Punch 1891-10-17: Vol 101 Iss 2623

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“conte | SOCIETY PICTURES fiom “Poxca”) oronae MAURIER. PARTS 1, 2, and 3 (a handy form of issue), are now published in silk- | °V WE ARTIST OF grained cloth, price 5/6 each. Also the First VOLUME, containing PARTS 1 and 2, in a “THE ARTIST OF 2 » | sumptuous binding, price 12/- “To turn over the pages is to look into a social ” goenn MANNERS.” | kaleidoscope." Goortien_—-“ The beau ideal of 6 Grawine-soem book. Day Chenin. MODERN MANNERS. Daily Telegraph. “A pleasanter compani-n it would be hard indeed to find.”—Da//e Nrvs. C WN eee OO Ne ~ murky .-. KEI! ) wh CT A UD)

every SATURDAY v » io | ™m -4 xz |» ;m m v m |Z io m VOLUME CI. PUBLISH & YD OCTOBER 17, *

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroper 17, CONDY’ s FLUID. TRY IT IN YouR BATH. ~ NEW YORE Se aT bas SCRUBB'S (x55) AMMONIA. THE BUCKINGHAM HOTE . vs REMET IA PLUID counrTre A Household Word. MARVELLOUS PREPARATION. COND Y’S.—In Sore Throats ; Refreshing as a Turkish Bath NEW YORK. ever Pails. ‘ Invaluable for Toilet burps ses, COND Y’'S.—The Sover = Cu . Splendid Cleansing Preparati for the Hair. THE BUCKINGHAM HOTE for Relaxed Th roat * Removes Stains and Grease Spo ts from ¢ lothing, &c. ROPEAS Piay y end « ae Restores the Colour to Car rpets. me . AVENUE y quate Seing cured f Cleans Plate and Jewellery. The mont rary iberts . hh ae ) 1s. bottle for six to ten baths. healthy ue, eat eery as 6 ting gargie —Dr Wann, : ‘ locality, wi mag Of all Grocers, Chemists, &c. Rooma, superb. 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\_— Octoser 17, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181 — THE AUTOMATIC PHYSIOGNOMIST. “veve—The German Exhibition, near an ingenious machine con- structed to reveal the character and future of a person according to the colour of his or her hair, for the small consideration of ne penny. A party of Pleasure-seekers are examining it. First Pleasure-seeker (a sprightly young lady of the name of rire). ‘“‘ Put in a penny and get a summary of your character I wonder what they ’ll ’ave next! T A from the colour of your air.” Second PL-s. (her admirer, a porridge-faced young man with pink eyelids and flaming hair, addressed as ’Ector by his intimates). Ah, ato 0 it’s surprising how far they’ve got, it reel] y is. And beginning with butter-scotch, too! Aunt Maria. Come on, do—you don’t want to waste no more time over that rubbidge! Fourth Pl.-s. (a lanky youth, with pale hair and a receding chin, to his fiancée). Hadn’t we better be making a move if we ’re going to ear the band, Canrre? Carrie. move on when I /ike, with- out your leave, Freppy; so make no mistake. } Freddy. Oh, I’m in no ’urry. I only iQ thought your Aunt was getting—but don't mind me. CARRIE does not mind him. : . (the funny man of the party). ‘Old on a bit! I’ve got some coppers. I’m going to sample this concern. I’ll put in for all of you—it’s my treat, thisis. We'll begin with Aunt Marra. What colour do you call your air now ? I don’t see any slot marked ‘‘ cawfy-colour,” Aunt Maria. Never you mind what colour my ’air is—it’s a pity you can’t find a better use for your pennies. Dolph. (Sontag @ penny m a slot marked “ Light Brown’). 'Ere goes, the or *sworking. (The machine emits a coloured card.) Listen to what itsays about Aunt Marta. She is —“‘ tender-’arted.”’ Jest what I’ve always said of her! “A little ’asty in her temper” —'ullo, must be a ’itch in the machinery, there /—" neither obstinate nor ‘aughty ’’—(A snort from Aunt Marta at this)—“‘ her inclination to love never unreasonable.” ’Ow like her! “‘ Frolicsome, inclined to flirt and sometimes mischievous.”” You giddy little thing! Up to all your little tricks, this machine is! ‘‘ Fertile in imagination, domesticated, thoughtful and persevering’’—There’s Aunt Mania ior yer. ag ae Good old Aunt ~— ! Jolph. There’s a prophecy on blue paper from Napoleon’s Book of Fate, gratis. (Reads.) ** Thy ’oroscope forewarns thee of a loss | if thou lendest thy money.” Just when I was going to borrow arf- | a-crown off of her too! Aunt Maria. Ah, I didn’t want no machine for that. ’Ow you | can patronise such rubbidge, J don’t know! Tellin’ characters by the colour of your ’air, indeed—it’s told mine all wrong, anyhow ! | Dolph. Well, you see, your ’air’s so natural it would deceive any machine ! ; [Movement on part of Aunt Marta. Lottie. Put in for ’Ecror next, Dotpn, do. I want to hear what it says about him. Dolph. They don’t keep his colour in stock—afraid o’ losing their insurance policy. ‘* Red or orbun’s” the nearest they can get to it. He puts in a penny in the ‘“‘ Red” slot.) Here's old ’Ecror. | Reads.) ‘*The Gentleman with long red hair is of a restless dis- position, constantly reving.”” Keep your eye on him, Lorrie! “ Im- patient and fiery in temper ”’—’ Old ’im, two of yer ?