeccable thing, the Law To alter that is a duty for As its constitutional guardian, I 242 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, © [Novemper 21, 189),

——<e

“WILL YOU, WON’T YOU?” ANYTHING, IT WILL GO AGAINST YOU; AND IF YOU D IT WILL BE ALL UP WITH Yol The Lonp Cuancetior declares himself the foe of any ‘technieal system’ which excludes ‘anybody who knows anything about the facts from . We may take it that very soon we shall see that which may appear strange to English lawyers, but really it of the dock into the witness- box, and giving his evidence, subject to the ordeal of cross-e xamination. It may dy «€ lee.” Times. | Must extract that mote from the legal eye. Here's the Box, my Sixes! With partion It seems a preposterous paradox I invite you, WILLIAM, to—step insi (pride aw Box. I shall have to show you when you are there. ** Will you walk into my par——” dear me A very unprejudiced Chancellor. What a curious matter is memory!

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Novempsr 21, 1891.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. What, what has that old song to do With the little matter ’twixt me and you? | apologise for the irrelevance, for I am such a logical Chancellor! If you step inside—as I trust you will— We — worm out the Truth with forensic skill ; And if you decline—as I hope you won't— We shall know there are reasons, friend, why you don’t. So the Truth must benefit any way, My beloved Britt. What is that you say ? You don’t care a cuss forthe Truth? Oh, fie ! Truth makes one a free man. Step in and ’ try. The triumph of Truth is a triumph for A highly inquisitive Chancellor ! Twill be most instructive to Judge and Jury To hear you give evidence. Why this fury * We can judge, you see, by the way he’ll behave, ’Twixt a simpleton and a clever knave. The 7imes says so. E Confound the Times ? Oh, don’t say so, Brut! A man of crimes Might funk the ordeal ; but this is the plan To help the Law—and the Honest Man; And therefore the plan of all plans for A highly compassionate Chancellor ! * ROBERT ON THE LORD MARE’S SHO. Wet, I’ve had the grate good luck to have seen praps as menny Lord Mare’s Shos as most peeple, praps more—not so menny, in course, as that werry old but slitely hex- adgerating Lady, as bowsted as she had seen hunderds on ’em—but for sum things, speshally for Rain, and mud, and slush, the last one beats ’em all holler! What poor little Whales could have done to put the Clark of the Whether into sitch a temper, in course I don’t know, but if he ’d have had a good rattling attack of the gout in both big Tos, like some past Lord Mares as we has most on us heard on, he coudn’t posserbly have bin in a wuss one. Praps them as most xcited my reel pitty was the Lonp Mare’s six genelmen in their luvly new State liverries, and their bewtifool pink silk stockings a showing of their manly arves, all splashing along through the horful mud, and made crewel fun of by the damp and thortless crowd. The fust reel staggerer was the reel Firemen, about a thowsand on em, a marching along as bold as their brass Helmets. What did they care for the rain and the mud! and didn’t they look as it they was a longing for a jolly grand Fire to bust out, jest to show us how easy it was to put it out, tho’ they had lost their jolly Captin. Then there was the pretty Welch Milk Maids, in their chimbley-pot Hats, and their funny- looking eustooms, all a being drawn by six horses, and having some Bards and Arpers to take care on ’em, and lend ’em humberrellars to keep off the rain. Ah! won’t they have sum nice little stories to tell all their frends when they gits back to Whales, inclewding their singing of wun of their hold Welch songs afore the Lory Marr and all his nobel gests in the evening. No wonder that they was so estonished and bewillderd that they guite forgot to take off their chimbley-pot fats wile they was a singing. But their Lorp Mare and countryman kindly forgave em all, and away they went rejoysing. Upon the hole, I’m quite reddy to Sear my testimoney to the fack that, if we coud by any posserbility have left out the horful rain, and the mud, and the pore soaked and dismal-looking mothers and children, it woud have been about the werry finest looking Sho A STAGGERER! Rector's Wife (instructing an Aspiring Buttons, who has answered her advertisement), ‘‘ You "LU HAVE TO OPEN THE SHUTTERS AND THE Hat-Door, see TO THE Srupy Fixe, PuT Tax THINGS READY IN THE BATH-ROOM, THEN CALL YoUR MASTER PUNCTUALLY AT SIX, CLEAN His BooTs AND BRUSH HIS CLOTHES, CLEAN ALL THE CHILDREN’S Boots AND SHOgs, AND BRUSH THEIR CLOTHES, LAY THE BREAKFAST PUNCTUALLY Al E1cnT, AFTER WHICH YOU "LL HAVE TO GET THE Poxy AND TRAP READY TO DRIVE THE CHILDREN TO SCHOOL, AND BE | BACK IN GOOD TIME. AFTER YOU 'VE DRESSED THE PONY AND CLEANED YouR KNIVES AND SILVER, YOU WILL MAKE YOURSELF TIDY, AND THEN you 'LL LAY THE Luxcn——” ‘ Aspiring Buttons (gasping). ‘* PLEASE, 'M—BEG PARD'N—PLACE WON'T DO FOR ME. Wir, I SHOULD WANT A New Suit o’ CLOTHES BEFORE YOU 'VE FINISHED TELLING ME WHAT I've GOT TO DO, AND THEN I SHOULDN'T FIND TIME TO BE MeasURED FoR 'EM! Goop MORN'N,” [Exit Aspirant, ewer seen. The Bankwet at nite was jest as good as ushal, and indeed rayther better, and just to sho how thuroly eweryboddy had recovered from his morning's drenshing, the compny acshally larfed at the Lorp CaaNnceLion’s Speach, and cheerec the Loxp Mane to the Hekko! Ropert. Ratner Vacve.—Sir Epwarp Braproxp, Commissioner of Police, informs the Public, through a paragraph in the Times, about a meeting at the Marylebone Vestry, Coch, wien ever in the Metropolis a street is found to be dangerously slippery, some one (pro ably a policeman) is to telegraph to the ‘local authority” (who? what? which? where ’) and inform him, her, them, or it (whatever represents the aforesaid “* local authority ”), of the fact. Well, and what then? Who’s to do what, and when is it tobe done? And what is the penalty for not doing whatever it is’ SuortLy To Aprgar.—Amiable Almonds, by the Authoress of Cross Currents. _To be followed by Rum Raisins, Delightful Dates, and Polly Peach. Also, Dolt Care What Apples to Me! being the Story of ** A Mal wil a Cold id is Ed.” Bicorep.—An Anti-Ritualistie old Lady objected to paying her water-rate, when she was informed that she would be patronising ‘* a High Service. Memonanpcm For Mrvor Ports.—It is an elegant thing to write ballades and rondeauz, but it is tyrannous to read them to your visitors.

