Punch 1891-10-31: Vol 101 Iss 2625

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: ANDLEY a The issue of the “ Jorrocxs” Edition will commence with ' sPpORTING |§PONGE’S SPORTING TOUR N OVE LS On November 3oth, in One Volume, Large Crown 8vo, with about 70 Illustrations. Price 6/- (BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., Bouverie Street, Leadon, LC 4 LL aa 3 j i i & SE WE —~ X ~ ~The ONIN, OW >) € ‘ s wa 3 AJ Je

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Ocroper 31, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. YOUNG GRANDOLPH’S BARTY. | OYSTERLESS. (fvikender (By an Impecunious Gourmet. ) Yorum @ te (Oysters are very dear, and are likely, as the season great Breit-| advances, to be still higher in price.] mann Ballad. On, Oyster mine! Oh, Oyster mine! venned, ‘‘ more | You're still as exquisitely nice ; in sorrow than | With perfect pearly tints you shine . in anger,” by a | But you are such an awful price ° “Deutscher” | The lemon and the fresh cayenne, resident in the | Brown bread and butter and the stout distant regions| Are here, and just the same, but then where the Cor- | What if I have to leave you out ? spondent , 2 ih Dati, | What wonder that my spirits droop, Graphic” is wore on bring me ne delight, y 1en | must give up oyster soup, like der Herr So softly delicately — The curry powder stands anear, The scallop shells, but what care I— You ’re so abominably dear, O Oyster! that I cannot buy. With sad imaginative flights, ounce Granpoirn hat a Barty I think upon the days of yore ; Vhere ish dat Barty now ? Like TickiER, on Ambrosian nights, He fell’d in luf mit der African goldt ; I have consumed thee by the score. Mit Sotty he’d hat a row; And still, whenever you appeared, He dinks dat his secession My pride it was to use you well ; Would make der resht look plue, I let the juice play round your beard, But, before he drafel vast and var, And always on the hollow shell. His Barty sphlit in two. Breitmann himself, “‘ dra- | fellin’ apout like ejery- dings."’) Young Granpotrn hat a Barty Dere vash B-Lr-rx, W-.rr, and G-nrst, Dey haf vorgot deir ‘* Leater,” Und dat ish not deir vorst. B-.F-R vill ‘* boss” der Commons, Vhile GranpoLpu—sore disgraced Ish ‘‘ oop a tree,” like der Bumble Bee, Und W-.rr and G-nrst are ‘‘ placed.” Young Granpotru hat a Barty— Vhen he dat Barty led, B-.r-k vash but a ‘‘ Bummer,” A loafing lollop-head. Young Tories schvore by GraNDOLPH, (Dey schvear at GRANDOLPH now,) Now at de feet of der *‘ lank westhete’ Der Times itshelf doth bow! Young GranpDo.?uH hat a Barty, Dere all vash ‘* Souse und Brouse.’’* Now he hets not dat prave gompany All in der Commons House, To see him skywgle GL-pst-NF, Und schlog him on der kop. Young Tory bloods no longer shout Till der ScmPEskER bids dem shtop. , : . I placed you in the fair lark-pie Young GRanDOLPH hat a Barty ; | Unit like dat Rhine Mermaiden Vith steak and kidneys too, of course ; He hunts der lions now, ** Vot hadn’t got nodings on,” Your ancestors were glad to die, All in der lone Mashonaland, Dey “* don’t dink mooch of beoplesh So well I made the y ber sauce, But he does not ‘‘ score ’’—somehow. Vat goes mit demselfs alone ! ”’ I had you stewed and featly fried, One Grand Old Lion he dared to peard, | r A nd dipped in batter—think of that } Und he * potted ” Earls and Dukes, Young Granpoirn hat a Barty And, as a pleasant change, I’ve tried But eight or nine real lions at onee, : ee oot Dae now ? You, skewered in rows, with bacon-fat. e think » ** ty . ” | Where ish dat oder ARTHUR’s son e thinks are ‘‘ trop de luxe. | Vot darkened der Cham le prow? | “* Whereart thou, ALicr ? ” eried the bard. Young Granpotrn hat a Barty, | Where ish de himmelstrahlende stern, “Where art thou, My ee ’” Texclaim. _But he scooted ’cross der sea, De shtar of der Tory fight ? It really is extre mely ard, Und he tidn’t say to dem, ‘‘ Come, my poys,| All gon’d afay, as on Woodcock’s wing, _ To know thee nothing but a name, Und drafel along mit me!” Afay in de ewigkeit! For this is surely torment worse 3 Than Dante heaped upon his dead ; To find thee quite Creal my purse, oe And so go oysterless to bed. ’ | | | | * Saus und Braus—Ger., Riot and Bustle. “ Correct Carp, Gents! ”—‘‘ Wanted a Map of London ” was the heading of aletterin| | the Times last Thursday. No, Sir! that’s not what is wanted. There are hundredsof’em,| 4 Proros or THE Secretary ror War's specially seductive pocket ones, with just the very streets that one wants to discover as short | noskaTe ArTeR- Dinner Srrecn (on the cuts to great centres carefully omitted. What is wanted isa correct map of London, divided | entrrely satisfactory state of the Army into pocketable sections, portable, foldable, durable, on canvas,—but if imperfect, as so many | generally),—(Stan-) “ nore told a flattering of these small pocket catch-shilling ones are just now, although i brought up to/| tale.’ date’91, they are worse than useless, and to purchase one is a waste of time, temper and money. ¢ could mention an attractive-looking little map—which, but no—— Publishers and public} Univexstry Mem.—The Dean of Christ are hereby cautioned! N.B.—Test well your pocket map through a magnifying glass before | Church will keep his seat till Christmas, and buying. Experto crede ! just a Lippee longer. VOL. CI.

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206 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [Ocroner 31, 189], | _ = _ et or — ee THE RAVEN. er Speech at the Holborn Restaurant (Oct, 17 Letter in “ Times” (¢ Latest W fice V Mr. Sta s After-I ha / loss at the War Office. ) 0) Sh FF, La OVE TPR ! {| WA paw tees. rae] it ) hilt me - 7 op fi I\\: MA YM YYyyy Yf | \\ acs, YUE Uy, \ Wi? Se tarial Pangloss sings :— LATE, upon a midnight dreary, w hile I pondered, tired but cheery, | From the Blue Books croakers borrow—sorrow for the days of yore, “ver many an optimistic record of War Office lore ; For the days when ‘*‘ Rude Britannia” sounded far o'er sea ane Whilst I worked, assorting, mapping, suddenly there came a tapping, shore. Ah! it must have been a bore ! As of someone rudely rapping, rapping at my (Office-door. Some late messenger,”’ | muttered, ** tapping at my Oftice-door Only this, but it's a bore.” But on that let’s draw the curtain. I am simply cock-sure—certain That ** our splendid little Army ” never was so fine before. It will take a lot of beating! Such remarks I keep repeating; I remember—being sober—it was in the « hill October, They come handy—after eating, and are always sure to score Light from the electric globe or horseshoe lighted wall and floor : Dash that rapping chap entreating entrance at my Office-door ! Also that it was the morrow of the Holborn Banquet ; sorrow It is an infernal bore !