—‘* but for all that, is kind and loving.” You needn't ’old him—it’s all right. “ He is passionately fond of the fair sex.”” What ail of ’em, ’Ecror? I’m ashamed of yer! ‘‘ He is inclined to timidity ””—Oo’d ha’ thought it’—** but by reflection may correct it and pass for a man of courage.” You start reflecting at once, old chap! Ector (ominously, to Lorrie). If Dotrm don’t mind what he’s about, he’ll go too far some day ! (He breathes hard, then thinks better of it. Dolph. Now it’s Cannte’s turn. “Leave you out?” Couldn't think of it. Brown ’air, Carrre’s is. (He puts in a penny.) “* Lady with ’air of a medium brown colour, long and smooth ”’—Js your ‘air long though, Carrre ? Carrie (with pride). I should hope so—I can set on it. Dolph, That ’s nothing! So can Aunt Manta set on hers! (With 4 glance at that Lady's very candid ** front.” Can’t you, Auntie, eh? If you make a effort ? Aunt Maria (with dignity). I'll thank you to ’ave the goodness to op your sauce, Mr. Apotpnuvs Gaces; it’s out of place and not appreciated, I can assure you! [She walks away. _ Dolph. (surprised). Why, there’s Aunt Marta got the ’ump—for a little thing like that! Let me finish with Cannre. (Reads.) ‘She is of an intellectual turn of mind.” (‘'’ Ear, ’ear!” from Freppy.) ., Very fond of reading.” Takes in Sloper’s’ Alf’ Oliday regular ! Steadfast in her engagements.” ’Ullo, Carrre! VOL. Cc’. A|go home! Carrie ( firing up). Well, have you anything to say against that ? You'd better take care, Mr. Gaces! Dolph. 1 was only thinking. Sure you haven’t been squaring this machine? Ah, it tells you some ‘ome truths here—* Although inquisitive and fond of prying into the secrets of others——"’ Now however did it know that ? Carrie. It isn’t there—you ’re making it up! [She snatches the card, reads it, and tears it up. Dolph. Temper—temper! Never mind. Now we'll try Fxeppr. What's his shade of ‘air? I should say about the colour of spoilt *ay, if I was asked. Carrie (with temper). You're not asked, so you needn't give your opinion ! Dolph. Well, keep your ‘air on, my dear girl, and we'll call Freppy’s “Fair.” (Reading card.) ‘‘ A gentleman with this colour of hair will be assiduous in his occupation —" Carrie (warmly). What ashame! I’m sure he isn’t. Are you, FRreppy ? [Freppy smiles vaguely. Dolph. ** Not given to rambling,”’—Except in his 'ed,—*‘ very moderate in his amorous wishes, his mind much given to reflection, inclined to be ’asty-tempered, and, when aroused,’’—’Ere, somebody, rouse Freppy, quick!—‘‘to use adjectives.” Mustn’t use ‘em ‘ere, Freppy! “ But if reasonably dealt with, is soon appeased.” Pat his ’ed, Carnrre, will yer? ‘* Has plenty of bantering coon,” Here Freppy grins feebly.) Don’t he look it too! ‘* Should study his diet.’ That means his grub, and he works ’ard enough at that! ‘* He has a combination of good commercial talents, which, if directed according to the reflection of the sentiments, will make him tolerably well off in this world’s goods.” Carrie ( led). What’s it torking about now f Dolph. Oh, it on’y means he’s likely to do well in the cat’s-meat line. Now for your fortune, Freppy. ‘‘It will be through mar- riage that your future will be brightened.”’ Carrie (pleased). Lor, Freppy, think o’ that! Dolph. Think twice of it, Freppy, my boy. Now we'll be off and get a drink. Carrie. Wait. We haven't got your character yet, Mr. Gacos! Dolph. Oh, mine—they couldn’t give that for a penny. Too good, yer know! Carrie. If they haven't got it, it’s more likely they 're afraid it would break the machine. I’m going to put in for you under ** Black.”” (She does.) Here we are. (Reads.) ‘The gentleman will be much given to liquor.” Found out first time, you see, Mr. Gacas! Dolph. Gaeeved. Come, no personalities now. Drop all that ! Carrie. ‘‘ Somewhat quarrelsome and of an unsettled temper ; more decorous and less attentive in his undertakings, and consequently meets with many disappointments. Such gentlemen”—now you listen to this, Mr. Gaces !—“* will now know their weaknesses, which should induce them to take steps to improve themselves.” (°‘’ Zar ear!” from the rest of the party.) ‘*‘ Knowledge is power, an enables us to overcome many obstacles we otherwise should have fallen prey to.” This is your fortune. ‘‘ Thou art warned to be careful what,thou drinkest!’’ Well, they do seem to know you, I must say ! Dolph. (in a white rage). I tell you what it is, Miss Canrte Bicx- ERTON, you appear to me to be turning a ‘armless joke into a mejium for making nasty spiteful insinuations, and I, for one, am not going to put up with it, whatever others may! So, not being partial to being turned into redicule and made to look a fool in company, I'll leave you to spend the rest of the evening by yourselves, and wish you a very good-night ! (He turns majestically upon his heel and leaves the party stupefied. ’ Ector. (with mild regret). It do seem a pity though, so pleasant as we were together, till this come up! Freddy. And Carrte’s Aunt Maria gone off in a tantrum, too. We shall have a job to find ’er now! Lottie and Carrie. Oh, do hold your tongues, both of you. and your automatic machines ! ’ Ector and Freddy. Our automatic machines! Why, we never-—— Lottie and Carrie. If you say one word more, either of you, we'll (Freppy and ’Ector follow them meekly in search of Aunt Marta as the Scene closes in. You VOICES OF THE NIGHT. (In Fleet Street.) Ou raucous street-"‘ Echo,” whose vile ror clamantu Is, like the Salvationist’s shout, heard a mile hence, I wish, how I wish,—ah! yes, that what we want is!— Some Cockney Narcissus could charm you to silence. Ah, me! no such luck ; in the clear autumn twilight Your shriek on my tympanum stridently jars. ‘* Echo” nturders repose, mars the daffodil sky t; And if one thing sounds worse ’tis ‘ the Voice of the Stars wane