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| glasses up in my room! | pick "em up

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244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Novemper 21, 1891, Bob Pr. (to Popspury). Yes, came over by the St. Gothard. THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. is that girl who was taticing to CuLcHaRD just now? Do you _ No. XV her? I say, I wish you’d introduce me some time. ; a Miss T. (to CutcnarD). You don’t seem vurry bright this evening. SCENE The Table d Hite at Lugano: CULCHARD has not yet caught I’d like you to converse with your friend opposite, so I could get Miss PRENDERGAST’s eye. a chance to chip in. I’m ever so interested in that girl! Culchard (to Mr. Beturrnr). Have you—ah—been up Monte Culch. Presently— Generoso yet ? Mr. B. No. (After reflecting) No, I haven't. But I was greatl struck by its remarkably bold outline from below. Indeed, I dash off a rough sketch of it on the back of one of my visiting cards. I ought to have it somewhere about me now. (Searching himself.) Ah, I thought so! (Handing a vague little scrawl to CULCHARD, who examines it with the y hl interest.) 1 knock off quite a number of these while I’m abroad like this. Send ’em in letters to relatives at home—gives them a notion of the place. They are— ar—kind enough to value them. (CULCHARD makes a complimentary mumble.) Yes, 1’m a very rapid sketcher. Put me with repysr artists, and give us half an hour, and I—ar—venture to say I ld be on terms with them. Make it three hours, and—well, I daresay I shouldn’t be in it. Podbury (who has dropped into the chair next to Miss PREwpER- east and her brother). Bon, old chap, I'll come in the middle, if you don’t mind. I say, this i ripping—no idea of coming across you so soon as this. (Lowering his voice, to Miss P.) Still pegging away at my “* penance,”’ you see! Miss Prend. The stand that Mr. ! So tiresome, I left my

ar She peers up and ~<a down the line o 5 faces on her #4 3 ¥, side of the table. Mise 7. (to Culch. I want you shoul notice that girl. I think she looks just as nice as she can be, don’t you ? Culch. (carefully looking in every other directwn), 1 er — mumble — mumble — don’t exactly —— | Here a Waiter offers him a dish contain- ing layers of soles disguised under thick brown sauce ; CULCHARD mangles it with an ineffec- twal spoon, The Waiter, with pity- ing contempt, ** Tut- tut - tut! Peace, Stgnore feesh ons ” Cutcn. erentually lands a sole in a very damaged condition. Podb. (to Miss P.) No—not this side—just op ite. (Here CULCH., tn fingering a siphon which is remarka stiff on the trigger, contrives to send a spray across the table and sprinkle Miss Prenpereast, her brother, and Popeury, with impartial liberality). Now don’t you see him? As playful as ever, isn't he! Don’t try to make out it was an accident, old fellow. Miss ParenpERcast knows you! { Misery of CuLcHARD. Miss P. (graciously). Pray don’t apologise, Mr. Cutenarp ; not the least harm done! You must forgive me for not recognising you before, but you know of old how provokingly shortsighted I am, and I’ve forgotten my glasses. Culch. (indistinctly). I—er—not at all... most distressed, I assure you... really no notion—— Miss T (in an undertone). Say, you know her, then? And you never let on! Culeh. Didn't 1? Oh, surely ! yes, I’ve—er—met that lady. ( With ny deference to Mr. Betiensy, who has just addressed him. ou are an Art-Collector’ Indeed? And—er—have you—er—? Mr. B. \'ve the three finest Bodgers in the kingdom, Sir, and there’s a Gubbins—a Joe Gubbins, mind you, not John—that’s | hanging now in the morning-room of my place in the country that I wouldn't take a thousand poundsfor! [ go about using my eyes and cheap. Cheapest pas I ever bought was a Prout— thirty-two by twenty ; LY it for two pound ten! Unfinished, of course, but it only wanted the colour being brought up to the edge. Z did that. Took me half a dey, and now —well, any dealer would give me hundreds for it! But I shall leave it to the nation, out of respect for Provt’s memory. pleasure is more than mutual; but do I under-—

“| knock off quite a number of these while I’m abroad like this.” | Mr. CuLcHaRD. | Culeh, (loftily, as she rises to go in). ntly, if I have an unity. (Hastil: to Mr. B.) I gather that you paint yourself, ia ” Mr. B. Well, yes. I assure you I often goto a Gallery, see a picture there that takes my fancy, go back to my office, and paint it in half an hour from memory—so like the original that, if it were framed, and hung up alongside, it would puzzle the man who painted it to know t’other from which! I have indeed! I paint original pictures, too. Most important thing I ever did was—let me see now—three feet by two and three-quarters. I was most success- ful in getting an effect of rose-coloured snow against the sky. | sponge it up, and—well, it came right somehow. Luck, that was, not skill, you know. I sent that picture to the Royal Academy, and they did me the honour to —ar—reject it. Culch. (vaguely). An—er—honour, indeed.—(In despair, as Mr. B. rises.\—You—— You're not going! Mr. B. (consolingly). Only into the garden, for coffee. I observe ou are interested in Art. We will—ar—resume this conversation ater. [Rises ; Miss PrenperGast rises too, and goes towards the garden. Cudch. (as he follows, hastily). 1 must get this business over—if | ean. But I wish I knew exactly how much to tell her. It’s really very awkward tween the two of them I’m afraid I’ve been a little too precipitate. In the Garden ; a few munutes later. Miss Prend. (who has retired to fetch her glasses, with gracious layfulness). Well, r. CuLcHarp, and how has my knight rformed his lady’s vehests ? Culch. May I ask which knight you refer to? Miss

(slightly counten- ance). ich! Then —you know there is another? Surely there is nothing in that cir- cumstance to — to offend—or hurt you ’ Culch. Offended ? (Considers whether this would be a good line to take.) Hardly that. Hurt? Well, I confess to being pained —very much pained, to discover that I was unconsciously pitted —against Poppvry ! s Miss P. But why? I have expressed no preference as yet. You can scarcely have me so attached to him that you dread the result of a successful rivalry! : . | Culeh. (to himself). It’s a loop-hole—I’ll try it. (Aloud.) You | have divined my feeling exactly. In—er—obeying your commands, |I have learned to know Popsury better—to see in him a sterling nature, more worthy, in some respects, than my own. And I know how deeply he has centred all his hopes upon you, Miss PrenDrER- \east. Knowing, seeing that as I—er—do, I feel that—whatever it costs me—I cannot run the risk of wrecking the—er—life’s happiness | of so good a fellow. So you must really allow me to renounce vows ' accepted under—er—an imperfect comprehension of the—er—facts: { Wipes his brow. Miss P. This is quite too Quixotic. Reflect, Mr. Curcuann. Is such a sacrifice demanded of you? I assure you I am age neutral at present. I might prefer Mr. Popsury. I really don't know. And—and I don’t dike fang one of my suitors like this‘ Culch, Don’t tempt me! I—I mustn’t listen, I cannot. | No, renounce. Be kind to Popsvry—try to recognise the good in him |... he is so devoted to you—make him happy, if you can! Miss P. (affected). 1—I really can’t tell you how touched I am, I can guess th , <P ee gives me a better opinion of human nature . . it does, indeed ! } | Ah, Miss Prexpencast, don’t lose your faith in human nature! Trust me, it is—er— ED