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—_—_— Ocroser 31, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Presently I grew more placid (Optimists should not be | scid.) {drumming there no more.” Come in!” I exclaimed—** confound you! Pray stand | Rut the donkey still kept tapping. ** Dolt!” I mut- tered, sharply snapping, [Office-door ? Why the deuce do you come rapping, rapping at my Yet not ‘enter’ when you’re told to’’’—here 1 opened wide the door— Darkness there, and nothing more. Open next I flung the shutter, when, with a prodigious | | moor. flutter, there stepped a bumptious Raven, black as any blacka- Not the least obeisance made he, not a moment stopped r stayed he, {¢ Mice-door, t with scornful look, though shady, perched above my Perched upon BrrtaNN1A4’s bust that stood above my Office loor— Perched, and sat, and seemed to snore. Well,” I said, sardonic smiling, ‘‘ this is really rather ruil | Tt ling ; [t comports not with decorum such as the War Office bor: id days stiff and clean-shaven. Dub me a Glad- stonian craven : f lever saw a Raven at the W. 0. before. [of yore,” ell me what your blessed name is. ‘ Rule Britannia’ held Quoth the bird, ‘* Tis so no more! ” I marvelled this sophistic fowl to utter pessimistic: tian, which so little meaning—little relevancy bore rule of me and Sotty; but, although it may und folly, [General ” wore, ; strange fowl a strange resemblance to ‘* Our Onls the W-Ls-L-y whose pretensions to sound military lor: Are becoming quite a bore. t the Raven, sitting lonely on that much-peeled bust, pake only [precious poor. f our Army as a makeshift, small, ill-manned, and Drat the pessimistic bird!—he grumbled of ** the hurdy- gurdy {fought before, Marching-past side of a soldier’s life in peace.” ‘* We’ve Winning battles with boy-troops,” I cried, ** We’ll do as we before oa | Quoth the Raven, ‘‘ Nevermore!’ “Nonsense!” said I. ‘* After dinner at the Holborn, as | a winner [snore ! ) Spake I in the Pangloss spirit to the taxpayers, (Don’t lold them our recruits—who’ll master e’en unmerciful disaster, [yore,”"— Come in fast and come in faster, quite as good as those of Flattering tales of (Stan) Hope!” dirges bore, One ‘Hang it, Raven, this zs riling! ” cried I. ** Stop your rude reviling! Then | wheeled my office-chair in front of bird and bust and door ; {nd upon its cushion sinking, ** I,”’ I said, ** will smash like winking rhis impeachment you are bringing, O you ominous bird of yore, j cried the bird, whose dismal | And the Raven still is sitting, croaking statements most unfitting, ark burden—** Nevermore!” THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. Aunt Jane. “‘Tuat Makes Turee Weppines In ovr FAMILY TWELVEMONTH! IT WILL BE YOUR TURN NEXT, MATILDA ! Matilda. *“‘Ou, no!” Aunt Jane, ‘‘ WELL, THE MOST you Know!” WITHIN A EXTRAORDINARY THINGS HAPPEN SOMETIMES, | On Brrrannta’s much-peeled bust that 's placed above my Office-door, | And if Pangloss, e’en in seeming, lent an ear to his dark dreaming, | Useless were official scheming, grants of millions by the score, For my soul were like the shadow that he casts upon the floor, ‘ Dark and dismal evermore ! 0 you grim, ungainly, ghastly, grumbling, gruesome feathered | —— . bore ! Croaked the Raven, Ther immenser, And he twaddled of Von Motrxe, and his GermanArmy Corps ; Flattering the tax-payers’ vanity,”’ and much similar insanity, In a style that lacked urbanity, till the thing became a bore. i ** our little Army yet will score.” “Oh, get out of it!” I cried ; Quoth the Raven, *‘ Nevermore! Prophet!” said I, “‘ of all evil, that we’re ‘ goin Has been the old croaker’s gospel for a century, and more. Kted-gilled Colonels this have chaunted in BritaNN1a’sears undaunted, By their ghosts you must be haunted. Take a Blue-pill, I implore ! When our Army meets the foe it’s bound to lick him as of Quoth the Raven, ‘*‘ Nevermore ! " Peaghet !” said I, “that’s uncivil. devil ! That Establishments are ‘short,’ and ‘standards’ lowered o’er and That mere ‘ weeds,’ with chests of maiden, cannot march with knap- That the heat of sultry Aden, or the cold of Labrador, [sack laden ; Such can’t stand, may be the truth; but keep it dark, bird, I implore !” Quoth the Raven, ‘* Nevermore! “Then excuse me, we'll be parting, doleful fowl,” _, ,, Upstarting ; Get thee back to—the What ’ BRITANNIA yy ea r Take thy hook from the door!’ to the You may go to- ted River, or the Nile’s sand- Leave no ‘ Magazine’ as token of the twaddle you have spoken. Quit her bust above my door. far Office ; take thy beak from off my Quoth the Raven, ‘‘ Nevermore!” a You I "ll floor.”’ methought the bird looked denser, and his chee TUPPER’S PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY UP TO DATE, | [The range of our inquiry was intended to include the whole migratory |range for seals ... Our movements were kept most se ret.” Baden-Powell on the Work of the Behring Sea Commission. | k became | Sir George WE came, we saw, we—held our tongues (myself—Bapren-PowrLt— and Mr. Dawson.) We popped on each seal-island ‘* unk knownst,” and what we discovered we held our jaws on. : We'd five hundred interviews within three months, which I think ** cuts the record’ in interviewing, Corresponded with ’Frisco, Japan, and Russia ; so I hope you "Il allow we ve been ‘‘ up and doing.” (Not up and saying, be’t well understood), As Honourable C. H., Minister Of Fisheries) said, in the style of his namesake, ‘* The fool imagines all Silence is sinister, ‘* But the wise man knows that it’s often dexterous.” inquisitive shyness or bounce ’1l . Make us “too previous” with our Report, which goes first to the Queen and the Privy Council. Some bigwig’s motto is, “‘ Say and Seal,” but as Tvrrer remarked a foretinger laying : To the dexter side of a fine proboscis, ‘Our motto at present is, Seal without saying! ” devil’ yore fan ’ Turrer (the -well, the [o’er. Be sure no y I cried, [shore ! cum bered Leoat Query.—The oldest of the thirteen Judges on the Scotch Bench is Younes. Any chance for a Junior after this?