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 17, 189]. JUST ; NN r\ YY \) S) \ \\ es ‘ ‘ ~~) Sir J-m-s F-rg-ss-n loquitur Just in time to catch the Post! Pheugh ! But the Pats would have ** had me on toast” As ’Arry would say in his odious slang If I had been but a little bit later. Out o’ breath as itis. Ah, hang This hurrying business! My mouth’s like a crater, Dreadfully dry, and doosedly hot. Rather a downer, this is, for Scorr’s lot! NY We Ni N CAUGHT THE POST! WASTEAN ANN NINN \) . ANY) ARAN A AY \ \ ANY AAA yee ALARA AAS NA ASAASAASAAS ‘Sata’ \\ Feared Mrs. Manchester might just say (In the popular patter of my young day) ** Tt is all very well (with a wink and a jeer), But tte Master Feneusson, don’t lodge here!” right now, though! Saved my bacon My defeat might the Cause have shaken. : Just in time. There! Rouges it in! Awfully glad it conveys a Win; Although One Fifty ain’t much to boast,— ’Twixt you and me and the (General) Post!

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—_—_—__— Ocroser 17, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | —-— William Henry Smith. BORN, JUNE 24, 1825. DIED, OCTOBER 6, 1891. O’er-Busy Death, your scythe of late seems reaping Swiftly our heads of State ; The wise who hold our England’s weal in keeping, The gentle and the great. GRANVILLE is gone ; and now another Warden Falls with the fading leaf, Leaving at Hatfield sorrow, and at Hawarden Searcely less earnest grief. All mourn the Man whose simple steadfast spirit Made hearty friends of all. Whilst manhood like to his her sons inherit England need fear no fall. No high-perched, pariaged and proud possessor Of lineal vantage he; Of perorating witchery no professor, Or casuist subtlety. \ capable, clear-headed, modest toiler, Touched with no egoist taint, Duty sworn, the face of the Despoiler Made him not fear or faint. (’erworn, o’erworked, with smiling face, though weary, The tedious task he plied. Sagacious, courteous, ever calm and cheery Unsoured by spleen or pride. As unprovocative as unpretentious, Skilful though seeming-slow ; Unmoved by impulse of conceit contentious To risk success for show. 0 rare command of gifts, which, common-branded, Are yet so strangely rare ! SclHessness patient, judgment even-handed And spirit calmly fair! Lost to his friends their worth may now be measured By the strong sense of loss. How ‘‘ OLp Morauity’s” memory will be treasured, Midst faction’s pitch-and-toss. But England which has instincts above Party Most mourns the Man, now gone, Who gave to Duty an allegiance hearty As that of WELLINGTON. Sure ‘‘ the gaunt figure of the old Field-Marshal ’’* Would,his successor praise ; As modest, as unselfish, as impartial, Though fallen on calmer days. i No glittering hero, but when England numbers Patriots of worth and pith His name shall sound, who alter suffering slumbers, Plain Writ1am Henry Samira ! * LonorEeLiow’s “ The Warden of the Cinque Ports.” A ROMANCE IN NUMBERS. _ As we announced last week, the Gentlewoman proposes tor publication ‘* the most extraordinary novel of modern times ’’—a tale which is to be written chapter by chapter, week after week, by well-known writers of fiction, with- out consultation with their collaboratears. We did the same thing years ago. However, as the notion is still calculated to amuse and instruct our readers, we subjoin : me story, which a been — on a same terms y the entire strength of a paper—political, sporting, and social. It will be found below. WHAT? WHO? AND WHICH ? (A Joint Stock Mystery.) Political Writer commences. —- Yes, Eustace entered the House prepared to vote for the Government. He knew that LadyF Lora had counted upon his vote in support of her father, the Duke, and the other Members of the Opposition. But when did love outweigh duty? Evstace knew that the rity of the entire country depended upon his views. With the price of corn falling, with the Russian Bear on the hee’ growing nearer and nearer | ‘to our Afghan frontier, with the unsettled state of the | South American Republics, he knew that only one course Was open to him. THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS. ‘*] WANT A Nice Tig, FoR A Weppinc. CAN YOU RECOMMEND ME ONE?” **CERTAINLY, SiR. A—ER—PRINCIPAL GUEST, Sint” ‘*Frora, darling,” he said to the fair girl, as he yoeee by her side in the Lobby, ‘believe me, I will do anything to help you; but what can I do?” Sporting Writer continues.—‘* What can you do?” she echoed, with a hearty leash; as she struck her riding-habit smartly with her whip; ‘* why, tell me the horse you fancy for the Cambridgeshire ‘ | He thought for a moment. He knew the good points of Bobby, and was rather partial to Rosina ; but nothing wrong with Snuffboz, the stable reports were favour- able. Still, you can’t always rely upon what you see, much less what you hear. ** Lady,” said he, at length, ‘if you take my advice, you will back nothing until they go to the hag Continuation by French Correspondent.—They had no further time for parley, because the mail train left for Dover within the hour. So they hurried to Victoria, and in less than eight hours were in the Capital of the World. Ah, Paris, beautiful Paris! They enjoyed the balmy air as they drove through the awaking streets to the Grand Hotel. As they entered the courtyard they met the President. ** Is it really true that the Germans refuse to take up the Russian Loan’ | asked Evstace of the First Frenchman in France. | *T would not say thisto anyone but yourself,” replied M. Cannot, looking round | to see that no one was listening ; ‘‘ but those who wait longest will see best!” | And with his finger to his mouth in token of discretion and silence, he disap- peared. Eustace and his fair companion hastened to the telegraph oftice. Scientific Writer takes it up.—They were, of course, desirous of transmit- ting their important despatch to head-quarters. ‘“* You want to know upon what system the telephone is worked queried the operator, as he prepared a black-board, and took up a piece of chalk. They bowed acquiescence. ‘ You must know,” said he, ‘that if we represent the | motive-power by z, we shall Pe Lady Correspondent turnec Fora uttered a cry. ‘*What a charming gown! Why, it is the prettiest I have seen in my life!” and she gazed with increasing delight at the lady beneath on the boulevard. Then she began to explain the costume to her two male com- sanions. She showed them that an under-skirt of snuff, with a waist of orange- lue, both made of some soft fluffy material (which can be obtained, by the way, at Messrs. Sowe ap Sows), made an admirable contrast. Naval Correspondent puts finishing touch.- ~ ema end up briekly.— Ev.).— And they left Paris, and embarking on H.M.S. Ramrod, met a gale, and foundered. When they were picked up they were both dead.—[Tue Ewp.} ” 9 den. — Before he could comple te his sentence, Lady