at this renunciation must have cost |

g

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—_— | Novempsr 21, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 245 | surprises! (Alone.) Now am I an abominable humbug, or what? | | swear I felt every word I said, at the time. Curious psychological | state to bein. But I’m out of what might have been a very unpleasant mess at all events! Miss T. (coming upon him from round a corner). Well, I’m sure, Mr. Cutcmarp! Culeh. You are a young lady of naturally strong convictions, I am | aware. But what are you so sure of at the present moment ? Miss T. Well, I guess I’m not just as sure of you as i should like | be, anyway. Seems to me, considering you’ve been so vurry in- | consolable away from me, you’d a good deal to say to that young | lady in the patent folders. And I’d like an explanation—you ’re | right down splendid at explaining most things. Culch. (with virtuous indignation). So you actually suspect me of having carried on a flirtation! Miss T. I guess girls don’t use their pocket-handkerchiefs that way over the weather. 0 is she, anyway ? Culch. (calmly). If you insist on knowing, she is the lady to whom Mr. Popsury has every prospect of being engaged. ope your mind is at ease now ? Miss T. Well, I expect my mind would have stood the strain as it was—so it’s Mr. Poppury who’s her i here, you’re going to introduce me to that ing right away. It’s real romantic, ind 1’m perfectly d to make her acquaintance ! Culch. Hum—w She is—er—peculiar, don’t you know, and I rather doubt whether you will have much in common. Miss z Well, if you don’t introduce me, I shall introduce myself, | that’s all, | Culch, By all means. (70 hemself.) Not if I can prevent it, though! ONLY FANCY! We are in a position to give an emphatic contradiction to the rumour, put forward with much assurance, that the King of Spary has ente: oe ne- gotiations of a matri- monial character with reference to the d- niece of the Crown Prince of Roumanta. No one familiar with His Majesty’s views on the Triple Al-| liance, and his openly- ob opinion with respect to the occupation of Egypt, could for one moment give credence to a report so intrinsically absurd. Rymunp has been imposed upon by one of his young men. \, Our friend, whose ) susceptibility to the wiles of impostors, | though an amiable | weakness, somewhat | militates against his rfect success in life, | inted a para | grap’ announcin: that the Qveew will | leave Balmoral on| Friday the 20th inst. at half-past two in the afternoon, Her| Masesty reaching Windsor at nine o’clock on'Saturday morning. It is twenty-five minutes to three when the Royal train will start, and Windsor will not be reached till five minutes after the hour | mentioned by Rrwunp. It is crass inaccuracies like these that lower | the weekly press in the estimation of an observant public. Henep has been at it again. Two months ago we published the | intelligence that the Princess Freperica of Hanover would pass the | winter months at Biarritz, a well-known watering-place almost on | the border-land between Spain and France. This news was received | with gratifying tokens of interest at every Court of Europe, and has been noted in innumerable communications passing privately between high personages. Then Henep comes upon the scene, and pom- egy | makes an identical announcement as a piece of news! Far it from us to take advantage of infirmity imposed upon a man by the idiocy of his godfathers and godmothers at his baptism. But 7 are compelled to ask, What ean be expected from a man named ENED ? = _ Sir Henry Worrr still lingers in town, Bucharest, in the mean- time, having to get along as best it may without a British Minister. In private circles likely to be well-informed, the delay is understood to arise directly out of the fact that Lord Rawpotrpn CHvURcHILL is now ** beyond the reach of regular postal arrangements.” _ “IT wrote to tell GranpoLtpn about Artuvr Batrour stepping into his old shoes as Leader of the House of Commons,” says WoLFry, showing his white teeth; ‘‘ and, begad, I shall not leave Pall Mall till I hear what he says on the subject.” What is this scandal we hear about the Turmvevmmres? The family are naturaily reticent on the subject, but Waoserms has furnished us with some particulars which we believe may be relied on. On Wednesday afternoon, at five minutes to three (as nearly as we can fix the time), Mrs. Turivcummy was walking down Bond Street, when, just as she reached the point where, as the Directory says, ‘* Here is Bruton Street,”’ who should pass her but Wuatsn1s- NaME. Tutyeummy, who, by a strange chance, happened to be pessing in a Hansom cab, was a witness to the rencontre, and fol- lowing up the clue, came upon particulars which WHaTDYRcALLit informs us is likely to make a stir. Mr. Groror Lewis, being a — of all parties concerned, will not accept a retainer from either side. The Daily News, in its report of the ming of the Food and Cookery Exhibition at the Agricultural Hall, remarks :— “It will not be the least attractive feature of the exhibition that samples — 4 be tasted at nearly all the stalls. The exhibition includes samples of gas and asbestos stoves and kitchen ranges.” We have brought this announcement under the notice of a friend who knows what’s what when he’s out to luncheon, and are dis- appointed at his lack of enthusiasm. He says he doesn’t care about taking his gas that way, and as for asbestos stoves he knows nothing more indigestible, unless it be a kitchen range. BALDER THE FAIR. (A Head- Piece. ) (Eminent Physiologists assert that the most intellectual types of the future will be completely bald.) Do’st imagine all Poets by locks hyacinthine Distinguished from Lawyers, Physicians, and Aldermen, By ca illery cataracts, thick as are thin thine ?— Bald, sooth to say, few undeniably balder men Can be found, for the comfort of heads without hair, Than that exquisite troubadour, Batper the Fair. Yes, the times are gone by when a SWINBURNE or Byron Were loved for their love- locks and famed for their frizziness, When Olympian craniums, worthy of Mrron Or ANGELO, bowed to the hair-dresser’s business, When Macassar’s luxu- riant essences fed j At once metrical foot and @ symmetrical head. Dutcryea, who dotes on that pure, polished surface (Like ivory turned to the billiard-room’s - , BaLper’s occiput glassing bewitchingly Aer face, The face of his Dear, by herself in her hero eyed— Detcrxea would deem it profanity, were It in nature to beg for a tress of his hair! So take warning, ye Minstrels whose locks are a feature, Be bald, e’en as bald as your verse peradventure is ; To be bald is the crown of the civilised creature, And barbers are relics of barbarous centuries : Still, howe’er you may strive, you will never compare, For perfection of baldness, with BaLper the Fair. A Waxwine.—After the recent gale, the papers reported ‘* W HoLe SALE Destruction or Hoarprnes.” Very hard that hoardings couldn’t be saved. Still, after all, the fact must be taken as a providential warning to Misers. From THe Nore-Boox or a Rertective Govumet.—*‘ The only thing your friend has a right to saddle you with is. . . fine five-year old mutton.”