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while I nip in the coupé and keep our places. 208 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —— (Ocroner 31, 189}, THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. No. XII. Scenr—In front of the Hitel Bodenhaus at Spliigen. The Dili- nee for Be cona 1 having its team attached. An elderly Englishwoman ts sitting on her tr unk, trying to run through the last hundred pages of a novel from the Hotel Library before her departure. Poppury isin the Hotel, negotiating for sand- wiches. CULCHARD w practising his Italian upon a very dingy yentleman in amoked spectacles, with a shawl round his throat. The Dingy Italian (suddenly discovering CUCLCHARD’S nationality). Ecco, siete Inglese! Lat us spika Ingelis. I onnerstan’ ’im to z bottom -side Laborwously, to CULCHARD, who tries to conceal his grin ‘Ow menni time you employ to go since Coire at here ? C. nods with vague encouragement. ‘ich manners of vezzer you re possess troo your trave s—mosh ommerella? (C.’s eyes grow wcant Ha, I tink it vood! Zis day ze vicket root sall ’ave plenti e to pull, &e., &e. Here Povsury comes up, and puts some rugs the coupé of the diligence.) You sit at ze Tusienine-and. hey ? tter, you tink, zan ze mizzle? I too, zen, sall ride at ze front—we v pika Ingelis, altro! Podb. (overhearing this, with horror). One minute, CcicHarRD. He draws him aside.) 1 say, for goodness’ sake, don't let ’s have ut old organ-grinding Johnny in the upé with us! Culch. Organ-grinder! you are so very nsular! For anything you can tell, he may be a de cayed nobleman. Pod. (coarsely). Well, let him decay mewhere else, that’s all! Just tell the Conductor to shove him in the intérieur, do, LCHARD, on reflection, adopts this sug- gestion, and the Italian Gentleman, after flutter ing Seebly about the coupe door, a une eremoniously bundled by the Con- ductor into the hinder part of the adi ige nce, In the Bernardino Pass, dur ing the Ascent. ulch. Glorious view one gets at each fresh turn of the road, Poppery! Look at Hinter-rhein, far down below there, like a village, and that vast desolate valley, with the grey river rushing through it, and the green glacier at the end, and these iwful snow-covered peaks all round—/ook, / man | “ft Podb. I’m looking, old chap. It’s all Wy 4\ there, right enough ! ee . Mi Culch. (vexed). It doesn’t seem to be ~ = Z making any particular impression on you, | = must say ! Podb It’s making me deuced peckish, I know that—how about lunch, eh! ( scenery likejthis, and all you think of is—lunch! (Popsury opens t basket.) You may give me one ot those sandwiches. What made you get real? and the bread’s all crust, too! Thanks, I’ll take some claret... (They lunch ; the vehicle meanwhile toils up to the head of the Pass.) Dear me, we're at the top already! These rocks shut out the valley altogether—much colder at this height, eh’ Don’t you find this keen air most exhilarating ? __ 4’ odb. (shivering). Oh very, do you mind putting your window up? Thanks. , You seem uncommon chirpy to-day. Beginning to get over it, eh ° Culch. We shan’t get over it for some hours yet. Podb. | didn’t mean the Pass, | meant—(hesitating)—well, your little affair with Miss Prenpercast, you know. ’ Culch. My little affair? Get over? (He suddenly understands. Oh, ah, to be sure. Yes, thank you, my dear fellow, it is not making me particularly unhappy. He goes into a fit of silent laughter. P sdb. Glad to hear it To himself.) ’Jove, if he only knew what I know . aan | He chuckles. Culch. You don't appear to be exactly heartbroken * Podb. 1* why should | be—about what ? Culch, (with an affectation of reserve). Exactly, I was forgetting. To himself.) It’s really rather humorous. | He laughs again. Ha, we're beginning to go down now. Hey for Italy—la bella | Italia! The diligence takes the first cirve.) Good Heavens, what a turn! We're going at rather a sharp pace for downhill, eh? | suppose these Swiss drivers know what they ’re about, though. Podb. Oh, yes, generally—when they ’re not drunk. I can only see | this fellow’s boots—but they look to me a trifle squiffy. Culeh. (inspecting them, anxiously). He does seem to drive very recklessly. Look at those leaders—heading right for the precipice . . . Ah, just saved it! How we do lurch in swinging round! Podb. ph avy—I expect, too much luggage on board—haye another sandwich ! - Culch. Not for me, thanks. I say, I wonder if it’s safe, having no parapet, only these stune posts, eh ? ‘ Pod. Safe enough—unless the wheel catches one—it Was as near as a toucher just then—aren’t you going to smoke? No? Jam, By the way, what were yoa so amused about just now, eh ? “Culch. Was 1 amused? (The vehicle gives another tremendous lurch.) Really, this is too horrible ! ; Podb. (with secret enjoyment). We’re right enough, if the horses don't happen to cuntle. That off-leader isn’t over sure-footed— did you see that? (Culch. shudders.) But what’s the joke about Miss PRENDERGAST ? Culch. (irritably). Oh, for Heaven’s sake, don’t bother about that now! I've something else to think about, My goodness, we were nearly over that time! What are you ee at ? Podb. (who has been leaning forward). Only one of the traces— they ’ve done it up with a penny ball of string, but I daresay it will stand the strain. You aren’t half enjoying the view, old fellow. Culch. Yes, lam. Magnificent !—glorious!—isn’t it ? Podb. Find you see it better with your eyes shut? But I say, | wish you ’d explain what you were sniggering at. Culch. Take my advice, and don’t press me, my dear fellow; you may regret it if you do ! Podb. Vl risk it. It must be a devilish funny joke to tickle you like that. Come, out with it! Culch. Well, if you must know, I was laughing . . . Oh, he’ll nerer get those horses round in... J was—er — rather amused by your evident oommnaion that | must have been rejected by Miss Prey- DERGAST. Podb. Oh, was that it? And you're nothing of the kind, eh? (He chuckles again. Culch. (with dignity). No doubt you will find it very singular; but, as a matter of fact, she—well, she most certainly did not discourage my pretensions. ; Podb. The deuce she didn’t! Did she tell you Ruskry’s ideas about courtship being a robation, and ask you if you were ready to under vow for her, by any chance ? Culch. This is too bad, Poppury; you must have been there, or you couldn’t pos- sibly know! Podb. Much obliged, I’m sure. I don’t listen behind doors, as a general thing. | —- suppose, now, she set you a trial of some kind, to prove your mettle, eh ? [ With another chuckle. Culch. (furiously). Take care—or I may ch. (pained). We are going through “4” ¢lerly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk.” —¢¢}) you more than you bargain for! Podb. Go on—never mind me. Bless you, J’m under vow for her, too, my dear boy. Fact! : . Culch. That g.impossible, and I can prove it. The service she demanded was, hat I should leave Constance at once—with you. Do you understand—with you, Poppury! Podb. (with a prolonged whistle). My aunt! ; Culch. (severely). You may invoke every female relative you possess in the world, but it won’t alter the fact, and that alone ought to convince 7a. a Podb. Hold on a bit. Wait till you’ve heard my penance. She told me to cart you off, Now, then! ial 4 Culch. (faintly). lf I thought she’d been trifling with us both like that, I’d never-—— Podb. She’s no end of a clever girl, you know. And, after all, she may only have wanted time to make up her mind. Culch. (vtolently). I tell you what she is—she’s a cold-blooded pedantic prig, and a systematic flirt! I loathe and detest a prig, but a flirt I despise—yes, despise, Popsury ! 4 Podb. (with only apparent irrelevance). The same to you, am many of ’em, old chap! Hullo, we’re going to stop at this inn. Let's get out and stretch our legs and have some coffee. ye (They do; on returning, they find the Italian Gentleman smiling blandly at them from inside the coupé. The It. G. Goodaby, dear frens, a riverderla! I success at your chairs. I vish you a pleasure’s delay ! ; ae Podb. But I say, look here, Sir, we’re going on, and you've & our place ! The It. G. Sank you verri moch." I ’ope so. ; ( He blows Popsury a hiss.