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| toes. Little Bew was not made | he could always pose before a select and, it must | adoption of a tone of easy familiarity. Surely, I thought to myself, of the treat that was to follow, it was discovered by little Buzzy | 184 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Octower 17, 189], other well-known examples. Something I knew must happen to LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. disturb this edifice of pom ndeur. The something No. IV.—TO POMPOSITY. long in coming, for just aber CHUMP had expatiated at ieee Your Exceriercr, length upon the vint of France, after he had offered to stock the How difficult it is to succeed in giving pleasure. When I failing cellars of Lord Aciycovrt from his own, after the butler addressed ntl recently, | honestly intended to gratify you by the had, with due parade, placed two corks at his master’s side in token I cannot be wrong if I address my friend Pomposrry by his name, | StL1zER, an impudent dog without veneration or reticence, that both and speak to him ima chatty rather than in an inflated style. If the bottles of Pontet Canet were disgustingly corked. To my I chose the latter, might he not think that I was poking fun at him relief, but to CuumP’s discomfiture, BILLY announced his discovery, by cheap parody, and manifest his displeasure by bri a host of | ‘‘ Bex, my boy,” he shouted across the table, ** the moths have been Buiwers about my ears? These considerations preva with me, | at this tap of wine. I’m afraid his Lordship won't care to take it off and the result was the letter you received. But, O pectora ceca! i your hands.” Ben became blue with suppressed fury. The have learnt from an authoritative source that you are displeased.| trembling butler obeyed his angry summons. ‘Take that stuff You resent, it seems, what you are pleased to term my affectation of | away,” said Bey, ‘and drink it yourself. Bring fresh wine at intimacy, and you beg for a style of greater respect in any future lonce.” But, alas, for wasted indignation, no more Pontet Canet communications. So be it. I have pondered for hours, and have | was forthcoming, and we had to pee ourselves on a wine whose eventually come to the conclusion that I shall best consult your | inferiority no flourish of trumpets could disguise. — wishes by addressing you in a manner suited to diplomatic personages| Now there is nothing in the accident of a corked bottle that ought | of importance. I have noticed that in their official intercourse|to crush a man. I have seen a host rise serenely after such an these getitlemen move on stilts of the most rigid punctilio, and I have | occurrence, and nobody dreamt of imputing it to him for wicked- often pletured to myself the glow of genuine pride which must) ness. But the contrast between the magniloquence of poor Brn and suffuse the seul of an ambassador or a foreign Minister when, for the | the deadly failure of his wine, was too great. Even Lady Manet, a first time, he finds himself styled an Excellency. It kind girl without affectations, could not may be of course that he knows himself to be any- forbear a smile when the incident was thing rather than excellent, but he will keep that narrated to her in the drawing-room, and knowledge to himself, stowed away in some remote some of the other guests, whose names | corner his mind, and never on any account charitably refrain from mentioning, allowed to interfere with his enjoyment of the seemed quite radiant with pleasure at the ignorant and empty compliments that others pay misfortune of their host. Cuvump, how- | him. ever, was not long in recovering, and I wish to ask you a simple question. Why do before many hours had passed, he was you render those who spend their lives in your assuring us in the smoking-room, that he | service so extremely ridiculous? That may be just supened to establish sport in his particular | the fashion of your humour; but is it fair to persist district on a broad and enduring basis. On the | as you do? ere is, for instance, my old friend following morning there was a lawn-meet at the | Bexsauew Cuvwp, little Bew Cuvwr as we used to Manor, and, as I’m a living sinner, our wretched call him in the irreverent days, before his face had host was flung flat or. his back before the eyes of | turned purple or his waisteoat had prevented him all the neighbouring sportsmen and sportswomen | from catching stray glimpses of his patent-leathered by a fiery chestnut which he bought for £400 from > the country, a well-known dealer. What became of him during | that wascertain. A life of Clubs and dinner-parties the rest of the day I know not. Indeed I shrin would have suited him to perfection. In his Club from continuing the story of his ridiculous humi- liations, and I merely desire to remark that if this | be your Excellency’s manner of rewarding those who serve you, I pray that I may be for ever pre- served from your poterenee. : So much, then, for Bensamry. In spite of everything i have a sort of sneaking regard for the poor man, especially since I discovered that he SSS was not a free agent, but was inspired in word and action by your blatant influence. Were it not that I feared to weary you, I might proceed at much be added, a dwindling circle as a man of influence. ‘There is no Club, however watched and tended, but one dread bore is there.” Buen might have developed into a prime bore, but as he was plenti- fully supplied with money and had a good cook and a pleasant wife, he would always have managed to gather round him plenty of guests who woul bhes forgiven him his elaborate platitudes, for the sake of his admirable made-dishes. Suddenly, however, he resolved to become a country gentleman. As : l there is no law to prevent a Cuump from turning upon regiment of pompous local nates and poli- | into a squire, Bew had not to wait very long before he was able to} tical nobodies all drilled and disciplined by your offensive methods, put his fatal resolve into execution. He purchased an Elizabethan | and all of them as absurd and preposterous as they can be made. mansion, and descended with all his airs and belongings upon the | But the spectacle would only move you to derision. One point, greater length. | might parade before you regiment | —_—7 country-side which he had decided to make the scene of his | however, I must insist on. atever P sn do, don’t throw Josuva | 0 rural education. Before that I used to see him constantly. After that | Poser across my path again. I might do him an injury. We were I quite lost sight of him. Occasionally I read paragraphs in weekly | at College together, he being my senior by a year. Even then he papers about immense festivities due to the enterprise of the Cuumps, | always assumed a condescension towards me, an air as of one who | and from time to time I received local papers containing long | temporarily stepped down from a pedestal to mingle with common accounts of hunt breakfasts, athletic sports, the roasting of whole | grovellers. He became a personage in the City, a Chairman and | oxen, and other such stirring country incidents in which it appeared | a Director of Companies, and I lost sight of him. Yesterday I met that the Cuumps took a prominent part. I will do Ben the credit to| him, and he was good enough to address me. ‘Yes, yes,” he say that he never omitted to mark with broad red pencil those parts | observed, ‘‘ I remember you well. I have read some of your con- which referred specially to himself, or reported any speech he may | tributions to periodical literature, and I can honestly say I was have happened to make. | | | pleased ; yes, | was pleased. Of course the work is unequal, and | Eventually that which I dreaded came about. Circumstances| marked one or two passages that might have been omitted with | made it impossible for me to refuse an invitation to Carchester| advantage. For instance, the discussion between the vicar and the Manor, and on a certain evening in the first week of December I | family doctor is not quite in the most refined taste, but there 1s found myself a guest under the roof of the Cuvurs. The entertain- | distinct promise even in that. By the way, why don’t you write in ment provided was, | am bound to say, magnificent. Every want The New Congeries? Your style would suit it. I always take that that the most exacting guest could feel was supplied almost before paper in, and I find it very much appreciated in the pantry. The he had expressed it, and all that gorgeous rooms, stately retainers butler reads it, when we have done with it, and passes it on to the and irreproachable cooking could do to secure our comfort was done footman. It keeps them out of mischief. Now take my advice, @ at Carchester Manor. But Cuump himself was on that first evening contribute to that.” I humbly murmured my thanks to this in- the grandest spectacle of all. He overpowered me. Like some huge tolerable person, and left him. As I turned away I half thought | Spanish galleon making her way wit beliving sails and majestic heard the sound of your Excellency’s bellows in the neighbourhood : , progress amidst a fleet of cockle-shells, so uumP bear himself of Poser. Was I wrong? amidst his y. The neighbouring | tes came to meet us. I remain (merely in an epistolary sense), Lord and y Aorncovet with their charming daughter Lady Your Excellency’s humble servant, Diocayes Rosrxs0y. Manet Porcrizrs, Sir Georez Buckwueat and his wife, the Reverend Canon and Mrs. Carspaw, and a host of others were there | todo Cuvmr honour. I thought of Potrcrares and his ring and of Appropriate TrTLe FoR Mr. ANDREW Lane.—The Folk-Loreste. nai