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246 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novesmer 21, 1891, THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. H Tue ract 1s, I wever cet any Wiip Fowtn Saoorrnc—never!” She OH, THEN YOU OUGHT TO COME DOWN TO ouR NEIGHBOURHOOD IN THE WINTER. IT WOULD JUST SUIT YOU, THERE ARE sUCH A LOT or GrEesk apouT—a—a—lI MEAN Wi_p Geese, oF couRnsE!” - en :, an No, you’re a legacy! Would not deceive you, ‘* Pet,” THE “EGYPTIAN PET.” You are a stick, and have cost a good bit. i We desire that Egypt should be strong enough of herself to repel all Still we have charge of, and don’t mean to leave you, “ Pet, ternal attack, and to put down all internal disturbance.” Till you are fit. ord Salisbury at the Guildhe : ; , ‘ ‘ ee ee Biceps? Ah, verily, feeling your muscle, ‘‘ Pet,” fessor of the Noble Art of Self- Defence (the “ Pet's” Trainer), logui'u Isn't a job that brings Sanpow to mind. . + - ® y . or - 4 - “ ”% CHANGE in my attitude? Nay, not a bit of it Whe re would you be in a real hard tussle, ** Pet” ? Like Joan's true Darpy | ’m “ always the same.” : You ’re not a Pug of the wear-and-tear kind. Parties may flout, but I can't see the wit of it; Foes many menace you. Champions, boy, you know, Surely they ought to be fly to my game. Challenge all comers ; they have to—you bet. Such ** disquisitions” are strangely unfortunate, When you can do so, I Il leave you wit joy, you know. Pain us extremely, delighting our foes ; But—'tisn’t yet ! Worry one too, — busy, im portunate Thanks to our care, you ’re improving, my “‘ Pet,” a bit. yy ees Bese. Promising Novice, of that there ’s no doubt. Don't know the play of our pugilist system, ‘ Pet,” But up to Champion form? No, not yet a bit. Parties abroad who give heed to such chat. ' Just try that on, and you 'll soon get knocked out. Rival lot out of it; nobody ’s missed em, “* Pet.” Can’t say exactly how long we must bide with you, Nobody ever knew what they ’d be at Help you develope grit, muscle, and pipe ; ? Now, in position of much “ greater freedom,” “ Pet,” But we must own you to-day though we side with you)— Fancy they 'll badger me into a hole. Not ( herry “5 » ' One thing is certain. nobody will heed ’em, ** Pet,”’ [Left putting the et” through his paces. Poor little soul ! They were nice trainers and backers for you, my lad. Pretty nigh muffed any small chanve you 'd got. Square up those shoulders a little bit, do, my lad! rhat form won't put in a slommocking shot. heir fumbling style and contemptible flabbiness Clings to you yet. Ah! thanks be, you ’ve changed hands. They 'd crab our swim, but the Old Seuttler’s shabbiness Buu understands. Very Near.—‘‘The man who never makes a mistake, never makes anything,” said Mr. Pureps, the American Minister, in the course of a farewell after-dinner speech. Happening to be re-read- ing Mr. Svnrees’ inimitable Soapy Sponge, we find that Mr. Bragg, when applying for the situation of Huntsman to Mr. Puffington, remarked, *‘ He, Sir, who never makes an effort, 5ir, never risks a failure,” which is just the premiss to Mr. PHELPSs celebrated conclusion. We didn’t bring you out, put you in training, “‘ Pet,” Or crack you up as the Coming Young Copt. A Nvpriat Pewepicrion.—* Pless you, my children!” as 5 Straighten up, boy! Such corkscrewing and craning, “Pet,” Corwwattis West will say in his best Principality-English to the Never a rib-roasting wunner in-popt. happy Bride and Bridegroom on December 8 next.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemoer 21, 1891.