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. Ocroszr 31, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Podb. (with intense disgust). How on earth are we going to get that beggar out? Set the Conductor at him, Curcnarp, do—you can talk ey ote best ! Culch. (who has had enough of Popsury for the present). Talk to him yourself, my dear fellow, I’m not going to make a row. He gets in. Podb. (to Conductor). Hi! sprechen sie Franzésisch, oder was? i- y-a quelque chose dans mon siege, dites-lui de—what the deuce is the French in ** clear out ” ? Cond. Montez, Monsieur, nous bartons, montez vite alors ! (He thrusts PopBunryY, protesting vainly, into the intérieur, with two peasants, a priest and the elderly Englishwoman. The diligence starts again. AT THE ITALIAN OPERA. Tuesday, October 20th.— Opening night. Roméo et Juliette ; buts of Mile. Summoner, of the Opéra Comique, and M. Cossrpa, as the lovers. Lady Capulet's Small Dance, quite the smartest of the season, as the Veronese nobility present were evidently remarking, with abundance of easy gesture, to one another, as they led the way to the lemonade. e Juliette of the evening charming, and soon Two (Covent Garden) Gentlemen of Verona!! singing herself into the good aces of a large audience; ditto, M. Cossrra, ‘*than which,” as the Prophet Nicnotas would say, ‘a more competent Roméo—though perhaps a trifle full in the waist for baleony-sealing by moonlight.” If he had really trusted himself to that gossamer ladder in the Fourth Act, he would never have got away to Mantua, especially as Juliette, with the thoughtlessness of her age and sex, omitted to secure it in any way. Fortunately it was not a long drop, and the descent was accomplished without accident, as will be'seen from the’accompanying sketch. > Exit Romeo by the Rope Ladder,—a shrewd guess at what really happens. _CHANGE For A Tewor.—Mr. Srrmovr Haven, the opponent of Cremation gogpel according to THomPpson = Henry of that should come to an arrangement with the ‘enor, and tack Corrry on to his name. uk nglish Light Opera | ONLY FANCY! (From Mr. Punch's Own Rumourists. ) Ir may be interesting at this time of the year to mention the fact | that Lord Sarispury a me uses a poker in cracking walnuts. He | says it saves the silver. e other day, whilst wielding the poker | across the walnuts and the wine, Mr. GLapstonr chancel to look in. | The Premier, with his well-known hospitality, immediately furnished the Right Hon. Gentleman with another poker (brought in from the drawing-room), and ordered up a fresh supply of nuts. | Mr. Grapsroyg, recurring in private conversation to a recent visit paid by him to Lord Satis- | BURY in Arlington Street, ques- | tioned the convenience of a poker }as an instrument for shattering the shell of the walnut. For him- self, he says, he has always found a pair of tongs more convenient, | | The Marquis of Harrinctor, |to whom this remark was re- | ported, observed that as a dis- |sentient Liberal he naturally | differed from Mr. GLapsronr, | and was not to the fullest extent jable to agree with his noble |friend, the Marquis of Sanis- purY. For his own part, he found the most convenient way of qocking a walnut was deftly to place the article in the in- terstice of the dining-room door, and gently close it. He found this plan combined with its original purpose a gentle exercise on the part of the guests highly conducive to digestion. | Two hours later, the Leader of | the Oppediien was seen walking | up Arlington Street, and on reach- ing Piccadilly, he hailed an omni- bus, observing the precaution be- |fore entering of requiring the conductor to produce the scale of |charges. ‘‘ No pirate busses for me,” the Right Hon. Member remarked, as (omitting the oath) h took his seat. emma | Ir is no secret in official circles that before the vacancy in the office of Postmaster-General was filled, it was placed at the disposal of the Baron pe Boox-Worms. Upon Sir James Frrousson stepping in, the Prime Minister was urgently desirous to have the ee al of the noble Baron at the Foreign Office. But, some- how, the post of Under-Secretary vacated by Sir James was assigned to Mr.pWituram James LowrHer. We are authorised to state that His — Majesty the Emperor of Germany, feeling the need of a little change, has resolved to stay at home for a fortnight. We are in a position to state that just prior to the General Election of 1880, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was observed standing before a cheval lass, alternatively fixing his eyeglass in the right eye and in the fet. Asked why he should thus quaintly occupy his leisure moments, | he replied: ‘‘ It is in view of the General Election. If on the plat- form any person in the crowd poses you with an awkward question, | should you be able rapidly toe transfer your eyeglass from your right eye to your left, any = the obtruder with a stony stare, he is so much engaged in wondering whether you can keep the glass in sition, that he forgets what he asked you, and you can pass on to ess dangerous topics.” When Mr. Scnomprero M‘Donwewt informed his chief that Lord Raypoten Cuurcuity had ** come upon eight lions,”’ Lord Saxis- BuRY sighed and remained for a moment in deep thought. Then he said, ‘‘ How different had the eight lions come upon him!” Mr. Grapstone has backed himself to walk a mile, talk a mile, write a mile, review a mile, disestablish a mile, chop a mile and hop la mile in one hour. Sporting cireles are much interested in the | veteran statesman’s undertaking, and little else is talked about at \the chief West End resorts. e general opinion of those who | ought to know seems to be in favour of the scythe-bearer, but not a few have invested a pound or two on the Mid-Lothian Marvel.

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SE a

ae 210 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroser 31, 189],

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LN VW TRUE LITERARY EXCLUSIVENESS.

j r, wy pear Reotnatp! You pon’tT MEAN TO SAY YOU DON’T ADMIRE Byron as A Port if raw vv. Isperp I wave A quire spectaL LoaTatne AND ConTEMPT FOR HIM IN THAT PARTICULAR CHARACTAH!” L Dean Me! Why, WHAT PARTICULAR PoEMS OF HIS DO YOU OBJECT TO 80 STRONGLY?” = ’ kAnH GranpMoTHAN, | NeVAH READ A Linge oF Byron in My Lire,—AaNnp I CERTAINLY NEVAH MEAN TO!” > ess When the hated Austrian yoke bowed your neck. Did you invoke ne PRYING IT ON. The pompous Prussian then your captivity to end ? . f a rapprochement between Russia and Htaly, even if Pst! Just a moment, dear. 4, ' ts character, would be to weaken the prestige and moral L’ve a word or two to say it were worth your while to hear. : Priple Alliance.” — The Times.) Ah! A hasty glance she throws o’er her shoulder. But for those ; Mr. Bruin loquitur Big, blonde, burly bullies twain, I could win her, I am sure ; z Pot’ Hane it. euite cu micus! New whet an I todo? For my manners all girls praise, and I have such winning ways, Pst! Darling, just a word! —_ | The Bear, although polite, is as pertinacious, quite, ; No! Deaf as any post! It is perfectly absurd ! As the tactless Teuton pig. 1 ’ll yet spoil their little game. ; Triple Alliance? Fudge! If that girl is a good judge, Pst! Heeds me not the least, just as though I were the Beast, She will make a third with Me and my latest Gallic ‘‘ flame.” And she the sovereign Beauty that she deems she is, no doubt. Pst! Come along with me, f he won those burly beauz, it — to be no go, My dark Italian belle’ We shall make a lovely Three! But Bruin ’s an old Masher, and he knows what he ’s about. [ Left making signs. Pst! Darling, look this way! [ee as In your pretty little ear | ve a word or two to say!