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Ocroser 17, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 185 “AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM!” A Pendant to Mr. William Watson's ‘“‘ The Key-Board.") Frve-and thirty black slaves, Dusky slaves and pallid, Half-a-hun white, slaves and white, [stool All their daty but to make When Minx mounts her music- Shindy day and night, Neighbours fly with fright. Now with throats of thunder, Ah, the bass’s thunder! Now with clattering lips, Oh, the treble’s trips! While she thumps them cruelly | Eugh, the horrid tyrannies With stretched finger-tips. Of corned finger-tips ! When she quits the chamber Silent, silent, silent, All the slaves are dumb, All your janglings now; Dumb with rapture, tillthe Minx Notes false-chorded, slithering Back shall come to strum, Pedal-aided row ! Dumb the throats of thunder, Where is Minx, we wonder Hushed chromatic skips, Ah! those scrambling skips! Lacking all the torturing Back she ’s come to torture us Of strained finger-tips. | With her finger-tips! CHARLEMAGNE AND I. Aiz-la- Chapelle, Monday. — CuaRLEMAGNE was doubtless well idvised in selecting this town for his residence. However that be it is not a matter for us to dogmatise about. I have heard a lamented friend, s and all too soon lost, say there are few things more regrettable the tendency of the present age to review the ctions of great men, not lost but gone before, and to pass judg- ment upon them without having enjoyed the opportunity of heamme what they might haye to say in justification or palliation of proceedings ¢halle: That is true at this period and had his choice, say between Aix-la-Chaj and Homburg or Aix-les-Bains, it is doubtful whether ; have built his eathedral here. Unlike the two latter watering- places, Aix-la- lle has other fish to boil besides the invalids who ome hither attraeted by the fame of its hot springs. It is a manufacturing town, and has all the characteristics of one. At Homburg or Aix-les-Bains you walk up a street, turn a corner find yourself aniong pine-trees, or in a smiling valley with a blue lake blinking at the sun. Here the baths are in the centre of the town, and, like a certain starling, you feel you ‘* can’t get out.” But invalids musn’t be choosers, and if Rusrem Roose sends you to Aix-la-Chapelle—he’s always sending somebody somewhere—to la-( —_ you must carry your Aix, in the hope that you may leave them there. ‘| wonder,” said the Member for Sank, who as usual is grumbling round, ‘‘if the local female population was less rey 3 in CHARLE- uacne’s time? Probably, since he married with a frequency not excelled by our Henry VIL But what was Hitprcarps like— HiLpEGARDE, his favourite spouse? If she in any way resembled the women who throng the streets of Aix-la-~Chapelle to-day, C.’s lot was not a happy one. Never in any city, in either a have I suffered sae nightmare of ugly ill- women as is here found.” That is a most unfair and unjustifiable remark to make. Brim- stone evidently does not agree with Sark who is more disagreeable than ever. The only thing that has touched his stony nature since he came to Aix is the unselfish devotion of the local aristocracy to the interests of the town. Visitors mustering in the Elisengarten for their morning eups, notice the group of musicians in the orchestra by the entrance-gate. Every man wears a top-hat, the only head- gear of the kind seen in Aix. Sark, attracted by this peculiarity, made inquiries, and learned from an intelligent native that these are nobles in disguise, who, desirous of contributing to the common weal, turn out at seven every morning to play the band. They are will: to sink all social distinctions, save that they will wear the cylindri hat of civilisation. Not comfortable, especially in wet weather ; but it adds an air of distinetion to the group. Very nice of them,” Sark grudgingly admits; ‘* but” —he must have the compensation of a sneer—‘* 1 ine our House of Lords forming themselves into groups to play the band in Palace Yard, with Hatspury wielding the mace by way of baton! They ’d never do it, Topy, even in top-hats, Germany ’s miles ahead of us in this matter,.”’ Sorry to find Squire of Matwoop, who spent a morning here on his and tersely put. Still I may observe thatif C. lived I he wall G way to Wiesbaden, agreeing in Sarx’s view of the standard of female Deauty at Aix. “Strange,” he mused, “ that Nature never makes an ugly flower or tree or blade of grass; and yet, when it comes to men and women, | behold!” and he swept a massive arm round the blighted scene in the crowded Kaiserplatz. 'frame pass underneath a doorway without my heart leapi serp . A small boy who thought the beneficent stranger in blue serge was chucking pfennings about the Square, careered wildly round in search of the treasure. We walked on without undeceiving him. To quote again from an old friend: ‘* There is nothing more conducive | es the production ot feaiptenanes of L healthy mind fn a - y than en industry, even when, owing to misapprehen- ~ ye — tion, their exercise leads to no rey ay be ~ t m quite a surprise one morning to UTRE striding into the coffee-room at ‘ Nuellens.”’ “Thought you were down at Malwood,”’ I said, ‘‘looking after your flocks and herds, your brocoli and your spring onions.” “So I had h ee oe and down under the trees in the Elisengarten. ‘But the fact is, Tomy, dear boy, | could not stand the weather. Tam of a sensitive nature, and it cut me tothe heart to ace, cold winds nippi the fruit vm the flood of rain beating down the corn the oats, and the mangel- wurzel. People make a mistake about me. They re- gard me as an ambitious pol me ian, caring for no- thing but the HouseofCom- | mons world of ties. At am an agri- culturist. ive me acres and a conn y- body’s, n't care and | will settle down in peace and quietness, remote from political strife, never turning an ear to listen to the roll of battle at Westmins- ter. I am often dis- traught be- tween the attractions of interludes in the lives of Croxcuyyatvs and of WriLLiaM or Oranor’s great Minister. Of the two I think Iam more drawn towards the rose-garden at Sheen than by Crxcrywatvs’s unploughed land. Before I die 1 should like to create a new rose and call it ‘The Grand Old Man.’” Quite a revelation this of the true inwardness of the Squire. Would astonish some le in London, I fancy, if ever I were to mention this conversation. But, to quote once more from a revered authority : ‘‘ We all live a dual life, and are not actually that which, upon cursory regard, the passer-by believes us to be. Every gentle- man, in whatever of the House he may sit, has a skeleton in the cupboard of his valet.”’ e Squrne stayed here only a morning, passing on to other scenes. I watched his departure with mingled feelings; sorrow at losing a delightful companion, and apprehension of what might happen if he were to remain here to go through the full cure. ace is, as Sark says, the most brimstony on the same level. You brea brimstone, drink it, bathe in it, and take it in at the pores. At the end of three weeks or a month you are dangerously saturated with the chemical. An ordinary lucifer match is nothing to a full-bodied patient at the end of three weeks treatment at Aix-la-Chapelle. If the Seurre had stayed on, I should never have seen his towering to my against Ask why was made the gem so small And why so huge the granite ? Because "twas meant that men should set The larger value on it. mouth. Someday he would have accidentally struck his the lintel and would have ignited as sure as a gun. If CHARLEMAGNE were now alive, I feel certain from what I know of him, he would have exhausted the resources of civilisation in search of a preventive of this ever- mt and dangerous risk. Under CaroLo Maeno the patient might have gone about the streets of Aix- la-Chapelle with sweet carelessness, knowing that, however much brimstone he carried, he would strike only on the box.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. ee [OcToBER 17, 189]. ry 4 j ’ t7i \ v “a Nea = 2 \ | WA Cy } AND tow pip you Like Switzeritaxnp?” ‘*AND DID You Go on InTo ITaLy!” * WELL, We rounp a Hors: OURS AT So WE SPENT NO Home AS THE WHOLF ‘On, IMMENSELY ! hh. -? } t's “45 43 OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD. It was ovr First Visit, you xxow!” at LAUSANNE WHERE THERE WAS A FIRST-RATE TeNNIS-LAWN, YOU KNOW—QUITE AS GOOD or our HOLIDAY THERE, AND PLAYED LAWN-TENNIS ALL DAY LONG! FAMILY TIES. “Th irnal (the Grashdanin) is of ! ypinion that in making common muse with the ther European Powers against China, Russia would but serve England to the prejudice of her own interests, which demand ld not jeopardise the security of her Asiati lete of Great Britain goniam « Times. | Muscorite loquitur : the ends of shores, or contribute nscendancy in the Pacitic Ocean, by arousing f China.” ‘Won't you help me bind the Dragon?” Oho! ingenuous Jounny! I'm opposed to needless fuss, And have other fish to fry—say near the Oxus! Nota hang Do | care for what may happen on the great Yang-tse-Kianz. says the Briton to the Russ. I approve Non-Intervention. *Tis your favourite doctrine, Jonx, And you stick to it so closely, and that’s just why you get on. | [f you think that Dragon’s dangerous—I hold ’tis but his play ! rhere’s but one thing you’ve got to do—clear out of the brute’s way. I am sure he doesn’t want you where you ’ve stayed a deal too long ; He wishes you would up and go to—well not to Hong-Kong, Sut the natural home of all such ** Foreign Devils,” in Ais view. Why, he’s none too sweet on Me, Joun; 1s it likely he'd like you ? Gratte: le Russe —et cetera. Of quoting that stale epigram. You fancy it riles me. Not a bit of it, my Briton; Tartars have a thickish skin, And your foe and I are neighbours, nay a distant sort of kin You are mighty fond, J. B., The Mantchus and the Romanoffs are not exactly chums, And a Tartar insurrection, when that little trouble comes, As it may do if you press too much at Pekin, well, who knows ” There is always something pleasing in the quarrels of one’s foes. The Mantchus miss a many of once subject Tartar tribes Who have—gravitated Russwards. Little call for blows or bribes To make blood-relations mingle. On the Mantchus this may jar, Sut we ‘ve not forgotten Kuldja, and we recollect Kashgar. Wheels within wheels, dear Jonnny! As to missionaries, well, They are troublesome—and useful; but to put things all pell-mell On account of priests and parsons, and of quite an olen creed, That’s scarce * diplomatic,” Jounyy ; it is not, dear boy, indeed. A new Tamerlane, my Jonny, who could stir the Tartar hordes lo—say “* Asiatic Concert,””—well, you know that thought affords lo your talky ‘‘ Only General ”’ a quite sensational theme. But prophecy ’s not “* business,” Jonny, and C#sar should not dream. Oh! the world is full of Bogies. J’m the biggest of them all In the minds of many croakers who ne'er saw the Chinese Wall, But are frightened at the spreading of my kindred—on the map; For I’m semi-Asiatic, and half Tartar, dear old chap. Now put this and that together, think of Pamir, Turkestan, Of Persia, of the Dardanelles !—I think you ’ll see, old man, That though this ramping Dragon you may wish to tie and tame, A Benevolent Neutrality is rather more my game. A PLAYGOER’S “ LAST WORD.” (An Echo trom the Pit.) Tue Season is—Aas been for some time—asilly, And lengthy correspondences are rife. We have, alas! to read them willy-nilly ; They take a deal of pleasure out of life. To flee such evils here ’s an easy way— Let morning dailies idly rant or vapour, At the Lyceum go and see the play, The programme there ’s the finest Daty paper. * A Correspondent, signing himself “A Knight of the Free Lists,” sug- gests that free admissions to the Lyceum should be known, during the American Company's season, as “The Best Daly ‘ Paper.’” Morro ror a Depressep TrEToraLier.—‘* Whine and Water.”