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Novemszr 21, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “BY JINGO!” (A Military Sketch according to precedent.) | Scpwe—Sanctum of the Coming General. To him enter Intelligent : Foreigner. Intelligent Foreigner ( politely). I trust you will forgive me for in- truding upon you, but the fact is I am very anxious to obtain a few | usef al hints for the Government I have the honour to represent. Coming General (effusively). Oh, certainly. Only too glad to la down any work I may have in hand, to te you everything. Of course you have been | over Woolwich Arsenal and the Dockyards, and no doubt you have—— Int. For, (interrupting). Yes, thanks, I have seen everything, and had everything explained to me. do not believe that there is a single official secret that has not been revealed to me in the kindest manner possible. Com. Gen. (heartily). Come, that is as it should be ! e like to tell the whole world what we can do. : In. For. {drsiy). Exactly, and teach your A Callto Arms! = neighbours how to do it ? Com. Gen. (gazing at his neglected work). But if you know everything, why do you come to me ? In. For, Well, I thought if I got it first hand from the Commander of the Future, it would strengthen the opinion I have already formed of the unpreparedness of the British Empire. For! take it that the British Empire ts unpre P Com, Gen. (amused), Why, certainly! | knew that! If war were declared now, the game, we ought to be absolutely ruined. In. For, Dear me! I am sorry to hear it! I thought everybody ing to all the rules of But surely your Fleet is fairly st P Com. Gen. Claughing). What a joke! Oh, I daresay, ship for ship and gua for gun, we are more powerful than any other nation. But if hostilities broke out, our Fleet would be valueless. We should want every vessel to guard our island shores, and our commerce and colonies would have to shift for themselves. In. For. (with concern). Dear me! This is very sad! you have an Army? Com. Gen, (with another burst of laughter). What! Call our wretched force an Army! Why, to quote a writer, whose letters have been published in our leading journal, ‘*‘ Nobody could tell the Secretary of State for War how a force of forty thousand men, if it had to be supplemented for defensive purposes by Volunteers, could be supplied with ammunition for six weeks” Call our force an Army! Why, my dear Sir, the notion is absolutely ridiculous! For. But does not such a state of things make you But then In, uneasy Com. Gen. Uneasy! Of course it does! Why, at a moment's notice, this grand old country might disappear for ever! Why we all feel that we are on the point of dissolution! We know that only a ninth-rate Power has to send a fleet to invade us, and we should have to submit—that we should be absolutely effaced, and be known in future as merely a phical expression ! In. For. But surely this is lamenta ai em | Com. Gen. I should rather think it was!—awfully Sound of telephone ag Thy, will you wishes to speak to me from Head Quarters. In, For, Certainly. Pray see what it is. _Com. Gen, (listening, and speaking through telephone). What! Not really? Hurray! In. For. Why, what is the news? Com. Gen, (excitedly). Splendid! The Great Powers of Euro | have simultaneously declared war against us! This will be grand ! In. For. (in a tone of deep commiseration). My poor fellow, this means ruin ! Com. Gen, Ruin! Rot! (Tivengh telephone.) All right, will start to-night, and should be in Paris by Thursday, and at St. Peters- burg at latest by the end of week. e can take Vienna and Berlin on our way home! I will be with the men at Portsmouth within an our. Never mind our baggage; send it on afterwards. In. For. (astounded). But aA are you going to do ? Com. Gen. (with determination). Going todo! Why give them another thrashing! By-by, no time for talking! See you again soon ! [Exit hurriedly to beat the foe, and, strange to say, the object is subsequently attained—somehow ! 9 emoralising ! rdon me? Some one won't be a second. An Ayti-Onronist Liperat.—Mr. Leake lately made a radically pucy speech, and is in future to be known in the North as Cocky akey, OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN, Telegraphic Address.—‘' Crasus," Everywhere, Or course I knew perfectly well what would happen after I had put forth the mme of my financial operations. I said at the time to my friend Gus Brummacem, ‘‘ Mark my words,” | said, **T shall have all the Crowned Heads of the wall grovelling at my feet and imploring, actually imploring me to allow them to hand over their money and their ancestral regalia to me for investment. a ’re bound to doit. I know the beggars well, and a more grasp- ing lot you couldn’t find within a day’s march of Holloway Gaol.” Dear old Gus (Beau Gus he is always called on account of his sin, rly attractive appearance) went so far as to pooh-pooh what I said. I don’t bear him any ill-will. Gus was fame a bit of a courtier, and got his head turned for , when the Japanese Prince Cut Ixan invited him to stay a week at his country house, and to act as godfather to the infant prince, Ka Cuooxan, the necessary ceremony having been postponed for six months in order to allow Gus to get there in time. at, as I say, was the ruin of Gus, and since that time he has had an offensive way of giving himself not merely airs, but what I may call regular blasts in the company of men better than himself. He ought to recollect that he owes his start in life to the lucky chance that threw him in PLY: If I hadn’t appointed him Chairman of the Turp, Pin and Bolt Company, and Managin Director of the New Gatetringe Syndieate, Limited, he might sti be engaged in sweeping out the tenth-rate office which was formerly the scene of his labours. But I never expect gratitude. I am con- tent to do good to my fellow-creatures without the least hope of merely tem reward, On this particular occasion I was right, as usual. he yy stamped with the coats-of-arms of all the principal d ies of the world have been inundating me. For instance, . R. H. the Hereditary Grand Duke of Leinwen has wired to me in the following terms, of which I have caused an accurate trans- lation to be executed by my staff of paid short-hand clerks :—‘* Have on my faithful and with-joy-inspired subjects a tax of ten reichaguiden each aiter great on the part of my ministers reluctance imposed. Invest proceeds for me in the best to your wisdom known company, and with- out delay. Perfect confi- dence.” Now I can assure His Royal Highness, who will look in vain for any _. other answer than this, that no power on earth, and least of all the cajoleries or men- aces of the t and highly- placed shall induce me to depart by one jot or tittle from the course have marked out for myself. And I take this occasion to assure all other potentates that I ° do not propose by any effort —— Tit}! of mine to bring wealth to ~——=)rq4h, the foreigner. The welfare ——>— of the British people is my - only care. for no others, my investments are open; to them alone I ‘ devote my unrivalled experience. And after this I trust I th ull be troubled with no further importunities from abroa? I have to announce this week that I have formed The Croesus Club Company. I have, at immense expense, secured a splendid site in the very heart of the fashionable quarter of London. Building operations will begin immediately, and within the next three weeks e members will Te housed in a Club-house unrivalled for comfort and luxury. Ten French chefs will preside over the kitchen, and house dinners at a minimum price of £5 a-head will be served in the Ruby Hall to the strains of the Brass Potsdammer Buben Hussar Band, ially retained for the exclusive service of the Club. The first list of members will consist of 2000, and, in order to insure exclusiveness, the subscription will be fixed at £500 without any entrance fee. A list of the Provisional Committee, containing a Duke as Chairman and four Peers as ordinary members, will be I have the authority of the Committee to receive — wo ald —— a For them, but -—— issued at once. subscriptions. . I may point with pride to the fact that all the investments recom- mt | y me have and the list of British millionnaires has been heavily in . Canadian Boodlers fairly firm, but with a tendency to cross the border-line. No returns. I say, ‘‘ Sell.” M. T. Colter Co. not very promising. (294 stk.; lim. pref., 19; mortg. deb., 44.) Clear out, c™ e. Tight Rates Ry. Co. must be bought. But enough of this. All that is necessary is that correspondents should send remittances. The rest may be _ to me. /RCRSUS.

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| 3000 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Novem 21, 1891. | I |x,