AccI-DENTAL Queny.—Let me ask the Patres Conscripti of our I y Gallic girl L’ve won. It is really awful fun, Academy Royal, why Dentists are not admitted A.R.A. ez officw. | For Aer prejudice was strong as was that of Lady ANNE We have all for ever so long, since the memory of the oldest Jor To the ugly erookback, Dick. But my wooing there was quick. Mitter, which runneth not to the contrary, known that Dentists | » Oh! of course. That is always Bruin’s plan. drew teeth. But they nowadays add to their accomplishments by A flirtation means no harm. paintinggums. The other day a friend of ours had a gum beauti- \\ you wish not to corrupt or betray, but simply charm. fully painted by a Dentist-artist in a certain Welbeck Street studio. : It was a wonderful gathering ; our friend in the chair. Fancy Italian girl won by the swagger twirl = Of an Austrian moustache! It is monstrous, nothing less. What would Garrpatpt say? Well, he doesn’t live to-day, e The Old Joe and the New. Or he'd tear her from the arm of her ancient foe, I guess. To the humorous mind of a cynical cast, And that stalwart Teuton too! Party change many matters for mirth affords ; De you really think, my girl, he can really care for you ? But of all the big jokes, we ’ve the biggest at last, In CHAMBERLAIN’S backing the House ¥ Lords ! They toil not, nor -_ That ’s a very Sid jeer! Won't the Lilies take back seats when Jor is a Peer? Ah! you always were a flirt, Miss Iratta. You have hurt France's feelings very much. Why, she stood your faithful friend

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroser 31, 1891. TRYING IT 1 WANT re

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OcTOBER 31, 1891.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 213 “LISTEN TO MY (Not much Gaiely about it.) TO MY LORD ADDINGTON. [Lord ADDINGTON, speaking recently at a Harvest Festival, said, “If he were a labourer, and saw a rabbit nibbling his cabbages, he would go for that rabbit with the first thing at hand.” (Enthusiastic heers.)—Daily News.]} Lorp ADDINGTON, most wonderful Of people-pleasing peers, You certainly contrived to raise ** Enthusiastic cheers.” The villagers come flocking in From all the country through, To hear Your Lordship speak his mind And tell them what to do. You did it well, you told them how You ’d have them understand A lucky chance has made you own A quantity of land. Though very fond of shooting, yet Y our love of shooting sto At letting rabbits have their way At decimating crops. TALE OF WOA!” And so, if you a labourer were, (The which of course you ’re not), And saw a rabbit in your ground A-nibbling—on the spot You'd go for him with spade or fork, At which, so it appears, ‘** Enthusiastic cheers.” A Peer’s advice is always good, So doubtless they will grab it,— But no one will be happier than The cabbage-nibbling rabbit ! i | A LITTLE STRANGER. [“ At the meeting of the Bermondsey Vestry, the | Medical Officer reported that water drawn from the service-pipe of a house in the Jamaica Road, had been submitted to him. The water was clear, but | it contained a live horse-leech.”— Daily Paper.) Ou, into our domestic pipes They crawl and creep by stealth, e gruesome creatures known unto An Officer of Health! Harken to him of Bermondsey, Think what his murmurings teach, ‘*The water seemed quite limpid, but— It did contain a Leech!”’ The service-pipe was sound and good In the Jamaica Road; The cistern there had harboured ne’er Microbe, or newt, or toad ; No clearer water softly laved A coral island beach ; . So thought the householder, until— He found that awful Leech ! Perchance he was a temperance foe To alcoholic drink, And from all dalliance with$Bung Did serupulously shrink. Yet now to forms of fluid sin He ’ll cotton, all and each ; He does not like such liquors, but— Prefers them to a Leech! There rang throughout the crowded room | | Our pipes will not be If such things hap, I trow ; And as for Water Trusts, 'tis hard To trust in water now. Oh, Co. of Southwark and Vauxhall, We ratepayers beseech, Double your filtering charges, but— Remove the loathly Leech ! ¢ dames OUR BOOKING-OFFPICE. THERE is a judicial review of Gronar Merepirn’s work in the Quarterly for Oc- tober—masterly, too, quoth the Baron, as striking a balance between effect and defect, and —s so much to be duly said in high praise of the diffuse and picturesquely-cir- cumnavigating Novelist through whose laby- yy the simple Baron finds it hard to thread his way, and yet keep the clue. When the unskippingly conscientious peruser of Grorcz M.’s novels is most desirous that the author shall go ahead, Gronar, like an Irish cardriver, will stop to “‘ discoorse us,” and at such length, and so diffusely, and with such a wealth of eccentric mon fy coining and grammar - dodging, that at last the Baron gasps, choked by the rolling bil- lows of cemeaeuty booming or boomingly sonorous words, battles with the waves, ducks, and comes up again breathlessly, wondering where he may be, and what it was all about. ‘*‘ Story! God bless you, I haven't much to tell, Sir!” says the luxuriantly fanciful novel-grinder. And he hasn’t much, it must be owned, for essenced it would go i J | binations, givin into half a volume, or less, and all over and above is pot-fuls of rich colour, spilt about almost at haphazard, porasatations and com- ivi hy effect of genius. Which —genius it is; but a little of it goes a great way, in fact, a very great way, wandering oan straying until at length the Baron calls for his Richard Feverel, and says, ** This is the best that Gzonok Mexepiru has written, as sure as my name is ‘THe Baron pe Boox-Worms,” Bard v. Bard. TuERe was a poor Poet named CLoven, Poet Swrorpunne declares he wrote stuff. Ah, well, he is dead! Tis the living are fed, By log-rollers, on butter and puff. A Svoecrstion.—In a new poetical play at the Opéra Comique there is a good deal of hide-and-seek. It might have hada second title, and been appropriately called The Queen's Room; or, Secret Passages in the Life of Mary Stuart.

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STREET IMPROVEMENTS. (“If we really used the Thames Embankment sensibly and liberally, it would abound with handsome shops and cheerful cafés and volksgartes, with newspaper kiosks and long lines of bookstalls.""—Daily Telegraph, Oct. 21.)