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1891. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Octoner 1 4 =“ a =< a “ = -- oO w 5 So ~ =) =_ ™ w% <4 Joun BUtt. ie) A = oa om © Z% © — e - = ta a fas ~ —s e fo =} ~ ~~ A =“ 2 53 1 — fa} i) L =) = ~ I DON’T KNOW ; “ WELL, Russia.

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—_—_—_ OcTOBER 17, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 189 TIPPLING SALLY. A Song of Sorrow on Zoo Sunday. Satty, the Chimpanzee (late of the Zoo), is dated to have “ drunk beer daily.’’) Op all the monkeys at the Zoo There ’s none like Tippling Satty. was the first who quenched her thirst Juite al-co-hol-i-cally. A draught of beer made her not queer, But seemed her strength to rally. Vortrwer GRANVILLE well might cheer Three cheers for Tippling Sauiy. Of all the days within the week | chiefly favoured one da That was the day when children seek [he rapture called ‘* Zoo Sunday.” For then full drest all in my best I'd go and visit Satyr, And see her soothe her hairy breast So al-co-hol-i-cally ! But now no more poor SaLy’s tricks With glee fill girl or boy full ; No mug of beer her soul can cheer, Nor glass of O-be-joyful ! We yet may see some Chimpanzee With Drink’s temptations dally, To WiLrRID’s woe; but no, ah! no! It won’t be Tippling Saxiy ! s} AN ESSAY IN REVIEWING. We are obli to ‘ Beginner” for the proffered contribution to our collection of jook Reviews. That is, however, a depart- ment of the paper our noble friend the Baron pe Boox-Worms reserves for his own pen. But as Mr. Punch has never been known to liscourage beginners, he finds room here for the interesting contribution, which perhaps should more appro- priately have — _ addressed to his con- -~ frére at the office of ay the Atheneum :— Don Quizote. By / Miovet Cervantes. | // We have conscien- *tiously plodded (i= through this volu- = minous work, which is certainly not en- , bee 4 without merit. It purports to recount the doings of a re- sident in a village of La Mancha (Spain) who, | accompanied by a clownish retainer, went forth in search of adventures. He was not very happy, hisday’s sport being invariably rounded off by a sound drubbi , received either by himself, his Squire, or both. We wish Lord Macactay had lived to see the publication f this work, and had with fuller leisure relieved us of the task of reviewing it. Remembering his method of procedure as illustrated in his article on Dr. Narr’s Memoirs of Lord Burleigh, he would doubt- less by careful enumeration have been able to show that from first to last Don Quizote had more ribs broken than any man actually possessed since ADAM was privy to ‘diminution of their original number. He “ems also to have had a perpetual renewal it teeth, keeping with their frequent removal by brate foree. As for the number of legs and arms he had fractured, Macav- Lay's (nae shrunk from the | ‘ask of compu’ aggregate. |, These are blemishes upon a work that is, at least, well intentioned, and which might have een more successful had our author been |imelined to give his hero it for more acumen. & running tilt at wi under the im- Pression that they are armed knights, and When he peaseeemte Don Quizote | when he sheep in the belief that it is an ordered we think he too rossly trifles assumed credulity of his readers. Exaggera- tion is, indeed, the bane of a work that, from first page to last, bears evidence of the drawback of extreme youth on the part of the author. We have leased to notice some indications of humour in the conversa- tion of Sancho Panza. But it is the penny- worth of sack to an intolerably large quantity of bread. What we have written has been without desire to discourage Mr. CERVANTES, whom we shall be glad to meet with again, bringing with him the fruits of unremitted practice and of maturer views of life. TO ARAMINTA. (After hearing Mr. Harrison's Lecture.) [‘‘ To keep the family true, refined, affectionate, faithful, is the woman's task—a task that needs the entire energies and life of woman; and to mix up this sacred duty with the grosser occupation of politics and trade, is to unfit her for it as much as if a priest were to embark in the business of money-lender.”—Freperic Harrison.) y 4 Ww ¥ “Man I prrrHee, ARAMINTA, hear What Freperic Harrison has said: Don’t read for College honours, dear, And put a towel round your head. Don’t sully what should surely be An unstained soul, with tricks of trade ; Leave stern official work to me, While you remain a simple maid. Don’t prate of woman’s function, sweet, Your only duty is to charm ; Leave platform spouting, as is meet, To men; it cannot do them harm. Your influence comes from gracious ways, Your glory in the home doth lie ; e guardian angel of our days, Until you bless us when we die. Don’t enter on ignoble strife With man, ’tis yours to soar above— To all the higher things of life, Divine compassion, and pure love. ’Tis yours to stimulate, refine, To win men by a kindly heart ; ictures him charging a flock of army, | with the | Not grovel with us where the sign Of Mammon hangs above the mart. Thine is the task to reign supreme Within the sacred sphere of home ; To make our life one happy dream, Thine own as spotless as the foam. To trade, to toil, to head the feast, To seek the politician's gain, Were hateful':—ay, as though the priest Took usury within the fane! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, Baron DE Book- Worms owns to being easily affected by a pathetic episode. He well re- | members how years ago in the course of a dis- cussion among literary men about books and their writers, the Baron acknowledged that in spite of his having been told how the pathos of DickENs was all a trick, and how the senti- ment of that great novelist was for the most rt false, he still felt a choking sensation in is throat and a natural inclination to blow his nose strenuously whenever he re-read the death of Little Paul, the death of Dora, and some passages about Ziny Zim. There was no dissentient voice as to the death of Colonel Newcome ; all admitted the recurrence of that peculiar choking sensation, read they their THackeray never so often. Now the Baron differs from Josh Sedley in, as he thinks, many respects, but he is almost as ‘easily moved to tears” as was that stout hero. Wherefore this preface? Well, ’tis because the Baron ownsto having ‘‘snivelled,” if tom will, when reading a delightful story, published by Macmintan in one volume (** bless all good stories in one vol., clearly printed!” says the Baron, parenthetically), entitled simply, Zim. No relation to Tin Tim already mentioned ; quite another child. | The Baron strongly recommends this story, and especially to Etonians past and present, as giving a life-like picture which the latter will re ise, of the career at that great public el of a fragile little chap entirely | unfitted by nature for the rough and tumble of such a life. The considerate tutor, too, is no effort of imagination; he exists; and perhaps, such an one may have always existed since the division between Collegers and Oppi- | dans first began. The Baron in his own time nigh forty years ago, knew an exceptional species of this rare genus ; but there are plenty duis to the truth of the Etonian portion \of Tim. ** Tolle, lege !” quoth the Baron, and | be not ashamed if in reading the latter por- | tion of the story you have to search for your | pocket-handkere ief, and, glancing 1 |around, murmur to yourself, “‘ But soft! lam observed!” en when unobserved, | ** wipe the other eye!” and thank the un- known author of Tim; at the same time not | forgetting your guide, philosopher, and friend, Tue Baroy ve Boox-Worms.

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— | 190 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocromen 17, 1801, |

Pa. ne ~~ 7 of io | civ oo AR% ~ J

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| DESIGN FOR THE POSTER FOR THE NEXT GERMAN EXHIBITION IN LONDON.