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Novewamn 21, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. QUITE A LIBEL’Y PROSPECT! | (Or what may be expected after a recent Verdict.) Scene—An Editor’s Room. Editor and Chief Sub. discovered in conversation. | Editor. And I think you have asked the Solicitors who have! + ' threatened us with ings to be in attendance ? y/ Chief Sub. Yes, Sir. They are below—shall I send them up? Ed. If you please. One by one; and kindly impress upon them the value of my time. Chief Sub. Certain ly. But I think you will find they will get over their business pretty speedily. After they have gone, no doubt | you would like to look at the Contents Bill, Sir ? Ed. Yes, please; and now send up the Lawyers. {Exit Chief Sub., when the Editor returns to his writing, until interrupted by First Solicitor. First Solor. Sorry to intrude upon you when you seem to be busy, but it was your own idea that I should look you up. Ed. Entirely. And now, Sir, perhaps you will kindly explain of what your client has to complain. First Solor. Certainly. You said of the senior member of the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia, that, “‘ although a very marvel of strength and grace, he could scarcely, after years’ service in the ring, be described as a trapéze-practising acrobat.” Ed. Well, surely that is a most complimentary allusion to his personality! What does he want more than to be “a marvel of grace and ~~ ests First Solor. You say he can scarcely be described as a “‘ trapéze- practising acrobat.” Ed. Well, can he? Does he ever practise on the trapéze ? First Solor. Well, no. But he might if jhe liked! You see his chief business is to stand at the base of the id, at the apex of | which is his smallest and lightest Bounding Brother. But he might | use the trapéze, I repeat, if he liked. Ed. If what I hear is correct—it would have to be a strong one ? First Solor. Certainly—an extra strong one. We don’t deny that | our client weighs over twenty stone. But there, as we can accept | no explanation, will you kindly tell me the name of your Solicitor? | Editor. Certainly. [Gives the requisite information, and returns to his work, until | interrupted by Second Solicitor, who has taken the place of | the First. Second Solor. 1 am afraid this interview is absolutely’ useless. Our client can accept no apology. You announced that you believed that Jomw Swooxs had ceased to be in the employment of the | Universal Cab and Fly Company. | Editor, Who is John Swooxs ? ‘ EXCELSIOR! Second Solor. He is a driver in the service of the organisation I have just named—and we act for the organisation. We complain that you have seriously injured us by telling the public that you ast “"_ ~y & a ey of one of our thousand drivers. Mditor. But if we di ieve it ? ry ? : Second Solor. That is your business and not ours; and so, Sir, we| ,, = IMPERIAL. STAGE mARACES. shall be glad of the names of your Solicitors. _“ Guitaumeé Devx,” says the Figaro, ** prend trés au sérieux sa (The information is afforded, and the Editor returns to his | ‘4che de moralisateur.” He is his own Licenser of plays, and, it may work, until interrupted by Third Solicitor. be presumed, collars the fees for doing the official Licenser’s work ; Third Solor. Sorry to disturb you, but you have been libelling | that is, if there be a department of this nature in the Lord Chamber- one of our clients. He objects to your putting his Christian name in | !ain’s Office. And His Imperial Highhandedness not only is his own the paper—says that even with another surname it will injure him | !icenser, but is a self-appointed Stage-Manager, for, continues the with his neighbours. He doesn’t want his Christian name to be | /igaro, “Ii a préscrit que, dans une picce moderne, Le Nouveau figuring in the public prints. | Marre, une scene un peu violente ne fiit pas jouée d Pavant-scene, Ed. And what is his Christian name ? mais au fond du thédtre.” If His Imperial Majesty should permit Third Solor. Zozrmus. 'some of Insen’s plays to be performed, Ghosts for example, or Ed. Why, that is mine! I thought I was the only man in the | Hedda Gabler, no doubt most 07 the dialogue would be ee right world with that name, with the solitary exception of my godfather ! | at the back of the ca. os of ear-shot of the audience. In ordinary Third Solor. Very likely you are—your ather is our client, | dramas the Villain who may have to use language, or in farce Ed. Then mustn’t I print my own name? . the Eccentric Comedian who frequently has Third Solor. Certainly not without running the risk of an action | ——_- to utter more or less playfully a meaningless for libel. The address of your Solicitors, please ? big big D. would by Imperial command [The Editor gives the desired information, and then sends up| (Apt. ware ©» compelled to “ retire re to deliver him- } ay yr of Editing” to the Composing Room as a line fe, mo 7 a pall exppotive, & hey - vee Bere Vy ’ ¥ 4 0 or the Contents Bill as the Scene closes in. - = | the stage-business. But, not satisfied with vr. . merely giving the above stage-directions, An Elevating Exhibition. Bey His Imperial Majesty “est allé sameds ’ ewe Ae Ae s’assurer en personne que ses ordres étaient At the Alhambra, the Little Gzorcra Maenet ought to attract | F , 7 bien exécutés.” No dodging such an thousands. Three heavy swells seated on a chair she can lift, chair | ; %." Emperor as this. How would Herr Von and all, so that the little lady’s exhibition of must have a| @ elise) Saves and Herr Toorg like this personal wonderfully elevating effect on all who come within the reach of her ; supervision? And how about Herren influence. At all events, there can be no doubt that her magnetic Only in Play! Joxes, Prxeno, W. 8. Grupert and a few ‘orce will give the Alhambra itself a tremendous lift. others, who would not particularly enjoy having their irections upset by even an Imperial amateur. e next move of GUILLAUME _“l_cax’t_write seasonable verses,” ied Our Festive Poet, | Decx will be to make himself honorary prompter, and it may be to until I’ve had my Christmas dinner, and then I’m mincepie-r'd !” | cast himself for the leading parts. She. ‘‘I pips’T KNow you were A Mvsiciay, Herr Mbvier.” He. ‘‘A Musician? Acn, No—Gort vorrit! Lam a Wacyertan!”