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Ocroser 31, 1891.] PUNCH, OR BLENDIMUS! “ Warer, water everywhere ” in the Times recently, except when Messrs. GrLBEY wrote their annual, and this time hopeful, account | ‘ the Claret vintage, and when subsequently Vessrs. ‘* P. and G.””—(who on earth are “* P. nd G.” ?)—with a few modest lines at the | foot of a page, last Wednesday, enlivened | ur drooping spirits with a brief but satisfac- tory account of Champagne Prospects. If the vintages of 86 and ’87 are good, and those of %) and 91 poor, why not make a blend? and why not sell it assuch? Let “P. and G.” confound it! who on earth can P. and G. be? ** P. and J.” would be “* Punch and Judy” and, by the way, in the choice Lingua Tuscana, ““P. and G.” would stand for “ Poncio é Giulia.” But, on the other hand, who, unauthorised, would dare to use this signature ? No matter —where;were we ?—ah! | —to resume.] Let “P. and G.,” whoe’er they be—which is rhyme, though not so in- ded —(but why this masquerade ininitials?) | let them exploit a ‘‘ Blend of ’90-cum-’86 | ’ sell it as such—viz., The | ,” or ‘The Punchius and | Giulia Blend ’—at a reasonable figure, and thus the Not-quite-up-to-the-mark vintages will be saved. Have we not seen in City partnerships how a strong house saves a fail- | ing one, and then the Blends go on success- fully? Let “ P. and G.” give us a first-rate Champagne, call it, say, The ‘*G. B.,” or “Golden Blend,” at a reasonable price, and, todrop once again into poetry, No matter what | heir name may be, We’ll ever bless our P. | and G.! * * “P. and G.” might stand for “‘ Pay-for-it and | jet-it,” or “ Pour-it and Guzzle-it.” A Corre-| spondent has suggested that solution of the initial | roblem might possibly be found in the names of Pommery and Gre’-——— No! So common-place a suggestion is evidently, and on the face of it, absurd. Not in this spirit did the Pickwick Club treat the celebrated inscription on the stone that | » puzzled the antiquarians. | | CAUGHT BY THE CLASSICS. The Record of a Ruined Life.) Aveustus SPARKLER was an exceptionally riliantman. At school he had done marvel- isly well, and if he did not'distinguish him- «lf at either of the Universities, it was less s fault than his misfortune. When he atered the world, after casting off parental ntrol, he took up Medicine. He was a great sucee He rose by leaps and bounds, until t length it was thought highly probable that he would be elected President of the Royal Vollege of Physicians. He was sounded upon the subject, and a question was put to him. “No,” he replied, sorrowfully, and then the irteous Secretary informed him, with tears t his voice, that he feared he was disqualified. | $8, “ Well, I will enter the Navy.” He did. He passed through the Britannia, ind rose by leaps and bounds, until it was con- s lered desirable to revive the post of Lord High Admiral for his acceptance. But before his was done, he was sounded upon the subject, and asked a question. e No,” he again answered, regretfully. I am afraid then, that the scheme must | be abandoned,” returned the First Civil Lord he had been chosen as more polite than his | a colleagues), and he was almost moved to | tears in his sd | | ess. ALF . _ os p. 2) 4 / f] ‘ ' Ce Y ‘ ey / Wf . Ve 4 . \ »’ Mii: “ we - VIG aa. SPORT! eager, but disappointed ‘ yus to "EDGE, Cockney Spor tsman "Cute Rustic JUST FLEW OVER BLANK’'S RICKS.” [Grateful Cockney Sportsman tips boy a shi likewise anxi THIS "ERE Hina ** It is not impossible I might resignin your favour,” said the 1. P. And then he asked him the necessary question. ‘No, Sir,” returned Avevustrus, bowing down his head in shame. Again he found that his career was interrupted. ‘**T will try the Bar,” he shouted. And he did. He entered at Gray's Inn, and in a very short time became a Q.C., a Judge, and a Lord Justice. Then the entire Ministry begged him, as a personal favour, to aceept the post of Lord Chancellor. “| will enter the Army,” cried Aveustvs, | __“* With pleasure,” was his modest rejoinder. with determination. _,Andhe did. He rose from the ranks in less ian no time to become a Field Marshal. It was then that a certain Illustrious Personage asked him if he would like to become Com- mander-in-Chief. | Then he remembered that he had been asked a certain question on previous occasions, and explained matters. é ‘I am afraid you won't do,” cried the entire Ministry, mournfully. ** Well, then, I will try the Church.” ‘“*T say, my Boy, make a baq). AND SEIrTLED IN SEEN ANY Binps THISs Way!” LOT, GUV NOR--A KARE LOT ERR FIELD, CLOSE TO SQUIRE “OH, A RARE rHAT and goes hope fully after . a hock of Starlings! And he tried the Church. He became fan eminent divine. Every one spoke well of him ; and when, in due course, the Primacy | of all England was vacant, he was asked to accept it. Again he explained matters. ‘*No!” shouted all the Deans Chapters. **You can’t mean it!’ body of Archdeacons. ** Well, I never!” ecclesiastical authority. But it could not be, and the disappointment was too much for poor Avoustus, and he died of grief. ’ and cried the entire exclaimed every other | And so they put on the tombstone, that he | would have been President of the Royal | College of Physicians, Lord High Admiral, | Commander-in-Chief, Lord Chancellor, and Archbishop of Canterbury, if—he had only | learned Greek!