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Ocroser 17, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———— | A FALLEN LEADER. CHARLES STEWART PARNELL. Bory, Junge 27TH, 1846. Diep, Ocroszr 6ru, 1891. “ The falcon-crest and plumage gone, Can that be haughty Marmion ?” Sir Walter Scott. Farten! And not as leaders love to fall, In battle ’s forefront, loved and mourned by all ; But fiercely fighting, as for his own hand, With the secant remnant of a broken band ; His chieftainship, well-earned in many a fray, Rent from him—by himself! None did betray This sinister strong fighter to his foes ; He fell by his own action, as he rose. He had fought all—himself he could not fight, Nor rise to the clear air of patient right. Somewhere his strenous soul unsoundly rang, When closely tested. Let the laurels hang About his tomb, for, with whatever fault, He led with valour cool a fierce assault Upon a frowning fortress, densely manned With strong outnumbering enemies. He planned Far-seen campaigns apparently forlorn ; He fronted headlong hate and scourging scorn, Impassively persistent. But the task Of coldly keeping up the Stoic mask O’ertaxed him at the last ; it fell, and lo! Another face was bared to friend and foe. Scarce to his foes will generous judgment lean— Foes mean as merciless, and false as mean, Their poisoned pens, which even softening Death, Which hate should hush and stifle slander’s breath, May not deprive of venom, prodding still The unresponsive corse they helped te kill, Is an ignoble sight. Turn, turn away! Mean hates pursue the Marmion of our day, A nobler foe, like Doveras, well may rue His fall, and sigh, ‘‘ Tis pity of him, too! ”’ Motto for the Moment. (By a Militant Radical Candidate.) An! I must trounce the Tory foe, And love my Toiling neighbour. The ery with which to fight 1 go ee Is ‘** Labour and Belabour ! “WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.” WuHeEwn THE RoAp-CAR STOPS SUDDENLY JUST AS HE No. 2. IS CAUTIOUSLY DESCENDING THE STAIRCASE ! THE G. P. AND THE G. P. O. (A Dialogue strictly according to Precedent. ) General Public. 1 am sorry to say the condition of the Postal Ser- vice is really extremely defective. The delay in the delivery of letters is most annoying. Frequently a note which should be received a the evening is not obtained until the following morning—proof of this being given by the post-marks. General Post Office. Your com- plaint shall receive consideration. G. P. You are most kind. Next, a telegram despatched from one part of London to another part, sometimes takes eight hours, and the reason given is that the counter-clerk has a discretiona: wer to retain tele- grams until he has what he con- siders a sufficient supply for the messenger to take out for delivery. This naturally causes much delay and consequent inconvenience. G, P. O, Your complaint shall receive consideration. G. P. You are too good. Next, the carelessness at Branch Offices is ‘Ww extremely irritating. For instance, of it is often the case that the words telegrams have been altered and changed during transmission. tis unnecessary to point out that such mistakes are Tiable to create annoyance, not to say disaster. 4 P. O. Your complaint shall receive consideration. ’ P. Very many thanks. Then, at offices where females are engaged, rudeness is ag d common. Would-be purchasers of postage- “amps are frequently kept waiting while the clerks chatter to one another about matters entirely unconnected with the Department. And this habit is gaining ground in those offices in which male labour is only employed, especially in the immediate neighbourhood of St. Martin’s-le-Grand itself. tt is useless to call attention to this practice, as a simple denial from an official implicated is accepted by the authorities as proof (almost) positive of his or her innocence. G. P. O. Your complaint shall receive consideration. G. P. Again, thanks for your courtesy. But about these and many other grievances, the same stereotyped answer has invariably been received. G. P. O. Your complaint shall receive consideration. G. P. Exactly! That is the very answer. And it is felt that no other outcome will result from agitation. It seems utterly im ible to make the officials in charge realise their responsibility to the tax- yers. mo. P. O. Your complaint shall receive consideration. G. P. Of course; the same parrot-cry! And it may be for years, and it be for ever, before reform is introduced. The probability is, that the present unsatisfactory condition of affairs may exist at St. Martin’s-le-Grand until the hour of doom. G. P. O. Your complaint shall receive consideration. REFLECTION BY A” GENERAL READER. I nave been reading bookswherein J should have thought this would ’tis shown [civil), have given it pain, (In diction autocratic, sour, un- And moved it to both modesty That nothing can be absolutely and charity; [to mock sure, known, fevil! But what surprises me (—Zo1Lvs, Save that the Universeis wholly Will whip me with sham-epi- And even this poor result is only grams would-be ed i Is that Agnostics seem so awfully pure, plain To Genius—which, of course, is a _ (pity. And Pessimists so destitute of quite a rarity.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocroper 17, 189}, ANNALS OF A WATERING-PLACE HAS “SEEN ITS DAY.” Tne weather which, in Mr. Duwstante’s varied experience of five-and-twenty years, he assures me, has never been so bad, having at length afforded some indications of ‘‘ breaking,” I make the acquaintance, through Mrs. Cosptiev, of Mr. Wistkawaistie, th Proprietor of the one Bath-chair available for the invalid of Torsington-on-Sea, who, like myself, stands in need of the salubrious ving resort, but who is ordered by his medical air of that health-s adviser to secure it with the least possible expenditure of physical strength . : Both Mr. Wristerwnistie and his chair are peculiar in their respective ways, and each has a decided history. Mr. Wistenr- WHISTLE, crowing confidential over his antecedents, says, ‘* You see, Sir, I wasn’t brought up to the Bath-chair business, so to speak, for I began in the Royal Navy, under His Majesty King WILLIAM tue Fovrru. Then I took tothe Coast-Guard business, and having put by a matter of thirty pound odd, and hearing ‘ she’ was in the market,’’ — Mr. WIsTERWHISTL? always referred to his Bath-chair as “‘ she,” evidently regarding it from the nautical stand-point as of the feminine gender,—** and knowing, saving your presence, Sir, that old BLoxer, of whom I bought her, had such a good crop of cripples the last season or two, that , often touched two-and- forty shillings a-week with ’em, I dropped Her Majesty's Service, onl took to this ere. But, Lor, Sir, the business ain’t wot it wos. Things is changed woeful at Tor- sington since I took her up. Then from 9 o'clock, as you might say, to 6 P.m., every hour was took up; and, mind you, by real downright ‘ aristocracy,’ — real live noble- men, with gout on’em, as thought nothink of a two hours’ stretch, and didn’t ’aggle, savin’ your pre- senee, over a extra sixpence for the job either way. But, bless you, wot 's it come to now ? Why, she might as well lay up in a dry dock arf the week, for wot’s come of the downright genuine invalid, savin’ your presence, blow'd if | knows. One can see, of course, Sir, in arf a jiffy, as you is touched in the legs with the rheumatics, or summat like it: but besides you and a old gent on crutches from Portland Buildings, there ain't no real invalid public ’ere at all, and one can’t expect to make a livin’ out of you two; for if you mean to do the thing ever so ’ansome, it ain’t reasonable to expect you and the old gent I was a referring to, to stand seven hours a day goin’ up and down the Esplanade between you, and you see even that at a bob an hour ain't no great shakes when you come to pay for ‘ousing her and keepin’ her lookin’ spic and span, with all her brass knobs a shining and her leather apron fresh polished with patent carriage blackin’: and Lor, Sir, you’d not b’heve me if I was to tell you what a deal of show some parties expects for their one bob an hour. Why, it was only the other day that Lady Guirwprey (a old party with a front of black curls onl ler bows in her bonnet, as I dare say you ’ve noticed me a haulin’ up and down the Parade when the band’s a playin’), says to me, says she, ‘It ain’t so much the easy goin’ of your chair, Mr. WisTeERWHISTLE, asmakes m¢e patronise it, as its general genteel appearance. For there’s many a chair at Brighton that can’t hold a candle to it!’”’ But at this point he was interrupted by the appear- expectation opposite my front door. Dear me, I had quite forgotten I had sent for him. But the boy who cleans the boots and knives has returned, and brought with him the One Policeman! A Mess Dinner. yal-| ance of a dense crowd that half filled | the street, and drew up in silent | THE BOY THE FATHER OF THE MAN, (A Chapter from a Sea Story of the future.) ‘‘Tasn the lubber to the top-gallant pa and give him fir hundred with the cat o’ ninetails!” shouted the pirate Captain, bly with passion. 1 hove was a murmur amongst his erew. Because their messmat, had forgotten to touch his cap, it seemed hard to their poor up. tutored minds he should receive so heavy a punishment. ‘‘ What, mutiny!” eried the ruffian,skipper, ‘‘ here take this and this and this!” and he distributed the contents of his revolve amongst the sailors aft. - In the meanwhile, the poor wretch was hanging to the topgallant yard, expecting every moment to be his last. ** A sail, Sir,” said the boatswain, saluting, as he mounted to the quarter-deck. ‘*Get ready the torpedoes, and serve out bet man a hundred. | weight of smokeless powder cartridges. We shall have rough work.” | Then he added, ‘* By the way, what is the time?” ** About half-past two, Sir,”’ returned the other, and then, as his Captain made an unsuccessful grab, he muttered, ‘* No you don’t!” he ship in pursuit came on apace, and scon two vessels were yard-arm to yard-arm engaged in mortal combat. . For a while the confusion was so great that it was impossible to say what would he the upshot. But a fortunate torpedo sent the pirate craft to the bottom, and of all her crew, only the skipper survived. He was brought (loaded with chains) before his conqueror. ‘** Well, you scoundrel,” said the British Captain, ‘‘ have you any. thing to urge in your defence before we prepare you for your execution ?”’ ** What would be the good ?”’ was the sulky reply. fate.” “That voice, those husky tones,’ exclaimed the epaulette representative of the English Admiralty ; om I know them. They bring back painful recollections. Show your face, Sirrah!” ** Why should 1?” que- ahoanes ried the conquered Chief “1 know my “It won't do me any good! ” A SOLILOQUY. (At the close of the German Exhibition. But at a gesture of the British Captain, his prisoner was seized, and his face forcibly washed. ‘““What, Buty Tomp- krns!’’ murmured the Briton, ‘‘and we meet again like this!” ‘*Yes,” answered the other, ‘‘and it can’t be| helped. You have your) duty to perform, and so} have I. Do your worst!” ‘But, Bruty, you were not always like this!” **No, Jack, I was not. Once I used to prattle at my mother’s knee. I was beloved by my brothers and sisters, and | was the pride of the nursery!” And then the strong man broke down, and wept bitterly. ** But have you not fallen | very low?” asked the British Captain, gently. ** Indeed [ have! , ae a thief, a liar, a scoundrel —and, in fact, a black- guard!” ‘With such surround- ings,”’ returned the Officer K.N., pointing to the débris of the pirate craft, ‘it is difficult to =— your contention. you are a blackguard ! But to what cause do you owe your fall?” ‘* To my early training.” | | oes . not ee me ou. Your early training! Where were you trained ?”’ | “In the Britannia!” | And then the British | Captain completely under- stood the situation. West Kensington Cuirassier. ‘‘ Now 0 WONDER WHAT KOIND OF AN "Eno O01 "AVE TO BE NEXT YEAR?” ¢> NOTICE —Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. MS., Printed Matter, Dra or Pictures of description, wil wings, any oe chia vale