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[Novempgr 21, 1891, —_. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. “ Dickensit nihil a me quoth the Baron, | taking up A Week's Tramp in Dickens-Land. By W. K | Hvoones, F.L.S., with [lustrations by F. G. Krrrow, and Others, vablished by Messrs. Cuapman anwp Hatt. Ahem! The frisky — having several tales to play with (probably some relation to | the Cat-'o-nine-tails, eh 7), has done his work ; and the same | may be said for Others. e work can be as a book | of pictorial reference for Dickensian students, but otherwise it is— ahem—superfluous. If this kind of trading on the name of Dickens | continues, we shall probably become Huomes’d to seeing sue | announcements as, “* Shortly to appear,— The Collected Bills of the | Butcher and Baker of Charles Dickens; Upper Storeys of Houses in whose Neighbourhood Charles Dickens resided ; Some Trades- | men's Accounts, Receipted and Returned with Thanks, Auto- graphically, to Charles Dickens, &c., &e. A sad story, picturesc uely commenced, and powerfully ended, is Repyarp Kreurse’s The Light that *Failed. But, between these two extremes, the conversations have the deadly fault of being wearisome, and, as to the manner of their conver- ye sation, were the Baron compelled to ‘ listen to much of it, life would indeed * not be worth living. women-kind in it are all detestable; there is none of them that doeth in the novel, no, not one. It eomnes ually gloomier and gloomier, and, indeed, it is ” alienum_ puto, 059 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL h | ing sumthink,” whi ago to have ch his name to Borvitte Fenn, as he is so as. sociated with Books for Boys, and his Brownsmith’s Boy is more boyant than ever. “A capital book” says the Baron's chief adviser. Find out The Rover's Secret, by Harry CoLtrvewoop; it is worth knowing, and make friends with ANNIz ARMsTRONG’s Three Bright Girls. Angling Sketches, by Axprew Laye— Andrew I’ Angler—are delegtttel reading. The Baron pictures to himself the thoughtful and Balfour-like ANDREW on a bank by the river, rod stuck into nd, pencil and note-book in his hand. ‘* What is he doing, my _ ?” inquires the Baron, of the ery boy. “* He’s ketch- the urchin. Is it Historical Notes on the s it necessary to show that the fish have no consciousness of Pain? Or, is he composing Lines tomy Rod? Or is it a disquisition on **i titude,”” showing how the stream goes on murmuring ? And does he classically remind it how silent it ought to be,—Dumb defluit annis? Or does the stream murmur because our Awprew the Fisherman has been “ whi ” it? Should he betake himself to fly-fishing. let his motto “Strike and spare not!” and if he would be wise above his fellows in the gentle art of catching fish, let him consult The Incomplete > xt says, disinterestedly, Tue Baron pe Boox-Worms, Diet of Wurms? MEMS FROM MONKEY-LAND. (Being a Report made to the ‘‘ Royal Simian Society” by Professor Hairy Myas, F.R.S.S., with compliments to Professor Garnier, who continues his articles on “‘ a Simian Language” in ‘* The New Review” for well styled The Light that Failed. Since | Davpet’s Jack, the Baron calls to mind | no book more pitiful, no characters more of course; artistic, equally so; but—well, the Baron’s advice to his enemies is, Go in heavily for Christmas festivities, have an orgy of p - pudding, creams, sweets, and mince-pies, and, on the day after Boxing Day, stay in- doors, and read The Light that Failed. | In the Baron's office there are several departments, where Sam the Skipper for novels, Cuitp Harotp for children’s books, and PETER the Salt for tales of the sea, are specially busy at Christmas | time. To quote the ancient song of the ‘ Mistletoe Bough” :— “The Baron's retainers were Blythe and Gay ;” ind so are they now, as the Ladies Betoypa Biytue and Griseipa Gay undertake a considerable proportion of such seasonable review- ing as is more or less capadel from the Baron pe Boox-Worms ibout this season of the year. But the Baron reviews the reviewers, and presents the public with only the pick of the basket. Now, once | for all, the Baron gives notice hereby and herewith nevertheless and all to the contrary notwithstanding, that neither he nor his retainers will take notice of Christmas puzzles, such as, for example, the bilious-looking “‘ Spots Puzzle,” which ought to be dedicated to little Red Riding Hood, as it is brought out by “‘ Wor.” The Baron cannot listen to ** the ery of Worr.” Let that be understood. Now, in the way of Books, what is there forChristmasfare? There is The Light that Pailed; or, a Thief in the Candle Blackie and Son introducing themselves to the Baron de Book- Worms. friend Bracks, who doesn’t keep himself dark, but comes out with Henty in Plenty, whose Dash for Khartoum will be appreciated even by those who don't ordinarily care a dash foranything. Ask for Heyry, and see that you get him. Mr. Mawvitiz Fenw ought long heartless, and no sadder ending. Clever, | this month.) I nave for some time past paid considerable attention to the sounds uttered by the Human Beings who are permitted to observe our movements, in the wire house which the Proprietor of these gardens |has so obligingly at our disposal, rent free. pag olgest has | been to discover whether the Human Species, though belonging toa rather low form of animal life, can be said to have anything corre- ing to the language which is the ecognised means of com- municating between Apes. oh oy 3 I have been much assisted in my investigations by the kind help |afforded me by the great Anubis Baboon, who has frequently | abandoned the consumption | |of nuts to come and make | experiments on our human a o elder = ners \of the Chimpanzee Fami | have also been most —~4 land have often restrained the young of their house- | hold from interrupting my |inquiries by ill - timed pleasantries. Only once in the whole course of these scientific labours have I had seriously to complain of my tail being made use of as a swing. It was not long before I came to the conclusion that men do y mean some- thing by the extraordinary -= : , gibberings and chatterin ~ a, in which they indulge. i - f : | first experiment was on a female of the species, with a blue feather 'in her bonnet. At a sign from me, a young CKmpanase suddenly |and adroitly snatched the bonnet from her head. The sound she |uttered was, as nearly as I can put it, wh-oo-w! ending in a shrill |seream. I therefore take the oo sound to indicate alarm, or dissatis- faction. Exactly the same vowels were used by the Male. | The mischievous young of the Human Species, we have discovered, | also have this 00 sound, and use it when they wish to frighten us. The three conclusions which I have drawn from my inquiries are — | | 1. That Human Beings understand the sounds they utter to each other, and therefore possess a language, as we do. ( 2. ‘That Human Beings have, in a very imperfect and rudimentary shape, the faculty of reason. 3. That Apes have descended from Men! In other words, that a Monkey is only a highly-developed and more agile Man. | These, no doubt, are ing conclusions, and I expect them to | excite controversy. In fact, an Osreng -Ontens Seem of mine, to whom I mentioned them, was so shocked, that he has declined all | nourishment ever since. But I rely on the scientific spirit of | great society to do me justice; and [ venture to add a request that jit will see fit to endow research by = extra supply of apples ‘and nuts to the Chimpanzees, the Anubis Baboon, and myself, | while we are at work on this very fatiguing field of inquiry. —— ent cp NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. exception. there will be no description, wii To this rule S. | HAR. 8. OVE OVE OVE