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a [Ocrower 31, 189], | 216 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. No. V.—TO GUSH, My Dearest Dantixe Persox How sweet and amiable of you to allow a humble being like myself to write to y Dropping your own special style (which, to be perfectly frank with you, I could no more continue through the whole of this letter than I could dine off treacle and butter-scotch). ] g that I am heartily glad to have this opportunity of te n few things which have been on my mind for a long time In what corner of the great realm of abstractions do you make your home’ I] imagine you whiling away the hours on some couch of imitation down, with a little army of sweet but irrele- vant smiles ready at all times to do your bidding. You are refined, Iam sure. You cultivate sympathy as some men cultivate orchids, until it blooms and luxuriates in the strangest and gaudiest shapes. ir real face is known of no other abstraction; indeed, you never t yourself. so well-fitted and so constant is the mask through h you waft the endearments which have caused you to be avoided every where This, | admit, is imagination ; but is it very far from the truth? Perhaps I ask in vain, for truth is the very last thing that may be expected of you and of those who do your bidding upon earth. I will not, therefore, press the question, but proceed at once to business. About a month ago I met your friend, Aternnon Jrssamy. What is there about AL- Gerwow that inspires such distrust? He is very pre- sentable; some people have gone so far as to call him absolutely good-looking. He ~— is tall, his firure is rood, his ‘ clothes fit him admira ly, ar and are always speckless ; { his features are regular, his complexion fresh, and his fair hair, carefully parted in the middle, lies like a smooth und shining lid upon his head. I pass over all his remaining advan- tages, whether of dress or of nature. It nough to say that, thus equipped, und with the additional merits of wealth and a good position, ALGERNoN ought to have found no difficulty in being one ff the most popular men in town. Perhaps he w ald have been if he had not tried with such a persistent energy to make himself ** so deuced agreeable.” The phrase is not mine, but that of Sammy Mices, who has a contempt for ArceRNon and his methods, which he never attempts to conceal. Aver, my boy,” I have heard him say, while the unfortunate Jrssamy smiled uneasily, and shifted on his seat, Arey, my boy, I’ve known you ta to give in to any of your nonsense. All that butter of yours is wasted here . id better keep it for someone who pi it Iry it on Qrispr,” he con- tinued, indicating the celebrated actor, who was at that moment frowning furiously over a not of his latest performance; “he loves it in firkins, and | ll undertake to say you ll never get to the bottom of his swallowing capacity. You'll have to exhaust even your stock, Atey, my bey ; and that’s saying a lot.” So thoroughly uncomfortable did the suave and gentle ALGERNON look, that I afterwards ventured to remonstrate mildly with the gadfly Mises. What *”’ he said, “‘ made him uncomfortable, did 1? And a jolly ob too. Bless you, | knew the beecar through and throuch. 1 wasn't at Oxford with him for nothing. Wish I had been. He’s the sort of chap who loses no end of L.0.U.’s at cards one night, and when he wins piles of ready the next never offers to redeem them. You let me alone about Ater. I tell you I know him. There’s no bigger humbug in Christendom with all his soft sawder and gas about Ce beimg the dearest and cleverest fellow he’s ever met. rat And therewith Sammy left me, evidently smarting under som ancient sore inflicted by the apparently angelic ALGERNON. However, this little incident was not the one I intended to narrate. I met Atey, as I said, about a month ago. It was in Piccadilly. At first, as | approached, I thought he did not see me, but suddenly he seemed to become aware of my presence. An electric thrill of joy ikes - } rood C> NOTICE —Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any ran through him, a smile of heavenly welcome irradiated his fax he darted towards me with both hands stretched out and almost {Jj round my neck before all the astonished cabmen. ‘** My dear, dear fellow,” he gasped, apparently struggling harj| with an overpowering emotion, ** this is almost too much. To think that I should meet the one man of all others whom I have be literally longing to see. Now you simply must walk with me for; bit. I can’t afford to let you go without having a good talk with! you. It always refreshes me so to hear your opinions of men aj things.” Ignoring my assurance that I had an important appointment t| keep, he linked his arm closely in mine and dragged me with him jg | the direction from which I had come. How he pattered and chat.| tered and flattered. He daubed me over with flattery as I have sey bill-stickers brush a hoarding over with paste. Never in my life had I felt so small, so mean and such a perfect fool, for though I ow | have no objection to an cunnsidinel lollipop of praise, I must say] loathe it in lumps the size of a jelly-fish. Yet such is the fare o which Jessamy compels me to subsist. And the annoying part of it| was that every lump which he crammed down my throat contained | an inferential compliment to himself, which I was forced either ty! accept, or in declining it to appear a churl. I was never more chur. | lish, never less satisfied with myself. Amongst other things w/ spoke of the affairs of ‘‘ The Dustheap,” a little Club of which we} were both members. Jessamy opined it was going to the dog ** Just look,” he said, ‘‘ at the men they’ve got on the Committee. mere nobodies. I’ve always wondered why you are not on it. Me like you and me wouldn’t make the ridiculous mistakes the present lot are constantly making. Fancy their electing MumPtey, a regular outsider, without enough manners for a school-boy. I really don't care about being in the same room with him.” At this very moment, by one of those curious coincidences which invariably happen, the abused Mumpcey himself, a wealthy but otherwise indians stock. broker, hove in sight. ‘* There comes the brute himself,” said Jm SAMY ; and in another moment his arms were round McMPprey’s neck, and he was protesting, with all the fervour of a heartfelt conviction, that Mump.ey was the one man of all others for whom his heart had been yearning. That being so, I left them together, and departed to my business. Now does Jessamy imagine that that kind of thing makes hims favourite? It must be admitted that he is not very artistic in his methods; and I fancy he must sometimes perceive, if 1 may uses homely phrase, that he doesn’t go down. But the ~ beggar can't help himself. He is driven by a foree which he finds it impossible to resist into the cruel snares that are spread for the over-amiable. You, my dear Gusn, are that force, and to you, therefore, the sugary Jessamy owes his failure to win the appreciation which he courts » ardently. And now I think I have relieved my mind of a sufficient load for} the time being. If I can remember anything else that might interest you, you may count upon me to address youagain. Permit me inthe meantime to subscribe myself with all proper curtness, Yours. &e. DiocENes Roprysoy. “THE PRODIGY SON.” Sia,—I have not seen Pamela's Prodigy, but I have just read the criticism in the Times, which says of it, ‘* It must be regarded either as a boyish effusion or a sorry joke.”’ The criticism then points out how it lacks ** wit, humour, literary skill,” and apparently is wanting in everything that goes to make a successful play —everything that is, except the actors. Mrs. Jouw Woop wasin it: she is a host in her- self: not only a host, but the Manageress of the theatre who, with her partner in the business, is responsible for the selection of pieces. Now granting the critic to be right —and, on referring to others, I find a con- sensus of opinion backing him up—at whose door lies the responsibility of having delibe- rately selected a failure? Under what com- pulsion could so clever and experienced an autocrat, sharp as a needle and with the “*heye of an ’awk” in theatrical matters, as Mrs. Joun Woop, have made so fatal a mistake— that is, if the critics are right, and if it be a mistake? ‘Zo err, is human”— and, including even Mrs. Jou» Woop, and the crities, we are all human,—** 70 forgire, divine” —the critics not bein divine could not forgive ; the public apparently, did forgive—and, of course, forget. *Tisall very well to fall foul of the unhappy author —whom we will not name—a/fter the event ; but why was the piece ever chosen, and why was not the discovery of its unfitness m during rehearsal? No! “as long as the world goes round ” thee things will happen in the best regulated theatres, and experience * apparently no sort of guide in such matters.