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroser 17, —7a5 REAL * ndings ie ‘st Cames of Fine 0! t A en" i W ‘CUP O KINDNESS.” ( the CHOICEST 4 of eb aim the very first place among high - class stimulants judges pronounce bes aad warivalled. through wih Groecer,or will See that dos. * Green 8.0.8. ts sold Clever “unique be ordered Ma Wine herchant or be forwarded direct. postiont (6 to the gallon labelled notified turned, and ls hg PEASE, SON & CO., LEITH, ik addresses, iosbow ana bed is. (Please mention Carriage paid on orders and up bys ama abe fea “tn ack doten, allowed _"s. Hn “sllowed 8 semen SCOTLAND. ARLINGTON ‘Panch” when of One Dozen Adngie bot tle, as a sample will be to any address on receipt of P.O. IC HD. MATHEWS YEARS OLD. This Grand Old Whiskey ” is a blend produce of the most “inna Small Stills 25s. the Gall., 60s.tho Dosen. Cash onty _ it free for ts i) & ‘00, “, HART 8T., BLOOMSRURY, Leapine | ieencuanvs throeghout ‘In 1 and the Covon THE G. B. a WHISKY cacsso Sagar. Is not stored in Sherry Casks 2 LABETES, OUT, & RIDWEY COMPLAINTS. rtainly seems to deserve its name.” 48s. per Doz. "—Lawerr. CARRIAGE PATD. GEO. BACK & CO., Devonshire Square, Lonton. COLDEN BRONZE 43 wish at ee Fe tint "Mair 2 Rhine io invala faded M. uths as any Word.” —T ists, Ahpollimaris “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS.” | Javoured ty." —WorRLD. * Much Maye “ Familiar fa Diillions of Ffouscehold by Her ‘\NEAVE’ Ss Dr. BARTLETT, Ph.D., roe _— UAM-VAR WHISKY. THE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. | TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. USED IN THE PALACE AND THE CHIELING. THE BEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH Highest Awards Recommended by the Medica! Faculty IMVES & GRIEVE, EDINBURGH and _LowDon. EERINGCS stcsa MEDAL CopENHAGEN (HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur. FINEST OLD BRANDY. 9s. per doz. in Cases as imported, o.. We Starcerox « Co., 23, Regent Street, W . 1 BOILING WATER OR MILK. REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND Black Handle, 56. Ivory Handle. 7.6. From all Dealers. Wholesale, Ossounr, Ganartr, & Co., Londes, W J. EXSHAW & G0. iy " Pek ly — otal and cs +e ether cal = Never Requires Grinding. 1891. Sir CHAS. CAMERON, MD. a os —An ee hy vem to the wants of infants ” } FOOD INVALIDS, ani THE AGED. muy a. and my x8 paer "constituents average of the dest Parinaceous Foods. * o> Raahove Me THE FINEST TONIC FER BRAYAIS Siamese FER BRAVAIS « FER BRAVAIS «: — to reset climatic influences, rekele | in all cases LANCET * preparation. * BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL. — ** it has all the good effects of iron without producing constipation or disturbing the digestion, and it does not blacken the teeth” SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS W/TH DROP MEASURE. ends ane debility. Highly recommended weak and debili- tated children. ‘A beautiful and interesting WEAR THE VENTILATED CELLULAR CLOTH AND CLOTHING. HEALTHY AND DURABLE. | UNDERWEAR, D RTS, | NIGHT | Tustrated | Agents, sent neseng LIVER ‘Baniacead & | Pianotorte Bikes ts a the Street, Lists Free ed over halfa¢entury HOR eae MALTED MILK, A PERFECT FOOD IN 90, SNOW HILL, LONDON, EC. DINNEFORD'S MACNEBIA. | For ACIDITY or rae STOMACH, 1 HEADACHE, GOUT, dad IND Sold throneheat the World “ ae SONS, ~~ | Always Refréditing, Sweet and Lasting. 4), 276, 8), & 40/6 per Bottle To be had of all Pevfutttiers, Chemists, WHOLESALE—R. HOVENDEN & SONS, Bexnexs Stxeer, W.. & Cry Roab, LONDON. Por INFANTS, of 360 Country . A complete noess of Wales, A BABY? ll SPECTALTTY FOR Fac-simile of Stamp on Back of Every TWO YARDS of all GENUING CHIPPING — Une HUNTING and RIDING BREPCHES, Tweed Buite, Boys’ Wear, and ot) RARDWEAR. Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH RED AND BROWN LABELS. acy, CAUTION. THE THREE CASTLES” In the TOBACCO. rt of duster eset on wks Aldershot, Bu iste, Mr. dastice North, on the ith aK. eranted « perpetae! injunction rew welnlag Une the Dedendants from offering for sale or « tobacco not of the manufacture or merchandise ot - 7 ds ‘i ©. Wits as and fo “The Three Castles” Tobacco. The Defendants were also ordered to pay the costs of the action In consequence of fr went imitations of Mesars w. bd & 0. WILI “THRER CASTLES TOBACCO, as firm ae & this Ji notice thet ny a i" THREE aw co t that mane factured by Messrs. Db. 4H. 0 ILLS, will be proceeded against. MCKENNA & ©O, & 18, Rasinghall Street, London, FC Solicitors for Mesers. Db. & HM. 0. WILLS 70 GAVE THE TEETH, UGE DAILY THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER Reautifies and Preserves the Terr» panerte a Sweet Fragrance to the linriars ovling and Refreshing to the Mourn And takes away smell of Tosacco NB iy success of this the Sy liquid Dentifriee ma has led ma made imitations. T. &C.'s signature band on tach Hottie Bottles, ls. 6d., t. 4d. ds. Gd, and Bs. 6d, of Chemists and Stores, or sent, ¢ free, from 6, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL the tithe o t is necessary tor purchasers to ser all Yor a most com lortable, remarkably easy, luxurious deli mera enna use SUREN! celebra 2 with rower ae ta si jit 5 Rote, t+. ; with 4b From ali Dealers, or the mak« Btreet, Hirmingham, inte Maly Oe Geauine Gem Air Guns COUPER NA PERFECTLY HARMLESS Bold by Terfumers and Chemists throughout the World Agents: KR. HOVENDEN & BONS, Low row FA Dr. Gordon's s Elegant Pills STOUTNESS rapid) ona certainiy it, weight, send ts 1 4s. d., oF Goapor, 0, wick hpaioa, London, W«

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroner 17, 1891 ie Widtnbondoamayy, MUL! ’ | i F Bh ii er 4 pe HTM ant pores m a fe : . tae o _ a NNT) al “DIVIDED DUTIES.”— From the Picture by Latiax Yous, in the possession of the Proprictors of Brooke's Soap. The World’s most Marvellous Cleanser and Polisher. Makes Tin like Silver, Copper like Gold, Paint like New, Windows like Crystal, Brass Ware like Mirrors, Spotless Earthenware, Crockery like Marble, Marble White. FOR A THOUSAND HOUSEHOLD USES. Printed by © Uem stuart Smith, of Ne @, Loraine Read, Holloway, im the Pafish of . in the County of Middlesex, at the P: Offices of Messrs. Bradbury Agnew, & Co, U ; Lombard Street, in the Precanct a Whitefiars, im the City of London, and Publickes by Wie at oo », Fleet Street, im the Parish of St brigs, dit of London. —Sarcapar, October 17, isvl. > . .) u z c “ c P) .