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| | rt | unless it is well matured. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemszr 21, 1891. Ss. & H. HARRIS’S HARNESS COMPOSITION) , Warearacer). S. & H. HARRIS’S ey G SADDLE PASTE "POLIeMIpe’T } PASTE Ss. & H. HARRIS. Manufactory: LONDON, =. FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED COCOA SOLUBLE ‘| consider it a very rich, delicious Cocos."—W. H.R. STANLEY, M.D. ~ GURIOUS OLD | sean hata a toes HIGHLAND WHISKIES Uririntabie Material” ine Eisteue - 7 WW 16 &2 years is wood. self. measurement on wt me pe dos. 48/- 60/- 72/- 120/- x! eminent Medical Authority, ng the moderate use of st on no account should Whisky . in —_ aot gn and Sca Send for [Illustra Catalogue. HOOPING COUGH, ROUP. nocme tee Co tcanon jetailed List on application to WOREL BROS. COBBETT & SON | TRIPLE SPLICED INSTEP HOSE. “ EXCELLENT—of Great Value.”—Lancet, June 15, 1889. CONCENTRATED Gold Medals, 1884, 1886. PEPTONIZED = Syitoiae ie. COCOA ano MILK WEAK DICESTIONS. DELICIOUS. Tins, ls. 6d. and 2s. 6d., obtainable everywhere. DICESTIBLE. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. HOME INDUSTRIES. BRITISH SILKS. LIGHT DYE. Fair Wear Guaranteed. Paerreass Pars st Poor DEBENHAM and FREEBODY, | Wigmore Street and Welbeck Street, London, W. (Patent No. 20,778.) For Ladies and Childe, in Cashmeret, Spun Silk, Miustrations and Price List Post Pree. DEBENHAM and FREEBODY, | Wigmore Street aad Welbeck Street, Lenton, W.| Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. cure crs internal a BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH RED AND BROWN LABELS. Le EXSHAW & C0.'S nw tert a Oe Bir Regent Street, W. 210 & au, PIOOADILLY; 18 & 19, "PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. Whisky Bonded Stores, /nverness, N.B. ‘LIQUEUR OF THE Ga. CHARTREUSE. This delicious Liqueur, which has come so much into public favour on account of its wenderful properties of | wing | igestion and preventing Dyspepsia, can ’ ad of all the ering Wine and Spirit | evhants throughout the Kingdom, and at a con- | i sierbiy less price than form Sole Consignee, Ov E, %, Crutehed Triars, Leadon, B.C Price te, Kew eae hee “* Co., ern wi Flay a= bottio. >| WEAR THE VENTILATED CELLULAR CLOTH AND CLOTHING. HEALTHY AND DURABLE. UNDERWEAR, DRESS GHIKTS, NIGHT CLOTHING Iilustrated Price List, with names of 160 Country Agents, sent post free on a ey A complete assortment of Stock at ROLERT SCOTT, 4 & M4, Powcrar, Gusernen, B.C. OLIVER BROS, 617, Oxroan Be., Ler pox, EDWARD PARRISH by con tract transferred the manufacture of his be Pz to = tan & Bors +4 Public are cautioned that a number of inferior imitations (differing in composition, are sold as Parrish's. To obtain =e original preparation = 4 aS iy] ae RF. ears by Savias Bons, SQUIRE'S CHEMICAL 22s. FOOD FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. Or Acenes, on er Pancet Porr Face piaect Faeou SQUIRE & SONS, Her Majesty's Chemists, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. WRIGHT Ss: COAL + me TAR: = SOAP ONIC. FOR DIGESTIVE STRENGTH. FOR YOUNG AND OLD. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY TENERIFE (GREE) CIGARS. REPUBLICANOS FREDEKALES ‘ ‘ol and Delicious Summer W a iid, Aromatic, and Delicate. le xt . P wr EW LAY & C0 (LAd.), @, Strand, WC Strand ast ‘India House}, and’143, Cheapside, B.C os 1780. 2 Million Bottles filled in 1873. » 1890. 18 Million o A pollinarss “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,” Gcid'uaty'ts 1-cunse Pesbote, ond 2, 6.9 ounce, and 1-Ib. Tins, which keep the Tobacco in fine eméiting condition. t'all Tobaeco Sellers’, Stores, &e., @ po other. SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED AGAINST IMITATIONS. The Genuine bears the Trade-Mark, “‘ Nottingham Castle,” cn every Packet and Tis. PLAYER'S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, is Packets containing 12, and Boxes of 24. The following extract from the “ Revirw or Reviews,” Nov., 1800, is of interest to every Smoker: THE PIPE IN THE WORKHOUSE.—The picture yy by our Helper of the poor old man = to pe puffing awa: pt om enaty pipe, hee touched the hearts of some of our corres| = el the High Alps, and self “ Old Screw,” suys: of Wave bees struck with the October number of the Review or Reviews for a scheme to supply amokers ia afraid, ) the ordi. Iam the most selfish of mortals, as I of so-called charity , but this scheme hy appeals at once te the once start a collecting box itely ¥ | who dates face } tion in “ Cosmopolitan.” British Mepicat Jourwar. PEPP OVERCOMES WEAKNESS. | i om never give a cent away for rk hea, a a hardened and inveterate smoker. Were I in London, I wo ay venees the Continent for the next nine .. however, | | and w of nme te I can. tle, like to contribute a what I consider the BEST BMORING, TOBACCO, vis. PLAYER 8 NAVY CUT’ (this is hot an advertisement). I | 1 enclose, therefore, a cheq amount QUININE and IRON WHEN THE NERVES ARE UNSTRUNG. , RESTORES VITALITY AND ENERGY. WHEN THE SPIRITS ARE LOW. RESTORES LOST APPETITE. WHEN THE LIMBS TREMBLE. RESTORES ELASTICITY OF STEP. FOR DELICATE CONSTITUTIONS, WHEN OTHER REMEDIES FAIL. RESTORES HEALTH AND COMFORT. FOR EVERYONE BELOW PAR. Imsist on having PEPPER’S QUININ E. sonths. OVERCOMES DEPRESSION. OVERCOMES IRRITABILITY. OVERCOMES FATIGUE.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemesr 21, 1891. PEARS’ ANNUAL CHRISTMAS 1891. IN EXQUISITELY DESIGNED COYER IN COLOURs FOLIO. PRICE 1° COMPLETE. §* INCLUDED WITH THIS ANNUAL ARE THREE LARGE COLOURED PRESENTATION PLATE | In the ITighest Quality of Lithographic Art. Printed entirely in England. | oS SATURDAY. N issuing the above, the Publishers feel confident in asserting that, for the price, no Annual of such high literary and artistic has ever been produce d, the greatest credit being due for the selection of the Coloured Presentation Pictures, and for the excell | of their reproduction, as well as for the quality of the paper and special illustrations and letterpress. The Coloured Plates are Three in Number of the following subjecis and dimensions :— | ‘6é 99 A Decorative Panel. No. 1. “ORIENTAL COLOURS.” *veciauy painted in | Pte : W. 8. Colman. 33-in. by 17-in. (Printed in Seventeen Colours.) No. 2. “A GOOD JOKE.” ®™ 1 msitine'ty torrint. 24j-in. by 20j-in. (Printed in Fifteen Colours.) No. 8. “THE GARDEN OF EDEN.” **y5"" Morgan. PVvUeLIsH ewe esvenvyv 30-in. by 20-in. (Printed in Sixteen Colours.) The Letterpress consists of Cuartes Dickens’ world-famed story, “THE CRICKET ON THE HEARTH,” A veritable Edition de Luxe of unprecedented artistic merit and finish, and an Original Tale, by H. Henan, entitled “A NIGHT AT SPA.” There are Illustrations on each pege, those of ‘Tue Cricket on THE Hearru,” from original drawings specially made by L. the “‘Nienr at Spa,” being also specially illustrated by Lucien Davis; the whole contained in the artistic cover as above mentioned. All who wish to possess this unique Annual are urged to order early, as the edition is limited and cannot be reprinted this season he 2000) > oes PRICE ONE SHILLING. To be obtained of all Booksellers and Newsagen Published for Messrs. A. § F. Pears by Messrs. SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & CO., LIMITED, LONDO Printed Uy, W iam eruars tmith. of Ne. 8, Loraine Rood. Mollew ag. in the Parish of @t. Mary. Ielington, in the County of Middlesex: ot the Printing Ofiegs of Mes. Bradbury, sence. # 0x, mist TM a