— Yours faithfully, | “Nor Tuere, Nor Taere, My Cait: 8 Much put out. description, wil im ne case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Men resent gular ’ don't | ment, n, the stor k- | Jes neck, iction, | rt had ted to| him in his} use & can’t ible to niable sugary irts ad for iterest PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroner 31, 1891. WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. oF ALL DEALERS. sod ask for GRANT'S, and don't beput of with inferior makes. THE G. B. IABETES. WHISKY Is not stored im Sherry Casks TRS, GOUT, & EIDNBY COMPLAINTS. ciginly scems to deserve its name." —Laxcsr 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID. EO. BACK & CO., onshire Square, London. cur @ TE REAL KINDNESS.’ ‘ { the CHOLCEST BRANDS of ‘ngs Marvaes is Surae Casas OLD Fxquisite Blend harme niows in combination— Possessing aracter so novel and so entirely r own that they may fairly 2 the very first place among class stimulaats. through any Wine »cer,or will be forwarded direct that the Corks bear the re ve number of Stars indicat uality :—"** Gold Capsules, * Biue Conic, tos * Green Capguies, #2. BOS is sold in oq cs (6 to the rillon |, labelled and “ory the quality being fied by a small label on denen, ale turned, and Is for empty Sample hettie, anywhere in the United King ? Jom, on receipt of 4s. 6d., 4s., and ‘ 3s. Gd respectively » SON & CO., LEITH, SCOTLAND. ldresses, LA IN DON and "DARLINGTON case mention “ Pusch” when sid on orders of One Dozen ad upwards AM-VAR WHISKY. £ FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. od TEE PALACE AND THE SHIELING. SEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH Highest Awards. Lecommonded by the Medieal Faculty. m8 GRIEVE, EDINBURGH and LONDON. EXSHAW & G0’S +23 OLD BRANDY. bs. per doz as imported ¥. Sure rr as Regent Street, W. riston & Co., LEN BRONZE HAIR. *“Chitain Ponefe” can be ate phed | um r f any colour b a ay W i area 1 & St, Louden. id, Ws . or Edad Mais #1 INE bs invaluabl able “Quod ab Omnibus Quod Ubique.” A pollinarts THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS.” "The best beverage.” TRUTH. Sir CHAS. CAMERON, Lt Dd. = —“ An Excellent Food, admirably adapted to the wants of infants. ATENT AIR-TIGHT TINS. NEAVE’ S FOOD pe nan PT SP, EARN, EDA BLIGE of the bet Farinace ous Fr For INFANTS, CHILDREN THE AGED. eE> 1825. co™m@M.tuents are far above the | INustrated Price List, with names « | Agents, sent post free om # using ZRINE MENRY PEASE & COS SucaRs., | LIEBIG COMPANY'S THE MILLS, DARLINGTON, Yor Patterns of their New Autums and Wist EXTRACT patse Faprics. Sext Poer Farr ow Arrnovar a¥v Anpnret 42 ANT LENG Tz CUT aT writ PRICES. "Ga All the latest and most fashionable Pesigus an entirely new weavings of their World renowned a Guid Me ~¥5 and oy Shades the Seek ta Ghancing variet Sny article not appowved exchanged within Be ren mn Days. All Goods are warranted to tb jenuine Sample. Carriage Paid on all Orde rt any hs iway Station in Great Hritain, az und t merick, Cork, and Waterford.” Poo PIANOS. londom Sale Boom > 244, REGENT STREET, gou _DMINSMYAD z yy 2 ws s, ae Over JEFFS & HARRIS, the Furricrs . f Ku moray where a full range of Patterns, as well as goods s. Wig . Bt t. Ww the piece, and fini shed Costumes, may ~ acon ve batt nannies \ Experienced Assistants are in attendan Bb SSCS ree | TENERIFE Coa ft AGARS. us Summer ove eed — ANG shape i e mati ° and Deti WEAR THE VENTILATED CELLULAR CLOTH eee genet vi AND CLOTHING. (Hast tae ouse , ans te, Caaapeide, BO. Bat rw HEALTHY AND DURABLE. | UNDERWEAR, DRESS SHIRTS, NIGHT CLOTHING e)in B ow Ink seross the Lal: ect> Jar @f th Extcact f Wales s ree of a nove of 160 Country lication. A complete | assortment teck at ROPERT S0COTT, 14 & 15, Powtrar, Curarerpr, F.C OLIVER BROS., 417, Oxroap 8Sr., Loxpox, W for House Protection, Travellers, and | for Military Purposes, takes Eley's 3 ol. £ all other eal If so, send for a free bottle, with testimonials and coLT’s LICHTWINC MACAZINE RIFLES. Medical Opinions, of and Small Game, Kook shooting, an HORLICK’S Varged Bractic, are uaarpsined or accarasy and MALTED MILK. cols REVOLVERS carried off oll the highest Primes at yay t , A PERFECT FOOD IN ITSELF. 39, SNOW HILL, LONDON, E.C. o Bie burgh, and Deblin in lee see List COLTS FIREARMS CO., 76, Glasshouse Bt. Piccadilly Circes, ‘London, W. in l-ounce Kets, and 2, 4, * ounce, one 1-Ib. Tins, which keep the Totes im Gae smoking — SSatition "hak st ah Tobacco Bellers’, Stores, e., and ike no SMOKERS ARE CAUTIONED AGAINST IMITATIONS, The Geauise tears the Trade-Mark, “‘ Nottingham Castle,” ca every Packet and Tis. PLAYER'S NAVY CUT CICARETTES, ix Packets containing 12. ‘The following extract from the “ Revirw or Kevirws,” Nov, 180, is of interest to every Smoker THE PIPR_IN THE bpm pian: aye iy oy by our Belper of i poor old man ing A 9 caste of some of the Hig’ ips, and time ft Sassi Old Berew, oaye OY keve toon cvadl in anon of on in the October number of eview oF Reviews for a scheme to supply smokers in un - I am afraid, ordinary standards, | am the most selfish of mortals, as I ea cent away for so-called Geaetty 5 See thie scheme of a bee like to eure * AYES xs NAVY this is not an advertisement for “rte I 408 y pound of what I consider the BEST SMOKING TORAOOO, viz. 1 enclose, therefore, a cheque for the amount Table Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH BED AND BROWN LANE. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD GOLD MEDAL, CALOUTTA EXHIBITION Iau Ma. the Gall; Sa the Dea. Crnmnoe Pas A tingle bottic, as a sample, wil! to amy address on receipt of I RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 24 and 25, Hart St., Bloomsbury, W.C. 1 Lean oan manre ths Tsois and the © . EERINGS icsa Corgxnasex (HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur. Exyuisite Model. Perfect Fit. Guaranteed Wear. Casa Ow cr be sent on free U. for te Bold by al vughout PATENT DIAGONAL SEAM CORSET. Will not split in the Reames nor tear in the Pabrix The most comfortable corect ever made Laor’s Pier Made in White, Mack, and all the fashionable (colour and Shades, or Italian (loth Satin, and Coutil, sleo in the new Sanitary Woollen Cloth, @/1i, oi, ei, i re t pair, and up ‘ards. Bold y all the Principal Drapers and Ladies Outfitters in the Tenses Gots Meviis. united kingdom & HAIR COO TELLING PERPROTLY HARMLESS Bold by Perfumers and Chemists throughout the World HOVENDEN & BOR, los pow DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY or rus STOMACH, HBEARTRURK, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION Seid throughout the World Borwicks ‘Baking * Powder: PERFECTLY PURE, ano FREE FROM ALUM. __ Agents R

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrtoser 31, 1891. A CLEAN SHIR will do more toward making a mar appear well than anything in his dress _A shirt bosom may make or mar ; +: man. A snow white shirt washed j "the modern way with SUNLIGHT SOA will make a man appear well, feel well, and show th ee world that his laundress is up with the times. Labo saved and worry over for those using SUNLIGHT SOAI MIND YOUR FLANNELS |! If there is one thing more than another which housewives dislike it is havi their flannels and woollens made thick and hard by washing. Poor soap greatly to blame for this. No soap in the world can take the place of e nlig in preventing this shrinking and hardening of flannels and woollens. It will keep them beautifully soft and nice. Wash in a lather of canedl 50 in moderately warm water; rinse out through clean warm water, and @ quickly. Don’t rub soap on the flannel; don’t have the water too he | i : Us pa” BEWARE of imitations! There is only one Genuine SUNLIGHT SOAP!! “Qe SUNLIGHT SOAP HAS WON FIVE COLD MEDALS AT PARIS, OTTAWA, EDINBURGH, GHENT, & CARDIF